{"text": "Scene Description: At the bus stop.\nThe Boys: School days, school days, teacher's golden ru...\nKyle Broflovski: Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.\nIke Broflovski: Eat banana.\nKyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike Chortles.]\nEric Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!\nKyle: Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!\nStan Marsh: What's a dildo?\nKyle: Well, I don't know...[He faces Cartman and points at him.] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!\nCartman: I know what it means!\nKyle: Well, what?\nCartman: I'm not telling you.\nStan: What's a dildo, Kenny?\nKenny McCormick: (It's a plastic dick that goes in a vagina.) [The others laugh.]\nCartman: He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down.] Ow! [Ike Laughs.]\nStan: Dude, that kicks ass!\nKyle: Yeah, check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!\nIke: Don't kick the baby.\nKyle: Kick the baby.\nScene Description: He kicks Ike like a football, who lands, knocking down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns.\nStan: Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.\nCartman: That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.\nKyle: Really? What about?\nCartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...\nScene Description: The dream sequence begins.\nCartman: ...in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.\nScene Description: Through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in.\nCartman: Then slowly my bedroom door began to open... [A Visitor peeks inside.]\nCartman: ...and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.\nCartman: Weeaak!\nCartman: Then I was lying on a table...\nScene Description: Cartman is laying face down, Visitors lower his pajamas.\nCartman: ...and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes.\nStan: Dude! Visitors!\nKyle: Totally!\nCartman: What?\nStan: That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors!\nCartman: No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.\nStan: Visitors are real.\nKyle: Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.\nCartman: Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.\nJerome \"Chef\" McElroy: [Drives up and gets out of the car.] Hello there, children.\nBoys: [in unison] Hey, Chef.\nStan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?\nChef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.\nCartman: Kick ass.\nChef: Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?\nCartman: [Surprised.] Huh?\nKyle: Yeah, fat boy saw it!\nCartman: Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!\nChef: Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?\nCartman: Oh!\nStan: They took him on their ship.\nChef: Oh! [Quietly.] Did they give you an anal probe?\nCartman: Oh!\nKyle: What's an anal probe?\nChef: That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt.\nKyle: Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?\nCartman: No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?\nStan: Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!\nCartman: No!\nIke: Eneh probe.\nCartman: Shut up, dildo!\nChef: Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control.\nScene Description: Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of a Visitor on his shirt with the word \"Believe\" written under it. Cartman goes catatonic as Chef drives off.\nCartman: Oh!\nKyle: We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.\nCartman: God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!\nScene Description: They start to file onto the bus.\nKyle: Why you walkin' so funny Cartman?\nCartman: Shut up!\nIke: [Waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe.\nKyle: No, Ike, go home.\nIke: Eeeeee!\nKyle: This is it. This one's for the game.\nIke: Purplor.\nKyle: Kick the baby!\nScene Description: He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out the window on the other side.\nScene Description: On the bus.\nStan: Good morning, Miss Crabtree.\nMs. Veronica Crabtree: SIT DOWN! WE\"RE RUNNING LATE!\nScene Description: The bus pulls away, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking out the back window at him.\nKyle: Damn it, he's still there.\nStan: Oh, don't worry about him.\nKyle: No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.\nMs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN BACK THERE! AAAAAAH!!\nStan: Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.\nMs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?\nStan: I said I have a bad itch.\nMs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh.\nKyle: [Gasps.] Oh, my God!\nScene Description: Two Visitors are holding Ike between them\nStan: [Turning to see.] Visitors!\nKenny: (Oh nooo!)\nKyle: Ike! [Kyle runs to the front of the bus.] STOP THE BUUUUUS! Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!\nMs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN, KID!\nKyle: But I have to get off!\nMs. Crabtree: DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL!?\nKyle: No.\nMs. Crabtree: Then sit down!\nKyle: But I...\nMs. Crabtree: Arrgghhh!\nKyle: Arrghh!\nKyle, Ms. Crabtree: Arrrggghhh!\nScene Description: Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word.\nStan: Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?\nCartman: Shut up you guys, it's not working.\nKyle: We have to do something!\nStan: Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.\nMs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!\nStan: Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.\nMs. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.\nScene Description: she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.\nKyle: What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts.] You farted. [They laugh.]\nCartman: Heh, somebody's baking brownies.\nScene Description: Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then zooms away.\nScene Description: Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow.\nFarmer Carl Denkins: That's the third cow this month. At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.\nScene Description: The cows moo questioningly.\nOfficer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.\nScene Description: The cows shake their heads.\nFarmer Carl: People been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.\nOfficer Barbrady: UFO's? [Laughs.]\nFarmer Carl: Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.\nOfficer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.\nScene Description: Helicopters fly by above him.\nFarmer Carl: What was that?\nOfficer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.\nFarmer Carl: What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?\nScene Description: The cows notice something and raise their heads. One Visitor waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cows start running away from them.\nFarmer Carl: Hey! My cattle!\nScene Description: The \"Cattle Ranch\" sign falls down.\nFarmer Carl: You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!\nOfficer Barbrady: There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's class.\nMr. Herbert Garrison: And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.\nMr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492 Columbus started a restaurant...[He is drowned out by Kyle's voice.]\nKyle: [Whispering.] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, \"Where's your brother, Kyle?\" \"You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?\"\nStan: [Whispering.] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.\nKyle: [His voice is rising to an audible level.] \"You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!\" \"Brush and floss, Kyle!\" \"Where has that finger been, Kyle?\"\nStan: Dude!\nMr. Garrison: Is there a problem, boys?\nKyle: Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?\nKyle: No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Silence.] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.\nCartman: [Embarrassed.] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh.\nKyle: [Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?\nMr. Garrison: I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?\nKyle: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!\nMr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.\nKyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?\nMr. Hat: Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!\nMr. Garrison: Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.\nKyle: Damn it!\nCartman: Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.\nScene Description: Cartman farts fire. Poor Pip is stunned.\nCartman: Ow! My ass!\nScene Description: The class gasps.\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: Damn, Cartman!\nCartman: [Cartman farts fire again.] Uh... Ow! My ass!\nKyle: Dude, he's farting fire!\nStan: It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!\nCartman: No, that was just a dream.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?\nCartman: No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.\nScene Description: Cartman farts fire again, setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire.\nScene Description: Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town.\nTrain Conductor: Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.\nScene Description: The cows are all staring at the conductor.\nTrain Conductor: No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Drives by with his lights flashing.] Hold it right there, cows!\nScene Description: Cows split up and run off mooing.\nOfficer Barbrady: Come back here! Now then! [He pursues them.]\nScene Description: Cafeteria\nKid: So then I had bad, bad gas.\nJason: Ya, seriously, killer.\nCartman: [Cartman farts fire.] Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry.\nStan: How can you eat when you're farting fire?\nCartman: Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.\nKyle: Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.\nStan: [Gasps.] Where?\nScene Description: He finds himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear\nCartman: [Singing.] Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger.\nStan: Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!\nCartman: I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.\nStan: I do not!\nWendy Testaburger: Hi, guys.\nKyle, Cartman: Hi, Wendy.\nWendy: Here, Stan. This is for you. [Wendy hands Stan a note.]\nStan: Bleech!\nWendy: Eww! [She leaves.]\nKyle, Cartman: [Their eyes follow her out.] Bye, Wendy.\nKyle: Dude, what does the note say?\nStan: [He glances at it.] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.\nScene Description: A look of wonder comes over his face.\nKyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.\nCartman: Or slip her the tongue.\nKenny: (Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)\nStan: [That gets his attention.] What? How do you know she has a cat?\nScene Description: Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant.\nKyle: Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.\nScene Description: The cafeteria kitchen. Chef stands behind the counter, ready to serve food. The boys enter.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nBoys: Hey, Chef.\nChef: How are you doing?\nKyle: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nKyle: Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?\nChef: Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. I'm gonna make love to you woman Gonna lay you down by the fire And caress your womanly body Make you moooooan and perspire Gonna-\nStan: Uh, Chef?\nChef: -get those juices flowin'-\nStan: Chef.\nChef: -we're makin' love gravy-\nStan: Chef!\nChef: -love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!\nStan: [shouts loud enough for Chef to hear] CHEF!!!\nChef: Love luh- Huh?\nScene Description: Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle.\nChef: Do you feel better?\nKyle: No!\nChef: Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.\nStan: Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.\nChef: What?!\nScene Description: Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter.\nChef: What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!\nKyle: Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.\nCartman: You are making it up.\nScene Description: Cartman farts more fire, the anal probe pops out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed at Cartman's determination that it didn't happen.\nStan: Whoa!\nScene Description: The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: That was cool!\nChef: It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.\nScene Description: Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe.\nChef: This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us.\nCartman: [Turning to face Chef, testily.] Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?\nChef: It's no joke, children, this is big!\nKyle: Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.\nChef: Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself.] Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children.\nCartman: Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!\nChef: [Pulling on the fire alarm] Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! [To the boys.] Okay children, this is your chance!\nStan: Killer! Thanks, Chef.\nChef: Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien Visitors. I've got to get myself ready.\nScene Description: The boys' neighborhood.\nBoys: [Singing.] We got out of school, No more school today, We got out of school...\nScene Description: Cartman, interrupting the song with a fiery fart.\nCartman: Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!\nStan: Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.\nCartman: I would if I could, you son of a bitch!\nKyle: Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?\nCartman: Uh-Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!\nScene Description: a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.\nCartman: I love to singa, About the moona and June-a and the springa, I love to singa, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...\nScene Description: A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background.\nStan: What the hell was that?\nKyle: He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!\nCartman: Ah, son of a bitch!\nCartman: You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.\nScene Description: Kyle yells into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes.\nKyle: Hey!\nCartman: Uh...\nKyle: If you Visitors can hear me-\nScene Description: The voice echoes in Cartman's head.\nCartman: Hey...\nKyle: -bring me back my little brother, God damnit!\nCartman: Ow! [Faces Kyle.] That hurts, you buttlicker!\nScene Description: Stan notices a spaceship hovering overhead.\nStan: Kyle, look! It's them.\nKyle: Give me back my brother!\nScene Description: Kyle throws a rock at the spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.\nStan: Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!\nScene Description: The spaceship leaves.\nKyle: Damn it, we were so close!\nStan: Hey look, [Kenny gets up.] I think Kenny's okay.\nKenny: (Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!)\nScene Description: The fleeing cows run over Kenny.\nStan: Owww.\nKenny: [He gets up again.] (Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!)\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady mows him down with his police cruiser. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach.\nStan: Wow, poor Kenny.\nKyle: Now do you believe us, Cartman?\nCartman: No!\nKyle: Cartman, they killed Kenny!\nCartman: He's not dead.\nStan: Dude, Kenny is dead!\nScene Description: Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.\nStan: See?\nCartman: Shut up, you guys.\nKyle: He's dead, Cartman!\nScene Description: Kyle pulls Kenny's head off his body.\nCartman: God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [He walks off.] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.\nKyle: Go on and go home, you fat chicken!\nCartman: [Off screen.] Dildo!\nKyle: You're all I have left, Stan.\nStan: Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.\nKyle: You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!\nScene Description: Rats feast upon Kenny's body.\nStan: Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. [He hurries away.]\nScene Description: Rats drag Kenny's head off.\nKyle: Rats.\nScene Description: Cartman's house.\nLiane Cartman: Hello, Eric.\nCartman: Hi, Mom.\nLiane: How are you doing?\nCartman: Well, I'm pissed off!\nLiane: Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.\nCartman: I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!\nLiane: You're not fat, you're big boned.\nCartman: That's what I said.\nLiane: You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?\nCartman: No!\nLiane: Just a weensy eensy woo woo?\nCartman: No, leave me alone mom! [He walks past her.]\nLiane: How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?\nCartman: [He stops in his tracks.] What? Well, that does sound pretty good.\nScene Description: He returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie.\nCartman: Uh, Mom?\nLiane: Yes, hon?\nCartman: If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?\nLiane: Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?\nScene Description: Cartman is in disbelief she even asked.\nCartman: Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.\nScene Description: Stark's Pond. Kyle decided to join Stan.\nKyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now.\nStan: But her note said she'd be here.\nScene Description: Wendy appears out of nowhere.\nWendy: Hi, Stan.\nStan: Bleech!\nWendy: Eww!\nKyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.\nWendy: But why, Stan?\nScene Description: Stan tries to hold it in.\nStan: Bleech!\nWendy: Eww!\nKyle: Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?\nWendy: [Turns to Kyle.] Huh?\nKyle: Just make sweet love down by the fire.\nWendy: What happened to your little brother?\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV.\nNews Reporter: As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.\nScene Description: A plane circles around a field with odd patterns on it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of Cartman.\nCartman: Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.\nNews Reporter: Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nScene Description: Noticing Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie.\nCartman: No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, you bad kitt-!\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!\nScene Description: Kitty hisses.\nCartman: Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!\nScene Description: Liane peeks in suggestively.\nLiane: Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.\nCartman: [Confused.] What?\nScene Description: Stark's Pond. Kyle is explaining what happened to his little brother.\nKyle: ...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.\nWendy: Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?\nKyle: Why?\nWendy: Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.\nKyle: Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. [He moves out.]\nWendy: Come on, Stan. [She walks past him, following Kyle.]\nStan: Bleech!\nWendy: Eww! [She walks away.]\nStan: Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?\nScene Description: A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.\nScene Description: Cartman's House, a short time later.\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, you can't have any!\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty-!\nScene Description: Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze.\nCartman: Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.\nScene Description: Liane enters the room with Kyle, Stan, and Wendy.\nLiane: Eric, look who's here.\nCartman: Dude, weak mom.\nKyle: Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.\nCartman: I can't, my mom said...\nLiane: That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.\nCartman: [Quietly.] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends-\nLiane: [Stern.] Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.\nCartman: God damn it!\nScene Description: Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames.\nScene Description: Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree.\nCartman: You guys, I have to get home.\nStan: Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.\nScene Description: Cartman tugs his foot testing the rope.\nCartman: Oh, man, this sucks.\nKyle: How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?\nStan: I think we have to signal them somehow.\nCartman: [Cartman farts fire.] Ow!\nWendy: Hey, he's like Rudolph.\nKyle: Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the Visitors are sure to come!\nCartman: Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.\nKyle: Sure you do!\nStan: Come on Cartman, fart!\nCartman: I don't wanna.\nStan: [To Kyle and Wendy.] He can't hold it in forever.\nKyle: Fart, damn you!\nCartman: Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!\nScene Description: Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands.\nCartman: I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.\nStan: Hey, it's happening again.\nScene Description: The probe is now a large satellite dish.\nKyle: Whoa, look at that.\nStan: Now, do you believe us, Cartman?\nCartman: You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.\nStan: Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!\nCartman: Sure, you guys, what-ever.\nScene Description: The dish sends a radio signal out to space.\nScene Description: Chef's yard. He's sitting in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next to him.\nChef: Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [He looks at his watch.] And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.\nScene Description: Forest.\nCartman: You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!\nScene Description: Three small ships descend, followed by a mother-ship.\nCartman: Oh, God damn it!\nMr. Garrison: [Driving by, he stops.] What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.\nMr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.\nStan: Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Three Visitors appear.]\nKyle: Uh, uh...\nStan: Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.\nKyle: Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i- is a pretty special thing.\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.\nStan: That was beautiful, dude.\nKyle: Did it work?\nStan: No, they're leaving.\nKyle: Hey, you scrawny-eyed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nKyle: You know what you fuckers like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!\nStan: Hey Wendy, what's a fuck? [She shrugs.]\nScene Description: The spaceship door opens.\nIke: Help me doy tair.\nKyle: Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!\nIke: Don't hurt me.\nScene Description: A herd of cows runs away from the ship, but a trio of Visitors stops them in their tracks. The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle Visitor raises its hand and addresses them.\nVisitor: Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)\nCows: Moo?? (Really??)\nKyle: Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!\nIke: Don't kick the baby.\nVisitor: Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)\nCartman: What the hell are they talking about?\nCow: Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)\nVisitor: Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)\nVisitor Carl: Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)\nKyle: Ike!\nVisitor: Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)\nScene Description: The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.\nKyle: Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!\nIke: It's my turn!\nScene Description: Ike dives from the ship into the snow. The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.\nVisitor: Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)\nScene Description: The Visitors disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him grounded.\nCartman: You guys, get me down from here!\nScene Description: He farts fire, burning the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.\nCartman: Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!\nStan: Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.\nKyle: Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.\nIke: Oh, he fly out the sky.\nScene Description: Chef's yard.\nChef: Wait, where are you going, alien Visitors? Come back!\nScene Description: A blonde arrives with a brunette.\nBlonde: Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.\nChef: Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.\nScene Description: Forest.\nKyle: Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. [They leave.]\nStan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.\nWendy: Whatever, dude.\nStan: Hey, I didn't throw up.\nWendy: Cool!\nScene Description: She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy.\nStan: Bleech!\nScene Description: He barfs right on her face.\nWendy: Eww!\nStan: Sorry.\nWendy: Hey, look. A French fry.\nStan: Cool.\nWendy: And what is that?\nStan: I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.\nScene Description: Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.\nWendy: Hey, what's that?\nStan: That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.\nWendy: Oh hey, what about that?\nStan: I don't know what the hell that is...\nScene Description: Bus Stop.\nStan: Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.\nKyle: Yeah, we're running out of friends.\nStan: I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows.\nScene Description: Cows out on a pasture.\nCows: Mooo.\nOfficer Barbrady: Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.\nScene Description: One of the cows steps on the plate on the Visitor's device. A beam from the device strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.\nOfficer Barbrady: I love to sing-a, About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a, I love to sing-a, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...\nScene Description: The cows begin hopping about gleefully.\nScene Description: Bus Stop. Cartman falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.\nCartman: Puh!\nStan: Oh, hey Cartman.\nKyle: Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.\nCartman: Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.\nStan: Really, what about?\nCartman: Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there was... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.\nStan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.\nCartman: [Sarcastically.] Oh right, [Matter of factly.] why don't I have pinkeye then?\nKyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye!\nCartman: Ahh, son of a bitch!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom.\nKyle: Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?\nStan: Yeah, it was huge.\nCartman: Ugh, I hate those things.\nKyle: Nobody hates rainbows.\nStan: Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?\nCartman: Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like: \"EHY! GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!\" [Silence.]\nStan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?\nCartman: I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those friggin' things!\nKyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.\nCartman: Ohh, rainbows. Oh yeah, I like those, those are cool.\nStan: What were you talking about?\nCartman: Huh? Oh, nothing, forget it.\nKyle: No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?\nCartman: Nothing..!\nMr. Garrison: Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? [Silence.] One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.\nWendy: [Softly.] Wow, I knew I would win.\nMr. Hat: Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.\nMr. Garrison: That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman.\nWendy: What?\nCartman: What?\nMr. Garrison: Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper.\nCartman: Kick ass!\nStan: That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rain-forest from a Pop-Tart.\nCartman: Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.\nMr. Garrison: Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.\nKyle: Wow, what did you write about Cartman?\nCartman: Oh, you know, this and that.\nWendy: He doesn't even know what he wrote about!\nKyle: What was your paper about Wendy?\nWendy: My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nose dolphins.\nCartman: There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.\nStan: Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet.\nCartman: Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?\nWendy: What?\nMr. Garrison: Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford.\nKyle: Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?\nMr. Garrison: And the presentation will be on national television.\nStan, Kyle: Television!\nMr. Garrison: [Thinking to himself.] Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.\nScene Description: City Hall. Mayor's Office.\nMayor McDaniels: Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that we're not just some piss-ant white-bread mountain town.\nTed: Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator.\nJohnson: Maybe even a State Senator.\nTed: Mayor, we should decorate the town square.\nJohnson: Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.\nMayor McDaniels: That's right, he's a black guy isn't he?\nTed: Black as the night itself Mayor.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.\nTed: If they're working in a sweat-shop that is.\nJohnson: Ohhh.\nTed: Ouch. [Johnson Laughs.] Thank you.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria.\nCartman: You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.\nWendy: [Passing by.] Hitler was famous too.\nChef: [Stopping by.] Hello there children.\nKyle, Stan: Hey, Chef.\nChef: How are my little crackers today?\nKyle, Stan: Good.\nChef: Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.\nStan: Yeah, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest.\nCartman: Hey!\nChef: Yeahyeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.\nKyle: Wow, are you gonna do it?\nChef: Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.\nStan: Yeah, that'd be cool.\nKenny: (How big's your penis, Chef?)\nChef: Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.\nScene Description: He giggles, somewhat embarrassed.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Garrison is at his desk and Mr. Hat is across from him in a chair.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.\nScene Description: Notices Mr. Hat.\nMr. Garrison: Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: [Now on Mr. Garrison's hand.] Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?\nMr. Garrison: Mmm, mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and, and I was only a child.\nMr. Hat: We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge.\nScene Description: Flashback to the National Talents Show Finals.\nLil Mr. Garrison: Knock knock, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat: Who's there?\nLil Mr. Garrison: Orange.\nMr. Hat: Orange who?\nLil Mr. Garrison: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?\nScene Description: One person claps.\nMr. Hat: Thank you.\nScene Description: Judges show scores of 8.9, 9, 7.8 and 9.2.\nLil Mr. Garrison: Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.\nShow Announcer: And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.\nLil Kathie Lee: If they could see me now, that little gang of mine. I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine. I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract [Mexican puppet] All I can say is, \"Wow-wee, look-a where I am.\" [Tourist puppet] Tonight I landed, Pow!, right in a pot of jam. What a setup! Holy Cow! They'd never believe it, if my friends could see me now!\nScene Description: Crowd goes wild. Judges show all 10's. Little Garrison is shocked.\nScene Description: In the present.\nMr. Garrison: It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete with that?\nMr. Hat: But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better.\nMr. Garrison: How?\nScene Description: Mr. Hat whispers to Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom, later in the day. The Mayor is now there.\nMayor McDaniels: Children, as you all know, Miss Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay.\nCartman: That kid is me.\nMayor McDaniels: Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.\nMr. Garrison: That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat: [In a demonic voice.] Kill her.\nMr. Garrison: [Whispers.] Mr. Hat!\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her.\nWendy: Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated.\nMayor McDaniels: Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best!\nScene Description: Silence.\nMayor McDaniels: And who's our little prize winner again?\nCartman: Me! Eric Cartman!\nMayor McDaniels: How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?\nCartman: Yes ma'am. [Sings.] I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.\nScene Description: Bus Stop The kids have gotten off the bus and are going home.\nCartman: [Still singing.] ...I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television...\nStan: [Turning to face Cartman.] We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.\nCartman: Egh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.\nStan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.\nCartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.\nStan: Dolphins are way smarter than you!\nCartman: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?\nStan: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos!\nCartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!\nStan: Tell me what you wrote about!\nCartman: I can't. I have to go home and get in shape.\nStan: Yeah, right! You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master!\nCartman: Screw you, hippie!\nScene Description: Cartman's House. Cartman is sitting on the couch in front of the TV eating Cheesy Poofs.\nTV Announcer: We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this.\nBeefcake: Hey!! You need to get in shape fast?! Wanna look your best?! Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?! Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!\nCartman: Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.\nBeefcake: Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain 4000!!\nCartman: Yes!\nBeefcake: With over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me: 'Beefcake!'\nCartman: Beefcake!\nBeefcake: Beefcake!\nCartman: Beefcake!\nBeefcake: Beefcake!\nBeefcake, Cartman: [In unison] BEEFCAKE!\nTV Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver...\nCartman: Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?\nLiane: Okay Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.\nCartman: But mom, I need it for tomorrow.\nLiane: But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.\nCartman: [Shrieking.] Mm-mo-om, Ah-ee née-eed suh-ome Weight Gain Four Thousaaand! I need iiit!\nLiane: Okay, okay, then. I guess I'll be going to the store now then.\nScene Description: Cartman smiles broadly.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Bed. He hears Kathie Lee singing in his head: \"If they could see me now, that little crowd of mine, and eating fancy chow...\" He wakes up startled.\nMr. Garrison: No, no!\nMr. Hat: [In a demonic voice.] Kill her.\nMr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.\nScene Description: Mr. Hat's head starts spinning slowly, demonically, his pupils glow red.\nMr. Hat: Kill!\nMr. Garrison: That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat: She'll make a fool of you again.\nMr. Garrison: Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy.\nScene Description: Bus Stop, next morning.\nScene Description: Cartman is a bit bigger and showing it off by wearing a Beefcake muscle shirt instead of layers of clothes.\nCartman: Hey dudes.\nKyle: What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?\nCartman: Listen! I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that?\nStan: What? You've got to weight 90 pounds.\nCartman: I'm up to 94, thank you very much.\nKenny: (They're the biggest breasts that I've seen)\nKyle: Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.\nScene Description: The others laugh.\nCartman: Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff.\nScene Description: He chugs the can of Weight Gain.\nStan: What's that stuff?\nCartman: Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.\nKyle: Bulk up to what, fat-ass?\nStan: Super fat-ass?\nCartman: Ey! I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!\nScene Description: The bus Arrives and the others go in ahead of him.\nCartman: Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh.\nScene Description: Town Square. A flag goes up.\nMayor McDaniels: Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!\nCows: [Out in a pasture.] Mooooo?\nScene Description: Outdoor stage. The class has moved there to practice a play.\nMayor McDaniels: Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?\nMr. Garrison: Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kevin Stoley go.\nMr. Garrison: Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage.\nScene Description: Pip, Kenny, Red, and Token go.\nClyde Donovan: Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?\nMr. Garrison: Do you have a feather on your head?\nClyde: Yes.\nMr. Garrison: Then you're an Indian.\nClyde: Oh.\nMr. Garrison: Okay Bebe, this is your line.\nBebe Stevens: [Haltingly.] This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land.\nScene Description: The curtains part to reveal Clyde, Token, Pip, Bertha, and Kenny, all dressed like Indians, sitting in a circle beneath a prop teepee.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, don't they look adorable?\nBebe: Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers.\nScene Description: Pioneers come on stage and start beating the Indians and tossing them about. Screams are everywhere, and a tee-pee falls in front of Kenny.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh my God!\nMr. Garrison: They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy.\nBebe: The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands.\nScene Description: Kevin the Indian lands by her, with blood oozing out of a gash on his head. She steps aside. Pioneer Butters punches Indian Pip repeatedly.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.\nMr. Garrison: Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days.\nStan: Take that you stupid Indian!\nScene Description: Stan beats Clyde the Indian with the butt of his gun.\nClyde: Dow!\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!?\nMr. Garrison: To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!\nScene Description: All stop and gasp.\nMr. Garrison: Oh my God, what have I said?\nTownsman: He said, \"To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!\"\nScene Description: Boos all around.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.\nScene Description: Garrison skulks away.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's House.\nMr. Hat: [In his deep voice.] It happened again didn't it? Now we do things my way.\nMr. Garrison: I can't kill her Mr. Hat...you're gonna have to do it.\nScene Description: Mr. Hat laughs.\nScene Description: Town Square Stage.\nKyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.\nScene Description: Cartman is much bigger now.\nCartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.\nKyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!\nCartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!\nKyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go \"God damn it, that's a big fat ass!\"\nCartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!\nTownsman: God damn, that's a big fat ass!\nCartman: Hey!\nWendy: Hi guys.\nCartman: Oh look, another hippie.\nScene Description: Cartman gives her the peace sign.\nCartman: Peace, Wendy.\nStan: Shut up Cartman!\nCartman: Oooh, Two little hippies sit'n' in a tree...\nScene Description: Wendy moves by Cartman and then whispers to Stan.\nWendy: I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.\nCartman: ...K I S S I N G. First comes the baby and...\nScene Description: Jimbo's Guns. There is a poster welcoming Kathie Lee on the left side of the store entrance.\nJimbo Kern: Can I help you?\nMr. Garrison: Yes... I need a gun.\nJimbo: Would this be for hunting, home protection, or other?\nMr. Garrison: Other.\nJimbo: Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on!\nScene Description: Hands Mr. Garrison a gun.\nJimbo: That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes.\nMr. Garrison: [To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] I don't know, it's a little small.\nJimbo: Okay, how about this?\nMr. Garrison: [To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.\nJimbo: Here's the same gun, with a wood finish.\nMr. Garrison: [To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me. [To Jimbo.] I'll take it!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom, lights out. Wendy enters.\nWendy: Hello?\nScene Description: She sneaks over to file cabinet. Sees her paper first and is disgusted to find Cartman's question in writing: \"If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?\" Then she finds Cartman's paper.\nWendy: My essay by Eric Cartman: \"When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of...\"\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison enters. Wendy hides.\nMr. Garrison: Well, Mr. Hat, I guess ol' Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang!\nWendy: [Hushed.] Oh my God.\nScene Description: Town Square. Mr. Garrison walks down the street with his rifle as if it's normal.\nTownsman: Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun.\nMr. Garrison: Thank you.\nTownswoman: Nice gun Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Thanks.\nScene Description: He approaches Officer Barbrady.\nMr. Garrison: Hello Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: Nice Gun.\nMr. Garrison: Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hmmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.\nScene Description: They look up at it. Two vultures fly around it.\nMr. Garrison: Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: No problem.\nScene Description: He turns to a fan walking by with a camera.\nOfficer Barbrady: Heah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee!\nMayor McDaniels: [On stage.] Where is she?\nScene Description: Cartman, off stage, looming over his friends now.\nCartman: This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!\nKyle: I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman.\nWendy: [Rushing in.] You guys, we have to stop him!\nKyle: Stop who?\nWendy: Mr. Garrison. He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.\nCartman: Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame.\nWendy: He's got a gun!\nCartman: You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eihh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you.\nWendy: It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go!\nStan: Wendy, you got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination?\nWendy: [Sweetly.] Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?\nScene Description: Stan falters and looks down, unable to resist her.\nKyle: Uh oh, we're losing him.\nScene Description: Cartman looks down at Stan.\nMayor McDaniels: Here she comes.\nScene Description: The band starts playing. Kathie Lee comes in riding in bullet proof 'bubble' on the back of a truck.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison, looking on from the book depository window.\nMr. Garrison: Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.\nTownswoman: We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh.\nKathie Lee Gifford: I love you, too.\nMr. Garrison: Come on you little bitch. [Takes aim.] You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy.\nMayor McDaniels: [On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.\nScene Description: Crowd cheers.\nMayor McDaniels: ...And now, our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.\nChef: Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of uh, the humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy. Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you dowwwwn. And lick every inch of your bodaay with my tongue.\nMayor McDaniels: What?\nChef: Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy.\nMayor McDaniels: What? Oh God!\nChef: How 'bout you and meee-\nScene Description: Quickly taking the mic from him.\nMayor McDaniels: Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song.\nChef: -get together and make... sweet... love?\nMayor McDaniels: Thank you Chef!\nScene Description: She grabs the mike and drags him off.\nChef McDaniels: Oh, oh. God bless you Kathie Lee!\nWendy: [Wendy and Stan run up.] Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!\nOfficer Barbrady: What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute. [Flashes back.]\nMr. Garrison: Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet-I think the book depository would be a good bet-book depository-depository-depository-depository ...\nScene Description: His face gets bigger with every repetition. He snaps to.\nOfficer Barbrady: Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB!\nStan: Wendy, look!\nScene Description: Points to book depository.\nScene Description: Back on stage.\nMayor McDaniels: And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kauffman...\nCartman: Cartman, God damn it.\nMayor McDaniels: ...is your favorite celebrity, and mine, [Crowd cheers.] Kathie Lee Gifford!\nScene Description: Kathie Lee is thrust up on stage in her bubble by her security force. Cartman's mom hugs her heart.\nKathie Lee: Thank you. I love you all.\nScene Description: Stan and Wendy reach the Book Depository.\nStan: Mr. Garrison, stop!\nMr. Garrison: Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.\nWendy: I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.\nMr. Garrison: You can't know.\nWendy: You should have won that talent show.\nScene Description: On the stage.\nKathie Lee: It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?\nCartman: Here it is, my big moment of fame.\nScene Description: Book Depository.\nMr. Garrison: ...and then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.\nWendy: I know that Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.\nMr. Garrison: It is... too late for me, young Wendy.\nScene Description: Cartman gets on stage, with help from Kyle and Kenny. Mr. Garrison takes aim.\nWendy: You see, I've learned something today, you can't win all the time, and if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.\nScene Description: Lowering his weapon.\nMr. Garrison: You... you're right.\nWendy: Gooood.\nStan: Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?\nMr. Hat: [Snapping into position.] The bitch must die!\nScene Description: The stage. Cartman's weight breaks it.\nKathie Lee: Ooohhhh!\nScene Description: She flies through the air. Mr. Garrison fires at her, thinking she is still on stage. Kenny is hit.\nKenny: (Oh no!)\nScene Description: He flies through the air and is impaled through the head by a flag pole. He slides on down.\nKyle: Huh, Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard!\nScene Description: Kathie Lee's bubble lands on the truck.\nAgent 1: Gun!\nAgent 2: Gun!\nKyle: Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play.\nScene Description: The entourage leaves and the crowd groans.\nTV Crew Director: I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.\nCartman: Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?\nTV Crew Director: Forget it kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest.\nCartman: [Whining.] But I won the environmental essay contest.\nWendy: You don't deserve to win Cartman. And you know it.\nScene Description: Into mic.\nWendy: I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden, with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out, and Cartman's name written in its place.\nTownsman 1: Who cares?\nTownsman 2: Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.\nStan: Wha, What about, not holding anything against the person who wins?\nWendy: Well, not if it's Cartman.\nScene Description: Into mic.\nWendy: Hey, where are you all going!\nScene Description: Aside.\nWendy: They don't even know what Walden is.\nScene Description: Into mic.\nWendy: I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.\nStan: Come on Wendy, Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.\nWendy: Ah, what the hell.\nScene Description: Kids walk out.\nMayor McDaniels: Nohoho nooo. Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever, with all these stupid hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!\nTed: Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.\nScene Description: In front of flag pole.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Arresting Mr. Hat.] Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.\nOfficer Barbrady: You're lucky that you missed Kathie Lee Gifford and that nobody got hurt.\nScene Description: Apparently, he didn't see Kenny get impaled. Kenny's corpse slides down to base of flag pole.\nScene Description: South Park Mental Home, Mr. Garrison's Hospital Room.\nStan: We hope you can come back to school real soon Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Well children, I'd love to, but the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.\nScene Description: Mr. Hat is in a straitjacket.\nMr. Hat: We can still get her! Let mmm-\nMr. Garrison: I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.\nKyle: Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway.\nMr. Garrison: Really, on what?\nScene Description: Geraldo.\nGeraldo Rivera: Obesity, adiposity, corpulence... Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat-ass. We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house.\nCartman: When is this going to be on the air?\nGeraldo: Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?\nCartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!\nScene Description: Chef's Bedroom.\nChef: He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.\nKathie Lee: Hmmm, how about a little more of that good lovin' Chef?\nChef: Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. You trying to kill me?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: In front of Cartman's house. Jimbo, Ned, and the boys are waiting for Cartman.\nLiane: Now you be careful, Eric. The woods can be very dangerous.\nCartman: Okay, Mom.\nKyle: Ready to go hunting, Cartman?\nStan: Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right, Uncle Jimbo?\nJimbo: That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.\nLiane: Here hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and happy tarts.\nJimbo: Don't worry Mrs. Cartman, we'll take good care of him. I brought my old war buddy Ned to keep things safe.\nNed Gerblansky: Hello, Mrs. Cartman. How are you today?\nLiane: Be sure to use lots of bug spray, and if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy.\nScene Description: The other boys laugh.\nCartman: Dude, that's sick mom.\nLiane: And I know it can get scary up in those woods, but just remember, mommy's not far away.\nScene Description: They laugh some more.\nCartman: Drive, Drive!\nLiane: You give your mommy a kissy.\nCartman: Drive the car damn-it, drive!\nScene Description: In the Humvee.\nKyle: [In a slight falsetto.] Don't get scared up in the mountains Cartman.\nCartman: Shut up, I'm not scared of nothing.\nStan: Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.\nKenny: (Maybe she'll suck my dick.)\nJimbo: Oh, ho, that's disgusting.\nCartman: You piece of crap, I'll kill you!\nScene Description: Cartman starts fighting with Kenny.\nJimbo: That's the spirit boys, let's get that testosterone flowin'.\nCartman: Eeeeenh!\nScene Description: He is about to strike Kenny again.\nJimbo: Now boys, boys, ah-I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human, and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.\nStan: Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.\nJimbo: You what?!?\nNed: mmmMoh Yeah, that's right, I don't think eight year old kids drink beer, mmm.\nKyle: I like chocolate milk.\nJimbo: Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip; After all, hunting sober is like ...fishing ...sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while, away from civilization.\nScene Description: Jimbo drives the Humvee up a small mountain very close to town.\nScene Description: On the mountain.\nJimbo: Welp, here we are. Okay, each of you young 'uns take a gun, a beer and some smokes.\nCartman: Hey, I didn't get a gun.\nScene Description: Jimbo hands him one.\nCartman: Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam\nStan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman.\nNed: Were you stationed in Da Nang?\nStan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says.\nCartman: Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.\nScene Description: They point their guns at each other, Jimbo rushes up.\nJimbo: Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.\nStan: My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.\nKyle: Wow, that'd be cool.\nCartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.\nJimbo: Boys, looky there. That there's a Rocky Mountain black bear ...one of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful... By God, it's coming right for us!\nScene Description: Shoots it. It is hit and flips off the mound it was on.\nStan: Hey, it wasn't coming right for us. It was just sitting there.\nJimbo: Shhh, not so loud. Now that there's just a technicality.\nKyle: What do you mean?\nJimbo: You see boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting.\nCartman: Democrats piss me off!\nJimbo: They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore, unless they're posing an immediate threat. Therefore, before we shoot somethin', we have to say 'It's coming right for us.'\nStan: Wow, you're smart Uncle Jimbo.\nNed: Mmm, Jimbo look, mm.\nJimbo: Ohho, it's a deer. Looks like about a .46 gauge, Ned. It's coming right for us!\nScene Description: Jimbo pulls out a bazooka, mounts it on his shoulder, and fires a rocket. All that's left of the deer is a hind leg, which falls over.\nCartman: Kickass!!\nScene Description: Everyone is in creep position now, except Jimbo.\nJimbo: Did you see that?! I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck.\nNed: Moohh, rabbit, rabbit, 5 o'clock.\nScene Description: A rabbit hops blissfully into view.\nJimbo: [Drops to the ground.] Let's move, moove!\nScene Description: He hustles off to the right. Ned follows.\nStan: Is this hunting?\nKyle: I guess so.\nCartman: Ah, dude! I'm starting to have flashbacks.\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: Danforth, pull up flank! Look out for Charlies- up in the trees!\nScene Description: On the ridge.\nJimbo: This one's yours Stan.\nScene Description: Stan aims at the bunny, but it just blinks at him. Jimbo coaxes.\nJimbo: [Calmly.]It's coming right for us.\nNed: It's coming right for us.\nScene Description: Stan focuses. The bunny blinks.\nKyle: Shoot it Stan.\nCartman: I got your back, soldier.\nScene Description: Stan lowers his gun.\nStan: I can't.\nScene Description: The bunny hops away.\nJimbo: What the? What's wrong with you?\nStan: I don't wanna shoot the bunny.\nJimbo: What the hell are you talking about, 'you don't wanna shoot the bunny?' You're babbling, you're not making any sense, you're hysterical.\nStan: I'm not hysterical, I just don't want to shoot the bunny.\nJimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger.\nCartman: Yeah hippie, go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything.\nStan: I can shoot you, fat ass!\nCartman: I can shoot you too!\nStan: I'll kill you!\nCartman: I'll fill you full of lead!\nScene Description: The mountain rumbles.\nKyle: Hey, what's that?\nScene Description: South Park Center for Seismic Activity, Randy is humming: another day and all is quiet. A rumble is heard in the distance, but Randy is dozing off. A stronger rumble rolls through.\nScene Description: Randy checks the seismograph.\nRandy Marsh: What the heck is this?\nScene Description: He places a call.\nRandy: Yeah, Frank, it's uh Randy, Uh huh, good, Yeah, listen, the uh, the little needle's moving. Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast-what does that mean? ...Uh huh ...Uh huh ...Let me check.\nScene Description: He looks out the window at the volcano, which shows a column of steam.\nRandy: Yeah, it's smoking. Uh huh. Oh really? Really? Oh my God! A volcano!\nScene Description: Dramatic music builds, then Randy...sips his coffee.\nScene Description: Night on the mountain.\nCartman: My weenies won't cook.\nNed: Mmm, this wood won't burn, umm.\nJimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.\nNed: Mmm, yepper.\nScene Description: Ned pours gasoline on the fire. The flames run up the stream and set Ned aflame.\nNed: Mmm, aahh, oh.\nJimbo: Hehehaahaa, hey, stop-drop-and roll Ned. Haaahaaaaahaha!!\nScene Description: Ned drops and rolls. He knocks the gas can over, and the flaming gas blows up the Hummer.\nStan, Kyle: Whoa!\nJimbo: Goddamnit Ned, I just got that van. How the hell are we supposed to get home?\nNed: Mmm, oh, it hurts, it hurts, mmm.\nScene Description: Cartman is now cooking his weenies over Ned's burning body.\nCartman: Hey you guys, this works pretty good right meah.\nScene Description: City Hall, The following morning.\nChef: But you see Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury steak in our public schools. What's next, meatloaf?\nMayor McDaniels: We are quite aware of your concerns Chef, but...\nScene Description: The intercom beeps. She answers.\nJohnson: Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.\nMayor McDaniels: My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check-up.\nJohnson: No mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the earth.\nMayor McDaniels: Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect, I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!\nJohnson: I'm not in your office mayor, I'm talking to you through a speaker.\nScene Description: Long pause.\nMayor McDaniels: Just send in the geometrist.\nJohnson: Geologist...\nMayor McDaniels: You are fired, buddy!\nJohnson: Thank you mayor, it's been great working for you.\nScene Description: Randy enters.\nRandy: Mayor, we have got a very big problem. Mt. Evanston is about to erupt.\nMayor McDaniels: What does this mean to the town?\nRandy: Well, this graph shows everything from normal to bad.\nScene Description: He points out relative damage levels on a chart.\nRandy: Right now South Park is here.\nMayor McDaniels: My God!\nChef: Mayor, some of the school children, are up camping, on that mountain, right now!\nMayor McDaniels: Ooh, this is big! Johnson, Johnson, are you there? [Beeps out.]\nTed: Uhh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor. I'm his replacement, Ted.\nMayor McDaniels: Ted, we have got a major crisis here. I want you to get on the phone and call Inside Edition, Rescue 911-uh, and Entertainment Tonight-eh. [Thump.] Better get my stylist on the phone too. Don't worry, things are under control.\nScene Description: Back on the Mountain. Jimbo is telling stories.\nJimbo: And then... Ned picked up the grenade and... BOOM, blasted his arm clear off. We spent three hours looking for that damn arm, but it was never to be found. Some say it's still crawling around to this day.\nScene Description: Ned extends his prosthetic arm towards Cartman as if to show that shot-off arm is now at the campsite, climbing on Cartman.\nNed: Mmmowwwh.\nScene Description: Cartman flinches, and the others laugh.\nJimbo: Hah, got ya.\nCartman: Heh, tha-that's not scary.\nKyle: You were scared Cartman! you almost peed your pants!\nCartman: Shut up, I didn't pee in my pants!\nJimbo: Hey Ned, hand me that gin.\nScene Description: Ned opens up the icebox and tosses a bottle to him.\nJimbo: You boys want to tie one on?\nKyle: No, No thanks, that stuff tastes like pee.\nStan: Yeah, Cartman's pee.\nCartman: Hey, you would taste my pee!\nJimbo: What the hell's wrong with you? Can't you have a little alcohol?\nScene Description: Kenny reaches for the gasoline can and chugs away.\nJimbo: Christ, look at that little bastard go!\nScene Description: Kenny hiccups.\nJimbo: Now you see that Stan? Now, now that is a dirty little bastard!\nStan: Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too.\nCartman: Hey you guys. I know a scary story.\nKyle: Shut up, Cartman! You can't scare anybody!\nScene Description: Softly, slowly, flashlight ready.\nCartman: Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard of [He turns his flashlight on his face for dramatic effect.] Scuzzlebutt?\nStan: Whatabutt?\nCartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top.\nStan: Why?\nCartman: Because, it loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.\nKyle: Deformed how?\nCartman: Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...\nStan: A hook.\nKyle: A knife.\nCartman: No! A piece of celery.\nStan: Celery?\nCartman: Yeah, and he walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.\nKyle: Patrick Duffy? Damn it Cartman, that's not scary!\nCartman: What do you mean? Have you ever seen Step By Step? [Silence.] So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets, and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tashink ...tashink ...tashink.\nStan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories.\nKyle: Yeah, give me that flashlight.\nScene Description: Kyle takes it and turns it off.\nKenny: (Hey, what's that?)\nScene Description: The volcano rumbles again.\nKyle: What is that?\nStan: Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets.\nCartman: Hey, it might be!\nKyle: Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand.\nScene Description: The others laugh.\nCartman: Screw you guys! ...Go to Hell!\nScene Description: Jimbo is now playing his guitar.\nJimbo: Hey Ned, why don't you whip out the ol' cancer kazoo? Let's do a little song.\nNed: Abumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah. [Uncle Jimbo cries] Mmmoh lord, Kumbayah. Emsomeone's crying my lord, Kumbayah Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah...\nCartman: They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary huh? Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt! I'll scare the hell out of 'em tomorrow!\nNed: ...Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah. Moh lord, Kumbayah.\nScene Description: Next morning. A rooster crows.\nKyle: Stan, Stan, wake up!\nStan: What, dude?\nKyle: I don't know where Cartman is. I think something took him away.\nStan: Where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned?\nKyle: They're out fishing with Kenny.\nStan: With Kenny? But, but this is supposed to be my camping trip. Why do they like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like me anymore?\nKyle: Well Stan, you want to know what I think?\nStan: What?\nScene Description: Kyle farts, and is pleased with himself. Stan does nothing.\nScene Description: In the fishing boat.\nJimbo: What a beautiful morning for fishing. There's one, there's a fish right there!\nScene Description: He throws grenade, killing a fish.\nNed: Mmm, got it.\nScene Description: Kenny throws a grenade, killing four fish.\nJimbo: Great instincts boy.\nScene Description: Stan runs to the side of the lake.\nStan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman's missing!\nJimbo: Who? The fat kid?\nStan: Yeah.\nJimbo: Ah hell, I guess we better go look for him. Ned, we got to cut it short. Fire out the 12-20!\nScene Description: Ned fires the load and a massive amount of fish float to the surface. The boat lands a second later\nJimbo: Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit.\nNed: [Rowing to shore.] Moh man it smells like dead fish here.\nKenny: (A little like a vagina.)\nNed: Em-moh man, that is nasty.\nJimbo: Heh, I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you Kenny. I'm making you... my honorary nephew.\nKenny: (Thanks.)\nScene Description: Stan's head drops.\nScene Description: In front of city hall. The media is now present.\nNewscaster: The people of South Park are humble and friendly. But now, a ticking time-bomb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful burning agony.\nCrowd: Yeahhh.\nScene Description: They sound more excited than agonized.\nIndividual in crowd: Hey, I'm on TV! I'm on TV!\nNewscaster: Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitable catastrophe?\nMayor McDaniels: All we know right now is that some of our children [Sob-sob.] are camping on that mountain and... Oh, I'm sorry, can I start over?\nNewscaster: Huh?\nMayor McDaniels: Well you can edit this right? Ready, 3,2,1 [Melodramatically.] All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain. We can't do anything until we get them. Okay people, let's go get those kids.\nChef: Come on everybody. You got to help the children.\nScene Description: On the mountain.\nJimbo: Uh, well, he couldn't have gone far, unless something drug him off.\nNed: There's not many animals out today, Jimbo, mmm.\nJimbo: Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on.\nScene Description: The volcano rumbles.\nJimbo: Christ, Ned, what'd you have for breakfast.\nNed: Mm I don't know man. I've got some bad gas.\nJimbo: Wait, there's a ram! It's coming right for us!\nScene Description: Fires at the ram. Kenny takes over.\nJimbo: Nice shootin' Kenny. Here, you need a bigger gun.\nKyle: Look!\nCartman: I am Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the Mountains. Behold my Patrick Duffy leg.\nNed: Mmm, what is it?\nKyle: Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying.\nJimbo: Holy crow! We could make a mint killing this thing.\nNed: We'll be on the cover of \"Guns & Ammo\".\nJimbo: This calls for some HJ-14.\nCartman: [To himself.] Heheh. Those guys are totally scared.\nScene Description: Jimbo is now armed with twin shoulder rockets.\nJimbo: Fire in the hoooole!\nCartman: Holy crap!\nScene Description: Cartman jumps out of the way. The rockets hit the mound and debris goes in all directions.\nJimbo: Damn it, I think I missed.\nCartman: What the hell is wrong with you people?!\nJimbo: C'mon, let's move, move!\nScene Description: Cartman sees them coming and backs away.\nCartman: Hey, wait, aah!\nScene Description: Rescue Center.\nMayor McDaniels: Is, is it on? Okay. Okay people, form groups and search the mountain. Report back here every hour! You got that?!\nRandy: Mayor, I might have an uhh, idea.\nMayor McDaniels: Huh, what?\nRandy: Well if we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a canyon, and then it would bypass South Park pretty much completely.\nMayor McDaniels: And, that would be good? Right?\nRandy: Uh - pretty sure.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, what are we waiting for. Okay, people, change of plans! Half of you grab shovels!\nScene Description: On the mountain. Jimbo and the others have lost sight of Cartman.\nJimbo: These look like its tracks. He must have gone this way. Ned, prepare some HK-12 and some plasticine. I'll bet that sucker's headed for a higher elevation. The higher up it- BIRD!! [Shoots a bald eagle.] The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe.\nKyle: [Sees Cartman still dressed as Scuzzlebutt] Look, up there.\nCartman: You guys, it's just me.\nJimbo: Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?\nStan: Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg?\nJimbo: I can't tell; let's kill it!\nCartman: Eh, gotta get out of this stupid costume.\nJimbo: Kenny, you take the front.\nStan: No!\nScene Description: Stan takes the rifle from Kenny.\nStan: I can do it Uncle Jimbo. I want to bag that animal!\nJimbo: That's the spirit, kiddo. Let's hunt!\nCartman: You guys, you guys, I was just kidding!\nScene Description: Townspeople digging trench.\nNewscaster: As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople. But all must take every precaution necessary.\nScene Description: Rescue Center.\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special-ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would please.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison starts the film.\nHost: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress, and the volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here we see the Stevens family enjoying a [Film skips] May picnic, but suddenly daughter hears a noise. It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. But have no fear Junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt.\nScene Description: Jane backs up, pulls out the blanket from under the food, and throws it over her family.\nHost: That's right Jane, duck and cover.\nScene Description: She ducks under the blanket herself. The lava rolls over the family, causing no harm. The blanket flies off, revealing a sparkling family.\nHost: So what will you [Film skips] -do when you hear a volcano erupting?\nScene Description: Two boys on bikes look alarmed. They leap off their bikes and hit the street, duck, and cover their heads with their arms.\nHost: That's right, duck and cover.\nScene Description: The lava rolls over the two, causing no harm.\nHost: Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye.\nOfficer Barbrady: OK, any questions?\nChef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!\nOfficer Barbrady: That's enough out of you!\nScene Description: On the mountain. Cartman moves further up on the slope and turns around.\nStan: I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt. Then we'll see who's the little bastard.\nCartman: Hey, seriously you guys!\nKyle: [Hushed.] Kill it, Stan. Kill it. [Normally.] Come on Stan, kill it.\nStan: Ah, damn it, I can't do it!\nScene Description: Jimbo swats Stan behind the head.\nJimbo: You pansy! give me that gun.\nCartman: Hey!\nStan: Cartman?\nCartman: Goddammit, don't shoot me!\nJimbo: What the Sam Hell?\nCartman: I was just trying to scare you guys, you can put the guns down now.\nNed: Mmm, so much for the cover of \"Guns & Ammo\".\nJimbo: Yepper, but I think we've learned some important lessons Ned I think that-\nScene Description: Boom! Lava begins to bubble out and flow.\nKyle: Whoa!\nNed: Mmm, holy crap.\nJimbo: The mountain! It's blown it's top!\nScene Description: A boulder of lava lands in front of Kenny.\nKyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nScene Description: Kenny steps out from behind the boulder.\nKenny: (Nope, I'm okay.)\nScene Description: Kenny sees his arm on fire.\nKenny: (It-aah. It hurts! IT HURTS!)\nScene Description: The boulder rolls onto Kenny.\nKenny: (Ugh.)\nScene Description: On the side of the mountain.\nTownsman 1: Look, the volcano.\nTownsman 2: Quick, duck and cover.\nScene Description: They do. The lava sweeps them down the mountainside, burning them to the bone.\nScene Description: At the base of the mountain, Jimbo and the others are moving quickly.\nKyle, Stan, Cartman: Aaaaah!\nJimbo: That lava's coming right for us!!\nScene Description: Behind them a river of lava charges down the mountain.\nScene Description: Looking on from the edge of town.\nChef: Oh no, look.\nScene Description: At the trench. Jimbo and the others have made it out of the mountain, but their way into town has been cut off.\nJimbo: What the hell is this trench doing here?!? We can't get across!\nNewscaster: It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava.\nMayor McDaniels: God, please deliver those darling kids from... Wait, wait wait wait. 3,2, and 1. God, please deliv-\nCartman: Help!\nScene Description: Scuzzlebutt appears and scratches his belly.\nJimbo: Jimminy Pope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!\nCartman: What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!\nKyle: Oh my God! Look at his leg!\nPatrick Duffy: Hi kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy.\nJimbo: Quick Ned, shoot it!\nScene Description: Ned aims, but no shot is heard.\nNed: Mmmoh no, out of ammo.\nScuzzlebutt: Grrrr.\nMayor McDaniels: What... is that thing?\nChef: That's Scuzzlebutt.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg, and weaves baskets.\nOfficer Barbrady: This isn't happening. Everyone look away please. Nothing to see here.\nJimbo: Well boys, I'm sorry I got you all killed.\nScene Description: Scuzzlebutt rips a tree from the ground, bites off a limb...\nKyle: Aaaaah!\nScene Description: ...and molds the tree into a-\nStan: Whoa, he built a wicker basket.\nJimbo: Hey, he's saving us.\nScene Description: Scuzzlebutt puts the group in the basket and lifts them over the trench.\nScuzzlebutt: Grrr.\nLiane: Scuzzlebutt saved the day.\nRandy: And my calculations worked: the lava is following the trench into the canyon.\nMayor McDaniels: Hmmm. Where exactly does the canyon go?\nRandy: Uhh...\nDenver citizens: Aaaaah.\nScene Description: South Park. The ordeal is over.\nMr. Garrison: South Park is saved.\nScene Description: Cheers go up.\nKyle: Hey look, Kenny's okay.\nScene Description: Kenny appears on a mound nearby.\nKenny: (Hey guys, what's goin' down?)\nNewscaster: And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature. I'm getting word that the chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity.\nChef: Mmmm Baby every time that we kiss, Hot Lava! Every time that we make love, hot lava, Hot Lava! Lava so hot it makes me sweat, Lava so warm and red and wet, Lava! Brrrrrrrrrrrr.\nNewscaster: Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?\nMayor McDaniels: Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature. Thank you Scuzzlebutt.\nScuzzlebutt: Friend.\nScene Description: Scuzzlebutt presents flowers to the Mayor.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, how sweet.\nScene Description: Stan shoots scuzzlebutt.\nStan: I did it, I did it, I finally killed something.\nScene Description: He smiles, proud of himself. Unfortunately, this took place during a live report.\nNewscaster: Oh my God! What has he done?\nMayor McDaniels: Turn off the cameras!\nStan: Hey, that was easy!\nPatrick Duffy: Noooo! Why God? Why?!\nJimbo: Damn it Stan, you shouldn't have done that!\nStan: What?! Why?!\nKyle: Yeah, make up your mind, dude!\nJimbo: Stan, some things you kill, and some things you don't. See?\nStan: No.\nNed: Moh, only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns. Mmm, I'll never use a gun again, mmm.\nScene Description: Drops his gun, which fires one last shot as it hits the snow. Kenny is hit.\nKenny: (Oh, no!)\nScene Description: Rats are hot on the trail.\nStan: But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny.\nJimbo: But Kenny's dead now, Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew. And you can't just kill anything. You understand?\nKyle: Dude, I don't understand hunting at all.\nStan: Yeah, [He drops his gun.] it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons.\nCartman: Yeah, cartoons kick ass! [All three leave.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Bus Stop.\nKyle: Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.\nScene Description: A dog walks up to the boys.\nStan: Hiya, Sparky.\nKyle: [Looking] Who's that?\nStan: That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.\nKyle: Wow! Cool!\nStan: Good boy, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?\nCartman: Eh. You're making me sick, dude.\nStan: He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.\nCartman: No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.\nSylvester: Arrrrrr.\nStan: He's not meaner than Sparky.\nCartman: Oh yeah? Let's see. Hey, Sylvester!\nScene Description: Sylvester comes over.\nStan: Sparky'll kick his ass.\nCartman: I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.\nKyle: You're on, dude!\nScene Description: Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl.\nStan: That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!\nScene Description: Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggressive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked.\nCartman: Huh. He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.\nStan: Sparky! Bad dog!\nKenny: (Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)\nStan: What?!\nCartman: Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.\nStan: What do you mean?\nCartman: That dog is a gay homosexual.\nScene Description: Stan looks back to study the situation, then...\nStan: He's just confused.\nKyle: I think the other dog's the one that's confused.\nKenny: (No, check his penis.)\nScene Description: Kyle smiles.\nStan: Sick, shut up dude!\nScene Description: Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away.\nCartman: Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.\nScene Description: The bus pulls up.\nScene Description: Football Field, sideline before school.\nChef: Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park.\nKyle: Who's Middle Park?\nCartman: What's homecoming?\nChef: But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [silence] Now, let's start practice.\nScene Description: Chef blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field.\nPip: Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?\nChef: Yes Pip, what is it?\nPip: Well, I still don't have a helmet.\nChef: I know, Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.\nPip: Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?\nChef: Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.\nPip: Oh.\nChef: Sorry son, now get your ass in there.\nScene Description: Out on the playing field.\nStan: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. Hut. Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.\nChef: [impatiently] Hike the damn ball!\nScene Description: Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.\nPip: Aaaaaaaargh!\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned arrive.\nJimbo: Hey, how's practice coming there, Chef?\nChef: [distracted] Huh? Oh, fine, fine.\nJimbo: I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park alumni.\nChef: Elementary school alumni?\nJimbo: That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?\nChef: I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?\nJimbo: Middle Park by 70 points.\nChef: Hmmm...\nScene Description: They look towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball.\nChef: I don't think we have a chance.\nJimbo: Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. [yells] Right Stanley?\nScene Description: Stan turns to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes.\nStan: Huh?\nScene Description: The ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle.\nJimbo: Atta boy!\nChef: Great pass, Stan.\nJimbo: Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie!\nScene Description: On sideline after practice.\nChef: Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.\nKyle: Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?\nStan: Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.\nClyde: Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.\nStan: Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- [sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down!\nClyde: Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?!\nCartman: There he goes again.\nStan: Get down, Sparky! Down!\nCartman: Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.\nClyde: Make him stop!\nScene Description: Rex moves away with his tail between his legs.\nRex: Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!\nScene Description: Fosse and Bill pass by laughing.\nFosse: I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.\nBill: Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.\nFosse: Gay dog.\nScene Description: The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom. Start of school.\nCartman: ...and so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.\nMr. Garrison: Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-.\nCartman: Ah, dammit!\nMr. Garrison: Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.\nStan: Um, I'm not really prepared either.\nMr. Garrison: Well, just make something up, like Eric did.\nStan: Okay, uh... Asian culture has... plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-\nMr. Garrison: Excellent. A-.\nCartman: Eeyy!\nStan: Wow, cool!\nCartman: Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A-?\nMr. Garrison: Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better because they're better people.\nCartman: That's not fair!\nMr. Hat: Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to it.\nCartman: Stupid puppet.\nScene Description: Dismissal bell rings.\nMr. Garrison: Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.\nScene Description: All students except Stan leave the room.\nStan: Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?\nMr. Garrison: Well of course Stanley, what is it?\nStan: What's a... homosexual?\nMr. Garrison: Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.\nScene Description: Stan sits.\nMr. Garrison: Stanley, gay people... Well. gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?\nStan: I guess.\nMr. Garrison: Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.\nScene Description: Bus stop. The boys get off the bus.\nCartman: You guys see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass.\nKyle: You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.\nCartman: Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.\nStan: Shut up, dude!\nScene Description: Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on.\nStan: Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?\nSparky: Bark, bark.\nCartman: Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen.\nStan: He just needs some training, that's all. Sit, Sparky.\nScene Description: Sparky sits.\nStan: Good boy, now shake.\nScene Description: Sparky shakes.\nStan: Good boy. Now, don't be gay.\nScene Description: Stan waits for the command to sink in.\nStan: Don't be gay, Spark. Don't be gay.\nScene Description: Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls.\nKyle: Did it work?\nStan: I don't know.\nCartman: He still looks pretty gay to me.\nBill: Huh, huh.\nFosse: Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?\nBill: Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. [they laugh] Stupid little gay dog.\nFosse: Gay dog.\nStan: Come on you guys, I have an idea.\nScene Description: Sports Book, Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well.\nJimbo: I want $500 on the South Park Cows.\nBookie: Are you crazy?\nJimbo: No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.\nGambler 1: I want to put all my money on the Cows.\nGambler 2: Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too if they guarantee it.\nGambler 3: Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.\nFemale Gambler 1: I got 500 on the Cows.\nFemale Gambler 2: Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.\nJimbo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now...\nGambler 4: You better be right about this, Jimbo.\nJimbo: Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.\nNed: Are you sure Stan is that good?\nJimbo: Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?\nBookie: You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.\nNed: I love that song.\nJimbo: 'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.\nScene Description: In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.\nStan: Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-\nScene Description: Stan notices a pink scarf on Sparky.\nStan: Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!\nScene Description: He grabs the scarf.\nStan: No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi.\nScene Description: The crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out.\nKyle: Ooh-la-la.\nScene Description: Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her.\nCartman: There he goes!\nStan: Atta boy, Spark! Get her!\nScene Description: Sparky climbs atop Fifi.\nStan: Yes!\nScene Description: Sparky pulls Fifi's collar off and into the air, catching it around his neck.\nStan: Ah crap! Now what do I do?\nKyle: Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.\nCartman: No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote the sodomies in France.\nKenny: (I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)\nStan: I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.\nKyle: Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.\nStan: Like who?\nScene Description: Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV.\nTV Announcer: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.\nJesus Christ: Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]\nRobert: Yeah, is, is this Jesus?\nJesus: Yes my son.\nRobert: This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.\nJesus: Of course Robert. How are things now?\nRobert: Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since- I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.\nJesus: Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]\nStan: Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.\nJesus: My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-\nScene Description: The station's logo pops up.\nTV Announcer: That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.\nStan: Damn it!\nKyle: What'd he say?\nStan: I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.\nCartman: Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!\nStan: Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?\nKyle: Come on dude, we have to get to practice.\nStan: No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!\nScene Description: Outside, Sparky overhears this.\nStan: I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!\nScene Description: Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone.\nScene Description: On the sideline at practice.\nChef: Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts.] Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.] Just like makin' sweet love to the football. Feelin' naughty with the football. Mmmm.\nKyle: Uh, Chef?\nChef: Spank it, ever so gently.\nKyle: Chef.\nChef: Spank it.\nKyle: Chef!\nChef: Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.\nPip: Uh, Mr. Chef sir?\nChef: No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.\nPip: Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?\nChef: That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?\nPip: No um, I guess not.\nScene Description: Carl's Bombs And Explosives and Accessories.\nJimbo: What we wanna do here, Carl, is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.\nCarl: What moment would that be?\nJimbo: Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.\nCarl: What high F?\nJimbo: You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah.\nCarl: Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?\nJimbo: No, dammit! The aaaaah!\nCarl: Aaaaahh?\nNed: Aaaaahh.\nJimbo: Aaaaahh!\nCarl: Aaaaahh.\nJimbo: Great.\nCarl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.\nNed: Doo-nn-doo-doo\nJimbo: You got it.\nCarl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...\nNed: Aaa - dooo...\nJimbo: Aaaaahh!\nCarl: Alright, yeah, okay...\nScene Description: On the sideline at practice.\nChef: What's the matter Stan, you seem down.\nStan: I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.\nChef: Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.\nScene Description: Coming up to see what's the matter.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.\nChef: Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.\nMr. Garrison: What do you mean?\nChef: Well, you're gay aren't you?\nMr. Garrison: What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.\nChef: Well, you sure do act like it.\nMr. Garrison: I just act that way to get chicks, dumbass.\nScene Description: Chef looks puzzled, wondering.\nScene Description: On the field.\nScene Description: Kyle runs up from behind.\nKyle: What's the matter dude?\nStan: I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.\nCartman: Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him] Ow!\nScene Description: Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking through the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.\nBig Gay Al: Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.\nScene Description: Sparky looks at him.\nBig Gay Al: Have you been outcast?\nScene Description: Sparky pants an affirmative.\nBig Gay Al: Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?\nScene Description: Sparky pants an affirmative.\nBig Gay Al: Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.\nScene Description: Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up.\nStan: Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.\nKyle: Wow, it's been like two days.\nStan: I think he might've run away.\nCartman: Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow!\nKyle: We'll help you look for him after the game, Stan.\nStan: I'm not playing.\nKyle: You what?!\nStan: I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. [leaves]\nScene Description: Middle Park Elementary School.\nJimbo: [whispering] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.\nNed: [louder] Okay.\nScene Description: They climb over the fence and approach the Middle Park mascot, a horse.\nJimbo: Hello there, Enrique.\nNed: What are we doing here?\nJimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnap Middle Park's mascot. But this year, we're gonna booby-trap it instead.\nScene Description: Jimbo puts the bomb on Enrique's back.\nJimbo: And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in \"Loving You\", Boom!\nScene Description: Enrique gets wide-eyed.\nJimbo: No more Middle Park players.\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned laugh, and Enrique starts to tremble.\nJimbo: God damn, I love football!\nScene Description: Stan is in the stormy mountains.\nStan: Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary.\nScene Description: The Middle Park Cowboys exit the bus.\nCowboys: Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!\nScene Description: South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.\nFrank Hammond: Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.\nScene Description: Pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines.\nFrank: Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach, looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.\nChef: [between his teeth] Oohh, come on, Stan...\nPip: Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?\nChef: No Pip, I'm sorry!\nScene Description: Stormy mountains.\nStan: Sparky! Sparky!\nScene Description: South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin.\nReferee: Play ball.\nChef: You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.\nKyle: But I never practiced quarterback.\nChef: Well it's a little late for that bullcrap now.\nFrank: Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslovski.\nMr. Garrison: Hey hey, where is little Stanley?\nMr. Hat: Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?\nJimbo: Ned, look!\nScene Description: Middle Park's mascot, Enrique, is shown.\nJimbo: They've got Enrique on their sidelines, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.\nNed: Yay.\nScene Description: Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.\nBig Gay Al: Hi little fella, how are you doing today?\nStan: Fine, how are you?\nBig Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking.\nStan: My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here.\nBig Gay Al: Well, let's see. Come on in. [they enter]\nStan: Do you have lots of gay dogs here?\nBig Gay Al: We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.\nGay Lion: Rooaar.\nBig Gay Al: And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!\nStan: Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.\nBig Gay Al: Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Do you like to dance?\nScene Description: They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail.\nVocalist: Oww, we can both be gay!\nScene Description: In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss.\nKyle: Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something. Ready?!\nHuddle: Break!\nScene Description: At the line of scrimmage.\nCowboy 1: You guys are toast.\nCowboy 2: Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.\nCartman: We'll just see about that.\nKyle: Set, set.\nScene Description: Cartman farts long and nasty right into Kyle's face. Kyle quickly retreats.\nKyle: Damn it Cartman!\nChef: What's the matter?\nKyle: Cartman farted!\nCartman: No I didn't. That was just my shoes.\nChef: Come on Kyle. We'll get a delay of game penalty.\nKyle: No way dude!\nChef: Hike! The! Ball!\nScene Description: Kyle is back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.\nKyle: Ah, dude, weak.\nCartman: That's right, you get back there.\nKyle: Hike!\nFrank: Ball snatched! Middle Park blitzes!\nScene Description: Screaming as Kyle is tackled.\nFrank: Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.\nJimbo: Hell's bells.\nFrank: Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.\nScene Description: Phil quickly covers the mic.\nPhil: Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.\nFrank: Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.\nTownsman 1: We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.\nJimbo: Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, heheh.\nScene Description: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Dance Floor.\nVocalist: ...both be gay.\nScene Description: Stan is dancing with a monkey, then sees Sparky.\nStan: Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?\nSparky: Ruff.\nStan: I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.\nSparky: Barr.\nStan: Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.\nScene Description: Sparky follows Stan.\nStan: We can work on making you not gay together.\nScene Description: Sparky stops and sits.\nStan: Sparky?\nBig Gay Al: Young man, it appears you still don't understand.\nStan: What don't I understand?\nBig Gay Al: Come this way, I have to show you something.\nScene Description: South Park Football Field, second quarter.\nFrank: With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.\nKyle: Hut, hut.\nScene Description: Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball.\nFrank: Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.\nScene Description: Phil muffles Frank.\nPhil: Dude! Now that is not cool.\nFrank: Sorry, sorry.\nScene Description: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.\nBig Gay Al: Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.\nScene Description: Stan looks at the boat.\nBig Gay Al: Step aboard, Stanley.\nScene Description: He and Sparky step aboard the boat.\nBig Gay Al: Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.\nScene Description: South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show.\nFrank: And the South Park Cows are set to receive...\nScene Description: The Cowboys kick off.\nFrank: There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.\nScene Description: Kenny weaves through the special teams.\nFrank: He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.\nCowboys: Hold him, hold him!\nScene Description: Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms.\nCowboys: Hold him, hold him!\nCowboy: Yaaah!\nScene Description: A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.\nFrank: The little running back is down. I think he's...\nScene Description: Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.\nFrank: Yes, he's been decapitated.\nKyle: [gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!\nPhil: Hah, that's gotta hurt, Frank.\nFrank: Ouch-a-roo!\nChef: Hey, come on! That was roughing! At least let us scrape him off the field!\nFrank: Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread, not by a long shot.\nScene Description: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.\nScene Description: The boat-ride begins the passage through several animatronic scenes.\nBig Gay Al: You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.\nScene Description: The tips of the Japanese soldiers' swords touch.\nBig Gay Al: Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!\nScene Description: Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his pistol.\nBig Gay Al: Whoa! Oh gosh, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.\nScene Description: Doors open to reveal a scene reminiscent of 'It's a Small World'.\nBoat Ride Singers: We're all gay, and it's okay, 'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's okay, hey, to be gay!\nBig Gay Al: Sooo, what do you think, Stan?\nScene Description: Still singing. ...It's okay to be gay...\nStan: This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn't understand.\nScene Description: Still singing. It's okay to be gay. Shalala waylaylay shalala waylaylay. It's okay to be gay.\nBig Gay Al: [to himself] Isn't this precious?\nScene Description: South Park Football Field. Halftime.\nFrank: And now, here to sing the touching song Loving You, is the one and only, John Stamo-...s' brother...\nAudience Member: Alright Richard!\nScene Description: Music starts up.\nRichard Stamos: Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful, -doo-n-doo-doo-doooo- Aaaaah!\nScene Description: His voice cracks and the music stops.\nRichard: Aaaaah!\nJimbo: What the hell?!\nRichard: Aaaaah!\nScene Description: His voice wavers.\nJimbo: He didn't sing the high F!\nMr. Garrison: Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.\nJimbo: Ned... We're gonna to get our asses kicked.\nRichard: Lalalalala lalalalala lalalalala lala la la lala...\nMr. Garrison: [heckling] It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!\nScene Description: Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.\nStan: Thanks for everything, Big Gay Al!\nSparky: Ruff!\nBig Gay Al: No problem, kids! Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?\nStan: No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!\nScene Description: They start to walk off.\nBig Gay Al: Oh Stan?\nScene Description: They stop.\nBig Gay Al: When you get back to town, [earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.\nStan: I will Big Gay Al, I will.\nScene Description: They depart.\nScene Description: Bell dings.\nBig Gay Al: Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside]\nScene Description: South Park Football Field, fourth quarter.\nKyle: Hike!\nFrank: And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...\nMr. Garrison: I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing, Jimbo.\nMr. Hat: Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.\nTownsman: You're a dead man, Jimbo!\nScene Description: A hail of food products is thrown at Jimbo.\nFrank: Well, this should just about wrap it up for-\nScene Description: Stan and Sparky come onto the field.\nFrank: Wait a minute, what's this?\nJimbo: Yeah! Yohooooh!\nFrank: It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!\nChef: Where the hell have you been Stan?!\nStan: I've been getting my best friend back.\nChef: Just get in there boy!\nJimbo: Give 'em hell, Stanley!\nScene Description: Stan takes his place on the field as Jimbo looks to the heavens, and prays aloud to himself.\nJimbo: Jesus? Now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?\nScene Description: In the first row of the stands.\nJesus: Leave me alone.\nStan: Hike!\nFrank: Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.\nKyle: Hey Stan! Ah, I'm open, I think!\nStan: Mph!\nScene Description: Stan throws the ball.\nFrank: And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid!\nKyle: Oof.\nScene Description: Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.\nFrank: Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!\nScene Description: Frank recoils.\nPhil: Dude!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers as Kyle scores.\nFrank: Touchdown!\nJimbo: Yeah! Wooo!\nFrank: The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!\nScene Description: Frank swats his mic away.\nJimbo: Yeah! Woohoo!\nScene Description: Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard.\nTownsman: Speech!\nFrank: Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?\nStan: Uh... It- it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.\nCrowd: Yeah, alright!\nStan: And maybe... we can beat 'em even more next year!\nCrowd: Wooooh!\nStan: And it's okay to be gay!\nScene Description: The crowd falls silent.\nJimbo: What?!\nStan: Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is he talking about?\nFrank: Uh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?\nStan: I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.\nScene Description: The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief.\nStan: It's true, I'll show you.\nScene Description: At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There is nothing to be seen.\nStan: But it was here. It was all right here. There- there was a techno dance club...\nCartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.\nScene Description: The missing animals suddenly appear.\nTownswoman: Oliver! I thought you ran away all those months ago!\nTownsperson 1: Sidney!\nTownsperson 2: Willy!\nTownsperson 3: Carlos!\nScene Description: Big Gay Al is suddenly at Stan's side.\nBig Gay Al: I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.\nStan: Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?\nBig Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.\nScene Description: He pops his suitcase open and climbs into it.\nBig Gay Al: Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you.\nScene Description: He presses a button, and the suitcase closes.\nStan: Wow!\nScene Description: The suitcase flies off.\nRichard: You guys, you guys! I can do it.\nMr. Garrison: Do what?\nRichard: Loving you, Is easy cause you're beautiful, Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo\nJimbo: No!\nRichard: Aaah!\nEnrique: Mroo-\nScene Description: BOOM!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Bus Stop.\nCartman: Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?\nStan: Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.\nCartman: Your sister beat you up again, huh?\nStan: No!\nCartman: Eheh, you know, heh, your sister kicked your ass.\nStan: She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.\nKyle: Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.\nCartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, \"hey, you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!\"\nStan: My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!\nCartman: Be a man Stan. Just say, \"Hey woman, ye-you shut your mouth and make babies.\"\nStan: Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?\nScene Description: The camera pulls back to get the elephant in the picture.\nKyle: You mean this one?\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: He's my new pet elephant.\nStan: Whoa dude! Where'd you get a pet elephant?\nKyle: I got it mail ordered from Africa. The ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, but it only took three.\nStan: Wow, that's cool!\nKyle: No it's not cool! My mom won't let me keep him in the house. She says he's too big, and that his poop is bigger than our couch.\nCartman: That's why my mom got me a pot-bellied pig. Cause its poop is small.\nKenny: (Hey you guys, I talked to Garrison and he told me that they're almost the same.)\nStan: Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart, like elephants.\nScene Description: Ms. Crabtree's bus arrives.\nMs. Crabtree: Hey. Wait a minute. What is that thing?\nKyle: Uh, oh, this, this is, the new retarded kid.\nMs. Crabtree: Oh-I'm sorry little girl. But you still can't get on. You have to take the special ed bus.\nScene Description: Shot of retarded kid bus. Retarded noises of protest are heard.\nKyle: Boy, it looks like you're not welcome anywhere elephant. See ya.\nScene Description: He enters the bus with Stan and Kenny.\nCartman: [Entering.] If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, \"Hey, you go do my laundry and-\"\nMs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN KID!!!\nCartman: [Stung.] Yes ma'am.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom.\nMr. Garrison: And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about genetic engineering.\nMr. Hat: That's right Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering is an exciting new science. You can splice the DNA from some animals, and make them better.\nKyle: Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Yes Kyle.\nKyle: With genetic engineering, can you make an elephant smaller?\nMr. Garrison: Well, uh, ye, yes, I suppose you could. You could, splice elephant genes with a dog, or cat, or a, pot-bellied pig genes.\nKyle: That's it. I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make...pot-bellied elephants.\nScene Description: The class gasps.\nKyle: They'd be smart like elephants, but small like pigs.\nStan: That'd be cool!\nBebe: I want a pot-bellied elephant.\nPip: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.\nTerrance Mephesto: That's stupid.\nKyle: Shut up Terrance, we can geneti-cal engineer anything we want.\nTerrance: Oh yeah, I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before you crossbreed and elephant and a pig.\nKyle: I'll bet you can't.\nTerrance: Watch me plebeian.\nMr. Garrison: Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie. Isn't this exciting, two A+ students in a cloning war.\nMr. Hat: Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes, like German people.\nMr. Garrison: You know, you boys might want to visit the Genetic Engineering Ranch outside of town for some help. And you could both use this for your science fair projects next month.\nScene Description: The bell rings. Most of the class leaves, but the boys stay behind.\nKyle: Genetic Engineering Ranch! Sweet!\nStan: Wait, wait. We still need a pig.\nKyle: We can use Cartman's pig.\nCartman: Ehh, you leave Fluffy out of this!\nKyle: We're not gonna hurt her, we just need some of her blood.\nCartman: You're not using any of Fluffy's blood, or else I'll kick you in the nuts. Kyle, Kyle no!\nScene Description: The boys leave.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison steps forward to stop Stan.\nMr. Garrison: Uh, uhuh, Stanley, can I talk to you for a minute?\nStan: Okay.\nMr. Garrison: I couldn't help but notice that black eye you have. Are there problems at home?\nStan: [Despondantly.] Yes...\nMr. Garrison: Oh dear. Here Stanley, sit down, have some cocoa, and tell your friend Mr. Hat all about it.\nScene Description: Stan sits down.\nMr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you, is it your father, or your mother?\nStan: Oh, neither. It's my sister.\nMr. Garrison: [Indignantly.] Your sister?! Oh for Pete's sake, don't be such a little wuss. Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy little foo-foo problems, and, give me back my cocoa!\nScene Description: Stan's house. A TV is heard.\nJesus: Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions...\nScene Description: Shelly turns to see Stan coming out of the sofa's shadow.\nShelly Marsh: Hey!\nRobert: Yeah, is this Jesus?\nJesus: Yes, my son.\nStan: Hi Shelly.\nShelly: Are you looking at my headgear?\nStan: Headgear? What headgear?\nShelly: Are you looking at my headgear?\nStan: Oh, uh gosh uh, I didn't really notice.\nScene Description: Shelly gets up and glowers at him.\nShelly: You little liar.\nScene Description: She starts advancing, and Stan starts retreating.\nStan: No, I think it looks terrific. It matches your AAAAAH!\nScene Description: Stan turns to run, but she has his arm, she proceeds to beat the living hell out of him. She tosses him down the stairs into the basement, then approaches the doorway. He climbs out, but she flips him back towards the living room, then goes for the TV and drops it on his head. After the TV shorts out, he removes it, but she throws him like a basketball out the window, where his friends are waiting.\nKyle: Ready to go Stan?\nStan: Go where?\nKyle: To the Genetical Engineering Ranch.\nKyle: We got Cartman's pig so we can splice its genes with my elephant's.\nCartman: Nobody's splicin' nothing from Fluffy!\nScene Description: From the broken window.\nShelly: I swear I'm gonna kill you Stan!\nKyle: Why's your sister so mean to you dude?\nCartman: Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, \"Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!\"\nScene Description: She appears at the broken window.\nShelly: Who said that?\nScene Description: All stay quiet. Cartman points to Kenny.\nScene Description: South Park Engineering Ranch, night. The boys approach the entrance.\nKyle: This must be it.\nScene Description: Lightning strikes the ranch.\nCartman: [A bit wary.] Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess we should come back some other time.\nKyle: No, Cartman, we're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together.\nCartman: It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you.\nKyle: It's just a stupid pig.\nStan: Yeah, quit being such a baby.\nCartman: Baby?! Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!\nStan: At least I'm not a little pig-fucker!\nCartman: Hey! I'm taking my pig and...Screw you guys! I'm going home! This whole idea's stupid anyway.\nKyle: What the hell would you know you fat sweaty mongoloid, you never get higher than a 'D'!\nCartman: Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!\nKyle: There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!\nCartman: I'll kick you in the nuts!\nDr. Alphonse Mephesto: Can I help you?\nScene Description: The boys all gasp, and Kenny pulls his hood closed.\nKenny: Mmmmmm!\nKyle: Uh... yeah... we want to crossbreed an elephant with a pig.\nMephesto: Brilliant idea, huge elephant-sized pigs.\nKyle: No, no, no. We want to make little pot-bellied elephants that people can keep in their houses as pets.\nMephesto: Ohh, that's an even better idea. Come on in.\nScene Description: Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch.\nMephesto: I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering.\nCartman: Eh, it's okay Fluffy, nobody's going to hurt you.\nMephesto: It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war. I have created things that will change the world for the better. For instance, here is a monkey with four asses.\nMonkey: Mhhh.\nKyle: How does that make the world better?\nMephesto: And here, of course, is my four assed ostrich. And my four assed mongoose.\nStan: Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses?\nMephesto: Oh, uh, I suppose so uh. Oh yes, over here. Here I have rats splice with ducks, and gorillas spliced with mosquitos, and here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunnyfish.\nCartman: Heyyy, these bunny ears are tied on with little strings.\nMephesto: And over here, Swiss cheese spliced with chalk, and a beard.\nKyle: Well, what about our pot-bellied elephant?\nMephesto: Oh. Well I'm sorry children, but, pig and elephant DNA just won't splice. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?\nKyle: Which song is that?\nMephesto: Diindoon - pig and elephant DNA just won't splice! Although, maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours.\nCartman: You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!\nMephesto: You know, it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days.\nScene Description: Mephesto pricks Stan with the syringe.\nStan: Ow!\nMephesto: Hmm? What? Oh, excuse me.\nKyle: Wait, what are you taking Stan's blood for?\nMephesto: Oh, pardon me, I tripped. Could I have some hair please?\nKyle: Watch out Stan! Genetic engineers are crazy.\nScene Description: The boys quickly move away.\nCartman: Come on Fluffy!\nScene Description: Fluffy Squeals.\nScene Description: Inside the Cafeteria.\nJewish Kid: This fish is just hurting my anus.\nJason: Naw, it's pretty fresh.\nCartman: UUuuhh. I sure am hungry.\nPip: 'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today?\nScene Description: Silence. The boys stare back.\nPip: Lunchy munchies, hmmm?\nCartman: Go away, Pip! Nobody likes you!\nStan: Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?!\nPip: Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name being Phillip, my infant tongue...\nCartman: God Damnit, would you shut the hell up?! Nobody gives a rat's ass.\nStan: Yeah! Go away, Pip!\nPip: Righto.\nScene Description: Pip walks off.\nCartman: Gah, French people piss me off.\nScene Description: Terrance, Bill, & Fosse Approach.\nTerrance: Hey dumb-asses. You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?\nKyle: No! We're already halfway done.\nTerrance: Halfway? Then all you've got is a stupid pig.\nBill: Yeah, it's probably a gay pig too.\nFosse: Stupid gay pig.\nKyle: It's more than you've got!\nTerrance: Wroong. We've already got our human clone well under way.\nScene Description: One of the bullies opens a bag and drops it. A foot pops out.\nKyle: Oh my God! They cloned a foot.\nScene Description: The foot kicks Cartman in the face.\nCartman: Ugh!... Hey! I'll kick your ass!\nScene Description: Cartman kicks it away, and it lands in Pip's lunch tray and bounces away.\nPip: Eho!\nTerrance: By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being. Good luck with your stupid little pig.\nScene Description: In the kitchen\nChef: Hello there children.\nKyle: Hey Chef.\nChef: How you doin'?\nBoys: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nKyle: We need to genetically engineer our pig and an elephant, but their genes won't splice.\nChef: Ahhhh, of course they won't splice children. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?\nChef: Dooodnnndoodnn - A pig and an elephant DNA just won't... A pig-elephant. Say, now that's not a bad idea.\nKyle: I told you guys.\nChef: Imagine, a pint sized elephant that you could keep in the house. Children, we could make a fortune with this.\nKyle: You hear that dudes? We'll be rich!\nChef: Forget about all that genetic engineering whoosafudge. If you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweeet love.\nCartman: Whaaat?!\nStan: I don't think an elephant would make love to a pig.\nCartman: I don't think my pig would want to make love to that stupid elephant.\nChef: Sure they would. But you're gonna have to get 'em in the mood.\nStan: So how do we do that?\nChef: Do what I do, get 'em goood and drunk.\nScene Description: Boys get off the bus later that day.\nStan: Hey uh, you guys want to come over to my house?\nKyle: We've got work to do Stan, I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk.\nStan: Really, you, you guys don't want to come over for just a little bit?\nCartman: Why? Is your sister gonna kick your ass again?\nStan: Shut up Cartman!\nKenny: (Or are you gonna hit her with your hand?)\nKyle: Yeah Stan, she's just a girl.\nCartman: Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, \"hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!\"\nScene Description: Astonished looks from the other guys.\nStan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!\nCartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.\nKyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, \"Shelly, you're my sister, and I love you.\"\nKenny: (\"And I want to see you handling your breasts.\")\nStan: Sick dude, she's my sister.\nKyle: Try it. We'll see you in a while, we got to go get Cartman's pig.\nCartman: No, you don't gotta get Cartman's pig! You leave Fluffy out of this!\nKyle: Come on Kenny.\nCartman: Kyle no, seriously. No fuckin' elephant is going to make love to my Fluffy, I... Kyle, I will kick you in the nnnnuts.\nStan: Crap.\nScene Description: Stan's house. Stan sneaks through the front door.\nTV Voice: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access...\nShelly: Are you staring at my neck-brace?\nStan: No, I mean, yes, I mean, what neck-brace?\nScene Description: She jumps off the sofa and grabs him by the throat.\nStan: Shelly, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that... that you're my sister, and I love you.\nScene Description: Shelly smiles, Stan smiles, it looks like she's gonna let him go... yeah, right! She throws him off to a clear space on the floor, where he lies defeated.\nStan: No. Ahh! Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me.\nShelly: You'll never be bigger than me Stan. Never!\nScene Description: Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch.\nScene Description: Mephesto is marveling at his creation.\nMephesto: Beautiful, it's absolutely beautiful. My son, I think we've finally done it.\nScene Description: A fetal version of Stan is seen in the incubator.\nTerrance: Yes, we have dad. My very own human clone.\nBill: Hopefully not a gay clone.\nFosse: Yeah, that was stupid.\nBill: Stupid.\nFosse: That was stupid.\nScene Description: Out in the hills somewhere, Kyle is pumping a keg that the elephant is drinking from.\nKyle: Come on elephant, keep drinking.\nStan: Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to be to make sweet love to the pig.\nScene Description: Fluffy is drinking from a trough labeled \"Beer\".\nKyle: Dammit! This is never gonna work.\nScene Description: Chef comes into view.\nChef: Hello children. I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going.\nKyle: Rotten, they're both really drunk, but the won't have sex.\nChef: Ohh, children, you just can't stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood.\nScene Description: He moves over to a boombox with a mic attached.\nChef: Let me show you boys what I'm talking about. Tonight is a-right for love, you know I - want tuh touch you where the lights don't go. Tonight is a-right for love, love gravy. Expressing love so sweet. I want tuh - keep you burnin' like a dog in heat. Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay.\nScene Description: The elephant and pig approach each other. Fluffy smiles at the elephant, then turns around in order to receive him.\nChef: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!\nScene Description: Enter Elton John. Intermingled shots of Fluffy and elephant getting interested.\nElton John: Oooo tonight Oooo it's all right Oooo tonight is right for love, love gravy.\nScene Description: The boys applaud\nChef: Thank you Elton.\nScene Description: slowing the tempo. Houses all over the hill show couples embracing.\nChef: Tonight is right for love, love graaavaaaaaay.\nScene Description: Elephant is about to mount Fluffy.\nKyle: Hey look! It's working.\nChef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.\nScene Description: Squish. Squeals follow.\nKyle: Aah!\nStan: Sick!\nCartman: Fluffy!\nChef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.\nScene Description: Squealing continues.\nScene Description: Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. A big mutant version of Stan is in the incubator, with a very long left arm.\nMephesto: How luscious. Our creature has come to fruition, boys.\nTerrance: Dad, you're the best.\nMephesto: Oh my God! He only has one ass. He's of no use to me, I'll have to burn the room.\nScene Description: Clone Stan breaks out of the incubator.\nMephesto: Oh no, this entire experiment is turning out very bad.\nClone Stan: Me bad??\nScene Description: Clone Stan throws four-assed frog against wall, killing it.\nMephesto: Eeegads, he's out of control. We'll have to destroy him.\nTerrance: But he's our science fair project!\nClone Stan: Uhhh, me baad, aba-ba-chewy-chomp.\nMephesto: He's too dangerous son.\nTerrance: But dad! I want a human clone.\nMephesto: Son, no.\nScene Description: Clone Stan jumps through window, then tears down the ranch gate entrance.\nMephesto: Oh son, you've made a horrible mistake. You've put all the people of South Park in jeopardy.\nTerrance: They're all stupid anyway. Come on guys, let's go.\nBill: Yeahh, they're all gay.\nScene Description: Back on the Hill. Shot of Fluffy and elephant sleeping together.\nKyle: Aren't they ever gonna wake up?\nChef: Oh, they will. It's gonna be one uuuugly sight.\nKyle: I thought you said the wonder of Mother Nature was a beautiful thing.\nStan: Yeah, when does Mother Nature go from beautiful to ugly?\nChef: Usually about 9:30 in the morning, children.\nScene Description: The elephant begins to wake up.\nChef: Uh oh, here we go.\nScene Description: Elephant looks down at Fluffy with surprise and bellows.\nChef: Yeahhh, there's nothing worse than getting all drunk and waking up the next morning next to a pig.\nScene Description: Fluffy looks up at elephant, begins crying.\nChef: Or a big fat elephant.\nKyle: Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?\nChef: Well boys, we might not know that for a couple of days.\nKyle: Couple of days? But Terrance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow.\nCartman: Well, good job Einstein, why don't we just build a rocket in the meantime?\nScene Description: Kyle punches Cartman.\nCartman: Hey!\nScene Description: Mephesto approaches.\nMephesto: Oh thank Buddha I found you boys. You must tell me, have you seen anything odd lately?\nStan: Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with a pig.\nMephesto: No, no, I said odd.\nChef: Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill.\nMephesto: Sir, if making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy... then... uhhhhh... hmmm... oh, nevermind. I'm afraid there's been a bit of an incident at the ranch. You see, I've created a large mutant clone of that little boy there, and he's broken free.\nKenny: (A big mutant Stan?!)\nStan: A big mutant version of me?\nKyle: Is he bigger than a regular clone?\nMephesto: He's terribly dangerous. His brain is identical to yours. I need you to help me find him.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. Clone Stan is wreaking havoc on the town. People are running in fear. Clone Stan has a car in one hand, he's destroying it. A woman screams. Clone Stan tosses car aside effortlessly.\nClone Stan: Ah chewy-chewy-chomp.\nWoman: Oh my Gooodd!\nMr. Garrison: Stan, are you wearing a different hat?\nClone Stan: Uhhhyahhuhhh.\nScene Description: picks up Mr. Garrison and begins beating him against the ground\nMr. Garrison: Hey, I know a certain young man who's itching for a detention.\nScene Description: Clone Stan throws Mr. Garrison aside.\nMr. Garrison: Aaaaaah!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison flies through Jimbo's Guns window.\nMr. Garrison: Ooooh.\nScene Description: Boys in Downtown South Park.\nKyle: How big do you think he is?\nStan: I bet he weighs four hundred pounds.\nKyle: Come on Stan, don't you even know where you would go?\nKenny: (Look at that! What's he doin'?)\nStan: Oh my God!\nTownsman: Aaaah!\nScene Description: Clone Stan is running by with two people in his arms.\nScene Description: Newscaster on TV.\nTom: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually eight-year old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking so much havoc on his home town, the little boy replies simply, \"Me Stan, ba-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp. Back to you in the studio.\nTV Newscaster: Thanks Tom, police are requesting that if you see this little eight-year old boy you immediately kill him and burn his body. That's all for now.\nTV Voice: Now back to Jesus and Pals.\nJesus: - Yea, the way is paved with gold for ye who seek truth and-\nScene Description: Clone Stan breaks through wall on set of show.\nClone Stan: Ba-ba-chomp-betchaba-chewy-chewy-chomp-aaah.\nJesus: Jesus!\nClone Stan: its-to-the-left-mayoueyea.\nScene Description: On the streets of South Park. Officer Barbrady is directing traffic.\nStan: Officer Barbrady, my evil genetic clone is destroying the town. We have to find him.\nOfficer Barbrady: You boys have been watching the \"X-Files\" too much, there's no such thing as genetic clone -\nClone Stan: Ahhhh.\nScene Description: Clone Stan grabs Officer Barbrady and throws him into nearby pond.\nOfficer Barbrady: Whoa! [From under the surface.] Listen, uh, you kids go on home, there's nothing to see here.\nKyle: Come on, let's go!\nScene Description: Stan's Uncle Jimbo approaches.\nJimbo: There you are! Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop, you better have a good explanation for this mister!\nStan: It wasn't me Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison walks up looking like hell.\nMr. Garrison: Stanley, what the hell has gotten in to you?! You have got severe lunchroom duty mister!\nJimbo: I'm gonna go have a word with your father Stanley.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, you wait 'til your father hears about this.\nKyle: Wait, Stan, there he goes.\nStan: Stop!\nClone Stan: Ahhh, ba-ba-chomp?\nKyle: He recognizes you dude.\nStan: That's good, that's good dude. Just calm down.\nScene Description: Clone Stan is now seated in the road.\nClone Stan: Ba-chomp, eh mee ahh jaran.\nKyle: What should we do with him?\nScene Description: Stan looks at Clone Stan, then smiles mischievously.\nStan: Stan, how would you like to go home and meet your sister?\nClone Stan: Ahhhh, yeahhh.\nScene Description: Outside Stan's house. The boys and Clone Stan approach the front door. Sparky can be seen off to the side.\nStan: ...So remember, Shelly's the one with the big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back. When you see Shelly, kick her ass. Shelly bad, Shelly very bad.\nClone Stan: Me bad??\nStan: No! Shelly bad, you good.\nScene Description: Clone Stan proceeds to destroy the house.\nStan: He's tearing up the house, stop him!\nScene Description: Clone Stan is hitting a chair against the ground. Kenny runs towards Clone Stan, who uses the chair to chuck him into the microwave in the kitchen. The microwave starts up, cooking Kenny.\nStan: Come on Kyle, Cartman.\nScene Description: The boys run at Clone Stan, and he knocks each one aside.\nClone Stan: Ah.\nShelly: What the hell do you want?\nClone Stan: Chewy-chewy-chomp.\nScene Description: Shelly head butts him onto the ground.\nClone Stan: Ahhh. Uhhh.\nScene Description: Mephesto rushes in followed shortly by Terrance with Bill & Fosse.\nMephesto: Boys! Boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything.\nTerrance: Hey, they've got our clone. He belongs to us.\nMephesto: No son, this beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere. Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such - inconvenience. I tried to play God, and I failed.\nScene Description: Mephesto shoots Clone Stan through the head.\nTerrance: Daddy! Nooooo!\nMephesto: All I ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful, but I failed. Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations. Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one assed schematics.\nTerrance: You cheating bastards. This isn't over, just wait until tomorrow.\nScene Description: Kyle just now noticed something.\nKyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!\nScene Description: Stan sees his parents drive up.\nStan: Mom and dad are home. My house is a disaster, you guy- you guys have got to help me.\nCartman: I ain't helpin' crap! I want to eat some paeh.\nStan: You can't just leave me here alone.\nCartman: Oh yeah, watch me. [Zips away.]\nKyle: Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. See ya. [Leaves.]\nStan: Thanks a lot.\nShelly: Ohh boy, you are gonna get it now.\nScene Description: Jimbo and Mr. Garrison are shown outside, talking to Stan's parents.\nStan: It isn't fair! Everybody hates me! The whole town wants me killed! Mom and dad are gonna send me away! I don't want to be sent away! I want to stay here! Eehhhehehe!\nScene Description: Randy and Sharon enter.\nRandy: Stanley, what, what in God's name have you been doing?\nSharon Marsh: Everybody in town is upset with you young man. What's going on? Are you on drugs?\nShelly: It's not Stan's fault.\nRandy: Huh?\nShelly: It wasn't Stan, he was... he was with me the whole time.\nRandy: Oh, well Stan, we're uh, we're sorry we jumped to conclusions.\nSharon: Oh honey, please forgive us son.\nStan: Shelly, you, you saved my life. And yet, you've done so much more than that. Today you've taught me the meaning of family. Sure, families don't always get along, but when the forces of evil descend upon us, we conquer them, by sticking together.\nScene Description: Shelly begins beating the crap out of Stan.\nStan: Uh, ahh, oooh.\nScene Description: rats drag away Kenny's charred corpse as Shelly takes a lawnmower to Stan's face.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Class. The science projects are due.\nMr. Garrison: Everyone, let's give K. C. and his weed a big hand.\nScene Description: Only Clyde claps.\nMr. Garrison: Okay Kyle, we're ready to see your science project.\nKyle: Well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should anytime now.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, well then I guess you get an 'F'. Okay, Terrance, I know the class can hardly wait to see your science fair project.\nTerrance: Thank you Mr. Garrison. Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students, for our science fair project Bill, Fosse, and I have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man. I present to you, the five-assed monkey.\nScene Description: Shot of Monkey with five asses.\nMonkey: Ahhheh.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful.\nScene Description: More students clap.\nStan: Wait, wait, the pig just gave birth. It, it had a baby!\nKid 1: It had a baby?\nKid 2: Oh wow!\nClyde: What's it look like?\nKyle: Does it look like a pig, or an elephant?\nCartman: Hey, it kind of looks like Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Ohh, uh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence? Hmm, what are the odds of that?\nHat: Hmmm. You boys get first prize.\nCartman: That'll do pig."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's House.\nMarsh Family: Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear grandpa...\nMarvin \"Grandpa\" Marsh: Uhhhhh.\nMarsh Family: ...Happy birthday to you.\nSharon: Now blow out the candles grandpa.\nScene Description: Grandpa blows, but nothing comes out but a low moan.\nSharon: Hurray!!!\nRandy: How's it feel to be 102, paps?\nGrandpa: Shoot me.\nSharon: Make a wish grandpa.\nGrandpa: I wish I were dead\nRandy: Ha, ha, ha, that's our silly grandpa.\nGrandpa: I'm not being silly! Kill me. I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old.\nSharon: Ooh, who wants ice cream with their cake?\nShelly: I will.\nRandy: Me.\nStan: It's eight o'clock, my favorite TV show is on.\nShelly: That show's for babies, it's so stupid.\nStan: Can I eat my cake in the living room mom? Please, can I?\nSharon: Oh, alright, but take your grandpa with you.\nStan: Aw, dammit!\nSharon: Language.\nScene Description: In front of the TV. Stan has his slice of cake with him.\nTV Announcer: And now back to Terrance & Phillip.\nPhillip: Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart.\nTerrance: Wait, before you do, pull my thumb.\nScene Description: Phillip pulls, and Terrance lets loose with a juicy fart. They both laugh.\nStan: Heheheh hehehe...\nGrandpa: Uhhhhh\nScene Description: Grandpa lines a shotgun up to his face, but it leaves a big hole in the picture behind him when he shoots.\nGrandpa: Ah, dammit!\nScene Description: Stan looks at him.\nGranpa: How would you like to make a dollar Billy?\nStan: My name's not Billy, grandpa. It's Stan.\nGrandpa: Dammit Billy, do you want a dollar or don't ya?\nStan: Sure.\nGrandpa: Ok. You just have to do one thing for me.\nStan: I'm not gonna kill you, grandpa.\nGrandpa: Why not?\nStan: 'Cause I'll get in trouble.\nGrandpa: I killed my grandpa when I was your age.\nStan: Leave me alone, grandpa.\nScene Description: On the TV there's a fart, and more laughter.\nGrandpa: What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.\nScene Description: Kyle's House. Ike and Kyle are watching 'Terrance & Phillip'\nPhillip: Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too.\nScene Description: Phillip farts, and they laugh.\nTerrance: Ohhh, you farted.\nScene Description: Kyle is laughing pretty hard.\nSheila Broflovski: Kyle, bubbe, what are you watching?\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?\nPhillip: I sure would Terrance.\nTerrance: Alrighty then, here's a two-lip.\nScene Description: Terrance farts, and they laugh.\nSheila: What is this?\nScene Description: Kyle falls off the armchair laughing.\nSheila: It's horrible!\nScene Description: Kyle gets up off the floor.\nKyle: Dude, it's Terrance & Phillip.\nScene Description: Phillip knocks Terrance's head to one side.\nPhillip: Take that, you stupid dick.\nSheila: What did he say?\nTerrance: You're an asshole, Phillip.\nSheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!!?\nScene Description: Laughter. She turns the set off.\nShiela: Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore! It's immature toilet humor!\nKyle: But everybody watches Terrance & Phillip.\nScene Description: Sheila with her arms akimbo.\nSheila: Oh really? Is that so?\nScene Description: Cartman's House.\nTerrance: Oh no, Phillip, looks like you're about to fart.\nPhillip: You're exactly right, Terrance. Oh.\nScene Description: Fart. Laughter.\nTerrance: Oh no.\nScene Description: Laughter.\nCartman: Ha, ha, ha, that's sweet!\nLiane: Eric dear? I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty, and might make you a potty mouth.\nCartman: That's a bunch of crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!\nLiane: Ohhh, okay hon.\nScene Description: Stan's House. Stan is going to bed, but before entering he reviews his chores for the morrow. Grandpa has added one more...\nStan: I'm not going to kill you, grandpa!\nGrandpa: Ingrate!\nStan: Good night, grandpa.\nGrandpa: You pompous son of a whore!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Class.\nStudent: Huh huh, I had another ...\nScene Description: Cartman punches Kyle on the shoulder.\nKyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!\nCartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!\nClyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?\nKyle: Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.\nCartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!\nMr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.\nCartman: [Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?\nMr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.\nClass: Yeahh, woohoo!\nMr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.\nScene Description: Silence.\nMr. Garrison: You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.\nScene Description: Kenny walks in.\nMr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?\nScene Description: Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me for being late. I have explosive Diarrhea. signed -K'\nMr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.\nScene Description: Addressing the class.\nMr. Garrison: Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...\nScene Description: Kenny is waving his hand frantically.\nMr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?\nKenny: (I have to go poop.)\nMr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.\nKenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)\nMr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.\nScene Description: Kenny goes in the restroom.\nMr. Garrison: As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.\nScene Description: Throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny moans loudly. Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture. Kenny sits back at his desk and Stan, reacting to the diarrhea's smell, waves his hand in front of his face.\nStan: Whoa! Smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!\nMr. Garrison: Pay attention children!\nScene Description: Pounds on the lectern.\nMr. Garrison: I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance & Phillip any more, ever.\nCartman: What?\nClyde: Not watch Terrance & Phillip ever?\nScene Description: Kyle's face drops.\nMr. Garrison: That's right, children. Are there any questions?\nScene Description: Stan raises his hand.\nMr. Garrison: Yes, Stanley?\nStan: Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?\nScene Description: After a moment of reflection.\nMr. Garrison: What, what do you mean?\nStan: My grandpa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should.\nKyle: Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna.\nStan: Really??\nKyle: Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all.\nStan: Wow!\nCartman: Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!\nStan: So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole.\nKenny: (OH MY GOD!)\nScene Description: Kenny runs into the bathroom and releases a large splatter of diarrhea.\nKenny: (Owww!) [Splatterrrrr!]\nScene Description: School Cafeteria.\nCartman: Man! I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance & Phillip today. I think I'm already having withdrawal.\nScene Description: He starts convulsing and making seizure related sounds.\nStan: Don't worry dude, we can all go watch it at my house. My parents don't get home until late.\nKyle: But won't your grandpa be there?\nStan: Yeah...\nCartman: Just kill 'im dude, maybe he'll give you some money.\nChef: Hello there children.\nStan: Hey Chef.\nChef: How's it goin'?\nStan: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nStan: Chef, is it okay to kill your grandpa?\nChef: You can't kill my grandpa Stan, he's already passed on.\nStan: No, I mean, kill my grandpa.\nChef: No, I don't think that's okay Stan. In fact, I think that's illegal.\nStan: See, I told you dude.\nKyle: Well, yeah, but what if the grandpa wants to die, cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help?\nCartman: Yeah, like assisted suicide. What about that?\nScene Description: Stops himself twice before responding\nChef: I don't want to touch that with a forty foot pole.\nStan: What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this???\nScene Description: South Park PTA Meeting.\nSheila: And I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean.\nScene Description: She puts the tape in and starts the VCR.\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, guess what?\nPhillip: What?\nScene Description: Rips a fart.\nTerrance: Fart.\nSheila: Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny.\nRandy: Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh.\nScene Description: Other PTA members stare at Randy in shock. He looks around chagrined.\nSheila: Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor...\nScene Description: Loud, juicy fart comes from the little boys room. Mr. Garrison exits.\nMr. Garrison: Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters.\nScene Description: Amid peals of laughter.\nTownsman: Ha ha, green apple splatters.\nScene Description: Stan's House.\nGrandpa: Uhhhh.\nStan: Hi grandpa, I brought my friends over to watch TV, if that's okay.\nGrandpa: Billy, help grandpa stick this fork in the outlet.\nStan: No grandpa, I'll get in trouble.\nGrandpa: Kill me, God dammit!\nStan: No, I can't even kill a deer.\nGrandpa: Well then, have one of your little friends do it. You can kill me can't ya?\nCartman: I would never kill somebody... not unless the piss me off.\nScene Description: Seizing the opportunity.\nGrandpa: Ohh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.\nCartman: What!\nGrandpa: That's right.\nStan: Grandpa!\nGrandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.\nCartman: Hey!\nGrandpa: Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma.\nCartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!\nGrandpa: That's the spirit, Tubby.\nScene Description: Restraining Cartman.\nStan: Come on, Cartman, he's just trying to get to you.\nCartman: Don't talk about my mom like that!\nScene Description: Dragging Cartman away.\nStan: We can go watch Terrance & Phillip in the kitchen.\nGrandpa: I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, Fatso?\nCartman: Ah, I can't believe that son of a bitch!\nStan: Here Cartman, have some Snacky Cakes.\nCartman: Oooh, Snacky Cakes, god dang.\nStan: I don't know what to do dude, my grandpa really wants to die.\nKyle: I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance.\nStan: Hey, yeah!\nScene Description: Stan's House, kitchen.\nTV Announcer: And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access.\nJesus: Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.\nScene Description: Jesus presses a button on the phone.\nJesus: First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals'.\nScene Description: There's an echo.\nCaller: Yeah, is this Jesus?\nJesus: Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback.\nCaller: Oh, sorry.\nScene Description: Caller fixes the echo.\nCaller: Uh, this is Martin...\nJesus: Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know.\nMartin: How the hell'd you know that?\nJesus: Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac, now, do you have a question?\nMartin: Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and-\nJesus: Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance.\nMartin: Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus.\nScene Description: Jesus presses a button on the phone.\nJesus: Next caller, you're on the air.\nStan: Jesus?\nJesus: Yes my son?\nStan: Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?\nJesus: My son...\nStan: Yes?\nJesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.\nScene Description: He presses a button on the phone.\nJesus: Next caller.\nStan: Goddammit!\nJesus: I heard that.\nStan: What the hell is wrong with everybody?\nCartman: Hey you guys, Terrance & Phillip is on!\nKyle: Yeah, hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?\nStan: Kyle, don't be such a butt-hole!\nCartman: Yeah, just cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer.\nKyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!\nCartman: Oh, biiitch.\nScene Description: Turns around and hoists his ass up to simulate a woman with a big ass.\nCartman: Your-mom-is-a-bi-bi-bii-biittchh.\nTV Announcer: And now back to Terrance & Phillip.\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, would you like to eat some beans.\nPhillip: Oho yeah, I love beans.\nCartman: Uh oh, I bet I know what's coming.\nGrandpa: Billy, would you mind holding this for grandpa, please?\nStan: Okay, grandpa, okay. Just get out of the way of the TV.\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart.\nPhillip: Well, don't fart on me, Terrance.\nCartman: Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again.\nKenny: (Oh my God!)\nScene Description: Kenny runs to the bathroom.\nCartman: Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny.\nScene Description: After receiving the dreaded fart.\nPhillip: You're such an asshole, Terrance.\nTerrance: Haha, that I am!\nScene Description: Laughter.\nScene Description: Disgusting diarrhea sounds.\nKenny: (Ow!)\nCartman: Hurry up Kenny, you're gonna miss the fart.\nScene Description: Shelly walks in.\nShelly: Jesus! What the hell are you doing?\nStan: We're not watching Terrance & Phillip, I swear. I, I mean, Cartman was watching it.\nShelly: No, I mean, what the hell are you doing to grandpa?!\nScene Description: Stan traces the rope and realizes that Grandpa has hung himself, but hasn't died.\nGrandpa: Tug - a - little harder, Billy.\nStan: Aaah!!\nScene Description: Releases the rope. Grandpa falls to the ground, landing on his side.\nGrandpa: Uh, ow.\nShelly: You little jerk!\nScene Description: Slugs Stan in the face\nShelly: You were trying to kill grandpa! I'm telling mom!\nGrandpa: Dammit! I was so close.\nScene Description: Some time later the kids are the ones on television.\nTV Announcer: Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather.\nTalk Show Host: Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?\nStan: We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance & Phillip and...\nTalk Show Host: Terrance & Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame.\nScene Description: In front of Tom's Rhinoplasty.\nSheila: These boys minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are fed up!\nCrowd: Woooo!\nTownsman: Huh? Oh god! Oh god!\nScene Description: Runs into a Port-a-Potty for some quick relief.\nSheila: We have to stop this smut from going on the air. We will march to the network and protest until our demands are met. New York, here we come!\nScene Description: Sound of a deep, wet, sonorous fart.\nScene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.\nScene Description: Cartoon faces of Tragedy and Comedy adorn the signs.\nSheila: We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children!\nScene Description: Loud cheering from the crowd.\nSheila: We want more quality television, like Full House.\nScene Description: More cheering.\nScene Description: In line to use the Port-a-Potty.\nRandy: Oh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.\nScene Description: The Mayor exits the Port-a-Potty.\nRandy: Whoa, Mayor, you, uh, making gravy in there? Heh, heh, heh, heh.\nMayor McDaniels: I just had a brown baby boy.\nScene Description: Laughter.\nScene Description: Stan's House, in disarray. Kyle is jumping on the sofa, Stan and Cartman are tossing the football, and Kenny is flying a kite.\nKyle: Dude, this is sweet, not having parents around.\nScene Description: The others scramble to the sofa and start jumping.\nStan: Yeah, I hope they protest TV shows forever.\nAll: Whoopeee!\nGrandpa: Come here Billy, I want to show you something.\nStan: Aww, do I have to?\nGrandpa: Yes you do, you little pecker! I realized that the reason you won't kill me...\nScene Description: Stan jumps off and follows Grandpa towards his room.\nGrandpa: ...is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy, but now I found a way to show you what it feels like to be a grandpa.\nScene Description: They both enter, Grandpa shuts the door.\nStan: Hey, what are you doing?!\nScene Description: Grandpa loads a cassette into a tape player.\nScene Description: Outside the room with Kenny and Cartman\nKyle: What are they doing in there?\nCartman: I don't know.\nGrandpa: Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready, Billy?\nStan: Uh, I guess.\nScene Description: Grandpa starts the tape, which plays a bit of Muzak that evokes Enya's 'Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)'\nStan: Okay, you, you can let me out now.\nGrandpa: Not just yet.\nScene Description: He turns up the volume.\nStan: Let me out, grandpa!\nScene Description: Stan tries to open the door.\nStan: I can't take it anymore, this music is terrible, it's, it's cheesy, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time.\nScene Description: Singer\nGrandpa: That's it, now you know what it feels like to be grandpa.\nScene Description: Stan falls out of the room, looking very haggard.\nSinger: 'Gonna fly, gonna fly, gonna fly'\nScene Description: Grandpa turns off the radio and follows.\nStan: Eh, grandpa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand.\nGrandpa: So now will you kill me, Billy?\nStan: Sure I will grandpa, I will.\nScene Description: In front of Cartoon Central, New York.\nLiane: Hehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working.\nSheila: It'll work, it has to.\nTownsman: Look! It's the president of the network.\nJohn Warsog: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warsog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.\nScene Description: He clears his throat a couple of times.\nJohn Warsog: Fuck you.\nScene Description: A slight pause.\nJohn Warsog: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.\nScene Description: He turns back towards the building.\nSheila: Hey, you will not get away with this!\nScene Description: He moons the crowd. They gasp in shock. He goes inside and shuts the door.\nSheila: That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'.\nLiane: Ohho, Carol, where are the Porto-Potties?\nSheila: Over there hon. What, you need to drop some friends off at the pool?\nLiane: [Lustily.] Ohhh, yes, indeedy.\nScene Description: They laugh.\nScene Description: Outside of Stan's house.\nStan: Okay grandpa, all you have to do is sit there. We'll do the rest. [To Kyle.] You got the cow all tied up?\nKyle: Yep, all done.\nStan: 'Kay, come on guys.\nScene Description: The boys struggle to lift the cow over grandpa's head.\nCartman: Why don't we just shoot him?\nStan: You dumbass Cartman, it has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted.\nKyle: Yeah, stupid!\nGrandpa: That's good Billy, a little higher now.\nCow: Moooo!\nScene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.\nSheila: The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready?\nScene Description: Mr. McCormick positions himself in front of a large sling shot.\nSheila: Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!\nScene Description: Mr. McCormick is flung into the front of the Cartoon Central building, splattering into bloody death. The crowd gasps.\nSheila: We will all follow suit, one by one if that's what it takes.\nScene Description: Sounds of abdominal pain as people line up to the Porto-potties.\nScene Description: Outside of Stan's house somewhere.\nStan: Are you ready, grandpa?\nGrandpa: Does the pope crap in the woods?\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady drives up. He is staring at the scene of a cow dangling above Grandpa by a rope. Stan stands off to the side, knife in hand, ready to cut the rope.\nPolice Radio: 7 Mary 5, code 6 - 105 North Avenue 52.\nCow: Mooo!\nOfficer Barbrady: Carry on.\nScene Description: He starts the car back up and drives away.\nStan: Ok, here we go. Bye grandpa, it was nice knowing you.\nGrandpa: Uhh, cut the damn rope already!\nScene Description: Sounds of thunder. Lightning flashes. Death appears and disappears.\nStan: What is that?!\nKyle: Well, it, it looks like...\nAll: Death!\nDeath: Mrrrrr!\nScene Description: He points at them.\nGrandpa: It's about time you lazy-ass son of a whore.\nScene Description: Death approaches grandpa.\nGrandpa: Come on, let's go.\nScene Description: Death continues past grandpa, towards the kids.\nGrandpa: What the...?\nStan: Hey, he's coming towards us.\nKyle: Why is Death coming after us?\nDeath: Mrrr.\nKids: Ahhh!\nScene Description: The kids run into Stan's house and towards his room, Death in hot pursuit. Stan struggles to open the door.\nCartman: Aaaah, runrunruuun!\nScene Description: They enter the room. Stan bars the door with his body.\nDeath: Mrrr.\nScene Description: Death bangs on the door.\nKyle: What are we gonna do?\nDeath: Mooorrrr!\nScene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.\nNewscaster: As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors.\nSheila: Here Carol, I think it's your boy.\nSharon: Oh thanks. What is it Stanley-hon, did you break something?\nStan: Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!\nSharon: Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there.\nStan: Yeah, but, mom!\nSharon: Here honey, talk to your father.\nRandy: Did you turn the heat down?\nStan: Dad, Death is coming!\nRandy: Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather.\nScene Description: He hangs up.\nScene Description: Stan's room. Death is trying to enter.\nDeath: Mrrrr!\nStan: Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place.\nKyle: Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids.\nKenny: (You know what I think? Basically, if you let the decision of what you watch stop at the parents' control, then what can you see? It'll stay the same because they'll just get offended although their kids are not delighted with the television series they put on for their kids.)\nKyle: Totally dude.\nStan: Good point man.\nDeath: Mrrrr!\nScene Description: Death cuts through the door with his scythe.\nStan: Ahhhh!\nKyle: Quick, jump through the window.\nCartman: Ehh, eh, ehhhh!\nScene Description: Kenny pushes Cartman out the window and follows.\nDeath: Mrrrr!\nScene Description: South Park Main Street.\nKids: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!\nScene Description: Death is following the kids on a tricycle. Grandpa tries to keep up on his electric wheelchair.\nGrandpa: Come back here, you pompousy son of a pansy!\nKids: Aaaah!\nScene Description: Kyle sees Death close to Kenny.\nKyle: Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!\nGrandpa: Come over here, you son of a whore!\nScene Description: Death ignores him, but something in T.V. World makes Death take a second look. Terrance and Phillip are on TV floating in spacesuits. There are seven screens - a giant central one flanked by three smaller ones on each side.\nPhillip: Uhh, oh Terrance? What color is the wind?\nTerrance: Hmmm, I don't know, why don't you check?\nScene Description: Farts. Canned laughter.\nPhillip: Oh, you farted.\nScene Description: Death laughs.\nTerrance: Ohho God.\nScene Description: Death is laughing uncontrollably.\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like?\nPhillip: No Terrance, why don't you tell me?\nTerrance: Well, it smells like, a dirty fart!\nScene Description: Laughter. Death laughs.\nStan: [Noticing.] Hey look!\nScene Description: After Terrance farts.\nPhillip: Oh, there's one.\nScene Description: The kids go back to watch the show with Death. They are all laughing.\nScene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.\nNewscaster: Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is...\nScene Description: He puts his hand to his earphone.\nNewscaster: Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement!\nScene Description: The door to Cartoon Central opens. The president emerges wearing a gas-mask.\nTownsman: Wait, wait.\nJohn Warsog: Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces ... has worked.\nScene Description: Shot of a large pile of crap lying in front of the two Porto-potties.\nJohn Warsog: Therefore, today we will be officially taking Terrance & Phillip off the network and replacing it with reruns of She's the Sheriff, starring Suzanne Somers.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nJohn Warsog: Now get away from here, and take your diarrhea with you!\nScene Description: The crowd continues to cheer.\nTownsman: Huh, oh no!\nScene Description: He is launched, and he leaves a bloody mess on the sign.\nSheila: At last, now we can return to normality.\nScene Description: Television store in downtown South Park.\nTerrance: Hey, Phillip.\nPhillip: Yes, Terrance?\nTerrance: Is there a penny stuck in my butt?\nPhillip: Well I don't know, Terrance, let me check.\nCartman: Uh oh, don't look there, Phillip, you're gonna get farted on.\nScene Description: Static appears on the TV, and then a new screen comes up.\nTV Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.\nScene Description: Loud Static. Death is upset and resumes his mission.\nDeath: Mrrrrr!\nKids: Ahhh!\nScene Description: South Park Main Street. Death turns and touches Kenny, and Kenny falls over, dead.\nKyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny. You Bastard!!!\nStan: Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time.\nGrandpa: Hey, you were supposed to kill me!\nDeath: Mrrr.\nGrandpa: That's not fair, Goddammit! My grandpa asked me to kill him and I did it.\nScene Description: Death points a cold finger up the street. From a misty haze emerges an incredibly haggard looking ghost of a man.\nStan: Whoa!\nGreat-Great-Grandpa: Billllyyyy...\nGrandpa: Grandpa?\nGreat-Great-Grandpa: That's right, Billy.\nGrandpa: My name's not Billy, grandpa. And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard?\nGreat-Great-Grandpa: I asked you to kill me, Billy, but I was wrong. And now I'm forced to spend eternity in limbo.\nGrandpa: Limbo?\nGreat-Great-Grandpa: I was wrong to put you in that position, Billy, just like you're wrong to put Little Billy in it now. You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his. You must wait to die of natural causes.\nGrandpa: But I've been waiting for 25 years.\nGreat-Great-Grandpa: Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo. Natural causes Billy, natural causes...\nScene Description: Death, Great-great-grandpa and Kenny's ghost fade away into the mist.\nStan: Come on you guys, let's go home.\nScene Description: A rat comes up and takes Kenny's corpse away.\nScene Description: Stan's House.\nSheila: Here they are!\nRandy: Well, we did it son, we fought a battle for your well being, and won.\nStan: What do you mean?\nSharon: We got Terrance & Phillip taken off the air.\nCartman: You son of a bitch, your mom sucks!\nSheila: But look what they put on.\nScene Description: Turns on the TV.\nTV Announcer: And now back to She's the Sheriff.\nCartman: Ohhh, God, No!\nSuzanne Somers: You are the one behind all these shenanigans.\nDude: Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it.\nSheila: What did he say?\nSuzanne: Up yours, butt-munch.\nSheila: Whatwhatwhaaat!!!\nScene Description: She turns on her heel and takes up her sign.\nSheila: Come on everybody, back to New York!\nScene Description: The Marshes follow her out the door.\nKyle: Hey Stan, now that Terrance & Phillip has been taken off the air, what are we going to do for entertainment?\nStan: I don't know. We, we could start breathing gas fumes.\nCartman: My uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool.\nKyle: Hey, why don't we watch some of those porno movie thingies?\nStan: Cool!\nCartman: Yeah!\nScene Description: Grandpa wheels up wearing a touristy shirt, carrying an Africa brochure.\nStan: What are you doing grandpa?\nGrandpa: I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did you know that over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year?\nStan: That's my silly grandpa.\nScene Description: All laugh. Kyle farts."}
{"text": "Scene Description: October 30, Outer Space. Mir Space Station is shown orbiting earth.\nComrade 1: Vladned chaviski. Bodad comrade Dobalsted.(Propulsion systems stable... No problems with Mir...)\nScene Description: A second comrade, in an alien mask, sneaks up on the first.\nComrade 2: Graaah.\nComrade 1: Ayyy!\nComrade 2: Porchad. Hehe, vlided il chalfeka(Gotcha, Happy Halloween)\nComrade 1: Shtaad, boded but shtaad.(You scared me, you communist bastard)\nScene Description: A warning button flashes. The message beneath it reads: УфпхзиWarningUna Problema\nComrade 2: Oh, shtool.(Oh...Crap)\nComrade 1: Shtool.(Crap)\nScene Description: Bus Stop. The boys await the bus. Mir crashes. One end of it falls on top of Kenny, narrowly missing the other boys.\nStan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nCartman: What the hell is that thing?\nKyle: It looks like a UFO.\nCartman: There's no such thing as UFOs.\nScene Description: Sirens wail as ambulance pulls up. Two paramedics go over to Kenny's corpse.\nParamedic: Let's get 'im to the morgue.\nScene Description: They put his corpse in a body bag, then toss the bag into the ambulence and drive off.\nCartman: Hey, wait til you see my Halloween costume tomorrow. It kicks ass.\nKyle: Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.\nStan: Hey man, we gotta get home and get our costumes ready.\nScene Description: They walk off.\nScene Description: South Park Morgue. Outside, an owl hoots, then a crow reaches the morgue's sign and shits on it. Inside the morgue a mortician places a hose into Kenny, blood starts flowing out.\nMortician: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.\nScene Description: Marty places a hose into Kenny, green embalming fluid flows in.\nMarty: Oh, yes, I know what you mean.\nScene Description: Marty pulls out a hot dog, pours Worcestershire sauce on it, and takes a bite.\nMortician: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?\nMarty: I don't know, it ju- it just makes everything taste so...English.\nMortician: Well, let's let him drain.\nScene Description: They walk away. Worcestershire sauce falls over and pours into embalming fluid. Kenny's eyes open, and he gets up.\nMortician: ...So then the necrophiliac says, \"If this ain't a cadaver then I-\"\nScene Description: Kenny busts through a door and takes a bite out of the mortician's head.\nMortician: Hey!\nScene Description: Kenny bites Marty's shoulder.\nMarty: Aaah!\nScene Description: Kenny walks away.\nMarty: God damn! That little turd bit me!\nMortician: Me too!\nScene Description: Kenny leaves the morgue and an owl hoots.\nScene Description: Bus Stop. Kyle is standing there with a Chewbacca mask on. Stan walks up; his costume consists of red yarn hair and big rosy cheeks.\nKyle: Ha ha, you look like a pansy.\nStan: Shut up Kyle!\nKyle: What uh, what are you supposed to be?\nStan: I'm Raggedy Andy.\nKyle: Hehe. Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy dude?\nStan: Wendy's going as Raggedy Ann, and she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure.\nKyle: No way dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume.\nStan: Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.\nKyle: Wow! Cool!\nScene Description: Cartman walks up.\nCartman: Hey, dudes.\nKyle: Cartman! What kind of costume is that?\nCartman: It's Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg Heil, sieg heil.\nStan: Where'd you get that?\nCartman: My mom made it, isn't it cool?\nKyle: No it's not cool!\nCartman: What are you supposed to be Stan, Howdy Doody?\nStan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!\nCartman: Ohh, heh- wow, you look pretty cool.\nScene Description: He and Kyle laugh.\nKyle: Hehe. Sissy.\nStan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!\nCartman: Oh look out, Holly Hobby's all pissed off!\nScene Description: Kenny's corpse approaches.\nStan: Hey look, Kenny's not dead.\nKyle: You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.\nStan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?\nKyle: Yeah, why's your family so poor Kenny?\nCartman: Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.\nScene Description: Stan laughs. Kenny does nothing while birds chirp.\nCartman: I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage, Kenny!\nScene Description: Silence.\nCartman: I'm talking to you Kenny, achtung!\nScene Description: Silence.\nCartman: Poor piece of crap.\nScene Description: Ms. Crabtree's bus pulls up.\nMs. Crabtree: COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!\nStan: Aah, we're always running late you ugly stank.\nMs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!\nStan: I said, \"I can't wait to own a fishing tank.\"\nMs. Crabtree: Oh, neither can I.\nScene Description: South Park Clinic. Marty and the mortician are being treated.\nDoctor: [á la James Stewart] Very interesting.\nMortician: What, what is it doc?\nDoctor: Well, your- your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your, your eyes are all puffy and sticky.\nMortician: Oh no, you mean...\nDoctor: Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have - Pink Eye.\nScene Description: Marty and the mortician gasp.\nDoctor: I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch ya.\nMarty: Oh I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is, eh, brains!\nDoctor: Yeah, well for God sake don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The boys are walking into class.\nKyle: Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume. They're gonna be so jealous...\nScene Description: The entire class has a Chewbacca mask on.\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nKyle: Everyone came as Chewbacca?!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison is in drag, Mr. Hat has a Chewbacca mask on.\nMr. Garrison: It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle.\nMr. Hat: Roar.\nScene Description: Kyle throws off his mask.\nKyle: Dammit!\nStan: Wendy?\nWendy: Hi, Stan.\nStan: You said we were going to be Raggedy Ann and Andy, remember?\nWendy: Yeahhh?\nStan: We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.\nWendy: I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look.\nStan: You what?!\nWendy: I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so, I came as Chewbacca.\nScene Description: Stan bangs his head against a desk.\nBill: Heheh. Heheh.\nFosse: Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss.\nBill: Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend? Huhuh.\nScene Description: Stan bangs his head again.\nFosse: Yehaha.\nBill: Huhuh.\nCartman: There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?\nKyle: Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!\nCartman: You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!\nKyle: Wookies don't live on Endor!\nCartman: [In a mocking voice.] Wookies don't live on Endor.\nKyle: Well at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!\nCartman: What?! What did you say?\nMr. Garrison: Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats. Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel-\nScene Description: Kenny's arm falls off and Mr. Garrison stops.\nScene Description: Wendy looks down at it.\nWendy: Eww.\nMr. Garrison: Is there a problem Kenny?\nScene Description: Silence.\nMr. Garrison: Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?\nKyle: I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy looking like everybody else!\nScene Description: In front of Cartman's House. Liane is decorating the house and yard, and she sings...\nLiane: Oooh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween, with scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things...\nScene Description: She places a poster of Richard Nixon (aka Tricky Dick) on the door. Two zombies, formerly the mortician and Marty, pass by.\nLiane: Hello there!\nZombie: Uuuhh.\nLiane: Happy Halloween!\nZombie Mortician: Must eat brains.\nScene Description: They attack a passer by, eating his brains and tearing his arms off.\nLiane: It's the most wonderful time of the year, do do do do do do do do-\nPasser-by: Aaargh!!! Oh my God!!!\nScene Description: The zombies finish him off.\nScene Description: School Cafeteria.\nKyle: I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can still win that candy.\nCartman: Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding? [As Kenny.] No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like. [As himself.] Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you.\nKyle: Aren't you hungry Kenny?\nScene Description: Kenny just sits there.\nStan: He hasn't moved an inch, or said anything.\nChef: Hello, children.\nKyle, Stan: Hey, Chef.\nScene Description: Chef notices Cartman's Hitler costume.\nChef: What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!\nCartman: Eating Kenny's pudding.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria walks up.\nPrincipal Victoria: Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef.\nChef: Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?\nScene Description: She turns to the boys.\nPrincipal Victoria: Anyway, I hope that you kids are-Daagh!\nScene Description: Noticing Cartman's costume.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric! God bless it! what do you think you're doing?!\nCartman: Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself.\nScene Description: As Kenny, poking the side of Kenny's head with a fork for effect.\nCartman: That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool.\nPrincipal Victoria: Where did you get that costume, young man?!\nCartman: My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!\nPrincipal Victoria: Sshh! Oh, God bless America.\nScene Description: She grabs Cartman's shoulder; he starts screaming.\nPrincipal Victoria: You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video.\nCartman: Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational video-o.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria drags him from the table. Clyde enters the cafeteria with his lunch, and Kenny turns toward him and bites him on the arm.\nClyde: Owww, you bit my arm!\nScene Description: Clyde's arm begins to throb and glow.\nKyle: [Pleased.] Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office.\nPrincipal Victoria: Watch the video Eric.\nScene Description: She starts up the VCR. Adolf Hitler is shown and several Nazi soldiers are passing by with guns.\nNarrator: Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man!\nAdolf Hitler: Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. Alle Menschen werden Brüder. Doktor Stalin? Alarm! Menchoss? Zellan vei zamboa-\nScene Description: Cartman begins daydreaming of himself as Hitler.\nCartman: Juden est verboten, a den ascriber utz, kapieda hockuh. Juden est verboten, God dammit!\nPuffy the Bear: So remember kids, dressing like Hitler in school isn't cool!\nScene Description: Principal Victoria turns off the TV.\nPrincipal Victoria: Now, do you have any questions?\nCartman: [Gleefully.] Could I see that again? That was cool.\nPrincipal Victoria: You must remove that costume, immediately!\nCartman: I can't, I have to win those two tons of candy.\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, how about we make you a new costume. Let's see now.\nScene Description: She spies a white sheet behind Cartman.\nPrincipal Victoria: Aha, thought of something. How about we make you a nice scary ghost costume?\nCartman: [Whining.] I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!\nPrincipal Victoria: Aaand, let me just make a few quickie alterations, and there ya go, young man.\nScene Description: Cartman looks suspiciously like a Ku Klux Klan member.\nScene Description: South Park Street. Pack of zombies walks down the street. A pair of joggers are jogging.\nJogger: Ho, looks like they got a touch of that pink eye that's going around.\nScene Description: The zombies attack the joggers, who scream for their lives.\nScene Description: School gym, the costume contest is about to start.\nCartman: Boo! I'm a ghost.\nStan: Oh man, I feel like a total choad.\nCartman: Aw, come on Stan, maybe that's just because you look like a total choad.\nChef: Hello, children.\nCartman: Hey Chef.\nChef: Aaaaah!\nScene Description: Chef runs away\nCartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?\nStan: Hey, where's Kyle?\nScene Description: Kyle bursts in through the doors.\nKyle: Check this out!\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nCartman: What is that?\nKyle: I'm the whole solar system! The planets even all revolve the right way. That tub of candy is as good as mine!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison blows a whistle.\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.\nScene Description: They line up on the stage.\nMr. Garrison: Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers.\nScene Description: Some scattered applause.\nCartman: Who?\nKyle: Dude, I thought she was dead.\nStan: Yeah, me too.\nScene Description: Tina hands Mr. Garrison the results.\nMr. Garrison: Thank you Miss Yothers. Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume.\nScene Description: Tina places a second place ribbon on Kenny.\nMr. Garrison: ...And the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!\nScene Description: Tina places a first place ribbon on Wendy.\nKyle: What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers!\nScene Description: Tina looks on shocked.\nMr. Garrison: And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children. [Everyone laughs.] Yeah.\nStan: Thanks a lot, Wendy! You ruined my Halloween!\nWendy: Relax Stan. You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.\nStan: I don't wanna trick-or-treat with you. You lied to me.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe.\nScene Description: Bebe begins bobbing for apples.\nMr. Garrison: That's good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.\nClyde: Brainnns. Ahh.\nScene Description: Clyde attacks Bebe, attempting to eat her brains.\nMr. Garrison: Wait your turn Clyde.\nScene Description: Outside Chef's House. Somebody jumps out from behind a bush.\nJohnson: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhh!\nChef: Ah! Damn Johnson, what the hell's gotten into you?\nJohnson: Piiink eyyye.\nChef: Get the hell out of here Johnson! I don't want no god damn pink eye!\nScene Description: Chef closes the door and sits down to watch TV.\nScene Description: News 4 Special Report, referring to Mir's crash landing.\nTom: ...And the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, \"Screw those Commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station.\"\nScene Description: The backdrop shifts to a pair of pink eyes.\nTom: In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.\nScene Description: Cut to Midget, behind which zombies are shown ransacking the town.\nMidget: Thanks Tom, already more than half the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pink eye virus.\nScene Description: Zombies are shown attacking another townsperson, and generally ransacking South Park.\nMidget: Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky puffy eyes.\nChef: Pink eye my ass. I've seen this kind of thing before.\nScene Description: At the bus stop, nighttime.\nCartman: Where the hell is Kyle, we don't have all night to wait for him.\nStan: I bet I get more candy than you dude.\nCartman: Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master.\nStan: No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference.\nCartman: Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking.\nStan: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!\nCartman: God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!!\nScene Description: Kyle arrives dressed as a vampire.\nKyle: Hey dudes.\nStan: Oh, good, you're here. Now let's make sure we got everything. Flashlight...\nCartman: Check.\nStan: Plastic pumpkin pails...\nKyle: Check.\nStan: Taser...\nScene Description: Stan lights it up.\nKyle: What's that?\nStan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.\nCartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off.\nScene Description: Kenny arrives.\nKyle, Stan: Hey Kenny.\nCartman: Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny.\nKyle: You still didn't get a costume Kenny?\nScene Description: Silence.\nCartman: Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.\nScene Description: Silence.\nCartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny!! Your family's poor!!!\nScene Description: Silence.\nCartman: I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate.\nWendy: Hi guys.\nCartman: Hi Wendy.\nStan: [Pointedly.] How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?\nWendy: Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi.\nCartman: You what?! Are you insane?!\nWendy: Let's go trick-or-treats.\nStan: I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day.\nWendy: Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad.\nCartman: How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?\nStan: Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!\nWendy: But Stan!\nStan: No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead!\nScene Description: The boys walk away. Wendy looks dejected. A low moan is heard and a shadow overcomes her.\nWendy: AAAAAAAAAAAH!\nScene Description: South Park Clinic. A patient turns to the side and coughs.\nChef: Doctor!\nDoctor: Why, hello Chef. Let me guess, pink eye, right?\nChef: No, no doctor, I've seen this type of thing before. This ain't no pink eye, it's the living dead.\nDoctor: What the hell are you talking about?\nChef: Think about it: Dead people getting up and walking around, and Tina Yothers comin' to town? Coincidence?? Oooh I don't think so!\nDoctor: Chef, Ah- I think maybe the pink eye has made you a little delirious. Le- let me give you some, some topical cream.\nChef: Damn it, don't you see? These people have been thematized. They got no heartbeat, no feeling. I'll show you. Errr!\nScene Description: Chef tears off Mr. Torres' arm. Mr. Torres is gushing blood.\nMr. Torres: Aaah!\nDoctor: Uhh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine check-up Chef.\nChef: Oh, sorry.\nScene Description: Chef tries to replace Mr. Torres' arm.\nChef: But my point is, that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here.\nScene Description: Mr. Torres falls over, in shock from blood loss.\nDoctor: Hey hey, now, now, there, there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years.\nChef: Doctor, who is the first person to come in here with the sickness?\nDoctor: Well, uh, i- it was the mortician and his assistant at the morgue, yeah.\nScene Description: Zombies burst through the doctor's door.\nChef: Aaaaaaaaaah!\nScene Description: Chef leaps out the doctor's window as zombies close in on the doctor.\nDoctor: Now, now, now let's, let's form a line, I've got enough topical cream for everybody.\nScene Description: They attack.\nDoctor: Ahh!\nScene Description: In front of a House. The kids ring the doorbell.\nThe Boys: Trick-or-treat!\nScene Description: Kenny's other arm falls off.\nElderly Woman: Ohh, how cute.\nScene Description: Reaches to place candy in Cartman's pail. Kenny attacks her arm with a vengeance.\nElderly Woman: Aaah!\nStan: Dude, Kenny!\nElderly Woman: Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911!\nScene Description: She retreats and shuts the door.\nCartman: Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy.\nScene Description: From inside her home.\nElderly Woman: Call 911!\nStan: Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops.\nCartman: You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!\nScene Description: City Hall. Chef bursts into the Mayor's office.\nChef: Mayor, we've got a big problem.\nScene Description: There is a pile of money on the Mayor's desk. Barbrady is presently wearing a garter and fishnet stockings. The Mayor stands up, her blouse in disarray.\nMayor McDaniels: Ugh!\nScene Description: Gets up from under her desk.\nMayor McDaniels: Why, why Chef. What a surprise!\nScene Description: Chef lets out a sigh of exasperation.\nOfficer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.\nChef: Actually, uh-\nMayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Wagging his finger.] Not a thingy-dingy.\nChef: I don't really give a crap! We've got to do something about the living dead!\nMayor McDaniels: You mean, Tina Yothers?\nScene Description: Barbrady and McDaniels chortle.\nChef: No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies that have taken over South Park!\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle?\nScene Description: Barbrady and McDaniels laugh.\nChef: [Pissed.] Aw, the hell with you both!\nScene Description: leaves the office.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, let's get back to it.\nOfficer Barbrady: Righty-o.\nScene Description: The Mayor lies down behind the desk.\nScene Description: Another House, another doorbell. A large individual opens the door.\nThe Boys: Trick-or-treat.\nDude: Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies.\nScene Description: Kenny attacks his shoulder.\nDude: Aaah!\nScene Description: Kenny is literally feasting on this guy. The guy twirls around as he says.\nDude: Get it off! Get it off me!! Gaaah!\nScene Description: He falls down, Kenny takes chunks out of his skull and eats them.\nCartman: Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!\nStan: Yeah! That's it Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!\nScene Description: The boys pass by a house being overrun by zombies.\nSomebody: Oh, God!\nScene Description: Yet another house, yet another bell. Three KKK guys open the door.\nThe Boys: Trick-or-treat.\nScene Description: the Klansmen stare back.\nCartman: Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too.\nScene Description: One of the guys places a single candy in Cartman's pail.\nCartman: One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!\nScene Description: Cartman, Kyle, and Stan walk through downtown South Park. Zombies are tearing up the town. Ned and Jimbo can be seen on a rooftop firing at the zombies. Two zombies are playing hot potato with a head.\nFemale: Oh my God!\nScene Description: A person off to the left is decapitated.\nFemale: Oh my God!\nScene Description: A zombie picks up a car and drops it on a child.\nFemale: Nooo!\nScene Description: Chef's House, and the boys ring his bell.\nThe Boys: Trick-or-t-Aaah!\nScene Description: Chef appears with two chainsaws in hand.\nChef: Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!\nThe Boys: Hey, Chef, trick-\nStan, Kyle: Chef! No!\nChef: [Suddenly calm.] Oh, sorry children. I thought you were one of them.\nCartman: Can we have some candy now please?!\nChef: Damn it boy, what in the hell are you doin' dressed up like that?!\nCartman: I'm trying to trick-or-treat God dammit!\nChef: Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see ya. Now, get in here before those zombies getcha!\nScene Description: The kids enter and sit on his sofa.\nStan: What are you talking about Chef?\nChef: Zombies children. South Park is overrun with the living dead. Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?\nKyle: Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating people's brains.\nChef: Don't you children see, Kenny's turned into a zombie. Along with everyone else in town.\nStan: Oh my God, that means...\nKyle: If everyone is turned into zombies...\nCartman: Then, there won't be anyone to give us candy!\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle gasp.\nCartman: Aaah!\nKyle: Chef, you've gotta help us!\nChef: I'm working on it children.\nScene Description: Packs the chainsaw.\nStan: Wait, where are we going?\nChef: The doctor said the first people he treated were the mortician and his assistant. Now, I've gotta hunch we'll get to the bottom of this... at the morgue.\nScene Description: Kyle farts. Stan and Cartman laugh.\nCartman: It was Kyle.\nScene Description: South Park Morgue.\nStan: I don't know about this Chef.\nKyle: Yeah, I'm scared.\nCartman: Remember candy, focus on the candy.\nScene Description: Inside the Morgue.\nStan: What are we doing here Chef?\nChef: Just look for anything suspicious.\nScene Description: Kyle looks around the desk.\nKyle: I found it! I found it!\nStan: What?\nScene Description: holding up an issue of Crack Whore magazine, with Liane Cartman on the cover.\nKyle: See Cartman, your mom is on the cover.\nCartman: Eh, shit...\nStan: We told you dude.\nCartman: You guys, shit...\nChef: You better let me take that Kyle.\nScene Description: Chef takes the magazine.\nStan: Hey Chef. Look\nScene Description: Stan and Chef see the embalming fluid, and the knocked over Worcestershire sauce bottle. Chef retrieves the bottle and reads the label, which says: WARNING! Not to be used as embalming fluid! Emergency Hotline 1-800-555-5633\nChef: I gotta call this hotline number children.\nScene Description: Pip bursts through a window.\nPip: Piiink eye!\nCartman: It's the British kid! He's a little limey zombie now!\nPip: Aaah!\nScene Description: More zombies are bursting into the Morgue.\nChef: Look out children!\nScene Description: Four zombies break through a wall. One comes out from a file cabinet. One stands in front of the boys and threatens them. Four more come through the wall next to the window, followed by Kenny. Stan pummels the threatening zombie with a baseball bat and takes him out.\nZombie: Ow, ooh, ow, gowuh-\nStan: Okay Chef, dial the hotline number. Chef?\nScene Description: He looks to his right and sees that Chef is now a zombie, dressed like Michael Jackson in the \"Thriller\" video.\nKyle: Chef!!!\nScene Description: He begins to dance, and the zombies join him. During the song, the zombies are dancing, as though elaborately choreographed.\nChef: I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed. Make looove, don't you be afraid; Just because my heart ain't beatin', it don't mean you won't get laid.\nScene Description: Wolf howl, then Chef lets loose a howl.\nStan: Let's get out of here!\nScene Description: The boys leave.\nScene Description: Chef opens his jacket.\nChef: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!\nScene Description: In the cemetery by the morgue.\nStan: We gotta call that Worcecestershire sauce hotline.\nCartman: Hey, there's a pay phone!\nStan: You call the number Kyle.\nKyle: But the zombies are coming!\nStan: We'll hold 'em off.\nHotline Voice: Welcome to the Worcestershire Sauce customer service hotline. For Worcestershire sauce recipes please press 1 followed by the pound sign. For Worcestershire sauce product placement, please press 2. If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming, please pr...\nScene Description: Kyle quickly presses 3 while Stan and Cartman are both wielding chainsaws and being surrounded by zombies.\nCartman: Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats and gets away with it!\nScene Description: He removes the head and arm from one zombie.\nCartman: Aaah, kew!\nScene Description: Stan removes the heads from two zombies at once.\nStan: Sweet!\nScene Description: More zombies surround Stan and Cartman. Zombie Chef is distracted by the issue of Crack Whore Magazine.\nHotline Voice: Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline, this call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service, how may I help you?\nKyle: There's a bunch of zombies here!\nHotline Voice: Please hold.\nScene Description: Stan and Cartman are laying into zombies, heads are flying everywhere. Cartman takes one zombie in the groin while Stan is shown removing the head from another. Wendy approaches, Stan turns to see who's next.\nStan: Wendy?\nWendy: Aaahahah!\nCartman: Finish her dude, she's a zombie now!\nStan: I know, but uh-... but...\nCartman: Come on Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?\nStan: Hey, yeah!\nScene Description: Stan starts revving the chainsaw.\nHotline Voice: For regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you do not just go out and start decapitating zombies left and right. Do you understand? Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!\nKyle: Uh, okay. Then what?\nWendy: Aaahh.\nStan: [Apologetically.] Wendy, I know we had a fight, and I did wish you were dead, but, I didn't mean it.\nCartman: Kill her Stan!\nHotline Voice: All you have to do is kill the original zombie. The one that started the whole mess. Once you kill the original zombie, all the others zombies will turn back to normal.\nKyle: Original zombie? Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?!\nHotline Voice: We realize you have a choice in worcestershire sauces, we are delighted that...\nScene Description: Kyle hangs up and stops.\nKyle: Wait a minute, that thing landed on Kenny, and they took him to the mortuary.\nWendy: Aaah!\nStan: I, I can't.\nWendy: Aaah!\nScene Description: Kyle runs in with a third chain saw and cuts Kenny in half.\nKyle: Oh my God! I killed Kenny! You bastard!\nScene Description: Wendy's zombie look fades.\nWendy: Oh, what happened? Stan?\nStan: Don't worry babe. Everything's going to be okay.\nKyle: It's working! They're turning back to normal.\nChef: You did it children!\nCartman: Ok, let's go trick-or-treatin' now, come on!\nWendy: I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.\nStan: That's okay Wendy, I'm sorry I wished you were dead.\nWendy: Maybe we could actually kiss tonight Stan.\nScene Description: Puckers up. Stan freezes up and looks ill, then pukes on Wendy.\nWendy: Eww, gross Stan, sick! Barf is gross!\nScene Description: She walks away. Stan just looks on.\nScene Description: Cemetery. The boys are at Kenny's grave. Somber music is playing.\nStan: Oh man, I can't believe he's gone.\nKyle: Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us.\nStan: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw.\nCartman: Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way.\nScene Description: Cartman begins to sob uncontrollably. Kyle tries to console him, but refrains.\nStan: You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving.\nKyle: ...No, dude, that's Christmas.\nStan: Oh, then, what's Halloween about?\nKyle: Costumes and candy.\nStan: Oh.\nScene Description: Cartman still wailing, then abruptly snaps out of it.\nCartman: Well, let's go home, start eating that candy.\nKyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom.\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money.\nStan: Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month.\nCartman: Lehh, eh, screw you guys!\nScene Description: Somber music plays again. Zoom in on Kenny's grave. Weird music plays as Kenny, newly sewn together, bursts from the grave.\nKenny: (Heeeeyyyy, kick ass.)\nScene Description: A statue of an angel falls on Kenny.\nKenny: (Ow!)\nScene Description: A moment later an airplane crashes into Kenny and the statue."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's House. The boys are watching television and laughing.\nStan: That was awesome!\nKyle: Yeah!\nLiane: Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?\nCartman: Get out of the way mah! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special is on.\nLiane: Sure hon.\nCartman: And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip have just landed.\nPhillip: Hey Terrance! Looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.\nTerrance: It sure does Phillip. No one will oppress our religion here.\nScene Description: Farts.\nPhillip: AAAAAH!\nScene Description: Laughter. The boys are now enjoying their Cheesy Poofs.\nPhillip: Aaah! You stained my pilgrim hat butt-pipe!\nCartman: Did you guys see that? That was sweet.\nTV announcer: Coming up next on the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance, and laughs.\nKyle: Oh, cool.\nTV announcer: And now a word from our sponsor.\nSally Struthers: Here in the heart of Africa children are dying. Not from disease or war, but from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.\nStan: Hey, who's that fat chick?\nKyle: Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House.\nStan: Oh.\nSally Struthers: You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce.\nStan: Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.\nKyle: Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.\nCartman: Yeah, HEY!\nSally Struthers: For just five dollars a month you can sponsor a child.\nCartman: That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?\nSally Struthers: Sponsor now and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.\nCartman: KICK ASS!!\nStan: SWEET!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nStan: I'll call. I know my mom's credit card number.\nScene Description: Stan dials up the number.\nKyle: Did they say if it's waterproof?\nStan: Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?\nScene Description: Listens for the answer.\nStan: Oh.\nKyle: What did she say?\nStan: Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.\nKyle: Ass-rammer.\nStan: Yeah? Yeah. We want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.\nCartman: When do we get the sports watch?\nStan: Just a second fat-ass!\nCartman: You vas-deferens!\nStan: Hello? No, no, it's a ma- [To his friends, confused.] Vas-deferens?\nKenny: (Dude, it's a pipe for your peepee)\nStan: Oh.\nKyle: Ask her if we get the watch right away.\nStan: Do we get the sports watch right away?\nScene Description: Pause.\nStan: She says we do.\nAll: Cool.\nCartman: I get to wear it first, you guys.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom.\nKyle: I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.\nCartman: Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said.\nMr. Garrison: Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?\nScene Description: Cartman raises his hand.\nMr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?\nCartman: When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?\nMr. Garrison: Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.\nScene Description: Eric listens.\nMr. Garrison: A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.\nStan: You mean, like Kenny?\nMr. Garrison: Exactly.\nCartman: Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?\nMr. Garrison: [Impatiently.] I don't know Eric, they just do.\nScene Description: Kyle sniffs at Kenny. Kenny withdraws.\nMr. Garrison: Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.\nCartman: I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!\nWendy: Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!\nCartman: Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!\nWendy: This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!\nCartman: Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that, that I pay for?!\nWendy: Many would rather die than go to those places!\nCartman: Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!\nMr. Garrison: Okay kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson, right Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was the second?\nScene Description: A pack of wild turkeys burst into the classroom.\nClyde: Aaaah!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison climbs atop his desk.\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is going on?!\nScene Description: The turkeys are tearing up the classroom. One of them rips up a Thanksgiving poster and takes it with him.\nClyde: Aaaah!\nScene Description: A turkey overturns Clyde's desk, dumping Clyde on the ground. Some others vandalize the blackboard. Just as suddenly as they entered, the turkeys exit, closing the door behind them. Silence ensues.\nMr. Garrison: Well, you don't see that everyday.\nScene Description: City Hall.\nMayor McDaniels: Okay. Now, once we have all the canned foods collected we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.\nAide 2: It should be something festive.\nScene Description: Mephesto and Kevin burst into the office.\nMephesto: Mayor, we've got a very big problem.\nMayor McDaniels: Ahh, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?\nMephesto: Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake. I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving.\nMayor McDaniels: [Warily.] Uh huh.\nMephesto: You know, to provide food for the needy.\nMayor McDaniels: [Sarcastically.] Of course.\nScene Description: Aide 1 glances at her.\nMephesto: Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free. And the worst part is, they're REALLY pissed off.\nScene Description: Mayor McDaniels twirls her chair around and twirls her finger 'round her ear.\nMayor McDaniels: Naturally.\nScene Description: Her aides snicker, then she turns again.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, do go on.\nMephesto: We have to stop them or, or they could destroy everything. Time is short.\nScene Description: Mayor McDaniels turns around and pulls out a cuckoo clock, which chimes a couple of times. Her aides snicker. Aide 2 has his ears wiggling. She puts the clock away and the aide stops his ears.\nScene Description: Mayor McDaniels faces Mephesto again.\nMayor McDaniels: You were saying?\nMephesto: They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.\nMayor McDaniels: [With feigned shock.] Oh, my!\nScene Description: Turns around and pulls out a donkey, which heehaws a couple of times. Her aides chuckle.\nScene Description: Mephesto having observed how the Mayor was reacting to him.\nMephesto: Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.\nMayor McDaniels: Uh now why would you say that?\nScene Description: Cartman's house. The kids burst through the front door.\nEverybody: Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?\nCartman: I get to use it first you guys! Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?\nLiane: [Peeks.] Not yet hon.\nStan: Damn.\nKyle: Hey, look you guys.\nTV announcer: And now, back to Part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special.\nScene Description: They are in a snowed-in town.\nTerrance: I sure am cold, Phillip.\nPhillip: Yes, and hungry too. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.\nTerrance: Gosh, I hope we don't starve.\nScene Description: Phillip farts a high one and Terrance laughs.\nPhillip: Ah, a squeaker!\nScene Description: The boys laugh and then the doorbell rings, and a couple of knocks follow. The boys stand stiff not knowing what to do until...\nScene Description: Kyle bolts to the door.\nKyle: The digital sports watch is here.\nScene Description: The kids open the door smiling in anticipation. An emaciated Ethiopian kid stands looking back at them, with baggage in hand. Their smiles turn into surprises. The postal truck takes off.\nCartman: What the hell?\nStan: Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.\nKyle: Hey, it looks like one of those Etheropians.\nStan: Oh man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch.\nKyle: Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid.\nScene Description: The Ethiopian 'speaks' and clicks something.\nKyle: Whoa! That was cool.\nStan: Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?\nKyle: What's your name dude?\nScene Description: The Ethiopian kid clicks something ending with,\nKid: Mabin.\nStan: I think he said his name is Marvin.\nCartman: Yeah, Starvin' Marvin.\nScene Description: Kyle steps out with Stan and shakes Marvin's hand.\nKyle: Nice to meet you Starvin' Marvin.\nCartman: Hey mooom?\nLiane: Yes hon?\nCartman: We found a Etheropian, can we keep him?\nLiane: Sure, hon.\nCartman: Sweet.\nScene Description: Cartman steps outside with Kenny.\nStan: Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.\nKyle: Come on Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother.\nCartman: No no! He's my son! I adopted him.\nStan: It was my mom's credit card.\nKyle: Okay, okay, wewe'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's, then with me.\nCartman: Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.\nKyle: Totally.\nScene Description: Kenny slugs Cartman.\nCartman: Ahh!\nScene Description: Stark's Pond. A couple is walking near the pond. Romantic music is playing.\nWoman: Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful.\nMan: Not as beautiful as you.\nWoman: [Swooning.] Ooooh.\nScene Description: The couple embraces and kisses as a horde of turkeys storm the pond. The guy hears them and looks over her shoulder.\nMan: Oh darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.\nWoman: Oohh, they're so beautiful.\nMan: Not as beautiful as you.\nWoman: Look at the way they foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer.\nMan: Not as beautiful as-\nScene Description: The turkeys attack the couple, stripping their clothes off. Screams are heard as the turkeys overwhelm the couple.\nScene Description: King Jimmy's All You Can Eat Buffet. The price is right. The boys and their families are there with Marvin.\nStan: This is a great way for you to experience America Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.'\nCartman: Yeah. Here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family 'cause to them $6.99 is two-years income.\nScene Description: The crowd laughs.\nCartman: Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?\nScene Description: A waiter places a plate of shrimp in front of Cartman.\nCartman: You see Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers.\nMarvin: Ap-ee-tizer.\nCartman: This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry.\nScene Description: A waiter approaches with plates of ham, turkey, and drumsticks.\nCartman: Welp, food is here, that's it for the appetizers.\nScene Description: He tosses the plate of shrimp into a trash can. The shrimp don't make it in. He, Liane, and Stan work on the drumsticks, Randy slices into the turkey, and Kyle is slicing some ham for himself (!). Marvin reaches for a pot-pie on Cartman's plate.\nCartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.\nStan: Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share.\nCartman: Oh yeah, you're right.\nScene Description: eyes a slice of pie sitting before Marvin.\nScene Description: Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, man? [Heading to a whisper.] Just slide that right on over here. Let me just have some of that here...\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom.\nMr. Garrison: Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive.\nScene Description: He reaches into the box of canned goods.\nMr. Garrison: And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn?\nScene Description: The class stares back blankly.\nMr. Garrison: Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.\nScene Description: Silence. Mr. Garrison begins laughing.\nMr. Garrison: Corny...Gravy...Corny Thanksgiving, hoo. Hahhaa. Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell.\nStan: Yeah, yeah, we do!\nCartman: Yeah, that's right.\nKyle: We do!\nMr. Garrison: All right boys, show us what you've brought.\nScene Description: The boys walk to the front of the class with Marvin.\nKyle: This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin.\nScene Description: Marvin looks inside the food box.\nStan: He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin.\nScene Description: Marvin pulls out a can of food.\nScene Description: Cartman takes it away and puts it back.\nCartman: No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn.\nScene Description: Marvin takes it back out.\nCartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!\nMr. Garrison: Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?\nStan: He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.\nMr. Garrison: The sports watch from the commercial?\nKyle: Yeah, that one.\nBebe: I want a Starvin' Marvin.\nClyde: Me too.\nPip: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.\nClass: Yeah, I want one too, yeah me, me.\nMr. Garrison: Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned.\nKyle: Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's Office.\nPrincipal Victoria: Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.\nScene Description: She hangs up the phone and addresses the boys.\nPrincipal Victoria: Now boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.\nStan: No.\nPrincipal Victoria: You can't care for this child!\nKyle: But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's life. You're supposed to just send money, and once in a while they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park.\nStan: So why can't he live here now?\nPrincipal Victoria: Because he can't!\nKyle: Because why?\nPrincipal Victoria: Because eight-year olds can't be parents!\nKyle: Then you take care of him.\nPrincipal Victoria: [on the spot] I can't, I, umm...I'm very busy.\nScene Description: Silence.\nPrincipal Victoria: I send my five dollars a month, see?\nScene Description: Demonstrating her Teiko watch.\nStan: This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.\nCartman: Oh well, back to the poor country with you.\nKyle: You better watch what you say Cartman! You might be poor and hungry some day.\nCartman: B-huh, huh. Yeah, right.\nScene Description: Genetic Engineering Ranch.\nMephesto: I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me Chef.\nChef: Yeah, well, let's get it over with. This place gives me the booboojeebees.\nMephesto: Look here in my microscope; tell me what you see.\nChef: Uhh, I seee...an extreme close up of ...Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.\nMephesto: Oh, whoops.\nScene Description: He quickly switches slides.\nMephesto: Now tell me what you see.\nChef: Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.\nMephesto: Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.\nChef: What does it mean?\nMephesto: Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world.\nChef: Oh, fudge!\nScene Description: Chef ponders for a moment.\nChef: Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.\nMephesto: Sure.\nScene Description: He switches slides again.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Marvin is sitting alone on the couch watching TV. Secret service agents enter the house. Outside, a helicopter flies around with its searchlight on.\nAgent 1: Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch.\nScene Description: Marvin points towards Cartman's room. The agents go forth.\nCartman: Hey, hey, what's going on?!\nScene Description: The agents have him in a duffle bag and are dragging him out of the house.\nCartman: Hey, let go of me! God-! Ey! I'll kick you in the nuts. D'you hear me?!\nScene Description: Returning to Marvin.\nAgent 1: Here's your sports watch son, sorry for the mix-up.\nCartman: Hey! Hey seriously! Hey, you're pissing me off, Starvin' Marvin!\nScene Description: A truck door closes.\nMarvin: Sweet.\nScene Description: Outside the Library.\nMayor McDaniels: So how does this thing work?\nAide: Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The POV inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.\nMayor McDaniels: POVVVV?\nAide: Poverty stricken citizen.\nMayor McDaniels: Ohhoho, brilliant.\nScene Description: A horde of turkeys rush the square and attack a fake turkey and a Pilgrim hat.\nMayor McDaniels: Daah!! What the hell is this!!\nScene Description: The turkeys go through the crowd attacking people.\nAide: I don't know mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program.\nScene Description: Mephesto joins them.\nMephesto: They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.\nChef: It's a, Ih-ihit's true mayor! Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!\nScene Description: A platoon of turkeys march by.\nChef: Whooa! You won't get away with this, you bastards!\nKyle: Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!\nScene Description: Mayor McDaniels, alarmed, steps up to the mic.\nMayor McDaniels: OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD!\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned enter, armed with rifles. They start firing away, and turkeys go down left and right.\nMephesto: We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!\nScene Description: Cartman's House. Marvin is taking up Cartman's habits. On TV, Terrance and Phillip are reenacting the first Thanksgiving.\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?\nPhillip: Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon.\nScene Description: Terrance attempts to squeeze one off.\nTerrance: Huh, eh,\nScene Description: Phillip offers to help.\nTerrance: wait wait wait.\nScene Description: He tries some more.\nTerrance: Eh, eh.\nScene Description: And some more.\nTerrance: Here it comes, ehhhh.\nScene Description: A long squeeky fart bursts forth.\nTerrance: Daaaah, I crapped in my pants!\nPhillip: Aaaah.\nScene Description: Laughter.\nPhillip: I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.\nScene Description: Laughter.\nTerrance: I spattered his face!\nScene Description: Laughter.\nPhillip: Now he's a smelly Indian.\nScene Description: Laughter.\nTV announcer: We'll be back to part 14 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, right after this.\nSally Struthers: Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support.\nScene Description: Cartman walking around in the background.\nCartman: Hey, somebody get me out of here! This sucks!\nSally Struthers: So please, call and adopt a child today.\nCartman: I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!!\nLiane: You want some more Cheesy Poofs hon?\nMarvin: Yeah, I want da Cheesy Poof.\nLiane: Okay.\nMarvin: Sweet.\nScene Description: Ethiopian Desert. A vulture is flying overhead, awaiting its next meal to die.\nCartman: Eh, This is serious bullshit! There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere.\nScene Description: He approaches a group of Ethiopians.\nCartman: Excuse me, I am a lost little boy, could you help me?\nScene Description: They stare back blankly.\nCartman: Well, screw you too!\nScene Description: Suddenly in a swarm of flies.\nCartman: What the?! Who the hell let all these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?!\nScene Description: He walks away.\nScene Description: The Library. The B and second R have slipped a bit.\nMayor McDaniels: All right everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor, haa.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nStan: Hey, where's Cartman?\nKyle: I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin?\nScene Description: Marvin shrugs.\nMayor McDaniels: Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nMayor McDaniels: Come on, hurry up.\nScene Description: Kenny enters the \"Grab-O-Lux\"\nCarol McCormick: Grab a lot son.\nMayor McDaniels: Have a happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!\nScene Description: Air is pumped in to raise the cans, but Kenny goes up as well and floats around. Status indicator flash on and off.\nMayor McDaniels: Cuhome on, grab those cans little boy!\nStan, Kyle: Come on, Kenny!\nScene Description: Stuart waving his beer bottle.\nStuart McCormick: Come on, son!\nMayor McDaniels: Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family.\nScene Description: She switches off the Grab-o-lux with the remote control, and Kenny and the cans drop to the floor. He gets up and exits.\nMayor McDaniels: It...looks like he got a... a-a can of- string beans. Hehe.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers, but the sound of turkeys fills the air.\nChef: What the-?!\nStan: Dude, the mutant turkeys are back!\nScene Description: The turkeys charge over a hill.\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay people, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos.\nMephesto: I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.\nScene Description: Chef comes up and addresses the crown.\nChef: Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your...\nScene Description: Chef looks down at Mephesto's companion, Kevin. The turkeys continue their attack.\nChef: What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?\nMephesto: That's not important right now.\nChef: No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything.\nMayor McDaniels: Chef, the turkeys!\nChef: Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry!\nScene Description: The turkeys continue their attack.\nChef: We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.\nScene Description: Ethiopian Desert. Cartman walks slowly.\nCartman: Damn, you guys, seriously, I'm hungry. I have to eat.\nScene Description: He sees a Red Cross van is in the distance. Ethiopians gather round it.\nCartman: Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!\nScene Description: He approaches the van.\nCartman: I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.\nRed Cross dude: Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding.\nScene Description: The female partner is putting some things away.\nCartman: What?!\nRed Cross dude: We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up.\nCartman: But I'm not a starving Etheropian! I have to get back home too!\nScene Description: Now behind the van ready to leave.\nRed Cross dude: Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here, have a Teiko sports watch.\nScene Description: He tosses Cartman a watch and hops into the van. The van drives off.\nCartman: WEEEEEEAK!!!\nScene Description: In the woods near South Park. The screen is reduced to a wide screen format, so you know a movie reference is coming. The town is assembled for battle as the Mayor speaks.\nMayor McDaniels: People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.\nTownsperson 1: There's too many of them.\nMayor McDaniels: Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?!\nTownsperson 2: We can't stop them.\nScene Description: Chef rides up on a brown steed. His face is painted blue and white. He is wearing Scottish garb, wielding a sword and shield à la Braveheart.\nChef: Today, you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us! These fudged up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take...our FREEDOM!!!\nScene Description: Now pumped for battle.\nCrowd: Wooo, yeahhh, woo.\nScene Description: On a nearby hill the pack of turkeys is gathered together. One turkey is also painted in blue and white.\nLeader turkey: Gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble. Gob, gobble. Gob, gob, gob, Gobble!!\nScene Description: The other turkeys gobble like mad, then sally forth. The town residents stand ready for battle as the turkeys descend into the valley.\nKyle: Here you go turkeys!\nScene Description: Kyle moons the turkey forces.\nScene Description: The town force descends, the mayor and an aide stay behind.\nMayor McDaniels: Does my hair look okay?\nScene Description: Ethiopian Desert. The vulture still circles...\nCartman: Can't go on... need... appetizer... eh...\nScene Description: He looks up to the sky for relief.\nCartman: I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry I mocked poor people. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive. Please, Please God, uhh.\nScene Description: He falls forward to the ground. After a few seconds he lifts his head.\nCartman: Heh, my god has forsaken me. Eh, err.\nScene Description: He sees something. A lone building stands in the distance. Cartman approaches. A sign reads, \"No Admittance\".\nCartman: Huh, I wonder what's in here?\nScene Description: Cartman opens the door and faces towers of Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Boogie Bars and Veal Roll-Ups. \"Alleluyah\" is playing. Cartman stands in awe, then is overjoyed.\nCartman: SNACKY CAKES!! MMMM!\nScene Description: He rubs up against them lovingly. He sees a large-screen TV and a potted plant, and walks towards them. He then looks to his right and sees Sally Struthers feasting on some cake and two Ethiopians fanning her with palm fronds. She sees him and stops eating. Cartman is mad.\nCartman: Sally Struthers?!\nSally Struthers: Who the hell are you?!\nCartman: Gimme that cake!\nSally Struthers: Nooho, this is my cake!\nCartman: No Sally Struthers, you gimme that cake!\nSally Struthers: NOO! You can't have any!\nCartman: No Sally Struthers, that's my cake eh-ehhhh!\nScene Description: After some more whining he opens the door and sees some Ethiopians passing by.\nCartman: You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!!!\nScene Description: They turn to look at him.\nSally Struthers: Uh oh.\nScene Description: She just can't eat that cake fast enough.\nScene Description: South Park Forest. The battle continues. The turkeys fight valiently, but many are falling. Ike beheads a turkey. Marvin looks on and scratches his head.\nChef: Stay close children.\nScene Description: His shield blocks one turkey as he slays another.\nStan, Kyle, Kenny: Yeaaa!\nScene Description: The turkeys rush towards Kenny.\nKenny: (O-Oh.)\nScene Description: One turkey manages to extract Kenny's eyeball as the others kill him outright. They speed away with pieces of him.\nStan: Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nJimbo: The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned.\nScene Description: Ned picks off the remaining three birds.\nStan: We did it!!\nScene Description: As the town celebrates, some townsfolk are still beating on the birds, one of them with a large mallet.\nMephesto: My God, what have we done?\nChef: We've saved Thanksgiving!\nMephesto: But all those poor turkeys, theh- they're all dead.\nChef: Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.\nMephesto: As horrible as they were theh- they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should-\nChef: Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nScene Description: Two secret service agents approach Chef and Barbrady, ignoring the carnage.\nAgent 2: Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.\nScene Description: Showing a picture of Marvin.\nAgent 1: Have you seen anyone fitting this description.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town mister.\nScene Description: Marvin approaches the two agents.\nAgent 1: There you are. Are you ready to go home now?\nScene Description: Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, then at Chef, then at Officer Barbrady. He quickly shakes an affirmative. The agents lead him away, but he turns back to get some turkeys. Stan and Kyle look on as Kenny's corpse lies motionless behind them.\nStan: Wow, it sucks he has to leave.\nKyle: Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman.\nStan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people.\nScene Description: Kenny's head moves.\nStan: But they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.\nKyle: Yeah.\nScene Description: A rat moves in and out of Kenny's empty eye socket, then scurries away.\nKyle: And that means that McGyver is a real person too.\nScene Description: Ethiopian Desert. Three Red Cross workers are present.\nRed Cross Chick: We're terribly sorry about the mix-up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately.\nCartman: That's right you will, God-Damnit.\nScene Description: A male agent checks his watch.\nCartman: Move it POVs, I'm an American!\nScene Description: A plane lands. Marvin exits the plane.\nEthiopian: A baba, gluck gluck bababab ga.\nMarvin: Baba gook gook ba.\nScene Description: The cargo door lowers in back of the plane and a bunch of dead turkeys fall out. The Ethiopians grab the turkeys and raise Marvin on their shoulders in triumph. They march away, passing by a spit on which Sally Struthers has been tied, with an apple in her mouth.\nSally Struthers: (What are you doing? Let me off of here!)\nScene Description: Kenny's House.\nStuart: Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen.\nCarol: Amen.\nScene Description: She takes a brief look around.\nCarol: Does anybody have a can opener?\nStuart: God Damn-it."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The kids are gathered on stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym.\nClass: We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year!\nScene Description: Stan steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage.\nStan: Lights, please.\nScene Description: The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14).\nStan: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born unto you this day in the city of ...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord. Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men' And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus.\nScene Description: Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.\nWendy: Unh [labored breathing] Oh!\nKyle: Come on, Mary! Push!\nWendy: Aaaah!\nKyle: I can see its head!\nWendy: UUuuhh-UUuuhh.\nScene Description: A doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it.\nKyle: It's a boy!\nScene Description: Unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong.\nCartman: Oohhhh!\nKenny: (Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)\nMr. Garrison: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?\nKyle: ...Sorry.\nMr. Garrison: And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.\nWendy: Okay.\nScene Description: Sheila approaches Mr. Garrison.\nSheila: Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!\nMr. Garrison: Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head.\nScene Description: Mary and Joseph are now looking at them argue.\nSheila: How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!\nScene Description: Kyle drops his head.\nMr. Garrison: ...So?\nSheila: So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?\nMr. Garrison: Because it's Christmas???\nSheila: Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.\nScene Description: All the kids gasp.\nMr. Garrison: Oh god, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?\nSheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!\nCartman: Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!\nScene Description: Kyle shoots back.\nKyle: Shut up, fat boy!\nCartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.\nStan: Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?\nMr. Garrison: Oh-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?\nSheila: How about the dreidel song, bubbe?\nKyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...\nMr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?\nKyle: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo he loves me and I love y-\nStan: Christmas Poo?\nCartman: What the hell is Christmas Poo?\nKyle: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?\nSheila: Kyle, that is enough!\nMr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.\nSheila: Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison interrupts and follows her\nMr. Garrison: Oh wait wait wait. I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?\nScene Description: Wendy gets up.\nWendy: You guys, look! It's snowing!\nScene Description: Snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.\nScene Description: In the school playground.\nStan: Whoa, Christmas snow!\nWendy: Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.\nScene Description: A soft instrumental starts up.\nWendy: It's fun.\nScene Description: The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.\nScene Description: Cartman is watching with glee.\nKenny: P'tooui.\nStan: That was sick, dude!\nScene Description: Cartman seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake.\nCartman: Hey!\nScene Description: Kyle is taken aback\nCartman: What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!\nKyle: We can, too!\nStan: ...Nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.\nKyle: Officer Barbrady!\nOfficer Barbrady: What?\nScene Description: A car screeches to a halt as Officer Barbrady raises his arm.\nKyle: Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?\nScene Description: After a long pause.\nOfficer Barbrady: Yyess.\nKyle: Damnit!\nStan: Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.\nCartman: Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.\nKyle: No. But I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.\nCartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.\nStan: We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.\nScene Description: Stan walks off with Wendy and the others.\nKyle: Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.\nStan: Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?\nKyle: Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.\nCartman: Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.\nKyle: Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!\nCartman: You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle.\nScene Description: Cartman and walks away.\nStan: See you around, dude.\nScene Description: Stan follows Cartman away.\nScene Description: Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays.\nKyle: It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas My friends won't let me join in any games And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity I'm a Jew A lonely Jew On Christmas...\nScene Description: He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a tree. Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now forming on Santa's left.\nKyle: Channukah is nice, but why is it That Santa passes over my house every year? And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please? I'm a Jew A lonely Jew I'd be merry But I'm Hebrew On Christ-maas.\nScene Description: He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.\nScene Description: Outside City Hall a crowd gathers.\nMayor McDaniels: Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.\nLarge woman: Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!\nSome men: No! Wrong!\nScene Description: Kyle appearing among his friends.\nKyle: What's going on, you guys?\nStan: The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.\nSheila: That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!\nMr. Garrison: You are the Jewish community!\nCrowd: Yeah! Yeah!\nCartman: Oh, boy! Super-bitch is at it again!\nKyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!\nFather Maxi: Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers in agreement.\nWoman: Hallelujah!\nMan: Amen!\nTree hugger: And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!\nMan 1: Raah!\nMan 2: Give me a break!\nUncle Jimbo: And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.\nScene Description: The crowd processes Jimbo's words.\nCrowd: Yeah! Yeah!\nMayor McDaniels: Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.\nAssistant 1: Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!\nScene Description: The crowd mulls over the suggestion.\nKyle: Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?\nMayor McDaniels: Ex-cuse me?\nKyle: Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.\nSheila: Kyle! Sshhh!\nKyle: It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are. Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo he loves me and I love you Therefore, vicariously he loves you Even if-\nCartman: [stopping Kyle] Never mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.\nKenny: (Kyle's crazy!)\nStan: Yeah.\nSheila: Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww.\nScene Description: Sheila drags him away.\nKyle: Wait...\nMayor McDaniels: Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison raises his hand.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?\nScene Description: Looks back, then.\nMayor McDaniels: No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.\nMr. Garrison: Rats!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad.\nGerald Broflovski: It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!\nScene Description: Sheila pops out from behind Gerald.\nSheila: Your father's right, Kyle.\nGerald: Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!\nScene Description: Sheila pops out again.\nSheila: Listen to your father, Kyle.\nScene Description: The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn.\nGerald: Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'.\nKyle: But dad, he always sh...\nGerald: Say it!\nKyle: There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.\nGerald: Again!\nKyle: There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.\nScene Description: Sheila pops out again.\nSheila: This is for your own good, bubbe.\nGerald: Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!\nKyle: [softly, under his breath] Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.\nGerald: What did you say?!\nScene Description: Kyle enters his room.\nKyle: I said Ike's on fire!\nIke: Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?\nSheila: OH MY GOD!\nScene Description: Gerald quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth.\nKyle: It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!\nScene Description: A voice is echoing from the toilet\nVoice: Kyle.\nScene Description: Kyle faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth.\nKyle: I'm not hearing that.\nVoice: Kyle.\nScene Description: Kyle hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey?\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey pops up and makes his entrance wearing white gloves and a red elf cap.\nMr. Hankey: Howwwwdy-hoooo.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey jumps onto the sink.\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.\nKyle: [now wary] Go away, Mr. Hankey.\nMr. Hankey: You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.\nKyle: I said go away! My father said you aren't real.\nMr. Hankey: Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?\nScene Description: He begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind.\nMr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way He's loaded goodies on his sleigh To drop them off on Christmas Day And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.\nMr. Hankey: Folks'll gather round the fire sing a song, stroll the choir Pretty song they'll all retire And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.\nScene Description: He leaves 'NOEL' written in poop on the vanity mirror.\nScene Description: Gerald knocks on the door.\nGerald: Kyle, what are you doing in there?\nKyle: Nothing.\nScene Description: He knocks again.\nGerald: Open this door!\nMr. Hankey: I hope that Santa comes real soon I've been waiting for some we...\nKyle: Mr. Hankey, come here.\nScene Description: Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey and muffles him, and turns as Gerald opens the door. Gerald sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless.\nGerald: KYLE!\nScene Description: Kyle throttles the poo.\nKyle: Say something, Mr. Hankey!\nScene Description: It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken.\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed.\nGerald: Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!\nSheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?!\nScene Description: Gerald looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey is now on Kyle's comforter.\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho!\nKyle: Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?\nMr. Hankey: You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.\nKyle: Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.\nMr. Hankey: Aw, gee, that's too bad.\nKyle: Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.\nMr. Hankey: Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.\nKyle: Yeah! We'll show them!\nScene Description: Kyle smiles, pleased with the idea.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park.\nMayor McDaniels: Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!\nScene Description: The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street.\nScene Description: Uncle Jimbo calls forth from his shop.\nUncle Jimbo: Is mistletoe offensive?\nMayor McDaniels: Is anyone offended by mistletoe?\nScene Description: One man raises his hand.\nMayor McDaniels: Lose the mistletoe!\nScene Description: Jimbo clips it off.\nScene Description: Bus stop.\nStan: You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!\nCartman: How do you know?\nStan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.\nCartman: Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.\nStan: What's that?\nCartman: I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.\nScene Description: Kyle arrives.\nKyle: Hello, everybodyyy.\nStan: What's in the box, dude?\nKyle: It's a surprise.\nCartman: Let me see!\nScene Description: The boys gather around the box.\nKyle: O-Okay. But don't scare him...\nScene Description: A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink.\nStan: [angrily] Dude, sick!!!\nScene Description: Kyle looks down at his poo.\nCartman: Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?\nKenny: (That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)\nKyle: Wait! You guys! He's alive!\nScene Description: Kyle jostles the box.\nStan: Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.\nScene Description: Kyle is shaking the box now.\nKyle: Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!\nScene Description: Research Center, a Researcher is shown before at least six subjects.\nResearcher: Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?\nScene Description: The group looks back at him.\nResearcher: Here we go: Christ\nScene Description: Two responses.\nResearcher: Hm. Okay. Cherub.\nScene Description: No response.\nResearcher: Hm... Camel\nScene Description: One response.\nResearcher: Hm. Sad.\nScene Description: No response.\nResearcher: Stupid Wop Dago.\nScene Description: All respond.\nResearcher: Bench...\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations.\nMr. Garrison: Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?\nJanitor 2: Mayor's orders.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.\nCartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.\nKyle: Shut up, Cartman!\nMr. Garrison: So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.\nScene Description: Cartman raises his hand.\nMr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?\nCartman: How about we sing \"Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch\", in D minor.\nKyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!\nCartman: O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.\nKyle: Shut up, Cartman!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey pops to life.\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho!\nKyle: [hushed] Mr. Hankey.\nCartman: Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!\nScene Description: The class is clapping along gleefully by now, while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire.\nMr. Hankey: Golly, that isn't very nice.\nScene Description: Kyle turns to hear him.\nMr. Hankey: I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off beat.\nCartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BIIIIII-I-I-ITCH - aahh.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey, no!\nMr. Hankey: Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey attacks Cartman.\nMr. Garrison: What the...\nScene Description: The poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps.\nCartman: Gross, Kyle!\nMr. Garrison: Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?\nKyle: Uuuuuuhh...\nCartman: YOU SICK BASTARD!\nScene Description: Some snickers are heard.\nScene Description: The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Kyle and Mr. Mackey. Another student waits outside.\nMr. Mackey, Jr.: Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?\nKyle: I don't have a problem.\nMr. Mackey: Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.\nKyle: What's that?\nMr. Mackey: Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.\nKyle: Mookie-stinks?\nMr. Mackey: Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?\nKyle: Wull, not on purpose.\nMr. Mackey: So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?\nKyle: Well, sometimes...\nMr. Mackey: And that must make you mad.\nKyle: Well sure.\nMr. Mackey: Mad enough to kill, Kyle???\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey looks at him up close.\nKyle: No, dude!\nMr. Mackey: Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?\nKyle: But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...\nMr. Mackey: Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey sips from his coffee cup, Mr. hankey is now bathing in the cup.\nMr. Hankey: Kyle!\nScene Description: Kyle lowers his head.\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho.\nScene Description: Kyle is shocked.\nMr. Mackey: Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?\nScene Description: Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation. Mr. Hankey is still bathing in Mr. Mackey's coffee.\nMr. Hankey: Santa's loaded up his sleigh flying around his merry way...\nMr. Mackey: To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac...\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey notices the poo in his cup and gasps.\nMr. Mackey: Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!\nScene Description: Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...\nStudents: Hhmm.\nMr. Garrison: ...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?\nScene Description: a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over...\nMr. Garrison: Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.\nScene Description: Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot.\nMr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's practice our...\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey rushes in, followed by Kyle.\nMr. Mackey: No! Get away from me!\nKyle: Here. Just look more closely at it.\nMr. Mackey: No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! M'kay?\nScene Description: South Park Mental House.\nStan: Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.\nNurse: Reason?\nKyle: I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.\nNurse: Any allergies?\nKyle: No.\nNurse: Jacket!\nScene Description: Two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while.\nCartman: Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?\nScene Description: They do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience.\nArtsy Man: Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.\nHis Date: Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!\nSheila: Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.\nScene Description: Sheila is now sobbing.\nScene Description: South Park Mental House.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play Second verse, same as the first Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage.\nMC: Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...\nMan 1: [pointing] Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.\nUncle Jimbo: Oh, come on!\nMan 1: Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!\nRandy Marsh: I agree.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison peeks through the curtain.\nMr. Garrison: Oh brother.\nScene Description: He steps back.\nMr. Garrison: Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?\nScene Description: Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing.\nMr. Garrison: And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.\nScene Description: Kenny looks down at the pool.\nKenny: (Hunh?)\nScene Description: He looks back at Mr. Garrison.\nMC: Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.\nChef: I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log I'm gonna love you right Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls And silence your nights.\nScene Description: Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe.\nChef: You'll hear the herald angels sing When I'm sliding off your bra I just can't wait to jingle your bells and falala your love... You can break my heart, and that means...\nStan: I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.\nChef: ...We should make love,\nCartman: Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.\nChef: ...'Cause if we don't-\nMr. Garrison: Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nMC: Thank you, Chef!\nScene Description: Kenny finally descends with the star.\nKenny: (Phew!)\nMC: And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!\nScene Description: Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around.\nVoice-over: As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.\nScene Description: A track saying \"Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy\" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused.\nVoice-over: How like a turtle the sun looks.\nSheila: What the hell is this???\nScene Description: The kids just keep moving and turning.\nSheila: This is horrible!!!\nFather Maxi: This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!\nMr. Garrison: You're the ones who made it this way!\nFather Maxi: Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.\nGerald: It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!\nElderly Tree Hugger: All you bastards ruined Christmas!\nScene Description: The crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap Father Maxi.\nGerald: Get him in the ribs!\nScene Description: Sheila punches Father Maxi.\nFather Maxi: Oof.\nScene Description: Picking up the elderly tree-hugger.\nMan in audience: Damn tree-hugger!\nScene Description: Tosses him away.\nStan: This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.\nWendy: Yeah.\nScene Description: Chef is now on stage behind the children.\nChef: Say, where's Kyle?\nStan: We committed him.\nChef: What? Why?\nCartman: 'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.\nChef: Chirstmas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.\nStan: Huh?! O-oh.\nScene Description: The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall.\nScene Description: A Mr. Hankey Commercial Plays.\nScene Description: Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have Father Maxi trapped again.\nStan: This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!\nChef: Well! You can believe in him now.\nScene Description: A woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now.\nWoman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.\nStan: I believe.\nScene Description: A piano begins to play softly.\nWendy: I believe in Mr. Hankey.\nScene Description: A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust.\nMr. Hankey: Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!\nScene Description: Everyone on stage gasps.\nMr. Hankey: Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.\nCartman, Stan: Whoa!!\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, Chef!\nChef: Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!\nCartman: Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home!\nScene Description: Moves toward stage left.\nCartman: Talking poo is where I draw the line!\nMr. Hankey: What's all the ruckus?\nChef: I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to kill each other.\nMr. Hankey: I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!\nScene Description: He sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him.\nMr. Hankey: STOP FIGHTING!!\nThe Mayor: Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?\nMr. Hankey: Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, \"Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies\".\nScene Description: Father Maxi finally gets up from the floor as a single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Gerald. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response.\nStan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.\nScene Description: South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room.\nKyle: I'm a Jew A lonely Jew...\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!\nScene Description: Thinking it's a hallucination.\nKyle: Oh no, I'm not sane yet!\nMr. Hankey: I brought some friends with me.\nKyle: Friends?\nScene Description: Kyle gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved.\nTownsfolk: Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!\nKyle: You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy?\nScene Description: The nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows.\nTownsfolk: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo...\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey kisses Kyle.\nTownsfolk: ...he loves me and I love you Therefore, vicariously he loves you...\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey begins tossing presents to everyone.\nTownsfolk: ...Even if you're a Jew\nMr. Pirrip: Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish-brown But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town\nTownsfolk: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo He loves me. I love you Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey, during the second chorus.\nMr. Hankey: Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas.\nScene Description: He floats up to meet Santa as he passes by.\nCartman: Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!\nSanta Claus: Howdy-ho ho ho!\nStan: You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that...Hanukkah can be cool, too.\nKyle: Yeah...[concerned] You know, it seems like something's still not right.\nScene Description: The camera pans over to Kenny.\nCartman: Yeah, something feels...unfinished.\nScene Description: Drum roll.\nStan: Wh-what could it be?\nScene Description: The drum roll heads for a climax.\nScene Description: THE END.\nKenny: (Yee he hee!)\nScene Description: End credits roll.\nScene Description: South Park Public Access. A light is on.\nScene Description: Jesus is on the Jesus and Pals set alone.\nJesus: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...\nScene Description: Jesus blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out.\nCartman: Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...\nKyle: What is this, Cartman?\nCartman: They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.\nStan: Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?\nCartman: Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday...\nKyle: Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever.\nCartman: That's right.\nStan: Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too.\nCartman: That's ri-aayy.\nPip: Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.\nCartman: [darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!\nScene Description: Pip smiles hopefully.\nCartman: I shoved it up my ass!\nScene Description: Pip's hopes are dashed.\nCartman: Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!\nScene Description: moves on\nCartman: Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...\nMr. Garrison: [excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day.\nCartman: No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.\nMr. Garrison: I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.\nCartman: Eeeeeeh!\nMr. Garrison: Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid, Damien] uh-uh, what's your name again?\nDamien Thorn: Damien!\nOminous voice: Rectus...dominus...\nScene Description: Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils.\nMr. Garrison: Say 'hi' to Damien! [Silence.] And where are you from, Damien?\nDamien: The seventh layer of hell!\nMr. Garrison: Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.\nScene Description: Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside.\nDamien: My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!\nOminous voice: ... rectus... cheesy poofs...\nMr. Garrison: Your father?\nDamien: The Prince of Darkness!\nMr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.\nScene Description: Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman.\nMr. Garrison: Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...\nCartman: Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?\nDamien: Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...\nCartman: Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?\nOminous voice: Rectus... dominus...\nScene Description: Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor.\nCartman: Byah. Oof!\nScene Description: The desk goes out the window. The class sits up.\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nOminous voice: Sancti...\nKyle: Damn, what a freak!\nCartman: [Getting up off the floor.] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!\nOminous voice: Cheesy poofs...\nDamien: Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.\nMr. Garrison: Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?\nScene Description: Damien blinks.\nCartman: Eheh. [Taunting.] You got in trouble, you got in trouble.\nScene Description: The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches.\nStan: Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?\nKyle: Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.\nCartman: Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.\nStan: Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.\nKyle: Yeah, that's weak!\nCartman: Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?\nStan: Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want.\nScene Description: Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away.\nCartman: Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.\nStan: Oh great, Green Mega Man it is.\nCartman: Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is.\nScene Description: Damien arrives.\nStan: Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?\nCartman: Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!\nDamien: Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!\nKyle: You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!\nScene Description: Damien walks off.\nCartman: Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him.\nCartman: Eeyy!\nScene Description: Damian walks over to where Pip is.\nPip: Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.\nDamien: Then I will call you Pip.\nPip: Right-o.\nStan: Hey new kid!\nScene Description: Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him.\nStan: Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.\nKenny: (Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)\nDamien: That does it! Woo-paah.\nScene Description: Points his index fingers at Kenny.\nOminous voice: ... rectus... dominus...\nScene Description: Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence.\nStan: What the... ?\nKyle: Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.\nStan: A what?\nKenny: Quack-quack.\nCartman: Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butt-hole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!\nScene Description: Chef comes up behind them.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nStan: Hey, Chef.\nChef: How's it going?\nKyle: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nKyle: Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.\nChef: Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song, We're all special in our own way everybody's different, but that's okay, 'cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin, different points of view, be tall or thin, it doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin,\nScene Description: A psychedelic scene appears behind him.\nChef: With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been,\nScene Description: He stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile.\nChef: Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...\nScene Description: He floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria\nChef: What were we talking about again?\nKyle: The new kid.\nScene Description: Damian is standing on a table.\nDamien: Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!\nOminous voice: Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs...\nScene Description: Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks...\nStan: Whoa!\nChef: Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!\nScene Description: ...Footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles...\nKyle: We told you, dude.\nScene Description: Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.\nChef: We've got to do something, children!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey flies by, then Kevin Stoley, then a cow. (think Twister)\nDamien: Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!\nOminous voice: ... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus...\nStan, Kyle: Jesus?\nScene Description: The set of Jesus and Pals. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in\nRoland: Two minutes to air, Jesus.\nJesus: Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash in.]\nStan: Jesus, Jesus!\nJesus: Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.\nStan: No no. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.\nKyle: Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.\nKenny: Quack-quack.\nJesus: Wow. That's pretty heavy.\nStan: This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you.\nJesus: The Dark Prince?\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Yeah.\nJesus: So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.\nStan: [To Kyle.] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.\nJesus: Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.\nKyle: ... K.\nScene Description: School playground\nGroundskeeper: Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!\nScene Description: Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and Brimmy, who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A boy with a blue hat joins them later\nCartman: Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money...\nScene Description: A football lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends Red into another student as Bebe looks on.\nOminous voice: Rectus... dominus... sancti...\nRed: Aaaaa Bebe!\nBebe: Our slide!\nDamien: Feel my wrath!\nScene Description: Damien sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off Kevin Stoley and Token.\nScene Description: Damien torches the hobby elephants. A boy with a brown hat screams as fire is set to the hobby elephant he's playing on.\nPip: [As Damien torches the hobby elephants.] Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.\nDamien: I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan!\nScene Description: He torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off.\nPip: Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.\nOminous voice: ... Rectus... cheesy poofs...\nJesus: Damien!\nDamien: Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!\nJesus: So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!\nDamien: Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.\nJesus: Let him come then. I shall stop him!\nDamien: Behold! He is already upon us! [Clouds begin to conceal the sun.\nKyle: Ohh, dude!\nSatan: Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.\nScene Description: Another whirlwind comes up.\nJimbo: What the hell's going on here?\nScene Description: A crowd begins to gather.\nFather Maxi: Look! It's that guy from the public access show!\nBlonde: What's happening?\nChef: Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!\nScene Description: Garrison leans onto him.\nChef: Not you, dammit!\nSatan: Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.\nDamien: Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!\nJesus: Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!\nJimbo: Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!\nScene Description: The Crowd disperses.\nStan: You're gonna fight Satan?\nJesus: This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.\nCommercial: Who will win our souls?\nScene Description: An hourglass spins on a horizontal axis.\nCommercial: Our Savior and Lord?\nScene Description: Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness.\nCommercial: Or the Prince of Darkness?\nScene Description: A red demon looms over several fleeing people.\nCommercial: It's the final battle between Good and Evil.\nScene Description: A black figure and a white one bump heads.\nCommercial: And it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial\nCartman: Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!\nKenny: Quack-quack.\nStan: [To Kyle.] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?\nCartman: Cartman's birthday!\nKyle: We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!\nCartman: You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.\nStan: Well, come on. We have to at least see the weigh-in.\nCartman: Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!\nScene Description: Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too\nFather Maxi: When is Satan gonna show up?\nScene Description: The boys rush up.\nStan: Did the Devil show up yet?\nJesus: Not yet.\nKyle: Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?\nJesus: ... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?\nCartman: Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.\nJesus: Oh.\nJimbo: We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nJesus: Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.\nFather Maxi: You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus.\nScene Description: More cheering. A pillar of fire appears.\nOminous Vocie: Rectus... dominus...\nJesus: Behold. The Evil One approaches.\nSatan: Yeah.\nScene Description: He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size.\nMr. Garrison: Holy poop on a stick!\nSatan: Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!\nStan: Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.\nJimbo: Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!\nSatan: Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!\nJesus: Oh - oh yeah??\nMan in crowd: Damn.\nSatan: I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.\nJesus: Oh yeah??\nScene Description: A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it.\nAnnouncer: Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.\nScene Description: The crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on.\nAnnouncer: Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz.\nScene Description: The crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment.\nChef: Ooh crap.\nJesus: Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.\nSatan: Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world.\nScene Description: The clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away.\nJimbo: [Holding his ticket up.] Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.\nFather Maxi: Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck.\nScene Description: The crowd breaks up.\nScene Description: The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races\nMan 1: Change my bet!\nMan 2: I'm betting on the Devil!\nJimbo: I wanna change my bet to Satan.\nNed: Me, too.\nMr. Garrison: Wai-wa I was here first.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in\nMr. Mackey: Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay?\nDamien: Everybody hates me!\nMr. Mackey: Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?\nDamien: Because I'm the son of the Devil?\nMr. Mackey: Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?\nDamien: Because I... burn them and kill them?\nMr. Mackey: Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. And no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, m'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.\nScene Description: The playground. Bebe, Kevin Stoley, Butters, and Clyde surround Pip.\nClyde: I bet I can spit the most on him.\nScene Description: Spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder.\nBebe: Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.\nScene Description: Spits, and it lands on his right eye.\nPip: Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.\nStan: Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'.\nCartman: [Sees Damien coming.] Oh, here comes the unholy butt-hole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!\nDamien: I apologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.\nScene Description: A sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien.\nCartman: [Farts and moves away.] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!\nScene Description: Damien is angry, but restrains himself.\nStan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.\nKyle: Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.\nStan: Bubye, Fart-boy.\nKyle: See ya.\nPip: Good day, Damien. How are you?\nDamien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me-\nPip: Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.\nScene Description: Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters\nJesus: Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-\nChef: Oh ooh.\nScene Description: A woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing.\nJesus: I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.\nScene Description: Two men at the bar look at each other.\nJesus: In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!\nFather Maxi: You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!\nJesus: Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!\nFather Maxi: Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.\nJesus: I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.\nFather Maxi: Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.\nJimbo: Yeah.\nFather Maxi: Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later.\nScene Description: Jesus turns and walks out.\nFather Maxi: What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, crazy.\nScene Description: Bill Allen and Fosse McDonald's fathers chortle behind him.\nMr. Allen: He's so gay.\nMr. McDonald: Yeah.\nScene Description: The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more.\nJesus: You're all a bunch of Judases!\nScene Description: Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny\nStan: Hey, Jesus.\nJesus: What are you doing out so late, kids?\nKyle: We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.\nJesus: Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?\nStan: Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.\nKyle: Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?\nJesus: No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?\nScene Description: Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present.\nReporter 1: Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?\nSatan: I will crush him like a little bug!\nReporter 2: Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War?\nScene Description: Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth.\nDon King: Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.\nScene Description: A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters.\nCartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?\nStan: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.\nJesus: No way, dude!\nChef: [In the ring.] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.\nStan: But you're his sparring partner, Chef.\nKyle: Yeah, you have to hit him.\nJesus: Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.\nChef: Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?\nJesus: Give it your best sho- [Poof.] Oh! [Falls back to the floor.]\nChef: Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!\nJesus: Anybody get the number of that truck? [Drops his head.]\nScene Description: Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard.\nLiane: Come on, kiddies. Eat more.\nScene Description: Cartman is greeting children as they come in with his presents.\nCartman: Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.\nChef: Yup! Here's your present, children.\nScene Description: Hands Cartman his gift.\nChef: Well, uh, nice party. Uh, see ya later.\nKyle: Hey, you just got here, Chef!\nChef: I know, but the fight is starting.\nStan: Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.\nScene Description: Liane turns to see what Stan said, and sees Chef.\nLiane: Mmmmm.\nChef: Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.\nScene Description: On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit.\nDamien: I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.\nPip: Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.\nDamien: The other kids have always hated you?\nPip: Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me.\nScene Description: Damien gets an idea.\nScene Description: South Park Forum.\nMichael Buffer: In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nMichael Buffer: And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!\nScene Description: The crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away.\nMichael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!\nReferee: Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles.\nScene Description: The bell rings.\nScene Description: Cartman's birthday party. A carny does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow.\nCartman: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?\nStan: Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.\nKyle: And neither were you, Pip!\nPip: Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-\nDamien: Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party.\nScene Description: His eyes flare up again.\nOminous voice: Rectus... dominus...\nScene Description: Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up.\nScene Description: Small demons grab Pip.\nOminous voice: ... Sancti... cheesy poofs...\nPip: Aaaa!\nScene Description: He is launched like a rocket.\nPip: Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!\nScene Description: He gives off fireworks.\nKyle: Wow!\nStan: Whoa, that was cool!\nScene Description: The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud.\nKyle: Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.\nCartman: Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased]\nScene Description: South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place.\nSatan: Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!\nScene Description: Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents.\nCartman: Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves.] And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.[She leaves.] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?! [Thumps the table in anger.]\nKyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.\nCartman: You son of a bitch! [Lunges towards Kyle.]\nKyle: [As he is pinned by Cartman.] Aaaaa!\nCartman: You were supposed to get me the red Mega Man, eh! Now I can't make the Ultra Mega Mega Man, you dirty cheap-ass piece of crap! [Slapping him around by now.]\nKyle: They were all out of 'em dude!\nCartman: I hate you! I want you to die! Die!!\nCartman: Aah! Aaaaaggghhhhh!!\nKyle: [Sobbing.] Aaaaaaaa!\nScene Description: Cartman gets up and moves toward the center of the yard.\nCartman: That's it! Party is over!\nScene Description: The kids look glum.\nCartman: Everybody go home!\nScene Description: He turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away.\nCartman: Get the hell out, I said! The party's over! Get out goddammt!!\nScene Description: The kids exit the backyard as Cartman announces that the party is over.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle stop.\nStan: Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!\nCartman: Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you!\nScene Description: Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house.\nDamien: Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.\nStan: [swings his left arm] Aaanh, he does this all the time.\nChef: Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!\nScene Description: Pip descends from above.\nPip: Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.\nScene Description: South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.\nJesus: Oh!\nScene Description: Backs up helplessly.\nSatan: Fight, dammit!\nScene Description: Gives him another right to the face.\nJesus: Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh!\nScene Description: Satan throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye.\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner.\nStan: Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [The round ends.] You've got to fight, Jesus.\nJesus: Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.\nKyle: Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you.\nJesus: It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.\nStan: Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. [Kyle looks at him.] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!\nKyle: Uuuuh. Stan?\nStan: Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!\nKyle: Stan.\nStan: She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!\nKyle: Stan!\nStan: [Turning to Kyle.] What?\nKyle: Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.\nStan: [Thinks a moment.] ... Really?\nKyle: Yeah, dude!\nStan: Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.\nScene Description: Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him.\nStan: You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'.\nJesus: ... Who said that?\nStan: You did, Jesus.\nScene Description: Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan.\nJesus: You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys!\nScene Description: He gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo.\nKyle: Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?\nStan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.\nKyle: Hmmm.\nScene Description: Satan takes a couple of swings at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them.\nSatan: Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!\nJesus: Okay, pal. You asked for it!\nScene Description: The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief.\nScene Description: Satan protecting his ribs.\nSatan: Ooooooh, you got me.\nScene Description: He drops flat on his back.\nReferee: One... Two... Three...\nJimbo: No way! He barely touched him!\nReferee: ... Seven... Eight.\nScene Description: Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again.\nReferee: ... Nine... Ten. You're out!\nScene Description: The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory.\nStan, Kyle: Our Savior!\nMichael Buffer: The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!\nScene Description: Satan pops right back up.\nMr. Garrison: Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!\nJimbo: Yeah!\nSatan: Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?\nScene Description: The crowd wonders.\nSatan: Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!\nScene Description: Satan dances out of the ring.\nFather Maxi: I don't believe this!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, what a mean thing to do!\nSatan: [Now on the Forum floor.] Farewell, fools!\nJimbo: Man, that guy is a jerk.\nScene Description: Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring.\nStan: [Over the microphone.] Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.\nMr. Garrison: Boy, did we get screwed.\nChef: Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?\nJesus: Aw heck. [Puts his halo back on.] Do I have a choice?\nScene Description: The crowd cheers with relief.\nJimbo: Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!\nScene Description: Kenny is highlighted.\nJimbo: Ih-it's comin' right for us!\nScene Description: Jimbo pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.\nKyle: You bastard!\nDamien: Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.\nScene Description: Rats swarm all over Kenny's head.\nStan: You're leaving already?\nDamien: I have to. My dad's always on the move.\nScene Description: The rats leave also.\nStan: Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.\nKyle: Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.\nStan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though.\nLiane: More pie, hon?\nCartman: Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the classroom.\nWendy: Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.\nStan: I know.\nWendy: Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.\nScene Description: Some sentimental music plays.\nStan: I can't afford a cruise, dude.\nWendy: I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise.\nScene Description: Cartman roars with hysterical laughter.\nStan: Shut up, Cartman!\nCartman: [still laughing] That is so-ho lame!\nScene Description: He settles down and wipes away some tears of joy.\nCartman: Oh man, I...\nWendy: -and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.\nScene Description: Cartman is roaring with laughter once again and falls off his chair.\nCartman: Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time.\nPrincipal Victoria: [Rushing in.] Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.\nScene Description: The class erupts in cheers.\nPrincipal Victoria: So you're going to have a substitute teacher.\nScene Description: The class sighs.\nPrincipal Victoria: And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.\nScene Description: Kyle raises his hand.\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, little boy?\nKyle: We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.\nPrincipal Victoria: ...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen.\nScene Description: She enters and stands before the class.\nMs. Ellen: [Brightly.] Hello, children.\nScene Description: The boys perk up.\nStan, Kyle: Whoa!\nCartman: [Slowly.] Wow, she's pretty.\nKenny: (Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)\nStan: You can say that again.\nKenny: (Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)\nPrincipal Victoria: Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria places it next to the apple.\nMs. Ellen: Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine.\nScene Description: The boys get dreamy and smile big, even Kenny.\nMs. Ellen: Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery,\nScene Description: The boys are in love.\nMs. Ellen: ...but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.\nScene Description: Wendy starts to notice.\nWendy: [Gasps.] Stan? Stan?!\nMs. Ellen: Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?\nCartman: [Brightly.] Yes, ma'am.\nMs. Ellen: Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.\nStan: Yeu-bluuuch.\nScene Description: Wendy is taken aback. Stan has barfed only for her before.\nMs. Ellen: [A moment later.] Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?\nCartman: Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.\nStan: I'll kick your ass, Cartman!\nScene Description: Wendy is sad.\nMs. Ellen: So you're alright?\nStan: Bluuuch.\nScene Description: Wendy looks forward, wondering why...\nKyle: Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!\nScene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty\nMr. Garrison: Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.\nTom: You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want.\nScene Description: Tom touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view emerges.\nMr. Garrison: Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: It sure is, Mr. Garrison!\nTom: Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this.\nScene Description: The nose on his image is shrunk.\nMr. Garrison: Hmmm.\nTom: Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this.\nScene Description: The nose is straightened.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, that's not bad.\nTom: Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this.\nScene Description: The nose is narrowed, at which point an image of David Hasselhoff appears. A flourish is added for effect.\nMr. Garrison: WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!\nTom: Alright-y then.\nScene Description: Tom resets the program. The computer turns itself off.\nTom: Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.\nMr. Garrison: I can live with that.\nTom: [Excitedly.] Alrighty then, let's get started!\nScene Description: They go off to the operating room.\nScene Description: The school playground. The kids are at play. The boys stand before the jungle gym.\nCartman: She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord, she was looking at me!\nKyle: Well that goes without saying, fat-ass, how could she help but look at you!\nStan: You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!\nCartman: Until you puked on her.\nChef: [Approaching.] Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?\nKyle: Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful!\nScene Description: Wendy looks at him from the swings, then looks down.\nChef: Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?\nStan: Yeah, that one!\nChef: Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.\nWendy: [Approaching.] Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?\nStan: No.\nWendy: Well it is!\nChef: That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...\nKenny: (Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)\nChef: Thaat's right!\nWendy: Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?\nChef: That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it...\nScene Description: Kenny looks up at Chef and simply shrugs.\nWendy: [Panicking a little.] Stan? We're still Valentines, right?\nStan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.\nKyle: Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents\nScene Description: He turns right and starts walking away.\nStan: Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!\nScene Description: Stan follows him out.\nCartman: I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner, chicks like vacuum cleaners\nScene Description: Cartman's voice trails off as he follows his friends away. Chef leaves as well, Wendy takes a step to go with them, but stops and ponders her relationship with Stan. A tear wells up in her eye, then falls as she sniffs.\nFemale singer: I remember when we were still in love The moments that we shared were timeless. Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance, the songs we sang were simple reminders.\n(Montage): [Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part I (he throws up every time)] Stark's Pond: she comes up behind him and says, \"Hi, Stan\" Stark's Pond: she asks him to come with her (to get Cartman) Cafeteria: she hands him a note (an invitation to Stark's Pond) Cemetery: amid a field of dead zombies, she puckers up Classroom: she hands him a daisy (he throws up with every step she takes)\nFemale singer: I can't stop now [Wendy is still sobbing] My heart's awake I feel your arms My arms to take I must have changed...\n(Montage): [Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part II (he throws up every time)] A vivid sunset: she snuggles up to him on the limb of a tree Football practice: she cheers him on, he throws up, she looks away for an instant, and Cartman tackles him. Cafeteria: he throws up as she approaches; she slips in it and falls flat on her back Playground: Stan and Kyle are working those hobby elephants furiously when Wendy and Bebe approach (he threw up on her thrice a time) Woods: Stan and Wendy pucker up to kiss (after they got Ike back)\nFemale singer: ...Even when love is the same. [Wendy sheds another tear, then turns left and walks away]\nScene Description: Classroom. Ms. Ellen is writing away on the blackboard. The boys are smiling broadly. The camera zooms in on the reason why. Ms. Ellen stops writing, but the boys are still smiling.\nMs. Ellen: Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?\nCartman: [Eagerly.] Memememememe, me!\nBebe: You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!\nMs. Ellen: Stan, how about you?\nStan: Bluuch! I'd love to.\nScene Description: Wendy turns angry.\nMs. Ellen: Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.\nScene Description: Cartman raises his hand.\nMs. Ellen: Cartman?\nCartman: What's a multiplication table?\nMs. Ellen: Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?\nScene Description: The class stares back. Kevin slowly shakes his head.\nMs. Ellen: Well, where did he leave off?\nCartman: We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Grieco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while-\nScene Description: The door opens and Chef appears. The class looks at him.\nChef: Oh, hello.\nMs. Ellen: Can I help you?\nChef: [Eyebrows aflutter.] I'm Chef.\nMs. Ellen: Aand?\nChef: I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.\nKyle: My laundry detergent?\nStan: That's not Kyle's...\nChef: Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.\nScene Description: Drops off a box of \"Whitey's Washing Detergent\" on Kyle's desk, then walks over to Ms. Ellen.\nChef: What was your name again?\nCartman: Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.\nMs. Ellen: I'mm the substitute.\nChef: Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.\nMs. Ellen: That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-\nChef (falsetto): [Music starts and he starts to sway] Nobody could take your place No way they could match your face, no You've got it going on in a way so clear, I just want to buy you a beer... Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh - Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute) No substitute for you (No substitute) No, baby, there's (No substitute) For you girl (No substitute) for you now You know that it's true (No substitute) There's just, no substitute for You!\nStan: We've got to learn how to do that, dude!\nKyle: Yup!\nMs. Ellen: That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?\nChef: If we can have dinner tonight.\nMs. Ellen: Fine, Chef. [He grins.] Just let me do my job before I get fired.\nCartman: Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!\nMs. Ellen: Wwhat?!\nScene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr. Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages.\nTom: Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Where-eh, where am I?\nTom: The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?\nTom: You look great!\nMr. Garrison: Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.\nTom: Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage...\nMr. Garrison: Aauugh-huh.\nTom: ...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.\nScene Description: Starts making sound effects of tearing flesh.\nMr. Garrison: UUUUUuuuuuugh\nTom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed.\nMr. Garrison: Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!\nTom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison lies down.\nTom: I'll check on you a little later.\nScene Description: Tom walks out.\nMr. Garrison: Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!\nScene Description: Classroom. The school bell has rung and the kids are leaving\nMs. Ellen: Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.\nCartman: [Enunciating.] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.\nKyle: [Looks back.] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!\nCartman: I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!\nScene Description: The students all exit, except Wendy.\nWendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?\nMs. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.\nScene Description: Wendy sits next to the teacher's desk.\nWendy: I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.\nMs. Ellen: Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...\nWendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?\nMs. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.\nScene Description: They reach out towards each other. Wendy angrily flips her off.\nWendy: Don't fuck with me!\nMs. Ellen: [Stunned.] Wha?\nWendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!\nScene Description: Ms. Ellen is shocked. Wendy drops from the chair and leaves.\nScene Description: '[Sweetly.] Bye, Ms. Ellen.\nScene Description: Day two, the classroom.\nMs. Ellen: Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me.\nScene Description: A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift.\nMs. Ellen: Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle.\nScene Description: He's dancing blissfully in his sea.\nStan: [Feigning clearing his throat.] Pf-looser gift, pf-looser gift.\nMs. Ellen: And here's one from Kenny. [She opens it.] Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.\nScene Description: He laughs, sure that she got the hint.\nMs. Ellen: Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.\nStan: Bluuch.\nScene Description: Losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and glares at him.\nMs. Ellen: And here's another present...from Wendy. [She opens it.] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal.\nScene Description: Holds it up for all to see.\nMs. Ellen: Thank you, Wendy.\nScene Description: Wendy is now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold.\nStan: See? She liked my present the best!\nKyle: Where's your present, Cartman?\nCartman: Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home.\nScene Description: The left corner of his mouth tells a different story.\nMs. Ellen: Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [All gasp.] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner.\nScene Description: The boys except Cartman perk up.\nCartman: Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.\nMs. Ellen: Are there any questions before we begin?\nScene Description: Wendy raises her hand.\nMs. Ellen: Yes, Wendy?\nWendy: When someone gets as old as you,\nScene Description: Cartman takes a bite out of the chocolate pie.\nWendy: Do they have to wear Depends undergarments?\nScene Description: Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back.\nScene Description: The Cafeteria. The boys are in line for lunch\nKyle: Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!\nStan: No you're not! I don't think I missed any!\nScene Description: Wendy approaches with Bebe, both carrying their lunches.\nWendy: Hi, Stan.\nStan: I bet I scored 100!\nWendy: HI, STAN!\nStan: Oh, hi, Wendy.\nWendy: I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.\nKyle: No, she wasn't!\nWendy: Yes, she was!\nStan: That's impossible!\nWendy: Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!\nCartman: Nuh-uh!\nWendy: It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!\nKyle: Oh cool.\nCartman: Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!\nKyle: Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.\nWendy: NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!!\nScene Description: She realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away, humbled. Bebe follows.\nCartman: Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.\nScene Description: They go in to get their lunches.\nChef: [Somberly.] Hello there, children.\nCartman: Oh, hi, Chef.\nKyle: How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?\nChef: Not too good.\nStan: What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?\nChef: No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.\nScene Description: They wait...\nChef: Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion.\nScene Description: They just blink at him.\nChef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.\nStan: A whatbian?\nKyle: A plebeian?\nChef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?\nStan: Kenny?\nScene Description: Kenny throws his palms up. He doesn't know, either.\nStan: No, explain it to us, Chef.\nChef: Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.\nStan: Oh.\nChef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line!\nScene Description: They head back into the cafeteria.\nKyle: Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?\nStan: Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!\nKyle: Hey, yeah!\nCartman: You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.\nStan: You're just saying that, Cartman.\nKyle: Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat-ass.\nCartman: I am, too!\nScene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty\nTom: Okay, only a few more bandages to go.\nMr. Garrison: Well?\nTom: Take a look for yourself.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison takes the mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will look this way from now on.\nMr. Garrison: Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: I think it looks great.\nTom: Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, after school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends enter.\nStan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?\nCartman: My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.\nKyle: Really?\nStan: Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect.\nScene Description: He pops the CD into the stereo.\nKyle: And I got these killer Birken-stocks.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a bit, then starts licking.\nIndiglo Girls singer: I woke up very early one Sunday morn...\nCartman: This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!\nScene Description: Sidewalk. The camera focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of Andy Gibb's Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt.\nMr. Garrison: Hi, Mrs. Campbell.\nMrs. Campbell: [Breathlessly.] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.\nMr. Garrison: Really?\nMrs. Campbell: Did you get a haircut?\nMr. Garrison: No, but thanks for asking.\nScene Description: He moves down the street.\nMrs. Campbell: [Waving at him.] Call me! I'm in the book!\nMr. Garrison: Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.\nScene Description: Wendy's house. Bebe is at the door\nWendy: Thanks for coming over, Bebe.\nScene Description: She follows Wendy to the sofa.\nBebe: That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?\nWendy: That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe.\nBebe: Really?\nWendy: Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover.\nBebe: Oh, cool.\nScene Description: Day three, the classroom.\nStan: I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.\nCartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!\nStan: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.\nKyle: Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!\nClyde: Whoa.\nScene Description: All eyes look right.\nClyde: Is that Wendy Testaburger?\nScene Description: Heads turn. Cartman smiles, Wendy had a makeover all right. She comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush, eyeshadow... A (candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out. She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are rather pleased at this makeover.\nWendy: Hi guys, what's up?\nCartman: Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John.\nScene Description: Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk.\nStan: Wow. Hi, Wendy.\nWendy: Oh. Hi, Stan.\nScene Description: She turns to Bebe and whispers.\nWendy: I think it worked, Bebe.\nBebe: [Pleased.] Yeah.\nMs. Ellen: Good morning, children.\nScene Description: She, too, comes in wearing a two-piece leather suit.\nStan: Wow!\nScene Description: Wendy and Bebe are devastated.\nCartman: Dang! That's nice!\nKyle: Yeah!\nMs. Ellen: Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too!\nScene Description: Wendy is mortified.\nMs. Ellen: We're like sisters!\nWendy: DIE!!\nScene Description: Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed.\nMs. Ellen: All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-\nMr. Garrison: Hello there, children!\nScene Description: Shadow Dancing starts up again and he dances. The class just looks at him.\nStan: Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.\nCartman: Oh, weak, dude!\nWendy: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!\nScene Description: Triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen, she starts doing a little cheer.\nWendy: He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.\nMr. Garrison: Children, I have a very important announcement to make.\nScene Description: The class listens.\nMr. Garrison: I'm quitting my job as a teacher.\nScene Description: All gasp and the music dies.\nWendy: Wwhat?\nMr. Garrison: It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.\nWendy: You...you can't.\nMr. Garrison: But the good news is,\nScene Description: Principal Victoria appears at the door.\nMr. Garrison: I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher.\nScene Description: Stan smiles.\nClass: Hooray!\nScene Description: Wendy is deflated again.\nMs. Ellen: Really?\nPrincipal Victoria: That's right. Will you stay?\nMs. Ellen: Wel...sure!\nScene Description: Wendy can barely contain herself.\nWendy: Noooo! Noooo!\nMs. Ellen: Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan.\nStan: Bluuch. Kick ass!\nWendy: Nooo!! Nooo!!\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.\nWendy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, my! What an exciting day!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison is in a photo shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays.\nPhotographer: Great, baby, you're looking great!\nMr. Garrison: I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.\nPhotographer: Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!\nMr. Garrison: A few hundred?\nPhotographer: Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.\nMr. Garrison: Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.\nPhotographer: You've got it! [The photo-shoot continues.]\nScene Description: Dinner at King Jimmy's Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing while thunder rolls by.\nMs. Ellen: I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.\nStan: Are we making love now?\nMs. Ellen: Excuse me?\nStan: They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.\nMs. Ellen: What are you talking about?\nStan: You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.\nMs. Ellen: Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.\nStan: But why?\nMs. Ellen: Well first of all, you're eight.\nStan: It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?\nMs. Ellen: Oh boy.\nScene Description: Wendy stands outside the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the room. The music takes on a somber tone.\nWendy: It's over. I give up.\nScene Description: She turns and walks away.\nScene Description: Day four, the center of town. Mr. Garrsion leans against a mailbox.\nMr. Garrison: Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.\nMr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.\nScene Description: A crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way.\nMr. Garrison: What the...?\nScene Description: The women appear and mob Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah.\nScene Description: They rip open his shirt.\nMr. Garrison: Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself!\nScene Description: Mr. Hat flies out of the fray.\nScene Description: The classroom. Students are filing in and going to their seats\nKyle: So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?\nCartman: Did you make love?\nStan: I think so.\nCartman: No way!\nStan: Yup.\nKyle: Down by the fire?\nStan: Yup.\nKenny: (And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)\nStan: Did I what?\nScene Description: Ms. Ellen enters.\nMs. Ellen: Good morning, children.\nScene Description: Wendy approaches subdued.\nWendy: Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?\nMs. Ellen: Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?\nWendy: No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.\nMs. Ellen: Oh, that's okay, Wendy.\nWendy: No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.\nMs. Ellen: Well, I would love that, Wendy.\nWendy: And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong,\nScene Description: Stan frowns. Sad music plays.\nWendy: ...and I've learned from it.\nScene Description: Her eyes begin to well up with tears.\nWendy: I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.\nMs. Ellen: Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!\nCartman: That's not what we just heard!\nScene Description: The sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of Mr. Hat's hat is missing.\nMr. Garrison: Hoh, Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job.\nScene Description: The women find him and rush towards him.\nWoman: Oh my God, did he...?\nMr. Garrison: Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!!\nScene Description: He pants.\nMr. Garrison: We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again!\nScene Description: He enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out from behind the window. So much for looking like David Hasselhoff...\nScene Description: The classroom.\nMs. Ellen: Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.\nScene Description: A commotion is heard in the hall, then Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with their swords drawn.\nLeader: Down! Down! Everybody down!\nCartman: What the hell...?\nScene Description: Everybody drops down below their desks.\nLeader: So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!\nPrincipal Victoria: And just what is going on here, mister?\nLeader: I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!\nMs. Ellen: It's a lie!\nKorashki: She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!\nPrincipal Victoria: Ms. Ellen, is this true?\nMs. Ellen: Nooo!\nKorashki: We must take her back to Iraq immediately!\nWendy: Oh, coool!\nMs. Ellen: Principal Victoria, please.\nKorashki: Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. [Shows photo.] Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!\nMs. Ellen: NOOOO!!\nScene Description: She grabs the scimitar away from a soldier.\nMs. Ellen: GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!\nScene Description: The scimitar leaves her hand and heads for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins him to the back wall.\nStan: Oh my God, she killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nScene Description: Ms. Ellen is being dragged out the door by the soldeirs.\nMs. Ellen: NOOOOOOO!!\nWendy: Wow.\nScene Description: The kids take their seats.\nWendy: What incredible irony.\nScene Description: School entrance. helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold the crowd back. Stan is standing next to Wendy.\nStan: Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.\nWendy: Yeah, you just never know.\nStan: Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.\nWendy: Happy Valentine's Day, Staan.\nScene Description: She turns to kiss him. He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer, then...\nStan: Bluuuuch!\nScene Description: Right in her mouth.\nWendy: Eeewwww!\nScene Description: Wendy quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth, Stan looks away, embarrased.\nStan: Sorry.\nWendy: No, it's okay, Stan!\nScene Description: Stan looks at her.\nWendy: Everything's going to be o-kay!\nKyle: Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!\nScene Description: Cartman takes a big bite out of a cardboard box.\nCartman: Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.\nScene Description: Iraqi desert. Military maneuvers are taking place. The camera stops at a rocket waiting to be launched.\nKorashki: For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!\nMs. Ellen: Egh.\nScene Description: She is moved to the rocket.\nMs. Ellen: This is all a mistake!\nScene Description: She is thrown in the rocket.\nMs. Ellen: This can't be happening!\nScene Description: She pops up, the rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up.\nMs. Ellen: Pleease! For the love of God!\nKorashki: Shove off!!\nScene Description: The rocket takes off and heads for the sun.\nScene Description: Wendy's house, pool party\nMrs. Campbell: Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!\nWendy: Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.\nMrs. Campbell: Anything for you, sugar-pie!\nScene Description: Wendy sees Kyle come up.\nWendy: Oh, hi, Kyle!\nKyle: I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.\nWendy: U-huh. Excuse me.\nScene Description: Some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk to Wendy.\nWendy: Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!\nIraqi: Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings...]\nWendy: Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!\nIraqi: Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!\nWendy: Kaqemblaq!\nScene Description: Wendy throws them a wad of bills.\nIraqi: Ah, laqeh blakatah!\nScene Description: They walk away miffed.\nKyle: How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-\nWendy: Wait, wait!\nScene Description: She throws off her sunglasses and reaches down.\nWendy: It's time to whip out the eclipse shoe-box thing!\nScene Description: She puts it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the impact.\nWendy: Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.\nKyle: Wendy! You didn't!\nWendy: I told her. [suddenly gains white irises] Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!\nScene Description: Kyle is shocked."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Southwest Colorado, Site B. The kids are on a field trip\nAnthropologist: ...And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month.\nCartman: Boooriing.\nScene Description: The class laughs.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep.\nScene Description: Under the morning edition of the ROCKY MTN. NEWS, with Mr. Hankey as the lead story.\nAnthropologist: Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?\nStan: Isn't that your job?\nAnthropologist: Well... yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.\nStan: Oooh.\nAnthropologist: Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes - that were handed out and we wuh dig for our very own Indian arrowheads.\nScene Description: The class cheers, scatters, get some pickaxes and start picking away at the site.\nCartman: Day is never finished, Massa got me working Someday Massa set me free...\nStan: Dude. Shut up, Cartman.\nPip: Oh! Oh I think I found one!\nScene Description: Reaching down for an arrowhead.\nScene Description: Cartman takes notice.\nCartman: No, I found it.\nPip: Oh. I do believe I found it first.\nCartman: No, I did, Pip.\nPip: Oh dear.\nCartman: Well, I guess we'll have to ro-sham-bo for it.\nPip: What do you mean?\nCartman: Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead.\nPip: Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must.\nCartman: Okay, ready? I'll go first.\nScene Description: Cartman back up, then runs at Pip, and kicks him in the nuts. Pip goes down in pain. The other kids laugh.\nPip: Well-uh I, I guess you win.\nCartman: Huh I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it.\nScene Description: Tosses it back to Pip. The kids resume digging.\nCartman: Day is never finished, Massa got me working... Oh, look, I found another one.\nScene Description: He looks it over.\nCartman: Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle!\nScene Description: He tosses this one away, as well. It lands before Kyle.\nKyle: Whoa. Check it out, dude.\nScene Description: Kyle picks up the triangle.\nKyle: It's got little drawings on it.\nScene Description: Stan comes over to check it out.\nStan: What is it?\nKyle: I don't know.\nScene Description: The triangle flickers, then glows for a moment.\nStan: Whoa!\nKyle: That was cool!\nScene Description: Cartman rushes over.\nCartman: Eeyy! Give me that back!\nKyle: You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now.\nCartman: We'll ro-sham-bo for it!\nKyle: No way, fatty, it's mine!\nCartman: ANTHROPOLOGIST!\nAnthropologist: [Strolling over.] How's it going, boys?\nCartman: I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!\nKyle: You threw it away, fatso!\nAnthropologist: Hm, let me see that. [Examines it.] Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!\nCartman: [To Kyle.] Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it!\nScene Description: Kyle takes the triangle from the anthropologist and walks away.\nScene Description: News 4, Special Report.\nAnchor: ...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadriplegic Swiss man on a pony.\nQuadriplegic Swiss man: Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.\nKyle: Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'\nCartman: ...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!\nKyle: [Off camera,] You liar, Cartman!\nCartman: Screw you, triangle thief!\nQuadriplegic Swiss man: And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.\nDave: Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.\nScene Description: Cartman pops up before the camera.\nCartman: Eeyy!\nScene Description: Kyle's house. The boys have returned from their trip.\nStan: What are you going to do with it, dude?\nKyle: I'm going to put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it.\nCartman: Oh I'll find it, don't worry!\nScene Description: Kyle enters his room and closes the door. Cartman rushes up to it and jumps on the door knob.\nCartman: God - dammit, give me my triangle, Kyle, seriously.\nStan: You did throw it away, Cartman.\nCartman: I was just setting it aside.\nStan: Well, you might as well let it go.\nCartman: Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!\nScene Description: School cafeteria. Chef is preparing a dish.\nChef: Give me a little bit of that pepper Give me a little bit of that salt Put it in the skillet and cook it...\nLeonard Maltin: Excuse me, sir...\nChef: Can I help-ey, you're that movie critic - guy on TV.\nLeonard Maltin: Leonard Maltin, yes.\nChef: Well, I'll be a teenage girl backstage at am Aerosmith concert. Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef.\nLeonard Maltin: I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?\nChef: Barbra Streisand? You mean like, the Barbra Streisand?\nLeonard Maltin: Have you seen her?!\nChef: No. Not since Yentl.\nLeonard Maltin: Thank God. Then I'm not too late.\nChef: Too late for what?\nLeonard Maltin: Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.\nChef: Why do you care?\nScene Description: The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are working on a snowman as Cartman and Kenny watch.\nStan: I have a button we can use for his nose.\nKenny: (Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)\nKyle: What would we use a marble sack for?\nCartman: Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it.\nKyle: I didn't steal anything.\nScene Description: Cartman looks away so as to not see Kyle.\nCartman: Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?\nKyle: Good!\nScene Description: Kyle looks back as helicopter blades are heard.\nCartman: What's that noise?\nScene Description: A pink helicopter descends.\nKyle: Whoa!\nCartman: Aaah! Aliens!\nScene Description: Cartman covers his butt. The helicopter lands, the door opens, and Barbra Streisand appears.\nBarbra Streisand: Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?\nScene Description: Stan and Kenny point at Kyle.\nBarbra Streisand: Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?\nKyle: No.\nBarbra Streisand: Ugh. I bet you do.}} I'm going-\nKyle: Aagh! Stop that!\nBarbra Streisand: -where there's lucky clovers in the f-\nStan: Ow, that sucks, dude!\nBarbra Streisand: I'm Barbra Streisand!\nStan: ...so?\nBarbra Streisand: So?! Uh muh, so I'm a very famous and very important individual.\nStan: Like John Elway important?\nBarbra Streisand: What?!\nStan: D'you know John Elway?\nBarbra Streisand: No!\nStan: Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!\nBarbra Streisand: Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?\nKyle: Yyeeaahh.\nCartman: No! I found it, he stole it!\nKyle: You threw it away, Cartman!\nCartman: I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.\nBarbra Streisand: Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?\nKyle: Yeah. How'd you know?\nBarbra Streisand: Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?\nKyle: Triangle of Zinthar?\nStan: Why do you wanta know, lady?!\nBarbra Streisand: I'm not talking to you, you piss-ant little hick!\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nBarbra Streisand: Where is the triangle, dammit?!\nScene Description: She picks up Kyle by the throat.\nKyle: AAAAAA!\nScene Description: Barbra drops Kyle as Officer Barbrady approaches.\nOfficer Barbrady: What seems to be the problemo here?\nBarbra Streisand: Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.\nCartman: Na-ah! She's being a total bitch!\nOfficer Barbrady: Boys, shouldn't you be in school?\nStan: It's Saturday.\nOfficer Barbrady: No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers!\nScene Description: The boys leave. Kyle lucked out.\nScene Description: Barbra faces Officer Barbrady.\nBarbra Streisand: ...Well?!\nOfficer Barbrady: Well what?\nBarbra Streisand: You know who I am, don't you?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!\nBarbra Streisand: Waaaaaaah!\nScene Description: She leaves in a huff.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hoh, what a bitch!\nScene Description: Kyle's house. Chef and Leonard Maltin are at the door\nScene Description: Chef rings the bell and knocks.\nChef: I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.\nLeonard Maltin: Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.\nChef: Come on, man. What is this all about?\nLeonard Maltin: If Barbra Streisand saw the same report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?\nChef: Hmmm.\nScene Description: A picture of Tom's Rhinoplasty pops into his head.\nLeonard Maltin: Nono! I mean, where would she be staying?\nChef: Oh. Uh, well, I always heard that Ms. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium - up near the ski slope.\nLeonard Maltin: Where?\nChef: Uh I don't know. Ih-ih it was just a rumor.\nLeonard Maltin: Dammit man, where's your car?!\nScene Description: Barbra Streisand's four million dollar condo in the mountains.\nBarbra Streisand: He has it, Milo. That little bastard has the triangle.\nMilo: Are you sure?\nBarbra Streisand: I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krewluck!\nMilo: Then why don't we go get it?\nBarbra Streisand: A cop showed up - he's a clever one - I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully.\nScene Description: She goes to some bookshelves and pulls on a book, on the top of which is a secret button. She presses the button and the shelf rotates to reveal a pedestal with two holders. One triangle is already in one holder, the other one is still alone.\nBarbra Streisand: How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle, and now I am so close. The Dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!\nScene Description: She laughs rather hysterically.\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's asleep. A model of the solar system, a picture of him and his elephant, and the Triangle of Zinthar can be seen on his dresser. The camera pans up to see a saw cutting through the ceiling. The hole is made and the cut piece is pushed unto the floor. Kyle flinches and turns around, now facing the wall. A rope comes down and footfalls are heard. Kyle adjusts himself. A pair of eyes looks around and sees the triangle, then Kyle, then back to the triangle. The eyes approach and two hands reach out to grab the triangle.\nIke: Cokeshen.\nScene Description: Cartman is distracted, knocking down the picture, waking up Kyle.\nKyle: Cartman?\nCartman: [Revealing himself.] You scared the crap out of me, Ike!\nKyle: What the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: I'm trying to get my tri- wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?\nIke: Rear trohtru badt.\nKyle: Well, Ike. You can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!\nIke: Cookeh monter.\nCartman: Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty goddamn son of a bitch!!\nIke: Ahtoahtahneurah.\nScene Description: Kyle gets out of bed.\nKyle: Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!\nCartman: Huh?!\nKyle: If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damned thing! Here!\nScene Description: Kyle hands him the triangle.\nKyle: There. Now, get out of my house! And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself!\nScene Description: Cartman looks at the triangle.\nCartman: Hell, yeah I do, I got the triangle. I got the triangle, I got the triangle, dee dun dee dun\nScene Description: He backs up and goes out the door. Kyle goes back to sleep. Meanwhile, in Chef's Town and Country, He and Maltin are driving around.\nLeonard Maltin: Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?\nChef: It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.\nLeonard Maltin: Then we've got to keep looking.\nChef: [Braking hard.] Alright. Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile until you tell me what this is all about!\nLeonard Maltin: Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?\nChef: Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but-.\nLeonard Maltin: More than a bitch! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.\nChef: Woohoohoohoo. An insurance salesman?\nLeonard Maltin: When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos.\nChef: Okay. You know what? Never mind, I don't need to know all this!\nScene Description: Starts up the station wagon.\nChef: Forget I asked!\nLeonard Maltin: Before she was seven the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles.\nChef: And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?\nLeonard Maltin: Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs gets a hold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind. Mecha-Streisand!\nChef: Mega-Streisand? Oh, man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.\nScene Description: The bus stop, Monday.\nStan: Man, the bus sure is late.\nCartman: Hmmm. I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is mmyy triangle.\nKyle: Dammit Cartman! I gave it to you so you would shut... up.\nScene Description: Barbra Streisand pulls up in her car wearing a Groucho Marx face mask, and steps out.\nBarbra Streisand: Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?\nStan: Fine.\nBarbra Streisand: That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person.\nScene Description: The four boys stand silent.\nBarbra Streisand: I hear that one of you found my triangle.\nKyle: Your triangle?\nBarbra Streisand: Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it I was sure to die within hours.\nCartman: Oh no you don't! Finders Keepers!\nBarbra Streisand: But I'll die.\nCartman: Well, I guess we'll have to ro-sham-bo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can...\nBarbra Streisand: I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.\nCartman: It is?\nStan: Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.\nBarbra Streisand: Oooh, hahahah. Who is that?\nKyle: Oh, just this really really old lady who wishes she was still only 45.\nScene Description: The boys laugh and Barbra seethes.\nStan: Yeah, and you should have seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on.\nScene Description: The boys laugh again and Barbra gets angrier.\nCartman: Yeeh, stealth bombers.\nScene Description: The boys laughs some more.\nCartman: Yeah, and talk about a bitch, I haven't seen-\nBarbra Streisand: ENOUGH!!\nScene Description: The boys are suddenly horrified.\nBarbra Streisand: Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - money - for the triangle.\nCartman: Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass!\nScene Description: Heads for the car.\nKyle: Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?\nCartman: No, not when money is involved, stupid!\nScene Description: The kids climb into her car and Barbra revs it up.\nScene Description: Fanfare. Hollywood, at Direct to Video Studios.\nDirector: And. Action!\nSidney Poitier: [To Sally Struthers.] Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass.\nDirector: Cut, great, print that. Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys, let's set up for the next shot.\nScene Description: Sidney heads for his dressing room, enters, and heads for the mirror.\nScene Description: A clam shell opens up revealing two tiny princesses.\nPrincesses: Hello.\nSidney Poitier: Huh?\nPrincesses: You must hurry! A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar.\nSidney Poitier: Where?\nPrincesses: At a small piss-ant white-bread mountain town in Colorado called South Park.\nSidney Poitier: Excellent!\nScene Description: Back at Barbra's condo.\nBarbra Streisand: Eh. Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!\nScene Description: Cartman is strapped to a rack, the others hang from chains.\nCartman: Ugh. Let me go! Seriously!\nStan: Yeah, let us go!\nBarbra Streisand: You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle!\nScene Description: Pulls the lever next to her.\nScene Description: The ropes start to tighten on the rack.\nCartman: Eey! It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!\nKyle: Hey! Don't try to pass it back on me, fat-ass!\nCartman: Eechh! Screw you, hippie! Eeeh-eh.\nBarbra Streisand: Wheeere is the triangle of Zinthar?!\nCartman: I don't remember.\nKyle: Goddammit tell her! I wanna go home!\nBarbra Streisand: [Slowly.] Maybe this will help jar your memory...\nCartman: No! Don't!\nScene Description: She starts singing again and the kids scream with pain.\nCartman: AAAAAA! AAAAADUH!\nBarbra Streisand: NOOOW do you remember?!\nCartman: WAAAGH! Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!\nStan: Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take, dude.\nBarbra Streisand: Alright. You asked for it! I'm gonna tell you now...\nScene Description: The boys resume their screaming.\nScene Description: Chef's Town and Country. Still looking...\nChef: Eeeeh-I don't know, man. Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.\nLeonard Maltin: Well, looks like we'll have to go to plan B.\nChef: There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a plan B.\nLeonard Maltin: Have you ever heard of the band called, The Cure?\nChef: Ooh, come oonn! Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too!\nLeonard Maltin: No, no. Just the lead singer. [He starts convulsing.] Oh! Ah!\nChef: Who-o-oa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?\nLeonard Maltin: She's close! She's very close-I can feel her.\nChef: Where?\nLeonard Maltin: Sh-She has the boys! The, they're in trouble!\nChef: Ooh, fudge!\nLeonard Maltin: Keep going this way! Hurry!\nScene Description: They round a bend and disappear.\nScene Description: The condo.\nBarbra Streisand: Happiness with you is like happiness...\nScene Description: The boys are still screaming.\nCartman: Okay, okay. I'll tell where the triangle is, it's inside my shoe.\nScene Description: Milo approaches and removes Cartman's right shoe.\nKyle: Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?\nCartman: I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens!\nScene Description: Milo hands the triangle to Barbra.\nBarbra Streisand: Finally, the triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar! Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete.\nScene Description: Barbra joins the triangles and the resulting diamond begins to spin and glow.\nBarbra Streisand: Sugoi! Kono hi wa... atarashii hajimari da! Ima kara... atashi no namae wa... (Wow! Today is... a new beginning! From now on... my name will be...)\nScene Description: A strobe flash goes off when the diamond reaches the height of its brilliance, and the pedestal the diamonds were on shines very brightly thereafter.\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nScene Description: Flashes of light continue to escape the diamond, and Barbra beings to transform.\nBarbra Streisand: ...Mecha... Barbura... Sutoraisando!\nScene Description: She grows as she transforms, breaking through the roof, then lets out a roar and leaves her condo as a giant mechanical lizard.\nStan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.\nScene Description: South Park. Mecha Streisand arrives.\nJimbo: Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest Goddamned deer I have ever seen!\nReporter: ...and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again be-\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand appears behind him, holding a car, and lets out a roar as she devours it.\nReporter: Oh, Goddammit, not again!\nScene Description: She rips the roof off the new Sushi Bar.\nSinger: Bar-bura, Bar-bura... [she crushes the sushi bar with her foot] ...ichi ban kirai no hito. (the number 1 hateful person.) [She steps off the sushi bar. The Mayor is watching from her window across the street] Bar-bura, Bar-bura... [Mecha Streisand throws the roof away, then rips the roof off the building next to it, grabs two people, but drops one of them] ...hana ga ookii. (...her nose is big.) [The Mayor looks on, mortified. Her door opens]\nAssistant: Mayor! Barbra Streisand is-\nMayor: I noticed! Call the National Guard!\nScene Description: Her assistant leaves as Mecha Streisand roars again.\nMayor: Ohohohoh, we'll get you, you bitch.\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand grabs the building and shakes the people out of it.\nMayor: And to think I actually watched your HBO special.\nScene Description: The condo. Chef and Leonard Maltin arrive.\nChef: Children!\nThe boys: Chef!\nScene Description: Leonard Maltin notices the gaping hole in the ceiling.\nLeonard Maltin: Oh no! No! She has joined the two triangles?\nCartman: Yes! She stole my triangle!\nStan: Get us down from here!\nScene Description: Chef tries to remove the chains from Stan's wrists.\nChef: I can't - break these - locks!\nLeonard Maltin: Stand back, Chef!\nScene Description: Chef stands back as Leonard Maltin does a few martial arts moves.\nLeonard Maltin: Marutam Re!\nScene Description: His eyes send out laser beams. He first frees Stan and Kyle, then Cartman and Kenny.\nKyle: Whoa, that was cool!\nLeonard Maltin: I've got to go after Mecha Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number!\nStan: Robert Smith? Sweet!\nScene Description: A studio. Robert Smith picks up the phone.\nRobert Smith: Hello?\nChef: Uuuh, yes. Is this Robert Smith of the Cure?\nRobert Smith: Yes, i' is.\nChef: This may sound kind of strange, but... Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.\nRobert Smith: Ooooooh so Barbra Streisand's found the other triangle, eh?\nScene Description: Chef is stunned.\nScene Description: South Park. Looks pretty devastated. The National Guard is pulling in.\nSergeant: All right, men, give 'er everything you've got!\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand roars down at them, and they fire rockets at her from all around, to no effect. Helicopters surround her and fire away. Jimbo and Ned are in one of them, with Ned piloting.\nJimbo: Get around th' side there, Ned. I can't get a shot in from here.\nScene Description: Ned circles around to her face.\nNed: Okay. Aah! aah! I'm scaared!\nScene Description: Jimbo fires a shoulder rocket, but it just bounces off her shoulder. She rears back and swats Their helicopter out of the sky. The other helicopters scatter.\nSinger: Bar-bura, Bar-bura, sugoi na bitchu da. (Barbra, Barbra, she's a huge bitch.)\nSergeant: [To his commander.] It's no use! Our firepower has no effect!\nSheila: Oh my God, it is you! Oh, I am such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person!\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand roars back.\nSheila: I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My sister would die.\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand roars assent and stoops to sign the autograph book.\nSheila: Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand roars in triumph and rounds a corner. Everybody runs.\nCitizen: Oh my Goooodd! [Amid screams.]\nMr. Garrison: We're doomed! Good-bye, Mr. Hat.\nSinger: Bar-bura, Bar-bura!\nScene Description: She stops before Leonard Maltin.\nLeonard Maltin: Barbra!\nScene Description: She steps back surprised, then roars.\nLeonard Maltin: Kite, Kite. Churipu. (Come, come. Tulip!)\nScene Description: Leonard Maltin begins to transform.\nSinger: Ultura Lenardu Marutin!\nScene Description: Lenardu Marutin shows off some moves. Mecha Streisand respnds by kicking away the ushi bar. Chef and the boys arrive just after that. Lenardu Marutin grabs the building next to the bar and hits her with it, causing her to fall back.\nChef: Look out, children!\nScene Description: Townspeople run by, then the boys scream and scatter. Jimbo's Guns lands where they were standing. Mecha Streisand kicks Lenardu Marutin in the groin and he lands on his back, but Chef and the boys have to scatter again before he does. Stan and Kyle regroup and look at the scene, but Kyle turns around for some reason. Kenny is seen running towards a tetherball. He hits it with his left hand. It swings around and swoops him up.\nKenny: (Oh no! I have got to stay away fro-aaagh!)\nScene Description: Kenny dies strangled by the tether-ball.\nKenny: (Ugh!)\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nScene Description: Sidney Poitier flies in like Superman and lands next to Chef.\nSidney Poitier: What's going on here?\nChef: Sidney Poitier?\nSidney Poitier: That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.\nChef: Damn, man, it's nice to meet you! Seein' Sidney Poitier in my hometown!\nSidney Poitier: Barbra Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar?\nChef: Yeup! She's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.\nSidney Poitier: Kolooh kulatchki!\nScene Description: Sidney Poitier begins transforming.\nSinger: Mega Poatia, Mega Poatia, sogoi kuroi da ne. (Megara Poatia Megara Poatia. Look, how black you are.) [Mega Poatia takes off and spins towards Mecha Streisand.] Mega Poatia, Mega Poatia-\nChef: [Annoyed.] Is that really necessary?\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand fends off Lenardu Marutin, then picks up Megara Poatia and twirls him around in an airplane move and throws him onto a mountain. He bounces over the top and away. The boys are shocked. Lenardu Marutin fixes his gaze on her, but she blocks it with her right hand. She then breathes a plasma blast at him, which lands hard and knocks him onto his back.\nChef: It's over. She's too strong for them, children. We'll have to leave town.\nCartman: Make it go away! I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her!\nScene Description: Cartman covers his eyes.\nStan: My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?\nChef: We have to say good-bye... to South Park.\nWoman: Oh my Goooood, help meeee!\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand is tearing up the town, ripping apart some buildings, stomping on others...\nRobert Smith: Am I too late?\nChef: [Irritated.] Who are you?\nStan: Dude! Robert Smith of the Cure!\nCartman: Sweet!\nRobert Smith: Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her.\nChef: You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.\nRobert Smith: I have to try. I can't let Barbra Streisand do this to the entire world.\nScene Description: Robert Smith begins transformation into a giant moth.\nSinger: Rabartu Smisu, Rabartu Smisu, tashiwa daisuki Rabartu Smisu. (Robert Smith, Robert Smith, I like you a lot, Robert Smith)\nScene Description: Mecha Streisand heads for a gas station with a dinosaur for its symbol, but Rabartu Smitu comes up fast behind her. She notices. He shrieks at her, she covers her ears, and skyscrapers all around lose their windows. She responds with her own shrieks, and he covers his ears. More skyscrapers lose their windows.\nLeonard Maltin: [Back to normal.] We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.\nStan: [Into the walkie.] Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot Punch.\nScene Description: Rabartu Smitu looks at him and acknowledges the command by lefting the right-hand index and pinky fingers. Mecha Streisand tears apart some power lines and prepares to electrocute him, but he launches his fist. It hits her square on the nose and a diamond falls out, which lands in fron of Kyle.\nKyle: The Diamond of Pantheos. [Looks at Stan.] She must be powerless now.\nStan: [Into the walkie.] Quickly, Robert Smith! She's powerless!\nSinger: Rabartu Smisu, Rabartu Smisu!\nScene Description: Chef looks at him more annoyed than before. Rabartu Smitu maneuvers Mecha Streisand around and grabs her by the tail. After some airplane spins he launches her into outer space. An electrical overload occurs and she blows up into millions of pieces. The fireworks can be seen from the town and the townspeople cheer up and down.\nStan: He did it!\nKyle: No more Barbra Streisand, everrrrr!\nStan: Wow! Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!\nJesus: Our Savior!\nScene Description: Robert Smith transforms back to normal.\nRobert Smith: Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?\nCartman: No way! You gave it to us-it's mine now!\nRobert Smith: Alright, I'll ro-sham-bo you for it. Ready?\nCartman: Huh?\nScene Description: Cartman gets a kick in the groin and falls. Robert Smith moves aside.\nCartman: Eh. Aaah-ah! Aaah!\nScene Description: Robert Smith walks towards the sunset as Japanese music plays, apparently without the walkie-talkie.\nChef: Hey! Where's he goin'?\nStan: Good-bye, Robert Smith!\nCartman: Thanks for your help! Visit us again!\nKyle: Disintegration is the best album everrr!\nScene Description: Kyle's house.\nStan: Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?\nKyle: We've got to get rid of them.\nScene Description: Kyle heads for a small trash can next to the coffee table.\nKyle: Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted!\nScene Description: He tosses the triangles in.\nStan: Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me.\nScene Description: Cartman reaches over.\nCartman: No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me!\nKyle: Dammit Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?!\nScene Description: Stan turns left and walks to the door.\nCartman: Come on, Stan, it's mine! I'll ro-sham-bo you for it!\nScene Description: Ike, seeing what Kyle had thrown in, reaches the trash can and jumps in.\nStan: Go to hell, Cartman!\nScene Description: In front of the house.\nKyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.\nStan: Yeah. I'm sure glad that's over with.\nKyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always... end up dead.\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: Yeah, and I've learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass!\nScene Description: The steps of a giant are heard and the kids grow fearful] Oh no! She's back!\nStan: Oh my God! Look!\nScene Description: The camera reveals a giant Ike coming out from behind the house.\nAll three: AAAAA! MECHA IKE!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The bus stop. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan are waiting for the bus\nStan: Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.\nKyle: Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong\nKenny: (Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed.)\nScene Description: The three laugh.\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him.\nScene Description: The bus pulls up.\nMs. Crabtree: Come on, we're running late!\nStan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!\nMs. Crabtree: What did you say?!\nStan: I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.\nMs. Crabtree: Oh. Alright, then.\nScene Description: She closes the door and drives away.\nKyle: Whoa, dude.\nStan: I always wondered if that would work.\nScene Description: The boys approach Cartman's house. Kyle rings the bell.\nLiane: Hello, boys.\nKyle: Hi. We were wondering why fat-ass [Mitt to mouth.] I mean, Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.\nLiane: Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.\nStan: In the backyard?\nScene Description: In the backyard. A classical piece plays as the camera looks at the picnic table left over from Cartman's birthday. Cartman is at table surrounded by four dolls: he is hosting a tea party. Think Mr. Hat, then the Mad Hatter...\nCartman: Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?\nPolly: Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.\nCartman: You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants.\nScene Description: The boys pop up over some bushes and look at Cartman from a distance.\nCartman: Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?\nClyde: Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?\nCartman: Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.\nPolly: You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.\nCartman: Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you. [Sips.]\nStan: [Behind the bushes with the others.] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.\nKenny: (I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea.)\nKyle: Come on! Let's go make fun of him!\nStan: No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.\nKyle: Really?\nPeter: [Back at table.] We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.\nCartman: Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.\nPolly: Eric is the best!\nClyde: Hooray for Eric!\nPeter: Eric kicks ass!\nScene Description: At school, the Counselor's office. The boy who saw the counselor in December is back, but then, so is Kyle.\nKyle: Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, well, there's a news flash!\nStan: Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.\nKyle: Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.\nMr. Mackey: Oooh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, m'kay?\nKyle: Woo-whataya mean?\nMr. Mackey: Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?\nStan: No.\nMr. Mackey: Well-obviously something is bothering him. [looks left] Oh, of course!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey walks over to a shelf.\nMr. Mackey: My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, m'kay?\nStan: Is that legal?\nMr. Mackey: Oh, hell yes!\nScene Description: Back at Cartman's Tea Party.\nCartman: My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.\nPolly: Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true.\nPeter: Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.\nCartman: That's niiice, Peter Panda.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle are back at the bushes with Mr. Mackey's camera.\nStan: Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.\nKyle: How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?\nStan: I donnow, just keep rolling.\nCartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?\nRumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.\nCartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?\nClyde: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.\nScene Description: Cartman, confused of how to take that.\nCartman: Eeeyy!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later that night. Cartman and his mom are dining when Mr. Kitty comes by.\nKitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!\nKitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!\nKitty: Hhhhhcck!\nLiane: How is your beefy roast, snookums?\nCartman: Mom? Can I ask you a question?\nLiane: Sure, hon.\nCartman: You know how my friend Stan, has... a dad?\nLiane: Uh huuuh.\nCartman: And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?\nLiane: Yyeess??\nScene Description: They look at each other for a long time.\nLiane: Well, what's your question, hon?\nCartman: God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!\nLiane: Oooooohh.\nCartman: I want to know where I came from.\nLiane: Ooohh, hhmmm [Finger to lips.]. Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are... attracted to each other, they want to be... close to each other.\nCartman: Uh huuh.\nLiane: And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.\nScene Description: Cartman and his mom look at each other, Kitty looks at them both.\nCartman: So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?\nLiane: Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance.\nScene Description: A flashback sequence begins where a barn appears with a banner: 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance. Cows are standing around while music and light emanate from inside the barn.\nLiane: I was young and naive then...\nScene Description: Liane is seen downing a very tall flask of beer.\nMan: Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman.\nLiane: Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he. [The band ends its tune.] I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! [She stands next to Barbrady.]\nTrainee Barbrady: I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!\nLiane: [Breathlessly.] Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.\nTrainee Barbrady: [Takes a cookie and bites into it.] Mm, that's a good cookie! [The band resumes playing.]\nJimbo: Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance!\nScene Description: A duck falls from the ceiling and everybody takes their bottles of beer and toast the occasion. They drop their empty bottles, and Ned ends up falling where he stands.\nLiane: And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name... was Chief Running Water.\nScene Description: The crowd separates to reveal a handsome Indian entering the dance. A song begins.\nSinging: There you are, like a throbbing star. I want you to make love to me.\nScene Description: Ms. Cartman and the Chief focus in on each other, then walk to each other, then bump into each other. Ms. Cartman falls, then gets up, vomits, and starts dancing with the Chief.\nLiane: I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.\nCartman: So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?\nLiane: Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.\nCartman: [Weighs the story.] That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.\nLiane: I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.\nCartman: Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Native American.\nKitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!\nScene Description: Stan's house. Grandpa, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching TV.\nAnnoncer: Coming this Sunday, [Music begins to play.] a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip.\nScene Description: The title screen appears.\nAnnouncer: In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.\nTerrance: Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.\nPhillip: Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.\nScene Description: He farts. They both laugh, the music starts up again.\nAnnoncer: See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.\nStan: Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!\nKyle: Yeah, dude. It looks riveting.\nScene Description: Grandpa starts flipping channels.\nStan: Come on Grandpa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.\nGrandpa: No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.\nStan: Aaawww.\nKyle: [At the same time.] Hunh?\nAnnoncer: And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!\nBob Saget: Hey, I just flew into the studio.\nScene Description: He flaps his right arm like he actually flew in.\nBob Saget: Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh.\nScene Description: Grandpa laughs, but no one in the studio audience is.\nBob Saget: Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.\nScene Description: Only he and Grandpa laugh.\nBob Saget: Knock knock.\nScene Description: The audience stays silent.\nBob Saget: Bob.\nScene Description: Audience is silent.\nBob Saget: Bob Saget..\nScene Description: He chuckles to himself. As if on cue, the audience breaks into laughter and some members fall over. Grandpa falls over, too, and laughs his ass off for a minute or so.\nStan: This guy sucks!\nScene Description: The bell rings and he goes to answer it.\nKyle: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.\nScene Description: Stan opens the door to find Cartman\nStan: Cartman? What the hell are you doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?\nCartman: [Indian music plays.] Native American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people.\nScene Description: He's dressed in Indian clothes (including tassels), with a headband holding three feathers, and an eagle necklace, not a bear one.\nStan: What??\nScene Description: Kyle and Kenny reach the door, look at Cartman, and crack up.\nCartman: Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut!\nScene Description: The boys are quiet.\nCartman: Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.\nStan: What are you talking about, Cartman?!\nCartman: My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?\nStan: Go ahead, dude.\nScene Description: Cartman turns left and leaves to get the bike. The other three return to the sofa to watch TV.\nKyle: Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.\nStan: Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!\nBob Saget: Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000. [Chuckles.]\nGrandpa: Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.\nKyle: Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.\nScene Description: They realize that they do, then look at the videotape, and smile.\nScene Description: UTE Native American Reservation.\nChief Running Water: ...And Bear cried to Eagle-\nIndian 1: Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.\nChief Running Water: What kid?\nIndian 1: He claims to be your kid.\nScene Description: Cartman squeezes his way into the campfire circle.\nCartman: Hiya, Dad!\nChief Running Water: Who the hell are you?\nCartman: I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.\nChief Running Water: Your mother?\nCartman: Liane Cartman.\nChief Running Water: Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second. [Suddenly serious.] Look, kid, I'm not your father.\nCartman: But my mom says you're the guy she was with.\nChief Running Water: Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'\nCartman: Whatooya mean?\nChief Running Water: She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'\nCartman: Huh??\nChief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.\nScene Description: The other Utes on either side of him nod in agreement.\nCartman: Eeyy!!\nChief Running Water: Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you.\nScene Description: He flashes back to the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.\nChief Running Water: We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.\nChief Running Water: There you are...\nChief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.\nLiane: Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.\nChief Running Water: Whoa, Helloooh!!\nScene Description: They start kissing. A man vomits and passes out.\nLiane: [Interrupting the action.] Wait. Wait.\nScene Description: She looks towards the entrance, and the Chief rolls back.\nLiane: ] Who is that?\nScene Description: Some funk plays as Chef makes his entrance and waves hello to everyone. She looks at Chef.\nSinging: There you are like a throbbing star-\nScene Description: Now these two focus in on each other.\nLiane: Chief... could you excuse me for a minute?\nChief Running Water: Huh??\nScene Description: Liane gets up and leaves.\nChief Running Water: You gotta be kidding me.\nLiane: [Approaching Chef.] Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. [Flirts with him gently.]\nChef: Nawh. I'm new in town.\nLiane: Well, what's a nice, handsome, black [She looks at his crotch. He follows her gaze.] man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?\nChef: I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.\nLiane: Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to... put your tongue in my mouth?\nChef: Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?\nLiane: Ahah, I'm plastered! [Tongues come out and they start kissing.]\nCartman: [Alone with the Chief] His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??\nChief Running Water: He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.\nCartman: Oh my God! I'm a black African American!\nScene Description: Back in town, the following day. Kenny is trying to start a go-cart.\nStan: Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.\nKyle: Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?\nStan: Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.\nKyle: If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.\nStan: [With the right hand cupped to the side of his mouth.] Shhh! Here comes Cartman.\nCartman: [With rap beats playing now.] 'S up, homies?\nScene Description: He's dressed in a red jogging suit and white sneakers. He has a large clock hanging off his necklace and sports a high flat-top. On his right hand are some brass knuckles with the work 'PIE' grafted to them.\nStan: Cartman?!\nCartman: I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.\nKyle: You live on the Eastside, Cartman!\nStan: Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.\nCartman: [Aloofly.] Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle just look at him.\nCartman: You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad.\nScene Description: He starts to moonwalk away to the sound of scratchin'.\nStan: Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000.\nScene Description: Kenny finally gets the go-cart going, but is yanked behind it. It won't let him go, and a variation on Mission Impossible begins to play.\nKenny: (Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)\nStan, Kyle: Hold on, Kenny!\nKenny: (Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'-\nScene Description: He hits a bump on the road.\nKenny: (AARGH.)\nScene Description: The go-cart returns and goes into the snow.\nKenny: (Goddamn, why-)\nScene Description: He goes into a tight grove of trees, then exits.\nKenny: (Oh this freakin'-)\nScene Description: He hits a boulder.\nKenny: (AARGH.)\nScene Description: The go-cart lands upside down on some tracks. Kenny gets up and dusts himself off.\nKenny: (Phew.)\nScene Description: The guys look at him and he waves to them.\nKenny: (Well, I'm fine, guys!)\nScene Description: They smile and wave back.\nKenny: (Now if I can-)\nScene Description: A train strike him and the go-cart, obliterating both.\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.\nKyle: You bastards!\nScene Description: Chef's house. Cartman arrives.\nChef: Hello?\nCartman: Yo, Pops!\nChef: [Studying...] Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?\nCartman: You know, jus'... layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?\nChef: Get in here! [Drags him in.]\nCartman: Westsa-eed-eh.\nScene Description: Now in the living room with Cartman.\nChef: Take that wig off! [Does it himself.] What's gotten into you?!\nCartman: You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.\nChef: What?! Noh! Uh, did I?\nCartman: He said you kissed her with your tongue.\nChef: Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.\nCartman: [Dejected.] Huho. So you're not my dad?\nChef: Of course not. Here. You children sit down,\nScene Description: Chef props him up on a stool.\nChef: ...and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad. When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut...he acts like he does, in order to get some action, heheh The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's right, And they caress and touch each other, until the part of the man grows, Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hot, And the man says \"I love you\" and the woman says \"hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom\" So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you wait... [Pause.] ...and you wait, and you wait, and you waaaaiit And you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom Finally she comes back, and she says, \"Baby, I'm gettin' hot!\" And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of...\nCartman: What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!\nChef: Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember.\nScene Description: Back at the Drunken Barn Dance. Chef is kissing Liane on the hay stack.\nLiane: Whoa, Chef! [He pulls away a bit.] You're so strong!\nJimbo: Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos!\nScene Description: The barn door opens and the Broncos pour in. Most of them are \"hutt-hutting\".\nBronco 1: Are we late for the party?\nBronco 2: What the hell town is this?\nSinging: There you are, like a throbbing star. I want-\nLiane: Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!\nChef: Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!\nLiane: Woooh! Whooppee!! [She throws her arms out in ecstasy.] Unhh!\nScene Description: A hand appears from under the hay. Chef grabs it and pulls the rest of the body up.\nChef: Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!\nMr. Garrison: You're drunk, Mr. Hat!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison is rather pleased that he did quite a bit without getting caught. Liane now looks at Mr. Garrison.\nSinging: There you are-\nChef: Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!\nLiane: Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a menage o'three?\nChef: Yeah! When two women are involved. [Moves away.]\nMr. Garrison: Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman.\nScene Description: He moves quickly on top of her and starts kissing her.\nChef: And that's... who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!\nCartman: No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!\nScene Description: Stan's house that afternoon. He, Kyle, and Grandpa are once again looking at TV\nAnnouncer: And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-\nBob Saget: Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.\nCartman: Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.\nScene Description: The audience is watching.\nPolly: I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all.\nScene Description: The audience starts to laugh.\nCartman: Really? You don't think so?\nClyde: Naw, you're not fat.\nCartman: [Grabs a teacup.] Gee, that's kewl.\nScene Description: The audience is laughing harder. Stan and Kyle are laughing with the audience, and Stan's parents appear.\nSharon: Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.\nStan: Huh? [Looks up at them.] Oh yeah.\nRandy: Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?\nStan: How 'bout some ice cream?\nKyle: Yeah, with butterscotch.\nScene Description: Stan nods in agreement.\nSharon: You bet, you poor dears.\nBob Saget: Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is [Drumroll crescendo.] Little Boy's Tea Party.\nKyle: Woohoo!\nStan: Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!\nKyle: We're gonna win $10,000! [Grandpa doesn't look pleased...]\nStan: Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! [Kyle dances gleefully.]\nScene Description: The Bar. Mr. McCormick and Mr. Garrison are at the bar.\nMr. Garrison: Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat: Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem! [To the barkeep.] Another Cosmo, please.\nScene Description: Cartman barges in throwing the bar doors open.\nCartman: All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!\nMr. Garrison: What the hell are you talking about, Eric?\nCartman: It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!\nMr. Garrison: [Gasps.] Oh.\nJimbo: Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.\nMr. Garrison: I am not gay!\nCartman: Then you did sleep with my mom?\nMr. Garrison: No!\nJimbo: He's gay!!\nMr. Garrison: Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?!\nScene Description: Everything stops and gasps are heard.\nMr. Garrison: Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?\nScene Description: Two men at a table look around and get shocked. Principal Victoria and Mayor McDaniels are seen next.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oooooh.\nMayor McDaniels: [At the same time] Hmmm.\nScene Description: Jesus and Father Maxi look shocked as well. No one moves.\nGrizzled Man: I haven't.\nMr. Garrison: ...You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!\nHalfy: Oh. Yeah.\nMr. Garrison: So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know.\nScene Description: Cartman slumps and Jimbo takes pity on him.\nJimbo: [Approaching him.] Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean.\nScene Description: A dirge plays as Cartman heads out of the bar. Jimbo and Mr. Garrison look on, as do Jesus and Father Maxi.\nMephesto: Wait, wait. [Cartman stops.] I know a way to find out.\nScene Description: He is at the bar with his little friend, Kevin.\nCartman: [Turns around.] How?\nMephesto: At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.\nCartman: Really? You can? [The dirge turns hopeful.]\nMephesto: Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but...\nCartman: How much?\nMephesto: Three thousand should cover it.\nCartman: I don't have $3000.\nMephesto: Oh. Never mind.\nScene Description: The bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle are waiting.\nStan: Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.\nKyle: I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.\nCartman: [Depressed.] Hi guys.\nStan: How's it going, Cartman?\nCartman: Oh, fine. How are you guys?\nScene Description: Kyle looks at Stan, both are worried.\nKyle: Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?\nCartman: Ohh. Nothing. It's just... nothing.\nStan: Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?\nCartman: Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but... to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and... I don't have $3000.\nStan: Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.\nCartman: Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh...\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other again, seeing who'll make a move first.\nCartman: Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while.\nKyle: Uuuh, Cartman. We know how you can get $3000.\nCartman: [Suddenly bright.] You do?\nStan: Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and... if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.\nCartman: You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!\nStan: Uh, yyeah.\nScene Description: Cartman's house that night. The boys are on the sofa.\nAnnouncer: And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-\nCartman: What kind of video did you guys make?\nStan: Uuh, you'll see.\nBob Saget: Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos-first it's... \"Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head.\"\nFalsetto Bob Saget: Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. [The dog picks up a hat and walks towards a man on a chair.] Hahaha. [Leaps up behind the man and drops the hat in place.] Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, [Jumps off, and the man turns to see the camera.] hehehahahuh.\nScene Description: The audience laughs. One woman with red curly hair is particularly tickled by the video.\nBob Saget: And now our second finalist, \"Little Boy Has A Tea Party.\"\nScene Description: Cartman reacts to what he sees on screen, which is a video of his tea party two days before.\nCartman: Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.\nPolly: Oh, thank you, Eric.\nScene Description: The audience starts to laugh. Cartman is shocked, and Kyle, seeing Cartman's reaction, is afraid.\nBob Saget: Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh.\nStan: We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money!\nScene Description: Cartman's anger is beginning to build.\nCartman: I... am... so... pissed... off... right... now.\nKyle: [Trying some encouragement] They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win!\nScene Description: Stan smiles, Kyle throws his arms up.\nKyle: We're gonna win!.\nBob Saget: And finally our third contestant, \"Young Child Gets Hit By A Train.\"\nFalsetto Bob Saget: Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.\nScene Description: It is the scene where Kenny gets killed. Stan and Kyle are shocked, Cartman is angrier.\nFalsetto Bob Saget: Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started.\nScene Description: The go-cart starts and pulls Kenny along 'round a corner, back again, into some tree, and finally onto the railroad tracks.\nFalsetto Bob Saget: Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train.\nScene Description: The train demolishes him.\nFalsetto Bob Saget: Ooooh, I sure did.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle are agape, and the audience roars with laughter.\nStan: Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nBob Saget: Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh.\nScene Description: The audience continues laughing.\nBob Saget: And the winner is, naturally, \"Little Boy Being Hit By A Train,\"\nScene Description: Stan is stunned, Kyle is cross.\nBob Saget: Nnnnhnnnhnnnh.\nScene Description: The audience laughs harder.\nStan: Dude. We lost.\nKyle: Dammit!\nCartman: [Slowly, deliberately.] I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously.\nScene Description: Getting more livid with every word.\nBob Saget: Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.\nGrandpa: I won! I won!\nScene Description: Stan's eyes grow large.\nStan: Grandpa!!\nBob Saget: Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time.\nScene Description: He chuckles as the show ends.\nKyle: Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test.\nScene Description: Cartman is very livid now.\nCartman: Kill... you... guys! Kill you guys!!\nScene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Thunder and lightning abound.\nMephesto: All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef [Blinks up.], Jimbo [A bit shocked.], Mr. Garrison [Eyebrows up.], Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski [Surprised.], myself, my friend Kevin [Looks up at him.], or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.\nStan: Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!\nMephesto: The test results are in this envelope.\nScene Description: Cartman is hopeful.\nMephesto: Shall I... open it?\nMr. Garrison: [Impatiently.] Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!\nMephesto: Erhum ehrum uh [Gasps.] The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-\nAnnouncer: [An organ plays.] Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water? [Looks askance.] Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto? [Looks around.] Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?\nJimbo: Nope. He's gay.\nMr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!\nAnnouncer: Is it Jimbo?\nJimbo: [Aghast.] Daaagh!\nAnnouncer: Or is Officer Barbrady?\nOfficer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!\nAnnouncer: Or could it be Ned?\nNed: Could be.\nAnnouncer: Or Mr. Broflovski??\nKyle: [Pissed.] Dad, how could you?!\nAnnouncer: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.\nCartman: [Record scratches.] What?! [Enunciating] Son of a bitch!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park.\nAnnouncer 1: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage... will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.\nScene Description: SPECIAL PRESENTATIONAPRIL FOOLS[A kazoo is heard.]'\nAnnouncer 2: [Theme music plays.] Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip appear in turn.\nAnnouncer 2: Terrance and Phillip in HBC's Movie of the Week:\nScene Description: The title comes into view and a heavy bass thump is heard.\nAnnouncer 2: Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story.\nScene Description: Canadian Courthouse 10:18 A.M. Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in on the courthouse.\nScott the Dick: Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer.\nScene Description: He demonstrates this\nScott: That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance!\nScene Description: Suspenseful notes play. Terrance farts and both he and Phillip laugh about it.\nPhillip: Oh, Terrance, You farted in court.\nTerrance: Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense. [They laugh again.]\nScott: [Approaching the displays.] All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt,\nScene Description: A hole is seen on the left shoulder of Terrance's shirt. He quickly puts his right hand over it and looks around nervously.\nScott: a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called, Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer. \"Dr. O'Dwyer Time to have your head smashed in with my new hammer.\"\nScene Description: Terrance is aghast at the mountain of evidence against him..\nScott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God. J'accuse, Terrance.\nTerrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?\nPhillip: Yes, please.\nScene Description: Terrance farts and has the jury laughing.\nTerrance: That's called the monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.\nPhillip: The monkey claw is smelly.\nJudge: [Bangs his gavels twice.] Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here.\nPhillip: My sentiments exactly, Your Honor. I see from your actions that you're southern Canadian.\nJudge: That is correct.\nPhillip: Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man. [Farts.]\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument.\nPhillip: I have, haven't I, Terrance?\nScene Description: He farts again. The jurors and Terrance laugh.\nScott: Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny, but they're not! [Thumps the table.]\nJudge: [Gavels] Sustained.\nPhillip: Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?\nScene Description: Shows a picture of Terrance feeding a llama. The jury is silent.\nPhillip: Of course not. So in summation, find Terrance innocent. Or else he'll kill you.\nScene Description: The jury gasps softly. Terrance and Phillip laugh.\nPhillip: Just kidding.\nScene Description: Terrance is laughing so hard he thumps the table twice.\nPhillip: The defense rests.\nScene Description: Phillip returns to his table, farting on Scott on the way over. The jurors and audience laugh.\nScott: Goddammit! That isn't funny!\nJudge: Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell outta here?\nMadame Foreperson: We have, Your Honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer-\nScene Description: Terrance farts, then laughs. Phillip joins in.\nJudge: You're gonna have to repeat that verdict because we have some flatulence issues.\nMadame Foreperson: I said, we find-\nScene Description: Terrance farts.\nMadame Foreperson: We find Terrance-\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip fart.\nMadame Foreperson: Not guilty!!\nPhillip: Did you hear that, Terrance? You're not guilty.\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber.\nScene Description: They look at each other for a moment, and laugh.\nScene Description: Outside the courthouse. Terrance and Phillip descend the steps, which are lined with news crews ready to interrogate anyone who wants to talk.\nTerrance: That sure was fun, Phillip. Let's go home and eat Kraft Dinner.\nPhillip: Hear hear.\nScott: [Coming over.] Well, looks like you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip!\nPhillip: Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?\nScott: There are hard feelings! This isn't over. I'm going ta see to it that you both pay for what you've done. And do you know why?\nPhillip: 'Cause you're a dick?\nScott: No, Because I hate you. You think farting is so funny. Well, it isn't!! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I-\nScene Description: Phillip farts; he and Terrance laugh.\nScott: Ugh! I hate you both! I've hated you ever since I could remember! I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer.\nScene Description: The laughter stops quick.\nPhillip: Cancer?\nScott: Yes. In the head.\nTerrance: Head cancer?\nScott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day! [Leaves.]\nTerrance: Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.\nPhillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.\nTerrance: [Wondering.] But we're not gay, Phillip.\nPhillip: We're not? [The news crews leave.]\nTerrance: Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kraft Dinner.\nPhillip: Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kraft Dinner can calm my nerves.\nScene Description: On the subway, Terrance and Phillip are alone. Phillip farts, and they both laugh.\nTerrance: Say, Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week.\nPhillip: He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next.\nTerrance: God only knows.\nPhillip: The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.\nTerrance: It sure is. Let's look for treasure.\nPhillip: Yes, let's look for treasure.\nScene Description: This is a luxurious subway. There are compartments between the seats into which one may put belongings and such. Terrance opens the compartment to his left, and Phillip the one to his right. Phillip then opens the one to his left and they both look in.\nScene Description: Scott's House 11:57 A.M. The phone rings and Scott answers.\nScott: Hello?\nVoice: Hello, Is this Scott, from Canada?\nScott: Yess, yes it is.\nVoice: You're a Journalist, right?\nScott: Yes. I'm a television critic for a magazine.\nVoice: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.\nScene Description: The voice is in a dark room, seated in a high-backed chair, turned away from the camera.\nScott: Yes! Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not!\nVoice: Well, what about I help you get rid of them once and for all?\nScott: Who is this?\nVoice: Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you, if you help me.\nScene Description: The chair swivels 'round and a familiar face appears...\nVoice: Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.\nScott: [Surprised.] Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?\nScene Description: A Republican Guard stands at either side of Saddam.\nSaddam Hussein: Eey, relax guy. I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.\nScott: What do you want?\nSaddam: You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends in to Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super! Let's get started.\nScott: I'm not sure I should trust you.\nSaddam: Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! Trust me!\nScene Description: Saddam grins. Scott looks uncertain.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip reach home.\nTerrance: Well. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.\nScene Description: Someone approaches.\nPhillip: Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob.\nUgly Bob: Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.\nTerrance: My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.\nUgly Bob: How can you guys say stuff like that?\nTerrance: Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob.\nUgly Bob: I know, but-\nPhillip: Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.\nUgly Bob: I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.\nTerrance: No it isn't. [They laugh.] Wanna see what's on the inside of me?\nScene Description: Terrance farts. They laugh about it. Bob is unfazed.\nPhillip: Wait wait. I've got an idea. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?\nTerrance: Yes.\nScene Description: Phillip slips the bag over Bob's head.\nTerrance: If people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.\nUgly Bob: Really? Hey, thanks, you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.\nTerrance: Sure you can, Ugly Bob. If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you.\nUgly Bob: Thanks, you guys.\nScene Description: They part ways.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.\nPhillip: Hello Barky. Hello Purry.\nBarky: Bark, bark.\nPurry: Purr, purr.\nPhillip: Say Terrance, I was just aboot to make some Kraft Dinner. Would you like some?\nTerrance: You know I never turn down Kraft Dinner, Phillip.\nScene Description: Terrance farts. He and the animals laugh.\nTerrance: I'm going to put on a pirate costume.\nScene Description: Terrance goes to his room. The door bell rings. Phillip opens the door.\nDelivery man: Special delivery for Terrance.\nScene Description: He smokes a pipe. The delivery is a letter.\nPhillip: I'll take that.\nDelivery man: Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here. [Signs all the forms.] And here. [Signs the last one.]\nPhillip: Ooh, Terrannce! [The delivery man leaves.] You got a letter!\nTerrance: [Now dressed as a pirate.] Shiver me timbers, Phillip. At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft Dinner. [Reads the letter.] Oh my God!\nPhillip: What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?\nTerrance: No! It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.\nPhillip: Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally? God, why? Say, Terrance, who's Sally?\nTerrance: My daughter.\nPhillip: I never know you had a daughter, Terrance.\nTerrance: Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearty?\nPhillip: No, you never did, Terrance.\nTerrance: Oh. Well. It all began fifteen years ago.\nScene Description: 44 HOURS LATER...\nPhillip: My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance. Especially the part aboot Celine Dion.\nTerrance: Yes, indeed. [Takes off the hat.] But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran. [Takes off the eye patch.] And I will have to go and find her.\nPhillip: Then I'll go with you, Terrance.\nTerrance: You're such a good friend, Phillip.\nPhillip: Well, you know what they say: A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner.\nTerrance: Avast there, mateys.\nScene Description: Celine Dion's House 1:15 P.M. Terrance arrives and rings the doorbell.\nTerrance: Hello, Celine Dion.\nCeline Dion: Terrance, this is quite a surprise.\nTerrance: You're looking well.\nCeline Dion: And you.\nTerrance: Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?\nCeline Dion: She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?\nTerrance: Wrong. She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner.\nCeline Dion: What?!\nTerrance: Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.\nCeline Dion: [Gasps.] Oh, Terrance. What happened to us?\nTerrance: We just grew apart, Celine Dion. [He turns to leave.]\nCeline Dion: Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance.\nScene Description: He farts and they both laugh.\nScene Description: Canadian Airport 11:05 A.M. Terrance and Phillip are there to purchase tickets to Iran.\nPhillip: Hello, Ugly Bob.\nUgly Bob: Hi, guys.\nTerrance: How's the paper bag working out?\nUgly Bob: People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.\nTerrance: Terrific! We need two tickets for Tehran, please.\nUgly Bob: Tehran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there!\nPhillip: Dammit man! [Bangs on the counter.] Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!!\nScene Description: Terrance laughs nervously.\nUgly Bob: All right, then. There's a flight leaving today.\nPhillip: Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.\nTerrance: In-deed, Phillip.\nPhillip: Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kroff Dinner.\nTerrance: Same here, Phillip!\nPhillip: O Ca-nada, Our home and native land,\nTerrance/Phillip: True patriot love, In all thy sons' command,\nSmall Group: [Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and two others] With glowing hearts we see thee rise,\nMiddling Group: [Four more...] The True North, strong and free\nLarger Group: [The folks at the kiosk join in.] From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee,\nCrowd: God keep our land...\nScene Description: Scott peeks out from behind a corner, talking to Saddam on a cell phone.\nScott: Scott to Red Dragon, come in, Red Dragon.\nSaddam: Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.\nScott: The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.\nSaddam: Excellent! My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?\nScott: Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.\nSaddam: Hey, relax, guy. I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.\nScott: Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out.\nScene Description: He puts the phone away.\nScott: [To himself.] I've got you now, you fart-lovin' fart-lovers.\nScene Description: On the flight to Tehran, Terrance and Phillip leave British Columbia, fly over the western and southwestern U.S., and over the Gulf of Mexico. Over the Yucatan Peninsula Terrance farts, they laugh, and the plane turns towards the Atlantic.\nTerrance: I Got Ya.\nScene Description: They laugh again. Over the Pyrenees, Phillip farts, the plane moves towards North Africa, then turns again for Italy.\nPhillip: Burned your face.\nScene Description: The plane heads for Egypt, where another fart forces it towards the Black Sea. Once they cross it, another fart forces the plane to cross the Black Sea again...\nTerrance: Ow, that's rancid. Hahahahaha.\nScene Description: It then turns towards Iran when it is in southern Turkey. It lands in...\nScene Description: Tehran 2:30 P.M. Terrance and Phillip walk among the crowds in the city.\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.\nPhillip: Oh, look. There she is.\nScene Description: He points at a girl wearing a yellow dress and pink bow - not Arab dress in the least.\nTerrance: Oh, good.\nScene Description: They make their way to her.\nSally: Goo. Where?\nTerrance: I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance.\nScene Description: He picks her up in his arms.\nTerrance: I'm here to save you from your smelly Arabian captors.\nSally: Pa-pa.\nPhillip: Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance.\nScene Description: Sally farts.\nPhillip: Oh, now I see the resemblance!\nTerrance: Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.\nScene Description: On the flight home she farts again and Terrance and Phillip laugh.\nScene Description: Canadian Airport 3:45 P.M. The plane lands.\nTerrance: Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again.\nPhillip: Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.\nTerrance: No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.\nScene Description: Phillip notices something.\nPhillip: Oh my God! [Terrance looks.] What is this?!\nScene Description: There are pictures of Saddam Hussein plastered all over the city, and ominous music plays.\nPhillip: Is this Canada?\nTerrance: It seems to have changed.\nPhillip: This is madness!\nTerrance: What's going on, Phillip? How can Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?\nPhillip: I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?\nTerrance: I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.\nScene Description: Celine Dion's House 4:02 P.M. Terrance and Phillip arrive with Sally. Terrance knocks, and Celine opens the door.\nTerrance: Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that-\nCeline Dion: Terrance, ha, could you come back a little later?\nTerrance: Why?!\nCeline Dion: Ah, I'm just a little busy right now.\nTerrance: You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?\nCeline Dion: Well, I...\nScene Description: Ugly Bob comes out behind her.\nUgly Bob: Hi guys.\nPhillip: Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!!\nTerrance: What the hell are you doing here?!\nUgly Bob: I'm doing Celine Dion; what's it look like?\nTerrance: Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob!\nCeline Dion: What do you mean? Why are you calling him \"Ugly Bob\"?\nPhillip: Because that's his name, you stupid bitch!\nScene Description: She turns to Ugly Bob.\nCeline Dion: You told me your name \"Handsome Bob\"!\nTerrance: Look at him, Celine Dion.\nScene Description: Terrance pulls the bag off.\nCeline Dion: Aaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhh!!!\nPhillip: Behold his horrible face.\nCeline Dion: Oh my God, he's hideously ugly! And I am pregnant with his child!\nTerrance: What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!!\nCeline Dion: I'm going to have a freak baby!!\nPhillip: Ohh, the humanity!!\nScene Description: Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:03 P.M. Scott enters the cabin.\nScott: Hey, Saddam. You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that, but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?\nSaddam: Huh? Oh that? Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest.\nScott: ...No I don't need a rest!! I want to know what this is all aboot.\nSaddam: Hey, relax, fella. I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran.\nScott: I thought you were from Iraq.\nSaddam: Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy!\nScene Description: Downtown Canada 4:04 P.M. Saddam's troops are filing past the buildings as Terrance and Phillip look on. Terrance farts and the two laugh.\nTerrance: Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada.\nPhillip: Yes. I agree whole-fartedly.\nScene Description: They laugh. Scott rushes up to them.\nScott: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?\nTerrance: Oh, hello, Scott.\nScott: You're not supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped-\nScene Description: Puts left hand to mouth.\nScott: Ah, I mean, how are you guys today?\nPhillip: Wait, what were you saying?\nScott: Nothing, why?\nTerrance: Hey, Scott. Guess what?\nScott: What?\nScene Description: Terrance farts and they laugh.\nScott: Aargh! I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both!\nScene Description: He then puts his fists forth and concentrates mightily on them. They simply stand back.\nPhillip: What are you doing, Scott?\nScott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.\nPhillip: Cancer?!\nScott: That's right. I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.\nTerrance: Ooh, stop that!\nScene Description: He grabs Phillip as a shield, then pulls him back.\nPhillip: Hey, don't give me cancer!\nScene Description: Scott advances.\nScene Description: Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:05 P.M. Two U.S. Army Officials arrive.\nU.S. Army official: Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.\nSaddam: Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off, relax.\nU.S. Army official: You seem to be... taking over Canada.\nSaddam: Taking over Canada? Me? Eeeyy, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs.\nU.S. Army official: We didn't say anything about bombs.\nSaddam: Oh. You didn't? Hey, relax.\nU.S. Army official: We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada, and after that, we're gonna bomb all of Iran.\nSaddam: I'm from Iraq.\nU.S. Army official: Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?\nScene Description: The officials leave.\nGuard on right: Euugh. I hate Americans. Please, let me kill them!\nSaddam: No, no. You need to relax, guy. Remember the plan: first we take over Canada, then we'll have to go after the female pop vocalist. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!\nScene Description: He laughs wickedly and rolls all over his desk.\nScott: [Returning.] What's so funny!\nSaddam: Nothing! Relax, brother.\nScott: Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada!\nSaddam: Oh, really?\nScott: You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain!\nSaddam: [Thumps his desk.] I changed my mind. [Thumps his desk again.] Pray that I don't change it any further.\nScene Description: The guard on the right cocks his machine gun and Scott is chagrined.\nScott: This deal's getting worse all the time.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip's House 4:06 P.M. They are at home eating Kroff Dinner on the sofa.\nPhillip: Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television.\nTerrance: Yes. We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid T.V. shows.\nPhillip: Oh look. Here's a show. [Jerry Springer.]\nWoman 1: ...well fuck you.\nWoman 2: Arrrggghh! [Lunges at woman 1.]\nSpringer: And this is what life would be like...\nTerrance: It's so stupid!\nPhillip: Goddamn, their TV shows are lame!\nScene Description: The next show they see is South Park.\nMephesto: The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip laugh over the line.\nPhillip: Look at their silly American heads.\nTerrance: They look like groundhogs.\nCartman: He's my father?!\nScene Description: Phillip clicks a new channel.\nAnchor: And in other news it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote: \"Hey, relax, fella. You need a rest, guy.\"\nTerrance: Hey, Phillip. Isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town?\nPhillip: Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsie, he's some kind of Turkish dictator.\nTerrance: Well, we just can't sit here and eat Kroff Dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks!\nScene Description: The phone rings, and they laugh.\nPhillip: That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance.\nTerrance: It sure did, Phillip.\nScene Description: The phone rings again, and Terrance looks.\nTerrance: Oh, wait. That is the phone.\nScene Description: He sets his plate aside and gets up to answer it.\nTerrance: Hello?\nScott: Terrance, this is Scott.\nTerrance: Oh. [To Phillip.] Hey, it's Scott.\nScene Description: He covers the receiver while Phillip answers.\nPhillip: Tell him he's a smelly bastard.\nTerrance: Phillip says hello, Scott.\nScott: Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada! And only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer.\nTerrance: You are such a dick, Scott.\nScott: You're a dick.\nTerrance: You're a dick.\nScott: You're a dick.\nTerrance: You're a dick.\nScott: You're a dick.\nTerrance: You're a dick.\nScott: [Pause.] You're a dick.\nTerrance: You're a dick.\nScott: The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada. You give other Canadians a bad name. And if I had my hair-\nTerrance: I'm sorry, Scott. Could you hold on a minute?\nScott: Sure.\nScene Description: Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He and Phillip laugh as he lowers his leg.\nTerrance: How do you like that, Scott?!\nScott: You son of a bitch! I'll get you if it's the last thin-\nTerrance: Oh wait, I have another call on, Scott. Can you hold on?\nScott: Sure.\nScene Description: Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He lowers his leg and resumes talking.\nTerrance: Oh, that was Sir Smelly. He says 'hello.'\nScott: Goddammit!\nTerrance: Oh, wait a second, Scott.\nScott: Sure.\nScene Description: Terrance raises his left leg...\nScott: I mean, no! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant in half an hour. [Hangs up.]\nScene Description: Celine Dion's House 4:07 P.M. Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are back in bed.\nCeline Dion: Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.\nScene Description: She puffs on a cigarette.\nUgly Bob: Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.\nCeline Dion: We can only hope. I suppose we'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head.\nScene Description: Three Republican Guards burst through the bedroom door, and Saddam follows.\nCeline Dion: What's this?! [Gasps.]\nSaddam: He-yy there. I'm Saddam Hussein. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.\nUgly Bob: Oh no, you don't. She's my bitch.\nSaddam: Eh! Who are you?\nUgly Bob: I'm Bob. But my friends call me \"Ugly Bob\", because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.\nSaddam: Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see.\nScene Description: Bob takes off the bag and everybody in the room screams.\nSaddam: Well, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours.\nScene Description: Bob and Celine now look at him.\nUgly Bob: You can?\nSaddam: Sure! I just need a favor. There is a Canadian football game tomorrow: the Ottawa Roughriders vs. the Vancouver Roughriders. It is at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.\nCeline Dion: What? Why?\nSaddam: Hey! Don't worry about that. Take a load off, don't worry about it. Look over here. All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game - to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?\nUgly Bob: Did you say, \"hostile takeover of Canada\"?\nSaddam: No, no, relax there, fella!\nScene Description: Celine takes another bag and places it over Bob's head.\nScene Description: Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace 4:36 P.M. Terrance and Phillip are there. So are some pictures of Saddam.\nTerrance: Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up.\nScene Description: Phillip farts and they laugh.\nPhillip: Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?\nTerrance: Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure.\nScene Description: Phillip looks around, but Terrance ends up looking at his feet.\nScott: [Arrives.] What are you idiots doing?\nTerrance: We're looking for treasure!\nScott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?\nPhillip: No, we're searching for treasure.\nScott: Listen. I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictator who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.\nTerrance: Yes. You mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.\nScott: Well, what are you two gonna do aboat it?\nPhillip: What do you mean?\nScott: It's your fault that he's here! You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter! [they gasp.]\nPhillip: You mean, we are to blame?!\nScott: That's right. And now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada, at the Roughriders-Roughriders football game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this.\nScene Description: He hands him a box with a watch face on it.\nPhillip: What is this?\nScott: It's a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.\nTerrance: That plan's scary!\nScott: Well, you must do it for Canada.\nPhillip: For Canada, Terrance.\nScene Description: A display of solidarity begins. He puts his arm behind Terrance.\nTerrance: For Canada, Phillip.\nScene Description: Terrance puts his arm behind Phillip. Then they let go and leave.\nScott: Yes, Terrance and Phillip. And when the dust is settled, Canada will be rid of both: the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.\nTerrance: Well. Phillip, I am very sad that we have to die for Canada.\nPhillip: Yes. This bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.\nScene Description: Terrance farts, and they laugh.\nTerrance: That's funny!\nPhillip: Hey! Wait a minute. That fart gives me pause.\nTerrance: Why is that?\nPhillip: That smelly Saddam Hussein. He uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?\nTerrance: Yes. Apparently, he does.\nPhillip: Terrance! Get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can!\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip. It sounds like you have an idea.\nPhillip: I do, Terrance.\nScene Description: Phillip picks up the receiver and dials away... Barky comes up and farts, then leaves. Terrance and Phillip laugh.\nScene Description: Canada Stadium 11:32 A.M.\nAnnouncer: And the Roughriders are giving the Roughriders a run for their money! [Not if the score is valid: 28-7.] All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders [To his right.] are simply outmatched by these Roughriders [To his left. Red and blue Roughriders go after the football and time runs out. A horn blows and the referee blows his whistle.] And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show: Saddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers!\nScene Description: A long platform is put together from two shorter ones, each one having half the Canadian flag. The flag is made whole when the platforms are put together. A band plays and walks across the field and the crowd cheers.\nTerrance: Well, I guess it's time, old friend.\nPhillip: Yes. Prepare the alert!\nScene Description: Saddam climbs onto the platform with some difficulty, then rights himself and takes the microphone.\nSaddam: Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax. Take a rest. Lift your feet up. Those Dogs Are Barking.\nScene Description: He waits for a reaction, but none comes.\nSaddam: You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as \"New Baghdad!\" Qoloh Qalah!\nScene Description: A Canadian flag is taken down from its pole and an Iraqi one put up in its place. An Iraqi one is placed over the Canadian one on the platform. The audience gasps.\nSaddam: You will bow down to me as your ruler! You will obey my laws or you will be killed!!\nScene Description: Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are standing by as Saddam laughs derisively.\nSaddam: And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem...\nScene Description: A guard nudges Celine towards the microphone with the tip of his machine gun.\nSaddam: Or you will be stabbed in the head!\nCeline Dion: Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht...\nTerrance: Now, Phlllip?\nPhlllip: Now, Terrance.\nScene Description: He puts on his gas-mask while Terrance brings out a bugle and sounds the alert. Everyone in the stadium then puts on masks.\nSaddam: Hey!! What the hell is this?\nScene Description: Celine puts on her mask.\nCeline: Freh kashu kaliakaliakatchut...\nScene Description: People all around the stadium turn around and start to drop trousers, and fart. One man stands on his hands, leaving his derriere high in the air with legs spread open. A brown cloud starts to form over the stadium and it descends into the gridiron. Saddam starts to gag.\nGuard: They're using chemical warfare! How could they?!\nScene Description: More brown clouds sweep across the field and seem to sweep Saddam along with them. He stumbles to the edge of the platform and the crowd cheers loudly. He finally falls and the clouds start to lift away. The Iraqi flag falls off the side of the platform as the people remove their masks and cheer some more.\nTerrance: We did it, Phillip! We destroyed the Turks!\nPhillip: Oh, Glorious Day!\nScene Description: Some people come down and start kicking Saddam around. Bob and Celine take off their masks while holding hands. She takes her hand away and quickly places a paper bag on Bob's head. A woman takes Saddam's left arm, a man takes his head. Terrance and Phillip come down from their seats and rush to the platform, and all stadium seats are now empty. Terrance and Celine hold hands.\nCeline Dion: Phillip, Terrance! You've saved Canada!\nTerrance: Ooh, it was all Phillip's idea.\nScene Description: They progress to full embrace.\nUgly Bob: God bless you, Phillip. [Embraces him.]\nPhillip: [Pulls away.] Don't touch me, Ugly Bob!\nScott: [Walking up.] Hey, What the hell happened? You were supposed to be blown up!\nPhillip: We came up with a better plan. You see, Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada.\nScott: Oh! That is so juvenile!\nScene Description: Terrance and Celine have let go of each other.\nTerrance: Hey, Scott, you like apples?\nScott: Of course!\nTerrance: [Farts on him.] How do you like them apples? [Laughs heartily.]\nScott: I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!!! [Goes away.]\nTerrance: Oh Celine Dion. You never finished that national anthem.\nCeline Dion: You're right, Terrance. You're right.\nScene Description: She walks forth and grabs the microphone\nCeline Dion: O Canada, our home and native land,\nScene Description: Celine, Terrance, Bob, Phillip, and people on the field\nCrowd: True patriot love in all thy sons command\nLarge Crowd: With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North, strong and free,\nScene Description: A man uses Saddam's head like that of a dummy and provides a falsetto for it. The words scroll across the scoreboard.\nCrowd outside: From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee God keep our land glorious and free Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee\nScene Description: The camera pulls away from the stadium, and then from Canada, as if on a plane. More crowds are seen, then some cabins, some mountains, and finally a moose.\nCrowd: Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee\nScene Description: The whole scene is now framed in a maple-leaf outline, with the moose in the center grazing. He looks up. When the anthem ends Terrance farts once more and laughs away. His laughter echoes.\nScene Description: End credits roll and theme music plays.\nAnnouncer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park.\nAnnouncer 2: Previously, on South Park: an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy.\nScene Description: A shot of Cartman chowing down on cookies and milk.\nAnnouncer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this episode, you will know the answer.\nScene Description: Opening warning and theme song. Much has been added. Then the episode resumes at the laboratory.\nMephesto: And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room.\nCartman: Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.\nScene Description: Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices.\nStan: Oooh- hey, Kenny.\nMephesto: Gentlemen, the father is...\nScene Description: The lights go out.\nMr. Garrison: Hey, what the hell's going on?\nJimbo: It's a power outage!\nScene Description: Two gunshots, then a body is heard falling. The lights go back on and the men settle down.\nChef: Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot!\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh my God, look!\nScene Description: Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his ass-headed cane next to him.\nKenny: (Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)\nKyle: You bastards!\nMr. Garrison: Mephesto's been shot.\nScene Description: Everyone gathers around Mephesto.\nChef: Is he ...dead?\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned stand near a newly broken window.\nJimbo: Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!\nMr. Garrison: Then who was it?\nAnnouncer 1: Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-\nCartman: Ey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!\nAnnouncer 1: Or was it Sheila Broflovski?\nChef: [Listening to Mephesto's chest.] Waait! [Getting up.] He's still breathin'! He's not dead.\nCartman: [Grabbing Mephesto's shirt.] Goddammit! Who's my father?\nChef: [About to lift Mephesto.] We've got to get him to the hospital.\nCartman: You've got to be kidding me!\nChef: Come on, children!\nScene Description: Chef carries Mephesto out the door. Cartman follows.\nCartman: Eeeehh..!\nGerald Broflovski: Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this.\nScene Description: Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away.\nJimbo: There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.\nAnnouncer 1: Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?\nScene Description: Chef is driving up a hill with the kids and Mephesto.\nCartman: Is he awake yet?\nKyle: [Checking.] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.\nChef: Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.\nKyle: What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?\nChef: I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to... [Mad at himself.] Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?\nStan: Could you pull over so I can get out?\nChef: What? We have to get to the hospital.\nStan: I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it; I can't stand hospitals.\nChef: Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?\nKyle: Man, it's really starting to snow.\nScene Description: The scene outside is filled with snow falling as Chef drives by.\nKyle: I hope they don't close the roads.\nCartman: They can't. Mephesto can't die.\nKyle: Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.\nCartman: No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, \"Come Sail Away\", by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.\nKyle: Really?\nCartman: Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.\nScene Description: Kyle looks at Stan, who looks back. Kyle begins.\nKyle: I'm sailing away...\nCartman: No! Don't!\nKyle: Set an open course for the virgin sea...\nScene Description: Cartman tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong.\nCartman: Eh-\nScene Description: Two short gasps follow, then Cartman races through...\nCartman: For I've got to be free, Free to face the life that's ahead of me, On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard, We'll search for tomorrow, on every shore, And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on, Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay, A gathering of angels appeared above my head, They sang to us this song of hope, And this is what they said, Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads, Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me\nScene Description: The car passes a sign for Hell's Pass Hospital.\nCartman: I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads\nScene Description: Cartman is out of breath, breathing heavily, Chef keeps driving.\nKyle: Whoa, dude!\nScene Description: City Hall, first night. Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Sharon, and Jimbo are assembled before the Mayor.\nJimbo: What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!\nSheila: We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.\nSharon: Uh... Where are our children?\nScene Description: They look around.\nMayor McDaniels: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?\nOfficer Barbrady: Hmmm... That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking.\nScene Description: A man and his boom mic operator rush in.\nMan: Mayor! Mayor!\nMayor McDaniels: [Aside to an aide.] The press is here.\nSid Greenfield: My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted.\nMayor McDaniels: [Amazed.] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.\nGreenfield: We're desperate for stories.\nScene Description: The boom mic operator thumps him.\nGreenfield: A-and this one is so compelling.\nMayor McDaniels: [Aroused.] Really??\nGreenfield: Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hey, I thought of something. [Close-up.] Uh... no, wait, that's subtraction.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?\nJimbo: Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi-\nMayor McDaniels: Shh.\nGreenfield: We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.\nMayor McDaniels: Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?\nGreenfield: Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.\nCameraman: It is?\nMayor McDaniels: [Thoughtfully.] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!\nGreenfield: Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?\nAnnouncer 1: Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady? Chef?\nScene Description: At the Unplanned Parenthood Clinic, it is snowing.\nLiane: I want to have... an abortion.\nReceptionist: Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs...\nLiane: Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.\nReceptionist: Yes, Ms. Cartman. If you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?\nLiane: About eight years ago.\nReceptionist: [Processing.] ...I sseee, so the fetus is...\nLiane: Eight years old.\nReceptionist: Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.\nLiane: Really?\nReceptionist: Yes, this is what we would refer to as the \"fortieth trimester\".\nLiane: But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.\nReceptionist: Wuh... But we prefer to abort babies a little- ...earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester.\nLiane: Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.\nReceptionist: Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman. If you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman.\nLiane: [Rises from the chair.] Well, that's exactly what I intend to do. Good day!\nScene Description: She leaves, meanwhile at the Hell's Pass Hospital, Chef and the children have arrived.\nChef: Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in.]\nStan: [Stops.] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman pass him.]\nKyle: Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.\nCartman: Yeah, stop being a wuss!\nScene Description: Operating room. A patient lies on the table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter.\nChef: Doctor!\nDr. Doctor: One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!\nScene Description: She reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her mouth.\nKyle: Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!\nDr. Doctor: We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son.\nScene Description: She spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end.\nChef: Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!\nDr. Doctor: I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle.\nStan: [Pained.] Oh man. [Grabs his stomach.] I'm gonna be sick.\nDr. Doctor: There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of.\nScene Description: Squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side.\nStan: Oogh.\nScene Description: Scraping sounds are now heard.\nNurse: Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone.\nStan: Ooooogh.\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor is still driving the syringe.\nDr. Doctor: Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside.\nScene Description: Blood starts bursting from the injection site.\nDr. Doctor: Oops, he's hemorrhaging.\nScene Description: A burst lands next to Stan, who is wide-eyed at this point.\nStan: Aghh!\nDr. Doctor: [Plop.] Ooo! His head fell off.\nStan: I'm gotta get outta here!\nKyle: Stan!\nDr. Doctor: Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.\nScene Description: America's Most Wanted temporary set.\nScene Description: Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the auditorium.\nMephesto Tryout: And the father of Eric Cartman is... Bang! Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot! [Drops the cane.]\nGreenfield: Oh, thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [The actor departs.] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Mister-uhh Garrison.\nAssistant: Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!\nGarrison 1: Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat 1: [Just a sock with two purple disks for eyes.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!\nGreenfield: Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!\nMr. Garrison: I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!\nGreenfield: Thank you! Next!\nMr. Garrison: [Shocked.] What?\nGreenfield: Next!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor enters.\nGarrison 2: [An actor with a deep voice.] I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.\nMr. Hat 2: [A fist with a face drawn on it.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.\nGreenfield: Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison stands dumbstruck. Meanwhile Liane is in bed with her congressman.\nLiane: ...And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.\nO'Reilly: Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.\nLiane: But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.\nO'Reilly: No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff.\nLiane: Oh, dear.\nScene Description: Back at the hospital, Mephest is still on the operating table, sedated.\nDr. Doctor: Well, this is about all I can do for him.\nCartman: Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.\nDr. Doctor: Sorry, son, it might be a while.\nScene Description: Cartman bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around.\nCartman: Wake up, you son of a bitch!\nChef: Whoa!\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor lowers Cartman from atop Mephesto.\nDr. Doctor: Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.\nCartman: I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?\nKyle: Hey, Cartman.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: I'm sailing ay...\nCartman: -way; Set an open course for the virgin sea For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard...\nStan: Okay okay, let's get outta here now!\nCartman: ...We'll search for tomorrow on every shore...\nKyle: [Looking out at the snow storm.] I don't know if that's gonna be too easy.\nCartman: ...And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on...\nDr. Doctor: My God, that's a hell of a storm.\nCartman: I look to the sea; Reflections- -in the waves spark my memory...\nStan: Oh, weak.\nScene Description: Kenny looks up towards the window.\nCartman: ...Some happy, some sad; I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had We lived happily forever, so the-\nScene Description: Back at the studio, auditions have ended, Greenfield is looking at the storm.\nGreenfield: God, I hate mountains. This better not push back our shooting schedule.\nScene Description: The actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone.\nGreenfield: Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it.\nScene Description: Greenfield sees a new actor and turns to his assistant.\nGreenfield: Who's that?\nAssistant: Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to get him to play the part of the little monkey guy.\nGreenfield: Whoa. Talk about \"all washed-up\", huh? Great to have you, Eric!\nScene Description: Eric Roberts stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile.\nGreenfield: Here we go, aaand action.\nMephesto Actor: I want to announce who the father is.\nGreenfield: Bang!!\nMephesto Actor: Oh, I've been shot! [Falls over.]\nBarbrady Actor: Nobody move! I'm a law officer!\nChef Actor: My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!\nMephesto Actor: [As Chef Actor speaks] Whoaw..!\nBarbrady Actor: You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.\nChef Actor: Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!\nBarbrady Actor: Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.\nOfficer Barbrady: Whoa, this is a good movie!\nScene Description: Back at the hospital.\nCartman: Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee\nScene Description: The boys are in the emergency room with a bunch of patients bleeding, getting nauseous, etc.\nStan: Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?\nScene Description: The doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the nurse, a blonde is bleeding from a gash on her neck.\nBlonde: Doctor, I can't focus!\nDr. Doctor: We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly.\nScene Description: She tosses the stethoscope around for a better hold.\nChef: Wait a second. They've closed the pass??\nDr. Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked.\nScene Description: Everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts.\nDr. Doctor: Metaphorically speaking, that is.\nCartman: What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?\nDr. Doctor: He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out.\nScene Description: Bzht. Everything goes black.\nDr. Doctor: Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?\nScene Description: Show time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars.\nVoice-over: Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your host, John Walsh.\nJohn Walsh: Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [His picture appears.] was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructed this heinous crime [The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen.] in hopes that your calls could help solve the case.\nScene Description: A reenactment plays.\nMephesto Actor: [Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane] I've been shot!\nGarrison Actor: [Catches him.] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!\nMr. Hat Actor: Right away, Mr. Garrison.\nEric Roberts as Kevin: No, no! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?\nGreenfield: What the-? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvising lines again!\nChef Actor: I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?\nEric Roberts: This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want-\nGreenfield: God-dammit!\nScene Description: Outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt.\nGreenfield: What the hell is this?!\nCameraman: We've lost the feed to L.A.\nJohn Walsh: Uuuhm... We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.\nAnnouncer 1: Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?\nGreenfield: Somebody go see why we lost the hookup!\nScene Description: The doors fly open and snow is swept in.\nJimbo: Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!\nScene Description: Back at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the backup generator has come online and everyone is running around.\nNurse Goodly: Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine.\nDr. Doctor: [Opening the operating room doors wide.] Nurse, I could use some help in here!\nGoodly: Coming!\nScene Description: Cartman stands in her way stopping her.\nCartman: Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?\nGoodly: Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.\nDr. Doctor: Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!\nScene Description: She looks at him and glares.\nDr. Doctor: Oh, sorry.\nScene Description: Liane at the Governor's mansion, in bed with him.\nLiane: Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one.\nGovernor: [Smoking.] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm.\nScene Description: He edges closer to her.\nLiane: I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh- Oh, I just don't know...\nScene Description: Back at the hospital.\nDr. Doctor: Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an-and only myself and Nurse Goodly.\nChef: What do you want me to do?\nDr. Doctor: Do you know anything about surgery?\nChef: I used to watch Quincy.\nDr. Doctor: What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives.\nStan: No way, dude!\nScene Description: America's Most Wanted studio, in the dark, Jimbo opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him.\nJimbo: Well, [Opens his right eye.] we're not going anywhere for a loong time.\nGreenfield: We're snowed in?\nMayor McDaneils: Yes. We're trapped!\nMr. Garrison: [Snuggling up to Greenfield.] Like sailors on a submarine.\nMayor McDaniels: My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.\nAssistant: Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast.\nOfficer Barbrady: Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [Rubs his belly.]\nJimbo: I hope you all realize what we might be facing here.\nScene Description: Everyone is now focused on Jimbo.\nJimbo: Our only option might be to... eat each other to stay alive.\nScene Description: Gasps are heard all around.\nGreenfield: Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?\nJimbo: That's the law of land, Mr. Director. It ain't pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.\nMayor McDaniels: Buut, how do we decide \"who\"?\nJimbo: Well, we draw straws.\nGreenfield: Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?\nJimbo: Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.\nGreenfield: Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?\nAnnouncer 1: Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar-\nScene Description: Same night, the hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the other end.\nDr. Doctor: Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. [Stan raises his brows.] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. [He withdraws.] Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?\nStan: No.\nDr. Doctor: Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart.\nStan: [Queasily.] Oh boy.\nScene Description: The doctor slices the flesh vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and Stan removes his mask.\nStan: Bleech!\nScene Description: The vomit goes right into the open incision.\nKyle: Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!\nCartman: Sweet.\nDr. Doctor: Suction!\nScene Description: Kenny places the suction cup over the incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup.\nCartman: Hey, who's screwing with the lights?\nAnnouncer 1: Who is screwing with the lights? Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?\nCartman: [To Kenny.] That is really starting to piss me off.\nScene Description: America's Most Wanted studio, nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws.\nJimbo: Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing. [Draws.] Whew.\nMr. Garrison: [Draws] Whew.\nScene Description: Sees that his straw is short and throws it away, behind himself.\nOfficer Barbrady: Wooo!\nJimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?\nOfficer Barbrady: The short what?\nJimbo: Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!\nBarbrady: That's not how I played it!\nMr. Garrison: Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling.\nScene Description: Back at the hospital.\nDr. Doctor: I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital.\nChef: So how do we get to it?\nDr. Doctor: We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.\nScene Description: Kenny is stunned. The doctor pats his head.\nDr. Doctor: Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct.\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor points it out to him on the map.\nDr. Doctor: Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here [Points to it.] where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here.\nScene Description: He points to an area between the holding area and the generator.\nDr. Doctor: Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?\nCartman: Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.\nDr. Doctor: Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!\nKenny: (Huh?)\nScene Description: The studio.\nMr. Garrison: I... can't... go on... eh. So... hungry...\nMayor McDaniels: We're all going to die in this horrible place. [She covers her eyes.]\nJimbo: We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.\nGreenfield: How can we? How could we live with ourselves?\nJimbo: There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown squatting on the floor.]\nMayor McDaniels: [Thoughtfully.] Yes, of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.\nMr. Garrison: [Madly] Eat Eric Roberts!\nScene Description: The rest of the group goes mad, Ned gets up and everyone prepares to do him in.\nEric Roberts: No! No, please!\nScene Description: Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed, and bees hover around the corpse.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep eating.] We're cannibals. [Someone burps.] God save us.\nJimbo: God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!\nAssistant: [Coolly.] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.\nGreenfield: [Miffed.] Aaww.\nMr. Garrison: This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it.\nJimbo: What time is it, Barbrady?\nBarbrady: It's almost midnight.\nMr. Garrison: Oh! I can't... go on. [Drops to his side.]\nJimbo: We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again.\nGreenfield: What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?\nScene Description: The hospital. Kenny has made it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He turns on his communicator.\nDr. Doctor: Team B? Come in, Team B.\nKenny: (This is Team B.)\nDr. Doctor: Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage.\nKenny: (Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)\nDr. Doctor: Oh... Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left.\nKenny: (Yup! I see it in the drift.)\nDr. Doctor: Good. Head towards it. Team A out.\nCartman: What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?\nScene Description: Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts its shadow on both of them.\nScene Description: The studio. Ned, Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs.\nMayor McDaniels: My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.\nJimbo: It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those, or who.\nAnnouncer 1: Who built the pyramids? Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?\nScene Description: The generator. Kenny has opened the door and is ready for new orders.\nKenny: (Okay, I've reached the generator)\nDr. Doctor: Roger, Team B. [To Team A.] He's reached the backup generator. [To Kenny.] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?\nKenny: (Roger.)\nDr. Doctor: Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?\nKenny: (Negative.)\nDr. Doctor: Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.\nKyle: D'you have any wire here?\nDr. Doctor: There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!\nKenny: (I'll stick 'em together)\nDr. Doctor: No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.\nKyle: No, he'll die!\nCartman: Go, Kenny!\nDr. Doctor: Kenny! Nnnoooooo!\nKenny: (Goodbbyyyyee-ugh!)\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nScene Description: The lights stabilize.\nChef: The power!\nDr. Doctor: Quickly! Get the scanner running again!\nScene Description: The scanner is brought in.\nDr. Doctor: We've got a chance now!\nScene Description: The White House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed with him now.\nPresident Bill Clinton: Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.\nLiane: [Relieved and joyful.] Oh, thank you, thank you.\nClinton: We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her eyes widen.]\nLiane: [Pulls back.] Terminated?\nClinton: Why yes, that's what an abortion is.\nLiane: Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?\nClinton: Adoption?\nLiane: Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.\nClinton: Well, that's- pretty different.\nLiane: Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President.\nScene Description: She quickly leaves the bed. Now to a Colorado sunrise.\nDr. Doctor: Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.\nMephesto: [Coming to.] Where... where am I?\nChef: You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but-\nMephesto: Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.\nChef: Ooohhh.\nDr. Doctor: Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.\nChef: He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.\nScene Description: Outside, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.\nStan: He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.\nKyle: He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.\nCartman: Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop.\nScene Description: Kenny is shown iced over, and the boys simply stare.\nStan: [To Kyle.] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?\nKyle: I don't know. Let's find out.\nScene Description: \"Ave Maria\" begins to play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Mr. Garrison follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then...\nMr. Garrison: Ohh. It's over! We're free!\nOfficer Barbrady: Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?\nJimbo: Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.\nMayor McDaniels: But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?\nNed: Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.\nSinger: [A la Aaron Neville] Ave Maria... [The camera pulls back, and back...]\nMr. Garrison: Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag. Does anybody else want some?\nScene Description: The hospital. Mephesto is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos.\nMephesto: I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life-\nCartman: Just tell us already!\nMephesto: Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing-\nCartman: [Boiling.] Dammit! Tell me who my father is already!\nMephesto: Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman. [All gasp.]\nChef: What???\nLiane: [Back with her cookies.] Yes, it's true.\nMr. Garrison: Noo, that doesn't make sense!\nMephesto: Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [She looks guilty.]\nMr. Garrison: Uh-meaning what?\nMephesto: Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.\nLiane: It's true.\nChef: You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!\nMephesto: No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis.\nScene Description: Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is shocked.\nMephesto: The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.\nCartman: Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.\nStan: Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!\nLiane: I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.\nScene Description: Eric and Stan look up at her.\nLiane: I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you.\nCartman: Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!\nMephesto: Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.\nCartman: No no, wait a minute! If... if she's my dad, then... who's my mom?!\nAnnouncer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?\nCartman: Ooohhh, forget it!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture by your school counselor, Mr. Mackey.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey passes in front of Garrison and gets ready to speak.\nStan: [Imitating the counselor] Booooo!\nMr. Mackey: Nuh-now, who was that?\nScene Description: No one speaks.\nMr. Mackey: That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?\nStan: [Mimicking] I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?\nMr. Mackey: Uh... That's okay, just don't let it happen again.\nKyle: [Following Stan's lead.] We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?\nScene Description: The others laugh.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, okay, okay, that's fine.\nCartman: M'kay?\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. [More laughs.] Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, m'kay? Uh, so, first of all, uh, smokin's bad.\nScene Description: Writes \"smoking\" on the board.\nMr. Mackey: You shouldn't smoke. And-uh, alcohol is bad.\nScene Description: Writes \"alcohol\" on the board.\nMr. Mackey: You shouldn't drink alcohol. And-uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. M'kay, that about wraps up my introduction, now uh, are there any questions?\nScene Description: Stan's hand is up.\nMr. Mackey: Yes, Stan?\nStan: Why do dogs have cold noses?\nScene Description: Stan points to the center of his face, where his nose should be.\nMr. Mackey: Uhhh, well, I'm not sure.\nStan: Oh.\nMr. Mackey: Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijawana.\nScene Description: Writes \"marijuana\" on the board.\nMr. Mackey: Marijawana's bad, and it also has a very distinct smell, okay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit. Now, I want you all to take a smell,\nScene Description: Pip takes the Petri dish with the marijuana leaf in it and just looks at it. The others look at him.\nMr. Mackey: ...so you know when someone is smoking marijawana near you. M'kay, just take a smell, pass it on,\nScene Description: Pip sniffs at it, then passes it back to Bill.\nMr. Mackey: ...and when it gets back up to me,\nScene Description: Bill sniffs at it.\nMr. Mackey: ...we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, okay? Uh, alcohol is bad. Uh, if you drink alcohol you...\nKyle: Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?\nStan: Your little brother's having a party? Why, is it his birthday?\nKyle: No, it's his bris.\nCartman: What the hell is a \"bris\"?\nKyle: I don't know. But there's gonna be lots of food, and a band.\nCartman: Oh, kick ass! I wanna have a bris!\nMr. Mackey: ...and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad. Uh, ha-has that marijawana made it back up here yet?\nScene Description: No answer from the class.\nMr. Mackey: No? O-okay. Let's talk about LSD.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey writes \"LSD\" on the board.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, children, LSD i-is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney...\nStan: Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a bris?\nKyle: Uhhh... I'm not sure.\nStan: Well, dude, you better find out!\nMr. Mackey: Boys, are you paying attention?\nStan: Sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?\nMr. Mackey: Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana made it around yet?\nScene Description: No response.\nMr. Mackey: Uhh, who-who has the marijawana now?\nScene Description: Stan blinks.\nMr. Mackey: Ummm okay, whoe-whoever has the marijawana, just pass it up to the front row, m'kay?\nScene Description: Not a thing.\nMr. Mackey: Woh-oh.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office.\nPrincipal Victoria: I am very disappointed in you, young man. You should be ashamed of yourself. What could have possessed you to be so stupid? [Thumps the desk.]\nMr. Mackey: I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria.\nPrincipal Victoria: We-hell, \"sorry\" isn't going to cut the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school.\nMr. Mackey: You mean I'm fired?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, I guess that's the grown-up way to put it, yes.\nMr. Mackey: But-but it was an honest error of judgment, m'kay? I-I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijawana-\nPrincipal Victoria: It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.\nMr. Mackey: But-\nPrincipal Victoria: We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you!\nMr. Mackey: Huh, how am I going to make ends meet...m-[Sniff.]m'kay? Wha-what will I do for money??\nPrincipal Victoria: There, there, now. Maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.\nMr. Mackey: [Sobbing.] No-uho-uho-uho! [Sniff.] Not o-uho-uhokay!\nScene Description: Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away screaming.\nStan: Man! That sucked, getting searched.\nScene Description: They walk off together.\nCartman: Yeah, my ass is killing me.\nKyle: Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us.\nCartman: I wonder who took it.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. He's looking drowsy watching Teletubbies'\nAnnouncer: And now it's almost time for BoBo's.\nScene Description: The Teletubbies move around whirring all the while. Garrison laughs softly.\nScene Description: The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nBoys: Hey, Chef.\nKyle: How's it going?\nChef: Bad.\nKyle: Why bad?\nChef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?\nStan: No, dude, we never even saw it!\nChef: Okay. Because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad!\nStan: We know, we know, that's what everybody says.\nChef: Right. But do you know why they're bad?\nKyle: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.\nChef: And do you have any idea what that means?\nKyle: No.\nCartman: I know. Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck.\nChef: Look, children. This is all I'm goin' to say about drugs: stay away from them. There's a time and place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?\nBoys: Dude!\nChef: Okay. [Starts to move.]\nKyle: Hey, are you going to come to Ike's bris this weekend?\nChef: [Stops.] Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!\nStan: What do ya mean?\nChef: Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him.\nCartman: Wo-what's that?\nChef: Oh boy. Here we go again.\nScene Description: The boys wait.\nChef: Children... Uhh... What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?\nStan: Ahhh, bicycles?\nCartman: Ham?\nKyle: No, not ham, you fat fuck!\nCartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?\nChef: No, no, no, children, I'm talkin' about the most important part of a man's body.\nKyle: Your heart?\nStan: Your eyes?\nScene Description: Chef slaps his hand to his forehead in disbelief.\nKenny: (Ooh, the penis!)\nChef: That's right.\nCartman: Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman.\nChef: A \"fireman\"?\nCartman: That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a spanking.\nChef: Dammit, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you?\nScene Description: Chef starts up his car. The radio comes on.\nChef: Ask your parents for once!\nKyle: Hey, wait!\nScene Description: Chef drives away.\nStan: Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed. A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to see who it is.\nFemale passenger: Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My four-year-old needs a fix! Yehahahahaha!\nScene Description: They drive off. Bill Allen's father pulls up in a small truck.\nMr. Allen: Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common, d'oh-pe! [Peels away.] Ha ha ha ha!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey resumes his sorrowful walk. A blue car pulls up.\nDriver 2: Heeey, Mackey!\nDriver 3: Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross the road?\nDriver 3's Passenger: Who do you think you are, you stupid drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies are all alike!\nDriver 4: Won't you leave the guy alone?\nScene Description: Traffic is building up. Horns blow.\nDriver 5: Hey, hippie, are you gonna do some drugs?\nMr. Mackey: Uuuuuugh!\nScene Description: Quickly drops into a bar and takes a seat.\nBartender: Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here before.\nMr. Mackey: Naw, I just- I had to get away, m-m'kay? I just lost my job.\nBartender: Oh that's weak, man. You know what you need? You need a good, stiff drink.\nMr. Mackey: Oh-uh-uh, I don't drink, m'kay?\nBartender: Trust me, man! It'll make you feel better.\nScene Description: Places the mug before him.\nMr. Mackey: Ughuh... [To himself.] Drinkin's bad.\nDevil: [Poof.] Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.\nAngel: [Poof.] Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy, m'kay?\nScene Description: Mackey takes the beer and drinks most of it.\nScene Description: Poof. The angel and devil are gone.\nBartender: So how do you feel?\nMr. Mackey: [Burp] Woah, about the same.\nBartender: Oh, you just need something a little stronger.\nScene Description: Serves up some Scotch whiskey.\nScene Description: The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture of South Park.\nStan: [Rushing up.] Kyle! You have to stop them!\nKyle: Stop who?\nStan: Dude! I found out what a bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!\nKyle: What?\nStan: They're gonna chop off his wee wee!\nScene Description: Kyle's jaw drops. For a moment he's dumbstruck.\nKyle: Chop off his wee wee?! Are you sure?!\nStan: Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstision!\nCartman: Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off wee wees is not cool!\nKyle: That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that!\nStan: Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions, an-and they make it into a party called a bris.\nCartman: Dude, yuh-eh-you just don't...chop off somebody's fireman!\nKyle: I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!\nScene Description: He leaves for home. The others follow.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey is walking down the street, drunk, singing Pat Benatar's \"Love is a Battlefield\"\nMr Mackey: We are young, m'kay? Heartache to heartache we stand, m'kay? No promises, no demands, m-m'kay..?\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey approaches front door of his house; he places his key into the lock but fails to fit.\nMr. Mackey: Whoa... Is this my house?\nLandlord: [Smoking a cigar.] Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! I changed the locks!\nMr. Mackey: Why, Mr. Freely?\nMr. Freely: I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children!\nMr. Mackey: No, no, no, m'kay? I-it wasn't like that.\nMr. Freely: Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer!\nMr. Mackey: But I've never taken drugs either.\nMr. Freely: I've never taken drugs, and look at me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you!\nScene Description: Mr. Freely takes out his cigar and throws it away.\nMr. Mackey: Huuhh?\nScene Description: Freeley throws a rock at Mackey, which strikes him on the left side of the head, and Mackey falls.\nMr. Mackey: Ow, m'kay?!\nMr. Freely: Drug user! Druuug user!\nMr. Mackey: [Struggles to get up.] Uh, uh-\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey tries to dodge the rocks Freeley is chucking at him.\nMr. Freely: Come back here, dammit!\nMr. Mackey: Whoa, wait!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey ends up running away, meanwhile at Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up.\nSheila: Just a little higher.\nScene Description: The boys arrive.\nKyle: Mom! Dad!\nSheila: Oh, hi, bubele. I'm glad you're here; you can help decorate for the party.\nGerald: Your mother's made gahekgafuga.\nCartman: What the hell is gahekgafuga?\nKyle: Mom, Dad, what exactly are this party for?\nSheila: To celebrate your little brother's [Ike claps.] passage into life.\nKyle: Meaning what?\nGerald: Meaning we're going to circumcise him. [Kyle gasps.]\nCartman: They are gonna cut off his fireman!\nSheila: It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.\nGerald: Normally, we do it right after the baby is born, but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a-\nKyle: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!\nScene Description: Kyle rushes into his room. The boys stare at Kyle's parents agape with their jaws dropped for a moment.\nGerald: Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him?\nScene Description: Stan is stiff. In his vision, the parents become dæmons with Gerald holding shears.\nSheila, Gerald: Let us cut off you pee pee, Stan!\nStan, Cartman: AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! Aaagg-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, ruuun!\nScene Description: Kenny pulls his hood closed.\nKenny: (Run, dude!)\nScene Description: All three run into Kyle's room.\nSheila: Oy, what is the matter with them?\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom.\nKyle: I can't believe my parents are cannibals!\nStan: What are you goin' to do, dude?\nKyle: I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses!\nScene Description: He jumps out the window.\nKyle: Come on, Ike!\nScene Description: Ike jumps off and into Kyle's arms.\nKyle: Cover me for a while. I'll find a place to hide him and come back.\nCartman: No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee-choppin' parents!\nKyle: Just give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike!\nScene Description: Cartman and Stan look at each other, scared.\nScene Description: A dark alley. Mr. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper.\nMr. Mackey: Hoh! I can't sleep; it's too cold, m'kay?\nHobo: Hey, you want somethin' to warm you up?\nMr. Mackey: [Startled.] Oh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken.\nHobo: [Holds out a joint.] Here, try this; it'll warm you up.\nMr. Mackey: Marijuwana's bad.\nHobo: What?\nMr. Mackey: Ma-marijuwana makes you feel depressed and low, m'kay?\nHobo: And you don't fell that way now?\nMr. Mackey: Oh, good point.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey takes the joint and inhales it deeply, then holds his breath a bit, then relaxes.\nMr. Mackey: No, I don't feel any d-oooohh...\nScene Description: Psychedelic music plays in the background.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, baby, get down, m'kay?\nHobo: Uh-huh.\nScene Description: The alley brightens up and takes on neon hues.\nMr. Mackey: Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful! [He drops the joint.]\nHobo: Ohh, boy.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, at the South Park Train Station.\nKyle: Come on, Ike, hurry up! [Ike babbles.] Where is the next train going?\nClerk: Lincoln, Nebraska; train leaves in five minutes.\nKyle: You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?\nIke: No!\nKyle: I need one ticket for my little brother.\nClerk: That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head?\nKyle: Huh?\nClerk: I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train.\nKyle: But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong!\nClerk: What?! Why the hell would they do that?\nKyle: They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses.\nClerk: No can do, sonny.\nKyle: Dammit!\nScene Description: Kyle walks away with Ike to the train and spots an open door from a freight car. The departing bells sound.\nKyle: Ike, if you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train.\nScene Description: The train whistle blow and starts to pull away.\nKyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!\nIke: Don't kick the-\nScene Description: Kyle kick him into the car.\nKyle: Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back to normal!\nIke: Bye-bye.\nScene Description: Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused. A Seinfeld-esque riff plays.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, man, where am I?\nTeen 1: Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey.\nTeen 2: Wow, dude.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, hi, boys, how are you today?\nTeen 1: Pretty good, man. How are you?\nMr. Mackey: Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.\nTeen 1: Hey! Us, too!\nTeen 2: Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.\nMr. Mackey: Oh. O Fortune, how you mock me?\nTeen 1: Oh, cheer up, bro; all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.\nMr. Mackey: Uh-uh, boys, LSD is bad. Hmmm...\nScene Description: He opens the bottle and lets a drop go into his mouth. The boys watch. Mackey's voice becomes distorted.\nMr. Mackey: Man, who put all this cotton in my mouth?\nScene Description: Psychedelic music begins to play as his head inflates.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, baby... The world is so small.\nScene Description: His head pops off his body and floats away.\nMr. Mackey: I'm free... I'm free...\nTeen 2: Sweet dude, totally killer.\nTeen 1: That guy's totally trippin'.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's head floats on, smiling.\nScene Description: Bus Stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll.\nKyle: There, what do you think?\nCartman: What the hell is that supposed to be?\nKyle: I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner.\nStan: Dude, I think you mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike.\nKyle: Not when if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.\nScene Description: Sylvester runs up, having smelled the doll's contents.\nKyle: No, go away! Bad dog!\nStan: Dude, what did you make that doll out of?\nKyle: I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.\nCartman: Is that why it stinks so bad?\nScene Description: Mackey's head flies past.\nMr. Mackey: Hi, boys.\nBoys: Hi, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Are you boys stayin' out of trouble?\nBoys: Yes.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, I-I'm just gonna go over here for a while.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's head floats away.\nKyle: Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.\nScene Description: Sylvester returns, growling as he sniffs the doll.\nKyle: Knock it off, asshole!\nCartman: No way! I'm never going back to your parents' house!\nStan: Come on, dude. If it were your little brother, we'd help you.\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny leave.\nCartman: Eech.\nScene Description: Starts to walk, but then stops.\nCartman: Wait a minute! No, you wouldn't!\nScene Description: Train Station. The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out.\nIke: Oh.\nScene Description: Ike lands on his head, then flips upright.\nIke: Oooh.\nScene Description: A couple stops by.\nWoman: Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can. [The couple leaves.]\nIke: Yeah. No more walbolching!\nScene Description: Ike skips away into the corn fields nearby.\nScene Description: Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop.\nSheila: Bubbe, where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes.\nKyle: Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with Ike. He-he's been cranky.\nScene Description: Kyle rustles the doll a bit.\nSheila: How is my little jellybean?\nKyle: [Doing Ike.] Bye-bye seeme mama. [As himself.] Ah, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up.\nScene Description: Sylvester has found the house, and is seen looking from behind two pine trees.\nSheila: Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss.\nScene Description: The boys flinch.\nKyle: No, Mom-uh, he, he doesn't want you kissing him.\nScene Description: Sheila withdraws as Sylvester leaps in and eats the doll from Kyle's hands.\nSheila: Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!\nGerald: AAAGGGHH!!!\nKyle: Put him down, you stupid dog!\nSheila: My baby! Oh, God, the horror!\nScene Description: Sylvester is chewing the doll's head to pieces.\nGerald: Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go!\nScene Description: He moves to chase Sylvester away. Sylvester bites into the doll and runs off with it. The boys can only stand with jaws dropped.\nSheila: [Frantically.] Ooooohhhhhhooh-ho! Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh mine!\nScene Description: All of them gather at the front porch. Sylvester is munching away on the doll in the middle of the street.\nSheila: Waagghh!!\nScene Description: A truck driver is sleepily driving down the road, but he does see Sylvester.\nSheila: My baby!!\nDriver: Huuh?\nScene Description: Steps on the brakes, but hits the dog.\nGerald, Sheila: Aaaggghhh! Aaagh aaagghh!\nScene Description: The gas tank behind the cab cracks open like an egg, then explodes, killing the driver and Sylvester.\nSheila: [Tearful.] Oh, he's dead, he's dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!\nGerald: There, there, Shei-hla. There's nothing we can do.\nScene Description: Stan and Cartman look at Kyle, who puts his hands behind his back with a guilty expression. Cartman's mad at him.\nScene Description: Cemetery. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned, Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, with a kippah on his head and a scarf on his shoulders.\nFather Maxi: \"Yea, usher us unto the Lord\", sayeth some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.\nScene Description: He throws some ashes into the grave. As the piper plays Hava Nagila, everyone covers their ears. They go their separate ways.\nKyle: Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone has the Canadian flag on it?\nScene Description: Headstone reads: \"Ike Moisha Broflovski 1996-1998, Born a Canadian, died an American\".\nSheila: Well, bubbe, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted.\nKyle: What??\nGerald: He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian. But we loved him all the same. [He starts to sob]\nKyle: You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?!\nSheila: What are you talking about?\nKyle: Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska!\nScene Description: The boys turn right and walk away.\nSheila: What-what-whaaat?!\nStan: Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis!\nCartman: Fireman!\nKyle: Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility.\nScene Description: Kenny falls into an open grave.\nKenny: (Hey!)\nScene Description: The spiked tombstone falls in.\nKenny: (Hey, you guys! I'm dy-)\nScene Description: The tombstone hits its mark. The grave is deep. Stan hears the impact and turns.\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: [Flatly] You bastards.\nScene Description: Kyle keeps walking. The crowds reconvenes, this time for Kenny's funeral.\nFather Maxi: [Removes kippah and scarf.] \"Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.\"\nScene Description: The piper plays Hava Nagila again.\nScene Description: Somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and Mackey bump shoulders.\nJimbo: Get outta the way, you damn hippie!\nMr. Mackey: [Annoyed] I don't need to take you right-wing authoritative bullshit!\nJimbo: What?\nMr. Mackey: Aw, you're just like the government, man! Trying to prosecute outta one side of your mouth, m'kay, while supporting guns outta the other, m'kay?\nJimbo: Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert? [He and Ned leave]\nMr. Mackey: I can't, man. Jerry Bear's dead, m'kay?\nBlonde: He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; that was coool!\nMr. Mackey: What? Oh, thanks, man.\nBlonde: Would you like to come over to my place and finger-paint?\nMr. Mackey: [Getting mellow.] Sure, man. Finger-paintin's cool, m'kay?\nScene Description: They walk off together. Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the train, Kyle first.\nSheila: Now, where did you leave him, young man?\nKyle: Aw, how the hell should I know?\nSheila: Gerald! Do something about your smart-ass son!\nGerald: Uhhh... Mind your... mother, smart-ass.\nSheila: If we don't find him, so help me, you're gonna be grounded for a month!\nScene Description: Gerald peeks into a trashcan.\nSheila: Ike, love?\nKyle: [Grousing.] All the time: \"Look out for your little brother, Kyle!\", \"Take care of your little brother, Kyle\", and he wasn't even really my little brother.\nGerald: Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother.\nKyle: Yeah, right.\nScene Description: Sheila puts down a bench she was looking under as a clerk approaches.\nSheila: Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year-old Canadian boy.\nClerk: Two-year-old Canadian boy, two-year-old Canadian boy... Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Haps Bar.\nSheila: [Gasps.] Come on!\nScene Description: Haps Bar. The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as a base at one table. The camera pans back to him. Sheila rushes over to him and throws the table top off to get him.\nSheila: Ike!\nIke: Mamatoedoe.\nBarkeep: Hey, lady, that's my table post! You can't have that!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the finger-painting they have done all over the room, including the ceiling.\nMackey: Wow, man. You know, it's like... You go through life thinking that you're an individual, m'kay? And then you realize that you're more than that, m'kay. We're all just one big individual, m'kay?\nBlonde: Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.\nMackey: [Gives it some thought.] M'kay.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey removes his tie and his head deflates to a normal state.\nScene Description: Kyle's house.\nGerald: Now you march to your room, and you think about what you've done!\nSheila: But first, apologize to your brother!\nKyle: [Pointing at Ike.] He's not my brother!\nGerald: Apologize to him!\nKyle: [Angrily.] I'm sorry, Ike.\nScene Description: Kyle turns around and walks off.\nIke: Uh oh, stufid.\nScene Description: Kyle goes into his room and closes the door. Ike is saddened.\nScene Description: Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants bathe in the river below them.\nBlonde: Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!\nMackey: [A dove alights on his right arm.] I am one with the animals. And the trees.\nBlonde: And I am one with you. [They reach for each other.]\nMr. Mackey: At long last I have found A true reason to be Now I feel I can start anew-\nScene Description: Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Hannibal and Face come and pick him up, then all three rough him up.\nMr. Mackey: Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey!\nScene Description: They carry him away.\nMr. Mackey: Uh oh hel-m. Hey!\nBlonde: [Subdued.] Whoa...\nMackey: [As Mr. T tosses him into the A-Team van.] Yeah I got, m'kay?\nScene Description: Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him. Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Mackey: Uh- What the hell is going on?!\nJimbo: Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab.\nMr. Mackey: I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't even done drugs in weeks!\nPrincipal Victoria: We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey, and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need.\nMr. Mackey: I don't want help!\nPrincipal Victoria: You'll thank us later.\nScene Description: They drive off into the distance. Meanwhile at Kyle's House, the big day is here. Guests are arriving.\nSheila: Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.\nIke: Uh oh.\nSheila: Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray!\nUncle Murray: Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?\nSheila: He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted.\nScene Description: Uncle Murray moves off.\nGuest: Hi there!\nSheila: Hello. Do I know you?\nGuest: Uh-no, but I never miss a bris. Here, I brought some dip. [Gives it to her.]\nSheila: Ohhh, thanks.\nScene Description: Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there.\nCartman: Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.\nScene Description: Ike enters the room with a photo album.\nIke: Oh deh family nrr.\nKyle: What do you want?!\nIke: I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr.\nScene Description: He opens the album, which reveals pictures of Kyle and Ike. Tender music plays. Kyle looks. The first one has Kyle holding Ike, while the second one has Ike riding on Kyle's elephant.\nKyle: Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!\nStan: Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude.\nKyle: No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie.\nScene Description: Ike pulls the album down a bit.\nIke: Cookie Monster, [flips some pages] two, three, four, five.\nScene Description: The third one: Kyle and Ike tossing a football. The fourth one: a family portrait. The fifth one: Kyle, with Ike in his walker. The sixth one: Kyle giving Ike a bath.\nKyle: Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!\nIke: [Now sporting one of Kyle's caps.] Baraterndr nfard fy. [Kyle looks. Pause.]\nScene Description: Betty Ford Clinic. Inside...\nSocial Worker: You have to admit you have a problem before anyone can help you.\nMr. Mackey: But I don't think I really have a problem.\nSocial Worker: Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you forgot all about your family.\nMr. Mackey: I don't really have a family.\nSocial Worker: And you lost your job.\nMr. Mackey: No, I lost my job before that.\nSocial Worker: Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult.\nScene Description: Nearby, the two teens are on a sofa watching the Teletubbies.\nSocial Worker: The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's called college! Now, I want you to repeat after me: Drugs are bad.\nMr. Mackey: Drugs are baad.\nSocial Worker: Drugs are bad.\nMr. Mackey: Uhh... Dru-drugs are baad.\nScene Description: More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong.\nSheila: Hello, Dr. Schwartz! Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris.\nDr. Schwartz: Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one.\nScene Description: The incisive hole is maple leaf-shaped.\nDr. Schwartz: Where is the little rug rat?\nSheila: Right over here.\nScene Description: She takes him over to Ike.\nDr. Schwartz: Come 'ere, you.\nIke: Oowwww!\nScene Description: Ike skips away into Kyle's room.\nIke: Oh deh faminrr.\nScene Description: Ike hops over to Kyle. They look at each other as the doctor calls.\nDr. Schwartz: Ike? Ike?\nScene Description: Ike jumps up and hugs Kyle.\nIke: Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr.\nScene Description: Ike hugs him tighter, and Kyle is moved.\nDr. Schwartz: There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.\nScene Description: Kyle recovers and gets angry.\nKyle: You stay away from my little brother!\nDr. Schwartz: [Stammers.] Bu-bu-but, son, I just-\nKyle: You aren't gonna cut off his wee wee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!\nSheila: [Now in the room.] Kyle, what are you talking about?\nKyle: And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!\nCartman: [A bit solemnly.] Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye. [Stan draws a blank.]\nDr. Schwartz: Kyle... a-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it, and...\nScene Description: Dr. Schwartz points at Kyle.\nDr. Schwartsz: ...his brother had it.\nScene Description: Cartman and Stan gape.\nKyle: No! No, it isn't true!\nDr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.\nScene Description: Stan and Cartman wonder.\nStan: Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea!\nCartman: Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, too. [Kyle looks up.]\nScene Description: Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit the main building.\nSocial Worker: Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are fully recovered.\nMr. Mackey: I can't thank you enough for everything, m'kay? I feel like my old self again.\nSocial Worker: Just one more thing.\nScene Description: She sets his tie in place, and his head inflates to its original state.\nSocial Worker: Remember that you can stay sober.\nMr. Mackey: I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will. [They embrace one last time.] M'kay?\nScene Description: Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris.\nKyle: It's okay, Ike. I'm here.\nDr. Schwartz: And-a one and-a two and-a... bris. [Snip.]\nIke: Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh.\nScene Description: The boys faint. The adults clap. He skips over to Kyle.\nIke: Cookie Monster.\nKyle: [Gets up.] Ike, you're okay. [Cartman and Stan get up.]\nStan: Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad.\nKyle: Yeah. You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. [Tugs on Ike and moves away.] Except for Cartman.\nStan: [Follows.] Naturally.\nCartman: Eah, screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!\nScene Description: Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class.\nMr. Garrison: And so now, children, your school counselor is back, to tell you firsthand about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison makes way for Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, kids? Uh, you shouldn't do drugs, m'kay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; why, I didn't even care about money. I was-I was wasting my life...\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison slowly shakes his head.\nCartman: Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris tomorrow?\nStan: You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, that's when I'm having mine.\nCartman: No way, I set up mine first, hippie!\nMr. Mackey: Now boys, you need to listen up, m'kay? Wha-what I'm talkin' about might save your life someday, m'kay?\nStan: [Mimicking.] Okay, Mr. Mackey, okay?\nMr. Mackey: M'kay.\nKyle: M'kay?\nMr. Mackey: M'kay.\nCartman: Okay?\nMr. Mackey: Okay.\nScene Description: The camera slowly pulls away.\nMr. Mackey: Now, as I was sayin, uh... drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, uh if you do them, you're bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So-uh so don't be bad, by doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad, 'cause drugs are bad. M'kay?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, out front. Garrison and the class stand next to a colorful bus.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books from the Booktastic bus.\nCartman: [To Kyle.] Reading sucks ass.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, shut up! [Eric looks up.]\nScene Description: Inside the bus. The kids mill around and start browsing.\nKyle: Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring.\nStan: [At the next stack.] Hey you guys. Check out these books. [They come over.] Sabrina Unchained.\nKyle: Wow, these books look cool!\nScene Description: Cartman smiles. They look at romance novels. Kyle takes \"Seduction\", Kenny takes \"Bound to Love\", Cartman takes \"Body to Body\".\nCartman: Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.\nKenny: (There's a lot of fuckin' vaginas and penises.)\nBus Driver: [Stops by.] Hello, kids. I see you're discovering the magic of reading.\nScene Description: He is wearing a blue suit, with rainbow shirt and cape.\nKyle: Who are you?\nBus Driver: I drive the Booktastic bus, where magic begins. You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go back in time to Camelot or become a race car driver, all by just opening a book. Just like magic. The magic of reading.\nCartman: [Irritated.] God, shut up, dude.\nBus Driver: Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in. Give in to the magic. [He floats away.]\nStan: [To Kyle.] If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?\nKyle: Yeah, this is stupid! Books aren't magical.\nScene Description: Kyle tosses his book away.\nCartman: I don't know, I'm kinda getting a tingly feeling looking at these.\nScene Description: A man and woman are kissing on the cover of his chosen book. Off in the distance a chicken clucks and a woman shrieks.\nKenny: (Hey, what's that?)\nStan: I don't know. Let's go see.\nScene Description: They drop their books and exit the bus. Cartman is glued to his.\nScene Description: Here's a show within a show: an episode of COPS shown in real time along with South Park.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job, but then I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do. Well, they're wrong.\nDispatcher 1: [Through intercom.] All units. All units. Report to 254 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Possible hostile situation.\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady puts his siren light up on the dashboard.\nOfficer Barbrady: There, you see? This could be a bank robbery. Or possibly even a murder! This ain't no Podunk little town!\nDispatcher: And, Barbrady, your wife called. She wants you to get some pizza on the way home.\nOfficer Barbrady: Goddammit!\nScene Description: A crowd has gathered at the site of the incident, across the street from the school. The boys are there, front and center. Officer Barbrady pulls up with the COPS film crew, and his siren light is now on the car roof.\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay, people, move along. There's nothing to see here. [To the rancher.] What's the trouble? Where's the body?\nRancher: Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens.\nScene Description: Barbrady says nothing as the crew films him for a long pause.\nOfficer Barbrady: Uhhhh... oh.\nScene Description: The chicken doesn't seem traumatized one bit.\nWoman: My God, that's disgusting!\nStan: Whoa, dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?\nOfficer Barbrady: Uhh, boys, you move along. This isn't for young eyes to see. [To the rancher.] Did you get a good look at the suspect?\nRancher: Naw, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast.\nOfficer Barbrady: Wellll uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?\nCameraman: Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond.\nScene Description: The crew leaves.\nOfficer Barbrady: Haw, camel poo.\nStan: Hey, what's this?\nScene Description: Stan picks up a sheet of paper.\nKyle: It looks like a note.\nOfficer Barbrady: Give me that! [Takes the note.] That's a clue, and you'll get your stinking DNA all over it!\nRancher: [Coming over.] What does it say?\nScene Description: The note reads: Another chicken gets it tomorrow!\nOfficer Barbrady: Uhh... It says, uuh, \"Sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it again. Bye-bye.\" Well, there you have it. Case closed.\nRancher: Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Every time somethin' happens in this town, you say \"Nothin' to see here\", and \"Case closed.\" But we want justice. We have to find this sicko!\nOfficer Barbrady: I said, return to your homes before I start arresting people.\nRancher: For what? Orderly conduct?\nOfficer Barbrady: How about fishing without a license?\nRancher: I'm not fishin'.\nOfficer Barbrady: Whataya call this then?\nScene Description: He pulls a fishing rod out from somewhere.\nOfficer Barbrady: If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each and every one of you... [Pulls out his gun.] by gunshot to the head.\nScene Description: The crowd quickly disperses, the boys remain.\nOfficer Barbrady: That's right, return to your simple lives. [Puts his gun away] Just forget this ever happened. Forget.\nScene Description: He moves off, leaving the boys with the chicken.\nOfficer Barbrady: For-get.\nKyle: Wow. Barbrady sure is acting weird.\nStan: Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.\nScene Description: The patrol car. Barbrady gets in and looks at the note again. The letters become unintelligible symbols. He starts up the car and throws the note away. He stops at a stop sign, and its letters turn into Korean symbols. He drives on and ends up at Fran's.\nTeller: Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?\nScene Description: The letters in the board above the speaker are jumbled as they are, but they start whirling around, and Barbrady is speechless.\nTeller: Sir, can I help you?\nScene Description: The letters A, C, K, R, and U stop whirling and start laughing at him.\nOfficer Barbrady: Uhhh, just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalapeño poppers.\nTeller: Sure, there's just one problem.\nOfficer Barbrady: What's that?\nTeller: We're a bank.\nScene Description: The board is back to normal.\nOfficer Barbrady: I know that, smarty-pants! What do you think, I'm some kinda idiot?\nTeller: Yes.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hmmm. [Drives away.] I can't go on living this lie!\nScene Description: Channel 4 Breaking News.\nAnchor: With chicken after chicken being violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve the case of the Chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions.\nReporter 1: Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, nobody can say for sure; uh, no motive has yet been established.\nReporter 2: Do the police have any leads?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, both 3D computer modeling and intensive seismology have not given us any leads as of yet.\nReporter 3: But has Chickenfucker left any clues at the crime?\nOfficer Barbrady: All right, all right! I can't read!\nScene Description: The room falls silent and the reporter sits down.\nOfficer Barbrady: There, I said it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a policeman! I retire!\nScene Description: He removes his badge and leaves the room.\nPress Coordinator: Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uhh, coffee and brownies out front.\nAnchor: And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence, and South Park would have to manage without any police force for a while-\nScene Description: A note wrapped around a brick crashes onto the anchor desk and the anchor gets the note.\nAnchor: This just in! South Park is plunged into total anarchy!\nScene Description: A camera pans across the rioting.\nAnchor: Exactly two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town!\nScene Description: A man comes and takes away the symbol in the inset. Another man takes the 4.\nScene Description: On the street, two men use a third as a battering ram and throw him into the electronics store through the big display window. He gets up and helps the other two take the big-screen TV away. Several people have looted beer and drink as fast as they can. A red car crashes into a yellow building. Here and there people are screaming.\nLooter 1: Whoopee, this is killer!\nLooter 2: With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!\nScene Description: The boys are at a corner when someone runs by with a boom box. Kenny is closest to the corner.\nKyle: Whoa, dude, what's going on?\nStan: I don't know.\nScene Description: Next to Kenny, two people are trying to turn car over, and...\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed-\nScene Description: Kenny opens the door and steps out, dusting himself off.\nStan: Oh, never mind.\nScene Description: The Mayor is watching all this from her office. Automatic weapons fire is heard as a woman screams, but the street before her window is clear of any commotion.\nMayor McDaniels: I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful.\nAide 1: Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.\nMayor McDaniels: He is.\nScene Description: The press breaks in and rushes the Mayor's desk. More questions, but one stands out.\nReporter 3: What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?\nMayor McDaniels: No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady is still our active police force.\nReporter 3: But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?\nMayor McDaniels: Uhhhhh, plan? I don't actually uh-\nAide 2: Reading classes, plain and simple. By the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read, effective immediately.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!\nScene Description: Cameras snap away to South Park Elementary. There's someone new...\nMr. Garrison: Now, children, we have a new student joining us today. Please say 'hi' to Officer Barbrady.\nScene Description: Silence. Officer Barbrady dwarfs the children as he sits among them.\nStan: I can't see, dude!\nMr. Garrison: Okay now, since our focus has been on reading, let's review some of the basics.\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady raises his hand.\nMr. Garrison: E-yes, what is it?\nOfficer Barbrady: I need to go poopies.\nMr. Garrison: [Pause.] Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?\nMr. Garrison: Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?\nKyle: How about a brain transplant?\nScene Description: Barbrady raises his eyebrows.\nMr. Garrison: Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.\nScene Description: Stan struggles to see what Garrison is writing: Oprah Winfrey has huge knockers.\nMr. Garrison: Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: Ahhh... O... O-\nMr. Garrison: Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass! Hahahahahahaha [Slaps his thigh.] hahahaha! [Wipes his forehead.] Okay, okay. Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison turns around and writes something more on the board: The hat is red.\nMr. Garrison: Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.\nOfficer Barbrady: Ahhh... O...\nMr. Garrison: Bzzzt drrrrr! Did you hear that, Mr. Hat?\nMr. Hat: I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison starts laughing uncontrollably.\nOfficer Barbrady: [To the children] Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?\nStan: No, we just fake it to shut him up.\nMr. Garrison: Okayheh, okay hi'm sohry. I'm sohry heh. Let's try again.\nScene Description: Chicken coop. The chickens are clucking away when the door creaks open. A silhouette appear.\nIntruder: So, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this?\nScene Description: He grabs a chicken and...Cut to South Park Elementary, back in class.\nMr. Garrison: Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports.\nScene Description: Cartman squirms in his seat and whispers.\nMr. Garrison: Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see...\nCartman: [In falsetto.] Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?\nMr. Garrison: Eric, why don't you go first?\nCartman: Oooaaagh.\nMr. Garrison: What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?\nCartman: I'm prepared!\nScene Description: Cartman gets up and walks to the chalkboard, then faces the class.\nCartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: No, I can't say that I have.\nCartman: Oh, good. In The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical... camel... which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it; I give it a B-minus.\nMr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!\nCartman: God-dammit!\nScene Description: The kids start laughing at him.\nOfficer Barbrady: Haa haa. Ha ha ha.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady rises and goes to the board then faces the class.\nOfficer Barbrady: I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, Go, Dog. Go!. I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read a passage: \"Big... dog..., little... dog. [Turns the page.] A red dog... on a...\" Well, anyway, I'm not one to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels my own life.\nMr. Garrison: Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report indeed. I'll give you an A.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hooray!\nCartman: [Miffed.] Goody two-shoes.\nScene Description: The Playground. The camera pans across the playground. It passes the kid with the aviator cap holding a Blue Mega Man, Bebe and Clyde on the hobby elephants, the boys passing a ball among themselves, and stops at the swings. Barbrady swings between Kenny and Red.\nOfficer Barbrady: Swingset, swingset, up and down I go \"Whoosh!\" goes the willy-wind, flowing through my toes\nScene Description: Kyle looks looks back at Barbrady.\nStan: Dude, I think Barbrady enjoys being in school a little too much.\nKyle: Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?\nOfficer Barbrady: Swingset, swingset, up and down I go...\nScene Description: Mayor McDaniels walks up with her aides.\nMayor McDaniels: Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?!\nScene Description: He quickly gets off the swing, but in so doing he stresses the set and launches Kenny...\nKenny: (Daaarrrggghh-)\nScene Description: Kenny flies into the brick wall at the other end of the yard.\nKenny: (-ooggghhh...)\nStan: Oh, my God! They've killed-\nKenny: (Hey.)\nStan: Oh, never mind. [Smiles.]\nMayor McDaniels: Well, how's the reading coming along?\nOfficer Barbrady: [Wringing his hands.] Oooh, pretty good.\nMayor McDaniels: Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenfucker struck again last night.\nKyle: Oh no!.\nOfficer Barbrady: Ah, Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chickenlover.\nAide 2: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.\nOfficer Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?\nMayor McDaniels: The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.\nScene Description: She hands it to Barbrady, who looks it over.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, I can't read this. It has silent e's.\nMayor McDaniels: [Throttling him.] You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!\nOfficer Barbrady: I'm doing the best I can. I even got a A on my book report.\nMayor McDaniels: Listen, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!\nScene Description: She leaves with her aides. Aide 1 takes the ball from the boys and pops it.\nAide 2: Hey, what'd you do that for?\nAide 1: Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry. [They leave.]\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh boy, I'm in big trouble.\nScene Description: The boys surround him.\nOfficer Barbrady: I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.\nStan: It's cool, dude. We'll help you.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under article 39, section 2 of police code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.\nCartman: Really? I wanna be a cop.\nOfficer Barbrady: You boys will be my deputies; you can help me restore order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swingset.\nScene Description: This last idea he likes a lot.\nCartman: Do I get a nightstick?\nOfficer Barbrady: Sure, nightsticks for everybody!\nScene Description: He hands his night stick to Cartman, who smiles.\nOfficer Barbrady: You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case.\nCartman: 10-4, sergeant! [Walks off.]\nOfficer Barbrady: Now, what did that clue say again?\nStan: \"If you want to know where I'll strike next, read Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft\".\nOfficer Barbrady: To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare!\nStan, Kyle, Kenny: Hooray!\nScene Description: Booktastic bus. Barbrady and his new deputies enter.\nBus Driver: Good day, friends. Welcome to the magical world of reading.\nOfficer Barbrady: We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft right away!\nBus Driver: Oohhh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous-\nOfficer Barbrady: Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!\nScene Description: The bus driver retrieves the book and hands it to Barbrady. He opens it.\nKyle: What's it say?\nOfficer Barbrady: It says, \"Mmmuh mmmuuh...\" Uh, what's this word? [Points out to Stan.]\nStan: I.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. \"I... mmuh mmuh-\"\nKyle: Here, give me that. [Takes the book.] \"I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond.\"\nStan: A pond? Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond.\nOfficer Barbrady: That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. The streets are desolate, and only the sound of squeaking pedals. Suddenly, Eric pops over a low hill on his Big Wheel tricycle and goes down Main Street. The bike has been souped up with a motorcycle windshield and signal lights. He's wearing aviator sunglasses. A car passes by him.\nCartman: Ey!\nScene Description: Cartman activates his siren, the driver sees him in the rear view mirror and pulls over. He gets off his trike, comes to the door, and taps the driver-side window with the night stick. The driver turns and lowers the window: it's Stan's father, Randy Marsh.\nRandy: Uhh, yes, Officer?\nCartman: I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heawh?\nRandy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 miles an hour.\nCartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.\nRandy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?\nCartman: [Slower.] Sir, step out of the car, please.\nRandy: [Steps out.] Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.\nCartman: Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!\nRandy: Yeah, right. You'd better get back to school, little boy.\nScene Description: Cartman swings his nightstick at Randy's shins and connects.\nRandy: Ow!\nCartman: Get your ass to jail!\nScene Description: He continues to swat him on the legs with the baton.\nRandy: Ow! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't do that! Ah-ow! Ah-ow! Ow!\nCartman: [Getting carried away.] Sweet.\nRandy: Ooww!\nScene Description: Stark's Pond. A crowd is gathered at the crime scene. The chicken is fluttering about. Barbrady arrives with Stan and Kyle.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!\nStan: Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.\nFather Maxi: Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a chicken?\nHalfy: [Mischievously.] I would. [Everyone looks at him.]\nMr. Garrison: Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have any legs!\nHalfy: Oh... yeah. [He moves away on his fists.]\nFather Maxi: Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?!\nOfficer Barbrady: Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.\nScene Description: Kyle finds it and holds it up high in the air.\nKyle: Here! Here, I found one!\nStan: What's it say? What's it say?\nKyle: It says, \"Read Teetle the Timid Ta- Taa- The Taxi-\" What's this word?\nStan: I dunno.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Taking the note.] \"Ta... ta... Taaguh- Taxi-dermist.\" [Everybody cheers.] I read it! I read it all by myself! [Grins.]\nHalfy: [Doing flips.] Hooray, yeah! Whoo!\nScene Description: South Park at night. Cartman is doing a segment for COPS.\nDispatcher 2: Five George is en route to 496 Broad Wasteland...\nCartman: Yeah, I've been working this beat for about three days now. You definitely have to have pretty thick skin or else these people, they just walk all over you. [The camera checks out traffic.] Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them.\nScene Description: Cartman is working a street, dressed in a hot-pink dress and fishnets. A car stops.\nDriver: [Winking.] Hi there, little lady.\nCartman: Well, hi there.\nScene Description: Cartman lowers his shades and bats his eyelids.\nCartman: Uh, wha-what are you doing tonight?\nDriver: Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. Is $20 enough?\nCartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.\nDriver: [Stammers.] What? Oh-oh-uh, is this a bust?\nCartman: [Displays his badge.] Sir, step out of the car.\nDriver: [Stepping out.] Hey, wait a minute. You're just a kid!\nCartman: [Pulls out his baton.] Maybe this'll teach you to listen to authoritah.\nScene Description: Cartman starts beating him on the shins.\nDriver: Ow! Oo-uhow! Ow! Hey, man, what are you doing?! Ow, stop it!\nCartman: [Exhales.] Yeah... Sometimes upholding the law is messy. But you get by. One day at a time.\nScene Description: Outside South Park Library. Three people walk by with looted stuff.\nLooter 3: I got a TV.\nLooter 4: Shh. Come on!\nScene Description: Inside, the camera zooms in on Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Reading from the book.] \"Tee-tle the timid taxidermist... loves..to...\" Oh, goddamn, reading is lame!\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle arrive.\nKyle: How's it goin', dude?\nOfficer Barbrady: Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop! Booohoohoohoohoo, booohoohoohoohoo.\nStan: Come on, dude, it's not that hard!\nOfficer Barbrady: It is, too!\nKyle: Just read the sentence.\nOfficer Barbrady: \"Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet-pet-\"\nKyle: Come on, dumbass, you can do it!\nOfficer Barbrady: \"Pet-\" Wait a minute. [Recalls Garrison.]\nMr. Garrison: Conjugate the verb. Conjugate the verb.\nMr. Hat: Yes, conjugate the verb.\nOfficer Barbrady: Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting zoo! Boys, we're off!\nScene Description: Downtown. In another segment of Cartman's for COPS...\nDispatcher 3: All units, all units. Five-twelve at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos; request assistance.\nScene Description: The siren goes on. Cut to Kenny's house. Cartman arrives and jumps off the bike, makes his way to the front door, and knocks. Stuart opens the door.\nCartman: Sir, could you step out of the car, please?\nStuart: We're fine, officer. [Sips his beer.]\nCartman: And-uhh who's, who's in here with you?\nStuart: Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids-\nScene Description: Kenny and Kevin come to view.\nKenny: (Hi, Cartman.)\nStuart: -and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob, who I met last year.\nCartman: [To the camera.] Poor people tend to live in clusters.\nStuart: [Takes a swig of beer.] What-What did you say?\nCartman: Nothing. Now, sir, is there some kind of a...\nCarol: I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a shit! He can't even hold a fuckin' job!\nStuart: Shut up, bitch!\nCartman: Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language; there's children present heuh.\nCarol: You lazy-ass motherfucker!\nStuart: Look what she did to my fuckin' eye.\nCarol: I'll do it again!\nScene Description: She kicks him in the ass and continues hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight.\nKevin: Mom hit Dad again!\nScene Description: Both then continue laughing at them.\nCartman: Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoritah!\nScene Description: He jumps up and knocks Carol down, then Stuart. He then concentrates on Stuart. Kenny and Kevin keep laughing.\nStuart: Aagh!\nDispatcher 1: All units. All units. We have a 5-20 on the suspect. Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately!\nCartman: [Stops, gasps.] Chickenlover!\nScene Description: The petting zoo. The school kids mill among the animals.\nOfficer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.\nScene Description: The chicken blushes.\nStan: Maybe we were wrong about the clue.\nKyle: Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, no!\nScene Description: Rustling is heard.\nOfficer Barbrady: Shhh!\nScene Description: They turn around. A hand reaches down and plucks the bird away.\nOfficer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled.\nScene Description: They turn around.\nStan: Look!\nScene Description: Feathers are flying out from behind a bush as the bush moves around.\nKyle: He's here!\nOfficer Barbrady: Grab him!\nScene Description: All three rush the bush, meanwhile in Downtown South Park, Cartman is racing towards the zoo.\nCartman: Dammit! Can't this thing go any faster?!\nScene Description: Reaches for a doughnut and bites into it.\nScene Description: The petting zoo. Barbrady is wrestling the Chickenlover as Kenny arrives. Barbrady finally gets his man. It seems to be the Booktastic bus driver, and he pulls out a pistol. As Barbrady takes it from him, it fires and hits Kenny.\nStan: [Gasps.] Oh my God, they've killed-\nKenny: [Gets up.] (Oh, it was only my jacket.)\nStan: Goddammit!\nOfficer Barbrady: I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!\nStan: Aw, I think that's a mask, dude.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh.\nKyle: Whoa, dude! It's the bookmobile driver!\nOfficer Barbrady: Caught you red-handed!\nBus Driver: Indeed, you did. How did you know I would strike here?\nOfficer Barbrady: By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.\nBus Driver: You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly! [Pleased.]\nStan: What are you talking about, dude?!\nBus Driver: When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!\nKyle: So you fucked a bunch of chickens?\nBus Driver: Yes! Yes, exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.\nStan: That doesn't... make a whole..lot of sense, dude.\nBus Driver: Oh, no? He who was blind can now see!\nScene Description: No reaction from the kids.\nBus Driver: I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, I guess I should say \"Thanks?\"\nBus Driver: You're welcome. And now, my reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I give you this hardback copy of Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand.\nCartman: [Rushing up.] Freeze! Put your hands in the air!\nKyle: Cartman!\nCartman: I got reports that the suspect is in this area!\nKyle: Well, he is. It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens.\nCartman: A-ha!\nScene Description: Cartman hits him with the baton.\nBus Driver: Ow, that hurts!\nKyle: Whoa, dude!\nStan: Cartman!\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady picks Cartman up and takes the baton from him.\nOfficer Barbrady: No, no, that's not how you uphold the law! [He puts him down.]\nCartman: Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!\nBarbrady: Oohhh, ohh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this: [Paf.]\nBus Driver: [Going down, squealing.] Heee-!\nBarbrady: You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker.\nScene Description: Cartman looks at the driver and removes his shades.\nCartman: Ooohhhh.\nKyle: I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh, Cartman?\nBarbrady: Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job!\nScene Description: He spins the cylinder on his pistol.\nStan/Kyle: Hooray!\nScene Description: Cartman watches as Barbrady leaves the petting zoo, Stan calls out to Barbrady.\nStan: Hey! So what are you going to do now?\nBarbrady: Now? [Turns around.] Well, I-ee uh... I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book.\nScene Description: He displays the book for a moment, then holds up his right thumb for the camera to see. The end credits begin to roll, but only the executive producer is listed. The boys watch for a moment more, then walk off to the right. The chicken just walks around pecking at the straw. A bunny hops across the yard and Bebe chases after it.\nScene Description: Newscast.\nAnchor: And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case.\nScene Description: Tape is shown of the parade. Confetti is flying everywhere. The South Park High School band is marching before Barbrady's car. He is in the car with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.\nOfficer Barbrady: Thank you, everybody. Thank you.\nMan 1: Speech! Speech!\nOfficer Barbrady: [Lowers his arms.] What?\nStan: They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady; about the whole experience over the last couple of days.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh. Okay, uh... Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that bore me and eventually will rob me of my life precious.\nScene Description: The town cheers.\nMan 2: Oh, yeah!\nOfficer Barbrady: Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read, your days are numbered! [More cheering.] And finally, I'd like to say that [Enunciating.] reading totally sucks ass!\nStan/Kyle: Hooray!\nOfficer Barbrady: Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of sh-shit, I'm never reading again!\nStan, Kyle: Hooray for Barbrady!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers again.\nKyle: Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass!\nCartman: Ey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.\nStan: I'm just glad everything turned out okay, and Barbrady got his job back.\nKyle: It's poetic justice.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Leaning forward.] Thanks, boys.\nScene Description: The end credits roll again, this time normally. When the producer is listed, Kenny is shown in a clear area behind the crowd. A tree falls, flattening him.\nKenny: (Ow!)\nScene Description: Blood oozes from under the tree. End credits continue, showing more scenes from the parade."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym.\nChef: Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!\nScene Description: The class groans.\nKyle: We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.\nStan: Yeah.\nChef: So let's have half the children on this side [To his right.] and half the children on that side. [To his left]\nScene Description: Team 1 walks to one side. The children groan.\nPip: [Uncertain.] Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.\nCartman: [With Clyde and Stan looking on.] What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?\nPip: Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France-\nStan: Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.\nPip: Oh, dear.\nStan: If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.\nPip: Oh, what jolly good fun!\nKyle: No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.\nScene Description: The teams are as follows:Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Jordan, Swanson, and BrimmyTeam 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, Red, and Terrance.\nChef: [Blows his whistle.] Play ball!\nScene Description: Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde.\nClyde: Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!\nStan: Dammit, we lost one already!\nChef: Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.\nStan: Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup.\nScene Description: Jordan and Swanson pull forward as told to. Kevin throws again, and it hits Jordan, causing her to scream and be knocked out.\nStan: We're losing men fast out here!\nScene Description: He and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards Brimmy, who falls and lets out a grunt of pain. The ball returns to the opposing team.\nChef: [Giggling.] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall!\nScene Description: Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him, amazingly Kyle opens his eyes to find the ball is in his hands.\nKyle: I caught it! I caught it!\nChef: Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!\nKyle: Here, Pip, you throw.\nScene Description: Kyle tosses the ball to Pip, who catches it.\nPip: Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't.\nKyle: Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?\nPip: I'm not French-\nKyle: Throw the ball, you stupid frog!\nScene Description: Pip sets up to throw.\nKyle: God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,\nScene Description: Angered, Pip throws the ball at him.\nKyle: you'd be able to- Ow! [He falls.].\nChef: Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.\nKyle: Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!\nCartman: Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.\nPip: Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!\nChef: That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.\nScene Description: Fear strikes the kids.\nKyle: [Gasp.] No. No, it'll be okay!\nChef: Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on.\nScene Description: Chef takes him by the hand, and leads him away to the nurse's office.\nKyle: Oh- Noooo!\nCartman: [Ominously.] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.\nClyde: I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.\nBebe: I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.\nCartman: Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?\nStan: [Somberly.] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.\nScene Description: Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door opens. Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight.\nNurse Gollum: Are you Kyle Broflovski?\nScene Description: She sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him.\nKyle: Ye-yes.\nNurse Gollum: I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?\nKyle: Ye-yes.\nNurse Gollum: Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.\nKyle: I know.\nNurse Gollum: So open them.\nScene Description: She walks to her left, Kyle resists, then opens them.\nKyle: Oh! Phew.\nNurse Gollum: Now, what seems to be the problem?\nKyle: Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.\nNurse Gollum: Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.\nScene Description: She turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.\nKyle: AAGGGGGHHHH!!\nNurse Gollum: What?\nKyle: OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!\nNurse Gollum: Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.\nKyle: AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!\nScene Description: After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story.\nKyle: ...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.\nBoys: Eewwww!\nCartman: Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?\nKyle: No. No-it looked dead.\nBoys: Eewwww!\nStan: Wa-was it wearing clothes?\nKyle: Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?\nStan: Oh, yeah. Eeww.\nBoys: Eewwww!\nKyle: And then she walked over to-\nSheila: Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called \"conjoined twin myslexia\".\nCartman: Who the hell cares what it's called? As long as she doesn't have to touch me...\nSheila: Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.\nScene Description: They hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads.\nSheila: You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins.\nScene Description: A picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown.\nThe Boys: Gross!\nSheila: But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.\nScene Description: Stan is frightened.\nSheila: Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!\nScene Description: Now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there.\nStan: AGGGGGGHHHHHH!\nCartman: AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!\nSheila: So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?\nKyle: Uhhhh... Yeah.\nScene Description: She leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up.\nScene Description: The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper.\nSheila: Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?\nGerald: Mm-hmm.\nSheila: Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day...\nGerald: Mm-hmm.\nScene Description: The phone rings and Sheila answers.\nSheila: Hello?\nSharon: Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.\nScene Description: Stan is screaming and running around the house.\nSheila: Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.\nSharon: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?\nScene Description: Randy chases him down.\nStan: No! I have to get it out!\nSheila: Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.\nSharon: So this is your fault.\nStan: ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!\nRandy: Damn it, stop.\nScene Description: Stan slips from his grasp and he falls.\nRandy: Oh!\nScene Description: Gets up and chases him.\nRandy: Damn it!\nSharon: Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?\nScene Description: Click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone.\nSheila: [Undaunted.] That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!\nGerald: Mm-hmm.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gym.\nStan: [To Cartman.] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?\nCartman: Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.\nChef: [Arriving with a letter.] Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!\nAll: Awww...\nStan: Aw, do we have to?\nKyle: Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?\nChef: You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!\nCartman: Heyh! They have a zoo there!\nChef: That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!\nScene Description: The class separates into teams.\nStan: Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?\nKyle: Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?\nPip: I'd love to!\nCartman: Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.\nPip: Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.\nScene Description: He turns and walks away.\nPip: And besides, I hate French people.\nScene Description: Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila.\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?\nSheila: Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.\nPrincipal Victoria: O-of course you do.\nSheila: I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria and Mackey are surprised.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a-\nSheila: No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, and uh, what disease is that?\nMr. Mackey: Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.\nPrincipal Victoria: What's that?\nSheila: She has a dead fetus attached to her head.\nPrincipal Victoria: [Gasp.] She does?\nMr. Mackey: Y-you never noticed that?\nPrincipal Victoria: No-o, I never did.\nSheila: Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!\nPrincipal Victoria: Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?\nSheila: I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.\nMr. Mackey: Do we have to eat kosher stuff?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8:00?\nSheila: Wonderful!\nPrincipal Victoria: Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?\nScene Description: A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals.\nChef: [Rising.] Okay children. [Encouraging] Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?\nScene Description: The kids just look at him.\nClyde: Denver?\nChef: Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh! Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!\nScene Description: The kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Ms. Crabtree.\nChef: I think we need to get off on this exit.\nMrs. Crabtre: SIT DOWN, KID!!\nChef: But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!\nMs. Crabtree: DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!\nChef: How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!\nMs. Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!\nChef: [Sits down.] Yes, ma'am.\nScene Description: The kids arrive at Denver Elementary.\nStan: Whoa, dude, this is a school?\nScene Description: The crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd.\nBob Thomas: Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.\nScene Description: He slaps Chef on the back.\nChef: I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.\nBob Thomas: Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.\nScene Description: Chef is pissed.\nBob Thomas: You're from South Park, yeah?\nChef: [In a low tone.] Yeah.\nBob Thomas: My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.\nScene Description: He slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whistle blows.\nReferee: Play ball!\nScene Description: Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view.\nSheila: So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?\nNurse Gollum: Colorado State.\nSheila: Ahhh.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh.\nScene Description: They resume eating in silence.\nGerald: Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?\nScene Description: Sheila looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at Gerald.\nGerald: I mean, gravy.\nScene Description: Sheila kicks him on the shins.\nGerald: Ow!\nScene Description: Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball, and it hits Token, who goes down.\nToken Black: Ow!\nScene Description: The Cougar fans cheer.\nChef: Dammit, come on!\nScene Description: Clyde, Swanson, and Kevin are already out.\nChef: Somebody catch the ball!\nScene Description: Only Pip and the Boys remain.\nBob Thomas: All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!\nScene Description: Player 1 serves again, and the ball hits Cartman in the belly where it gets stuck.\nCartman: I caught it, I caught it!\nPlayer 1: Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!\nReferee 2: South Park on offense!\nChef: Great job, children! Just stay focused now.\nKyle: Go for it, Pip.\nScene Description: Kyle tosses the ball over to Pip.\nPip: Oh, bother.\nKyle: Come on, you Frenchy little frog!\nPip: Gagghh!\nScene Description: Pip hurls the ball at the other team and knocks down players 1 and 13.\nChef: Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!\nScene Description: Back at Broflovski's.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eh, sooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?\nGerald: Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win- Heart!\nSheila: Gerald!\nScene Description: Sheila smacks him off his chair.\nShiela: Keep your damn mouth shut!\nNurse Gollum: I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.\nSheila: [Exhales.] Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.\nNurse Gollum: No, I'm quite secure with it.\nSheila: I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you-\nNurse Gollum: They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.\nMr. Mackey: Could I get some more pork?\nPrincipal Victoria: So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?\nNurse Gollum: Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.\nPrincipal Victoria: Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?\nNurse Gollum: No, really, I don't need a-\nSheila: Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop.\nNurse Gollum: I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.\nSheila: I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.\nPrincipal Victoria: Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring.\nNurse Gollum: But I really don't think-\nMr. Mackey: Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?\nSheila: Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!\nScene Description: Sheila leaves with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.\nScene Description: Meanwhile at the Dodgeball State Finals.\nChef: You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.\nCartman: Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap.\nScene Description: Pip gets pissed and winds up.\nKyle: Get him, Frenchy!\nPip: Gaagghh!\nScene Description: Pip hurls the ball across the court where it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down.\nReferee 2: South Park wins!\nScene Description: Coach Thomas is in utter disbelief as the victory music plays.\nChef: We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!\nPlayer 6: Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!\nScene Description: A group of parents looks on as an injured player on the opposing team writhes on the floor in pain.\nPlayer 6: It hur-hurts! Owieee!\nScene Description: Two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him.\nPlayer 6: Mommy, it huurts! I-it hur-hurts!\nScene Description: The clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud.\nChef: Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach! Oooh, baby, come on Just whooped Denver's ass Gonna need some cream for your ass It's all swollen and red\nScene Description: Chef dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, at the South Park Town Square.\nMayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals...\nScene Description: The crowd cheers wildly.\nMayor McDaniels: ...where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.\nScene Description: The Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down.\nMayor McDaniels: But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!\nScene Description: The crowd cheer louder.\nMayor McDaniels: And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!\nScene Description: More cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well.\nMayor McDaniels: Let's hear it for these brave souls!\nScene Description: The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves.\nMayor McDaniels: What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!\nScene Description: Nine men are shown, and they cheer back. Nurse Gollum is now next to Mayor McDaniels at the podium.\nNurse Gollum: You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.\nMayor McDaniels: [The mic is still on.] Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.\nScene Description: Somewhere near Washington, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow.\nChef: How much further is Washington, D.C.?\nMrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN, KID!!\nChef: I need to know how far it is, lady!\nMrs. Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN!!!\nChef: [Grumbling.] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog.\nMrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!\nChef: I said, \"I've always wanted to visit Prague.\"\nMrs. Crabtree: Oh, me too.\nScene Description: Clyde munches away.\nStan: [To Kyle.] Okay, what have you got?\nKyle: Some hadka fish, some gafagga...\nCartman: [Quickly.] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!\nScene Description: Kenny pulls out a bone.\nStan: Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!\nScene Description: Stan takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end.\nStan: Places!\nScene Description: Stan gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makeshift slingshot, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll flies forward. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head.\nMs. Crabtree: ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!\nScene Description: She loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.\nKids: Whoa!\nKenny: (Sheesh!)\nScene Description: A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off.\nScene Description: Ulysses Grant Elementary. Inside, the gym is filled with championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls.\nChef: Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.\nStan: Chef, we're hungry.\nChef: You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.\nCartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.\nChef: What?\nReferee: Are you Chef?\nChef: Yeah.\nReferee: The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.\nChef: What? We did it! Children, we won!\nKyle: Wow, that was easy.\nAnnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!\nScene Description: Everyone boos as Kyle rushes over to the opposing team.\nKyle: Hey, why did you guys forfeit?\nPlayer: You mean you don't know?\nKyle: Know what?\nPlayer: Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.\nScene Description: A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid kettle-bells at each other.\nMaster: Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!\nPlayer: [Voice-over.] They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.\nScene Description: Each kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws against a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed.\nPlayer: Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about.\nScene Description: He hops off and leaves as Chef comes over.\nChef: Okay, children, back in the bus.\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold.\nMayor McDaniels: And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.\nScene Description: He starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo. Nurse Gollum is quite embarrassed as she sits with Sharon in the crowd.\nNurse Gollum: Oh, no..!\nSinger: [The video begins.] You've got the strength, you've got the courage Even with a dead fetus on your head You carry on You fight for tomorrow Dead fetus or no, you never let go You're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman\nScene Description: Scenes from the video: She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it. She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming. She's in her office. She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming. At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her. She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged.\nScene Description: There are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause.\nBarbrady: Oh, that was so touching.\nMayor McDaniels: [With envelope in hand.] And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is... [Reaches into the envelope.]\nNurse Gollum: [Derisively.] Nurse Gollum.\nMayor McDaniels: Nurse Gollum!!\nScene Description: The room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse.\nNurse Gollum: Oh, boy.\nJimbo: [Interrupting.] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.\nScene Description: Jimbo takes the microphone.\nJimbo: Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.\nScene Description: The crowd erupts in applause, meanwhile somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope.\nChef: Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.\nStan: But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!\nChef: Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.\nKyle: But we could get killed!\nChef: And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle fall silent.\nChef: Just imagine: a big yellow \"Dodgeball Champions\" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!\nStan: Dude, Chef has lost it.\nChef: You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!\nCartman: So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?\nScene Description: Chef looks at him.\nKyle: Dude, what does that mean?\nCartman: I dunno.\nStan: Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?\nScene Description: Kevin looks back.\nKyle: Yeah, you're from China.\nKevin Stoley: No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.\nStan: Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!\nKevin: I have no idea, dude.\nCartman: Come on, rice picker!\nChef: Hey, hey hey!\nScene Description: Cartman hides his hands.\nChef: Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.\nStan: You don't?\nKyle: But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.\nChef: No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.\nStan, Kyle: Ohhh.\nCartman: [At the same time.] Oooh, I get it.\nKevin: [Vindicated.] Yeah.\nScene Description: The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads: Go Cows!\nMrs. Crabtree: [Slamming on the brakes.] AAAGGGGHHHH!\nChinese commentator: Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the...\nScene Description: He thumps the table, and his partner's mic falls.\nChinese commentator: ...champion of dodgeball be deshide!\nScene Description: His partner resets the mic, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers.\nStan: Damn, dude. China's fucked up.\nReferee: Take places!\nChef: All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!\nChinese commentator: Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!\nScene Description: They laugh.\nTom: Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.\nScene Description: He laughs.\nChinese commentator: Oh, you say such things.\nTom: That's a zinger!\nReferee: Praaayyy braal!\nScene Description: The Chinese serve. The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall.\nChef: Holy crap..!\nScene Description: Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down.\nChef: God damn...\nChinese commentator: Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?\nTom: Ah, I don't know. What?\nChinese commentator: Stupid American!\nScene Description: He laughs.\nTom: Aw, no way!!\nScene Description: Tom starts laughing.\nScene Description: A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away.\nChinese commentator: Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!\nScene Description: They laugh, as a Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers.\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nKyle: [Laying on his side and out of breath.] You... bastards...\nChinese commentator: Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!\nScene Description: He chuckles.\nTom: Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.\nScene Description: South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again.\nMayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.\nScene Description: The town cheers.\nMayor McDaniels: Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!\nScene Description: One of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, in China, at the Temple, Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries.\nChinese commentator: And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.\nScene Description: Pip stands alone on the court, Kenny is still plastered to the wall behind him.\nChinese commentator: Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.\nChinese kid: Come on! Throw ball!\nTom: Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?\nChinese commentator: Yeah, yeah!\nTom: Ah, okay.\nScene Description: Tom puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice.\nTom: Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good.\nScene Description: They have a good laugh.\nChinese commentator: Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.\nScene Description: He sets up with a deep voice.\nChinese commentator: I'll use my credit card.\nScene Description: They laugh harder, and he resumes.\nChinese commentator: Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?\nScene Description: They both laugh.\nTom: Yes yes! [Laughs.] Y'all come a-back now, you hear?\nScene Description: They laugh so hard they fall from their chairs.\nChef: [Crestfallen.] Oh, what have I done?\nScene Description: Cartman comes over and sits next to him.\nChef: You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.\nScene Description: Cartman bites into a chocolate bar.\nChef: If we had won the world championship, what then?\nScene Description: Kevin walks off.\nChef: It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.\nScene Description: Cartman farts and tries to fan it away.\nChef: Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?\nScene Description: The kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire.\nChef: Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.\nChinese kid: Come on! Throw ball!\nKevin: [Walking over to player 70.] Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this.\nScene Description: Kevin hands him a note to read.\nPlayer 70: Thanks, you American dumbass! [Reads it.] \"You French piece of crap! Throw ball!\"\nScene Description: Pip gets angry.\nPlayer 70: \"What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears.\"\nScene Description: The Chinese team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly.\nPip: Arrggghhh!\nScene Description: Pip starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops.\nChinese commentator: And the winner is South Park Cows!\nScene Description: Musicians play.\nPip: Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!\nScene Description: The South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV along.\nChef: Shut up, Pip.\nStan: Yeah, shut up, Pip. [To Chef.] Can we go home now?\nPip: Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was-\nKids, Chef: Shut up, Pip!\nScene Description: South Park Town Square. The mayor is on stage.\nMayor McDaniels: As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nMayor McDaniels: Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!\nScene Description: The team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef. Kyle is dressed normally but still bandaged.\nKyle: What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?\nMayor McDaniels: And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!\nKyle: Agghh!\nStan: Dude, it's the freak nurse!\nCartman: Holy crap!\nSheila: Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!\nKyle: Well sorry, dude, we weren't here.\nNurse Gollum: Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.\nSheila: [Wiping away a tear.] She's really touched.\nNurse Gollum: What I really wanna say is... well, -egh- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!\nScene Description: The crowd is stunned, Mayor McDaniels takes the mic from Nurse Gollum.\nMayor McDaniels: Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now-\nNurse Gollum: Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?\nScene Description: Sheila and Father Maxi look betrayed.\nNurse Gollum: I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.\nScene Description: More people look at each other.\nNurse Gollum: Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.\nScene Description: People are listening.\nNurse Gollum: And take those stupid things off your heads!\nScene Description: She turns and walks off the stage.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.\nSheila: Yeah, the nerve of some people.\nKyle: Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool.\nStan: Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.\nCartman: I love you guys.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing.\nCartman: Ah, screw you guys!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air.\nAnnouncer: And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned are on a studio based on a hunting lodge. Jimbo and Ned each have weapons, Ned's flamethrower is even lit, ready to go.\nJimbo: Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned. Say hi, Ned.\nNed: M-hi, Ned.\nJimbo: Arrgh-ha-ha-ha! Now, isn't that great?\nScene Description: The cameraman give him a thumbs up.\nJimbo: We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk, and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call \"Pussy Law #4\", states that we can no longer kill animals in defense. \"PUSSY LAW #4\" NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED, EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESS SPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON IS IN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLY BE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLE PERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLE BODILY HARM. In other words, our old line of, \"It's comin' right for us\"-\nNed: It's comin' right for us.\nJimbo: -no longer works. So now, we only kill animals to, quote, \"thin out their numbers\". If we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.\nScene Description: An awkward moment. Jimbo, Ned and the cameraman look at each other.\nJimbo: Uhh... So roll the tape.\nScene Description: A trill, and the tape shows a field into which Jimbo and Ned wander.\nJimbo: Here we are at Schaefer's Crossing, lookin' for some animals.\nJimbo: Lookie, Ned, there's some deers!\nScene Description: A group of deer looks up and stares at them.\nJimbo: Quick, Ned! Thin out their numbers!\nNed: Thin out their numbers!\nScene Description: Walks up to the deer and fires up the flamethrower, producing a huge flame. The deer are incinerated where they stand, and their bones crumble.\nJimbo: Good work, Ned. Now they won't starve.\nJimbo: That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer from extinction.\nNed: Mmm-we're environmentalists.\nJimbo: Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also, try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison writes \"Vietnam\" on the blackboard.\nCartman: Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?\nMr. Garrison: \"What's Vietnam?\" A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh. Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war.\nMr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky and icky.\nScene Description: Kyle raises his hand.\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to recall an incident in that war. An injured man is dragged to a helicopter as fresh troops wait to replace him.\nInjured Man: Aaawwwgh... Aaawwwgh...\nLeader: Come on, men! Let's go! Jump out of the chopper!\nScene Description: The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison is smiling as the next scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed and bathing. At the end of it, he laughs to himself.\nMan 1: Who's next to take a shower?\nMan 2: Me-ee!\nMan 3: I am.\nMan 1: You just took one last week, silly.\nMan 2: Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?\nMr. Garrison: No, I wasn't in Vietnam, but sometimes, I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper.\nClass: Awww..!\nCartman: Son of a bitch.\nMr. Garrison: I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam and interview them about it.\nClyde: What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?\nMr. Garrison: Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.\nClyde: Oh.\nStan: Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.\nKyle: Hey, yeah! He and Ned do that stupid TV show.\nScene Description: Back to Huntin' and Killin, in a special segment...\nJimbo: And now, time for Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained.\nScene Description: The letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping.\nJimbo: One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that frog may very well exist.\nScene Description: The film plays. Shown is a snowy field, with the camera looking from behind some blades of grass.\nJimbo: Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.\nScene Description: Nothing seems to be happening.\nJimbo: There! There, did you see it? Roll that back again!\nScene Description: The film is replayed.\nJimbo: Now, freeze it!\nScene Description: The film is paused, and there is a very blurry object flying through the air.\nJimbo: Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What do you think, Ned?\nNed: M-whoa, I'm scared.\nJimbo: Well, be sure to join us next time. Until then... We're so glad you spent your time with us While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts Come again and stay a while We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed\nNed: Mm-good night.\nCameraman: A-and we're cut. Great show, guys.\nJimbo: Oh, lookie who's here. My little nephew Stanley.\nScene Description: The boys approach him.\nJimbo: So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?\nStan: No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.\nJimbo: Oh. Yeah, we sure were.\nCartman: Was it fun?\nKyle: Cartman! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of course it was fun!\nJimbo: Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin' shards of broken glass up your ass and then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.\nStan: Whoa!\nJimbo: Yepper, that's where me and Ned met.\nScene Description: Flashback to circa 1975, to a beach. A man write something on a notebook as helicopters take turns landing on a helipad below. An amusement park is just to the right, with a carousel and a log ride. A log comes into view with screaming riders. \"Time of the Season\" by The Zombies, plays.\nJimbo: I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.\nJimbo: Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!\nScene Description: A bird alights on his upper arm and sings to him. He whistles back.\nSergeant: Kern, get over here! The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky.\nScene Description: The crowd parts to reveal him.\nNed: Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.\nSergeant: Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have been spotted about ten klicks north of here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are you up for it?\nJimbo, Ned: Sir, yes, sir!\nScene Description: Actual footage of a helicopter flying off is shown.\nJimbo: Soon it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America.\nJimbo: Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?\nNed: Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well?\nJimbo: Why the hell not? We're at war.\nScene Description: Ned hands them over, then sits back, pulls out a cigarette and lighter, and lights the cigarette.\nJimbo: Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat.\nNed: No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies at 2 o'clock!\nScene Description: Jimbo studies the troop movements on the ground.\nJimbo: I see 'em! Drop the bomb!\nScene Description: Ned pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.\nNed: The bomb's not releasing!\nJimbo: Oh, no!\nNed: It won't budge.\nJimbo: Then we only have one option.\nScene Description: Jimbo forces the plane down.\nNed: What are you doing, man?!\nJimbo: We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all costs! Die, you red commie bastards!\nScene Description: Comes in for a crash landing, and enemy troops are running out of their way. Jimbo and Ned come out and shoot everyone they can. The enemy soldiers die on the spot. Ned pulls out a grenade to activate and throw at other enemy troops, but it goes off prematurely and takes off his right arm.\nNed: [His arm flies away.] Yaaarrrggghhh!!!\nJimbo: [Firing away.] Aaarrrggghh- Oh no! Out of ammo!\nScene Description: Jimbo reaches behind himself and pulls out a sword. A horse with golden mane and tail trots in. Ned fights off the enemy troops with his good arm and martial arts skill, and Jimbo flies onto the horse. He sallies forth and decapitates every soldier he comes across. When the enemy soldiers are all dead, Jimbo puts the sword away, and they look at the corpses around them.\nJimbo: We did it, Ned! We killed the entire Vietcong Army!\nNed: Whoopie.\nScene Description: Ned brings out a cigarette and lights it with his good hand.\nJimbo: Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes!\nScene Description: Ned flies onto the horse behind Jimbo, and horse and riders leap gracefully away, as we return to the present.\nJimbo: And that's the way it happened, boys.\nStan: Wow!\nCartman: Man, Vietnam was sweet!\nCameraman: [Reading a magazine.] Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!\nJimbo: Wow!\nCameraman: They've gone from six people to twelve.\nJimbo: Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!\nScene Description: South Park Public Access. The set of Jesus and Pals.\nProducer: We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned Hunting Show.\nJesus: But I don't really care about that.\nProducer: Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times.\nJesus: [Reluctantly.] Ohh, alright.\nCameraman: Alright, we're ten second to air, guys.\nProducer: Remember, big, big, big!.\nScene Description: She holds up her hands and moves them apart with each 'big.' Then she walks off.\nCameraman: And five, four, three...\nScene Description: Spotlight beams dance around the studio.\nAnnouncer: [Applause] It's your hour of power on midday Mountain Cable Access. Put your hands together and welcome the only man in town who always has a fully-stocked wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-sus Christ!\nScene Description: Jesus is caught off guard as a spotlight jumps to him.\nJesus: Uhhh... Hi.\nScene Description: His producer signals him to build up his intro.\nJesus: Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning today, we're taking the show in a new direction.\nScene Description: A stage hand guides him through with the cue cards.\nJesus: We've got some very interesting people coming on the show this week for you, our viewers. Today's guest is: TV's Gilligan, Mr. Bob Denver.\nScene Description: Applause, as the curtains open.\nAnnouncer: Here's Booooobbb Denver.\nScene Description: He makes his way to Jesus. They shake hands and sit down.\nJesus: Hi, Bob Denver.\nBob: Hi, Jesus. Great to be here.\nScene Description: His tongue is exposed. There is a pause as they look at each other.\nJesus: So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?\nBob: Yup. Just got in.\nJesus: [Pause.] So... Um... Su-so, wwhat have you been up to?\nBob: Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all.\nScene Description: The producer cues the studio and to play.\nDisciples vocalist: 'Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' You gotta have something\nJesus: [Cynically.] Oh boy.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Stan is presenting his group's report, reading from his notes.\nStan: \"...and after killing the entire Vietcong Army, they returned to base camp.\"\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison is behind Clyde.\nStan: \"Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster.\"\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison gets a reaction.\nStan: \"...and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the log ride.\"\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison is suspicious.\nStan: \"So was the horror of Vietnam.\" The end.\nThe Boys: The end.\nKyle: Are there any questions?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison raises his hand.\nKyle: Yes, Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Yes. [Suddenly angry.] Where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?\nScene Description: The boys' grins vanish.\nStan: From Vietnam veterans.\nMr. Garrison: Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie.\nStan: No, no, we didn't-\nMr. Garrison: You all receive an F...minus.\nKyle: F-minus? Can he do that?\nStan: Bu-but we're not making it up, it was-\nMr. Garrison: Stanley, the Vietnam War was war! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides.\nKyle: How do you know? You weren't even there.\nMr. Garrison: Well, that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!\nBoys: Aawwww!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising detention.\nCartman: Sweet.\nMr. Mackey: Welcome to detention, m'kay? Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It's important for you all to know why you're in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it.\nCartman: You're dead, Stan.\nStan: For what, dude?\nKenny: (Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)\nMr. Mackey: [While the boys talk softly.] You're here because you are inferior, m'kay? You are here because you are awkward, m'kay?\nCartman: Well, Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week.\nKyle: Yeah, dude, your Uncle Jimbo sucks ass!\nMr. Mackey: Shh! M'kay?\nStan: Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us the truth?\nCartman: Well, let's see... Maybe 'cause he's an old, drunk hillbilly dick!\nMr. Mackey: Shh! M'kay?\nKyle: [Pounds the table.] We've got to get him back, dude.\nCartman: Totally.\nStan: How?\nKyle: Well, he screwed us by makin' something up; I say we do the same thing.\nStan: Well, what do you mean?\nKyle: Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guy... [Indistinct whisper.]\nCartman: [As Kyle whispers his plot.] Sweet. Oh, yeah, sweet. That's super sweet. Ah-yes!\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned back on the set.\nAnnouncer: And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!\nJimbo: Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a show for you today! We have just received a tape from another viewer who filmed the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka right here in South Park.\nNed: Aggghhh!\nJimbo: Yes, now we're about to roll the film, but remember: if you look the Mexican staring frog in the eyes, you could go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.\nScene Description: Jimbo looks away and shields his eyes with his arm. Ned does the same.\nJimbo: Okay, roll the film, Tom.\nScene Description: Tom starts the film and looks away. The footage is that of a fake frog sitting on a doorstep motionless.\nJimbo: Is it over? Okay, it's over.\nScene Description: They lower their arms and sit up.\nJimbo: Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists.\nScene Description: Cartman residence. The boys are watching the show.\nJimbo: And you saw it here, on The Jimbo and Ned Show.\nKyle: Dude, I can't believe they fell for it!\nStan: Yeah, what a couple of dumb-asses.\nKenny: (Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig and a turkey.)\nScene Description: They all laugh.\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Come on! We've gotta make another one!\nScene Description: The boys get off the couch and leave.\nCartman: Lying kicks ass!\nScene Description: South Park Public Access. Meanwhile...\nProducer: Jesus!\nJesus: Yeah?\nProducer: We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned Show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two points in the ratings!\nJesus: Uh-oh, sssooo what are we supposed to do?\nProducer: I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made, and then go even further.\nStage Hand: And we're back in five, four, three...\nProducer: Remember, big, big, big!\nScene Description: Jesus and Pals has a new opening sequence, with Jesus walking backwards into view and throwing his jacket over his shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along the bottom as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey in one screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last thing you see is J&P.\nJesus: If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle.\nMichelle: [Tearfully.] Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried, but my overturned car just won't budge. My husband was trapped for twelve hours.\nJesus: And yet, somehow, he managed to survive.\nMichelle: That's right. He's a very brave man, and I love him very much.\nHusband: [In a wheelchair, head bandaged.] I love you, too.\nJesus: W-well, let's see if the audience has any questions.\nScene Description: A large woman raises her hand.\nJesus: Yes, uhh, you over there.\nScene Description: Jesus walks down to her.\nLarge Woman: I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby!\nScene Description: The audience applauds.\nJesus: Kick who to the curb?\nLarge Woman: Her no-good husband! She's got to lose that zero and get herself a hero!\nScene Description: The audience applauds.\nJesus: But-\nRed-Haired Woman: He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's got to dump that trash girlfriend.\nScene Description: She grabs the mic.\nRed-Haired Woman: It's all about respect. You've gotta have respect for yourself.\nScene Description: The audience applauds. Michelle is shocked, and her husband drools a little blood.\nJesus: Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else.\nScene Description: Jesus backs up to an African American.\nJesus: Yes, your comments.\nMichael Jackson fan: Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure, he touched some children, but the man is a great singer and he has entertained us for so many years.\nesus: Wha-what are you talking about?\nMichael Jackson fan: Michael Jackson. All this baad-mouthin' and puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch some children now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson!\nScene Description: The audience applauds.\nJesus: Uhh, we'll be back right after these messages.\nScene Description: In the woods, the boys set up for another staring frog video. Cartman is behind some bushes and Kyle is in front of them. Stan and Kenny face them.\nStan: Ready, you guys?\nKyle/Cartman: Ready.\nScene Description: Cartman is hiding behind the bush.\nStan: Okay. Action!\nScene Description: The camera rolls, and the frog is dangling from a fishing pole, jumping around. Cartman, holding the pole, speaks in a spooky voice.\nCartman: Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... And dangerous!\nStan: Cut! Cartman!\nCartman: [Popping up.] What?\nStan: It's supposed to be a frog!\nCartman: I know that!\nStan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?\nCartman: [Thinks.] It's a Sri Lanka frog!\nKyle: [Holding the camera.] Der, Cartman!\nCartman: Der yourself, hippie!\nKyle: Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk! [Resumes filming.]\nStan: Okay. Here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?\nCartman: [Pops up.] I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! [Drops.]\nStan: Action!\nCartman: [Moves the frog around.] Blulululuh. Screw you guys.\nScene Description: Downtown. The boys have Cartman wearing a grey wig, a pink dress, and black high heels.\nCartman: Well, why do I have to dress up like an old lady?\nKyle: 'Cause old ladies are fat and you are, too!\nCartman: Ee-goddammit!\nStan: Come on, Cartman, the way we're filming this, nobody will even know it's you.\nCartman: They better not!\nStan: Okay, when I yell \"action\", you start to walk this way, then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you, and you have to be scared.\nCartman: Scared of a plastic frog?\nStan: It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared, then the Mexican staring frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down, like you're dead, okay? Ready?\nCartman: Man, this is stupid.\nStan: Good. A-and action!\nScene Description: Kenny walks in front of the camera with the frog, as Cartman screams and falls on his back.\nCartman: Eee-ee-ee-ee!\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned back on the set.\nJimbo: Well, it appears as though a lot of you \"skeptics\" thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That you say it didn't harm anybody. Well, it just so happens that we just received another film from another anonymous viewer. [Looks away.] Roll it!\nScene Description: The two scenes have been spliced together, except that Cartman falls on his left side, and Kenny added his own touch by mooning the camera.\nJimbo: There you go! Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm to the people of South Park as we speak!\nNed: Mmmm-damn that frog.\nJimbo: Well, that does it! All this week, Ned and I will be-\nScene Description: South Park Public Access. His producer is watching Huntin' and Killin'.\nJimbo: -risking life and limb as we go on location to hunt the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Join us, won't ya?\nProducer: Ooh, no, no, no, no!\nScene Description: Jesus walks up behind her.\nProducer: This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, those hunters are clever!\nJesus: Uhhh, clever?\nProducer: It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt the Mexican staring frog. Unless...\nJesus: Unless what?\nProducer: Unless we can prove to the City world that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something..made up by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken off the air. Perhaps even killed!\nJesus: Look, why don't we just stick to our own show? People will watch again.\nProducer: [Wearily.] Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet so naive. We'll launch a full investigation, and in the meantime, we can cash in on the video tapes.\nJesus: What video tapes?\nScene Description: A commercial begins.\nJesus: Yea, children. I am the way and the light...\nAnnouncer: You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've got to get the video!\nScene Description: Jesus and Pals: Too Hot for TV! A man pours some whipped cream on the chest of a topless bikini-clad woman wearing a cowboy hat.\nAnnouncer: Things get a little out of control!\nScene Description: Another guest yells obscenities at another guest, but his mouth is censored.\nAnnouncer: You won't believe your eyes!\nScene Description: Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen as he interviews them.\nAnnouncer: Order now, only $19.95!\nScene Description: Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx accepted.\nAnnouncer: Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV!\nScene Description: Two other women in bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts are censored with bars saying \"TOO HOT!!!\"\nScene Description: Next day. Jimbo and Ned with cameraman Tom and producer drive through the town.\nJimbo: Anonymous tip?\nTom: Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog just south of Stark's Pond this morning.\nJimbo: Hey, Ned. Remember that time when we got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?\nTom: You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?\nNed: Mmm-Da Nang.\nCameraman: With the log ride?\nJimbo: Yep.\nTom: Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass roller coaster, but... all we ever wanted was a log ride. We waited and we waited, but... they never built us one. I think..Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he... he had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.\nJimbo: That war was hell on everybody.\nScene Description: Tom starts sobbing.\nProducer: Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. This week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to twenty people!\nJimbo: Wow! Do we got more money?\nProducer: No, but I do. We're now the highest-rated show on Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican staring frog!\nScene Description: The boys are back in the woods, and their frog is on a small boulder.\nKyle: Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.\nCartman: Dude, totally.\nStan: They deserve it for lying to us, dude.\nCartman: [Relishing the moment.] Revenge is so very, very sweet.\nStan: They're here! Hurry and hide!\nScene Description: They run for cover in a patch of shrubs. Jimbo stops his hummer and the men get out.\nJimbo: Let's hunt!\nProducer: We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and-\nNed: Mm-Jimbo, look!\nJimbo: Hit the deck!\nScene Description: They hide behind a snow drift.\nProducer: What is it?\nJimbo: It's him! The Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. He's right over there on that rock.\nProducer: He is?\nJimbo: Dumb-ass! You've got to keep your eyes away from him!\nScene Description: The producer tries to sneak a peek, but Jimbo forces him down again.\nJimbo: Stay down. Ned, you take flight position; I'll try and keep it turned away from you.\nNed: Mm-roger that.\nScene Description: Ned leaves the drift, as Jimbo stands, facing the camera.\nJimbo: Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today.\nScene Description: Ned moves behind the cameraman and begins his assault.\nJimbo: The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us.\nScene Description: Ned jumps from behind one tree to behind another.\nJimbo: We've got to take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device, while Ned will ambush him from the rear.\nScene Description: Jimbo pulls the pin out and throws the grenade behind him. It hits the rock, but the plastic frog simply went about face.\nJimbo: Now, Ned! He's not looking!\nScene Description: Ned advances quickly.\nJimbo: Quick, Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now, Ned!\nScene Description: Silence.\nJimbo: Ned. Ne-ed?\nScene Description: He turns around and draws closer to the rock. He sees Ned, now catatonic, looking at the frog.\nJimbo: Oh, no!\nScene Description: Close-up. Ned's hair stands on end.\nJimbo: Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it!\nScene Description: Ned's gun drops from his good arm.\nJimbo: Come back to me, buddy.\nProducer: You getting all this?\nScene Description: The cameraman smiles and gives a thumbs up.\nJimbo: Hold onto your butts.\nScene Description: Jimbo fires away at the frog with his shotgun.\nJimbo: Take that, you demon frog!\nScene Description: Jimbo rushes up to Ned.\nJimbo: Ned, Ned? Can you hear me?\nScene Description: He turns to his crew.\nJimbo: Quick! Somebody, call an ambulance! This man is catatonic!\nProducer: Get the Flight for Life helicopter!\nScene Description: The boys rise out of the shrubs.\nStan: Holy crap, dude.\nScene Description: Hells Pass Hospital. Jimbo is at Ned's bedside reading to him.\nJimbo: ...\"but Ponyboy was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying, 'stay gold.'\"\nScene Description: Jimbo closes the book and watches Ned.\nJimbo: Aw, Ned. If you can hear me, y-you've got to snap out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh-I'll never forgive myself.\nScene Description: The boys enter the room.\nJimbo: Aw, Stanley, he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!\nStan: Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real!\nKyle: Look!\nScene Description: Kyle holds up the plastic frog, which puts Jimbo on guard.\nJimbo: Aghh! What the hell are you doing? I almost looked right at it!\nStan: Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's not real. Check it out!\nScene Description: Jimbo drops his guard and inspects the frog.\nJimbo: What..?\nStan: We shot all those videos and sent them in.\nKyle: Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really, really funny joke! [Grins.]\nJimbo: You sent in those videos?!\nProducer: [On the phone.] Oh, this is not good.\nJimbo: My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the laughingstock of South Park!\nKyle: Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog was just a piece of plastic!\nStan: Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'.\nScene Description: No response from Ned.\nJimbo: You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican staring frog that he must have sent himself into a deep coma.\nScene Description: Jesus' producer is suddenly at the doorway with a satellite listening device.\nJesus' producer: It's a psychosomatic response. [Entering.] I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now.\nKyle: Who are you?\nJesus' producer: I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you might have heard of it. Your story is amazing; full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness.\nJimbo: Uhhhh... Thanks?\nJesus' producer: How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?\nScene Description: Jesus and Pals, after a commercial break. Today's topic: Tots in Trouble.\nJesus: We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't they?\nJimbo: That's right, Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting.\nScene Description: A woman claps.\nJimbo: Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids faked the footage!\nJesus: Is that true, Stan?\nStan: It was just a joke; we didn't think it would hurt anybody.\nScene Description: Jesus looks over to see his producer signaling him to call for a break.\nJesus: Uhh, we'll find out more about this debauchery when we return.\nCameraman: A-and we're out.\nScene Description: Jesus walks off the stage, as the producer walks on.\nProducer: You're corpses out here! We need a lot more action from everybody!\nJimbo: Like what?\nProducer: Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.\nJimbo: Satan. Got it.\nStan: Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!\nJimbo: Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!\nProducer: And you kids! I didn't bring you on this show to be boring. Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.\nScene Description: Cartman raises his hand.\nCartman: Dibs!\nProducer: Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue.\nJimbo: Roger.\nScene Description: The theme music plays again and the crowd applauds for the next segment. Action.\nJesus: Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?\nJimbo: I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs and worships the devil!\nScene Description: The audience and Stan gasp.\nAudience: Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!\nJesus: Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your uncle is really worried about you.\nStan: Well, I only..did it 'cause... he..molested me.\nScene Description: Jesus' jaw drops. The audience boos, and the sound man and the director high-five each other.\nJimbo: Why, you little piece of crap!\nStan: You big piece of crap!\nCartman: That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!\nScene Description: Cartman takes his chair and throws it at Ned.\nCartman: Take that, hippie!\nScene Description: The chair hits Ned, who continues to just sit there.\nJimbo: Hey!\nAudience: Jeesus! Jeesus!\nScene Description: Jimbo picks up his chair and throws it at Cartman. The chair hits a woman in the right side of her head in the audience and she gets up angry. She heads for the stage.\nScene Description: Jesus tries to calm things down.\nJesus: O-okay, okay, that's enough.\nWoman: [Slugs Jimbo.] Take that, you asshole!\nScene Description: Jimbo falls. She jumps on him and strikes again.\nWoman: What the fuck was that?\nJesus: Uh, let's watch the language, people.\nJimbo: Bring it on, you bitch!\nScene Description: She hits him again.\nCartman: Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!\nAudience: Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!\nScene Description: A blond man pushes Jesus out of the way as he heads for the stage. The rest of the audience follow suit, and soon everyone is fighting.\nJesus: Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.\nScene Description: Kenny is being pulled apart by two men.\nKenny: (Nononono-yikes!)\nScene Description: A man in a green shirt hits Kenny in the face with a chair.\nScene Description: Kenny is ripped in half.\nMan in green shirt pulling Kenny: Yeah, yeah, yeh... [Gasps.]\nMan in blue shirt pulling Kenny: Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh?\nMan with chair hitting Kenny: Oh, Oh! Aah! AAAAGGHH!!! [Gasps.] Ooh.. Ew [Shrieks.]\nScene Description: Kenny begins crying.\nKenny: [Sobbing.] (OW! OW! DUDE, PLEASE STOP!! OH, FUCK! YIKES!!!!!)\nScene Description: The 3 men, Stan, & Kyle gasp in horror to see what happened.\nStan: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nScene Description: Cartman comes flying across the stage.\nCartman: Ey, you guys!\nScene Description: Two men just sitting in the audience start to fight for no reason.\nJesus: Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.\nWoman: Oh, my God!\nScene Description: A man walks by with a chainsaw.\nJesus: Shut the fuck up!\nScene Description: The audience members stop and gasp at him. Cartman was biting at the leg of a man onstage.\nJesus: Jesus, what is wrong with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused.\nScene Description: The audience members slowly return to their seats.\nStan: W-we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in trouble.\nScene Description: A couple of rats come by and drag Kenny's upper half away.\nJimbo: Hey, now. Everything I told you boys about the war actually happened.\nStan: Mr. Garrison said that there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Vietcong Army by yourself.\nJesus: The entire Vietcong Army?\nJimbo: I uh... Well, okay, I might have embellished the truth a little, but that's different.\nJesus: Is it?\nJimbo: Well, sure. I mean, eh... [Pinned.] Well, no uh, I guess not.\nJesus: And as for you, Stan uh, I think you need to kick your drug habit and-\nStan: Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie!\nJesus: Wait. Jimbo made that up?\nStan: No, your producer did.\nScene Description: This gets the producer's attention.\nStan: She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.\nJesus: What?\nStan: During the break. Your producer came over, and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!\nJimbo: It's true, she did. Hu-I'm such a tool.\nJesus: Oh, really?\nScene Description: The producer is now trying to hide behind a potted plant.\nKyle: Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!\nCartman: Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They made me do that.\nMan in Brown Shirt: Screw this show. I thought this was all real.\nScene Description: The audience members begin to leave.\nJesus: W-wait, everybody. Come back.\nMichael Jackson fan: [Pats Jesus on the shoulder.] Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes; it's only natural.\nScene Description: South Park Public Access, outside. Later...\nJimbo: I'm sorry, Stan. I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.\nStan: W-we're sorry, too, Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world.\nKyle: Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.\nJimbo: Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard-core porn, he'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?\nScene Description: Jimbo slaps him on the shoulder, and Ned falls like a statue. A door opens.\nJesus: I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place.\nJimbo: Yeah. Titties and beer.\nJesus: Actually, I was referring more to the pursuit of truth, but-Well, anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and the ratings and producers and-\nKyle: Wait a sec. Where is your producer?\nJesus: [Upset.] I sent her away.\nCartman: Sent her away where?\nScene Description: Hell. She enters Satan's lair with phone in hand. Pitchforks rise and begin poking her.\nProducer: What is this? What's happening?!\nSatan: Welcome to my dominion.\nProducer: [Retreating.] Oooooohhhh!\nSaddam Hussein: [Comes up behind Satan and stands next to him.] Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on, Satan.\nSatan: Okay, honey.\nScene Description: They turn around and walk away, the camera enters her mouth as she screams.\nProducer: Noooooo!\nScene Description: End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. War is hell My brother's a dirty mess In war, war is hell It's hell for you and me"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere going uphill. The kids are having a grand time running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an entire two-tiered chocolate cake in his lap.\nMs. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE SLIICK!\nStan: Hey, Cartman!\nCartman: What?\nStan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?\nCartman: [Finishes a bite.] Hmmm, let me see. No!\nKyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!\nCartman: Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.\nStan: Give us some, Cartman!\nMs. Crabtree: [Turns around.] BE QUIET BACK THERRE!\nKyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.\nStan: Dude, the road is always snowy.\nKyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.\nCartman: [Now baiting.] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Oh, yes I can. [Resumes eating.]\nStan: Shut up, Cartman!\nScene Description: Ms. Crabtree slams on the brakes, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny.\nMs. Crabtree: Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!\nScene Description: She now points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving.\nStan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.\nKyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.\nScene Description: The bus comes to a halt at a road block.\nMs. Crabtree: GOODD!\nScene Description: The sign reads: Road Closed due to Avalanche. Detour at your own risk.\nMs. Crabtree: OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!\nScene Description: She starts up the bus and takes the detour.\nStan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.\nCartman: [Exhausted.] I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but but, but I'll try.\nKyle: Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!\nMs. Crabtree: [Spins around.] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!\nScene Description: She turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn.\nMs. Crabtree: Whoa oh.\nScene Description: She slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill.\nMs. Crabtree: Hold oonn! Aaaaa!\nScene Description: The kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down.\nKids: Aaaah!\nKyle: I'm scared!\nMs. Crabtree: BE QUIET, KID!\nScene Description: The kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river - and over a waterfall, straight down.\nAll: Aaaah!\nScene Description: Near the river, a guide is taking a couple bird-watching.\nGuide: ...Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee. They're indigenous to this area.\nScene Description: The guide walks forward. The husband takes a picture of the chickadee. In the background, the bus falls past them.\nThe Kids: Aaaah!\nWife: What was that?\nGuide: [Turns.] What was what?\nScene Description: At the foot of the waterfall. The bus plunges into the water and bobs up facing backwards.\nAll: Aaaah-\nScene Description: It is carried further down until the river bends. Then the bus is washed up onto the river bank, on the other side of which is a cliff. The bus teeters on the precipice.\nCartman: All done!\nMs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!\nScene Description: Cartman takes his seat, but leaves the cake tin on the floor. The rest of the kids moan and groan, and they are strewn all over the bus.\nMs. Crabtree: I SAID 'QUIET,' OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!\nScene Description: The bunny and gun are out again, and the kids shut up.\nStan: Where are we?\nMs. Crabtree: I have no idea.\nStan: I don't think we're in a very safe spot.\nKyle: Yeah, what are we supposed to do?\nMs. Crabtree: Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult the manual.\nScene Description: She reaches for it and leafs through until she gets to it. She tosses the book away and reaches for the videotape drawer.\nCartman: Ms. Crabtree?\nMs. Crabtree: SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING VIDEO!\nTrainer: [The video starts.] Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's video guidebook. What to do if you become stranded. By now you've calmed down the children and kept order by using the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny' technique. Now, it's time to get help. The most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. So do not, under any circumstances, let any children off the bus. The best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, 'A big scary monster will eat you if you step off the bus.'\nMs. Crabtree: KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!\nTrainer: That's right. With the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. And remember your bus driver's code: 'Sit down. And shut up!'\nMs. Crabtree: I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as soon as I can. Remember. Don't get off this bus, or a big scary monster WILL EAT YOU!\nScene Description: She gets off the bus and walks down the river bank. The bus teeters a bit.\nBoy In The Red Shirt: Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her?\nKyle: 'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches!\nMs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!\nKyle: I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.'\nMs. Crabtree: Oh.\nStan: Dude, this is not good! She could've at least kept the heat on.\nScene Description: A roadside. Ms. Crabtree has found a vertical path leading down to the road and climbs down some large boulders.\nMs. Crabtree: Had to happen to me, didn't it?\nScene Description: Reaches the curb and puts out a thumb.\nTruck Driver: Lookin' for love in all the wrong places Lookin' for love in too-\nScene Description: The truck driver sees Ms. Crabtree, then lowers the mirror and sets his hair.\nTruck Driver: Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa.\nScene Description: He stops his rig and lowers the passenger window.\nTruck Driver: Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh. Goin' my way?\nMs. Crabtree: SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING!\nTruck Driver: Whoa. Hehum huh.\nMs. Crabtree: [Grunts.] Yeah! [Now seated.] COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!\nTruck Driver: Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course.\nScene Description: He checks out her legs and grins.\nMs. Crabtree: TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, YOU FREAK-ASS CRACKPOT!\nTruck Driver: Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away, ma'am.}\nScene Description: He starts up the truck.\nTruck Driver: So uh... Uhwhat's a- fragile little doe like yourself doin' out on a, on a night like this?\nMs. Crabtree: LOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE, HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN!\nScene Description: She takes a couple.\nTruck Driver: Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies.\nMs. Crabtree: ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!\nScene Description: The driver is quite happy right now.\nMs. Crabtree: HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST TOOWWN?!\nTruck Driver: Mm-... mm-it's a ways.\nScene Description: Next day, and the bus is still there.\nCartman: You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're all trapped here forever.\nKids: [Gasp, then individually.] What? Huh?\nKyle: We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman. We'd die after a couple of days.\nScene Description: The others gasp.\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: I don't wanna die on this- bus with you assholes! [Panics.] You guys suck!\nStan: Would you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine.\nKyle: Worse than this?\nStan: Well sure. Don't you remember that time that the aliens kidnapped your little brother Ike? Now, that was scary.\nScene Description: Stan's Tale: from Cartman Gets An Anal Probe, but with a twist. The boys and Wendy, are in the forest waiting for the visitors, using Cartman, who is tied to a tree by his foot, as bait.\nScene Description: Cartman tugs at his foot, testing the rope.\nCartman: Oh, man, this sucks.\nKyle: How come the visitors aren't coming for him.\nStan: I think we have to signal them somehow.\nCartman: [Farts fire.] Ow!\nWendy: Hey, he's like Rudolph.\nKyle: Yeah. [Shouting] All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come!\nCartman: Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.\nKyle: Sure you do!\nStan: Come on Cartman, fart!\nCartman: I don't wanna.\nStan: [To Kyle and Wendy] He can't hold it in forever.\nKyle: Fart, damn you!\nCartman: Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!\nScene Description: Cartman farts, and an anal probe comes out of his butt.\nKyle: Whoa, look at that.\nCartman: It's completely immature!\nScene Description: The probe is starting to resemble a truck.\nStan: Hey, it's happening again.\nScene Description: The assembly is done, and a clerk stands ready to serve ice cream.\nStan: It's a ice cream truck. Now do you believe this, Cartman?\nCartman: You guys can't scare me!\nStan: Cartman, there's an ice cream truck sticking out of your ass.\nScene Description: The mother ship and three daughter ships come down, and visitors appear. They walk over to the truck.\nKyle: Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice cream.\nStan: Wow! I guess everything's going to be okay.\nScene Description: He walks over to Wendy and kisses her good.\nWendy: Mmmm.\nScene Description: Back to the bus.\nStan: Now, that was what I call a sticky situation.\nScene Description: The kids laugh.\nKyle: You can say that again.\nCartman: Was that how it happened?\nScene Description: In the Trucker's Cab.\nMs. Crabtree: STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD!\nTruck Driver: Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care a lot about that bus full of uuh- what was it again?\nMs. Crabtree: Children.\nTruck Driver: Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you.\nScene Description: They get out of the truck and head over to Pauly Shore's Funny Pit.\nMs. Crabtree: WHO- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?!\nCarrot Ass: [On stage.] I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin' I hate, it's flyin'.\nTruck Driver: [Nudging Ms. Crabtree.] Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin' in yet?\nMs. Crabtree: WELL, I DON'T THINK SO!\nTruck Driver: Damn!\nCarrot Ass: D'you guys like impressions?\nPatron: No!\nCarrot Ass: Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.\nScene Description: Carrot Ass turns around, makes adjustments, and turns again.\nCarrot Ass: Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse!\nMs. Crabtree: YOU SUUCK!!\nScene Description: The audience roars with laughter.\nCarrot Ass: Youse guys, shut up!\nMs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!\nScene Description: More laughter.\nCarrot Ass: [As Barney, the dinosaur.] Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love me.\nMs. Crabtree: I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!\nScene Description: More laughter. A man falls down from laughing so hard. Carrot Ass pees in his pants and walks off stage. A talent scout walks up to Ms. Crabtree.\nTalent Scout: Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural! You're the funniest comic I've seen in yeauhs!\nMs. Crabtree: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP. I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!!\nTalent Scout: Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle!\nScene Description: Night time at the precipice.\nStan: Do you see 'er dude?\nKyle: Nope.\nCartman: God-dammit, how long is this goin' to take?\nBoy In The Red Shirt: She's never coming back. Don't you get it? She left us here to die like pigs.\nKyle: Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny.\nKenny: [Miffed at Kyle.] (Huh?)\nBoy In The Red Shirt: I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here! [He begins to hyperventilate.]\nStan: No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree said: there's a big black scary monster out there!\nBoy In The Red Shirt: Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.\nKyle: Don't do it, kid.\nScene Description: The kid in the red shirt kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off.\nStan: Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.\nScene Description: The boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and snatches him up.\nBoy In The Red Shirt: Nooooo-agh!\nScene Description: The monster picks him up and swallows him whole.\nKyle: Holy crap, dude!\nScene Description: The monster turns and scurries away. The precipice is quiet for a while before the boy's skeleton is tossed back. It lands on one of the bus windows and slowly slides down, leaving some blood. The kids jump back and run around confused.\nBebe: Gross!\nScene Description: The kids take their seats.\nStan: Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus.\nScene Description: South Park, the next day. Liane Cartman prepares some Cookie Dings dough for baking, and the phone rings, and she answers it.\nLiane: Hello?\nSharon: Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother.\nLiane: Oh yes, Sharon. How are you?\nSharon: Ms. Cartman, is your son at home?\nLiane: Hu-old on, dear, let me check.\nScene Description: Liane lowers the phone.\nLiane: Hon, I made beefy logs.\nScene Description: Silence.\nLiane: I made Cookie Dings.\nScene Description: Silence.\nLiane: No, he's not here.\nSharon: Well, now I am worried. I've tried all the houses and nobody knows where they are.\nLiane: Oh, dear!\nScene Description: Denver.\nTalent Scout: I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural! I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich.\nMarty: What's her angle?\nTalent Scout: I can't even explain it. You have to see it.\nMarty: Alright. Well, this better be good.\nScene Description: The talent scout turns around and goes to the door.\nTalent Scout: Come on in, come on in.\nMs. Crabtree: WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?!\nTalent Scout: Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree.\nMarty: Pleasure to meet you.\nMs. Crabtree: YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!!\nTalent Scout: What did I tell you?\nMarty: She's fantastic. How would you like to make a million dollars, baby?\nMs. Crabtree: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!\nMarty: Let's get started right away.\nTruck Driver: Are you gonna be all right?\nMs. Crabtree: DON'T TOUCH ME!\nTruck Driver: Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything?\nMs. Crabtree: No. I just...\nTruck Driver: What?\nMs. Crabtree: I can't help but feel that I've forgotten somethin'.\nScene Description: Another night at the precipice.\nStan: What time is it?\nKenny: (Almost 7:30.)\nKyle: On Wednesday or Thursday?\nStan: Dude, I think it's Saturday now.\nCartman: What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.\nScene Description: Kyle turns around and stares out the back window.\nKyle: Aw man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus.\nStan: Well, we can't go anywhere or else that big scary monster outside will get us.\nCartman: What do you think it is?\nStan: I don't know, it's- a big scary monster.\nScene Description: Kyle turns to listen.\nKyle: Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt. [He sits back down.]\nStan: What?\nKyle: Don't you remember? That time we were out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and Ned.\nScene Description: Kyle's Tale: from Volcano, with a twist. Jimbo, Ned, and the boys are running from the flowing lava.\nBoys: Aaaaaa!\nJimbo: The lava's comin' right for us!\nCartman: Heellp!\nScene Description: The lava is charging down the hill, and the boys, Jimbo, and Ned have reached the trench. Scuzzlebutt appears, and they stare in awe.\nJimbo: Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!\nCartman: What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!\nKyle: Oh my God! Look at his leg!\nBrent Musberger: Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger.\nKyle: Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg!\nAll: Aaaa!\nJimbo: Quick Ned, shoot it!\nScene Description: Ned tries to cock the gun but nothing is happening.\nNed: Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo.\nStan: Hey, look!\nScuzzlebutt: Grrrr.\nScene Description: Scuzzlebutt has fashioned some ice cream cones out of thin air.\nKyle: Dude! He's making ice cream.\nScene Description: Scuzzlebutt offers the cones to the boys, Cartman takes the chocolate one.\nCartman: Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!\nKyle: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.\nScene Description: The kids laugh.\nStan: Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because Scuzzlebutt's nice.\nCartman: Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.\nKyle: Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher wouldn't be out lying in the forest waiting to kill us!\nCartman: Oh no? Don't you remember the time he went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford?\nScene Description: Cartman's Tale: from Weight Gain 4000. Mr. Garrison is in the book depository waiting for Kathie Lee to pass by.\nMayor McDaniels: [Excitedly.] Here she comes!\nScene Description: The band marches down the street, followed by Kathie Lee Gifford's car and entourage. She's in her bubble waving to the crowds.\nMr. Garrison: Come on you little bitch.\nScene Description: He takes aim, but the view is fuzzy as he focuses in on her.\nMayor McDaniels: [On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers. Kathie Lee's security force throw her, bubble and all, on stage.\nKathie Lee: Thank you.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison has his target, but Stan and Wendy rush in.\nStan: Mr. Garrison, stop!\nMr. Garrison: [He turns to face them.] Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.\nWendy: But Mr. Garrison!\nMr. Garrison: [Faces them again.] She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. She's some kinda alien.\nKathie Lee: Thank you. And I love you all.\nScene Description: A shot pierces the bubble and enters Kathie Lee's head. The crowd gasps as she holds her head. She rips it open to reveal a vicious little green alien.\nAlien: Naawwr!\nScene Description: The alien jumps out of the bubble. Mr. Garrison follows it in his sights and shoots it dead.\nMr. Garrison: [Facing Stan and Wendy.] See, I told ya.\nScene Description: Stan and Wendy shrug and lock lips.\nWendy: Mmmm.\nMayor McDaniels: [Sheepishly giddy.] Wow, this is gonna put a damper on the day. [Into the mic.] Let's have ice cream, everyone! [The crowd cheers.]\nScene Description: Cartman is on stage, totally ripped, he flexes with a vanilla ice cream cone in his left hand.\nCartman: Beefcaake!\nCartman: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.\nScene Description: The kids laugh.\nStan: But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun.\nCartman: Oh, yeah.\nScene Description: Burbank, NBC Studios, 11:35 p.m.\nAnnouncer: Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's special guests include: Washed-up Actress from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree. And now, here's your host, Jay Leno.\nScene Description: He comes out with a very long chin, down to his knees. He turns and waves at the audience.\nTalent Scout: Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna kill out there.\nMs. Crabtree: KILL WHO?!\nTalent Scout: Huh that's great. Use that. [Holds up his thumbs.]\nTruck Driver: Honey du-, do you need anything?\nMs. Crabtree: JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES.\nTruck Driver: [Rushing up.] Sure.\nScene Description: He offers it, and she takes it and swallows.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. A crowd of people is gathered in there with Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down, n'kay? This type of thing happens all the time.\nSharon: What do ya mean?! How often does an entire third-grade class go missing?!\nMr. Mackey: Well, 99% of the time, when a child is missing, it's because they've run away. M'kay?\nScene Description: The parents gasp.\nSharon: Run away?\nSheila: [Fretfully.] Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gefukahukah.\nRandy: How do we get our runaway children back?\nMr. Mackey: Well, we just need to make some posters, nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That way, the public can know what the chldren look like and can call in if thry're spotted, m'kay?\nSharon: Let's get started right away! They could be halfway to L. A. by now.\nSheila: It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack.\nScene Description: About town. An insistent tune plays. Posters of the missing kids are going up everywhere. Gerald pins a picture of Kyle on a tree, and Randy tapes one of Stan on a light post.\nMan 1: Come on, everybody!\nMan 2: We've got to find those kids!\nMan 1: If we all put our heads together, we can find them!\nMan 2: We can do it!\nScene Description: Liane is in a bikini passing out pictures of Eric. This draws men, young and old, from all around.\nMan 3: Hi.\nScene Description: On a wall are pictures of, from left to right, Bebe, Clyde, Stan, Kyle, Macaulay Culkin, Pip,...\nScene Description: Midnight on the precipice. The bus rocks slowly and with a loud thud.\nStan: What was that?\nKyle: What was what?\nStan: Dude, I think the scary monster is right outside the bus!\nKyle: What could it be? If only we knew what we were up against.\nKenny: (Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance and Phillip was off the air?)\nKyle: Hey yeah, I remember that.\nKenny: (All I know is that it was a loong time ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle down the street.)\nScene Description: Kenny's Tale: from Death. The boys are running down the street, Death pursues them, and Grandpa Marsh pursues Death.\nThe Boys: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!\nScene Description: Death is following the kids on a tricycle, while Grandpa Marsh is trying to keep up with Death on his electric wheelchair.\nGrandpa Marsh: Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!\nThe Boys: Aaaah!\nKyle: [Sees Death close to Kenny.] Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!\nGrandpa: Come over here you son of a whore!\nScene Description: Everyone passes the electronics store without stopping to see Terrance and Phillip. Death is about to touch Kenny when Kenny decides to defend his life.\nKenny: (Take... that!)\nScene Description: Kenny flips Death off the trike and starts jumping on him. Death starts coming apart.\nKenny: (You dick! That is for me, and that, that and that, that and that, that, that, that!)\nScene Description: Kyle and Stan return to watch.\nStan: Oh my God! Kenny- killed... death!\nKyle: You... bastard?\nScene Description: Kenny reaches into Death's corpse, pulls out a strawberry ice cream cone, and starts licking.\nKenny: (Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call a sticky situation!)\nScene Description: The kids laugh.\nStan: Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be Death, because Death only touches you, it doesn't eat you.\nKenny: (Oh, yeah.)\nKyle: Well, who really cares what that monster is outside? As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us. Right?\nScene Description: The roof rips open and the scary monster reaches in and gropes for someone. Butters jumps for the front window, and Pip and Craig try to open their windows.\nKids: AAAAH!\nKid: MOMMY!\nScene Description: The monster's claw settles on Kenny and pulls him out.\nKenny: [Gasps.] (Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn! Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!)\nScene Description: The monster scurries away, holding Kenny tight.\nStan: Oh my God, it's killing Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nScene Description: Stan watches as Kenny and the monster disappear.\nStan: Hoh boy, we're in big trouble.\nScene Description: Cartman looks out through the gaping hole in the roof.\nCartman: Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza?\nScene Description: Back at The Tonight Show, Ms. Crabtree's segment has just started.\nMs. Crabtree: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?!\nScene Description: The audience laughs.\nMs. Crabtree: STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!!\nScene Description: More laughs.\nMs. Crabtree: I SAID, SHUT UP!!\nScene Description: The audience is hushed, then roars with laughter again. She stays quiet and walks off stage.\nJay Leno: Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What an up-and-comer!\nTruck Driver: Well. That was great, ma'am.\nMs. Crabtree: Was it? Does it even matter?\nTruck Driver: Wwhat do ya mean?\nMs. Crabtree: Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like a dead tree. I think it's time for me to give it up.\nTruck Driver: Are you sure?\nMs. Crabtree: Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.\nScene Description: They walk off. Meanwhile it's daytime, and the sun is shining into the bus through the roof.\nCartman: I wonder when the monster is gonna come back to feed again?\nScene Description: The kids shiver.\nKyle: We've just gotta stick together.\nStan: Yeah. There's got to be a way out of this.\nCartman: Hay, wait a minute.\nStan: What?\nCartman: Remember the time when Fonzie jumped over the buses with his motorcycle?\nScene Description: Happy Days' Tale: Arnold's at night. Every kid of driving age shows up to see Fonzie jump the buses. Two of his many admiring girls get him ready for the jump, then walk away. The Fonz revs up the bike.\nJoanie Cunningham: Go, Fonzie!\nFonzie: Eeeeyyyy!\nScene Description: The Fonz strikes a pose and gives a thumbs up.\nCartman: You can do it, Fonzie.\nStan: We believe in you, Fonz.\nFonzie: Eeeeyyyy!\nScene Description: The Fonz revs up his motorcycle and heads for the ramp. He passes it and turns around, does a wheelie, and goes for the jump. He sails over the buses and lands. He gets close to the crowd and loses control. Everybody but Kenny gets out of the way.\nKenny: (Hey, that freakin' bike-!)\nScene Description: Fonzie's bike smashes him into the brick wall and bounces off, and Fonzie sails over the wall. After a moment, Kenny drops, and Fonzie gets up behind the wall.\nFonzie: [Triumphantly.] Eeyy!\nScene Description: He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chocolate ice cream cone, then starts licking.\nStan: Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nCartman: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. Uheheheh, heh.\nStan: You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the way it happened!\nKyle: Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours ago from that monster! How could he have died back then, too?\nCartman: [Thinks.] Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.\nScene Description: As he turns around, the bus lurches again.\nStan: Oh no!\nScene Description: The bus teeters.\nKids: Aaaah!\nKyle: What are we gonna do?\nKids: [Running around.] Aaaah!\nScene Description: Nighttime arrives, and Kyle looks out the back window as the kids move around. Clyde and Red run to the front, and Craig runs from the front door to the seat behind the driver.\nStan: Now we need more weight in the back.\nScene Description: Red and Clyde run back, and the third kid runs back to the door.\nStan: No, that's too much!\nScene Description: Clyde and Red run to the front, but stop halfway. The front of the bus drops back to the ground.\nKyle: There. [Drops into his seat.] I think we got it.\nStan: I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude.\nKyle: Don't worry. Everything's gonna work out. It always does.\nCartman: It does?\nKyle: Sure. Remember that time that that kid in the red shirt decided to go off on his own?\nScene Description: The Ensign's Tale: Two nights ago. The kid in the red shirt decides not to wait for help to come, but to go and look for help himself.\nBoy In The Red Shirt: Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.\nKyle: Don't do it, kid.\nScene Description: The kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off.\nStan: Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.\nThe boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and traps the boy.: Dialog\nBoy In The Red Shirt: Nooooo-agh!\nScene Description: The monster picks him up and swallows him whole.\nKyle: Holy crap, dude!\nScene Description: The monster pulls out a spoon and some ice cream to enjoy with his meal.\nKyle: Hey look! He's got ice cream!\nScene Description: Kyle and Stan smile.\nKids: Hooray! Yea!\nScene Description: The roof opens up.\nKids: Aaah!\nScene Description: Cartman smiles, and ice cream cones start dropping in for the kids to catch.\nKids: Yea! Ha ha.\nScene Description: The kids enjoy the treats.\nKyle: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.\nScene Description: The kids laugh.\nScene Description: A marsh. Ms. Crabtree and the truck driver are enjoying a quiet moment.\nMs. Crabtree: Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.\nTruck Driver: From a distance, this place looks like a cold, damp marsh. But once you get inside it...\nScene Description: They look at each other.\nTruck Driver: ...you realize that it has an inner beauty, far surpassing others.\nScene Description: He hugs her a little tighter.\nTruck Driver: Thank you for sharing your time with me, Ms. Crabtree.\nMs. Crabtree: Please. Call me Muffin.\nTruck Driver: I'm having a nice time, Muffin.\nMs. Crabtree: Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.\nScene Description: The precipice. All her cares are still waiting for someone to rescue them.\nCartman: Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones.\nKyle: Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV, for the trainng video? Maybe we can watch TV on it.\nStan: Hey yeah!\nScene Description: Cartman hops down, goes to the driver's seat, and turns on the TV. After a second or two, News 4 pops up.\nTom: ...And all over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away. Tonight, a very special message from the parents of some runaway children, in hopes that their young will hear their cries.\nRandy: Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa.\nScene Description: Stan looks glum.\nRandy: Gosh, your mother and I miss ya. And I hope that... wherever you may be, you'll hear this message.\nScene Description: Music begins, and Randy sings passionately.\nRandy: Little lamb, you're lost in the great big world Runaway, findin' streets so cold\nKyle: [Pointing at Stan.] Du-hude! Your dad's a retard!\nScene Description: Stan looks embarrassed. On TV, Gerald steps up to the mic.\nGerald: Please come home, Kyle.\nScene Description: Now Kyle looks glum.\nGerald: You left home lookin' for somethin' new.\nScene Description: Kyle is really embarrassed.\nGerald: But all you need is right here waitin' for you\nScene Description: The kids laugh at Kyle.\nThe Parents: Runaway, come home. We love you just as you are. Runaway, come home. We're sorry things went this far.\nScene Description: There are twelve adults present: The Marshes, the Broflovskis, the McCormicks, Liane Cartman, Mr. Garrison, Kevin's mother, and three unidentified adults.\nStan: Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us?\nClyde: I hope my dad doesn't sing.\nCartman: Hey! Do you guys remember the time I found out who my father was?\nStan: Boy, do I!\nScene Description: Cartman's Tale: from Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut. All the men are gathered at Mephesto's room in Hell's Pass Hospital. The boys and Liane are also there.\nMephesto: Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... John Elway.\nScene Description: All gasp. Congratulatory music plays.\nCartman: Sweeeeeett! [Smiles big.]\nJohn Elway: Uh oh.\nCartman: This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway is my father!\nScene Description: He starts a little cheer.\nCartman: My father is John Elway, My father is John Elway Deedun, Deedun.\nScene Description: John Elway comes over to Cartman.\nJohn Elway: Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice cream.\nScene Description: Cartman looks up lovingly at his purported father, and they walk away. Curiously, Liane Cartman is left behind.\nCartman: Now, that's what I call a sti-\nKyle: Wait a minute. I though your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis.\nCartman: What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts!\nScene Description: He hops off his seat, and the bus moves a little, then Cartman's weight heaves the bus. He makes his way to the back.\nStan: Cartman, no!\nScene Description: The bus slowly starts to teeter.\nKids: Aaaaaa!\nStan: The bus is going over!\nKyle: Oh no!\nKids: [All hurrying to the front.] Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa.\nScene Description: Craig tries to hang on to a seat, but loses his grip and falls through the back window screaming. With the help of Kevin, Stan pulls Kyle to safety from the back of the bus. The bus snaps in two halves, and the front end comes down along with the other half. A second later, both parts of the bus slip into the steep canyon.\nKids: Aaaaa!\nScene Description: The scene is shown again, but this time the bus falls into a colossal tub of Super Chocolaty Chunky Funk Chip Surprise Ice Cream. The kids are strewn all over the place once again.\nStan: [He and Kyle get up and look out the window] Hey! We've landed in ice cream!\nKids: Hooray!\nCartman: Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make sense. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I must be-\nScene Description: Cartman's bedroom. Cartman snaps out of a vivid dream and sits up.\nCartman: Deah, eh eh. [Sweats.] Oh man, what a weird dream!\nScene Description: Liane appears at his door with milk and a bowl.\nLiane: Ah-are you okay, hon?\nCartman: Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus, and we were talking about everything that happened to us, except that it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream.\nLiane: Oh. Well. Would you like some beetles for breakfast?\nScene Description: Beetles start crawling out of the bowl.\nCartman: Yes, please.\nScene Description: Liane snaps up the first beetle the leaves the bowl and eats it.\nLiane: Mmmm.\nCartman: Mmmm. [Munch munch gobble.] Mmmm.\nLiane: Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream.\nScene Description: Stan's bedroom. Stan is asleep.\nStan: GAAA-uh.\nScene Description: Stan is now wide awake, as he sits up.\nStan: Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare.\nScene Description: He reaches for the phone and dials a number.\nKyle: [Already up, reaches for the phone.] Hello?\nStan: Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.\nKyle: Really?\nStan: Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that we were all trapped on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about things that had happened, only they were all wrong, and, and then he and his mother ate beetles.\nKyle: Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream.\nStan: Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems.\nKyle: Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come?\nStan: Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep anymore. See you later.\nScene Description: He hangs up, hops off the bed and leaves.\nScene Description: The marsh. Cartman's dream has a life of its own and is self-aware, like a holodeck program gone awry. A frog croaks.\nMs. Crabtree: I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus.\nTruck Driver: Ms. Crabtree?\nMs. Crabtree: What is it? What's wrong?\nTruck Driver: You realize I can't stay. None of this is real: it's... it's all been a little eight-year old's dream.\nMs. Crabtree: Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can.\nTruck Driver: Sure.\nScene Description: He hugs her a bit tighter, and they stare off into the horizon, at a very red sunset.\nScene Description: \"Runaway, Come Home\" plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary. In the final hour of the school year...\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr. Hat?\nScene Description: The kids stay silent.\nMr. Garrison: Children! I want Mr. Hat back, right now!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison pounds his desk in frustration.\nMr. Garrison: The prank is over!\nScene Description: He pounds his desk again. The kids sit still.\nMr. Garrison: You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him? Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.\nScene Description: He starts waiting. Soon he grimaces, then he taps his thumbs together, then taps them faster.\nMr. Garrison: God damn it! Where the fuck did you put Mr. Hat?!\nScene Description: He pounds his desk hard and the apple bounces away. The dismissal bell rings.\nKids: Yea-\nMr. Garrison: Oh no, you don't! The school year is over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!\nKids: Awww..!\nMr. Garrison: Now, I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison turns to face the board.\nMr. Garrison: Okay. I'm going to turn around now.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison turns back toward the classroom, to find that all the kids except for Pip have left.\nMr. Garrison: Shit!\nPip: Where did everybody go?\nScene Description: Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door.\nKids: Yea!/Hooray!/Summer!\nScene Description: The snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and his parents rush up to meet him.\nMother: Oh golly, Kevin, honey.\nFather: Good to see you again, son.\nScene Description: The boys walk past a house where a man inhales in the warm breeze.\nMan: Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready.\nScene Description: He uses a chainsaw on the tree in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down.\nScene Description: A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through and meet Pip along the way.\nPip: Oh, happy summer, gentlemen!\nStan: Shut up, Pip.\nPip: Right-o. Uh... Enjoy some of this summer for me, would you?\nKyle: What do you mean?\nPip: Well, I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.\nCartman: Your parents are dead? Goddamn, you suck, Pip!\nScene Description: The boys laugh at him and walk away.\nScene Description: The boys walk past a sign reading \"Stu's Fireworks\" with an arrow pointing right.\nStan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we gotta buy fireworks.\nKyle: I saved up enough to buy M-80s this year.\nStan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.\nKyle: Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.\nCartman: Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants!\nStan: Jesus, Cartman!\nCartman: [Mumbles.] Well, I'm just saying na, don't mess with Kitty na.\nScene Description: Stu's Firework Shack.\nStu: Hi, fellas.\nBoys: Hi, Stu.\nStu: What can I do for you?\nKyle: We wanna buy M-80s.\nStan: The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.\nCartman: Okay, that's it!\nScene Description: Kenny laughs.\nCartman: Screw you guys! I'm going home.\nScene Description: Cartman walks off.\nKyle: What a baby.\nStan: So, we'll have ten M-80s, please.\nStu: I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?\nStan: Heard what?\nStu: All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.\nKyle: What do ya mean?\nStu: It was in the paper this morning.\nScene Description: Headline: \"North Park Kid Loses Hands in Firecracker Accident\". The picture shows the armless boy with scars on his cheeks and a dismembered hand on the floor.\nKyle: Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?\nStu: Right.\nStan: How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?\nKyle: Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.\nScene Description: Flashback. Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over.\nStan: Oh gosh, killed Kenny!\nKyle: Oo bastards!\nScene Description: Rats pile on the corpse and nibble away.\nStan: A summer without fireworks is like... I don't know, but it's like- It sucks ass.\nKyle: Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?\nScene Description: Stu pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out.\nStu: I can still sell snakes.\nScene Description: Stu lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow.\nStan/Kyle/ Kenny: Awww..!\nScene Description: Meanwhile, over at City Hall, Mayor McDaniels is on the phone with someone.\nMayor McDaniels: This is absurd! We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. [Listens.] I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've got another call. [Switch.] Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jesus, Garrison. I've got bigger problems! [Switch.] Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show at the lake? No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor! I know that, smart-ass, I was being ironic..! [Hangs up.]\nOfficer Barbrady: [Emerging from under her desk.] I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, keep looking. [Pushes him down.]\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh?\nMayor McDaniels: This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?\nOfficer Barbrady: [From under the desk.] Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow.\nMayor McDaniels: Wait a minute. That's it! I got it! This Fourth of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front pa- [Swoons.] Oooooogh...\nOfficer Barbrady: I found him.\nScene Description: Bus Stop. The boys (still wearing coats) stand still, completely oblivious.\nStan: Man, it's hot out here.\nCartman: What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer to play!\nKyle: Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.\nStan: I know! Let's go sledding!\nKyle: Yeah!\nScene Description: Top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman is left to go on.\nStan: Come on, Cartman, get on.\nCartman: Stan?\nKyle: Let's go, dude. We're ready.\nStan: What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman?\nCartman: Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?\nKyle: Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled!\nCartman: Ugh... Whatever.\nScene Description: He hops on. The sled goes down just a bit, then stops.\nStan: What the hell is going on?\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned drive by in their Hummer.\nJimbo: Hey there, boys!\nStan: Hi, Uncle Jimbo.\nJimbo: How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.\nKyle: Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands.\nJimbo: What?!\nStan: Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year.\nJimbo: Oh my God! [Revs up.] Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case. [Drives off.] Buckle your seat belt, Ned.\nNed: Mmmm-where are we going?\nJimbo: México, my amigo.\nNed: Mmmm-why are we going to México?\nJimbo: To buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now, does it?\nNed: Are fireworks legal in Mexico?\nJimbo: Hell, everything's legal in México. It's the American way.\nScene Description: Jimbo drives through mountains in the distance.\nScene Description: Back at City Hall, the Mayor is holding a meeting. A man is shown with an easel and a large notebook.\nCharlie: At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while-\nMayor McDaniels: Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!\nCharlie: Oh, o-kay. [To himself.] Let's see...\nScene Description: He turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy; Section 1: Introduction; Section 2: Safety Features; Section 3: We Value the Customer... Now to design specifications.\nCharlie: Now, the disk that we are making is approximately 5,000 times bigger than the average snake.\nMayor McDaniels: Ooooh!\nCharlie: We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.\nMayor McDaniels: [Writes notes.] Comanche helicopters...\nCharlie: [Flips page.] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.\nMayor McDaniels: ...flamethrowers, triggered at the same time...\nScene Description: Charlie flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk.\nCharlie: Once lit, the snake will grow.\nScene Description: He turns the page and vaudevillian Abe Vigoda is shown.\nCharlie: And good times will be had by all.\nScene Description: The Mayor and her aides clap.\nAide 1: Wonderful.\nAide 2: Spectacular.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play The Stars and Stripes!\nAide 1: Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!\nAide 2: Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?\nMayor McDaniels: Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!\nScene Description: On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but out of mud. A mudman.\nKyle: [Singing.] Dusty the dirtball...\nStan: Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?\nKyle: Hey, look, it's Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Hello, children. How is your summer going?\nStan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.\nKyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.\nStan: That's good.\nScene Description: Long pause.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.\nKyle: Yup.\nScene Description: Long pause.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.\nStan: Right.\nScene Description: Long pause. Mr. Garrison walks away.\nCartman: Hey, you guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. You wanna come?\nScene Description: Kenny, Stan and Kyle laugh at him.\nStan: Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the lamest thing I've heard heard.\nCartman: It is not!\nStan: Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool.\nKyle: Yeah, Cartman, you're swimming around in first-grader pee.\nCartman: [angry] I am not swimming around in pee!\nStan: Whatever, dude.\nCartman: My mom says that if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics someday.\nKyle: [Grins with Stan.] Yeah, the Fat Ass Olympics.\nCartman: I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.\nStan: But Cartman, we're trying to-\nCartman: No, screw you guys. Home. [Leaves.]\nStan: What does he mean, \"living in denial\"?\nKyle: Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumb-ass like always.\nScene Description: Stan hops up to put a carrot on the mudman as a nose.\nStan: There, how does that look?\nKyle: Like a..big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it.\nStan: Uh, crap..!\nScene Description: Community Pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard looks over the scene. Cartman, however dips his toes into the water and shudders.\nCartman: Eh-eh-eh-eh...\nScene Description: He backs away as the instructor blows her whistle.\nInstructor: Okay kids, everyone in the pool!\nScene Description: The kids jump in.\ninstructor: Come on, Eric, we're gonna start now.\nCartman: Nuh-uh.\nInstructor: Just jump in.\nCartman: I don't wanna.\nInstructor: It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it.\nScene Description: Cartman holds his breath, covers his nose and jumps in.\nCartman: Egh-\nScene Description: He comes up and treads water. Cartman splutters.\nInstructor: There you go! Now just let the first graders swim by you, and then head towards us.\nCartman: Huh? First graders?\nScene Description: The first graders swim by, but stop to look at him. Yellow pools of pee appear in front of them. They swim away.\nCartman: Awww! Weak! Weak! Oh, these sons of bitches!\nScene Description: South Park. Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the Fourth of July picnic, and a chili and doughnut stand goes up.\nMayor McDaniels: Where the hell is our firework? We only have 24 hours!\nAide 2: I'm sure it'll be here any second.\nMayor McDaniels: Shut up!\nAide 2: Copy that.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, at a stage where the children of South Park Elementary are practicing The Stars and Stripes...\nMr. Romero: Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?\nStan: He's taking swimming lessons.\nMr. Romero: Oh, dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And...\nScene Description: They start playing the scale (F# first), but everyone is playing out of key, creating a god-awful mix of noises.\nMr. Romero: Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5.\nScene Description: They try, but it is yet another god-awful mix of noises.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shits playing.\nScene Description: She see something.\nMayor McDaniels: Wait a minute... It's the snake!\nScene Description: The snake appears over the mountain transported by the three Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch.\nOfficer Barbrady: Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've seen them all.\nMayor McDaniels: Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on, we've only got one day to prepare!\nScene Description: Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They stop and walk back to it.\nJimbo: Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano espectacularrr.\nProprietor: ¿Qué?\nJimbo: Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr.\nProprietor: ¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?\nNed: Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.\nScene Description: The proprietor pulls out a large box and places it on the counter.\nJimbo: Would you look at that, Ned? That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a fiery hole right through the ozone.\nNed: Mmmm-they're spectacularrrr.\nJimbo: Ned, it's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.\nScene Description: He and Ned take a rocket each.\nJimbo: We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.\nNed: Hmmm-bueyno.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Garrison is on his chair, looking at the TV tensely. Then the telephone rings...\nMr. Garrison: Hello?\nCaller (Mr. Mackey): Hello, is Mr. Hat there?\nMr. Garrison: Is this some kind of joke?\nCaller (Mr. Mackey): [snickers] Yes.\nMr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!\nCaller (Mr. Mackey): I don't think you can, m'kay.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison hangs up.\nMr. Garrison: Goddammit..!\nScene Description: He turns on the TV to PBS, when Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop are on.\nShari Lewis: So, Lamb Chop, what would you like to do today?\nLamb Chop: Well, I'd like to sing you a song.\nShari: Hey, let's sing one to-gether!\nLamb Chop: As long as we're together, we can do anything We can take on the whole darn world We're happy as clams, with plenty of pearls Through thick and thin, we've always been to-geth-er...\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison descends into madness as the song progresses, until he imagines himself going to her studio.\nShari: Whoa-aagghh! Aagghh! Aggh!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison approaches, and with a small ax, chops off Lamb Chop from Shari's hand and tosses it onto a lit barbecue grill. Flames rise up and engulf Lamb Chop.\nShari: No! Lamb Chop, no!\nLamb Chop: Shari, help me... It burns! It burns..!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed out his anger.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, over at the Community Pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers in front of her at the deep end, and Cartman stands alone at the shallow end.\nInstructor: Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.\nCartman: Later's fine.\nInstructor: Just do your side stroke.\nCartman: I only know how to do it doggie style.\nInstructor: That's doggie-paddle, Eric. Now come over here!\nCartman: Can I do it doggie style?\nInstructor: Okay.\nScene Description: Cartman starts paddling towards her.\nInstructor: That's it! That's it, you can do it!\nCartman: Sweet..!\nScene Description: Three first graders swim by, leaving yellow trails. That stops him.\nCartman: Awww, dammit! Aw, not again!\nInstructor: Come on, Eric!\nCartman: No way! Those sons of bitches! I'm going home.\nScene Description: News 4. Our top story tonight...\nAnchor: Fourth of July is finally here, and with the state-wide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.\nCreamy Goodness: Thanks, Tom. It looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history.\nScene Description: Some of the folks have picnic blankets set out and many are mugging for the camera.\nCreamy Goodness: Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us.\nScene Description: So it is said, so it is done.\nCreamy Goodness: Alrighty then, looks like we're ready.\nScene Description: Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play.\nStan: How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?\nCartman: Fine.\nKyle: I heard you won't even get in the deep end.\nCartman: Well, you heard wrong, hippie!\nScene Description: A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about to address the crowd.\nMayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band playing The Stars and Stripes!\nMr. Romero: This is it. And a-one and a-two and a...\nScene Description: The kids begin to play, and the result is as bad as in practice. The audience members are covering their ears.\nAudience: Ooohhhh..!\nMayor McDaniels: What is fuck is that?!\nAide 2: I think it's The Stars and Stripes.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, hell. Light the snake!\nScene Description: Everyone cheers. About 57 people with flamethrowers step forward and fire up the snake.\nAudience: Ooooooh!\nScene Description: The snake begins to bulge.\nAudience: Ahhhhh!\nScene Description: The Mayor is pleased with success.\nScene Description: Mexico; night. Jimbo and Ned are almost close to the border.\nJimbo:: Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking.\nScene Description: Ned says nothing. Jimbo laughs.\nJimbo: I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?\nScene Description: Jimbo laughs some more. They arrive at the Border. Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border guard greets them.\nGuard: Good evening, gentlemen.\nJimbo: Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.\nGuard: Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions.\nJimbo: Fire away, we have nothing to hide.\nGuard: Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle?\nJimbo: No, sir.\nGuard: Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?\nJimbo: Yes. [Ned recoils.] I mean, no! No!\nScene Description: The gurad brings out his flashlight and turns it on.\nGuard: Open your trunk, please, sir.\nScene Description: He moves toward the trunk.\nJimbo: Damn! Damn! I always get that question wrong!\nScene Description: Stark's Pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman intently turns a page at his sheet music.\nMayor McDaniels: My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity.\nScene Description: The snake is still growing, and the Mayor frowns.\nMayor McDaniels: Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?\nCharlie: Die out?\nMayor McDaniels: Yes, you know, expire, end.\nScene Description: Long pause. Charlie looks up and back.\nMayor McDaniels: Hello? I'm asking you when it stops?\nCharlie: Uhhh, I'm not sure; I never made one this big.\nScene Description: The snake keeps growing.\nCharlie: I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?\nMayor McDaniels: What?!\nKyle: [Looking up.] Dude! That thing is huge!\nStan: Yeah, they need to shut it off.\nCartman: [Distracted.] Hey! You guys are screwin' up the song!\nScene Description: The crowd becomes nervous as well as awed.\nMan 1: Somebody stop it!\nMan 2: It's out of control!\nScene Description: Everyone runs away screaming as the snake starts to bend, then part of the snake falls off.\nStan/Kyle/ Cartman: Aarrgghh!!\nScene Description: All the children jump off the stage. Kenny, however...\nKyle: Kenny! Watch out!\nScene Description: The piece of the snake hits the stage.\nKenny: (Waarrggh!!)\nScene Description: Kenny jumps clear and lands under the bleachers.\nKenny: (Dude! You guys, I really, really don't have time to tell you that- Argghh..!)\nScene Description: The snake mows down the bleachers, crushing Kenny.\nStan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nMayor McDaniels: [Horrified.] Oh my God! [Grabs Charlie.] You tell me, how much longer this thing is gonna last?!\nCharlie: Let's see. A normal-size snake lasts three minutes... [Mutters indistinctly.]\nMayor McDaniels: So when does it run out?!\nCharlie: November. Of next year.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, hell..!\nScene Description: People are running and screaming away from the snake. Kyle picks up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks at him, then takes up his own violin. Cartman, Bill, Fosse, and Token join in and take up their instruments; and they all start playing \"Nearer My God To Thee\" in tune.\nScene Description: July 5th, 6 a.m., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes.\nCreamy Goodness: Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from fire-hoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop, but nothing seems to work.\nTom: Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.\nScene Description: The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path.\nStan: Man, this sucks.\nKyle: What should we do, dude? That big snake keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the whole state soon!\nStan: We should do what we always do. Ask Chef for help.\nCartman: Where is Chef?\nScene Description: Somewhere, in the Caribbean, Chef is singing to three waitresses, one of them holding a phone.\nChef: [Slowly.] Baby, you know you're the girl for me-ee And all that I want to be-ee-ee is... [Quickly.] You and me And her; simultaneous You and me, and you and you Simultaneous lovin', baby Two or three; simultaneous Ooh, that's right... [The phone rings and Chef answers it.] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children. It's a what?... A giant snake?... Killing everybody?!... Growing bigger?!... Children, you know I rarely say this but... Well, fudge ya. [He hangs up and resumes singing.] Simultaneous, you and me And you and you Simultaneous lovin', baby Two or three...\nScene Description: South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the phone.\nKyle: What'd he say?\nStan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.\nCartman: Wow.\nKyle: How is that gonna help?\nScene Description: National News, on the U.S. map behind the anchor, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest and backtracked into Canada. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into Texas and the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest and is now in Northern Mexico.\nAnchor: All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of South Park can be seen.\nScene Description: Utah, Mormons are gathered for a baptism at a river.\nPreacher: Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you.\nScene Description: The preacher dunks the catechumen into the river.\nAssistant: From this day on, all will be well.\nScene Description: The new member pops up.\nNew Mormon: I already feel like things are getting better.\nScene Description: Snake One comes and engulfs them all.\nScene Description: New York.\nMr. Garrison: And I can't sleep or think...\nScene Description: Inside a psychiatrist's office, Mr. Garrison lies on a couch.\nMr. Garrison: Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?\nDr. Katz: Well um, let me ask you this. Why? Wher-where do you think... Mr. Hat... went?\nMr. Garrison: How the fuck should I know? If I knew that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?\nDr. Katz: Well... I guess, I-I see what you're saying. Yeah.\nMr. Garrison: At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning.\nDr. Katz: Um... Ahem...\nScene Description: Long pause.\nDr. Katz: Are you gay?\nMr. Garrison: What?!\nDr. Katz: [Stammers.] It-it's j-just- It's just a question.\nMr. Garrison: Are you propositioning me?\nDr. Katz: No.\nMr. Garrison: Well, I can tell that that I am 100% not gay!\nDr. Katz: Well, I believe you, I... absolutely believe you.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, on the other hand...\nDr. Katz: Mr. Hat was gay?\nMr. Garrison: Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.\nDr. Katz: I see.\nMr. Garrison: Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.\nDr. Katz: That I did not need to know.\nMr. Garrison: Well, I'm just sayin'.\nMr. Katz: Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's-it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial, so...you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison doesn't say anything.\nDr. Katz: What do you think about that?\nMr. Garrison: I think you're the loony one in this room.\nScene Description: Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the window and burns Dr. Katz to the bone.\nMr. Garrison: Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, inside a Texas prison, Jimbo and Ned share a cell.\nJimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.\nNed: Mmmmmmm-yup.\nJimbo: Dammit! Those poor kids must have been so disappointed to have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.\nNed: Mmm-well better luck next year.\nJimbo: Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again.\nNed: [Reads cue card.] Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this vehicle?\nJimbo: No.\nNed: Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?\nJimbo: [Hesitantly.] Yes?\nScene Description: Ned shakes his head.\nJimbo: Dammit! I got it wrong again! What's the answer again?\nScene Description: Snake Three makes its way to the prison and smashes through the wall of their cell. Jimbo is startled.\nJimbo: Holy smokes! What the hell is that?\nNed: Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!\nJimbo: Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The Hummer's outside!\nScene Description: Green Bay, Wisconsin. Sports Spa. Brett Favre enters and removes his shirt, but keeps his towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the lower bench.\nBrett Favre: Hi. I hasn't seen you in here before.\nScene Description: Mr. Hat blinks and looks at him.\nScene Description: City Hall. The coverage continues.\nReporter: As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3,000...\nScene Description: A tree inexplicably falls over.\nReporter: ...people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers.\nScene Description: The hall doors open and the Mayor's aides step forward.\nReporter: ...And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now.\nAide 1: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of South Park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is... sick.\nReporter 2: \"Sick\"?! What kind of lame excuse is that?\nPrint Reporter: You gotta be kidding me!\nReporter 3: Oh, this is ridiculous!\nReporter 4: Come on, we want answers.\nAide 2: Sh-she's having her period.\nScene Description: The reporters fall silent. Reporter 3 gasps quietly.\nReporter 4: [Softly.] Oh.\nAide 1: We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out.\nScene Description: Aide 2 pulls out a statement and reads it.\nAide 2: \"We're sorry. Our bad.\"\nAide 1: Thank you, that is all.\nScene Description: They turn around and go back into City Hall. The reporters are left grousing.\nScene Description: Meanwhile at the Community Pool. Notice reads: POOL CLOSED Due to Hazardous SNAKE FIREWORK Cartman is all alone in the swimming pool.\nCartman: Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end.\nScene Description: He starts swimming to the deep end.\nCartman: Yeah... I can do it. I can do it. I can- I'm gonna make it.\nScene Description: From his view. The diving board is getting closer and closer.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, in outer space, the snakes can be seen growing longer and longer across the face of the nation.\nScene Description: Back at Stark's Pond, the disk is still producing the snake. Stan and Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a man rests on a poster with a message: \"Repent - The end is here\".\nStan: How many days left in summer?\nKyle: A lot, I think.\nStan: Dammit! I just want it to snow again!\nKyle: I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon.\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned arrive.\nJimbo: Buenos gracias, boys.\nStan: Hi, Uncle Jimbo.\nJimbo: Oh, now, why the long faces?\nKyle: We're bored.\nStan: There's nothin' to do.\nJimbo: Well, I don't think those are problems...\nScene Description: Jimbo\nJimbo: ...that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve!\nStan/Kyle: Hooray!\nJimbo: Careful with those, now, those are dangerous.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle set up the rockets and Jimbo lights them. The rockets are as big as the boys.\nJimbo: Point 'em away from your eyes, now.\nKyle: Wow! These are huge!\nJimbo: Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child.\nScene Description: The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone.\nStan: Hey, look! We blew up the snake!\nScene Description: Everyone cheers.\nCitizen: All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.\nJimbo: Well, how do you like that? Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July!\nStan/Kyle: Hooray!\nScene Description: A crowd begins to gather, meanwhile, back at the community pool, Cartman has almost reached his goal.\nCartman: I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.\nScene Description: He touches the wall at the 9½ foot mark.\nCartman: I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!\nInstructor: [Off-screen.] The snake's been destroyed. [Removes notice.] The pool's open!\nCartman: Huh?\nScene Description: All the first graders jump into the pool, the water turns yellow in a matter of seconds.\nCartman: Oh, no, you sons of bitches! Aww, sons of bitches..!\nScene Description: He makes his way out along the edge of the pool.\nScene Description: Stark's Pond.\nCitizen 2: Look! They put out the snake!\nScene Description: Everyone cheers.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes! Apparently, my plan to-o blow up the snake worked perfectly.\nScene Description: Ned, Jimbo, Stan and Kyle look at her.\nKyle: Hey, look! It's snowing!\nScene Description: The others, and the crowd, look and ponder.\nJimbo: Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell.\nScene Description: Clyde, Annie, Red, and Token, cheer, and dance around in the ash.\nScene Description: The mountains are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and Pip is singing with his family once again. (His parents are not dead.) Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift.\nStan: Winter's back!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison walks up with Mr. Twig, his new puppet which is a stick with a little purple shirt with a pink triangle on it.\nMr. Garrison: Wow, it's a black blizzard!\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, where's Mr. Hat?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore. From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig.\nMr. Twig: That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.\nStan: Well, I can hardly wait.\nScene Description: South Park, a few days later, Chef drives up and steps out of his car.\nChef: Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the..?\nScene Description: Before him, some kids play on ash-covered ground. They are pretty much in blackface. Cartman has joined Stan and Kyle in working on the ashman.\nStan: Hey, Chef!\nCartman: How's it going?\nScene Description: Chef looks left. A couple is clearing out ash from the main street.\nMan: Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?\nScene Description: Long pause.\nChef: Okay! E-verbody get in a line, so I can whoop all your asses!\nScene Description: End Credits. \"Simultaneous Lovin'\" plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Sundance Film Festival. A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford and a woman.\nRobert Redford: Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.\nPhyllis: Because. People from L.A. love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them an excuse.\nRobert Redford: No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson... I tell you, Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again.\nPhyllis: That's not a bad idea. But where?\nScene Description: South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the top. It unfurls, revealing: 1st Annual South Park Film Festival. A crowd instantly pours in and mills about.\nMan in background: Ching ching cha-ching.\nMan in foreground: Whoa.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?\nMr. Twig: That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today.\nWendy: Wow! Cool!\nKyle: They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?\nMr. Garrison: Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.\nStan: Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too.\nCartman: No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.\nWendy: No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.\nCartman: Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding!\nWendy: Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!\nCartman: I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!\nWendy: (Gasp)!\nMr. Garrison: Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!\nScene Description: Cartman looks around for a second.\nCartman: ...bitch.\nMr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you-!\nCartman: I'm going!\nScene Description: He hops off his chair and walks out, closing the door behind him.\nMr. Garrison: Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.\nScene Description: The class groans.\nMr. Garrison: The first film showing is called Witness To Denial, and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.\nStan: Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.\nScene Description: There's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking on cell phones.\nDirector 1: Norma, I want to shoot the script next month with Demi Moore instead.\nDirector 2: [In shorts!] Well you can tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass!\nMayor McDaniels: [Walking about with one of her aides.] Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. It's almost like we're a real city.\nScene Description: After school and the kids are out in the town.\nCartman: I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!\nStan: She's not my girlfriend.\nKenny: (Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time.)\nScene Description: Cartman and Kyle laugh.\nKyle: Sick, Kenny.\nStan: Damn, dude. Look at all these people.\nDirector 3: [Rushing by with a cell phone.] I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theater.\nKyle: All this for a bunch of stupid movies?\nScene Description: They come upon a stand that says CHEF'SSOUL FOOD\nChef: Hello there, children!\nThe boys: Hey, Chef.\nStan: Whatcha doin'?\nChef: Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!\nCartman: What kind of cookies?\nStan: Calm down, tubby.\nChef: They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, \"Fudge 'Ems\".\nScene Description: Chef pulls out a box with that name on them.\nCartman: I wanna Fudge 'Em.\nChef: I can just see the commercial now. \"Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems.\"\nKyle: Cool!\nChef: And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, \"Fudge This.\"\nDirector 3: [Passing by with his date.] Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares... how quaint.\nWoman: This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture.\nChef: Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, \"Go Fudge Yourself,\" or my all-natural, \"I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge.\"\nWoman: Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?\nChef: Huh?\nDirector 3: I would kill for some cous cous right now.\nChef: Whose goose?\nWoman: Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A.\nDirector 3: Cute sign, though.\nScene Description: The couple leaves, and Chef looks confused. Wendy walks up.\nWendy: Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?\nCartman: [Taunting.] Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?\nStan: Shut up, Cartman! [To Wendy.] Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway. [They walk away.]\nCartman: She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him.\nKyle: If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over.\nChef: Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! \"I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!\"\nCartman: [To Kyle.] Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.\nScene Description: At the Bijou, South Park's movie theater. Now playing: Witness To Denial. Stan sits in the front row with Wendy.\nStan: When's this thing start? I hope there are some good previews.\nWendy: Stan, film festival movies usually don't have previews before them.\nStan: They what?!\nScene Description: The projectionist starts the film. Only the right half of a woman is shown in close-up. The sound is overmodulated.\nCandice: Who are you to judge my womanly soul?\nScene Description: Her girlfriend appears far in the background.\nCandice: The Goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark. Dare you call them dark!\nScene Description: They switch places. The girlfriend's left side appears in close-up.\nCandice: Here lies the Goddess truth of my body.\nStan: [With soda and popcorn.] Oh, brother.\nCandice: The Goddess that cries, \"Freedom!\"\nScene Description: Her hands cover her mouth.\nCandice: Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly being\nScene Description: Stan puts his left hand on the arm rest. Wendy reaches for his soda and takes a sip. In a new scene, Candice is talking to her lover, who wears a Lilith Fare shirt.\nCandice: You are my blossom, my flame. When we make love, it's like the sun is right outside the door.\nCandice's Girlfriend: Then make love to me, right now\nScene Description: The two of them embrace and drop out of view.\nStan: Dude!\nWendy: Sshh!\nStan: Dude!\nScene Description: Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away.\nKyle: I can see clearly now, the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way-\nSheila: [From the master bedroom.] Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's late!\nKyle: I'm poopies, ma!\nSheila: Well, hurry up!\nKyle: Gone are the dark clouds that had me-\nMr. Hankey: [Voice only, slowly, with echo.] Ky-yle! Ky-yle!\nScene Description: Kyle looks down into the toilet.\nKyle: Could it be?\nMr. Hankey: [In his shrill voice.] Hooowwwdy ho!\nScene Description: Kyle hops off and looks into the toilet. No poo is seen.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?\nScene Description: Day two of the South Park Film Festival.\nTom: I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens from Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens, [Softly.] except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town [Normally.] and so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.\nScene Description: At the Bijou, the boys are watching \"The Body Decayeth\".\nKyle: It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!\nCartman: Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.\nKyle: Well, I'm sure it was him.\nMan: Look, look! Here comes somebody!\nScene Description: People come closer as a limousine pulls up. Someone steps out.\nA woman: Move aside, I can't see.\nTom: Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.\nScene Description: Fred Savage steps out of the limo wearing a shirt that says, 'I'm Fred Savage'.\nCrowd: [In disappointment.] AAWWWW!\nScene Description: Fred's head drops as the limo and crowd scurries away.\nTom: Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.\nKyle: So how was that movie last night, dude?\nStan: Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!\nCartman: It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?\nStan: Yeah, pretty much.\nCartman: Yeah!\nStan: The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen.\nKyle: Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass.\nScene Description: Stan and Kenny laugh.\nCartman: Ay!\nStan: Yeah, but that'd be like IMAX.\nScene Description: Kyle and Kenny laugh.\nCartman: Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.\nKenny: (Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that they could probably show six stupid films on it and still have some room, heheheheheh.)\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle laugh.\nCartman: Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.\nScene Description: Cartman looks around, but doesn't go anywhere.\nKyle: Well?\nCartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.\nRobert Redford: This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left, not the mess we turned Park City into.\nPhyllis: Forgive me for being observant, but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?\nRobert Redford: Yes. And the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town to town until we have used it up. And then move on, until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.\nPhyllis: Why? Why would we do such a thing?\nRobert Redford: Because we have to live in L.A. And if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will!\nScene Description: He laughs maniacally.\nRobert Redford: Waitwaitwait. Zoom in to a close-up of my face when I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!\nScene Description: The camera moves in as he laughs maniacally again.\nRobert Redford: That's it.\nScene Description: The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now the booth says \"Chef's Salty Balls\"\nChef: Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, \"Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls.\"\nScene Description: He brings out the cookie tray to show them. The boys say nothing.\nStan: Are they good?\nChef: Try 'em.\nStan: Hey, dude, these are good!\nCartman: Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef.\nScene Description: Kenny laughs at Cartman's unintended double entendre.\nMr. Hankey: [From under the runoff grate.] Ky-yle!\nKyle: There it is again!\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle have traded places.\nStan: There is what again?\nScene Description: Kyle looks left.\nMr. Hankey: [Moaning.] Ky-yle!\nKyle: It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey's theme song begins to play.\nStan: Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?\nKyle: Where does that grill go?\nStan: To the sewer, dude.\nKyle: Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!\nScene Description: He walks off, but stops when no one follows.\nKyle: Come on!\nScene Description: The boys have left, Chef starts to sing.\nChef: Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls put 'em in your mouth Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em...\nScene Description: The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat clamors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere.\nCartman: Aw, man, smells like ass down here.\nKyle: Of course it smells like ass, retard. It's a sewer!\nScene Description: A sound is heard and the boys quickly turn to look.\nStan: What was that?\nScene Description: The beam of his flashlight lands on a rat.\nCartman: Aw, man, let's get out of here!\nKyle: We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. Hankey.\nScene Description: They look ahead, only to see something making splashes in the water.\nThe boys: Aaaaah!\nKenny: (Wait!)\nScene Description: The figure rises and turns, only to reveal itself as a snorkeling human, Mr. Garrison, with him is Mr. Twig.\nKyle: What the hell?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison removes his mouthpiece.\nStan: Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Oh uh- hello, children.\nCartman: What are you doing down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?\nMr. Garrison: Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.\nKyle: In a sewer?\nMr. Garrison: Children, do you know how to file a police report?\nThe boys: No.\nMr. Garrison: Good. See you in school.\nScene Description: He puts his mouthpiece back on and drops into the water. The boys are stunned, but walk forward.\nCartman: This is ridiculous! What the hell are we, the Goonies?\nKyle: Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?\nCartman: Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home.\nMr. Hankey: Hooowwwdy ho!\nScene Description: The boys turn to see Mr. Hankey rowing in a paper fries tray.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey!\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, boys.\nKyle: I told you guys he'd be here!\nMr. Hankey: Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' up sho fasht.\nCartman: [Displeased.] Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.\nMr. Hankey: Have you all been brushing behind your teeth?\nThe boys: Yes.\nMr. Hankey: And usin' dental floss?\nThe boys: Yes.\nMr. Hankey: And washin' behind your ears?\nThe boys: Yes.\nCartman: No.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey coughs.\nKyle: What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you sick?\nMr. Hankey: Oh, I just got a little cold is all. All these new people in South Park are stressful on my home.\nStan: What do you mean?\nMr. Hankey: Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem.\nCartman: [Incredulous.] Oh my God.\nMr. Hankey: These new folks in town eat nothin' but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.\nKyle: And that's why you got a cold?\nMr. Hankey: That's why, Kyle. That's why.\nStan: Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?\nMr. Hankey: There's only one time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me.\nScene Description: He coughs some more.\nKyle: Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.\nScene Description: The boys move off.\nMr. Hankey: Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey rows away. Meanwhile, back at the festival... Playing at the Bijou: \"A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding.\" Score another one for Cartman. Inside, the festival host stands before the movie audience.\nHost: So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.\nKyle: [Rushing in.] Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?\nDirector 4: Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?\nScene Description: The audience buzzes and cameras flash everywhere, Kyle shields his eyes.\nKyle: Aaahh!\nDirector 4: Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.\nScene Description: The audience groans.\nKyle: Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food.\nFemale director: Excuse me, little boy, what's a \"Mr. Hankey\"?\nKyle: He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die.\nScene Description: No reaction from the audience.\nDirector 3: What a great story-it has everything!\nFemale director: This could be the next Free Willy.\nDirector 5: Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?\nKyle: Huh??\nDirector 6: Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?\nScene Description: The boys just stare.\nDirector 7: It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle.\nDirector 4: This could be a great summer movie.\nFemale director 2: [Rising in the back.] Can we put a mon-key in it?\nDirector 8: \"The Mr. Hankey Stor-\" uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?\nDirector 9: Keanu Reeves.\nDirector 10: Matt Damon!\nFred Savage: Fred Savage!\nScene Description: The other audience members laugh at the thought, and Fred is miffed.\nDirector 7: I'd pay a million for this story!\nDirector 10: I'll pay two.\nScene Description: The rest of the audience descends into conversation.\nKyle: Dude, no one even listened to me.\nStan: Well um, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.\nScene Description: One of the directors has pulled Cartman aside.\nDirector 3: Mmuh I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?\nCartman: Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.\nDirector 3: I want you to do a big-money deal with me.\nCartman: All of us?\nDirector 3: Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?\nCartman: Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.\nDirector 3: Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.\nScene Description: They walk off. Meanwhile, in front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there.\nRobert Redford: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the First Annual South Park Film Festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nSomeone in the crowd: Fantastic!\nRobert Redford: And I'm very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right here where this library used to stand.\nScene Description: A wrecking ball appears and knocks the building down with one fell swoop.\nCrowd: [Gasping.] Ooohhh!\nAide 2: Can they do that?\nMayor McDaniels: They're Hollywood! They can do anything!\nScene Description: Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the bad news. An organ is heard.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey!\nScene Description: Kyle looks all around and walks.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey?!\nScene Description: Kyle is surprised to see an organ before him, and Mr. Hankey playing vigorously.\nKyle: Mr. Hankey?\nMr. Hankey: [Turns around.] Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey starts coughing again.\nMr. Hankey: Well, how did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment?\nKyle: They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching a movie.\nMr. Hankey: [Droops.] Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin'.\nScene Description: He turns back and starts playing the organ again.\nKyle: [Determined.] We only have one option. I've gotta take you to the surface.\nMr. Hankey: Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.\nKyle: It's the only way to prove to them that you're real.\nMr. Hankey: But I won't last long up above.\nKyle: Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm not gonna let you die!\nMr. Hankey: All right, just let me get my toothbrush.\nScene Description: The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth.\nWendy: Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening!\nScene Description: They look up to see \"Tom Hanks in: Me & Mr. Hankey\".\nStan: Jeez, they made that into a movie already?\nScene Description: Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats. On the screen, Tom Hanks is in a hospital with a fever, hand to forehead.\nTom Hanks: Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I've lost the fight.\nMr. Hankey: [A talking monkey hanging from the curtain.] No, I'm not leaving without you.\nScene Description: The monkey drops down and goes to Tom Hanks' bedside.\nMr. Hankey: We started this together, we're gonna finish it together.\nScene Description: The monkey holds his hand.\nTom Hanks: I always thought death was something glorious, but now I know that it's not.\nScene Description: Stan reaches out for Wendy's hand. Wendy cries, blows her nose into a napkin, and hands it to Stan, who just looks at it.\nDirector 3: [Sitting in the back with Cartman.] It's going over really well. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.\nCartman: Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?! Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!\nTom Hanks: [Onscreen.] I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.\nCartman: [Mocking.] I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.\nScene Description: Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out, crushing Kenny.\nMan 1: Oh my God, I found a penny! [Picks it up.]\nMan 2: You bastard!\nScene Description: The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with Mr. Hankey.\nKyle: Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How are you doin'?\nMr. Hankey: [Looking more frozen than dry.] It sure is -dry up here. [Coughs]\nKyle: Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay? Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on!\nScene Description: Construction is under way at the Hollywood Planet, South Park's \"Death Star\".\nMayor McDaniels: Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could I have a word with you?\nRobert Redford: [Arms crossed.] Make it quick.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, the people of my town are a little upset. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town.\nRobert Redford: Uh-huh.\nMayor McDaniels: Right. So, we were actually wondering if we could call this whole thing off?\nRobert Redford: We have contracts. [He pulls some out.] You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town for every penny it's got. But thanks so much for the hard work.\nCartman: [With director 3.] Eh but, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the movie made a lot of money!\nMarty: Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee, and the publicity and taxes taken out, you get three dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me!\nStan: [Happening upon the scene.] Serves you right, Cartman! You're a sellout!\nCartman: I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?\nStan: If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout!\nChef: [Stopping by.] It's all gone to hell, children. And we're all to blame. Even me!\nScene Description: His booth is shown.\nChef: I was sellin' out my town, too! And now look at it.\nScene Description: The town looks just like Sundance at the beginning of the episode.\nStan: So what do we do now?\nChef: There's nothin' we can do. Just sit here and suck on my balls.\nScene Description: Kyle arrives with Mr. Hankey in a shoebox.\nKyle: You guys, we have to hurry!\nStan: Why?\nKyle: Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!\nScene Description: They walk over to Robert Redford.\nKyle: Sir! Sir!\nRobert Redford: Not now!\nKyle: I have to show you something.\nScene Description: Kyle presents the box containing Mr. Hankey to Robert Redford.\nKyle: I think it will change the way you feel about your impact here.\nA director: What's this?\nScene Description: Others have started to gather around.\nKyle: I want you guys to all meet my friend.\nScene Description: Kyle removes the lid to the box and rattles the box a bit. When nothing happens, he turns the box over and Mr. Hankey drops out, dry as a bone. The boys gasp.\nRobert Redford: That's great, kid. A dried-out lump of shit; very compelling. [To the crowd] Okay, folks, let's move! We've gotta have that sign down in time for the opening tonight!\nKyle: You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey starts coughing and is barely audible, only his right eye opens.\nMr. Hankey: Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something I must tell you. Come clo-ser.\nScene Description: Kyle draws closer.\nMr. Hankey: Clo-ser.\nScene Description: Kyle moves in further.\nKyle: Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?\nMr. Hankey: There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey dies.\nKyle: Nooohohohohohoho-\nMr. Hankey: Wake up.\nKyle: What is it, Mr. Hankey?\nMr. Hankey: Come clo-ser.\nScene Description: Kyle moves in closer.\nKyle: What is it?\nMr. Hankey: Clo-ser.\nScene Description: Kyle moves even further in.\nKyle: Yes?\nMr. Hankey: Closer!\nScene Description: Kyle is very close.\nMr. Hankey: One time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.\nScene Description: He dies.\nKyle: Nooo!\nScene Description: Flashbacks of Mr. Hankey flood Kyle's mind, including one of the monkey who played Mr. Hankey in the movie.\nVoice over: [Singing slowly, mournfully.] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loved me, I loved you. Therefore vicariously he loved you-\nKyle: Nooo!\nHazMat official: I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU.\nScene Description: The HazMat official scoops Mr. Hankey's corpse into a small white body bag.\nKyle: [Weeping.] Noo! No!\nStan: [Concerned.] Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here for you.\nWendy: [Arriving.] Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie? [Damn.]\nStan: Okay!\nScene Description: Stan releases Kyle, who falls to the ground.\nKyle: Uuf.\nScene Description: Over at the Bijou, now showing: \"BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK\" A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside, it's \"A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding\", in color. Stan reaches for Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks at him. He pulls his hand back and looks at the screen.\nCowboy: Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?\nTom: I ate all mine up, silly.\nCowboy: Well then, now what do we do?\nScene Description: Stan tries again, and again pulls back. This time, Wendy takes his left hand in her right one and smiles at him. He smiles back at her. A few blinks from her eyes and a gentle squeeze from her hand and he vomits - at a man sitting in front of her.\nMan: AAWWWW!\nWendy: Eeewww!\nMan: [Facing Stan.] Hey!\nStan: Sorry.\nCowboy: Well, why don't we just explore our sexuality?\nTom: Ooh, good idea. Let's.\nScene Description: They hug, and the cowboy drops to work on Tom's pants.\nStan: Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!\nScene Description: Wendy is alarmed, Stan jumps up and.\nStan: Blaach!\nScene Description: He vomits on the man in front of him again.\nMan: Aaww! [Turns around to face Stan.] Is there a problem, young man?\nStan: No problem, dude.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming into him.\nKyle: I'll never forget you. You were my best friend after Stan.\nChef: Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.\nKyle: Chef, does poo go to heaven?\nChef: [Chef ponders a moment.] Well, uh-I kinda hope not.\nScene Description: Kyle starts weeping.\nChef: I mean, sure it does.\nScene Description: Kyle quiets down.\nChef: Here. I'll give him one of my Salty Balls to take with him to poo heaven.\nScene Description: Chef removes the face tubes and drops a ball into Mr. Hankey's mouth, then puts the tubes back.\nChef: Come on, let's go.\nScene Description: They start to walk away.\nMr. Hankey: [Weakly.] Kyle.\nKyle: [Rushes back.] Mr. Hankey?\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho.\nKyle: He's back! He's back! [Chef returns.]\nMr. Hankey: That was delicious.\nChef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!\nKyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.\nChef: You're daaamn right.\nScene Description: Hollywood Planet is finished and awaiting its unveiling. But first, over at Cartman's booth,\nCartman: Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey & Me T-shirts! Get them while they last, folks. for only $14.95!\nWoman: I'll take two.\nMan: I'd like to pay for one.\nCartman: Selling T-shirts kicks ass!\nScene Description: Robert Redford is at the podium.\nRobert Redford: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Jimbo are dismayed, along with the rest of the town.\nRobert Redford: And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain!\nScene Description: The curtain drops to reveal Hollywood Planet in all its glory. Kliegl lights move their beams around and palm tress line the restaurant front.\nRobert Redford: I give you, \"Hollywood in South Park!\"\nScene Description: He laughs sinisterly. The crowd gasps at the size of the thing.\nKyle: Wait!\nScene Description: The crowd turns to see who it is.\nKyle: I brought him! I brought him to show you!\nScene Description: Cartman is with Stan and Kyle.\nRobert Redford: [Put off.] Oh, not this again!\nKyle: Behold! Mr. Hankey!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey jumps out of the box.\nMr. Hankey: Hoooooowwwdy-ho!\nScene Description: The crowd looks at him blankly, then turns back to face the commissioner. Hollywood folks are hard to impress.\nRobert Redford: Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place for all-\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right. There's not enough room in South Park to accommodate a festival.\nShort Man: Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman. If you could just turn yourself down. You're at about 7 right now, we need you at about, 3, okay?\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey's hands drop and he hops over to the podium. Robert steps aside.\nMr. Hankey: Uh, folks, please. Little towns like this simply aren't made for friggin' films. We love havin' visitors, but golly, too many of you is hurtin' our ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin' or what film is gonna get sold. It should be about people gettin' together, and watchin' movies, and about people who could never get their movies seen havin' a chance to have it watched, if only once. A good film festival should be something where we all say, \"Gaw, let's forget about lawyers and managers and studios and celebrities. Let's forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art.\"\nScene Description: The crowd ponders the speech. Kyle smiles, and so does Mr. Hankey.\nRobert Redford: [Grabs Mr. Hankey and pulls back.] I have had enough of you! [He tosses him away.]\nMr. Hankey: [Flying through the air.] Nyyaarrrr!\nKyle: No!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey hits a wall and slides down.\nRobert Redford: Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of film festivals.\nScene Description: Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Chef gather 'round Mr. Hankey.\nKyle: [Crying.] O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.\nChef: Well, it worked once before.\nScene Description: Chef drops six balls into Mr. Hankey's mouth.\nMr. Hankey: [Recovering.] Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick!\nScene Description: He rubs his belly and hops off. As he does, syncopated music plays, and he switches to a sorcerer's cap. He's pissed.\nStan: What the hell is he doing?\nKyle: I don't know.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice. He starts to do his magic, waving his hands as clouds gather and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town.\nCartman: Whoa!\nScene Description: Robert Redford is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now covers the street. They start to dance.\nAn Agent: Oh my God!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porta Potties nearby and builds into a giant wave.\nCrowd Members: [Fleeing.] Aaaaahh!\nScene Description: The poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out of the Hollywood Planet area. Robert Redford and Phyllis get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases it.\nMan: Oh, my God, it's crap!\nMan 2: Ohh! Noo!\nScene Description: The poo traps a car and pushes it into the air as the poo turns into a twister.\nMan 3: Whoa, it smells, it smells!\nScene Description: Robert Redford and Phyllis reach their car.\nPhyllis: [Now inside.] Come on, let's go! It's coming!\nRobert Redford: [With key in the ignition.] I'm trying, damn it!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up.\nRobert Redford: Aww. Aww. Glup.\nScene Description: The poo drowns them and pours out the car windows.\nMan: Let's get out of this town!\nScene Description: Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly. Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople.\nMr. Hankey: [Gazing at the scene.] Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.\nScene Description: He takes his cap off and lifts it high in a flourish, smiling.\nKyle: You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid of all the film people!\nTownsfolk: Hooray!\nMayor McDaniels: Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town covered in shit! This is much better!\nMr. Hankey: I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.\nScene Description: He jumps down to Kyle.\nMr. Hankey: Kisses.\nScene Description: He kisses Kyle, and Kyle hugs him. Chef hugs both Stan and Kyle.\nWendy: [Stopping by.] Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.\nStan: Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.\nWendy: Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass.\nCartman: Yes. And I've learned something, too.\nScene Description: The others turn, Stan and Wendy hold hands.\nCartman: Being a sellout is sweet. Because you make a lot of money. And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers- like you guys. Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.\nScene Description: End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls. The song of the same name plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and Dr. Doctor stand before Shelly's bed.\nDr. Doctor: It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.\nSharon: But what's wrong with her?\nDr. Doctor: It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little child, I take it?\nSharon: No, no, she's been perfectly healthy.\nDr. Doctor: Well, that's the problem. You see, chickenpox is a pretty normal thing for young children, but as you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease.\nScene Description: The door opens and Stan enters.\nSharon: [Sweetly.] Shelly, look who's come to visit you; your little brother, Stan.\nShelly: [In disgust.] Oh, whoo-peee!\nDr. Doctor: You know, most people don't realize that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.\nStan: Dude, you've got herpes on your face!\nShelly: Shut up, brat!\nSharon: [With some urgency.] Will my daughter be okay?\nDr. Doctor: She'll be fine.\nShelly: [Stan scratches her cheek.] Stop it!\nDr. Doctor: We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.\nScene Description: A crash is heard, and Sharon and Dr. Doctor look on in surprise.\nStan: Ow!\nScene Description: Shelly has knocked Stan to the floor.\nSharon: Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we have to go.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair.\nSharon: ...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die.\nSheila: My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness.\nLiane: I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.\nSharon: So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young.\nSheila: That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time.\nLiane: Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it.\nSharon: So it's not such a crazy idea after all?\nSheila: Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.\nScene Description: Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up to the table.\nKyle: Are you guys having a meeting or something?\nSheila: How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Kenny's house tonight?\nCartman: No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the ghetto.\nKyle: Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.\nSharon: Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final.\nCartman: Oh weak!\nScene Description: The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet up and walk to Kenny's house.\nKyle: I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.\nStan: Yeah, it's pretty weird.\nScene Description: The boys cross some railroad tracks.\nKyle: Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo.\nScene Description: They come upon a house with an orange cat and a small gray dog milling around. Strewn about the yard are a motor, a sofa, a refrigerator, a pack of beer bottles...\nKyle: Well, here's Kenny's house.\nCartman: In the ghetto On a cold and gray Chicago morn Another little baby child is born In the ghetto... In the ghetto\nScene Description: Stan knocks on the door and Stuart McCormick answers, beer in hand.\nStuart: Yeah?\nStan: We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.\nStuart: What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with-?\nCarol: [Intruding.] That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young.\nStuart: Oh yeah.\nStan: Catch what?\nCarol: Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner.\nScene Description: The boys follow the parents in. Shag carpeting, another sofa, an engine block doubling as a coffee table, a beer sign...\nCartman: And his momma cried 'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need Is another little hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto In the ghetto\nScene Description: Stuart sits in his armchair.\nStan: Sshh! Cartman!\nCartman: What?\nCarol: [Setting the table.] Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!\nKenny: (No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)\nCarol: I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!\nKyle: Heheheh, buns.\nKenny: [Walks up to the other boys.] (Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)\nStan: Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!\nCartman: [Scanning the room.] Where is the Nintendo?\nStuart: We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV.\nScene Description: Rats scurry near the TV.\nKyle: Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.\nCarol: [Now finished setting table.] Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.\nCartman: Oh, good. I'm starving.\nScene Description: The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder.\nCarol: Let's say grace.\nScene Description: The boys put their hands together.\nStuart: Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.\nAll: Amen.\nCartman: Pfff..!\nCarol: Okay, let's dig in.\nScene Description: She drops a waffle into the toaster.\nKevin: That one's mine, that one's mine!\nCartman: [Coolly.] What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?\nScene Description: Everyone stops and waits.\nCartman: Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?\nStuart: So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?\nKyle: I don't know.\nCarol: Stuart, don't even get started!\nScene Description: She points at him.\nStuart: [To his wife.] What? I'm just askin' a question. [To Kyle.] You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!\nCartman: Puh! I heard that.\nCarol: That ain't why, Stuart! [Sadness creeps into her voice.] It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!\nStuart: Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!\nCarol: What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!\nStuart: You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.\nKevin: [Gleefully.] My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!\nCarol: Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.\nCartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?\nStuart: Hey! We don't say \"fuck\" at the table, you little asshole!\nCartman: [Hushed.] Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at the table, either.\nKenny: (Aa-choo!)\nCarol: Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them.\nStan: Huh?\nKenny: [Turning towards Cartman.] (Waa-choo!)\nCartman: [Recoiling.] Ey!\nScene Description: Cartman closes both his eyes, but then opens the right one. Later, in Kenny's room. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no frame to rest on.\nCartman: Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?\nKyle: Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.\nScene Description: The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and Stan and Kyle have Terrance and Phillip sleeping bags, Cartman however...\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell is that?\nCartman: It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?\nKyle: No, it's not cool!\nStan: Dude, I think I just saw a rat!\nCartman: Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!\nKenny: (Uh-huh.)\nCartman: Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha.\nStan: I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.\nKenny: (Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put the freakin' ceiling in.)\nStan: Oh.\nScene Description: The boys settle into their sleeping blankets, and Kenny claps twice, making the lights go out.\nKenny: (Aa-choo!)\nScene Description: The next day. The boys have gone back home. First up: Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer in his mouth and his skin is starting to break out.\nSharon: Okay, lemme see.\nScene Description: She withdraws the thermometer, and reads it.\nSharon: Oh, goody! You've got a fever!\nStan: [Mad.] Goody? What do you mean, \"goody\"?!\nSharon: Yyup, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright.\nStan: Chickenpo-? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny last night.\nSharon: Oh, gee, I guess you did.\nStan: Well, you sure seem happy about it!\nSharon: All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa scratching at his skin.\nLiane: Don't scratch it, hon.\nCartman: [Whining.] But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand it!\nLiane: No, hon.\nCartman: [Whining.] Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches!\nLiane: Here, I got you some calamine lotion.\nScene Description: She hands the bottle to him.\nCartman: I don't wanna.\nLiane: It'll make your itches go away.\nScene Description: She opens the bottle and rubs some lotion on his face.\nCartman: Ugh. Uunnh.\nScene Description: She stops.\nCartman: Ey, give me that!\nScene Description: He takes the bottle and rubs some more lotion on his face.\nCartman: Ahhhh...\nLiane: Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.\nCartman: More calamine lotion!\nScene Description: Kyle's house. His parents look him over.\nSheila: I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.\nKyle: Yeah. I feel great!\nSheila: Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?\nKyle: Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for breakfast.\nSheila: Did you sleep in the same room?\nKyle: Yes. Why?\nSheila: Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again?\nKyle: No way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have cable!\nSheila: Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends.\nKyle: Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him.\nSheila: I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.\nKyle: Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young?\nGerald: Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.\nKyle: Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of food?\nGerald: Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do.\nKyle: But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just always give them half of our food?\nGerald: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.\nScene Description: Gerald sits and motions for Kyle to sit on his lap.\nGerald: You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a society to thrive, we need gods, and clods.\nKyle: Gods and clods?\nGerald: Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down.\nKyle: Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!\nGerald: That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way they are, and we're all a functioning part of America.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless.\nSharon: [Enters.] Stanley, can I get you anything else?\nScene Description: She draws closer and feels his forehead.\nSharon: Stanley? Oh my God! Randy?! Randy, hurry, he's burning up!\nScene Description: Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelly. Their parents are also present.\nSharon: Don't you worry, Stanley, you're going to be okay.\nDr. Doctor: [Entering.] Can I talk to you outside?\nSharon: Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?\nStan: Okay.\nShelly: [Now that they're alone.] Serves you right, you little brat!\nStan: Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!\nShelly: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!\nTV Voice: [\"Passion Cramps\"] Will Carol find out she's a fa...\nStan: I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!\nShelly: [Threatening] We're watching this!\nStan: Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. [Click.]\nPhillip: Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?\nScene Description: Phillip raises his leg high.\nTerrance: Sure thing, Phillip.\nScene Description: Terrance sticks his head in there, and Phillip farts on him.\nTerrance: Ah ha ha ha, you got me again!\nScene Description: Stan laughs.\nPhillip: That's tomfoolery.\nScene Description: Stan laughs, as do Terrance and Phillip.\nShelly: Give me the remote!\nStan: No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day-\nScene Description: She reaches over to his bed, presses a switch, and his bed folds in on him.\nStan: Ey! Get me out of here!\nScene Description: Shelly takes the remote and switches channels.\nTV Voice: [\"Passion Cramps\"] She was...\nScene Description: Meanwhile, outside the room.\nDr. Doctor: He'll be okay, but it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while.\nSharon: [Anxious.] Oh God, what have we done?\nDr. Doctor: There there now, it's not your fault.\nRandy: Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early.\nDr. Doctor: Oh, wow, you did? Wow. You guys suck.\nScene Description: Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter.\nKyle: Could we go home now, Ma?\nSheila: No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more.\nKyle: But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do.\nSheila: I've got a great game for you. It's called \"ookie mouth\".\nKyle: What's \"ookie mouth\"?\nSheila: First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say \"ookie mouth\" at the same time.\nKyle: Sick, dude!\nSheila: No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it.\nScene Description: Kenny and Kyle look at each other and walk away.\nSheila: That ought to take care of it.\nCarol: You want some more hot water?\nSheila: Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's- You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do you?\nCarol: Naw, we don't go for that hoity-toity rich folk stuff.\nSheila: I see. Well, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs. McCormick.\nCarol: Yehah, well, unfortunately my husband is a washed-up hunk of shit!\nSheila: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.\nKyle: Ookie mouth! [Kenny spits in.] Gross! I can't do it, Ma!\nSheila: Try again, bubbe!\nScene Description: Kenny spits in Kyle's mouth again.\nKyle: Argh!\nSheila: You know, your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers.\nCarol: Oh they wuz best friends; you couldn't separate 'em.\nSheila: Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them?\nCarol: Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself.\nSheila: Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine man.\nCarol: Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd.\nSheila: But if they were such good friends it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!\nCarol: Uh-I don't know.\nSheila: We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something.\nScene Description: Kyle returns with Kenny.\nKyle: I can't say \"ookie mouth\" and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible.\nScene Description: Kyle's face and hat are covered in spit.\nSheila: Practice makes perfect, bubbe.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman's on the sofa watching TV, scratching his face.\nCartman: Dammit, where's that calamine lotion?!\nTerrance: [With clipboard.] Phillip, I've got good news, and bad news.\nPhillip: Give it to me straight, Terrance.\nTerrance: The good news is, you have a clean bill of health.\nPhillip: Oh, what a relief!\nTerrance: The bad news is, you have cancer.\nScene Description: Cartman is shocked.\nPhillip: Cancer?\nTerrance: Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.\nPhillip: My ass is collapsing?\nTerrance: Yes. See this X-ray? [Turns it on.] That's your ass. See this line? [Points to it.] That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing.\nPhillip: Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?\nTerrance: No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore.\nScene Description: They both laugh.\nCartman: [Somber.] Oh, no. [The itching returns.] Damnit!\nScene Description: Mr. Kitty strolls by.\nCartman: No, Kitty! That's a- Wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!\nScene Description: Kitty jumps up and Cartman uses him as a scrubber.\nCartman: Uh. Yes. Uh...\nLiane: [Closing a door.] I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion.\nCartman: [Releases Mr. Kitty.] It's about friggin' time! Give me that!\nScene Description: He grabs the bag and hurries up the stairs.\nLiane: Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon. It has to last a while.\nScene Description: Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub.\nCartman: Uugh! Yeessss. [His voice trails off.] Ooohhh yyou guys, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Ahhhh...\nScene Description: He sinks into the water blissfully as bubbles pop around him. Meanwhile, Gerald and Stuart are driving to the river for a fishing trip.\nStuart: I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.\nGerald: Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-. A rod and a reel and an uh, uuh...\nStuart: Tackle box?\nGerald: Yeah, tackle box. [Stretches.] Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning; aren't weekends just the best?\nStuart: When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.\nGerald: Right. Right-right.\nScene Description: Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell rings.\nMr. Garrison: And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?\nScene Description: Kyle raises his hand.\nMr. Garrison: Yes, Kyle?\nKyle: What the hell does that have to do with American history?\nMr. Garrison: Uh, that's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.\nMr. Garrison: Right, right. Uhh... Well, class, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, \"How I would make America better.\"\nKyle: What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?\nMr. Garrison: Uh, don't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital.\nStan: Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!\nSharon: Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick.\nStan: That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?\nSharon: Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that he did this for your own good.\nStan: Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.\nRandy: Yeah, it's-it's true, he is.\nSharon: Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper.\nStan: Wait! Where are you going?\nRandy: We're going down to-uhh Happy Burger for some milkshakes.\nStan: Milkshakes?!\nSharon: Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.\nRandy: See ya, son. [They leave.]\nStan: Weak!\nScene Description: Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper.\nKyle: \"So this is how America works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive, but I have a better idea.\"\nScene Description: Kyle puts down the pen and paper and walks over to the kitchen.\nSheila: No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.\nScene Description: Sheila is on the phone, Kyle is over by the microwave.\nSheila: He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the chickenpox.\nKyle: [Softly.] What?\nSheila: I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.\nKyle: [Frightened.] Oh my God!\nSheila: [Turns.] Kyle, what are you doing there, honey?\nKyle: [Angry.] You!\nSheila: [Subdued.] I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.\nScene Description: She hangs up.\nKyle: You!\nSheila: [Walks over.] What, bubbeleh, what is it?\nKyle: You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick!\nSheila: Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.\nKyle: Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die, like Stan?!\nSheila: Now, Kyle, come here.\nKyle: You get away from me, you crazy woman!\nScene Description: He runs off.\nSheila: Hoh boy.\nScene Description: Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing.\nStuart: Beer?\nGerald: Huh? Oh, uh, no thanks, I brought my own. Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has six different beers from local breweries.\nScene Description: Stuart is expressionless.\nGerald: Sahay, remember that time we built the fort in your mom's back yard?\nStuart: Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn near two years to finish it.\nGerald: Hahah. Whatever happened to that old hunk o' junk? Haha-\nStuart: [Soberly.] That's where I live now.\nGerald: Oh, right.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is working on his paper.\nStan: And so that's why Knight Rider was the best show in America.\nKyle: [Rushing in.] Stan! Stan!\nStan: [Pointing to Shelly.] Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.\nKyle: [Softly.] Sorry, sorry. You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house and-and you and Cartman got sick with chickenpox?\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Dude! Our parents sent us over there to get us sick!\nStan: What are you talking about?\nKyle: They knew that staying at Kenny's house would get us sick, and they made us do it anyway.\nStan: They did?\nKyle: Yeah. And I think I figured out why.\nStan: Why?\nKyle: Because they're a bunch of assholes.\nStan: [Long gasp.] Of course!\nKyle: Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of here. I don't know what they're planning next, but it can't be good!\nScene Description: They rush out of the room, meanwhile, back at Cartman's house. Cartman is back in the tub, now working on his paper. Calamine lotion bottles line the tub and litter the floor outside.\nCartman: \"I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the Ewoks live. Endor is very cool.\"\nScene Description: The doorbell rings.\nCartman: Mom, answer that! \"They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like Endor more than America. It's cool.\"\nScene Description: Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom.\nKyle: Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?\nCartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.\nStan: Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chickenpox from Kenny!\nKyle: Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.\nCartman: She what?!\nStan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.\nCartman: That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!\nKyle: No-no-no-no. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all back.\nScene Description: Down by the riverside...\nGerald: Well, I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something'll come along.\nStuart: Not that easy. You were lucky.\nGerald: Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.\nStuart: You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.\nGerald: Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today! [Rising.] I wanted to be somebody!\nStuart: [Rising.] I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!\nGerald: You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just like your father!\nScene Description: Stuart punches him down.\nGerald: Ow!! [Gets up.]\nStuart: Now don't make me do that again!\nScene Description: Stuard hits him again.\nGerald: Ow! You son of a bitch!\nScene Description: Gerald chokes Stuart. They start tugging at each other.\nStuart: Uh!\nGerald: Ow!\nStuart: Oh!\nGerald: Ow!\nScene Description: Gerald ends up on the ground again.\nStuart: Eeaagghh!\nScene Description: Stuart jumps and does an elbow drop on Gerald.\nGerald: [In pain.] Huuuh!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting.\nRandy: Doctor?\nDr. Doctor: Yes?\nRandy: Wh-where's Stan?\nDr. Doctor: Stan?\nRandy: Stan, our son?\nDr. Doctor: Oh, yes. Where is Stan?\nSharon: You mean Stanley's missing?\nDr. Doctor: No, no. He's not missing. We just... can't seem to find him at this moment.\nSharon: [To Randy.] Oh my God! Our son ran away!\nRandy: Will he be okay out of the hospital?\nDr. Doctor: Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.\nSharon: Die?\nDr. Doctor: Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.\nRandy: Okay, well well, let's go look-\nDr. Doctor: As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.\nSharon: Oh God, no!\nRandy: I'm-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.\nDr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of-\nScene Description: Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters. His entire outfit is torn, he has a black eye and his fishing line is all mangled.\nSheila: So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?\nGerald: That son of a bitch ripped my parka!\nSheila: Catch anything?\nGerald: I just don't get it.\nScene Description: He drops the pole.\nGerald: Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?\nSheila: Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.\nGerald: What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?\nSheila: I thought it would be good for you.\nGerald: Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's; and that didn't work either!\nSheila: [Exasperated, she leaves.] I'm doing the best I can!\nScene Description: Gerald picks up Kyle's paper on the sofa and looks over it.\nScene Description: \"My Final Solution by Kyle Broflovski.\" \"My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps.\"\nGerald: What?!\nScene Description: \"If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause they'll all be dead. The end.\"\nGerald: Oh, God, what have I done?\nScene Description: Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip. Terrance and Phillip are both on operating tables with only their heads and asses exposed.\nPhillip: What's happening here, Terrance?\nTerrance: We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.\nPhillip: Who's the donor?\nTerrance: I am, Phillip. I am.\nPhillip: Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me?\nTerrance: Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass.\nScene Description: Someone is knocking on Chef's door.\nChef: Oh, damn it, not now!\nScene Description: Chef goes to answer the door. Stan, Kyle and Cartman wait.\nChef: Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!\nKyle: Chef, we wanna know about herpes.\nChef: What makes you think I would know anything about that?\nKyle: Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we trust.\nStan: How does someone get herpes?\nChef: Well you get it by sharin' relations with somebody who already has it. You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes.\nKyle: Do you know anybody with herpes?\nChef: Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her.\nStan: But what if we want to give somebody herpes?\nChef: Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to.\nKyle: Cool! Thanks, Chef!\nChef: O-kay!\nScene Description: He closes the door and goes back to his armchair. The boys leave.\nChef: Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?\nScene Description: Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.\nSharon: Stanley?\nRandy: Stan?\nSharon: [Softly.] Oh, Stanley, where are you..?\nRandy: Stan?\nSharon: Stanley!\nScene Description: The car makes a right two blocks down, and the kids appear a block closer. They walk up the block and see an old redhead smoking a cigarette.\nKyle: Are you old Frida?\nFrida: [Raspily.] Who wants to know?\nKyle: Someone who wants a favor.\nFrida: Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b- [Snorts.]\nKyle: [To Stan, throws his hands up.] Huh?\nCartman: We want you to give our parents herpes.\nFrida: [Puffs out.] Five dollars.\nStan: My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser. [Coughs.]\nKyle: Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back to the hospital.\nStan: And have Shelly kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have to get my parents back just as much as you do.\nScene Description: The Monkee's \"I'm a Believer\" plays. The boys hire Frida, and take her to each of their houses. First stop, Stan's house. She goes into the bathroom and uses Randy's and Sharon's toothbrushes. Stan and Kyle smile, then Stan gives a thumbs up in approval. In the kitchen, Frida chugs away at a jar of milk, then sends the milk right back into the jar. Next stop, Kyle's house. She goes into the master bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks. Then she goes to the kitchen and soils the silverware by putting each and every utensil under her armpits. Stan and Kyle jump for joy and high-five each other. Last stop, Cartman's house. She goes into Liane's room and pulls out some panties, then rubs them all over her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They all return to Stan's house, and she licks away at some wine glasses and the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five each other again. Finally, they pay her and she leaves.\nStan: Thanks a lot, Frida!\nFrida: [Hacks.] Don't mention it.\nScene Description: She hacks again, pockets the money, and walks away.\nKyle: D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes!\nBoys: Hooray!\nScene Description: Stan coughs and the adults burst into the room. Fear strikes the boys.\nRandy: Stanley, where the hell have you been?\nSharon: Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot!\nStan: [Hiding behind Kyle.] I don't wanna go back there.\nRandy: [Coming for him.] Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital.\nScene Description: Randy drags him off.\nStan: Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?\nRandy: What?\nStan: You know, freshen up your breath.\nKyle: Aw, man. [Tottering, eyes half shut.] I don't feel so good.\nSheila: [Pleased.] Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken-\nKyle: Ugh...\nScene Description: Kyle falls back, passing out.\nSheila: Kyle!!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery.\nDr. Doctor: Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chickenpox almost killed you all.\nKyle: We're sorry.\nDr. Doctor: Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in.\nKyle: This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman.\nCartman: Hell no, you guys get your own!\nScene Description: The parents enter, they all have herpes sores on their faces, well except Liane for some reason...\nSharon: Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?\nStan: Pretty good.\nSharon: [Cheerfully.] The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.\nRandy: Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?\nStan: Wow, coo-hul!\nSheila: And how are you, Kyle?\nGerald: Are you doing okay?\nKyle: I'm better now.\nScene Description: He and Stan start laughing.\nSharon: What's so funny, you two?\nKyle: We gave you guys herpes.\nSheila: What-what-whaaat?! You did this?!\nStan: We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.\nRandy: I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!\nSharon: [To Randy.] Well, I guess it serves us right. [To the boys.] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chickenpox.\nSheila: It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it.\nScene Description: Liane walks over to Cartman.\nCartman: Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?\nLiane: Ooh, I have them somewhere else, poopiekins.\nCartman: Hooray!\nGerald: And, uh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.\nStuart: Aww hell, I'm sorry, too.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip is on. The anal transplant surgery was a success.\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better.\nScene Description: He farts high and laughs.\nCartman: Well, I know one thing for sure.\nLiane: What's that, Eric?\nCartman: We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.\nScene Description: All the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing.\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nScene Description: Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chickenpox. \"I'm A Believer\" plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A television is on, near the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones.\nPolice commissioner: Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again.\nBarnaby Jones: [Now quite old.] All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much.\nScene Description: The end credits roll and the TV is turned off. The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's class.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, \"This is not a victimless crime\"? Anybody? [The kids just stare at him.] Children, were you paying attention?!\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?\nStan: Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, and what do you consider normal?!\nStan: I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff.\nThe Class: Yeah!\nMr. Garrison: Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!\nThe Class: Hooray!\nKyle: To where?\nMr. Garrison: To the planetarium.\nThe Class: AAWWWW!\nCartman: Planetariums suck!\nMr. Garrison: Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?\nStan: It's boring.\nKyle: Yeah, all the constellations look alike.\nMr. Garrison: Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! In the meantime, we're going to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under Siege.\nThe Class: [Softly.] Aawwww.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so there's more commercials.\nScene Description: A Cheesy Poofs commercial begins to play. A blonde wearing a Cheesy Poofs shirt is shown hiding something off camera.\nAnnouncer: Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?\nScene Description: She pulls out the box.\nThe Class: Yes.\nAnnouncer: Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.\nCartman: I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!\nAnnouncer: If you win, you could be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. So remember, I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.\nScene Description: Cartman is singing along by the end of the first line.\nScene Description: The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of noise and running around. Mr. Garrison stands at the front of the bus.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road.\nMs. Crabtree: THAT AIN'T HOW YOU DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison jumps back and the kids hurry to their seats.\nMr. Garrison: [Rubbing the back of his head.] Ow! Jesus, lady!\nScene Description: Tantalus V. Observatory. Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends kids flying out of their seats.\nMs. Crabtree: THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!\nKid: [Voice quivering.] Ow.\nScene Description: The kids have all exited the bus.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.\nAnnouncer: [Over a loudspeaker nearby.] Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?\nScene Description: The Cheesy Poofs talent van is in the observatory parking lot. It is a shaped like a rocket on wheels. A sound system with towering speakers is set up next to it.\nCartman: Hey, there it is!\nAnnouncer: We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.\nCartman: I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behind my back!\nKyle: You couldn't get both arms behind your back, fatass!\nMr. Garrison: Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.\nCartman: But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!\nMr. Garrison: No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on!\nScene Description: The rest of the class moves away.\nCartman: [Whining.] But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!\nScene Description: The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are awed by it all.\nA Boy: Wow, don't you...?\nA Girl: What is that?\nDr. Adams: Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane'arium.\nKyle: I thought it was planetarium.\nDr. Adams: Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the \"t\" in \"plane'arium\".\nMr. Garrison: That's a pretty weird bone disease.\nDr. Adams: Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant.\nScene Description: Cartman has his hand up.\nDr. Adams: Yes, little boy?\nCartman: How long is that Cheesy Poofs van gonna be outside?\nDr. Adams: Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane'arium works.\nCartman: As if we care.\nScene Description: Kyle notices a young brunette with a clipboard walking in.\nKyle: Hey, who are you?\nDr. Adams: Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us.\nMissy: I love my work.\nStan: Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?\nMissy: I love my work.\nScene Description: Her eyes are glazed over. Stan and Kyle notice this and look at each other.\nDr. Adams: Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, shall we?\nScene Description: In the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.\nDr. Adams: Good morning, children, and welcome to the plane'arium. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe, so I want you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable.\nScene Description: All the seats lean back on their own, so they have no choice.\nStan: This is stupid.\nDr. Adams: And now I'm going to dim the lights and let the stars... eh-come out.\nScene Description: The dome darkens and some faint stars appear.\nKyle: [Not amused.] Whoopie.\nDr. Adams: Here we see the constellation called, \"The Big Dipper\". If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...[Very softly.] a-hah [The drawing appears, connecting the stars.] ...we see where this constellation gets its name. These stars over here form the constellation of Taurus, the Bull...\nScene Description: The drawing of a bull appears.\nDr. Adams: ...while these stars form the constellation, \"Roger Ebert\".\nScene Description: An outline of Roger Ebert's face appears with a thumbs down.\nDr. Adams: And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades.\nScene Description: From the two stars comes an elaborate drawing of crusaders storming the city of Jerusalem. Stan looks over at the kid on the floor and notices the same glazed-eye look Missy has.\nDr. Adams: Now, stars are actually made of hot gas, which is exactly what comes out of...\nCartman: Aw man, screw this.\nScene Description: Cartman gets up and leaves the room. Dr. Adams turns an \"Intensity\" dial to 9.\nDr. Adams: And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly start to move in little circles.\nScene Description: The kids are getting mesmerized by them.\nDr. Adams: I know you think plane'ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently singing for the talent van.\nBoy: ...you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.\nAnnouncer: That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.\nCartman: Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass!\nAnnouncer: Oh, and what's your name, little boy?\nCartman: Eric Cartman.\nAnnouncer: Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot.\nScene Description: The cameraman starts filming, Cartman shoves Tommy aside, who falls down.\nTommy: Aaah!\nCartman: [Clears his throat and affects a tenor] I love Cheesy Poofs you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs we'd be lame. I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!\nAnnouncer: [Slapping his palm to his head] Wow!\nCartman: Thaat's right, suck on that.\nScene Description: The planetarium doors open and the class exits.\nMr. Garrison: Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?\nKyle: Oh, man, I don't feel so good.\nStan: Me neither, but... I loved the planetarium.\nKyle: Me too. It was sweet.\nMr. Garrison: Really? What did you like best about it?\nStan: I don't know. I don't even remember what happened.\nMr. Garrison: [Tallying.] Wait a minute. Where is Eric?\nCartman: [Happily popping by.] I did it! I did it!\nKyle: Did what?\nCartman: I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs song!\nMr. Garrison: You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!\nCartman: Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!\nDr. Adams: [Now at the door.] Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows at night here at the plane-'arium. This week it's Laser Kenny Loggins and Laser James Taylor.\nScene Description: The class is on the bus going back to school.\nKyle: My head still feels funny.\nStan: Yeah, mine too.\nCartman: Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.\nKyle: Like you really need it, hippo-ass!\nCartman: [With some pity.] It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. It really is.\nScene Description: A boy pops out from the seat behind Cartman in front of Stan and Kyle.\nBoy: Waaaah!\nStan, Kyle: AAAAAH!\nKyle: Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!\nBoy: [Haltingly.] My... name... is... vvan... G-gelder.\nStan: Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go back!\nVan Gelder: [In a state of panic.] Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!\nCartman: Hey, be careful, asshole!\nVan Gelder: Eegh! Don't take me back there!\nScene Description: He drops down, then comes back up.\nVan Gelder: I can't... can't...\nStan: Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!\nVan Gelder: Aaaagghh.\nScene Description: Van Gelder passes out and falls to the floor.\nMr. Garrison: [Quickly at his side.] We've better get him to the nurse's office, stat!\nScene Description: The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present.\nVan Gelder: [Very agitated.] Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!\nNurse Gollum: I'll give him a pain killer. That should calm him down.\nVan Gelder: Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!\nMr. Mackey: Okay uh van Gelder-\nVan Gelder: Nnnaaaah!\nMr. Mackey: -okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's bad, mkay?\nVan Gelder: Eh must... tell... the machine. The machine is... e-e-e-ghe gheh-\nScene Description: Van Gelder collapses.\nMr. Mackey: Well, I've never seen anything like this. What do you think, principal?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, whatever happened to him happened at the planetarium.\nVan Gelder: Haah! Planetarium!\nPrincipal Victoria: I think tonight the planetarium is doing Laser Loggins. I might have to check it out.\nVan Gelder: Nnaaah!\nScene Description: Later that night, at the planetarium, Laser Loggins is underway. \"Footloose\" plays and Laser displays of feet dance around the ceiling.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, man, this is boring!\nMan: Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?\nScene Description: The camera pans to two teen boys, who look like stoners, sitting in the next section by themselves.\nTeen 1: Dude, this is totally killer.\nTeen 2: I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man.\nScene Description: In the booth, Dr. Adams goes to his controls and turns the intensity dial to 8.5, \"Footloose\" fades, and the lasers close into a narrow beam.\nDr. Adams: You will not remember what happened here. To remember it will cause incredible pain.\nScene Description: He turns the dial to 9.\nDr. Adams: Incredible pain!\nScene Description: He turns the dial even further.\nDr. Adams: Incredible icky paaiin!\nTeen 1: Dude, I'm totally tripping.\nTeen 2: This is totally killer.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell rings.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, today we're going to learn all about Japanese poems called haiku. A haiku is just like a normal American poem, except that it doesn't rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?\nStan: That's a haiku?\nMr. Garrison: No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school.\nStan: Oh.\nMr. Garrison: Was he on the school bus this morning?\nStan: No.\nKyle: [counting off the syllables] Fatass Cartman was not on the school bus today. What a big, fat turd.\nMr. Garrison: Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five. Kenny, can you give us another example?\nKenny: (When you rub your dick, you might find a discharge that winds up on the floor.)\nScene Description: The class roars with laughter.\nStan: Yeah. What's a discharge?\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much ass, could we go to the planetarium again?\nStan: Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium again, too.\nMr. Garrison: But you were just there! Why do you wanna go again so soon?\nStan: [Stumped, then to Kyle.] Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?\nKyle: I dunno. I just have this sudden urge to go back.\nMr. Garrison: Well, I guess we could go again, since it's just down the street.\nScene Description: Cartman enters the classroom, a rolled up paper in his hand, full of himself.\nCartman: Well, hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, where have you been?\nCartman: Let's see, where have I been, where have I been?\nStan: Where have you been, Cartman?\nCartman: Wweell, I might have been over at the Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional championship!\nScene Description: He unfurls the paper.\nThe Class: Whoa!\nScene Description: The paper reads, \"Cheesy Poof Anthem Regional Champion\"\nCartman: This is my regional championship certificate! Do you like it? [Now taunting.] Hey, where is your regional championship 'tificate, Clyde? Oh, you don't have one?\nScene Description: Clyde looks crestfallen.\nCartman: Hmmm. Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy? Nno?\nScene Description: Wendy scrunches her face.\nCartman: Apparently, only I do.\nKyle: Ass full of pork fat jiggles like a Jello mold. Mouth is flapping, too.\nCartman: Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.\nStan: Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poofs commercial?\nCartman: It's between me and four other kids. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.\nKyle: I bet you don't win. They don't let big fat asses perform on TV.\nMr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle.\nCartman: Shut your God-damned mouth or else I'm... gonna... kick you square in the balls... ass-hole Aw, damn it!\nScene Description: Over in Nurse Gollum's office, Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by.\nMr. Mackey: Um. How's he doing, nurse?\nNurse Gollum: He's stable, but I still can't get any information out of him. I'm gonna sedate him now.\nVan Gelder: Nno! No drugs.\nMr. Mackey: Drugs are good, mkay?\nVan Gelder: Nno! Don't let them g-go... planetarium!\nNurse Gollum: But why, van Gelder?\nVan Gelder: The machine. The machine is aaaah.\nScene Description: He stiffens, then collapses.\nMr. Mackey: The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably bad.\nNurse Gollum: He's been talking about \"the machine\" for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.\nVan Gelder: Wha- why in America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?\nMr. Mackey: Uh, there's only one way to get any sense out of him. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mkay?\nNurse Gollum: A what?\nMr. Mackey: Well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.\nNurse Gollum: Well, what will you need?\nMr. Mackey: Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time. [Oh, the tension!] Mkay?\nScene Description: Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back.\nDr. Adams: Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.\nMr. Garrison: They just begged to come back; I couldn't get them to shut up about it.\nDr. Adams: Well, I'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?\nThe Class: Yes.\nScene Description: The two stoner teens appear, now dressed as employees and with their eyes glazed over.\nTeen 1: This way, please.\nTeen 2: Enjoy your visit.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other. Moments later, the class is in the theater, looking at the laser show.\nDr. Adams: Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, the dog star.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison gets up and walks by Dr. Adams in the control booth.\nMr. Garrison: I'm just gonna step outside and go weewee.\nDr. Adams: Certainly, Mr. Garrison.\nScene Description: Dr. Adams watches him leave, then quickly turns intensity dial up to 9. The stars brighten and dance rapidly.\nDr. Adams: You love the planetarium! To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain! All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stab-\nScene Description: He quickly turns down the intensity upon seeing Mr. Garrison enter the theater. He gestures at his next item.\nDr. Adams: ...and right over here we see the constellation Orion.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison gives him a thumbs up and Dr. Adams waves at him weakly.\nDr. Adams: Orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which is actually a pulsar...\nStan: Dude, what just happened?\nKyle: What do you mean?\nStan: Come on, we've gotta get out of here before something bad happens.\nScene Description: Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office. Cartman is picking at his nose.\nLiane: Don't pick your nose, hon.\nCartman: I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for cryin' out loud!\nLiane: Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.\nCartman: I don't know. There's a lot of competition here.\nCosette: Do you think I might win, Mommy?\nCosette's mother: I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.\nScene Description: Cartman thinks for a second then gets up on the sofa and points out the window.\nCartman: Hey, look! They're giving away bread outside!\nCosette: [Gasps.] Did you hear that, Mommy?\nCosette's mother: Come on! Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!\nScene Description: They rush outside. Cartman follows them to the door and closes it behind them.\nCartman: Sike!\nScene Description: Back at the planetarium, Stan and Kyle are standing outside, the doors open and the rest of the class straggles out.\nMr. Garrison: [Noticing them.] What the hell are you boys doing? You're supposed to be in there.\nStan: Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is-\nKyle: Sshh!\nScene Description: Dr. Adams appears at the door.\nDr. Adams: Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.\nClyde: [Insistently.] I wanna go again. I wanna go again!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just went!\nDr. Adams: Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.\nClyde: Yes. Yes, please!\nButters Stotch: Me too!\nAnnie Knitts: Me too! I wanna do it! I'd love to work here.\nA girl: I'd like to tape the show!\nWendy: Yeah, me too! Me too!\nFosse: Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's gahahay!\nScene Description: The rest of the class chimes in.\nDr. Adams: Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Well, I guess I could give them extra credit for it.\nDr. Adams: Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.\nThe Class: Hooray!\nScene Description: All the kids but Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow Dr. Adams.\nStan: Dude, this isn't right.\nKyle: Why?\nStan: We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer for anything.\nKyle: Oh, yeah.\nStan: Come on, we've gotta see what's going on in there.\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go back inside and enter the control booth.\nKyle: Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.\nStan: Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.\nScene Description: Kenny leaves the booth and goes and sits in a seat.\nKenny: (Okay. Got to have some huggin'.)\nStan: He hits this switch-\nScene Description: Stan moves the intensity dial to 1 and the power comes on. The lights go down.\nKenny: (I don't see anything.)\nKyle: You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.\nStan: Yeah, I guess so.\nScene Description: Stan moves the intensity to 4. The stars start to revolve.\nKenny: (Whoa, dude.)\nKyle: What does that do?\nStan: I don't know.\nScene Description: Stan moves intensity to 7.5, Kenny shakes audibly.\nKyle: Kenny! What's it doing?\nScene Description: Kenny can't answer. He just shakes more and more violently.\nStan: This says \"maximum.\"\nScene Description: Stan moves Intensity to 10. Kenny shakes more violently, and finally explodes. Stan and Kyle look.\nStan: Oh my God, we've killed Kenny!\nKyle: We're bastards!\nScene Description: Stan turns off the power and races with Kyle to Kenny's remains.\nStan: Dude, I told you something was up with this place!\nScene Description: Rats start to work on the corpse.\nKyle: We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!\nScene Description: Back at the casting office, the finalists are showing their best.\nTommy Fritz: (clap clap clap) -G-O (clap clap -) -G-O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap clap clap-clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap) ING (clap) ING (clap) and Bingo was his name-o\nScene Description: He finishes with a flourish and a bow.\nCenter judge: [Applauds.] Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.\nScene Description: Peter leaves the room.\nCenter judge: Next will be uuh, Eric Theodore Cartman.\nScene Description: Liane enters with Cartman and a boom box.\nLiane: Hello, everybody. [To Cartman.] Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.\nCartman: I know, I know!\nScene Description: Liane goes to a sofa and plays a tape while Cartman goes before the judges and clears his throat.\nCartman: She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.\nScene Description: He rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised.\nCartman: She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.\nScene Description: He moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance.\nCenter judge: [Long pause.] Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.\nCartman: Thank you.\nCenter judge: We'll let you know.\nLiane: Thank you.\nScene Description: She and Cartman reach the door. Cartman is covering his nose.\nLiane: Don't pick your nose, hon.\nCartman: I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, I have an itch!\nScene Description: They leave and close the door behind them.\nCenter judge: Jesus, where do we find these people?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. In the nurse's office, Mr. Mackey is mind-melding with Van Gelder.\nMr. Mackey: Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay?\nNurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen!\nMr. Mackey: Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded.\nScene Description: He goes back to concentrating.\nMr. Mackey: Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind.\nVan Gelder: [Responding to the mind-meld.] Dr. Adams.\nMr. Mackey: Yes.\nNurse Gollum: He owns the planetarium. What about him?\nVan Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously: He uses the machine. The star machine.\nMr. Mackey: Mkay?\nVan Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously: He uses it to erase minds.\nNurse Gollum: But why?\nVan Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously: Planetarium, about to go out of business. Adams had to create slaves to survive.\nNurse Gollum: My God! This is amazing!\nMr. Mackey: Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' off my chi! Mkay?\nScene Description: Casting Office. The results are in.\nCenter judge: Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and... unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.\nCartman: [Triumphantly.] Yes! I'm the best!\nCenter judge: You were actually our last choice. Uh the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.\nBlonde judge: That's odd.\nCartman: [Joyfully.] Sweeet!\nScene Description: News 4 Special Report.\nTom: It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.\nAsian reporter: Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.\nDr. Adams: Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents to come see a special free show this evening. I guarantee, it will change the way you think about the plane'ah-arium.\nAsian reporter: So, bring the whole family to the plane-*tarium* for a night of excitement and wonder.\nScene Description: South Park Police Department. Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady.\nStan: ...and then we turned the dial, and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.\nOfficer Barbrady: That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.\nKyle: But it's true, dude!\nOfficer Barbrady: Are you boys sure you're not just making this all up?\nStan: Yeah, pretty sure.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong.\nStan: What other crime in South Park?\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. Let's go.\nScene Description: Time for Cartman's big debut.\nDirector: Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?\nCartman: I'm over here.\nScene Description: Cartman is dressed as a Cheesy Poof.\nLiane: Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat little piggy.\nCartman: Aay!\nScene Description: A stagehand escorts Cartman to the Cheesy Poof backdrop before the camera.\nCartman: Let's hurry. This costume is hot.\nDirector: Okay, roll camera, aaand action.\nCartman: I love Cheesy Poofs, you-\nLiane: Oh wait, wait.\nScene Description: She runs in with a handkerchief.\nLiane: You've got a little eye booger, hon.\nCartman: Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake!\nScene Description: She wipes it off.\nLiane: Got it.\nScene Description: She moves off the stage.\nDirector: Aaand action.\nCartman: I love Cheesy Poofs-\nDirector: Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more light on that backdrop?\nStagehand: Sure thing.\nScene Description: He adjusts the lighting.\nCartman: Oh, man, c'mon!\nStagehand: Got it.\nDirector: Okay. Here we go, aaand action.\nCartman: I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-\nDirector: Cut!\nCartman: What?!\nDirector: I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change the shoes?\nCartman: Oh, God damnit!\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Officer Barbrady knocks and the door opens.\nDr. Adams: Oh. Hello, officer of the law.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.\nDr. Adams: What brings you out here?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town.\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady starts laughing.\nDr. Adams: Oh, really?\nScene Description: Dr. Adams leans forward menacingly. The boys huddle close to Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of.\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady advances, but Dr. Adams blocks the door.\nDr. Adams: Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay, I'll be quick, then.\nDr. Adams: Of course, officer. Come on in.\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits. Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium suits.\nChef: [In a low monotone.] Hello, children.\nStan: Oh, no! They got Chef, too!\nChef: Welcome to the planetarium.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef.\nChef: [Slowly, mechanically.] I love my work.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium, too.\nDr. Adams: Would you like to see the stars, officer?\nStan, Kyle: No!\nOfficer Barbrady: That would be super-duper!\nScene Description: He walks into the theater with Dr. Adams.\nKyle: Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!\nScene Description: Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows...\nElderly Woman: [On the phone.] Hello?\nCartman: Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.\nGrandma: Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you.\nCartman: I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch.\nGrandma: Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition for-\nCartman: Okay, bye.\nScene Description: He dials the next number.\nThe Marshes' Answering Machine: Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right now. Please leave a message.\nCartman: Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.\nScene Description: He dials another number.\nThe Broflovskis' Answering Machine: Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. Please, leave a message.\nCartman: Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!\nScene Description: Back at the planetarium...\nDr. Adams: And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, neato!\nDr. Adams: [Turning intensity up to 8.5] And now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley.\nOfficer Barbrady: Who?\nDr. Adams: To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.\nOfficer Barbrady: Pain.\nDr. Adams: You see, children? There's no stopping me. Even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me.\nKyle: He's not highly intelligent.\nStan: Why are you doing this, dude?\nDr. Adams: Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround-sound television. They've forgotten all about plane'ariums. But I'll make them remember, starting with the two of you!\nScene Description: Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial.\nVoice-over: Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.\nCartman: Oh, dude, here it comes!\nCheesy Poofs Commercial: Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up. So remember, [A dancing Cheesy Poofs box appears.] I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs [The box opens and Cheesy Poof pour out.] If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be- [The Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which children swim.]\nCheesy Poof Cartman: Lame.\nVoice-over: And now back to Terrance and Phillip.\nCartman: Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors. Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady, Stan, Kyle, and the two stoner teens.\nMr. Mackey: Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!\nStan: Mr. Mackey!\nMr. Mackey: Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Doing a twisted Elvis Presley.] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? Guh. Ahoohooyuh?\nNurse Gollum: What's wrong with him?\nOfficer Barbrady: Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah.\nMr. Mackey: Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton Heston.\nDr. Adams: No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis. [To Barbrady.] Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Snapping into a sharp Elvis.] Holdjit\nScene Description: He pulls out his gun and shoves it into Mackey's nose.\nOfficer Barbrady: If you wouldn't mind, uugh. Could you please follow me?\nMr. Mackey: Uh oh.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Voice skipping up the scales.] Odle-oh who whoo?\nScene Description: The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan, and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater.\nDr Adams: Well, let's begin, shall we?\nScene Description: He starts up the laser show controls.\nDr. Adams: And now you'll remember nothing, except that the planet'arium is the best thing you've ever known!\nScene Description: Cartman enters, oblivious to the star machine.\nCartman: Well, well well! You guys can now kiss my ass, because I was on television!\nScene Description: The other four are entranced now.\nCartman: Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was on television!\nScene Description: He sees that the others aren't responding.\nCartman: You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!\nScene Description: He walks up to the star machine and kicks it. It falls down and breaks into pieces.\nCartman: Planetariums suck ass!\nScene Description: The star machine's beams come at Dr. Adams at full force and go right into his eyes.\nDr. Adams: Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.\nKyle: [Coming out of the trance.] Cartman! You saved us!\nScene Description: The others come out of it too.\nCartman: What the hell are you talking about?\nStan: Get over here and untie us!\nScene Description: Cartman rushes over and starts untying them, Mr. Mackey first.\nMr. Mackey: Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?\nOfficer Barbrady: [Rushing in.] Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just takin' care of business.\nScene Description: Cartman stops.\nMr. Mackey: Think hard, Elvis. You're not really the king of rock and roll. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. Mkay?\nOfficer Barbrady: [Snapping out of it.] Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor.\nScene Description: Stan notices the destruction of the star machine, and the fate of Dr. Adams.\nStan: Oh my God! Dr. Adams!\nScene Description: Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened. Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right side.\nKyle: He got a full dose of the stars.\nStan: Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.\nKyle: Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing.\nCartman: Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero.\nScene Description: Cartman scratches his nose.\nLiane: [Looking in.] Don't pick your nose, hon.\nCartman: God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! I have an itch!\nScene Description: End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy Poofs anthem plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Episode starts in the playground. Bill plays catch with a blue-hatted boy in a red shirt, a brown-haired girl, Annie, and Token are on swings, and Pip and Red are on the hobby elephants. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using his gloved hand as a gun.\nStan: Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind enemy lines. His only chance of survival is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who stands watch.\nScene Description: Cartman is patrolling the invisible boundary.\nStan: Sgt. Marsh knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it.\nScene Description: Stan waits for Cartman, who is wielding a stick, shaped vaguely like a pistol, to pass, then rushes past him.\nStan: American base is only a few feet away.\nScene Description: Cartman turns and notices Stan.\nCartman: What is this? Halt!\nScene Description: They \"fire\" away at each other. From behind a nearby bush Kyle and Kenny pop up and \"fire\" at Cartman.\nCartman: It will take more than your weak American weapons to destroy me!\nStan: Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!\nKyle: Yeah! You're dead!\nCartman: I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih-\nStan: No, you don't!\nCartman: -special armor, that's impenetrable to American bullets.\nKyle: Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. Bosnians, you cheat!\nStan: Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more, you can just play with yourself!\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle leave.\nCartman: That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!\nScene Description: Kenny laughs and Cartman looks at him.\nCartman: What?\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle have walked off away from Cartman and Kenny.\nKyle: Well? Now what are we going to do?\nStan: Huh-I dunno.\nScene Description: Wendy walks up, with Bebe closely following behind her.\nWendy: Hi, Stan.\nStan: Hi, Wendy.\nWendy: Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today?\nScene Description: Bebe comes out from behind Wendy, looking hopeful.\nKyle: I dunno.\nWendy: She does. She looks very pretty.\nKyle: Okay.\nWendy: Stan, can I talk to you for a second?\nScene Description: Wendy takes his hand and pulls him aside. Bebe and Kyle are left to look at each other. Bebe smiles at Kyle, and he looks around and put his hands behind him. The two remain silent. She's still smiling. Wendy and Stan walk out of earshot from them.\nWendy: Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?\nStan: No.\nWendy: If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then we can invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the fireplace.\nStan: We could?\nWendy: Yeah, Stan.\nStan: But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.\nWendy: You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.\nStan: Just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in?\nScene Description: Back near the tree, Cartman is sitting on Kenny who is struggling to escape.\nCartman: Herr Kommandant Cartman has ways of making you talk!\nScene Description: Kenny is too weak to escape and Cartman farts on him.\nKenny: (Heellp!!)\nWendy: Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! Then all four of us can sit in it and play Truth or Dare!\nStan: [Intrigued.] Truth or Dare? Wow.\nScene Description: Stan walks back over to Kyle.\nStan: Come on, Kyle. We've got work to do.\nKyle: We do?\nStan: We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask my dad for help.\nScene Description: They walk off. Bebe's eyes follow them out, and Wendy rejoins her.\nBebe: [To Wendy.] Did it work?\nWendy: I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.\nBebe: I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy turns on the TV and ends up on Terrance and Phillip, who are in a church.\nTerrance: Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.\nPhillip: All right, Terrance.\nScene Description: Phillip pulls Terrance's finger.\nTerrance: Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.\nPhillip: Well, all right.\nScene Description: Phillip tugs harder.\nTerrance: Hurgh, urgh.\nScene Description: Randy laughs.\nTerrance: Damnit! Pull really hard, Phillip!\nPhillip: Okay.\nTerrance: Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa!\nScene Description: Terrance takes a deep breath to try to push out a fart.\nTerrance: Hurh. Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah-\nScene Description: A weak, high pitched fart finally escapes, and the two laugh.\nTerrance: Caught you there!\nRandy: Uh oh!\nScene Description: Randy laughs, as Stan and Kyle approach.\nPhillip: God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!\nTerrance: Yes, I sure did!\nScene Description: Randy laughs some more.\nKyle: Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrance and Phillip.\nRandy: No, I was just uh flipping through the channels.\nScene Description: He starts changing the channels.\nStan: Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.\nRandy: Okay.\nStan: How do we do it?\nRandy: Uh, you just get a hammer and some wood. What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth or Dare or something?\nStan: Yeah, dude! How'd you know?\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle are stunned.\nRandy: How do you think I met your mother?\nSharon: [Walks in.] Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down the garbage disposal!\nRandy: Oh, brother.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip are heard laughing, and Sharon looks at the TV. Phillip, right leg high, farts on Terrance, and they both continue laughing.\nSharon: Stanley, I thought I told you not to watch this horrible cartoon!\nRandy: Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.\nStan: Dude!\nScene Description: Sharon takes the remote from Randy and presses a few buttons.\nSharon: Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot.\nSharon: Randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of the sink?\nRandy: [Resisting.] Okay, okay.\nScene Description: Randy follows her off into the kitchen as the boys watch Fat Abbot.\nFat Abbot: Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?\nRudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight.\nFat Abbot: I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!\nRudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!\nKyle: Whoa, dude!\nStan: Sweet!\nFat Abbot: You think you're slick, you punkass blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week! I'll bust a cap in yo n***a ass, shithole!\nKyle: Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!\nScene Description: Over in the kitchen, Randy is under the sink.\nSharon: Did you find it?\nRandy: Give me a second, would you?\nSharon: Don't snap at me!\nRandy: I didn't snap at you.\nSharon: You snapped at me!\nRandy: Whatever.\nSharon: What ever?! In fifteen years you've never said, \"whatever,\" to me!\nRandy: I-I don't wanna fight, I'm sorry.\nSharon: I'm sorry, too.\nRandy: Uh I think I found it.\nScene Description: He comes out from under the sink with an alarm clock.\nSharon: That's not it, you idiot!\nRandy: Hey, back off, bitch!\nSharon: [Gasps.] You just said the C-word!\nRandy: Did I?\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle are outside working on their clubhouse. The steps, supports, and floor are in place, and they start work on the railing.\nStan: This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.\nKyle: Yeah. Hey Stan, what did your dad mean when he said we're gonna play Truth or Dare?\nStan: Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're finished, Wendy and- uh... Bebe can come over and play.\nKyle: Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? Girls suck ass.\nStan: Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, wouldn't it be sweet to- to play Truth or Dare with them?\nKyle: What? Why?\nStan: Because, dude. We could make them do really gross stuff, like eat bugs.\nKyle: Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could totally ruin their lives!\nScene Description: Cartman and Kenny stop by.\nCartman: What are you guys doing?\nStan: We're building a clubhouse.\nCartman: [Laughs heartily.] A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard!\nKyle: It's not lame, it's sweet! After we build this clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play Truth or Dare!\nCartman: [Thinks it over.] Wwwhy??\nKyle: Because, dumbass, we can dare them to do gross stuff and make them cry! What? Were you born yesterday?\nStan: Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private!\nCartman: That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!\nKyle: Fine!\nCartman: Fine! And then we'll get girls to play Truth or Dare, too!\nStan: Fine!\nCartman: Fine!\nKyle: Fine!\nKenny: (Fine!)\nKyle: Fine!\nCartman: Fine! That's fine.\nScene Description: Cartman turns and walks away with Kenny.\nStan: Fine!\nCartman: Fine!\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman and Kenny are looking over the clubhouse kit Cartman has apparently ordered: The Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House Kit w/Elevator. It has a two-story design. Cartman is wearing a yellow hard hat, and Kenny is trying to get a better look at the blueprints.\nCartman: No, Kenny, you can't look, I'm the foreman!\nKenny: (Well, why the fuck do I have to do everything while you stand around in the snow lookin-)\nScene Description: Kenny inches the blueprints closer to himself.\nCartman: Because, Kenny, your family's poor. You have to be the worker.\nKenny: [Still trying.] (Uh-)\nCartman: No, Kenny.\nLiane: [Stopping by.] How's the treehouse coming along, hon?\nCartman: Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!\nLiane: Sorry, hon.\nCartman: Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in the living room?\nLiane: Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did that, then the floors would be bare.\nCartman: [Sliding into a whine.] But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need carpeting in the clubhouse!\nLiane: Well, all right.\nCartman: Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting in the living room now.\nKenny: (You suck ass and you suck dick!)\nScene Description: Kenny walks off to get the carpeting.\nCartman: And stop your bitchin'!\nScene Description: Stan's House, Stan enters the kitchen and reaches for a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's upset.\nSharon: What are you doing, sweetheart?\nStan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then we're-\nSharon: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your God-damned cookie!\nScene Description: She walks off in a huff.\nStan: 'Kay.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Class is now in session. Mr. Twig is still there.\nMr. Garrison: And so, children, today we're gonna focus on American history, right Mr. Twig?\nMr. Twig: Uh- that's right, Mr. Garrison. American history is very important-\nKyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?\nMr. Garrison: What did you say?!\nKyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?\nMr. Garrison: I told you to never mention that name in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a two-timin' whore, and now we all learn from Mr. Twig!\nStan: But Mr. Twig sucks.\nClass: Yeah.\nMr. Garrison: That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn our history textbooks to page 105, which should be right after page 104...\nCartman: So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?\nStan: Better than yours, fat boy.\nCartman: We'll see about that. [To Kenny.] Don't forget you need to cut school early and wait for the hot tub, Kenny.\nKenny: [Gruffly.] (Yes, sir..!)\nWendy: Is the clubhouse ready?\nStan: Almost.\nMr. Garrison: Stan? Are you paying attention?\nStan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Well, then, Stanley. What did I just say?\nStan: Um. You said that even though- Charo appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.\nMr. Garrison: ...Well, okay. I suppose you were paying attention.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison turns to write on the blackboard.\nMr. Garrison: Anyway, children, the Love Boat did go on for about eight years. They tried to bring it back recently, but it didn't work. Probably 'cause Robert Urich had to weigh...\nScene Description: While he's explaining the mediocrity of The Love Boat: The Next Wave, the following takes place.\nKyle: Good guess, dude!\nStan: Phew.\nScene Description: Bebe writes a note and then hands it to Butters.\nBebe: Pssst! Pass this up.\nScene Description: Butters hands along the note to Kevin.\nButters: Pass this up.\nScene Description: Kevin hands along the note to Fosse.\nKevin: Pass this up.\nScene Description: Fosse hands along the note to Stan.\nFosse: P-huh pass this h-up.\nScene Description: Stan gets the note and reads it.\nMr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!\nStan: No, I just-\nMr. Garrison: Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.\nStan: I'm not lying. Someone just handed me the-\nMr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear!\nStan: But I didn't write the note!\nCartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.\nStan: Shut up, Cartman!\nMr. Garrison: Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!\nStan: Oh, man.\nScene Description: Bebe is worried, as Stan goes up to the front of the class to read the note.\nStan: Dear Kyle. You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perked cheeks, let me tell you.  I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.\nScene Description: The entire class stares at Stan in shock.\nStan: Whoa, dude!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Stan and Mr. Mackey are talking.\nMr. Mackey: Now, young man, uh- school is a time for learning, m'kay? Not for immature skylarkings.\nStan: What's 'skylarkings'?\nMr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.\nStan: Who?\nScene Description: Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, your parents are here.\nStan: Oh, no.\nScene Description: They enter and stand behind Stan.\nMr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.\nRandy: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?\nMr. Mackey: Yeahm'kay?\nRandy: Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.\nSharon: Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.\nStan: It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.\nMr. Mackey: Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.\nSharon: You really should know better, Stanley.\nRandy: You need to shape up, mister.\nSharon: [To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I-?\nRandy: [A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.\nSharon: There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, uh- Perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want to you to be-\nRandy: Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!\nMr. Mackey: Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's bad.\nSharon: [To Randy.] Like you're one to talk! When's the last time you really listened to what I had to say?!\nMr. Mackey: [Slowly.] Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.\nRandy: When was the last time you had anything interesting to say? It's always gossip and stupid crap!\nMr. Mackey: Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit of a communication problem here. Uh, Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.\nRandy: Well- uh, I feel like everything I do is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say.\nMr. Mackey: Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh-\nStan: Excuse me.\nMr. Mackey: -how do you feel?\nSharon: Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right through me.\nRandy: Oh, please!\nStan: Hello?\nSharon: Oh, please yourself!\nMr. Mackey: Who tries to control the marriage? And by that I mean, who's dominating the aspects of the relationship?\nSharon: He is.\nScene Description: At this point everyone has completely forgotten about Stan, who gets off the chair.\nRandy: No, she is.\nScene Description: Stan walks to the door and opens it.\nSharon: Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again!\nScene Description: Stan is gone.\nMr. Mackey: Mmkay.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Foreman Cartman is back at the blueprint.\nCartman: Look at it, Kenny. It is the greatest clubhouse ever built.\nScene Description: A shot of their \"clubhouse\". It looks shoddy and horrible.\nCartman: Oh, man!\nKenny: (Uh huh)\nCartman: And we built it, with our own hands. Now all we need is chicks, Kenny.\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nCartman: All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.\nKenny: (Well, why do I have to be the one to go and find chicks?)\nCartman: Because I have to stay here and work! I still have to shingle the roof, test the foundation, run all kinds of inspections. I've got way too much to do, and all you have to do is to go find chicks! Now, stop your bitchin'!\nScene Description: Kenny walks off and Cartman watches him leave. As soon as he's gone, Cartman throws off his hat and runs into the house.\nCartman: Mom, can I watch American Gladiators?\nScene Description: Stan's Backyard, Kyle is on the clubhouse floor, waiting as Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing hangs from the foundation.\nKyle: Dude! Where have you been? I've been waiting all afternoon.\nStan: I got in trouble for that note Bebe was trying to pass to you.\nKyle: To me??\nStan: I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse quick. The girls wanna play Truth or Dare tomorrow!\nScene Description: They start hammering a board onto the floor, but...\nKyle: We should use nails, dude.\nStan: My mom won't let us.\nScene Description: Wendy and Bebe arrive in backyard.\nWendy: Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?\nStan: Pretty good. We're almost done.\nWendy: Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or Dare!\nStan: We're going as fast as we can!\nBebe: Kyle, could you turn around for a second?\nScene Description: Kyle and Stan look at each other. Kyle turns around, then looks back with Stan at the girls.\nBebe: Thank you.\nScene Description: The girls walk away, and the boys resume hammering.\nStan: Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.\nKyle: Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth or Dare?\nStan: No.\nKyle: Well dude, how the hell are we supposed to play it, then?\nStan: I didn't even think about that.\nScene Description: Later, at Chef's house. Candles line his dining room wall, and he and Stan are sitting at his table.\nChef: And then, they'll ask, \"Truth or Dare?'\nStan: And I say, \"Dare!\"\nChef: No no! You say, \"Truth.\"\nStan: \"Truth?\" But that's boring! I want to get \"Dare\" to kiss her.\nChef: You have to say \"Truth\" the first few times. Or else, you seem too eager.\nStan: Oooh.\nChef: You can't seem too eager. You've got to play it cool, like you don't even care what happens.\nStan: Yeah.\nChef: Then, after a few \"Truth\"s, you finally answer, \"Dare.\"\nStan: \"Dare!\"\nChef: But not like that, son. Like this: \"Daaare\".\nScene Description: Chef speaks in a low, senusal voice, as he moves his hand through the air in unison, for effect.\nStan: Oooh.\nChef: And then her little friend will dare you to kiss Wendy.\nStan: You really think so?\nChef: Of course she will. They're women. They've had this whole thing planned out months ahead of time.\nStan: Wow!\nScene Description: Meanwhile, over at Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV, munching Cheesy Poofs.\nFat Abbot: Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?\nRudy: Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on this side of the 'hood?\nFat Abbot: You know somethin', Rudy? You're like school in summertime.\nRudy: School in summertime?\nFat Abbot: Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!\nScene Description: Fat Abbot grabs Rudy by the collar and lifts him up high.\nFat Abbot: Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, or I'll pop your bitch ass.\nDonald: I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, bitcha.\nCartman: What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon?\nScene Description: Cartman's doorbell rings, and he gets up to answer.\nCartman: Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks to come to the clubhouse?\nKenny: [Proudly, with thumbs up.] (Uh-huh)\nScene Description: Kenny has found two teenage girls.\nRunaway girl 1: Hi. We ran away from home.\nRunaway girl 2: Well like, this kid told us we might be able to crash at your clubhouse for a couple of days.\nCartman: [Amazed.] Holy crap!\nScene Description: He leads the three of them to the backyard.\nCartman: Behold! The Ewok Village 2000!\nRunaway girl 1: Oh well, I guess it beats living at home.\nCartman: [Enunciating properly.] Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack? [Rubs his stomach.]\nScene Description: Meanwhile, over at Stan's house, Stan's phone starts ringing.\nStan: Hello?\nCartman: How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?\nStan: We're working on it.\nCartman: Well, I just thought I'd tell you that me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse, and we already have chicks over.\nStan: No, you don't!\nScene Description: Female giggles are heard through the phone, and Stan pulls the receiver from his ear.\nStan: Dude!\nCartman: It's only a matter of time before we're playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good luck with your piece of crap clubhouse, stupid asshole.\nStan: Aw, that hunk of fat- [Sharon walks in.] Mom, will you please ask Dad to come help me build my clubhouse?\nSharon: Stanley, I think you should know that your father has moved out.\nStan: What?! Why?\nSharon: Because, we're divorced, Stanley.\nStan: Divorced? On no. Does that mean you and Dad don't love me anymore? This is all my fault, isn't it?\nSharon: Yeah, kind of.\nStan: ...Dude, you're not supposed to say that!\nSharon: But I would like you to meet your new stepfather, Roy.\nRoy: Hello, son.\nStan: What?!\nSharon: I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.\nScene Description: Sharon leaves.\nRoy: Hello, Stanley. I know this must be a very difficult period for you right now, and the adjustment is going to take some time. But I'd like to be your friend. So when you're ready, I want you to feel free to come to me with anything you might need, whether it's advice, or- just someone to play catch with. You can count on me.\nStan: This is happening way too fast.\nRoy: Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me some slack, huh?! I have taken you under my wing and done my best, and all you ever do is whine and moan about it! Now, for the last time, go cut some firewood!\nScene Description: Roy walks off. Stan stares after him blankly. Meanwhile, back at Cartman's house.\nRunaway girl 1: So, I'm on my way out the door, and she goes, \"Make sure you're home before midnight!\"\nCartman: Ahaw, that's weak.\nRunaway girl 1: And I go, \"Listen, bitch! I don't need my mother giving me no curfew!\"\nCartman: That's killer.\nRunaway girl 1: And she goes, \"Yeah, well, if you're not home before midnight, don't bother coming home at all!\"\nCartman: That's totally weak!\nRunaway girl 1: So I go, \"Fine! I won't come home!\"\nCartman: Sweet.\nRunaway girl 1: And then she goes, \"Fine! Don't come home!\", getting all up in my face and crap and acting all tough and crap.\nCartman: Killer weak, sweet!\nRunaway girl 1: I'm sixteen. I should be able to do what I want when I want.\nScene Description: Cartman listens intently.\nRunaway girl 1: I don't need her breathing down my neck every two seconds telling me what I can and cannot do!\nCartman: I had the same thing with my mom the other day. I'm all like, \"Ey! I am not a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, then I'm gonna fingerpaint!\"\nScene Description: The girls just look at him. Back at Stan's house, Stan and Kyle are putting the finishing touches on their clubhouse.\nStan: Okay. We're done.\nKyle: [Wiggling the railing.] Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy.\nScene Description: A piece of it comes off in his hand and falls to the ground, where it breaks.\nStan: It doesn't matter, dude. It only has to last long enough to play Truth or Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls.\nScene Description: Stan climbs down.\nKyle: Okay.\nScene Description: Stan is humming as he is going away, but his is stopped by a pair of legs, he looks up.\nStan: G'oh?\nSharon: Stanley, it's time to go!\nStan: Go where?\nSharon: Your bastard father has visitation rights, and this is his time with you.\nStan: But no! I have to get the girls to come-\nSharon: Come on, Stanley!\nScene Description: She takes him away by the hand.\nStan: Weak!\nScene Description: A car is heard pulling up. It's Randy, in a red Corvette.\nStan: Dad?\nRandy: Hey, Stanley, uh, hop in.\nScene Description: Stan gets in, and they peel off.\nRandy: Listen, Stanley, I- I know all this change must be tough on you, but you know, your-your mother and I thought it'd be best for all of us if we'd split up.\nStan: But I don't understand why we have to-\nScene Description: Randy pulls up and stops next to a pink Jeep.\nRandy: Well, hello, ladies.\nRunaway girl 1 Passenger: Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's Bar tonight.\nRandy: [Suavely.] I'm already there.\nScene Description: She winks at him and the ladies peel off. Randy turns to Stan.\nRandy: What were we talking about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and I still care about you and your sister. But we just don't like being around each other any more.\nStan: Well, I don't like being around my sister anymore; does that mean I can leave her, too?\nRandy: Well, no, because you're a family. You just can't leave family; you have to stick with family, no matter what.\nStan: But you and Mom are family; how come you can just split up?\nScene Description: Randy is stumped.\nStan: You know what I think? I think that when you and Mom got married, you became family. And now that you are, you shouldn't be able to leave her anymore than I can leave my sister.\nRandy: Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just don't get it.\nScene Description: Randy pulls back up at Stan's house.\nRandy: Well, anyway, have a nice day.\nStan: What? That's it?\nRandy: Yeah. But I loved our time together. I hate to see it end. Go on, get out.\nScene Description: Stan gets out of the car.\nRandy: You know that nothing is more important to me than you, right, Stan?\nStan: I guess, but-\nScene Description: Before Stan can finish, Randy drives off, Stan just watches, speechless. Moments later, he is inside his clubhouse with Kyle, they are looking out the window in anticipation of Wendy and Bebe coming over.\nStan: Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here to play Truth or Dare any minute.\nKyle: Stan, if I didn't know you better, I would almost think you're doing this because you wanna play with girls.\nStan: No way, dude! Don't be silly.\nBebe: [Off screen.] Come on, Wendy.\nStan: We have to say \"Truth\" a couple of times before we say \"Dare,\" right?\nKyle: Right. Why?\nStan: Because if we don't, we'll seem too eager.\nKyle: Too eager to what?\nStan: To say \"Dare,\" dumbass! Jeez.\nWendy: [Entering the clubhouse.] Hi, guys.\nScene Description: The boys are startled, but turn around.\nStan: Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?\nBebe: Don't you guys still wanna play \"Truth or Dare\"?\nStan: Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.\nBebe: Then come on!\nScene Description: They all sit, Wendy across from Stan, Bebe across from Kyle.\nStan: [To Kyle, softly.] Remember, \"Truth\" the first couple of times.\nKyle: Okay.\nBebe: Who wants to go first?\nWendy: I will. Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah?\nWendy: Truth or Dare?\nKyle: Umm. Dare?\nScene Description: Stan looks at him angrily, then punches him on the arm.\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: What?\nWendy: [Whispers.] How about we give him Bebe?\nBebe: [Whispers.] Okay.\nWendy: [Whispers.] Okay.\nBebe: [Whispers.] Okay.\nWendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips!\nKyle: What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing a girl!\nWendy: What's the matter, Kyle?\nKyle: It's just wrong, that's all.\nStan: Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close your eyes.\nKyle: What the hell have you gotten me into?!\nStan: Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing Truth or Dare with girls right now. You really want him to beat us?\nScene Description: Kyle thinks for a moment then looks at Bebe.\nKyle: Hoh boy.\nScene Description: Kyle puckers up, Bebe comes and gives him a peck on the lips.\nKyle: Sick!\nScene Description: He gets up and rushes to the entrance.\nKyle: Aggghhh! Fucking sickening!\nScene Description: Kyle shimmies on down.\nBebe: [Staring at him as he leaves.] Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!\nWendy: Your turn, Bebe.\nBebe: [Seated back by Wendy.] Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare?\nScene Description: Stan takes a moment to look at Wendy, then at her lips.\nBebe: Stan, Truth or Dare?\nStan: [Sensually.] Dare.\nScene Description: Before Bebe can respond and bring Stan to Wendy's sweet lips, Roy pops in, ruining everything.\nRoy: Son, could you please help me with the firewood?\nStan: ...Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! We have enough to last twelve years!\nRoy: When will you let me in? Let me love you?! Now, get your ass out here and help me.\nWendy: Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth or Dare tomorrow.\nStan: Crap!\nScene Description: Over at Cartman's clubhouse.\nRunaway girl 1: I think you should be able to move out legally when you're fourteen.\nRunaway girl 2: [Pulls out a cigarette.] Our moms won't even let us smoke.\nRunaway girl 1: Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives me shit for smoking, but it's my body. I should be able to do whatever I want with it.\nCartman: Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit sometimes, and I tell her to shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts!\nScene Description: Just then, Liane calls up to him and he freezes.\nLiane: Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy to tuck you into your snuggleboat for night-night.\nScene Description: He's clearly alarmed now.\nLiane: Eric, are you out there in your clubhouse?\nCartman: [Voice shaking.] Coming, Mom. [To the girls.] Okay, we have to play Truth or Dare, quick!\nGuy in leather jacket: Hey, girls.\nGuy with long hair: What's up.\nRunaway girl 1: Oh hey, Scott.\nCartman: Who the hell are you?!\nRunaway girl 2: Uh- we invited some people over. Hope you don't mind.\nCartman: How many people?\nScene Description: The bus stop, next day. Kyle is alone, and Bebe walks up.\nBebe: Kyle, can I talk to you?\nKyle: Okay.\nBebe: Kyle, this is very difficult for me. I think we need time apart.\nKyle: Huh?\nBebe: I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't go on with this codependency.\nKyle: Okay, that's fine.\nScene Description: Bebe covers Kyle's mouth with her mitten.\nBebe: No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand. It has to be this way.\nKyle: [Muffled.] But I don't care.\nBebe: Please. Just remember the good times we had. I'll never forget you. Never.\nScene Description: She walks over to love interest.\nBebe: Okay, Clyde, we can go now.\nClyde: Bitchin'.\nScene Description: Clyde walks off after her. Back at Stan's house, Roy is watching a home decorating show. Stan comes in.\nHost: These are café curtains that require no sewing, and I know you all love that!\nScene Description: A smattering of applause. Not many audience members.\nStan: Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.\nRoy: Nnuuhunuuhh.\nStan: What?\nRoy: Chores. Do chores.\nStan: My dad lets me watch cartoons.\nRoy: Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm not your dad! You- you can't just go around playing games with my emotions.\nScene Description: Roy starts weeping and walks away as Sharon approaches.\nSharon: [Arms on her hips.] Stanley, what did you do to Roy?\nStan: Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy in the clubhouse!\nSharon: [Sighs.] Stanley, you know you're the most important thing to me, right?\nStan: If that's true, then get back together with Dad for me!\nSharon: Now Stanley, you have to understand how divorce works. When I say, \"you're the most important thing to me,\" what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my happiness and my new romances.\nStan: Oh.\nSharon: Bye now. Roy!\nScene Description: Sharon goes after him.\nStan: Divorce is stupid.\nScene Description: Stan clicks on the TV, and \"Fat Abbot\" comes on.\nFat Abbot: Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why is your eye all black and blue and shit?\nYolanda: Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped me in my eye.\nFat Abbot: Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!\nYolanda: Really?\nFat Abbot: Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' from a tree so high nobody finds him for days! Glock-glock, you know what I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin' shit! Damn!\nYolanda: You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!\nFat Abbot: No problem, ho. Maybe later you can suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!\nBill: Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done learned somethin' today. If you have a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the pudding.\nStan: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy.\nScene Description: Stan grabs paper and pencil and starts writing. That night, over at Cartman's clubhouse, the place is jumping, music is blaring, and a small crowd mills around. The long-haired teenager stands next to the radio for a moment, then passes out. Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of Cheesy Poofs.\nOlder kid: Hey, kid, give me some of those!\nScene Description: Holding a beer bottle, he grabs some Cheesy Poofs and swallows them.\nScene Description: Cartman fights through the crowd to the teenage girls Kenny found.\nCartman: Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or Dare?\nRunaway girl 1: What? That game's for kids.\nCartman: This is bullcrap!\nScene Description: Cartman throws up the tray and lets it fly everywhere, Randy, who is also at Cartman's clubhouse party is hanging out near a girl dancing in overalls.\nRandy: Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna have to leave this party.\nCartman: This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never built a clubhouse!\nScene Description: The music begins to build.\nPunk: Mosh pit!\nScene Description: Kenny stands alone in an open space in the crowd.\nKenny: (Huh?)\nScene Description: The crowd rushes to fill it in and stomps all over him, then disperses, revealing rats feasting on his corpse. The lyrics appropriately say, \"Why don't you just pull a piece of me? Why catch some piece of me? Why does everybody want a piece of me?\"\nCartman: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nScene Description: Outside on the street in front of Cartman's house, Kyle happens to be passing by.\nKyle: You bastard!\nScene Description: Over at Stan's house. Sharon shouts for Stan to hear if he is home.\nSharon: Stanley?! Your father is coming over for visitation! Stan?\nScene Description: She sees the note he has written, which reads: Meet me in the clubhouse. She tosses the note onto the sofa and walks out. Roy enters the living room after she has left.\nRoy: Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy of Harper's?\nScene Description: Roy sees the note and reads it aloud.\nRoy: Meet me at the clubhouse.\nScene Description: Out inside Stan's clubhouse, Randy is sitting alone, Sharon climbs up and parts the curtain behind him.\nSharon: Oh, Randy. What are you doing here?\nScene Description: She climbs in and sits near him.\nRandy: I, uh, got a note from Stanley to come out to the-uh clubhouse.\nSharon: Oh I thought that note was for me.\nRandy: Oh, maybe it was.\nScene Description: Sharon looks around, surveying Stan and Kyle's handiwork.\nSharon: Well, it looks like our little Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse here.\nRandy: I remember not too long ago we were just kids playing kissing games in my clubhouse.\nScene Description: A moment of awkward silence, then Sharon gets up and goes to leave.\nSharon: Goodnight.\nRandy: Sharon?\nSharon: Yes?\nScene Description: She turns back to face him.\nRandy: Truth or Dare?\nSharon: It's too late for games.\nScene Description: She comes back in and sits down.\nRandy: No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?\nSharon: Truth.\nRandy: Do you still love me?\nSharon: Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy and-, I don't know how to break it off with him.\nScene Description: Roy exits the house looking for Sharon.\nRoy: Sharon-\nScene Description: Roy springs a trap.\nRoy: Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.\nRandy: Well, you never know. Maybe-\nRoy: He-\nRandy: -thing will work out.\nRoy: Hello?\nSharon: Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or Dare?\nRoy: Sharon?\nRandy: [Sensually.] Dare.\nSharon: Do me. Right here in the clubhouse.\nScene Description: Randy pounces on her and they go at it.\nRoy: Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody get me d-? Hello?\nScene Description: Stan is holding the rope to the trap.\nStan: Wow. Clubhouses are magical.\nScene Description: The next day back at the clubhouse, Stan, Wendy, Bebe, and Clyde are there.\nBebe: Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?\nScene Description: Stan is nervous, sweating, but willing. He looks at Wendy then at her lips.\nStan: Dare.\nScene Description: Wendy and Bebe whisper.\nBebe: Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.\nStan: ...What?!\nWendy: Wow, that sucks!\nBebe: Do you think it'll hurt?\nScene Description: End of Clubhouses, Roy is still dangling from the tree outside.\nRoy: Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It certainly does suck right here. Hello? Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and his assistant stand near the contestants.\nHost: Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?\nTom and Mary: We're ready, Bob!\nBob: Any particular prize you're hoping for?\nMary: Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!\nTom: Oh, anywhere'd be great!\nBob: Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?\nScene Description: A 9 second count-down begins.\nTom: Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this.\nScene Description: Tom grips his head with both hands as time runs out.\nMary: The upper vascular hood.\nBob: I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!\nScene Description: Tom and Mary are overjoyed.\nBob: Fred tell 'em what they've won.\nFred the Announcer: Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado!\nScene Description: A woman dressed as a cowgirl shows off a picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs.\nMary: Where?\nFred the Announcer: That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.\nScene Description: A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions appear.\nFred the Announcer: Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road, and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows!\nScene Description: The audience Awww's as a group of cows is shown.\nFred the Announcer: Congratulations, Tom and Mary.\nBob: Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.\nTom: What was second prize again?\nBob: That's all for now. See you tomorrow on...\nScene Description: The audience joins him in saying.\nBob and Audience: Ooo, What The Hell Is That!\nScene Description: The theme music plays before they cut to commercial.\nMary: Ah shit!\nScene Description: South Park rodeo. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels, nearby on the carnival stage, Mayor McDaniels and her aides are standing.\nMayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days!\nScene Description: Cheers go up. Mayor McDaniels and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them.\nMayor McDaniels: As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cow.\nScene Description: The crowd cheers wildly.\nMayor McDaniels: And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!\nScene Description: Jimbo walks up to the mic.\nJimbo: This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial!\nScene Description: A giant curtain covers a large object.\nJimbo: Which will live forever in South Park from this day forward. Release the curtain!\nScene Description: The curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed. It's wooden, buddhaesque, in appearance, a dark gold color, with a large clock encased in its belly. The clock shows 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is at the front of the crowd, as are Tom and Mary.\nMary: This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!\nTom: Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it.\nMary: Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.\nMayor McDaniels: Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!\nScene Description: The carnival gets underway. People mill around, the boys approach a booth that says \"3 for $5\".\nToss-a-Ball operator: Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.\nKyle: Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nScene Description: A fanfare plays as a close-up of the dolls are shown.\nStan: Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.\nKyle: Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.\nOperator: Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.\nStan: Really?\nOperator: Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.\nScene Description: The operator shows the boys the tag, which reads \"TEЯENSE AND PHILLUP\"\nCartman: Wwow!\nKyle: Dude, that kicks ass!\nCartman: [Breathlessly.] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?\nOperator: Five dollars for three balls.\nCartman: Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!\nOperator: Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.\nScene Description: A wooden board featuring a photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt's face is shown, a gaping hole where her mouth should be.\nCartman: That's easy!\nOperator: Okay, we've got a player!\nCartman: Ay! Check it out!\nScene Description: He tosses a ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth.\nCartman: Damn it!\nOperator: It's okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.\nCartman: Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!\nScene Description: He chucks another ball at her, and misses.\nKyle: You suck, Cartman!\nCartman: I'd like to see you do better!\nKyle: Give me that!\nScene Description: Kyle takes the final ball from Cartman, and throws it. Direct hit, it goes into the mouth, but falls out and away.\nKyle: Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!\nOperator: It's gotta go through her mouth.\nKyle: But ih-\nOperator: Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.\nKyle: Here, give me some money, Cartman!\nScene Description: Cartman looks at him and starts laughing.\nKyle: Lend me money, fat boy!\nCartman: I only have three dollars left, asshole!\nKyle: Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom.\nScene Description: The boys walk off.\nJimbo: [Still onstage.] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers. Kyle has found his parents.\nKyle: Mom, give me some money!\nSheila: Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!\nKyle: I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nSheila: Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out on the streets!\nKyle: I will if you give me money!\nSheila: Okay, here!\nScene Description: She hands him some bills, and he walks off.\nCartman: Sweet.\nScene Description: Back on stage, Jimbo gives more instructions to the crowd, which is still cheering.\nJimbo: Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows.\nScene Description: The crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering.\nJimbo: With that said, let's rock and roll!\nScene Description: The crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too.\nJimbo: Everybody ready to run? Release the cows!\nScene Description: The corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth.\nJimbo: They're loose!\nScene Description: Jimbo leaves the stage, the cows look bewildered at the townsfolk.\nCows: Mooooo?!\nScene Description: The townsfolk scream wildly, while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more. Ned runs directly into a telephone pole and falls.\nNed: Ow.\nScene Description: One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole.\nJimbo: [Running by.] Yeehaw!\nScene Description: A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming.\nScene Description: Back at the carnival, a ride named \"Chamber of Farts\" stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter.\nKyle: Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.\nCartman: I only need one, dude. I only need one.\nOperator: Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.\nStan: What's that?\nOperator: Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?\nCartman: How much is it?\nOperator: Just three tickets, boys.\nChamber of Farts Ride: Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?\nKyle: Is it like a- haunted house or something?\nOperator: Sure. It's veery scary.\nCartman: Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twenty-five.\nKyle: No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nCartman: Oh come on, you guys. We'll still have plenty of money left over.\nKyle: You'd better be right, dude.\nCartman: I'm right!\nScene Description: The boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in.\nOperator: Keep your hands inside at all times.\nKyle: Okay.\nScene Description: They go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanoes poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops.\nChamber of Farts ride: So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS!\nScene Description: The car starts up again, and Cartman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet.\nCartman: Eh! God-damnit!\nScene Description: As they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs.\nStan: What the hell was that?\nChamber of Farts ride: Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!\nScene Description: The car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns.\nOperator: All right, boys. Ride's over.\nKyle: That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!\nStan: Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!\nCartman: [As they step down.] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!\nKyle: That was a waste of money, Cartman!\nOperator: Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.\nKyle: We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.\nCartman: Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money.\nScene Description: Cartman is down to $11.00, as he goes to get in line for the ride.\nCartman: Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!\nScene Description: The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. In the other area of the carnival, the boys are nearing the end of the line for the ride.\nKyle: This ride better be good!\nStan: Yeah, this line is way too long!\nCartman: I think we're almost to the end.\nKyle: We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!\nStan: Here we go.\nScene Description: The boys pass under a banner that reads \"LINE RIDE\"\nKyle: Finally!\nLine ride operator: Did ya enjoy the ride?\nStan: What ride?\nKyle: Yeah.\nLine ride operator: This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.\nKyle: Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!\nLine ride operator: That's five tickets, thank you very much.\nScene Description: The boys leave with $6.00 remaining.\nLine ride operator: Come see us again soon.\nStan: My ass we will!\nKyle: Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!\nStan: Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.\nPhoto seller: Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride?\nScene Description: They are shown the picture.\nCartman: How much?\nPhoto seller: Just three dollars.\nCartman: Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet.\nScene Description: They are now left with $3.00.\nKyle: You dumbass, Cartman!\nCartman: What? This is cool.\nKyle: No, it's not cool!\nCartman: It is, too!\nScene Description: They head back over to the Toss-A-Ball.\nOperator: Can I help you boys.\nStan: We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.\nOperator: O-kay, five dollars for three balls.\nKyle: How much do we have left, Cartman?\nScene Description: Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer.\nKyle: How much do we have left, Cartman?!\nCartman: Aah, three dollars.\nKyle: What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!\nCartman: Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.\nKyle: You son of a bitch! Aaargh!\nScene Description: Kyle lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.\nCartman: Ey! Seriously!\nScene Description: A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again.\nKyle: Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!\nCartman: Well, I'm sorry!\nKyle: Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?\nCartman: [Thinks a moment.] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!\nKenny: [Pulls some out.] (What? These?)\nStan: Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?\nOperator: Sure, as long as they're good.\nKyle: Give him your food stamps, Kenny!\nKenny: (Nuh uh.)\nKyle: Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!\nKenny: (Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)\nCartman: Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends!\nScene Description: Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls.\nKyle: Okay. Here we go.\nScene Description: Kyle chucks the first ball directly into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away.\nKyle: Hey! That was right on target.\nOperator: Sorry, kid. Try again.\nScene Description: Kyle throws the next ball in, again directly on target, but it too bounces away.\nKyle: That does it! Shenanigans!\nScene Description: He points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around.\nKyle: SHENANIGANS!\nOperator: Uhwhat are you doing?\nKyle: I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!\nOperator: Shenanigans?\nOfficer Barbrady: What's all the hoo-ha?\nKyle: Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.\nOfficer Barbrady: Why?\nKyle: This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!\nOfficer Barbrady: If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just.\nScene Description: Barbrady raises his baton and points it at the operator.\nOfficer Barbrady: What do you have to say, carnival operator?\nOperator: Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son.\nScene Description: The operator reaches inside the counter and switches balls to give Kyle a smaller one.\nOperator: Here you go.\nScene Description: Kyle tosses it, and it soars through the mouth.\nOperator: There, you see? We have a winner!\nKyle: It worked!\nOfficer Barbrady: Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!\nStan: Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.\nOfficer Barbrady: Barbrady!\nStan: Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?\nOfficer Barbrady: You said Buttbaby.\nScene Description: The boys start laughing after a few seconds.\nCartman: Sweet.\nOperator: Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.\nKyle: No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.\nOperator: Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.\nKyle: What?!\nOperator: You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade 'em in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nKyle: You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-\nOperator: [Ignoring them, speaking to the crowd] Step on up, just five dollars to play!\nKyle: Damnit, I have to have those dolls!\nScene Description: He walks off pissed. The others follow.\nStan: This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.\nKyle: [Something stops him.] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bull-riding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5,000.\nScene Description: The boys look at him.\nKyle: Think about it, dude: $5,000. That's 1,000 set of balls. That's 3,000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!\nCartman: What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?\nKyle: [Grabbing Cartman by the collar.] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!\nCartman: O-kay, I'll get on the bull.\nKyle: All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!\nScene Description: Kyle walks away. The others watch him.\nStan: [To Cartman.] He really wants those dolls.\nCartman: I guess, damn!\nScene Description: Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11.\nMary: That ride wasn't very good.\nTom: Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.\nMary: You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.\nScene Description: The Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive. Meanwhile, at a nearby bar.\nStan: Alright, this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.\nCartman: Hey, this is sweet.\nKyle: You gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?\nCartman: I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.\nStan: We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go.\nScene Description: Kenny presses the switch, and the mechanical bull starts to move.\nCartman: Ye-gah!\nScene Description: The bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up.\nCartman: Ow!\nScene Description: Cartman shattered the glass, which scatters all around.\nCartman: Son of a bitch!\nStan: How long was that?\nKyle: That wasn't quite ten seconds.\nStan: Damn it!\nScene Description: They all walk over to Cartman.\nStan: That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.\nCartman: [Whispering.] You guys, eh seriously, my back!\nKyle: Get back on, fat-ass! You have to practice!\nCartman: [Whispering.] Seriously. Help.\nScene Description: None of the boys step forth to help him.\nCartman: Screw you guys. Hate you guys.\nKyle: What'd you say, Cartman??\nCartman: [Whispering.] I hate you guys!\nKyle: I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.\nCartman: [Whispering.] Hate you guys.\nScene Description: The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.\nScene Description: Elsewhere, the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on.\nRancher: Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.\nKyle: Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.\nRancher: Well, have fun, boys.\nKyle: Okay, Cartman. You ready?\nCartman: [Hesitantly.] Nnoo.\nKyle: Open the gate!\nScene Description: Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left.\nCartman: All right, get down. This is my kind of bull-ride.\nKyle: [Whispers to Stan.] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!\nCartman: Yeah, this is sweet!\nStan: What are you going to do?\nKyle: Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.\nStan: Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.\nScene Description: Kyle chucks a snowball at the bull's testicles and gets a direct hit. The bull starts bucking, pissed off.\nCartman: Eeyy!\nKyle: That's better.\nStan: Hold on, Cartman!\nCartman: Ey! Seriously, you guys! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing!\nScene Description: The bull throws him off.\nCartman: Mother f-\nScene Description: Before he can finish, he is thrust into the snow in front of them.\nKyle: Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough!\nScene Description: No response.\nStan: Come on, Cartman.\nScene Description: No response.\nKenny: (Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)\nKyle: No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing!\nScene Description: Kyle kicks Cartman.\nKyle: Get up!\nScene Description: Kyle waits a moment, then kicks him again.\nKyle: Get UP!\nScene Description: Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale.\nStan: You okay, dude?\nScene Description: Cartman says nothing, he sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo.\nStan: Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?\nKyle: Dude, I think we broke him.\nScene Description: Later, at Hell's Pass Hospital, in the waiting area.\nDr. Doctor: Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.\nStan: What's the matter with him.\nDr. Doctor: Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.\nKyle: ..Oh.\nStan: But can he still ride a bull?\nDr. Doctor: What?\nKyle: We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?\nDr. Doctor: No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor turns and walks away.\nKyle: Damn it!\nScene Description: Now in Cartman's room.\nStan: Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?\nCartman: Bân xưa, Lee bân xưa! (rough translation: Old friends, Lee old friends!)\nStan: What?!\nCartman: Boyongture taur lur mahrter.\nStan: Oh, he's fine, dude.\nKyle: You think?\nCartman: Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.\nStan: Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.\nScene Description: Back at the festivities, the Running of the Cows has ended, and Jimbo is onstage.\nJimbo: All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!\nScene Description: The crowd stands silent.\nJimbo: Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked.\nScene Description: Nothing. Jimbo now looks around.\nJimbo: Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial!\nScene Description: People in the crowd start buzzing, as Officer Barbrady approaches Tom and Mary from behind.\nMary: Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists.\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady cuffs them both and takes them away.\nMary: Oh my God!\nScene Description: At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.\nStan: How's he doing?\nKyle: He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.\nCartman: Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.\nStan: Do you think he can ride the bull?\nKyle: Yeah, I think so.\nStan: Cool.\nScene Description: The boys pass by a man in uniform, and his wife.\nCartman: Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!\nSoldier: Huh?\nCartman: Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.\nSoldier: Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.\nCartman: Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!\nSoldier: Beat it, kid! Come on, honey.\nScene Description: They walk away, an announcement over the loudspeaker gets the attention of carnival-goers.\nChamber of Farts Operator: Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen!\nScene Description: A crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is lost among the mass of people.\nStan: Jesus, dude!\nKyle: Hey, where's Cartman?\nStan: Oh, hell!\nKenny: (I don't know where he went!)\nStan: Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.\nKenny: (Okay.)\nScene Description: South Park Police Dept. Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and seemingly forgotten.\nTom: Hoh, it's so cold here.\nMary: Where is that sheriff?! We need water!\nTom: Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.\nMary: You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.\nTom: Yeah, and at least we've got our health.\nScene Description: A rat runs by.\nScene Description: Over at a ranch, two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field.\nGrey Hat: I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.\nMitchell: Where are they again?\nGrey Hat: Just right up over this ridge.\nScene Description: The ranchers reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.\nGrey Hat: That's what they've been doin' all morning, just sittin' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.\nMitchell: Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing, when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!\nGrey Hat: [Ponders] Hmm. Cow cult.\nScene Description: Back at the carnival, rodeo riders test their skill. One of them loses when his horse throws him off.\nAnnouncer: The grand-daddy of 'em all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bull-riding event. Grand prize: $5000!\nStan: Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!\nKenny: (I don't know, can't find him.)\nKyle: He's up in, like, twenty minutes!\nKenny: (I know, I know!)\nCartman: [Off-camera.] Hello, prease! Hello!\nStan: [Points to him.] There he is!\nScene Description: Cartman emerges from the crowd, now wearing a hot-pink two piece outfit, orange blush, and an oriental wig.\nCartman: Fucky-sucky, five dorrah.\nScene Description: Back at the police station, Tom and Mary still sit and wait.\nScene Description: Back on the hill, Jimbo and Ned have joined the two ranchers.\nGrey Hat: Here they are, just like we told you.\nScene Description: Jimbo has had enough of the Cows' shenanigans.\nJimbo: Okay, that's enough-a that! You cows need to dis-perse! All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows!\nScene Description: The cows are unphased.\nJimbo: All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!\nScene Description: Ned lashes out his whip which makes a loud crack.\nNed: Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies!\nScene Description: He lashes out again and makes contact with a cow, this causes the herd to move in on him.\nNed: Bad cows stay! Stay!\nScene Description: The cows are pissed. They rush in and trample him into the ground.\nNed: AAAAAH!\nJimbo: Holy crow! Play dead, Ned!\nGrey Hat: [Still on the ridge, casually.] I reckon we should get some help.\nMitchell: I reckon.\nScene Description: Back at the rodeo, the boys have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride.\nKyle: Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.\nStan: Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!\nCartman: Fucky-sucky five dollah.\nAnnouncer: Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation.\nAnnouncer: Three, two, one.\nScene Description: The the gate opens and Jack goes forth.\nJack: Yeehaw! Yehoo! Yeehaw!\nScene Description: The bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air.\nJack: Aaaaaaaa!\nScene Description: He lands, gored by another bull's horns, and dies.\nAnnouncer: Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. Up next, number 14, Ming Li!\nCartman: Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!\nAnnouncer: Here we go!\nStan: Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.\nKyle: What do you mean?\nStan: I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.\nAnnouncer: Let her go!\nScene Description: The gate thrusts open, and \"Ming Li\" goes forth.\nCartman: Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!\nKyle: Hang on, Cartman!\nAnnouncer: Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull!\nScene Description: Frank Hammond, his, partner, looks bored.\nAnnouncer: I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean.\nScene Description: Frank Hammond simply blinks.\nCartman: Aaah! Ten dorrah!\nScene Description: Still riding the bull, the crowd cheers on.\nCartman: Ten dollah, soldier boy!\nAnnouncer: She's setting a new world record!\nScene Description: The crowd jumping up and down begin to chant.\nCrowd: Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!\nScene Description: The bull finally bucks Cartman off.\nCartman: Gaaah!\nScene Description: He ends up in the snow, where the bull comes and kicks him like a football.\nCartman: Heeee!\nStan: Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.\nKyle: Go help him, Kenny!\nScene Description: Kenny starts to climb over the fencing into the ring but has second thoughts.\nKenny: (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!)\nScene Description: The bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear.\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nScene Description: A rodeo clown picks Cartman up and carries him off.\nAnnouncer: And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today!\nScene Description: His partner, rather disgusted, taps his mic until it falls.\nAnnouncer: The winner of the bull-riding contest, Ming Li!\nScene Description: The rodeo clown places Cartman in a barrel.\nCartman: Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.\nStan: We did it, dude, we did it!\nScene Description: Kyle smiles. Elsewhere, the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows.\nAgent: Freeze, cows!\nScene Description: The cows look up, startled.\nAgent: The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns!\nScene Description: Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them.\nJimbo: You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!\nAgent: You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer!\nScene Description: Ned opens the back door to the trailer.\nAgent: Move!\nScene Description: The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left, walking away.\nJimbo: Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!\nScene Description: The cow walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them.\nAgent: Oh, dear Jesus, no!\nScene Description: The cow walks off the cliff, where it falls to its death.\nCow: Mooooo!\nJimbo: Nnoo!\nScene Description: The other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one.\nJimbo: They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!\nScene Description: Jimbo weeps into his hands.\nAgent: This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.\nScene Description: South Park Police Station, Tom and Mary still wait in jail. Back at the carnival, the boys walk over to the Toss-A-Ball.\nToss-A-Ball Operator: Oh, you boys are back again, huh?\nStan: Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.\nKyle: How many ball does that get us?\nCartman: [Still Ming Li.] Odline daur shunba shunba?\nToss-A-Ball Operator: Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nKyle: You will?\nStan: Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?\nScene Description: The operator starts tossing down the dolls.\nKyle: We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!\nCartman: Ten dollah? Sucky-sucky?\nKyle: What are we gonna do with them?\nScene Description: Stan begins to answer but before he can, the head of the Terrance doll which he is holding simply falls off.\nStan: We should-\nScene Description: He looks down with Kyle at the head on the ground, horrified.\nKyle: ..What the-?\nStan: Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs!\nScene Description: One of the Phillip doll's legs falls off.\nKyle: After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison, and a small crowd show up.\nOfficer Barbrady: What's all this?\nKyle: Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!\nMr. Garrison: You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!\nFather Maxi: Yeah, and the food is terrible!\nChamber of Farts operator: Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo! What do you expect?\nScene Description: Everyone starts arguing all at once, except Barbrady and the boys.\nOfficer Barbrady: Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?\nTownspeople: Yeah!\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?\nLine ride operator: ..What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans!\nScene Description: The town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch.\nScene Description: One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area.\nMayor McDaniels: You found it! You found the memorial!\nJimbo: Yeah.\nMayor McDaniels: And the cows? Are they all back, too?\nJimbo: They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [Sobs.]\nMayor McDaniels: What?!\nJimbo: Oho, it was awful! [Weeps.] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!\nMayor McDaniels: Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.\nJimbo: [Still sad.] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. God I need a cold beer and a burger.\nScene Description: Jimbo hears the commotion from the nearby crowd and perks up.\nJimbo: What's all the ruckus over there?\nScene Description: He sees the townsfolk beating on the carnival people.\nMayor McDaniels: Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!\nJimbo: Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!\nScene Description: Back at the police station.\nOfficer Barbrady: All right, you damned carnival people. Into jail with- [Voice wavering.] Oooooh?\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady notices the remains of Tom and Mary, who are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats have begun eating parts of them.\nJimbo: Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?\nOfficer Barbrady: [Nervously.] Yeah.\nMayor McDaniels: Didn't we ever release them?\nJimbo: Aw, I forgot all about 'em.\nOfficer Barbrady: Uh me, too.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.\nOfficer Barbrady: I didn't?\nMayor McDaniels: No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.\nOfficer Barbrady: Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.\nScene Description: The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nStan: [With a Terrance doll.] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.\nKyle: [With a Phillip doll.] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.\nCartman: [Arrives, back to normal.] What are you guys doing?\nStan: Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?\nCartman: Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.\nKyle: Really? What about?\nCartman: Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spankin' for several hours.\nScene Description: He notices the Terrance and Phillip dolls.\nCartman: Hey, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?\nStan: Oh-h. Nowhere.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle start giggling.\nCartman: Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!\nKyle: No! Cartman, that was just a dream!\nScene Description: A limousine pulls up and Leonardo DiCaprio is at the window.\nLeonardo DiCaprio: Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle laugh even harder, as the limo drives off.\nCartman: Oh! Son of a bitch!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria. While the boys wait in line for their lunches.\nCartman: [Singing.] Stinky britches, you got stinky britches Stinky, stinky britches, you got stinky-\nKyle: What the hell are you singing, Cartman?\nCartman: This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can't get it out of my head. Stinky britches, you got stinky britches\nMr. Garrison: [Passes by.] Hello, children. Ready for lunch?\nCartman: Stinky britches, you got stinky, stinky-\nMr. Garrison: Eric, is there a problem?\nCartman: Yeah, I can't get this stupid song out of my head.\nMr. Garrison: \"Stinky Britches\" by Alanis Morissette?\nCartman: Yeah. Stinky, stinky britches\nMr. Garrison: Children, did you say hi to Mr. Twig?\nMr. Twig: Hi, boys. How are you?\nKyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?\nMr. Garrison: [Pause.] I told you never say his name in my presence.\nStan: But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.\nKid: Yeah.\nCartman: [Quietly to himself.] Stinky britches, you got stinky-\nMr. Garrison: It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet now-\nKyle: He'd be better used as a coat rack.\nScene Description: Students begin laughing at a dismayed, offended Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: [Livid.] How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison walks off as the boys enter the kitchen.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nBoys: Hey, Chef.\nCartman: You got stinky britches, stinky-\nChef: What did you say?\nKyle: He singing some new hit song.\nChef: Eric, where did you hear that song?\nCartman: It's all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere.\nChef: [Softly.] Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.\nStan: What, dude?\nChef: Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago.\nCartman: You wrote it?\nChef: Yeah. Back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs.\nKyle: Wow, then you should get money for it!\nChef: Aww, I don't want any money. I just like to see my name on the credits, that's all.\nKyle: Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time.\nChef: Well, all right. Maybe I will go. I'll play them my version of the song.\nScene Description: Capitalist Records, California. Chef is playing his song for the record producer.\nChef (recording): Stinky britches, you got those stinky britches.\nChef: So you see, Mr. Big record producer, \"Stinky Britches\" was something I wrote several years ago.\nMr. Big record producer: Hmm... I really so no resemblance between that song and \"Stinky Britches\" by our artist, Alanis Morissette.\nChef: Huh?\nKyle: It's the same goddamn song!\nChef: Now, look, I'm trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!\nMr. Big record producer: I am above the law!\nScene Description: His hair falls forward, and he quickly puts it back into place with Spooge hair gel.\nMr. Big record producer: Mr. Chef, I'm afraid you leave me no alternative. We're going to sue you.\nChef: Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you're gonna sue me?\nMr. Big record producer: Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We'll have the best in the business.\nKyle: We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer!\nCartman: Yeah, and he's Jewish.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, Garrison is watching Alanis Morissette's Stinky Britches music video.\nAlanis Morissette: Stinky, stinky britches, stinky britches\nScene Description: A clattering noise is heard.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Twig, is that you?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison turns off the TV and goes to the kitchen.\nMr. Garrison: Mis-Mr. Twig?\nScene Description: He sees a pot of boiling water and approaches it, then lifts the lid. Mr. Twig is floating around, charred.\nMr. Garrison: Aagghh!! Mr. Twig! No!\nScene Description: He throws the pot to the floor.\nMr. Garrison: Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!\nScene Description: Courthouse, Gerald Broflovski is representing the defense, Chef.\nGerald: Now, just let me do all the talking, Chef. We're gonna bring these bastards down.\nChef: Right.\nScene Description: Judge Moses bangs his gavel.\nJudge Moses: This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?\nGerald: I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski.\nJudge Moses: And representing the prosecution?\nProsecutor: I am, Your Honor.\nScene Description: The Prosecutor is none other that Johnnie Cochran, the spectators gasp at this turn of events.\nGerald: Uh-oh.\nChef: Why \"uh-oh\"?\nGerald: Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran. He's the guy who knocked O.J. off.\nChef: Uh-oh.\nScene Description: Meanwhile at Hell's Pass Hospital, Mr. Garrison bursts through the doors of the ER holding Mr. Twig in a blanket.\nMr. Garrison: I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third-degree burns!\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor and his team turn to him, then rush over. The patient sits up and looks.\nDr. Doctor: Give the child to me.\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor takes the bundle and unfurls the blanket. The doctors draw close to look at Mr. Twig.\nMr. Garrison: [Panicked.] Is he going to be all right, doctor?\nDr. Doctor: Uhhh...\nMr. Garrison: Is he going to live?\nDr. Doctor: [Slowly.] It's a stick.\nMr. Garrison: ...Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight, is he going to be okay?!\nScene Description: Over at Cartman's house, the boys are watching the trial on television.\nReporter: And so on this 15th day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the...day, Johnnie Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is, will Cochran use his famous \"Chewbacca defense\"?\nCartman: What's a \"Chewbacca defense\"?\nKyle: I don't know.\nStan: That's what Cochran used in the O.J. Simpson trial.\nCartman: Goddamn, I hate that Cochran guy! If he was in front of me, I'd be like, \"Hey! You stupid son of a bitch! You- How... How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!\"\nKyle: I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman.\nScene Description: In the courtroom.\nGerald: ...And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you.\nScene Description: One person claps. Gerald goes back to his table.\nGerald: [To Chef] We've got 'em.\nScene Description: Chef grins and gives him a thumbs-up. Judge Moses bangs his gavel.\nJudge Moses: Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing arguments.\nJohnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote \"Stinky Britches\" ten years ago, and they make a good case... hell, I almost felt pity myself. But, ladies and gentlemen, of this supposed jury, I have one, final thing I want you to consider.\nScene Description: Johnnie Cochran walks to a display stand and pulls down the screen.\nJohnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense.\nGerald: Dammit..!\nChef: What?\nGerald: He's using the Chewbacca defense.\nJohnnie Cochran: Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: \"What does this have to do with this case?\" Nothing.\nScene Description: Gerald buries his head in his hands, defeated.\nJohnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.\nJudge Moses: [After a long pause.] O-kay, then.\nScene Description: Back at Cartman's house where the boys are watching.\nCartman: Wow, he's good.\nReporter: In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnnie Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense.\nScene Description: Courtroom sketches show an angry Chef staring at Gerald, Judge Moses holding his gavel, and Cochran in clown-like attire pointing left.\nReporter: Whether or it worked... is up to the jury to decide.\nScene Description: Back in the courtroom.\nJudge Moses: How find you the jury?\nForeman: We find the defendant, Jerome \"Chef\" McElroy... guilty as charged.\nScene Description: The spectators gasp again.\nGerald: Whoops.\nChef: Whoops?!\nJudge Moses: Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty of harassing a major company label. The full fee of two million dollars will be handed over within 24 hours.\nChef: Do I look like I have two million?\nJudge Moses: Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you have to go to jail. For eight million years.\nScene Description: Chef is shocked. The bailiff whispers into the Judge's ear.\nBailiff: Uh, it's actually for four years.\nJudge Moses: Oh, sorry. You'll got to jail for four years.\nChef: This can't be happening..!\nScene Description: Cartman's house. All four boys are shocked at the verdict.\nStan: Oh, no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.\nScene Description: Chef's residence. Everything is being repossessed. Chef is leafing through a \"Memories\" photo album. Mr. Big record producer enters.\nMr. Big record producer: And that chair, too. I want that chair.\nChef: Hey, that's my favorite chair!\nMr. Big record producer: You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that water cooler, too.\nStan: Hello there, Chef.\nChef: Hey, children.\nKyle: What's going on?\nChef: Children, that record company guy is takin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with two million, I'm going to jail.\nStan: Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up.\nKyle: Yeah. Ready, Cartman?\nCartman: Ready.\nScene Description: Cartman removes his jacket and steps forward, in lederhosen. Oompa music plays.\nCartman: I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la I hope my will enjoy my dance Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay Would you like some sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut-\nChef: Okay, okay, children, thank you very much. I feel much better.\nStan: You do?\nChef: Sure. Just please stop.\nCartman: [Putting his coat back on.] See? I told you guys it would work.\nKyle: What's that, dude?\nChef: This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock business.\nKyle: Did you ever know any famous people?\nChef: Did I? Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John... I got to travel all around the world, hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women.\nScene Description: One photograph shows Chef laying shirtless on a bed of hay in a lucrative position, with a goat standing next to him. The caption under it reads, \"Germany\".\nCartman: What's that?\nChef: Nothing.\nScene Description: Chef quickly turns the page.\nChef: Anyway-\nMr. Big record producer: Take this, too.\nScene Description: Mr. Big record producer takes Chef's photo album.\nChef: Hey! That has no monetary value! What the hell are you taking that for?!\nMr. Big record producer: I can take whatever I want.\nChef: But I have 24 hours to come up with your money! That's the law!\nMr. Big record producer: I am above the law!\nScene Description: Mr. Big record producer's hair falls in his face again. He smears it back up with more Spooge.\nMr. Big record producer: I told you not to mess with me.\nChef: That does it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna raise that two million, but I'm not going to use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself and sue you!\nMr. Big record producer: [Gasps.] You wouldn't.\nChef: Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Twig lies in bed, a portrait of Leonardo DiCaprio on the wall.\nMr. Garrison: I brought you some more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? [Sighs.] I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever. [Senses something wrong.] Mist-Mr. Twig... are you okay? Mist-Mr. Twig..?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison pulls the covers back.\nMr. Garrison: Aaaggghhh!!\nScene Description: Mr. Twig is broken in half!\nMr. Garrison: Who did this?!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison shouts outside through the bedroom window.\nMr. Garrison: You won't get away with this, you bastards!\nScene Description: Chef's house, Chef is on the phone.\nChef: Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. [Hangs up.] Well, Johnnie Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal fee, $2 million.\nStan: Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money? They're rich.\nChef: Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.\nKyle: You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you.\nScene Description: Chef starts searching his closet for a coat.\nChef: I appreciate that, children, but raising $2 million is not an easy thing to do.\nScene Description: Chef finds the coat he's looking for.\nChef: My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town.\nScene Description: The boys Chef as he goes to the front door.\nChef: Wish me luck, children.\nScene Description: He leaves, closing the door.\nStan: We've gotta help him, dude.\nKyle: Yeah, b-but how?\nStan: Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!\nScene Description: Live-action footage show an American Airlines plane taking off.\nScene Description: Somewhere in England. The boys, with Cartman carrying a box of candy, are approaching a mansion.\nKyle: Whoa, dude, this house is huge.\nStan: Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass.\nCartman: No, it isn't, you guys.\nScene Description: They ring the doorbell.\nButler: Can I help you?\nCartman: We're trying to raise money for our friend, Chef.\nScene Description: Cartman rifles through the box of candy.\nCartman: Would you like a Moon Crunchie or a Snacky Cake?\nKyle: Are you Elton John?\nBulter: No, I'm one of his butlers.\nKyle: Oh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for? Come on, guys.\nScene Description: They go inside and find him in his closet, dressed in a 1970's concert outfit, with star shaped glasses.\nHi, are you Elton John?: Dialog\nElton John: Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know.\nKyle: We're trying to raise money for our school chef.\nCartman: We have Chocolate Nuggies and S'more Crunchies...\nElton John: I'm sorry, but I'm not a big candy bar fan.\nCartman: What?!\nStan: Could you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really-\nElton John: Chef? You mean Chef-Chef?\nKyle: Yeah, dude.\nStan: Wow, you remember him?\nElton John: Of course. I haven't seen him for so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.\nScene Description: Flashback, 1973, \"The Small Bar\".\nElton John: I was a struggling musician who couldn't get a break.\nElton John: Oh, oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine. Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl\nMan: Boo!\nScene Description: The audience starts throwing food and bottles at him, he goes backstage.\nChef: Hey, Elton, don't feel so down, baby. Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up.\nElton John: Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing.\nChef: Look, Elton, you are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics.\nElton John: I really thought I had it this time with \"Cheddar Cheese Girl\".\nChef: What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who's working at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.\nElton John: That's a great idea!\nChef: And, Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads? You know, some slick glasses and shit.\nScene Description: Back in the present.\nElton John: And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never have had a career in music.\nStan: So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?\nElton John: Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.\nCartman: Three Crispy Yum Yums.\nStan: Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?\nElton John: Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide rights, [Rushing.] including-but-not-limited-to-Asian-territories, with-a-twenty-percent-commission-from-all-domestic-sales, and-sole-ownership-of-any-and-all-publishing.\nStan: [Unsure.] 'Kay.\nElton John: Tell Chef I said hi.\nStan: Thanks, dude.\nKyle: Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, Chef is in bed with Sheila who is having a post-coitus cigarette.\nSheila: Oy..! Thank you, Chef.\nChef: No problem, Ms. Broflovski. Uhh, now, about that hundred bucks?\nSheila: Oh, of course!\nScene Description: She reaches into a drawer and hands him the money.\nSheila: Here you go.\nScene Description: Chef gets up to go.\nSheila: Leaving so soon?\nChef: I have a loooooong way to go to raise the kind of money I need.\nScene Description: Chef leaves.\nSheila: Well, best of luck to you, then.\nScene Description: Gerald walks in excited.\nGerald: How was it, honey?\nSheila: Pretty much what I expected.\nScene Description: The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys now pull a red cart with a large cardboard thermometer demonstrating how much they've raised. The door opens.\nStan: Hello, are you Meat Loaf?\nMeat Loaf: Yeah. What the hell do you want?\nCartman: Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend.\nKyle: He's not dying, Cartman!\nCartman: [Whispers.] Shut your goddamn mouth. [To Meat Loaf.] We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars-\nMeat Loaf: What's this for?\nStan: Our friend, Chef.\nMeat Loaf: Chef's in trouble?\nKyle: Yeah. Do you know him?\nMeat Loaf: Do I?\nScene Description: Flashback, The Pit. \"Now Performing: Cous-Cous\".\nCous-Cous: Nobody came again.\nChef: There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you just need to change your image.\nCous-Cous: What do you mean?\nChef: Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong beefy name.\nCous-Cous: Beefy? Like, uhh... Tri-tip!\nChef: That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.\nScene Description: Back to present day.\nMeat Loaf: I owe everything to Chef.\nStan: Wow! So you'll help him?\nMeat Loaf: You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums and a couple of Berry Bars.\nBoys: Cool!\nScene Description: Crabtree residence. Chef is in bed with Veronica Crabtree.\nVeronica Crabtree: All right, let's get this show on the road! Come here, baby!\nChef: Uh-uh, hold on a second, Veronica Crabtree. How would you like to use some... sex toys?\nVeronica Crabtree: Sex toys? Like what?\nChef: Like this very special device.\nScene Description: Chef brings out a brown paper sack.\nChef: I call it \"Chef's pleasure bag\".\nVeronica Crabtree: How does it work?\nChef: Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.\nVeronica Crabtree: Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot.\nScene Description: She drops a bit, and Chef places the bag on her head.\nChef: Ahh, yeah. That's much better.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, when the boys meet Rick James at his residence.\nRick James: Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-Numbers.\nKyle: Gosh, thanks, Rick James.\nStan: Yeah, thanks. [To Kyle as they walk away.] That's $35. Come on, you guys, we've gotta hurry and give this money to Chef!\nScene Description: [City Hall. Chef and Mayor McDaniels are in her bed.\nMayor McDaniels: Ohh, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show.\nChef: [Exhausted.] I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, come on, buck up, little fella.\nChef: I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.\nMayor: Sure you are, Chef. I'll give a hundred more for another romp.\nScene Description: Chef collapses to the floor.\nMayor McDaniels: Aw, hell!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, Officer Barbrady enters.\nMr. Garrison: Thank you for coming, Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: What's this all about?\nMr. Garrison: These pictures just arrived. [Opens envelope.] I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed. [Pulls out the pictures.] Now, go arrest him!\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady looks at them, then at Garrison. Garrison looks at them, then softly.\nMr. Garrison: What?\nOfficer Barbrady: Can I go now?\nMr. Garrison: Yes-Yes, I'm sorry.\nOfficer Barbrady: [Leaves.] Weirdo.\nMr. Garrison: [Examining the pictures] It can't be. These can't be right.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison walks to the guest closet and opens the door. He looks inside, and gasps loudly.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!\nScene Description: Chef's house. With three police cars already there, the boys arrive just in time. Inside, Chef is being cuffed by two police officers.\nStan: Wait! Wait! What are you doing?\nChef: It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to hire Johnnie Cochran. Now I have to go to jail.\nStan: No, you don't!\nChef: Huh?\nKyle: We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.\nChef: Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?\nKyle: Cartman?\nScene Description: Cartman is standing by the wagon with the cardboard thermometer of their earnings.\nCartman: Well, you can see here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2 million goal illustrated hyeeah.\nChef: [Dejected.] Oh.\nKyle: But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?\nChef: I made about $410,300, but-\nMr. Big record producer: That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!\nStan: You can't take Chef's money! It's illeg-!\nMr. Big record producer: I am above the law!\nScene Description: His hair falls into his face again, which he quickly fixes.\nOfficer: All right, you, it's time to go.\nChef: Goodbye, children. Thanks for all your help.\nOfficer: Let's go.\nScene Description: The officer hits Chef with a baton.\nChef: Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!\nOfficer: I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine.\nScene Description: The officers lead him out, continuing to hit him.\nChef: Ow! Ow!\nKyle: Dude... Chef is gone.\nStan: No more Chef.\nCartman: [Voice breaking.] No more Salisbury steak and... pecan pie. [He starts sobbing.]\nStan: We can't let him down, you guys.\nStan: Dude, it's over. He's gone.\nStan: No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?\nCartman: Four.\nKyle: But what are we gonna do?\nStan: It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.\nKyle: Chef Aid?\nStan: Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German Dance. Then we charge people for tickets.\nKyle: Hey, that's a great idea!\nCartman: Yeah!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. He paces back and forth in front of Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison is in his underwear, Mr. Hat is seated in the armchair.\nMr. Garrison: Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison grabs him.\nMr. Garrison: I'm not going to take you back.\nScene Description: He takes Mr. Hat to his front door and throws him into the street.\nMr. Garrison: You can just go to hell! You go to hell and you die!\nScene Description: He walks out into the street.\nMr. Garrison: You are a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's neighbors begin to congregate.\nMr. Garrison: ...I hope you starve, you lousy son of a bitch!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison notices the crowd watching him. Officer Barbrady walks up to him.\nMr. Garrison: What are you all looking at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat.\nDr. Doctor: It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We had enough.\nMr. Garrison: What do you mean?\nBarbrady: I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake.\nMr. Garrison: What? Jail?\nScene Description: The boys have set up a very small stage upon which a banner reads, \"Chef Aid\". Cartman is back to his song and dance.\nCartman: I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la\nScene Description: A couple approaches the stand, bewildered.\nCartman: I hope my will enjoy my dance,\nScene Description: The couple leave.\nCartman: Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay\nKyle: Hmm... This isn't going over so well.\nStan: [To Kyle.] Cartman just needs to put more into it. [To Cartman] Dance better, Cartman!\nCartman: [Faster.] Would you like sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut, Fräulein Setski.\nScene Description: A white limousine pulls up.\nElton John: Howdy ho, boys.\nStan: Elton John! What are you doing here?\nElton John: It occurred to me that you might need some more help raising money for Chef.\nStan: Boy, do we!\nElton John: So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over.\nScene Description: More limos quickly arrive.\nKyle: Wow, cool!\nElton John: I see you've got a stage all set up for us.\nStan: Yeah, dude, it's all yours.\nElton John: Then, let's rock and roll! Or something similar.\nCartman and Kenny: Hooray!\nScene Description: South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same cell.\nMr. Garrison: ...And Mr. Twig is at home, he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.\nChef: You finally snapped, huh, Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: What?\nChef: Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personality schizophrenic jeebies.\nMr. Garrison: [Pause.] I warn you, Chef, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell.\nChef: What?!\nScene Description: Chef Aid. The stage is now larger, and has a PA system, drums, floodlights, and spotlights.\nTeen MC: Okay, thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?!\nScene Description: Five people in the audience stand around, motionless.\nTeen MC: Whoo!\nScene Description: No response.\nTeen MC: All right, let's get things going with... Rancid! [Moves offstage and squeaks.] Ran-cid!\nScene Description: Rancid takes the stage.\nRancid: California sun has sunk\nScene Description: The five people in the audience immediately jump up and down very rapidly.\nRancid: Behind the Anaheim Hills, here it comes tonight\nScene Description: Lots of people start purchasing tickets.\nRancid: I was hiiiiiigh on junk-\nScene Description: South Park Police Dept. A short while later.\nMr. Garrison: [Emotionless.] You're still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me in this prison cell, are you, Chef?\nChef: No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!\nMr. Garrison: That's good.\nScene Description: Something pulls the cell wall apart, and the window falls, leaving a large opening.\nChef: What the?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, boy, we're free!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison and Chef walk out to a truck.\nMr. Garrison: Wow, what a daring rescue.\nScene Description: He opens the driver's door.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!\nScene Description: Chef is confused.\nMr. Garrison: Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.\nChef: How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?\nScene Description: Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now a large, cheering crowd.\nRick James: [Vocalizing] Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm\nTeen MC: Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!\nRick James: God bless you, Chef!\nTeen MC: And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Whoo!\nScene Description: Primus is on stage in large duck outfits.\nLes Claypool: We're damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man.\nScene Description: Primus begins to play. Someone holds up a poster saying, \"We Love Chef\". Mr. Mackey is being crowd surfing atop the crowd.\nMr. Mackey: Whooaa..!\nScene Description: Mr. Big record producer walks up to the boys.\nMr. Big record producer: What are you bastards doing?\nKyle: We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran to sue you!\nCartman: Yeah! Now get out of here before I kick you in the nuts!\nMr. Big record producer: Oh, yeah? We'll just see about this!\nTeen MC: And now, here's Joe Strummer! Whoo!\nJoe Strummer: You know, when The Clash were on tour and we lost the beat, Chef would be like at the side of the stage going, \"Don't forget, pump your loins, children.\" You know, that was like his motto or something.\nTeen MC: Whoo!\nJoe Strummer: Well, it's a rockin' world Make no mistake about it\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison and Chef pull up.\nJoe Strummer: It's a shocking world\nScene Description: Chef exits, surprised.\nJoe Strummer: Could be what's so great about it It's a rockin' world...\nChef: What the hell is this?\nScene Description: The music stops, and the crowd turns to face him.\nEveryone: Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!\nStan: Wow! How'd you get out of jail, Chef?\nChef: Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?\nKyle: Well, we helped.\nStan: We're gonna raise your money, Chef.\nChef: I don't believe it!\nScene Description: Mr. Big record producer crawls under the stage with a saw.\nMr. Big record producer: We'll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.\nScene Description: He starts sawing at one of the stage supports, laughing cruelly.\nTeen MC: And now, here he is TV's Ozzy Osbourne!\nOzzy Osbourne: We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has touched our lives in the past.\nScene Description: Johnnie Cochran is now in the crowd listening.\nOzzy Osbourne: I remember when I was just starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said, \"Bite the head off a bat\", so I did. And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go crazyyy!\nScene Description: Music starts and crowd roars.\nOzzy Osbourne: Ain't nowhere to run!\nScene Description: Mr. Big record producer is still sawing.\nOzzy Osbourne: Ain't nowhere to hide!\nScene Description: Ozzy picks up Kenny and bites into his head.\nOzzy Osbourne: Aarrggghhh!!!\nKenny: (All right dude, let me go now!)\nScene Description: Ozzy looks up with a bloody mouth, and Kenny's head is missing. The music dies down.\nStan: Oh, my God! Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's head off!\nKyle: You bastard!\nTeen MC: And now here's Ween!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers. The band members, Dean and Gene are wearing \"I'm in Ween\" tees.\nDean Ween: We're thrilled to be part of Chef Aid.\nGene Ween: Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.\nDean Ween: No, dude, that was Steve's idea.\nGene Ween: Oh. Then who's Chef?\nDean Ween: I don't know, dude. I thought you knew him.\nGene Ween: Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!\nWeen: Many colors in the homo rainbow Don't be afraid to let your colors shine shiiiiiiiiiiine\nScene Description: Out in the crowd, Mr. Garrison has both Mr. Hat, and Mr. Twig.\nMr. Garrison: Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still going to stick with you.\nMr. Twig: [In a French accent.] Did you love him?\nMr. Garrison: It doesn't matter. He left me.\nMr. Twig: Did you love him?\nMr. Garrison: Yes.\nMr. Twig: Then run to him.\nMr. Garrison: But I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.\nMr. Twig: Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. If we could decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.\nMr. Garrison: I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison tosses Mr. Twig away, and pulls out Mr. Hat, and smiles.\nTeen MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoo!\nScene Description: The crowd cheers.\nElton John: Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a very special little boy. I have no idea what his name is, but who the hell cares? Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend.\nScene Description: He starts playing as the crowd cheers.\nElton John: Wake up, Wendy!\nScene Description: Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan, who smiles back.\nElton John: Smell the coffee...\nKyle: Hey, that's your song for Wendy!\nCartman: Ha-ha, you're a wuss.\nScene Description: Stan punches Cartman. Mr. Big record producer is still sawing, finally getting through and the stage tilts slightly, with Elton John still playing. The lights short out and the audience is stunned.\nProducer: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win! You lose! Chef Aid is over, and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I win!\nNarrator: And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say...\nScene Description: A little x-ray panel comes up and shows Cochran's heart.\nNarrator: Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day.\nScene Description: His heart grows in size and bursts through the panel, which then disappears.\nJohnnie Cochran: Wait! [Walks to Chef.] Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I like to take up your case, free of charge!\nChef: You will?\nJohnnie Cochran: I will.\nScene Description: Everyone cheers.\nProducer: No!\nJohnnie Cochran: We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.\nProducer: [Dropping to his knees.] Noooooooo!\nScene Description: Courthouse. Cochran now represents Chef, and the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among the spectators.\nJohnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef. I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen, this...\nScene Description: He pulls down his display.\nJohnnic Cochran: ...is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!\nScene Description: Johnnie Cochran now holds up a monkey.\nJohnnie Cochran: Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey.\nScene Description: A juror chokes a bit, then his head explodes.\nScene Description: Outside. The courthouse entrance opens, and Chef emerges with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman behind him. Reporters gather around him.\nReporter: Chef, how does it feel to be a free man and finally have your name credited on the song, \"Stinky Britches\"?\nChef: It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I want to thank the children.\nReporter: So, what are you gonna do now?\nChef: Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday. And means tomorrow is tuna casserole day.\nStan Kyle and Cartman: Hooray!\nScene Description: End of Chef Aid. Chef's version of \"Stinky Britches\" plays through closing credits."}
{"text": "Announcer: The following program is brought to you in spooky vision. Be warned: all scenes will be accompanied by pictures of Barbra Streisand.\nScene Description: A scream is heard and the Halloween/Pinkeye opening sequence is shown.\nScene Description: Outer Space. A alien ship descends, and then turns towards Earth, headed for the western U.S. As it enters the atmosphere it begins to burn. It slows down and hovers over a road, then lands gently. A door opens like a camera lens, and an alien drops down. As soon as he moves, a tire crushes him. Judging by the size of the tire, the alien was 18 to 24 inches tall. The tire is that of the South Park Elementary school bus, which stops to let the boys off. Then it pulls away.\nStan: I wonder why Cartman wasn't in school today.\nKyle: He probably just ditched to avoid that spelling test.\nCartman: Hey guys. How's it going?\nScene Description: Cartman now has a full goatee. Kyle and Stan laugh.\nKyle: Uh, nice costume, dude. Who are you supposed to be? Luke Perry?\nStan: Cartman, how come you weren't in school today?\nKyle: Did you eat too many pork rinds last night?\nScene Description: Kyle and Stan laugh again.\nCartman: You guys, you're so funny. No matter how I'm feeling, I can always count on you guys to lighten me up.\nStan: What?\nCartman: I had to stay home because my mother wasn't feeling well. She has the flu, and I wanted to take care of the house so she could stay in bed\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle stand there shocked.\nCartman: I just wanted to catch you guys to see if we were assigned any homework tonight.\nKyle: What the hell are you talking about, Cartman?!\nStan: Stop screwing around, dude. We're all gonna go meet at the store later to buy pumpkins to carve.\nCartman: [Excited.] Oooh, then we can enter the carving contest! I'll run home and get money from Mother. Do you guys need some, too?\nScene Description: Cartman and the boys look at each other.\nStan: Dude, this is creepy.\nScene Description: Stan's house. Stan walks in to find Sharon and someone new.\nSharon: Stanley? Look who's here. Aunt Flo.\nScene Description: An elderly woman with glasses who has two gifts wrapped up next to her.\nAunt Flo: Hello, Stanley. Remember me?\nStanley: [Flatly.] Hi, Aunt Flo.\nScene Description: Stan hesitates to enter, Aunt Flo begins to tremble.\nSharon: Now, Stanley! Aunt Flo only visits once a month. Be nice.\nAunt Flo: Hey, Stanley. I brought you and Shelly presents.\nStan: Wow, really?! Hey, I love Aunt Flo!\nScene Description: He rushes in, Shelly turning up as well.\nAunt Flo: Okay, Shelly. This one's for you.\nScene Description: Shelly opens up the larger box and it expands out into.\nAunt Flo: It's a television/CD player/surround sound home theater.\nStan: Wow!\nSharon: What do you say, Shelly?\nShelly: Thank you, Aunt Flo.\nSharon: Okay, Stanley. Your turn.\nScene Description: Stan opens up his box and reaches in.\nAunt Flo: Your very own fish.\nSharon: What do you say, Stanley?\nStan: I don't know.\nScene Description: Stan and the fish look at each other. Stan shows some fear.\nAunt Flo: [Softly.] I think he likes you. [Normal.] Come on Shelly. Let's hook up your home theater.\nShelly: Okay.\nScene Description: Shelly follows her aunt out.\nSharon: How do you like your fish, Stanley?\nStan: I don't like it. It's spooky.\nSharon: Oh, now, what's spooky about a cute, little goldfish? Go put him in your room.\nStan: Do I have to?\nSharon: Yes, you do!\nStan: Damn it!\nScene Description: Stan walks off with the goldfish.\nSharon: Language!\nScene Description: A different Barbra picture zooms out from the center of the screen. Next: the bus stop. Kyle is already there.\nKyle: Where have you been, dude?\nStan: Dude, my mom's having her monthly visitor.\nKyle: Aunt Flo?\nStan: Yeah. Every time she shows up my mom turns into a total bitch.\nKyle: Where is Cartman? He said he was gonna bring money for us to buy a pumpkin.\nStan: Yeah, I wonder why he's being so nice.\nKyle: Here he comes.\nStan: Hey, Cartman! Did you bring us money from your mom?\nCartman: [clean-shaven] Heh! Yeah, right! You guys could kiss my black ass!\nKyle: You said you could get us money, Cartman!\nCartman: Man, you guys are hella stupid! If I had money, I wouldn't give it to you assholes!\nKyle: Well, at least he's back to normal.\nStan: Yeah, but we can't get a pumpkin, so we can't enter the carving contest!\nKyle: It's okay. Kenny said he'd get one.\nCartman: Oh, how's Kenny gonna get one?! He's hella poor!\nStan: Why do you keep saying \"hella\", fatass?!\nCartman: 'Cause I'm hella cool, that's why.\nKyle: That's not cool!\nCartman: You guys are just hella jealous.\nScene Description: Night time, storm. Stan's house. Randy is about to turn off the light in Stan's room.\nRandy: Good night, Stanley. We'll uh see you in the morning.\nStan: Can you leave the light on, Dad?\nRandy: Well, it has to be off, or your Aunt Flo will complain about wasting electricity.\nStan: I wish Aunt Flo didn't have to visit now.\nRandy: Yeah, me too. But she only visits your mom for five days or so. I'll be out sleeping on the couch. [turns the light off and closes the door].\nScene Description: 'In the darkness, Stan pulls the covers close and looks at the fish. They stare at each other, and the fish blows a bubble. Stan turns away, then looks back. The fish just looks at him. Stan then turns towards the window and begins to fall asleep, until lightning startles him upright. He looks at the tank. The fish is gone!'\nStan: Where did it go? [he lifts the covers and looks under the bed, then sits back. The fish swims back into view.] Huhhh. [he gets out, picks up his shirt, and throws it over the tank. He goes back to bed and looks at the tank again.]\nScene Description: '[Kenny's house. Rain is dripping in all over the ceiling as pails collect the water. Kenny, Kevin and Mom share a blanket on the sofa while Stuart sits in the armchair.]'\nKenny: (Give me that-!) [pulls the blanket off Kevin]\nCarol: Kenny [paf]\nKenny: (Ow, mom!)\nCarol: You share that blanket with your brother! [knock knock knock]\nStuart: Who the hell could that be? [the front door opens and the family looks to see who it is].\nCartman: [with mustache and beard, and dressed in raingear] Hi there, folks! This is a heck of a storm out now! Thought maybe you could use some provisions. [a box of SUPPLIES is next to him. The parents look at each other] There's some candles and food in there. It ain't much, but it should get you through the night. Take care, folks. I've got other houses to get to. [walks off].\nStuart: [suspicious] Kenny, wasn't that your fat, racist, foul-mouthed friend, Eric Cartman?\nKenny: (Uh huh.)\nScene Description: 'Stan's house. He gets up once again to look at the tank, but the shirt is not on it anymore.'\nStan: Hey. Where did the shirt go? [hops off and approaches the fish] I covered you with a shirt! Where did it go?! [the fish blinks, then looks down and to the right. Stan's eyes follow, and he sees the shirt.] AAAaAaAaAa [runs back to his bed and pulls the covers up, then drops them a bit. He looks at the fish] I'm not gonna look. [shuts his eyes, then opens them again. The fish tank, and the dresser it's on, are closer to the bed] It's not closer. I'm just seeing things. [shuts his eyes again, then opens them. The tank and dresser are at the foot of his bed] GAAAH! [shuts his eyes tight, and opens them one more time. The fish tank is now on the bed, between his feet] AAAAAAAH!! [he jumps off, runs to his door, and rushes into the hallway] MOM! Mom! [comes back to the room with her in tow]\nSharon: Stanley, settle down!\nStan: Look. He's gonna kill me, Mom!\nAunt Flo: [at the door] Is there a problem? [walks to Sharon]\nSharon: Uh, no problem, Aunt Flo.\nAunt Flo: Do you not like your goldfish?\nStan: No!\nAunt Flo: I'm sorry. I'm a bad aunt. [buries her face in her hand and begins to sob.]\nSharon: There, there, Aunt Flo. Stanley loves his goldfish. [he merely looks up at them]\nScene Description: '1:25 a.m. Stan is under the covers looking at the spooky fish. After a long while, the fish turns around and starts writing something on the tank wall with his tail. Stan gets out of bed for a closer look. The fish finishes writing and turns to blow on the wall. A gray area appears and the word \"KILL\" appears within it.'\nStan: AAAAAAAAH! [runs back to bed]\nSharon: [enters his room and turns on the lights] Stanley, what are you doing?!\nStan: [pointing] The fish! [nothing is left of the writing on the tank wall] But-\nSharon: Stanley, I'm in no mood for this! Not when your Aunt Flo is in town! Oh, look, you woke your sister up. [Shelly stands in front of Sharon, then approaches Stan and slaps him, then leaves the room] Go to sleep, Stanley! [turns off the light and closes the door behind her.]\nScene Description: 'Stan gets back into bed and pulls the covers up. Another flash of lighting gets Stan to sit up again. He looks at the tank again, then gets out of bed for a closer look, failing to notice the growing pool of blood next to him. The fish again looks down and to the right, and Stan's eyes follow.'\nStan: [gasps. A man lies dead between the tank and the bed] WAAAAAAAH! Mooomm!\nSharon: All right, Stanley. I have had enough o- [freezes when she sees the body, then, quivering] Oh, Stanley, what have you done, baby? What have you done?? [rushes to comfort him]\nStan: Mom, I was just sleeping. And the next thing I knew-\nSharon: [covers his mouth with her arm, then quietly] Sshhh. It's okay, honey. It's okay. I've got such a good boy, Mommy's little angel. [kisses him and gets up] Now, don't worry, Stanley. Mommy's going to hide the body. [starts to drag it away] Nobody's going to take my baby away. I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy. [she drags the body out of the room and out into the storm. Stan just looks at her]\nStan: [turns to the fish] You're not gonna get away with this! [the fish writes again, blows, and the message is: \"Yes I Will.\"]\nScene Description: '[Stan walks over to the window and sees his mom digging a grave next to the body. She then places the body in the grave and covers it up. She returns with the shovel to the kitchen and closes the door behind her.]'\nAunt Flo: [her silhouette appears] Sharon!\nSharon: D'uh! Aunt Flo, what are you doing up?!\nAunt Flo: Look at you, with your little shovel. Just like when you were twelve.\nStan: [sees Sharon pass by] Mom, what are you doing?\nSharon: Sshh. It's going to be okay, Stanley.\nStan: Mom, do you think I killed that guy? It was the fish! He says I'm next!\nScene Description: The fish blinks and blows a bubble.\nSharon: [enters the room] Now get some sleep, baby. Mommy's taken care of everything.\nStan: But MOM!\nSharon: [Cradles Stan] Sshh. Hush little baby, don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mockin' bird. If that mockin' bird don't sing, Momma's gonna bury it in the backyard\nScene Description: '[8 a.m., next day. A rooster crows and Stan's clock farts. Stan wakes up and looks at the tank. The fish is still there. Stan hops off the bed and walks to the tank, but is stopped by another body.]'\nStan: MMOOMM!\nSharon: [frantic] What is it, honey? [gasp!] My baby's killed again!\nStan: [points at the body, then holds up his hands] No, mom!\nSharon: [holds him tight] What are we gonna do, baby? What are we gonna do?? [the fish looks on. Sharon drags the body out] I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy.\nScene Description: Stan then stands at the window. As he looks out, a reflection of Sharon burying the body is seen on the window pane.\nScene Description: '[Almost 8 p.m., Kyle's house. Kyle and Cartman are at table when Kenny comes in]'\nKyle: It's about time, Kenny! Did you bring the pumpkin?\nKenny: (Uh huh!)\nCartman: Well, where is it? [Kenny brings out a squash and sets it on the table] What the hell is that?!\nKenny: (It's the only thing I could afford.)\nCartman: It's all you could afford?! Whoever heard of a squash-o-lantern, Kenny?! That's hella stupid!\nKyle: Stop saying \"hella,\" Cartman! [to Kenny] How are we gonna win the contest with a squash? [as Kyle says this Stan enters the room] Whoa, Stan. You don't look so good.\nStan: [squeezes into Kyle's chair so both fit. Cartman walks to Kenny's chair] I haven't been sleeping so well.\nCartman: [cuts the top off the squash and taps at the bottom to clear it out. Sigh] God, I hate you, Kenny. [works on the squash some more] I have to get another knife; this one's hella dull! [goes into the kitchen for another one]\nKyle: God, will you shut up?!\nStan: Kyle, you know how some people are, like, murderers and stuff?\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: Do you think animals can be murderers, too?\nKyle: I don't know. [the bearded Cartman comes in with a huge knife] Oh, great. He's got that stupid beard on again.\nCartman: [gives Kenny a hand] No, Kenny. You should cut with the blade facing away from you. You're gonna hurt yourself. Seriously, dude. Isn't this fun, you guys? Carving pumpkins for Halloween? You guys are my best friends Through thick and thin, we've always been together We're four of a kind, havin' fun all day Pallin' around and laughin' away Just best friends, best friends are we. I love you guys. [throughout the song, Kyle and Stan look on with awe]\nScene Description: Next day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the bus stop. A picture of Barbra in curls is now on all four corners.\nKyle: You seem tired, Stan.\nStan: I haven't been sleeping well.\nKyle: Why?\nStan: My pet goldfish killed another random person last night.\nKyle: Hoh, that sucks, dude.\nCartman: Hey, dudes. Man, it's hella cold out here.\nKyle: Cartman?\nCartman: Who'd you expect? Maury Povich? Golly, you're hella lame!\nStan: What are you doing?!\nCartman: What do you mean, what am I doing?! I'm just standing here. Jesus, mellow out, you guys.\nKyle: You can't be standing there, Cartman.\nCartman: Why the hell not?!\nKyle: Because you're standing over there!\nScene Description: Kenny looks at the bearded Cartman.\nCartman: [seeing his parallel for the first time] Aaah! Son of a bitch!\nEvil Cartman: [Cartman walks to him] Wow, you don't see this every day.\nCartman: I can't believe what I'm seeing.\nEvil Cartman: It's like I'm looking in a mirror.\nCartman: Dude, this is hella weird.\nScene Description: Sunrise, Stan's house. Officer Barbrady approaches the front door, humming. [He rings the bell]'\nSharon: [answering] Oh. Uh-Officer Barbrady, Woo, wh-what a surprise. What can I do for you?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, there's been a report of a few missing people.\nSharon: Is that so?\nOfficer Barbrady: Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering if you had seen any of them. [show her some pictures of the missing men]\nSharon: I'd never seen any of those men, Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: No, I didn't think so. Mind if I look around the back yard, though?\nSharon: [somewhat alarmed] Why would you wanna do that?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, I'm checking everyone's back yards. Missing people usually turn up hiding in someone's bushes. May I? [Sharon moves aside and Barbrady enters. They head for the back yard, where five fresh graves await around the clubhouse, and Sparky is pulling a leg out of one of them. Sparky pulls it free and walks away with it] Well, this all looks in- [clunk] oh? Tennis anyone? [falls to the floor unconscious. Sharon had hit him with a pan]\nScene Description: The fourth image of Barbra zooms out and back with a scream, and Sharon is now in the basement.\nSharon: Nobody's going to take my baby away from me! Nobody!\nOfficer Barbrady: [missing his pants and shoes, his wrists are tied to posts] Okay, Mrs. Marsh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. The boys are in the kitchen for their food.\nChef: [excited] Hello there, children! [he is dressed as an African chieftain, complete with reebock skull]\nThe Boys: Hey, Chef.\nChef: All ready for our Halloween lunch? Today I've got spooooooky spaghetti, with freeeeeaky French fries.\nKyle: Uh, Chef?\nChef: Or haaauuunted hash browns.\nKyle: Chef.\nChef: And a creeeeeepy cookie, and moooooonstrous milk!\nKyle: Chef.\nChef: And a teeeeerrifying napkin!\nKyle: Chef!\nChef: What?!\nKyle: We have problems!\nChef: Well, what's the first problem?\nStan: Chef, I have a goldfish that keeps killing people.\nChef: Oh. Well, uh, don't worry, Stan. I'm sure it'll work out. Now, what's the other problem? [Kyle points to Cartman, but now there are two of him. They blink together.] Oh, nohoho. [rubs his eyes] Oh, DEAR GOD, NO!\nScene Description: Cafeteria dining area. The five boys and Chef are sitting at a table.\nCartman: ...and them I saw them all at the bus stop, and this son of a bitch is standing there!\nEvil Cartman: I'm sorry I caused so much trouble. This is all very strange to me, too.\nChef: Exactly what do you remember?\nEvil Cartman: Well, I was just standing around, and Stan and Kyle were being really mean, as usual, and Kenny had just bought a new car.\nChef: Of course! That's it!\nStan: What?\nChef: Don't you see, children? This Cartman is from an evil, parallel universe where everything exists as its opposite!\nCartman: He's my evil twin? But he doesn't even look that much like me; he's all fat and stuff. He's hella lying.\nKyle: Will you stop saying that word?!\nStan: Of course! My pet goldfish must be from the evil, opposite universe, too!\nChef: Children, somewhere in South Park, something has created a door to the evil, parallel universe!\nEvil Cartman: This is amazing! I can't believe how nice you are, Chef.\nChef: How do you mean?\nEvil Cartman: In my world, you're a skinny, white insurance salesman.\nScene Description: Chef's jaw drops.\nScene Description: Stan's house, daytime. The boys enter the living room and Stan places his fish on a small desk next to the sofa. Aunt Flo greets them.\nAunt Flo: [shaking] Ooh, hello, boys. I'm Stan's Aunt Flo.\nKyle: Whoa! What's wrong with your head?! Why are you shaking like that?\nStan: [taps Kyle, then softly] Dude, that's not cool. She's got Parkinson's disease.\nCartman: Ey, sweet! [hops on her lap] Sweeeeeet! Check it out, guys; you don't even have to put a quarter in her.\nStan: Cartman!\nCartman: Dude, this is hella cool.\nStan: Aunt Flo, where did you get this goldfish?\nAunt Flo: Nn-oh. [Cartman hops off and rejoins the boys] I got it from the pet store, Stanley.\nStan: Do you remember what pet store?\nAunt Flo: Let's see. I believe it was called \"The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store,\" just outside of town.\nStan: Where?\nAunt Flo: I know I have the address written down somewhere. [Stan turns and takes Kyle aside] Let me look.\nStan: That's it, dude. We've gotta take the spooky fish back to that pet store.\nCartman: Who's \"we\"? You got a turd in your pocket? I'm goin' home. I'm hella hungry!\nEvil Cartman: I'll help you, Stan.\nCartman: Shut your god-damned mouth, fatass!\nKyle: Dude. Are you sure that fish is a murderer? It seemed like a normal fish to me.\nStan: Just help me take it back. Come on! [walks to Aunt Flo, who's now dead on the floor] Did you find the address, Aunt Flo- Aunt Flo!\nSharon: [rushing in] Oh, Stanley, no! Not Aunt Flo! [holds her hands to her face]\nStan: It was the fish! [points to it]\nSharon: [dragging Aunt Flo, mutters] Oh, what a good baby. What a good son I have. [the fish swims around]\nStan: Now we'll never know where that pet store is!\nKyle: There can't be that many pet stores in South Park, dude. [the fish jumps out and somehow pulls Kenny into the tank head first.]\nStan: Aunt Flo isn't from South Park. The pet store could be anywhere between here and Denver. [Kenny starts to gargle as the fish gives him the blender treatment. The water turns blood red as Kenny spins in the tank]\nKyle: Well, we'd better get working. Cartman, you go home and call all the pet stores in the phone book.\nEvil Cartman: Can do!\nCartman: Screw you! [the fish spits Kenny's corpse out of the tank and jumps back in. Kenny's left eye is gone and the water is clear]\nSharon: [returning] It's all taken care of, Stanley- G'oh! [sees Kenny's corpse and reacts frantically. Rats rush in to munch on it] I've got such a good boy, such a handsome boy! [drags Kenny away. The fish looks on]\nStan: [to Kyle] Come on, we're running out of time. [both walk by Randy trying to open a door]\nRandy: [turns around] Hey, why is the basement door locked? [turns back and keeps trying]\nScene Description: The Marsh basement. Officer Barbrady is still tied up.\nOfficer Barbrady: -crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care My master's gone away Jimmy crack corn and I don't care\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Both Cartmans are seated on the sofa. Evil Cartman has the phone book, Cartman has a pot pie.\nEvil Cartman: I don't see any pet stores called \"Indian Burial Ground.\"\nCartman: Shut up, dude! I'm trying to watch TV!\nAnnouncer: And now, back to the Terrance and Phillip Halloween Special.\nTerrance: [both are dressed as ghosts] (Fart)\nPhillip: [long pause] That fart was absolutely ghoulish, Terrance. [both pull out little daggers and stab each other as they laugh. Small spurts of blood ensue.]\nCartman: Uh-ho-ho, man, that's hella funny! [slaps his thigh]\nEvil Cartman: [looks up] What's so funny about that?\nKitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie, Kitty!\nEvil Cartman: [picks up Kitty] Who's my kitty? Who's my little kitty? My fluffy little cat. Yeah, that's good, yeah, that's my nice little kitty, yeah. [Kitty is purring loudly, happily now. Cartman is not amused.]\nCartman: NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!! [Evil Cartman is startled as Kitty jumps away.] Hahaha, you-hoo suck, dude.\nScene Description: Night time, the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle are on the sofa. Sharon enters with another woman.\nSharon: Stanley. Kenny's mother is here. She's wondering if you've seen Kenny.\nCarol: [approaches him] You saw him, didn't you? [Sharon mouths and waves \"no\" to Stan] You saw my boy. [sits down on the sofa between the boys]\nStan: Yeah, my goldfish-.\nSharon: Yeah. Stan just got a new goldfish and he wanted to show it to Kenny but, Kenny never came over.\nCarol: [cradling Stan, distraught] My Kenny used to laugh and play. He was eight years old, just like you, my Kenny was.\nStan: I know.\nCarol: You've gotta tell me what happened to him! [holds Stan up and throttles him] You have to know something!\nSharon: [intervening] Mrs. McCormick, I'm going to have to ask you to leave! You've been drinking!\nCarol: That's right, I'm a little drunk. [Sharon escorts her to the door] You'd be drunk, too, if you'd lost your boy. [Evil Cartman enters as the women reach the door] My Kenny used to sing and dance, eh.\nEvil Cartman: [at the sofa] You guys, I found the pet store!\nStan: Come on, let's go! [takes the fish with him and stops before Sharon] Mom, I know you think I did all this, but I'm gonna prove to you it was this fucking fish!\nSharon: I believe you, sweetheart. [Stan goes outside, and she addresses Kyle and Evil Cartman] Run from him, boys. Run and don't stop!\nScene Description: A stormy night, at the pet store. The remains of a covered wagon are next to it. The three boys enter.\nClerk: Can I help you boys?\nStan: I wanna return a fish.\nClerk: [pounds the counter with both fists] Damn it!\nKyle: What?\nClerk: That's the ninth return I've had this week! What's wrong with it? [holds his palms out] Ap! Let me guess. It killed a bunch of people, right?\nStan: Yeah, dude.\nClerk: Damn it! [pounds with the right fist] Just like all the other returns! [the camera pulls back to show them. They all groan and have red, evil eyes. One bird blinks, and its eyes glow]\nKyle: Dude, why is your store called \"The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?\"\nClerk: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.\nStan: So you just- built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?\nClerk: Oh, hell no! First I dug up all the bodies, pissed on 'em, then buried them again upside down.\nStan: Why?\nClerk: Why? I don't know. I was drunk.\nStan: We think that when you did that, you opened up a doorway to an evil, parallel universe.\nClerk: Well, that certainly would explain a lot.\nKyle: Like what?\nClerk: Well, like this. [opens a door marked, \"Employees Only.\" A bright, flashing portal appears] I've been wondering what the hell this was.\nScene Description: Stan's house. Randy finally opened the door to the basement and brings down some items.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hello, Mr. Marsh. Top of the evening to you. [Randy turns to see Officer Barbrady, then rushes up the stairs] Okay, bye, then.\nScene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is preparing cookie dough. Randy enters.\nRandy: Sharon?\nSharon: Yes, hon?\nRandy: There's a policeman being held captive in our basement.\nSharon: [rolling the dough] Yes, hon. I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away. [begins cutting out cookies in star shapes.]\nRandy: [ponders] Why'd you take his pants off? [long pause. Sharon makes more cookies] Sh-sharon, why'd you take his- pants off?\nSharon: [sobs. Randy comes over] Oh, Randy, I just don't know what to do anymore.\nRandy: What is it?\nSharon: I just ughhhh, I can't believe that Aunt Flo is gone, that she won't be visiting me ever again.\nRandy: Oh. Uh, well, don't- think of it as an end, think of it as a new beginning. Now, could you fill me in on the dead bodies and captive policeman stuff real quick?\nScene Description: Back at the pet store.\nStan: Look, pal. This is very simple. All I want to do is return this fish.\nClerk: I can't give you your money back.\nStan: I don't care, dude! I just want this fish away from me!\nClerk: No! I won't take it back!\nEvil Cartman: Listen, friend. You can't sell people pets like this. You have to have a sign that says, \"Warning: these fish are from an evil, parallel universe.\" Now, it's not our fault you disrespected the bodies of this land's native people, but by golly [pounds his right hand with his left fist], you're gonna take this fish back.\nClerk: All right, you win.\nStan: Wow! Thanks, evil Cartman! [the clerk takes the fish from Stan]\nEvil Cartman: [turns to face the clerk again] And sir, can I make a suggestion? [the clerk looks at him] Move your store, and let these great people of the Wampanoag rest in peace.\nKyle: You kick ass, evil Cartman!\nStan: Yeah!\nKyle: You know what I like best about you? You don't say, \"hella,\" like our Cartman does. I swear, if he says that one more time, I'm gonna kill him! [the boys exit the store, and the skies are clear]\nEvil Cartman: No, Kyle. Murder is never an answer. [the clerk puts the fish up on a shelf and the employee door opens, the doorway glowing brightly]\nClerk: [recoils] What the-? [two figures appear: Evil Stan and Evil Kyle]\nEvil Stan: He was here! Cartman was just here!\nClerk: Who are you?\nEvil Kyle: We're looking for Cartman. The trail ended here. Where is he?\nClerk: I don't know who you mean?\nEvil Kyle: [pulls out a big bat] Maybe this will jog your memory! [starts releasing the evil returns by bashing in the cages]\nClerk: No! Stop! You don't know what you're doing! Those pets are evil!\nScene Description: Several identical images of Barbra flash through space, one of them towards the camera, and the boys are walking down Main Street.\nStan: I'm sure glad that's over with. Now I can sleep at night.\nEvil Cartman: Hey, you guys. We still have time to enter the pumpkin-carving contest.\nKyle: Hey, yeah! I almost forgot.\nEvil Cartman: Come on! I bet that together we can make the best pumpkin ever!\nStan: You know, evil Cartman? I like you a lot better than our Cartman.\nKyle: Yeah, you're cool. And you don't say \"hella.\"\nEvil Cartman: Yuh, thanks, you guys. I certainly like you a lot more than in my evil, parallel universe. [the boys turn to see a man attacked by two dogs, a cat, two ducks, and a vulture]\nScene Description: The boys resume walking].\nKyle: Dude, where are we going to find a pumpkin to carve?\nEvil Cartman: Let's use Kenny's squash.\nStan: Yeah. You know, I never thought it was such a bad, little squash. It just needs some tender, loving care.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV in the dark. Onscreen, Phillip is in a cemetery standing next to a tombstone that might be Terrance's, and has three roses in his hand.\nTerrance: [as a ghost, walks up to Phillip] Boo!\nPhillip: [jumps up] Aaaaagh!\nCartman: Aw, man, this movie is hella scary. [click. The front door flies open and Evil Stan and Evil Kyle burst in]\nEvil Stan: Aha! There you are, Cartman!\nCartman: P'h. Nice costume, you guys. You spent about a buck fifty on those?\nEvil Kyle: We're here to take you back, Goody Two-Shoes!\nCartman: Oh? I've got a better idea. Why don't you two go fuck yourselves?\nEvil Stan: [he and Evil Kyle look at each other, then] Hey! What's wrong with you, Cartman?\nCartman: What's wrong with me? Let's see. Uum. [checks them off] I hate you guys. You're hella stupid.\nEvil Kyle: [he and Evil Stan go over to grab him] Come on, Mr. Wholesome! We're taking you back to our universe!\nCartman: Don't touch me! [punches Evil Stan, who releases him]\nEvil Stan: What the hell's goin' on?! Cartman never hits us!\nEvil Kyle: Hall right! Just stand there, Cartman! This gingerification gun will send you back to our universe!\nCartman: Oh, right! You guys are from the evil, parallel universe?!\nEvil Stan: Yes!\nCartman: Oh, it's about freakin' time you showed up! You don't want me, you want that impostor Cartman! Come on, I'll show you. [leads them out the door]\nScene Description: At the Pumpkin Carving Contest. Mayor McDaniels is dressed as a Puritan woman. Johnson holds a ball on a platter. They are on stage, which is adorned with two spiderwebs and a bat in each one.\nMayor McDaniels: And the winner is: Squash-O-Lantern, by Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and the evil Eric Cartman from the parallel universe! \"The Winning Entry! Squash in cobweb, amid a tiny graveyard and flanked by four tiny bats\"\nStan: [the crowd cheers] We won, dude!\nEvil Cartman: Hooray!\nMayor McDaniels: You boys win the Halloween Chocolate Ball!\nEvil Cartman: Oh, no! [spots Cartman, Evil Stan and Evil Kyle] Stan and Kyle have come to take my back to my world, and I don't wanna go back!\nStan: Don't worry, Evil Cartman. You're staying with us! [the two groups face each other]\nCartman: [to Evil Kyle] Now, zap his hella ass back to your- hella universe!\nKyle: Stop saying \"hella,\" Cartman!\nEvil Stan: [to Evil Cartman] Thought you could get away from us, huh, Cartman?!\nEvil Cartman: [pleading] Please!\nKyle: Leave him alone, butthole!\nEvil Kyle: Shut your trap, kid!\nStan: Why don't you guys take our Cartman back? He's more like you anyway.\nCartman: Ey, you backstabbin' sellout!\nEvil Stan: It's time, Cartman! Prepare for gingerification! [sets the gun]\nEvil Cartman: Well, good-bye, you guys. It's been fun. [Stan and Kyle look down. The evil pets return to South Park and start attacking the townsfolk. They scream as they are being attacked.]\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, what now?!\nKyle: It's the evil pets [the attack continues, and a vulture knocks the gingerification gun out of Evil Stan's hands.]\nEvil Stan: The gingerification gun!\nStan: [picks it up] Get to the stage! [Stan, Kyle, and Evil Cartman rush up. Stan's spooky fish attacks a man and kills him]\nSharon: [seeing what just happened] Oh, dear. It really was Stan's fish that killed those people!\nEvil Stan: [all six boys are on stage] Give me that gun, kid!\nStan: Up yours, evil twin! [zaps him back to the evil, parallel universe.]\nEvil Stan: [shrinks as Evil Kyle watches] Noooooo! [vanishes]\nEvil Kyle: [zapped, he shrinks too] Noooooo! [vanishes]\nCartman: All right, now you can try to send this Bozo through and the whole mess'll be over with!\nStan: Sorry Cartman. We like Evil Cartman better. See ya. [takes aim]\nCartman: What?!\nKyle: We can't deal with you saying \"hella\" anymore, Cartman! You're going to the other universe! [Cartman takes on Evil Cartman, and both wrestle. Cartman rips off Evil Cartman's mustache and beard, and kicks him. Both of them then stand up, indistinguishable. Stan pulls the gingerification gun back]\nKyle: Which one is the good Cartman?\nBoth Cartmans: I am!\nStan: Stop wasting time, Cartman! We have to send one of you back to the evil universe!\nKyle: Yeah! Now, which one of you is the Cartman we can't stand?!\nBoth Cartmans: [pointing to the other one] He is!\nCartman on Left: Time is running out. You'll have to destroy us both.\nCartman on Right: What?!\nCartman on Left: It's the only way you can be sure. We have to both go, for the good of the world.\nCartman on Right: [Stan zaps him] Noooo! Screw you guys! [disappears]\nCartman on Left: How did you guys know?\nStan: Our Cartman would never say anything like that.\nCartman: Haaa hahaha! You guys are hella stupid! I knew you would fall for that!\nKyle: Oh no, dude!\nStan: You tricked us, Cartman!\nCartman: That's right, I did! You guys are hella stupid You guys are hella lame You guys are hella dumb Hella hella hella!\nKyle: Damn it!\nScene Description: On the street, Randy walks with Officer Barbrady. The evil pets are still attacking the townsfolk.\nRandy: I'm sorry my wife held you captive, officer. She's been upset 'cause her Aunt Flo isn't gonna visit her anymore.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, I understand. I remember when my wife stopped getting her monthly visitor.\nRandy: Uuuh, do you want your pants back?\nOfficer Barbrady: No. Just leave me with my dignity. [turns around and walks into the crowd] Okay, people, move along. Nothing to see here.\nScene Description: '[End of \"Spooky Fish.\" Cartman sings \"Best Friends\"]'"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house. The family is in the living room.\nSharon: The answer is \"no\", Stanley!\nStan: But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's Grandma's for the weekend!\nSharon: I'm sorry, Stanley, I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska by yourself. It's the holidays.\nStan: But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?\nSharon: I'll leave it up to your father.\nRandy: [shrugs] Eh, it's fine with me.\nSharon: [ignoring him] The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash up for supper!\nStan: I don't want your lame-ass supper!\nShelly: Ew! You're gonna get it now.\nSharon: [pointing to her right] Go to your room, Stanley! Right now! [Randy's angry now. Stan walks to his room and shuts the door]\nStan: [retrieving a backpack from his closet] Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight years old! [goes to his window, opens it, and stands on the sill] I don't need this stupid family anyway! [drops to the ground outside and leaves]\nScene Description: Outside the Cartman house. Liane is packing the boys' gear into her station wagon. Kyle's parents and Kenny's parents are seeing them off.\nSheila: It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.\nLiane: Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his little friends.\nCartman: [to Kyle] Every time I go to my Grandma's house, she gives me a present. You watch: as soon as I walk in the door she'll hand me a big present, for no reason, except that I'm cool.\nKyle: That's nice, Cartman.\nStuart: [on bended knee, to Kenny] Now, remember, if they have left-over turkey, put some in a bag and bring it home, okay?\nKenny: (Okay.)\nStan: [walking up] Okay, let's go!\nCartman: Oh, I didn't think you were coming, Stan.\nStan: 'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!\nSheila: [Kyle walks away] Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!\nStuart: [waving to Kenny] See you in a couple of days, son.\nCartman: [rushing past Kyle, who joins Stan on the back seat] Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first: shotgun! [opens the door, only to find Kenny already there. They look at each other] Kenny, I called it shotgun! [Kenny stares back] Dammit, Kenny, get in the back! [Kenny moves not. Cartman points to the right] Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there. [no movement. Cartman points to the road] Look, Kenny, there's an elephant parade! [Kenny is not moved. Cartman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dollar] Ken-ny. Kenny, look. Look! Go get it! [throws the bill away], Go get it! [Kenny hops out and Cartman jumps in] ha ha ha, you poor piece of crap. [Kenny gets the bill and hops into the back seat. Lo and behold, there is an elephant parade, with clowns and jugglers and... Liane drives off]\nStan: So, how far is it to Nebraska?\nLiane: Around six hours.\nKyle: Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna do for six hours?\nLiane: Well, I've got an idea. We could sing.\nStan: Yeah. Or, we could not.\nCartman: Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma. How does it go?\nLiane: Over the meadow and through the woods\nLiane and Cartman: To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...\nScene Description: 4 HOURS LATER.\nLiane and Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh\nKyle: Please stop.\nLiane and Cartman: Through white and drifted snow\nKyle: [insistent] Please stop!\nLiane and Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go\nCartman: [Kyle angrily kicks him into the dashboard] Argh!\nLiane: Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy.\nCartman: [rubbing his nose] I guess, damn! [some traffic is seen]\nLiane: Here we go, kids. We're crossing the state line into Nebraska. [Stan and Kyle go to Kenny's window to check it out. The first sign they see says, \"Now leaving Colorful Colorado,\" on a mountain background with rainbow. The scenery changes abruptly from snow-covered mountains to fields of wheat. Once they pass the state line they see \"You are now in NEBRASKA. ...Sorry.\" Nothing is seen on the horizon]\nStan: This is Nebraska?\nKyle: What's all that stuff?\nLiane: Wheat. The building block of your favorite foods, and, Nebraska's principal source of economic productivity. You see, when Nebraska first became-\nCartman: We don't care, Mom.\nKyle: Hey, look! [enunciating a billboard] See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska... Wow! We have to go, dude!\nStan: [now seated] Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraska?\nKyle: [now seated] I don't know. Ever since he was in that movie, he got all famous.\nCartman: Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey! He's a piece of crap.\nKyle: It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited to meet me!\nLiane: That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's Grandma is right near the mall.\nKyle: Cool!\nCartman: How much further is it to Grandma's house? I wanna see what kind of present she got me.\nLiane: About another hour, hon.\nCartman: Why does Grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home closer to us so [angrily] I don't have to drive six hours to get a god-damned present?!\nLiane: Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.\nLiane and Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods\nLiane and Cartman: To Grandmother's house we go\nKyle: Oh, God! [Stan is dejected]\nLiane and Cartman: The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...\nScene Description: Later... Cartman's Grandma's house. Cartman's singing is heard approaching.\nCartman: Over the meadow and through the woods...\nLiane: [stops the car] Here we are. [the boys pour out]\nKyle: Jesus Christ, finally!\nCartman: [runs to the front door] Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma! [knocks, rubs his hands together, and an elderly man opens the door. The boys come up behind Cartman]\nMan: Oh, it's little Eric!\nCartman: Hi, Grandpa!\nGrandpa: Look at how big you've gotten!\nGrandma: Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.\nCartman: Sweet. What is it?\nGrandma: It's inside.\nCartman: Yes! Move it! [shoves Grandma off the porch. She screams on the way down]\nLiane: [now inside with the boys] Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!\nEveryone: [seven people] Hello!\nLiane: These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you to the Cartman family. This is Uncle Stinky.\nUncle Stinky: [brown curly hair, goatee, Fu Manchu mustache] Nice to have you heuh.\nLiane: Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra [not shown], Fat Bob, Jimmy [bulldog], and great-grandma Florence. [with walker]\nFlorence: [Kyle recoils as she approaches the boys] Come here, Eric. Give your great-grandma some huggies. [grabs Kyle and lifts him up]\nKyle: Agghh!\nLiane: No, no, Florence, that's not Eric.\nFlorence: [releases Kyle] Oh, which one is he, then?\nStan: [pointing] He's the fat one.\nGrandma: He's not fat, he's big-boned.\nCartman: [in sync] I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech.\nKyle: [to Stan] That was totally gross. She smelled like vitamins and pee.\nStan: Sick, dude.\nCartman: Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents, shall we?\nGrandma: Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays! [He gleefully rips it open]\nCartman: [not pleased] Wait a minute. This isn't a present, it's a shirt! [lifts it out]\nGrandma: Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.\nCartman: [really upset] Are you telling me that I drove nine hours through butt-fucking nowhere to get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's gone senile! It's time to stick her in a home!\nScene Description: The dining room. The thirteen are seated around it. The TV is at the foot of the table, on its own chair.\nGrandpa: Well, this is what the holidays are about. Family.\nStan: [dissenting] Yeah, right!\nGrandpa: Well, what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?\nStan: My family's dead! [Uncle Stinky, a baby, and Aunt Lisa gasp.]\nLiane: [turns to him, hand to lips] Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.\nKyle: Dude, your family died?\nStan: They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even know I'm here.\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: I can't believe I got a stupid shirt! [he didn't have to wear it...] The holidays are bullcrap!\nLiane: Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's catheter bag during dinner? [places it in front of him]\nKyle: What is this??\nLiane: [in his ear] Great-grandma has a bladder problem. This helps her out.\nKyle: [eyes shut] Sick, dude!\nLiane: [now seated] Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little cousin Elvin?\nCartman: [flatly] Hi, cousin Elvin.\nElvin: [the baby, sucking on a Fudgecicle] Sweet.\nGrandpa: [tapping knife on wine glass] Well, it certainly is nice we could all gather heuh for the holidays. Even Uncle Howard has joined us live via satellite from the state penitentiary. [the TV screen shows Uncle Howard at his own table, with a small meal]\nKyle: Whoa, dude! [Stan is surprised]\nGrandma: You look good, Howard.\nHoward: No I don't!\nLiane: Hi, Howard.\nStan: [to Cartman] Dude, is he here every year like this?\nCartman: Yup!\nElvin: [tosses his Fudgecicle at the TV, and it slides down the screen] Sweet.\nKyle: [Great-Grandma urinates into the bag. He grimaces] Aaww!\nHoward: Come on, let's eat already! They gave me extra bread and water!\nGrandma: Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't even said grace yet. Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace?\nFlorence: God-damn it, why the hell do I always have to say grace? If one more person asks me to say grace, I'll be like, \"Eh! I'm not saying grace! And if you ask me again, I'll kick you square [jabs the fork in the air] in the nuts!\"\nCartman: Amen. [his feelings exactly]\nAll: Ah-men. [all dig into the food. Bits and pieces being to fly everywhere]\nKyle: [watching the mess] Jesus, dude! [Kenny stuffs his food into a paper bag, and Jimmy growls longingly]\nGrandpa: No, Jimmy, this is my pot pie! [Jimmy growls] No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!\nCartman: Bad Jimmy!\nGrandma: No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie! [Stan and Kyle stare in awe. Jimmy growls, and a hail of \"No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!\"s descends on him]\nStan: Dude, I don't know how long I can stay here.\nKyle: I know what you mean. [Kenny packs the last of his meal away]\nScene Description: Night time. The boys are asleep in the basement.\nKyle: [jumps up] Arrggh! [Stan wakes up]\nStan: What, dude? [Cartman wakes up]\nKyle: Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare that we were at this house, and it was filled with Cartmans!\nStan: Kyle, we are in a house filled with Cartmans.\nKyle: Oh. Arrggh! [thump. Kenny's awake. More sounds, of breaking glass.]\nStan: What was that?\nKyle: I heard it, too.\nCartman: Whatever it is, it's getting closer. [Stan pinches him] Ow! What the hell was that for!\nStan: I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming. [Kyle walks behind Stan and punches Cartman]\nCartman: Ow!\nKyle: [moving back to his sleeping bag] I wanted to make sure, too.\nCartman: Yuhwell, you're not dreaming! [Kenny flies at him with a punch] Ey! Cut the crap!\nKyle: Dude, it's coming through the window! [the window flies open and light streams in. A fat figure jumps in and the kids scream. Cartman goes for the light switch and the light goes on. A surprised prison escapee is what he sees]\nCartman: Uncle Howard!\nUncle Howard: Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd be down here.\nCartman: Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!\nStan: We thought you were in jail.\nHoward: Yeah, well I'b I busted out. [shows off the broken cuff chain]\nCartman: Wow, cool!\nHoward: Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.\nCartman: Okay.\nHoward: If it's okay, we're just gonna hang out here for a couple of days with you kids.\nCartman: Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? Hahahaha.\nHoward: [turning to the window] Come on up, it's okay. [another man pops up and makes his was in] Another inmate busted out with me. Don't worry, he's a good guy.\nInmate: [turns around] Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson. [the boys express some shock, but then fall silent]\nScene Description: The next day. Manson looks out the window.\nManson: I can't wait to get out among the pigs [turns to Howard] and raise some hell.\nHoward: All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low for a while.\nManson: When I stand up on the mountain and say, \"Do it!\", it gets done! And it it don't get done, then I'll move on it! And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do.\nHoward: All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV or something. [Manson sits before the TV and turns it on.]\nAnnouncer: Now back to, \"It's A Wonderful Life\".\nGeorge Bailey: You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr. Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you are? You're a little bitch. [Potter looks up] That's right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?\nStan: [snaps his fingers] Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get to the mall.\nCartman: [waking] What?\nKyle: We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall, Cartman.\nCartman: [putting his coat on over his BEEFCAKE muscle shirt] All right, keeps your pants on.\nHoward: Hey, bring us down some food, all right?\nCartman: [follows the boys up the stairs] Okay. [puts on his cap]\nScene Description: The living room. Football is on.\nStinky: [eating popcorn] Come on, Team!\nCartman: Can somebody drive us to the mall?\nAnnouncer: Touchdown!\nThe Adults: Yeah!\nCartman: [insistent] Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall. Can somebody please take us?\nAnnouncer: And these Cornhuskers have the ball on the 50-yard line!\nCartman: [pops up in front of Stinky] Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the mall?\nStinky: Not now, Eric. [notices a play] Hold him! He has him! Where's the flag?!\nCartman: Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take us!\nStinky: I said \"no,\" and I mean \"no!\" Respect my authorituh!\nCartman: [leaves grumbling] Damn his Goddamned authorituh!\nAnnouncer: With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-\nScene Description: SPECIAL REPORT.\nReporter: We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.\nStinky: What?!\nReporter: [\"NEBRASKA NEWS\"] Mass murderer and extremely nasty person Charles Manson has escaped from prison! Manson was the man responsible for seven murders in the late '60's. Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crimes. If you see Manson, please kick his ass and smash his fucking face in for me, and then call the police. And now back to the game.\nAnnouncer: And they've done it! They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds! [NEB 23, ARK 16]\nThe Adults: Oh, weak!\nGrandma: [the boys walk past her] Eric, I need you to take care of your cousin Elvin for a while.\nCartman: I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!\nGrandma: Won't yo do it for Grandma?\nCartman: All right. Give me $10. [she reaches into her purse and gives it to him]\nElvin: [licking another Fudgecicle] Kick ass!\nScene Description: The basement. Manson is still watching the TV.\nGeorge Bailey: Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!\nHoward: Chuck, can you turn that thing down?\nGeorge Bailey: Hello, movie house! [\"Gone With The Wind\" is playing there] Hello, burger parlor!\nManson: You know what the spirit of Christmas is? It's another lie, from the lyin' pigs that consider me the witness-!\nHoward: Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!\nCartman: [coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!\nKyle: Yeah, they do!\nStan: All families suck ass!\nCartman: Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon buns. [hands the bag to Howard]\nHoward: [digging in] Wow, sweet!\nManson: Heyyy!\nKyle: Dude, we have to get to the mall!!\nElvin: You guys, seriously!\nHoward: What's the matter?\nCartman: My stupid friends want to go to the mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody would drive us.\nHoward: Oh, bummer.\nManson: I'll take you! [a heavy note sounds]\nHoward: Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep watching Christmas specials.\nManson: Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in somebody's basement! I want some action!\nKyle: Good for you, Charlie!\nManson: [to Cartman] Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's car!\nStan: Do you really think we should go with this guy?\nCartman: Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have to trust people. [walks away]\nScene Description: Outside. The boys, Manson, and Elvin head for the station wagon.\nManson: All right, boys, keep your heads down! [they get into the wagon, Manson hot-wires it, and steps on the gas] We're goin' to the mall!\nBoys: Hooray!\nScene Description: South Park, the Marsh house.\nSharon: I just can't believe he would go without our permission!\nRandy: Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmother's. Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something.\nSharon: Well, I hope for his sake you're right. [calls Liane]\nLiane: Hello?\nSharon: Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska with you?\nLiane: Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were dead, Sharon.\nSharon: Wwhat?!\nLiane: Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm glad to see that you're better.\nSharon: [irate. Shelly is now present] Get the car, Randy! We're going to Nebraska!\nShelly: Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!\nScene Description: Mall of Nebraska.\nKyle: [jumping up and down to get a better look] Do you see him?\nStan: Not yet. I think we still have a ways to go.\nKyle: I can't wait to see him! [a kid looks back] He's gonna be so glad we came!\nKid: I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.\nKyle: That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.\nCartman: How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]\nElvin: Mr. Hankey kicks ass!\nCartman: And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!\nKyle: So?!\nCartman: So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?\nKyle: Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]\nManson: [to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?\nKenny: (Okay) [they walk off]\nStan: I really like that guy.\nCartman: Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin. [Elvin looks at his hands and sees nothing to lick, then begins to cry] God damnit, be quiet, Elvin! Shut up, Elvin! [grabs a stick and whacks him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink] No, Elvin, bad Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]\nScene Description: Sweet Box, your music box headquarters. Manson and Kenny are looking around.\nManson: [explaining things to Kenny] Folks need to understand that I am terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look, another holiday special.\nVoice-over: And now, back to \"The Grinchy Poo\" [a shot of Grinchy Poo stealing a decorated tree]\nNarrator: Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and stuffed the tree up But then he heard a coo, like the cry of a dove It was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two \"Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?\" And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick...\nScene Description: Lollyland. a mall worker dressed as a Hankey elf, covered in Hankey kisses, approaches the boys.\nHankey Elf: All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland! [voice dripping with bitterness]\nKyle: [elated] Hoh, boy. Here we go!\nMall Hankey: Howdy ho, boys.\nStan: [after a pause] Mr. Hankey? [his elves lift the boys onto Hankey's lap]\nMall Hankey: Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.\nKyle: You're not the real Mr. Hankey.\nMall Hankey: Sure I am! Howdy ho!\nStan: You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.\nMall Hankey: Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know. Howdy ho!\nHankey Elf: You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?\nKyle: This is not Mr. Hankey! [a picture is taken] This is a fake! [gasps from other kids and adults. A boy cries]\nMall Hankey: It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!\nKids: [a crowd now, they wave back] Hoowwdy ho!\nKyle: Why are you people doing this? Why would you lie like this? To children?\nMall Hankey: [softly] Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like me in every shopping mall. There is no real Mr. Hankey.\nKyle: [insulted] What?! What did you say?!\nStan: Oh, boy. You've done it now.\nMall Hankey: Huh??\nKyle: [stands and rips off the mall Hankey's helmet] Behold! Here's your false prophet!\nKids: [gasp] Boo! [throw plastic Hankey's at the mall Hankey]\nMall Hankey: Ow!\nKids: Die!\nMall Hankey: Ow!\nKid 1: Get out! [the kids rush the chair and attack Hankey and his elves]\nKids: [background] You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get out!\nGirl: You lied to me, Mother. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.\nMother: Uh, well, yes, but-\nGirl: I will not forget this, Mother. I will not forget this, ever. [turns and walks away]\nKid: This is revolution! [more rioting. Two kids prepare a Molotov cocktail. The blond kid lights it, the one in yellow-trimmed blue cap chucks it at the Lollyland setup. It goes up in flames]\nMall Hankey: [getting out of the way] Wah-hahow!\nSecurity Guard 1: Uh oh, they're rioting again. [the other guard raises an eyebrow. Three kids smash a bench into an electronics store window. Two of them take a TV and the third goes further inside]\nScene Description: Back at the Sweet Box...\nNarrator: And all the poos down in Pooville joined hands and they sang They sang all the same And he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo.\nManson: [pleased with the special] Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was evil, but now he's good. [Kenny looks at him]\nScene Description: At what was Lollyland. A battering ram comes through a wall and everyone scatters. Police in riot gear pour in behind it.\nOfficer 1: What's happening?\nOfficer 2: Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again. [the kids and the officers race at each other and do battle. Brimmy leaves this graffiti on the wall: \"No more lies!\" and runs away. Am officer gives chase. Another officer pumps a tear gas canister into the crowd and the kids fall from the resulting gas]\nCartman: [the boys regroup] I told you guys. The holiday season is nothing but lies and bullcrap!\nManson: [arriving] Well, how was it?\nKyle: It was a fake!\nManson: Oh, I'm sorry.\nKyle: Cartman was right! The holiday season is for idiots!\nStan: Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?\nManson: Uh, I went to a beauty parlor and had my tattoo redone. [a happy face replaced the swastika] Look!\nCartman: Oh, uh that's pretty cool.\nStan: Hey. Where's Kenny?\nManson: Oh. He's... around.\nKenny: [arriving] (Hey, you guys. I'm right here.)\nStan: Oh, hey Kenny.\nManson: Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange Smoothie.\nThe Boys: Ooooo!\nOfficer: Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson! [the officer rush towards him]\nManson: Run for your lives, boys! [no time for a Smoothie. All head for the mall doors and rush out to the station wagon]\nCartman: [outside, falling behind with Elvin] Ugh! Wait! You guys. Seriously. [the officers follow]\nOfficer: Come back here, God damnit! [Manson and the boys get in the station wagon and Manson backs up all the way to the highway, jumping the curb] He's getting away! [the officers get into their cars and pursue Manson]\nManson: Keep your heads down, kids! [an officer fires into the wagon and the back window breaks]\nCartman: Ey! What the hell is wrong with you people?!\nKyle: I can't believe they would put a fake Mr. Hankey in a mall! If Mr. Hankey ever found out, he'd be so pissed!\nScene Description: Grandma's house. A news bulletin is heard.\nAnnouncer: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.\nReporter: A high speed car chase is happening right now on interstate 3. We go now to our live sky-fi helicopter.\nSky-fi Reporter: Ron, it looks as though the chase is proceeding west down the interstate.\nGrandma: Oh, that looks a lot like your car, Harold.\nSky-fi Reporter: We understand that Charles Manson is inside the car with several hostages, all of whom are children [Manson sideswipes another car, which loses control and stops. The police drive around it] My God, what is this world coming to? Well, we'd like to take a moment to tell you that this car chase is being brought to you by Snacky S'mores [a beaver roasting one appears], the creamy bonbon s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch.\nScene Description: The highway. More shots taken at the wagon.\nManson: They're gaining on us! [more shots, and Elvin tosses his Fudgecicle out]\nOfficer: Fudgecicle! [swerves to avoid it. Two other patrol cars jump over his and burst into flame upon landing]\nElvin: Kickass! [other cars take up the pursuit and fire at Manson]\nKyle: God, I hate the holiday season! [more shots]\nScene Description: Manson pulls into Grandma's driveway. Grandma stands outside.\nGrandma: [the kids rush past her] Oh, hello kids. Having fun-?\nManson: Get in the house!\nGrandma: Alrighty, then. [walks in as the cops pull up]\nCartman: Lock the door! [Terrance and Phillip are on]\nBig Blonde: Oh my God, it's Charlie Manson! Whoa!\nHarold: What's going on?\nStan: There's a bunch of policemen chasing after us!\nStinky: Quiet down, we're watching television. [Terrance and Phillip laugh]\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip, what a precious gift! [opens it]\nPhillip: That's right, Terrance. This is the season for sharing. [farts on the gift, and both laugh]\nHoward: [appears with rifle in hand] The cops are here!\nGrandma: Howard!\nHarold: How did you get out, son?\nScene Description: Outside. The officers have hunkered down.\nPolice Chief: [on the bullhorn] All right, Manson, we know you're in there! Come out peacefully, and we'll shoot you!\nOfficer: [whispers into the chief's ear] Tell him we won't shoot him, Boss.\nPolice Chief: [whispers back] Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. [on the bullhorn] Come out peacefully, and we won't shoot you! [Howard and Grandma peek out]\nGrandma: Oh, look. Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut.\nHoward: [points the rifle at her] Get down, Ma!\nManson: Hey, man, don't point a gun at your own mother!\nHoward: What the hell is wrong with you, Manson? You're acting all funny! Everybody just sit down and shut up! We're not going back to the big house!\nHarold: Well, Howard, you've done it again! You've ruined Christmas!\nScene Description: Outside Grandma's house. The press shows up.\nField Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. [the camera zooms in on Grandma's house] We understand that there are hostages, and that the situation is critical, [zoom out], so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block [SPF 200]. Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.\nScene Description: Off camera, the Marshes drive up and get out. Sharon approaches the police.\nSharon: What's going on here?!\nChief Stevens: We've got a critical situation, ma'am. Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage.\nSharon: Is this the Cartman residence?\nChief Stevens: Yes, ma'am.\nSharon: Give me that! [grabs the bullhorn and] Stanley! This is your mother!\nScene Description: Inside\nStan: Oh ooh.\nKyle: What's your mom doing here, dude?\nSharon: [outside] Young man, I have had it! You have disobeyed me for the last time! [Grandma, Howard and Manson look out the window. They turn to face Stan.]\nHoward: Wow, she's really pissed.\nManson: [pointing] I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid.\nScene Description: Outside.\nSharon: What do you have to say for yourself, Stanley?!\nStan: [from inside the house] ...Sorry.\nRobert Pooner: Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis. Uh, it appears now that eight-year-old Stan Marsh [picture shown] is in BIG, big trouble. He apparently disobeyed his parents, left home without telling them, and uh, Tom, his- his mother is very disappointed with him.\nHoward: Damn it! What are we gonna do?\nFlorence: Sshhhh! We're watching television.\nScene Description: Terrance and Phillip are teasing a reindeer with a red nose - Rudolph. Terrance runs up and farts on its face, and the deer flinches. Terrance runs back as both men laugh.\nPhillip: [running up] Waitwaitwaitwait. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]\nTerrance: [running up] Check out this one. [farts on Rudolph's face and runs back laughing]\nPhillip: [running up] Hold on, hold on. Over here, over here. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]\nTerrance: [running up] Okay, here I come, okay. [farts on Rudolph's face and runs back laughing]\nPhillip: [running up] Okay, waitwait waitwait. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]\nScene Description: The living room.\nChief Stevens: [outside, with bullhorn] Come out with your hands up!\nHoward: Damnit, Dad, why didn't you put a back door on this house?!\nHarold: Well, there's that old window in the bathroom; you could probably squeeze through there.\nHoward: That's it! We're going out the bathroom window! Come on, Manson!\nManson: But I gotta see what happens.\nHoward: Come on, damn it! [Manson hurries, panting] Well, it's good seeing you all. Don't move until we're gone or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays.\nThe Adults: Happy holidays. [Uncle Howard and Manson leave]\nStan: [walks to the window, looks out, sees his parents, then turns to Kyle] Dude, they're gonna kill me.\nChief Stevens: [outside] All right, Manson, this is it! We're coming in after you! There's gonna be a lot of bloodshed, and a lot of innocent people are gonna die! You've got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!\nOfficer: 1-Marshmallow, 2-Marshmallow,...\nScene Description: The bathroom. Howard works on the window.\nHoward: [\"3, Marshmallow,\" The window opens] All right, it's open! Let's go!\nStan: [walking in] 'Scuse me. I wanna go with you.\nManson: Huh?!\nStan: Please, I don't wanna go back with them.\nManson: But Stan, your mother and father are out there!\nStan: I know! They've come to punish me. All they wanna do is make me pay for comin' to Nebraska in the first place.\nHoward: All right, kid, you can come. Now, let's go. [starts going through the window. Stan steps on the toilet seat, but Manson stops him.]\nManson: Stan, I wanna talk to you about family. [Uncle Howard is out.]\nStan: What?!\nHoward: [popping up] What?!\nManson: You see, I had a family once. At least, I called them my family. Really, they were nothin' but a gang of people I thought were my friends. Ah after we killed a bunch of people together, I realized that my real family was who took care of me, and who took the time to care about what I did.\nStan: But they don't care about me, they just want to punish me.\nManson: If they don't care about you, would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?\nStan: [pondering] I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie. Thanks. [they hug]\nHoward: Now can we go??\nManson: No, Howard. You go ahead. I've got something to say. [walks out the bathroom door]\nHoward: Oh, weak!\nScene Description: The living room. Manson walks in.\nManson: Folks, I apologize for this whole mess. I'm going to surrender. Somebody show the police a white flag.\nScene Description: Outside. The countdown continues.\nOfficer: [on the bullhorn] 90-Marshmallow, 91-Marshmallow [to Police Chief Stevens] This is making me hungry for marshmallows [on the bullhorn] 92-Marshmallow [the front door opens and the police get into positions. The flag appears, followed by Kenny, carrying it]\nChief Stevens: Look out, he's got a white flag! [his officers fire away, killing Kenny and breaking the flagpole in half]\nManson: [peering out] Oh my God, they killed the little orange-coat kid!\nKyle: [peering out] You bastards! [the police don't react. Everyone now pours out of the house]\nChief Stevens: [surprised] They're surrendering!\nCops: [run up and handcuff the pair] Okay, grab a hold of him. You're under arrest, buddy. [two of them beat on Kenny's corpse]\nBlond Cop: All right you, spread 'em! [puts the cuffs on Kenny]\nChief Stevens: [helping in Manson's arrest] You're going back to prison to rot, Manson!\nManson: Good! I deserve to!\nChief Stevens: What??\nManson: [hands behind his back] I can never make it up to the families that I destroyed, but at least I'll make an example for anyone else thinking that crime [softly] is an answer.\nChief Stevens: Stop that. [the officer releases Manson]\nManson: You see, I get it now! I finally understand what the holidays are all about. Boys, don't you see? You can't let things get you down during the holidays, because being happy is what the holidays are all about!\nKyle: Charlie's right! I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holidays.\nManson: I've been such a bastard all these years, and I finally understand. And it it it feels great! If I feel like- I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special. You see... Holidays are that special time When we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy Forget about being angry for a day [picks Elvin up] Remember how it felt to be a child Opening presents on Christmas mornin' That's the way that we should all feel now So I say Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happy Holidays\nEveryone Else: Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happyHolidays\nManson: Happy Kwanzaa, too From me to you Happy Holidays, you guys.\nChief Stevens: Happy Holidays, Bob.\nOfficer Bob: Happy Holidays, Chief.\nChief Stevens: Come on, Manson. You belong in jail. [finally cuffs him]\nManson: You're darn right I do.\nHoward: [being cuffed] Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and Dad. I hope you can forgive me.\nGrandma: Oh, of course we forgive you, son. It was nice of you to pop in for the holidays.\nGrandpa: Yes. Now, watch that ass in prison, son.\nHoward: I always do. See ya, Eric. Thanks for all your help.\nCartman: See ya, Uncle Howard. [mad] Thanks for being such a great role model for me. [very softly] Piece of crap.\nStan: I hope you can forgive me, too, Mom.\nSharon: Oh, Stanley. Let's just forget the whole thing and have a nice holiday back home.\nStan: Really?\nRandy: Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.\nStan: Hooray! Uh, I mean, wait. What?\nRobert Pooner: [wrap up] And so, Manson is hauled off to jail to rot in his cell. Everything is back to normal, and I guess the only thing left to say is, God bless us, everyone.\nScene Description: Nebraska State Penitentiary.\nManson: [in a cell with three other mates, reading from his latest book] \"And I guess that's what I've learned. I'm sorry for what I did, but that doesn't make up for it. I deserve to be in jail. All I hope is that I don't make mankind lose faith in itself. Yes, there's murderers in the world. There's rapists and thieves. But those are the vast minority. The majority of mankind is made up of caring people, who try every day to do what they think is right. And that's the spirit of the season.\" What do you think, guys?\nInmate: It sucks, just like all your other books. [Manson puts his book next to the others and walks off: \"AH, MILAN,\" \"OBSERVATIONS FROM THE FOREST,\" \"Are You There God? It's Me. Manson\"]\nManson: Well, Guh Good night, you guys. Happy Holidays.\nInmate: Shut up! [Manson turns off the lights. Soon, noise is heard outside the cell]\nManson: What was that? [turns off the lights] What the?! [surprised to see the Cartmans and the boys inside the cell]\nCartmans/Boys: Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! [Grandma bears a cake. Manson melts, smiling. End credits soon roll] \"Hark,\" the herald angels sin, \"Glory to the newborn King Peace on earth, and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled\" [Manson joins them] Joyful all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies \"Hark,\" the herald angels sing\nStan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children are rowdy.\nMr. Garrison: [entering] Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. [the class is now seated] The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I will be let go and never allowed to teach you again. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Stanley?\nStan: That's okay with us.\nKyle: Yeah.\nClyde: Yeah, we don't care.\nCartman: Yeah, that's fine.\nMr. Garrison: No it isn't, it makes you very sad! Now, apparently, the school board thinks that I don't teach you anything about current events, so tomorrow they're going to have you do presentations for the whole board.\nClass: Aawwww! [heads drop]\nMr. Garrison: [writes on the board] \"Current Events in South Park\". Now, I want you all to read a newspaper, or better yet, watch television, and come up with something current in South Park to do a report on.\nClass: Aawwww! [heads drop. Cartman is certainly vocal about it.]\nMr. Garrison: Now, this'll be a group project, so I'm going to place you all into groups of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and Token, you'll be Group 1, and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, a-and, and Tweek.\nTweek Tweak: [disheveled and really tweaked] AAAghah heheh.\nStan: [laments] Oh, not Tweek.\nKyle: We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek.\nMr. Garrison: There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I bet he'll do a great job in your group.\nTweek Tweak: I can't take that kind of pressure. No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease!\nStan: Dude, we can't work with this kid.\nTweek: Yuh-ugh!\nMr. Garrison: That's what Chad Everett thought when the new female intern joined the cast of Medical Center. He thought, \"Who is this woman with her gazungas and high heels? What does she know about medicine?\" Well, that intern soon saved Chad Everett's brother with a kidney transplant. So, you see? [silence]\nStan: No.\nMr. Garrison: Well, let me put it another way. You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack you bitches up!\nTweek: Wagh!\nScene Description: South Park, downtown. Off to the right of Tom's Rhinoplasty is a coffee store: Tweek Bros. A businessman walks in with briefcase.\nRichard Tweak: Hello there, customer.\nCustomer: Hello. How are you today?\nRichard: Great. What can I get for you? Large coffee, small coffee? [motions to the menu]\nCustomer: I'm actually interested in something else. I'm John Postum from the Harbucks Coffee Corporation...\nRichard: Oh, you're that corporate guy who's been calling.\nPostum: That's right. How come you don't call me back? All we wanna do is buy out your coffee shop here.\nRichard: Oh, forget it, my store is not for sale.\nPostum: My company's prepared to make you a veerry generous offer. [lifts the briefcase and opens it. It's empty, but he elaborates] This is a Cramsonite briefcase. All leather, it has four compartments and a keyless lock. Interested?\nRichard: Uh, I don't think so. My coffee shop is worth a lot to me.\nPostum: Well, all right. [closes the briefcase and lifts up two money bag] How about $500,000?\nRichard: The answer is still no, Mr. Postum. You see, when my father opened this store 30 years ago, he cared about only one thing: making a great cup of coffee. [moves to his left, towards a backdrop containing lovely rolling hills and a rainbow. A soothing acoustic tune comes up] Sure, we may take a little longer to brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy names, but I guess we just care a little more. [a cart of beans rolls up to him] And that's why Tweek Coffee is still home-brewed from the finest beans we can muster. Yes, Tweek Coffee is a simpler cup, for a simpler America.\nPostum: Well, that's too bad. We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks right next door to you.\nRichard: [protesting] But that could put me out of business.\nPostum: Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal! Get used to it!\nScene Description: Postum leaves. Officer Barbrady enters.\nBarbrady: [sees Postum leaving] Hello, Mr. Tweek.\nRichard: Hi, Officer Barbrady.\nBarbrady: Who was that?\nRichard: Oh, just some dong. What can I get for you.\nOfficer Barbrady: The usual.\nScene Description: Richard pulls out a brown cat from behind the counter and slaps him with it.\nScene Description: Barbrady leaves as he closes the door.\nRichard: Bye-bye.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The class is now in groups of five. Tweek is still wired.\nStan: Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so-\nTweek: [twitching and closing his right eye] AAAaaagh. Ugh, ugh, huh, aarrrnnn. Aaarrrhaharn.\nStan: Sooo, let's figure out what to do it about.\nScene Description: Shots of Kyle, Kenny, then Cartman.\nCartman: How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond.\nKyle: [angry] No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond again! It has to be on a current event in South Park. Tweek, do you have any ideas?\nScene Description: Stan gets alarmed.\nTweek: Uuurrnnn, too much pressure!\nStan: Great. A lot of help you are, kid.\nTweek: The gnomes!\nStan: What?\nTweek: [gritting his teeth] We can do our report on the gnomes.\nStan: What gnomes?\nTweek: The underpants gnomes. The little guys that, that come into your room late, late at night and steal your underpants.\nScene Description: Shots of Kyle, Stan, then Cartman looking at Tweek.\nCartman: Oh, so that's where all my underpants go.\nKyle: Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.\nStan: Yeah, I've never seen any underpants gnomes.\nTweek: They come out at 3:30 in the morning. Most people aren't up then, but I am. I can't sleep. Ever.\nKyle: Dude, we can't do a presentation on underpants gnomes. Mr. Garrison will fail us because you're making it up.\nTweek: No!! Sleep at my house tonight; I'll prove it to you.\nScene Description: The Tweak house that night. Richard Tweak and his wife are in the kitchen. They have three coffeemakers going on at once. Coffee mugs are everywhere.\nRichard: They want me to sell the store, and it's so much money.\nMrs. Tweak: Some things are more important than money. [turns around] The people of South Park count on you to give them that first cup of coffee every day.\nRichard: I know, but if they open a Harbucks right next door, we might go out of business. They really have my balls in a vice grip.\nScene Description: Tweek and the boys enter.\nMrs. Tweak: Oh, hello, son. How was your day?\nTweek: UUuuUunh!\nMrs. Tweek: That's good. Who are your little friends?\nTweek: What do you mean?!\nKyle: We're his oral report buddies.\nStan: Yeah, we have to stay up all night to write it.\nMrs. Tweak: Well, have some coffee boys. I'll brew up another pot for later.\nScene Description: The boys each take a cup.\nKyle: Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.\nMrs. Tweak: Hoh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh.\nRichard: [waxing prosaic] Country fresh, like the morning after a rainstorm.\nStan: 'Kay. Maybe it'll help us figure out what to do our report on. We have to present it to the entire South Park town committee tomorrow.\nRichard: Oh. I've got one for you. How about doing a report on how large corporations take over little family-owned businesses?\nMrs. Tweak: Richard!\nRichard: No, I'm- serious, hon. These boys should learn how the corporate machine is ruining America. You see, I own a coffee shop and now a great, big, multi-million dollar company is going to move in and try to take all my business, which means I may have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery.\nTweek: Mwaaah! Slavery?\nRichard: Yes, slavery.\nStan: [to Tweek] Wow, that sucks, dude.\nRichard: They really have my balls in a salad shooter.\nKyle: We're already doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes.\nStan: Yeah.\nMrs. Tweak: Now, Tweek, how many times do we have to tell you? Your underpants are missing because you lose them, not because of underpants gnomes.\nTweek: Uunnnnhh!\nKyle: Come on, you guys! We better get to work!\nScene Description: Tweek and the boys leave the kitchen.\nRichard: Wuh-okay, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject.\nMrs. Tweak: Honestly, Richard. I don't see why you have to preach to some eight-year olds.\nRichard: Actually, honey, I think those little tykes are just what we need. I've got an idea.\nScene Description: Later that night, in Tweek's room, the boys sip their coffee.\nKyle: Man, this stuff is strong.\nStan: Kind of bitter.\nTweek: [in a corner of the room, scared] What if my parents go out of business? Uh what'll I do?\nKyle: [going to him] Don't worry about it.\nTweek: But we'll starve and die like dogs.\nCartman: Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny?\nKenny: (Fuck you!)\nCartman: Heheh, you suck, Kenny.\nKyle: Well, let's just try to finish all this coffee, so we can stay up.\nScene Description: Still later: 10:08p.m.. The boys are hyperactive.\nStan: Aooooo!\nKyle: Woohoo!\nKenny: (Let me try! Let me try!)\nStan: Yeess, this stuff rocks!\nKyle: Totally, dudes! I feel awesome!\nStan: [running] Whoopee!\nScene Description: Kenny jumps high enough to knock down the bedside lamp. The shade goes to the floor. 10:09 p.m.\nCartman: [running around the rim of a throw rug like an Olympian] You guys! You guys! Seriously! I'm a sorcerer! Zhyagah, zhyah, zhyagot that.\nKyle: Hey, Tweek, you got anymore of this stuff?\nTweek: I just have grounds.\nKyle: Killer!! [goes for it and eats it raw]\nCartman: [rushing up] Ey, let me have some grounds. [take some, swallows, and throws up]\nKyle: Gross, Cartman. Whoopee!\nScene Description: 10:15 p.m. gives way to 3:26 a.m., which finds the boys sitting against the bed. Tweek is on it, and Cartman is passed out next to the toys, surrounded by pools of vomit. Kenny looks sleepy.\nKyle: Hogh, my stomach hurts.\nStan: Yeah, mine too. I wonder why.\nKyle: [peeved] Well, it's 3:30; I don't see any god-damned underpants gnomes, Tweek.\nTweek: Urgh. Uh maybe, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm going insane! Oh no I'm going insane!\nStan: [cross] Well, this is just great! We haven't gotten anything done, and we're totally screwed!\nRichard: [checking] How's the report going, boys?\nStan: Bad!\nRichard: Oh, do you need some more coffee?\nBoys: Eugh.\nCartman: No...more...coffee. Blech. [the vomit falls back on him and on the ground]\nRichard: Well, boys, uh. I don't mean to pry, but, if you want it, I wrote your report for you.\nAll: [suddenly bright] You did?!\nRichard: Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers. Of course, you don't have to use it.\nStan: [goes with Kyle to get it] No, we'll use it.\nRichard: Alright. [Kyle takes it] And it can be our little secret about who wrote it, right?\nScene Description: Tweek begins to hear some elfin music: \"Time to go to work,\"\nKyle: Sure. [\"work all night\"]\nRichard: Now, when you give the report, [Tweek gasps and points] just make sure that you read this part first, okay? [the gnomes open the door and enter:\"Search for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day\"]\nTweek: There they are!\nRichard: [A gnome goes for Tweek's bottom drawer, opens it, and takes out some underpants.\"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day\"]And when you come up to do it a second time, really, really clear it up, I mean, um, really, really play the sympathy angle. They'll like that. They'll be calling you, and you'll get a passing grade for it.\nTweek: [\"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!\"]You guys, look! Look! You're missing it![the gnomes take off with two pairs of underpants:\"We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day!\"]\nTweek: Arrgghh! They took them again!\nKyle: [to Richard] Thanks, dude.\nRichard: My pleasure. G'night, boys.\nStan: Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks!\nTweek: Why do they torture me like this?! Why can't they leave me alone?!\nKyle: Damnit! What the hell is wrong with you, Tweek?!\nTweek: They took my underpants again! Soon they'll want my blood! Blood! Euuggh!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the next day. The five-member South Park committee listens as Tweek's group speaks.\nKyle: [haltingly] \"And as the voluminous corporate automaton bulldozes its way through bantam America...\nCartman: [steps forward] What will become of the endeavoring American family?\"\nMr. Garrison: [off to one side, notices the lack of fluency] I don't think they wrote this, Mr. Hat.\nStan: Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine.\nTweek: [throbs] Uurrgh!\nKyle: And that's our report, I guess.\nMr. Garrison: Well, boys, it's obvious you didn't even-\nLady Member: Great job!\nMr. Garrison: [falling in] Yes, great job.\nLady Member: Boys, you have really opened our eyes. We didn't even know this was happening.\nCartman: Neither did we.\nLady Member: Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like we were wrong about you. You really are teaching these kids something.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, well, I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but I told you so.\nLady Member: Aw, I am really moved. I say we follow these boys's cause. Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers! [the members stand] Lead the way, boys!\nStan: Huh??\nTweek: Uunh, it's too much pressure!\nScene Description: Harbucks is going up.\nPostum: [directing] Good! Good! Now, make sure that sign is really bright and flashy now.\nMrs. Tweak: My goodness. That's going to be a huge coffee house, honey.\nRichard: Yes, it is. [places his hand over his groin] They really have my balls in a juice maker. [removes it as the boys stop by] Oh, hello, son, uh. How did your report go?\nTweek: Waagh!\nKyle: I think it went really good. Those people really got into it.\nRichard: Really?? Well, son, you might have just saved the family business. What do you have to say about that?\nTweek: I need coffee.\nRichard: I know how you boys feel. [walks to a cup on a stump] Sometimes a hot cup of French Roast Amaretto is just what a man needs to get him through the day. That smooth aroma and mild taste is what make Tweek coffee... [picks up the cup and places his left foot on the stump, right hand on his hip] uh very special. Special, like an Arizona sunrise or a juniper wet with dew. A light rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon or a hug from your dear old aunt- [a chorus is heard].\nTweek: Dad!\nRichard: What?\nTweek: The metaphors, man!\nRichard: Oh, sorry. Here you go. [hands him the cup]\nKyle: Hey. Do you ever think maybe you shouldn't give your son coffee?\nMrs. Tweak: Liike, how do you mean?\nKyle: Like look at him. He's always shaking and nervous.\nTweek: Agghh!\nMrs. Tweak: [holding a bag of Tweekers BLEND] Oh, that. He has ADD, attention deficit disorder. That's why he's so jittery all the time.\nScene Description: The town commitee arrives.\nLady Member: Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard.\nRichard: Oh, hello committee members. What a surprise.\nLady Member: So, this is the corporate bulldozer trying to push you off the map. [Harbucks, with four tables on the roof]\nRichard: Yes. How did you hear?\nLady Member 2: These boys did an excellent report for us this morning. They're so upset by this whole thing.\nKyle: My butt hurts.\nLady Member: Don't worry, Mr. Tweek. This committee is not going to let you be run out of business by these bastards! Do you hear that? You're not gonna get away with this, you whore!\nPostum: Excuse me?!\nLady Member 2: Boys, we've talked it over, and we want you to take your case to the mayor!\nStan: Our case?\nTweek: Uuhhh, no way, man! That is way too much pressure!\nRichard: [dismissing his son's apprehension] Oh, you'll do fine, son.\nLady Member 2: Come on, boys! Let's go!\nCartman: [pissed] Aw, man, this sucks!\nScene Description: The boys begin to walk with the town committee.\nTweek: [fretting] Aaarrrnnn!\nScene Description: City Hall. Mr. Garrison is present with the boys and the town committee.\nLady Member: ...And we would have never even known that this was happening if not for these boys' excellent report.\nMayor: You're telling me that students from Mr. Garrison's class actually did something that had some kind of relevance to the world?\nLady Member: That's right.\nScene Description: Garrison is shown.\nMayor: Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet?\nLady Member: Yes!\nMayor: Well, I must say, Garrison, perhaps you're not as stupid and crazy as I always tell people you are.\nMr. Garrison: Thank you, Mayor. I don't wanna sound like a dickhole, but I-\nLady Member: Mayor, these boys want that Harbucks coffee shut down right now!\nMale Member: Yeah!\nLady Member 2: Yeah!\nMayor: Well, I can't just shut them down, this is a free country.\nLady Member: But they're ruining our city!\nMayor: Look, the best I can do is create a proposition. We'll call it Prop. 10. The town can vote on it, and if it passes, we'll see what we can do.\nBlond Member: Hooray!\nThe Other Members: Hooray!\nLady Member: [ecstatic] What do you say, boys? We're gonna pass a law!\nStan: Uh... Hooray.\nMayor: So I guess you wanna do some campaigning. [Tweek hears the gnomes coming] You can do commercials and things like that, and then we'll have a vote in the middle of town. And obviously, if more than 50% of the people even show up...[\"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum dayTime to go to work, work all night\" The gnomes go up to Johnson and pull his underpants out]\nTweek: Wagh!\nMayor: [\"Search for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have...\" A gnome tosses the underpants to two others, who carry it away over their heads. They all leave]...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then, they're out. So, good luck to you. [the town committee leaves]\nTweek: Didn't you see them!?\nMayor: Alright, what's next.\nTed: Next is issue 37D, missing underpants. [hands the issue to her]\nJohnson: Is it cold in here?\nMr. Garrison: Uh, boys, can I have a quick this and that with you? Boys, I don't know who wrote that report, but now that you've convinced everybody, you'd better stick with it. 'Cause if these people find out you didn't really write that paper, and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat is gonna do horrible things to you. [pretends Mr. Hat is saying something to him] Oh, not that, Mr. Hat! That's really horrible! Anyway, good luck passing your new law, boys.\nTweek: Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna do, huh?!\nScene Description: South Park Town Hall Meeting.\nHost: Live, it's the South Park Town Hall Meeting on Public Access. Tonight's topic: Prop. 10.\nScene Description: The audience claps.\nMediator: Should Harbucks be allowed to open a store in South Park? That's tonight's topic. On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed boys from Middle America. [shot of the boys] On my right, a big, fat, smelly corporate guy from New York.\nAudience: Boo!\nPostum: Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!\nMediator: All right, Mr. Douchebag.\nPostum: Postum!\nMediator: Oh. Pardon me, Mr. Assface. Anyway, let's hear your side of the argument.\nAudience: Boo!\nPostum: My argument is simple. This country's founded on free enterprise. Harbucks is an organization that-\nAudience: Hhssssssss!\nPostum: An organization that prides itself on great coffee! We simply want tuh- Oh, to hell with you!\nMediator: [the hissing stops] Okay, ucka-fay. Now for the other side of the argument we turn to our young, handsome lads. [the boys stay silent] Boys, your thoughts. [Tweek twitches] Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's your principal argument?\nScene Description: Nothing. A stern Mr. Garrison crosses his arms.\nKyle: Uh...\nStan: Uh...\nCartman: This guy sucks ass!\nAudience: Yeah! Yeah! Woo!\nMediator: Great argument! You win, boys!\nPostum: What?!\nMr. Garrison: [softly, relieved] That was close, Mr. Hat.\nScene Description: The boys' first commercial, beginning with an American flag waving, filling the screen.\nVoice-over: What is the future of America? Is it the money we make? [a $1 bill] The quests we conquer? [the Moon shot] No, it's children. [head shots of Tweek and the boys] So what do children have to say about Prop. 10?\nKyle: [screen right to screen left] I don't like big corporations.\nStan: [rising from the bottom] I like small businesses.\nCartman: [screen left to screen right] I believe in the family-owned enterprise.\nKenny: [dropping from the top] (In my family, it's a silly enterprise.)\nTweek: [screen right to screen left] Aarrgghh!\nVoice-over: It's time to stop large corporations. Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children. You don't hate... children... do you? Remember, keep American business small, or else. [the kids' heads combust and only their skulls are left in flames, with charred caps.] Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks Coffee kicked out of town forever.\nScene Description: The TV clicks off, and everyone is in the studio.\nLady Member: Well, what do you think?\nRichard: Wow, it it's great!\nLady Member: [confidently] Yes, it is. We'll put it on the air immediately.\nRichard: What do you think, hon? [she crosses her arms and moves away him. He follows] Hon? What's the matter?\nScene Description: Mrs. Tweak turns to him.\nMrs. Tweak: I have a big problem with this.\nRichard: What do you mean?\nMrs. Tweak: We are just using those boys for our benefit. They have no idea what they're saying.\nRichard: But, kids are great to get people on our side.\nMrs. Tweak: You don't just throw a child in a political commercial to sell your beliefs. I won't be a part of this anymore. [walks out the door]\nRichard: Honey, all's fair in love and war. [softly] And coffee. Hon? Hu-hon?\nScene Description: Harbucks' grand opening. Protesters arrive.\nLady Protester: Take your corporate coffee and go back to New York City!\nCrowd: Yeah!!\nBlonde Protester: It's people like you who are ruining Main Street, USA!\nScene Description: Postum looks out through the window.\nCrowd: That's right! Yeah!\nLady Protester: How many Native Americans did you slaughter to make that coffee, huh?!\nCrowd: [after a pause] Yeah!!\nPostum: [inside] Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee! I'll have to try and appeal to the younger crowd.\nScene Description: Later. The crowd now marches in front of Harbucks. To the right, Harbucks' mascot, wearing a fez, holds a tray of coffee cups topped with whipped cream before a boy.\nPostum: [the man in the camel] Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe and I love a fresh cup of coffee. It's yum diddly-icious, and it makes you feel super! [a small boy is listening] I have a surprise for you: the new Kiddicino from Harbucks; more sugar and all the other goodies kids like with all the caffeine of a normal double latte.\nScene Description: The kid reaches for one.\nKid's Mom: [rushing up] No Billy, no coffee for you. [to Camel Joe] You should be ashamed of yourself, using cartoons to push caffeine on children!\nPostum: [rips off the helmet] Why don't you go back to the hole you crawled out from, lady?!\nRichard: [intervening] Uh, Mr. Postum, I'm afraid you've got a lot to learn about making coffee.\nPostum: Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes like three-day-old moldy diarrhea!\nRichard: Uh, I'm sorry to inform you that this town is having a vote tomorrow, and if the law passes, you're gonna be thrown out of town.\nPostum: What?!\nRichard: At five o'clock, the best coffee wins. Either your coffee, or a fresh, warm cup of... Tweek's coffee. [brings out a bag of Tweekers BLEND, then hugs it] Like an old sweater that keeps getting warmer with age, you can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day. [turns and walks away]\nMayor: [arriving with her aides] Tomorrow, for the Prop. 10 vote, we'll set up ballot booths... here. [between the two coffee shops] All right, men, we'll throw up the stage here. Before the vote we'll get a band everyone likes, like uhhhh, like...\nJohnson: Toto.\nMayor: Like Toto. And then the Harbucks guy will have five minutes to speak and the boys will have five minutes to speak, and then the town votes.\nMr. Garrison: [standing with the boys in front of Tweek Bros.] Uh, boys, you better get your asses to work.\nCartman: What now?\nMr. Garrison: They're expecting you to give a big speech on corporate takeovers, and this time it has to last five minutes.\nKyle: Oh, God, when is this gonna end?\nStan: Your dad really screwed us, Tweek!\nTweek: Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this! I'm to blame for everything!\nScene Description: Tweek's house that night, Tweek's room. Tweek is on the floor and the others are on his bed.\nKyle: So what are we gonna say?\nCartman: Why can't we just read the paper we wrote last time?\nStan: 'Cause then they'll know we didn't write it, dummy! We have to be original!\nKyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations? [the gnomes return, and Tweek gasps. The door opens and the gnomes enter, singing their theme:\"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey\"]\nTweek: [\"We won't stop\"] Waagh!\nCartman: [\"until we have underpants\"] I think my mom is a corporation.\nStan: [\"Yum tum yummy tum day!\"] Yeah, that makes sense.\nTweek: You guys! Sshhhh! [\"Time to go to work\"]\nKyle: Well, how about we just say, \"corporates should be stopped\"?[\"work all nightSearch for underpants, hey\"]\nStan: How do we stretch that into five minutes?\nTweek: They're taking my underpants![\"We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day\"]\nKyle: [looking down] Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, Tweek?! We have to work here! [\"Time to go to work\"]\nTweek: [points at the gnomes] Aaaggghhh! [\"work all nightSearch for underpants, hey\"They open the bottom drawer and go for the underpants]\nStan: What the hell? [\"We won't stop\"]\nCartman: [\"until we have underpants\"] Well, I'll be damned.\nTweek: [\"Yum tum yummy tum day!\"] That's my last pair of underpants! [\"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey...\" The gnomes go for the door, and the boys hop off the bed to follow. One gnome stops and faces the boys]\nKyle: Sshh, don't scare him.\nStan: Hey there, little guy.\nCartman: Bad! [whacks the gnome with a stick]\nKyle: Cartman!\nCartman: What?!\nKyle: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?!\nCartman: Well, look at him. He's all, you know, uh l-look at him. [whacks him again]\nGnome: Is that all you've got, pussy?\nCartman: What?! [advances]\nStan: Hey, he talks!\nCartman: Yeah, he called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy, you're a pussy!\nGnome: You're a pussy, pussy!\nCartman: Ey!\nStan: Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?\nKyle: Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid.\nTweek: Waggh.\nGnome: Stealing underpants big business.\nStan: Business? Wait, do you know anything about business?\nGnome: Sure, that's what gnomes do.\nKyle: Show us.\nGnome: O-kay. Follow me. [goes for the door]\nCartman: [muttering] Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a pussy, pussy gnome.\nScene Description: The woods. The gnome leads them on to his cave.\nGnome: Not much longer now.\nCartman: Oh, are you gonna take us to your little pussy house?\nGnome: No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village.\nCartman: Oh, your pussy village?\nStan: Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?\nGnome: [reaches a tree, knocks on its base and a door opens] Follow me.\nCartman: [the boys look at him] I hope we're not wasting our time with this little pecker.\nScene Description: Starbucks, early morn. Workers put on the finishing touches to the coffee store.\nPostum: Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it in this town. [turns around] All right, boys, that's it. Pack it up, we're movin' out of town.\nWorker 1: Aw, but we just finished.\nPostum: I know, but these folks obviously don't want us here.\nWorker 2: But what will become of us?\nPostum: Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez. Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: Underground. The boys are still following the gnome.\nStan: Damn, dude, this place is huge!\nScene Description: Before them is a pile of underpants as tall as a man. Some of them are colored.\nKyle: Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's ass.\nCartman: [exhales] No it isn't, you guys!\nGnome: This is where all our work is done.\nCartman: So what are you gonna do with all these underpants that you steal?\nGnome: Collecting underpants is just phase 1. Phase 1: collect underpants.\nKyle: Sooo, what's phase 2?\nGnome: [has no response. Looks around, then calls out to the other gnomes on the underpants mound] Hey, what's phase 2?\nGnome 2: Phase 1: we collect underpants.\nGnome: Yeah yeah yeah, but, what about phase 2?\nGnome 2: [says nothing, then] Well, phase 3 is profit. Get it?\nStan: I don't get it.\nGnome 2: [walks up to a large chart] You see,Phase 1: collect underpants. Phase 2: ... Phase 3: Profit.\nCartman: Oh, I get it.\nStan: No you don't, fatass!\nKyle: Do you guys know anything about corporations?\nGnome: You bet we do!\nGnome 2: Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.\nGnomes: [three of them move a cart up a track]Time to go to work, work all nightSe-\nCenter Gnome: [the cart falls off the track and on down] Jesus Christ, look out!\nScene Description: The cart lands on Kenny.\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.\nKyle: You bastards. Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers.\nGnome: Holy shit! We've killed your friend!\nStan: Yeahyeahyeah. Look. We've gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed.\nGnome 2: Christ, we squished him like a bug!\nStan: Do you know anything about corporate takeovers?\nGnome: Well, we can explain that to you easily.\nGnome 2: Yes, for a price.\nKyle: What?\nGnome: You know.\nStan: Underpants?\nGnomes: Underpants!\nScene Description: Harbucks, daytime. Prop. 10 supporters are out in force and Toto is performing.\nLady Member: [taking the stage] Toto, ladies and gentlemen!\nScene Description: The band leaves.\nProp. 10 Supporter: Yeah, Toto! Whoo, Toto! Woo!\nLady Member: All right. And now, before we all vote yes on Prop. 10, here to remind us why are the lovable, innocent children.\nStan: Uh. Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers, we went and asked our friends, the underpants gnomes, and they told us all about big corporations.\nSupporter: Underpants gnomes?\nKyle: Big corporations are good!\nSupporter: What?\nSupporter 2: What's this?\nSupporter 3: Good? [the Lady Member is cross]\nKyle: Because without big corporations we wouldn't have things like cars and computers and canned soup.\nStan: Even Harbucks Coffee started off as a small, little business. But because it made such great coffee, and because they ran their business so well, they managed to grow and grow until it became the corporate powerhouse it is today. And that is why we should all let Harbucks stay!\nScene Description: The crowd is stunned.\nTownsman: Ogh.\nLady Member: That's not what you said last time.\nKyle: Uuuh. Well, the truth is, we didn't write that paper last time.\nScene Description: Gasps from the crowd.\nMr. Garrison: You little turds!! You've ruined my life for the last time!!\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady and another man haul him off. Mrs. Tweek claps for the boys and goes onstage.\nMrs. Tweak: These boys are absolutely right. We've been using these poor kids to pull at your heartstrings for our cause, and it's wrong. We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner. You keep protesting and complaining, but did any of you ever even bother to taste Harbucks coffee? [shot of the town committee. The crowd blinks] Harbucks coffee got to where it is by being the best. Don't you think you should at least try it?\nScene Description: The crowd parts as Postum exits Harbucks with a tray of his coffee, then closes in to get the coffee. Some people taste it.\nTownsman: Hey, this is pretty damn good.\nTownsman 2: Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw, sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has.\nRichard: [comes over for a taste] Hey. Hey, that is good.\nPostum: It's a French roast.\nRichard: It's subtle and mild. Mild, like that first splash of sun on an April morning. This coffee is coffee the way it should be.\nPostum: Hehey, no hard feelings, Tweek. You know, we still need someone to run this Harbucks coffeehouse. I'm sure it will make a lot of money.\nRichard: Thank you, Mr. Postum, but I think we'll be happy with the money we make selling our son into slavery.\nTweek: Aggghhh!\nRichard: Just kidding, son.\nScene Description: Everyone laughs. The gnomes come and remove the pants from a townsman behind Tweek's right shoulder.\nCartman: I love you guys. [more laughter]\nScene Description: '[End of Gnomes. And what do the gnomes sing?Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day!]'"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman pilots his boat down a river.\nAussie: As we steer our boat down [the boys are on the sofa looking at TV], looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. [it slips into the water] He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. [it looks up at him] This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off.\nKenny: (Oh, no!) [tightens his hood up]\nAussie: I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole.\nStan: Holy crap. dude!\nAussie: If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. [jumps in and grabs the crocodile] Oh, boy, it's pissed off now.\nKyle: Go, dude, go! [excited, the boys jump on the sofa]\nAussie: I'm gonna jam my thumb in its butthole now! This should really piss it off! [reaches down with his left thumb to do it. The croc jumps up in pain and drops] Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right! [the boys cheer] I've gotta be careful!\nStan: This guy rules!\nKenny: (He actually killed it!)\nCartman: I told you guys.\nAussie: [with left arm now bandaged and in a sling] Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching.\nKyle: [to Stan] Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!\nStan: Yeah!\nScene Description: The four of them hop to the floor and walk out the front door.\nScene Description: The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with water guns.\nCartman: [with Aussie accent] There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!\nKyle: That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis!\nCartman: [advancing towards Kyle] Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey!\nKyle: Get away from me, Cartman! [backs away]\nCartman: Come 'ere, crocky.\nKyle: [trips over a rock and tumbles down the slope] AAAAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: The boys follow him to a hole.\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: [from the bottom of a dark shaft. His figure disappears] HELP! [thud]\nStan: Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!\nKenny: (You bastard!)\nCartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. [backs up]\nStan: Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue!\nCartman: Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles! [turns around and walks off]\nKyle: You guuuys!\nStan: [to Cartman] Hey, he's still alive. [looks down and calls] Kyle, you okay? [Cartman returns and looks down]\nKyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?\nCartman: I'm right here, Kyle.\nKyle: Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat.\nCartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!\nStan: Can you climb back up, dude?\nKyle: I don't think so.\nStan: Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him.\nCartman: [moves away] Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles.\nScene Description: Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside.\nStan: Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach! [his vomit goes everywhere] Bluchluchluchluch.\nKyle: Sick, dude! [wipes some off his cap]\nStan: Sorry. [Cartman slips a bit] What the hell are you doing, fat boy?! [drops to the cave ground and stands up]\nCartman: Screw you, hippie!\nKyle: Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here.\nStan: All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this?\nScene Description: He walks to an ice pillar nearby. Kyle follows. Stan rubs some frost away from the pillar, revealing a frozen man.\nBoth: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nKyle: Dude, it's a dude!\nScene Description: Stan takes a closer look.\nStan: He's like, some frozen guy.\nCartman: Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here!\nStan: Shut up, Cartman! [to Kyle] Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends.\nKyle: Wow. Cool.\nStan: [to Cartman and Kenny] You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope!\nCartman: Really? [to Kenny] Hey, there's a frozen guy down there.\nStan: [to Kyle] Help me chip some of the ice away.\nCartman: Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about \"Greased Lightning.\" [no response] You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the-\nStan and Kyle: [frustrated by Cartman's talkativeness] CARTMAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET SOME MORE ROPE?!\nCartman: Aww, screw you guys anyway!\nStan: Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward?\nKyle: Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy!\nBoth: Hooray!\nCartman: For what?\nScene Description: On the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a sled while the other three push from behind.\nStan: Where shall we bring it?\nKyle: I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it.\nStan: I think I'm going to name it Gorak.\nKyle: No, dude! We have to name it Steve.\nStan: [stops] Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve? [Cartman pulls, but isn't going anywhere]\nKyle: It's my name, and I found him.\nStan: You didn't find him, I found him.\nKyle: What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was!\nStan: You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out.\nKyle: Kenny, who found the ice man?\nKenny: (Well, I think you guys should name it Steve.)\nCartman: I think we're almost there, you guys.\nScene Description: City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd of townspeople is watching.\nMayor McDaniels: Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say \"yippee.\"\nSome people: Yippee.\nTardy Man: Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee! [raises both hands]\nMayor McDaniels: All those opposed, say \"nay.\"\nOther people: Nay.\nTardy Man: Screw you! [punches the guy to his right]\nMan: Ey! Screw you! [hits the tardy man, and everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice man]\nStan: Huh, excuse me?\nMayor McDaniels: Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment. [quite vigorously, too]\nKyle: But we found a frozen ice man from the past! [all stop]\nStan: I found this frozen guy in the woods today.\nKyle: No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today.\nMayor McDaniels: What the hell is going on here?\nKyle: We came for our reward.\nCartman: Yeah, like the kid with the wallet.\nMayor McDaniels: [annoyed] Reward? What reward?\nDr. Mephesto: [arriving] Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link [close-up] in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time.\nMayor: Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off.\nDr. Mephesto: Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him.\nStan: Really.\nKyle: Sweet. How about Steve?\nDr. Mephesto: Steve it is.\nStan: Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!\nDr. Mephesto: Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. [pushes Larry away with Kevin. Stan is not happy at Kyle's sleight of word] Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available.\nScene Description: The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Inside, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method.\nDr. Mephesto: This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era. [turns off the blow dryer and picks up a flashlight to inspect the man] Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! [Kevin expresses shock] This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away.\nScene Description: The lab door flies open and cameras flash all around. Officer Barbrady tries to hold the press back by barring entrance through the door.\nOfficer Barbrady: Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here.\nReporter: What about the prehistoric ice man?\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. There is that. [lowers his arms, and the press rushes in.]\nReporter: Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?\nDr. Mephesto: Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. [the press mills around, taking pictures] But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! [some reporters gasp] Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes.\nScene Description: News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman stamped with a question mark.\nReporter: Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say:\nKyle: [Stan and Kenny in the background] Well, I fell down this ice cavern, [Stan interrupts him with \"la\"s] and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope- [Kenny looks at Stan, and Kyle glances back]\nReporter: The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street.\nScene Description: The genetic engineering ranch.\nDr. Mephesto: That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy.\nLarry: [stirs] Uuuurrr.\nDr. Mephesto: Ugh? What's this?\nLarry: [stirs more] Mmmmm.\nMayor McDaniels: Holy crap! He's alive??\nDr. Mephesto: That's impossible! [to Kevin] Do an EKG on him!\nScene Description: Kevin hits Larry on the head with the hammer.\nLarry: Uugh! [Raises his right arm to his head to soothe the pain]\nDr. Mephesto: My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him!\nMayor McDaniels: [alarmed] Well, quick, do something!\nDr. Mephesto: No no, we've got to think this through. [takes the mayor aside] Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused!\nMayor McDaniels: Well, you just can't let him die.\nDr. Mephesto: Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time.\nLarry: Uh, ughn.\nDr. Mephesto: [moves towards him] Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak!\nLarry: [eyes open] Where... where am I?\nReporter 1: What?\nReporter 2: What's he saying?\nReporter 3: Is that English?\nDr. Mephesto: What? You're, you're hungry?\nLarry: Where am I?\nDr. Mephesto: You're, you're hungry?\nLarry: What's goin' on?\nDr. Mephesto: Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to.\nLarry: Huh?\nDr. Mephesto: Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers. [Kevin hits Larry a couple more times, and Larry soothes his head again] If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child.\nScene Description: The boys walk along the curb on their was home.\nStan: Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak.\nKyle: Gorak's a gay name.\nStan: No, it isn't!\nKyle: Why are you being such a dick?\nStan: I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick!\nKyle: Nuh-uh!\nOfficer Barbrady: [rushing up] Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man.\nKyle: I'll go.\nStan: No, I'll go! I found him!\nCartman: Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this!\nOfficer Barbrady: All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes. [thumbs come out] My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out? [Lands on Kenny]\nKenny: (Blue.)\nOfficer Barbrady: B L O O uh oh-O spells \"blue\" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown. [The boys look confused]\nScene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. Larry is now sitting up.\nDr. Mephesto: Steve. You-\nLarry: Where am I?\nDr. Mephesto: Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve. [the door opens, and the boys rush in] Oh good, you're here.\nStan: Oh my God, they revived Gorak.\nKyle: You bastards!\nDr. Mephesto: Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying.\nScene Description: He takes Stan to Larry.\nStan: Uh, hi.\nLarry: Hi.\nDr. Mephesto: [rushing] What'd he say?\nStan: He said, \"hi.\"\nDr. Mephesto: Very interesting.\nLarry: Where am I?\nDr. Mephesto: What??\nStan: He wants to know where he is.\nDr. Mephesto: Tell him, tell him he's... home.\nStan: You're... home.\nScene Description: Larry scratches his head.\nDr. Mephesto: In the year 1999.\nLarry: It's 1999??\nDr. Mephesto: He's been frozen for the last 32 months.\nStan: Dude, you've been frozen 32 months.\nDr. Mephesto: And we found you-\nLarry: What? Thirty-two months?!\nDr. Mephesto: All right, all right, all-\nLarry: Aaaa! [throws over a tray]\nDr. Mephesto: All right, all right, calm down.\nLarry: [panics] AAAAAAA!\nDr. Mephesto: I think that's enough for today. [sedates him]\nLarry: Whoa, oh.\nKyle: Good job, dude! You freaked him out!\nStan: Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him.\nScene Description: They face each other. Cartman looks on, between them.\nKyle: Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!\nCartman: Sweet.\nStan: Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend!\nCartman: Killer.\nKyle: Fine! [turns and walks away]\nStan: Fine! [turns and walks away]\nCartman: Fine.\nScene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell.\nAgent: [one of three] Are you Alphonse Mephesto?\nDr. Mephesto: The same.\nAgent: We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996.\nDr. Mephesto: That's right.\nAgent: We would like to... [notices Kevin and stares] we would like to offer our services in your experiments.\nDr. Mephesto: Oh? Where are you gents from?\nAgent 2: We are from the University, of... America.\nDr. Mephesto: Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in. [opens the door and makes way for them] He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in, [as he leads them, familiar animals can be seen in display cages: four-assed monkey, four-assed mongoose, four-assed ostrich] but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat.\nAgent: Habitat?\nDr. Mephesto: [they turn the corner into a darkened area] Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented.\nScene Description: He turns on the light, and Ace of Base's \"All That She Wants\" blares from a stereo.\nAgent: Amazing. He looks so much like us.\nScene Description: Larry sits on a \"Hunchback of Notre Dame\" bed, with posters of \"Fargo\" and \"Independence Day\" on the back wall.\nDr. Mephesto: Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing:\nScene Description: He holds up evolution of man drawing with \"Steve\" right before the modern man.\nAgent: Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative.\nDr. Mephesto: How would we do that?\nAgent: It's easy.\nScene Description: Dr. Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to Ace of Base's \"The Sign\". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto stands at a podium.\nDr. Mephesto: As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers.\nScene Description: The boys appear on the sidewalk.\nStan: He doesn't look very happy in there.\nKyle: No, he sure doesn't.\nStan: I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman!\nKyle: Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!\nCartman: Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden.\nDr. Mephesto: Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him. [Larry throws the mouse away, then overturns the computer in a fit of rage. The viewers are alarmed as he moves towards the window] It's okay, he can't hurt you. [they chuckle in relief] It's one-way glass: he can't even see us. [Larry goes to the back wall] And now the ice man watches television.\nScene Description: Click. The Aussie hunter is on TV. A grizzly bear is man-handling him.\nAussie: This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now.\nDr. Mephesto: [to the Agents] Wait. This could be dangerous.\nAgent: How so?\nDr. Mepehsto: He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him.\nSports Reporter: And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl!\nLarry: What?!! Rrrowrrr!\nScene Description: He throws the TV off the cabinet and the crowd recoils. He senses the crowd, as he turns towards the glass and growls.\nStan: [approaches with Kyle and Cartman] You guys aren't being very nice to my creature.\nKyle: He's my creature!\nDr. Mephesto: He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him.\nStan: Let him out, dude. He's scared.\nAgent: He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now?\nKyle: But it isn't right!\nAgent 2: Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.\nScene Description: Stan turns and walks to the window. He looks at \"Steve\" in empathy. More people come by to look at the ice man.\nKenny: [notices the end of the sidewalk] (Uh oh. Ow!)\nScene Description: He slips down between the sidewalk and the landing, and is flattened to death. His remains reappear at the other end.\nStan: [gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [looks at Kyle]\nKyle: What?! I'm not talking to you! [walks away]\nScene Description: Later that night.\nStan: [a voice in the night] Gorak! [he rushes to the habitat, then heads to the access door] Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?\nLarry: Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6.\nStan: I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out.\nLarry: Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. Thanks!\nScene Description: A door opens off-screen, and Stan turns to see who it is. Kyle appears.\nStan: What are you doing here?\nKyle: [reaches the access door] I'm here to bust out Steve.\nStan: What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak.\nKyle: His name is Steve!\nStan: His name is Gorak!\nLarry: My name is Larry.\nKyle: Steve!\nStan: Gorak!\nKyle: Steve!\nStan: What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!\nKyle: Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man.\nStan: [looks up at Larry, who looks back] No he doesn't!!\nKyle: Does so!\nLarry: Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family?\nStan: I found him, I'm rescuing him!\nScene Description: Kyle just opens the door.\nLarry: [to Kyle] Thanks. [leaves]\nStan: You're a dick!\nKyle: You're a dick!\nStan: You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!\nKyle: You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me!\nStan: Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!\nKyle: Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?\nStan: [hushed] Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3.\nKyle: [hushed] Oh yeah. [loudly] Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick! [walks away]\nStan: I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [turns his head aside] Wait. [walks off in the opposite direction]\nScene Description: The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across \"TELE'S,\" which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen.\nMarilyn Manson: I just smelled your britches and they're stinky Stinky Britches Stinky Britches\nLarry: Arrrggh!\nScene Description: He crashes through the window, takes the large-screen TV and smashes it to the ground, then walks away.\nScene Description: The genetic engineering ranch.\nDr. Mephesto: He's gone! The ice man has broken out!\nAgent: No, that's impossible! How could he have?\nDr. Mephesto: He must have used this... door.\nScene Description: A door to the outside is open next to him.\nAgent: Damn it, Damn it!\nDr. Mephesto: We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world!\nAgent: Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war-\nAgent 2: Sshhhh!\nAgent: Right.\nMephesto: What?\nAgent 2: What?\nAgent: Nothing.\nDr. Mephesto: No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what?\nAgent: [shrilly] Butlutlutlutlup!\nScene Description: Mephesto just stares at him.\nAgent 2: Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone?\nDr. Mephesto: I have no idea!\nAgent: We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance.\nScene Description: Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the door.\nWoman: Can I help you?\nLarry: Leslie. It's me, Larry. [she stares back, blankly] Your husband?\nLeslie: Husband? You're not my husband.\nLarry: Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years?\nWoman: I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass.\nLarry: That was me!\nLeslie: [a bit stunned] Oh.\nBig Man: [appears behind her] Who is it, lover?\nLeslie: It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about.\nBig Man: Ooooo. [he and Larry check each other out] Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night. [walks away]\nLarry: So you... remarried.\nLeslie: Yes, Lorry.\nLarry: Larry!\nLeslie: Uh, larry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on.\nLarry: Didn't anybody send out a search party?\nLeslie: We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace.\nLarry: Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused.\nLeslie: Leslie, I'm with Buck now. [must be the big dude shown earlier]\nLarry: You're Leslie.\nLeslie: Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together. [they appear] Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry.\nLarry: I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. [walks away. She closes the door, and he stops] Eight and thirteen? [wrong family?]\nScene Description: Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman is dressed as an outback hunter.\nCartman: Well, I don't see any crocs out here.\nStan: Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy!\nCartman: [walks over to a cat nearby] Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got! [the cat leaps up and scratches his face] Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch!\nScene Description: He feels the two scratches on his left cheek.\nStan: You suck as a best friend, Cartman!\nCartman: You son of a bitch cat!\nStan: [walks to Larry, bathing in a tub out in the open with the garden hose, and looks at him for a while] What are you doing, Gorak!\nLarry: [turns to see him] I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again.\nStan: Wow, that sucks, dude.\nLarry: Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over.\nKyle: [rushing in with a travel guide] Steve, wait!\nStan: What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!\nKyle: I've got something to show Steve, dick!\nStan: Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick!\nKyle: Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look!\nLarry: What is that? [drops the hose]\nKyle: It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see? [opens the guide to show Des Moines's assets] Everybody looks like you do. [flips the page] Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you.\nScene Description: He hands him the guide to look over.\nSorry: [closes it with affection] Home.\nKyle: Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines!\nStan: Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines!\nKyle: No you don't, butthole!\nScene Description: A helicopter is heard over the neighborhood, and Larry sees it. Dogs begin barking.\nLarry: They're coming for me!\nStan: Come on! [the three run away]\nCartman: Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face.\nScene Description: Mephesto and his agents arrive.\nDr. Mephesto: Was the ice man here?\nCartman: He might have been, by crikey.\nAgent: We have to get him back. Well, can you do it?\nAussie: [!] Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!\nCartman: Wow! Kick ass!\nScene Description: South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and a train is pulling in.\nStan: We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please.\nClerk: Des Moines? What the hell for?\nKyle: We have to get our friend, Steve-\nStan: My friend, Gorak!\nKyle: -to Des Moines, or else he's gonna melt away.\nStan: No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole!\nKyle: Frosty, Steve, whatever.\nClerk: Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat.\nScene Description: He sets to writing the ticket. The boys soon look at the clock on the wall.\nStan: Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock.\nKyle: Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now.\nLarry: Okay, boys. Thanks.\nScene Description: The boys walk off, then stop. Stan turns around.\nKyle: Okay. First one to die, loses.\nStan: 'K.\nKyle: Okay. [neither one moves]\nStan: O-okay.\nKyle: So, here we go. [puts up his fists]\nStan: 'K [puts up his fists]\nKyle: Go. [they lock fists and start fighting]\nScene Description: The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks.\nAussie: Wait a second. [bends down, picks up some snow and sniffs at it. Cartman imitates] I think he came through here recently.\nCartman: Yeah, I think the same thing.\nAgent: Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab.\nDr. Mephesto: He can't function out here in our time!\nAussie: [rising] Calm down, calm down.\nCartman: Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches.\nAussie: Wait! Look!\nDr. Mephesto: Is it him?\nAussie: No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. [curled up on a stump, it hisses] This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region. [quietly] Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! [leaps on the snake] Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! [his thumb sticks high in the air, then drops] Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right!\nDr. Mephesto: Does he always do this?\nAgent: [now cross, in a low voice] Yeah.\nCartman: I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now.\nScene Description: The train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting.\nStan: [punched by Kyle] Ow!\nKyle: [punched in return] Ow! [he throws Stan down]\nStan: Watch my coat, dude.\nKyle: Oh.\nLarry: [walks up] I got my ticket.\nStan: Huh? [both look at Larry]\nLarry: I have to go to Platform B.\nKyle: [blinks, then] Oh. Okay, it's over this way.\nScene Description: He leads him there with Stan. Larry takes a seat on a bench, and Stan and Kyle resume fighting.\nAussie: [shows up at the ticket booth with the hunting party] The trail ends here.\nAgent: The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere.\nDr. Mephesto: [to the clerk] Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose?\nClerk: What the hell are you talking about?\nDr. Mephesto: An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?!\nScene Description: Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see him off. They get back to fighting.\nLarry: Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys.\nStan: [panting] No problem, Gorak.\nKyle: Later.\nLarry: You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about.\nStan: Yup.\nKyle: Uh huh.\nLarry: After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world!\nStan: [panting] Right on.\nKyle: Cool.\nLarry: Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends!\nScene Description: The train pulls away. The boys watch it leave, then resume fighting.\nDr. Mephesto: [rushing up] Where is he? Where is Steve?!\nScene Description: Kyle and Stan butt heads and remain eye-to-eye.\nStan: His... name... is... Gorak!\nKyle: His name... is Steve!\nAgent: The train! [it passes the water tower]\nDr. Mephesto: We've got to stop it!\nAussie: No worries. [cocks his rifle and goes after Larry]\nAgent: Let's get him! [the party gives chase]\nStan and Kyle: No! [they stay behind, for a moment]\nScene Description: The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train.\nAgent: We've gotta stop that train!\nAussie: Come back here, you! [jumps onto the caboose landing]\nKyle: Steve! Steve, look out!\nStan: They're after you!\nScene Description: Larry looks out his window.\nAussie: Oh, he's a wily one!\nScene Description: He looks over the railing and sees Larry, then shows him his thumb and smiles.\nLarry: Oh, poo!\nKyle: Steve, look out!\nScene Description: Mephesto and the Agents have reached the engine.\nAussie: [meeting Larry in his car] Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole.\nLarry: Huh? [the Aussie pounces on him] Whah?!\nAgent: [reaches for the conductor's door] Stop the train!\nConductor: Hey, who are you?\nAgent: I said, stop that train!\nConductor: Yes, hello. I see you.\nCartman: They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey.\nScene Description: Atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle.\nLarry: [pins the Aussie] I've got you pinned. I win.\nAussie: [reverses the pin] Now I've got you pinned. I win!\nScene Description: On the tracks, Stan and Kyle try to keep up.\nConductor: [ducking gunshots from the Agent] Whoa!\nAgent: [a helicopter comes into view and descends] Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! [into a communicator] Go get him, boys! [the pilot acknowledges] Cut him off!\nLarry: [pinned on his stomach, his butt in the air] Nooo!\nAussie: Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here.\nLarry: [lets out a long, painful] Oohh!\nScene Description: The helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls on.\nPilot: Aah, the train's not stopping. [it gets closer...] It's not stopping! [...and closer...] AAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: Impact, but the train's the one that gets ruined.\nAussie: [thrown towards the helicopter] Holy bum-!\nScene Description: The blades chop him up.\nStan: [catching up] Where's Gorak??\nPilot: [steps off the chopper] Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen.\nAgent: Where's the ice man?!\nDr. Mephesto: He has to be around here somewhere.\nScene Description: Larry comes up behind the pilot and takes off in the helicopter.\nKyle: I can't believe he's gone.\nStan: [turns around] Wait, look! The helicopter!\nScene Description: They reach Mephesto and company.\nKyle: Hey!\nStan: He's alive!\nLarry: [on the bullhorn] Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!\nDr. Mephesto: No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live!\nLarry: I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya!\nScene Description: He flies off towards the mountains.\nAgent: [leaving with his colleagues] Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden.\nDr. Mephesto: [following] What?!\nAgent: What? Nothing!\nStan: Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy.\nKyle: No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him.\nCartman: [still hunting] Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha.\nStan: [walks off with Kyle] Could we be best friends again? [Cartman stops] I hate having Cartman as a best friend.\nKyle: Me too. He sucks.\nCartman: Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my- [turns left and goes Aussie] Aha! There's a king croc right there! [a cow grazing on a tiny patch of grass. Cartman sneaks up] And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its-\nCow: Moo!\nScene Description: The cow sits on Cartman, forcing his gun to the ground, then stands up with Cartman stuck up its ass.\nCartman: Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here.\nScene Description: [End of Prehistoric Ice Man. \"Stinky Britches\" once again: Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches You've got stinky britches]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, we have a special guest today, a woman recruiting young people [she walks to the group and smiles] for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame [she frowns], but please, give her your full attention. [to her] Go ahead.\nMs. Stevens: Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [cheerfully] How are we all doing today?! [the kids' eyes wander] I can't hear you! I said, How are we all doing?! [Cartman farts]\nMr. Garrison: [angrily] Eric Cartman, you say ''excuse me\"!\nCartman: Okay.\nMr. Garrison: [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.\nMs. Stevens: Children, we are a national choir called, \"Getting Gay With Kids!\" We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and you can be a part of it!\nKenny: (That sounds fucking screwed.) [the others laugh]\nMr. Garrison: Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to!! [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.\nMs. Stevens: You see, we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir [Pip yawns and Bill notices. Clyde nods off] where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.\nChoir boy: [steps forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?\nChoir girl: [steps forward] That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen [Kenny sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the rainforest. [smiles back at him. Kenny's in love - ahem, distracted. The camera stays on him]\nMs. Stevens: So, who wants to join the fun??\nCartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?\nMs. Stevens: Excuse me?\nCartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.\nKyle: Shut up, fatass!\nStan: Choirs suck.\nMr. Garrison: Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! [sighs deeply and tells the choir teacher] Go ahead.\nMs. Stevens: Well, uh, that's all, really. [the girl picks her nose, smiling at Kenny] So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.\nCartman: Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [the other kids laugh]\nMr. Garrison: All right, that does it!!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Craig isn't sitting on the bench outside, as he usually is.\nMr Mackey: [behind the door] I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! [The camera is now inside] You get sent here every day, Craig!\nCraig Tucker: I know.\nMr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?\nCraig: ...I don't know.\nMr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself?! [nothing] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh- [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?\nCraig: No.\nMr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight, uh- [Craig flips Mr. Mackey off again] There! You just flipped me off again!\nCraig: No I didn't.\nMr. Mackey: Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay?! Next! [Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter.] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. [Craig exits]\nKyle: Hey, Craig.\nCartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!\nMr. Mackey: Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation-\nStan: It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, young man, \"Getting Gay With Kids\" is not dumb, m'kay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors.\nKyle: Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even really sing. They use pre-recorded tapes.\nMr. Mackey: Well, guess what, boys? I think that \"Getting Gay With Kids\" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all four of you.\nStan: What?!\nKyle: You can't do that! [Cartman's jaw drops]\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [the boys look at him] (I mean, 'Oh...') [looks down]\nMr. Mackey: I think this will be very good for you [writes their names down]\nStan: But we don't even care about the rainforest.\nMr. Mackey: And that's exactly why you need to go!\nCartman: [drops down and pleads] Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, some days later. The Get Gay With Kids bus pulls up to Kyle's house to pick up Kyle, Cartman, and Stan.\nSheila: Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back from the rainforest.\nMs. Stevens: Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints.\nSheila: Oh, I didn't realize.\nChoir boy: Did you know that right now, bulldozers are tearing down thousands of acres of rainforest every day?\nCartman: [as he enters the bus] Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey balls.\nStan: [As Sharon drags him to the bus] Please don't make me go on a choir tour, Mom, please!\nSharon: Stan, you should be excited. I would love to see the rainforest. Besides, your dad and I need some time alone. [tosses him into the bus]\nStan: Nooo-ho! [The door closes and the bus pulls away. Stan and Kyle look out the back window in dismay]\nMs. Stevens: Okay, children, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest.\nCartman: Whoopee.\nMs. Stevens: And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.\nCartman: Yeah, pretty much.\nMs. Stevens: Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.\nChoir girl: [Kenny sits next to her] My name's Kelly.\nKenny: (My name's Kenny.)\nKelly: Lenny?\nKenny: (No, Kenny.)\nKelly: Johnny?\nKenny: (KENNY!)\nKelly: Oh. [looks away and picks her nose.]\nChoir girl: Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography.\nCartman: [hushed] The nightmare begins.\nScene Description: The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It crosses the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San José.\nMs. Stevens: Oh, look, children! I think we're entering San José, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [the kids move to their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!\nCartman: Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and crappy everything is!\nMs. Stevens: Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S.\nCartman: Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off, and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!\nMs. Stevens: Eric, sit down!\nCartman: [sits] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever. Right, Kenny? [Kenny looks at him angrily] Hey, maybe that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa Rican; that's why your family's so poor.\nKenny: [to Kelly] (Argh! That's not true.)\nKelly: [picks her nose] Your family isn't poor? [picks her nose]\nCartman: Whoa, dude, look over there! [The bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him.] Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!\nRedheaded prostitute: [with heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?\nMiddle prostitute: Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?\nCartman: Okay. [pretends] Cleek! [grins]\nMs. Stevens: Eric, SIT DOWN!\nScene Description: The bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit.\nMs. Stevens: Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-\nCartman: [rushing out] Oh my God, [covers his nose] it smells like ass out here.\nMs. Stevens: Alll right, that does it! [turns Cartman around] Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!\nCartman: [covers his nose again] I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.\nKelly: Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?\nKenny: [in bliss] (Uh-huh.) [Kelly picks her nose again]\nMs. Stevens: You may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-\nCartman: I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!\nMs. Stevens: Eric, will you please, please, just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?\nCartman: Why?\nMs. Stevens: Because I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards if you do.\nCartman: Eh-heheh!\nScene Description: Inside the Capitol. All seem to be facing the President.\nMs. Stevens: Well, it was a long trip, but the children are very excited to sing tomorrow.\nEl Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?\nMs. Stevens: Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from... the United States?\nEl Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?\nMs. Stevens: We're the group singing for the \"Save The Rainforest\" summit tomorrow? [her head is cocked way to the left by now. El Presidente has no clue. Now the teacher is worried] Oh dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He should have been here by now. [faces the kids] Children, do any of you speak Spanish? [Cartman waves his left arm] Don't you dare! [the main door opens]\nMr. Mackey: [rushing in] Sorry I'm late.\nMs. Stevens: Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't speak any Spanish.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, no problem. [to El Presidente and his men] Usted es choir de Estados Unidos, mbien?\nEl Presidente: ¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.\nMs. Stevens: Yeess!\nEl Presidente: Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla. [Pablo appears]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, he says Pablo here will take you on a rainforest tour.\nMs. Stevens: Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your subjects outside. We have a special gift for you. The gift... uh-of song. [moves aside]\nEl Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?\nScene Description: On the Capitol steps.\nMs. Stevens: All right, children, Let's get in our rows quickly, so we can begin.\nKelly: [walks over to Kenny, her partner] Did you remember all the choreography, Lenny?\nKenny: (Yeah, I think so.)\nMs. Stevens: Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [chuckles and shrugs. The people just look. She presses the play button. The kids begin to dance to the music]\nThe Tape: [Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow! [Men sing]There's a place that is magical, and full of rain. [Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain. [Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore [All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before! [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of step now] To spread the word and bring you cheer Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?! Being an activist is totally gay! [Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls, [Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world! [Man joins her] World! [Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some members back as new partners] Getting Gay With Kids is here! To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah! Getting Gay With Kids is here! Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay! It's totally gay! [The kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and the subjects just walk away]\nMs. Stevens: Great job, gang! You were really all over the place, Kyle.\nKyle: Thanks!\nCartman: I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm!\nKyle: Fuck off, Cartman!\nStan: No, dude! I think Cartman might actually be right.\nKyle: [alarmed] No! That's a stereotype.\nStan: Dude! Maybe you really don't have any rhythm. [Camera closes in on a stunned Kyle]\nScene Description: Next day, the sun rises over a sea of green, the canopy of the rainforest. The choir teacher and her group are touring with Pablo.\nPablo: This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.\nMs. Stevens: Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!\nKyle: God-damn, it's hot out here!\nStan: [sees a branch] Aaah! Snake!\nKyle: No, dude. That's a branch.\nStan: Oh. [sees it again] Aaah! Snake!\nKyle: No. That's the same branch again.\nStan: Oh.\nPablo: [turns and stops the group] The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.\nCartman: [impatient] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We hear this a million times back up in the States.\nPablo: Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [one sits in a tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.\nKelly: Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny? [takes a picture]\nCartman: [takes a branch and starts beating the monkey] Bad! Bad monkey! [it screams in pain]\nMs. Stevens: Eric, what the heck are you doing?? [the monkey flees]\nCartman: [stops] I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say, \"Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!\" and I smack him on the head!\nPablo: And here is a three-toed sloth. [hangs from a branch with all four legs]\nCartman: [takes the branch and starts beating the sloth] It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!\nMs. Stevens: [pulls him away] Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!\nCartman: [throws the branch at the sloth] Re'spect my authoritah!\nMs. Stevens: Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't we, kids?!\nKids: YEAH!\nChoir boy: I wish we could have seen the Yanagopa.\nKyle: What's the Yanagopa?\nMs. Stevens: The Yanagopa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!\nCartman: [fed up, buries his face in his mitts] Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!\nStan: AAAAAAA! [hides behind a girl]\nMs. Stevens: Stanley, what is it?\nStan: SNAAAKE! [all see and gasp]\nPablo: [standing next to the snake wrapped around a tree trunk] Oh, yes. Uh this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.\nStan: AAAAAAA! [runs farther back]\nPablo: What's the matter, little boy?\nCartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like? [Stan is hiding behind some foliage]\nStan: [lifts some away] I'm just a-scared of snakes.\nPablo: Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [the snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him] Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls] Agh.\nMs. Stevens: [in horror] Oh my God!! [the snake starts swallowing Pablo]\nCartman: Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right!\nMs. Stevens: [petrified] Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones come out of the snake's anus]\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: My guess would be yes.\nMs. Stevens: Oh, no! God, no, no! [spins around] Don't panic, children.\nCartman: [beats the snake, which turns and comes at him] Bad! That's a bad snay-ah! [hurries away, and the snake gives chase]\nScene Description: The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir teacher now guides the group...\nMs. Stevens: Maybe we came from that way. [points to her left] No, nno. Let's try this way. [points to her right and moves that way]\nKelly: [walking behind Kenny] Benny? Do you think we're gonna be okay?\nKenny: [stops] (Yeah. Everything is fine.)\nKelly: That's good. Can I tell you something?\nKenny: (Okay.)\nKelly: I think I like you. [holds his shoulder]\nKenny: (Really?!)\nKelly: [releases] Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well.\nKenny: (Oh, that's great!)\nKelly: [looks away] No, that's not good.\nKenny: (That's not good?)\nKelly: No. See, if I start to like you too much, [looks away] I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends of the country. [looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again. [grabs him and gets emotional] And that would devastate me. [lets go] So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't, Lenny! [walks away]\nKenny: [pissed] (Aaaargh!)\nMs. Stevens: Oh, children, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!\nScene Description: The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover.\nMs. Stevens: Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, kids. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?\nA Boy: I'm not.\nMs. Stevens: Who's not?!\nA Boy: Me.\nKelly: Benny, will you hold my hand? [picks her nose. When she lowers her hand, Kenny grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to get emotionally attached, though.\nStan: Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!\nScene Description: Lightning flashes and the group is seen sitting in a row on the ground with Tony Danza visible seated in the middle next to the choir teacher.\nMs. Stevens: No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley.\nScene Description: Next day. The sun rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A massive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an amphitheater, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold.\nEl Presidente: [on stage] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles.) [the worker moves along]\nMr. Mackey: [approaching] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien? (Hello, El Presidente)\nEl Presidente: ¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. Is everything going okay?)\nMr. Mackey: Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um... ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine... You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)\nEl Presidente: ¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)\nMr. Mackey: Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, hmbien. (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night...)\nEl Presidente: ¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderán este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! (You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no darling little kids to sing to them?!)\nMr. Mackey: Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llega- llegarán. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)\nScene Description: At the same time, in the rainforest, the group rises and marches on.\nKyle: Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna die out here!\nKelly: We are?\nMs. Stevens: Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us.\nKyle: Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your back.\nMs. Stevens: Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [shows her backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]\nKyle: Um, no.\nMs. Stevens: [panics] Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [the insect growls and falls silent. Miss Stevens returns] Oh-okay, children. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here. [sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [runs off]\nKyle: Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!\nKelly: Me, too! [the rest start to groan]\nMs. Stevens: Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-\nKyle: [Kyle runs into an adult] Aaaaa! There's a dude here! [a soldier holding a shotgun]\nMs. Stevens: Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. [giggles] Cah heh, can you help us?\nSolider: ¿Qué?\nCartman: [moves forward] Let me try, let me try. We are from America. A-me-ri-ca. [the soldier listens] We are lost and verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos. [rubs his belly]\nStan: I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. Supreme.\nCartman: Y taco.\nKyle: I want two tostadas and mild sauce.\nCartman: Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.\nMs. Stevens: Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype. [the soldier points a way out with his thumb] Children, he wants us to follow him! Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal is over! [they leave]\nScene Description: The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire bunker.\nStan: This doesn't look very safe.\nKyle: Yeah. I think we should get the hell out of here.\nMs. Stevens: Now kids, let's be a bit more open-minded. I read all about this in Newsweek; this is a people's army. They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government. [addresses them with a lilt] Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?\nPeople's Army Leader: [crisp] Who are you?!\nMs. Stevens: Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [the soldiers just stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José? [no response] Um... [thinks] Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift. Well, we have o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift... of song [she moves aside]\nKids: Honh. [she presses the play button, and the song plays. The kids begin to dance]\nMs. Stevens: [through clenched teeth] Kyle, for the love of God, do the right choreography. [as the chorus nears, Kyle is still doing the wrong moves] Oh, Kyle, please! [the kids dance through the first line of the chorus...]\nPeople's Army leader: Enough! [the music stops]\nMs. Stevens: Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts.\nPeople's Army leader: We're not getting gay with any kids, okay?\nMs. Stevens: Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone we could use?\nPeople's Army leader: Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. [the other men begin to laugh] Now, get out of here before we kill you!\nMs. Stevens: [sullen] Is it because of the little Jewish boy's choreography?\nKyle: Hey!\nPeople's Army leader: [the soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers.\nScene Description: Two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, and bullets fly everywhere. The kids scream.\nPeople's Army leader: [waving the choir away] ¡Rápido, rápido! [Kenny steps in front of Kelly to shield her from any shots coming their way]\nMs. Stevens: Run, children, run! [the choir moves out]\nScene Description: Back in San José.\nEl Presidente: ¡¿Dónde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)\nMr. Mackey: No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente, estarán aquí. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)\nScene Description: Back in the rainforest. The choir now walks along a riverbank.\nMs. Stevens: Hello?? Anybody?? Help??\nChoir boy: Wow, look at the pretty flower. [stops by to touch a huge yellow flower with blue support on a large green stalk]\nMs. Stevens: Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay? [before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor.]\nJake: Aaaah. Ugh, help!\nMs. Stevens: [quakes] Ga-ow! [quickly grabs Jake's feet and pulls. The choir walks on]\nKelly: [crying and pouting] I wanna go home! [Kenny stops and turns] I hate the rainforest!\nKenny: [walks up and puts his arm around her] (Oh, there, there now. There's nothing to be afraid of, dear.) [comforted, she smiles]\nKelly: [gushing] Oh Lenny, hold me. [moves away] No, I can't get attached. [pause, then moves closer] Oh, but I do like you.\nKenny: (Well, I like you-)\nKelly: [moves away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me.\nKenny: [pissed] (Oh, God damn it!)\nScene Description: San José. The reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position.\nShort Reporter: We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril.\nSlim Reporter: That's right, Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the darling kids' choir, \"Getting Gay With Kids,\" all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment.\nScene Description: The rainforest. The terrain looks familiar...\nMs. Stevens: [the problems mount] Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [another large insect roars behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!\nCartman: [turns and walks back the way they came] This is bullcrap! I am not following this stupid hippie around anymore.\nMs. Stevens: Eric, where are you going?\nCartman: I'm going this way!\nMs. Stevens: Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this way!\nCartman: [stops] Look: you can stay over nyah [gestures towards her], but I'm going over nyah. [Gestures away from her]\nMs. Stevens: Young man, I have had it!!\nCartman: Nononono! You nyah, me nyah! [gestures forward and backward] Screw you guys, I'ma going home. [walks away]\nMs. Stevens: Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard! [the others watch him leave] Eric, we have to stay together!\nScene Description: Eric moves through the rainforest.\nCartman: God-damned stupid hippie activist! I should be home nestled in the couch with my Mr. Kitty right now watching Fat Abbot cartoons and eat- [finds himself at a clearing full of bulldozers moving wood around] Yes! I knew it! I'm saved! [rushes in]\nScene Description: Back by the river.\nStan: Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.\nKyle: Yeah. It happened once before.\nMs. Stevens: No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.\nScene Description: At the clearing.\nCartman: [reaches the foreman] Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving to death!\nForeman: What are you doing here, little boy?\nCartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest, and I need some food. I'm fading fast!\nForeman: Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! Where are all the others?\nCartman: Food! I have to have food! [falls on his face]\nFireman: Oh my God! Get this child some food, quick!\nCartman: [lifts his head] Chicken wings. [drops it]\nForeman: Chicken wings!\nCartman: [lifts his head] Medium spicy. [drops it]\nScene Description: San José\nCrowd: Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!\nEl Presidente: La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)\nMr. Mackey: Estoy seguro que llegarán. Eh-sólo poquito más de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)\nEl Presidente: Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos. [heads for center stage] (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Polish Jokes.)\nMr. Mackey: Mbien.\nEl Presidente: [on the mike] ¿A cuántos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito? [the crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos. [seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again] ¿A cuántos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito? Two. How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)\nScene Description: In the rainforest, the choir keeps walking.\nMs. Stevens: Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!\nStan: Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of smoke is seen floating above the canopy]\nMs. Stevens: Let's go, quickly! [they rush towards the column and find a small campfire]\nKyle: Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [the shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped dwarves surround them.]\nMs. Stevens: Children, it's the Yanagopa. [to the dwarves] Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [the group is surrounded by spear-bearing Yanagopa men.]\nYanagopa 1: Damtilié?\nYanagopa 2: Damtilié?\nMs. Stevens: [marveling] Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble... [the Yanagopa raise their spears high] Run for your lives, children!\nStan: Holy crap! [all run]\nYanagopa: [giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!\nStan: Jesus Christ!\nMs. Stevens: Run run ruuun! [A huge insect lands on her backpack and roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!\nKelly: [trips and falls down] Aaaaa! Lenny! [Kenny goes back, helps her up, and they keep running. The choir runs across a puddle of quicksand and begin to sink]\nKyle: What the hell?\nStan: We're sinking.\nMs. Stevens: It's quicksand, people! [the Yanagopa warriors surround them and leap with excitement, still screaming \"Damtilié!\"]\nScene Description: The Yanagopa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually.\nStan: All we ever heard growing up was, \"Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile\"!\nKyle: Yeah! Fragile my ass!\nKelly: Larry, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care! [snuggles up to him]\nKenny: (Kelly, you said it!) [she tries to pick her nose, but the ropes won't let her]\nScene Description: The Yanagopa men are apparently no different than other men. They have dressed Miss Stevens in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting \"Damtilié\"\nMs. Stevens: [put off] Okay. Just what the heck is going on here, people? [a giant Yanagopa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!\nKelly: Oh no, that big thing is going to make love to Miss Stevens!\nMs. Stevens: All right, that does it!! [the men stop dancing] Goddamn stupid-ass rainforest!! This place fucking sucks!! [the giant Yanagopa is shocked] I was wrong!! Fuck the rainforest!! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!!\nStan: Oh, now she figures it out.\nScene Description: A bulldozer appears, driven by the foreman.\nForeman: Quick! Everybody help the children!\nScene Description: More bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the Yanagopa and chase them away. The children brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanagopa and crushes them against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, crushing it.\nStan: Wow!\nKyle: Dude! Bulldozers rule!\nForeman: [cutting the ropes off the kids] Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!\nKids: HOORAY!!\nMs. Stevens: [being cut down by a worker] Hooray, children!\nScene Description: Later, Miss Stevens is back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on another one, and the rest of the kids take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade.\nMs. Stevens: How did you know where we were?\nForeman: Your little friend helped me out.\nMs. Stevens: Eric?\nCartman: [arriving] Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?\nMs. Stevens: What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this ...construction equipment?\nForeman: We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.\nMs. Stevens: Really? [excited] That's great!!\nForeman: You mean, you don't mind?\nMs. Stevens: Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole fucking thing!\nForeman: That's swell!\nKelly: Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance relationship to work, we'll have to call each other every other day.\nKenny: (Okay. I can do that.) [lightning strikes him, knocking her away] (Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]\nKelly: Aaaah! Lenny! No! [Stan and Kyle rush in]\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.\nKyle: You bastards!\nKelly: [turns to face them] Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!\nStan: They did.\nKelly: Who's \"they\"?!\nStan: [pause] You know, \"they.\"\nKyle: They're... they're bastards.\nKelly: Well don't just stand there, help him!!\nKyle: What?\nStan: Help ...him?\nKelly: Aaagh! [turns around and pounds on Kenny's chest] Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [she picks her nose, then pounds some more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]\nKyle: Whoa, dude!\nScene Description: San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage.\nSummit host: And now, here to teach us about the rainforest is Getting Gay With Kids. [the crowd applauds]\nMs. Stevens: Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [the kids nod yes] And...\nThe new lyrics: [Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow! [Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass. [Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast. [Men sing] You say, \"Save the rainforest,\" but what do you know? [All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before. [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle still can't dance] To tell you things you might not like to hear. [Kenny and Kelly exchange glances] You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells. All you activists can go fuck yourselves!\nMale activist: That was so inspiring.\nFemale activist: What a wonderful message.\nThe new lyrics, part II: [Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls, Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses. [Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world! There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer. [Man joins her] World! Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late. [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah! Getting Gay With Kids is here! Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?! It's totally gay! It's totally gay!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: General Store. The boys are shopping...\nStan: [with an air pump] Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?\nKyle: No, I don't think so.\nKenny: [bringing a hair dryer] (How about this?)\nKyle: No, that's a hair dryer!\nManager: May I help you find something?\nKyle: Yeah. Do you have any \"nurections\"?\nManager: Any what?\nKyle: I need to get a nurection for my dad.\nManager: Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it. [gestures to the exit with his thumb]\nStan: Why is that funny?\nKyle: Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And both of them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nurection. So I want to get him one. [the boys are suddenly outside, with the door slamming shut behind them] Damn it! What the hell is wrong with everybody? [the boys walk away]\nStan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?\nKenny: (I know, fucking seriously!)\nKyle: I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.\nMan: [walks by with his lady] What?\nKenny: (Well, see you guys. I gotta go take the bus out of town.)\nCartman: Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You gonna see your little girlfriend again?\nKenny: (Yeah, dude. She saved me.)\nCartman: Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl. If you don't-\nKenny: (Ach.) [Poof. Stan and Kyle turn. All three are left looking at a charred body]\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nCartman: What the hell happened to him?\nStan: He just... ignited.\nMan: [rushing up] What happened?\nWoman: [rushing up] I saw it from across the street. He just caught on fire. [Barbrady drives up and screeches to a halt]\nOfficer Barbrady: [rushes up to the boys] Okay people, stand back. Give the little burnt boy some breathing room.\nBlond Man: I've heard about this. This is... spontaneous combustion. But it usually only happens to fat people near open flames.\nMan 2: Is it contagious?\nWoman: Am I going to spontaneously combust?\nMan 3: I hope it doesn't happen to me.\nWoman: This is very scary.\nScene Description: City Hall,the Mayor's office. The Mayor is talking with someone.\nMayor McDaniels: The people are panicking about spontaneous combustion. That's why I've assembled this crack team of scientists to find out the cause of the phenomenon. You are the best scientific mind South Park has to offer.\nRandy: ...Uuuh. Mayor, I'm a geologist.\nMayor McDaniels: Right.\nRandy: Well, uh I don't study human biology, I study the earth.\nMayor McDaniels: Look, you're the only scientist that lives in this town. You have to find an answer before more people combust. You do that, and you'll be the most beloved man in South Park. [Randy begins to daydream]\nScene Description: The Most Beloved Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd.\nCrowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!\nMan: We love you, Randy.\nWoman: [rushing up] Make love to me, Randy. Please!\nScene Description: Returns.\nRandy: Wow.\nMayor McDaniels: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion, or else!\nRandy: Or else what?\nMayor McDaniels: [pounds on her desk] Exactly!\nScene Description: First Church of South Park. The organ is heard as people gather for Kenny's funeral. Inside, Stan and Kyle hop up to the bier the coffin is on. Cartman tries a couple of times and finally makes it.\nStan: Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on.\nKyle: Yeah. [The boys hop off the bier and move to the front row for the service as Priest Maxi approaches the coffin. He opens the Bible and reads]\nPriest Maxi: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Sometimes the giveth seems a little disproportionate to the taketh. There seems to be a lot more takething going on, but there it is. Perhaps if more of you attended church on Sundays [Kevin falls asleep, Stuart reads Gazongas magazine and checks out its centerfold while his wife sniffs], the Lord would not have felt it necessary to punish us by takething this little boy...\nMr. Garrison: [to man to his left] Oh, here comes the guilt trip again.\nPriest Maxi: Now, let us pray. [all close their eyes and bow their heads] Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.\nAll: Amen.\nPriest Maxi: [raises left arm and fist] Let's go-\nAll: Let's go\nPriest Maxi: Broncos\nAll: Broncos\nPriest Maxi: Let's go Broncos\nAll: Broncos, let's go! [The priest extends the fist and all rise and exit. Three men carry the coffin out]\nStan: Wow, that was short. [Priest Maxi stops them as they leave the pew]\nPriest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.\nKyle: Well, I'm Jewish.\nPriest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?\nKyle: I guess not.\nPriest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?\nStan: The what?\nPriest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you reenact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.\nKyle: Hey, resurrection! That's what my dad needs!\nPriest Maxi: Huh?\nKyle: We'll do it! We'll do it!\nPriest Maxi: Wonderful. Here's a book on how to perform it. Don't let me down, boys. [hands it to Kyle and walks away. The cover shows two excited kids under a radiant cross]\nKyle: Dude, this is great! You know all the Stations of the Cross, right, Stan?\nStan: I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to go look in the Bible.\nScene Description: Outside, some of the churchgoers are still around.\nTom: Good night, Jerry.\nJerry: See ya, Tom. Bye, Helen.\nHelen: Bye, Jer- aaa! [poof. Now she combusted]\nJerry: Oh my God, another one.\nTom: Helen, no!\nJerry: What happened?\nMan 5: [consoling Tom] God must be very angry with us. But why? [looks to the heavens] How have we angered you, Lord?\nScene Description: Stan's house. Randy's in the basement doing preliminary work. He's working on some chemical reactions when the boys come down.\nRandy: [to himself] Well, let's see. If they combust... no. Could be from the... no.\nStan: Dad, where's our Bible?\nRandy: Not now, Stan. I have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion. Or else.\nStan: Or else what?\nRandy: Exactly.\nStan: ...What?\nRandy: Right.\nStan: [after a long pause] Where's our Bible?\nRandy: It's in the attic with the old LP's. [the boys start up the stairs...] Boys, did you notice anything uuuh strange about Kenny in the weeks leading up to his combustion? Ooh, what did he spend his time doing?\nKyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.\nRandy: New girlfriend?\nStan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent a lot of time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?\nRandy: Maybe nothing... [close up] maybe everything.\nStan: ...Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nurection. [the boys go up the stairs and exit]\nRandy: [resumes the reactions] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?!\nScene Description: Stan's room. Stan reads from the Stations of the Cross booklet while Kyle reads from the Bible.\nStan: Let's see: Jesus got crucified, then he died, then three days later he had his urection. Let's see, there's fourteen Stations of the Cross. Now, it says we can makes costumes out of sheets.\nKyle: This is gonna be fun.\nCartman: I'm gonna be Jesus!\nKyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!\nCartman: Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!\nKyle: Stan should be Jesus.\nCartman: Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you guys, I'm going home! [gestures his intent.]\nKyle: You're such a fat baby!\nCartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves. [gestures again, and again]\nKyle: All right, all right, you could be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!\nCartman: [retorts] Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.\nScene Description: Back in the basement...\nRandy: All right, all right, let's try it again. Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle and Cartman were walking around him. [four men dressed as the boys stand before him] Now, walk. [the men move around] Do you feel hot?\nKenny: Uh, no.\nRandy: Damn it! How come you're not combusting? [throws down his clipboard]\nStan: Come on, Randy. You said we were gonna drink beer and watch the fight.\nTownsman: [rushing in with several other people] Another one! Another one combusted! [pours out the ashes for Randy to see]\nRandy: No! Has she been doing anything odd?\nTownsman: No, she was just on her way to her new boyfriend's house.\nRandy: Boyfriend. And they said Kenny had a new girlfriend.\nCartman: This is stupid. Screw you guys, I'm going home. [walks off]\nRandy: No! I think I might have it.\nScene Description: The First Church of South Park, night of Good Friday.\nPriest Maxi: Well, well, well. A lot of you came to church. Looks like we're a little \"nervous\" about this spontaneous combustion thing, huh?\nA few people: Yeah.\nPriest Maxi: Well, on this blessed Friday let us give thanks for stuff, and things. [all bow their heads] Lord, is it so much to ask that you not let us suddenly burst into flame for no apparent reason? I mean, come on! Amen. [Stan and Kyle approach the pulpit, followed by Cartman] And now, some of our darling local children are going to perform the Stations of the Cross. [leaves, and Stan takes over]\nCrowd: Awww.\nStan: Station One: Jesus is condemned to death by Pilate.\nKyle: Die! [hits Cartman, dressed as Jesus, with a stick]\nCartman: Ow! You can do what you will, but I am the Lamb of God.\nCrowd: Awww.\nSomeone: Phew.\nStan: Station Two: Jesus takes his cross.\nCartman: [now carrying the cross] This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man, this is totally weak.\nStan: And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies he knows him. [this is not part of the Stations]\nCartman: Peter!\nKyle: I don't know you, dude.\nCartman: Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame. But I'm Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.\nScene Description: Night, the Mayor's office. She's wearing a mud mask in bed and reading Gazongas. The phone rings.\nMayor McDaniels: Mayor.\nRandy: [calling from his lab] Mayor, I have it. I found out why people spontaneously combust.\nMayor McDaniels: Why?\nRandy: Uh, it's too complicated to explain over the phone. [his clipboard indicates]. Girlfriend -> DEAD Boyfriend -> DEAD Call a town meeting tomorrow\nMayor McDaniels: Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh, you're going to be the most popular man in South Park.\nScene Description: The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd.\nCrowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!\nMan: We love you, Randy.\nWoman: [rushing up] Make love to me, Randy. Please!\nScene Description: Returns.\nRandy: Wow. [hangs up the phone]\nMayor McDaniels: [hangs up the phone] Shmuck!\nScene Description: At the church, Stan continues the Stations. Cartman is stripped to his underwear.\nStan: Station Eleven: Jesus is nailed to the cross. [Kyle has tied Cartman to it]\nCartman: Oh! This has gone from weak to superweak! Things cannot get any more weak for me.\nStan: [produces a crown of thorns] Then a crown of thorns was placed on Jesus's head, and Jesus was all like, \"Thanks.\"\nCartman: Well, this sucks that I have to die, but if I die, everyone's sins will be forgiven. [Stan replaces Cartman's cap with the crown] So I guess it's cool. [Stan returns to the pulpit]\nStan: And then Jesus was lead away [Kyle leads Cartman out] to Mount Sinai, where he dies, and has a resurrection three days later.\nCartman: [on his way out the door] Hi, mom. [Stan leaves the pulpit and the priest returns]\nPriest Maxi: Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name of Jesus!\nCrowd: It's a great name, isn't it? [Stan exits]\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle now carry Cartman on the cross and are headed towards a hill. Kyle has the heavier end.\nKyle: Hey, that went really well. They really liked it.\nCartman: Yeah. I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys.\nKyle: Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't weigh 400 pounds!\nCartman: Up your ass with broken glass!\nStan: This spot looks good. [they drop the foot of the cross into the spot and lift the rest of the cross upright, then leave]\nKyle: Yeah. That looks pretty good.\nStan: Okay, cool. See you, Cartman.\nCartman: Hey, wait! Where the hell are you going?! [they stop and turn]\nStan: Huh I don't know. I'm going home, I guess.\nKyle: Yeah, me too.\nCartman: Well, get me down from here!\nKyle: Cartman, how stupid are you?! Didn't you read the Bible? We have to leave you up there until you die, and then you come back to life in three days.\nCartman: What?!\nStan: Yeah, dummy, you have to get a nurection.\nKyle: Then I can give it to my dad. [both turn and leave]\nCartman: Hey, uh I don't wanna be Jesus anymore! Don't leave me here, you guys! ...All right, that does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home! [looks around] Okay, I'm getting pissed now! [struggles to get loose, but doesn't get anywhere] God!\nScene Description: City Hall, the next day. Stan and Kyle are present for the Mayor's announcement, along with much of the town.\nMayor McDaniels: All right, people. Scientist Marsh and I have been working very hard on the problem of spontaneous combustion, and we have finally come up with a solution. Mr. Marsh?\nRandy: [approaches with a large book] The little boy combusted because he had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the girl that caused him to combust, it was the fact that Kenny did not want to pass gas in front of her. [displays a diagram of the digestive system] You see, as food is digested the natural processes give off a byproduct known as methane gas. [the next page is a diagram of the stomach, showing how food produces methane]\nRandy: The methane gathers here in the bowel area [shows the intestines, or the bowels], where it causes pressure. Normally a person would expel this byproduct in the form of a pleasant fart. [shows the colon, where the gas collects and moves out] Should the gas not be expelled, [shows the gas trapped in the bowels] the methane can build up and then ignite, [shows the bowels exploding] leading to... disaster. [shows picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein, then closes the book] Kenny combusted because he held his farts in for too long.\nTownsman: You mean, all we have to do is fart and we won't explode?\nRandy: Exactly. [after a while, a fart is heard, then more farts follow as the townsfolk release their gases]\nMayor McDaniels: So, from this day forward, everyone in South Park will be required to fart on a regular basis to insure that nobody else spontaneously explodes.\nCrowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! [Randy waves back gratefully]\nMan: We love you, Randy.\nOld Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!\nStan: Whoa, dude, my dad's famous.\nKyle: Come on. Let's go see how Cartman is doing with his uh, urection.\nScene Description: The boys go to the hill on which they left Cartman on the cross.\nStan: Wow, he died.\nKyle: Now we just gotta wait for his urection, and I can give it to my dad.\nCartman: [wakes up] Hey, there you guys are!\nStan: Cartman??\nCartman: You guys are in big trouble! Now get me down from here!\nKyle: How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!\nCartman: You guys, I mean, seriously! Get me down!\nStan: Look, fatass: after you die and get resurrurected, you'll have all kinds of superpowers, just like Jesus.\nCartman: ...Really?\nKyle: Yeah. So hurry up and die, you piece of crap! [he and Stan leave]\nCartman: [watches them leave] ...When I get all my superpowers, I'm gonna use them to smote you two assholes right off the planet! [to himself] Dude, superpowers are sweet.\nScene Description: The boys are back in town, and they run across Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Hi, boys.\nStan, Kyle: [imitating him] Hi, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Have you guys been sure to pass gas regularly so you don't spontaneously combust?\nKyle: We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!\nMr. Mackey: Well, let me show you, just to be sure, m'kay? [moves his bowels as he hums,] Hmm, come on. Be good, now. [slaps his butt and lets loose]\nKyle: Jesus Christ! [the boys cover their noses with their jackets]\nStan: Sick, dude!\nMr. Mackey: I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night. [laughs]\nKyle: Dude, I think you pooed a lot.\nMr. Mackey: So, you boys understand you have to do that regularly, oh-mkay? [laughs]\nStan: Okay, okay, just go away! [Mr. Mackey leaves laughing, and the boys walk on]\nKyle: God, that was not cool at all, dude!\nLiane: Oh, hello boys. Have you seen Eric around anywhere?\nStan: Uh. We've been taking care of him.\nKyle: Yeah. We're having him resurrurected.\nLiane: Oh, all right. I was just at the store buying some apples.\nStan: Apples?\nLiane: Yes. Apples. [farts] Ahapples, get it? [the boys cover their noses again]\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: Sick!\nLiane: Stinky apples. See you, boys. [leaves]\nStan: I don't think I like this new law.\nLiane: [returns] Squeaker! [farts, then leaves]\nScene Description: The boys return to City Hall to see the rest of the ceremony. The people in the crowd all have their noses covered. A covered statue stands next to Randy.\nMayor McDaniels: And so I declare today Randy Marsh Day, where we shall remember forever how he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous combustion. Gentlemen? [her aides unveil a nicely muscled concrete statue of Randy]\nBearded Man: You're the best, Randy!\nRandy: I am? I am, huh? I never knew the depth of my scientific genius until now.\nKyle: It's too bad Cartman can't be here to enjoy this.\nStan: Yeah.\nScene Description: Back on the cross...\nCartman: [vultures hover above him] You guys, seriously! somebody get me down from here!\nOfficer Barbrady: [strolling] Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur-\nCartman: Officer Barbrady! [Barbrady looks up to see Cartman on the cross and says nothing for a while]\nOfficer Barbrady: [taps his chin] T. T is for turtle. [turns and walks away] Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur...\nCartman: Ey! Help me, you son of a bitch! [to himself] Huh, I'm gonna die up here.\nScene Description: The Nobel Prize Awards. Looks like the Oscars...\nAnnouncer: We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel Prize Awards. Here again your host, Whoopi Goldberg. [the audience applauds]\nWhoopi: [In elaborate dress and geisha hairdo] Republicans are so stupid. [the crowd laughs] I hate Republicans. [the audience laughs] Republicans are so stupid. [the audience laughs] And now, here to present the Nobel Prize for Science is Nick Nolte [fanfare. The audience applauds and Nick steps up]\nNick Nolte: Science is good. Science is very important. This year's nominees are: [the candidates are shown as their names are mentioned] Herald R. Pinkerton, for his further development of the grand unified theory of physics. Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous combustion. And Alphonse Mephesto for his seven-assed Galapagos turtle. And the Nobel Prize goes to: [opens the envelope] Randy Marsh, for the theory of spontaneous fart things. [the audience applauds wildly]\nMephesto: [in the audience] No! No, this can't be!\nRandy: [at the podium, very excited] Whoa hoho, whoa! [grabs his head] Oh wow, oh, ah, I'm the best! Yeah! Yeah! Ah, it's just so amazing to be told that you're the best. I, I thought I was just a normal person like all of you, but... Yeah! Well, thank you for showing me otherwise! Yeah! I kick ass, yeah!\nMephesto: Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be my award, Kevin. I'll get him for this. Mark my words.\nScene Description: Back in South Park, Stan and Kyle are on Kyle's couch watching the show.\nStan: Wow, my dad's the best! All other dads suck compared to my dad!\nKyle: Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too.\nScene Description: In the master bedroom Gerald and Sheila look at Gerald's penis, to see if it'll rise.\nGerald: I'm sorry, honey.\nSheila: It's okay, [picks up the phone] I'll just call some 20-year old and have him come over.\nGerald: What?!\nSheila: [hands up] I'm just kidding.\nGerald: Kidding? Well, that's not funny! That hurt my feelings!\nSheila: Why?\nGerald: Why?! [the door opens]\nSheila: Kyle. [Gerald see him, too]\nKyle: Don't worry, guys. I'm getting a nurection as we speak.\nGerald: Huh?\nKyle: Well, actually, Cartman's getting a nurection. But then, we're gonna give it you. Sooo, buck up! [his parents just look at him. He grins and walks away]\nSheila: We have a very strange little boy, Gerald.\nScene Description: Next day, Cartman on the cross. Stan and Kyle arrive to check up on Cartman.\nStan: Dude, he's still not dead.\nCartman: You guys, my mom is totally worried about me. You'd better let me down.\nKyle: She's not worried about you.\nCartman: Yes she is! I've been hearing her all day! Listen! Listen. [prepares for a bit of ventriloquism] Eric? Eric, where are you? I miss you very much.\nStan: That's not your mom calling!\nCartman: [still in falsetto] Yes it is, you guys. I'm serious now. This is Eric's mom and I want him home right now.\nKyle: How stupid do you think we are?! Now you die on that cross and get resurrurected before I kick your ass!\nCartman: You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't do this!\nStan: He is right. It has been getting really hot lately.\nKyle: Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get some ice-cold lemonade.\nStan: Hey, yeah! [they turn and walk away]\nCartman: Oh! God-damnit! Urh! You guys! You guys wanna hear my \"I hate Stan and Kyle\" song?! Ahem.\nCartman: I hate Stan and Kyle I seriously hate Stan and Kyle...\nScene Description: City Hall. The Mayor and her aides are in shorts and T's.\nMayor McDaniels: My God, it's burning up in here! Can't we crank the AC up some more?\nAide 2: It's already on full.\nRandy: [entering, wearing his Nobel medal] You wanted to see me, Mayor?\nMayor McDaniels: Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and I think only you can solve it.\nRandy: I suspect you're talking about the dramatic heat wave.\nMayor McDaniels: Yes. The temperature is steadily rising every day. I want you to find out why.\nRandy: Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified for this. My scientific mind is best used on global problems.\nMayor McDaniels: All right, all right. Name your price.\nRandy: Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.\nMayor McDaniels: Done. Just find out what's happening.\nRandy: Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause. Or else. Or else what? Exactly. [they just look at him]\nScene Description: Another night on the cross. The Last Temptation of Cartman.\nCartman: [whispering, hoping...] Hey you guys. Seriously. [Chef walks into view]\nChef: [startled] What the-? [sees Cartman on the cross with his head down] Oh, what now?!\nCartman: Chef! Chef!\nChef: [rushes up to him] Children, what the hell are you doin'?\nCartman: Just get me down from here! [Chef does] Oh, finally! My arms are killing me!\nChef: You children shouldn't be crucifying yourselves in this heat.\nScene Description: Chef drives him into town.\nCartman: Sweet. Now, I'm gonna go kill those guys!\nChef: Eric, I have to tell you something, and it's really gonna bum you out.\nCartman: What?\nChef: It's really gonna piss you off.\nCartman: What?!\nChef: This is just a dream. You're still up on that cross.\nCartman: [waking up] Oh, damnit!\nScene Description: Stan's house, basement. A Cheesy Poofs commercial ends as Stan comes down the steps.\nStan: Dad, where's the phone book?\nRandy: Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific genius, the town is doomed. [Stan goes back up the stairs and exits. Randy mumbles] Let's see now, when exactly did the temperature start to go up?\nScene Description: Jesus and Pals comes on.\nJesus: Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures in South Park. Let's go to the phones. [beep] Caller, you're on the air.\nStan: Yeah, um, Jesus, after you got crucified, how long did it take you to die and resurrect?\nRandy: Stan?\nJesus: That's not the topic tonight. The topic is global warming.\nStan: Oh.\nJesus: Do you have an opinion on global warming?\nStan: Uh, it... sucks ass.\nJesus: Okay! Thank you caller. Well, let's go to our first guest, Dr. Alphonse Mephesto. [Mephesto appears and sits] Thank you for coming. You claim to know the cause of global warming in South Park.\nMephesto: I most certainly do! The cause of global warming is [brings out a picture of a man, with horns, mustache, and angry eyebrows drawn on] Randy Marsh! [Randy is stunned] It was Marsh's theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped a hole in our ozone layer. We are all doomed to die!\nRandy: Awww crap.\nScene Description: City Hall, the next day. The town is gathered clamoring for Randy to come out.\nTownsman: Go get him!\nTownsman 1: We want answers!\nTownsman 2: You've killed us all!\nTownsman 3: Someone's got to pay!\nWoman: It's out of control.\nScene Description: inside the Mayor's office.\nMayor McDaniels: Boy, they're really pissed.\nRandy: Well, they're right. We should have known that all that methane could adversely affect the atmosphere.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by me. [turns and walks to the door. Randy follows. She shows him out and quickly closes the door]\nRandy: [turns to the door] Hey!\nTownsman 4: You killed us all!\nTownsman 5: Shove that Nobel prize up your ass! [Stan and Kyle approach]\nStan: Oh my God, what's going on?\nTownsman 6: Now we either hold in our farts and spontaneously combust, o-o-or we let our farts out and kill our entire planet. Well I, for one, am not farting anymore! [he combusts and others gasp]\nRandy: Uuuh, I- I'll try to find a solution.\nTownsman 7: We don't want your solutions, phony!\nTownsman 8: Give me that! [rips the Nobel medallion from Randy's neck, leaving the strap] Yeah!\nTownsman 9: Damn you Marsh! Get out of town!\nTownsman 10: You fraud! [two of the townsmen throw the statue onto Randy, who drags it away on his back. The crowd begins to stone him]\nRandy: [struggling] Mr. Garrison, help me!\nMr. Garrison: [keeping Randy at arm's length] I, I do not know you, sir.\nTownsman 11: Up your-\nTownsman 12: Arrn!\nKyle: [throws a stone] Yeah, take that!\nStan: Dude, that's my dad!\nKyle: ...Oh, yeah. Sorry.\nScene Description: News 4 Special Report.\nAnchor: The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts. [a man combusts in front of his wife and child as he deposits a letter in a mailbox. A milk delivery man combusts after setting down a four-pack of milk. A boy combusts as he rides a bicycle] Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say:\nRandy: I-I don't know what to say.\nAnchor: What an asshole! I hate that guy, and so do you. And now, on to the weather. It's fucking hot, thanks to Randy Marsh, son of a bitch!\nScene Description: Everyone has gone to the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle look out from the living room window as the crowd clamors outside with torches. A man knocks down the trashcan next to the garage.\nKyle: Dude, those people are pissed!\nStan: I know, huh?\nKyle: Where's your dad?\nStan: He's hiding down in the basement. I I don't know what to do.\nKyle: Well, you have to help him, just like I have to help my dad.\nScene Description: Cartman is still on the cross.\nScene Description: Gerald's law firm. The sign reads \"Brovlofski & Jackson,\" so he's got a partner. Gerald sits at his desk looking over papers.\nRadio Talk Show Host: Still more up next from the heat wave caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier is melting above South Park and the entire town is doomed. And now, these messages.\nBob Dole: Having a hard time with male potency? [Gerald sits up and listens] Well, I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up. [upset, he turns off the radio. The door opens and three prostitutes enter]\nBlonde: Are you a lawyer?\nGerald: Yes.\nBlonde: We want to sue Randy Marsh.\nGerald: Why?\nBlonde: He gave us skin cancer.\nBrunette: Yeah. He put the hole in the ozone, and now we have skin cancer all over our hot bodies. Look. [she takes off her clothes and stands before Gerald dressed in thong panties. The other does the same, and he is in shock]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Stan and Kyle go to the basement. Randy cowers in a corner wrapped in a blanket.\nStan: What are you doing, dad?\nRandy: Stanley, I think its best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.\nStan: No, he's not! He can't even get a nurection!\nRandy: Hm. Really?\nStan: Dad, you've got to work! People are dying, dad. You've got to come up with a solution!\nRandy: Not me. I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack. Even if I found a solution, those people would still all hate me.\nStan: Well, that doesn't matter! I learned something from the Stations of the Cross.\nRandy: What?\nStan: See, at first, Jesus was all like, \"Why me?\" And he was all pissed off and stuff. But then he saw that what mattered most was everybody else. So he stopped thinking about his own misery, and did what had to be done. Right as Jesus was dying, [performs a Vulcan greeting] he raised his hand and said, \"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.\"\nRandy: You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right. [gets up and the boys go to the stairs] Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.\nStan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it sometime. [Randy returns to his work]\nKyle: Dude, that was Star Trek again.\nStan: Huh?\nKyle: \"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?\" That was Wrath of Khan.\nStan: Uh, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?\nRandy: All right. Now, let's get to work.\nYou And Me, Girl: [Intro. Randy mixes some chemicals, then writes some formulas on the chalkboard] [Randy explains the hold in the ozone layer] I've been telling everybody that you're my girl [Randy set off a reaction that boils over] Cause I'm not one to be shy [Randy looks into a microscope] You don't have to go with me if you don't want to, just [the boys approve] Tell everybody I'm your guy [Monster chases Randy and the boys all over the house] You and me, girl, it's forever Sha la la la la laaa I've been telling everybody that you're my girl, Cause I'm not one to be shy [Randy and the boys as a band] I've been telling everybody that you're my girl, Cause I'm not one to be shy [Randy and the boys in hearts on moiré] You don't have to go with me if you don't want to, just Tell everybody I'm your guy [Randy and the boys floating up through clouds] You and me, girl, it's forever Sha la la la la laaa [Randy and the boys play, and a monster appears] You and me, girl, forever and ever You and me, girl, forever and ever You and me, girl, forever and ever... [fade. Randy's humming]\nStan: Dad. Dad! [Randy slowly comes out of his daydream]\nRandy: Wow!\nStan: Dad, what are you doin?! You have to get started!\nRandy: [looks at Stan] ...Right, right right.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle watches TV and Ike plays on the floor. The front door opens.\nGerald: Kyle, where's your mother?\nKyle: She's upstairs.\nGerald: Well, I have something to give to her! [runs by with a big erection in his pants] Don't worry, Kyle. Everything's gonna be okay between me and your mom.\nKyle: Really? Great! I don't have to worry about that anymore. [Ike hops onto the armchair next to Kyle]\nScene Description: Another night on the cross.\nCartman: Hello-o.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. The crowd is still clamoring outside.\nTownsman 13: Look! There he is!\nTownsman 14: Get him!\nRandy: Uh. Please, everyone- [the crowd closes in and stones him]\nTownsman 15: You're a dead man, Marsh!\nRandy: [shielding himself from the stones] Please, just listen to me. I think I found the answer.\nTownsman 16: [to Townsman 15] Could I borrow one of your rocks?\nRandy: It's all about moderation. If you never fart, you combust, but if you always fart, you deplete the ozone. So we must fart only at appropriate times or when it's really, really funny.\nTownsman 17: Huh? [the people hold their fire]\nRandy: I know you all hate me, but please, for your own sake, fart in moderation. You can keep stoning me now, if you want. [most of the people drop their rocks, and Stan smiles through the window. A man throws one last rock] Ow.\nScene Description: City Hall, three weeks later.\nMayor McDaniels: And so we salute Randy Marsh and his unified theory of moderation that has saved us all. [the Nobel medallion has been repaired and is back around Randy's neck.]\nStan: [to Kyle] See? My dad is the coolest after all.\nKyle: Well, my dad is, too.\nStan: Cartman!\nKyle: I forgot all about him. [they leave]\nScene Description: The boys are not at the foot of the cross.\nStan: He's been up there for like, three weeks.\nKyle: Wow!\nStan: That's amazing!\nCartman: [in a slight falsetto] Hey you guys, I am really pissed off now.\nKyle: Dude! You're still alive, Cartman?\nCartman: Get me down from here!\nStan: Dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body?\nCartman: Yes. And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts.\nScene Description: \"You and Me, Girl\" plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Liane and Cartman are waiting in the lobby. Liane reads a magazine. A poster off to one side reads \"Real eyes the beauty within.\"\nCartman: Mom, please can we just leave?\nLiane: You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.\nCartman: But I hate the eye doctor. He always makes fun of me for being fat.\nLiane: You're not fat, you're big-boned.\nCartman: That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason.\nDoctor's assistant: [at the door, flatly] Eric Cartman. [a poster behind her looks like her]\nCartman: [enters the examination room] Weak. [the assistant follows him in to close the door.]\nScene Description: Inside, Cartman stops\nOptometrist: Hello, Eric.\nCartman: [resigned] Hi, Doctor Lout.\nDoctor Lout: How's my little piggy today?\nCartman: [points his finger at him] Ey! Don't call me a little piggy!\nDoctor Lout: I just say that because you're my little buddy.\nCartman: I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the fat jokes to yourself!\nDoctor Lout: Hop up on the chair. [Cartman hope up] Don't break it now!\nCartman: [turns around and sits] God damn it!\nDoctor Lout: Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes are doing. [lowering a refractor to Cartman's eyes] All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?\nCartman: Yes.\nDoctor Lout: All right, read them out for me.\nCartman: I am a little piggy. Ey! [the optometrist laughs. Cartman stands up on the chair and pushes the refractor away.] That does it! Mom!\nDoctor Lout: No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [voice fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I do not know how that happened. [reads the card] \"I am a little piggy.\" Wow! What are the odds of that? [throws it away] All right, let's get down to business, shall we? [places the refractor back on Cartman's face.]\nCartman: Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian!\nDoctor Lout: [begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?\nCartman: They look exactly the same.\nDoctor Lout: Just pick one. Or two.\nCartman: I don't know, two!\nDoctor Lout: [flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or two?\nCartman: Uh, one.\nDoctor Lout: [flips between an apple and a tall slice of chocolate cake] One, or two? One, or two?\nCartman: [chooses the cake] Two.\nDoctor Lout: No! The answer is one, piggy! One! [hits Cartman through the refractor]\nCartman: Ow! I hate you!\nDoctor Lout: [removes the refractor] Yes, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate them and run some tests.\nScene Description: Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand in line to get their lunches\nKyle: I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?\nStan: Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch.\nKenny: {Maybe he took a dump and got sick.} [the others laugh]\nKyle: Yeah. [sees Cartman] Oh, here he comes.\nCartman: [with very dilated pupils] Hey dudes.\nStan: [squints hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman? [Kyle blinks hard]\nCartman: My asshole eye doctor made them all dilevated.\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's a God-damned asshole, aaand, that's about it!\nStan: Why do you have to see an eye doctor?\nCartman: Because my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.\nKyle: Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to do.\nCartman: Hey, yeah! [The four enter the kitchen, but Cartman runs into the entrance and falls on his way in.] Ow!\nScene Description: The kitchen. The boys approach the lunch counter\nThe Boys: Hey Chef!\nMr. Derp: [wearing a hair net and cook's cap] Hello there, children.\nCartman: [rubs his eyes] Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up. Chef looks like a skinny little white guy.\nMr. Derp: It's time for lunch-e-roo\nStan: Where's Chef?\nMr. Derp: Chef quit.\nThe Boys: What?!\nMr. Derp: Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp. [ta-daaa!]\nKyle: Mr. Derp?\nMr. Derp: When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things are gonna happen. If you like Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Derp. [ta-daaa! Mr. Derp hits himself with a hammer and toddles] Ooo! Derp! [falls to the floor, then gets up] Derp! O-hoh wasn't that silly kids? [laughs, but the boys aren't impressed]\nStan: Why did Chef quit?\nMr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone. [takes out a tiny cannon and shoots himself with it. His face is full of gunpowder] Oh, I don't feel so good. [laughs] Derp!\nStan: [after a moment of silence] Could you just hand us some food please?\nMr. Derp: Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white stuff, huh. Derp!\nCartman: Can I have the yellow with a side of white?\nScene Description: the boys reenter the cafeteria with their lunches\nKyle: Dude! I hate Mr. Derp!\nStan: Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back.\nCartman: I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing was pretty funny. [chuckles]\nKyle: [looks back] Shut up, Cartman!\nScene Description: Chef's house. The boys reach the front door\nCartman: [runs into the door] Ow!\nChef: [wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door] Oh! Hello there, children!\nStan: Chef, what the hell are you doing? We almost starved to death at lunch today.\nChef: Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.\nKyle: Yeah, but we didn't believe them.\nChef: Well, it's true.\nStan: But why? Why would you quit?\nChef: Children, three nights ago I was at the library checking out some books on Kama Sutra when I met the most amazing woman ever. She knew so much about so many things. She really got me thinking. We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off.\nStan: So you made sweet love to her down by the fire.\nChef: No no, we just sat there all night long and... taaalked.\nStan: Talked?!\nChef: Yeah. She told me all about the powers of goddess, and how men have been oppressing women for years and viewing them as sexual objects, and I realized that I had done that myself.\nWoman: [walks up and looks out] Oh! What darling little children.\nChef: Here she is now. Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.\nStan: [ignoring that statement] That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!\nChef: Children, Veronica is moving in with me.\nKyle: Moving in?!\nChef: I'm in love.\nBoys: Love?!\nVeronica: Oh, you knight. [cuddles Chef]\nStan: What the hell is going on?!\nChef: Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.\nVeronica: [teasing] Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you.\nKyle: But Chef always helps us with our problems. When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better.\nChef: Well, I can still do that, children. In fact, Veronica can help me. She's a great singer, too.\nVeronica: What's the problem?\nCartman: My eyes are going bad, but the only eye doctor in South Park is really, really mean.\nVeronica: Oh, I know just the song for you. [reaches behind the door and pulls out a guitar. She starts to play it] There's got to be a morning after if we can hold on to the night [the boys are shocked, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]\nChef: [blandly] We have a chance to find the sunshine.\nChef, Veronica: Let's keep on looking for the light.\nKyle: This... is insane. [ \"Oh, can't you see the-\" ]\nScene Description: On the sidewalk. The boys walk away from Chef's house\nKyle: That bitch!\nStan: She's stealing Chef from us.\nKyle: He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.\nCartman: Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bitch she is.\nStan: Wait you guys. [pensive] Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new? [the others think about it...]\nKyle: Yeah, so?\nStan: ...Yeah, screw that bitch.\nCartman: Bitch, I hate that bitch!\nKyle: Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.\nStan: Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.\nKyle: Good idea.\nScene Description: The optometrist's office. Doctor Lout sits in the examination room holding a clipboard\nDoctor Lout: All right, we got the test results back, piggy-\nCartman: [sits on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop calling me piggy!\nDoctor Lout: You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.\nCartman: So, what does that mean?\nDoctor Lout: It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better.\nCartman: [seething] All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, dude. Okay? If you call me piggy one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair [throws a fit] and rip your god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!\nDoctor Lout: Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new. [puts a pair of blocky glasses on Cartman]\nCartman: [after seeing how they look and fit] Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing these; the guys would totally rip on me.\nDoctor Lout: I know, the hardest thing to do is get kids to wear their glasses.\nCartman: I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave!\nDoctor Lout: That's why we have the little stapler. [takes it out and starts stapling the glasses to Cartman's head]\nCartman: Ow! Son of a bitch!\nScene Description: The streets of South Park. The boys, without Cartman, are in the business district looking...\nKyle: They said that Chef works in one of these buildings [the boys run into Cartman in front of Steinburg & Burgstein Accounting.]\nCartman: Hey dudes. [the others study him, then laugh. Cartman's hurt, but jabs] Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!\nKyle: Dude! Just take them off!\nCartman: I can't! They're stapled to my head! [they study him again, then laugh harder.] I hate you guys.\nScene Description: Inside. The boys enter and see the receptionist\nReceptionist: Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?\nStan: We wanna talk to Chef.\nReceptionist: Chef?\nKyle: He's a big guy, with a beard.\nStan: And a chef hat.\nKenny: {And a real huge dick.}\nReceptionist: Oh! The black guy!\nStan: Huh?\nReceptionist: Third cubicle on the left [directs them to the work area, where Chef's hat can be seen, but stops Cartman] Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?\nCartman: [dismissively] Uh, yeah, sure sure.\nReceptionist: Wow! You really got fat.\nCartman: Ey!\nScene Description: The boys reach Chef's cubicle\nChef: Hello there, children.\nKids: Hey, Chef.\nChef: Eric, you got glasses!\nStan: Chef, you have to dump the bitch!\nChef: Huh?\nKyle: We need you, Chef.\nMan: [pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?\nChef: You bet! [the guy grins]\nKyle: Chef, this place isn't you!\nChef: Children, Veronica showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or thirty years, but after that, it starts to get old.\nStan: But we don't like her.\nChef: Why not??\nStan: I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.\nChef: Children, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day.\nKyle: No way, dude!\nCartman: Please, Chef! I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.\nChef: That's easy! Get some laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.\nCartman: Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks Chef!\nChef: You see? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?\nKids: Okay!\nScene Description: The bus stop. The boys wait for Chef. Cartman carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left\nKyle: Chef should be here any minute.\nScene Description: The day passes into night, and Kenny falls asleep. Rats gather and nibble on him. The others stand watch waiting for Chef, but there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no Chef. Kenny wakes up...\nStan: [pissed] Dude! He bailed on us!\nKyle: [pissed] I can't believe it!\nStan: Come on! We're going to his house! [they leave the bus stop]\nScene Description: Chef's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and Chef answers. The boys stand outside, angry.\nChef: Oh! Uh, hello there, children.\nKyle: All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!\nChef: Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot.\nStan: [sarcastic] You forgot!\nChef: Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. [dreamy] She's so amazing.\nKyle: Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef!\nVeronica: [appears behind Chef] Hello, children!\nCartman: Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't mind?\nChef: Children, I've got some great news for you. Veronica and I are getting married. [a dramatic riff signals the boys' alarm]\nStan: Oh no! No nononononono!\nChef: My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you boys to come, too.\nVeronica: This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [gets the guitar] There's got to be a morning after.\nChef: [blandly] If we can hold on through the night. [the boys are truly shocked] We have a chance to find the sunshine.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class\nMr. Garrison: And that, children, is what you need to know about The Facts Of Life. So, let's review. [writes a diagram on the board] Tootie left in the fourth season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands, leaving the fifth and sixth seasons hideously stagnant. [the bell rings] Okay children, that's lunch. See you in thirty minutes. [the class leaves, but the boys walk up to Garrison]\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?\nMr. Garrison: Sure.\nStan: Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but wuh we can't this time.\nMr. Garrison: [asserting himself] Well children, I am your teacher. I think you'll find that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.\nKyle: All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend, and then stopped being your friend, and it pissed you off?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, the old succubus syndrome.\nStan: What's a succubus?\nMr. Garrison: A succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life out of a man.\nKyle: That's it!\nStan: Yeah!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, there's not much you can do about a succubus. Their evil power makes man blind to love.\nKyle: This is totally what's happening!\nStan: Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill. Poontang's expensive. That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave them. I'd say \"get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry!\"\nKyle: Thanks, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Sure, kids. [the boys leave the classroom]\nMr. Hat: You're not fooling anyone!\nMr. Garrison: Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!\nScene Description: South Park business district. The boys head back to Steinburg & Burgstein\nKyle: Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus.\nStan: Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told him. [a small station wagon pulls up, driven by Cartman's mom]\nLiane: There you are, Eric! Come on, we have to go to the eye doctor.\nCartman: Oh, no!\nLiane: Come on. Do you want your laser corrective surgery or not?\nCartman: Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow.\nLiane: Now, hon.\nCartman: But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubuuus!\nScene Description: Chef's house. People are milling around outside as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive. Stan rings the doorbell, and an elderly gray-haired man answers\nChef's dad: Hello there, children.\nStan: Who are you?\nChef's dad: I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding.\nKyle: Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him.\nChef's dad: Well, come on in. [they enter]\nScene Description: Once inside, Chef's dad closes the door\nKyle: There he is! [rushes in]\nScene Description: The fitting room. Chef's dad shows them in, then leaves. A tailor takes Chef's measurements for the pants as Veronica walks by. Chef is wearing the finished coat and shirt.\nStan: Chef, we have to talk to you!\nChef: Who? Not now, children! I gotta get fitted for my britches! Be right back. [hurries away. Stan's head drops, then the boys walk away.]\nScene Description: The living room. The boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on it. Chef's parents sit across from them on the love seat. An uneasy silence follows\nChef's dad: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?\nStan: You're Chef's parents?\nChef's mom: Yes, all his life.\nKyle: We have to talk to him!\nChef's dad: Well, he should be out now directly.\nChef's mom: Oh, he's so excited about the wedding now.\nChef's dad: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?\nStan: No, that's okay.\nChef's dad: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.\nChef's mom: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said \"Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!\"\nThomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,-\nChef's mom: Oh, it was so scary!\nThomas: and I yelled. I said, \"What do you want from us, monster?!\" And the monster bent down and said, \"...Uh I need about tree-fitty.\" [a long silence follows]\nKyle: What's tree-fitty?\nThomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.\nChef's mom: Tree-fitty.\nStan: He wanted money?\nThomas: That's right. I said \"I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!\"\nChef's mom: I gave him a dollar.\nThomas: She gave him a dollar.\nChef's mom: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.\nThomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!\nScene Description: The optometrist's office. Cartman is on the examination chair flanked by a nurse on each side. He is wearing a breathing mask. Doctor Lout moves around him\nDoctor Lout: Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right? [the nurses giggle]\nCartman: Hey! You son of a bitch!\nDoctor Lout: All right. Time to laser me a little piggy. [the nurses giggle]\nCartman: Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick you square in the nuh- [Doctor Lout turns up the sleeping gas] I'm gonyanya, uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh [the gas knocks him out]\nDoctor Lout: I bet his mom wishes she could do that.\nScene Description: Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story...\nThomas: And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-\nNellie: August.\nThomas: August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout-\nNellie: And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all.\nThomas: And she says to me, \"How would you like to buy some cookies?\" And I said \"Well, what kind do you have?\" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-\nNellie: Raisin oatmeal.\nThomas: Raisin oatmeal, and I said \"We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?\" And she looks at me and she says, \"...Uh I need about tree-fitty.\"\nNellie: ...Tree-fitty.\nThomas: Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.\nNellie: The Loch Ness monster.\nThomas: I said, \"Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!\" It said, \"how about just two-fitty?\" I said, \"Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!\"\nNellie: Lord, he was angry.\nThomas: Damn right, I was angry!\nNellie: Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.\nThomas: Aah, shut your mouth, woman!\nStan: Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?\nThomas: Sure. That crazy old monster [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out] Now, then the fourth time I saw the...\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed recovering from the laser corrective surgery on his eyes. Patches cover his eyes and are taped to his face. There's a knock on his door, and the boys enter\nStan: [disappointed] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery; I have to wear these bandages for three days!\nStan: Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.\nCartman: Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?\nStan: Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so evil. She has him totally kept away from us.\nLiane: [entering] Eric, you have a little visitor. Is that all right? [the others face her]\nCartman: Okay. [Liane leaves, and Veronica soon enters]\nVeronica: Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.\nCartman: Aaah! It's the succubus! [looks in her direction as the others jump, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]\nVeronica: Huh?\nStan: We know what you are, lady!\nKyle: Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!\nVeronica: A what?\nStan: A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men!\nVeronica: [sweetly] Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?\nKyle: Well, you are taking Chef from us. [Kenny has loosened his hood]\nVeronica: [sets the pie down on the floor] Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you. I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man. He has needs you boys can't fulfill. He wants a life with me because I make him happy. Do you understand?\nStan: I guess.\nVeronica: Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow, [her face becomes that of a demon's, with blood-red eyes and sharp teeth, and her voice grows sinister] And there's not a God-damned thing you can do about it! [laughs evilly. Stan and Kyle jump and scream, and Kenny pulls his hood tight again. Her face resets itself] Toodle-oo! [leaves]\nStan: Jesus dude! [the boys are trembling, and Kenny keeps that hood tight]\nCartman: What? What happened?\nScene Description: King Jimmy's Buffet. A banner spans the front of the restaurant, saying, \"Closed for Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Party.\" Chef, his family, Veronica, and other guests are present. Soft jazz plays in the background.\nThomas: Could I have your attention please? [the guests quiet down and the music stops] Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [sniffles] I'm very happy for them both. [sobs] Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.\nChef: It's okay, pop.\nNellie: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [sobs]\nThomas: Oh, I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said, \"Poppa, poppa!\" I said \"What do you need, Chef, my boy?\", and he said, \"...I need about tree-fitty.\"\nNellie: ...Tree-fitty.\nThomas: Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. I said, \"Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?\" He said, \"My imaginary friend Goo-Goo the dinosaur wants it.\" I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch Ness monster!\nNellie: Oh, it was scary!\nThomas: I said, \"Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!\"\nScene Description: the door opens, and the boys enter\nStan: Excuse me! [the boys stop at the register] We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news. [the boys approach the head table]\nKyle: [pointing to Veronica] This is not a woman! It is a succubus!\nChef: What?!\nStan: Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him\nVeronica: [hurt] Children! That hurts my feelings.\nKyle: [unmoved] Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're not fooling anybody!\nChef: All right guys! That's enough! I have had it with you! This is the happiest time of my life, and you can't be happy for me!\nStan: Chef, but-\nChef: No buts, Stan! [Veronica starts crying, and he cradles her] I love this woman, and I am marrying her! Now you can either accept that, or get out of my life! Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party. [the boys exit]\nThomas: So I chased the monster down the street, you see...\nScene Description: Outside, the boys walk away from the restaurant\nKyle: I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef likes her more than us.\nStan: No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef wouldn't give up on us!\nScene Description: Cartman's room, morning. Cartman is in bed with patches over his eyes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are reading books on demonology\nStan: Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses, but nothing on how to stop them.\nCartman: You guys, it's six in the morning, I have to get some sleep.\nStan: Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours. We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a Succubus.\nCartman: You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I said it! Screw him! Let him marry a succubus! I wanna go to sleep. [rolls over]\nKyle: Here! Here! Look at this. It says \"The succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody. This is the Succubi power. Only playing this melody backwards can vanquish the succubus power.\"\nStan: What the hell does that mean?\nKyle: I don't know.\nKenny: [closes his book and expounds] (Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I know precisely what it's saying. It says that we've gotta go and find a pile of records and get the one that has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta get into learning to rearrange them.)\nStan: Right.\nKenny: (And then we gotta go down and get a piece of paper and write down each one of the words we sang on the tape deck. And then, sing it back again!)\nStan: Yeah?\nKenny: (That's what that means!)\nStan: Oh-hoho!\nKyle: Hey yeah! What's that song she always sings? There's got to be a morning after.\nCartman: [picks up] If we can hold on to the night. We've got to find our way together...\nStan: That's it! We gotta learn that song backwards.\nKyle: [doubting] In three hours.\nScene Description: First Church of South Park. A banner above the lower cross reads \"Congratulations Chef and Veronica.\" People are streaming in for the wedding\nKyle: Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open. [Cartman is nodding off, too]\nStan: We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. [turns to Cartman] You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? [taps him]\nKyle: He's asleep. Wake up fatass!\nCartman: [rattled] What what what?\nStan: God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.\nCartman: I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!\nThomas: [telling his tale to Randy and Sharon] ...And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me and all that.\nNellie: We had taco salad that night.\nThomas: Don't matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said, \"What do you want from me, alien?!\" and do you know what he said?\nNellie: Tree-fitty.\nThomas: Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! He said, \"tree-fitty.\" And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?!\nNellie: I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.\nThomas: What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!\nNellie: [somewhat defensive] He tricked me.\nThomas: Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!\nScene Description: The ceremony begins. An usher goes up to a turntable and sets the needle down on a record. Veronica enters in a traditional wedding gown\nStan: There she is! [\"Here Comes the Bride\" plays. Chef and Priest Maxi await her.]\nStan: [as Veronica walks by] Bitch. Bitch.\nKyle: [joins in] Bitch.\nStan: Bitch.\nKyle: Dirty bitch.\nStan: [to Cartman] All right. Kyle and I are gonna take our positions up front.\nCartman: Okay. [Stan and Kyle leave]\nPriest Maxi: Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-\nChef: Iii do!\nNellie: Aaah, my baby's getting married!\nPriest Maxi: And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?\nVeronica: I do!\nPriest Maxi: And now a special sharing of vows through song.\nStan: [as \"A Morning After\" begins] Here it goes.\nVeronica: There's got to be a morning after. [the needle is removed and there's no more music]\nStan: Now, Cartman! [Kyle holds the needle in his left hand. The crowd gasps and Veronica is pissed]\nKyle: Now, Cartman!! [No response. Cartman is asleep again.]\nChef: [looks over] Children! You are screwing up my wedding! [Priest Maxi and Veronica turn to face them]\nVeronica: I'll take care of them! [begins to move towards them]\nKyle: Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!! [Kenny punches Cartman]\nCartman: Ow! [Veronica reaches Stan and Kyle, but the backwards version of \"A Morning After\" soon plays]\nStan, Kyle: [singing on the tape] Light the for looking on keep let's sunshine...\nVeronica: [stops] Aaargh!\nStan, Kyle: The find to chance a have we night-\nVeronica: Noooo! [the whites of her eyes flash red for a few seconds]\nChef: [sees Veronica transform] What the-?!\nStan, Kyle: -the to on- [the tape balks and reverses to a halt]\nCartman: Oh no! The tape jammed! [Veronica transforms again, this time tearing through the gown, revealing her huge wings and succubus body. The congregation reacts with groans and screams]\nMan: Oh my God!\nWomen: Oh my God!\nChef: What the-?! [everyone else falls silent]\nThomas: She's a goddam Succubus!\nNellie: Succubus trying to take my baby! [the succubus roars and flies into the air. As she hovers over the congregants, they scream and dive under the pews]\nScene Description: Outside, The doors open and people pour out\nScene Description: Inside, Stan and Kyle try to get Cartman's attention again\nStan: Come on Cartman!\nCartman: [pressing every button on the tape player] I can't see anything!\nKenny: [tries to help] (Wait...) [the succubus lands on Kenny, breaking the pew in half. Kenny is dead under her feet]\nStan: Oh my God! She killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nNellie: [with a stick, runs at the succubus] You damn monster! Get away from my baby!\nThomas: [reaching into his pocket] Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!\nNellie: [gets a few blows in, but the succubus knocks her away] Oh my-\nCartman: [presses the right button] Got it! [music resumes]\nStan, Kyle: -the to on hold can we if after [the succubus grips her head with both hands, roaring in pain]morning a be to got There's Warm and safe that's... [the ground opens up, flames appear, and the succubus drops down into the hole. The flames leave with her. Chef walks up to the hold and looks over it]\nMr. Garrison: [sits up in his pew] Hoh, wow! You don't see that every day!\nStan: [walks up with Kyle to Chef] We're sorry Chef, we had to do it!\nChef: [sadly] No I'm, I'm glad you did, children. Now that she's gone, I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her.\nMr. Garrison: [to man on his right] Poontang's poontang.\nChef: Come on, children. Let's go get some ice cream.\nStan, Kyle: Hooray! [the three walk out. As they do, people start rising from under the pews]\nCartman: What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny okay?\nScene Description: The cafeteria kitchen. Chef is back at the counter as the boys enter.\nChef: Hello there, children!\nStan, Kyle: Hey, Chef!\nChef: How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?\nStan: [cheerfully] We'd love them!\nKyle: It's great to have you back Chef!\nChef: Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week: [begins to sing]Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think it can't get any better.But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your dong.So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!Just play it cool and don't be a fool...\nMr. Garrison: [from the entrance] And never let poontang come between you and your friend.\nChef: Daaamn right, Garrison! [song fades out]\nScene Description: The optometrist's office. Cartman walks in with a large ice box. His bandages are off. Now we know why he wasn't at school with Stan and Kyle.\nDoctor Lout: Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?\nCartman: After today they're gonna be fine, and I'll never have to see you ever again!\nDoctor Lout: I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes.\nCartman: No, not with my eyes. With these! [takes Kenny's frozen head out of the box to show the eyes] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!\nDoctor Lout: Was he an organ donor?\nCartman: Eh-sure.\nDoctor Lout: All right, then let's get to work. [Cartman gets in the chair, and the optometrist pulls out Kenny's left eye] Say, you don't have three dollars and fifty cents on you, do you?\nStan, Kyle: [Over end credits\"A Morning After\" plays backwards] Light the for looking on keep let's Sunshine the find to chance a have we Night the to on hold can we if After morning a be to got there's Warm and safe that's..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica.\nCartman: You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called, \"I Hate You Guys\": [plays four notes before each line] I hate you guys. You guys are assholes. Specially Kenny. [the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.\nCartman: Okay now, let's try one all together: I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words. Specially Kenny.\nKyle: This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. [\"Hey you guys, sing the song!\"] Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30,... [Cartman gets up and walks away]\nStan: Where are you going?\nCartman: I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom.\nKyle: Just go behind a tree.\nCartman: I have to go number two.\nStan: So? You can poo in the wilderness.\nCartman: No way, dude! What would I wipe with?\nKyle: Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!\nCartman: Well what do I sit on?\nKyle: You just squat, stupid! [Cartman begins to lower his pants...]\nStan: Not here! Go further away!\nCartman: [moves away] God, I'm glad you guys know all these \"pooping outside\" rules! [he squats some distance away and begins] Urgh. Come on, now.\nKyle: Watch out for ground eels! [he, Stan and Kenny begin to laugh]\nCartman: Stop, you guys! I can't think!\nKyle: What do you have to think about?\nCartman: I have to think about... planes dropping bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream... [a dump is heard] Oh, that did it.\nStan: Sick, dude!\nScene Description: In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again\nCartman: Poopin' outside, [a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream For my friends Specially Kenny. Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow creature peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's rear.]\nKenny: (Here you go.) [begins to walk to Cartman, but realizes what it's to be used for] (No way!) [goes back to roasting his marshmallow]\nCartman: [hears some rustling and zips up immediately] What the?\nCreature: [running through the trees] Oohma poota!\nCartman: Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this!\nStan: [thinking of poo] We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!\nCartman: [urging] You guys, get over here!\nKyle: No way, dude!\nCartman: I'm serious now! [the boys walk over to the spot] Look. Over by those bushes.\nKyle: What?\nCreature: Meesa scared!\nStan: I see it!\nCartman: Come on! Let's kill it! [the boys move forward]\nKyle: [steps in the poo and looks at his shoe] Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it!\nScene Description: Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside, Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something.\nAnnouncer: Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It has a dragon on the blade. [close-up of the samurai sword] It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw-\nJimbo: Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?! [Ned tries to speak] I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your god-damned voice box, Ned!\nNed: [eructing] Shut... up... Jimbo.\nJimbo: Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out.\nStan: [outside] I saw it this way!\nKyle: Over here!\nCartman: [trying to keep up] Come on, you guys!\nScene Description: The boys reach the lodge.\nJimbo: [opens the door] What the hell's goin' on?!\nStan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it ran over that way!\nJimbo: Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on! [goes in, and reappears with his gun. Ned follows him out the door] Where did it go?\nKyle: It just ran by here a second ago. [rustling is heard]\nJimbo: [cocks the shotgun] Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap! [all move slowly around a corner] Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready. [turns it on and flashes it into the trap]\nCreature: Ooba jaaga!\nJimbo: Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it!\nCreature: Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!\nCartman: Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.\nKyle: [annoyed] It's stupid.\nJimbo: Well, let's kill it.\nCartman: [intervening] No! No. Don't.\nJimbo: Huh?\nCartman: I like it.\nKyle: You don't like anything, Cartman! [the creature is shaking from fright, and Cartman looks at it affectionately]\nJimbo: Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell her that we... hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind, I'll do it.\nScene Description: South Park, the next day.\nJimbo: Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight. [the crowd murmurs and the creature just stares out of the cage. His view is that of a fish lens]\nSheila: [walks up to it] Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. [three men with briefcases walk up]\nFED: Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior.\nMayor: Ooh, yes. How are you?\nDOI 1: [the one with black hair] Fine, just fine.\nDOI 2: [the one with red hair] Fine, just fine.\nDOI 3: [the one with brown hair] Fine.\nMayor: Right over here. [she shows them the creature and they stare in awe]\nDOI 2: My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? [DOI 3 is just stunned]\nCreature: Meesa needa Jakov. [raises its arms] Dwooooooo!\nDOI 1: Mm-it's amazing.\nMayor: What?\nDOI 1: Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been seen.\nMayor: Oh, neato.\nDOI 2: Incredible. [turns to look at the Mayor] We know of this creature only from remains frozen in snow.\nDOI 1: Do you realize what this means? We could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur species back from extinction.\nCartman: Wow! Cool!\nNed: [eructing] Is... there... re... ward... money? [the DOI agents look at him]\nJimbo: Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!\nDOI 2: This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals.\nWoman: Well, in that case, I think we should name it... Hope.\nWoman 2: Hope.\nMan: Yes, Hope.\nHope: Meesa name Junjun.\nStan: I think his name is Junjun.\nMayor: Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!\nDOI 1: Now we must find a safe place for it.\nMr. Garrison: I'll keep it at my house.\nMayor: No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it!\nJunjun: Uuh?!\nMr. Garrison: What?! How dare you say that?!\nMayor: Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut.\nRancher: Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but it's heated.\nDOI 1: Well, that sounds fine, just fine.\nDOI 3: Fine, just fine.\nDOI 2: Fine.\nMr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everyone around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!\nScene Description: That night, something mysterious is happening at Stark's Pond. The water is agitated again, and another jakovasaur rises out of the water. It sees a pup tent and rushes to it. It finds a backpack next to it and searches it. The following address shows up: E. Cartman, 21208 E. Bonaza Cir., South Park, CO. But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network on TV.\nAnnouncer: It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the Sumatomi sword-\nCartman: [wondering] Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers??\nLiane: [from somewhere else] I'll think about it, hon.\nCartman: Sweet. [someone knocks on the front door] Mom, somebody's at the door.\nLiane: Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.\nCartman: Should I get it?\nLiane: [in bed, with torch and bong in hand] Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one of your little friends.\nCartman: Okay.\nLiane: [inhales, with a manly voice] Hmmm. [two men are in bed with her. One of them is her congressman, O'Reilly]\nScene Description: The knocking continues.\nCartman: Okay, okay, hold your horses! God! [opens the door and screams. An angry jakovasaur glares at him. Cartman backs into the living room] Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!\nLiane: That's nice, muffin.\nJakovasaur: Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. [falls on his face and gets up] Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last night, and I'm worried sick.\nCartman: You mean the other jakovasaur?\nJakovasaur: What means a jakovasaur?\nCartman: You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you.\nJakovasaur: Oh. Cool beans.\nCartman: But the other jakovasaur talked different.\nJakovasaur: That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different.\nCartman: I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna believe it.\nJakovasaur: Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind. There are only two of us left.\nScene Description: Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned.\nCartman: He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left. [the others stay silent, looking at him]\nKyle: Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?\nCartman: Will you stop with the whole \"mom smoking crack\" thing?! It's a old joke!\nJakovasaur: [hidden] Eric, do you have any more cookies? [Cartman turns his head aside and grins]\nStan: Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?\nCartman: No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in. [the closet door opens and the jakovasaur comes out]\nStan: Wow!\nCartman: Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.\nJakov: Huhello, guys. I love new friends. [trips and flies across the room, then clears his head. A rattling noise is heard]\nCartman: Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?\nStan: [put off] No, he's annoying.\nKyle: What are we supposed to do with him?\nCartman: We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend.\nStan: Why don't we just tell our parents?\nCartman: No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do this ourselves.\nScene Description: The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the barn with Jakov.\nStan: [softly] Sshh! Be quiet. We could get in big trouble for being here.\nJakov: [sees his mate and can't help it] Junjun!\nStan: [softly, curtly] Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!\nJakov: [rushes up to her] Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay! [she's sitting on some hay]\nKyle: [softly, curtly] Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!\nJakov: [turns around] I am whispering! [steps on a rake, whose handle smacks him on the head] Yyeow!\nCartman: [laughing] Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.\nJakov: [soothing his head] I am?\nStan: Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and go back to Stark's Pond?\nJakov: Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than Stark's Pond. [the barn doors open to show the Mayor, the rancher, and the DOI agents looking quite angry.]\nJunjun: Aw, we's in big doodoo now.\nJakov: Uh oh.\nScene Description: Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone.\nOperator: Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?\nNed: [eructing] Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... box...\nAmanda: Excuse me?\nNed: I... lost... my... voice... box...\nAmanda: [after a long pause] Excuse me?\nNed: [faster, after a pause] I... lost... my... voice... box... [Jimbo enters the room and Ned hangs up]\nJimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box! [Ned reaches for it, but Jimbo keeps it out of reach, teasing Ned] You want it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you go. [hands him the box] Well, try it out!\nNed: [crisply] Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing?\nJimbo: Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by mistake.\nNed: Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the receipt, then?\nMan: [barges in] You guys come quick! I've only just heard!\nJimbo: What? What is it?\nMan: They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur! [silence]\nNed: Gmmm, blimey.\nScene Description: South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage.\nMayor: [on the mic] Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy.\nDOI 1: Thank you, Mayor. [takes over] The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance to bring them back.\nCartman: [reading his acceptance speech] \"Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor...\"\nKyle: What are you doing, fatass?!\nCartman: I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. \"Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor...\"\nDOI 1: ...Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival.\nMan: [amid much chatter] Yea for us!\nJakov: Thank you!\nMayor: And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!\nCartman: [walks to the podium and speaks] Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction.\nMan 2: Well, that's about it. Let's go.\nMan 3: Yeah. [the crowd begins to disperse]\nCartman: You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me... [finds himself all alone in the square] Ey, you sons of bitches! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor!\nScene Description: The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and caring for the jakovasaurs is there.\nJakov: Wow!! It's so pretty!\nDOI 1: Well, Jakov, we hope this new home \"inspires\" you and Hope to uh, hm, you know... [the room falls silent]\nJakov: What?\nDOI 2: Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you two should uuh...\nJakov: What?\nDOI 3: Get to some business. [make a ring with the thumb and index finger of one hand and sticks the other index finger through the ring]\nJakov: [scratches his head] What??\nKyle: They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!\nJakov: Ooohh.\nMayor: [as the rest leave the house] We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.\nJakov: Well, all right, then. [the Mayor closes the door]\nScene Description: The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around. Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance.\nJunjun: Meesa just don't wanna!\nJakov: [walking out] I don't know what to do!\nDOI 1: Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your... [sees there's nothing where something should be] Hmmm. [stroke his chin] I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate.\nDOI 2: [holds his index finger up] There is... another option.\nScene Description: Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination table.\nMephesto: I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen.\nJakov: I have seamen? Where's their boat? [imitates a fog horn] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! [Cartman laughs]\nMephesto: Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov. [Jakov stops] I... will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked. [sticks a syringe into Junjun's arm and draws a blood sample. Junjun reacts immediately as Mephesto goes to his microscope]\nJunjun: Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!\nJakov: [adds his reaction] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!\nStan: God-damn!\nKyle: Shut up!!\nMephesto: Yes! Yes, I think it worked! [Jakov and Junjun stop as Mephesto turns to face the group] You are going to be parents!\nDOI 3: Yeah!\nDOI 2: We did it!\nJakov: Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park!\nStan: [to Kyle] Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around?\nScene Description: The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now know what it is to be one of the guys.\nCommentator: ...and Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's down-\nJakov: Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys!\nRandy: No problem, Jakov.\nCommentator: To the 40-yard line!\nMen: Yea!\nJakov: Go Niners! Ni-ners!\nGerald: We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!\nJakov: Oooops!\nCommentator: ...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40, the 30,... [the men are happy]\nJakov: You guys know what? [they angrily snap their heads in his directions] This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a brown rabbit-\nCommentator: He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose!\nJakov: You guys know what... happened? It touched Junjun right in front of me.\nRandy: Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more... pretzels?\nJakov: Sure. You got money?\nGerald: [hands him some bills] Here- here you go. And and don't go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels.\nJakov: [gets up] Cool beans. [trips over the plug, knocking down the TV] Oopsie. I'll be right back. [closes the door]\nMr. Mackey: Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.\nThe Others: Yup.\nScene Description: The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, the Mayor, and Sheila are all present.\nDOI 1: Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.\nDOI 2: At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years.\nJunjun: Doe-wooop!\nDOI 1: Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just fine.\nDOI 3: Just fine.\nDOI 2: Fine.\nKyle: Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby.\nCartman: If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct.\nKyle: Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was. [he and Stan laugh]\nCartman: Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got better!\nDOI 2: Here we go.\nJunjun: Doe-woooop!\nSheila: [gushing] Behold, the miracle of childbirth!\nJunjun: Dowoop! [her water breaks and lands on everyone]\nKyle: Gross!\nJunjun: Dowoop! [a baby jakovasaur is shot out and strikes the wall. It whimpers as it drops]\nAll: Hooray!\nDOI 3: This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction! [the baby jakovasaur gets up and moves around, growling]\nJunjun: Dowoooop! Dowoop!\nDOI 2: Looks like there might be a second one.\nDOI 1: Wow! That would be a great start for them. [close-up of the second baby flying out of the vagina]\nAll: Hooray! [Junjun starts pumping babies out in all directions. The adults crouch behind the sofa for cover]\nMayor: She's a cannon! [seventeen babies end up in front of the wall. The lead agent walks up to them]\nDOI 1: Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.\nCartman: [picks up a baby and says sweetly] Aren't they cute, you guys?\nStan: [to Kyle] Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing.\nJunjun: Huh-owhoa-o-woop! [pumps out a second set of jakovasaurs]\nDOI 1: Huh?! [getting out of the way] Whoa-o-whoa!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session.\nMr. Garrison: Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class. [the class is full of jakovasaur children]\nStan: Dude, it's crowded in here.\nJakovasaur boy: [sitting in front of Pip] I like school!\nJakovasaur girl: Bo-woop!\nMr. Garrison: O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history. [starts writing on the board] Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? [a jakovasaur kid in the front row raises his hand and waves it] Yes?\nJakovasaur boy: I don't know.\nJakovasaur girl: Bo-woop!\nMr. Garrison: O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question?\nJakovasaur kid 1: [in front of Wendy] I can't.\nJakovasaur kid 2: Me neither.\nMr. Garrison: [angrily] Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know!\nJakovasaur kid 2: Oh.\nJakovasaur kid 3: O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!\nJakovasaur kid 4: Ooo! Fight! Fight! [he and another jakovasaur start to fight]\nJakovasaur kid 5: School, school! I like school! [the fighting escalates]\nJakovasaurs: School, school! I like school! School, school! I like school!\nKyle: Dude, this sucks ass!\nCartman: [\"School, school! I like school!\"] I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool. [\"School, school! I like school!\"]\nMr. Hat: This is insane, Mr. Garrison. [\"School, school! I like school!\"]\nMr. Garrison: [looking defeated] It sure is, Mr. Hat. [\"School, school! I like-!\"]\nScene Description: The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting away, including the Mayor.\nMayor: Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out!\nMr. Garrison: Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom. I can't teach our kids anything!\nAll: Yeah!\nChef: And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up!\nAll: Yeah!\nMan: Totally!\nTrashman: And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too!\nMan: Totally!\nAll: Yeah!\nMan: Listen to her!\nMan 2: And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die. [no one responds, so he supports himself] Yeah! Yeah, that's right!\nMayor: All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something, but we can't just make them leave.\nJimbo: We just encourage them to find someplace better.\nMayor: But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid. Where would they fit in?\nScene Description: The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others are talking to Jakov and Junjun\nJakov: Memphis?\nMayor: Yes, Memphis. [shows him a brochure of the city] You jakovasaurs would love it there.\nJakov: I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you think, honey?\nJunjun: G'ooh-woo-ooop!\nJakov: Yeah.\nMayor: But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right? [several people respond with \"Yeah\" and \"Memphis\"]\nJakov: Okay, we'll move to Memphis!\nMen: Yea!\nOthers: Hooray! [the door opens, and the boys appear with Liane]\nCartman: [cheerfully] Hey, Jakov, how's it going?\nJakov: Great, Eric! We're moving.\nCartman: [gasps] Moving?\nJakov: Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land of Memphis.\nCartman: You... can't leave. You're my friend.\nLiane: Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.\nJimbo: Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!\nCartman: [softly] Jakov, please don't go. [music] You make everything in South Park fun. [Jakov is touched] You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you.\nJakov: It would?\nCartman: Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. Stay?\nJakov: O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying!\nCartman: [exulting] Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys! [everyone else is pissed at him]\nScene Description: Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed.\nMayor: Now what do we do?\nDOI 1: Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.\nMayor: You have?\nDOI 1: Yes. We're leaving.\nAll: What??\nDOI 1: We're getting the hell out of here and away from those God-damned things.\nMayor: You can't leave.\nCartman: Yes. Who would take care of them?\nDOI 2: Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. [gives him a DOI badge] So now, you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.\nCartman: [a bit humbly] I have authoriteh?\nDOI 2: That's right. And people must respect it.\nCartman: [fitting into the role] Well, that should be fine, just fine. [the agents climb into their van]\nDOI 2: Fine, just fine.\nCartman: Fine.\nStan: Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!\nDOI 2: Bye-bye, now. [closes the door, and the van speeds away. Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]\nScene Description: The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week.\nAnnouncer: And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy Central. [\"Jakovasaurs\" appears on screen. Then, Junjun appears in the living room with some of her children.]\nJakov: [enters wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase] Hi, honey! I'm home! [trips over the welcome mat and crashes into the sofa. Canned laughter is heard] Wooooo! [gets up, rubbing his head] Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee.\nJunjun: Booo-wooop?\nJakov: No, in the boss's lap. [more laughter]\nBoy: Hello, dad.\nJakov: Hello, son. How was your day?\nBoy: Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened.\nJakov: What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith? [more laughter]\nBoy: Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it. [brings out the letter]\nJakov: That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail.\nBoy: Oh! He took care of mom, too. [more laughter]\nJakov: You're a nut! Let me see that letter. [opens it and reads the letter] It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete. [the front door opens]\nCartman: Hi, Jakov. [applause] What the hell is that? [laughter] Who's laughing?\nJakov: Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation-\nCartman: Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready. [he and Jakov start walking]\nJakov: Woo, woo! [trips over one of his kids and falls on his back. Cartman stops. Jakov gets up. He and Cartman face the camera as laughter and applause are heard, and grin.]\nScene Description: While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too.\nMayor: [anxious] Come onn, come on! [the phone rings and she snatches the receiver] Hello!\nJakov: Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block from-\nMayor: Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show. Congratulations! Will you do it?!\nJakov: Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go?\nMayo: [rushing] Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you win!! [thrusts the receiver to arm's length]\nJakov: Cool beans!! [the Mayor hangs up]\nMayor: We've got 'em! All right. The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?\nAll: Break!\nScene Description: South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio audience. Jimbo approaches Ned.\nJimbo: Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box Express.\nNed: [eructing] Oh... boy..., oh... boy.\nMayor: [whispering in Barbrady's ear] Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose!\nBarbrady: Right.\nMayor: [goes back to her mark] Okay. Let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs! [turns on the mic] Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France! [the jakovasaurs hoot and holler] And, all one of you lucky contestants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players?\nBarbrady: Ready.\nJakov: Ready.\nMayor: Okay. Hands on your buzzers.\nJakov: [bzt] Forty-seven! [his kids cheer wildly]\nMayor: [correcting Jakov] You have to wait until I ask the question first.\nJakov: Sor-ry!\nMayor: That's okay. Hands on buzzers.\nJakov: [bzt] Turkey sandwich!\nBarbrady: Damn, he's quick!\nJakov: [bzt] Oh. Sor-ry! [bzt]\nBarbrady: No, I'm sorry. [bzzzt]\nJakov: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.\nBarbrady: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.\nJakov: Sorry.\nBarbrady: Sorry. [both buzzers stay on]\nMayor: Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?! [the buzzers stop]\nStagehand: [off camera] Got it!\nMayor: Now, can we get on with this? First question: What color is blue? [drumroll]\nBarbrady: Blue? [ping. Barbrady gets the first point]\nMayor: What?\nBarbrady: Uh. Blue is blue?\nJakov: Awww, did I lose?\nMayor: What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. [whispers to Barbrady] You're supposed to lose, you idiot!\nBarbrady: Where am I?\nMayor: Just don't answer any more questions, got it?\nBarbrady: Okie-dokie.\nMayor: Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out of three!\nScene Description: The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.\nCartman: What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show.\nStan: Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.\nKyle: We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears.\nCartman: Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species. [brings it out] Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine.\nKyle: [pointing] There it is! [a shot of Kenny wearing twigs] That must be of the antelope family.\nCartman: [after some study] That's Kenny with branches on his head. [looks again] Why did you bring me all the way out here, you guys?\nStan: [huffs] Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck. You have to understand that.\nCartman: Well, what does that have to do with me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game show is a fix! [drops his notepad and rushes back to town]\nKyle: Cartman! Wait!\nKenny: (Hey you guys, wait up for me!) [a black bear rushes down the hill, growling] (Waaah!) [the bear mauls him and tumbles away]\nScene Description: South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady is ahead 7-0.\nMayor: What's two plus two, Jakov?\nJakov: I don't know!\nBarbrady: Four? [ping. 8-0]\nMayor: Jakov, what is your name? [drumroll. The studio audience looks at him quite annoyed]\nBarbrady: Jakov [ping. 9-0]\nMayor: Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! [raises his hand in victory]\nJakov: I do? [his kids rejoice]\nMayor: You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France!\nJakov: Hooray!\nMayor: All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport! [members of the studio audience start carrying out little jakovasaurs] Let's go, people! There's no time to lose! [two people carry Jakov out]\nScene Description: South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the plane as quickly as possible.\nJakov: [looking at Randy and Gerald] But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?\nRandy: Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.\nJakov: Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff from France!\nCrowd: Good-bye!\nJakov: [almost trips as he turns to enter the plane] Werrr. [the crowd laughs weakly]\nCartman: [arriving and running up the stairs] Jakov!\nJimbo: Close the door! [an attendant closes the door on Cartman's face]\nCartman: [pounding] Open this door!\nLiane: Eric, this is for the best.\nCartman: [facing the crowd angrily] I am Department of Interior guy, and I have authoritah! [the plane backs into the runway, then moves forward. Cartman rushes down the steps and runs alongside the plane] No! Jakov, don't go!\nJakov: [from his window] Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! [the plane takes off. Cartman can only watch as the plane disappears in the horizon]\nCartman: [resigned] Come... back. [the crowd begins to surround him.]\nLiane: [reaching out] Eric, it's important for you to understand-.\nCartman: Don't, mother! Just, don't.\nMayor: [on one knee] I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution.\nJimbo: The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.\nNed: [with a much better voice box] We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course. [silence]\nJimbo: Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!\nNed: I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.\nMayor: Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream!\nCrowd: Hooray!\nCartman: No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. [slowly walks away]\nKyle: Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something.\nStan: Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is.\nScene Description: The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in the background. An accordionist plays.\nWaiter: Bonjour.\nWoman: [blonde wearing stylish shades] Bonjour.\nWaiter: Café?\nWoman: Oui. [a bus pulls up and drops off passengers, then pulls away]\nJakov: [with his family] Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids! [crashes into a table and ends up in its umbrella on the ground] Woops! Aaaah! [The accordionist stops and everyone stares at Jakov. Then they start laughing]\nMan: [one of two in suits] C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO FUNNY!!) [chuckles]\nAccordionist: (I love its antics!!!)\nBlonde: Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry Lewis!!!) [the laughter continues]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Most of the third-grade boys are in a shop room.\nMr. Adler: This is shop class. My name is Mr. Adler. For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning how to make things. Now, does anybody know WHY you're in shop class? [Stan raises his hand] Yes?\nStan: Because we had to choose between this and home ec, and we didn't wanna be sissies?\nMr. Adler: Wrong! You are here because you are America's future! [stirring music plays] You may someday be doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. Most of you, however, will be pumping gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's why we have... [points to the words] shop class.\nCartman: Ooooohh.\nMr. Adler: Now, let me make one thing crystal clear: I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop class, you can lose a hand or an eye. I have a- [picks up a picture of a woman and begins to get lost looking at it] I have... uh, I have a...\nKyle: Mr. Adler?\nMr. Adler: [sets the picture down] Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?\nStan: [quickly points] Tweek is!\nTweek: Arrh! No, I'm not!\nKyle: Yeah, you are! You always get in trouble.\nTweek: Arrrrh!\nCartman: Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class.\nMr. Adler: That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?\nCraig: No.\nMr. Adler: Well, you'd better not be, because in shop class we- [Craig flips him off] Hey! Did you just flip me off?!\nCraig: No.\nMr. Adler: Yes, you did!\nCartman: Told ya!\nKyle: [hushed, to Stan] Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we should have taken home ec.\nStan: Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls.\nScene Description: The Home Economics room. All the girls are here.\nVoice: [female] Welcome to home ec. [the camera scans across the class] For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty. [Kenny appears]\nKenny: (Woohooo!) [Wendy raises her hand]\nWendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.\nWoman: That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. [now cautioning] But all of you pretty ones... won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have... home ec.\nKenny: (Woohooo!) [the girls on either side of him look at him]\nScene Description: The Shop room. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit before a power miter box. Cartman is feeding it wood.\nCartman: I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class? [cuts out two slabs]\nStan: I don't know. He's such a wuss.\nMr. Adler: [passing by] Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much!\nCartman: You know, you guys are totally wrong about Tweek. Craig is way worse than he is. [Craig leafs through some wood scraps, and Tweek approaches a belt sander on the floor]\nStan: No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.\nCartman: Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass.\nKyle: Do you wanna bet?\nCartman: Yeah, I'll bet.\nStan: How much?\nCartman: Five bucks.\nStan: You're on!\nTweek: [revs up a belt sander.] Arrh! [jumps. Stan and Kyle walk to him]\nStan: Hey Tweek.\nTweek: [jumps] Gaarhrhrh!\nStan: Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to fight.\nTweek: [drops the sander] He does?\nStan: Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, will you fight?\nTweek: Why?\nKyle: Dude, because! You have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him? [Craig is still leafing through the scraps]\nTweek: [jumps] Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.\nCartman: Craig, could I talk to you real quick? [Craig flips him off, and Cartman puts his palms up to calm him] Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig, I'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing but, well, I was just standing over by Tweek, and, he called you a big poop-eater.\nCraig: He did?\nCartman: Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that it makes your breath smell like poop, and that, eh, well, you like it.\nCraig: Why would he say that?\nCartman: I don't know, Craig, I don't know. But now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop-eater and he chooses you.\nCraig: [now pissed] Well, I've gotta go over there and-\nCartman: [blocks his way] No, no! Craig, you can't fight him here; Mr. Adler would just break it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him you accept his challenge, and set it up for after school today.\nCraig: Okay. [flips Tweek off]\nKyle: There. Did you see? He just flipped you off.\nTweek: [twitches to one side] Rrrr! What a jerk!\nStan: He's really got it out for you, dude.\nTweek: Why?! What did I do?!\nKyle: So, do you agree to fight him after school?\nTweek: I guess so.\nStan: Super. See you there. [they walk away, pleased]\nScene Description: Mr. Adler takes out the picture of his fiancée again and looks at it. He begins to daydream. Memories of his fiancée come to him, and her voice echoes every time reminisces.\nFiancée: [runs from him] Catch me, Richard. [she laughs even after he catches her and she's on the grass] I'm so in love with you, Richard. [next scene: she's in the kitchen holding a tray] I made you some cookies, Richard. [sniffs them real good. Next, she's by the fireplace with a little stocking] Merry Christmas, Richard. [laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [in flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under water] Richard!\nScene Description: The school bell rings, and Mr. Adler snaps out of the daydream.\nMr. Adler: Aaaarr! Uh. [opens a drawer to get some nicotine gum, and chews some] Oh why? Why? [closes his eyes and continues chewing]\nStan: Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!\nMr. Adler: [opens his eyes] Huh? Stop screwing around!\nStan: The bell rang. Can we go?\nMr. Adler: Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed.\nStan: Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Cartman follow him out.]\nScene Description: The school yard.\nStan: This is gonna be so sweet, dude.\nCartman: You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's gonna get his ass kicked.\nKyle: We'll see!\nCartman: Why don't we just raise our bet to ten dollars?!\nStan: You're on, fatass! [Kenny shows up]\nCartman: Well, well, well, look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Kenny!\nKenny: (Hey guys, what's going on with you?)\nStan: How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?\nKyle: Yeah. That's not cool, dude. [the girls walk by]\nBebe: Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.\nAnnie: Bye, Kenny.\nKenny: (Bye, ladies.) [the other boys arrive as the girls leave]\nClyde: Hey, what's going on?\nKyle: Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.\nClyde: Really? Cool. [the boys stand around waiting] It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago.\nKyle: What?\nToken: Yeah, they left.\nStan: Aw, hell!\nCartman: Those sons of bitches!\nClyde: I guess they don't wanna fight.\nKyle: Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet! [walks off with Stan, Cartman, and Kenny]\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle arrive at Tweek's house. Stan rings the bell.\nStan: Tweek?\nKyle: [looks up to the second floor] Tweek?\nTweek: [opens the center window] Arrh! What do you guys want?\nStan: How come you didn't show up for the fight, Tweek?!\nTweek: Craig and I have no reason to fight each other.\nKyle: Well, Craig showed up.\nTweek: He did?\nStan: Yeah. He was standing there waiting for you, and he was all like, \"Man, Tweek's a wuss,\" and we were all like, \"No he's not, Craig,\" and he was all like, \"Yeah he is, he isn't showing up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth!\"\nTweek: I don't have crooked teeth!\nKyle: And then Craig was all like, \"Tweek is scared o'me. He's a big chicken.\" And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken; [Stan watches as Kyle demonstrates] well, everybody in the world saw it!\nTweek: Everyone in the world?! Rrrr! [falls down behind the window]\nStan: Yeah, it was weak.\nTweek: I'm not a chicken!\nKyle: Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See ya. [turns to walk away]\nTweek: [pops up] Wait! I'll fight!\nStan: Tomorrow?\nTweek: Okay.\nScene Description: Cartman and Kenny arrive at Craig's house. Cartman knocks and Craig answers.\nCartman: Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!\nCraig: Red Racer's on.\nCartman: Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!\nCraig: I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!\nCartman: [aloof] Well, that's fine. I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.\nCraig: Nope. [shuts the door]\nCartman: [hushed] Egh. God damn it! [knocks again, and Craig answers] Well, I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your guinea pig.\nCraig: What?! What did he say about Stripe?!\nCartman: Oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed.\nCraig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!\nCartman: Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?\nCraig: After Red Racer.\nCartman: [being gracious] After Red Racer, of course.\nScene Description: The Tweek house, that night, dinner. The Tweaks are at table.\nRichard Tweak: How was school today, son?\nTweek: Errh!\nRichard Tweak: That's great.\nTweek: Dahad, if some kid in school wants to fight me, what should I do??\nRichard Tweak: Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met. [gets up and stands next to her. Peaceful music plays] You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother. She used to be very attractive.\nMrs. Tweak: It's true. I was. [Tweek bobs as he listens]\nRichard Tweak: Well, when I started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quib, who didn't take too kindly to me. He wanted your mother all to himself. And so, one day, he challenged me to a fight. [sits down, and both parent resume eating. Tweek waits for the rest of the story.]\nTweek: [after a long lull] Well?\nMrs. Tweak: Well what, honey?\nTweek: Nrr. What happened?\nRichard: Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away or something.\nMrs. Tweak: Yes, I think that's right.\nTweek: Rrrrr! You guys never help me! [the parents look at each other, and Tweek starts banging his head against the table] Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out! [the parents resume eating]\nScene Description: Craig's house, dinner time. Craig has a little sister.\nCraig: Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow.\nThomas Tucker: With who?\nCraig: Some kid.\nThomas: Oh.\nLaura Tucker: Don't just \"Oh\" him, Thomas!\nCraig: Yeah, don't just \"Oh\" me!\nThomas: I'll \"Oh\" whoever I want! [Mrs. Tucker flips Thomas off, he flips back, the daughter flips them both off, and Craig flips his dad off with the right hand, his sister off with the left, and his mom with the right, up close.]\nScene Description: Mr. Adler's home. He and a woman have just returned from a date.\nMr. Adler: Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later.\nPearl: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?\nMr. Adler: Why?\nPearl: Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.\nMr. Adler: Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven on.\nPearl: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?\nMr. Adler: I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]\nPearl: We'll use plastic wrap.\nMr. Adler: Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face. He holds the door in place, then makes his way to a picture of his deceased love, picks it up, and remembers...]\nFiancée: [on a swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher. I wanna touch the sky, Richard. [now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over] Smile. [now opens a little box and sees a ring] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do! [in flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under water] Richard! [now rising from an open coffin] Richard.\nMr. Adler: [returns] Haaarrr! [opens a small drawer in the side table, gets some nicotine gum, and starts chewing, then mumbles] Aw, God, what am I gonna do? [resumes chewing]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day, recess. From left to right on a table are seated Stan, Tweek, Kyle, Cartman, Craig, and Kenny. Much of the class is assembled before them. A large sign saying \"Tweek VS. Craig\" hangs above them from the ceiling.\nStan: Okay, so, just to set the record straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45.\nClyde: Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?\nCraig: I uh...\nCartman: [covers Craig's mouth] However long Craig wants it to last. [the kids laugh] T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig has been ready for this fight since day one. He doesn't even view it as a challenge.\nKyle: He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!\nCartman: Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like some diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth or something.\nKyle: Shut up, fatass!!\nCartman: Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! [jumps on him, and they start fighting. Kenny and Stan soon join in, leaving Tweek and Craig looking at them]\nClyde: Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh? This should be a good fight.\nScene Description: Home Economics, after recess.\nPearl: [stands by a chart equating shoes with money] On your first date, look at the man's shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes. [Kenny and the girls take notes. Pearl then stands by the chalkboard listing the number of credit cards from 1 to 4] When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, BEWARE. [crosses 1 out] It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card. If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy. [crosses 4 out] The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is... two. [circles it. Bebe raises her hand]\nBebe: What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting his degree?\nPearl: Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats. [the girls and Kenny just look at her]\nScene Description: Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Cartman stands on a stool operating a drill press as Stan and Kyle stand on the floor.\nCartman: When I have your guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world.\nKyle: That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass!\nCartman: Well, if I get ten buck from each of you, that's like $2000.\nMr. Adler: Hey, quit screwing around back there! You're horsing! [He now hears a voice calling to him, from the drawers in his desk...]\nFiancée: Ri-chard! [he whistles] Ri-chard! [he remembers mumbling something in return, and pulls out her picture. He dreams: she is back on the swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher![now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over. Cut to her opening a little box] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! [in the cockpit, she calls out] It's all for you! [an alarm sounds, and the gas tank explodes behind her] Aaaaaaa! [she tries to land the plane right, but it falls into a swimming pool. She's thrown clear, into the water] Richard!\nClyde: Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!\nMr. Adler: [returns] Huh? Uh, what?\nClyde: Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander [Tommy comes and stands beside Clyde. There are no features on his face.]\nMr. Adler: The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you not to screw around with the belt sander, didn't I? [Clyde looks at Tommy for a reaction, but...] Well go on. Go see the nurse; she'll give you some peroxide. [Tommy walks away in the wrong direction]\nClyde: [noticing the picture and points] What's that?\nMr. Adler: Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long time ago.\nClyde: What? She die or something?\nMr. Adler: What? Hey! Go on! [upset, he puts the picture away] You're screwing around in here! [Clyde hurries away]\nScene Description: After school. The kids climb over a hill to reach the tetherball pole. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek lead the way\nClyde: Oh boy! Here we go!\nWendy: [joins the group] What's happening?\nKyle: Tweek's gonna fight Craig!\nWendy: Oh cool!\nStan: Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed. [the two groups meet] All right. Here we go.\nKyle: Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy.\nCartman: You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.\nKyle: No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, tubby. [Craig and Tweek look at each other, but nothing happens]\nStan: Well?\nCartman: Come on!\nWendy: Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!\nCraig: [turns to the crowd] What do we do?\nStan: Huh?\nCartman: What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each other.\nTweek: How?\nKyle: How??\nCraig: I've never been in a fight before.\nTweek: Me neither.\nCrowd: [let down] Awwww.\nStan: [in disgust] Aw, dude, come on!!\nCartman: You just hit each other, smack each other around. [Tweek slaps Craig, and Craig slaps Tweek. No effect]\nKyle: [sighs] Not like that!\nTweek: Like what, then?\nStan: [approaches the fighters] All right, all right, screw it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight.\nCrowd: Awww. [disperses]\nClyde: [to Wendy] All that build-up for nothing.\nWendy: Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!\nStan: All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig.\nCartman: I don't think that's very fair: if I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek.\nStan: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!\nCartman: [faking fear] Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys! [serious] I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!\nStan: Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!\nCartman: Fine! [the parties part ways]\nKyle: Fine!\nCartman: Fine, that's fine!\nScene Description: Big's Gym, later. This is where Stan and Kyle took Jesus to learn to box. On this occasion, Stan and Kyle bring Tweek. Jimbo is the coach, Ned the sparring partner. All are in the ring\nJimbo: Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing.\nTweek: Rrrrh!\nJimbo: You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off.\nNed: Mmrr I can still kick ass.\nJimbo: Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport. There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most Man part of you.\nTweek: Hwaaah! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]\nJimbo: Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing. [rings the bell, and Ned sends Tweek to the ropes with one punch]\nTweek: Uugh!\nNed: Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch? [Tweek gets up]\nJimbo: Keep your guard up, Tweek! [Tweek does so. Ned punches him twice more, and Tweek falls]\nTweek: Ow!\nStan: Damn it!\nKyle: Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!\nJimbo: All right, looks like we'll have to apply the Oppenheimer technique with Tweek here. [Tweek gets up]\nNed: [prancing] Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?\nJimbo: Punch him in the balls, Tweek!! [Tweek lunges at Ned and lands the punch]\nNed: AAAAaaaarrgh.\nJimbo: Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down! [Tweek lands a barrage of punches, and Ned groans after each punch]\nNed: Ow.\nJimbo: Good! Now kick his balls! [Tweek does so several times, and Ned groans] There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.\nStan, Kyle: Hooray!\nTweek: Rrrr!\nJimbo: Now THAT'S BOXING!\nScene Description: The Nishimura School of Martial Arts\nMaster: Your friend hasa brought you to learn the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna discipline anda respect. [Craig flips him off] In sumo, your body must be rike a stone, and your mind rike a meatroaf.\nCraig: Meatloaf?\nMaster: The object is simpry to push opponent out of circle. Is opponent ready?\nCartman: I'm ready! [comes out, speaks softly] Hey, I like this hair thing. This is cool. [stops to pull some salt out of a kettle and pats his hands together]\nMaster: Let us begin. [Cartman plants his feet] Ready? And, th-ree.\nCartman: Respect my authoritah! [he and Craig engage in pushing each other]\nMaster: Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!\nCartman: [turns around to back Craig out of the ring] Dude. Come on, now. Come on.\nCraig: Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!\nMaster: Fight back! Resist the ass!\nCraig: How can I resist an ass so great?\nMaster: It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your mind.\nCraig: This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master. [Cartman bumps him off the ring, he hits a wall, and he's out]\nCartman: I win!\nMaster: There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider sumo as your profession.\nCartman: Hey, maybe. [plants his feet again]\nScene Description: Mr. Adler's house, night. He's asleep, and a bad dream begins\nMr. Adler: [twisting and turning] No. No. Make it stop.\nFiancée: [laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot! [in the cockpit during flight] Watch me, Richard! [waves to him as she writes \"I love U Richard.\" As she gets to the last letters, she loses control and the alarm comes on. Her gas tank explodes and she screams. She manages to write A's on her way down to a crash in the pool. She sinks and calls out] Richard!\nMr. Adler: Baaaaa! [looks around and then sobs] I never got to say good-bye. I never got to say good-bye! [reaches for some nicotine gum, only to find the box empty] Oh no! Oh NO! NOW what do I do?! [begins bawling]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Home Ec.\nPearl: Okay, that was very good, class. Now let's try this one together. [holds up a board saying] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?\nClass: [including Kenny] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?\nPearl: All right, now let's try this one together. [holds up a board saying] Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car...\nClass: [including Kenny] Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car...\nPearl: Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one. [holds up a board saying] I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.\nBebe: I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.\nPearl: Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you try? [holds up a board saying] I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed.\nKenny: (I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!)\nPearl: [looks at him in dismay] O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick?\nKenny: (Sure you can.) [gets up and goes to her desk]\nPearl: Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell you this, but... I'm not sure home economics is right for you.\nKenny: (Why?)\nPearl: Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average, and, frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very, well, good.\nKenny: (You don't?)\nPearl: No. I think you should consider transferring to shop class.\nKenny: (Shop class?) [images of threatening tools tools fill his head: a drill, a torch, a belt sander, a table saw] (No, I won't!)\nPearl: Now, now. Very few students are severely injured in a shop class.\nKenny: (I don't wanna take shop class!) [draws his hood tight, and the bell rings]\nBebe: Come on! It's time for the fight!\nWendy: Yeah! [the girls begin to file out of class]\nPearl: Fight? Oh no no, girls! Haven't I taught you anything?\nScene Description: The playground, after school. The kids head for the tetherball pole. The fighters are present: Tweek wearing a boxing robe with hood, Craig in sumo gear\nStan: Okay, the time has finally come. [the other kids close in]\nClyde: [holding a box of] Programs, get your programs here. Programs.\nKyle: Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low.\nTweek: Hrrr.\nKyle: This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek.\nTweek: Rrrr, mean, rrrr.\nCartman: The spirit of the dragon is in your hands. Hurshar kashurshar. Hurlong churshar. All right?\nCraig: Okay.\nCartman: Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar! All right?! And seriously: Hurlong kepur shung kwong!\nCraig: Okay, okay!\nScene Description: Tweek is ready first, then Craig gets ready\nTweek: Rrrr! [Craig adjusts his own head] Hr. [Craig flips him off]\nStan: You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's get in on!\nCraig: Respect my authority.\nScene Description: Tweek lands some punches and Craig tries to throw Tweek off sumo-style. They go back and forth this way for a while\nStan, Kyle: Come on, Tweek!\nCartman: Come on, Craig!\nScene Description: The shop room. Mr. Adler is alone and starts to write\nMr. Adler: To whom it may concern: I can no longer live without her. I couldn't say goodbye to her, and so now I must say goodbye to all of you, for I am all out of nicotine gum.Sincerely yours, Richard Adler Shop Class P.S. Don't screw around. You all screw around too much. [he leaves the desk and goes to the table saw, turns on the switch, lies on the table feet first, and is pulled towards the blade]\nMr. Adler: Good-bye, cruel world. [sits up] Jesus Christ! What was I thinking?! That would have hurt like hell! [lie back down, now head first]\nScene Description: the playground. Craig and Tweek tumble towards the school, neither giving in. The other kids follow them to a clearing outside a bungalow, where Craig and Tweek resume trading punches\nStan: Ye-hah!\nCartman: Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass! [the fighters, now tired and panting, butt heads]\nKyle: Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!\nCartman: Come on, Craig!\nStan: Come on, Tweek! You got him!\nKyle: Get him! [the fighters just pant, stuck to each other] Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?\nTweek: What?\nKyle: Craig just called you a boner!\nTweek: Rrrr! [punches Craig]\nKyle: [to Stan:] We'll just have to keep throwing jabs to win the fight.\nStan: Yeah.\nScene Description: Shop class. Mr. Adler draws closer to the saw blade and sighs. Kenny comes in and hands him Pearl's note.\nKenny: (Hi, Mr. Adler.)\nMr. Adler: What? Who are you? [takes the note and reads] \"Kenny McCormick has been transferred from home ec to shop class.\" Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted with the jigsaw over there. [hands him back the note and Kenny goes to the jigsaw] Hrh.\nScene Description: Outside the bungalow Craig and Tweek continue fighting. They lock up and tumble into the slide, tearing it down. They end up under the debris\nTweek: [gets up] Huh? [Craig pops up and tackles Tweek. The other kids, fearing the fight over, cheer again.]\nScene Description: Shop Class. Kenny starts cutting wood on the jigsaw, but looks at Mr. Adler going to his death. Craig and Tweek crash through the shop class window and continue fighting\nMr. Adler: [sits up] What the-? [the door opens and the other kids pour in]\nStan: Here they are.\nMr. Adler: [stands and walks towards the kids] Hey! What's going on?\nStan: Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're just watching. [trading punches]\nMr. Adler: Well, why the hell don't you stop them?\nCartman: 'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.\nMr. Adler: Don't screw aROUND![Craig and Tweek tumble towards Kenny]\nKenny: (Hey!) [They knock the stool out under him. He hangs on to the jigsaw table] (Hey!)\nMr. Adler: Stop screwin' aROUND!![Tweek slams Craig into a second jigsaw and both tumble into a tool cart, which falls onto the second jigsaw, which tumbles onto the one Kenny is on.]\nKenny: (Hey, God damn it!)\nMr. Adler: Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO MUCH!! [Kenny gets stuck in the blade and spins around. He's finally thrown clear and ends up in a box of old nails. Some nails fly out of the box.]\nKenny: (Ugh!)\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nMr. Adler: [goes to the box of nails and plucks Kenny out] Well, don't just stand there, call an ambulance! [the boys just shrug] You see? You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?\nKenny: (I understand, dude.)\nMr. Adler: What? What's that, son?\nFiancée: [through Kenny] Richard.\nMr. Adler: AAaaagh! [settles down] No! No, please don't go. I need you. I can't live without you. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Stan shrugs]\nFiancée: [visible now, where Kenny's face was] Richard, you have to move on. I want you to be happy.\nMr. Adler: But I can't. I never got a chance to say good-bye.\nFiancée: Then say it now, Richard.\nMr. Adler: Good-bye?\nFiancée: There. Now do you feel better?\nMr. Adler: No.\nFiancée: Of course you don't. Saying good-bye doesn't mean anything. It's the time that we spent together that really matters, not how we loved it.\nMr. Adler: You... you're right. You're right. [The fiancée leaves and an old woman takes her place. The background is blue.]\nWoman: Richard, this is Grandma.\nMr. Adler: Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!\nGram'ma: You never said good-bye to me either. [she leaves and a man enters]\nMan: Hey, Richard. Remember me?\nMr. Adler: Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!\nUncle Corey: [gleefully] No! We're dead! [leaves]\nFiancée: [returns] I love you, Richard. See you soon.\nMr. Adler: Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. I feel like now I can move on. Baby, I feel so much better. I feel so alive. [holds Kenny close] Thank you, baby. Thank you.\nStan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. The kids enter. Stan approaches a nurse\nStan: Hi. We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig.\nNurse: Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them up. [leads the way. The kids follow and are let in. Craig and Tweek are in adjacent beds recovering from their injuries.]\nStan: Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?\nTweek: Rrr!\nCraig: Ugh.\nStan: Well, uh. We just came by because we have something to tell you.\nKyle: Yeah. See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest. We made up all that stuff we said to get you guys mad at each other. [Craig flips them off]\nCartman: Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We deserve that. We just came by to apologize. We feel so bad.\nKyle: Boy, do we ever.\nStan: So I guess we'll be going now, and live with the knowledge that... you're both kind of sissies. [the group turns towards the door]\nTweek, Craig: What?!\nStan: [the group turns back to the beds] Well, I mean, that's what was on the news.\nCraig: What was on the news?\nCartman: Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wuss you are, Craig.\nCraig: Huh?\nKyle: Yeah. And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wuss, and then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.\nTweek: Uuh! You son of a bitch! [pounces on Craig, and the fighting starts again, leaving the room a mess]\nCraig: I'm gonna kick your ass!\nStan: Come on, Tweek! You got him!\nCartman: Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky! Hurlong churshar!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom. The kids chat away as Token enters\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children. Let's take our seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school.\nKyle: About what?\nMr. Garrison: Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means? [Cartman raises his hand] Yes, Eric?\nCartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.\nMr. Garrison: ...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda. [Peetie enters]\nPeetie: [song and dance] Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda Who explains sexual harassment to you and me? Sexual Harassment Panda \"Don't say that! Don't touch there! Don't be nasty!\" says the silly bear He's come to tell you what's right and wrong Sexual Harassment Panda Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]\nMr. Garrison: Say \"hi\" to Sexual Harassment Panda!\nClass: [hesitant] Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.\nClyde: Hababah...\nPeetie: [reaches behind the desk for a picture of two pandas in briefs] Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [drops his head to one side]\nKyle: [to Stan] This is freaking me out, dude.\nPeetie: [shows another picture of two pandas...] And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [puts the picture away and gets some literature] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.\nClass: Awgh..!\nScene Description: Five hours later...\nPeetie: \"...Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make...\"\nStan: Ohh, dude, get me out of here!\nCartman: I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.\nStan: You would think that, you little ass-sucker.\nCartman: What did you call me?\nStan: An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.\nCartman: [indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!\nPeetie: Uh-oh.\nStan: What?\nCartman: You have... sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here... that now I can sue you and take all of your money.\nPeetie: That's right, he can.\nStan: No you can't, you little ass-sucker!\nCartman: Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!\nPeetie: \"The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda.\"\nScene Description: South Park Courthouse, day. The Honorable Judge Julie presiding\nJudge Julie: This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No. 3433. What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?\nCartman: Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car. He should be here any second.\nKyle: [sitting by Stan] Dude! He got a lawyer?\nGerald: [entering] Sorry I'm late.\nKyle: Dad?!\nGerald: Oh! Hi, Kyle. [moves to Cartman's side]\nJudge Julie: All right. Let's move this along, shall we? Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you in school.\nCartman: Th... That is correct, my honor.\nStan: Hoh, whatever! [rests his head on his left hand]\nCartman: He talked about having oral sex with my ass.\nStan: I called you an ass-sucker!\nCartman: Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [sniffs, Gerald comforts him] I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes. [hides his face in Gerald's coat and begins sobbing]\nStan: What?! Cartman, you call people names all the time!\nGerald: As you can see, Your Honor, my client is too upset to continue.\nJudge Julie: Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?\nStan: Wwhat do you mean?\nJudge Julie: I need to hear your defense.\nStan: Uh... I'm eight?\nJudge Julie: All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut. Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment in Schools law, I am forced to find you guilty.\nStan: Huh?\nGerald: All right, we did it!\nCartman: Hooray!\nJudge Julie: Since the defendant is underage and has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.\nStan: I have to give him half my stuff?\nCartman: Sweet..!\nScene Description: Marsh residence. Cartman is present with Gerald and a collector in Stan's room\nCartman: Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy game [on the cabinet next to the door. The collector puts it into Cartman's box], and that Power Jim doll. [goes to Stan's toy box] And, let's see... [pulls out a Mega Truck] Do you really like this remote-controlled truck?\nStan: Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy.\nCartman: Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [tosses it into his box and reaches for a lizard] And what about this? Is this one of your favorites?\nStan: Uh, no! I hate that toy!\nCartman: Oh, then you won't mind if I take it! [tosses it into his box]\nStan: Damnit!\nCollector: [approaches Gerald with two toys] Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy football.\nGerald: Hm. [drops them and walks to Cartman] You know, Eric, I've been thinking, uh...\nCartman: Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go on.\nGerald: Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your harassment is the public schools. [Cartman looks through Stan's drawers] Perhaps we should sue them next.\nCartman: What? But uh, why should I sue the school?\nGerald: Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on. And, they have a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings.\nCartman: Interesting. [the collector picks up a can and presses a button on it] Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. I want that. [rushes to grab it]\nScene Description: Courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Immediate Party\nJudge Julie: Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?\nMr. Garrison: No, I had no freakin' idea!\nGerald: Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?\nMr. Garrison: Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do not tolerate sexual harassment!\nJudge Julie: You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.\nMr. Garrison: I'm sorry, toots.\nGerald: Did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an ass-sucker?\nMr. Garrison: Yes.\nGerald: And you did nothing.\nMr. Garrison: Well, he is a little ass-sucker. [the audience laughs]\nJudge Julie: [gaveling twice] Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!\nMr. Garrison: Okay, baby, I'm sorry.\nScene Description: Later that day. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Responsible Party\nGerald: Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, not any more than any other student.\nGerald: Oh! So you admit that harassment goes on!\nPrincipal Victoria: I don't know!\nGerald: You don't know?! You're the principal!\nPrincipal Victoria: I can't be around every second!\nGerald: [staring her down] So it DOES go on!!!\nPrincipal Victoria: All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [beaks down on the stand] OH GOD!!!\nGerald: Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?\nPrincipal Victoria: [composes herself] I believe so, yes. [the audience begins to murmur]\nMan: That's sexual harassment.\nScene Description: The courthouse, still later. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Expert Witness\nGerald: Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.\nPeetie: [song and dance as he goes to the stand] Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda\nGerald: Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?\nPeetie: Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.\nGerald: And who's to blame?\nPeetie: I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.\nGerald: There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!\nPeetie: Panda.\nGerald: Pan-Panda's mouth.\nScene Description: Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Verdict\nJudge Julie: After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million in damages.\nGerald: All right! We did it, Eric!\nCartman: [takes his jacket off and twirls it around] It's time to celebrate, yeahIt's time to celebrate, yeah\nScene Description: Broflovski residence. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house to it's right. The icicles are also bigger. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house\nGerald: That goes in the master bedroom. [Kyle walks up] Well, Kyle. What do you think of your new house?\nKyle: It's... big.\nGerald: Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very big.\nKyle: Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3 million, where does that money come from?\nGerald: Well Kyle, schools have lots of money. You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to public schools, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.\nKyle: [thinks a bit] And you don't see a problem with that?\nGerald: No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.\nKyle: You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?\nGerald: Sort of, yeah.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip, the poster, and the teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the chalkboard remains. Mr. Garrison enters\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions? [Stan raises his hand. The desks, pictures, and numbers are gone] Yes, Stan?\nStan: Where's our desks?\nMr. Garrison: Right, desks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.\nStan: [huffs] You see, Cartman? You see what this has done?\nCartman: All I know is, I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass!\nClyde: Wow! I wanna sue somebody! [smiles at Bebe]\nBebe: Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.\nClass: Yeah!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nMr. Garrison: Well, let's just try to cope with the changes and do our schoolwork. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun. [starts writing, with a nail. The sound just grates to the ear]\nClass: [wincing] AAGGGHHH!!\nMr. Garrison: [turns to face the class] I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore. I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in the sentence, \"The ball is red...\" [loud scratching]\nClass: [wincing] AAGGGGHHH!!\nScene Description: The offices of Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial\nGerald: [turns around] Kids! Are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you [slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment in schools!\nBebe: [outside] After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you, Kyle's dad! [rings her bell and rides away]\nClyde: [on a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls! [four of them come to cater to him]\nGerald: So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... wait, what am I saying? Call me! [jumps for joy. This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]\nSingers: 'Kids picking on you? Well, don't be sad Just sue their asses with Kyle's dad [\"Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM\"]\nScene Description: South Park School Board meeting at South Park Elementary\nChairman: All right, what other cuts do we have to make to the school budget?\nWoman: Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools.\nChairman: Oh, right. We certainly can't afford him anymore.\nWoman: I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously.\nPeetie: [enters] Hello, sexual harassment cubs. Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda\nMr. Evans: Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.\nPeetie: Who?\nMr. Evans: Uh... S-Sexual Harassment Panda.\nPeetie: Oh, all right. [sits]\nMr. Evans: Uh-M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking, and, we've decided that perhaps a \"panda\" isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children. [Peetie's head tilts]\nWoman: You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with... sexual harassment. [long pause] At all.\nMr. Evans: ...I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.\nPeetie: [rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.\nScene Description: The courthouse, day. The dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman\nJudge Julie: Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed Pip Philip at school.\nCartman: No way!\nPip: I won!\nCartman: This is ridiculous!\nJudge Julie: You asked Pip to suck your... you know what. You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6 million.\nPrincipal Victoria: [Mr. Mackey sits with her] Oh, dear God!\nGerald: Wow, I'm good!\nJudge Julie: Next!\nScene Description: Craig vs. Wendy. They go to their respective podiums. The boys have left\nCraig: This girl touched my thigh.\nJudge Julie: Half her belongings, school is sued for 2.1 million.\nPrincipal Victoria: We're ruined!\nJudge Julie: Next!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go to their respective podiums.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, Your Honor, this young man commented on the shape of my ass.\nTweek: [hops] Guh!\nJudge Julie: Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh..! [faints right off the chair]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, class time, barren classroom\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's all take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [gets out the rusty nail, but turns to see the class with Mr. Broflovski in the back] Oohh-kay. Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?\nClyde: Um...\nGerald: [admonishing] Don't answer that!\nMr. Garrison: Uh, Craig, how about you?\nCraig: Um... [Gerald whispers in his ear] Okay. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me.\nGerald: [whispers] Incriminate.\nCraig: Incriminate.\nMr. Garrison: [angrily] Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers. It is really disrupting class time! [Gerald approaches and whispers in his ear] Uh huh. Ri-oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Gerald leaves] Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum...\nScene Description: Cafeteria. The boys are in line. At least the tables are still there\nKevin: [to Red] Let's trade sandwiches.\nScene Description: The kitchen. The poster and menu board are missing, but the counter is there\nChef: Hello there, children!\nBoys: Hey, Chef.\nChef: How's it going?\nStan: Bad.\nChef: Well, they're about to get worse. All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.\nCartman: Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!\nChef: Sorry, children. All my funding's been cut.\nCartman: Oh my God! You guys have to do something!\nStan: Chef, how can we stop all these sexual assment lawsuits?\nChef: I don't know, children. [to Kyle] Why don't you ask your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?\nKyle: I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop. He's making too much money.\nChef: Well, somebody else has got to know all about this sexual harassment whosafudge.\nKyle: Hey, what about that stupid panda?\nStan: Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's the one that started all this. We have to find him!\nChef: Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out.\nCartman: Noooo! [runs out]\nScene Description: South Park School Board meeting\nMr. Evans: That's thirty-two more lawsuits in the past twenty-four hours.\nWoman: Oh my God!\nMr. Evans: Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling and nutrition programs.\nWoman: The children have started suing adults. They could sue us next.\nMr. Evans: Holy smokes, you're right!\nStan: [enter with Kyle, Cartman, Kenny] 'Scuse me. We'd like to speak with Sexual Harassment Panda, please.\nMr. Evans: Ugh! [he and the other members hide behind their chairs] P-please! Don't sue us.\nKyle: [confused] Huh?\nMan: We'll give you anything you want.\nStan: We want Sexual Harassment Panda.\nMr. Evans: Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go.\nCartman: What?!\nMr. Evans: [ducks and rises again] D'uh. I mean, he left.\nStan: Well, where is he?!\nWoman: We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! Please!! Let us go!\nStan: What the hell is wrong with these people?!\nScene Description: The Company\nCompany rep: Well. Uh, your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our company at this time.\nPeetie: It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?\nCompany rep: Well, i-it is because you're a panda. Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment panda.\nPeetie: I can't help what I am.\nCompany rep: Now, have you ever heard of a retreat called \"The Island of Misfit Mascots\"?\nPeetie: Well, yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense.\nCompany rep: Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what you're looking for.\nPeetie: I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!\nScene Description: Special Report: Sexual Harassment\nReporter: As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Gerald Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and... [a note is handed to him] This just in! Newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait...\nScene Description: South Park Bar. Cool Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Peetie sits at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him.\nJukebox: Some days just seem lonely Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...\nBarkeep: Another scotch? [Peetie nods affirmatively, and the barkeep serves up another scotch. Peetie sips]\nJukebox: So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...\nStanding Patron: Hey! Panda bear! [Peetie lowers his drink to look at him] We don't take kindly to your types in here.\nBarkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.\nSkeeter: No! [approaches Peetie] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?! [Peetie has no answer]\nBarkeep: Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.\nPeetie: It's okay. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [rises and goes out the door. Skeeter watches him go]\nBarkeep: Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?\nScene Description: Broflovski residence. Now it has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house next to it. And the icicles are bigger, too. More furniture arrives\nGerald: [Kyle arrives] Well? What do you think, Kyle?\nKyle: Dad? Don't you think our last new house is big enough?\nGerald: Well, this one is bigger!\nKyle: Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, is gonna make things a lot worse! We have to stop it!\nGerald: [kneels] Kyle, let me explain something to you.\nKyle: [annoyed, looks askance] Hoh God, here we go.\nGerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace.\nKyle: Isn't that fascism?\nGerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?\nKyle: Do you?\nGerald: [rises] Just look at how big this house is, Kyle. Just look at it.\nScene Description: South Park Bar. Stan, Cartman and Kenny enter. The three patrons are still there\nStan: [enters] 'Scuse me.\nBarkeep: Yeah? What can I do for you?\nStan: Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.\nBarkeep: Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm...\nSkeeter: Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly to your types in here.\nBarkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.\nSkeeter: No! [approaches Stan] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Eight Years Old here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?!\nStan: ...Coats?\nBarkeep: Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.\nPatron with hat: [pointing at Stan] We don't take kindly to your types around here!\nStan: Dude, what the hell is going in?!\nCartman: Did you guys see a big panda bear in here, or not?\nSkeeter: [pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to panda bears!\nStan: Well, we don't take kindly to you!\nPatron with hat: [pointing at Stan] Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here. [they look anew at each other, and nothing more is said among them]\nBarkeep: Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots.\nCartman: Where's that?\nBarkeep: If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place.\nStan: Come on, we'd better hurry. [the boys make their way past the men and leave]\nSkeeter: Whoa! Lookie her! [a blonde sits alone at the bar] Hey! Beautiful woman! [she sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't take kindly to your types around here!\nBarkeep: Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.\nScene Description: Courthouse, next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience\nJudge Julie: This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [gavels, and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski.\nGerald: Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated.\nScene Description: The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The boys reach the front gate\nStan: [reads] \"Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune\". This must be the place. [they enter]\nWorm: Hello there, boys.\nStan: Whoa! Who are you?\nWorm: I'm Willy, the \"Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun\" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?\nBoys: Yes.\nWilly: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]\nStan: ...Thanks a lot, dude.\nPig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the \"Run Around With Scissors\" Pig.\nCartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.\nWilly: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]\nStan: Have you seen any panda bears?\nWilly: Hm...\nFalcon: [shows up behind the boys] Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the \"Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby\" Falcon!\nKyle: What??\nJimmy: Here, watch. [hands a large magnet to Kenny, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Kenny]\nKenny: (You guys, come get this fucking magnet noooowwww!) [the magnet pulls him into the blades, and he's chopped up into bits] (Argh-!)\nJimmy: See?\nStan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards! [looks further on] Hey! There he is! [Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and an octopus dance to his song]\nPeetie: Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda [the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]\nStan: Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park, quick!\nPeetie: Why?\nKyle: Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!\nPeetie: Seems all I do now is cause trouble.\nBadger: Hello, kidsh, I'm Hoppy, the \"Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear\" Badger. [a long silence follows as the boys look at Hoppy] Well, I'll leave now.\nStan: Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.\nPeetie: But, I'm just a panda.\nKyle: No you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume! [All mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this outburst]\nWilly: [rushes over to Peetie and the boys] Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!\nKyle: Okay, sorry, sorry.\nCartman: You're-you're a worm. That's that's cool, that's cool.\nStan: [to Peetie] Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again.\nPeetie: What message?\nKyle: That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.\nPeetie: ...You know? You little cubs might just be right.\nWilly: Yeah!\nPeetie: [jumps up and stands] Okay!\nScene Description: Courthouse. Closing arguments begin.\nGerald: Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.\nKyle: [bursting in] Wait! [Stan, Cartman, and Peetie follow]\nMr. Garrison: Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.\nStan: [faces the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.\nPeetie: Hello, everyone. I'm Peetie, the \"Don't Sue People\" Panda.\nJimbo: \"Don't Sue People\" Panda? [the bar patrons are present]\nSkeeter: [stands up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!\nBarkeep: Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.\nPeetie: Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you. [The courtroom is silent, listening] There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [reactions are seen in the faces of various people in the courtroom, even in Gerald's face.]\nBearded man: I'm a sad panda, too.\nMan 1: I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [people get angry at Gerald]\nMan 2: [rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!\nAll: [rising] Yeah!\nGerald: [approaches Peetie and the boys] No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. Uhwell, I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!\nPeetie: \"Don't Sue People\" Panda.\nGerald: Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's... not... sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys. Let's go get some ice cream!\nPeetie/Boys: Hooray!\nPeetie: Pandas love ice cream. [Gerald, Peetie, and the boys leave the courtroom]\nJudge Julie: Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out. Case dismissed! [gavels and leaves the bench]\nSkeeter: [people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!\nBarkeep: [passing by] God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell up.\nScene Description: Public Service Announcement\nPeetie: Hello, cubs. I'm \"Don't Sue People\" Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Good-bye now. [walks off]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman's room. Cartman plays off-camera while his plush lizard, Rumpertumskin, sits on the bed. Cartman does all the voices...\nRumpertumskin: [as Loveless] Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President and Salma Hayek!\nPolly: [as Salma Hayek, tied to a cross standing in for railroad tracks] Oh, save me! Who will save me?\nCartman: [in cowboy gear, and six-shooter] I will! James West, cowboy and rap star! [whips out Clyde from behind his back] Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've got to save Salma Hayek!\nClyde Frog: [as Artemus] If we save her, I am going to take off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!\nCartman: Are you okay, Salma Hayek?\nPolly: Yes, but I need to get out of here and eat some tacos and burritos. Me gusta tacos mucho!\nRumpertumskin: You cannot stop me, James West!\nCartman: Look out, Artemus Clyde Frog! It's a giant metal spider! [tosses Clyde aside, aims at a plush spider hanging on the edge of his toy box and fires] Bang! Bangbang! [strafes and performs a cartwheel] Yoyoyo, jiggity jiggy with it! Bang bang bang! [tosses a baseball at the spider and knocks it out of the box] We saved the day! The Wild Wild West, The Wild Wild Wild West. Uhyo wicky wicky scratch, Uh wicky wicky scratch... [the door opens]\nLiane: [nicely dressed, looks in] Eric. [he turns around and drops his shades and the gun] The babysitter's here. Come on downstairs.\nCartman: [begging] But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild West.\nLiane: I have to leave soon, Eric.\nCartman: But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still have to do our love scene with Salma Ha-yek.\nLiane: Come down as soon as you're done. [exits and closes the door]\nCartman: [begins to rap] Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's Age wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh Cowboy from the Westside-\nScene Description: The kitchen. Liane fixes herself as Shelly looks on\nLiane: Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelly.\nShelly: Okay.\nLiane: All those other babysitters won't come back.\nShelly: I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps every hour after that up to six hours, which enters into golden time.\nLiane: Oh, that sounds fine. I'm going to a meteor shower party. The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's nookie time is 9 o'clock sharp. If his little woogums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here. And if he gets cranky, just play tummy-rub-rubs with him, and make sure he wipes good after he makes bears.\nShelly: Bears?\nLiane: Oh! And don't mind the cat. She's just being loud because she's in heat.\nScene Description: The living room. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV now, and Kitty is near him\nKitty: Meowrowr!\nCartman: No, Kitty! I don't have anything!\nKitty: [starts rubbing her ass against the sofa] Meow rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!\nCartman: What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop it, Kitty!\nKitty: [looks at him with her ass up in the air] Rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!\nCartman: No Kitty, that a bad God-damned kitty! [Kitty runs away]\nLiane: [enters with Shelly] Okay, muffin. Mommy's leaving now. You do what the babysitter tells you, okay?\nCartman: [absently] Uh-huh.\nLiane: Be good.\nCartman: [huffs] Right.\nLiane: Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses! [kneels next to Cartman]\nCartman: Aw, Ma.\nLiane: Eskimo kisses for Mom-my!\nCartman: [mad] Jesus Christ. [drops to the floor, and they rub noses]\nLiane: Bye, kids. [gets up and leaves the house]\nCartman: [now approaches Shelly] Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch! I'm hungry! [she punches him into the wall, which leaves an impact site with paint fallen off] Ow!\nShelly: Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up stupid turd! Got it?!\nCartman: You can't hit me! Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV? [she punches him, sending him into the wall again]\nShelly: My boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you make us that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd-stick you are!\nCartman: You're not allowed to have people over!\nShelly: [takes the remote] Move! [points towards the kitchen, and Cartman eventually rises and goes there]\nScene Description: The kitchen. Cartman walks to the refrigerator\nCartman: This is bullcrap! [strains to open the freezer, but fails] I can't reach the freezer!\nShelly: [from the living room] Figure it out, turd!\nCartman: [huffs] God dammit! [goes for a chair and props it up in front of the refrigerator. As he hops onto the chair, Kitty walks in still pining] Shut up, Kitty! [turns and sees the note on the freezer door, then grabs it and reads it] Any problems, contact Eric's Mommy at 303... Aha! [hops off the chair, moves it back to the table, and sits on it. He grabs a telephone] I'm gonna call mom and tell her that the babysitter is having her boyfriend come over! Then we'll see who's the turd! [he picks up the receiver, only to find a familiar voice on the line]\nShelly: ...So I said, \"you're a little turd!\" and he w-\nCartman: [hangs up] Dammit! [waits for a moment, then picks up the receiver again. Kitty now pines on the stove]\nShelly: ...But when you've seen one turd, you've seen them all. [hangs up, waits, then picks up again] ...stupid turd! The one night-\nCartman: Ey! I need to use the phone!\nShelly: Oh. Hold on a second, Carrie. [enters the kitchen and pulls Cartman's underwear over his back and head, blinding him]\nCartman: Ey! Aaah! Uh-ow! Ah! [she leaves and he picks up the receiver again]\nShelly: I placed his underwear over his head.\nCartman: [hangs up and puts his underwear back in place. Kitty resumes meowing] I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!! [her meows are persistent] SHUT THE HELL UP, KITTY!! [Kitty screeches and dashes out of the kitchen]\nScene Description: The living room. Cartman watches TV\nAnnouncer: And now, back to the movie of the week, Aliens.\nNewt: [to Ripley] They mostly come at night, mostly.\nCartman: [echoing Newt] They mostly come at night, mostly. [Shelly comes in and tosses Cartman off the sofa, then changes the channel to Friends. Cartman returns to the sofa] Ey, I was watching Aliens on TV!\nShelly: Well, I'm watching Friends, turd! [the doorbell rings] That's my boyfriend. Go answer the door while I make sure I don't have food in my braces. [Cartman answers the door and looks at a young man in baseball cap and leather jacket]\nDude: Hey there, is Shelly around?\nCartman: Who the hell are you?\nDude: I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't tell me where Shelly is!\nShelly: [appears at the door] Hey, Skyler.\nCartman: You know this guy?\nShelly: He's my boyfriend! [Cartman studies him]\nCartman: Christ, he's like 50 years old!\nShelly: He's 22! [Cartman studies him some more]\nCartman: Dude, that's not cool.\nShelly: You're a turd! You're the Turdman of Alcatraz!\nSkyler: Ye Yeah-ha.\nCartman: Dude, when my mom finds out that my babysitters have their boyfriends over, she mostly gets really mad, mostly. [Skyler enters and pulls Cartman's underwear over Cartman's head. Shelly grins and Skyler drops him.] Yaaah. Eeyy! Ey, God dammit!\nShelly: Turd wedgie. Come in the kitchen, Skyler. There's refreshments [giggles and takes his hand. They walk to the kitchen. As they pass the sofa, Kitty is looking at TV]\nAnnouncer: And now, back to Wild Animal World\nHost: [a lion follows a lioness around] Here in the more arid regions of Africa, the gold-coat lions are in the throes of mating season. [Kitty watches intently as the lion overtakes the lioness. The lioness lays down] The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large swollen balls. [Kitty meows loudly with excitement as the lion does his stuff] The female lion relaxes her body and says \"hello\" to Mr. Winky. [Kitty continues meowing. The lioness rolls over on her back] The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm backside. [The lion moves away] Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished. Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right in. Looks like the male lion... is screwed. [lion and lioness relax as the sun sets. Kitty is almost beside herself, rubbing her ass against the rug]\nScene Description: The kitchen. Cartman cooked the pizza after all. Shelly and Skyler finish it\nSkyler: Mmmmm. [tries to kiss her]\nShelly: No, Skyler. Quit it.\nSkyler: Come on, babe. How long have we known each other?\nShelly: Eight days tomorrow.\nSkyler: And I still don't get any action.\nShelly: I don't know, Skyler. It's just kind of strange to me that you're 22 and all.\nSkyler: But I'm still in high school. I told you: I'm a very immature 22-year old.\nShelly: Well, maybe just one kiss.\nSkyler: Mmmmm [kisses her on the lips, but Cartman intrudes]\nCartman: Hey, what are you doing? [Skyler pulls back quick]\nSkyler: Beat it, chubby!\nShelly: Go on, Astroturd!\nSkyler: Mmmmm [a tongue-kiss]\nCartman: I'm gonna tell my mom on you.\nShelly: Turd Rock From the Sun!\nCartman: Ey! You ate all the pizza!\nShelly: We left you some crusts! [tosses some to him]\nCartman: That does it! I'm calling my mom right now, and bustin' your ass! [she snatches the note from him and sends him into the wall with one jab]\nShelly: Guess again, Richard the Turd!\nCartman: Give me that phone number!\nSkyler: Come on, babe. Let's go to the living room. [they leave]\nCartman: [rises] I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick! [thinks for a moment] Maybe I'll just use my Wild Wild West techniques and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over.\nKitty: [walks in] Meow.\nCartman: God dammit, Kitty, you have to calm down! Here, I'll get you some catnip. [goes to the sink, opens the doors, and starts looking]\nKitty: Meow.\nCartman: Okay, okay, hold on, I'm finding the catnip. [pulls out a box of Playful Pussy Catnip and pours some onto the floor in front of Kitty]\nKitty: Meowrowrowrowrowrowrowrowr. [still longing for consummation, she jumps all over the kitchen knocking things over]\nScene Description: The living room. Skyler strums on the guitar as Shelly listens\nSkyler: Red Rocket spills my icy soul. Demons from Hell seek the chosen one!\nShelly: You're such an amazing poet, Skyler.\nSkyler: [putting the guitar aside] Isn't this guitar awesome? It's the best of its kind, and not a scratch on it. [reaches over to kiss Shelly]\nShelly: [holding him off] Skyler, not here.\nSkyler: I can't help it. I see your pretty lips and I want to kiss them. [draws her close]\nShelly: [giggles] Really?\nSkyler: I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish my guitar.\nShelly: Wow!\nSkyler: When I make it to the big time, I'm gonna take you shopping, and buy you lots of badass stuff.\nShelly: O Skyler, I love you. [their lips lock]\nSkyler: Mmmmm. [A flash bulb goes off and Shelly stands up on the sofa]\nShelly: What the-?\nCartman: [with Polaroid camera in hand and a fresh picture] Aha, charade you are! Looks like you're the turd now!\nShelly: [lunges after Cartman] Give me that picture!\nCartman: Aaaaa! [runs away, and she gives chase. He runs up the stairs, but she catches up and grabs him by the foot halfway up the stairs. He kicks her off, then hurries to his room, closing the door on her as she reaches him] Yes!\nShelly: Open this door, Turdledove!\nCartman: I think not! I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!\nShelly: Your mom doesn't get home for three more hours! That's plenty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you. [Cartman is shocked at the possibility]\nScene Description: later that night\nShelly: [banging on Cartman's door] Give me that picture, turd!\nCartman: You're never gonna get this picture! Not until my mom comes home and I can prove you had a boyfriend over heuh!\nShelly: [in the hallway] I'm gonna bust this door down! [starts banging on the door again. Kitty is meowing]\nCartman: [sees his toy frog on the bed and walks over] What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog? [dons his cowboy hat]\nClyde: [with his Wild Wild West shades on] We've got to get that picture to your mom so that she will come home and save us.\nCartman: Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde Frog. [doffs his hat and sees Kitty on his dresser rubbing her ass on the wall. He walks over] Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty. I am putting this picture of the babysitter and her boyfriend on your collar. [the banging subsides] You have to take this picture to Mommy, Kitty, so that she can come home and save me. [walks to the window and sets Kitty on the sill] Now run, Kitty. Take this picture to Mommy, and lead her back here. When you return, be sure to bring Mom in through the back door. Hurry, Kitty! You're my only hope! [Kitty jumps from the window to the garage roof, then from the roof to the trashcan, then to the ground] That's it! That's it, Mr. Kitty! [Kitty ends up at the front door]\nKitty: Meow. Meow. [the door opens and Shelly takes her in]\nCartman: Oh! God dammit!\nScene Description: The living room. Shelly takes the picture and the door bell rings\nShelly: Who is that?!\nSkyler: Oh, I invited the guys in the band over, so that we can practice. [moves to answer the door]\nShelly: Skyler, your band can't practice here.\nSkyler: Hey, do you want me to make it or not?! Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe! [opens the door and the bandmates come in] 'Sup Mark? [carrying drums] 'Sup up. Jonesy? [carrying other drums]\nShelly: Just keep the volume down! I have to go deal with Turdboy. [walks away]\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Shelly knocks on the door\nCartman: Hey! Who was that?! Who came to the door?!\nShelly: [faking concern] Hey Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!\nCartman: [wary] You just want me to open the door!\nShelly: We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body! We'll be right back.\nCartman: What?? Ih- is she okay?\nShelly: Not really. She's dead.\nCartman: Huh?! [quickly opens the door]\nShelly: [enters] Haha! That was a turd trick. Your mom isn't really dead!\nCartman: Aha! I knew it was a turd trick, and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty is on his way right now to my mom's party with the picture!\nShelly: HAha! I knew you sent the cat, and that's why I went outside and got him!\nCartman: Haaha! I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote a letter to the press! To be opened in the case of my demise! Should anything happen to me, that letter will go out, and you will never find it!\nShelly: [walks to a dresser] You mean this one? [hold out the letter she finds]\nCartman: O-kay! Let's see heuh. Haha! Um... Aw, dammit! [he turns away defeated, and she gives him another wedgie over the head] AAAAH! [she pulls him downstairs by his underpants and enters the living room. Cartman groans at every step he hits]\nScene Description: living room. Shelly drags Cartman past the band and hurls him onto the coatrack\nSkyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly. [points at her and winks. She sits on the sofa, happy] 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelly, Shelly. [she dances in place on the sofa]\nCartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.\nSkyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelly, Shelly.\nCartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!\nSkyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelly Shelly\nScene Description: Outside. Kitty is at Cartman's window once again. The band is heard in the background\nKitty: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.\nA cat: [from a red house nearby] Meow. [Kitty looks to see where the meow coming from] Meow.\nKitty: [urgently] Meow?\nA cat: Meow. [Kitty looks to make sure there's no one around, then jumps onto a car parked on the driveway and runs away. A red van is parked on the street]\nScene Description: Living room. Skyler's band continues playing\nSkyler: Bridge! I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Shelly Shelly!\nCartman: [rocks back and forth on his hook, hands to ears] Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!\nSkyler: Ey, shut up, tubby!\nCartman: Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are not supposed to be in heuh! [Shelly walks to the coatrack] You get out now and respect my authoritah! [she pulls Cartman down a bit so the coatrack can act like a slingshot. She lets go and Cartman hits the ceiling] Ow! [lands on his feet as Shelly turns to walk away. She stops to watch the band and he picks her pocket to get his mom's note.]\nScene Description: Night. Kitty wanders the streets of South Park\nKitty: Meow?\nA cat: Meow.\nKitty: Meow?\nA cat: Meow. [Kitty is near the source, but keeps looking]\nKitty: Meow? [enters a small passageway between two buildings]\nA cat: Meow.\nKitty: Meow?\nA cat: Meow. Meow. Meow. [an obese orange cat on his back rolls over and inches over to Kitty. Kitty looks at the camera]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, living room. The band finishes up\nSkyler: Yah, dude, that was hot. This guitar rocks, man! It rocks! What do you think, Shelly?\nShelly: Honestly? I think you guys need some work.\nMark: Oh, really?!\nShelly: I just think your sound is kind of... last week.\nJonesy: Oh, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!\nShelly: Well, I do have a song I wrote.\nSkyler: O-kay, why don't you sing it for us?\nShelly: Nnno, Skyler, I'm embarrassed!\nSkyler: Hey man, don't be shy.\nShelly: Uhwwell, okay. [hops off the sofa] I'll try. But I'm not promising anything. [Skyler moves to the keyboard as Shelly hands out her music and takes the mic] 1, 2, 3, 4 So much pain in the world today. Too many turds are headin' my way. But we can flush our turds together. Passing by turds whenever.\nSkyler: Don't you know? Isn't...\nShelly: Life so full of happiness? Feel free to mark my words. But me and you, will my love do in a world that's full of turds? TURDS! llama judgin finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!\nScene Description: Cartman's room. He's taken the phone upstairs with him, extension and all, and he's called Liane\nCartman: Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend over!\nLiane: No no no, that's impossible, hon. I told her: no visitors.\nCartman: Well, there's a whole crappy band here! [\"TURDS! Llama judgin' finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!\"] Can you hear them? Here. Can you hear them? [directs the receiver towards the music]\nLiane: This party is very loud, boopy-kins. You'll have to speak up.\nCartman: [\"TURDS! Llama judgin' finger-lovin'...\"] Dammit! Her boyfriend's here! Don't you believe me?!\nLiane: Not really, hon. [Mr. Mackey appears behind her] Mom has to go now! I'll be home in about an hour! [Cartman just looks at the receiver] Oh! Oh, Mr. Mackey!\nMr. Mackey: Mhm, mkay? [upset, Cartman hangs up]\nCartman: I'll never be able to prove that son of a bitch was here! [looks at his Mr. Microphone-type radio] My Speak and Record bear. Of course.\nScene Description: Downstairs, Shelly continues her song\nShelly: In a world that's full of turds. TURDS!\nMark: [tiring of the song] Dude, this is gay!\nSkyler: Shut up! [Shelly stares at Mark]\nMark: You shut up! Your girlfriend is not joining our band!\nJonesy: Yeah, dude. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? She's like, 12.\nSkyler: You guys, get out! Don't question my love! My love is as pure as morning snow! Get out, I said! [his mates take their instruments and leave]\nScene Description: The passageway. Kitty and the fat orange cat face each other\nKitty: Rowr! [quickly shows her ass to the orange cat, waiting for his move. The orange cat pounces on her and smothers her] (Rowrowrowrowr!) [she squeezes her way out from under him]\nOrange cat: Rowr!\nKitty: Rowr. [this time, she rolls on her back. He jumps on her and smothers her again] Hrowr!\nOrange cat: Geuugh. [Kitty makes her way out again]\nKitty: [angrily] Meowr! [the obese cat simply collapses and sleeps] Meowuh! [seeing that the cat won't move, she leaves] Oh meah!\nScene Description: Cartman's room. He begins recording\nCartman: [softly] Testing, testing, 1 2. [stops and rewinds, then plays the tape. The recording worked] Sweet. [Shelly enters and Cartman hides his radio]\nShelly: We're going outside to watch a meteor shower! I'm locking you in your room 'til we get back in, turd!\nCartman: Okay. See you in a while.\nShelly: Wha-?\nCartman: Will you tell me what they look like? The meteor shower. They mostly come every few years, mostly.\nShelly: What the hell is wrong with you?! How come you're not yelling and whining?!\nCartman: Well, I just, I kind of like having you around.\nShelly: What?! No you don't!\nCartman: No. Um seriously. See, I never had a brother or a sister. I think people that have a brother or a sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but you know there's always somebody there, somebody that's family. [Shelly's face softens] I wonder if, well, maybe sometimes, I could pretend like you're my big sister. And you could kind of, watch over me. You know, like, we could watch a meteor shower together sometime. Heh, and I could pretend I'm somebody's brother, if only for a day.\nShelly: ...Oh, all right, get your turd coat. You can come see the meteor shower with us.\nCartman: Yuh, you mean it?\nShelly: But don't bug me and Skyler! Come on!\nCartman: Hooray! [Shelly exits, Cartman speaks softly] Yes. I'm gonna have your and your boyfriend's voices on my Speak and Record bear, and then you'll mostly never babysit me again! Mostly.\nScene Description: The Cartman backyard. Skyler and Shelly sit on a bench, Cartman stands off to the side in front of them\nCartman: [recording] Yes, yes, what a beautiful night! It is Saturday the 12th at 10:45, and my mother is away at a party right now.\nShelly: Shut up, turd!\nCartman: That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter, Shelly Marsh, who is twelve.\nShelly: What are you doing?\nCartman: I'm just thinking out loud. [walks over to the bench and sits with his back to Skyler] Do you have anything to say, Skyler, Shelly's boyfriend who is sitting right heuh?\nShelly: Go away, turd!\nCartman: I'm sorry. Did you say something, Skyler? [Skyler simply bumps him off the bench] Agh!\nScene Description: South Park. Kitty walks around looking for some action\nKitty: Meow [a bunch of other cats answer her call. They are all sitting by some steps. She walks over, sticks her ass in the air, and the other cats jump her]\nScene Description: The Cartman backyard. Meteors flash across the sky. Skyler tries to kiss Shelly. Cartman stands close to the house with his Speak and Record bear in full view\nSkyler: Yeah! Come on! Give it up!\nShelly: No.\nSkyler: Give it up, babe!\nShelly: NO!\nSkyler: Come on, babih!\nShelly: [pushes him off] No, Skyler, I'm not putting out for you!\nSkyler: Why the hell not?!\nShelly: 'Cause I'm twelve! [Cartman moves up a bit]\nSkyler: You're not putting out for me?\nShelly: No!\nSkyler: Well then, screw you, bitch! I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will!\nShelly: What?? But I thought you liked me.\nSkyler: If you're not puttin' out, then I'm movin' on! There's plenty of chicks like you out there! [she looks forsaken, Cartman draws closer] Screw you, prude bitch! Me and my badass guitar are going home! Hasta!\nCartman: Gotcha! [Skyler drives away in the red van]\nScene Description: The living room. Shelly sits on the sofa crying, her face buried in her hands. Cartman comes dancing in\nCartman: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh wicky wicky Wild West! Shelly, guess who's busted! [Shelly continues crying] Hey! I said, guess who's busted! [Shelly doesn't seem to realize he's there] Eh, you're not gonna trick me, I've got the goods on you!\nShelly: [between tears] I don't care. [cries some more, then pours out her emotions] He acted like he really liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before. [now Cartman softens] I can't believe I trusted him. I'm so stupid.\nCartman: Well, Shelly, he's 22. What, what were you doing with him anyway?\nShelly: Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly.\nCartman: You're not ugly.\nShelly: You don't think so?\nCartman: Well, you're pretty ugly, but, you don't have to be dating 22-year olds. I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year old girls?\nShelly: You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish I could get him back! I just don't know how.\nCartman: Weh-hull, I could ask Artemus Clyde Frog. He would know.\nShelly: Huh?\nCartman: If you want, I could help you.\nShelly: Really? You would do that?\nCartman: Just let me get my cowboy hat.\nScene Description: Outside. Kitty returns to the house, opens the front door, and enters\nKitty: Mreow? Mreow? Mreow! [the other cats come in and make themselves at home. Kitty turns on the stereo and music blares from the speakers. More cats come]\nScene Description: Skyler's pad. He sits on his sofa strumming his guitar. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up, opens it, and looks down. Clyde is there\nSkyler: What the hell is this?!\nPolly: Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek. Is anybody there? [she lies next to the bear, which is playing the voices]\nSkyler: Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot. [goes into the woods to find her]\nCartman: [dressed as James West, reaches the open door] Okay, it's clear. [Stands watch as Shelly makes her way inside]\nScene Description: The woods.\nPolly: Over here! Please, come quick! [Skyler moves towards the voice]\nScene Description: Skyler's pad. Cartman stands watch as Shelly gets to work\nCartman: We don't have much time!\nShelly: This won't take me long!\nScene Description: The Cartman house. The front door remains wide open as music blares from inside. Cats are all over the living room. Kitty bring a box of Playful Pussy catnip from outside and pours out the catnip. The other cats rush towards it and divide amongst themselves. One cat makes lines of it so he can snort it, another snacks on a slice of pizza. Others sip from beer bottles. Some cats come towards Kitty and she shows her ass again.\nScene Description: Skyler's pad. Cartman grows impatient\nCartman: Hurry up in there!\nShelly: I'm almost done.\nScene Description: The woods. Skyler is looking...\nSkyler: Hello-o? Hello-o, Mrs. Hayek?\nPolly: Over here! Please help me! I am lost and I have no clothes!\nSkyler: [to himself] No clothes, right.\nScene Description: Skyler's pad. Shelly finishes up\nScene Description: The woods. The search continues...\nPolly: I'm over here! Please help me! I will reward you greatly!\nSkyler: Right here, Miss Hayek!\nPolly: Oh, please help me!\nSkyler: What the? [sees the Speak and Record bear and Polly Prissy Pants on the ground]\nPolly: Please help me! I will give you tacos!\nSkyler: Dude, somebody tricked me! I'll make you pay for making me come out here, God dammit! [rushes home and enters] Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night! [gasps loudly. His guitar is in pieces and buried in kitty litter. Shards of wood are arranged to read \"King Turd\" in front of the neck of the guitar] My guitar! NOOOOO!\nScene Description: The Cartman house. Shelly and Cartman return home\nCartman: That was sooo cool! I wish we could've seen his face!\nShelly: [faces him at the door] Thanks for all your help, Eric. You know, as far as turds go, you're okay. [opens the door, and they both are shocked at what they see]\nCartman: Oh my God! [the orgy is well under way]\nShelly: They're having a cat orgy!\nCartman: You are all very bad kitties! That is a bad, bad kitty!\nShelly: Your mom's gonna get home soon. We're gonna get busted!\nCartman: [gets the catnip and holds it up high] Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on. [points the way out, then goes towards the door. The cats follow] That's it. Come on, come on. [opens the door, only to find Skyler waiting for him] Uh oh.\nSkyler: You two ruined my career! I'm gonna get you! [Cartman throws the catnip at him and scores] Umph! [the cats jump on him] Ogh! Oh! Owey! Owwey! Duewy! Oh! [horror and then glee appear on the faces of Cartman and Shelly] Oh, you ripped my pants off! Oh my God! Oohh my Goodd!\nShelly: Come on! We've got to get the house clean before your mom gets home. [they go back inside and close the door] You know, Eric. It's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends.\nCartman: Yeah. I think we get along okay.\nLiane: [enters] Hi, kids. I'm home.\nCartman: Heh. [all are afraid. Two cats hide behind Kitty] Mom! Uh I can explain. It was all Shelly's fault! She didn't watch the cat!\nShelly: No! It's Eric's fault. He let those cats in here.\nLiane: [holds on to the doorway] Oh, what a party that was! [walks towards the sofa] Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. [Crashes onto it and falls asleep]\nShelly: Wow, she passed out.\nCartman: Luckily for us, my mom is a total lush.\nShelly: Well, let's clean up the house. Looks like everything turned out o-kay.\nCartman: That's how it goes in the Wild Wild West. [raps once more]\nCartman: [Shelly watches him perform and grins, then joins him in the dance] Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's Age, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang [End credits roll] Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh Cowboy from the Westside. Wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Frog Polly Prissy Pants go down to... Well... mm-Rumpertumskin."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sharon take Stan along with them. It seems Shelly has already been dropped off at Cartman's house to babysit him.\nStan: I don't want to go to this stupid party!\nRandy: Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time.\nStan: No, you guys are gonna have a great time! Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels.\nRandy: Well, your mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it.\nScene Description: The Mackey house. The Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there, one of them double-parked. The house is festooned with stars of various sizes, with two shooting stars among them. A banner reads, \"METEOR SHOWER PARTY\" while a sign on the door reads \"WELCOME SKYWATCHERS.\" The Marshes reach the door and Randy rings the bell. Mr. Mackey answers.\nMr. Mackey: Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already a wild party, hm.\nRandy: Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We had nowhere else to put him.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, that's okay. I've got a special kids' room down in the basement.\nStan: Awww!\nMr. Mackey: [leads the family across the room] Be sure to help yourselves to the crab soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita? [clap clap] Juanita? [clap clap] We need some more finger sandwiches? [she scurries by]\nScene Description: The basement. Mr. Mackey leads the family down the steps.\nStan: I don't wanna hang out in the kids' room. I won't know anybody\nRandy: Well, it would be good for you to make new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny. Now I bet you'll have a great time.\nMr. Mackey: [opens a door] Here you go, it's right in here. [Stan enters and gasps. Before him are Pip, Butters, and Dougie.]\nRandy: We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan.\nStan: [soft but urgent, tugging at Randy's pants] Dad! You can't leave me here! These guys are total Melvins!\nSharon: You have fun, Stanley.\nStan: [soft but urgent, tugging at Sharon's dress] No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest kids at our school!\nMr. Mackey: We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts. [closes the door. Stan looks at it with hands in pockets, then he looks at the other kids. Pip, Butters, and Dougie smile at him. Stan tries to open the door, but it's locked. He turns to face his peers.]\nPip: Cheerio, Stan. I do say it's quite a nice surprise seeing you here.\nStan: Shut up, Pip.\nButters: Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're here, 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we, why, than we was havin' before. Why, we wuh, we were havin' an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however.\nStan: Butters, is there any way out of here?\nButters: Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid party anyways. It's better down here in the kids' room. [motions to the little boy to his left] Uh, this here is Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in first grade, I think.\nDougie: I like math.\nStan: Oh my God.\nPip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?\nStan: No.\nPip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams [Butters bows] We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, \"Turrah!\" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too. Stan, would you be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar? [Stan just looks at them] And all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.\nAll three: Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. [Stan tries opening the door again]\nScene Description: Upstairs. The party is well under way. Mr. Garrison walks up to Mr. Mackey\nMr. Garrison: [quite drunk] Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass. [his right hand jerks to the right, pulling him] No! Mr. Hat, you get back here! [walks away. The Marshes and the Broflovskis stand in front of the punch bowl]\nMr. Mackey: Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? It packs quite a wallop.\nSharon: Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.\nMr. Mackey: [offers the drink] Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers only come once in a great while. [Sharon takes it]\nRandy: One little drink isn't going to hurt anything, honey. Come on, live a little.\nSharon: Well, it is kind of a special night. I guess I could... experiment. [she takes a sip]\nRandy: Yeah, experiment.\nScene Description: The basement. Pip, Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams and Ducklers. Stan sits on the floor with his back to them, arms wrapping his knees\nAll three: [dancing] Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.\nPip: [all turn 'round] Wickersham tally-ho ugh. [all fall on their backs. Pip gets up] Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley?\nStan: [looks back] Yes.\nDougie: What are you? A sourpuss?\nButters: Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan. It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never been to England, but uh I'll bet the people there are really nice. [Pip walks off] Are people nice in England, Pip? I bet they are, huh? [annoyed, Stan covers his ears] They got those thick noses and all.\nPip: [looks in a box] Hey, look at this!\nButters: Uh what is it? Is it something neat? Uh I wonder what it could be. [he and Dougie reach the box and look in]\nPip: [leafing around] It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.\nDougie: [pulls out a padded bra and checks it out] Neato.\nButters: Hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we could play Charlie's Angels.\nStan: [incredulous] Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.\nPip: [hopping] Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?\nButters: No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought of it.\nPip: [twirls with joy] Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's get dressed. [walks over to Stan] Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?\nStan: Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes, and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels! You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins, and leave me alone!\nPip: Well. [turns and walks away] Alrighty then.\nScene Description: The backyard. A hot tub sits just behind the house. Mr. Mackey leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to it\nMr. Mackey: Here it is. I just had the hot tub put in last week.\nGerald: Wow, neat!\nSheila: It looks quite inviting.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub.\nSharon: Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.\nRandy: Hell, we should get in.\nGerald: Yeah.\nMr. Mackey: Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party, isn't it? Mkahy?\nSharon: Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing to wear.\nMr. Mackey: Hm huheh, that's okay. [giggles]\nSheila: No hot tub for me!\nGerald: Well, screw you guys! [disrobes and jumps in]\nRandy: I'm getting in for a while, too. [disrobes and jumps in] Geronimo!\nSharon: Oh, look at our boys, Sheila. [Randy and Gerald splash each other] It's just like they're in college again.\nScene Description: The basement. The Angels are dressed and ready for action, but...\nPip: Okay, Angels, what's our mission this week?\nButters: Well, I don't know what our mission is. Do you know what our mission is, little first-grade kid?\nDougie: How should I know?\nPip: Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but we don't have a mission.\nButters: Hey, that's because we need Bosley. Uh Bosley always told the Angels what their mission was. Remember Bosley? Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to be Bosley. [strokes his chin. All three look around, but the silence alerts Stan]\nStan: [looks back displeased] What?\nPip: Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind terribly being Bosley for us?\nStan: [grudgingly] What do I have to do?\nButters: Uh you just got- you just gotta tell us what our mission is, that's all. That's all Bosley does. Just give a mission, and us Angels will accomplish it.\nStan: Alright, alright. Here's your mission. In ten minutes this room is gonna fill up with water and drown everybody. You have to find me a way out of this room, fast.\nPip: Oh, that's a splendid mission!\nButters: Well, what are we waitin' for? We've gotta find a way out of this room, by golly, or else we're gonna get drowned. Come on, Angels! [they go in different directions, but Dougie pauses]\nDougie: Which Angel am I again?\nScene Description: The hot tub. Gerald and Randy relax in its bubbling warmth\nRandy: Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out without the kids, huh?\nGerald: Yeah, I know what you mean.\nRandy: I love havin' a family and all. I just... miss being able to party. Drinking and socializing, and experimenting with all kinds of different things.\nGerald: Well, that's what being young is all about. Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over. But tonight is the exception; that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar. [brushes it under his nose and sniffs it] Only 'cause I've never smoked before. [picks up a lighter and lights the cigar, then sets the lighter back]\nRandy: Good idea.\nGerald: What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?\nRandy: Hohn. [raises his elbows to the rim] Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me.\nGerald: Yeah! ...Was that your leg?\nRandy: Huh? Oh, you mean, this?\nGerald: Yeah.\nRandy: Yeah. That, that was me.\nScene Description: The basement. Pip rushes up to Stan\nPip: Bosley! Bosley!\nStan: [in no mood for role-playing] What, Pip?\nPip: Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan. Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.\nStan: What the hell do you want?!\nPip: Well, we've completed our mission. Jill found a way upstairs.\nStan: You did? [rises and walks to the way]\nDougie: [dressed as Jill] Air shaft.\nButters: Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this old ventilation duct. And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere, and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause now we won't drown.\nPip: So Bosley, what's our next mission?\nStan: We're going upstairs.\nButters: Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin' upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we want to go upstairs for?\nStan: Because, you stupid Melvins, they have rad food and desserts upstairs! [crawls into the duct]\nScene Description: The hot tub\nRandy: Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there? She looks hot.\nGerald: She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin' that home.\nRandy: O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would love that.\nGerald: I wish. That's the one thing I've always thought of experimenting with. A threesome.\nRandy: [eager to know] With two girls or two guys?\nGerald: Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean ...with another guy, you know, that'd be... [ends up staring at Randy]\nRandy: You, you never have a homosexual fantasy? Not that I have.\nGerald: You haven't?\nRandy: No, I mean... Well, they say everybody has at some point, don't they?\nGerald: Well, I never really wanted to experiment with anything too crazy. You know... maybe just... I don't know... masturbate in front of another guy.\nRandy: Yeah well, that, that's not really ...gay, is it?\nGerald: NO, no, uh I don't think so.\nRandy: ...Well it is a night for experimenting.\nGerald: Sure is. [both of them wait for the other to make the first move, then...]\nRandy: Okay, I'll start. [begins]\nScene Description: some activity is going on out on the street. Someone is looking at the house through night-vision scopes and taking snapshots. One of those shots is of Liane talking to her son over the phone. Five ATF agents are now seen looking at the house from across the street\nATF lead: This must be the place. They've got all kinds of crazy stuff going on in there.\nATF agent: [talks into a communicator] Code 7. We believe we have found the compound. Request immediate backup. [the ATF lead looks at the house again]\nBarbrady: [immediate indeed, appears in the lead's sights] Okay, so just what is going on here, people?\nATF lead: Get down! [pulls him into position along with the others]\nBarbrady: What?\nATF lead: It's just like we told you, officer! There's a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts. [resumes viewing, but is interrupted]\nBarbrady: Are you sure?\nATF lead: Of course we're sure! [points out the initials on his cap] We're the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's our job to know what these fanatics do!\nBarbrady: So what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?\nATF lead: Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! Even if it means we have to kill each and every one of them.\nScene Description: Out front, later. ATF trucks and tanks roll in and more agents arrive\nATF lead: What's the situation?\nATF agent: [coming in from reconnaissance] Apparently, we've got at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts.\nATF lead: Any luck talking to somebody in the house?\nATF agent: We've tried calling, but there's no answer. I think we're gonna have to move in, sir.\nATF lead: Alright. Johnson!\nJohnson: [a marksman, runs up] Sir!\nATF lead: I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.\nJohnson: Yes, sir! [makes his way to the front door while stopping at various points for better views. He rings the doorbell with his elbow, but doesn't wait for an answer]\nScene Description: The Mackey house, living room. Johnson now looks around the living room, but no one seems to be alarmed at his presence. Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view\nMr. Mackey: Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay? [Johnson, surprised, lowers his guard] Would you like a meteor mai tai?\nJohnson: Heeey, I love mai tais! [closes the door]\nScene Description: The living room, at the ventilation duct. Stan leads the others out\nPip: We did it! Great job, Angels!\nButters: So what's our mission now, huh Bosley? Uh wha what do you want us to do now, I wonder?\nStan: [mischief flashing across his face] Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set.\nPip: What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?\nStan: I don't care, just hurry! [the Angels walk away]\nButters: Well, hooray!\nScene Description: The deck. Gerald and Randy have left the hot tub and are getting dressed. Things get awkward\nGerald: [buttoning his jacket] So uh. Well. That was certainly... interesting.\nRandy: [tying his shoes] ...Yeah.\nGerald: Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do you?\nRandy: No no. ...Wuh what's there to regret, right? I mean..., all we did was watch each other ...masturbate. That's that's not gay or anything. We said so, right?\nGerald: Thuh that's right. It's just harmless experimenting.\nRandy: Well, let's get back into the party and see what everyone is doing. [turns to go in]\nGerald: Hey. [Randy looks] Nothing changes between us, right? I mean, we're still friends.\nRandy: Um... Yeah yeah sure sure. [goes inside]\nScene Description: Outside, the ATF agents are armed and ready to fire. The lead agent reviews the situation inside with his scopes\nATF lead: Damn it, where is Johnson?!\nATF agent: No communication, sir. It doesn't look good for him.\nATF lead: Those bastards!\nScene Description: Inside. Johnson is dancing away. A couple is about to leave the party\nMan: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so much.\nMr. Mackey: Well, are you sure you have to leave so early?\nWoman: We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again.\nMr. Mackey: Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay? [waves them off and closes the door]\nScene Description: Outside, The couple walks a few steps before two spotlights stop them in their tracks\nATF lead: [On a bullhorn] Hold it right there! Whatever it is you are intending to do, do not do it! [the man shrugs] Your freaky religious cult will not succeed in its plan!\nMan: What?\nATF lead: Do not move, or we will be forced to shoot- [Shooting starts. The couple falls dead and the lead lowers the bullhorn] God damn it, who was that?! [most of the agents raise their hands] Did you see them move?!\nAgent 1: ...I did.\nAgent 2: [next to floodlight] Yah.\nAgent 3: Yeah, they moved alright.\nScene Description: Inside, several men gather around Jimbo and Randy.\nJimbo: Well, I tell you what: we may not have Elway this year, but Brister won every game he started in last year.\nBurly man: Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart of the team. Who's the leader now?\nBlond man: I think the Jets are gonna be the team to beat this year in the AFC.\nRandy: Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?\nJimbo: ...What??\nRandy: Well I just... I have this buddy, uh, he, sat and watched another guy ...play with himself.\nBurly man: Well... Let's go kick his ass!\nOther men: Yeah!\nJimbo: Where is he?!\nRandy: Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.\nBurly man: Aw! [the men disperse]\nGerald: [walks up] Hey, Randy. What are you doing? [pats him on the back]\nRandy: [subdued] Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some chips.\nGerald: Can I come with you?\nRandy: [softly] Okay. [rolls his eyes]\nScene Description: Mackey's bedroom. Butters leads Stan inside\nButters: Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell, it was my idea. [Pip and Dougie are already inside, waiting] Uh I got to thinkin', \"Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?\" and then I remembered that lots of grownups have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So, so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and er and sure enough, here it was.\nStan: Rad! [hops on the bed and starts switching channels]\nPip: Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and a TV set. So what's our next mission?\nStan: There are no more missions. I have everything I want. [four shows and a commercial pass by as he channel-surfs.]\nButters: Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat are we supposed to do? We're Angels. Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?\nStan: [annoyed] Just... play something else! God!\nPip: Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.\nScene Description: Breaking news\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts.\nStan: Whoa, cool!\nDougie: I wanna be a reporter someday.\nReporter: Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house. [footage of it is shown] According to the ATF, the couple refused to cooperate, then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everyone. The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple, and now a standoff has ensued.\nPip: Oh, looks like that cult is about to be blown into tiny bits.\nReporter: The ATF commander tells us that he has reason to believe there may be children inside and that they are the primary concern of all. There are choppers here along with several tanks. [choppers and tanks are heard coming in] The commander is very concerned about what the mood is inside.\nStan: [as the reporter speaks] Wait a minute [hops off the bed and walks towards the window. He looks out and sees the ATF] Oh my God! [runs back to the others] Dude! That's this house. They think our parents are the religious cult!\nDougie: Do you think someday I can be a reporter?\nReporter: We just received a photo from the recon team of the action inside the house [Stan looking out the window just moments before] showing evidence that there are indeed innocent children trapped inside. Those sick cult fanatic bastards!\nStan:: Dude!\nButters: Hey, uhour parents aren't religious fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them that they're makin' an awful mistake, don't we?\nPip: Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we have a new mission.\nScene Description: The living room. Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing, oblivious to the commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his hands to his eyes, his mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him\nGerald: [sits] Randy, you're making me feel unimportant. Talk. Talk, damn you.\nRandy: I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot tub.\nGerald: So, so now we can't be friends?\nRandy: I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know, I... I just feel so strange. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like people here know. You know? Like, even though nobody could know, 'cause we said we'd never tell anybody.\nGerald: We said we'd never tell anybody?\nRandy: [now cross] Well, of course we wouldn't.\nGerald: Oh, uh I didn't realize that. [looks away ashamed]\nRandy: [sensing betrayal] Yuh... You didn't ...tell anybody, did you?\nGerald: Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.\nRandy: [hushed] What?! Why the hell would you do that?!\nGerald: You didn't say not to tell anyone.\nRandy: [hushed] Well, of course! I thought it would be implied! When you masturbate with another guy in a hot tub, you assume that nobody is gonna tell anybody! [looks around in desperation to make sure no one else is listening]\nGerald: Listen to you. You're yelling at me; you've never yelled at me before.\nRandy: AAAW!! [jumps up and hurries away]\nStan: [rushes out with the others in tow] Hey you guys! We've got a big problem! [sees everyone quite drunk. A naked man dances by with a lampshade on his head] The ATF is outside and they think you're all a religious cult. You've gotta go talk to them. [the adults didn't hear him]\nButters: Huh how come they're actin' that way, Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin' and fallin' down and such?\nStan: [sees his mom waddle by] Mom, go look outside.\nSharon: [drunk, with mai tai in hand] Mommy's little boopie-kins [falls down and out]\nButters: Uh let me handle this, Stan. [walks forward] Uh now l-listen up and listen good, everyone! Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin' and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh if you don't get outside right now, and tell those army guys you're not religious fantastics, there's, why there's gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell ya! [The adults laugh and his face drops]\nStan: Come on, we're gonna have to go tell 'em ourselves. [walks to the door. The others follow]\nScene Description: Outside. The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door closes. The spotlights come on and the commander takes up the bullhorn\nATF lead: Lay down your weapons!\nStan: We don't have any weapons.\nATF lead: Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully, and we will not shoot them. [Shooting starts]\nButters: Whoa!\nStan: Get back inside! [opens the door and the boys hurry in]\nATF lead: I don't think they're gonna come out. Use the Ganz technique.\nBarbrady: What's the Ganz technique?\nATF lead: This is what we did in Waco. [two monster speakers are moved into place on either side of the front of the house. A technician readies the large CD player] Play really bad music really loud until it drives them nuts and makes them want to come out. [the technician presses a button and a garbled song plays] Nobody can stand this much Cher. This is her new album. If this doesn't drive them out, nothing will.\nScene Description: Living room, the stereo. Mr. Mackey turns on the very same song and starts dancing to it\nMr. Garrison: That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What is that?\nMr. Mackey: Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.\nMr. Garrison: Well, hell, turn it up.\nScene Description: Living room, away from the stereo. Randy is walking around. Two men talk in the foreground\nGoateed man: Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I I heard that he's gay.\nOther man: Oh, is he?\nRandy: [runs up] Who?!\nGoateed man: Huh?\nRandy: Who who did you hear is, is gay?!\nGoateed man: Ricky Martin, the singer.\nRandy: Oh. [the two men walk away as Gerald approaches]\nGerald: Hey, Randy, what's up?\nRandy: [tenses up] What the hell is that supposed to mean?!\nGerald: Huh?\nRandy: Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with your wife right now?\nGerald: Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to you.\nRandy: There's nothing to talk about.\nGerald: You're having regrets, aren't you?\nRandy: No, I-... I don't know.\nGerald: Hey. Talk to me.\nRandy: No!\nGerald: I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.\nRandy: Will you stop it?! I don't... I just...\nGerald: Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need to talk about it, but I sure do.\nRandy: Aaww! [rushes away] Sharon? [finds her at a table and genuflects] Sharon, cuh can we go?\nSharon: [swaying] Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even started yet.\nRandy: [his voice grows urgent] Uh I know, but I want to make love to you right now. I have to make love to you right now.\nSharon: Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party. Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!\nRandy: Ogh, I already did.\nStan: [rushes up with the other boys] Dad! Dad, they shot at us.\nRandy: Not now, Stanley. [gets up and walks away. Stan watches him go, then turns to Sharon]\nStan: Mom!\nSharon: Whoopee! [gets up, and the bowl of chips drops to the ground. She faints on the table. Stan looks around, not sure how he can rouse the adults to action, drunk as they are.]\nButters: [panicking] Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh uh they shot at us! They really shot at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and all our families.\nStan: [slaps Butters across the face with a backhand and grabs him by the collar] Get a hold of yourself, man!\nButters: How come you slapped my face, Stan, huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do that, anyways?\nStan: Come on. We have to find out what's happening. [leads the other boys to the bedroom]\nScene Description: Mackey's bedroom. The boys enter and check out the news again.\nReporter: I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the commander of the ATF. Commander, what is the latest?\nGanz: We have not had any cooperation with the cult inside the house. They are refusing to come out, and apparently they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor shower starts, which should be any moment now.\nDougie: See how reporters get to wear those cool jackets? That's why I wanna be a reporter.\nReporter: So what are your plans, commander?\nGanz: Right now, our plan is to burn the house down. If we set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out.\nButters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do, huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-\nStan: Sh!\nReporter: Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous, commander.\nGanz: It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.\nStan: We have to let them know that this isn't a cult party.\nPip: But we can't. They'll just shoot at us again.\nButters: Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife uh... Oh, hold on.\nStan: Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission. And this time, it's for real. [walks off]\nScene Description: Outside. The reporter continues\nReporter: For hours now, the ATF has tried to communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house. The meteor shower is expected to begin at any moment, and so time is running out.\nScene Description: Inside, the party continues.\nMackey: Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again, hm huh hnmkay? [Harold is wearing a lampshade, but he's fully dressed. The camera moves to the crowd, then to the ground, where Dougie is standing with microphone in hand]\nDougie: This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the meteor shower party. [Stan is filming, Butters is cuing] As you can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us. [aside] Anything else?\nStan: Tell them not to burn us down.\nDougie: Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill Munroe, GFN news.\nPip: Now what do we do?\nStan: [removing the tape from the camera] Now we find a way to get this tape to the real reporters.\nDougie: Hey, I'm a real reporter.\nStan: You're right. You are, Dougie. You did an awesome job. [Dougie smiles]\nScene Description: Outside, Ganz is back behind the firing line with the bullhorn\nGanz: Attention, cult people! Do not commit mass suicide! There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for instance. And back rubs. [turns off the bullhorn and listens for a moment] Alright, I'm through trying to reason with them. Send in the Negotiator! [a large truck hauls a large cannon in. The barrel of the cannon reads, \"NEGOTIATOR\"]\nReporter: [approaches] Excuse me, but what proof do you have that those people inside are religious fanatics?\nGanz: We know what we're doing. We did this all before in Waco.\nReporter: Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco. You killed a bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves.\nGanz: [holds out a beanie baby] Look. You see this? You see this?\nReporter: Yes.\nGanz: You see it? You see it? Go get it. [throws it away to his left] Go get it! [the reporter soon moves in the direction of the throw] Alright, let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass!\nScene Description: Inside. Randy is scarfing down some nachos at the snack table, and Gerald approaches him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil eye, then moves to the mai tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers at him\nGerald: Having a good time?\nRandy: Yeah, swell! Could I just... have a few minutes alone?\nGerald: I'm not gonna let you change on me, Randy. Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I won't let it change our friend-\nRandy: [irritated, interrupts] We did not share an intimate moment, okay?! That makes it sound gay! [walks away]\nScene Description: Outside. The front door opens and six guests exit\nGuest: Good night, everyone.\nGanz: Look out! [Shooting starts. Screams are heard as the guests are hit. The guests die on the spot] Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm. [on the bullhorn] People at the door! That was a warning! Go back inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender! [the Negotiator is aimed right at the front door]\nScene Description: The boys are in Mr. Mackey's bedroom. From outside, the boys are seen looking out the window\nStan: Oh no, we're out of time! [hops down and moves away. He ties some rope around Butters' middle] Are you sure you can do this, Butters?\nButters: Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?\nStan: We're just gonna slide you down this rope, and then you've gotta get our exclusive video to that reporter down there. [hands him the video]\nButters: Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.\nStan: Can you hit a target, Pip?\nPip: [with bow and plunger] I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire. [pulls back on the bow]\nStan: Hit something nice and solid now. [Pip releases the plunger, with rope attached, and it lands on the left side of Barbrady's head. Barbrady moves just a bit, then sips his coffee]\nPip: [pulls the rope taut] I think that's got it.\nStan: Nice job, Pip.\nPip: Did I do a nice job? Really?\nStan: Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn. [he and Dougie help Butters onto the window sill and hook him up to the rope]\nButters: Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh. I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think reconsiderin' is the thing to do right now. [Dougie pushes him off] Waaah! [slides down to Barbrady and bounces off the hook] Gooh. [runs to the reporter]\nStan: He made it down. [Pip and Dougie grin]\nScene Description: Outside.\nGanz: Alright, people, prepare to fire on my command! [the agents take aim]\nButters: Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?\nReporter: Huh?\nButters: Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive video for you, sir. [hands it to the reporter, who inspects it]\nScene Description: Inside, living room. Randy stands alone in the middle of the crowd, despondent\nGerald: [walks up] Honey?\nRandy: [hushed] God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody knows.\nGerald: Everybody doesn't know. And why are you so ashamed of me?\nRandy: What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and talkative and-!\nGerald: I just want to know it meant something to you.\nRandy: It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry! [the music stops] All we did was watch each other masturbate in the hot tub! [people turn and stare. One man gasps and Sharon lifts her head from the floor]\nMan in briefs: Aw, I was just in the hot tub. [a man next to him pulls away]\nRandy: Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it would be exciting, and maybe it was, but I can't deal with your accusing stares! [shots of various people looking at him] We watched each other jack off in the hot tub! There! We did it! I'm not proud of it, but there it is!\nMackey: Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate; I've done it.\nNed: Mmm-me too. [other men begin to answer]\nMan 1: Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.\nMan 2: Yep.\nMan 3: Yup.\nMan 4: Uh huh.\nMan 5: Me too.\nMan 6: Myeup, me too.\nMan 7: Yup.\nJimbo: Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With Cameron here. [points to the burly man who spoke earlier]\nMackey: [music resumes] Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more dip, please, Juanita? [she goes to do it, and conversation resumes among the guests]\nRandy: You mean it? I'm not gay?\nJimbo: [walks up] Hwell... maybe a little. But we're all a little gay.\nRandy: Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!\nGerald: So we're friends again?\nRandy: Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! I feel like I could take on the world! Everything's gonna be okay!\nScene Description: Outside. The Negotiator is rolled into placed and aimed once more\nGanz: Alright everyone, fire!\nReporter: [runs in front of the cannon and waves his arms] Hold on just a minute! This is Derek Smalls reporting. We have just received an exclusive video from inside the house [holds it up], proving that the people inside are not cultists after all.\nGanz: [to an agent] Uh oh. [runs to address the agents and waves his arms] Uh uh attention everyone! This has only been a test. Good job, men, on this, uh, simulation.\nBlond agent: Simulation?\nGanz: [to the blond] Sh. [to all] All is well. Do not shoot at [BOOM. The cannonball hits a house behind Mackey's, then bounces to crush another, then another, and yet another. Stan, Pip, and Dougie rush outside to join the reporter.]\nPip: O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day! [Butters joins them]\nGanz: Woops.\nATF agent: Sir, this isn't gonna look good.\nGanz: You're right. Quick, let's get out of here! [in the blink of an eye, every ATF agent and vehicle rushes away, leaving a clear road]\nDerek: Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys.\nDougie: Wow, you mean that?\nDerek: Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams. [walks away with the tape]\nButters: Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!\nPip: There. Angels, I must say I think we did a smashing job.\nButters: Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya.\nStan: But you know, I learned something today. I used to call you guys Melvins. But you're just kids, like me. We separate you in school because you talk different and you study too hard, but we've proven tonight that we can all get along.\nButters: Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?\nKyle: [shows up] Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would not believe the night I had.\nStan: You?! You think you had a bad night?! I had to hang out all night with these friggin' Melvins!\nKyle: Hoh, dude, weak.\nStan: Super weak.\nKyle: Come on. I'll tell you all about what happened to me. [goes inside with Stan and Ike, leaving the Melvins outside sad.]\nScene Description: Cher's mangled song plays."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Broflovski residence. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his changing table in his room.\nSheila: Hold still, Ike! We have to get you dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?\nGerald: I don't know. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna be late for Jew Scouts!\nScene Description: Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging from their hair.\nSheila: Kyle!\nKyle: I'm coming, Ma! [the doorbell rings]\nSheila: Go get the door, Kyle!\nKyle: [to himself, angrily] \"Get ready\", \"answer the door\", Jesus Christ, make up your friggin' mind! [exits]\nScene Description: Living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens it\nKyle: Oh! Hey, Kenny.\nKenny: (Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the meteor shower. Do you wanna come and see it with me?)\nKyle: I can't watch the meteor shower with you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.\nKenny: (What's that?)\nKyle: It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually we just sit around and make stuff. But tonight, because there's a meteor shower, we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure.\nKenny: (Oh, that's alright.)\nKyle: Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then it won't suck so hard.\nKenny: (Really?) [follows Kyle to the sofa, where Kyle's parents now wait]\nKyle: Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?\nSheila: ...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a ...special thing.\nKyle: ...Oh. Kenny isn't special?\nKenny: (Aw.)\nSheila: No, no, you're very special, Kenny. It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for Jewish kids. [Kyle and Kenny have blank stares]\nGerald: You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special group that borrows a little bit from all different Jewish denominations. From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews... But you have to believe the basic tenets of Judaism to be a Scout.\nKyle: Kenny'll believe whatever you want him to.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nSheila: Kyle, eh, the problem is...\nKyle: Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has anywhere else to be tonight.\nGerald: Oh, all right. Just don't let any of the elders know that he isn't Jewish, okay?\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nSheila: Come on, Ike! [he hops in] It's time to go to Squirts!\nKenny: (Squirts?)\nSheila: You have to be in Squirts if you're too young to be a Jew Scout.\nKenny: (Oh.)\nSheila: Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there. [everyone heads out the door]\nScene Description: In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or Tanakh\nSheila: And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore him no children. She had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abraham, \"Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing. I pray thee, go into my maid.\"\nKenny: (Uh huh.)\nSheila: Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then said to kill. But that was just a little silly trick to see if Abraham would do it.\nKenny: (Uh huh!)\nIke: Eng jeck. [takes off his cap]\nKyle: No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his Squirt uniform!\nSheila: Ike, you behave!\nIke: Buwor? [takes off his cap again]\nKyle: No, Ike!\nIke: Buh buh buh buh. [the cap is back on, the bandana comes off]\nKyle: I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.\nGerald: [turns to face the boys] Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts, and so was I. You have to go so someday you can be a big brave Jew Scout.\nIke: No-o. [takes off the pigtails]\nGerald: Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.\nKyle: What? You want me to lie?\nGerald: Yeah, lie.\nKyle: Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun-\nSheila: Oh my God, what is that?! [brakes hard and stop. A big brown bear is walking towards them.]\nGerald: Hey, it's a bear! [the bear turns left and walks into the woods]\nKyle: Wow, cool.\nSheila: This retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?\nScene Description: The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, \"WELCOME TO JEWBILEE.\" They reach the Jew welcome station\nRanger: Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find it okay?\nGerald: Yeah. [the boys leave the car] Actually, we saw a bear a few miles back.\nKyle: He was huge.\nRanger: Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago. Nothing to worry about, though. Your boys are safe with us.\nSheila: I'm sure they are.\nGerald: We'll be back to pick you up after the meteor shower party, boys.\nSheila: Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be safe. And Kenny?\nKenny: (Uh huh?)\nSheila: Try and act Jewish. [drives away. Ike is properly dressed again]\nKenny: (How do you do that?)\nSquirt leader: [arrives with his troop] Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over here! [motions to the place]\nKyle: [Ike hides behind him] Who are you?\nSquirt leader: I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want to be the Squirt leader, but I don't have a choice; it's the only way I can earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend all night instructing Squirts.\nKyle: You have to go with him, Ike.\nIke: Buh buh buh buh.\nKyle: Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And I'll be right over there in the next building. [points to it.]\nIke: Boul ball.\nSquirt leader: Come on! [drags Ike away. The Squirts leave as well, and the ranger returns]\nRanger: Name?\nKyle: Kyle Broflovski.\nKenny: (Kenny McCormick.)\nRanger: What?\nKyle: Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.\nRanger: [writes the names] Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The meeting is already starting.\nScene Description: On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings, naturally.\nKenny: (What's that?) [about the CHAMBER OF ELDERS]\nKyle: This is where the elders meet. Nobody is allowed to go in there when they're having a meeting.\nScene Description: Chamber of Elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other elders\nChief elder: Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us, the elders, on this most holy of nights.)\nElders: Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)\nChief elder: I want to welcome you all. Though we each come from a different sect of Judaism, on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu. (May all the power of Moses show the way...) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.\nElder 1: [with buns on his head] Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.\nElder 2: [with mustache] Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.\nElder 3: Elder Garth, from the synagogue of anti-Semites.\nChief elder: [cautiously] I don't believe I've heard of the anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before.\nElder Garth: We're new.\nScene Description: Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere\nSquirt leader: Okay, Squirts, the elders have given us a very important task tonight. We are all going to make macaroni pictures, like this one, [pulls out a picture of the Star of David made from macaroni] using dry macaroni, paper, and glue.\nSquirt 1: How come we have to make macaroni pictures?\nSquirt leader: [angrily] Because that's what Squirts do! Now, shut your pie-hole!\nSquirt 2: What's your name?\nIke: No.\nSquirt 2: How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?\nIke: Uh-uh. [doffs the hat and pigtails and hops to the window. He sees Kyle and Kenny walk to Meshuggeneh Hall]\nScene Description: Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a lecture hall. The banner outside says, \"Jew Scouts Meeting Hall\"\nElder: And that's how we'll be making tonight's craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you need is a bar of soap and a dull knife [displays them], and you can make nifty soap sculptures like these. Here's a giraffe. [displays it] And here's a cloud. [displays it] You can all pick up your bars of soap later on, as we will all be making soap sculptures tonight. [Kyle and Kenny enter and take their seats] Now, this year we are pleased to announce that Jewbilee has grown to over one hundred Jew Scouts from all around the country. All new inductees, raise your hands. [several of them raise their hands. None of them wear the Jew Scout cap yet.]\nKyle: That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand. [Kenny does so. The elder spots the new Scouts, but returns to an odd prospect]\nElder: Uhhhh, yess, and what is your name, young man?\nInductee: Junichi.\nElder: O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um... [places his index finger on his lower lip] Cu-could you run out and grab some... some of those candles for us? [Junichi leaves, and the attendant locks the door immediately] There we go. Ahem. [Kyle notices the injustice that has just been done] Now, I would like all the new inductees to step forward, please. [the new Scouts leave their seats and come up]\nKyle: This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't screw it up. [Kenny moves forward]\nElder: Raise your left hand and repeat after me: I pledge to be a Jew Scout.\nInductees: I pledge to be a Jew Scout.\nElder: My honor, wide and true.\nInductees: My honor, wide and true.\nElder: I am proud to be a Jew Scout.\nInductees: I am proud to be a Jew Scout.\nElder: Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.\nInductees: Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.\nElder: [brings forth a large bell] Nahit chaim.\nInductee 1: Nahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head and strikes it once to produce a long, loud peal, then raises it. The boy walks off]\nElder: Nahit chaim.\nInductee 2: Nahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, and raises it. The boy stumbles away crying]\nElder: Nahit chaim.\nKenny: (Nahit chaim.) [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, but Kenny ducks] (Ha! Hiheh haha.) [the elder lowers it again and strikes it several times to make sure] (Hah! Oh my God!)\nScene Description: Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due\nSquirt leader: Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?\nIshmael: Apple.\nSquirt leader: Good. Matthew?\nMatthew: Cat.\nSquirt leader: Joseph?\nJoseph: Triangle.\nSquirt leader: Okay. Ike?\nIke: Cokeshen.\nSquirt leader: [gasps] ...You don't make a macaroni picture of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp! [growling and other noises are heard] What the geez? [outside, a bear is searching through trashcans. The leader goes to the window] Oh my God, it's that bear they've been talking about! [the bear looks back, then jumps and runs away, leaving the trashcans strewn about and trash everywhere. The leader walks out with the Squirts] Where did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear! We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll get my chutzpah badge for sure!\nScene Description: Chamber of Elders. Meanwhile...\nChief elder: Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu. Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight, for the meteor shower, we will pray to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)\nElder Garth: [losing patience] Oh, enough already. What has Moses ever done for us?\nChief elder: All sects of Judaism follow the words of Moses.\nElder Garth: Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is a sign of the New Time, heh. We should use it to pray to Haman and enter into a new millennium faith, and it-\nChief elder: Enough, elder! You will not speak the name of Haman here!\nElder Garth: All you ever do is worship Moses, but it says in the Book of Centuries that Haman will one day lead the Jews.\nElder Harris: We pray to Moses here, elder.\nElder Garth: If you guys love Moses so much, why don't you marry him?!\nChief elder: We accept all denominations of Judaism here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue of anti-Semites is too strange! Get out and do not return: you are no longer welcome here!\nElder Garth: Fine! [goes to the door and turns] Jewbilee is the time of Haman! You will all see how wrong you are, very soon! When Haman returns from the Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and smotes Moses and all his followers into pillars of dust that would cry for their petty lives but can't, having recently been turned into dust and all, you will see! You will see this very night! [walks out and closes the door.]\nChief elder: Hello.\nScene Description: Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit. Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.\nKyle: Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the circle.\nKenny: (What the fuck are we doing?)\nKyle: This is where we all stand in a circle and pray to Moses for guidance during Jewbilee.\nKenny: (Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)\nKyle: It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my faith and you shouldn't make fun of it!\nChief elder: Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower will start soon. Let's pray to Moses for guidance. [spreads his arms out. All the Scouts close their eyes save Kenny, who looks around first, then closes them.] Moses, great leader, on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we ask for your tutelage.\nScouts: May the teachings of Moses fill our ears and our hearts respectively.\nAll: [the elder first, then the Scouts join him one by one] O...\nElder Garth: [behind a nearby tree] Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna teach them anything! [softens to pray] Do not fear, Haman. This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic Jews will once again rule the Earth.\nScene Description: The Squirts and their leader march through the woods...\nSquirt leader: We are Squirts, we are Squirts; we're so kosher that it hurtsWhen we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts[gasps. The brown bear is in front of him approaching a pile of crap] There he is, Squirts. [the bear turns up its snout, but sniffs again] Okay, Squirts. Remember the plan: immobilize and attack. Matthew, y-you immobilize the bear with the net, then Echo team, run up and attack it with your Squirt knives. [the bear sniffs some more] Don't get too close now, just close enough to throw the net on the stupid bear. [Matthew goes forward with the net. The leader and the other Squirts hide behind some bushes and watch. The leader then barks] Now! [the bear turns to see Matthew and growls, and Matthew throws the net on himself]\nMatthew: Oh, funt. [the bear takes the net and carries Matthew away] No!\nSquirt leader: Oh, no! [the bear disappears] Oh, God! [comes out of the bush with the Squirts] Oh, the bear took a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!\nScene Description: Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses\nAll: [long note] O... [the Scouts are now holding hands as they chant]\nKenny: [notices some rumbling] (What's happening now?)\nKyle: [looks at him] Shh. Shut up, Kenny. [rejoins the rest in chanting, the fire builds, and a huge techno-colored dreidel rises out of the fire. A face appears on it]\nKenny: (What the fuck is that?!)\nKyle: [stops long enough to say] That's Moses, stupid! [rejoins the rest in chanting]\nChief elder: Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers, want to thank you a lot for coming.\nMoses: The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all debts be forgiven and all slaves freed. Mwaaaaaaaaaah!\nAll: Aaaaaaaaaah!\nChief elder: Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice and be pleased. [the Scouts approach Moses one by one, offer their sculptures, and drop them off before him]\nKyle: [steps up and offers his] It's a duck. [Kenny steps up, but he's just starting on his sculpture]\nScene Description: Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries\nElder Garth: \"And it was foretold that the spirit of Moses would finally rest when his spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a conch shell of blind faith.\" Conch shell, like this one, hnee. [produces one from his robes]\nScene Description: Campfire.\nChief elder: Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings of macaroni pictures. They should be here any second. [walks up to Elder Harris] Where the hell are the Squirts? [Elder Harris shrugs] We need those macaroni pictures for Moses right now!\nScene Description: The woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear. He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED RAT grains onto the bait\nSquirt leader: Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes rat poison. [reviews his work] Well now, that'll be enough to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the tray! [the Squirts start heaving] Chutzpah badge, here I come. [the bear shows up and growls] Yikes! [runs for the bushes and reaches the Squirts] Okay, here he comes. Easy now. Easy, Squirts. [the bear comes closer, sniffing] Okay, Squirt, lower the tray. [the Squirt begins to lower it] That's it. That's it, you god-damned stupid bearface! [the bear rears up and pounces on the tray, jerking the rope.]\nSquirt: Agghhh! [the leader gasps. The Squirt is pulled into the air and lands in the tray] Ah-! [the bear carries him off] Agghhh!\nSquirt leader: Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!\nIke: Mommy.\nSquirt leader: [steps out of the bush with the Squirts] You think you can stop me from getting my chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?! Think again!\nScene Description: Campfire. The Scouts now sing \"Kumbaya,\" a spiritual\nAll: Kumbaya, my Lord, KumbayaO Lord, Kumbaya\nChief elder: Great and honorable Moses, what do you desire from us, your children?\nMoses: I desire... [the elders and the Scouts await anxiously] I desire... macaroni pictures.\nChief elder: Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures are coming right away. Uh, anything else you want from us, O great leader of the people?\nMoses: I desire... popcorn necklaces.\nChief elder: You heard him. Get to making popcorn necklaces right away! [the elders and Scouts scatter] All you need is some popcorn, and a needle and thread. [Kenny finishes his sculpture, which is of himself, as the last few Scouts leave. He then offers it and leaves it on the pile]\nMoses: Hold! [Kenny stops in his tracks as Kyle looks on. Kenny looks at Moses] There is... an impurity.\nGarth: [still behind the tree] Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.\nChief elder: [the Scouts gasp and Kenny droops] An impurity, Moses?\nMoses: This child here is not kosher.\nKenny: (Uh-oh.) [Garth looks, curious. Kyle rushes to Kenny's side, and the Scouts move in on them] (Help me, Kyle! What are we gonna do?)\nKyle: Don't worry. I know what to do.\nChief elder: Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?! [the Scouts grow angry]\nKyle: Elder, It's not my fault. He told me he was Jewish.\nKenny: (What?!) [the Elders and Scouts approach Kyle and Kenny closer]\nScene Description: Campfire. Some time later...\nChief elder: A non-Jew has infiltrated Jew Scouts and looked upon the face of Moses! He must be dealt with!\nKenny: (I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want. He's the one who tried to get me in here, and you know it.)\nChief elder: You are banished from here. You must leave before the great eating of carrot cake.\nKenny: (What?!)\nKyle: He doesn't get cake?\nMoses: No cake for the impurity.\nChief elder: Go now. You do not belong here. [points to the woods. Kenny comes out of the middle of the group and walks towards the woods. Kyle is sad for him. Kenny looks back, then faces forward and walks on]\nMoses: [spins around and around] Aaggghhh! [the others turn to see what's happening]\nElder Garth: [prostrated, with conch in hand] Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan shtud!\nChief elder: Elder, what are you doing?!\nElder Garth: [now standing with hands outstretched] Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!\nElder Harris: He's reading from the Book of Haman!\nElder Garth: Enter the conch shell, Moses! [thrusts the shell forward]\nMoses: [spins and shrinks to fit in the shell] Eo! Eh! Diu! [disappears into the shell]\nElder Garth: And there you shall stay, trapped for all eternity!\nChief elder: Elder, what have you done?\nElder Garth: I told you, the meteor shower is the time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee now!\nElder: [from Orientation] Release Moses, now!\nElder Garth: [pulls out a gun] I don't think so. [all gasp]\nScout: When do we get to eat carrot cake?\nElder Garth: Now... All of you into that building, or I shoot you where you stand!\nChief Elder: Elder, you cannot mean-\nElder Garth: Move! [drives them towards the building. Kenny peeks out from behind a tree. Garth follows the last of the Scouts to the door, closes it, and padlocks it. He descends the steps and heads for the campfire as the others look on through the window, frightened] Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!\nKyle: Dude, what the hell is going on?!\nChief elder: If he summons Haman, we will all be destroyed.\nKenny: (Oh no!)\nScene Description: Woods. The Squirts still march\nSquirt leader: We are Jew Squirts, we know JewishStick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smileydur dur dur dur dur-Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him! [the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]\nSquirt: Agh! Agghh! [the bear rushes away]\nSquirt leader: [not missing a beat] Remember, this is only a bear. All we have to do is stick together, and we can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches! [turns and counts his troop] Where's Zigmal?\nIke: No.\nSquirt leader: God-damnit! You stupid god-damned son of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt! Do you hear me?!\nScene Description: Campfire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.\nElder Garth: And the Ancient One looked upon Haman as the new leader of the people! [clouds roll in and the winds whip Elder Garth's hair around] And it was the night that stars flew around the sky! [the meteor shower goes by] Yes! Yess!!\nChief elder: If he summons Haman, it will be the end of everything we hold dear.\nScout: I wanna go home.\nScene Description: The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and tries to stop it\nKenny: (Stop!) [a red car speeds by. Kenny watches it leave, then hears more vehicles coming] (Officer Barbrady, I really need to talk to you!) [Barbrady and the ATF speed by as well] (Shit!)\nScene Description: The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.\nSquirt leader: That bear thinks he can outsmart me! Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get the- [gasp] Hold! Look over there! [a figure resembling a Squirt stands alone in a clearing in front of a cliff] It's one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe he's okay. [takes the Squirts over to the figure to make sure. They arrive, only to see a straw Squirt - straw dressed in a Squirt uniform. The Squirt leader looks at the straw Squirt long and hard before deciding] It's a trap!! [jumps out of the way as a net descends and traps the rest of the Squirts. The full net rises to a high branch; the bear comes to the edge of the cliff and carries it away] Damn! Damn, damn, damn! Okay, bear, that does it! You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You can have 'em! I give up! I don't need my chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or any of this crap! Forget it!\nScene Description: The campfire. The meteor shower continues\nElder Garth: Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule his people once again!\nChief elder: No! [Kenny walks into the camp again]\nElder Garth: We await your return, Haman! [Kenny stops to see Elder Garth at work] Your passage is safe from the enemies!\nKenny: [the bear finds him and carries him off] (Aghh!)\nScene Description: The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door, but fails\nChief Elder: It's hopeless.\nElder: Haman will be summoned and we will be forced to obey him, or die. [the Scouts are scared]\nElder Harris: Uh I'm fine with obeying.\nElder: Yeah, obeying should work out swell. [!]\nKyle: Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about Kenny. Kenny will help us.\nElder 2: How?\nKyle: Kenny will find a way.\nScene Description: The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.\nKenny: (Haaarrrrrh!) [the bear drops him off and leaves the cave] (Huh?)\nSquirt: Hey, welcome to the party. [Kenny studies the scene] See this li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.\nSquirt 2: Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over to play with him.\nBear cub: Mrar.\nKenny: (Aww.) [the momma bear comes and licks a Squirt's face, and the Squirt laughs] (Okay, you guys, we've gotta get back to the camp and... [indistinct chatter])\nSquirt: They are? Uh oh.\nKenny: (Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're already god-damned late!)\nSquirt: Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.\nAll: Yeah! [everyone, including the cub, races out of the cave]\nScene Description: The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone\nSquirt leader: Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts! I lost all the Squirts! [no answer] Well, screw you too! I don't need your Chutzpah badge anyway! Hello? [in the building behind him, heads rise from under the window sill]\nElder Schwartz: [the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!\nShlomo: [Squirt leader] What the geez? [turns and walked towards the hostages] What are you guys doing in there?\nElder Schwartz: Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts jump up and down]\nSchlomo: What?!\nElder Schwartz: [now points] Get the keys and unlock the door!\nSchlomo: [doesn't understand what Schwartz is saying, but gives his own news] I lost the Squirts! [Elder Garth appears behind him]\nElder Schwartz: Look out!\nSchlomo: Huh? [turns to face Garth]\nElder Garth: Don't move!\nSchlomo: [backs up quick] Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??\nElder Garth: It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!\nSchlomo: You can't wake Haman. What would Moses say?\nElder Garth: Moses is trapped for all eternity in the conch of blind faith!\nSchlomo: [sees the shell and dives for it] Oh, no you don't! [grabs it, but Farth shoots him. The bullet grazes Schlomo's right shoulder, which he then covers with his left hand, dropping the shell] Ooowww!!\nElder Garth: Enough of this waste of time! [turns and goes back to the campfire. Once there, he reaches for the Book of Haman] Haman! The Great Summoning is done! Upon these words let your spirit come! Einich! Hos!\nElder Schwartz: It is lost.\nElder Garth: Zayak. Kareem! [Kenny comes up behind him]\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [takes off with the book]\nElder Garth: Hey, give that back! [chases Kenny into the woods. The Squirts line up before the window where the hostages await]\nElder Schwartz: It's the Squirts.\nKyle: Go, Ike!\nElder Schwartz: Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are up there.\nElder Harris: They'll never reach.\nSquirt: Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation. [the Squirts hurry and climb up one on top of another to form a human pillar]\nScene Description: The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny\nElder Garth: Give me that book! [knocks Kenny down]\nKenny: (Ow!) [gives up the book, and Garth kicks him]\nElder Garth: Haman will deal with you! [kicks him again]\nKenny: (Ow!)\nScene Description: The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out. Elder Harris moves out into the open\nElder Harris: Oh, no. It's too late!\nElder Garth: Ramek shtud! [lightning strikes the ground. Nearby, the bear returns and gets the conch shell. She moves away, only to take it to Kenny, who receives it. The bear growls and leaves. Meteors continue to shower down as a black cloud with a pair of red eyes appears among the gathering clouds]\nKyle: What is that?\nElder Schwartz: It is Haman.\nElder Garth: Yes! Yes! [Kenny tries to break the conch shell open on a rock, then against the tree, but it doesn't break]\nHaman: Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned me!\nElder Garth: [now prostrate before Haman] Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!\nKyle: Look! [Kenny comes into the clearing and throws the shell against the snow several times.]\nKenny: (It's okay, I'll use my head!) [faces the shell and throws his head back]\nKyle: Kenny! Noooooo!\nKenny: (Heeeeeyah! Ugh-!) [the headbutt opened the shell alright, but Kenny falls back on his side as Moses comes out of the broken shell]\nHaman: Moses! Nooo!\nElder Garth: Nooo! Eheh. Nooo! [Moses rises into the sky, absorbs Haman, and reclaims his place above the campfire. Elder Garth turns to face him again] Moses. Uh I, I apologize for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh you see, I was just uh-\nMoses: Die! [lightning comes out of both his eyes and nukes Garth until Garth explodes]\nElder Garth: No! Aaagghhh! Ooww..! [poof]\nAll: [gathering] Hooray!\nKyle: Kenny! [runs to Kenny, who now lies in a pool of blood. The others follow]\nElder Harris: That blow to his head must have killed him.\nElder Carn: He saved us. He saved all the Jews.\nKyle: You know, I think we all learned something today. It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatists. And being a separatist sucks ass.\nElder Harris: We've learned a lot from you and your great friend, Kenny.\nMoses: [joins them next to Kenny] Every year we shall gather here in this special place and bring Kenny tidings of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.\nElder Harris: Yes.\nMoses: And those little shaker things where... you put beans inside of paper plates that are glued together.\nElder Harris: Paper-plate bean shakers.\nMoses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside of those paper plates so we can then pour glitter on them so they can look nice and sparkly.\nElder Schwartz: You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock, a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene. At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in\nDJ: [with classic 1970's big hair] We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house [Chef finished pinning a banner on the top right corner of the stage] and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, [one man pins a rubber bat to a shack roof, another walks past with a jack-o-lantern] HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! [Kenny, Kyle, and Stan walk past, but turn to face the DJ] Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far? [lowers the boom mic to Stan]\nStan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt. [turns and walks away with Kyle and Kenny]\nDJ: Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids.\nScene Description: Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs up to meet them\nCartman: Hey you guys! [they stop] You know what time of year it is?\nKyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.\nCartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry-\nStan: Christmas?\nCartman: -Christmastime is presents for me.\nScene Description: On another part of the dock, Jimbo and Ned leave a ticket booth\nJimbo: Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.\nGuests in line: Awwww! [all leave. The boys walk by]\nCartman: Eeyyy [Kyle stops, the others walk away], Spooky Laboratory, you guys. [\"THIS WAY TO SPOOKY LABORATORY\" The entrance doors are stained with blood]\nKyle: [annoyed] Those things are stupid, Cartman. They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff.\nCartman: Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory! [throws open the doors and enters] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...\nGuide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of lime Jell-o cubes]\nCartman: Cool!\nDr. Spookalot: [helps him up to a chair] Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.\nCartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ewww-hoohooo.\nDr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.\nCartman: [rolls his fingers through the lime Jell-o cubes] Oh-HO, grohoss.\nDr. Spookalot: [leads him to an ass] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body [Cartman reaches into the ass's ass and the ass looks surprised]\nCartman: Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk past a shack on which hangs a banner: \"COSTUME CONTEST TOMORROW\"\nKenny: (You guys, I'm gonna try and win that costume contest!)\nKyle: [two older boys peek out from behind some boxes, then drop down] Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna win that costume contest! Your costumes always suck. [the boy with his picture on the shirt pops out and faces them]\nBoy in green shirt: BOO!\nStan, Kyle, Kenny: Aaaaah! [they turn and run around in circles]\nBoy in green shirt: Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!\nStan: W-we weren't scared!\nBoy in green shirt: Oh no? Well, you should be! [walks towards them] The pirate ghosts are gonna come getcha!\nKyle: The what?\nBoy in green shirt: Didn't you know? There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts.\nKyle: Nuh-uh.\nBoy in green shirt: Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with their swords and hook-hands [molds his left hand into a hook] looking for victims tuh... [swipes it through the air] cut up!\nKenny: [Kyle gasps] (Hoh!)\nStan: That's just an old legend.\nPirate Ghost cutout: [pops up] Rar!\nStan, Kyle, Kenny: Aaaaah! [they turn and run around in circles]\nBoy in green shirt: [the cutout drops to reveal another friend] Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha! [both his friends flank him now] Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa! [the three move away]\nCartman: [arrives] You guys, my hand totally smells like spaghetti now. Smell it. [starts sniffing it]\nStan: I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time! We should come up with a way to scare them!\nKyle: Yeah! Let's see how they like it!\nScene Description: The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest\nDJ: Joining me now is Father Maxi, from the South Park Church. Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?\nPriest Maxi: Halloween is an abomination of God! A celebration of the occult-eh!\nDJ: Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, huh?\nPriest Maxi: KoRn is a devil-worshiping group that plays violent music! If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil!\nDJ: Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween! In the meantime [suddenly soft] here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.\nScene Description: The lake. The boys are still on the docks...\nStan: Come on, you guys, think! How can we scare the fifth graders? It has to be something reeaally scary.\nCartman: We could get a big scary plastic spider, and dangle it in front of them on a string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty scary.\nKyle: That's not scary, fatass!\nStan: Well, come on! We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts! [all turn left and walk off. As they walk towards the shore, they pass a shack. After they pass, three pirate ghosts peek out from behind the shack, scowling]\nPirate Ghosts: Darrrr!\nScene Description: The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads, \"KoRn.\" Several men inside it talk\nJonathan: Are you sure we're goin' the right way?\nDavid: I don't know. This map doesn't make any sense.\nHead: That's because you've got it upside down, chowderhead! [canned laughter]\nDavid: [spins the map around and realizes his error] Oops.\nFieldy: When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm starving.\nJonathan: Don't think about it. We'll just keep playing our game. Ready? I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter T!\nMunky: I know! A t-ree!\nJonathan: You've got it. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter R.\nDavid: A road?\nJonathan: That's it! [they pass the South Park Docks sign, and then the three pirate ghosts show up to watch]\nPirates: Darrrr!\nScene Description: further down the road...\nJonathan: Okay, here's one. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter P.\nHead: The letter P?\nFieldy: What the heck starts with the letter P?\nJonathan: [trembling] Puh-pirate ghosts! [the ghosts appear in front of the van]\nAll: Aaaaah! [the van swerves left to avoid the ghosts, but ends up going over a hillside. It finally settles upside down at the foot of the hill]\nScene Description: The Cartman house. Cartman walks towards the sofa with a catalog in hand\nCartman: Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog! I-I'm gonna circle everything I want for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay [sits on the sofa], let's see. [softly] I waant... thiis... aand... this... [a truck] and... [flips the page] let's see, comes with so... [the Phillip doll. The doorbell rings] ...comes with two bars [circles the boxed doll], so there we go, have that... [a door opens in the background] and, let's see...\nLiane: [walks up to him] Eric, your little friends are here.\nCartman: [excited, motions with the catalog] Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want for Christmas?\nLiane: E-heric, it's only Halloween.\nCartman: That's only 72 shopping days left for you!\nStan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fatass, we have to go!\nCartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Liane starts to giggle. Cartman is hurt] Mom, don't laugh.\nLiane: I'm sorry, hon,\nCartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.\nStan: Yes you can, porky. [Liane giggles again]\nCartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]\nLiane: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.\nKyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Liane bursts out laughing]\nCartman: God-damnit, mom!\nScene Description: Outside, night. The boys head out and away\nCartman: [closes the door] God, I hate you guys!\nStan: Okay, so we figured out how to scare the fifth graders.\nCartman: How?\nStan: What's the scariest thing we could get?\nCartman: [quietly] Spooky spider?\nStan: No! [turns, then says gravely] A dead body.\nKyle: Yeah, fatass, a dead body.\nCartman: You mean, we make something that looks like a dead body?\nStan: We could never make one that looks real enough. [his voice lowers] To be really scary, it would have to be real.\nKyle: Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be scary!\nCartman: So where the hell are we going to get a dead body?\nStan: [voice low] We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.\nKyle: Yeah, fatass, we're gonna dig up- [stops] Dig up Kyle's dead grandma??\nStan: [appeasing] Dude, she's perfect. She only died, like, three months ago, right?\nKyle: Are you insane?!\nCartman: U-hi think that's a sweet idea!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nKyle: Dude! We're not digging up my grandma; I'll get in trouble.\nStan: All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders, then put her back before anyone notices she's gone,\nKyle: [uneasy] Naww, let's dig up somebody else.\nStan: Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think about it: if your grandma knew that she could help you, even in death, she would want to.\nCartman: This is gonna be fun!\nScene Description: The graveyard. Spooky music and a howling wolf punctuate the foggy atmosphere as a full moon rises. Kyle leads the way with a flashlight. Cartman is singing\nCartman: Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' tooOutside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, and you, and you.\nStan: Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols? We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted!\nKyle: [shines his light on a tombstone] This must be it. \"Cleo Broflovski\" That's my grandma. [turns off the light. The boys have a moment of silence]\nStan: Well, let's dig 'er up! [walks to the grave and jabs his shovel in]\nKyle: Wait. I don't know if this is cool.\nStan: Of course it's cool! She's gonna be all rotted and scary!\nKyle: I don't think my mom would want me doin' this.\nCartman: [taunting] \"Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!\" [Kyle smacks him with the shovel] Ow.\nStan: You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna get back at the fifth graders or not?!\nKyle: I don't really care, dude.\nStan: Yes you do! Now, dig! [all four begin to dig]\nCartman: Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, \"You-hoo\"...\nScene Description: Later. The casket is now vertical, leaning against the tombstone\nStan: Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One, two, three! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.\nKyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, ...Grandma.\nA voice: Hi, Kyle.\nKyle: [hops back] Aaaah!\nCartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?\nKyle: Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!\nStan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.\nCartman: Heh heh, I'm sweet.\nKyle: Alright, alright, let's get this over with so we can put her back!\nStan: Okay, grab the sled. [Kenny goes and pulls it up. The others stand aside. When the sled abuts the casket, Cartman pulls at the corpse with his shovel, and it falls forward onto the sled]\nScene Description: The docks. A dog is sniffing at the boards, then raises his head. He growls and runs off stage left. The boys come in from the other side pulling the corpse, and Cartman sings\nCartman: Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city...\nStan: Okay. Let's just hide her here, and tomorrow, during the Halloween party, we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders.\nKyle: How exactly are we gonna use her to scare them?\nCartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: \"Rowr, rowr, I'm scary Grandma!\"\nKyle: Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's my grandma! You show her some God-damned respect!\nMale voice: [off screen] O-o-o-o-oh. [thunderclaps. The boys are afraid.]\nStan: Who was that?\nKyle: Cartman?!\nCartman: It wasn't me! [camera pans to the corpse]\nMale voice: Who-o-oa.\nStan: Dude, not cool. This is scary. [Some rustling, and a member of KoRn shows up]\nThe Boys: Wa-a-a-ah!\nMunky: Hey! Like, it's just some kids.\nJonathan: Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there, for a second.\nStan: Hay, you're that band KoRn.\nJonathan: Yeah. I'm Jonathan [with the high forehead], and this is Munky [with chiseled looks], David [with thick eyebrows], Fieldy [short, with white cap], and Head [with dreadlocks]. And over there is our pal, Nibblet. [the mates look around] Hey, where'd Nibblet go?\nNibblet: [a yellow bird with curled antennae and a great wing span ripping into a bag of chips] Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips.\nKoRn: Nibblet!\nNibblet: [stops] Okay.\nStan: What are you guys doing out here?\nHead: We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.\nStan: Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders.\nKyle: Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads.\nStan: Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em back.\nJonathan: Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here tomorrow. Do you know where the stage is?\nStan: [points to it] Yeah, dude. It's right over there.\nKoRn: O-kay! [they walk away and pass by the priest, who is nailing a post into place: \"Halloween is Anti-God.\" He stops.]\nJonathan: Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow.\nPriest Maxi: I know who you are and what you stand for! I think your music and Halloween is an abomination!\nJonathan: Groovy! Could you show us where to set up?\nScene Description: The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over to one side of a stack of boxes\nStan: Alright, let's just set her over here behind these boxes. [Cartman hides the body behind the boxes]\nKyle: Shouldn't we hide her better than that?\nStan: Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then, when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Grandma! Let's go! [they start walking away]\nKyle: Wait till you guys see my costume! It's gonna be sweet!\nKenny: (Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta win now!)\nCartman: Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a sweet costume! You're not gonna win the costume contest!\nKenny: (Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's waiting in the house! Yesterday I got this huge package in the mail, and it was big, okay?) [The dog returns and sniffs the body from a distance. It approaches slowly, sniffing. Then it lifts the covering and drags the body away.]\nScene Description: The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house. One of them rings the bell.\nSheila: Hold on, kids. [grabs the candy bowl next to the door and opens the door with it in hand]\nBrunet: Mrs. Broflovski?\nSheila: Yes?\nBrunet: We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could we have a word with you?\nSheila: Eehh, sure, come in. [they follow her in and sit on the sofa. She takes the armchair, and they look at each other] What is it?\nBrunet: Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled your mother's grave.\nSheila: Defiled? How?\nBlond: Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug her up.\nSheila: Dug her up? Why??\nBrunet: Well. The- most likely reason is that... somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.\nBlond: Yeahp.\nSheila: What?!\nBrunet: Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.\nBlond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.\nSheila: Hoh, dear God!\nBrunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.\nSheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.\nBlond: No-, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.\nSheila: [helplessly] O-o-o-o-oh!\nBrunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.\nBlond: Brace yourself.\nBrunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like - an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably-\nSheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!\nBrunet: ...Do?\nBlond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.\nBrunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.\nSheila: O-o-ogh! [gets up and walks away. The men just sit there]\nBrunet: [to the blond] Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place, so as not to allow further decomposition. [the blond indicates he's thinking by placing his index finger to his lips]\nScene Description: The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package and rings the bell. Cartman answers\nDelivery Man: Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?\nCartman: A package? Oh, really? Well, I think I can sign for that!\nDelivery Man: Sign heah, and heah, and heah. [Cartman signs and the delivery man goes away. Cartman closes the door and dances with glee]\nCartman: I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas present! [stops] ...Maybe I can see what it is. I'll just open one little corner. [lifts up a corner of the wrapping] Let's see here. [yanks the wrapping off and away] That's good, I'll rewrap it later! [the box reads, \"LIFESIZED Blow-Up ANTONIO BANDERAS LOVE DOLL. WITH REALISTIC GENITALIA\"] Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic geni-ta-lia. [takes the doll out] Oh, this kicks ass! What a cool Christmas present my mom got! [blows it up through the penis]\nScene Description: The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his booth\nDJ: It's Halloween day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes! [a ghost and Ultraman walk by while a joker stands next to the boxes. Stan and Kyle are nearby in their costumes]\nStan: [a cowboy sheriff in white] Where's Kenny? He said he had the best Halloween costume ever. [Kyle is a clown in a yellow jacket]\nCartman: [walks up with the doll and jingles] Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up doll. You guys didn't get one.\nStan: Where's your costume, fatass?\nCartman: Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas present! In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised, like \"Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll! What a surprise!\" [heavy machinery is heard, and the boys look up to see an ED-209 unit walking towards them. It stops, turns, and settles into place]\nStan: Hey, Kenny.\nKenny: (Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass cool costume.)\nCartman: U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think you're gonna win with that, huh!\nStan: [rushes his friends along] Alright. The fifth graders are gonna be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma! [Cartman goes for the sled] This is gonna be sweet\nCartman: [pulls out the sled, but the body is gone] Uuh, problem, guys.\nStan: What's the problem?\nCartman: Nno Grandma.\nKyle: No Grandma??\nCartman: Nno Grandma.\nKyle: [turns and reaches the sled. Stan turns as well] She's not here!\nStan: She has to be here! [Kenny meanders]\nKyle: Well, she's not here! That's just great! Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get me busted again!\nScene Description: City Hall, outside. Officer Barbrady stands behind a podium addressing the crowd\nBarbrady: Okay, people. I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you about thee- people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them. Gentlemen? [leaves. The watchmen step up]\nBrunet: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac. So that you all know what to expect, my partner Alan has a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like. [Alan shows the sketch]\nCrowd: Ee-oooh!\nBrunet: Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably best you not look at it. Now, Alan will demonstrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like. [Alan pulls out a jar of mayonnaise and jams his fist into it, proceeding to simulate the act. He begins to look surprised at what he's doing as his arm gets covered with mayonnaise]\nCrowd: Awwwgh! [Alan continues]\nMan: Excuse me, how is this helping?\nBarbrady: That's it, folks. Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt.\nPirate voice: Noo! Don't go to the docks! [the camera looks up to see a pirate ghost floating outside the Mayor's office] Aarrrgh! [the crowd gasps and screams] Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers had better stay away from the docks! Or else, there'll be hell to pay! [the crowd is afraid. Women scream] Fire the cannon! [a pirate ship appears high above the road, and a cannon goes off. The ball lands amid the crowd and leaves a crater. Bodies are strewn all over] Har harharharhar! [the crowd disperses. A couple runs into another pirate ghost]\nPirate Ghost 2: Arrrgh! [slices their heads off with his sword]\nCaptain Bly: We won't warn ya again! Stay away from our docks! [the pirates and their ship disappear]\nPriest Maxi: [rushed to the podium] I warned you! I told you this would happen! [survivors sit up and begin to look his way] When you allow bands like KoRn to come to town and play your hedonistic Halloween concerts, this is what you get!\nScene Description: The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.\nJonathan: Great rehearsal, gang. That was really groovy. Let's practice one more time before the show starts.\nDJ: Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled.\nJonathan: Cancelled?\nDJ: You best clear out of here! There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you. [leaves]\nJonathan: Well gang, it looks like we have to pack it up.\nThe Others: Awww. [Stan and friends walk towards the stage]\nKyle: God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we gonna do?!\nMunky: Oh, hey! The kids from last night.\nHead: Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll? [Kenny catches up with his friends]\nDavid: Hey, Kenny.\nKenny: [frustrated] (Aw, man!) [he can't impress anyone]\nJonathan: Say, what's the matter? You kids look kind of glum.\nKyle: Somebody took my dead grandma.\nFieldy: What?\nStan: We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then, something took her body away.\nKyle: Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo. [starts to sob]\nFieldy: Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.\nJonathan: Well, that does it. Somethin' funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.\nDavid: They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.\nJonathan: Huh?\nDavid: \"Pirate ghost\" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.\nMunky: No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.\nFieldy: You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.\nJonathan: But that makes them pirate ghosts.\nDavid: No. It makes them ghost pirates.\nMunky: Pirate ghosts!\nHead: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.\nJonathan: Pirate ghosts.\nKyle: Then, you'll help us?\nJonathan: Sure, we'll help you. If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solvin' a groovy mystery.\nThe Boys: Al-right!\nScene Description: City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives\nChef: Is everybody okay?\nSheila: [people gather around Chef] People stealing bodies to have sex with them? Pirate ghosts destroying the town? When did everything go so wrong?\nGerald: I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right. This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KoRn to come play.\nMr. Garrison: He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong in this town before that evil KoRn band showed up.\nSharon: Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshiping butts out of town!\nCrowd: Yeah! [various exclamations follow]\nRandy: Lynch mob! [torches and pitch forks appear and the crowd begins to move]\nMan: Down with KoRn!\nScene Description: Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking...\nJonathan: So this is where you last saw your dead grandma.\nKyle: Right. [Kenny walks along the shore way in the background]\nStan: Maybe there really are pirate ghosts and they took her inside.\nJonathan: Alright, gang, we have to split up and look for clues.\nStan: How should we split up?\nJonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life, which they can overcome, go this way, [points to his right] and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way. [points to his left]\nKoRn: O-kay! [the groups separates in two. In the secure group are Stan, Kyle, Jonathan, Munky, and Fieldy. In the insecure group are Cartman, Kenny, David, and Head]\nKyle: Wow! That was easy.\nScene Description: The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy reaches it first.\nRandy: [excitedly] Here's their van! Here's their van!\nWoman: Let's flip it over!\nSome Folks: Yeah!\nBarbrady: [moves to intervene] Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly. The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top. [the crowd moves in and starts pushing. Even Barbrady participates]\nMan: Devil worshipers! [the van tips over]\nCrowd: Yeah!\nMan 2: Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!\nScene Description: A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky is not with them.\nStan: This place gives me the creeps.\nJonathan: Say, this looks like a clue. [picks up a book: \"Pirate Lore of South Park, By A.R.R. Robbins\"] \"Pirate Lore of South Park.\" Hmmm. Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates? [something metallic falls]\nKyle: Whoa. What was that?\nJonathan: The noise came from in here. Stay close, everybody! [opens a door and goes in. The rest follow]\nFieldy: [runs into a supporting pole] Oh, no! I lost my glasses.\nScene Description: The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse. Munky is in that group now.\nHead: What does this dead grandma look like?\nCartman: Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff.\nDavid: Hey, I got an idea. [all stop] We should set a groovy trap.\nMunky: Good idea.\nCartman: How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?\nDavid: We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio Banderas love doll.\nCartman: [holds the doll tight] Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!\nMunky: Come on, kid. We all have to do our part, even Antonio.\nScene Description: The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his glasses\nFieldy: My glasses gotta be around here somewhere. [a peg-legged pirate ghost appears next to him] Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad to see you. I lost my glasses.\nPeg-leg: Raaarrrgh!\nFieldy: Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?\nPeg-leg: Raarraarrgh! [canned laughter]\nFieldy: Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, man! Remember that one! [more canned laughter]\nJonathan: [from the other end of the room] Fieldy, what are you doing?!\nFieldy: [turns to face him] Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan. ...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over there, then how could you be over here? Unless you're actually a...\nAll: Puh-puuhh pirate ghost! [all scatter]\nPeg-leg: Raaarrrgh!\nScene Description: The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set\nDavid: Okay. Here's how the trap will work. When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas. [the camera now follows the trap as David describes it] When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining cart, which should travel down this path, into the next room, where the fish net will fall on them.\nCartman: Wow, cool!\nMunky: Hey! Somebody's coming. [everyone jumps back behind some boxes]\nSecure Group: Aaaaah!\nStan: We've got to hide!\nJonathan: Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll help us. [calls out] Mr. Banderas!\nDavid: [peeks up] Jonathan, no!\nSecure group: [hits the slick] Aaaah! [the trap works exactly as David said it would]\nHead: Oh, no!\nSecure group: Aaaah! [the cart hits the wall and stops. The insecure group rushes in]\nStan: Ow!\nDavid: Hold on, guys! [the lynch mob, led by the watchmen, bursts through the doors and moves in on the group]\nBrunet: Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out of town! [the pirate ghosts appear]\nPirate Ghosts: Aarrrrgh.\nCrowd: [frightened] Aaaaaah!\nRandy: KoRn is sending their demon minions upon us!\nCrowd: [shrieking] Aaaaaah!\nJonathan: [to his band mates] Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KoRn powers. [the five members huddle and link hands to forearms] KoRn powers, vitalize! [starbursts abound as each member transforms]\nMunky: Munky!\nDavid: David!\nFieldy: Fieldy!\nHead: Head!\nJonathan: Jonathan!\nKoRn: Form of... CORN! [final starbursts give way to various corn products: two corncobs, a tub of popcorn, a can of creamed corn, and one corn kernel. The tub of popcorn swells and spits out several popped kernels. The townsfolk just stare and the corn products stay still. The pirates are seen staring. Soon, the products revert to the band mates]\nJonathan: Alright! Great job, gang! [The townsfolk stare]\nCartman: That didn't help at all.\nHead: We know. It's just cool to do.\nPirate Ghosts: Aarrrrgh!\nNibblet: [floating up to release the net] Nibblet! [releases the net, and it lands on the pirate ghosts]\nKoRn: [grateful] Nibblet!\nBarbrady: What the hell is that thing??\nDavid: You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!\nJonathan: [approaches the net] Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate ghosts really are! [the ghosts disappear, and he throws his palms up] Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts.\nBarbrady: [approaches with gun drawn] Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic shenanigans and come downtown with me!\nNibblet: [notices some twine hanging from two trap doors on the ceiling] Hehey, look what Nibblet sees. [pulls on the twine, and the doors open. Priest Maxi falls to the ground]\nPriest Maxi: Whoa! [lands with a thud]\nChef: What the...?\nMan: Father Maxi?\nPriest Maxi: [gets up] Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?! Arrest that band!\nBarbrady: Oh?\nJonathan: No! Arrest him!\nMob: Huh??\nJonathan: I think I've got this groovy mystery solved!\nScene Description: Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest is now under arrest\nChef: Well, I must say I still don't get this at all.\nJonathan: It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks.\nDavid: Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts. [shows the flashlight and swabs, then shines the light through the swabs. The pirate ghosts appear in the distance]\nFieldy: [with some cheese and a cup] Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese. [holds them to his mouth and sounds] Aaaaraargh!\nJonathan: And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels. [genuflects to place the candle between the mirror and the squirrels. A pirate ship appears on the lake]\nChef: Father, why did you go to all this trouble?\nPriest Maxi: Because Halloween is an abomination of God. I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!\nChef: Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?\nBrunet: Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?\nPriest Maxi: No.\nBarbrady: Okay buddy, you can explain downtown! [takes the priest away]\nSheila: Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!\nKyle: Yeah! Where's Grandma? [the dog walks in and begins regurgitating. First, the head comes out]\nMob: Eeewww! [the rest of the body comes out]\nStan: There she is!\nMob: Oooh!\nMan: Ho-hoh.\nChef: Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers really came through for us!\nSharon: Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you please play for our Halloween party?\nJonathan: Well, sure. Why the heck not?\nMob: All right! [the pirate cutout is hoisted up on two poles]\nPirate Voice: Raarrrr!\nStan: Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back! [the cutout shakes and falls away, revealing Nibblet]\nAll: Nibblet!\nNibblet: Uh oh!\nScene Description: The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert. The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the mic.\nJonathan: Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did too. You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but, really, we're just normal guys. And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, they were just cotton swabs. So I guess the lesson is: it's easy to perceive somethin' someway, and then be wrong. So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive.\nAll: [reflecting] Yeah.\nJonathan: The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes goes a little somethin' like this:And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into \"Falling Away From Me.\" The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd, and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]\nStan: Boo!\nFifth Graders: Aaaah! [they run away]\nStan, Kyle: Sweet! [Nibblet floats up to the Antonio Banderas blow-up doll and punctures it. It deflates, alerting Cartman]\nCartman: Antonio, no! [sees Nibblet and goes after it] You son of a bitch chicken from outer space... thing, come back here! [KoRn continues playing. At another part of the docks, Mr. Garrison holds court over the Halloween Costume Contest. Kenny is present]\nMr. Garrison: And the winner of the costume contest is [reads the name] Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! Come on up, Wendy. [she rushes up and stands next to him]\nKenny: [droops] (Awww.)\nScene Description: End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery... Wait a minute! Dejected, Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to stumble\nKenny: (What the hell? What the fuck is this?!) [two more speeders fly by and bomb him to bits, and rats converge on him.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Episode starts with Cartman watching TV and snacking on something. Kitty walks up.\nKitty: Reowr.\nCartman: No, Kitty, these are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked Chicken Tenders!\nKitty: Reowr.\nCartman: No, Kitty! [the TV screen shows a blond Ash-like figure surrounded by three little monsters]\n\"Ash\": Someday, I will collect all the Chinpokomon, then I will fight the Evil Power that will reveal itself once all the Chinpokomon are collectable, [tilts his head to one side] oh?\nKitty: Roar?\nCartman: [affecting an anime look] No, Kitty, you can't have these chicken tenders, because they are mine, and I keep mine to myself, oh?\nAnnouncer: Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of... Chinpokomon.\nCartman: [exults] Hooray! [hops off the sofa and begins to walk away...]\nAnnouncer: Hey kids! [Cartman turns to look at the TV] Do you love Chinpokomon?\nCartman: Yes.\nAnnouncer: Well, now you can buy your very own! [the little monsters begin to flash across the screen]\nSinger: I got to buy ChinpokomonI got to buy it, I got to buy it! [six Chinpokomon appear]\nAnnouncer: [more Chinpokomon appear...] Now you can collect them all. Furrycat, Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe, Lambtor. Collect them all, and you can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.\nCartman: Royal Crown Chinpoko Master? Holy shit!\nAnnouncer: All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.\nJapanese Woman: [dressed in business attire] Chinpokomon is soo-peh-rior rubbeh toy, Nuhmbah 1!\nSinger: I got to buy it! Chinpo-ko-mon!\nCartman: [turns off TV and rushes to the kitchen, tossing the chicken tenders away] Mom! Mom!\nScene Description: Kitchen. Liane is at the sink. Cartman rushes in and runs circles around her legs.\nCartman: [pants] Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy store, Mom. Now! Must go! Toy store!\nLiane: Eric, calm down. [genuflects and restrains him]\nCartman: Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!\nLiane: What is it, Eric?\nCartman: [breathless] Mom-Mom! I've only just heard. They're making Chinpokomon dolls, mom. You can collect them all. You can collect them all, Mother; quick, come on. Let's go to the toy store!\nLiane: [stands up and turns to the counter] I'm making you some lunch right now, Eric.\nCartman: [stops] ...But Mom, I have to get Chinpokomon dolls before everybody else does, 'cause then I'll be coo-oo-ool.\nLiane: Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?\nCartman: [shriek] ...But Mom, I have to get the first one, or else people won't think I'm coo-oo-ool!\nLiane: Alright! let's go. [heads towards the front door. Cartman follows]\nCartman: Sweet.\nScene Description: Toy store, \"TOYS.\" Cartman and Liane approach it.\nCartman: Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous when they see my Chinpokomon. [Liane opens the door, and both are shocked to find the store full of kids looking around and walking with Chinpokomon dolls. The class is there...]\nButters: Wuh-I love Chinpokomon.\nGirl: [amid the din] Give it to me!\nBoy: Give it here!\nBoy: [fighting with Bradley Biggle over a Chinpokomon doll] Give me that!\nCartman: Oh, god damnit! [walks in and runs into Stan]\nStan: Hey, fatass.\nCartman: Hey, dickhole. I guess you saw the commercial, too.\nStan: Yep. I got Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe.\nCartman: Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin. He's the cutest. [walks to the Pengin canister and finds it empty] God damnit, there's no more Pengins! [Kenny walks over with one] Kenny, Pengin is my favorite. That's the last one. Let me have it. [starts pulling]\nKenny: (Nuh uh.) [pulls back. Tug-of-war]\nCartman: C'mon.\nKenny: (Nuh uh!)\nCartman: C'mon, Kenny. Let me ha-\nKenny: (No!)\nCartman: C'mon.\nKenny: (No!)\nCartman: C'mon. Give me Pengin!\nKenny: (No! This is mine!)\nCartman: C'mon!\nScene Description: Checkout counter. Sharon is ready to pay for some Chinpokomon. Liane has one, too. Sharon turns to Liane.\nSharon: Honestly, I don't see what they find so amusing about those things.\nLiane: They're so strange. Where are they from?\nCashier: Well, it's some new big thing from Japan. I tell you, those Japanese really know how to market to kids.\n\"Ash\": [on a TV screen] I've got to collect all Chinpokomon. I've got to collect them all so I can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master, oooh? [static]\nJapanese woman: Own-ah Chinpokomon, and-ah you vill-ah have-ah happy feelings-eh. [static]\n\"Ash\": I have to become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.\nKids: [recite as they disperse] Must collect Chinpokomon.\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The boys stand around with their Chinpokomon. Kyle is missing.\nCartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi for your Pengin.\nKenny: (Fuck you!)\nCartman: God damn it, you're supposed to trade, you little asshole! Give me Pengin!\nKyle: [arrives at the bus stop] Hey dudes. [notices] What are those?\nStan: What are these? They're Chinpokomon!\nKyle: Huh?\nCartman: [haltingly] You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon?\nKyle: No, but look. I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll.\nCartman: Oh, please! Cyborg Bill is so yesterday.\nStan: Yeah, like ancient history.\nKyle: Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?\nStan: No, dude!\nCartman: Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle.\nKyle: Why the hell don't people tell me these things?!\nCartman: It's all Chinpokomon now.\nStan: Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you can complete the Primary Main Objective.\nKyle: What's the Primary Main Objective?\nCartman: You don't even know what the Primary Main Objective is?\nStan: The Primary Main Objective is to destroy the Evil Power.\nKyle: Well, what's the Evil Power?\nStan: [exasperated] Ogh..!\nCartman: [exasperated] Oh, my God..! The identity of the Evil Power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon are collected by a Royal Crown Chinpoko Master!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Duhhh!\nStan: Yeah, get with the times, dude. [turns and walks away with Cartman and Kenny]\nCartman: Duhhh!\nKyle: [throws down Cyborg Bill] Shit!\nScene Description: Broflovski residence. Sheila and Gerald are talking on the sofa. Ike sits to Gerald's left.\nGerald: Yeah, I guess so.\nKyle: [enters] Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?\nSheila: What's a Chinpokomon?\nKyle: I'm not sure.\nSheila: Well, why do you need one?\nKyle: I don't know.\nSheila: ...Well then, the answer is no, Kyle. You just got money to buy your Cyborg Bill doll.\nKyle: Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now. Please Mom? Everybody else has Chinpokomon.\nGerald: Well, Kyle, that's not a reason to buy something.\nIke: Neah Kyle doh.\nGerald: You see, son, fads come and go. And this \"Chin-po-ko-mon\" is obviously nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, \"I'm not going to be a part of this fad, because I'm an individual.\" Do you understand?\nKyle: Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.\nGerald: Hm... Good point; here's $10. [hands it to him]\nKyle: Thanks.\nGerald: Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, too. [Kyle receives the other $10 and walks out]\nIke: Hey, Chih-paw-ko.\nScene Description: Toy store. Kyle has just purchased a Lambtor.\nCashier: [hands him the doll] There you go, son. I honestly don't know what you see in these things.\nKyle: Neither do I. [turns and walks out.]\nCashier: [closes the door and turns off the lights] I guess I'll call it a night. [heads towards the back]\nA voice: Chinpoko! [the cashier turns] Buy me! Buy me! [the cashier heads for the Chinpokomon display] When will you become Royal Chinpoko Master? [the cashier gets a Lambtor and squeezes it, making a little squeak.] Hurry up and buy me. [squeeze] Down with America!\nCashier: What? [squeeze]\nLambtron: I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy the capitalistic American government.\nCashier: What the hell is goin' on here?\nScene Description: Cartman residence, next day. The boys are engaged in a video game. Again, Kyle is absent.\nKyle: [enters] Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon doll!\nCartman: Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so last week.\nKyle: What?\nStan: Yeah, dude. Don't you know? It's all about the Chinpokomon video game now. Did you bring your special Chinpokomon game controller?\nKyle: [a little lost] Huh? No.\nCartman: [haltingly] Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon game controller. T-heh heh heh heh. Jehesus C-hrist! [Cartman presses \"START\" on game controller]\nAnnouncer: Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?\nStan/Kenny/ Cartman: To destroy the Evil Power!\n\"Ash\": I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon so I can destroy the Evil Power, oooh?\nStan/Kenny/ Cartman: Oooh?\nKyle: Damnit! [walks out]\n\"Ash\": I've got to buy them all, so first I'd better go to Hawaii and visit Pearl Harbor.\nJapanese woman: [pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Deddy? [vanishes]\n\"Ash\": Go! [\"GO\" pops up, and the boys are furiously maneuvering their controllers]\nKenny: (Hey, you guys...) [the boys bomb the harbor, grunting all the while]\n\"Ash\": I must buy them all! I must buy them all!\nStan/Kenny/ Cartman: We must buy them all! [they finish the first round of bombing and fly away]\nJapanese woman: [pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! [drops down. The second round begins and the bombing is more intense. Kenny begins to convulse and finally drops off the sofa. Play stops as Cartman and Stan look on with shock]\nStan: Dude, the video game gave Kenny a seizure!\nCartman: Cool! This game rules!\nScene Description: Japan; Chinpokomon Company, outside. An inside shot looks to the main doors as they open, and one man walks in.\nCashier: Hello-o? Ey, hello? [a monitor drops down from above]\nJapanese woman: [on screen] Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon. Purease state a-name.\nCashier: Rr-Red Harris? I own a toy store in America?\nJapanese woman: Purease state the puhpose-uh.\nRed: Uh, I wanna know what the hell you people are doing with these dolls, talkin' about bringin' down American government and all? [the monitor is pulled up in a hurry, and an elevator rises from the floor. The doors open and two men walk towards him.]\nTaller man: I am President Hirohito. And-ah, this is Mr. Ose.\nMr. Ose: [nods forward] Peased to meet you.\nPresident Hirohito: We unduhstand you have big concern about our fine pro-duct.\nRed: Oh, eh-yes. Do you mind tellin' me what the hell this is about? [squeezes Lambtor]\nLambtor: The American government lies to you! Join the fight for Japanese supremacy of the world! More to come. [the two men remain silent]\nRed: Well?\nMr. Ose: Uuuh.\nPresident Hirohito: That is so sturange. [takes Lambtor from Red] I do not a-know how this could happen. But urest assured, I will make sure [glares sideways at Mr. Ose] it does not happong again!\nRed: Well, now, come on, I don't think that that quite satisfies my-\nPresident Hirohito: You are American?\nRed: Yes.\nPresident Hirohito: [begins to gesture] Ogh! You must have very big pee-anis!\nRed: Excuse me? I was just asking you what you're up to with these toys!\nPresident Hirohito: Nothing. We are very simple people. With very small penis. Mr. Ose penis is ...especially small.\nMr. Ose: [fakes a sob] Uh, smuh, so small.\nPresident Hirohito: We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you! Americans. Wow! Penis so big! Soo big penis!\nRed: [flattered] Well uh, he-I guess it is a pretty good size.\nMr. Ose: Minna-san, kite kite! [\"Everyone, come come!\" A group of Japanese women move in, chattering] This-a man has veh-ry big penis! [the women applaud, Red grins big]\nWoman 1: Take takeru o da ne? [\"It's rather large, isn't it?\"]\nWoman 2: Hai. [\"Yes.\"]\nMr. Ose: Uh, hoh, what an-whoa immense penis-uh!\nRed: Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folk, I just wanted to bring that little malfunction to your attention. Bye-bye now.\nPresident Hirohito: Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, with your gargantuan penis. [Red walks out humming happily. After a moment Hirohito looks angrily at Mr. Ose] Dame, dame da. [\"Its over. Its all over.\" The women quickly exit the room. He slaps the back of Mr. Ose's head] Naze kono chippu o soto wo detanda? [\"Why did you let this chip get outside?\"]\nMr. Ose: Wa, wakarimasen, shachou-san. Mondai desu ne. [\"I, I don't know, president. This is going to be a problem, isn't it?\"]\nPresident Hirohito: Seki ni shou yoube! [\"Prepare a sit down meeting!\"]\nMr. Ose: Hai. Hai, shachou-san. [\"Yes. Yes, president.\" He bows out]\nScene Description: The Cartman house, night. Kitty roars outside. Cartman is asleep, but tossing...\nCartman: I've got to buy Chinpokomon... I've got to... buy them... Must buy Chinpokomon...\nScene Description: His Chinpokomon sends up an antenna, which sends out a signal, which goes out the window and joins other signals at a point in space. Then the merged signals go to a satellite, which bounces them to Japan. The signals reach the Chinpokomon Toy Corporation's rooftop satellite dish and split up to show each Chinpokomon in its own screen on the company's video wall. President Hirohito is talking to his board of directors under heavy guard.\nPresident Hirohito: Amerika no kodomo minna ga Chinpokomon mo motte ima na. \"Phase two\" kaishi suru toki da. IKIMASHOO! [\"All the children in America already own Chinpokomon now. It is time to begin \"Phase two\" . LET'S GO!\" The soldiers set their rifles] The time has come! We will take Pearl Harbor!\nScene Description: Marsh residence, next day. A TV is on: \"I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!\" Sharon sits on the sofa looking at the cartoon.\nRandy: [walks up] What are you doing?\nSharon: I'm watching one of Stanley's Chinpokomon video tapes.\nRandy: Why?\nSharon: Our son loves this show, Randy, so I think it's important that we watch it to see if it's teaching him good moral values. [Randy sits]\n\"Ash\": [addressing a robot rooster] Hey, you must be Roostor! I haven't bought one of you yet, but I'll bet you can transform into Roostallion if you found Diamond Skill 7! [picks it up and squeezes]\nRoostor: Roo-oo-oostor! [a teen boy in black body suit emblazoned with an 8 appear]\n\"Eight\": [does the following as he speaks] Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and put it in this bag, where it will flourish or expire, depending on fate!\n\"Ash\": Hey! Is that a good idea?\n\"Eight\": Roostors aren't like Chuchunezumis. They haven't the heart for such endeavors.\n\"Ash\": Oooh? [Randy and Sharon look lost]\nRandy: ...Are those good moral values?\nSharon: I don't know what the hell they're talking about.\nScene Description: Hours later. Randy and Sharon watch a battle scene in disbelief.\n\"Ash\": Lambtron! You are losing the battle of your life! [Lambtron battles Furrycat]\nNarrator: But Lambtron's powers also give him a good chance for a new fight. Will he succeed?\n\"Ash\": I am sad now, because Lambtron must be very lonely because there are so few Lambtrons in the world. Will he ever find a companion?\nSharon: This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things supposed to be animals or robots or what?\nRandy: I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all.\nSharon: Randy, we can't allow our son to watch this stuff!\nRandy: Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent.\nSharon: No, but it's incredibly stupid, and that could be worse on a child's mind than any vulgarity or violence. Remember what Battle of the Network Stars did to an entire generation.\nRandy: [solemnly] My God, you're right.\nScene Description: South Park, by Tom's Rhinoplasty, day. Cartman is strumming a guitar. A sign on the case reads: \"Please HELP...Boys Sent to camp\".\nCartman: Come on, brothers and sistersWe've all got to join togetherJoin together and give me moneySo I can buy more Chinpokomon!We've got to stop this fight and...\nStan: [arrives with Kenny] How's it goin', fat ass?\nCartman: I haven't made any money yet.\nStan: What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?\nCartman: Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with this gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend! What have you two assholes done?!\nStan: We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure. [moves Kenny so the glazed eyes can be seen]\nKyle: [rushes up with a new item] I got it! I got my Chinpokomon game controller! [Tthe others look at him and then laugh]\nCartman: Jesus tap dancing Christ! Get with the program, Kyle!\nStan: Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon video games anymore. Now it's all about the big weekend Chinpokomon camp.\nKyle: Camp?\nCartman: [sighs] The makers of Chinpokomon are going town to town and putting on a special camp to show all the Chinpoko Masters how to destroy the Evil Power.\nStan: You didn't know that?\nKyle: [quickly saving face] No, uh-I knew it! I knew it. I was just testing you guys. You just wait till I get to that Chinpokomon camp! I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all! So we'll see you there, a-ight? [turns and walks away]\nStan: Dude, did you just say \"a-ight\"?\nKyle: [turns back] Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?\nCartman: Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!\nStan: Yeah, dude. Nobody says \"a-ight\" anymore.\nKyle: What?? \"A-ight\"'s not cool, either? When did that happen?\nCartman: Like, eight days ago.\nKyle: God damnit! [turns and hurries away]\nScene Description: Marsh residence, night. Living room. The Marshes, the Broflovskis, Liane, the McCormicks, and the Tweeks watch an Chinpokomon advertisement.\nAnnouncer: Hey, kids! [Furrycat appears] Only one more day till the Chinpokomon camp! [\"Ash\" and \"Eight\" appear] Come early and enjoy all the Chinpoko fun! [\"Chinpokomon CAMP\" is placed over Furrycat, then a violet gorilla appears]\nSinger: Chinpokomon Camp!I've got to buy a ticket!I've got to buy one! A ticket!I've got to buy buy buy!\nJapanese woman: [pops in from the side] It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday. You can'ta wait to go! [moves out]\nSinger: Chinpokomon! [the TV clicks off]\nSharon: We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention because, honestly, we don't know how to feel.\nLiane: Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp. I mean, it seems to me this Chinpokomon thing is just another harmless fad.\nSheila: Yeah. We told Kyle he could go if he did all his chores, and he did.\nRandy: [concerned] Now, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism is good for our boys.\nSheila: Well, you know how it is, Randy. The more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons, the more they're gonna love them.\nSharon: You're right, Sheila. I guess the best thing we can do is just let them go until they get sick of it.\nSheila: Sure. Apparently, they've been doing these camps in every city around the country; how bad can they be?\nScene Description: Chinpokomon camp. A huge temple looms over the crowd of kids. Three huge screens display the Chinpokomon program. Soldiers guard the screens and the central stairway. Stan and friends move through the crowd. Several classmates are already there.\nCartman: Get outta the way! Move it!\nStan: Can you see anything? [the gorilla Chinpokomon appears onscreen]\nKids: Yay!!! [applause]\nStan: It's starting, it's starting!\nSinger: I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon! [the kids continue to cheer and clap. Mr. Ose takes center stage]\nMr. Ose: Attention! Attention! [the kids quiet down] This isa Chinpokomon Camp!\nKids: Chinpokomon is what we strive to be great at in our hearts!\nKyle: ...our hearts. [looks left] Kenny? [Kenny stands motionless]\nMr. Ose: What is the Primary Main Objective?\nKids: To destroy the Evil Power!\nKyle: ...Power.\nMr. Ose: Yesuh. Anda what is the Evil Power? [no one answers] The Evil Power is the United States gorvernment! [the three screens display the U.S. flag. The kids stay silent]\nCartman: Ohhh.\nMr. Ose: United Statesuh government is the Evil Power! It hasa taken Japanese Americans! It hasa broken Japanese spirit! And what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil Power?!\nKids: Destroy it!\nKyle: Destroy it?\nMr. Ose: That isa correct! Now, it isa great honor to present... your Chinpoko Leaduh! Emperor Hirohito! [a gong is heard, and Mr. Ose claps a few times]\nEmperor Hirohito: [President Hirohito in shogun attire takes center stage] Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it knows and honors that the greatness of Japan is in its history, and it is based on that history that we shall again rise to the dominant world powuh!\nCartman: Is this cool or not? I can't tell.\nEmperor Hirohito: It is again time for the Rising Sun to sit tall in the sight! One Japan! One society! [walks off. Mr. Ose claps and takes the mike]\nMr. Ose: We will begin witha language anda exercise skills. Hajimete!! [\"Begin!\" Two instructors walk up]\nInstructors: [doing squats] Ichi, ni, san, shi! [\"1, 2, 3, 4!\"]\nKids: Ichi, ni, san, shi! Ichi, ni, san, shi! [\"1, 2, 3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4!\"]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids are chatting away happily in Japanese. All have anime expressions.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class shuts up] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?\nStan: Juuhachi desu ka? [\"Isn't it eighteen?\"]\nClass: Juuhachi da nee! [\"Eighteen it is!\"]\nMr. Garrison: No, goddammit, it's eighteen!!\nStan: Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san.\nMr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!\nCartman: Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana. [\"Ooo, Mr. Garrison is such an asshole!\"]\nMr. Garrison: What did he say?!\nStan: He said, \"Garrison-san sabuchii da naa.\"\nClass: Soo desu nee! [\"That's right!\"]\nMr. Garrison: Damnit, this is not Japan!!\nCartman: Minna-san! Kite kite, churi... [farts. The class laughs]\nWendy: Dare ga pu shita no. [\"Who farted?\"]\nMr. Garrison: Aggghhh! [rushes out of the room amid the kids' laughter]\nScene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The parents are gathered in it.\nMayor: People, please! We can only speak one at a time. Now, Mr. Garrison, you were saying...\nMr. Garrison: I can't take it, Mayor. You have to put an end to this Chinpoko Camp.\nSharon: [Randy holds her] My son hasn't made any sense in days.\nPriest Maxi: I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are trying to change our American children somehow!\nMayor: Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose were nice enough to stop by to talk to you. Gentlemen? [Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose step up]\nPresident Hirohito: We at the Japan Toy Company are vetty cohncerned about-a your cohncerns. That is why we make Chinpokomon camp.\nRandy: Well, how is it good?! We don't understand what the point of your product is!\nPresident Hirohito: There is nothing to worry about. We at Japan Toy Company are in awe of your large penis.\nMr. Garrison: What?\nPresident Hirohito: You see, Japanese penis so small. [holds his hands about an inch apart]\nMr. Ose: [set his index finger an inch from his thumb] So-eh small.\nPresident Hirohito: You Americans have such humungous burbous penis.\nMr. Garrison: Well, uh-I guess that's true.\nMr. Ose: Oh, suh-n nice-a big penis American.\nPresident Hirohito: What can we possubruh do with such small penis? We cannot take over your city, filled witha men awith such mastodonic penis.\nJimbo: Huwell, uh he's got a point there.\nRandy: Well, I guess that settles that.\nPriest Maxi: We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen.\nPresident Hirohito: [bowing with Mr. Ose] Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance to be in same room with big American penis. [exits]\nMr. Ose: Uh-uh, my penis so small. [exits]\nPriest Maxi: Nice guys. [the door closes]\nScene Description: City Hall, outside the Mayor's Office.\nPresident Hirohito: Jikan ga nai. Sugu ni bara de shimaou. Shikashi, itsu baru shinkuro isoga reba. [\"Time is short. Those people will discover our plan soon. We must finish quickly.\"]\nScene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The men and women have split into two groups by gender. Sharon speaks.\nSharon: So, what are we going to do about our children? [the men smile down at their crotches] Ahhh, hello-o?\nMayor: O-kay, people. I know this Chinpuku Man fad is causing a lot of problems. But I think we've already found a solution.\nLiane: You have?\nMayor: Children are fickle. [thump] All we have to do is come up with a new fad. We find the next toy and turn them all onto it as soon as possible.\nSharon: Of course! That's a great idea!\nSheila: But what toy?\nScene Description: South Park Market Research Laboratories, a nondescrpt building. A big-screen TV is shown, flanked by two lab techs. Then a sofa is shown, with Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters.\nLab Tech 1: Alright, boys, we're going to show you a couple of commercials, and you tell us which toy interests you the most. Now, watch carefully. [the first one comes on]\nAnnouncer: Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?\nBoys: Yeah!\nAnnouncer: Well then, you're gonna go wild for [echo comes on as a weird bike is shown] Wild Wacky Action Bike! [a bike with two single-arm handles, one attached to each wheel, and two lumpy side wheels]\nSinger: Wild Wacky Action Bike!The bike that's hard to ride!\nAnnouncer: [a boy runs to the bike and hops on, trying to figure out how to steer it. He shrugs] Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible to steer. And it glows in the dark.\nSinger: Goin' to try to ride all day long, but I'm goin' to fail'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!\nBoy: [manages to steer it, but runs into some cones] Man... [then steers it well enough down the street]\nSinger: You can't ride it, you can't ride itWild Wacky Action Bike!\nBoy: Aaagg-agh-! [ends up under a truck. A cloud of steam rushes out on impact]\nAnnouncer: Wild Wacky Action Bike comes with everything you see here. [the boys say nothing for a while, then...]\nCartman: ...Gay.\nStan: Yeah, dude. That was totally gay.\nLab Tech 1: Ohhh. [writes \"GAY\" under \"Wild Wacky Action Bike\" on his \"Test Results\" pad and underlines it] Wuh-okay, here's the next one.\nAnnouncer: Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?\nBoys: Yeah!\nAnnouncer: Well then, you're gonna love... Alabama Man! [\"ALABAMA MAN\" over the Confederate flag, then Alabama Man is shown with bowling ball and beer can]\nSinger: Alabama ManHe's quick, he's strong, he's active.\nAnnouncer: You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley, where he drinks heavily and chews tobacco. [A little bowling alley is shown, with Alabama Man standing on a platform that connects to the alley by a ramp. Behind that sits a woman doll keeping score]\nBoy 1: [watching Alabama Man swing a bowling ball] Wow! He can bowl. [presses a button, releasing the bowling ball. It goes down the bowling alley and knocks six pins down]\nSinger: He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink and bowlAlaba-ma Man!\nAnnouncer: When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the action button, [Alabama Man is made to knock her down] and Alabama Man busts her lip open.\nBoy 1: [with Alabama Man. Boy 2 has his wife] Shut up, bitch! [has Alabama Man knock his wife down]\nBoy 2: Wow!\nSinger: He beats up his wife and sleeps it offAlabama Man!\nBoys 1/2: I wanna be just like Alabama Man.\nAnnouncer: Alabama Man comes with everything you see here. Wife sold separately.\nBoy 2: I thought I told you to shut up! [has Alabama Man knock his wife down with a backhand]\nAnnouncer: Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters. [Again, the boys stay silent]\nCartman: Gay.\nStan: Totally gay.\nKyle: Liberace gay.\nLab Tech 1: [writes \"GAY\" under \"Alabama Man\" and underlines it twice] Oooh, dear. Well, let's keep trying. How about this? [cuts into an actual commercial...]\nScene Description: South Park, next weekend. The adults are lined up on either side of Main Street as Mr. Ose leads the kids through the town. Japanese flags, a poster of President Hirohito, and red flags are being paraded.\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! Nihon ima hajimaru! [\"Its fate is now to become Japan!\"]\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nSharon: Stan?\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nSharon: Stan, it's Mommy! [starts to move with the troops]\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nMr. Ose: Owatta!\nSharon: Stanley-\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nSharon: -you need to come home right now.\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nSharon: Mommy misses you.\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nSharon: Stanley, I'm talking to you!\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"Down with\"] [Sharon steps in and takes Stan's hand. The troops gather round, forcing her back] Hoh!? [\"Ohh!?]\nSharon: [pleading] Stan, please, come home!\nStan: Kore wa watashi no uchi desu. [\"This is my home now.\"]\nKids: So desu née. [\"That's right.\"]\nMr. Ose: Ooh? [resumes his position. Sharon looks betrayed] Do not worry. Everything isa okay.\nSharon: No, it's not okay!\nMr. Ose: Oh, but-a you have-a such large penis-uh. [behind him, Stan has a fierce expression on his face]\nSharon: What?\nMr. Ose: Your penis, wooww- [President Hirohito walks up and slaps him] O-oh..!\nPresident Hirohito: What he means is that all men in this town have very large penis. [all the men smile at the compliment]\nSharon: Can't you see what's happening?! They're just using that talk to distract you! He doesn't really have a small penis!\nPresident Hirohito: Misenasai! [\"Show them!\" Mr. Ose takes down his pants. The people are shocked, and he pulls them up again.]\nSharon: Oh! [the march resumes]\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with \"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nMr. Ose: Owatta! [\"Down with\"]\nKids: Beikoku! [\"the U.S.A.!\"]\nGerald: Oh God, is there nothing we can do?\nSharon: [turns to face the adults] Wait a minute... Wait a minute, I think I know the answer! I know how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon! [the last of the troops leaves]\nSheila: How?\nSharon: Come on! We don't have much time! [leads the adults away]\nScene Description: Washington, D.C.; the White House.\nReporter: And now, for a special announcement from the President of the United States.\nPresident Clinton: [from the Oval Office] My fellow Americans, I wish to address the concerns many of us have over the growing number of Japanese military bases forming in the United States. The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, has made our own children into fighter pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning, and he assured me that I have a very large penis. He said it was mammoth, dinosauric, and absolutely dwarfed his penis, which, he assured me, was nearly microscopic in size. My penis, he said, was most likely one of the biggest on the planet. I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty. Thank you.\nScene Description: A Japanese military base. Eighteen planes and 39 troops are seen. The kids stand at attention. Kyle is missing.\nMr. Ose: Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor! When you arrive you will drop many bombs!\nKids: Hai, shachou-san. [\"Yes, Mr. President.\" The kids part to the planes. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny run into the adults]\nStan: Nan da kore? [\"What's this?\"]\nRandy: Chinpoko ga dai-suki yo! [\"We're crazy about this Chinpoko stuff.\" All the adults carry Chinpokomon now]\nStan: What?\nRandy: Uh, we just came to support you. We love Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy, number 1!\nStan: You like it?\nMr. Garrison: You bet. I think Chinpokoman is chinpokorrific. I got Shoe.\nLiane: Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your Roostor with my Donkeytron.\nCartman: Uh... no, that's okay, Mom.\nPresident Hirohito: Whar are they doing?!\nMr. Ose: It's a trick!\nRandy: Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker. [\"MY KID IS A CHINPOKOKID\" with a smiling kid's face on the left end, and a Lambtron on the right. Randy walks to it and kneels to display it] Isn't that cool?\nStan: [holding a Chuchunezumi] No. [the adults laugh, and he throws the Chuchunezumi away] Screw this, dude. [starts walking out]\nCartman: Where are you going, Stan?\nStan: Huh, I don't know. Chinpokomon just doesn't seem that cool anymore. I'm gonna go kill some ants or something. [walks away]\nCartman: Wait for me, I wanna get out of these stupid clothes. [follows]\nOther kids: Yeah. Me too! Me too. [each one tosses a Chinpokomon onto a pile and leaves the airfield. A Lambtron lands on its side and a kid steps on it. The adults cheer.]\nPresident Hirohito: [grabbing his head in frustrated disbelief] Nooo!!\nRandy: Well, you were right, Sharon. The best way to make our kids not like something is to like it ourselves.\nSharon: That's right. Anything we like is instantly not cool. [turns to Mr. Garrison] We know how to take them out, Mr. Garrison. Spread the word! Get on the wire to every parent around the country and tell them how to bring those sons of bitches down! [he walks over to a telegraph machine and starts spreading the word]\nStan: Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little nutty with that Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have $5 to buy a football?\nSharon: You bet, Stanley! [a fighter plane has left its spot and appears before the crowd. Kyle is in the cockpit]\nKyle: Owatta Beikoku! [\"Down with the U.S.A.!\"] [the adults are stunned]\nSheila: Kyle, it's over!\nKyle: But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master!\nStan: [flatly] Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore.\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Yeah, dude, that's way over. [a rat is on Kenny, trying to nibble]\nKyle: Dude, you're just jealous because I'm Chinpoko Master!\nStan: No, Kyle. You see, we learned something today. This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed the group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did. And look at the damage it caused.\nKyle: So now I should stop liking Chinpokoman because you all don't?\nStan: ...Ye-eah.\nKyle: But if I stop now, I'll just be going with the group again. So, to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya. [moves forward]\nStan: Oh... Wait. [walks with the plane] Actually, I was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something, just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy, sometimes.\nKyle: Aw, screw it; I'm too confused. [turns the power off and hops out of the plane. Mr. Garrison walk away]\nRandy: Well, I'm sure glad this is all over.\nCartman: [sees rats on Kenny and swats them off] Hey, get offa him! He's not dead yet!\nScene Description: Bus Stop, next day. The four boys are waiting. The rats return and crawl all over Kenny.\nCartman: Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats! He's not dead yet!\nStan: Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store after school and get some Spaceman Greg cards?\nKyle: Naw, I think I'm through with fads for a while.\nCartman: Me, too. [Kenny starts to tremble] I'm choosing my own toys from now on, 'cause- [Kenny falls and trembles harder. The others watch]\nStan: What the..? [Kenny's body rips open and a bunch of rats crawl out of him.]\nCartman: Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gro-hoss! [Stan and Kyle laugh as Cartman looks on, the credits play the instrumental theme that played in the Wild Wacky Action Bike & Alabama Man commercials]\nSinger: (over the Braniff Airlines logo) Bye bye buh-buh-buh-buh-buh chicken!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Liane brings a box into the dining room.\nLiane: [sets the box down on the floor] Eric, Mommy got you a present!\nCartman: [suddenly excited] A present?? Is it a rocket racer?? No, let me guess: It's a Frogman Jay doll! No wait, I know! It's a police power chopper!\nLiane: Nnno, I got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow.\nCartman: [drops and sighs heavily] Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling bee; I never do.\nLiane: This year is gonna be different. Look! [places the box on the table] I got you \"Hooked On Monkey Fonics.\" [mom and son look at each other]\nCartman: [after a while] What the hell is \"Hooked On Monkey Fonics?\"\nLiane: It's a new way to learn how to read and spell. And it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee. [unpacks the contents: two cassette tapes, a tiny drum set, an owner's manual, and a live monkey. The monkey chatters] It says we just put the cassette into a tape player [does it, and presses the Play button. A glissant plays, and the monkey sits behind the drum set]\nFemale Voice: Welcome to \"Hooked On Monkey Fonics,\" level 1. I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat. [Liane smiles] If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. Ready? Let's begin. [glissant. The monkey plays. A little rap follows] The learning monkey is here to sayThat reading is easy and it's okay.[Liane starts swaying like a metronome]Work with the monkey and you will learnTo spell hard words, like \"morbid\" and \"fern.\"Start with Card 1. [Liane holds it up] Ready? Begin! [glissant] C, H. [a \"ch\" sound] Chalk. [the monkey plays four beats more, then turns to Cartman. One more beat...]\nCartman: [finally responds, keeping the beat] C, H. \"Ch.\" Chalk.\nFemale Voice: Good. Card 2. [Liane holds it up] T, H. [a hard \"th\"] There.\nCartman: T, H. \"Th.\" There. Hey, this is easy! [raps] I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!\nScene Description: South Park, next day. A stage has been set up in front of the rebuilt library, and the adults are there to watch. A banner over it reads: The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals\nScene Description: On stage, back row, are Wendy, Kevin, Annie, Clyde, Butters and Bebe. In the front row are Token, a new boy, an empty chair, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. Off to the left, Mr. Mackey will keep score, but doesn't look at all happy about it. The Mayor is front and center\nMayor: All right, everyone. Welcome to the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals! [the crowd cheers. The Mayor walks over and stands next to Mr. Mackey. The new boy is gone!] This should be very interesting. We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.\nJimbo: Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks.\nGerald: You bet money on my son to win?!\nJimbo: Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew.\nCartman: You're going down, bitch!\nKyle: Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can spell better than you.\nCartman: Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon! [signals something with a thumbs-up. The monkey and drums are next to him, on the floor.]\nMayor: And, joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children, Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds! [they enter...]\nJimbo: What?! [...and take their seats]\nCartman: Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are they?\nJimbo: Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled kids into a public-school spelling bee!\nKyle: What's a \"home-schooled kid\"?\nStan: I don't know, dude. I've never seen them before. [the left side of the groups is shown. Mark, the new kid seen earlier, sits next to Token, and Rebecca takes the aisle seat. The others in their section study them.]\nThe Cotswolds: [cheering] Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!\nMayor: [reads, then] Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds, from home school. [he steps on the platform] All right, Mark. Your word is \"conscientious.\"\nCartman: What?! What the fuck that that mean?\nMark: \"Conscientious.\" May I have the definition, please?\nMayor: Closely attentive to details. Careful.\nMark: \"Conscientious.\" Could you use it in a sentence, please?\nMayor: Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was... conscientious.\nMark: \"Conscientious.\" C O N S C I E N T I O U S.\nCartman: [as the bell rings] Holy crap! [the crowd is stunned]\nThe Cotswolds: Way to go, Mark! Alright!\nMayor: Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [he goes to the platform, smiling] Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair. Chaaiirr. [he looks to the monkey, who's minding its own business]\nCartman: Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [it looks around] Come on! [it begins to drum something else, getting excited. Cartman looks resigned]\nMayor: Eric, your word is \"chair.\"\nCartman: Uuh. Definition?\nMayor: Something you sit on.\nCartman: Country of origin?\nMayor: English! [the angrier she gets, the more afraid Mr. Mackey looks]\nCartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?\nMayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word is \"chair\"!!\nCartman: Uh- chair. C H A R E [the buzzer sounds and Eric panics] God damnit, how come I get the hard ones?! [races off the stage] Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!\nScene Description: The spelling bee. After several rounds, the other kids are eliminated. The Cotswolds kids and Kyle are the only ones left.\nMayor: All right, we're down to just three finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds from home school. [Rebecca takes the platform, but casts her eyes down and away from the mayor. She nervously taps her hands together] Alright, Rebecca. Here's your word: littoral.\nRebecca: [voice quivering] \"Litoral.\" Deh-finition?\nMayor: Having to do with a lake or ocean.\nRebecca: \"Litoral.\" Will you please use it in a sentence?\nMayor: Gary was most interested in the littoral features of Michigan.\nRebecca: \"Littoral.\" [Before saying each letter, she opens her hands like a book, whispers the letter into them, and closes them] L I T O R A L\nMayo: [sounding the little bell] Correct!\nKyle: [softly] Wow! [he's impressed]\nMr. Cotswolds: [both parents clap] Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey. [she takes her seat]\nMayor: Now we have Kyle Broflovski. [he takes the platform] Here we go. Krocsyldiphithic.\nKyle: What??\nMayor: Krocsyldiphithic.\nKyle: Definition?\nMayor: Something which has a krocsyldiph-like quality.\nKyle: Uh, could you use it in a sentence?\nMayor: Certainly. \"Krocsyldiphithic\" is a hard word to spell.\nKyle: \"Krocsyldiphic.\"\nJimbo: You can do it, kid! You can do it!\nKyle: \"Krocsyldiphic.\" C [the buzzer cuts him off] Damnit!\nJimbo: You little bastard, you cost me fifty bucks. [Stuart, Gerald, Randy, and Ned start carrying him away] Why don't you run away and join the circus, you stupid little son of a bitch?! Aaargh!\nMayor: Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca. [hand them their trophies] You are truly South Park's finest. [a print photographer takes a picture]\nStan: [standing before the stage with Cartman and Kenny] Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids are smart.\nCartman: Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth. [the finalists come off the stage and stand in front of it.]\nKyle: [walks up to Rebecca] What's your name? [apparently, he wasn't paying attention...]\nRebecca: Guh what's in a name? [turns and walks away]\nKyle: Wooww.\nMark: It was nice competing against you boys. We will have to do it again sometime.\nCartman: [mocking] Oh, yes. We must do it again.\nStan: We've never seen you before. Do you live in the woods or something?\nMark: No. I live right over there. [points to a house like any other, but it has bars on its windows] I've lived there all my life.\nCartman: How come you don't go to school?\nMark: Because I'm home-schooled.\nStan: What's that?\nMark: My parent teach me. So I stay at home instead of going to school.\nCartman: You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?\nMark: Right.\nCartman: [waxes poetic]Who would have thought such a miracle could be?Who could have known that this moment I would see?A new way of living, a chance to be free?\nStan: Shut up, Cartman?\nCartman: You shut up, [backhand slap] butthole.\nStan: You shut up, [backhand slap] gaywad!\nCartman: You shut up, [backhand slap] ass-logger!\nMark: [astonished] Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?\nStan: No, we're friends.\nMark: Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.\nStan: What?\nMr. Cotswolds: Come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high up on the mantel. [the family walks away. Kyle looks after Rebecca. Mark looks back at the boys.]\nStan: Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.\nScene Description: The Cotswolds house, night. The family is at dinner\nMark: Papa?\nMr. Cotswolds: Yes, Mark?\nMark: Why can't I go to school with the other boys?\nMrs. Cotswolds: [gasps] Oooh.\nMr. Cotswolds: [leans in on Mark] Well, because, son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous!\nMark: But I want to play with the other children. O, how they laugh and play, Papá.\nMrs. Cotswolds: Mark, you have play time. You get to play in the afternoon.\nMark: I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while. To see what other little boys are like.\nMr. Cotswolds: Mark, public schools are no good! Your mother and I were both home-schooled, and we turned out much better because of it.\nMark: Please, Papá. Just let me try it for a few days.\nMr. Cotswolds: Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school! You can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is!\nMark: Hooray!\nMr. Cotswolds: You don't want to go to public school too, do you, Rebecca?\nRebecca: [voice quivering] Oh, heavens, no.\nMr. Cotswolds: Well, thank God for that! At least my daughter will remain safe! [the doorbell rings and all look towards it]\nKyle: [Mrs. Cotswolds opens the door] Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?\nMrs. Cotswolds: Yes she is. [doesn't move]\nKyle: ...Uuh, can I talk to her?\nMrs. Cotswolds: Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca! [Rebecca walks up] This little boy wants to see you.\nRebecca: [with hands in prayer pose] Huhlo? [Kyle looks a little dismayed, as her tapping of hands is a habit. He looks at her mom for any assistance, but sees none. He looks at Rebecca again]\nKyle: U-u-uh, hi. [puts his hands behind his back]\nRebecca: Hel-lo.\nKyle: Huuh, I wah... just ah... well... that's all. [turns and hurries away. Rebecca looks, then goes in. Her mom closes the door]\nMr. Cotswolds: [walks up] Who was that?\nMrs. Cotswolds: A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.\nMr. Cotswolds: [wary] Oh no. I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea.\nMrs. Cotswolds: But the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children.\nMr. Cotswolds: Yes, but now I think we may have opened a Pandora's box that we can't close! [they then stand motionless for a while]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's class. Craig, Butters, and Tweek sit in the front row.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, we have a new student joining us from home school. Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark? [A large plastic ball rolls into class, and Mark is inside driving it. He runs into Craig's chair and stops.]\nMark: Hey, guys. What's up?\nCartman: Dude, what's wrong with you? You got some kind of John Travolta disease?\nMr. Garrison: Alright, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here, and go on with our studies. Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America? [Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Ehyes, Mark?\nCartman: Ey! How come you never pick me?!\nMr. Garrison: Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?\nMark: The answer is 1492. However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans. And therefore, your question is a charade.\nCartman: Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!\nMr. Garrison: Well, very impressive, Mark. You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards. [every kid looks angrily at Mark.]\nStan: Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground.\nMr. Garrison: Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from? [again, Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Put your hand down, creampuff.\nCartman: That does it! [gets off his seat and moves towards the door] I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go be home-schooled from now on!\nStan: You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass.\nCartman: I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm a-gonna be home-schooled! [leaves and closes the door]\nMr. Garrison: Oh, please God, let it be forever.\nScene Description: The playground. The recess bell rings and the kids rush out the door. Mark joins them in his huge hamster ball. Beside the jungle gym Stan and Pip stand next to each other, with Bebe and Annie behind them.\nStan: Come on, Pip, say it. Say \"Please, hit me.\"\nPip: But, if I say that, you'll hit me.\nStan: No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it. If you say \"Please, hit me,\" I won't hit you.\nPip: Please, hit me.\nStan: All right. [backhand slap]\nPip: Ooowww!\nStan: Alright, we'll try this again, Pip.\nMark: [rolls up] I don't understand. You seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time. [Craig and Butters walk up]\nCraig: Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball.\nMark: Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.\nStan: Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your own. [moves out of the way as Craig and Butters position the ball]\nButters: Oowhy yu- you best do what he says, uh home-school kid. Why, this is our part of the playground, see? And uh, a-and if you don't follow our rules, whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya to the bench.\nMark: You mean you would actually duct-tape my entire body to a bench? For what purpose?\nCraig: Just get out of the hamster ball, or else you're gonna find out!\nScene Description: Mark moves to the door and opens it. The ball moves, and Butters holds in in place while Mark flips his way out of it. Once he's on the ground, a bunch of boys come in and crowd him. Token, Bill, Tweek, Clyde, and Terrence join Craig and Butters in carrying Mark to the bench.\nBoys: Okay, let's get him... [more chatter as they place him on the bench and duct-tape him to it]\nButters: Got it. [the boys disperse]\nCraig: Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo!\nButters: Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!\nMark: Oh, dear.\nScene Description: The Cotswolds house. Mr. and Mrs. Cotswolds pace their living room, worried about their son's whereabouts\nMr. Cotswolds: Oh, where could he be? He should've been home from public school by now.\nMrs. Cotswolds: I'm sure he's alright.\nMr. Cotswolds: [a thump on the door] That must be him. [thump. Mr. Cotswolds opens the door, and both parents look]\nMrs. Cotswolds: Waaaaah! [Mark has walked home still strapped to the bench]\nMr. Cotswolds: Oh my God, son!\nMark: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. [walks in]\nMr. Cotswolds: Mark, what have they done to you?!\nMark: Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.\nMrs. Cotswolds: But why?\nMark: I don't know, mother. It didn't make any sense at all.\nMr. Cotswolds: Well, you see? This is what happens at public schools!\nMark: But I want to go back tomorrow, papá.\nMrs. Cotswolds: What??\nMark: Please, just give me one more day. [walks off]\nMrs. Cotswolds: What do we do?\nMr. Cotswolds: Well, if we're goin' to let him go back, it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers. [snort, snort. He seems to have a little problem with phlegm in the nose]\nScene Description: The Cotswolds house, night. A girl's bedroom is shown. Rebecca is at her desk writing.\nA voice: [with guitar]Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca. [she stops writing and looks to the window]I don't know what to do, Rebecca.[she hops off the chair, walks over to her toy box and hops onto it]You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better.[she looks out the window. It is Kyle she sees]So what do you say we get together?You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!You're a fox.[she looks a bit more, then moves away from the window. Kyle waits, then brightens as she returns. She drops some money down to him, and it lands in the guitar case. She moves away again, and he looks at the money]\nScene Description: The town bar. Jimbo, Ned, Randy, and Gerald sit at the bar sipping some beers. As Mr. Cotswolds enters, the camera pulls back to reveal Stuart McCormick, Richard Tweek, and Craig's father at the bar with the others\nMr. Cotswolds: Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have your attention for a few moments. [the other men turn to face him] My son Mark was beat up in school today by your sons. I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons, and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy. [sniff]\nRandy: Uh, look, Mr...\nMr. Cotswolds: Cotswolds.\nRandy: Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control what our kids do socially. That's..., you know, that's for them to figure out on their own.\nMr. Cotswolds: Well, obviously, they need to be coached a little better. [the men get mad. He coughs, then points to Gerald] And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl! I would like you to tell him to stop.\nGerald: Hey, my son is just discovering love. Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh, they need to know about that stuff.\nMr. Cotswolds: Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years old! What does she need to know about love?\nRandy: Well, something. I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once.\nMr. Cotswolds: I will not tell you how to raise your children, and you will not tell me how to raise mine!\nJimbo: Eh, you wanna beer or something, Cotswolds?\nMr. Cotswolds: No, I don't drink beer. I just like wine coolers.\nJimbo: You what??\nScene Description: The town bar, later. The men head out the door.\nJimbo: See ya, Cotswolds. [Randy looks and grins] Thanks for stopping by.\nGerald: Yeah. See ya. [the camera pans down to show Mr. Cotswolds duct-taped to a bench]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day. Lunchtime. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at table\nKyle: ...I can't even get her to understand. It's like she's from another planet.\nMark: [walks up] Can I sit here with you?\nStan: [tsk] Aw, man, if you have to.\nPrincipal Victoria: [over the P.A.] Attention, students. Don't forget that this Friday night is the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. We will have a very special band performing, so please come early.\nKyle: Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!\nStan: Dude, what happened to you? You're a total wuss now. [laughs]\nKenny: (Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude. Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)\nMark: Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him? Is he not your friend?\nStan: Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We rip on each other and stuff.\nMark: I see. It's like, you have to mark your territory as a boy. You have to socially find your place.\nKyle: What??\nCraig: [leading a group of boys, walks up] Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?\nMark: [confidently] Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.\nStan: Ah, dude, you don't say that.\nMark: Huh?\nCraig: Get him! [the group grabs him and duct-tapes him to an adjacent bench, then walks away.]\nKyle: Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.\nStan: Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, afternoon. Cartman is in bed with a bag of chips.\nCartman: [sighing drowsily] Eeehhh.\nAnnouncer: Welcome to Huntin' and Killin with Jimbo and Ned.\nCartman: Eehh, shut up. [stretches] Ooohhh, yeasss.\nLiane: [opens the door] Hon, are you ready for some math problems?\nCartman: Eh, not right this second, mother. Put them there by the door.\nLiane: Oh, all right. [sets them on the nightstand]\nCartman: Mom?\nLiane: Yes?\nCartman: Could you turn up the heat just a little?\nLiane: Sure, hon. [turns it up and walks out]\nCartman: Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules. [turns to his right side] Yeeehhhhhhss! [goes to sleep.]\nScene Description: The Cotswolds house, afternoon. Kyle approaches the front door and rings the bell. Rebecca answers and immediately puts her hands together\nRebecca: Oh, hel-lo.\nKyle: Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance, see, at the school, and um,\nRebecca: He-ey, would you like to come up to my room?\nKyle: Huh?\nRebecca: Woowould you like to come up to my room?\nKyle: Uuuh, okay. [she yanks him in] Gah!\nScene Description: The Cotswolds house, the living room. Mark is talking with his parents\nMr. Cotswolds: I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies. We have to pull you out of public school.\nMark: Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?\nMr. Cotswolds: Well alright, you can go, but I'll be there to supervise.\nMark: Alright. [starts to shuffle away]\nMr. Cotswolds: Mark, where's your sister?\nMark: She's upstairs playing Doctor with that Kyle boy.\nMr. Cotswolds: Oh, alright.\nBoth parents: What?! [they dash to her room]\nMrs. Cotswolds: Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!\nMr. Cotswolds: Rebecca, don't play that perverted game! [reaches the door and opens it. Before them is Kyle on his back on a low table covered by a blanket. Rebecca, in scrubs, stands on a chair cutting away at Kyle's hat. Both look at her parents]\nRebecca: I have to extricate a rr-region in his cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection to the synaptic responses.\nMr. Cotswolds: Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time to start your home-schooling! [snorts twice and leaves with his wife]\nKyle: Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance, and uh, now I was wondering, ih-ih-ih if you wanna go.\nRebecca: [voice quivering] Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go.\nKyle: You will?\nRebecca: [voice quivering] I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.\nKyle: No no. I mean, go with me.\nRebecca: Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride. [walks off to her home-schooling. Kyle gets mad and bangs his head against her chair]\nScene Description: The Cartman house, his bedroom. He still looks sleepy.\nCartman: Ahhhhhhhhh. [\"Jesus and Pals\" is heard in the background] Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired, tired.\nLiane: [opens the door] Eric, I got you a new history textbook. Why don't you come downstairs.\nCartman: Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom. [sighs]\nLiane: Eric, please. We have to do some studying today.\nCartman: I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey. [she looks over and sees the Fonics Monkey tossing a box of Snacky S'mores around. She withdraws and Cartman yawns again. Stan and Kenny enter]\nStan: Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?\nCartman: [sleepily] Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys.\nStan: Well, get your ass out of bed! [Kenny walks off] We have to go deal with that home-school kid!\nCartman: Huh, I can't. I'm too tired. [moves to sleep again] Maybe tomorrow.\nKenny: [to the monkey] (Hey, can I have that?) [reaches for a Snacky S'more in the monkey's hand, but the monkey tosses it away] (Heey.)\nStan: But the big dance is tomorrow and all the guys are gonna duct-tape him to a flagpole.\nCartman: [sleepily] That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to that.\nKenny: [smacked against a nightstand by the monkey] (Hey!) [the monkey starts tossing him around like a box] (Hey, Cartman, help me.)\nCartman: No, Fonics Monkey! [the monkey throws Kenny up against the ceiling and stomps on him] No, Fonics Monkey, that's a bad Fonics Monkey! [the monkey smashes Kenny against the foot of Cartman's bed several times, then stomps on him until he no longer responds]\nStan: Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!\nCartman: You're damn straight, he did.\nScene Description: The Cotswolds house, later that afternoon. Kyle is in the backyard waiting for Rebecca. She comes out and closes the sliding door.\nKyle: You got my note?\nRebecca: [voice quivering] Uh of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?\nKyle: Uh, can we sit down?\nRebecca: Wha-y noh-ot? [leads him onto a nice path next to a lovely flowerbed with all sorts of flora] Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it. [picks a flower]\nKyle: Rebecca, don't you ever... look at the town? At that... [draws close] flicker of light over there?\nRebecca: I... [looks down and away, pulls away a bit] have looked at it.\nKyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it there are children, [draws close] just like us.\nRebecca: How can children go to school on a f-licker of light?\nKyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. [they walk over to a stone bench and sit] Don't you want to go out? All you do is... stay in your house and... study\nRebecca: Well, what else would one do?\nKyle: Love, for one thing.\nRebecca: And woowhat is love?\nKyle: Love ...is the most important thing on... earth. When boys and girls feel ...love, they kiss.\nRebecca: Woowhat means \"ki-iss\"?\nKyle: When a man and a woman feel ...love... they put their lips together.\nRebecca: Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.\nKyle: Rebecca, in public school, [hops down] we select our... own mate. [walks off a bit] In public school, men and women get together. Make each other happy.\nRebecca: You certainly come from a silly place. Still, I should like to try that... kiss. [he turns to face her] So I cold write about it. [Kyle walks back and sits on the bench] How do we do it?\nKyle: I'm not completely sure.\nRebecca: Should we... [looks at him] l-look it up?\nKyle: No, I think it's something you have to try a few times. Until you get it... right. [she hums as they get closer and closer. Their lips touch. A quick kiss and they pull apart]\nRebecca: Wow. Wow, that was fun! [grabs him]\nKyle: Dah. [she kisses him back, then lets go] Does that mean you'll go to the dance?\nRebecca: Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, night. The school is lit up for the dance. Seven boys move towards the flagpole: Pip, Stan, Token, Craig, Butters, Fosse, and Bill\nCraig: Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaperones are looking, you guys go grab Mark. Bring him out here, and then we're gonna duct-tape him to this flagpole.\nStan: Are you sure? He can be out here all night on the flagpole.\nCraig: That's the point, buttpipe.\nStan: Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!\nButters: Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some more duct tape.\nBoys: Hooray! [they walk away]\nBill: Hooray. [catches up to the others]\nJimbo: [arrives with a group of men] Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta do is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow. [Randy, Gerald, Ned, and Stuart are also present]\nRandy: Uh, why do we want to all chaperone the dance?\nJimbo: Because Cotswolds is gonna to live there. And when he shows up, we all grab him, bring him out here, and duct-tape him to the flagpole!\nGerald: The flagpole! That's great! [Mr. Tweek and Craig's father are now present]\nJimbo: Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.\nMen: [walk away] Alright!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, night. It's Friday and the kids are gathering in the gym for the dance. Mark is already in the crowd, but the time is not yet. There isn't much to dance to, but kids dance anyway. Wendy and Bebe hop back and forth. Tweek dances as well. Pip is dancing in the background. Annie and Clyde, Token and Red, Kevin, Terrence and Fosse, and the tattered kid stand around.\nStan: [sees Kyle enter and walks to him] Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna help? [with him are Craig, Butters, and Cartman.]\nKyle: [with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.\nStan: Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]\nKyle: Don't you \"Oh, brother\" me! She's the woman of my dreams!\nStan: You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]\nKyle: You suck!\nPrincipal Victoria: [on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]\nDio: Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!\nButters: Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.\nDio: Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.Oh, what's-\nCraig: [\"-becoming of me?\"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! [\"Ride the tiger.\"]\nButters: Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? [\"You can see his stripes but you know he's clean.\"]\nRebecca: [dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. [\"Oh, don't you see what I mean?\" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]\nButters: Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. \"Gotta get away.\"]\nRebecca: [walks over to Token] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]\nToken: What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]\nRebecca: [walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?\nKyle: Rebecca. You...\nMark: [returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]\nRebecca: I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]\nPip: Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]\nMark: You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!\nKyle: Uh. All I did was show her how to-\nMark: You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]\nKyle: [landing on his back] Aaaah!\nMark: [pounces on again] You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]\nKyle: Ooww!\nCraig: Oh my God!\nStan: Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!\nButters: Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]\nRandy: [entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]\nMark: ...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]\nStan: Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]\nButters: Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.\nStan: Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]\nCraig: [grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!\nButters: [grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me! [Mark smiles, pleased that these guys would fight for his friendship]\nMr. Cotswolds: [enters another door with his wife] They've got to be here somewhere.\nJimbo: Hey, there's Cotswolds. Come on! Let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!\nMen: Yeah! [move forward. Mr. Cotswolds goes to some outlet and unplugs the sound system. Dio stops playing]\nMr. Cotswolds: Where are my children?! I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!\nMark: [onstage, takes the mic from Dio] Calm down, papá! [Papá looks at Mom] Everything is all right. [the kids look at him] You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills. They have to learn them themselves. And the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on. [his parents listen] Don't you see, papá? That's what happened to your daughter. You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual, and now look at her. She's a God-damned whore, papá. [Rebecca is listening]\nButters: Well, she sure is.\nMark: I know letting your kids out into the world is scary. I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us. But bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. The men listen]\nMr. Cotswolds: Mark. You're absolutely right. [Mark grins. His mom grins as well] Okay, children. If it's what you want, you can start going to public school.\nKids: Alright! [Rebecca goes up to Kyle and kisses him]\nStan: [goes onstage] Nice speech, nerdo.\nMark: Thanks, gaywad. [Cartman joins them]\nCartman: Now you're gettin' it.\nJimbo: Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken, we still have someone to duct-tape to the flagpole!\nMen: Hooray!\nMr. Cotswolds: What?! [the men hoist him up and carry him out the doors]\nMark: See ya, papá! [Dio takes the mic back]\nDio: Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids. Now, let's dance! [resumes with \"Holy Diver.\" The Fonics Monkey is drumming with the band. Mr. Cotswolds is now duct-taped to the flagpole]\nDio: Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's becoming of me? [End credits start to roll] Like the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean. Oh, don't you see what I mean? Gotta get away, Holy Diver."}
{"text": "Scene Description: In Memory of Mary Kay Bergman\nScene Description: Space. A small ship makes its way towards Earth. An alien flies the ship. It has a big brain, and its head is covered with veins that stick out.\nMarklar: Marklar, this is Marklar. Approaching Marklar.\nMarklar dispatcher: Proceed with marklar and make first contact.\nMarklar: Marklar. [the Marklar ship descends to Earth and hovers over a desert. It lands, and the Marklar pilot steps out. It walks forward] Greetings, Marklar, I am Marklar. [Two lions and a lioness look at him hungrily.] I come in marklar. [the lions move towards him] Oh, marklar. [the lions jump him and rips him to shreds] AAAAAAAAAA! [the lions run away carrying chunks of the Marklar in their mouths]\nScene Description: Fade to next day, the Ethiopian desert under the hot sun. The Ethiopians laze about in front of their huts, having nothing to do. The camera pans past the hut to a small white church with a simple cross and a white picket fence.\nWoman: Hello, everyone. I am Sister Hollis. I was chosen for my mission work to come here to Africa and teach you all about the teachings of Jesus. [a group of Ethiopians sit cross-legged, with their Bibles in front of them on white benches. This is her Bible class. Above them, two ceiling fans spin, clanking a little] Okay then, do we have our Bibles that were handed out freely? [an Ethiopian attempts to eat one, but Hollis interrupts] No no, we don't eat the Bibles, we read them. [returns to the front] Now, let's turn to Mark 3:19. [the class does not respond] Come on, remember [pulls down a chart]: reading Bible plus accepting Jesus equals food. [the students study the chart, then open their Bibles] Good. Now, who can read Mark 3:19? How about... Marvin? [glissant as the camera switches to Marvin reading. He lowers his Bible]\nMarvin: Doundobi godia dyum * *\nHollis: No, Marvin, in God's language. English.\nMarvin: Dongdin * * mium bidu [closes his Bible, leaves it, and heads towards the door]\nHollis: Where are you going? Back to your life of sin? Don't you understand that unless you find Christ, you and all your people are doomed to eternal hellfire? [Marvin just opens the door, walks out, and heads towards the desert. He passes his people, who can do nothing but moan]\nEthiopians: Ooooohhh. [some of them cough. Marvin shows surprise as he sees a group of eight people on a hill looking down at a column of smoke. He moves up to them]\nMarvin: Duo bet tum debettum * * ghm * *? [the camera goes over the group to reveal the Marklar's ship. Marvin stares in awe] Mah tah guum tyum * * ghm tm tm. [moves towards it. The chief says something, but Marvin continues to the ship. He touches it, and it opens up for him, the sand washing off its surface. The group on the hill screams with joy. Some of the group runs away]\nEthiopian: Necah * * necundat? [Marvin opens the cockpit and hops in]\nChief: Nn * * de co?\nMarvin: Umi chu. [presses a button to activate a map display. The cockpit closes and the ship lifts off]\nEthiopian woman: Wobe dabiga gm * *.\nMarvin: Gobede *. [presses a button and the ship lurches up. He takes off and comes back, sweeping over the villagers' heads. He takes off into space, into the distance, and then returns. The episode title follows close behind]\nScene Description: Starvin' Marvin in Space\nScene Description: In Star Wars fashion, the camera moves from space down and right to a sunny day in South Park. The camera settles on South Park Elementary as the bell rings. Class is now in session\nMr. Garrison: ...And so, children, that's why Hare Krishnas are totally gay. [the door opens and two agents enter. They start looking under tables and lifting desks, then lower the blinds...] Uh, can I help you?\nAgent 1: Yes. I'm Connelly, and this is Sphinx. We're with the CIA.\nSphinx: We're here to speak with some of your students. [turns to them] You [Cartman], you [Kyle], you [Kenny], and you [Stan].\nMr. Garrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, what have you bastards done now?!\nCartman: Hey! That was Kyle that went #2 in the urinal!\nKyle: No it wasn't, fatass! I saw you do it!\nConnelly: Boys, we need to talk to you about a matter of national security. Now!\nKenny: (Huh?) [Connelly takes Cartman and Kyle, Sphinx takes Kenny and Stan. They then carry the boys out the door. Sphinx reaches back to close it]\nMr. Garrison: I hope you give them the chair! [turns back to the chalkboard] Anyway, children, as I was saying, Hare Krishnas are totally gay. [writes \"Hare Krishnas\" on the board.]\nScene Description: A military complex. The boys are seated inside a hangar, with a lamp shining on them.\nCartman: Oh, dude, this is not cool!\nKyle: Relax, fatass.\nCartman: No. Dude, I've seen this on TV. They shine that light in your face, and then they try to get you to tell them stuff by squeezing your balls really hard.\nStan: What??\nCartman: Dude, I've seen it! They grab your balls with their leather-gloved hands and they squeeze 'em as hard as they can until they pop like little grapes!\nStan, Kyle: Ow, dude! [the hangar doors open and the two agents enter]\nCartman: [pointing] Start with Kenny! Start with Kenny! [Kenny looks at him]\nSphinx: Relax, boys. We just need to talk with you.\nStan: * I told you, fatass.\nConnelly: Approximately 31 hours ago, an ethnic-looking child was spotted flying some kind of state-of-the-art space craft over Chinese air space.\nCartman: Whoa, cool.\nSphinx: Cool? That craft appears to have enough plutonium fuel on board to blow up a large city! Do you think that's cool?!\nCartman: Totally!\nConnelly: Alright, children, we just need to know one thing: Do you know this person? [holds up a picture of Marvin]\nCartman: Heeyy, that's Starvin' Marvin.\nStan: Sshh!\nConnelly: Who?\nKyle: You dumbass, Cartman! Now they're gonna go squeeze his balls!\nCartman: Oh. We don't know him.\nSphinx: We already know you know him. We have this! [a picture of the boys standing behind Marvin outside King Jimmy's Buffet] Now, who is he?! [Kyle farts, and the boys laugh]\nCartman: Kyle's makin' mudpies; you guys want one? [the agents walk away and talk with each other. The boys laugh for a long time...]\nConnelly: This is getting us nowhere. We'll have to resort to more drastic measures.\nSphinx: But they're just kids. We can't torture them.\nConnelly: Look, we don't know what that craft is capable of, but the kid is going to have to land it somewhere. God only knows what sadistic backwards Third-World country could get their hands on that ship!\nScene Description: Australia. The ship heads towards it, with a song playing in the cockpit. Marvin is enjoying his flight, but the screen tells him to debark\nSinger: Soaring so high above the world,Never thought I could be so free.I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see.\nMan 1: [pointing] Oy, look up there! [the ship descends and the engines turn off]\nMan 2: It's a UFO! [the windshield rolls back]\nCrowd: [start backing up] Oohh?!\nMarvin: [appears] Dogom * Dommm * *.\nMan 3: Boy, that's one creeepy alien.\nMarvin: Gmm * Mmm-mm * *.\nMan 4: [prodding] Talk to 'im, Mayor. [the Mayor walks up to Marvin and speaks]\nMayor: Great and noble alien creature. As Mayor of the fine planet of Australia, I welcome you to our fine... planet of Australia. Chippy chip\nCrowd: Churrah! [Marvin pulls out pencil and paper and starts drawing...]\nMayor: Look out, he's got a gun! [shields his face. The others cower]\nMan 5: Wait, it's not a gun. It's a piece of paper.\nMayor: Oh. [the paper has a drawing of Australia and of Marvin's people. Marvin draws an arrow from his people to Australia] Oh, I think he's tryin' to tell us that he wants to relocate all his species here to Australia.\nMarvin: * * Muogleblabla mb'g * *.\nMayor: Well, you certainly are all welcome 'ere, alien. In fact, there's a mission right over there that will take all your people in. [it looks just like the one he left in Ethiopia. A woman is at the door.]\nWoman: Hello-o. [Marvin looks, and the smile leaves his face. He hops back into the craft and takes off]\nMayor: Guess the little pecker doesn't like missionaries.\nScene Description: The military complex. The children are being tortured, but not physically. They moan and grunt\nSphinx: Now, I'll ask you again. Who is the little boy that took our ship?\nStan: We don't know. [some scratching is heard]\nThe Boys: Aaaaaaaa! [Sphinx is scratching at a balloon] Aaaaaaaa!\nConnelly: [holds up a picture of Marvin in the spacecraft] Who is this person!\nCartman: [gasping] K-kill me.\nConnelly: Do it again. [Sphinx scratches the balloon...]\nThe Boys: Aaaaaaaa!\nCartman: No wait. I'll tell you. [the agents take off their ear muffs] He's, he's a little starving Ethiopian kid. We adopted him.\nKyle: Cartman!\nSphinx: Adopted from whom?\nCartman: Sally. Sally Struthers. The lady on TV. She knows everything. Sally Struthers.\nConnelly: Sally Struthers!\nSphinx: Where can we find her?!\nConnelly: I know exactly where Sall Struthers is. Let them go.\nKyle: Good job, fatass!\nCartman: Dude, I couldn't take anymore of that balloon. Another couple hours of that, and I would've been totally pissed off.\nStan: [moving past Kyle and Cartman] Whatever. Let's go see what's on TV.\nScene Description: Ethiopia, the FEED THE CHILDREN FOUNDATION building. The agents sit in the lobby reading newspapers\nReceptionist: Gentlemen, Ms. Struthers can see you now. [the men rise and go for the door, but before they enter Connelly stops and closes the door]\nConnelly: I'm warning you, Bill. Sally Struthers is a bit heavy. But don't say anything, because she's pretty sensitive.\nSphinx: Oh, I would never say anything. I saw some show where they made fun of Sally Struthers' weight, and I thought it was totally cruel. I mean, she helps people, you know. [they enter. The storage room has been transformed into awfully dark living quarters for her]\nConnelly: Ah, Ms. Struthers.\nSally: Oh ho ho ho. [she now has the shape of a Hutt] Un chaka solo david. Saime no Chewbacca dakaiminbi? ho ho. [\"Hello gentlemen. How can I help you?\"]\nConnelly: Ms. Struthers. We understand you have helped raise millions of dollars to help starving children in Ethiopia.\nSally: Oh? Makarendae bi cho. [\"I do my best.\"] Ho ho ho.\nConnelly: We need information on one of the Ethiopians. You must tell us everything you know about him. [waves his hand in a Jedi fashion]\nSally: Do ba kim.\nSphinx: Uh, heh-his name is Starving Marvin.\nSally: [begins to sniff around] Jonoba unko chocolate Yum Yum bar ancho? [\"Is that a chocolate Yum Yum bar in your pocket?\"]\nConnelly: Why, yes. It is a chocolate Yum Yum bar, Ms. Struthers [removes it from his coat pocker and waves it around], and there are several more where that came from. [Sally licks her lips. Connelly sees a trash can nearby and opens it, then dangles the bar over it] Of course, if you don't want to tell us about the Ethiopian boy...\nSally: Mmmmo na ka!\nConnelly: [closes the trashcan and walks over with the candy bar] I'm... glad we can do business.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. The boys are on the sofa watching TV. Cartman has the remote\nStan: Come on, dude. There's gotta be somethin' about Starvin' Marvin in the news.\nCartman: Well, I can't find anything- wait. What's this? [a shot of Pat Robertson asking for pledges on the CBC channel.]\nPat: Uh, God wants you to send us money. He needs you to send us money so we can help others.\nCartman: Oh, my God, this guy again. [\"What we do is- \"]\nKyle: Why would anybody send this asshole money? [\"-we go all around the world and-\"]\nKenny: (To pay for the pockets on his peehole) [The boys laugh. \"-we give Bibles and and, and...\"]\nKyle: Yeh-hah. [They hear noise outside, and soon Marvin's ship crashes through the front wall of the house.]\nBoys: Whoa! [They rush outside to see the rest of the ship. Cartman goes to see the damage]\nCartman: Oh! Aww! [Part of the second story of the house falls away.] Oh, weak! [Marvin hops down from the ship]\nKyle: Starvin' Marvin!\nMarvin: Bongi groinit * *.\nKyle: He did take a ship.\nCartman: Well nice job, Marvin! I hope you got about a thousand dollars to pay for my house!\nMarvin: Ingan *.\nStan: Dude, you're gonna get busted for taking this thing.\nMarvin: Chede gwodum * * godom.\nKyle: I think he wants us to get in.\nStan: Kick ass! [Marvin returns to the pilot's seat; the others hop in and stand around him.] Wow, this thing is awesome!\nKyle: Let's go somewhere. [Marvin pulls the ship out of Cartman's house and flies low over the ground]\nSinger: Soaring so high above the world,Never thought I could be so free.\nStan: [the ship goes higher, over other cities] Wow!\nKyle: Yes!\nSinger: I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see.\nStan: This is great!\nCartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off? [\"And it's a wonderful day 'cause something-\"]\nMarvin: [turns off the music] Gmmm?\nStan: Yeah, that's better.\nScene Description: Ethiopia, day. A man tries to rise, but doesn't have the energy to do it\nMan: Oooh. [falls back on his pillow. Sister Hollis comes up]\nHollis: Hello? Howare we doing today? Look what I got for you.\nMan: [quickly rising] Nn * wohg *?\nHollis: No, it's not food. It's a cross. [hands it to him] And it has your Christian name printed on it. From now on, you are Michael. Can you say \"Michael\"? [the man clicks and holds up the cross] Mmmi-chael. [the man clicks again] Oh, well. You'll get it. [walks away and heads over to a family of four] Hello, brother David. Do you have any sins to confess? [David does not respond, but a fly lands on his eye] Anybody? Sins to confess? Joshua? [he just looks up at her] You know, today I'm reminded of Psalm 46, line 39: \"Though the mountains shake and th-\" [the CIA agents walk up]\nConnelly: Here they are!\nHollis: Who are you?\nConnelly: We're with the American government! Sally Struthers told us where we'd find Marvin's parents!\nSphinx: Hello there, Mr. and Mrs. Clickclickderk. I think you know why we're here. [the family stares in horror]\nScene Description: The Marklar ship, night. The boys are flying over a desert\nKyle: No, dude, you don't wanna bring your people to Mexico, there's missionaries there, too.\nMarvin: Blubedegub? [points to Utah on the map]\nCartman: No way, not Utah. Utah's nothin' but missionaries.\nStan: Dude, it looks like he's tried everywhere in the world. [the world map is shown]\nCartman: Well, he hasn't been here yet. Where's this? [presses a big red button on the left side of the display panel. The ship bucks and heads into space.]\nBoys: Whooaaa! [the ship rolls sideways for a moment]\nStan: What the hell did you hit, Cartman?! [a wormhole appears before them, and they head for it]\nKyle: Oh, my God! What the hell is that thing?! [the ship races into the wormhole]\nBoys: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [everything inside the ship begins to twist and warp] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [more twisting and warping, and the ship races out of the wormhole into a star system with a green planet. Everything inside the ship is normal again]\nKyle: [gasps] Where are we?\nMarvin: Gobin gobedo * * gowog. [the ship heads down into the atmosphere and then towards an island]\nStan: We're on like, some foreign planet.\nKyle: This place is rad. Look at all the trees and stuff.\nMarvin: Gewhit * * Gewit um hebed wabaduh. Gabalah. [the ship descends to a plain next to a waterfall, and lands]\nScene Description: Planet Marklar, day. The ship's windshield rolls back. The boys climb down and look around\nMarvin: Badak bladla buk.\nMarklar Leader: Greetings. Welcome to Marklar.\nStan: Uh, thanks.\nMarklar Leader: I am Marklar, leader of the Marklar.\nStan: U-uh, cool. My name is Stan, and a-uh, I'm the leader of Earth.\nMarklar Leader: [bows] Marklar to you.\nStan: Cool!\nCartman: Ey! I'm the leader of Earth!\nSta: Screw you, Cartman! I called leader first!\nCartman: Well, you can call leader 'til your ass bleeds, but that doesn't make it true! [the Marklar leader looks a bit confused. Marvin steps forward and smiles. The land around the group is green and lush, water is plentiful...]\nMarklar Leader: We are very thankful to you for bringing our marklar back to us.\nKyle: [joins Marvin] Wait. I thought you called your planet Marklar.\nMarklar Leader: Oh, here on Marklar, we refer to all people, places, and things as marklar.\nKyle: Well, our friend Marvin and all his people have to live on a part of Earth that sucks ass. They can't grow food or nothin'.\nStan: [Cartman looks in pleasant wonder] Yeah, so it would be really cool if you would let Marvin and all his people come live here.\nMarklar Leader: Well, there is a lot of room on Marklar. If Marklar here wants to bring his marklar to Marklar, that would be fine. Just take our marklar back to Marklar and bring all the marklar back with you.\nStan: Uuh. Thanks.\nMarvin: * *.\nScene Description: Ethiopia, day. The agents are still drilling Marvin's family\nConnelly: Let's go through this one more time, Mr. and Mrs. Clickclickderk! Your son Marvin has the ship that we want! How can we get it from him? [the family sits still]\nSphinx: [switching places with Connelly] We are the CIA. That ship needs to be with us! Maybe we should just take something precious of yours, huh?! [lifts his shades and scans the area] Daha! [picks up a gourd and dangles it] This! This gourd-thingy, for instance. How do you like that, huh? If you ever wanna see this... little... thingy again, I suggest you contact your boy! [the family just looks at him. At that moment, the Marklar ship zooms over the little village, and the villagers raise a ruckus over Marvin's return. The ship stops and descends, engines roaring]\nSphinx: There it is! [Hollis covers her ears. The ship lands and everyone moves towards it. The windshield rolls back and the boys scramble down from the ship]\nMarvin: Muwuhbuh * * mlamleblubluh mjek.\nConnelly: Back away from the space craft, children!\nStan: Nno. No, it's okay. The ship took us to another planet. A beautiful, lush place called Marklar.\nKyle: Yeah. And the leader, he said that all the Ethiopians can go live there. [the Ethiopians all begin to speak]\nHollis: Alien race? Have they... heard the word of Christ?\nCartman: No, never. It's perfect.\nHollis: Ooh, no. Those poor souls. We must spread the Gospel to them. [hurries away]\nStan: What??\nMarvin: *. [walks to Hollis] Mluglu dja mugm blugabeb * * *.\nKyle: Come on, Marvin! We've gotta get your people to Marklar before the missionaries do!\nConnelly: You'll do nothing of the kind! This ship is now property of the United States Government!\nKyle: No! [agents rush in from all sides and some black helicopters appear over the space ship. Two FBI agents come and stand behind the boys.]\nMarvin: [tugs at Hollis' dress] Dor dor binor hm ghm.\nSphinx: Call those boys' mothers. [Connelly starts dialing] I'm sure they'll be very interested in the trouble their boys have been up to.\nKyle: Oh, no, dude!\nScene Description: CBC television studios. The CBC logo, a pair of angel wings topped by a halo, and CBC printed in front of them, fills the screen. Next comes \"Christian Broadcasting Channel\"\nPat: [\"TO PLEDGE CALL: 1-800-555-2717\"] You know, Susan, the uh-there are so many great missionaries doing work, out there in in in-in parts of Africa, and uh we're trying to get Bibles to people all over the world. And what we need, is the help of everyone out there so that we can continue these, these projects. Now, listen to this, Susan. [a picture of Hollis with two Ethiopians appears over his right shoulder] Wha-one of our missionaries in North Africa has made an amazing discovery. U-u-uh a new planet, in the in the galaxy Alpha Seti VI, that has intelligent life on it.\nSusan: Amazing.\nPat: Yeah. We're not sure what these hyper-intelligent beings look like, but one thing is for sure: they've never heard of Jesus Christ.\nSusan: What can we do at the 600 Club to help those poor aliens?\nPat: Well, what we need, Susan, is we need money to build an interstellar cruiser. [a diagram of said cruiser appears over his shoulder: the XT-9000] Now, this space ship will be able to travel through a wormhole and deliver the message and guh-glory of Jesus Christ to those godless aliens. S-send your money now. Amen.\nScene Description: Ethiopia. The agents are still investigating...\nConnelly: I want everyone to keep a safe distance from the craft until we can run some tests.\nFBI agent: [walks up] E-excuse me, gentlemen, uh Tom Brokaw is here to see you.\nSphinx: Tom Brokaw? Oh no, the press already? [the CIA agents walk over]\n\"Brokaw\": [sounds like Cartman] Oh. Good day, gentlemen. [the yellow headband and the shape of the pant legs look familiar...]\nSphinx: Uh huh. [FBI agents gather behind him and Connelly] Mr. Brokaw, I presume.\n\"Brokaw\": You presume wisely, sir. I'm here to get the big story, the big scoop. [Marvin tip-toes to the ship unnoticed] I understand that you've found some kind of ship from an alien race. [Marvin opens the cargo door and signals for his people to enter the ship. They start doing so] Seeing as though I am Pulitzer-prize-winning Tom Brokaw...\nConnelly: Look, kid. Did you really think this was going to fool anybody? You don't look anything like Tom Brokaw.\n\"Brokaw\": What?! Do you question my integritah?!\nKyle: [from the pants] I told you Tom Brokaw doesn't have a mustache, fatass!\n\"Brokaw\": Buh-eh, ugh. I had some bad burritos today.\nMarvin: * * wughum chughum * *, * *.\nConnelly: [he and Sphinx remove the men's clothes from the boys] Alright boys. Time to get back to your quarters.\nStan: Oh. [the cargo door closes and Marvin is ready to take off]\nConnelly: Son of a bitch!\nStan: Run for it!\nConnelly: Get 'em! [two FBI agents move]\nCartman: Wah-ey. Come on you guys, wait!\nKyle: Watch out! Here I come!\nKenny: (Hey, you guys, I'm a little bit be-) [trips over a rock and lands on his face] (Oof.)\nKyle: Kenny!\nCartman: Forget him! He's done for! [Stan climbs up and looks back]\nStan: He's not done for, he's standing right there.\nKenny: (You guys, just fly away!)\nCartman: No, no, he's done for. Come on! [the windshield rolls down and the ship takes off. It zooms into the distance, then straight up into space. The helicopters could not catch up]\nSphinx: [holding Kenny] Nooo!\nConnelly: Damnit, damnit, damnit!\nScene Description: The Marklar ship, space. The ship speeds away from Earth.\nStan: Alright, we made it!\nKyle: Okay, Marvin. Time to take your people to their new home!\nMarvin: Gakchak ghm. [a blast is felt inside. Its impact site is near the cockpit]\nKyle: What was that? [the CBC's XT-9000 appears behind them. Inside, Sister Hollis is manning the bridge, with another woman and four men.]\nHollis: This is the Missionary 600. We have you locked on \"fire: ready.\" Turn back right now. [another shot is fired, and the Marklar ship is hit again.]\nBoys: Aaaa!\nEthiopians: [tossed to one side of the cargo bay] Whoa!\nStan: They're shooting at us.\nKyle: Quick, Marvin. Get us to Marklar.\nMarvin: [tries all the buttons, including the red one, but to no avail] Midik, gmanjaum * *.\nKyle: Well, how'd we do it last time??\nStan: Cartman just hit the button, and the ship flew itself.\nKyle: Which button did you press, Cartman??\nCartman: U-u-huh. I don't remember.\nKyle: You don't remember?!\nStan: You dumbass, Cartman!\nCartman: Hey, I was under duress! Maybe it waaas this one. [presses the big red button]\nSinger: Soaring so high above the world.\nThe boys: Aawwww!\nSinger: Never-\nScene Description: The Missionary 600, still pursuing the Marklar ship\nHollis: The ship seems to be made out of a... super-strong alloy. These lasers aren't powerful enough.\nScene Description: The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting\nPat: Everyone, the Word of God is going around the world and all your help is so greatly appreciated. Eh-oo What we need now is an argon crystal laser. [the 900txl] Eh you see, an argon crystal laser can pierce thick space holes in a way that other lasers just can't. Send your money now. Uuh-I th-thank you.\nScene Description: Ethiopia, day. Feed The Children Foundation. The agents are talking to Sally Struthers\nSally: [eating her way through a box of food relief] Onadonakami?\nConnelly: Ms. Struthers, we understand that you have a ship of your own. One capable of interstellar travel.\nSally: Chewmbacca vije dai gwo. [\"Maybe I do, and maybe I don't.\"]\nSphinx: We need to use your ship to catch those boys. We will do anything for that technology.\nSally: Juodo nakahobi? Ho ho ho ho. [\"Why should I help you?\"]\nSphinx: Ms. Struthers, if those Ethiopians make it to another planet, who will send money to your foundation? Without Ethiopians, you have no food.\nSally: Wo? Wo chaka gom??\nConnelly: Oh, that won't be a problem, Ms. Struthers. We have... collateral. [steps aside and brings Kenny in]\nKenny: (Oh my God, I get it.)\nSally: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. [a small creature pops out and laughs]\nScene Description: The Missionary 600, still pursuing the Marklar ship\nHollis: I have the infidels in my sight. [the Marklar ship tries evasive maneuvers, but it is hit again.]\nCartman: Holy shit!\nEthiopians: [tossed to the other side of the cargo bay] Whoa!\nMarvin: Doye dondabuh. [swings the ship around and fires two blasts at the Missionary 600]\nCrew: Aaah.\nHollis: Holy crap, they have photon torpedoes.\nScene Description: The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting\nPat: Uhnow, our deflector shields are useless against phorton torpedoes, and we really need your support on this one, folks. Here at the 600 Club we need your money to spread the Word of Jesus, and build more advanced deflector shields for our galactic cruiser. Call now, and we'll give you this free pin. [a CBC logo pin]\nScene Description: Space. The Missionary 600 and the Marklar ship now do battle. Marvin fires at the Missionaary 600 twice more.\n600 Crew: Aaah.\nStan: You got 'em, Marvin.\nKyle: Yeah, now finish 'em off! [a huge junker comes up behind and fires at them]\nComputer: [female voice] Warning. Deflector shields failing.\nKyle: Where did that come from??\nSally: Ho ho ho ho. [the CIA agents stand behind her, and two other men are at the helm]\nConnelly: Good! Now get them in our tractor beam! [the beam is activated and holds the Marklar ship in place. The Missionary 600 comes around and faces the Marklar ship]\nHollis: Now we've got 'em! [in the Marklar ship, the boys look at the screen...]\nSally: Ho ho ho ho.\nCartman: It's Sally Struthers!\nHollis: Well, it appears they'll be going back to Ethiopia, so we can go on to the aliens.\nKyle: Sorry, Marvin. We tried.\nCartman: Wait. Ms. Struthers? Ms. Struthers!\nSally: Wo?\nCartman: Ms. Struthers, please. Just listen to me for one second. You started the Feed the Children Foundation for wonderful reasons: to help starving, helpless people who live in a rotten part of the world. Well, it's for those reasons we wanna help our friend Marvin now. [Sally looks moved]\nSally: Holna chewbacca? [\"Because of me?\"]\nSphinx: Ms. Struthers, don't forget the gift we gave you: the child in carbonite. [points. The camera pans over to a panel which shows Kenny encased in carbonite]\nSally: Dama doko nou na oh. [\"Let him speak.\"]\nCartman: Ms. Struthers. You helped so many people, and you've taught us that helping people is what life is all about. All we wanna do is... be like you. [Sally considers Cartman's statements for a moment, then...]\nSally: Oh, foada! [\"You're right!\" She presses a button, and the tractor beam switches off the Marklar ship and on the Missionary 600]\n600 Crew: [the bridge jerks a bit] Whoa! [the beam pulls the Missionary 600 closer to the junker.]\nCartman: She bought it.\nStan: Sally Struthers is saving us!\nScene Description: The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting\nPat: Uh, now, now, stay with me on this one, folks. Uh, Sally Struthers has a Tiberian junker [pictured in a window], which is uh the favorite ship of the Hutts, and she has trapped oureh, our our new CBC ship in an uh [struggling] poe-sitronic tractor beam. [a stage hand holds up this cue card that reads: Tractor Beam, so we're gonna need a Ionic Tractor Disruptor] Uh, so we're gonna need an ionic tractor disruptor. Now now, not a regular ionic di- tractor disruptor, but a negative ionic tractor disruptor to uh, help spread the Word of Jesus. [to Susan, softly] I don't have a fucking idea up here.\nScene Description: Space. The junker is busy pulling the Missionary 600 in. The Marklar ship is free to leave\nStan: Now's our chance!\nCartman: Wait. I remember. It was the red button! [presses it, and the ship zooms away. The wormhole appears again and the ship head for it]\nHollis: They've opened the wormhole!\nKyle: It's pulling us in! [the junker and the Missionary 600 give chase. All three ships enter the wormhole, and all experience its warping effects.]\nBoys: Aaaah!\n600 Crew: Aaaah! [the ships rush out of the wormhole and into Alpha Seti VI, near the Marklar planet]\nScene Description: Marklar. The ship land. The Missionary 600 has to lean to one side. All parties are out of their ships\nKyle: Marvin... [everyone talks at once]\nMarklar: Please, please, please. We are confused. You must explain one at a Marklar.\nHollis: Alien friend, we are here to spread the Word of Jesus. He died for your sins.\nMarklar: Who? Marklar?\nStan: We brought Marvin and his people to live here, but these buttholes followed us.\nMarklar: Brought m- marklar??\nHollis: What is \"marklar\"?\nMarklar: Yyou're marklar; everyone and everything is referred to as marklar.\nSphinx: Doesn't that get confusing?\nMarklar: Oh no. Watch this. Hey, Marklar!\nMarklar: [in orange robe] Yes?\nMarklar: You see?\nKyle: [steps forward] Wait. Wait. I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want Marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use Marklar to try and force marklars to believe they're marklar. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with Marklar. These marklar have no good marklar to live on Marklar, so they must come here to Marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, eh or marklars.\nMarklar: Young marklar, your marklars are wise and true.\nHollis: What the hell did he say?\nStan: [hushed] Wow! Good job, dude!\nKyle: Thanks.\nMarklar: The marklars can stay!\nEthiopians: Wooo!\nBoys: Alright!\nCartman: Alright,\nMarklar: You marklars must leave.\nHollis: But you will all burn forever in eternal hellfire. [she and the other woman are taken away]\nMarklar: Yes, that's nice. Thank you for stopping by.\nStan: Well Marvin, it was sure cool seeing you again.\nMarvin: Chak chak glika gm gm guchab mglup.\nKyle: No, we gotta go. Sally Struthers is gonna give us a ride back to Earth.\nSally: Bwo chaaga bi.\nBoys: [leaving] Goodbye, Marvin.\nMarvin: Chak chak m geteaub m * *.\nStan: Maybe we'll come and visit sometime.\nCartman: Yeah, and maybe Jesse Jackson will be President, heh.\nStan: Dude!\nCartman: What? We're not gonna come visit him.\nStan: I know, but you don't tell him that!\nCartman: T'heh, whatever. [the Ethiopians chatter over their new home and head for the lake at the foot of the waterfall]\nDVDA: [Over end credits] I am Chewbacca I am a Wookie I am Chewbacca I have no home My home is where My spirit goes"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The bus stop, morning. The boys are dressed in Union blue. Stan bears the flag, Kyle and Kenny have fifes, and Cartman carries a drum.\nStan: Ready? 1-2-3-4. [the boys begin to march forward and play.]\nCartman: Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?! [answers himself] Yes, I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore!\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?\nCartman: I'm playing the drum.\nKyle: Well, you have to hit it softer!\nCartman: You can't just \"hit\" a drum, you have to beat the shit out of it! [to the drum, hitting it once in a while] Shut you butthole, or I'll kick your ass, you fucking drum!! [to Kyle] That's how you rock, dude.\nKyle: You're not supposed to rock, you're supposed to keep the beat!\nCartman: I am keepin' the beat; your flute-playing sucks!\nStan: That's it, Cartman, you can't be the drummer!\nCartman: Ey, I'll get it!\nKyle: Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow! You're not gonna get it by tomorrow!\nCartman: Yes I will!\nStan: Alright alright. Let's just try it again. 1-2-3-4. [again, the march and play. Cartman gets carried away and the others glare at him]\nCartman: Go!!! Does Cleveland like to rock?! Go!!! Yes, damn it!\nKyle: Cartman!!! [Cartman stops]\nCartman: What?\nKyle: Give me the drum, and you play the flute.\nCartman: No way! Flutes are totally gay!\nKenny: [inspects his flute] (Flutes are gay?)\nStan: Cartman, I'm the leader of the Reenactment Fife and Drum Squad, and I say you play the flute!\nCartman: Oh! Well, you know what I say?! [drops his drum and jumps on it] Screw you guys, I'm going home! [walks away, leaving the drum split in two]\nKyle: You dick!\nCartman: Later.\nScene Description: The South Park Banquet Hall, 8:04 A.M., morning of reenactment. \"Welcome Reenacters.\" People inside chatter away\nJimbo: Alrighty everyone. We just have a few things to go over before we head out to the reenactment battlefield. [the townsmen are dressed in the Blue and the Grey] First of all, I have great news. There are over 200 folks from around the state that have come to see this year's reenactment, and that's the best turnout ever!\nMen: [jump and cheer] Yes! Woohoo, yea!\nStan: Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation, they're not gonna let him in the reenactment. [Kyle and Kenny are also present]\nKyle: He'll show.\nStan: He'd better!\nJimbo: I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores.\nMen: Whoa. Mmm.\nMr. Garrison: Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.\nStuart: [coughs] Hih yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too.\nJimbo: And now, to clarify how the reenactment should unfold, let's bring up our master historian, Grandpa Marvin Marsh, [Grandpa rolls up in his wheelchair amid applause] the only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War... reenactment of 1924.\nKyle: Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?\nStan: Dude, that's not cool.\nCartman: [arrives dressed in the Grey] Good morning, gentlemen.\nStan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?\nKyle: Yeah! You're dressed up like the South.\nCartman: Yes. This year, I've decided to fight for the glorious South. Screw you guys, home. And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time.\nStan: You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass!\nCartman: Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.\nGrandpa: Okay, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks into the air, and if someone says they killed ya, you gotta play dead.\nKyle: The South loses this battle, Cartman. They lose the war!\nCartman: Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win.\nKyle: No they're not, stupid!\nCartman: Yes we are!\nKyle: How much do you wanna bet?!\nJimbo: Now remember, everybody: for a good reenactment we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're really in the Civil War. So when the North wins, all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed. [continues as the boys speak]\nKyle: Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna bet the South doesn't win?!\nCartman: Well, this war is about slavery, so how about if the South wins, you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month.\nKyle: And if the North wins you're our slave for a month??\nCartman: Right.\nKyle: You're on!\nCartman: Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, and see you on the battlefield. [walks away]\nStan: Hoohoo what a dumbass!\nKyle: Yeah. He doesn't even know that the South loses the Civil War.\nStan: It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.\nJimbo: ...And with that, let's all go to Tamarack Hill and put on a good show!\nMen: [jump and cheer] Yes! Woohoo, yea!\nScene Description: \"Tamarack Hill,\" 9:00 A.M. The Reenactment. Bleachers flank Grandpa on either side as the North and the South face off before him. Each side has set up its camp\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the South Park reenactment of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The men in gray are the Confederacy, from the South [Butters is there]; in blue are the Union, from the North [Chef is there, and Kenny has the drum].\nGrandpa: [addressing the spectators] It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to get the bell of Appomattox down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle, but after many hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here now is the reenactment of that great battle. [blows the whistle]\nJimbo: [leading the South] Forward! [The South advances]\nRandy: [leading the North] Let's bring those Confederate bastards down! [the North advances, the boys play their tune]\nJimbo: Fire! [some guns go off]\nConfederate Reenactors: Yeah!\nRandy: Alright men, fire! [some guns go off]\nUnion Reenactors: Yeah! [the battle is joined, and men left and right begin to drop away. Others scream]\nRandy: Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.\nNed: [Jimbo fires a few shots] Ow.\nRandy: Yeh-hah! [the battle continues, and even a cow gets into the act]\nMan 1: [in the stands] Oh, so this is what it was like. [the battle continues, but now it's hand-to-hand combat. Cartman reaches the bell and starts to push it down the hill]\nMan 2: Hey! What's that guy doing?!\nCartman: Yippie! Long live the Confederacy!\nReenactors: [on both sides] Huh? Wha-?\nGrandpa: What the hell?\nRandy: He took the bell!\nGerald: He can't do that!\nGrandpa: The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!\nCartman: [skating by on the bell] Hooray for the South!\nStan: Cartman, you can't do that!\nGrandpa: God dammit! Now we have to start over!\nScene Description: 10:24 A.M., reenactment - second attempt.\nJimbo: Alrighty everyone. [Cartman walks up] We're going to do the entire reenactment again, because of some confusion over the bell. Now, I know you're just trying to help Eric, but we have to let the Union capture the bell this time.\nCartman: But why? Why should they get the bell?\nJimbo: Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose.\nCartman: But we don't have to lose.\nJimbo: What??\nCartman: [assuming command] Gentlemen, we can win this battle! [paces] Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say, \"We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!\" Or, or we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell, \"Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederaseh!\" [some of the men drink schnapps]\nJimbo: [takes a swig] By God, he's right!\nMr. Garrison: Jimbo!\nJimbo: Yeah, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now. And for 22 years us Confederate reenactors have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union reenactors! Well, I'm sick of it!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches every year?!\nStuart: I'm tired of losing this battle!\nJimbo: And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with me?!\nReenactors: Yeah!\nReenactor: Yeah! [drops down drunk. Cartman grins]\nScene Description: The battlefield\nGrandpa: Alright, folks. Sorry for the false start. We're ready to go again. It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to- [turns at the sound of a gun shot and looks as the Confederates charge down the field]\nConfederate 1: Yaaaaah!\nConfederate 2: Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna let you live another day!\nGerald: Uh, what are they doing?\nMr. Garrison: [drunk] You Yankee sons of bitches!\nRandy: [a Confederate shoots him on the belly] Ow! That hurt!\nGrandpa: God dammit, what the hell are they doing?!\nKyle: What do we do?!\nStan: Run for your life, dude! [the boys run off. Cartman watches from the hill as the battle rages on]\nCartman: God bless those men that fight for their freedom. God bless those men! And God bless the Confederasah!\nReenactor: Come on!\nRandy: [tackled by Jimbo] Oh?\nJimbo: [pins Randy to the ground] Surrender your men, general!\nRandy: Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!\nJimbo: [yells] SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!\nRandy: Alright, alright. We surrender. [the Union soldiers drop their guns and raise their arms. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out from behind a tree with their hands up.]\nBarbrady: [in the stands] The South win?\nJimbo: The South wins!\nReenactors: Yeah, woohoo!\nGrandpa: God dammit!\nScene Description: South Park Banquet Hall, 3:45 p.m. Reenactment after party. The men are all in conversation\nJimbo: [walks up to Randy] Well, we can all be friends now. [nudges him] Come on, Randy. Have some s'more schnapps. [hands Randy a bottle]\nRandy: Uh, I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.\nJimbo: Aw, come on. Have a little sip. [Randy sips]\nCartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle] So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves yet?\nKyle: You cheated, Cartman!\nStan: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because the bet was that the South doesn't win the war! And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit!\nKyle: Yeah. Too bad you're such a dumbass in history, or you would have known that!\nCartman: [sighs] I hate you guys so much. So very very much. And this is not over. Not by a long shot. [the men are getting more drunk]\nRandy: [talking to Stuart with slurred speech] All I'm saying is that... is that the Confederates would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka!\nMr. Garrison: That ain't true! The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!\nBartender: Yeah.\nReenactor: Yeah.\nGerald: You're dreaming!\nCartman: [walks up to Jimbo] Perhaps we should take Topeka.\nJimbo: Huh?\nCartman: They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They think the South is a joke. They don't respect our authoritah.\nJimbo: They don't?!\nCartman: No. I say we take Topeka.\nJimbo: [to the crowd] You know what? I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and clear them all around!\nRandy: Huh?\nStuart: That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates would've done and march on to Topeka!\nMr. Garrison: I'll bet we could!\nJimbo: I'll bet we could, too! [pounds on the podium]\nCartman: [throwing his voice] I'll bet you can't.\nJimbo: [jumps back] What?! [then walks and stands in front of the podium] Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!\nCartman: [fake voice] I'll bet you can't, because you guys are all pussies!\nJimbo: Pussies?! Oh yeah?! Men! It's time to show the world what the Confederate Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!\nReenactor 1: Yeah.\nReenactor 2: Yeah.\nJimbo: [walks to the Union soldiers] All o' you men. You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!\nReenactor 3: Yeah.\nReenactor 4: Yeah.\nRandy: Well, the Union be damned!\nJimbo: Let's go!\nMen: Yeah! [all walk out]\nCartman: [trailing, stops by his friends] Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see... Yes, I remember. If the South wins you have to be my slaves for a month.\nKyle: They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon as they sober up, they'll stop.\nCartman: Yes. E-e-enjoy your freedom, gentlemen. Soon, you will be my properteh. Come, Kenny. Come fight for us, and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens.\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [exits with Cartman. The men charge out of the banquet hall growling]\nScene Description: Topeka, Kansas, 7:53 A.M., next morning. A rooster crows. The town goes about its business. A mailman delivers some mail. A woman opens the school door. A traffic cop directs traffic. Two kids play catch in front of the school. The woman returns with the flag and hoists it up on the flagpole, and the mailman drops by.\nMailman: Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.\nMrs. Hollis: Hello, Ralph.\nRalph: Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?\nMrs. Hollis: I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and- [both turn in the direction of a rumble. Everyone stops and looks in the same direction]\nDriver: What's that noise, officer? [the officer looks, and the South Park men rise over a hill and charge towards town.]\nSouth Park Men: Yeah! Yeah!\nJimbo: Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!\nScene Description: Randy knocks Ralph down with the butt of his gun. Gerald tackles Mrs. Hollis. Another man prepares a Molotov cocktail and throws in into a house, then salutes the resulting fire. Jimbo and Med head for the church, and its congregants rush out screaming. Stuart aims at the officer and shoots him\nOfficer: [soothing his ass] Ow!\nStuart: Freeze, buddy. These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell! [the church bell rings. Jimbo is pulling at the rope]\nJimbo: It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!\nReenactors: Yeah!\nRandy: [still holding Ralph] Alright, Yank, tell us where you keep your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!\nRalph: Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess that would be at the liquor store.\nRandy: WHERE?!\nRalph: [desperately] At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!\nRandy: [drops Ralph] Come on, boys! [they all rush the store]\nMrs. Hollis: [looking on] This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.\nCartman: [walks by] Excuse meh.\nScene Description: South Park. Stan and Kyle wait at a regular bus stop\nStan: Dude, my mom is sooo pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.\nKyle: I know, but-why do they have to take it out on us? Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?\nStan: Oh here comes the bus. [a tourist bus. Butters is behind the doors waiting to come out. The doors open and Butters exits. The bus leaves] Butters? Are you the only one that came back?\nButters: Uh, conuh- [salutes] Confederate Messenger Butters reporting, sir. I have a message for you from the battlefield. [offers it]\nStan: What battlefield?!\nButters: Uh Topeka. We're raisin' all kinds of hell, see? [hands the message to Stan] Eh, it's probably the most fun I've had in several months. Wuwell, you gonna read your message or not? [Stan opens and reads the message. A Ken Burns effect sequence starts using a 19th century sepia image of Cartman as General Lee]\nCartman: Dear guys. Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee\nStan: [crumples the message into a ball and throws it away] God dammit, that fat piece of shit!\nKyle: Dude! What if Cartman really does succeed? And we really do have to be his slaves??\nStan: That would suck so much ass.\nKyle: We have to stop him, dude.\nStan: I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us. Where's the Confederate Army now, Butters?\nButters: Uh-uh, wuh-I ain't supposed to tell you that. If I told you that, well, why I'd be a, a no-good Yankee son of a bitch.\nKyle: We'll give you 10 bucks.\nButters: Oh. O-oh, okay.\nScene Description: News Report\nReporter: ...And she was forced to live off her own feces for several days. In national news, [the group's entry into Topeka is shown] a frightening radical group from Colorado is making its way across the Southern states of America. [the guy throwing the Molotov cocktail is shown] The group is recruiting new members in every town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number. [one last attack is shown] So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard. The groups seems to be led by military mastermind and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern [he is shown armed], who is known for his guerrilla-fighting and leadership skills.\nScene Description: Somewhere...\nJimbo: [now bloated and sluggish] Give me some more s'more schnapps! I'm gonna be sick. [vomits] Blouach.\nScene Description: Chattanooga, Tennessee, 2:35 P.M. The town is destroyed and in flames. The men revel in their victory. Stan and Kyle approach the city with Grandpa and look over it from a hill\nStan: Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.\nGrandpa: Well, come on Billy, we've gotta make these little peckers stop before they get themselves killed.\nMan: [running] Aaaaa!\nBrunet: They say you can either fight them or join them.\nBlond: Well I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!\nStan: [now in town] Dad, Dad. [Randy appears and stops] Mom wants you to come home.\nRandy: Not now, uh Stan, I'm pillaging. [a resident runs by] Get over here!\nKyle: You've got to stop, Dad. If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves!\nGerald: This is a reenactment, Kyle. My name is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to do what my general tells me!\nJimbo: Hey! There's some more schnapps over here!\nGerald: More schnapps! [moves towards it]\nSgt. Larsen: [the National Guard arrives] I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard. We're here to stop the terrorists.\nGrandpa: They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.\nLarsen: Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's innocents and children about. Dawkins!\nDawkins: Sir!\nLarsen: Fire a warning flare!\nDawkins: Yes sir! [launches the flare. The flare goes up in the air, lands right on Kenny and burns him to a crisp.]\nJimbo: Medic! [amid the panic, a medic comes and extinguishes Kenny.]\nLarsen: Woops.\nStan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!\nGrandpa: You bastards!\nKyle: Hey!\nSoldier: [off camera] We can't fire at them, sir. There are too many children.\nLarsen: Then how do we stop them?\nStan: I know! But we'll have to wait until dark.\nScene Description: South Park, Kenny's house, morning. Mrs. McCormick comes out to pick up the day's mail. She finds a letter, opens it, and reads... (Another Ken Burns effect sequence starts with Cartman as General Lee\nCartman: Dear Ms. McCormick. It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your son Kenny was killed in battle [her brows rise in surprise] on the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga. This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your son seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain. Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate them so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee.\nScene Description: The Confederate camp. The men relax and talk. Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and Larsen sneak in...\nStan: There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning they're all gonna wanna go home.\nGrandpa: Nice thinkin', Billy.\nLarsen: Let's go. [they proceed to carry the schnapps away]\nJimbo: [enters Cartman's tent] Where to next, General?\nCartman: [with pipe in mouth] Where did the Confederates go, son?\nJimbo: Well, I guess uh Fort Sumter in South Carolina. That's where the Civil War really escalated.\nCartman: Ah, splendid. Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.\nJimbo: Welluh, that sounds great. I'm gonna get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?\nCartman: [turns around] Yeah. Can I get some of those animal cookies? Those frosty ones with the sprinkles on 'em.\nJimbo: Um, sure. [exits to get some schnapps. He lifts a case and removes the lid, but finds the case empty. He takes a second case and again finds it empty] What the-? Ey, where's the s'more schnapps?\nRandy: [with a guitar] We're out of s'more schnapps?\nMr. Garrison: [checks his empty bottle] That can't be.\nJimbo: I guess we drank it all.\nDawkins: Now what?\nStan: Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, Cartman. Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave.\nKyle: Yeah.\nScene Description: The Confederate camp, 7:29 A.M., next morning, 7 hours without schnapps.\nSoldier 1: Uugh.\nSoldier 2: Ouch.\nRandy: [exits his tent] Oh, my head.\nGerald: Where am I?\nJimbo: [sits next to Ned on a bench] Ned, I think I can say without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.\nNed: Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.\nMr. Garrison: [rises in his sleeping bag behind Stuart] Oh no, I'm supposed to be at work today.\nStuart: Me, too.\nJimbo: [stands] Well, come on everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station, quick.\nCartman: [at his tent entrance] Where are you going?\nJimbo: We're goin' home kid. Come on. [walks off]\nCartman: We can't go home, we have to take Fort Sumter! [Randy stops by]\nRandy: Uh, the only thing we have to do is get home before our wives leave us.\nCartman: [watching the sober Confederates walk away] No! What about the Confederasuh?! What about freedom?!\nStan: [rushes up with Kyle and Grandpa] Haha! You lose, fatass!\nCartman: God, I hate you guys!\nKyle: Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned something today. You've learned that you can't rewrite history. [Cartman eyes a phone...] You see, history is forever, [...and an empty schnapps case next to it] and everything happens for a reason. [Cartman turns and walks] Sure, you can try and change the past, but usually you kno-\nStan: Where are you going?\nCartman: This isn't over! Oh no! Oh no, not by a long shot! [Stan and Kyle just look at each other]\nScene Description: The long march home... The group is in a meadow.\nRandy: Ogh. I don't believe we came all the way out here.\nJimbo: Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here.\nStuart: Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado is gonna run? [two schnapps trucks pull up and the drivers drop down. They head to the rears of the trucks and start unloading case after case of Jagermin's]\nSuzette: Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl. [Cartman gets out of the truck and walks up behind her] We are pleased to sponsor you with all the S'more Schnapps you need.\nRandy: Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff.\nGerald: Me neither.\nCartman: Uh uh come uh, come on, guys. Just one little drink. Uh a toast to how far you came and all that you saw.\nSuzette: Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts. [pours two bottles into her cleavage]\nJimbo: Well, uh I guhess one little cheers is in order.\nScene Description: Soon, the men are drunk again and having a good time.\nJimbo: Hey, look! Ned's doin' his trick again! [Ned tumbles by wearing a fancy lampshade]\nMr. Garrison: [rushes up] Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of \"grab ass.\"\nGerald: What's \"grab ass?\"\nMr. Garrison: You know. We just run around in circles and try to grab each others' asses.\nRandy: Ey, that sounds fun. [grabs Mr. Garrison's ass]\nMr. Garrison: Hohoho.\nSolders: I got you. Oo-oh. [the men laugh and chase each other around trying to grab asses here and there]\nCartman: [intervenes] Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party, but I believe we have a fort to take.\nJimbo: You heard the General.\nSoldiers: Yeah! [all charge out. Empty schnapps cases litter the field]\nStan: [reaches the scene a bit late] Oh, no.\nKyle: We'll never stop them now.\nScene Description: The March of War. Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta, Georgia; then eastern and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando, Florida. The group is on a log ride\nSoldiers: Woohoo!\nCartman: Yes! Yes!\nScene Description: Southeast Georgia is struck, then Darling County, South Carolina.\nScene Description: Fort Sumter, day. A tour is taking place.\nGuide: Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities tried to drive out the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.\nTourist: And the Confederates won the fort?\nGuide: Yes. [turns and leads the group to the gates] Imagine what it must have been like: you're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you. [the group stares in awe at the seemingly thousands of Confederates just outside the gate. The guide turns to see...] Uh...\nCartman: Take the fort!\nJimbo: Charge!\nMen: Yeah! [they enter] Woohoo, yeah, come on!\nJimbo: We got it! The fort is ours! [a cannon blast knocks Randy down]\nRandy: What was that?? [the National Guard has caught up with the Confederates and now surrounds the fort.]\nLarsen: [on the bullhorn] Attention political activists: you are on government historical monument property! Surrender the monument with your hands up! If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.\nStan: [takes the bullhorn] Give up, fatass! There's over a hundred National Guards down here.\nCartman: Suck my ass!\nJimbo: What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.\nCartman: We asked the State of South Carlina for recruits. The reinforcements are bound to show up.\nLarsen: Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.\nStan: No, you can't do that. Our dads are there.\nLarsen: Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now we do it our way. Prepare the mortar.\nElderly Voice: Hold it right there! [The camera zooms out to show the rowdy reinforcements converge on Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and the National Guard]\nJimbo: Wow, look at that! The entire state of South Carolina showed up! [other men grin with joy]\nCartman: I knew they would!\nStan: Aw, dammit!\nLeader: [saluting] We're ready to fight with ya. Long live the Confederacy!\nMen: Yee-haw! All right!\nCartman: Now our numbers are truly great. It is time. It is time to march to Washington D.C.!\nScene Description: Washington D.C., 7:45 A.M., next day. The group has entered the city and are protesting outside the white house. The Million Confederate March?\nJimbo: Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore! You hear that?! You Government?! [Clinton looks out the window with two advisors]\nAl Gore: Oh boy, this doesn't look good.\nScene Description: the three men turn away from the window\nAdvisor: It's just like the Million Man March, except that there actually are a million people.\nAide: Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists! [Clinton reads:]\nCartman: Dear Mr. President. There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare the Confederaceh its own nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes we have of you with Marisa Tomei.\nClinton: Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their demands.\nAdvisor: What?? Sir, there's- there's not that many of them.\nAl Gore: As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better give them what they want. It's just the Southern states; who really needs them?\nClinton: My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.\nAide: [salutes] Sir!\nAl Gore: I'm so glad I don't have your job. [Clinton is surprised]\nScene Description: back outside in the raucous crowd\nStan: Dude, let's just give up right now and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves.\nGrandpa: Dammit, Billy, this isn't about you havin' to be slaves! This is about history! We can't let them change it!\nStan: Well, we've tried everything, Grandpa. What else can we do?\nGrandpa: Wait a minute! They're all still doing a reenactment. What we have to do is play into that. Come on, Billy. You boys need a quick history lesson! [wheels away]\nScene Description: The Capitol, later. President Clinton is at a table on the Capitol with Gore and others\nClinton: All right, I'm gonna sign the document declarin' the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.\nConfederates: [exulting] Hooray!\nJimbo: [to Cartman] Boy, we really got the President by the balls. Good thing you have that videotape of him and Marisa Tomei.\nCartman: I don't. I made it up. [Kyle and Stan approach Clinton as Lincoln and Davis, respectively]\nJimbo: Hey! Who's that?!\nKyle: Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.\nStan: Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy.\nClinton: Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?\nCartman: What the hell are you guys doing?!\nJimbo: Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!\nStan: Men, I want you all to know that as President of the Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering.\nCartman: What?!\nKyle: Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree to your conditions. You and all the Confederates will have all the S'more Schnapps you can drink for a year.\nConfederates: Wow!\nRandy: A whole year?\nJimbo: All right! Well, I think we got what we wanted.\nClinton: That's it? I-I don't have to sign this thing? [Kyle and Stan turn to each other and shake hands]\nGerald: Hey, come on. We should take a tour of the Smithsonian before we head back.\nCartman: No! We still have to fight!\nJimbo: [stops] Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, General. The war is over.\nCartman: NOOO!!\nStan: [walks over with Kyle] It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!\nKyle: Yeah. And now you can take that stupid beard off! [tugs at it until it pulls off]\nCartman: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- [the camera zooms out for a view of the city, then the planet, then the Milky Way, then the binary-star system of Marklar, the Marklar themselves, then another planet, then the Visitors are seen...] -AAAH!\nClinton: [walks up and genuflects behind Stan and Kyle, patting each of them on the shoulder] Boys, as President of the United States, I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising.\nStan: Don't touch me. [Clinton stands up]\nKyle: Well Cartman, the South lost! That mean you're our slave for a month!\nCartman: Dammit! Dammit, I was so close! Dammit!\nStan: Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is-\nCartman: Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave.\nKyle: What??\nCartman: The North still won the Civil War! That means slavery is abolished!\nClinton: Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.\nStan: Awwww!\nCartman: Hahahaha haa ha!\nStan: Aw, the hell with it. Let's go home. [he and Kyle walk away with Grandpa] Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!\nKyle: Yeah. Thanks, dick!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears\nAnchor: Fighting the frizzies, at 11.\nScene Description: Intro. Mailman, tall and lanky with a very long cheek, walks into view\nMailman: We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow But all of those stories seem kind of... gay Cuz we all know who brightens up our holiday!\nScene Description: Robert T. Pooner Presents. Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs\nMailman and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo\nMailman: Small and brown, he comes from you.\nMailman and Kids: Sit on the toilet; here he comes!\nMailman: Squeeze in 'tween your festive buns. [A boy dances on his ass on the toilet] A present from down below, [Timmy dances with some kids] Spreading joy with a\nMailman and Kids: Mailman and Kids: |[the kids wave] Howdy Ho!\nMailman: [a kid holds up a Hankey X-ray] He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause\nMailman and Kids: Mailman and Kids|[Mailman leads them] He's a piece of poo!\nMailman: Sometimes he's nutty [a girl holds a drawing], sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing]. He can be brown or greenish brown [Mailman holds two sheets of construction paper].\nKids: Mmm-mmm.\nMailman: But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, He might come to your town. [a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]\nMailman and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo\nMailman: He loves me, I love you. Therefore, vicariously he loves you\nBradley Biggle: [has pants pulled down behind a bush] I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! [craps]\nMr. Hankey: [pops out from behind the bushes] HOWDY HO! I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Season's greetings to all of you. Let's sing songs and dance and play [moves in between two kids and holds hands with them] Now, before I melt away [throws himself onto the Mailman's head] Here's a game I like to play: [skips onto every open mouth] Stick me in your mouth and try to say,\nAll: \"Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum.\"\nMr. Hankey: Christmastime has come!\nGirl 1: Sometimes he's runny.\nBoy 1: Sometimes he's firm.\nGirl 2: Sometimes he's practically water.\nMan on Porto Potty: [opens the door] Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass And won't fall in the toilet Cuz he's just clinging to your sphincter And he won't drop off and so you ...shake your ass around And try to get it to drop into the toilet And finally it does.. [Timmy closes the door and clears his throat]\nMailman and Kids: [Mr. Hankey now leads them] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo\nMailman: When Christmas leaves; he must leave too. [Santa lands with reindeer]\nMailman and Kids: [Mr. Hankey hops on and waves good-bye. They wave good-bye back] Flush him down, but he's ne-ver gone! [normal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-ers on!\nKids: Howdy Ho!\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base\nMr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' a little bit different tonight. Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. And if ya don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls. So let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song, sung by my favorite Jewish person in the whole world.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike watch it spin and fall\nKyle: Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah. [picks it up] This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song: [begins to dance] I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play. [gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]\nCartman: Hey, what the hell are you doing?!\nKyle: Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; you wanna try?\nCartman: Sure. [takes it and walks up to the camera. Kyle sways to the song] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay.\nKyle: [stops] Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!\nCartman: [moves to block Kyle from view. Kyle moves to the other side of the screen to be seen. They go back and forth like this for a while] Jews.. ...play stupid games Jews... that's why they're lame.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nCartman: that's why they're lame.\nStan: [Enters] What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing.\nCartman: It's sooo amazing! [shows the dreidel to Stan] You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round. I could watch it aaall day!\nStan: Let me try. [takes it and spins it on the rug] I'll try to make it spin. It fell; I'll try again.\nScene Description: together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike dances on the sofa behind them\nKyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.\nStan: I'll try to make it spin.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: It fell; I'll try again.\nScene Description: together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa, then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of David. Stan keeps trying...\nKyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: I'll try\nCartman: Jews..\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nStan: to make it spin.\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: It fell;\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: I'll try again.\nCartman: that's why they're lame.\nKyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: I'll try\nScene Description: Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries it out front\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nto make it spin.: Dialog\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: It fell,\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: I'll try again. </poem>\nCartman: that's why they're lame.\nSheila: Hello, boys!\nKyle: Hi, Mom!\nSheila: Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people.\nCartman: Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so very interesting.\nSheila: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin [spins herself] You'll know our people always win. Keep spinning: Learn\nCartman: Jews...\nSheila: to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nSheila: You'll know [high kick]\nCartman:: Jews...\nSheila: our people always win.\nCartman: [hushed]] that's why they're lame. [Gerald enters]\nKyle: Oh, hi Dad.\nGerald: Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?\nKyle: Sure! I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!\nScene Description: together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: I'll try\nSheila: Now when you learn\nGerald: Courtney Cox,\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nStan: to make it spin.\nSheila: to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]\nGerald: I love you.\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nKyle: reidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: It fell;\nSheila: You'll know [high kick. Gerald holds her]\nGerald: You're so hot\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: I'll try again.\nSheila: our people always win.\nGerald: on that show.\nCartman: that's why they're lame.\nScene Description: All now dance in place\nKyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: I'll try\nSheila: Keep spinning: learn\nGerald: Courtney Cox,\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nStan: to make it spin.\nSheila: to make the dreidel spin\nGerald: I love you.\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: It fell,\nSheila: You'll know\nGerald: You're so hot\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: I'll try again.\nSheila: our people always win.\nGerald: on that show.\nScene Description: The others stop singing, but continue dancing\nGerald: Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.\nKyle: Dad? [Cartman stops]\nGerald: Courtney Cox,\nKyle: Dad.\nGerald: I- huh? [stops singing]\nKyle: We're singing about a dreidel.\nGerald: [stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.\nSheila: We'll talk about this later, Gerald!\nScene Description: together, alternate with Cartman, resume song and dance. Kyle is up front. Left: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald. Right: Stan and Sheila\nKyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: I'll try\nSheila: Now when you learn\nGerald: Courtney Cox,\nCartman: Jews...\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nStan: to make it spin.\nSheila: to make the dreidel spin\nGerald: I love you.\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nScene Description: Front: Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: It fell,\nSheila: You'll know\nGerald: You're so hot\nCartman: Jews...\nScene Description: Front: Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right: Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: I'll try again.\nSheila: our people always win.\nGerald: on that show.\nCartman: that's why they're lame.\nScene Description: Front: Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.\nKyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: I'll try\nSheila: Keep spinning: learn\nGerald: Courtney Cox,\nCartman: Jews...\nScene Description: Front: Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right: Ike, Kyle, and Sheila\nKyle: I made you out of clay.\nStan: to make it spin.\nSheila: to make the dreidel spin\nGerald: I love you.\nCartman: ...play stupid games.\nScene Description: Front: Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald and Cartman. Center: Sheila\nKyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,\nStan: It fell,\nSheila: You'll know\nGerald: You're so hot\nCartman: Jews...\nScene Description: big finish. Kyle steps forward. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman and Gerald. On the sofa back: Ike. Some more dancing ensues\nKyle: with dreidel I shall play.\nStan: I'll try again.\nSheila: our people- know our people always win.\nGerald: on that show.\nCartman: that's why they're lame.\nScene Description: Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera zooms in, only to see it fall.\nScene Description: Back at the armchair...\nMr. Hankey: Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But now, for our next song, hold on to your bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!\nScene Description: Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree stand, but there's no tree in it.\nAdolf: O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, [little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas tree] wie treu sind deine Blätter. De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit, [little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball] Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit. [Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers. He salutes.] O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter. [live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks down]\nSatan: [walks up] Hey, Hitler. [turns to face him] What's the matter, little guy?\nAdolf: Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter.\nSatan: Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?\nAdolf: ...nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.\nSatan: [the damned appear around him] Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round! String up the lights and light up the tree. We're gonna make some revelry! Spirits are high, so I can tell, [two of the damned stand up and dance] It's Christmastime in Hell. Demons are nicer as you pass them by. [passes them in front of Azrael's Toys] There's lots of demon toys to buy. The snow is falling, and all is well. [a volcano behind the store erupts] It's\nWith Demons: Christmastime in Hell!\nSatan: There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham. [Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door] After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can. And there goes John F. Kennedy, caroling with his son. [they stop by to sing with him]\nWith the Kennedys: Reunited for the holidays, God bless us, everyone!\nWith the Damned: Everybody has a happy glow!Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.\nSatan: Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell [Mao is making a snow angel]\nWith Choir: It's Christmastime in Hell!\nSatan: Adolf, here's a present for you! [hands him a present]\nAdolf: Oh? [opens the gift, it's the Christmas tree he wanted] Ein tannenbaum! [hugs it]\nSatan: Yes, ein tannenbaum.\nFemales: Aaa-aaa!\nSatan: God cast me down from heaven's door [hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car] To rule in Hell forevermore. But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,\nWith Choir: 'Cause it's Christmastime in Hell!\nWith Males: Here's a rack to hang the stockings on [...the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]\nWith Females: We still have to shop for Genghis Khan [seen]\nSatan: Michael Landon's hair looks swell.\nWith Choir: It's Christmastime in Hell!\nSatan: There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow. [She does hold the mistletoe; Gene goes down on her]\nWith Choir: For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick. [a demon turns down the flames] All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick! So, [Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him an armchair] String up the lights and light up the tree. [with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JFK Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer] We're damned for all eternity. But for just one day all is well. It's Christmastime in Hell!!!\nSatan: Gather close together and make it quick! We gotta make room for Andy Dick.[shows the picture]\nWith Choir: [slowing, takes away the set] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's... [three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]\nSatan and Males: [normal, on an altar] Christmastime...\nFemales: Christmastime... [demons carry Christmas ornaments]\nMales: Christmastime... [other fly up with angel wings]\nFemales: Christmastime... [others dance around a burning tree]\nSatan and Males: Christmastime... [Satan on the stage. In front of him...]\nFemales: Christmastime... [one demon flies up and left]\nMales: It's Christmastime... [one flies up and right]\nFemales: Christmastime... [one flies straight up]\nAll: It's Christ-mas-time in Hell!!!![the damned form circles around two trees. Demons hover around Satan]\nBailey: [walking by] Merry Christmas, movie house!\nSatan: Brrrrrrroom! [Demons fly away]\nScene Description: The anchorman reappears\nAnchor: Fighting the frizzies, at 11.\nScene Description: Star Wars lettering: \"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics\"\nKids: Howdy-ho!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He comes out dressed as a bell\nAlone: Uh. Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells. All seem to say, \"Ding-dong, m'kay.\"\nScene Description: a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right\nCenter: Christmas is here, bringing good cheerTo young and old, meek and the bold\nRight: Ding DongDing Dong\nScene Description: a second Mackey head appears on the lower left\nCenter: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their songWith joyful ring, all caroling\nLeft: Ding DongDing Dong\nRight: Ding DongDing M'kay\nScene Description: three Mackeys appear in split-screen\nAll: One seems to hear words of good cheerFrom everywhere filling the air.\nScene Description: a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, joins the other three, but sings his own part\nCenters and Right: O, how they pound raising their soundO, here and there telling their tale\nLeft: O, wailTelling their tale (daily now)\nScene Description: all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house\nAll: Gaily they ring while people sing Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.\nScene Description: the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.\nCenter 1: Merry Merry Merry Merry ChristmasMerry Merry Merry Merry Christmas\nCenter 2: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their songWith joyful ring, all caroling\nRight: Ding DongDing Dong ding-\nLeft: Ding- Can you hear them?Ding- Can you hear them?\nScene Description: the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble table\nLeft: On, on they send, on without end,Their joyful tone to every home\nRight: Ding DongDi-ing m'kay.\nCenters: Ding DongDi-ing!\nScene Description: one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house\nCenter: Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.All seem to say, \"Ding-dong, m'kay.\"\nRight: Dong_______________________\nLeft: Dong_________________m'kay.\nScene Description: all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone\nLeft: On, on they send, on without end,Their joyful tone to every home\nRight: M'kay M'kay___________\nCenter: M'kay_________________\nScene Description: the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the four appear in front of the house\nAll: ing dong ding-dong, m'kay___\nScene Description: one Mackey bell remains\nCenter: M'kay.\nScene Description: Back at the armchair...\nMr. Hankey: Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it? But let's not forget that for some people Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman.\nScene Description: The town of Bethlehem. Cartman is superimposed on it. He's in formal wear.\nCartman: And... O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shi-ning [The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men] It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birth [The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal Cartman vanishes] O Holy Night, the- something, something, dis- aah. [Formal Cartman before a starry sky] It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie. [Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself to a pie] Jesus was born, and so I get presents. [Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene, Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.] Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o) [back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at Baby Jesus.] Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman] On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees] And hear (Can't you hear) The angels'.. something (Voices) O night (O night) [Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is covered in candy canes] Divine (Divine) [Formal Cartman] The night When I get presents (O-o) [at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant for Jesus] O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents] Di-viiine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home] [Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo) O night, di-vine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden camels away] Oh. Ah. Ch.\nScene Description: Back at the armchair..\nMr. Hankey: Well, oh boy, that was a super song! And now, let's hear from the school teacher, Mr. Garrison.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has drawn a world map on the board.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season.\nClass: [flatly] Awww.\nKenny: (What?!)\nMr. Garrison: Now, pay attention. Ahem... I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East [points it out] No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.[shows some Arabic writing] And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, [tosses the picture away] [In the Middle East] Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! Put down that book, the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes [rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as a tree] In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday [removes the veils of two women] So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. [sticks a candy cane in the man's house] There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. [pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.] They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug] They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.[holds up a book: \"The Night Before Christmas\"] And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout, [In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails] Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. [gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another] In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday. [wraps a few people in Christmas lights] So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate. [passes out wreaths] Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin. They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin. On December 25th all they do is eat a cake. And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say, Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum. In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do. [throws some straw on the musicians] So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you. [knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps others in lights] [dressed as Santa, dances around the class] On Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say, \"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too! Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you.\" [Mr. Hat claps] Uh, thank you, Mr. Hat.\nScene Description: The anchorman reappears\nAnchor: Frizzies, at 11.\nScene Description: Star Wars lettering: \"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics\"\nKids: Howdy-ho!\nScene Description: A happy Shelly Marsh plays piano, but...\nShelly: I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day I saw three ships come sailing in [Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears] On Christmas Day, in the morning. [Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed] And what was in those ships, all three? [Stan starts to slurp on his fingers, then the boys chuckle] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day And what- [turns and points at them] Shut up, turds! [silence] -was in those ships all three On Christmas Day, in the morning? The Virgin Mary and Christ were there [Stan mimics Shelly with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles a laugh] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [Kyle cracks up] The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TUUUURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. Kyle stifles his laughing] -Christ were there On Christmas Day, in the morning. Let us all rejoice, amain, [Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the boys burst out laughing] And let- [walks to the boys] I told you to shut up! [Stan stifles his laugh] [back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain, On Christmas Day, in the morning. [the boys make faces again] Shelly is starting to get pissed [the boys begin to chuckle] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the chuckle get louder] Shelly got up and killed the turds [the laughs roll out] On Christmas Day, in the MORNING! [picks up the piano...]\nStan: AAAA! [...and slams it down on the boys. She walks away.]\nScene Description: Back at the armchair...\nMr. Hankey: Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season.\nScene Description: McKemick's Night Club. Tonight: Jesus and Saint Nick. A man goes towards the club.\nEmcee: Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. Now, please put your hands together and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ. [Jesus and Santa enter on stage, and the audience claps]\nSanta: Hello, everybody!\nJesus: [waves] How are y'all doing tonight?\nSanta: You know, Jesus, there've been so many songs written about us over the years.\nJesus: That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them. Like this one. Joy to the world, for I have come. Let earth receive Me! Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]\nSanta: And heaven and nature sing...\nJesus: And heaven and nature sing...\nSanta: And heaven and nature sing...\nJesus: And heaven and na-\nBoth: And heaven and heaven and nature sing.\nSanta: You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like... this one: Up on the housetop reindeer pause Out jumps good old... me. [get some applause] Down through the chimney with lots of toys All for the little ones' Christmas joys\nBoth: [sway together] Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?\nSanta: Up on the housetop, click click click.Down through the chimney with good old... me.\nJesus: He he hoo, get away! [pushes him away]\nSanta: Go away??\nJesus: Get away.\nSanta: Where away?\nJesus: [gets some applause] Away in the manger, no crib for My bed That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head. The stars in the sky (Santa: Ooooo)\nBoth: Looked down where I lay.\nJesus: Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)\nBoth: asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.\nJesus: [gets some applause and sings upbeat] O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me...\nSanta: Here's one, Jol-\nJesus: Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-\nSanta: Hey, it's my turn.\nJesus: -to Me!Silent Night,\nSanta: Uh.\nJesus: Holy Night\nSanta: Santa Cl- em\nJesus: All is calm, all is brightRound yon Virgin, Mother and Me.\nSanta: Saint Nicholas... can't think of one.\nJesus: Holy Me, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace. [slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace.\nSanta: Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember: Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.\nJesus: Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song, bud. Ah... that's-\nSanta: I know, but there's, like, three-hundred Jesus Christmas songs and only four fucking Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving. [walks off the stage]\nJesus: Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.\nSanta: Aw, fuck you, Jesus!\nJesus: But Santa... The weather outside is frightful\nSanta: [offscreen] Aw.\nJesus: But the fire so delightful\nSanta: [returns to the stage] Well, since I've no place to go.\nBoth: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [more applause]\nJesus: It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.\nSanta: But I brought some corn for poopity-poppin'.\nJesus: The lights are turned way down low, so Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [Santa: Snow... snow... snow.]\nBoth: The fire is slowly dyin',\nSanta: And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',\nJesus: But as long as you love me so,\nBoth: [they dance and hold hands, then Jesus twirls him. Santa spins off the stage]Let it snow, let it snow,\nJesus: let it snow!\nSanta: [slides back on stage on his knees] Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand! [the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb]\nScene Description: The anchorman reappears\nAnchor: Fighting frizzies, at 11.\nScene Description: Star Wars lettering: \"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics\"\nKids: Howdy-ho!\nScene Description: A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.\nMr. Hankey: Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was sure nice hangin' out with y'all again. Well, I guess if there's just... one thing I have left to say, it would be this: Have yourself a merry little Christmas May your heart be light From now on, our troubles will be out of sight. Have yourself a merry little Christmas Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl] From now on, our troubles will be miles away. [hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on happily, leaves his mark,then hops onto his armchair]\nWith boys: [In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him. Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.] Here we are as in olden days, Happy golden days, of yore. [The females join Stan and Kyle: Wendy, Shelly, Sheila, Liane, Mrs. McCormick, Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms. Crabtree.] Faithful friends who are dear to us [Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier] Gather near to us once more. [Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]\nThe Boys: Through the years we all will be together [the boys embrace shoulders and stand united] If the Fates allow. [the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]\nMr. Hankey: Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. [Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses Stan, JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]\nWith Boys: And have yourself a merry little Christmas now. [Some of the characters in the other songs come in and smile: Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman, Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelly. Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]\nCartman: [takes Mr. Hankey from Kyle] Time to go, Mr. Hankey.\nMr. Hankey: Goodbye, everybody, [Cartman flushes him down] and Meeeeerry Christmas! [Stan and Kyle join Cartman to see Mr. Hankey be flushed away.]\nKyle: [into the toilet bowl] Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.\nScene Description: The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.\nScene Description: The anchorman reappears\nAnchor: And now, fighting the frizzies. [begins to box what looks like a frizzy monster.]\nScene Description: \"Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel\" plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and the credits roll.\nAnchor: Come on! Kick my ass! [he and the monster continue boxing]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards Tom's Rhinoplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby New Year.\nStan: Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve? It has to be awesome.\nKyle: I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!\nCartman: [runs up] You guys! You guys! [pants] Guess what?\nKyle: What, fatass?!\nCartman: I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys! [grins]\nKenny: (...What?)\nStan: No you didn't!\nCartman: Yes! I really did.\nStan: How do you know?\nCartman: Well, because yesterday I got my period. [lets the words hang there for a moment]\nKyle: You got your what?\nCartman: My period, you guys. You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature takes its course by having you bleed out your ass for a few days every month.\nStan: You're making that up! [a woman steps out of a small building, and he addresses her] Miss Aliton, what's it mean to get a period?\nMiss Aliton: Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell you. Ah-\nStan: Please, it's important.\nMiss Aliton: Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed, you know, down there. [points to the region]\nKyle: Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right! [Miss Aliton turns and walks away. The boys turn to face Cartman]\nCartman: Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve. I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm ma-ture. [begins to dance away backwards] I got my period, and you guys didn't. I got my period, and you guys didn't. [skips out of view]\nStan: Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us.\nKyle: Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too. I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding out my ass.\nKenny: (Me too.)\nScene Description: TV 4 News Flash\nAnchor Tom: In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children. Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt with simple antibiotics. [turns to face another camera, and a new picture, \"New Year's Eve 1999\" appears] Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new millennium is almost upon us, and all over the world people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another. [In New York, amid burning buildings, one man beats another man over the head with a bat. In Paris, people drop down from on high, and in Beijing people torch each other] But probably the biggest event of the millennium is one happening in South Park, Colorado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by.\nScene Description: Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are everywhere\nNetzel: Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days until the new millennium, and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus, here at his house in South Park. [the camera begins to pan to the right. A man with two kids next to him sit in chairs. Skeeter and his friends are there, too] Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out, because as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love. [the front door opens] Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out! [turns to face the house. Jesus peeks out from it]\nWoman: [picks up her son and points Jesus out] Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you see him?\nBoy: He's neat, Mommy. [cameras go off as the crowd stands behind some \"Jesus line. Do not cross\" lines. Jesus drops back into his house, then peeks out again]\nNetzel: [softly] Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous. [Jesus moves forward] But he has taken another step out, Tom! This is great new for us!\nJesus: Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing? [people lower their cameras, puzzled] Can I help you with something? [no one moves]\nNetzel: ...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus.\nJesus: Uuh-huh?\nNetzel: Well, it's \"The Millennium\".\nMan 1: Yeah.\nMan 2: Yeah.\nMan 3: Yeah.\nCameraman: Right.\nJesus: So, what happens at the millennium?\nNetzel: ...I don't know.\nJimbo: We thought you did.\n\"Y2K\" Man: Yeah, you're supposed to know!\nMan 4: Yeah!\nMan 5: Yeah, you're Jesus.\nMan 6: Hey!\nMan 5: You're the one in control.\nJesus: Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye shall find peace.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear somethin' new! It's the year 2000, for Christ's sake!\nCrowd: Yeah!\nJesus: Well, what do ya want?\nFr. Maxi: We want to see God!\nRandy: Yeah, with our own eyes.\nCrowd: Yeah!\nJimbo: We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!\nCrowd: Yeah!\nWoman: That's right!\nJesus: Oh. Uuuh, let me think about that for a minute. [backs up and closes the door. The people in the crowd are left to talk amongst themselves]\nMan With Picket Sign: [to man to his left] Is that good?\nMan 7: I don't know.\nMan 8: I don't know. Is that good or not?!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.\nStan: Hello?\nKyle: Dude, did you get your period yet?\nStan: No, there's no blood coming out of my ass.\nKyle: Mine neither. But I double-checked, and Cartman was right. Your period is the start of puberty.\nStan: Well, if Cartman is the only one who get it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways.\nKyle: Yeah.\nScene Description: The McCormick shack, the restroom. Kenny reads from the South Park Enquirer on the pot. A stool drops into the toilet, and Kenny gets up to check it out\nKenny: [seeing the red streak] (Woohoo! [jumps for joy] Woohoooo!)\nScene Description: Al's Pharmacy. Inside, the boys check out various tampons. Cartman looks over a box of Breeze tampons\nStan: Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans for New Year's.\nCartman: Hold your horses, guys. This is very important for mature people. [drops the Breeze and picks up the Plug-Ups. Softly] Let's see. Offers complete protection during heavy flow, hm. [swaps the Plug-Ups for the Cotton Cork] Lessee, might slow stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh. [swaps the Cotton Cork for the Beaver Dam] Oh, this one's got wings, you guys!\nKenny: [rushes in] (You guys! You guys, I did it! I got my very own period!)\nCartman: [pleased] You did?\nKyle: You got your period too, Kenny?\nKenny: (Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting down and then I got my period!)\nCartman: Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You got your period, so now you're a man. We can hang out together on New Year's Eve. [Stan shrugs, but looks worried] But first you need to buy some Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear.\nKenny: [exults] (Woo-hoo!)\nScene Description: Jesus' house. The crowd awaits his decision. Inside, Jesus paces the floor\nNetzel: [from the TV] Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then he went back inside. But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus. [a man holds up a sign saying: \"It's the end of the MILLENIUM. Please don't kill us JESUS\". Jesus looks in wonder]\nRancher: [holding a Bible] Well, the way I see it, if he really is who he says he is, well then he'd better do somethin' on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible!\nJesus: [sighs heavily] Father, I need to talk to you. Please, Father, appear to me. [a flash of light and swirling clouds follow as Jesus comes forward to meet his father]\nGod: [voice-over] What is it, my child?\nJesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making a comeback!\nGod: Yea, like John Travolta before you. You are experiencing a second revival.\nJesus: It's the millennium, Father. People want to see you.\nGod: Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me.\nJesus: But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback.\nGod: Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.\nJesus: Just make an appearance. You can come down, say 'hi' to a few people and can be back by 12:30.\nGod: I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, living room, day. Ike is playing with a set of blocks. Kyle approaches him.\nKyle: Ike, can I talk to you? [sits down next to Ike]\nIke: Uh ar, stufid.\nKyle: Ike, I don't know what to do. All the guys are getting their periods, and I don't think I am. I can't be the last one to get it. I just can't!\nIke: Whoa won toooo-reeee.\nKyle: Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out? I might not even get to be their friend anymore.\nIke: No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss. Tabyudog.\nKyle: Yeah! I could just say I got my period! It's not like they'll check. I can just say I got my period, 'cause I really will get it someday! It's not really lying, it's just jumping the gun a little.\nIke: Cokeh mocker.\nKyle: [stands and moves out] Thanks a lot, Ike!\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are hanging out there.\nStan: So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?\nCartman: Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads, Kenny?\nKenny: (No. All I could get was a couple of tampons.)\nCartman: Tampon? What's a tampon?\nKenny: (See, a tampon is what you stick up your ass so you don't bleed.)\nCartman: Ew, doesn't that hurt?\nKenny: (A little.)\nKyle: [rushes up quite excited] You guys! I got my period, too!\nCartman: Wow, cool!\nStan: [frightened] You did?\nKyle: Yeah! [Stan looks down sadly] I was just hanging out in my room, and then I perioded all over the place.\nCartman: All right! You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this \"Women Who Run With The Wolves\" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers.\nKyle: Awesome! We get powers?\nCartman: Yeah! Come on, we can set everything up in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! [Stan is left alone, but Cartman returns] Hey, don't feel bad, Stan. Some of us just mature a little later than others. [walks away]\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's ready for bed, but sits at his desk with pencil and paper at the ready. He picks the pencil up and writes\nStan: Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you speed up my development a little? Thanks, God. Your friend, Stan [He sets his pencil down and goes to bed]\nScene Description: Jesus' house, outside, night. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. One window on the house is lit from within\nJesus: Are you there, God? It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again. I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, Stan's room, day. An alarm goes off, and Terrance and Phillip are heard.\nPhillip: [a rooster crows] Oh God, you're smelly!\nAnnouncer: Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m., [Stan awakens] and only two more days until the new millennium! [Stan moves towards the radio, than away from it, then hides under the covers, then sprints for the restroom. Quickly, he lowers his pajamas and briefs]\nStan: Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!\nSharon: Stanley, honey, what's the matter?\nStan: [sobbing] I'm not bleeding out my aahass!\nSharon: Well, that's good, honey.\nStan: No it's not! It's terrible! [Sharon looks worried. Stan returns to his bed and prays] Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death. If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve. Please, please give me my period soon.\nScene Description: Jesus' house, day, one day before New Year's eve. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. A woman yawns, and the front door opens again\nJimbo: Here he comes!\nMr. Garrison: He's coming out!\nJesus: [steps out and closes the door] ...I have given it much thought, my children, and you are right. After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millennium. [the crowd cheers and jumps for joy] I have spoken to my Father in heaven, and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us. And ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! [more cheering and jumping] So what we're going to do tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD STEWART to agree to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and you're all going! [...silence]\nMan: ...We knew you could do it, Jesus! [the crowd begins to cheer again, and Jesus grins]\nMr. Garrison: Well, I'd better book my ass a flight to Vegas! [hurries away]\nFr. Maxi: [beings to sing. Others step aside] For he is Savior For he is Lord\nCrowd: He gives me hope when I have only been bored And he lifts me up with His gentle arm...\nScene Description: The Ewok Village 2000. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny sit in a circle with candles next to them.\nCartman: [wearing a bandana and flowers] Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess Wind?\nKyle: [with bandana and leafy wings] Here.\nCartman: Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!\nKenny: [with fine pendant on his hood and purple cape] (Dammit, here!)\nCartman: And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight. So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods. We're supposed to talk about our periods. And boys. Let's talk about boys first. I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool.\nKyle: I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde.\nKenny: (Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't really seem to be a doubt.)\nCartman: Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk about our periods. Kyle, you first.\nKyle: Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.\nCartman: What's the matter, Kyle?\nKyle: Nothing. Um [clears his throat], my period is really uuuh... [Cartman looks on skeptically] Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly.\nCartman: ...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going swimmingly, too.\nKenny: (And mine too.)\nKyle: [sighs] Phew.\nScene Description: Chef's house. Stan walks up and knocks\nChef: [opens the door] Oh, hello Stan.\nStan: [despondent] Hey, Chef.\nChef: How's it going?\nStan: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nStan: Can I come in?\nChef: Well, sure. [Stan enters and Chef closes the door. They sit on the sofa] Now, what's the matter, little cracker?\nStan: Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And this person is really bummed out, because everyone else the same age has gotten their period, and this person hasn't.\nChef: OOH, you're talkin' about your older sister, Shelly.\nStan: No.\nChef: Your little girlfriend, Wendy.\nStan: Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't.\nChef: Look, Stan. Do you really know what a period is?\nStan: Yeah, Cartman told us.\nChef: Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle. I think it might clear things up for you. [gets up and faces him]\nStan: Okay.\nChef: Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby. Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby. Ooo yeah, yes yes baby Yeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby now Agh! Agh! Awww! No, baby! Ewww, baby! No, no! Alright now-I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay. Uh alright, watch out for the bedspread, baby. Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what. Uuh, how about uuh, uh. Why don't I call you next week? And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that clear things up for you?\nStan: [thinks] ...So what you're saying is, this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time.\nChef: ...Is that what I said?\nStan: But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, that you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again, 'cause everyone has blood coming out their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate, then by God, I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! [hops off and heads out the door.]\nChef: Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle part there.\nScene Description: Rod Stewart's mansion, day. Jesus sits on a leather sofa with Stewart's agent. Around them are Grammys, some pictures of Stewart and framed gold records\nAgent: I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock.\nJesus: Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will bring my Father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I an the Lamb of God.\nAgent: Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we could talk about that later; here comes Rod now. [some double doors open, and a nurse wheels Rod into the room]\nRod: Hullo-o-o.\nJesus: [surprised, but quickly recovers and shakes Rod's hand] Hey, Rod, great to see you.\nRod: Oh.\nJesus: Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing. It's really given them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure that together, we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!\nRod: Pooped pants.\nJesus: What?\nRod: Pooped pants.\nJesus: Poo pants?\nRod: Pooped 'nmuh pants.\nJesus: Uh, you pooped your pants?\nRod: Pooped in my pants.\nJesus: Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants?\nNurse: Again?! [turns Rod around to wheel him away] Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie? [exits with Rod. Jesus can only look on, shocked]\nScene Description: Genetic Engineering Ranch, night\nDr. Mephesto: [leading Stan into the lab] Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan. It's what links us all together, makes us one.\nStan: But what happens if there's someone who never went through puberty.\nDr. Mephesto: Never went through puberty? Who never went through puberty?\nStan: Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad.\nDr. Mephesto: Your father never went through puberty?\nStan: No. And uh, that's why he sent me here; 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself.\nDr. Mephesto: Oh, I can't say that I blame him.\nStan: So do you know anything that can help him?\nDr. Mephesto: Well, I should think the most logical solution would be... hormones.\nStan: Hormones? [smiles. Mephesto takes him to the medicine cabinet]\nDr. Mephesto: Yes! [removes a bottle of PURE HORMONES] Here, and tell your father to take just one of these pills every week. It could be just what he needs. And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me.\nStan: Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the best! [walks away with the bottle]\nDr. Mephesto: My pleasure. I just love helping people.\nScene Description: Genetic Engineering Ranch, outside. Stan looks at the bottle and reads the prescription: \"one tablet weekly.\" He pops the lid off... One tablet falls, and then the empty bottle.\nScene Description: The Ewok Village 2000, next day. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny have reassembled.\nCartman: Now, for our first club activity, we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word. We look at the word and think about what that word means to us. [tips the bowl towards Kyle, who reaches in and takes a slip of paper]\nKyle: [unfurls and reads] Okay. Today's word is \"spirituality.\" What that means to me is uh- [thump. The three look up]\nStan: [outside, below] Hey assholes! [the three rise and head for a window]\nCartman: Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet.\nStan: [now with some facial hair] Don't you worry about that! I've started taking hormones!\nKyle: Hormones?\nStan: Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker. And I'm just here to tell you that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's!\nKyle: Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are supposed to take hormones.\nCartman: Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan. You should let it come, like the morning dew.\nStan: So what are we gonna do for New Year's?\nCartman: Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you wanna go.\nStan: [voice breaking] Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more hormones. [walks away. The other three withdraw and resume their discussion]\nCartman: Now, the word is \"spirituality.\" I believe that the goddess in me is my spirituality because she-\nKenny: (Ooooowwwwwwwhh.) [leans forward in pain]\nCartman: Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all of us and has-\nKenny: (Oh- ooowww!)\nCartman: Goddammit, Kenny, shut the hell up!\nKenny: (Aaaaaa!) [falls back and passes out. Blood spews up from his mouth]\nKyle: Whoa, dude!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. An ambulance is parked outside. Inside, the McCormick parents sit in the waiting room holding hands\nDr. Doctor: Mr. and Ms. McCormick.\nMcCormick Parents: Yes?\nDr. Doctor: I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.\nMs. McCormick: [sobbing] Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone. I can't believe it.\nDr. Doctor: We just didn't get to him in time. There's nothing we could do.\nStuart: What happened? What killed him, doctor?\nDr. Doctor: Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days. It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank.\nMs. McCormick: [sobbing] Oh my God.\nDr. Doctor: My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad. Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.\nMs. McCormick: [sobbing] Gi-ih [gulp]\nDr. Doctor: We must get to the bottom of this! ...if you'll pardon the pun. But actually, right now, I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart Millennium Show.\nStuart: Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?\nScene Description: Las Vegas, night. Klieg lights search the sky as a large crowd gathers for the concert. Craig Netzel is on scene\nNetzel: Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed King of Pop, right here at this hotel behind me. [tents and stands pepper the grounds. Some of them have been seen in South Park before] It looks as though Jesus really has come through. [Jesus is in his room looking at the report] Everyone is very excited, because rumor has it that God Himself is gonna show up to the event.\nJesus: [shocked] What??\nNetzel: How about you, ma'am? Do you think God is gonna show up tomorrow night?\nMa'am: [in party hat] Of course he is. This is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't let us down.\nJesus: [turns off the TV] Oh no! Are you there, God? Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow? [no answer] ...Hello?\nScene Description: New Year's Eve, morning. Stan's radio alarm goes off\nSharon: Stanley. [Stan awakes. A beard is forming] Wake up, honey. It's time to leave for Las Vegas. [he jumps out of bed and walks past a Terrance and Phillip full-length mirror. He stops, walks backwards, and looks at his reflection, strokes his sparse beard, turns to look at himself from the side...]\nStan: Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs.\nScene Description: Las Vegas, New Year's Eve, 1999, night. The stage area. The crowds erupts in anticipation\nCartman: [walks in with Kyle] Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people. [Jesus takes the stage and speaks]\nJesus: Alright, people. Are we ready to rock the millennium?! [the crowd roars. Jesus steps backstage and prays] Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well. Please make them like it.\nKyle: [Butters is already next to Cartman] Hey, here comes Stan.\nStan: [walks up, with a deep boy voice] Have I missed anything?\nCartman: Wow, Stan, you really got some nice titties there.\nKyle: Did you get your period yet, Stan?\nStan: No. I didn't, but-\nCartman: Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday. Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas. [he and Kyle walk off]\nJesus: Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as heck am excited. We've got about four hours to the new year, and so I think it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and gentlemen, as promised, Mr. Rod \"Do You Think I'm Sexy?\" Stewart! [the curtains open as Jesus steps aside. The nurse rolls Rod up to the mic and walks away as the band plays. The crowd has no reaction. The band pauses after a while, so Rod can sing]\nRod: O-o-oh. [the band riffs a bit] O-oh. [the band plays on. Jesus keeps time] O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or. [Stan walks around and then sits on a curb, truly depressed. Rod continues to sing unintelligibly]\nJimbo: [disgusted] Whoa, man.\nRod: Oh. Uh pooped 'em. [the band resumes play as the nurse brings a bucket on stage and checks him out]\nMr. Garrison: This sucks balls!\nBlonde: Yeah!\nMan 7: Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!\nMan 9: Yeah!\nJesus: Oh no.\nCrowd: We want God! We want God! We want God!\nJesus: [\"We want God\"] Please, Father. Do something.\nCrowd: We want God!\nJesus: [goes onstage again] Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight.\nRandy: We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?!\nWoman: This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!\nSkeeter: Let's get him! [leads the charge to the stage]\nScene Description: Craig Netzel with some breaking news. The crowd has begun to riot.\nNetzel: Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas in what is quickly becoming known as \"the gayest party ever.\" Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. [behind him, two men pop in and out of view. One holds a bat, the other runs back and forth. The man with the bat beats the other man down, but the other man pops up and continues running]\nStan: [goes onstage] Jesus, why does God hate me?\nJesus: Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. He's gonna let me be crucified again.\nStan: He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers. I prayed to him every day and he never answered me.\nJesus: Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.\nStan: Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?\nJesus: Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want. That takes all the living out of life.\nStan: What do you mean?\nJesus: If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems. [becomes reflective] A-and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence. [realizes something] That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party.\nStan: I just wanted my period.\nJesus: I get it now, Father. I had to learn all this on my own. [Skeeter and five other men bring a large cross in] I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment. [a bright light appears in the sky and descends towards the stage. The crowd gapes in awe]\nMan: Whoa, what is that??\nJesus: [the light approaches him] It's Dad.\nFr. Maxi: God? God is going to show himself??\nWoman: Look, I can see him. [the light begins to bathe the crowd]\nJesus: Father. You came.\nGod: Now look upon Me, My children, and know Me. [now the crowd is shocked] Be ye not afraid. [God is shown as some kind of short-legged squirrel, elephant, cat, hippopotamus hybrid] Blessed art thou, my children. [a man's party blower falls from his lips]\nRandy: That's God?\nJesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega. [a snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth] The Beginning and the End.\nMr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that??\nGod: What did you expect me to look like, My son?\nMr. Garrison: [thinks a moment] ...Well not like that!\nGod: Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question.\nGerald: [next to Mr. Mackey] One question?\nMr. Mackey: Only one?\nSharon: What should we ask him?\nChef: We have to think carefully. We can ask him anything we want, like, \"What's the meaning of life?\" or \"Why are we here?\".\nStan: I have it. I have the question. [steps forth] Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?! [the crowd stands aghast]\nGod: [after a while] My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That's only for girls. Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection. And your friend Kyle simply lied about it.\nKyle: [exposed] How do know that?\nGod: You will hit puberty when the time is right. But you will never have a period, because you are a man - with titties. Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return to heaven. [transforms into the light and returns the way he came]\nMr. Garrison: Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it??\nGod: I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, in the year 4000. [zips away]\nStan: Did you hear that everybody? I'm not even supposed to have my period; that's why God wasn't answering me before! [people look at him, annoyed] Boy, I'm sure everything worked out okay. [looks around] I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh? Should auld acquaintance be forgot [end credits roll] And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot And auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne...\nSkeeter: Let's get him.\nStan: Let's have a cup o -Aaaa! [mayhem ensues as people riot, breaking wood and glass all around. A gunshot is heard, a couple of women scream, and the rioting goes on]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A promo is the first thing shown. Live-action shots throughout\nAnnouncer: This Saturday, Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium! You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school! [a recorder resting on a book of sheet music is shown] Well, this Saturday in Oklahoma City [its skyline is shown], over 4 million third-grade students [a crowd of them is shown] from all over the country [a school bus full of students is shown] will gather in one place, and at the same time, play \"My Country 'Tis Of Thee\" on their recorders. [a girl is shown playing a white one] It's the largest third-grade recorder concert ever! [An elderly man instructs three students, one of them in a wheelchair] Special guest conductor Yoko Ono [pictured] and woodwind virtuoso Kenny G [pictured] will lead this fantastic event! This Saturday, at 11 Eastern / 10 Central. The world will be watching! [close-up of a small boy playing his recorder]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. He rushes to the front of the class and stands next to a pull-down screen on which is projected \"My Country 'Tis Of Thee\"\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, we've still got some time to practice the song before we load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma.\nClass: [groaning] Awww.\nMr. Garrison: Now, come on, there's gonna be over 4 million third-graders from all over the country there, and I wanna make sure South Park is the best! Okay?! [raises his baton] Recorders up. [the students set their recorders between their lips] And a-1 and a-2 and a- [the class begins to play the song. Some students play slow] \"...of liberty.\" You're late! [the kids play faster, but are still off] \"...my father-\" What the hell was that?! [the students lower their recorders] God-damnit, I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!\nCartman: That's not true, Mr. Garrison: Kyle was working on his fingering with his mom all night long.\nKyle: [Kenny laughs] Shut up, fatass!\nCartman: Heh, heh. No, seriously. Kyle's mom says Kyle's getting really good at fingering, heh. [Kenny laughs so hard he falls off his seat]\nMr. Garrison: Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be 4 million children playing this song at the same time on their recorders, and, so help me God, South Park Elementary is not gonna be the only ones that don't know the song! Try again! Recorders up. [the students set their recorders between their lips] And a-1 and a-2 and a- [the class begins to play the song. Mr. Garrison genuflects and bangs his head against his desk. Mr. Mackey walks in, looking at this behavior]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, that sounded great, kids. [Mr. Garrison looks up at him]\nMr. Garrison: [rising] Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, kids. Uh, we have some news. Uh, there's been a terrible flood in Oklahoma, m'kay? So the 4-million-recorder-children's event is being moved to Arkansas.\nMr. Garrison: [close-up. He's suddenly scared] Arkansas?\nStan: What's Arkansas-is that a state?\nMr. Mackey: Eh, the trip shouldn't take any longer, but I'll hand out these updated contact sheets so that your parents will know where you are, m'kay? [hands them out. Craig reads his sheet.]\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a second?\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. [joins Mr. Garrison aside]\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, um... I can't go to Arkansas. Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me.\nMr. Mackey: What? We can't find anybody to fill in for you. Why can't you go to Arkansas?\nMr. Garrison: [wistfully] Arkansas is where I grew up. My parents live there-my [stifles a sob] ...father still lives there.\nMr. Mackey: Well, don't you want to see them?\nMr. Garrison: I haven't seen my father for 23 years.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. Garrison, m'kay? [walks him over to a chair and sits him down] Mr. Garrison, I know this is very difficult, m'kay, but I must ask: is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?\nMr. Garrison: ...Some, yes. There was my uncle, Richard. He... he molested me.\nMr. Mackey: When was that?\nMr. Garrison: Saturday. Last, last Saturday. He's a paraplegic, but it didn't-\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, eh, and your father? He molested you when you were a boy? [Mr. Garrison begins to cry] Mr. Garrison, I think, when we get to Arkansas, you need to see your father. You need to face this demon in your closet, m'kay?\nMr. Garrison: [turns away] Don't look at me! Uh, y'all go on your bastard trip and just- don't look at me! [hurries out of the classroom crying]\nCartman: That was pretty cool.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay.\nScene Description: The trip begins. Inside the bus, Mr. Mackey is up front reading a book, Mr. Garrison is in the very back opposite Terrence and the redhead\nCartman: [with recorder] Okay, how about this one, Kenny? [plays an A note]\nKenny: (Uh-uh.)\nCartman: No? How about this? [plays a G note]\nKenny: (Nope.)\nCartman: Hm, interesting. Let's see: how about this? [plays a Gb note. Kyle and Stan turn around on their seat]\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?\nCartman: We're trying to find the brown noise-it's this one pitch, this certain frequency that makes people lose bowel control.\nStan: What's \"lose bowel control?\"\nCartman: That's a scientific term for crapping your pants.\nKyle: Oh, brother, here we go again. Cartman, there is not a sound frequency that makes people crap their pants!\nCartman: Yes there is! The French experimented with it in World War II!\nKyle: Nuh-uh!\nCartman: How about this one, Kenny? [plays an F note]\nKenny: (Nuh-uh.)\nKyle: There is no brown noise, fat boy!\nCartman: That's nice. When I find it I'll just make you crap yourself so you look like Karen Carpenter.\nStan: Who's Karen Carpenter?\nMr. Garrison: Aaaaaah! [apparently, he's seen a sign that reads: \"Arkansas 410 miles. Rest Stop 5 miles\"] Huhh, ohh, [the students and Mr. Mackey look back.]\nMr. Mackey: Mr. Garrison, are you alright?\nMr. Hat: Mr. Garrison isn't here right now.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay-Mr. Garrison, you're just having a hard time dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse, so you switch personalities to Mr. Hat, m'kay?\nMr. Hat: Oh, good one, Sherlock! You figure that out all by yourself?!\nMr. Mackey: M'kay-I think the best thing for Mr. Garrison to do is to go see his father.\nMr. Hat: No! No, you moron! [Mr. Mackey gets annoyed] Mr. Garrison can't let the memories end! Just leave us alone!\nMr. Mackey: M'kay! Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk to Mr. Garrison, m'kay?!\nMr. Hat: Why would he want to talk to a second-rate dopey-ass elementary-school psychologist?!\nMr. Mackey: What did you say?!\nMr. Hat: You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys that make better counselors than you!\nMr. Mackey: Why, you son of a bitch! [rips Mr. Hat from Mr. Garrison's hand and starts beating him up. Mr. Hat smacks Mr. Mackey down in front of Terrence, who looks aghast]\nStan: Whoa! Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting. [the other students turn to see the fight]\nMr. Mackey: I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?! [resumes fighting Mr. Hat]\nStudents: [cheering] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!\nMs. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE!\nMr. Mackey: Yuh-NO! [panting, dirty and black-eyed, gets up and places Mr. Hat between Mr. Garrison's arms] You may have won this time, Mr. Hat.\nScene Description: The journey continues. The school bus and its passengers finally reach their destination - a large lot filled with buses and tents, and children\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, I want everyone to stay together, m'kay? Nobody move!\nCoordinator: [a female with clipboard, walking up] School?\nMr. Mackey: Excuse me?\nCoordinator: What school are you from?\nMr. Mackey: Oh, uh we're from South Park, Colorado?\nCoordinator: Ssss, alright. South Park school, you go over there next to the kids from New York. [distracted by something away from the bus] Nono, don't put the Florida kids in the building! [moves away. The class walks past the New York children]\nNew York kid 1: [sitting on the bus's front right fender] Ey! Look at the little Eskimos in their freakin' hats and gloves.\nNew York kid 2: Yeah, huh? [they begin to snicker as the South Park kids look back]\nNew York kid 1: Whoa, look at this kid's coat. [Kenny's] Ey, kid. What's the matter-you a freakin' burn victim or somethin'? What? [the others laugh]\nKyle: [aside, to Stan] Who the hell are these guys?\nNew York kid 1: I didn't know they was invitin' rednecks to this event!\nStan: We're not rednecks!\nKyle: Yeah! That's Texas, butthole!\nNew York kid 1: Oh yeah? Well, you look like a bunch of queefs to me, huh?! [the other New Yorkers laugh]\nCartman: [aside, to Stan, softly] Stan, what's a queef?\nKyle: Kenny?\nKenny: (I don't know!)\nNew York kid 1: Oh, brother! You guys don't even know what a queef is, huh?!\nCartman: Of course we know what a queef is, you queef!\nBlack kid: [wearing EKKO shirt] Oh yeah? Well, what is it, then?!\nCartman: Aaaa-\nStan: Why?! Don't you know?!\nNew York kid 1: Are all redneck queefs from Colorado as stupid as youse?!\nKyle: Alright, dickhole! [feedback is heard, and all look to the source]\nCoordinator: [on bullhorn] I need everyone's attention, please! We will now all be moving in an orderly fashion to our assigned hotels. Please follow your group leader to check in.\nNew York kid 1: [as South Park leaves] Yeah see ya later, queefs! [at least Stan and Kyle are pissed off. They look angry as they look at each other]\nScene Description: Roman Holiday Inn, night. The four boys share a room with two beds. They sit amid stacks of books looking for information\nKyle: Ungh, I can't find the word \"queef\" anywhere! [drops his book]\nStan: [reading another book] Well keep looking! We gotta find out what it means before we see those New Yorker kids again!\nKyle: Well, let's try the dictionary. [picks it up] queasy, Quebec, queen quelch. No queef.\nStan: Damnit! [closes his book]\nCartman: [reading another book, jumps for joy] Hey, I found it, you guys! I found it!\nStan: You did? [the other three gather around]\nKyle: What's it mean?! What's it mean?!\nCartman: I told you guys! Here it is, right here. \"The brown noise.\"\nKyle: Awwgh!\nStan: Damnit Cartman, wha-?!\nCartman: \"An oscillation of sound that causes the bowels to loosen.\" See? That means crap your pants. \"The brown noise is believed to be 92 cents below the lowest octave of Eb.\" What does that mean?\nStan: Who cares? We have to find out what queef means! Keep reading! [he and the other two return to their books and read on]\nScene Description: Garrison's home town, night. He walks to his former home, his parents' house, in the rain\nMr. Garrison: [on the walkway, sighs] I can do this. I have to do this. [approaches the door and rings the bell. His father answers] Hello. Dad.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Oh, hello, son.\nMr. Garrison: Can I ...come in?\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Ub. Sure, of course. [Mr. Garrison enters] Your mom's out at Bridge Night. You want a beer or somethin'?\nMr. Garrison: No. I don't think that will solve any of our problems, though you seem to think it did.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, what?\nMr. Garrison: I have a lot of demons that I need to face, father. I need to know some things.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, okay, like what?\nMr. Garrison: Alright, alright, let's just cut right to it! [sighs] I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, dad!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: What??\nMr. Garrison: I have to know why! Right here and now-we're gonna talk about this!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: What the hell are you talking about?! I never sexually abused you!\nMr. Garrison: I know! I wanna know why not?!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: WHAT??\nMr. Garrison: Was it that I was ugly?!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Oh, my God! [turns around]\nMr. Garrison: I wasn't good enough for you! Was that it, Dad?!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Well, NO!! [walks away, but his son rushes up to grab him]\nMr. Garrison: Sure, you can go off and screw any whore on Wyland Street, but when it came to your own son you were just too busy! [runs off crying. Mr. Garrison Sr. can only express shock.]\nScene Description: The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, next day. Looks like the 4 million kids are assembled\nCoordinator: [Onstage] Alright, everyone, quiet please! There are over 4 million of you, so we must have quiet! At this time I would like to introduce the woman who is making this all possible, Yoko Ono! [motions for Yoko to enter]\nYoko Ono: Please [orates 20 seconds of incomprehensible, imitation, Japanese-accented English]... sing song \"My Country 'Tis of Thee.\"\nCoordinator: You heard her, We'll start the rehearsal in a few minutes.\nStan: Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here any second, and we still don't know what queef means.\nKyle: Well, we can still pre-tend like we know what it means.\nStan: No, they'll catch on. Hey, wait a minute. I've got a great idea. Let's make up our own word. We can make up a word, and then use it, ...and then they'll act like they know it, and then we'll bust 'em.\nKyle: Yeah. That'll make 'em look stupid!\nStan: What word could we make up?\nKyle: How about... finkleroy?\nStan: No, uhno, not finkleroy.\nCartman: How about geebo, or, or mung?\nStan: Yeah, mung.\nKyle: Mung's good.\nStan: Sh. Here they come. [the New Yorkers arrive]\nNew York kid 1: Well hel-lo there, queefs. All bundled up nice and warm, are we?\nStan: You know what you guys are? You guys are nothing but mung?\nNew York kid 2: We're not mung. You're mung.\nKyle: Oh, so you know what mung means, hunh?\nNew York kid 1: Of course we know what mung means!\nAthlete: Yeah, D'ya think we wouldn't know what mung means? [Stan laughs, then Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join in]\nStan: We busted you!\nKyle: Hyeh. Yeah. Mung isn't even a word! We made it up! [they resume laughing]\nNew York kid 1: You guys are even stupider than I thought! Mung is so a word!\nStan: [the boys stop laughing] It is?\nNew Yorkers: [behind the two toughs and two others] Yeah. [they turn around]\nAthlete: It sure is.\nNew Yorker 1: Yeah.\nNew Yorker 2: Uh huh. [turns around]\nNew York kid 1: Yeah! Mung is the stuff that comes out when you push down on a pregnant woman's stomach.\nKyle: [winces] Eewww.\nStan: Ooogh.\nNew York kid 1: You guys didn't know that? [the rest of the New Yorkers turn around and they all laugh. Then, the rest of the 4 million+ kids laugh with them] Come on, guys. Let's get away from these rednecks before we get redneckasitis, or somethin'! [they leave. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn on Cartman]\nStan: You dumbass, Cartman!\nKyle: Yeah! Next time you make up a word, don't make up one that already exists!\nScene Description: The Garrison residence, day. Mrs. Garrison Sr. and her son are sipping coffee on the sofa\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: It's so nice to see you, son. I'm so proud that you're part of the 4 Million Child Recorder Blow.\nMr. Garrison: Yes. I hope it's okay if I stay here a few nights, Mother, I... I have some things I really need to talk to you about.\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: About what?\nMr. Garrison: [set his cup down and sighs] Mother, did you know that ...Dad... never sexually molested me?\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: That... that can't be.\nMr. Garrison: He never did, Mom, not once.\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: [stands] That's not true! Your father loved you! Often!\nMr. Garrison: [stands] He never did, Mom! And I think you knew he never did!\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: [cups her ears and shuts her eyes, spilling her coffee] Nohoho! No! If I knew I would have made him do it!\nMr. Garrison: You stood by and let it happen! You saw him come home drunk and then just go right to sleep!\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: I'm not listening!\nMr. Garrison: Face it, Mother. He never abused me! [his mom starts to cry, and his dad enters the room carrying groceries]\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, what's goin' on?\nMr. Garrison: Mother won't hear the truth!\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: He says you didn't molest him as a child!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Ah-I didn't! You knew I didn't!\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: No! I didn't know! [cups her ears and shuts her eyes again] I'm not listening!\nMr. Garrison: You can't close your eyes forever, Mother! [she walks away, crying] Mother, wait! [runs after her. Again, Mr. Garrison Sr. is shocked]\nScene Description: The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, later. Kenny G has joined Yoko Ono and the coordinator onstage\nYoko Ono: [Speaks in imitation, harshly thick, Japanese-accented English] Alright people, how many people has a copy. We must have-a practiced the ... song for the performance tomorrow, please.\nCoordinator: Okay, children. We need to play closer attention to the sheet music. Remember, if you get lost, just follow along with Mr. Kenny G here.\nCartman: Hey, that's it, Kenny. Maybe Kenny G can show us where 92 cents below the lowest Eb is. Then we'll know the brown noise.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nYoko Ono: And-a one gop seven to-sand ... [the children begin to play, and she covers her ears in agony] O-o-o-o. Stop! Stop ... beh goos sa buh got pee you got dere. That was-a terrify! That was-a horri-bee! What we gonna do?!\nKyle: What the hell is that lady talking about?\nStan: I have no idea.\nScene Description: The Garrison gas station. Used to be Garrison and Son, but since Mr. Garrison left, the \"Son\" has been crossed out. Mr. Mackey walks up to Mr. Garrison Sr., who is changing the oil on a car on blocks\nMr. Mackey: [bends down and looks in] Uh, Mr. Garrison, Sr.?\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Thuh, that's me.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey. I'm your school counselor, m'kay.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: [slides out and rises] What can I do for ya?\nMr. Mackey: Uh-I wanna talk to you about your son-I'm his n-therapist, m'kay.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, brother! Look, I didn't sexually abuse my son when he was younger!\nMr. Mackey: Eh, you didn't?\nMr. Garrison Sr.: No! He's upset because I didn't molest him!\nMr. Mackey: Oh. Hm. Uh, I guess that's a little different.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: A little, yeah! He thinks if I don't molest him it means I don't love him.\nMr. Mackey: Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to think, Mr. Garrison? I mean, uh, look at all the media, all the magazine ads and television ads talkin' about \"sexual molestation\", m'kay? He sees all that and assumes you didn't molest him because of some flaw in his looks or personality.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: I didn't do it because it's wrong!\nMr. Mackey: I know, I know, but I'm afraid this problem has run very deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state. I'm worried that if... you don't do something, well it could kill him.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Hold on a second: are you actually suggesting that I have sex with my 41-year-old son?!\nMr. Mackey: There comes a time in every father's life when he must ask himself, \"How far will I go to save my son's life?\"\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Well, I won't have sex with him!\nMr. Mackey: Well, I've said all I can say. [walks away, then turns] I know it's difficult, but... family... is about compromises. m'kay? [walks away, then turns] Don't lose your son over this, Mr. Garrison. [emphasizes each syllable] Don't lose... your son, m'kay? [walks out of the station]\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Am I the only sane person left on earth?!\nScene Description: The Garrison residence, night. Mr. Garrison Sr. is now seated in his armchair watching television. News item:\nReporter: Tomorrow the whole world will be tuning in as over 4 million children play \"My Country 'Tis Of Thee\" on their recorders. [Mr. Garrison walks to the stairs behind his father, but stops to watch the report] It is by far the largest gathering of little plastic recorders in human history. Yoko Ono has...\nMr. Garrison: Well, Mom said I could sleep in the guest room tonight. Good night, Dad.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Good night. [Yoko Ono finishes rambling incoherently]\nReporter: Words to live by.\nMr. Garrison: [pause] Guess I'll just... go on up to bed now.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Uh huh.\nMr. Garrison: [pause] Now, I don't really have any pajamas-guess I'll just... sleep in my boxers or something.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: [flatly] Should be fine.\nMr. Garrison: [pause] Uh I'll leave the door open a little in case you ...need to see me about anything.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Won't be necessary.\nMr. Garrison: [steps up, then turns again] I'll just... be going up to bed now. [pause] Gueh... guess maybe I won't even wear those boxers.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: I'm not going to molest you!\nMr. Garrison: You don't love me! [runs upstairs crying] I wanna die!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: God-damnit! [pounds the arms of the chair with his fists, then rises and goes out the door.]\nScene Description: Roman Holiday Inn, night.\nStan: I wish we could find a way to get back at those New Yorker kids.\nKyle: Yeah. They think they're so cool.\nCartman: [rushing into the room with Kenny wearing earmuffs] You guys! You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!\nKyle: Calm down, Cartman.\nStan: You found what?\nCartman: The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look! Look. [places some earmuffs on Stan's head] There, okay. Let's see here. [places some earmuffs on Kyle and rushes back to his side of the room] Right there. Okay. Okay. Ready, Kenny?\nKenny: (Ready.) [Stan and Kyle look at each other and Cartman plays a fat bass note. Kenny farts] (Oh, [farts] shiiit. Damnit! Cartman, I've got to go to the bathroom! [bawling])\nStan: [incredulous, removes his earmuffs] No way.\nKyle: [removes his earmuffs] I don't believe it!\nCartman: [removes his earmuffs] Um, seriously, you guys! Come on, watch. [leads them outside where a UPS delivery man is offloading packages, and the three put on their earmuffs. He whispers] Okay. [plays that bass note again]\nDelivery man: [farts] Whoa- Oh, my God! [grabs his belly and lets loose a long fart] Aaww, I crapped my pants! [rushes away with a brown stain on the seat of his pants. The boys remove their earmuffs]\nKyle: That's amazing.\nCartman: I told you guys!\nStan: [to Kyle] Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?\nCartman: That they should bring back Chicago Hope for another season? Totally.\nStan: No! That we could use the brown noise to get back at those asshole New Yorker kids.\nCartman: Ooooh.\nKyle: Yeah, dude!\nCartman: They should bring back another season of Chicago Hope though, seriously.\nScene Description: Night, the Arkansas Bar. Mr. Garrison Sr. sits by himself at the bar sipping a glass of beer while others around him chatter. A man in blue shirt approaches him\nPatron 1: Ey, what's the matter there, Garrison? You look kinda sad.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Well, I'm having some troubles at home.\nPatron 1: Well, come on. Tell us about it. We always help each other out, don't we, fellas?\nPatron 2: [with mustache] Yeah.\nPatron 3: [with goatee] Yeah, that's right.\nPatron 1: Yeah.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: All right. It's just that... I mean... We're all family men here, right?\nPatron 2: Sure!\nPatron 3: Yeah we are!\nBlond: [at a table] I am. I know that.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Well, can I ask you guys a difficult question?\nPatron 1: Absolutely.\nPatron 2: Of course.\nPatron 4: Yeah, man.\nPatron 5: Come on, Garrison!\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]\nPatron 2: ...Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?\nPatron 1: Nono, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother... to save your father's life?\nPatrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.\nPatron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, \"Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him\"?\nPatron 1: Yeah.\nPatron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.\nPatron 3: Hmmm.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.\nBlond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?\nPatrons: No, no, no way. No.\nPatron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.\nPatron 7: Yeup.\nPatron 8: Me, too.\nPatron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Weh actually, I'm just... talking about a... son.\nPatron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.\nBlond: The father doesn't have a gun?\nMr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!\nPatron 3: I think if someone said, \"Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son,\" but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.\nPatron 2: He could have a knife, though.\nPatron 1: Yeah.\nPatron 3: Sure.\nPatron 1: Yeah, a knife.\nBartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, \"Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you,\" ...I would have sex with myself.\nPatron 1: ...Yeah, I would [Mr. Garrison Sr. gets up and heads out the door]\nPatron 2: That's right.\nPatron 3: Uh huh.\nBartender: That makes sense.\nPatron 10: Mm-hm.\nPatron 1: Wasn't that right?\nPatron 3: Mm, See?\nScene Description: Roman Holiday Inn, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are back in their room reading the sheet music\nStan: How do we write the note, Cartman?\nCartman: Lowest Eb, let's see. I think it looks like this. [shows it to them on his book]\nStan: Alright. Now all we do is wipe out the last note on their sheet music, and change it to the note Cartman played. [makes the change] Come on. [the boys leave their room again and head for the New York room.] There. [tapes the music to the door. Kyle sticks a small yellow Post-It note saying \"Revised Music for Tomorrow\" onto the music] That should do it.\nCartman: Sweet. I can't wait to see them crap their pants in front of everybody, you guys.\nStan: Okay, let's get back to the room. [the three walk off]\nCoordinator: [arrives and sees the change] What's this?? [looks more closely at it] \"Revised Music for Tomorrow\"?? Chip, did you get revised music for tomorrow??\nChip: What??\nCoordinator: Ms. Ono has made revisions again! We've got to get these copied 4 million times and make the revisions to the projected music! Come on! Hurry! [hurries away.]\nScene Description: The Garrison residence, later. Mr. Garrison is asleep in the guest room, which used to be his room. The back door rustles and he wakes up. Footsteps are heard\nMr. Garrison: [sighs, then softly] Dad? [the door opens to reveal his dad's shadow.] Pop, I'm just fast asleep-I'm not hearing anything. [the shadow moves closer and closer...]\nScene Description: The Garrison residence, later. Exterior shot. Energetic motion is heard inside\nMr. Garrison: [ecstatic] Oh! Oh! Oh, Dad! Oh, goodness gracious, uh! Oh, stop Dad, stop! Whahawah, whah, how could you-hoo?!\nScene Description: The Garrison residence, morning. Mr. Garrison is at the front door with his luggage\nMr. Garrison: [well-rested and confident] Well, Mom, Dad, I guess I'd better be going. The concert is gonna start soon.\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: Are you sure you can't stay one more night, son?\nMr. Garrison: No, I... think all my work here is done. Dad, I... don't know what to say; I feel closer to you than I ever have.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: Well, I just hope that NOW we can put the past behind us and, and try to be a normal family again.\nMr. Garrison: We sure can! Well, I've got a worldwide-telecast recorder concert to get to.\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: We'll be watching on TV. Make us proud, son.\nMr. Garrison: I will. [hugs each parent] Good-bye, Mom! Good-bye, Dad! [turns and heads cheerfully out the door] Gray skies are gonna clear up; put on a happy face...\nMrs. Garrison Sr.: You did the right thing, Poppa.\nMr. Garrison Sr.: I didn't do squat! [goes inside and opens a door behind which is Kenny G] Here you go, a hundred bucks. [hands Kenny G the money]\nKenny G: Oh, that's okay. Keep your money. Thanks. [walks out and away]\nScene Description: The concert is introduced. Live-action shots throughout\nAnnouncer: Live, from Oklahoma City! [its skyline is shown] Four million third-grade students [a crowd of them is shown] from all over the country [a school bus full of students is shown] playing \"My Country 'Tis Of Thee\" on their recorders... \"MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE\" special.\nScene Description: The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, concert day. The 4 million are assembled. Yoko Ono and Kenny G take the stage\nStan: Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker kids play the brown noise and crap their pants.\nKyle: We have to watch them! We can't miss it!\nKenny G: Are we all ready to play? [almost whispering] Thanks. Okay. [loudly] Let's see the music! [the music pops up on the stage wall]\nKyle: This is gonna be sweet!\nStan: Oh no, dude. Look! [the projected music is shown] It's the music we changed! [the camera zooms in on the changed note]\nCartman: Uh-oh. [Kenny finally shows up]\nKyle: Dude, if 4 million people play the brown noise at the same time-\nYoko Ono: One, two, sign paytah. [Kenny G starts the tune, then the children join in]\nStan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman: No! [they rush towards the stage. The other kids continue playing]\nStan: Stop! Stop! [he and the other three are near the stage...]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, aren't those our boys?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, no. What are they doing?\nStan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman: Noooo!!! [some of the kids part for them, but the end of the song arrives.]\nScene Description: The kids play the brown noise, Kenny G and Yoko Ono double over in pain. The camera zooms out for a view of the state of Arkansas, then of North America, as people begin to groan. Shots of Beijing and Paris follow, with their citizens grabbing their asses in pain. A shot of Earth follows, then static. New York City is then shown in flames. An ambulance speeds by as people scream\nReporter: [soberly] Tom, I'm standing in New York City, but it could just as well be any town on Earth right now. The desolation, the damage is exactly the same in every city the whole world over. It's been just under 20 hours since everyone on Earth pooped their pants, and people still roam their damaged homes with disbelief, and loss. Rick?\nRick: [A cleanup crew is shown at work, and the camera pans over to the reporter] Alan, I'm standing at ground zero. Here, the damage is greater than anywhere. [the stage and the lot are bare, except for poop everywhere] Like the rest of the world, everyone here has crapped their pants. Some [Kenny lies dead with rats nibbling on him] crapped themselves to death. And still others ...ruined perfectly good pairs of pants. A nation mourns and tries to rebuild, but the big question that remains is, \"How did this happen?\" [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk by, whistling]\nKenny G.: Well, I see. Other than making everyone in the world crap their pants, our event went over really well.\nYoko Ono: [Chattering quickly in comical Asian-accented English] Wery well?! Wery well?! You're gonna be on Ricki Lake, I tell you again! Look at ad a bah godda circada she doin wery well?!\nMr. Mackey: [the school buses are ready to take all the third graders back to their homes] Alright, come on, everybody. We've got a long bus ride back to Colorado, m'kay? [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come into view and stop]\nKyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.\nStan: Yeah, but you know? I learned something today. We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot: we're already totally cool, even if we don't know what queef means. [Kyle and Cartman grin]\nMr. Mackey: [passing by behind them] Uh, queef is a vaginal expulsion of gas, m'kay. [the boys look afraid to know]\nKyle: Huh?\nNew York kid 1: [stopping by with two others] Here they are!\nNew York kid 2: Yeah!\nStan: [to Kyle] Oh, brother. Let's just get out of here.\nNew York kid 1: Ey! Not so fast! We know it was you guys that changed the music and made everyone on Earth crap their pants!\nStan: Uuuuh...\nNew York kid 2: Yeah, we knows all about it!\nKyle: Oh, no!\nNew York kid 1: Yeah. Me and the guys, well we was talking, and well, well we just want you to know that we think you're pretty cool.\nKyle: Huh?\nStan: You do?\nNew York kid 1: Sure. I mean, everyone on Earth shit themselves 'cause of you. And that's pretty cool. I mean, that's pretty amazing!\nNew York kid 2: Yeah, we was wrong about you guys. We're sorry.\nCartman: Well, that's fine, that's fine. Next time, just remember that we're all pretty cool on the Westside, too, if you know what I'm saying, 'kay?\nNew York kid 1: Yeah. See you guys later. [the three New Yorkers leave]\nMr. Garrison: Come on, boys. You're holdin' up the bus. [the boys get on and Kenny G stops by] Oh, wow, look. It's Kenny G himself. Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr. G.\nKenny G: Huhuh, good- good-bye. [hugs and kisses him]\nMr. Garrison: M-m-m. [Kenny G releases and walks away] Oh, well, thank you! [steps towards the bus, then stops] You know, it's funny: you kiss just like my dad. [steps into the bus and faces the driver] Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip. Let's head home.\nMs. Crabtree: Which way should we go?\nMr. Garrison: Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning. [Ms. Crabtree starts the bus and drives as day fades into night. It goes over a rise and blinks out of view.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa. She lowers it as Cartman screams\nCartman: Mom! MOOOM! Mom! [races down the stairs in pajamas, cap, and coat in the right hand and two dollars in the left one, and stops at Liane's feet] Seriously! Something wonderful has happened!\nLiane: What is it, snookums?\nCartman: Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me two dollars! [shows them off] She's only given me a lousy quarter before!\nLiane: Oh my! She must think that you are a very special little muffin.\nCartman: [hops onto the sofa] Yeah! This is so tits!\nLiane: Don't say \"tits,\" Eric.\nCartman: Oh, I mean, this is so cool!\nLiane: Well, then, now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest.\nCartman: Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy store and buy me a skateboard! [dons his coat]\nLiane: But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving.\nCartman: Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay? You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see you later! [turns and walks out] Aw, man, this is so tits!\nScene Description: The bus stop. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand around\nCartman: [off camera, heard running up] Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe this! [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at Cartman] Oh my God, you guys, seriously! [runs around them] Just wait until you hear this, you guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! [turns to face them] Aren't you stoked?!\nStan: What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!\nKyle: He's fat and he's stupid?\nCartman: [pants, then] Look what the tooth fairy left me last night! [presents the two dollars]\nStan: Two dollars!\nKyle: No way!\nStan: For one tooth?\nCartman: For one tooth.\nStan: Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only got a quarter.\nKyle: I only got a jar of gefilte fish.\nCartman: Well, that doesn't matter, because I have an idea that is totally tits.\nKyle: ...Totally what?\nCartman: Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know, but if we all chip in with teeth, then I can hide them under my pillow and we could get enough money to buy a [stretches the words] Sega Dreamcast.\nStan, Kyle, Kenny: Sega Dreamcast??\nCartman: All we need is teeth.\nStan: I already lost all my baby teeth.\nKyle: Me too. [Kenny says nothing, so the others look at him]\nKenny: [covers his mouth] (Nuh-uh.)\nKyle: You still have baby teeth, Kenny?\nKenny: (No way!)\nCartman: [moves to Kenny's side] Kenny, think about it. Don't you want a [stretches the words] Sega Dreamcast?\nKenny: [punctuates] (No I don't! Thank you.)\nCartman: [ignoring the answer] Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!\nScene Description: The school yard. Stan ties Kenny to a tetherball pole. The string leads off to the right\nStan: Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's tooth. You ready over there?\nKyle: [at the other end, tying the string to a wheelchair] Almost. You ready, Timmy?\nTimmy Burch: [the boy in the wheelchair] Timmiihh!\nKyle: When I say \"go,\" you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nKyle: Right. You're Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!\nKenny: (Why the fuck does it have to be my tooth?)\nCartman: I'll tell you why it has to be you, Kenny: because your family is poor, and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us. [tugs on Kenny's hood] \"Oh, thank you, guys.\" You're welcome, Kenny.\nKenny: [punctuates] (Fuck you!)\nKyle: Alright! Get ready, Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nButters: [walks up] Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?\nStan: What does it look like we're doing, Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of Kenny's.\nButters: Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here. [draws it from his pocket]\nStan, Cartman: You what?\nKenny: (You what?)\nTimmy: Timmih-\nButters: Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two hours ago.\nStan: Uh, Butters, could we have it?\nButters: Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it. Why, I'm gonna stick it under-my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. She gives me fifty cents a tooth.\nTimmy: Ha-a-ugh.\nButters: Well, uh, see ya, fellas. [walks away]\nKyle: [walks up to Stan] Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth out of Kenny's mouth.\nStan: Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nCartman: How are we gonna get it from him?\nStan: I guess we'll have to sneak into his house after he goes to sleep tonight.\nKyle: Yeah, let's go. [the group begins to move when]\nTimmy: Go! Timmy go! [revs up, pulling Kenny] Yeah, Timmy! [drives until he runs out of string, then is jerked back]\nKyle: No, Timmy, wait!\nTimmy: Engh go uh Timmy! [the string goes taut, and Kenny's face protrudes from his hood]\nKenny: (Hey, guys!) [yanked from his suit into the air] (Heey-ungh) [lands naked in front of Cartman] (Oowww.)\nCartman: Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha.\nTimmy: Hu-aah!\nScene Description: A house, night. Butters is asleep in his room. A pole rises outside with a grinning Cartman dressed as a tooth fairy dangling from it\nCartman: Higher, you guys.\nStan: [struggling with the pole with Kyle and Kenny] Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up in there?\nCartman: [bumps into the window] Agh! Careful, you assholes! [opens the window] To the left, you guys, left. [is moved to his left] No, camera left, camera left! [is moved in the other direction, towards Butters' head] That's it, now down. [is lowered, then reaches for the pillow]\nButters: [wakes up] What the-? [rubs his eyes] Who's there? Who is that?!\nCartman: [in falsetto] I am the tooth fairy, my child.\nButters: Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, see? [squeezes his eyelids shut]\nCartman: Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under your pillow. [reaches under and grabs Butters' tooth, then beholds the treasure. He then places some money under the pillow as Butters sneaks a peek.]\nButters: [as Cartman withdraws] Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd be so fat.\nCartman: Ey!\nKyle: Come on, fatass!\nCartman: Do not open your eyes until morning. [Butters has them shut real tight; Cartman tugs on the rope and is pulled out of the room] Or else I will kick you in the nuts. [drops down] Square in the nuts.\nButters: Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!\nStan: Well?\nCartman: Bull's eye!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. He's being tucked in bed\nLiane: Tucky tucky time, it's the best time of the night.\nCartman: I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.\nLiane: No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat. I have to work tonight.\nCartman: Okay.\nLiane: Good night. [heads for the door. Cartman settles in and is about to place the tooth under the pillow] What do you have there, Eric?\nCartman: Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin' it for the tooth fairy.\nLiane: Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to give you a big surprise for losing two teeth in two days.\nCartman: I know, huh?\nScene Description: The bus stop, next morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are there\nCartman: You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational thought, you guys! [runs around them counterclockwise] Holy crap, you guys! I mean-\nKyle: Did the tooth fairy come?\nCartman: Four dollars. [the other three answer at the same time]\nStan: Oh my God!\nKyle: Four dollars?\nKenny: (Oh, my God!)\nCartman: Do you what this means?\nStan: Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth and putting them under your pillow. [he and Kyle grin]\nScene Description: Dentist office, some days later. A phone rings\nA Dentist: [answering] Dentist office.\nLiane: Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms. Cartman.\nDr. Roberts: Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do for you?\nLiane: Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of his baby teeth, and I was starting to get worried.\nDr. Roberts: Well, losing baby teeth is a natural thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he lost?\nLiane: About a hundred and twelve.\nDr. Roberts: ...A hundred and twelve.\nLiane: Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps he should switch toothpaste?\nDr. Roberts: Your son wouldn't happen to be an \"alligator,\" would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now. The American Dental Association convention is this week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll look into it.\nLiane: O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week. [hangs up]\nDr. Roberts: What?\nScene Description: Cartman's room, dawn. He rises and throws his pillows off the bed\nCartman: Tih- [the tooth he placed under his pillow is still there] Tooth? [picks it up and looks at it in disbelief] What the hell? Mom!\nLiane: [rushes in] Yes, Eric\nCartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!\nLiane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. [Cartman sits] Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that- well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you got so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.\nCartman: [laughs] You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. \"There's no tooth fairy.\" I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh, heh... [mother and son sit silently for a while] M- Mom?\nLiane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.\nCartman: Yi- you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?\nLiane: No, honey. It's just-\nCartman: How could-? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?\nLiane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.\nCartman: How can I trust you? [hops off the bed] How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself. [tugs at his pajama shirt] Myself and Willikins Bear, of course.\nLiane: Eric! Eric, wait!\nCartman: [covers his ears] No, Mother! No more lies! [runs out of his room and shuts the door]\nScene Description: The Cartman house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait. Cartman exits and walks down the street upset, ignoring his friends\nStan: [he and the others follow] Dude, where's the money?\nCartman: [flatly] There is no money.\nKyle: No more money??\nStan: What are you talking about, Cartman?! We're only $167 away from gettin' a Sega!\nCartman: I know!\nKyle: Cartman, what's going on?!\nCartman: [stops, then faces them sadly] You guys... [turns away] Oh, God, I don't even know how to tell you this.\nStan: Tell us what?!\nCartman: [faces them again] You guys, there's... there's no tooth fairy, you guys. There, I said it. [turns away again]\nKyle: What do you mean, \"there's no tooth fairy?\"\nCartman: My mom has been giving me the money all this time, and your parents are the ones who left you money.\nStan: Dude.\nKyle: That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie to me.\nCartman: But now my mom has given us so much money that she's bankrupt, and we're poor, like Kenny. [Kenny approaches him and reaches out, but Cartman bushes him off] Don't touch me, Kenny. [Kenny steps back]\nKyle: [approaches] You're wrong. If my dad says something is real, then it's real!\nCartman: Kyle, open your eyes, man!\nKyle: It's not true! [runs away]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle enters the living room. Gerald is on the sofa reading the newspaper\nGerald: [lowers his paper] Oh, hello, son. [Kyle turns to face him]\nKyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?\nGerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk. [puts down his paper]\nKyle: [suddenly alarmed] Oh my God! You did lie to me.\nGerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.\nKyle: [looking aghast] Peter Pan, too??\nGerald: Kyle...\nKyle: What about Moses and Abraham?\nGerald: Well, they were probably real.\nKyle: Probably?! Is Atlantis real??\nGerald: Probably not.\nKyle: [frightened] Wahahahah!\nGerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.\nKyle: Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Weaaaah! [runs out the door]\nScene Description: The town. The boys less Stan sit at a curb moping\nCartman: Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.\nKyle: What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?\nCartman: No, man, that's just a TV show.\nStan: [rushing up] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!\nCartman: What? That your parents lied to you, too?\nStan: Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!\nCartman: How?\nStan: Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?\nKyle: All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.\nStan: So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nStan: The kid will never even know.\nCartman: Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!\nKyle: Oh my God, what if I'm not real?\nStan: We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!\nCartman: Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]\nKyle: I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?\nStan: [returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]\nKyle: What if this is all just somebody's dream?\nScene Description: Cherry Creek, the wealthiest neighborhood in Colorado, night. The bus pulls up to a curb and drops the boys off in front of a three-story mansion\nCartman: Wow, look at the size of these houses!\nStan: Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest part of Denver. I'll bet these kids get at least ten bucks a tooth from the [raises his hands to make quotes] \"Tooth Fairy.\"\nCartman: Hey, [points across the street] that house looks perfect. There's obviously kids living there. [the boys head for a rambling ranch house. They skip the front door and head for the back]\nStan: [A window with stickers on it and a bush underneath is shown] There. You can tell this is the kid's window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's room, leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out. We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money, then swing you back in the house to grab it.\nCartman: Got it. [Stan and the others lift Cartman up.]\nStan: This is the smartest business venture ever. [Cartman is placed into position, but a blond kid swinging from another pole is lifted into position opposite him]\nCartman: What the-? [the camera peels back to show another group of kids on the other side of the bush]\nStan: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!\nBoy 1: [with somewhat spiky hair] We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow, then come back and collect the tooth fairy money that his parents leave him.\nStan: ...Hey, you can't do that!\nBoy 2: [with cowlick] Why not?!\nStan: Because that's what we're doing!\nCartman: Yeah! You ripped off our idea!\nBoy 2: What the hell are you talking about?! We've been doing this for over two years!\nKyle: Two years?\nBlond: Nice tooth fairy costume. You think anybody'd believe you in that?!\nCartman: It's better than your dress! You look like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!\nBlond: How dare you! [he and Cartman start fighting in midair]\nBoy 1: Look, this is our turf! You'd better scram before the Boss breaks your legs!\nStan: You scram! We were here first!\nRich kid: [having heard the ruckus, opens the window] What's going on? [Cartman and the blond stop and look] Oh! It's the tooth fairies!\nBoy 2: Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up! [the blond is lowered]\nStan: You woke him up! [Cartman is lowered]\nRich kid: I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies but I have been a very good boy.\nAll: Shut up!\nBoy 1: Alright, that does it! Come on, we're going to see the Boss!\nStan: Who's the Boss?\nBoy 1: Loogie.\nScene Description: Loogie's Ristorante. The light above the door is the one that flickers\nLoogie: [enjoying a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, he's dressed for business] My associates here tell me you were working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that true?\nStan: Uuh, yeah.\nBoy 1: Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever seen that kind of disre- [Loogie raises his right palm] Erp.\nCartman: We were there first!\nLoogie: [hops off his chair and walks to the portrait gallery] Kids have been doing the tooth fairy racket in this town for years. [points to each picture as he traces the line of succession] I do it just like my big brother before me, and my oldest brother before that.\nStan: Damnit! And we thought we were so original!\nLoogie: Let me ask you something: You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow? Then what?\nStan: Well, uh-what do you mean?\nLoogie: How are the kid's parents gonna know there was a tooth under their child's pillow? [the boys stay silent]\nBoy 1: Ha! You guys don't even know how the tooth trade works!\nStan: What's a \"tooth trade?\"\nLoogie: Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth racket is much more involved. [a street overlay showing kids at work in the neighborhood appears. A kid dispatcher sends them off] We keep careful track of what houses we've hit so that we don't hit the same one twice in less than two months. [the tooth fairy enters a window with another kid] Inside the house we not only have to sneak a tooth under the pillow, but leave a note for Mom and Dad to see. [this other kid places the note on John's bedroom door: Dear Toothfairy, I lost a tooth! I put it under my pillow!] This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the pillow. [the fairies ride through the neighborhood on their bikes] Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to do is collect money. [shots of the tooth fairies cleaning up] And the kids never know what hit 'em.\nThe South Park boys: Wow!\nLoogie: The hardest part is getting teeth. We tried various places. Cemeteries [Loogie's boys disinter a corpse and pull at its teeth], hockey games [two hockey players collide and one of them smacks the other one. A boy skates out and retrieves the loose tooth], anywhere we can find them [A beat-up boy is tied to a chair in a warehouse. The boy with the spiky hair is about to strike him with a mallet]\nBeat-up Boy: Nooo! [the mallet heads for his...]\nLoogie: The teeth we do manage to acquire are then sorted according to size, color, and quality. [like gems, they are sent to conveyor belts to be sorted by lab technicians] But there's never enough teeth. Never enough.\nStan: Amazing.\nCartman: Man, that is tits!\nLoogie: And now my only problem is, what do I do with you? [the boys are alarmed]\nBoy 1: Rowwr!\nLoogie: Tell you what: how would you like to run the South Park tooth racket for me?\nStan: Oh. Uh-I don't know.\nLoogie: It's that, or else I can cut off your penises. [motions with his knife]\nCartman: Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hm's see...\nKyle: Cartman!\nStan: How much do we get if we work for you?\nLoogie: I'll cut you in at 2%.\nCartman: Two percent, have my penis cut off. [Kyle gets mad at him] Two percent-\nStan: We're in!\nScene Description: American Dental Association, a gleaming skyscraper, day. Then the interior is shown, with all the dentists assembled. Dr. Roberts speaks\nDr. Roberts: Fellow dentists: As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this. [presses a button to reveal a projection] A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel [shown sitting on a tree stump] that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest [the chicken-squirrel feeds its young] for its genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring! We believe also that this creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra [the chicken-squirrel tries to solve a basic problem], and that it-\nDentist: [stands] Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more logical theory.\nDr. Roberts: ...Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley, enlighten us!\nMr. Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit. [the rest of the doctors, including the ADA head, laugh at him]\nDr. Roberts: Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous that sounds.\nMr. Foley: It's not ridiculous. It's very possible. I've seen it happen before.\nDr. Roberts: Where?!\nMr. Foley: In Montreal. [the rest of the convention laughs louder]\nDr. Roberts: And where, pray, is this \"Montreal\"?!\nMr. Foley: [determined] Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!\nDr. Roberts: Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile, we'll deal with the real problems at hand. [points at the chicken-squirrel]\nMr. Foley: Well, I will! [leaves his seat and heads out the door]\nDr. Roberts: [chuckles] Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel would most likely be about three to four-and-a-half feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime in the cafeteria\nBoy: [off-camera] Here! Here, over here, look! Look what I got- I got from the chef! [the main cafeteria doors fly open and in walk the foursome. Kenny is dressed in a baby-blue suit with hat and cane, Cartman wears a floor-length tiger-fur coat, Stan wears a formal blue suit, and Kyle wears a book- reads a book and wears a black suit. As they walk through the cafeteria kids turn and stare. Among them are Bebe, Butters, and Wendy. The boys enter the kitchen]\nChef: Hello there, children.\nThe Boys: Hey, Chef.\nStan: We all want double-desserts today!\nChef: Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school charges extra for that.\nCartman: Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a thang. [tosses Chef a wad of bills]\nChef: [surprised, fumbles with the wad] Oh my God! There has got to be at least fifteen dollars here!\nCartman: That's right. Keep the change, my man.\nChef: Well! Look at you cute little crackers! With your money and your fancy clothes and your cell phones, it's almost like you were- [realizes where this is headed] Oh my God, children! What have I told you about drugs?!\nThe Boys: That there's a time and a place for everything, and it's called \"college.\"\nChef: That's right. And the only thing worse than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm gonna tell you about when I was your age and got offered drugs. [A flashback to Chef's 8th year. He's walking down the street with his little girlfriend, a Hawaiian wearing a flower in her hair]\nLittle Chef: Ooo, come on, now.\nKid 1: [all in blue] Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?\nGirl: What?\nKid 1: Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?\nLittle Chef: Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me sing you a little song: I can't wait until I grow up and my weenie get big and strong 'Cause when it does I'm gonna bust And make love to you Amanda all night long I'm gonna make love to y'Amanda in about ten years!\nKid 3: [olive complexion] What?\nKid 2: [with the A shirt] What the hell is he talking about?\nLittle Chef: [to Amanda, who's surprised] And that toothpick is gonna turn into an oak tree,...\nStan: U-uh, Chef.\nLittle Chef: I'ma knock ya down, knock ya up,...\nStan: Chef!\nLittle Chef: ...knock ya over, an' knock ya all around.\nStan: CHEF!\nChef: Uh?\nStan: We're not dealing drugs!\nChef: You're not?\nStan: No!\nChef: Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're doin', just remember this: havin' money may seem fun, but... [tries to find a moral] Ooh, uh-oh, never mind.\nThe Boys: Thanks, Chef. [they leave]\nKyle: See ya.\nChef: Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm gonna look her up. [reaches under the counter for a phone and dials away]\nScene Description: The boys return to the cafeteria with their food\nStan: Dude, having this much money is great! Working for Loogie rules!\nCartman: Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie? We know how the trade works: why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profit?\nStan: We can't do that, dude. Loogie will kick our asses.\nCartman: Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I say we create our own mob crime family!\nKyle: [still reading] Dude, this book says there could be infinite alternate realities to every reality.\nCartman: Sure, Kyle.\nScene Description: Loogie's restaurant, night. Loogie's talking to someone on his cell phone at table\nLoogie: They're what?! They're not gonna pay me? Who the hell do they think they are? I want those South Park kids dead! I want their families dead! I want their houses burned to the ground! [Mr. Foley enters; Loogie hangs up and does a falsetto] Oh, hi there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are out front, if you need 'em.\nMr. Foley: Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental Association.\nLoogie: Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some spaghetti?\nMr. Foley: [sits] No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted to let you know that I'm onto you.\nLoogie: I told the ADA a thousand times: I know nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old boy who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.\nMr. Foley: I am going to find out who the boss is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his ass and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass! [having run out of things to say, he turns and walks out. Loogie resumes eating]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day, living room. He is seated behind a desk talking to a boy\nCartman: So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth from China.\nOdd Boy: [an anxious kid with oval head and big eyes] That's right, yeah [plops the bag on the desk] . It's all top-grade stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see?\nCartman: [takes a scope out and analyzes a tooth] How much?\nOdd Boy: Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh? [smiles]\nCartman: Can I ask you a question, Weasel?\nWeasel: [the odd boy] Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.\nCartman: [rests his scope] Do you think I'm an idiot?\nWeasel: Huh?\nCartman: These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch! You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat teeth?! [Weasel starts acting like a monkey. Kyle is seen reading another book] Get out of my sight! [Weasel hops off the chair and splits] Lousy little scum! [the phone rings] What?!\nBoy 2: [on the phone. His mates have Kenny on a bridge railing, ready to dump him] This is your last chance, kid! Either you give the boss his cut, or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river wearing concrete galoshes!\nCartman: I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not afraid of you! [hangs up]\nKyle: Oh my God, this book says that negative and positive are the same thing; that real and not real are one.\nScene Description: The river. Boy 2 hangs up\nBoy 2: He's not gonna do it?!\nKenny: (He's not gonna do it?!) [looks over as Boy 2 places a call]\nBoy 2: He's not gonna do it, boss!\nLoogie: Well then, throw him in. [Boy 2 gives the signal]\nBoy 1: Alright, kid. Time to die. [he and his partner each grab a hold of an arm]\nKenny: (No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!) [the two boys shove him off. Kenny lands in the river, but hits bottom before even getting wet. He looks down and attempts a few steps. The others look down from the bridge.]\nBoy 2: Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?\nScene Description: News report, night\nAnchor: ...to which Ms. Clinton replied, \"I don't even like Vagina.\" Finally tonight, a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is live.\nDan Akawa: [field reporter, next to a family] Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy is in desperate need of a bone-marrow transplant [Billy strokes his nose] or he will most certainly die. [addresses the boy] Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant? [puts the mic in front of Billy]\nBilly: [almost whispering] Sih, six hundred dollar-. [the reporter jerks the mic away]\nDan Akawa: Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!\nBilly: [trembling] Duh six hundred dohollars.\nDan Akawa: Well, that's a lot of money.How the hell are you gonna get all that in the short amount of time you have left?\nBilly: Well, I a-I don't know.\nDan Akawa: Well, Billy, I also understand that you lost a tooth today.\nBilly: Yehahah.\nDan Akawa: Billy, we want you to put that tooth under your pillow tonight, because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy [points to Billy's parents and winks at the camera] is going to leave you six hundred dollars for it!\nBilly: Really?\nMr. Circlovich: Really?\nDan Akawa: Yes, really. [hands Dad the money; he passes it to Mom. Billy grins] Six hundred dollars. I might also mention that Billy lives in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho Road on Emporia Street. Back to you, Tom. [print!] How was that?\nMr. Foley: [standing with two other dentists and the field crew] Perfect. The trap is set.\nCameraman: Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone will fall for somethin' that stupid?\nScene Description: The Cartman house. Cartman is in a hot tub, Stan and Kyle sit nearby\nCartman: Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come on, get your stuff together! [leaves the tub] This is gonna be tits!\nKyle: [to Stan] Dude, this book says I don't exist unless I think I do. But what if I don't?\nCartman: [returns] Will somebody take those books away from him?\nScene Description: The Circlovich house, night. A Rotary Phone Service van sits out front. Switch to Billy's room. Dad hides the $600 behind his back while Mom talks to Billy\nMrs, Circlovich: Be sure to put your loose tooth under your pillow, Billy.\nBilly: Okay-y, Mom. [turns and hops on the bed. Outside, a periscope rises from the van roof and looks around]\nMr. Foley: [in the van, moves the viewer aside] Thank you for helping out, gentlemen. [walks up to the other dentists and a technician] If this sting operation works, some bogus tooth fairies should be showing up to take the sick kid's money. When they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm will sound, and that's when you hit the button, Murphy, and activate the lights. Everybody got it?\nDentists: Got it.\nMurphy: [the technician, acting dumb] Duuuh, which button do I hit again, boss? [Foley isn't laughing, so Murphy chuckles] Just kidding. You know how there's always the dumb guy in sting operations in the movies? I was, you know I was actin', I was actin' like him, eheh, oh.\nScene Description: The highway, night. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle walk along a path paralleling the highway. Cartman is dressed as the tooth fairy.\nCartman: Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get that sick kid's tooth fairy money before Loogie does.\nKyle: I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean, all the stuff I've been reading; I really don't think I exist!\nStan: Dude, just stop thinking about it.\nKyle: But I can't, because, what if thinking about it is the only thing keeping my space-time together? [the boys pass the Platter River]\nKenny: [still in the river in the distance] (You guys! You guys, over here! ...Hey!)\nKyle: Sometimes I think I can see time slowing down, [(Heeyy!!)] and my own existence fading.\nScene Description: The Circlovich house, the van.\nBilly: [heard in the van] G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.\nMr. Foley: Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled. [everyone suits up in riot gear. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle arrive at Billy's bedroom. Cartman is quickly hoisted up as Billy's parents come to kiss him]\nBilly: I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my tooth under the pillow. Do you really think the tooth fairy will give me money for the transplant?\nMr. Circlovich: I think so, Billy. I think so.\nBilly: Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again.\nCartman: [thinking aloud] Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 600 bucks is mine!\nKyle: Light is a wave unless it's observed? That means all matter is just a wave. [Cartman opens the window and floats in grinning] Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh God, it's happening! [begins to disappear]\nStan: [noticing the silence] Kyle?\nMurphy: Eh something strange is happening with the computers. [Stan looks at the space in which Kyle once stood]\nLoogie: [shows up with his mob] Well, well, well. What do we have here?\nStan: [notices] Aw, shit.\nLoogie: Did you bastards really think you could hide from me forever? Kolovski [Boy 1 steps forward], put this buttwipe out of his misery. [Kolovski reaches into his jacket]\nCartman: [retrieves the cash] I got it!\nBilly: [opens his eyes and rises] The tooth fairy! [the alarms go off.]\nMr. Foley: Let's move out! [exits the van with the other dentists]\nLoogie: Aw, drat! [the dentists close in]\nMr. Foley: Give it up, kids. You're surrounded by dentists.\nLoogie: It was a trap!\nMr. Foley: That's right. And now it's all exposed! You're through! The only thing left to do is to haul all you kids down to prison! [the other dentists move in closer]\nA voice: This is reality! I am everywhere [Kyle's head, undulating, appears], and nowhere.\nMr. Foley: What the hell?\nCartman: Kyle?\nKyle: I am nothing, and everything.\nScene Description: Everything and everyone begin to undulate with Kyle's head and scream and groan. Next, Kyle's fetus (with hat) is seen floating against a starry sky. Then, his head flies over a desert, and images from his past clock in: a deer, a skip-loader, a mailbox, a slice of Swiss cheese. Back at Billy's house, the images are: Kyle's head, a boombox, Kyle's head, a frog, Kyle's head, a cow, Kyle's head, a tricycle, Kyle's head, a four-assed monkey, Kyle's head. The half-chicken/half-squirrel shows up as Kyle's head disappears for the last time, and scares everyone\nDr. Roberts: Well, I told you! [the chicken-squirrel goes after the dentists, and the kids disperse]\nMr. Foley: Let's get outta here! [leaves with his group. Everyone scatters. Stan, Cartman, and Loogie remain in the backyard, and Billy grins with the $600 back in his hands. Kyle reappears in front of them]\nKyle: Hunh. That was pretty weird.\nLoogie: Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup all along! [Billy drops from his bed and walks away] How could I be so stupid?!\nStan: What?\nLoogie: I can't believe I fell for such an obvious trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!\nCartman: Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard, dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They lie. Lie right to your face.\nLoogie: Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has fallen.\nStan: Really?\nLoogie: Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the flag football team this year anyways.\nStan: So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?\nLoogie: Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole thing's over with.\nKyle: Yeah. But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.\nCartman: ...Tits.\nScene Description: The Platte River, day. Kenny has turned to his left. As the end credits roll, Kenny tries with great effort to make his way to a bank. He hops a few times and lands in a hidden gully in which he promptly drowns. A motorized chair is soon heard\nTimmy: [zipping by on the road above] Timmy!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Monday during the day. The kids are out on the playground. The camera pans to the right, showing kids on the hobby elephants, the swings, and the jungle gym. It rests on Butters holding a starting flag.\nButters: Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?\nSledder: [three teams of four boys apiece] Ready!\nButters: On your marks! Get set! Uh-go! [the teams head down the small hill, and Cartman's team finishes first]\nStan: We win again! [all get off their sleds]\nToken: That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so fat he makes your sled go faster!\nCartman: Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!\nLizzy: We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!\nStan: Sleds are for guys.\nCartman: Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?!\nLizzy: These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, not yours!\nStan: Look, girls don't even know how to sled. Do something else.\nThe rest of the boys: Yeah!\nLizzy: I bet we can sled ten times better than you, doughnut punchers!\nKyle: Oh yeah?!\nThe Girls: Yeah!\nCartman: We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!\nLizzy: How about a race down a real hill, then?!\nThe Girls: Yeah!\nStan: You got it!\nThe rest of the boys: Yeah!\nA few others: Yeah!\nLizzy: Your best four sledders against our best four sledders!\nStan: No problem!\nLizzy: Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!\nKyle: Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!\nLizzy: See you there! And may the best woman win, turd burglars!\nStan: Oh, boy! We'll show them!\nButters: Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those skanky hos who's who!\nClyde: Yeah. Those girls don't realize what good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are.\nToken: Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously fat ass, the boys are sure to win!\nCartman: Token, I swear to God, if you call me fat one more time [walks to a rock and picks it up] I'm gonna smack you on the head with this rock! [Kyle draws near to Token]\nKyle: Fatass.\nCartman: There! [chucks the rock and it knocks Token down]\nToken: Oh! [falls face first into the snow. Kyle is stunned that Cartman followed through]\nCartman: [sees what he's done] Heh. Huh. Uh-oh.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some time later. Eric and Token are seated inside. Token's right arm is in a sling and his right eye is blackened\nMr. Mackey: And what you need to understand is that this is not appropriate behavior, young man! M'kay?\nLiane: Eric, don't you realize you could've seriously injured your little friend?\nCartman: [dragging the words] I'm sorry, Mom.\nLiane: Don't apologize to us, apologize to him!\nCartman: [dragging the words] I'm sorry, Token.\nMr. Mackey: Well, I hope you learned that throwing rocks at people is bad, Eric.\nCartman: Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I feel really bad, uhh. What was I thinking? [drops from his chair] The only thing I can do now... is try to go on and live day by day. [turns and heads for the door] See ya later.\nMr. Mackey: [raises his index finger] Not this time, Eric! You've got to learn to respect your little friends! You're gonna have detention for two weeks!\nCartman: No way!\nMr. Mackey: Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it! Now, let's all go- [the door opens and two suits enter]\nMan 1: Counselor Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: Yes?\nMan 1: I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen. We're with [with gravity] the FBI.\nAgent Keen: We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident.\nMr. Mackey: Nn-um. m'kay, uh, I've already taken care of it; Eric Cartman here is gonna be punished with two weeks of detention.\nAgent Sharp: I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, Mr. School Counselor. You see, since the victim in this case is African-American, this is considered [close-up] a hate crime.\nCartman: ...What the hell is a hate crime?\nMr. Mackey: Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a ruh-\nAgent Keen: New laws have been passed that make any crime based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation a federal offense.\nCartman: What? A federal offense?\nMr. Mackey: Oh no.\nCartman: Oh no??\nAgent Keen: We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must follow protocol. [grabs a hold of Cartman] Your son will be taken into custody and then tried in the federal court of law. [the two agents walk out with Cartman]\nLiane: Oh my goodness.\nScene Description: Trial TV, Tuesday. The letters fly into place over blind Justice holding the scales\nAnnouncer: The hate crime trial of the century is underway [Cartman is shown] on Court TV tracks U van. [Token is shown]. Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith.\nLeslie: What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old boy into a vicious, hate-crime-committing racist? We take you live to the courtroom [the courthouse is shown] as the defendant takes the stand.\nScene Description: The courtroom. The prosecutor grills Cartman\nProsecutor: Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of \"Token?\"\nCartman: Uh, yes?\nProsecutor: Who is Token?\nCartman: He's a black kid that goes to my school?\nProsecutor: [outraged] Black?! Did you say black?! You called him black?!\nCartman: He is black.\nProsecutor: O! [turns to the audience] He said it again! [the audience gasps] He is African-American, and so you decided to pick him out!\nCartman: I did?\nProsecutor: The rage built and built inside your head until it became too much because you hate African-Americans!!\nCartman: No! I hate hippies!\nProsecutor: What?\nCartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about \"protectin' the earth\" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!\nLiane: [behind the defense area] Oo, poopiekins?\nProsecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is why we have hate-crime laws! This \"monster\" committed a crime-not against an individual, but against a race! Do the democratic thing and send his fat little butt to prison!\nCartman: [off camera] Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!\nProsecutor: [faces the audience and judge] The prosecution rests.\nLizzy: [walks in with Bebe, stops next to Stan and Kyle] Don't forget: we still have that sledding race this Saturday, pillow biters. [turns around and walks away]\nStan, Kyle: We know!\nStan: Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get Cartman out of court so we can go practice.\nScene Description: The courtroom, some time later. A verdict has been reached, and the Judge announces it.\nJudge: Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty of committing a hate crime. For this, I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall, until you turn twenty-one.\nCartman: No!\nJudge: I am making an example of you, to send a message out to people everywhere: that if you want to hurt another human being, you'd better make damn sure they're the same color as you are! [Cartman stares blankly back at the Judge, Stan and Kyle look at each other] Court is adjourned! [gavels one last time.]\nThe Girls: [Bebe, Lizzy, and Red jump for joy.] Woohoo! Hooray!\nJudge: Bailiffs, escort this little bastard to Juvenile Hall.\nBlack Bailiff: Yes, sir. [they turn to face Cartman]\nWhite Bailiff: Alright, you! ...Uh-uh-uh, where'd he go? [Cartman has disappeared, leaving a fallen chair behind]\nScene Description: Kenny's house. Cartman rushes up to it and pounds on the front door. Kenny opens the door\nCartman: [jumping excitedly] Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out of town!\nKenny: (What the fuck for?!)\nCartman: They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!\nKenny: (Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?!)\nCartman: [slaps Kenny] Calm down, Kenny!\nKenny: (Hey!)\nCartman: Do you still have that battery-powered toy truck you got last Christmas?!\nKenny: (Yes)\nCartman: Well, come on! I don't have much time! [heads for the garage. Outside, the garage door opens and a tiny truck creaks out with Kenny at the wheel and Cartman in the back seat]\nScene Description: News Flash: \"High Speed Chase\"\nAnchor: A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor east of South Park! Hate-crime suspect Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco! Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins is there live. Greg?\nGreg Nimins: [\"NEWS 4 LIVE!\"] Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285. Police officers are right behind him [in a single line, creeping] but as with any chase, they're keeping a safe distance to avoid any accidents here out on the highway. [Kenny takes a transition road off to his right] Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move off an exit off 285. He's going into a residential neighborhood now; this is where it could get dangerous, as there are pedestrians about.\nScene Description: In the Go-Go Action Bronco\nCartman: Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?!\nKenny: [looks back] (Why don'tcha keep your head down?!) [Cartman ducks]\nScene Description: back to the report\nGreg Nimins: Tom, the police have set a roadblock right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading. [they have also enlisted the fire department's help] This could be the final stand-off.\nPoliceman 1: [holds his hand up for a halt] Alright, that's far enough. Stop the Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with your hands up. [the Bronco keeps going] Just bring it to a stop and come on out. [the Bronco keeps going] Jeezus, he's gonna ram it! [the officers dive for cover and Kenny pushes into the two cars blocking his way. Slowly, tons of steel give way before the puny Bronco, and Kenny and Cartman break through the blockade. The Bronco leaves and the officers get up.] Crazy son of a bitch.\nScene Description: News Flash: Continuing coverage. Stan and Kyle watch the news flash at Stan's house\nGreg Nimins: Well, it's been over thirteen hours now, and still the car chase has not ended. [eight cars are shown in four rows of two following the little Go-Go Action Bronco.]\nKyle: What the hell are they doing?\nGreg Nimins: The chase has now moved through most of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.\nStan: Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, how are we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?\nKyle: Don't worry, dude. That little truck just runs on D batteries. It's gonna run out of juice soon. [the camera zooms out to show two lines of police cars following closely behind Kenny and Cartman. At least 22 cars are shown]\nScene Description: The Arizona desert\nCartman:: We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico! [the little Bronco crawls to a dead stop.] Oh, God dammit! [the police cars rush in and the first one bumps the Bronco down the road. The others run into the first one and pile on. A few cars fly over and crash]\nScene Description: Stan's house. The phone rings\nStan: [answers] Hello?\nLizzy: Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's going to jail and you've got four days until the race, rump rangers!\nStan: Son of a bitch!\nScene Description: A truck arrives at the main gates of a prison in the desert. The gates part and the truck enters\nDriver: Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.\nScene Description: A clown face greets the truck and the double doors open. Officers line up and Cartman gets a good look at the inmates. Two kids are using weights, a third sits brooding, an angry African-American boy stands next to another brooding kid. Four kids play basketball, with the blond one having blood in his hair. Two kids play tic-tac-toe, and two others play tetherball. Cartman looks again and sees a sign saying, \"Gruffy Bear sez: Try to escape and we'll shoot you where you stand.\" Two soldiers pace the catwalk above. Cartman looks again, and three boys beat a fourth over a football. A kid in nothing but briefs puts on airs while smoking. Cartman looks again and three babies play with blocks under an officer's semiautomatic. The babies are chained to each other\nScene Description: A few moments later, and Cartman is in an orange prison suit being admitted\nWarden: Prisoner 24601, arriving. [Cartman enters holding some bedding] Forward, prisoner! You will wake up each morning at 0500. [leads him in] Lockdown is until 0900. At ten we begin random searches and checks for contraband. [they pass through a security door into the mess hall] At 11:30 we have naptime, followed by finger-painting. Your cellmate is Romper Stomper! [the other kids look up and gasp]\nCartman: Huh-who's Romper Stomper?\nRomper Stomper: [steps into the aisle] I am! [His feet are shown with yellow pails underneath them. Cartman turns, and a menacing kid with a teardrop tattoo under the left eye looks back at him] And I don't want no new cellmate!\nWarden: [Cartman hides behind him] You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, show this new prisoner the ropes!\nRomper Stomper: Oh, I will! [steps forward on his pails] You bet your ass I will.\nScene Description: Wednesday, Phil Collins Hill, practice run. Elevation: 9436 feet. The boys in the class are gathered at the summit with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Phil Collins' face is the hill's defining geographic feature\nStan: Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us for another... 13 years, so in the meantime we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday.\nKyle: Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave us speed, so we need to find the next-fattest kid besides Cartman. [The others look around at each other]\nStan: Come on, who's the second-fattest kid in South Park?\nButters: ...Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest uh-kid.\nClyde: Huh?\nKyle: Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde.\nClyde: I'm not fat.\nStan: Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid.\nKyle: Yeah, fatass! Get your fat butt on the sled!\nClyde: [sits on the back end of the sled] Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just kind of big-boned.\nStan: Dah, that's what they all say. Okay, ready? Go! [he, Kyle, and Kenny push off and then hop on as the sled picks up speed. The rest of the kids cheer them on]\nKyle: [as the sled stops] Awwgh! Hey dude, we don't even have enough weight to move.\nLizzy: [her team's sled passes the boys by] See you Saturday, poo sniffers!\nStan: [looks back at Clyde] Nice going, fat boy!\nScene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Some of the kids gather around Cartman.\nRomper Stomper: Well, well, well. New fish. How about you come up with a reason why we don't break your arms?!\nInmates: Yeah!\nCartman: Uh... 'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm one of you.\nRomper Stomper: Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two kinds of kids in the world: kids who like Animaniacs, and kids who don't like Animaniacs. You're either with us, or you're against us. So which are you?!\nCartman: Oh, uh, well, personally, I... uhuhuhuh, I... don't like Animaniacs?\nRomper Stomper: [after some thought] ...Neither do we\nCartman: [softly] Oh, thank you, Jesus. [normally] So we're friends now?\nRomper Stomper: No! There's no friends in the Big House! You come in with nobody and you leave with nobody. We don't believe in \"friends.\"\nInmates: Yeah!\nCartman: Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.\nRomper Stomper: Now, go find me some cigarettes and I'll tell you how to bust out of here.\nScene Description: Phil Collins Hill, second practice run. Kyle and Kenny add the finishing touches to something on the sled\nStan: Okay, we've figured it out. To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks [points to them], but we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!\nPip: Oh, that's a wonderful idea.\nClyde: So I don't get to be on the team now?\nAll the boys: Shut up, fatass!\nKyle: Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?! [Clyde glares back]\nStan: Come on, let's get it a try. [he and Kyle get on, and Kenny starts the sled and gets on,]\nKenny, Stan: Woopee!\nStan: Yeah-\nStan, Kenny, Kyle: Wo-o-o-o-oh! [they lose control of the sled and start spinning]\nStan: [to Kyle] Dude, bail! Bail! [they jump off, leaving Kenny with the brick rider. They end up face down]\nKenny: (Huh? Uh.) [the sled hits a rock, tossing him through the air] (AAAAAA!) [slams into a tree and sticks] (Ufff!) [the brick rider slams into him, killing him] (Ugh!)\nStan: [looks up] Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny.\nKyle: We killed Kenny?\nStan: We Killed Kenny. We're bastards. [they walk up to the tree and stand in front of the puddle of blood]\nKyle: Well, that didn't work. What else can we try?\nStan: Nothing else is gonna work. [the rest of the boys converge on the tree] We have to face the fact that without Cartman we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.\nButters: Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!\nPip: This is a sad day for men everywhere.\nStan: You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.\nAll the boys: Yeup.\nKyle: If only we had realized how special our time with his gigantic ass was.\nButters: Well, all that time we didn't understand what a... unique and magical ass it was.\nLizzy: [arrives and steps off the sled] Woohoo. Great time, girls. [notices Kenny flattened against the tree] Oh, gee. Looks like you lost another sledder. Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers! [walks away with her sled and the three other girls]\nStan: That does it! We've got no other choice! We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!\nSome boys: Oh?\nOther boys: [simultaneous] Huh?\nKyle: How?\nStan: I saw a movie once where they baked a cake and put a nail file inside of it.\nKyle: Sweet! Let's go!\nThe group: Hooray! Alright! Here we go!\nScene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Thursday. Visiting hours 10:00 to 2:00. Relatives have come to visit the inmates\nMother 1: And have you been brushing your teeth?\nBoy 1: Yes, Mommy.\nMother 1: And not dropping your soap?\nBoy 1: Yes, Mommy.\nBoy 2: Hi, Mom.\nMother 2: Young man, that is the fourth time you've been late for our visiting time; you are grounded.\nBoy 2: Grounded? On, no! Um, wait... [Cartman has no visitors yet]\nGuard: [leads Kyle and Stan to Cartman] Here you go, boys. Keep it short.\nCartman: Hey you guys.\nKyle: [he and Stan take their seats] Hey, fatass. How's prison?\nCartman: Well, it sucks balls. Whattaya think?\nStan: Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose to girls because of you!\nKyle: Yeah! So you gotta bust out of here. [lowers his voice] So we made you this cake. [lifts it onto the counter, and it reads, \"Get Out Soon, Cartman\"] There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.\nCartman: A what?\nKyle: [softly] An ailnay ilefay.\nCartman: Wwhat's that?\nKyle: Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!\nStan: Yeah, you stupid umbassday!\nCartman: I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here\nKyle: They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this Od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay we're otallytay ewedscray!\nStan: ...Yeah.\nCartman: [a guard walks past him] Look, that's not important right now! Did you guys bring the cigarettes?\nKyle: Well, we got some cigarettes, but we don't think you should be smoking. Each year, over a million people die of smo-\nCartman: Just hand over the God-damned cigarettes!\nStan: Sshh! [the guard looks over]\nCartman: Look, if you guys want me back to win the sledding race, [hushed] then I need those cigarettes.\nStan: How are we supposed to give them to you?\nCartman: Just pass them through these little drill holes here. That's what everybody does.\nStan: But they're gonna search you on your way back to your cell.\nCartman: I know. That's why I have to have them up my ass. [Stan and Kyle look at him and bust out laughing] Shut up, you guys! It's not funny!\nStan: Alright, here. [pulls some out and slips them through the holes one by one. The guard checks his watch and Cartman packs his ass]\nCartman: Well, okay... here... l'see...\nStan: Wow. I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that.\nKyle: Me too.\nCartman: Okay, guys, eh... If you'll excuse me, I must be going now. [leaves the visiting area]\nKyle: Don't fart on your way out; you might make little smoke signals. [he and Stan laugh]\nCartman: [at the door] Hahah. Very funny, you guys, hahah. [the guard opens the door and Cartman walks in]\nScene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, outside the main gate. Stan and Kyle exit and Stan sets the cake on the ground.\nStan: That sucks that we couldn't give him the nail file. [pulls it out]\nKyle: So now what do we do?\nStan: There's only one thing we can do. We have to go see Token and see if he'll forgive Cartman for hate-criming him. Come on, we're running out of time!\nScene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Cartman's cell. He enters\nRomper Stomper: [reading a book, looks up] Well, did you get the cigarettes?\nCartman: Yes. They are safely concealed in the depths of my ass.\nRomper Stomper: Alright. Go sit on the toilet and poop them out. I'll keep an eye out for the guards. [Cartman does as told and starts groaning]\nCartman: Engh. Egh. Uuuh, stupid cigarettes. [groans some more until a plop is heard] There's one. [groans and screams until a second plop is heard] There's two. [more groans] Come on! Uugh, come on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh [plop] yeahhh. Hoh. Phew. [flushes the toilet and Romper looks up horrified] Hoh. ...Oh, God-damnit! [walks back to Romper crestfallen]\nRomper Stomper: You flushed them?!\nCartman: Well, you spend eight years takin' a crap and then flushin' the toilet; it sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just help me bust out of here.\nRomper Stomper: No way, douche. I told you: I ain't your friend. If you want me to help you, you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me.\nCartman: Son of a bitch!\nScene Description: South Park, Friday during the day. Stan and Kyle get off a bus onto an affluent part of town\nKyle: Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far away.\nStan: Yeah. You know, they bus in people from different races to our school to promote cultural diversity.\nKyle: Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?\nStan: Yeah. [they walk up to the front door of a nice house. Kyle rings the bell]\nLinda Black: [answering] Hello?\nStan: Hi. Can Token come out and play?\nLinda Black: Well, his head is still a little sore, but you can come in, if you like. [the boys enter]\nKyle: Killer.\nStan: [sees Token] Token, you don't wanna see us guys lose to girls tomorrow, do you?\nToken: No.\nKyle: Well then, [Token begins to move away. Kyle holds his shoulder, but moves with him. Stan follows] you've got to call the jail right now and tell them that you forgive Cartman for being a dumbass!\nToken: Yeah.\nSteve Black: I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys.\nStan: It's not?\nSteve Black: No. You see, the only person that can let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the governor.\nKyle: Dammit! Son of a bitch, dammit! [remembers where he is] Oh, sorry.\nSteve Black: No, I'd, actually agree with you.\nKyle: Huh?\nSteve Black: Yeah. I have a real problem.with hate-crime legislation. In fact, I'd love to see you kids go down and give the governor a piece of my mind.\nStan: Well, why don't you tell the governor yourself?\nSteve Black: Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.\nKyle: Why not?\nSteve Black: Because I'm black.\nStan, Kyle: Oh.\nSteve Black: Sit down, boys. I'm gonna give you a little lesson about hate-crime laws. [leads them away]\nScene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Cartman is at the toilet pooping something else. Romper is reading\nCartman: [moans and tries until a small splash is heard] Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus, uh! Hoh. [walks in with a box and tosses it on the ground] Here you go, God-damnit!\nRomper Stomper: [tosses his book away and stands up] Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game. [picks it up] Ew, it smells, man.\nCartman: Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?! Now I got your stupid game; tell me how to break out of here!\nRomper Stomper: You're not gonna break out of here! You're here 'til you're 21, douche!\nCartman: But you said-\nRomper Stomper: I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me. What? You actually think I give a crap about you?\nCartman: I thought that-\nRomper Stomper: Hneah. You'd better wise up to the way things work in the big house. [walks to the cell door] Hey guys! I gots me a new Tic-Tac-Throw [Cartman, forsaken, begins to cry] Yeah, it's a little ripe, but it's brand new, man! You can play it at recess. [turns to Cartman] Hey. Uh, what are you doing? [Cartman cries some more] You... you can't cry in prison, man. They'll bust your head open. What's the matter with you?!\nCartman: I want my Mo-omm [cries some more and rubs his eyes]\nRomper Stomper: Dude. [walks up to Cartman]\nCartman: Mommy, I want my Mommy! [continues crying]\nRomper Stomper: Look, if it's that important to you, I'll bust you out of here.\nCartman: You will?\nRomper Stomper: Yeah. ...Yyeah, I will. Uh-but not because you're my friend. Only because... because I wanna bust out, too. Anh-anh, and see Disneyland.\nScene Description: The governor's office, day. An aide peeks in\nAide: Governor, the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee is here to see you?\nGovernor: Naw, not another committee. Send them in. [Stan, Kyle, and Token enter. Kyle carries a boombox and Token an easel with their presentation on it. They set up] This is the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee?\nToken: Yeah.\nGovernor: Well, boys, what can I do for you?\nStan: [to Kyle] Okay, go ahead and start.\nKyle: I don't start, you start.\nStan: Oh, uhyeah. [walks to the easel and clears his throat] Hello, Mr. Governor, and thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation on hate-crime laws, entitled, \"Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy.\" [shows the title page. Kyle presses the play button for some ambiance] Yes, over the past few years our great country has been developing new hate crime laws.\nToken: [flips a page to depict a stabbing in progress] If somebody kills somebody, it's a crime. But if someone kills somebody of a different color, it's a hate crime.\nKyle: And we think that that is [flips the page to reveal a copy of the title page] a savage hypocrisy, because all crimes are hate crimes. If a man beats another man because that man was sleeping with his wife, is that not a hate crime?\nStan: [flips the page to reveal a person tagging City Hall] If a person vandalizes a government building, is it not because of his hate for the government?\nToken: [flips the page to reveal a man being hit deliberately by a car] And motivation for a crime shouldn't affect the sentencing.\nStan: [flips the page to reveal warring groups of people around a question mark] Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups. All hate crimes do is support the idea that blacks are different from whites, that homosexuals need to be treated differently from non-homos, that we aren't the same.\nKyle: [shows a rainbow of people holding hands] But instead, we should all be treated the same, with the same laws and the same punishments for the same crimes [Stan flips the page to reveal their hate crime proposal]. For in that way Cartman can be freed from prison, and we [flips the page to show them winning a sledding race] will have a chance to win the sledding race on Thursday.\nStan: That is our presentation. An idea that we call...\nToken: [flips the page to reveal another copy of the title page] \"Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy.\" [Kyle turns the tape player off]\nGovernor: Hm. That made the most sense of any presentation I've heard in the last three years.\nScene Description: Outside Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Friday night. Alarms sound and searchlights abound, indicating someone has broken out. Footsteps are heard, and Cartman and Romper climb over a hill\nRomper Stomper: Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after us! [Cartman runs ahead, Romper trips on a rock] Mph. Oowww!\nCartman: [turns around] What's the matter?\nRomper Stomper: [looks up] It's my leg! I think it's broken. [looks back] You go on ahead without me.\nCartman: Uhokay. [turns and runs]\nRomper Stomper: Hey. [Cartman stops and turns] You're supposed to say, \"I'm not going without you,\" or something.\nCartman: Oh. Really?\nRomper Stomper: Look, kid, you go on. You've got something to live out there. You've got friends.\nCartman: Yeah. I never really realized that until just now.\nRomper Stomper: I sure would have liked to have seen Disneyland. Here. I want you to have these. [offers his pails]\nCartman: Okay. [retrieves them]\nRomper Stomper: No! You're supposed to say, \"I can't take these,\" or something, dumbass!\nCartman: Oh. I can't take these. [offers them back]\nRomper Stomper: Take them. They'll bring you luck. [looks back again] Now go on. Get out of here. [Cartman turns, walks some, and returns]\nCartman: Romper?\nRomper Stomper: Yeah?\nCartman: You... well... I know you don't think you've... ever been anybody's friend, but, well, you're a friend to me.\nGuard: [shows up with other guards] Alright, freeze! [Cartman steps to Romper's side]\nCartman: You'll never take us alive! We're going down together, pigs!\nGuard: But you've been pardoned by the governor! [shows the document]\nCartman: [takes it] O ho ho, sweet. Later, dudes. [walks away]\nScene Description: Phil Collins Hill, Saturday. The sledders are at the top of the run and other kids are at the finish line\nLizzy: [at the front of the girls' sled] Well, come on! Are we racing or not?!\nStan: Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned; he'll be here any second.\nKyle: He's gotta show up. He's just got to.\nLizzy: Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge packers!\nBebe: Yeah. If you're too scared to race, just say so!\nKyle: Dude, I guess we've just got to try it without him.\nStan: Alright, where's Clyde.\nClyde: [steps up] Right here.\nStan: Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!\nClyde: For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop calling me fat, God-damnit! [realizes he's responded as Cartman would, and covers his mouth with both hands]\nKyle: On the sled, fatass!\nLizzy: Okay, girls. Time to show the boys what we can do!\nOther girls: Yeah!\nButters: [steps into place with the starting flags] Huh-okay. Uh-ready, uhset,-\nCartman: [Butters looks up] You guys! [runs over a hill into view and races towards the group]\nStan: It's Cartman!\nBoy Sledders: Hooray!\nCartman: That's right! I'm back! [Clyde walks over and hugs him, and he is surprised]\nClyde: Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming back! [relief creeps in] Thank you so much. Thank you.\nCartman: What the hell's wrong with Clyde?\nLizzy: This is your last chance! Are we racing or not?!\nStan: All right! Let's do this!\nButters: Okay. Everybody ready? On your marks.\nCartman: I hope I can adjust to life outside of the big house.\nButters: Uh-get set. Go! [lowers the flags, and the girls shove off]\nCartman: Been on the inside for so long, I don't remember how to live on the outside.\nKyle: Go, fatass!\nCartman: When a man is stripped of his freedom, degraded in the ways that I was, it's-\nToken, Kyle, Stan: Go, fatass! [Cartman shoves the sled into motion and hops on]\nStan: Come on! We've gotta catch up to them! [the camera looks at the slope. The girls come down first, then the boys]\nLizzy: We've got' em, girls!\nKyle: Oh no! The girls are gonna win!\nKids at Finish Line: Go! You can do it! Come on!\nStan: We're not gonna make it! [Cartman thinks, then he remembers.]\nCartman: Hey. [pulls out the pails and tosses them at the girls' sled]\nLizzy: G'aaaaah! [the pails gum up the reins. The girls' sled veers off the run and over a cliff. The weightlessness causes the girls and sled to separate, and all fall scattered on the ground below. A brown bear comes up]\nBear: Rowr. {carries Lizzy away]\nBoy Sledders: [crossing the finish line] Hooray!\nStan: We did it!\nGirls: Awww. [walk away disappointed, leaving only one blonde carrying a sign: GIRLS RULE]\nKyle: We won! We won!\nButters: Yeah. Why, we sure-uh gave those skanky bitches what for!\nBoys: Hooray!\nKyle: It's good to have you back, Cartman.\nStan: Yeah,. We're never gonna take you ass for granted ever again.\nCartman: Yeah, and I'm not gonna take my friends for granted ever again.\nPip: Let's all hear it for Cartman's big, fat ass! [no one does. Cartman picks up a rock and throws it at him] Oh-ff. [falls on his face. The rock lands next to Cartman]\nCartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?\nStan, Kyle, Butters, Token: Naah.\nCartman: Sweet.\nScene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, later, Romper's cell. He is reading\nGuard: Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up! [Romper gets up] You got a visitor! [rolls the door aside and Cartman enters]\nRomper Stomper: Eric!\nCartman: Hey, Romper Stomper.\nRomper Stomper: Wow! I've never had a visitor before!\nCartman: Well, that's not all. I snuck something in for you, too.\nRomper Stomper: You did? [Cartman goes to the door to make sure the guards are gone, then returns to Stomper]\nCartman: You know how you told me you always wanted to see Disneyland?\nRomper Stomper: Yeah. [Cartman walks off to the toilet]\nCartman: [begins grunting. A few moments later, and a grin breaks out on Stomper's face. A big splash follows] Yeah! That's the Pirates of the Caribbean. Ugh.\nRomper Stomper: Whoa! [end credits roll]\nCartman: Hegh. Oh! Here comes Space Mountain-oh-uugh. [splash. Romper is stunned] Ogh! Wait-\nRomper Stomper: Oh, yeah!\nCartman: [grunts some more] Uh, what else? [splash] Splash Mountain, that comes now-oh! [grunts some more, then, splash]\nRomper Stomper: Oh, the monorail!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. The student stream in and take their seats\nStan: Dude, did you do all your homework last night?\nKyle: Yeah. But there was so much of it. I was up until two in the morning.\nStan: I know!\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, I hope you all did your homework last night, because we're goin' to talk about pages 42 through 612. First of all, who can tell me what year the Founding Fathers got together? [the class sits silently] Let's see, how about...\nCartman: [praying softly at his desk] Please don't call on me. Please, Jesus, don't let him call on me.\nMr. Garrison: Wendy?\nCartman: Phew!\nWendy: 1776.\nMr. Garrison: Good job, Wendy. And what was that document called?\nCartman: [praying] Oh, please, God, don't let him call on me. Father in heaven, I beg of you-\nMr. Garrison: [points to] Kyle?\nCartman: Oh, thank you Low-ord! Praise Jesus!\nKyle: The Declaration of Independence?\nMr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? [Cartman drops low in his seat so as to hide behind Butters, seated in front of him] Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy? [the camera and the class's eyes move to Timmy, who's grinning]\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nMr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy. Try again.\nTimmy: Heh-aaaaaah!\nMr. Garrison: Timmy, did you not do your homework?!\nTimmy: Erh Timmiihh!!\nStan: Uh, Mr. Garrison, haven't you figured it out? Timmys' retarded.\nMr. Garrison: Don't call people names, Stanley!\nStan: But he is-\nMr. Garrison: Now, Timmy,-\nTimmy: Haaaaah.\nMr. Garrison: -You need to work on your study skills!\nTimmy: Doo-uhh.\nMr. Garrison: Are you mocking me?! Because if you are, I have no problem sending your butt to the principal's office!\nTimmy: G'oh livin' a lie, livin' a lie, Timmawh!\nMr. Garrison: THAT DOES IT!\nScene Description: The principal's office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey talk to Timmy\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, Timmy. I just don't know what to do with you. You're getting very poor marks in school and the teachers are complaining that you aren't paying attention.\nTimmy: Heh-aaaaaah!\nMr. Mackey: Uh young man, if you don't wanna be held back a grade, I suggest you start cooperating, m'kay?!\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, that does it! I'm suspending you, Timmy, until you can learn to respect your elders! [pulls out a suspension form and starts filling it out]\nTimmy: Ehhha-a-a-ah.\nMr. Mackey: Huh- hold on just a second there, Principal Victoria. [she stops writing] I think I may know what the problem is. [walks to Timmy and stands behind him, checking him out ]\nTimmy: [softly] Timmiihh.\nMr. Mackey: Yes, of course.\nPrincipal Victoria: What??\nMr. Mackey: [Timmy is grinning, enjoying himself] I think maybe Timmy is suffering from something called, \"Attention Deficit Disorder,\" or ADD. It's very common in kids his age.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh!\nTimmy: [turns right and zooms away] Timmiihh!\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, that certainly would explain it.\nMr. Mackey: It should be easy enough to find out. They have tests for that kind of thing now, m'kay?\nTimmy: [zooms across the room in the other direction] Oolih oo livin' a lie, Timmehuh!\nScene Description: A clinic. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey have taken Timmy there to see a doctor\nClinic Doctor: Alright, this is a very simple test which should determine without a doubt whether or not Timmy has Attention Deficit Disorder.\nPrincipal Victoria: Good.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay.\nTimmy: Timmih.\nClinic Doctor: Egh. Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you a book called, \"The Great Gatsby,\" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?\nTimmy: Timmih.\nClinic Doctor: [sits] Okay, here we go. [opens the book and clear his throat] \"In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since\" [\"since since since since...\" The clock reads 2:01, but the hours begin to roll by: 3:24, 5:55, 9:09...] \"so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.\" [closes the book. Both Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are asleep, his head resting on hers.]\nTimmy: Ha-a-a-a-a-h.\nClinic Doctor: Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?\nTimmy: [fiddles around some, then turns aside] Timmih!\nClinic Doctor: [rises and slams the book on the floor] Well, that settles it!\nMr. Mackey, Principal Victoria: [sit up] Huh??\nClinic Doctor: This young man definitely has Attention Deficit Disorder!\nMr. Mackey: [rubs his eyes] Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it.\nPrincipal Victoria: What can we do for him, doctor?\nClinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for little Timmy.\nTimmy: [softly] Timmih.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison's classroom\nMr. Garrison: Hurry up, children, let's take our seats. [Timmy rolls up with a note attached to his head] You'd better have done your homework last night, Timmy. [sees the note] What's this? [peels it off and reads it]\nTimmy: Tim-mih.\nMr. Garrison: A note from the principal? \"Please excuse Timmy from all questions and all homework, as he has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.\" [puts the note down] Oh, brother!\nStan: He doesn't have to do homework?\nMr. Garrison: That's just swell, Timmy! Looks like you've outsmarted the principal and the counselor!\nTimmy: Timmih.\nMr. Garrison: Very well, I guess you're excused from homework.\nKyle: Hey wait. I think maybe I have Attention Diffunction Disorder.\nCartman: Yeah, me too.\nStan: I've got ADD.\nKenny: (Me too.)\nOther classmates: Yeah, I've got it. Me too. Yeah. It's gay.\nScene Description: The clinic, later. The doctor is reading \"A Farewell To Arms,\" by Ernest Hemingway, to the class now\nClinic Doctor: \"After a while I went out and left the hospital, and walked back to the hotel in the rain.\" [sighs and closes the book. Kenny bangs his head against the wall cabinet. Tweek, Kyle, and Bebe sleep where they sit. Cartman is asleep on his back. Token, Stan, Wendy, Clyde, and Kevin are drowsy.] Alright now, in Chapter 12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van Campen talk about? [Kenny bangs head head again] Anybody? [Kenny bangs head head again] Anybody?? My God, these children all have ADD! [scribbles onto his notepad quickly]\nAll the kids: [sleepily] Hooray.\nCartman: [sleepily] Hoo-ray.\nClinic Doctor: It's Ritalin for all of you! [writes out prescriptions]\nScene Description: A house. Rock music is heard. Next, Skyler and his band are shown practicing. They now have a name: Lords of the Underworld. They play, but don't sing, and thrust their heads down from time to time.\nDrummer: Dude, we suck!\nSkyler: Hey, that's not the right attitude, Jonesy! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow night!\nJonesy: Dude, we never win the Battle of the Bands! It's no big deal.\nSkyler: [disbelieving] Not a big deal! This year's winner gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza, and that's no big deal?!\nMark: Hey, you guys, you'd better stop fighting.\nSkyler: We've just gotta practice more.\nJonesy: Dude, we've been practicing for eight years, Skyler.\nSkyler: Hey, am I the leader of this band or not?! Huh, let's do it from the top! [the band starts up again, then pause]\nTimmy: [outside] Timmuuhh! [the band riffs] Coodalah Timmuh!\nJonesy: [stops] What was that?\nSkyler: Huh-I don't know, man. [picks up the garage door opener and presses the button. The door rises to the sound of an angelic choir and orchestra and reveals the bright light outside. And in that light is Timmy.] Whoaaa!\nMark: Who is that?\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nSkyler: You a singer, man?\nTimmy: Rrrrr-laurlaurlah Timmehah! [no reaction, but later, the band practices again. Timmy is with them now.] Timmehuh! [the band plays on, then stops] Timmehh.\nJonesy: Dude, that's hot!\nSkyler: Yeah!\nScene Description: South Park Pharmacy, day. Carol receives her son's prescription.\nPharmacist: There is your prescription, Ms. McCormick. A hundred dollars' worth of Ritalin.\nCarol: And he won't have Attention Deficit Disorder anymore?\nPharmacist: We can only hope so. Next? [the camera pulls back to show a line of kids with their moms. Kenny and his mom leave, and Stan arrives with his mom]\nSharon: Oh, hi, Sheila.\nSheila: Sharon, your son has Attention Deficit Disorder too?\nSharon: Yes. I should have known. It all makes sense now. I could never get Stanley to pay attention when his grandfather told him stories about the '30s.\nSheila: I know what you mean. Kyle gets so hyper, sometimes he runs around and screams like a little eight-year-old.\nKyle: ...I am eight.\nPharmacist: Next, please? [Liane hands him the prescription] What do we have here- ah! The Ritalin!\nLiane: Yes.\nCartman: That's right. I got a bad case of ADD. No homework for me.\nLiane: Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't have any side effects, does it?\nPharmacist: Oh, no no, your son may experience a small lack of energy, but that's all.\nLiane: Alright.\nPharmacist: Oh, and he might start seeing little pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but that's to be expected.\nLiane: Oh my.\nScene Description: South Park Battle Of The Bands. A four-member band is onstage. One member is on keyboards, a second is on drums, a third on guitar, and the fourth has the mic. The first and third have flaming hairdos\nBand: Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). Lettin' it feel so light.\nPeople in Audience: Boooo!\nGuy in flat top: You suck! [others laugh. The band clears out as the M.C. approaches the mic]\nM.C.: Alright, that was \"Sisters of Mercy Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord,\" with their song, \"Silk Blood On The Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)\"\nSinger: We got the best response. We'll be opening for Phil Collins for sure.\nM.C.: And now it's time for our final band.\nGuy in Audience: Thank God! [others laugh]\nM.C.: Give it up for \"Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld!\" [the curtains part amid a smattering of applause to reveal the Lords of the Underworld and Timmy rolls up to the mic. The audience is stunned]\nSkyler: 1 2 3 4 [the Lords launch into their song]\nTimmy: Timmih! [a riff] Timmih! Lehmeheuh! [confused looks on people's faces] Timmih!\nMan 1: Duhude, that handicapped dude ruhules!\nMan 2: Oo-yee-hee-yeh-hah!\nMan 3: You guys are terrible! How could you laugh at that poor kid?!\nTimmy: Timmih Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!\n!The Lords: Lords of the Underworld.\nTimmy: Timmih, Timmiih!\nThe Lords: Darkness fills my heart with pain.\nTimmy: Timmih oo livin' a lie! [the four boys arrive]\nStan: Dude, it's Timmy.\nKyle: No way! [Timmy says something incomprehensible]\nMan 3: They're ridiculing that singer! [\"habah kulaa!\"]Come on, let's get outta here! [leaves with three others]\nTimmy: Sibilah Sibinlaahh! [keeps babbling]\nThe Lords: The Lords of the Underworld.\nTimmy: Timmih, Timmih Timmitimmi Timmiih!\nThe Lords: Darkness fills my heart with pain. [the song ends. Someone is carried across the field by the crowd]\nTimmy: Timmehahh! Timmeh Timmeh Sibinlah Timmih Sibinlah Timmih. Timmuh Timmuh Timmuh. [one last power chord] Timmeh!\nCartman: That was awesuhome!\nStan: Yeah, Timmy ruhules!\nWoman: Boys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's handicapped!\nStan: But he's funny.\nWoman: How would you like to be handicapped?! Do you think that would be funny?! You're making him feel bad!\nTimmy: [basking in the applause] Hehaahh!\nKyle: He looks pretty happy to me.\nWoman: Oh, you people make me sick! [walks away]\nM.C.: Dude, this is a no-brainer. This year's Battle of the Bands winner and the band that gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalablala is... TIMMY!\nCrowd: [roars in approval] Wooo!\nJonesy: [flexes his arms] We did it, dude!\nSkyler: [moves forward] Listen to them. They really love me. [bows] Wooo!!\nCrowd: [responds] Wooo!!\nSkyler: Yes! I'm a rocker! [he and Jonesy throw their arms up in victory]\nScene Description: PSB presents Charlie Rose\nCharlie Rose: Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, Timmeo [a clip of it at the Battle of the Bands], the controversial new band that has taken the country by storm. [the crowd cheers and holds up \"TIMMY\" signs. A woman lifts up her blouse to reveal her bra] Already playing at several large venues this month [the band is shown coming off a plane. Cameras flash at Timmy with the Lords of the Underworld behind him], the band prepares for its biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they will open for Phil Collins. But Phil Collins is not happy.\nPhil Collins: [in the middle of a street holding his Oscar] Well, I thinks it's a horrible tragedy, idn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna see Timmy for his musical skills. They're laughin' at 'im, and I think you shouldn't laugh at people with disabilities!\nMan: [appears in the background and points at Phil] Hah haha.\nPhil Collins: Society has to learn how to be more compassionate! This is gonna stop if I have to stop it myself!\nScene Description: Bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle await the bus\nKyle: Dude, did you see that stuff Phil Collins was saying about Timmy?\nStan: Yeah, what a dick. Timmy's five times more talented than he is.\nCartman: [arrives with Kenny and speaks mellowly] Hey guys, have you been takin' your Ritalin?\nStan: Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take that stuff.\nCartman: No, dude, you gotta try it. [hands a bottle to Kyle] It makes you feel good.\nKenny: [also mellow] (Good.) [Kyle takes a couple of pills, then tosses the bottle to Stan]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, kitchen\nChef: Hello there, children.\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Hello, Chef.\nKenny: (Hello, Chef.)\nChef: How's it goin'?\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Very well, thank you.\nKenny: (Very well, thank you.)\nChef: [incredulous] Everything's fine?? Why??\nStan: Because we're on Ritalin.\nChef: What??\nKyle: We all have Attention Deficit Disorder. So we all started taking Ritalin.\nCartman: It really takes the edge off, man. You should try it. [shakes two pills out of his bottle and swallows them]\nChef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!\nKyle: That's correct, Chef.\nChef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!\nKyle: Yes, but now we don't have any homework, so we can go see Timmy play downtown at Mile High Stadium\nStan: Oh boy oh boy.\nKenny: (Oh boy.)\nChef: Oh, it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even carin' about the side effects.\nStan: But there are no side effects, Chef.\nKyle: No, not at all. [Cartman looks away and a Christina Aguilera monster appears]\nChristina Aguilera monster: Rown! [Cartman rubs his eyes, and she's gone]\nCartman: Did you guys see that?\nStan: See what?\nScene Description: MTV News. A satellite revolves around the logo\nAnnouncer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.\nKurt Loder: [framed by seven monitors showing the following: the MTV logo, The Cure's Robert Smith, a rotating Earth, Ozzy Osbourne, KoRn, Elton John, and Rick James] Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.\nAnnouncer: [the logo takes up the whole screen] Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No way, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.\nKurt Loder: Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa, and the headlining band has changed. Now headlining the event is Timmy [a shot of him], the new hit sensation out of Colorado. This news came as a shock to the performer that was going to headline Lalapalabala, Phil Collins.\nPhil Collins: [now in South Park with his Oscar] Well, I think the sad question is, \"Where are the parents in all this?\" I mean, that kid's parents are lettin' him be exploited, and they don't even seem to care.\nKurt Loder: [A limo with police escort pulls up to a house] And so, Phil Collins decided to travel to South Park and personally pay Timmy's parents a visit. [Phil gets out of the limo and goes to the front door]\nPhil Collins: [in the living room] Well, I mean, why are you lettin' 'em do this to your son? Don't you see that everyone's just laughin' at him?\nRichard: Richarrrrd!\nHelen: Helennnn!\nRichard: 'Oodleahah.\nKurt Loder: Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that makes fun of the handicapped should not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala, and vows to do everything in his power to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's the news.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The school bell rings\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's settle down! [the class is seated and attentive] Huhh I mean it; I want quiet! [the class is already quiet] My God, Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. [Clyde rubs his nose] Huh, ah! Alright, children, today we're gonna learn about human reproduction. What do you think about that?! [draws the words out slowly, but the class remains silent] Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex. [no one moves] Well, dammit, Eric, don't you have some smartass thing to say?!\nCartman: [Clyde is a bit shocked] What kind of smartass thing would I say, Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: [grabs his head a few times] This is driving me crazy!! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!!\nKyle: Gee, you seem a little stressed, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you try some Ritalin? [has the bottle out. Mr. Garrison thinks a bit, then goes for the bottle, opens it up, and chugs some pills down]\nCartman: There you go. [smiles, then frowns]\nChristina Aguilera monster: [comes out from behind Mr. Garrison's desk] Rowr.\nCartman: Whah!\nScene Description: Mile High Stadium: \"Tonight Only. TIMMY!!! Sold Out.\"\nA singer: Thank you, Baltimore! Good night!\nJonesy: [exits the dressing room with the other band members] Alright, let's rock this house! Hello Miami!\nTimmy: Timmiihh! [Skyler trails the others, and Phil Collins appears in a hallway intersection next to the dressing room]\nPhil Collins: Excuse me, Skyler Morse?\nSkyler: [stops and turns] Yeah?\nPhil Collins: Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.\nSkyler: Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla.\nPhil Collins: I just wanted to tell you that, well, I think that you're a great guitar player and song writer.\nSkyler: Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. Gotta run. [turns and starts walking away]\nPhil Collins: It's too bad those other guys are holdin' you back.\nSkyler: [stops and looks back] Huh?\nPhil Collins: Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent and artistic vision in the band comes from you. Strange, how everyone focuses n Timmy, idn't it? I mean, even the name of the band is \"Timmy,\"\nSkyler: Nuh-nn, the name of the band is Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld.\nPhil Collins: Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis. And all those bastards did was hold me back and hold me back. But then, finally, I went solo. And that's when I started writing really great songs. But look, if you happen to be on the sidelines, you know, bein' more of a cheerleader than a player, well, then I guess you should stay on as Timmy's shadow.\nSkyler: [dejected, walks away and looks back] Uh, thanks man. See ya.\nPhil Collins: That should just about put an end to all this Timmy nonsense. [kisses his Oscar]\nScene Description: Mile High Stadium, later.\nTimmy: Timmuh! [the Lords of the Underworld have finished their song]\nJonesy: [leads the others into the dressing room] Another great show, man. There must have been a hundred thousand people out there.\nSkyler: [tosses his guitar aside] Yeah. All of them chanting \"Timmy, Timmy.\"\nTimmy: [rolls in] Timmih!\nJonesy: What's the matter, Skyler?\nSkyler: The name of the band is Timmy AND the Lords of the Underworld, not just Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nSkyler: And the Lords of the Underworld!\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nSkyler: It's always about you, isn't it?! I'm sick of it! Timmy gets all the applause! Timmy gets all the chicks! Well, you know what?! Forget you, man!\nMark: Skyler, Timmy is what made our band famous.\nSkyler: [spins around and points] Shut up, Monsy! You can stay and deal with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm movin' on! [heads for the door] I don't need Timmy! [grabs Monsy's guitar on the sofa] I'm goin' solo!\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nSkyler: [at the door] No! Don't try and stop me, man! [turns to exit] I'll see you on fame's backside. [leaves]\nTimmy: Ooo livin' a lie!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, next day. The boys are on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip. Stan has his Ritalin, Cartman has the remote... and a pan on his laps. He's eating bacon\nPhillip: Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?\nTerrance: [bends to look] Let me see. [Phillip farts on him and they crack up]\nPhillip: How do you like that, Terrance?\nStan: Let's watch something else.\nKyle: Yes, let's. [Cartman starts channel-surfing, then stops]\nAnnouncer: You're watching VH1.\nThe Boys: Ahhhh.\nAnchor: Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit group Timmy has broken up.\nStan: Oh dear. Timmy's band broke up?\nAnchor: And so, Phil Collins is back on as the headliner. The opening band now will be Timmy's guitarist Skyler's new solo project, Reach for the Skyler.\nKyle: You know something? I think that's good. It was wrong to make Timmy a singer.\nStan: Yeah. Phil Collins was right. People laughed at Timmy, and Timmy should be at home, where he's protected from laughter.\nCartman: I agree. You know what, you guys? We should go to the concert anyways and see Phil Collins.\nKyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.\nStan: Sounds good.\nCartman: So it's decided: Phil Collins concert for all of us. [a Christina Aguilera bug is crawling all over Kenny] Hooray. [looks] Oh oh. Hold still, Kenny. [takes his pan and swings it at Kenny. It strikes, and Kenny's face is smashed in. Kenny falls forward, hits the floor, and a puddle of blood forms under him]\nStan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.\nKyle: Bastard.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Several parents are gathered in the living room. Chef speaks\nChef: Parents, I called you all together because I think you might be making a mistake puttin' your children on Ritalin. [Along with Stan's parents, Kyle's parents, Tweek's parents, Liane Cartman, Craig's parents, and another set of parents are present]\nRandy: Uh, but our kids have Attention Deficit Disorder, Chef. They can't pay attention in school without it.\nChef: I know you wanna help your kids, but I brought over a videotape to show you that there are alternative' to Ritalin. There's this doctor in Northern California who is doin' real amazing things with kids who have ADD. I want you to watch this tape. [puts in the tape. The VCR does the rest]\nDr. Shay: Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to tell you about my exciting new drug-free treatment for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. [three kids are in a classroom setting, acting up. Dr. Shay enters] This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child.\nGirl: [Dr. Shay walks up to her and listens as she rattles off] I want a horse. I want a big brown horse with a brown-and-black tail, and a diamond tiara- [he smacks her behind the ear] Ah!\nDr. Shay: Sit down and study! [she looks at him scared, then picks up a book and opens it, looking at him all the while. He moves on to the boy in the middle desk]\nBoy 1: Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go race and race, let's go! [Dr. Shay smacks him too, making him turn aside. He turns back]\nDr. Shay: Sit down and study!\nBoy 1: [looks at him, then starts crying] Wwaaahahahahaaha [Dr. Shay smacks him again. The other boy stops and looks]\nDr. Shay: Stop crying and do your schoolwork! [the boy opens his book. He and the girl start reading. The Dr. moves over to the other boy, and he just cracks open his book and reads. The doctor address the camera] If you would like more information on my bold new treatments, please send away for this free brochure, entitled, \"You can either calm down, or I can pop you in the mouth again.\" Thank you. [Chef turns the tape off]\nChef: Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small fee.\nSharon: That video had pretty colors.\nGerald: It sure did.\nChef: What the...? Dammit! Have you all been taking your children's Ritalin too?!\nParents: Yes.\nChef: Awww, fudge it! [throws the remote aside. The boys enter]\nStan: Chef, are you going to the Phil Collins concert tomorrow?\nChef: The what?\nKyle: Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's, and because we're all doing so well in school now, our parents said they would take us.\nParents: Yes.\nChef: Hold on a second: you children want to go see Phil Collins?\nKyle: Yes. His flowing melodies are really enjoyable to us.\nChef: Oh my God!!\nKyle: Come, see him with us.\nCartman: Yes, come with us. Come with uusss. Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera again! [runs around] She's on my back! Hah! [leaves]\nChef: That does it! That Ritalin has affected your little cracker brains too deeply! I'm going to go see that damn pharmacist!\nScene Description: South Park Pharmacy, after hours. The pharmacist and the clinic doctor are talking, and the doctor counts some money\nPharmacist: Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up ten points.\nClinic Doctor: That's easily another twenty grand apiece! [the pharmacist laughs and Chef arrives]\nChef: [pounds on the door] Hey, open this damn door. [the doctor and pharmacist cover the money and go to the front door.]\nPharmacist: Can I help you?\nChef: Yes you can! What the hell are you two doin' prescribing all the children Ritalin?!\nClinic Doctor: Well, they've all been diagnosed with ADD. That's Attention Deficit-\nChef: I know what it is! But now you've got a town full of zombie children from the planet Zandor.\nClinic Doctor: Huh?\nChef: All around the country, you bastard doctors are giving children Ritalin! And for every one child that actually needs it, you give it to 50,000 that don't!\nClinic Doctor: Hey now, don't tell us our business, Mr. Chef. Why, we-\nChef: You're damn right I'll tell you yo' business, because you two have got your heads up your asses! Thanks to you, we have children in our town that like Phil Collins!\nPharmacist: Eh wuh, what?? [he and the doctor are shocked]\nChef: That's right! You've made them so dull and boring that they're actually going to go to a Phil Collins concert!\nClinic Doctor: Mm- my God. What have we done?? [beings to weep]\nPharmacist: Well, if I had known... Phil Collins, uh, my God! [beings to weep as well]\nChef: Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!\nClinic Doctor: We uh... have to convince them not to take it, but, ahah ih it'll be hard to get it away from them.\nChef: Then we need an antidote!\nPharmacist: Yes, of course.\nClinic Doctor: Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?\nPharmacist: I have some right here. [takes a bottle from a medicine case] It's a compound called \"Ritalout.\"\nChef: Alright. Come on, we've got to get the antidote to all the children. Quick! [rushes out]\nScene Description: Welcome to LALAPALALAPAZA!! Townsfolk file in. Music is piped in before the concert\nPhil Collins: [the crowds clap to the rhythm]Last night I went, \"O!\"BubudioLast night I went \"Bubudio\"\nChef: [leads the doctor and pharmacist to a lemonade stand.] Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote in these drinks and hand them out to the children. [\"Last night I went 'Bubudio.'\" The pharmacist starts placing the Ritalout tablets in the drinks]\nPhil Collins: Last night I went, \"O!\" Bububudio. [takes a bow. People clap a bit]\nRandy: Wasn't that great, son?\nStan: Sure was, Dad.\nGerald: It's so wonderful to be on the same wavelength as our kids.\nChef: [arrives with a tray of lemonade] Here you go, Stan and Kyle. Free drinks on me. [Kyle reaches for his drink and takes a sip]\nStan: Oh, thank you, Chef. How nice. [takes a glass. He and Kyle drink at the same time as Chef leaves]\nPhil Collins: I know. I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar, a song entitled, \"You'll Be In... Me.\" [goes to the piano, sets the Oscar on the piano top and starts playing it] Thanks. You're inside of me. Deep inside of me. [Chef hands drinks to more kids] So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.\nChef: Come on, drink it down. It's free.\nCartman: You'll be inside of me...\nChristina Aguilera monster: [appears on his shoulder] Rowr.\nCartman: Huh? Oh no! Agh! [tries to shake it off as it nibbles on his shoulder] Get off me! Get off me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody get it off of me!! Get it off of me.\nStan: I feel... different.\nKyle: Yeah. [the monster munches loudly on Cartman]\nCartman: Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?! Please! Hegh, hegh[the monster still munches on him as he rolls on the ground]\nChef: [arrives] Drink this, Eric. [pours the lemonade Ritalout into Cartman's mouth, and the Christina Aguilera monster dissolves] God help me! Heh, get it... [turns over on his stomach] She's gone! Thank God!\nPhil Collins: [looks at the audience] Well, thanks! [continues playing. The camera focuses on Stan and Kyle...]\nStan: Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!\nKyle: Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! Boooooo!\nChef: [returns to the doctor and pharmacist] I think it's working.\nAudience: Booooo!!\nPhil Collins: [stops the music] Shut your filthy holes, you little bastards!\nStan: Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We want Timmy!\nKyle: Yeah!\nPhil Collins: You just wanna laugh at him.\nStan: No! [steps forward] You see, we learned something today. Yeah, sure, we laughed at Timmy, but what's wrong with laughter? Just because we laugh at something doesn't mean we don't care about it. Timmy made us smile, and playing made Timmy smile, so where was the harm in that? The people that are wrong are the ones that think people like Timmy should be \"protected\" and kept out of the public's eye. The cool thing about Timmy being in a band was that he was in your face, and you had to deal with him, whether you laughed or cried, or felt nothing. That's why Timmy rules!\nKyle: Yeah! Tim-my! Tim-my!\nAudience: Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\nScene Description: A desert near town. Mark and Timmy stand outside, Jonesy sits on the running board\nJonesy: Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala. [The cry begins to reach them: \"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nMark: Yeah. [\"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nSkyler: [returns to the band] Hey dudes. [\"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nJonesy: Skyler, what are you doing here?! [\"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"] Isn't Reach for the Skyler supposed to play soon? [\"Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nSkyler: They booed Phil Collins off the stage. Everyone's chanting for Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld. [\"Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nMark: [\"Tim-my!\"] Oh, so now that they want us, you think you can waltz, um, back into our lives and be in the band again? [\"Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nSkyler: I don't expect anything. Timmy, I-gh... Well, I just wanted to say we had some pretty rockin' times, dude, and... maybe I let fame and Phil Collins go to my head... [\"Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nTimmy: Timmih! [\"Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nJonesy: [stands] Wow. They really are chanting for us. [\"Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nMark: Hn they want us back. [\"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nSkyler: What do you say, Timmy? [\"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nTimmy: Rrr, rrr, uh, Timmih. [\"Tim-my! Tim-my!\"]\nThe Lords: Alright!\nScene Description: The Lalapalalapaza concert.\nHost: Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce the reunion tour of Timmehuh!\nTimmy: [rolls up to the mic] Timmiihh, and the Lords of the Underworld! [Skyler looks over at Timmy with pride, then starts the band up] Timmiihh! [he's learned to move like the other band members do] Timmih! Livin' a lie-ah! [Stan and Kyle grin. Kyle then waves. Chef, the pharmacist and the doctor sway to the music] Hidilah Timmy! [his parents, Richard and Helen, are there] Timmuh- Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!\nThe Lords: And the Lords of the Underworld.\nPhil Collins: [being moved over the audience] Put me down, you filthy bastards! [he's turned face down, and his Oscar is sticking out of his ass] Awwww!\nTimmy: Timmiihh uluh-livin' a lie!\nScene Description: End credits roll, and Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld play on."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Some of the families are gathered there\nRandy: Okay, is everyone ready to go?\nSheila: Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted to see Cirque du Cheville.\nSharon: Me too. We were lucky to get tickets. [calls out] Come on, boys! We're gonna be late. [the boys, dressed in their Sunday best, walk in with heads down in resentment]\nLiane: Oh, don't they look precious?\nStan: Why do we have to dress up? Isn't this just a circus, with elephants and lions and stupid clowns\nSharon: No, Stanley. Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian. They get acrobats and singers from all over the world and then do very artistic things..\nKyle: Awwww!\nGrandpa: [rolls up] Why the hell do you wanna take these boys to see that fufu French theater crap? You're gonna turn them into poofders!\nSharon: Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts!\nGrandpa: Well, he doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs prance around in tights and make-up wrappin' their peckers around each other's faces!\nSharon: Come on, everybody, let's go. [the others turn and head out the front door.]\nGrandpa: [follows] Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy! Remember, you're a man.\nScene Description: Cirque du Cheville, night. Folks are streaming in to get seats. Next, under the Big Top\nSheila: Oh, this is so exciting\nSharon: Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley.\nStan: Where? [a clown appears next to him, and he looks up] Oh, no. [the clown pulls out an umbrella and a bicycle horn, squeezes the horn and gets showered by the umbrella. The adults laugh, and the clown offers him the umbrella] Ha ha, very funny, thank you, goodbye. [the clown insists Stan take part, and the parents laugh at the sound of the horn] No, thank you. [the clown tries again] Go away, please.\nCartman: He doesn't want your dumbass umbrella, clown! Beat it! [Liane smacks him on the back of the head] Ow. [the clown tries once more with Stan. Stan rolls his eyes, takes the umbrella, and is showered by it when the clown presses the horn. The crowd roars with laughter as the clown revels in his cleverness]\nRandy: You didn't know that was gonna happen, did you, Stanley? [Stan looks up angrily]\nCartman: [comments] Oh, God, that was soo funny! Oh, man, somebody stop my guts frm bursting out of my sides! [the clown gets mad as Cartman talks, then takes the umbrella from Stan and walks away in a huff]\nAnnouncer: [affecting a French accent] Ladies and gentlemen, please, no smoking and no flash-photography during Sarque du Son Bleu\nCartman: [echoes the announcer] Sarque du Son Bleu. [sticks his tongue out. A performer comes out and starts singing] Oho, we've reached fag factor 5, captain.\nLiane: Eric, sshhhh. [the performer is joined by men rolling by in wheels behind him and others prancing by in front. The parents smile in awe]\nKyle: How long does this thing last?\nStan: Two hours.\nCartman, Kyle, Kenny: Awwwgh.\nScene Description: Cirque du Cheville, later. A troupe of twelve dancers leap high and drop down again. The parents are still in thrall, and their eyes follow the dancers' leaps. Cartman is now asleep. Some time elapses, and a singer sings her song. The other three boys are getting sleepy. The smiles are gone from the parents' faces. The singer is shown with a two-person high-wire act overhead. Little \"birds\" pop out from her dress and dance around. A new act appears, and Stan is looking away feeling bored. Kyle and Kenny seem more awake. An invisible man in a visible suit walks on, and a green man with big ears jumps out of the floor in front of him. The green man and the man shake hands, and the green man rips the man's right arm off. A new act comes on, and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are really drowsy. The curtains open to reveal five girls, and they come forward to dance\nSharon: Ooo, these are the contorting quintuplets from Romania. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are curious. Each of the quints lays on her stomach and puts her feet over her back and on her head.]\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [Stan and Kyle stir, and Kyle nudges Cartman]\nCartman: Wha-what? Another gay guy in feathers? [the quints pile on to make an X, then roll off and reposition themselves into a circle]\nKyle: Whoa. [a few twirls, and the middle one is thrust into the air. The two girls on the outside leap up and land on the other two's heads and catch the middle girl, to form a pentagon. Then they form a large cat, then a yacht,...]\nStan: Damn, dude. [...then the Eiffel Tower, and finally, a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The crowd cheers]\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Yayy!\nKenny: (Oh yeah! Woohoo!)\nScene Description: Cirque du Cheville, dismissal. The crowd exits the tent\nSheila: Oh, that was wonderful!\nSharon: Yes. Too bad it was their last show, or I'd go see it again.\nKyle: Those contorting Romanian chicks rule.\nCartman: Yeah, especially that second one from the left. She was fine!\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?! They're identical!\nCartman: Not that second one from the left; she had it goin' on! [they pass \"LE SOUVENIRS,\" a booth manned by a clown dressed in yellow.]\nClown: [the boys turn to see him] Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, folks. [the adults gather and clamor for the items on display. As they do, the boys talk]\nStan: Damn, dude, do you see how much money this place is raking in?\nCartman: Yeah. I could prance around in little tights and sing opera too, for that kind of cash.\nKyle: Hey, we should start our own Cirque du Cheville.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nStan: Yeah. This one's moving out of town, so we could take over. [the boys turn to leave]\nKyle: Let's go practice. [they exit]\nScene Description: Dressing Room #1. \"Vladchick Contorting Quintuplets\" is written over a star.\nGrandmama: Hurry up, girls. We must bundle up against the cold.\nA Quint: Did we do good final show, Grandmama?\nGrandmama: Very good, my girls. I only wish it weren't your last show. I love this country so very much. [a knock on the dressing room door, and two stern men walk in]\nRomanian official: Mrs. Vladchick, it is time. It is time to return to Romania.\nGrandmama: Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone second to finish getting them ready. [the men leave, and she looks to the dressing room window. She walks over, opens the window, turns, and] This way, girls. Quickly. [the girls head for the window. Grandmama lifts them out one by one.]\nQuint #2: Vhy are we going out the window, Grandmama?\nGrandmama: Your mother did not want you to grow up in Romania. This is our only chance. [drops the girl off outside]\nRomanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka.\nAttendant: Nid kelmin da lushka velt\nRomanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka ayn zolt! [the men laugh, the attendant looks at his watch]\nAttendant: M-Mrs. Vladchick? [the men enter and find the open window and no one at all]\nRomanian official: Dash fam da bushka!\nScene Description: Cirque du Cheville, outside the main tent. The two Romanian men rush out\nAttendant: They're trying to defect! [they rush up to the end of a dock just as Mrs. Vladchick and her granddaughters take off in a dinghy]\nRomanian official: [pumping a fist] Cauch! We need a boat. [sees two native men in a canoe, about to leave. He and the attendant walk over to them and gives one of the paddlers some money]\nNative paddler in vest: Where to, Mack?\nRomanian official: [gets on the canoe] Follow that boat. [the attendant gets on, and the four men paddle away]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room. The boys have bought a CD of the show, and Kenny sings to the instrumental of one of the songs. Kenny is wearing the costume the first singer wore. The other three are practicing... um... Stan tries to leap into Kyle's arms, but they end up tumbling on the floor. Cartman runs forth and does some cartwheels, but lands on a coffee table, breaking it to pieces.\nStan: Dude, this isn't working.\nKyle: It's Kenny's singing!\nKenny: (Hunh?)\nCartman: Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better!\nKenny: (I'm singing as good as I can!)\nStan: Well, it's not good enough, Kenny! You have to get better! Try it again! [Grandpa rolls by and notices the boys in dance poses]\nGrandpa: Aha, I knew it. They turned you into poofders.\nScene Description: Stark's Pond. Grandmama and the girls zoom away.\nRomanian official: There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchick. Pull over! [the canoe has caught up to the dinghy. Mrs. Vladchick looks back, then looks forward. They are closing in on a dock full of explosives, and she looks on in horror]\nGrandmama: Okay girls, the Cam Ay Alta. [the girls pile on Grandmama and form a tower, each female grabbing the head of the one below her. The top girl grabs a branch with a free hand, and all swing up in the air as one. The dinghy goes on with the canoe in pursuit]\nRomanian official: [In a high pitched voice] Be careful, Gabul! Be careful, Gabul! Yaaah! [the canoe runs into the dock and they both blow up. Pieces of the four men fall from the air.]\nTop girl: Did we do good, Grandmama?\nGrandmama: Very good, Glacas.\nScene Description: The 'camera' pulls back to reveal the entire high speed chase took place on Stark's Pond which is about 7 canoe lengths long.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Snow falls outside. The other boys have gone home\nStan: I'm tired, Grandpa.\nGrandpa: No, Billy! You're gonna stay here and watch more MacGyver. We've gotta get all the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties out of ya. [the doorbell rings] Who the hell would be ringin' the doorbell at this time of night?\nStan: I don't know. [walks over and opens the door] Whoa. [before him are the contorting Romanian quintuplets and their Grandmama, all shivering. Randy and Sharon show up in their pajamas]\nGrandmama: We are very sorry to disturb you. My granddaughters are cold and tired. Is there any possibility we could pay you for a place to sleep?\nRandy: You're from Cirque du Cheville. [Grandpa shows up]\nGrandmama: Yes. We- missed our train. If we could shelter here; it would only be for one night.\nRandy: Well...\nSharon: Well, of course you can. Come in out of the snow. [the girls grin and enter]\nGrandmama: Oh, thank you so much. [walks in]\nSharon: There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, Mrs...?\nGrandmama: Vladchick. [Sharon escorts her and the girls upstairs]\nGrandpa: That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass.\nRandy: Ew, Dad! Not in front of Stanley!\nGrandpa: Well, it's good for 'im.\nScene Description: The McCormick house. Kenny is in his room with three books on his bed.\nKenny: [reads \"Learning to Sing Better\"] (Let's see...No, not there) [tosses the book away and picks up \"The Essence of Voicing\"] (Let's see. Nothing there) [tosses it away and picks up \"Singing like Bocelli for Dummies\"] (Let's see...here!) [pulls out a tape and pops it into his tape player]\nNarrator: Hello, and welcome to: \"Singing like Bocelli for Dummies.\" Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha!\nKenny: (Yaaayaya.)\nNarrator: Lesson 2: Hehyayaya hehyayaya!\nKenny: (Hehyayaya hehyayaya!)\nNarrator: Good: And now we'll do the entire piece, \"Con te partirò\" [music begins to play]\nKenny: [leafs through the book] (Con te partirò?) [leafs some more and find it. A rat crawls onto the bed as Kenny looks at the tape player, looks around and leaves. Kenny immediately improves and begins singing like a Prima Divo, yet still characteristically Kenny-muffled...](...Su navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono piщ.con te io li rivivere. Con te...)[...and it becomes background music as the camera pans over to...]\nScene Description: 'Camera' pans from the McCormick house across the railroad tracks to the Marsh house. Kenny's voice is so powerful it can be heard clearly in the Marsh upper bedroom. Grandmama Vladchick is in her nightgown combing her hair. Grandpa Marsh rolls by\nKenny: (...partirò.)\nGrandpa: [startles Grandmama] Got everything you need there, do ya?\nKenny: (Su navi per mari)\nGrandmama: Yes. You're avefully soo kind to my little granddaughters.\nKenny: (che, io lo so,)\nGrandpa: They're quite agile little things, aren't they?\nKenny: (no, no, non esistono più)\nGrandmama: Yes, as I was back in my day. I was a contortionist, too.\nKenny: (con te io li rivivere.)\nGrandpa: Y'don't say. [strokes his chin]\nGrandmama: Yes.\nGrandpa: You...\nKenny: (Con te...)\nGrandpa: ...remember any of that stuff, do ya? [she looks flattered and intrigued.]\nKenny: (...partirò.Su navi per mariche, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più.)[as Kenny sings, Grandpa returns to Mrs. Vladchick's room naked... and without the wheelchair. She lifts up her left leg over her head, then lets it go. Kenny's getting into the song. The tape speeds up a bit...] (Io con te!)\nGrandpa: Ah. [A leg wraps around his chest] Oh. [a second leg wraps around his head] Ah! [an arm appears, then Mrs. Vladchick's head, then a third leg...] Oh. [Kenny is seen on bended knee on his bed during the last note, as Grandmama Vladchick and Grandpa reach climax.] Oh-oooh-oooh!\nScene Description: The McCormick house, Kenny's room. The music stops with a thump and Kenny collapses on his bed exhausted\nNarrator: And now lesson 4: the complete works of Mozart. Let's begin.\nKenny: [looks at the radio] (Damn!)\nScene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen enjoying some coffee\nSharon: What should we do, Randy? I like these Romanians fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer.\nRandy: Heh, it's 11 o'clock and she's still sleeping.\nSharon: Poor dear must be tired.\nGrandpa: [rolls in] You're damn right she's tired.\nRandy: Huh?\nGrandpa: Oh, nothin'. She's just gonna have a little trouble walkin' today is all. [rolls out].\nScene Description: The Marsh house, outside. Stan leads the other three boys in the side gate and to the backyard\nStan: Hurry up, you guys!\nCartman: What's going on?\nStan: Dude, you're not gonna believe this.\nKyle: What?! [they all turn, and the quints stand before them]\nQuint 1: Hello.\nQuint 2: Hello.\nQuint 3: Hi.\nQuint 4: Hello.\nCartman: No way! The bitches from Cirque du Chebleu!\nStan: Yeah. They're quintuplets from Romania.\nKyle: What's a \"quin-tuplet\"?\nQuint 2: Ve are twins, except there are five of us instead of two.\nKyle: But there's only four of you.\nQuint 2: No no, Natalia is just playing mirror buddies with Nadia.\nNadia: [steps out from behind Natalia] Hello.\nKyle: So if you're identical, does that mean you all think alike?\nAll five quints in unison: No, don't be ridiculous.\nStan: Will you guys be in our Cirque du Celville?\nA Quint: You have your own?\nStan: Well, not yet. Kenny has to get better at singing first.\nKenny: (Hey!)\nCartman: But as soon as he starts singing better, we're all gonna make bank!\nQuint 1: Okay.\nQuint 3: Sounds good.\nQuint 2: Count me in.\nQuint 5: Okay. [quint 4 says nothing, and the others look at her]\nQuint 4: ...Oh, and me.\nThe boys: All right!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen\nRandy: Alright, we've gotta figure out what to do. I'm gonna go wake her up. [leaves, reaches Grandmama's room, and knocks] Hello? Mrs... Mrs., Old Romanian Woman? [knocks twice more] Ma'am? [opens the door, looks in, and flies are heard buzzing around. Mrs. Vladchick is stiff, mouth open, arms up as if holding someone. Randy shuts the door in horror, then opens it and looks in again to be sure, then shuts it again, horrified]\nGrandpa: [rolls up] Well, all tuckered, is she? Ha ha ha ha.\nRandy: [serious] No, Dad.\nGrandpa: A little cottony in the crotch? Hr hr hr hr.\nRandy: No, Dad, she's dead!\nGrandpa: What?! [Randy opens the door and looks away, Grandpa rolls in to see for himself] Oh, dear Jesus!\nRandy: It looks like she had a heart attack.\nGrandpa: No wonder she didn't say good-night.\nRandy: [stares at him, then leans away] Ew!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard\nStan: Okay, hold it, hold it. [climbs over Cartman and Kyle to form a tower. The quintuplets have executed their X formation. Stan is trying to stand when all three boys tumble to the ground. The quints break their formation and drop down]\nThe boys: Ow! [Randy and Sharon walk out and approach the kids]\nSharon: I don't know how to tell. You tell them. [they stop]\nRandy: Uh, girls, we... have some bad news.\nQuint 5: What?\nRandy: Um... [Sharon holds his hand] Everyone who has a grandma, step forward. [Stan and Cartman step forward, then the girls] Uh, not so fast, girls. [Sharon gasps and glares at him. The girls step back, then realize what has just happened. They begin to sob]\nSharon: Randy! [amid the sobs, some of the quints have questions]\nQuint 2: Grandmama is dead?\nQuint 1: What are we going to do now? [Randy and Sharon stand there helplessly]\nCartman: [in a low voice] You guys, come here. [steps forward. The others join him] This is totally awesome.\nStan: What?!\nKyle: How can you say that?\nCartman: Because now we can convince them to stay here, and now our circus will kick ass!\nKyle: Oh, yeah!\nStan: [rushes up] Mom! Dad! Can the quints stay with us? Please? Can they?\nRandy: Well, Stan, it's not really our-\nStan: They have nowhere else to go. [presses hands together] Please?\nSharon: Well, for the time being I, I mean, of course they can stay.\nStan, Kyle: Hooray!\nCartman: Hooray!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard, some days later. Neighborhood men and women walk up to a fenced-in area of the yard in which the quints play with various toys and balls\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing at the home in South Park where five precious little girls have been rescued from Romania. Their mother passes away some months ago, and then their grandmother died trying to bring them here. But all is well now, and people are coming from all over the country to view the little tykes. [someone takes a picture] If you'd like to come down and visit the quintuplets, admission is only $5, and for a few dollars more [\"FEED THE QUINTS! One Dollar\" A man buys some fishsticks], you can feed them fishsticks.\nA Quint: [hops up and down, then opens her mouth for a fishstick the man drops down to her] Mmm.\nReporter: Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania.\nScene Description: Romania, daytime with grey sky. Pan across grey, dismal, identical blocky buildings. Government officials watch the report in a run-down office\nReporter: Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world. [a last shot of the quints is seen] Back to you, Tom.\nPresident: This is not good. It makes our country look poor and stupid.\nRomanian official: This could kill our tourism.\nPresident: You know what to do. [they salute him and leave.]\nScene Description: South Park School of Music\nInstructor: [at the piano] Alright, Kenny, let's start with some warm-up exercises. [plays the sequence C E G C G E C]\nKenny: [sings along] (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) [his mom looks on. The instructor and Kenny move on to the D and E scales.]\nMrs. McCormick: Well, what do you think? Can you help him become a better singer?\nInstructor: Well, he's got potential. Depends on how good he wants to be.\nKenny: (I wanna be really good)\nInstructor: Well, if you wanna be a real singer, you need to go to a conservatory in Europe. There's no other alternative.\nKenny: (Europe?)\nMrs. McCormick: We can't afford that.\nInstructor: Well, then, I'm afraid your son will always be a hack.\nKenny: (Awww.)\nMrs. McCormick: Well, Kenny, if it means that much to you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and... you can sing on the way to make money.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nScene Description: The Marsh house, breaking news music is heard. Sharon rushes into the kitchen\nSharon: Randy, Randy, you'd better have look at this. [exits to the living room]\nRandy: [follows her out] What? [The boys and the quints watch the news. Sharon and Randy join them]\nAnchor Tom: ...until the U.S. government receives this video, which was sent from Romania just hours ago.\nMan: [reading a statement at gunpoint] Hello. This is Romanian father. I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania.\nRandy: Uh-oh.\nStan: That's your dad?\nQuint 2: Maybe.\nQuint 1: But we haven't seen papa for more than five years.\nMan: How I've missed them all. Little Nahlal.\nVoice: [hits the man on the head with the gun, k'chunk] Nadia!\nMan: Nadia, my sweet Barshta\nVoice: [k'chunk] Baltania!\nMan: Baltania, eh anyway, my heart is aching for their return. I, I know the American government will do what's right. [the TV is turned off]\nKyle: Hoh no, dude. If they get sent back to Romania, we'll never get our Cirque dei Ceville going.\nStan: [gets up and runs to his parents] Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send them back, are you??\nSharon: Well, I... think we... have to,... don't we? [looks at Randy]\nRandy: I don't know.\nKyle: [the girls look at him] You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, do you? It sucks there.\nCartman: Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down.\nSharon: We'll have to call the police and see what they want us to do. [she and Randy walk away]\nCartman: Damn, we might be screwed.\nStan: No! We've just gotta convince these chicks that America kicks the ass out of every other country. Come on! [walks off]\nScene Description: South Park Train Station. Kenny and his mom await the train. Kenny launches into \"La donna è mobile.\" Carol holds a \"Trying To Get To Europe\" sign. The other boys take the quints to South Park Funland\nCartman: [in a log ride with the other seven, passes a lumberjack scene] You see, in America we have... log rides! [Kenny and his mom are at a bus terminal in Denver. A couple passes by and drops some money into the hat. Next, Cartman and friends are at Burger Cook, a fast-food restaurant] Bacon double-cheeseburgers! [Kenny and his mom are now at Coyote Bus Lines (play on Greyhound Bus Lines) in St. Louis at night. A man peeks through a door, another man drops some money into the hat. Next day] Sheep-shearing contests!\nScene Description: 22nd Annual Sheep Shearing Contest\nScene Description: A man shears a sheep with a shearer as the eight kids and four adults watch\nA fan: Yeah. Woo hoohoohoo. Yeah. [the girls look on expressionless then #2 and #3 look at each other skeptically. Kenny and his mom are now at JFK International Airport in New York. Kenny gets some more money]\nCartman: [showing the others around a three-story shopping mall] And shopping malls! Hooray! [the girls are grinning. Kenny finally lands in Europe and goes out through gate 96]\nScene Description: Welcome To Europe! Coziest LittlePlace On Earth! Elevation 4200 ft.\nKenny: (Woo hoo!)\nScene Description: the U.S. Capitol. The Romanian father and two Romanian officials sit in Janet Reno's office\nRomanian official: [no beard] Mrs. Janet Reno, you must understand, the father has right to his children.\nJanet Reno: [flanked by two agents in riot gear] Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here. Why don't you all stay here in America, and this whole thing can go away.\nMr. Vladchick: Okay. [the official smacks him with the back of the hand] Heh!\nRomanian official: Our home is Romania. We love it there.\nMr. Vladchick: Ah, yes, uwuh we love it there.\nRomanian official: If daughters will not return on their own, you must force them to return\nJanet Reno: Gentlemen, this has to be handled very delicately. You don't understand Americans' power to protest.\nRomanian official: Protest?\nJanet Reno: Look, people have it so good in America that they get bored very easily. And when people get bored they start protesting things.\nAll three men: Oh.\nJanet Reno: But I want to assure you, and the Romanian people, that we are going to do everything in our power to make this as confusing as possible. [the Romanians already look confused]\nScene Description: South Park, the Marsh house, day. A crowd of protesters lobby in front of the house with signs like \"No Go!\", \"We (heart) The Quints\" and \"Romania (with red cross-out circle stamp)\".\nProtesters: Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!\nStephen Stotch: Fur is murder! Fur is murder! [notices the stares] Oh, what are we protesting here?\nA Protester: [with a \"No Romania\" sign] Romania sucks!\nStephen Stotch: Oh, let's see [His professional protest sign has multiple pages and he flips through from \"FUR IS MURDER\" to \"FREE KEVORKIAN,\" \"SLEEPING BAGS KILL,\" then \"ROMANIA SUCKS\"] Here we go. Romania sucks!\nProtesters: Romania sucks! Romania sucks!\nSharon: [looks out through the window. \"Romania sucks! Romania sucks! Romania sucks!\"] Oh my God! I didn't know this was going to become such a big deal.\nRandy: [\"Romania sucks!\"] That'll teach us for taking an old lady and her granddaughters out of the cold.\nLead agent Collins: [backed by 11 other agents and a humvee] Attention, people inside the house! [Randy and Sharon look] You must return the quintuplets to their father! You have until... [lowers the bullhorn. An agent comes up and whispers] Oh yeah, that's good. [back on the bullhorn] You have until Easter Sunday to comply.\nProtester: Nooo!\nProtesters: Boooo!\nCollins: What?! [the protesters gang up on the agents, beating them with their signs]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, Stan's room. Stan and friends are oblivious to the action outside\nStan: Okay, let's try it again. Hup!\nA quint: Hup! [she leaps into position to complete the arch. Kyle and Cartman dive through and get up]\nKyle: Alright!\nRandy: [enters] Stan, we- [the sight of the undressed boys stops him]\nSharon: Stanley, we have some bad news. The courts have decided the girls must go back to Romania.\nStan: No, they can't! We've convinced them that they want to stay in America.\nKyle: Yeah, we've shown them amusement parks and malls. How can you expect them to go back now??\nRandy: I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday. We... don't have a choice. Sorry, girls. [he and Sharon walk away]\nStan: Now what do we do?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, outside, day. Several days have passed, and now the protest crowd is larger, and news cameras are present\nReporter: Tom, it is now Easter morning, and as the U.S. government promised, they are here to take the girls back to their father in Romania. Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets. [just then, a helicopter flies in and hovers over the house. Janet Reno, dressed in a bunny suit, waits in the open door to be lowered]\nSoldier: Alright, Ms. Reno, let's go over the plan.\nJanet Reno: Right.\nSoldier: We'll drop you on the northwest corner of the backyard. You hop into the back of the house and find the quintuplets. When you see them, you say...\nJanet Reno: \"Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny.\"\nSoldier: Good. And then hand them the Easter eggs filled with tear gas. Are you ready?\nJanet Reno: Ready.\nSoldier: Code blue!\nJanet Reno: Code blue! [drops down onto the yard]\nScene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny is heard singing. He is onstage as his song ends, and his mom joins him with three other people\nMusic instructor: Lad, we would like very much to have you here at the Romanian Music School.\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nCarol: How much is all this gonna cost?\nMusic instructor: Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania is very poor country. Apartment is cheap. Food is cheap, Everything is cheap because we are so God-damned poor.\nAssistant: Yes, your two hundred American dollars will last months here.\nCarol: Wow, what a great country. Everybody's poor, like us.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Protesters and police mill around the front yard\nJanet Reno: [enters the kitchen through the back door] Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny. [sees nothing but furniture before her. She pulls out a an assault rifle with scope and silencer then moves forth] Happy Easter, kids. Come see what I brought for ya. [Stan, his parents, and the quints watch TV in the living room, and Janet Reno peeks at them. Terrance and Phillip are heard on the TV. Janet Reno pulls back and flattens herself against the kitchen wall]\nPhillip: Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart. [Reno pulls out an Easter egg and throws it at the girls. It ends up right in front of them]\nTerrance: Wait. Before you do, pull my thumb.\nQuint 2: Oh, look. An Easter egg.\nRandy: Oh, shi- [the Easter egg unleashes its tear gas, and all cough and choke]\nLead soldier: That's it. Let's move, move move move, move! [breaks through the front door and leads the other police officers in.] Give us the kids, now! Now!\nOfficer 1: Down on the floor. Get down on the God-damned floor! [more officers stream in as Sharon drops down to the floor and assumes the fetal position]\nOfficer 2: Find them!\nJanet Reno: [bursts through the master bedroom door] This is a bust! Hand over the quints! [police officers are already there looking for them under the bed and in dresser drawers. Reno joins them and heads for the closet. She opens a sliding door and finds Randy holding Stan in his arms and points her weapon at them thus comically recreating the famous image of the US Border Patrol agent pointing his MP5 submachine gun at six year old Elian Gonzalez held by his rescuer Donato Dalrymple] Hand over the children! Happy Easter. Hand over the children!!\nGrandpa: [rolls in] What the hell's goin' on?! [all guns point to him]\nOfficer 3: Freeze, asshole!\nGrandpa: Aw, go ahead and shoot me! I dare ya!\nOfficer 3: Don't push me, man!\nGrandpa: Pull the trigger, you little pussy!\nOfficer 3: Gaahhh! [aims away from Grandpa and lets loose with gunfire]\nOfficer 4: Gun! Gun! [fires into the room. Reno drops down to avoid getting hit. Bullets riddle the wall]\nJanet Reno: Down! Down! [outside, the protesters back away from the house]\nProtester: Riot! Riot! [protesters now move forward against a wall of police]\nOfficer 5: Pepper spray! Pepper spray! [the police harden their line, pull out their cans and spray the protesters, who drop down immediately coughing. The house blows up. When the smoke clears, Reno and two officers are seen carrying the quints away. They reach a black van and toss the girls inside.]\nOfficer 6: Go ahead! In the van! [Reno goes in, followed by the other officers. One of them barks an order to the driver, and the van leaves the scene.]\nStan: [standing in front of the still burning ruins of his house] Dammit, now I'm never gonna have my own circus!\nScene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny performs \"Der Hölle Rache\" in front of a full house. He finishes the aria and the audience erupts in applause. Roses rain down upon him as he takes his bow.\nMusic instructor: Oh, your son is so talented, Ms. McCormick. The people of Romania love him.\nCarol: Good job, Kenny.\nMusic instructor: Mrs. McCormick, we would love for you and your son to stay here in Romania, with us. Will you consider it?\nCarol: [She kneels down and places her hand on Kenny's head] Well, what do you think, Kenny? You'd have to leave your friends and your family behind.\nKenny: (Sure!)\nMusic instructor: Alright!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. The protesters leave one by one. The Marshes stand in the bombed-out ruins\nSharon: Oh, Randy, it's gone! It's all gone!\nCartman: [arrives with Kyle] Dude, what the hell happened?\nStan: The government came and got the quintuplets. No more Cirque du Cheville for us.\nKyle: Damnit! How come every time we get a sweet idea, the government has to screw it up?!\nStan: Yeah! Well, not this time!\nCartman: Huh?\nStan: We've just gotta get that angry mob back on our side! [addresses the mob] Alright, everybody, listen up! Those bastards broke in here and took those poor quintuplets to the mayor's office downtown! But they haven't won yet! I say we all go over to the mayor's office, and demand to see the quintuplets right now!\nProtester 1: Hmm.\nProtester 2: Yeaahh.\nProtester 3: I don't know. I usually like to stop protesting by 5:30.\nProtester 4: Yeah, ah, do we get overtime for this?\nStan: Uh, sure, you can all get overtime.\nProtester 5: Alright! [Fist pumps]\nProtester 6: Yeah!\nProtester 7: Down with Japan! [the mob moves away]\nScene Description: An office. Janet Reno and the two officers meet the Mayor and her aides for a photo-op. The photographer takes his shot.\nJanet Reno: Alright. We just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father so everyone knows they're happy. [The girls are shown with their grinning father. Two of them sit on his laps, the other three stand in front]\nPhotographer: Come on, girls. Smile. [the girls look downcast] We want you to look happy. Smile. [works a sock puppet on his left hand] Look at the silly frog. Who's got the silly frog? Look at him. I've got- Look at him. It's so silly. \"I'm so silly.\" [the girls still have their eyes cast down]\nScene Description: Romania, day. A news report on TV\nStuart: Ah, hello? This is Kenny's dad, back in America. I miss my son very much. I would like to see him returned to me so that the U.S. government will buy me a new car and- [the butt of a rifle strikes the side of his head] Ow! I mean, bec- because I miss my son very much. [looks to his right] Man.\nScene Description: A United States Air Force checkpoint, later. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan approach, and a soldier intervenes\nStan: Hey! We wanna see the quintuplets!\nSoldier: [Holds out hand to stop their progress] You can't see them, boys. They're happily reunited with their father.\nStan: [whistles a signal] Come on, angry mob! [the mob appears behind him. All of them move forward and overrun the checkpoint. A lagging protester runs over a fallen soldier]\nSoldier: Aaa-a-a-aaa-ah.\nScene Description: The USAF office. Reno has taken her mask off and stands next to the girls. Behind her are six officers, and next to them are the two Romanian officials and Mr. Vladchick.\nRomanian official: [the bearded one] Alright, it is time for us to return to Romania.\nJanet Reno: [hears something] What is that?\nOfficer 7: [at a window] It's the protesters. They're back.\nJanet Reno: God-damnit! [Puts back on her Easter Bunny 'helmet'] We'll take care of them. Come on! [leaves the office]\nOfficer 8: Let's move. Move!\nOfficer 7: Come on, come on, come on.\nOfficer 9: Come oonn, come oonn. [they follow Reno out, leaving the quints alone in front of a poster that reads \"Join the Army... It's KILLER!!!\". The officers engage the protesters on a runway]\nOfficer 10: This is government property!\nProtester: Let the quints stay! [Reno and Sharon head for each other]\nSharon: You ruined my house! [lays out Reno using a baseball bat to the Bunny helmet. The quints look out the window, then turn around. Quint 2 hops off the bench and walks to the office phone]\nQuint 1: What are you doing, Nadia?\nNadia: I'm calling the only person in the vorld who can help us. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing. The other girls look at each other.]\nScene Description: A USAF airfield, later. Protesters and officers are still brawling. Stan and Kyle each kick an officer on the shin.\nCartman: Take that! [kicks an officer on the shin]\nQuint 3: [heads towards the battlefield and addresses everyone] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! [the other four quints are with her. Weapons and signs are lowered]\nQuint 1: All of you are acting like idiots!\nStan: Yeah.\nQuint 1: None of you care about us. You only care about yourselves!\nQuint 2: Look at you, Father. You walked out on us five years ago [he removes his hat and holds it tight], and now you act like you miss us sooo much! You are a liar and a fake!\nCartman: Yeah, you suck, dude!\nQuint 3: And you Romanian leaders [both of them are there], you don't care about us! All you care about is making America look stupid!\nCartman: Yeah! God, you guys are dicks!\nQuint 3: And you protesters! Don't you have anything better to do?! Get a life!\nCartman: Yeah!\nQuint 3: And you boys are the worst of all!\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Huh?\nQuint 3: You know nothing about Romania, and yet you assume America is so much better! Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home! We are Romanian! All you care about is your own stupid circus! [at this point, a limousine pulls up behind them. It's from the Oprah show. The driver opens the back door and the girls head for the back seat]\nJanet Reno: [has a protester in a headlock] Where are you going, girls?\nQuint 1: The only place we can go. We're going on Oprah and then a book tour. [turns and climbs in, followed by three others]\nQuint 5: Yes. You can all kiss our little white Romanian asses! [wiggles her ass at the crowd and climbs in. The limo leaves and everyone is left in a state of shock.]\nStan: Oh, well. Doing our own circus was a dumb idea anyways.\nCartman: Yeah, screw them!\nKyle: Kenny was never gonna get his singing right anyway.\nStan: Whatever happened to Kenny?\nScene Description: Romania, still grey and dismal daytime. Romanian protesters with signs bearing a picture of Kenny's head lobby in front of the house Kenny's in.\nRomanian protesters: Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! [a van pulls up and police officers all the way from the U.S. pour out]\nOfficer 1: [sternly] Alright, people, the father wants his son returned to him! Hand him over to us!\nRomanian protesters: Boooo!\nOfficer 2: Shut up, Romanians! All right, let's go. Move move move move! [bursts through the front door. Officers pour in and look all over the place for Kenny. They enter the master bedroom, and look under the bed and in dresser drawers. One of them head for the closet and opens the sliding door and again the Elian Gonzalez scene is recreated with Kenny and his mother facing the police]\nOfficer 3: [seeing Carol holding Kenny] Hand over the boy, now!\nCarol: Okay, okay!\nOfficer 3: I mean it, lady, you've got about-! [his assault rifle goes off, riddling Kenny with bullets. His mom is distraught and drops Kenny] Whoops."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room\nCartman: Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing card! [tosses it in front of him] You can deny it, or cover it up.\nStan: Dude, I don't understand this game at all.\nCartman: [Front of board game box is seen with 'Kurtis' spelled incorrectly with a 'C'] It's \"Investigative Reports with Bill Kurtis\" funtime game. You have to decide if you deny it or cover it up.\nStan: Um, deny it?\nCartman: Okay, let's see what Bill Kurtis says. [presses an electronic Bill Kurtis head]\nElectronic Head: [trembles from side to side] Hello, I'm Bill Kurtis. Many believe that the U.S. Government... covered it up. I'm Bill Kurtis.\nKyle: Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you... a jail-time card. [tosses it in front of him] You lose a turn.\nStan: Sweet.\nCartman: Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you... AIDS! [tosses the card in front of him]\nKyle: What?\nCartman: I just gave you AIDS.\nKyle: AIDS?! [looks confused]\nStan: Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle AIDS.\nCartman: Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns [Kyle turns angry] and 800 points. [camera pans back, and Kenny's parents appear at the door with arms around each other]\nCarol: Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about having another baby. Wouldn't you like to have another brother or sister?\nKenny: (No.)\nStuart: [tickling his wife] We just might get workin' on it later tonight, huh huh huh. [they walk off giggling]\nCartman: God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family is already on welfare, and now they're gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are turning out babies, adding to the overpopulation, and they're expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars.\nStan: You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! You're eight!\nCartman: ...You see. [stands] Gaw, this is just what I've been talkin' about! I can't even relate to you guys anymore because you're too immature!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: I've gotta start hanging out with friends that are a little more intelligent, and understand ...politics and stuff. It's just that... I'm up on this level up here [hovers his right hand at eye level], and all my friends are down here [hovers it at stomach level].\nKyle: You don't know what you're talking about, fatass!\nCartman: Nononono! Me h'myah [hand at eye level], you guys myah! [hand at chest level] - maybe a little mo down, down in hyah. [hand at foot level. Then he straightens up] SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME. [turns around, walks out, and towards the front door.]\nElectronic Head: I'm Bill Kurtis.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor in his room. Next to him is a computer\nCartman: I've outgrown all my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [looks at Clyde Frog for a few seconds, then] Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog! [walks over to the chair and hops on] I can meet new friends on the Internet! [clicks the mouse and presses a few keys, then the computer chimes. A list of chat rooms comes up] Here's a chat room: \"Men Who Like Young Boys\" [moves the cursor to the title and clicks on it] That's perfect. [starts typing] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and would li- [replies start cascading over his message] Wow! Look at all these guys who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316. [click on Tony's reply and starts typing] Hi Tony. [clicks and reads the reply] \"So what are you into?\" [replies] Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face. [clicks and reads the reply] \"Kewl. Wanna get together? [softer] Smiley-face?\" [replies] Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking, smiley, face. [clicks and reads the reply] \"Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning.\" [replies] Sounds good. See you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley-face. [clicks, then brightly] You see that, Clyde Frog? Tomorrow I'm gonna meet my first mature friend!\nScene Description: Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man seated alone in a booth.\nCartman: Hi, are you Tony? [the man looks unusually friendly]\nTony: Yeah. You're -Eric?\nCartman: Yeah! [gets into the booth and sits next to Tony]\nTony: [meekly, hands a bag to Cartman] I brought you some candy.\nCartman: [takes the bag] Wow, cool!\nTony: [hands him two books] And some books on Kama Sutra.\nCartman: Neato! Having older friends kicks ass, uh! You see, I've, I've really been having a tough time. I've kind of matured faster than my other friends [Tony places his hand on Cartman's back and starts rubbing with an open smile]; we don't really relate anymore, and, and uh, alright uh, all my friends seem so childish now.\nTony: Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?\nCartman: Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks. [two agents burst through the main door and head for Tony and Cartman]\nAgent: Hold it right there, scumbag!\nTony: [Quickly removes hands from Cartman] Huh?\nCartman: Huh?\nAgent: [pulls out some handcuffs] We monitored your little online chat. [cuffs Tony] Now you're coming with us! [hauls him away]\nTony: [meekly] No! [the two agents whisk him outside]\nCartman: [concerned] What the hell just happened?\nScene Description: Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries a baby\nMom: You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save food for the baby.\nDad: Your mom and I are going out for a few weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.\nMom: Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers!\nDad: You have to share your room with the baby!\nMom: The baby.\nDad: The baby!\nMom: The baby!!\nKenny: [wakes and sits up] (HAAAAAAAAGH!) [looks around]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is tickling his wife again\nCarol: [giggles] Stop it!\nStuart: Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again.\nCarol: Oh, alright. [they get up and move when Kenny arrives with glove and baseball]\nKenny: (Dad, I wanna play catch.)\nStuart: Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later, son.\nKenny: (But I wanna play now!)\nCarol: Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.\nStuart: Aw, alright.\nScene Description: Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa\nStuart: Well alright, here comes a pop fly. See if you can catch it! [tosses it high, but straight for Kenny's glove. Kenny catches it] Good job. Now throw me one. [Kenny takes the ball out of the glove, looks at it in anger, and shoots it straight for his father's groin. Stuart doubles over in pain and covers his crotch] Ohp! Guhhogh! [groaning, he ends up on his side, then throws up]\nCarol: [opens the door and rushes out] What happened?!\nStuart: Aw, he smacked me in the balls! [groans some more. Kenny tosses the glove to his mother]\nKenny: [goes inside] (Woohoo!) [Stuart groans some more, then vomits]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room\nCartman: Okay, we'll try this again. [starts typing as BigBoned] Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to- [More quickly than before, his screen fills with cascading replies. He picks one] Oh, this one looks good: HungDaddy. [starts typing] Hello, HungDaddy. [reads the reply] \"Hi. I'm eight and a half inches.\" Damn, dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf. [Says out loud:] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. [Types and says:] Midgets piss me off. Frowny face. [clicks and moves on] Lemme see, how about this one?\nScene Description: The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.\nCartman: [draws close to the man] Mister Hammerhead?\nMr. Hammerhead: [turns around and is instantly recognizable] Hi there.\nCartman: Mr. Garrison??\nMr. Garrison: [startled] Haah! Eric!\nCartman: You wanna be my friend?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, crap!\nCartman: That's cool, we can hang out. What do you wanna do first?\nMr. Garrison: Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing! [four agents appear and head for him]\nAgent: Alright, scumbag, we got you!\nMr. Garrison: [voice quivering] Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys came. This... little boy was trying to have his way with me.\nAgent: Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little online chat-now, you're coming with us! [the four agents, two on either side of Garrison, take him away]\nMr. Garrison: No-o!\nCartman: Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends? This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!\nScene Description: South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture window.\nKyle: See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis machines. [elderly people are seen hooked up to them] Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube, and it sucks all their body fluids out.\nStan: Oh, man, that's terrible.\nKyle: I know, hunh? Put your mouth against the glass like this. [plants his lips wide on the glass and blows out] Waaaaah! [as the seal takes hold, his cheeks puff up and the inside of his his mouth shows clearly - it is a blow face. Stan smiles]\nStan: Haha, he-yeah ha. [makes his own blow face] Haaaaah.\nKyle: [makes the blow face and wags his tongue at the patients] Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.\nStan: [does the same] Blaaa-lalalalalalala.\nCartman: [walks up] Alright, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?!\nStan: [looks and then faces him. Kyle follows] We're making faces at sick people.\nCartman: No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?! Why are all my mature adult friends being \"mys-teriously\" arrested, huh?! [Stan and Kyle are confused and look at each other]\nStan: We don't know.\nCartman: I'll tell you why! Because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, and so you've started a government conspiracy against me!\nKyle: We don't know what you're talking about, lardbutt.\nCartman: Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly, I guess I was wrong about you guys, huh?!\nStan: You're not more mature than us, Cartman!\nCartman: YES I AM!! [Stan and Kyle back up a bit. Cartman turns and walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet up\nMr. Garrison: I'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Complainy Pants.\nMr. Garrison: O-ogh! [returns to the bed and sits]\nTony: Do you like having your back rubbed?\nMr. Garrison: Eat me, pervert!\nTony: Okay. [some commotion is heard outside. A group of men is seen approaching and the front door opens. The men walk in and approach the desk]\nMan: We demand you release these men at once!\nOfficer Barbrady: Who are you?\nMan: We are NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, and we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping?\nOfficer Barbrady: Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters.\nMan: Loving young boys has been around since the time of the Romans, pal! There's nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man and a young boy can be a beautiful thing!\nOther NAMBLA Men: [ad lib] Yeah, uh-huh.\nOfficer Barbrady: [stands up] Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until I hear from the FBI.\nMan: Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!\nOther NAMBLA Men: Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay people [the men fall silent], I think you'd better move along before I arrest more of you!\nMan: All these men wanted was to love a young boy! [pounds the table a few times] There is nothing wrong with love!\nMr. Garrison: I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. [gasps and shrieks] Aah! I mean, I like women! What did I say?-Oh God! I love titties!\nMan: You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. [turns and heads for the door] Come on, men! [the others follow him out, chattering]\nOfficer Barbrady: [sits back down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.\nScene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night with eery lightning overhead and thunder heard. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are at a lab table\nDr. Mephesto: I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese. [the \"cheesemunk\"in the box groans] Do you know what this means, Kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. No more will mankind have to pick- [the doorbell rings] Who could that be? [walks over and opens the door] Why, it's little Eric Cartman.\nCartman: Dr. Mephesto, I need help.\nDr. Mephesto: Well of course, come in.\nCartman: [follows Mephesto and Kevin in] You see, unfortunately I have matured faster than all my friends. I wanna hang out with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically engineer some older friends for me.\nDr. Mephesto: [stops and faces him] Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people.\nCartman: Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older guys!\nDr. Mephesto: Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you. It's called, NAMBLA.\nCartman: NAMBLA?\nDr. Mephesto: Yes. I have been a member for several years. I'm sure they'd let you join. You l-look about right.\nCartman: Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto! [turns and walks out]\nDr. Mephesto: Sure!\nScene Description: South Park Inn. \"No Vacancy\" \"Welcome NAMBLA.\" Inside, the NAMBLA leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture line the walls\nMan: [henceforth, NAMBLA leader] Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, hn hn, we continue to be discriminated against. Recently, the FBI has started to arrest men, who are doing nothing more than trying to start a sexual relationship with a young boy.\nMembers: Awwww.\nNAMBLA leader: And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals and women's are protected under civil-rights laws, [pounds on the podium] we want the same!\nMembers: [weakly] Yeah.\nEager Man: Yeh-hehah-hah.\nNAMBLA leader: What we need is proof that young boys want to be members of NAMBLA. That they want love from us. We need a poster child, to show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing and a- [Cartman enters and takes a seat. Men in the back row look on with some awe.] Can we... help you?\nCartman: Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization. Is that cool?\nNAMBLA leader: You... do?\nCartman: Sure.\nNAMBLA leader: [greatly relieved] Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.\nCartman: [looks around] ...Sweet.\nScene Description: South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients are dismayed. Kenny soon tries to make a blow face but his ever present hood is still on. His parents walk up\nCarol: Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it. I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little brother or sister.\nKenny: (No!!) [the camera zooms in on him]\nCarol: Yup, it's for sure!\nStuart: And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too!\nCarol: Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need to start movin' stuff out of your room. [the parents walk away]\nKyle: Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.\nStan: Yeah. Now what are you going to do?\nKenny: (I don't know. But I've gotta think of something.) [turns around and walks away in his parents' direction]\nCartman: [rushes up from the other direction] Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you gu-uys didn't!\nKyle: What are you talking about, fatass?\nCartman: Oh, no big deal. I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members, and they all think that I'm sure mature they want me to be their new poster child is all. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] It looks like I'm finally gonna have mature friends who I can relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! [turns and walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, Kenny in his normal outfit, but with a blond wig, approaches the counter.\nPharmacist: Can I help you, young lady?\nKenny: [wearing a blonde wig] (Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after abortion-)\nPharmacist: Oh, you want some morning-after abortion pills. Well, they're right over there. [points to them. Kenny looks]\nKenny: (Thanks.) [walks over and looks at them. He sees \"Morning After Abortion Pills,\" \"Baby - B- Gone,\" \"Get it outta me! (has an unknown, real woman's face pictured)\" \"Fetus Flusher\" \"Pregnant No More Super Size.\" He takes the \"Pregnant No More\" pills to the counter]\nPharmacist: Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission from your parents. [Kenny hands him a note that reads: I hereby give my daughter permission to abort her baby -Mother] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?\nKenny: (Cash.)\nScene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It consists of cocoa, vodka, ...and the entire bottle of \"Pregnant No More\" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops down, and heads for the living room\nScene Description: Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Carol is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug\nKenny: (Look, Mom. I made you something to drink.) [a rat climbs onto the sofa headrest; Stuart shoos it away]\nCarol: Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny. You made my favorite drink for me.\nKenny: (Yeah.) [presents the mug]\nCarol: But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, I can't drink.\nKenny: (What?)\nStuart: Well, I can still drink. [grabs the mug and starts chugging away]\nKenny: (No! Daddy!) [looks on as Stuart finishes the mug off]\nStuart: Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget all about my shattered balls. [seeing Kenny looking at him] What? Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you go make me another one of... of... [his stomach starts to churn, and he holds it] Who-o-oa.\nCarol: What's the matter?\nKenny: (Uh oh.)\nStuart: Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants! [rushes to the bathroom]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying \"CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER\" hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on the toilet, and starts crapping\nStuart: Oohhh, God! [farts and craps in pain] Oooh, my balls! [Kenny appears at the door. Stuart turns around and vomits into the toilet. He alternates between crapping and vomiting, farting all the while] Ooh, God [more alternating between pooping and vomiting as Kenny just stares]\nScene Description: Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer as he takes pictures.\nNAMBLA Member: Just a few more pictures, Eric. You make a perfect poster child.\nCartman: Thanks, dude. [poses in his beefcake swim pants for several shots before a curtain that says \"I LOVE NAMBLA\"]\nNAMBLA leader: [arrives with some other members] Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for you. We want to have a big dinner and dance honoring you as our new poster child.\nCartman: Really? Awesome![continues to pose in various ways as camera shutter sounds are heard]\nNAMBLA leader: Yes, and we you to um... invite all your young male friends. [the guys behind him start to drool]\nCartman: Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends who want to be mature, [looks back at the camera and mumbles] excluding Stan and Kyle, of course.\nNAMBLA leader: Great, hnn. You go invite your little friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.\nCartman: KIIICK ASS!\nScene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.\nCarol: [off-screen] Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your room so we can paint it for the baby. [Kenny hops off as one commercial ends. Another one draws his attention.]\nAnnouncer: [echo on] Hey, are you feeling down? You need some excitement. And North Park Funland has just opened its newest ride! The John Denver Experience! [the ride is demonstrated] You'll be Rocky Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME, INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.\nTwo Guys: [\"ACTUAL TESTIMONIAL\"] It was-\nGuy 1: [holds up right thumb] -fun.\nGuy 2: [holds up left thumb] -fun.\nAnnouncer: Note: people with heart conditions and expectant mothers should not ride the JOHN DENVER! Open now! Come on down!\nKenny: (Mom!) [walks away]\nScene Description: North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are in line to go on the John Denver Experience\nStuart: Are you sure you should be going on this thing?\nCarol: Oh, it's all right. [in a low voice] You know, I think maybe Kenny's been a little worried about the new baby. We have to show him that he's still our little boy. [the line moves forward. Kenny and his parents find seats in the first row. The ride itself is wrapped in the body of a small plane, with a wing serving as a ramp]\nOperator: [speaks into a muffled PA system] Folks, please keep your hands and arms inside the John Denver Experience at all times. There's no sense in trying to unloop at the latch at any time during the ride at the John Denver Experience. Have fun.\nStuart: What did he say? [the ride swings up smoothly, but at the top it swings into high gear, slamming into the platform during one swing, into a building during another swing, and back and forth this way a few times. Carol is enjoying it quite a bit. The ride ends with a slam into a large pool, where the plane rests upside down] ...John Denver Experience.\nScene Description: North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit. The McCormicks are the last ones out\nStuart: Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my nose!\nCarol: Come on, Stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom.\nStuart: Oh, I'm not gonna make it! I'm gonna be sick! [heads for the nearest trash can and vomits into it. A woman carrying her baby moves away. He grabs his stomach] Oh, my stomach! [pulls down his pants and poops in the trash can] Oh, my nose! [sneezes blood into the trash can] Gross! [vomits, poops, and sneezes, and this goes on for quite a while. Kenny simply slaps his hand to his head and rolls his eyes.]\nScene Description: South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the South Park Clinic\nCartman: Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see! My NAMBLA organization is having a very important benefit in my honor.\nKyle: They are?\nCartman: We're gonna have a big, mature party at this hotel, and I can invite all my mature friends that I want. And that means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!\nStan: [angry] We don't wanna go to some stupid adult meeting anyway!\nCartman: Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't go.\nKyle: We don't wanna go!\nCartman: You can't go.\nKyle: We don't WANNA go!\nCartman: No, you CAN'T go. [turns around and walks away] Hey, Clyde, Butters, check this out\nStan: Dude, maybe we do need to start being more mature.\nKyle: Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into that club, too.\nScene Description: Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor is there with a nurse and Stuart\nDr. Doctor: You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick. [sees Kenny sneaking a peek] It's alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle of life. [Kenny approaches and is covered in amniotic fluid as his mom's water bursts]\nKenny: (Eeww.)\nDr. Doctor: I can see its head!\nCarol: You can?\nDr. Doctor: Push, now. Push hard! [Carol holds onto Stuart's hand hard and pushes the baby out. The doctor shields his face] Oh my God. [the nurse screams in horror]\nCarol: What is it?? [the baby is shown; it is a mutant with long claws and a nasty disposition]\nDr. Doctor: [turns to run] It's ali- [the mutant baby decapitates Dr. Doctor, the nurse, and Kenny]\nStuart: Oh my God, it killed Kenny!\nCarol: Bad baby, bad!\nKenny: [sits up awake] (Huh. Huh??) [looks around and realizes he's awake] (That does it!) [jumps off, goes to the bathroom and gets a plunger. Then he leaves the restroom]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, living room. Carol is reading a book when Kenny enters with he plunger\nCarol: [lowers the book] Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'? [he lifts the plunger and aims it at her] Uh what are you doing, Kenny? [he fixes his gaze on her] Kenny, what are you going to plunge?\nKenny: [rushes at her with the plunger] (AAAARRRRHHH!)\nCarol: Aaaaaaah! [jumps off the sofa and runs away] AAAAA! [Stuart arrives as Kenny pursues his mom]\nStuart: Kenny, what the hell are you doing?! [follows them out]\nScene Description: South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks at a large sign that says \"I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER\" and has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center. Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys, and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.\nCartman: [sees them] What the hell? [hops off his chair and walks towards them] Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?! This is for mature people only!\nStan: We got invited too, fatass!\nCartman: Hunh. [rolls his eyes] Well, I guess nowadays, they allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.\nNAMBLA Leader: [now at the podium, a little giddy] Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great to see you all here. It seems like we have finally found a city that won't oppress us.\nNAMBLA Membe: Oh, yeah. [others cheer]\nNAMBLA Leader: First and foremost, I wanna recognize Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch with all of you pretty, young boys.\nCartman: [graciously, amid some applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. [takes a bow] Thank you.\nNAMBLA Leader: Now, I know that many of us have already found partners in this fahine city, and I'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members.\nStan: This is boring.\nKyle: Yeah. [yells] HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO SOME ACTION, HUH?\nMember 1: Ho hohohoho\nMember 2: Woohoohoohoohoo. [others react similarly, lustily]\nNAMBLA Leader: [barely containing his glee] Ho, goodness! What a gift from God! Aha ha, we'll... \"get\" ...to it very soon, I assure you. But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress. Uh yes, Patrick.\nPatrick: Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old named Buttehers. He's a beautiful [Butters lights up], bright, little boy.\nButters: Well, uh I sure am, I guess.\nPatrick: And his skin is as soft as fresh linen. [the other men savor the statement]\nStan: [to Kyle] That seems kind of... weird.\nButters: Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft, I suppose.\nNAMBLA Leader: Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you, Mr. Harris?\nMr. Harris: [with a stammer] Well, I want to announce that I may have found the dream boy of the decade. He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. His name is Timmy.\nTimmy: TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?\nNAMBLA Leader: Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager to get acquainted with our new partners and, so why don't we turn down the lights and start to dance! [the DJ starts the music again, and the boys and their partners take the dance floor. Stan and Kyle stay in their seats, as do Cartman and his partner.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. The main doors are closed as the FBI shows up in force.\nLead Agent: Alright, I want those perverted bastards all taken in. Got it?\nAgents: Got it!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. Inside, Mephesto holds court on the podium in front of a NAMBLA banner, but this NAMBLA is different...\nMephesto: [Kevin at his side] Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South Park representative- [the doors fly open and the FBI agents fill the room]\nLead Agent: [heading for Mephesto] Hold it right there!\nAgent 1: Freeze!\nAgent 2: Don't nobody move!\nMephesto: What's going on? [four rifles and a shotgun are pointed at him]\nLead Agent: Alright, sickos. Where are the children?! [the NAMBLA members look at each other confused]\nMephesto: What children?\nLead Agent: This... is... NAMBLA, right?\nMephesto: Yes.\nLead Agent: The North American Man/Boy Love Association?\nMephesto: [startled] What? No! [Points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes. [a shot of the members is shown, and many of them do look like Marlon Brando]\nBlond Agent: Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.\nMr. Garrison: Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place. [gets up and walks out]\nMephesto: Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA is actually in South Park?!\nLead Agent: You know of them?\nBlond Member: Know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to nambla.com!\nBrunet Member: Yeah, those perverted bastards!\nBlond Agent: Wow. You guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando.\nMephesto: Thank you. Now, let's go get those other NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any of South Park's children!\nMembers: Yeah! Yeah!\nBlack Member: And let's kick their asses for stealin' our domain name!\nMembers: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!\nScene Description: South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still dancing. The NAMBLA leader steps up to the podium\nNAMBLA Leader: [Cartman stands next to him] Alright, members, that's enough of that. [the music is stopped] It's time for all of us to retire to our respective rooms, and get to know our new young boys. [NAMBLA members rub their hands react lustily]\nMember 3: All right.\nMember 4: Alright.\nKyle: Dude. Being mature is boring!\nStan: Yeah.\nNAMBLA Leader: Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.\nScene Description: South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their respective rooms. After a few moments...\nThe Boys: Aaaaah! [all pour out into the hallway]\nStan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!\nKyle: I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here! [music resumes. All the boys turn and head for the stairs, only to see shadows moving up the wall, and they stop in their tracks]\nStan: Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide! [the boys run into room 1A. Mephesto shows up and leads the other look-alikes onto the hallway]\nMephesto: Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got to be here somewhere. Let's try this room. [they enter 2E. The FBI then arrives amid much commotion]\nLead Agent: Let's get those perverts! [the agents fan out and enter all rooms except 1A and 2E. A waiter heads for the stairs with a tray, but naked NAMBLA members pour out of their rooms and startle him. The tray flies off his hand]\nWaiter: Sacrebleu! [picks up the tray and heads back to the room he left. The NAMBLA members go into 1A]\nThe Boys: Whoa! [pour out of 1A and head down the hall to 2E. The door there opens and the Marlon Brandos peek out]\nThe Boys and The Brandos: Aaah! [the boys run to 1E, the Brandos go back into 2E, and the doors to both are shut]\nCarol: [enters the hallway from the stairs] Kenny, no! Leave me alone [heads into 1C]\nKenny: (Come here, mom! Let me get it!) [follows her in. The agents pour out of the rooms and switch places, again avoiding 1A and 2E. Stuart arrives and looks around]\nStuart: Kenny?? [enters 2C. The waiter again heads for the stairs with the tray]\nWaiter: Zis time, I will not drop zeh food. [makes it to the top of the stairs, but drops the tray when the NAMBLA members exit 1A] Allo!\nNAMBLA Leader: It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's the boys?! [the NAMBLA members enter 2A]\nWaiter: [picks up the tray and goes back down the hall, angrily] Sacre bleu! [the door to 2E opens and the Marlon Brandos step out]\nMephesto: I think the boys went in here. [the Brandos enter 1E]\nThe Boys: [all exit 1E] Aaaaaah!\nTimmy: Timmih! [all enter 2D. A poodle on a ball exits 1C and enters 2D. The NAMBLA members exit 2A and head for 1C]\nNAMBLA Leader: Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys? [the NAMBLA members enter 1C. Kenny's mom and Kenny exit 1C]\nCarol: Kenny, GIVE IT UP!\nKenny: (Come on!) [both enter 2C. The waiter heads for the stairs again with the tray, but Marlon Brandos and FBI agents pour out of 1E]\nWaiter: [falls backwards] Waaah!\nLead Agent: Alright, you're under arrest!\nMephesto: No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!\nLead Agent: Damnit!\nAgent: Hey, we didn't try that room! [Brandos and agents head for 2A and enter. Two guys in vintage bikes ride across from 2D to 1D]\nWaiter: [exasperated, gets up with the tray] Sacre bleu. [walks away, having given up on the stairs]\nScene Description: South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired\nKyle: [panting] Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.\nCartman: They're all over the place.\nTimmy: Timmiihhh!\nToken: [Token joins the group] What are we gonna do?!\nStan: Well, Cartman, you got everybody into this, you have to figure out a way to get everybody out.\nThe Boys: Yeah.\nCartman: Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how to get us out.\nKyle: How?\nCartman: Well, look. Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna have to go out there and... take one for the team. [the other boys are shocked at the thought] And I think, in all fairness, it should be Butters. [presents him]\nButters: Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?\nCartman: Now, are you a team player or not?!\nButters: Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh, I guess.\nCartman: Well, Butters, there is no I in \"team.\"\nButters: Huh-you mean to expect me to go out there and let all those... huhu-horny old men... have their way with my fragile person?? Well just what team is this anyway?!\nCartman: Just go, Butters. We're running out of time.\nButters: Well uuh-uuh-alright then. [heads for the door. Stan sees him out and Cartman closes the door]\nCartman: Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.\nScene Description: South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone\nButters: Well, alright men. Here, here I come. [puts his hands over his eyes and moves across the hall] I'm ready to take one for the team. [enters 1D.]\nStuart: [exits 2D] Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your shenanigans! [enters 1E]\nNAMBLA Leader: [inside 1E] Oh, one of the boys just came in. [the members surround him and being their activity...]\nStuart: What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH! [Butters steps out of 1D, listens in at the door to 1E, turns around and walks away.]\nScene Description: South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on a stretcher\nCarol: [voice shaking, approaches] Are you alright, Stuart?\nStuart: [sobbing] Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, have been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men-I just wanna go home and take a, a hot bath! [the NAMBLA members are in cuffs]\nLead Agent: [to NAMBLA Leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?\nNAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Our forefathers came to this country because... they believed in an idea. An idea called \"freedom.\" They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look at each other] You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]\nKyle: Dude. You have sex with children.\nNAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away. [shots of the agents, then the Brando look-alikes, then Stan and Kyle, who look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]\nKyle: [slowly, for emphasis] Dude. You have sex with children.\nStan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.\nKyle: Seriously.\nLead Agent: Alright, that's enough. You're all going to be put away for a long time. [The agents escort the NAMBLA members away. The members groan. The boys gather around Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]\nKyle: Well, Cartman?\nCartman: Well, what?\nKyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?\nThe Boys: Yeah!\nCartman: Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.\nStan: And now, do you still think that you need to hang out with older, mature friends?\nCartman: No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long. [the paramedics finish putting Stuart into the ambulance and head for the cab]\nParamedic: Okay, let's roll. [the siren goes on. The ambulance goes into reverse and crushes Kenny under its rear wheels, then speeds off]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Carol has a new baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her\nNurse: [voice-over] Dr. Flores, dial 18-\nStuart: Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.\nCarol: Our little angel, yes.\nStuart: Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been hard on both of us losing poor Kenny. But this new baby kind of reminds me of him. [a shot of the baby reveals a boy in a little orange parka with the hood tight on his face, like Kenny before him]\nCarol: What should we name him?\nStuart: Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away, maybe we should name him ah,... Kenny.\nCarol: Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little Kenny, a brand-new Kenny. (The new Kenny then mumbles)\nStuart: God, this must be the fiftieth time this has happened.\nCarol: Fifty-second."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. But this day, a substitute teacher enters with a bag of stuff and makes an announcement.\nMr. Wyland: Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison is away today. I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland. [writes it on the chalkboard. A shot of the class reveals Kyle missing]\nCartman: [in a low voice] Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher.\nMr. Wyland: Now, I understand that some students in this class like to mess with substitute teachers. [Cartman points at Craig] But if we all behave and respect each other, I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. Let's start with roll call. Let's see, mmmmm. [runs his finger down the list] Eric Cartman?\nStan: [raises his hand] Here! [he, Kenny, and Cartman laugh heartily]\nMr. Wyland: Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?\nKenny: [raises his hand] (Here.) [he, Stan, and Cartman laugh heartily]\nWendy: It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus.\nMr. Wyland: Okay, and where iiiiss... Kenny McCormick?\nCartman: [raises his hand] Here. [he, Stan, and Kenny laugh heartily. A few seconds later his nose bleeds a white liquid all over his desk] Oh, hoho. Ow.\nStan: Dude, what the hell was that?\nCartman: Oh, huh. Oh, geez, you know, when you're laughin' so hard that the milk comes out your nose? Uh ho ho, man!\nStan: ...Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.\nCartman: Huh?\nStan: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.\nCartman: Not with me, man.\nMr. Wyland: Alright. Look, why don't we skip roll call? Here's what we're gonna do today. [reaches into the bag and pulls out some glue and glitter] I've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days - Kyle Broflovski?\nStan: [drawn out] He's fakin'!\nMr. Wyland: Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence, our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle. So I got this large piece of poster board, and we're all gonna come up and use glitter.and glue to decorate it.\nThe Class: Awww. [the kids leave their seats and head for the front of the class. Cartman remains in his seat]\nCartman: [drawn out] He's fakin'! [the other kids get busy decorating the card]\nMr. Wyland: Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card, too.\nCartman: But I don't want Kyle to get well. I hate Kyle.\nMr. Wyland: I don't care! Get down here and do it!\nButters: Hey, watch it! [Mr. Wyland looks down at the group] Hey, what are you doin'? [the kids back away to reveal Butters decorated, not the poster board. A sign hangs on him saying \"Get Well Kyle\"]\nStan: Now, that's a get-well card! [the others laugh. Cartman soon joins them, but his nose begins to leak that white liquid again. He covers his nostrils and continues laughing]\nScene Description: Denver, day. The Denver School Administration building is shown. Inside, the South Park School Board is meeting. Principal Victoria is present among the three people seated around a horseshoe-shaped table.\nChairman: Mr. Garrison, after very careful review the school board believes that you should take a... hiatus from teaching. Indefinitely.\nMr. Garrison: What??\nBoard Member: Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting. [a look of disbelief comes across Mr. Garrison's face]\nChairman: Did you know that not one of your students knew who Sam Adams was?\nMr. Garrison: Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer?! Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach history!\nChairman: ...Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most concerned about. [reviews a sheet of paper] It's your somewhat substantial police record.\nMr. Garrison: [stomps his foot down] Oh, whatever!\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of attempting to solicit sex from a minor wa-\nMr. Garrison: That was not me, that was Mr. Hat! [points to his puppet]\nBoard Member: All we're saying is, perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching until this little [does quotes with two fingers on each hand] \"child molestation\" thing dies down a bit.\nMr. Garrison: [rises from his chair] Gentlemen, teaching is all I know. It is the air that I breathe.\nChairman: We're sorry, Mr. Garrison, we have no choice.\nMr. Garrison: [crestfallen] Very well. I guess... I'm not a teacher anymore. [approaches the chairman] I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun... [pulls them out and sets them on the table]\nChairman: Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, sorry. So I can keep it then? [grabs back his revolver]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. He's in bed delirious and mumbling. His door opens and in walks Sheila with Sharon and Stan.\nSheila: Kyle, Stan and his mother came over to visit you.\nSharon: Hello, sweetie. [Stan walks over to Kyle's bed]\nStan: Dude, you can stop faking now. We got a substitute teacher. [Kyle mumbles once more] Kyle?\nSheila: They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys have just been shutting down.\nSharon: Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle. Look. [Butters walks into the room still decorated from head to toe in glitter and glue, and he carries the sign in his right hand]\nStan: Go on, Butters!\nButters: Ho, I don't wanna!\nStan: Butters, go on!\nButters: Oh, uhuh alright, then. [starts to sing] We're so sorry you're not feeling well We hope you're better soon. So we're bringing you some sunshine By, um, singing you this tune: [brings out a cane and dances] Everybody misses you And though we hate to cause a fuss We'd like to say, \"Get well soon!\" And \"Please don't die on us.\" [pulls a rip cord and a bunch of balloons inflate automatically around him. Kyle babbles some more]\nStan: Dude, you really are sick, huh?\nKyle: I don't know, I...\nSheila: I don't know what to do, Sharon. They wanna have him go into surgery, but they're so dangerous.\nSharon: Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? They work wonders. I read all about in People.\nSheila: Really? In People?\nSharon: There's a brand-new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods. It's run by this fascinating woman named \"Miss Information.\"\nSheila: Oh, well, with a name like \"Miss Information\" she must know something.\nSharon: Why don't we at least take Kyle down there and see what she has to say.\nSheila: Okay. I'll get our coats. [turns and walks out the door. Kyle babbles some more]\nButters: Can I go now?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Craig waits outside on a bench.\nMr. Garrison: [lying down on a couch] I don't know what I'm goin' tuh do, Mackey. Teaching is all I know.\nMr. Mackey: [in a armchair] Okay, well, maybe you need to view this as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do.\nMr. Garrison: I've always wanted to write a novel.\nMr. Mackey: Well, there you go, m'kay?\nMr. Garrison: But I never know what to write about.\nMr. Mackey: Well that's easy. Write about what you know. Write about what you love. What do you love most?\nMr. Garrison: Besides teaching?\nMr. Mackey: Yes.\nMr. Garrison: ...Poontang.\nMr. Mackey: M, m'kay\nMr. Garrison: I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know, but I just think that... taking a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world.\nMr. Mackey: Well that settles it, Mr. Garrison. What you need to do is go write a great romance novel.\nMr. Garrison: Yes, that's it. [sits up brightly] I am going to write the Great American Romance Novel!\nScene Description: Miss Information's New Age Shop. The sign is framed by two antlers and its entrance is a curtain of beads. In the picture window you see a pyramid with an eye on one side, a crystal ball and stand, a little elephant, and some charms. Outside, under the window, is a bed of flowers. Inside, Miss Information talks to Stan, Kyle, and their moms. Kyle looks fatigued\nMiss Information: You see, the reason our body is stale is because of toxins.\nSheila: Toxins?\nMiss Information: All the horrible food we eat-the sodas and meats are filled with toxins, and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system. Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up, but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice and cayenne pepper.\nSharon: Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information!\nSheila: You hear that, Kyle? You don't need surgery after all. [Kyle coughs]\nStan: Uh excuse me, but, what do these toxins look like?\nMiss Information: What?\nStan: Wuh, have you ever actually seen a toxin?\nSharon: Don't be a smartass, Stanley.\nMiss Information: Mrs. Broflovski, I would like to give your son herbs that focus on the kidney. I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans.\nSharon: Ooo, Native Americans. Now, they know how to heal the body spiritually. [Kyle begins to babble]\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, night. A second-story window casts a shadow of Mr. Garrison at his laptop computer. He types and we hear the words as he says them in his mind...\nMr. Garrison: Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breasts Oh yeah, now this is getting good [sips some wine] Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard. [taps his chin with his left index finger. The computer screen is shown as the words are typed] His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat slowly ran down his [pauses] penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipples [music cuts off. He thinks] Uh, let's see... [taps his chin with his right index finger] Diana's nipples...[The words on the screen are shown halted at 'nipples'] [aloud] Oh, writer's block, writer's block! Hmmm. Crap! I'm stuck. [turns his body to one side] Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today, Mr. Hat.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, morning. At Kyle's bedside, Sharon, Sheila, and Liane talk to each other while Stan keeps vigil. Three other mothers are there\nMrs. Tweak: Oh my, he looks terrible.\nBlonde Mother: Yes, poor little dear.\nMiss Information: [arrives] Good morning, everyone.\nBlonde Mother: [walks up to her and brings her in] Oh, thanks for coming, Miss. Information. Kyle seems to be getting worse. [Miss Information walks to Kyle's bed as Stan watches. She raises her arms and waves them over Kyle's body]\nMiss Information: Huuuuuuuuuh [lowers her arms] Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better.\nSheila: Really?\nStan: What?\nMiss Information: Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday, and his aura is lighter.\nSharon: Oh, that's great news! [Kyle barfs and Stan steps out of the way]\nSheila: Oh no!\nMiss Information: Nono, that's good. Those are the toxins flushing out of the system.\nSharon: Ooooo.\nStan: Those aren't toxins. That's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.\nSharon: Stanley, what did I say about being a smartass?!\nStan: Don't be a smartass?\nMiss Information: Now, don't be fooled. As Kyle's body sheds itself more and more of all the toxins he will appear to be getting worse, but actually, he is getting better!\nSheila: Wow. Well, I am on natural medicines. If only I had known sooner.\nOther mothers: [ad lib] I agree. Yeah. That's right. [Stan looks defeated]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Doctor is in his office filling out a form\nNurse: [over an intercom] Mr. Marsh is here to see you.\nDr. Doctor: Alright, send him in. [from his desk, golf balls, a cup, and a set of golf clubs can be seen. Stan enters] Oh, Stanley.\nStan: Hi, doctor. [takes a seat]\nDr. Doctor: How can I help you?\nStan: Well, it's my friend, Kyle. I think he's really, really sick.\nDr. Doctor: He is really, really sick, Stanley. I was seeing him last week when he first got ill, but unfortunately his mother has decided to put all her trust into holistic medicine.\nStan: But I don't think it's working.\nDr. Doctor: Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very honest with you. Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant. Or it is very possible that... he will die.\nStan: [overwhelmed] Die? But... Kyle's my best friend. In the whole world.\nDr. Doctor: I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age, but... the rest of the town is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that I have nowhere else to turn.\nStan: ...I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if it hurts a whole lot; I don't care.\nDr. Doctor: That's very brave, Stan, but I've already checked my records, and you and Kyle aren't a match for kidneys. In fact, [looks at a sheet of paper] there's only one person in South Park with the same blood type as Kyle.\nStan: Who? [Dr. Doctor turns the sheet around, and Cartman's picture is on it. A close-up reveals that Cartman has AB-negative blood] Oh, shit.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman and Kenny are playing at dogfights in the air, and Kenny makes sound effects while maneuvering a yellow ship\nKenny: (Rrrrooowwwrrr, rroowwrr, pew, pew, POW.) [crashes the ship into a soldier]\nCartman: \"Coming in for attack, Captain.\" Pipew, pipipew [grabs for the yellow ship] Give me the space cruiser, Kenny.\nKenny: (No, no.)\nCartman: Come on, Kenny, you have to give me the subspace cruiser [pulls the cruiser his way] so I can destroy the Gengrins on Crespus 5.\nKenny: [gets up as Cartman speaks] (Unngh. Stop, no! No, it's mine!) [pulls the cruiser back] (There! It's mine!) [the doorbell rings and the two boys tug at the ship in opposite directions]\nCartman: No, mine. M'yah! [the ship breaks in two, with Kenny getting the short end] Ha haa ha! I broke your space cruiser, Kenny! Ha haa, ha ha ha [his nose spurts out white fluid again] bluh oh, ha-ow! [blocks his nostrils]\nLiane: [walks up] Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard again?\nCartman: Yeah.\nLiane: Well, some more of your little friends are here to play with you. [Stan enters with a sick Kyle in his arms]\nCartman: Okay, mom.\nLiane: [genuflects and speaks softly to Cartman] And don't get too close to Kyle. He looks like he might have the AIDS. [Stan leaves Kyle and walks up to Cartman]\nCartman: What's goin' on, guys?\nStan: Cartman, we have to ask you a question. A very serious question.\nCartman: Oh-kay.\nStan: Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see him getting worse right before my eyes. There might be a way that you... can save his life.\nCartman: Uh huh.\nStan: What Kyle really needs... is a new kidney.\nCartman: Oh, I think I see where this is going. [Kyle moans]\nStan: His mom is trying all this Eastern medicine and New Age bullcrap on him, but it's obviously not working.\nCartman: Stan, why don't you just ask the question?\nStan: Alright. Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?\nCartman: [sings and dances] No no, no no, no! No no, no no, no!\nStan: But you only need one, fat boy!\nCartman: 'No no, no no, nono no!Nonono, no no!\nStan: Dude, one of your friends is goin' tuh die! Don't you see how serious this is?!\nKenny: [miffed] (It's not that's fucking serious.) [Kyle coughs twice]\nCartman: Well, perhaps I could see my way to giving up a kidney. For a price.\nStan: Oh my God!\nKyle: How much?\nCartman: I don't know. How much is your life worth to you, Kyle?\nStan: Cartman, you are so going to hell when you die!\nCartman: Yes, well, until then, I need about ten million dollars.\nKenny: (Ten million dollars??)\nStan: What the hell would you do with ten million dollars, fatass?!\nCartman: What I intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it? I suggest you start looking for that money quickly. Kyle doesn't seem to have much time. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.\nStan: Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here. [they walk away]\nCartman: Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah. [they return to the floor to continue play] \"Quick, Captain, we must destroy the Gengrin across the fire.\" Give me the space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!\nScene Description: Miss Information's shop, next day. A line of folks wait to enter the shop while a few shoppers exit with their purchases. Inside, the shop is busy.\nMan 1: Oooh, free-range aspirin!\nMan 2: All-natural cell phones! [Two stoners, who appear to be Richard 'Cheech' Marin and Tommy Chong, appear at the door with boxes of stuff]\nMiss Information: Oh, look everyone. These are our two resident Native Americans. Chief Running Pinto, and Carlos Ramirez. [shoppers gather around the men]\nMan 3: [amid the chatter] Ooo.\nMan 4: I'd like to buy some more stuff.\nMan 5: Come in. Come here, guys.\nMan 6: Do you have any new holistic items for sale?\nCarlos Ramirez: Oohh, oh yeah. Aah... [holds up a decorated clothes hanger] Here, uh, this is a- uhh, dream...catcher.\nWoman 1: Oh, a dreamcatcher. I'll buy one. [other women start ordering them]\nChief Running Pinto: [holds up an item] Yeah. And these here are Cherokee hair tampons. They're, like, tampons made with all-natural hair from the Cherokee people.\nSharon: Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair-now that sounds natural.\nMiss Information: Native Americans are more in tune with the earth than we are.\nChief Running Pinto: Oh yeah. We love the earth, man.\nCarlos Ramirez: Oh yeah, the earth is great.\nMiss Information: [walks up to Sheila] Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick. Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow and you could give him some spiritual healing.\nChief Running Pinto: Oh, sure. We could do that, man. We'll give him, like, a, a brain enema, or somethin'.\nCarlos Ramirez: [laughs] uh'hm, ho ho hm.\nSheila: Wonderful!\nMiss Information: [takes Sheila along] Why don't you follow me over to the cash register and I'll take a deposit. [the other shoppers crowd the two men]\nMan 7: D'you have anymore stuff to sell? We wanna buy more stuff.\nMan 8: Yes. Much, much more stuff.\nChief Running Pinto: Sure, uh, we just gotta go back to our truck- I'm, I mean our horses and grab some more junk. [Ramirez starts to laugh] Come on. [turns to leave]\nMiss Information: Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit of Maya is with you.\nCarlos Ramirez: Oh yah. You too and junk. [they head out the door and away]\nChief Running Pinto: [off-screen] That's funny, man. [Stan walks in]\nSharon: Oh hi, Stanley. Look, I'm buying you some more all-natural toothpaste.\nStan: You mean the stuff that tastes like ass and doesn't fight cavities?\nSharon: That's right.\nStan: Look, um... I know that you all think the earth and its natural healing powers can cure Kyle, but... the doctor at the hospital told me it can't.\nMiss Information: Well, of course the doctor told you that, because he wants to make money. Holistic medicine is about NATURE. [to Sheila] Two-hundred and thirty-three dollars. [Sheila pays, and Miss Information rings it up]\nSheila: Everything's going to be fine, Stan. We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally.\nStan: Isn't it possible that these Indians don't know what they're talking about?\nSharon: You watch your mouth, Stanley! The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources by white people like us!\nStan: And that has something to do with their medicines because...?\nSharon: Enough, Stanley!\nScene Description: Miss Information's shop, curbside. Kenny is sitting there. Stan exits the store, walks over to him, and sits down next to him. Somber music plays\nStan: Nobody wants to listen, Kenny.\nKenny: (I know.)\nStan: I don't know what else to do. I mean, he could die, Kenny. And that means we'd never see him again.\nKenny: (Uh huh.)\nStan: I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted, like they'd always be there. If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do. [Kenny gets mad, Stan gets resolute] Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die. Kenny, go round up all the kids in town who want to help Kyle! Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's gonna live! [walks away]\nKenny: (Rrrh!)\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's back at his laptop. He's typing with only his left hand now, while Mr. Hat sits on his right hand\nMr. Garrison: [We hear Mr Garrison's thoughts] Chapter 18. Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [out loud]Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. [Words on the computer screen are seen typed] \"Go on\", Rebecca said softly, \"Touch me.\" Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips... It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. [unconsciously, his right hand (Mr Hat hand) lowers down towards his crotch and is soon out of view, but the arm moves around some...] They presented themselves tall and mighty all around her, with... [catches himself masturbating] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?! [looks around to see that no one is watching, then happily] Oh, Mr. Hat!\nScene Description: Bus stop, night. Stan waits with a book under his arm.\nStan: [checks his watch] Come on, where are they? [looks around. Three boys approach from his left: Kenny, Butters, and Timmy]\nStan: This is it??\nKenny: (Uh huh)\nTimmy: Timmiiihh!\nStan: This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle??\nButters: Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but he, he said his mom was makin' tacos for dinner and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot.\nStan: [quite disappointed] Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters, you take this medical book, and everyone follow me!\nButters: Huh, where are we goin'?\nStan: We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney. [the others look are shocked]\nScene Description: Switch to live action. Daytime in a middle class American backyard. A dyed sandy haired, middle-aged, white woman speaks with her sandy haired daughter while seated on the patio lounge.\nMother: [Smiling, empty-headed into the distance]\nDaughter: [hesitantly] Mom... Do you ever have those heavy flow days?\nMother: [Places her hand comfortingly on her daughter's thigh] Oh absolutely sweetheart, everybody does.\nDaughter: [Camera zooms in on her face] Mom, remember the movie The Shining where the elevator doors are opening up..\nMother: [Camera switches to close-up on mother's face] Oh honey what you need is a more absorbent tampon. [grabs her daughter's hand and shakes hands in emphasis]\nDaughter: [Camera zooms back out] Like what?\nMother: Well, what's the most absorbent thing in the world?\nDaughter: [Looks down, plays with her hair and mulls it over] Well... Cherokee hair I guess. [Camera zooms back on her face] But what does that have to do with me?\nMother: [Camera zooms out and mother grabs a box] Because now there is all new, natural [Camera zooms in on mother who fakes a broad smile and holds a purple box of 'All Natural Cherokee Hair Tampons' with a Native woman that looks like the Land O' Lakes butter symbol] Cherokee hair tampons. [Broadens her fake smile].\nScene Description: Live action continues. Petri dish, on a table, with tampon is shown in front of tampon box while a light brown hand pours dyed blue water over the tampon. The tampon swells quickly.\nFemale announcer: [Speaking like an authority] A cotton tampon can hold only so much liquid. [Scene slides over to another petri dish with tampon in front of box where the hand pours blue liquid on that tampon that swells more slowly] Other tampons also come up short. [Scene slides right again to a Cherokee woman laying on the table with her hair spread flat along the table] But Cherokee hair has been known for ages to be strong and powerful [The hand pours dyed blue water along the Cherokee woman's splayed hair, which doesn't absorb any of it, while the woman looks up at her hair] Each tampon is hand woven [A white woman's manicured hand holds up a hair 'tampon' bundle up with cross-hatched orange yarn, bead wrapped center and a white pull string for extraction] from over 200 strands of Cherokee hair and then bound together with these decorative native beads.\nScene Description: Live action continues. Front yard of suburban home. Daughter runs up to mother who is trimming the roses.\nDaughter: You were right mom! All natural Cherokee hair tampons really did the trick. [Mother smiles back fakely and continues working]\nMother: And when you're done using them [She holds up Cherokee tampon] they make a great toy for Jessie. [Mother and daughter smile broad, fake smiles] Go get it boy! [Mother tosses Cherokee tampon off camera]\nJessie: [Tampon flies into the grass where Jessie, the white terrier grabs it and shakes it] Grrr... grrrr\nChief Running Pinto (Tommy Chong in his stoner voice): [Camera shows mother and daughter smiling huge, fake smiles with their arms about each other peering into each other's face with the text 'Cherokee Hair Tampons' on the screen below. Mother mouths 'I love you'] Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people, like, change the way you think about tampons.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is asleep in his bed... tossing and turning\nCartman: No! NO! Hip- hippies all around me. Help! Mommy! Huhuhippies!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, outside. Stan and the others approach, and Stan looks in the lower window. Stan now has a hand saw on his right hand\nStan: [softly] Okay, it's clear. [slowly opens the front door] Okay. Me and Butters are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney out of him. Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door here with Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmiihh!\nStan: Sshhh!\nTimmy: [whispering] Timmiihh.\nStan: If she hears him screaming, or comes out or anything, just... stall her. Alright?\nKenny: (Okay)\nTimmy: [softly] Timmiihh.\nStan: Alright Butters, let's go. [they walk away and up the stairs, then down the hall, but Stan stops in his tracks] Uh-oh, Cartman's pig. [Fluffy is seen sleeping in her own little bed. Stan and Butters try to sneak past, but she opens her eyes] Sshh, good pig. Good pig. Goood pig. Sshh. Okay. [Butters accidentally steps on Fluffy's tail and she squeals in panic. This wakes Cartman, who blinks and heads for his door half-asleep] Come on, we gotta get outta here! [runs a bit, then has his back to the wall as Cartman opens the door and walks out] Oh, no!\nButters: Oh well, we're busted. [Cartman continues towards Fluffy, Ignoring the boys]\nCartman: [smacks her] Shut up, Fluffy! [she quiets down and Cartman goes back to sleep, closing his door.]\nStan: Oh, phew.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. Cartman's nightmare returns\nCartman: Hippies. Hi-i-ippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad. He-elp! [Stan rises from the other side of the bed with the medical book, and Butters rises, too]\nStan: Okay, here we go. [opens the book and leafs through. Pictures of the heart, fingers, liver, and cutaway of the male genitalia are shown. Stan giggles softly and turns the page to a picture of the kidney] Okay, let's see. Looks like if we cut here, and here...\nButters: I hope it's not too bloody; I'm wearin' my favorite pants.\nStan: ...vein right, well- [brings out the saw] Well, here goes nothing. Help me pull his pajamas up. [Butters pulls the sheets, Stan the shirt, and something more is in their way] No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!\nCartman: [rises quickly] whatwhatwhatwhat? [sees Stan and Butters] Oh, it's Stan and Butters! Trying to take my kidney, are you?!\nStan: You suck, Cartman!\nCartman: [faces them] Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!\nStan: God-dammit, don't you care that Kyle is gonna die?!\nCartman: I do! I do care! Look how much. [a blank expression is on his face] Look. Look how much I care. [the expressionless face persists]\nScene Description: Harequin Romance Book Publishing CO. Mr. Garrison has finished his novel and is now inside talking to a publisher\nPublisher: First and foremost, Mr. Garrison, I would like to thank you for choosing Harequin Romance.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, did you read the book?\nPublisher: Uh yes, Mr. Garrison, we did read your book. [taps on it a few times]\nMr. Garrison: Well, what did you think?\nPublisher: Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, n-we don't know if the Harequin Romance label is appropriate for you.\nMr. Garrison: Ooohhh, why not?\nPublisher: Mr. Garrison, uh... are you aware that the word \"penis\" occurs six-thousand and eighty-three times in your novel?\nMr. Garrison: Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words. It is a romance novel.\nPublisher: Nnnno, I don't think that this book really qualifies as a \"romance novel.\"\nMr. Garrison: No?\nPublisher: [clears his throat] No. No, this is what we in the book-publishing business like to call... gay. Really, really gay.\nMr. Garrison: What the hell are you talkin' about?!\nPublisher: It's just that the focus really seems to be on the... male organs.\nMr. Garrison: Well, I thought it was mostly women that read these things!\nPublisher: It is.\nMr. Garrison: Well, women want to read about ding-dongs! D'you think women care about the details of female anatomy?! Hell no! Women wanna read about big, powerful schlongs! [the publisher has no answer] Look, I've seen women read these things. They skim along and skim along until they get to the part about the penis! That's what they want, so that's what I'm giving them!\nPublisher: [taps his chin] Hmmm.\nScene Description: South Park, next day. Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front of \"South Park Pianos\"\nStan: [despondent, voice cracking] There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!\nKenny: (You never seem to care when I die!)\nStan: [sobs] My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it. [begins to break down] Oh, God, he's my best friend... [weeps]\nKenny: [stands up] (Well now, that does it! I have had enough of this bullshit! Screw you, Stan. I'm going home!) [walks away. Above him, a man is hauling a piano, but realizes the ropes are tearing]\nMover: Look out! [the piano snaps from the ropes and crushes Kenny] Oops.\nStan: Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again! [weeps]\nScene Description: South Park, Miss Information's shop, day. More people line up to buy holistic stuff. Inside, Carlos Ramirez and Chief Running Pinto field orders.\nMrs.Tucker: Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please.\nChief Running Pinto: [hands them to her] No problem, man. Pay Miss Information up front. [she walks away with the tampons and Carlos glances at her ass]\nMan 7: Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1.\nCarlos Ramirez: Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is allll-naturalll ball juice. [the man takes it and drinks. Carlos and Chief Pinto chortle]\nMan 7: Wow, I feel better already! [walks away. Carlos and Chief Pinto laugh some more.]\nMiss Information: [joining the two men] And next we have Mrs. Broflovski's son. [Sheila drags Kyle in by his jacket collar]\nSheila: [let's him drop to the floor] Okay, here he is.\nChief Running Pinto: Ahahem, that kid looks really sick.\nMiss Information: Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed again.\nChief Running Pinto: No. I mean, he looks REALLY sick, man. You should take him to, like, a doctor.\nCustomers: [look at each other] Hmm?\nSheila: But you're more in touch with the earth.\nChief Running Pinto: Look, bein' in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dyin', man.\nSharon: It's okay. We trust that you know what you're doing. [Carlos and Chief Pinto look at each other. Kyle groans]\nCarlos Ramirez: No, man, that kid needs a doctor! And besides, we're not actually Native Americans. I mean, I'm- I'm more like a- a Mexican.\nCustomers: What?!\nMan: Hu-uh?!\nCarlos Ramirez: Yeah. A Mexican.\nMan 7: Uugh. [spits out the ball juice] Ptu, ptu.\nMan 8: I didn't know that.\nGerald: Oh my God! [Mrs.Tucker, who had purchased the 48 tampons screams in horror and covers her crotch area]\nSharon: How dare you deceive us like that!\nChief Running Pinto: Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, man. Miss Information said that.\nCarlos Ramirez: Yeah. She said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans. [the customers blink in anger, then gather around Miss Information]\nMiss Information: Uh, toxins are your enemy. [the customers enclose her]\nWoman 1: Kill her! [the pummeling begins. Carlos and Chief Pinto just laugh at the sight]\nCarlos Ramirez: Funny.\nScene Description: South Park, Miss Information's shop, later. Stan, Sheila, and Kyle are still there\nStan: So NOW can we take Kyle to the hospital?\nSheila: Yes, of course, but we don't have a kidney donor!\nStan: That's alright. If you'll all help, I think I have a plan.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows, and Cartman's radio sounds the alarm. Cartman rises on his bed and stretches\nCartman: Oohh, morning, hum, hmyeah. HWAA! [jumps back. His Kidney Blocker 2000 lies at the foot of his bed over streaks of blood] That son of a bitch!\nScene Description: Stan's house, moments later. Cartman approaches and pounds on the door. Stan quickly opens it.\nCartman: [fuming] Okay, asshole! Give me back my kidney!\nStan: Dude, please. Kyle needs it.\nCartman: It's MINE! Not yours, MINE! Give it back right now, or there's gonna be HELL to pay!\nStan: Alright, alright, here. [hands him a bloody kidney. Cartman reviews it.]\nCartman: Thank you. And you'd better hope to God it still works, just like it did before.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, sometime later. Dr. Doctor is in his office.\nNurse: [over an intercom] Doctor, Eric Cartman is here- [Cartman enters unbid before she finishes speaking]\nDr. Doctor: Why, hello there, Eric. [Cartman stands on the chair and slaps the kidney down on the desk. The doctor looks on]\nCartman: You see that?! That's MINE! My asshole friend Stan took my kidney, and I need it put back in! [sits] Please.\nDr. Doctor: Oh, I see. [holds the kidney up] Are you sure that now that it's already out, you don't wanna just let your friend Kyle have it?\nCartman: No. Because. It doesn't belong to Kyle, it belongs to me! It's MINE!\nDr. Doctor: Well, alright then. We'll get you prepped for surgery. [puts the kidney down and holds up a clipboard] If you'll just sign this release. [sets it in front of Cartman]\nCartman: Thank you. [signs the release form]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, still later. Cartman and Kyle are in the recovery room surrounded by their parents. Stan and his parents are there, too. Balloons, a smiley-face and two banners, \"I HOPE YOU GET BETTER!\" and \"GET WELL SOON\", decorate Kyle's side of the room\nSheila: How are you feeling, boubbie?\nKyle: Better, thanks.\nStan: You look a lot better.\nSharon: Yeah, it looks like Western medicine really did the trick.\nKyle: Hey, thanks for going through all that to save my life, Stan.\nStan: Dude, you're my best friend. I don't want you to die until I do.\nChief Running Pinto: Yeah. [to Cartman] Hey, man, we're glad you're getting better, too.\nCartman: [wakes up] Heh. Hey, what what's going on?\nStan: Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you!\nCartman: Huh?\nStan: It was all a trick. Your mom undid the kidney blocker, and then we put ketchup on your bed so you'd think we took your kidney.\nDr. Doctor: Yes, but it was all a trick to get you to come in and sign this release.\nLiane: Isn't that funny, sweetie?\nCartman: Aarrrrrr! I am SO PISSED OFF!\nMr. Garrison: [enters the room and walks to Kyle's bed] Oh, here's everybody. [in his hand is a book]\nStan: Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?\nMr. Garrison: Boys, I have an announcement to make: I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. I've become a best-selling author! And Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy as a get-well present. [hands the book to Kyle, who looks at it]\nKyle: Oh. ...Thanks?\nCartman: [livid] I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!!\nStan: Careful, Cartman, you might pop your stitches. [laughs a long time with Kyle]\nKyle: [white liquid spurts out his nose] Huh? [covers his nose] What the?\nCartman: Oh good, you got the crappy kidney."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Mayor's office, day. The mayor is at her desk, flanked by her assistants. Before her are Chef and Jimbo. The meeting starts\nMayor: Gentlemen, I understand you are here to present both sides of an issue. I wanna hear you both out and do this in a civil and constructive manner so that I can give you both the time and attention you deserve. Jimbo, why don't you begin?\nJimbo: Mayor, it's about the South Park flag.\nMayor: [instantly exasperated] Oh, Jesus Christ, not this again!\nJimbo: We cannot change the South Park flag, Mayor!\nChef: Mayor, as I've said before, I find that flag to be racist and insensitive!\nJimbo: Chef, I respect you very much, but you have to understand that this has been the South Park flag since some of our ancestors, like my great-grandfather, founded this land!\nChef: That flag represents a time when blacks were persecuted by whites! How can a black man not be bothered by it?!\nMayor: Ahalright, Chef, I'll have my assistants hold up the flag. [the one with the bang goes to get it] and you tell me what exactly you find racist about it. [the assistant returns and gives one end to Johnson. They unfurl the flag between them. The flag shows a black figure dangling from a hangman's noose, and two white figures on either side of him rejoicing. \"South Park\" is written underneath]\nChef: You don't see anything wrong with that flag?!\nJimbo: Chef, what about the baseball team, the Cleveland Indians, huh? Should they change their name because it's racist?\nChef: Yeah!\nJimbo: No, because it's their history!\nChef: Look, I have gone to every quiet protest I could! I have written everyone; I've put up signs! But now I'm telling you [points to the mayor and emphasizes], THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!\nJimbo: And I'm telling you it WON'T!\nMayor: [rolls her eyes] Oh, boy.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The class bell rings and the kids are in their seats. Timmy is now shown with the class.\nMr. Wyland: Okay, children, in Mr. Garrison's absence, I would like to turn the class's attention to current issues. Some people think the South Park flag should be changed, while others believe that changing the flag is wrong. I think this is a perfect subject for your debate club.\nClass: [Timmy stays quiet] Aaaaah!\nMr. Wyland: I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year. [points to a chart with three debates on it] Pro-Choice vs. Cartman, Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman, a-and People Against the Clubbing of Baby Seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, the winner of all your debates so far has been... Cartman.\nCartman: Thaaat's ri-ight.\nKyle: Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed off and goes home so we can't debate anymore!\nClass: [including Timmy] Yeah.\nCartman: Nah-ah! I'm just a better debater than you guys!\nStan: You don't even know what you're debating about half the time!\nCartman: Yes I do!\nCraig: No you don't!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! Well, screw you guys, I'm going home! [rises from his seat, heads for the door, and exits]\nKyle: Told ya.\nMr. Wyland: Alright, children, well, unlike Mr. Garrison, I want you all to go out and research this debate before we pick teams. Tomorrow, you'll need to choose which side of this poignant debate you are on. [the class stares back blankly]\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned's lodge, after school. They're sitting on the front porch.\nJimbo: This is about history, kids. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and two others are present] If you don't have respect for your past, then you can never expect to- BIRD! [he and Ned each take a shot at it, and it tumbles away, falling dead into a large pile of dead birds on the road behind the boys] -then you can never expect to have a future. Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots and flags because they're not [does quotes with his left index and middle finger] \"politically correct.\" Well, where does it end? I mean, people are gonna start sayin' that the Denver Broncos are offensive to horses. And then we'll have to- a SQUIRREL! [He and Ned take shots at it, and it falls dead from its branch] And then we'll have to change everything, and pretty soon all our history will be forgotten. But to REALLY understand the South Park's flag's importance, you need to know about South Park's history. Ned here's a big history buff, and he can tell you the whole story. Ned?\nNed: Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from the East Coast traveled across the Plains-\nStan: Uh that, that's okay, dude, I think we got it.\nKyle: Yeah, we got it.\nJimbo: You sure?\nStan, Kyle: Yup.\nJimbo: You boys go make me proud now and win that debate- Chris Peterson! [he and Ned fire away, and Chris yells and dodges the bullets, then runs off] God-damnit, we missed him again!\nScene Description: South Park Supermarket, after school. Chef is at the entrance with a petition in his hands. With him are Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, and Butters. Some folks head for the store...\nChef: Sign up to join me, and come marching to the Mayor's office in protest of the South Park flag! [the shoppers brush on by and enter the store, and the doors close] You see that, children?! Nobody wants to get involved! [the doors open and Randy Marsh walks out with a bag of groceries. Chef notices] Randy! Sign up to march with me against the South Park flag on Wednesday?\nRandy: Oh, uuhh, look, Chef, you know I'm-m not a racist, but uh, I just don't really feel strongly one way or another about the flag.\nChef: Well, alright, Marsh, you're entitled to your own opinion. [Randy walks away and Chef looks at the kids] That's how it is in this town. I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet, and I've been here all day!\nWendy: We'll march with you, Chef.\nChef: That's nice, but I need the support of some registered voters. [Mr. Mackey walks out with some groceries. Chef stops him] Ey, Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?\nMr. Mackey: Oo, Wednesday? Uh-Wednesday's tough. I guess- maybe I could do somthin' uh, Thursday afternoon.\nChef: Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone else wanna go Thursday?\nPrincipal Victoria: [arrives] Thursday's no good, we've got choir council.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, yeah.\nPrincipal Victoria: What about next Sunday?\nChef: Fine! Next Sunday!\nMan 1: You mean, during the ball game?\nMan 2: Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday.\nChef: Monday??\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, I can't do Monday.\nMan 3: [arrives] I could do Tuesday.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, Tuesday morning's good.\nMan 1: You know what would be better for me is Saturday afternoon.\nMan 2: Saturday is perfect for me.\nPrincipal Victoria: Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?\nMan 3: Mm hmm.\nMan 2, Woman 2: Yeah.\nMan 1: Yeah.\nMan 3: That sounds good.\nMan 2: Mm hmm.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, I think that's the best day.\nChef: Okay! On Saturday, we march!\nMan 2: Oh, march? What are we marching for?\nChef: To bring down the South Park Flag!\nMan 2: ...Oh. [the adults begin to disperse]\nMan 3: Oohh, I gotta go.\nMan 1: I know what I may like. I don't like marching\nWoman 2: Uh, marching's really not for me.\nMan 2: See you later.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Wyland's class. He's at the chalkboard tallying up the votes. There are eight votes on each side of the board: eight on the left for \"FLAG SHOULD CHANGE,\" eight on the right for \"FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME\"\nMr. Wyland: Well I've counted up all your secret ballots, children, and it look like about half of you think the flag should stay, and half think the flag should be changed.\nWendy: How could any of you think that flag should stay the way it is?!\nMr. Wyland: Save it for the debate, Wendy. Now I'm going to assign the debate leaders. Who wants to lead the \"Flag Should Stay The Way It Is\" team?\nStan, Kyle: Me. Me. Me. Me.\nWendy: [upset] Stan?! How could you be so insensitive?!\nStan: Whoa, dude, I don't see anything wrong with that flag.\nKyle: Yeah, me neither.\nMr. Wyland: Alright. Stan and Kyle, [turns and writes on the board] you can both be the team leaders for the \"Flag should stay the way it is\" team. [turns around. Their names are there now] Now, who wants to lead the \"Flag should be changed\" team? [an angry Wendy raises her hand. Cartman looks over at her, then raises his hand and chuckles] Okay, Wendy and Eric can team up. [writes their names on the board]\nWendy: [mortified] Nooo! [Cartman chuckles some more]\nMr. Wyland: Alright, children. Do your homework, and let's get ready for a great debate!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Kids enjoy their meals. Craig enters the kitchen, followed by Stan, Kyle, Butters, and someone else\nStan, Kyle: Hello, Chef.\nChef: [in a foul mood] My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I've converted to Islam.\nStan: Islam??\nChef: From now on, my name is [points to his apron] Abdul Mohammed Jabar [points to the rest of his name on a sign held by an Arab assistant] Rauf Kareem Ali. [proceeds with preparing the trays] With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name!\nStan: Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.\nChef: You WHAT?! [plants his fists on the counter while the assistant struggles to keep his half of the name sign in line with Chef's apron] You don't think they should change the flag?!\nKyle: Not really.\nStan: Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.\nChef: [moves to his right and sets the ladle and a pot down] Well, that figures you don't! Because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker-racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!\nStan: But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about, it's-\nChef: But nothin'! [picks up the ladle and throws it down] \"But\" my ass! Fix your own damn food! [hurries out, and his assistant quickly follows. Stan and Kyle look at each other, confused]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has assembled her team and leads them through preliminary items. In her team are Bebe, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kevin, and three others. Cartman is not there yet.\nWendy: Okay. Now, in order for us the debate to change the South Park flag, we will need to do a lot of research. Now, my plan is to divide up into three research teams. We will present our arguments based on things that w-\nCartman: [enters] It's okay, I'm here.\nWendy: [glares at him for a few seconds] Nice of you to show up! We were just discussing how we should state our case.\nCartman: [begins pacing] Yes. This is a difficult case. In order to win the debate, we will need to attack Stan and Kyle's credibility.\nWendy: [stunned] What??\nCartman: That's how you win these things: attack your opponents' credibility! [starts barking orders] Butters! Take some kids and go dig up whatever dirt you can on Kyle's past. I'm talkin' booby magazines, whatever.\nButters: Wwuhuh-o-kay! [hops off his chair. Wendy watches him leave]\nCartman: The rest of you, go get the goods on Stan! His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was, and then lie and say it was a puppy.\nClyde: Right. [the others disperse, leaving Wendy and Cartman facing each other at the round table.]\nCartman: [takes out some Cheesy Poofs] Mmmm.\nWendy: [walks up to him] Cartman, we can't just attack Stan and Kyle's credibility. We need to present our side of the debate.\nCartman: You're right. We'll need to look like we prepared a case, too, so that they look all the weaker. Good plan. Sooo, what's the issue again?\nWendy: The South Park flag!\nCartman: Interesting. Aaand, what side are we on?\nWendy: D'aaaaahhh!\nCartman: Whoa! Calm down, ho. [eats some poofs]\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day. A Channel 4 field reporter is on scene. Chef is in the background dressed in a daishiki facing the Hall, with his fist up. Two groups of people are there, one on either side of him. The mayor and her assistants look out over the scene from her office\nReporter: [\"NEWS 4 LIVE!\"] Tom, I'm standing out front of the South Park Mayor's Office, where both sides of this debate have gathered.\nChef: Change the flag!\nJimbo: Don't change history!\nMayor: Oh brother, what now?!\nChef: [background, as the reporter speaks] Change the flag! Change the flag!...\nReporter: Earlier, the South Park townspeople voiced their opinion.\nMan 4: [angry] Well, I think the flag is racist! [turns pensive] Huh, but then again, it is part of our history.\nMan 5: Well, I guess the flag is part of history, ...but I can see how it is racist.\nMan 6: [flatly, slowly] I think it is history. I think it is racist.\nReporter: Well, one things for sure, tensions are high and pressure is mounting on the South Park Mayor to do something.\nChef: [background, as the reporter speaks] ...Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! [the mayor simply looks down] In the 1960s there was a monk [shows a photo of Thích Quảng Đức in flames] who set himself on fire to protest! You have left me no choice! [lowers the photo] To protest your lack of humanity, I will now do the same thing! [raises a portable gas tank and a lighter, then pours the gasoline on a Tibetan monk and sets him on fire]\nMonk: [in flames] Huh! Haaaaaaaaaaaah! [dies]\nThe KKK: [arriving] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!\nReporter: [stunned, then speaks] What's this? Uh, Tom, it looks as if the KKK have shown up to express their opinion.\nKKK Leader: [walks up to Jimbo and extends his hand.] Hello, brother. [Jimbo and his group turns to see the Klan] We are here to support your noble cause.\nJimbo: Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We don't want your support. We're not racists; this is about history.\nNed: Yeah.\nKKK Leader: Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on your side! [he and the rest of the KKK face right and march away]\nThe KKK: White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and the others watch them leave] White Power! White Power! [they take up positions in front of City Hall, facing Chef. A familiar figure is chanting with them] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!\nSheila: [arrives] Mr. Garrison, you're a Klan member?\nMr. Garrison: NO, no, [steps out] but Mr. Hat is. [points to the puppet, which is dressed in a Klan robe and bends down a few times as if to say \"hello\"]\nMr. Garrison: [Voicing Mr. Hat] White Power! White Power!\nMr. Garrison: Ogh! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat.\nThe KKK: White Power!\nChef: Change the flag!\nJimbo: Don't change history!\nMayor: Ooh, Jesus. What a mess.\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, Mayor's office, later.\nMayor: Chef, we realize that you find the South Park flag racist, and we certainly understand your case. [shot of an angry Chef] We have been diligently working on this problem, put in a lot of hours, and we have finally altered the flag in a way that we think will make you very happy. Gentlemen? [her assistants lift up a flag and carry it to a clear area, then unfurl it for Chef to see] There. Is that better? [It looks the same...]\nChef: No, damnit!\nMayor: [points to the black figure] No, but look! He's got a little smile now! [a close-up reveals closed eyes and a smile] See? He's happy. Much better, don't you think? [Chef just rises and walks out. The mayor lumps in her chair] Well, some people just won't work with you at all. This is getting out of hand. How do I absolve myself of an responsibility with this?\nJohnson: Mayor, the-ee South Park Elementary children are discussing the flag issue in their debate club on Friday.\nAssistant: We... could use the debate as an excuse to hold a vote on the issue.\nMayor: Yes, of course. Let the children be responsible. Everybody loves children. Tell the press. South Park Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has three stacks of books to pore over, Cartman is playing with his toys\nWendy: This might come in handy. It says here that recently a case was brought before the South Carolina Court about their flag, and they-\nCartman: I warn you, Bog Monster! Do not mock Captain Candycone![as Bog Monster] O yeah?! How would you like I should kick you in the nuts?!\nWendy: If we could show a parallel between the South Carolina case-\nCartman: [as Captain Candycone] Ugh. Oh yeah?! I'll kick you in the nuts![as Bog Monster] Ugh. I'll kick you in the nuts![as Captain Candycone] I'll kick you in the nuts!\nWendy: Cartman, why don't you just go home?! You aren't helping any!\nCartman: You won't let me help.\nWendy: That's because you're stupid, and you're a racist!\nCartman: [thinks a moment...] ...Touché. But dude, you might as well let me help you. We're in this together. I mean, just... tell me what to do, and I'll do it. [Wendy remains mad at him. He does Bog Monster] Wendih, let Cartman help. Seriouslih. [she averts her gaze, then breaks into a smile] Wendih. Seriouslih. [she chuckles] The Bog Monster speaketh.\nScene Description: South Park, the offices of Brovlofski and Jackson, Attorneys At Law. Kyle and Stan have assembled their team there. Kenny, Craig and Tweek are there with two others.\nKyle: Okay. since my dad's a lawyer, he says we can use any of his books we want. [Kenny chows down tablets from a blue bowl before him] Who wants to read them? [no one responds]\nStan: Come on, you guys. We all have to work on this!\nKyle: Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are you gonna eat? Jesus!\nKenny: (Plenty. This is 'cause my family's poor.)\nKyle: I know your family's poor, but you can't just eat an entire bowl of mints for dinner.\nKenny: (Ah, fuck you!) [gives him the finger]\nStan: I don't think we stand a chance in this debate, 'cause Wendy's leading the other side.\nKyle: Dude, you're just saying that because she's your girlfriend.\nKenny: [burps] (Hey, can I have a drink of water?)\nKyle: Yeah, you can have a drink of water. The dispenser's over there. [Kenny hops off and walks to the dispenser]\nStan: Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating 60 mints. [Mr. Broflovski enters]\nGerald: [stops behind Kenny's chair] Hey, boys, how's the research coming?\nKyle: Pretty good, I guess.\nStan: Do you think they should change the flag?\nGerald: Oh, uuhh. I don't know. [picks up the empty bowl]\nKyle: Kenny ate all the mints, dad.\nGerald: Oh, those weren't mints, those were antacid tablets.\nKyle: Oh.\nStan, Kyle: Kenny! [Mr. Broflovski looks in anticipation]\nKenny: [drinks the water, then looks at them] (What?) [the tablets start to fizz] (Oh oooooooOOOOOOOH!) [as his voice rises, his body balloons and foam comes out of all possible orifices. Then he bursts and parts of him fall all over. Some antacid squirts out of somewhere. At the table, body parts and antacid cover some books, parts of the table, and on parts of everyone left. The other students and Mr. Broflovski laugh. Stan and Kyle clap somewhat]\nStan: That was a good one.\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. The KKK is still rallying. Mr. Hat keeps Mr. Garrison in place\nThe KKK: White Power! White Power!\nKKK Leader: Do not change the flag! It is a symbol of white power!\nThe KKK: White Power!\nMr. Garrison: [now next to the leader] Oohh, I'm sorry, Chef. Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.\nMr. Garrison: [Voicing Mr. Hat] Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!\nMr. Garrison: [shocked] Dugh! [covers his mouth. Chef looks at him an angry disbelief] Ogh. Waaaaah! [runs away]\nChef: [approaches one group] How can you all just stand by and let these racists do this?!\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. We don't like it, but we can't arrest them for talking.\nReporter: Should the Klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the Capitol? Here's what some people think.\nMan 7: Well, I think they are racist, but I... do think freedom of speech is important.\nMan 8: Well, I, for one, believe in freedom of speech. ...Mmm but then again, I think they are racist.\nMan 9: Well, I believe that they are racist, but I do believe that all-\nChef: [shoves the man out of the way] Aw, the hell with all of you indecisive bastards!\nReporter: On Friday, South Park Elementary will present its debate, and after the debate, there will finally be a vote. Preliminary polls show three in favor of changing the flag, three against changing the flag, and 4382 undecided. [Results show on screen in text beside him]Z So the pressure in on those South Park kids!\nKKK Leader: Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members. Let's take a hot shower!\nThe KKK: Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower! [they march away]\nJimbo: [to Ned] Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side if it's the side those KKK members are on. Come on, we gotta put a stop to them.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, school library, night. Wendy and Cartman are both laboring over books. Between them is a tray of Oreo cookies.\nWendy: I can't believe it. All the pressure's on us. I mean, this debate is going to actually affect the outcome of the vote.\nCartman: [aloof] Uh huh.\nWendy: Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals to the history argument.\nCartman: Why don't we just talk about the swastika?\nWendy: Huh?\nCartman: I mean, Germany was united under the swastika, right? But,... obviously history wasn't as important as changing the views after the war and stuff, so hey changed it.\nWendy: [mulls over the argument] Hey, that's a pretty good point, Cartman.\nCartman: Yeah.\nWendy: Not bad at all. I may make that our first argument. [takes a cookie]\nCartman: Cool.\nWendy: Double-stuffed cookies are my favorite. [starts eating]\nCartman: Really? Mine too. What I really like to do, is I like to take the tops off of two cookies, and then put them together and make \"quadruple stuffs.\"\nWendy: Hey, that's what I always do, too!\nCartman: No way!\nWendy: Yeah. Jesus, I never thought I'd have anything in common with you, Cartman.\nCartman: Me neither. [Romantic music starts to play]\nWendy: Aha ha.\nCartman: Huh.\nWendy, Cartman: Well, anyway, let's get back to work. [two kids speak in unison]\nCartman: Whoa.\nWendy: Weird, um. Okay. Uh. Now, let's say that first we talk about the history of the flag. [reaches for a cookie] We can show that the- [Cartman's hand rests on hers. Their eyes meet and the music crescendos]\nCartman: [withdraws his hand] Ur, s-sorry. [shoves the plate to her a bit] Go ahead.\nWendy: No. [shoves the plate back, Music fades.] You go ahead.\nScene Description: South Park transition music. Mr. Garrison's house, night. The living room. Mr. Garrison enters\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, what do you think you're doing?\nMr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] There's another Klan rally tonight; I have to be there in 15 minutes.\nMr. Garrison: Ooh no, Mr. Hat. You are not dragging to another Klan meeting.\nMr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] But they're electing a new assistant to the Grand Dragon. I might get elected.\nMr. Garrison: Well, good for you, Puppet Pants! I'll have nothin' to do with it!\nMr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] I'm going whether you like it or not!\nMr. Garrison: Oh yeah?! [sits in his armchair and waits] I'm not going, Mr. Hat, and that's final! [looks away] Let's just see you try and go without me! [looks back again, and his right hand is bare] Mi-Mr. Hat?\nScene Description: South Park, the woods. The KKK rallies around a burning cross.\nThe KKK: White Power! White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and Ned rise up out of the brush and look at the rally] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!\nJimbo: [softly, during the rally] Alright, Ned. We've got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with.\nNed: Mmm-okay.\nJimbo: Damnit Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?\nNed: No.\nThe KKK: White Power! White Power!\nKKK Leader: [walks in and stands in front of the burning cross, raising his arms to quiet the group] Good evening, brothers. Our first order of business tonight is to have Brother Anderson update us on last week's minutes.\nBrother Anderson: Last week we decided we hate blacks and Jews. A lot!\nKKK Leader: Alright. And now it's time for us all to come together, and... do our cake raffle.\nKKK Members: [ad lib] Oh, cake raffle. [Jimbo and Ned look at each other]\nKKK Leader: This week's winner is... [reads the ticket] uh, 2 9 7 4.\nTicket 2974 Holder: [jumps for joy] I won, I won. [moves forward] I won the cake! [takes it and returns to his place]\nKKK Leader: God job, brother. [smattering of applause. Jimbo and Ned look on.]\nScene Description: Happy music plays. A green and flowering meadow under a brilliant orange dawn. A happy Wendy walks in and grabs some flowers, then sniffs them deeply. She then looks behind her to find a topless Cartman sitting on a white steed under a bright yellow sun. Romantic music swells. The steed neighs\nWendy: [turns and runs to him] Cartman! [Cartman gets off the steed and runs to Wendy, his hair billowing in the wind]\nCartman: Ahh! [they run into each other's arms and tumble down, laughing all the while. At the bottom, Wendy's on her back and Cartman is on top of her]\nWendy: Say it'll be like this forever.\nCartman: Okay, It will be like this forever.\nWendy: Oh, Cartman! [Cartman looks at her, his hair billowing in the wind]\nScene Description: Wendy's room, night. She rises in bed with a start. That scene in the meadow was a dream\nWendy: AAAAAAaaaah! [pants heavily, then dunks her head in the fish bowl on the little desk next to her bed.] Brrrrr. What's wrong with me? [hops down and heads for the bathroom, flips the lights on, goes to the sink, hops on a stool, and checks out her tongue and eyes, while Russell Crowe poster behind her stares on] Ahhh. It's okay. Get a grip, girl. [hops down and heads for the switch. She's about to turn off the lights when a voice stops her]\nCartman's voice: Wendih. [she looks at the Russell Crowe poster next to the switch] Wendih. [Rusell's face stretches into one of Cartman]\nWendy: [shocked at the hallucination] Aaaah!\nCartman's voice: [the face reverts to Russell's as the voice fades] Wendih, look at me.\nWendy: [turns around, looks up, then sits down with her face in her hands] Oh God, please don't let this be happening.\nScene Description: South Park, the woods, deep in the night.\nKKK Leader: Alright brothers, listen up! [two more members looking suspiciously familiar show up, and the leader starts to pace back and forth] As you know, this fine city is holding a vote on whether or not to change their flag. But lynching minorities is history! So what are we gonna do about it?!\nMember 1: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down the Capitol!\nKKK Members: Yeah!\nMember 2: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never leave this town!\nKKK Members: Yeah!\nJimbo: [in KKK disguise] Let's say they should change the flag!\nKKK Members: Yeah! [turn to see the new member] Wah?\nKKK Leader: Uh what's that, brother?\nJimbo: I think we should switch sides!\nNed: Me too. Nnn-that's a good idea.\nJimbo: Look, we have to accept the fact that most people in the world hate us, right?\nKKK Members: [rolling reaction] Yeah, m-hm.\nJimbo: So, whatever side we're on is the side that's gonna lose, right?\nKKK Members: [rolling reaction] Right, yeah.\nJimbo: So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed. That way, most folks'll vote to keep it the way it is.\nKKK Leader: That's a great idea, brother!\nKKK Members: [jubilant, jumping] Yeah!\nKKK Leader: Alright, it is decided! We will officially tell everyone that we want the flag changed, so that they will all vote against us!\nKKK Members: [ad lib] Hooray, yeah! [the two new members leave]\nA Member: We're smart! [the two members head into the brush]\nJimbo: [both members take off their hoods] That worked perfectly, Ned.\nKKK Leader: Well alright, now that that's out of the way, it is time to play, \"Whose got the silliest thing on under their robe?\"\nKKK Members: [ad lib] Yeah, woohoo! [a member walks up to an organ and sits. He begins to play \"If You're Happy And You Know It...\" The rest form two lines and clap.]\nScene Description: The contest. The first member walks down the middle and shows off his boxers with a heart design. The second comes in and shows off his lederhosen. The third comes in and shows off bikini briefs and garters. The fourth comes in and shows off a yellow bird costume.\nJimbo: [Watching from the bushes with their hoods now off]Jesus, Ned, these guys are completely nuts.\nNed: Mm-yup.\nScene Description: the fifth member comes in and shows off his hand-walking skills, and the sixth one shows off his penis... Jimbo and Ned walk away from the scene\nJimbo: [stops] That is the most insane thing I've ever seen. I can't believe those people are on our side. I mean, is our side that crazy? [some headlights pass over them and they shield their eyes. A station wagon rolls up with Chef behind the wheel. Jimbo waves hello.] Oh, hello, Chef. Big debate tomorrow, I guess. [Chef glowers at them for a few seconds. Dramatic music plays.] Oh, Jesus, the robes! Chef, this isn't what it looks like. You've gotta listen to us!\nChef: I ain't gonna listen to nothin'! This whole cracker-ass town can kiss my ass! [peels off. Mud flies behind the Town & Country and splatters Jimbo and Ned]\nJimbo: Ned, I'm starting to think that maybe history ain't worth defendin' sometimes.\nScene Description: Scene-change music. Wendy's house, morning, before school. Living room\nWendy: [leads Bebe in] Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have something to tell you.\nBebe: Sure, what?\nWendy: Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman.\nBebe: [shrieks and covers her ears] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nWendy: [ashamed] I know.\nBebe: Why would you tell me this? Why would you tell anyone this?\nWendy: Because I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, then I can't win the debate tomorrow. The whole vote is dependent on me doing a good job-\nBebe: Alright, look. When two people work closely for a long time, sometimes they feel what's called, \"sexual tension.\" Sometimes you just have to act on impulse and get it over with.\nWendy: You mean, I should kiss him? [looks away embarrassed]\nBebe: Kiss him and get it out of your system.\nWendy: [dreading] Oh God.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the gym. Mr. Wyland is shown behind a podium, and the South Park flag hangs from some rafters behind him. Two tables are set up, one for each side of the debate. Behind the \"FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME\" table are Stan, Kyle, and two other boys. Behind the \"FLAG SHOULD CHANGE\" table are Wendy, Cartman, Token, and Butters.\nMr. Wyland: Well I certainly would like to thank all the parents for their support of our debate club. [the bleachers are shown. The mayor, Chef, Jimbo and Ned, and others are present] I r-realize that many of you are torn by the issues as well, so, perhaps the children can shed some light on us. We'll start with Wendy Testaburger on the \"Flag Should Be Changed\" team. [Wendy hops off her seat, then looks at Cartman and strokes her chin, then steps up to look at the audience. She looks again at Cartman. He's been watching her all the while, wondering where this is all headed]\nWendy: [Piano music implying a pending dramatic moment approaches. Wendy looks at the audience] The- [looks at Cartman] the- uh, [clears her throat] aheh ahum, [looks at Cartman] the... the- uh, [closes her eyes and pushes her hands out as if to push away the feelings swirling within] Ahhhhh, [exhales softly, then sighs] The first argument we- [her eyes snap back to Cartman, who's still watching her. Stan and Kyle watch as well] ah... [resets] Let me start over. [looks at Stan] The uh- [loses her rudder] oh God. Could you all excuse me for a moment? [steps down and kisses a surprised Cartman full on the lips while she makes high pitched, humming sounds] Mmmmmummmmeeemmeeemeeemmee...\nPeople in Audience: [ad lib] Oh. [Stan's jaw drops]\nReally Shocked Man: [off camera] Oh, God! [Butters' and Token's jaws drop. So does Chef's. Wendy finally releases the pucker, sighs in happy relief, and goes back to the podium]\nWendy: [confident now] There. Now, the main point we would like to make is oftentimes it is prudent to change history. As times change we hope to grow, and as we grow our rules must change. It is a natural part of evolution. Thank you. [steps down as people clap. Stan is still in shock that Wendy kissed Cartman. She sits down, Cartman looks at her, then places his hands behind his head in a supreme air of confidence and looks away]\nMr. Wyland: Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, your main point? [Kyle moves to the podium while Stan remains stunned]\nKyle: Our main point is that the flag shouldn't offend anyone, because killing has been around since the beginning of time. All animals kill. [an astonished Stan looks as Cartman puts his right hand on the back of Wendy's chair and points at her with his left, winks, then does a victory hand dance. A smiling Wendy remains oblivious to this showing off] And the animals that don't kill are stupid ones, like cows and turtles and stuff. So people should not be so upset about killing. [returns to his seat amid a smattering of applause]\nChef: [stands up] Whoa whoa whooaa! You just missed the point entirely!\nKyle: Huh?\nChef: I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody gettin' killed, It's because it's racist!\nKyle's Team: [minus Stan who's mouth is still hanging open as he stares at Wendy] Racist??\nChef: Children, don't you even know what this argument is about?! That flag is racist because a black man is being hung by white people.\nKyle's Team: [minus Stan still shocked] Ooooooohhh.\nChef: Ooooooohhh?!\nKyle: W-we really didn't see it that way.\nChef: But that's a black man up there!\nKyle: Y-yeah, but... the color of someone's skin doesn't matter.\nChef: Well of course it matters when- [catches himself] ...Oh my God. Wait a minute. You children didn't even see the flag as a black man being hanged by white people, did you?\nKyle's Team: [except stunned Stan] No.\nChef: [deducing, marveling] Why, that is- that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.\nMayor: What?\nMr. Wyland: What?\nChef: Don't you see? All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist, when actually they were so not racist that they didn't even make a separation of black and white to begin with. All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people.\nA Few People: Awww.\nSome KKK members: Awww.\nKyle: Yeah. [Cartman is still showing off, Wendy remains oblivious, Stan remains shocked]\nChef: I'm sorry, children. I was wrong about you. But I still the flag needs to be changed. But now I realize that I almost let racism turn me into a racist.\nJimbo: Yeah. You know, uh I suddenly found myself on the side of Klan members. I've never had anything against blacks, Chef.\nChef: Oh, I know you don't, Jimbo. I've known you for almost ten years. You're a good man.\nJimbo: We've been way too divisive over this, Chef. Maybe we can come up with a- compromise flag-something that everybody can be happy with.\nChef: I think that's a much better start than me tryin' to separate myself from all you wonderful crackers.\nAudience Members: [relieved, ad lib] Ooh, huhuh. Oooh [Stan's astonished gaze was fixed on Cartman and Wendy all that time while Cartman continued his happy hand dance.]\nKyle: Oh. Sweet, dude. I don't think we have to do this stupid debate now. [waves his hand in front of Stan to get his attention] Stan?\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day. The Mayor has called a town meeting at City Hall and now stands at her podium with the town gathered before her. Something hangs above her covered by a brown curtain\nMayor: This has been an interesting week in South Park. We've all done a lot of growing this week. [shot of the crowd, some of them smiling] Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue. But now we have learned once again that black, white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we are all just people. And so, I am very excited to unveil our new South Park Flag! [The curtain falls away to reveal the same flag, only with the five people, including the hanged man, holding hands. The crowd cheers. From left to right: a white man, a yellow man, the hanged black man, a red man, and another black man]\nStan: [recovered, looks at the flag] Wait, I don't get it.\nKyle: No, see? There's people of all colors. And they added a black guy as one of the hangers, too, so it's not racist.\nChef: Hooray!\nJimbo: I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer.\nWendy: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. [the applause begins to die down]\nCartman: Me, too!\nWendy: [applause stops, background music plays] I can't believe how right Bebe was about feeling under pressure with somebody. As soon as it was over, all my feelings for you just vanished.\nCartman: [fronting] Oh, huh. Yeah. Yeah, totally huh.\nWendy: I'm totally back to normal. See you later. [the crowd disperses behind her as she pats Cartman's shoulder]\nCartman: Yeah. See you later, heh. Ho, [finger points at her] huhuh, he, haha.\nWendy: Hahaha. [looks off to her right] Stan. Stan, wait up! [hurries away to catch up to him. Cartman looks at her, then away, then at her long, then away, than at her quick one last time, then looks down and sighs. He turns to his left and walks away, dejected]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A large city at night. Klieg lights pierce through the air as a large crowd gathers in front of a large building.\nAnnouncer: Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy band of the decade! [women scream, jump, and shout. Signs reading \"FINGERBANG RULES,\" \"FINGER BANG,\" \"WE LOVE FINGER BANG,\" AND \"FINGER BANG 4EVER\" bob throughout the audience] It's Fingerbang, live from Madison Square Gardens! [the interior is shown, with cheering crowds. A heralding sound effect plays, and spotlights flicker around the stage. A burst of fireworks cues the music and the familiar silhouettes of four boys are shown on stage. A few women faint]\nFingerbang: [the lights go on them, and it's the boys, dressed in white outfits. Their hats are all white, too. A green shirt indicates Kyle, a blue one Stan. Kenny wears an orange visor over his white hood. All wear headsets] Fingerbang! [they each spin towards the audience once, then stop] Bang-bang! Fingerbang-bang! [they spin back to their first positions] Bangbangbang! [all step forward and do their routine] I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you ever-y night\nCartman: [steps forward for a solo bridge as the others sway back and forth] And girl, you know that you're the only girl for me, girl Girl, you're the girl of my fantasy You're my girl, you're my girl\nWoman: [as Cartman sings] Cartman, I want youuu!\nCartman: [continues] My... girrrrrrrl... [lifts up his shirt to show off the right breast-um, pec. The others turn to their right while maintaining their gaze and pointing their gun fingers at the audience. The music builds as women scream at the sight]\nFingerbang: [Cartman rejoins the others and all point their gun fingers at the audience, then resume the routine] Fingerbang! Bang... Bang bang bang Fingerbang-bang! Bangbangbang! I'm gonna fingerbang-bang-\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's tossing and turning joyfully in his sleep. The song continues playing in his mind: \"-you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright\"\nCartman: Yes! Yes! I'm a star! I'm a star! I'm- [wakes up, then looks angry] Aaawww, I'm nobody! God-dammit! [suddenly thinks] Wait a minute. Maybe that was a sign from God. That's it, isn't it? You want me to start a boy band so I can make $10 million, don't you? That's it! [rushes out of bed]\nScene Description: Cartman residence, day. Cartman has Stan, Kyle, and Kenny over in the living room.\nCartman: [pacing back and forth] Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. [stops and faces them] God has finally spoken to me, you guys. And he has told me how I can make $10 million.\nKyle: ...How?\nCartman: Boy band.\nStan: Boy band?\nCartman: Boy band.\nKyle: I'm not being in any [crosses his arms over his chest] faggy boy band!\nCartman: There's nothing faggy about $10 million, asshole! This was a message from God!\nStan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.\nCartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass! [pulls out a tape from his back pocket] I've got prerecorded music we can sing to, just like they do. All we need to do is practice our choreography over and over and over!\nKenny: (That sounds totally fuckin' stupid.)\nCartman: Shut up, Kenny. And then, I know I can get us a gig at the South Park Mall. [intense] So everybody get in a straight line, we're gonna listen to a song from the top, and take it-\nKyle: Wait a minute. There's only four of us.\nCartman: So?\nKyle: So, all boy bands have five members.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: 'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block. All had five members.\nStan: He's right.\nCartman: [throws down the tape] Dammit! Okay, okay okayokayokay. We'll put off practice for now, and hold auditions for a fifth member. Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morning!\nScene Description: Marsh residence, night. The family is gathered for dinner, enjoying ham and turkey\nSharon: Did you have fun at Eric's house today, Stanley?\nStan: Well, I guess.\nSharon: What did you do?\nStan: Well, Cartman wants to start a boy band, so we're gonna rehearse and then try to perform at the South Park Mall. [Randy reacts, and Shelly takes notice]\nSharon: Oh well, that sounds nice.\nRandy: [to Sharon, angrily] No, it does NOT sound nice! [to Stan] Stanley, you are gonna have no part in that boy band.\nStan: Well but, Dad, all my friends are doing it.\nRandy: [rises] If all your friends jumped off a cliff, [jabs his finger at Stan] would you do that too?\nStan: [voice shaking] Cartman says we can make $10 million.\nRandy: You are not gonna be in a boy band, Stanley! AND THAT IS FINAL! [storms out]\nShelly: Geez, what's up Dad's ass?\nScene Description: Cartman residence, next morning, \"BOY BAND AUDITIONS TODAY!!\" Music begins. Inside, Butters is singing his song in front of the sofa\nButters: [holds two fingers on his right hand up to indicate a hopping bunny] Little Bunny Foo-Foo hoppin' through the forest [scoops up imaginary mice, makes two fists, and bops the right one with the left] Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head [shimmies down with hands outstretched. The auditors look half-asleep] Down came a white angel and she said [the angel (left finger) reprimands the bunny] \"Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see you [the piano player seems familiar. The angle bops the bunny] Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head\" So now I'm gonna turn you into a worm, mbuh, mBunny Foo-Foo... Eh, beh-POOF [slaps his right hand with his left, and one finger goes down, leaving a worm] Little Wormy Foo-Foo crawlin' through the forest Gettin scooped up by the field mice who mah-m then they bopped 'im on the head [grins, then does a little kick forward]\nCartman: [through the mic] Eheh, thank you Butters. We'll let you know.\nButters: Ah, I can do it again.\nCartman: [through the mic] We'll let you know, Butters.\nButters: Ahah-oo well, alright then. [walks off to his left, unsure]\nCartman: Pffft! Oh my God, his intonation was so off!\nKyle: It was?\nStan: Dude, I don't think I could sing any better than that.\nCartman: Guys, if we're gonna impress the mall owner and get that gig, we'd better do it better than that. [into the mic] Next!\nStan: [reads from a list] Uhhh, next is Ike Broflovski.\nCartman: Kyle's brother?\nKyle: I promised my mom I'd let him try. [Ike hops in with some sheet music]\nCartman: Christ's sake..!\nSchroeder: What key?\nIke: [hands him the sheet] G. [hops back to the sofa as the kid plays] Itsy bitsy spider, out the water spout-\nCartman: [through the mic] Next!\nIke: Oh Danny Boy, the parson's callingClang, clang and clang\nCartman: [through the mic] Next audition!\nIke: E F G, H I J K L-M-N-O-P\nCartman: [through the mic] Goddammit, NEXT!\nIke: One on a teacher on a palm tree\"G-U-B, When the teacher wanna punch me\"\nCartman: [through the mic] Not the next song, the next PERSON! [Ike goes for his sheet music, then returns to flip Cartman off.] Aw, man, this is gonna be a long-ass day. [the front door opens and in walks Wendy with her sheet music. She walks to the piano player, gives it to him-] Oh no! Nononononono! Sorry, Wendy, this tryout's for a boy band! [a grinning Wendy suddenly frowns and her head hangs.]\nStan: Aw, come on, dude. Let her try.\nCartman: [moves the mic away] No way!\nKyle: Come on, Cartman! You haven't liked anybody else!\nCartman: Okayokay, fine. Wow me.\nWendy: [cues the player] Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut; She cooked food in a wok Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big- Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like- Shih tzus make good house pets; They're cuddly and sweet Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their- Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall, The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a- Contaminated water can really make you sick Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your- Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny applaud]\nCartman: Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us. We won't call you either, heheh. [Wendy is angered]\nKyle: Dude, what are you talkin' about? That was awesome!\nCartman: Dude, she's a chick!\nStan: Come on, nobody's gonna notice.\nCartman: \"Nobody's gonna notice\"?! What about her huge freakin' hooters, huh?! [Wendy looks down at her chest]\nStan: She's the best chance we have! I say she's in.\nKyle: Me too.\nKenny: (Me too.)\nCartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it? Alright, fine! She's in until she screws up!\nWendy: [exults] Yeah!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, next morning, early. A rooster crows. Cartman has his band in his room, and they are still drowsy. Stan is about to fall over...\nCartman: Okaaay! You guys all ready to rehearse?\nStan: Cartman, it's six in the morning. Do we have to rehearse this early?\nCartman: We have to rehearse all that we can! [moves away] Now, check this out: [returns with a box of clothes and sets it on the floor] My mom made us costumes!\nStan: Costumes? [the band gathers around the box]\nCartman: Yeah. [starts handing out the costumes] This one's yours, Stan. This one is Kyle's. This one will cover up Wendy's hooters... [she looks a little embarrassed]\nStan: Hey, Cartman, how come your costume has like, nose rings and facial hair?\nCartman: 'Cause I'm like, you know, the tough one. Every boy band has to have the one member that, you know, is tough.\nKyle: [dryly] I wanna be the tough one.\nCartman: [looks back blankly] ...Kyle, you are the sweet one. Will you please just cooperate and not-\nKyle: [determined] I wanna be the tough one!\nCartman: You can't be the tough one because you're Jewish!\nKyle: Jews are tough!\nCartman: Since when?!\nKyle: Since Abraham, fatass!\nCartman: Alright, fine! Here! [tosses the tough costume at Kyle, knocking him down] Jesus Christ, I wonder if every boy band has to go through this! [moves away. The band dresses. Kenny is a baseball player, Stan is a fighter pilot, Cartman is an Elvis impersonator, Kyle is a tough dude with nose ring and Fu Manchu mustache]\nStan: Hey, Cartman, what does \"fingerbang\" mean, anyways?\nCartman: I heard it on HBO. It means, like, you know, when you... [waves his finger around] pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.\nKenny: [chuckling] (Hm hm, noho, that's not what it means.)\nStan: Kenny says that's not what it means.\nCartman: [testy] Okay, Kenny, what does \"fingerbang\" mean, then?\nKenny: (It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it in again and again.)\nCartman: ...What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up Kenny, would you?! Alright, boys, let's do it from the top. 1, 2, 3, 4!\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. South Park is not so small anymore. Two guards on the second floor relax against a glass railing\nVeteran guard: [with a drawl] Now, I know that this is your first day on the job of mall security, rookie. Keepin' the law in a mall is just like any tough city, and especially because they don't let us have guns. It can be very dangerous.\nCartman: [leading the band members through the mall] Alright, guys. Let's do it like we rehearsed! We need energy! We need to be up!\nVeteran guard: [blocking the way to Mall Management] Excuse me, just where do you think you're goin'?\nCartman: We're goin' to see the mall manager.\nVeteran guard: Do you have the proper clearance?\nStan: [to Kyle] Uh oh, mall cops.\nVeteran guard: You have to make an appointment first. Now move along, sir.\nCartman: [pleading] But we practiced for days. All we want to do is show the guy what we can do, [the veteran guard pulls out a small bottle of pepper spray and shakes it up] so that maybe we'll have a chance to perform in the plaza of the- [the veteran guard sprays his face all over] Aagh! Aagh! Ooww! Ow! Oh! God-dammit..! [squeezes his eyes shut and rubs them]\nKyle: Jesus Christ!\nCartman: Oh, God, I can't see! [rubs his eyes]\nVeteran guard: Move along, sir. Or I'll do it again. [Cartman walks off and the others join him. Stan retrieves the boom box. Then] You see, you put your life on the line every day.\nStan: Well, I guess we can't get in to see the mall manager.\nCartman: [coughs a few times] The hell we can't! I'm not lettin' no washed-up law cops ruin my divine quest! Come on! [all join him down the mall]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, later. The two guards are watching shoppers move along. A blond man with two bags walks by.\nVeteran guard: Ey! [the man turns to look at him] What are you doin'?\nMan: Nothin'. Just... shopping.\nVeteran guard: Move along, sir. [the man leaves and the veteran looks at the rookie] You see, sometimes you gotta just do that. Keeps shoppers on their toes - try it. [the rookie gets determined and a woman and girl walk by]\nRookie guard: Ey! [they turn to look at him] What are you doin'?\nWoman: Nothing. Why?\nRookie guard: Move along, ma'am. [she leaves looking angry]\nVeteran guard: That's what being a mall cop is all about. Hyeuup.\nRookie guard: Cool.\nCartman: [over the PA system] Attention mall shoppers: the next twenty people to buy an orange smoothie will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra. Hurry up. [crowds rush off to get their Nissans]\nVeteran guard: Jesus, they're gonna start a riot! [both cops follow the crowd while Cartman and friends return to the mall manager's office]\nCartman: Alright, guys, here we go. [enters the office with the others] Hello, sir!\nManager: [a harried man who's speech is nearly emotionless with odd exclamations] What? Hey. Who are you? [the office is a bit unkempt. Stacks of paper here and there, hanging out of cabinet drawers, scraps on the floor and desk...]\nCartman: We... are Fingerbang!\nManager: O-o-oh. What? How'd you get in here? Hey.\nCartman: We would like to audition for you for a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall.\nManager: What? O-oh. You wanna play at the mall? Like Tiffany?\nCartman: Sort of like Tiffany, yes. Can we audition?\nManager: Oh. Well, I guess. ...What?\nCartman: Alright! Let's do it, boys! [moves aside and sets the boom box down, then sets the tape to play. He returns to the group, and they begin. All of them are all off-key, They all sing too ahead of the music and Wendy's voice is squeaky and lags behind the others...]\nFingerbang: I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright I'm goin' to fingerbang-bang you ever-y night\nCartman: [goes into his solo, and back into his dream] And girl you know you're cool, you're good, you're so much nicer, girl You're good, You're gonna be-\nManager: [cuts him off] Alright, that's enough!\nCartman: -you're my fantasy, you fanta-\nManager: Thank you.\nCartman: [backs up into the band] Well, so can we play here?\nManager: What?? ...No.\nCartman: No??\nManager: Who?? No!\nCartman: Why not?!\nManager: Well uh, uh, oh... Right now there's a cheese and sausage cart in the plaza. And I would uh, I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while. What?\nCartman: You don't think we're any good, do you?!\nManager: No. I mean, you're just not as good as sausage and cheese.\nCartman: Well, come on guys. We gave it our best. [goes to get his boom box]\nManager: Wow. That was your best? [Cartman flashes an angry look at him, then walks off in a huff.]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, later. The five are sitting on a bench on the first floor\nKyle: Wow. I feel so rejected.\nStan: Yeah.\nVeteran guard: There you are! You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom and started an orange smoothie riot!\nStan: Uh-oh.\nVeteran guard: I will now read you your mall rights! You have the right to shop at a variety of malls in all-\nKyle: Run for it! [the five bolt and rush out of there]\nVeteran guard: Go get 'em, rookie! [gives the rookie a stern look; the rookie just looks back]\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. Shelly's eating cereal, Sharon is at the sink. Randy enters\nRandy: Where is Stan?\nSharon: Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing for his boy band.\nRandy: What?! I specifically told him not to do that!\nSharon: Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly little dream. They're not gonna actually make it.\nRandy: And what if they do make it, Sharon? What if they do make it? Are you gonna be the one to tell 'im?! [turns around and walks out]\nShelly: Mom, what's up Dad's ass?\nSharon: It's a long story, Shelly. Let's just say your father... has a lot up his ass right now.\nScene Description: Chef's house. Cartman arrives and rings the bell\nChef: [opens the door and appears in a towel around his waist] Oh! Oh-h, hello Eric.\nCartman: [eyes downcast] Problem, Chef. I have m-many problems.\nChef: Wellll, if you uhhh, come back in just a little bit, Eric, I'll see if I can help you out. [a blonde woman comes up behind Chef]\nCartman: I just don't know what I'm gonna do. [lets himself in] Sometimes I wonder if God isn't toying with me. [goes to the sofa and pulls out some Cheesy Poofs to eat]\nChef: [sits next to Cartman] Alright, Eric, what's the matter?\nCartman: Chef, God told me I was to start a boy band and make $10 million. The problem is, it isn't working. I mean, [with feeling] I feel the music burning inside me. But I just can't express it right, you know? [the woman sits on Chef's left side and strokes his arm]\nChef: Well, Eric, I, I think you were just focusin' in on the wrong thing. Boy bands aren't about music, boy bands are created by corporations to make money. They're all based on the Gomlich effect.\nCartman: What's the Gomlich effect?\nChef: The law of physics that states, \"If one girl screams for something, it will make other girls scream. And then, it grows exponentiously until all girls within a five-mile radius are screaming.\"\nCartman: So how do boy bands use that?\nChef: All they do is make videos, showing tons and tons of girls screaming for the boy band. Once you get girls screaming, you can't stop 'em. They're crazy! [the blonde gets cross and scoots away; Chef quickly makes amends] Uh-uh, except for Lilian, of course. [she goes sweet on him again]\nCartman: Thanks!\nChef: You're welcome. Now, go away!\nCartman: Okay. [Chef watches as Cartman drops down and heads for the front door, exits...]\nChef: A-and a cucumber in the pants never hurt either!\nCartman: [outside] Cucumber in the pants. Got it. [and closes the door]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. Nine kids are there: the five band members and the four other girls in class. Cartman is talking to Bebe, Red, Annie, and Milly. He seems to have taken Chef's advice...\nCartman: Alright, everybody, listen up! This is how this first shot is gonna work: The girls are standing here, and then the members of the band walk by looking cool. When you see us, you girls all scream like, \"Oh my God, it's Fingerbang! Oh my God!\" Okay?\nBebe: Are we gonna get paid now, or after?\nCartman: I'll pay you afterwards. Promise. Okay, Timmy, roll camera. [Timmy sits in the cameraman's chair]\nTimmy: Tiimmmaaayyy! [Cartman inches his way to the group sideways]\nKyle: Dude, what's wrong with your leg?\nCartman: Huh? Oh, Chef says to put a cucumber down my pants for good luck. [the band walks across the ground in front of the girls]\nGirls: [ad lib] Ahhh. Wow. Woohoo. Yay.\nCartman: Waitwaitwaitwait, cut!\nTimmy: Huhaaaaah!\nCartman: Let's go crazier than that! I mean, you have to act like it's freakin' Leonardo DiCaprio!\nBebe: We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking past us.\nOther Girls (Red, Annie, and Milly): Yeah.\nCartman: Fine! Who would you go crazy for?\nGirls: ...Matt Lauer.\nCartman: ...Okay, fine! Pretend that we're Matt Lauer.\nBebe: Oh... Okay. [Cartman positions himself in front of them]\nCartman: Roll camera!\nTimmy: Timmuh! [the band tries again]\nGirls: AAAGGGGHHH! [the band scatters away from the screaming. Cartman falls, then gets up]\nCartman: Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, later. The band is still shooting the video. Bebe and Red hug Cartman tightly.\nFingerbang: Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night\nCartman: Aaand cut! [music stops] Alright, our video's complete. Through the grace of God I can now go back to that mall manager and show him what we've got!\nBebe: Okay, so where's our money?\nCartman: Oh uh, Kyle has it. [the girls move to Kyle. Cartman walks away]\nRandy: [arrives] Stanley, what the hell are you doing?\nStan: We are making a music video.\nRandy: You get in the truck right now! [points at it]\nStan: Dad, I was just a-\nRandy: [pointing] Get in the truck! [Stan walks to the truck dejected]\nScene Description: The road, the Marsh truck. Randy drives Stan home.\nStan: Dad, I did all my chores. Why can't I play with my friends?\nRandy: Stanley, it's just that there's better things you could be doing on a Saturday than singing and dancing. You could be watching TV or, laying in bed.\nStan: Dad, I like being in a boy band. I think it's interesting.\nRandy: Well, there's plenty of other interesting you can do. Have you ever tried marijuana?\nStan: No.\nRandy: Well, maybe it's time.\nStan: Dad!\nScene Description: South Park Mall, late morning. The guards relax on the second floor railings. A stooped man with a clear vessel filled with a green substance walks past them\nVeteran guard: Ey! What are you doin'?\nMadman: I've got a new strain of anthrax that I will soon unleash upon all of North America!\nVeteran guard: Move along, sir.\nMadman: Wuh? [walks away]\nCartman: Attention, shoppers: There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine. There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine. [crowds of mall shoppers head for the orange smoothie machine]\nVeteran guard: God dammit! [he and the rookie give chase]\nCartman: [enters the manager's office] Hello again!\nManager: What? Oh. It's you. I don't like you.\nCartman: I know you didn't love our audition. But now we have a video.\nManager: Oh. What?\nCartman: [retrieves a TV cart with VCR and pops the VCR in. The video pops up] If you would, sir, just watch this and prepare to be wowed! [at first, only the boys' hats are seen, near the play elephants. The camera spins right, then down, and the girls' feet are seen. The camera spins up and left, and finally rests on Timmy]\nTimmy: Timmiihh! [The camera turns left again and catches a glimpse of the girls, then ends up on Cartman, and zooms in on the cucumber]\nCartman: Uh, god dammit..! Our camera guy kinda sucks, but this next shot we did was really cool. [the camera gets a glimpse of the four girls, then moves off them a second after Cartman appears]\nTimmy: Haaghh. [waves at the camera, then moves his wheelchair back and dances to the music] Timmih, livin' a lie!\nCartman: Son of a bitch!\nManager: Hey. This video is dumb.\nCartman: [dead air on tape] You don't understand. Girls were going crazy for it. Please. This is what God want me to do. Ple-ease.\nManager: Alright alright. What? Well, I guess I can move the sausage and cheese cart off to one side. [gives a warning face] For a little while.\nCartman: Really? You will?\nManager: Only for twenty minutes, though.\nCartman: That's all we need! How about this afternoon at 3 o'clock?\nManager: Oh. Okay. [static shows up on the video]\nCartman: Yes! Thank you sir, you will not be disappointed! [a previous recording is shown:]\nMr. Mackey: Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been uh very bad. M'kay? [he's handcuffed against a brick wall. Mrs. Cartman appears as a dominatrix]\nLiane: You have been bad, so you're gonna have to drink from this glass. [points to it, then spreads her legs and pisses into it as he watches]\nMr. Mackey: Oh, yeah, that makes me hot, m'kay? [Cartman is shocked at what he sees; the manager is pleased]\nCartman: Aw, Mom!\nManager: Wow. What?\nScene Description: Marsh residence, later. Stan sits on the sofa as Randy paces the floor back and forth\nStan: It's not fair, Dad! Why can't I be in a boy band?\nRandy: Because I said so!\nStan: Dad, Cartman said we're gonna perform at the mall at 3 o'clock. My friends are gonna be pissed off at me.\nRandy: Let 'em be pissed off, then!\nStan: I don't understand! Just let me go do this one thing, and I won't ever-\nRandy: No!! [walks over to the china cabinet] NOOO!! [smashes his head through its glass doors, causing the dishes to slide out and break up. Stan looks at him with his mouth hanging open in shock, and Randy stands up, ashamed and shocked at his behavior. He walks back to Stan, then turns away defeated]\nStan: Dad? What the hell is going on?\nRandy: ...I was... I was 18 when my high-school men's choir performed at the grand opening of a sporting-goods store in Denver. [a flashback starts. A young Randy is at lower left corner of the choir, and the choir begins this song: \"Everything will wait / Weave all ye little reins...\"] I was just one of fifteen members and I had no idea that a record producer was in the audience. [the audience claps. The producer is in the second row of spectators. The choir members split up and the producer rushes up to Randy]\nProducer: Kid, can I talk to you?\nRandy: Uh sure.\nProducer: Heh, you were really great up there. Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant mountain town.\nRandy: Ohh, thanks.\nProducer: Listen: I'm putting together a rock group. A vocal group called the Ghetto Avenue Boys. I think you would make a perfect member.\nRandy: What? Me? Do you like my singing that much?\nProducer: Yeah, I think your mustache is perfect. How would you like to come to New York and start a singing career?\nRandy: Oh my God, I don't know. I mean, I still have another year of high school, and I-\nProducer: Hey, look, if you don't want it, I'll keep looking-\nRandy: [interrupting] No! Wait. I mean, ah-I'll think about it.\nProducer: I take it that means yes. Call me in the morning. [slips a business card into Randy's coat pocket and pats it]\nRandy: And just like that I left everything. I dropped out of high school...\nRandy: [walks by Denver High] See ya. [walks away]\nRandy: ...I said good-bye to my girlfriend...\nRandy: See ya. [waves, turns and walks away, leaving a distraught girl with mouth open]\nRandy: ...And I left my family.\nRandy: See ya. [gets into his beat-up pale-yellow car and drives off, leaving his parents at the front door]\nRandy: And suddenly there I was, thrown into a group with four other young men who I didn't even know. [the five are recording their first song]\nProducer: Take 112!\nGhetto Avenue Boys: You've... got... it! You know you've got... it [Randy: Girl] What you've got is it!\nRandy: It's obvious to me, girl\nRandy: The songs were terrible. But believe it or not, the country ate them up. The next thing I knew, we were the biggest thing in the world. [the song continues as he speaks, and the scene changes from the studio, to a poster, to a concert as the camera leaves the poster]\nGhetto Avenue Boys: Shirl! You've... got... it! It... is what you've got, girl! What you've got is it!\nRandy: Now, give it to me, 'cause...\nRandy: [more scenes from his glory days] I had everything. A huge house, [the backyard pool: he's resting on an inflatable chaise longue while women surround him] and all the women you can imagine. [nine bikini-clad women are in his bed, and he's rolling back and forth over all of them] And then one day, just as quick as it started...\nMr. Allens: [the Ghetto Avenue Boys enter to rehearse, but...] Alright, guys, let's take it from the top.\nRandy: Hey, Mr. Allens.\nMr. Allens: Heh? Woh. Uh... R-Randy.\nRandy: Who are they? [five new guys are in the recording booth]\nMr. Allens: These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys, my... new boy band.\nRandy: But, w-we're still selling records, right?\nMr. Allens: Look, kid, you're just getting a little... old to be in a boy band.\nRandy: I'm 19.\nMr. Allens: Get a life, Marsh! [the Ghetto Avenue Boys turn around and walk out the door] Alright, guys, let's take it from the top.\nRandy: They said that after all the money we had made we were in debt to the studio, so they towed my car...\nTow Truck Driver: [wearing a \"Tacos\" hat] See ya. [tows a blue sports car away]\nRandy: ...the women all left...\nWomen: See ya. [the women pour out of bed and leave]\nRandy: ...and they took back my house.\nRandy: [gets kicked out of the house] Ugh..! [the producer stands at the French doors]\nMr. Allens: See ya. [Randy gets up and walks away]\nRandy: The only thing I could do was come back to Colorado, and face everyone that I had abandoned.\nWoman: Hey! Weren't you the guy in that stupid boy band, the Ghetto Avenue Boys?\nMan: Sure, I remember you! [starts mocking] You got it, baby... You got it, baby [he and the others begin to laugh, and it soon gets overwhelming. Randy looks around, scared. The flashback ends]\nRandy: [voice full of emotion] And so you see, Stanley, I... do know what I'm talking about.\nStan: Jesus Christ. ...I never knew.\nRandy: I didn't want you to know. Because now I'm a joke. Ever since then, I've wished every single day that I could go back to that moment when I was offered the job and say, \"No!\" Because all the fame and the money, the women... All it did was build me up, so that I could be knocked down harder than anybody in the world. [Stan is listening] That is what being in a boy band is all about, Stanley. [bitterness creeps in] It's people smothering you and embracing you and loving you and then spitting you out and throwing you away like you were last night's pork chops. Now we wander the Earth in disarray-us, New Kids on the Block, the Osmonds... We're all the same. And that... is why you can't go to the mall. [walks off]\nStan: [left with his thoughts] ...Oh-kay.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, afternoon. Most of Fingerbang is on the plaza stage, peeking out from behind a curtain with the band's name on it. People begin to gather in front of the stage.\nKyle: Wow. There must be at least 20 people out there. [the band regroups]\nCartman: Where the hell is Stan?!\nKyle: He'll be here. Stan wouldn't douche.\nCartman: I swear to God, if he ruins this dream of mine I will have his nuts!\nManager: [approaches] Hey. Uh, are you gonna do that thing or what?\nCartman: Yes. Yes, sir, any second-we're just waiting on one more member.\nManager: Well hurry up. I can't keep the sausage and cheese cart off this spot much longer. [the cart is shown with Swiss cheese and sausage, and a pissed-off vendor]\nCartman: Yeah. We'll start right away. [the manager walks away. Cartman turns to Kyle] We'll have to do it without him.\nKyle: Hell no! I'm not being part of a four-member boy band! We'll look stupid!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nCartman: Oh, god-dammit!\nScene Description: Marsh residence, later. Randy is sitting at the foot of his bed, reading from an issue of Teen Heat dedicated to the band. The camera zooms out from the magazine cover to Randy reading\nStan: [enters] Dad?\nRandy: Huh? Yeah?\nStan: Well... I just wanted to tell you... that I don't think you're a joke. I mean, whatever you used to be, you're just my dad. And you're the best dad I've ever had.\nRandy: [thinks, then lowers the magazine] Come here, Stanley. [Stan approaches and sits next to his dad] Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you from joining a boy band without explaining why. I've made some mistakes in my life, and now... I have to let you make your own mistakes.\nStan: Yeah.\nRandy: You know, in a way, I think I was even jealous of you being in a boy band. Isn't that stupid?\nStan: Not really. Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.\nRandy: Well, come on. I'll drive you down to the mall.\nStan: Really?\nRandy: Yeah. I wanna see what you guys can do. And then we'll go buy you a small toy so that you can forget all about this.\nStan: Alright! [father and son get up and leave the bedroom. Randy tosses his magazine aside]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, afternoon. Everyone is waiting for Fingerbang to sing\nMan: What's happening here?\nWoman: I don't know, uh. I guess nothing.\nMan: Hm... Well, let's just walk away then. [man and woman leave]\nCartman: God dammit! People are walking away! [drops back behind the curtain]\nManager: [arrives again] Alright, kids, uh, that does it. You're gonna have to move and make way for the sausage and cheese cart.\nCartman: Just another minute.\nManager: Sorry. Get out! [the band members walk sullenly away]\nCartman: [stops and looks up] Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Hyeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.\nWendy: [rushes up to Cartman and points] What's that? [a grinning Randy and Stan arrive in an elevator]\nKyle: It's Stan! [the other members have returned]\nCartman: Oh, thank you God! Oh, praise his name! [walks off smiling as Stan arrives]\nKyle: Dude, where the hell have you been?!\nCartman: [approaches the manager] Sir! We're all here now! Can we go on, please?\nManager: Who? Well. Okay, I guess. But hurry up.\nCartman: We will! [moves to the front of the stage and addresses the audience] Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to witness the next great boy band of the country! Someday you will all be among those who can say, \"I saw Fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall.\" [the manager takes offense] And so, without further ado, all five members of the...\nKenny: [while Cartman talks] (Uff-!) [an elevator crushes him and Cartman stops. Everyone around, including Cartman, is stunned. The doors open and the occupants exit]\nStan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastards!\nCartman: [traumatized] No! He can't be dead!\nKyle: Dude, he's pretty dead.\nCartman: No! We were so close!\nManager: Alright, that's it, kids. Get out!\nCartman: But we have to perform!\nKyle: We don't have a fifth member, Cartman!\nStan: Oh, yes we do.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, later. The stage is set, the intro begins\nCartman: Thank you all for your patience, and now get ready for Fingerbang!\nFingerbang: [the new fifth member: Randy] Fingerbang! Bang bang [audience members look at each other] Fingerbang-bang! Bangbangbang [people begin to leave] I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright [Janitors wearing face masks scrape Kenny's remains off the elevator] 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight [the veteran mall guard swivels his hips around happily as the rookie looks on] I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y night [Cartman: I'll just...] Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night!\nCartman: Chuh! [only four shoppers remain to clap for them] Yes! Yes! Thank you, yes!\nScene Description: South Park Mall, later. Janitors continue cleaning the elevator that crushed Kenny, the sausage and cheese cart is rolled back on stage, and Fingerbang sits on the edge of the stage, dropping pieces of their costumes into the pit below\nKyle: We made two dollars.\nStan: You were great, Dad.\nRandy: Yeah. I guess I still got it in me a little.\nLittle Girl: Can I get your autograph?\nCartman: Ok-Okay, okay.\nVeteran guard: [arrives with the rookie and moves the girl aside] Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am.\nLittle Girl: [looks at the guard] I actually don't really know who they are, I was just getting an autograph and- [the veteran guard sprays her with pepper] A-a-agg-g-ggh!\nVeteran guard: Move along, ma'am. [the little girl runs off stage] Eh, that was pretty good, kids. Maybe you can come perform at my Elks Club sometime.\nCartman: Okay, yeah, maybe. [the mall cops walk away] God..! Now it's like everybody wants a piece of us.\nKyle: Yeah.\nCartman: I don't know if I can handle all this fame. I mean, I always thought I'd wanna become famous, but now that I am, I don't know if I like it. I mean, I probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people goin', \"Oh my God, it's the Fingerbang guy! Oh my God!\"\nKyle: ...Yeah. That's gonna suck.\nStan: Yeah. I just wanna be a normal kid again. Have a normal life and appreciate what I have.\nRandy: [looks at Stan and pats him on the back] Well, I think you boys are very smart for your age. Come on. I'll buy you all an orange smoothie. [gets up and moves off the stage]\nStan: I don't think they sell those anymore. [gets up and follows his dad off; Wendy gets up and follows him]\nKyle: Hey, Cartman, do you think God's getting mad at you for not making $10 million? [gets up and follows the others off the stage. Cartman gets up and follows him]\nCartman: Aw, screw God. I'm not scared o' him. He's a pussy. [the stage is empty now, but Cartman returns and looks up] You know I'm just kiddin', right? Heheyeah. [turns and walks off again]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, the church, day. The congregation is heard singing along with an organ. Inside, the town has assembled for services\nCongregation: I walk hand-in-hand with Jesus Over at the park by where he lives I tell him all my problems [the cantor is shown at the pulpit] And sometimes he tells me his What a friend I have in Jesus [Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are shown] I can say that honestly [other townsfolk are shown] He's not like all my other friends Who really don't care about me. Amen.\nStan: [to Kenny] Bo-ring.\nCantor: And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46. [steps out of the way]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, God is our refuge and strength, m'kay. A very present help in trouble, m'kay. [Cartman starts talking to Stan and Kenny] Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea...\nCartman: [as Mackey speaks] Hey, you guys, you wanna know what my favorite psalm is? \"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation. [Stan and Kenny begin to laugh] This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.\" [stops]\nMr. Mackey: God is in the midst of her, m'kay. She shall not be moved, m'kay. [Stan resumes conversing with the other two] Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, m'kay, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof, m'kay. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place- [interrupted by the priest]\nStan: [as Mackey speaks] Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. \"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's...\"\nCartman: \"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation [Stan and Kenny begin to laugh] to increase the population of the younger generation.\"\nKenny: (It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's operation-)\nCartman: No no, no. Separation.\nStan: \"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's-\"\nPriest Maxi: BOYS! You are in CHURCH! [Liane raises her arm and slaps Cartman across the back.]\nCartman: [falls off the pew and onto the floor] Ugh!\nMr. Mackey: -m'kay. The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay. [walks from the pulpit back to his seat. The priest replaces him]\nPriest Maxi: Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone. Today, we're going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid] Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over. [the camera begins to descend through the floor, past the foundation, several layers of dirt, a sewage pipe...] If you be cast down into this black bog of stench, then woe is thou, [...more layers of dirt and some fossils...] for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe! [...and finally, an inferno full of skulls] And he will be your ruler! [the camera stops at this sign: \"Welcome to Hell\"] Your ruler of pain and agony!\nScene Description: Hell. Music is heard, and the camera pans right, past this sign: \"Don't Forget! IT'S LUAU SUNDAY!!!\"\nSingers:: Are we going to the Hukilau? The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Satan joins them] Are we going to the Hukilau? The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Jerry Garcia is seen] Everybody loves a hukilau-\nGene Siskel: I do!\nSingers: Where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau [A monster band plays] We throw our nets out into the sea [Satan does throw out a net] And all the ama-ama come swimmin' to me [two demons retrieve the net, with fish in it] Are we going to the Hukilau? The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?\nHula Dancers: Are we going to the Hukilau?\nMen: The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?\nHula Dancers: Everybody loves a Hukilau,[a hula dancer's head falls off]\nSingers: Where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau[Three other tortured souls watch as Satan and George Burns meet at the spit and Satan roasts the man attached]\nAll: 'We throw our nets out into the sea. [Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin motion for the nets to be dropped] And all the ama-ama come a-swimming to me [The demons harvest the catch, Tiny Tim surfs and plays his ukulele] Are we going to the Hukilau? [A three-person band of monsters sings and plays, then a group shot of Satan and others] The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? Huki... Luki... Lau?... [the camera pulls back to show everyone. An Aloha sign appears above.]\nSatan: Yeah!\nDemon: Hennnh! [bites a damned soul]\nMan: Aaawwwwwww! [the others laugh]\nGary: Great luau, Satan.\nSatan: Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'. Oh- Hi, Marsha.\nWalter: Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound some brews. You wanna join us?\nSatan: Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I can't. Chris and I just moved to the west side and we have to unpack.\nWalter: Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!\nSatan: Bye.\nScene Description: Hell, a marina. Boats, yachts, and one big ship are docked on the liquid lava below. A complex of buildings is shown. A woman somewhere screams. At the main entrance the sign reads, \"RIVER STYX CONDOMINIUMS. UNITS STILL AVAILABLE.\" Inside his condo, Satan sets up a ceramic doll display and hums a bit\nSatan: Chris?\nChris: [off-screen] Yeah?\nSatan: Did you, uh, see my \"Boy With An Umbrella\" Hummel?\nChris: Uuh, no, but there's still some boxes coming from the movers.\nSatan: Oh, okay, thanks. [the doorbell rings.] Oh, that must be them now. [goes to answer the door, and opens it] Just put the boxes by the-\nSaddam: Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]\nSatan: [stunned] Saddam...\nSaddam: [cuddly] Did you miss me, buttercup?\nSatan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!\nSaddam: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go? Detroit?\nSatan: Oh no. [looks up] Oh, God no.\nScene Description: South Park, the church, day. Priest Maxi finishes his sermon. Fear is shown across the faces of many of the congregants\nPriest Maxi: A place of everlasting agony and pain! Hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept Christ! [Stan grits his teeth, Cartman's jaw drops, Kenny trembles a little] Children in this town have not been attending Sunday school after Mass! And adults have not been coming to Confession! If this does not change, I promise you, you will be going to the black pit of Satan's world! [Cartman grits his teeth] That is all. Peace be with you. [congregants rise and file out of church. Randy and Sharon Marsh are the last two adults out]\nRandy: Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon.\nSharon: Yeah. [Stan, Cartman, and Kenny run up to them from behind]\nStan: Mom, wuh we're staying for Sunday school.\nSharon: [she, Liane, and Randy spin around] What?\nStan: We have to go to Sunday school so we don't burn! [turns around, runs to the altar, and turns right. Kenny follows him]\nCartman: Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom. [runs out after the other two.]\nRandy: Oh, now look at that. They're scared to death.\nPriest Maxi: [comes up behind them] Hell is a very real place, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!\nScene Description: The wretched lake of fire - I mean, Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's front door. Satan has taken refuge behind the door and peeks out\nSaddam: Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can talk.\nSatan: I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! This isn't what I need in my life right now.\nChris: [peeks out from another room] Is that the movers, Satan?\nSatan: [hides his disdain] Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers\nChris: Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin' their check on the counter. [disappears]\nSatan: Okay, Chris.\nSaddam: Satan, look: I know our relationship wasn't perfect. Okay? I know that. I was too busy tryin' to take over the world to give you what you needed. But I've changed, Satan. [flashes his charm]\nSatan: [sarcastically] Oh, why, I haven't heard that one before.\nSaddam: COME ON, can't we just go out for a burrito? [Satan thinks about it. Saddam appears dressed for a fiesta and shakes the maracas around] ¡Me gusta burrito mucho!\nSatan: I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.\nSaddam: Who?? Screw 'im! He can't pound your ass like I can!\nSatan: Good-bye, Saddam!\nSaddam: Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan, you can't deny what's between us. [pats his hair] You can try, but you know we belong together.\nSatan: My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats me well. You and I are through. Good-bye. [closes the door, sighs, and walks off to his left, past a window]\nSaddam: [pops up outside the window] Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break! [Satan looks, then lowers the blinds, and continues walking]\nScene Description: South Park, the church, day. Sunday school is in session, apparently at the church basement. A nun and eleven children sit around a table. Clockwise: the nun, a blonde girl, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Bebe, Tweek, and a blond boy. A Twister game in on one side of the room, a bicycle on the other\nNun: Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne. And I'll be teaching you so that you can all receive your First Communion.\nStan: [quite afraid] Are we gonna go to hell?\nSister Anne: Well, hopefully not. That's why you're gonna need to receive Communion.\nCartman: A- And as long as we get this Communion thing, we're safe?\nStan: What if we haven't really done anything that horribly bad in our lives.\nCartman: Yeah, what if we haven't?\nSister Anne: It doesn't matter, because we are all born with Original Sin. Now, let me explain how Communion works. [brings out a golden dish with round wafers on it] The priest will give you this round cracker, [lifts up and displays a wafer] and he will say, \"The Body of Christ,\" and then you eat it. [silence]\nCartman: Jesus was made of crackers?\nSister Anne: No.\nStan: But crackers are his- body.\nSister Anne: Yes.\nKenny: [thinks a while, then] (What?!)\nSister Anne: In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, \"eat this, for it is my body.\"\nCartman: So wwe won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.\nSister Anne: Nononono!\nButters: Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?\nSister Anne: The Body of Christ! [confused faces all around]\nStan: Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.\nSister Anne: No!\nStan: No??\nButters: Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.\nSister Anne: Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!\nKenny, Stan, Cartman: O-kay.\nSister Anne: And then, you will drink a very small amount of wine, for that, is the Blood of Christ.\nCartman: [unconvinced, closes his Bible] Aw, come on now, this is just getting silly! [rests his head on his left hand]\nSister Anne: Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!\nCartman: [startled] Nno!\nSister Anne: Then stop questioning me.\nCartman: But now we can have Communion and not go to hell, right?\nSister Anne: No. Because before you can take your first Communion, you have to have your first Confession.\nStan: Confession? [Kenny snaps to attention, jarring music plays in the background]\nSister Anne: You'll be getting in the Confession box with a priest and confessing all your sins, so that God can forgive you. You kids will all have to go to your first Confession this Tuesday, so I want you all to go home tonight and think long and hard about all your sins, so that you can tell the priest everything. [All the kids look towards Stan Kenny and Cartman, who's faces are stricken with fear]\nKenny: (OH, SHIT!)\nScene Description: Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's kitchen. He and Chris are washing dishes. He soaks, Chris rinses\nChris: Those were some great pork chops, Satan.\nSatan: Yeah.\nChris: Hey, you. [puts a dish away] You've been actin' strange all night. What's up?\nSatan: [jittery] Nothing. Why?\nChris: Well, it's... just that you've washed that same dish seven times now, silly.\nSatan: [sheepish] Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh. [holds a plate in his hands, then gives it to Chris]\nChris: [puts it away] Come on, Satan. You know you can tell me anything. What's up?\nSatan: Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.\nChris: [stung] Oh. [thinks] Woww! [sighs] I wasn't ready for that.\nSatan: He showed up spouting all kinds of things about how he's changed and he still loves me...\nChris: I thought you... killed him.\nSatan: Yeah, well, where was he gonna go? Detroit?\nChris: ...Do you still love him?\nSatan: No, Chris.\nChris: It's okay of you do.\nSatan: Well, I mean- [sighs] Of course, there's a part of me that will always love him, I... But I also know how abusive he was-I'm much happier with you.\nChris: Well, you know what I think we should do? I think we should all get together and just talk, like adults.\nSatan: What?\nChris: We're all grown men here, Satan. I wanna just go meet this guy.\nSatan: No, Chris, you don't understand. Saddam is fucking crazy.\nChris: Oh, I know he's got the whole bad-boy thing going. But I think that's what you were attracted to. But I can be a pretty rough tumbler myself. [tosses a plate into the air. It falls onto the floor and breaks up, startling him] Oops! [bends down to pick up the pieces.] Aw, butternuts! [Satan just glances away]\nScene Description: South Park, curbside. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are seated there. Cartman has pen and notebook in hand\nStan: Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days.\nCartman: Oh yeah, okay.\nStan: And thennn there was the time we held that little first-grader down and farted on him for 28 minutes.\nCartman: Right, I already got that one.\nKyle: [stops by] Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?\nStan: We're trying to remember all our sins. Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins or else we're gonna go to hell.\nKyle: Uhwuwhat?\nStan: Have you confessed all your sins yet?\nKyle: No-o-o-o-o!\nCartman: Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to confess his sins.\nKyle: Oh good. I don't?\nCartman: No, you're already going to hell.\nKyle: I am not!\nCartman: You are, too!\nStan: Dude, this lady told us if you don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period.\nKyle: I'm gonna go ask my mom! [walks away]\nStan: Now, let's see. What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?\nCartman: Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.\nKenny: (What?)\nButters: [rushes in with Timmy and Token] Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we just thought of somethin'!\nStan: What, Butters?\nButters: Uhwell, uh what about the handicapped kid, uh-Timmy?\nTimmy: Timmiih!\nCartman: What'd we do to Timmy?\nButters: No! I mean, poor Timmy's gonna go to hell! He can't confess his sins, 'cause all he can say is his name!\nTimmy: Timmiih!\nCartman: Oh yeah, you're right. I guess Timmy's pretty screwed.\nStan: Oh man, we can't let Timmy go to hell. We have to do something.\nKenny: (What are we gonna do?)\nStan: I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna do.\nScene Description: Hell. Satan sits on a boulder with four demons and a small monster off to his left\nSatan: [pensive] I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't deny my feelings for Saddam, but... my life is so much better now with Chris. [the monster gives him some commentary in gibberish] Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect in every way, but there's just something about Saddam that I'm more attracted to. [the monster makes a suggestion] In what way? [the monster tells him] Yeah, you're right. Saddam would just treat me bad again. I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam. Put him out of my mind and focus on Chris. If I don't see Saddam, then I won't have such strong feelings for him. Thanks guys. [turns right to walk away]\nChris: [arrives] There you are.\nSatan: [turns right] Oh hi, Chris!\nChris: I've been lookin' all over for you. I have to tell you somethin' that might make you... a little mad.\nSatan: What?\nChris: Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited him over for dinner tonight.\nSatan: You WHAT?!\nChris: I just think we all need to get this out in the open.\nSatan: Oh, Chris! Rraarr! [raises his arms in fury and points his right hand away. Lightning comes out from his index finger and scorches a tree.] Rraahh! [points his left hand away. Lightning comes out from his index finger and scorches the aboriginal monster he was talking with earlier.]\nChris: [walks up to Satan] Come on, Satan. We're all adults here. He was an important person in your life, for better or for worse. So, I wanna know him. If he sees that I'ma real person too, then... well, maybe he'll see how happy we are together.\nSatan: No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is what he'll do!\nChris: Satan, we're not in junior high school anymore.\nSatan: [incredulous] Oh, dear God. [slaps his hand to his face]\nScene Description: South Park, the church. Stan sits on a bench praying. A confession box stands nearby with two doors, one of which is open. Apparently, he's already confessed his sins.\nStan: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art though amongst wo-\nCartman: [approaches] How was it?\nStan: Uh- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!\nCartman: Huh?\nStan: The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.\nCartman: Who's in there?\nStan: I don't know. You can't see him; it's just some anonymous guy.\nCartman: Well, here goes everything. [walks to the penitent side of the confession box and enters.]\nScene Description: The confessional, inside. Cartman sits and faces the partition.\nCartman: [hesitantly] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.\nPriest Maxi: [in the confessor's side] Blessed art thou, child. Now, what do you have to confess?\nCartman: Well, let's see. I'd like to start, if I may, back when I was two and a half. It was a cold April morning, and the dew on the grass was frozen, like tiny beads of glass...\nScene Description: The church, inside, next to the confessional. Stan continues his prayers\nStan: ...Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Ble-\nKenny: [arrives] (Hey, dude.)\nStan: God damnit!\nKenny: (What??)\nStan: [notices someone and points] Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've got to ask her about Timmy. [he and Kenny walk over to her. She's kneeling before a table of candles and a portrait of Jesus] Sister Anne?\nSister Anne: Oh, hello, children.\nStan: We have a question.\nSister Anne: [rises] Okay, shoot.\nStan: Where do handicapped people go when they die?\nSister Anne: [thinks a moment, then] The handicapped are just people like you and me, so the same rules apply. They need to be baptized, take Communion, and confess their sins.\nStan: But our friend Timmy can't really talk. All he can do is say his own name, so he can't really confess his sins. So is he goin' to go to hell?\nSister Anne: Uugh. This really isn't a question for me, it's for the priest. [begins to hurry away] I'll see if I can find him. Bye. [Stan and Kenny look at each other]\nScene Description: The confessional, inside. Cartman goes through his extensive list of sins\nCartman: And that was about everything from first grade. Then last year, well, you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?\nPriest Maxi: Your [clears his throat] con- confession does not leave this box.\nCartman: Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.\nPriest Maxi: [guarded] Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he would forgive you if he knew.\nCartman: No, but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it. [Cartman looks up for a response, but nothing happens]\nPriest Maxi: [after a pause] I... see.\nCartman: Yeah, and then this other time, I went pee-pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. [the priest grows more concerned and his jaw drops] And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went-... number two on the sidewalk and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog. [Priest Maxi's worry has turned to anger he's trying to contain] And so the priest got find like a hundred dollars for not cleaning it up. And then this one time, I put super glue all over the priest's bottle of- [an arm tears through the partition and grabs Cartman by the throat] -eh- Ow! [throttles him back and forth] D'ow! Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! [the priest pulls him up into the partition a few times] Eh! Oh! Help. [The confession box rocks back and forth] Oh! Somebody help! God damnit! Let me out of here!\nSister Anne: [arrives and knocks on the priest's door as Cartman screams] Father! I need to talk to you. Father! [an angry Priest Maxi exits the box] I have to ask you a question.\nPriest Maxi: Okayokay, fine! [walks away with Sister Anne]\nCartman: [the door opens and he falls to the floor] Uh-huh- [Stan and Kenny rush up] Oho! Ohoho.\nStan: What happened??\nCartman: I felt it, you guys. I felt the angry hands of God. [Stan and Kenny get afraid] He is an angry God, you guys. We all have to start taking this very seriously.\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. The doorbell rings at Satan and Chris's condo. Chris walks to the door and opens it\nChris: Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.\nSaddam: And you must be Mr. Assface. [cocks his head in an open grin] Just kidding. You're Chris, right? Thanks for inviting me to dinner, guy. [reaches into his coat] Here, I brought you a potato. [hands him a baked potato still wrapped in aluminum foil]\nChris: [takes the potato] Oh, thank you.\nSatan: [sees this and rushes up to Chris] Chris, no! It's a bomb! [takes the potato and chucks it clear of the condo]\nChris: Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?\nSaddam: Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all here to act like adults, right? [the potato explodes in a manner that reveals it was a bomb after all] Oh, gee. I guess I must've overcooked it. [chuckles]\nChris: Well, come on in. Dinner's just about ready.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Sheila and Gerald sit on the living room sofa, and Ike reads from a book between them\nIke: behayin' glah, and the he find de eye. [reads from \"Cannery Row\" by John Steinbeck]\nGerald: Very good, Ike. That's two John Steinbeck books in one day.\nIke: Cookie monstooh.\nSheila: [affectionately] Oh, he's growing up so fast! [a door opens and closes]\nKyle: [rushes into the room] Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?\nSheila: Why? What did you do, Kyle?!\nKyle: Nothing. But the guys said if I don't confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to hell.\nSheila: Oh noooo, that's just Catholics. Us Jews don't believe in hell.\nKyle: We don't? But what if we're wrong?\nSheila: Well..., Kyle..., they could be wrong, too.\nKyle: Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal. If we're wrong, we burn in hell.\nIke: Oh, no.\nGerald: Kyle, it's all about being a good person now! You see, Christians use hell as a way to scare people into believing what they believe. But to believe in something just because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't believe in something is no reason to believe in something. Understand?\nIke: No-o-o.\nKyle: Well, you guys can do what you want! I'm going down to that church to confess my sins and eat crackers! And I'm taking Ike with me! [goes up to him and takes him away towards the front door. The book falls to the floor]\nSheila: Kyle!\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner has been served. Saddam, Satan, and Chris sit at a round table, eating. Satan sits between the other two.\nChris: So Saddam. Satan told me all about how you guys almost took over the world once.\nSaddam: Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What the hell is this crap we're eating, anyway?\nSatan: It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris was a nutritionist before he died.\nSaddam: Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell me, Chris. How is it that you died?\nChris: Oh, well I, I actually slipped down an escalator, in a mall. Those things can be pretty sketchy.\nSaddam: An escalator? What kind of pussy way of dying is that?!\nChris: L-look, Saddam, I know that you and Satan had a relationship [Saddam reaches down to stroke Satan's right leg] And I just want you to know [Satan swats Saddam's arm away] that I'm totally okay with you guys staying friends.\nSaddam: Uh huh.\nChris: I think it's important to stay friends with people you've had relationships with. [Saddam tries twice more with Satan, but Satan keeps swatting Saddam's arm off] And I know that Satan and my relationship is strong enough that it can handle anything. [looks up to Satan] Right? [a tormented Satan looks down at a grinning Saddam, who is still stroking his leg] Right.\nScene Description: The church, day. The rectory. Sister Anne, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny wait for Priest Maxi at his desk. On one side of the desk is a tray with holders that say, \"The LORD Giveth\" and \"The LORD Taketh\"\nSister Anne: Father, the children asked me about their handicapped friend. I wanna explain to them that he's fine.\nPriest Maxi: Well, has your friend ever confessed or been baptized?\nStan: I don't think so.\nPriest Maxi: Then, hell awaits him.\nSister Anne: Father, these boys are really worried because they think they have to-\nPriest Maxi: They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!\nSister Anne: Yes, but-\nKyle: [rushes in with Ike in tow] Mister Father! [Sister Anne looks back at him] We have to ask you something.\nPriest Maxi: Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?\nKyle: Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to hell?\nPriest Maxi: Well, young man, you can rest assured that according to Matthew 25, when you die you will stand before God and he will will say, \"Depart from me, you cursèd, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.\" Yes! As a Jew, your home will be the lake of fire.\nIke: [hiding behind a frightened Kyle] Oh no.\nSister Anne: Father-\nPriest Maxi: I hope to see all of you in church this Sunday.\nStan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny: We will be. [the boys turn and walk out with Ike. Priest Maxi gloats]\nSister Anne: [concerned] Father, I don't know if I agree fully with what you're saying. I think that as long as Jewish people are good, they will get into heaven.\nPriest Maxi: Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior. I mean, if you don't go to hell for crucifying the Savior, then what the hell do you go to hell for?!\nScene Description: The church, day. The boys stand in front of the candle table Sister Anne prayed at earlier\nKyle: [breathless] Stan! You've got to help us become good Christians. Please.\nStan: Alrightalrightalright. You heard the priest: the first thing we have to do is get you guys all baptized. Come on. [the boys exit]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Timmy, Kyle, and Ike stand in a row as a hose splashes on each one for a few seconds. Cartman is the one doing the spraying while Stan and Kenny watch from the steps\nStan: Okay, you'd better baptize Kyle some more.\nCartman: [points the hose at Kyle] Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!\nKyle: HAAAAH!\nCartman: Turn around so I can clean out your ass.\nStan: Cartman!\nCartman: What?\nStan: Dude, you just said \"ass\"! That's a sin!\nCartman: Oh, now you've said it, too!\nStan: Oh, shit! [covers his mouth with his gloves.] Oh!\nKenny: (Fuck! Oops!) [covers his own mouth]\nCartman: Aw, dude, we've gotta go back to church and confess again.\nStan: But what about them?\nCartman: Ugh. Oh, I know. [runs away, but returns with an attachment] We can use Wacky Water Weasel! [sets everything up, and the Weasel sets to work spraying Timmy, Kyle, and Ike.]\nTimmy: Haaaaah!\nStan: Okay, come on. [he, Cartman, and Kenny leave]\nTimmy: Haaa-ay, Timmmiih!\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner is over. Chris collects the dishes\nChris: Hoof. Well, I don't know about you guys, but all that ginger made me tired.\nSaddam: Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back. [leaves the table]\nSatan: Good. I'll show you out.\nChris: Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe walk back!\nSaddam: Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and twigs and stuff. [Satan shows him out; he faces Satan] Satan, that guy is a pussy!\nSatan: He's stable, Saddam!\nSaddam: Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!\nSatan: Having stability in your life is a great thing! You should try it!\nSaddam: For some people, maybe. But you like excitement. I know you, Satan. [grins]\nSatan: I'm very happy with my life now.\nSaddam: Here. [slips a key into Satan's hand] I'm at the bargain hotel on Monte Vista. Room 16.\nSatan: No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!\nSaddam: D'oh, I know you won't. But just keep it, just in case. It was good seeing you again, Satan. Goodnight. [to Chris, still inside the condo] Goodnight, pussy! I mean, Chris!\nChris: [off screen] Goodnight [Satan looks torn]\nScene Description: Rome, St. Peter's Square. A phone rings somewhere and someone answers\nVoice: Hello. Your Excellency? [the scene switches to the church in South Park. The voice is Sister Anne's] This is Sister Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling from the United States?\nSecretary: Yes, I understand you want to speak-a wit the pope.\nSister Anne: Yes. The priest here has been telling the children some pretty radical things, and I just wanted to see what the Church thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.\nSecretary: Yes, well the pope is here, but please keep it brief. He is a-very old. [the secretary hands the phone over to the pope, who is seated in a throne inside a tiny temple at one end of the cathedral]\nThe Pope: Heh??\nSister Anne: Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you about people with mental disabilities.\nThe Pope: Heh?\nSister Anne: Do mentally-challenged people go to hell?\nThe Pope: [soft] Ehhhhh, what's that you say? [loud] Heh?!\nSister Anne: [enunciates] Handicap. Mental handicap.\nThe Pope: [flaps his lips around with his tongue] Fibibiibibibibiibibih.\nSister Anne: [waits, then] ...The priest here said that people with mental handicaps might end up in hell. Is that true?\nThe Pope: [snores, then] Eh-bibibiibibibibiibibibih. [Sister Anne says nothing.]\nScene Description: South Park Avenue, day. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are at a crosswalk waiting for the light to turn green\nStan: Come on! This stupid light won't change.\nToken: [arrives, followed by Butters, Clyde, and Bebe] Come on! Hurry up! [sees the other three boys] Hey, what are you guys doin'?\nStan: We're goin' to church. We've sinned and so we have to confess again.\nButters: Uh us too. Uh we saw a picture of a naked lady. We could see her whole beaver.\nClyde: Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have unclean souls and we'd burn in hell. [the crosswalk light turns green]\nStan: Uh, come on, let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but...]\nKenny: (Yow!) [a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]\nStan: [finally reacts, shrilly] ...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nButters: He had sins that he didn't confess!\nCartman: And he never took Communion!\nStan: He's doomed.\nClyde: ...We've gotta get to that church before we die.\nCartman: Yeah. [the kids make their way slowly across the street]\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums, night. Satan and Chris are in bed in the dark. Chris is trying to arouse Satan, but Satan doesn't move\nChris: [grabbing Satan's privates] Yeah. [moves up to Satan's left shoulder] That's hot. [then to the right one] You take it! [Satan turns on the lights as Chris makes his way down to his crotch] You take it now!\nSatan: Chris, what are you doing?\nChris: I'm just... I'm just trying to be a little more naughty in bed. I uh... I know that's what you like about sex with Saddam. I'm just... showin' you that I can be that way, too.\nSatan: Oh boy.\nChris: [resumes his naughtiness] Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't you, bitch? [Satan begins to grimace] I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take that.\nSatan: Chris, just... don't... don't do that.\nChris: But it turns you on.\nSatan: No, it's a- When Saddam did it, yeah, but uh...\nChris: But what?\nSatan: Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep? [Chris looks let down] Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?\nChris: [closes his eyes] Okay. I love you, Satan.\nSatan: I love you too, Saddam.\nSatan, Chris: [immediately react] Wuh?!\nSatan: Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris. [grimaces]\nChris: It's okay. It's okay. I, uh, I, I understand. ...I do.\nSatan: I just need to go get some air. okay? I'll be back... really quick. [gets out of bed and leaves]\nChris: Yeah. Sure. Okay.\nScene Description: South Park, the church, day. The kids race towards the church\nCartman: Come on, hurry up! [Stan reaches the door]\nStan: [tries to open it] Oh no! It's locked!\nCartman: [moves in and tries to open it] What? No! It shouldn't be locked! We have to confess! We have to confess our sins before we die!\nButters: Hey, there's a window in the back that's usually open. [the kids go around to the back of the church, find the window, and climb in]\nStan: [sees something off to the side] Confession box is over there! [moves towards it]\nCartman: I'm first, I'm first! [trips Token and runs past Stan. Token quickly gets up and walks with the others. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]\nWoman: Oh, huhuh.\nCartman: [closes the door] What the? [opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins. The kids look back in horror, and his face changes]\nPriest Maxi: Whoa! [turns and faces the partition while zipping up his pants] Son of a bitch!\nWoman: [flits out of the penitent side] Eh, heheheheheheh.\nPriest Maxi: [exits] Uhuh. Kids, uh.\nStan: You're a sinner!\nCartman: You're doing unnatural things in the house of God!\nPriest Maxi: Oh! Huh huh. Huh huh. [drops to his knees and prays] Oh, forgive me, heavenly Father! I've sinned against you!\nCartman: Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!\nPriest Maxi: M-Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from hell! [begins to weep]\nStan: Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?\nCartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else in this town from the angry hand of God ourselves!\nScene Description: Hell. Satan walks down its streets\nDamned Soul: Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain! [Satan stops and looks at the key Saddam gave him. The handle looks like a coffin]\nSatan: [lowers the key] No, I can't. [in front of him is the Bargain Hotel] What am I doing? I know this is the wrong thing to do. I could lose Chris. I can't do this. [turns around and walks away] I can't do this. [stops and turns back]\nScene Description: South Park, day. A street corner. Cartman holds court on a soapbox. At least 17 other kids surround him. Some adults look at the action from across the street\nCartman: We have-uh repeatedly broken God's commandments-uh! We have lived our lives for ourselves-uh! Totally ignoring the Lord-uh! [Chef and Mr. Garrison arrive] If thy hand offend thee, cut it off! [Stan's parents and the nun are there] It is much better for thee to enter into life maimed-\nRandy: Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!\nCartman: \nSister Anne: [steps up] Oh no.\nCartman: \nStan: [passes out material] Pamphlet. Pamphlet. [from a child's view, the pamphlet is seen. It's called \"Kids Against Hell\" and has a quote from Ezekiel 5:10. It is soon lowered for a good shot at the growing crowd of kids at the street corner]\nCartman: There is only one answer! As kids we must abandon this town of sin and start anew!\nHeidi: I don't wanna to go to hell. [joins the kids, leaving her parents stunned]\nCartman: It will be a long road, but at the end of that road is Salvation! And I am going to lead you there!\nScene Description: End of Do The Handicapped Go To Hell? - To Be Continued..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: 'Recap:Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation\nAnnouncer: Previously on South Park...\nPriest Maxi: Today, we are going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid]\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door\nSaddam: Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]\nSatan: [stunned] Saddam...\nScene Description: Broflovski residence. Sheila and Kyle are talking\nSheila: Us Jews don't believe in hell.\nKyle: But what if we're wrong?\nScene Description: South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street\nStan: Let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]\nStan: [finally reacts, shrilly] ...they've killed Kenny!\nButters: He had sins that he didn't confess!\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away\nSatan: No, Saddam, I told you. I'm with Chris now.\nScene Description: Church rectory. Priest Maxi is talking to the boys\nPriest Maxi: Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are in bed\nChris: [closes his eyes] I love you, Satan.\nSatan: I love you too, Saddam.\nSatan/Chris: [immediately react] Wuh?!\nScene Description: Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham, Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait...\nRichie: Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis. [A buoy ring contains a shark, and a larger red buoy warns \"DANGER\" in white letters]\nFonzie: Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.\nScene Description: Church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition\nWoman: Oh, huhuh. [Cartman opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins]\nStan: Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?\nCartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!\nScene Description: Beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads \"GO FONZ!!!\"\nJoanie: Go Fonz!!!\nFonzie: Aaaaaa- [the image freezes in place, so that Fonzie is suspended in mid-air]\nAnnouncer: And now the exciting conclusion of... South Park.\nFonzie: [action resumes]-aaaaaayy-err. [lands inside the buoy ring; the shark catches and eats him live. The shark rises out of the water with Fonzie still in its mouth] No! [the shark drops and rises again] No! [...and again...] No! [a pool of blood develops inside the buoy ring] No!\nRichie: I told him he couldn't do it. [the other three on shore look on stunned]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids\nCartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-uh. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not live your life for Him-uh, then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh! [a group of adults gathers just outside the rear school doors. Kyle joins Cartman on the platform...]\nPrincipal Victoria: [\"'Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! Oh, praise His name!\"] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman. [\"But do you believe in the power of God?\"] Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.\nLiane: [gently calls out] Boopie-kins. [\"Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?\"] It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie. [Cartman stops]\nStan: [joins Cartman on the platform] Don't you guys, um... persecrute our religious beliefs.\nKids: Yeah!\nSharon: We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school.\nStan: What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.\nKyle: Yeah, this life is short. The afterlife is forever.\nPrincipal Victoria: Don't listen to them, kids. You have to go to school.\nCartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday, he was [throws himself down face-first] smacked down by the Lord-uh! [rises] God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell! So when will you go? Tomorrow? Ten years? Does it mattah?! No! Because unless you give this life to the Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh! [kids gasp, adults go glum] But we cannot worship God in that church where that priest of sin resides, [Kyle has left and now returns with an easel with a picture of a church on it] so we will build a new church-uh. With crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part hmya [near the top of the left-side wall] to this part hmya. [the grass down below] Who will help us?\nKids: [in unison] I will.\nCartman: Praise God-uh!\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the Bargain Hotel Saddam is in\nSatan: If I go spend the night with Saddam, then it's over between me and Chris. [looks at Saddam's room key] Chris has been so nice to me and I know Saddam will just hurt me again. [looks at it again] M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam. I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need closure. [advances to the hotel, to room 16, then turns around with second thoughts] What am I doing? [takes a step when the room door opens]\nSaddam: [in evening suit] What took yo so long, baby?\nSatan: [turns around] Saddam, I'm just here to talk.\nSaddam: Great! Let's talk! [Saddam enters. Saddam rushes to the bed and sits on it, stroking the covers] Hmm, this bed is comfy-bumpy.\nSatan: Saddam, I only came here because I need closure.\nSaddam: Sounds fun. You know me, I'll try anything.\nSatan: No! Saddam, listen to me.\nSaddam: Would you like a drink?\nSatan: Um, maybe just... a little one. [Saddam serves him a drink] I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore. [Satan turns on the TV and a video of a group of men is shown. A sheriff lowers his pants before a kneeling skinhead. Other men are singing, chanting, moaning] I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me. Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now. [just now notices the video] What is this?\nSaddam: These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.\nSatan: Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person. He's the one I wanna be with now.\nSaddam: [knowingly] Really? So then... What are you doing here? [Satan has no answer. He just looks down and away] Well, I don't know about you, but this video is gettin' me pretty hot!\nSatan: [hurt] Saddam...\nSaddam: Here, have another drink. [Satan takes it and swallows it down]\nScene Description: Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully\nSatan: [wakes up] Ooh, whoa... God, my head. Drank too much. [looks to his left] Chris? [the camera zooms out to show Saddam, dressed in leather straps, looking at him lovingly. Five different kinds of dildos and a whip are seen. Satan quickly sits up] Oh no!! [scans the room and sees more sex toys, including an auto club, an Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, a penis pump, and a goat tied to a lamp]\nSaddam: [snuggling up] Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles of vegetable oil! [tosses the last one off the bed.] Ewuh, I'm all greasy.\nSatan: [leaves the bed] Oh God, what time is it?\nSaddam: Last night was awesome! Are we together again now?\nSatan: I don't know. I-I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris.\nSaddam: Screw him!!\nSatan: No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation! [walks towards the door] I just don't know what I'm gonna say. [the door opens and closes. Satan is gone]\nSaddam: I know how to solve this little problem.\nScene Description: Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly to the right.\nDriver: [off-screen] We are now entering Ensenada, the second largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula. [the tour bus is seen making its way through Ensenada] We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving New York City. We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue onto its final destination. [two gas station attendants approach the bus. One of them notices something]\nAttendant: Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus. [\"Listen. There's something stuck under the bus.\"]\nDriver: 'Kay. What's stuck to the bottom of the bus? [the attendant takes his mop and jabs at the bottom of the bus, and Kenny finally drops down]\nKenny: (Ahow..!)\nDriver: Oh, goodness! We must have run over a little Mexican further up north. Is it okay? [Kenny sits up and shakes his dizziness off]\nAttendant: Pienso que sí. [\"I think so.\" Kenny stands up]\nDriver: Well, here's fifty for the gas. [starts the bus and drives off] Adios.\nKenny: (Where am I?)\nAttendant: ¿Qué?\nKenny: (Where am I?)\nAttendant: ¿Qué?\nScene Description: South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown, then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things, including mirrors for wall panels.\nCartman: This is bea-utiful. Thine church is almost completed.\nStan: There's no way God will want to send us to hell now.\nKyle: Yeah, this church kicks a- Eh... I-it kicks!\nGerald: [shows up with Sheila, behind the boys] Hello, boys. [they turn around]\nKyle: Don't try to take me away again, Mom and Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!\nSheila: It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away. [Stan, Cartman and Kyle look at each other, suspicious] Just really quick; she says it's very important.\nCartman: Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants. [the boys turn left and walk towards Cartman's house]\nSheila: I sure hope this works.\nScene Description: Cartman residence, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog from \"Not Without My Anus,\" set to an organ and canned laughter, is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys would forget their \"mission\" and just play for one afternoon. Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.\nLiane: Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered doughnut pancake surprise.\nStan: Wow, cool.\nCartman: No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, O temptress!\nLiane: What?\nCartman: This is a distraction from our work on the church! [grabs a doughnut] Do not think that you can tempt us with toys [takes a bite out of his doughnut] and new games [munches away] and tidings of powdered doughnut pancake surprise! For it is the afterlife we have concerned ourselves with! [finishes the doughnut off] Not the pleasures of this Earth, but salvation in the world aftah!!\nStan: Yeah!\nLiane: Oh. Well, [sets the dish on the sofa and walks away] alrighty then.\nScene Description: Kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents\nLiane: I... don't think it worked.\nAll: Aww.\nScene Description: Living room, moments later.\nCartman: Let us get back to our work at the church. [the phone rings] Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. [answers it] Hello?\nKenny: [from a pay phone next to Papas & Beer in Ensenada] (Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)\nCartman: [grins mischievously, then] Oh my God!!\nStan: What?\nCartman: It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond the grave!\nStan: Kenny?! [move towards the phone] What's he say?\nKyle: [moves next to Stan] Ask him what hell is like.\nCartman: Kenny! You have to tell us about hell! Give us every last horrible detail!\nKenny: (Um...) [mariachi music is heard, and the street is lively enough]\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan has returned, and is outside the door to his condo\nSatan: Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at me. Well, here it goes. [opens the door and enters. Chris is sitting alone on the sofa reading a book]\nChris: Hey, you.\nSatan: Hi, Chris. [closes the door]\nChris: You... were out all night.\nSatan: Yeah, I just... spent the night walking around the marina.\nChris: Satan. You know you're not a very good liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't you?\nSatan: [low voice] Yes. [covers his face in shame]\nChris: [approaches] Satan, I understand.\nSatan: [drops his left arm and looks surprised] What?\nChris: I still feel secure and safe with you.\nSatan: [walks away exasperated] Oh, n-no!\nChris: [puzzled] What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.\nSatan: I know.\nChris: Well, what more do you want from me?\nSatan: [turns around] Well... could you not be such a pussy about it? I mean, can't you just say \"If you ever see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!\" or, or \"I'm gonna go kick Saddam's ass!\" or something?\nChris: Satan, I'm a '90s man. I cry when I need to. I share my feelings and I keep my mind open about everything.\nSatan: Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous, go throw a football around, for Christ's sake.\nChris: [sits down on the sofa] Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.\nSatan: [turns away] Ah-I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not you, really, it's, it's me. [Saddam pops up outside the window and checks out the situation, then drops down] You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and for some reason, I just can't accept that. [Saddam slides the window open and drops in behind the sofa, making his way to Chris]\nSaddam: [pops up behind Chris with a dagger] Die, pussy! [rams it into Chris's forehead]\nChris: Agghhh!\nSatan: [turns around] Chris! [advances] Saddam, what the hell are you doing?!\nSaddam: [a dead Chris lies slumped against the sofa's arm] There. I got rid of the problem for you. Now there's no conflict.\nSatan: [distraught, buries his face in his hands] No! Not like this..!\nScene Description: South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple doors... His new followers are gathered inside\nCartman: [on stage wielding a Bible] Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh. [the kids gasp] It was our departed friend, Kenny! Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail-uh. [the kids are frightened] He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish.\nKids: Wagghh..!\nCartman: He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!\nKids: Whoa!\nCartman: And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores! But they all have the same little trinkets in them-eh!\nKids: Wagghh! [a couple enters the church]\nFather: Where is our daughter?\nHeidi: [steps into the aisle] Dad?\nFather: Marcy! You're coming home this instant!\nCartman: [quite animated, hops twice] We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, suh! [points]\nFather: You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!\nCartman: Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?!\nFather: [a piece of wood falls from the roof] You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that- [jab] Aagghh-! [the piece of wood falls off the man's head and rests behind him]\nMother: Stephen? [the kids are shocked; she genuflects next to him] Stephen, no!\nCartman: The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive us, Lord, for our sins-uh!\nKids: Forgive us, Lord.\nCartman: Let us pray. [an organ is played] Heavenly Father, do not send us to hell. We're sorry. Whatever we did, we're sorry.\nMother: [in a panic] Stephen? Stephen?\nScene Description: Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they are, and why\nStephen: Where... where am I?\nMan: Where are we?\nMan 2: No doubt about it...\nWoman: What's happening??\nMan 3: Oooooooooh!\nSpeaker: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everyb-? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about-\nMan 4: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!\nHell Director: Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.\nSoldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.\nHell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.\nMan 5: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?\nHell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.\nCrowd: [disappointed] Awww.\nHell Director: So now I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan.\nSatan: [appears in a burst of flame] Oooyeah!\nCrowd: Aaggghh!\nSatan: Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday in hell grows larger as my minions... my m-minions uh... [relents] muh, I'm sorry. I just can't do this today. I'm just... I'm sorry. [walks away. The crowd's eyes follow him. A woman throws her hands up]\nHell Director: Uh, okay. Thank you, Satan. Now, uh, let's begin with the Muslims...\nChris: [in the crowd] Satan! [Satan turns and sees him, then smiles. Chris makes his way through the crowd] 'Scuse me. Excuse me.\nSatan: Chris! [he and Chris now stand before each other] But I thought you were dead!\nChris: Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?\nSatan: Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab you in-\nChris: Hey, it's alright. All that matters is that I'm back, and we're together forever. Right?\nSatan: Uh... yeah. Gr-great.\nCrowd: Awww.\nScene Description: Cartman residence, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible\nCartman: Let's see... Matthew 15:11. \"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which comes out of the mouth defileth a man.\" That's a good one, Clyde Frog. Interesting. [Sister Anne approaches]\nLiane: [enters] Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you.\nCartman: Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister, but I must prepare for my next sermon. [Liane leaves]\nSister Anne: [sits] Eric, you need to stop what you're doing. You need to tell all the kids to go back to school, and back to their normal lives.\nCartman: Sister, have you read this book?\nSister Anne: Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.\nCartman: Then you know what it says happens to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.\nSister Anne: Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He wants people to live their lives.\nCartman: Are you saying that what the Bible says isn't true?\nSister Anne: No.\nCartman: We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest we've decided to save ourselves. The only ones that kids can trust now are me and Jesus! [resumes his work]\nSister Anne: [exasperated, drops her head in her hands] Uugh..! [lifts her head] Wait a minute. That's it. [rises and walks away]\nTelevangelist: [suddenly on TV] ...And I'm gonna save all of you right now. [raps a woman on the head. She goes unconscious] I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.\nCartman: Well...\nScene Description: Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and knocks on the door\nSaddam: Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!\nChris: Yeah. It's me.\nSaddam: I thought I killed you!\nChris: Yeah...\nSaddam/Chris: Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?\nSaddam: Right, right.\nChris: Do you have a couple of minutes to go for a walk?\nSaddam: A walk?\nChris: Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park or somethin'.\nSaddam: [considers it] Is this some kind of trick?\nChris: No, I just want you to go for a quick walk with me. Please?\nSaddam: Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin' real quick. [goes inside humming and reaches his dresser. He sees the dagger and takes it with him behind his back, then rejoins Chris] Okay, let's walk. [Chris walks while Saddam closes the door]\nScene Description: Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side\nChris: Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much.\nSaddam: Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When I stabbed you in the head?\nChris: Look, Satan is a very important person to me. And I know he's an important person to you, too. So don't you think it's best for us to just... try and get along? I realize that some things about me bother you. So I'd like to hear what those things are so that I can work on them.\nSaddam: You know why I don't like you, Chris? Because you're the kind of guy who, if someone didn't like him, would take him for a walk in the park and ask him why. You're a pussy! [takes his dagger out and slices into Chris's right shoulder]\nChris: Agghhh! [Saddam goes into a grave, takes out a shovel, and slices off Chris's lower right leg. Chris falls down] Oh God!\nSaddam: Ah hahaha!\nChris: Nooo! Agh! [reaches into his right shoulder, takes the dagger, and thrusts it into Saddam's left eye]\nSaddam: Aggghhh! [swings the shovel at Chris and strikes him down with it]\nChris: Ow! [Saddam jumps on him and pulls his heart out of his body] Goo-aagh..! [Saddam holds the heart high in the air, then collapses on top of Chris's body. The camera zooms out]\nScene Description: Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered again at the church. Organ music plays\nCartman: Today this Jewish boy and all sinners are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you believe in God-uh?\nKyle: Yes!\nCartman: Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!\nKyle: Yes!\nCartman: That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin' out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh! [smacks him on the face] Theah!\nKyle: [angrily] Ow! [rubs his right temple and cheek while Cartman talks]\nCartman: Praise God! How do you feel now? Do you feel the light of God inside o'ya?\nKyle: [softens] Uh, I think so.\nCartman: Praise the Lord-uh!\nCrowd: [ad lib all at once] Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Praise God! [two robed assistants help a happy Kyle off the stage]\nCartman: For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up the next person! [Timmy rolls up in his wheelchair] This boy has been crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God saying that this boy will walk!\nButters: Huh-Hallelujah!\nTimmy: Timmiiiy!\nCartman: We are gonna save you and you are gonna walk with the Lord-uh!\nTimmy: Timmiiiy!\nCartman: Devil be [smacks him on the face] gone-uh!\nTimmy: Haagggh.\nCartman: Now walk, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]\nTimmy: Haagggh.\nCartman: [turns away, then back] Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!\nTimmy: Haghh.\nCartman: The Lord wants you to walk, Timmih! Oo-walk, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]\nTimmy: Timmilih? [drops to the floor on his feet and stands unsteadily. Cartman smiles openly]\nCartman: He walks-uh!\nKids: Whoa!\nTimmy: Oh-aagghhh! [falls forward and crashes through the floor head first. A beaming Cartman mistakes this for something good]\nCartman: Yes! Praise the Lord!\nKids: Praise the Lord!\nScene Description: Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside\nSatan: And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to, and then one guy who's really nice to me but I'm not sexually attracted to at all.\nJonBenét Ramsey: Wow, that really sucks.\nSatan: I've asked everybody for advice, but nobody seems to know the answer.\nJonBenét Ramsey: Well, there is one person who I always used to ask when I needed advice.\nSatan: Who?\nJonBenét Ramsey: God.\nSatan: [stunned] God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken to God in like, 5000 years.\nJonBenét Ramsey: Well then, maybe it's time.\nScene Description: Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head\nKids: Do dodo dum do dodoDo dodo dum do dodo\nCartman: For he is LordLord, Lord, LordWhere are you from, little boy? [this boy wears glasses]\nBoy: Denver.\nCartman: And God is telling me that you have... bad eyesight. Is that it?\nBoy: Yeah, that's right.\nKids: Wooooo!\nCartman: Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! [smacks the boy in the face and knocks him out]\nBoy: Aghh... [two robed assistants carry him off]\nKids: Hooray!\nCartman: For he is LordLord, Lord, LordRight here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?!\nUgly Girl: Yes!\nCartman: He is gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at! [smacks her on the face] Bah!\nUgly Girl: Wagh...\nCartman: [moonwalks] Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good Lord, somebody say \"Amen!\"\nKids: Amen! [the pianist is shown, with a girl singing next to him]\nAll: Lord, Lord, Lord\nScene Description: A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven. A group of Mormon souls gather around him\nMormon 1: Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've followed the Mormon faith, and so you've been let in!\nSatan: Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.\nMormon 2: Well, you've picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch and we're just about to start playing charades.\nMormons: [ad lib all at once] Alright. Yeah.\nMormon 1: And then, Brother Stephen's brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie.\nMormons: Ooooh!\nMormon 3: Yeahahah!\nSatan: Ah, look, I just need to talk with God. Is he around?\nMormon 2: Sure. All you have to do is say his name and he's there.\nMormon 1: I'm so grateful for that.\nMormons: [in assent] Me, too. Uh huh.\nSatan: Great. Thanks. [walks off]\nScene Description: Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the camera\nSatan: [clears his throat] Ah... Hello? G-God? It's uh... Satan. [quickly shields his eyes as a sphere of light descends towards him]\nGod: [in silhouette] Yea. Look upon me, and know me.\nSatan: Hi, God.\nGod: Hello, Satan. [has a body made from bits of some of the creatures he created] It's... been a long time.\nSatan: Yeah.\nGod: What brings you here? Do you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven?\nSatan: No, I have a problem, and I... need your advice.\nGod: You want to rule more than hell? You want to destroy the Earth?\nSatan: No, it's kind of a long story but, well, it all started when this Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, [God scratches behind his left ear] was killed by a pack of wild boars. I remember when I first met him in hell. It was a lovely morning in April...\nScene Description: Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and rolls on his back a few times.\nCartman: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! And now, I'm receiving a message directly from God-uh! God is telling me that... each and every one of you is to walk up to the stage, and give me one dollar! [The clapping stops as confused faces appear in the congregation, and the music quiets a bit. Stan and Kyle look at each other as Cartman goes for the collection box] So I want everyone to feel the love of God by coming up heah, [sets the box at center stage] and putting a dollar in the box-ah! [kids begin to approach the stage] Come on, don't be shy! Come on now! [rolls on his back as the donations come in]\nStan: Dude, that seems kind of... weird.\nKyle: Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything about this.\nScene Description: Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story\nSatan: ...And now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over and... I don't know which one to pick.\nGod: [considers the story, then] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?\nSatan: Huh?\nGod: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.\nSatan: Well, I just don't know which one to pick.\nGod: No, you've become dependent on relationships. So you haven't even considered the option of not being with either of them. [Satan listens] And if you're not sexually attracted to someone, you're not ever going to be. But Saddam isn't right either. He's the other extreme. You need to spend time alone so that you can find the balance, the middle ground. That's what I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.\nSatan: God, you're right. You know, I've had steady relationships for the last... thousand years, and when one ends I just start another one, but... I haven't taken the time to be secure with myself.\nGod: Bingo. [a fly gets near him and he snaps his tongue out to catch it and eat it]\nSatan: Hey... Thanks, God. I forgot how clear you make things sometimes.\nGod: It was nice to see you again, Satan.\nSatan: You too.\nGod: Goodbye. [turns into the sphere of light and flies up and away. Satan turns and walks off, but encounters the Mormons]\nMormon 2: Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch?\nMormon 1: Yes, would you?\nSatan: Uh, no, I need to be getting back.\nMormon 2: Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play.\nMormon 4: Yes. We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.\nSatan: Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really gotta go. [disappears in a burst of flames]\nMormon 1: Well, he seemed like a nice fellow.\nMormon 4: Yes. [a few seconds of silence follow]\nMormon 2: Let's go make things out of egg cartons.\nMormons: [ad lib] Oooh, yeah. I'll do that.\nScene Description: Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed. Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.\nCartman: [offscreen] Yeess. [the camera looks at him, now rolling around shirtless in $1 bills, now grabbing a bunch and bathing in them] Yeess. [sees Stan and Kyle] It worked, you guys, it actually worked!\nStan: What worked?\nCartman: Eh-everybody bought the whole act! They keep giving and giving until we have it all!\nStan/Kyle: What?\nKyle: You're keeping that money yourself?\nCartman: Of course, you guys! And then we can make... ten million dollars! [grins big] Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy band thing didn't last, so I tried this route.\nStan: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for you to make ten million dollars?\nCartman: It all came to me days ago, when we were first in Sunday school.\nStan: [he and Kyle are now angry] Well, what about going to hell and all that?!\nCartman: Dude, if God is all-understanding, he wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister Anne told me that.\nKyle: [points] Then why didn't you tell us?!\nCartman: My brain is of a much larger size than you guys's. I couldn't expect you to understand, not until you actually saw the cash flow!\nKyle: The only thing of yours that's larger in size is your big fat ass!\nCartman: [rolls around in the money] Suck my balls!\nStan: Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.\nScene Description: Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again. Saddam charges at him with a gray brick\nSaddam: Die, pussy! [smashes the brick on Chris's head, and they both fall]\nChris: Ow..! [gets up, grabs one of Saddam's legs, and pulls it off]\nSaddam: Aagghh! [gets up, grabs his leg back and beats Chris over the back with it. Chris falls on his face]\nChris: Aagghh! [grabs one end of the leg, and now it's a tug of war. Satan arrives and sees the battle]\nSatan: Guys, guys, guys! [the two rivals stop and face him] Look, you both can stop fighting now! I've made a decision.\nChris: You have?\nSatan: Yes. I... don't want to be with either one of you.\nChris/Saddam: What?!\nSatan: Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll never be the friend that I want. And Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll never be the lover I want. [Chris looks dejected] So I'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself. [Saddam sighs]\nChris: Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?\nSatan: No, I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy; go away!\nChris: Fine. [walks away]\nSaddam: Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't let you! [Satan is shocked]\nScene Description: Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their $1 donations\nCartman: Today is another day! And that's another dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So come on up and give to the Lord-uh! [Sister Anne enters the church]\nSister Anne: [walking down center aisle] Alright kids, it's time to go. It's time for this to stop!\nCartman: Sister Anne is a blasphemer!\nSister Anne: I know you won't listen to me. That's why I brought somebody else. [steps aside. The curtains part. Jesus enters and walks down the aisle]\nKids: [in obvious awe] Wow!\nButters: Jesus!\nCartman: [worried] Uh-oh.\nJesus: Kids, you need to all stop spending all your time here and go back to school.\nCartman: [tugs on Jesus' robs, then softly] Jesus, ix-nay on the ool-schay.\nJesus: God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of hell, or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others, and living a good, happy life. That's how you live for Him.\nCartman: [goes for the collection box again] Ee-yes, by doing that, [brings it out] and, putting a dollar in the box-uh!\nBebe: Let's go ice-skating.\nGirls: Yea! [leave their seats]\nButters: Uh, we can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate, too.\nBoy: Yeah. [others leave their seats and vacate the church]\nCartman: [on his knees] No, come back! You face everlasting damnation! [the last congregant leaves the church] Wait! No! No! [pounds the floor with his fists a few times] I can't be cheated out of my ten million dollars again! God damnit!\nKyle: Serves you right, Cartman!\nStan: Yeah!\nJesus: But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson. I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!\nCartman: You're gonna send me to hell?\nJesus: No. Worse!\nScene Description: Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman off, then pulls away\nKenny: [rushes up to him] (Eric! Eric!)\nCartman: [sees Kenny] Aw, crap!\nScene Description: Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy mood\nSatan: [encounters two men] Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.\nRick: Hi, Satan.\nSaddam: [waiting in the road] There you are!\nSatan: [rolls his eyes] Awgh... Not again.\nSaddam: You know you can't live without me. Now get that ass back to bed!\nSatan: Saddam, I told you, I don't need you anymore!\nSaddam: You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves me.\nSatan: Yes, I can! Raaarrr! [blasts a hole through Saddam with lightning from his index finger. Saddam falls]\nSaddam: Aw, you little..prick!\nSatan: Goodbye forever, Saddam!\nSaddam: [coughs] What are you talking about? You can kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.\nSatan: Not this time. I asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in.\nSaddam: Let me in where? [flames engulf Saddam and disappears]\nScene Description: Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was\nSaddam: What the..? Hey, what the hell is this place?!\nMormon 5: Hello, and welcome.\nMormon 1: We're glad you made it, brother.\nSaddam: Ey, who the hell are you?\nMormon 6: We're just about to do a play, about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. Come join us. [he and others crowd in on Saddam]\nMormons: [ad lib] Yes. Come on. Let's go.\nMormon 6: You're here forever. [the Mormons lift him up and carry him away over their heads]\nSaddam: Nooo! N-nooooooooooo!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The school bell rings. A \"WELCOME BACK!\" sign hangs over a row of student lockers as kids mill around in the hall. The camera pans to the right to show the four boys standing before their new classroom: FOURTH GRADE.\nStan: Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade.\nKyle: Yeah. No more getting pushed around by fourth graders! [two older boys come up behind Stan and Kyle and punch them to the floor. A third 5th-grader arrives. Stan and Kyle look up.]\n5th-Grader in middle: Get out of my way, you little dorks! [Stan and Kyle struggle a bit, then get up]\nKyle: Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!\n5th-Grader in middle: Yeah, but now, we're fifth-graders, you stupid fourth-graders, so move it! [he and the boy to his left punch Stan and Kyle down again.]\nKyle: [rises with Stan] Ungh, gay, dude.\nStan: Dude, we gotta find some third-graders to beat up. [looks left and sees someone] Hey, come here [signals a boy, Pete Thelman, over.]\nPete: What?\nStan: What grade are you going into?\nPete: Thi-ird\nStan: Stupid third grader!\nCartman: Yeah, [punches Pete down] get out of here! [withdraws]\nPete: Uhuhuhow.\nCartman: There, that's better.\nKyle: You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver.\nStan: Denver? [Butters and Clyde arrive]\nCartman: U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over her. [Kevin arrives]\nKyle: He's right. We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship! [Pip arrives, then Craig, then Wendy and Bebe]\nStan: Alright. [turns to face the gathering group] Hey, listen up everybody! [Tweek and four others arrive, then Timmy...] We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves! Let's all do something radical! [the other kids smile]\nClyde: Like what?\nStan: [with a look of determination] Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we all jump up on our desks and pull down our pants and shout, \"KISS MY ASS!!!\" all together!\nThe Kids: YEAH!!!\nCartman: [softly] Why, that's PERfect!\nButters: Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants down, [turns to his left to demonstrate] should we stand frontways or back? I mean, do we show 'er our... behinds, or-ar our w-wieners?\nStan: ...I think showing her our asses should be quite sufficient, Butters.\nButters: Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this [shows his back to Stan and moves his right hand around], with our wieners pokin' through the back of our legs, you know, and give 'er a nice fruit bowl.\nKyle: ...Yeah. Or we could just show our asses.\nStan: Okay, so it's decided. When the clock hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks, pull down our pants and yell, \"KISS MY ASS!!!\"\nKyle: Together we are strong! [raises fists]\nThe Kids: YEAH!!!\nClyde: [points to Timmy] Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down.\nStan: We got you covered, Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmay!\nScene Description: The bell rings again, and the kids enter their new classroom a bit awed at the surroundings. Lab sinks and equipment line the walls. New, modern desks greet them. An aquarium and some modern art are also present.\nKyle: Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?\nButters: Huhuh, look at all this stuff.\nCartman: [takes a seat] Hey, what the hell is with these little half-desks?\nStan: Dude, look at the walls. [A new alphabet strip in Vivaldi font hangs over the chalkboard] Everything is written in some strange, foreign language.\nNew Teacher: [enters, faces the students, and talks with a bit of an accent] Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome to the fourth grade. [the kids stare at her with mouths open. Her breasts hang down to her knees]\nKyle: Holy God, dude!\nKenny: (Those titties are fuckin' huge!) [the teacher turns and write on the board...]\nNew Teacher: My name is Ms. Choksondik.\nStan: [softly, to Kyle] ...More like, Ms. Makesmesick. [starts chuckling]\nKyle: Yeah! [starts chuckling]\nMs. Choksondik: [now with book in hand] Play time is over, children! Do you understand me?! [a stunned silence fills the room] I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the fourth grade! [Cartman grabs on tight to his chair as he looks at the wall clock, which now reads 8:35] And it is time to go to work!\nCartman: [chuckles, leaps up on his desk, and moons Ms. Choksondik] KISS MY ASS!!! [no one else moves a muscle, as they are still awed by the teacher's appearance. Cartman looks left, then right...] Oh, weak, you guys. Seriously weak.\nMs. Choksondik: [arms akimbo] Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this.\nCartman: [with his back still to Ms. Choksondik] Oh, I'm sure I do.\nMs. Choksondik: This is the fourth grade! You need to grow up! [wags a finger at him]\nCartman: I'm trying.\nMs. Choksondik: Now, get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class.\nCartman: [pulls his pants up and sits down again] Fantastic, then.\nMs. Choksondik: [turns to the board and begins writing] Now, let us begin our first-day exam. [the class sighs audibly] SILENCE!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, outside. The bell rings, and the students head out onto the playground.\nStan: What a bitch!\nKyle: And did you see her lazy eye? You can't even tell what she's looking at.\nCartman: You guys are all such pussies!\nTweek: I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive?? Fractions?? I can't do i-it!\nStan: This is it. The end of innocence. [grows sad] This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about.\nKyle: I just didn't think it would come so soon.\nCartman: Yeah. Only now do we realize how much we all took the third grade for granted.\nKyle: Huh?\nCartman: Everything was great in third grade. And now that it's all over, we're starting to see just how special it was. [wistfully] Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade? We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade [a classroom scene, then a playground scene as heads of Cartman and Kenny float by] We learned wondrous things from a teacher so nice [Mr. Garrison is dressed as a pirate before a happy class] Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles [Their desks turn into marshmallow seats and float up as the classroom fades into sky. A teddy-bear face floats by] The world seemed to all make sense but that sense seems to slowly fade [They float towards a rainbow and sun, and the scene fades to black, then to the playground] After Third Grade In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons [Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land] We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue [Cartman makes a glitter picture of a cow's face] We had warm cookies and hearts full of love [Kenny makes one of a clown holding a bloody knife in one hand and a boy's bloody head in the other] And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you... [Cartman sings to the audience and points] There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to go back, for one minute [Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land, then gives each kid a happy spanking in a room full of huge wrapped presents. The scene fades to the playground again] To Third Grade [A moment of silence, and Clyde starts to cry. Butters draws near and consoles him]\nKyle: Wow! I had already forgotten how great third grade was.\nButters: Huh-it sure was.\nCartman: [wistfully] I wish I was still there.\nStan: Hey, that's it! We gotta go back to third grade!\nKyle: How?\nStan: [a bit dramatic] We travel back in time.\nKyle: Oh yeah, time travel.\nButters: Oowuh how are we gonna do that? Does it hurt? [waves the suggestion off] I don't wanna do it if it hurts. Or if it... makes you get all sticky.\nStan: It can't be that bad. People do it on TV all the time.\nCartman: Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it.\nKyle: Well, what about those two college guys next door to me? They're always doing science experiments in their basement.\nCartman: Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how!\nScene Description: The basement of the two college guys, after school. These are computer geeks, with at least three computers in there. The blond guy works on his nose as he talks.\nNerd #1: When it comes to time-traveling theory, there are basically two school of thought. The Spock Theory is that a sling shot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape. The Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however, is that a nag vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum-\nCartman: Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade.\nNerd #2: Time-travel is no laughing matter. Four times the Enterprise went back in time, and four times they almost didn't make it back.\nStan: We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there.\nNerd #1: Oh.\nKyle: So can you do it?\nNerd #2: It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint, the creation of a rip in space-time is possible. We just need to find an inertia device. [they think]\nNerd #1: Heeeyyy. [approaches Timmy's chair] This kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need.\nTimmy: Tuh-timmih?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are talking to Chef.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts!\nChef: What's the problem?\nMr. Mackey: Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra.\nChef: You call that a problem? That sounds like heaven to me.\nMr. Mackey: No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef, m'kay. [the door opens and a very angry Ms. Choksondik enters]\nMs. Choksondik: Principal Victoria, I would like a word! [her elongated breasts swing freely under her blouse.]\nChef: Oooo! Call the doctor!\nMs. Choksondik: My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate, brain-dead group of children I have ever come across!\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, Miss... Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade.\nMs. Choksondik: One of them is mentally handicapped, for Christ's sake!\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh? Which one?\nMs. Choksondik: The one in the wheelchair! Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher! Who was it? Mr. Uh-heh, Garrison?! [Terror strikes the faces of Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria as they look at each other]\nPrincipal Victoria: I'm afraid that's impossible. Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended.\nMs. Choksondik: Why?! Where did he go?!\nMr. Mackey: [softly, slowly] We... don't like to talk about it.\nMs. Choksondik: But I need help reaching these kids! I have nothing but the highest expectations for them. And with [raises her left arm, which causes the breast nipples to reveal themselves] God as my witness-\nThe Adults: Aww Oooo!\nMs. Choksondik: I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world, so that they can reach the top! [the others recoil at the sight of her nipples again] I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in on what happened to this Mr. Garrison! And with that I will bid you good day!\nPrincipal Victoria: [trying to hide her stare] Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then. [Ms. Choksondik exits and the other three breathe sighs of relief. Chef instinctively vomits, then covers his mouth.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, next day. The kids are all in their seats wearing goggles and the two nerds are with them\nNerd #1: Alright, when we power up, the handicapped kid's chair will accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way [towards the board], then make the required magnetic vibrations.\nNerd #2: If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole up near the front of the classroom.\nWendy: You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?\nNerd #1: Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole, yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it.\nNerd #2: And on the other side you will find yourself in exactly the same spot, only one year ago.\nStan: Back in the third grade.\nKids: Cool/Wow.\nKyle: I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time, and we all tell her to suck our balls!\nKids: Yeah!\nStan: Oh! Here she comes.\nMs. Choksondik: [enters] Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night. Please pass your papers up to the frontuh.\nCartman: [hops up on his seat] Suck my balls!!! [no one else moves] Oh, God-damnit, you guys, I am so seriously-\nMs. Choksondik: [sternly] I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!\nCartman: We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick! We didn't feel like it!\nMs. Choksondik: It's Choksondik! And you are all going to have detention!\nCartman: Hahaa! Charade you are, teacher! I'm afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen? [a handheld controller with two thumb joysticks is activated. The two nerds get to work]\nNerd #1: Primary fusion initiated.\nNerd #2: Molecular grenadine active. [Timmy's chair starts to convulse]\nTimmy: Aa-aa-ah!\nMs. Choksondik: What are you doing?!\nCartman: We're going back in time to third grade! Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in another year! Hahaaa! [the wheelchair is launched and Timmy moves towards the chalkboard]\nTimmy: Timmaaaaaaaaah! [Ms. Choksondik steps aside as Timmy breaks through the wall and out into the snow] Timmaaaaaaaaah! [his voice trails off. The class is in shock. Ms. Choksondik turns and looks out the gaping hole as Timmy turns right and goes past a tree]\nNerd #1: I didn't think it would work.\nNerd #2: Me neither.\nMs. Choksondik: Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has some explaining to do!\nCartman: You're damn right they do!\nKyle: Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all that stuff! We've gotta help him!\nStan: Yeah!\nKyle: Come on! [the other kids scramble out of their chairs and rush outside]\nMs. Choksondik: Children! Children, come back here!\nScene Description: South Park, the streets. Timmy is rolling down the street being passed by honking cars going this way and that. Timmy screams a frightened scream\nStan: Timmy, you have to stop!\nNerd #1: No!\nStan: No??\nNerd #1: Look, the system malfunctions if he stops. The nuclear core can bake his magnetic field and the whole chair will blow sky-high.\nKyle: What?! Timmy! You've got to get off that chair!\nNerd #1: No!\nKyle: [with trembling voice] No??\nNerd #2: We've rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight. If he gets off, the whole thing blows!\nStan: So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blow, and if he gets off, the chair blows?\nThe Nerds: Yup.\nStan: My God!\nScene Description: NEWS 4 LIVE UPDATE\nAnchor Tom: [Timmy is shown moving down the street screaming] It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set with explosives.\nScene Description: South Park, Tele's. The boys and the nerds rush to the video window to watch the report\nStan: Over here, over here!\nAnchor Tom: The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion, and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device.\nScene Description: South Park, a street. Timmy reaches an open stretch of road\nTimmy: [in distress] Timmi-hih-ih! [above him a helicopter appears, and a SWAT team member is lowered while keeping up with Timmy]\nSWAT Hansen: Closer! [reaches Timmy] Don't worry, son. Just watch your speed and stay still! [both approach a pair of women waiting to hitch a ride going the other direction]\nPilot: Look out, Hansen!\nSWAT rescuer Hansen: Oh! [flies into the blonde, knocking her away. Timmy ends up with the brunette on his chair]\nBrunette: Aaaah!\nTimmy: Timmaaay!\nHansen: [floats up to them again] Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!\nBrunette: Oh my God, what's going on?\nHansen: Ma'am, be very careful! That wheelchair is set to explode!\nBrunette: What?! [scrambles around Timmy] AAAH!! Omigod! Omigod!\nHansen: It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the speed above 5!\nBrunette: [trying to hang on] O-kay. O-kay. Omigod.\nTimmy: Tih-Timmah? [the woman sets the speed and locks it in a flash]\nBrunette: Okay. I kept the speed at 5.\nHansen: Good! What's the wheelchair's battery power at?\nBrunette: Oh my God! Less than 20 minutes!\nScene Description: South Park, Tele's. The boys react to the news\nStan: Less than 20 minutes?!\nKyle: Oh no! What have we done?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria holds up an oversize bra for Chef's and Mr. Mackey's appraisal\nPrincipal Victoria: Whattaya think? Too forward? [the door opens and in enters...]\nMs. Choksondik: I HAVE HAD IT!!!\nPrincipal Victoria: Waaah! [tosses the bra behind her seat]\nMs. Choksondik: These children are out of control! I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison! [again, the three other adults show fear...]\nPrincipal Victoria: As we said before, that's impossible.\nMs. Choksondik: What in God's name happened to him?\nChef: Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had several uuh, eee-motional issues. He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people. Whenever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts.\nPrincipal Victoria: And then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.\nMr. Mackey: After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels. His first novel sold well and everything was fine until he found out that his novel won the gay Pulitzer Prize, and was considered the best homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn.\nPrincipal Victoria: He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown and... went up into the mountains to live in solitude.\nChef: Some say that on cold nights you can still hear him moanin', \"I'm not gaaay! I'm not gaaay!\"\nMr. Garrison: [barely audible in the distance. The adults strain to hear] Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!!!\nMs. Choksondik: And, nobody has found him?\nMr. Mackey: Well, we really haven't ll-looked.\nMs. Choksondik: I see. [a kitten walks up to her] Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself!\nPrincipal Victoria: But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains.\nMs. Choksondik: Oh, I'll find him! Even if I have to climb up [arms spread out and raised to chest level] and up [raised to ear level] and up!\nChef, Victoria, Mackey: NOOO!!\nMs. Choksondik: [lowers upraised arms] What?\nScene Description: South Park, a street. Timmy and the brunette are still on the open stretch of road\nBrunette: Oh my God, Oh my God!\nScene Description: South Park, a street. A field reporter is on the scene\nField Reporter: Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver where the darling handicapped boy fights for his life on a wheelchair of death. [camera pulls back to show the nerds next to the reporter, and the boys across the street] Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosive we're actually dealing with here.\nNerd #1: Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion core with a veltig reactant-\nTimmy: [while the blond nerd talks] Ah, please help!\nNerd #2: Which just turned into a time bomb.\nTimmy: Please help.\nNerd #1: This has never happened in all the 72 original Star Trek episodes.\nNerd #2: Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes.\nNerd #1: ...No, there were 72.\nNerd #2: No there weren't!\nNerd #1: [pushes his friend away] Oh, you are such a nerd! [they start slapping each other around]\nField Reporter: [camera zooms in] Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers are gonna try and send in one of the handicapped boy's little friends, in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully, disarm the device.\nScene Description: South Park, a street. A SWAT truck full of rescuers passes Timmy and the brunette and slows down to wheelchair speed. Kenny is with them\nHansen: It's alright, everything's goin' tuh be fine.\nBrunette: Oh my God!\nHansen: [sets Kenny on a dolly and secures him] Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair, I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie, and then I'll tell you which wires to cross. Ready?\nKenny: (Yes, sir!)\nHansen: Go below! [releases the winch. Kenny and the dolly make their way to Timmy, but they pass each other. Kenny keeps rolling down the road past Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]\nKenny: (Hi guys.) [keeps rolling until he trips over a manhole cover.] (Uh oh.) [the dolly lands on him] (Uff. I'm okay.) [the winch is suddenly yanked, and Kenny zips away] (I'm oKAAAYYYYYYY!!!) [the camera switches to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman looking in the direction of a terribly screechy sound. Soon, Kenny appears ripping up the road with his face, and he stops in front of them, dead]\nStan: Well, who didn't see that coming?\nBrunette: [camera back on the wheelchair] Oh my God! Oh my God!\nHansen: Stay calm! You have to stay calm! [Timmy looks up at him]\nBrunette: [in a panic] But if we got off the chair it blows up!\nHansen: No no, that's only if the boy gets off.\nBrunette: Oh. [hops off and stands up] See ya!\nTimmy: Timmih! [Hansen starts to work on the chair]\nPilot: Ten seconds, Hansen!\nStan: ...nine, eight...\nTimmy: [looks down at Hansen] Please-a help me.\nPilot: ...six, five...\nTimmy: Please help me. Please help me.\nHansen: Got it! I think! Up, up! [the helicopter rises and takes him up with it]\nTimmy: [upset] Timmay! [with a burst of speed the wheelchair accelerates, then disappears in a flare. Nothing remains of him. The rescuer is back in the helicopter looking down at the event with other rescuers, and the boys are on the curb shocked. The nerds are stunned, and the TV shows the site of the disappearance without comment]\nNerd #1: Hey, it did work. [the other nerd grins]\nScene Description: South Park, a tall mountain not unlike the Matterhorn, next day. Ms. Choksondik scales it, and reaches a plateau. Several cats follow her up. She sees a cave and approaches it, then enters\nMs. Choksondik: Hello-oo-ooo. [walks further in with a lit flashlight] Oh, what am I doing? I'm gonna get myself killed. [calls out] Is anyone here? [the beam falls on Mr. Garrison, now hunched over against a wall and with a full beard. Mr. Hat has a matching beard. Garrison hisses at her] Mister? Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Who-? Who are you? What do you want?\nMs. Choksondik: I am the new fourth grade teacher. I've come to... seek your help. [Garrison hisses at her again] Please. I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders. I've tried everything. I need to know how you taught them.\nMr. Garrison: [hiding from the light] No! No, I... haven't... taught in over... eight... months. [the cats try to get at Ms. Choksondik's]\nMs. Choksondik: Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids! You're my only hope!\nMr. Garrison: Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...?\nMs. Choksondik: Choksondik.\nMr. Garrison: No I don't! [rushes up to her] IT'S A LIE! You see? That's what you get for bein' a teacher! You work and you work for the children and then people start rumors that you're gay even though you love poontang!\nMs. Choksondik: Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future. I can't do it without your guidance. Please! Help me, for them! For the future of our children!\nMr. Garrison: ...Two hundred bucks.\nMs. Choksondik: ...Done.\nScene Description: The basement of the two college guys, after school. The boys show up again. Much of the stuff that was in the basement is gone. Soon, it is shown that the second nerd has moved out\nStan: Dude! You gotta build us another time machine!\nNerd #1: Huh? Oh... Can't.\nKyle: What do you mean, \"can't\"?! You made it work; just build us another one!\nNerd #1: I can't, because pizza-face isn't here! We're not on speaking terms! We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out!\nStan: W-what did you get in a fight about?\nNerd #1: There's 73 original Star Treks! He keeps saying there's 72!\nStan: Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding me!\nNerd #1: No! He actually thinks there's 72.!\nCartman: Look, dude, can't you just build us another machine without him?\nNerd #1: No. Pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's. Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong...\nStan: Alright, come on, guys. [the boys exit the basement and head up the stairs] Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time!\nKyle: Yeah! Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!\nScene Description: A tropical forest. Dinosaurs roam this land. A pteranodon flies overhead as a triceratops chases Timmy\nTimmy: Timmah! Timmaaaaahhh!\nScene Description: South Park, the \"Matterhorn,\" the plateau outside Garrison's cave. Mr. Garrison walks around Ms. Choksondik as she balances three books on each hand and one on her head while standing on only her left foot.\nMr. Garrison: Alright, let's try it again.\nMs. Choksondik: \"Children, we are now going to do math problems.\"\nMr. Garrison: \"But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems.\"\nMs. Choksondik: \"Uuh! Ah, you will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble!\"\nMr. Garrison: \"Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher! You can just suck my balls!\"\nMs. Choksondik: \"Don't use that kind of language, young man!\"\nMr. Garrison: NOOO![Ms. Choksondik drops the books in terror]\nMs. Choksondik: [drops the books in terror] No??\nMr. Garrison: Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat! You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion! When a child says, \"Suck my balls,\" you say, \"Present them.\"\nMs. Choksondik: Oh.\nMr. Garrison: Now, let's try it again. [gathers the books up and repositions them on Ms. Choksondik's hands and head, then stands to her left. She resumes balancing on her left foot and concentrates.] SUCK MY BALLS!\nMs. Choksondik: Pre-sent them?\nMr. Garrison: [softens] Good. [Ms. Choksondik relaxes a bit and opens her eyes] Very good. [with authority] You're ready to move on to the next level. But I warn you: we will now be diving deep into your own psyche. These children know what scares you, and so we, too, must face those demons.\nMs. Choksondik: I'm ready. I'm not afraid.\nMr. Garrison: [ominously, gruffly] You will be! You will be! [coughs] You will be.\nScene Description: South Park, a house. Eight boys approach it: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Kevin, Token, Tweek, and Clyde. Stan knocks\nStan: God-damnit, this is ridiculous.\nNerd #2: [opens the door angrily] What?!\nStan: Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the third grade?\nNerd #2: Look! There aren't 73 episodes of Star Trek, there are 72! \"The Menagerie\" was a 2-parter that counts as one episode! Pizza-face is wrong!\nCartman: Who the hell cares?!\nNerd #2: I know! Why does he have to be such a dick about it?!\nKyle: Wouldn't it be better to just agree with him and forget the whole thing?\nNerd #2: No, because he's WRONG!\nKyle: Look. You guys built a machine together that can bend time. If you'll just agree with him, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!\nNerd #2: And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks? I don't think so! I don't want to live in that world. [slams the door shut]\nCartman: God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!\nStan: I know.\nButters: Yeh-hah. They don't even realize that \"The Menagerie\" originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes, eh ha ha. Ha ha. [pauses to see if anyone responds] Hahahaha, eh the, eh the dumbasses.\nStan: Wait a minute! I've got it. [knocks again]\nNerd #2: [opens the door angrily] What?!\nStan: Dude, if you guys build another time machine, you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek how many episodes there were!\nNerd #2: [thinks for a moment] Dude, Jesus, you're right.\nScene Description: South Park, the \"Matterhorn.\" Mr. Garrison takes Ms. Choksondik to a gnarled, giant willow tree on a mountainside forest\nMr. Garrison: This is it: The Tree of Insight. You must go in and face what lives inside.\nMs. Choksondik: What lives inside?\nMr. Garrison: Hell if I know. I wouldn't go in there.\nMs. Choksondik: Oh, alrighty. [enters the base of the tree and through the hewn hallway, then sees a light at the other end.] What the? Why there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side! [peers through it, then pulls back] There's nothing in here at all. ...Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here. [thinks for a moment] Wait a minute. Maybe there's not supposed to be anything in here. Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids! [clenches her fists] I think I get it now! [walks out the other end]\nMr. Garrison: [bides his time and sighs] Hey, hurry up in there! [under his breath] Jesus. [knocks on the tree entrance] You're taking too long in the damn Tree of Insight! [looks at the entrance, then looks in] You in there?! [enters the hallway himself] Hey, where the hell did she go? [a few more steps, and rumbling begins] What the? [the entrance closes and a mirror Garrison, clean-shaven, appears. The unkempt Garrison shivers] Haaa! Who? Who are you?\nClean Garrison: [surely] I am you. [approaches the unkempt Garrison] I am your gay side.\nUnkempt Garrison: My gay side, uh- I DON'T HAVE A GAY SIDE!!!\nClean Garrison: You must face me at last. [the two of them just stare at each other]\nScene Description: South Park, the \"Matterhorn,\" moments later...\nUnkempt Garrison: You aren't real! You can't be!\nClean Garrison: It is me, your darkest fear. Your gay self, incarnate.\nUnkempt Garrison: What do you want?\nClean Garrison: I want you to not fight me anymore. To accept me, once and for all.\nUnkempt Garrison: Why?\nClean Garrison: Don't you see? [approached the unkempt one] All these years, your pain, your confusion, it comes from one place. Your denial of who you are. [his voice softens] Of who... we are.\nUnkempt Garrison: But I'm not gay! Everyone just thinks I am!\nClean Garrison: Oh, stop it! What about the time you looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in the men's locker room?!\nUnkempt Garrison: I was just comparing size!\nClean Garrison: For seven minutes?!\nUnkempt Garrison: Aaa! [turns away in despair]\nClean Garrison: And what about the time you masturbated to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?!\nUnkempt Garrison: I was beating off to the chicks!\nClean Garrison: THERE WERE NO CHICKS!\nUnkempt Garrison: OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!\nClean Garrison: ADMIT IT!\nUnkempt Garrison: NO!!!\nClean Garrison: YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND GET A G-\nUnkempt Garrison: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY!!! [camera zooms in as Garrison comes to terms with this admission] I'm...gay. I'm gay! [rises] I am gay! You hear that everyone? [goes towards the exit] I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm gay and it... [gets emotional] and it feels good.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, a few days later. Where the chalkboard used to be are just some boards hastily put up, along with a DO NOT CROSS line and three safety cones to guard this makeshift board.\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, children, I hope you all did your- [the class once again has goggles on and the two nerds are back together in the back of the class ready to activate another machine - a microwave oven with a duck tied to it.] Oowhat is going on now?! [three kittens run up and frolic near her breasts]\nCartman: Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade!-God-damnit you guys, you seriously said this time you'd snap into it with me.\nMs. Choksondik: [cups her ears] Oh Good Gravy, not this again.\nCartman: Yes! We've had a new time machine built: this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck [the contraption is shown and the duck quacks.] Au revoir, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in the past, hahaa. Gentlemen? [the nerds activate their controllers]\nMs. Choksondik: Children, I will have order!!\nNerd #1: I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how WRONG you are! Just like when you said there were no two-parters of Battlestar Galactica!\nNerd #2: There WEREN'T!\nNerd #1: The episode called \"Gonzo on Ice Planet Zero\" was a two-parter.\nNerd #2: No it WASN'T!\nStan: Oh, son of a bitch!\nNerd #1: I'll kill you! [the nerds start slapping each other again. Nerd #2 throws his controller at Nerd #1, and the controller hits the floor. The microwave is activated and soon blows up along with the bird, leaving behind a portal]\nCartman: There it is! Come on, everybody! [the kids move towards the portal]\nMs. Choksondik: Children, get back into your seats!\nCartman: No way, lady!\nMs. Choksondik: Eric, I mean it!\nCartman: You can suck my balls!\nMs. Choksondik: [strikes a meditative pose as the camera does some vertigo, then] Present them. [everyone stops what they're doing and looks at her. Nerd #2 was about to strike Nerd #1 with a desk.]\nCartman: ...What?\nMs. Choksondik: You said, \"suck my balls.\" Well, go ahead. Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em.\nStan: [softly] Thah... That's what Mr. Garrison would've said.\nCartman: Touché, teacher. Touché.\nMs. Choksondik: Now, children, listen to me. Why do you want to go back in time? Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward. Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but, if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again? The adventure of life is that there's always something new. New challenges, new experiences. A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes. So it is with life. Do you understand?\nStan: Dude. Sh-she's right.\nKyle: Yeah. And you know, now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great, either.\nStan: Yeah. Third grade sucked! Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grad was so great?!\nKyle: Yeah! You suck, Cartman! [the kids return to their seats, leaving Cartman alone]\nCartman: What??\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, students, that will be quite enough! If you're ready, let's continue on... with the fourth grade. [as she turns to write her name on the makeshift board, a noise is heard]\nTimmy: AAAAAAA! [reappears covered in items from every time period in history]\nKyle: Hey, Timmy's back!\nStan: Dude, it looks like he's been all over time! He must have such cool stuff to tell us.\nTimmy: [shifts a bit here and there] Eh, Timmih.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Chef talks with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria\nChef: You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria. [the door opens]\nMr. Garrison: [skips in happily] Ey, guess what everybody?! I'M GAY!!! [the other three look]\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Mackey: What?\nMr. Garrison: I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!\nPrincipal Victoria: You admit it? You admit it! [the three of them gather around him smiling]\nMr. Mackey: Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison. You've finally come to terms with yourself!\nMr. Garrison: [fairly bouncing with joy] Yeah, it feels really good!\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, congratulations!\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, congratulations!\nMr. Garrison: You know, I, I feel like I can start anew. If it's alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the third grade!\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people. [silence, then Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Principal Victoria laugh as Mr. Garrison stews]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Bus Stop. Stan and Kenny wait patiently. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business suit and his hair is combed\nStan: Dude, what's your little brother doing here?\nKyle: Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten.\nStan: But isn't he only three years old?\nKyle: Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten.\nIke: I pooped my pants.\nKyle: [moves Ike aside and shows his folder] But dude, check out my new Trapper Keeper. [opens it up and displays the inside] It has five different compartments for each subject in school, [closes it and shows off the covers] and it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek.\nStan: Cool!\nCartman: [walks up with his own folder] Hey, dudes. Check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura 2000. [slight pause. Kyle reacts] Yeah, well, [opens his up] it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, an electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's, [opens it up again] flat-screen TV, and of course, OnStar.\nStan: Wow, cool!\nKyle: Goddammit, Cartman! You only got that because you knew my mom would buy it for me!\nCartman: Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepe- Oh, you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase.\nKyle: He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius!\nCartman: He's not a genius; he's a little douchebag.\nIke: I pooped my pants!\nKyle: He's smarter than you, fat boy! I don't even know how you made it into fourth grade! I thought-\nCartman: Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out my annoying friend. Please initiate music, country, high volume. [soft music plays and Cartman starts to dance]\nKyle: Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman! [music continues, and the bus rolls up]\nScene Description: School bus. The boys take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit behind Kyle, Stan, and Ike. Stan, Kyle and Kenny notice a disheveled man on the other side of the bus\nStan: Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus.\nMs. Crabtree: Sit down and shut up!!\nStan: But they smell like pee.\nMan: [in European accent] I am not a homeless person. I am a new fourth-grade student.\nKyle: You are?\nMan: Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.\nStan: Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?\nBill: I was held back ten human grades. [grimaces and grunts] I mean, grades. Do you companion-friends know Eric Cartman?\nCartman: Yeah, that's me.\nBill: Eric Cartman? And you have a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000?\nCartman: Yeahhh, you already know about it?\nBill: Yes. Yes, I do.\nCartman: Well... [mocking] \"Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!\"\nKyle: I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!\nStan: Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?\nKyle: No, I don't! I don't care!\nCartman: [stick the notebook out] Here, Kyle. [Bill stares at Cartman's Trapper Keeper]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. The room appears festive, the wall adorned with a beaming sun with rays coming from it, rolling hills with trees here and there. The kids enter and take their places at the round table. Two miffed boys stand by the door as Ike enters the room\nBoy #1: Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's s'posed to be some kind of genius.\nBoy #2: Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten.\nBoy #1*: Come on. [The two boys walk up to Ike and sit on the chairs on either side of him] So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? Do you think you know more about the world just because you are only 3 and we're 5?\nIke: Unkoo baba.\nMr. Garrison: [enters the room] Okay, children, let's take our seats. [closes the door and approaches the table] My name is Mr. Garrison, and I'm the new kindergarten teacher. I used to be the third grade teacher, but I had a little [wags the index and ring finger of each hand] \"nervous breakdown\" and went into the mountains where I lived off of \"rat carcasses\". [a view of some of the kids' reactions] But I'm all better now, and the school was nice enough to let me go on teaching, as long as it was for kindergarten. [a view of other kids' reactions] But it's not a demotion. No. I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade and now is teaching kindergarten, that's not a demotion, is it? [the kids look confused] No, that's right, it's not. Well, let's start with roll call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?\nFilmore*: Here.\nMr. Garrison: Sally Bands?\nSally: Here.\nMr. Garrison: Ike Broflovski?\nIke: Cookie Monster.\nMr. Garrison: Broflovski, I had your older brother Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too. [Fillmore and his friend glare at Ike] Well that's bad news for everybody else, because I will be grading you all on a curve. [Ike looks at Filmore and friend and starts to sink in his seat]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, fourth grade room. The class is present, along with \"Bill Cosby\" Cartman elaborates on the wonderful attributes of his Trapper Keeper\nCartman: And so the other thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically. [Kyle glares at him with arms crossed.] I can take something as simple as this calculator [a Wellington Bear model] and... Trapper Keeper?\nTrapper Keeper: [its TV screen turns on] Trapper Keeper active.\nCartman: Hybrid with Wellington Bear calculator.\nTrapper Keeper: Ready for hybrid. [Two cables reach out and grab the calculator and pull it into a ready slot. Cartman closes the Trapper Keeper]\nCartman: And now it can use Wellington Bear calculator, too.\nKids: Wow.\nBill: [reaches over Cartman's shoulder] May I hold your Trapper Keeper?\nCartman: Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, because it is coded to the prints on my fingers. [wiggles them outstretched] If anybody but me tries to hold it, big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands.\nKyle: Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! Metal spikes will not come out!\nCartman: Oh really? [hands the folder over to Kyle] Then, why don't you hold it? [Kyle looks at it in Cartman's outstretched hand.] Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it. [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.\nKyle: I'm gonna!\nCartman: [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.\nKyle: I will!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. Mr. Garrison is telling his life story to the kids\nMr. Garrison: And that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended. There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, but things between us are a little better. [some of the kids are stunned. Garrison starts writing on the board] Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president, [writes up \"KINDERGARTEN CLASS PRESIDENT\" on the chalkboard and underlines it] so first we must pick nominees. [turns and faces the class] Who would like to nominate someone?\nBoy #2: I nominate Filmore, because he's the smartest kid in the class.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, Filmore. [writes the name on the board] You'll be our first nominee. And who else? [a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny.\nJenny: I gotta go doodie.\nMr. Garrison: In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to nominate a class president? [the kids stay quiet] Oh, come on! You can't have an election with just one person running! What's the fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're a genius.\nIke: [looks at an angry Fillmore and friend] No.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, our second nominee is Ike the genius. [writes the name up on the board. Filmore and friend stare at a chagrined Ike] Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee. Filmore, why don't you go first?\nFilmore: [leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] If I'm elected class president, I'll call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank you. [returns to his seat]\nMr. Garrison: Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about you?\nIke: [leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] Cookie Monster. Ice.\nMr. Garrison: ...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. The four boys stand around the tetherball pole while two kids in front of them toss a football, two girls walk by behind them, another kid climbs the jungle gym, and another rocks on a hobby elephant\nStan: Oh, no, dude, here comes that weird new kid.\nBill: Ahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your human friend? [winces] I mean, friend?\nCartman: I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed to have any male friends that are over 30. I kind of screwed on that once.\nBill: Please. We can have fun and play games, like human four square- [coughs up] I mean, four square.\nCartman: Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend; it doesn't work that way. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to pay me.\nBil: Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones- Uh, I mean, human dollars! Eugh, I mean dollars!\nCartman: Okay, that's cool.\nBil: [holds up the tetherball] Can we play some human tetherball?\nCartman: A-alright. Pretty sweet, you guys, getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball with some- [by this time, \"Bill\" has pulled away from the pole and Cartman, and has the tether taut and ready to release]\nBil: Serve! [whips the ball at Cartman, knocking him onto his back. The Trapper Keeper falls away and lands next to Kenny. \"Bill\" makes his move]\nCartman: Ugh..! [\"Bill\" goes after the Trapper Keeper and runs away with it]\nBil: Got it!\nCartman: Ey!\nStan: Dude! He's running off with your Trapper Keeper! [just then, spikes come out of the Trapper Keeper and some of them go clear through \"Bill's\" hands.]\nBill: [stops and looks at his pierced hands] Waa-agggh! [clenches his teeth and continues running]\nCartman: You son of a bitch! [recalls something] Wait a minute. [whips out a small gadget and activates it] Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper homing device. [walks towards the source of the sound heard in the device and away from his friends]\nStan: [confused] What the hell just happened?\nKyle: [angry] Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna be different.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Kindergarten. Mr. Garrison tallies up the votes so far on the board...\nMr. Garrison: So that's six votes for Filmore and six votes for Ike. [sets the chalk down and reads the last ballot] And the last vote is for... Uh, let's see. Flora, I can't tell who you voted for. [Flora, a timid, pretty blond girl trying to bury her face into her laps, which are raised up on the chair, is shown] You've got the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?\nFlora: I don't know... [smiles and looks down and away]\nMr. Garrison: Flora, you have to pick one. Filmore or Ike?\nFlora: Um, I vote for... I don't know.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well, you're just gonna have to sit there, Flora, and think about it until you come up with an answer.\nFlora: Okay.\nBoy #: Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go home.\nFlora: Um...\nSally: No! You want Ike to be president.\nFilmore: We're gonna be here all night! Why don't you guys just concede?\nTwo kids: Yeah!\nSally: Why don't you just concede?\nOther kids: Yeah! [the kids start to argue]\nSome Kids: Filmore!\nOther Kids: Ike!\nGirl: I want Ike to be president! [several kids from Filmore's side rush across the table to kids on Ike's side]\nMr. Garrison: Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch o' kids!\nScene Description: South Park, day. A police car zooms down the street. Officer Barbrady flies down the road in the police cruiser with Cartman in the passenger seat and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the back seat. Cartman has the Trapper Tracker Keeper in his hand and is following the Trapper Keeper's signal on the Tracker's screen\nCartman: Turn left here! We're getting close! Get your gun ready!\nBarbrady: Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder.\nCartman: [grabs Barbrady's ] It was not a school folder, it was a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000! And if- [spots \"Bill\"] There he is!\nBill: [turns to see the cruiser coming his way] Wagh!\nCartman: Got ya! [grabs the steering wheel from Barbrady]\nBarbrady: Hey! [Cartman steers the cruiser into a building, crushing \"Bill\" and rattling the building]\nBill: Gaagghhh! [crumples to the floor. Barbrady and the others exit the car and gather at Bill. His left arm has been amputated, revealing functioning wires. The lower half holding the Trapper Keeper in hand. Barbrady and the boys stare in shock]\nKyle: Whoa, dude..!\nScene Description: End of act one. Time: 7:50\nScene Description: same time, later...\nCartman: Ahh, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?\nBill: Please. You do not understand.\nCartman: [takes his place] Book him, Barbrady. Another job well done.\nBill: [plaintive] That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!\nStan: Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?\nBarbrady: Bill Cosby?\nBill: Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really Bill Cosby. [the boys and Barbrady show shock] My name is BSM-471. I am a cyborg engineered by humans from the year 2034.\nBarbrady: Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!\nBSM-471: I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper, because it was the Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cartman in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being, and destroys all of humanity. In the year 2004, a hybrid-assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer. From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world. [cables reach out from the Trapper Keeper and engulf two computers. The process continues engulfing all of the US] It became stronger and stronger, until by the year 2018 it broke away from mankind [skulls litter the landscape] and there was nothing the humans could do. [in the distance a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper tower rises] It wasn't long before Mighty Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything it saw as useless, including humans. [people are shot left and right from the Trapper Keeper's weapons] The nations tried everything to stop it. [troops line up and fire at the Trapper Keeper] Nuclear devices, seismic missiles. But nothing worked. [robotic tanks come into view, firing away at the Trapper Keeper] The humans built robots of their own, whole armies of them. [DC TK209s approach the advancing armies and fire at them] But nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper. [the battle scene fades, and BSM-471 is shown once again on the ground] And so finally, the humans decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started.\nStan: Wow, that's amazing.\nKyle: Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast.\nStan: What do you think, Officer Barbrady?\nBarbrady: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.\nBSM-471: And so, Eric. Now you see why we must destroy your Trapper Keeper.\nCartman: [long pause] You guys. Did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?\nStan: Cartman, it takes over the world and destroy all of humanity!\nCartman: What would you guys have me do, huh?! Walk around with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you want?!\nStan: Yes!\nCartman: Aw, damnit! [throws his Trapper Keeper to the ground] Here! Take it! You want my heart as well?! You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes! [walks off to his left sadly]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The class is looking at Flora. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair looking bored\nFlora: I decided.\nMr. Garrison: [jumps up] Oh, thank God, Flora! [gets ready to write] Alright, who do you vote for?\nFlora: Umm... Ike.\nSupporters: Yay!\nMr. Garrison: [adds the tally to Ike's total] Okay, so then the total is six for Filmore and now seven votes for Ike. Ike is the new class president.\nFilmore: We want a recount.\nMr. Garrison: [miffed] What?\nFilmore's Supporters: Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, of all the juvenile things I've ever heard! You lost, Filmore! Don't be such a baby! [Filmore cries and throws a tantrum, pounding away on the classroom table] Alright, alright, I'll count up the ballots again. Okay, we had one vote for Filmore... [writes Filmore's name on the board. A time lapse shows him writing on a crowded board now] ...And this time, I again get six votes for Filmore and seven votes for Ike.\nFilmore: Count them again.\nSupporters: Yeah!\nMr. Garrison: No, children! I've recounted 106 times now and I keep coming up with seven to six! Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen. It's over! Ike is class president!\nKid #2: Wait, there's still that absent kid.\nFillmore: Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, will you grow up?!\nSupporters: [clamoring] Absent kids count! Absent kids count! Absent kids count!\nMr. Garrison: Jesus..! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote. Now go home! [the kids leave]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, next day.\nBSM-471: Good morning, humans.\nStan/Kyle: Hey, Bill Cosby.\nBSM-471: I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burned the memory chips, and sent the wiring to the four corners of Canada.\nKyle: That should do it.\nStan: So what are you going to do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?\nBSM-471: Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcernment. I am still here, but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper Keeper has been stopped, then I should not exist. But here I am. Something is still not right.\nCartman: [walks up with another Trapper Keeper] Hey, dudes.\nStan: Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!\nCartman: Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went home and told my mom that I lost the last one. Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a new one! [holds it up high] So everything worked out.\nBSM-471: [frightened] Oh no!\nKyle: Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get a new one!\nCartman: Why the hell not?!\nStan: Because if your Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was this Trapper Keeper and not the one before!\nCartman: Wait... so then you guys burned my last one for no reason!\nBSM-471: We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper.\nCartman: [holds his Trapper Keeper close] But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one.\nKyle: Don't you get it?! You can't have any Trapper Keepers, fat ass!\nCartman: Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what I think? I think this whole thing is a setup! That's right! Kyle got this guy to say that he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of my Trapper Keeper! And you know what else? Screw you guys. I'm going home. [moves off to his left]\nStan: Cartman!\nCartman: Ech! Screw you guys. Home. [walks away]\nBSM-471: Well, that does it! [pull out a pocket phaser from his overcoat and aims it at Cartman]\nKyle: Hey! What are you doing?\nBSM-471: I'm afraid I have no other choice. [pulls the phaser back] For the sake of humanity, I have to kill him.\nKyle: Oh... Okay.\nStan: Yeah, that's fine. [\"Bill\" aims the phaser once again] No, wait!\nBSM-471: What?\nStan: Can I do it?\nBSM-471: Oh, well, I suppose. [tosses the phaser to Stan]\nStan: [takes it and quickly aims] Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fat boy!\nBSM-471: Wait! [grabs it back] Perhaps there is another way. If you could take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.\nStan: Well, yeah, or we could just kill him.\nKyle: Yeah, that'd be faster.\nStan: He's right there.\nBSM-471: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you humons call \"compassion\". It is an amazing feeling!\nStan/Kyle/ Kenny: Awww..!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison stands before the class and begins to speak\nMr. Garrison: Alright children, as you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Ms. Harris? [she walks in with a little boy attached to IV bag on a pole. The kid hands him the ballot and coughs out an organ] Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung. [Billy starts to walk away, then stops to pick it up] Alright, the absent kid's ballot is for... [reads] Filmore.\nSupporters: Yay./Hooray. [Mr. Garrison adds Billy's vote to Filmore's tally]\nSally: Wait one minute!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ.\nSally: I think the ballot were misleading. Some kids didn't understand whom they were voting for.\nMr. Garrison: There's a box next to Filmore's name and a box next to Ike's! What's not to understand?\nFilmore: [pointing at Sally] You're just saying that, 'cause you know you're gonna lose now.\nSally: No, I'm saying that because you are a boogerface!\nFilmore: Well, just you wait, 'cause my famous aunt is on huh way right now.\nMr. Garrison: Who's your famous aunt?\nFilmore: My aunt Rosie, Rosie O'Donnell.\nMr. Garrison: Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming here?\nFilmore: Yeah, she's very active in politics. So she's gonna set all this straight.\nMr. Garrison: [resigned] Oh no..!\nScene Description: Cartman residence, day, Cartman's room. Cartman sets the Trapper Keeper in a tray, then secures it onto a docking bay and plugs a cable into it\nTrapper Keeper: Recharging.\nCartman: Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper. I would never let those assholes take you away.[singing his own Dawson's Creek theme song] I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper to be overThe ways of my Trap-\nTrapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper ready to ensorb. [cables reach out and grab Cartman's computer like a giant hand, and pull it towards the Trapper Keeper]\nCartman: Oh, cool.\nTrapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, merging. [cables reach out and grab a lamp and a Wellington Bear desk clock]\nCartman: [softly] Whoa...\nScene Description: End of act two. Time: 13:59\nScene Description: Cartman residence, day, dining room. \"Bill\" is seated at the head of the table, with Liane and Kenny to his right, and Stan and Kyle to his left\nBSM-471: And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. Not now! Not ever!\nLiane: Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness.\nBSM-471: Correct.\nLiane: Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, then... Bill. [starts flirting with him]\nBSM-471: Good. Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now. Where is he?\nLiane: In his room. But, why don't I show you the rest of the house first? [pulls \"Bill\" from the chair]\nStan: Uh-oh.\nKyle: Here we go again.\nLiane: Come this way, Billy. [takes him away from the table]\nStan: Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves. [he and Kenny leave the table, with Kyle following]\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is getting friendly with his Trapper Keeper\nCartman: Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper Keeper. You kick ass!I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get-\nStan: [knocks on the door] Open up, Cartman! We're taking your Trapper Keeper! [Cartman hops off his chair and dances to the door. He locks it and continues singing]\nCartman: Screw you guys, screw you guysScrew you guys, scr-\nTrapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.\nCartman: Huh? [walks towards his computer]\nKyle: [in the hallway, pounds on the door] Dammit, Cartman, open up!\nTrapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid.\nCartman: Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with now? [cables come from the monitor and grab him] Ugh-!\nStan: [pounds on the door] Cartman, you might as well open up! We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom. [he and Kyle now notice the groans coming from the room]\nKyle: Cartman? [inside, cables wrap tight around his face and go in, transforming his body into a grotesque hybrid, and the hybrid begins to grow] He's not gonna open it. Break it down.\nStan: You break it down!\nKyle: Okay. Ready? One, two, three, not it!\nStan: Not it! You lose, Kenny. [he and Kyle quickly step out of the way]\nKenny: (Awww..!) [goes to the far wall and then rushes the door, only to be plastered against the far wall...] (Argh-!) [...by the unhinged bedroom door being pushed out by the evolving Trapper Keeper. The boys are frozen in place with mouths open]\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: You ba-! [the boys make a run for it down the hall and down the stairs as the Trapper Keeper oozes out of Cartman's room]\nScene Description: Cartman residence, outside. The front door opens and Stan and Kyle rush outside and away\nStan/Kyle: Agggghhh! [the Trapper Keeper bursts through every window in the house and then the house begins to crumble around it. It collapses in on itself. moves away from the house, leaving \"Bill\" and Liane in bed fully exposed to the elements]\nLiane: [on top] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison sits with the class around the table and hears some ominous noise\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing? Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]\nRosie O'Donnell: Hello, kids!\nFilmore: Aunt Rosie!\nMr. Garrison: [in a panic] Run for your lives, children! [grabs a bat] I'll try to fight it off!\nFilmore: That's my aunt, Rosie O'Donnell.\nMr. Garrison: Oh. Oh, um... Pleasure to meet you, Miss Donnell. You're looking... well.\nRosie O'Donnell: Don't worry, kids. Everything's gonna be fine. What's the problem?\nFilmore: Aunt Rosie. We think I won class president.\nIke Supporter: No, Ike won.\nMr. Garrison: Look, it's very simple. We took a vote and the vote tied, so now we gotta come up with a way-\nRosie O'Donnell: Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it? I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher could've handled this, but now we're gonna do it my way!\nScene Description: South Park, outskirts. The Trapper Keeper enters the scene and demolishes the sign\nTrapper Keeper: [now with Cartman's voice] We are Trapper Keeper.\nBSM-471: [on a bluff with Stan and Kyle looking at the Trapper Keeper leave town] Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!\nKyle: Why is that bad?\nBSM-471: It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain that it was able to fuse into all defensive computers!\nStan: Then we have to stop it before it gets there! [leads the others off the bluff and onto a waiting cruiser. \"Bill\" takes the wheel and Kyle takes the passenger window seat]\nKyle: Step on it, Bill Cosby! [\"Bill\" starts the cruiser and drives off]\nScene Description: The road to Cheyenne Mountain. All is quiet. Two security guards wait at the entrance reading newspapers. The one wearing glasses looks up\nGuard 2: Hey, Mark, look.\nMark: Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen. [a police siren is heard, and promptly \"Bill\" arrives with Stan and Kyle. They hop out of the car and face the Trapper Keeper]\nStan: Cartman, you have to stop!\nTrapper Keeper: We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.\nBSM-471: A part of your friend must still be alive in there. [the three of them study the Trapper Keeper from a distance until Stan finds a ventilation hose coming out of it. Smoke comes out of it, and a fart is heard]\nStan: He is in there.\nBSM-471: That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation. If one of you could get in there, you could reach the CPU.\nStan: One-two-three, not it!\nKyle: Not- Aw, damnit..! [walks up to the hissing hose and climbs in]\nScene Description: Interior. Kyle makes his way in and scrambles through a field of organs until he reaches the memory core. The valves open up and suck Kyle into the core. Kyle floats through the core, à la 2001: A Space Odyssey'\nCartman: [à la HAL 9000] What are you doing, Kyle?\nKyle: I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman. I need to remove the CPU.\nCartman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.\nKyle: Screw you, fat ass!\nCartman: Hey, screw you.\nKyle: Cartman! [hits a wall with a wrench]\nCartman: Agh-! [four metallic arms from all directions reach out to trap him, then six more organic ones come in to secure him]\nKyle: No!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids run around arguing with each other and carry signs\nRosie O'Donnell: [sits on a chair with Filmore on her lap] Okay, so then what we're going to do is count everybody's vote by hand, and after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually, and then-\nMr. Garrison: [throws a fit] Oh, stop it, stop it! Stop i-i-it! [the kids and Rosie look at him] Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together. We have to respect one another or else we're in for a terrible school year. [the kindergarteners looks at each other]\nRosie O'Donnell: [furiously] We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated!\nMr. Garrison: Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew, so what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! [Rosie goes offended upon hearing this] Well, just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds! [the kindergarteners gasp] ...Oh, sorry I got a little off the subject there, kids.\nRosie O'Donnell: [stands up throwing Filmore off] How dare you! I will not be preached at by a country bumpkin! [heads for the door and stands at the entrance] I'm leaving this Podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press than you have ever seen! [exits and slams the door shut]\nMr. Garrison: Oh no, children, I think I've just made this a whole lot worse.\nScene Description: End of act three. Time: 18:58\nScene Description: South Park, a red sunset. A picture of the four main characters of Dawson's Creek is present. Camera zooms out, revealing Trapper Keeper covering Cheyenne Mountain. A slimy appendage reaches out and grabs a phone both next to two ladies\nLadies: Aaghh! [hurry away. The Trapper Keeper absorbs the phone booth, and another of its appendages goes after a police car]\nCops: Wagghh! [hurry away. In the distance \"Bill,\" the two security guards, and Stan watch Trapper Keeper get bigger and bigger. Behind them, the rest of South Park gathers and sees the spectacle]\nMark: Well that does it. I'm gonna have to report this. [whips out a walkie-talkie and starts] Car one to base- [another appendage reaches down and pulls him up and away] Aghh! [Trapper Keeper swallows him up]\nBSM-471: It is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop!\nStan: Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got to.\nScene Description: Interior. Kyle struggles to make his way out of the little situation he's in\nKyle: I can't reach the CPU.\nScene Description: Cheyenne Mountain, outside. A limo speeds up to the scene and encounters the Trapper Keeper, which is beginning to look like the tower in \"Bill\"'s prophecy. Rosie O'Donnell pops out and walks up to it\nRosie: What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!\nGuard 2: Oh, no! Now there's two of those things!\nStan: No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell. [an indecisive appendage hovers over Rosie]\nGuard 2: Huh? Which one? I-It's just like I'm seeing double.\nRosie: [to Trapper Keeper] I said, get out of my way! [another appendage wraps around her and tries to pull her in] Aaaaggghhhh!!! [Trapper Keeper swells and heaves, and the fleshy appendage swallows Rosie up] Ogh. Noo- [the appendage pulls her up and into Trapper Keeper]\nTrapper Keeper: Eeww.\nBSM-471: Look! I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.\nTrapper Keeper: Oohh... Bad pie... Bad pie... [begins to deflate and wither. Its appendages wither and begin to drop off as it darkens]\nStan: This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has weakened!\nScene Description: Interior. Cartman releases his hold on Kyle and Kyle drops to the floor. He quickly moves to the wall panel containing the CPU and pulls the CPU out along with some memory chips\nKyle: Got 'em!\nScene Description: Cheyenne Mountain, outside. Trapper Keeper turns into a big mass of goo, and Kyle and Cartman are spat out. Rosie ends up half-eaten. Everybody begins to approach Kyle and Cartman\nStan: He did it!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids are seated around the round table, and their lawyers stand behind them arguing. Mr. Garrison sits at the head of the table listening\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's side have agreed with the lawyers on Filmore's side to hold another meeting regarding Form 22F. Do we all have that form? [the door opens, and in walks...]\nJesse Jackson: Is this the kindergarten classroom?\nMr. Garrison: Jesse Jackson?\nJesse Jackson: That's right! I believe the African-American in your class were misrepresented!\nMr. Garrison: [covering his face] We don't have any African-Americans in our class!\nJesse Jackson: Oh. Bye. [turns and walks out. Filmore raises his hand]\nMr. Garrison: Alright, so apparently what we're gonna do now is hand-count each person's ballot-\nFilmore: Mistoreh Garrison, I concede. [Mr. Garrison's jaw drops, as do those of Filmore's lawyers]\nMr. Garrison: You... yuh, you what?\nFilmore: I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid.\nSally: Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.\nFilmore: Ike, you could be class president.\nIke: I pooped my pants!\nSally: [throws up her hands] Can we fingerpaint now?\nKids: [clamoring] Fingerpaint! Fingerpaint!\nMr. Garrison: Ohuh... Yes. [exults] Yes! Let's fingerpaint!\nScene Description: Cheyenne Mountain. Stan and the others reach Cartman and Kyle\nStan: You did it, Kyle! [to Cartman] Kyle saved your life, fat ass!\nBSM-471: Look! I'm fading! [begins to fade from view] It must have worked. I don't exist! [disappears]\nStan: Huh, that's a bitch.\nCartman: Oh. Well, I guess everything's fine now. So let's go home.\nStan: Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've been doing is making fun of Kyle and now he's saved your life! You at least owe him a thank you!\nCartman: Awww, man...\nStan: Cartman!\nCartman: Alright, alright. [sighs] Kyle..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stage rehearsal, day. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in costume on stage. Stan is dressed in a white suit and bowtie, and a fake beard and mustache. Kyle is dressed as a country doctor with starched collar, and Wendy is dressed in white pants, purple coat and beret, and bowtie. The stage itself has a door prop and a tripod table with a bowl and jar atop it. Kyle enters through the door.\nWendy: Doctor, doctor! Will our daughter be okay?\nKyle: I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but I'm afraid your daughter Helen still cannot see, hear, or speak.\nWendy: Oh no! NO!\nStan: 'Ere 'ere, my good wife, 'ere is nothing we can do.\nWendy: My poor little Helen.\nTimmy: [enters through the prop door in blue dress and wig, and holding a doll - Helen Keller!] Timmiihhh!\nWendy: She can't see or hear us, John.\nTimmy: Heh-aaaah, Timmih!\nStan: [very slurred - John Keller] E-yes. Perhaps she should go to an asyluh.\nCartman: [in the second front row, directing] Stan, what the hell is wrong with you? I can't understand your lines!\nStan: 'Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.\nKyle: Can we take a lunch break now?\nCartman: No! If we want our play to be better than the kindergartners' play, we have to rehearse as much as possible! Now let's continue the scene!\nBebe: [enters the scene] Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan, and I believe I can teach this child to communicate.\nStan: Uh-eally? Uh you think so?\nBebe: [slaps some water from a pitcher into Timmy's right hand] Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!\nTimmy: Agh oh-ight, Timmih!\nCartman: God-damnit, Timmy! Helen Keller isn't supposed to talk!\nButters: [a camera follows him to the auditorium at butt level; another camera shows him entering the room] Hey you guys! We got a big problem! [rushes onto the stage]\nKyle: What is it, Butters?\nButters: The kindergartners! I just came from their dress rehearsal. Hoh, it's good, you guys. It's real good!\nCartman: How good?\nButters: They got Pilgrim outfits! And Indian ones, too! They've got singing and dancing and boy you've never seen such a show! Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!\nClyde: Oh, no!\nKyle: We can't be outdone by the kindergartners!\nClyde: Oh, now what?\nStan: Oh yeah, we can't!\nCartman: Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look, we still got four days until the Thanksgiving festival; that's plenty of time to revamp our play!\nKyle: Revamp how? The rules are that the fourth grade class has to perform the Helen Keller Story.\nCartman: Yeah, but nobody told us how we had to do it. We can have Thanksgiving stuff and music numbers, too.\nClyde: Well, we can add music numbers, but how do we make the Helen Keller story more Thanksgivingy?\nWendy: I know! How about, instead of a dog, Helen Keller has a pet turkey.\nToken: Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks.\nKids: Yeah\nCartman: That's the spirit, gang! Alright. Stan and Wendy, you go out and find some musical instruments! Kenny and Clyde, take some kids and buy some Thanksgiving decorations for the set! Kyle and Timmy, you go out and find a turkey!\nKyle: Okay!\nCartman: This is gonna be the best version of the Miracle Worker ever!\nKids: Yay!\nScene Description: a barn, with no snow around it. Cows are grazing on the grass outside. Inside, a rancher shows Timmy and Kyle around the barn.\nRancher: What kind of turkey are you lookin' for?\nKyle: A smart one, that can do tricks.\nRancher: Well, I ain't got a whole lot left, it bein' almost Thanksgiving and all. [opens a turkey pen so the boys can see] Go ahead, just pick one out. [Timmy looks pleased, looks around, and settles on a deformed turkey which walks with its head against the ground]\nTimmy: [apparently having chosen his turkey] Timmaay! [the turkey blinks at him]\nRancher: [notices the turkey] Oh, that one's a little messed up. Not exactly the... pick of the litter.\nTimmy: Haaaaa!\nKyle: Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids with that turkey they're gonna be pissed!\nTimmy: TIMMAY!\nRancher: Yeah. Best you not take that one. I was just about to take it out in the yard and putt a bullet in its head.\nKyle: What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!\nTimmy: T-TIIMMAY TIMMAY!\nKyle: Alright, we'll take him. How much?\nRancher: Fifty bucks.\nKyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!\nRancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.\nKyle: [thinks] ...God-damnit, here! [the rancher takes the money, walks over to get the turkey, and delivers the turkey to Timmy] Alright, Timmy, let's go! [Kyle and Timmy leave]\nRancher: I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like, too.\nKyle: Aw, blow it out your ass!\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre. Here is where the class has been rehearsing for the play. The marquee reads: \"THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA WEDNESDAY\" Inside, Cartman has most of the kids on stage with a man...\nCartman: Guys, I want you all to meet Jeffrey Maynard. He's South Park's biggest expert on musical theater, AND, he played the lead in Les Misérables at the Denver Community Playhouse for five weeks.\nKids: [flatly] Bravo.\nWendy: Do you think we could make up a good Thanksgiving play in four days?\nJeffrey Maynard: [lyrically] I would swear it on my life. Your play shall want for nothing.\nKids: Hooray!\nJeffrey Maynard: Now, the first thing a good musical needs is a big opening number. Something that sets up the entire show.\nCartman: Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in the turkey! [Timmy's turkey sidles in with its head on the ground. Kyle and Timmy follow] What the hell is that?\nKyle: It's a turkey. [long pause] His name is Gobbles.\nTimmy: GOBBLES! [Gobbles gobbles]\nCartman: And where... pray... is our beautiful trick performing turkey?\nKyle: Um, we... sssort of spend all the money on this... one...\nTimmy: GOBBLES! [Gobbles gobbles]\nCartman: [looks at Kyle for a long time] Kyle, can I talk to you over here for a second? [they walk off to one side of the stage and stop, out of earshot] Kyle? Why do you do these things to me?\nKyle: I didn't do anything to you. Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it. What do you want me to say to him?\nCartman: You say, \"No, Timmy, you can't have that turkey! Bad Timmy!\"\nKyle: [the rest of the cast approaches] Look, I know it isn't exactly what we wanted, but maybe we can train it.\n?????: He's not gonna work, Kyle. The whole point was to make our play better than the kindergartners.\nToken: Yeah, that turkey sucks.\nJeffrey Maynard: [lyrically] Wait! What's that, you say? A thanksgiving turkey is what you require? I know of a turkey.\nStan: You do?\nJeffrey Maynard: [lyrically] During my years on Broadway I... worked with a turkey who could do all kinds of tricks. She even jumped through a hoop of fire.\nCartman: Cool! Can you get it for us?\nJeffrey Maynard: I will go promptly and call her trainer. On the morrow you shall have your trick performing turkey.\nKids: Alright! [Timmy takes Gobbles and wheels off stage]\nScene Description: South Park, Timmy's house, night. Timmy is in his room with a hula hoop in hand, sitting on the floor\nTimmy: Gobbles! [shows him the hoop and points to it. Gobbles just blinks. Timmy tries again] Gobbles! [Gobbles blinks, then walks up to the hoop and lifts his head through it. Timmy is dismayed] Up, heh. Uh! [coaxes Gobbles through the hoop. Gobbles trips and falls out. Timmy grins] Heeey, Gobbles! [Gobbles gets up and walks away. Timmy pulls out a lighter and sets the hoop aflame] Gobbles. [Gobbles just stares and Timmy urges] Gobbles! [Gobbles poops]\nScene Description: South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is in his room rewriting a part of the play.\nCartman: No no! [tosse another sheet over his shoulder, to join other wads on the floor. His mother enters the room]\nLiane: Boopsie-kins, It's late. You need to be in bed.\nCartman: I can't sleep, Mom! I have to write the lyrics for the opening song of our Helen Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!\nLiane: Now, hon!\nCartman: [whining a bit] But [turns around] Mo-o-om, I have to write these lyrics so the plight of Helen Keller can be realized by the common man.\nLiane: Twenty more minutes, and that's it. [exits and closes the door]\nCartman: [spins around and gets back to work] Twenty minutes! Does Tim Rice's mom give him twenty minutes to write the lyrics to \"Phantom Of The Opera\"?! [looks at a small portrait of Helen Keller on his desk, picks it up and studies it] Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice. [after looking at the portrait some more, he gets frustrated and slams the portrait onto the desk] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!\nScene Description: South Park, Timmy's house. Timmy is in bed asleep. Soon, Gobbles hops up on the bed and drops his head on the covers. He slowly inches up to Timmy's face, looking at Timmy all the while, and settles in next to him. Gobbles soon falls asleep. Timmy's left hand comes to rest on Gobbles' body. An exterior shot with the moon low in the sky is shown and fades out.\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, next day. rehearsal. Clyde is speaking under a spotlight\nClyde: Tonight we present the story of a courageous girl and her fight against depression\nCartman: [in the audience] OP-pression!\nClyde: Oppression. Our play begins in a simpler time. [music comes up] Alabama, in the late 1800s [spotlight goes off, Clyde walks off stage, curtains open. A lone house stands against a desert background and clouds float high against the sky-blue backdrop. Dancing singers begin]\nActors: 1800's, Alabama! What a great place and time!We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny and there is no crime!\nJeffrey: [in the audience] Now to the refrain!\nActors: And in this little town in 1800's Alabama there's a family by the name of Keller! [They dance off to one side of the house. A water pump appears] Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat, and her parents can't even tell her!!\nLamond: [a man with a small animal cage enters] Excuse me, I am Lamond, the animal trainer.\nClyde: Oh. [quickly calls the others] Cool! He's here! [the other kids gather]\nCartman: Awesome! Do you have a turkey that can do tricks?\nLamond: Ap ap! Do not call them tricks! She's a very sensitive turkey! She performs feats, not tricks. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the most beautiful bird in America! [sets the cage down] Four-time prize winner of the National Western Stock Show and reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com! I give you Alinicia! [one serious turkey walks out of the cage, and the kids are impressed]\nCartman: Yeh.\nOthers: Wow.\nCartman: Whoa.\nBebe: Her feathers are beautiful.\nClyde: That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.\nLamond: Of course she is! [she looks back at the kids and thrusts her beak in the air]\nCartman: Okay! Now we can really get this thing underway! Places, everybody! [the kids move back...] Where the hell is Timmy?\nTimmy: [off screen] TIM-MIH! [all turn and face him. He's in costume with Gobbles before him. Gobbles raises his head and gobbles]\nLamond: What... is... that?!\nCartman: Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged turkey. [Timmy takes his lighter and sets his hoop on fire, then lowers it for his bird]\nTimmy: Gobbles! [Gobbles makes no move] Gobbles?!\nKyle: Timmy, we already got a turkey.\nClyde: Yeah, and it's from Broadway.\nTimmy: [indicates his turkey] Gobbles.\nCartman: No, Timmy! That handicapped turkey does not go in our play!\nKyle: Dude, don't forget: Timmy is the only kid who can play Helen Keller. Don't piss him off.\nCartman: No, that's right. Only Timmy knows the part.\nTimmy: [stubborn] Tim-mih.\nCartman: Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen Keller can have TWO pet turkeys! [Alinicia protests vigorously, shedding feathers everywhere]\nLamond: My turkey does not work with other turkeys!\nCartman: Oh, God-damnit, now what are we gonna do?!\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, later. Hallway outside a dressing room. The door opens and Lamond stands there trying to calm Alinicia down\nLamond: Alright, ah ah alright! Alri- ah a-alright. Alright. [exits and closes the door]\nCartman: [walks up] Dude, we need your turkey for our play!\nLamond: She's not coming out. She's very upset! She's pooped all over the room!\nCartman: I know, I know, but listen: Uh, let me try to explain the position I'm in here. The retarded turkey belongs to our friend, Timmy. And Timmy's the only person who knows the part of Helen Keller. So, so tell me what I can do here to make everybody happy?\nLamond: [ominously] Kill the other turkey!\nCartman: I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for it.\nLamond: Well, it could meet with \"an unfortunate accident.\"\nCartman: Unfortunate accident? You mean, like Geena Davis getting her own TV show? [laughs, but realizes he's alone in this] Oh.\nLamond: It's very simple! Either that turkey meets with an unfortunate accident, or you don't have a feat-performing turkey for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving musical!\nCartman: Alright, alright! Just get your turkey to stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for rehearsal! I'll take care of everything. [walks off]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Bebe and Timmy are front and center while the others stand in a row in the background\nBebe: [enunciating] Water, Helen. It has a name. Oh, why can't you understand?\nTimmy: Dehh haaa. [unimpressed looks from Cartman, Jeffrey, and Lamond]\nBebe: Water, Helen, Water.\nKids: She's never gonna do it. There's no way she'll ever do it.\nBebe: Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.\nKids: How can she talk if she can't hear? This is absolutely pointless!\nCartman: Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's hold it right there a second. [whisks himself onstage] Okay, I just want to adjust the blocking real quick. Hm-let's see. Uh, why don't we have Turkey #2 [starts moving Gobbles along] stand just a little bit more over... [puts it behind the Comedy Central logo] here. [mulls over the position] Let's see, maybe a little more up in here. [moves it a bit towards stage center] And just a wee bit over here. [Gobbles is back behind the logo, a bit] And right about... [moves Gobbles a bit back] hm'ere. [steps back] There we go. Good. [goes off stage. A cable whips out of place somewhere. A lighting fixture falls on Kenny and kills him]\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nJeffrey: Whoa-aaaa [dances away]\nCartman: Aw, crap! I must've rigged the wrong light!\nJeffrey: [onstage, walks up to Kenny's corpse, then gets lyrical] Let him rest in peace. Let him rest. Why must he die?\nButters: [a camera follows him to the auditorium at butt level; another camera shows him entering the room] They've got special effects! [Jeffrey continues singing in the background]\nKyle: What Butters? [Butters meets the others onstage]\nButters: The kindergartners! They've got amazing stage effects. Pyrotechnics and what have yous. Why, it's a regular feast for the eyes!\nWendy: Oh, no!\nClyde: We're never gonna outdo them now! [the kids begin to chatter amongst themselves]\nToken: But what are we gonna do?\nCartman: [Jeffrey continues his dirge] Calm down! Calm down! We can have special effects, too. Now, I know a lot is going wrong, but we've got to stick together to make this play work! [looks at Lamond] All of us! [Lamond crosses his arms]\nJeffrey: -and into your hands [the kids now pay attention to him] uh he... buh... [hums, then stops singing, stares, then gets up and walks offstage]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Timmy is in another hallway trying to get Gobbles to hop through the hoop\nTimmy: Gobbles! [Gobbles lifts his head and drops it away from Timmy] Hu-ugh, Gobbles! [they hear the door open. Timmy puts the hoop away and gathers Gobbles on his lap]\nLamond: [peeks in] Little boy.\nTimmy: [spins around] Timmy.\nLamond: Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you. [walks up to Timmy] The others, well, they don't want you to know, but, oh, I don't know what to do. Should I tell you?\nTimmy: T-Timmih? [a bit afraid]\nLamond: I feel I'm the only one who can be honest with you. [genuflects next to Timmy] The animal shelter is on its way to...take your turkey away from you.\nTimmy: Gobbles? [scared]\nLamond: You see, they don't allow children in your... situation... to have wild animals as pets. You can't take him running, you can't take care of him. They... have to take it away.\nTimmy: Gobbles!\nLamond: They take wild pets away from people like you... and hand them over for experiments. And they're shocked, dissected, and flayed while they're still alive. And no matter where you go, the shelter people will find you. The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to... let him go. Back into the wild. [listens for something] Oh no! Here they come now! [two men round the corner] Quick, go! And set your turkey free! I'll try to stall them.\nTimmy: [turns and wheels away from the oncoming men] T-tim-mih.\nInstaller: Eh, excuse me, we're here to install the water effects for the musical?\nLamond: Uh, the stage is right through there.\nInstaller: Thanks. [he and his partner walk towards the stage. Lamond looks after them as they leave]\nScene Description: South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is at his desk in his room rewriting a song.\nCartman: Alright, got to write the new lyrics. Lemme see. [writes] no [writes] No. [writes] NO! [writes] God-damnit [takes the sheet and squeezes it into a wad]\nJeffrey: [enters the room] How is it going, Eric?\nCartman: Terrible! [turns and faces Jeffrey] I can't write the lyrics for the third act! Nothing's coming to me.\nJeffrey: Well, you know in theater sometimes, we try different tricks to get the creative juices flowing.\nCartman: Like what?\nJeffrey: Let's see. [closes the door behind him] Helen Keller was blind and deaf. [walks to Cartman's side desk] Perhaps you should see what it is like. Deprive yourself of your senses and see what plays inside your mind. Here. [turns Cartman around and puts a blindfold on him.]\nCartman: Hey, that's not a bad idea.\nJeffrey: [puts some headphones on him] Just relax. Just try to let your mind wander and let the juices flow... [a long pause. then a series of images present themselves]\nScene Description: First, the portrait of Helen Keller. Then nothing. Then Helen Keller again, then a banana split, then Helen again, then a human skull. Cartman is disturbed. Then Helen, the skull, another skull, Helen, a mummy whose hair moves a bit, bombs dropping from planes, a sinister clown, the banana split, a body being prepped for operation, the banana split, a wall with \"GO DEAD BE DEAD\" written in blood on it, a Russian show of military might, Helen, animals tearing at something, a riot, a close-up of a snake, an atomic bomb test, a lasik experiment. Cartman. The first skull, \"GO DEAD BE DEAD\", the skull, the experiment, the skull, the experiment, a woman wailing in the flames, open-heart surgery, a rat eating a dead rat, the banana split, a mouth being pulled open, Helen, a Nazi troop march, a fireman in an inferno, the Hindenburg bursting in flame, an alien opening its mouth and the camera zooms in... Cartman takes the blindfold and headphones off\nCartman: Oh, man!\nJeffrey: Well, did you see anything?\nCartman: No, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.\nJeffrey: ...Oh, that's too bad.\nCartman: Wait. I've got it! The perfect setup for when Helen Keller's pet turkey jumps through the hoop of fire! [starts writing furiously] Yes! Yes! I have it now!\nScene Description: South Park, residential street, day. Timmy rolls along dejected and turns to another street. He remembers what Lamond said as he rolls\nLamond: [his head appears beside Timmy] The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to... let him go... [fades as it echoes] let him go... let him go...[the head disappears]\nTimmy: [stops and lets Gobbles go] Gobbles! [points away so Gobbles could leave. Gobbles moves his head in that direction, but nothing else] Gobbles!! [turns around and rolls away. Gobbles follows him and gobbles. Timmy turns around again and face Gobbles] Gobbles. Gobbles! [points away again, turns and rolls away. Gobbles follows some more] Timmih. [a tear appears in his eye] Timmih, Gobbles. [turns away and rolls off, leaving Gobbles alone. The camera pulls back and moves to the first house on the right side. A man and son sit on their doorway]\nBoy: Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to heaven?\nFather: She didn't want to, Kevin. She... had no choice.\nBoy: But I miss her. [father and son start to cry. The camera moves to a bench on which two men sit]\nElderly man: [his middle-aged son comforts him] I could have so much more with my life, son. I've wasted it. I've wasted it, not ever telling you and Mark that I love you. [both men start to cry. The camera moves to Heidi Turner crying over a dead dog.]\nHeidi: Robby! Robby, no! [cries uncontrollably. The camera moves to a couple in discord. the woman is sad]\nWoman: ...Because now, every time I look at you [he tries to console her], I see her! [she swats his arm away] I have to move on.\nMan: Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry.\nKelly: Then why did you do it?? [breaks down and sobs]\nMan: I don't know! [beings to cry, too, and rests his head on her shoulder. The camera moves to a lady with something to say]\nLady: Have you done the right things in your life? [the camera looks up into the sky as it fades into night]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, Wednesday, play day. The parents arrive and take seats. Mrs. Marsh finds Mrs. Broflovski siting in the audience already, and walks up to her\nSharon: Hi, Sheila.\nSheila: Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?\nSharon: Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video camera so he can tape the performance.\nSheila: Oh, so did Gerald. [indeed, all the husbands are in the back of the theatre with video cameras at the ready]\nGerald: Oh yeah, I got a great angle here.\nRandy: Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we can make copies of each other's tape so we have both.\nGerald: Good idea.\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The kids mill around backstage\nKyle: So wait. Do we do that spin-around thing on the last beat?\nStan: No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay. [Timmy rolls slowly in ]\nKyle: You ready for the big show, Timmy?\nStan: Where's Gobbles, Timmy?\nTimmy: Gobbles.\nCartman: [cheerfully] Alright everybody, let's take our places!\nKyle: Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?\nCartman: I don't know. [Stan and Kyle cross their arms] I don't know, you guys! Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else. I'm not an asshole.\nLamond: You're going to be brilliant, you sexy, gorgeous turkey. With that other meddling animal out of the way, you'll steal the show! [Alinicia gobbles]\nScene Description: South Park, business district, day. Gobbles walks along the curb as cars zip by, then decides to cross the street. A car zips be and Gobbles steps back. The camera angle shows Gobbles' view of the car that almost ran over him\nDriver: [walks up to collect Gobbles] Well, well, what are doing out here? [picks him up] You shouldn't be out walking the streets. [opens his truck, tosses Gobbles in, and rushes to the cab of the truck. The side of the truck reads, \"Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey. Succulent and Juicy Turkeys,\" with a plump turkey in the background. The driver takes off quickly]\nScene Description: Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey truck, trailer section. Gobbles finds himself along near the doors and looks up to see a group of turkeys looking back at him. Then the turkeys look up, and Gobbles does also. What they see is a sign that reads, \"Thanksgiving Turkey. Killed Humanely.\" Gobbles looks at the turkeys, who look back, and then drops his head\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Mr. Garrison is present to introduce the show.\nMr. Garrison: Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant.\nMr. Mackey: [bored, rests his head on his hand] Every year the fourth graders do \"The Miracle Worker,\" and every year I have to sit and watch it.\nPrincipal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time, I'd put a bullet in my head. [demonstrates with her finger] But luckily I got really stoned before I came.\nMr. Garrison: And now, here it is. The touching story of Helen Keller, \"The Miracle Worker.\" [walks off. The parents are seen clapping, and then the curtains open up to reveal kids dancing and doing acrobatic feats]\nKids: Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as a bat.She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?\nSheila: This is \"The Miracle Worker\"?\nSharon: I... well... maybe. [more dancing follows]\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, oh, haha. Wow.\nScene Description: Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey factory. The truck backs up to building 2B and dumps its cargo into a chute. The turkeys tumble down into a holding room and recover. Gobbles ends up there and looks up at a sign: \"Our Turkeys are killed... HUMANELY!!!\"\nWrangler: [a vertical door rises and he directs the turkeys] Come on. Yaah! Move it!\nScene Description: the turkeys leave the room and enter another one. A movie screen faces them. Another worker appears and closes the door behind the turkeys. The turkeys remain excited until a movie comes up with sweeping views of nature. The turkeys calm down, and a view of clouds zipping along the sky follows. Then waterfalls. The lights come up and a giant saw comes out and chops the heads off all the turkeys save one. The saw rises. Only Gobbles survives, and he keeps his head low as he finds a clearing. A large board appears and pushes the decapitated turkeys out an opening on the opposite wall. The bodies are then lifted up and returned to the truck they came in, but the building they come out of is 3C. Gobbles falls off the truck and ends up on the floor. Jimbo and other South Park hunters pass by and notice\nJimbo: Holy crow. Look, boys! A real live wild turkey! [Gobbles sees the hunters and tries to run away.] It's tryin' to outsmart us! Come on, fellas! [they pursue Gobbles]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The audience watches as Wendy\nWendy: John, come quick! Our little baby's very sick [Stan rushes in] When I pout she doesn't flinch, and when she doesn't move an inch.\nStan: No, that cannot be. Honey you are scaring me.\nWendy: She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!\nStan: Helen!\nWendy: ...Helen! [the audience stares in disbelief] I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!\nStan: Oh no! [they lean on each other]\nWendy: Oh no! Oh no!!! [both collapse to the floor, and the curtains close. Alinicia trots in and gets the spotlight. She then performs her feats. She hops up on a small stand, walks a tightrope, and hops off the stand at the other end. She hops through a hoop and lands on a third stand, then pulls the cover off a sign introducing the next scene: \"Scene 2, Eight Years Later\" and takes a bow. A few people clap]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, backstage. Timmy and Lamond watch Alinicia perform.\nLamond: She's brilliant! Everyone loves her so far. [the two workers approach him]\nCartman: [rushes up] Hey, the fountains you guys installed are shorting out some of our lights.\nInstaller: Look, we're only here to do the water effects. We're not in charge of electrical. That's a different union.\nTimmy: [looks at Cartman] Timmih?\nCartman: Union Mafia bastards! [Timmy looks at Lamond in fear]\nLamond: Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well in love and theatre, right? Haha.\nTimmy: [throws off his wig and turns to wheel away] Gobbles!! [zips out]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Cartman rushes up to the other kids\nCartma: Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!\nKyle: He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw him leave.\nCartman: Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else knows the part of Helen Keller!\nJeffrey: [approaches the boys] I do. I know the part. If I must, I can go on.\nCartman: ...Alright, fine! Get in costume!\nScene Description: South Park, business district, day. Timmy wheels down the street past Tele's calling out...\nTimmy: Gobbles! Gobbles!\nScene Description: The barn. Gobbles returns to his prior home, and the hunters follow him there\nJimbo: [prepares his rifle] There it is! [three other men prepare their rifles] Hey, hey! I saw it first! I get the first shot! [aims his rifle and spots the turkey] Here, turkey turkey. [focuses on the turkey]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Jeffrey are in costume\nWendy: There is nothing we can do for our poor daughter. We cannot reach her.\nJeffrey: [lyrically] I cannot hear what they are saying. I cannot tell them how I feel [in disbelief]I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!\nCartman: What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller isn't supposed to sing!\nJeffrey: If only I could say things that go on in my mind. [in disbelief] I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!\nPrincipal Victoria: [touched] Oh, wow.\nScene Description: The barn. Jimbo still has Gobbles in his sights\nJimbo: That's it. Thaaat's it! [about to pull the trigger]\nTimmy: Gobbles! [sees Jimbo and is alarmed]\nJimbo: Gotcha!\nTimmy: [Slow motion, jumps out of his chair and dives towards] Gobbles! [flies through the air. Jimbo fires his rifle, and Timmy falls on the floor limp. Jimbo sees what he's done, and all the hunters lower their rifles. Gobble's head pops up behind Timmy. The other hunters whistle and move away slowly, leaving Jimbo and Ned alone. Gobbles walks up to Timmy and nudges him] T-timmih? [Gobbles pokes him] Gobbles? [slowly comes to, then quickly sits up] Gobbles! Haaaah. [brushes himself off and gathers Gobbles up in his arms]\nJimbo: [rushes up to Timmy and is relived that he's okay] Aw, thank God you're alright, kid. [goes down on one knee] It was an accident, I swear. Uh, is there any way we can make it up to you?\nTimmy: [determined] Timmih.\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Bebe, and Jeffrey are in costume. Bebe pumps water onto Jeffrey's hand\nBebe: Yes, that's it. [Jeffrey keeps his hand under the water] That's it, Helen. Water! WA-TER!\nJeffrey: Wawa.\nBebe: She did it!\nKids: [in the background, come forward] She did it! She did it! Water! Water water aaaaaaaa! Water, Helen, Water. We can't believe she did it. The dumb kid really did it. Water, Helen, Water.\nJeffrey: Now that I can communicate the world is not so cold and dark. [Cartman slaps his head and the waterworks begin]\nKids: [slowing] Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa![the waterworks go up real high and two fountainheads crash into each other]\nLamond: [prepping Alinicia] Here it comes, angel! Your big finale! The audience is going to go wild! [a shadow enters the scene and Lamond looks up. He sees Gobbles and an angry Timmy with arms crossed glaring at him] Oh. Back already? Don't worry. Maynard covered your part flawlessly.\nTimmy: Timmih! [the hunters gather and take aim at Alinicia]\nJimbo: Turkey shoot! [the hunters fire away and decimate Alinicia. Her blood spurts all over Lamond, who shields his eyes.]\nLamond: [He falls on one knee at the horror] Alinicia! Jesus, no!\nTimmy: Aaaa, Timmih!\nCartman: [walks up with Kyle] Okay, we're ready for the- [stops in his tracks and stares at the dead Alinicia.] What the hell did you assholes do?! This is supposed to be the big finale where the turkey jumps through the ring of fire!\nKyle: [steps forward and points] Hey, look! [onstage, Gobbles approaches the ring of fire and steps through it. The kids grin immediately]\nPrincipal Victoria: [in awe] Oh. Oh, wow! WOWuh! [starts to clap. The audience soon follows]\nCartman: [exults] They loved it! They LOVED it!\nTimmy: Gobbles!\nScene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage, night. Mr. Garrison is onstage to introduce the last skit of the night\nMr. Garrison: And finally tonight, parents, we have the South Park Kindergarten class. Their play is titled, \"Thanksgiving, Mon Ami.\"\nStan: Okay, here we go. [the kids are still backstage, but in their street clothes]\nKyle: Dude, it just can't be better than ours. It just can't be.\nKindergartners: [four little pilgrims enter singing badly to a long table in front of a cabin and a tipi] It's getting dinner. Let's all eat. E I E I O. And on that dinner we'll invite some Indians E I E I O. [four little Indians appear and take their seats at the table] With an Indian here and an Indian there Everywhere an Indian, Indian. Uh thank, thank- [something pops by the middle of the table...]\nPilgrim Girl: [runs off] Aaaaaaa!\nKindergartners: Happy Thanksgiving. [another kindergartner wheels a horse prop onstage. The curtains then close]\nMr. Garrison: Alright, see you next year, parents. [a hush falls over the audience and the actors backstage]\nCartman: That's it?\nStan: We worked our asses off to compete with that?!\nKyle: Butters told us their play was awesome! [the kids move away from Butters a bit]\nButters: ...Wow, did you see that? They had a horse, too!\nTimmy: Gobbles, deh!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The camera pans across a nicely appointed study, rests a bit, and \"South Park Classics\" appears on screen as a classical piece plays\nNarrator: [seated in an armchair reading a book] Aaah. [looks at the camera] Dickens. The imagery of cobblestone streets, cragging London buildings, and nutmeg-filled Yorkshire puddings. [closes the book] Hello, I'm a British person. For years now, the character Pip has been featured prominently in the American show, South Park. However, many Americans don't realize where Pip came from. He's the prowling little adorable Englishman from Charles Dickens' timeless classic, \"Great Expectations\" [displays the title] And so tonight, the makers of South Park have agreed to take a break from their regular show, and instead present the prestigious Dickens tale in its entirety from beginning to end. Indeed, after watching this show, you'll know the timeless classic as if you'd... read the Cliff Notes themselves. Our story is set in England, in the small town of Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot, [the town is now shown, with Pip walking up the street from a distance] where a young blond-haired boy named Pip was on his way to see his parents.\nScene Description: Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot, day. Pip leaves the town, crosses an open field, enters an enclosed lot and stops right in front of the camera\nPip: [holding a bunch of flowers] 'Ello Mom. 'Ello Dad. It certainly is nice to see you again. [before him are two tombstones. They are of his parents, Phillip and Georgina Pirrip. Pip is in the town graveyard.] Don't worry. Sister is still taking very good care of me. She just loves to smack me in the face and tell me I'm worthless. O, we have such fun together. [a wind comes up and begins to howl. Pip takes notice] But it's getting dark, Mom and Dad. I'll see you again soon. [walks off, but there's a fear in him as he walks through the graveyard. He has his hands in his coat pockets. He is snatched up from behind] Wa-a-ah!\nEscaped Convict: Wha' are you doin' 'ere, you little whippersham!\nPip: [fearless] Oh, hello. Why, you look like an escaped convict. Did we breaky-wakys out of prison? [the surprised man lets him down] Oh dear! But you're shackled. Here, let me help you. [whips out some bolt cutters]\nEscaped Convict: Wha' are you doin' wit' those?\nPip: I'm an apprentice blacksmith. [snips the arm and leg shackles in two] There you are. [puts the bolt cutters away and whips out some food] And here's a sandwich. You must be starving! [the man takes the sandwich, then walks away]\nEscaped Convict: [stops and turns] Here. W-why are you easy to help me?\nPip: Well, it's not for me to judge you, sir. We are all the same. [the man turns and walks away] Don't quite all smell the same, I'm afraid. [walks out of the graveyard towards his residence, a rambling one-story shack. The sound of smithing is heard in the background]\nMrs. Joe: [sees him enter and grabs him by the scarf] Pip, where 'ave you been?!\nPip: Waaah! [is whipped towards the opposite wall, which he hits hard, but he recovers instantly] Lovely day, isn't it?\nMrs. Joe: What the hell's lovely about it?! [to someone else - a burly man working on some metal] Joe, teach this boy some bloody cynicism!\nJoe: I don't know about that. I just thought I'd keep to me blacksmithing. [looks at his project] Ey, look! I've made me a metal fire poker. [holds it up]\nMrs. Joe: A lot of bloody good a fire poker's gonna do while I'm starvin' to death! Why don't you make us some bloody food to eat!\nJoe: [finishes another item and sets down his hammer] Alright. Look 'ere, I made me a metal orange. [shows it off]\nMrs. Joe: STOP your metal orange, you bastard! You never want a tablespoon of nigh'ingale droppin's, you me'al-poundin' fairy! [Pip is shown] And you! Why don't you ge' a job?! You're eight years old now!\nJoe: [finishing yet another project] Oh, lookie heeah! [holds up a newspaper] I've gone and made a metal newspaper!\nMrs. Joe: Shut up, you silly lip! What are we supposed to do with a metal newspaper?\nJoe: Well, for starters we can look in the want ads and see if we can find Pip a job. Ohhh, lookie here! Young man wanted for paid position!\nMrs. Joe: Where? [Joe shows her the paper]\nPip: Where?\nMrs. Joe: \"Havisham residence seeks young boy to play with lonely daughter. Will pay up to...\" TWENTY QUID A DAY??\nPip: That's a lot of [hops] money-loney.\nJoe: You can keep a little girl company for 20 quid a day, Pip. And Old Mrs. Havisham is the wealthiest woman in the town. [Mrs. Joe walks away]\nScene Description: The Havisham Residence is shown from the gates, next day.\nScene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British is seated in an armchair reading a book\nNarrator: Well, the very next day, Pip went to Old Ms. Havisham's house to inquire about the job. [Pip rings the door bell pulley at Havisham Estate, then a shot of the narrator] and it was there that he met the girl of his dreams.\nScene Description: A girl approached the gate at the Havisham Residence. She's got flowing blonde hair and a bowler for a hat\nGirl: Who are you?! [there's venom in her voice]\nPip: ...I've come to answer the want ad.\nGirl: Is that so, you smelly little bastard?!\nPip: [jarred] What??\nGirl: [opens the gate and lets him in] This way, you pathetic squirt of vaginal discharge! [leads him to the entrance and through the front doors, then to their left] This way, you beef-witted shriveled-up monkey's penis. [leads him up the grand stairway] Up here, you gamy mass of baby vomit! [the place suffers from neglect, as spiderwebs hang from the chandeliers and walls around the mansion. The windows are covered over with paper. The girl leads Pip down the hall upstairs] In here.\nPip: Eho. After you, miss.\nGirl: I'm not going in there, you stupid puddle of a homeless man urine!\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, upstairs. Pip enters a grand dining room in which everything is covered, and has been for a long time. He scans the room until a voice gets his attention.\nMs. Havisham: [an elderly lady still in wedding veil] Who is that?\nPip: I've come to answer the want ad, ma'am.\nMs. Havisham: [beckons] Come closer. Look at me. [Pip closes the door and approaches] Does it frighten you to look upon a woman who has not seen the sun in over 20 years?\nPip: Oh, no, no! You you sort of look upon one when you have not seen the sun for over 20 years quite a lot these... days.\nMs. Havisham: I sometimes have sick fancies. [puts her hands together] And I have a fancy I should like to see someone play. So, play. Play.\nPip: [not sure what she wants] Um. [begins to dance. The girl enters, glances at him, then continues to Ms. Havisham]\nMs. Havisham: Estella, play with this boy.\nEstella: [the blonde girl] With HIM? [Pip dances faster] But he's just a commoner!\nMs. Havisham: [leans over and whispers] But, you can break his heart.\nEstella: ...Alright, boy, let us play.\nPip: Righty-o. What are we going to play?\nEstella: [walks over to a wood pile, gets a log, and brings it with her] We're going to play a little game called, \"Smack the Blond Boy In the Head With a Large Log.\"\nPip: [hops excitedly] Oh, yes! My sister and I play that game at home all the time! [gladly bows to Estella] Who will go first? [Estella is taken aback by this gesture, as is Ms. Havisham]\nEstella: [frustrated] Oh, you stupid pathetic boy! [drops the log and rushes out of the room unnerved. Pip looks up quizzically]\nMs. Havisham: What do you think of her?\nPip: Well, uh... I think she's very pretty.\nMs. Havisham: Hm-m-m. What else?\nPip: I think she's rather insulting.\nMs. Havisham: Hm, you quite fancy her, don't you? Come back again next week. We shall \"play\" some more. [Pip turns and exits the room.]\nScene Description: The blacksmith's house, night. Pip returns to his sister's place and gets ready to bed for the night. He falls asleep\nNarrator: [Off-screen] That night, Pip spent all his sleeping hours unable to get Estella's beautiful face out of his mind.\nDream Estella: Stop dreaming about me, you slow-witted rectal belch!\nNarrator: Day after day Pip visited Estella. Sometimes they would play, sometimes they would talk. But every single day Pip's love for Estella grew.\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, garden, day. Estella is whacking Pip over the head with her log. Twice she does it, then tries a third time, but can't\nPip: [stands up straight] Don't you wanna play anymore?\nEstella: [tosses her log away] Boy, do you still think I'm pretty? [draws near]\nPip: Oho. Well, yes, miss.\nEstella: And, do you still think I'm insulting?\nPip: Oh, um, not so much as before. [slapped by Estella] Ow!\nEstella: I hate you! You're an oozing, painful hemorrhoid that belches pus!\nPip: [exasperated. puts hands in coat pockets] Oh, dear.\nEstella: You may kiss me if you like. [offers her cheek. He looks, then kisses her on the cheek. She softens] Come. Let us walk in the daisy garden. [she leads him past a fountain in which a boy is splashing about merrily]\nA Boy: Oh, what fun it is to splash about in the fountain! [points at Pip] You there, the prowling little boy! I bet you can't jump on my back! [shows Pip his back] Go on, then. Try and jump on my back!\nPip: Who is that?\nEstella: Just another playmate hired to amuse me. You didn't think you were the only one, did you?\nPip: Oh I... rather thought I was.\nEstella: Oh, you silly small-testicled boy. Come, let us walk through the rose garden. [takes his hand and leads him onward]\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, exterior. The camera looks at the second floor, focusing on Ms. Havisham\nMs. Havisham: Yes, good. She will break his pathetic heart into a million pieces.\nScene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating\nNarrator: Well, what a spot poor Pip was in. He was hired to be the friend of the very harsh and beautiful Estella. And although she treated him like dirt, or perhaps because she treated him like dirt, Pip found himself more in love with the little girl each and every day. [excitedly] Oh, bless him! Isn't he lovely?? [the cheer vanishes] But, isn't it sad? Because Pip knew that someone as sophisticated and as wealthy as Estella could never love him, for he was just a simple blacksmith's apprentice.\nScene Description: The blacksmith's house, night. Joe is working on another creation. Pip watches\nJoe: [hammering away] And so you bang on this side, and bang on that side, and there you have it. [holds up some steel dice and hands them to Pip.] Your very own metal fuzzy dice.\nPip: [takes the dice] Yes. I see. [walks to a chair and sits in it] Hoh, lovely.\nJoe: Eeyyyy, what's all this, Pip?\nPip: Joe, do you know anything about girls?\nJoe: [resumes hammering] Sure! They're those things with vaginas in them.\nPip: [blank look then] But, do you know anything about them? About how they work.\nJoe: [pauses and looks back at Pip] Oh, I don't know about that. I just like to keep to me blacksmithin'. [begins to hammer more vigorously]\nPip: Do you think that a girl who is rich and educated would ever want to be with a blacksmith?\nJoe: Oh. D'ooooh. No, I don't think so, Pip. [a knock is heard at the door] Who could that be? [goes to answer the door. A lawyer, with cane and tall hat, addresses him]\nLawyer: Joe, the blacksmith?\nJoe: The same.\nLawyer: I'm a lawyer from London in search of a young lad named Pip.\nPip: I'm Pip, sir.\nLawyer: Mr. Blacksmith, I've been sent here to offer you a reasonable sum of money in exchange for your apprentice. [walks over to Pip]\nJoe: Oh, well, uh Pip's not for sale, sir.\nLawyer: I have a client who wishes to give this bright child a future. Anything he desires. [Joe approaches] Do you still object?\nJoe: Heaven forbid I should stand in the way of Pip's future, but-\nLawyer: He will one day inherit a handsome property. But the owner of that property wants him first to travel to London and learn to be a gentleman.\nJoe: That's great news! [Pip grins]\nLawyer: There's only one condition, Pip. Your benefactor wishes to remain anonymous.\nPip: Oho. But it must be Ms. Havisham!\nLawyer: OH OH! If you have any suspicion of who that person might be, you are to keep it in your own breast. Understood?\nPip: Yes sir.\nLawyer: Then you will go to London in a week's time. [deposits some money on the table] Here's 20 sterling. Well, blacksmith, you look stunned.\nJoe: I am, sir.\nLawyer: Then I should take my leave. [heads for the door] Good evening, gentlemen, and we shall see you in London next week, Pip. [exits]\nPip: Good-bye, sir.\nJoe: [picks Pip up] Pip! [close-up on a grinning Pip] A young gentleman! Of great expectations!\nScene Description: London, a foggy night. Big Ben peals in the background. The camera pans down from the skyline to a horse-drawn carriage, which comes to a stop. Pip and the lawyer get out\nLawyer: You shall stay here with your roommate, Mr. Pocket. He is a distinguished young lad who will help you on your way to being a gentleman. I trust you see no problem with this?\nPip: None, sir.\nLawyer: I should think not. [taps his cane on the ground twice] On up, then, and prepare for school on the morrow.\nPip: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. [goes to the residence and opens the front door, then enters]\nScene Description: The Dormitory. Pip walks down the hall and finds a door with his name under that of Mr. Pocket. He is about to knock when a boy opens the door\nA Boy: Mr. Pip? [it's the same one seen in the fountain earlier]\nPip: Mr. Pocket?\nPocket: Pray, come in! [drags him in.]\nPip: Thank you kindly. You do look rather familiar\nPocket: As do you. Perhaps we've seen each other before. As to our lodging, it's not by any means splendid. This is our sitting room - just chairs and tables and carpet and so forth. [leads Pip to the bedrooms] This is my little room - rather musty, and this is your bedroom. [displays the next room over]\nPip: My, how lovely.\nPocket: Oh, what a gay time we shall have, and I do mean gay as in festive, not as in penetration of the bum. Oh, but dear me! I beg your pardon! You're holding your bags all this time! Pray, let me take them! [takes the bags to Pip's room] I'm quite ashamed!\nPip: Oh it's... quite alright. [remembers] Lord bless me! Why, you're the pale young man I saw at Ms. Havisham's house!\nPocket: Why, yes of course! You're the prowling little boy! Boy, what a smashing coincidence!\nPip: Perhaps, but perhaps not. Ms. Havisham is very generous indeed.\nPocket: That old biddy? Oh, I assure you, I have nothing to do with her anymore. She's absolutely mad!\nPip: Well, what do you mean?\nPocket: Well, don't you know about Ms. Havisham's melancholy past? Dear me, it's quite a story, and should be discussed over dinner. Come! [Pip removes his hat and they walk over to the table at one corner of the sitting room, by the windows. A cooked bird and two glasses wait for them] Right, time for a smashing meal and the story of Ms. Havisham.\nPip: Pocket, may I ask you a favor? I am desperately trying to become a gentleman! For the love of a certain girl. So, will you please tell me if I do something wrong at the table?\nPocket: You'll do fine, dear fellow, just fine. Now on to Ms. Havisham: She was raised by a wealthy father and grew up to be a somewhat of a spoiled brat. [Pip eats his food with his knife] And now I might mention, Pip, that in London it is not the custom to put the knife in the mouth.\nPip: [with knife by lips] Hoh, dear, I'm terribly sorry! [lowers the knife]\nPocket: [joyfully] Not at all, I'm sure. [looks at Pip] Anyway, Ms. Havisham grew up to be a lovely young lady, and soon a man came along, which gets me to the cruel part of the story, merely breaking off, Pip [who has placed his napkin in his glass], to remark that a dinner napkin should never be placed into the tumbler.\nPip: [quickly retracts it] Sorry! Sorry!\nPocket: [joyfully] Not at all, I'm sure. [resumes] So this man pursued Ms. Havisham closely and professed to be devoted to her. She passionately loved him back. The marriage day was fixed, the wedding dress was bought, the wedding guests were all invited, and finally the day came. But not the groom. [Pip farts] And I break from the tale now only to mention that one should never pass gas at the dinner table!\nPip: Oh. Excuse me.\nPocket: Not at all, I'm sure. So the groom never showed. He simply wrote a letter, a letter that Ms. Havisham received 20 minutes before the wedding.\nPip: At half nine, the time when she stopped all the clocks in the house.\nPocket: But afterward she laid waste to the entire house, as you have seen it, and has never since looked upon the light of day. And the story ends, Pip, with me suggesting that one should never pull out the wee wee and check it for scabs whilst at the table.\nPip: Terribly sorry, Pocket.\nPocket: [joyfully] Not at all, I'm sure!\nScene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating\nNarrator: And so Pip spent the next several months learning how to be a gentleman. He was schooled in several languages. He was taught fencing and marksmanship, and he was shown how to dance and eat box. And after it all, after WEEKS and weeks of intense schooling, Pip was finally a full-fledged gentleman. Proud of himself, Pip decided to pay Ms. Havisham a visit, to thank her for her generosity, and to see if he was indeed, now, good enough for Estella.\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, exterior, then interior, at the dining room.\nPip: [enters the dining room] Good evening, Ms. Havisham. [she hasn't moved from her spot]\nMs. Havisham: Come closer, Pip. [he doffs his hat and approaches] My, you're quite the gentleman now, aren't you?\nPip: [cheerfully] Thanks to you.\nMs. Havisham: Perhaps. Estella's been off to school as well. [Pip walks to Ms. Havisham's side] She's become quite the lady. Would you like to see a picture of her? [shows him a portrait]\nPip: Oh, my! She is even prettier than before. [she is shown wearing a beautiful pink dress and a makeover]\nMs. Havisham: Ohoh, you love her, don't you, Pip?\nPip: [pensive] I don't know. I mean, I think about her every day.\nMs. Havisham: Do you know what love is, Pip? It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to snip it.\nPip: Righto.\nMs. Havisham: Love her, Pip. I developed her into what she is so that she might... be loved.\nPip: Yes, but... where will I find her?\nMs. Havisham: There's a dance at the Palace tomorrow night. Estella will be there. Go and seek her out. And love her. Love her!\nPip: Thank you, Ms. Havisham! For everything! [heads for the door] I'm the happiest boy in the land!\nMs. Havisham: And if she warms to you, love her; she tears your heart into pieces. And as you get older it will tear deeper. [whispers] Lover her.\nScene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating\nNarrator: Yes. Our young Pip had come a long way. From the apprentice of a blacksmith to a fine young gentleman of great expectations. And now he was to finally see his beloved Estella again at a Grand Ball held by the King of England, Tony Blair. It was here that Pip would finally and formally ask Estella to be his girlfriend. And all would be right with the world.\nScene Description: The Grand Ballroom at the Palace, evening. Tony Blair and wife descend the Grand Staircase as dozens of couples dance before them. The camera then pans across the scene and stops on Estella. Pip comes in from the side\nPip: Hello, Estella.\nEstella: Pip. [impressed] My goodness, how you've changed!\nPip: Yes. I've become a gentleman. May I? [signals an invitation to dance]\nEstella: I suppose. [a waltz starts and all couples begin to dance.] So how is it that you've learned to dress and dance?\nPip: Well, I was sent to be schooled in London.\nEstella: Iiii see, and you no longer live with the blacksmith?\nPip: Oh. I see Joe once in a while. But I don't have much in common with him anymore, now that I'm a gentleman and all.\nEstella: Naturally. [overview of the Grand Ballroom]\nPip: [walks off to one side with Estella] It is wonderful to see you again, Estella.\nEstella: Is it? Why? [they resume dancing]\nPip: Because I believe I'm in love with you.\nEstella: Pip, you must know that I have no heart.\nPip: [confidently] I think you do.\nEstella: Oh, I have a heart to be shot or stabbed in, no doubt, and if it cease to beat I should cease to be, but [sighs] you know what I mean. I have no softness there, no sympathy, sentiment.\nPip: I see past that, Estella. I see a little girl who wants to be warm and kind.\nOlder Boy: [walks up to the kids] Hey, Estella, let's get out of here.\nEstella: Alright, Steve. Just one moment. [Steve walks off]\nPip: Who...? Who is that?\nEstella: That is Steve. He is seventeen and has a car.\nPip: I see, and you... fancy this Steve fellow?\nEstella: I should. He's my boyfriend.\nPip: [scared] Boyfriend??\nEstella: What's the matter, Pip?!\nPip: I don't understand! I did everything right! I stopped being a poor commoner! I even blew off my lovin' Joe!\nEstella: It's... it's... the way it goes sometimes, Pip. [Steve waits for her off to the side] He's... seventeen and has a car. I'm... I'm... very [pause] I'm [pause] leaving. [walks off with Steve.]\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, outside, a stormy night. Pip reaches the Havisham estate and enters the front gates. He heads into the house, up the spiral staircase, and into the dining room.\nPip: Ms. Havisham! You have to talk to Estella! She's going out with a- [a surprised look comes over his face]\nMs. Havisham: Well well well, if it isn't Mr. Pip. [Estella and Steve are already there, sitting behind a small table at her side, next to each other, sharing a float between them]\nPip: Ms. Havisham! But um...\nMs. Havisham: Don't they make a handsome couple, Pip? [Steve reaches for Estella's right hand with his left] Look at the way he holds her hand.\nPip: But I don't understand. [doffs his hat] You sent me away to become a gentleman so that I could be with Estella.\nMs. Havisham: Things aren't always as they seem, Pip. [Pip looks defeated] Oh, what's the matter? Did she... break your heart?\nPip: [close-up] ...Well, I suppose that if you set out to break my heart, you did a very good job of it. Because it certainly does hurt.\nMs. Havisham: Yes. Tell me about the pain. [Estella looks distressed] Tell me about the crushing and the prickly things.\nPip: It's... a-as if...[winces] sssomeone has a hold of my heart and isss [winces] squeezing it very tightly.\nMs. Havisham: Yes, and it is somewhat difficult to breathe.\nSteve: Hey, wait a second. You mean that this whole thing was just a setup by your mom?\nMs. Havisham: [turns her head to look at Steve] Is your heart broken as well? Tell me all about it.\nPip: But why do you make your daughter hurt people?\nMs. Havisham: Wuh-hy? Well, that's simple. Because I need the tears of broken-hearted men to use in my Genesis device. [Pip looks at her in horror] You see, my foolish child, I'm growing very old. But tonight I will fuse my soul into Estella's once and for all. And then I can go on breaking men's hearts for another generation.\nSteve: What the hell??\nMs. Havisham: Estella, prepare yourself for the Genesis platform. [Estella draws away from Steve]\nSteve: [holds on to Estella's left arm] Oh no, you don't! You're my girl! And I'm not lettin' you walk out on me! [Ms. Havisham flips opens a panel on the right arm of her chair and presses a red button. A contraption appears and wraps itself around Steve] What the?! [a cathode at the top of the head completes the contraption]\nMs. Havisham: And as for you, Pip, my robot monkeys should take care of you! [presses the button again and robot monkeys descend from the ceiling and clamor around Pip. He is startled and rushes out the door, down the stairs, out the front door, and out the front gates, only to stop and faint outside the gates]\nScene Description: The blacksmith's house, day. A shadow appears at Pip's door and falls on him. He awakens and looks at the source of the shadow\nJoe: Pip? Pip, old chap? [appears blurry to Pip.]\nPip: [rises a bit] Joe?\nJoe: That's right. You're safe and warm now.\nPocket: [stands next to Joe] Joe found you lying face down in the street, Mr. Pip, You were in such a state. You've been unconscious here for nearly three hours.\nPip: [sits up and says urgently] Ms. Havisham! She has all the men who have had their hearts broken by Estella trapped in her house! [laments] Oh, why would she have wasted all that time sending me to school and making me into a gentleman?\nJoe: Well, about that, Pip: There's another person who wants to see you. [the convict Pip had set free earlier returns, but he's nicely dressed now, in three-piece suit and gloves]\nEscaped Convict: Allo, Pip. You remember me? [Pip cowers and remembers...]\nEscaped Convict: [threatening him back at the graveyard when they first met] I'll rip off your arms and shove 'em up your arse!\nPip: Why, you're the escaped convict I helped a long time ago.\nEscaped Convict: Yes. After you helped me I moved to Wales and made somethin' o' myself. If it weren't for you, I'd have never become a millionaire.\nJoe: 'E's the one that sent you to London, Pip! 'E's the one who sent you off to be a gentleman!\nPip: You? But why?\nEscaped Convict: Because back then you treated me like any other person. You're weren't a snob and you helped me as you would a rich man.\nPip: Oh, dear. All this time I thought it was Ms. Havisham. She totally let me believe it. [Pocket approaches]\nPocket: I tried to tell you, Pip. She's a vengeful, spiteful woman, who wanted nothing more than to see you hurt along with the rest of the male sex.\nPip: Well, I've certainly learned a lot. That being a gentleman doesn't mean learning to dance, or proper table manners. It means being a gentle man. Gentle to everyone.\nPocket: Righto. Pip. Righto.\nPip: And now I suppose there's only one thing left to do.\nJoe: What's that, Pip.\nPip: If Ms. Havisham is determined to do this to others, let's go KICK HER ARSE!\nJoe: Yeah! [Pocket raises his hands, Joe and the convict pump their fists]\nScene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating\nNarrator: And now we come to the final act of the Dickens classic tale, in which the stage is set for an epic showdown. Ms. Havisham's robot monkeys prove a formidable foe, but Pip is not about to let Estella's soul be forever consumed by the Genesis device. And now the thrilling conclusion of Great Expectations!\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, outside, a stormy night. In the dining room Ms. Havisham prepares Estella for the Genesis device\nMs. Havisham: Are you ready, Estella? Are you ready to complete the cycle?\nEstella: Yes, Mother. [Ms. Havisham straps herself into her seat, and the main door fly open. In come Joe and Pocket with swords, the Escaped Convict with a pistol, and Pip with a filled bag]\nPip: Not so fast, you ugly ancient bitch.\nEstella: Pip? [Ms. Havisham presses the red button once again.and her chair floats forward]\nJoe: [wielding his sward] Your manhating days are over, Ms. Havisham!\nMs. Havisham: Quite the contrary, blacksmith. My revenge on the male race is only about to begin.\nPocket: Dear God, Pip, look! [points to a long contraption containing men and boys hanging upside down from their ankles. Bowls wait underneath them to receive their tears.]\nSteve: [second from left] Estella, help me! I'm your boyfriend!\nBoy: [third from right] So am I.\nMan: [left of center] And me.\nMan In Middle: We were all Estella's boyfriends at one time or another. Now we're doomed.\nMs. Havisham: Yes. Cry away, males. [returns to her original position] Once your tears have collected into the Genesis device, the fusion of Estella and me will be complete.\nPip: You won't get away with this!\nMs. Havisham: Won't I? [presses the red button, and robot monkeys again descend from the ceiling and come at the guests. Joe and the others use their weapons to fend off the attacks.] Let the transformation begin. [the cables have been activated]\nJoe: [disables a robot monkey by slicing its leg off] Pip, she started the device! [the men on the torture device bawl]\nPip: [approaches among the robot monkey corpses] Pocket! Get over there, and do whatever it takes to keep those blokes from crying!\nPocket: Righto, Pip. [they do their tasks]\nMs. Havisham: [activates the device full throttle] It begins.\nPip: [approaches Estella] Come, Estella! You can't want to be part of this.\nEstella: It is... what I was raised for. [a robot monkey jumps at the Escaped Convict, and the Escaped Convict shoots at it and kills it off]\nRobot Monkey: AAAAAAA!!!\nPocket: Hello, gentlemen. Oh, whatever you do, please do not cry. Havisham's device fuels itself on your tears, I'm afraid.\nMan: How are we not to cry. Our hearts have been broken, our lives ruined, and now we are set to die!\nPocket: Yes, but just think about... panda bears! [the hanging males just look at him] Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet, panda bears are. [grabs his own nose] What silly little noses they have!\nMan: [third from left] Panda bears make me sad. They're almost extinct.\nPocket: [quickly waves the thought away with both hands] Oh, right, right, let's not think about panda bears, then. Let's think about ...swimming! Oh, what jolly fun swimming is, with a splishy-splash and a hold-your-breath dive. [the males just look at him]\nMs. Havisham: ...Yes...\nEscaped Convict: [quickly approaches] Get out of that chair, you old cow! [points a gun at her, and she spits a green fluid into his face. A few moments later he turns away and his face has been eaten away by the fluid, revealing bones and teeth.. He babbles on a bit, then drops down dead.]\nPip: [still before Estella] Estella! Listen to me! You are a wonderful girl, with a kind heart.\nEstella: I told you, Pip. I have no heart.\nPip: But you do! And I shall prove it to you once and for all! [reaches into his bag. Joe is still fending off the robot monkeys. Pip pulls out a bunny] Look at this adorable little bunny.\nEstella: [flatly] Oh my. 'E's very cute.\nPip: You see that? A heartless person wouldn't care at all about this bunny. They'd just as soon break its neck. [she reaches out to grab it, then breaks its neck with nary a flinch] ...Oh. But look at this bunny. [pulls out another bunny from the bag and presents it to her] There. You see that? You have too big a heart to kill two baby bunnies. [she reaches out to grab it, then breaks its neck. Pip gets worried] ...Right.\nPocket: [still diverting the guys on the rack] Oh what fun it is to collect stamps! Lick the backs, put them into books all neat and tidy with those smashing little pictures and bright colors.\nMan: [left of center] My father died in a stamp-collecting accident.\nPocket: Right, let's not talk about stamp-collecting, then. Let's talk about... [thinks a bit]\nMan In Middle: Ice-skating!\nPocket: Oh what fun ice-skating is! [moves around as if ice-skating] Who can catch me? Who can catch the ice-skating king? That's me.\nJoe: [now covered in robot monkeys] Oy can't figh' 'em off no moh!\nPip: Nine. Nine baby bunnies. A person with a heart could never kill nine baby bunnies. So you do have too big a heart to- [crrrack. Estella has killed another bunny] Ten baby bunnies!\nJoe: [still fighting the robot monkeys] ...There's too many of them! [the males on the rack begin to cry]\nPocket: Please, sirs, you must not cry!\nMan: [left of center] We can't help it! You're bawlin' us to tears! [lights under the rack flick on one by one, and the sequence leads to a computer, and then to the Genesis device]\nPocket: Philip, it's too late!!\nPip: Twenty-six baby bunnies\nEstella: I don't want to. I don't see the point in this.\nPip: What?\nEstella: I don't want to kill any more of them.\nPip: There! You see?! You do have a heart!\nEstella: You think so? Let me see it [referring to the bunny] Maybe I can kill it.\nPip: [quickly hides the bunny] No no, I'm sure of it. You have a heart! You've bought your own life! Come with me now! [she looks back at him]\nMs. Havisham: Yessss! [electricity crackles and then moves over to Estella's part of the Genesis device. Estella looks up at Ms. Havisham, then stretches her hand out to Pip. Pip takes her hand and quickly takes her away from the device. Ms. Havisham looks over] Noooo! [her chair bursts into flames and she screams horribly, twisting here and there]\nPocket: Ooooo, top smart, Pip! [Ms. Havisham's body quickly turns to ashes]\nJoe: You did it, Pip! [the last of the robot monkeys falls away]\nScene Description: The Havisham Estate, outside, a stormy night. Joe, Pip, Pocket, the nine males, and Estella leave the house as flames spread from the dining room to other rooms and onto the yard. The party moves towards the gate, then turns back to watch the burning house\nJoe: Well, I guess Old Ms. Havisham won't be takin' any revenge on any more blokes, ey?\nEstella: Yes. her poor miserable life is finally over.\nPip: You're released from her now, Estella! Now we can begin our life together!\nEstella: Yes! Yes, my small-testicled love! [she and Pip embrace]\nPocket: Oh, I'm so glad everything has worked out. [Pip and Estella break the embrace] Where are all my little bunnies that you borrowed then, Pip?\nScene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person finishes narrating\nNarrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Pocket, who died of hepatitis B. [closes the book and rests it on his laps] So ends Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. We hope you now have a deeper appreciation for Pip, and indeed, [holds up the book] all masterpieces of literature like this one. [rests it again] Until next time, I'm a British person. Good night."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms. Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember, today we are going to continue our biology lesson... dissecting an organism.\nClass: Yeah! [There are new seating arrangements to note: Wendy now sits to Stan's left. Timmy sits in the back of the class. Pip sits behind Kenny. Two students not seen before join the class]\nBebe, New Kid: Woohoo.\nMs. Choksondik: [walks off] Now, what we are going to dissect today is the West Indian manatee. [return with a large dolly stacked with manatee corpses. Stan and Kyle glance at each other] Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the gentle clowns of the sea.\nWendy: Uhh, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees endangered?\nMs. Choksondik: They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn what's inside them. [pushes the dolly towards the class and hands the manatees out] Now, we don't have quite enough [one goes to Butters] manatees to go around, so I think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four. [Stan and Annie get manatees]\nButters: Hey! Ours is still alive!\nMs. Choksondik: [walks up and looks] Oh, hold on. [walks away. The manatee raises its head. Ms. Choksondik returns with a brick and brings it down hard on the manatee's head twice, killing it and exposing its brain. Butters is stunned. Ms. Choksondik returns to the front of the class] Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen.\nStan: [holding his knife] I can't do it, dude.\nKyle: Aw, don't be such a baby! [takes the knife, blinks, then offers it to Kenny] You do it, Kenny.\nKenny: (Nuh uh!)\nKyle: Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks to do it!\nKenny: (FIVE BUCKS???) [grabs the knife and starts cutting away]\nStan: Too bad Cartman's missing this. He must be really sick.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV. Cartman laughs. Terrance and Phillip are on. They are dressed as detectives They look at a corpse with a dagger stabbed into the chest\nPhillip: Say Terrance, this body appears to have been moved since the murder. Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.\nTerrance: I don't see anything.\nPhillip: Look closer. [Terrance looks closer] Closer. [Terrance bends down further. Phillip holds Terrance's head down] Hunh-nh.\nTerrance: I still don't see anything, Phillip.\nPhillip: Waitwait. Hunh.\nCartman: I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You wanna know what's gonna happen?\nPhillip: [grunts softly] Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic evidence is right around here. [grunts long, farts, and cackles. The camera pulls back to reveal Terrance standing on a stool. Phillip looks to see Terrance ready to fart on him. Terrance lets loose...] Ah! [...and Phillip is blown into a nearby wall, then falls on his side] Af!\nTerrance: AAHahahahahahaaa!\nCartman: Whoa! That totally surprised me! [his mom looks at him] I can't believe how the show manages to stay fresh.\nLiane: Eh yes, sweetie.\nCartman: [sweetly] Mom, can you go make me a toaster pastry chocolate-mix butter ball? [grins]\nLiane: Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself? [his grin vanishes] Mommy's [looks away] expecting [looks back] some company.\nCartman: God, I have to do everything around here!\nScene Description: The Cartman house, kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks over to the kitchen counter with it. He starts singing softly as he prepares his dish. He pulls out some Pop Toasties and puts them in a toaster, gets some powdered chocolate milk and a stick of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered milk, gets the Pop Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter between the two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and makes his way out of the kitchen.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, living room. Cartman enters singing to himself\nCartman: I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the- [blinks and looks up. In the living room now with his mom are Stan's parents, Kyle's parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Dr. Doctor.] What the hell's going on?\nLiane: Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a \"talk\" with you.\nMr. Mackey: Eric, your friends and your family are all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?\nCartman: [incredulous] What?!\nDr. Doctor: We believe that you might have a problem.\nCartman: You're God-damn right I have a problem! Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is this?!\nMr. Garrison: It's called intervention, Eric.\nLiane: Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going to send you up to a weight-management retreat.\nCartman: Fat camp?\nDr. Doctor: Yes, fat camp.\nCartman: Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, [grabs his creation and drops the plate on the floor] but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!\nMr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.\nCartman: [pleading] Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your family was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!\nLiane: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat. [Cartman is stunned. A piece of Pop Toasties falls on the floor]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees have been dissected in various places, and body parts are all over the desks and floor. A drawing of the manatee and its organs is now on the blackboard.\nMs. Choksondik: And now we will be removing the spleen. Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for a qu-\nPrincipal Victoria: [opens the door and peeks in] Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick word with you?\nMs. Choksondik: [puts down the pointer and goes towards the door] Alright, continue with the removal of the spleen, children. I'll be right back. [opens the door and exits.]\nKyle: [working on his manatee] Aw, dude, check this out. [pulls out the spleen with some scissors]\nStan: [off-screen] That's so gross.\nKyle: Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat this?\nKenny: (I'm not eatin' that!)\nKyle: I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.\nStan: I'll throw in five.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Principal Victoria talks to Ms. Choksondik there.\nPrincipal Victoria: And so apparently there's been a little mixup. The manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the frogs were meant to come here.\nMs. Choksondik: Oh dear.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks have been moved aside and the kids continue contributing to the kitty...\nButters: I'll throw in a dollar!\nBebe: I've got three.\nKyle: Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat it very fast!\nStan: [off-screen, enticing] Forty-one bucks. [Kenny jumps up and starts eating it. The others groan and moan] Eww-ho-hoo! He did it!\nMs. Choksondik: [returns to the front of the class] Alright, children, now, let's get back in our seats. Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together. [the kids blink with surprise]\nScene Description: A wooded area, day. A camp is shown in some hills. It is called \"Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center.\" The Cartman station wagon drives into the camp\nLiane: ...And it has basketball courts and tennis courts, and you can call Mommy any time you want. [Cartman has been looking away all this time. She looks at him] Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad. I'm sure you're going to have a good time. And when you come back you'll be all healthy and thin. [the station wagon pulls up to the Hopeful Hills REGISTRATION building]\nMale Counselor: Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors here. This must be Eric Cartman.\nLiane: Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.\nMale Counselor: Oh, we'll change that. [bends down next to the passenger window] Hello, camper. My name is Rick. How are you doing?\nCartman: Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are you?\nRick: I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll get yo oriented. [stands up and Cartman exits the car] I'll take care of him from here, ma'am.\nLiane: Oh. [bows and opens her arms to hug Cartman] Well, goodbye, sweetie.\nCartman: [darkly] Don't touch me! [moves away a bit]\nRick: Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. A group of kids, all of them fat, stand in a circle and look at each other.\nBrunette: [to Cartman's right] Have you got any candy?\nCartman: No.\nTaller Boy: [to Cartman's left] My mom says I ain't to eat no candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.\nRick: [walks up to the group enthusiastically] Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business! Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn that losing weight is [jumps] fun, right gang?\nTaller Boy: Right.\nRick: Wait a second. [holds his right hand to his ear] Do you kids hear something? [drops his hand] I could've swore that-\nPink Monster: Raaarrrr!!! [a woman in costume]\nRick: Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!\nPink Monster: I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow! [starts hopping around]\nRick: Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise! [holds up an EXERCISE paddle, strikes the monster on the head with it, and tosses it away] And... Proper Diet. [does the same with a PROPER DIET paddle]\nPink Monster: Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me. [falls over on her side]\nRick: I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we kids?\nTaller Boy: Yeah! [Cartman glares at him]\nRick: Well, hold on a second. Because that glutinous fat was really our good friend, Susan, [she pops out of the costume] who's another weight counselor! [she jumps out in front of the costume and exults]\nTaller Boy: Heh! It was a lady in a costume!\nCartman: [miffed] Would somebody put this retard out of his misery?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, playground. Stan and Pip stand by Kenny, who's groaning in pain and holding his stomach.\nKyle: [walks up with Butters] What's the matter?\nStan: Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee spleen made him sick. [Clyde and Token come in from the right, Wendy and Bebe come in from the left. Stan comforts Kenny.]\nKyle: Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it. [Stan jumps back as Kenny starts vomiting the spleen up. Stan and Kyle watch in shock]\nKids: Eewww.\nStan: Well, at least you got it out of your system.\nKyle: Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen! [Butters looks at him] How much, Kenny?\nKenny: (WHAT?!)\nKyle: I'll give you five bucks to eat your puke.\nButters: Huh-I'm in for five!\nStan: Oh, you guys!\nClyde: I've got three.\nToken: Six!\nButters: Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my R. Kelly thermos. [Kenny takes it and opens it up, then bends to scoop the vomit up into the thermos]\nKyle: That's 19 bucks, Kenny! [more kids gather]\nKenny: (Ungh.) [goes ahead and eats his vomit]\nKids around Kenny: AAAAA!\nKids around Timmy: Waugh.\nKyle: Kick ass, dude!\nStan: You know, dude, there might be something to this.\nKyle: Yeah. People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny do this stuff.\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. The counselors come up over a hill and down the other side jogging. They stop\nRick: Doing great kids! Come on! [they resume jogging and the fat kids lumber to the top of the hill panting behind them. Cartman stops and droops]\nCartman: [resumes jogging] This... is... bullcrap!\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, mess hall, after dinner. Rick is talking to the kids\nRick: Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar! How about you, gang?\nCartman: [in withdrawal] I'm starving. This is it. I'm going to die here.\nSusan: [cheerfully arrives with a loaded plate] I hope you all left room for dessert. Soybean pudding for everybody! [serves a plate of the stuff to everyone there, starting with Cartman's table]\nBrunet Boy: [to Cartman's left] Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?\nCartman: [shoves his plate to the boy] Take it! I can't eat this crap!\nBlonde Girl: [to Cartman's right] Me neither. I have to have sugar or I'm going to die.\nCartman: [to the girl] Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.\nBrunet Boy: I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?\nCartman: Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, night. Cartman sneaks out and creeps along the side of the campers' cabin\nCartman: Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free. [sees the entrance and races for it. He exits and races through the meadow until he reaches a road.] We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only question is, do we go home to our traitor moms and friends, or do we start a new life on the run? [an ice cream truck approaches him] An ice cream truck! Hey wait! [races up to the truck. The driver exits the cab] Boy, am I glad to see you!\nDriver: Can I interest you in some ice cream?\nCartman: You're damn right you can! Two Roller Pops, please!\nDriver: [goes to the back of the truck, opens the doors, and pulls out one pop.] Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind? [points to the inside of the truck. Cartman looks]\nCartman: Hunh? [is lifted up] Uuh! [and tossed into the truck. The doors are closed behind him, and he looks up. Before him sit four other kids who have tried to escape]\nBoy 1: [on bench at left] They tricked us again, huh?\nCartman: [stands up] Aw, God-damnit! [turns] LET ME OUT OF HMYA! [pounds on the back doors]\nDriver: Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time. [drives into camp]\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, moments later. The campers' cabin door is opened and the five escapees return to their bunks\nBoy 1: They always get us. Sometimes it's a ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco stand. But they always fool us.\nTaller Boy: Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. Any amount of money for some candy. [Rick and Susan pop into the campers' cabin.]\nRick: Hey kids!\nSusan: Looks like we had some attempted escapees again tonight.\nRick: Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that camp is tough, but you have to believe that you can do it. And you have to know that until you drop the weight, you can't leave.\nSusan: [bends forward sweetly a bit and cocks her head to the left] There is no escape.\nRick: So let's just all put on our try-hard helmets, and accept that the only way for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE THE WEIGHT!\nEric: [pissed off] Aw, damnit!\nScene Description: South Park, the Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced Cartman in the boy's group for now, and they stand in front of the Broflovski parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March, Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor. They argue amongst themselves.\nGerald: That's what being young is all about.\nMr. Garrison: [at the same time] But that's not the question.\nLiane: Thanks for coming, everybody.\nMr. Mackey: Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman? Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble at his weight-management camp?\nStan: We knew he wouldn't make it.\nLiane: Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed up and surprised me last night. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you... the new Eric Cartman. [steps to one side as Cartman enters]\nNew Cartman: Hey, dudes!\nKyle: Whoa! [the others look stunned]\nStan: I don't believe it.\nLiane: Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp. [everyone gathers round Cartman]\nMr. Mackey: Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!\nPrincipal Victoria: Congratulations. How do you feel?\nNew Cartman: I feel awesome!\nKyle: What did they do with all the fat? There must have been enough to last an Eskimo family months.\nNew Cartman: You know, Kyle? There was a time when your fat jokes would have gotten to me. But now I'm totally slim and totally happy! In fact, I'd say I'm [leans a bit to eye Kyle's belly] a little bit trimmer than you, fatboy! [stands erect] Heh heh. Just kidding, Kyle.\nLiane: I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate. Who wants some?\nCartman: Memememeee! [the group heads for the kitchen while Stan and Kyle stay behind]\nKyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.\nStan: Did you like the old one?\nKyle: Good point.\nScene Description: Jesus and Pals\nAnnouncer: And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public Access.\nJesus: [with the new Cartman] Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea. You found that the Spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength.\nNew Cartman: No. Actually, I found a diet that totally works.\nJesus: A little boy who overcame the odds. Let's hear it for Eric Cartman! [the studio audience applauds] Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named Kenny McCormick, who is going to eat dog crap. Kenny? [Kenny enters with Stan, Kyle, and a dog. Music begins as a spotlight falls on Kenny. The dog turns his ass to Kenny and craps. A musical riff plays as Kenny picks the crap up and the audience groans with disgust. Some of them cover their eyes. Kenny lifts the crap dramatically into the air a wailing female joins the music. Another riff plays as Kenny swallows the crap. A small pedestal appears under him and pushes him up and around. The audience groans some more, Kenny finishes off the crap, and the audience beings to cheer. The new Cartman is pissed]\nNew Cartman: God-damnit, all I got was a little golf clap!\nJesus: [hesitant] Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.\nKenny: [gracious] (Sure!)\nMan 1: Do it again!\nMan 2: Do it again!\nMan 3: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!\nNew Cartman: This is ridiculous! [picks at his eye]\nJesus: So. Kenny, how did you discover that you had this... talent?\nStan: We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing.\nJesus: I can't say I approve of this, my children.\nKyle: [he and Stan look at Jesus for a moment] Huh? Why not?\nJesus: Because Kenny is only doing things that anybody could do. For money. He's a prostitute.\nMan 4: I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.\nMan 5: Yeah!\nMan 6: Yeah! Go for it!\nStan: [to Kyle] What's a prostitute?\nKyle: I don't know.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, cafeteria. The kids mill around and eat during lunchtime. In line for their lunches are Craig, Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the kitchen Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive for their lunches.\nChef: [behind the sneeze guard, as usual] Hello there, children!\nStan, Kyle, Kenny: Hey, Chef:\nStan: Chef, what's a prostitute?\nChef: [ponders, then displeased] Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! \"Chef, what's the clitoris?\" \"What's a lesbian, Chef?\" \"How come they call it a rimjob, Chef?\" [the boys blink. Stan and Kyle look at each other] For once, can't you just come in here and say, \"Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?\"!\nStan: Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?\nChef: [pleased] It sure is! Thank you.\nStan: Chef, what's a prostitute?\nChef: Uh uh! You children are gonna get me in trouble with the principal again.\nNew Cartman: [joins the other boys] Lunchtime! I'm starved!\nChef: Oh my God. Eric?\nNew Cartman: That's me.\nStan: Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is.\nChef: Why do you need to know what a prostitute is anyway?!\nStan: Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?\nKenny: (Yeah. Am I?)\nChef: Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not a prostitute.\nKyle: Why?\nChef: Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who... you could pay for certain services.\nStan: Like what?\nChef: Like keeping you company. Understand?\nStan: No.\nChef: You see, children, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman. But sometimes, when the lovin' is over, the woman just wants to talk and talk and talk and talk. [begins singing] But a prostitute is someone who would love you No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true, children. [the new Cartman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking away. They don't notice him. Other kids, Annie, Token, Clyde, Butters, and Bebe, enter the kitchen] That's not why you pay a prostitute, no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards. [Principal Victoria arrives and listens] That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor.\nJames Taylor: [enters next to Chef playing a guitar] A prostitute is like any other woman They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well. [the new Cartman goes into the supply room and starts packing donuts into his backpack]\nChef: And that's why I say-\nChef and James Taylor: Prostitutes! Prostitutes! They-\nChef: Oohhhh [they stop when they see Principal Victoria, who has crossed her arms in anger] ...James Taylor, what the hell are you doin' in here?! Singing' about prostitutes to the children! Get out of here! [James leaves, but Principal Victoria is not satisfied.] ...These children tricked me!\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, that night. After being tucked int bed, the new Cartman sneaks out and rides a bike towards the Center, hides the bike near the entrance, and approaches the gate\nNew Cartman: [a shadow falls on him] Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy.\nCartman: Is anyone starting to suspect anything?\nNew Cartman: Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.\nCartman: Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!\nNew Cartman: Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.\nCartman: What?!\nNew Cartman: I'm the one risking my ass, running around in that stupid town pretending to be you and collecting all the food to bring up here! All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids!\nCartman: Alright alright! Keep your voice down! I'll bump you up to 10%.\nNew Cartman: Twenty.\nCartman: [soft gasp] Suck my balls, 20!\nNew Cartman: Fine! Then I shall bid you good day! [turns aside to get his bike]\nCartman: Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just remember that your parents think that you're in the drug rehab center next door! You blow your cover and we're both screwed! [the new Cartman looks trapped]\nScene Description: The University of Colorado, dorm room. Several students are reading their books while clothes is strewn all over the place\nStudent 1: [bursts through the door] You guys! You have to check this tape out!\nStudent 2: [on the sofa] Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are tomorrow.\nStudent 1: No, dude, check this out! It's a video: this kid, he does all kinds of crazy stuff. [pops the video into the VCR and turns on the TV] Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction site and stayed there for four days! [the screen shows Kenny standing in a pool of poo under the toilet and looking at the camera]\nOther Students: Whoa! [the screen shows a construction worker heading for the Porto-Potty. He enters and sits on the toilet, and a long log of poo descends from his nether regions]\nKenny: [the poo lands square on his face] (Ow.)\nStudent 1: Oh, gro-hoss\nStudent 3: Sick!\nStudent 2: That's awesome! [rushes out to the hall and hollers] Hey guys! Check this out!\nScene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, live\nAnnouncer: [graphics come up animated, with letters exploding behind the show's logo] Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny Show! [four spotlights roam the stage] And now here's your host, the kid who will do anything to himself for money, Krrrra-a-a-a-azy Kenny! [Kenny appears and goes to the center of the stage, The spotlights converge on him as music reaches climax] Kenny, through the past weeks we've seen you eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers and ...wash your hair with battery acid. The question in all our minds is, who-haht are you gonna do next? [the audience cheers]\nKenny: (Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather a full-body sensual massage.)\nAnnouncer: Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny is going to give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!\nMan 1: Oho! Yeah!\nMan 2: Woohoo!\nScene Description: Fanfare as the stage rotates to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny opens up a bottle of massage oil and begins massaging him\nAudience: Awww! Awgh!\nStan: Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!\nNew Cartman: This is so juvenile. [bites a licorice stick. He has a box of donuts on his lap, and he and Kyle have licorice sticks]\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you? [takes a donut]\nStan: Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's up?\nNew Cartman: Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of that licorice to- take home?\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next night. Rick is in the campers' cabin\nRick: Alright campers, good work today. Lights out, and we'll see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet. [opens the door, exits, and closes the door]\nSusan: [waiting] All beddy-byes for the night, are they?\nRick: I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan. These kids aren't losing the weight.\nSusan: We'll just have to give them more time. They'll do it!\nRick: They'll do it.\nSusan: They'll do it!! [the counselors leave. Inside the cabin Cartman looks out the window, watching them leave]\nCartman: [turns around] Alright, they're gone! [walks to his bed and pulls out a suitcase from underneath] The Cartman store is open! [the other kids leave their bunks and head for Cartman]\nBlonde Girl: [first in line, hands him some money] Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please.\nCartman: [quickly as he hands the goods over] Two donuts and a pack of licorice. [she walks away,and a big, tall boy is next] Well, Tony, the usual? [Tony, with squinty eyes, blinks and Cartman gives him the usual. Tony walks away. Another boy walks up, crying] Why are you crying, Chad?\nChad: [sobbing] 'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself when they're right in front of me like this. [sobs some more. Cartman moves away a bit] All my life I've been fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight. I want to, but I can't help myself. [breaks down]\nCartman: [comforts Chad] Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need? You need a friend.\nChad: [wipes away his tears] I'd, I do?\nCartman: Yes. [dangles a chocolate in front of him] A chocolate friend. [Chad begins to howl] Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. [opens the wrapper to expose the aroma and tempts him] Look at how yummy and sweet he is. [Chad, still sobbing, takes the candy bar and starts eating. Cartman bides his time] ...There you go. That'll just be four dollars. [Chad hands him the money and finishes the candy bar. Cartman just watches] ...There you go.\nScene Description: A Krazy Kenny Show promo\nAnnouncer: This week on Pay Per View [a yellow starburst appears with \"PAY PER VIEW\" on it, then another starburst with Kenny standing behind Ms. Crabtree], Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus and [a shot of Kenny inside the uterus] stay there for six hours. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Order now!\nScene Description: The big city, day. City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio, with Howard Stern hosting, and three guests. On the walls are posters, one of which is of Elton John. Two loves dolls are in the background, and the Antonio Banderas one is behind Stern\nHoward Stern: Alright, so we're back talkin' to three competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy Kenny.\nTom Green: Hey, Howard.\nHoward Stern: Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View special this week, where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus and stay there for six hours.\nJohnny Knoxville: [stammering] Wow!\nHoward Stern: Now, some people that all you guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money, which makes you whores. But I'd like to prove them wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give me oral sex right now.\nTom Green: I'm in.\nJohnny Knoxville: Me too.\nKenny: (And me!)\nHoward Stern: Oh.\nTom Green: Fine! I'll do it for 40!\nJohnny Knoxville: 30.\nTom Green: [points at Johnny] 20!\nKenny: (...Ten bucks!)\nHoward Stern: Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks.\nTom Green: Damnit. I'm out.\nJohnny Knoxville: Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.\nHoward Stern: Alright, let's get going, then. Can we cut the cameras?\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...\nRick: And we're gonna reach for the sky... [has arms high above his head]\nCampers: [follow through] Woo-aagh.\nRick: And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]\nCampers: [follow through] Woo-ugh.\nRick: And up to the sky... [arms high above his head]\nCampers: [follow through] Woo-aagh. [Cartman and the camper to his right perform a quick transaction - Cartman hands him a pastry for a few bucks.]\nRick..: And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]\nCampers: [follow through] Woo-ugh. [a couple enters the yard with their son, the taller camper Cartman got annoyed with early on. Susan catches up]\nSusan: Please, Mr. Sanders. [Rick rises quickly]\nMr. Sanders: No! I have had it!\nRick: What's happening?\nSusan: Horace's parents want to take him home.\nRick: Oh! But he's not ready yet.\nMr. Sanders: Look at what you've done to my boy! You told Horace that he was responsible for his weight! You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet, he could be thin! When we told you it was his genetics!\nRick: They can lose the weight if they try.\nMr. Sanders: Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner! [a shot of the campers] Your camp is a fraud! You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat!\nSusan: Please, sir, if you give us one more week,...\nMr. Sanders: Your time is up!\nMrs. Sanders: Yeah, your time is up!\nMr. Sanders: And I'm going to call all the other parents to tell them to come claim their kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of time!\nHorace: But, Dad, I...\nMr. Sanders: What?! [Horace looks at Cartman, who look back concerned]\nHorace: ...Nothin'. [he and his parents turn right and walk away]\nSusan: We're in trouble, Rick.\nScene Description: South Park, day. At the television studio preparations are made for Kenny's test of endurance. Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, and Kyle (with hammer) are onstage. The sounds of sawing and hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree is prepped for the test, with her legs spread open and the genital area blocked off by small curtains.\nKyle: Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table enough?\nMs. Crabtree: HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?\nKyle: Six hours.\nMs. Crabtree: HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!\nKyle: Great.\nStan: [enters and runs to the stage] You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!\nKyle: For what?\nStan: For giving Howard Stern a hummer!\nButters: Who-what's a hummer??\nStan: I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at least three months!\nKyle: Three months?! But the pay-per-view is tomorrow!\nStan: I know! [Kyle gets an idea. He and Stan descend the steps to talk to the new Cartman, who stands nearby]\nKyle: [sits next to the new Cartman. Stan sits by Kyle's other side] He worked so hard, come so close. Now we'll never see Kenny crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.\nNew Cartman: You know, maybe we've all learned something here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time, havin' to always outdo himself. Now he's in jail for being a whore. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame. [Kyle looks at him with suspicious anger]\nKyle: ...Alright, that does it! [rises and backs up a bit] This has been bothering the hell out of me! [reaches for the new Cartman's cap and pulls it off, revealing a puffy head of hair. Stan registers shock] I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!\nNew Cartman: Uh oh.\nScene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show. The big moment arrives\nAnnouncer: Well, we've seen him do just about every disgusting thing in the book, and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours! [the audience jumps and applauds] Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?\nMs. Crabtree: I feel great! I haven't had this much attention paid to my coot since I was 16!\nAudience: [jumping, cheering] Hooray!\nAnnouncer: Well, let's bring out the man of the hour, you know him as the-\nScene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman, now the new Kenny, ready, dressing him like Kenny.\nKyle: Don't worry, dude. You're gonna do great.\nNew Kenny: [pulls the hood off his face] No way! I'm not doing this!\nKyle: Oh, you're doing it, or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!\nNew Kenny: But this isn't fair!\nStan: [walks up and puts the hood back on the new Kenny] Deal, druggie!\nNew Kenny: (But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there!)\nScene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, later\nAnnouncer: And here he is, Kenny McCormick! [Kenny enters, waves to the audience as it cheers, and walks towards Ms. Crabtree. Kenny parts the little curtains and the audience quiets down. The audience reacts as Kenny climbs into the uterus] We can watch him on the video monitors. How are you doin' in there, Kenny? [four monitors frame the stage prop behind Ms. Crabtree. Above her is a digital timer. Inside the womb, Kenny holds his right thumb up]\nCarol: That's my boy! [Stuart smiles]\nScene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next day. The parents have come for their campers. All the parents are fat, too.\nRick: Good-bye, Chad.\nChad's Dad: We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.\nRick: Naturally.\nSusan: Good-bye, Alice.\nAlice: Good-bye. Thank you.\nRick: Oh, don't thank us. We failed you.\nCartman: [off to one side] ...65, 66, 67... [counting the dollars he's collected during his stay]\nChad: [at the back door of the car, turns around] Wait a second! This isn't right! [other campers and their parents stop] It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food!\nCartman: [through gritted teeth] Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!\nHorace: No, he's right. The counselors've been doing a good job. We've just been cheating.\nOther campers: Yeah.\nHorace: I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna make excuses no more.\nGirl: Me neither.\nOther campers: Yeah. [newly overjoyed, Rick and Susan grin and look at each other]\nHorace: If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.\nRick: Well, it's alright with me. Parents?\nMr. Sanders: Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're all done you can teach me a thing or two, huh son? [rubs his son's hair; Horace looks up and grins at him]\nCartman: You know? You guys are right. I'm sick of being the fat kid, too. I've been making excuses all my life. But I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried hard, and we all tried together, well we really can lose the weight! [grins hopefully]\nSusan: Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore.\nCampers: Yeah.\nCartman: What?!\nRick: Bubbye. [turns around and walks into the registration building with Susan. The rest of the campers follow them in.]\nCartman: Well, screw you, fatasses! [begins sobbing, and pulls out a donut from his pocket. He eats at it between sobs.]\nScene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, stage. The countdown continues...\nAudience: Four, three, two, one!\nAnnouncer: He did it! Come on out, Kenny! [nothing happens] You made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there. [nothing] Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push. [Ms. Crabtree breathes in and pushes down. The new Kenny comes out of the uterus and slides down the steps of the stage]\nAudience: OOOOHHHHHH!\nDr. Doctor: He's dead. The pressure must have killed him.\nMs. Crabtree: I told you I was a tight virgin flower.\nStan: [pointing] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort of.\nKyle: Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s look-alike. You bastards!\nAnnouncer: Well, he gave his life for our amusement. One little boy who dared to be different. Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick. [Ms. Crabtree pushes down and another boy, wearing glasses, descends] Who was that?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day, Kyle's house. Kyle is playing football with Ike on the front lawn. The football rests in front of Ike\nKyle: Come on. Throw the football, Ike.\nIke: [picks up the football] No on dahdo. [the football weighs him down and he sinks into the snow. Kyle rushes forward]\nStan: [rushes up with Cartman and Kenny] Dude! [Kyle looks] You're not gonna believe what Cartman has!\nKyle: Hepatitis B?\nCartman: No, dickhole. Four tickets, 28th row, for the Raging Pussies!\nKyle: ...You got Raging Pussies tickets??\nStan: We're going tomorrow night! Cartman's got the bus schedule all figured out!\nKyle: [withdraws] Hold on. I'll be right back. [turns and runs into the house]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room. On the sofa Gerald reads a newspaper, Sheila reads a book. Kyle rushes up to them\nKyle: Mom, Dad, can I go with the guys to see the Raging Pussies?\nSheila: No, Kyle.\nKyle: But all the guys are going!\nSheila: Kyle, you're not old enough, and those concerts are dangerous and vile.\nKyle: But Mom, I-\nGerald: The answer is no, Kyle!\nKyle: Ugh! [turns right and walks out]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn. Kyle rejoins the boys\nKyle: My parents said I can't go.\nStan: [blinks at Cartman, who blinks back] Well, of course your parents said you can't go!\nCartman: Dummy, you don't ask if you can go! I'm telling my parents I'm staying at Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's not telling his parents anything, 'cause they're alcoholics and they don't care!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nKyle: [looks down] Ah. Oh, now I already told them.\nCartman: Well, I guess you're screwed, then. [walks away with the other two]\nKyle: No! It's alright! Just give me some time to work on them. I'll see you guys later. [turns and runs back into the house. Ike finally throws the football off and looks out from the snow]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Kyle tries to persuade his parents\nKyle: ...But what if I do a bunch of chores around the house? Come on, you're being unfair!\nSheila: Alright. Fine, Kyle, you can go to the Raging Pussies concert if you clean out the garage, shovel the driveway and bring democracy to Cuba!\nKyle: What's Cuba?\nGerald: A communist country run by a dictator named Fidel Castro.\nKyle: And do I have to shovel the whole driveway, or just the side the car is on?\nSheila: The whole thing.\nKyle: Hoh, geez. [walks away]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, his bedroom, night. He's at his desk writing a letter. He's done his other chores\nKyle: Dear Mr. Castro: [thinks] I am an eight-year-old American boy who lives in South Park.\nScene Description: Centro Nacional de Cuba. Castro, flanked by an armed guard on each side, is at his desk reading Kyle's letter\nKyle: And if I had just one wish, just one wish in the whole world, If I had one wish it'd be for Cuba to change. [Castro sees a drawing of a sad Kyle holding a flower, which fades to a sad Kyle writing his letter] Because I think that all the Cubans are in pain All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea [Kyle finishes a drawing of a sad rainbow coalition atop a world globe] Doesn't mean a thing if Cubans aren't free [Castro see a drawing of a sad Kyle inside a small house] I just can't be very happy, that's certain [A picture of Kyle replaces his self-portrait on the paper] Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin' [Kyle finishes one last drawing of himself, which Castro sees last] Oh, won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind? That is my one and only wish.\nCastro: ¡¡Llamen a todos junto!!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room, next day. He and his parents watch TV and a news brief comes on. Kyle smiles, his parents are stunned\nReporter: Once again, this does mark the end of Communism in Cuba. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro claims he was finally convinced by a young boy's letter. [A shot of Kyle behind a wooden fence comes up] Now the country is again open to American tourism. [shot of Sheila and Gerald stunned] Plans can finally resume for Knott's Berry Farm Cuba. [Sheila and Gerald look at each other]\nKyle: [exults] I did it! Now I can go to the Raging Pussies!\nSheila: No you can't!\nKyle: [wounded, turns] What??\nGerald: Kyle, your mother and I don't want you going to the Raging Pussies concert! We gave you a chore that we thought was impossible. You weren't supposed to actually do it.\nKyle: But I did! Ah, I brought democracy to Cuba!\nSheila: We know, Kyle, but we just don't want you going to their concert.\nKyle: But that's not fair! You lied to me!\nGerald: Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong, buh- but you need to understand that we don't want-\nKyle: What I understand is that you totally screwed me over!! So why should I have to listen to you?!\nGerald: Because we're your parents!\nKyle: Well I wish I didn't have any parents! [walks to the front door, opens it, and exits, shocking Gerald and Sheila]\nSheila: Kyle!\nScene Description: Kenny's house, front steps. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the steps as Kenny plays on the lawn with a fire truck\nKyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!\nStan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.\nKyle: They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!\nCartman: [smoothly] Well, you... could make them... go away for a while.\nKyle: How?!\nCartman: Well, I mean, you... could... call the police and have them take your parents away.\nStan: The police?\nCartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.\nKyle: What's that?\nCartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.\nKyle: [awed] Wow! Three months without parents!\nKenny: (Wow, that is awesome!)\nStan: But what do the police do to them?\nKyle: Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.\nCartman: You have to make it convincing, though, when you call the police. You have to be like, [slight whine] \"my parents molestered me.\"\nKyle: [straight] \"My parents molestered me.\"\nCartman: No, but you've gotta cry, like this: [starts a fake sob, rubs his eyes] \"My parents molestered me.\" [stops the fake cry] And then they'll say something like, \"Was it a good touch or a bad touch?\" and you say [rolls his eyes as he thinks] \"Uh, it was a good touch\" or- no wait, [points] you say it was a bad touch.\nKyle: What's \"bad touch\"?\nCartman: Something about a swimsuit - I don't remember, but you definitely answer \"bad touch.\"\nKyle: Okay, molestered, bad touch.\nCartman: Yeah, And cry. [Kyle lets out a soft cry] Oh, he's ready.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Police and press gather round as the four boys and Ike watch by the driveway. Gerald and Sheila exit the house followed by two policemen. Two reporters try to ask them questions as cameras go off all around them\nSheila: Oh my God, this isn't happening. I would never touch my children like that.\nCase Worker: [female] You do have the right to remain silent, ma'am. I suggest you use that right.\nSheila: Ugh, please, just listen to me! [Cartman chuckles as Kyle's parents are taken to the back door of a squad car] What about my children? Who will take care of them?\nCase Worker: Oh, now you care?! They're going to live with their grandmother.\nSheila: Their grandmother's been dead for three years. [she is put into the back seat, and the door is shut. The window is rolled down] You're not listening to me. Kyle, tell these people that your- [the window is raised so her voice can't be heard clearly] mother never raped you! Tell them! It's my fault. Say it! Tell them right now!!\nCase Worker: [walks up to Kyle] They'll never be able to hurt you again. [picks Kyle up and hugs him]\nKyle: Cool, thanks.\nCase Worker: [drops Kyle and stands up] Alright, folks. Our work here is done. [police cars doors close, police cars zoom away, and everyone else disperses]\nStan/Kyle: [Cartman grins] Alright! [high-five each other]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room, shot of the hallway and stairs. \"Old Time Rock 'N' Roll\" plays. Kyle slides into view in his hat and underwear, facing away from the camera. He looks left and his sunglasses are shown. As the first words are sung, Kyle faces the camera and lip-syncs to them. With Chinpokomon around them, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman jump gleefully up and down on the sofa. In the kitchen Ike sticks a fork into the toaster. Kyle dances some more.Next scene is the Raging Pussies concert outside and inside a stadium. The four boys are in the audience, and Kyle is still in underwear. Next scene shows kids from all over descend on Kyle's house for a party at night. Everyone dances inside, some kids are eating pizza and Kyle is still in underwear.\nStan: Dude! Having no parents is awesome! I'm gonna say my parents molestered me, too.\nCartman: Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents molestered us!\nKids: Yeah, uh huh, woo hoo!\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room. He's on the phone crying. Next scene, his parents are hauled off by five cops. Shelly is shocked to see her parents go, but Stan begins to dance. She looks at him angrily and begins to pull her fist back. Stan stops dancing and points at her. A cop hauls her off. Stan resumes dancing. Kenny's house, living room. Kenny's on the phone. Next scene: his parents are being placed in the back seat of a squad car.Cartman's house, front door. The door opens and Liane is hauled out, then one man, then Chef. Cartman appears after them and stops at the door, and waves goodbye to them.South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's class. In front of the class, she's hauled off. Then Principal Victoria is taken away, and then Mr. Mackey, as Butters accuses him of something to the case worker. Four panes appear, with a child in each one (Clyde, Francis, Red, and Token) calling the police. At the local bar police swarm in and the patrons scatter. Final shot: All the parents are gathered at the gates of Canyon City Maximum Security Prison\nTV Announcer: The following hot presentation is for mature audiences only.\nCartman: [slides up in front of the others] You guys! Come out here! [walks out the door. The other two follow, leaving Ike alone on the sofa.]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. The sky is a deep blue and the streets are clear of snow. Token, Butters and Kenny stand behind Filmore and his friend. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Clyde\nStan: What's going on?\nCartman: Notice anything? [before them the town sits empty as the sun sits between two mountains in a red sky.] Watch. [takes a stone and throws it hard. It flies through the air and goes through a first-floor window on a building two blocks away]\nKyle: ...Nothing.\nCartman: Yeah, nothing. There's not an adult left in town. [more kids gather] They've all been arrested, and the ones that weren't arrested have moved away because they're scared of being arrested\nKyle: Not one adult left?\nStan: [steps forward] ...Then it's ours. The whole town. It's ours.\nScene Description: The Rockies, some days later. A car winds its way down the winding road in a snow storm\nWoman: Oh, sweetie, I have no idea where we are.\nMan: I haven't seen a road marker for miles. What was the last highway we were on?\nWoman: There has to be a town around here somewhere.\nMan: Maybe you're reading the map wrong.\nWoman: Hey, it was your idea to take the backroads. [both of them are suddenly shocked as the engine begins to falter]\nMan: What the? [the speedometer goes down to 0 and the car begins to hobble] Oh no. No, no, no, no.\nWoman: What's the matter with it?\nMan: [worried] I have no idea. Oh, we're gonna have to find some help quick. We're not gonna make it more than a couple of miles.\nWoman: Oh, look! There's a town up ahead. [the signpost for South Park appears, but \"SMiLEy ToWN\" appears in yellow over it. Underneath the sign, a clown mask appears while four balloons] Smiley Town? That's a strange name.\nMan: Well, it'll have to do. It's probably the only town for a hundred miles. [they pass the sign.]\nScene Description: Smiley Town, a beat-up gas station. The car rolls up and the man and woman get out. The woman joins the man on the driver's side of the car.\nWoman: Hello? Is anybody here? [so rustling is heard and Butters emerges from the garage in a mechanic's suit]\nButters: Hoh, hahh, can I- help you folks?\nMan: ...Yes, we need a mechanic to look at our car.\nButters: Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic, I guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?\nMan: ...It's... just you here?\nButters: No, uh Craig's here, too.\nMan: Oh, good.\nButters: But he's playing Spaceman right now. Huh. Hey, Craig! [Craig exits the office wearing a space outfit complete with helmet]\nCraig: [approaches] What?\nMan: Look we're in a bit of a spot here! I've got a very important job interview tomorrow morning in Breckenridge, so I have to get my car fixed fast! Is there another garage in town?\nButters: Huuuhhhh, no.\nMan: How about a phone? Can we just use the phone?\nButters: Phone here doesn't work. Haa-I'm afraid the only phone that does work... is over in Treasure Cove.\nMan: Fine! Can you take us there?\nCraig: You... sure you wanna go to Treasure Cove?\nWoman: Yes.\nButters: Uhh rrreeally are you sure?\nMan: Yes.\nButters: Oh, alright then. [to Craig] Uh, show 'em where it is.\nScene Description: Downtown Smiley Town. Craig leads the couple down the streets to a white line running down the center of a cross street\nCraig: [stops just short of the line] This is the end of Smiley Town. The only phone is somewhere in Treasure Cove. If you wanna find it, you're gonna have to cross the white line.\nMan: Well, can you help us find the phone, please?\nCraig: Hell no! I'm not crossing the white line.\nWoman: Why not?!\nMan: Alright, let's just... go, Linda. I don't have time for Spaceman Spiff's little games.\nCraig: Craig.\nMan: What?\nCraig: It's Spaceman Craig. [walks away slowly, deliberately, making sci-fi sound effects as he walks. Linda and her husband look at each other baffled. They then walk forward...]\nScene Description: Downtown Treasure Cove. The couple walks into this town to the sound of ominous music. The town looks worse than Smiley Town does.\nTwo Small Voices: [off screen] Carousel. [the couple notices a shadow between two buildings. The shadow moves away quickly, and the couple walks on. More ominous music comes up as the walking resumes walking]\nMore Voices: Nah nah nanah nah! [a post falls over, scaring Linda into her husband's arms]\nMan: Look, there's an elementary school [the school has been renamed Treasure Cove Elementary, and it is extremely trashed] Come on, there might be some teachers inside. [the couple heads for the school, but a toy Mega zips by them]\nLinda: [holds on to her husband] What is that? [the truck turns around and comes back] WAAH [raises a foot to avoid being hit by the truck. The truck goes down the street, then turns around and returns once more, stopping in front of the frightened couple] What do you want from us??\nMan: Linda, it's a remote-controlled car. [the truck repositions itself] Looks like maybe there's a little camera on it. [the couple is seen in a little monitor inside the school. The truck does have a camera in it]\nLinda: Mark, I don't like this.\nMark: Relax, Linda, everything's fine. [looks closer at the truck. A little index finger presses on a button named Lemmin Juice. The truck ejects a stream of juice] Ow. [squirt] Ow. [rubs his eyes]\nLinda: [panicking] What is it?! Acid?!\nMark: No, uh, it's lemon juice.\nLinda: Oh God! Are you blind?!\nMark: No, it just really, really, really hurts!\nLinda: Mark? Mark, look. [Mark rubs his eyes, then blinks them to focus. Before him is a line of kindergartners. The two sides stare at each other, then a girl steps forward] Well, hello. What's your name? [the girl just looks back at her] What- what do you want?\nJenny: We wanna play.\nLinda: [panicked, rises] Mark, I'm scared!\nMark: [rises] Don't be scared. They're just kids. [to the kindergartners] Where are your parents?!\nFilmore: We already played with our parents.\nJenny: How, we wanna play wit' youuuu. [points at the couple]\nMark: [silence] ...Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.\nKindergartners: [come at the couple all at once] We wanna play wit' you! [jump on the couple]\nMark: Get off me! [twirls, but the kids don't fall off]\nLinda: Oh God, Mark! Help! [the couple goes towards the dividing line between Smiley Town and Treasure Cove]\nFilmore: [clinging onto Linda] Oh no! She's crossing the white line!\nKindergartners: Whoa! [fall off the couple and quickly rise to cross the line back to Treasure Cove. Spitballs come flying at them]\nKindergartner: Spitwads! [the launchers are seen: the sixth graders, Pip, Clyde, and Craig, with their straws.]\nCraig: [space helmet off] Take that, kindergartners!\nKindergartners: Ew! [all turn to leave. Jenny is the last to go. The older kids and the couple watch them leave]\nMark: What the hell is gong on here?!\nCraig: [space helmet back on] Kindergartners. Treasure Cove is full of them.\nMark: Alright, kid! We demand to see an adult this instant!\nCraig: I got new orders. I'm supposed to take you to see the mayor.\nMark: The mayor! Good! Finally!\nScene Description: Smiley Town City Hall, day. Pictures of Cartman adorn the building and the path to the front door. A large inflatable King Kong floats above the snow and is tethered to the ground below. Craig and Butters lead Mark and Linda into the Mayor's office, where they face Cartman behind the desk, with Dog Poo and Francis as his assistants.. Clyde Frog sits on the desk at Cartman's right side, and his boombox is at left.\nCartman: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you come in, please? [Mark and Linda look at each other] Mr. and Mrs. Cotner, as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would like to ask you a few questions.\nLinda: You're the mayor? What the hell is gong on here?! Where are your parents?!\nCartman: Parents? [his left-hand assistant (Francis) whispers in his ear and withdraws] Ah, you mean the birth-givers. They're not around.\nMark: No parents in the entire town? What happened to them?\nCartman: Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley Town, and so I will ask the questions around hyah!\nLinda: Look, just point us to a phone, kid, alright?\nCartman: Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the phones... quite out of service.\nMark: No phones, either? How do you communicate?\nCartman: [opens up an empty jar and speaks into it] Butters, I need an ETA on the car, stat. [closes the lid on the jar as Francis waits on him and hands the jar to Francis. He hops down and goes out the door]\nMark: Alright, we've had just about enough here! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! I don't care what little games you kids wanna play, we just want outta here, alright? [the boy returns with the jar and hands it back to Cartman, who opens it up again]\nButter's Voice: It's gonna be about three days. [Cartman looks at the couple, who stand speechless]\nCartman: [tosses the jar aside, and it breaks] So, it appears that you need me. Which is good, because... I need you, too. [moves a plate of treats forward] Ringy-ding?\nMark: I have the job interview of my life in Breckenridge! Just tell me how to get to a phone or a car!\nFrancis: SpitBall!\nCartman: Aaahh! [jumps from his chair a second before a huge spitball crashes through the window and lands on the floor. He picks himself off the floor and goes to look out the window angrily] You sons of bitches! [turns to the couple] You see what we're dealing with here. Tonight is Carousel. And they will try to kill one of us. Eh, you two seem to have the uncanny ability to cross the white line. If you help us, we'll get you what you need. [Mark and Linda, both unsure, look at each other]\nScene Description: Dividing line at the John Elway Memorial Park. The couple enters the park, Mark on the left side of the line, Linda on the right side\nLinda: Mark, are we doing the right thing?\nMark: Look! If getting the stupid book will get me a cell phone, I don't care!\nLinda: I just don't know if you're dealing with these kids the right way.\nMark: [stops and scolds] Well, I told you I can't deal with kids, Linda! That's why I don't want to have children!\nLinda: [encouraging] Hey, I think you'd make a great father.\nMark: Oh, let's not go through this again, Linda. D- [moves forward again. Before them is a 20-ft John Elway statue.] Look, here's the book they've been talking about- [softly] it makes no sense.\nLinda: My God! Mark! [in front of the statue is a small altar on which sit two kids. A dead dog is on the ground, and off to one side is a dead Kenny. Mark approaches him and inspects him closely] What is it??\nMark: It's a boy. [reaches down to touch Kenny. Kenny's left hand and arm have been eaten away, leaving only the bones. Kenny's head turns when Mark touches him, and only the skull remains] They... killed him.\nLinda: The bastards. Oh, Mark, let's get out of here.\nKindergartners: Nah nah nanah nah!\nLinda: Na-a-ah! [older kids in costume enter the park and line up behind the kindergartners]\nMark: Oh no! [they both turn, only to face another group of kids. Both groups close in on them]\nLinda: Mark!\nMark: [to the kids] Uh. The fat kid told us to take it. [the angry mod captures them]\nScene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, evening. Inside, Mark and Linda are tied, asleep and backs to each other, next to a bonfire.\nMark: [wakes up first] Wuh. Aah! Mark! Mark, wake up! [Mark awakens and both look at the group of kids, from kindergartners to fifth graders, staring back]\nKids: Nah nah nanah nah! [close in on the couple again]\nStan: You guys, stop it! [glides down from a tall pole in the school gym and jumps to a spot in front of the couple] Sorry about them. Kindergartners are kind of spazzes.\nKyle: [emerges from the group and stands next to Stan] Yeah. [these two head Treasure Cove]\nMark: Why are you doing this?\nStan: How come you wanna help the fatass?!\nMark: Who?\nKyle: The fatass. The mayor.\nMark: Look, I have the job interview of my life in less than- [struggles to view his watch, but finally does] -12 hours! I just need a phone, and he said he'd help me if I took your book so you couldn't... kill them anymore.\nStan: You got foolied, outlander! We're the only ones with a working phone. And if you had taken our book, then it's one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!\nLinda: Uh, how did this all happen? Why do you children live in this town alone?\nKyle: Because we do. It was like this yesterday, and the day before that.\nLinda: But what about before that?\nStan: You mean in the before time? In the long, long ago?\nLinda: Yes!!\nStan: If we tell you, will you help us stop Fatass?\nMark: I'll do anything to get to a phone!\nStan: Alright. Everybody gather round. We're gonna tell the story of the before time again.\nKids: The Before time.\nBoy: The story of the before time.\nStan: [with a torch, walks up to a chalk drawing on a wall of a family] Way back, in the long long ago, we all lived by the birth-givers' laws. But the birth-givers were unfair. They made us go to bed early and eat broccoli. [a drawing of broccoli is shown]\nKids: Yuck, yuck, yuck.\nStan: [walks past a drawing of Cartman] And so the fatass came up with a way to have all the birth-givers disappear. [stops at a drawing of two police officers arresting an adult, with a squad car in the background], by using the magic M word. [a large M is shown]\nKids: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.\nStan: Soon we were without power, water, or fresh food. But we tried to survive. Under the guidance of... the Provider. [a drawing of a statue]\nKids: Provider. Provider.\nStan: The fatass and us disagreed on how to worship the provider. The fatass tried to make us follow his way by making himself the school principal. So we made ourselves the superintendents of school. But then he just made himself the mayor. The town split sides and that's when the Provider got angry. [an angry Provider shoots bolts of lightning from his body, and two victims are at his feet]\nKids: Boo!\nBoy: Bwack bwack!\nKids: Coosh!\nStan: So now, every night, the Provider must be appeased at Carousel. We need their book so one of ours doesn't die. [the two books are shown, with the line between them]\nKids: Carousel, Carousel.\nStan: We all know that one day, the Provider will set us free. Make everything like it was in the before time. In the long, long ago.\nMark: Ah-ah-ah-ah,let me get this straight: if I go get the fat kid's book on the other side of the white line, you'll show me where a cell phone is?\nStan: Yes. No foolies.\nKids: No foolies.\nScene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, outside. The couple is still inside\nMark: No, uh, it's it's it's right out here. Come on. [pushes the front door of the school and it falls away] Linda, I want you to just go back to the car and wait for me, alright? I'll go get that fat kid's book so I can use their phone.\nLinda: Mark, I'm scared. [holds on to him]\nMark: I know, but this will all be over soon.\nScene Description: Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day. Sheila, dressed in prison orange, is brought into a large room to join the other adults, and the door is locked behind her.\nSheila: Oh, Gerald, I haven't seen you for so long!\nGerald: Hello, honey, how has prison been for you?\nSheila: Oh, it's awful! Just awful.\nSpeaker: Alright parents, let's all take our seats. [Gerald and Sheila sit] My name is Scott Evans, and I am a prison rehabilitation counselor.\nRandy: Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I honestly never touched our child.\nGerald: Eh, neither did we.\nCarol: We didn't, either.\nMr. Evans: Enough, enough! [all fall silent] Look, it's obvious we have a lot of emotional issues and personal demons to face here. During your prison time, you will all be spending one hour a day in therapy here with me. What I want you to do is learn to control those sick, sexual urges you have. Now we're gonna try an exercise: I'm gonna confront you with what you lust after most. [walks off and brings back a life-size stand-up of \"Beaver\" Cleaver] Alright parents, now I, I know this is difficult, but I want you to just look at this child. Just try to suppress your urges to rape him. [no response from the inmates] Just think about somethin' else. Think about clouds and beaches. Don't think about his supple, soft little body.\nGerald: Oh, that's disgusting!!! Now, now stop this!!\nMr. Evans: Fight your urges, Mr. Broflovski!\nGerald: I don't have any urges!\nMr. Evans: I can't help you if you won't admit you need help!! Now sit down! [Gerald thinks a moment, then sits down] Look, I know this is very difficult for all of you. Most of you are still in denial about what you've done! To you it seems you've never raped your children at all! But you did. Help meeee help youuuu. [the adults remain silent, no objections] Now let's try again. [genuflects] Look at this young man. Just look. Don't rape. Fight it. Fight it!\nScene Description: Smiley Town, street. Linda walks out from behind a van.\nLinda: Oh God, God, please just let us out of this place. [reaches the gas station and is horrified by what she sees. The couple's car has been placed on blocks and thoroughly stripped of its parts. Butters comes out from behind the car with a window handle]\nButters: I think I found the problem, ma'am. A broken window roller-upper.\nLinda: [backs up] Oh no. NO! [turns around and stops in her tracks.] Aaaah! [Cartman's group faces her]\nCartman: Where is your husband?\nLinda: Uh, uh...\nCartman: Seize her! [the others move forth]\nScene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, school gym. Mark has returned\nMark: Alright, I got the book for you. [hands it to Stan]\nStan: [receives it] Awesu-home!\nMark: Now, can I please have the cell phone?\nKyle: Sure, outlander. I'll get it [starts to move...]\nCartman: [outside] Outlander! [all look in the direction of the sound]\nScene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, outside. Cartman, holding a taser, leads the Smiley Town members to the school. Linda is bound and gagged, but can still walk\nCartman: Outlander! We have your woman! She still lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood was fair!\nButters: Oo what the heck are you talkin' about?\nCartman: Butters, calm down, alright?\nScene Description: Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day, meeting room.\nMr. Evans: Okay, so what are some other things that we can do besides molest our children?\nMan: [in back row] See a movie?\nMr. Evans: Sure, \"see a movie\"'s good. [writes it down on the blackboard] We could see a movie instead of molesting our children. What else?\nCarol: Make a sweater?\nMr. Evans: Uh huh. I'll put ah, \"knitting, sewing.\" [writes them down] Who's got another one?\nBlond Man: [to Liane's left] Molest children?\nMr. Evans: Nonono, we're looking for things to do besides molesting our children.\nBlond Man: Oh. Fishing?\nMr. Evans: Fishing's good. Uh huh. [writes that down]\nScene Description: John Elway Memorial Park, night. The two towns meet at the dividing line, Linda with Smiley Town, Mark with Treasure Cove.\nCartman: I believe you have something of ours, outlander! Give it back, or the female gets it! [gives her a small shock]\nLinda: Mmrrhhhh!\nCartman: Heh, heheh.\nLinda: Rrrmm-mmrrhh!\nMark: Give him the book back.\nStan: No. If they have it, one of ours will die for Carousel!\nCartman: We're running out of time! Hand our book over, quick!\nMark: Enough of this! You kids are all in big trouble! [goes to ungag his wife, and the statue's clock begins to peal: 8:00 p.m. An electric current makes its way down to a pool of water and returns to the statue, electrifying it. The right arm, holding a football, moves forward]\nCartman: The Provider awakes!\nStan: It's time for Carousel! Haha, your side doesn't have its book, fatass! That means someone on your side is sacrificed tonight.\nCartman: Aw, damnit! Alright. [gets formal] It is decided. [points, in normal voice] Butters, your turn. [other kids back away. Tweek and another boy take Butters away.]\nButters: Oh, I'm gonna be sacrificed to the Provider!\nMark: Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody tonight!\nLinda: Be careful, Mark. They'll make you disappear with the M word.\nCartman: Yeah, we'll call the police and say you molestered us, too.\nMark: What? [Butters makes his way to the altar on the dividing line. Tweek and three others monitor him]\nButters: I'm here for you, Provider! Uh, take me! [Tweek and the other three chain him up]\nMark: Is that what happened to the adults here?! You lied to the police and said they molested you?! My God, they were your parents!\nStan: [all the kids turn from the altar and face the couple] Parents?\nMark: The birth-givers! Your birth-givers. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Don't you remember? They are your providers! Not some statue! And they're not up in some fantastical faraway land now. [beings to walk into the mob of kids] They're in prison. Probably crying themselves to sleep, cold and lonely and... I'm sure missing you all very, very much. [Filmore and Jenny look at each other. Cartman gazes] Your birth-givers took care of you. That's what their laws and their rules were for, because they love you, and they didn't want you to end up living like... th-this! [motions to the statue of John Elway] He won't take care of you. Your parents... your... providers... will.\nKyle: Parents. Mom. Dad.\nButters: Oh boy, here it comes!\nMark: [moves through the crowd again] If you want things to be the way they were in the before time, in the long, long ago, you all need to call the police and tell them you lied about them M word. [stands next to Linda]\nStan: He's right, dude. Things were a lot better with our parents around.\nKyle: Yeah. I guess their rules did have a point. Things have gotten a lot worse in the ten days since they've been gone.\nMark: Ten days?? It's only been ten days since they left??\nCartman: Take him down. [Tweek and the other three unchain Butters]\nButters: Hey, uh, what are you doin'?? Ha-I'm ready to give myself to Mr. Elway.\nKyle: Here's our cell phone, dude. [hands it to Mark] Will you call the police for us? [Mark begins dialing]\nLinda: Hey. Looks like you're not so bad with kids after all.\nMark: Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we should have some.\nLinda: Yeah, right. After all this, I'm getting my tubes ties tomorrow! [turns around and starts walking away. Mark is surprised]\nScene Description: South Park, day, neighborhood street. The town has been cleaned up. The kids stand in front of a house waiting for a bus to roll up. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Craig hold a banner among them which reads, red letters on yellow background, \"Welcome Home, PARENTS!\" Butters walks up\nStan: Come on, you guys! Our parents are gonna be back any minute!\nKyle: Do you think they're gonna pissed at us for lying that they molested us and sending them all to jail for ten days?\nStan: Well, they can't be too pissed off. I mean, we made them a banner.\nLinda: [shows up with Mark] Hey, kids.\nStan: Hey, you guys came back!\nKyle: Did you make it to your job interview?\nMark: Yeah. I got the job. You're looking at the new manager of Denny's in Breckenridge.\nLinda: And I got my tubes tied.\nKids: Alright!\nKyle: Well, thanks for everything, you guys. You really helped us see how important parents are.\nKids: Yeah.\nButters: Hey! Here they come! [the sound of a bus is heard. It pulls up and the parents pour out, beginning with the Broflovskis]\nKyle: Mom! Dad!\nSheila: Kids! [all the parents rush to their kids and hug them]\nParents: ...Come here, come here.\nSheila: [holds Ike] Oh, Kyle. Ike, sweetie, you're OK. [Gerald hold Kyle]\nKyle: Yeah. We're fine.\nGerald: Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible sexual abuse over the years. But we're all better now.\nKyle: But you didn't do anything to me.\nGerald: Hup, we did. We've come to terms with it through therapy and learned to admit it.\nSheila: It won't happen again. [She and Gerald turn and walk off with Ike.]\nKyle: [lags] But, you guys, I-\nSharon: [she and Randy hold Stan] Oh, Stanley, I wish we could take back all the years of abuse, but we can't.\nLiane: [genuflects next to Cartman] We've learned to overcome it, son. You'll see.\nStephen Stotch: We love you, son, but we only love you in a platonic way from now on.\nButters: Oo-what the heck are you talkin' about?\nCarol: [walks with Stuart] Kenny? Kenny, we're sorry. Where is he?\nJenny's Mother: [she and the father hold Jenny] Everything's gonna be alright now, Jenny. [Jenny's father lets go] Come on, let's go home. [the families begin to disperse. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stay behind.]\nStan: Huh.\nKyle: Huh.\nMark: [walks up with Linda] Well, what are you kids gonna do now?\nStan: I dunno. [to Kyle and Cartman] You guys wanna build a snow igloo?\nKyle: Sure. [the boys turn left and start walking]\nCartman: Snow igloos kick ass. [Mark and Linda stare as if the events of the last ten days didn't leave an impression on the boys]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits in his pajamas underneath a window and next to a night stand and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and holding a small flag which reads: WELCOME MR. HANKEY. Ike walks in and towards the food\nKyle: He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.\nIke: [pulls himself onto the seat and looks in] Oooh nooo, poopies.\nKyle: Heee might not come if you're too close to the toilet bowl, Ike. [lifts him off the seat and takes him back to the night stand] Come sit by me. [they sit down and face the toilet bowl, and wait. Nothing happens.]\nSheila: [at the door with Gerald] It's getting late, boys. Why don't you come on up to bed.\nKyle: Just let us stay up a little longer, mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He always does.\nSheila: Alright, bubbe. [leaves with Gerald, but returns] Oh, and boys? Happy Chanukah.\nKyle: Happy Chanukah, Mom. [returns his sight to the toilet bowl and waits...]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night, bathroom. \"Silent Night\" plays\nIke: [Waves the flag around] Ayaaa ta. [Kyle is getting drowsy] Weee Weee... [soon, Ike is asleep on Kyle's shoulder as Kyle drifts into sleep, but checks on the plate once in a while. An ant is now on the toilet seat inching its way to the cookies. Kyle watches drowsily until the ant touches the cookies...]\nKyle: Go away!\nScene Description: The ant scurries away. At length, the candle burns down to the plate and goes out. Kyle and Ike are both asleep. Sheila and Gerald look in once again and find the boys asleep. Sheila picks up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them to their respective rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He opens and blinks his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed and into the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor to the left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face. It's the ant he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make a phone call.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night, bathroom. \"Silent Night\" continues\nStan: [picks up the phone] A-ah huh.\nKyle: [barks. Music stops] Stan! Go get the other guys and tell them to meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes!\nStan: Ho-o-oh.\nScene Description: South Park, night, bus stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow bar, is waiting as the others arrive. Kenny arrives in coat, hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas, cap and coat, and Stan fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of hair is seen\nKyle: Okay, good. You're all here.\nStan: What is this all about, Kyle?\nKyle: It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up yet.\nCartman: Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to bed. [turns aside and walks off]\nKyle: It's only three days until Christmas, you guys! You know how bad things have been around here. I think it might be because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.\nCartman: Kyle, I have a full day of watching TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?\nKyle: If you guys want there to be a Christmas, you'd better come help me!\nScene Description: South Park, night, city streets. Snow is still falling, but a manhole cover has been lifted and set aside. Down below, in the sewer, the boys walk in the muck looking for Mr. Hankey's home\nCartman: Heh-tchoo!\nKyle: [turns and glares at Cartman] Dude, you sneezed on my back!\nCartman: Oh, sorry, you might get some germs while you're walking around in human feces!\nKyle: Hey, look. [before them is a small cottage in a collection basin. They walk to the end of the sewer line] Hello?\nMr. Hankey: Hoowwddyy ho! [behind him is a little cottage all glittered in light]\nKyle: ...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried! I was waiting up for you and you didn't come, so I thought that-\nMr. Hankey: Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.\nKyle: But where have you been? Things aren't the same without you. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.\nMr. Hankey: I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully busy with my family. [calls into the house] Honey!\nCartman: Family?\nMr. Hankey: Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.\nAutumn: Howdy-hey kids! [waves in the same way Mr. Hankey does, holds a martini in her left hand] Would you like a drink?\nMr. Hankey: They're too young to drink, honey.\nAutumn: Hey haa, it's Christmas!\nMr. Hankey: Come. You have to meet the little nuggets, too. Kids! [they come one one by one] This is our son, Cornwallis.\nCornwallis: [wearing glasses, a scarf and little blue beret] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]\nMr. Hankey: Our daughter Amber.\nAmber: [in pink dress and maroon bow] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]\nMr. Hankey: And our son, Simon.\nSimon: Eee, hey! Hnhn.\nMr. Hankey: [aside] Simon's not so smart. He was born with a peanut in his head.\nSiimon: Heh What? Dad? Huh?\nMr. Hankey: Nothin', Simon.\nKyle: A family! So THAT's why you haven't been able to spread Christmas cheer.\nMr. Hankey: It sure has been tough. Nobody seems that into Christmas out there.\nStan: I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore.\nCartman: My moms barely bought me any presents so far.\nMr. Hankey: Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas cheer! [the nuggets grin] And if you want, you can help them.\nKyle: Sure we'll help! [Stan grins]\nCartman: Anything for more presents!\nAutumn: \"Hic\" Weh-hell, it's a Christmas party! Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes?\nMr. Hankey: Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?\nAutumn: But it's a Christmas party!\nMr. Hankey: Honey, can we go inside for a second? [they enter the little house and start arguing. The boys look on in shock while the nuggets keep their smiles. Abruptly the arguing stops and the two adult poos step out again] Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow we're gonna bring back the spirit of Christmas!\nScene Description: South Park, day, city streets. The boys and the nuggets stand on the sidewalk in front of Tele's and the toy store humming \"Good King Wencelas\" The nuggets soon hum their own tunes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits that suggest they are reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa\nCartman: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys! Only three shopping days until- [a couple walks past] God-damnit! [a man walks past in the other direction] Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole! [a woman walks by]\nStan: Nobody's paying any attention. [Amber clears her throat as a foot comes down over Simon, and the foot pulls away]\nWoman: Ew, I almost stepped in it.\nTele's Owner: [exits and locks his door] Well, it was a good effort, boys. But I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's buyin' anything an' I can't afford to keep this furnace runnin'! [starts to leave, but notices the nuggets] Oh. And, boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk there. Watch out. [the nuggets look downcast. Red Harris leaves the toy store.]\nRed: [locks the door] Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's content to celebrate with candles and love. [starts sobbing, then walks away]\nStan: [emotionally] This is hopeless. We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.\nScene Description: A special report. Behind the anchor is a \"No Christmas Trees\" sign\nNews Anchor: And in other news tonight it appears that everyone is officially SICK OF CHRISTMAS! [a chart appears] In an SPC poll, 38% said they were fed up and tired of the holiday, 5% said they were indifferent to it, and a whopping 57% they would quick Bon Jovi square in the balls if given the opportunity. [the field poll follows]\nMs. Choksondik: Well, I think people are just fed up with the crowded shopping and the credit-card bills, uh. [the boys sit on Cartman's sofa watching the news] I, I think that the holiday just has become a joke.\nMan: [with a son who waves at the camera] You know, it's just that a lot of people don't really believe in the whole Jesus thing anymore, you know? So what's to celebrate?\nMan 2: Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right square in the balls.\nNews Anchor: Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from South Park, but at least our faith in each other remains strong.\nAssistant: [whispers into the anchor's ear] In South Park.\nNews Anchor: Oh really?\nScene Description: South Park, Cartman's house, day. The report is over\nStan: Dude, change the channel. This is too depressing. [Cartman clicks the remote, and \"A Charlie Brown Christmas\" pops up. Charlie, Lucy, and Snoopy are on screen]\nCharlie Brown: Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree for our play.\nCartman: Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.\nStan: How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?\nCharlie: [as other kids dance around him] Alright, everyone, we've got to get on with our play!\nKyle: Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin' is dancing around!\nCartman: Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act.\nStan: [affecting a Peanuts accent] And why is it that on Charlie Brown cartoons, everyone talks like this.\nCartman: My mom could make a better Christmas special than this!\nKyle: Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally it! [drops down from the sofa and walks to the TV] It's so simple!\nStan: What, dude?\nKyle: [turns and faces the other boys] We can get everyone back into the Christmas spirit by making our very own animated Christmas special, and showing it to everybody in town! [Charlie and Linus talk onscreen]\nStan: We don't know anything about animation.\nKyle: How hard can it be? Look at it. [Snoopy and Charlie walk in the woods]\nCartman: Hey yeah! We can make a little animated Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star us instead of these little round-headed guys!\nKenny: (Yeah, right! Awesome!)\nStan: Yeah! And we can call it... \"The Spirit of Christmas\" [onscreen, Snoopy is pummeling a naked Charlie Brown hard across the face with a 2-by-4]\nScene Description: South Park, The Mayor's office, day. The report is over\nMayor: [worried] Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our whole town's economy is going right in the toilet! We've got to get everybody back in the Christmas spirit!\nAide 2: Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you.\nMayor: Meugh. Send them in.\nKyle: [as the boys enter]Mayor! We have the solution to your problem.\nMayor: You do?\nKyle: We're gonna make a short animated Christmas card that everyone can watch and play it on the screen at the old drive-in.\nStan: It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa. And when people see it, they'll just HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need is three hundred dollars for our budget.\nMayor: [falsely enthusiastic] An animated Christmas card. Kids, that just may be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!\nThe Boys: Awww.\nMayor: But at this point I'm willing to try anything. Johnson, cut them a check for three hundred dollars.\nThe Boys: Alright!\nKyle: [to the other three] You guys go tell Butters to start making the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr. Hankey the good news!\nScene Description: The Hankey home, day, exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in a heated argument inside. The argument is incomprehensible for a while, until a voice stands out.\nMr. Hankey: Now you put that vase down! Put that vase down! That's a very expensive vase! [now warning] Don't you throw that vase! [the vase is thrown and breaks.]\nKyle: [now facing the house from the sewer] Ah, Mr. Hankey?\nMr. Hankey: [exits the front door] Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!\nKyle: [excited] We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're gonna make our animated Christmas card.\nMr. Hankey: Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out] Christmas is back on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin' again.\nThe Nuggets: Okay!\nAutumn: That's not the only thing we gotta get workin' again, [pokes him] if you know what I mean...\nMr. Hankey: [concerned] Wha- why do you, why do you have to say things like that in front of people?\nKyle: Well, I've gotta go start our animation. We've only got two days. [turns and walks away...]\nMr. Hankey: Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that projector workin'! Don't you worry! [Cornwallis sniffs at himself]\nAmber: What's the matter, Cornwallis?\nScene Description: Butters' home, day. A gate is open by one side of the house. Inside, the four boys enter a room littered with cutouts\nKyle: Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've got.\nButters: [behind a desk] Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect too much with the budget you gave me.\nStan: [impatient] Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!\nButters: Well, alright. Here's a little paper construction of Santa Claus. [holds him up and moves him a bit] \"Ho ho ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you like some- t-hoys and stuff\" Hah, and uh, here's a little Jesus. [brings him forth] \"Hi there, Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and stuff.\" [Santa] \"Uh, ho o-kay. That's good, I suppose.\" Huh, and here's the cutout versions of you guys. [unfurls a large sheet which contains some mountains and spitting images of the four boys]\nThe boys: Whoa!\nCartman: [points] Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.\nStan: [retorts] That's not me, that's you!\nCartman: What?!\nKyle: They kind of look like us. [the poster is shown again] I mean, Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda look like us.\nCartman: I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT! [Butters sets the poster on the desk, face up]\nKyle: God job, Butters.\nButters: Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout version of me, too! Ih in case you need it for your animated film.\nStan: [grabs the poster] No, that's okay. [walks away]\nKyle: See ya! [grabs Santa, Cartman grabs Jesus, and they walk away with Kenny]\nButters: Uh-m, alright, alright then. [the door closes, and a few second later, he reaches into a top drawer and pulls out a Barbie cutout. In falsetto...] \"Oh, uh, hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?\" [moves the Butters cutout] \"Huh, Butters, ma'am.\" [moves the Barbie cutout while in falsetto] \"Well, Butters, would you like to slap my- titties around?\" [moves the Butters cutout closer] \"Whoa! Well, uhuh\" [a smile of fantasy flashes across his face] \"Uh, no thanks, ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again.\" [guiltily puts the cutout away.]\nScene Description: The Hankey home, day. Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table with thumb tacks for legs. There are two 5-book stacks on the table, a third stack on the floor behind him, and two books on the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey enters, and soon seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil as a curtain rod. A locket hangs over Cornwallis' bed, and it contains pictures of his parents\nMr. Hankey: Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-in.\nCornwallis: I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.\nMr. Hankey: [takes a seat at the table] Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The boys' animated movie will being back the spirit of Christmas.\nCornwallis: It's not that, father. Its... Well, I don't feel like I'm really a part of Christmas.\nMr. Hankey: But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!\nAutumn: [drunk as ever, appears at the door] Come on, it's time to sit around the tree!\nMr. Hankey: [serious] We're having a talk, honey.\nAutumn: God-damnit it's Christmas and we're gonna be a happy family around the tree!\nMr. Hankey: Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now, just go help the other kids; they can't get their stockings up.\nAutumn: That's not the only thing that can't get up around here. [rushes away]\nMr. Hankey: ...Now come on, son. Don't be so down.\nCornwallis: Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas isn't for us.\nMr. Hankey: Christmas is about feeling good. That's for everybody!\nCornwallis: I see the Nativity. There's angels, shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All the Christmas movies: Santa, elves, reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of it.\nMr. Hankey: No, you're not a part of it, Cornwallis. You're all of it. Don't you see?\nCornwallis: I'm nothing but crap!\nMr. Hankey: But crap is everything. [begins to sing] Everything that lives on earth poos in some way And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day [Takes Cornwallis out and up to the street] Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky [cows graze on the some exposed grass while large birds fly lazily above] It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why Grass it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men [A cow poops as it eats, then Butters' family is shown eating burgers at table] It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again [Mr. Hankey sings to Cornwallis, then Butters' father is shown straining on the toilet] And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the sea. [some poo descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows. A raw sewage outlet is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting] And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal. [plankton swarm the poo and devour it; a small fish eats the plankton] And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside [a bigger fish eats the small fish, but an even bigger one approaches] Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive [the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized one and swims up to the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear] By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand [the bear walks off with the fish in its mouth and poos as he leaves] So it can spring to life and become food for the land! [flowers and grass spring up through and around it. The camera pulls back to reveal an African savannah around the flowers, with all sorts of animals in it] It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe [soft backup vocals come on, lending the song an African feel. antelope run in the background as a giraffe appears and stops] It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass [The camera looks at Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock, first from the back, then from the front] The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end [more cattle are shown grazing and pooing] To make food for the humans and start all over again [a man scoops the poo into a small bag and walks off; Butters and family eat more burgers; his mom sits on the toilet] [back on Poo Rock, before which animals poo freely] You see, son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life.\nCornwallis: But how can I be that giraffe and blade of grass, and a human? I don't control what they do.\nMr. Hankey: [sits next to Cornwallis] Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it, so, too, your giraffes and your humans do what they do without you even thinkin' about it. But it is all one life form. It is all... [points to him] you.\nCornwallis: [smiles] I think I see now. I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground [steps forward]\nMr. Hankey: Becomes the grass of tomorrow\nCornwallis: Yeah\nMr. Hankey: Which the grazers turn around [An antelope stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the others]\nCornwallis: So I'm the leg of a leopard and the wings of a hen\nMr. Hankey, Cornwallis: Which becomes dinner for the human and turns back to poo again. [Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with the sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit] That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo! [Cut to black]\nScene Description: Stan's house, basement, day. He hands out scripts to the other three boys\nStan: Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't have an ending.\nKyle: No ending? Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded, so we'd better just record what we have and figure out the ending later. [they walk over to some microphones.]\nSound man: [instructing] Okay, talk directly in the mike and don't hit any hard p's.\nKyle: What's a hard p?\nCartman: You know, first thing in the morning when it just won't come out?\nKyle: Oh, yeah.\nSound man: Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and... [cues the boys by raising his hand]\nThe boys: We wish you a Merry Christmas\nSound man: Hold on.\nKyle: We wish- [the sound man presses a few buttons, and some white noise blasts through the boys' headphones]\nThe boys: [twisting in pain] AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!\nCartman: ...deh..OOOWW!!!\nSound man: Uh, [makes more changes to the sound settings] mmm. Okay, and? [cues the boys]\nBoys: We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas-\nStan: Hey! Wait a minute!\nKyle: What?\nStan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?\nKyle: Well, yes, I think so.\nStan: [calmly] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs. [Kyle cues the piano player, who begins playing]\nKyle: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, Dreidel dreidel dreidel-\nCartman: [grins] Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.\nKyle: [throws his headphones off and faces Cartman angrily] Don't you oppress me, fat boy.\nCartman: [throws his headphones off] Don't call me fat, buttfucker.\nKyle: Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!\nStan: You guys, knock it off! We have to record this! [the sound man begins to laugh heartily]\nSound man: [composes himself] Dude, that was awesome.\nStan: What's awesome?\nSound man: The script. It's sweet.\nStan: That's not in the script They do this all the time.\nSound man: Well, it should be in the script. All that \"you're fat\" and \"you're a Jew\" and stuff. It's great. [the boys look at each other]\nScene Description: South Park, Photo Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera, which is pointing straight down onto the poster Butters made for them. Two lights shine on the poster, and the cutouts are in place. Some other heads are at the top end of the poster\nKyle: Check it out, dude. The camera shoots one frame at a time. So, all we gotta do, is put the right mouth on, according to what syllable they're pronouncing at that frame.\nStan: Easy.\nKyle: Yeah. So what's the first syllable?\nStan: Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas\nKyle: Okay. So we put little \"woo\" mouths on all our heads. [sets the \"woo\" mouths in place] And then we shoot that for one frame.\nStan: Okay. [snaps the shot] One.\nKyle: That's one twenty-fourth of a second of our movie already shot! [exults]\nStan: Kickass!\nKyle: Now, the next mouth.\nStan: Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas. [both turn aside to look around]\nKyle: Okay, where are the E-mouths?\nStan: [softly] E mouths...\nScene Description: South Park, Photo Dojo, three hours later. The boys' eyelids are drooping and they're tired\nKyle: Okay. \"Woo\" mouths again?\nStan: [snap] 1 [snap] 2.\nKyle: So how much done is that?\nStan: \"We wish you a m- Merry\"\nKyle: [softly] Aw, [loudly] Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: South Park Drive-In, night. The boys' eyelids are drooping and they're tired\nMayor: [enters the drive-in with her aides] This kids better make a good Christmas movie, Johnson. If people in this town don't start shopping again, we're all gonna be out of jobs next year.\nJohnson: This... place is pretty run-down.\nMayor: It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew coming.\nMr. Hankey: [off-screen] Hoowwddy ho! [the Mayor and Johnson look around] Down here!\nJohnson: [jumps back] WAAGGH!\nMayor: [displeased] Oh. Mr. Hankey, it's you. How wonderful.\nMr. Hankey: My family and I are here to get the drive-in ready for the biig movie.\nAutumn: [drunk and still holding a martini, to Johnson] Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person. *hic* [Johnson looks disturbed] You wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes and run naked through this parkin' lot?\nMr. Hankey: [softly blocking] Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!\nAutumn: I didn't start it! He was looking at my breasts!\nMr. Hankey: They're not real, you know.\nAutumn: Don't you say that! [hugs him, but he pushes her off]\nMr. Hankey: Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're made of silicorn!\nJohnson: Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup. [leads the Mayor and the other aide away]\nMr. Hankey: Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure needs a lot of work.\nCornwallis: We can fix it up, Dad.\nAmber: Oh, look! A homeless person. [the man is seen sleeping on the ground covered in papers and cardboard] Oh. He looks sad, Papa. [hops over to him and leaves a poo smile on his lips] There. That's better.\nMr. Hankey: Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting to look Christmasy [the man continues to sleep...]\nScene Description: South Park, Photo Dojo, next day. The boys are back at the animatic further along in the project\nKyle: Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames. [Cartman sneezes and immediately realizes what he just did]\nStan: AAAAAAAA!\nKyle: Cartman!\nCartman: Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!\nStan: That took us half an hour to set up, fatass!\nCartman: Alright! You know what? I have been here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon, and we're never goin' to finish it anyways! [walks off and stops at the door] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!\nKyle: [rushing to the door] Fine! We'll do it with out you!\nStan: We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've already animated him in it!\nKyle: We'll dub his voice over.\nStan: Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got 20 seconds of animation done, and we still have Jesus' and Santa's voices to record, and we don't even have a third act. Dude, it would take a miracle to finish this thing!\nKyle: Now, don't go saying that. There's always hope. Miracles happen most every day. To people like you, and me. But don't expect a miracle. Unless you help make it to be. You hope, and I'll hurry. [takes the poster and rolls it up.] You pray, and I'll plan [The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it] We'll do what's necessary, 'cause [now in Stan's room, works on a Brian Boitano cutout] Even a miracle needs a hand! [walks up to the wall and adds a scene to Act II]\nKyle: You love-\nStan: We love\nKyle: -And I'll labor. [takes down the scene]\nStan: Tralala\nKyle: You sit- [puts it up again]\nStan: We sit.\nKyle: -And I'll stand. [a funny look appears on his face]\nStan: Tralalalala\n!Boys: Get help from our next-door neighbor, 'cause [Kenny begins to hum as the Hankey family is shown cleaning up the drive-in]\nBoys, Hankeys: Even a miracle needs a hand! [Autumn is passed out to one side of the film projector as Mr. Hankey cleans up]\nScene Description: Stan's house, basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without Cartman, so they stand wearing headphones and reading the script aloud\nKyle: You can do Cartman's voice, can't you?\nStan: \"Awgh! I'm so fat!\"\nKyle: Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.\nStan: [with tongue filling his mouth] \"Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so fat! Help me out over hmyah!\"\nKyle: Cool! Now let's try the script!\nSound Man: Rolling...\nStan: [Doing his and Cartman's parts] Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help? Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus!\nKyle: Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.\nStan: Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that kind of shit from a Jew! [both boys grin, and the sound man signals his approval with a thumbs-up]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room, day. Kyle and Stan resume singing as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box headed for Korea\nKyle: You wish-\nStan: We wish\nKyle: -And I'll whittle.\nStan: Tralalalala\nKyle: You sit- [closes the box and tosses it up]\nStan: We sit.\nKyle: -And I'll stand. [displays the box's destination and walks out with it]\nStan: Tralalalala\nKyle: [with Kenny humming] Let's all try to help a little, 'cause[A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on the short]\nScene Description: South Park, Potter's Art Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out with construction paper\nBoys: Even a miracle- [a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the driver honks, leaving Kenny flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder]\nStan: ...It's okay. We'll just have his character die in the film. [they resume singing and walk away]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room, day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large box has come for Stan and he's about to open it\nStan, Kyle: \nScene Description: South Park Drive-In, night. The drive-in is cleaned up now. The entire town shows up to see the short film. To the left, two klieg lights shine on a high platform on which stand the Mayor and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A decorated Christmas tree stands behind them. On close-up, though, Cartman is missing\nMayor: Citizens of South Park, the Colorado Film Commission is pleased to present to you a work by some of our very own South Park children. [the crowd erupts in applause]\nCartman: [enters victoriously] Thank you, thank you. [Stan and Kyle look at him annoyed]\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?! You quit!\nCartman: What are you talkin' about, \"quit\"? Huh! I don't remember that.\nMayor: We know that after you see this darling short film, [the crowd is shown] you will all feel the mighty glow of the Christmas spirit once again. Boys?\nKyle: Okay, Mr. Hankey!\nMr. Hankey: [in the booth] O-kay! [starts the projector. The opening screen of \"The Spirit of Christmas\" is shown as music plays.]\nScene Description: Scene: a snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away next to the town sign. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right\nKids: We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas-\nStan: Hey! Wait a minute!\nKyle: What?\nStan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah, I think so.\nStan: (voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!\nKyle: What?\nStan: You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!\nKyle: Dreidel dreidel dreidel-\nScene Description: the film snaps in two and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the boys' faces, then the Mayor's face. The film spools out of the reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound film in his hands\nSimon: Eehhhh, pretty! [the crowd begins to disperse and grumble]\nMan: Oh, that's Christmas for ya.\nMayor: Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties.\nMan 2: Boring.\nMan 3: I've gotta go.\nMan 4: Stupid.\nMr. Hankey: [as the boys enter the projection booth] It's completely destroyed! There's nothin' I can do!\nKyle: All that hard work.\nMayor: Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea you had there. Now everyone is more disenfranchised with Christmas than ever. We want our three hundred bucks back!\nKyle: But we spent it!\nMayor: Fine. Then we'll sue you. [leaves with the aides] Johnson? [the other aide stays behind]\nAide: I... used to believe in miracles. [leaves]\nKyle: All that work!\nStan: For nothing.\nMr. Hankey: Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.\nKyle: Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.\nCartman: I guess- we might as well- go home now. [the boys leave and Mr. Hankey wilts]\nScene Description: The Hankey home, night. Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him and joins him on the sofa\nMr. Hankey: It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's hopes up.\nCornwallis: But Dad, we can fix the projector.\nMr. Hankey: Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone' gone home. And I don't know nothin' about projectors. I'm just a stupid piece of crap.\nCornwallis: Dad, you taught me an important lesson: That crap is the cycle of everything.\nMr. Hankey: Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis! I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop your bitchin'\nCornwallis: No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because you showed me that I have the power and the strength to do anything I want. You made me believe in myself, Dad! Now I'm asking you to do the same.\nMr. Hankey: Son... [reflects for a moment] You're the smartest piece of crap since Albert Poodinger! Come on! [the two of them leave the house]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room, night. The immediate family is gathered\nSharon: Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley? No commercialism and shopping, just a nice fire and family.\nGrandpa: I wanna die. [sleigh music is heard and a light soon fills the air outside. All the Marshes look]\nScene Description: A view of the suburbs. Lights come on all over the neighborhood, and families begin to come out of their houses. one girl and her parents, another girl and her parents, a boy and girl and their parents, etc. The light everyone sees is the drive-in screen. The short has been repaired and is airing the scene where the boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up\nScene Description: On screen, Jesus floats down from the sky.\nKyle: What the-\nKenny: (Nooo!!) [tightens his hood]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The front door opens and Gerald and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle follows them out.\nKyle: They did it! They got it working! [closes the door behind him]\nScene Description: On screen.\nJesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!\nSanta: I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.\nJesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!\nSanta: Christmas is for giving!\nScene Description: A shot of the audience\nCrowd: Oh, wow!\nScene Description: The Hankey house. Amber and Simon stand outside\nAmber: Mom! They got it working!\nAutumn: [opens the front door and exits without closing it] What's that? They got your father's penis workin' again? [the three of them leave]\nScene Description: A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman smiling. On screen...\nKyle: ...We actually spoke-to the Brian Boitano.\nStan: Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing.\nCartman: Yeah, ham.\nStan: [angrily] No not ham!\nScene Description: The audience. The boys laugh\nCartman: Ey! Why the hell did you have me say that?!\nKyle: Heheh, we could make you say whatever we wanted.\nScene Description: On screen...\nStan: ...Christmas is about something much more important!\nKyle: What?\nStan: [voice softens] Presents.\nKyle: [softly] Ah.\nStan: Don't you see, Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: Presents.\nScene Description: The audience...\nVarious Folk: ...Presents.\nMan 5: My God, they're right!\nMr. Mackey: Christmas is about presents. If we all buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?\nRandy: That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism. Because it's what makes our country work!\nMayor: They're starting to understand, Johnson.\nMs. Choksondik: We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas, like love and family that... we almost forgot it's buying things that makes our economy thrive.\nMayor: [wearing a handlebar mustache, in falsetto] Hey, the shops are still open. We still have time to shop. [the crowd starts to clamor in agreement, and soon the shops around South Park turn their lights on. Red Harris opens his toy shop up, and the crowd fills the streets, first cheering, then chatting]\nKyle: You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought back the spirit of Christmas!\nMr. Hankey: No, you did it, boys!\nAutumn: Aw, hell, we all did it!\nMayor: Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How would you like to have your own show and make 100 more of them?\nStan: Are you kidding? I think we'd rather stab ourselves in the head.\nCartman: Yeah. Let's just go home and open our presents.\nKyle: [to Stan] Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.\nStan: Wow! Count me in!\nCartman: Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.\nBoys: [leaving with the Mayor] Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay Dreidel dreidel dreidel With dreidel I will play!\nScene Description: End of A Very Crappy Christmas. Rats rush in from all sides and nibble on Kenny's body."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Morning, bus stop. Stan and Kenny wait for the bus, and Kyle arrives.\nKyle: [joining the two other boys] Hey you guys! Look what I have!\nStan: What?\nKyle: Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!\nStan and Kenny: [pause] ...Oh.\nKyle: Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed to be really cool.\nStan: Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really cool.\nCartman: [off-screen, but rushes in] You guys!!! Hey you guys!!! Oh my God!! Oh my God, you guys!!\nKyle: What, doughboy?\nCartman: I was just- [looks stung, then flashes an angry look at Kyle] I was just watching the TV! They had this commercial.\nStan: So?\nCartman: So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show, Cop Drama.\nKyle: What?\nCartman: No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's never been said on television.\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: You'll never guess.\nStan: What?!\nCartman: Guess.\nKyle: Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on Cop Drama?\nCartman: You ready? [focus on Cartman] Tonight, on Cop Drama, on TV, they're gonna say, [looks both ways] \"Shit.\"\nKyle: [gasps] They're gonna say \"shit\" on television?\nStan: They can't say \"shit\" on television!\nCartman: It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude.\nStan: Holy fucking shit!\nScene Description: By this time a counter, with the number 2 appears, and it goes up whenever \"shit\" is said\nKenny: (Dude! We've gotta watch!)\nCartman: Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to my house to see it.\nKyle: Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion King on stage.\nCartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said \"shit\" on television!\nScene Description: Counter goes up a number, reading 3\nKyle: It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip?\nStan: Aw, come, on dude! This is history.\nKyle: It's stupid!\nCartman: Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter? You got some sand in your vagina?\nKyle: No, I don't have sand in my vagina! I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around talking about one dumb word being on TV!\nScene Description: Day, South Park Center for Seismic Activity, water cooler. Randy Marsh and three others shoot the breeze there\nRandy: Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news?\nSam: Yeah, they're gonna say \"shit\" on television.\nColleague 1: [balding man] Hey, we should all get together and watch it at the bar.\nColleague 2: [with light brown hair] Yeaaahhh!\nSam: Yeah.\nRandy: Yeah.\nColleague 2: Are you guys gonna let your kids watch?\nRandy: Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama is a very artsy, dramatic show.\nSam: And they're gonna say \"shit\"!\nScene Description: Day, sidewalk. Butters is tagging TELE's as Kyle walks up to him\nKyle: Hey, Butters! [Butters turns to see Kyle, and the tag is shown: \"Butters\"] I got tickets to go see Lion King tonight, and I decided to invite [points] YOU before anybody else.\nButters: Oh, sorry, I can't. [Kyle is disappointed] They're gonna say \"shit\" on Cop Drama, and my mom and dad say I have to watch it with them so that I don't take it the wrong way.\nKyle: How many ways are there to take it?! It's just a stupid word!\nMr. Garrison: [walks by] Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes! [people get in their cars and peel out of there, while those on the sidewalks quickly disperse. Only Kyle is left, bewildered]\nScene Description: Night, the town bar. Many of the town's men, including Randy and his coworkers, are inside watching \"Cop Drama.\" The officers in the show speak in hushed tones.\nCop: [voice-over] Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on the line every day. How dare you accuse me!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes.\nMitchell: I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to know where that evidence was shipped!\nJimbo: Oh, was that it? Was that it?!\nRandy: [annoyed] Shipped. He said \"shipped\".\nFrank: I told you, we don't have a record of that. And besides, -\nScene Description: Cut to Cartman's house, night. Cartman sits on the sofa with Stan, Kyle and Kenny, and he's eating from a box of Cheesy Poofs\nFrank: - your job is to protect the men who serve this force.\nCartman: Goddamn it! When are they gonna say \"shit\"?!\nStan: Sh!\nMitchell: Maybe... maybe protect them from you?\nScene Description: Cut to Chef's house, bedroom. He and Principal Victoria watch the show together in bed.\nFrank: Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to!\nMitchell: And maybe you're forgetting I used to be a cop, too!\nScene Description: Cut to the Broflovski house, living room. Sheila and Sharon are enjoying some popcorn as they view the show. Sheila is in the arnchair\nFrank: Yeah? You used to be a lot of things.\nSheila: Oh, he doesn't know that Mitchell slept with his wife, does he?\nScene Description: Cut to the old folks home.\nMitchell: That's it, I've had enough of this.\nFrank: Don't you turn your back on me, you!\nScene Description: Cut to New York's Times Square, in which a large crowd watches the show from behind a N.Y.P.D. police line\nMitchell: I said, enough!\nFrank: Is it?\nScene Description: Cut back to Cartman's house.\nFrank: Will it... ever be enough?\nAnnouncer: Cop Drama will return after these messages.\nStan: Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are they ever gonna say \"shit?\"\nCartman: I'm sure they're just holding it 'til the very last scene.\nStan and Kyle: Uh! [Kyle drops from the sofa and heads away]\nStan: Where are you going, Kyle?\nKyle: [stops and looks back] I'm going to the kitchen! This is stupid!\nStan: But you're gonna miss it! They're gonna say \"shit\" and you're gonna miss it!\nKyle: I don't really give a fuck! [turns and walks away]\nStan: Oh.\nScene Description: The bar, later.\nMitchell: Just understand that it's my job. I still think you're a good cop.\nFrank: Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta do what you're gonna do. Let's just try and stay friends no matter what.\nMitchell: You're right. Maybe I'll see you around.\nFrank: Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell? [voice lowers to a whisper] You've got some shit on the side of your mouth right there.\nMitchell: Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks.\nBar Patrons: Wow!!!\nScene Description: Cartman's house...\nThe Boys: Whoa!!!\nScene Description: Chef's bedroom...\nChef and Principal Victoria: Oh!!\nScene Description: The old folks home...\nOld Folks: Whoa!\nScene Description: Times Square... the crowd there cheers\nScene Description: The bar...\nJimbo: [awed] They did it!\nScene Description: Cartman's house...\nStan: I can't believe they actually said it. [Kyle returns with some food]\nCartman: Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome!\nKyle: Well! I hope it lived up to all the hype! You must feel so much better now!\nCartman: Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out of your vagina. It's making you cranky. Does it itch?\nKyle: Do you really think anything's gonna be any different now?! [moves from one end of the sofa to the other] Do you really think that this will have the tiniest, smallest effect on the world? [moves towards the front door] It's still the same old world out there. Look. [opens the door to find frogs raining down on the neighborhood. The other boys soon join him] What the hell?\nCartman: Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs.\nKyle: Oh, whatever. [steps back inside]\nScene Description: Channel 4 News\nAnchor Tom: Last night, the daring and bold show, Cop Drama [title screen pops up], broke new ground by saying \"Shit!\" on television, making \"shit\" officially okay to say around the country. [poll picture pops up, and is filled in as the announcer continues] A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans think the show has pushed the envelope too far, while a whopping 76% say they don't really give a shit. [A Medical Alert pops up] In other news, a strange virus which causes victims to vomit up their intestines is making life shitty for a small farming community. [a field reporter stands before an ambulance and a barn] Rick Watts has the story.\nRick Watts: Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going down here in the small town- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead]\nTom: Whoa, shit!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, children, in lieu of the common usage, I'm s'posed to clarify the school's position on the word, \"shit\".\nStan: Wow! We can say \"shit\" in school now?!\nKyle: This is ridiculous! Just because they say it on TV it's alright.\nMs. Choksondik: Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form.\nCartman: [quizzically] Huh?\nMs. Choksondik: You can only use it in the non-literal sense. For instance, [turns and writes on the board] \"That's a shitty picture of me.\" is now fine. Hoever, the literal noun form of [writes] \"This is a picture of shit.\" is still naughty. [crosses out the sentence]\nCartman: I don't get it.\nStan: Me neither.\nMs. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example: [writes] \"The weather outside is shitty.\" However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example: [writes] \"My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean it with a rag, which then also became shitty.\" [crosses it out] That's right out!\nTimmy: Sss...sss...[draws it out] shit. [grins]\nMs. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.\nButters: [raises his hand] Uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we say it in the expletive? Like, \"Oh, shit,\" or, \"shit on a shingle\"?\nMs. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.\nCartman: Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole new word!\nKyle: [angrily] It's not new!! I'm gonna look \"shit\" up in the encyclopedia and prove it!!\nCartman: Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.\nKyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!!\nMs. Choksondik: [pointing] Boys, watch your language! Shit!\nScene Description: Kindergarten, day\nMr. Garrison: And so, children, instead of saying \"Hand in your papers,\" I may now say, \"Hand in your shit.\" Any questions?\nFilmore: What about, \"I have to take a shit\"?\nMr. Garrison: No! No, Filmore! You can say \"I have to poop and shit,\" or \"Oh, shit, I have to poop,\" but not \"I have to shit.\" Are we all clear?\nKindergartners: No.\nMr. Garrison: Look, it's all about context. Well, for example, recently, I have come out and admitted that I was a homosexual. I'm gay. That means that now I can say the word, \"fag\". On television they usually don't allow \"fag\". But because I'm gay, it's alright. And with the new approval of the word, \"shit,\" that means that finally I am free to say, Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag, Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag, Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? [pleased] Oh this is great!\nScene Description: South Park, some days later. The town has taken to using the S word, with Shit-themed stores and products all over the place. People proudly sport the word on their shirts. An elderly couple walks out of Shit 'n Things and stop just outside the door\nElderly Woman: Why that store has such lovely shit.\nElderly Man: Yeah. [they walk forth] Too bad I don't have shit for cash right now. [camera pans to the right and shows Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey.]\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh, looks like the weather might turn shitty.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've done enough shit outside today and shit.\nMan: Shit, Peter, you look like shit.\nPeter: No, shit, I feel like shit. I think I-[begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead as people gather to see what's the matter]\nWoman 1: Holy shit!\nWoman 2: Did you see that shit? [Officer Barbrady arrives]\nBarbrady: What kind of shit is this?\nMan 1: That is some weird shit. [camera pans up into the sky. Voice-overs from here on]\nWoman 3: Susan, your shit's ready!\nMan 2: Do you know where this shit goes? [cut to a shot of the U.S. with Colorado highlighted. Smoke pours up from cities everywhere]\nMan 3: Shit if I know.\nWoman 4: Nice going, shit-for-brains.\nScene Description: a high mountain is shown\nMan 4: Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O\nMan 5: No shit!\nScene Description: seven knights are shown encased in ice. The smoke reaches them and thaws them out. Music swells. They step forth and walk to the edge of a cliff, looking out over all those towns and cities spewing forth the filthy word. They draw their swords and raise them high, and lightning strikes each of the swords\nScene Description: South Park, another day. Mr. Garrisn is walking down the street, singing.\nMr. Garrison: Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?Hey, there,-\nMan 6: [bumps into Garrison] Oh, shit, 'scuse me. [walks away]\nMr. Garrison: Hey, watch it, fag.\nMan 6: [stops and backs up] What did you call me?\nMr. Garrison: I called you a fag. Because I'm gay, and that means I'm free to use the word \"fag\". So piss off, you fag-shitter! [laughs and walks away]Heh, so hey there, shity shitty fag fagShitty shitty fag fag, ba doop a doop doo [walks past Stan and Cartman. Cartman is sucking on a Popsicle]\nStan: This sucks. Now that \"shit\"'s out, it isn't fun to say it anymore.\nCartman: Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of \"shit\". We're gonna have to start saying other bad words, like cock and fuck and... meecrob. [licks his Popsicle]\nStan: What's meecrob?\nCartman: You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Meecrob, dude, is way grosser than \"shit\", dude. I'd scarf down a whole wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of meecrob. [Kyle rushes in with Kenny behind him]\nKyle: You guys! You guys! I've looked up the word, \"shit\"! I think it might have something to do with people dying!\nStan: What?\nKyle: Haven't you noticed everyone getting sick? It all started when they said \"shit\" on television.\nCartman: [dismissive] Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob.\nKyle: I am not full of meecro- what? Look, the word \"shit\" first showed up in English in the 1340s, the same time as something called, \"The Black Death\".\nStan: What's that?\nCartman: Kyle, do you still have sand in your vagina about us not going to The Lion King with you?! I mean, shit, dude, let it go.\nKyle: Look! It might be a coincidence, but I think we'd better ask someone. Come on! [They walk past Shit Shack, and one of the knights steps out of the store as they leave. He sniffs a teal shirt with the word \"shit\" in his right hand.]\nScene Description: Hollywood, day, the HBC building. The network president talks to his staff in a boardroom. They're all smiling\nHBC President: ...Seventy-five share. My God, I never thought it was possible.\nDirector 1: [brown hair and tie] Sir, your \"shit\" idea has turned the entire network around. We're proud to work for you. [all clap]\nDirector 2: [a blond] Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: And, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let you have me if you wanted.\nHBC President: Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started. You see, I've already figured out our new marketing scheme technique for the next run of shows.\nDirector 3: Whoa!\nDirector 4: He's unstoppable!\nDirector 1: What's the new idea?\nDirector 3: I can hardly wait.\nDirector 5: I'm about to piss myself!\nHBC President: [dramatic. Music swells] This Saturday... on HBC... we're going to say... [music stops] \"shit\" ...twice.\nDirector 3: [pauses] Twice!\nDirector 4: Brilliant!\nDirector 6: Think of the repetition!\nDirector 3: It's like saying it once... but double!\nHBC President: Well gentlemen, let's get on it!\nAll: Ho! [they raise their arms up in salute]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Chef is singing away in the kitchen, serving up lunch for the kids.\nChef: Baby you are so fine, and shit!The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any day![the boys walk in] Oh, hello there, children.\nThe Boys: Hey Chef.\nKyle: Chef, do you know where \"shit\" comes from?\nChef: Uh, from your ass, children.\nKyle: [holds his left palm out] No no! The word, \"shit\".\nChef: Oh.\nCartman: [points to Kyle] Detective Sandy Vagina here [Kyle looks angrily at Cartman] thinks that \"shit\" might have something to do with everyone getting sick.\nKyle: Ungh, it said in my book that the word, \"shit\", started exactly the same time as something called, \"The Black Death\".\nChef: The Black Death? Are you sure?\nStan: What's the Black Death, Chef?\nChef: LaToya Jackson, children.\nThe Boys: Oh.\nChef: But I think back in those days it meant something else: the plague!\nScene Description: The Library, later. Chef reads from a large book on a large table on the ground floor. To his left sit Stan and Kenny, to his right Kyle and Cartman\nChef: It says here the word, \"shit\" has been around for over 600 years. It comes from the Anglo-Saxon word, \"skite\".\nKyle: Right. But in the 1340s people in England stopped calling it \"skite\" and started calling it \"shit.\" The same year as the Black Plague.\nLibrarian: [walks up with a cart of books] This is the oldest book in the library. [stops and holds up the book] A priceless original of England's history. Just about everything you could want to know about the plague is in this great tome. [blows the dust off the book, and the book disappears in the dust] Oh, shit. Well, this other book has some good information, too. [hands Chef the book and Chef cracks it open. Music starts]\nChef: The Black Plague. Over half of Europe was killed by it.\nStan: Look, they're puking out their intestines, just like the people here. [points]\nChef: Look at this, children. [the boys look closer] It says that the people in England believed that the plague was a curse, a dark magic infliction brought on by a mass utterance of a word of curse.\nStan: Word of curse?\nKyle: A... curse word.\nChef: Of course! I've never even thought about why we use the term \"curse word\" before.\nStan: Because it brings a curse? Like the Black Death.\nCartman: You guys, look here. [the others move over to see] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina.\nKyle: Cartman, this is serious!!!\nCartman: So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. [laughs]\nLibrarian: [returns] If you don't mind, I'll have to close up now. They're going to say \"shit\" seven times on HBC and I- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead]\nStan: Holy shit!\nCartman: Oh-Ho, gross!\nKyle: Dude, this plague is spreading like wildfire! [Kenny goes under the weather and coughs. The others look]\nStan: Uh oh.\nKenny: (Uh oh.)\nCartman: Kenny's got it. heh heh.\nKyle: We've gotta do something, Chef. If we don't we don't stop that network, [the lead knight looks into the library from the bushes] \"shit\" will become an even more acceptable word!\nChef: Children, we've got to warn those producers in Hollywood that the plague, and \"shit\", could be linked!\nScene Description: An airplane, day. Chef and the boys are headed for Hollywood\nCaptain: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out the right side of the aircraft you can see some interesting shit. [all look right, except Chef and Kenny] And over on the left side, there's some interesting shit, too. [all look left, except Chef and Kenny] Well, we should be arriving in Los Angeles in about two hours. Until then we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy our shitty service. [Kenny coughs at Cartman]\nCartman: [brushes himself off] Goddamn it, Kenny! Don't get your plague germs on me!\nKyle: Cartman, stop being an asshole! [camera pans left to the lead knight sitting between two men, reading from THE WORLD NEWS. The knight lowers the paper and looks over at the boys, then sips from his coffee cup]\nScene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.\nDirector 5: The ratings are in, sir. We broke another record last night with the show that said \"shit\" seven times! [applause]\nDirector 1: Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, I mean, how can we top ourselves now? [the president walks behind him en route to the head of the table, then sits down]\nHBC President: Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest marketing ploy of all time. [applause] Tonight, on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... LIVE. And have everyone say \"shit\" in place of their written lines. And we'll call it \"Must Shit TV\".\nDirector 1: Bravo!\nDirector 2: \"Night Of A Million Shits!\"\nHBC President: Now, doing this live will be difficult, so we must- [Chef and the boys burst through the doors]\nChef: Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!\nHBC President: Who are you?\nChef: My name is Chef, and these are the children! We've come to warn you about \"shit\".\nHBC President: [wearily] Oh brother, another Christian protest group.\nDirector 1: Who wants to take this one?\nDirector 2: I'll get it. [rises and walks over to the guests, with a box of complimentary gifts] Gentlemen, we appreciate your concern. [starts speaking quickly as he hands out beanie turtles, caps, American flags, and T-shirts. Kenny's eyes are bloodshot now] Here at HBC the general goal is providing the highest and most thought-provoking netertainment. How great it is that we live in a country where an artist can express himself freely. That's not only the American spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows us to make great family programs like Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's favorite show, Cop Drama. We can't thank you enough for bringing your concerns to our network, for it is you, the loyal HBC viewer, who makes this great network, and indeed, the great country that it is. [finishes his speech with some confetti, then returns to his chair]\nHBC President: Alright, now, as I was saying-\nChef: Hey! Hold on a minute!\nHBC President: Aw, are they still here?\nChef: Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going on?\nKyle: We think that you might have could it by helping make \"shit\" an everyday word. [the executives just stare back at him]\nDirector 4: Hm, right, right.\nKyle: It's true. We think that word might be plaguing our friend, Kenny.\nHBC President: Do you have any proof of this?\nKyle: ...No.\nHBC President: Then [rises] get out of here before we have you thrown out!\nCartman: But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right?\nScene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys exit the building.\nChef: [defiant] Damn cracker-ass producers!\nStan: Now what are we gonna do, Chef?\nChef: I don't know, children. I guess we've got to get the word out to people some other way.\nLead Knight: [arrives, and brandishes his sword] Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.\nStan: Oh shit!\nLead Knight: Stand aside! [the boys make way for him, and he rushes into the building]\nScene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.\nHBC President: Alright, now, we have to get all our biggest names to say \"shit\", and then we're gonna- [the knight bursts into the room]\nLead Knight: Halt your evil plans!\nExecutives: Huh?\nLead Knight: I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing! Who is in charge here? [all the directors point to the president]\nHBC President: Oh... [buries his face in his hands, believing his staff did something special for him] No, you guys didn't hire me a stripper for my birthday- oh, tell me you guys didn't.\nLead Knight: Show your true form, Geldon, lest you be afraid! Your short time in this world is at an end! [aims the Rune Stone at the president, but nothing happens. The directors just look at him.] Ach. The Rune Stone has no effect! You are not Geldon!\nHBC President: I never said I was.\nLead Knight: [wields his sword and rushes towards the president] You will die anyway, for you have spread the word of curse! [decapitates a director]\nHBC President: Security! [two officers come in with guns drawn and fire away at the knight]\nLead Knight: Ach! [the gunfire forces him out a window, and he falls to the ground five floors below] oh.\nScene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys approach the fallen knight.\nChef: Who are you?\nLead Knight: Take this. [reaches out, and gives Stan the stone.]\nStan: What are we supposed to do with it?\nLead Knight: Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [expires]\nKyle: Now what?\nChef: We've got to find people who would know what the hell this is all about. Children, we're goin' to have to go to the land of castles, knights, and kings!\nScene Description: Las Vegas, sunset, a view of the Strip, showing many of the attractions that can be found there.\nAnnouncer: [as Chef and the boys take a people-mover in] Lords and Ladies, we bid you welcome to the grandest casino in the land, Excalibur! [a shot of the casino inside, with craps table, one-armed bandits, etc.]\nBarker: Take a free spin. Double your odds. [Chef and the boys approach]\nChef: 'Scuse me. Do you work here?\nBarker: How can I help you, noble sir?\nKyle: We need some help identifying an ancient English stone.\nBarker: A what?\nStan: It might hold the key to a curse.\nBarker: Uh... I can help get you some credit or a comp meal, perhaps.\nStan: Dude, we need help from the British!\nBarker: Look kid, This is just a casino. I can't help you. You know, not every British person knows about wizards [begins chuckling] and dragons and curses.\nChef: We just need help identifying this. [holds up the stone]\nBarker: [suddenly concerned, with hushed tones] The Rune Stome of Gaelic! Where did you get this?\nStan: You know what it is?\nBarker: The Skire once spoke of such a stone! Come, we must see the sorcerer! [leads Chef and the boys off]\nScene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men are gathered there once again\nAnnouncer: Get ready for \"Must Shit TV\"! Starting now, four straight hours of pure shit! It's all live!\nScene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. Drew and Mimi are onstage, with Drew sitting at his desk\nDrew: Hey! Heh, shit! Heh. [studio audience laughs] Ya ain't shit.\nMimi: Yeah. Dude, ya ain't shit! [more laughs]\nHBC President: This is it. My greatest work.\nScene Description: Excalibur, inside. The barker leads Chef and the boys down a hall and run into a waitress dressed as a damsel\nWaitress: Cocktails. Cocktails.\nBarker: These Americans wish to see the Skire!\nWaitress: Let us make haste to the inner sanctum!\nScene Description: Excalibur, the hallway to the Inner Sanctum. The barker and waitress lead Chef and the boys through\nBarker: How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by mass-chanting the word of wretchedness?!\nChef: Uh, yeah. We didn't mean to.\nBarker: Didn't you realize \"shit\" is a curse word?!\nStan: Well, yeah, but I don't think that we knew \"curse word\" meant... curse word.\nBarker: Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that \"no\" means yes, \"pissed\" means angry, and \"curse word\" means something other than a word that's cursed!!\nScene Description: The Inner Sanctum. The group enters and walks towards the sorcerer\nSorcerer: Let me see the stone. [takes it and walks off to his right]\nChef: But I don't get it. People use curse words all the time.\nBarker: Saying a word of curse once in a while does nothing. It's only when spoken repeatedly and en masse that the curse takes place.\nSorcerer: [now seated at a table with a book of runes open] I've seen this before. Stones that were used by the Knights of Standards and Practices.\nChef: Knights of Standards and Practices?\nSorcerer: A legion of men sworn to do whatever necessary to keep the words at bay. But... they were just a myth.\nScene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show\nMimi: You know what? You're dumb as shit!\nDrew: Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give a shit!\nRandy: Ya know, that word's kind of getting old. It's not really... funny anymore.\nMan 7: Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word soon.\nMr. Garrison: Well, they can't use \"fag\". Because you can't say \"fag\" unless you're a homosexual.\nRandy: Really? So we can't say ***?\nMr. Garrison: No. See, you got beeped.\nMan 7: You mean you have to be a *** to say ***?\nMr. Garrison: That's right.\nJimbo: Well, that's not fair! I should be able to say \"fag\". [realizes he wasn't beeped]\nRandy: ...Hey, you didn't get beeped.\nJimbo: Uh oh.\nMr. Garrison: Well, well, well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?\nDrew: [shown] Oh, man, I am up shit creek.\nScene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The door to stage C opens and in gallop the knights with swords drawn\nMimi: Serves you right, shit-for-brains!\nDrew: Yeah, how could I be such a dumb sh-\nLead Knight: Say not the word of curse! [throws his sword at Drew. The sword enters through Drew's mouth and out the left side of his head. The handle forces him off his chair and onto a cubicle wall]\nHBC President: What the?\nMimi: [rushing in] Holy shit! [another knight chops Mimi's head off from behind]\nScene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show\nMr. Garrison: Oh boy, this show is really reaching for plot now!\nScene Description: Excalibur, the Inner Sanctum. The Sorcerer continues with the mythology of the knights.\nSorcerer: The knights were formed to keep curse words to a minimum. Should a curse word ever be let out, they would return. A rune for each word of curse was made, representing each of the eight words that so offended God...\nStan: Look, there's the F-word.\nKyle: And asshole.\nCartman: I knew it! Meecrob! [the word is shown in close-up] Meecrob is a curse word! God must hate it as much as I do!\nSorcerer: Look at this: The writing here claims this stone can defeat the evil Geldon [the page he reads from show a dragon], who will rise when the word of curse has been said enough times to give him power. Then all the world will be destroyed.\nStan: All the world destroyed?\nCartman: My house, too?\nChef: Oh no!\nSorcerer: What?\nChef: Tonight is the \"Night of a Million Shits\" on HBC! It's gonna be said over and over!\nSorcerer: Then we haven't much time. We must go!\nScene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The blond knight approaches the cameraman\nBlond Knight: Turn off those devices of broadcast!\nHBC President: What is going on here?! Stop this shit!\nBlond Knight: We are the Royal Order of Standards and Practices! [a bald knight joins him]\nBald Knight: We command you to stop saying the curse word!\nHBC President: Listen, Mr. Shinypants, I am the head of this network, and I will say \"shit\" all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, [gasp. A rumble is heard], shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! [stops. The rumble gets very loud and the ground begins to heave, as if an earthquake is occuring. The ground splits open and the Geldon rises from it. The audience screams as the Geldon breathes real fire out at them.]Oh, shit!\nScene Description: South Park, bar, night. The TV screen is show, with the HBC logo.\nAnnouncer: And now, back to Must Shit TV, here on HBC.\nScene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues - the knights fight the geldon valiantly.\nLead Knight: He is too strong! We cannot fight him without the rune stone!\nDirector 1: My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed upon the world?!\nHBC President: I didn't know. [begins to weep into his hands] I didn't know!!!\nScene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men watch in increasing disbelief\nRandy: I, I can't follow this shitty storyline at all.\nScene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues, but Chef and the boys arrive\nKyle: Wait! [the Geldon lets loose another blast of fire]\nCartman: [as the Geldon sets more fires] Oh boy, that thing has really got sand in it's vagina! [one knight's horse's tail is on fire.]\nLead Knight: The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon! [Kyle does as ordered, and a flash of light emanates from the rune stone, stunning the Geldon]\nGeldon: Agh. Dude, lame. Lame! [the ground opens up again and the Geldon drops down into the hole] Bummer, dudes. [the ground closes up again]\nCartman: What a stupid voice.\nKyle: It's okay. The curse has been lifted. [the audience falls silent. Kyle and Stan are on stage.]\nStan: Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't come back.\nKyle: You see, we've learned something today. Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems.\nScene Description: Cut to Kyle's home, where he's on TV\nKyle: We're all saying the S-word too much! [Ike hops in]\nIke: Kyle.\nSheila: [on the sofa with Gerald] Look, Gerald. Kyle's on television! [she's sewing as he reads the paper]\nGerald: [doesn't look up] Uh huh.\nScene Description: Cut to the old folks' home\nKyle: The knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. \"Curse words\" They're called that because they are a curse. We have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances.\nStan: And besides, too much use of a dirty word takes away from its... impact. We believe in free speech and all that, but... keeping a few words taboo just adds to the fun of English.\nCartman: [camera cuts to him] So please, everyone, From now on you've got to try and watch your language. [murmurs and a smattering of applause come from the audience.]\nScene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men think over the boys' message\nThe men: [one by one] Yeah.\nRandy: That makes sense.\nColleague 1: Ain't that right?\nMr. Garrison: Is this still part of the show?\nScene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The place is calm now.\nHBC President: We're sorry, noble knights of Standards and Practices. [the knights and the executives approach each other] From now on, we will obey your laws.\nBlond Knight: See that you do!\nChef: I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to.\nStan: Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!\nKenny: (Yeah, I didn't- [he kneels over, his intestines pouring out over the sound stage]\nStan: Holy shi- [quickly taps his mouth with his hands and releases] poop.\nCartman: Hah, I love you guys."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South park, night. Randy is driving the boys, including Timmy on the truck bed, through the town. Stuart is with them, but Kyle is not. The boys are in Scout gear.\nRandy: Well, you boys must be pretty excited: Your first night of Scouts.\nStan: It's gonna suck. There's gonna be like, new kids there we don't know.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nStuart: Well, now, that's part of the fun.\nRandy: Yeah. Both Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.\nStan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [all but Cartman laugh]\nCartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!\nStan: [calling to the back] Are you excited for your first night of Scouts, Timmy??\nTimmy: Hyeah Timmay!\nCartman: Yeah, he's excited.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, night, outside shot, then inside shot. The doors open and the group walks in. A shot of the many kids inside, then back to the doors. Butters walks up.\nButters: Hey, fellas!\nCartman: [flatly] Hey, Butters.\nButters: Boy, am I glad to see you guys! There's lots of kids here from other schools, and I don't know anybody.\nRandy: Alright, boys, we're gonna head to the bar. We'll be back to pick you up at nine.\nStuart: You boys just make sure to obey the scout leader now. He's the man in charge.\nBig Gay Al: [suddenly steps in] Hello scouts!\nStan: Hey, it's Big Gay Al!\nBig Gay Al: Hello, Stanley. I was happy to see you and your little friends' names on the list!\nTimmy: Timmay!\nRandy: You're the new scout leader?\nBig Gay Al: [walks around the boys and stops behind the dads, hugging them] I just got transferred in. [lets go of the dads and moves further into the room] I think everyone's here now, so we can get started. [stops] Come on, Scouts. We've got work to do! [moves again]\nBoys: Hooray! [they start moving, too]\nStan: See ya, Dad!\nScene Description: Community Center gymnasium. Three tables are set for the scouts to sit at. Big Gay Al walks up to his chair at the center table. Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Timmy find empty spots on the outside of the table to the left. A small banner hangs from the center table: TROOP 69\nBig Gay Al: Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night? This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses. [Randy and Stuart look on a bit longer, then turn around and walk out. Close-up on the table reveals four older scouts, two on either side of Big Gay Al] Now, before we get started, scouts, I want to introduce you to someone very special here tonight. He's a brave little boy with disabilities who proves just by being here that Scouts are for everyone!\nTimmy: [happily] Timmay!\nBig Gay Al: So let's all give a big round of applause to little... Jimmy! [points to his right. Jimmy walks up using his crutches.]\nJimmy Valmer: Well hello everyone. [applause]\nTimmy: Ji- Jimmay?\nScene Description: The bar, nearby. There's some argument going on inside\nStuart: Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person, I just don't think he should be a scout leader!\nRandy: He got to where he is by being a good scout; maybe we should just leave him alone.\nStephen: Well how gay is he?\nStuart: He's really, really gay.\nToken's father: Well then, I don't want my boy there, either. [more argument ensues]\nRandy: So he's a homosexual. So what?\nStuart: I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy, but the big camping trip is next week! Are you sayin' you're fine with this guy campin' overnight, alone, with our boys??\nSkeeter: You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they could end up all talk and all fem' and prancin' around like girls. [more argument]\nRandy: Aw, that's ridiculous.\nPriest Maxi: [walks in] People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice! As many of you know, I, myself, went through a... homosexual... phase. But the light of Christ showed me how to change. Just give me two hours with this man, and I can convert him back.\nMan: [voice only] That's what you said about Peterson, and then you ended up having sex with him!\nMan 2: [voice only] That's right.\nMan 3: [voice only] You did.\nScene Description: Community Center gymnasium. The Scouts are well into their first activities\nBig Gay Al: And so that's how to make banana-nut muffins. And now, as a very special treat, our very special friend Jimmy is going to do what he loves most: Motivational standup comedy. [Jimmy walks into view] Let's give him a big hand. [applause]\nJimmy: Wow, what a great audience. [applause dies down] Well, just in case you were wondering, I do have a disability. I am totally happy with the way I was born, very much. I travel to different states and talk to kids about being proud of what they are. My mom says that God has a p-plan for everyone. I guess I was plan B. [the other kids laugh] You guys like im- personations? [applause]\nTimmy: [displeased] Timmy.\nJimmy: How about Jimmy Stewart? \"Merry Christmas, movie house.\" And John Travolta. \"Oh my God, Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter, oh, oh my God, Mr. Kotter!\"\nStan: Jimmy's funny, dude.\nButters: Yeah, well, he's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world!\nTimmy: [gets angry and crosses his arms] Hmph! [the doors open and in walk Randy and Stuart]\nStuart: Uh, Kenny, it's nine o'clock.\nRandy: Come on, Stanley.\nBig Gay Al: Oops, guess we're out of time, kids. Now remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales in your respective neighborhoods to raise money. We'll meet back here next Tuesday, and see who raised the most. Good luck.\nStan: Hey, I have a great idea! Why don't we see if Jimmy wants to come be in our Scout club?\nCartman: Hey, yeah!\nTimmy: [brushing off the idea] Timmuh Timmy Timmy Timmy. [camera pulls back to show Jimmy walking up]\nStan: Hey Jimmy, do you wanna join our bake sale in South Park tomorrow?\nJimmy: Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks, fellas.\nRandy: [the other scouts leave] Come on, Stan.\nStan: Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time.\nKenny: (Yeah, see ya.)\nStan, Cartman: Bye, Jimmy.\nJimmy: See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.\nScene Description: Randy's truck, night. Randy is taking the boys home.\nStan: You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nStan: We told ghost stories, a-and learned how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!\nCartman: Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale.\nStan: And best of all, we met this kid named Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't let it ruin his life! He's awesome!\nTimmy: [outside, visibly upset] Yahahah!!!\nCartman: Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money in our bake sale.\nStan: Cartman, don't say \"use him\", you big silly goose. [Randy bears down on the brakes, causing Timmy to roll backwards and into the back window]\nTimmy: Ah.\nRandy: [to Stan] What did you say?!\nStan: [a bit softly, eyes fixed on his fater] I just... called Cartman a name- he's a, he's a silly goose.\nStuart: Uh huh!\nRandy: You do not say \"Big silly goose\"! You call him an asshole like a normal kid!\nStan: Dad, I was just tryin' tuh-\nRandy: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!\nStan: [glances at Cartman] ...Asshole. [looks at Randy again]\nRandy: That's better.\nCartman: Don't call me an asshole, you som' bitch.\nScene Description: South Park, next day, Camera pulls back to show a booth next to a stage. On the booth is a banner: \"Mountain Scout Bake Sale,\" and Timmy, Kenny, Cartman, and Butters are manning the booth. Items for sale: cookies, cakes, and donuts. Butters mans the collection box. People walk by this way and that. On stage, Stan prepares to speak.\nStan: Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale to raise money for scout troop number six nine. Uh, please stop by and give us a hand. And now, for your entertainment, our new best friend, stand-up comic Jimmy! [Jimmy walks up on crutches to the mic and begins]\nJimmy: Wow, what a great audience. I just flew into South Park. Boy, are my crutches tired! [male laughter] What a terrific audience. You know, sometimes people ask me, \"Are you angry at God for making disabled people?\" I say, \"No, I think the world is better with puh-President Bush.\" [laughter]\nSharon: [heartfelt] What a brave little boy.\nSheila: He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap! I love him! [Timmy, upset, sighs and crosses his arms]\nJimmy: Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting people here in South Park. [more people gather] H-how about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? \"Goddamnit! God-. No, Kitty, that's my pot pie! Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!\" [more laughter]\nCartman: Hehe, I don't sound like that.\nJimmy: And how about that school counselor? \"Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad.\" [Mackey happily nudges a man to his right] \"Uh. Drugs are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs are bad, okay? Okay?\" [Timmy is stewing in his anger] Wow, what a great audience. \"Mr. Hat. Be quiet, Mr. Hat. Mr.-\" [Garrison grins] \"Hello there, children. Mr. Hat. Hello- Mr. Hat\" [more laughter] \"I'm making Salisbury steak for lunch.\" [Chef looks flattered] \"Salisbury steak for lunch.\" Eh. Uh. \"Goddamnit, Goddamnit!\" [more, stronger laughter and applause] And of course, my very favorite, \"Timmy! Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, I'm living a lie! I'm living a lie, Timmy!\" [the laughter and applause get louder, and Timmy gets livid] \"Ti- Timmy, I'm living a lie. Heh, heh. Ah Timmy.\" Heh. Sometimes it's like, \"Please, Timmy, learn a new word,\" heh. \"Timmy! Tu-Timmy!\" [more laughter]\nTimmy: [angrily] Aaaaaaah! [Stan notices. Quickly, Timmy takes a cake half and throws it right at Jimmy, and it hits. Jimmy leans to his left, and stabilizes himself]\nJimmy: Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy, I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really take the cay. I really take the k-keh cake. [cheers and claps abound]\nMan: Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my\nTimmy: [wailing] Tiiimm-mmah!!!!!\nScene Description: State Mountain Scouts of America headquarters, day, outside shot. Inside, three men sit behind a table - a tribunal.\nHead Scoutmaster: Well, this is it. We've simply gotten too many complaints from concerned parents about him. I'm afraid we don't have a choice.\nBig Gay Al: [enters the room] Hi ya fellas! [waves his left arm quickly]\nHead Scoutmaster: How are you today, Scout?\nBig Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased to report that we have already raised over $600 for the event. Yippie!\nHead Scoutmaster: Uh, Big Gay Al, it's recently come to our attention that you are... gay.\nBig Gay Al: Well, stop the presses. Did you figure that out all by yourselves, silly buns?\nScoutmaster 1: Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the Scouts have a policy that openly gay men cannot belong.\nHead Scoutmaster: We are left with no options, Mr. Al. I'm afraid you are hereby... out of Scouts.\nBig Gay Al: [Softly. Somber music plays.] Out of... Scouts?\nHead Scoutmaster: We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al.\nBig Gay Al: But I've been in Scouts since I was nine - it's a... huge part of my life.\nScoutmaster 2: Uh, you must understand that Scouts is a private club. A club that follows certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral.\nBig Gay Al: I see...\nHead Scoutmaster: It's nothing against you personally\nBig Gay Al: What if I promise not to be gay anymore? [holds up a pinky] Pinky swear.\nScoutmaster 2: We think it's best you just... move on.\nBig Gay Al: [rejected] Right. Move on. [turns around, sighs, and walks out]\nScene Description: South Park streets, day. Timmy sits on the sidewalk as Jimmy ambles towards him.\nJimmy: Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called, very much. I've been detecting some a-animosity towards me lately, and I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.\nTimmy: [holding a gift] Timmih.\nJimmy: What's that?\nTimmy: Hur livin' a lah, Timmih. [presents the gift]\nJimmy: A present? You got me a p-present?\nTimmy: Timmih!\nJimmy: ...[takes the gift] Gee, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you've been jealous of my talent. [opens the present] If you work at it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable as I am, huh? [pulls out the contents] Wow, a parka. [an orange one] You-you didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.\nTimmy: [all smiles] Tim-Timmy.\nJimmy: Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits. [Timmy grins with anticipation as Jimmy dons the parka. Next shot is of Jimmy looking suspiciously like Kenny] This is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim. Well, I'll see you around. [turns around to walk away]\nTimmy: Timmih! [grins]\nScene Description: As Jimmy walks, suspense music comes up. Jimmy reaches the corner, and a safe falls from above and cracks the sidewalk behind him. He crosses the street, and a truck plows into an oncoming car and jackknifes, sending the car backwards through the air. Jimmy is untouched. An eagle tries to swoop him up, but misses. Jimbo and Ned appear atop a building across the street\nJimbo: There he is! Kill him! Kill him! [Ned fires three times] Oh, wait, that's not him. [the two men withdraw, and Jimmy keeps walking]\nScene Description: Some glass blows out from a window next to Jimmy, followed by a blast of fire, and Jimmy walks. He crosses the second street and a herd of cattle stampede past him. He continues down the road, and a space shuttle crashes into the sidewalk, nose first.\nJimmy: [calling back] Thanks again, Tim-Tim.\nTimmy: [thwarted] Tim-Timmay!\nScene Description: Big Gay Al's house, night. Quite colorful front lawn, with fountain, flowers, a flower strip down the middle of the driveway. Soft music plays. Inside, Al sits on his bed looking over framed photos of his Scouting career. Scout Troop 417 - 1988, Camp White Swallow - 1974, his Scout medals, a picture of a black man dressed as Superman. Al sighs and looks over at his Scout uniform. He walks over and takes it down, then walk to his dresser and puts the uniform away in one of its drawers\nBig Gay Al: Ah, bye, Scouts. [closes the drawer. The camera pans to show a man playing a piano] Okay, okay, Marc, stop playing now.\nMarc: Hey, don't yell at me! Ya asked me to come over and play sad songs for you to pack to, and then ya yell at me.\nBig Gay Al: [approaching] I'm sorry. Sorry. But now I've packed everything away, so just... well, play something uplifting, like... \"I'm gonna put all this behind me and make it okay\" music.\nMarc: [starts playing sprightly music] Ooooh, I don't want her. You can have her. She's too fat for me.\nBig Gay Al: Oh! [buries his face in his left hand] Jesus, Marc.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, night. A group of men stand outside. The head Scoutmaster exits the building with a big, beefy, decorated Scout leader\nHead Scoutmaster: Parents, this is the new Scout leader, Mr. Grazier. He will be taking over for the homosexual.\nRandy: Nice to meet you.\nMr. Grazier: Marsh, right? We actually kind of know each other. Your wife and mine are friends.\nStuart: Your wife, huh?\nHead Scoutmaster: Carol is the head of a girls' Mountain Scouts troop.\nRandy: [nudges Stuart, who then smiles] Well, I guess we're off to the bar until nine, then.\nMr. Grazier: Gonna go pound some brews, huh?\nScene Description: Inside, Jimmy entertains the troops with more of his comedy skit as the men talk outside\nJimmy: And so I said to him, \"Hey, I- I may be handicapped, bu-but I'm not... deaf.\" [the other scouts laugh] Wow, what a terrific audience. Well, for my next joke I'm gonna need a vo-volunteer from the audience, very much. How about you, Timmy?\nTimmy: [resisting] Timmay.\nJimmy: Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim. [the boys laugh, and Jimmy approaches] Timmy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's give him a hand, very much. Come to think of it, give him a pair of legs, too. [laughter. Timmy gets angry when Jimmy offers him a Dr. Seuss-like hat.] Here, Timmy, put on this silly hat. [Timmy throws the hat down. Jimmy picks it back up and offers it again.] Just for a second, Timmy. [Timmy throws the hat back at him, and he picks it up again] Don't be a jerk, Timmy. [approaches with the hat, but Timmy smacks him away] Hey, don't push me!\nTimmy: Timmih! [turns his chair to face Jimmy directly]\nCartman: Cripple fight! [the other boys cheer, but Mr. Grazier bursts through the doors]\nMr. Grazier: That is enough, Scouts! Take your seats! [the boys turn left and go to their seats]\nCartman: Awww!\nMr. Grazier: Alright, Scouts, I am your new Scout Master, Mr. Grazier! [paces back and forth between tables] Together we are going to become the best! The sleekest! The most polished Scout troop in all of Colorado! Isn't that right! [there's no answer] When I ask you a question you will answer \"Yes, Scoutmaster!\" Do I make myself clear?!\nScouts: Yes, Scoutmaster!\nMr. Grazier: Good! Now, the first activity for this evening will be... [hushed] naked pictures [brings forth a camera] I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked, in case we need them, for later.\nScouts: Awww.\nMr. Grazier: Aw, what is this?! If there's one thing I hate, it's a whining platoon! \"We don't wanna do pushups! We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!\"\nCartman: [to Kenny] Man, this guy sucks.\nMr. Grazier: Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!\nScene Description: Community Center gym, later. The pictures have been taken and the Scouts are dressed and at table.\nMr. Grazier: Alright, Scouts, we're gonna end this meeting with a little puppet show. [pulls out a smiling Scout hand puppet] Here's a little Scout. He's always prepared. He's always ready. Now, here's a little Scout telling his parents that Mr. Grazier took naked pictures of him. Look what happens. [pulls out a hammer with his left hand and whacks away at the puppet on his right hand. The Scouts are frightened] Oh! No! Aw! Aw! Aw! [his right hand is bleeding, leaving a small pool of blood under the puppet] Do I make myself clear, Scouts?!\nScouts: Yes, Scoutmaster! [the parents enter to pick up their boys]\nMr. Grazier: [now hiding his right hand] Oh, hello parents. Alright, that's all the time we have for tonight, Scouts. We sure had a great time, didn't we?\nScouts: Yes sir Scoutmaster! [the troops break and go to their parents. Mr. Grazier walks over to Randy and Stuart, with his right hand behnd his back]\nRandy: Wow, you sure whipped those kids into shape.\nStuart: Yeah. Now they're acting like men.\nMr. Grazier: Well, you know what I say about kids: They're all pink on the inside.\nRandy: You bet.\nStuart: I heard that.\nRandy: See ya, Mr. Grazier. [Randy and Stuart walk out. Mr. Grazier waits till they're gone and then pulls out the pictures he'd just taken and reviews them]\nScene Description: Big Gay Al's house, night, living room. Al is on the couch unkempt, covered in a blanket, watching TV, and devouring ice cream. The door bell rings\nBig Gay Al: Go away! I'm dead! [the door closes, and soon the South Park troop comes into view and stands in front of him]\nButters: Oh, well, here he is.\nStan: Big Gay Al, what are you doing?!\nCartman: Yeah! Get your big gay ass off the couch and come be our scoutmaster again!\nBig Gay Al: I can't, kids. I've been... kicked out of Scouts.\nStan: Kicked out? Oh no!\nCartman: But you have to come back. We hate our new scout leader.\nBig Gay Al: Really? wull-why?\nButters: [pause. Stan and Cartman look to him] We can't tell you.\nBig Gay Al: Why not?\nButters: [approaches the kidney-shaped table and demonstrates] Oh, no. No. Oh, no. No! Oh no no! [Al is shocked at the implication]\nStan: Please, Big Gay Al. We don't wanna go on a camp trip with this guy next week.\nBig Gay Al: Boys, there's nothing I can do. The Scouts don't allow homosexuals.\nJimmy: Well then that settles it! Fellas, what we're gonna hafta do is try to ch... change the Scouts' rules, very much.\nScene Description: South Park streets, day. The six boys are picketing on the sidewalk. Cartman carries a picket: \"Scouting is for everyone!\" Butters and Kenny carry a fold-up table between them\nStan: What do we want?\nBoys: Gays in Scouts!\nStan: When do we want it?\nTimmy: Timmih!\nStan: What do we want?\nBoys: Gays in Scouts!\nStan: When do we want it?\nTimmy: Timmih!\nStan: What do we want?\nRandy: [slowly, as the boys and Stan continue] Oh, no.\nBoys: Gays in Scouts!\nStan: When do we want it?\nTimmy: Timmih!\nScene Description: South Park streets, day, further down the street. The six boys continue picketing.\nStan: What do we want?\nBoys: Gays in Scouts!\nStan: When do we want it?\nTimmy: Timmih! [the boys approach Henry's Supermarket]\nStan: Alright, this looks like the perfect place to get some signatures. [a little girl stands at the market's entrance]\nLittle Girl: Puppies. Puppies for sale.\nCartman: [moves over to her] Beat it, toots! We've got discrimination work to do! [takes her box and looks inside, then tosses it away. She goes after the box]\nStan: Alright, let's set up. [the table's legs come down and Cartman's picket is hung in front of the table. A mic and sound system are set up next to the table. A customer exits the market, and Stan whips out a petition board] Ah hi, we're here to collect signature in support to force the Scouts to accept gays? [the customer gets away, but another one comes] Uh, hello, gays in Scouts? [the customers ignore him] Goddamnit! [All the while Timmy looks down angrily at Jimmy]\nButters: Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy do some stand-up comedy? Like at our bake sale, very much?\nStan: That's a great idea! [takes the mic] Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Now, for your entertainment, stand-up comic, Jimmy!\nJimmy: [takes the mic] Wow, what a great audience. For my first joke, I'm going to need a... volunteer. Come on up here, Tim-Tim. [Jimmy gets the big hat and turns to give it to Timmy, only to see him wheel away. Jimmy follows, and they end up in a parking lot away from the market] Timmy, when I tell you to do something, you do it!\nTimmy: Timmih!\nJimmy: Timmy, don't make me k... kick you ass!\nTimmy: Timmay!\nJimmy: Put on the hat!\nTimmy: [smacks the hat down] Timmay!\nJimmy: Pu-put it on!!\nStan: Dude, this looks like it could get ugly. [he and Cartman leave the table and go towards Jimmy and Timmy. Timmy and Jimmy face off and start circling each other]\nTimmy: [makes a fist] Timmih. Timmih.\nJimmy: Not this year.\nTimmy: Timmih, Timmih.\nCartman: Cripple fight!\nTimmy: Haaa.\nJimmy: Come on. Come on!\nTimmy: Timmih.\nScene Description: South Park Church. A service is on, and organ music plays\nCartman: Cripple fight! [after a moment, the congregants get up and leave]\nScene Description: Henry's Supermarket, inside. Shoppers mill about, getting their items\nCartman: [on speakers] Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have... cripple fight. Cripple fight outside! [the shoppers abandon their carts and exit]\nScene Description: Parking lot. Timmy delivers the fist blow, to Jimmy's head, but Jimmy delivers four blows back with his crutches. The third one turns Timmy's head to the left. The fourth one turns Timmy's head to the right and forces the wheelchair backwards. Jimmy recovers and the rivals approach each other anew\nJimmy: Come on!\nScene Description: Jimmy jumps up and delivers a blow to Timmy's face, but Timmy responds with four quick blows - a right hook, two left jabs, and another right hook - sending Jimmy to the ground face first.\nJimmy: [struggling to get up] Uh.\nStan: Jesus Christ, dude! [a crowd begins to gather]\nSusan: Oh my God!\nMan 5: Just let 'em have it out, Susan. They'll run out of steam soon. [Jimmy gets up quickly and faces Timmy again]\nTimmy: Hahnah Timmih.\nJimmy: [swipes at him, but Timmy blocks] Huah!\nTimmy: Hahnah Timmih.\nJimmy: [swipes at Timmy again, but Timmy blocks] Come on!\nTimmy: Timmih!\nJimmy: No! [swipes at him again, but Timmy blocks and quickly delivers a blow to the face, drawing fist blood] Ow!\nScene Description: Jimmy recoups and delivers a back-handed blow to Timmy with his right crutch, then measures Timmy and swings the crutch back and launches Timmy out of his chair. Timmy quickly scrambles back to his chair, but Jimmy whacks him away again. Camera movements get more dynamic. Timmy rolls over and Jimmy walks up to him and offers his left hand\nJimmy: Timmy? Timmy? [Timmy takes his hand and slowly rises to his feet. Jimmy helps him into the chair]I told you to put on the HAT!! [swings his right crutch and blows Timmy out of the chair again. Jimmy walks up to Timmy and pulls him up by the hair, and swings the right crutch at him, but Timmy blocks it and holds both crutches down] You dirty motherfucker! [hits Timmy with the crutches, and Timmy responds with a headbutt, knocking Jimmy down. Timmy goes down himself]\nMan 5: [just arriving] What's goin' on?\nMan 6: [turns to answer] Some kind of gay pride rally.\nScene Description: Timmy gets a hold of Jimmy and delivers a right cross. Jimmy responds by striking Timmy with both crutches, then grounding his crutches and swinging his legs up to strike Timmy agian. Next, Jimmy tries to pull Timmy off the wheelchair head first, then tries to get a reverse headlock on Timmy. Timmy breaks out of it and delivers a blow. They each try a headlock on the other, but the effort forces the wheelchair backwards, and they both fall out.\nTimmy: Lah-livin' a lie!\nScene Description: Jimmy chokes Timmy for a bit, then rises to jump on him. Timmy tries to force Jimmy off by pushing Jimmy's face back, but Jimmy bites Timmy's fingers. Timmy cries in pain, then flips Jimmy off overhead. Jimmy scrambles up on his crutches as Timmy tends to his bitten hand, and strikes Timmy again, and again. Jimmy then swings his legs into Timmy and flies off - a flying kick. Timmy rises and jumps on Jimmy, grabbing his head and ramming it into the ground twice, then performing an eye gouge. Jimmy works around it and throws Timmy off, then jumps on him, driving a knee into Timmy's crotch five times, shot from various angles. Jimmy struggles to get up, and Timmy trips him.\nScene Description: Channel 4 News report\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing out in front of Henry's Supermarket where five brave little boys are holding a rally to support gays in scouting. The rally is drawing so much attention that people from all over the country are taking media notice.\nFarmer: Those boys have shown me the light. I never knew the Mountain Scouts was a hate group.\nJoe: [host of Joe n' Friends] This is a wake up call to America. We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore!\nScene Description: South Park Bar. People are looking at the report\nRandy: Oh, God, they're actually pulling it off.\nReporter: [voice only] The rally has also caught the attention of old Scouts members, like Steven Spielberg, director of such films as Always and 1941.\nScene Description: Cut to Channel 4 News report\nSteven Spielberg: [at his desk] I salute those boys and their courage. I am hereby cutting all my funding to the Scouts!\nReporter: The rally has also caught the attention of high-powered lawyer, Gloria Allred.\nGloria Allred: [at her desk] It is a disgrace that these homophobes are allowed to discriminate. [rises from her chair and pounds the desk] I am taking this case on, personally!\nReporter: With this kind of support, Tom, these boys are sure to have a victory for gays. Back to you.\nTom: Thanks, Chris. In other news, the FBI has finally caught the child molester known as Mr. Slippyfist. [pictured is Mr. Grazier being arrested, then his mug shot] This sick child molester was found with disturbing graphic photos of young boys naked, which we will show you now.\nScene Description: Cut to South Park Bar for reactions. The men are stunned\nTom: [voice only] Here's one. And here's another.\nStuart: Kenny?\nRandy: Oh my God.\nTom: Here, look at this one. Sick sonofabitch! Here's one right here.\nScene Description: Jimmy and Timmy have taken to throwing each other all over the place. Jimmy and Timmy land on a car and tumble down to the ground beside it. The camera follows the action closely. Jimmy picks Timmy up and throws him back on the car, then swings his right crutch at Timmy, striking him, and strikes him again on the return swing. Timmy punches Jimmy with his left fist, sending Jimmy spinning around. Jimmy swings at Timmy again, but Timmy ducks and catches Jimmy in a sleeper hold, holding on for a few seconds. Jimmy escapes, then picks Timmy up high and brings him down upon the left knee for a back-breaker. Timmy rises and responds with a neck-breaker, knocking Jimmy out. Both boys lay there, motionless.\nMan 6: Alright, boys, break it up.\nScene Description: Colorado Supreme Court, day, exterior shot. Inside, the justices enter and take their seats\nBailiff: All rise.\nChief Justice: In the case of Big Gay Al versus Mountain Scouts of America: due to the overwhelming show of support, it is the ruling of this court that the Scouts must allow Big Gay Al and all gays into their club!\nCrowd: Alright! Yeah! Woohoo! [more cheering]\nRandy: Well, we've all learned an important lesson. That just because somebody's gay doesn't mean they're gonna molest children. Straight people do that too.\nCrowd: Yeah! [more cheering. Timmy and Jimmy, bruised and battered, sit next to each other]\nChief Justice: And furthermore, the Scout elders will be put into stocks for three days, so they can see how it feels to be outcast!\nCrowd: Hooray, yeah, yeah! [more cheering]\nStan: We did it! We did it!\nGloria Allred: I did it! I did it! Haha! [the press gathers in around her.]\nScene Description: Colorado Supreme Court, day, outside. Gloria Allred is holding a press conference at the top of the steps at the courthouse\nGloria Allred: Today is a great day for democracy. The Scouts have been exposed for the vile gay bashers they are. [each of the three Scout elders is in a stock, and underneath each one is written \"HOMOPHOBE\" The crowd throws stones at them.] And we all it all to me, and these six brave little boys [the big bird comes down and plucks Kenny right up. The other kids, Al, and Gloria move aside and return, the kids stunned] five... brave little boys. And now, here to take his official oath back in Scouts is Big Gay Al. [moves aside]\nBig Gay Al: [as the crowd cheers] Thank you all very much. But I don't want this. [the crowd quiets down and gets confused]\nCrowd members: What's he saying?\nStan: Huh?\nBig Gay Al: Look, I appreciate what you kids did; I really do. But this isn't what I wanted. I'm proud to be gay. And I'm proud to be in a country where I'm free to express myself. But freedom is a two-way street. If I'm free to express myself, then the Scouts have to be free to express themselves, too. I know these men. They are good men. They are kind men. They do what they think is best for kids. No matter how wrong we think they might be, it isn't right for us to force them to think our way. It's up to us to persuade, and help them see the light, not extort them to. Please, don't cut the Scouts' funding. The Scouts help and have always helped a lot of kids. That's why I love them. I will continue to persuade them to change their mind, but this is the wrong way to do it. So, I am hereby dropping my case, and allowing the Scouts their right to not allow gays into their private club.\nMan: Uh, Hooray!\nAnother Man: Hooray, hey!\nStan: So wait, did we do good?\nButters: Uh yeah, ah I think so.\nCartman: Eh, we kick ass.\nBig Gay Al: [approaching the boys] Come on kids, let's go get some ice cream! [moves along]\nGloria Allred: [at the mic] You can't do this! You homophobe!\nJimmy: Well, Timmy, I guess we learned an important lesson, too, very much. There is room for more than one handi-capable person in Scouts.\nTimmy: Timmih.\nJimmy: I'm glad we're best friends now. See ya at Scouts. [walks off]\nTimmy: Tim-mih.\nScene Description: Timmy's house, exterior shot. Inside, Timmy is working on his computer in his room. He's working the keyboard and the mouse like an experienced user. He sings to the tune of \"Old MacDonald Had a Farm\":\nTimmy: Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih... [on screen is a picture of Timmy and Jimmy, in a Photo Wiz program. Timmy traces a cutout around Jimmy's head] Timmih Timmih Timmih. Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih... [he clips the head off and moves it to the right, and grins] Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih. Ahh!\nStan: [opens Timmy's bedroom door and enters. Timmy stops work to listen] Timmy, come on! We're gonna be late for Scouts! [walks out]\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Inside the boys are seated around the table, and a new Scoutmaster, the head Scoutmaster, is present\nHead Scoutmaster: Alright, boys, I am your new Scout leader. Everything is going to be just fine. No naked pictures.\nTimmy: [rolls up to the scoutmaster] Uh, Timmih.\nHead Scoutmaster: Yes, Timmy? [Timmy hands him an envelope, which he opens. He takes out a picture] Oh dear. Jimmy?\nJimmy: Yes?\nHead Scoutmaster: You know our policy: I'm afraid you're... out of Scouts.\nJimmy: Out of Scouts? [the scoutmaster shows a picture of two naked men holding each other close from the waist down and looking at the camera. The paler man has Jimmy's head pasted over his]\nTimmy: [with eyes half-closed, waves at Jimmy and grins] Tim-mih.\nJimmy: What? [the two other Scoutmasters come up behind Jimmy, pull him out of his chair, and carry him towards the entrance] Hey wait a minute! This is crazy! You can't do this!\nStan: Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay.\nButters: Me neither. [the two Scoutmasters prepare to toss him out the doors]\nJimmy: No! No! [the Scoutmasters toss him a good distance]\nTimmy: [triumphantly] Timmay!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. People mill around, but a group of them has gathered around a magician, tall and slender, with a severe face\nMagician: Okay, Carol, put the card you picked back into the deck so I can't see ittwah. [Butters and Kenny are watching as Stan and Kyle rush up]\nStan: What's going on? [he and Kyle have ice cream cones. He has vanilla, Kyle strawberry]\nButters: Uh this feller David Blaine. He's doin' magic tricks. Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?\nBlaine: Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. [Carol takes the card and shows it to the crowd. It is an ace of clubs] Was that the card you picked?\nCarol: No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of hearts.\nBlaine: Four of hearts? Really? Look again.\nCarol: [looks and find the four of hearts in her hand] Daa-ah!\nCrowd: Oooohhhh! [applause]\nWoman: Whoa\nKyle: That's pretty cool, dude!\nCartman: [walking up] Who's this asshole?\nKyle: He's a magician named David Blaine, dude. He kicks ass.\nCartman: Hey, where'd you guys get that ice cream?\nBlaine: Sir, c- could you come over here? [Jimbo walks over] Now, what I want you to do, Mr...\nJimbo: Kern.\nBlaine: Mr. Kern, I want you to just... think about a card. Pick any card, and picture it in your mind.\nJimbo: [shuts his eyes and keeps them shut] O-kay.\nBlaine: Okay, jus... s think about your card. [a few seconds pass] okay, look at me. [Jimbo looks at him] Look at me... Look at me... okay, now reach up your ass.\nJimbo: Huh??\nBlaine: Go on, reach up your ass.\nJimbo: [reaches into his ass and digs around] Uh, I don't feel nothin'.\nBlaine: Deeper.\nJimbo: [groans as he goes deeper] Hhud. I don't feel... hello... wait... wait... [pulls out a card and cleans the crap off it]\nBlaine: Was that the card you picked?\nJimbo: [in disbelief] Yes! Oh my God!\nMan: O-hoho! [more crowd reaction]\nKyle: Wow, that's cool!\nStan: How'd he do that??\nBlaine: Thank you. I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. I've started quite a following, mostly because of my levitation tricktwah. Watch. [goes into a meditative state] Watch. [slowly, he rises into the air]\nCrowd: Whoa!!!\nStan: No way!\nKyle: Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in the universe!\nBlaintologist: [passing out pamphlets through the crowd] Pamphlet. Pamphlet. Here you go, kids, take a pamphlet. [Kyle takes one and reads from it]\nKyle: \"David Blaine Workshop. Learn all about David Blaine at the Center for Magic.\" Dude, we gotta go.\nCartman: Yeah, and they probably teach you how to do magic tricks!\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day.\nSpeaker: Hello, everyone. My name is Steven and I've been a Blaintologist for about three years. So, when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street, what moved you the most?\nStan: His a-miracles?\nSteven: Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much more than a magician. He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader.\nCartman: When are we gonna learn magic tricks?\nStan: Yeah!\nSteven: Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn: I can show you how to make your true self appear. Let me ask you all something: Do you consider yourselves to be happy?\nButters: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sounds of my own screams.\nSteven: ...Right, yeh. Eh, see, the reason that you are unha-\nButters: And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?\nSteven: Wait, the.. the point is... that you can be happy. You see, your friends and parents have programmed you in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real... you? [focus on a stunned Kyle] You're not really happy.\nKyle: [thinking] I'm not really happy.\nSteven: Your potential hasn't even been reached.\nKyle: [thinking] My potential hasn't even been reached.\nSteven: [holds up the book] If you look through David Blaine's incredible book, you'll find a lot of life's answers. Let's read some of the book together, shall we?\nCartman: Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club?\nSteven: That's right.\nCartman: Cool.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. In the dining room, Sheila is trying to feed Ike, who is in a baby chair.\nSheila: Ike, eat your gefilte fish. [Ike pulls away as far as he can]\nIke: No-oo.\nKyle: [rushes in with Blaine's book] Mom. Mom. I found out all about this great new magician named David Blaine.\nSheila: That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!\nKyle: We spent all afternoon learning about how we aren't actually happy. I had no idea how unhappy I was until today. They gave me this cool book to read, and I'm already on chapter four...\nSheila: Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle. Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this.\nKyle: So can I go to the Magic Camp, to learn how to become a full member? All the other guys are doin' it, and it's only $69.95.\nSheila: Magic Camp? I don't know, bubbe, ask your father. [Kyle turns and walks out] Ike, you will eat this!\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day. The new recruits are having their hair shaved off their heads\nBarber: Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you.\nButters: [Solemnly] I am prepared. [the barber takes the clippers and clips Butters' hair off in one swoop. The hair ends up on the floor in one piece] Hoh, jeez, eh it sure got cold in here.\nBarber: Next? [Mr. Garrison appears...]\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, main room\nSteven: Congratulations, young Blaintologists. From this day, you are clean. [a shot of the new recruits. They all look the same] Now, we have very important work to do! David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show in Denver tomorrow night, where he's going to eat his own head.\nRecruits: Wow!\nSteven: So it's up to all you new Blaintologists to get as many people there as you can. Whoever gets the most people to come gets a prize! [eight boys gravitate towards each other]\nStan: [talking to a boy between him and Cartman] Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.\nButters: Ha-I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.\nStan: No, I'm Stan.\nKyle: [behind Butters] You're Stan? Where's Kenny?\nStan: Who are you?\nKyle: I'm Kyle.\nCartman: [thinking he's indistinguishable] Heheh, guess who I am, you guys?\nStan: Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here.\nKyle: [steps back to join Stan] What do you mean? We're learning all kinds of cool stuff.\nStan: Look at us, dude. These people are trying to change us somehow. I think it's time we went home.\nKyle: But David Blaine is gonna do more miracles in Denver tomorrow.\nStan: I don't care! I'm leaving! [walks towards the door, but a man blocks the way] 'Scuse me. [eerie music begins]\nAide: Where are you going?\nStan: I'm going home.\nAide: You don't want to go home.\nStan: You said we're free to leave whenever we want\nAide: You are.\nStan: Move out of the way.\nAide: I'm not in the way. You are. Are you unhappy with the Church's teachings? Let's just talk about it\nStan: I don't wanna talk about it, I jus' wanna leave.\nAide: Why don't we go into the back room for a second, and talk? Then you can leave.\nStan: [begins to back away, intimidated] That's okay, I... I changed my mind. I'm... gonna stay.\nAide: That's great news. [escorts Stan back to the group]\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Stan peers out from a door into a hall.\nStan: Okay, it's all clear. [exits with Kyle]\nKyle: What are we doing?\nStan: We're getting out of here. This whole thing has gotten way out of hand.\nKyle: Whoa whoa, I'm not going anywhere.\nStan: Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!\nKyle: It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my life I feel like I'm part of something.\nStan: A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's crazy life plan?!\nKyle: Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's a brilliant man.\nStan: No, they've just convinced you that he's a brilliant man! Let's go!\nKyle: I'm not going anywhere!\nStan: Goddamnit, I'm not going with you! I wanna stay here!\nKyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.\nStan: Oh wait, who am I again?\nKyle: You're Stan.\nStan: Oh- oh yeah. God- Goddamnnit, hold on a second. [pulls out his hat and puts it on] Okay. Now look, dude, I'm getting out of here, and you're a dumbass if you don't come with me!\nKyle: Then I guess... I'm a dumbass. [turns and walks back to his room. Stan turns back to face the hall and watched Kyle walk away]\nStan: Kyle, please. You- [looks down and to the left, then looks up] You're my best friend.\nKyle: Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan. And if you can't respect that,... then I guess we're not best friends anymore. [opens the door to his room and walks in. Stan looks, then turns towards the exit and walks out]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. Cartman and Kyle walk down a sidewalk visiting houses. They approach a pink house.\nKyle: Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you.\nElderly Woman: Uh oh. My husband warned me about you Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.\nCartman: Uh it... doesn't matter, ma'am. Blaintology is for everyone. There are Blaintologists who are Catholics, Buddhists - why even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.\nKyle: That's right.\nElderly Woman: So you're not a cult?\nCartman: [giggles] Of course, no. David Blaine is a real person. You may have seen his television specials on ABC. He also wrote a book, and we'd like to share it with you.\nElderly Woman: Well, alright, come on in.\nCartman: Cool. [the woman shows the boys in]\nScene Description: Elderly woman's house, living room, moments later. The woman and the two boys sit on the sofa. Kyle has his book open.\nKyle: ...And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square.\nCartman: Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David Blaine's plan is for you?\nElderly Woman: No, not really.\nCartman: Oh, you see, that, that's interesting because... I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book, and, I'm so thankful that he showed me the way to true happiness but, I think about his plan often.\nKyle: David Blaine is doing a big performance in Denver tomorrow night. [closes his book] We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you!\nCartman: He's going to eat his own head.\nKyle: How many tickets can we put you down for?\nElderly Woman: Oh, I can't go.\nCartman: Oh, come on, it'll make you a happy person.\nElderly Woman: I am happy.\nCartman: No you're not.\nElderly Woman: Yes I am.\nCartman: No you're not.\nElderly Woman: I really am.\nCartman: No you're not.\nElderly Woman: But I am.\nCartman: No you're not.\nElderly Woman: Alright, two tickets\nKyle: Great!\nScene Description: Sidewalk. Kyle and Cartman exit the elderly woman's house\nKyle: That's 15 people we got to agree to come see David Blaine perform in Denver.\nCartman: Yes, Brother Kyle hmm, but our work is not over. We must still recruit ten more audience members in order to get the prize.\nKyle: I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, we might find a- [they reach the corner. Facing them on the opposite corner is Stan, standing by his bike]\nCartman: Come, Brother Kyle, we have no time for him. [turns right and walks down the street. Kyle looks back at Stan for a few seconds, then follows Cartman. Stan turns and walks down the street in the same direction Kyle and Cartman were walking, but stops when a car appears in front of him. He sees some adult Blaintologists inside. The driver starts the car and moves towards Stan, who turns about face and begins to run with his bike. The car looms behind him and he lets go of his bike.]\nStan: HaaAAAA! [the car totals the bike, bumps Stan onto the sidewalk, and peels away.]\nDriver: You'd better watch yourself next time, abandoner! [Stan looks at the car, scared.]\nScene Description: Jesus' house, next day. Stan walks up and rings the doorbell\nStan: Hi, Jesus. It's me.\nStan, Jesus: Stan Marsh.\nJesus: Of course. I know you, my child. Come in.\nScene Description: Jesus' house, living room. A pitcher of water sits on the coffee table\nStan: This guy is going around doing magic tricks and saying they're miracles! My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!\nJesus: You're good to bring this to my attention, Stan. Cults are a very dangerous thing.\nStan: I read in the Bible that you did miracles, too. If you could go in front of these people and do your miracles, then, they'll all see that David Blaine isn't so special.\nJesus: The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.\nStan: Can you do it again?\nJesus: Very well. I shall perform the miracle. Behold. Here you can see ordinary water, clear, clean. Okay now, turn around. [Stan looks at Jesus quizzically. Jesus is now holding the pitcher] Er, nuh, tur- turn around. [Stan turns away and Jesus quickly switches pitchers] Uh, okay now, turn back. [Stan turns back] It is now wine!\nStan: That's it? That's how you did that trick?\nJesus: Wuh well, yeah.\nStan: That trick sucks, Jesus.\nJesus: Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little better on people 2000 years ago.\nStan: Dude, we have to do something. This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight. He's gonna get more followers, and it'll be impossible for me to get Kyle out.\nJesus: Then let's go.\nStan: But dude, I'd I don't think you should do that lame water-to-wine trick.\nJesus: Oh,don't worry [rises and joins Stan out the door] I have a few more miracles up my sleeve.\nScene Description: Denver, night. An arena is shown, and the place is packed. Kyle and Cartman are seated in the third row, with around Blaintologists around them\nKyle: This is a really good turnout.\nAnnouncer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine. [pyrotechnics go off all around, three spotlights shine on Blaine, and the crowd cheers]\nBlaine: Hello, my children.\nAnnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence, please, as magician David Blaine will now eat... his... own... head. [Blaine looks around, and a drumroll begins. Blaine then proceeds to eat his own head, then falls over. A few moments later the crowd roars with approval]\nKyle: Dude, no way! [two female Blaintology assistants rush up and help Blaine stand. One has a little cage, another has a small curtain and rod. The one to his right places the cage where the head would be, while the one on the left places the curtain in front. A few seconds later, Blaine's head is back on his shoulders. The audience cheers]\nBlaine: Thank you, everyone. [the audience quiets down] Our organization grows larger every day. Soon, the government will even have to give us tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion.\nJesus: [walking down the steps towards the stage] Hold!\nMan: It's Jesus! [more murmurs]\nCartman: What's he doin' here? [Jesus goes on stage]\nJesus: My children, it is time for you to go home and stop following this false prophet. You should be using your money and time for other things. These are simple magic tricks. His magic is interesting, but will it put food on your table? Feeding the hungry - now that is a miracle! [a cart with loaves and fishes is wheeled in by Stan.] Behold! I have here fives loaves of bread and three fish. Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd, but now - turn around [the crowd stares back blankly] Ya need tuh- turn around. [Stan slaps his hand to his forehead, but the crowd turns around. Jesus proceeds to pull bread and fish from behind the cart and pour it over the original bread and fish. Soon the cart is hidden under the food] Okay, now turn back. [the crowd turns back and just looks]\nCartman: Now how the hell did he do that? [Blaine simply extends his right arm, lifts the bread and fish mentally from the cart and drops them over by Stan]\nCrowd: Wow!\nBlaine: Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus! Twah. Just like you are.\nJesus: Oh, really. Then what's this [reaches behind Blaine's ear and pulls out a card] Ace of Spades doing behind your ear?\nCrowd: Whoa. [some chatter. Blaine then levitates, goes into a spin and disappears into a deck of cards, which then splits in two. Each half traces a circle and then both halves combine to make a larger circle. This circle then becomes a tornado of cards, and David Blaine emerges from the tornado triumphant.]\nJesus: [overwhelmed] Jesus Christ!\nElderly Woman: [seated with her husband] He's incredible!\nBlaine: The old religions have failed you! Twah. What have they offered except for war, poverty, and sadness? Blaintology offers you the key to living your life to the fullest! Will you join us?\nCrowd: Yes!!\nScene Description: The arena, outside. Jesus and Stan exit the arena\nJesus: His magic is too powerful, Stanley. I've never seen anything like it.\nStan: Then what are we going to do.\nJesus: I cannot face him alone. We must get the help of all the super best friends. [speaks into his left wrist] Buddha. Buddha, come in!\nStan: Super best friends?\nBuddha: [on a little screen on Jesus' unique watch] This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.\nScene Description: A futuristic headquarters, somewhere... Jesus appears on a giant screen as Buddha awaits Jesus' answer\nJesus: Buddha, we may have a problem. I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before.\nBuddha: I'll call everyone together. Come as fast as you can.\nJesus: Come, Stanley. We must travel far and long.\nStan: To where?\nJesus: Distances unfathomable to man. Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do not open your eyes.\nStan: [shuts his eyes] I am ready.\nScene Description: Inside an airplane. Jesus and Stan have center seats, and Stan's eyes are still shut\nJesus: Are you still keeping your eyes closed?\nStan: Yeah.\nJesus: Good. Want some peanuts?\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, night. Blaintologists gather in the main room, and a new member is having his hair shaved off\nKyle: Congratulations, sister. You have heard the noble truth and are now a Blaintologist.\nSteven: [rushes up to the podium] Everyone! Everyone, gather 'round! I have great news for all Blaintologists, and for our new members as well. We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself: The government has denied our church's request for tax-exempt status!\nMember: But... we want tax-exempt status.\nKyle: Yeah. Why is that good news?\nSteven: Be-cause! Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blaintologists members from every city and state to march into Washington and demand our right for tax-exempt status by committing a mass suicide!\nKyle: Mass suicide?\nSteven: Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington, we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife!\nMember: Hehehe, that sounds good. [other members echo the sentiment]\nSteven: Get your things ready. We leave for Washington at dawn!\nCartman: [jubilant] Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die!\nScene Description: A blue sky in a big city. The camera pans down to show Jesus and Stan in a park-like setting\nJesus: Alright, Stanley. You can open your eyes now. [before them is a stone-and-glass building] This is the hall of the super best friends, Stanley, the headquarters for those who stand for what's right.\nMohammad: Jesus, we've been working hard since we got your distress call!\nLoa Tse: Who the kid?\nJesus: Stanley, I want you to meet some of the super best friends [they are shown when mentioned]: Buddha, with the powers of invisibility; Mohammad, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame [he raises his hands palm up and a blast of flame emerges from each hand]; Krishna, the Hindu deity; Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet; Lao Tse, the found of Taoism [performs some martial arts moves with his cane]; and Seaman, with the ability to breathe underwater and link mentally with fish.\nStan: So you mean to tell me that even though people fight and argue over different religions, you guys are all actually friends?\nMohammad: More than friends, young boy, we are super best friends, with the desire to fight for justice.\nJoseph Smith: We all believe in the power of good over evil. Except for Buddha, of course, who doesn't believe in evil. [Buddha shrugs and grins]\nStan: Wow.\nMohammad: Jesus, come look at this. [they walk to the monitor console with Stan following] After your distress call, we entered David Blaine in the super best friends' computer.\nSeaman: [operating the console] Many interesting things showed up. He was raised in New York city by a decent family, but a freak washing-machine accident at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts.\nBuddha: That's right, Seamen. [the other super best friends laugh at how Buddha said Seaman's name]\nSeaman: [insulted] Sea Man!\nBuddha: Uh that's what I said. Seamen. [the others laugh some more]\nSeaman: Stop it!\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Kyle walks up to Cartman's bunk.\nKyle: [whispering] Cartman! Cartman, wake up! Cartman!\nCartman: [sits up abruptly, knocking Kyle off the bed] No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone! Eyuh! Uh? [now alert, if confused, and Kyle stands up]\nKyle: It's just me.\nCartman: [sighs silently] Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my rest?\nKyle: Dude. I don't think I wanna be a part of this anymore.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: I think Stan might've been right. Anyway, I think it's going too far. I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad.\nCartman: Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't wanna die either. [points to his groin] I haven't even gotten my pubes yet.\nKyle: I think we should bail. If we leave the group, maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too.\nCartman: That co- ugh. [drops to a whisper] That could be difficult, Brother Kyle. But alright, listen: Why don't we sleep on it? If we decide to leave the faction, we can... do it in the morning.\nKyle: Okay. Okay, you're right. [goes down the ladder to his own bunk, underneath Cartman's, and Cartman turns over to sleep] Oh uh Cartman: thanks. [goes to sleep. Later, he wakes up inside a large domed platform. Reflections of five adult Blaintologists and Cartman can be seen on the glass dome. He sits up and blinks] Cartman? [He tries to move, but encounters the glass. He taps to make sure] What the hell? [Camera pulls back to reveal...]\nScene Description: The David Blaine Complex, main room. The Blaintologists and Cartman look on.\nCartman: I told on yoo-ou. I told on yoo-ou.\nKyle: What have you done, Cartman?!\nCartman: This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.\nBlaine: You must understand, brother Kyle, twah, you know too much about the Church. If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause.\nCartman: Ah, and you know what else Kyle said? Um Kyyyle, he said that if we were all gonna commit suicide, that he wouldn't do iiit.\nKyle: [knocking on the dome] Cartman, you fatass tattle-tale!\nCartman: At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble!\nBlaine: The suicide pact will go as planned. If we die, we all die together. [Cartman and the Blaintologists exit and leave Kyle alone, afraid]\nScene Description: the Hall of the Super Best Friends, day.\nNarrator: [speaks for the fist time] Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends...\nJoseph Smith: Look at that, Jesus. His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine! It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous as you and your young friend had feared.\nStan: I knew it.\nJesus: Here. I have a videotape of his performance the other night.\nJoseph Smith: Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape and see what he comes up with. [Mohammad takes the tape to Moses]\nMohammad: Moses, scan this tape. Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power?\nMoses: [just as he appeared in \"Jewbilee\"] Give me the information. [Mohammad slips the tape into a slot near Moses' tip. Stan smiles]\nStan: Wow, the Moses.\nMoses: His magic is a combination of centrifugal line and sleight of hand. Wait a minute: I'm picking up movement from Blaintologists from all over the country.\nLao Tse: The Blaintologists are heading to Washington. But why?\nJesus: Wait a minute. At his performance David Blaine said something about trying to get tax-exempt status.\nJoseph Smith: Omigod!\nLao Tse: What?\nJoseph Smith: If he gets tax-exempt status, then he'll become a real religion.\nKrishna: He would become unstoppable\nScene Description: Washington D.C., day. The Blaintologists have gathered around the Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial\nNarrator: Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, Blaintologists from all over the country have gathered to commit mass suicide!\nBlaine: [facing the audience, with the Washington Monument in the distance] If the government will not give us tax-exempt status, then we must prove that we are willing to die for our beliefs, twah.\nSteven: Alright, brothers and sisters, gather around. [they do so] It's time to drown ourselves in the Reflecting Pool! [he steps down into the pool] However, the-ah Reflecting Pool is a little more shallow than we originally thought, so to drown ourselves, you will need to lie on your stomach, face down, until you die, as such. [drops down into the water and floats on his stomach, expelling air for a few seconds, then groans to death as water fills his lungs. The corpse begins to float away]\nMan: Next! [A woman drops in, than a man...]\nScene Description: The White House, day. The White House staff gathers at one of the windows to watch. Shown are Princess, Laura and George W. Bush, Karl Rove, and Maggie\nNarrator: Meanwhile, at the White House...\nKarl Rove: Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves!\nGeorge Bush: Well we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Karl!\nLarry: [walks in] He-e-ey George! What's gon' on?\nScene Description: Washington D.C., day. Cartman gets ready to flood Kyle, who's still in the glass dome, with a fire hose. More corpses float in the Reflecting Pool\nCartman: Alright, Brother Kyle, it is time for us to die! [pushes the dome into the pool]\nKyle: Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't you see? We don't have to do this!\nCartman: [brings the hose over] But it's the only way for us to be happy. [plugs the hose into the dome and releases the water]\nKyle: Cartman, no!\nScene Description: The Reflecting Pool, later\nBlaine: Give us what we want or we will continue to die\nJesus: Not so fast, David Blaine!\nBlaine: Jesus! Not again.\nJesus: Yes! But this time, I've brought some help! Super Best Friends! [they fly down as they are announced]\nBuddha: Buddha!\nMohammad: Mohammad!\nJoseph Smith: Joseph Smith!\nKrishna: Krishna!\nLao Tse: Lao Tse!\nSeaman: Sea-Man!\nJesus: The mass suicide is over, Blaine! And so are you!\nBlaine: I don't think so. Get them! [Blaintologists go on the attack. Two of them go for Mohammad, who shoots flames at them. They scream.]\nJoseph Smith: My ice breath should take care of you. [blasts some air at an oncoming Blaintologist, who freezes in place]\nStan: [emerges from the crowd and looks around the Reflecting Pool] Kyle! Kyle!\nBlaintologist: Sweet Salvation! [Stan sees the man drown, then notices a boy in the pool]\nStan: Kyle?? [frantically, he goes into the pool and reaches the boy, turning him over. A few seconds of observation and... gasp] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: [off-screen] You bastards!\nStan: Kyle? [looks to his left and calls out] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: [off-screen] You bastards! [Stan looks up and follows Kyle's voice]\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nJesus: That takes care of them.\nJoseph Smith: Now it's your turn, Blaine!\nBlaine: Perhaps you need to see some real magic. [floats up to Lincoln's left foot and touches it. His magic infuses the statue with life, and Lincoln breaks free from his chair]\nLincoln: Raaargh! [steps down towards the crowd]\nBuddha: Oh this looks like trouble.\nBlaine: [floating high above the crowd] So long, Super Best Fools!\nStan: [reaches Kyle] Kyle!\nKyle: Stan!\nStan: Kyle, you can't kill yourself!\nKyle: I don't want to kill myself. They rigged this thing to fill with water! [tremulous footsteps are felt, and Lincoln is shown walking among the crowd of Blaintologists]\nJesus: We've gotta stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln! Mohammad! [Mohammad rises into the air and blasts Lincoln with flames. Lincoln growls and swats Mohammad away with ease] Great Scott!\nCartman: [trying to drown himself from the edge of the Reflecting Pool] Bliegh! [rises. His body is on land] Yugh. Uh, okay, try again. Hep [dunks his head in the water again].\nScene Description: Shot of Washington D.C. from the Vietnam Memorial. Lincoln is taking buildings off their foundations and tossing them aside. Krishna, in the form of an eagle, flies over the scene. Flames are everywhere.\nMohammad: It is too powerful, Jesus!\nKrishna: [lands] It seems to have no weakness!\nJesus: There has to be a way to destroy it. [raises his left wrist to speak into the watch] Jesus to Moses!\nScene Description: The Hall of Super Best Friends, day, at that moment\nNarrator: Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends League...\nJesus: Come in, Moses!\nMoses: What?\nJesus: We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.\nMoses: ...Um... Let me think, um... a giant stone John Wilkes Booth?\nJesus: [thinks for a moment] You heard him, Super Best Friends! We've got to make a giant stone John Wilkes Booth!\nMohammad: Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold!\nKrishna: Form of... a beaver! [transforms into a beaver and runs off to chop down trees]\nMohammad: I will find sources to concrete. [points to Seaman] You, get the water to mix it with, Seaman. [the other friends laugh]\nNarrator: Using the wood that Krishna cut down as a beaver, Jesus uses his master carpentry skills to make a giant mold.\nJesus: That should do the trick. Now for some concrete.\nNarrator: Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Seaman seeks out water to mix with the concrete.\nSeaman: Sea-Man! [lands on the ocean bottom] Look, Swallow, we should be able to divert the water with that pipe.\nNarrator: And so, Seaman and Swallow get to... get to work [laughs]\nScene Description: The Reflecting Pool, later. Water fills the bubble Kyle is in, and he struggles to breathe\nStan: Kyle, you have to hold your breath! [a giant stone hand comes down and grabs the bubble as Stan looks on helplessly. Everyone backs away from the stone Lincoln as it holds Kyle in its left hand. Lincoln shakes Kyle around like a snow globe, and Stan gets mad] Oh, very funny! [Seaman and Joseph Smith pour the raw materials needed for a statue into Jesus' mold, and Mohammad fires the statue like a piece of clay. The likeness of John Wilkes Booth appears on the statue]\nJesus: Lao Tse, bring it to life. [Lao Tse puts index fingers to temples and shuts his eyes to concentrate on the task at hand]\nNarrator: Using his power of Taoism, Lao Tse becomes one with the giant stone John Wilkes Booth. [the Booth statue begins to move. It breaks out of its mold, walks up behind the Lincoln statue, and fires one stone bullet into the back of Lincoln's head. Lincoln's head jerks back, and he falls forward, ending up face down. The bubble falls out of his hand and breaks up on the ground. Kyle is washed out]\nKyle: Wagh. [sits up]\nJesus: It worked. Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves! [Quickly, Joseph Smith reaches the Reflecting Pool and blows ice-cold air over it. The water turns to white ice as other Blaintologists try to drown themselves. Cartman tries once more, but looks up quickly]\nCartman: Hey, I was just about to do it.\nScene Description: The Reflecting Pool, later. The crowd of Blaintologists is still there, and the water has melted\nNarrator: Later, at exactly the same location...\nBlaine: [now in his escape vehicle, on its own launcher] Damn you, Super Best Friends!\nJesus: Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!\nBlaine: Then I guess you win this time, Super Best Fools! But I'll be back! [he fires up the little rocket ship and takes off into the sky]\nJesus: Goddamnit! [behind him and the other Super Best Friends is a city in ruins]\nBuddha: It's alright. Everything is as it should be.\nJesus: Oh, shut up, Buddha!\nSteven: Our leader, he... he's leaving us! [a Blaintologist, about to drown himself, looks up and sees the ship fly away]\nBlaintologist: Don't leave us, David Blaine!\nStan: [with mic. Kyle and Cartman stand some distance to his left] Listen up, everyone! [the Super Best Friends gather behind him] You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live. See, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, happiness and, maybe even an afterlife. But in return, they demand you pay money. Any religion that requires you to pay money in order to move up and... learn its tenets is wrong. See, all religions have something valuable to teach, but, just like the Super Best Friends learned, it requires a little bit of them all.\nBlaintologist: He's right. He... he's right! [the crowd cheers, and Stan walks over to Kyle]\nKyle: Thanks for saving us Stan. You're my Super Best Friend.\nStan: Your my Super Best Friend too, Kyle.\nCartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. [Stan and Kyle are not amused] You wanna go get a room so you can make out for a while? Heheheheheh [Kyle turns and kicks Cartman in the groin, knocking him down]\nKyle: [moves away so Stan can have a turn] Haha, hehahaha.\nCartman: [Stan kicks him] Ah! [Kyle's turn] Ow, stop it! [Stan's turn] Ah! [they continue taking turns kicking Cartman in the groin - Roshambo!]\nJesus: Well, it looks like everything worked out. [the Super Best Friends take off into the air]\nNarrator: And so, Jesus and his companions leave Washington. But their return is assured, for there will always be a need for... the Super Best Friends!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing there\nCartman: Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya da dadaa Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin', guys?\nKyle: What the hell are you so happy about, fatass? [Cartman gets off his bike]\nCartman: [coolly] Oh, nothing. No big deal, really.\nStan: What's no big deal?\nCartman: Well, guys, it seems that I am the first one of us to reach manhood after all.\nKyle: ...What the hell are you talking about?\nCartman: Well, because, unlike you guys, I just got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee! [dances]\nKenny: (You got pubes??)\nKyle: What's \"pubes\"?\nStan: Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first pubic hair.\nKyle: Oh. [to Cartman] No you didn't!\nCartman: Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man!\nStan: He's lying. [turns and walks away. Kenny follows, then Kyle]\nCartman: You wanna see 'em?\nKyle: [turns to look at them] Hell no! [Stan and Kenny turn to look]\nCartman: [reaches into his pants] Here, check 'em out.\nStan: [looks away and hides his eyes] We don't wanna see them, Cartman! [Kyle turns around, Kenny shuts his hood tight]\nCartman: There, see? How do you like them apples! [in his right hand is a clump of pubic hair. The other boys look, with Kyle ready to cover his eyes again] HA!\nKyle: [approaches] Uh, what are those? [Stan and Kenny follow]\nCartman: My pubes.\nStan: What??\nCartman: I got 'em from Scott Tenorman.\nKyle: Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader?\nCartman: Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten bucks. [sing-song] Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys! Ahahahahahahaa ha! [dances a little more]\nStan: Cartman, you are so goddamned stupid, it's unbelievable.\nCartman: [moves in between Stan and Kyle and embraces them, one under each arm, and gloats. Kyle looks at Cartman's right hand] Don't be jealous, guys. [Kyle looks at Cartman] This doesn't mean we can't still hang out. [Kyle looks back at Cartman's hand] It just means that I matured faster than you. [Kyle fears for that hair touching him] You'll get your pubes guys, someday.\nKyle: Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself!\nCartman: Uh oo what?\nStan: When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you fuckin' dumbass!\nCartman: Nuh uh!\nKyle: Yuh huh!\nCartman: [looks at his purchase] But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for ten dollars?\nKyle: Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten dollars!\nCartman: You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing.\nKyle: Yeah.\nCartman: [walks off in a huff] Huh I'm gonna get that son-of-a-bitch.\nScene Description: A lavender house, day. Three teens sit on the front steps\nScott: And so I told him, I said \"Here. I'll sell you my pubes for only ten bucks.\" And this stupid asshole buys them! [the other two boys laugh]\nAnother boy: Oh man! [Cartman makes his way up to the boys]\nScott: Speak of the devil! What do you want?\nCartman: Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes that I purchased, please?\nScott: Uh uh, I don't take returns!\nCartman: Right, but you see, I didn't realize, when I bought these pubes from you, that you were full of shit! So you can either give me back my ten dollars, or I can go tell my mom on you!\nScott: You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes? Huh uh, I don't think so!\nCartman: Just give me back my money...\nScott: Buyer beware, dude!\nCartman: Gimme my ten dollars, Scott!\nScott: Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little butt out of here before I kick your head in! [defeated, Cartman walks away]\nScene Description: Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell\nCartman: [in costume, with briefcase] Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristofferson. I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect ten dollars that you own in back taxes.\nScott: You're not from the IRS! You glued my pubes onto your face!\nCartman: [thinks a bit] Tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir! I suggest that you...\nScott: Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes back for the money.\nCartman: You will? Oh, cool!\nScott: How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?\nCartman: Oh. Uh, lessee. [pulls out some money] I only got six dollars and twelve cents.\nScott: Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... give me the six dollars. [done.] And then I'll... give you the twenty.\nCartman: ...Okay.\nScott: Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give you back two dollars.\nCartman: Right.\nScott: Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll give you the rest of your change back.\nCartman: Cool.\nScott: And then give me the twenty, and I'll give you the pubes. [walks back in the house with his money back]\nCartman: Sweet! [the door closes] Uh. Oh, goddamnit!\nScene Description: Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a \"BIG WAR MOVIE\"\nCartman: That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin' asshole! I'm gonna get him!\nKyle: Cartman, can I give you some advice?\nCartman: What?\nKyle: Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Count all your losses and move on. He's smarter than you.\nCartman: He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!! [the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets]\nKyle: One please.\nStan: One please.\nKenny: (One please.)\nCartman: One please. [with no money, he tries to pay with pubic hair. Nothing happens for a while]\nRick: That'll be six dollars.\nCartman: O-kay, and how much is that in pubes?\nRick: We don't take pubes!\nCartman: Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! Don't you, uh, discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes.\nRick: We don't take pubes!! End of story!!\nCartman: Racist! [takes the pubes and runs off]\nScene Description: Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell again\nCartman: Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South Park! She's all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her poonanner to everybody! You gotta go check it out! I'll watch your house for ya!\nScott: Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here!\nCartman: [stunned] What?\nScott: Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even throw in an extra five! Here! Give me back my pubes!\nCartman: [softly] Wha-? Uh oo [audibly] why do you want then back so much?\nScott: No reason.\nCartman: I don't believe you.\nScott: Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort Collins.\nCartman: Pube fair?\nScott: They're paying five bucks a hair for pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the last bus!\nCartman: Five bucks a hair? The- that's like a million dollars!\nScott: Hehere, take your money!\nCartman: Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going to Fort Collins myself!\nScott: Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!\nCartman: Haha, charade you are, Scott! [runs away quickly]\nScott: Have you no heart??\nScene Description: Bus Terminal, day. Cartman stands in line waiting for a trip to Fort Collins. People are boarding the bus\nCartman: [cuts through the line] Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole! Hahahahaha! [enters the bus]\nScene Description: Bus, evening. The sun has already set and Cartman is still on the bus, en route to Fort Collins\nCartman: Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! Ow!\nScene Description: Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks\nCartman: Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, sir.\nMan: Yes?\nCartman: Can you tell me where the pube fair is?\nMan: The pube fair?\nCartman: Yeah, I have some pubes to sell.\nMan: There's no such thing, you little smartass! [walks away]\nCartman: No- no such thing?\nTeen boy: [approaches with a box] Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric Cart-man, would you?\nCartman: I'm Eric Cartman.\nTeen boy: Well, I think this is for you. [hands it to Cartman and walks away. Cartman sets the box down and opens it. He looks in, and a look of shock is on his face. He reaches in and pulls out... more pubic hair]\nCartman: [screams] Aaah!!!\nScene Description: Scott's house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this time in the rain. Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain, his beanie wrinkling\nCartman: A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had to ride a hundred and six miles in the back of a pickup truck... to get back here\nScott: You really went? What a 'tard.\nCartman: Alright, Scott, you win. I give up.\nScott: You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as I thought.\nCartman: Yeah, I'll see you around. [walks down the steps and towards the street, but stops] Sure is too bad about my grandma, though...\nScott: Your grandma?\nCartman: [turns around] Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your concern, since uh-... well, my grandma's in the hospital. She's very sick. The doctors say unless I can come up with sixteen dollars for her operation, they're gonna put her down.\nScott: Oh. [strokes his chin] Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that.\nCartman: Yeah. Poor grandma...\nScott: Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah, I'll get your money. [through the window, Scott is seen going for the money]\nCartman: [evilly, to himself] Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh. [turns around and returns to the house. Scott returns]\nScott: Here you go.\nCartman: Oh, wow, thanks a lot, Scott! [Scott withholds the money]\nScott: But... just one thing before I give it to you:\nCartman: What?\nScott: I just... well... I want you to beg for it.\nCartman: Huh?\nScott: Just... get down on your knees and- beg me for the money.\nCartman: Why??\nScott: Do you want your grandma to live or not?\nCartman: [looks around to make sure no one else is watching, then quickly] Please Scott give me my money.\nScott: No, no, get down on your knees. [Cartman begins to get on his knees] Lower your head [Cartman lowers it], and say \"I beg you to give me back my money.\"\nCartman: I beg you to give me back my money.\nScott: Now say, \"I'm a little piggy\".\nCartman: What?\nScott: Say it!\nCartman: [looks around] I'm a little piggy.\nScott: [points to his nose] \"Here's my snout.\"\nCartman: [points to his nose] Here's my snout.\nScott: \"Oink oink oink.\"\nCartman: Oink oink oink.\nScott: Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink for me!\nCartman: [looks back angrily for a few seconds, then] I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh] I'm a little piggy; here's - Aalrightalrightalright, now give me back my money!\nScott: You mean this? [Cartman brightens up] You really care that much about sixteen measly dollars? I mean, what can you buy with sixteen dollars? My parents give me a fifty dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance means nothing to me. Watch. [holds the bills out and strikes a lighter under them]\nCartman: What- What are you doing?? [the bills light up and burn from one end to the other. Scott lets the burning bills float away] No!... Wh-why?\nScott: Now you can't bug me for your dumb money! [turns around and enters the house, shutting the door behind him. Cartman then turns and walks towards the street anew. Halfway there, he looks at his mitts, then grows indignant]\nCartman: [yells at the sky] Yaaaarrgh! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! ...Damn youuuuuuuuuu!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, cellar. The kids in class has been reunited for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves\nCartman: [descending the stairs] Concerned citizens, I thank you for coming. [walks to the easel] I know that you are all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman once and for all! [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde!\nClyde: Who's Scott Tenorman?\nKids: Yeah.\nKyle: Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars, and now Cartman's all pissed off.\nCartman: [correcting Kyle] Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He is a disease. He is a cold calculating mind, and I will have revenge!\nButters: Wuh what are you gonna do?\nCartman: Did you guys see that movie \"Hannibal\"? Where the deformed guy trained giant pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, if we find a pony [flips the first page over to reveal a drawing of a pony and takes up the pointer with his left hand], we can train it. Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's wiener. [the other kids just stare back, but Cartman continues] It will be painful and humiliating! Everyone will see it happen! And then, Scott Tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his wiener bitten off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!\nKyle: What's in it for us?\nCartman: What?\nStan: Yeah, why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?\nCartman: Oh, right. Why should we care? [slaps the pointer into his right hand] Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, \"It's not your problem.\" But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, \"You may take our pride, but you'll never take my Goddamned sixteen dollars and twelve cents!!\" [flips to the next page, which has written on it \"$16.12\" with double underline] Now who's with me? [turns around to find only Timmy in the basement]\nTimmy: Timmay!\nCartman: [slaps his forehead and sighs] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy!\nTimmy: Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room. Cartman is stunned, then angry]\nScene Description: A barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out a frank from a bag of wieners and places it in the scarecrow's crotch\nCartman: There we go. [stands aside] Come and get it. [camera pulls back to reveal a pony nearby] ...Come on, pony, bite the wiener. Bite it. [the pony looks, then approaches] Come on, good pony. That's it! [the pony sniffs the wiener] Now, bite it off! Bite off the wiener! Good pony! [the pony bares its teeth... only to start licking the wiener] Oh no, pony, he'll like that.\nJimbo: [rushing up with Ned after eying Cartman in the corral] Eric! Are you training that pony to please you?\nCartman: No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis off. [by this time, the pony is sucking on the wiener]\nJimbo: Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers on sight, you know.\nCartman: He said it was okay.\nJimbo: Alright, then. [turns to walk away, but remembers something] Wait, why the hell are you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off someone's penis?\nCartman: Because [ominously] of Scott Tenorman! I hate him! And I want to make him suffer!\nJimbo: Well, son, I think you have a pretty stupid plan there.\nCartman: [noticing the sucking] Not like that, pony! [slaps the wiener out of its mouth]\nJimbo: Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've gotta think like a hunter. [the pony reaches for the wiener and starts sucking it again]\nCartman: Whattayou mean?\nJimbo: Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 2: Exploit that weakness.\nCartman: How do I do that?\nScene Description: Scott's house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the street. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms in the house. He sees Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters on his wall\nJimbo: [pops up] What do you see? [Ned pops up. All three are in camouflage]\nCartman: I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger red hair and his stupid freckles and his- Goddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!!\nJimbo: No, young hunter. I mean, what do you see? You must learn all you can about your kill.\nCartman: Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. Radiohead posters! And he's reading a magazine about Radiohead!\nJimbo: Ooh, what's a Radiohead?\nCartman: You know, that band that sings that song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner...\nNed: Mmuh, what am I doing here?\nJimbo: Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned!\nCartman: So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan, huh? Maybe I should come up with a [British accent] li'l ol' scheme [normal] that involves them.\nJimbo: Nice thinking, young hunter.\nCartman: Whoa!\nJimbo: What?\nCartman: I'm looking in Scott's parents' room. Scott's mom's about to take off her bra.\nJimbo: What?! Give me those! [rips the binoculars away and looks for himself] Holy crow, he's right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin' the twins out!\nNed: Mn let me see.\nCartman: Radiohead. Yes, of course. [drops down]\nJimbo: Dear God, they're bigger than I ever imagined!\nNed: Let me see. Let me see.\nJimbo: Here you go. [allows Ned to look through the binoculars, and Ned begins to masturbate] Wow, those are great. Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned. Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?\nNed: Kinda.\nJimbo: Well, stop it! [the porch light turns on and Mr. Tenorman walks out the front door. Jimbo and Ned freeze]\nMr. Tenorman: Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?\nJimbo: [hushed] Oh crap!\nMr. Tenorman: Who's out there?\nJimbo: [hushed] Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'!\nNed: I can't.\nMr. Tenorman: Don't think I don't see you! I know who you are and I'm calling the police! [Jimbo and Ned witness other men rise from the pushes and split. Among them are Randy, in a Groucho Marx outfit; Gerald, dressed as a clown; Stuart, with a paper shopping bag over his head; one man in scuba gear, and one more man]\nA man: Whoa, I gotta get out of here! [Mr. Tenorman is left wondering why so many men were there.]\nScene Description: Scott's house, the next day. Cartman returns yet again and rings the doorbell. Scott answers.\nCartman: [cheerfully] Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, Radiohead at all?\nScott: Uh huh.\nCartman: Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' a big interview on MTV, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. [gloats] Everyone's gonna be there!\nScott: Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me.\nCartman: You're welcome, Scott. [turns and walks away]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, night. Cartman stands on a small stage as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers\nCartman: Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is here. Let's play the video, shall we? [activates the screen and then walks off stage]\nKurt Loder: Welcome back to MTV. We're here with the members from Radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now. [Cartman joins the crowd and stands next to Scott, his mood changing from happy to mad] Guys, when is the next album coming out?\nCartman: [has taped over the band's answers with his own - first as Thom Yorke] That's an interesting question, Kurt. But first I'd just like to say that I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. He's stupid. [now as Johnny Greenwood] Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman too. [Now as Ed O'Brien] I think all the guys in the band hate him, right guys?\nCartman: Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott? [Scott looks down, and ponders Cartman's role]\nKurt Loder: And will there be a new tour?\nCartman: [Now as Phil Selway] Well, we would tour, but we just hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we don't want to. [Now as Thom Yorke] Yeah. Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! He's not cool!\nCartman: Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott. [Scott is gone] Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed! Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA! [feedback is heard] What a retard! [the kids around him face right] And now everyone saw it! [looks around]\nScott: [off screen] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the amazing Pube Boy! [moves aside to show an ever bigger TV, which is turned on. Scott has apparently filmed Cartman earlier begging for his money]\nCartman: [on screen] '\"I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink.\"' [the kids begin to laugh hard, then harder. The same clip is shown over and over, and Kenny begins to laugh. Soon he can't control himself, and falls over dead. His ghost appears and continues laughing]\nStan: [looks over at Kenny's corpse] Oh my God, he killed Kenny.\nCartman: [seething with anger] That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman once and for all!!!\nScene Description: That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood at the moment, Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face\nCartman: Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! [goes into whispers and brings out a protractor and a compass] Then... that... [finishes his plan] Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman is going to wish he never met meee!!! [a truly evil grin appears on his face.]\nScene Description: Mr. Denkins' farm, next day. Cartman is back at the corral waiting for his friends. Stan and Kyle walk up.\nKyle: Okay, Cartman, what do you want?\nCartman: Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have it all figured out!\nStan: Got what all figured out?\nCartman: How to get Scott Tenorman back!\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh, Jesus!\nCartman: I just finished planning a brilliant [British accent] li'l scheme [normal] that should put Scott in his place for good! And if you help me, I'll give each of you... two... dollars. [holds out two fingers]\nKyle: Okay, so what's the plan?\nCartman: It's the brilliant combination of my last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite band is Radiohead, right?\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: So, I realized, 'What if we got Radiohead to come here to South Park?' right? Then they could meet Scott Tenorman - and - see him get his wiener bitten off by a pony! [camera pulls back to reveal the setup: pony, scarecrow with wiener attached to groin]\nKyle: ...What?\nCartman: Don't you see? If I can get this pony to bite off Scott's wiener in front of Radiohead, then Scott would cry. And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna die!! [laughs demonically] Okay, I'll keep working on the pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play here! Ready? Break!! [nothing happens for a few seconds]\nKyle: You're such a dumbass, Cartman. [he and Stan turn and walk away]\nCartman: ...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys just watch!! [walks over to the pony] Ready, pony? [the pony nods] Bite it! [the pony bites off a piece of the wiener] Yes!! [exults]\nScene Description: London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail\nJohnny: Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do.\nThom: Just a second, fellas. Listen to this: Dear Radiohead, My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday around 5.\nPhil: Wow, we have to go.\nEd: To Colorado? But we have an album to mix.\nThom: Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!\nScene Description: Scott's house, day. A phone rings. Scott answers it in the living room.\nScott: Hello?\nKyle: [voice at other end] Scott Tenorman?\nScott: What do you want?\nKyle: We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman, the fourth grader, is going' to try and trick you somehow into getting your wiener bitten off by a pony who lives at Denkins' ranch.\nScott: How do you know?\nKyle: 'Cause, we're his friends.\nScott: Then why are you telling me?\nKyle: 'Cause we hate him.\nScott: Oh.\nKyle: Well, we just thought we'd let you know. See ya.\nScott: See ya. [the doorbell rings. Scott walks over to open the door]\nScene Description: At the front door\nCartman: [with tickets in hand] Hello, Scott!\nScott: Hey.\nCartman: I was just stopping by to invite you to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili cook-off with rides. [shows him the face of the ticket] Everyone's coming, and I wanted to drop by your invitation personally!\nScott: Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds great.\nCartman: [getting smug] Yeah! There is even gonna be a big surprise, so you won't wanna miss it, Scott. Oh, and here! Here's a coupon good for one free pony ride!\nScott: Wow, a pony ride. Neat.\nCartman: Oh, it will be very neat, Scott.\nScott: Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What more could I want?\nCartman: [under his breath] A little penis-biting, perhaps?\nScott: What?\nCartman: Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come for sure then, Scott?\nScott: How can I turn it down?\nCartman: Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott. [Scott turns around and closes the door] Ohoho, you are good, Eric. You are very, very good. [leaves]\nScene Description: back in the living room\nScott: Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric at the door? He told me that there's a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's been abandoned.\nMrs. Tenorman: Oh dear.\nScott: Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't know how I can help it, because I have a lot of homework to do.\nMr. Tenorman: [drops his paper. Both parents rise] Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your mom and I can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter.\nMrs. Tenorman: We sure can.\nScott: Wow, would you really? I feel so much better now.\nMrs. Tenorman: [hugs him] Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring boy. I'm so proud of you.\nScott: I'm proud of you, too, Mom.\nMrs. Tenorman: Let's go, hon. [heads for the door]\nMr. Tenorman: Let's. [follows her out]\nScene Description: In the kitchen. Scott is cooking up something... his friends arrive\nBuddy 1: What are you doing, Scott?\nScott: What's it look like? I'm making chili. Did you bring the goods?\nBuddy 2: [holds out a bag full of hair] We got everyone we could find to chip in. [his friend giggles] There are pubes from just about every single kid in town.\nScott: Awesome! [yanks the bag away, opens it, and mixes the pubes into the chili]\nBuddy 1: Oh, dude!\nScott: The little fat kid thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how he likes it when I tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town!\nBuddy 2: Yeah! [hi-fives Scott, and the three laugh heartily]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. People have already arrived. Stan and Kyle walk up\nCartman: [steps out of the ticket booth to greet them] Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival!\nStan: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Cartman.\nCartman: [smug] Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks!\nKyle: Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. [looks at Stan, who's smiling]\nCartman: What's so funny?\nStan: Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead here yet?\nCartman: Not yet, but they will be.\nKyle: Yeah, sure. [As Chef arrives, Stan and Kyle leave]\nChef: Hello, Eric!\nCartman: Hey, Chef.\nChef: I made some chili to enter into the contest.\nCartman: What contest?\nChef: This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?\nCartman: Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Chef, just put it over here.\nChef: It's my special recipe.\nCartman: [seeing Scott, interrupts. Slowly and sweetly] Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott? Thanks so much for coming! [Scott holds a small container of chili]\nScott: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.\nCartman: [overjoyed] Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony!\nScott: Just a second: don't you- wanna taste my chili first?\nCartman: Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive.\nScott: Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize.\nCartman: [sighs silently] Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. [Scott leaves] Goddamnit!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their seats. Behind Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends. Behind Cartman stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token\nScott: [setting his plate before Cartman] Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?\nCartman: [inspecting the dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine. [hands his plate to Scott, who takes it to his end of the table and starts eating]\nScott: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it.\nCartman: Alright. [takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moments] Hey, this is great! [Stan and Kyle stifle giggles]\nScott: Eh, it's a special recipe.\nCartman: [begins to wolf down the food] Gawh, this is really good, Scott!\nScott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you.\nCartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]\nScott: What?!\nCartman: Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the \"starving\" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down]\nMr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.\nScott: My... mom and dad are... dead? [A shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]\nCartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away. The pony munches at some grass] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behnd Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it, \"Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili.\"\nScott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away] Oh my God!! [vomits off to the side]\nCartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are way stunned]\nStan: Jesus Christ, dude!\nScott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! NOOO!! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]\nThom: Uhm, excuse me?\nStan: Who are you?\nJohnny: We're that band, Radiohead.\nScott: [raises his head] Jesus!\nEd: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!\nColin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??\nThom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.\nEd: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]\nThom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.\nPhil: Little crybaby!\nScott: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! [buries his face in the table and bawls again] Noooo!\nCartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.\nKyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.\nStan: Good call.\nCartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy you guys! [the iris common to Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons appears, with fanfare] Yuppitibut, that's all, folks! [waves]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman and his friends sit on the sofa watching TV\nAnnouncer: [voice only] And so, in her career filled with lies, backstabbing, and whoring herself for money, [shot of the TV, with the camera panning up to reveal Punky Brewster sitting in a director's chair] she learned that the price of fame can be pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley. [image of Punky makes room for the show's logo on the right side] And so ends \"Punky Brewster, Behind The Blow.\"\nCartman: Whoa, bummer, dude.\nKyle: Okay, dude, it's 3:30. [Cartman changes the channel]\nAnnouncer 2: [Shot of TV as \"The Terrance & Phillip Show\" begins] It's time for the Terrance & Phillip Show!\nThe Boys: Yay!\nPhillip: Excuse me, buddy.\nTerrance: Why, did you fart? [farts] Oh, no! [both laugh]\nStan: Oh man, this is another rerun.\nCartman: Are you sure? I haven't seen it.\nKyle: Yeah, fatass, this is their famous Mechanic sketch.\nPhillip: I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage?\nTerrance: Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go down to the [faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart. Whatever Terrance is saying is drowned out by the fart], and that's how you [boys join in] get to the auto garage!\nPhillip: Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting?\nTerrance: Sure. You go the same way [Kyle chimes in] except stick your finger up your ass.\nPhillip: No no no! I mean, could you tell me the directions again without you farting?\nTerrance: OOOH! Sure! Just stick your finger up my ass.\nPhillip: Alright, no problem, buddy. [Terrance lowers his pants enough to show his ass; Phillip sticks his finger in there] Now, tell me: How do I get to the auto garage to see a mechanic?\nTerrance: [now wearing a mechanic's hat] You're at the auto garage. I am the mechanic.\nPhillip: Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic?\nStan: Because I had an itch up my ass.\nTerrance: Because I had an itch up my ass. [the two laugh, then the boys laugh, then the laughter dies down. Terrance farts again, and they both laugh as the camera's iris shuts slowly.]\nScene Description: Cut to next scene, where they are working on toilet plumbing\nTerrance: Terrance & Phillip will be right back...\nPhillip:: ...after these messages. [toilet water erupts from the toilet and blows them off camera]\nScene Description: Cut to Cartman's living room\nStan: When are they gonna make new ones?\nAnnouncer 3: [On TV, \"HEY KIDS!!,\" white on green, appears and gets bigger, then dances on a blinking background] Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year! This Thursday night at the Denver Coliseum, see Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person! [\"Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person\" appears, then Terrance and Phillip flank the text on either side]\nStan: What's this?\nAnnouncer 3: [scenes from various episodes appear] One night and one night only, see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits live! [Kenny starts babbling incoherently]\nKyle: Oh my God!\nCartman: [running in circles] You guys! Hey you guys! You guys!\nStan: Enough! I know!\nAnnouncer: To order tickets, call TicketSlave NOW!! [a crawl at the bottom of the screen, black on red, reads \"CALL NOW! 555-TIXS\"]\nKyle: Write the number down! Write the number down!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is ready to start, the kids are in their seats. Kyle rushes to his seat\nStan: Dude! Did you get 'em?\nKyle: I got 'em! Four tickets, 68th row, to Terrance and Phillip! I waited in line since 3 this morning!\nCartman: Awesome! Give me mine! [Kyle gives them out]\nButters: Wow, yuh-you guys ore gonna see Terrance and Phillip Live?\nStan: Yep. Tomorrow night.\nMs. Choksondik: [enters and goes before the chalkboard] Alright, children, let's settle down. As you know, this coming Friday is Earth Day. [writes it on the board] and I'm pleased to announce that the national Earth Day organization has chosen South Park as its location for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival.\nClass: Oohh.\nMs. Choksondik: The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing organization are here to tell you all about it. [moves aside for the heads. Two men and a woman come in, each of them sporting a bow on the left lapel.]\nOlder man: Hello children, I know you're all very excited about having the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival put on in your town.\nYounger man: [slowly waves his left forearm in a broad arc, to the left, palm out] You care very much about the earth, don't you?\nClass: Yes.\nOlder man: Good, because it's up to all of you to get lots of people to come.and make it look great. The festival is on Friday, so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night. [the boys stir and the camera closes in]\nKyle: What??\nYounger man: We've all gotta pitch in.\nStan: Ah, I'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night.\nCartman, Kyle, Kenny: Yeah.\nOlder man: You... what??\nKyle: Well we got tickets to see Terrance and Phillip Live in Denver tomorrow night. We paid forty bucks apiece for them.\nOlder man: And Terrance and Phillip are more important than Mother Earth?\nCartman: Well yeah, dude.\nOlder man: [slowly waves his left forearm in a broad arc, to the left, palm out] You don't care about Terrance and Phillip. [the boys stare back] Nothing matters more than saving the planet from Republicans. [draws close and repeats the arm movement] You don't need to see Terrance and Phillip.\nStan: No, dude, we really, really do.\nOlder man: [to the woman at his left, whispers] Their will is strong.\nMs. Choksondik: I'm sorry, boys, but nothing's more important than Earth Day.\nKyle: [fielding] Uhuh, but that's why we're going.\nStan: Huh?\nKyle: See, w-we're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club. A- and... we're... going to see them tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform at the Earth Day festival.\nYounger man: You can get Terrance and Phillip to perform? [to the older man] That would be great. Terrance and Phillip would draw huge ratings from children all over the country.\nOlder man: Very well, kids; we'll work on getting the event ready here, and you go get Terrance and Phillip.\nThe Boys: All right!\nOlder man: [ominously] But I warn you: You'd better not promise things to Earth Day people that you can't deliver. Earth Day people can be... eheheh very unforgiving.\nKyle: [the boys look sufficiently scared] Heheh, heh, no problem, heh. No problem!\nScene Description: Denver Coliseum, the following night. The place is packed and music plays in the background. The boys all sport their Terrance and Phillip shirts, as do some other kids.\nAnnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen! [the kids cheer and hoot. Spotlights wash over the audience, their beams moving around aimlessly] Put your hands together for... Terrance! [only one spotlight remains on, illuminating the mic, and the music cuts off]\nTerrance: [approaches the mic from behind the curtains] Hellooo, Den-ver! [the roar of the audience fades quickly as they see only Terrance there, and he's not quite himself. A smattering of applause follows]\nKyle: Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat.\nStan: Yeah, he looks terrible.\nTerrance: How are we all feeling tonight? Pretty good? Uh oh. [Terrance farts and the audience claps awkwardly] Hey, do you all remember this one? \"Doctor, doctor. I think I cracked my ass.\" \"Reallih? Let me take a look.\" \"Look closer.\" [farts, and laughs]\nStan: Uuuuhh.\nCartman: Where the hell is Phillip?! Phil-lip!\nCartman, Kyle: Phil-lip!\nAudience: Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip!\nTerrance: [\"Phil-lip! Phil-lip!\"] And now, for some classic Terrance and Phillip comedy! [the crowd cheers and music plays a bit]\nPhillip Stand-in: Hello Terrance.\nTerrance: Hello Phillip.\nStan: Phillip? That's not Phillip.\nTerrance: Say, Phillip, I have a question for you.\nPhillip Stand-in: Ho-okay, shoot. [bends down to receive the fart. Terrance bends over and farts on \"Phillip's\" face. They both laugh]\nKyle: Dude, what the hell is going on?! Why did they replace Phillip?\nCartman: I think this new guy's funny.\nTerrance: And now here's a classic Terrance and Phillip sketch that I wrote back in '62. [he and his partner pull out top hats]\nPhillip Stand-in: Excuse me, sir. Do you know Who farted?\nTerrance: He sure did.\nPhillip Stand-in: What's the person's name?\nTerrance: Who.\nPhillip Stand-in: The guy that farted!\nTerrance: Who!\nPhillip Stand-in: The person that passed gas!\nTerrance: Who passed gas!\nPhillip Stand-in: Now, why are you asking me?\nTerrance: That's the man's name?\nPhillip Stand-in: That's Who's name?\nTerrance: Yes!\nPhillip Stand-in: Something very terrible has happened in the world of Terrance and Phillip, and we've got to find out what.\nPhillip Stand-in: Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find out is What's the guy's name that farted?\nTerrance: Right, the guy that drank his own urine.\nPhillip Stand-in: Who?\nScene Description: Denver Coliseum, later. Stan and his friends walk down the corridors backstage, heading to Terrance's dressing room\nStan: Come on, guys, we're getting to the bottom of this. [they reach the dressing room, but a bouncer stands in the way] 'Scuse us.\nBouncer: Where do you think you're going?\nKyle: We have to talk to Terrance.\nBouncer: Hyeah, right.\nStan: It's okay. We're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip fan club.\nBouncer: Then get in the \"Official Presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club\" line. [points to the line, which has a lot more kids waiting to see Terrance. The boys turn to see...]\nCartman: Aw, dude, gay!\nStan: You don't understand! We saved Terrance and Phillip's lives once.\nBouncer: You and about a thousand other people at one time or another. Now, get out of my face! [the boys head for the end of the line]\nCartman: Racist! [a boy wearing glasses watches the foursome approach. The boys fall in]\nStan: Man, this sucks!\nBoy in glasses: [quite timidly] Are you guys official presidents, too?\nCartman: Don't talk to us, kid.\nKyle: Hey! Look at that line! [a post next to it reads \"FEMALE GROUPIES AND OTHER RANDOM SLUTS\" An obese woman stands last in line] It's way shorter.\nStan: I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts.\nCartman: Kenny's a random slut. [a look of anger flashes across Kenny's face]\nKyle: Well, maybe we can sneak in over there. Come on. [moves to the other line. His friends follow.] Sshh. [stretches the fat woman's pants enough so that all four of them climb in and disappear under her fat]\nScene Description: Terrance's dressing room. He and a groupie are making out on the sofa, both moaning.\nTerrance: Mmm. Mmm, yummy. [spanks her twice] Mmm. [they separate a bit]\nGroupie: It was so great meeting you. I feel like we really shared something.\nTerrance: We sure did, baby. [stands her up quickly and she looks back, disappointed in his reaction] Next? [the obese woman comes in happily]\nObese Woman: [voice trembling] Hello Terrance. I'm such a huuuge fan.\nTerrance: You're a huge fan alright!\nObese Woman: Can I just have you sign my breasts?\nTerrance: But what do I get in return?\nObese Woman: Whatever you want. [starts making out with him]\nTerrance: Oh yeah. [lays down on the sofa, under her] Oh, that's good, baby.\nObese Woman: Oh, Terrance, I love you.\nTerrance: You like that? [the woman unzips his pants, then her own]\nObese Woman: I love you! [coitus ensues]\nTerrance: Yeah.\nObese Woman: I LOVE you!\nTerrance: Ah good.\nObese Woman: I LOVE YOU!!\nTerrance: Yeah-\nBoth: [reaching climax] OH!!! [Cartman leaps out the back of the woman's pants]\nCartman: Agh! Wough! Man, it smells down there! [Terrance and the woman stand up]\nTerrance: Jesus Christ! That was fast! Well, what should we name it? How about Jerry?\nObese woman: What the hell? [the other three boys climb out]\nTerrance: Oh wow! We had quadruplets! [the woman throws up her arms and runs out screaming]\nStan: We're not quadruplets, Terrance. We snuck in that woman's spandex to get in here.\nTerrance: Oh! Thank God. The last thing I need is more kids. [gets a pen and paper] What do you want, an autograph or something?\nKyle: Nuh, it's more important than that. Our school is putting on a big show for Earth Day, and we promised people we could get you to perform.\nTerrance: Earth Day, huh? That sounds like a very noble cause. How much does it pay?\nStan: But where's Phillip?\nTerrance: [crosses his arms and looks mad] Who?\nKyle: Phillip, your partner.\nTerrance: Why is it that every time somebody sees me they have to say, \"Hey, where's Phillip?\" Like we're freaking married or something! You know, I'll let you tater-tots in on a little secret: Phillip is a HACK! [shot of the boys listening] You know who wrote all the Terrance and Phillip stuff? ME! Phillip never did anything but read his lines!\nKyle: But the guy who replaced him sucks!\nTerrance: Ah, I know. [sulks away from the sofa] I know he sucks [walks to his dresser and mirror. The boys are seen in the reflection] To be honest, things haven't been going so well lately. I'm not making any money because everyone wants to see Phillip. Why? What the hell does Phillip do?\nStan: Because, dude, it's Terrance and Phillip.\nTerrance: Ogh, whatever. [turns around to face the boys] The point is, Phillip and I are through. [wistfully] And apparently, so is the act. And so is the money.\nStan: What if we can get Phillip to agree to get back together. Will you do the Earth Day show for us?\nTerrance: HA! Goood luck getting Phillip! He left because he wanted to do [does a quote with his index and middle fingers from both hands] \"more serious\" stuff. Last I heard, he was doing Canadian Shakespeare in Toronto.\nKenny: (Toronto?)\nKyle: [pleading] But we promised the Earth Day people you'd perform.\nTerrance: Well, in that case, I'd say you four boys are up Fart Creek without a paddle. [the boys look at each other in dismay]\nScene Description: \"South Park: Home of Earth Day Celebration 2001,\" day. Booths are being set up for the festival. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make their rounds\nOlder man: [through a bullhorn] Work! Work, children! We only have two more days until Earth Day! Work!\nClyde: Ah, excuse me? My daddy is a geologist and he says there actually isn't any concrete evidence of global warming.\nOlder man: That's not true. [waves his right forearm slowly to the right, palm out] Global warming is going to kill us all. [repeats the arm movement] The Republicans are responsible.\nClyde: Thank you. [turns and returns to work. Stan and friends come in from the other direction and stop at a sign announcing Terrance and Phillip: \"TERRANCE & PHILLIP As Promised By KYLE AND HIS FRIENDS\"]\nStan: Oh no, dude.\nOlder man: [arriving with his assistants] Oh, there you are, boys. I need Terrance and Phillip's information so I can tell them their schedule.\nKyle: Uuuh, we didn't get them.\nOlder man: [gravely] You what?\nStan: They're not together anymore, dude.\nYounger man: You'd better be joking. We've already announced their participation.\nKyle: Look, we could we could probably get Terrance, but he'll be performing with this other guy.\nOlder man: You promised us Terrance and Phillip! We therefore promised the WORLD Terrance and Phillip! You WILL get us Terrance and Phillip, or else!\nStan: But there's nothing we can do. Phillip is doing Shakespeare in Canada now.\nOlder man: Then you'd better get your asses to Canada and GET him. We'll make travel arrangements. [the three of them start to move away] Nothing is more important than the environment, boys. Not even your lives. [leaves]\nKyle: Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada.\nCartman: Weak.\nPhillip: Ahhh [leaps on his rival, and both lose their swords. The two scuffle on the floor for a few seconds. Phillip's rival fends him off, but Phillip picks up the rival's sword and wounds him with it. We soon learn this is Act 5, Scene 2 of the play, the finale. And so...]\nKing Claudius: Part them; they are incensed.\nHamlet: [Phillip] Nay, come, again.\nQueen Gertrude: Aaaah! [falls]\nOsric: [steps forth.] Look to the queen there, buddih! [Hamlet looks over his left shoulder]\nHoratio: They bleed on both sides. [Hamlet goes to check on the Queen] How is it, my lord?\nOsric: How is't, Laertes?\nLaertes: Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric;I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery.\nHamlet: How does the queen?\nKing Claudius: Hey guy, she swounds to see them bleed, buddih. [in the audience Stan and Kyle sigh deeply and Kenny plays with a toy plane, Cartman is asleep]\nQueen Gertrude: No, no, the drink, the drink,-O my dear Hamlet,-The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. Blagh! [dies]\nHamlet: O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:Treachery! Seek it out.\nLaertes: [genuflects next to the poisoned sword] It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain; No medicine in the world can do thee good; In thee there is not half an hour of life; The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, unbated and envenom'd: the foul practice hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd: I can no more: the king, the king's to blame.\nHamlet: [picks up the poisoned sword] The point!-envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work, buddih! [Stabs King Claudius]\nAll: Treason! treason!\nKing Claudius: O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.\nHamlet: Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, drink off this potion. Is thy union here? Follow my mother.\nKing Claudius: Blagh! [dies]\nLaertes: He is served;It is a poison temper'd by himself.Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. Blagh! [dies]\nHamlet: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee, guy. I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu! You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddih, That are but mutes or audience to this act, [chuckles] Had I but time-as this fell sergeant, death, Is strict in his arrest-O, I could tell you, buddih-But let it be. Horatio, I am dead; Thou livest, guy; report me and my cause aright, to the unsatisfied. [chuckles]\nHoratio: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left, buddih.\nStan: Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is this thing ever gonna end? [Kenny continues playing with his plane]\nHamlet: ...he has my dying voice;So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,Which have solicited. The rest is silence. Blagh. [dies]\nHoratio: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddih!...\nScene Description: The parking lot. The play has ended. Phillip reaches his car with square tires. Stan and the boys chase him down\nStan: [reaching Phillip] Phillip! Phillip!\nPhillip: Yes?\nStan: Our town in Colorado was chosen to host Earth Day this year and... we need a big act.\nPhillip: Oh, really? This run of Hamlet is closing down, I'm afraid. We could take it there.\nStan: [stammering] Ah, well, we were thinking how cool it would be if you and Terrance got back together for a reunion and-\nPhillip: AH! Stop right there! I'm not doin' nothin' with that fatass egomaniac!\nStan: But we need you!\nPhillip: Ah, I'm sick of him taking credit for all the work and not letting me change the act. It's old and stale! I mean, do you really think that fart jokes are funny for that long? [farts and laughs despite himself]\nCartman: Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents!\nPhillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.\nStan: He'll do it, dude.\nKyle: Ah, look, Phillip. Everyone in South Park just wants to see your serious side.\nPhillip: What?\nThe other boys: What?\nKyle: They told us that \"Phillip. He's the one with talent. Just get him for Earth Day.\"\nPhillip: Really? Well that sounds interesting. How much does it pay?\nStan: Two thousand dollars.\nPhillip: [opens the driver-side door] I'm in! Here, call me at this number with the details. [hands Stan a business card] Gotta run! [peels away]\nStan: Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would be there.\nKyle: I didn't see he wouldn't be there, either. Look, all we have to do is get them there, right? Once Terrance and Phillip get together again, it'll be like old times.\nCartman: Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.\nKyle: [silent for a bit, then] Ih-it'll be okay.\nScene Description: South Park, day. The kids put finishing touches on the various booths. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make their rounds again\nOlder man: [through a bullhorn] Work faster! Faster, children! Earth Day is coming! [they approach and ascend a stage set up for Terrance and Phillip. Stan and friends are already there, waiting] Well, boys, it's rehearsal time, and your Terrance and Phillip haven't shown up.\nKyle: They said they'd come.\nStan: I'm sure they'll be here any minute.\nOlder man: [moves to stand behind the boys with his assistants flanking him] Maybe you kids don't understand how important Earth Day is for the future of our planet. Maybe you need some convincing. Carl? [the younger man, now known as Carl, takes an Earth Day meat cleaver and chops off Kenny's left hand]\nKenny: (AAAAHH!)\nStan: Oh my God!\nPhillip: [arriving] Excuse me, is this where the Earth Day crap is happening?\nKyle: He's here! [Stan and Cartman smile]\nOlder man: Oh. Very good. Mr. Phillip, I am Jack Farliss, head of the Earth Day Committee. Thank you for being part of this important event.\nPhillip: Whatever. Where's my check? [Terrance enters from the other side of the stage.]\nTerrance: Alright, I'm here. Where do I-?\nPhillip: [angrily] What's HE doing here?\nJack: Alright, let's do a rehearsal so that the camera crew can get a look at it. [a zoom-out shows Terrance and Phillip facing away from each other]\nKyle: Uhhh-woo wow! Isn't this great? You guys seeing each other again?\nStan: Ee yeah, you must have a lot of catching up to do. But let's rehearse first.\nPhillip: So, this is your dong, huh, Terrance?!\nTerrance: My doing?? These kids called me and said it was your idea and that you wanted to apologize.\nKyle: Please, you guys. This is for Earth Day. [moves his left forearm, palm out, from right to left] You care about Mother Earth, don't you?\nPhillip: Well, what the hell? I already flew all the way out here. But I want my check made out to me, not both of us!\nTerrance: Ditto!\nStan: Fine! [the boys leave the stage]\nKyle: See? I told you it would work. [the boys take their places before the committee]\nJack: Alright, we'll come off the speech about the dying whales, and thennn, action!\nTerrance: Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass.\nPhillip: Really? Let me take a look.\nTerrance: Look closer. [poots]\nKyle.: [encouraging, claps] Haha, hahahaha. Hahaha.\nPhillip: Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet. Thou dost protes-\nTerrance: [interrupts] Uh. What? That's not the line, asshole!\nPhillip: You're right. It's a better one, asshole!\nTerrance: Just do the bit right, dickface!\nPhillip: Why don't you go eat some more pudding, you fatass drug addict?!\nTerrance: I may be fat but at least I didn't get hair plugs!\nPhillip: That's it! I ain't doin' nothin' with Kuko the Whale!\nTerrance: I never needed you in the first place, yuh hack! [moves off the stage, left]\nKyle: You can't leave! The show starts soon!\nJack: Boys, you've got... three hours to get those two back together. Do I need to remind you what will happen if you don't? Carl! [Carl pulls out the cleaver again and chops off Kenny's right hand.]\nKenny: (OOOWWW!)\nKyle: You bastards!\nJack: Good luck, boys. [He, Carl, and the woman walk away. The boys move towards Kenny]\nCartman: We've got to get them back together, you guys. They could do this to us.\nScene Description: South Park, later. Media has come in to cover the event: \"Terrance & Phillip Earth Day Brainwashing Festival\"\nReporter: [a woman on stage sings and plays a guitar] Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Earth Day 2001 is in full force. [one shot of the booths] Environmental awareness games, booths, and of course, [a shot of more booths] the entertainment on stage, which is being broadcast live all over the country. This eco-happy crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip, who are promised by these four boys. [an inset of the boys appears over the reporter's left shoulder]\nJack: [takes the mic as the singer leaves] What a touching and true song. You know, it's true. [sweeps his left forearm, palmout, from right to left] Republicans are ruining the earth.\nCrowd: [repeating] Republicans are ruining the earth.\nJack: Alright. Well, I think I know why most of you tuned in today. How about some Earth Day entertainment?! [the crowd cheers and claps. Jack gives the mic to Kyle and walks off. Stan has left the stage]\nKyle: Hooray for the earth! We must protect it. [the crowd nose dies down] And now, as promised, here are TERRANCE AND PHILLIP, on video! [Stan hands a tape to a camera man, who puts it into a VCR and starts it.]\nCarl: On video? [the curtains part on stage, revealing \"EARTH DAY 2001\"]\nNarrator: They were considered the best comedy act in all of Canada. [a shot of the duo, then another of them with Tony Orlando and Dawn] But a fast-paced rocket ride to success would bring them to the depths of despair. [a shot of Terrance, slumped over his couch, then of the show's logo, with vigorous music] This is Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.\nCrowd: Wow!\nCarl: [approaching the boys] What the hell do you call this?! [Jack and the woman show up]\nKyle: Eh it's \"Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.\" I taped it last month.\nJack: We promised people Terrance and Phillip, not a video documentary! You've ruined the earth for the last time, boys! [Carl wields the cleaver one more time, and it reads \"Earth Day Cleaver 2001.\" The boys make a run for it]\nThe Boys: Aaaahh! [they run behind the crowd as the committee pursues them]\nNarrator: [the show resumes] Terrance was born Terrance Henry Stoot, in the small Canadian village of Toronto. [shown with his parents. Mom is a Mountie, Dad seems to be a lumberjack] At a very early age his parents noticed an uncanny musical ability and decided to enroll him in the Canadian School for gifted babies. [a shot of Terrance playing a xylophone, then of the school building, then of Terrance in a class picture with other toddlers] It was here that he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle [soon highlighted], a brash young baby from Montreal. [a shot of a poster announcing their next performance] Together, they performed musical acts that stunned Canadians everywhere. [stock footage of Las Vegas in the 1960s] At the tender age of six, Terrance and Phillip were off to the United States to perform on the Ed Sullivan show [stock footage of the building the show was filmed at]. where American audiences would be exposed to Canadians for the first time.\nEd Sullivan: [arms folded over his chest] And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have two adorable little boys from Canada. Please put your hands together for the music of young Terrance and Phillip. [fanfare, audience claps as the two boys are shown in Canadian Mountie dress. They begin their song and dance]\nTerrance & Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham, Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham. Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!\nWoman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?!\nMan: It's alright, darling, they're just Canadian.\nWoman: Oooh.\nTerrance & Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham, Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham. Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!\nNarrator: The Canadian act confused American audiences. [one person claps. Ed looks disappointed] But then something happened that would change Terrance and Phillip's act forever. [Phillip farts. A man and woman laugh, and soon the audience joins in. Ed claps joyfully as well. The crowd is soon roaring with cheers and then Terrance farts in return. More laughter and cheers] It was the birth of Canadian comedy. [a shot of Terrance and Phillip using their fart routine in their music act, a shot of them with President Gerald Ford] Terrance and Phillip spent the next several years perfecting their art, and meeting some of America's most influential people. [a shot of the audience looking at the video, from the back of the audience]\nPhillip: [approaches Mr. Garrison] Excuse me, which way is the bus station? [still mad, carries a suitcase]\nMr. Garrison: Hey, you're the guy on the screen. [points to the stage]\nPhillip: What? [looks at the screen]\nNarrator: But it was in 1974, on the Sonny & Cher Show, that Terrance and Phillip finally started to mix their Canadian humor with deep political insight. [splashy shots of the Sonny & Cher Show]\nSonny: You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans don't know much about Canada.\nCher: [garbled somewhat] Well, a lot of us real Americans aren't as stupid and short as you, hm. [the audience laughs]\nSonny: Please put your groovy hands together for the young and talented Terrance and Phillip! [applause and music as the duo come on]\nPhillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this cold war.\nTerrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts in his direction, and they both laugh. The audience laughs along]\nPhillip: That's better. [farts on Terrance's face, and they both laugh, and the audience joins in. Terrance farts on Phillip's face and they both laugh. The audience laughs some more. Terrance farts on Cher and Phillip farts on Sonny]\nNarrator: With this bold mix of humor and political insight, the world couldn't get enough of Terrance and Phillip. [the shot of Terrance and Phillip with Tony Orlando and Dawn] But their fame would come at a price, when Behind the Blow continues.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, front. The boys stop there to catch their breaths\nStan: [panting] Okay. Okay, I think we lost them.\nKyle: Jesus, man, those Earth Day people don't screw around!\nCartman: Kyle, none of this would be happening if you hadn't LIED in the first place! You lied, and then you lied to cover up your lie!\nKyle: I didn't see you complaining at the time, fat boy!\nStan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.\nCarl: [off-screen] There they are! [the boys react and are off running]\nKyle: Haaah! [Carl chops off Kenny's left leg to the knee]\nKenny: (Aahhh!)\nStan: Go! Run run run! [Kyle wails, Kenny keeps up somehow]\nScene Description: South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues\nNarrator: [a shot of Terrance and Phillip with three Playboy Bunnies] As they entered their late teens, Terrance and Phillip were already starting to taste the sweet milk of success. [a shot of Terrance and Phillip propped up as scarecrows out on a field] But the price of fame was looming, as Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues. [a shot of Johnny Carson laughing it up with Terrance and Phillip] The '70s and '80s were a good time for young Terrance and Phillip. [a shot of the Donny and Marie Show with Terrance and Phillip cavorting in the background] Their act on the Donny and Marie Show earned them a Nobel Peace Prize. They were on the cover of every magazine. [The Times, Teen Heat] And then in 1998, even a Saturday morning cartoon was made, based on Terrance and Phillip. [From episode #102, \"Terrance and Phillip and the Land of the Goat People.\" The camera pans an alien landscape, from a star in the sky to a pair of muscular men in spandex space suits] Terrance and Phillip themselves supplied the voices.\nPhillip: Say Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?\nTerrance: I don't know, Phillip. It looks like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.\nPhillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts, and they both laugh]\nGoat leader: [approaches with his tribe] As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.\nPhillip: Wow, that sucks. [he and Terrance laugh. The dialog continues as the narrator speaks]\nNarrator: The cartoon was such a huge success that it started to breed confusion over whether Terrance and Phillip were animated characters or real people. And so, in 1998, [a shot of them working on a script] the comedy team started work on what they thought would be their greatest achievement: A made-for-TV movie written by and starring Terrance and Phillip, called \"Not Without My Anus.\" [a shot of the duo on the Metro, then the opening logo is shown, then shots of the episode itself] It was their biggest project to date. But it had the misfortune of being scheduled on a night when a different and more popular show, the John Schneider Variety Hour [a shot of John singing], was supposed to air. When fans tuned in to see John Schneider and instead were treated to the Canadian made-for-TV movie [a clip of Terrance and Phillip on the Metro], they were enraged, bewildered, and scared. [a shot of the HBC building in flames] The fans revolted and burned down the network, killing six television producers and wounding twelve others. [a shot of the dead and wounded, another of rioting] The hatred of Terrance and Phillip had begun. Terrance fell into a deep depression and started abusing wood polish. [Terrance sits slumped over his sofa with a small can of polish at his feet] Phillip beat up an angry six-year-old fan and was sued for six million dollars. It was the first time the duo tasted failure [a shot of teen Terrance and Phillip superimposed on a burning HBC building], and it nearly killed them both.\nTerrance: [moves into view, looking at the video] What's going on here? [he's behind and next to Mr. Mackey]\nMr. Mackey: Sh. We're watching \"Behind the Blow,\" m'kay.\nScene Description: South Park. The boys run past Tom's Rhinoplasty, with the Earth Day Committee in hot pursuit\nStan: Come on, Kenny, hurry up!\nScene Description: South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues. A shot of Mr. Garrison and Phillip\nNarrator: [a shot of Terrance on a yellow sofa, drunk and unkempt, attempting to hammer himself to death] After years of depression and suicide attempts, Terrance and Phillip finally decided to get together [another shot of them working on a script] for one last film: [a poster for Asses of Fire is shown, then the camera zooms on on the duo in the car] the 1999 hit, Asses of Fire. It was one of the highest-grossing films of the summer. [shots of the duo singing and dancing in the street, during \"Uncle Fucka\"] And though the film also started the Canadian-American War of 1999 [shots of the war], in which eight million people lost their lives, the film was considered a great success. [a shot of Terrance and Phillip holding an Oscar] After almost being executed by the American government [a shot of the attempted execution], Terrance and Phillip were eventually returned to Canada [they are shown getting off the plane, with the captain waving at them from behind], where they were touted as heroes. [a shot of Phillip looking at the video] They have been to hell and back, through the very best and the very worst of times, together, but they had seen it through. [a shot of the duo being hoisted above the crowd, Terrance holding a golden cup.] And so ends Terrance and Phillip, Behind the Blow. [the audience cheers and claps. Terrance walks up to Phillip, still with suitcase]\nPhillip: Terrance...\nTerrance: Oh, Phillip. You're still here, too.\nPhillip: I was just watching this video, I ah-. You know, I've never seen it before.\nTerrance: [pause] Me neither.\nPhillip: [pause] We sssure did go through a lot together.\nTerrance: We sure did.\nPhillip: [drops the suitcase and makes a move] Terrance, I-\nTerrance: No. No, Phillip, don't say it. I was an asshole, and this is mostly my fault.\nPhillip: That's what I was gonna say: You were an asshole, and this is mostly your fault. [awkward pause] But, you were always the more artistically driven of us; I ssshould've put more into it than I did. [now dejected]\nTerrance: No, Phillip, I really thought I did everything. Until I- tried to do it alone. [now dejected. Phillip farts long and soft. A few laughs roll out of Phillip, then out of Terrance, and pretty soon they're laughing it up as they always do. The Earth Day committee approaches the boys, who have made it back to the festival]\nJack: Think of all the endangered species that will now vanish because of you! Carl! [Carl chops off Kenny's right leg with the cleaver]\nKenny: (AH how!) [topples over and away from the committee. Large amounts of blood quickly pour out]\nJack: So long, boys! [he and the other two start to move off]\nKyle: Wait! dude, LOOK! [the audience cheers as Terrance and Phillip take the stage]\nTerrance: Thank you everyone, thank you! You know, Phillip and I have learned an important lesson: that when you go through a lot with somebody, you can't let trite things come between you.\nPhillip: That's right, Terrance. You should only let trite things come between your asscheeks [both fart]\nTerrance: Ohohoho, nohoho! [both of them laugh]\nStan: They're back!\nCartman: Alright!\nJack: Yes! Earth Day is saved, boys! Everything worked out after all!\nStan: It sure did.\nCartman: [rolling Kenny over so he can see] Look, Kenny, everything turned out okay!\nKenny: (Oh, well now that's sweet.)\nPhillip: Say Terrance, can you tell me Who farted? [the camera pulls out as the skit continues]\nTerrance: He sure did, Phillip.\nPhillip: NO, I'm asking you his name!\nNarrator: And so, Terrance and Phillip got back together, proving once and for all that fame and fortune are never as important as friendship."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees\nPriest: ...And so it is with heavy hearts that we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman. [a shot of the entire Cartman family, with a few new faces. Cousin Alexandra wears a veil over her face] She was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife, a providing mother [a shot of Liane, teary-eyed], and a loving grandmother [a shot of Eric checking his watch]\nCartman: Mom, it's 3:30. This is taking up my whole Saturday.\nLiane: Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over.\nCartman: Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?\nPriest: And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence and reflect on how Mabel touched our lives. [all close their eyes]\nCartman: [softly] God! She didn't take this long to die.\nPriest: And now we release the doves to symbolize the Lord taking Mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace. [a blonde assistant lifts the cage door cheerfully, then strains to hear some noise. She lifts the cage only to see the dead doves tumble out onto the grass]\nAssistant: [serenely] Peace. [music plays and everyone disperses]\nCartman: Great. Now can we go?\nLiane: No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of Grandma's business.\nCartman: Ogh! God-damnit..!\nScene Description: The city, day. Johnson's & Associates Law Firm.\nExecutor: [reads will] ...\"And so I leave my stocks and bonds, worth an estimate fourteen dollars and twelve cents, to be divided amongst my loving family.\"\nCartman: [impatient, arms crossed] Mom, I wanna go home!\nLiane: In a minute, sweetie. This is important.\nExecutor: \"To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you the house in Nebraska. Look after it as your father and I did.\"\nCartman: Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh...\nExecutor: \"To my grandson Eric: You are always my favorite fat little man, my perfect round little pudding-piler.\"\nCartman: [under his breath] Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me even in death, Grandma?!\nExecutor: \"For you, Eric, I leave from my life savings, the sum of one million dollars, to be transferred to you immediately.\"\nCartman: [stunned] Hoosajiggawha?\nLiane: A million dollars?\nExecutor: \"Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate, since it is likely the rest of you would spend the money on crack.\"\nLiane: Oh my.\nUncle Stinky: That can't be!\nCartman: Uh yah sir, excuse me. D-Does this mean that I..have...one million dollars?\nExecutor: Yes, Eric, it's yours.\nCartman: No, no, wait, you don't understand. [voice trembles] since I was th-three years old it has been my dream to have one million dollars...\nExecutor: And now, you do.\nCartman: Egh... [lets out four long screams while his family watches]\nScene Description: South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill\nStan: \"There you are, Jennifer Lopez!\" [Stan's face appears, and it's instantly clear that the car and Lopez are dolls] \"You've been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez.\"\nKyle: \"No, please! I promise I'll never make another album or movie!\"\nStan: \"It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez.\" [inserts a small firework next to Lopez in the tiny car]\nKyle: \"Have mercy!\" [Stan lights the firework. He and Kyle move away. The firework pops and the little car flips over] Yeah ha ha!\nStan: Yeah, awesome!\nKenny: panting(You guys! You guys! You gotta come down to Cartman's house! You hear Cartman got a million dollars from his Grandma!)\nStan: ...Why?\nKenny: (Because! His grandmother just died and her will says Cartman now has a million dollars!)\nKyle: Nuh uh.\nKenny: (No, swear to God it's true! Cartman's got a million dollars!)\nStan: You'd better not be lying, Kenny. [the three walk out of view.]\nScene Description: South Park, the Bank, later. Inside, a banker counts the money out in $100 bills. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Chef, and others are there.\nBanker: Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand five hundred...\nJimbo: Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much cash.\nNed: Mm-me neither.\nBanker: ...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred, one million. [sets the last bill and moves the stack next to the other stacks.]\nCartman: [softly] Look at it. Look at it, mother. See how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your house?\nCartman: I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm spending it.\nJimbo: On what?\nCartman: On my dream. [zoom in] On the one thing that I've wanted ever since I could remember...\nScene Description: South Park, the Bank, outside. Cartman leads the others out of the bank and down the street. The money is in his Radio Flyer wagon\nBroker: [seen in the crowd, pops up next to Cartman] Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker; I can help you invest that money.\nCartman: Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it.\nPriest Maxi: Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church.\nCartman: Huh, I think God has plenty of money.\nKyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass?!\nCartman: Not much, just taking my [stops the wagon and shows a stack of bill off] one million dollars out of the bank. [the other three boys are stunned]\nStan: Oh my God.\nKyle: Kenny wasn't lying.\nCartman: Would you mind stepping aside? I have a purchase to make.\nStan: Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?\nCartman: HA! If you need money, you can get a JOB, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!\nKyle: Your grandma left it to you! You didn't earn it!\nCartman: Didn't earn it?! What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me?! All the wet spit-filled kisses I put up with?! The constant smell of aspirin and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!\nKyle: No... No, this isn't possible.\nStan: Yeah, it's unbelievable.\nKyle: No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan! Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world! How is it that God gives him a million dollars?\nStan: Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is doing with his money. [walks away, but Kyle stays behind, in doubt]\nKyle: Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama and... and you give Cartman a million dollars?\nScene Description: North Park Funland, day. Cartman and his mom are in the park office signing papers\nBroker: ...Aaand if we can just get you to sign here... [Cartman signs] and here... [Cartman signs].\nLiane: Are you sure this is what you want, sweetie?\nCartman: My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure.\nBroker: And now you just sign here, Mr. Fun. [Mr. Fun holds the pen and thinks a bit... a roller coaster zips by outside the window]\nMr. Fun: I can't do it.\nBroker: What?\nCartman: What?!\nMr. Fun: Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my park. [Cartman remains stunned] Look, I haven't been honest with you. The park hasn't been doing great business.\nBroker: Frank...\nMr. Fun: Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris. [to Cartman and Liane] The truth is, the park is a financial flop. I haven't turned a profit in years because I can't keep attendance up.\nCartman: Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come.\nMr. Fun: You... you're not?\nCartman: No no! I'm buying it to keep people out! [Chris and Frank look at each other] Don't you see? Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park, so that I could be alone in it, all day, every day. I love theme parks. [zoom in] But the lines! Everywhere you go, people, crowds, [shot of people waiting to enter \"The Mine Shaft\"] The rides are great, but... [a shot of crowds on Main Street] All the lines, lines, LINES! [shot of people waiting to enter a ghost ride, another shot of a kids' mine shaft ride; another of Cartman pissed off, eyes squeezed shut, with waiting times floating past him] If there's one thing I hate, [a shot of two lines of people entering his head] all the lines, lines, lines, LINES!! [opens his eyes, and a moment later...] And then there get to be so many people [his eyes roll around independently of each other] that they make FastPass. [a shot of people in a FastPass line] So then there's lines for FastPass. [zoom out to show Cartman in line for a FastPass] You stand in line to get a ticket to stand in line later. Then there's lines for the bathrooms [two lines for the Waterworks Restrooms], lines for the drinks [Astro Food line], lines for cantakuras [Seussian characters play strange instruments for the people in line] and rare Kartankulas Plinks! [a vendor sells them - they are a fruit treat shaped like strawberries] ...And, so you see, this park is for me. Nobody else will be allowed in it.\nMr. Fun: Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel bad. [signs the papers]\nChris: [the broker] Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme park is yours. [slides the documents to Cartman]\nCartman: Gentlemen, I thank you.\nScene Description: South Park Synagogue, night. A main door opens and Stan enters\nStan: Kyle? [at the front of the synagogue, Kyle sits in the first pew right, and a shaft of moonlight shines down on him from the rose window over the altar. Stan approaches] Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?\nKyle: [not turning around, voice quivering] Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there and, and found this... big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I, I had to tell my mother, which, which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me. I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman has his own theme park.\nStan: Kyle, I, I understand what you mean, but-\nKyle: [leaves the pew to face Stan, teary-eyed] Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself. I'm always saying, \"You know, I learned something today...\" and what does this so-called God give me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't make sense! [to God] What is your logic?! [feels a pang in his ass] Ow. [tends to the pain]\nStan: Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but, he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? I'll bet he's sick of it already.\nScene Description: North Park Funland, day. Cartman is on the Carousel on a white horse, alone\nCartman: [gleefully] Yyeessss! Yyeessss! [next, \"Java Jam!!\" a Teacup ride. Cartman laughs to himself] Awesome! [continues laughing. Next shot: Cartman in the \"Bumper Buggies\" bumper cars] Ho ho! [bumps into the car before him] Sweet! [bumps into the car behind him] Yes! [next shot: Cartman announcing at the Mine Shaft Ride] Folks, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, make sure your seat belts are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft! [pulls the lever and the cars pull away. Cartman rushes to jump in the first car and buckles in. Outside, the cars go to one end of the ride] Yes! [the cars go to the other end of the ride] Yes! [next shot, goes to \"Ride Shots: pictures of your ride\"] Oh, cool! [a picture of him on the ride appears on one screen] Oh, look how much fun I had! [next shot: a haunted ride. First, a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheheheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Ah! Heheh. [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heh, heheh. [next shot, Cartman on a ferry around an island] Woooo, Adventure Island! Check it out! Awesome! [the island seems to have real animals there, like giraffes, elephants. Next shot, Cartman on a log ride, \"The Yeti.\" He goes down the chute] Yoohoo! Yeh-hehess! [lands in the lake below] Yehess! [comes to the end of the ride, sobs joyfully] I'm so happy! I'm so happy...!\nScene Description: Stan's house. Kyle enters carrying a padded seat ring\nStan: [on the sofa] Oh, hey, dude. Terrance & Phillip is just about to start.\nKyle: Great. [tosses the ring onto the sofa]\nStan: What's that?\nKyle: It's my seat ring. I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid. [hops onto the ring] Ow.\nStan: Heh, heh. [Kyle glares at him] Sorry.\nKyle: So, how are things going at Cartman's theme park?!\nStan: Dude, just forget about it. We can't let him get to us, or he wins.\nKyle: Hunh, I guess you're right.\nCartman: [voice, from the TV] Hey, everybody! Check out the all new Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening! Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous rides [Cartman stands next to a Yeti. When the log car comes out, he jumps in and takes off], six roller coasters [one of them is shown], and tons of great surprises! [a haunted tree and the Yeti do their stuff. Cartman is back at the front gate] And the best part is: [zoom in] You can't come!! [Stan and Kyle look confused. Next shot: Cartman on Main Street] That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in! That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister [a shot of the fancy new ride, with Cartman in one of the cars, going through the loops], a roller coaster that splashes in the water! Wow! [an overview of Adventure Island, with Cartman showing it off] It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area! And nobody can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!! HAHA!! [a shot of Cartman landing in a space capsule, with parachute] So come on down to Cartmanland now! [Cartman in the Haunted Mansion ride] But don't plan on getting past the parking lot, [back at the front gate] 'cause remember: [cue music] So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come! [cut music] Especially you, Stan and Kyle.\nStan: [hops off the sofa and heads for the door] That does it, dude!\nKyle: Where are we going?\nStan: We're getting into that fatass's park whether he likes it or not! [Kyle hops off and takes his seat ring. Both boys leave]\nScene Description: Cartmanland, Haunted Mansion, night. Cartman is back on the ride.\nCartman: [a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the, um, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.\nKyle: [in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!\nCartman: [lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?\nKyle: Hohohooho! Oowwww!\nCartman: You sons of bitches! [goes towards the source of the sound]\nScene Description: Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.\nStan: Come on, dude!\nKyle: [bawling] Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh hit huhurts!!\nCartman: [arriving] What the hell are you doing?!\nStan: Aw, crap.\nKyle: Oh God, get me off of here!! [falls off, but outside the park]\nStan: Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]\nKyle: [now standing, rubbing his ass and wailing] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I need my creeheam!!\nStan: Alright, let's go.\nCartman: [reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!\nStan: You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!\nKyle: My life can't get any worse!\nStan: You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]\nScene Description: Cartmanland, day. Cartman stands at the front gate with a new employee. The entrances are now barricaded with wooden planks. Two remain open: the middle one and the one at far right.\nCartman: ...Alright, so listen: All I want you to do is keep anybody out who tries to get in here. If you see anybody on my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!\nSecurity guard: So what does does this job pay?\nCartman: Alright, now this is very hard for me to do, you understand. But, in return for you working security, I'll let you ride two rides a day. But only two rides, and only if I'm not on them.\nSecurity guard: Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.\nCartman: [looks warily at the guard] But, you can ride anything you want. And you don't have to wait in line.\nSecurity guard: I'm not interested.\nCartman: Dude, are you from Mars or something? Any ride you want. No lines.\nSecurity guard: If you need security, I need a cash salary.\nCartman: But I don't have any cash. I spent everything on this park.\nSecurity guard: Well, look: Why don't you just let a couple of people in each day? Every day you can just let two people in, charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you can use that to pay my daily salary.\nCartman: Ugh... Two people?\nSecurity guard: This place is huge. You'll never notice two people. And then you'll have security for your park.\nCartman: Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open the park to two people each day! But remember: anybody else you see trespassing the park...\nSecurity guard: I will shoot on sight.\nCartman: Sweet.\nScene Description: Hells Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is on a gurney, face down. A doctor stands behind him as his parents look on\nDoctor: You're a very lucky little boy. I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected. It could have killed you. [walks away]\nKyle: Lucky. [the operating room doors open and in walks Stan]\nGerald: Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan is here to see you.\nStan: Dude, are you okay?\nKyle: Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland, and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?\nStan: Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman is letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.\nSheila: Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.\nStan: Jesus.\nKyle: But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman can get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there is no God. There's no God, dude.\nSheila: Kyle, don't say such things!\nKyle: Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something bad will happen to me? Because if I do your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?\nGerald: Kyle, y-you-you just don't understand. It's-\nKyle: No! I finally do understand! There is no justice! There is no God![Stan casts his eyes down] Do you hear me?! I renounce my faith!!\nScene Description: Cartmanland, day. Barbed wire has been placed atop every fence imaginable. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are Butters, Clyde, Jordan, Bebe...\nCartman: [on the bullhorn] Alright, alright, listen up, people. Cartmanland is open, but only to two people each day. [turns it off]\nKids: Aw.\nBoy: That's gay.\nCartman: I just gotta cover my security expenses. Butters, Clyde, you can come in.\nButters: Hoh.\nClyde: Oh. [Cartman moves a post and the two boys walk out. Cartman places the post back]\nCartman: The rest of you will just have to try another day.\nKids: Aw. [they turn around and walk away. Cartman goes to the ticket booth and opens the window. Butters is waiting]\nCartman: 'K, one park admission? That will be twenty-nine ninety five, sir. [Butters gives him the money and gets back change, his ticket, and a map of the park] Five cents is your change and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.\nButters: Hoh boy, oh boy! [Clyde purchases his ticket]\nCartman: ...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland. [Clyde leaves] Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can get back to riding my rides. [walks in and dances down Main Street] Dada da, I've got my own theme park. Hm, what should I go on now? I know! I'll go on the Haunted Mansion ride again! [enters the ride and makes his way through the line] Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa da-ah- [finds Clyde and Butters waiting for the ride as well. They turn to see him] What are you doing?\nButters: We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook house.\nCartman: Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you go on something else right now? [Clyde and Butters lean away from Cartman, a bit afraid]\nButters: Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five; we should be able to go in the spook house. [crosses his arms in disappointment]\nClyde: Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The cars aren't moving.\nCartman: Ugh, alright, alright, hang on. [pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Security!\nSecurity guard: [arrives talking into his own walkie-talkie] What?\nCartman: Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house ride broke down. I need you to fix it.\nSecurity guard: Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.\nCartman: But I don't know how it works.\nSecurity guard: Well your rides are gonna break down every now and then. You need to hire a maintenance person.\nCartman: Ogh, alright, alright! I'll let two more people in each day so I can hire a maintenance person.\nScene Description: Cartmanland, another day. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are Bebe, Token, Timmy, Kenny, Filmore...\nCartman: [on the bullhorn] Alright folks, we've had another change in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance person, and to pay his salary I have to let in two more people a day. [a shot of the crowd from the front, then one of Cartman] However, the stupid maintenance worker demanded I have food and drinks inside the park, so now I've had to hire a beverage person, and a cotton-candy person, which means I now have to let eight people come in a day! BUT, you are to try your best not to ride any rides that I am on! Understood? [everyone nods] Alright, let's go. [unhinges the velvet rope, and in walk Token, Timmy, Filmore and friend, Kenny, two adults, Bebe, and another boy]\nTimmy: Timmay!\nCartman: [eyes the new boy and stops him] Wait a minute! Who are you?\nBoy: Mike Gainor. [Cartman sees a bandage on the boy's face and rips it off]\nCartman: HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan!\nStan: Goddamnit Cartman, let me in!\nCartman: I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid! SECURITY!\nStan: It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!\nCartman: Get him out of here! [Stan looks up in surprise]\nSecurity guard: Move along, sir. [sprays the pepper gas on Stan]\nStan: AGGH! [The guard escorts him away] This isn't over, Cartman!\nCartman: Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back to my riding my rides! [smiles and walks into the park. Next shot, Cartman in a roller coaster. Next, Cartman on \"Plummet from the Summit\"] Uh oh! Oh man, I'm so scared! [reaches the top of the ride, then the car goes into free fall] AAAGGGHHH...\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A nurse works on Kyle's hemorrhoid with pincers\nKyle: Agh! [the nurse moves the pincers one way] Agghh! [then another]\nNurse: Just a little more. [one twist more] There we go. [withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]\nGerald: Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?\nKyle: [the nurse leaves] Awesome. [Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]\nSheila: Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible.\nKyle: I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?\nGerald: Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. [begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears] You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long long time ago. [camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair] Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children [they come out of a building with their mother], a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man]\nSheila: [a shot of Job petting a bull] He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread]\nGerald: He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. [Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]\nSheila: But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God.\nKyle: [still mad] Satan talked to God?\nSheila: Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, \"Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day.\"\nGerald: But Satan said, \"Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name.\"\nSheila: To which God said, \"Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name.\"\nGerald: And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. [that scene is shown]\nSheila: Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. [meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]\nGerald: And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. [the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]\nSheila: Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, \"The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away,\" and praised God's name. [Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]\nGerald: So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. [shown, with the burning fields behind him]\nSheila: He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. [another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]\nGerald: God said to Satan, \"See? I told you. Job still praises me.\" [all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]\nKyle: [a few seconds later] And that's it? That's the end?\nSheila: Basically.\nKyle: That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?\nGerald: Oh. Uhhh, I don't know.\nKyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.\nScene Description: Cartmanland, day. Yet another crowd of people awaits to get in. Cartman greets them\nCartman: [checking off items on a clipboard] ...And, since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance, I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses... Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary, so that's three more admissions a day... [the clipboard reads, \"Cartmanland Expenses.\"] Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep - so that's about four admissions - that brings the grand total to... [under his breath] God-damnit! [picks up the bullhorn and says] Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today! [the crowd hoots and hollers and surges forward, engulfing Cartman. The people rush towards the one open ticket booth]\nClerk: Welcome to Cartmanland.\nScene Description: Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents\nSheila: Isn't he getting any better, doctor?\nDoctor: I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]\nAnnouncer: And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.\nHost 1: [Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.\nHost 2: And the way he did it is with the brilliant \"You Can't Come\" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.\nHost 1: Well, ahah I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.\nScene Description: At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...\nWaitress: I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.\nScene Description: At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside...\nClerk: No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.\nScene Description: At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...\nAssociate: [the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]\nScene Description: Back to Money Quest...\nHost 1: Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.\nScene Description: Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...\nKyle: Oh... Oohh-Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]\nSheila: [approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!\nScene Description: Cartmanland, day. Every ride has people on it, and every ride Cartman is on shows a dejected Cartman as the others enjoy themselves. At the Carousel he rides his favorite white horse, but shows no joy in riding it. At Java Jam!!! he's in a purple teacup with three other kids, and is not enjoying it. At Bumper Buggies he's in the #7 bumper car\nCartman: [Bumped from ahead by car #9, Clyde] Eh! [Bumped from ahead by car #4, Kevin] Goddamnit, stop running into me! [at the Mine Shaft Ride he sits in the fist car, but is not enjoying it with all those other kids. Kenny is in the last car]\nKenny: [around one bend] (Woohoo!) [around another] (Heeheehee!!) [he's out of his seat flying with the car, and he gets impaled in the face by a water pipe. It goes along for the ride. Outside, at Ride Shots, the shots from the just-completed ride are shown. Kenny is shown on screen 3 with the pipe buried into his face, which is now unrecognizable. On the steamboat ferry circling Adventure Island Cartman covers his ears and looks around angrily]\nCartman: AGH! [he's next in The Yeti log ride with older kids] DAAGGHHHH!!\nScene Description: Cartmanland, Main Street. The crowds bustle about and business is good. Chris the Broker and Mr. Fun are seen walking down Main Street.\nMr. Fun: My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!\nChris: He sure did!\nMr. Fun: Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this!\nCartman: [approaches] Hey, there you are! [The two men see him]\nMr. Fun: Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success.\nCartman: Just give me my money back.\nMr. Fun: What?\nCartman: I changed my mind! I don't want your stupid park!\nMr. Fun: ...But it's doing great!\nCartman: You call this great?! I call it hell! Trade me back, goddamnit!\nMr. Fun: [Chris smiles at this turn of events] You bet! I'll go get your money right now. [the men leave]\nBoy: [walking along] Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets?\nCartman: GODDAMNIT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!! [scares the hell out of the boy. The father holds on to the boy]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has brought Kyle's vitals back, and Kyle is on oxygen, but he's still unconscious. Gerald and Sheila look on\nGerald: Isn't he responding at all, doctor?\nDoctor: [turns around to face them] I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life.\nSheila: But then... are you saying...?\nDoctor: There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live.\nSheila: [walks up to Kyle] Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!\nScene Description: Cartmanland... ahem, North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer\nCartman: Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! [three men in suits approach Cartman]\nAgent: Excuse me? Eric Cartman?\nCartman: [turns to face them] Yeah?\nAgent: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred thousand dollar discrepancy. [to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]\nCartman: He-hey, that's my money!\nMr. Garrett: There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the wagon with the other half million]\nCartman: What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!\nMr. Garrett: You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. [the men walk away with the million]\nCartman: Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit!\nMr. Garrett: We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time.\nCartman: No! But I don't... ah... ah... [sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him] Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back.\nMr. Fun: Nohoho way, José!\nCartman: But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything!\nMr. Fun: \"I don't care,\" said Pierre. \"I'm from France.\" [turns around and disappears into the crowd]\nCartman: This can't be happening! AGGGHH!!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room\nStan: Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around]\nSheila: [sadly] Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest]\nStan: Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached?\nDoctor: Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-\nStan: Then damnit man, do it!\nScene Description: North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls\nCartman: It isn't fair! [throws another stone] You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! [throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]\nStan: Look, Kyle. Look. [smiles]\nKyle: [opens his eyes] Huh?\nCartman: You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! [throws another stone]\nKyle: [more alert] Huh?\nCartman: I'M SO PISSED OFF! [the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]\nSecurity guard: Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property!\nCartman: Ey! You used to work for me! [the guard sprays Cartman in the face] Ut ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonofabitch! [coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]\nStan: Kyle!\nDoctor: He's coming back.\nSheila: That's it, baby. That's it.\nCartman: Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!\nDoctor: Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission!\nHemorrhoid: [receding into the colon] Oh, shit!\nStan: Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it.\nCartman: It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! [Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]\nKyle: You are up there! [smiles]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill - Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the firecracker last time.\nStan: [voice only] \"So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!\"\nKyle: [face appears] \"No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make albums or movies.\"\nStan: [face appears] \"That's what you said last time [pulls out a magnifying glass from his back pocket], but obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures\" [moves the magnifying glass over the doll's body and fixes it there, focusing the sun's rays into a point]\nKyle: [fakes a cry] \"Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!\"\nStan: \"Scream for me, bitch!\"\nKyle: \"AAAAAAAH!\" [the doll's head begins to melt and shrivel, then Stan removes the magnifying glass]\nStan, Kyle: Whoa! Awesome!\nCartman: [runs up excitedly] Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you guys, come check this out!\nStan: Oh no, what now?\nCartman: No, you guys, this is really cool. Come on! [goes away, and Stan and Kyle follow]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house. Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join him\nKyle: What's this all about, Kenny?\nKenny: (Wait until you see what I can do to the dog!)\nCartman: Watch this. It's sooo funny. [grins] Come 'ere, dog, come on. [giggles as he starts jacking the dog's penis] Good dog. [the dog rolls over on its back ] Red rocket red rocket. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kenny starts to laugh and clap, and the dog's penis lengthens] Red rocket. Red rocket. [chuckles] Come on. [giggles]\nStan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?\nCartman: I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.\nKyle: No they don't!\nKenny: (Yeah they do!)\nCartman: [continues milking] Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. [concentrates on the dog] Red rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! [the dogs ejaculates, and the semen lands on Cartman's face] Ohooohhh!\nStan: Whoa, cool! [the dog quickly stands up and walks off]\nKyle: That's awesome!\nCartman: I told you guys.\nStan: I had no idea dogs made milk; do it again.\nCartman: [sighs] Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off the dog again right away.\nKyle: You \"beat off?\"\nCartman: [rolls his eyes up] That's what it's called when you milk a dog: beating it off. [looks at Kenny] Don't you guys know anything?\nStan: Wow, you learned all this from the fifth graders?\nCartman: Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, so they showed us how to do it-hey come here, dog. Dog, come here! [laughs as a gray dog approaches]\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room, in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for some discussion...\nSharon: I was really happy with this month's book. I agree with what Bob and Linda said-\nStan: [rushes in with Sparky] Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!\nSharon: Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and Daddy's book club night, remember?\nStan: But it's super-cool!\nSharon: Later, sweetie. [to the group] Anyway, I found myself enticed by Steinbeck's imagery.\nMan: Uh the first chapter alone was filled with poetry.\nSharon: [Stan takes the dog and sets up near the table, away from the club circle] Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence: [reads from \"Cannery Row.\" Stan starts milking the dog]\nStan: Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket.\nSharon: \"Cannery Row in Monterey in California-\" [\"Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket.\"] \"-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise...\" [The other adults lean in to see the action in the background. \"Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky.\"] It's amazing how with three images [Mrs. Tweek covers her mouth as Mr. Tweek looks on, surprised] he puts you right there, and...\nStan: [his parents turn at the sound of his voice] Red rocket, red rocket!\nRandy: [recognizes the activity] WAAAH!\nSharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!\nStan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket. [the other adults turn away or show shocked looks]\nSharon: [both parents now standing] STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!\nStan: My room? Why?\nSharon: Go, Stanley! [he walks off to his room. Sparky looks at the group, then gets up and follows Stan out, with penis still erect. Sharon turns around and says sheepishly] Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, he gets very good grades.\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.\nSharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?\nStan: No!\nRandy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company! [Sharon glances at him] Ah I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever!\nStan: Why?! What's the big deal?!\nSharon: Stanley, don't you understand what you are doing??\nStan: I was doing \"red rocket\" to make the dog's milk come out.\nRandy: No, Stan! What you were doing to the dog was-ss sexual.\nStan: Huh??\nSharon: You were stimulating the dog, Stanley! What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!\nRandy: Well, you know, when you do that to a m-male... the... eh eh you make his... stuff come out. [Stan looks confused] Well, Jesus, haven't they taught you these things at school?!\nStan: What things??\nSharon: Sexual education. Haven't you learned that yet?\nStan: No!\nSharon: Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,... Well, your school should be teaching this stuff!\nRandy: Yeah! Let's get that damned school on the phone! [walks out the door. Sharon follows him out. Stan looks ahead blankly]\nScene Description: South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring and arguing.\nPrincipal Victoria: Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want a chance to speak, but we have to talk one at a time.\nSharon: [stands] Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the street and on television. There's no way we can stop it. The schools have to teach them sexual education at a younger age.\nPrincipal Victoria: School policy has been to teach sexual education later. In the fifth grade.\nMr. Tweek: It isn't soon enough.\nStuart: Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son was caught beatin' off our dog. [Randy and Sharon look at each other in recognition of the act]\nChef: Look, parents. Do you really want your children learning about sex? Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive! Let them be kids for a while.\nMs. Choksondik: Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we have to face facts: Children in America are having sex at younger and younger ages. STDs are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. The only way we can combat that is by educating children before they have sex.\nChef: The first thing that kids learn about sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic about STDs.\nSheila: [rising] No, she's right! With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, I think my boy does need to know about sexual education. [sits, then rises again] From the school.\nAdults: Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. \"Fourth Grade B\" is shown on a classroom door. Sixteen boys are present.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know that some of you think this is very funny. Words like \"penis\" and \"vagina.\" [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some giggles] Nuh- now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin' tuh get through this by being mature and grown up, m'kay. [turns and goes over to turn off the light, and turn on the projector with a remote control. Color cross-sections of male and female anatomies show up on the screen. Mackey jabs the screen with his pointer. The boys, especially Kyle, analyze the pictures. Mackey then points to the male anatomy] Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the testes and the scrotum. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some more giggles] STOP that, m'kay! The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral! [the boys stop quick] M'kay. Now, in order to have intercourse, the man takes his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh... [slows his speech a bit] let's see, the man takes his penis, and he... hm.\nStan: Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: Well, sure I have! It's just... I was about 19 at the time, so it's been about 21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh... [turns around and starts again] I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took the penis, and I bu- uh, what the hell did I do with that damned thing??\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. \"Fourth Grade\" is shown on a classroom door - this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.\nMs. Choksondik: Alright girls, even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear, you need to hear it.\nWendy: Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik. We're excited.\nBebe: Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!\nGirls: Yeah!\nMs. Choksondik: Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's start with our first lesson, then, shall we? [writes on the board] SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!! [the girls sit quietly] That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms you can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that fun?\nWendy: I didn't mean that-\nMs. Choksondik: Today over 20,000 Americans will contract a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand more tomorrow! And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning and say, \"It's not going to happen to me.\" You say, \"Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but not here in Colorado.\" WRONG! [the girls look chastened] Gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, syphilis, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes on and on! These are serious diseases! They have serious consequences! [the girls are definitely afraid] You think that sex is about fun and games and love? [now with a folder in her left hand] Wrong! Sex is about disease! Here's a little picture of herpes.\nGirls: AAAHHH!\nMs. Choksondik: And here's a little syphilis for you!\nGirls: AAAHHH!\nMs. Choksondik: That's right, girls. Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms!\nScene Description: The school kitchen, lunch.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nBoys: Hey Chef.\nChef: How is sexual education class going?\nStan: It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'.\nChef: Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten laid in her life.\nKyle: Yeah... Chef, what's \"laid\"?\nChef: ...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children, you're holdin' up the line.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen. Behind them are Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.\nKyle: Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed.\nStan: Yeah. [they approach the girls] Hey Wendy, did you guys get-\nGirls: AAAAHHH! [hurry away from their table]\nKyle: What the hell is wrong with them? [the boys move towards the girls, who now have their backs against the far wall]\nStan: You guys, we just wanna know-\nGirls: AAAAHHH!\nWendy: Stay away from me, Stan!\nStan: Why?\nWendy: Are you wearing a condom?\nStan: ...A what?\nGirls: AAAAHHH!\nBebe: Do any of you have your condoms on?\nKyle: No.\nGirls: AAAAHHH!\nWendy: Don't you know that without wearing a condom you could get a disease?\nKyle: Nuh uh.\nBebe: Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS.\nCartman: AIDS?\nButters: Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS, fellas.\nKyle: Is that what you learned in sex ed?\nCartman: Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about that.\nStan: Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything.\nWendy: You guys have to wear condoms. Now, please, just, just go away. We don't want your AIDS.\nStan: [moves towards Wendy] But Wendy, we don't understand how that-\nGirls: AAAAHHH! [they throw their food up in the air and scatter, leaving the boys confused]\nKyle: Oh my God, dude.\nButters: Uh what are we gonna do, huh?\nStan: Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.\nBoys: Yeah. [they set their meals down at nearby tables and walk away. Cartman returns for his meal and takes it with him]\nScene Description: South Park pharmacy. The boys go in: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Token, Butters, Kevin, Tweek, and Timmy\nPharmacist: Can I help you boys?\nStan: Yeah, we need condoms!\nPharmacist: [looks at them funny] Condoms?\nKyle: Yeah. Quick!\nPharmacist: How old are you boys?\nStan: Why does that matter?\nButters: Ha-I'll be nine next week.\nPharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.\nKyle: Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?\nPharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should be-\nAssistant: [intervening] Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.\nMark: But... they're... children!\nAssistant: Would you rather them do it unprotected?\nCartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!\nMark: I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!\nAssistant: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.\nStan: Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side.\nMark: I don't think we have any that'll even fit them!\nAssistant: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only five ninety five for a box of fifty.\nButters: Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same one every day?\nAssistant: No, you have to change it.\nKyle: Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things.\nScene Description: Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor\nMr. Mackey: Uh thanks so much for letting me come over, Ms. Choksondik.\nMs. Choksondik: Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah I've already gone over most of the basics, you know, uh with the boys, but I uh... eh just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls, in case I... \"missed\" anything.\nMs. Choksondik: [reaches for a book and opens it] Well we should make sure our students are good and scared of the consequences. We have to teach them that diseases are possible even with just oral sex.\nMr. Mackey: Right! Oral sex, which of course would be...\nMs. Choksondik: [reading, then she looks at him] Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.\nMr. Mackey: Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay.\nMs. Choksondik: It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, why d-uh, did you?\nMs. Choksondik: Did I what?\nMr. Mackey: Well uh, how long did you wait before you had... uh... doobers.\nMs. Choksondik: Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat of a virgin. [thinks, then quickly adds] But I'm not ashamed of it! I wasn't sought after much in high school or college. [rises and moves off some distance] I was made fun of most of my life for having such large glasses. [looks down at her rims] The only boyfriend I ever had was this attractive popular boy named Steven Garrett. I liked him very much, but I... found out that he was dating me because he lost a bet on the Super Bowl. The loser had to go out with me for three days.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.\nMs. Choksondik: People can be very cruel. Anyway, I know it's hard to understand.\nMr. Mackey: Ah actually I understand perfectly. I... I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, either, huh huh, hehehuh, [softly] anyhow [normal] And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college. [places the book on the side table]\nMs. Choksondik: Your nickname?\nMr. Mackey: \"That guy with the really big head.\"\nMs. Choksondik: ...Right.\nMr. Mackey: Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence and found it impossible to ever ask a woman out, mm, hm mm.\nMs. Choksondik: Wow, I've... never met a man who is... as sexually unappealing as me.\nMr. Mackey: Neither have I.\nMs. Choksondik: [pause] Well, I'm quite happy without sex. I mean, with all the diseases and problems out there, who needs it, right?\nMr. Mackey: Uh not me! [they both giggle.] Huhuh, okay.\nMs. Choksondik: Well, back to the lesson plan, then.\nMr. Mackey: Right. [gets the book again]\nMs. Choksondik: Okay. [they both open their books] \"Oral Sex\"\nScene Description: Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...\nStan: Doesn't it give any other directions?\nButters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your wiener. [takes a condom out and gives the bag it Kyle] \"If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes\"\nKyle: Uh, what are \"studzes\"\nButters: How the heck should I know? [removes the wrapper from the condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut. [squeezes it a little] Hoh- it's all gooey.\nCartman: Just put it on, Butters.\nButters: Ha-a how come I gotta go first?\nCartman: Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?\nButters: Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man. [turns his back to the camera and drops his pants, then slips the condom on] O-o-o-o-h, it's sticky.\nKyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.\nButters: I don't even understand how this thing... ooh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman leans in for a better look]\nStan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!\nCartman: I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!\nKyle: Sure.\nButters: But it won't stay on. I- I need a rubber band or somethin'.\nTweek: Ah, I got rubber bands. [pulls a few out and walks over to Butters. Butters takes one]\nButters: [rubber band snaps in place] Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. [snap] Ow! There. Okay, I think it's on.\nStan: How do you feel?\nButters: ...Pretty good.\nCartman: Do you feel protected?\nButters: Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' in my wiener through this thing? A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it.\nStan: Alright, here, everybody. [begins to move from his end to the other, visiting each of the boys] Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.\nTimmy: Timmehah!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.\nPrincipal Victoria: Teachers, I have some bad news. Last night I received a phone call from the local pharmacist. Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active. And now that we've scared them a little they're buying condoms to use.\nMs. Choksondik: I knew it! Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. But now maybe you'll believe me when I say that we need to be teaching even younger than fourth grade.\nPrincipal Victoria: But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use?\nMs. Choksondik: ...Kindergarten.\nChef: Kindergarten?!\nMs. Choksondik: We've got to get to the students before they start having... sex. Nu-not after.\nChef: Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!\nMr. Adler: I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're gonna screw around.\nPrincipal Victoria: I guess we have no choice.\nScene Description: Kindergarten, next day.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is? [puts a box of Gladiator condoms on the table. The kindergartners look at him, and finally a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny?\nJenny: It flies around and it's endangered.\nMr. Garrison: That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor. [holds up the box] Con-doms are what we use to stop the spread of STDs. [Filmore raises his hand] Yes, Filmore?\nFilmore: Can we do fingerpaint?\nMr. Garrison: NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now pay attention, alright? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [puts a phallus on the table] First of all you remove the condom from its package. [demonstrates] Then you find which way the condom rolls out. [demonstrates] Put it in your mouth... [puts it in his mouth] And apply. [proceeds to do so. The kids watch on astonished, and one of the boys finally cries. Mr. Garrison finishes and raises his head] And it's as simple as that. Any questions?\nScene Description: Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.\nMs. Choksondik: Alright girls. Yesterday we went over the myriad of diseases you can get from boys, but today we're going to talk about the most horrible they can give you of all. [writes on the board] PREGNANCY! [turns around] That's right, since you girls have decided to be sexually active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time high! You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's watch a little video, shall we?! [goes towards the door and wheels back a TV cart with VCR, and turns on the TV.]\nNarrator: [\"The Miracle of Child Birth\"] Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle of Child Birth. [shot of the girls watching] The time is drawing close for delivery. Here we can see the water breaking.\nGirls: Eeeeww. [as the narrator speaks, the girls get more and more shocked]\nNarrator: Later, the contractions are happening closer together. Mom sure is in a lot of pain. Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, stretching the vaginal walls in ways never before thought possible by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens, and the baby is born. [Screen shot of baby being handled by the doctor is shown] but Mom's not done yet.\nGirl: Eeww.\nNarrator: She still got some afterbirth to push out of her. [shot of afterbirth being pushed out]\nGirls: AAAAAAAA!!!! [they get out of their seats and rush out of the room]\nNarrator: That's right.\nMs. Choksondik: [follows the girl to the door] Girls! Girls! Where are you going?! [gets no answer, but she sees Mr. Mackey in front of her, in the hallway ending at her door, about to enter another door. She looks down and notices his butt, and just stands there...]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.\nStan: Man, this condom's driving me crazy.\nKyle: Yeah. I've changed mine three times already 'cause it itches so much.\nCartman: Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier. [takes a condom just filled with urine and tosses it at the trashcan. It hits the side and splatters the urine next to the can.]\nMr. Mackey: [enters with briefcase and books] Alright, boys, I now have all the information I need to teach you the female anatomy, hm'kay. [tosses the briefcase and books onto his desk and moves towards the light switch, grinning. He turns off the lights and starts the projector] M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening. [a picture of the female reproductive system. He points to the opening. Cartman works on a new condom] This is where the man puts his- Eric, what the hell are you doing?\nCartman: I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.\nMr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?\nCartman: So I don't get AIDS.\nMr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around, you have to get it from sex.\nStan: From sex??\nMr. Mackey: Yes.\nKyle: You mean, intercourse with a girl?\nMr. Mackey: Yes! Now will you all pay attention, please?! The vagina and the clitoris are on the outside, and they are in fact very easily visible to the naked eye.\nStan: All this time... It's the girls that give us diseases!\nCartman: I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right to your face!\nMr. Mackey: Now here we can see the interior female anatomy. Things like the uterus and the ovaries are on the inside\nKyle: Well that does it! If us boys are going to live, we have to get rid of the girls!\nStan: Yeah, come on guys, this is war! [leaves his seat and heads for the door. The other boys follow]\nBoys: [among their statements] Yeah! That's right! Come on! [The last of the boys leaves, and Mr. Mackey doesn't notice. He begins to daydream. The generic female drawing turns into one of Ms. Choksondik, and he grins. He goes to the screen again, and moves his hand over the image]\nMr. Mackey: And here we see the tender, magical uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous Fallopian tubes, m'kay.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's room, later\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I wanna review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about?\nFilmore: [raises his hand] Miss'nary position?\nMr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Missionary position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else?\nGirl: Doggie?\nMr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] That's right. Doggie style we went over, mhm.\nBoy: Pile driver?\nMr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Uh huh, pile driver position. Good, Quaid.\nFlora: The Filthy Sanchez?\nMr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Yes, good Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez.\nBoy 2: Hot Karl?\nMr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Yes,you can give your partner the ol' Hot Karl, sure.\nScene Description: A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.\nClyde: There, you see? The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out. [the stronghold has a moat and reads: \"Boys Keep Out\"]\nWendy: [at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't wanna get pregnant!\nBebe: Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!\nStan: Ha! They're your diseases!\nKyle: Yeah! You get out of town!\nCartman: Here, talk to them, Butters.\nButters: [lifts up his mask] Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?\nCartman: Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.\nButters: [lowers his mask and speaks into the mike. A deep raspy voice comes out] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.\nKyle: [to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.\nBebe: We'll never walk away. Never! [tosses a boomerang towards the boys. Clyde ducks as the boomerang comes towards him, and Kenny is struck dead]\nKenny: (Waa-ooo!) [falls back and expires]\nCartman: Oh, bitch!\nStan: That does it! Attack! [the boys rush the stronghold]\nScene Description: Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay.\nMs. Choksondik: I've already gone through that with the girls. [closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you wanna drink?\nMr. Mackey: Why, sure. [she goes to get drinks] Hey uh I think I can... get through that stuff pretty quick, mm... [he gets a good look at her derriere] Uh, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan.\nMs. Choksondik: [hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples.\nMs. Choksondik: Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away from each other]\nMr. Mackey: It... says here that the uh, head of the penis is actually the... most sensitive... part, m'kay.\nMs. Choksondik: Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman.\nMr. Mackey: And these... are the two areas most important to-\nMs. Choksondik: Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh, is this wrong?\nMr. Mackey: I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong. [they kiss full again] I've been thinking about you a lot, Ms. Choksondik.\nMs. Choksondik: Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?\nMr. Mackey: I go crazy.\nMs. Choksondik: Do you touch yourself?\nMr. Mackey: Yeah. Hmm. [they embrace. She takes off his tie. He stands, walks some distance, and takes off his shirt. She stands, takes off her top, and tosses it away. She approaches him and removes his belt. He takes off his pants. She looks at him again and goes down to remove his briefs. She tosses them aside. He bends down to remove her underwear and tosses them aside. She coaxes him down, and he follows]\nMs. Choksondik: [writhing] Haawww. Haawww.\nMr. Mackey: G'oh, m'kay.\nMs. Choksondik: Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!\nMr. Mackey: Huh, what's wrong?\nMs. Choksondik: It's your turn. [goes down to work on him]\nMr. Mackey: Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!\nMs. Choksondik: [gets up] Do you want me?\nMr. Mackey: I do.\nMs. Choksondik: Tell me.\nMr. Mackey: I want you. M'kay. [they go down, then moments later quickly get up]\nMs. Choksondik: Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?\nMr. Mackey: Well. No.\nMs. Choksondik: [looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, fuck it [they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to me! [his ass rises for the first time]\nMr. Mackey: Oh yeah. Woh. [his ass appears again]\nMs. Choksondik: Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby! That's it!\nMr. Mackey: [his ass appears again] Aw, this feels so good, m'kay. [his ass appears again]\nScene Description: The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around seeking positions from which to shoot. Seven boys come up to the stronghold gate. Millie fires a Gatling gun at them from the left side, and they scatter, dropping their weapons\nBoys: WAAAAHHH!! [two boys prepare a Molotov cocktail, and one of them tosses it at the tires on the right side of the gate entrance. The tires go up in flames. The boys run away, and a huge flash explosion rises inside the stronghold]\nGirls: Waaaahh!! [they bail out immediately, and a much larger explosion rises, tossing kids away left and right]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon drops her paper\nSharon: What the hell was that?\nScene Description: Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from their activity and look out the window\nMs. Choksondik: Did you feel something?\nScene Description: Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked at what he sees.\nChef: Oh, no!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth in dumbfounded shock\nMr. Garrison: Jesus Christ. [a shot of the burning wreckage, then of Butters, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle looking at the wreckage]\nCartman: Ooo, Butters? You're in big trouble now.\nScene Description: The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns\nSharon: Well, I don't know what got into you kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves. [in the background paramedics pick up injured kids and put them in ambulances]\nStan: We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases.\nMs. Choksondik: I'm afraid this is all my fault. I... think I went a little overboard scaring the girls. I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys you... have to have sex with them first.\nKids: Oooohhh.\nChef: Well, I hate to say it, but you all got what you deserved.\nParents: Huh?\nChef: Look: Schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day! But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [a shot of Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [a shot of Ms. Choksondik looking around] or even a complete pervert. [a shot of Mr. Garrison]\nMr. Garrison: Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that s'posed to mean?\nMs. Choksondik: He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently.\nSharon: This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves.\nSheila: It's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's...just not a school subject.\nPrincipal Victoria: Then it's decided: no more condom classes in grade school.\nKids: Hooray!\nStan: But Chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex?\nChef: It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... 17.\nKyle: Seventeen? [Sheila and Gerald approach]\nChef: Seventeen.\nSheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?\nChef: Nope, just 17.\nGerald: But, what if you're not ready at 17?\nChef: Seventeen! You're ready. [Stan walks up to Wendy]\nStan: Well, I guess we got a while to wait before we have to worry about sex and diseases, huh, Wendy?\nWendy: Yeah. Thank God.\nCartman: Well, I guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. Come here, boy! [a dog enters the scene, and the camera begins to zoom out. Everyone is smiling and looking on as Cartman pleases the dog] That's it. Red rocket, red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red rocket, dog. Red rocket now.\nScene Description: End of Proper Condom Use, but Mr. Garrison has a few more things to say\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, so what other sexual positions have we talked about? Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good, Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in the living room playing video games.\nKyle: HA! I killed you!\nStan: HA, I blew your head off!\nKenny: (Aw, Goddamnit!)\nStan: Jesus, is Cartman still in the bathroom?\nKyle: Hey Cartman! We're almost to level 20! You giving birth in there, or what?\nCartman: Let a man take a crap!\nStan: Dude, he's in there punishing my toilet.\nKyle: Hyeah, that poor, poor thing\nStan: Come on, Cartman! You're missing the game!\nCartman: [from behind the bathroom door] I'm almost done, you smartasses! I'm just wipin' mah- whoa, what the hell is that? [finishes wiping his butt and zips himself up. He comes out of the bathroom with something in his hands] You guys, look what I found in the trashcan in Stan's bathroom. It's like a bloody cotton thing wrapped in toilet paper.\nKyle: Well, why did you pull it out of the trash?\nCartman: Because I thought it was a jelly doughnut, but look, check it out, it's all bloody.\nSharon: [walks in with a basket of laundry] Are you guys still playing that video game?\nStan: Yeah. Hey Mom, Cartman found a bloody cotton thing in the bathroom.\nCartman: [holds it up] Look. [Sharon gasps and drops the laundry. Cartman unravels it] But I don't think it's for usin', I think it's just for lookin' through. [looks through it]\nSharon: Eric, put that down!\nCartman: Why?\nSharon: Just go put it back in the trashcan!\nCartman: [inspects it] Hey, it's like all bloody. It might be alive.\nSharon: No that... that came from me; just put it away.\nCartman: This came out of you?? You just left it in the trashcan?! [hick accent] You shouldn'ta done that. He's just a boih. Poor little feller.\nStan: [looks up at his mom] What is it, Mom?\nKyle: Yeah, what it is, Mrs. Marsh?\nSharon: Boys, that a... feminine thing. Alright, it's a personal, woman thing. [game play stops and the boys look at her] I tell you what: If you'll just drop the whole thing right now, I'll buy you that new video game console you've been wanting.\nStan: The 2001 Okama GameSphere?\nSharon: Sure.\nKyle: Cool!\nCartman: Wow, this is like finding trashcan gold, you guiys!\nScene Description: Luau's Toys, day, later. A banner reading \"WE HAVE GAMESPHERE\" hangs over the window, and the console itself is in the window display.\nStan: There it is. The Okama GameSphere. [the game console is shown, along with two controllers and several boxes containing the console]\nKyle: Dude, it's got a hundred twenty eight gigahertz D-RAM.\nStan: What's that?\nKyle: Don't know, but it kicks ass. [they watch as Sharon buys the console from Mr. Harris and he wraps it up and delivers it to her] Wow, dude, you're the luckiest kid in South Park.\nCartman: Hey, this is all of ours. I'm the one who found Stan's aborted brother in the trashcan and blackmailed his mom into getting the GameSphere. [the boys turn away from the window]\nStan: Alright, alright, but you guys gotta see if you can sleep over for the rest of the weekend. [checks his watch.] It's Saturday at 2:30 - that means we have... 39 hours to play GameSphere until school on Monday!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nKyle: Awesome! [suddenly remembers] Oh, crap.\nStan: What?\nKyle: I'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow and swim and play in the stupid sun.\nStan: Dude, we got GameSphere.\nKyle: I know, I know. Well, look: I'll stay over anyway so I can play for... eighteen hours, and then I'll go to the lake. [a strange character walks up next to them]\nTowelie: Don't forget to bring a towel. [it's a walking, talking towel]\nStan: What?\nTowelie: When you get out of the water you need to dry off right away to avoid catchin' a cold. That's why Towelie says, \"Don't forget to bring a towel.\"\nStan: ...O-kay.\nKyle: Thanks, Towelie.\nTowelie: [after a few moments of silence] Do you wanna get high?\nStan: No. [Towelie looks for a few moments, then walks away]\nKyle: Anyway, that will give me plenty of time playing video games.\nCartman: Kyle, I think you underestimate Okama GameSphere.\nSharon: Here you go, boys. [Stan takes the shopping box and the boys take off]\nBoys: AAAAAA.\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. In the living room, Kyle finishes connecting the GameSphere to the back of the TV\nKyle: Okay, turn it on.\nTV: \"Okama GameSphere\"!\nBoys: Whoa!\nTV: [the game title comes up] Thirst For BLOOD!\nCartman: Oh yeah, Thirst for Blood. Bring it.\nKyle: Oh, this is so cool.\nCartman: Bring it, bring it! [on the TV two monsters fight each other. The one on the right attacks the other with a chainsaw. \"Oh!\"]\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys have been playing for hours. Around them are empty boxes of Cheesy Poofs and cans of Zoop soda. On the sofa is a bag of chips. Stan's parents walk up to the boys.\nSharon: Goodnight, boys. Don't stay up too late.\nStan: G'night Mom, thanks for GameSphere.\nCartman: [slowly slides into a hick accent] Yeah, but you still shouldn'ta done that. 'E's just a boih.\nRandy: What?\nSharon: Nothing. Come on, Randy. [whisks him off to bed. From the TV: \"Twenty kills.\"]\nScene Description: Stan's house, Sunday morning, dawn. The boys have stayed up all night playing video games. Kyle is on the phone with his parents.\nKyle: Yeahyeah, Mom. I-I can't go to the lake. No, S-stan's having emotional problems and I need to help see him through it. He's got- [to Cartman] wha-what is it?\nCartman: Date-rape psychosis.\nKyle: Date-rape something. Yeah. Okay. I will. Okay, thanks, Mon. [hangs up] I don't have to go outside!\nCartman: Awesome!\nKyle: She said it's fine, but that I still have to go to baseball practice tonight..\nStan: Oh, yeah, we got baseball practice today. God damnit!\nCartman: We shouldn't have this many responsibilities! We're children!\nStan: Well, it's alright. We can still play for [looks at his watch] six more hours, and then we'll go play baseball.\nTowelie: [walks in from nowhere] Don't forget to bring a towel.\nKyle: Uh no.\nTowelie: When you're playin' sports, the sweat can get in your face. That's why Towelie says, \"Always keep an extra towel in your duffel bag.\"\nStan: Okay, we will.\nTowelie: [raises its arms in victory] Alright! [lowers them, then after some moments] Do you wanna get high?\nKyle: No we don't wanna get high!\nTowelie: Okay... You sure?\nCartman: Yes! Go away, you stupid towel! [Towelie goes away]\nStan: Oh, dude! Did you see that? I cut off your face and ate it!\nCartman: That's... so... cool!\nScene Description: Stan's house, later... The boys have repositioned themselves and look half-asleep from all the game play. Doughnuts and ice cream appear - a cone is on the rug with its ice cream melting. Sharon walks up to them again.\nSharon: Okay, boys, that's it. You have to go now.\nStan: No no, it's okay, Mom. We c-we can't go to baseball practice 'cause Kyle has cancer.\nSharon: No, Stanley, it's Monday morning. You have to go to school.\nCartman: It's Monday?\nStan: Oh, uh, I'm sick.\nKyle: Me too.\nSharon: No, you're not sick. Now get to school. [disconnects the console from the TV] All of you.\nStan: But Mom...\nSharon: Go!\nBoys: Aagh!\nScene Description: Bus stop, moments later. The boys are now waiting for the bus.\nStan: Can't believe we have to go to school!\nKyle: Yeah, real life is so boring and stupid.\nStan: We just have to try and make the day go as fast as possible so we can get back to GameSphere. [a green car pulls up in front of them. Two soldiers are in it]\nCommander: Hello, boys, how are you?\nStan: Fine.\nCommander: Say, boys, this may sound a little ...odd, but... have you see a ...talking ...towel around anywhere.\nKyle: What? You mean Towelie? [the two soldier look alarmed. The passenger quickly gets on the radio]\nCommander: Echo, this is Garrett. I've got a code 5 at... [checks his map] Park County, Colorado! Repeat! Code 5, Park County, Colorado! [the men look at the boys]\nCartman: What, dude? [the driver steps on the gas and the car peels away. The passenger soldier looks out the window and back at the boys.]\nStan: This is gonna be one looong-ass day. [Ms. Crabtree pulls up and the boys get on the bus.]\nScene Description: Stan's house, Monday afternoon. The boys arrive there from the bus stop\nStan: That was the longest day of school ever!\nKyle: Come on, hurry. I bet we can get to level 29! [the boys burst in and head for the television]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room. The boys stand in from of the television\nKyle: Where is it?\nStan: It... it was right here.\nKyle: Where the hell is it??\nCartman: Come on, man, this isn't funny! [Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman look around and behind the TV] I need my fix! [the phone rings, and Stan goes to answer it.]\nStan: Hello?\nVoice: If you ever wanna see your Okama GameSphere again, you will bring us the towel. [the boys gather to wait for Stan]\nStan: What? Who-who is this?\nVoice: Just get the towel and meet us at the gas station outside of town. Or else! [in the background: \"Okama GameSphere!\"]\nStan: Don't hurt it! [Click. Stan then hangs up]\nKyle: What? [Stan turns around]\nStan: They've taken it. They've taken our Okama GameSphere.\nCartman: [in disbelief, backs up.] No! ...No!\nKyle: Uh-uh-uh what do you mean \"they've taken it\"? Oh, this isn't happening! This isn't happening!!\nScene Description: South Park, sunset. The boys walk down Main Street.\nStan: Towelie!\nCartman: Hey, towel!\nKyle: Where the hell is he?\nKenny: (I don't know. Where could it be?)\nStan: I don't know. They guy on the phone thought we had Towelie, so now we gotta find him.\nKyle: What has this world come to? Where people can just... take your Okama GameSphere.\nCartman: Hey maybe we'd better do a towel call. [the others stop, and he calls out in one direction] Gebaayybeh! [then in another] Gebaayybeh!\nKyle: That's a towel call?\nStan: This is hopeless. We're never gonna find him.\nKyle: Hey, wait a minute. Towelie always showed up to give us towel advice when we'd said something about water.\nStan: Hey yeah. [goes into the street and clears his throat] Well guys, let's go to the swimming pool! [looks around. So do the others] Aaah. Let's go take a shower! [all look around] Let's go waterskiing!\nTowelie: [walks up] Don't forget to bring a towel.\nKyle: There he is!\nTowelie: Be sure to bring a towel so you don't get aaall wet. [Stan walks over angrily and takes Towelie's left hand, and pulls him along].\nStan: Come on, dude! [the others follow]\nTowelie: Where are we goin'?\nKyle: Just come on! It's getting dark.\nTowelie: Are we gonna get high?\nScene Description: Outskirts of South Park, night. A full moon shines down on the boys as they reach the gas station\nKyle: Are you sure this is where they said to be?\nStan: They said the gas station outside of town.\nTowelie: Well, I'm gonna get a little high. [A high-powered light comes on]\nMan: Hold it! [ten men stand in the light. Some of them wear red berets]\nStan: Who is that? [squints his eyes and blocks the light. Towelie does the same]\nMan: Step... away... from the towel! [the boys do so, and an official steps forth]\nOfficial: There you are, towel. We've been looking all over for you.\nTowelie: If you ever go to a hotel, be sure to bring your own towel.\nOfficial: It isn't safe for you out here, towel. There are people out here to mean to harm you.\nStan: 'Scuse me, can we have our Okama GameSphere back? We just wanna play video games.\nOfficial: Your what?\nKyle: Agh! Look, dude, we're on level 24, about to cross into the Caverns of Madness!\nOfficial: I don't know what you're talking about.\nStan: You called us and said if we brought the towel you'd give us our video game back.\nOfficial: Omigod! [shrieks] IT\"S A TRAP!! [gunfire strikes him and kills him. Behind the boys soldiers pop up in the hills and continue firing]\nMan 2: Cover! Cover! [the officials and their personal security force fire back, and the light is knocked out]\nStan: Goddamnit, what now?!\nOfficial: Run, towel! [a grenade lands between two guards and blows up, shredding them to bits. The boys just look on]\nStan: [disinterested] Agh. Come on, they've gotta have our video game around here somewhere. [leads the others away]\nSoldier 1: Where's the towel?!\nSoldier 2: It can't be far! [two more soldiers come up, and others move along behind them] Alvarez, you and Mitchell sweep left!\nGuard: [coughs up blood. The boys arrive] Hurry! You must get the towel back to Tynacorp!\nStan: [grabs the guard by the lapels and throttles him] Where is our Okama GameSphere?\nGuard: Get the towel home [cough] They will explain everything. Please, hurry! [coughs up blood once more, and dies]\nKyle: Aw, God-damnit!\nStan: Do you know where he's talking about, Towelie?\nTowelie: What? Oh yeah, back at the base. It's a long ways away.\nStan: Alright, we're gonna have to use this truck. Come on, guys. [they go for the truck. From a distance in a woods nearby, a commander looks at the troop movements]\nCommander: Well?\nSoldier: They've gone, sir. It's like they've vanished out of thin air.\nCommander: Damnit! I knew those boys were protecting that towel. [gets pensive] They must have some unexplainable bond with it.\nSoldier 2: Perhaps they're telepathically linked to the towel, sir, like E.T. [the commander looks at him annoyed, and he leaves]\nCommander: It could already be anywhere, hiding out again. No, the time for being nice is over. We must instigate... Plan B.\nSoldier 3: You mean...?\nCommander: Yes. [camera zooms in] Destroy all towels within a thousand mile radius. [fade to black]\nScene Description: A desert, later that night. The truck rolls along... Stan steers, Kyle, Towelie, and Cartman ride along. Kenny mans the pedals\nKyle: Are we getting close?\nTowelie: I think so.\nStan: A little more gas, Kenny. [Kenny presses down on the gas pedal]\nKyle: How long has it been since you've been back there.\nTowelie: I've been wanderin' around on my own for the past few weeks. You know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important.\nCartman: No it isn't.\nTowelie: Is!\nCartman: No it isn't.\nTowelie: Is! Wait, turn down here. It's down this dirt road.\nStan: Brake, Kenny, brake. [Kenny brakes, and Stan steers the truck to the right to go down the dirt road. Towelie moves to the window]\nCartman: Egh!\nTowelie: M-maybe it's down that dirt road.\nStan: [sighs] Dude, don't you remember where it is?\nTowelie: I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high. [pulls out a joint...] then I'll remember where it is. [lights the joint and puffs deeply. The boys watch him as his eyes get bloodshot.]\nStan: Alright, so where is it?\nTowelie: Where's what?\nBoys: Agh!\nKyle: The base where you're from and where our Okama GameSphere is! [Towelie simply snorts]\nStan: Alright, that does it! Brake angrily, Kenny! [Kenny brakes angrily and the truck jerks to a stop] Now listen, Towelie, we've just about had it with you!\nTowelie: Well calm down.\nKyle: That's it! [takes the joint] You're not getting high again until we have our Okama GameSphere back!\nTowelie: That's my last joint, asshole!\nKyle: I don't care! You'd better remember where your base is!\nTowelie: Oh man, why is everyone riding me today? God-damnit.\nScene Description: A purple house, night. Inside, in the restroom, a woman washes her hands and face, then pulls a towel out of its rack to dry herself\nWoman: Kevin? Don't forget to wrap the potato salad in aluminum foil. [some strange sounds are heard outside the door] Kevin, is that you?\nSoldier: Harris! Reach bang and clear!\nWoman: Hello? [the bathroom door flies open and five soldiers pour in, firing away] WAAH! [she falls to the ground quick] Ohmigod! Oh no! Ohmigod! [she covers her head]\nSoldier: Alright, it's clear! It's clear! [the soldiers leave the restroom. The woman gets up and checks herself for bullet wounds and finds none. She turns to see the wall behind her. The towels on their rack are shot through with holes. She blinks, confused]\nScene Description: a backyard. Mrs. Tweak pulls down some clothes she's had drying on clotheslines. As she nears the towels, three soldiers rush in and start firing away at them\nSoldiers: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! [Mrs. Tweak leans out of the way, watching her towels get shot up.]\nSoldier: Let's go let's go! [The soldiers finish their job and walk away. Mrs. Tweak straightens up]\nScene Description: A men's gym shower, night. Mr. Garrison is in the shower with two other men. He finishes and wraps a white towel with blue stripes around his waist, then walks towards his locker\nSoldier: Get it!\nMr. Garrison: What the? [two soldiers rush over and make him face the lockers. One of them pulls off his towel]\nSoldier: Throw it down! [the soldier throws it down]\nMr. Garrison: Oh alright, have your way with me if you must! Go on, fulfill you sick pleasures! [the soldier stabs at the towel twice, then directs another soldier to fire away at it. The other soldier shoots at it while the other two watch]\nSoldier: Alright, let's go! [the soldiers leave]\nMr. Garrison: Huh where are you goin'?\nScene Description: The truck the boys are driving pulls up in front of a gleaming glass building with \"TYNACORP\" above the entrance, and the boys pour out with Towelie\nCartman: This is where you came from?\nTowelie: Yeah, I think so. [gets woozy] Oh man.\nStan: What?\nTowelie: I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's goin' on. [the group goes around the fountain and goes inside]\nScene Description: Tynacorp, inside. The boys walk down a long passageway\nResearch Leader: Welcome home, Smart Towel RG-400.\nStan: Ah hi, is this where our Okama GameSphere is?\nKyle: We're missing out on some quality video game time right now.\nResearch Leader: Thank you for bringing him to us, boys. You see, this is not an ordinary towel. He is the RG-400 Smart Towel, designed with a computer chip inside the terry cloth\nStan: We don't care.\nResearch Leader: You see, here at Tynacorp, our goal was to make the perfect towel. A towel that would sense how wet or dry the user's skin was and fluff itself accordingly.\nStan: Dude, we don't care.\nResearch Leader: Towelie was our greatest success. Smart enough to beat the average human at chess and absorbent enough to soak up even the toughest spills. But then one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off.\nStan: We... don't... care.\nKyle: All we wanna know is, who has our Okama GameSphere?\nResearch Leader: Ah yes, your video game. I'm afraid that what we all experienced was a trap. They called you and said to bring the towel, and then they called us and said they were bringing Towelie back. Their plan was to wipe us all out with one fell swoop.\nKyle: Who's they?\nResearch Leader: Why, the military. You see, after Towelie got high and wandered off from here, the military got a hold of him. They wanted to turn Towelie into a weapon of mass destruction.\nStan: [dismissive] Don't care, don't care, don't care.\nResearch Leader: Towelie was at their base for months as they tried to copy his TNA. But then, one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off. Again.\nCartman: Goddamnit! Can we please... just get back to playing our video game, PLEASE?!\nResearch Leader: I'm afraid not. Because your Okama GameSphere is at \"their\" base.\nStan: Can you tell us where \"that\" is, please?\nResearch Leader: You mean to go right into their base? [thinks] Of course. The entry code should still be in Towelie's memory banks. You could sneak him in there and recover his TNA. Great plan.\nScene Description: Secret Government Base, night. Inside, various military officials man a command center. Two soldiers walk up to the commander and salute him\nSoldier: Sir! Sergeant Masters and Boll are reporting, sir!\nCommander: Ah yes. [salutes back, and all three men lower their arms] Tell me, Marine, did you accomplish your primary goal?\nSgt. Masters: Sir yes sir! All towels have been destroyed! The Smart Towel is no doubt eliminated.\nCommander: Ahh. And you're... quite sure of this. [the two sergeants look at each other]\nSgt. Boll: Eh yes sir, there isn't a towel left within a hundred miles.\nCommander: Hmm... [taps his pointer on the strategic map] So perhaps, then, you can explain to me why we just got footage of the towel returning to Tynacorp?!\nSgt. Masters: Oo we...\nSgt. Boll: He must have outsmarted us, sir.\nCommander: Well I'm through playing hide and seek! We've got no other choice! Prepare to blow up all of Colorado!\nScene Description: The night sky. Clouds float by overhead, past the full moon. A helicopter flies into the sky and the camera follows it. Two officials prepare the boys for dives into the military base as the research leader talks\nResearch Leader: In a moment we will be over the base. This is the only way in. Any attempts on the ground would be easily spotted by guard posts.\nKyle: Okay.\nResearch Leader: [rolls up to Towelie] I hate to send you back in there, Towelie, but only you have their security system in your memory banks.\nTowelie: That's alright. It's always good to bring a towel.\nResearch Leader: Good luck, boys. The fate of the world is depending on you.\nStan: We're not doing it for the world, we're doing it for our video game. God, are you deaf?\nGuard: Alright, boys. When you drop from the plane, cover and roll. Got it?\nStan: Yeah. [the boys join Towelie and all go to jump from the helicopter]\nGuard: Go go go go! [one after the other, the four boys and Towelie jump off, and then the helicopter leaves. Stan is the first to pull his parachute string, and the others follow. Soon they're all next to each other, floating down. Stan sighs]\nKyle: Dude, I figured it out.\nStan: What?\nKyle: If we can go in, and get the GameSphere in 30 minutes, we could still be back at your house playing video games by midnight!\nStan: So that'd be, like what, eight hours we could play before school?\nKyle: Seven and a half.\nStan: [getting impatient] Hurry up, stupid parachute!\nScene Description: Secret Government Base, night. The boys land silently and start walking\nCartman: Alright, I think we go over there. [the Secret Government Base entrance is shown with Towelie and the boys approaching the gate]\nTowelie: [at the security entry pad] Let's see. [types in some numbers] No. [touches his lips with his right index finger, trying to figure out what to type next]\nStan: Come on, Towelie! The guy said you have the security system in your memory banks.\nTowelie: Hey it's been a long time!\nCartman: You just have no long-term memory 'cause you get high all the time!\nTowelie: [faces Cartman] Don't preach to me, fatso!\nCartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!\nTowelie: You're stupid!\nCartman: Yeah, and you're a towel!\nTowelie: You're a towel! [Cartman has nothing more to say, and Towelie hops off the box towards the boys] Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high.\nStan: Oh, God damnit! Alright, fine! [gives Towelie the joint] Here's your stupid lighter. [tosses Towelie the lighter, and Towelie lights up. The bloodshot eyes return.]\nTowelie: Hold on. [hops on the box and types into the entry pad again.] Wait a second [presses a few buttons] That's it!\nKyle: That's it?\nTowelie: Yeah. That's the melody to \"Funky Town.\" [starts playing the melody on the keypad] Won't ya take me down... to Funky Town.\nStan: No, Towelie, the entry code!\nTowelie: [turns around] For what?\nStan: God-damnit, I guess we're gonna have to climb the stupid fence.\nScene Description: Secret Government Base, night, inside. The boys climb over the fence and sneak past a soldier without arousing suspicion. They end up at the genetic research building\nKyle: Well let's look in here. [opens the door and leads the others in. Before them are cylinders of liquids, each with a floating deformed clone of Towelie in it. They come across a Towelie clone drying under a heat lamp]\nTowelie Clone: Kill... me... Kill... me.\nTowelie: Oh my God! No-o-o-o!\nCommander: [enters with four soldiers, who quickly get set to fire] Well well well. Look what the cat dragged in.\nTowelie: [turns around with the boys] What are these things?\nCommander: Genetic copies we tried to make with your TNA. They didn't work too well, I'm afraid.\nTowelie Clone: Kill... me.\nStan: Do you have our Okama GameSphere?\nCommander: You did very well to get the towel this far, boys. I wonder: What did they tell you at Tynacorp? That the big, bad government wanted to genetically engineer a Towelie as a weapon? Now let me tell you the real story.\nStan: Oh God, don't care, don't care.\nCommander: [pacing proudly, solemnly] Yes, we've been trying to make our own genetic copies of the towel, but only because we had to. You see, when we started spying on Tynacorp, we discovered a certain, terrifying secret. [the boys show no interest.]\nSoldier: Go on! Ask him what terrifying secret.\nKyle: What terrifying secret?\nCommander: That Tynacorp was making these towels to take over the world!\nCartman: We're never gonna play our Okama GameSphere again, are we?\nCommander: Don't you see what genetically enhanced smart towels like these are capable of? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off. But even after you're dry, the towel makes you more dry. It keeps getting you drier and drier. [his voice begins to deepen] Can you imagine it? What it would feel like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: You don't want to know. And I don't know.\nKyle: And we don't care.\nCommander: You've been double-crossed by Tynacorp, kids. They set this all up to get you in here and take us down.\nStan: So let me get this straight: Our Okama GameSphere is back at Tynacorp.\nCommander: Oh yes. It has been all along.\nSoldier: Can I kill the towel now, sir?\nKyle: Go ahead. [the boys move away quickly]\nCommander: No, wait. [stays the weapon] Perhaps now, we can use their own towel against them. These boys must return to Tynacorp, and we will launch a sneak attack on Tynacorp as well. [zoom in on a tiny camera close to Towelie's lower border. Officials back at Tynacorp's command center are looking at the live feed] You boys can take the towel to Tynacorp's central core, and upload this encryption disk into their system, bringing them down once and for all.\nStan: But we don't care!\nScene Description: Tynacorp command center. The officials gather around the research leader\nOfficial 1: What the hell is this?! The towel was supposed to go in there and then run its own self-destruct sequence!\nResearch Leader: The towel has a will of its own. It's... learning compassion.\nOfficial 2: We don't have the manpower to hold off the entire military AND stop those wonderboys from getting to the core!\nResearch Leader: Then we have no choice. We'll have to test the new prototype a little... earlier. [presses a button. A door with \"GS-401\" on it slowly spins around. A towel rack appears and a mean-looking buff towel hangs from it]\nGS-401: [deep voice] Don't forget to bring a towel!\nScene Description: Tynacorp, outside. Shadows appear in the brush across the way. The commander is there with his troops, the boys, and Towelie\nCommander: Alright, boys, take the towel back in there and say your mission was accomplished. [hands a disk to Stan] Then upload this encryption disk into their computers.\nStan: We're just going in to get our video game back.\nCommander: If anything goes wrong, use this newly-developed photon rifle. [hands it to Kyle]\nKyle: Photon rifle, whatever. [the boys enter Tynacorp with Towelie.]\nScene Description: Tynacorp command center. The boys walk through the center slowly\nStan: Hello? Hello, anybody here? [GS-401 hops down from the rafters]\nGS-401: Welcome to the party, boys! [flexes and rushes Towelie] HAAARRRHHHH!! [the two towels wrestle a bit]\nTowelie: Oooh. Ooohh! Oh boy.\nGS-401: HAAARRRHHHH!! [Kyle fires the photon rifle and knocks the beefier towel away with the beam. The research team and security force pour into the room angrily]\nResearch Leader: So, you thought you could outsmart us, did you kids?\nCommander: [he and his troops pour in another door] Aaaaarrrr. Move move move move move move! [the two forces face each other, with the boys and Towelie in the middle] Don't make a move, you bastards!\nResearch Leader: Bring the towel here, boys. They can't shoot children.\nCommander: Don't listen to them. They lied to you before.\nResearch Leader: Oh yes, boys. Obey your government! Well perhaps it's time these boys knew what was really gong on!\nStan: Ohmigod, look! [in front of a monitor connected to a long table is the Okama GameSphere the boys had been wanting to get back. The boys rush to it]\nKyle: Our GameSphere! [the boys each get a controller and activate the GameSphere: \"Okama GameSphere\"]\nStan: Aw, sweet, it still saved our plays. [behind him, Towelie exits screen left as the two forces face each other. The boys quickly get lost in the game play]\nResearch Leader: [turns to look at the boys] You see boys, I'm afraid you were double-crossed. If they were the military, why wouldn't they just attack us to begin with? Because they're not the military!\nCommander: Alright, maybe we lied to you, but it was to protect your own skin! We are a resistance group pretending to be the military to bring Tynacorp down!\nCartman: Whoa, check it out, guys, the parachute level.\nKyle: Sweet!\nCommander: [now facing the research leader] But perhaps we should show these kids who Tynacorp really is made up of. Go on! Tell them why you've been making towels! Zytar! [pulls at the research leader's head and the face comes off. Under it a green fish-alien head appears]\nStan: Oh, there's gold. Get the gold, Kenny!\nZytar: Our planet was dying! We had no choice but to find a new one! Manufacturing Smart Towels was our way to spy on humans to see how they lived.\nCommander: [looks at the boys] And now you know the horrible truth, boys.\nZytar: Truth or no, your alien-murdering group is over! [fires a gun at the commander. Both sides begin to fire at each other and there are casualties on both sides. Zytar and two guards slowly back away and out of view]\nCartman: Could you turn it up?\nCommander: Boys, try to reach the core override! We've got no choice but to try to take them all out! [the boys continue playing their game, so the commander comes up and reaches for the encryption disk in Stan's pocket, then goes away. Towelie sits on the floor with a huge bong, getting high. The commander reappears across the room moving towards a red button] I think I can get it from here, boys!\nZytar: [returns] What are you doing? You'll kill us all!\nCommander: Sorry, Zytar. Didn't your mom ever tell you? Don't mess with earthlings. [inserts the disk and a huge explosion blows the boys out of the room.]\nBoys: Oooww! [Then it blows out the roof and some sides of the main building, and the boys find themselves hanging from Towelie, above a boiling tank of acid]\nCartman: Hup hup. Come on, hang on. [Stan and Kyle moan]\nStan, Kyle: Whoa.\nKenny: (Help help! Heeelllppp!) [loses his grip on Kyle]\nCartman: Kenny!\nKenny: (Nooo!) [falls into the acid tank, disintegrating and sinking. Kyle looks on, but next to him is the GameSphere]\nKyle: [sees it] Oh my God! Our GameSphere! You've gotta move me closer! [above him, Stan watches large pieces of metal fall to the ground]\nStan: Hurry up, Kyle! This place is coming apart! [Kyle swings ever closer to the GameSphere]\nGS-401: [walks in on an adjacent catwalk and sees Towelie with the boys hanging] What are you doing?\nTowelie: Get away from me, you evil towel!\nGS-401: Towelie, listen to me. Let them go. Drop them.\nTowelie: No way! They're my friends!\nGS-401: They aren't your friends! Humans have ruined the planet, killed off their own environment! Their time is over. It is the towels' turn now.\nKyle: [swings closer] I've almost got it!\nGS-401: You're going to let them go, Towelie! Because... I know your weakness. [holds out a joint. Towelie looks at it longingly] Here. You can reach it. Come on, Towelie! How long has it been since you've had a nice burn, huh?! Twenty, thirty seconds?!\nStan: [feels Towelie slip] Aw, crap!\nGS-401: You're going to have to choose between their lives, and, getting high.\nTowelie: You asshole.\nCartman: Towelie, don't let go of us, you God-damned towel! Kyle's almost there!\nGS-401: Come, Towelie! Make your decision!\nTowelie: I-I-I choose... I-I-I choose... both! [Stan is shocked at the answer. Towelie stretches enough to take a puff while holding on to the boys, then slips enough for Kyle to succeed]\nKyle: I got it! [grabs the GameSphere. Towelie pulls himself and the boys up to the catwalk in front of a door. An explosion behind GS-401 sends it into the air]\nGS-401: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [floats down into the acid and disintegrates]\nStan: Come on, guys. Let's go play video games!\nKyle, Towelie: Alright!\nCartman: Hooray!\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys are gathered before the TV playing their Okama GameSphere with a new player: Towelie.\nStan: Oh, dude, we finished level 50!\nKyle: Awesome!\nTowelie: Oh, man, I have no idea what's goin' on.\nKyle: Check it out: Now we're going into the secret underground base.\nStan: Alright, guys, focus. Looks like this is gonna be an underwater level.\nTowelie: [heavily slurred] Don't forget to bring a towel. [the boys laugh]\nCartman: You're the worst character ever, Towelie.\nTowelie: I know."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Bus stop, day. The four boys stand at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Each of them wears a gas mask. The boys are silent.\nKyle: ...Remember when life used to be simple and cool?\nCartman: ...Not really.\nButters: [runs up] Uh, hey! [The boys jump, startled] How's it goin', fellas?\nStan: Butters, what the hell are you doing?\nButters: Huh, well, I'm just standin' around bein' a kid. Why? How come you're all wearing those spooky spaceman masks?\nKyle: These are gas masks, Butters!\nStan: Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask, you're gonna get smallpox or anthrax!\nButters: What?! [frightened] Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get the 'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do?\nStan: There's nothing you can do except stop breathing.\nButters: Stop breathin'?\nKyle: Yeah, you can't get it if you don't breathe.\nButters: Well. Alright, then. [takes in a big gulp of air and holds his breath hard. His head goes cock-eyed. A few seconds later, the bus pulls up. The kids on the bus and Ms. Crabtree wear gas masks as well. Officer Barbrady, wearing a gas mask, gets out of the bus to inspect the boys' backpacks. The boys, including Butters, line up before him, and he inspects Stan's backpack. He pokes at it in a few places and then gives it back to Stan. Butters begins turning blue]\nOfficer Barbrady: Well okay. Next? [Stan boards the bus and Kyle steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He inspects the backpack quickly and returns it to Kyle] Next? [Kyle boards the bus and Kenny steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He inspects the backpack and pulls out some magazines...] Let's see: Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers... [returns the magazines and backpack to Kenny, who quickly boards the bus. Cartman walks up.] Okay, next? [Cartman hands him the backpack and Barbrady quickly pulls out some scissors in it] A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with this?!\nCartman: Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip Scissors.\nOfficer Barbrady: These are a weapon! [holds the scissors aloft, away from Cartman]\nCartman: Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna kill people with those?\nOfficer Barbrady: I'll think of a way. Now move along!\nCartman: God-damnit! [boards the bus without his scissors]\nOfficer Barbrady: Alright, next! [No one steps up. Butters is quite blue now and just stands there. Then he just faints forward] Okay, clear. [the bus starts up, Barbrady boards it, and away it goes.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Along with the regular flag on the flagpole, a larger flag is draped over the front of the school, covering some second-story windows and the center of the school sign. Inside, the kids filter into class and drop off their gas masks along the wall. The door has been fitted with an industrial lock. Tweek enters and locks the door\nTweek: [drops off his mask] Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get me! [sits down] Oh Christ! [under his breath] they might - could get me.\nMs. Choksondik: Alright class, as some of you may have heard, the President has asked that American children all send one dollar to the children of Afghanistan. [holds up a sheet of paper with writing on it] So I have a list of addresses and we're goin' to all chip in.\nCartman: HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those towelheads!\nMs. Choksondik: Eric, the Afghan people need our help!\nCartman: Oh, I'm sorry, but I thought we were at war with these assholes!\nWendy: We're at war with terrorists, fatass, not with Afghanistan! And the only reason that you care is that you don't wanna give up the dollar!\nCartman: That dollar buys me a chocolate milk for lunch! What, do you want me to just get a regular milk for ten cents? [cue soft music. Cartman stands on his seat] Now look, it isn't our fault that terrorists hate us. We're just kids. We're not the ones bombing them now, we're- we're just kids. [now standing on his desk] There's a lot of crazy stuff goin' on in the world, but, we're caught in the middle. It's not our fault.\nWendy: The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, too!\nCartman: Yes, but they're sand monkeys!\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, children, we are all sending a dollar to the kids in Afghanistan! That's it! End of discussion!\nCartman: [drops into his seat angrily] God-damnit, I hate regular milk!!!\nScene Description: Afghanistan, day. Adults mill around as fighter planes fly by and bomb a few buildings. Two boys enter from the left and face the camera. They begin Speaking in Dari Persian\nAfghan Stan: (تمام روز ما را بمباران کنند؟ \"Are they gonna be bombing us all day?\"\nAfghan Kyle (named \"Akmarh Shulur\"): .هواشناسی گفته هوا که بارونی شه، بعد از ظهر هم خوب می‌شه \"The weather guy has said if it rains, it's gonna be OK in the afternoon.\"\nAfghan Cartman: !هی! من اینجا هیچی پیدا نمی‌کنم بخورم \"Hey, I can't find anything to eat here!\"\nScene Description: Afghan Kenny (named Keyvan) says something incomprehensible. Probably suggesting playing basketball.\nScene Description: They move off to play some basketball at a nearby makeshift ball court. The boy who was the first to speak gives the ball to his friend, the second to speak. The friend shoots the basket, but a bomb falls on the backboard, launching the ball away from the court and destroying the backboard and pole\nAfghan Boys: Awww!\nAfghan Stan: .حالا پاشو بریم فیلم ببینیم \"Well, let's go watch a movie.\" [then the four move off to their right. They pay for their tickets and head for the doors. A bomb falls on the theater and blows it up]Awww!\nAfghan Stan: حالا چی کار می‌خوایم بکنیم؟ \"What do we do now?\"\nAfghan Kyle: دعنا نذهب للعب في منزلي. لا يوجد شيء آخر يمكننا القيام به. انظر يا شباب ، والداي في المنزل \"Let's go play at my house. There's nothing else we can do. See guys, my parents are home.\nScene Description: A bomb falls on the house and blows it up\nAfghan Boys: Awww!\nAfghan Kyle: أكره ذلك عندما يسقطون القنابل \"I hate it when they drop bombs.\"\nAfghan Kenny: حالا چی کار کنیم؟ \"What do we do now?\"\nScene Description: A horse-drawn small SUV pulls up, a man comes out and drops off four letters, one for each boy, and gets back into the driver's seat. The SUV pulls away and the boys look at their letters. As dramatic music plays, the Kyle counterpart opens his letter up, looks inside, flips it over, and lets a dollar float down from it. The other three boys do the same. Akmarh looks at the bill, then up at the death and destruction surrounding the boys, and it's apparent that $4 won't do much to repair any of it. Akmarh looks at the bill again and wonders what to do with it.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. The garage has a large flag draping the door. Inside, on the living room couch. Sharon is lying there covered with blankets and watching TV. On the floor around the sofa are bowls, candles, food, and other items. Sharon hasn't been off that couch in a while.\nReporter: [on TV] Another high-alert status for terrorists activity this weekend. [SNN - America Fights Back. A news ticker crawls by. Major headlines appear to the left, stock quotes on top, weather forecasts under the crawl] The government said \"bad things are likely to happen.\" [the door bell rings] Meanwhile, the world continues to back down from their support of the United States [dingle] saying that they were really only kidding to begin with.\nStan: [approaching] Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'.\nSharon: Can huh get th'ere 'or me? [Stan goes to open the door.]\nRandy: [approaching through the kitchen, stops at the kitchen door] Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop watchin' the news for a little bit? [Sharon mutters something] Shu-Sharon, you've been watching CNN for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't you wanna watch somethin' else? [the door closes] Shu-Shu-Sharon? [Stan comes back into view, pulling a box a bit bigger than he is into the living room]\nStan: Hey, look at what the postman brought me! It's a big brown package from Afghanistan!\nSharon: Weh, that's nahice.\nStan: We sent the Afghani kids some dollars - they must have sent us something cool in return! [looks back at Randy] Do you have some scissors to get this open?\nRandy: Stanley, your mother's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go play with your big brown package from Afghanistan outside?\nStan: Well alright. [pushes the package back towards the front door. Randy returns to the kitchen... Sharon bolts from the sofa as Randy rushes back into the living room]\nRandy, Sharon: Big brown package from Afghanistan??!!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Paramedics, fire trucks, the SWAT team, and the FBI are all there. Two klieg lights shine on the package as two Hazmat men approach the package. A crowd of residents looks on. Stan, Cartman and Kenny watch from the front.\nKyle: [approaching] Dude, what's going on?\nStan: We got a package from the kids we sent dollars to. They sent us something back.\nHazmat man: [in white] Prelims show negative, sir.\nOfficial: Then we're gonna have to blow it!\nTwo SWAT men: [in gray] Yes sir!! [they leave and rig the box so it opens without much damage]\nTweek: AAHH! This is it, man! It's over!\nRichard: Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee. [Tweek looks up at Richard. The two SWAT members finish and return to the crowd. Everyone kneels behind the barriers and then cover their heads.]\nOfficial: Open! [one of the SWAT officers presses the remote control and the box pops open. Inside is a goat]\nGoat: Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a. [people begin to look up at the goat]\nStan: Oh, it's just a goat. [all rise]\nPeople: Oohhh.\nBlond Man: Look, it's a goat.\nMan 1: Awww.\nBrunet Man: A precious goat.\nGoat: Ba-a-a-a-a. [Stan approaches it as soft music plays]\nStan: [now next to the goat] Hey there, little guy.\nOfficial: [steps forward] Stay away from it! Terrorists could have given that goat anthrax or smallpox before sending it over! Johnson!! [another official steps forward and salutes] Check the goat for diseases!\nJohnson: Yes sir! [walks over to the goat and begins licking its face. Stan backs away. After a few licks Johnson rises and announces] The goat seems to be clean, sir!\nStan: I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted to give us something back for giving them four dollars.\nCartman: Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got ripped off.\nOfficial: Alright, men, this area is secure. Let's head out! [the various services disperse and drive away in their vehicles. ]\nKyle: Well what are we supposed to do with it?\nGoat: Ba-a-a-a-a.\nStan: Yu- you're gonna have to take it home with you, Kyle.\nKyle: Dude, my mom won't even let me have a hamster.\nStan: Kenny?\nKenny: (No fuckin' way, dude!)\nStan: My parents will never let me keep a goat\nCartman: Well, I guess we're gonna have to kill it.\nStan: No, we're not gonna kill it, Cartman! We'll just have to [removes the return address from the box] take the return address and mail it back to the kids in Afghanistan. Come on, goat. [takes the goat's reins and leads it away. The other boys follow]\nGoat: Ba-a-a-a-a.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, night. All building windows have flags draped behind them, and some of the walls have flags on them as well. The post office has two flags on wall-mounted poles. The last postal worker closes up for the night as the boys approach\nKyle: Uh oh, they're closing!\nStan: Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat to Afghanistan, please?\nPostman: Excuse me?\nCartman: It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.\nKyle: Yeah.\nPostman: Afghanistan? [cautions] H-I'm sorry boys, but our planes aren't flying there.\nStan: They're not.\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a.\nPostman: The only planes goin' to Afghanistan are the military planes over at the base. I'm sorry. [walks away]\nStan: Well yeah! The military planes. Come on, goat, we'll put you on one of them. [leads the goat away. The others stand there for a second, then catch up to them]\nKyle: [calls out] Stan, I don't think we're supposed to be in the military base. They might shoot us.\nStan: I don't care! We're going!\nTowelie: [dropping in] Don't forget to bring a towel.\nThe Boys: Aaagh!\nCartman: Oh no, not Towelie.\nTowelie: When goin' someplace new, you should always bring a towel.\nStan: Okay, thanks, Towelie. [rolls his eyes]\nTowelie: Do you wanna get high?\nCartman: [quickly] No, we don't wanna get high!!\nTowelie: You mean, you don't want Towelie around?\nCartman: That's right!\nTowelie: So am I to understand that there's been a ...Towelie ban?... [snorts and starts laughing]\nThe Boys: [not amused. Kyle covers his eyes] Awww!\nStan: Goddamnit, get the hell out of here, Towelie!\nTowelie: Alright, see ya. [walks off]\nScene Description: The military base, night. Jeeps roll in as a battalion is assembled in the parking lot. A large cargo plane receives the vehicles and other cargo\nGeneral: Alright, troops. We depart for Afghanistan in five minutes! Let's move out!\nStan: [now in the base with the others] Alright, come on. We just gotta get the goat on one of these planes.\nSoldier 1: [off-screen] Isn't this exciting, Tony? [the boys hide behind some boxes nearby] We're finally gonna see some action.\nTony: [the soldiers, in desert fatigues, appear] Yeah, and uh, I hear that as soon as we land we get a USO show.\nSoldier 1: We do! [draws close] Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform.\nTony: Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her! [they move on]\nStan: [peeks out] Okay, it's clear. Come on! [moves out with the goat and the other boys. A shadow falls across them]\nSoldier: [off screen] Hey you!\nTony: [aims his rifle at the boys] What the hell do you think you're doing here?!\nGoat: ...Ba-a-a-a-a.\nTony: [chastened, quickly retracts the rifle] H-uh, I'm sorry, Miss Nicks, uh. [looks around] Hey guys, this is Stevie Nicks. [a black soldier walks up]\nSoldier 2: Oh wow!\nGoat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a.\nSoldier 3: Uh, can I get a picture?\nSoldier 4: Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks! [takes a picture]\nGoat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a.\nTony: Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna bother you, but... could you sing a quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya?\nOther Soldiers: Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please. Yeah.\nGoat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a.\nSoldiers: Oh! No way! That was wild! That was great!\nSoldier 3: Wait till I tell my sister about this; she is gonna flip!\nStan: Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks on the plane to Afghanistan, guys.\nTony: Oh, can we just get a-\nStan: [turns right and walks off] Ah, sorry. Miss Nicks isn't answering any more questions.\nTony: Oh, sure, we understand. Move along. [the soldiers watch the goat walk away with the boys]\nSoldier 3: ...She looks great.\nTony: She looks great.\nScene Description: Cargo plane, later. The boys walk up to the plane with the goat and prepare to put in in the cargo hold. A side door is open, with a ramp leading up to the hold\nStan: 'K, let's put him on here. [walks up the ramp, pushing the goat along]\nGoat: [inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a.\nStan: [enters and soothes the goat] Shhh. There we go. You're gonna be okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan in about 20 hours.\nCartman: [he and the other two peek in] Stan, if you're finished having your tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd like to go now, please?\nPilot: Alright, tango clear. [lifts the ramp up and swings it into the cargo hold...]\nThe Boys: Waaah!\nPilot: Let's head out. [...then closes the door and walks to the cockpit. The boys drop into the hold]\nCartman: [turns around and wrestles with the door] Aw, son of a bitch!\nKyle: [gets up, turns, and pounds at the door] Hey, wait! There are children in here!\nKenny: [rises and moves a bit] (Oh, shit, we're locked in.)\nGoat: [inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a.\nStan: Dude, looks like we're going tooh... Afghanistan.\nKyle: [steps toward Stan] Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a small space for 20 hours? How could things get any worse? [poot. Cartman blinks tightly and smiles]\nBoys: Awww! [Kyle covers his nose, Kenny draws his hoodstring tight]\nKenny: (Ee-hew-hoo!)\nCartman: [giggles] Uh ho, you guys.\nScene Description: Afghanistan, next day. A cargo plane has landed and the camera pans from the plane to the runway behind it. Another cargo plane lands and rolls to a stop. The large cargo door drops down and the soldiers file out marching\nGeneral: Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get your gear ready and report to the barracks at o-nine hundred!\nSoldiers: Sir yes sir! [they march away. The pilot comes, opens up the small side door, and pulls down the ramp. The boys move out and go down the ramp with their jackets over their noses]\nKyle: Oh God, it was horrible!\nStan: Twenty hours!\nKenny: (God-damn, it stinks like shit!)\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a-a! [leaps out and runs off]\nPilot: What the hell?\nKyle: Cartman farted in there! We had to breath it in for 20 hours!\nCartman: It didn't smell that bad; you guys are overreacting.\nPilot: [leans in and sniffs] I don't smell any- boh! Oh God! [begins choking] Hohhgh! [looks away] Blagh! [convulses] Bleeaagghh [throws up twice and passes out]\nCartman: Uh, whatever!\nKyle: You sonofabitch, Cartman! [begins to walk away, passing Cartman] You don't fart when you're locked in a small space with other people! [Stan passes by]\nCartman: Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying tucked away for a while!\nStan: [finds the goat next to Kenny] Alright alright, let's just get the goat back to his home! [pulls out the return address] We have to find this address. [leads the goat off. The other boys follow]\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a-a.\nScene Description: A large city in Afghanistan, day. Could be Kabul. Plenty of large building and roads abound, but they all look rundown or beat down - this is a city in decay. The boys walk through the city\nCartman: God, what a craphole, dude! This is like East Denver! Jesus Chru-heist!\nKyle: Dude, no wonder terrorists come from places like this! If I grew up here, I'd be pissed off, too!\nStan: Hey look! There's a taxi! [horse-drawn, with small back tires. The boys head for it, passing a street performer.]\nPerformer: [raises his hands] Haa-aa-aa. [the boys into the taxi's back seat]\nStan: [to the driver] Hello. We need to go... [hands the driver the address] here. [the driver says: شما می‌خواین برین خونه؟ \"You guys wanna go home?\" and whips the horse into action. The taxi moves off]\nCartman: What is this? The freakin' Flintstones?\nScene Description: The home of the Afghan boys. The taxi pulls up and drops the South Park boys off, then goes away. The boys approach the door\nKyle: Is this the right house?\nStan: I think so. [steps up and knocks on the door]\nAkmarh: [approaches and opens the door] شما چیزی می‌فروشید؟ \"You guys selling something?\"\nStan: A-ah, hi. We're from America. [Akmarh simply looks back] Uh, we sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars? You, you sent us this goat?\nAkmarh: Goat? [the other Afghan boys show up behind Akmarh]\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a-a.\nStan: Here. Wu-we don't want it.\nAkmarh: Oh, you want something else? All we had was the goat. Your country bombed everything else.\nStan: No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful. It's just... none of us can keep the goat.\nCartman: It was choking on the sweet air of freedom in America, so we brought it back to your crappy country. [the Afghan boys are insulted]\nStan: Oh uh, and here. [pulls out a small flag] Take this American flag as... a gift. [hands it to Akmarh and backs up. Akmarh considers the gift for a few moments, then throws it on the ground and steps back. The fat kid moves up and pours some fuel on it, then the poor kid strikes a match and throws it on the fuel, setting the flag on fire.]\nAfghan Boys: Yaaay. [they jump up and down]\nKyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing?!\nStan: Yeah, they told us in school that everyone but terrorists love America.\nFat Boy: Huh! !آمریکایی‌ها با خوک می‌خوابن Americans are pig fuckers!\nCartman: What did you call us?!\nAkmarh: Your country is the evil empire! Your government wants to rule the world! But your values and your spirituality are in the guh-ter!\nKyle: Then why did you send us the goat?\nBoy in Blue Vest: Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride. If you send us something, we must send something in return.\nAkmarh: It doesn't mean we don't still hate you. Now, get out of here! [the Afghan boys back up and Akmarh shuts the door]\nStan: Hey! Hey, open the door!\nCartman: I told you! Jawas have no heart.\nKyle: Jawas?\nCartman: You know, sand people.\nStan: How come they hate America so much? What the hell did we do?\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a-a.\nKyle: Well, we tried, dude. If anyone else in this craphole hates Americans, we'd better just leave the goat and get back to the plane!\nStan: Alright. [leads the others away. The goat follows. Stan hears the hoofbeats and stops] Oh look, he's following us. It's so sad.\nCartman: [softly] God, I hate you so much, Stan!\nStan: What? [voices rise in the distance (مرگ بر آمریکا! مرگ بر آمریکا \"Down with USA\" or \"Death to America\"! The boys look on. The protesters march by the boys and stop, curious about the boys standing there. Stan greets them] Howdy. [the protesters remain motionless]\nKyle: Um... [looks around, then slowly] Greetings from Canada. [now with Canadian accent] Well boys, it's aboot time we get to our hoose in Canada, isn't it?\nCartman: Ey, what the hell are you talking about?! [Stan and Kyle look at Cartman angrily] I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and neither are you!\nStan: [buries his face in his hand in disgust and shakes it] Cartman, you stupid asshole! [the crowd roars with anger and ties the four boys and the goat up. Two of the protesters talk about what to do next. One of them ends with]\nProtester: ...Osama bin Laden! [the others crack up and lead the captives away]\nKyle: Good job, fatass!\nCartman: Dude, don't call me a Canadian! [the protesters lead the captives up a mountain road. A bird in a tree warbles an Arabic song. When the lead protester reaches the tree he shoots the bird, and the bird falls down and away, dead. The trek resumes]\nScene Description: A cave in Afghanistan, day. \"Not where Osama bin Laden is.\" Guards stand outside keeping watch. Inside, six guards interrogate the boys\nStan: You've gotta listen to me! We're not spies! [one of the guards says something]\nCartman: Look, I think I can explain everything. You see, my friend Stan here is an oversensitive animal lover. He's got a boner for this goat, a-\nVoice: Amaar madmallah [the guards look up, then line up at either side of the cave entrance. A lanky figure walks in]\nOsama bin Laden: [swaying as he walks in] Oooo, alamalamalamalaah.\nKyle: Oh crap, it's him!\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a-a.\nOsama bin Laden: [pacing before the boys] Amalama hamahamahama? [draws close to Cartman] Una Haqa mala\nCartman: [leaning away] Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay? It's not expensive.\nOsama bin Laden: Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa. [the guards move off and return with studio equipment - two spot lights and television camera. The cameraman announces that they're ready to tape (!اوساما خان، حاضره \"Osama sir, we're ready.\". Osama sways over to his spot. The cameraman gives a signal and several makeup artists rush in for some quick touch-ups, then leave. The cameraman gets behind the camera and gives the signal to start talking] U bataqataqaa maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka haqadaqadaqa [laughs] Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa!\nCameraman: Aaaaand... cut! [Osama grins and the guards clap. Osama takes a small bow and tosses the mic away, then walks off]\nStan: Dude, these people are insane.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Sharon has resumed watching SNN on the sofa\nSNN reporter: ...as more and more case of terrorist-related AIDS continues to grow. And this just in: the Taliban has apparently taken American civilians as hostages. The Taliban has just released this videotape [the boys and the goat in their chairs, flanked by two Taliban guards], in which it is clearly visible that they have indeed captured [closeup of the goat, with Kenny to the left] Stevie Nicks. Miss Nicks appears to be in good spirits, though her whereabouts are unknown.\nRandy: [pops in from the kitchen] Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have you seen Stan in the last couple... days?\nSharon: [raises her head a bit] Yes. I just saw him.\nRandy: Oh okay. [slowly moves back into the kitchen]\nScene Description: Afghanistan, day. The general and his troops are watching the same report\nSNN Reporter: With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the other members of Fleetwood Mac have been hidden so the Taliban can't get to them as well. [the soldiers are crestfallen]\nTony: They... took Stevie Nicks?\nSoldier 2: Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards!\nGeneral: Alright men! Grab your guns and your Bibles! We are going to get Miss Nicks back!\nSoldiers: [cheering] Hooray!!! [some of them have their arms raised]\nScene Description: The Afghan boys' home, at that moment\nSNN Reporter: The Taliban's video also shows what appears to be four American children in captivity, though they could just be French.\nAkmarh: [rising] We have to help them.\nFat Boy: Do you say??\nAkmarh: They are not espies. They came to give us our goat back.\nBoy in Blue Vest: Screw them! They are evil Americans!\nAkmarh: I know! But if we don't help the innocent ones, then we are no better than the Americans are.\nFat Boy: Help the Americans? That doesn't make sense.\nAkmarh: Dude, we are espeaking English right now. Does that make sense??\nBoy in Blue Vest: Alright, let's go. [they pick up their rifles and exit]\nFat Boy: !ای لعنت \"Oh, goddammit!\"\nScene Description: Osama's cave, day. Inside, at table, the Taliban guards are celebrating Osama's birthday. The guards and Osama wear party hats\nOsama bin Laden: Aw, jihad, jihad. [the boys look at each other for reactions, and the alarms go off] Oh? [walks over to his security screen and sees the Americans converging outside the cave entrance, then runs around unsure what to do] Oh, oh! Ameriqa haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa! [the guards respond and give each other orders while moving out. Osama pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Hulagugla hugagugahagahaa!\nScene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces engage each other in combat.\nScene Description: Inside Osama's cave. Osama is still giving orders\nOsama bin Laden: Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana- [a grill next to the boys rises, and the Afghan boys climb out]\nStan: Hey, what are you guys doing here?\nOsama bin Laden: \nBoy in Blue Vest: Shh. We've come to save you.\nKyle: But I thought you hate us.\nBoy in Blue Vest: We do. [Osama talks away, and the boys slip out quietly with the goat. Cartman decides not to join them, and walks towards Osama]\nKyle: Cartman, where are you going??\nCartman: I'm gonna go take care of this prick!\nKyle: Cartman, he's crazy!\nCartman: He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know how to deal with these people. [walks off]\nOsama bin Laden: A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!\nCartman: Mehah... [bites on some food] What's up, bin Laden?\nOsama bin Laden: Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba haq!\nCartman: Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray. [quickly rushes for a prayer rug and rolls it out, then kneels and bows deeply a few times.] Allah, Allah, m'heh\nOsama bin Laden: Taba haqa?? [goes for his prayer rug and does as Cartman does] Allah Allah Allah, Allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah [Cartman brings out a huge mallet and smashes it on Osama's head. Osama's head rings like a bell, then he looks at Cartman and aims his rifle at him]\nCartman: Uh oh! Mmm-mm! [kisses Osama and tumbles away]\nScene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces are still fighting. The seven kids and the goat emerge from the cave\nAkmarh: We will have to be quick! The Americans are attacking!\nKyle: Where do we go? [they look around]\nAkmarh: Get down! [all boys hit the floor and hide their faces. A bomb blows up in front of them. When the smoke clears, Kenny and the poor Afghan boy are both dead, both riddled with bullets]\nBoy in Blue Vest: !اوه الله! کشتن کیوانو \"Oh, my God! They killed Keyvan!\"\nAkmarh: !تو، دیوث \"You bastards!\" [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Akmarh gets his rifle and fires away at American helicopters] You... murdering Americaaans!!\nStan: Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start this war.\nAkmarh: America DID eh-start this war! They eh-started it YEARS ago, when they put their military bases on Muslim holy lands!\nScene Description: A forest near the cave, at that moment. Osama bin Laden slinks around looking for Cartman. He stops next to a small bush. As bin Laden looks around the bush skittles away, then stops. Bin Laden sees the bush has moved and growls at it, aims his rifle, and walks up to it - four steps. The bush moves again, then stops. Bin Laden catches up in three steps. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales a step forward. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales another step forward. The bush leaps and bin Laden holds it in mid-air as Cartman drops to the ground. We get a view of the gun on Cartman's face from Cartman's perspective\nOsama bin Laden: [tossing the bush away] Ramadan!\nCartman: Hey look! An infidel! [bin Laden quickly turns around]\nOsama bin Laden: Wuut? Peitoqaba! [Cartman gets up and pulls bin Laden's pants down. Osama looks stunned. A magnifying glass pops up over bin Laden's genitals, then another, then another... nine in all, and the penis is finally visible. A sign pops up... \"Tiny, ain't it?\" A few seconds later the sign and magnifiers go down and Osama pulls his pants up]\nCartman: So that's what this is all about?\nOsama bin Laden: Ishta fatwa open sesame!\nCartman: [climbs up bin Laden and kisses him] Mmmm! Tastes like chicken. The ass of a chicken!\nOsama bin Laden: Proila foqabam!\nCartman: Woohoo! [zips away, leaving a dust cloud front of bin Laden. Bin Laden gives chase, leaving his own dust cloud.]\nScene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The fighting continues. Amid the fighting, the general crosses the battlefield.\nGeneral: We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on!\nGoat: Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a!\nScene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The South Park boys line up opposite the Afghan boys. Stan faces Akmarh, Kyle faces the boy in blue vest.\nKyle: All right, I've had just about enough of this! They told us in school, and on TV, that most people in Pakistan and Afghanistan like America.\nBoy in Blue Vest: And you believe it? It is not just the Taliban that hates America. Over a third of the world hates America!\nStan: But why? Why does a third of the world hate us?\nBoy in Blue Vest: Because, you don't realize that a third of the world hates you!!!\nStan: [considers the argument...] ...That doesn't make sense. You guys are just buttholes!\nAkmarh: You're butt-holes!\nStan, Kyle: You're buttholes!\nScene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. Osama and Cartman are now out in the open desert. Osama resumes slinking around\nFemale voice: Youhoo.\nScene Description: it's Cartman seated on a camel, dressed in a purple chador. Bin laden takes one look and he goes nuts over what he sees. His eyes bug out as he goes horizontal\nCartman: Haduqaduqaduqa. [Osama's tongue has rolled out to the floor. He tugs it and it rolls up like a classroom projection screen] Huqadukadukadukaduuu. [Osama whistles and then lustily howls like a wolf as he stomps his foot down on the ground. Cartman hops off the camel, walks some distance, and bats his eyes at bin Laden. Osama takes big steps towards Cartman, and the camera alternates between the two. Bin Laden stops short of Cartman... and leaps over him, landing on the camel's neck. Bin Laden starts kissing the camel all over, and Cartman removes his veil, looks at bin Laden, then looks at the camera]\nOsama bin Laden: [on bended knee] Oh bella, bella falafel. [brings out a bouquet of flowers]Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. [Cartman holds up a sign with a screw and a baseball on it, then puts it away. Bin Laden hops away, then returns with a table, two chairs, two glasses and some wine, and sets up a table for two. He sets the camel down on one chair and sits on the other one opposite the camel. He then serves up some glasses of wine]Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa! [Cartman holds up four other signs: a jack and donkey, a pile of feces and a bald head, a rooster and lollipop, and Barbra Streisand]\nScene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The boys have moved away from the cave entrance, and the fat Afghan boy has rejoined them. Beyond them the two forces continue fighting\nKyle: Do you really think your civilization is better than ours?! You people play games by killing animals, and oppress women!\nBoy in Blue Vest: It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walk down the red carpet at the Emmys!\nStan: ...He's got us there, dude. [pan out to see more fighting]\nTony: [finds the goat and picks it up] I got her. I got Stevie Nicks. [carries it away. The Americans retreat, but continue firing away]\nGoat: Me-e-e-eh.\nScene Description: Nearby... Osama's grinning widely at the camel. Cartman walks up in a different costume - that of the fussy movie director.\nCartman: There you are! Where have you been? We have another anti-American video to create! [hauls bin Laden away.]\nOsama bin Laden: Oh, dapidiuta ako. [Bin laden manages a wave good-bye at the camel.]\nCartman: Hur-ry, get into wardrobe! [bin Laden goes behind the walll and changes clothes. Cartman taps his foot impatiently] Oh hur-ry up, will you hur-ry?! [bin Laden comes out dressed as Uncle Sam] Oh, you look marvelous, dahling.\nOsama bin Laden: Haqa hamahama.\nCartman: Come on! The cameras are ready! [pulls bin Laden to his mark. Behind them, eight Taliban soldiers fire away at the Americans] Alright, there we go. Let's roll cameras. [walks off and returns with a director's megaphone and a firecracker] Oh, and here's your microphone. [hands Osama the firecracker]\nOsama bin Laden: [the Taliban soldiers see Uncle Sam and approach him] Ogh. America adirqadirqa- [looks around. The soldiers fire away at him. Bin Laden staggers, then looks at the object in his hand. Other Taliban soldiers rush in to see, and they all recognize whom they just shot.] Uh ohhh.\nOsama and the Taliban Soldiers: HAAAAAAGH! [the firecracker explodes, killing all the soldiers around it. Only Osama is left there at the point of impact, sitting on the ground, with his teeth dangling like piano keys. They play a few notes]\nGeneral: We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed!\nSoldiers: Hoorayyy!!\nKyle: Wow! I guess Cartman really did take care of them.\nOsama bin Laden: [flaps his lips with his finger, making some noise] Terrorists is the craziest peoples. Eheeee! [shows his teeth. An American soldier walks up behind bin Laden and dispatches him with one last shot]\nSoldier: I got him! I got him!\nBoy in Blue Vest: Well, it looks like the Taliban and bin Laden are finally out of power.\nAkmarh: Yeup, you don't need us anymore. [they turn and walk away]\nStan: Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys should know one thing. [the Afghan boys turn around] Most people in America are good people. We just try to live day by day, like you guys do. Maybe if you took some time to see all the great things about our country, you'd see... we're not so different after all.\nKyle: Yeah.\nBoy in Blue Vest: That's fine. But we still hate you. [the Afghan boys turn and walk away again]\nStan: Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday, we can learn to... hate you too.\nAkmarh: [the Afghan boys look again] Maybe. In time. [they turn once again and walk off]\nKyle: I'm confused.\nScene Description: USO concert. The stage is set amid the pup tents and soldiers clamor around in the audience. \"VICTORY!\" The general takes the stage\nGeneral: Great job, troops! Once again we have killed our enemies!\nSoldier 5: [cheering] Hooray!\nSoldier 6: Hooray! Yeah, we sure did!\nGeneral: The world is now safe, thanks to you. And so now, as promised, here is Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks!\nSoldiers: Whoa. Yeah. [the goat, dressed to look like Stevie Nicks, approaches the mic.]\nFleetwood Mac: Just like the wild winged bird sings a song-Stand back, she's singin'.\nGoat: Maaa\nFleetwood Mac: Baby\nGoat: Maaa\nFleetwood Mac: Babe\nGoat: Maa-ha [the concert continues. The three boys watch the performance.]\nStan: Come on, let's go get to the plane. [turns left and walks away. The others follow. On the way there, Stan sees a flag on the ground and approaches it. He goes down on one knee, picks up the little flag, blows the dust off it, sets it into the ground, takes off his jacket, and wraps it around the base of the flag ]\nKyle: [approaching with Cartman] Dude! I almost thought those Afghani kids talked you into not liking America.\nStan: No, dude. America may have some problems, but it's our home. Our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: [rises, steps back, and salutes] Go America.\nKyle: [salutes] Go America. [lowers his right arm] Go Broncos. [moves off]\nStan: [follows] Yeah, go Broncos.\nCartman: Yeah. [follows the other two out]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan, without his hat, is seated on a stool, none too pleased, before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class\nPhotographer: Okay, now lift your chin a little. [no change on Stan's face] Look right here. Right here. [points at the camera lens] Hey, where's my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile. [Stan doesn't smile] There it is. [FLASH!] Okay great, next.\nStan: [reaches for his hat and puts it on] I didn't smile. [hops off the stool and walks away. A wider view shows Ms. Choksondik's class in line off to the right. The kids move forward. Butters heads for the stool]\nKyle: I hate picture day at school! It's always some gay-ass photographer with some gay-ass backdrop of New England!\nButters: [in dress shirt and tie, holds out his palms] Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to make sure I look good this time in... the school pictures. [pulls out a comb and some gel, dabs the gel on the comb, and combs his hair back. Four strokes, and he's done]\nPhotographer: Okay, smile [Butters smiles, a lock of his hair goes up, and he blinks. Then the picture is taken, and Butters opens his eyes] Okay, next? [Butters hops off; Bebe, wearing heavy makeup, approaches and hops onto the stool]\nStan: [joins Kyle at the end of the line] Did you go yet?\nKyle: No. This is taking forever.\nCartman: [rushes up, giddily breathless] You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny!\nKyle: What, Cartman?\nCartman: Dude, check it out: for picture day, Kenny got into his parka backwards, so that his ass shows through his hood. Look! [points]. Kenny, Kenny, over here! [Kenny comes in looking as Cartman described, with his hands on the floor and his feet in the air, laughing uncontrollably. After Kenny stands still, Cartman roars with laughter]\nKyle: It isn't that funny, Cartman.\nCartman: Yes it is! [while this is going on, the other kids get their pictures taken, Token being the last one. He hops off the stool and walks away.]\nMs. Choksondik: Next in line! Come on, let's keep it moving, kids! [Kyle walks up to the stool]\nCartman: ...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny, it's totally funny.\nPhotographer: [Kyle sits for the camera] Take off your hat, please.\nKyle: But I never take off my hat.\nPhotographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of YOU lookin' natural.\nKyle: This is how I look natural.\nMs. Choksondik: Kyle, we're taking pictures without hats today!\nKyle: [angrily] Crap. [takes off his hat to reveal big red bushy hair]\nPhotographer: Smile! Come on, where's that smile? Is it gonna kill you to smile? I see a smile. [Kyle gives a small grin, and the picture is taken. He goes back to being angry, re-dons his hat and hops off the stool] Next!\nKyle: Gay-ass. [Cartman hops on, takes off his hat and quickly strikes a pose]\nPhotographer: [takes the picture] Very nice. Okay, last one? [hops off laughing as Kenny approaches]\nCartman: Uh oh. [laughs]\nPhotographer: Okay, have a seat, young man. [both Cartman and Kenny chuckle as Kenny sets himself down] Well, okay, lookin' great. Now where's that smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide smile. Wider. Perfect! [FLASH!]\nCartman: Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures back?\nPhotographer: Should be about four days.\nCartman: Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that long!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, four days later, day. Inside, in Ms. Choksondik's class, Cartman is fidgeting rather loudly in his desk\nCartman: Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon!\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, class, I have your school photos to hand out-\nCartman: [bouncing in his seat] YES! YES!\nMs. Choksondik: Most of them are very nice. But, apparently, one of you thinks it's fun to spoil their school pictures [Kenny looks around], and thinks he's a comedian. That person will be spending the afternoon in the principal's office!\nKenny: (Aww, that's bullshit!)\nMs. Choksondik: School photos aren't for joking around, so you aren't getting your photo back, Butters! [thrusts the photo out for a close-up]\nButters: Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'.\nMs. Choksondik: For the rest of you, I think your pictures turned out very nicely.\nButters: But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a minute! [the others get their photos and review them]\nCartman: [rushes up and takes Kenny's photos] Let me see! [returns to his seat. Stan and Kyle look at Cartman curiously while Kenny looks on angrily]\nButters: [catches up to Ms. Choksondik as she sits at her chair] Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look stupid in my picture. Honest!\nCartman: [opens Kenny's envelope and looks at the photo, then roars with laughter] Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the sweetest thing I've ever done!\nKenny: (You've ever done?!)\nCartman: [Laughs] Look at how the crap ...is sittin' right in the middle! [laughs some more]\nMs. Choksondik: Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell at Butters!\nCartman: Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks!\nMs. Choksondik: You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks, it's Choksondik! Say it right or you can go to the principal's with Butters!\nCartman: I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik.\nButters: I tried to make a good picture. Honest.\nMs. Choksondik: Your mother is waiting for you in the principal's office. [points towards the door]\nButters: My mom? [turns around and walks out] Oh, sweet Jesus!\nCartman: Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna put it on the Internet or... No, wait! Kenny. [Kenny looks over] I just had the greatest idea... ever!\nScene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A receptionist in blue suit sits at her desk. The doors open and Cartman enters\nReceptionist: Welcome to South Park Milk Company. Can I help you?\nCartman: Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family who has a missing child, and I was wondering if you could print his photo on your milk carton? [stifles a laugh]\nReceptionist: Oh, of course. Printing those photos on our milk really does help. Do you have the photo with you?\nCartman: Yes, I have it right hmya. [shows her Kenny's school photo]\nReceptionist: [takes the photo] O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately.\nCartman: You will? [tries not to laugh, but some escapes] Ah. [stifles another laugh] Oh, ah, thank you for your help.\nReceptionist: Sure. If I could get a description of the child to print underneath the photo? [Cartman stops in his tracks and turns around]\nCartman: Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye. [sniggers, then laughs] Brown eye! [laughs some more under his breath]\nReceptionist: Okay, brown eye...\nCartman: And, and big rosy cheeks! [laughs some more]\nReceptionist: ...Full cheeks...\nCartman: [cracks up] Full cheeks! [laughs] Winking brown eye, brown eye winking! [cracks up]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. A TV is heard.\nReporter: Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to be run over by a motorcycle this week, leaving a city to ponder, who will be next? [Stan and Kyle are on the sofa eating popcorn. The phone rings, and Kyle answers it]\nKyle: Hello?\nCartman: [between the laughter] You guys! You guys! You guys! [laughs uncontrollably]\nKyle: Hello?\nCartman: [more laughter] ...You guys!... [more laughter]\nKyle: [getting annoyed] Cartman?\nCartman: [more laughter] You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry. [hangs up]\nStan: What's he want?\nKyle: [pissed off] I don't know. Let's go see. [they walk off]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, minutes later. Cartman can be heard laughing inside as Stan and Kyle approach his door. Kyle rings the doorbell and Cartman answers, still laughing.\nKyle: Why'd you call us?\nCartman: Come on. Come on. [whispers] Come on.[leads the way] Oho, this is so sweet! [still laughing as he walks to the sofa and picks up a milk carton] You guys, seriously, this is sooo sweet!\nStan: Goddamnit Cartman, what?! [Cartman hands him the carton and erupts in laughter as Stan and Kyle look it over]\nKyle: ...You put Kenny's picture on a milk carton??\nCartman: Look at, look at the description. Brown eye! [falls to the floor, pounding the carpet with his fists in hysterics]\nStan: That isn't funny, Cartman.\nCartman: Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha this is certainly funny!!\nKyle: No it's not, Cartman. You know, there really are couples out there who are missing children.\nCartman: No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you guys.\nScene Description: A house in Wisconsin. A woman enters her kitchen with some groceries and sets them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She pulls them out one by one, but stops when she pulls out the milk carton\nMartha: [gasps] Oh my God. Oh my God! [holds the carton close. Her face looks like a derriere] Steven! Steven, come quick!\nSteven: [rushes in. His face does also.] What is it, Martha?\nMartha: Look. It's him! It's... our son.\nSteven: Our ssson!\nScene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day, a few days later. The Wisconsin couple are at the Dairy Gold Milk Company, talking to the receptionist. Their \"s\" and sometimes \"th\" comes out sounding like a raspberry\nMartha: ...and so that's when I called out to my husband. I just knew the boy picture on your milk carton was our little Tommy.\nReceptionist: [stunned] ... yes, I see. [pics up a milk carton carton] Uh, but the child on the milk carton was reported missing, not found.\nSteven: We realize that. But we just thought that maybe someone else had found Tommy, and then lost him again. We're pretty certain that it's our boy, considering his physical appearance. Martha and I have the... same condition.\nReceptionist: ...Riiight.\nSteven: You may not have realized this, but we actually have buttocks where our heads should be.\nReceptionist: [flatly] ...Really?\nSteven: Yes.\nMartha: Steven and I have a condition called \"torsonic polarity syndrome.\" It's a birth defect that's passed on genetically.\nSteven: Over eleven people worldwide suffer from TPS.\nReceptionist: [flatly] Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing.\nSteven: Martha and I were lucky enough to meet each other at a TPS convention in France.\nReceptionist: So... do you have heads down where your rear ends should be?\nSteven: No no, don't be silly. You see, with TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior only. Behind this we still have all our vital head organs - tongue, eyes, nasal passages...\nReceptionist: Well, Mr. and Mrs...\nSteven: Uh, Thompssson.\nReceptionist: ...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps we can all visit him together.\nMartha: Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to see Tommy again!\nSteven: Now, Martha, what did I say about getting our hopesss up?\nMartha: You're right. You're right.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman is laughing his ass off on the sofa when Stan and Kyle return to see him.\nKyle: ...Okay Cartman, what do you want this time?\nCartman: [gets up and hops off the sofa] Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God. [tries to compose himself] Okay, okay, so get this, get this: The milk company calls me, right? [wipes some moisture from his face] And they call me and say that two people from Wisconsin... saw the picture of Kenny on the milk carton, and they think it's their kid. [cracks up again]\nStan: ...Dude, that's not funny if they're missing their son.\nCartman: No, nonono! Because apparently these two people... also kind of look like they have butts where their heads should be! [waits a second, then roars with laughter again]\nKyle: ...Nuh uh.\nCartman: Oh yes! And the best part is... they're coming here, to my house. And it's gonna be sooo funny!! [roars with laughter again. The doorbell rings and all three look at the door] Oh Jesus, that's probably them now! Okay, you guys, just play it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No, sshh, you guys, sshh. [walks over to answer the door. He stops and stifle a laugh] Just- okay [chuckles] No. [takes a few steps] Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh. [steps to the door, takes a deep breath, and opens it, grinning]\nMartha: [greeting] Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. [Cartman stands there grinning, then it disappears into a frown. A few moments later he turns around dejected.]\nCartman: Oh God.\nKyle: [starts laughing, but stifles it with his hands over his mouth] Hohly crahap, duhude, heh!\nStan: No way! [Cartman turns around and looks again, frowning]\nSteven: We understand you've seen our son. [Cartman looks speechless, then turns around looking lost]\nCartman: [very softly] Oh my... God. [walks away from the door quite afraid, then begins to ascend the stairs stammering nonsense]\nStan: Cartman, where are you going?? [Cartman keeps walking. The Thompsons simply shrug their shoulders, looking at each other]\nMartha: [holds up the milk carton] Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything about this?\nKyle: [giggles a bit] Uh\nStan: Oh boy.\nKyle: Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation, you you'd better go to Kenny's house.\nStan: Yeah. He lives about four houses away in the bad side of town.\nMartha: [Steven puts his arm around her shoulder] Oh thank you. Thank you! [they turn and walk away. The receptionist waits for them on the walkway]\nReceptionist: Well?\nSteven: They said to inquire four houses down.\nMartha: Let's hurry! [leads the way down the street. Steven and the receptionist follow]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at a loss for words and looks scared. The door opens and Kyle and Stan walk in.\nKyle: Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you doing?\nStan: Yeah, you missed them turning around.\nCartman: You guys, something's wrong.\nStan: What?\nCartman: I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest thing I'll ever see. And I... think... I... blew a funny fuse.\nKyle: [quizzically] Blew a funny fuse?\nCartman: [turns to face them] It was just too much and my sense of humor overloaded. [turns away] I don't think anything will ever be funny again. Oh God. What have I got?\nScene Description: Outside, on the sidewalk. Six kids are walking along: Kyle, Stan, Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek\nClyde: You mean they both have butts instead of heads?\nStan: Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're over at Kenny's.\nToken: How do they eat?\nStan: How the hell should we know? [the kids stop before a house]\nKyle: Butters! Hey Butters! You have to check this out!\nButters: [opens his bedroom window and looks down] W-what?\nKyle: You gotta come to Kenny's house with us.\nStan: There's these two people with asses where their heads should be.\nButters: Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded for lookin' stupid in my school picture.\nStan: But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical!\nLinda: Butters can't come out and play, boys. He thinks it's funny to look like a jackass in his school pictures that I have to pay for!\nButters: Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't mean to look... like a jackass, eh. It just happened.\nLinda: You made a goofy face!\nButters: No! That's just what I look like. See?\nLinda: [turns around and looks up] ...Don't you make that face at me, young man!\nButters: I'm not makin' a face, mom!\nLinda: Stop it!\nCraig: ...Come on, we wanna see the ass people.\nKyle: Alright. [the kids turn left and walk away]\nLinda: Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop making that stupid face at me, you can just stay in your room for another week! [goes inside and shuts the door.]\nButters: Another week? [turns around and drops down] I hate my stupid face.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. Cartman is on the couch laying on his back...\nMr. Mackey: Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want you to feel comfortable talking about anything, m'kay?\nCartman: Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you can see something so funny that it ruins your sense of humor forever?\nMr. Mackey: Well, I can't think of anything that would be THAT funny.\nCartman: Two people with asses for heads. Ever since I saw them I can't laugh at anything.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you used to think was funny?\nCartman: You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die... [Mr. Mackey is shocked by the last one] This morning, I even saw a little girl get her fingers caught in a car door and... I couldn't laugh. I mean I... I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh.\nMr. Mackey: Well Eric, I suppose that, just like everything else, laughter can be relative - in, in other words, sometimes people see somethin' so scary that nothin' else scares them, so, the same could be true for funny things.\nCartman: [turns over to look at Mr. Mackey] So does that mean I'll never laugh again?\nMr. Mackey: It's possible, hm'kay? [Cartman turns over and lays on his back again] But you know, if you have completely lost your sense of humor, you can always become a writer for the show, \"Friends\" [laughs at the unexpected humor in his own statement]. Ohokahay, huhuh.\nCartman: Ugh.\nScene Description: The McCormick house, later. The Thompsons' car is parked outside, on the street. Inside, the McCormicks, the Thompsons and the receptionist are seated around the coffee table. A brick has replaced two of its legs. Kenny stands beside his mother.\nCarol: ...and so you see, our son was just playing a joke and the little fat kid put it on the carton.\nMartha: Yes. Yes, I see.\nCarol: Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons an apology? [Kenny just stares at them]\nMartha: ...No, it was foolish for us to get our hopes up.\nSteven: It was just such a coincidence, considering the photo. You may not have realized this, but Martha and I have buttocks where our heads should be.\nStuart and Carol: Really?\nReceptionist: Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has it been since you've seen your son?\nSteven: Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.\nMartha: [leans into Steven's right shoulder, sobbing, and he comforts her] Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening all over again. [sobs uncontrollably]\nCarol: [rises to soother her also] There there now. [looks around, then walks off]\nReceptionist: Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright. [Martha continues sobbing] Listen, the South Park Dairy Company is the country's largest. We find lost children all the time. [Carol returns with a box of tissues. Martha takes one and blows her \"nose\" with it. Stuart walks off again, and Martha resumes sobbing and blowing her nose] We can help you find Tommy with the company's database![Martha blows her \"nose\" even harder and louder.]\nCarol: [holds her arms out as if to keep Martha away] Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find your son. Just stop cryin', Please, for the love of God, stop cryin'!\nMartha: [blows her nose again and sobs some more, then tries to compose herself] Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [blows her nose]\nReceptionist: Mr. Thompson, how did your son become missing? Was he abducted?\nSteven: Yes. He was in the care of our nanny at the time.\nMartha: The nanny that we trusted so much took off with him and we still don't know why. [Stan and Token are now looking in through the window. Kyle joins them. Martha sneezes] We think perhaps she wanted a child of her own. [a couple of hands try to get a grip on the window sill]\nReceptionist: And this was back in Wisconsin? [Craig soon rises into view outside]\nSteven: Yes, but we last heard the nanny was heading west. [Token, Craig, and Kyle start laughing. Tweek pops up and pushes Craig out of the way to have a good look. Stan laughs, and Craig climbs up on Tweek.] That's why we thought Colorado made sssssense.\nMartha: We've tried every avenue to find him, [Officer Barbrady happens by and says something. The kids jump] but, we've never tried the milk company. [Stan seems to tell Barbrady to come over and look at the ass people.]\nReceptionist: Well you just give us a try. I think you'll find that South Park Milk [Barbrady approaches] is not only the best resource for finding kids, [Barbrady's eyes widen] but also the best producer of the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world can offer. [Barbrady walks away and calls out to some people, then returns to the window]\nMartha: Thank you. Thank you so much for helping us. [Mr. Garrison walks by and looks in, then seems to say \"Holy crap!\"]\nSteven: This certainly is a friendly town. [Sheila shows up behind Kyle] You've all been sssssso wonderful. [Chef shows up behind Mr. Garrison]\nMartha: Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry again.\nStuart and wife, and Receptionist: [they hold their palms out] NO!\nScene Description: The Bijou Theater, day. \"Grossout Comedy 8\" is playing there. Inside, Cartman sits amid a bunch of older folk\nMale 1: Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's panties? [the audience laughs; Cartman sits there, glum, his head resting on his left hand.]\nMale 2: I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's were in the wash. [the audience laughs; Cartman just blinks.] Look, can we just get this over with?\nMale 1: But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's my grandpa! [the audience laughs]\nMale 2: Come on, dude.\nMale 1: Oh, alright Here it goes. Come'ere, Grandpa.\nAudience: Aww\nCartman: [out of sorts] Oh, dude, oh.\nJonesy: [noticing] Dude, what's wrong with you?\nCartman: Nothing's wrong with me. Uh-\nMale 1: Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd better go back to the house now to see how Chris is doing. [Cartman fakes a laugh and the audience turns to look at him. Cartman manages a few weak laughs, then sinks in his seat]\nScene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. An official leads the Thompsons through the factory. Cows are lined up in their stalls eating from personal troughs.\nPresident: Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President of the South Park Milk Company, I want to apologize personally for printing that falsified picture on our milk cartons.\nSteven: Please, please. It's not your fault.\nPresident: Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk we strive for excellence. For instance, we are now entering the extraction room. [stops] As you can see, we keep it close to the refrigeration room. That way we can get the milk to the container as fast as possible. [commercial music comes up] That's why some say South Park milk tastes like you're suckin' it right from the cow's tits yourself.\nMartha: Amazing.\nPresident: [a worker comes by with some food] Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin D. And our fresh scones. [the Thompsons take some milk and scones and start eating]\nSteven: Delicious.\nMartha: Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult to drink with our condition. [the couple set their milks back on the tray and the worker walks out.]\nSteven: Martha and I actually have buttocks where our heads should be.\nPresident: Really? Well. And in here we have our Missing Child Resource Center. [leads them into a large darkened room]\nMartha: Oh my, isn't this impressive?\nPresident: Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk can search a database of over 30 million missing child cases.\nMrs. Garthunk: [the receptionist] We'll start the computer on a data search. Now, when did your son turn up missing?\nSteven: Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six at the time.\nMrs. Garthunk: Alright then. Computer...\nComputer: Workiiing.\nMrs. Garthunk: Run a scan of missing children since 1982. Check for physical birth defects called TPS.\nComputer: TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child missing since 1982. Workiiing.\nPresident: So you actually haven't seen your son in over 20 years?\nMartha: That's right.\nMrs. Garthunk: But then, why did you think the picture of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son be much older now?\nSteven: Yes, but since he appeared to be at least eight in the photo, [takes a bite out of the scone and chews it] we assumed someone had seen him since we did.\nMartha: [pulls out a baby picture] This is the only photo we have of our little Tommy. [in diapers in a crib, looking like he's just finished eating]\nMrs. Garthunk: It's gonna take quite a while for the computer to do a scan of all missing kids.\nPresident: Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk do her work, and I'll take you two out for some good old Colorado chili. [walks out. The Thompsons follow him]\nSteven: We don't really like chili; it makes us throw up.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, living room, day. The door bell rings and Eric answers it. Jimmy stands at the entrance\nJimmy: Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad you called me, very much.\nCartman: Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here! [goes inside, and Jimmy follows, closing the door]\nJimmy: What's this all about?\nCartman: Jimmy, you've always been my favorite standup comic. You've gotta help me. I've lost my sense of humor.\nJimmy: Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric. Um comedy can be the best therapy, very much.\nCartman: I just have to find my funny bone again! Just try and make me laugh.\nJimmy: Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've been working on my rr... routine.\nCartman: Okay, let me have it.\nJimmy: Okay. Try this one on for size: Why did the... pigeon cross the road?\nCartman: Okay, why?\nJimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken. [Cartman doesn't respond]\nCartman: ...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not laughing.\nJimmy: Wow, what a great audience... How about this classic? Knock-knock.\nCartman: Who's there?\nJimmy: Orange.\nCartman: Orange who?\nJimmy: Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana?\nCartman: [stares back] ...naw, that didn't work either.\nJimmy: Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock.\nCartman: Who's there?\nJimmy: An interrupting ca'ow.\nCartman: An interrupting cow who\nJimmy: [interrupting] Moooooo! [...no response.] ...What a terrific audience. [the two of them stand in the middle of the living room looking at each other]\nScene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. Mrs. Garthunk is still at the computer doing her search\nMrs. Garthunk: Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer?\nComputer: Workiiing.\nMrs. Garthunk: Scan for any children reported found in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a facial deformity.\nComputer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] Negative.\nMrs. Garthunk: Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute, let's try it this way: Computer?\nComputer: Workiiing.\nMrs. Garthunk: Scan databanks for children who reported their parents missing.\nComputer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] One million six thousand hits.\nMrs. Garthunk: Alright, then break it down to claims in the past twenty years.\nComputer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] Three hundred twenty-one thousand hits.\nMrs. Garthunk: Alright, now run a scan on homogenized versus pasteurized skim milk.\nComputer: In skim form, homogenized has longer shelf life by 2.3 weeks.\nMrs. Garthunk: Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown of people who are seeking their parents who also suffer from a disease called T P S.\nComputer: Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a claim to not know parents: one match\nMrs. Garthunk: Bingo. Do you have a photo\nComputer: Printiiing. [the screen reads \"Processing\". A picture starts appearing on screen]\nMrs. Garthunk: My God. Oh my God!\nScene Description: Sidewalk, day. Six boys walk down the street again, only Kenny has replaced Tweek among the boys. They stop at Butters' house again,and again, Kyle calls out.\nKyle: Butters! Hey Butters!\nButters: [opens his windows; has a paper bag over his head] Hehyeah?\nKyle: They found the butt-face people's son, Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion at the milk company!\nButters: Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas, but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin' behavioral problems.\nStan: Why are you wearing a paper bag on your head?\nButters: Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this paper bag until I learn... to stop makin' silly faces all the time. They've really had it up to [raises his hand high] here with me.\nStephen: Butters? Are you ready to stop with the stupid faces?\nButters: [hops down to the floor] I sure am, Dad!\nStephen: Alright, you can take the paper bag off.\nButters: [removes the bag] Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad-\nStephen: Oh, very funny, young man! You think it's clever to make yourself up like a girl?!\nButters: Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a-\nStephen: Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's gonna be furious!\nButters: I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh-\nStephen: Put that bag back on!\nButters: [subdued] Yes, sir. [slips the bag over his head again]\nKyle: Dude, that poor kid. [walks off]\nClyde: Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his ass tomorrow. [turns with the other boys and follows Kyle off. Butters slams his windows shut]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, day. Cartman sits on his bed dejected. He's unwrapped a box and a gun sits on his bed to his left, a notepad and pencil to his right. He picks up the pad and pencil and writes...\nCartman: Dear Mom: I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school.\nScene Description: He sets the notepad down and looks at it for a moment, then he reaches over for the gun. He opens his mouth and puts the barrel of the gun in... and bites it off. It's a chocolate gun, and he sets the remainder down on the bed again\nCartman: And please buy me more chocolate guns. I'm starting to run out.\nScene Description: He picks up the chocolate again and takes another bite. Then he looks at the box the gun came in\nCartman: Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the peanut-butter filled one.Eric.\nScene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A TV 4 news van and crew are present. Some of the factory workers are present in the background as the president of the company stands behind some microphones. The Thompsons stand next to the president. A sign behind them asks, \"Got Missing Kids?\"\nPresident: And so it is with great pride that we have flown little Billy Thompson out here, to be reunited with his parents for the first time in twenty years. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde show up and watch.] Mrs. Garthunk? [moves aside as she steps up]\nMrs. Garthunk: Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud to be an employee of South Park Milk, [music plays] which to date has found over a hundred thousand missing kids, and, led the way in the fight against curdling. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up not knowing who his parents were. [a shot of the Thompson couple] But he was strong and resilient, [a shot of the crowd] and ended up becoming very successful. I think it will amaze you as it will all of us to learn that your son... is Ben Affleck! [a picture is taken. The people in the crowd look puzzled]\nPresident: Come around here, Ben! [a man makes his way through the crowd as the people clap and cheer. It's Ben Affleck]\nBen Affleck: Mom! Dad!\nSteven: [opens his arms] Son!\nMartha: [opens her arms] Oh, son! [Ben walks into their embrace as more pictures are taken]\nCartman: [walking up to the other boys] What's goin' on?\nStan: Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck!\nSteven: Oh, our same ol' Ben!\nMartha: Oh, I'm so happy! [starts kissing him with her ass-face cheeks. Ben grimaces]\nMr. Garrison: Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but I definitely see the resemblance now. [Mrs. Thompson is still crying and kissing Ben.]\nSteven: Aw, son. [begins kissing him, and Ben grimaces again]\nPresident: Isn't this wonderful?\nPhotographer: [gets into position] Okay gang, give me a big smile. [the Thompsons face the camera with Ben and the picture is taken. The crowd then disperses, and a man behind the boys is writing something on a note pad. He walks away as well.]\nKyle: Well, looks like everything turned out alright for them.\nCartman: Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call him Ben Assfleck. [breaks into a grin and starts laughing] Ben Assfleck, say that's funny.\nStan: [noticing] Hey, you're laughing, Cartman.\nCartman: Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great! Ben Assfleck! [laughs some more.]\nKyle: Well wait a minute. Don't you see what happened?\nCartman: A-heh, what?\nKyle: Everything turned out okay for those people. And so now you can laugh.\nStan: Huh?\nKyle: When Cartman first opened the door, and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for playing a joke on them. Now that everything's turned out alright, he's able to laugh.\nStan: Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling of remorse.\nCartman: E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse.\nKyle: There is no such thing as a funny fuse, Cartman. You felt bad.\nCartman: [silent sigh] Whatever. All I know is that I can laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat another chocolate gun. Come on, Kenny! [Kenny follows Cartman, and they begin to cross the road. Kenny remains behind Cartman, and the sound of a motorcycle draws close]\nMotorcycle Driver: [running over Kenny] Dangit! [Cartman spins to see Kenny's bloody body on the road... and roars with laughter]\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle face Cartman. Behind them the crowd consists of only the camera crew, Mrs. Garthunk, Ben Affleck and the Thompsons, and the workers\nStan: Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody and couldn't laugh at them.\nKyle: Our little man is growing up, Stan. He's growing up.\nStan: Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things are finally gonna start getting a more sophisticated around here.\nScene Description: Close-up of the Thompsons taking turns kissing Ben Affleck. Mrs. Thompson sobs and blows her nose\nSteven: Aw son! [kisses him]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Denver International Airport, day. Inside the terminal people are in long lines waiting to get their tickets or get on a plane. Mr. Garrison waits in line to have his bags scanned\nMr. Garrison: Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous! I'm gonna miss my flight! [sees a guard] E- Excuse me, there are two other security checkpoints. Why can't you open those, too?\nSecurity Guard: Uh I don't know nothin'.\nMr. Garrison: But you work for the- [the guard turns around and walks way] uh, God-damnit!!\nVoice: [over the PA system] Snooty Airlines announces the arrival of flight 239 from Connecticut.\nScene Description: The Broflovskis stand in front of a perfume shop\nSheila: That's your cousin's flight, Kyle. Hold the sign up nice and high so he can find us.\nKyle: What's he look like?\nSheila: He's your age and about your height.\nKyle: I'm stoked my cousin is comin' to live with us. It'll be just like having a brother. [Ike flashes an angry look]\nIke: I todd a nurra.\nSheila: Oh, there he is. [waving] Over here, Kyle! [a boy wearing a NY cap and a #34 shirt appears. Kyle grins and holds up the sign. The boy looks to his right and walks off. Another boy appears, with bushy hair and a part down the middle and thick glasses]\nKyle Schwartz: Hello, Aunt Sheila.\nSheila: How was your flight? [Kyle lowers the sign and looks stunned]\nKyle Schwartz: Oh, it was terrible. They recycled the air on board and it really did a number on my asthma. I-I-e-I asked them to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't. [walks up and joins the family]\nSheila: You remember Uncle Gerry.\nKyle Schwartz: Hi, Uncle Gerry.\nSheila: [kneels on one knee] And these are your cousins, Ike and Kyle.\nKyle: Hey dude.\nKyle Schwartz: It's nice to meet you.\nSheila: Let's get down to the baggage claim, Kyle. [rises and moves]\nBoth Kyles: Okay:\nSheila: [returns and genuflects again] Oooh, that's right! We've got two Kyles now. We'll just call you [to the nephew] Kyle, and you can be Kyle... [to the son] Two! [holds up two fingers and walks off. Kyle Schwartz (Kyle) follows her while Kyle Broflovski (Kyle Two) sorts this out]\nKyle Two: Cool. [follows the others out]\nScene Description: Ticket counter. Mr. Garrison's turn has come up and he approaches the counter\nClerk: [female] Next?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon. [hands her his ticket]\nClerk: [starts typing away] Mmmokay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne has boarded. Looks like you didn't make it.\nMr. Garrison: What? Well of course I didn't make it. The line to check in was two hours long, and the security line was two hours more!\nClerk: Nnnyeah, no problem, though. We'll get you on the 7 a.m. flight tomorrow morning.\nMr. Garrison: I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is tonight!\nClerk: [ignoring comments] Would you like a window or an aisle seat?\nMr. Garrison: This is unbelievable! You know, I seem to remember when the airlines said, \"We need a 15 billion dollar bailout from the taxpayers-\"!\nClerk: Mmokay, and have any of your personal items been out of your possession since you left?\nMr. Garrison: [people in the lines hear him and turn to look] Well we gave them the 15 billion dollar bailout and they fired their employees anyway! So now we have three people to clear 400 passengers!\nMan: Hey, he's right!\nPeople: YEAH!\nClerk: Okay, and bags have been with you at all times?\nMr. Garrison: So where did that money go? I'll tell you where it went: it went into the pockets of the presidents and CEOs of the airlines, so they can keep their multimillion-dollar salaries!\nPeople: YEAH!\nClerk: [prints out a pass and hands it out for Garrison to get] And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning.\nMr. Garrison: You think you can treat us however you want because we HAVE to fly! Well I'll tell you what, Sally Sassalot, I'm gonna come up with a NEW mode of transportation! A ahah brand new vehicle that'll put all you bastards out of business!\nPeople: YEAH! ALRIGHT! GO!\nMr. Garrison: You think I can't do it?! I got a master's degree in mechanical engineering at Denver Community College! You watch me!! [turns and stretches his arms over the crowd] Come on, everybody!\nPeople: YEAH!\nMan: [next in line, approaches the clerk] Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight?\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The family is seated around the dining room table as Sheila enters with soup in hand\nSheila: Here we go, Kyle Two. [Kyle Two smiles at the soup he's gotten] And here's yours, Kyle. [Kyle inspects it]\nKyle: [sniffs] Oh, uh, wawawhat is this?\nKyle Two: Mom's special stew. She makes it every Monday and I love it.\nKyle: Oh is, is this beef?\nKyle Two: Yeah, dude, it's great! [eats the soup with gusto]\nKyle: Uha, wa, actually, I- I can't eat beef. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining, and beef really gives me gaass.\nSheila: Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle. What else can I fix you?\nKyle: Oh no, I d- I don't want to be a bother, I uh-\nSheila: Nonsense. Can't I make you some nice pasta? Or a frozen fish fillet?\nKyle: We-ull, some fish would be great if it isn't too much trouble.\nSheila: [rises and heads for the kitchen] I'll put it in the microwave right away. [heavy breathing is heard. Kyle Two looks at his cousin]\nScene Description: Kitchen, moments later. Sheila has gotten the fish and breaks it apart on the kitchen counter. Kyle Two appears at the doorway\nKyle Two: Mom?\nSheila: Yes, Kyle Two?\nKyle Two: How am I related to him again?\nSheila: He's your cousin, Kyle Two. I told you already.\nKyle Two: Yeah, but like... first cousin or distant cousin?\nSheila: He's my sister's son. That makes him your first cousin.\nKyle Two: So we have the same blood?\nSheila: Now Kyle Two, listen to me. Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life. His mother is very sick and he's in a whole new place. He's going to rely on you to make sure he fits in at your school.\nKyle Two: What? How the hell am I supposed to do that?\nSheila: I'm sure your friends will love him.\nKyle Two: What about Cartman, huh? He rips on me for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!\nSheila: Kyle Two, he's your responsibility.\nKyle Two: Oh my God.\nSheila: I'm sure you two will become great friends with lots of late night pillow talk.\nKyle Two: Well what do you mean? [she catches her breath] What room is he sleeping in?\nScene Description: Kyle's room, past bed time. Both Kyles are in bed, the cousin getting used to the bed.\nKyle: What's this comforter filled with? Um, it isn't filled with down, is it?\nKyle Two: I don't know, dude.\nKyle: Ih it sure is quiet up here in the mountains and it's dry, too. Do you have a humidi-humidifier?\nKyle Two: I don't think so.\nKyle: Uh, can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the night stand. Make sure they're close by, because that fish upset my stomach and I might need them if I have to go to he bathroom later on.\nKyle Two: Okay. [reaches for the light and turns it off, then tries to sleep. That distinctive breathing returns as Kyle slowly goes to sleep, and Kyle Two takes a peek. Kyle swallows and turns his head to the left. Kyle Two looks at him, annoyed, then turns his back on Kyle and tries to sleep again]\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's working at an artist's desk in his bedroom. On the wall are drawings of various types of aircraft, and on the floor around him are bits and pieces of all kinds of vehicles, including bicycle gears, airplane propellers, car motors, a muffler. To his right is a dresser with a small color TV on top. Mr. Hat is present on his right hand, as always\nMr. Garrison: Now it's got to be simple. Like a moped, but with the ability to travel at much faster speeds. The designs of our electrical moped were altered with a- no, nonono this won't work either!\nMr. Hat: What was wrong with that plan?\nMr. Garrison: It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat! A moped would be too dangerous at those speeds. Damnit! [tries something new] Now, what if the jet power of an aircraft could be scaled down into a personal vehicle?\nMr. Hat: Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass around.\nEnrique Iglesias: [on TV, gyrating his hips around, holding his crotch in his left hand, the back of his head with the right one] ...I think about you day and night. I think about you...\nMr. Garrison: Oh, Mr. Hat! Would you stop drooling over Enrique Iglesias and... wait a minute. What did you say?\nMr. Hat: I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass!\nMr. Garrison: That's it. Gyration. [pulls something onto his desk] A gyroscope. [sets it in motion] It would allow for maximum balance and yet... Mr. Hat! You're a genius! [starts writing again] It's so simple and yet genius!\nMr. Hat: Check out his hot bulge, too.\nScene Description: Bus stop, next day. Kenny, Stan and Cartman wait at the stop. The two Kyles walk up to them\nStan: Hey dude.\nCartman: What's that thing?\nKyle Two: Cartman, I need to talk to you. [takes him off to one side]\nKyle: [to Stan] Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin Kyle.\nKyle Two: Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal.\nCartman: What?\nKyle Two: That kid over there is my cousin from the East Coast. He's having a really hard time right now, so I'm going to offer you forty dollars to not rip on him.\nCartman: Forty bucks?\nKyle Two: But you can't make fun of him AT ALL. No smartass comments, nothin'.\nCartman: Alright, alright.\nKyle Two: And you especially can't say anything about Jews!\nCartman: Aw, Jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls?\nKyle Two: Cartman, no Jew jokes! All you have to do is keep your mouth shut, and you've got forty bucks! Can you do it? [Cartman looks past Kyle Two and sees Kyle talking away at the bus stop]\nKyle: I can't believe how cold it is out here.\nCartman: [pulls back and mulls his chances] Could be tough. But I'll give it a shot.\nKyle Two: Alright. [both return to the bus stop]\nKyle: It's a really dry cold; that's the problem. It- the cold air makes me wheeze.\nKyle Two: [formal introductions] Kyle, this is Cartman, my sort of... friend-ish.\nKyle: [goes over to greet Cartman] Ot- Nice to meet you, Cartman. Yuh you know, I saw that same jacket you're wearing at Bosco's for $29.95. How much was yours? Um, I juh- I was just wondering if Bosco's is a ripoff?\nCartman: [weakening] ...Oh, man.\nKyle: [observes this and gets angry] Cartman?!\nCartman: [snaps into action] Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle. I can certainly tell you're a relative of my good friend Kyle here. [at that moment, a large wheel zips by the bus stop, and the kids cover their eyes]\nStan: What the hell was that?\nScene Description: Neighborhood, day. Barbrady stops Craig's father in his car and is writing out a ticket when the large wheel zips by them.\nOfficer Barbrady: Uh what the hell was that?\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. People walk about doing stuff. The giant wheel zips by them as well, but few seem to notice\nStuart: What the hell was that?\nRandy: I dunno, it was going so fast I couldn't see it. [looks at Stuart] But I want one.\nStuart: Yep, me too.\nScene Description: Garrison's house, curb level. The giant wheel stops and two legs dismount. It's Mr. Garrison, beaming with pride and confidence\nMr. Garrison: We've done it, Mr. Hat. Airline companies be damned. We've invented a whole new mode of transportation! Get some investors on the phone! [Mr. Hat doesn't move] Well what are you waiting for?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is now in session.\nMs. Choksondik: And I know you'll all be very nice to our new student. [To Kyle] Kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?\nKyle: Oh well, I I grew up in the shity, ah ah I really don't care for it. Ah I come from a Jewish family, which of course you already know, because Kyle's from the same family. [Kyle Two buries his face in his hands] I like to read, and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands - I don't know what they are.\nCartman: [resisting an urge] Ohmigod, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it.\nKyle: ...Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker.\nCartman: [resisting mightily] I... must.. fight it! Need... forty... dollars!\nMs. Choksondik: Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle? [Kyle goes to the desks, looks around, then runs around]\nKyle: Uh where should I sit? There's no place to sit down here.\nMs. Choksondik: Yes, unfortunately the school seems to be completely out of extra desks. So you'll just have to share with your cousin.\nKyle Two: What?\nKyle: Eh, oh, alright. [moves to Kyle Two's desk and squeezes in, and that breathing is heard again]\nMs. Choksondik: [turns to the blackboard] Now let's get on with our lesson on the-\nKyle: Ah-ah-ah-are wooden desks all that available? I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters.\nCartman: Ugh, ugh!\nMs. Choksondik: [faces the class] I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to make do. [turns to the blackboard again] Now let's get back to the le-\nKyle: Is it cold in here? I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death?\nMs. Choksondik: [faces the class] Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate.\nCartman: Oh!\nMs. Choksondik: Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.\nCartman: Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. AWGH! Damnit, damnit, damnit!\nKyle Two: CARTMAN!\nScene Description: News 4 Newsbreak. An anchor soon appears with a window of Mr. Garrison beside him\nAnchor: Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison has apparently invented a new vehicle that will give the airlines a run for their money. Mr. Garrison is putting the final touches on his top secret device, which he simply calls \"IT\". [\"IT\" appears in the window] So what exactly is \"IT\"? [\"IT?\" appears in the window] Here with a report is a Hispanic man with some gravy stains on his lapel. [a window with that reporter pops up and soon fills the screen. Behind him is the Garrison house, and a small crowd is standing outside]\nHispanic Reporter: Thanks, Tom, I-oh... [looks at his lapel and brushes some of the stain off] Thanks, Tom. So far, Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone get a look at his invention. He claims that the vehicle is sooo genius and revolutionary that it could cause one's eyes to bleed if not properly prepared to see it. But earlier today HBC News got footage of some of the country's top investors and richest people who have been invited for a first look, including: Steve Forbes [seen exiting a black limo], Steve Jobs [seen exiting a white limo], Ted Turner [seen exiting a helicopter], Donald Trump [seen exiting a private jet], Bill Gates [seen leaving his own ship, the U.S.S. Bill Gates XP], and Yasmine Bleeth [seen exiting a small dingy car and wiping her nose]. Their curiosity is piqued, Tom, and so is ours. What is \"IT\"? What does \"IT\"do? And when will IT be somewhere where I can buy one? Reporting live, Jeff Arrando [trills the Rs], HBC News.\nScene Description: Playground, day. Kids are on swings, hobby elephants, slides, etc, as the camera pans across. At the end of the pan, Kyle and Kyle Two face each other in a clearing\nKyle Two: You need to learn to play some sports, Kyle. So we're gonna start with a tough one called, \"Catch the Ball.\" I throw the football to you; you throw it back to me.\nKyle: Oh, bu- but isn't the cold air making the ball really hard? Ih-it's gonna hurt my hands.\nKyle Two: It's fine!\nKyle: Alright then, hu-how do I catch it?\nKyle Two: Ih it's a football, dude. You just- put your arms out and catch it. [Kyle's arms spread out] Alright, here we go. [throws the ball, and it lands in the snow in front of Kyle, who just looks at it]\nKyle: Now what?\nKyle Two: Now throw it back to me.\nKyle: But it's down in the snow.\nKyle Two: ...So dig it out.\nKyle: But I'll get snow on my gloves and then it will melt and I'll have wet hands.\nKyle Two: ...Well, then we'll dry them off!\nKyle: Alright, then. [walks to the ball and digs it out]\nKyle Two: [turns away] Oh my God.\nCartman: [offscreen] Kyle, Kyle! [arrives] I just found out that in World War II, some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps.\nKyle Two: [Angrily] Yeah! They WERE, Cartman!\nCartman: Oh, and see, I didn't realize that. But I understand now how you might've felt what I said in the classroom was a racial slut. But see, I had no idea.\nKyle Two: You did, too! You are so full of crap!\nCartman: No, I'm seriously! Because, um, I was, I was talkin' to Craig, and Craig was all like, \"Hey, did you know that in World War II they really HAD concentration camps?\" And I was all like, \"No way!\" And this little light went on in my head like, \"Aw man, no wonder Kyle thought what I said in the class, seemed like it was directed at his cousin.\" But, but I was literally talkin' about a concentration camp, you know, where you go for a week to learn and focus, you know. Oh, mahan. [Kyle Two gets even angrier] What a misunderstanding, huh? [tries to be chummy with Kyle. Kyle brushes him off]\nKyle Two: You blew the deal, Cartman!\nCartman: Goddamnit, give me another chance!\nKyle Two: [his cousin walks up behind him with the football] Nuh-uh, I knew you were gonna make fun of my lame cousin, so I paid you the forty bucks NOT to rip on him! You ripped on him, deal's off!\nKyle: Uh you did what? [Kyle Two blanches]\nKyle Two: [puts his mittens up to his cheeks] Oh no.\nCartman: Haha, [slaps him on the back] serves you right, asshole. [leaves]\nKyle: You, you paid your friends tuh... [hangs his head] not make fun of me?\nKyle Two: Look, ih it's not because anything's wrong with you.\nKyle: Wow uh, you think it takes forty dollars to get people to like me.\nKyle Two: Kyle, I-eh I'm sorry.\nKyle: Because I m-I mean I really think you could have done it for about $12.50.\nKyle Two: What?\nKyle: Well, I mean, you didn't just start at 40, didja? You you gotta low-ball these things so you have a place to go.\nKyle Two: Uh-uh-uh oh, dude. Uh [shuffles away]\nKyle: Boy it sure is dry out here.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, backyard. The invited guest sit in two rows of chairs\nMr. Garrison: Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely at incredibly fast speeds, and not having to go to the stupid fartface airports!\nMr. Hat: That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: It IS incredible, Mr. Hat. And what makes IT possible [the back gate open and Kyle walks in] is IT's patented gyroscope design. [he backs up and unveils the vehicle] Gentlemen, I give you, IT!\nGuests: Whoa.\nSteve Forbes: Nice.\nDonald Trump: Sweet.\nMr. Garrison: IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon, and is safely capable of speeds of over 200 miles per hour.\nGuests: Whoa. Wow.\nBill Gates: This will change everything.\nSteve Jobs: We're going to have to rethink cities!\nMr. Garrison: [puts on a helmet] Now, IT is easily operated using four flexigrip handles. Two of them are on each side. Left side for throttle, right side for steering. [operates each one as he describes it] The third flexigrip is gently inserted into the anus, to keep the driver in place. [gets into the wheel and activates the flexigrip. It extends into his anus and he groans as it locks him in.]\nGuests: Ugh. Oh.\nMr. Garrison: ...there we go. Now, the final flexigrip is directly in front of the driver so that its small switches can be operated with the mouth, as such. [begins to suck on the flexigrip, then stops] Put the four together and we're ready to go. [gets the four flexigrips to work in unison and the vehicles takes off, first one way...]\nSteve Jobs: Oh my God! [...and then the other. The guests turn to see IT zoom across the yard]\nSteve Forbes: Look at it go! [Garrison crashes through the fence and disappears in the distance. Kyle, standing next to the new hole in the fence, isn't hurt]\nBill Gates: But the way it works... do you think people will go through that to travel?\nSteve Forbes: Hey, it... still beats what you go through at the airports.\nGuest 1: True.\nGuest 2: Yup.\nGuest 3: Yeah, that's true.\nGuest 4: Yeap.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Two lights are on\nScene Description: Kyle Two's room. Stan is writing in a book as Kyle speaks\nKyle Two: I can't take it anymore, Stan. My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane.\nStan: I know, dude. Every kid in school wants to kick his ass.\nKyle Two: I spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... this... stereotype shows up and wrecks it all! You know what my biggest fear is? That I'll become him. That somehow his mannerisms will start rubbing off on me, and I'll become a stereotype. I mean, I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews.\nStan: Dude, a self-hating Jew? You are becoming a stereotype.\nKyle Two: Ya see?\nKyle: [opens the door] I'm ba-ack!\nKyle Two: [slaps his head] Ugh.\nStan: Book. Later, dude. [leaves the desk, walks to the door and around Kyle, and exits. Kyle Two gets out his own writing book and starts writing. Kyle's breathing can be heard, and Kyle Two stops. Kyle eats a bit of cracker and Kyle Two resumes writing. After a while he grimaces, then buries his face in his arms]\nScene Description: South Park, day. The day for IT's unveiling is here, and it's being offered at Better Buy. Another camera focuses on the Hispanic reporter\nJeff Arrando: Tom, the day is finally here. IT has arrived for retail sale, and people are getting their first look at it.\nMr. Garrison:: [showing Craig's father how it works] Okay, good. Just step through here [the man does so] And then this is your steering and here's your throttle.\nCraig's father: Okay. [starts working the flexigrips]\nMr. Garrison: Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little pinch.\nCraig's father: [feeling it] HAAAOW!\nMr. Garrison: It's alright, it's just locking you in. [some more groans from the man] You can take it. [looks up to see another rider] Doing great, Kathy. How's that ride? [she mumbles something, gives a thumbs-up, and continues driving. Garrison goes back to Craig's father] Okay, now use your mouth to operate the turn signals, and you're off. [the man gets all four flexigrips going, and he begins to roll down the street. Two men bring out a new one] Great! Who else wants to give it a spin? [an elderly woman steps forth grinning]\nScene Description: In front of Better Buy. IT drivers move about as Randy and Stuart look on. Craig's father rolls to a stop next to them\nRandy: Oh, man, it that the IT?\nCraig's Father: Hehyeah.\nStuart: How is it?\nCraig's Father: Well, ugh. Ih ih it beats dealing with the airline companies, that's for sure. [rolls on]\nScene Description: Neighborhood, day. The boys have Kyle on a sled, which is tied to...\nKyle: I don't know about this, guys. I think sleds are dangerous.\nKyle Two: Look, Kyle. Sledding is something all kids out here do. You've gotta learn.\nKyle: It seems like I might get splinters, though.\nKyle Two: [moves to the front of the sled to face his cousin] Remember: Just hold on. No matter how long the sledding run lasts, hold on.\nKyle: Hold on. I see. [...a bus. It revs up and leaves, headed for Connecticut. The rope between the bus and sled tightens, and the sled takes off] Oh, Jeezus, this sled is going faaaast.\nKyle Two: [calls out] Hang on!\nKyle: I have to watch out for my glasses. Ow! Ow, it's so cold! Oh Jesus! [the bus goes around a corner and is gone]\nKyle Two: How far do you think it is to Connecticut?\nKyle: It's a least a couple of hours.\nKyle Two: Think he'll be alright?\nCartman: [leaving] He's faaahn.\nScene Description: Commercial\nAnnouncer: [shot of a plane in the air, then of a full cabin] Are you tired of corporate airline companies treating you like a worthless sardine? [angry faces crowded into each other] Tired of ridiculous lines and horrible security at airports? [angry, vocal crowds yelling at security guards who seem to be taking their time. Next: shot of the plane in midflight again] Well, now there is an alternative to airline travel. [Next shot, an IT zooming down the road. The camera now moves along with IT] IT. [the driver leans to the left a bit to see where he's going] IT has taken the country by storm. [A J-mart is shown, and several ITs are parked out in the lot] And already two million have been sold. [An IT driver is shown going down the street. Another IT driver passes him] Never have another important business trip ruined by airline incompetence. [two elderly women ride to the edge of a canyon] Hey ladies! How did you get to the Grand Canyon? [they answer, but their voices carry and blur in the canyon. Next shot: a woman exits her house with her baby] IT comes in sizes for the entire family.\nWoman: [putting the baby, Robby, into his own small IT.] Here you go, Robby. [Robby cries]\nJohn Travolta: [in a studio stage, Stage C, somewhere, gets off his chair] Hello, I'm John Travolta. I used to rely on airlines to get me to set, but once I got used to IT, [walks over to IT and gets in] I found it to be a little less painful than dealing with the airline companies. I just power up the flexigrips. [groans in pain as the anal flexigrip takes hold] And I'm ready to go. Thank you, IT. [revs up and takes off.]\nAnnouncer: [a shot of ITs entering and leaving a parking lot] So join the millions of Americans who have felt a little more comfortable with... traveling. [the oral flexigrip squirts something in a driver's eye. The IT logo appears] Order yours today and remember our slogan: IT's better than flying.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Kyle Two has finished watching the commercial\nKyle Two: ...Hm, that was pretty gay. [starts humming, and Sheila enters the room]\nSheila: Kyle Two, where is Kyle?\nKyle Two: [poised] I don't know, Mom. Last time I saw him he was sledding.\nSheila: Where on earth could he be? [starts to leave]\nKyle Two: You know, it's just possible he went back to Connecticut.\nSheila: [quickly returns] What?\nKyle Two: Well, ah I mean, maybe he got so worried about his mom that found a way to get back and see her.\nSheila: Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two. He's out playing with his new friends.\nKyle Two: I'm just throwin' it out there as a possibility. [the doorbell rings and he goes to answer the door]\nKyle: [at the door] I'm ba-ack.\nKyle Two: AAA!\nKyle: [enters] I'm sorry. You must've been worried sick. I got your sled tangled up with a bus. [looks at Kyle Two]\nKyle Two: A, a bus. R-really?\nSheila: [rushes up] Kyle, what happened to you??\nKyle: Ah- I was just sledding, and the next thing I knew my sled rope got tangled with a bus, uh. I gut dragged for over a hundred miles before the bus finally stopped for gas. [gives Kyle Two the remains of the sled] I'm sorry about your sled, Kyle.\nKyle Two: Oh no- don't worry about it, dude.\nSheila: Oh you poor thing! Come upstairs and we'll get you out of those wet clothes. [leads him away. Kyle Two looks dismayed] Are you alright?\nKyle: Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid from sitting on the sled for so long.\nScene Description: IT dealership, day. The IT has grown so popular it's left Better Buy for its own sale space. The camera pans across the showroom floor to Mr. Garrison, seated in front of an IT Motors Inc. sign. He's got a stack of bills to his right and a computer to his left, all on a futuristic desk\nMr. Garrison: We're in the money, Mr. Hat, We're in the money, Mr. Hat... [Jimbo, holding his lower back, walks up to Mr. Garrison] Oh hi, Jimbo. Can I help you?\nJimbo: Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm for my IT.\nMr. Garrison: [reaches under his desk and pulls out a form] Oh, right, right. Take a seat.\nJimbo: Uh, that's okay, I'll stand.\nMr. Garrison: [Randy walks up to the desk] What do you think, Mr. Marsh? All set to put a down payment on that baby?\nRandy: Well, yeah, but I have one question about the way it works.\nMr. Garrison: Sure.\nRandy: Well, [walks back to IT] it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexigrips are also found on the side of the vehicle.\nMr. Garrison: Yeup.\nRandy: [returns to the desk] Well... so... they don't really... do anything.\nMr. Garrison: Right.\nRandy: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?\nMr. Garrison: [thinks about this a moment] Well, I... guess you could. [a view of the showroom]\nMan 1: Huh?\nMan 2: Whazzat?\nMan 3: Wha- what did you- what did he say?\nMan 4: What?\nScene Description: Denver International Airport, day. A plane takes off. Inside the terminal the boys and Kyle stand around\nKyle: I don't know about this guys. I think playing hide and seek in the airport might be dangerous.\nKyle Two: Kyle, we told you: Kids in Colorado all play hide and seek at the airport.\nStan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how fun it is.\nKyle Two: [leans towards Stan and in a low voice] Ungh, this is taking too long. The flight to Connecticut is about to leave. [looks at the guard] Ey! Can we speed things up here??\nSecurity Guard: Daaah, sorry, but ever since that IT thing came out the airlines have had to cut back on employees.\nKyle Two: Dude, we're the only ones here! How long does it take five people through security?!\nSecurity Guard: Derr, let's see: Twelve people... plus... times... divided... two hours domestic, three hours international.\nKyle: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?\nKyle Two: No!\nSecurity Guard: [to Kenny] Dah ha! What's this?! A toenail clipper! [rises to his feet and aims a gun at Kenny] Die, terrorist! [kills him with one shot]\nKyle: Oh, Jesus!! [the corpse starts to bleed]\nSecurity Guard: See, we do these checks for a reason!\nKyle Two: This is ridiculous! Come on! [leaves. The others except Kyle follow. Cartman stops and pulls Kyle away. The boys head through some doors designated for employees only, with security bypass]\nScene Description: Tarmac, outside. The boys stop at a plane ready to take off\nKyle Two: Okay, Cartman, you're it. Start counting. [Kyle Two pulls Kyle away, Stan follows]\nCartman: [turns toward the landing gear and buried his face in a wheel, then starts counting] 1, 2, 3, 4...\nKyle Two: [Stan and Kyle Two stop at a box] Here, Kyle. You go hide in here. [shows him the box]\nKyle: In there? But it's very confined. I'll get cramps in my legs.\nKyle Two: JUST GET IN THE BOX!\nKyle: Uh, alright then. [goes in. Stan and Kyle Two quickly seal the box with wrapping tape and carry it off] Oh, would you look at that? I've got a corn on my ankle. [the two boys toss the box into a luggage cart, an employee tosses the box onto the conveyor, and it falls into the cargo bay with the other luggage] Now where did that one come from? That's the fourth one I've had- [the plane taxis to the runway and is ready to take off]\nKyle Two: I hope he doesn't suffocate.\nCartman: [leaving] He's faaahn.\nStan: Yeah. He'll be waaay better off back at home. [he and Kyle watch the plane lift off]\nKyle: Oh, Jesus, this bus is going fast! [as the plane climbs, the side of it is shown: Air Antarctica] Oh, I did it again!!\nScene Description: IT dealership, day. Crowds mill around the dealership. Federal agents raid the building and start hauling ITs away. Mr. Garrison isn't pleased\nMr. Garrison: Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?\nAgent 1: It's alright, we're with the government.\nAgent 2: We're just shutting you down.\nMr. Garrison: Shutting me down? Why?\nAgent 3: [the first two agents exit with an IT] The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down!\nAgent 4: Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal.\nMr. Garrison: OH, GOD-DAMNIT! You'd better be kidding! [pounds the desk]\nAgent 5: Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired.\nMr. Garrison: THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!\nAgent 6: That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, \"it\" will be the last time. Have a nice night. [the agent and his partner walk off with the last IT and Garrison is left with a barren showroom]\nMr. Garrison: HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! [the agents, in their black cars and big rigs, leave]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. In the living room, Sheila paces the floor as Kyle sits on the sofa\nSheila: Oh, it's been days! Where can he be?\nKyle Two: I dunno, Mom. It's like he vanished into thin air.\nSheila: I'm gong to call the police again. Kyle Two, go down to the playground and look there.\nKyle Two: [gets off the sofa] I already checked the playground, Ma. [reaches the front door and opens it] I told you, he isn't really- [turns in astonishment to see Kyle back at the front door]\nKyle: I'm back.\nKyle Two: GAAAH! [hangs his head in dismay]\nSheila: [offscreen] Kyle! [Kyle enters] You're back!\nKyle: Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I hid myself on a plane to Antarctica. Oh, it was so dry down there.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, a few days later. Stan and Cartman approach the door. Inside, Kyle is standing in the living room, his arms crossed. He's clearly pissed off. The door opens, and Stan and Cartman walk in.\nStan: So dude, did Cartman's idea work?\nKyle Two: No. I tried getting my cousin lost in the woods, but a stupid bear brought him home.\nStan: Damn!\nKyle Two: I just have to face facts that I'm goin' to live with my crappy cousin forever.\nKyle: [approaching with Sheila, carrying suitcases, ready to go home] Well, Kyle, I I gotta go.\nKyle Two: [the boys are stunned] ...What?\nKyle: Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut.\nSheila: Now that things have changed for Kyle, his mother needs him back.\nKyle Two: [gasps in relief and turns to Kyle] Do you promise?? [steps back] I mean, oh. Thah-uh that's too bad, dude. What, what changed for you?\nKyle: Well, I- I invested in that IT thing, and there was a bailout, so I received a five million dollar bailout clause check, which, which I can use to help my family, so, I- I guess, goodbye, cousin. [heads for the door with Sheila]\nKyle Two: Okay. See ya, cousin. Hope to see ya soon. [once Kyle is out of earshot, says in a low voice] Not too soon, I hope.\nStan: Yeah, haha.\nCartman: Heheheheheh. [the door is heard opening and they realize what Kyle just told them]\nAll Three: Five million dollars??? [they quickly rush up to Kyle and block him from leaving the house. Sheila is already outside]\nKyle Two: Dudedudedude! You- you have five million dollars??\nKyle: Yeah, I don't know what to do with it, though. Well, see ya.\nKyle Two: [holds his palms out] Wait. Kyle, this may sound crazy, but I think you should stay!\nStan, Cartman: Yeah!\nKyle: Re- really?\nKyle Two: Yeah. You see, I've learned something today. [Sheila watches from outside, waiting for Kyle. Music starts up] Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at, at school and,... [music dies] and um... Let's see, what did I learn about? [voice fading, strokes his chin] What did I learn about today?\nCartman: [steps forth] I- I, I learned that... you shouldn't judge somebody because... that-no, wait.\nKyle Two: Nonono, it was good! What were you going to say?\nKyle: Listen, guys, I appreciate you wanting me around, but, the fact of the matter is, well, yeh, you guys are just kind of douche bags.\nKyle Two: ... Uhwhat?\nKyle: I mean, yeyou people are all just such hick jock rednecks; it's just like you right out of a stereotyped catalog. [picks up his suitcases and goes towards the door] Ah I can't take it. See ya. [walks out and joins his aunt to the car. The boys are left stunned, having been judged and found wanting once again]\nKyle Two: Dude! Weak.\nCartman: [turns to Kyle] ...Good job, Jew!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters stands in front of the class witha small volcano - his science experiment.\nButters: ...And so, just like in nature, ah I can add the mixture into the volcano and... [throws his head back, closes his eyes, and chants] O Pele! God of Fire! Show us you uh- [the belching volcano draws his attention as it coughs up the \"lava\"] Aw, it's all uh g-gooey.\nMs. Choksondik: Okay, good job, Butters. You get a check.\nButters: Ah, thank you, Ms. Choksondik! [wheels his experiment back to his desk] I got a check. That's like a C!\nMs. Choksondik: Okay. Whose project should we look at next? How aboouuut Eric? [tape is heard leaving its spool] Eric Cartman?\nCartman: [wrapping something together] Stand by, please.\nMs. Choksondik: NOW Eric!\nCartman: [leaving his seat] Oh, god dammit!\nKyle: Haha!\nCartman: Shutup, Jew! [moves to the clearing, turns around, and faces the class. He clears his throat] Yes, well. For my project, I made a pencil, taped to a pen. In this way we see the duality of writing devices that occur in nature.\nMs. Choksondik: You just put that thing together just now! I'm giving you a check minus.\nCartman: Oh GODDAMMIT I HATE CHECK-MINUS!\nMs. Choksondik: Siddown. [Cartman walks towards his desk]\nCartman: I'll make you eat your parents!\nMs. Choksondik: What did you say?!\nCartman: Nothing! [takes his seat]\nMs. Choksondik: Alright, Token, you're next. [Token leaves his seat carrying a laptop computer, then turns towards the class]\nToken: Using my laptop computer, I hooked into the Internet and found a meteorology Web site. [pops open the case and displays the page] I donwloaded the data, and with my dad's video projector, I can show you the graph I made of predictable weather patterns over the next three months. [pulls the projector over and plugs it into the laptop, then runs the graph. The resulting projection shows cloud formations moving across the U.S. Ms. Choksondik is impressed]\nClyde: Wwooww.\nToken: [turns around and shows some sheets to the class] I also printed out the results on my color printer. Here you are, Ms. Choksondik. [hands her the papers]\nMs. Choksondik: Very very good, Token. You get a check plus.\nToken: Alright! [goes back to his seat with his laptop]\nCartman: Aw, that is such bullcrap!\nMs. Choksondik: [sigh] Eric, for the love of God. [drops her head down to her desk]\nCartman: No! No, see, this is the fundamental flaw with the check check-plus check-minus system! The only reason Token was able to do all that is because his family is rich!\nToken: My family isn't rich.\nCartman: Oh, come on, Token! Your new house is four times the size of anyone else's in town! And who else gets crab cakes and, and lobster tail in their lunch boxes?!\nStan: Your family is rich, dude.\nToken: But I...\nCartman: [leaves his seat and walks over to Token] Let's just see where Token's clothes come from, shall we? [tugs at his sweater] Ooooo, Armani Exchange!\nKyle: Aharmani Exchange?\nCartman: All the rest of us have to buy our clothes at J mart! Have you even been inside a J mart, Token?! [Token opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it up instead] I didn't think so! [moves back to his seat.]\nStan: Yeah, dude, your family is so rich they have their own pool table.\nButters: Yeah. And their own sprinkler system. You don't think you're rich? [zoom in on Token's face as he realizes they may be right]\nScene Description: Token's house, after school. His parents are at the sofa. His father reads a newspaper; his mother, a book. Token walks in\nLinda: [notices and lowers her book] Hello Token. How was school today?\nToken: Mom? Dad? Why do we have a bigger house than everybody else in South Park? [both parents blink and lower their reading materials]\nBob: Well, because we have more money, son.\nToken: I know. But why?\nBob: ...W-well, because we went to graduate school and therefore have more lucrative jobs than most people in town. For instance, your mother is a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, whereas your friend Eric Cartman's mother is a crack whore. One pays more than the other.\nLinda: Why, sweetie? What's the matter?\nToken: All the kids at school made fun of me today because I'm rich.\nBob: ...Oh.\nToken: I don't wanna be rich anymore! I wanna eat macaroni and cheese for dinner and, and wear clothes from J mart!\nLinda: [voice quivering] J mart?\nBob: [comforts Linda] Son, you, you don't know what you're saying.\nToken: I just wanna be like all the other kids in South Park. Please, Mom and Dad, please. [his parents blink and look at each other]\nScene Description: J mart, later. A small SUV pulls into the J mart lot. Token takes his first look at J mart. He is awed by it and pleased at the chance to shop there.\nBob: You... sure you want to do this, son?\nToken: I'm sure. [the SUV stops and Token hops out. His parents follow, but just stand by the car]\nLinda: Hmmm...\nBob: Where's the... valet?\nLinda: He must be parkiing someone else's car.\nBob: Ah, here we go. [moves to his right as a man approaches and stops the man] Take good care of it, please. [puts the keys in the man's hands] Here's twenty dollars. [the man just stands there. The family walks into J mart through the center doors] Hoh? [shields his eyes from the lights] They've activated some kind of alien blinding device.\nToken: That's not a blinding device, Dad. It's fluorescent lighting.\nBob: [relaxing] Oh.\nLinda: [calling out] Excuse me, where can where would we find young men's fashion apparel? [an obese blonde woman appears]\nObese Woman: Aisle 6, next to the pretzels.\nBob: [eyes widen] Next to the-?!\nToken: Come on! [runs forth. His parents follow, his father shielding his eyes. Token stops at a clothes rack and pulls out a pair of pants] Hey look: there pants are only five bucks apiece. They must really suck. What do ya think?\nLinda: What, what brand are they?\nToken: It doesn't matter, Mom. They're poor people pants.\nRandy: [nearby with Sharon, who is checking out toilet paper] Hey, uh, Sharon? Isn't that the Williamses?\nSharon: [puts the paper in the shopping cart] Huh? [looks to see] Oh. Yeah, it is. [they see Token look at more pants] What are they doing here? They can afford to shop at Cherry Creek. [nearby two shopping carts clash]\nLiane: Do you see that, Sheila? The Williamses are shopping here.\nSheila: I don't get it. He must pull in at least two hundred thousand a year. [others stop and stare as Token brings out another pair of pants for comparison. More people stop and stare, and a long silence follows]\nBob: S-son, can you just hurry it up? I don't think we quite fit n here.\nScene Description: Stan's house, afternoon. In the living room, six boys are gathered on the floor around a board game: Clockwise: Craig, Tweek, Clyde, Cartman, Stan, Kyle\nCartman: Oh, looks like you landed on Park Avenue, Stan. You own me ten million dollars.\nToken: [enters the room] Hey you guys. [has a DVD under his arm]\nStan: Oh hey, dude. Did you bring the movie?\nToken: I sure did.\nCartman: Hey, you changed your clothes, Token.\nToken: Yeah, well, you know, I did a little shopping at J mart.\nStan: [gets up and walks over to Token] Alright, well, let's just watch the Lion King. Cartman's cheating anyway. [stops next to Token]\nToken: Here you go. [hands him a DVD disk]\nStan: [looks at the disk] What's that?\nToken: It's a DVD of the Lion King\nStan: DVD? We don't own a DVD player.\nKyle: Yeah, dude. [rises and joins Stan and Token] Nobody does. They're too expensive.\nCartman: Not too expensive for Token's rich ass family, apparently. [the others laugh and gether around Token]\nCraig: Don't you have a VHS of it?\nToken: I only have this.\nCartman: [takes the DVD and holds it up] Oh, well, let me take this disk up to the Enterprise and see if Captain Kirk can decrypt it. [the others laugh]\nToken: What's a VHS?\nCartman: Oh, Jesus, dude. [Lowers the disk and laughs with the others]\nStan: Come on, guys. We'll just have to find other stuff to do. [heads for the door]\nKyle: [jokingly] What's a VHS? [laughs and the others laugh as they head for the door. Cartman tosses the DVD to Token, but it just falls to the floor.]\nScene Description: Token looks at the DVD, then at the boys, then at the DVD. He lets the DVD case fall to the floor on top of the DVD and leaves the house. Music comes up as he leaves the Marsh house\nToken: Why can't I be like all the other kids? [sees Kenny and brother Kevin playing on their lawn. Kenny is flying around getting dizzy while Kevin plays with a deflated basketball.] They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns. [hops onto a wooden box and peeks in - he sees Butters eating] And cut-up hot dogs for lunch It's not my fault my parents succeed so much. [leaves the window and walks over to Stark's Pond, then sits and pulls out a dollar coin from a small collection. The pond has thawed, and lily pods can be seen on the water. Token tosses the coin, and it skips across the water. He then walks on and stops across the street from the South Park Welfare Office. Craig and his family leave the office with their welfare check as Cartman and mom walk in.] There's no one in town I can relate to. I play with autographed baseball bats [he fades into a baseball uniform and holds a bat with Barry Bonds' signature on it] while everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones [across the street he sees a baseball game, with Kyle pitching, Cartman catching, Stan at bat, Clyde in left field, and three other boys. Sticks and cones are being used. Stan hits the cone. It sails away and Stan rounds the bases] Has a boy ever felt so alone? [drops his bat and glove and walks away, then stops and gets a look of determination.] Well, who needs them anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not [rushes home and goes to his desk to work on something - a 2-page tabloid ad extolling South Park as the next Aspen] If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got. If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around, So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so... down. [he finishes, puts the ad into a sturdy envelope addressed to Forbes Magazine Department with some bills, and goes to the window to look at the sunset. Outside, the camera pulls back from the window] Please, God, send more rich kids... To my... Town [As the camera pulls back, Token's house is shown to be big indeed, with a three- or four-car garage set back some distance from the street. To the right, two more houses appear, but they are small next to the Williams house.]\nScene Description: Next shot, a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. The camera pulls back to show Will Smith reading Forbes Magazine\nWill Smith: Ooo, look at this, honey. [his wife Jada walks up] A beautiful unspoiled town in the Rockies. This is just what we've been looking for!\nJada Pinkett Smith: \"Like Aspen was 30 years ago.\" Sounds nice.\nWill Smith: We could buy hundreds of acres of land for next to nothing! And then I could finally live like a cowboy.\nJada Pinkett Smith: Oh Will, the country would be such a nicer place to raise our kids!\nWill Smith: O kids? [they show up]\nOlder Boy: Yes, Daddy?\nWill Smith: How would you like to move to the Colorado Rockies?\nOlder Boy: The mountains, Daddy?\nGirl: Can we have horses?\nOlder Boy: O can we? Can we Daddy?\nWill Smith: You bet!\nKids: Hooray!\nScene Description: South Park, soon after, day. A new four-story mansion rises in a new lot. A crane positions the new fountain in a circular driveway in front of the mansion. Token grins as he watches the laborers work. A limosine and a moving truck pull up behind him. Will Smith and family pour out of the limo\nWill Smith: Well, here it is. Our home to be.\nJada Pinkett Smith: Oh, Will, it's beautiful.\nToken: [turns to greet them] Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood!\nWill Smith: Why thank you, young man. We're the Smiths.\nOlder Boy: Ah, a local boy. You shall be our new playmate. I'm Frederick. This is my sister Lisa, and my brother Daniel [the younger boy grins and waves]\nToken: I'm Token.\nLisa: Our daddy is a very famous actor. What does your daddy do?\nToken: Aah, he's a lawyer. I think.\nWill Smith: How quaint. Kids, why don't you play with little Token while your mother and I check out the town.\nFrederick: Very well. Come, local boy. [the kids move off] Show us how to play your mountain games.\nToken: All right! [rushes to catch up to them, but returns and stops] Thanks, God. [runs to catch up with the others]\nScene Description: Token's mansion, later. Token leads the Smith kids on a tour of the mansion\nToken: ...And this is the room where my mom and dad keep their original v-Van Gogh painting.\nFrederick: Yes, yes, we have one of those, too. In fact, we have seven of them, I believe.\nToken: [with relief] You do? God, that's great!\nDaniel: Why?\nToken: I'm just so happy you guys moved into town. You see, I used to be the only rich kid. All the other families here are kinda [motions a low palm] low to [raises his arm to shoulder level] middle-income.\nLisa: Why? What happened to all their money?\nToken: Well, they never really had any money.\nLisa: Well, then, why don't their daddies just act in a movie?\nToken: Well I... think that.. they...\nFrederick: Sometimes children must be very firm with their daddies.\nLisa: Indeed.\nFrederick: Like when Daddy doesn't want to act in a movie because he thinks the script is bad.\nLisa: So we must plead with him: [falls on her knees] \"Please, Daddy, please! It's twenty million dollard, Daddy.\"\nDaniel: [falls on his knees] \"Please, Daddy, please!\"\nFrederick: [falls on his knees] \"Twenty million is still twelve million after taxes, Daddy!\"\nLisa: \"I want a llama, Daddy!\"\nFrederick: \"I'd do the picture, Daddy!\"\nLisa: \"Please, Daddy!\"\nFrederick: \"Daddy, please!\"\nLisa: \"Daddy, do the movie, Daddy!\"\nDaniel: \"But Daddy!\" [all three rise]\nFrederick: And so Daddy does the picture.\nToken: ...That's ...great.\nLisa: Twenty million dollars great.\nScene Description: A recording studio. A rapper is laying down some tracks.\nSnoop Dogg: I found a girl who had an innie and I felt her with my jimmyPlayer-haters try to do me 'cause my rhymes are just tooo-\nEngineer: Sorry, Snoop Dogg, but Will Smith is on line three for you?\nSnoop Dogg: Oh. [removes his headphones and answers the telephone] William! How are you buddy?\nWill Smith: [back in South Park on a public phone] Great, Snoop Dogg, and you?\nSnoop Dogg: Couldn't be better. I'm just laying down some vocals for my new album.\nWill Smith: [chuckle] Great, Snoop-Snoop. Listen: Remember how we always talked about wanting to buy property up in the mountains so our kids could ski and ride horses?\nSnoop Dogg: Oho yes, the kids bug me about it all the time.\nWill Smith: Well I found the place, Snooty-roo. It's in the Rockies, but totally undiscovered, laid-back, and beautiful.\nSnoop Dogg: Ogh. It sounds lovely!\nWill Smith: You really should come give it a look. Jada and I would love for some friends to move here with us.\nSnoop Dogg: I certainly will, William. And perhaps I'll give ol' Maigc and Kobe Bryant a call. They've been looking for vacation properties as well.\nWill Smith: Great! Well, let me let you get back to your recording.\nSnoop Dogg: Hah, see you soon. Bye. [hangs up and puts on his headphones]\nWill Smith: Bye. [hangs up]\nSnoop Dogg: Alright, let's take it from the top, gang. [the rhythm starts up again and plays for a few seconds...]I shout \"Hell Yeah!\" from my vehicle. Livin' is a miracle-\nScene Description: South Park, day. Another rich family moves into town. Jimbo, Ned, and Mr. Garrison watch from across the street.\nMr. Garrison: Look, there's more of them moving into our town. [other men join these three. Among them are Randy, Gerald, Stuart, and Skeeter] You know, Oprah Winfrey is building a house up on Cannon, and some Snoop Doggy Doo Doo buildin' a gigantic place up on Main.\nJimbo: Yep, there goes the neighborhood. [a shot of the new family headed for the house]\nMr. Garrison: That's the fifth family of them that's moved here. Seems like all of a sudden South Park is being overrun by those types.\nGerald: Hey! W-what are you saying? What \"types\"?\nMr. Garrison: [pointing] Yiou know, those types! Rich people! [shot of movers and family members moving furniture into the new home]\nJimbo: Oh. I don't take kindly to rich folk. Neither does Ned.\nNed: Nnnope.\nJimbo: I remember back in the day, RICH folk weren't alLOWED in South Park! Now thery're movin' here in droves!\nSkeeter: They're gonna be sending their kids to our schools, and mixin' them with our pure, non-rich kids!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, yeah, and it won't be long before they drove all of us poor underachieving people out of town with inflated real-estate costs!\nSkeeter: Damn, I hate those stupid richers!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah. [calls out] Hey, rich guy! [a man holding a box of dishes is laughing at something his partner said, but both men look at Mr. Garrison, and the grin vanishes] Hey, Richie Rich! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, richer! What's in the huge box, richer?! Your checkbook? [the men laugh]\nJimbo: Yeah. How many rich people does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! They can hire people to do it for them! [the men laugh again]\nMr. Garrison: Yeah. Hey, hey, you guys know why richers have such big garages? 'Cause they need a place for all their Porsches and boats and aircraft carriers! [the men laugh. The two black men just look at this crowd] Yeah, that's right, cashchucker! Go have fun with your two million dollar house! [laughs. The two men across the street look at each other, confused, and go into the house with the boxes they pulled from the truck]\nJimbo: I guess we showed them!\nScene Description: Another house, nearby. A crane is positioning a swimming pool. Oprah Winfrey directs the workers from the edge of the lawn\nOprah Winfrey: A little to the left. That's great and- Let's put another pool over there. [a kid stands across the street, behind Oprah] Uh huh, good. [close-up in the kid - it's Token. Frederick approaches him from screen left]\nFrederick: Token, these are Oprah's newly-adopted children, Dominique and Zizi.\nDominique and Zizi: Hello. [Lisa and Daniel join Frederick so that Dominique and Zizi are behind them]\nToken: Hi.\nA Boy: [enters screen right] Cheerio!\nFrederick: Ah, and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P Diddy Mini, P Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size.\nToken: Wow, my plan to get rich people here sure did work. Hey, I got a great idea! Let's all pack some lunches and go sledding.\nLisa: Oh no, we're going shopping.\nThe kids: [exulting] Shopping!\nFrederick: Yes, come Token. We're all going to head down to the mall and buy some of the stores. [the group begins to move screen left as Token stands there]\nToken: Oh. Alright then. [turns right and joins the group]\nScene Description: The local bar, night. It's pretty busy, with people chatting away and enjoying their beer. Some motion is seen outside the doors, and soon they open. Three rich men enter and scan the bar, then move to a nearby table and sit. One of them is Kobe Bryant\nKobe Bryant: 'Scuse me, can ew get a couple of beers here? [the jukebox stops and all the bar patrons look at the new guests.]\nSkeeter: They've got nice expensive beers for you across the street at the new Wolfgang Puck's.\nKobe Bryant: That's alright, we just want some cheap beer tonight. [the men at the bar glare at the three men]\nBarkeep: ...Maybe you didn't see the sign out front: This bar is for people livin' below their means ONLY!\nMen: Yeah!\nKobe Bryant: This is a free country. I can have a drink wherever I want.\nMan 1: [stands up and urges] Come on, Kobe, let's just go.\nKobe Bryant: []This ain't over! This ain't over by a long shot! [leads his two friends out of the bar]\nMr. Garrison: [turns to the bar with the others next to him] Those richers are getting snooty. We've got to show those richers they're not welcome here!\nNed: Nn-what do you mean?\nMr. Garrison: How about tonight, we sneak up to one of their houses, and right on their lawn we'll set fire to a big lowercase \"t\"!\nJimbo: Lowercase \"t\"?\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, for \"time to leave\"!\nBar Patrons: Yeah!\nMr. Garrison: Jimbo, you take some folk and build a big wooden lowercase \"t\"! I'll take the rest and get some gas and torches ready!\nMr. Garrison: Alright!\nScene Description: Kobe's mansion, night. Through a bay window he's seen reading his newspaper in an armchair near a fireplace. A FOOM is heard and a flicker of light is reflected on the walls outside Kobe's house. He notices, takes a hard look, rises from his chair and goes to the front door. He opens it, annoyed, but his expression changes to one of fright. He sees the lowercase \"t\" burning on the lawn\nKobe Bryant: Tee. T- Time to- leave?\nMr. Garrison: [from some bushes across the street] T is for \"time to leave,\" cashchucker!\nKobe Bryant: I'm callin' the police. [moves inside to make the call]\nSkeeter: I think we scared 'im.\nJimbo: Yeah. Next house we'll do a capital T, to show 'em we REALLY mean business!\nMen: Yeah!\nScene Description: South Park, new polo grounds, day. A group of rich kids gather to begin a polo game. They all ride on ponies.\nFrederick: Now Token, polo is very simple. You simply must hit the williard into some cilium with your fracaman.\nToken: Well, yeah, but can't we just play without these uncomfortable uniforms? [the other players laugh]\nFrederick: [playfully jabs Token] \"Can't we play without the uniforms?\" Yes, um. Lert's eat caviar without Bellini's as well! [the others laugh] Now come, Token, and remember: it doesn't matter who wins. It matters who wins three times in a row. Tally ho!\nPlayers: Tally ho!\nPlayer 1: Oh!\nPlayer 2: Yay!\nPlayer 3: This is exciting.\nPlayer 4: Oh, Frederick, this is wonderful!\nCartman: What in the hell are they doing?\nKyle: Is that fun?\nStan: I don't know. We don't have horses, so we can't play.\nCartman: Well, let's just play our game, then.\nKyle: Alright.\nCartman: Alright, I'll start. I'll kick you in the nuts, Kenny! [goes over and kicks Kenny in the nuts - Roshambo has begin!]\nKenny: (Ow!)\nKyle: I'll kick you in the nuts, Stan! [goes and does so. Kenny kicks Cartman in the nuts. Cartman returns the favor]\nStan: I'll kick you in the nuts, Cartman! [leaves Kyle and kicks Cartman in the nuts. When he turns around Kenny kicks him in the nuts.]\nCartman: Kick his nutsack! [kicks Kyle in the nuts. Stan kicks Kenny in the nuts. Token rides up and stops to watch the boys while the game continues. Soon, a player and horse ram into his and knocks him and his horse away - It's Frederick.]\nFrederick: You see, you must pay attention, Token. I was able to jollyrow your davishmere with a forecastle.\nToken: [rises and dusts himself off as his horse leaves] This game is too confusing. How about we have a snowball fight?\nPlayer: A snowball fight?\nLisa: How barbaric.\nFrederick: Yes, Token, if you want to play such savage games, I suggest you go live with lions. [the other players laugh at him as we turns wand walks away from them.]\nToken: I don't fit in anywhere.\nScene Description: South Park, another part of town. Bill Cosby and his two kids\nBill Cosby: \nPassenger 1: Hey! What are you doing? If you're going to ride the bus in South Park, you're gonna have to sit in the FRONT!\nPassengers: Yeah\nPassenger 2: Yeah, that's where the first-class seating is! [points to the front. The Cosbys rise and head for the front, where four seats are empty. His daughter takes a seat to his left, across the aisle, his son takes a window seat, and he takes the aisle seat next to his son.]\nPassenger 1: Yeah. How do you like that, richer?!\nBill Cosby: Well it's very nice, actually\nPassenger 1: Yeah, I'll bet it is!\nBill Cosby: Very, very comfy.\nPassenger 1: Uh huh, looks like it.\nScene Description: A field, a while later. Token stands there talking to someone\nToken: Hello, my name is Token. I don't fit in with all the kids at South Park Elementary so, I invited a bunch of rich kids to move to town. The problem is, I don't fit in with them, either. That's why I've come to live with you. [the camera pulls back to reveal the field is actually a lion's lair. A sign outside the lair says AFRICANUS LIONUS CARNIVORUS. A waterfall gurgles nearby and lions laze about] So if you'll have me and raise me as one of your own, I promise to be the best lion I could be. [two lions growl at him] Uuuh, yeah.\nScene Description: Chef's house, day. Chef is seen shoveling snow off his driveway\nChef: Shovel that snow, babih, it's all nice, heavy and wet. Just- [he hears voices and spins around. A group of rich folk are marching in protest]\nMillionaire protesters: We shall perservere. We shall perservere.\nOprah Winfrey: You there, come march with us!\nChef: For what?\nOprah Winfrey: All the poor people in town think they can persecute and harass us decent rich folk.\nWill Smith: So we're uniting and marching on the town square!\nKobe Bryant: [raises his fist a la Black Power] The Million Millionaire March!\nMillionaire protesters: Yeah!\nOprah Winfrey: Come on, brother! [the protesters resume the march]\nChef: But... I'm not rich.\nWill Smith: [stops and looks at Chef] What? [the others stop]\nChef: I'm just a school cafeteria chef. Ahah I don't make much money.\nWill Smith: We'll give you a hundred dollars.\nChef: Woo, fudge the snow now. [tosses the shovel away and joins the march]\nMillionaire protesters: We shall perservere. We shall perservere.\nChef: [with the others] I shall perservere. We shall perservere.\nScene Description: The lions' lair at the zoo, later. Token takes a raw steak and bites into it, growling\nToken: RRrrr!! [rips a piece of steak off with his teeth and chews on it]\nMilly Larsen: [rushes up to the lair cage] Look at the little black lion, Mommy. [her mother passes by with her little sister in a stroller]\nMrs. Larsen: He's cute, isn't he? [the girl rejoins her mom and walks away. Two lions growl at each other and stand up, then leap down off their rock and stand next to Token. He move his steak out of their reach]\nToken: Roar! [the lions step back and look at each other]\nLion 1: What are you doing here, boy?\nToken: You- you talked. I, I understood you. I must be becoming a lion!\nLion 2: You're not becoming a lion. The only way you can do that is to see Aslan.\nToken: Who's Aslan?\nLion 1: Very well, walk this way. [they walk off, and Token gets on all fours to follow them. They go through a low entrance into a white cave in the middle of which sits a great lion - Aslan]\nAslan: [regal voice] Is this the boy who's been living in our realm?\nLion 2: Yes. [two other lions come in and watch]\nToken: Are... you... Aslan?\nAslan: M-I am.\nToken: [rises] Well, I'm Token\nAslan: So, you want to live with the lions, do you?\nToken: Yes. Um. Great Aslan. I don't fit in anywhere else.\nAslan: And what makes you think you can fit it with us?\nToken: Well, I don't know.\nAslan: Do you like jokes?\nToken: What?\nAslan: Jokes! You know, funny, hahaaa. Us lions love jokes.\nToken: ...I like jokes a lot.\nAslan: Mmm. Then there may be hoipe in you yet, young apprentice lion. Very well. We wihill let you stay, if... you can pull this thorn from my paw. [holds up his left paw. Token looks at it, and Aslan moves it closer to him] Go on, try it. Pull my thorn! Come on! Pull my thorm! [Token approaches it and pulls the thron out. Aslan farts and the two escort lions snicker softly] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho! [the other lions burst out laughing]\nToken: So can I stay?\nAslan: He-you may. But being a lion may be harder than you think.\nScene Description: The local bar, later. The bar patrons watch a TV as a report is heard. Seen are Mr. Garrison, Randy, Stuart, Skeeter, Gerald, Jimbo, and Ned.\nReporter: [not seen yet] A billion billionaires are gathering their ranks and will be marchng on the town square tonight [now seen on TV] in South Park to petition the end of separate bars, bus seating and restaurants. It looks like it will be a great turnout, as some of the millionaires also paid several thousand Mexicans to march for them. [a marcher carrying a rake and shover hears this and turns around]\nSkeeter: If they get that petition passed, it's all over.\nJimbo: I guess we learned our lesson: you can't fight rich folk; they're just too powerful.\nMr. Garrison: Now, come on! Is that any way to talk?\nSkeeter: They won, Garrison. They can't be scared out of town.\nMr. Garrison: No! We just haven't scared them the right way! Think about it. What scares rich people more than anything? [the other men think about this for a second]\nJimbo: ...Ghosts?\nMr. Garrison: Bingo! Rich people don't want to live in South Park if they think it's HAUNTED!\nMen: Yeah!\nMr. Garrison: Everyonen get some sheets from home! If we can't chase the richers out, we'll spook 'em out!\nMen: Alright! Yeah! Let's Go! Right!\nScene Description: The zoo, lion's lair, night. The lions have eaten and lay about on the boulders. One by one, they belch and the others laugh. Token sets his bowl down...\nToken: Huuuunh [...and walks over to Aslan] Aslan.\nAslan: Yes? What is it, young lion apprentice?\nToken: ...I thnk I'm gonna go home now.\nAslan: Home. But I thought your friends made fun of you at home.\nToken: They do. But, I guess I learned something today. You see, even though kids at South Park make fun of me, I still like hanging around them more than snobby rich kids or, lions. Even though I may be different from them, I still like my old friends best.\nAslan: It sounds like you learned much, young lion apprentice. Very well. But before you go, perhaps you would like... a stick of gum?\nToken: [recalling that lions love jokes] ...No thanks.\nAslan: Go on. It's spearmint!\nToken: No, because there's a spring in there, and if I pull the gum out, it's gonna hurt my finger.\nAslan: Oh. So you don't want any gum then? Are you... sure? Go on, try it!\nToken: [pulls the stick out of the pack, and a small spring-loaded bar hits his thumb] Ow. [half-heartedly]\nAslan: [leads the other lions in a bout of hysterics] That is good stuhuff! [continues laughing with the other lions]\nToken: [under his breath, as he leaves the lair] Jesus, lions suck!\nScene Description: South Park town square, night, in front of the Mayor's office. The billionaires are present, and Will Smith is at the podium\nWill Smith: And so it is with great determination that us decent rich Americans have gathered to say: \"We will be separated no more!\"\nMillionaires: Hooray!\nMayor McDaniels: This certainly has been an enlightening evening. And as Mayor, I accept your petition and will abolish all separation laws.\nMillionaires: Yeah!\nMayor McDaniels: And I want to assure the nation that is watching that South Park is not a town of prejudice or bigotry.\nVoices: Woooooo!! [\"ghosts\" appear from behind the various town buildings and rush towards the millioaire crowd. They surround the crowd, still makign ghost noises. The millionaires are startled]\nOprah Winfrey: What the-?\nMayor McDaniels: [shuts her eyes] God no. [Will Smith moves around not knowing what to do. A \"ghost\" spooks him]\nWill Smith: AAAaaahhh! [the \"ghosts\" begin to disperse the millionaires]\nMillionaire 1: Carl, do you see what I see?\nCarl: Yes, Martin. I do believe this town is hainted. [two \"ghosts\" come up and startle Martin and Carl. Nearby, Will Smith's kids stand in a huddle, scared]\nWill Smith: Kids! Go find the limo and get in! [the kids hurry off.]\nSnoop Dogg: [walks up to Smith] You didn't tell me this town was hainted!\nWill Smith: I didn't know! [grabs Snoop and shakes him] I.. DIDN'T... KNOHOHOHOW... [both men turn and flee as several \"ghosts\" move in on them. The \"ghosts\" take their sheets off: it's Skeeter, Mr. Garrison, Gerald, and Randy]\nSkeeter: It's working!\nGerald: They're scared to death!\nScene Description: A mansion, the same one Mr. Garrison and the men saw earlier as they commented on the new richers moving in, night. The family rushes towrads the front door\nMillionaire: Pack up your things quickly! We've got to get out of here! [some \"ghosts\" pop out from the bushes and drive the family away with their haunting noises.]\nScene Description: The town, night. \"Ghosts\" continue to chase the millionaires around. In the background, Stan leads a group of boys down the street. With him are Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Pip, Tweek, Clyde, and Craig\nStan: Oh hey, there's Token. [Token approaches them from the opposite direction]\nToken: Hey guys.\nStan: Dude, we're gonna play football. Do you wanna play?\nToken: You mean, you want me around?\nStan: Sure, dude, you're our friend.\nToken: Yeah, I know. But you guys always rip on me for bein' rich.\nStan: Dude, just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.\nKyle: Yeah. We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich just like we make fun of Butters for being wimpy.\nButters: They sure do.\nStan: Yeah, like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.\nKyle: Right.\nToken: That's right, huh?\nKyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.\nStan: Yeah, I get it for that.\nKyle: And Cartman for being fat.\nCartman: Uh huh.\nKyle: And Cartman for being stupid.\nCartman: Yeah.\nKyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.\nCartman: Hey.\nKyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole\nCartman: Ey, you did me already!\nToken: You're right, guys. From now on, I'm fine with being made fun of for being rich.\nStan: Oh, but we're not gonna rip on you for being rich anymore.\nToken: You're not?\nKyle: No dude. Because since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy.\nStan: [walks past Token] Yeah, so now you're a pussy. Pussaholic.\nKyle: [walks past Token, behind Stan] Come on, Nurse Token. We're gonna play football, you puss.\nCartman: [walks past Token, behind Kyle] Pussy. [Pip walks by without saying anything]\nButters: [walks past Token, behind Pip] Heh yeah, later, puss.\nCraig: [walks past Token, behind Butters] Ha, that guy's a pussy. [drags a sled behnd him. On the sled is Kenny, dead and badly beat up, with his right eye hanging out of its socket. Tweek and Clyde bring up the rear, and Token looks as they leave him behind]\nToken: [turns to face the other boys] Wait! I liked being ripped on for being rich better! [walks behind the other boys]\nScene Description: The rich enclave, later. The men of South Park have succeeded in chasing the rich folks out of town, and they gather in front of a mansion. They take off their sheets\nSkeeter: That was it. We just saw the last of them speeding away in a van!\nMen: Alright!\nGerald: They were so scared, I'm sure they'll never be back!\nMr. Garrison: That's great! And now we can sell all their homes, and become... millionaires!\nMen: [confused] What?\nJimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothin'. Don't you see: If you get rich sellin' these homes, then there will still be rich people in South Park.\nRandy: Yeah. You'd become what you hate.\nMr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni-"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it looks softer. It's snowing outside\nScene Description: Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed. She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed\nDoctor: Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for your abortion? [picks up her chart and reads as canned laughter is heard]\nMs. Sanders: Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess. [the laughter quiets down a bit, but still rolls]\nDoctor: Well, try to relax; It will all be over very soon. [more laughter]\nMs. Sanders: Docter, can we turn off that television? [switch to a wide shot of the room, and the television is seen. On screen is a comedy skit featuring Benny Hill and an elderly man. That's where the laughter comes from]\nDoctor: [looks up first] Oh yes, I 'm sorry. [moves to turn off the set and a close-up of the skit is shown: Benny Hill, dressed as a constable, raps the old man on the head and then shoos him along. The set is turned off, and the doctor returns to the woman's bed.] Now, there is one more thing.\nMs. Sanders: What?\nDoctor: Have you heard of stem-cell research?\nMs. Sanders: Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but... I don't know what it is.\nDoctor: Well basically, a lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses- [taps the woman's leg] ah- I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies.\nMs. Sanders: Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.\nDoctor: The hope is that someday it might. [hands her the release form and she signs it]\nMs. Sanders: Well okay. [hands the form back to him]\nDoctor: Great. [puts the form inside the cart] Well, here we go. [puts on his gloves]\nScene Description: Hallway outside operating room. A vacuuming sound is heard for a few moments before a janitor passes by with a vacuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out with a small container\nDoctor: Nurse? [a nurse arrives] This is to go to Alder's Labs for stem-cell research.\nNurse: Yes, Doctor.\nScene Description: The nurse takes the container and goes to the room next door. She types in a keypad combination and a song starts up: Willie Nelson's \"On The Road Again.\" She pours the contents of the container into a bio-hazard bag and places the back into a secure box. Outside, an Alder's Research Group truck backs up to the loading dock on the outside of Planned Parenthood. Clinic personnel gather the boxes and place them inside the truck's trailer. Once the last box is in they close the trailer and the truck rolls away.\nScene Description: The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to \"On The Road Again.\" and the driver joins in the singing\nTruck driver: ...going places that I've never beenSeeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side. It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the place. The driver is killed on impact, but the song continues to play...]\nScene Description: The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...\nCartman: [rides along] My baby takes the morning train and she takes another home again. Hmm. [sees the trashed truck and its contents] What do we have heah? [strokes his chin]\nScene Description: A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows around them are grazing\nStan: Well that burned a long time.\nKyle: Yeah, that was pretty good. [a cow near them drops five pellets and walks off]\nStan: [all three rush to the new dung] Oh dude, there goes one.\nKyle: [to Kenny] 'K go! [Kenny strikes a match and lights the dung, which yields a nice fire]\nStan, Kyle: Alright!\nKenny: (That's awesome) [coughs heavily]\nKyle: You've had that cough a while, Kenny. You okay?\nKenny: (All right. I'm fine.)\nButters: [rushing up to them] Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!\nStan: What, Butters?\nButters: Eric says you gotta come to his house right away.\nStan: Tell him we're busy.\nButters: Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that, so, he told me to tell you that you don't wanna miss this.\nKyle: What, did he lose a hundred pounds? [the boys laugh]\nButters: Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too, so he said t'say, uh, up your ass, Jew. [the boys stop laughing and look at him] Yeah.\nStan: Alright, let's go see what he wants. [the boys turn right and leave. Butters stays behind and looks at the melted turds. He approaches, squats, and sticks his finger in it]\nButters: Oh, it's all sticky. [wipes his finger off on his coat, leaving a streak of turd on it]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.\nKyle: Alright, Cartman! What's so important you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?!\nCartman: Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe it!\nStan: What?\nCartman: Guess what I have sitting in my back yard?\nKyle: A trampoline?\nCartman: Better.\nStan: A boat?\nCartman: Better.\nKenny: (A football machine?)\nCartman: Better.\nStan: Well WHAT, Cartman?\nCartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. [the boys look back at him for a long time] Oh yes.\nKyle: ...What? [closes his eyes in disbelief]\nCartman: Mint condition, tax free.\nStan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!\nKyle: I'm leaving right now! [turns and heads for the door]\nCartman: Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle!\nKyle: [turns around] You've never watched the news, fatass! [rejoins Stan and Kenny] And what the hell does that have to do with anything?!\nCartman: Stem cells, numbnuts!\nStan: Stem cells?\nKyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?!\nKenny: (What the fuck are stem cells?)\nKyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research show that they could be used to treat diseases.\nCartman: [points at Kyle] It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 3-2-1 Contact. With all the research that's going on, stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my back yard is an aborted treasure chest.\nKyle: ...I hate you so much. [turns around and heads back for the door again. The others turn and follow. Kenny coughs again.]\nCartman: Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can sell these fetuses all on my own!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.\nCartman: Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how much do you pay? ...No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. ...How about a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it. [later] Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. ...You're breaking my balls, Randy. [later] Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck. [later] I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye. [hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his hands behind his head] Damn I'm good.\nScene Description: Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers around the lab move stuff around\nReceptionist: Can I help you?\nCartman: Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses hyah?\nReceptionist: Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very lucky you called. Our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.\nCartman: [rips out a bill...] Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do I talk to about payment?\nResearcher: [in the background, walking by] This is awful, just awful!\nReceptionist: Oh Larry! This young man has some new fetuses for research.\nCartman: [picks up and carries a box] You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry. They're top notch.\nLarry: [the researcher] Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now.\nCartman: ...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought them all the way down here already!\nLarry: I'm afraid the government has just put a ban on stem-cell research.\nReceptionist: A ban? Why?\nLarry: Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really coulda helped a lot of people.\nCartman: [Cartman's mouth opens in disbelief, then he gets angry] Ay! What the hell am I supposed to do with these things, huh?! Goddammit! [throws the box down on the floor, breaking it and spilling its contents. Now there are thirty-two aborted fetuses]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom\nStan: Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.\nKyle: [he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.\nMs. Choksondik: [enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [sets the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.\nStan: The principal? Aw, come on!\nKyle: We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!\nMs. Choksondik: She needs to see you now! [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]\nKyle: Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey\nPrincipal Victoria: Hello, boys.\nStan: Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]\nKyle: Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.\nMr. Mackey: [Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]\nKyle: Kenny's sick?\nStan: Well how sick?\nChef: Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.\nStan: [after a pause] ...but... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?\nSharon: Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]\nStan: Mom? That's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.\nSharon: Randy...\nRandy: They don't think so, Stanley. Your... your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.\nKyle: Wait. Kenny's going to die?\nGerald: ...He might, Kyle.\nStan: [tearing up] ...But... he's our... fu... fufu- friend.\nMr. Mackey: We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.\nStan: No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]\nScene Description: Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold calls anew.\nCartman: Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem-cell research, but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses in my backyard! I'm sure there's other research your company can do with them. ...You'll take one? Okay, how much for one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my balls here, Jack.:[later. There are now thirty-one] Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary, your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary. How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright, I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply]\nLiane: [opens the door and looks in] Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.\nCartman: Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three feti; I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.\nLiane: They say it's an emergency.\nCartman: [shifts in his chair] Buh, alright. [Liane leaves] eh, Butters?\nButters: [steps into view in Cartman's room] Uh, yeah?\nCartman: Are you through databasing the clientele sheet?\nButters: Eh, just about.\nCartman: [leaving his chair and heading for his door] Alright, well, you gotta take over the telemarketing for a bit.\nButters: Oh. Well, uh okay. [approached Cartman's chair and hops on]\nCartman: [turns around] Just remember what I taught you and follow protocol. Next number to try is on the list.\nButters: Right. [picks up the phone and checks out the next number. Cartman leaves. Butters starts dialing] Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses that we think you can use for a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how much do you pay for that? ...You're breaking my balls. ...I said, you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My, my balls.\nScene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the stairs.\nCartman: What is this, a PTA meeting? [before him stand his mother, Sheila, Kyle, and Stan. Stan's head hangs forward as he looks down]\nKyle: Cartman. [pause] Kenny's in the hospital.\nCartman: [shock and distress flashes across his face] In the ...hospital? Why?\nKyle: They told us he has a m-muscular disease. An and, that ...and that he, he might die. [Stan raises his head and looks at Kyle]\nCartman: [more worried] Die? Kenny?\nStan: [looks up at Kyle] Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna die!\nSheila: I'm going to go take the boys to go see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought you might wanna come.\nCartman: Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let me get my coat. [turns and goes up the stairs]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient room with an IV unit attached\nDoctor: [fixing an IV for Kenny] There we go, little buddy.\nKenny: (Thank you, Doc.)\nDoctor: You sure you don't wanna take your jacket off; it's pretty warm.\nKenny: (I'm all right)\nNurse: Hey, look who has some visitors. [walks in with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]\nDoctor: Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll be right outside if you need us, Kenny. [the nurse and doctor leave the room.]\nKyle: [volunteers] Hey dude, how's it going?\nKenny: (I'm okay, I guess.)\nCartman: We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.\nKyle: Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is, dude.\nCartman: Heh, sorry. [Stan remains speechless. Kenny looks at his friends and coughs violently]\nKyle: Hey, uh- we were all just talkin' about how when you get better, we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond again and go camping. Huh, Stan?\nStan: [finds his voice] I- [looks at Kenny, then at Kyle, then at Kenny, and rushes out the door]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front door, Kyle pursuing\nKyle: [looks around] Stan? [sees him and follows] Stan, where are you going?\nStan: I can't, I just can't.\nKyle: Dude, he needs us right now.\nStan: [turns around] I can't see him like that, Kyle. All those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude. He's s'posed to be running around and laughing.\nKyle: I, I know it's tough but- [Stan turns away] Look at me! [turns him back around] I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But we have to be tough right now!\nStan: And what are we supposed to do, huh?! Stand in that room and keep making small talk?! Make believe like everything's okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!\nKyle: Look, however hard you think it for you, it's a lot harder for him!\nStan: [turns around and walks away] Just leave me alone!\nKyle: Stan, you can't leave!\nStan: [turns once more, with tears in his eyes] I'm not the one who's leaving, he is! [turns and leaves. Kyle turns to go back to the hospital, but sighs silently]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan\nCartman: [with emotion in his voice] ...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always been sort of two best friends, you know, and... well I- I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny, but um... I kind of always thought you were my best f-friend. I don't know.\nKenny: (Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)\nNurse: [opens the door and looks in] Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny some time to sleep now.\nCartman: Don't you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find a cure for you. Everything's gonna be okay! [walks towards the door. The nurse leaves, then Cartman exits]\nScene Description: Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry\nKyle: [returning to Kenny's room] Cartman?\nCartman: [composes himself] Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy? [sniffles]\nKyle: Cartman, were you... crying?\nCartman: ' No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin' in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in here is just- uh. [breaks down again, but tries to hide it] Oh man.\nKyle: Hey Cartman. [Cartman looks up and turns around] I care a lot about him, too. [Cartman wells up again, and Kyle reaches out to hug him]\nCartman: I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear to God I'm gonna find a cure.\nKyle: [comforting him] Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will.\nScene Description: Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing away their computers and other office equipment\nLarry: [enters with Cartman] This is where the bulk of our research was being done. But due to the government ban, we're mostly just packing things up.\nCartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?\nLarry: Look, you have trillions of cells in your body: heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell. Do you understand?\nCartman: Not at all, but go on. [they both turn and approach a table. On the table is a cage with a rat inside it.]\nLarry: Because these cells are blanks, they will often program themselves based on what cells you put around them. You see this rat? Earlier this year, we surgically removed the middle of her spine. then we injected her with some stem cells and... they became the missing part of the spine.\nCartman: My God...\nLarry: Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease or heart tissue of cardiac patients might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells.\nCartman: So then, could stem cells be used on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away? In other words, if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease, the stem cells could become new muscle tissue.\nLarry: That's the theory.\nCartman: Well, so then, if the stem cells are placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they would become another Shakey's Pizza! And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat!\nLarry: Well, no. To build another Shake's it would be better to use lumber.\nCartman: Hmmm.\nLarry: But, unfortunately, the government has banned stem cell research and so... we'll never know.\nCartman: Looks like someone is gonna have to try and change the government's mind. [turns around and heads for the exit]\nLarry: Where are you going?\nCartman: There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life in the hospital right now, doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger boxing gloves.\nLarry: Hey kid. [music stops, then a pause] Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell. [strikes his fists together, one over the other. Cartman returns the gesture with a thumbs-up, then walks off... then stops]\nCartman: Oh, doctor. [Larry turns around. Cartman has his thumb up] Thanks. Thanks. [Larry returns the gesture with his own thumb up, and Cartman leaves again.]\nLarry: Oh, hey kid. [Cartman returns] Good luck. Good luck. [Cartman gives a thumb up, walks away, then backs up]\nCartman: Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind. [walks away]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle, and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an angle\nKyle: ...And see? Here's one from Butters. It says, \"We can't wait to see you back in school, Kenny.\" And it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane! [shows him the picture: Butters and Kenny are in a little yellow biplane]\nChef: Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots of friends, don't you Kenny?\nKenny: (Yes.) [coughs a bit] (But what about Stan?)\nKyle: Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.\nKenny: (I hope so)\nNurse: [opens the door] Hey, look who's here.\nKenny: [perks up a bit] (Stan??)\nWoman: [walks in with balloons and an assistant] Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Ferrin.\nBob: We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. [a cameraman walks in and moves to the head of Kenny's bed]\nMs. McCormick: Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?\nKenny: (The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)\nLaura: We travel the country given special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.\nKyle: Neat, huh Kenny?\nKenny: (Yes.)\nLaura: So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be? [there's no answer. A moment of silence]\nBob: What's your wish, pal?\nKenny: (I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.)\nLaura: What did he say?\nKyle: He said his wish is not to die. [a long stretch of silence in which the cameraman looks from person to person.]\nLaura: ...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes, what would the second one be?\nBob: I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?\nKenny: (No. Fuckin' Madonna...) [his words trail off and are hard to understand]\nBob: Wu- what was that?\nKyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself. [the Foundation reps are stunned. Madonna appears in the doorway]\nMadonna: Should I come in now?\nBob: Uh no not quite yet.\nScene Description: The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He strikes a match and tosses it on the dung. The dung lights up and burns\nChef: [approaches] Hello there, children.\nStan: Hey Chef.\nChef: How's it goin'?\nStan: Bad.\nChef: Yeah. Things have been better.\nStan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone else's f-f-friend?\nChef: [sighs] Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand.\nStan: But then, why does God give us anything to start with?\nChef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. [pause]\nStan: I think I understand.\nScene Description: Capitol Hill, Washington DC\nCartman: My name is Eric Cartman and I live in Colorado. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but... All I know is that if there's a chance, a... chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well... I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds. [a shot of Congress] I love Kenny McCormick and... [sob] I want you to love him too. [cries as Congresspeople look to each other] And I uh, I'm not the best speaker in the world. Maybe I can put it best in the words of a timeless song [takes a deep breath] It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant The heat of the moment shone in your eyes I never meant to be so bad to you One thing I said that I would never do\nCongressman 1: One look from you and I would fall from grace.\nCongressman 2: 'And that would wipe the smile right from my face.\nCongressman 1, Cartman: Do you remember when we used to dance? [three Congressmen perform the following: two leg slaps and a clap]\nA few Congressmen: And incidents arose from circumstance? [more Congressmen perform the moves]\nEveryone: One thing led to another; we were young [everyone does the moves, and the result is thunderous] And we would scream together songs unsung It was the heat of the moment Telling me what our hearts meant The heat of the moment shone in your eyes\nScene Description: Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.\nCartman: And so you see, now that the ban on stem-cell research has been lifted, we can sell your fetus to companies like Alder Labs.\nWoman: Oh, I don't know.\nCartman: Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars for that fetus right now, Jill.\nJill: Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright.\nCartman: [hands the clipboard over for her to sign the release form] Great, just sign right here, please. [another woman arrives] Hi. Havin' an abortion today? [Jill hands him the clipboard back, then heads for the clinic] Great. [to the second woman] Listen, if you'd like to sell your abortion for research I'm offering uh, seventy-five dollars. Help you out a little bit with your medical bill in there. [she nods and reaches for the clipboard.] And you sign right here. [hands her the clipboard and she signs. A couple passes by] Uh excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus? [the second woman enters the clinic]\nWoman 2: We're not going to the abortion clinic. I'm going to have this baby.\nCartman: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because uh, there's a little boy dying in a hospital right now who sure could use that baby more than you could. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life.\nMan: Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.\nWoman 2: Oh Mark, I love you.\nCartman: Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall, passing people as he goes\nHead nurse: [at her station] Young man, do you know where you're going?\nStan: Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because he needs me right now.\nHead nurse: All right! [Stan passes a man in a wheelchair]\nMan on wheelchair: Go kid! [Stan passes a man on crutches]\nMan on crutches: Good for you! [Stan passes a doctor and nurse, and they smile]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily\nStan: Hey, Kenny! [grins, then is stunned. The room is empty. Kenny is gone. Due to terminal illness.] Oh no. [Kyle walks up to the room, but stays outside] No.\nKyle: He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over.\nStan: But... [a shot of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] I didn't get to see him. Hell I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye. [another shot of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] Did he say anything before he went?\nKyle: He just said... \"Where's Stan?\"\nScene Description: South Park Church, some days later, day.\nMr. Garrison: And so, we will all miss Kenny, his playful laughter, his innocent smile. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny that stem-cell research was allowed to continue.\nStan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend. [the doors fly open and Cartman walks in. He sees his friends and they look back.]\nCartman: You guys! Come quick! [Stan and Kyle look surprised]\nKyle: What, Cartman?\nCartman: It's... [Cartman turns around] Why, it's a miracle, you guys! [rushes out the door to a spot on the side of the road. Stan and Kyle follow.]\nScene Description: Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan and Kyle join him\nStan: What, Cartman? What's happened?\nCartman: Look. [across the street stands a Shakey's Pizza] I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's, and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! [oozing sounds are heard as a new Shakey's is indeed rising up next to the current one] It worked! [Kyle is shocked.]\nStan: This whole time, you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?\nCartman: Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!\nKyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.\nCartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies, [Kyle turns and faces him angrily] and I can finish up the kitchen.\nKyle: AAARGH! [jumps up on Cartman and starts pummeling him. Cartman tosses him off]\nCartman: Aah! Kyle! [Kyle punches him across the face a few times] Kyle! [Kyle delivers a series of punches to the chest]\nStan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend! [Kyle gives Cartman a good roundhouse right and Cartman falls on the ground, face first.] Cartman was! [Kyle continues beating Cartman up]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Butters' home, night. Butters enters the living room with a wrapped gift in hand. He walks up to his parents. His mom is polishing an end table while his father reads the newspaper on the sofa beside it.\nButters: Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin' Dad's anniversary present for ya.\nChris: Oh, is it someone's anniversary soon? [chuckles]\nLinda: [puts her hands on her hips] Oh, you!\nChris: Just kidding. [lowers the newspaper and takes the gift from Butters and shakes it] Oh, I wonder what it is.\nButters: It's a- [covers his mouth for a second, then looks down] Awww, shucks, [looks at his dad] I can't tell you. Uh, but it's really nifty.\nChris: Well, looks like we're gonna have to do somethin' extra-special for Mommy and Daddy's anniversary this year. How about on Saturday we all go have dinner at Bennigan's!\nButters: Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it?? [starts running around the coffee table in excitement] Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm gonna get the Rain Champ baby-back ribs! [stops and bounces with excitement]\nLinda: Calm down there, cowboy. You've still got four days.\nButters: Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna wait that long!\nScene Description: A montage of Butter's previous appearances in South Park fills the screen. Then the picture of Butters with a Barbie doll grows to fill the screen. Then as this chorus is song, the following scenes appear: Butters at Picture Day - a lock of hair pops straight up as his picture is taken. He tries out for Fingerbang. He turns around and is about to show his \"fruit bowl.\" He puts on a condom. He's with Token and Timmy at the drugstore. He says a few lines in the \"Helen Keller! The Musical\" play. He gets his hair cut at the David Blaine complex. He's with his fellow Angels, then slides down a rope and bumps into Mr. Garrison, then hops off.\nChoir: Who's the boy that can laugh at a storm cloud? Turn a frown into a smile for free? Who's the kid with a heart full of magic? Everyone knows it's Butters!\nScene Description: 'It's \"The Butters Show\"' appears over a wallpaper design of Butters' head. This is the show's splash screen\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me.\nScene Description: Next scenes: Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement. Butters tied to the feet of the Provider, a statue of John Elway. Butters keeping his class informed of what the kindergartners were doing while the class practices its play. Butters asking a question in class about using shit in the expletive. Butters delivering a tape to a reporter. Butters peeking through a door in the hotel NAMBLA is meeting at. Butters figuring out how to open the condom. Stan grabbing Butters angrily. Butters rubbing some cow dung on his jacket after finding the dung sticky. Butters calling upon Pele to make his volcano work.\nChoir: Who's the boy with the eyes full of wonder? Who thinks being yourself is the best thing to be? Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone knows it's Butters!\nButters: [In the splash screen, claps his fists together in the hole] That's me.\nScene Description: Next scenes: Butters jumps into a puddle. Butters runs down the hall to the theater proper. Butters petting a white goat. Butters holds a picture of himself and John Elway. Butters talking in the playground, holding his tooth. Kyle finds Butters on the street, after Butters tags a wall. Butters in a truck, with hockey mask on his head. Butters wondering how to not get anthrax. Butters as a Confederate officer. Butters taking over for Cartman on the phone. Butters talking in class. Butters talking to some kids in the playground. Butters as a gas station attendant after the adults are sent to prison for molesting their children. Butters with Stan and Kyle in the orientation meeting at David Blaine's complex. Butters at his window. Butters fainting after holding his breath too long trying to not get anthrax.\nChoir: Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the hallway Pettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway. [Butters, with pic of himself and John Elway, corrects the choir: \"Elway!\"] Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples, Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees? If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you find A little boy named Butters!\nButters: [In the splash screen, the hole he was in is gone] That's me, [brings his fists together twice.] Yeah. [walks off to his left].\nScene Description: Return to Butters' living room. His mom is dusting off a portrait on the wall as his dad returns to reading the newspaper\nButters: [making calculations on a sheet of paper at the coffee table] Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's. That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz.\nChris: [rises and walks over to Mom] Well, if you two will excuse me, I need to go and buy a certain special lady her anniversary present. [hugs her gently]Linda: I hope he means me, haha. [Dad turns and walks to the door.]Butters: Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means you.\nChris: [at the front door] I'll be back in a little bit. [Butters rises to see him off] Butters, you're in charge of the house.\nButters: [salutes] Yes sir! [Dad exits and closes the door. Butters moves back to the table.]\nLinda: [walking towards the door] Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me this year?\nButters: We won't know until we're at Bennigan's.\nLinda: [walks around Butters to the other end of the coffee table] Every year it's the same. Your father gets me some great gift and my gift to him falls short. [walks away towards the camera and stops, wondering] I've just got to outdo him this year, I've just got to.\nButters: Dad's a good shopper all right.\nLinda: [kneels beside Butters] Butters, maybe you could secretly follow your dad and see what he's getting me.\nButters: You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't that kind of like... fibbin'?\nLinda: [rises and goes to the computer] No, it's a little different. You remember when the nice policeman gave you a badge and made you an honorary inspector? [takes a badge from the desk and shows it to Butters.]\nButters: Sure I do!\nLinda: Why, I think Inspector Butters could find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy without him ever knowing. [hands the badge to Butters, who puts it on] What do you say?\nButters: [salutes her] Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am! [walks away]\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen, but now only \"Butters\" is on the screen.\nChoir: Everyone know it's Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me!\nScene Description: South Park, night, the seedy side of town. Butter's father walks down the street and stops at a corner. He sees a pawn shop across the street and walks towards it. He turns and looks around the street, then puts on a hat and turns up the collar on his shirt. He walks back the way he came. Butters has arrived and sees him from behind a bush across the street. Butters has on his own disguise - a handlebar mustache - and carries a note pad, on which he takes notes of his father's every move. He pops out from behind the bush. His father looks around to make sure no one is following and arrives at Studcat Theater to see \"Fisting Firemen 9.\" He looks around as he enters, and the doors close behind him\nButters: [takes down the info he sees] Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How nice.\nScene Description: Butters' father soon leaves the theater and walks towards a men's bath house, the White Swallow Spa. He arrives and rings the doorbell. He looks around both ways and enters as soon as the buzzer sounds. Butters looks on from behind a trash can across the street\nButters: [writes down] \"White Swallow Bath House\"\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: Everyone know it's Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me!\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. He's returned from his tour of espionage and finds his mother in the kitchen cutting carrots into slices\nButters: I'm back, Ma!\nLinda: Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow your dad around?\nButters: I sure did. [walks over to the breakfast table and takes a seat] Dad sure had a nice night out.\nLinda: Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?\nButters: Well first, he went to see a movie.\nLinda: A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself.\nButters: I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat. [Mom freezes] I didn't know it was open. [a look of dread is on her face]\nLinda: Wait a minute. What was the movie called?\nButters: \"Fisting Firemen 9\" [her dread turns to shock] I've never seen 1 through 8.\nLinda: Oh my God...\nButters: Uh but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. ...And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him.\nLinda: Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?\nButters: To the gym.\nLinda: To the gym?\nButters: Yeah. The White Swallow Spa.\nLinda: [stung by that revelation] Gaah!\nButters: Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!\nLinda: [really shocked] ...Butters? Are you sure about this? You have to be absolutely sure!\nButters: Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neato pictures. [holds them up for his mom to see. She walks over and takes them from him. She sees her husband gong into the theater, then into the spa, then being rammed by a man from behind...] The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for your present when he was goin' out to see the movies an' wrestlin'. [his mom faints right to the floor] Oh, did you have a nice \"trip,\" Mom? See you next \"fall.\" Hahaha, yo- Ma?\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: ...Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me!\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's working with Lego blocks at the coffee table while his mom works on the wall behind him, painting over one shade of green with a lighter shade. Her hair is a mess.\nLinda: [in a fractured, disturbed voice] Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean. Paaiint.\nChris: Well, honey, you've painted the entire house. Three times.\nLinda: Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new!\nChris: [approaches Butters] Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble finding an anniversary present for Mom. Any ideas?\nButters: Hm. Uh-I can't think of one.\nChris: Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have to go out shopping again. [walks towards the front door.]\nLinda: [paints furiously now] Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new. Paaiint.\nChris: [opens the door] I'll be back in a little while. [exits]\nButters: [walks over to the door] Should I go see what he gets you again, Mom?\nLinda: I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think Daddy's going out wrestling again. [rolls some paint on him downwards] Paaiint. [rolls some paint on him upwards] Paaiint. [turns around and walks away, leaving a confused Butters behind] Must be made clean. New.\nButters: Hey, a new paint brush. That's what Dad could get Mom for their anniversary. I gotta go tell him. [opens the door and exits.]\nLinda: [alone with her thoughts in front of a family photo] Must clean Butters. [paints over her face] Clean. Never be clean. Must... [paints over Butters' face] kill? The only way? Must kill Butters. [paints some more over their faces] Paaiint.\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: ...Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: The White Swallow Spa, night. Butters is at its front doors and rings the buzzer. The doors open and he enters He jumps up and gives the attendant some money - $10.\nButters: One please.\nAttendant: Locker two thirteen! [a towel pops out through a dispenser next to the window]\nButters: Uh thanks! [takes the towel and heads for the spa's locker room.]\nScene Description: The locker room. The camera pans across the locker room and shows nothing but men in towels. Some of them are exercising, others just chat.\nButters: [appears in the doorway] Dad? [walks in] Dad, you in here?\nScene Description: A hallway. Butters happens upon a wooden door with a small window in the upper half. He looks up at the window, then enters the room.\nButters: Hello? Eh-anybody in here?\nMan: [voice only] There, do you think that works?\nMr. Garrison: [voice only] Well, that's four fingers; try five.\nButters: Uh, Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: ...Who is that?!\nScene Description: The main hallway. Butters enters and checks the first door to his left. Two men walk towards the entrance and walk out\nButters: [reaches the second door to his left, which is ajar] Da-ad? Da-ad?? [pushes the door open] Are you wrestlin' in here? [gets a better look: two men are engaged in anal intercourse] Dad?\nMr. Slave: This room's taken.\nButters: Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs. [exits and closes that door, then moves to the opposite room and looks in] Dad? No. [leaves that room and moves to the third door to his right] Hm. [opens the door: his father is masturbating, but Butters doesn't know what that is.]\nChris: [sees his son at the door and quickly covers himself] OOH! BUTTERS!\nButters: Hi Dad! [waves and smiles]\nChris: [now with towel in hand] Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh!\nButters: I'm glad I found ya. I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom. But what are you doin' with your wiener out there, Dad?\nChris: [quite embarrassed, has the towel in position] Butters, you need... to leave here right now! You need to... get out of here, egeh... Go home and wait for me to talk to talk to you.\nButters: Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya at home. [backs out and closes the door]\nChris: [now distraught] Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done?\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: Everyone knows it's Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. Butters' dad is in his study.\nChris: [closes a book, rises and calls out] Butters! Oh Butters! Could you come and see me in my study real quick?\nButters: [appears in the doorway] Uh, hey Dad.\nChris: Come here, son. [taps his lap. Butters enters and approaches] I wanna have a talk with you.\nButters: [hops onto his father's lap] Well, sure thing, Dad.\nChris: Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying.\nButters: Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you told me so.\nChris: Yes, it sure can be. [pause] But, there are also times when distorting the truth a little, uh, is appropriate. These are called \"little white lies.\"\nButters: Little white lies?\nChris: You see, sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like, for instance, when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house.\nButters: ...Uh, who's Jack?\nChris: Butters, the point is that, I think that if you told Mommy what Daddy was doing tonight, well, she might go completely insane.\nButters: Oh no, that won't happen, Dad.\nChris: It won't? Oh, good.\nButters: Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and she's fine.\nChris: You... what?\nLinda: [In the doorway] Butters, Mommy wants to take you for a little drive now.\nButters: A drive? Oh, boy! [puts his fists together twice] I- I love a good drive. Is Dad comin' too?\nLinda: No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and think.\nButters: [hops off his dad's lap] Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad. [walks out after his mother] Oh boy, a drive!\nScene Description: Boat dock, night, some minutes later. Mom drives onto a boat ramp and edges close to the water. A song plays on the radio: \"Jingle Bell Rock.\" She slows the car to a stop.\nButters: Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed how angry I was when Teacher said I had to share my fingerpaints, because I've been sharin' them all along.\nLinda: [with a blank expression on her face] Butters, you know that Mommy loves you an awful lot, don't you?\nButters: Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too.\nLinda: And sometimes mommies do things that seem hurtful to their babies, but it's really for the best.\nButters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' \"nutsack\" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself.\nLinda: If a mommy has to end her life, she can't let her baby alone in the world to be raised by a sick pervert.\nButters: Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose, yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere? [begins searching] It's cold out here.\nLinda: I'm going to get out of the car now, Butters. [Butters looks up at her] I want you to stay put with your seat belt fastened.\nButters: Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then. [she moves the gear shift to neutral, releases the emergency brake, opens the driver-side door, and exits. She walks away from the water, and the car starts to move forward] You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom. [cut to a view of the water from the dock] Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'. Looks like I'm headin' for the water.\nLinda: [close up. Her hands are together, fingertips touching] Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy will be with you very soon.\nButters: [a view of the dock from the water] Well, I think I- Yup, it looks like the car is fillin' up with water! [she turns away as the car leaves the dock] Yeah. I think right now might be a good time to try to get the car out, Mom! [she walks away]\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: Everyone knows it's Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: Butters' house, night, living room. His mom has returned home and is now writing a note. A noose hangs over the coffee table, ready for her to use when the time comes. His father, apparently, is not home\nLinda: \"Dear bastard husband,\" No. [scribbles over the words, then writes] \"Dear lying sonofabitch,\" No. [scribbles over the words, then writes] \"Dear assface,\" Yeah, that's it. \"I will no longer-\"\nChris: [enters the front door and quickly grasps the situation] Linda?? What are you doing?? [moves behind the sofa and to the lamp. Linda rises and quickly moves to the noose, then puts it on defiantly]\nLinda: Stay away from me, bastard!\nChris: Linda, I know this is very hard-\nLinda: [snaps back] You don't know anything!\nChris: I've been wanting to stop going to those places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still love you!\nLinda: [sobbing] Then why, Chris, why?!\nChris: It just... it started as some curiosity on the Internet. I would chat with other married guys in the chat rooms and... Well the things they would talk about, Linda, I, I don't know why I found it exciting. I just did, and it, and it grew from there and it spun out of control, and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET!\nLinda: Well, [glares at him] you don't have to worry about your family being in your way anymore! [turns away and sobs]\nChris: No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle! It's just kind of an addiction. I want help. And I'm going to get help. Please, just give me a chance to make this all up to you. [she removes the noose and falls to the floor] We can have a normal life!\nLinda: There is no going back, Chris!\nChris: Sure there is!\nLinda: No! [turns to face him] Our son is dead!\nChris: What?\nLinda: [sobbing] I killed him. [collects her thoughts] I was going to end it all, and everything spun out of control for me. I drowned Butters in the car, Chris!\nChris: Oh no. [Linda cries loudly] No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what were you thinking?\nLinda: [snaps] I WASN'T THINKING! [catches her breath] I couldn't think! You destroyed my life, you! [points at him, then breaks down] Oh, God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss- [dissolves into sobs]\nChris: [confused] This can't be happening! This is a bad dream.\nLinda: Just go away and let me die! [sobs]\nChris: [genuflects next to her] No! Linda, we-\nLinda: I'm a murderer, Chris! I don't have a life now! [lays down on the floor face first and pounds it with her right fist]\nChris: Linda, Butters is gone. [drops into thought] Oh Christ, if Butters is gone, then... there's nothing we can do about that. But I won't let you go to jail, I promise, Linda! Pleeease! [she start weeping, then he starts, and they both weep...]\nScene Description: A river, day. The family car come into view, floating down the river, with Butters still strapped in.\nButters: Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna stop! I must be all the way down to Denver by now. [the car floats down some more and crashes into some boulders. The passenger-side door flies open] Ohhh, whoopee! Finally. Uh now that the car has come to a stop, it's safe for me to unfasten my seat belt. [unfastens it and lets it go. He scrambles out and over the boulders] Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about- me right now. Ah I gotta get back home. [before him are some low hills and the Rockies in the background. No buildings in sight] Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I?\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: Everyone knows it's Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. A News 4 crew is there, with reporter in place. So is a crowd of spectators and other news media\nNews 4 Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the home of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living every parent's nightmare right now, as last night, while Ms. Stotch was driving with her son in the car, a man stopped her, put a gun to her head, and took her son away. When asked who the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, \"some Puerto Rican guy.\" Naturally, the police are in an all-out manhunt for some Puerto Rican guy. [the front door behind him opens and the Stotches appear] Uh, it looks like the parents are about to make a statement, Tom. [cameras start snapping pictures. Officer Barbrady and fellow police officers form a barricade to keep the crowd away from the podium.]\nReporter 1: Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet from the man who took your son?\nLinda: No, no, not yet. But if you're out there, we beg you: we just want our baby returned safely back to us.\nNews 4 Reporter: Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?\nLinda: Puerto Rican.\nReporter 2: Was he tall? Short?\nLinda: He was... average Puerto Rican height. Please, just bring our baby back to me.\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: ...Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: The highway, day. He's in a Busy Beavers moving truck going uphill\nButters: And so then my friend started hollerin' at me, sayin' \"you took my rubber bands.\" Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did. I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky you came along, Mister.\nTruck driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some God-damned poontang.\nButters: Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang myself right now. Have you ever been to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow night with my family. Oh, I can just see it now. [dream sequence: the doors open and the family walks in] We'll walk in the front doors, [a smiling waitress welcomes them and leads them to their booth] and the nice Bennigan's hostess lady will take us to our cozy booth [Butters focuses on the booth bench, runs to it, and climbs on] Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks, for appetizers. [a waiter brings the dish over] Dad will open his present, and Mom will open hers [he gets a tie, she gets the paint brush, and they smile at the gifts] Uh then the Bennigan's wait staff will sing Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the entire staff sings at the table as the family listens] Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan's [the sequence is cut short as the driver gets annoyed] Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the truck stops and the driver exits to make his way to the passenger side] Happy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate milk? [the driver opens the door, plucks Butters out, set him by the side of the road, closes the door, and heads back for the driver's side. He gets in and drives off. Butters watches him go, then turns to face the receding truck...] He must like TGI Fridays\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. The news crews and the crowd are gone. Inside, the parents sit on the sofa as the police and detectives handle the case. The phone rings. Chris rises, but the police chief stops him\nPolice chief: Let us handle it. [looks towards the phone] Barbrady?\nBarbrady: [answers the phone] Hello?\nScene Description: Rob's Sassy Ladys titty bar. A few men sit around looking at an exotic dancer works her way around a pole. Butters is at a pay phone nearby\nButters: Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this?\nBarbrady: Who is this?\nButters: Uh, is this the Stotch residence?\nBarbrady: Yes. Are you calling about the abduction?\nButters: ...No.\nBarbrady: Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican?\nButters: [looks down and checks himself out] ...No.\nBarbrady: We need to keep this line clear. Call back another day. [hangs up and faces the family and officers] It wasn't the abductors, sorry.\nOfficer 1: [enters the front door] Chief! Two more parents from the next town over have shown up saying their child might have been killed by the same guy that took the Stotch boy.\nPolice chief: Really?\nOfficer 2: [enters with the couple] This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from Boulder.\nJohn Ramsey: [they rush onto the sofa] We saw your story on the news, and we were so sorry to hear about your loss.\nPatsy Ramsey: Our daughter was killed a few years ago, in our house.\nLinda: Yes, I... remember hearing something about that.\nJohn Ramsey: A and we realized... The man that murdered your son must be the same person that killed our daughter!\nPatsy Ramsey: Yes, because we certainly didn't do it! No. [they both laugh nervously]\nJohn Ramsey: No, huh.\nPatsy Ramsey: No.\nChris: Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't know that he's dead yet.\nThe Ramseys: Riiight.\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: ...Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: A road, day. Butters walks along and comes to a fork in the road. A gas station sits in the middle of the fork, and a mechanic works on a red car. Butters approaches him\nButters: Sir? Hello?\nMechanic: [leaves the car to see Butters] Hallo, what can I do for ya?\nButters: Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh, if you give me a ride, I could pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar.\nMechanic: Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park for the weekend. Won't be back until Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride Sunday, if ya like.\nButters: I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow.\nMechanic: Well, then, looks like you're walkin'.\nButters: Uh will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? [points to the road on the left]\nMechanic: 'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want to go to South Park, you gotta go down that rod. [the camera pans to the right and stops at a terrifying road. It is lined with spooky trees with faces on them, dark threatening clouds overhead, and eerie sounds.] 'Course, I ain't nevuh seen anyone go up that rod. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost. Had to eat each other to say alive. Used to be the way to O'Riley house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in a cellah. But, you should find an old bridge about halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you know? They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta history down that rod.\nButters: [unsure, blinks] ...Well, it's my parents' anniversary tomorrow, [starts walking] and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with 'em.\nMechanic: Well, uh good luck then.\nButters: Oh jeez. [he enters the gloomy forest]\nMechanic: [watches Butters leave] ...or is South Park down that rod?\nScene Description: I Am Siam Thai Cuisine restaurant, day. Inside, the Ramseys and the Stotches are seated at a booth, men on the inside, women on the outside. Lunch is served\nJohn Ramsey: It's so very hard to lose a loved one, isn't it?\nChris: Yes, it, it sure is.\nPatsy Ramsey: Thank goodness we have each other to share our grief.\nLinda: Thank goodness.\nJohn Ramsey: [points towards the entrance] Here he is. [a door is heard opening and in walks...]\nA Politician: John! Patsy!\nJohn Ramsey: Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris and Linda, this is our good friend, Congressman Gary Condit. [Condit approaches the table, waves hello, and takes a seat next to Linda] He also lost someone close to him and thinks it something to do with the same Puerto Rican guy that hurt our kids.\nGary Condit: We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch! [grins. That grin is fixed in place]\nChris: Yes, I'd I sure hope we do.\nGary Condit: I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto Rican guy has just made their Number One Most Wanted, heh.\nPatsy Ramsey: Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him. [the door is heard opening again] Oh, here's another member of our support group. [waves hello] O.J.\nO.J. Simpson: [waves] Hey guys.\nGary Condit: Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson. [O.J. walks up and shakes Linda's hand]\nLinda: Oh. Sure.\nPatsy Ramsey: O.J.'s wife was killed by an uh, some Puerto Rican guy, too.\nO.J. Simpson: Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy all right.\nJohn Ramsey: So you see, Chris and Linda, there are people like you all over the country who've been affected by some Puerto Rican guy.\nGary Condit: Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official part of the group.\nJohn Ramsey: Yeah!\nPatsy Ramsey: Yeah!\nO.J. Simpson: Alright!\nPatsy Ramsey: [waves her knife like a conductor's baton] One of us! One of us!\nGary Condit: Gooble gobble gooble gobble!\nO.J. Simpson: [joins Condit] One of us!\nScene Description: the two lines happen together\nThe Ramseys and Condit: One of us! One of us!\nO.J. Simpson: One of us! Gooble gobble!\nThe Ramseys, O.J., Condit: Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us! [the Stotches look at the other four in fear]\nScene Description: The scary road, night. The skies have cleared to reveal a bright full moon. The camera moves down to the road and Butters comes into view singing to himself\nButters: For family fun and great food, too, come on down to... Bennigan's [a shadow flies over the trees in front of him, and an eerie cry is heard. He stops] Buffalo wings and fried cheese sticks, the best are found at... Bennigan's [a snarling sound is heard. He stops and turns right, looking into the trees] Uhuh, hello? [after a while of looking, he turns left and starts walking again] So come and eat at...\nA voice: [whispering] Why can't he see us?\nButters: ...Bennigan's. You'll love all our... shenanigans. [the eerie sound is heard again, and three red dots are aimed at his forehead - he has been targeted by someone, or something... He turns right again and looks into the trees. Someone looks back, and turns on thermal vision. A neon view of Butters is shown. Butters turns left and start walking again. The three dots remain trained on his forehead] Oh, nutsack [moves his hands to his mouth and gasps a bit] Oops.\nScene Description: \"The Butters Show\" splash screen\nChoir: Everyone knows it's Butters!\nButters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!\nScene Description: Butters' house, day, the anniversary has arrived. Inside, Chris and Linda are fighting over the details of the unfolding story of Butters' disappearance. He sits on the sofa; she's pacing the floor, crying, and both are unkempt\nChris: Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say that the abductor is Costa Rican! [rises] You have to learn to keep it straight!\nLinda: I can't keep it straight when you keep inventing new parts to the story!\nChris: Hey, don't forget that I'm covering for you! [the door opens and Butters walks in]\nLinda: Don't forget: your lies started all this. [Butters closes the door]\nChris: My lies may have been deceitful, but your lies cover up something much more horrible than anything I ever did! [Butters approaches and looks]\nButters: Happy Anniversary!\nChris: Not now, Butters!\nButters: Oh. [moves off to his left] Alright, then. I-\nLinda: Butters?? [spots him and scoops him up, then shares him with Chris]Oh, Butters!\nChris: Son! I don't believe it! [they both drop on one knee as they hold on to Butters]\nButters: Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into the lake, and it floated all the way down the river. I tried callin' home, but it was-\nLinda: Oh, my baby's back!\nButters: I ain't grounded, am I?\nChris: No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why... [relief fades to spin] Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell a little white lie about where you've been though, alright?\nButters: Lie?\nLinda: Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going to have to say you don't know how you got home.\nChris: No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican man dropped you off! [both parents set Butters down and rise]\nLinda: Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped him off?!\nButters: Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary.\nChris: [over Butters' voice] Now we don't really have a choice, do we?!\nLinda: You're the one that made up the stuff about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT!\nButters: Uh stop it, Mom and Dad.\nChris: Well you're the one who couldn't back it up wit a description, stupid!\nButters: Now gosh darn it, you! [steps in between his parents] You listen here! Now I am sick of these harmless lies and l-little white lies. You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie! And when you start coverin' up one lie with another why, now that's when you get into real trouble! [Chris and Linda listen] Boy I've, I've just about had it up to here [puts his right hand to his chin, palm down] with you two! [a few seconds of silence follow]\nChris: ...Butters... You're as right as rain.\nLinda: [genuflects and messes with Butters' hair] You sure are.\nButters: Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin' at ya, am I?\nLinda: No, Butters. You're the best son in the whole world. [Chris walks over to the phone as Linda and Butters look at each other] And I am so happy you're alive.\nButters: ...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too, Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's?\nChris: You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have something they have to do first. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing...]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. The news media and the spectators are back at the Stotch house for another press conference.. The front door opens and the Stotches step forth to the podium, all cleaned up and well-dressed. Cameramen begin taking pictures\nChris: We... have an announcement to make, um. Our son has been returned to us. [Butters comes out of the house to stand next to his parents, and cheers are heard in the crowd. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are present]\nMan in crowd: Wow, alright.\nStan: Butters was missing?\nChris: But, that isn't all we have to say. You see, we learned a very important lesson tonight and it took the smarts of our young son to show us.\nButters: [points at the crowd] Yeah!\nLinda: We've learned that deception is wrong and that the only thing to ever make it right again is to come clean.\nButters: Yeah! [a shot of the Ramseys, O.J., and Condit]\nChris: You see, I've been deceiving my wife for several months. I was going to gay movies and bathhouses and having sex with random men who were complete strangers.\nButters: [raises both arms in victory] Ye-! [turns to look at his father, and his arms go down] wait, what?\nCartman: Huho!\nLinda: [Butters is now afraid of what she might say] And when I found out I went crazy, I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake to kill 'im.\nButters: Uh, k-kill me? Uh Jesus Christ!\nStan: Damn, dude.\nChris: So you see, there was no \"some Puerto Rican guy.\" He doesn't exist. And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, \"You're a liar! You're a LIAR!\" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] \"You know somethin' that you're not telling us, you slimy, scumbag liar!\" [back to Chris] Eh you know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say, \"Hello,\" but they'd be thinking, \"Ah, there goes that MURDERER!\" [a shot of O.J.] \"You got away with MURDER you murdering, lying, waste of life!\" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] \"LIAR! Tell us what you know you God-damned liar!\" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] \"You know God-damn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you MURDERING MURDERERS!\" [a shot of O.J.] \"CONFESS!\" [a shot of Condit] \"LIAR! CONFESS!\" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.\nLinda: We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't happen again.\nChris: And now, if you'll excuse us, this family has to get to Bennigan's.\nMan 2 in Crowd: Yeah-ah-alright! [the parents go back in the house as a stunned Butters stands on the walkway. The crowd disperses and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to Butters]\nStan: Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you.\nButters: Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna rip on me at school now.\nCartman: We sure are.\nButters: I really wish I didn't know that stuff. I guess I learned that sometimes, lying can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad... bein' queer and my mom tryin' to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.\nStan: Really?\nButters: Naw, I'm lyin'\nChris: [appears in the doorway] Let's go, son.\nButters: Wuh comin', Dad! [goes inside the house]\nChoir: Everyone knows it's Butters!\nButters: [returns to the doorway and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are on the sofa laughing as Cartman does some prank calls.\nCartman: [dialing] Shu- shut up you guys, shut up you guys. [the boys quiet down and cover their mouths as the call goes through to City Wok, a Chinese restaurant.]\nTuong Lu Kim: Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease.\nCartman: [the boys giggle] Hello, is this City Wok?\nTuong Lu Kim: Yes, this Shitty Wok\nCartman: [the boys giggle harder] Uh, yes, we'd like one order of the City Beef.\nTuong Lu Kim: [writing] Shitty Beef...\nKyle: Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken.\nTuong Lu Kim: [writing] Shitty Chicken... [the boys roar with laughter. Cartman rolls back on the sofa]\nStan: Oh, dude, look! [the others look up and the phone falls off Cartman's lap to the floor] It's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating at Subway Sandwiches!\nScene Description: Commercial. The first thing on the screen is a submarine sandwich. It pans across the screen.\nSinger: He's still lookin' good! [a man appears eating a footlong subway sandwich. The name \"JARED FOGLE\" appears on the screen near the bottom] His name is Jared [he struts down a sidewalk. \"LOST 262 LBS.\" appears on the screen] His name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches... [a side shot of Jared walking smoothly behind a white picket fence in Downtown, then of slices of a party sub, then of the first sandwich]\nScene Description: Cartman living room. Butters walks in.\nButters: Uh, hey, fellas.\nStan: Hey Kenny.\nButters: [upset] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with it!\nKyle: Okay, Not-Kenny.\nScene Description: Commercial continues.\nAnnouncer: Hey South Park! [camera switches to the TV. Jared is shown munching away on a sub sandwich behind splash bubbles saying \"JARED LIVE\" \"FREE SUBS\" and \"LOSE WEIGHT\" and \"MEET JARED\" \"SOUTH PARK, COLORADO\"] You can meet Jared IN PERSON March 6 at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square!\nButters: [excited] Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town!\nKyle: Dude! That's today!\nStan: We've gotta get down there! Come on, Not-Kenny! [Stan and Kyle hop off the sofa and head for the front door]\nButters: [angered] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny!\nCartman: [hops off and follows Stan and Kyle] Okay, come on, Not-Not-Kenny.\nButters: Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now. [follows the other three. The phone remains on the floor]\nTuong Lu Kim: [the receiver rattles with his voice] Hello! City Wok! City Wok, I take your order prease!\nScene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, moments later. A crowd is in front of the stage waiting for Jared, with people holding up signs saying \"We Love Jared\" \"We Love You Jared!!\" \"Jared for President\", etc. The boys walk up to Herbert Garrison. Kyle taps him.\nKyle: Excuse me? Could we get through here?\nHerbert Garrison: [turns around] Hell no! I've been savin' this spot for six hours! [begins to dance] His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin' Jared's lead-\nRandy: Here he comes! [the crowd turns left as one and starts clamoring. Jared struts towards the crowd as his theme song comes up]\nSinger: He's still lookin' good, with all those... sub sandwiches... [Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium]\nJared: Thank you all so much. You know what? After a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches, I've proven weight loss is easy! [the crowd cheers] And I promise you, I will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss!\nSome men: Alright! [more cheering]\nCartman: That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight. He is so cool.\nScene Description: South Park, later. A knock is heard and a door opens. Jared is seen eating a sub at a desk. A worker peaks in.\nWorker: Mr. Fogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich?\nJared: Sure, let 'em in. [the worker lets the boys in and Jared spins around to face them] Hi kids. [the room Jared is in is a dressing room]\nButters: Wow, Jared!\nKyle: Dude! Did you really lose all that weight eating nothing but sub sandwiches?\nJared: I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also had a little help on the side.\nStan: What kind of help?\nJared: Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it. But the way that I lost so much weight was that I got aides.\nCartman: A- AIDS?\nJared: That's right. I got aides about two years ago and I've been losing weight ever since. It's amazing how slim you can get with aides.\nStan: I'll bet you can.\nJared: Would you like to meet them?\nKyle: [steps backwards] Them?\nJared: My aides. Scott! Tyler! [moves to the door. The two aides come in and Jared stands behind them. Then he looks at the blond to his left] Scott is my personal trainer [looks at the light brunet to his right] and Tyler is my dietitian.\nScott, Tyler: Hello.\nKyle: Oh, \"A I D E S,\" aides.\nJared: Yep. Hooray for aides!\nKyle: Well, that's not really what you say in the commercial.\nJared: I know. You kinda have to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen. It says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey sandwich with no mustard or mayo or anything like that and then had proper diet and exercise aides.\nKyle: But you're lying to people. If they knew that you didn't eat just all the sandwiches you want, you might not be so popular.\nJared: Y- you think so. Well, why... should it matter?\nKyle: It matters, dude. [Jared begins to think...]\nJared: Hmmm.\nScene Description: Main Street, moments later. The boys walk along...\nKyle: That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating sub sandwiches. He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised.\nStan: Yeah, it's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fatass to not being a big fatass.\nCartman: Oh-my-god! [turns around] You guys! I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming to me now.\nKyle: Tha- that's diarrhea.\nCartman: Noo. Don't you see what this all means? Anybody could do what he did. What's to stop someone else from going to say, City Wok, and cutting a deal with them? Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food, but then eat only a little tiny bit of it and exercise.\nStan: [following] Then City Wok could say their food makes them lose weight.\nCartman: [softly] That's right Stan. [bolder] It's a cash cow, I tell you.\nKyle: That's a great idea!\nCartman: Lose weight and make money... I tell you this is gonna be the greatest thing that Butters has ever done.\nButters: [surprised, steps backwards] Me?!\nCartman: Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about, Butters? Joyce de Witt?\nButters: Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh, you're the fat one.\nCartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!\nKyle: But Butters isn't fat.\nCartman: That's my whole point. First we fatten him up, then we make the deal with City Wok, then take the weight back off.\nStan: He's right. If Butters is naturally skinny, he'll be able to take the weight off faster.\nButters: But fellas, if I get fat my parents will ground me.\nCartman: Oh, come on! Just think about how famous you'll be!\nButters: You mean like Jared?\nKyle: Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared!\nButters: [angrily] Well the heck with that! You said Jared was a penis-butt!\nStan: You wouldn't be a penis-butt, Butters, you'd be famous. Just think about all those people following you around, singing songs to you just because you lost some weight... His name is Butters, it's Butters. [the boys begin to sway for each line]\nCartman: He used to be fat but not no more [Butters brightens up]\nKyle: City Wok brought him down to a size 4.\nStan: Now, he's got lots of moneys and girls.\nCartman: [slowing] and a lifetime of free food at City Wok.\nButters: [beaming] Wow.\nScene Description: Le Place Restaurant, night. Jared is dining with a woman inside.\nJared: Christine, you know I love you very much, and I, I can't wait for the wedding.\nChristine: I love you too, Jared. You've changed my whole life. Her name is Jonez, Christine Jonez She lost forty pounds when she met Jared-\nJared: Yeh, I know I know, I know. But uh... some young boys were talkin' to me earlier, and... it made me think that people might not be so proud of my weight loss if they knew something.\nChristine: Jared, what's this all about?\nJared: Uh, Christine, this isn't probably gonna matter to you at all, but... I have aides.\nChristine: What?!\nJared: Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since before we were together. [Christine's jaw drops] What, what are you thinking? Are you bummed?\nChristine: Am I bummed?! [moves her chair away from Jared and faces him] You've had AIDS all this time and you knew it?!\nJared: Well of course I knew it.\nChristine: Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?!\nJared: I didn't think it was that big of a deal.\nChristine: Not that big of a deal?! I slept with you!\nJared: Aren't you overreacting a little bit?\nChristine: Well, Jesus Christ! We're supposed to get married!\nJared: We can still get married Christine, I mean, sure, they're my aides now, but after we get married... they'll be our aides [Christine sobs] You'll love having aides, Christine, you really will. And when we have children, they'll have aides. It'll make things so simple! [Christine throws up her arms, rises from her chair, and runs out of the restaurant sobbing] Christine! [rises and moves to follow Christine, but stops to think] Jeez, those boys were right. People really don't like aides. I'd better tell everyone the truth.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The boys enter the kitchen to get their meals.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nKyle: Chef, we need Butters to gain about fifty pounds fast.\nChef: Fifty pounds? Why?\nCartman: Uuuh, school project.\nChef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.\nStan: Marry him?\nChef: It definitely worked for every woman I ever met.\nButters: Oh, no, no, no! I ain't gettin' married; my parents will ground me!\nKyle: Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters.\nButters: [self-conscious] Well, uh, how come? What's wrong with me?\nChef: Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way. Come on back, children. [all of them move away from the counter and towards the back]\nScene Description: The kitchen, food preparation area. The camera pans across the table showing pots, pans, and dishes with food all over the place. It rests on Butters trying to finish off a plate, but struggling.\nButters: Ugh. [sets his plate down] Wuh, wuh, I can't eat no more.\nKyle: You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise. [scoops out a tablespoon and hands it to Butters, but Butters doesn't take it. Chef enters and Butters begins to throw up]\nStan: [notices] Chef, we need more food.\nChef: I'm runnin' out, children. [leaves. Butters vomits some more]\nCartman: Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll kick you till you're deader than Kenny!\nStan: [soberly] Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.\nCartman: So how long until we can joke about it?\nKyle: Twenty-two point three years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.\nCartman: Wugh, that's a long time to wait.\nButters: Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep pukin' it up.\nCartman: Then eat your puke.\nButters: No!\nCartman: Oh, come on! Japanese girls do it. [Butters looks at Cartman, then at his puke. Reluctantly he scoops it up and eats it.]\nScene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, later.\nSubway Representative: Ladies and gentlemen, we at Subway are happy to inform you that Jared has elected to stay in South Park in order to speak to you once again! [the crowd oohs and aaha]\nMan 1: He's going to speak with us once again!\nSubway Representative: So, here he is, Jared! [the crowd cheers, and Jared is again walking towards them, grinning]\nSinger: He's still lookin' good, eatin' them sandwiches all the time...[Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium]\nJared: Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway is a healthy way to eat fast food and lose weight!\nSubway Representative: All right! [pumps his arm as the crowd reacts]\nJared: But, [the crowd quiets down] I feel like I need to come a little clean about something, uh-... it wasn't just Subway sandwiches that made me thin.\nSubway Representative: ...Huh?\nJared: The reason I was able to lose so much weight so quickly was that I got aides. [grins with relief. The rep's jaw drops.]\nMan 2: Huh?\nMan 3: What?\nMan 4: Did he say AIDS?\nJared: But I still wanna be the leader in a fitter America, and so I'm here to tell you, that you should ALL go out and get aides! [the crowd immediately begins to disperse]\nMan 2: Oh my God!\nA woman: Is he serious?\nJared: Having aides - is - awesome! With aides you can literally watch the fat melt away! And with the proper mix of aides and Subway sandwiches, anything is possible! [the rep, looking on in dismay, has had enough and pushes Jared out of the way to take the mic]\nSubway Representative: Uh, the opinions expressed by Mr. Fogle are not necessarily those of the Subway Company. [Jared soothes his left arm a bit]\nScene Description: Cartman's living room, some days later. Stan is measuring Butters' girth and grins at the result. Camera zooms out.\nKyle: Wow! He looks great!\nStan: How do you feel, Butters?\nButters: W-well, k-kinda like Cartman. [Cartman slaps Butters and shakes him] Aw!\nCartman: Get a hold of yourself, man!\nStan: Alright, now it's time for phase 2.\nScene Description: City Wok, moments later. The boys walk towards it and enter. The owner greets them.\nTuong Lu Kim: Welcome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try Shitty Chicken today?\nCartman: Sir, we have come to offer you the business deal of a lifetime.\nTuong Lu Kim: You want the Shitty Beef?\nKyle: Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy your food is. Our fat friend here is going to lose forty pounds eating at Shitty Wok.\nTuong Lu Kim: Which one? I see two fat friends.\nCartman: [pointing to Butters] The fat one!\nStan: We're gonna take before and after photos, and then, when he gets skinny from eating your food, we'll show the world.\nTuong Lu Kim: ...Why?\nKyle: Because then you can pay us to use our friend in commercials.\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh! You mean like-a Jared?!\nCartman: Just like Jared.\nTuong Lu Kim: His name is Jared, he lose some weight. Shitty Wok food sure is great. Yeah, okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose weight eating Shitty Wok, I pay use to use him in commercial.\nThe Boys: All right!\nCartman: Sir, we are in business!\nScene Description: Subway company boardroom, day. Jared has been called in to see the board.\nSubway Representative: [second from left] Jared, first of all we want to say that all of us here at Subway appreciate everything you've done for our company.\nJared: [happily] Well, I appreciate your company doing everything it's done for me.\nSubway Rep 2: [second from right] Yes, well, it is now the opinion of all of us that perhaps it would be best for you to take your... strange theories on weight loss elsewhere.\nJared: [crestfallen] ...'Scuse me... am I being fired?\nSubway Rep 3: [center] Jared, it's just that your new take on weight loss is contrary to our commitment to good health.\nJared: How so?\nSubway Representative: Well, your new slogan, for instance. [clears his throat] \"When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides.\"\nJared: [softly] Ah-hah. [he rises and leaves the \"SANDWICH MARKETING\" building with hands in pockets. He closes the door and walks away dejectedly. He passes a basketball court where a few people are shooting baskets. He looks at them as he passes by. Then he stops, looks at the camera, sighs, and]\nSinger: His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway, now he's cold and alone and with no place to call his home. He liked sandwiches with Philadelphia cream cheese.\nScene Description: Flex Gym Fitness Club, day.\nCartman: [heard from the outside] Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny again! [the camera goes inside. People are exercising on all sorts of equipment. A woman runs by on a track on the second floor. Butters is pulling at a rowing machine as Cartman spots him. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs and barking orders] You are such a flabby hunk of crap! Look at those jelly rolls! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah! You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!\nButters: [looks at Cartman] Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom and dad - love me even if I am fat.\nCartman: [normal] Butters, I'm just trying to offer some motivational help here.\nButters: Well alright then.\nCartman: [barking] Row you fat bitch! Look at those jelly rolls! Nobody loves you! You're not even a person!\nScene Description: Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub sandwich.\nJared: I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I almost wish I had never gotten aides! [his aides come in]\nTyler: Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that?\nJared: I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free for a while.\nScott: Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you.\nTyler: Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't afford to hire their own aides.\nJared: [brightening] Wait a minute... you're right! [moves towards the camera] Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again! [heads for the door]\nScene Description: City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he arrives.\nStan: Did you bring the camera?\nKyle: Yeah, we're all set.\nCartman: [steps in between them] Guys, I think this might be a good time to discuss some business.\nKyle: Well, what do you mean?\nCartman: Well, when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to just make one commercial, they're gonna want several.\nStan: That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway Sandwiches.\nCartman: I think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars.\nKyle: Wow! [he and Stan are awed]\nCartman: Now, I think the four million should be split evenly among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent per negation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea.\nButters: [arrives as Cartman speaks] Hey fellas.\nStan: Butters?! What the hell are you doing?!\nKyle: Yeah, you're still fat!\nButters: Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it.\nCartman: Well we're supposed to shoot your commercial today, you fat piece of crap!\nButters: Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is harder than puttin' it on.\nCartman: No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!\nStan: [Kyle finally produces the camera] Did you eat only one ounce of City Wok like we told you?!\nButters: Well uh yeah, but ah, I don't know...\nKyle: Why are you doing this to us?!\nScene Description: Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating table on the coffee table in the living room. Kyle reads from a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan is overseeing the operation.\nStan: All prepared for liposuction surgery?\nCartman: Check.\nButters: Uh, I don't know about this, fellas.\nStan: [shoots back] Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not losing weight, Butters. [Cartman makes sure the scalpel is sharp]\nKyle: [faces Stan] Okay, it says here the operation begins with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above the hip.\nCartman: That should blah [babbles a bit] ah- here. [cuts into Butters' abdomen]\nButters: [reacts] Woahhh!\nCartman: Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it like a man!\nKyle: Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into the incision. [Cartman picks up one end of the tube and inserts it into the incision]\nCartman: Alrighty.\nButters: Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy.\nCartman: Alright, I think it's in. [turns around]\nKyle: The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the excess fat. [Cartman stalls, then picks up the other end and starts sucking the fat out]\nCartman: [spits out the hose as soon as the fat hits his lips] Bohogh, egh. [puts the hose into the pail for the fat to collect]\nButters: Waaaahh!\nCartman: There it goes.\nKyle: Alright, it's working!\nCartman: [wipes away a bit of fat remaining on his lips] Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that Chef makes sometimes.\nButters: Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good.\nStan: Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault.\nButters: Everything's getting dark...\nStan: We've gotta hurry this up. [moves behind the coffee table to Butter's belly and starts pounding on it. The fat begins flowing out faster]\nCartman: [looks at the fat flowing out] Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working good.\nStan: He's losing weight. [Kyle smiles]\nCartman: Oh, whoa. Whoa! [the fat rushes out so quickly the tube begins to buck, splattering fat and blood all over the place]\nKyle: It's out of control! [Stan has stopped pounding, but the fat is pulsing out and Cartman can't control it.. Butters gets thinner by the second and headed for shock]\nButters: Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. [the sound of a car pulling up is heard]\nStan: Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home.\nCartman: Oh, crap!\nStan: Dude, bail! [the three boys rush out the back door, then the front door opens and Butter's parents walk in. The living room is a mess]\nLinda: Butters? Butters?!\nButters: [listlessly] Mom. Dad.\nStephen: Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!\nButters: Yes sir.\nLinda: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you not to have self-perform liposuction surgery in our house?!\nButters: Four times, mom.\nStephen: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!\nButters: Yes, sir. [rises and... struggles. He falls off the coffee table to the floor. Stephen isn't fazed, but Linda is affected]\nStephen: Oh, huh- Don't you give us that look young man! You're gonna get it!\nScene Description: News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's office. The mayor and her aides are present.\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar, Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen in.\nScene Description: The podium. Jared stands behind it.\nJared: Ladies and gentlemen, a-at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so, with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start the Aides for Everyone Foundation!\nJimbo: What?!\nJared: I am going to personally see to it that each and every one of you gets aides! [a long silence follows as the audience just looks at Jared]\nMayor McDaniels: This guy's insane.\nJared: But I won't stop there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm going to give them aides myself!\nChef: You're gonna give children AIDS?!\nJared: Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone! [another long silence]\nSkeeter: Get him! [the crowd begins to move forward angrily and Jared leaves the podium]\nScene Description: Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell.\nStan: Come on, Butters. Time to go.\nButters: Uh- go where?\nKyle: To City Wok so we can make our money. God!\nButters: I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for havin' liposuction... surgery. [lifts his shorts to show the bandage over the scar]\nStan: What?\nButters: Wuh well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin' liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days.\nCartman: Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real quick so they can see how skinny you are!\nButters: [counts off] Well you guys have already got me in Dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got in double-Dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me to be in triple Dutch?! [moves his hands palms down to wash his hands of any more trouble] Huh-uh! I'll never be that Dutch!\nStan: ...Kenny would have done it.\nKyle: Yep.\nCartman: Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was? [whispers] God. [normally] He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he was the best friend ever.\nButters: Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll know I'm- I'm up to no good!\nCartman: Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone for you.\nButters: No- but you don't sound like me.\nCartman: [begins sounding something like Butters. Kyle looks on] Well, you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little pussy who won't help his friends make money.\nKyle: Wow, that was pretty good.\nStan: Alright, it's settled. Come on, Butters. [pulls Butters out the door. Cartman enters the house]\nCartman: Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is mine! [the others leave and he closes the door]\nScene Description: Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa.\nCartman: Eh. [makes himself comfortable on the sofa and turns on the TV. He grunts a bit] Eh. Yeah. [the phone rings; he answers] Well hello?\nStephen: [at an office full of cubicles] I'm just checking in on you, Butters. [a woman walks down the aisle behind him] Uh, do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!\nCartman: Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. watchin' television, Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' it.\nStephen: Jacking it? Jacking what?\nCartman: Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad.\nStephen: WHAT?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?!\nCartman: Ah, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.\nStephen: Oh, you're gonna get it, mister! Just wait until I get home!\nCartman: Bring it on, queer bait. [hangs up] Aaaahhhh, yes! [puts his arms behind his head, quite satisfied with himself]\nScene Description: Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out of something...\nJared: ...I tell my [paf] girlfriend I have aides and she leaves, I tell the [paf] world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me [paf] dead! [the camera pulls back and the thing Jared is beating is a dead horse. Literally] What's wrong with [paf] aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to give them [paf] aides?! [the crowd arrives with torches, charging noisily]\nHerbert Garrison: There he is, beatin' that dead horse!\nMan in Crowd: Alright!\nJimbo: Let's get him! [the crowd charges forward and Jared runs away again]\nJared: Aahhh!\nScene Description: City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter.\nTuong Lu Kim: Welcome ta Shitty Wok. Take your order prease.\nKyle: We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos.\nTuong Lu Kim: He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?\nStan: That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your commercials and you'll have your very own Jared!\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok commercial!\nKyle: Uh, why not?\nTuong Lu Kim: Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone in world to have AIDS. He sick in the head.\nStan: What?!\nTuong Lu Kim: I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared land his AIDS.\nStan: Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?\nTuong Lu Kim: Yah they, they gonna kill him. They gonna kill Jared downtown right now.\nStan: Ugh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out. [the boys exit the store]\nScene Description: Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard.\nPhillip: Here's a man's fart for ya. [farts, laughs]\nTerrance: God no! [laughs again, and Cartman joins in. The phone rings] Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has given me colon cancer!\nCartman: [answering] Hello?\nLinda: [calling in from her office] Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset!\nCartman: Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.\nLinda: [stunned, then] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?!\nCartman: Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.\nLinda: OH, you just WAIT until I get home, mister!\nCartman: Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old... horse-bangin' skank. [hangs up] Eh. [resumes eating]\nTerrance: Ey! There's some anthrax over there! [farts, then roars with laughter]\nPhillip: Oh no, hahahahahahaha.\nScene Description: Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The crowd has captured Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.\nJared: Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?\nMayor McDaniels: Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything to say before you die?!\nKyle: [offscreen] Wait! [the boys run up to the gallows platform] You're all making a mistake!\nChef: Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS!\nStan: No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have \"AIDS,\" AIDS, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he calls his aides.\nPeople in Crowd: [softly] Oh.\nMayor McDaniels: You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides?\nJared: Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh!\nSkeeter: Oh boy, do I feel stupid.\nGerald: Oh we're so sorry, Jared.\nJared: No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I- I, I didn't think of what I was saying! [giggles]\nChef: Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he had! [laughs]\nRandy: Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest misunderstanding ever! [several people laugh]\nJared: [laughing] Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her to share my aides - oh, no wonder she left!\nHerbert Garrison: [laughing] Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you said, \"Aides for Everyone Foundation?\"\nJared: Oh, brother!\nSkeeter: Aha- [stops and realizes something] ...Hey. We're all laughing. [everyone stops and listens]\nMr. Mackey: Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this before.\nRandy: Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is finally funny!\nPeople in Crowd: Ooo.\nMayor McDaniels: He's right. It happened!\nJimbo: Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!\nPeople in Crowd: Alright! Yay! Woohoo! [fireworks come up out of nowhere] Hooray!\nMr. Mackey: I knew it would be funny someday! [laughs] AIDS!\nHerbert Garrison: Then it's time... We can undo the banner! [fanfare comes up, and a man pulls a curtain away to reveal a huge golden plaque reading \"AIDS IS FINALLY FUNNY\" Ooohs and aaahs follow.]\nScene Description: Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads \"3-06-02 AIDS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY\"\nNew Yorker: Hooray!\nScene Description: Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting.\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity.\nHerbert Garrison: [laughs, then] \"AIDS quilt\" [resumes laughing. The crowd disperses and Tuong Lu Kim finds the boys]\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now.\nStan: Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your commercials?\nTuong Lu Kim: Sure 'kay. I pay you fifteen dowlars.\nStan: Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!\nTuong Lu Kim: Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars.\nStan: [takes off his hat and throws it on the ground] Oh God-damnit!\nKyle: Aw, just forget the whole thing then!\nTuong Lu Kim: Okay. [walks off, returns] Hey, you kids know why chicken cross the road?\nStan: Why?\nTuong Lu Kim: 'Cause it has AIDS. [laughs. The boys just look at him oddly] AIDS so funny! [walks away laughing]\nStan: Well, so much for our money.\nKyle: Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Because then lots of fat people would have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams.\nButters: Yeah, I don't like shattering fat peoples' dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded. [gasps] Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded! [rushes away]\nScene Description: Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door.\nButters: Huh. Huh, uh, uh.\nCartman: [opens the door in anticipation] There you are, Butters!\nButters: [nervous] Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet?\nCartman: No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're just in time!\nButters: Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the house, did they?\nCartman: No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed I was you on the phone!\nButters: Hu-oh! Goody!\nCartman: Here you go. [hands Butters some drawings] I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your cat.\nButters: Uh- perfect.\nCartman: Alright I'd better get out of here before they get back. [makes his way to the door]\nButters: Uh hey, uh Eric? [Cartman turns around] Uh- thanks for coverin' for me. You're a real pal.\nCartman: Butters, it was my pleasure. [pulls out his mittens and opens the door, then puts them on. He heads for the sidewalk humming a late night theme song, then turns around to frame the house with his fingers, then walks away]\nScene Description: Butters' house, outside. Cartman, still humming, returns with a beach chair, some popcorn, and soda, and sets them up on the front lawn. He then sits down to watch the coming show. Two cars pull up; it's Butters' parents rushing home. They exit their cars and angrily head for the door. They enter...\nButters: Hi, Mom and Dad!\nStephen: Don't you \"Hi, Mom and Dad\" us, you little punk!!! [Punch]\nButters: Ow! Dad?\nLinda: You don't even know the trouble you're in, mister!! [Punch]\nButters: Ah! What did I do?! What did I do?!\nStephen: You think you're tough now!!? Answer me!!! [a belt is heard coming off and whipping Butters]\nButters: Aaaa!!! [the beating continues]\nCartman: Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Butters' house, night, kitchen. Linda is serving drinks. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are at table. Sheila holds Ike on her lap.\nSharon: Thanks for having us all over for dinner, Chris and Linda.\nSheila: Yes, it was fabulous!\nLinda: Oh, we're just really happy that your boys have become such good friends with our little Butters!\nStephen: Yeah. We figure that if our boys are gonna be great friends, we should all get to be friends, too.\nLinda: Friends, by default. [giggles]\nRandy: Well, our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately. I think ever since their friend Kenny died they've been looking for someone to fill the void.\nStephen: Well, our son is a perfect void-filler. It's nice that he finally has your sons to be his best buddies!\nScene Description: Butters' house, living room. The four boys sit on the sofa looking at television, except Butters is asleep at one end.\nCartman: [alerting the other two] Look you guys, Butters is asleep.\nStan: He's such a douchebag.\nCartman: Hey! Have you guys ever seen this trick? [drops down] When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, [takes a glass of water and brings it to Butters' hand] and you put their hand in it... [dunks Butters' hand in it]\nStan: [watches as Cartman climbs the sofa] Yeah, and then what?\nCartman: And then, you pee on it! [drops his pants and pees on Butters' hand] heheh-heheheheheheheh.\nKyle: No, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water and it makes them pee.\nCartman: [still peeing] Oh, really? ...Oh well, heh, heheheheh, heh.\nScene Description: Butters' house, kitchen. Conversation goes on.\nStephen: And we were thinking, since they've all become such close friends, how great it would be for us to all go together to Aspen for a ski weekend.\nGerald: A-Aspen? Uuuh, we, we can't really afford that.\nStephen: No, you see, Linda and I found this ad where you can get two night free at a condo in Aspen if you attend a time-share presentation.\nRandy: They let you stay for free?\nStephen: Yes! And all we have to do is attend a thirty-minute meeting!\nSheila: Well that sounds like a good deal.\nRandy: Sounds good to me; let's go this weekend!\nSheila: Oh, boy! Skiing in Aspen! I can't wait! [an '80s tune begins to play. A shot of the boys in the living room, then the adults pour in from the kitchen]\nStephen: Hey boys! We're all going to Aspen for the weekend!\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: All right! [Butters stirs awake]\nButters: Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies! [feels some tension as he stretches] Oh, I'm all sticky. [wipes his hands on the sofa and cushions]\nScene Description: The Rocky Mountains, day. Stephen Stotch drives all three families and Cartman off to Aspen.\nStephen: Here we are, everyone. [Before them lies a valley with many buildings in it. Next to the station wagon is a sign reading \"WELCOME TO ASPEN\"]\nScene Description: They proceed into town, a tourist mecca, passing all sorts of high-priced tony stores. The scene freezes, and the new title comes up: \"South Park in Aspen\", then the scene continues. The adults are in happy awe as a woman walks by with her two poodles in front of a jewelry store. The next shot is of the four boys looking out marveling at the sights. They pass a man snorting cocaine in plain view in front of Bernie's. Next shot is of a resort in which a skier finishes his ski run. The entrance is shown: \"Aspen Heaven: A Time-Share Community.\" The station wagon stops in front of a condominium complex and everyone gets out, making their way to the entrance. Fade out.\nScene Description: Fade in, next morning. The adults sit around a coffee table while the kids sit at the dining table eating breakfast behind them. The adults are getting dressed for the day.\nSheila: Oh, this is gonna be so much fun; I haven't skied in years!\nStephen: Where are Butters and Eric?\nStan: They're still asleep.\nStephen: Butters? Eric? Come on! We gotta get to the powder! [a knock on the door, and Linda rises to answer it. Two men enter]\nPhil: [brunet] Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is Josh [a blond]. We're with the Aspen Time-Share Company. [the other parents gather 'round]\nThe parents: Hello.\nJosh: You folks enjoying the condo?\nSheila: It's lovely. Thank you.\nScene Description: The dining table.\nCartman: You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe this, this is so funny!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: So last night, while Butters was asleep, I gave him a Hitler.\nStan: What's a Hitler?\nCartman: You know, when somebody is sleeping and you put your finger up your butt and then, wipe it on their upper lip to give them a little Hitler mustache? You've never Hitlered anyone?\nStan: No, I never have.\nCartman: Shh-shh, here he comes.\nButters: Goooood mornin', fellas! All set to go skiin'?! [Cartman starts laughing] A-huh, u-uh, uh what's so funny?\nCartman: [knowingly] Nothing, Butters. Right, guys?!\nScene Description: The front door.\nPhil: Well, we can't wait to show you what Aspen Time-Share is offering investors. Shall we do our thirty-minute meeting?\nRandy: Oh, do we have to do it right now?\nJosh: Well, best to do it and get it out of the way.\nStephen: Okay. [Phil and Josh leave, Sheila steps forward, and the adults begin to exit]\nSheila: Boys, we have to go to this time-share presentation real quick, but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill.\nThe Boys: Okay.\nStephen: We'll meet you boys on the slopes. [exits and closes the door]\nButters: Hey, do you guys smell that?\nStan: Smell what?\nButters: Ehh, it kind of smells stinky in this condo. [Cartman chuckles]\nCartman: I don't smell anything. Do you guys? [bursts out laughing. Stan and Kyle just look at him as Butters looks up, wondering...]\nScene Description: Music fades in. Exterior shots of the resort are shown .The bunny slope is shown. Lifts go up and down as kids practice skiing moves. The four boys and Ike are shown waiting for their instructor.\nButters: Do you guys smell that? It smells bad out here, too. I'm starting to think this whole town smells like doodoo.\nCartman: Yeah, well, that's why they call it Asspen. [laughs at his cleverness. A skier skis up to them]\nThumper: All right, little dudes, [sets his skis aside] great to see you out here. My name is Thumper, and I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor. [gives the boys two thumbs up]\nCartman: [to Stan] His name is Thumper?\nThumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good...? [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time.\nButters: So where's the part where we have a good time?\nThumper: Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here. [motions to the nose, where Butters does indeed have crap]\nButters: Wuh, that's my face, sir.\nThumper: Alright, we're gonna do this without any poles until we know our two primary feet positions. To go slow, we wedge our skis together [he puts his indices and thumbs together; front ski tips touch], in the shape of a slice of pizza. Then to go faster, we put 'em parallel, like... French fries. [begins to drift forward] You see that? [wedges the skis] Pizza, [lines up the skis] French fries, [wedges the skis] Pizza, [lines up the skis] French fries. [moves farther away each time]\nButters: Ah-hey, this is gonna be just like eatin' at Shakey's, huh fellas?\nThumper: Okay, let's have the little dude at the end try first! What's your name?\nIke: Iiiiike!\nThumper: Okay, Mike, ski down to me! [Ike looks down the hill, but doesn't move]\nKyle: Go on, Ike.\nIke: [begins to practice the positions] Pee-za, Fron fries. Pee-za, Fron fries. Fron friiiies. [skis out of control] Peeee-zaaa [skis for a lodge and right through its wall.]\nThumper: Okay, you see what he did?! He French-fried when he should've pizza'd. You French-fry when you pizza, you're gonna have a bad time!\nScene Description: The meeting, meanwhile. Phil and Josh are presenting the time-share plan.\nPhil: And so, we think we can convince you to buy one of our combos that's opening right here in Phase 4.\nJosh: That sounds like a GREAT investment opportunity!\nGerald: I-I'm sorry, but none of us can really afford to own our own vacation condo.\nRandy: Yeah, and to be honest, we're just doing this meeting because of the two nights free deal.\nPhil: Oh, I know, that's what everybody says - \"Not me, I can't afford it.\" But what if I told you you could own one of our properties for only eight thousand dollars!\nJosh: Wow!\nSheila: For only eight thousand dollars we can buy a condo here?\nPhil: Well you see, \"time-share\" means you buy the condo with about twenty other people like yourselves [exits screen left and immediately enters screen right] You [puts his hands together] \"share\" the condo with other investors and pick the [points to his watch] \"time\" you want to stay.\nJosh: [makes a fist with his right hand] Share, [makes a fist with his left hand] time. [joins his fists together] Time share.\nRandy: So then it's not really ours.\nPhil: Sure it is, one twenty-fourth and a half yours! You see, time-share has made it possible for even working-class people like you to say, \"I've got a little place in Aspen.\"\nJosh: Try it. Try saying it. \"I've got a little place in Aspen.\"\nThe parents: I've got a little place in Aspen.\nPhil: Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say guys, how'd you like to tell that hot secretary \"I've got a nice little place in Aspen?\" Hahaha! Just kidding, wives.\nRandy: [looks at his watch] Listen uh, it's been thirty minutes. We'd like to go hit the slopes now?\nPhil: Woll uh, you still gotta come to the time-share luncheon. We did give you a free condo for the weekend.\nGerald: Well your ad said we only had to attend a thirty-minute meeting.\nPhil: Right, but this isn't that meeting. The luncheon is that meeting. [the parents just look at him] Don't worry, you're gonna have a great free meal at the luncheon.\nScene Description: Bunny slope, later.\nKyle: [practicing his moves] ...French fries... pizza... french fries... [does the pizza moves and sees Cartman fallen on his back] come on, Cartman.\nCartman: Ugh, no more., [Kyle skis on. Stan is skiing as well, and another skier comes up to him, showering him with snow]\nTad: Looks like you think you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid?\nStan: Well I'm... catchin' on pretty fast, I guess.\nTad: I've been skiing for twenty-two years. Think you could beat me?\nStan: Uhh... no.\nTad: What's your name, hot shot? [two of his friends join him]\nStan: Stan. Marsh.\nTad: Stan Marsh [laughs] Stan DARSH is more like it.\nSkier: Haaaa, Darsh! [his pole is slapped by the first skier's]\nTad: Alright, how about a race, then? You and me.\nStan: Dude, I'm just learning.\nTad: OooooOOOOooo! [starts moving and squawking like a chicken, ending up facing Stan] Looks to me like you're not a \"hot shot\" after all.\nStan: I never said I was.\nTad: Oooooooo!\nTad's friends: Oooooooo!\nTad: You may think you've got what it takes, but as long as I'm around, you'll always be number two! [the two other skiers left] See ya later, Darsh! [laughs, kicks some snow into Stan's face, and skis away]\nScene Description: The meeting at Aspen Heaven, later. Phil and Josh are still extolling the time-share plan.\nPhil: And THAT is why owning a piece of an Aspen condo is not only possible,...\nJosh: It's downright smart!\nGerald: Aha. [waiters come in with platters of food]\nPhil: Op, here it is! As promised, a fabulous free lunch!\nGerald: Wow, filet mignon' and lobster!\nSharon: [appreciatively] Not bad. [Sheila and the others begin to eat]\nJosh: It's nice to feel rich, isn't it.\nSheila: Oh, you know, this is really great.\nStephen: It sure is. [the waiters whisk the plates away]\nRandy, Gerald: What?\nRandy: Wait...\nPhil: You see? That's the great thing about time-share. You get a little taste of luxuries you can't afford.\nJosh: And then share it with the people that come tomorrow.\nRandy: All right, look, we've been here for over three hours.\nGerald: Yeah. Can we go now, please?\nPhil: Of course you can. Go hit those slopes! [softly] If you could just please show me the backs of your table place cards real quick? [the others pick up their cards and look] Oh my God! You got the red sticker!\nJosh: They got the red sticker?!\nPhil: They got the red sticker!\nStephen: What's the red sticker?\nJosh: Uh, well, well, that means if you come up to the condo sales office you'll receive one of three great prizes.\nRandy: No, no-no-no-no. We, we did your meeting and we did your lunch, we're finished, okay.\nPhil: Okay, okay, fine, I mean... [his voice gradually drops to a whisper] It would only take a second, but, I mean, you know, what did we do for you except, give you a free condo for the weekend. Huh. Seems like you could just... could just come up... and see what prize you had... [Josh begins to cry]\nStephen: O-all right!\nScene Description: The bunny slope, even later. Kyle and Stan are skiing down faster now, mastering the basic pizza-French fries technique.\nStan: ...pizza... french fries... french fries... pizza...\nKyle: ...french fries...pizza...pizza...pizza-french fries...[loses control and jerks forward, then flips over and lands next to Ike, who's half-buried in the snow. Kyle looks over and gets up quickly. He dusts himself off as Stan catches up] I wonder where our parents are.\nStan: Who cares? I'm having more fun on my own.\nTad: [arrives, with his friends close behind] Well well well, if it isn't Stan Darsh!\nStan: [winces and covers his face with his right hand] Oh no.\nTad: Say Darsh, you don't mind if I take Heather out for some fondue tonight, do ya?\nStan: Heather? [a woman skis up and stands next to the skier]\nHeather: Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it comes to skiing, Tad has all the right moves.\nTad: I just might show her my moves tonight, if you know what I mean. [giggles]\nHeather: You aren't mad, are you, Stan? I mean, a girl's gotta look out for her best interests.\nStan: [just looks at them] ...who are you people?!\nTad: Still don't wanna race me? I told you he was chicken, Heather. Stan Marsh the Darsh! [laughs disdainfully]\nStan: All right dude, if I race you will you leave me alone?\nTad and friends: Oooooooo!\nTad: Alright, fine. You and me at the summit, now!\nStan: Okay.\nTad's friends: Race! Race!\nScene Description: Ski run, moments later. A view from the bottom shows a long run, and the resort's main buildings off to the right near the finish line.\nAnnouncer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Aspen Mountain presents another ex-TREME racing showdown. [the gathering crowd cheers] Seven-time World Aspen champion Tad Mikowski versus eight-year-old Stan Marsh!\nTad: Hah! You're going down, little boy!\nStan: Yeah, prob'ly.\nButters: Do you think Stan has a chance? [the countdown begins. The chutes open and Tad takes off. Stan moves along allowing, sticking to the basic moves] Uh go Stan! [Tad flies down the hill, banking and weaving throughout. Stan appears a few seconds later, going down carefully]\nStan: Fries... fries...\nA skier: [Tad zooms past him] He's got it! Tad's gonna win it! [as the crowd cheers, Tad clears the last few hills and then goes through the finish line. He comes to a stop and people gather around him]\nTad: [raising his arms in victory] Yeah! Yeeah! Yeah! You lose, Darsh! [kisses Heather, who reacts. They lock lips. Stan finally crosses the finish line, in the wedge position] Yeah! [Butters, Kyle and Ike walk up to Stan]\nButters: U-u-uh, Stan, yo-you gave it your best shot, and that all Jesus asks of you.\nStan: [drops his poles] Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid thing is all over with. [a group of young adults walk by carrying Tad high in the air. The group stops, the boys turn around to see]\nTad: [looking down at Stan] No hard feelings, right Darsh?! [starts laughing.. The group moves away. The boys turn left as their eyes follow the group] Yeah!\nTeen girl: Stan, [the boys turn to see her] for what it's worth, I think you were really brave.\nStan: Thanks. Who are you?\nTeen girl: Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be at the youth center tonight for a dance. I hope you'll come because you're just so... we-hell, you're just so.. well, that's all. [turns around and walks off]\nScene Description: The valley, day. There are three long lines of people waiting to ski. The parents finally make it out of the meeting.\nGerald: Finally, we get to go skiing!\nRandy: Oh my God, look how long the lift lines are.\nGerald: Yeah, I guess these passes the time-share salesman gave us will come in handy.\nLift Operator: Can I help you?\nStephen: Yes, we have the special passes to use the exclusive lift from the time-share company?\nLift Operator: Ooooh, go right on ahead, folks.\nSheila: Thank you. [the parents move forward and position themsleves for the lift, which comes down presently. The parents get on and the lift goes up the slope again]\nRandy: Well, this certainly is nice.\nGerald: Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski earlier, but with this lift we'll get more runs in than anybody.\nStephen: Have fun waiting in line, suckers! Woohoohoo!\nLinda: Oh, Chris. [Randy giggles, then looks up]\nStephen: Hey look, this chair lift goes right into a building. [the lift turns, drops them off, and moves back out.]\nScene Description: Aspen Heaven meeting room, again.\nPhil: Welcome back, folks!\nJosh: We've got a special offer we can't wait to tell you about!\nRandy: Oh, God-damnit!\nScene Description: Aspen Youth Center. Teens enter from all sides. The boys go in as well.\nKyle: Dude, it's been twelve hours. Where the hell are our parents?!\nScene Description: Aspen Youth Center, inside. The boys find themselves on a dance floor listening to a live band.\nTeen girl: I'm glad you guys came. Do you like our youth center?\nStan: It seems fine.\nVoguing Skier: Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down. That hot-shot skier Tad's father is gonna bulldoze the building.\nVoguing Skier 2: Where are all us kids supposed to go?\nStan: Don't care. [the boys go further onto the dance floor]\nKyle: What do you wanna do now?\nStan: I dunno.\nButters: Let's dance. [begins to dance. Cartman watches with dismay. Butters does a bunch of dance moves, including the Moonwalk and some break-dancing]\nCartman: Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body. [the music is stopped and a voice is heard]\nAnnouncer: Alright, Aspen-heh. As a special treat tonight we're proud to have the winner of today's race, Tad Mikowski. [moves off and the crowd begins to cheer as Tad approaches the mic]\nTad: Yeah!\nStan: Oh,. God. [buries his face in his hand again.]\nTad: Hey everyone. [the crowd quiets down] I'd like to sing a little song, if I may.\nThe ladies: [swooning] Ooooooooo.\nStan: Gah, let's go you guys. [turns around and leads the others towards the door...]\nTad: This is a song I wrote about... Stan Marsh. [Stan stops in his tracks]Staaaaan... Daaaaarsh...Stan. Darsh. Darshy DaaarshStan DaaarshStan Darsh, Stan-darshStan Daaaaarsh DaaarshStan Darsh...\nStan: Dude, what the hell is your problem?!\nTad and friends: OooOOOOOOoooooo!\nStan: I raced you, You won!\nTad: A rematch? Oh, Darsh. You're even dumber than I thought.\nTeen Boy: He'll ski you anytime, anywhere!\nTeens: Yeah!\nTeen girl: [talking to Tad, referring to Stan] But this time, if he wins, you get your dad to not close our youth center.\nStan: What?\nTad: Alright then, let's make it interesting. Tomorrow afternoon. On the K-13. [points at a window. The camera pans to the window, and a lone huge peak is shown. Two teens look and are horrified]\nA teen boy: [steps into view] The K-13? But that's the most dangerous run in all of America. [steps away]\nTad: Hell, I'm not chicken! Are you, Darsh?! [starts squawking like a chicken]\nStan: I'll be there, you queen!\nTad: Oh, yeah?!\nStan: Yeah!\nTad: Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought... Again! See ya tomorrow.\nScene Description: The Youth Center, outside. The boys exit the center.\nButters: Uh you're not really gonna go down that K-13 run, are ya, Stan?\nStan: Dude, I have to!\nKyle: [shoves Stan a bit and faces him] Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Screw him, dude.\nStan: Dude, he's got Heather!\nKyle: You don't even know Heather!\nStan: I know I know I-, ugh. Look I can't explain it but I have to do this. I'm not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?\nMechanic: [appears out of nowhere] The K-13? You don't wanna go down that run. That run has got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it, and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. It was on that very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from a mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichicaw Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah-, a lot of history on that ski run. [the boys just look at him]\nStan: ...Thank you.\nMechanic: Yah. [moves off]\nKyle: Look, Stan. When Kenny died I learned how important friends are. I'm not gonna lose another friend.\nStan: This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to do this, okay? I have to!\nScene Description: Aspen Heaven, next day. The parents are still meeting with Phil and Josh.\nPhil: ...And so you see it's the investment opportunity that keeps on giving.\nGerald: How many times do we have to tell you this? We don't want to buy shares in a condo!\nJosh: And we certainly don't want to pressure you.\nGerald: Pressure us?! You kept us all day yesterday and then had a chair lift bring us back!\nPhil: Heh-ey, you can leave anytime you want. Of course, that is, if you don't want the super-secret fun prize for attending the slide show.\nRandy: [Rises from his chair angrily] No, we don't want the super-secret fun prize alright?! We just wanna ski! Come on, everybody! [leads the others towards the door]\nJosh: I know! Have you ever considered going in on a time share?\nPhil: That's only a couple thousand each, Josh!\nRandy: Don't listen to 'em, let's just go!\nScene Description: Aspen Heaven, the hallway. The parents walk down the hall.\nGerald: My God, can you believe those people?!\nStephen: I hope you don't blame me for all that. I mean, the ad ...did... just say a thirty-minute presentation.\nRandy: Let's just get out of here. [opens a door across the hall. The parents find themselves in a room exactly like the one they left across the hall]\nPhil: Folks, I'm glad you're back, because we forgot to mention, time-share condos are still deeded properties!\nParents: Aaagh!! [they turn around and walk out... er, in]\nPhil: Oooo, you folks really lucked out this time. You're visitor number one thousand!\nJosh: That means you can listen to our special offer for privileged members only!\nRandy: That does it! I'm calling the police! [takes out the cell phone and begins dialing. One of the salesmen groans softly]\nScene Description: Bunny slope, day. Beginners practice their moves. A girl stands next to Thumper; he sets her up and sends her on her way.\nStan: [approaches] Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of training, fast. I'm gonna race down the K-13.\nThumper: K-13?! But you're just a beginner! You ski outta your league, you're gonna have a bad time.\nStan: I have to do this, okay? I have to!\nThumper: Alright, well, if you gotta get good at somethin' really fast, there's only one way to do it. Come on!\nScene Description: A song begins to play. Thumper is giving Stan some quick instructions and then Stan starts skiing. Thumper looks on, encouraging.\nSinger (and backup singers): The day is approaching to give it your best You've got to reach your prime! [Thumper and Stan do some Tai Chi on their skis, then Thumper has Stan ski down the hill blindfolded while he takes notes on technique and time] That's when you need to put yourself to the test And show us the passage of time We're gonna need a montage (Montage) A sports-training montage (Montage) [The teen girl is reading to Stan from a book: Skiing for \"DUMBASSES.\" Then Thumper spots Stan as Stan does barbells, then has him do a few more runs. The times aren't satisfactory.] And just show a lot of things happenin' at once. Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?) [Bulldozers show up at the youth center to knock it down, but a group of families shows up to protest the demolition. Next shot, the parents are still at those meeting, getting quite weary and tired] And with every shot, show a little improvement To show it won't take too long That's called a montage (Montage) Even Rocky had a montage (Montage) [Stan skis down a little faster, and Thumper shows him how much he's improved. Tad is then shown polishing his skills, landing after a ski jump and receiving Heather into his arms. The girl reads to Stan some more, but Stan's fallen asleep. She rouses him and resumes the lesson] In any sport, if you want to go From just a beginner to a pro You'll need a montage (Montage) a simple little montage (Montage) [she shows Stan a few pictures in her book. Next, Stan is skiing down the hill with bricks weighing his shoulders down. Kyle stands on a bluff with a picture of himself and Stan and looks wistfully at it and at K-13. Cartman rubs his finger into his ass and gives a sleeping Butters the Hitler again. Cartman stifles a laugh] Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage) [Again, Stan skis down the hill with Thumper looking on. Now Thumper approves of the time. The instructor, the teen girl, and Stan look out at K-13 from a nearby hill, the camera at their backs] If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed in a montage (Montage) Montage (Montage) [The camera faces the trio now and zooms out slowly. Stan sets his skis down and steps into them, then skis down the slope. Fade out]\nScene Description: Aspen Heaven meeting room, day. Two officers are present with the two salesmen and the six parents.\nRandy: All the ad said was that we had to attend a thirty-minute meeting, right, and- and it's been a day and a half! These guys won't let us leave!\nPhil: That's not true, officers, we said they could leave at any time.\nThin cop: All right, let me see if I got this straight. You two gentlemen are offering part-time limited liability [suddenly animated] ownership in one of your fabulous condos for the one-time price of eight thousand dollars?!\nPhil: That's right!\nFat cop: Sounds to me like if anybody should be arrested it should be you people for passin' up such a great deal!\nThin cop: That's right, you're practically stealing condos at that price. \"Book 'em, Danno!\" [laughs. The parents look on, chagrined]\nRandy: Oh, Jesus.\nLinda: No! No!\nGerald: The police work for time-share, too? [the police draw their guns and aim at the parents]\nPhil: [somewhat menacing, moves forward] The police, the mayor, the president of the United States. Perhaps now you see the severity of your situation. I think we shall all sit down... [backs up] and listen to the presentation.\nJosh: [draws his own gun and aims] Sit! [the parents go to the table and sit on the chair]\nPhil: Now, you're probably asking yourselves... \"Can my time-share condo turn into a profit?\"\nJosh: \"What kind of cash flow can I realize from my investment?\"\nPhil: The answer might astonish you. For over ten years investors have seen their-\nScene Description: Aspen Heaven ski run, finish line area, day.\nAnnouncer: The powder is fresh and the stage is set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13!\nScene Description: K-13 peak. Tad and Stan are ready to ski.\nTad: This time you're not just gonna lose, you're gonna die!\nScene Description: Finish line area. The other boys and Ike are present, with their instructor behind them.\nKyle: I can't lose another friend. First Kenny and now Stan? All I'm gonna have left are you two douches. [Cartman gives him an angry look]\nAnnouncer: Ready. Set. Go! [the crowd cheers and Tad takes off. Stan begins to ski]\nStan: Pizza... pizza... pizza...\nMan In Yellow Jacket: Tad's got the lead.\nButters: Come on, Stan! [Tad is shown zipping down the hill, Stan is still at the summit making his way down]\nTad: [stops near a tree] Haha. [pulls out a small saw hidden in the back side of his jacket] This should slow down Darsh a bit! [goes to the tree and starts sawing it off at the base. Stan has gone down the mountain some more]\nAnnouncer: [the crowd cheers the skiers on] And it looks like Tad is way out in front.\nTad: [finishes sawing the tree in two and laughs] Now, I'll win for sure!\nKyle: Awgh, dude, I can't look. [closes his eyes and covers them with his hands Tad is shown zipping further down the hill, Stan has left the summit]\nTad: [stops and looks up the hill, then leaves. He returns with a bucket of sand and pours it out]Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh! [leaves. Stan continues his run. Tad returns with more sand and pours it out]He doesn't stand a chance, now! [Stan reaches the fallen tree and climbs over it, then continues his run. Tad pours out even more sand]I'm gonna beat 'em! [tosses the bucket away and leaves]\nAnnouncer: [as the crowd cheers] The race is half over and Tad is still out in the lead! [Stan is moving along nicely. Tad stops further down and pushes a large cage of hamsters onto the slope]\nTad: Heh, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let all these hamsters go. That should distract him just long enough for me to win the race!\nTeen girl: [walks in] Oh, Tad.\nTad: ...What are you doing up here?\nTeen girl: Oh nothing. I just thought I could distract you. With these. [lifts up her jacket and top. Tad look and is unable to move as he groans at what he sees. Stan moves along in the background and passes Tad, who remains spellbound. Stan reaches the finish line and breaks it. The boys and the crowd cheer the victory and approach Stan. Another song begins to play]\nKyle: Good job, dude!\nStan: Thanks. [Tad reaches the finish line to see the celebration start without him. He takes off his goggles and throws them to the ground in anger]\nAnnouncer: You did it, Stan! [Tad approaches Heather, who gives him the cold shoulder and walks away. Tad is crestfallen]\nTeen girl: Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center. [the crowd cheers louder, and the mechanic stops by]\nMechanic: Well, that does it. Looks like the spirits of the Wakichaw Indians can finally rest in peace. [three spirits rise from K-13 thanking Stan for setting them free.]\nHeather: [walks up to Stan] Stan, I was wrong about you. Would you like to go out again? [Stan looks at her incredulously]\nTeen girl: Go ahead, Stan. She's everything you ever wanted. [the parents arrive]\nSheila: There you are, boys!\nKyle: Mom, Dad!\nStan: Where the hell have you guys been?!\nStephen: Uh, we got a little held up at the time-share sales office.\nRandy: Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year!\nThe boys: [disappointed] Awwwwww!\nStephen: What's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing? [the song is stopped abruptly]\nStan: No! We can't keep track of when you pizza and when you French-fries and when the hot-shot asshole skier takes your girl or if you're supposed to race him the first time or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center. Skiing sucks! [turns right and leads the other boys away]\nKyle: Yeah, what a stupid sport! [the parents turn left and follow the boys away]\nThumper: [looks at the teen girl] I heard that you were the one responsible for making Tad lose the race. Thanks.\nTeen girl: Yeah. Well he really flipped when he saw these. [lifts up her jacket and top again and two creatures appear where her breasts should be]\nLeft creature: [softly, slowly] Quaid...\nRight creature: [softly, slowly] Start the reactor..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Commercial.\nAnnouncer: Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate people [a shot of one dwarf walking, then of another being interviewed by Maury] all have horrible disfigurements, [a shot of a man with elephantitis getting some popcorn, then going down an escalator] and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement! [Maury interviews a flatheaded man, a blond with stumps for arms wrestles with a brush in the shower]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room. He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television from the sofa.\nStan: Hm, that sounds pretty good.\n\"Kenny\": [walks in] (Hey guys. What's going on here?)\nStan: Hey Kenny! [the three boys grin]\n\"Kenny\": (Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!)\nCartman: That's awesome, Kenny. [\"Kenny\" removes his hood, and it's Butters]\nButters: Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead.\nKyle: Okay, Not-Kenny.\nButters: And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, neither! [takes off the coat and tosses it away] I should be able to be you guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's old coat!\nStan: Shhh! Be quiet, Not-Kenny! The Maury Povich freak show is on.\nButters: Oh, all right, then. [takes a seat on the sofa between Kyle and Cartman]\nScene Description: Maury Povich show.\nMaury: Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a midsection. Please welcome Damla Jones.\nDamla: [a blonde] Hello, Maury. [walks out. She has spindly legs, but no chest, abdomen or back. Think Mike Wazowski of \"Monsters Inc.\" The boys are suitably disgusted]\nScene Description: Cut to Cartman and the boys.\nCartman: Aww, sick dude!\nScene Description: Cut to show.\nMaury: [Damla climbs onto the guest chair] You're a very brave little girl, and I'm very proud of you.\nDamla: [voice quivering] Thank you.\nMaury: [leans forward] Can you tell the audience how miserable your life is?\nDamla: Uh-uh, yes. It is.\nMaury: [giggles] You're a cutey. Do the other kids at school sometimes make fun of you?\nDamla: Sometimes.\nMaury: [puts his left hand on her forehead] Do people sometimes stare at you?\nDamla: Sometimes.\nMaury: [sits on the ground in front of her] Do they go, \"Oh, gross. What the hell is that thing\"?\nDamla: Mmm-I don't know. [looks away and down]\nMaury: Well your mommy told us you like to listen to music.\nDamla: Yes.\nMaury: Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna give you a three hundred dollar gift certificate to CD World in Torrance! [the studio audience applauds, music starts up to lead to commercial] All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're gonna meet a woman whose head was smashed in on a locker! And we're gonna give her a makeover!\nScene Description: Cut to sofa.\nKyle: This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks! And then gives them prizes at the end after they joked about it. What a dick!\nScene Description: Cut to show.\nAnnouncer: Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement or disability that we can exploit on the Maury Povich show? If so, call 1-555-HEY MAURY!\nScene Description: Cut to sofa.\nStan: Dude! One of us should make up some disease and get on the Maury Povich show so we can win a prize!\nKyle: Cool!\nCartman: Oh YES!! [gets off the sofa and heads for the phone]\nButters: Oh, that'd be awesome! [Cartman dials the number]\nKyle: [he and the other two follow Cartman] Do you think they'll believe it?\nStan: What disease should we say?\nCartman: Shhh. Be quite, you guys! [talks to someone on the phone] Hello, is this Maury Povich? [beat] Oh, well who the hell are you? [beat] Oh. Well I'm calling about your ad for freaks? [Stan grins, Kyle stifles a laugh] Ye-right, people with disabilities? [beat] Yeah, I have a friend; he has a deformity; I think he'd be perfect for your show. [beat] Great! [beat] Hih-his condition? [beat] Uh, he has a condition called \"chinballalitis.\" [beat] Yeah, his balls actually hang from his chin. [Stan stilfes a laugh and closes his eyes, then Butters stifles a laugh. All of them giggle. Cartman tells the others] Shut uh- shut up you guys. [beat, then on the phone] Yes. [beat] Yes, of course he's very upset about it. [beat] Yes, he cries all the time. [beat] Miserable, uh huh. [beat] You wha- Really?\nStan: [drops his hands] What? [the others follow]\nCartman: Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow!\nKyle: Awesome!\nButters: Cool!\nCartman: Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the show. [trying to be subtle] There will of course be a prize involved? [beat] Great. I'll call you back in an hour. [gladly] No, thank you. [hangs up] YES!\nStan: This is gonna be so funny!\nButters: Uh, it sure is!\nKyle: But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin?\nButters: Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' chin?\nKyle: Yeah.\nButters: Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters.\nStan: We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. Who'd you think we were talkin' about?\nButters: We-ell hold on a second, you guys.\nCartman: [hops off the chair] Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.\nButters: Hang on now.\nKyle: Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters!\nButters: Wait! W-why does it have to be me??\nStan: It has to be you, Butters. Think about it.\nCartman: Yeah.\nButters: But fellas, if I go on Maury Povich, with- with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna get really mad.\nKyle: We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.\nButters: I'm sorry, but the answer is uh uh, uh uh, uh uh. [crosses his arms and looks away]\nStan: [looks away and up] Kenny woulda done it. [Butters reacts]\nButters: ...So? I told you guys before: [with emphasis] I'm not Kenny.\nKyle: We know. Believe me, we know. We're reminded every day that you're not Kenny because Kenny... was cool.\nCartman: Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awesome friend.\nStan: [begins to walk and lead the others away] Well, come on guys. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand. [Butters now looks chastened]\nCartman: Yeah.\nButters: Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my mom and dad won't find out?\nScene Description: The Trekkers' place down the street, next day. The two Trekkers work on Butters.\nBrunet Trekker: Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spirit gum.\nButters: Hey that spirit gum sure is stinky.\nStan: Where's you get the balls from?\nBrunet Trekker: We made a plastic mold of his chin, and then made a latex scrotum and put two golf balls inside.\nCartman: Nice.\nBlond Trekker: Now we just blend the skin tones, add a little hair, [spins the chair around] and presto! [shows Butters' new look to the boys. Butters indeed sports a fake scrotum]\nStan: Wow!\nKyle: That looks awesome!\nButters: Aw, I feel silly.\nCartman: They look great on you, Butters. They really do.\nBlond Trekker: I believe you owe us payment now? [Stan and Kyle look at each other]\nStan: All right, the original AVID cut of Star Wars: Episode I\nBrunet Trekker: Wooww!\nBlond Trekker: They weren't lying!\nScene Description: The Trekkers' place. The boys leave the room.\nKyle: [softly] Why the hell would they want that anyway? [drops to a whisper] Episode I sucked balls.\nCartman: Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls. [the Trekkers begin to fight over the tape. Butters checks his new balls self-consciously]\nBlond Trekker: Here, damnit!\nBrunet Trekker: Hey, hey! Stop it, man!\nScene Description: Denver Airport, next day.\nAnnouncer: Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York now ready for general boarding.\nStan: That's your flight, Butters.\nCartman: Okay, here's your ticket [hands it to Butters] and they're gonna have a car waiting for you at the gate in New York. [pushes him forward]\nButters: Uh wait. [stops] You guys aren't comin' with me?\nStan: Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch you on TV.\nButters: [backs up into the lineup] Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go.\nCartman: God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys?\nKyle: Yeah, he sure is.\nStan: Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great friend! [pause]\nCartman: Buh-ters! Buh-ters!\nButters: [hesitant] Uhhh all right, then. See you guys tomorrow. [heads for the gate, then turns around. The boys wave at him. Butters looks down, then walks into the plane.]\nScene Description: New York, TV Studio, day.\nStagehand: Thanks for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you. And this is the Green Room where you can hang out with the other guests until we call for you on set. Boy with Balls on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head, Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured Country Singer, and Man With No Face.\nButters: Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've seen you on TV before.\nMan with no face: [goes for some water] Yes, this is my sixth appearance. [drinks]\nStagehand: I'll come back in a bit, folks. [leaves]\nMan with foot on head: Hey Roger! [the stagehand stops] What the hell is with these horrible veggie platters?!\nDisfigured country singer: Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables.\nRoger: I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. Just take a seat on the couch, kid. I'll be back in a minute. [Butters looks at the others, then makes his way to a spot on the couch and sits down. A long silence follows]\nDisfigured country singer: ...Boy with balls on his chin. Haven't seen you around. How long have you been on the circuit?\nButters: What circuit?\nMan with foot on head: The talk-show circuit. Don't tell us this is your first one.\nButters: Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more than once?\nMan with no face: Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally Jessie five times.\nDisfigured country singer: [looks at the man with no face] You've only done Jenny once?\nMan with foot on head: Oh, ah I hate doing the Jenny Jones show. They don't even have their own hair people.\nMan with no limbs: I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.\nDisfigured country singer: Yeah, you picked a good show to do first, kid, but you need to learn the ropes. There are a lot of people like you all over the country, and we all do talk shows for a living.\nMan with foot on head: We all know each other and we kinda stick together to make sure our industry is protected.\nMan with no face: Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being a freak.\nButters: [trembling] Oh they, they do, huh?\nDisfigured country singer: Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these shows and then take our money away!\nMan with no limbs: We don't take kindly to that.\nButters: Well I can certainly see why.\nMan with no limbs: It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. Not after what they saw what we did to Lobster Boy.\nButters: Lobster Boy?\nMan with foot on head: Yeah, loh-, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured people on TV.\nDisfigured country singer: But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster.\nMan with no limbs: [grousing] Lying sack of crap.\nMan with foot on head: So you know what we did to him?\nButters: What?\nMan with foot on head: One night all us freaks got together, and we... boiled him alive. [Butters stares, then an image of a lobster in a boiling pot appears, then vanishes]\nDisfigured country singer: Now Lobster Boy is no more.\nButters: Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake conditions, too. Those stupid fakers.\nMan with foot on head: We're glad you agree.\nStagehand: Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're up next.\nButters: [hops off the couch and heads for the door.] Oh, Jesus, see me through this.\nScene Description: Maury Povich Show promo.\nAnnouncer: Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring back some of our favorite disfigured people [four scenes: first, the man with the foot on his head is talking to the girl with rapid aging disease and disfigured country singer, then the disfigured country singer is shown eating a subway sub, then the man with no face shows his disfigurement, and finally Butters' shadow is shown in profile] and introduce you to some new ones.\nScene Description: Stan's living room. The boys watch TV..\nStan: Here he comes.\nKyle: This is gonna be awesome!\nScene Description: Maury Povich Show, new segment.\nMaury: Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect which caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin.\nCartman: Testicles and scrotum! [laughs gleefully]\nMaury: Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park Colorado. [Butters looks out timidly at the audience from behind the curtain, then heads for the guest chair.] Thanks so much for coming on our show.\nButters: Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose.\nMaury: So, is it tough being ...different?\nButters: Uhhh, yeah.\nMaury: And do all the kids at school make fun of you?\nButters: [forgetting why he's supposedly made of] They sure do. They always say to me, \"Butters, you're not Kenny.\" But I never said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would do this and Kenny would do that-\nCartman: Uh oh, we're losin' him.\nButters: I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! Kenny's dead and you'll just have tuh deal with it.\nMaury: Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make fun of you because of your condition?\nButters: Uh what condition?\nMaury: [terse] You have balls that hang off your chin.\nButters: I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make fun of me for that.\nStan, Kyle: Phew.\nCartman: Oh, that was close.\nMaury: What names do they call you at school?\nButters: Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, \"Hey, there goes Chinballs!\" [Stan and Kyle grin, Cartman laughs hard]\nMaury: And do they call you \"freak\" and \"weirdo\"?\nButters: Well yeah, I s'pose.\nMaury: [sits on the floor and draws closer] Do they point at you and laugh? Do they make you wish you'd never been born? Make you wish to put an end to the whole... miserable wretched earth?\nButters: Uh, sure.\nMaury: Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for you.\nStan, Kyle: Wait, here it is, here it is!\nCartman: The present.\nMaury: Because you're such a brave little chinballed man, we're gonna send you directly from this studio to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world!\nButters: Oh really?\nKyle: Wow!\nCartman: Did he say \"the... largest putt-putt golf course in the world\"?\nMaury: Go on, you're going right now!! [Butters hops off and walks away happily]\nStan: But, that's not fair! That means Butters gets to go and we don't!\nKyle: Yeah! We thought of the whole thing!\nCartman: Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to screw us over! That asshole!\nScene Description: Cartman's room, later that day. Cartman is on the phone.\nCartman: Hello, is this the Maury Povich show? [beat] Yes, I'm calling because I saw your television program, and I also have balls hanging from my chin. [strokes his \"balls\"] I'd like to come in and talk about my disorder and perhaps get a free trip to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?\nOperator: [just painted the fingernails on her right hand and is having them dry] I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now. We're looking for people for a new topic.\nCartman: What's the new topic?\nOperator: Please help my out-of-control child.\nCartman: Oh. Hey, I'm out of control!\nOperator: Really? [pulls out a notepad and starts taking notes] Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are?\nCartman: Uh, sure!\nOperator: Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at such a young age?\nCartman: Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and potpourri, and queazies.\nOperator: Well that's great! If you can get your mom to come in with you, we'd love to fly you out.\nCartman: [stunned] ...my, my mom?\nScene Description: Cartman's home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread men for baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind his back.\nCartman: Mmoooomm?\nLiane: Yes, sweetie?\nCartman: Could you do me a favor?\nLiane: What's that, my little man?\nCartman: Could you um... go on the Maury Povich show with me and say that I'm out of control and do drugs and have sex so that I can go to the largest putt-putt golf course in the wwoooorrlldd?\nLiane: Hmmm. but you're not out of control, muffin. You're my perfect little gum drop.\nCartman: I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't you?\nLiane: Of course I do.\nCartman: Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such a wonderful mother.\nLiane: Sweetie, don't.\nCartman: Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a great mother. [turns around and walks out] Such a beautiful mother.\nScene Description: Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have apparently heard about the show. Stephen has his arms folded in front of him.\nLinda: Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!\nButters: [still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.\nStephen: Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!\nButters: Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.\nStephen: Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!\nLinda: Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!\nButters: [with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]\nScene Description: Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself.\nButters: Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]\nStan: [on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?\nButters: Oh Jesus! They were??\nStan: Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.\nButters: Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?\nStan: I- told them where to find you.\nButters: What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not bein' a real freak!\nStan: Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]\nButters: Oh Jesus no. [hops off his dresser and walks away from the window] They've come to boil me alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah, I've gotta get outta here! [reaches his bedroom door, but turns around] Wait! I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh Christ, what a pickle! [the doorbell rings.]\nScene Description: Butters' house, out front. A scream is heard and the freaks look around.\nMan with foot on head: Napoleon? [the disfigured country singer goes for the knob and opens the door.]\nDisfigured country singer: Napoleon Bonaparte? [leads the other freaks in. Butters quickly prepares his false scrotum...] I think he's up here. [opens the door, and Butters grins back at them with one hand on the dresser and a suave pose. His balls are back in place]\nButters: Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem?\nDisfigured country singer: There you are, Boy With Balls On His Chin.\nMan with foot on head: We've got big news! The union is striking.\nButters: [relaxes] The union? Oh, that's why you came?\nDisfigured country singer: We're tired of our crappy prizes! So the union president, Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round everyone up.\nButters: Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. Ah-, I'm grounded.\nMan with foot on head: Grounded for what?\nButters: For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, nothin'. [strikes the pose again] Ah I'm not grounded.\nMan with no face: Good, then you can march with us. Freaks of the world,\nThe Freaks: Unite! [Butters looks at them]\nScene Description: Maury Povich show.\nAnnouncer: Today on Maury Povich: These moms [three are shown. Only Liane grins] don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids! [a fat blonde girl is shown, then Cartman's school picture] Young boys and girls so whorish on our show that it borders on child pornography!\nMaury: [on his stool] We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control. [the woman next to him blows her nose] Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old daughter Vanity is already doing drugs and having sex with older men. [Vanessa begins to bawl]\nStudio audience: Ooohhhhhhhh.\nMaury: Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her toooo... do her homework.\nVanessa: [sobbing] She says she hates me. She, she calls me \"retard\"? And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it. [sobs some more]\nStudio audience: Aawwwwww. [music starts up]\nMaury: Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity! [she steps out and the awws turn into boos]\nVanity: Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you! [moons the audience, and an OOPS! bubble appears over the area. Vanity then walks up to her mom and slaps her hard across the face. Vanessa winces in pain]\nMaury: Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of control teen.\nSome audience members: Yeah! [the rest cheer, then a chant rises from the din] Maury! Maury!\nVanity: Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit! You could aks her! I aks her all my homies that they be down wit it. You know, it's all good shit. [the audience boos and she holds up her middle fingers, which are blurred] Fuck you, cocksuckuhs!\nScene Description: Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.\nCartman: Jeez, that girl is pissed off.\nStagehand: [enters] Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two minutes. [leaves]\nScene Description: On stage.\nVanessa: [weeping] Why can't you just listen to me and love me [Vanity slaps her] Ow!\nVanity: Shu' up! Shut the fuck [slap] up, you dried-up skank! [slap. Vanessa weeps again]\nScene Description: Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.\nLiane: I'm glad you're not like that, poopsie-kins.\nCartman: [under his breath] But if I'm not the most out-of-control teen, I might not win the prize. [leaves the room and finds the stagehand] Excuse me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's wardrobe?\nStagehand: Second door on the right.\nScene Description: Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - \"FREAK OUT 2K2\".\nThe Freaks: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!\nMan with terrible skin condition: Brothers and sisters, the time has come for us to be treated with the respect we deserve! We are a strong and diverse group of people, with members like [shown] Woman with Crablike Body, [shown] Incredibly Obese Black Person, [shown] Man with Brains Outside of Head, and [shown] Liza Minnelli. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks while they make tens of thousands of dollars.\nThe Freaks: Yeah!\nMan with terrible skin condition: We told the talk shows our demands, and they laughed! They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their shows! So we must picket those other guests!\nThe Freaks: Yeah!\nButters: Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't picket, guys.\nHammerhead Man: You're not gonna picket?\nMan with terrible skin condition: Who's not gonna picket? [the crowd parts and all hands point to Butters]\nDisfigured country singer: Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't wanna picket. [lowers his left arm]\nButters: Well it's just that my parents are... I can't picket!\nMan with no limbs: [emerges from the crowd] Why? You're not a SCAB, are you?\nButters: NO I I'm not a scab.\nMan with terrible skin condition: Now, we will split up into groups and form picket lines. The first group will be led by: Incredibly Obese Black Man.\nIncredibly obese black man: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man, I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.\nMan with terrible skin condition: [looks at Incredibly Black Obese Man, then says flatly] ...Oh, right. My bad.\nScene Description: Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment.\nAnnouncer: And now, back to more kids who are out of control, on the Maury Povich show!\nMaury: Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her son claims to be the most out-of-control kid in the world and says there's nothing his stupid mom can do about it.\nStudio audience: Awww.\nVanessa: Why won't you kids behave? [Vanity stands and smacks her across the face]\nVanity: [shakes her mom around by the neck] Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to you! [slaps her again and sits down]\nMaury: So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your child?\nLiane: Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into no-nos once in a while, but he's still my perfect little plumsy-kiddle.\nMaury: Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a look. [a video starts up with Cartman dolled up as a slut moving around to hip-hop music]\nCartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch! Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!\nStudio audience: [gasps, then] BOOOO!!\nLiane: Oh, he's such a cutie.\nMaury: Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric Cartman! [steps out from behind the curtain and immediately gives the finger to the audience]\nCartman: Wha'evah! Wha'evah! [walks up to a seat next to his mom's and sits there] Maury, my mom can't control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh!\nMaury: Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do?\nLiane: Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear.\nCartman: [under his breath] Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs.\nLiane: Oh, I mean, sex and drugs.\nStudio audience: Oooohhh!\nCartman: [hops off his chair and tries the audience] What-evah! What-evah! [snaps his left-hand fingers back and forth] I'll do what I waunt!\nVanity: Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! [sits back down]\nVanity: What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't nothin'! I ditch class and go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!\nCartman: What-evah! I ran for Congress and won. Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll do what I waunt!\nScene Description: Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - \"FREAK OUT 2K2\".\nMan with terrible skin condition: What do we want?\nThe Freaks: Better prizes!\nMan with terrible skin condition: When do we want them?\nThe Freaks: Now!\nMan with terrible skin condition: What do we want?\nThe Freaks: Better prizes!\nButters: [muttering along] Better prizes.\nMan with terrible skin condition: When do we want them?\nThe Freaks: Now!\nButters: Never. [approached the Man with Terrible Skin Condition] Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me.\nMan with terrible skin condition: Napoleon, you need to understand something: for a union to work all members must be prepared to make sacrifices and stick together.\nButters: But I gotta get back to my family.\nMan with terrible skin condition: [drops his sign and drops on one knee next to Butters] We're you family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you we don't even see the testicles on your chin. We see the testicles in your heart. [back to the freaks] What do we want?\nThe Freaks: Better prizes!\nMan with terrible skin condition: When do we want them?\nThe Freaks: Now!\nButters: Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' worse. [joins the others in the strike. Several police cruisers pull up and police pour out of them]\nPolice captain: Okay folks, we're gonna have to move along.\nMan with foot on head: Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket.\nPolice captain: I'm sorry, but the government does not recognize you as a union. You'll have to go.\nMiddle Dwarf: What are you saying? That because of our appearance our organization is less important?\nPolice captain: Now now now, I'm not telling you people that your union doesn't matter, I'm just telling you that you're not really... people.\nMan with foot on head: ...Alright, that does it! It's time to bring out the big guns! Prepare the video sabotage!\nButters: Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh.\nScene Description: Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment.\nAnnouncer: Who is the most out of controlled child? We're back with Maury.\nMaury: We're here, talking with moms who think their children are out of control.\nVanity: What evah!\nCartman: I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!\nMaury: [walks to the third woman on the panel] Now let's meet Joline. Joline says that her daughter is also out of control, that she's flirting with older men, and, she's only four months old.\nStudio audience: Aawwww.\nJoline: Mmhmm, that's right Maurih.\nMaury: Let's bring her out: here's Chantal! [Chantal crawls out amid audience boos. The camera focuses on her diaper. Chantal reaches Joline, who picks her up and sits her on the chair next to hers] So Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control? You say she flirts with older men? [Chantal plays with her rattle]\nJoline: Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have friends over to the house Chantal will come waltzin' in the livin' room completely naked!\nStudio audience: Ooohhh!\nVanity: Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting.\nCartman: What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I waunt!\nMaury: Wow, that is out of control!\nJoline: Why, just last night I had three gentlemen callers over to my house, and Chantal took her clothes off right in front o' everybody!\nStudio audience: Boooo! [Chantal drops down and starts wiggling.]\nJoline: You see? [Her diaper drops, then her top.] There she goes. There she goes. [Chantal shows her butt to the audience] OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE!\nScene Description: The screen behind them sputters and changes. The Maury Povich logo disappears.\nMan with foot on head: [appearing] Attention Maury viewers.\nMaury: What the hell is this? [another image replaces the one of Man with Foot on Head]\nElephant man: A lot of decent hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk-show jobs to freaks of a different nature. Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one. So next time you're watching television, make sure it's a show with \"freak\" freaks, and not just with people that are freaks because they're stupid trailer trash from the South. That's what we mean when we say, \"Look for the True Freak label\" [his image fades to that of the True Freak label]\nButters and the Freaks: [Butters sits atop a True Freak label box and starts off] Look for the True Freak label [four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show [a side shot of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember somewhere, [a shot of the audience] our union's growing [a front shot of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed the kids. [a front shot of more freaks walking in] And run the house- We work hard, but who's complaining? [a zoom-out shot as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With TFU we're making our way! [a pan shot] So always look for the True Freak label, [a full crowd shot] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.! [the Maury Povich logo is restored]\nMaury: Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, heh. Anyway-\nMan: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. Come on, honey. [takes her hand and leads her out. Other audience members begin to grouse and leave]\nMaury: [pleading] Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can make the other out-of-control kids take... their clothes off, too!\nCartman: [hops off his chair and steps forward] Whatevah! I'll crap in Maury's pants! [more audience members leave]\nCameraman: Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet.\nMaury: Ah, those damned freaks! [throws his microphone against the back wall and heads for the exit]\nScene Description: Outside the Maury Povich studio. A door opens and Maury steps out. The freaks stop and wait.\nMaury: I gave you shoes! And groceries! And this is how you repay me?! [the freaks simply look back at him] Very well. Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate! [goes in and slams the door shut. A few seconds later the freaks cheer their victory]\nMan with foot on head: We did it! The strike worked!\nMan with terrible skin condition: Now we can go on with our careers!\nButters: Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home. [drops his sign and moves off. An angry Cartman catches up to him]\nCartman: Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the last time! [rips the balls off Butters' chin. The freaks react immediately and fall silent]\nButters: Oh. Double hamburgers.\nMan with foot on head: Jesus Christ! That out-of-control kid ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off!\nIncredibly obese black man: Get him!\nCartman: Aaahh! [three freaks trail behind with a boiling pot of water]\nIncredibly obese black man: Get him! Get him! [the freaks charge at Cartman, who runs off in fear]\nButters: Hey. Things actually turned out... okay for me this time. [a taxicab pulls up and screeches to a halt]\nStephen: [quickly exits the cab with Linda] Butters!\nButters: [anticipating] Oh I know."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondik steps off.\nMs. Choksondik: Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher.\nRancher: Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob.\nMs. Choksondik: Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.\nKids: Hi, Rancher Bob.\nRancher Bob: I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. Follow me.\nKyle: [to Stan] City kids get to go to museums for field trips. We get cow farms.\nRancher Bob: Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death. [a shot of the cows looking back at the class.]\nCartman: They look so delicious. [Kyle looks at him]\nRancher Bob: [leading the class down a line of cows] Now here we have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers. [a cow moos and a guillotine comes down, chopping its head off.]\nKids: Eewwww!!\nKyle: Aw, dude. [Two workers come and carry the cow's body away, leaving the head behind. Rancher Bob reaches down for a skinned leg and holds it up]\nRancher Bob: Hey, anybody want a free sample?\nCartman: [raises his arm up with glee] Memememee!\nRancher Bob: [now standing next to a darkened doorway] And in here, boys and girls, we have our... [flips on a switch, illuminating the room beyond.] veal ranch. [the class looks at the baby calves in the room. A closeup changes the music from spritely to somber. A shot of the class, with some kids showing some dread. Bob walks over to a calf and kneels by it] You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft, and makes for tender veal.\nStan: Wait a minute. Veal is... little baby cows??\nRancher Bob: Yeppir.\nKyle: Then why the hell do they call it \"veal\"??\nRancher Bob: Well, if we called it \"little baby cow\" people might not eat it.\nStan: Yeah, I wouldn't have.\nButters: Huh, me neither.\nCartman: Oh, man, look at that one! [moves towards the calves] It looks delicious.\nKyle: What??\nCartman: Mm, succulent and juicy. [reaches the calf he was eyeing] Can we have a free sample of these, too?\nRancher Bob: Well, no, but all these veals are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by tomorrow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store.\nCartman: Alriiight!\nStan: Tomorrow morning? [a shot of the calves has Stan, Kyle, and Butters transfixed. The rest of the class leaves] Dude, we gotta help them.\nKyle: Yeah.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Cartman is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his window.\nStan: [knocks twice on the wall below the window] Pst, Cartman.\nCartman: [responding to a dream] No, Uncle Jesse, no!\nStan: [knocks twice while saying] Cartman, wake up!\nCartman: [wakes up and sees his friends] What? What the hell are you guys doing??\nKyle: [opening the window] Come on, we've gotta go!\nCartman: Where are we going?\nStan: We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass!\nCartman: What? Why?\nKyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!\nCartman: So?\nStan: So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend; now come help us!\nCartman: Well, lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me \"fatass\", \"butthole\", and \"douchebag\". I really don't feel like you guys's friend. [lies back down and closes his eyes]\nStan: We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us because friends stick together.\nButters: Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because he has the \"Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering Playset.\"\nStan: [heaves softly] Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!\nCartman: [sits up] Oho! So you need me and my Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering Playset!\nStan: [plainly] Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only hope. Will you help us?\nCartman: Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass. [turns his ass to Kyle, lowers his pants and underwear, and waits]\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.\nKyle: Screw you, Cartman!\nCartman: Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.\nStan: Go on, dude it's the only way.\nKyle: No!\nCartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.\nStan: Just do it really fast, and we can go.\nKyle: Have Butters kiss it.\nCartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman unleashes a juicy fart. Kyle withdraws in fits and starts]\nKyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]\nCartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome!\nKyle: Sick! I felt it on my face!\nStan: Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!\nCartman: Hell, I'm not goin' with you! [lies back down and closes his eyes again]\nKyle: HYAAAAA! [lunges at Cartman and starts hitting him]\nCartman: Heeeey! [rolls off the bed and the wrestling continues]\nScene Description: Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put on the costume and harness.\nButters: Oh I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: \"Not for actual breaking and entering. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime.\"\nStan: Yeah, well killing little helpless baby cows should be a crime, too! [holds up parts of a torch] How does this thing work, Cartman?\nCartman: [heaves and takes the torch from Stan] Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask [hands it to Stan] and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. [opens the gas valve and lights the gas stream. A blue flame shoots out and the other boys jump back.]\nScene Description: The hole is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground.\nStan: [softly into his headset] Okay, that's far enough. I'm going to go delta.\nCartman: [peers down. Butters and Kyle join him] You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset.\nStan: [looks up and calls out] I said that's far enough! [the harness drops to the floor. He gets up and unlocks himself out of the harness, and it goes back up. A calf looks back at him innocently. Stan moves up behind the calf, the softly] Don't be scared, little baby cow. We're here to set you loose. [removes the chain] There you go. You're free. Run away! [the calf doesn't move, and Stan gestures] Go! They're gonna murder you.\nCartman: Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off.\nKyle: You need to freeze some of your ass off.\nCartman: O! At least I have an ass, Jew!\nKyle: What? [below, Stan removes the chains from the remaining calves]\nStan: Come on, you stupid baby cows! [walks towards the door and lifts up the security bar, then opens the door] You have to get out of here. [they just lift their heads and look at the entrance. The other boys join Stan inside the veal ranch]\nButters: Huuh what's the matter?\nStan: They aren't leaving.\nCartman: See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks.\nKyle: Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They just don't know how.\nStan: Oh yeah, they're too weak to move. [a shot of the calves again] Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back.\nButters: No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll get grounded.\nStan: Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player! We'll bring them to my house.\nKyle: Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house?\nStan: I don't know.\nCartman: I've got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood.\nKyle: Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't have that much blood in him!\nButters: Eh yeah I do too!\nStan: [moves towards the calves] We're just gonna have to carry them one by one. [lifts up his first calf] Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Butters look at each other, then move to join Stan]\nCartman: Eh! [follows]\nScene Description: The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands next to it.\nCartman: Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. [pushes the calf further across the ice]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room. Three of the boys are there with the calves.\nCartman: Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer.\nStan: We won't have to. Butters said he had something in his house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over.\nKyle: Butters had that at his house?\nButters: [enters carrying a box] Hey fellas!\nStan: Butters! [Butters turns] Did you bring it?\nButters: I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in no time!\nKyle: All right!\nButters: [reads the box] \"Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser.\"\nStan: What?\nButters: \"Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!\"\nKyle: Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?\nButters: Eh, you think it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on the box that it works.\nScene Description: Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hello, Mrs. Marsh.\nSharon: Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property.\nSharon: Stole? A-a-are you sure? [Randy and Shelly appear next to her]\nRancher Bob: I followed a calf-curling trail right to your house, ma'am.\nShelly: Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom.\nSharon: Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding. [she leads the others upstairs to Stan's room.] Stanley, did you see-? [she's stunned at what she sees]\nStan: Aw crap!\nSharon: Stanley, what are you doing with those calves?\nStan: [points an accusing finger at Rancher Bob and approaches] That asshole is gonna kill them and feed them to people!\nRandy: Stanley, they belong to him.\nStan: They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want these calves to die.\nShelly: [smacks her fist] Let me hit him, Mom!\nSharon: Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is gonna take his cows back and [points at him] you don't have a choice! [Stan looks dejected, then defiant. He closes his door and locks himself in with Cartman, Butters and Kyle. Sharon then pounds on the door and tries to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!\nStan: No!\nRandy: Stan, you're behaving like a kid!\nStan: You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer! [walks off to his right]\nSharon: Open this door, now!\nStan: [pushing his dresser into place against the door] Kiss my ass!\nButters: Oh Jeez, he said \"ass\" to his parents.\nKyle: You're getting in pretty deep, dude. [Stan glares back with a look of determination]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.\nSharon: I apologize for this, Mr. Rancher Person.\nRancher Bob: Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows will be safe? And when they come out I can take them back.\nSharon: I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life.\nRancher Bob: Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. [nudges Barbrady on the shoulder] What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?\nOfficer Barbrady: Me?? How did I get into this mess?\nScene Description: Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.\nKyle: So what happens now?\nStan: I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing.\nKyle: We're with you, dude.\nButters: Yeah.\nStan: [serious] Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want out, just say the word now.\nCartman: I want out.\nStan: [glares] Shut up, Cartman.\nKyle: We're with you, Stan.\nButters: Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to.\nStan: Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except Cartman.\nKyle, Butters: Yeah!\nCartman: Yeah! Wait-what?\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents and Butters' parents have joined the other adults.\nSharon: And so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room until we can promise them the calves will live free, in writing.\nSheila: Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me!\nSharon: Well excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple!\nSheila: HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have that door open! [the adults leave the living room and go up the stairs, stopping at Stan's door] Kyle?! [pounds on the door] This is your mother! You will open this door right now!\nKyle: [pause] ...No I won't.\nSharon: [gets to retort] Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila. [Sheila looks at her] That was very impressive.\nSheila: [turns back to the door] Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, I'm going to be very angry!\nKyle: Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!\nSharon: [folds her arms] Very persuasive.\nSheila: [starts pounding away furiously at the door] AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!\nStephen: [calms Sheila down and takes over] Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try. [faces the door] Butters? [slight zoom-in on Butters] Butters, this is your father.\nButters: [to the boys] Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?\nStan: Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this.\nStephen: Butters? Answer me!\nButters: [to the boys] But they-ah they're angry at me.\nKyle: Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. [begins to whisper in Butters' ear] You can tell them...\nStephen: Butters! Right now!\nButters: Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?\nStephen: WHAT?!\nButters: Oh, sweet Jesus.\nStephen: [turns to the other adults] What's gotten into them?\nSharon: Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your little game is over!\nStan: This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until we know the calves will be safe.\nSharon: Well that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizzas and ice cream.\nCartman: [weakening] Oh, God-damnit you guys.\nKyle: Cartman, stay away from that door!\nSharon: You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in. [the adults walk away, but Sheila stops and turns back to the door.]\nSheila: [pounds on the door once more] Mmmrragh!!\nStan: [sighs] Round one is over. We made it. [the boys gather in]\nCartman: We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?!\nStan: Our parents would never let us starve. They're bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll give in.\nKyle: But we will have to sleep, dude.\nStan: Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.\nButters: [finding a way to relate] Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie!\nStan: We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as long as it takes! [one calf takes a dump on the carpet, another walks up and takes a piss on it]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the sofa while the men try to remove the door with tools. Liane is now present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs.\nRandy: Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door without tearing apart the house.\nSheila: Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!\nLiane: Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food.\nSharon: Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all.\nLiane: Oh, all right.\nSheila: Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little game for as long as they can.\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits at his desk.\nButters: Good night, fellas!\nKyle: Good night.\nButters: [to the calves] Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Neptune. Good night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity.\nCartman: Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again.\nScene Description: Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his stomach.\nCartman: Can't go on. Need... food...\nKyle: We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad.\nCartman: There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf.\nStan: No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!\nCartman: All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters. [points]\nKyle: [looks back at Stan] He might be right, dude.\nButters: Aw, heck. [a basket floats up to the window on a pole]\nStan: Wait, what is that? [points to the basket. The other three boys turn. Cartman approaches the window and takes the basket] Dude!\nCartman: Food!\nScene Description: Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharon and Sheila go outside to see what's going on.\nSharon: Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?\nLiane: Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer.\nSheila: Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.\nScene Description: Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out of the basket. Stan walks away with two apples.\nKyle: All right!\nStan: See? Now we can hold out for weeks!\nCartman: Look you guys! Beef jerky!\nKyle: Yeah! And fried chicken! [Stan sits at a corner with his apples.]\nStan: [sensing a lapse] Wha? [rises and walks to his bed, where the other boys sit eating]\nKyle, Cartman: Mmmmm.\nStan: Dude, what are you guys doing?\nKyle: We're eating, dude.\nStan: You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think we're doing all this for?!\nKyle: Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether.\nButters: Me neither.\nCartman: Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a pussy.\nStan: [returns to his corner] That's fine! You guys can live off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again!\nCartman: Go ahead, that's more for us. [tempts the calf next to him with some beef jerky] You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? [the calf starts chewing on it] Who's the hungry man?\nKyle: [looks over] Dude, that's messed up. [Stan looks as well, but goes back to his apples]\nScene Description: Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into Stan's room from the fire truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard.\nKyle: You guys, check this out! [a TV now sits where the football normally is, and the picture shown is that of Stan's house. The other boys join Kyle in looking at the news report from News 4]\nField reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the house where four insane boy terrorists have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant cattle.\nButters: Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we are. [Cartman looks at him, then slaps him hard across the face to shut him up] Eugh!\nField reporter: Several attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say.\nThomas: [with wife and son] We were sleeping when suddenly we heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here in our own community. [Craig shows his right middle finger to the camera. Next, the boys' parents are shown]\nRandy: We gave those kids everything, and they turned into little... John Walkers!\nField reporter: The police chief of South Park says that there will be no negotiations with terrorists.\nButters: Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas.\nStan: No, this is exactly what we wanted.\nKyle: It is?\nStan: Yeah, don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're making the news, then this is obviously important to people.\nField reporter: Tom, it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important, but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching programming once again to \"Puppies from Around the World.\"\nScene Description: The news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown to African chanting, then another to flute music, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball, then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music is heard.\nStan: [the boys are stunned] ...I don't believe it.\nButters: Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far.\nScene Description: Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.\nStan: [notices the situation] Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your arm around me! [Butters stirs and turns around]\nButters: [waking up as well] Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles. [voices are heard outside and the boys sit up, then move towards the window]\nVoices: We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved\nKyle: Huh, what the hell is that?\nHippies: If we... fight together we can make sure the road is paved.For a... brighter tomorrow...\nCartman: Hippies!\nStan: What are they doing here?\nHippie: [on bullhorn] We're with you boys! Your message is real and your fight is just. [the other hippes start cheering]\nHippies: Hooray! Hooray!\nKyle: Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?\nButters: Ewww, they're all dirty.\nCartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!\nScene Description: Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its field reporter.\nField reporter: Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues as now members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict. [FBI vehicles speed in and FBI agents pour out of the vehicles]\nSharon: [not believing what she sees] Oh Jesus Christ. [slaps her hand to her forehead]\nFBI agent: Who's in charge here?\nOfficer Barbrady: I am. But I don't want to be.\nFBI agent: Where's the negotiator?\nFBI negotiator: Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad.\nFBI agent: All right, see what you can do.\nScene Description: Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs and sniffs.\nKyle: Dude, are you okay?\nStan: Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got these sores. [lifts up his shirt to show the sores to the others]\nButters: What is that?\nKyle: Dude, maybe we should end this.\nStan: No!\nScene Description: Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation.\nGlen Dumont: Give me a hard line to the phone in that house! [a squad member gets on it]\nOfficer Barbrady: The terrorists already said there's no way they're coming out.\nGlen Dumont: [receives the phone] Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology.\nScene Description: Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.\nStan: Hello?\nGlen Dumont: Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you?\nStan: Ah, hold on. [turns to the other boys] It's some negotiator named Mike. What do I do?\nKyle: Don't give him anything!\nStan: What do I say??\nCartman: [walks up to Stan and takes over] Dah, give me that! [takes the receiver from Stan] Talk to me Mike.\nGlen Dumont: I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully. You want that, right?\nCartman: Sure, sure.\nGlen Dumont: How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust each other.\nCartman: What do you have in mind?\nGlen Dumont: Well, how about you send out one of the calves?\nCartman: Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike.\nGlen Dumont: Just one, that's all we want.\nCartman: All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... -\nStan: Cartman, no!\nKyle: Dude! [Cartman holds out his palm to silence them]\nCartman: [clears his throat] We'll give you one calf, if you give us... some guns and ammunition of our own.\nGlen Dumont: What? I, I can't do that.\nCartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.\nGlen Dumont: No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.\nCartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.\nGlen Dumont: [trumped] Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, let me see what I can do.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there, waiting out the standoff.\nGlen Dumont: Okay. Up a little... left a little... [a crane lifts a box of ammunition towards Stan's window. Kyle and Butters wait for it] Almost there.\nRandy: [arrives with Sharon] What is that?\nGlen Dumont: We're giving the boys some guns in return for a calf.\nRandy: What?\nSharon: You're giving my baby guns?\nGlen Dumont: [snaps back] Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay? Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't! [walks off in a huff to the negotiation van] Get them on the line for me!\nCartman: [answers the ringing phone] Hello.\nGlen Dumont: Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain.\nCartman: All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf. [in the background, Kyle takes out the guns, tossing them to Butters]\nGlen Dumont: Well, ha- how about you send out two calves?\nCartman: Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is there, Mike?! [Butters assembles a machine gun while Kyle inspects a sword. Stan lies by a corner in a fetal position, on a calf, with more lesions appearing on his face]\nStan: O-ogh...\nCartman: We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me like I'm stupid here! [Butters plays soldier in the background, moving his gun around and then saluting while Kyle practices some lunges]\nGlen Dumont: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [to fellow agents as he holds his hand over the mouthpiece] Damnit, I'm losing them. [to Cartman] Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf.\nCartman: Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something else! [Kyle tosses a dud grenade at Butters, who hits it with a spear. The grenade flies off the bed and onto the floor. Kyle and Butters jump with joy]\nGlen Dumont: What do you have in mind?\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour since the standoff began.\nGlen Dumont: A little to the left... [this time the crane is lifting a missile] Okay, that's good. A little to the right. [Butters and Kyle wait by the window again]\nSheila: You're giving them a missile??\nGlen Dumont: [losing patience] Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust!\nScene Description: Stan's room.\nKyle: [dabbing Stan's sores with a moist towel] Stan's getting worse, you guys.\nCartman: Mike, speak.\nGlen Dumont: How are we doin'?\nCartman: We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things for us?\nGlen Dumont: Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change the word \"veal\" to \"tortured baby cow.\" [holds up an FDA document]\nCartman: Good, good.\nGlen Dumont: But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota.\nCartman: Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.\nGlen Dumont: Now, now please can, can we get you to come out? [Cartman looks over at Stan, who looks sicker by the minute]\nScene Description: Outside Stan's house, night.\nGlen Dumont: All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have promised to come out and bring the cows out with them.\nAdults: Yes! All right! Woohoo!\nOfficer Barbrady: Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator.\nFBI agent: They're coming out now?\nGlen Dumont: Yes. All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport, where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to Mexico.\nSharon: What??\nGlen Dumont: And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on \"Star Trek\" to drive the truck. [beat] In full makeup.\nRandy: Jesus Christ!\nFBI agent: All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action!\nGlen Dumont: All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in return, I want three staples.\nFBI agent: Get out of here! [Dumont bolts. The agent talks to Barbrady] We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If they see that, they'll come out and then, we could take them.\nOfficer Barbrady: But isn't that dishonest?\nFBI agent: Maybe so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to let that happen?\nScene Description: Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.\nFBI agent: All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?\nMichael Dorn: [aka Worf, arrives in full makeup] I was woken up at three in the morning, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town. [folds his arms] What the hell is going on?!\nFBI agent: I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got terrorists making demands and we need your help.\nMichael Dorn: This is highly unusual!\nFBI agent: [on the bullhorn] All right boys, we have your truck. And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International.\nCartman: And Worf?\nMichael Dorn: My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf.\nKyle: [rushes to Stan] Stan! It worked!\nStan: [looking very weak and with a few more sores on his body] It... did?\nKyle: They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay!\nStan: Pick me up. I... I want to see. [Kyle picks him up]\nScene Description: Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out. The FBI agents take aim.\nCartman: Step back! Tell those men to step back!\nFBI agent: Do it!\nFBI Agents: [lowering their weapons and stepping back] Mmrrrr.\nHippies: All right! Woohoo! Yeah!\nCartman: [heads for the street] Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies! [approaches the semi-truck, where Michael Dorn now sits at the wheel. He gets into the passenger side and sits] Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, and you must refer to me as \"Captain.\"\nMichael Dorn: Where am I supposed to drive to?\nCartman: No. See, you must say, \"Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?\"\nMichael Dorn: Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?\nCartman: You're going to back the truck up to the door of the house so we can safely load in the calves.\nMichael Dorn: This whole thing is ridiculous!\nCartman: [correcting Dorn] \"Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!\"\nMichael Dorn: [beat, then in a low voice] Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous. [starts up the engine]\nCartman: [calls out] Okay, all set!\nScene Description: An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering the story - from the camera of another News 4 helicopter.\nField reporter: Tom, it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom.\nScene Description: Ground view, inside the trailer.\nButters: Okay Cartman!\nScene Description: Ground view, on the street.\nCartman: Step on it, Mr. Worf! [the semi peels off]\nBoys: All right!\nScene Description: Inside the trailer.\nButters: We're going! [Kyle grins]\nKyle: Mexico here we come! [Dorn honks to clear everyone out of the way.]\nScene Description: In the cab. Police cars follow the semi.\nCartman: Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr. Worf!\nMichael Dorn: We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads!\nCartman: [correcting gently] \"Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads?\"\nMichael Dorn: Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads.\nCartman: Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and maintain distance from those police cruisers.\nScene Description: Inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor.\nKyle: Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on.\nScene Description: On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch.\nFBI agent: Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. Hit it! [another agent presses a button and a buzzer is heard. A few seconds later balloons fill up under the semi and lift it off the ground. The whole thing comes to a stop]\nCartman: [looks out] Oh, it's a double-cross!!\nFBI agent: [approaches with his fellow agents] Alright, boys! The game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up!\nScene Description: In the trailer.\nKyle: Oh no! No!!\nScene Description: In the cab.\nCartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!\nMichael Dorn: I'm NOT killing anybody!\nCartman: Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!\nScene Description: Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.\nStan: We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!\nFBI agent: [On the bullhorn] Alright boys, just stay right there until your parents arrive.\nMichael Dorn: Can I go now?\nOfficer Barbrady: Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you.\nRancher Bob: Oh. [glances at the stack of veal forming next to him] Well, it doesn't matter now.\nOfficer Barbrady: What do you mean?\nRancher Bob: In the twenty-four hours since the word \"veal\" was officially changed to \"little tortured baby cow\" the market has gone dry. Seems that people see \"little tortured baby cow\" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'.\nButters: Really?\nRancher Bob: Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em live outside with the other cows and live a normal life.\nKyle: Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the veal industry! [Stan doesn't respond. He's passed out] Stan? Stan?? [Butters appears next to them]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked up to IVs and all.\nDr. Doctor: He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.\nRandy: Vaginitis?\nDr. Doctor: It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.\nKyle: Whoa, dude.\nDr. Doctor: We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.\nCartman: Thank God we stopped it in time.\nStan: Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.\nButters: Hear hear.\nSheila: All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.\nStephen: I'll say!\nButters: Aw, we're still grounded?\nKyle: But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.\nGerald: Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.\nStephen: That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.\nThe Boys: All right!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters gather some snacks and put them on the coffee table in the Marsh living room.\nStan: [pouring chips into a bowl] This is gonna be so awesome!\nKyle: Do we have everything?\nStan: Chips, pop, cookies, Kleenex, toilet paper, flares - we won't have to leave the TV room for anything!\nCartman: All right!\nKyle: Look, it's almost time.\nScene Description: HBC commercial.\nAnnouncer: Up next on HBC, the Russell Crowe Show!\nScene Description: The sofa. The boys climb on it.\nStan: Alright, here we go.\nScene Description: Russell Crowe Show intro.\nChoir: Born in New Zealand in sixty-four [Russell sails on a tugboat called \"Tugger\"] A hot-headed actor named Russell Crowe [Russell holds an Oscar lovingly] He loves to act but he loves one thing more: [Russell in a scene from \"Gladiator\"] Fight-in' Round The World [Russell fighting bar patrons at Hap's Bar] He fights his directors and he fights his fans [Russell holds a director up in the air by the lapels, then he fights fans in a pool hall] It's a problem no one understands [Russell fights people in Paris] [spoken by a singer] If there's two things he love it's fighting and, [Russell dances Russian before the Kremlin as a camera man follows him at a distance] Fight-in' Round The World [The cameraman takes a picture and Russell beats him up] Makin' movies, makin' music and [a poster of Russell's new movie, \"A beautiful Mind, by television's Opie\", then a shot of him recording a song] [slowing to half-time] Fight-ing Round The World! [a shot of Russell fighting off some Japanese] [spoken by a singer as a spinning globe appears behind the show logo] Russell Crowe\nRussell Crowe: [dressed as a sailor, standing on a dock] Hello, everybody. I'm Russell Crowe, and this is \"Fight-in' Round The World\" [puts up his fists and cycles them around]. We're gonna have lots of fun tuhday as we travel all around, and look for some good- [a man walks through his shot and Russell does a double-take, then goes after the man] Ay! What the hell do yuh think you're doin'?! [Russell's cameraman moves the camera to catch up with him] You walked right through my shot, mate! Do you know who I am?!\nMan: Oh, excuse me. I was just- [Russell proceeds to beat the crap out of the man]\nRussell Crowe: God-damned smartass! Do you think you could [Shelly comes in and takes the remote, changing the channel. She stops at the WD]\nStan: Shelly, we're watching that! Go back!\nShelly: Shut up, turd. I'm watching Buffy.\nStan: [rushes up to her] No! Shelly, we have to watch HBC! [she switches back to HBC]\nScene Description: Russell Crowe Show.\nRussell Crowe: Oh! Get up! Get up, you little pussy! [the man crawls along the dock on his belly]\nShelly: The Russell Crowe Show? You turds don't even like that show!\nRussell Crowe (off-screen): Oh ya like that do ya?! [punches heard]\nStan: It's not the show we care about. During one of the commercial breaks of tonight's episode, they're gonna show the exclusive never-before-seen trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie!\nKyle: It's the biggest night of the year.\nShelly: [switching channels again] That's stupid! See your turdy trailer some other time!\nStan: But all the other kids are gonna watch it and talk about it at school tomorrow.\nShelly: No, turds!\nCartman: Shelly, did I ever tell you how hot I think you are?\nShelly: Shut up, fat turd!!\nCartman: I'm not a fat turd, I'm a stocky turd!\nShelly: We're not watching this! [a shot of Russell Crowe and the man]\nRussell Crowe: Come on!\nMan: Look, I apologize, but I was just-\nStan: But Shelly, it's the Russell Crowe Show! You always said there's nothing you love more than Russell Crowe.\nShelly: [softly, voice rising] There is one thing I love more than Russell Crowe, and that is seeing you unhappy. So, Buffy it is!\nStan: Shelly, please, let us watch. We'll do anything. Anything!\nShelly: [glances away, then looks at Stan] All right. I just started my period, and I need tampons. If one of you turds go buy them at the store for me, you can watch your stupid turd show with your stupid turd movie commercial in it!\nStan: [glances down, then answers] O-K, deal.\nShelly: And they'd better be here when I come back downstairs, turds! [slaps Stan twice and walks off]\nRussell Crowe: Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't it, kids? But it looks like if we're gonna get in more fights, we're gonna have to go look for 'em.\nKyle: [gathers around Stan with the other boys] Dude, why'd you make that deal? If we're out buying tampons, we'll miss the trailer anyway.\nButters: Ehyeah!\nStan: [somber] Well, only one of us has to go to the store. The others can watch.\nKyle: You'd miss the new trailer?\nStan: Dude, I'm not going.\nCartman: Alright, we'll have to play for it. How about... if your name is Butters, you have to go. Okay, so what's your name? [points to Stan]\nStan: Stan.\nCartman: Stan, okay. What's your name? [points to Kyle]\nKyle: Kyle.\nCartman: Kyle. What's your name? [looks at Butters]\nButters: Butters! Aw, I lose, huh?\nCartman: Aw, yeah, Butters, you lose, sorry, tough break.\nKyle: Well just hurry, Butters. You can probably make it back in time before the first commercial break.\nButters: Oh, Jesus. Ah, I gotta run like the wind. [heads for the door. The other three go back to the sofa]\nRussell Crowe: Seems like no one else here wants to fight.\nKyle: Dude, thank God for stupid people [\"...We'll have to go somewhere else...\"]\nCartman: Amen.\nRussell Crowe: ...lets ask our old friend, Tugger. Where should we go fight people next, Tugger?\nTugger: TOOOOOOT\nRussell Crowe: Great idea! [runs up to the camera] Tugger thinks we should go to the faaar away country of China. [backs up towards the tug boat] China is one of the oldest civilizations on earth. And from what I understand, they LOVE a good fight! So let's go! [rushes onto the tugboat and sets off.]\nTugger: TOOOT TOOOT [a man and a woman appear]\nMan with Mustache: Oh my God! It's Russell Crowe!\nRussell Crowe: [taunts back] Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Oh my Gmah, bah bah byah byah! [gets out and heads for the man and woman] Why don't you mind your own business, you scrotum?! [punches the man. Cut to a sailing Tugger] Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world.\nStan: Dude, why is this guy always beating everybody up?\nRussell Crowe: [at the wheel] What a glorious day to spend a way, fight-in' round the world. [whistles and spins the boat's wheel]\nCartman: What's wrong with the colors on your TV, Stan? They're all saturated. [takes a hold of the remote]\nStan: They look fine to me. [another shot of Russell sailing away]\nKyle: Just don't mess with it, Cartman.\nCartman: [leaves the sofa] Nah, nah, the cable wire must be loose. [heads for the television]\nKyle: Just just leave it alone.\nCartman: Dude, do you wanna see the Terrance & Phillip trailer with messed-up colors? I don't. How's that? [moves the cable, and the vertical goes out of whack]\nStan: That's worse!\nCartman: Okay, how about ... that? [moves it again, and the cathode ray tube pops. The wall behind the TV is blackened, and Cartman slowly peeks]\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: God-dammit Cartman! You broke it!\nCartman: [panicked] It was just... I just... Butters, you asshole!\nStan: Dude, the commercials could start any time!\nCartman: I don't think we're watchin' them on this TV.\nKyle: God-dammit! Come on, we can go watch it at my house!\nStan: Get all the stuff! [they gather the snacks and head for the front door. Cartman opens the door and Butters arrives]\nButters: Hey fellas. I got the tampons. Uh, I didn't miss it, did I?\nStan: We're going to Kyle's house to watch! Come on! [the three boys exit]\nButters: Oh Jeez. [follows]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The boys run towards Kyle's house. Stan leads the way, with Kyle and Butters following.\nButters: Oh boy, uh, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez!\nStan: Hurry! We can't miss the commercials!\nCartman: [gruffly] Bluh! Aah! You guys! Seriously!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, moments later. Ike is watching TV.\nA Voice: [a slow drawl] ...but the Palestinian government uh is not going to see any for future- [the front door opens and the boys run in.]\nStan: Huff, huff\nButters: Huh uh hurry! Hurry! Hurry! [Kyle takes the remore and quickly changes channels, and the Russell Crowe show pops up]\nRussell Crowe: And so here we are in history-rich Ch-ooina.\nKyle: We made it! It hasn't gone to commercials yet. [the boys sit on the sofa. Ike looks at each of them angrily]\nKyle, Stan, Butters: Phew!\nIke: Hey! Imong telling Dat!\nCartman: [arrives breathless] Huh. Ohmigod! Huh.\nIke: Dadadadat!\nKyle: No Ike! They're playing the trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie during the show, and we have to watch it! [Ike drops down and walks away, Cartman sits next to Butters]\nRussell Crowe: [hiding behind a potted shrub which he carries before him. He sets it down and look at the camera] This is Tiananmen Square. Lots of good foightin' has gone on here throughout the years, including a fan-tastic massacre that took place back in '93. [he turns back to the shrub and peers through it. The Chinese are pleasantly involved in conversations. Russell turns back to the camera] These chinamen can grow to over five feet tall, and in a fight, are known to kick with their legs. Let's see if we can get in for a closer look. [picks up the shrub and goes further into the crowd, then peers through the shrub. The Chinese notice him] Oi! [he looks back at the camera] I've gotten close enough now that they're startin' to get real froigh'ened. You can see the fine hairs on the back of their necks standin' on end. [turns to the shrub and jumps through it, grabbing a man's ankles] Gotcha mate! [the victimized man speaks first, then another man answers. Russell's head turns to see who's speaking, then he jumps up to challenge the second man] Ah, you wanna fight, huh?! [challenges the first] Think you could take me, you little buggers?! [punches the first man and the man sails to the ground a few feet away, knocked out cold. Blood pours from his nose. The man he lands in front of decides to fight, and soon Russell Crowe is punching men away left and right. A policeman arrives, and Russell knocks him away, too]\nCartman: God, when is this gonna get to the commercials? [Gerald arrives with Ike]\nGerald: Kyle, Ike says you kicked him off the TV.\nKyle: They're goin' to show the new Terrance & Phillip trailer.\nGerald: You know your brother watches MacNeil/Lehrer Report every night at ten!\nIke: Etetheh bunlapala un night.\nKyle: But Dad, this is all the never-before-seen footage.\nGerald: It doesn't matter! Ten to eleven is Ike's time to watch MacNeil/Lehrer.\nKyle: God-dammit. Come on, guys. We gotta go to Butters' house.\nStan: Aww! [the boys gather their snacks and head for the door]\nCartman: Argh!\nButters: Whoa, wait fellas. [the boys stop] We can't go to my house.\nCartman: We can't go to my house either. It's being fumigated.\nStan: AGH! [thinks hard, then] Wait! Chef just got a new plasma screen TV with surround-sound. Let's go to his house! Come on! [they leave. Ike goes back to the sofa and sits, changing the channel]\nLehrer: ...taking place there all these years is sure to continue until the governments of these regions can actually come about some...\nIke: It's a birdy fly.\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The boys run towards Chef's house. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing.\nCartman: [trailing again] Ey! You guys! I'm seriouslih!\nScene Description: Chef's house, moments later. The boys are at his front door, and Stan knocks.\nKyle: God-dammit! If we miss the commercials, I'll never forgive my brother!\nChef: [answers the door in his nightgown] Oh. Hello there, children.\nThe Boys: [quickly] Hey Chef. [run for his sofa, leaving Chef at the door.]\nChef: Uh, how's it goin'?\nScene Description: Chef's living room. The boys are seated on the sofa, with Stan trying to get the remote control working.\nChef: [arrives] Oh, you wanted to see the new TV, huh? [a new HDTV with side speakers and settop cable box, and a rather large base] Pretty cool, ain't it?\nStan: [impatient] Yeahyeah, how do you change the channels?\nChef: Uh, I don't know. This TV has more features than a space shuttle. [Chef takes the remote and fiddles with it] I can't figure it out at all. [the program pops up immediately]\nRussell Crowe: [in India] -bloomin' Taj Mahal.\nCartman: There, you got it, you got it!\nRussell Crowe: [punching the natives - hits one] Freakin' Indies [hits a second] really put up a [hits a third] fight!\nStan: We made it!\nCartman: Oh, thank God.\nChef: Russell Crowe?? Children, you shouldn't be watching this show about a man who beats people up because he's insecure.\nCartman: We don't give two craps about Russell Crowe, Chef. We just wanna see the trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie, that's supposed to play during the commercials.\nRussell Crowe: [still punching Indians as they approach] Alright everyone, we're gonna take our first commercial break. But be sure not to go anywhere, because there's lot's more people to beat up!\nStan: Here they come!\nKyle: Heuh, the commercials! [some commercials air, but they're not important, as little sound is heard]\nAnnouncer: And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!\nThe boys: [disappointed] Awww!\nButters: Awww, they didn't play it. They didn't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer.\nStan: I knew it. I knew they wouldn't play it during the first commercial break.\nKyle: Yeah, they want everyone to stick around and watch more of this retarded show.\nRussell Crowe: Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world. [cut to Brooklyn, with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. A lot of brownstones here. Russell has brought his schrub with him again. He approaches the camera] Oi! Now Tugger's brought me to one of the greatest places for foightin' in North America. [backs up] Brooklyn, New York. Lots of minorities here, and they don't take kindly to whitey. [points to himself] Let's get a closer look. Come on, Tugger! [picks up his shrub and runs. Tugger hops after him, tooting along. They end up looking at a pickup basketball game in the shadow of some skyscrapers. Russell peers through the shrub, then turns to the camera] Looks like we got some black people, and some Puerto Ricans. [a quick peek] Notice the colorful rags on their heads, meaning they could be part of a gang, and therefore, [makes a fist] real used to fightin'. [peers through the shrub]\nBlack player: Hey, look at that guy over there. Ain't that that Gladiator guy?\nPuerto Rican player: Where?\nBlack player: Behind that plant, next to that tugboat? [Russell peers through, but the shows his face]\nPuerto Rican player: Oh yeah, I think it is.\nRussell Crowe: [in condescending falsetto] Oh my God, it's the Gladiator guy! [heads for the basketball court and puts up his fists] Oh my God, I've never seen an actor before! [moves around for anyone to fight] Why don't you choke on some pig vomit, you stupid sobs!\nChef: Why can't this guy control his temper?\nRussell Crowe: Well?? You all just gonna stand there or are you gonna fight? [knocks down a black player. Another one punches him in the back of the head] Oi! Crikey, you've done it now!\nCartman: This TV is great, Chef.\nChef: Yeah, and it's got all kinds of cool features, too. Check this out. You can watch three channels all at once. I think if you hit this button here- [a menu pops up on a blue screen. He presses more buttons and the default choice changes, but nothing else] No, no wait. You hit this button here [ends up at clock reset function] No, that's not it. Let's see. [presses another button] Menu... [press] Function [screen properties pop up]\nStan: Dude, put it back, Chef. More commercials might come on soon. [looks like Russell is fighting Germans, but the menu windows block the view]\nChef: Let's see. Menu? [screen resolution, manual programming, spectrum density, profiles, audio settings, and so on pop up] Aw, dammit!\nKyle: Get it back to normal, Chef!\nChef: I'm tryin', children! Menu, back, function- [still no success. The blue screen is still there] Enter? No, no. Back? H.E.M?? [selects 'yes']\nThe TV: [transforms itself into a robot] Human eradication mode, active. [it rises from its base, which becomes its feet. The side speakers re-position themselves as guns, and the cable box becomes the eyes. Chef and the boys are stunned by what they just saw. The TV turns to its right and heads for the front door. It breaks through, goes down the steps, and immediately starts firing at everything in sight.]\nStan: Oh God-dammit!\nKyle: The TV left.\nButters: Uh but the next commercials will be on soon.\nStan: Come on, we gotta go somewhere else! [the four get off the sofa and head out the door. A car screeches to a halt, and the TV fires at the driver, forcing the couple inside to flee]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The boys run towards the bar. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing.\nButters: Where do we go? Where do we go?\nStan: The bar! They've got a TV at the bar!\nCartman: Aagh! God-dammit!\nScene Description: The bar. The boys burst through the door and head for the counter. The TV turns on to the Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: [back in Brooklyn, amid the bunch of beat-up basketball players] You fight like Norwegians, ya fairies!\nThe Boys: Phew!\nStan: We made it.\nCartman: [blubbering] This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: These are the Florida Keys, a remote island chain just a few miles from... Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened with that?\nTugger: Mooooot.\nRussell Crowe: It's that God-damned editor! He cut the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm gonna get him!\nScene Description: The editing room, moments later.\nEditor: Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably done around seven. [the door flies open and Russell stomps in there]\nRussell Crowe: [lifts the editor up by the collar] Who the hell do you think you are?!\nEditor: I'm the editor.\nRussell Crowe: I know you're the bloomin' editor! I mean, who do you think you are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes short?!\nEditor: Dude, the director said to cut it.\nRussell Crowe: Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! [drops him, pauses, then delivers three blows to the belly]\nJimbo: Well that guy's just plain nuts.\nBarkeep: [rushes over] Hey hey hey, whoa, you kids can't be in here. [the kids are dumbstruck]\nKyle: We're not kids. We're full-grown men with dwarfism! How dare you assume that all midgets are children! We demand an apology!\nBarkeep: You ain't midgets, your lips are too full. [the boys stay silent] Now GET OUT!!\nStan: But we have to watch the commercials in this show.\nBarkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!\nCartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.\nButters: Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs!\nBarkeep: GET OUT!!! [walks over and turns the TV to a baseball game]\nThe Boys: Aaah!\nStan: [the first to head for the door] Come on, we gotta get to a TV! [the others follow]\nCartman: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. The TV, now a robot, marches through town blasting holes into buildings. Chef follows behind on a cell phone.\nChef: Yes, is this customer service? I'm havin' problems with my new television. It sprouted legs and guns 'n started walkin' around shootin' people. Uh huh. Okay. Ohhh, so I press \"menu,\" then \"function.\" [presses the buttons. The TV shoots at a man locking up a store, making him spill his groceries and fall on his back. The TV stops]\nTownsman: Jesus! [gets up and runs] Waaaah! [the TV moves forward again]\nChef: No, that didn't work. Did I set the internal clock? Uh, no. [listens] Oh, really? Well, how do I do that?\nScene Description: Shady Acres, A Retirement Community. The boys rush in and head for the empty seats in the TV room.\nCartman: Find the remote! Find the remote! Hold it! [once the boys are in place, Stan walks over to the TV and turns it on. \"Puppies From Around The World\" comes on, and Stan quickly changes the channel to the Russell Crowe show]\nKyle: We're not too late! [the boys grin]\nRussell Crowe: Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you lookin' so down?\nTugger: Mooot, mooot.\nRussell Crowe: [whispers to the camera] Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems his girlfriend and him had a bit of a row last night.\nTugger: Mooooot.\nOld Man: [everyone watches silently, then] ...What is this?\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I make you feel better? I know! [grabs a guitar off-screen and prepares to play it.] How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album?\nTugger: [shakes its smokestack with each protest] Nooo! Nooooo!\nRussell Crowe: What's that, Tugger? You say you really love the songs on my album?\nTugger: Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]\nRussell Crowe: Alright then, Tugger. [begins strumming]\nTugger: Noo, no! [shakes its smokestack]\nRussell Crowe: You know that you're my baby. You know I need you now.\nTugger: [tries to escape, but can't, as it's tied to the dock] Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]\nRussell Crowe: I don't know where I'm goin', I gotta get there some, yeah gotta get there, somehow.\nTugger: [returns and tries to rip itself away towards the right with all its might] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]\nRussell Crowe: Gotta get there somehow.\nTugger: [continues to struggle] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]\nRussell Crowe: You can stay away tonight, but I'm gonna sleep here, in my explosive clouds...\nTugger: [returns, then takes out its arms for the first time] NOOOOO! [pulls out some giant earmuffs and places them over the cabin doors. It shakes violently as Russell lunges into a faster rhythm]\nRussell Crowe: SHOUT! Think I feel your heartbeat, can you feel mine... lady lookin' lovely, gotta take your love inside, gotta take it...\nTugger: [struggles fiercely] NOOOOO! NOOOOO! [throws its earmuffs off, reaches for a pistol and places it against its smokestack. Tugger fires the gun, and it falls into the water with a splash. Russell stops singing once he hears the gunshot..]\nRussell Crowe: [spins around] Tugger! [drops to the edge of the dock and looks down at the water. Tugger is on its side leaking oil] Tugger shot himself!\nAnnouncer: [the show logo pops up] Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find out after these messages.\nScene Description: Shady Acres TV room.\nCartman: Here we go!\nStan: Commercial Break Number Two! [the boys are positively giddy with anticipation]\nAnnouncer: And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!\nCartman: That's it? That's all the commercials?\nKyle: They didn't play the Terrance & Phillip trailer again!\nStan: I knew it. They're waiting until the very last commercial break.\nKyle: Ugh! We're gonna end up watching this whole retarded Russell Crowe show!\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show. Russell Crowe is sobbing on a sofa in a hospital hallway.\nRussell Crowe: Tugger! Why'd you do it, Tugger?! [a doctor approaches him] Doctor! Tell me how he is, doctor!\nDoctor: Well, he's a very sick little tugboat.\nScene Description: Shady Acres TV room.\nOld man: What is this? We wanna watch \"Puppies From Around The World.\"\nOld woman: Yeah. We don't like this show.\nCartman: Shh. Okay?! Old people need to be quiet right now!\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: You gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 'E's my best friend! The only friend in the world who would-\nDoctor: He's going to live, but-\nRussell Crowe: [lifts the doctor up by the collar] Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vag-oina! I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy about me feelings for Tugger!\nDoctor: Sorry.\nRussell Crowe: [lets the doctor down and crosses the hall to the opposite wall] Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't be as bright without ya, mate! Give it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger live?! Tell me the truth!\nDoctor: ...Now?\nRussell Crowe: Yes, now's fine.\nDoctor: Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. He just needs an oil change and a new steamstack.\nRussell Crowe: [quickly brightens and approaches the camera] Ooo, de-lolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what that makes me feel like doin'? Foightin'! [turns around and punches the doctor out, then punches a man on crutches out, lifts him up again, and punches him out again.]\nScene Description: Shady Acres TV room.\nOld man: This show is too violent! Put the puppies back on!\nOld folks: Yeah!\nOld woman 2: Please.\nCartman: Shut up! Shut the hell up! We're watching this until the next commercial and that's final, old people!\nOld man 2: All right, that does it! We know how to get our way! Everyone, on the count of three, release your bowels! One! Two! [everyone farts and the boys are astonished.]\nThe boys: [bury their noses in their jackets] Awww!\nCartman: Eewww!\nStan: Oh, God, it's horrible! [the boys leave and exit the community]\nScene Description: Shady Acres entrance.\nKyle: That's disgusting, dude!\nCartman: God, I hate old people!\nStan: We have to go to Butters' or Cartman's house! We have nowhere else to go!\nButters: I told you, we can't go to my house!\nCartman: And my house is being fumigated!\nStan: Well, screw it! We'll watch it in your house even if it is being fumigated!\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The boys rush to Cartman's house.\nButters: Oh boy, we gotta hurry, guys! ...Come on! [Cartman struggles to keep up, blubbering all the while]\nScene Description: Cartman's house and garage, under purple and orange tarps. The boys enter a living room filled with fumigation gas, which makes the room look foggy.\nStan: Turn it on! Turn it on!\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: Crikey! Ol' Tugger looks healthy, happy, and [does a catcall] fit as a whistle!\nScene Description: Cartman's living room.\nKyle: It's okay, it's still the show.\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: But you know, Tugger's attempted suicide made me realize that I should take up a cause. Most great actors take up causes, and I'm the greatest of 'em all! So, from now on I'm gonna spend all my spare time ...fighting cancer. [gets into a fighting stance] Right! Where is that pussy cancer anyway?!\nScene Description: Cartman's living room. the gas is overwhelming them, and they look ready to pass out.\nKyle: Oh, dude, I don't know how long I can take it.\nStan: Me neither. I'll be dead before the commercials. Wait a minute! I forgot there's a black and white television back at my house!\nKyle: Will your sister let us watch it?\nStan: She has to! [leads the boys out of Cartman's house]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The boys rush back to Stan's house.\nStan: Hurry! The commercials will be on any minute!\nButters: Aw! Oh man! Uh, uh uh uh...\nCartman: [trailing the other three] Oh my god, eugh! Oh God! Oh, Jesus help me! [stops] Oh! I lost a doughnut! [turns around and heads back] Oooh! Oh oh! [stops] Oh my God! [turns around and tries to catch up with the others] Leave no doughnut behind!\nScene Description: Stan's house. The boys reach the front door.\nButters: Oh Jesus! Wait.\nStan: What?\nButters: I never gave Shelly her tampons. She's been this whole time without them. [the boys are scared now. Slowly, Stan reaches up for the knob and turns it. The door flies open and a torrent of blood gushes through the door, flooding the boys back into the street.]\nThe boys: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh. [Kyle shakes the blood off, Stan looks up and then at the front door, Butters sits up. A trail of blood is left from the interior of the house to the street, and Shelly looks out from her window]\nShelly: I told you I needed tampons, tuurrddsss!\nKyle: Look! Crack addicts with a television! [two men and a woman are shown watching a small TV on a box near some buildings. The boys walk up to them and watch the TV as well]\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show. Russell is in a hospital room with Tugger.\nRussell Crowe: Well, we couldn't find cancer, but we found a man with cancer. [he walks off and pulls in an old frail man with cancer, then delivers a blow] Take that, cancer! And that! [punches the old man again]\nTugger: Mooot Mooot! [Russell punches the old man behind the head and sends him to the floor]\nStan: The last commercial break has to be coming any second! [two phaser blasts are seen. One kills the bearded crack addict, another knocks a trash can over. Chef's TV appears and the two remaining addicts and the boys scream]\nAll: AAAAA! [quickly move away. Chef's TV delivers a double blast to the small TV and destroys it, then moves off to its left.]\nChef: [still following the TV and talking to customer service] ...Yes, I pressed \"menu\" three times! [listens] No! It's givin' me the same error message! [listens] Yes I read the instruction manual!\nScene Description: Luau's Toys, moments later. The boys run by.\nThe boys: [stopping] Where do we go?!\nKyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??\nStan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house??\nButters: I'm sure! There's no way!\nKyle: Well why not?!\nButters: Uh because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.\nCartman: [glares at Butters and slowly gets angry] Oh, God-dammit you better be kidding!\nButters: No! I really don't have a babysitter. That's why I'm stayin' at Stan's.\nKyle: This whole time your TV is in a house with nobody in it?!\nStan: Come on, let's just go! We'll kill Butters later! [they run off]\nScene Description: Butters' house, minutes later. The boys burst through the front door.\nThe boys: AAAAA!!\nCartman: The time has come! Turn it on, turn it on! [Stan is the first to reach the remote control, so he takes it and turn on the TV]\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show.\nRussell Crowe: And so we'll be right back, after these commercials.\nStan: We made it! [grins]\nKyle: The last commercial break is starting!\nAnnouncer: [the show logo appears] Don't go anywhere. Russell Crowe will be right back after a few more commercials. [the grins slowly fade to disappointment]\nCartman: These commercials are all so God-damn stupid!\nStan: Jesus Christ, how long is this commercial break gonna be??\nKyle: What if they don't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer at all? What if we went through all of this for nothing?\nButters: They have to show it! They promised they would!\nCartman: You guys, calm down. This is what TV shows always do. They make the last commercial break the longest.\nKyle: That's bull-crap! TV shows are gay!\nStan: Wait a minute! Look! [points and reads from the TV] \"The following preview has...\" This is it! This is it!\nScene Description: The Terrance & Phillip trailer.\nAnnouncer: [Terrance & Phillip stand back to back. The camera starts with their legs and pans up] Coming this summer! The greatest Canadian duo of all time is back.\nScene Description: Action music plays as the following words come flying at the viewer from the TV screen: \"THIS... SUMMER... TERRANCE... AND... PHILLIP... WILL... BLOW... YOU... AWAY... AND... WORDS... WILL... FLY... AT... YOU.. VERY. FAST\" The music stops and Terrance & Phillip appear dressed as cowboys. Terrance farts, Phillip laughs, then \"ASSES OF FIRE\" appears with flames behind the words, then a large \"2\" lands next to the E in FIRE. It is set to come out June 21, 2002. It is rated R. It ends, and the boys take time to absorb it all.\nCartman: [tosses his popcorn into the air] Woohoo!!! [the popcrn showers all the boys as they begin to move around happily]\nStan, Kyle, Butters: Yeeeeesss! [begins dancing]\nStan: That looks AWEsome! [Cartman goes to the phone and starting dialing a number]\nKyle: They were wearing cowboy hats! [to Stan] Did you see?? [to Butters] Did you see?? [Butters stops dancing]\nCartman: [on the phone] Clyde, Clyde? Did you see it? [Stan jumps up on the sofa alongside Cartman] Yeah, we- Whoa, we think it's gonna be good, too.\nButters: Oh, I'm so glad we didn't miss it! [picks up some popcorn and toses it up into the air]\nCartman: You guys, Clyde said he taped it and kids can come over now to see.\nStan: Oh, dude, let's go!\nButters: Yeah. [the kids head for the front door]\nKyle: It looks even better than their first movie, huh?\nCartman: Yeah, it sure does!\nStan: I wonder if it's all a western?\nButters: How far away is June?\nScene Description: The Russell Crowe show, sunset. The sun is about to drop over the horizon behind Russell and Tugger.\nRussell Crowe: Well, we sure had a good time today, didn't we, kids? We fought some Chinamen, a few peckers, and a lot of Colombians, to name just a few. But I sure am glad we got ol' Wally B. back. Aren't you? [a wallaby hops into view]\nWally B.: I'm glad to be back, Russey! [a woman and girl walk by, but stop and look]\nA girl: Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe!\nRussell Crowe: [in the condescending falsetto] Oh my God it's Russell Crowe! Oh my bluh blah bluh!! [gets into his fighting stance] Why don't you go flush yourself down a toilet, you cu- [the girl's mother picks her up and hurries away]\nTugger: Mooo-oooo.\nRussell Crowe: [puts his hand to his ear and gasps] Uh-oh, Tugger's whistle. You know what that means! [the wallaby hops to the boat as Russell backs away from the camera. He begins to sing as Wally B. turns around...] Tugger's whistle's blowin' Means we must be goin' No more Russell Crowein' for you. [does some boxing moves and then hops into the boat] But now don't you start to whine I'll see ya again next time. 'Cause there's plenty a-more a-fightin' left to do. [Wally B. hops closer, and finally into Russell's arms. Next shot, a departing Tugger, headed for the sunset. Russell appears and sings the signature line, slowing with every word] Makin' movies, makin' songs, an' fightin' round the world. See you next time, everybody! [waves to the camera]\nScene Description: South Park, night. Chef's TV is still walking around, but this time away from town. It's showing the Russell Crowe show. Chef is still trying to shut it down.\nChef: So I'm supposed to press \"menu,\" then \"function,\" then \"enter.\""}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's room, day. Cartman and Kyle stand inside watching Stan, who is peeking out the door, waiting for someone.\nStan: [turns to the boys] Okay, here he comes. [join Cartman and Kyle]\nKyle: Who wants to tell him?\nCartman: I'll do it.\nButters: [joining the three] Hehey, fellas. I'm glad you called me. There was a pie-eating contest down at the firehouse, and I thought we should all go.\nCartman: Butters, could you take a seat, please?\nButters: Wuh well, sure. [They all go before Cartman's desk. Cartman takes a seat behind the desk. Stan helps Butters to his seat, then takes a place at Cartman's right side Kyle is on Cartman's left.]\nCartman: Butters, we have to have a very difficult conversation.\nButters: Wull what is it?\nCartman: Well, in the, in the months since our friend Kenny died, you've really stepped up as a friend and \"filled the gap,\" so to speak. [wiggles the index and middle fingers of each hand as a quote gesture]\nButters: Well uh, it's my pleasure! I love bein' you guys' new friend.\nCartman: Yes. Well, Butters, it's just not working out.\nButters: Not working out?\nCartman: I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go, as our friend. You're just tooo...\nKyle: Lame.\nCartman: Lame, yes.\nButters: Well, but ah I can get better.\nStan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.\nKyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work and attempts at being our friend, lame as they were.\nButters: Huh but ah I thought we were gettin' along... great. Heh ah I thought we were really havin' fun together.\nCartman: Yes, well, we weren't.\nButters: Please, fellas, uh don't fire me.\nKyle: We're sorry, Butters. [Cartman leaves his chair and approaches Butters] Our mind is made up.\nCartman: [shakes Butters' left hand] But we certainly wanna thank you for coming by. [points to the door] You know the way out, right? [Butters look at the other two boys, who each returns a somber look. He gets off the chair, looks once more, then walks away dejectedly]\nKyle: Phew.\nStan, Cartman: Phew.\nKyle: Hm, he took that pretty well, I think.\nCartman: Who cares?\nStan: All right, so let's get started on who's gonna be the new person to take Kenny's place.\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. A thunderstorm hovers over the neighborhood. Inside Butters' room a hamster set is seen, and beyond, Butters standing on his bed, looking out his window. He has an angry expression on his face.\nButters: [angrily] The world isn't fair. I do everything people ask me to. I stand in the lunch line for them, I buy tampons at the store for them, I go on Maury Povich with balls on my chin for them. [turns around and sits on his bed, wistfully] And yet, nobody accepts me. I am an outcast. A shadow of a man who can find no companion... ship. No love from others. [the shadow on the wall turns into that of an old humpbacked man] Fine! [hops off the bed determined to do something about it] If I am to be an outcast, so be it! [walks towards the camera] I'm through doin' what others tell me to do, and I am sick of this world and the stin-, and the stinky people in it! [moves to his left] From now on I will dedicate my life to bringing chaos to the world that has rejected me! [an image of a nuclear blast going off as people run from it] I will become the greatest supervillain [people run as danger comes from the sky] the world has ever seen! [a tsunami takes over a harbor town as a woman and baby flee it] Where I go, destruction will follow! [exults at his new destiny, raising arms and face towards heaven as lightning strikes. A shot of the exterior with more lightning]\nScene Description: Butters goes about making a suit for himself. He begins with a sheet of aluminum foil and shapes it around a styrofoam head to make a helmet. He pulls out a shirt from the closet and makes it a cape using a sewing machine. Pretty soon, he's finished - he's dressed as something of a knight.\nButters: Prepare, O little town! Uh prepare for the greatest supervillain you've ever seen! Professor Chaos! [grins devilishly]\nLinda: [knocking on Butters' door] Butters, time for bed.\nButters: Hu-uh, okay Mom. [waits a few moments, then gets that devilish look again.] Yes. Uh sleet sleep for now. [turns and faces the camera out side once more] Tomorrow, the chaos begins. [begins to laugh softly, then harder, than more maniacally, then in full maniacal laughter]\nScene Description: South Park, morning. A small stage is shown in Cartman's backyard, with a camera off to the side. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up on stage and look out over the backyard.\nCartman: [takes the mic] All right, we wanna thank everybody for coming. This is a great turnout. [camera pans across the seated kids, then back to Cartman] Uh, as you know, our friend Kenny died a few months ago and we are still looking to fill the void with a new friend. Now, you've all been selected as possible candidates, but unfortunately, there is only room for one of you. So Stan and Kyle and I will be spending the next few days going out with each one of you and narrowing our choices down. Until we think we've found the perfect friend. Are there any questions?\nClyde: [after a moment of silence] ...What if we don't want to be your friend?\nCartman: Clyde... [mouths something]... okay. Now, the first thing we have to do is cut the list down from twenty choices to ten. And so today we will all be going to the amusement park together to see who we want to cut. Please keep in mind that this will all be videotaped, so put on your best friend faces, and may the best friend win. Oh, and we will be needing a ten dollar per person entrance fee.\nScene Description: South Park, later. The camera looks at the end of Main Street, and Butters comes over a bump on the street. He heads towards the camera right in the middle of the street as the adults around him talk or window-shop. He walks on, and a Bennigan's appears to his left. He turns to look at it, then runs through the front doors. He stops just inside. The diners go about eating and chatting. A waitress serves a table.\nBennigan's chef: Order twenty-three is up, and uh, order twenty-four is up. [presses down on a bell twice.]\nScene Description: Butters sees the dishes and walks up to them. He stares at them for a few seconds, then switches them, grinning evilly. He then drops down quickly as a waitress comes for the dishes. She delivers them to the two diners who ordered them.\nMan 1: Uh, waitress, a-a-actually, I ordered the chicken soup. This is minestrone.\nMan 2: Yeah, I had the minestrone over here. [Butters laughs at his own cleverness. The diners look at him]\nButters: I am Professor Chaos, and now, this puny world uh will bow down to me! [cackles once again and runs out of the restaurant. The diners resume their eating after a few seconds.]\nScene Description: Montage 1 - A Day At The Amusement Park.\nStan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] So today we went to the amusement park with all our possible friends. [cut to Stan seated on a green sofa under a spotlight] It was a really fun time. We rode all the rides and everyone got along great.\nCartman: [on a blue sofa] I think the person that stood out most at the amusement park was Jimmy. [cut to Jimmy entertaining Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, Clyde, and Craig]\nJimmy: [cut to Jimmy on a dark green sofa] Well, the, the reason I think I would make the perfect foreh- friend, is that I love telling jokes. You know, who doesn't like to laugh?\nKyle: [seated on a cyan sofa] Tweek. Now there's an interesting choice. Tweek has a lot of qualities that I look for in a friend.\nTweek: [sipping coffee, shaking violently] What if they don't pick me? What if they get us all, man! I mean, Christ! If they can get to the Pentagon, then they can get to us all, man! Aaaa!\nDogPoo Petuski: [a shot of the kids on the mine track ride, DogPoo in front with Cartman. Cut to the dirty boy who resembles Pigpen seated on a red sofa] I think I deserve to take Kenny's place the most, because, I've been hanging around these guys for like five years and I never get to say or do anything.\nCartman: ...Yeah, I've only seen that kid in class, but he never does anything. He's more like a prop. [takes a sip of ZOOP soda]\nKyle: [a shot of Kyle, Cartman, Tweek, and Towelie in a spinning teacup] Towelie is a tough choice because, [cut to Kyle talking] even though I can see how always having a towel around can come in handy, he's just always so high.\nTowelie: [17 in towel years] Man, I really hope I win, because... wait... what is this again? I have no idea what's goin' on.\nCartman: We decided to get some one-on-one time with Jimmy and ride the log ride. [cut to the log ride] The great thing was that, because Jimmy's crippled, we got to go to the front of the line. [the boys are escorted to the first car, cut back to Cartman] That was definitely big points for Jimmy, you know, but, but then we got to the ride itself, and...\nJimmy: [back at the ride. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman climb into the log] Hey, I-I'm gonna need some help getting in the log, fellas.\nRide operator: O! Shut her down. Someone needs assistance.\nCartman: [the boys look at Jimmy] Oh, really? [turns to his note pad] That's gonna cost some points. [writes down some numbers as Jimmy is helped into the log.]\nKyle: [on the sofa] But right now I'd say if we're gonna have a retard for a friend, I, I have to pick Timmy. Because Timmy doesn't tell lame jokes.\nJimmy: [cut to log ride. The boys are about to slide down the track] Boy, isn't this great fellas? Are we great pals or what?\nStan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] One thing for sure: picking our new friend isn't gonna be easy.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Butters is still dressed as Professor Chaos, still walking down the street. A dog walks across the street and Butters stops next to it.\nButters: Kneel. Kneel before Professor Chaos! [the dog slowly kneels and Butters walks off cackling at his success]\nScene Description: Butters' house, later. He makes it to his room and locks the door. He cackles again.\nButters: Ah, the look on their faces when they got the wrong soup. I love bringing chaos! [walks up to his dresser drawer and messes up some shirts in there, then closes the drawer and laughs] And that's only the beginning! [laughs evilly]\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. All the kids are seated as they were yesterday. A box of roses sits on stage.\nCartman: All right, everyone. It was a tough decision, but based on our time with you all at the amusement park, we have whittled our choices down to ten. [Kyle goes off to get the box of roses] If you receive a rose, please stay. If you don't, get the fudge out. [Kyle returns with the roses and sets them down] Kyle, will you announce the people we want to stay?\nKyle: [holds up a rose for every kid he calls] Token. [Token approaches, gets his rose and goes back to his seat] Clyde. [Clyde goes for his rose] Craig. [Craig goes for his rose] Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmih! [goes for his rose]\nTweek: Oh man! This is too much pressure!\nKyle: Pip. [Pip smiles and goes for his rose] Jimmy. [Jimmy goes for his rose] Jason. [a new boy with high forehead, goes for his rose] Towelie. [Towelie goes for his rose] Luigi. [Luigi goes for his rose].\nCartman: Just one more rose left, Kyle. Who does it go to?\nKyle: Tweek.\nTweek: Aaarr! [goes for his rose]\nCartman: All right, the rest of you, thanks for coming. Get the fudge out! [the others moan and leave their seats]\nDogPoo: [incredulous] I didn't make the cut?? Oh God, I didn't make the cut??\nDougie: I didn't even get a chance to have them get to know me!\nStan: All right, congratulations to those of you selected to stay. In the end, one of you will be the new Kenny. [the camera pans over the remaining candidates] Good luck.\nScene Description: South Park, morning. Butters' house, kitchen. Linda is preparing some breakfast and Butters comes in confidently.\nLinda: Good morning, Butters.\nButters: [takes a a seat at the table] It certainly is, Mother. Did ya hear about what's been goin' on? Some horrible new supervillain made somebody get the wrong soup order at Bennigan's.\nLinda: No, [Butters blanches] I didn't hear about that.\nButters: Yeh, you didn't? [leaves his seat and walks to the living room]\nScene Description: Butters' house, living room. Butters walks up to Chris, who is on the sofa reading the newspaper.\nButters: Uh Dad, can I uh can I see the newspaper real quick?\nStephen: [lowers the newspaper] Why sure, Butters. I was just about to get some breakfast. [hands the paper to Butters, who sets it down on the floor and looks for headlines. The front page doesn't offer anything he's looking for, so he turns the page.]\nButters: [getting mad] Nothing. [turns the next page] Nothing! [closes the paper and stands up] It's the liberal media! They're keeping the stories of my deeds covered up, so as not to cause a panic. Well, I guess it's time to step it up a notch! [makes two fists signaling his stepped-up efforts]\nScene Description: The bus stop, later. Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand with Craig. Scene music plays.\nStan: Okay, next? [signals for Craig to leave. Craig walks away and Token comes in to take his place. Scene music plays. A few moments for the boys to get a feel for Token]\nKyle: This looks pretty good.\nStan: Yeah, it's not bad. Next? [Signals for Token to leave. Token walks away and Timmy rides in to take his place. Scene music plays.]\nTimmy: Timmay!\nCartman: Next?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Most of the class is present. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand at the front of the class. On the chalkboard is the times table for 4.\nCartman: Okay, so now we're gonna see how you all work as a friend during classtime. Your performances will be judged primarily on how you help us cheat and give us answers. So good luck, everybody.\nMs. Choksondik: [entering] Sit down, boys.\nCartman: Alrighty then. [the boys take their seats]\nMs. Choksondik: All right, children, before we get started, has anybody seen the eraser for the chalkboard? [a shot of the class, then of Butters. A sneer comes to his face as he laughs to himself. The room darkens around him and a shadow appears on the lower part of his face] It probably got knocked on the floor somewhere. Can you all just please look around your desks for it? [the kids drop from their seats and look around. The sneer is back on Butters' face and the shadow returns]\nButters: [thinking] Yes. Look around for your precious eraser. You won't find it. That eraser's in my back yard, buried three feet below the surface of the earth. [a shot of Butters using a shovel to bury the eraser] And do you even suspect me?? No! Now we shall all see how you all like your dear chalkboard without an eraser. [Butters' desk moves around so the camera can see the kids looking for the eraser] And information, it just keeps pilin' up and pilin' up, until your minuscule brains can take it no longer! [the times table floats behind Butters and gets all jumbled up as he speaks, finally ending in a kid whose brains blow out of his head]\nMs. Choksondik: No? Oh, oh well. Never mind. I've got a backup one in the desk. [opens a drawer, takes out an eraser and erases the times table on the board] Okay, today children, we're gonna learn about multiplying times five.\nButters: [thwarted, begins to think again. The people around him take on their picture-negative counterparts] So! You all think that you can outsmart Professor Chaos, do you?!\nMs. Choksondik: Now, whenever we multiply a number times five, the result is going to end in a zero or a five.\nButters: Ms. Choksondik?\nMs. Choksondik: [turns around] What is it, Butters?\nButters: Ah, I need to go to the bathroom. R-really bad.\nMs. Choksondik: Oh alright Butters. Take the bathroom pass and go. [Butters gets off his seat and heads for the door. He takes the pass from the pegboard] Okay, so for instance, children-\nButters: [opens the door, then looks back] Alright. I'm goin' to the bathroom now. If anybody needs me, ah that's where I'll be.\nMs. Choksondik: Just go, Butters. [Butters smiles and leaves] Okay, so for instance, five times one is... what, Eric?\nCartman: Uh, what's the question again?\nMs. Choksondik: [holds out the five fingers on her right hand] Five... times... [holds out the index finger on her left hand] one.\nCartman: Five times one is of course...\nThe class: [minus Cartman, Stan, and Kyle] Five.\nCartman: Five. [the door opens and Professor Chaos appears]\nButters: [enters cackling] The time for fun and games is over, feeble-minded fools! [approaches Ms. Choksondik]\nMs. Choksondik: Who are you?\nButters: I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of destruction and maker of doom! Those who do not know me yet shall know me very soon, for the hour of Chaos ih-is at hand! [turns, takes the other eraser, and walks out cackling, closing the door. The class just looks at the door]\nMs. Choksondik: Hey! That kid took my last eraser! [heads for the door] Come back here, kid! [as she reaches the door, it opens and Butters enters]\nButters: Oh! Ah, I'm back from the bathroom. Ah I really let one go in there.\nMs. Choksondik: Butters, did you see another little kid run out of here?\nButters: Why yes, I did. But he pushed me down and I scraped my elbow. [raises his right elbow] Go on and look at it. It's scraped. Look. [as Ms. Choksondik looks at the elbow, the shadow and sneer return to Butters' face. He begins to think] Yeesss. Go on and see the red mark on my elbow, the red mark I made myself to throw you off Professor Chaos's trail.\nMs. Choksondik: It looks fine, Butters. [rises and addresses the class] Okay, hold on and stay here, children. [leaves the classroom. Butters sneers again]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Recess. The kids are at play. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Craig are standing together.\nKyle: You're such a fatass, Cartman!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! Well, you're a stupid Jew!\nStan: Shut up, fatass! [silence. They look at Craig and the anger fades from their faces as they wait for him to respond]\nCraig: Oh, aaaah, well you guys are dumb.\nCartman: [escorts Craig away] Okay, Craig, interesting choice. Powerful stuff there, Craig. Thank you very much. [Craig leaves]\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. Butters is at his desk working with his hamster set.\nButters: It is almost ...complete. The creation of my minions who will assist me in bringing terror to the world. [puts glue on some aluminum, puts the aluminum on a hamster] There we go. [the hamsters will be armored, as he is. He places the hamster back in the cage] Ye-ess, my minions of, of chaos. [the hamsters begin to make noise] Shhh. Night now, night now my lovelies. Your time to bring dest-struction will come very soon. [the door opens and Butters quickly throws a blanket over his hamster cage] Aaahhh!\nLinda: [Linda walks in and towards his desk] Butters, a note for you was left on the front door.\nButters: A note?\nLinda: Here you go. [gives it to him and walks out] And wash your hands after you touch those hamsters - you'll get AIDS. [exits and closes the door]\nButters: Okay, Mom. [takes a look at the envelope, spins around in his chair, and opens the envelope. He reads the letter within: \"I know who you are. The South Park Docks. 7:30. Tonight\"] So. Someone has discovered my horrible secret. This could be a trap set by the FBI. Oh, I'll be at the docks, precious FBI! But it is I who'll have the trap set for you! Come, my minions! [pulls off the blanket] We haven't much time!\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, night. Stan, Kyle and Cartman are on stage for the next round of elimination.\nCartman: All right, everyone, the time has come for us to narrow the list down from ten to six. But first, let us just say that the people who we didn't pick were only not picked because they totally sucked balls. Kyle?\nPip: They're not going to pick me. I just know they're not.\nTweek: O-oh Jesus! Aaah I can't take it!\nKyle: [as before, holds up a rose for every name] Token.\nToken: All right! [goes for his rose]\nKyle: Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmay! [goes for his rose]\nKyle: Tweek. [Tweek goes for his rose] Pip.\nPip: Really? I don't believe it. [goes for his rose]\nKyle: Towelie.\nTowelie: What?\nCartman: Just one more rose, Kyle.\nKyle: Jimmy.\nJimmy: Oh boy! Oh thank God! [goes for his rose]\nCartman: All right, those with roses will move on to the swimsuit and talent competition. The rest of you, get the fudge out! [Craig, Clyde, Jason, and Luigi leave]\nClyde: [turns and looks at Cartman] This whole thing is stupid! You don't pick people you wanna be with by making it into a game!\nCartman: Ooooooo, somebody's a sore loser! Clyde, I believe I said, \"get the fudge out!\" Which means, kiss mah fudgin' ass, go fudge yourself, fudge ya, get the fudge out, Clyde!\nScene Description: South Park docks, night. Under a red moon, Butters sneaks along the docks, making sure no one sees him. He creeps from box to box and peeks out from behind one. Another face peeks out from behind a box at the other end of the docks. This face is younger, with glasses.\nDougie: [steps out] Hey Butters.\nButters: [drops his guard and steps out] Oh, hey Dougie. [gets into character] Oh I mean, my name is Professor Chaos.\nDougie: I saw you change in the school bathroom. You stole that eraser in your class.\nButters: Very well. You called out Professor Chaos, and you also called out, eh your own demise! [pulls out two hamsters from his pockets and sets them down] Go now, my minions. Go and take this, this foolish mortal down! [the hamsters head back towards shore] Aw minions, naw, not that way. He- [turns to see them leave] come back minions.\nDougie: I'm, not trying to call you out, Professor Chaos. I want to join you.\nButters: Join me?\nDougie: Yeah I want to join you in your conquest of destruction.\nButters: But why?\nDougie: [approaching] I'm an outcast, too. A frail child cast aside by society. I want to follow you and... whatever you're doing.\nButters: Uh very well. You shall be my accomplice in evil. Together, we shall bring the world to its knees! A-and make all those who banished us from society run... red.\nDougie: Do I get a neato costume made out of aluminum foil, too?\nButters: Well sure you do. Ah I am professor, and you shall be my general. From now on you are General... Disarray.\nDougie: General Disarray.\nButters: Now let us go look for my minions! [softly] They ran away here, now to find 'em... [the new villainous duo search the docks for the hamsters]\nScene Description: Montage 2 - The Swimsuit And Talent Competition. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the chairs in the audience. The six remaining candidates are on stage.\nCartman: [a shot of him on a sofa] The swimsuit competition really gave us a fresh look at some of the candidates. [a shot of the three boys making comments during judging. Cartman takes notes]\nJimmy: [on a sofa] Well, I don't think I did too well in the... bathing suit competition. But I can't wait for the talent show competition. That'll really be my chance to... shine. [cut to Cartman's house den for the competition. Jimmy's doing his comedy routine] Wow, what a terrific audience. So anyway, a guy walks into a buh- ...A guy walks into a b- ...buh... [a shot of the three boys getting bored] A guy walks into a guy walks into a [goes into a sing-song mode] babuh ba-a-a, uh- [next, Towelie playing an electric guitar - \"Stairway To Heaven\" - but messes up]\nTowelie: Okay wait... [starts over, but messes up. The boys are bored again] No, no wait. [tries again]\nCartman: Next please.\nToken: [takes the mic] Well, what am I supposed to do?\nKyle: Anything that'll impress us, Token.\nCartman: If you were our friend, how would you keep us entertained?\nToken: Aaaah. Oh, I know. [takes his shirt and ties it into a knot between his breasts, then begins to shake his butt, giving the impression of a hula girl]\nCartman: Very nice. [takes notes]\nStan: I like it. [takes notes]\nKyle: [back to recap] Well Token was a definite winner of the talent show. But then we decided to take everyone to a baseball game, to see how we got along there.\nScene Description: Coors Field in Denver. The game is underway. A shot of the field.\nAnnouncer: There goes a hit to left field, and Foley's going to score.\nScene Description: The bleachers. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Pip sit and watch the game.\nAll: Woohoo!\nKyle: Yeah! Isn't this great?!\nVendor: [making his way down the steps] Drinks! Get your drinks here.\nPip: Eho! Yes. Can I have some tea, please?\nCartman: You don't drink tea at a baseball game, you French piece of crap!\nPip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.\nCartman: All right, that does it! Pip, get the fudge out! Next! [Pip leaves his seat and Token comes in]\nStan: Okay, let's try this. [a shot of the field. The Jumbotron at center field loses focus and glimpses of Professor Chaos are seen]\nCartman: Hey, what's wrong with the Jumbotron?\nButters: People of Earth! Your meaningless lives are about to end! I am Professor Chaos, [Dougie comes into view] and this is my partner ih-in evil, General Disarray! In the past few days I have rained terror down upon the society that shunned me! And now it is time for my final Labor of Loathing! I am going to... flood... the world!\nMan 3: Flood the world?\nMan 4: My God!\nWoman: [grabs onto someone] I don't wanna die, [screams] I DON'T WANNA DIE!\nButters: Oh yes. Every living creature and every sacred building will soon be under leagues and leagues of cold and dark water. And there is nothing you can do to stop me! General Disarray, begin the flooding of Earth! [Dougie goes to the faucet by the porch and turns it on, then brings the hose to Butters. Butters addresses the world] You brought this upon yourselves! You made the outcasts of the world! Now watch! Watch as your precious planet drowns! Watch! [points at the pool of water now forming on the ground. The crowd watches in silence]\nMan 5: Dear Christ, who will save us?\nMan 6: We have very little time to live. How, how shall we spend our last hours on earth? [the crowd stops and reflects...]\nFans: Yeah! All right! [everyone takes off their clothes and celebrates in their underwear]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters and Dougie are in the back yard watching their puddle grow and grow.\nButters: Our reign of terror is complete! Our tur- turmoil has now come full circle! [the two of them watch the hose yield its water, seemingly slowly] Hey, is the hose on full, General Disarray? [Dougie goes to look, then returns]\nDougie: It's on all the way.\nButters: Oh. Alright then. Nothing to do now but watch the world die! [cackles and dances around, then resumes watching the puddle grow. Day fades to night] Boy, this sure is takin' a long time.\nScene Description: Stan's house, dining room. The three boys sit at the table with pictures of the six candidates. They discuss their findings.\nStan: Okay, so how do we all feel about Towelie as our new friend? [holds up Towelie's picture]\nCartman: I think Towelie is awesome.\nKyle: Towelie is cool, but he gets stoned all the time. You can't really rely on him for anything.\nStan: [weary] Oh, this is giving me a headache.\nKyle: Eh now, [pounds the table with his fist] come on, you guys, we can't take this decision lightly. Whoever we pick is going to be the person we do everything with from now on.\nStan: [acquiescing] You're right. Well now, how about Timmy? [holds up Timmy's picture] He's quiet and he takes direction well. Really the perfect friend.\nCartman: Yeah, but Timmy can be really self-centered.\nStan: How about Token? [holds up Token's picture]\nCartman: Token's a smartass.\nKyle: So? You're a smartass!\nCartman: Yeah. Do we really need another one?\nKyle: Good point. [Stan sets the picture down. A door opens]\nJimmy: [approaches the table] Hey fellas. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by to s-gif- gift basket.\nCartman: [disgusted] Oh, thanks Jimmy.\nJimmy: There's some chocolates and lih-liquorice, and some games and peh- pencils inside.\nStan: That's great.\nKyle: Cool.\nJimmy: Yeah well, I guess I'll be seeing you, you friends later. [leaves]\nCartman: Alright Jimmy, see ya. [the door closes]\nStan: Suckup.\nScene Description: Butters' house, next day, backyard. The pool has covered much of the yard. General Disarray jumps in the water as Professor Chaos looks on passively on the porch.\nButters: Not long now, General Disarray, and... our horrible plan will be complete.\nDougie: Hey, do you think maybe we should build a boat? You know, like a little raft or something, so that when the world floods you and me and the minions can live?\nButters: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought o' that. That's a pretty good idea. I'll go get a hammer. [the sound of vehicles screeching to a stop outside the yard] Hey, who is that? [on the street, two Water Department vans come to a stop. Four men, two from each van, step out and get their tools. They enter the yard and approach the hose]\nWorker 1: Is this it?\nWorker 2: Yeah, two thirteen, that's the one. [Worker 1 proceeds to close the faucet]\nButters: Heeyyy, what are you doin'? [Worker 1 finishes and the workers leave, climb into their vans, and drive off. Professor Chaos and General Disarray look on in sad disbelief. Suddenly, Butters flares up] Aaaah! You may have won this time! But I will be back!\nDougie: What do we do now?\nButters: [softly, pensive] Well I had another idea of how to kill the world, but I thought it was... almost too horrible to e- to even speak of, but- [with anger growing] but now they have left me with no other choice!\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are on stage while the candidates sit in the audience. Pip is missing.\nCartman: Well, this is it. We have made our final decision and one of you is who we will be spending our childhood with, as our new friend. [the camera pans across the audience, showing the candidates close-up]\nJimmy: Oh puh please. Oh, Oh God... please. [Timmy just grins. Kyle draws the last rose from the box.]\nCartman: Four friends, just one rose. The moment of truth is here. Kyle? Who does the rose go to? [another shot of the candidates]\nScene Description: A hilltop, later. Butters reaches the top of a hill carrying a box, with a red sky above him. He sets the box down.\nButters: This is it, General Disarray. My final solution. [cut to a view of the town from said hill. ]\nDougie: [catches up] What evil plot do you have this time, Professor Chaos?\nButters: Simple, my dear general. We are going to tear down the Earth's precious atmosphere! Oh yes! My latest plan will melt the polar ice caps, a-and burn all the world with the, with the... hu- sun's harmful rays! [reaches into the box and withdraws a spray can] Say goodbye to your... precious ozone and hello to chaos! [begins spraying away. The can empties without discernible effect, and Butters tosses it down] Okay, hand me another one, General Disarray. [Dougie reaches in the box and takes out three cans. He gives one to Butters and keeps the other two. Butters quickly opens the can and sprays away, cackling all the while. Dougie opens his two cans and begins spraying as well, cackling along with Butters. The camera begins to zoom out]\nAnnouncer: Will Professor Chaos's latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of Earth? [a shot of Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and the fourth boy under a blanket, all in Stan's living room] And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny? [six adults are then shown: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, Ms. Choksondik, and Mayor McDaniels] And which of these six South Park residents was killed, and will never be seen again? [a question mark appears on screen] The answer to those questions will be answered... right now. [A final shot of Butters and Dougie with ten spent cans and three in use] No. [Stan's living room: the blanket comes off the fourth boy] Tweek. [on the street, in front of a house: Ms. Choksondik is on a gurney as paramedics cover her body with a blanket] Ms. Choksondik."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan and Kyle are happily preparing a snowman, which now has twigs, buttons, a hat and scarf. Tweek stands behind Stan holding a carrot.\nStan: Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek. [Tweek moves forward, but then backs up. Stan rises and turns to Tweek]\nTweek: I can't. [presents the carrot] You do it.\nKyle: Just stick it on.\nTweek: But what if I put it in the wrong place?\nStan: Just put it between its eyes.\nTweek: GARH. But what if, while I'm putting on the nose, the snowman comes to life and tries to kill me?\nStan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?\nKyle: Yeah.\nButters: [happens by and waves] Hey, fellas.\nStan: [flatly] Oh, hey Butters.\nButters: How are things... going with your new best friend?\nKyle: [walks up to Tweek] Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly no Kenny! [takes the carrot from Tweek's hand]\nTweek: Arrrr!\nStan: Yeah, but he's still better than you, Butters.\nKyle: Yeah.\nButters: Well ah, that's good. Good luck being their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll do better than me. Well, see ya fellas. [takes his leave, screen left. Stan and Kyle resume work on the snowman]\nTweek: Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure! [Kyle puts the carrot in place]\nCartman: [off screen. Stan and Kyle look] You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! [excited, he rushes up and stands between then, holding an ad]\nStan: Uh oh.\nCartman: Everything's gonna be okay, you guys! Life isn't so crappy after all!\nTweek: It's not?\nCartman: No! I was looking in this magazine, and I found an ad for little ocean creatures that you can buy and raise in your room!\nKyle: No way.\nCartman: Look! [the boys draw close. The ad is shown] Sea people. You keep them under a big tank of water and they like, build castles and play basketball and stuff.\nKyle: Nuh uh.\nCartman: Yeah! And look! They ride around on turtles and they play games with fish.\nKyle: No way.\nCartman: [shows irritation] Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want everyone to call you Negative Nancy from now on. [turns to Stan and Tweek and continues excitedly] Now, what we need is to all chip in four dollars, and we can have them here tomorrow!\nKyle: Only sixteen dollars? They can't be cool if they're only sixteen dollars. [Cartman's smile vanishes and he shuts his eyes.]\nCartman: If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then it will be $5.35 per person!\nStan: Alright, I'll chip in.\nTweek: Gah! Me too.\nKyle: [resigned] Ah, alright.\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He reaches his room.\nLinda: Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in two hours!\nButters: [in the doorway] Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up here, uh doin' my homework. [he enters and closes the door behind him. His evil face shows] Yes. By day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and innocent Butters BUT... [runs to his closet and opens the sliding door, then steps inside] nobody knows that he actually has a dark underside... [slides the door shut and changes clothes. He slides the door open and comes out dressed as] Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak havoc on the world that shunned me! [runs to his window, opens it, and jumps out. He skulks through the woods nearby with an easel. He reaches a clearing and sets up the easel. General Disarray shows up pulling a wagon of firewood]\nDougie: Professor Chaos!\nButters: Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction, General Disarray.\nDougie: I have done as you asked and brought the first load of scrap wood.\nButters: Excellent, General Disarray! Now we can begin my most horrible evil plan yet to wreak havoc on humanity. [EVIL PLOT #4-B]\nDougie: What dastardly deed are we doing now?\nButters: Simple, my dear general. [flips the page over to show a drawing of the town with a huge shade over the town, held up by a tall pillar] We are going to block out the sun!\nDougie: [looking at the picture] Oh. [turns around]\nButters: Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and figured that if we build a huge ...wooden shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty feet wide [a hamster peers from the wood and drops back down again], precisely on this hill, South Park ...will forever be cast in a great shadow.\nDougie: Oh, awesome!\nButters: Soon, all people will have to live like moles! They will love only to remember with sorrow how great the sun used to be! [laughs with evil glee]\nDougie: Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons. [Butters stops laughing and freezes in place]\nButters: [tilts his head forward] Huh?\nDougie: They did that on the Simpsons. I think it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried to block Springfield from the sun.\nButters: He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was bein' original.\nDougie: So how do we build it?\nButters: Aww, I don't wanna do it now [drops his hammer], not if they already did it on the Simpsons. [walks off dejected] I have to think of something else. [they walk through the woods] Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I think of something clever, the Simpsons already did it?\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. The living room light is on. Cartman is sleeping, dreaming...\nCartman: Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow... [bubbles appear as Cartman dreams] Yesss... Yeesss...\nScene Description: The dream sequence.\nCartman: [shown floating down to the briny deep. Two pairs of sea arms catch him. The sea couple rights him and walk with him in the middle] Look at me, livin' free Free and clean amongst the Sea People [the sea couple and he sail by in a tiny pirate ship. They take him into the castle] We look for pirates and search for gold. Life is an adventure with the Sea People [A sea man pitches to Cartman, who bats the ball for a run. As a sea family looks on he blows out the candles on a cake.] They don't ever complain, they don't call me fat. They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that. [he rides a sea horse alongside sea people on horseback and grins at the camera] This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing, [Shown walking with the sea couple again.] Sea people and me. Sea people and me, you guys.\nScene Description: The dream ends and the bubbles fade away. Cartman wakes up, smiling.\nCartman: Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people. [closes his eyes and turns to his left side] Only three hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamned planet full of hippies. [goes to sleep]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's at his desk with the new kit while Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand behind him. His dressed as a monarch, in suit, crown and cape.\nCartman: Okay. I've added the water purifier tablet to the Sea People Kingdom tank. Now it says [slowing down to read] \"Step 2. [grabs a small sack] Add the Sea People eggs to the water; you will see sea life spring instantly.\" [smiles, then remembers something. He turns to face the other boys] Okay, let's just run through this one more time: when the sea people arrive I will welcome them to South Park as Ambassador of Earth. Tweek, you give them the key to the city, and we'll all engage them in simple conversation. We've gotta make sea people feel comfortable, okay? Ready?\nStan: Ready. Let's see 'em.\nCartman: [turns to the tank] Hold the sign up, Kyle! [Kyle picks a sign up off the floor and holds it to his chest] Higher, Kyle! [Kyle raises it higher, in front of his face] Okay. [opens the egg sack and whispers] Here we go. [pours the eggs into the tank and taps the bag for good measure. Kyle moves the sign a bit so he could peek. Cartman grins again in anticipation, but it fades. Kyle lowers the sign to his chest. Cartman looks from various angles, then takes out the magnifying glass for a closer look. Two pale shrimp crawl around in the tank. Kyle drops the sign]\nStan: Are they playing basketball? [Cartman picks up the box and looks at the front. A close-up of a sea couple. Cartman looks in the tank and sees just shrimp. He looks displeased, Kyle has the sign in hand again]\nCartman: What the fuck is this?! [Stan approaches and looks in the tank]\nStan: Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used to feed them to my fish.\nCartman: I got RIPPED OFF! [pounds the desk and sets the box on the floor to his left]\nKyle: I told you, Cartman.\nCartman: [approaches Kyle and confronts him] Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's war in the Middle East!!! [moves on to Tweek] And you, Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her!! God, I hate you guys!! [his rant ended, he walks across the room] They were supposed to take me away to their underwater kingdom. They were supposed to take me on adventures of the deep.\nTweek: [shaking] They package brine shrimp and sell them to kids? That's not right, man!\nStan: What are we gonna do with them?\nCartman: [at the window] Who cares?! Throw 'em away!!\nKyle: [approaches the tank] Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's coffee tomorrow morning.\nStan: Yeah, that'd be funny.\nCartman: [brightly] Heheh, okay, okay.\nScene Description: Next day, Ms. Choksondik's house. The scene from last episode is carried on here, only zoomed out. The paramedics take Ms. Choksondik's corpse into the ambulance as a crowd looks on. The adults murmur amongst themselves. The ambulance pulls away and Cartman pulls the other boys in with some urgency.\nCartman: Alright, listen to me! We must take a strict vow of silence!\nTweek: [blurts out] Jesus Christ, we killed her!\nCartman: [rushes to Tweek and covers his mouth] Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up!\nScene Description: Dougie's house. He's doing homework on the living room coffee table when a doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. He opens the door and Butters steps in with something under wraps.\nButters: General Disarray, are your parents home?\nDougie: No.\nButters: Ah, I've done it, General Disarray. I've completed my most horrible deed to date.\nDougie: What?\nButters: You know that big statue in the town square of pioneer John Wesley Powell? I snuck over there with a hacksaw and uh, and I cut off his head! [pulls the cover off and laughs maniacally] Hahahahaa, yeah!\nDougie: Oh, uh...\nButters: Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing that now! Quick! We must turn on the news! [turns on the TV]\nNews anchor: ... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps getting bigger. [the image in the small box changes from Hillary to that of the decapitated statue] Also in the news tonight, a vandal has apparently cut off and stolen the head of the Powell statue in the South Park Town Square.\nButters: Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've wreaked havoc!\nNews anchor: The head was taken in the early morning hours and the police have no leads.\nButters: I finally made the world sorry! I've brought sadness, a-and chaos!\nNews anchor: This act, of course, reminded us all of the time that Bart Simpson [a picture of him appears in the box] took the head of the Springfield statue in one of their classic episodes. Here's what some people had to say:\nMan 1: Well, I, I think whoever took the head was... really just doing an homage to the Simpsons. [laughs] Heh, I think it's great.\nWoman: Yes, it really made me reflect on that episode and laugh.\nMan 2: Well the Simpsons is such a great show, and we need reminders like this to keep us watching.\nButters: Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch.\nNews anchor: The police say that instead of looking for the missing head, they'd rather leave it off and be reminded of the Simpsons every day.\nButters: Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons already did that?\nDougie: You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna bum you out.\nButters: [walks away hanging his head] Stupid Simpsons...\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. The boys watch TV on the sofa.\nTerrance: Hello there, Phillip. I brought you something.\nPhillip: Oh, what is it? [Terrance farts and Phillip comments, but the boys talk over him]\nKyle: See? We're just watching cartoons, like always. Nothing's changed.\nTweek: Jesus Christ, she's dead!!\nStan: Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like nothing happened.\nTerrance: Phillip, I think I may have accidentally killed Celine Dion.\nPhillip: [gasps] Killing is never an accident, you dickface! [farts, and the two of them crack up]\nStan: Oh jeez, change the channel.\nNews anchor: And in other news, still no cause of death found for elementary school teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors say that during the autopsy they did find semen in her stomach. [there's a pause and the boys look aghast]\nStan: They found the sea men! It's only a matter of time before they find the women, too!\nNews anchor: The autopsy is ongoing and cause of death is yet to be determined.\nKyle: Oh God!\nStan: We're dead!\nTweek: Oh Jesus! [moves off the couch] That's it, man! I want nothing more to do with you guys!\nCartman: Tweek! Where are you going?\nTweek: They're gonna find you out! Then when they do I don't wanna be within fifty feet of you! You're gonna fry, man!\nStan: Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much as we are!\nTweek: What?! I told you NOT to put the sea people in her coffee! I wasn't even there when you did it!\nKyle: Yeah, but you're our new friend and that makes you cul.. p-piable!\nCartman: In fact, that makes you the most responsible. Tweek, you might have to take the fall on this one.\nTweek: Rrrr-hr-hrrr!!!\nScene Description: Chef's house, night. The boys arrive at his house and ring the bell. He opens the door and sees them.\nChef: Oh, well, hello there, children.\nStan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.\nKyle: We don't know who else to talk to.\nChef: Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. [the boys enter and Chef leads them to the sofa] Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.\nStan: [pause] We need you to promise not to tell anybody.\nChef: Now, children, every problem can be worked out. What was it?\nStan: We... killed our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach.\nChef: ...Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher and they find your semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What the what?!\nStan: [beat] So what should we do? [Chef thinks, then goes and pushes the sofa towards the door and onto the entry path]\nKyle: Wow, I guess this really is a big deal.\nCartman: We've only got one option, you guys. We're gonna have to go to that hospital where they're doing the autopsy and get our seamen back ourselves.\nTweek: Gnaaahahahah! [pulls on his hair and looks at his fist] I pulled out my hair!\nScene Description: Dougie's house, night. In the living room Butters begins to pitch ideas.\nButters: Wokay, how about this, Dougie? [backs up to the easel. On it is the schematic to plan #123-D] I-I'm going' to pose as a real-estate agent and con everyone in town into buyin' a monorail. And then skip town with all their money. [Dougie just looks back] No?\nDougie: ...Simpsons did it. They did it in episode 204.\nButters: Wokay [flips to the next page to show #124-A], then I'm goin' to start a Web site to spread vicious ru-rumors about everyone in town! And and then I'll take their-\nDougie: Simpsons did it!\nButters: [flips to plan #129-E] I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel wings so that the townspeople will think a fallen angel has fallen-\nDougie: Simpsons did it!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Cartman leads the other boys into the coroner's office.\nStan: This is it.\nCartman: Alright, everyone scatter and look for the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door and keep a look out. If you see anybody coming, say the code word: Hammertime.\nTweek: Hammertime? Can't the code word just be... \"lookout\"? I won't remember \"Hammertime\"!\nCartman: [whispers] Ugh. [then] Just remember the song \"Can't Touch This\" and you'll remember the code word!\nStan: Yeah, stupid.\nTweek: Oh, God. [the boys split up. Tweek goes to the door ajar and steps out, Kyle to a table to the right, Cartman to a table to the left, Stan to the supply closet. Cartman opens the doors under his table and looks around, then goes to Kyle's table to check out the drawers there.]\nKyle: [takes a wide covered beaker and look in it] There's nothing here! [puts it back and Stan approaches]\nStan: Dude, it's probably still in her stomach. [Kyle approaches the corpse in the middle of the room and pulls back the cover. Ms. Choksondik's chest and abdomen have been cut open right down the front]\nCartman: Is it her?\nKyle: Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright.\nStan: What do we do now?\nCartman: Just reach in there and get the seamen out of her stomach! [the boys look at him, shocked] Oh, God! You guys are such pussies! [starts digging around in the belly] Hemmm...\nTweek: [voices are heard; he rushes back in] Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme- [covers his mouth] I can't remember uh-the code word!\nStan: Do you see the sea people.\nCartman: No, just a bunch of goo.\nTweek: [hushed tones. Shadows appear down the hall and move towards the room] You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this.\nKyle: Ms. Choksondik stinks inside. [covers his nose]\nStan: Yeah.\nTweek: [two people come down the hall] ...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME!\nStan: Aaah!\nKyle: Quick. Hide. [the boys disperse. Stan runs to the closet he looked in earlier, Kyle to one on the opposite side, Tweek behind the door]\nVoice: [outside] Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon Sharp back. [Cartman burrows his way into Ms. Choksondik's corpse]\nDoctor 1: Alright, let's just leave the semen sample next to the corpse; I wanna run a hair fiber test next. [snips a piece of hair off and turns around. They both walk back out]\nDoctor 2: Hey, do you smell children?\nDoctor 1: No, that's not... [voice fades. The doctors leave and the boys come out of their hiding places. Cartman is still in the corpse]\nKyle: Got it!\nStan: Let's go! [He, Kyle, and Tweek head out the door quickly. Cartman pops out of Ms. Choksondik's corpse gasping for air]\nScene Description: Butters house, later that night. Butters presents plan #127-C.\nButters: Bring the World Cup to South Park so the... a huge soccer riot can destroy the-\nDougie: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!\nButters: [flips to plan #125-E] Take all the beer cans in South Park and have them shaken up in a huge mixer at the paint store so that-\nDougie: Episode 9F17 entitled \"So It's Come To This!\"\nButters: [seethes for a few seconds] Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about destroying the town and just run away and join the circus! [sits down next to Dougie]\nDougie: ...Simpsons did it.\nButters: Dwaah!!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. In his room he takes the semen sample and pours it into his tank, tapping the rim of the tank so the semen can start moving. The semen slides into the tank and puts the lid back on.\nCartman: There. We just put the sea people back in the tank with the others, and nobody will ever know. [looks at his hands] The blood is washed neatly from our hands. [the door opens and Chef enters with a bunch of stuff.]\nChef: Alright, children, I got you four tickets to Thailand [in his right hand, with a sports bag] and three hundred dollars cash [inside the suitcase in his left hand]. It's gonna be tough living for a while. You might have to do things for money you never thought of doin' before.\nCartman: [stopping Chef] It's alright, Chef! We got our sea people out of the teacher's stomach and we put them back in their aquarium!\nChef: [confused] ...Wait, what? Sea people?\nStan: The sea people that we put in the teacher's coffee.\nChef: Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the beginning.\nScene Description: Forty-three seconds later...\nStan: ...and then we put them back in the tank.\nChef: [drops the bag, suitcase, and tickets] Oohhh, children, you misunderstood. Sea people is different from se-men.\nKyle: It is?\nChef: Yes! That stuff that was in that vial didn't come from you, it came from someone else. [begins to chuckle] I thought you children took turns rapin' and then murdered the teacher. [laughs]\nCartman: Well if they found somebody else's sea men in her stomach, maybe they'll find our sea people, too.\nChef: Relax, children, drinkin' some brine shrimp can't kill you. Your teacher must have died from something else.\nKyle: Oh, really?? [all four boys let out a sigh of relief]\nTweek: Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah!\nChef: Alright. You children have had a long night. Why don't we all get some rest and on Monday, I'll sing you a song explainin' the difference between semen and sea people. [picks up the stuff. The boys approach] Come on, children. I'll walk you all home. [the boys follow Chef out]\nStan: [turns and waves to Cartman] Okay. Goodnight, Cartman. [turns and exits. Kyle follows]\nCartman: G'night, guys.\nKyle: I'm so glad we're not murderers. [Cartman closes the door behind them, moves to his bed and talkes off his hat and shoes. He places his hat on a corner of the footboard and hops into bed]\nCartman: [settling in] Ah, so great that everything is finally back to normal. [dozes off. The camera moves to the tank to look at the tank.]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand at the bus station waiting for the bus.\nCartman: [rushes up] H'you guys! Come quick! [turns and runs off] You won't believe it!\nStan: Oh no, what now? [the boys turn left and follow]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. He leads them to his room, to the tank.\nCartman: Those sea men from the teacher's stomach somehow combined with the remaining sea people we had left in the tank and, ah, well LOOK! [the other three approach the tank. Cartman picks up the magnifying glass for a closer look]\nKyle: Whoa. [the close-up reveals a budding civilization with sea people building multi-story apartments and reads. The brine shrimp have begun to morph into sea people. Some of them wear clothes]\nStan: How? How did that happen?\nCartman: I've been up for hours doing some calculations, and I've come up with my final theory of composite dynamics. [brings out a small chalkboard with an equation written on it and points to the various parts of the equation] Sea people plus sea men equals sea ciety.\nKyle: Whoa.\nStan: They've already accomplished so much.\nTweek: They're like, bacteria. Small organisms live much faster lives and do things at a much faster rate.\nCartman: That's right, Tweek. And if my theory is correct, all we need to get is more of the two reacting agents, and we can really see them thrive. Tweek!\nTweek: Hr!\nCartman: You go and send away for more sea people from the magazine ad! Get at least five gallons of them here stat! Stan and Kyle, you go find a bigger fish tank to put them all in.\nKyle: Well what are you gonna do?\nCartman: Me? [camera closes in on him] I'm gonna go out on the town and find ten gallons of sea men.\nScene Description: Dougie's room, day. Butters and Dougie are in costume. Between them is a contraption under a white sheet.\nButters: I've done it, General Disarray. I've watched all one hundred and thirty-two episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And I've finally come up with something... tha they have never done! Uh, behold! [pulls the sheet off] This device that I have made will take the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace the inside instead, with two-month-old mayonnaise. [grins] People will think that they are gonna get a bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but, instead, they'll get a mouth full of yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey! [begins to cackle. Dougie fiddles with the machine] You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons, right?\nDougie: No, I think the Simpsons would be more clever than that.\nButters: Good! Then l-let us take my machine outside and make society finally pay for sh-shunning us!\nAnnouncer: [a commercial for Cheesy-Poofs gives way to a Simpsons commercial] Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama when Bart builds a machine that takes the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replaces them instead, with mayonnaise.\nButters: Nnno [turns and faces the TV], uh no, no, it can't be.\nDougie: Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! [a shot of the TV]\nButters: No! No! [begins hallucinating]\nDougie: [now looking like Bart and no longer in costume] Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!\nButters: Aaaaah!\nDougie: Don't have a cow, man.\nButters: Oh sweet Jesus!\nScene Description: Sperm Bank of South Park, day. Cartman hums as he approaches the door. He enters and walks down the hall. The tellers follow him with their eyes.\nWoman: Can I help you?\nCartman: Yes, my mommy told me this is where I could find some sea men?\nWoman: Your... mom told you?\nCartman: Do you have them or not?\nWoman: We... sell semen, yes, but not normally to children.\nCartman: What's your name?\nWoman: Frances Velman.\nCartman: Frances, let's talk. I don't want a bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't a bunch of bullcrap from me, right? Where does that get us? Nowhere. The truth is, I'm completely certified to handle sea men, and though I may appear young, I'm one of the leading sea men authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer, you know what I'm saying? I'll have my own business soon and I'll need people to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances. And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income. How does that sound? [she looks at him and rises, moving off to her left.]\nFrances: [goes to a refrigerator and pulls out a sample] Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce. [returns to the desk and gives it to Cartman] One donor, certified, on record.\nCartman: [inspecting the vial] I see, very interesting. [pulls the cap off and pours the semen onto his left hand]\nFrances: What are you doing?\nCartman: Takin' a look here. [pulls out a portable microscope and inspects the semen between his left thumb and index finger. He stretches and squishes the semen. Frances looks on puzzled] Seems like quality stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good texture, nice consistency. Sea men must be alive and healthy in there. I'll take five.\nFrances: Five? Vials?\nCartman: No, gallons.\nFrances: Www-we don't have that much here.\nCartman: Dammit! Give me all you've got, then! [the seminal fluid slides down on his fingers]\nScene Description: South Park, in town. Butters runs from Dougie, who chases after him.\nButters: Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo!\nDougie: Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!! [Butters runs past Tom's Rhinoplasty, but stops to look at the town. It warps into Springfield; Tom's Rhinoplasty becomes Wink-E Mart]\nButters: Waaaah! [starts to run again, and the school bus pulls up. Butters hails it down.] Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on! [the door opens and Butters steps on]\nMs. Crabtree: [looking like Otto the driver, but still with bird in hair] SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!\nButters: [jumps backwards] Haaah! [ends up on his back on the sidewalk as the bus pulls away]\nMr. Garrison: [looking like Smithers] Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat?\nChef: [looking like Dr. Hibbert] Hello there, children!\nButters: [runs back the other way] Aaah! Nooo! [Chef and Garrison look at each other]\nMr. Garrison: ...What the hell's wrong with him?\nScene Description: Cartman's room, later. Stan looks at the aquarium and sees the civilization has developed further. Pyramids now appear. The sound of running water is in the background. Cut to Kyle filling a larger tank with a water hose..\nStan: Look, the sea people have evolved to an Egyptian-like culture.\nTweek: Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho.\nCartman: [entering] That should be enough water, Kyle. You got the new sea-people packets, Tweek?\nTweek: Uh-uh huh.\nStan: Well, drop them in! [Tweek opens the packets and drops the contents in]\nCartman: And I've got the sea men. [raises a bowl of semen up to the tank and begins scooping the fluid into the tank.]\nKyle: Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've got there, Cartman.\nCartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.\nStan: That's cool.\nCartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose. Heh. [scoops out the last of the semen] There we go. [drops the empty bowl]\nStan: [hands Cartman the smaller tank] Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in its new home. [Cartman takes the tank and turns it over, pouring the sea ciety into the larger tank. Screams are heard from the sea people]\nCartman: Nothin' to do now but wait.[the boys huddle around the new, larger tank.]\nStan: ...Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?\nCartman: Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah.\nStan: Hm.\nKyle: Huh.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, next day. He's asleep, but begins to stir. His eyes open and he grins at what he sees. He hops off the bed and rushes to the tank. He looks here and there and finds a more advanced civilization in the tank.\nCartman: Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization has advanced hundreds of years. [grabs his magnifier and looks at the society. It now looks Roman. He begins to speak in wonder] Look! There's a library! A-and a temple! And a- who-? [spots a statue. It's one of him. Hundreds of sea people worship it] Oh. They think I'm God. [throws the magnifier away and rejoices] Yes!!! I am god of the sea people!!! You hear that?! [runs to his window, throws the doors open and screams out] I am god of the sea people!!! I am master of their great sunken empire!!! [his mom opens the door and takes some trash to the trash can next to the driveway] Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people!\nLiane: [returning to the house] That's nice, poopie. [enters and closes the door]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's sitting in the living room, which now takes the appearance of the Simpson living room.\nNews anchor: [shown as Kent Brockman] And in other South Park News, elementary school teacher Ms. Choksondik's [Simpsonized] autopsy has shown that the semen in her stomach belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey. [also Simpsonized] However, the semen apparently did NOT contribute to the death, and so Mr. Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous. [Mackey's image becomes a silhouette and a question mark appears over it. Simpsonized Stan and Kyle enter the room.]\nStan, Kyle: Hey Butters.\nButters: [spots their altered appearance] Haaa!\nStan: Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman says he has something really cool to show everybody. You've gotta come.\nButters: Cartman?\nCartman: [arrives, shown as Nelson] Ha ha! [Butters is just stunned.]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, whick now looks like a typical Springfield house, day. In Cartman's room, everyone but Butters is shown Simpsons-style. Present are Chef, Mr. Garrison, Liane, Tweek, Timmy, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, and Butters. Cartman displays his new sea ciety.\nCartman: Behold! You all see my tiny minions groveling at my likeness! I am Eric Cartman, god.\nKyle: Hey. We paid for the sea people too. How come they're not making statues of us? [Butters looks on with some trepidation]\nCartman: Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator of all things, yea.\nMr. Garrison: That is very impressive, Eric. What do you intend to do with your underwater society?\nCartman: I'm gonna send a message to my people and tell 'em to develop a great machine that will shrink me down to their size, so I can live amongst them forever.\nButters: [sensing a chance to retort] Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!\nCartman: What the hell is wrong with you, Butters?\nButters: They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria on it starts to grow, and makes a little society, and they build a statue of her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha!\nCartman: [everyone is silent for a few seconds, then] ...So?\nKyle: ...Yeah. So?\nCartman: Dude, the Simpsons have done everything already. Who cares?\nStan: Yeah, and they've been on the air for like, thirteen years. Of course they've done everything.\nMr. Garrison: Every idea's been done, Butters, even before the Simpsons.\nChef: Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off of a Twilight Zone episode.\nButters: Really? So I shouldn't care if I come up with an idea, and the Simpsons already did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter. [smiles. Everything before him is back in South Park-style] Everything is back to normal, a, I think... I think I can go back to tryin' to destroy the world again.\nChef: Good for you!\nCartman: Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get the hell out of my room.\nButters: [heads for the door] I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready to wreak havoc once again! [runs out of the room. Dougie stays behind]\nStan: Hey, look everybody! The other side of the aquarium is building another statue! [the others turn around to see. Shown is a statue of Tweek in progress]\nKyle: Hey! It's Tweek.\nTweek: Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god. That is waaay too much pressure.\nCartman: That is bullcrap! You'd better stop worshiping him, sea people! [small explosions are seen and the tank jumps]\nMr. Garrison: What's going on now?\nKyle: The sea people from Cartman's side are suicide-bombing the buildings on Tweek's side.\nTweek: Gaaa-hah!\nCartman: Yeah! Go! [two more explosions are seen]\nTweek: NOW what's happening?\nStan: The sea people on Tweek's side just suicide-bombed the Cartman statue.\nCartman: Oh God-damnit! [two missiles, one from behind each statue, fly towards the surface and back down towards their respective targets. The impacts both missiles create tear the tank apart and the sea people flood out of the tank. Screams are heard as they fall to the ground. Cartman is stunned, he looks and falls on his knees.] Oh no! Oh the humanity!\nMr. Garrison: Well it was a nice project while it lasted, boys.\nKyle: Yep. But I guess this proves that war is the natural order of life.\nCartman: Why can't societies just live in peace?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Catholic Church, day. Organ music plays. Inside, Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking to the congregation.\nPriest Maxi: Parents, it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around the country are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator of our lives.\nStan: That sounds pretty fun.\nRandy: [pondering] A Catholic boat trip? [raises his left eyebrow and begins to daydream. He first sees a ship and disco music starts to play. What he imagines is \"The Catholic Boat,\" a television program about cruises on a luxury cruise ship.]\nSinger: The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin' on out today. The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away. Get some hot Christian action; it'll make you-\nScene Description: As the song is sung, the show's logo appears: \"The Catholic Boat.\" A pink anchor rises and ushers in the next scene: A happy Father Michaels stroking his chin. A second anchor, and Young Boy #1 (Butters) is shown. A third anchor and Father Williams appears. He pulls his shirt up to expose his chest. The fourth anchor, and Young Boy #2 (Tweek) is shown. The fifth anchor, and three priests, Fathers Abraham, Duncan, and Ortiz, are shown partying. Father Abraham falls over laughing. Father Duncan grabs Father Ortiz behind the head and pushes the head down... The sixth anchor, and Young Boy #3 (Stan) is shown. A priest's arm appears, running the index finger all over Stan's face...\nRandy: [snapping out of it] Waaah! Waaah! [stops. Everyone in church looks at him, including Priest Maxi] Uyah [coughs a few times and clears his throat] ahem. 'Scuse me.\nScene Description: South Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants go to their cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks are present.\nRandy: Look, I just don't think it's the best idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise with the priests.\nRichard: We can let them go, can we?\nLinda: There's no way my son's going.\nScene Description: A black SUV, nearby. Stan, Cartman and Tweek are in the back seat. Cartman looks out the closed window.\nStan: What are they talking about?\nCartman: I don't know.\nTweek: Maybe they wanna kill us.\nScene Description: Back to the crowd.\nRandy: With everything that's been in the news, I think it's best to keep our kids... far away from the priests.\nStuart: [dressed in fur-lined denim] Now, come on, everybody, just because a few priests in the country have been corrupted doesn't mean that all priests are child molesters.\nRichard: Well, sure, that's easy for you to say; your son's dead. But those of us with alive children need to be sure that Father Maxi's on the up-and-up.\nSharon: I've heard about other towns bringing in counselors that know how to find things out from kids without really telling them what's going on.\nRandy: It couldn't hurt.\nRichard: Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [all fall silent, then start whistling as Father Maxi passes by.]\nPriest Maxi: [stops to listen] Uh... Good-bye, everyone.\nAll: [not all at once] Good-bye, Father. [resume whistling as Father Maxi walks off]\nStephen: Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow we'll find an outside counselor and... find out the truth.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering when a woman comes in and stands before them.\nCounselor: Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and I need to ask you a few questions about your priest, okaaay?\nBoys: Okay.\nCounselor: Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi is... nice? Or mean?\nBoys: [separately] Nice.\nStan: Um, cool.\nCounselor: Okaaay, what words would you use to describe your church's priest? [long pause]\nButters: Compassionate.\nCounselor: Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, ever try to put something in your butt? [long pause]\nCartman: Ih... in our... butt?\nCounselor: You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Just, did he ever try to put anything in your butt?\nStan: ...Like ...money? What?\nButters: You mean, like a goldfish?\nCounselor: No, no. Did he ever try to put anything that belonged to him in your butt?\nBoys: [in unison] No.\nScene Description: The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor to finish talking with the boys.\nThomas: This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out here waitin' to find out if our priest molested our kids.\nRoger: Yeah, what has Catholicism come to anyway?\nRandy: [rising. The others on his bench rise with him] You know, I think we've just had it with the Church. All the horrible things they've done to kids, I... I think I'm gonna become an atheist!\nRichard: That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist too.\nLinda: Let's all be atheists!\nAll: Yeah, yeah, alright.\nRoger: If there was a god, why would he let our kids be molested in the first place?\nStephen: Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!\nRandy: Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists.\nStephen: [thinks a bit, then looks at Randy] ...Same thing.\nRandy: Yeah! [all clamor and charge out of the center]\nScene Description: South Park proper, on the curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit and think about stuff...\nStan: What would the priest ...possibly want to put in our butts? [silence. Only birds are heard]\nCartman: [thinking] Maybe... No.\nKyle: [stopping by] Hey dudes.\nStan, Cartman: Hey.\nTweek: Arr!\nKyle: What are you guys doin'?\nStan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady, and she asked us if the priest ever put anything in our butts.\nKyle: In your butts?\nCartman: Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?\nKyle: Why would he put anything in your butts?\nStan: We don't know. We're- that's what we're tryin' to figure out.\nCartman: Hm.\nKyle: [joins them on the curb] Hm. [long pause]\nChef: [stopping by] Hello there, children!\nStan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?\nChef: Good-bah! [leaves quickly]\nTweek: Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This is going to drive me insane!\nKyle: Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.\nCartman: Aw, dude, I think I might have it.\nStan: What?\nCartman: [gets up and starts pacing] It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work with me on this: if you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?\nKyle: Yeah.\nCartman: Alright, now keep working with me here, it's getting a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out your butt, then maybe, if you stuck food in your butt, you crap out your mouth. [long pause] Hm?\nKyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said - this week!\nCartman: What, that's not dumb. Think about it: food goes in the mouth, comes out the butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius.\nKyle: It wouldn't work!\nCartman: Have you ever tried it?\nKyle: I don't need to. It wouldn't work.\nCartman: I bet you twenty bucks it'll work!\nKyle: You're on, fat boy!\nCartman: Okay, let's go, Jew! [Cartman rushes off and Kyle follow. Stan and Tweek remain seated on the curb.]\nParents: [pass by in a crowd screaming] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God!\nRandy: Stan, you're an atheist now!\nRichard: You too, Tweek!\nParents: [moving on] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God!\nTweek: I'm a what??\nScene Description: Diocesan headquarters, day. Sixteen priests are present in the boardroom, with Father Maxi presiding.\nPriest Maxi: Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming.\nPriest 1: [African-American] No, thank you for finally organizing an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi. I think we all agree something has to be done, quickly. [the other priests concur]\nElderly priest: Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you, but attendance at my church in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three percent! [pounds on the table for emphasis]\nPriest 2: I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.\nPriest Maxi: Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are, we could lose our entire religion.\nElderly priest: Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from goin' to the public!\nFat priest: They've gotta know to keep their mouths shut!\nOther priests: That's right, yeah.\nPriest Maxi: Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. What?\nPriest 1: Yes, but we've got to find out why these children are suddenly finding it necessary to report that they're being molested. Stop the problem at its source.\nPriest 2: Yes, but how?\nPriest 3: [amid discussion] Something has to be done.\nPriest 4: We've got to stop this-\nPriest Maxi: [rising] Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem is that children are being molested, not that they're reporting it! [all fall silent]\nElderly priest: How do you mean?\nPriest Maxi: Well, I mean, obviously, what we need to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct that is allowed to take place in our churches, and not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it. I mean, right?\nPriest 1: Well did any of the children you've molested come forward?\nPriest Maxi: No.\nPriest 1: Well, that's good.\nPriest Maxi: No, I mean! I've never molested any of the children in my church!\nElderly priest: Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all priests here; the doors are closed.\nPriest Maxi: Oh for the love of God! Are you all saying that you've engaged in inappropriate relations with your altar boys? We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent! [the other priests look at him and laugh] I'm serious!\nPriest 2: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.\nOther priests: Yeah. [they continue to talk, but Father Maxi isn't listening...]\nPriest Maxi: Dear God. This problem is much more severe than I could have possibly imagined. I have to go to the Vatican and get help.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.\nKyle: Well, Cartman?\nCartman: [turns to look at Kyle] Hold on! [turns back to the task at hand] God, let a man crap!\nCraig: [entering] What's going on?\nStan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and now he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.\nCraig: Oh. [leaves]\nKyle: Well, go on, smartass, and do it!\nCartman: I'm doin' it already!! God, give me a minute!\nStan: You've had five, dude!\nCartman: [looking at the boys] I can't-, I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around.\nKyle: No! Because you'll just crap out your butt and then say it came out of your mouth!\nCartman: Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?! [the other boys fix their gaze at him] Ugh, goddammit you guys, this is so seriously. [tries again. A few spasms later and a big log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. All the boys are stunned, even Cartman.]\nKyle: Get the fuck out of here!\nCartman: [excited] Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out my mouth! [starts chanting] I crapped out my mo-outh! [walks over to Kyle] You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!\nScene Description: Vatican City, Italy. Father Maxi has made it to St. Peter's Square. He exits a taxi cab.\nPriest Maxi: [to the driver] Well, there you go. Um, grazie. [the driver leaves, Father Maxi turns to walk to the Vatican] Wow, I'm actually here. Vatican City! [looks at the fountains on either side of the square. Inside the Vatican a choir sings softly in the background as Father Maxi awaits the pope. The room is full or prelates. The pope, hunched over and frail, approaches the altar with a group of bishops]\nItalian cardinal: Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America. He has brought this all to our attention.\nPriest Maxi: [kneels before the pope] Your Holiness. [kisses the ring and the pope moans a bit in pain. The cardinal helps the pope up to his chair, then turns and approaches the pulpit.]\nItalian cardinal: Adoramus te, Christe.\nOther Cardinals: Et dominus...\nItalian cardinal: Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an American priest by the name of-a Maxi has brought to our attention the most troubling of news. All over his-a country there are reports of children being molested by men of the Church. If things continue this way, we'll never be able to have sex with young boys again! [the prelates react immediately, protesting the report]\nPriest Maxi: That's right-wait. What?\nFrench cardinal: In France as well we are finding it harder and harder to... make love to our boys.\nMoroccan cardinal: In Morocco they have arrested five of my priests. It's only a matter of time before they get the rest of us.\nItalian cardinal: Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get caught.\nPriest Maxi: Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what we should do is not have sex with boys! [the prelates protest again]\nItalian cardinal: It is not written anywhere in the Holy Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a boys is wrong..\nPriest Maxi: Well, maybe we need to change the Holy Document of Vatican Law. [the prelates protest even louder]\nBritish cardinal: Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics, it is obvious that the priest doesn't realize that the Holy Document of Vatican Law can not be changed!\nThe Clergy: [more protests] Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!\nGelgamek cardinal: Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics, I believe we should move on to other solutions to this problem. [the prelates protest even louder]\nPriest Maxi: Gelgameks?\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and rings the doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...\nCartman: Kyle, could you help me out? I need some advice. [puts his hands behind his back oh so modestly]\nKyle: What? [appears genuinely concerned]\nCartman: It's just that... I can't decide what to buy with your twenty dollars! [Kyle gets upset] I was thinking of getting this mega-man racer for $19.95, or I could get two Broncos trading packs for ten apiece. And then I thought- [Kyle shuts the door on him, looks, then turns around and walks away from the door. Cartman pops up outside a window waving the bill at him. Kyle turns, goes to the window, and lowers the blinds, then walks off]\nScene Description: Stan's house, dinner time. Sharon brings out hamburgers from the kitchen.\nRandy: Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't have to pray for our food.\nSharon: That's right, everyone just dig in. [Grandpa takes a bite from his burger] So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?\nStan: Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.\nSharon: Stanley! [Shelly isn't too pleased to hear that]\nStan: What? He did.\nRandy: Noho, it doesn't work that way, son.\nStan: Yeah it does.\nRandy: No it doesn't.\nStan: [firmly] Yeah. It does. [Randy looks at him angrily, then wonders if it could be...]\nScene Description: Stan's house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before the toilet. He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much effort, a log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. Randy is stunned.\nRandy: Honey! Honey, come quick!\nScene Description: St. Peter's Square, day. Father Maxi is trying to get his point across.\nPriest Maxi: Look, people! I'm just trying to say that if we don't change the Holy Document of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone to atheism!\nFrench cardinal: What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi.\nPriest Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys. [the prelates protest even louder]\nAnother cardinal: The Holy Document of Vatican Law states that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married, so where are we to get our sex?\nPriest Maxi: Uh well then, perhaps we could change the Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that... it's okay for a priest or bishop or cardinal to have sex... with women. [the prelates protest even louder]\nFrench cardinal: Women?\nGelgamek cardinal: The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?!\nPriest Maxi: Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget about the Gelgameks for a second and focus-\nGelgamek cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?! [the other Gelgamek clergy protest loudly]\nPriest Maxi: I'm just saying, what works on planet Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta work for the rest of us here, on Earth. You see? That's the problem we're having here.\nItalian cardinal: But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!\nPriest Maxi: Why not?!\nAnother cardinal: Because we don't know where it is.\nItalian cardinal: You see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law has been hidden away deep in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below us. Hidden away so that it can never be changed.\nPriest Maxi: But if we locate it we can make changes to it?\nA Bishop: HA! Good luck, father! The document is guarded by water lizards, rattlesnakes and sand traps! The fools who have tried before to recover it met their deaths!\nPriest Maxi: Well we have to try. Our religion is dying!\nScene Description: Stan's house. He, Kyle, and Tweek watch television. The front door closes off screen.\nCartman: [arriving] You guys! You guys! Look! [he's dressed in a bathrobe, swim trunks, and sandals]\nTweek: Harrr!\nCartman: I went down to the bank and got Kyle's twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty single-dollar bills.\nStan: So?\nCartman: So? So now I can do this! [takes off his robe, throws the bills in the air, and rolls around in the floating bills.] Yeess! Yeess, Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!\nKyle: [simmers quietly, then] Go fuck yourself, Cartman!\nCartman: [luxuriating in the bills] Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm.\nKyle: [gets off the couch and confronts Cartman] Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your ass!\nCartman: Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's over, okay? I won. Let it go.\nKyle: So you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you! It's still stupid and immature! [a news bulletin's music is heard]\nStan: Dude, look.\nNews anchor: [the News 4 set is shown] Our top story tonight, the age-old question has been answered: if I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? All over the country, people are discovering that, yes, in fact, you will. [a new picture pops up] The Surgeon General had this to say:\nSurgeon General: And the uh immediate research shows that the act is not only amusing, but in fact much healthier for our bodies than the old way of eating. [stands next to a cut-away graphic of the human torso] You see, food entering through the anus has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach rather than afterward. And therefore I believe that interorectogestion would actually put a stop to high cholesterol and most kinds of stomach cancers. And I base that on absolutely nothing.\nNews anchor: The Surgeon-General's response has made Americans change their eating habits almost instantly.\nCartman: [with a solid retort] That's stupid and immature, Cartman!\nKyle: [moves closer to Cartman] It is stupid and immature! So you got people to crap out of their mouths! What do you want, a freakin' medal?!\nNews anchor: The Mayor of South Park has announced that for first discovering this healthy way of eating, young citizen [Cartman's picture appears] Eric Cartman will be given... a freaking medal.\nKyle: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: A kitchen set in a studio, day. An attractive woman is busy preparing a dish on the stove.\nAnnouncer: [a show logo appears...] Now, with more on \"Martha Stewart's Living\" [the logo disappears and the camera zooms in].\nMartha Stewart: In the past few days we've all heard of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion, and so making food that can easily be inserted into the ass is essential. [begins to move to her left] Now, everyone knows that some foods are simple to shove up the ass - puddings, soups, raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding right here - but we can also still eat our favorite foods. What we're gonna do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey for interorecto. [reaches the turkey and stops] Now, the key to shoving a turkey up your ass is first wrapping it in string, keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side. [starts wrapping the turkey. Two FBI agents show up at the rear of the set]\nFBI agent: Ms. Stewart, we have some questions.\nMartha Stewart: [starts wrapping faster] Not right now, I just wanna focus on my turkey, [softly] right now. [the agents withdraw. She finishes and lays the turkey down on a platter] Now, we're going to baste the turkey with lubricating gel rather than with juice - this'll help smooth the insertion later on. We still bake at four hundred degrees for twenty minutes a pound. [leaves that turkey alone and moves further left to a turkey fresh from the oven] When it's done we'll get something like this. [grins] So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious. Let's try it out. [takes the cooked turkey, moves to a clear area onstage, sets the platter down, stands the turkey up, moves into position, and sits on the turkey. Slowly, with grunts every few seconds, she eats the turkey with her butt] Aaaaa-... Yeah, get it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh. [one final heavy grunt, and a sigh of relief, then she stands up] Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey. [grins] We'll be right back with more. [grins, and exit music plays]\nScene Description: The Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with torch in hand, walks down a hall past walls with writing on them. He descends some stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at a door behind which there is a brightly-lit room.\nOld monk: [appears out of nowhere] Beoo!\nPriest Maxi: [jumps back] Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi, from the United States.\nOld monk: What do you seek, Father?\nPriest Maxi: I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make revisions to it.\nOld monk: That Gospel... [turns around and faces the door] lies somewhere beyond this door. [turns around] But... many trials await thee inside! Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord shalla make it through.\nPriest Maxi: I have to try. Our religion is in trouble, and... and that scroll may be our only hope!\nOld monk: Then, prepare yourself. The time of trials begins. [turns and says to the door] Adoramus te, Christe! [the door becomes two doors, and they part to show the brilliant room. The old monk approaches Father Maxi] I wish you luck, Father. [moves to Father's left side and coaches him] Use all the strength, agility, and faith that you have.\nPriest Maxi: Very well. Here we go. [enters and finds himself in a video game environment. He jumps over a hole in one screen, jumps on the heads of three alligators gingerly in the next screen, grabs at a rope and swings over a lake to the other side in the third screen. He reaches the fourth screen. A snake appears in the underground passageway beneath him] Hmmm, there's a ladder up here. [climbs down the ladder and sees the snake] Oh my God, a rattlesnake! [turns and runs past the ladder to the next screen, where another ladder awaits] A way back up! [climbs up and rushes out of there. He enters a secret chapel, having survived all the obstacles to get there. He's quite beaten up. The document sits on a lectern and is well-lit. Father Maxi sighs] I've made it! Praise be to God! He hath shown me the way! [approaches the document] This must be it. The Holy Document of Vatican Law. [picks it up and blows any dust from it.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Six sets of parents sit around the living room coffee table. Randy sits on the sofa with the Stotches. Above them hangs a banner with red letters on white fabric: \"SOUTHPARK ATHEISTS' CLUB\".\nRandy: Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great time bein' atheist. I for one can't believe I used to live my life by what a very old and very fictional book used to say. [all laugh]\nLinda: Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories about people in robes slaughtering goats have to do with today's world?\nRichard: Atheism has definitely made our lives better.\nSharon: [arrives with fresh food and a basket] I made some quesadillas, if anybody wants some.\nAll: Ooohh.\nSharon: And if anybody needs to potty, there's a potty basket right here. [sets it down next to the coffee table]\nRichard: Oh thanks, Sharon.\nRoger: You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're worried we might have a hard time raising our son atheist. I mean- [the quesadillas appear, and he takes one] whoa, thank you -I mean, [rises and unzips his pants] it could end up being very difficult raising an atheist child in such a Christian society. [puts the quesadilla up to his butt and begins eating it. This causes him to grunt at times. Martha looks away] I feel that everywhere my poor son goes he's being persecuted for his beliefs. [finishes eating and zips up]\nRichard: That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist, I don't want him saying \"under God\" every day at school. That could really damage him. \"Under God\" should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse me. [turns aside, looks down, and opens his mouth] Moowwaaagh. [faces the group again and brushes off any remaining crap with his sweater sleeve] \"Under God\" should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.\nRandy: [amid the chatter] That's right, I agree. [the others quiet down] And it should be taken off of money as well. [gets angry] The religious right in this country is trying to force our children to believe what they bel- [reaches for the basket and craps into it] Bwwaaaagh [finishes and sets the basket down] And we can't let the religious right corrupt our kids.\nAll: That's right, that's right.\nScene Description: St. Peter's Basilica, day.\nItalian cardinal: Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy Document of-a Vatican Law! [the clergy ooohs and aaahs]\nBritish cardinal: How did he make it past the water lizards?\nPriest Maxi: [lifts the parchment over his head for all to see] Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE, change it now to say, \"It's NOT okay to have sex with boys\"? [a shot of the clergy as the tapping of a staff is heard. It's the pope striking the ground with it.]\nItalian cardinal: Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say something. [the cardinal approaches the pope and has words with him, then returns to the pulpit] The pope-a says we shall ask the highest source. [the clergy ooohs and aaahs. They begin to sway and chant, and the windows above brighten as beams of light flood in]\nPriest Maxi: [taken aback] Oh my. [a large screen-size area appears and a large creature rises from the depths]\nItalian cardinal: The holy one! [arachnid legs appear] Behold the great Queen Spider! [sure enough, a spider some twenty feet tall appears]\nThe clergy: Hail Queen Spider!\nPriest Maxi: [looking at the Italian cardinal] Queen Spider?\nItalian cardinal: O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your guidance.\nQueen Spider: What do you ask of me?\nBritish cardinal: Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.\nQueen Spider: The Vatican rules cannot be changed. So saith the Spider.\nItalian cardinal: Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince her.\nPriest Maxi: Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!! You people have completely lost touch with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks and your Queen Spider, and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!!\nA bishop: But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that-\nPriest Maxi: To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!! [tears it in two, and the clergy gasps. The basilica begins to tremble and fall apart and the clergy start screaming in fear. Outside, the square itself begins to crumble]\nScene Description: South Park, day. The boys stand in front of Stan's house.\nCartman: [rushes up] You guys, you guys! [drags a small inflatable wading pool behind him] I took Kyle's twenty dollars down to the bank again, and I got it changed into quarters!\nKyle: [irritated] So?\nCartman: So now I can dump them into this little pool and swim in them all day long! [picks up the bag of quarters and prepares to pour them in] Yeessss. Kyle's monneey. [the quarters start pouring in, and Cartman gloats]\nKyle: [approaches Cartman and tries a different tack] Cartman, there's something I need to tell you.\nCartman: O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?\nKyle: You were totally, one hundred percent right.\nCartman: Heh... [the smile vanishes] what?\nKyle: You won the bet. You were totally accurate about being able to crap out your mouth, and I've just been frustrated because I didn't think of it first. I want you to enjoy that money because... you really impressed me with your insight and... I'm... proud to have you as a friend.\nCartman: [taking time to figure out what that means...] You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!! [kicks the pool and it deflates. He walks away angry. Stan and Kyle grin at each other - they planned this change in tactics. The parents arrive cheering and hollering]\nA Man: Yeah, the pope is gone!\nRandy: Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning down!\nLinda: Score one for us atheists!\nRichard: Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it on TV! [the parents resume clamoring and move off]\nScene Description: Vatican City, day. The clergy mill around in the ruins of the Vatican.\nItalian cardinal: Gone! It's all gone!\nBritish cardinal: Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've killed our religion.\nPriest Maxi: No I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules! [the scene is being telecast] You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about. [raises a Bible] This... book. You see, these are just stories. [the Marshes are gathered on the sofa to watch this. Grandpa is asleep in his wheelchair] Stories that are meant to help guide people in the right direction. Love your neighbor. Be a good person. [the Williams are watching] That's it! And when you start turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well... Well, you end up with this. [shows off the ruins, and then the Queen Spider, then the Gelgameks] People are losing faith because they don't see how what you've turned the religion into applies to them! They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths! [The Tweeks are watching. Richard seems to have crapped out of his mouth]\nRichard: [pause, then looks up] ...What was that last bit?\nPriest Maxi: Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic. But I'm a Catholic in the real world. In today's world! It's time for you all to do that, too. It is time... for change.\nScene Description: Stan's house, after the telecast.\nRandy: [after a moment of reflection] He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible. They're just stories to help us to live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.\nSharon: O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.\nRandy: Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology.\nStan: Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?\nRandy: No. It means we get to, son. It means... we get to. [all of a sudden, one more piece of crap comes out his mouth]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front row in the nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back, just three rows behind.\nStan: Oh, cool. A preview. [the curtain goes up and the preview, for a PG-rated film, airs]\nAnnouncer: Coming this summer [those words seem to approach the viewer], it's the classic film that changed America. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version for 2002. [First, the classic shot of the kids flying across the sky with the moon in the background, then a shot of the kids taking off from the road. The police who are there to stop the kids have walkie-talkies in hand instead of guns.] All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [a shot of E.T. dressed in drag walking across a room] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. And the word \"TERRORIST\" has been changed to \"HIPPIE.\"\nStan: Aw, dude, why would they do that?\nCartman: Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the same thing.\nKyle: No, dude. Spielberg changed \"terrorist\" to \"hippie\" to make E.T. more P.C.\nStan: That's gay. [next trailer airs. No rating seen]\nAnnouncer: Coming this summer, it's the motion picture that changed America. Saving Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where the word \"NAZI\" has been changed to \"PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES,\" and all their guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies. [a shot of the landing at Normandy, in all its bloody glory, but all the guns are indeed walkie-talkies]\nStan: Why the hell do these directors keep updating their movies?\nAnnouncer: And now, for your feature presentation: the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.\nThe Boys: Woohoo!\nAnnouncer: In this version, the word \"WOOKIE\" has been changed to \"HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL\" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.\nThe Boys: [first express shock, then anger] AWWWW!!! [they leave their seats.]\nScene Description: The Bijou, day, outside. The boys exit the theater.\nStan: Goddamnit, that pisses me off!\nCartman: [they reach the ticket booth] Yeah, we want our money back!\nTicket Operator: Sorry, suckers! [quickly rolls the blinds down. The boys turn around]\nCartman: You asshole! [turns around and catches up with the other boys]\nKyle: Why don't they leave those movies alone? We liked them the way they were!\nTweek: Don't you see what this means? All our favorite movies are going to be changed, and updated, until we can't even recognize them anymore.\nStan: Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those asshole directors to keep changing their movies and making them different! Movies are art, and art shouldn't be modified!\nKyle: Yeah, what if they had modified the Roman Coliseum every year? It would just be another big douchey stadium now.\nStan: We have to do something. Let's form a club.\nCartman: Yeah! We can form a club that takes food stamps from poor people and then sells them back to the government for a profit.\nStan: No, fatass! I mean a club to protect films from their directors, so they can't be messed with!\nKyle: Yeah. We'll be the \"Save Films From Their Own Directors\" club.\nCartman, Stan: Yeah.\nTweek: NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club! That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm supposed to take it easy; just, watch the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if we form a club there'll be responsibilites. Commitments!\nCartman: Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you to be our new friend to replace Kenny because we thought you were a team player!\nTweek: I'm not! I'm not a team player!\nCartman: Now, either you stop with these faggotronics or we'll find someone to replace YOU!\nTweek: [giving in] D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!\nScene Description: South Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan nails a sign onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good look at it.\nCartman: Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna show up!\nStan: Well what's wrong with it?\nCartman: Look at it, dude. You're not offering any fabulous prizes. You have to offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid crap. Here. [takes the marker and adds the words \"FRee HAT\" at the very end.]\nKyle: \"Free hat?\"\nCartman: Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe people will show up.\nTweek: But we don't have hats!\nCartman: Well we can just make them out of paper.\nTweek: Aahh!\nCartman: It's not hard, it's just a stupid little paper hat. People just need free stuff - don't you guys know anything?!\nTweek: You see?? First we were just forming a club, now we have to make hats! When does it end??\nStan: Alright, let's go get the gymnasium ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats. [walks off with Cartman and Kyle screen right]\nTweek: Fifty hats? Oh Jesus! [runs off screen left]\nScene Description: Tweek's house, later. He's at his desk in his room frantically making paper hats. His mug of coffee sits off to his left.\nTweek: Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make it! [his father happens by and notices the commotion]\nRichard: [approaching with his own mug] Tweek!\nTweek: [shrieks] Hrrr!\nRichard: Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris told you. Find your center.\nTweek: My center. My... center. [closes his eyes and cups his chest] Calm. [enters a state of meditation. Richard turns and leaves, his cup stays] Puppies. [he finds himself sitting in the Lotus position by the side of a serene stream in a lovely meadow. All kinds of animals frolic around him, and a small Buddhist temple sits in the background]\nCartman: [enormous face appearing over the clouds] Tweek! [brushes the clouds away with his hands] TWEEK!! [Tweek opens his eyes] TWEEK!!\nTweek: [comes out of his meditation] Gaaaaah!\nCartman: How many hats have you made?\nTweek: Oh God!\nCartman: We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow! [slaps him hard across the back.] Get the lead out!\nTweek: Aaaah! Oh God! [Cartman turns and walks out, a rattled Tweek resumes making the hats.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them with a box of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen off the wall.\nTweek: You guys, we have a big problem!\nStan: What?\nTweek: I was up, all night, making hats. I only slept for an hour, ...and then I dreamt about making hats, but I only made fifteen!\nKyle: Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough.\nStan: Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown up yet. [turns and opens the door, then peeks in. The place is packed. All the bleachers are filled, and there are five rows of people standing on the gym floor. He backs out, closes the door, and turns to his friends] Dude, there's like a thousand people in there!\nTweek: A thousand? [freaks out] Oh Jesus man! I don't have nearly a thousand hats!\nCartman: They're gonna kick your ass, Tweek!\nTweek: Goohoo!\nKyle: [steps forward] Tweek! It's okay. Look, maybe these people all turned out because they believe in saving films. Maybe they don't even care about the free hats.\nCrowd: [from inside the gym] Free hat! [Kyle turns right, then left, not believing what he's hearing. Tweek's jaw drops] Free hat! Free hat!\nTweek: [\"Free hat!\"] Oh God!\nCartman: [\"Free hat! Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!\"] I told you guys: never underestimate the power of a free hat.\nCrowd: Free hat! Free hat!\nTweek: I gotta move away, you guys!\nStan: Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have to go in there and explain what happened. There are more important things right now than free hats.\nScene Description: The school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the four boys enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold read \"FREE HAT,\" \"FREEDOM FOR HAT NOW!,\" and \"HAT DIDN'T DO IT\".\nStan: [takes the mic] Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for coming. We're really happy to see such enthusiasm for our cause.\nCrowd: Yeah! Yeah!\nStan: Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortunately we don't have enough of the... free hats for everyone. [the cheering dies down and a voice pipes up]\nSkeeter: Eh- Excuse me?\nCartman: [takes the mic] Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek here didn't make enough of them.\nTweek: Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!\nWoman: [a blonde] We don't care about that.\nTweek: You don't?\nStan: You mean, you just came because you believe in our cause?\nSkeeter: Yeah. Free Hat.\nTweek: What?\nMan: Hat McCullough. He was sent to prison in '82, and we believe he should be released!\nMan 2: Yeah!\nCrowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!\nStan: Aaaah, [\"Free Ha-\"], okay apparently there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. This is a rally to save films from their directors? [the crowd stops moving]\nMan: To do what?\nKyle: We believe that films are pieces of art that must be preserved from the perverse hands of their agent filmmakers...\nSkeeter: Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess we're in the wrong place. [the crowd breaks up and exits]\nCrowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!\nStan: Waitwaitwaitwait! [the crowd stops] Don't you see what's happening out there? The films you all grew up with, that touched YOUR lives and are part of YOUR soul are now being updated and changed. Join us and we CAN be a group that makes a difference!\nSkeeter: Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?\nStan: Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free Hat.\nSome people: Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!\nCrowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining room table, with Stan counting the sign-ups.\nStan: ...212, 213, 214 members!\nTweek: [barges in through the front door] You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've got terrible news!\nKyle: What?\nTweek: Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline to talk about our cause.\nStan: Really? That's great.\nKyle: Yah.\nTweek: No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too much pressure!\nStan: If we go on Nightline, the whole country can hear about what's happening to our classic films.\nCartman: But just remember that I do all the talking.\nKyle: You?? Why?\nCartman: Because I'm the official spokesman. I got dibs on it.\nStan: When did we do dibs for it?\nCartman: Just now - [quickly, counting off with his left hand] 1 2 3 dibs! [punches his right palm with his left fist]\nKyle: Me.\nTweek: Ga-ahah!\nKyle: Alright, fine! [points to Cartman] You're the spokesman, Cartman! But you'd better not screw it up!\nCartman: What could possibly go wrong?\nScene Description: Nightline. Ted Koppel is at his desk with the four boys in the inset over his left shoulder.\nTed Koppel: A new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from South Park, Colorado. The organization was created to protect Hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors. And also to free Hat McCullough. So boys, I ask you the question that's on everyone's minds, why does your organization want to free Hat McCullough, the convicted, confessed serial murderer of twenty-three babies?\nCartman: [blinks and looks at the camera for a long time] ...I believe that can best be answered by our official spokesman, Tweek. [the camera moves from Cartman to Tweek]\nTweek: Gaaarh!\nTed Koppel: Well, Hat McCullough admitted he killed those toddlers? Why do you want him free?\nTweek: [\"TWEEK, ADVOCATE OF TODDLER MURDER\" appears at the bottom of the screen] Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!\nTed Koppel: Just answer me this, Tweek: What do you see as \"positive\" about toddler murder?\nTweek: Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?\nTed Koppel: [ponders the possibility] Yes... It is easy. [switches gears] Alright, then on to your other cause, saving films from their directors. What got you boys interested in this, especially given your pro-toddler-murder status?\nKyle: We believe that films have to be taken away from people like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas because they're insane.\nTed Koppel: Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because joining us now are Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [they walk in and stand behind the boys. The boys look at them a bit awed]\nTweek: Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!\nSteven Spielberg: [wearing a CSLB jacket and director's hat] Hello, Ted.\nGeorge Lucas: [meekly] Oh hi, Ted.\nTed Koppel: Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans think you're insane and shouldn't be allowed to alter your films. Your response?\nSteven Spielberg: Well, first of all, both George and I are very firmly against the murdering of toddlers.\nGeorge Lucas: Hear hear.\nCartman: [to Stan] Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [resumes gawking at the two]\nTweek: Get me out of here! Please, somebody get me out of heeerre!\nSteven Spielberg: And as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a... new audience with our movies. As the makers of dreams, we like to speak ...for the children.\nKyle: Ah, we thought we were speaking for the children.\nCartman: Yeah, we're children.\nStan: Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and updated their White Album every few years, what would we have now?\nCartman: Yeah, these guys are only motivated by money, Ted.\nTed Koppel: How so?\nCartman: Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas? Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?\nGeorge Lucas: I'm not a Jew! [crosses his arms in anger]\nSteven Spielberg: You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling children don't know what you're talking about. Changing E.T. was the best thing I ever did.\nKyle: Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd be like, changing Raiders of the Lost Ark!\nSteven Spielberg: [a stroke of brilliance overcomes the two men for a few seconds] Wait a minute. What'd you say?\nGeorge Lucas: Eh, that's brilliant!\nSteven Spielberg: Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark! Why didn't we think of it before?!\nKyle: [regretting the comparison] No. NOO!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary School Gym, next day. \"SAVE FILMS FROM THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HAT MEETING TODAY.\" The boys stand before the new club once again.\nStan: Members, this is our darkest hour. We've just learned that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg now intend to update and change Raiders of the Lost Ark. [the crowd begins to murmur] There's only one way we can stop this important and historical piece of art from being harmed. Mr. Secretary? [hands the mic to Cartman, who moves over to an easel]\nCartman: Thank you. [turns a page up and over. A schematic of George Lucas's Skywalker Ranch is shown] Our intelligence tells us that the original negative to Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere in George Lucas's house. We need to find and usurp that negative.\nMan 3: And if we get a hold of the negative they can't change the movie?\nStan: That is our understanding.\nWoman: Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't want them to change Raiders of the Lost Ark.\nCrowd: YEAH!\nSkeeter: Yeah! We should go get that negative as soon as we get Hat free!\nCrowd: YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!\nKyle: [rushes to the mic] Nonono! We need to do this first.\nWoman: But we have to free Hat.\nStan: It's just that, you know, he killed twenty-three babies.\nMan 4: Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!\nCrowd: YEAH!\nCartman: He... killed... twenty-three babies in self-defense?\nSkeeter: Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked by a gang of babies in West Town Park. When that many babies get together they can be like piranha.\nMan 5: Three eyewitnesses testified that if Hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd have killed him!\nCrowd: YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!\nStan: Alright alright. But right now we've gotta focus on getting those original prints of Raiders.\nSkeeter: He's right. We'd better split up. Some of you go with the boys and get those film prints, the rest of us come with me to go talk to the governor about freeing Hat.\nCrowd: YEAH! [the signs go up and the crowd moves out. Not one of them stays with the boys] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!\nStan: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to do this ourselves.\nTweek: No! That's it! I'm out! I can't deal with the stress you guys create! [walks off the stage]\nKyle: We're just gonna fly to California and break into George Lucas's house. What's stressful about that?\nTweek: Hwaaah!\nCartman: [rushes up to stop Tweek] Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something: You've been our new friend now for two weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest with you, it isn't going well.\nTweek: Haaah!\nCartman: People aren't that into you, Tweek. They find you kind of annoying. Now, I say you've got one last shot here, and I don't want you to blow it, okay? Does that help take the stress off?\nScene Description: Skywalker Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's library. Among the items there are various props from his Star Wars films, four Emmys, four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight scans the room. Stan, holding the flashlight, walks in with the other boys.\nStan: Okay, go. [the other boys, with their own flashlights, pour in]\nTweek: [trying to stay composed, with eyes closed] I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm in a green field.\nCartman: [draws near] Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for faggocity! [walks off]\nKyle: [eyeing a prop] This looks like the right room.\nTweek: I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.\nStan: [finding the video library] Over here! [the other boys join him at the stacks. They see \"Star Wars Episode 1, Version 300,\" \"Star Wars Episode 1, Version 301,\" \"Star Wars Episode 1, Version 302,\" etc., then \"First Day of School\" and \"First Day of School, Digitally Enhanced,\" then \"Wedding Video\" and \"Wedding Video, Digitally Enhanced.\" The camera scans past \"Kids First Swimming Lesson\" and \"Kids First Swimming Lesson w/ Digitally Enhanced Weather\" to stop at the reel of \"Raiders of the Lost Ark, Original Negative 1982.\"]\nKyle: That's it!\nCartman: Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!\nTweek: Huh uh.\nCartman: Get it, you piece of crap, before I grab your nutsack and twist it!\nTweek: Guh huh huh! [walks off and returns with a stool. He climbs up on it and gets the reel canister. The door opens behind the boys and the lights go on]\nGeorge Lucas: What are you doing?! [the boys turn in horror]\nTweek: Oh God! Oh Jesus!\nGeorge Lucas: You're the boys from that ...stupid club. Give me that! [grabs the film reel from Tweek]\nTweek: [hops off the stool] Aaaaaah!\nKyle: Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas! [goes down on his right knee] But please, don't change Raiders of the Lost Ark.\nGeorge Lucas: We're gonna make it better. The movie's gonna be changed, and that's that!\nCartman: Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you leave us no choice. It's time for Plan B.\nStan: Aw, really?\nTweek: Oh God, no! Not Plan B! [Lucas looks at the boys quzzically]\nCartman: [beat] You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen? [the boys reach for the left side of their bodies and rip off their clothes. Underneath they wear colorful Latin outfits and grin.]\nGeorge Lucas: [confused] ...What??\nCartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek goes over to a boombox and presses the play button, then returns to the group. Caribbean music plays] In the tropical isles with the coconut trees, there's a lots of-\nStan: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.\nCartman: ...No, he has an icy heart.\nKyle: ...But you can't melt ice with a cool song, r-tard.\nStan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a \"hot\" island song.\nCartman: It's a cool island song.\nKyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.\nCartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?\nGeorge Lucas: ALRIGHT, that does it!\nScene Description: Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's living room. The boys stand behind Lucas as he talks on the phone with someone.\nGeorge Lucas: [listening] Yes, thank you, officer. [hangs up and walks around the boys] The police are on their way, boys. [stops and faces them] Soon you'll be in jail getting RAMMED!\nTweek: [freaks out] Aaaahh!\nStan: Those rams can do to us what they will, Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying to protect films. [Lucas looks at them]\nKyle: It's not too late to do what's right. Give us the print. There's still some good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there is. [Lucas hangs his head in shame and turns away]\nGeorge Lucas: It is... too late for me, boys.\nKyle: You yourself led the campaign against the colorization of films. You understand why films shouldn't be changed.\nGeorge Lucas: M-that's different. These are my movies. I made them, and I have the right to do whatever I want with them.\nStan: [steps forward] You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not your movies. They're ours. All of ours. We paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our lives as they are of yours.\nKyle: When an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to society.\nGeorge Lucas: Have I... become so old that I've forgetten what being an artist is about?\nStan: Give the print to us so that we can protect it from Spielberg and anyone else who wants to alter it.\nGeorge Lucas: [turns and approaches them] Perhaps... you are right. [presents the reel to Stan, but a door opens...]\nA voice: STOP! [Lucas is startled and the camera pans to Steven Spielberg and three guards] What are you doing, George?!\nGeorge Lucas: Steven, Uh, I-\nSteven Spielberg: Give me that print, George! We need to make the alterations!\nGeorge Lucas: Steven, these boys had a point. I don't remember what it was, but it was good.\nSteven Spielberg: You haven't let these doe-eyed children affect your judgment, have you, George?! [voice lowers] Don't forget: you belong to me.\nKyle: Don't listen to him! You still have a chance to preserve your film! [Lucas, stuck between the two arguments, stops and thinks...]\nGeorge Lucas: I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys. [slowly walks to Spielberg and presents the reel. Spielberg snatches it away]\nSteven Spielberg: [cackles] Now take the children prisoner! [the guards approach and surround the boys]\nKyle: What??\nSteven Spielberg: You troublemakers shall be my guests of honor at the premiere of the NEW Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little club is over!\nStan: Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on, you guys! [the boys turn and make their way to the door]\nTweek: [runs] Oh my God they're gonna kill us. [the guards block the way, and the other three boys are stuck. Kyle tries to get around a guard, but...]\nGuard 1: [aims his walkie-talkie at him] Don't even think about it, kid! I'm not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!\nGuard 2: The one with the cocaine-problem escaped, mein Direktor.\nSteven Spielberg: Leave him!! Let him run back to his mommy! [strokes the reel canister] We must get the film ready for the premiere. [turns and walks off] Lucas! Come! [Lucas, shame-faced, turns and follows Spielberg out. The boys look at the guards]\nScene Description: A commercial.\nAnnouncer: [\"COMING THIS SUMMER\"] Coming, this summer! [\"RE-RELEASE OF EPISODE 1 SOUTHPARK\"] It's the digitally-re-enhanced re-release of the very first pilot episode of South Park! [scenes from \"Cartman Gets An Anal Probe\" play - the cafeteria, the boys walking down the street, Stan, Kyle, and Wendy in the woods, Stan and Kyle at Stark's Pond...] Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first episode is getting a make-over for 2002! [the visitors are shown, then new 3D versions are shown] The simple, funny aliens are now super-badass and kewl! [the mothership is shown beaming Cartman up, then a much more intricate version is shown] The flying saucer? No longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0 megapixel nondrop digital masterpiece of technology! Yes! Everything's new! New is better!\nTrey Parker: [bearded] When we first made South Park, we didn't wanna use construction paper. We just had to because it was cheap.\nMatt Stone: And now with new technology we can finally remaster South Park, make it look sharp, clean and focused.\nTrey Parker: Expensive. [Both men nod their heads]\nAnnouncer: [The flames coming from Cartman's ass are replaced with a 3D version, and cars and people are added to the scene] Yes, all the charm of the simple little cartoon [a model of the new ship is rotated to a new position] will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer and more standardized animation!\nTrey Parker: [a shot of him, then of the bus stop with the boys waiting for the bus. New creatures enter the scene] For instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it.\nAnnouncer: [A special-edition DVD of CGAAP \"new version for 2002\" is shown. \"ACT NOW\" blinks on the screen over the DVD] Get this special enhanced version quick, because another enhanced version will likely be coming out for 2003!\nScene Description: School Gym, sometime later. \"URGENT\" in white has been scrawled over the sign next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside, facing the gathered club.\nTweek: Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have to do something! Our club president [Stan], treasurer [Kyle], and secretary [Cartman] have all been taken hostage by Steven Spielberg! Haaa!\nMan 3: Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?\nTweek: [grits his teeth, shuts his eyes and bows his head in frustration] Yes, just like Hat!!\nSkeeter: But the governor won't pardon Hat. So how can we get him out of prison? [the other members grumble]\nTweek: No! Listen to me! We're not talking about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look, we went to George Lucas's house a-and tried to melt his icy heart with a warm island song, but then Spielberg showed up and took three of our members prisoner! They're goin' to premiere their new Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have to rescue them! Do you understand?!\nWoman: Hey, he's got a point there.\nMan 6: [a rancher] Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!\nMembers: [scattered reaction] Yeah.\nTweek: No!\nSkeeter: No?\nMan 7: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.\nWoman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?\nMan 8: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.\nMan 9: That's it!\nMan 10: Let's go! Come on! [the members rally and take off]\nTweek: Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself. Oh God!\nScene Description: Excess Hollywood. Raiders of the Lost Ark is featured.\nPat O'Brien: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas [shown] will be at the premiere of the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.\nScene Description: A desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the premiere. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their hands are tied behind their backs. Four people follow carrying a large box from two long poles. The box reads \"FINAL PRINT RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK 2002\" The three guards are there with Spielberg and Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola has joined the lead pack. The camera follows the group, but slowly pulls back until Tweek appears with a bazooka on his shoulder.\nTweek: Hello!\nSteven Spielberg: [moves forward and takes a hard look at the figure on the hill] The kid? The tweaked out kid?!\nTweek: I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg! [the other boys try to sneak away, but the guards are around them quickly]\nSteven Spielberg: Your pesistence surprises even me. [begins to fan himself with his hat]\nFrancis Ford Coppola: [steps forward] Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.\nTweek: [fixes his aim on his target] That depends on how reasonable we're all willing to be. All I want are my friends.\nCartman: Wow.\nTweek: Except for Cartman - you can keep him.\nCartman: AY!\nFrancis Ford Coppola: And if we refuse?\nTweek: Then your premiere has no movie!\nStan: He's definitely lost it.\nKyle: Yup.\nSteven Spielberg: [moves around to clear the area] Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand ba- stand back! Back! [people move away] Okay kid, you win. [puts on his hat] Blow it up. [some guards try to get the box, but Spielberg takes a walkie-talkie and forces them back] Zuroch! Zuroch! [turns and faces Tweek] Blow it back to God. [Tweek trembles, but his aim doesn't waver] All your life has been the pursuit of seeing a great film! This new version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams! You want to see it screened just as much as I. [Tweek grunts, showing he may be breaking]\nKyle: Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!\nSteven Spielberg: [turns, walks to the box, and stands next to it] Son, we are simply passing through history. This... is imPROVED history. [Tweek stalls. The boys wait for Tweek's next move] Do as you will. [backs away, leaving the box clear. Tweek struggles, but lowers the launcher. Three guards appear behind him]\nScene Description: The governor's office, day. The governor is at his desk, bored. The Free Hat club members break out in song.\nMembers: In the tropical isles with the coconut trees, the air is fresh and the people are free.\nMan 5: But here in the mountains there's no freedom like that.\nSkeeter: There's a man in prison and his name is Hat. [the governor looks up a bit surprised]\nScene Description: A sign saying \"RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight\" has alternating blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and onto the makeshift open-air theater. Two men bring forth the Ark of the Covenant, which was in the box. The men move off. The audience is seen, with the four boys in the very back. Stan and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and Cartman to the other. Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches the Ark.\nSteven Spielberg: [moving his arms over the Ark] Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone. [the two men return, remove the lid, and walk off with it. A third man reaches inside the Ark and pulls out the \"RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK NEW AND IMPROVED 2002\" reel] This is the birth of the NEW version of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall screen it here, and then destroy all the old prints in celebration!\nAudience: Hooray! All right!\nSteven Spielberg: Begin the film! [a man loads the film and plays it. On screen, three men appear and approach a mountain]\nAudience: [impressed] Whoa.\nStan: [pleading] You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it.\nTweek: Ah, what?!\nStan: [pleading] Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll be terrible. Close your eyes! [the boys quickly turn away, shut their eyes, and bow their heads]\nAudience: [impressed] Whoa. Ahhh.\nSteven Spielberg: It's beyooootiful. [a scene of Indiana Jones using a whip to swing across a chasm. Flaming arrows shoot past him. As he lands on the other side, natives approach. They look and chatter like Ewoks]\nViewer 1: Wait a minute. This version is awful!\nViewer 2: Yeah! They ruined it!\nViewer 3: Oh my God, it's terrible! [George Lucas is suddenly frightened stiff. Coppola is also frightened. The boys keep their eyes closed and away from the screen]\nGeorge Lucas: AaaaAAAAA!!\nScene Description: The three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy is reaching for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the screen and move out over the audience, shooting through the viewers' chests and killing them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed with the energy from the rays. The men become disfigured, then their faces melt away. Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse, then gather back into the Ark. The spirits of all killed are gathered into the Ark as well. The lid lands on the Ark perfectly with a final roll of thunder. A few second laters, when all is quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around.\nStan: Yuh, you guys okay. [the others open their eyes. The ropes that bound them are gone]\nKyle: Yeah. I I think so.\nCartman: Man, that new version must have sucked balls.\nScene Description: South Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park Square. An orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage watching it all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic.\nAide: Today is a day of celebration, and we owe it all to these four brave young boys. [The four boys grin]\nTownsman: Yeah! Alright!\nAide: And thanks to the bravery of this young man in particular, [Tweek smiles proudly] ...Hat McCullough is finally free from prison! [the smiles fade from the boys' faces]\nTownsfolk: Yeah! Woohoohoo!\nKyle: ...What? [a thin balding man with creepy appearance walks onstage and waves to everyone]\nTownsfolk: Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!\nHat McCullough: Thank you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!! Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-RAPE THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder if i could get a baby real quick? [grins in a creepy way. The crowd falls silent for a moment]\nSkeeter: Sure. Give that man a baby!\nTownsfolk: Yeah! Woohoohoo! [the aide comes onstage holding a baby in his arms. Hat looks at the baby sinisterly. The baby senses this and quickly crawls up the aide's arm and onto his shoulder]\nStan: Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys turn and walk off. Tweek can't help but look at the baby's fate]\nTweek: Oh my God!\nScene Description: South Park, day. The boys walk away from the celebration and down the street.\nKyle: Do you think we did a good thing, Stan? [the boys stop] I mean, no one even seemed to notice.\nStan: Yeah well, sometimes the things we do don't matter right now. Sometimes they matter... later. We have to care more about later sometimes, you know? I think that's what separates us from the Steven Spielbergs and George Lucases of the world.\nCartman: That and youth. Those guys are old.\nTweek: But what about the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them?\nStan: Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe. Somewhere where... nobody will ever find it.\nScene Description: A secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut and adds a lock. He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off down a long corridor. On each side are other boxes and crates of stuff put there so as not to cause any more harm to anyone. Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED CROSS 9/11 Relief Funds. Dramatic music plays the episode out."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek show up. Stan rings the doorbell. Liane comes to the door.\nLiane: Oh, hello boys.\nStan: Hi. Uh, the school called and said we all have to start going to class again.\nLiane: Oh, but I thought your teacher died.\nKyle: She did, but now they're saying we have to start going back to school anyways. It's totally gay.\nLiane: Oh. Well, I'll tell Eric. He's just down in the basement playing with his dolls. [turns and walks off]\nTweek: Cartman likes to play with dolls?\nScene Description: Cartman's basement. He's playing with a rubber lamb at the edge of a hole in the floor.\nCartman: [strokes the lamb and sets it aside] Hello, Precious. Yes, that's a good Precious. [grabs a basket with a bottle of lotion sitting inside and lowers it down the hole. The basket stops when it reaches Polly Prissy Pants, which sits at the bottom of the hole] Now it takes the lotion from the basket.\nPolly Prissy Pants: [Cartman voicing] Oh please, mister. Please let me out of here.\nCartman: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.\nPrecious: [Cartman voicing] Bark bark bark bark!\nCartman: Yes, that's a good Precious. Okay, now it puts the lotion back in the basket.\nPolly Prissy Pants: Please, mister, let me out.\nCartman: It puts the lotion back in the basket!\nPolly Prissy Pants: I miss my mom, mister. I wanna see my-\nCartman: [throws a fit] Put the lotion in the fucking basket!\nLiane: Sweetie.\nCartman: Yes, mom?\nLiane: You have to get ready for school.\nCartman: [thinks a bit, then looks up] No, our teacher's dead. Remember?\nLiane: Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back.\nCartman: [pause] Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.\nLiane: You'll get over it, honey.\nCartman: [starts to throw another fit] But I wanna plaaayyy!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. The kids pour into the classroom, chattering. Wendy walks up and starts talking to Red and Annie.\nWendy: I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys. What have you been doing? [Bebe walks in]\nBebe: Hey guys.\nWendy: Hey Bebe.\nBebe: You guys, uh, [holds out her arms] notice anything different? [looks down at her body]\nWendy: [the three girls gaze] Oh my God, Bebe. You got boobs!\nBebe: Yeah, they started coming in last week. At first I thought they were just mosquito bites, but, then they didn't go away.\nMr. Mackey: [enters the classroom and walks past the girls] M'kay, kids, let's take our seats, m'kay? [the girls take their seats] I know this has been a difficult couple o'weeks for you all with the untimely death of your teacher, but it's time for us to try to move on and learn, m'kay?\nCartman: Mr. Mackey, I don't think I'm over the teacher's tragic death yet. I need more time. It's just... it still hurts, you know? Can I go home?\nMr. Mackey: No. Eric, what we're gonna do is learn to hide our emotions with math problems. [turns, grabs some chalk, and starts writing on the board] M'kay, so let's start with some multiplication tables over here, m'kay. First we'll do, uh, four times four, m'kay?\nKyle: Dude, look at Bebe. [\"We'll move into the five times thing.\" Bebe is busy taking notes. \"We'll try five times three...\"] Something seems different about her.\nStan: Yeah, I noticed that too. Did she get a haircut or something?\nKyle: I don't know. [Bebe continues writing]\nClyde: Hey, Token. You know, I never really noticed before, but that girl Bebe is... kinda cool.\nToken: I was just thinking the same thing. It's like, she's a girl, but, she's someone you could hang out with.\nButters: [pipes up behind Annie] Yeah. Bebe is kinda cool, huh? [Bebe continues writing]\nCartman: Hey Craig, is that the same shirt that that Bebe chick always wears?\nCraig: I don't know. Why?\nCartman: It just... it just seems like a really awesome shirt.\nCraig: Yeah. It kinda does. [Bebe continues writing, but stops and looks to her right. All the boys are looking at her, all the girls look at the board.]\nMr. Mackey: Okay, and so uh, [Bebe is looking back, wondering why the boys keep staring at her] so who can tell me the answer to the first problem, six times eight? Uh, Bebe?\nBebe: [breaks the stare and answers] Oh, uh, forty-eight?\nAll the boys: Whoa.\nClyde: That is an awesome answer!\nAll the boys: Yeah!\nKyle: Dude! Bebe is really smart!\nStan: Yeah. I never noticed that before. Maybe she's actually cool enough to hang out with us.\nCartman: Yeah, may be.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Three girls walk to class: Wendy, Bebe, and Red. Wendy is talking.\nWendy: ...But I was like, \"I'm not buying those shoes for twenty dollars.\" [the girls stop and giggle]\nStan: [arriving with a group of boys: Kyle, Cartman, Token, Butters, Tweek, and Clyde] Ah, hey, Bebe.\nBebe: Yeah?\nStan: Uh, we're gonna go throw rocks at cars later on, and we thought maybe you'd like to join us.\nBebe: Really? [Wendy and Red look at her] I've never done that before.\nButters: [Stan and Kyle part a bit for a better view] Wuuhh, it's really fun. You toss these little rocks at cars, and if the driver gets angry, you blame me.\nKyle: Yeah, it's cool.\nBebe: Well sure, that sounds hella fun.\nThe boys: Hahahahahaha...\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: Hella fun.\nCartman: Right, heh.\nClyde: Wow, hella fun. That's awesome.\nToken: I'm gonna start saying that now.\nStan: Cool. [the boys turn as one and walk back the way they came] We'll see you later, Bebe.\nWendy: [Wendy catches up to Stan. The boys are grinning. Stan stops and looks] Stan, you've never asked me to throw rocks at cars with you guys.\nStan: That's different, dude. You're like, my girlfriend. Bebe's just... I don't know. She's just cool. [turns and walks off]\nKyle: [looks over his shoulder] Yeah. She's really cool. [Wendy gets upset]\nClyde: It's weird how we never noticed before. [Wendy looks back at Bebe, who just shrugs]\nScene Description: A hill just outside of town. The boys and Bebe are gathered at the summit.\nStan: So what you do, see, is you wait for a car to drive by that big pine tree. Then you chuck a rock at it. It's all about the timing. [he throws a rock towards the road and the others look at the trajectory. A blue pick-up truck drives by and is hit]\nDriver: You damn kids!\nBebe: Cool.\nClyde: You try it, Bebe.\nBebe: Okay.\nToken: Here comes a sedan. [Bebe throws a rock at the red sedan and hits it]\nDriver: You damn kids!\nThe boys: Awesome!\nButters: Cool! [close up] That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen.\nKyle: That was sweet, Bebe. [shows her another rock and another grip] Now, if you just hold the rock like this, you-\nClyde: Yeah. [grabs a hold of the rock and pulls it a bit] Here, it's like if you put your thumb on this side-\nKyle: [pulls back] I'm showing her.\nClyde: [pulls back] Yeah, just let me show her real quick how to put the thumb and-\nKyle: [gives an ape look and smacks Clyde, who lets go of the rock] Hoh!\nClyde: [grunts back and moves off] Hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe is stunned at this development]\nKyle: Hoh! [watches, then reverts to normal and talks to Bebe. Stan moves in] Anyways, you put a spin on it by holding it here and-\nStan: [grabs the rock and demonstrates] Yeah, and then you can actually hold it like this. Now-\nKyle: [peeved] Hoh! Hoh hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe backs up, scared]\nStan: Hoh hoh hoh!\nKyle: Hah hah hah!\nCraig: [beats his chest] Urh urh urh! [all the boys start grunting and displaying aggression]\nBebe: Uh. Listen guys, um, it's five-thirty. I'm supposed to get home, so... I'll see you later. [leaves. The boys continue grunting and putting on displays. She walks faster the farther she moves from the boys. The boys notice her absence and stop.]\nStan: [beat] ...Wait, what were we doing again?\nKyle: We were throwing rocks at cars.\nThe boys: Oh yeah.\nCartman: Woohoo.\nButters: [points] Uh there comes an SUV. [Token throws a rock and hits the SUV]\nJimbo: You damn kids!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their seats. Bebe is the last kid to enter class and find a seat.\nThe boys: Hi, Bebe.\nBebe: Hey everybody.\nWendy: [rolls her eyes and rests her head on her right hand] Oh, for Christ's sake!\nMr. Mackey: [arriving, puts his textbooks on the teacher's desk] M'kay. Kids, yesterday I asked you to write a paper to read aloud for the class. Now, who wants to start? [Clyde raises his hand] M'kay, Clyde?\nClyde: [picks up his paper and starts] My paper is called, \"Why Bebe is the coolest person, ever\".\nStan: Hey, that's what I wrote about!\nButters: Me too!\nClyde: [grunts] Hoh!\nStan: [grunts and pounds his desk] Hah hah, hah! [the other boys start grunting like apes]\nMr. Mackey: Uuuuh-okay. Go ahead, Clyde.\nClyde: [glowers at Stan, then reads] \"My friend Bebe is really smart. She tells funny jokes and knows a lot about stuff. She's good at almost everything she tries. She's awesome. The end.\" [some applause]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, very nice, Clyde. Uh, Token, why don't you read your paper?\nToken: [picks up his paper and reads] \"If I could be Bebe.\" [Wendy is miffed and rolls her eyes] \"If I was Bebe, I would have lots of friends because I would be sooo great. I would make people smile and think wherever I went.\"\nMr. Mackey: [takes a moment to think, then] M'kay, interesting, Token. Uh... Who would like to go next? [the rest of the boys raise their hands energetically and make small sounds to get Mackey's attention] Uh, how about someone who didn't write about how cool Bebe is?\nThe boys: [softly] Oh. [they lower their hands. Bebe raises hers]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, Bebe?\nBebe: [picks up her paper and reads] \"My cat Thumper.\"\nThe boys: Wwooww.\nBebe: [sees the reaction and continues reading] \"Thumper is gray with a white spot. Sometimes he likes to chase his tail.\" [the boys break out in laughter]\nClyde: Chase his tail? That must be so funny!\nBebe: \"Thumper is twelve years old. That's pretty old for a cat. The end.\"\nThe boys: Wwooww!\nCartman: God, you know what? That's so true. Because, you sometimes never really think about how old a pet is until it's gone.\nCraig: That's true, huh? Man, that really makes me reflect on my pets.\nStan: That's such a great paper! [starts clapping. The other boys join in the applause]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. Wendy, why don't we hear your paper?\nWendy: [picks up her paper and reads] \"The new Cold War.\"\nCartman: Oh God! Here we go again! Dork alert! [the boys crack up]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria. Wendy is talking to Red, Millie, and Esther.\nWendy: But, then the mall closes at four or five o'clock, so who knows w-\nClyde: [arrives with Kyle, Token, Craig, Bradley, and Francis] Hey, have any of you dumb girls seen Bebe anywhere?\nWendy: [angrily] No!\nKyle: Maybe she's in the lunch line.\nThe boys: Yeah.\nWendy: Can you believe Bebe? She thinks she's so cool all of a sudden.\nMillie: I can't stand her anymore! She's such a slut!\nEsther: She's a total slut!\nRed: You know what I heard? I heard that she made out with eight different boys in one minute.\nMillie: I heard that she lifted her shirt to the boys at the bus stop.\nWendy: I heard that her asshole is like this big around. [makes a hole with her hands, thumb touching thumb, the other fingers touching their counterparts on the other hand]\nMillie, Esther: Wwooww.\nBebe: [comes into view] Hey guys.\nWendy: Oh, hey Bebe. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.\nMillie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.\nEsther: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.\nMillie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.\nBebe: ...You guys still wanna go ice-skating after school?\nWendy: Oh, no, that's okay Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.\nMillie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.\nEsther: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.\nRed: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.\nWendy: Slut.\nMillie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [the girls take their trays and leave, giggling]\nGirls: [out of view] Whore. Slut. Slut.\nScene Description: Bebe's house, after school. She's looking out over the neighborhood from her bedroom window, looking sad. Her mother stops by her door and looks in.\nMrs. Stevens: Bebe, is something the matter?\nBebe: [turns and faces her mom] Oh Mom, it's just... My girlfriends at school said some really mean things to me today. [faces the window again and rests her head on her right hand] They called me a \"slut with a huge gaping vagina\".\nMrs. Stevens: [approaches] Oh, sweetie. You're all just growing up. [begins to stroke Bebe's hair] Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.\nBebe: But am I slutty just because I'm starting to be friends with guys? I mean, they just like me because they think I'm smart and cool.\nMrs. Stevens: I remember when I was a little girl the boys didn't think I was very smart at all. But then one day, they all started thinking I was really smart. I guess big smarts just run in our family.\nBebe: Well if the girls don't wanna be my friends, that's fine! [rests her head on her hands] Guys are way cooler, anyways.\nScene Description: King Jimmy's Buffet, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at a booth eating hamburgers and some side dishes.\nTweek: [arrives] You... guys wanted me to meet you here?\nCartman: Yeah, have a seat, Tweek. We all need to have a talk.\nTweek: [sits next to Cartman] Oh God.\nCartman: [offers Tweek his plate] Alright guys, now that we're all here, I think... we need to have a difficult conversation. It's obvious that Bebe is like the coolest, smartest, most awesome person we've ever met.\nStan, Kyle: True.\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Yep.\nCartman: And, you know, we've been trying to fill the gap for the fourth friend ever since Kenny died, God rest his soul, and it hasn't been an easy process.\nKyle: Right.\nStan: Uh huh.\nCartman: And so, even though I think it's a tough thing to do right now, I think maybe it's best for everyone if we make room to allow Bebe to be our new fourth friend.\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: That would be best.\nCartman: Well, I'm glad you guys all agree. And so, Kyle, I just wanna say that it's been really great, and we're gonna miss you.\nKyle: Huh??\nStan: Kyle??\nCartman: And even though it didn't quite work out, I'm sure you'll find other friends down the road, Kyle. Here's a nice watch for you and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts]\nKyle: Me?? Dude, I've been here since the beginning!\nCartman: And we're really sad to see you go. Let's give a big round of applause for Kyle, everybody. Hip hip.\nStan: Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out!\nCartman: Pleeeeease???\nStan: No!\nCartman: [removes the watch and peanuts] Alright, fine! So then, I guess we have no choice but to let you go, Tweek. But we want you to know that it's been really fun. Here's a watch and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts again]\nKyle: No way! Tweek's cool!\nStan: Yeah!\nCartman: Well dumbasses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe!?\nScene Description: Bus stop, next day. The answer is shown. Bebe stands between Kyle and Tweek, and Cartman is not present.\nBebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus to school with you guys.\nStan: Sure thing, Bebe.\nCartman: [arrives] That's fine! That's fine!! [sticks up his middle finger] Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [leaves, then returns, and sticks the middle finger up again] Fuck you, Tweek! [leaves, then returns] Bebe, you're still cool. [leaves again]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Some boys - Clyde, Butters, Token, Craig, and Pip - are putting up a large poster that reads \"Bebe for President\" next to the counselor's office. Wendy passes by and stops to look.\nWendy: What are you doing?!\nClyde: We're trying to get Bebe to run for class president.\nWendy: I'm class president! The vote was last fall!\nCraig: Well, yeah, but Wendy, you have to admit, Bebe's a lot smarter and more organized than you.\nToken: [gushing] Yeah. We need a leader like Bebe. She can teach us all so much.\nThe Other Boys: Uh huh.\nWendy: She's not smarter and cooler than everyone, you guys are just drawn to something else! [the boys just look at her]\nClyde: What?\nWendy: Ugh! God, you guys are sooo stupid! [walks away in a funk]\nButters: [puts his fists on his hips] Stupider than Bebe!\nClyde: Yeah!\nCraig: Yeah!\nButters: Huh Bebe's cool, huh. Huh, fellas?\nClyde: Yeah!\nButters: Yeah!\nCraig: Sure is!\nButters: Uhyep!\nScene Description: The neighborhood, after school. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek walk towards Bebe's house.\nKyle: I can't wait to watch Terrance & Phillip with Bebe.\nStan: Yeah. [they arrive, but find four other boys arriving at the same time: Timmy, Kevin, Bradley, and Francis] Where are you guys going?\nBradley: We're going to see our friend Bebe.\nStan: Bebe is our friend. Didn't you all get the memo?\nFrancis: Bebe is everybody's friend.\nKevin: Yeah. God put Bebe on earth to enrich everyone's lives.\nStan: [steps forward and grunts] Hoh!\nKyle: [steps forward and grunts] Hoh hoh hoh!\nKevin: Arf arf!\nFrancis: Arf! [a few more grunts are heard]\nTimmy: Arf! Ah Timmah! Timmah-ar-argh!\nStan: Aw alright, I guess we can all watch Terrance & Phillip together. [goes and knocks on the door]\nMrs. Stevens: Oh, hello, boys.\nKyle: Is Bebe home?\nMrs. Stevens: No, she's with one of her little friends. But she should be back shortly if you boys wanna wait.\nBradley: Who is she with?\nMrs. Stevens: I believe she is playing \"Lambs\" over at Eric Cartman's house.\nStan: Cartman's?\nScene Description: Cartman's basement. He's at his hole again, and Bebe is sitting next to him. He has his basket, lotion, and rubber poodle ready to go.\nCartman: [holds up the poodle] See, and this is Precious.\nBebe: Precious?\nCartman: [squeezes the poodle] Bark bark bark. [sets the poodle aside] Okay, so then we put my mom's hand lotion in this little basket [puts the lotion in the basket] and lower it down to Polly Prissy Pants. [the basket descends]\nBebe: [watches the basket drop] Uh huh. [the basket stops once again in front of Polly Prissy Pants]\nCartman: Now you say, \"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.\"\nBebe: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.\nCartman: Heheh, yeah.\nPolly Prissy Pants: Mister, please let me out of here.\nCartman: Now say it again, louder.\nBebe: [louder] It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.\nCartman: Good. Now, now put the lotion back in the basket!\nPolly Prissy Pants: My parents have money, Mister. They'll give you whatever you want. Please!\nCartman: Now, just yell \"Put the lotion in the fucking basket!\"\nBebe: Put the lotion in the basket!\nCartman: Put the lotion in the fucking basket! [pushes the rubber poodle into the hole] Oh no! Precious!\nPolly Prissy Pants: I've got your dog, Mister. Let me out or I'm gonna kill it! [a door is heard opening and Kyle goes down the steps, followed by Stan, Kevin, Craig, Clyde, Butters, Francis, Tweek, Bradley, Token, Pip, and Timmy]\nCartman: Now you say, \"Don't you hurt my fuckin' dog!\"\nBebe: Don't you hurt my fucking dog!\nCartman: You bitch, I'll cut your throat if- [stops when he hears Timmy's wheelchair and looks around]\nKyle: What the hell are you doing?\nCartman: We're playing \"Lambs.\"\nKyle: [moves over to Bebe] Bebe, I thought we were going to watch Terrance & Phillip today.\nButters: [moves forward] Then we gotta work on your campaign.\nFrancis: [moves forward] Right, but first we gotta go to the-\nStan: [jumps in front of Boy 2] Hoh! [the other boys begin to grunt and face each other]\nBebe: You guys, calm down!\nScene Description: Token tackles Bradley, Craig attacks Butters, Cartman punches Francis, Kyle attacks Kevin, Pip beats on Tweek, Bradley chases after Token, and Francis tosses Cartman over his head. Stan goes after Pip, but Pip attacks first. Clyde goes after Tweek and sends him flying across the basement. Token brings out a SuperBESTFriends lunchbox and throws it at Clyde. Clyde jumps out of the way and the lunchbox hits Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmih!\nScene Description: Clyde attacks Token, but Token punches him away, then jumps on him. Timmy runs over both of them. Token jumps up and goes after Bradley again. Pip and Tweek fight again, and Stan comes flying in, taking Pip.\nBebe: This is insane!\nScene Description: Cartman picks Tweek up and throws him off. Francis is thrown backwards towards Bebe, back first. Bebe steps aside, and Francis hits the wall.\nBebe: Stop it you guys, please!\nScene Description: The map behind Bebe falls to the floor. Stan gets up, and Pip flies at him. Cartman and Bradley fight again. Kyle swings in from above on a hanging overhead light, landing on Cartman's back as Cartman fight Tweek. Tweek drops away, and Cartman has to wrestle Kyle. Bradley throws Token into a fossil display case, and a femur falls out. Stan walks up and looks at Token, then sees the femur. He picks it up and sees victory at hand. He starts beating everyone with the bone. He hits Clyde twice with it, and Clyde goes down. He then knocks out Kevin, then Cartman, then Kyle, then goes after the other boys.\nBebe: Oh boy, I never meant to cause all this trouble!\nStan: [atop a pile of boys] Hoh, hoh, hohhh! Hohhh! [he's knocked them all out and tossed them into a mound]\nScene Description: Bebe's house, day. She's at her window again, looking at the neighborhood. The boys are all over her front lawn milling around.\nMrs. Stevens: Bebe, those boys from your school are still waiting outside to see if you'll come out.\nBebe: I know. They've been there all day. [Outside, Token messes with a trash can. Cartman notices and walks over, pushing the trash can down. Stan plays with a rock on the steps. Craig inches his way towards Stan, who watches him from time to time, and Francis is up a tree.]\nStan: Hoh, hoh hoh hoh!\nCraig: Hah hah hahah hah! [the other boys turn and start grunting. Stan chases Craig away from the steps, then returns to sitting there.]\nStan: Hoh hoh hoh! [picks up his rock and plays with it] Hohohoh hoh!\nMrs. Stevens: Looks like my little girl has a lot of gentlemen callers.\nBebe: Mom, why is everyone acting so different around me?\nMrs. Stevens: Sweetie, you're just blossoming into a woman.\nBebe: But, I, I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I think I'm not as smart and cool as they say, that everyone just tells me I am because of my hooters.\nMrs. Stevens: Sweetie, you're a Stevens. And Stevens women are always told they're really, really smart. [gives her a hug and then leaves]\nBebe: Mom? [her mom stops and turns around] What's six times eight?\nMrs. Stevens: Oho, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers. [satisfied, she turns around and walks out and downstairs. She opens the front door and the boys back away grunting] Alright boys, time to be getting home. Bebe's not feeling well and she can't come out today. Go on, shoo. [the boys walk away slowly, grunting in disappointment. A whistling sound is heard and a space shuttle crashes into a field across the street. The boys stop at the sight.]\nStan: Hoh. Hoh?\nAstronaut 1: Aah. We made it.\nAstronaut 2: Boys, can you call 9-1-1 for us? [the boys start to grunt again. Stan backs up into the crowd of boys]\nAstronaut 1: Oh my God. We've landed on Earth thousands of years in the future and apes have taken over!\nAstronaut 2: I knew it! You blew it up, didn't you?!\nAstronaut 1: I don't want to live in this futuristic madness! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]\nAstronaut 2: Take your ape rule and go to hell! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]\nBebe: [sighs] Having boobs sucks.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. A man walks in and goes to his desk.\nDr. Hallis: Well hello there, little girl. My name is Dr. Hallis. What can I do for you today? [sits at his desk]\nBebe: I wanna have breast-reduction surgery. [the doctor leans forwards and visually inspects Bebe's chest]\nDr. Hallis: You?\nBebe: Yes. I have two hundred and twelve dollars in nickels and a gold bracelet.\nDr. Hallis: Well, young lady, I'm afraid that we don't offer breast reduction surgery to girls of your age.\nBebe: Why not? Britney Spears got fake ones when she was a teenager. Why can't I have mine taken off?\nDr. Hallis: Because making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is... insane.\nBebe: I think it's insane to want them bigger.\nDr. Hallis: Why do you... hate your breasts so?\nBebe: Ever since I got these stupid things everyone treats me differently. I feel like I might be treated differently the rest of my life.\nDr. Hallis: Oh, come on now, that's just silly.\nBlonde nurse: [nice shape, walks in with a folder] Here's the Anderson file, Doctor.\nDr. Hallis: [looks up, looks down and grins, then looks up again] Oh, awesome. Thank you so much, Jillian. That's great. Oh, God-damn. Thank you so much. [The nurse walks out. Bebe lowers her eyelids halfway]\nBrunette nurse: [not as nicely shaped, walks in with a cup and plate] And here's the coffee you wanted, doctor.\nDr. Hallis: [quickly, subdued, looks askance] Yeah, whatever. Get out of here. [the nurse walks out, and he addresses Bebe again] Now, I was saying?\nBebe: Please, you have to help me. I think that if my breasts keep growing this way, boys will give me whatever I want.\nDr. Hallis: Yeah, so? That's great, isn't it?\nBebe: No it's not, because if I grow up getting everything I want, having things made easy for me because I have hot knockers, then I'm gonna grow up to be a lame person. If I'm handed everything in life, then my chances of becoming a lawyer or a marine biologist are zero.\nDr. Hallis: That may be true, but I'm afraid I just cannot ethically perform a breast-reduction surgery on an eight-year-old girl.\nBebe: Damnit!\nDr. Hallis: If, on the other hand, you'd like to make them a little bigger, I think now might be the right time to size up, hm?\nBebe: Oh, fuck off! [walks off in disgust]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. In the dining room Randy reads the paper. Sharon enters.\nSharon: Randy, could you have a talk with Stanley?\nRandy: Why? What's the matter with him?\nSharon: It's just that, well, he's been acting a little different lately. [Randy looks. In the living room Stan has taken out his crayons and drawn some figures on the wall]\nStan: [disheveled, in his primal state] Aaaa-ta. [starts drawing another boob. The wall is covered with them, singly or in pairs. One stick-figure woman has a large pair] Aaaa-ta.\nSharon: He's been ignoring his homework, and, all of his friends. I can't figure out why.\nStan: [picks up a stick and moves it around] Aaaa-ta. Aaaa-ta.\nRandy: Ohhh boy. Looks like he's starting to notice breasts.\nSharon: [relieved and proud] Oh yes. Our little Stanley is starting to become a man. [Randy leaves his seat at the table and approaches Stan]\nStan: [points to the wall with his stick] Ahta. Ah, ahta!\nRandy: Hey there, son.\nStan: [turns to face his father] Hoh? Ahta. [points to the wall] Ahta.\nRandy: Yes, ahta. Let's have a talk, Stan.\nStan: Ahta.\nRandy: Stan, as you get older, boobs - bu-these \"ahta\" will start becoming a major part of your life.\nStan: Ahta? [Sharon walks behind Randy and sits on one of the sofa's arms]\nRandy: But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs out there, son. But they're just boobs; your friends... are forever.\nStan: [considers each argument] Friends. Ahta.\nRandy: I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, someday, [places his left hand on Sharon's right shoulder. She smiles] you'll meet a pair of boobs that you want to marry. And those become the boobs that matter the most.\nSharon: [putting her right arm around Randy] I love you.\nRandy: If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.\nScene Description: Bebe's house, night. The house is dark, so she's asleep. The camera zooms in on her, and her breasts start to blink under her gown.\nRight breast: The boys are at war. All is going as planned.\nLeft breast: Yes. Soon all the boys will be brought to their knees.\nRight breast: We grow larger every day.\nLeft breast: And stronger.\nRight breast: Soon the entire tow- [Bebe awakens]\nLeft breast: Sh! Sh! She's awake!\nRight breast: Ah, quiet.\nBebe: [shrieks and kicks her blanket off] MOM!! MOM!!\nMrs. Stevens: [rushes to Bebe's room and enters] What is it, Bebe?\nBebe: [scared] My breasts!\nMrs. Stevens: [approaches the bed, sits, and holds her] Oh, sweetheart, you're just becoming a young lady.\nBebe: No, they're conspiring! Mom, they were talking! They wanna destroy the town!\nMrs. Stevens: [beat] Yes, darling, your breasts have a power that will unleash itself as you get older. They feed off the misery of boys and grow to bring woe wherever they can. You're blossoming into a woman. [hugs her]\nBebe: That does it! I'm NOT letting these things run my life!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Hallis walks in with a file and quickly addresses his prospective client.\nDr. Hallis: Young lady, are you absolutely sure you want to consider this kind of procedure for your breasts?\nWendy: Yes! I want to get breast implants!\nMrs. Testaburger: I tried to tell her she was too young.\nDr. Hallis: Well, it is a different time, Mrs. Testaburger. Society puts a lot of pressure on your daughter to look her best. Having small breasts can make her feel unimportant.\nMrs. Testaburger: [considers the doctor's argument...] But she's eight!\nDr. Hallis: Yes, well, not too young to feel flat and therefore, not pretty.\nWendy: That's what I said.\nDr. Hallis: However, young lady, I'm afraid breast implants are not for everyone. [takes out a notepad] I'll need to carefully assess your physical and mental condition to see if augmentation is truly the best way for you to go.\nWendy: I have three thousand dollars, cash. [her mom blanches]\nDr. Hallis: [quickly disposes of the pad and pen, then rises and leaves the desk] You pass. Let's do this thing.\nMrs. Testaburger: [mortified] Oh, wait. You're gonna do it right now?\nDr. Hallis: Suuure. Breast augmentation is now a very simple procedure. [holds Wendy's right arm up and points to the armpit] What we do is make a small incision in the armpit where it won't be seen. Then we take this little plastic bag and gently place it in the chest where we fill it with salt water.\nMrs. Testaburger: I still don't know about this.\nDr. Hallis: Look. Us plastic surgeons have one philosophy. If we can help someone's self-esteem a little, then why not do it if they have three thousand dollars?\nScene Description: Operating room, moments later. Wendy is hooked up and sedated. The first incision is made to the left armpit and the flesh pulled back hard. The nurse hands the doctor the first implant, which he shoves in Wendy's chest.\nDr. Hallis: [shove] Cha! [shove] Gotta! [shove] Jam it! [shove] Up there! [shove] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [shoves faster] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [the implant is finally in place; everything is covered in blood] Hah! [wipes his brow] Okay, there's one, Wendy. Doing great.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Mackey is back teaching the class. The kids are at their seats. The boys are being apes, and the girls look scared.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. Kids, we need to talk about your failing grades.\nClyde: [in primal mode] Bebe! Where Bebe?! Bebe! Bebe! [he and a few others grunt a bit]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, we all need to start studying more and fighting less, m'kay? [the grunts start up again]\nBradley: Bebe! [more grunts.]\nStan: Ahta! [more grunts. Bebe enters wearing a cardboard box over her clothes. The boys quiet down.]\nBebe: Hey guys. [a few boys grunt back with \"Hi!!\" \"Hey.\" \"Hm.\" as she heads for her seat. The boys are confused.]\nCraig: Have you guys noticed that Bebe isn't as cool as she used to be? [Bebe smiles at her uncoolness]\nToken: Yeah. What the hell happened to us?\nStan: Oh my God. I get it now. It was Bebe's boobs.\nCartman: Bebe's boobs?\nBebe: Oh cool! It worked!\nStan: Don't you guys see? Boobs... do something to our brains. They fill our brains with illusions.\nKyle: Sssss-so ...Bebe ...didn't become smart and cool? It was just her boobs?\nBebe: Yes!\nCartman: So, Bebe is actually just as lame as she ever was?\nBebe: Right. My boobs just clouded your judgment.\nKyle: But that sucks. I don't want something to have that much power over me.\nStan: I don't think it will, you guys, as long as we realize it. We must learn to control their power over us.\nClyde: Yeah. Screw boobs! They're stupid!\nCraig: I'm sorry for fighting, you guys. [all the boys leave their seats and start apologizing to each other, hugging each other]\nMr. Mackey: [moved by this display of affection] Aw, that's so sweet, m'kay?\nClyde: Let's never let boobs come between us again!\nThe Boys: Hear Hear!\nKyle: Boobs are stupid!\nWendy: [enters with her new, ample implants] Hi, everybody. [the boys look at her for a long while, then start laughing heartily. Wendy is stunned at the response]\nClyde: Look at those ridiculous things!\nButters: [steps up and touches the left breast] Oooo, they're all hard and oogey!\nCartman: What a stupid bitch! [the boys start laughing again. Butters is laughing hard, but realizes that his finger is still on Wendy's breast.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Tweek's house, night. He's on the sofa looking at news.\nNews anchor: [News 4] And in other news, another school shooting has taken place, this time in Idaho. As these kinds of shooting increase, one thing becomes clear: Your children are not safe at school.\nTweek: Oh God! [frantically fishes for the remote control] Change it! Change it! [finds it and changes channels]\nNews anchor: [News 5] This was the second time a terrorist threat has been made on a theme park, leaving everyone to realize that children are not safe outside.\nTweek: Agh! God, change it!! [clicks through a few channels]\nNews anchor: [SNN, with weather bar at bottom] And it seems there's a new danger to look out for: children who are taken by strangers. The bottom line: children are not safe... in their own homes!\nTweek: [throws a fit] Aaaah!!\nMrs. Tweak: [arrives] Tweek.\nTweek: Gahahghah!\nMrs. Tweak: Tweek? Come to the kitchen, sweetie. We need to see you real quick. [leaves. Tweek soon follows]\nScene Description: Kitchen. Richard is at table as Tweek arrives. Tweek's mom is serving coffee. There are two coffee makers in the background.\nTweek: Oh God. They're gonna get me.\nRichard: Sit down and have some coffee, son. [Tweek climbs onto his seat and takes a sip, then several more] Tweek, there's starting to be a lot of reports in the news about children being abducted, and we thought we should talk.\nTweek: [points to the TV] I s-I saw! Uuuh!\nMrs. Tweak: You know never to talk to strangers, right Tweek? You can't trust anybody.\nTweek: [panting] Oh God! Huh!\nRichard: Now, we don't want to alarm you, son, but we've installed new locks on your bedroom windows and door. It's important for you to know never to unlock them at night for anyone except your mother and I.\nTweek: [panting] Oh Jesus! Huh!\nMrs. Tweak: It's just a precaution, sweetie. Probably nothing will ever happen.\nScene Description: The Tweek house, after bedtime. Tweek is in his bed having a nightmare.\nTweek: No, ...NO! They're gonna get me! [wakes up] GAAAH! Huh, huh, huh-oh, oh God. [holds himself] Uh, just a dream. [gasps. His bedroom windows are open and the curtains are softly blowing in the breeze] OH MY GOD!! [quickly jumps up and closes the windows. Four knocks are heard at the door] GAAAH!! [throws the blanket over his head. Two more knocks, and then]\nVoice: [on the other side of the door] Tweek! This is Officer Daniels! Now, try and stay calm, but we believe an abductor is in your room!\nTweek: ...Inside my room? Oh God!\nVoice: Give it up, buddy! We've got ya surrounded! Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly but quickly walk to the door and come out to us!\nTweek: [thinks and looks around] Oh my God! [hops down and makes his way to the door] Oh! Oh! Jesus, see me through this. [opens the door and steps out, only to find a gun to his face. He gasps, then] AAAHH!\nVoice: Bang! [the gun is withdrawn] You're dead, Tweek. [the camera zooms out to show Mr. Tweek holding the gun]\nTweek: [look up bewildered] What?\nRichard: You failed the test, son. Didn't I tell you not to open the door for anybody except your mother and I?\nTweek: [a bit panicked] Oh God! Oh Jesus!\nMrs. Tweak: [walks up and stands next to Richard at the doorway] What if that had been a child abductor pretending to be a police officer, Tweek?\nRichard: He would have sprayed your brains all over the floor and then taken your body off to the woods. [Tweek shakes his head in frustration and whimpers] You've got to be on your toes, Tweek. Alright, now go to bed and get some rest.\nMrs. Tweak: 'Night, pumpkin. [his dad closes the door and locks it, then the parents go off to bed. Tweek turns to go to bed, but looks distraught]\nScene Description: The Bijou, next day. \"Men In Black II\" is showing. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Tweek walk up to the ticket booth.\nStan: I hope this movie doesn't suck ass.\nKyle: It will.\nCartman: [orders his ticket first] One please.\nTweek: [stopping Cartman] Wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker guy!\nKyle: So?\nTweek: So? I don't know him!\nCartman: Dude, relax.\nTweek: You relax! What if he wants to kill me?! AAAAAAAA!! [runs away]\nCartman: Gah, what the hell do his parents do to him?\nScene Description: Down the road. Tweek is running, but soon tires out. A car pulls up and the driver looks out the passenger window.\nDriver: 'Scuse me, is this the right road to Breckenridge.\nTweek: [looks up] AAH! Uh...\nDriver: Please, I just need to know if this is \"South Park\"?\nTweek: Get away from meee! [runs off again. The confused driver looks at him go]\nScene Description: A street corner. Tweek arrives there and stops to catch his breath. An elderly lady walks up and taps his hair. Tweek screams and jumps back. The crossing signal says \"WALK,\" so it's alright for both to cross the street.\nElderly lady: Could you help me across the street?\nTweek: I don't know you! [runs across the street] Ah, AAAH!\nScene Description: The outskirts of town. Tweek is running and arrives at some train tracks. A man in a wheelchair sits between the tracks. He looks behind to see that no one has followed him.\nMan in wheelchair: Oh, hey, kid! [Tweek looks over] Oh, thank God you happened by. My- my chair ran out of juice right on these train tracks. If you hadn't had shown up, well... Well, anyway, could you give me a push?\nTweek: Huh uh!\nMan in wheelchair: No, no, you don't understand. I'm, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. I push the chair with this device in front of my mouth, but it's it's not working, so you see-\nTweek: I'm not supposed to talk to you!\nMan in wheelchair: Please, this, this isn't funny, kid. You have to help me.\nTweek: But it could be a trick! [a train zooms by, taking the paralyzed man with it. Tweek watches it go by] Ugh. That's a pretty good trick.\nScene Description: The Tweek house, night. Tweek is again asleep, peacefully. A light fills the room and rouses him from his sleep. At the foot of the bed is a man dressed in a robe. He holds a scepter in his right hand and wears laurel branches on his head. He is glowing, as is the bauble atop the scepter.\nTweek: AaaaAAAHH! [hides under his covers]\nMan: [speaking with authority] Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt you. I am the Ghost of Human Kindness.\nTweek: [peeks out from behind the covers] The Ghost of Human Kindness?\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: You have never seen the likes of me before.\nTweek: What do you want?\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: You have lost faith in humanity, lad. Something I cannot bear to see happen.\nTweek: Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems that everywhere I turn, someone is out to get me.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: That is the world of the news reports. It is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with, but it is not the world as it is.\nTweek: It isn't?\nScene Description: A woman enters the Shady Acres Retirement Community and heads for the front door. Tweek and the ghost arrive and follow her in.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: Look here, Tweek. This woman is on her way to the retirement home. [they arrive at the front door] She doesn't get paid; she volunteers her time to talk with lonely elderly people who want nothing more than a friend. [the woman hugs an elderly lady, then moves on to other folks.] But do you hear about her on the news? No.\nScene Description: A one-story house, later. Tweek and the ghost reach the front window.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: Now gaze upon this humble house, Tweek. Inside there are two people who have adopted needy children. [a close-up of a man reading to his baby. Two other kids, a Japanese girl and a black boy, sit on the floor listening. The mother arrives with drinks] They were strangers to those kids once. Now they are loving parents.\nScene Description: The camera looks at a snowy sky with a full moon and pans down. Tweek and the ghost are walking down the highway.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: Now, look here, boy. [a shot of a man changing the front left tire of a Cadillac for an elderly lady. A young woman stands ready with a spare tire] A car has broken down with a flat tire, and two complete strangers have stopped to help. [the man signals for the tire, the woman rolls it to him] Will their kindness be reported on the news tomorrow? I think not.\nScene Description: South Park. Tweek and the ghost are back in town.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: Are you starting to understand, boy?\nTweek: I think so. You mean that, even though all the news is about murderers and abductors, those kind of people... only make up a very small part of the world.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: That's right, lad. So do you think you can learn to trust people now?\nTweek: I'll... try.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: Good. Then why don't you get into the back of my van, and I'll drive you home. [the camera pans to a dirty dilapidated van]\nTweek: Your van? [flashlights click on and focus on the ghost and at least five squad cars pull up to the two people]\nOfficer 1: Alright Johnson, give it up!\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: [strikes his scepter to the ground with each expletive] Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! [four officers close in with guns drawn. Tweek steps aside] Oh, I was so close!\nTweek: What the hell is going on?\nMrs. Tweak: Tweek, Tweek, are you okay?\nRichard: Did he hurt you, son?\nTweek: No.\nDetective: Then we aren't too late. His name is Frederick Johnson. He's been abducting children by dressing up like the Ghost of Human Kindness for over a year now.\nThe Ghost of Human Kindness: And I would have gotten away with it again if it weren't for you meddling policemen! [the policemen escort him away. A wide shot shows the Stotches, the Williamses and the Marshes viewing the arrest in their pajamas. Liane Cartman walks up in her gown. She's wearing a facial treatment mask]\nLiane: What's going on?\nSharon: A stranger was caught trying to abduct the Tweak boy.\nSheila: [the Broflovskis arrive in their pajamas] An abductor in our town?\nSteve: Oh my God, what are we gonna do?\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, next day. The townsfolk are clamoring outside the front door.\nTownsfolk: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!\nMayor McDaniels: People, people, calm down.\nRandy: Well, what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We have to stop these abductors from being able to get into our town!\nTownsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...\nMayor McDaniels: Yes, but standing out here yelling \"Rabble rabble rabble\" isn't going to help anything.\nJimbo: Well, we don't know what else to do, Mayor!\nTownsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble!\nMayor McDaniels: [gestures for them to quiet down, and they do] People, what do you think we need to do?\nGerald: [thinks] Uh, well, we need to find a way to close our town off from unwanted strangers!\nSheila: Yes, we need a barrier to protect our kids.\nTownsfolk: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!\nRandy: Wait, that's it. A wall. We could build a huge city wall all around South Park so that we have complete control over who comes in.\nRichard: That's... not a bad idea, a city wall.\nSheila: But who can we get to build it?\nScene Description: City Wok, later. Several adults are in the restaurant.\nMayor McDaniels: ...And so, we want you to design and build a great wall, all around the city.\nTuong Lu Kim: I don' build wall. I just own un' operate City Wok.\nGerald: We just think that you're the best person to put up a wall. We're sure you've got it in your blood.\nTuong Lu Kim: [thinks a moment] Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!\nSharon: Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim.\nRandy: Your ancestors put up a great wall that kept Mongolians out for thousands of years. We know you can do it for us.\nScene Description: Outside South Park, some weeks later. A great wall has gone up around South Park, enclosing it like a medieval wall. This is the Great Wall of South Park. Tuong, dressed in his restaurant's uniform, is laying down some bricks. He hears some horses and look up. Some Mongolians have arrived and drawn their swords. They chip away at the wall.\nTuong Lu Kim: Hey. Hey hey! [rushes over to the gap the Mongolians are creating] Hey, what the hell you doing?! [the Mongolian leader says a few words] Mongorians? What the hell Mongorians doing here? [the Mongolians keep attacking the wall] Ey, fuck you, Mongorians! Tryin' break down my wall! [starts throwing bricks at the Mongolians] Get out of here, fuckin' Mongorians! [the Mongolians turn and ride away] God-damnit, how come every time us Chinese put up a wall, stupid Mongorians have to come and knock it down?\nScene Description: South Park, now encircled by the Great Wall, later.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room. Stan is on the sofa watching TV. His parents enter. Randy is carrying a box.\nRandy: Stan, our abduction problems are over. We got the new Child Tracker.\nStan: Child Tracker?\nSharon: It's a little electrical device that can tell us where you are anywhere on Earth.\nRandy: If anybody takes you, we'll be able to locate your exact location within two meters.\nScene Description: Moments later, Randy finishes installing the Tracker, and both parents smile.\nRandy: There, I think that's got it. [Stan is now wearing a very elaborate helmet with several antennae, a red light, and a small satellite dish sitting on top.]\nStan: ...Dude, no way! I'm not wearing Child Tracker!\nRandy: You can barely even tell you have one on.\nStan: I'm not going to school like this! What will all the other guys say?!\nSharon: I wouldn't worry about that.\nScene Description: School bus stop, next day. Stan is wearing his tracker. Kyle, Cartman, and Tweek are wearing their own trackers. All trackers are activated.\nCartman: So weak. So weak, dude. Man.\nKyle: Why did you go and have to be abducted, Tweek? Now all our parents are freaking out!\nTweek: I didn't mean to.\nScene Description: The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong finishes the repairs on the damaged section.\nTuong Lu Kim: Okay. Finary. [looks around] Oh no. [picks up a telescope, with \"Mongolian Telescope written on it and looks through it. He finds the Mongolians attacking the wall at a position far off] It's those God-damned Mongorians again! Stop! Stop right there, Mongorians! [a shot from inside a tower of Tuong running down the rampart] God-damnit, stop! [a far shot of Tuong running down the rampart] Stop breaking down my city wall you stupid Mongoriaaans! [finally arrives at the source of the noise] Ay, you sons of bitches, you- [sees a ruse. Clothes were placed on twigs and a tape player plays a recording of Mongolian noises] What the hell? [straightens up] Oh, shit! [looks off to his right to see the Mongolians attacking the part of the wall he was at before] OH, GOD-DAMNED MONGORIANS!! [runs back along the rampart to the Mongolians] I'm gonna get you, fuckin' Mongorians! Don't break down my city wall! [reaches the new gap and the Mongolians ride away] Oh, God-damnit! [the Mongolian leader says something. Tuong calls out after them] That's the last time you're gonna break down my city wall! You hear me, Mongorians?! [goes about repairing the wall] God-damned Mongorians.\nScene Description: A baseball field. A cheer comes up from the bleachers. A close-up shows the townsfolk rooting for their Cows.\nRichard: Alright, Cows, We're gonna go out there and we're gonna give 'em hell! [the boys are wearing their Child Trackers. Cartman is the catcher, Stan is the pitcher]\nKyle: But, wait. Where's the other team? [the field is shown. The opposing bullpen is empty and there are no opposing players on the field. There's no visiting team out there.]\nRandy: There is no other team.\nStan: Huh?\nRichard: Well, we've... put a wall around the city to keep outsiders out. You don't think we want a bunch of strangers coming in to play ball, do you?\nStan: But if there is no other team, then it won't be any fun.\nRandy: Don't worry, it'll still be fun for us. [takes a sip of his beer. Richard sips from his beer can, then other townsfolk in the bleachers sip from their beer cans. The Cows take positions on the field]\nTownsfolk: Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows!\nJimbo: [umpire] Play ball! [Stan looks at the people in the stands, then pitches to Cartman] Steeeeee-riiike!!\nTownsfolk: [standing and cheering] Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah!\nScene Description: Crust E. Krotch's Pizza, Corral, night. The town is in there celebrating a victory. Ned is playing \"Thirst For Blood\".\nJimbo: [raises a mug of beer] South Park Cows do it again!\nSharon: Congratulations on your victory, boys. [Cartman is already eating a slice of pizza]\nKyle: Dude, we weren't playing anybody.\nRandy: Yeah, and you kicked ass!\nRoger: Isn't it awesome havin' a great wall around our city? Nobody in town except for our good friends.\nTownsfolk: Yeahah! Alright! Yeah. Right on! Right on!\nRichard: [calling attention to the TV] Guys! Sh, quiet everyone. [the news is on]\nNews anchor: [in gray jacket] And this newest study reveals more about child abductions than we apparently knew before, Tom. [the adults move closer to the TV]\nSharon: Turn it up.\nTom: [in brown jacket] That's right, Chris. This newest study shows that the majority of child abductions are NOT committed by strangers, but by somebody the child knows in their own town. [the adults start looking at the others around them, at each other.] The report further states that it is because the child trusts the individual that problems occur in the first place.\nChris: Well, I guess this means the enemy is in our own backyard, so to speak.\nTom: Sure does, Tom.\nChris: Alright, thanks, Chris. Is the weather going to turn su- [click. The parents go to their kids and they depart one by one]\nRichard: Well, if you'll all excuse us, I think we'll be going now. [takes Tweek, and the family leaves. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman remain, eating]\nGerald: [walks up] Yeah. Come along, Kyle [the Broflovskis leave. Stan and Cartman remain]\nSharon: Stanley, time for us to get back to the house.\nStan: [mouth full] I'm not done with my pizza.\nSharon: NOW, Stanley! [whisks him off. Randy follows, looking at Cartman, left all alone with his mom]\nScene Description: The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong is working on something behind a brick shield.\nTuong Lu Kim: Eh. Eh, eh, there we go. [pulls out a large weapon] All finished. My Mongolian Missile Defense system. [a bazooka reading \"MONGOLIAN ERADICATOR.\" He mounts it on his shoulder and takes aim. Next, he sets it down and drops a missile into it] Those Mongolians try to break down my city wall again, they gonna get a big heat-seeking missile surprise! [hoofbeats are heard and the Mongolians are once again present and ready to attack. Tuong sees them and taunts them] Oh! Hello Mongolians. Yeah. You come to break down my city wall? [the leader holds out a baseball] Oh, you gonna throw that baseball at my wall? [feigns despair] Oh no! Not a baseball! I'm pretty scared. [the leader tosses the ball in the air straight up] Well, you know what? I might have something here that's a little bigger than a baseball. [arms himself with the bazooka, setting it at hip level] Say hello to my little friend! [fires the missile and watches it go towards the Mongolians. One of the Mongolians pours gasoline on the ball. The leader reaches back to get a lighter from another Mongolian and sets the ball on fire. The missile gets close to them. The leader throws the ball at Tuong and the missile follows the ball. The ball hits the wall and drops to the snow. Tuong realizes what this means] Aw, crap. [the missile strikes the ball and blows a new gap into the great wall. After the smoke clears, Tuong is lying in the rubble, clearly hurt] Ooohhhh [the leader draws his sword and the Mongolians have a good laugh about this incident. Then they turn and ride off, laughing.] God-damned Mongolians!! You break down my city wall foda last time!!\nScene Description: South Park, the bus stop, next day. The parents are present with the boys as they wait for the school bus.\nStan: Dude, this is worse than Child Tracker.\nRichard: 'Sokay, boys. Just act as if we weren't here.\nSharon: Right. Do what you normally would do.\nKyle: [volunteers] You're such a fatass, Cartman.\nCartman: At least I'm not a stupid Jew.\nSheila: What-what-whaaat?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The bell rings and the class begins. Mr. Mackey is at the board.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, so, now, who can tell me what year the first moon landing took place? [a shot of the class with all parents present] Uh, how about you, Clyde?\nRoger: [whispers into Clyde's ear] Nineteen six-\nMr. Mackey: No helping! [Mr. Donovan looks around, embarrassed, and stands up] M'kay, I'm not really sure havin' all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?\nRichard: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!\nStephen: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!\nRichard: Oh yeah?! [the other parents begin to bicker except for Liane who hugs his son.]\nMr. Mackey: Oh, this is too much to take. [goes to his desk, where his own parents wait, and sits down.] Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?\nMr. Mackey's Father: We just wanna make sure nobody hurts you, Junior, m'kay?\nMr. Mackey: M'kay.\nScene Description: Great Wall of South Park. Mr. Lu Kim wheels a vat of boiling fluid to one of the openings.\nTuong Lu Kim: Hahahaha! My masterpiece! [stirs his concoction] When those Mongolians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Haha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongolians'll stick ahright up to the wall! And scream \"UhwOoOoOoOoo!\" Oh I can't wait. [hears something to his left. He looks and sees a wooden horse on wheels rolling up to the gate. He studies the horse and tries to think what to make of it] Oh, I get it. A Trojan Mongolian horse. Mongolians a-hiding inside thinking that I'll bring it in city wall, then Mongolians pop out and destroy wall from the inside out without gettin' any sweet and sour pork on their heads! Okay. I'll pray around. [starts to feign gratitude, moves to the rampart above the gate] Oh! Oh rook! Rook, my very own Mongorian Trojan horse! Gee, what a surprise! I guess Mongorians aren't such crappy, smelly people after all! [makes his way down the stairs near a tower and reaches the side door] Yeah. Great! Rwow! [opens the side door and walks over to the horse carrying a fireman's ax.] Yeah, what a great present! I'm just gonna push it inside the gate and show it to all my friends. [pulls down a door handle under the horse. Two doors open above him and release some seweet and sour pork on him, forcing him to the ground. He finds it hard to move around] Oh, it's sweet and sour pork! [The Mongolians ride up again and attack the wall with their swords. Tuong speaks, but his words become less familiar, due to the stickiness of the sauce] Oh! I'm going to get you Nogodians, if it's the last thing I do!\nScene Description: The Tweek house, night. The parents are in the living room sitting together on the sofa watching TV and sharing a bag of popcorn. A blanket covers their legs. The surroundings show an iron door where the front door is, and roll-down iron blinds over the windows.\nNews anchor: [News 4] And so all the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger. And in other news, new findings on the increase in child abductions.\nRichard: Oh Jesus, turn it up, honey!\nNews anchor: The study shows that the most likely abductors of children... are the parents themselves! [the two adults are somewhat stunned] The study reveals that nine out of every ten abduction cases are committed by the child's mother or father. The bottom line being that your children aren't safe, even from you! [Tweek's mom rises from the couch and walks away from it. Richard watches her go]\nRichard: Where are you going?\nMrs. Tweak: Uh... I'm just going to go upstairs and see if Tweek is still in his bed.\nRichard: Oh? [puts the popcorn and blanket aside and rises] I think I'll go with you.\nMrs. Tweak: It's okay. I can do it.\nRichard: I just want to make sure that you-\nMrs. Tweak: That I don't abduct him? How do I know that you haven't done it already?\nRichard: Me? I would never abduct our son!\nMrs. Tweak: That's not what the new study says!\nRichard: [wipes his forehead, then] Well what are we supposed to do, eh-? How can we protect Tweek from ourselves? [both parents look upstairs]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The families gather on a neighborhood street. The parents are hugging their kids.\nRandy: [hands Stan some money] Here you go, Stanley. This should hold you over for three years.\nStan: But why do I have to leave?\nRandy: The news says that at your age you aren't safe with us, son. You have to get out of here before we abduct you.\nSharon: Good-bye, son. [hugs Stan and sobs softly] Remember to eat right.\nGerald: [wistfully] Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're the man now.\nSheila: Oh, boys! Don't ever forget that we love you! [Gerald hugs Kyle, Sheila hugs Ike. They begin to cry, and the other adults follow. They leave their kids and huddle, then turn around, crying all the while]\nLinda: Be careful out there!\nStan: Where are we supposed to go?\nRandy: We can't tell you because we can't know where you are! [turns back to cry with Sharon]\nSheila: Oh, this is terrible! [turns and cries with Gerald]\nRoger: Go on, kids! Go! Go and don't look back! [turns and hugs his wife. The adults are bawling now. Token is the first to leave, and the other kids follow him]\nRandy: Good-bye, kids. We'll... never forget you. [the adults continue crying. Stephen pulls out a ram's horn and blows into it a few times]\nStan: Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.\nA Woman: [in the crowd, crying] Oh my God.\nScene Description: The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong is still congealed under the sweet and sour sauce the Mongolians dumped on him, but the Trojan Mongolian horse is gone. A dog walks by and sniffs.\nTuong Lu Kim: Ah. Hey daw. O'er 'ere. O'er 'ere, dog. Got som'in sweet and souh foh ya. [the dog walks over and starts licking the sauce away] Good dog! That's it! Keep licking, dog!\nScene Description: Some time later. Tuong runs along the ramparts of the wall, finally freed from the sweet and sour pork that had held him in place.\nTuong Lu Kim: Hahahahahaaa! I'm free, Mongolians! And now I'm gonna make you PAY!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy is at the sofa watching the news.\nNews anchor: Finally, some good news tonight. It's been several days since any child abductions have taken place. The main reason: parents don't know where their children are. [Sharon, at the window, sighs. Randy turns and looks at her. Snow flakes float down outside]\nRandy: What's the matter? [stands up]\nSharon: Oh, it's just... I was wondering if Stan's okay.\nRandy: [walks up to her] Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere safe by now. [puts his hand on her back]\nSharon: Do you really think we did the right thing, Randy? Sending all the young kids in town off to live on their own?\nRandy: [faces her, makes her face him] Sweetheart, you saw the news...\nSharon: I know. [they turn back to the window]\nRandy: Don't you worry. I'm sure that Stan and all the other kids are somewhere safe, off in a whole new city by now, making a new life for themselves.\nScene Description: A Mongolian camp outside the Great Wall of South Park, night. The Mongolians are roasting and enjoying small animals, and drying the hides near a tent. The town's kids are now with them, wearing new clothes.\nLeader: Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush.\nStan: Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai. [the Mongolians laugh]\nMongolian: [in blue] De bandig baeakhalah?\nCartman: Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah.\nTweek: Triben fak burushban.\nAll: Shain balag!\nScene Description: The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong pops up outside the wall dressed in imperial attire.\nTuong Lu Kim: Awright, Mongolians! Your only way through this wall is through me. This is my rast stand! I'm gonna do my war dance now. [begins a chant and dances for a few seconds, then stops] Does my war dance ascare you, Mongolians? Yeah, you think you want a piece of this? [resumes his dance. Seeing Tuong engrossed in his dance, the children move some explosives to a spot against the wall. Token peeks to make sure everything is in place. The kids then walk back to the Mongolians, past Tuong...] This is ancient Chinese dance of a- Oh, herro kids. Uh be careful, there's a-Mongolians up there. [resumes his dance as the kids line up before the Mongolians. Stan hands the detonator to the Mongolian leader, who holds it for a while. Tuong notices the wire stretching between the Mongolians and the explosives against the wall] Oh, crap! [the explosives blow up, knocking Tuong towards the Mongolians and leaving a big gap in the wall. The kids and the Mongolians have a good laugh. The adults in town come to see the commotion]\nRandy: What's going on?\nLiane: I heard an explosion.\nTuong Lu Kim: [battered, comes into view] God-damned Mongolians attacked city wall again! [The kids and the Mongolians have a good laugh again.]\nMillard Anderson: Mongolians?\nRandy: What the hell are they doin' here?! Rabble! Rabble rabble!\nAdults: Rabble rabble rabble rabble!\nRichard: Wait a minute. Those Mongolians are... our children. [a shot of the kids and Mongolians]\nSheila: Ike? Kyle?\nSharon: My son has become a Mongolian? No! Noooo!! [buries her head in Randy's chest]\nRichard: Oh God. What have we done? We sent our children away, and now they don't even remember who they are.\nRoger: Kids? Don't you remember us?\nRandy: Wait wait. I learned some Mongolian in college. [steps forth] Ah, let's see. Uh. K-kids, uh, Bi kute. Bi salnek kute. Uh-d tah tasobarro.\nStan: [\"Budu e noo\"] Oh my God, our parents are so stupid, dude. [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his right hand]\nRandy: Bi kute.\nRoger: We are your parents. You used to live here, with us.\nKyle: Yeah, it was like four days ago!\nRichard: They're starting to remember.\nRandy: [walks quickly and kneels next to Stan] Staaan. Your name... is Staaan!\nStan: Uh huh, Stan Marsh.\nRandy: [holds Stan firmly] That's it! Remember, son! Rememmmber! [the rest of the parents rush out and hug their own kids, crying in relief]\nRichard: We're sorry, Tweek!\nRoger: Are you okay, Clyde?\nStephen: [Butters' parents hug the wrong person - the Mongolian leader] Oh, son, can you ever forgive us?\nButters: Huh, I'm over here, Dad.\nStephen: Oh. [he and Linda rush to hug him]\nSheila: We're sorry, kids. We just let all those sensationalist news reports go to our heads.\nRichard: Oh my God, do you see what this means? The Ghost of Human Kindness was right all along.\nRoger: You mean how he said we should trust each other, or how he abducted children?\nRichard: The uh... no, the part about being more trusting. We should follow what he said, not what he did.\nAdults: Wow, yeah. Oh yeah.\nRandy: No, no. You know who was right all along? The Mongolians. [a shot of the Mongolians] They knew that you just can't wall yourself off from the outside world. Putting walls up never helps anything. Tearing them down brings us together.\nAdults: Whoa! Wow. Right!\nStephen: Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah.\nTuong Lu Kim: Aw, you'd better not say what I think you're gonna say.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh, God! I hate this whole shitty!\nSharon: Randy, can we just take our son home now?\nRandy: Yes, kids. [steps forward] With us, now come. Home. Hoomme. [all turn and walk towards town through the gap in the great wall]\nStan: [to Kyle] Jesus Christ, dude, they've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ. [faces forward and continues walking]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, city sidewalk, day. Stan, Cartman and Kyle head for a bright, colorful store called \"Lolly's Candy Factory.\" Cartman carries three buckets: two on his back, supported by a crossbar, and a huge one on his head. The proprietor, Lolly, opens the door and sets a sign so it reads \"OPEN,\" thus starting his business day. On his red apron is a large yellow lollipop with \"LOLLY\" printed over it. The boys stop and look.\nLolly: [notices the kids and straightens up] Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop.\nStan: We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial last night. We're here to do the shopping spree!\nLolly: Oh that's great!\nCartman: You bet your fat clown ass it is!\nLolly: Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket stub.\nCartman: [the boys' jaws drop a bit] ...ticket stub?\nLolly: You know. When you entered the contest you got the other half of this ticket. [display the store's half of the ticket]\nStan: Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub?\nKyle: It was such a long time ago!\nCartman: Wu-we don't really \"need\" the ticket stub, do we?\nLolly: Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high?? How else do I know you're the winners?\nStan: Because our names were called on the commercial last night!\nLolly: Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree. If you find it, you can come back, but you only have one week to claim the prize. That's called \"The Ticking Clock.\" Works great in the movies. [steps backwards into the store and closes the door. The boys look at the door for a few seconds, then Cartman turns and steps forward]\nCartman: [drops the buckets] GODDAMMIT!!!\nStan: We've gotta find that ticket!\nKyle: Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c- I can't remember.\nCartman: You guys we've got to focus! We've got to focus, and remember. [Zoom in on Cartman, who starts remembering...]\nScene Description: Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago. Kenny is still alive back then.\nLolly: [hands a ticket stub to Stan] All right. There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. You'll need it to claim your prize. [looks at the rest of the store] Sign up for the five-minute shopping spree!! [walks off]\nStan: [hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it.\nCartman: [takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle.\nKyle: Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [hands the stub to Kenny]\nKenny: (Okay.) [takes it and pockets it]\nScene Description: Back to the present. The boys realize Kenny was the last to hold the stub as their mouths open.\nCartman: [bolts away] Kenny!!!\nStan, Kyle: [following quickly] AAAHHH!! [the buckets stay on the ground and the boys rush to Kenny's house]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, later. The boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle rings the doorbell.\nStuart: [opens the door] Yes?\nStan: Where's Kenny??\nStuart: Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. Don't you remember?\nKyle: We know he's dead. We mean, where is his body??\nCarol: His body? Well, why??\nCartman: Because he has the God-damned ticket for the-!\nStan: [shuts Cartman up quick and stumbles for words] Uh, look. We just really miss our friend and, ah, andand we need to see his remains for closure.\nKyle: Yeah. Closure.\nCartman: [muffled] What the fuck is closure?!\nCarol: Oh all right boys. Come on in. [the boys follow the McCormicks in]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, inside. The boys follow the parents through the house.\nStuart: We haven't seen you boys for so long, we thought you'd forgotten all about him.\nCarol: Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny. [an urn is shown, with pictures of Kenny on either side of it.]\nCartman: You turned him into a teapot?\nStuart: No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside it.\nCarol: Your friends are here to see you, Kenny. [picks up the urn and caresses it.] They miss you an awful lot, like we all do. [starts crying]\nStuart: Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, it means a lot to us. [turns to his wife and consoles her] Aw now, honey. [joins her in sobbing]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a window and that piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the circle down and looks around. He reaches up to open the window latch, then opens the window door. He slips in and goes for the urn. He pulls out a fake detector and moves it around.\nCartman: Wewewewewewe...\nStan: [climbs up to the window and looks in] Did you get it? [Kyle climbs up next to him]\nCartman: Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards. [resumes the detection] Wewewewewewe...\nKyle: There's not gonna be any robot guards, retard! Just get Kenny! [Cartman looks back at the boys angrily, gets Kenny's urn, and climbs back out the window. Seconds later, a robot guard does indeed move through the living room...]\nRobot Guard: Wewewewewewe...\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night, kitchen. The boys rush to the counter and climb up on the stools.\nKyle: Alright, we made it!\nStan: Kenny'd better have the ticket stub with him in there!\nKyle: Let him out, Cartman! [Cartman opens the urn and the boys duck]\nCartman: ...Kenny? [the boys lose their fear and rise up to look at the urn] Kenny?!\nKyle: Is he in there?\nStan: I can't see. [Cartman pours out the ashes and the boys sneeze from the fine powder until it dissipates. Some ash smudges remain on their faces.]\nCartman: What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk mix?!\nKyle: I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea pot! [Cartman samples the ashes]\nStan: It was a trick!\nCartman: God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate milk mix!\nStan: Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now! We're dumb enough to believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot!\nKyle: Why would they play such a cruel joke on us?\nCartman: Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people don't have anything better to do than piss other people off! Don't you watch Springer?!\nStan: We just have to face it. We're not gonna get Kenny back and we're not gonna have our shopping spree. It's over! [gets off his stool and walks away.]\nKyle: Goddamnit! There has to be a way! [leaves his stool and follows Stan out. Cartman looks at the ashes, then thinks of something]\nCartman: Hmmm. [leaves his stool and returns with some milk, a glass, and a spoon. He scoops up some ashes and drops them into the glass. He pours the milk onto the ashes, stirs them up, and drinks the milk ] Hmm, not bad. [scoops some more ashes into the milk]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand. The camera zooms out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog. Cartman tosses in his bed and his dream appears. A circle appears. Outside of the circle is a lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's point of view. The surroundings seen in that circle indicates that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.\nCarol: Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly]\nCartman: [sits up, eyes wide open] Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate milk mix agreed with my stomach. [growls a bit, turns to sleep, and farts. The door flies open and Stan and Kyle rush in]\nStan: Cartman, come on!\nCartman: [sits up again] What what? [sees who it is] Jesus, you buttholes! It's six in the morning!\nStan: Kyle figured out a way to get our winning ticket stub back from Kenny!\nCartman: How?\nKyle: A ladder to heaven. [unfolds some blueprints] We build it, climb up, and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny.\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel. The design is a slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky. The camera pulls back to show the boys hammering boards into place. Stan's parents step outside to see the construction.\nRandy: Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse you should start with the floor.\nStan: [going for some more wood] We're not building a clubhouse, we're building a ladder to heaven.\nRandy: A ladder to heaven? Why, son?\nStan: Because we wanna see Kenny again. [heaves a piece of wood back to the tower]\nSharon: [after a moment of though] Oh... oh, that's so sweet.\nRandy: That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've ever heard.\nJimbo: [approaching] Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh... [sees the boys' activity] What the hell are they doing?\nRandy: The boys wanna see their dead friend Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building a ladder to heaven.\nJimbo: Awwww.\nSheila: [arriving with Gerald] Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough.\nRandy: No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys were just... building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend, Kenny.\nGerald: A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God. [begins to sob]\nSheila: Oh, that's so touching. [begins to sob. All the adults begin to cry. The boys continue building]\nScene Description: Behind Stan's house, day. A reporter has arrived and now begins his report.\nField reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where last December, eight-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. But now, that little boy's three closest friends miss their friend so much that they are building a ladder to heaven, in order to- [chokes as the camera reaches the tower, then gathers himself] a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again. [sighs] It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's what some people had to say.\nRandy: Well, our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and... and that he thought it would work... [begins to break down] if he... built the ladder to heaven.\nSheila: [sobbing] They just believe in their little hearts that it will work. We can't tell them it won't, we just can't!\nJimbo: [wistful] It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is. [starts sobbing. Other people are show crying: Marietta Kitchin, Carrie Ayers & Steve Stegman]\nMr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.\nMayor McDaniels: [sobbing with her aides] These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss. Who are we to tell them it's impossible?\nField reporter: Tom, people from all over the- [chokes] Sorry. [gets back on track] People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder, feeling a connection to its symbolism, and beauty. Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up with a song he has written about the ladder. [camera pulls back to show Jackson to the reporter's left, strumming a guitar] Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song, \"Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning,\" about the tragedies on September 11. And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions. Let's listen in. [focus shifts to Jackson]\nAlan Jackson: Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind of gay?\nTownsman: What a beautiful song. [the boys look down at Jackson]\nAlan Jackson: Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven. Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry] I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___ Eleven. Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale right here! [the crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson is pleased at the interest. The boys resume their construction. Stan and Kyle are hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman hustles up the ladder with a car seat]\nKyle: Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.\nCartman: I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car. [hands it to the other two boys, who put it in place]\nStan: Mr. Garrison threw away his car?\nCartman: ...No. [the boys let the seat drop] Ey! Euuugh.\nScene Description: Flashback #2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.\nCarol: Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly]\nStuart: Kenny, do you by any chance know what happened to my Playboys? [shows Kenny a centerfold, which shows a circle where the centerfold's crotch should be. He lifts the centerfold high enough to look through the hole] Kenny?! Answer me!! [back to the present - Cartman looks dazed]\nKyle: Cartman? Cartman?!\nCartman: [startled] Wha-uh, what?? What?\nKyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!\nCartman: I don't know. It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off.\nKyle: Maybe you got brain cancer.\nCartman: Do you think?\nStan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it!\nScene Description: SNN newscast. Graphics are shown indicating 74% of Americans believe in the ladder.\nSNN reporter: The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado who are building a ladder to heaven to be with their dead friend. [a picture of the boys on the ladder is shown] It's making Americans start to believe in heaven, again. [next segment has the reporter out on the street]\nWoman 1: Well when I see how this ladder has brought people together, how... how it has changed America, I mean, how can I not believe?\nSNN reporter: [off screen] Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder to heaven?\nFat man: If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder is my penis... [the camera moves away quickly, but the man keeps up] and the pearly gates are the- [static... the camera pulls back to show the reporter back at the desk, holding a TV status pattern on paper and hissing. He notices the camera and stops, putting the pattern down]\nSNN reporter: Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont- [gets some breaking news over his headset] wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We are getting reports now that Japan is building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's. Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa.\nSNN correspondent: This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started buirding its own radder to hayben. [the tower is shown with klieg lights bathing it in light] Ahready, the Japanese radder extend faaar into space [the ladder is now high enough for a space shuttle to park by and astronauts come out to work on it] and it's growing by a-one thousand miles every day. [back on the ground...] As the endeavor continues it is becoming clear that Japan will reach a-hayben before the United States. [a raspberry follows]\nScene Description: South Park, just past sunset. The neighbors have gathered around the ladder in Stan's back yard and are now singing.\nNeighbors: Nahurabo Nahurabo\nStan: Excuse me. [\"Nahurabo\"] Excuse me! [\"Nahurabo\"] Uh, we ran out of stuff. [the singing abruptly stops] We ran out of stuff to build the ladder with.\nMan 1: Oh no!\nWoman 2: Oh Jesus, no!\nAlan Jackson: Where were you when they ran out of stuff to build the ladder to heaven?\nStan: We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses for wood.\nRandy: [raises his arms high] No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this has gone on far enough.\nGerald: Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth, that they aren't really going to get to heaven. [a truck is heard arriving]\nMan 2: [at the back, by the fence] Wait! Look! [a fleet of trucks, cars, and jeeps converge on the road outside the house]\nGeneral: We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys! [behind him, military personnel bring out ladders and other construction equipment] There won't be anyone stopping this great ladder from being built today! [the crowd cheers wildly. The boys' parents are dumbstruck] Alpha Team! Get that support structure up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and recon! [the teams set about their duties]\nSoldiers: Yes sir!\nAlan Jackson: Where were you when they saved that ladder to heaven?\nKyle: [with Cartman at the top of the ladder] Man, I can't believe how much people want us to get our winning ticket back.\nCartman: Candy-shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle.\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and they almost break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first to peer over the clouds. Kyle soon joins him.\nKyle: Do you see anything?\nStan: No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??\nKyle: Grandma??\nCartman: [joins the other two boys, grunting as he gets into position] Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet!\nStan: No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven must still be a long way off.\nCartman: Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.\nKyle: Huh?\nCartman: Heaven could be like the pixie faeries of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.\nStan: What??\nCartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.\nKyle: [processes the comment] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?!\nCartman: Because Jews don't believe in heaven!\nKyle: Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven!\nCartman: Right. Your idea of heaven is getting five dollars off your matzah ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.\nKyle: HAAHH!!! [smacks Cartman on the side of the face with his left fist]\nCartman: AH! [stunned, he has another flashback. A heartbeat is heard]\nScene Description: Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives at the bus stop.\nKyle: Hey Kenny.\nStan: Hey Kenny.\nKenny: (We can watch it at my house.)\nCartman: In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He's a boy wearing orange, who's losing his pride, 'cause Kenny and his whole family reside in the ghetto, in the ghetto\nKenny: [points an accusing finger at Cartman] (Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)\nCartman: What did you say?!\nKenny: (I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)\nCartman: What did you say?!\nCartman: [in the present] I said \"Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!\" [opens his eyes and looks around] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?\nStan: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??\nCartman: I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his eyes.\nKyle: You're too fat to be Kenny.\nCartman: [amid his thoughts] You're a- stupid Jew.\nStan: Let's just keep building. We only have five more days until the shopping spree.\nScene Description: The White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush arrives at the Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive desk.\nBush: Alright, how's the ladder going, General? Are we beating the Japanese?\nGeneral: Not quite, but we have a new problem, Mr. President. Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence of threats... from Saddam Hussein.\nBush: Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him! We secretly took him out months ago!\nGeneral: Yes sir. And now we believe he's building weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.\nBush: Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't stop!\nGeneral: [flips a page on an easel, showing another page with three identical photos] These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder of what appears to be heaven. [points out an encircled object in the center photo] Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo. And here [points out an encircled object in the lower photo] we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort for making chemical weapons.\nDick Cheney: That... kinda looks like a seagull.\nGeneral: Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a seagull.\nBush: That tricky bastard!\nGeneral: Sir, you must understand our fears. We must take out those facilities. We must... [close-up] bomb heaven!\nScene Description: SNN newsroom, new poll.\nSNN reporter: SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it? The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam has to be dealt with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging pussies.\nWar protester: [in tie-dye shirt, waving a \"No War On Heaven\" sign] War is not my voice! This country is just run by rednecks and bumpkins with their guns!\nRedneck: [with baby dangling from the left hand, rifle firmly in the right hand] We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves.\nFat man: I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis were the United States... [the mic is retracted] then there would- [the cameraman tries to avoid the man, but nope] hard nipples!\nSNN reporter: [back in the newsroom] God-damnit! [holds up the snow pattern and hisses]\nScene Description: News 4 field report.\nField reporter: Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to build a ladder to heaven and capture the nation's hearts. They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there. And it could prove to be a threat to our country. President Bush will seek UN approval for military action.\nScene Description: The Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the house, in the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents sit opposite the boys at the table.\nRandy: Boys, it's really neat that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much but...\nGerald: But it's time for you to get back to school and on with your lives.\nStan: No, we have to see Kenny!\nSharon: You have to understand that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds. He was cremated.\nStan: Cremated? What's that?\nRandy: When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven and cooked until you're nothing but ashes. [the boys are alarmed]\nKyle: What?? For God's sake, why??\nSheila: [half-annoyed] Kyle, it's just what some people do.\nKyle: Are you gonna burn me?\nGerald: Kyle, that's not the issue right now.\nKyle: Jesus Christ!\nRandy: The person's ashes are put into an urn, and that's where Kenny's body is.\nCarol: You see boys, Kenny is in here. [opens the urn and pours out the contents, which are white now. Carol notices] What the??? [looks inside the urn] Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!\nCartman: [resigned, comes clean] Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.\nStuart: You WHAT??\nStan: Dude, don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!\nCartman: [knowingly] Shut up!\nKyle: You did, dude! You drank his whole body!\nCartman: [knowingly] Shut up!\nCarol: Oh my God! This is awful! [starts moving away. The other adults follow] And disgusting!\nLiane: [stops and looks at Cartman] Bad, Eric, bad! [moves away]\nCartman: That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time. His soul is inside me.\nStan: Well, so much for our winning ticket. Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny! [leaves the table]\nKyle: Yeah. Good job, fatass! [leaves the table]\nCartman: I can't live like this. I, I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body.\nScene Description: Day, Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living souls from a pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have souls... Cartman speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a desk writing absentmindedly.\nCartman: Looks like I've come to the right place.\nNurse: Can I help you?\nCartman: Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside of me that I need sucked out, please.\nNurse: You'll have to make an appointment; the charge is two hundred and thirty dollars.\nCartman: Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just want you to vacuum him out of me and not put him up in a condominium! [a woman and her boyfriend enter the clinic. The woman sobs]\nBoyfriend: It's gonna be okay, babe.\nCartman: Listen, lady! You've got to get this crap out of me! [the woman can't believe what she's hearing] I don't want him in me anymore! Just suck him up and throw him out!\nWoman: Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! I have to keep it! [walks away from the clinic]\nSteven: Damnit! Damnit! [turns and walks off, then looks back in] Thanks a lot, kid! [throws a rock at Cartman]\nCartman: Eh! [becomes catatonic once more, and another flashback comes]\nScene Description: The scene is the sidewalk. Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to Kenny.\nCartman: Kenny! Kenny! Kenny...\nStan: Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree! [the last few words echo a few times]\nKyle: We're all gonna pitch in on an entry! [the last few words echo a few times. Fast forward to the day the boys are at Lolly's]\nLolly: Alright! [rips a ticket in half and hands the stub to Stan] There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. [the last few words echo a few times. He gives the ticket to Stan and walks off]\nStan: [hands the stub to Cartman] Hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it. [the last few words echo a few times]\nCartman: [takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle, of it, Kyle, of it Kyle...\nKyle: Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility-bility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [the last word echoes a few times. He hands the stub to Kenny]\nKenny: (Okay!) [the word echoes a few times. He takes it and pockets it. Fast forward to some time later, on the sidewalk]\nCartman: You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The nuts! The nuts! [fast forward to Kenny's room. He walks to a locked box by the window while looking at the ticket stub. He unlocks it, puts the ticket in, and locks the box again.]\nScene Description: Back to the present. Cartman comes to and knows where to go.\nCartman: The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on him when he died! He put it away somewhere! [walks up to a couple filling out paperwork] Don't you see? I can still have my candy shopping spree! Oh my God! [heads out the door] You guys! YOU GUYS!!\nScene Description: The United Nations, day. In the main hall President Bush is speaking to the Assembly.\nBush: Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction. [shows a picture of the ladder and another one of the clouds. Both pictures have areas circled in] We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven. But he has not \"re-spond-ed\".\nIndian ambassador: Of course he has not responded, because he's DEAD!\nBush: Right. Dead, and in heaven.\nAmbassador #1: This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?\nBush: Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him around August. [the French Ambassador has tuned out] When Saddam became jealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment. [the assembly is overcome with silence] Questions? [more silence. An ambassador raises his hand] Yes?\nAmbassador #2: Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?\nBush: I assure you, I am not high.\nScene Description: South Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the Marsh house. Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan and Kyle sit on some lumber watching the military take over the construction. Cartman runs up to them.\nCartman: You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket! [Stan and Kyle rise and line up on either side of Cartman]\nKyle: What do you mean, fatass?\nCartman: I just had another vision, you buttholes. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him, he put it away somewhere.\nStan: Where??\nCartman: I don't know. I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic [Kyle looks down at the lumber, then looks at the pile behind him] and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little red box. [Kyle fishes around for a small solid piece of lumber, then finds one and aims it at Cartman's head] I just have to wait for another vision to come. I could clearly see through Ken- [thunk] AY! [is dazed for a bit, then recovers none too pleased, then glares at Kyle]\nKyle: Do you see anything?\nCartman: Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW! [starts at Kyle, but Stan holds him back]\nStan: Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta spark the vision somehow.\nCartman: Not by giving me brain damage!\nStan: Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?!\nCartman: [stares at Stan, then resigns to his former position] Alright, go ahead. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... no. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!...\nScene Description: Near the back of the house. The neighbors are watching the construction. Sharon and Sheila arrive.\nSharon: Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about heaven! The Japanese just reached it with their ladder!\nRandy: What? [follows the ladies out with Gerald]\nScene Description: Living room, seconds later.\nSharon: See for yourself!\nScene Description: The SNN Japanese correspondent is on camera.\nNobunaga Hiroichi: This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from hayben. [behind him is a set with clouds hanging from wires. Angels swing into place slowly] The great a-nation of Japan reached a-hayben today about eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh. [one of the angels falls off her rope and hits the ground. The correspondent sees this and moves in front of her to block the shot. Someone enters the shot and plants a Japanese flag among the clouds] Therefore, hayben is now a-decrared an official part of Japan, because we got a-here first. And now for the weather in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu.\nNatsako Semu: Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy.\nNobunaga: [fairly gloating] That's the news from heben. [the set creaks behind him and falls down, showing the studio.] Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!! [\"No good! It's no good! Idiots!\"]\nScene Description: Living room, seconds later.\nRandy: Oh God, and we told our boys they'd never reach heaven.\nGerald: Kids!\nScene Description: Backyard. The crowd in and around the yard is immense now. George Bush and his staff are present.\nBush: Good. As soon as the boys finish their ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam out.\nSharon: Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy?\nRandy: If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him. With our weapons. [behind the crowd Cartman, Stan and Kyle return with buckets of candy. That conking finally worked]\nStan: Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not working on the ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done. [everyone turns to look at the boys]\nSome guy: Dude.\nGeneral: Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese won't let us use theirs.\nKyle: Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It was in his room. So we got all our candy, and you can all go home.\nRandy: Wait, are you saying that you boys only wanted to build a ladder to heaven so you could get some candy??\nCartman: ...I've never heard the words \"only\" and \"candy\" in the same sentence before.\nField reporter: But... what about your lost friend? What about your fragile innocence and believing we could all get to heaven?\nStan: Yeah, well people make us kids believe that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels...\nKyle: Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to, maybe heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind or, or something gay like that. Maybe heaven... is this moment, right now.\nGeneral: So, you're saying we should bomb this moment, right now. Right! Johnson!\nJohnson: Sir!\nRandy: No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These boys are right. The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth, now. We should stop waiting to get into heaven and start trying to... create it.\nCrowd: Awwww. [the crowd begins to disperse and people begin to cry in appreciation]\nBush: [moving off with his staff] And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam could actually be up there buildin' bombs.\nAlan Jackson: Where were you when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't, you couldn't really get there? [walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away]\nKyle: Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with. Let's go count our candy.\nStan: Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul is still in Cartman's body.\nCartman: [chuckles] No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick! [looks stunned] ...Oh Jesus Christ.\nKyle: Whoa. [shakes Cartman around] Kenny, you in there?\nCartman: Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God! [runs off]\nStan: Dude, come back here! [chases after Cartman]\nKyle: Stop him, Kenny! [follows them off. The camera suddenly pans up]\nScene Description: Heaven. Weapons of mass destruction are seen among the clouds. Saddam is right there shouting directions.\nSaddam Hussein: Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come on!\nGod: [a bright beam of light lands on Saddam, who shields his eyes] Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that you're secretly building weapons of mass destruction up here.\nSaddam Hussein: Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This is a chocolate chip factory. See? [displays boxes of \"Saddam's Heavenly Chocolate Chips\"]\nGod: It looks like a chemical weapons plant.\nSaddam Hussein: Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build a chemical weapons plant, I wouldn't make it look like a chemical weapons plant, would I? I'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something.\nGod: ...Alright, just checking. [removes the beam of light]\nSaddam Hussein: [giggles] Stupid asshole! [goes back to work]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Marsh residence, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand in the living room in costume.\nStan: O Great Wizard of Gregendath. What quest do you ask of this Ranger and Paladin?\nCartman: Only one thing can save our kingdom. You must bring me: a piece of pecan pie with toffee ice cream and magic shell. Hurry now!\nKyle: That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of another one!\nRandy: [entering] Uh, boys, [the boys look up] Butters' parents want to borrow The Lord of the Rings video we rented. Could you take it over to them?\nStan: You're sending us on... a quest? You ask of us to take the one video to the House of Butters?\nRandy: Yeah, whatever.\nCartman: It shall be a long journey with many dangers on the way.\nKyle: But if the tape must be brought to the House of Butters, who else can do it?\nStan: [reaches out and receives the tape] Very well, we shall embark on this quest immediately, father! Come, warriors!\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Ho! [they head out the front door. Randy moves away from the stairs and towards Sharon on the sofa]\nRandy: [snuggles up to her] Hmmm, that gets rid of them.\nSharon: Oooh, you're a little frisky, aren't you?\nRandy: Yeah, well uh, The Lord of the Rings wasn't the only thing I rented from the video store. [holds up a VHS case] I also rented... a porno.\nSharon: Oho, you little devil.\nRandy: [softly, sensually] You wanna go watch?\nScene Description: Neighborhood streets. The boys are well into their quest.\nStan: How shall we journey to the house of Butters? Through the mines of Endor or over the mountains of Grog?\nKyle: [notices something and gasps] Look out! Here comes the great dragon of Perengraph!\nCartman: Don't worry! I am the great wizard Motortart. I can shield us from the dragon's fire. [a car passes by and Cartman fires away at it with his staff]\nStan: Good job, wizard.\nCartman: And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew.\nKyle: I'm a Paladin, Cartman!\nCartman: Jews can't be Paladins.\nScene Description: Marsh residence; bedroom. Randy waxes his eyebrows with saliva getting ready for a night of porno. Sharon appears in a ruby lingerie, leans suggestively against the doorway of the master bathroom and runs her finger along the bedroom wall. Randy takes the porno to the TV.\nSharon: Hey there, cowboy.\nRandy: [holds up the video and turns to Sharon] You ready for some hot, steamy fun?\nSharon: [smiling, right index finger against her chin] You bet I am.\nRandy: The guys at the office told me I had to rent this porno. They said, \"this is without a doubt the hottest porno ever made.\" [puts the video into the player]\nSharon: [now reclining on the bed, running her finger along the bedsheets] Mmm, sounds good.\nRandy: I love that lingerie. [opens his nightgown to reveal a purple cod piece, then in a low voice] Yeah. You like that?\nSharon: Mm, yeah baby.\nRandy: Yeeaahhh. [reclines on the bed, facing her and holding the remote control] Alright, you ready?\nSharon: Ready.\nRandy: Oh, yeah. [they turn to the TV. Randy starts the video]\nNarrator: [the video begins. Randy massages Sharon's arm] The story begins in ages past, in the deep regions of Middle-earth, where Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgelar.\nRandy: Aw man, I hate when pornos try to have a story.\nNarrator: Seven rings were cast and given to the races of Men.\nRandy: Oh yeah. [begins caressing Sharon]\nNarrator: Seven, to the races of Elves, five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor. [Sharon takes a good look at the video]\nSharon: Wow, the production values are really good in this porno. [Randy takes a look]\nRandy: Yeah, it almost looks like... The Lord of the- [jumps up and sits on the bed, aghast] Oh, my God! [quickly rises and turns off the TV, gets the video out, and reads] This is Lord of the Rings!\nSharon: But then that mean..?\nRandy: The boys have the hottest porno ever made.\nScene Description: Stotch residence. The boys approach. Kyle knocks, Stephen and Linda open the front door.\nStephen: Oh, hello boys.\nStan: My father has asked that we bring you this copy of Lord of the Rings.\nStephen: Well, thank you very much, kind heroes.\nCartman: Perhaps a reward is in order. Gold? Frankensteincense?\nStephen: Oh, but you are noble heroes. We know our thanks is enough. [closes the door. The boys leave]\nCartman: Man, that's crap.\nScene Description: Basement. Butters is drawing something on paper. His parents descend with video in hand.\nStephen: Butters, [Butters stands up] look what we have for you to watch: The Lord of the Rings.\nButters: [rushes up to meet his parents] Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!\nLinda: Now Daddy and I have to do our taxes, so you can watch this by yourself and not get scared?\nButters: Ah I won't get scared, Mom. Promise!\nStephen: That's our man. Here you go. [hands the tape to Butters, who goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. The parents leave]\nButters: Ooh la lolly! I finally get to see Lord of the Rings. [the video begins to play. A man and a woman are heard]\nEvan Stone: [softly] Spank that ass. [a few seconds later, a spanking is heard]\nButters: Whoa. [more sounds from the video] Neat-o. [more sounds, a few spankings] Well, this is good.\nScene Description: Marsh car. Randy drives, Sharon worries. They have donned pajamas and thrown on coats.\nSharon: Oh my God, this is gonna be so embarrassing. \"Hi, Chris. Hi, Linda. We were just wondering if we could get our porno back.\" [buries her face in her right hand]\nRandy: Calm down, maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet.\nScene Description: The woods. As Randy and Sharon head for Butters' house, the boys walk home through backwoods.\nCartman: And so the party returns home after completing their great quest.\nStan: The one tape was returned and South Park was again at peace. [a few seconds later some headlights shine on them]\nKyle: Quick! A monster of Rivendell!\nCartman: Prepare for battle! [switch to the car]\nSharon: The boys! [Randy drives up to the boys and stops. Both he and Sharon jump out and rush up to them]\nRandy: Boys! Boys! [stops] Where's the videotape?\nStan: We gave it to the parents of Butters as commanded by you.\nSharon: Awgh, I guess we have to go talk to 'em now.\nRandy: Well, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast? [the boys look at each other]\nCartman: This sounds like a really important quest.\nRandy: Yes, it is. It is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do. You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it, uh, for it... holds an evil power! Retrieve the tape, and return it to us at home. [falling into a fantasy accent] Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded.\nStan: Woww.\nCartman: This... is so cool.\nKyle: [turns left] Gentlemen, we are off! [the boys turn back to walk to Butters' house. Randy watches them leave]\nRandy: [rises and looks at Sharon] Okay, problem solved.\nScene Description: Stotch residence; basement, moments later. Butters is looking at more of the video. He has a surprised expression on his face. Steamy action is heard.\nWoman: ...Oh my God, I'm so... Mmmm, mmm...\nButters: Oh golly. [his legs part and he points to his crotch] Hey, what's happening down there? [the basement door is heard opening and closing. Butters is fascinated by his body's reaction. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come down the stairs. Butters reaches for his crotch for tactile inspection]\nStan: We have come to reclaim the one tape! [Butters sits up and Kyle goes for the tape]\nButters: [walks up to Kyle] Wha-wha, what are you doing?! [Kyle removes it and puts it into the LotR case it came in]\nKyle: [walks off. Butters is saddened] The Queen and King of Stan'ses house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them.\nButters: But it's the greatest movie I have ever seen. You guys were right. Lord of the Rings is awesome. Eh, you have to let me finish watching it.\nCartman: Nay, Butters! The one tape must be brought back to Stan'ses house. [the boys head up the stairs and out of the house. Butters opens the door and jumps at them]\nScene Description: Butters' house, outside.\nButters: Bwaagghh! [falls on his face, then quickly gets up and retreats]\nKyle: Butters! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!\nButters: Well, then... then let me go with you.\nKyle: Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings. [Little does Kyle know what Butters' idea of LotR is. The boys turn to walk away]\nButters: Wuh, okay. [Butters jumps on Kyle's left arm and starts making love to it] Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, yeah.\nKyle: [glares at Butters] Butters, what the hell are you doing?!\nButters: [a bit surprised] Playing Lord of the Rings. [resumes the love-making] Ugh, wegh, oh yeah.\nKyle: [smacks Butters with the tape, causing him to fall off] Get the hell off me! You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us!\nButters: [on hands and knees, with renewed determination] Let me have the tape!\nStan: [takes the tape from Kyle] No, we have to return it! [the boys turn to walk away again. Butters crawls a few inches]\nButters: My movie! [sorrowfully reaches out for it with left hand] My awesome cool movie. My... precious.\nScene Description: The woods, night. The boys retrace their steps through the backwoods.\nCartman: And so the tape was again retrieved to be brought back to Stan'ses house.\nKyle: This copy of Lord of the Rings made the young Butters behave quite oddly.\nStan: Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange about it, too.\nCartman: Perhaps the one videotape has some power we have not foreseen. [three older boys ride up on their bikes and stop before the group. It's the sixth graders]\nSixth grader leader: [gets off his bike and approaches the boys] Well, well, well! If it isn't Robin Hood and his Merry Men!\nKyle: Oh, crap, the sixth graders!\nSixth grader leader: Whatcha got there?\nStan: Nothing. [the sixth grader rips the tape out of Stan's hand] Hey, kid!\nSixth grader leader: [looks at the case] Lord of the Rings? Ha! That movie's gay!\nCartman: You're gay!\nSixth grader leader: [opens the case and looks at the tape] What the-? [reads the title: \"Back Door Sluts 9\" XXX] Whoa! [backs up to show the tape to his friends] Check it out, you guys!\nSixth graders 2 and 3: Whoa!\nStan: Give it back! We're on a quest to return it to my parents!\nSixth grader leader: [approaches menacingly with the tape. Stan backs up] No way! We're keepin' this and watchin' it ourselves!\nKyle: You can't keep it.\nSixth grader leader: And what are three little fourth graders gonna do about it, huh?!\nStan: There's four of us! Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body!\nCartman: Yeah!\nSixth grader leader: Oh man, I can't wait to see this!\nKyle: [aside to Stan] Dude, that video is making people act strange.\nCartman: The one tape must be returned! [swats the tape out of the sixth grader's hands with the staff and watches as the tape falls into Stan's hands] Run! [the boys run away from the sixth graders]\nSixth grader leader: Get 'em! [his two friends ride off after the boys. He picks up his bike and joins his friends]\nScene Description: Stotch residence. Randy and Sharon have arrived, and Randy knocks on the door. Stephen answers the door again.\nStephen: Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon.\nRandy: Uh... Chris, are the boys over here?\nLinda: No, just Butters. He's been watching The Lord of the Rings downstairs.\nSharon: Oh, dear!\nStephen: What's the matter?\nRandy: We... [now nervous] Well, this is really sort of funny, but uh, we, we accidentally put a...porno in The Lord of the Rings box. [Sharon shrugs, and both of them smile sheepishly]\nLinda: Ohh God!! [the Stotches panic and rush downstairs. The Marshes follow]\nScene Description: Basement. Chris, Linda, Randy and Sharon enter. The TV is still on, but there's static. Butters isn't around.\nStephen: Butters?\nLinda: Butters? [they notice the television] Butters!\nButters: [peeks out from behind the sofa, in the shadow, then speaks in a raspy voice] The precious? [his parents turn to see him] Could you bring back my precious?\nStephen: Butters, where is the movie you were watching?\nButters: [crawls out into view] They took his precious, took it away to watch without him. [sits up and puts his hands on his knees] He was really enjoying that movie, too! My... precious.\nRandy: The boys must've come and saw what it was and... then taken it away somewhere.\nSharon: [gravely] Oh, no. [Stephen and Linda look back at them]\nScene Description: The woods, later. The camera moves from a clearing to a tree with a large root shading a pocket underneath. The boys come into view.\nKyle: We can't let those sixth graders get their hands on this videotape.\nCartman: I must say I agree. If this copy of The Lord of the Rings is tainted, it would not be safe in the wrong hands.\nSixth grader leader: [nearby, off screen] I smell fourth graders!\nStan: Oh crap, dude!\nKyle: Hide! [they jump over the massive root and hide in the pocket underneath. The lead sixth grader comes into view and sniffs the air. He hops off and looks around over the root. The boys look up in apprehension. The sixth grader sniffs around above them]\nSixth grader 1: [off screen] Hey. [the lead sixth grader whips around and goes to see who it is. It's his friend, in brown cap] I think I see something down the hill. [the lead sixth grader looks in that direction, then the sixth graders take off. The boys express relief after a few seconds]\nStan: Ogh. [Cartman sighs silently]\nKyle: Phew. The one videotape is sought after indeed.\nStan: Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth graders.\nCartman: [rises and moves off] Come, guys. We must bring this all to the attention of the High Elf of Paragon.\nKyle: Yeah, the High Elf. He'll know what to do. [the boys leave the root]\nScene Description: Broflovski residence, night. The boys' parents are all gathered in the living room.\nRandy: [debriefing Gerald and Sheila] And so that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.\nSheila: Oh God, this, this is horrible!\nGerald: All right, calm down. Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?\nRandy: I'm a...fraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9. [he and Sharon hang their heads in shame]\nGerald, Stephen: Backdoor Sluts 9?!?\nLinda: Is that bad?\nStephen: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!\nGerald: I-it is the single most vile, twisted, dark piece of porn ever made. [Sheila gets angrier by the word]\nSheila: [slaps him] How the hell do you know?!\nGerald: [shakily] I, uh, I-I-I read about it in People.\nSheila: [now facing the Marshes] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!\nSharon: We're sorry.\nLiane: Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.\nSheila: Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!\nRandy: It-it can't hurt 'em that much, can it?\nButters: [pops up outside and taps on a window] Precious. [the adults turn to see the window] Let me see my precious. [slides down the window and out of view] Plee-ee-ee-ease! [the adults just look on]\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle and Cartman arrive at a house. Stan rings the doorbell twice, but no answer.\nCartman: [waves his left hand around] Open. [nothing. He waves his left hand again] Bellog. [the door opens and Clyde appears]\nClyde: What do you guys want?\nStan: We must speak with the High Elf of Paragon.\nClyde: Oh. Okay, hang on a second. [steps back and closes the door, then reopens the door. He is now dressed as an elf. His staff is a small hoe] What troubles you?\nKyle: We have in our possession something of great power. [pulls out the videotape] It is... The Lord of the Rings.\nClyde: So? I have three copies. And the DVD with twelve hours of extra footage.\nStan: Yes, but this is not a- [stops, then reacts] Wow, twelve hours? ...Yes, but this is not a normal copy. It's making people act really strange. [hands the tape to Clyde]\nCartman: We're seriously, High Elf. Something very evil lurks in this tape.\nClyde: Very well, I shall call the council together. Meet me in the Woods of Gathering behind Talangar the Black's house. And don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll get in trouble.\nCartman: Thank you, High Elf of Paragon.\nClyde: Faragon, asshole! [closes the door. The boys leave the house and walk off]\nCartman: Clyde's a dick.\nScene Description: A parking lot in town. A bunch of kids are gathered there on their bikes. The lead sixth graders hops onto a car and gets the others' attention.\nSixth grader leader: Alright, everybody listen up! There's three snot-nosed little fourth graders out there who have a porno called Backdoor Sluts 9.\nOther sixth graders: Ooooooh!\nSixth grader leader: I checked it out on the Internet, and it said that Backdoor Sluts 9 is the most hard-core porno ever made.\nOther sixth graders: Ahhhhh!\nSixth grader leader: I have amassed this army of sixth graders to get the tape by any means necessary. Now, let's go get that porno! [the sixth graders scream and charge out into the night on their bikes]\nScene Description: Token's mansion, backyard. Very leafy backyard indeed. The camera moves from a shot of the moon to a shot of all the fourth grade boys seated around a small table.\nClyde: And so that is the situation. The video may or may not have evil power. Kyle, would you bring it up here, please? [Kyle gets up, walks to the table, and stands the tape on it]\nOther Boys: Ahhh.\nJimmy: That video could have been made by Sauron's evil f-...forces.\nCraig: It could hold a mental spell of some kind.\nKevin: [wearing a Star Wars Imperial stormtrooper helmet] Perhaps we could use it to strengthen our star cruisers. [the kids look at him. One shot has Tweek wearing a large coffee tin on his head, Pip dressed as an elf, a kindergartner wearing a Fett helmet, then one of Stan, Kyle and Cartman]\nCartman: Kevin, god-damnit..! [Kevin looks around, then hops off his chair and leaves]\nClyde: Look, until we see this tape's power for ourselves, we cannot risk giving it to anybody.\nStan: But if we watch it, we could fall under its spell, too.\nClyde: That is true. Only a Paladin with a high constitution should watch the tape. Therefore, I think it is a job for you, Talangar the Black.\nToken: [thinks about this, then leaves his seat] I am not scared. I'll go inside and watch the tape, [reaches the table and gets the tape] just for a few seconds. If I do not return in two minutes, send a party in after me. [walks towards the house] The fate of Middle-earth... is in my hands. [reaches the sliding door and enters the house, closing the door behnd him]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The sixth graders come into view on their bicycles making all sorts of noise.\nSixth grader leader: Fourth graders! Give us that porn-o! [they go out of view. A moment later the Marsh car comes into view]\nSharon: Boys? [the Broflovskis are in the back seat]\nSheila: [with her head out the window] Boys, we're not mad at you. We just wanna talk to you. [behind them is the Stotch car]\nScene Description: Token's mansion, backyard. The boys wait for Token's verdict.\nCartman: Talangar the Black returns from watching the video. [the other boys stir]\nClyde: What vice did you see on the videotape, Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's magic? [Token returns to the table and places the tape there]\nToken: I'm not playing anymore. [walks off]\nStan: [steps forward] Uh, well-Wait, what'd you see?\nToken: [stops and turns] I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'm out. [claps his hands, then walks back into the house, sliding the door open and closed. The boys look on]\nCartman: My God, this thing must really be powerful. [the boys turn to look at the tape]\nKyle: This tape makes people freak out wherever it goes.\nStan: What do we do with it?\nClyde: One thing for sure, this tape cannot be trusted with anybody. It must be returned to the video store from whence it came.\nJimmy: Well, where is the videotape rented from?\nKyle: [picks up the tape and looks for the store name] Two Towers Video Store. I-in Conifer.\nTweek: Conifer? Walking there would take hours!\nCraig: There's no alternative. We have to return the tape before it causes more damage!\nKindergartner: I'll go.\nCraig: Ha! We cannot trust something of that much power to a dwarf! Especially a kindergartner dwarf. [all the boys begin to chatter, nominating who should return the video]\nCraig: You're too young.\nCartman: Quiet!\nJimmy: You guys, this is stupid.\nCartman: You're acting like a bunch of assholes!\nStan: I will take it! [the boys quiet down and Stan approaches the table. He takes the tape in hand. Cartman closes his eyes in meditation] I will walk to the video store.\nClyde: It is too far and too dangerous to go alone. Take with you the wizard [Cartman], the dwarf [the kindergartner], the warrior [Craig], the cleric [Jimmy], and the Jew [Kyle].\nKyle: [flashes anger] Paladin!\nClyde: Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of The Lord of the Rings. Good luck. I have to go home now before I get in trouble.\nTweek: Me too.\nOther boys: [agreeing] Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nCraig: Only the six of us are to go?\nStan: No, no, there's seven of us. Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, remember?\nCartman: Yeah, stupid. [higher pitch] Yeah. Luckily, Cartman's big enough for the both of us. [a bit lower] Shut up, Kenny.\nScene Description: Kenosha Pass, snowing. The boys walk along the highway through the pass.\nNarrator: So it was that the heroes traveled many miles to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.\nKyle: We have reached the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak.\nCraig: Look out! [a small avalanche of snow appears in front of them]\nKyle: [gasps a little] We were almost killed.\nCartman: A dark wizard must be trying to stop us!\nStan: True. Someone or something doesn't want this video returned to the video store.\nScene Description: Token's mansion. The boys' parents are at the front door. The front door opens and Token's parents appear.\nSteve: Oh. Hello everybody.\nGerald: Steve, uh, we heard that a bunch of the kids were over here a little while ago.\nLinda Black: Well yes, I believe they were, but they've gone. What's the matter?\nRandy: We think our boys might be showing other chiildren a, uh... pornographic tape.\nSteve: What? But Token's never seen a porno before. He wouldn't know what to-Oh God! [rushes to look for Token]\nLinda Black: Token! [the other parents rush in]\nScene Description: The dining room table. Token sits alone on one of the many seats there. The adults arrive.\nLinda Black: Token? Did the boys come over and... show you a movie? [no answer]\nSteve: Token? [no answer, long pause] Alright, Token. We know you must be very confused about what you saw. [no response, long pause]\nRandy: [kneels next to Token] Yes, uh... you see, Token... that was called a pornographic film. I-it shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [no response, long pause] Well, y-you see, when a, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called love-making, and it's part of being in love.\nToken: [no response, long pause] ...And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too? [no response] Five midgets, spanking a man... covered with Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?\nSteve: Jesus, what kind of porno is that?\nGerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.\nSteve: Oh, Jesus, not that one! [his wife gives him an angry look]\nSheila: Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as confused and scared as this poor kid.\nGerald: Uh, Token, this is very important: do you know where the boys went with the naughty tape?\nScene Description: Bailey, town limit. The boys arrive there.\nCraig: We're entering the limits of Bailey. Everyone stay close.\nStan: Perhaps the Great Ringworm of Bailey is about.\nKindergartner: Ringworms are no match for a dwarf.\nCartman: Yes, we shall slay the Ringworm and take his bounty of treasure! [they pass a yard on which some kids are playing] For that is the way of the-\nBoy 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!\nBoy 2: I have blocked your spell, wizard!\nKyle: Hey, what are you guys doing? [the Bailey kids turn and look]\nBoy 3: We're playing Harry Potter.\nCartman: [after a few moments of thought] Ha!! Fags! [the boys move on. They soon pass a Country Café]\nKyle: [suddenly wary] You guys. Somebody is following us.\nCartman: It's Butters.\nKyle: Butters?\nCartman: Yes. He's been following us for like two hours. [behind the six boys, at some distance, is Butters, skulking along in the shadows]\nButters: The precious videotape. L-let the Butters see it.\nCartman: Just ignore him; maybe he'll go away.\nJimmy: Hey fellas, mind if we take a little re-rest?\nCartman: There's no time for rest, sorcerer! Keep up! [the sound of sixth graders is heard in the distance. The boys look around to find the direction of the sound. The sixth graders appear in the horizon behind them and ride in quickly, screaming all the while]\nJimmy: They are coming. [a shot of the sixth graders] You guys go on ahead.\nKyle: Jimmy, are you sure?\nJimmy: Go! [the other five boys take off, leaving Jimmy to face the sixth graders alone. He turns and stares down the approaching throng] You shall not...pah..? You shall not..puh... [the sixth graders draw closer] You shall not paah... [a shot of the young bikers, then a distance shot of Jimmy, then a shot of the young bikers, a shot of Jimmy, a shot of the young bikers, a quick shot of Jimmy, then the sixth graders as they reach Jimmy] You shall not pa-! [the sixth graders take shots at him as they pass by. He falls and gets up] You shall not paah-! [struck down again, rises, is struck down, rises...] You shall not puh-uh-uh- [falls again. The last of the sixth graders passes by, and Jimmy stands up, all beat up, with tire tracks and bruises on his face and a black eye] You shall not pass. [falls down]\nScene Description: A river, further along the quest. Stan looks back to see about Jimmy.\nStan: Jimmy didn't stop them!\nKyle: They're gonna take The Lord of the Rings from us.\nCartman: Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders can't stand water!\nCraig: What? That's stupid.\nCartman: I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig, and I say sixth graders are opposed to water!\nCraig: Whatever. I'm going back to play with the Harry Potter kids. [walks off]\nKindergartner: Me too. [follows Craig]\nCartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!\nStan: Just get across the river! They're coming! [the three remaining boys scramble across the river. The sixth graders arrive. Two of them stop their tires by performing wheelies and landing their bikes back on the road. The lead sixth grader rides up between them]\nSixth grader leader: What the hell is wrong with you guys?! Get the tape!\nSixth grader 3: Dude, I don't wanna get wet.\nSixth grader 4: Yeah, I don't really like the water.\nSixth grader 1: Besides, if our bikes get wet, their chains'll rust.\nSixth grader leader: Oh, god-damnit. Alright, come on. We'll find a bridge. [the bikers ride off]\nScene Description: The woods, later. The boys walk through it.\nNarrator: The quest continued to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.\nStan: Man, we should have never crossed that stupid river.\nKyle: Yeah. Good job, wizard fat ass! Now we're totally lost.\nCartman: We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad, we just don't know where we are! [twitched] That's what \"lost\" means, stupid! Kenny, shut your goddamned mouth!\nStan: This is great! We're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows what direction the video store is in!\nButters: [crawls up to them] The Butters knowses.\nKyle: Oh brother!\nButters: The video store. Yesss. Not far from here. We can show you wheres it is.\nStan: Where?!\nButters: First, just let Butters sseee the precious.\nKyle: No, Butters. Look what it's done to you. It's made you even lamer than before.\nCartman: If that was possible.\nStan: Tell us how to get to the video store, Butters, or else we're gonna kick your ass!\nButters: [puts up his arms to shield himself] Ha-a-a. No hurtses the Butters. [squats with his arms hanging over his knees] We will show you the way. Yesss. This way it is. [walks forward in a squatting manner]\nScene Description: The road. Randy, Sharon, Gerald and Sheila ride in the Marsh car, with Randy driving, and Stephen drives the Stotch car.\nSheila: This is awful! I just know with every passing minute, little Kyle is seeing more and more depraved sex acts!\nGerald: Well, we'll find them. A-and then we'll try to put what they saw into context.\nSharon: Look! There's one of the boys now! [before them is Jimmy, fallen and asleep in the middle of the road. Randy steps on the brakes] Jimmy!\nRandy: [the adults jump out of their cars and approach him] Jimmy! Jimmy! [Jimmy awakens and looks up] Where did the boys go with the porno tape?\nJimmy: They're taking it to the vi... the vi... the vii...\nStephen: Come on Jimmy, we don't have a lot of time.\nJimmy: They took it back to the video s... the video s...\nRandy: The video sandwich?\nStephen: The video stockyard.\nRandy: What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?\nJimmy: No, the video suh... the video s...tih...\nGerald: Stinger?\nStephen: Staples. They went to the video Staples. Where's that, Jimmy?\nJimmy: N-n-no, you retards! The video s...tore!\nAdults: The video store! [they go to their cars]\nSheila: Hurry! Hurry!\nRandy: I know where it is! [they get in their cars and peel off. (\"When did the Broflovski station wagon arrive?\") Jimmy is left where he was when they arrived]\nScene Description: Two Towers video store. The boys arrive out of breath and head for the front door.\nKyle: Oh no! They're closed!\nStan: Closed?\nSixth grader leader: [off screen] There they are!\nSixth grader 5: [the throng of sixth graders approach] Don't let them turn it back into the video store!\nCartman: We're screwed.\nStan: [seeing a way out of this mess] Wait. A drop box. [goes to it and pulls down the door] Quick, Kyle, drop the movie in!\nKyle: Finally. [he and Cartman move towards the box. Butters looks on] It's over.\nButters: [now moving] Precious. Must have our precious. Waagh! [jumps on Kyle and runs off with the tape]\nKyle: Butters! No!\nButters: [now in the middle of the parking lot] Now wees hases it! [the sixth graders close in]\nStan: They're coming!\nKyle: [goes after Butters and tries to wrest the tape from him] It has to go back!\nButters: It wantses to stay with the Butter kid.\nSixth grader leader: [a foot away] There it is! Give me that tape! [Butters holds on tight to the tape, smiling wide.]\nKyle: [picks Butters up and carries him off] Let go of the tape, Butters!\nButters: I'll never let go! [Stan opens the drop box and holds the door open]\nKyle: Fine! [tosses him into the drop box]\nButters: Precious! [Stan closes the door. The lead sixth grader leaps off his bike and rushes to the drop box]\nSixth grader leader: Nooo! [reaches in and fishes around for it] No, nooo! [walks off in disgust and hits the window] Damnit! [the other sixth graders arrive]\nSixth grader 1: Aw man, now we'll never see the hot action.\nSixth grader leader: You stupid little fourth graders!\nCartman: The tape is returned to which it came. Its power over you shall fade as well.\nKyle: Middle-earth is again safe.\nSixth grader leader: Yeah? Well, that's not gonna stop us from kicking your asses!\nStan: Uh-oh.\nScene Description: The lead sixth grader approaches punching his left fist into his right hand. The other sixth graders move in alowly. Headlights appear and a car horn sounds. The sixth graders look at the cars, as do the boys. The cars pull to a stop short of the boys.\nRandy: Boys! Boys!\nSixth grader leader: Crap! Parents! [gets on his bike and turns away] Come on, guys. [the sixth graders leave] We'll see you next time, fourthies!\nCartman: And perhaps they would. But for now the sixth grader army was defeated.\nRandy: There you are!\nSheila: Oh, Kyle! You're safe!\nStan: Oh hey guys, uh... We were just about to come home. We had to return the video.\nRandy: A-alright, now, now listen, kids. There's some things we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. [the boys are stunned] Uh, this is called \"69ing\" and it's normal.\nSharon: See boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it... feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.\nSheila: That's right, but sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.\nGerald: Now, on to double penetration, boys. You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.\nRandy: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.\nSheila: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.\nRandy: Going number 1 or number 2 on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.\nGerald: Okay, boys. Do you have any questions? [the boys are still stunned, but one of them finally speaks]\nStan: ...Wow. [another long moment of stunned silence]\nRandy: Well, let's all get going.\nSheila: Yeah, come on boys. Time to get home. [the adults head for their cars, but the boys stay frozen in place]\nStephen: [turns around. Linda does as well] Wait a minute. Where's Butters?\nScene Description: Two Towers video store, inside the bin behind the drop box.\nButters: [rises from the batch of videotapes that buried him] Wu-u-wees hases our preciouseses! Hases it... Hases it..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, day. Her door opens.\nMr. Garrison: [enters with Mr. Hat on his hand] You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, Mr. Garrison. Have a seat. [Mr. Garrison takes a seat] Mr. Garrison, sometime ago you asked to be promoted from teaching kindergarten back to the third grade.\nMr. Garrison: [flatly] I'm aware of that.\nPrincipal Victoria: I wanna come clean with you and tell you that back then some of us were uncomfortable with your sexual preferences. It was wrong of us, and I want to make it up to you.\nMr. Garrison: Wow, that's... really great to hear.\nPrincipal Victoria: As you know, the position of Fourth Grade teacher has become available, and we'd like to offer YOU the job.\nMr. Garrison: [brightens] Oh, for real? You're not kidding?\nPrincipal Victoria: We in administration see now that you are an individual with your own preferences, and we respect that.\nMr. Garrison: [rises from the chair with excitement] Oh, this is all just... this is a dream come true! [shakes her hand] Thank you, Principal Victoria! I'll do a great job!\nPrincipal Victoria: I know you will. [Garrison turns around and walks away smiling]\nMr. Garrison: [turns around] You're sure this is for real? I mean, I'm not gonna just get fired again for being gay tomorrow.\nPrincipal Victoria: [slight chuckle] It's for real, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: [slight chuckle, turns around and walks out the door] Oh-ho, great!\nPrincipal Victoria: With all the new laws we could never fire you for being gay now. You'd be able to sue us for millions of dollars.\nMr. Garrison: Right uh- [stops in his tracks at the door's entrance, his smile turns to wonder. He turns around] Wha- ...what was that?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, I was just saying that the policies have really changed. You know, we fire you for acting gay next time, you'd be able to sue the school district for ...lots of money.\nMr. Garrison: ...Oh right, right, right, I... Huh-... how much money, exactly?\nPrincipal Victoria: [busy doing paperwork] Oh. Well, there was the case out in Minnesota where the guy was awarded... 25 million, I think.\nMr. Garrison: Yeh-you don't say. [strokes his chin] Well thanks, uh, Principal Victoria. [walks out and closes the door] Holy Moly! I've gotta find a way to get fired for being gay!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay kids, I know the past few weeks have been really hard with the death of your teacher, Ms. Choksondik. [the kids erupt in laughter]\nKyle: Funny.\nMr. Mackey: BUT... the principal has finally hired a teacher to take her place. So I want you all to give your best behavior to your new Fourth Grade teacher, Mr. Garrison. [the door opens and Garrison enters]\nKids: AWWWW!!!\nKyle: Not him!\nMr. Garrison: Thank you, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: [walks toward the door] Good luck, m'kay.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, now for those of you who are new, my name is [writes on the board] Mr. Garrison.\nButters: Where is Mr. Hat, sir?\nMr. Garrison: Well, I was informed that fourth graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Two-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat.\nMr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to... [the door opens again] Mr. Slave. [a strapping man enters. He wears a pink shirt, pale blue jeans; black leather vest, chaps and boots; police hat, strong jaw and mustache, and pouty lips]\nMr. Slave: [preens] Hi kids. Hm.\nMr. Garrison: So that's [writes on the board] Mr. Slave. [Mr. Slave poses] The teacher's assistant. [Mr Slave smooths his mustache, then his hat] Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.\nMr. Slave: [throws his arms forward] Oh Jesus Christ.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, Mr. Slave. Go sit until I need you. [Mr. Slave goes to sit down. Garrison spanks him as he passes by]\nMr. Slave: Ugh.\nCartman: [leans towards Craig, who pays attention] Dude, I think that Mr. Slave guy might by a... [glances back] Pakistani.\nMr. Garrison: I'm not saying the rest of the school year is going to be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard. [does motions for both words - the palms facing each other and pulling apart, then two fists] Really long and really hard. [emphasizes the motions]\nMr. Slave: [at a small teacher's desk reading a magazine] Oh Jesus Christ.\nMr. Garrison: [gleefully] Eheh, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia. [erases the name on the board and begins writing the topic, starting with an S]\nCartman: [begins making a paper plane involuntarily] No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny?\nMr. Garrison: [finishes writing \"STALIN\"] Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to...\nCartman: [finishes the plane and aims it at Mr. Garrison] Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny! [fires the plane off. It hits the board and falls away]\nMr. Garrison: [turns around and points] Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?!\nCartman: No, it was Kenny!\nMr. Garrison: [arms akimbo] Very funny, Eric! Kenny's dead!\nStan: [coming to Cartman's defense] Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body.\nThe Other Kids: Yeah.\nMr. Garrison: That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishment! [reaches into his desk and pulls out a paddle, then strikes it against his left palm twice. He walks over to Mr. Slave and has him bend over] Take it Mr. Slave! [swats him three times on the ass]\nMr. Slave: [moves his head around] Oh-oh. Oh it hurts.\nMr. Garrison: I will [swat] NOT put up with [swat] TOM foolery in my [swat] CLASS room, children. [stands him up and straps a gag ball around Mr. Slave's face] Mr. Slave, put this rubber ball in your mouth. [bends Mr. Slave over his lap and swats him some more] Take that, Slavey! take it! [the kids look on, stunned. Mr. Garrison continues the swats] This'll get me fired for sure. [smiles]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, afternoon. The Tweaks, the Stotches, the Marshes, the Broflovskis, and Liane are present in the living room, seated around the coffee table.\nGerald: I really enjoyed the imagery in the last chapter of this month's book.\nLinda: Yes, and I really saw the entire book thematically as a take on corporate America.\nRandy: Well I think in the fourth chapter, when uh Nancy Drew discovers the bloody glove in the cheerleader's locker, well that uh that was just a brilliantly written passage. [Sharon sips some coffee, a door opens]\nGerald: So full of metaphor.\nKyle: Hey guys, can we talk to you? [with him are Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Tweek]\nSheila: Oh, hi boys.\nSharon: How was school?\nKyle: Uhh, not cool.\nSheila: That's great. We're having our book of the month club meeting, so why don't you boys go outside and play?\nLinda: Was it me, or did you all think that Nancy Drew solved the riddle of Elephant Mountain a little too easily? [a burst of chatter follows]\nStan: No, no, he said not cool. We got our new teacher today; it's, it's Mr. Garrison, our old third grade teacher.\nStephen: Uh huh.\nKyle: Well, he has this new teacher's assistant, and uh and they're both... totally gay.\nSheila: Kyle! You know better than to discriminate against homosexuals!\nStan: Yeah but, these guys are really super-gay.\nRandy: [displeased] Aw I'm surprised at you, Stanley. I really thought you knew how to accept people for who they were.\nStan: Yeah, but Dad-\nRandy: No buts, Stanley! We're not raising our kids to be discriminators!\nSheila: That's right! I think it's time you kids took a little trip to the Museum of Tolerance! [Gerald crosses his arms. The kids look at each other]\nScene Description: Museum of Tolerance, next day. A really modern building with a fountain by the entrance. The five boys and their parents arrive at the museum.\nTour guide: [a woman greeting the families inside the museum] Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance. Here we try to educate you on the dynamics of racism and prejudice in America. [Cartman yawns loudly. Liane smacks him across the back of his head]\nCartman: Ey!\nTour guide: [leads them through the museum] Now, did you know that words we use can show intolerance? [leads the group to a tunnel entrance] Let's begin our tour with a walk through our Tunnel of Prejudice, to show you what it can feel like to be discriminated against. [motions for the boys to enter, and the boys enter]\nVoice: [the words it says appear on the walls of the tunnel as it says them, then disappear] QUEER. BEANER. CHINK. N*GGER. HEEB. FAGGOT. CRACKER. SLOPE. [the boys are suitably shocked as they move along the tunnel's people mover, but Cartman is grinning from ear to ear]\nCartman: Aw man, this is awesome! [\"JAP\"]\nTour guide: [at the other end of the tunnel with the parents] Now you know how it feels.\nCartman: [excited, runs up to the guide] I wanna ride again! I wanna ride again!\nTour guide: [leads them into the Hall of Stereotypes] We are now entering the Hall of Stereotypes. These wax figures represent how some intolerant people have labeled minorities. [leads them to the first exhibit] Here we see a black person eating chicken and watermelon, a stereotype that hurts the African-American community. What other stereotypes do you see here? [the stereotypes are exhibits, each one with its own spotlight]\nRandy: [walks up to another exhibit with Stan and Kyle] Ah, here's the Arab as a terrorist. [the Arab is holding a Kalashnikov rifle]\nTour guide: That's right. But of course, we know that not all Arabs are terrorists, don't we, kids?\nButters: [sees a third exhibit] W-w-well there's an Asian over there with a calculator. [walks over to it. The others follow]\nTour guide: That's right. Not all stereotypes are negative. But even a positive one like \"All Asians are good at math\" is harmful to society.\nCartman: [over at a fourth exhibit, a man cowering over a bag of money] Look, a covetous Jew!\nTour guide: [arrives with the others] Very good, young man. The idea that Jews are only interested in money is very old indeed.\nRandy: [notices a fifth spotlight and walks to it] Ah, here's a good one. [Stan walks up next to him] It's the stereotypical \"sleepy Mexican.\" [a man sleeps under the spotlight sitting up next to a mop and bucket]\nJanitor: [wakes up] Wai-what? Oh man, what time is it? [stands up and rubs the back of his neck]\nRandy: [in a low voice] Oh I'm sorry. I thought you were a wax sculpture.\nJanitor: Naw, man. I'm the janitor. I'm s'pose to be cleaning but I'm so tired. Ongh, so sleepy. [walks off with the mop and bucket]\nTour guide: [leads them into the Tolerance Discovery Lab] This is our discovery wing. Take your time at the computer displays [they measure tolerance I.Q.], because you see, being tolerant you must also learn to respect people who are small, people who are disabled, even people who are overweight, [moves her arms towards Cartman] like this young man here.\nCartman: Ey!\nTour guide: You other boys have probably called this young man names like \"tubby,\" or \"lardbutt,\" or \"fat tits,\"...\nKyle: \"Fat tits.\" That's a good one.\nStan: Yeah, I have to remember that.\nTour guide: But you must learn to be tolerant of his differences as well. If he chooses to eat fatty foods, that's his life choice.\nCartman: [strokes his chin and tries something out] I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.\nTour guide: And we won't belittle you for eating lots of cookies and cakes and pies.\nCartman: Duhuhude, tolerance kicks ass! [the adults chuckle]\nRandy: That's our Cartman. [Cartman grins]\nScene Description: Museum of Tolerance, outside.\nTour guide: Well, that's the end of our tour.\nRandy: Now do you see why tolerance is so important, boys?\nStan: I guess.\nTour guide: We have to accept people for who they are and what they like to do. [notices someone nearby] Hey! What the hell are you doing? [it's a man smoking on the edge of the fountain]\nSmoker: Oh I was just uh-\nTour guide: There's no smoking in the museum!\nSmoker: But I'm not in the museum.\nTour guide: Get out of here, you filthy smoker! [the smoker rises and walks off]\nGerald: Yeah, dirty lungs!\nSharon: Go ahead and kill yourself, stupid tar-breath!\nStephen: Dumbass!\nRichard: Get out of here! [the smoker walks out of view]\nTour guide: Well, have a great day, everybody.\nStephen: Now you boys can go and give your teacher and assistant the respect they deserve. Right?\nThe boys: Yeah.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Garrison's class. Mr. Garrison enters, having previously set up a chemistry experiment on the teacher's desk.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Uh, apparently, none of you tried to get me fired yesterday, so I guess we're just gonna have to go on and learn more today. [sits on a corner of the desk] Now who can tells me what happens to water when we heat it up in the Bunsen burner?\nButters: It evaporates.\nMr. Garrison: Good, Butters. Now if we take the glass tube of the Bunsen burner, we can also see how other things react. [takes the tube in hand and walks over to Mr. Slave] Evaporation is an exothermic reaction, so let's look at an endothermic one. Mr. Slave, position 7 please. [Mr. Slave looks up from his magazine, then assumes the position over his little desk and lowers his pants enough to show his ass] Now I'm gonna put the glass tube under Mr. Slave's tight ass. [steps backwards and inserts the tube. Mr. Slave starts to moan] The heat from Mr. Slave's ass will act as our new conductor of energy.\nMr. Slave: AAH.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, now Butters, could you bring over Lemmiwinks for me please?\nButters: Sure. [smiles and goes to get Lemmiwinks]\nStan: [sensing what's about to happen] Oh, no, no, no no no no.\nMr. Garrison: [gets Lemmiwinks from Butters] Newton was the first to discover that for every action there's a reaction - thank you Butters. Now what do you think is gonna happen when I introduce the element of the gerbil to the endothermic heat of Mr. Slave's ass? [the kids are all aghast] Well let's see. [lifts up the Bunsen tube and sends the gerbil on its way down]\nMr. Slave: AAH. [the gerbil enters Mr. Slave's lower intestine and comes across the skeleton of another gerbil. It turns back immediately and runs for the anal opening. Mr. Garrison pulls the tube out and the sphincter snaps shut, trapping the gerbil inside. It tries to claw its way out] AAH. [moves his head around] Dude! Jesus Christ! AAH!\nButters: [realizing what just happened] Lemmiwinks? NO!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. The kids go for their lunches.\nChef: Hello there, children!\nThe boys: Hey Chef.\nChef: How's it goin'?\nKyle: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nStan: Chef, we're intolerant. [beat]\nChef: ...Intolerant of who?\nKyle: Gays, I guess.\nChef: Now why do you wanna go be intolerant of gay people, children? [arms akimbo] I thought you knew better.\nStan: Well we didn't think we were, but Mr. Garrison has this new assistant, and we're really uncomfortable around them.\nChef: Children, a lot of times the reason people get uncomfortable around gay people is that they have some issues themselves. You have to ask yourself, \"What is it about their behavior that, for some reason, makes me uncomfortable?\"\nKyle: Well, I guess it's mostly the way Mr. Garrison stuck a gerbil up Mr. Slave's ass.\nChef: Right. And you see, children, that's why you need to- Whoa! What?!\nStan: Are we homophobes now?\nKyle: We don't wanna be gay bashers, Chef.\nChef: Children, there's a BIG difference between gay people and Mr. Garrison! Do you understand that??\nStan: N-no?\nChef: You children just take your lunches. I'm gonna have a talk with the principal.\nCartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.\nChef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!\nCartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC. [Chef is puzzled]\nScene Description: Fourth Grade classroom. The chemistry equipment has been cleared away from the teacher's desk. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are in the classroom.\nMr. Garrison: That was a brilliant idea, having me put a gerbil up your ass, Mr. Slave. [laughs] Now we'll get fired for sure!\nMr. Slave: [nonchalantly] Well it wasn't the first small animal I put up my ass.\nPrincipal Victoria: [over the P.A. system] Mr. Garrison to the principal's office, please?\nMr. Garrison: That's it! They're gonna fire me for being gay! Twenty-five million here we cooome. [shimmies out the door]\nMr. Slave: Don't forget, I get half. Oooooh! [feels the gerbil try again to claw its way out of his ass] Oooooh, Jesus Christ. [scratches his ass. The gerbil runs one way, then back to the sphincter. A specter appears and stops the gerbil in its tracks. It's a Frog King. The two stand motionless for a few seconds]\nFrog King: Lemmiwinks, you must find a way out of this place, or you will surely die. [the gerbil just stands there] This way has been closed off by the Great Sphincter. To escape you must journey upward to the dark reaches of the intestine and past the stomach. [the gerbil says nothing] Who am I? Just a friend. Heed my words, Lemmiwinks. Your time is running out. Make for the large intestine. All will be made clear then. [disappears. The gerbil turns around, scratches its chin, and begins its journey]\nSinger: A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward, Lemmiwinks, or you will soon be dead. The journey before you may be long and filled with woe But you must escape the gay man's ass so your tale can be told. Lemmiwinks. Lehehemiwinks Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks-\nScene Description: The principal's office, a few moments later. Mr. Garrison hums as he nears the office door. He enters and stands beside an angry Chef, who has crossed his arms.\nMr. Garrison: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh yes, uh, Mr. Garrison, have a seat.\nMr. Garrison: [nudges Chef] Oh dear, sounds like I'm gettin' fired. [hums some more and takes a seat]\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, Chef has brought it to my attention that some uh students are a bit... uuuncomfortable about certain aspects of your teaching methods.\nMr. Garrison: [in anticipation, gets melodramatic] Oh no, you're firing me? Oh well, I can't stop being who I am. I can't help the way God made me. Guess I just have to go.\nPrincipal Victoria: No no no we're not firing you.\nMr. Garrison: ...You're not?\nPrincipal Victoria: No, we're sending Chef to a tolerance seminar.\nChef: [steps forward] Sending Chef to a tolerance seminar?! You've got to be fuckin' crazy!!\nPrincipal Victoria: You demonstrate a lack of tolerance for Mr. Garrison's behavior. In fact, I believe you used the words \"sick queer\" to describe his conduct in class?\nChef: He IS a sick queer!!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah!\nPrincipal Victoria: I just wanted to give you an opportunity to apologize to Mr. Garrison before I send you away, Chef.\nChef: Kiss my black ass!! [Mr. Garrison is surprised]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Counselor Mackey's office.\nMr. Mackey: Parents, I had to call you in here because your boys have refused to attend class with their homosexual teachers, m'kay?\nStan: We're not staying in class another minute with those queermos!\nRandy: Well I really thought you boys learned something in the Museum of Tolerance, but apparently all you learned was new words to call your poor teachers!\nButters: [still distraught] But they killed Lemmiwinks!\nStephen: Shut your mouth, Butters! You'll speak when spoken to!\nButters: Yes sir.\nStephen: Mr. Mackey, we've done everything we can to raise compassionate children. We don't know where else to turn.\nMr. Mackey: Well there is an intensive seminar camp. It's a bit severe, but it might be the only way. M'kay?\nSharon: That sounds good to me.\nLiane: Me too.\nSheila: Then it's settled. Boys, you're going to tolerance camp.\nStan: Tolerance camp?\nScene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. A truck pulls up to the entrance and two guards open the gates. Beyond, kids mill around under the watchful eyes of other guards. A few moments later a guard paces in front of a crowd of kids.\nCamp warden: [sternly] Welcome to tolerance camp. You are here because you would not accept people's differences. [a shot of the kids shows that Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters were not the only kids to refuse attending Garrison's class] Because you refuse to accept the life choices of your fellow man. Well those days are now over. Here you vill verk, every hour of every day until you submit to being tolerant of everybody. Here, intolerance... will not be tolerated.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. Mr. Slave is reading his magazine. A few moments later Mr. Garrison storms into the room and slams the door shut.\nMr. Garrison: God-damnit!\nMr. Slave: How'd it go?\nMr. Garrison: This is unbelievable, Mr. Slave! It seems no matter what I do I can't get fired!\nMr. Slave: The principal didn't fire you?\nMr. Garrison: No! The parents felt so bad that their kids didn't want to attend my class anymore that they wanna give me the Courageous Teacher award this Friday at the Museum of Tolerance!\nMr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.\nMr. Garrison: I mean, I stuck a gerbil up your ass and they wanna give me a Goddamn medal!\nMr. Slave: Well it sounds to me like the principal's just hiding things from everybody. What you need to do is let the parents see what kind of demented faggot you are.\nMr. Garrison: Oh well- [stops and thinks] Hey, that's right, Mr. Slave. [paces a bit] The parents have to see for themselves. [snaps his fingers] The awards ceremony! Well we'll put on a show they'll never forget!\nMr. Slave: Oohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ. [rubs his belly, and the camera zooms in, cutting to the intestine. Lemmiwinks walks along, and a guitar is heard]\nSingers: Lemmiwinks journeyed a distance far and fast. To find his way out of a gay man's ass. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Lemmiwinks, with all of your might.\nFrog King: [appears again before Lemmiwinks] Lemmiwinks, you are coming to the entrance of the small intestine. There you must seek out the Sparrow Prince. [disappears. Lemmiwinks walks up the large intestine, going back and forth. Eventually it sees the Sparrow Prince and stops]\nSingers: The Sparrow Prince lies somewhere way up ahead. Don't look back, Lemmiwinks, or you'll soon be dead. Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, the time is growing late. Slow down now and seal your fate.\nSparrow Prince: I am the Sparrow Prince. Long has my spirit been trapped within this place. Before you lies the maze of the small intestine. One path leads to the stomach, the other to certain doom. Take with you this helmet and torch. [they appear and float toward Lemmiwinks] Let them be your guide. [Lemmiwinks puts it on and continues its journey]\nSingers: Take the magic helmet torch to help you light the way. There's still a lot of ground to cross inside the man so gay. Ahead of you lies adventure, and your strength still lies within. Freedom from the Ass of Doom is the treasure you will win.\nScene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. The kids are in a large room the size of an airport hangar. All of them have been doing arts and crafts, as they are dirty with crayons and paint. Each column of tables is being patrolled by a guard.\nCamp warden: Today we will be using the fingerpaint! You vill make a painting that shows people of different races and sexual orientations getting along. Fingerpaint. Fingerpaint! [the kids get busy fingerpainting] You vill not make any distinction between people of different colors! People with different sexual preferences! You vill accept everyone! [stops behind Kyle's right shoulder and swoops down to look at his paper] What are you fingerpainting?!\nKyle: Uh, a bear?\nCamp warden: Ein bear?! Und bear has nothing to do with accepting people of different races!\nKyle: [trembling in fear] Eh I, I don't know what else to paint.\nCamp warden: [takes Kyle's paper and rips it up] Start over! [puts his hand on the stack of papers next to Kyle] You will fingerpaint what we tell you! [takes a sheet from the stack and slams it down in front of Kyle] GO! [Kyle starts on a new picture] Faster. [the guard switches to the left shoulder without breaking his stare] Faster! [switches back to the right shoulder and cocks a pistol against Kyle's head] Faasterr.\nKyle: Aaaa! [hurries to finish the painting]\nCamp warden: Faster! Are you done?! What is it?! What have you done?! [Kyle adds some broad strokes and lifts up the finished work]\nKyle: [trembling] People of all colors and creeds holding hands beneath a rainbow!\nCamp warden: GOOD! [snatches the paper from Kyle's hand] That wasn't so hard, was it? [rips it up and tosses it away] NOW DO IT AGAIN! [walks off slowly] Faster! [the kids work faster] Faasterr!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison talks to Mr. Slave. There are no kids in class, as they've all gone to tolerance camp, apparently.\nMr. Garrison: There! I've done it, Mr. Slave. The perfect plan to get us fired. You finished your costume design yet?\nMr. Slave: [scribbling on a notepad] Almost. I just have to get through a su- [grabs his stomach] Uh-huc, Jesus Christ.\nMr. Garrison: What's the matter?\nMr. Slave: Mm, Just a bit of an upset stomach, I guess.\nMr. Garrison: Well here, take a Pepto pill. I can't have my teacher's ass under the weather. [hands Mr. Slave a glass of water and a pill]\nMr. Slave: Eugh, Jesus Christ. [takes the pill and swallows it. The camera follows the pill down the esophagus toward the stomach. The pill lands in the pool of acid in the stomach. Lemmiwinks pops up from the pool]\nSingers: Lemmiwinks came to the stomach dark. 'Neath the depths of the lungs and heart.\nCatatafish: You chose your path wisely, Lemmiwinks. I am the Catatafish.\nSingers: Catatafish of the stomach's cove.\nCatatafish: If you answer this riddle, the esophagus will let you pass.\nSingers: Catatafish's riddle will soon be told.\nScene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. The kids are now in a different room quietly making macaroni pictures on the floor, but they are all fatigued. The guard walks up to a soldier on a catwalk and talks with him.\nCamp warden: Everything in order?\nCamp Soldier: Yes, mein Führer. Ve are making the prisoners make macaroni pictures that illustrate diversity in the verkplace.\nCamp warden: [looks at a paper with two people shaking hands and with \"DIVERSITY\" written above them] Eh-xcellent! [down below the kids continue with their pictures.]\nKyle: [Suddenly falls on his face] Oh.\nStan: Kyle. [helps him up and tries to rouse him] Kyle, you have to keep making your macaroni pictures.\nKyle: [limply] Can't... glue... any... more. [falls on his face again]\nStan: The guards are coming, Kyle. Glue. Glue, damn you!\nCamp warden: Take this one away. He is done for. [a soldier drags a boys body along the floor]\nStan: Butters!\nButters: No more... arts and crafts...\nStan: Jesus... we have to get out of here. [other kids are passed out, some on their backs, some on their stomachs]\nScene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, outside. The kids are at play. Cartman walks over to a Porto-Potty and enters, but stops. He looks down into the toilet and finds two girls there in the septic tank.\nGirl 1: Please don't tell them that we're hiding here.\nGirl 2: We can't work anymore or we'll die.\nCamp Soldier: [walking by] Vhat? [closes the door and turns around] Waht?!\nCartman: Oh. Uh, nothing. I was just getting back to work.\nCamp Soldier: Vhat is in there?\nCartman: Nothing.\nCamp Soldier: Get back to verk.\nCartman: [salutes] Yes sir! [the guard walks away] Phew. [opens the door and steps inside, laughing. A few moments later he craps and starts laughing]\nThe Girls: Eww! Eww! Eww! [Cartman craps and laughs some more]\nCartman: [exits and alerts any available soldier] Hey, I was just kidding. There's actually two girls hiding down there. Hey! [goes to find a soldier]\nScene Description: Museum of Tolerance, Friday night. The main hall is set up for the awards ceremony and the guests are seated.\nTour guide: Tonight we are here to honor an amazing fourth grade teacher with the Courageous Teacher award. [applause] Herbert Garrison came out about two years ago. Since then he has faced adversity. He has even faced ridicule by some of the students.\nSharon: Oh Randy, I'm so ashamed of our son.\nTour guide: It is my honor to present the Courageous Teacher award to... Herbert Garrison. [applause. She moves off as Garrison enters riding on Mr. Slave, humming a song. Mr. Garrison wears a towering headdress while Mr. Slave is dressed as a horse. Mr. Slave stops]\nMr. Garrison: Get along, little Slave.\nRandy: Oh my God.\nGerald: That's what our boys were talking about?\nMr. Garrison: [rings some small bells] Ding-ding, ding-ding.\nMan 1: [sitting next to Principal Victoria] He is so courageous.\nMr. Garrison: [now at the podium, with Mr. Slave standing to his right. He's wearing a purple belt with shiny purple dildo hanging from it] Say, Mr. Slave.\nMr. Slave: Yes, Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.\nMr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?\nMr. Garrison: No no, I was the asshole. [a moment of silence, and more applause]\nMan 2: [brown hair and mustache] Ogh, that is so courageous.\nMan 3: [gray hair] What an amazing human being! [Randy and Gerald look at each other in shock]\nMr. Garrison: Uh, I uh I'm very happy to get this award. Uh but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.\nAudience: Ahh [applause]\nMr. Garrison: [frustrated, to Mr. Slave] It isn't working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.\nMr. Slave: I've got a little- Oof. [grabs his stomach] Ohoc, Jesus Christ. What's happening in there?\nScene Description: Inside Mr. Slave's stomach at that moment, Lemmiwinks has been put into a gyroscope and is ready to be shot up the esophagus and out the mouth.\nFrog King: Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catatafish's riddle. Now your trials are nearly through!\nScene Description: Outside Mr. Slave's stomach, onstage.\nMr. Slave: Oh! I should have never shoved all those poor animals up my ass! [a few moments of thought, and then more applause]\nMr. Garrison: Uh...\nMan 4: [black hair] Courageous.\nMan 5: [behind him, brown hair] So courageous.\nMr. Garrison: [frustrated and finally letting loose] God-damnit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here! [the applause dies down]\nMan 3: [softly] Oh, that's courageous.\nMr. Garrison: Look, this kind of behavior should not be acceptable from a teacher!\nMr. Slave: Yeah, Jesus Christ.\nMan 6: But the mu-se-um tells us to be to-le-rant.\nMan 3: [stands up and raises his arms] Yes. The mu-se-um.\nMan 7: [stands up and raises his arms] The mu-se-um tells us.\nMr. Garrison: Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! If you had to like it, it'd be called the Museum of Acceptance! [the audience looks on] \"Tolerate\" means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off! Jesus Tapdancing Christ!\nRandy: He's right. Our boys didn't hate homosexuals, they just hated the way this asshole was acting.\nGerald: We've gotta get our boys back! [gets up and rushes out]\nMr. Garrison: [relieved] Ogh! So now can I PLEASE get fired and get my 25 million dollars?!\nPrincipal Victoria: No, no, I think I have a better idea.\nScene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, Saturday, day. The boys' parents are at the front gate. Black-and-white fades into color, and Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters are present. They are quite thin, clearly undernourished, and their clothes fit loose on them.\nRandy: We're sorry, boys. Why didn't you tell us your teachers were acting so over-the-top?\nSheila: Yes. You boys don't know how much we suffered. [a close-up of the boys shows that Butters is the thinnest of them]\nStephen: Come on, let's go. [the boys and their parents head away from the gate. As they go, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are brought in by Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey. Two soldiers have them under gunpoint]\nMr. Garrison: But this is insane!\nPrincipal Victoria: I'm sorry Mr. Garrison, but it's obvious you aren't tolerant of your own behavior.\nCamp warden: [arrives] Vhat do we have here? Noo recruits? I assure you, the next veek will be nothing but pain and suffering! [pounds his right fist into his left palm]\nMr. Slave: Oooo, this could be kind of fun. [convulses all of a sudden, goes down on hands and knees, and coughs up the gerbil]\nSingers: Lemmiwinks has made it out and his tale is nearly through. [the three spirits he met in Mr. Slave's body now appear before him]\nCatatafish: Great job, Lemmiwinks.\nSparrow Prince: Thanks to you we are all free.\nFrog King: [draws close to Lemmiwinks] But your adventures are just beginning, for you are no ordinary gerbil, Lemmiwinks. You are the Gerbil King. [places a crown on its head, then backs up to join the other two animal spirits]\nThe Three Spirits: All hail the Gerbil King. [they disappear]\nSingers: Now that you're the Gerbil King there's more ventures to go on Fly away to faraway lands and to the setting sun There's still so many enemies and battles yet to fight For Lemmiwinks the Gerbil King could be told a thousand nights Lemmi- Lemmi- Lemmiwinks. Le- Lemmiwiiinks. Lehhmiwinks, Lem- Lem- Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, Leh-miwinks Leh-miwinks, Gerbil King.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, night. A camera sits atop an ambulance transmitting the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up at Hell's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.\nLiane: [steps out of the ambulance] Be careful with my baby.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses' station and rush by.\nBlonde nurse: What have we got?\nParamedic 1: [black hair] Not sure. It looks like a possible code five six!\nCartman: [disoriented] Kenny. Shut up, Kenny.\nLiane: [now helping the nurse and paramedics] You're going to be okay, baby.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door.\nDr. Doctor: [enters ready for surgery] Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT. And get something for the kid, too.\nLiane: Is he going to be okay?\nBrunette nurse: Let the doctor do his work, ma'am. [closes the curtain]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently. He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him.\nLiane: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?\nDr. Doctor: I'm afraid he's... running out of time.\nLiane: [thinks a moment, then] Why?? What's wrong with him??\nDr. Doctor: It's his time. It's ...running out.\nLiane: Well, what does he need?\nDr. Doctor: He needs to have more time.\nLiane: What can we do?\nDr. Doctor: Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist. [turns and walks out. Liane returns to Cartman]\nLiane: [cradles Cartman somewhat] It's going to be okay, baby. We're going to get you more time.\nCartman: Ey Kenny! God-damn you, Kenny!\nScene Description: Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.\nChef: Hello there, children.\nStan: Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They think he might die.\nKyle: Yeah, and, we don't know whether or not we should care.\nChef: Well what's wrong with him?\nStan: Well, nobody seems to know, but we think it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago.\nKyle: Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it, thinking it was chocolate milk mix.\nChef: Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?\nKyle: Well like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care?\nChef: Well, you should. Cartman is your friend whether you like him or not! Now, come on! We've gotta get to that hospital!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has returned.\nLiane: He's looking a little better today.\nDr. Doctor: Yes, but his time is still getting weaker. It will give out soon unless we do something. [the door opens and Chef, Stan and Kyle enter]\nCartman: [cheerfully] Hey you guys! How's it goin'?\nChef: Cartman?\nStan: No, that's Kenny.\nCartman: [surly] What the hell are you assholes doing here?!\nStan: That's Cartman.\nChef: [approaches and has a look] Oh my God! Eric, how long have you been channelin' Kenny?\nCartman: Oh, about a month.\nDr. Doctor: Let's not validate his delusions.\nChef: Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?\nCartman: He's gone again.\nChef: Ms. Cartman, we need to get Eric to a medium who can speak with people who have crossed over.\nDr. Doctor: What?? That's preposterous! What this child needs is a time transplant!\nChef: This hospital isn't gonna do any good. We need to take him to see John Edward.\nStan: Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV show where he brings people on and talks to their dead relatives.\nChef: That's right. We have to go see him in New York.\nDr. Doctor: I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's time could give out at any minute. He needs to be kept here where his time could be monitored.\nLiane: Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing roulette with my child's life! [switches mind gears] Ooo wait, Hairspray is showing in New York, isn't it? Let's go there.\nChef: Good. You children need to come too. Eric needs all the support he can get right now.\nKyle: We're going to New York?\nScene Description: An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the clouds.\nFlight Attendant: Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York. We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight. In a moment we'll be showing a preview.\nKyle: [the boys begin to put on headphones] Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?\nStan: Awesome!\nScene Description: The preview.\nAnnouncer: Rob Schneider was an animal. [a shot of him on all fours running through the forest] Then he was a woman. [Rob steps out of a shower and inspects his new breasts. He's shocked] And now Rob Schneider is... [a shot of him sitting on a desk dressed as a stapler, stapling papers together] a stapler. [he's showing being a stapler in front of some cheering frat boys from Gamma Gamma Delta] And he's about to find out... [he's shown trying to catch a bus as a stapler] that being a stapler [he's shown with a woman, still as a stapler. He tries to get close to her, but falls off the sofa] is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is... The Stapler. [title graphics show up] Rated PG-13.\nStan, Kyle: [remove their headphones] Weak!\nCartman: [giggles] Ha-heheheh. [the boys look at him; he takes his headphones off and looks at them] That was Kenny laughing, not me.\nScene Description: New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an HBC studio for John Edward.\nChef: This must be the place.\nPage: Okay audience members, hi, welcome to the taping of the show. [she collects tickets from members as they enter the studio] It's all general seating in there, and just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular dead person you wanna talk to, so just... keep an open mind.\nChef: Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will be able to help you.\nScene Description: John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up.\nAnnouncer: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [applause. John enters the set and steps on stage]\nJohn Edward: Thank you, thank you. Alright let's get started. [meditates a minute, then points to his right] 'S coming from over here. 'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody? [no reaction] I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike? Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike? Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?\nMan 1: Mary was my mother!\nJohn Edward: Okay okay, and she-she's she died?\nMan 1: [begins to sob. A woman comforts him] Yes. Yeh-yes she did.\nJohn Edward: Okay, and she's telling me there's something about... the money. That the, the money is safe? Is that making sense? [the man and woman look up]\nMan 1: M-mm-m. Not really.\nJohn Edward: Must be from somewhere else in the audience, then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-\nStan: Uh, over here please?\nKyle: We have a dead friend.\nJohn Edward: Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm getting ...someone now whose name is g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's k-.\nCartman: Kenny!\nJohn Edward: Kenny says hi.\nAudience Members: Wow! [applause] wow...\nJohn Edward: Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?\nStan: We told you that.\nJohn Edward: And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a good death. It was like a, it was a sad death. It was like a, it was like a death that made people sad. Does that make sense?\nKyle: Yee-yeah.\nAudience members: [applause] Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!\nChef: Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny how we can get him out, please?\nJohn Edward: [blocking] Doesn't work that way. [turns his attention to the boys] Now, Kenny is telling me that... you're his best friends, and he's in a ss-safe place.\nStan: No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.\nJohn Edward: Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?\nKyle: I'm Kyle.\nJohn Edward: Oh right. And uh, did an older woman pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a grandma?\nKyle: [responding] Yeah. My Grandma. [looks around] She's here?\nJohn Edward: She says there was something she asked you to do, and you're not doing it? She wants you to look for four white doves.\nKyle: Oh my God!\nJohn Edward: Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe it's a puh-? Or a huh-?\nWoman 1: My Harry died last year!\nJohn Edward: Oh, it's comin' from over here. [moves to the woman's side of the audience] I'm getting all kinds of voices today. [does a small skip] Woo! [laughter]\nStan: Heh hey wait a minute dude.\nJohn Edward: Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh well, he's saying that you two used to... do things.\nWoman 1: [sobs and nods vigorously] Mmm-hmm.\nJohn Edward: And that those things involved... stuff?\nWoman 1: The things did involve stuff, yes. [cries. The audience is awed and gets somewhat boisterous]\nScene Description: New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the boys exit. Kyle is missing.\nChef: Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!\nStan: He seemed better on TV?\nChef: Yeah. They must edit his shows down on television to only show him getting mostly right answers.\nKyle: [exits the studio a bit panicked.] Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.\nStan: [approaches Kyle] Dude, you don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you? [Cartman has a seizure; the other boys look over. Cartman goes silent, and he's shown standing unconscious.]\nLiane: Eric? [the others draw closer] It must be his time. I think it's running out!\nChef: We've got no choice. The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric are my parents. We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.\nScene Description: New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for their flights.\nChef: [walks to Stan and Kyle and gives them their tickets] Okay children, this is your flight back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver.\nStan: We don't get to go to Scotland?\nLiane: It's too far and your parents want you back home.\nStan: [to Cartman] Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso.\nCartman: Thanks, asshole.\nChef: Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You children get right on that plane now.\nAnnouncer: This is the final boarding announcement for Flight 342 to Denver.\nStan: [moving off slowly] That's us. Come on.\nKyle: Four white birds!\nStan: Huh?\nKyle: There's four white birds! [Sees a sign for Jewleeard, a private school for young Jews. The sign has four birds in flight above a small school, two stars of David flanking the building, and two traditional Jewish men in overcoats, one at each end of the sign. A phone number is shown underneath. Kyle and Stan walk closer to the sign] This is what Grandma wants? She wants me to attend Jewleeard.\nStan: Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually.\nKyle: So is it a coincidence that Grandma DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard someday?\nStan: Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna leave. [walks off]\nKyle: I'm not going back.\nStan: [stops and looks at Kyle, astonished] What??\nKyle: I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud! [drops his ticket on the ground] Tell my parents I'll call them. [hurries away]\nStan: Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap! [slaps his left palm on his face]\nScene Description: John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He rings the bell and is greeted by the butler.\nStan: Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please.\nButler: He doesn't do private readings.\nStan: I'm not here for a reading, I just need to ask him something real quick.\nButler: Alright, come on in. [steps aside for Stan to enter]\nScene Description: John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa.\nButler: Just wait here. I'll go fetch him. [the butler walks into another area of the house]\nStan: Jesus Christ.\nButler: [returns] Here he is. [presses a button next to a wide doorway]\nPre-recorded voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [John approaches and the butler presses a second button for applause]\nJohn Edward: Thank you, thank you.\nStan: Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. You, you did a reading on my best friend and uh, well you kind of messed him up.\nJohn Edward: Oh. [pulls out a card from his pocket and reads aloud] The John Edward show is not liable for opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only. [silence for a few seconds]\nStan: Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.\nJohn Edward: Maybe it is for real.\nStan: Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life.\nJohn Edward: Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head.\nStan: Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called \"intuition.\" Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.\nJohn Edward: Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life.\nStan: No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn't real.\nJohn Edward: But I'm a psychic.\nStan: No dude, you're a douche.\nJohn Edward: I'm not a douche! What if I really believe that dead people talk to me?\nStan: Then you're a stupid douche.\nJohn Edward: I think I've had of your bullying me! Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police!\nStan: I'm nine years old.\nJohn Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs up the stairs and towards his room as his voice gets whinier] You'd better get out of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the police! [Stan looks at him like he's nuts; he locks himself in his panic room]\nStan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche! [walks towards the door, but notices some books on a bookcase nearby. He checks them out. \"How To Be A Psychic\" \"Cold Reading: The Trick Of The Psychic!\" \"Make Women Believe You're Psychic! Then Have Sex With Them!\" \"How To Sixty Nine With Yourself\" ...Stan senses the real reason behind John's efforts] Son of a bitch. [takes the books and leaves the estate.]\nScene Description: An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane.\nCartman: Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut up, fatass!\nLiane: Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon.\nPilot: Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip to Edinburgh should take about twelve hours.\nCartman: Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!\nPilot: In the meantime we'd like to show you a complimentary film.\nCartman: Oh, good. [All passengers put on their headsets.]\nAnnouncer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive [Rob walks into the scene with a briefcase, then he's in a hot tub with a beautiful woman] With everything going for him. [now in his office, he gets up and straddles his desk. He then pretends the desk is a horse] Only problem is, he's about to become... [he walks up to a mirror and looks at himself] a carrot!\nRob Schneider: I'm a carrot!\nAnnouncer: It's 24-carrot comedy. [hops away from a pursuing rabbit]\nRob Schneider: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!\nAnnouncer: [title text is shown] Rob Schneider is A Carrot. Rated PG-13.\nCartman: Oh for the love of Christ. [switches from miffed to excited] I wanna watch, fat boy! [...and back to miffed] No, Kenny, it's not funny!\nScene Description: The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school. Stan runs up to intercept him.\nStan: Kyle! Kyle!\nKyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is what my grandma wants!\nStan: Look, I went and saw that John Edward guy. He's just a big douche.\nKyle: He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!\nStan: Kyle, you can't run your life based on what some douchey psychic said. They all just use a technique called \"cold reading.\" They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them.\nMan 2: [listening, he approaches] Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.\nStan: No, he's not.\nWoman 2: Yeah. My sister told me he knew our mother's name and when she died. [other adults begin to arrive and give testimony]\nConstruction worker: John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked up to a guy on the street, and said his dead father wanted to say \"Happy Birthday,\" and it WAS his birthday.\nWoman 3: Yeah kid, how do you explain that?\nStan: [looks around at the adults, then] Alright, look. I'll show you. I just need a volunteer. How about you?\nWoman 4: Oh-ho. Me? [steps forward. The others clap]\nStan: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead person is talking to me about you, okay?\nWoman 4: Okay.\nStan: Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older man, someone very close to you.\nWoman 4: My father?\nStan: Does this month, November, hold a special significance?\nWoman 4: [gasps] My birthday's in November!\nStan: Right, because he's saying, \"Tell her 'Happy Birthday.'\"\nWoman 4: Oh my God.\nStan: See, Kyle? I just started with something really vague. I chose an older man because I'm betting that, based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead. But if her father wasn't dead, I could still say it was some other older man.\nMan 2: Well then how'd you know her birthday was in November?\nStan: I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything. Her father could have died in November, or Thanksgiving could have been really special for them. But I go with the birthday and validate it now, as if I knew, by saying \"He wishes you a Happy Birthday.\"\nWoman 4: [gasps] What else does he say?\nStan: Okay, I'll just use an old standard. He's saying \"the money. Stop worrying about the money.\"\nWoman 4: [gasps] Oh my God! My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance.\nWoman 3: That's amazing.\nStan: No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue, and money is something everyone worries about.\nMan 3: That sounds a little too coincidental.\nMan 4: Yes. There's only one explanation. This kid can communicate with the dead!\nAdults: Wow!\nStan: What?! [his deconstruction didn't work. The adults crowd in]\nMan 2: Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.\nWoman 3: Can you try to reach my grandfather.\nStan: No wait.\nConstruction worker: You have to tell me if my sister's in a good place. [Kyle walks away from the crowd and into Jewleeard]\nMan 5: Yeah, help me out too, 'k?\nMan 6: I'm next. I'm next.\nMan 7: Hey, get out of my way!\nMan 8: Do me!\nScout: Kid, how would you like your own talking to the dead show?\nScene Description: Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the door.\nChef: Hi Pop.\nThomas: Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you now.\nChef: These are my friends, the Cartmans. [presents them]\nThomas: Well come on in out of the cold now. [the guests enter] There's heavy fog on the moors tonight. [closes the door, then leads them to the living room] Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nellie.\nNellie: Oh, my baby come home!\nChef: Hi, Momma! [gives her a hug]\nNellie: Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till nine.\nChef: Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.\nLiane: Please, call me Liane.\nNellie: So nice to have you here, Liane.\nThomas: And is this the children you told us about?\nChef: Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.\nThomas: Well, let's see here now. [genuflects and checks Cartman out in various places on the body] Mhm, mhm, mhm. [stands up] Yeup! There's definitely more than one children in there.\nLiane: Oh dear.\nThomas: Nellie, you best have at it now.\nNellie: Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too. [walks off to the kitchen muttering] Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame me, a woman can't bake no roast and do everything else at the same time. [Thomas walks off to his left] Can't say that the roast is gonna be terrible, maybe just a little dry. [Thomas returns with a stool] But I suppose we can make some extra gravy to take the dryness out later. [Nellie returns dressed as a shaman with angel wings]\nThomas: Alright, children, stand up on this chair now.\nCartman: Right now?\nThomas: Yes, right now. [Cartman steps up on the small stool and Nellie begins to work on him.]\nNellie: [waving her scepters] Na kamaa karash meh nah- [strikes Cartman]\nCartman: Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.\nNellie: Come out now. Come out now.\nChef: Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing.\nNellie: You all come out of there now.\nScene Description: \"The Other Side\".\nAnnouncer: At a very young age one young boy learned he had a special gift. This is \"The Other Side.\" [the curtain rises to reveal Stan on set with the studio audience clapping. He steps forward and the curtain falls down behind him]\nStan: Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully. [the applause dies down] This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay? [puts his hand to his temple] They want me to acknowledge Pete, or Peter.\nWoman 5: [jumps up] Yes! Yes, my Peter! [begins to sob]\nAudience: Wow!! [begins to clap]\nStan: No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick a random name and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response. Now that I see that there's a lone woman crying, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, \"Peter was your husband?\"\nWoman 5: [sobbing] Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!\nAudience: Wow!! [begins to clap]\nWoman 6: Oh wow!\nStan: [getting annoyed] Stop it! I didn't do anything!\nMan 9: [rises and accuses] You knew Peter was dead!\nStan: [reminding] I didn't start by saying Peter is dead! I started by saying, \"They want me to acknowledge Peter.\" That could have meant Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter had died. I couldn't be wrong, see? Now, I can look at this woman and see that she's fairly young, so odds are her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, \"I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely.\"\nWoman 5: [sobbing] Yes, it was.\nAudience: Wow!! [begins to clap]\nMan 10: Amazing!\nWoman 7: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.\nStan: [frustrated, with right hand over his clenched eyelids] Okay. Let's back up. [each audience row backs up to the one behind it] Not literally!\nScene Description: McElroy manor, night. Nellie is still working on Cartman. He's laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism.\nThomas: In the name of all that is holy we demand this spirit be set free!\nCartman: Ahh, Aahhhh! [the adults back away from the bed. Soon, an orange glow appears on Cartman's belly]\nThomas: There we go! We're gettin' somethin' now!\nNellie: Come on out, spirit. Go!\nThomas: Come on out hyow! It's safe! [Cartman groans with the pain Kenny's spirit is causing him. Thomas quickly moves to the foot of the bed] Here it comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh! [a timer goes off]\nNellie: Oooo, that's the potatoes. [she removes all her costume and heads to the kitchen]\nThomas: [a few seconds later] Well hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman! [Nellie stops and turns around] The soul's comin' out hyuh! [Cartman writhes on the bed as Kenny's spirit now glows from Cartman's pants] It's almost done. Alright, son. Now bring me the victim child!\nChef: The victim child?\nThomas: Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice so we can put Kenny's soul into its body. [Chef looks off to his right. Liane and Thomas follow his gaze]\nNellie: Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child.\nChef: Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?\nNellie: We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from. [Cartman groans once more, and Kenny's spirit bolts out and bounces around the room. The adults try to dodge it]\nThomas: God-damnit! The spirit's out and it don't have no where to go!\nNellie: Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains.\nScene Description: Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider is dancing around like John Travolta.\nAnnouncer: Rob Schneider derp de derp. [next scene: he's walking down a city street when a pretty woman passes by. He looks back at her] Derp de derpity derpy derp. [he runs into a light standard. Next scene: he's a lab technician working with nitrogen. He drinks a strange liquid] Until one day, the derpa derpa derpaderp. [Rob is shown dancing like a monkey on the street] Derp de derp. [he's in a house begging like a dog in front of a woman] da teedily dumb.\nRob Schneider: [rises a bit, then starts falling backwards down the stairs] Whoa! [hits the ground floor landing]\nAnnouncer: From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13.\nScene Description: The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches him with a stack of papers.\nStan: Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials on the Internet saying that John Edward has the entire studio wired to hear what people are talking about before the show. And, he pays actors to be plants in the audience.\nKyle: You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.\nStan: Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New York?! Then go ahead! [throws the stack away and leaves. He reaches the front doors, opens them, and is face-to-face with John Edward]\nJohn Edward: So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?!\nStan: No, I don't think either one of us can. [Kyle gets up from his seat and leaves the room]\nJohn Edward: They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better not ever call me a liar, or a fake, or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander!\nStan: I'm saying this to you, John Edward, you are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the biggest douche ever!\nJohn Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?!\nStan: Because the big questions in life are tough: Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!\nJohn Edward: I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!\nStan: Fine, douche! [slams one door on him...]\nJohn Edward: I'm not a douche! [...then the other]\nScene Description: The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it around to capture it somehow.\nThomas: Well come on, the soul's in here! It can't escape now. [Liane and Chef enter the room] It's goin' to the light! Unfortunately, it's the livin' room light.\nNellie: I'll open a window, you try to chase it out, Thomas.\nThomas: Go on now, soul now!\nNellie: Here, spirit, come out the window. [opens a window] I'll give you tree-fiddy. [holds out some money for the spirit]\nThomas: Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy, woman!\nNellie: I'm just tryin' to persuade it.\nThomas: Well I know, but you can at least start at about two quarter or somethin' [the spirit comes out of the light and flits out of the living room] Aw Christmas, there it goes again!\nNellie: [drops the money] It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas, the pot roast! [heads for the kitchen after the spirit]\nScene Description: The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail.\nThomas: Over here!\nLiane: Get it down.\nNellie: Don't let it get in the roast! [the spirit moves over the roast. The others move with it, but the spirit dives into the pot roast, making it bounce. The adults crowd in and look at the pot roast]\nThomas: Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot roast now.\nChef: What do we do with it now?\nNellie: [turns around to get something] Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap so you can take it home with ya. Should last a few months in the freezer. [turns around with a box of Saran Wrap]\nCartman: [entering refreshed] Hey, ah I feel a lot better.\nChef: Eric, you're okay! [the others gather around him. Liane kneels to hug him]\nLiane: Oh, baby, your time is back!\nNellie: [lays a hand on Cartman's head and pronounces] This child is clean.\nScene Description: The John Edward studio.\nAnnouncer: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's \"Psychic Showdown.\" Here are John Edward, and Stan Marsh. [both of them enter and get on stage. The studio audience applauds]\nJohn Edward: Thank you. [the applause dies down. He turns to Stan] Alright, asshole! I know you're here to try to throw me off, so go ahead. Give me your best shot!\nStan: No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to the audience.\nJohn Edward: Wah-why?\nStan: You see, I learned something today. At first I thought you were all just stupid, listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand that you're all here because you're scared. You're scared of death and he offers you some kind of understanding. You all want to believe in it so much, I know you do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but think about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to this asshole? [the audience is listening] We need to recognize this stuff for what it is: magic tricks. Because whatever's really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than this douche. [more audience listening, reflection. Kyle is present. One man claps, then others clap with him, then murmurs are heard]\nAudience members: Yes. Right. Yeah. [John looks angrily at Stan]\nKyle: [now next to Stan with fake beard in hand] You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't floating around, judging me and watching what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone forever.\nStan: Yeah.\nJohn Edward: But I do have a special power! I know I do!\nStan: There's nothing special about you, dude. Get over yourself.\nJohn Edward: God-damnit, I'm special!! [a rumble is heard, the studio shakes, and a bright light shines from above. John, Stan and Kyle look up in wonder]\nMan 11: What the?\nWoman 8: Aaaah! [the ceiling above the studio begins to crack, and a huge red spacecraft breaks through, descending to the ground. Stan and Kyle step back. The craft settles down and a door opens downward to become a staircase. Aliens appear and descend the stairs]\nLead alien: [with two noses, and a pair of eyes for each nose. The eyes stick out like antennae] Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy. [the other aliens take a bow] We seek the great John Edward.\nJohn Edward: Why that... that's me!\nLead alien: Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [extends his... \"hand\"]\nJohn Edward: [extends his hand and gives the alien a handshake] Well, thank you very much! [looks smugly at Stan]\nStan: No, it can't be.\nLead alien: I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche In the Universe! [the other aliens clap]\nJohn Edward: What?!\nAlien 2: [in purple robes, with yellow legs] You are the first nominee from the Milky Way Galaxy.\nAlien 3: [with four arms] Congratulations!\nStan: Oh, dude! [smiles]\nAlien 2: If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show. [the aliens escort him into the spacecraft]\nJohn Edward: No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people feel good about themselves! [the door closes and the spacecraft takes off] I give people resolution! [the craft is seen going straight up, then off in a random direction. Stan and Kyle look on, then they turn around]\nStan: Now do you people believe me?\nMan 12: Well I don't know. How did Edward know my father died in March?\nScene Description: Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef exit the airport.\nCartman: God-damnit that was a long flight! I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass smelly Scotland!\nLiane: Oh it's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie.\nChef: Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny back to his parents. Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?\nLiane: I thought you got it.\nCartman: It's still at baggage claim!\nChef: Aw, damnit! Come on! [they go back into the airport] We've gotta find him! Kenny!\nScene Description: Commercial.\nAnnouncer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor [he's seen dancing around on the red carpet on his way into the Chinese theater] who seemed to have it all, [now sitting at his desk counting his millions] until one day, he came across a pot roast, [standing in line at Denver International, he sees the pot roast on a table. The roast is labeled \"Chef McElroy, South Park\"] and his life changed forever. [he's taken the roast home and is carving it up and eating it. He senses something is wrong] Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old boy. [first, on a hobby elephant as the kids watch then, in Kenny's room getting dressed; then, waiting at the bus stop with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] And he's about to find out [now getting on his desk and dancing] that being eight [now on all fours attempting to kiss Millie. Barbrady and partner show up; next, he's running down the street trying to escape the officers] ain't so great. [standing on the Kenny McCormick Memorial Square stage, suffers the same fate Kenny did back when Kathy Lee Gifford came to town - getting shot and then impaled on the South Park flag pole] Rob Schneider is KENNY! [title text and graphic come up] Rated PG-13.\nScene Description: Somewhere in space...\nAnnouncer: Live, from the space station Xion, in the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest Douche In the Universe Award! [title graphic comes up. Inside, one finds that this is the 478th Annual Award. The auditorium is huge, with two balcony levels]\nLion-head alien: This year's nominees are...\nBee alien: [yellow, with nine eyes, two large wings, and a mouth at the very top of the body] Quaglar the Destructor, Andromeda Galaxy, Planet J-11. [applause. A massive shackled green alien roars]\nLion-head alien: Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet Neeu. [a robot with a metallic sledgehammer]\nDamanta Unit 5: Derrr. [hammers himself on the head with the sledgehammer]\nBee alien: John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth. [some aliens around Edward start to cheer]\nJohn Edward: I'm not a douche!\nLion-head alien: And finally, Ursula, the giant douche [a douche bottle with applicator] from the Horsehead Nebula, Station J-12.\nBee alien: And the winner for Biggest Douche In the Universe is... [opens the envelope and reads] It's John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!\nJohn Edward: [a lovely alien woman comes to take him to the stage] Uh no, come on now! [once on stage, he gets a beauty-pageant treatment, complete with banner over his shoulder saying \"BIGGEST DOUCHE\" and a crown]\nFrankenstein alien: Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the Universe! In all the galaxies, there's no bigger douche than you! You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going, douche. Your dreams have come true!\nAnnouncer: Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded by litter. They are Jimmy, Token, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman. Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana joint and some paper.\nKyle: [thrusts the bag at Clyde] Throw it away, Clyde!\nClyde: I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it away.\nStan: [arriving] What's going on?\nKyle: [points at the joint] Some high schoolers left their marijuana cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw it away before some kids find it or something.\nStan: So throw it away.\nClyde: Nobody wants to touch it.\nKyle: What if the residue gets on our hands and it leads to harder drugs like those commercials say?\nCraig: Yeah, didn't you see that commercial where it says that if you have pot you could become a terrorist?\nClyde: And the commercial where the two kids have pot and the one kids shoots the other. Harmless?\nStan: You guys, those commercials are just exaggerations.\nToken: How do you know? None of us had ever had any drugs before.\nJimmy: Well, I did Ecstasy once. [the other boys look at him] Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having... sex. [the other boys just stare]\nKyle: ...Where did you have sex with her?\nJimmy: In her... va-vagina. [smiles, but the other boys remain silent] Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience.\nStan: [annoyed at his friends' skittishness] It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you.\nCartman: [takes the bag from Kyle and offers it to Stan] Then you throw it away, smartass. [Stan walked into that one]\nStan: Fine, I will. [takes the bag and walks over to the stump, faces the boys, and tosses the joint into the bag] There, see? I touched marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't shoot anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal.\nScene Description: South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches \"The Osbournes\" with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking to his kids.\nOzzy: You kids fucking don't fuck around with your fucking mom!\nJack: Dad, we fucking can't! It's a big flick a fuck!\nSharon: [enters scolding] Stan, what did I tell you about watching The Osbournes?\nStan: Aw, come on, Mom.\nSharon: It's going to make you retarded! [starts flipping channels, then settles on a news report, then walks away]\nStan: It's just a show! It doesn't have any fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake!\nGrandpa Marvin: Oh goody. Now we can watch the news.\nTom: In other news, South Park police are still looking for a craaazy man who terrorized the town one hour ago. [a silhouette of a man running is behind the words \"CRAZY MAN\" and a question mark is on the silhouette] The man claimed to be from the future and ran naked through the city streets screaming \"The past! The past! Oh my God, it's the past!\" Which is what one would expect someone from the future to yell. [a knock is heard on the front door, Sharon goes to answer it. Before her stands a disheveled man with long brown hair and stubbly beard. He's wrapped in a large towel and wears a blue cap with red piping and puff, like Stan does]\nNaked Man: [slurring his voice] Oh my God, it's the past! [looks at Sharon] Oh, whoa man, it's you!\nSharon: Who are you?\nNaked Man: It's me, Mom, your son Stan. [Sharon looks shocked, and the camera zooms in on that. Behind her, still watching TV, are Stan and Marvin. Stan looks over]\nRandy: [joining Sharon at the door] Who is it, Sharon?\nNaked Man: Dad!\nRandy: Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you don't know us! Just go away before we call the police!\nStan: [rises from the sofa and walks over] Who the fuck is it, Mom and Dad?\nNaked Man: No way, it's me from the past! [looks quite relieved]\nStan: I'm me from the past?\nFuture Stan: [genuflects to Stan, who leans back a bit] No, I'm you from the future! [rises, and Randy helps him up] Oh man, this is so messed up.\nRandy: [pushing the man out the door] Okay, we've had enough!\nFuture Stan: Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, and you don't like chicken. Mom, your maiden name is Kimble and you have a scar on your left knee from when you slipped in the swimming pool.\nSharon: [in hushed tones] Randy, what's going on?\nRandy: [in hushed tones] I don't know.\nFuture Stan: Dude, just let me talk to you for like, five minutes. After that I'll bail.\nScene Description: The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's enjoying a beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused at the man as he recounts his memories.\nFuture Stan: I can still remember when I was five and you both found that squirrel I'd been keeping in the closet and, you let me keep it for another week and then it ran away but... I know that's just what you told me. I know that Mom had actually let it out.\nRandy: How could he possibly know all that unless... he is our son from the future.\nSharon: But why are you back in this time with us, son?\nFuture Stan: I have no idea, man. I was just about to go asleep in an alley behind the crackhouse, [Stan is aghast at what he would become] and I shot up a little heroin, and then this electrical storm started. Next thing I knew I was running around in my own past, man. I thought... I was just tripping, but then I came down and I was still here. Oh, dude, it's so bizarre!\nStan: Oh dude, I should have never touched that marijuana!\nRandy: [laying hands on the man's shoulder] Stan, whatever's happened, we going to help you.\nSharon: [reaching out] That's right. We're a family no matter what time shift.\nFuture Stan: Thanks. Can I get another beer?\nSharon: You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep?\nFuture Stan: That'd be killer. Where can I crash?\nSharon: Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind sharing his room, would you, Stan?\nStan: What?? I have to share my room with my future self?? Oh no! [squeezes his eyes shut and buries them in his right hand]\nSinger: Here we are, face to face, \"My Future Self -n- Me\" [Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer]\nStan: [right at the camera] Stop it.\nSinger: So much alike, and yet so different\nStan: [Stan's future self joins him in bed after freshening up in the bathroom] No.\nSinger: One of them's messy, the other one's clean! [Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed off] Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree [Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into the sink]\nStan: Quit it.\nSinger: But in the end we know we're good for each other [both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration] Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- MeFuture Self -n- Me, Future Self -n- [Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light off and tries to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves to turn it off, and they fight over the switch until one of them sleeps] Me\nScene Description: Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan.\nStan: Hey guys.\nKyle, Cartman: Hey.\nFuture Stan: Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool to see you guys.\nCartman: Who's this asshole?\nStan: This is my future self. He came during the electrical storm last night and is caught in a time matrix. He's me when I'm 32.\nKyle: Wow. That's pretty cool.\nCartman: Then how does he know our names?\nKyle: 'Cause, r-tard, he's Stan from the future. He knows everything Stan knows.\nCartman: Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag?\nFuture Stan: Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol. [Cartman has a hearty laugh]\nStan: Shut up, Cartman!\nCartman: That is so awesome!! Thank you God! [bows deeply] Oh praise God!\nKyle: Hey, what happens to me in the future?\nFuture Stan: Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost touch with you after I was sent to Juvi Hall in 2006.\nCartman: [pats Stan on the back] Juvi Hall! [laughs heartily, then gloats] Stan's a loser! Stan's a loser! [laughs heartily]\nStan: [under his breath] God-damnit!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other kids around.\nStan: Thanks for staying after school and tutoring me, Butters.\nButters: Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come you care about schoolwork all of a sudden?\nStan: I told you, I can't stand my future self. I have to do whatever I can to not become a loser like him.\nButters: Well, studying is the golden key to the imposing door of success.\nStan: I just can't stand having my future self around all the time! It's driving me crazy! [gets off his seat and starts pacing the floor] Maybe if I get smarter I won't become him and I won't have to share my room!\nButters: I know what you mean. I hate having my future self around, too.\nStan: Yeah, it's like everything I do, he... [stops and then looks at Butters] Wait a minute, what'd you say?\nButters: I said, I know how you feel. My life has gone completely downhill ever since my future self moved in. I hate him! All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. And that show is so stupid. [Stan is surprised by this account]\nStan: [after a moment] Dude, how long has your future self been around?\nButters: Oh. I guess it's been about four months now.\nStan: Four months?? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself from the future??\nButters: Nobody asked.\nStan: Where is he now?\nButters: Probably watching Becker.\nScene Description: Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and eating chips at the sofa.\nBecker: My name is T. Becker. The T stand for Terrific. [laughs. Future Butters finds this quite funny. Stan and Butters enter the house to meet future Butters.]\nButters: See, here he is. Future Butters. Future self, this is my good friend,-\nFuture Butters: Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing that puff-ball hat like always.\nLinda: [walks in with a plate holding a glass of water and a bottle] Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's time to take your liver medicine.\nStan: Liver medicine?\nButters: Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney from all the drinkin' he did in high school. [an air of determination appears] I need to learn to behave myself! [Stan crosses his arms and gets mad, then bolts for the door] Hey! Where are you going, Stan? [follows Stan out.]\nScene Description: Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with Butters in tow.\nStan: Alright, where is that son-of-a-bitch's wallet?!\nButters: Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh Stan?\nStan: Butters, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that both your future self and my future self got caught in a mexterdexed time plane? [starts rifling through future Stan's clothes]\nButters: Well we both got the same teacher for homeroom, too, but you didn't say anything then.\nStan: Here it is. [pulls out a wallet and reads the license. It's from the future, with LOSER printed in large letters on it and an expiration date of 10-19-2043] It has to be something eh... Wait, what's this? [pulls out a Motivation Corp. key card, expiring on 12/26/02] This expires in two thousand two. Why would he have this in his wallet?\nButters: I don't follow.\nStan: [flips the card over to see the info on the other side] Three four five one Colfax Avenue. Come on, Butters. [heads out the door.]\nButters: [excitedly] Oh! Are we out for an adventure? [follows Stan out]\nScene Description: Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street, then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street.\nStan: Here it is. Motivation Corp. [the camera pans up to show the name of the building. Stan puts the card into the reader next to the door. The door opens and Stan heads in.]\nButters: [turns away. Stan stops right at the entrance] I don't think we're supposed to go in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' somewhere else.\nStan: [walks up to Butters] Butters, part of being on an adventure is you go places you're not supposed to go. [heads in]\nButters: Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', huh Stan? [follows Stan in and closes the door.]\nScene Description: Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to portray their futures selves.\nStan: What the hell is going on here?\nA Voice: It should take about a month to achieve the results you want. [Stan hears the voice and pulls Butters behind some bushes underneath the window. Stan peeks out over the bushes. The director appears with a couple ] Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to be very pleased with the results.\nMr. Brooks: We sure hope so. We just don't know how to talk to our son about drugs.\nDirector: Well now you won't have to! Ah, here he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be playing the role of your future son.\nJosh: Nice to meet you, \"Mom and Dad.\" [they all laugh heartily]\nMrs. Brooks: My goodness, he does look a little like Kevin.\nDirector: Yes, and he knows all your family history and every detail of your house. And he's worked up quite a future for your son.\nJosh: I'm going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for eight years, where I was sodomized. In the ass.\nMrs. Brooks: Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay clear of drugs.\nMr. Brooks: Heh it sure should, heh.\nDirector: Alright, so we'll put the fake news report out on Tuesday night. Make sure your son is watching the Channel 4 News.\nMr. Brooks: Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the electrical storm as well?\nDirector: Motivation Corp. takes care of everything. [hands out some stapled sheets of paper] Just follow these simple scripts when your actor arrives.\nMrs. Brooks: [reads from her script] \"Listen to me, you crazy person, there's no way you can be from the future.\" Oh this is going to be fun.\nScene Description: Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters close behind.\nStan: I can't believe it! It's all a scam!\nButters: Yeah, I can't believe it!\nStan: They've all been lying to us this whole time!\nButters: This whole time! I wonder if my future self knows anything about this? [thinks about this a minute. Stan lowers his eyelids to half-closed as he realizes Butters is still clueless] Hey, maybe my future self remembers this happening, a-and can shed some light on this subject.\nStan: [closes his eyes a bit, then] Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes aren't our future selves! Our parents hired them to make us more motivated!\nButters: Eh, but then why did they come back to the past.\nStan: They didn't come back to the past, you dumbass, they're actors!\nButters: Oh... Oohhhh. [Stan rolls his eyes] But that's like they're lyin'.\nStan: It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied to you and my parents lied to me! Get it!\nButters: Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay!\nStan: Who's that?\nButters: You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and disorder!\nStan: What?\nButters: Follow me back home, Stan. It's time I let you in on a horrible s-secret! [heads off. This time, Stan follows]\nScene Description: Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan into his bedroom.\nButters: Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you may not like what you're about to see. [slides his closet door open, steps inside the closet, and slides the door shut]\nStan: We have to teach our parents a lesson! Show them they can't just play with our emotions like that!\nButters: [jumps out of the closet and cackles] Now you know my terrible secret!\nStan: ...You're gay? [Butters loses his moment] It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care.\nButters: Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan.\nStan: But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to! [walks off]\nButters: [walks downtrodden to the mirror and looks at himself] Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too much silver.\nScene Description: Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on.\nButters: How about this? Winter Park. It looks kinda nice.\nStan: No, we gotta run away somewhere warm.\nButters: Wow, look at this, Stan. [reads from the paper] \"Are you sick of your parents? Do you want revenge for something they've done to you? Call the Parental Revenge Center of Western America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. Results guaranteed.\"\nStan: [heading for the phone] Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing. [picks up the phone receiver and starts punching in the numbers]\nButters: Hey look, somebody lost their cat.\nStan: Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge Center of Western America? [listens for the answer] Ah I'm really pissed off at my parents and I wanna impose swift and horrible revenge upon them?\nButters: Look, you can make your wiener bigger in just three weeks.\nStan: [still on the phone] Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you located, please? [listens and writes down the address] Great, uumm, can I come by tomorrow?\nButters: This lady'll massage your wiener for ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty good deal.\nStan: Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you. [hangs up] That was easy! I just have to go to their office and they'll help me figure out how to get back at my parents!\nButters: [rises on his knees] Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my douchebag parents, too.\nStan: Fine, then you can come with me. [heads out the door]\nButters: Hooray! [follows him out] And then we can make our wieners bigger, and have the lady massage them.\nScene Description: South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address.\nStan: I guess this is it.\nScene Description: Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters enter. They look around as they approach the main desk.\nStan: Uh hello, we're here about the revenge on our parents?\nCartman: [an egg-shaped chair is seen, with its back to the boys] Yes, come in, please. [the chair turns around, and Cartman appears seated on it.]\nStan: Cartman??\nCartman: Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it was you guys.\nStan: What the hell are you doing here?!\nCartman: I'm running a business, Stan. Are you my eleven o'clock?\nButters: You're the Parental Revenge Center of Western America??\nStan: God-damnit, I knew this was too good to be true! Come on, Butters, let's go. [both boys turn and walk towards the door]\nCartman: Eh, so, you don't want to make your parents suffer and pay for mistreating you, then? [Stan and Butters stop in their tracks] Look, ah, I don't know what your parents did to you, but if you're here, I take it they pissed you off pretty good. Maybe you should at least ...hear what I have to offer?\nStan: [turns around] Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate business!\nCartman: That it is, I assure you. I started this business over three months ago from the ground up. I've been helping children get back at their parents ever since.\nStan: How many parents have you exacted revenge upon?!\nCartman: Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, but that was a freebie. Look, I run a legitimate business here with state-of-the-art computers, charts, and technology. Look around you. I know how it feels to be really, really pissed off at your parents. And I will work hard, for you. [Stan and Butters think a moment, then take seats before Cartman]\nStan: Our moms and dads lied to us about those future selves! It was just a trick to get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol.\nCartman: [lets out a heavy sigh] God-damnit! See? This is exactly why I started this business. If a parent can't respect their child, than who can they respect, huh?\nButters: Yeah!\nCartman: Listen! Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences. They need to see consequences from their actions, or else they'll never learn. What my company does is inflicts those consequences upon the parents in a very real and very direct way.\nStan: How much is this going to cost us?\nCartman: Eighteen thousand dollars. [Stan looks angry, Butters looks to him for guidance] How about just... three hundred and eighty seven easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, ninety five. [Stan still looks angry, Butters follows] How about five bucks?\nScene Description: Motivation Corp., day.\nDirector: So, everything is working out with your future actor? Your son seems to be responding.\nRandy: I think he's pretty scared alright.\nSharon: It's just a little weird having people lying to our boy like this.\nDirector: Well, you know what us ultra-liberals say, when it comes to children and drugs, lies are OK. The ends justify the means. We'll take smoking, for instance. The truth is there's no hard evidence that second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe it's okay to lie about it as long as it gets people to stop smoking.\nSharon: Well that makes sense.\nDirector: So it is with everything here at Motivation Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell kids that all marijuana supports terrorism. [a shot of a marijuana leaf superimposed over the burning World Trade Center] Or that... one pill of Ecstasy is gonna kill them. It's not necessarily true, but the ends justify the means.\nRandy: Well I think when this is all over, our son is gonna thank us.\nScene Description: Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as is the egg-shell chair.\nCartman: Okay, Butters, let's start with you. I think I've found a great way to get revenge on your parents. Just... tell me if I'm going in the right direction here. [displays a few brochures and opens one] What we're going to do, Butters, is we're going to wait for your parents to leave the house, and then, smear all the walls... with poop.\nButters: Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore.\nCartman: Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches. [displays some swatches with poop samples on them]\nButters: Poop- poop swatches?\nCartman: Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I wanna find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents.\nButters: Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?\nCartman: Now, personally, I like the baby green. [switches to a new swatch] But I also think the classic brown would go nicely with your house.\nButters: Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, Eric! I don't know which swatch I like best.\nCartman: Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, uh Butters, is go with the baby green in the living room, and then maybe a classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn crunch in your parents' bedroom.\nButters: Well that sounds good.\nCartman: Okay, well let's do that then. That looks nice.\nButters: Hooray!\nCartman: Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school.\nStan: [brightly] Yeah.\nCartman: The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office.\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: Your parents will drive all the way out to the school discovering that no meeting is actually taking place.\nStan: Yeah!\nCartman: And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls with poop. [Stan's excitement vanishes]\nButters: Wow! Neato!\nStan: That's not neato, that sucks.\nCartman: What?\nStan: You're gonna smear Butters' parent's walls with poop. I thought each revenge was unique and customized!\nCartman: Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right now, Stan, and... have you seen the poop swatches.\nStan: Dude, that's not extreme enough! My parents aren't gonna learn their lesson from having some crap smeared on their walls! I want them to see what they did was wrong! I want them to have to admit that they lied to me!\nCartman: Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, ...my first idea. That's why we have these consultations. [throws the brochure away and gets some paper from inside the desk] Okay, okay, lemme, lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure your parents out of the house, and then we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the dog.\nStan: Dude!\nCartman: Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday?\nStan: No, that's too extreme!\nCartman: [sighs] Well first it's not extreme enough and then it's too extreme; where do you want it?\nStan: Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know what you're doing! [leaves his seat and heads for the door.]\nCartman: I am a professional, suh! [watches Stan leave] Don't worry, Butters. You're gonna be a hundred percent satisfied.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room table eating tacos and chips.\nStan: Hey future self.\nFuture Stan: Yes, former self?\nStan: You know that thing that I kept hidden in the hole in the wall for two years that I've never told anybody about? [future Stan looks at Stan as if the boy were crazy] You know, the thing that I take out of the shoebox every night before I go to sleep?\nFuture Stan: Oh, uh...\nStan: You must know what I'm talking about.\nFuture Stan: Sure uh, uh, [quickly rises from the table and walks toward the dining room entrance] oh man, could you all excuse me for a second? I think I'm gonna crap my pants. [leaves. Stan crosses his arms, quite annoyed]\nSharon: Uh, Stan, [Randy stops eating his taco and looks at Stan] don't you think you're upsetting your future self a little?\nRandy: Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself.\nStan: Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is from the future. [Sharon and Randy shift in their chairs]\nRandy: Oh. You. You don't?\nStan: No. [plants his hands along the table's edge] You know what I think? I think this is all an elaborate hoax! [crosses his arms again] And I think that whoever is doing it doesn't have very much respect for me! [uncrosses his arms] See, the best way to try to motivate somebody is by being direct with them, to be honest with them. I think the whole future self thing is a lie, and lies are never the right way to get your message across.\nRandy: Well, you know what I think, Stan?\nStan: What?\nRandy: I think he IS from the future.\nSharon: Yeah, he must be. [Stan looks at them with eyebrows knitting] It's like, I just feel he's our son, you know?\nRandy: Right. That's mother's intuition; you can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think the only way you're gonna get rid of him is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol.\nSharon: Right. [Stan looks at them with anger, then looks forward with anger]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered. Cartman enters and walks around the living room.\nCartman: Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, uh, God-damnit! Felipe! [a painter descends from the small ladder he's on] The classic brown poop is supposed to go in the parents' bedroom! The living room is supposed to be all baby green poop!\nFelipe: ¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí? [\"What? The poop isn't here?\"]\nCartman: ¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba arriba!\nFelipe: ¡Sí, sí señor! [\"Yes, yes sir!\"]\nCartman: Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú? [looks in another part of the living room] ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, no! We want a textured effect on the nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we [sees a sponge on the floor and picks it up] spackle with the sponge. [dips the sponge into a poop tray and spackles the wall with it] See? Spackle gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado.\nCarlos: Sí. Marrado. [\"Yes. Gently\"]\nCartman: Marrado. Spectacularrr.\nCarlos: Sí. [takes the sponge from Cartman and begins spackling]\nCartman: God, it's so hard to find good help. [runs into Butters, who has just entered the house] Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing so far?\nButters: Boy, it sure is stinky in here!\nCartman: Yearh, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, Butters. But I think it's coming together real nice.\nButters: Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', my parents are gonna be awful sore and I don't think-\nCartman: Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't I? [notices another worker] ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! ¡No come la taco la trabajar!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future Stan.\nFuture Stan: Yes, well, it's hard to find work in commercials, so I ended up- [the front door opens]\nRandy: Oh, Stan! [Sharon and Future Stan look. Stan enters the dining room]\nFuture Stan: Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you wanna go upstairs and play hide and go seek?\nStan: [takes a seat at the table] Hide and go seek, huh?!\nRandy: Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs and play with yourself?\nStan: I don't believe that he's my future self!\nRandy: Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd better assume he is and never try that first marijuana cigarette, huh?\nStan: No, I actually have a way to be sure. [whips out a meat cleaver in his right hand and places his left wrist on the table] I'm going to cut off my hand. If he is my future self, then his hand will disappear.\nSharon: [rises frantically] S-stanley you don't need to do that. He-he is your future self.\nStan: But I have to know for sure. [readies the cleaver]\nRandy: [stammers] Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna go through life without one of your hands. [Sharon is fearful]\nStan: Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do it.\nRandy: Stan...\nStan: Yes?\nRandy: Uh... nothing. Go ahead.\nSharon: Randy!\nStan: [lowers the cleaver onto his wrist. The left hand falls away, and he lifts his left arm] AAAH! [a red area marks where the left hand was]\nSharon: [Low-Pitched Scream, Shrieks Loudly] AAAHHH!\nRandy: Oh my God! Look! [points. Stan looks behind his seat. Randy moves quickly to Future Stan and chops off his left hand. Blood spurts out. Stan faces the adults again as Future Stan screams in pain] What? His hand did disappear! He is you from the future!\nFuture Stan: Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me!\nStan: That's weird, because I really didn't cut off my hand. It was fake.\nRandy: Uh.. [tries to put Future Stan's back in place] Look, it was fake in the future, too. [Future Stan passes out in shock]\nSharon: Looks like you'd better really watch out for marijuana, huh Stan?\nScene Description: Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their work finished.\nCartman: Well Butters, I hope you like the work. I'm sure your parents will be plenty pissed off.\nButters: Uh, and after my parents get angry, uh how do we get the poop off the walls?\nCartman: Ooo, ah, that's a different company. [the doorbell rings] Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ¡Vamonos!\nButters: Uh but Cartman! Wait! [once Cartman and crew leave, Butters faces the front door] Oh Christmas! [the door opens and Stan enters]\nStan: Butters!\nButters: Oh, Stan!\nStan: Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells in here.\nButters: Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden.\nStan: Butters, we're running away!\nButters: We are?\nStan: Our parents are never gonna admit what they did was wrong, and they're never gonna change! [Stephen, Linda, and future Butters enter with groceries]\nStephen: What the hell is this?!\nLinda: Oh my God, our house!\nButters: [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands] Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now.\nStephen: [both parents approach with hands on hips] Butters! Do you have an explanation for this?!\nButters: Oh, not really sir, I just uh...\nLinda: Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? This might be our fault.\nStephen: What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. This is what we get for deceiving our son.\nStan: [watching his words fall apart] Huh?\nStephen: Butters, listen. The whole future self thing, well, it was a dirty fib.\nLinda: We just so desperately wanted you to never try drugs that we used a big scare tactic instead of ...telling you the truth.\nStephen: We thought the ends justified the means, but they don't. They just... don't, son! [starts crying as he and Linda hug Butters]\nLinda: We're sorry, baby. [starts crying also. Butters, feeling the love, smiles, then grins.]\nStan: Get the fuck out of here. [Randy and Sharon rush into the house]\nRandy: Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might be wondering why Butters has a future self, too.\nSharon: Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time matrix pulled in more people from the future.\nStan: Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying to get you guys to do is admit that you lied to me!\nRandy: Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying to make sure you know how dangerous drugs like pot are.\nStan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!\nRandy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorists, but... Well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything.\nStan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning.\nSharon: He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations to keep kids off drugs, then they're never gonna believe anything we tell them.\nRandy: Well, there's only one person I can blame. Motivation Corp.!\nScene Description: Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it.\nDirector: Oh God, who smeared crap all over our walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh!\nRandy: You really did a nice job, Eric. [Sharon holds a box of cookies]\nStan: Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came through.\nCartman: Thank you. I thought the hangover black went really nice in the lobby.\nSharon: Well here, Eric, I cooked you a huge box of cookies as a present.\nCartman: Thanks. But you know, all this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should ...take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become.\nFuture Cartman: [Future Cartman walks into the scene. His appearance is tall, fit, clean, handsome, and wearing a suit] Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice.\nCartman: Who the hell are you?\nFuture Cartman: Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the future. [genuflects] I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company!\nCartman: [sets the box of cookies down] Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful!\nFuture Cartman: Right on!\nCartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want! [The Marshes leave. He joins them] Whatevuh! I'll do what I want!\nFuture Cartman: No, wait! [flashes of electricity runs through his body. His form becomes obese, dirty, and disheveled. His suit becomes an dirty open blue shirt over a dirty white shirt with a name tag. He also holds a tool box and a wrench] Oh, God-damnit!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin, Kyle Schwartz, tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end up this year. Kyle Schwartz is seated at Cartman's desk with piles of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current.\nKyle Schwartz: Ah-a-a-alright, I'm done.\nCartman: You're done?\nKyle Schwartz: Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been naughty and deducted the times you've been nice.\nCartman: Yeah, so how's it look?\nKyle Schwartz: It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good.\nCartman: But I'll still be getting presents this year, right?\nKyle Schwartz: A-a-aactually it looks like this year you're gonna owe Santa three hundred and six presents.\nCartman: What?!\nKyle Schwartz: Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is, is bad.\nCartman: Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk]\nKyle Schwartz: Yes, wa-a-I didn't think \"hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot\" really counted as nice.\nCartman: It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes.\nKyle Schwartz: Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will know and then he'll come after you.\nCartman: [lunges at Kyle Schwartz and grabs him by the left arm] God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch!\nKyle Schwartz: Hey hey, [Cartman lets go] I'm just your naughty-and-nice accountant! Don't blame me for the numbers!\nCartman: Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa has to bring me one!\nKyle Schwartz: But what, look, aren't there any other nice things you've done recently we can write off here?\nCartman: [thinks a minute] Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night!\nKyle Schwartz: Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your teeth.\nCartman: Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still make up for it?\nKyle Schwartz: If you cured cancer... and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.\nCartman: Jesus Christ!\nKyle Schwartz: Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do... the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever. [sets his glasses right]\nScene Description: South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at the dais.\nMayor McDaniels: Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays!\nTownsfolk: Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! [Everyone in town is there, and some out of towners too. Seen in the crowd are Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, Shelly, Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Chef and his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Skeeter, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin, a Visitor, Fr. Maxi, Big-Gay Al, Mr. Adler, The Thompsons, a freak, Lolly, Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, and Kevin McCormick] Christmas Tree!\nCartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle, who are holding candy canes] Hi guys! [\"Christmas Tree!\" Cartman is feeling quite cheerful. He hugs both Stan and Kyle] A very Merry Christmas to you. God bless us, everyone! [he lets go]\nKyle: [naturally weary of Cartman's cheer] What are you doing, Cartman?\nCartman: I'm just letting you guys know how special you are to me.\nMayor McDaniels: But now, before we light the tree, I think we should all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us. [That gets the boys' attention] Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do to their country. The threat of war touches us all, but over in Iraq, there is no Christmas. They have nothing.\nJimbo: [to Ned] Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for her own political agenda. [uses his hands to make a megaphone and yells] Light the damn tree!\nTownsfolk: YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!\nCartman: Oh my God, that's it!\nKyle: What's it?\nCartman: Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing Christmas to the less fortunates! Follow me! [leaves in high spirits, then returns] You guys, come on! Right now! [Stan and Kyle shrug, then follow Cartman.]\nMayor McDaniels: Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. Jimmy. [aide 2 sets up a small mic for Jimmy to sing into. The crowd cheers as Jimmy approaches the mic.]\nJimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor, Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick.\nTownsfolk: [sympathizing] Awww.\nMayor McDaniels: Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks?\nTownsfolk: Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs!\nJimmy: Alright, h-here it goes. On the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa... a pa... pah...\nMr. Garrison: Oh no. [Mr. Slave, dressed in Santa bondage suit, stands next to him]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking at him run around.\nCartman: [breathlessly, comes out with the box and sets it down near the driveway] ...and here's some old toys that I don't need anymore. [rushes back inside] And here! Here's some Christmas cookies! [comes out with the box of cookies and sets it down] And some holly and mistletoe! [rushes in to get it, then comes out with the box, setting it next to the box of toys] Oh, this'll be the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys, get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, too.\nStan: Cartman, why are you doing this?\nCartman: They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give it to them.\nKyle: That's a retarded idea that won't work. Why are you really doing this?\nA Voice: [the boys look up and to their right] Hoooowwwwdy ho! [Mr. Hankey skips into view, from a house rooftop, to a garage rooftop, to hovering in front of the boys. Magic dust accompanies him]\nKyle: Mr. Hankey! [an instrumental of Mr. Hankey's theme song plays]\nCartman: [annoyed, softly] Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo. [in normal voice] Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you!\nMr. Hankey: Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What are you boys doin'?\nKyle: Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq.\nCartman: The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like everyone else.\nMr. Hankey: Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the Christmas spirit! [Cartman bounces around joyously] I know someone who can help. Santa Claus!\nCartman: Really?\nStan, Kyle: Really?\nMr. Hankey: Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away!\nKyle: But how are we gonna get to the North Pole?\nMr. Hankey: Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas magic. [raises his little arms and stirs up some magic dust. He unleashes it on a manhole cover in the middle of the street, which begins to rumble. The sewer underneath the manhole cover bubbles up and blows the cover off, and the poo spread and swirls around. A small tornado moves from side to side, then clears away, revealing a small train made of poo.] All aboard the Poo Choo Express!\nCartman: Wow!\nStan: Wuh, that smells. [lifts the front of his jacket over his nose]\nKyle: Yeah. [does the same]\nMr. Hankey: Next stop, the North Pole!\nCartman: [grabs the box of holly and mistletoe and heads for the train] Get the rest of the stuff you guys!\nStan: Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. [Cartman stops]\nKyle: Me neither.\nCartman: You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less fortunates! [moves on] Now come on!\nMr. Hankey: Let's go, Poo Choo Train! [pulls on the whistle cord]\nWhistle: Poo Choo! [the trains lurches forward and leaves a train of poo behind. Soon it's running smoothly]\nMr. Hankey: Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a\nWhistle: Poo Choo!\nMr. Hankey: All the way and back!\nCartman: Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing!\nKyle: Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman??\nStan: I don't know.\nMr. Hankey: Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train. [from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the North Pole]\nScene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing.\nJimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii...\nScene Description: The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops.\nMr. Hankey: Here we are, kids. The North Pole. [Stan and Kyle run off the train and put some distance between it and themselves]\nStan: Awww! [both of them release their breath and start coughing]\nKyle: Finally!\nStan: God, it took forever!\nCartman: Wow, is that where Santa lives?\nMr. Hankey: That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. [The fortress is shown in all its icy glory. The boys and Mr. Hankey head for the entrance. Two icy door slide apart and a gnome appears]\nGnome 1: Mr. Hankey!\nMr. Hankey: We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas business.\nGnome 1: Sure thing!\nScene Description: The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees.\nKyle: Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes?\nGnome 1: Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we help Santa! [leads the group out of the workshop] Here he is! [the group comes across Santa at his desk reading a list of names]\nSanta: [turns around] Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas!\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: [impressed] Wow!\nMr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Santa!\nSanta: [with open arms, approaches] Mr. Hankey, how are you?\nMr. Hankey: All ready for Christmas?\nSanta: I was just starting to look over the new naughty and nice list the gnomes prepared for me.\nCartman: Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then?\nSanta: Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end.\nCartman: [brushes it off] Oh, that's so lame of them. [Stan looks at him]\nMr. Hankey: Santa, my friends are trying to do something very special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric.\nCartman: [with hands behind his back] Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq who are afraid that we might bomb them and I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as well.\nSanta: You know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation.\nCartman: That's what I thought.\nSanta: Gnomes! [the gnomes gather around him] Load up the sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run!\nMr. Hankey: All right!\nSanta: And you boys can all watch me from our flight control room.\nCartman: Hooray!\nScene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing.\nJimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee...\nScene Description: The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer.\nGnome 1: This is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents.\nKyle: Wow, cool!\nMr. Hankey: Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to Baghdad. [four camera angles show Santa arriving in Baghdad: two side angles, one overhead, one front]\nScene Description: Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city.\nSanta: Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! [the Iraqi adults stop and look up. Two presents drop down before a house, the door opens, and two kids look at the gifts with saucer eyes. They come out and pick up the gifts, grinning brightly. They glance up at Santa, then look back at their gifts] Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all!\nIraqi man 1: [black beard] Paka klakalaka.\nIraqi man 2: [white beard] Anah kakadakadaka.\nSanta: Merry Christmas! [An Iraqi man shows up with a shoulder-mounted bazooka, aims at Santa, and fires the rocket. The sleigh is hit and Santa loses control of it.] I'm hit! I'm hit! [switch to North Pole]\nGnome 1: Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit! [switch to Baghdad]\nGnome 2: Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! [the sleigh swings around violently, tossing Santa off. Santa holds on to one of the skids]\nSanta: Hold on! [climbs up to the sleigh cab] Sleigh is going down! [switch to North Pole]\nGnome 1: Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down!\nStan: Hang on, Santa! [switch to Baghdad]\nGnome 3: [heard on the sleigh's radio] Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going down! [more chatter is heard as the sleigh heads for a crash landing. The sleigh strikes the edge of a building's rooftop and knocks away some of the façade]\nGnome 4: [on the sleigh's radio] Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! Don't look down! [the sleigh crashes and everyone who's on the ground looks for a place to hide. Presents are spilled all over. The area is soon empty save for Santa and the sleigh. Color vanishes. Switch to North Pole]\nGnome 1: [on the sleigh's radio] We got a red sleigh down. We got a red sleigh down. [Arabic music is heard as the boys look at the devastation] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response. The boys are in shock] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response] Mr. Kringle? [after a moment, turns around]\nGnome 5: Jesus Christ, they killed him!\nCartman: No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... He can't.\nStan: Why would Iraqis do that? Why?\nMr. Hankey: It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them.\nSanta: [over the radio] North Pole. This is Santa.\nMr. Hankey: Santa! Are you alright?\nGnome 2: What is your status?\nSanta: [on screen] Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for me! [the other gnomes begin to stream into the control room] Stay back, you bastards! Stay back! [the communications link is lost]\nStan: Oh no.\nCartman: Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have to go rescue him!\nGnome 5: What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine inches tall!\nCartman: [blubbering] Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot doll!\nKyle: Is that what this is all about?! [Stan shoots a quizzical stare] You came up with this whole idea so you could get a stupid toy?! [Stan is angry now]\nCartman: It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool.\nStan: Well good going, asshole! Thanks to you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!\nCartman: Oh, Christ.\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: [gasp] Jesus!\nMr. Hankey: Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody.\nGnome 2: Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh. [walks off. Mr. Hankey, the other gnomes, and the boys follow him]\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas.\nJimmy: On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, [the townsfolk have begun to fall asleep] ...my t-true love gave to... uh... me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings. [one of the mayor's aides falls asleep on her shoulder] Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four cal...ling buh-irr...\nScene Description: The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude.\nGnome 2: We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This sleigh should be able to take you right to him.\nStan: I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as dead.\nGnome 2: Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. [shown with its own team of reindeer]\nCartman: Come on, gang, it's up to us to save Christmas!\nMr. Hankey: Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have Santa back in no time!\nKyle: Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing?\nGnome 2: You just have to call out the reindeer's names.\nCartman: Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet-\nGnome 2: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. [each reindeer is highlighted as its name is called] On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the reindeer move forward and the sleigh soon rises into the sky] Good luck finding Jesus! [waves goodbye after them]\nScene Description: The night sky. The boys sail along the winds.\nCartman: Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh!\nMr. Hankey: We should be able to find Jesus in no time!\nCartman: I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles-\nKyle: What are you doing?\nCartman: [looks at Kyle, then lowers his eyelids a bit] I'm having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind.\nKyle: Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got shot down!\nCartman: [draws close to Kyle] Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis are filled with hate!\nKyle: All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing to make up for that!\nCartman: [resumes his position in back of the sleigh and speeds up his song] It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh...\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier.\nJimmy: Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds...\nScene Description: Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. They enter a room.\nSanta: Where are you taking me?? [one soldier seems to order the other two to strap Santa into a chair] You are all being very naughty. [a general enters]\nIraqi general: [soft-spoken] Why you come to Iraq, my main man?\nSanta: [a soldier ladles some water onto Santa] To bring happiness and joy to the children.\nIraqi general: And this is...? [carries a toy train and dangles a car in front of Santa] This is what you think brings happy? [walks behind Santa] This is material... [thrusts the toy train at Santa over the shoulder] This is commercialism! Your country is sick. Sick! [throws the toy train onto Santa's body and walks away]\nSanta: No, your country has just lost all its Christmas spirit. [a soldier approaches and opens Santa's pants.] What's going on here?!\nIraqi general: America wants to bomb my house, my main man. They want to kill my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan?\nSanta: I don't know, I live in the North Pole. [the general leaves, then soon returns with two rods attached to cables. A soldier cranks up the device they're connected to] What are you doing??\nIraqi general: They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment with an electroshock to the testicles.\nSanta: Oh no. Not Santa's balls! [The general descends on Santa's balls and makes them glow. This part is not shown, save for a shot of Santa's back and a glow coming from the front side. A few seconds later the general removes the rods and rises, and the glow fades. Santa coughs]\nIraqi general: What else is America planning?!\nSanta: [coughs some more, spits, and faces the general] I'm gonna fucking kill you!\nIraqi general: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my main man! I just want you to tell me America's plan!\nSanta: Then we're in for a long night, because I don't know shit! [the general glances at the soldier, who ratchets the charger up higher. Santa screams in pain]\nScene Description: An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners, blessing them for one thing or another.\nJesus: [blessing an elderly man with a few drops of wine] In nome del mio padre, siete guarito. [\"In the name of my Father, you are healed.\"]\nElderly Man: [as he is led away] Benedicali! Benedicali! [\"Bless you! Bless you!\"]\nWoman: Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. [\"Jesus, my son can't feel himself.\" (he's numb)]\nJesus: [blesses the infant] Il vostro bambino se arguisto. [\"Your son ...\"]\nWoman: Bene, Benedicali! [\"Bless, bless you!\" The boys' voices are now heard inside the church and the congregants look around. The sleigh crashes though a window and glass showers down over Jesus and the other people present] La morte rossa! [\"The red death!\" The sleigh alights and stops]\nMr. Hankey: Hooowdy ho! [the churchgoers panic and run out of the church.]\nCartman: Jesus!\nJesus: Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you doing here, my children?\nStan: Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down over Iraq!\nJesus: Santa? Is he alright?\nKyle: We don't know. They lost all contact with him.\nJesus: We have to get him out of there.\nMr. Hankey: Do you know a way?\nJesus: Yes. Yes, I think I do. [approaches an ornate cabinet] We need a little Christmas miracle. [slides the door open to reveal an armory. He starts taking out an Uzi] Lock and load! We're goin' in!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier.\nJimmy: On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love...\nScene Description: The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment on Santa's balls.\nIraqi general: You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man! [jabs the balls again, and Santa howls in pain]\nScene Description: Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over the city.\nCartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole! [Jesus looks over, Cartman notices] I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people.\nGnome: Red Sleigh 2, come in.\nStan: We're here.\nGnome: You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're right on top of him!\nJesus: He must be in that building below us. Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey.\nMr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Jesus. [the sleigh lands and a rooftop door opens.]\nSoldier 1: [clean-shaven] Gankueda!\nJesus: [steps off the sleigh and holds his arms up] Wait here, I can handle this.\nSoldier 2: [bearded] Kinkeda? Kinkakueda!\nJesus: Yay, look upon me, and know me.\nSoldier 1: Halak balah!\nSoldier 2: Kli malah!\nJesus: My children, you should know something. [a dagger shoots out and gets into position by his left arm] I'm packing. [quickly jabs the clean-shaven soldier in the throat, and the soldier gags to death. A gun with silencer descends along Jesus' right arm. He takes that and quickly kills the bearded soldier. He calls out to the others on the sleigh] Let's go! [Mr. Hankey and the boys leave the sleigh]\nCartman: This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys.\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier.\nJimmy: On the el- el- el- eleventh day of C- Christmas my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping...\nScene Description: The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow a can of oil.\nIraqi general: Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western capitalists want! [Jesus bursts through the door.]\nSanta: Jesus Christ! [Jesus kills the soldier at the charging station, then the other soldier. The general holds up his hands. Jesus shoots him on the left know and he falls.]\nIraqi general: Ach!\nSanta: Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! [Jesus walks up to Santa and unties him]\nJesus: Here. [hands him a gun] Can you walk?\nSanta: Santa's legs are broken. [Jesus moves his hands over them, then steps back]\nJesus: They are healed. [walks off. Santa follows, but turns around to face the general, who is cowering now. Santa fixes his gaze on the general and aims the gun. After a few intense moments Santa moves the gun off and fires twice. Jesus comes up behind Santa] Santa...\nSanta: I just couldn't do it. [Santa didn't miss after all. The general got one bullet to the brain, another one that split his head open] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls! [sirens go off]\nMr. Hankey: More soldiers are coming!\nJesus: Let's move. Move!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas.\nJimmy: Eight... maids are... milking...\nScene Description: A hallway. Jesus leads the others out.\nJesus: [stops at the foot of a stairway and turns around] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof! [a soldier comes down the stairs]\nKyle: Jesus, behind you! [Jesus looks at the boys. The soldier shoots Jesus in the back]\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: [in slow motion] Jesus! [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and then falls]\nSanta: [in slow motion] No! [fires away with his gun, killing the soldier. He then approaches Jesus and holds him] Jesus. Jesus! [Jesus stammers, but nothing comes out of his mouth] No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.\nJesus: You're a... bad liar. [the boys are speechless] Hey. B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?\nSanta: We sure did, Jesus.\nStan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.\nJesus: Uh Santa?\nSanta: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.\nJesus: Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit. [Jesus takes his last breath and expires. His halo disappears]\nStan: Oh my God. Iraqis killed Jesus.\nKyle: You bastards. [behind them, soldiers mass at the other end of the hall]\nSanta: [with a gun on each arm] Come on, kids! [turns around and rushes up the stairs. The kids follow]\nScene Description: The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while firing at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers.\nSanta: Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! [the boys run by screaming as Santa mows the soldiers down with both semiautomatics. More soldiers pour out, more bodies pile up. The boys sit down in the sleigh, and Stan and Kyle take the reins]\nMr. Hankey: Start the sleigh!\nStan: Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh...\nKyle: On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the sleigh begins to move forward and Santa runs out of ammo. He drops the guns and heads for the moving sleigh. He hops in and the remaining soldiers fire at the departing sleigh. The sleigh goes up and away]\nCartman: Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me-\nKyle: Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't fooling anybody!\nCartman: Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these people to understand what Christmas means.\nSanta: You're right, kid. [turns the sleigh around]\nMr. Hankey: What are you doin', Santa?\nSanta: I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna do it! [presses a button on his dashboard.]\nScene Description: Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying it, the bomb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at the door. \"Joy To The World\" plays as snow comes down from the sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder.\nSanta: Hohoho! Merry Christmas! [the sleigh sails above a street and Santa strafes the buildings on either side with more bombs. Each of the buildings is decorated with lights and Christmas trees, and presents appear under the trees. The sleigh goes down another street and bombs another building. It too is decorated]\nSoldier: [directing another soldier with a bazooka ready to fire] Dakadaka!\nStan: RPG, four o'clock!\nScene Description: Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A rifle in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath.\nMr. Hankey: Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now!\nSanta: Merry Christmas! Hohoho!\nScene Description: Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five more bombs. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased with theirs.\nSanta: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Hohohohoho!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is getting sleepy.\nJimmy: And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee. [a moment of silence follows. No more is heard from Jimmy]\nMayor McDaniels: That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the tree! [heads for the dais. Her aides follow. The townsfolk rouse themselves.]\nTownsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay!\nJimbo: Oh, finally!\nMayor McDaniels: Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until Christmas! [hands him the detonator by which to light the tree. The townsfolk are glad with anticipation, making fists. Jimmy lowers the trigger, the tree lights up and goes dark, and then a bulb explodes]\nTownsfolk: Awwww!\nRandy: Christmas is ruined again! [they begin to disperse, but jingle bells stop them in their tracks]\nSanta: [heard over the jingle bells] Ho ho ho! [Santa flies over the gathering and drops a bomb on the tree. It blazes forth with bright lights]\nTownsfolk: WOW!!! [cheering and applause follow. The sleigh lands and the occupants disboard]\nRandy: Stan!\nSheila: Kyle!\nKyle: [runs up to his parents] Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh!\nStan: [runs up to his parents] We brought Christmas to Iraq!\nSanta: [approaches the dais] Everyone! Everyone, can I please have your attention? [Cartman approaches his mom; they hug each other] Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day, we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.\nTownsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hooray!\nSanta: Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do. [leaves the dais]\nMr. Hankey: I'll help you, Santa!\nSanta: [gets into his sleigh and looks over at the boys] Oh, and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree. [the boys are surprised, then happy. Stan leads them to the presents. Santa takes the sleigh off the ground and away] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [the boys reach their presents and check them over. For a moment they look like the Iraqi kids. Their looks change back to normal as they rip off the wrapping. They all get the same gift]\nStan: Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls! [Cartman's joy vanishes]\nCartman: Oh, God-damnit!\nKyle: Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll!\nCartman: Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again! [kicks the toy away. The camera zooms out enough for a fourth person to walk into the shot]\nStan: Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty special Christmas. [Kenny walks into the frame.]\nKenny: (Hey guys. What's goin' on?)\nStan: Oh, hey Kenny.\nKyle: Dude, where have you been?\nKenny: (Oh, I've just been hanging out.)\nKyle: Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure glad it's over with. [walks away with his Haibo doll. Stan follows with his Haibo doll, and Cartman follows with an angry look]\nStan: Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal.\nKenny: (Yeah.)"}
{"text": "Scene Description: At the bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny wait. Ike hops into view\nThe boys: School days, school days, teacher's golden rule day...\nKyle: Ah, damn it!\nCartman: What?\nKyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!\nIke: Suck my balls.\nKyle: No, Ike! You can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles]\nCartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!\nKyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!\nCartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead! [the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike and swings him towards Cartman. Ike smacks Cartman in the face and Cartman falls on his back] Ow!\nStan: Dude, sweet! [Ike stands up]\nKyle: Yeah. Check it out. [sets up Ike and prepares for a kick] Ready Ike? Kick the baby!\nIke: Don't kick the goddamn baby!\nKyle: Kick the baby!\nIke: Waaaah- [flies across the street and lands in some snow on the other side] Ow.\nCartman: [gets up and yawns] Uuugh.\nKyle: Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.\nCartman: That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.\nKyle: Really? What about?\nCartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... [the dream sequence begins] in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room [his window flies open and a bright beam blinds him as he rises to see what it is]. Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open [a glow appears around the door as an alien peeks inside] and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. [This hallway has specimens on either side of it. \"Weeaak!\"] Then these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [four aliens hover over him and lower his pajama pants as a robot arm nearby gets to work on his ass] And they had big heads and big black eyes...\nStan: Dude! Visitors!\nKyle: Totally!\nCartman: What?\nStan: That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!\nCartman: No, it was just a dream, [crosses his arms] my mom said so.\nStan: Visitors are real. They... [lowers his left eyebrow and thinks, looking down] Wait a minute. This has all happened before.\nKyle: Yeah. This does seem really familiar.\nCartman: What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' about?\nKyle: Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream?\nCartman: Eh... shut up you guys, you're just tryin' to scare me.\nStan: No, dude, this happened before! Aliens put some device in you and then we tied you up to a tree and you went up on their ship! You don't remember that?\nCartman: No I don't remember that!\nKyle: You don't?\nCartman: No, because the aliens erased my memory!\nStan: I remember this whole thing. [to Kyle] Ike tried to follow you to school. You kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream.\nKyle: Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car. [the sound of wheels approaching]\nChef: [pulling up in his station wagon, steps out] Hello there, children! [silence]\nKyle: [to Stan] And then you said\nStan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?\nChef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles\nAll: and a choice of green bean salad or vegetable medley.\nKyle: Weird\nChef: Say, did any of you children\nAll: see the alien space ship last night?\nChef: What the?\nStan: Chef, we're in a repeat.\nChef: A repeat??\nKyle: Cartman was visited by aliens again last night. And now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day.\nCartman: Aw dude, I hate repeats!\nChef: [walks around and stands behind the boys] I've been feelin' Déjà vu all mornin', children. I knew somethin' strange was goin' on!\nStan: It all started when Cartman got an anal probe.\nChef: We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away.\nScene Description: South Park Medical Clinic. Inside, Chef and the boys wait on chairs as Cartman lies face down on a proctologist's table.\nKyle: What is a proc-tologist, Chef?\nChef: He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.\nStan: You mean, at some point in this doctor's life he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes.\nChef: That's right.\nKyle: What a dick!\nProctologist: [entering] Hello everyone! [walks towards Cartman]\nChef: Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric on such short notice.\nProctologist: What seems to be the problem?\nChef: We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal.\nKyle: Other than his monstrous size.\nCartman: [whips an angry look at him] SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED MOUTH! [pulls his head back and rests it on his left hand]\nProctologist: All right, let's see here. [raises the blanket and looks down] Oh my God!!\nCartman: What?\nProctologist: Why, there's a huge crack goin' right down the middle! [beat. The doctor begins to laugh]\nCartman: [displeased] Haha, very funny.\nStan: Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a zillion times.\nProctologist: [chuckles] All right, let's take a look. [snaps on a yellow latex glove and plunges a finger into the butthole]\nCartman: Heey, just what the hell do you think you're doing?\nChef: Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum.\nKyle: And afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it.\nCartman: Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh. Oohh. Oww.\nProctologist: Well the prostate seems to be normal. No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...\nCartman: Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa.\nProctologist: Wait, what's this? [the anal probe appears once again and the doctor jumps out of the way. The probe stretches out and clears away part of the clinic on its way to full height. A large hole is left on the building as the satellite dish juts out from it.]\nKyle: Are you okay?\nCartman: [with a dreamy, relieved look] Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huuuge dump? Awesome! [smiles]\nChef: Well, doctor?\nProctologist: [slowly] I've never quite seen this before, uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream.\nCartman: [the probe collapses and sinks back into his ass] Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh!\nStan: You all right?\nCartman: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I\"M NOT ALL RIGHT!!\nProctologist: I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way.\nChef: That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an alien hoobajoob! Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help!\nStan: Where to now, Chef?\nChef: That thing inside Eric's asshole looked like some kinda alien satellite dish. We need to see my friend down at the Space Center now! [as they leave the clinic they pass the receptionist's window. A receptionist with a weird white face and yellow hair looks on as they leave. She then removes her wig and shows that she's a Visitor.]\nScene Description: The space center. Lots of satellite dishes dot the premises. Inside Chef leads the children to a scientist.\nChef: And you're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff.\nJeff: How do we uh, make it come out?\nChef: Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did.\nCartman: [crosses his arms] Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again! Unless it's Kyle. [grins]\nKyle: What? No way! [looks to his left and points] You do it, Kenny!\nCartman: Nope! It has to be Kyle!\nStan: Go on.\nKyle: I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!\nChef: Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake.\nCartman: [lowers his pants and moons Kyle] Come, Kyle. Do hurry. [Kyle moves tentatively toward Cartman and bares his left arm] Go ahead, it won't bite. [Kyle raises his arm and move in. Cartman farts and Kyle angrily lowers his arm. Cartman and Kenny laugh]\nKyle: God-damnit Cartman!\nCartman: [laughing] I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.]\nKyle: Stop it Cartman!\nCartman: [laughing] Okay. Okay okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.]\nKenny: [laughing] (Gaaahaha, he got you again!)\nKyle: God Dammit!\nCartman: [laughing] Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm, looking at the other guys.] Gahaaa! Derrr!\nKenny: [laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Derrr!)\nCartman: Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Oh yes it is! [swats the odor towards Kyle.]\nKenny: [laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Yes it is!)\nChef: Eric, that's enough!\nCartman: Okay, okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohh, double psych!\nKyle: That's it! [walks off] I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it!\nStan: Oh, nice going, Cartman!\nCartman: All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Kyle.\nKyle: No!\nCartman: No, go ahead. I'm dry.\nKyle: You're lying!\nChef: It stopped being funny forty seconds ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!\nCartman: But it was one of the best times I've ever had.\nJeff: Can I see this thing, please?\nCartman: Okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohhh! God-dammit! [Cartman, Kenny, and Chef laugh]\nChef: Okay. Now it's funny again.\nCartman: This is so awesome. I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office, guys. I think I died and went to heaven.\nKyle: That does it! CHARGE! [drives his finger into Cartman's butthole. Cartman farts and screams as the anal probe shoot out of his ass. The probe opens up into the satellite dish and the dish sends a beam into outer space. Part of the space center is destroyed in the process]\nChef: What's it doing?\nJeff: It, it's sending a transmission of some kind. [sits at a console and types away] Got it! [on several screen above the keyboard, images from around the planet pop up and change every second or so.]\nKyle: It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.\nChef: Where is the signal being sent to? [the signal cuts off and the anal probe shrinks back into Cartman's ass. Cartman screams as it does so.]\nCartman: Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you guys.\nKyle: We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth?\nStan: We wanted to see an alien planet or something.\nJeff: Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars.\nKyle: Candy bars?\nJeff: You-you know. Candy bars. They usually come in a wrapper. Just like you... wrap a Christmas present. Christmas happens when it's cold. Cold, as in Alaska - that's... with polar bears. Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to! [turns around and types away on the console. The power cuts out and the center goes dark.] What the heck? [the sound of heavy ships is heard, and two bright beams light up the room. Everyone looks towards a window. Outside, a visitor walks up and looks in through one end window. A second one looks through the other end window. The windows shatter] They're coming in! [a glow appears outside a door and permeates it. The door shuts and two visitors enter. The other two come in through the window and the four of them converge on the boys, Chef, and Jeff.]\nStan: What do we do???\nCartman: [steps forward and points to Jeff] It's that guy you want! He's trying to reverse your polarities!\nJeff: What?? [the visitors go after Jeff, and the others make their escape]\nChef: Help!\nKyle: Aaaah! Runrunruuun! [the group makes it outside]\nStan: Let's go!\nChef: Get in the car, children! Get in the car! [they all scramble in and Chef peels away from the center. He drives down the road towards South Park. Another car appears behind then and throws up its headlights. Its horn honks a few times]\nStan: [startled] What is that?\nChef: Can you see anything, children? [Kyle looks back]\nKyle: [turns back] The aliens are chasing us! [a close-up of the four aliens in the car behind Chef. A passenger-side visitor leans out and draws a revolver, shooting at Chef. A bullet strikes the rear window and the boys jump]\nChef: God damned aliens! [the two cars move down the road with the visitors still shooting]\nStan: Chef! End of the road! [several barricades are up, with STOP signs hanging on the, and one sign saying \"ROAD CLOSED\"]\nChef: Hold on, children! [Cartman looks at the visitors] We have to ditch them! [steps on the gas pedal]\nCartman: What are you doing, man?! [Chef drives towards the barricade and goes up a wooden ramp, into the air.]\nNarrator: [some backwoods music plays in the background in freeze-frame] Looks like them boys are gettin' a little fresh air. [the wagon lands on the other side of a pothole and continues. The visitors try the same jump, but they launch into the air and off the road, towards a chicken coop. They crash through the roof and land right in the middle of the coop. Chickens ]\nKyle: [looks out and back] I think we ditched them.\nChef: I don't think we're outta the woods yet. [they pass a sign saying \"eat BIG PIG'S BBQ\" with a pig in a white Southern suit. Behind the billboard, a police car pulls out and pursues Chef. There are two visitors in the car]\nVisitor Driver: Coop coop.\nStan: It's the police!\nChef: That ain't no police! [for some reason, two workers are moving a large glass pane across the road. Chef heads on down and crashes through it. The police cruiser follows]\nCartman: When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.\nStan: Chef!! [Chef sees yet another barricade and goes towards it, forcing the worker guarding it to jump out of the way/ Chef launches into the air once again. \"Dixie\" is heard from the car's horn. The aliens catch up to Chef and the boys and try the same jump. They end up upside down and unable to move. Chef spins the car a bit and looks back at the police cruiser]\nChef: [jumps out and approaches the police car] HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you! [a beam lights up the car] Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! Chinese auto school?! [the car begins to rise slowly]\nThe boys: Chef! Chef! They've got us!\nChef: You're lucky I didn't just turn around and beat your white skinny alien asses anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember to... [notices the weird sounds behind him and turns] Huh? [looks up to see the station wagon hovering near the entrance to the ship] Aw crap! Children!\nThe boys: Cheeeeeeef!\nNarrator: [the picture freezes] Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses. And it's pretty thick molasses, too.\nScene Description: A chamber. Stan is tied up in some green alien pod, asleep.\nStan: Uh. [stirs and opens his eyes] Wugh. You guys. Wake up! [the other boys are in pods of their own]\nKyle: [stirs in his own pod] What the? Where are, where are we?\nStan: We're in the alien ship.\nCartman: Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass! [panics] Oh God, help me you guys!\nKyle: It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien space ship.\nCartman: [looks down] ...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank you Lord.\nStan: [out of his pod] Guys. Look. [the others get out of theirs and walk towards Stan]\nKyle, Cartman: Wow. [they face a massive window, through which they get a good view of Earth getting farther and farther away]\nStan: My God, do you guys realize? This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space.\nKyle: Yeah.\nKenny: (Awesome)\nCartman: This is like my fifth time. [the room brightens and two doors open at the other end of the room. The boys turn and face it]\nStan: Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.\nKenny: (Oh no!) [tightens the hood on his face. The man enters... it appears to be Stan's father.]\nAlien: Hello boys.\nStan: Dad?\nAlien: No, not really. I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you.\nKyle: Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay.\nStan: Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, Contact.\nCartman: Aw God, that movie pissed me off.\nAlien: Very well, I shall show my true form. [a quick transformation into a hideous monster] Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah.\nThe boys: [shielding their eyes] AAAAH!\nStan: Okay okay, take the form of something else!\nAlien: [transforms again] How's this? [the boys move their arms off their eyes to behold Santa]\nCartman: Santa!\nStan: Nno, that's stupid too. [Cartman looks at Stan, deflated]\nAlien: How about this? [transforms into Michael Jordan, Bulls form]\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: No. [the alien turns into Don King] No! [then into Mr. Roarke and Tattoo]\nCartman: [impressed] Oooo, very nice.\nStan: No! [the alien turns into George Burns]\nKyle: No! [the alien turns into J.J. Walker]\nAlien: Dy-no-mite!\nThe boys: No!\nScene Description: Back at the space center, day. Jeff is cleaning up after the destruction left behind by the visitors\nChef: [with flashlight] Jeff!! The aliens took the children up on their ship.\nJeff: Oh no!\nChef: Did you find out what the aliens were up to?\nJeff: When I reversed the polarities, I found this: [sits at the console and starts pressing keys. 1s and 0s flash across a screen] It's a message that the aliens are broadcasting throughout the entire universe. But I have no idea what it says.\nChef: They took the children, Jeff! I have to know what those aliens are up to!\nJeff: [spins around] Wait a minute! Butt sex!\nChef: Butt sex?\nJeff: Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... Chupacabra's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized. Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama students! Students at colleges usually have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's binary code! [spins back and works on decoding it]\nChef: Who's havin' butt sex?\nScene Description: Back on the alien ship\nAlien: [prances as Saddam] Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal! [ends on his knees, arms wide open]\nThe boys: [getting bored] No!\nAlien: [transforms into Missy Elliot] Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh huh.\nThe boys: No! [Stan is irritated]\nAlien: [transforms into Frank Sinatra] Don't piss on the moon, babe.\nThe boys: NO!\nAlien: All right, earthlings, what form do you want me to take? [the boys fall silent]\nCartman: How about a taco, that craps ice cream? [the alien transforms into the taco. A wad of ice cream falls out of him] Guys?\nStan: I like it.\nKenny: (Me too.) [the boys clap]\nAlien: All right, then we can get back to business. Follow me this way, earthlings. [leads the boys into another room, leaving scoops of ice cream behind, in various flavors] I want to apologize to you boys for all the spooky, scary stuff. We just needed to get to the malfunctioning uplink relay.\nStan: You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?\nAlien: That's right. See, there are dishes in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums. Your friend's has been malfunctioning.\nKyle: Why do you put them into people's asses? Are you planning some kind of alien takeover?\nAlien: Oh, heavens no! We're a production company. We make intergalactic television programs that the whole universe watches. [enters the next room]\nStan: [looks back at his friends] Television? [the boys enter the next room. In that room visitors are all over the place manning the various aspects of a production company]\nAlien: We at Nerzod Productions started twenty billion years ago with one philosophy: the best universal television isn't scripted, it's real. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] We started with great shows like, \"Who Wants To Marry A Gelgamek?\" and \"Antares 6 Millionaire\". And then we had a big hit with \"Get Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian\". But then of course, there's our signature show. The greatest universal reality show of all time. [he looks at a giant screen on which Earth is shown]\nKyle: Earth?\nAlien: A few billion years ago we realized, \"what if we took species from all different planets in the universe, and put them together, on the same planet?\" Great TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, deer and Hispanics, all trying to live side by side on one planet! It's great! [the boys are stunned at what they're hearing]\nStan: Our planet is just a reality-TV show?\nAlien: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!\nKyle: You mean that you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and kill each other? Dude, that's messed up.\nAlien: Why?\nStan: Why?? Because you're playing with people's lives! You're turning people's problems into entertainment!\nCartman: Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth! [the boys just look at each other]\nScene Description: The Convention Center, day.\nJeff: Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently come across an alien transmission that is being beamed throughout the entire universe. [murmurs rise up in the audience] When decoded, it looks like this. [he begins the transmission and graphics sweep by. First, the binary code appears, then a dazzling sun behind the Earth, then a tracking shot leading to Earth, then an undernourished boy, then a caravan walking across a desert, people putting on protective glasses, an atomic blast, deer running, a couple, a time-lapse night scene, the Eiffel Tower, two men hammering at something, an ethnic festival. The sound is garbled]\nMan: [rising] What does it mean?\nJeff: It's simple mathematical language that can be understood throughout the solar system. Translated into our language, it looks like this. [replays the transmission, this time in English]\nAnnouncer: This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's been one hundred Gelganighs since we first took species from seventeen different planets and put them all together, on the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought and fallen in love! What will happen this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl!\nJeff: I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show.\nMan 2: My God. We're famous! [everyone stands and whoops it up]\nJeff: Waaaait, you don't understand!\nMan 3: [giddy blond] I'm on TV! I'm on TV!\nMan 4: This is so awesome! [everyone clear out, cheering]\nOthers: Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!! [Jeff is left all alone]\nScene Description: Back at Nerzod Productions. Cartman is bent over once more, with his pants down. The visitors have finished working on him\nAlien: That should get the relay working again. [begins to walk off. The boys follow] All right, Earthlings, if you'll step over this way we'll erase your memories and get you back to Earth. [a visitor brings him a ringing phone] Oh, excuse me. [picks up the receiver] This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh no, really? And it's, it's for sure? All right, I'll break the news to everyone. No, no I, I understand. Thanks. [hangs up the phone and walks back to the boys] Well, you kids can go back to Earth if you want, but I'm afraid it won't be there for long. The show's been cancelled.\nKyle: What?? Who cancelled us?\nNajix: The universal network heads. They say the Earthlings have become aware of the show, so it won't be funny anymore. [walks off to address the rest of the staff]\nStan: Oh shit, did we do that?\nNajix: Everyone, can I have your attention real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a call from the network and I'm afraid Earth has been cancelled\nStaff: Awww.\nNajix: Now, now, it was a great run and I think we should all be really proud. [a smattering of applause] Let's call in a demolition crew to strike the Earth for resources.\nStan: Wait! Wait, they they can't do this! Uh, let us talk to the network heads!\nNajix: Wouldn't do any good.\nKyle: Dude, we have to try!\nStan: Please, take us to them! Please!\nNajix: All right, kids, we'll take you to the network heads. But I warn you: nobody has ever gotten the executives to uncancel a show once the call has been made. Nobody. [the boys look at each other, and several more scoops of ice cream falls out of the alien's taco ass]\nScene Description: Earth. A view of it from outer space. A few seconds later, an immense crane floats towards Earth with wrecking ball ready and beeper going. It stops. Two alien laborers sit inside and the driver activates the crane arm. The wrecking ball moves and strikes western Africa. A shot of people running across a bridge. The whole planet moves as if by an earthquake. Chef almost loses his balance at the space center as the ground undulates.\nChef: What the hell is that?!\nJeff: There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit! [schematics of the ship and of Earth appear on screen, and the impact point is shown as well] But why? Wait a minute! Chaos theory!\nChef: Chaos theory??\nJeff: Chaos theory, it was, it was first thought of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the number of episodes they made of Punky Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled...\nChef: Huh?\nJeff: Don't you see? The show is over! The aliens are canceling Earth!\nChef: Oh my God! We have to stop them!\nScene Description: The boys walk down a futuristic sidewalk on a strange planet.\nVoice: Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the Joozians, who control all media in the universe. [the boys enter the universal network headquarters]\nReceptionist: Can I help you?\nStan: Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting with the network heads?\nReceptionist: Where are you visiting from?\nStan: Uh, Earth?\nReceptionist: Oooo, I watch that show all the time. [opens another set of doors and shows the boys in]\nJoozian 1: Gaaahahaha. [notices the boys come in] Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings. We're just checking out our new show.\nJoozian 2: We took a hundred beings from the planet Marklar and put them on an asteroid with sentient beings from the Horsehead Nebula. It-it's a riot!\nJoozian 1: They hate each other!\nJoozian 2: Gah, why? [Stan nudges Kyle, who pulls a letter out from his pocket and reads]\nKyle: Mighty powerful network executives\nJoozian 1: Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have haglar yet?\nJoozian 2: Oh yeah, let's do haglar.\nJoozian 1: Where do you wanna go? Meroni's?\nJoozian 2: Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh, Blackafelch!\nJoozian 1: Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect.\nScene Description: Blackafelch Restaurant, later. Aliens of all kinds sit and enjoy their meals.\nJoozian 2: This place is fantastic!\nStan: Look, we just want to talk to you about the show.\nKyle: Please don't cancel us. Please.\nJoozian 1: Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have to realize the universe is a business.\nJoozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!\nJoozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.\nWaitress: [another Joozian] Here's your order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah. [sets a large platter before the executives and lifts the cover. The executives dig in]\nStan: But sirs, we think our show is just getting good. [Kyle thinks about the food, then decides to taste it] I mean, we're just now starting to see people get really pissed off at each other.\nKyle: Oh my God, this is great!\nJoozian 1: You must have some Joozian ancestry.\nCartman: [miffed at the link, rests his head on his left hand] Tell us about it!\nStan: Look, there's five billion people on our show. You just can't up and cancel on us.\nJoozian 1: Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars on that joozinek?\nStan: Dude, we're trying to save our planet here?!\nJoozian 1: Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah!\nJoozian 2: Oh, yeah!\nScene Description: A hekmabah, a Joozian strip club. A Joozinek slithers around a dance pole\nJoozian 1: Oh yeah, let's see those heglars!\nStan: Sirs, uh, if you'll just let-\nJoozian 1: Oh, man, I am so wasted! [holds up a little box] Hey, do you Earthlings wanna try a little glach? [takes the box and pours out a line of purple powder. The other Joozian snorts it right up. The boys look on, saying nothing. Another line of purple powder and the first Joozian snorts up, then suddenly turns around] Agh-oh yeah!! [turns back] Oh, gluck yeah!! [Kenny begins snorting up at the other end of the line]\nKyle: Kenny! [Kenny stops]\nJoozian 1: Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get a hotel room and a hooker!\nJoozian 2: Oh yeah!\nJoozian 1: Yeah! [they leave their chairs]\nScene Description: Back on earth, the massive cranes swings at Earth again. More quakes follow and the space center is damaged some more\nChef: We have to find a way to stop those aliens!\nJeff: [begins pacing] Oh, their ship is massive! There's no way to stop it! [stops] Wait a minute, jackets!\nChef: [smacks his hand onto his head] Oh no.\nJeff: If people don't wear jackets they could get cold. A cold is caused by a virus. A viru- a computer virus! We could make a computer virus and send it to their ships to disable their computers!\nChef: [thinks, then angrily] That doesn't make any God-damned sense!\nScene Description: An adult hotel. The Joozians are in bed with a hooker and they begin to disrobe.\nJoozian 2: Ogh.\nJoozian 1: Oh yeah!\nJoozian 2: Good.\nJoozian 1: Oh yeah! Yeah!! [goes to take another snort of purple powder. With his shirt off, one can see two small appendages, one on each shoulder]\nJoozian 2: Woohoohoo! Yeah!\nJoozian 1: Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a party or what?? [the boys sit on a couch looking on, bored.]\nJoozian 2: Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting my jagon hard! [the appendage on his right shoulder stiffens and lengthens]\nJoozian 1: [returns to the side of the bed, by the second Joozian] Wohh. Yeah, let's party! [begins to suck on the Joozian's jagon]\nJoozian 2: Yeah, suck my jagon!\nJoozian 1: [stops and releases] Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon! [the second Joozian begins to suck on his jagon] Oh yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher! [the second Joozian begins putting his finger into some openings above the first Joozian's waist] Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon! [the boys show more interest and some astonishment]\nStan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong. [Kenny whips out a camera and takes a picture]\nJoozian 1: [the other Joozian continues sucking on his jagon] Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah!\nScene Description: Back at universal network headquarters. The Joozians have ice packs on their heads, recovering from the raunch they experienced the night before\nJoozian 2: Oh, God. Eh eh, my head. [the four boys look on] What did we do?\nJoozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.\nJoozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons! You kids won't tell anybody about this, right??\nCartman: No.\nStan: [glances at Cartman and quickly thinks] No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if you don't cancel our show!\nJoozian 1: Oooo, I knew that was coming.\nJoozian 2: They really got us by the nezmins.\nKyle: The Earth show can still be good. Just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show.\nStan: I'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent.\nCartman: There's even World War Three to look forward to.\nKyle: And then we won't have to show anybody the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jagons.\nJoozian 1: He-all right, all right Earthlings! Ya, you win! The show can stay on.\nThe boys: All right!\nJoozian 1: Just be sure to keep up the wars and violence.\nJoozian 2: Well, we've got a five o'clock with the Yurka producers. [still disheveled, he hops off his chair and goes to a lever] Nice meeting you Earthlings. Bye! [pulls the lever down and in an instant the boys are back at the bus stop]\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny is missing.\nCartman: [yawns] Uuugh.\nKyle: Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.\nCartman: That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.\nKenny: [walks up with something in his hand] (Hey you guys, look.) [the other boys look]\nKyle: What the hell is that?\nKenny: (I don't know.)\nChef: [drives up in his station wagon and steps out] Hello there, children!\nThe boys: Hey Chef. [Chef steps behind the boys]\nStan: Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders. [Chef takes a look at the picture of the two Joozians sucking each other's jagons]\nCartman: What is it, Chef?\nChef: I don't know. But something tells me this picture might be very important, children. [hands the picture back to Kenny] You should hang on to it.\nScene Description: TV spot\nAnnouncer: Attention universe! Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of... Earth! The Asians [crowd scene] are reeeally steamed at the Russians [crossing a bridge]. The zebras try to get along with the buffalo. [composite shot] And Americans [walking the dog] and Iraqis [dancing] have an all-out brawl. [Saddam is shown] It's outrageous fun and it's all new! Earth! On Fognl."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre. Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on stage and an announcer speaks\nAnnouncer: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for JIMMY! [the curtains part and Jimmy walks forward wearing a tuxedo] Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience. [the curtains close behind him] I know what most of you are thinking. \"Hey, uh-that guy stole my show...\" [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh? I mean, come on... [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. [the soft sound of one person clapping is heard] Uh... l... lights, please? [the house lights click on and only one person is seen in the seats: Butters]\nButters: Hey Jimmy.\nJimmy: Butters, w-where is everybody?\nButters: Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him.\nJimmy: Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!\nButters: You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman.\nJimmy: I know who he is! But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?!\nButters: Ww-well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. He is an inspiration to us all. That's why everyone ditched on your show.\nJimmy: So then, how come you came?\nButters: Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm a dork, huh? [Jimmy stews on stage]\nScene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square. Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner reads \"STEM CELL RESEARCH.\" A crowd of people has formed in front of the stage\nMayor McDaniels: And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve. [everyone claps and the curtains open. The mayor and her aides step aside. Christopher Reeve rolls out towards the mic. Jimmy shows up to watch.]\nReeve: Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience. [stops to catch his breath with a fixed smile in place] I just flew into South Park. [catches his breath] Used to be I didn't need an airplane.\nTownspeople: Awwwww. [a smattering of applause]\nReeve: As most of you know, [catches his breath] I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research.\nJimmy: Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' to my ...c-comedy show! [\"It is a proven fact that stem-cell research\"]\nCartman: We didn't go to your comedy show.\nJimmy: I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious! [\"can add many years to the lives of people who have been disabled by accidents\"]\nStan: Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude. [\"or other ways.\"]\nJimmy: Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!\nKyle: Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve.\nStan: Yeah dude, not cool.\nReeve: Though it is controversial, [catches his breath] stem cell research is critical [catches his breath] in the quest for helping [catches his breath] the disabled.\nJimmy: I put together a comedy show and I was crippled from BIRTH! [waddles off in a huff]\nStan: Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one.\nKyle: Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something. [they turn right and trot off]\nTimmy: Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a.\nJimmy: [approaching] Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?\nTimmy: Timmeh!!\nJimmy: Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much.\nTimmy: Rrruh Timmeh!\nReeve: In the coming days [catches his breath] I will prove to the world [catches his breath] that stem-cell research is a miracle.\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their trucks.]\nCartman: Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.\nJimmy: Hey there fellas.\nStan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmih!!\nJimmy: Say, would you guys like to join our club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You aren't crippled. [start laughing. The boys go back to playing with their trucks.]\nKyle: What?\nJimmy: To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way. Do you know what that means? No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve!\nStan: That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one. [Jimmy and Timmy turn and walk away]\nCartman: [jumps up and catches up to them] Hey, wait a minute! [Timmy and Jimmy stop] You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it!\nJimmy: Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join.\nCartman: Can too!\nJimmy: [turns to Timmy] Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. [begins to laugh. Timmy begins to laugh as well] You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name is. [Jimmy and Timmy laugh, and walk away laughing]\nCartman: Oh God-damnit!!\nKyle: Cartman, just stay out of it.\nCartman: But they say I can't be in their club!!\nStan: Cartman, trust me. [Kenny pushes his own truck away] We don't want any part in this one.\nScene Description: \"The T-shirt Factory\", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it and enter\nJimmy: Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy. [Timmy has a box on his lap]\nMcGillicuddy: Hello, boys. What can I do for you?\nJimmy: [takes the box from Timmy] Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design for our new club. [Timmy beams with delight] We just came up with a name this morning. [McGillicuddy opens the box, pulls out the shirt, and his jaw drops. The shirt reads, \"THE CRIPS\"]\nMcGillicuddy: Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna wear these shirts\nJimmy: Why not?\nMcGillicuddy: Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much.\nJimmy: [stunned] ...There's already a Crips?!\nMcGillicuddy: Well, sure, they're all over at Five Points area in Denver. You've never heard of them?\nJimmy: No, we never have. Are they crippled from birth or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve?\nMcGillicuddy: ...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one. [leaves the counter]\nScene Description: \"The T-shirt Factory\", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and Timmy exit\nJimmy: Can you believe it, Timmy? All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it.\nTimmy: [excited] Timmmeh!\nJimmy: Come on. We have to take the bus to Five Points in Denver.\nScene Description: The Larry King Show on HNN, on air.\nKing: My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who, with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms.\nReeve: Thanks for having me on again, Larry.\nKing: All right. Chris, the whole world is waiting. Why don't you show us what stem-cell research has done for you. [with that fixed grin, Reeve strains to lift his right arm a few inches, then sets it down again.] Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? Now, Chris, there're some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that taking cells from a fetus is... unethical.\nReeve: Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated [catches his breath] about stem-cell research. See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one [pulls a dead fetus up from an unseen container] can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged. They are the most powerful thing on the planet.\nKing: And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris?\nReeve: Well, it's very simple. [takes the fetus and cracks it open like a coconut, then sucks out its contents and tosses it aside] And now you can see, my arms have better movement.\nKing: Wow. [begins clapping] Wow.\nScene Description: Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots, and a woman's screams are heard.\nJimmy: Excuse me, sir. [the bum stops, startled] we're looking for a group of people called the Crips.\nBum: You are?\nJimmy: Do you know where they meet? We've already tried the rec center and the library.\nBum: The Crips hang out at that old warehouse down there, [points to the building he just passed] but ...nobody goes in there.\nJimmy: [moves forward] Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim.\nTimmy: Timmmih! [follows]\nScene Description: Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks in.\nJimmy: Well hello everyone. [music abruptly stops] I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmmih! [awkward silence, then softly] Tih... ti-timmih.\nJimmy: [to a friend at left, as he points to the duo] Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised. We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc Denver chapter.\nLarge Crip: Is they for real, manh?\nJimmy: We just have one question before we join your c-club. Do you think it's better to be born a Crip, or to become a Crip later by accident?\nBraided Crip: The only Crips is born Crips, dawg.\nTall Crip: Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool!\nJimmy: I agree. I mean, it's like [enunciates] \"come on\"! Why do these people who become crippled later in life think they're such great pot-potatuhs?\nTimmy: Timmih! [silence]\nJimmy: Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas. So can we join your g... group?\nBuff Crip: All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.\nJimmy: Well, sure. Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific at it.\nTimmy: Timmih?\nJimmy: [turns and answers softly] I don't know, Timmy, just play along.\nTimmy: Uh-tu-Timmih!\nBuff Crip: So you sayin' yuh down?\nJimmy: Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie Br-Brown. [music starts up again, and Timmy and Jimmy leave. As they walk down the street a rap song plays]\nJimmy: Say Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negros?\nTimmy: Timmih!\nJimmy: That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South Park. [as they walk, a police car rolls up and the passenger-side officer calls out]\nOfficer: Hey you kids.\nJimmy: [stops and looks] Well hello, officers.\nOfficer: What the hell do you think you're doin'?\nJimmy: We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.\nTimmy: Timmih! [the officers simply look at each other and drive off.]\nJimmy: [sees something] Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store. [\"Ribs N Gass.\" A lot of gang members are milling around in front of the store] That must be what the fellas meant by \"pop some punk-ass Bloods.\" They want us to get them some soda pop and treats. [the gang members notice them coming and stop to look. They cross the street] Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows. Then they'll let us in the club for sure.\nTimmy: Oh, Timmih. [a truck appears in the distance and comes up fast.]\nDriver: [noticing almost too late] Oh shit! [swerves to avoid the duo and slams into the convenience store they were trying to reach. The store and truck go up in a ball of flames while Jimmy and Timmy stop in their tracks]\nJimmy: Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!\nScene Description: Back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back at the warehouse.\nBuff Crip: Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 Legs here. They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night!\nCrip 1: One night?\nCrip 2: You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One night?\nBuff Crip: That ain't never been done before!\n58 Crip: And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale.\nCrips: [chattering] Uh huh. Cool. He's right.\nJimmy: So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?\nBuff Crip: You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town! Cipac! [a Crip steps forward] Turn up the beat so we can celebrate our new Gs Five-Points style!\nCipac: All right. [hobbles off]\nJimmy: Wow, these guys really are crippled. [the music starts up and the Crips start dancing] Timmy, I have a feeling that this is the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant.\nTimmy: Timmih!\nScene Description: Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy. The occupants are Crips.\nJimmy: Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We sure had a ...terrific time.\nCipac: Alrighty. Keep it real, dawg.\nJimmy: You dawgs keep it real, too. [Cipac flashes the Crips signs for \"West Coast Crips\" and the boys return the gesture]\nTimmy: Timmih! [the Crips drive off]\nJimmy: Well, that sure was a terrific time. Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmih! [Jimmy goes on home as Timmy rolls off]\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom worried.\nMom: [jumps up] There you are, Jimmy!\nJimmy: Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?\nPops: Jimmy, your mother was gettin' worried about you.\nJimmy: No need to worry about me. I'm cool like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool. [turns and hobbles off]\nScene Description: Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begins speaking to the camera.\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem Cell Research Facility with terrific news. Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.\nReeve: [flanked by two doctors, one of them carrying a medical organ cooler] Thank you everyone. [pulls out a fetus from the cooler and holds it in his left hand] To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus. But to people like me, [lifts it into the air] it's hope. [snaps it open as before and sucks out its juices.]\nCrowd: Uugh.\nScene Description: Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs.\nMr. Garrison: [arm around Mr. Slave] What an inspiration.\nReporter: Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but, after seeing this, how can they protest now? [Reeve takes out another fetus and sucks it dry. Stan and the boys walk by]\nStan: [admonishing] Stay clear, guys, stay clear.\nKyle: Yup. I'm not seeing anything.\nScene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits.\nMr. Kim: Hey [studies the boys before him, then holds up his arms] Hey, I don't want no trouble!\nJimmy: Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung... Pao Chicken, please.\nMr. Kim: I don't want no trouble! You just... take what you want and leave!\nTimmy: Timmih!\nMr. Kim: [as if Timmy had barked an order] OH! Okay, okay! [steps to the cash register and opens it] I open register\nTimmy: Timmih!\nJimmy: What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please.\nTimmy: Timmih.\nMr. Kim: [pulls out a stack of bills and sets them on the counter, then holds his arms up again] Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! It's all I have. Yeh take!\nJimmy: [confused] Huh?\nMr. Kim: You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!\nJimmy: Ah- are you sure?\nMr. Kim: I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave!\nJimmy: [approaches the counter. Mr. Kim goes about preparing the food order] Well gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. ...Chinese person. [gets the money and shows it to Timmy] Look Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize. We must be the ...one hundredth customer or something.\nMr. Kim: Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, and small ice tea!\nJimmy: Actually, it was a regular lemonade.\nMr. Kim: [mortified at his error] AAAAAGH-agh!! [bows] I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble. [reaches for a cup and prepares a regular lemonade] Here. Remonade. [sets it on the counter. Jimmy reaches for it] Now go, just go!\nJimmy: Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.\nTimmy: [smiles] Timmih!\nMr. Kim: [soon lowers his arms and places a call] Hello! Police? I've just been robbed by two gang members!\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room, then closes.\nPops: Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen please?\nJimmy: [enters] Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?\nPops: Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you. [Jimmy approaches a chair and struggles to climb up on it. He gets no help from his parents. He succeeds in climbing the chair, then in sitting upright. He settles down.] Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior. And... we're worried that you might be involved in a gang.\nJimmy: A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well sure. But I can't talk about the club on account of its sssuper secret, dawg.\nMamsie: Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true! [buries her face in Ryan's chest and sobs uncontrollably]\nJimmy: Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean [enunciates the nest two words] come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much.\nRyan: Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good.\nJimmy: Yo, don't be dissing my n***as, dawg. They're my f-friends.\nMamsie: And what about your standup comedy, Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on that, too?\nJimmy: [now naturally] Nobody cared about my standup comedy! All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!\nRyan: Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason!\nJimmy: Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school.\nRyan: That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son.\nJimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the n***a on your left. [hops off the chair and ambles off. His mom sobs again. Ryan holds her]\nScene Description: A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth, having a headache.\nReeve: Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! Feeling weak again.\nAide: [rushes in with a fresh delivery] Here's the new shipment, sir. [Reeve lunges for the box and rips it out of the aide's hands, pushing the aide away] Hey! [Reeve tears into the box, opens the cooler, grabs a fetus, and starts sucking its juices out. A few seconds later, a door at the far wall opens]\nMan: Hello there, Christopher. [Reeve is upset that he's been disturbed, but turns around and turns pleasant]\nReeve: Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis from the movies. How are you?\nHackman: I'm good. You?\nReeve: I am better with each passing day. [turns around and pulls out another fetus] Stronger and more agile. [sucks its juices out as Hackman looks on]\nHackman: Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing?\nReeve: [with fetus still on his lips] What?\nHackman: Using stem cells is like playing God. You should leave nature alone.\nReeve: And go back to the way I was? Is that what you're saying, Hackman?\nHackman: I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher.\nReeve: [raises his arms in a fit of rage, then turns away] Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me! Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair! Always being pushed around by others! The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From now on, I am... [looks back menacingly] Chris!\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle.\nJimmy: Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on the wall. Six- [outside, a car rolls up to the house slowly. Four Bloods look at the house, all of them with masks on]\nBlood: [front passenger side] Payback time, mothafucka! [the Bloods starts spraying the house with bullets]\nJimmy: [looks around as the bullets tear up the windows] Jesus Christ! [dives to the floor and crawls to the other side of the table, then rises up.] Holy G...guacamole! [the bullets start tearing up the couch and the front door. Jimmy dives to the floor, then rises up a few seconds later.] Freakin' Frijoles! [dives to the floor again. The front door is gone and the couch's stuffing is all over the place. Its springs pop out. The right-side portrait next to the door falls. The bullets stop, and Jimmy rises once again] Leapin' L-langosta. [the left-side portrait falls]\nBlood: East Side Bloods! [the Bloods drop back into their car and peel off. Some time later, Officer Barbrady and his men show up to take reports and check out the crime scene. Timmy has returned to be with Jimmy. Two people walk up to the Swansons]\nHyde: We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson from the Special Gang unit in Denver.\nJimmy: Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, officer?\nRichardson: Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods.\nJimmy: The... B-Bloods?\nHyde: You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! The Bloods are at war with the Crips, they kill each other all the time!\nJimmy: The-they do??\nRichardson: Don't act like you don't know, you lil' punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead too.\nJimmy: But... but why do they hate each other?\nHyde: Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore!\nJimmy: Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher Reeve?\nHyde: [realizes this conversation is fruitless] Come on. The only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang is get killed. [the detectives leave. Jim's mom begins to sob and then runs into the house.]\nRyan: [follows her in] Sarah!\nJimmy: [begins to pace before Timmy] Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang for people crippled from birth. Now they're at war with the people who are crippled from an accident. Boy were we wrong.\nTimmy: [agreeing] Tim-mih.\nJimmy: Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods to s-stop fighting. I bet if we could just get them together... but how? Wu-wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center! We did it for our church once. All we do is rent out the rec center overnight. They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk.\nTimmy: Timmih!!\nJimmy: You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there.\nTimmy: Timmih!!\nJimmy: This is gonna be t-terrific!\nScene Description: South Park, next day, in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty.\nReporter: [same as before] Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed. The irony, of course, is that the man who played Superman could no longer walk. America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms. And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head. [Christopher walks over to a green truck and lifts the front end up over his head. The crowd oohs and claps for him]\nRandy: Oh, what a fighter.\nGerald: That brave, brave man.\nLiane: He's an inspiration to us all.\nReporter: Tom, the irony is even more irony-y as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength.\nHackman: [appears with a crowd of people] Chris, that's enough!\nReeve: [looks at Hackman and drops the truck] Hello, Gene! So good to see you!\nHackman: You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells.\nReeve: Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?!\nReporter: Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is.\nHackman: They're affecting your mind, Chris. If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you!\nReeve: Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! [reaches over, picks up the truck clear over his head, and throws it at Hackman. Hackman and his crowd jump clear of the truck's path, screaming. The truck lands upside down where the crown stood. Reeve then runs down the street and onto a car] You won't stop me, Hack Man! [runs off the truck and jumps away maniacally] Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha haa haa! [jumps higher and higher until he clears buildings with each jump] Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!\nReporter: Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.\nScene Description: Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disguised as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat.\nJimmy: Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises and t-treats inside. [the last of the guests enter] Great to see you all. What a terrific audience.\nJanitor: [an elderly man soon exits] Are you sure you got everything you need, young man?\nJimmy: We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by.\nMr. Appleby: Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area.\nJimmy: You bet. [he and Timmy move around him and into the center]\nMr. Appleby: I'll be back at seven to let you out. You kids have a good time.\nJimmy: Oh, we will. [Mr. Appleby closes the door and locks it.]\nScene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball hoop. The Crips stand in reply.\nBuff Crip: The Bloods!\nBlood 1: Oh shit! It's a trap!\nBlood 2: Muthafuckin Crips tryin' to smoke us all out!\nCrip: What the hell is goin' on here? [Jimmy and Timmy step into the middle ground between the two gangs]\nJimmy: It's called a lock-in at the rec center. We can use all the rec center facilities. We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just kick it in the lounge area with some games and ...p-puzzles.\nTimmy: Timmih!\nJimmy: But nobody can leave until it's seven a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along. [immediately, both sides draw weapons and aim them at each other. Once all the weapons are out...] Theeerrre's pizzaaa.\nScene Description: Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made lake.\nReporter: Tom, over five years ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own Legion of Doom! [Its headquarters now appears behind him] The once immobile Mr. Reeve's new organization will be committed to world domination and evil. What an inspirational story, Tom.\nScene Description: Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing before a group of villains, both real and imagined.\nReeve: I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery, [Osama bin Laden and Dr. Doom are shown, then Blank Manta and Saddam Hussein] Their desire for world conquest, [Cheetah, Kim Jong-il, and David Blaine are shown] and their hatred of all things good! [Professor Chaos is shown] And I've assembled this group for one purpose! To once and for all find a way to... [the picture behind him changes from a fist smashing Earth to a picture of Gene Hackman] get rid of Hack Man!! [laughs maniacally for effect, but no other villain moves]\nDr. Doom: Uhhh, how about domination of the world?\nSaddam Hussein: Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?\nReeve: Silence! OUR job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission.\nProfessor Chaos: Oh boy, General Disarray, may- maybe we just oughtta stay outta this one.\nHackman: [bursts through the doors with his supporters] Not so fast, Chris!\nReeve: [sucking on yet another fetus] Hack Man!\nHackman: We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over!\nReeve: No... [grabs his head in frustration] NOOOO!\nHackman: And now we're going to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again!\nScene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge each other.\nBuff Crip: You stupid mofos are dead!\nBlood 3: Make the first shot, punk!\nJimmy: Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth, or crippled in an accident. We're all brothers.\nBlood 4: Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers! [the atmosphere grows tense]\nJimmy: Look, we have the whole rec room to ourselves. Can't we all just try having some fun together?\n58 Crip: You talkin' crazy, dawg.\nBlood 5: Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!\nJimmy: Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean, [enunciates] Come on! [several tense seconds pass]\nBuff Crip: Wait a minute. What did you say?\nJimmy: I said, \"I mean, [enunciates] Come on!\"\nBlood 4: You know, maybe he's right. I mean, [enunciates] Come on!\nJimmy: [enunciates] Come on.\nBuff Crip: I guess we could at least give havin' fun together a try. It's like [enunciates] Come on.\nBlood 6: Yeah. Come on.\nCrip 2: Yeah, that's right. Come on.\nJimmy: Come on.\nSomeone: Come on.\nAll: [in agreement] Yeah, that's right. Come on. [moments later rap music is playing, gang members gather in the pool and one prepares for a dive. In the gym gang members play basketball without arguing. One of them dances along the foul line. In another room gang members play pool. The camera stops at Jimmy and three members - two Crips and one Blood]\nBuff Crip: I've gotta give you two dawgs props for puttin' an end to all this hate.\nJimmy: I told you, lock-ins at the rec center always work. And you know, I've learned something, too. I was player-hatin' Christopher Butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me. But just like... y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a... anger.\nBlood: Right on!\nCrip: [walks up to Timmy] Hey little roller, try some of this chronic shit.\nTimmy: Timmih! [takes a hit. Both Crips and Bloods laugh]\nJimmy: I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p... player hatin'. [a song begins, and Jimmy approaches the camera] The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in?\nGang Members: It used to be that Crips and Bloods didn't get along, But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song. Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love. Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs.\nScene Description: Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane of glass.\nReeve: You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man! I will be back!!\nScene Description: The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the celestial spectacle.\nStan: Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one.\nKyle: Me too."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A new classroom. As the camera follows a new teacher around, the following kids are seen working with clay. Clyde presses the pottery wheel pedal as Bebe molds a vase on the wheel. Wendy watches. Tweek, Red, and Pip work on clay on the table near the wall. In the foreground, Token presses the pottery wheel pedal as Annie molds a vase. Butters, Kevin, and Francis work on their own projects. Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are laughing at their project, which didn't require the use of the pottery wheel.\nTeacher: [walks through the class] Okay. Good, children, good. Remember to feel the clay. Be one with the clay. Nice. Uh huh. [the boys still laugh at their monument]\nCartman: [laughing] Put more clay on the balls.\nTeacher: [noticing] Boys! [they stop laughing as she points] What is that?\nKyle: A reindeer?\nTeacher: You know, I've had it! You four boys never take art class seriously!\nCartman: [retorts] What a crime. [the three others chuckle, then laugh out loud]\nTeacher: [displeased, with arms crossed] You think art is not important?\nStan: Weelll, art is just kinda... for gaywads.\nButters: [pipes up] I love art class!\nStan: See?\nTeacher: [reaches for their creation and grabs it by the shaft] Do you think this is funny?! [shakes it around for effect] Do you think this is funny, huh?! [ends up looking at the head, as if she's about to suck on it. The boys cover their mouths to hold their laughter, knowing how she looks with their creation like that, but soon they burst out laughing. The teacher now cradles the project] Well, you four can just spend your afternoon after school here making new pottery! [the laughter stops and the boys' jaws drop.]\nCartman: You can't do that!\nTeacher: I certainly can! I'm your teacher!\nCartman: You're an art teacher!\nTeacher: Make it two hours!\nScene Description: Cut to after school. The art teacher sits at her desk watching the boys work on a proper vase on the pottery wheel. Kyle is pressing the pedal. The boys are angry at their teacher\nStan: Mrs. Streibel thinks she's so cool!\nKyle: How dare she talk to us like that?!\nKenny: (Yeah, how the fuck is that?!)\nCartman: We can't let her get away with this! [voicing dropping to almost a whisper] I think tonight we need to do something drastic.\nStan: Like what?\nCartman: Like find out where Mrs. Streibel lives, and go over there, and... TP her house.\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nKyle: TP her house?\nCartman: Toilet paper! Cover her house in toilet paper.\nKyle: Oh.\nCartman: [sensing Kyle's reluctance] What's the matter, Kyle? You chicken? [begins strutting like a chicken and making chicken noises. Kyle kicks Cartman in the balls in anger] Ugh! [drops to his knees, then gets one leg up]\nTeacher: Quiet, boys. This isn't playtime, you're being punished!\nStan: [glares back at her, then softly] Fine! But we'll have the last laugh tonight, artwhore!\nCartman: [in pain] Yeah! Payback time, you ugly skank!\nScene Description: Henry's Supermarket, day. A woman watches her son ride in a coin-operated ride outside the store. Inside, the four boys approach checkout line 3 with two carts stacked high with packages of Kush Tush toilet paper.\nStan: D'you think that's enough?\nCartman: Should be fine.\nKyle: Don't you guys think this is a little suspicious? We should buy something else so it doesn't look obvious.\nCartman: Okay. [reaches behind the other boys and grabs something] Here we go, pack of chewing gum. [tosses it into the first cart. They approach the cash register]\nCashier: Hello boys. Find everything you need?\nCartman: Yep. All set.\nCashier: [begins scanning the packages] Mkay', let's see here. Toilet paper [\"beep\" $1.50 for a four-pack] Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep\"] So, what are you kids up to tonight? [\"beep\"]\nCartman: Oh, we're just gonna watch some TV, maybe play a board game.\nCashier: Nice relaxing night at home, huh? Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Aaand toilet paper [\"beep.\" He picks up the gum] Eh, hey. [holds up the gum] Now you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under tables.\nStan: Okay\nCashier: Okay. Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep.\"] You know, son, I remember you comin' in last week and buying this much toilet paper. [\"beep\"]\nCartman: Heh yeah, that that's right.\nCashier: ... Toilet paper [\"beep\"] Toilet paper [\"beep\"]\nKyle: You TP'ed a house last week, Cartman?\nCartman: No. Last Thursday night was fajitas night.\nKyle: Oh. [flashes disgust] Uuugh.\nScene Description: Mrs. Streibel's house, later, that night. The boys walk up to the house carrying black trash bags of toilet paper.\nStan: Is this the right house?\nCartman: It's the right address-wait! Look there! [the teacher prepares the dining-room table] There's Mrs. Streibel! This is the place. [loosens the drawstring on his back and lets the sides fall away. In the dining room, a boy and girl arrive and sit at table]\nKyle: Oh wait, wait, there's kids inside.\nCartman: So?\nKyle: So we're not TP'ing a house with kids inside it!\nStan: Kyle, we all agreed to do this!\nKyle: We didn't say nothin' about no kids, man!\nCartman: Kyle, you're being an asshole! Now let's do this thing and get out of m'yeah. [takes out a roll and advances a bit] Here's what I think of your art class, you God-damned bitch! [unleashes the first roll]\nKenny: (Yeah! Fuck you!)\nScene Description: Majestic music plays as Kenny unleashes his roll. Stan unleashes a roll. Cartman tosses off another one and grins. More rolls of paper fly onto the roof. Kyle tosses up a roll, unsure of doing so. Stan unleashes another one, and his glee is unabashed. Kenny tosses off another one. More and more rolls fly over the roof. Kyle freezes in awe of their vandalism. Toilet paper covers the house, the garage, and the trees around the house. The boys head for the sidewalk.\nCartman: Come on, let's go! [he and Kenny cross the road and drop down to a ditch on the other side. Stan follows]\nKyle: What have we done? [Stan looks back and gets Kyle]\nStan: Let's go, Kyle! [drags him off. Kyle is transfixed for a bit, then turns to follow Stan. A last shot of the house, and then the boys reach their bus stop gasping for air.]\nScene Description: The bus stop\nKyle: We're, we're in trouble. We're in sooo much trouble.\nCartman: Aw man, that was sooo awesome! [smiles]\nKyle: How can you say that? Did you see what we did to their house?! It'll take them days to clean that up!\nCartman: Who cares??\nKyle: Well, YOU don't, because you're a non-caring asshole, Cartman!\nCartman: Me?? [takes a couple steps forward] There's toilet paper on your hands, too, Kyle. [Kyle blanches]\nStan: Cartman's right, Kyle. We're all in this together.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but begins to have nightmares.\nKyle: Noo! No. [visions of flying toilet paper fill his head.] Noo! [an image of Mrs. Streibel's house being vandalized further, then of Mrs. Streibel running in horror.]\nMrs. Streibel: AAAAAAAAA!\nMr. Streibel: Honey, what is it?? Oh, Jesus no! Our house!\nStreibel daughters: [crying] Mommy! Mommy!\nMr. Streibel: [with her family around her] Whyyy? Whyyy?\nKyle: [wakes up, startled] Ah! Oh God! Oh God!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their regular classroom chatting, waiting for class to begin.\nButters: Hey, uh, you guys here what happened last night? Mrs. Streibel's house got covered with toilet paper.\nClyde: Yeah. They say it's gonna take three weeks to get it all down.\nCartman: Yeah? Well, Ol' Mrs. Streibel probably had it comin' to her.\nButters: I don't know. I don't think anybody deserves that kind of brutality.\nCartman: Well, I understand the people who did it weren't caught, so-o... Looks like nobody will ever know the geniuses who masterminded that perfect crime. [the bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with some books.]\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Oh, uh, Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the counselor wants to see you in his office, now.\nCartman: [snaps his fingers] Damn!\nKyle: Oh God!\nScene Description: Outside the counselor's office. The boys sit on chairs next to the door - the bench is gone. Kyle looks around nervously.\nKyle: How the hell did they find out it was us that TP'ed that house?\nCartman: Will you relax, Kyle?! They have nothing on us! As long as we all stick to our story, we'll be fine.\nStan: We'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.\nCartman: Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.\nKyle: I'm confused. Did Ally Sheedy take that personality\nStan: Yes, dude!\nCartman: Kyle, it's very simple: we followed Ally Sheedy out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46, you got it??\nKyle: Ah, Ah I, ah I thought...\nCartman: [exasperated] Oh, for Christ's sake!\nStan: Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all the talking, okay? He's better at being in trouble than anybody.\nCartman: Thank you, Stan. [the doorknow begins to turn] Sh sh, here they come, here they come. [the door opens and Mr. Mackey appears] \"And so I said, 'That's a terrific joke, Wendy. Tell us another one.'\" Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey. Are you ready to see us now?\nMr. Mackey: We're gonna talk to you one at a time, boys, m'kay? Kenny, will you step into my office, please?\nKenny: (Me??)\nMr. Mackey: Come on, Kenny, let's go, 'k? [Kenny hops off and enters the office, and Mr. Mackey closes the door. The other boys' jaws drop a bit.]\nCartman: Touchй, Mr. Mackey, touchй.\nKyle: Why are they doing us one at a time?\nCartman: They want to see if we mix the story up, and see if someone will rat out the other three for a better deal.\nKyle: [brightens up] I can get a better deal?\nCartman: Kyle, so help me God, if you Jew us out on this one, I will fucking kill you!\nScene Description: The Streibel house. Mr. Streibel is removing the toilet paper from the trees and house with a broom. He's already filled two trash bags of toilet paper and is filling a third.\nMr. Streibel: There we go. That should be about the last of it. [Officer Barbrady passes by with police tape, stretching it out from tree to tree. The camera pulls back to show the house is also covered in police tape] Ex- excuse me, uh, wha-what are you doing?\nOfficer Barbrady: Crime scene investigation! [pulls out a small tape recorder and starts speaking into it] There are several footprints in the snow. Perhaps more than one perpetrator? [turns it off]\nMr. Streibel: Ah... look, we really don't wanna make a big deal out of this.\nOfficer Barbrady: [noticing the trash bags] Is that the toilet paper there? I'll need to take those bags as evidence.\nMr. Streibel: Look it's just not that big a deal, I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself when I was a kid.\nOfficer Barbrady: You?! So where were you last night at around 9?!\nMr. Streibel: I was here.\nOfficer Barbrady: Aha!! Got you!\nMr. Streibel: Officer, why would I TP my own house?\nOfficer Barbrady: Insurance?\nMr. Streibel: It wasn't me, okay? Now, if you don't mind, I just wanna get my yard back to normal.\nOfficer Barbrady: [grabs him by the collar] Now you listen to me! Whoever TP'ed your house is still out there roaming the streets. It's only a matter of time before another house and another family is victimized! I have to stop that from happening.\nMr. Streibel: You really have nothing better to do, do you?\nOfficer Barbrady: No I do not.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but the nightmares return.\nKyle: Noo! No. [visions of flying toilet paper fill his head.] Noo! [an image of Mrs. Streibel's house being vandalized further, then of Mrs. Streibel running in horror.]\nMrs. Streibel: AAAAAAAAA!\nMr. Streibel: Oh, Jesus no! Our house!\nStreibel daughters: [crying] Mommy! Mommy!\nNancy Kerrigan: [being treated on the ice rink] Whyyy? Whyyy? Whyyy?\nKyle: [wakes up, startled] Oh God! Oh God! I have to tell the truth! [hops off the bed and runs to the bedroom door] Mooooomm! [opens the door and finds Cartman in the hallway]\nCartman: [in rave tones] Hello, Kyle. Going somewhere?\nKyle: I was... I was just going to get a drink of water.\nCartman: No need. I have one for you right here. [presents a glass of water to him]\nKyle: [takes the glass] Oh. Okay. Thanks.\nCartman: Is there anything else I can get for you?\nKyle: Noo, I'll just... be... going back to bed now.\nCartman: You do that. Goodnight, Kyle. [closes the door]\nScene Description: Park County Juvenile Hall, day. Inside, the warden leads Officer Barbrady to Cell Block 4.\nWarden: Josh Meyers TP'ed over six hundred houses in less than a year. [fumbles for his keys.] He's a real monster.\nOfficer Barbrady: I just need to talk to someone who knows how toilet paperers think.\nWarden: Just remember: he'd toilet-paper you in a second if he had the chance. [finally opens the door] He's the last cell on your left. [Barbrady enters and finds himself in an old part of the Hall. He walks past the prisoners and arrives at Josh's cell. It is a brick cell with a thick glass wall where prison bars would normally be. Holes in the glass allow for conversation. Josh has paintings of toilet paper around the cell.]\nOfficer Barbrady: Hello, Josh. My name is Officer Barbrady. I'm with the South Park police.\nJosh: [affecting a Hopkins accent] That's a terrible cologne you're wearing, officer. You should try something more... casual.\nOfficer Barbrady: I was hoping you could help me solve a toilet-papering case?\nJosh: And why would I do that? Because I'm such a charming fella?\nOfficer Barbrady: Uh please, I need your help. What would you want in return?\nJosh: [turns away] Due to the harsh nature of my crimes they don't allow me to have toilet paper in my cell. You can imagine how bothersome that becomes.\nOfficer Barbrady: You... know I can't give you toilet paper, Josh.\nJosh: [turns back] No, but it was worth a try, wasn't it? [a closeup of Josh's face] Tell me something, officer: why is it that you police such a small town. You must have had larger inspirations. What happened to those... big-city dreams?\nOfficer Barbrady: [reflecting] Well, that's kind of personal.\nJosh: [extreme closeup] Quid pro quo, officer. Tell me what I want to know. And I'll help you catch whoever toilet-papered that house.\nOfficer Barbrady: Look kid, I have very little time to catch whoever toilet-papered that house. Tell me what you know.\nJosh: Are those the crime scene photos? Let me see them. [approaches the drop slot as Barbrady slides the packet of photos in, then walks back and takes them out for review.] Yes. Yes. Not bad work, not bad at all. These toilet-paperers are professionals...at least one of them is.\nOfficer Barbrady: So you think there was more than one. Why?\nJosh: [puts the photos behind his back] Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove. You wanted to protect and serve, but mostly you wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh all right, all right, my uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt! [cries uncontrollably]\nJosh: [closes his eyes, satisfied.] Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most like males between the ages of 8 and 10 and probably virgins. Parents notice that much toilet paper missing, so they would have to have bought it themselves. Find out where the toilet paper came from, officer, and you just might catch your man.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are moving towards their classes, passing each other in the process. Stan and Kenny are talking with Clyde, Craig, and Kevin.\nCartman: Stan, Kenny, can I talk to you guys for a second? [Stan waves bye to Clyde, Craig, and Kevin, and they leave. He and Kenny approach Cartman talks in hushed tones] I think we have the counselor and the principal fooled, but we need to talk about Kyle.\nStan: What about him?\nCartman: Come on, you know. He's losing it. He's gonna crack.\nKenny: (I think so too.)\nCartman: Kyle can't take the heat; he's gonna sing like a canary. Then we're all gonna take the fall for what we did.\nButters: [walks up] Ha-ey fellas. [Cartman and Kenny avoid eye contact with Butters]\nStan: Butters. [looks down, then away, then sniffs, then clears his throat. After a while, Butters just walks off]\nCartman: [a few seconds later] Look you guys, all it takes is for one of us to crack, and we all know who the weakest link is!\nStan: So what should we do?\nCartman: We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle.\nStan: [just looks at Cartman] ... Dude, we're not killing Kyle!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nCartman: Why not?\nStan: Kyle's not gonna say anything, alright?\nCartman: He almost spilled the beans in the counselor's office! He can't even keep the story straight! I'm telling you guys, he's weak. He's weak, and he'll be the end of all of us. [walks off]\nScene Description: South Park Police Department.\nCashier: You wanted to see me, Officer Barbrady?\nOfficer Barbrady: Yes, thanks for coming, Mr. Bell. A house was TP'ed in South Park and I need to see if you can identify the toilet paper I recovered from the scene. [walks up to a body bag] I'm... sorry I have to do this. [unzips the bag and recoils with Bell at the apparent foul odor. They both cough]\nMr. Bell: Oh my God.\nOfficer Barbrady: Is this toilet paper from your store?\nMr. Bell: It's... difficult to tell, it's... so decayed, I... wait a minute, yes. Yes, I recognize the floral pattern now.\nOfficer Barbrady: [takes out the tape recorder, turns it on, and speaks into it] Positive ID on the toilet paper. [turns it off and puts it away]\nMr. Bell: Who would... do this to toilet paper? Who?\nOfficer Barbrady: Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious buying toilet paper in the last few days?\nMr. Bell: Suspicious like how?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, like someone who was black or Mexican or Middle Eastern.\nMr. Bell: Nnoo, the only Mexican guy I recall bought toasted tarts and chips and... we don't allow Middle Eastern people in the store. [arrives at a realization] Oh my God! [vomits]\nScene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A low fog moves over the surface of the water.\nKyle: What's this all about, Cartman?\nCartman: I just wanted to see how you're doing, Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little boat ride?\nKyle: A boat ride?\nCartman: I just thought we should find a private place to... talk.\nKyle: Well, okay.\nCartman: Could you help me put this cement block and chain in the boat? [Kyle walks over and helps Cartman load the block and chain onto the boat. Kyle then hops in. Cartman retrieves a bat, loads it onto the boat, and hops in. The boat begins to float away from the shore.] Okay, let's go. [starts to row. The boat heads for the middle of the pond, and eerie music plays] So how are things, Kyle?\nKyle: Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.\nCartman: And you feel like you have to confess.\nKyle: I don't know what to do. [Cartman reaches for the bat while Kyle has his back to him] Part of me feels like I wanna end it all now. [Cartman takes aim] Tell people what heppened. You know, I never knew how beautiful this pond was before. [Cartman moves the bat around, measuring Kyle] So cold. The world can feel like that. [Cartman moves forward, ready to whack him] So calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens. [Cartman takes a whack at Kyle's head, but all Kyle does is blink] Ow. [rubs his head and turns around] What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!\nCartman: I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle ball bat, so it's gonna take a while. [whacks him again]\nKyle: Cartman!\nCartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [whacks him twice more]\nKyle: You wanna kill me?! Fine! [turns around and crosses his arms] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it! [Cartman lowers the bat and thinks a bit, then resumes whacking Kyle. Once. Then eight more times.]\nCartman: Won't be long, Kyle. [whacks him three more times.]\nScene Description: Juvenile Hall, day. Barbrady returns to Cell Block 4.\nOfficer Barbrady: Josh, I need your help.\nJosh: The answer is right in front of you, but you can't see it.\nOfficer Barbrady: How do you mean?\nJosh: Tell me, the toilet paper. Was it quilted?\nOfficer Barbrady: Yes.\nJosh: Single-sheet?\nOfficer Barbrady: No, two-ply. [Josh closes his eyes and thinks hard] What? What does that tell you?\nJosh: Why does one toilet-paper houses\nOfficer Barbrady: To get revenge.\nJosh: No, that is incidental. Your toilet-paperers wanted to transform the art teacher's house, thus transforming her entire occupation.\nOfficer Barbrady: What do you mean?\nJosh: Your uncle, who hit you with a belt. Was he a large man?\nOfficer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.\nJosh: Did he stink like bayer when he came home from work all powoor from playin' down at the pool house?\nOfficer Barbrady: Alright alright my dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and he made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [cries uncontrollably]\nJosh: Whoa. Uh, oh. Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most likely students in the art teacher's class, students who aren't very good at art.\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh. Of course! One of her students!\nJosh: Fly along now, Officer Barbrady. You've got some arrests to make. [turns around and whispers to himself] Fly fly flyyy. Fly fly flyyy.\nWarden: [arrives at Josh's cell] Josh, [the smile vanishes from Josh's face] were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?\nJosh: [normal voice] No, sir.\nScene Description: Stark's pond, night. Cartman is still whacking away at Kyle, in vain. Stan and Kenny come up in a pedal-powered boat. Both of them are pedaling. Stan looks over.\nStan: Cartman, what are you doing?\nCartman: I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.\nStan: You don't have to kill Kyle, dude. The police made an arrest. And the person confessed!\nCartman: They did?\nKyle: They did?\nStan: They say they got the guy that did it down at the police station.\nKyle: Who confessed? That doesn't make any sense.\nCartman: But can I still kill Kyyyle?\nScene Description: South Park Police Department, day. The boys head for the station and enter.\nOfficer Barbrady: Hello boys. How are you?\nStan: We heard that you have the person who TP'ed the art teacher's house? Is that true?\nOfficer Barbrady: It sure is!\nCartman: Uh, can we see them-him-her?\nOfficer Barbrady: Right over here. [takes the boys over to the one jail cell] Yeah, we interrogated the suspect for over forty hours, and he finally cracked. [the boys turn right to see the suspect]\nButters: Hey fellas!\nStan: Butters?\nButters: Yep. I'm in jail.\nKyle: You con-fessed?\nButters: Uh huh. Unh, they said I TP'ed the art teacher's house. [thoughtful] I don't seem to remember it, [normal] but they're pretty sure it was me. [approaches the bars and grabs them] I just can't get my behavior under control!\n!Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now.\nButters: Yeah. And boy, are they gonna uh let me have it! Just wait till my father gets here!\nKyle: [turns away, and the other boys huddle around him] You guys, we can't let him do this!\nCartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God. An early Easter present all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon from Jesus Christ himself!\nButters: Well I'm just a little asshole, is what I am. When God made me, he must have not been payin' very close attention, 'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain wrong!\nKyle: Officer Barbrady, Butters didn't TP that house.\nOfficer Barbrady: Why do you say that?\nKyle: Because it was-\nCartman: [rushes up and intervenes] Wiffle ball, anyone? [glares at Kyle] Anyone care for a nice game of Wiffle ball?\nButters: You know, it's not my parents I'm worried about. It's my girlfriend, Carrie. Why, she lives in Michigan. But when she finds out about this, woooo smokey, is she gonna be sore! She might even break up with me. And it would serve me right, too.\nOfficer Barbrady: All right, boys, visiting time is over. Thanks for stopping by.\nScene Description: South Park Police Department, outside. The boys leave the station.\nCartman: You see guys, it all worked itself out. Tadow, tadow, how you like me now? Feel a little silly now, Kyle? Tadow, how you like me now?\nKyle: I still feel bad, Cartman\nCartman: What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody else is gonna pay for our crime.\nKyle: Yeah. That makes it even worse.\nCartman: Bu... ...eh... Kyle, you don't seem to understand. We're we're not gonna get punished for this. Ever.\nKyle: I know.\nCartman: So... so then, how can you feel bad?\nStan: He feels guilty for doing it and for letting someone else pay for it.\nCartman: ...But he's not gonna get in trouble.\nStan: It doesn't matter if you get in trouble of not, you can still feel bad. [to Kyle] I think you're right, Kyle. Maybe we should confess.\nKenny: (Yeah, maybe we should.)\nCartman: What?? Eh... [tries to be upbeat] hey you guys! There's nothing to feel bad about! We're, we're off scot-free!\nKyle: We feel bad for other people.\nCartman: [looks at the other boys in disbelief] For oth-er... [winces] Uh. Oww. ...Ih ...Ih, ih, is it that ...you think you might get in trouble later?\nStan: Tomorrow in school we'll all tell the teacher it was us, and let her decide what to do. [points an accusing finger at Cartman] And Cartman, if you had any thread of a conscience at all, you'll do the same! [He, Kyle, and Kenny leave]\nCartman: Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos, man!\nScene Description: South Park Police Department. The Stotches arrive at the police station and charge in.\nStephen: Well well well! I had to see it to believe it! [approaches the jail cell]\nButters: Hi, Dad.\nStephen: Don't you \"Hi, Dad\" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars! Again!\nButters: Yeah.\nLinda: What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters?! You know damn well you didn't toilet-paper that house!\nOfficer Barbrady: Huh??\nStephen: Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.\nLinda: Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit?! We have had it, mister!\nButters: Well, he kept accusin' me for hours, and then he shot me up with sodium pentathol.\nStephen: And that's your excuse?!\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, looks like I made a mistake. I... guess I'd better let you out now. [goes to the cell door and opens it]\nStephen: Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!\nButters: [steps back from the door] Officer, can I stay in jail, please?\nScene Description: The woods near Stark's Pond, evening. Eric appears and calls out to people behind him.\nCartman: Come on, you guys! Hurry! [steps forward and looks back to his friends] Guys, hurry!\nStan: [appears] What is it, Cartman? [Kyle and Kenny trail Stan]\nCartman: It's over this way! Come on!\nScene Description: Stark's Pond, later. Cartman rows the small boat to the middle of the lake, as he did before with Kyle. Lonely music plays, as before.\nCartman: So how are things, guys?\nStan: Cartman, we're confessing tomorrow in school, and that's final.\nCartman: I'm afraid I can't let that happen.\nKyle: You can't kill all three of us, Cartman!\nCartman: Can't I? [pulls out the Wiffle ball bat and starts whacking the other three. They just look at each other.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Officer Barbrady enters the principal's office.\nOfficer Barbrady: Excuse me, everyone. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Streibel turn around. Principal Victoria sits at her desk] I have someone with me who can tell us all who toilet-papered the art teacher's house! [the door opens and Josh is rolled in tied up to a dolly by a policeman. He quickly looks to his left] Josh insisted he be able to tell you the names of the toilet paperers in person. [on top of a file cabinet near the door is a roll of toilet paper. Josh smiles]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, that's nice, Officer Barbrady, but we actually don't need to know-\nKyle: [rushes in] Hold it! [Stan and Kenny rush in behind him] Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mrs. Streibel. We have something we need to tell you.\nPrincipal Victoria: All right. Will you people stop barging into my office, please?\nJosh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?\nPrincipal Victoria: [pointing] Get him out of here!\nOfficer Barbrady: Uh, Policeman Brown, will you take Josh outside, please?\nJosh: [being rolled out] Ooh, Policeman Brown, never quite made officer. Why is that, Policeman Brown? [the roll of toilet paper is now gone...]\nKyle: We have to confess that we were the ones that-\nMr. Mackey: It's too late, boys, m'kay? We already know everything.\nStan: You, you do? How?\nCartman: [steps forward from the back of the room] Hi guys.\nKyle: Cartman??\nCartman: I told them everything, you guys. It's over.\nPrincipal Victoria: Luckily for us, one of you had enough of a conscience to come forward.\nCartman: My consciences just caught up with me.\nKyle: That's not fair!\nMr. Mackey: You all get two weeks of detention, except Eric, who gets one week for being brave.\nKyle: But, but he's lying! He doesn't have a conscience!\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, I guess my work here is done. After all this, I'm gonna need a long vacation. [turns and exits the room]\nKyle: This was supposed to be my story! My coming to terms with a guilty conscience! This isn't fair!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway outside the principal's office.\nOfficer Barbrady: Okay, Josh, time to go back to the... [sees Policeman Brown covered in toilet paper and Josh's dolly empty] Oh no!\nPoliceman Brown: He... He was too fast for me. He ran out the door!\nOfficer Barbrady: Couldn't you have gone after him?\nPoliceman Brown: Well, ah I'm covered in toilet paper. I'd look silly.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, after school. Mr. Mackey addresses the detained. The boys are there, as well as two of the sixth graders, and Craig and Bebe.\nMr. Mackey: Welcome to detention. You will be here till five o'clock, so make good study use of your time. M'kay?\nStan: Wugh! Two weeks of this!\nKyle: Yeah. But I have to say, I feel a lot better now.\nCartman: I know what you mean, Kyle. I realize now that even though you might not get caught doing something bad, you can still get caught later.\nKyle: Oh Jesus! [buries his face in his hands, then raises it as Cartman talks]\nCartman: I didn't feel bad before, but now I just feel terrible.\nKyle: You just feel bad for yourself that you're in detention!\nCartman: Right. I guess I learned today that sometimes you-\nKyle: Oh, stop it, Cartman! You didn't learn anything! Not a God-damned thing!\nCartman: Hm.\nScene Description: South Park Police Department, afternoon. Barbrady stands at his desk. The phone rings and he answers it.\nOfficer Barbrady: Police station.\nJosh: [over the earpiece] Hello Officer Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: Josh? Josh, where are you?!\nScene Description: An undisclosed location, day.\nJosh: I'm afraid that giving away my location might be harmful to my freedom, officer. I just wanted to thank you for helping me get out of that dingy cell.\nScene Description: South Park Police Department.\nOfficer Barbrady: Josh, you have to go back to Juvenile Hall. You only have a three-week sentence.\nScene Description: Washington DC, day.\nJosh: Sorry, officer, gotta run. There's something I've been meaning to do for quite some time. Ciao. [hangs up. Next to him are two boxes full of toilet paper. He picks them up and leaves the phone. The camera zooms out to reveal the location to be a park across the street from the White House. Josh heads for the White House, but stops at the curb to gaze at it.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings. The fourth graders are still chatting as Mr. Garrison enters.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave?\nMr. Slave: [at his own little desk off to the side] All donesy wunsy. [has a clipboard to prove it]\nMr. Garrison: Okay, let's all take out our math homework and go over the problem.\nCartman: [searching his notebook] Math homework, Math homework. Where did I file that?\nMr. Garrison: [about to write on the board, but turns around] Oh, and by the way, children, there's a walkout scheduled today to protest the war in Iraq. So, uh, if you're against the war, run along outside, and if you're for the war, uh, stay here and we'll do math problems. [the kids quickly stare at each other]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, front entrance. The door open and all the kids run out. A cloud of paper signals their exit. Some of them twirl with delight. The boys come out singing.\nThe Boys: We got out of schoo-l! No more school toda-ay!\nKyle: What should we do?\nStan: Let's go see a movie! [they stop in their tracks as they hear \"No war! No war!\"]\nProtesters: No war! No war! [a sea of them mill around on South Park Avenue waving various signs around] No war! No war! [One man wields an American flag. He lowers it while another reaches for a lighter and set the flag aflame.] No war! No war! [three men break into Tele's through its large window and steal various TVs] No war! No war! No war!\nMr. Mackey: [walks up to the boys with several signs in his hands] No war, m'kay?! No war, m'kay?! Oh uh, here you go, boys. [hands each of them a sign] These will help you protest. It's good to see that you care about peace, boys, m'kay? No war, m'kay?!\nA voice: Excuse me, boys. [the boys look and the adult is shown] Tom Stansel, HBC news. Can you kids tell me why you marched out of school today? [behind him is the cameraman and an assistant, and behind her, the news van]\nStan: [pause] Uh... war?\nTom: Right. What about the war?\nKyle: [pause] Ih ih ih-t's g-gay?\nTom: Uh huh, and what aspect of it do you think is most gay?\nKyle: [looks at his sign] Uuuh, n-no blood for oil.\nStan: Yeah. [the mic moves back to him as he looks at his sign] War is not my voice.\nCartman: [reading Kenny's sign] Bush is a Naizi\nSkeeter: [arrives with a crowd] Hey all you un-American bastards! If you don't like America, why don't you git out?! [moves his right thumb in front of his shoulder and to his right. With him are Jimbo, Ned, Stuart, and Craig's father Tom]\nMr. Mackey: Don't you call us un-American! This country was founded on the right to protest! M'kay?\nProtesters: Yeah! Right!\nStuart: If the Founding Fathers saw you burning your flag an' callin' the President a Nazi, they'd roll over in their grave!\nSupporters: Yeah! Right!\nRandy: The Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest!\nSkeeter: Foundin' Fathers would kick all your asses!\nTom: Boys, what do you think the Founding Fathers would say?\nCartman: ...Eh the... Founding who? [seconds later, both sides rush each other and attack]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. He stares at the children angrily, his arms crossed.\nMr. Garrison: [drops his arm, putting his right hand on his hip] Well, I hope you little Commies are pretty pleased with yourselves! [crosses his arms again] Going out there and protesting America, and then saying on national television that you don't even know who the Founding Fathers are! You kids don't know squat about America, do you?!\nButters: Mmuh well, not really, no.\nMr. Garrison: Well that's just jingles! Because I'm assigning all you little flag-burners a full report on seventeen seventy-siyix, and the Founding Fathers!\nClass: Awwwwww!\nMr. Garrison: SHUT UP! I want you all in your study groups of four, and if you can't give an outstanding report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about all this protesting, then it's Fs for you! [walks off]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom, moments later. The class has separated in groups of four and five. Group 1: Jimmy, Red, Clyde, Bebe, Wendy. Group 2: Butters, Jordan, Kevin, Token. Group 3: Cartman, Kenny, Stan, Kyle. Group 4: Tweek, Pip, blond boy, Craig, another boy. All are studying quietly. Camera angle moves from the front of the room to the side of the room opposite the door.\nCartman: [beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]\nKyle: [smacks Cartman] Oh no you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on your ass while the rest of us do all the work!\nCartman: But you guys are such better studiers than me. I know you can pull it off.\nStan: [pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!\nCartman: Maaaa. M-maaaa.\nKyle: [annoyed] SHUT UP AND STUDY!\nCartman: Maaaa. Mah mah mh. [reluctantly returns to reading. He begins to fidget, then reads more, then fidgets again, turns the page, fidgets once more, then just thinks] Hmmm, 1776. When our Founding Fathers created America. I wonder what it used to be like in those days? [repeats the question, his voice fading at each repetition] In those days? In those days? In those days?\nKyle: [noticing] What are you doing?\nCartman: I'm trying to have a flashback.\nKenny: (A what?)\nCartman: You know. If I have a flashback, then I can see what 1776 was like first-hand!\nStan: No, you just have to study.\nCartman: No. I've seen this work before. Just give me a second. [thinks] Oh okay, okay. How about this: Say guys, 1776 was so long ago. I wonder what life would have been like back then? [repeats the last two words, his voice fading at each repetition] Back then? Back then? Back then? [nothing happens. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at him] Um... Oh waitwait, I know, I know! Heheh, you know guys, I don't even care about 1776. It was so long ago, that I don't think it has anything to do with me. [his voice begins to fade and he begins moving his hands around like a pantomime. The camera closes in] With me. With... anything to do with me. With me.\nKyle: That isn't gonna work, dumbass!\nMr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.\nStan: [from behind his book] Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna have to study!\nCartman: [throws a fit] Maaaaa. Meh mameh, Maaaaa!\nScene Description: South Park Avenue. The opposing groups face each other in front of the tallest building in town. Skeeter paints a line across the span of the street and looks up.\nSkeeter: There! All finished. From now on, this is the pro-war side of town, and that's the unpatriotic side. [the war supporters begin to clamor]\nRandy: How about we call this the rational side of town, and that the redneck side?!\nProtesters: Hahahaha, yeah.\nJimbo: You just keep all your flag burnin' and your hippie-rock protest songs on YOUR side of the town!\nProtester: Hey wait a minute, your side of town has the post office.\nStuart: Well your side has the grocery store.\nJimbo: Well you can come to our side of town to use the post office and we can go to your side to use the grocery store.\nGerald: Aaah, can we cross the line to take our kids to school?\nJimbo: W-hell, naturally you could cross the line for that. Just like ...we could cross the line for hardware, supplies, gas, and pharmaceutical needs.\nTownsfolk: Yup, yes sir, yeah, right, uh huh.\nSkeeter: Hey everybody, this is never going to work. Don't you see? All this dividin' up the town, it's just ridiculous. What we really should be doing, is just beatin' the hell out of each other like we were.\nRandy: He's right. [looks at Sheila] Boy, do I feel like a fool. [moments later, both sides attack each other again. Among the skirmishes: Kenny's mom attacks Gerald, Sheila attacks Ned]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, upstairs. The boys walk down the hallway and reach Cartman's room. He's rigged up a way to ... knock himself out. Three pulley wheels and a nail guide a string tied to the door across the entrance, up the wall, and back to the top of the door entrance. At the other end of the string is a big rock.\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be studying! [the boys stop at the entrance to Cartman's room]\nCartman: That's what I'm doing. I'm about to find out all about what happened back in 1776. [tests the tautness of the string]\nStan: How?!\nCartman: All I have to do is be thinking about American history when I walk through this doorway. I'll trip the rope, causing the rock to fall on my head. And then I will have a flashback to the times of our Founding Fathers!\nKyle: Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged retard!\nCartman: Haha, make fun of me all you want, Kyle! But I will have the last laugh. Gentlemen, if you will clear the doorway, please? [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Kenny looks at them. They clear the doorway. Kyle stands on one side, Stan and Kenny on the other. Cartman backs up, clears his throat, then begins to walk with purpose] Oh Gee. I wonder what it used to be like in the year 1776. [trips the string. The rock immediately falls on his head, knocking him out. He moans a few times.]\nKyle: Cartman? Cartman?? [the boys gather around Cartman. Kyle turns him over.]\nCartman: Benjamin Franklin?\nKyle: No, turdpants, it's Kyle!\nCartman: [touches Kyle, then in a weak raspy voice] Kyle! Get out of my flashback, you God-damned Jew!\nScene Description: City Hall, day. Both sides of the war issue are in the office.\nTownsfolk: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!\nMayor McDaniels: Okay, people. What are we rambling about now?\nRandy: [steps forward] Mayor, our peace rally has always been set for this Saturday! Now, these pro-war bastards are suddenly trying to say they get the town square.\nSkeeter: [steps forward, past a few war supporters] That's bullcrap, Mayor! Our rally to support the war was set up months ago!\nGerald: There was no war months ago!\nSkeeter: Hey, if you don't like America, then you can git out!\nRandy: Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of twangy country music propaganda!\nStuart: Well nobody wants to hear a bunch o' rock protest songs! [both side begin to clamor again]\nMr. Mackey: Well up yours, rednecks!\nTownsfolk: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!\nMayor McDaniels: Quiet people! The town square is public space. That means if neither group will nicely and maturely move the day of its rally, I'll just have to give the town square to both groups.\nJimbo: All right, that's fine! Because our war support songs will be a thousand times better!\nRandy: Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle!\nSkeeter: We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!\nGerald: Yeah?! See you Saturday, makizzer shanna sharilla shaz biuznatch gazizzah!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in walk the boys.\nStan: Cartman?\nKyle: Cartman? You'd better be studying, God-damnit! [there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.]\nCartman: Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in time.\nStan: Oh no...\nCartman: Oh yes! I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!\nKyle: Cartman, you're supposed to be studying! What the hell is all this?!\nCartman: I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!\nStan: Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.\nCartman: Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]\nTV OH: Your Tivo is full.\nCartman: Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. The boys spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]\nKyle: Cartman? [no response] Cartman??\nStan: Aww crap.\nScene Description: The flashback. Cartman is seen in period dress, face down on a dirt road. He comes to, looks up, sits up and looks around, then notices his clothes. He quickly rises and looks at Philadelphia in the distance.\nCartman: Ohhh awesome!!! [a horse-drawn carriage approaches, driven by a teenage boy.]\nOfficial messenger boy: Worthy young lad, are you all right?\nCartman: Yeah yeah. Can you tell me what year it is?\nOfficial messenger boy: This year? Why it's 1776, it is.\nCartman: Oho yes! I did it I did it!\nOfficial messenger boy: Would you like a ride into town? I'm on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's house to get a very important document, I am.\nCartman: Oho kick fucking ass, dude! [approaches the carriage and climbs up to sit alongside the driver]\nOfficial messenger boy: Never seen you around here, friend. Might you be from up North?\nCartman: No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having a flashback.\nOfficial messenger boy: A flashback? Why, what is that?\nCartman: Well you know, it's a... [points at something] H-ho, awesome! [they've entered the town and Cartman begins to sing.] Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776. With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses made of bricks. What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously. Seriously hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's recovery room. Cartman's mom sits by his bed as Stan and Kyle look on. Dr. Doctor enters.\nLiane: [jumps up worried] Is he going to be all right, doctor??\nDr. Doctor: Your son tried to kill himself in a ritualistic fashion I've never seen before. His chances of surviving are very slim. I'm so sorry.\nLiane: [quickly returns to embrace him, with emotion in her voice.] Oh baby baby, you can't die.\nKyle: Yeah. We have a report to do, asshole! Get up! Get up!! [shakes him hard]\nLiane: Whoa. Easy, Kyle.\nKyle: But it's not fair! We have to do a full report on the Founding Fathers, and Cartman got out of helping us again!\nStan: I guess we're just gonna have to do it with the three of us! Come on, guys!\nLiane: I know you're in a very dark place now, sweetie. But you must come toward the light! Come toward the light!\nScene Description: Flashback, night. The driver and Cartman approach Jefferson's house.\nOfficial messenger boy: Here we are, then. The current residence of Master Thomas Jefferson.\nCartman: Super neato! [both driver and Cartman disboard and walk towards the door]\nOfficial messenger boy: [stops and turns] I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.\nCartman: But, I need to talk to the Founding Fathers to do my report.\nOfficial messenger boy: Sorry. Only the official messenger boy is allowed to talk to Mister Jefferson\nCartman: Oh, okay.I guess I understand. [the driver walks off. Cartman notices some firewood and picks up a log of it, then follows the driver while singing to himself] I don't wanna wait for our life to be over...[he quickly assaults the driver and beats him with the log, then drags the body away and returns to the Jefferson residence, knocking on the door] I don't wanna wait for our life to be over...\nJefferson: Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson.\nCartman: And I am the official messenger boy, I am.\nJefferson: [holding a document] Very well. Take this document to the Continental Congress. [hands it to Cartman]\nCartman: [beholding it] Wow, the Declaration of Independence Day.\nJefferson: Some favor going to war with England and others want to avoid war at all cost.\nCartman: It's a bitch, ain't it?\nJefferson: Perhaps this document will make the reasons for war obvious to all. Good luck, young messenger! [Cartman turns and heads for the carriage] Now make haste!\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny study at the coffee table in the living room.\nStan: Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, then the Continental Congress-\nProtesters: [first heard, then seen as they enter from screen left] No war! No war! No war!\nKyle: Oh, Jesus...\nRandy: Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the living room. We have to practice our big war protest song.\nStan: Dad, we have to study. Mr. Garrison is making us do a presentation on what the Founding Fathers would say about the war.\nMr. Mackey: Hey... That's a terrific idea!\nGerald: Yeah! We could have the boys do their presentation as part of our peace rally on Saturday!\nStan: Oh, no, nononono.\nSupporters: [first heard, then they enter through the front door] Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops!\nSkeeter: See? I told you they had your son.\nStuart: Kenny. What are you doing over here with all these un-American traitors?!\nKenny: (I'm doing my homework.)\nRandy: The boys are going to give a presentation at our rally about how the Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest! [the war supporters clamor against Randy]\nStan: Actually, we hadn't really come to a decision-\nStuart: Look! My son is a patriot and LOVES his country! [grabs Kenny's jacket] Come on, Kenny!\nKenny: (But Dad, I-)\nStuart: NOW!\nSkeeter: Yeah!\nSupporters: Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! [they walk out the front door. Kenny follows his dad out. Stan follows him ]\nStan: [stops at the open door] Kenny, no- ohhh! Awww. [turns around and returns to the table] Awww, now we lost two in our study group!\nKyle: [shoves his book off the table] God damnit!\nRandy: Can you believe those hick sons of bitches? Manipulating those kids to be on their side.\nGerald: Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up to you to show all those war-mongerers that the Founding Fathers agree with us!\nProtester 1: Yeah, that's right!\nProtester 2: Come on, guys!\nProtester 3: Get back to work!\nKyle: Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap?\nScene Description: Philadelphia, day. Independence Hall is shown. Cartman enters and finds the Congress room. The doors open before him.\nA voice: Enter, young messenger. [Cartman enters the room, awed by the people he sees around him, and approaches the main desk. He hands the document to the man waiting there] I am John Hancock, President of the Congress.\nCartman: Wow.\nHancock: Mr. John Adams?\nAdams: Aye. [rises and approaches the table]\nHancock: Will you do the honors of reading the document to Congress, please? [Cartman takes an empty chair nearby]\nAdams: [reading from the Declaration] WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one Penis to rise up- [cut to the end of the Declaration] -we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.P.S. - Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day. [rolls up the Declaration. Cartman looks around]\nA Congressman: Excuse me, but does this Declaration actually suggest that we should go to go war with England?\nAdams: We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson. [chatter erupts]\nScene Description: South Park, day. The town square stage. On stage are decorations for the two sides. On the left is a large peace sign on a green curtain surrounded by peace signs and protest signs, on the right is a large eagle surrounded by yellow ribbons. Both groups are on stage.\nMr. Mackey: All right everyone, thank you all for comin' out to protest the war, m'kay? [people within the crowd clap. Randy comes out dressed in an Elvis outfit].\nSkeeter: Don't kid yourselves. These people have come out to support our troops, right?! [raises a fist. Other people within the crowd clap]\nMr. Mackey: And now, Randy Marsh is gonna sing a protest song he wrote about the war.\nSkeeter: Oh no you don't! We're doing our pro-war song first!\nJimbo: Yeah! The last thing these people want is a bleedin'-heart rock protest song!\nMayor McDaniels: [intervenes] People, I told you, you have to share the stage.\nRandy: Nobody wants to here another pro-war country song!\nSkeeter: Well excuse me if... I'm a little bit country.\nRandy: Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH!\nSkeeter: I'm a little for supportin' our troops.\nRandy: And I'm a little for bringin' 'em home.\nSkeeter: I believe freedom isn't free.\nRandy: No, but war shouldn't be our goal.\nSkeeter: We must defend our country.\nRandy: If it means war, then we say NO!\nSomebody: Yeehaw!\nSkeeter: [walks to the edge of the stage in front of the war support crowd, then sits on the edge] Did you forget them towers in New York? Did you forget how it made you feel To see them towers come down? Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?\nRandy: I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock Iraq! The only kind of rockin' America should do, is the kind that we can all dance to, yeah!\nSkeeter: We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned lead. We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch'll be dead.\nRandy: Why are we fightin' this war? There's a man in the office we didn't vote for. They didn't give me a choice. War is not my voice! Yeaaaaahhhh!\nScene Description: Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument going on.\nAdams: We must go to war!\nDickinson: But what about the violence?! The lives lost?! If we found a country, it should be founded on peace and diplomacy.\nCongressman 1: England will only understand one thing: Force.\nCongressman 2: [rises] I must state again for the record that South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Georgia are against war! [pounds the table with his fist]\nCongressman 3: Yeah, because you don't care about the fate of the Colonies like we do! You're all unpatriotic! And if you don't like the Colonies, then you can get out!\nDickinson: Don't you call us unpatriotic! We're protesting this war because we care so deeply for the fate of our Colonies! You are all unpatriotic for leading the Colonies into a war that half of them don't want! [the various Congressmen begin babbling with each other]\nCartman: [observing] Whoa, how very very relevant.\nScene Description: South Park, day, town square. The rally is still going on, and a reporter files the following report.\nTom: Tom, I'm standing in the town square where the war rally has been going on for an incredible eighty-seven hours. The crowd still appears to be split right down the middle - half of them support country music, and the other half rock-n-roll. Let's listen in.\nMr. Mackey: And now we'd like to bring out a couple of very special South Park students who did a report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about the war. [Stan walks up to the mic, watching the crowd on the way there. Kyle follows. The crowd claps appreciatively]\nProtesters: Booooo!!\nRandy: [steps up] For you people who still think war is the answer, perhaps you can listen to the voices ... of the children. [shows them off and backs out of the scene. The crowd applauds and quiets down]\nStan: Uh, we didn't do it.\nMr. Mackey: What?\nKyle: We didn't do our homework.\nSharon: Boys! You were supposed to come out here and tell everyone about the Founding Fathers!\nStan: Well, first we lost one study partner when Cartman put himself in the hospital, and then they took Kenny away, and then Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for Daylight Saving, so we couldn't find anything in the history books about Iraq and then-\nSkeeter: That's because the Founding Fathers would have supported the war!\nMr. Mackey: The Founding Fathers would have protested like us!\nSupporters: Support!\nProtesters: Protest!\nSupporters: Country!\nProtesters: Rock-n-roll!\nScene Description: The two sides charge at each other on stage, then off stage. They attack each other with their signs. One man drives his \"War is not my voice\" sign straight down into another man's head. A man drives his \"Bush is a Nazi\" sign up a woman's nose after she swats him with her \"Support Your Troops\" sign. A woman strikes someone else down with her \"No Blood for Oil\" sign. Stan and Kyle just look on.\nScene Description: Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument still going on.\nCongressmen: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!\nDickinson: We cannot found a country based on war!\nAdams: We cannot found a country that is afraid to fight!\nCongressman: Rabble!\nCongressmen: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble! [the doors open and in walks an august figure. The boisterous voices become hushed] Oh my, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. [they keep murmuring this as Franklin walks towards the main desk]\nCartman: Oh, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin.\nHancock: Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the war issue?\nFranklin: I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both?\nJefferson: Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and protest going to war at the same time.\nDickinson: Right. If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish, then some will support the war and some will protest it.\nFranklin: And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time, act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless.\nAdams: [holding a slice of chocolate cake] It's like having your cake, and eating it, too.\nCongressman 2: Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.\nHancock: And we will call that country the United States of America.\nCartman: Wow, I get it now! I get it! [senses his flashback coming to an end] Whoa, here it goes. I wish I could go back to my time. To my time, to, to my time.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's room. Cartman comes to and looks around.\nCartman: Wow!\nScene Description: South Park, town square. The townsfolk are still attacking each other and killing more of their number. One man kills another with a \"PEACE NOW\" sign. A war supporter runs a flag pole through a protester, then pulls it back out again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch from the other end of the square, towards the stage as the carnage continues.\nCartman: [appears on stage in his hospital gown, his hair disheveled] Everyone, stop! Please! [everyone stops and looks at him]\nTownsman: The-the child! The child, from the hospital.\nCartman: If you all don't mind, I would like to do my report now. I know what the founding fathers would say.\nStan: He does? [he and Kyle are shocked]\nKyle: He does?\nCartman: I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truly great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to. [a shot of the crowd]\nCartman: You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both. It's called \"having your cake and eating it too.\"\nRandy: He's right. The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another.\nSkeeter: Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you guys protesting, why everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the President.\nGerald: And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by terrorists or... or China.\nMr. Mackey: I guess we... owe you an apology.\nStuart: Eh-ah, I guess we owe you one.\nTownsfolk: Awww. [amid a chorus of awwws they hug each other.]\nKyle: Cartman? Cartman saved the day?\nStan: Can't be\nCartman: The Founding Fathers want you all to know that we can disagree all we want, as long as we agree that America kicks ass.\nSkeeter: Hey I'm a little bit country\nRandy: And I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH!\nScene Description: Cartman takes his mic and backs out of the scene, leaving Randy and Skeeter to sing together.\nSkeeter: I'll be the muscle of America\nRandy: And me, I'll be the caring soul.\nTogether: And when you put us together you get a nation with one goal To thrive and prosper, with a little country and rock and roll.\nSkeeter: Come on up here, everybody! [the crowd surges onto the stage. Stan and Kyle look dumbfounded]\nEverybody: We're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll\nStuart: We can be a nation that believes in war.\nMr. Mackey: And still tells the world that we don't. [moments later the back of the stage begins to rise, revealing guests from many previous episodes]\nEverybody: Let the flag for hypocrisy fly high from every pole Cuz we're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll.\nRandy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.\nSkeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people. [shown, including Halfy. Some applause is heard] And the anti-war people. [shown. Some applause is heard]\nStan: What the hell are they doing now?\nKyle: [covers his nose and shuts his eyes tight] I-I don't know.\nEverybody: For the war, against, the war, WHO CARES?? One hundred episodes!\nScene Description: Randy and Skeeter perform some nifty footwork as they finish the song.\nKyle: I hate this town. I-I really really do."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at one end of the basketball court.\nKyle: [wearing an argyle sweater] ...And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you. [cheers from the school crowd before him]\nPrincipal Victoria: [approaches the mic] Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski.\nMr. Mackey: [as Kyle approaches him] That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win. [a shot of the council, which is comprised of five Latinos. ]\nKyle: Cool.\nPrincipal Victoria: All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. [reads again in disbelief] Eric Cartman? [a smattering of applause from the kids in the crowd]\nCartman: [approaches the mic with his left hand behind his back] Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez.\nKids: Jennifer Lopez?\nKyle: No way.\nCartman: [shows off his left hand, which is open] Miss Lopez, come on out here. [the hand closes to become a fist, and that fist has a face and hair painted on it]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [Cartman begins to speak in a Spanish cartoon accent and his lips form a tiny smile as his hand begins to move] Hallooo. [the hand sports a small wig and a paper cutout of a woman's body hanging down from it. The cutout wears a white top and shorts and a heavy brown coat. The cutout's right hand sports some yellow bracelets]\nPrincipal Victoria: [taken aback] Oh, Jesus Christ.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, y burritos.\nCartman: Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Latinos and the arts?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si, si. But first I would like to put on my pretty dress.\nCartman: Oh, you mean this one? [whips out a doll's dress for the occasion]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si si si. I like it very much.\nCartman: [fits the dress under his hand] There we go, Saright?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Saright.\nCartman: That's a very pretty dress. [the Latino Endowment Council is shown again]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez!\nCartman: Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: si si. [enunciating] Hennifer Lopez!\nCartman: Nono, Jeh-\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Heh-\nCartman: Jeh-\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Heh-\nCartman: Jeh-\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Jeh-\nCartman: Jennifer Lopez.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hennifer Lopez. [members of the council laugh and clap]\nA Council Member: Hahahahaha, oh my.\nCartman: Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy.\nCartman: And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you. [Much more cheer and applause for him. The school gives him a standing ovation. The members of the Latino Endowment council jump up and down with joy and pride. Stan and Kenny clap with everyone else, Kyle is just stunned.]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the mall. Cartman leads the way.\nCartman: Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!\nKyle: It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture.\nCartman: Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle.\nKyle: No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over!\nCartman: [walks up to Kyle] Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Aww, that makes me muy triste.\nCartman: Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si si, very much.\nCartman: Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si, si si, my kisses taste like tacos. [Cartman plants his fist on Kyle's lips and makes kissing noises, then removes the hand]\nCartman: Is nice?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Is very nice. He's so handsome. [Cartman puts the hand back on Kyle's mouth and resumes the kissing noises]\nKyle: [swats Cartman's hand away]Stop it!\nCartman: Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court.\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [the boys go to the food court]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Mmm, tacos! So yummy!\nKyle: Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman!\nCartman: Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too.\nKyle: She's not eating it, it's just coming out her backside!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: When you eat a taco it comes out your backside too, cholo!\nKenny: (Heheehee, heheh yeahah)\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Look look! Make your own music video! [they stop in front of a \"U R Da Star\", a music-video shop]\nKyle: Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman!\nCartman: I agree. Those places are stupid.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: It's not stupid. I need to make music video.\nStan: [to Cartman's hand] Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand? [slaps Cartman's hand down] Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off!\nCartman: Hey, I'm on your guys' side.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [rises] Just wait one minute, let me see how much it is. [leads Cartman in. Stan and Kenny follow]\nKyle: God dammit! [follows reluctantly]\nMichael: Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: How much to make a video?\nMichael: Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape.\nCartman: Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh please! Come on, guys!\nKyle: Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!\nCartman: All right all right, here's ten dollars! [takes out the bill and hands it to the cashier]\nKyle: That's not what I meant!\nMichael: All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen. [Cartman walks over to the screen] What kind of song do you want?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Something hot and spicy.\nScene Description: The cashier puts on various music tracks, first song is a rock song.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Spicier.\nScene Description: Next is Latin song\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Spicierrr!\nScene Description: Next song is a Latin mix. This is agreeable, so the video is made.\nScene Description: \"Jennifer Lopez: Taco-Flavored Kisses\" is shown, The hand has its costume on hanging down from it.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco. Don't think that just because I got a lot of money I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey! Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses. Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.\nMichael: You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, gracias, \"Machel\"! [the cashier's tag reads \"Michael\"]\nMichael: Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see it.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias!\nKyle: Can we go now, please?!\nCartman: Yeah, I wanna leave.\nKyle: Stop it, Cartman!\nCartman: What?\nScene Description: BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive screen in an office.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.Taco taco.\nBHI President: She's fantastic. Who is she? [two men sit on a sofa, one sits on an armchair]\nAide 1: [with brown hair] Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez.\nAide 2: [in armchair] That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo.\nBHI President: Yeah, but she's younger and spicier.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.\nAide 2: I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl.\nBHI President: No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he answers it.\nCartman: Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez. [hands the phone to \"her\"]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, si si siiih. Allo!\nCartman: What do they want?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [looks at Cartman] Just a second, I'm trying to hear.\nCartman: S'awright?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: S'awright. [returns to \"her\" call] Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh. [gasps and screams \"her\" head off]\nCartman: What? What?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh my God I can't believe it!!!\nCartman: [puts the phone to his ear] Hello, are you still there?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: They want to sign me to the record company!\nCartman: You want to sign Ms. Lopez?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh my God, it's happening for me!\nCartman: Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!! [hangs up and grins] We're gonna be rich!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: We're gonna be famose!\nCartman: Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs! [runs off]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on a notepad.\nCartman: There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, si si siiih.\nCartman: [scoots back to his bedside lamp and turns it off, then settles under the covers] Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. [rubs off her open eyes and paints some closed lids on his hand.]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy.\nCartman: Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow... [begins to dream of taunting Kyle] Tomorrow...\nScene Description: His dream begins at the bus stop\nCartman: \"Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!\" [in class, sitting next to each other] \"You were wrong, Kyle!\" [in the cafeteria, as Kyle walks by with his lunch] \"Nananananaaana!\" [on the bus ride home] \"Hahahahahaaaha!\" [images of Kyle come forth, crying] \"Nananananaaana!\" \"Hahahahahaaaha!\" [in his sleep] Awesommme. Yeeessss.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [has dreams of its own] Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh.\nScene Description: An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls up and a hand floats out of it.\nMan 1: Ms. Lopez! Up here!\nMan 2: Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!\nMan 3: Jennifer, over here.\nMan 4: Jennifer!\nScene Description: A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears as just a hand, floating over the stage floor.\nFemale fan: [stageside] We love you Jennifer! [roses land onstage. Shots of three magazines follow.]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [back to Cartman's room] Aaahhhh.\nScene Description: BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are in a meeting when he looks up.\nBHI President: Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in.\nJennifer Lopez: [carrying a toy poodle takes a seat and removes her glasses] Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five.\nBHI President: Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopez, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label.\nJennifer Lopez: What? Oh no you di'n't!\nAide 1: We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ...\"talent\".\nJennifer Lopez: [pounds her table] You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?!\nBHI President: Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records.\nJennifer Lopez: Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where is she come from?!\nAide 1: Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.\nJennifer Lopez: I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican!\nBHI President: Whatever. Look, it's nothing personal, we just think you need to move on.\nAide 2: Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous.\nScene Description: A limousine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, behind the driver.\nReporter: And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck.\nBen: [sitting at the other end of the passenger cabin] Huhuhuh, that's me. [a door opens opposite him and J-Lo enters] How'd it go, baby?\nJennifer Lopez: Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez! [her dog begins to bark] Shut up! [a few more barks and she tosses it out the window.]\nBen: What?? Who could replace you??\nJennifer Lopez: [tries to get the driver's attention] Yo driver. Stupid driver!\nDriver: [looks back] Yes, ma'am. Where to?\nJennifer Lopez: Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window.\nCartman: [runs up] Hey everybody! Listen up! I've got something to tell Kyle! [Slience.]\nKyle: [decide to answer] ...What?\nCartman: [approaches him] Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!\nStan: What are you gloating about?\nCartman: Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a record company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to record an album next week.\nKids in Class: Wow, really?\nKyle: No!\nCartman: [a slight gloat arises] Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. [nods to his hand] And famous.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals.\nButters: [pipes up and turns to the class] Hey, a big limousine just pulled up in front of the school!\nMr. Garrison: Butters, will you pay attention, please?\nButters: Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!\nCartman: Jennifer Lopez?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Yes?\nButters: Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too!\nA boy: Wow, cool! [the kids leave their seats and head for the window]\nMr. Garrison: Will you kids shut up? [puts his book away and walks to the window] Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. [the limo has pulled up. Jennifer and Ben climb out of the limo and the driver directs them to the office.]\nMr. Slave: Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?\nMr. Garrison: Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside! [rushes out and the cheering class and Mr. Slave follow]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and all of the school comes out to see for itself.\nPrincipal Victoria: Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?\nMr. Mackey: Here she comes! Here she comes!\nJennifer Lopez: Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?!\nPrincipal Victoria: [Mr. Adler takes a picture] J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids?\nJennifer Lopez: [begins pacing] No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck! [reaches the other end of the crowd] So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again! [walks away]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [a few seconds later...] You can suck my culo, chica! [Cartman looks up, stunned, as Jennifer Lopez returns to the crowd]\nJennifer Lopez: [looks around] Who was that?! [all the kids back away from Cartman while pointing at him] You go' a problem?!\nCartman: Not me!\nJennifer Lopez: Then who? [Cartman brings out his hand and points to it with the other]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hola, bitchola! [Cartman is looking ever more fearful]\nJennifer Lopez: What the hell is that?!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.\nJennifer Lopez: That? That's what replaced me?!\nCartman: I'm sure it was just a mistake.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Only mistake was when this ghetto trash got signed in the first place!\nCartman: Shut your God-damned mouth!\nJennifer Lopez: [picks Cartman up by the scruff of his jacket] You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?!\nCartman: Nobody!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, and burritos!\nJennifer Lopez: Fuck you! [begins to assault Cartman's hand]\nCartman: Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop!\nJennifer Lopez: You'd better stop!\nCartman: I will!\nBen: [walks up to join Jennifer] Come on, Jenny, let's go.\nBebe: Wow, Ben Affleck.\nBen: We should be getting back to the... [something grabs his attention. Cartman looks away. Ben begins to fall for this new Jennifer Lopez]\nJennifer Lopez: Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny!\nScene Description: She drags him off, but he glances back at the new Jennifer Lopez. He follows the original Lopez into the limousine, looking back one more time. As the limo leaves, Ben looks back one more time with his hands up against the glass as if blowing a kiss. The crowd then disperses.\nKyle: Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson.\nCartman: Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now.\nKyle: Good.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [rises once more] Or maybe I shou-ould.\nKyle: Aw, God-dammit!\nCartman: Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ohsisisi, senor.\nKyle: That does it. I'm out. [walks off]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come give me kisses!\nScene Description: Music Lab Recording Studios, night.\nAide 1: All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top. [music begins. Cartman is on a stool with his puppet at his side.]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Baby let's make a run for the border, I've got a hunger only tacos can stop. I know exactly what I'll order Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.\nBHI President: Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I need to make a run for the border, If you pay I'll take off my top. Do you remember what I want to order? Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop. Yeah-eah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't think just because I got money I won't still give you taco-flavored kisses, honey. I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses-\nCartman: What the hell are you doing?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I'm practicing my dancinngg!\nCartman: Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Dancing!\nCartman: Sleep!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Dancing!\nCartman: [slowly, whiney] Sleep!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [slowly, invitingly] Dancing!\nCartman: Moooommm! [Cartman's mother enters the room]\nLiane: What's the matter, sweetie?\nCartman: Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door.\nCartman: [real tired] He-yesss.\nBen: Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez.\nCartman: [hides his left hand] She's not here right now.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [muffled] Ben? Is that my darling Ben?\nBen: Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her! [Cartman sighs deeply, then shows his hand to Ben]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ben!!! Oh, you brought me roses!\nBen: Jenny, ah Jenny I just can't stop thinking about you. [lowers the bouquet to Cartman, who takes it away angrily]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!\nBen: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I know, my darleeeng. That's okay.\nBen: Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, I would LOVE to!\nCartman: NO!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: 'Scuse me one second, Ben. [whips towards Cartman] Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?!\nCartman: I'm not going out in his car.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I'm not gonna let you blow this one chance I have.\nCartman: I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework. [Ben stars picking his nose]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't you dare [becomes unintelligible]\nCartman: I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Okay, Ben, let's go!\nScene Description: A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze blowing through my hair in your sexy automobile.\nBen: Let's spend the whole day together!\nScene Description: A soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where \"Jennifer Lopez\" and Ben run side by side. Cartman looks tired. Next is a restaurant where Ben has some wine while \"Jennifer Lopez\" enjoys a martini. Next scene, they're watching a movie together. \"Jennifer Lopez\" has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts his hand on the headrest behind \"Jennifer Lopez\". Cartman looks, then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where Ben picks out some earrings for \"Jennifer Lopez\". \"Jennifer Lopez\" opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with \"Jennifer Lopez\". Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover photos taken of Ben and \"Jennifer Lopez\", which end up on The National Inquisition.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about... Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more. I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about... Tacos...\nBen: Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! [Cartman looks away in disgust] But...\nBen: But what?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass?\nBen: [pulls off to the side, with South Park in view.] I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here. [strokes the top of Cartman's hand]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben. Beennn.\nBen: Jenny, can I kiss you?\nCartman: [reacts] NO!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! [Cartman looks in wonder as his hand gets a mind of its own]\nCartman: Aw, God dammit! [looks away in disgust once more. Ben begins to give French kisses to \"Jennifer Lopez\" and the hand responds] Aww- awww, dude!\nBen: Mmm, just like tacos.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben.\nBen: You're so hot, baby.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I make you hot, Ben?\nBen: Mm, yeah. [grabs the hand and kisses it for a while, then lets go. The hand drops down into Ben's pants] Oh, Jenny. [the zipper goes down on his pants] Oh Jenny! [\"Jennifer Lopez\" bobs up and down]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [pops up to say] Ben... [drops down again]\nBen: Oh God, Jenny!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, Ben, I adore you! [Cartman looks at Ben's actions, then at what his hand is doing...]\nCartman: OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! [opens his door, hops out, and walks away] WE'RE LEAVING NOW!!\nBen: But I love her!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ben!\nBen: Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I love you, Ben!\nScene Description: Music Lab Recording Studio, night. \"Jennifer Lopez\" is recording new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his hand belts out new tunes.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos? Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood. Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh- stop. Stop, stop. STOP!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [the band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings \"her\" a bottle of water. \"Jennifer Lopez\" knocks it onto the floor] Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?\nAide 2: Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Fine my ass, cholo! [Cartman wakes up and looks at his hand] I'll tell you when it's fine!\nScene Description: Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits and goes down three steps.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to make an album with those cholos?! [a bat hits a car nearby]\nJennifer Lopez: [stands next to the car she just bashed] You little snot-nose! [Cartman is taken aback] You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?! [holds up the tabloid shown earlier]\nCartman: Aww crap.\nJennifer Lopez: You'd better stay away from him! [begins whacking away at Cartman's hand]\nCartman: OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand.\nDr. Doctor: Your son's hand has a hairline fracture and two dislocated fingers.\nLiane: Oh dear.\nDr. Doctor: But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [on its own hospital bed, with wires attached] Ahhh Ahhhh [Cartman sits in a chair displeased]\nCartman: I told you this would happen. [Kyle, Stan and Kenny show up.]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, hello guys.\nKyle: Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee?\nCartman: Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck.\nKyle: I hate you. [turns right and walks out]\nLiane: Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches and wakes up, then glances to his left.\nCartman: EHAGH! [next to him is Ben Affleck, naked and relaxed] Moooooommmm! [Ben wakes up]\nLiane: [enters with a cup of coffee and wearing a pink robe] What is it, sweetie?\nCartman: Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!\nLiane: Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with you.[backs out of the room and closes the door.]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Buenos dias, my love.\nBen: Good morning, baby.\nCartman: You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were up all night making love.\nCartman: What? Oh- AWWW! [wipes his hand off on his pajamas] Ben Affleck's spooge!!\nBen: Should we tell him the news?\nCartman: What news?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I think we should tell him.\nBen: It's S'aright?\nCartman: S'aright.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: S'aright.\nBen: We're getting married!!\nCartman: Oh, balls!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. The doorbell rings.\nKyle: Come in. [the bell rings again.] COME IN!! [Cartman enters wearing an oven mitt over his left hand.]\nCartman: [sad] Guys, I need to talk to you.\nStan: What's the matter?\nCartman: I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez.\nKyle: So stop doing it!\nCartman: Stop doing what?\nKyle: You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here!\nCartman: Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See? [removes the oven mitt and \"Jennifer Lopez\" emerges coughing]\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't you dare ever do that to me again!\nKyle: Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand doesn't need to breathe!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: You try being in an oven mitt for two hours!\nKyle: I can see your lips moving!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: I can see your lips moving too, culo!\nKyle: See?! I just saw your lips move!\nCartman: Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.\nStan: What's she doing?\nKyle: Come here! [drags Stan off to the dining room] You're not actually buying this crap, are you?!\nStan: I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.\nKyle: Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, [Kyle does a pretty solid impression of Cartman] \"Haha, I got you guys to believe me!\" \"You guys are stupid!\"\nStan: Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us look dumb?\nKyle: YES, dude! [they then walk back into the living room]\nStan: Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you.\nCartman: Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh no you don't!\nCartman: Quiet, Ms. Lopez.\nKyle: Out! [walks off. Stan and Kenny follow him out]\nCartman: Guys... Uh... Uh... [dejected, he turns away and walks out the front door]\nScene Description: Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something.\nBen: There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby! [Cartman decides to run in the other direction] Jenny? [Cartman sees a car pull up in front of him and then...]\nAide 1: Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on! [Cartman decides to ran back towards Ben, but runs into a pair of female legs]\nJennifer Lopez: [disheveled, wielding a running chainsaw over her head] So you're gettin' married, huh? [revs up the motor, and Cartman makes his escape, screaming. In the background, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have stepped out the door to see what's going on.]\nBen: Don't you hurt her!\nBHI President: We'll sue you!\nKyle: Oh Jesus.\nScene Description: A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers draw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable.\nPolice Officer 1: Freeze, leafblower! [she drops the chainsaw and holds her hands up]\nAide 1: Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists! [the arrest is made]\nPolice Officer 2: All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath.\nBen: [rushes up to \"Jennifer Lopez\"] Jenny! Oh, I thought I was going to lose you! Let's run away and get married tonight!\nAide 2: Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive]\nBen: Our love is like rain!\nJennifer Lopez: That's what you said about me, asshole!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Quiet!\nBHI President: Get her out of here!\nJennifer Lopez: Fuck you!\nPolice Officer 2: Shut up, picante pants!\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: Everyone be quiet! [Everyone stops what they're doing and look at the hand] I'm... I'm not who you think I am.\nBHI President: You're not?\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am... [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his hand and delivers a new voice] ...Mitch Conner. [everyone, including Kyle, gasps]\nPolice Officer 2: Who's Mitch Conner?\nMitch Conner: Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of runnin'.\nKyle: [exasperated] Oh no, no, no.\nMitch Conner: I've been a cheat all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time.\nKyle: Stop. It.\nMitch Conner: Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. [Ben begins to sob. Cartman walks to one side of the bridge] But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream? [as the sun drops below the horizon, Cartman opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard. Whatever was possessing the hand parted. Ben sobs once more as Cartman just stares in wonder]\nPolice Officer 2: Well, looks like Mitch Conner has cashed in his last chips. [everyone disperses except the boys. Ben stays on for a second, but he too leaves.]\nKyle: [the boys step forward] Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner?\nCartman: I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?\nKyle: [resigns] All right. [Cartman beams] All right, I guess it's possible.\nCartman: [dances back to the other three boys] Hahahahahaaaha! [into Kyle's face] I got you kinda! I got you kinda!\nScene Description: A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar.\nManager: Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce will go on. [a man carrying a large bowl walks up behind Lopez and bumps into her]\nJennifer Lopez: [jumping to one side] Ow. Look out, muffinhead!\nManager: Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people.\nJennifer Lopez: Get a what with who?\nManager: Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later?\nJennifer Lopez: [begins chopping the onions] This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies!\nCoworker: Yeah. Meee too.\nCartman as Jennifer Lopez: [as credits roll] Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about... Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more. I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about... Tacos..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park neighborhood, day. The boys walk up to Butters' house. Stan knocks on the door. The door opens and Butters' father looks out.\nChris: Yes? [looks down] Oh, hello, boys.\nCartman: Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives. We're wondering if you have any crimes to be solved, for a dollar.\nChris: Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now.\nKyle: Awww, shit!\nStan: All right, sir, well, please call us if you need anything. [offers up a business card]\nChris: I'll do that. Have fun, boys. [steps back and closes the door. The boys turn and walk away]\nCartman: Stupid assholes! [turns and follows] How come nobody has a crime to solve?\nKyle: Yeah, maybe starting a detective club isn't such a great idea.\nStan: It's a great idea, we just have to keep working at it. [moments later they reach a pink house and Stan knocks again. The door opens and an elderly woman looks out]\nMrs. Farnickle: Oh, hello there boys.\nStan: Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit. Do you have any crimes you need solved, for a dollar?\nMrs. Farnickle: Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well let me thi-oh yes! There is something!\nKyle: Really?\nMrs. Farnickle: Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked cherry pie out on my window sill to cool. [Stan and Kyle look over at the window] And later, when I went to get it, it was gone.\nCartman: My God...\nStan: Have you reported this to any other authorities?\nMrs. Farnickle: Noo, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids.\nKyle: Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am.\nStan: We're on the case.\nScene Description: Mrs. Farnickle's house, backyard.\nCartman: What have you got, Marsh?\nStan: Detective McCormick found something interesting. [a shot of Kenny, who just raises his arm and point to his right. The camera pans to Duke, the house pet, licking off the last of the pie]\nCartman: [puts a hand on Kyle, looks away and closes his eyes] Jesus, we're too late.\nKyle: I think we can piece this case together now.\nScene Description: Mrs. Farnickle's house, living room. She and her husband sit back in arm chairs looking at news. The door opens and the boys rush in with the pie tin.\nMrs. Farnickle: My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened to the pie?\nKyle: Well, we've all talked it through and we've come up with a theory.\nMr. Farnickle: Well, what do you think happened, little detectives?\nStan: You said you set the pie in the window sill, where it must have sat for some time. [the scenario shows Mrs. Farnickle setting the pie on the sill, closing the windows and walking away] But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody. [Mr. Farnickle shows up at the kitchen window, looking at the pie from inside the kitchen]\nKyle: Your husband. [he looks closer at it, putting his hands on the window] He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet.\nCartman: Slowly the rage built inside his mind. [Mr. Farnickle is shown in bed, getting angry. Dramatic lighting enhances the mood] \"Why won't she let me eat that pie? Why does she always stop me from doing what I wanna do?!\" His only solution became obvious: Kill her!\nStan: His plan was to use a hammer.\nCartman: Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing instant death. [the scenario shows Mr. Farnickle walking up behind his wife as she dusts the TV and whacking her three times, killing her and fracturing her skull]\nStan: Then to make it impossible for police to identify the body, he'd use a shovel to remove your head. [the man plunges the shovel through the woman's neck and cleaves the head from the body. Blood pours out and stains the carpet]\nKyle: Then saw off the arms and legs. [shown in all its graphic glory]\nCartman: The torso he would dump into the lake. [Mr. Farnickle tosses his wife's torso over the side of his boat, then watches as the torso heads for the lake bottom]\nStan: The arms and legs he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub. [the man is shown tossing the second leg into the tub, then stirring the solution so that the leg would sink in and disappear]\nCartman: And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie.\nKyle: But before he could go through with his entire plan, he discovered that the pie had already been eaten... [a new scenario: the man now has the hammer, but the pie is gone when he checks up on it] ...by your dog. [a shot of Duke eating the pie in his doghouse]\nCartman: Looks like the game is over, old man! [the surprised couple looks at them]\nMrs. Farnickle: Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching??\nStan: Just the news.\nMrs. Farnickle: All right, all right, you you boys run along now.\nStan: [stays behind] Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady.\nMrs. Farnickle: Fine, here, just go! [gives him the dollar, and he joins the others outside]\nStan: Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar! [shows off a crisp new one-dollar bill]\nKyle: We're in business!\nScene Description: A basement, some time later. The dollar bill is newly framed and hung on a wall in ... Cartman's basement, which is now the South Park Detectives headquarters. Pictures of suspects are on the wall below the framed dollar, a chalkboard has some instructions listed, and some suspects already interviewed are listed on the wall beneath the stairs. Kyle puts a file away in a filing cabinet as the other boys do other tasks.\nCartman: Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp in Washington.\nLiane: Boys, you have a little visitor. [a little girl descends the stairs past Liane]\nGirl: Is this the South Park Crime Unit?\nThe boys: Ah! Oh. [they jump up and leave their tasks to meet their first client]\nStan: Yes it is!\nGirl: I lost my dolly.\nCartman: [waving his mom off] Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will be all. [Liane goes upstairs. Cartman looks up] And get us some more cookies and coffee! We're not paying you to sit on your ass!\nKyle: Do you know where your doll is?\nGirl: If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost.\nStan: All right, Sarah, come over here. [everyone moves over to Kenny's desk. Sarah hops up on the witness chair] Now, I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny.\nSarah: [Kenny begins to draw as she talks] She has curly blonde hair. And a wed dress. And a turned-up nose. And a blue bow in her hair.\nStan: You got it, Ken? [Kenny finishes and nods]\nKyle: All right, let's see. [Kenny turns the paper around and shows off a crudely-drawn woman with huge, olive-shaped boobs] Dammit Kenny, that's not what she said!\nStan: Put that away, dude! [Kenny walks up to a small bulletin board of KeNnY'S mOST WANtED women, all of which have large boobs]\nCartman: Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll.\nScene Description: Sarah's house, day. The boys swarm into the girl's bedroom and check out all the possibilities.\nCartman: No sign of forced entry.\nKyle: [at the window] But the window isn't locked.\nStan: [turns to address Cartman] Right, so it's possible that the thief sat out in that tree. [the scenario begins. A view into the bedroom from the tree at night] He would have watched Sarah with her doll, possibly while cutting the palms of his hands with a large knife. [a hand appears, then the opposite hand with a knife. The knife cuts the first hand as Sarah drops her doll on the bedroom floor] The pain gave him sick pleasure.\nKyle: Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy. He would have had to have brought a shovel to decapitate it.\nCartman: We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room.\nScene Description: As they pause, another group of boys swarm in and start their own investigation.\nA Boy: All right, let's do this by the books! McDonnell, [one boy steps forward] give me smears of all the places the doll used to be! [goes off to get samples] Mitchell, [another boy steps forward] run a tap on the phone! [goes off to tap the phone]\nStan: [approaches the boy] Hey, kid, what are you doing?\nThe Boy: Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?\nStan: Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this investigation!\nTucker: ...Not anymore, you're not!\nCartman: Hey, this is our case! You can't come in and take over!\nTucker: Can't we? You guys are playing Detectives. We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction over you!\nStan: Aw crap!\nTucker: I want choppers on the roof ready to go! [one of his friends goes to the window, the other two head out of the room]\nKyle: Dude, we've been working this case since two-thirty!\nTucker: Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know.\nScene Description: Sarah's house, afternoon, outside. The boys have been kicked out by the FBI boys and head for the sidewalk.\nStan: Son of a bitch stupid FBI!\nCartman: Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat.\nStan: No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives! We've just gotta find that little girl's doll before those FBI guys do.\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nKyle: Yeah, but how?\nStan: We're gonna have to just start bringing in people for questioning.\nCartman: Right. I think I know exactly where to start.\nScene Description: Cartman's basement, later. The boys have called Butters in and he's confused, being under the spotlight.\nCartman: [thinks hard of how to start the interrogation] Where were you this morning at nine o'clock, Butters?!\nButters: Ah, I was at home.\nCartman: Your story is full of holes and I'm gonna beat your ass if you don't start tellin' the truth! [behind him, Stan and Kyle watch from a makeshift booth]\nKenny: [patting Butters' shoulder] (Awww, don't be so mean. Butters is our friend, huh?) [Butters smiles]\nStan: [behind the booth] They've gotten really good at this good-cop bad-cop thing.\nCartman: You're going down, Butters! You hear me?!\nKenny: (Aw, now don't say that. Poor little kid.)\nCartman: You're a worthless two-dollar criminal and you're lying!\nKenny: (Aww, it's okay, little fella.)\nButters: Well I don't have nothin' to confess. Honestly.\nCartman: Fine! Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample. [holds out a cup for Butters to take]\nButters: How do I do that?\nCartman: You just make the semen come out of your body and put it in this cup!\nButters: Well how do I make semen... come out of my body?\nCartman: Stop playing games!\nButters: I'm not playing. I really don't know!\nCartman: That does it! Wait right here! [goes behind the booth and laughs] Guys, did you hear that? Butters doesn't know how you make semen come out of your body.\nKyle: How... do you make semen come out?\nCartman: I don't know. I was hoping you guys did.\nStan: It's that thing we learned about in school where you pull on your wiener until white stuff comes out.\nCartman: Really?\nKyle: Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull and master-benate your wiener really fast.\nCartman: Oh okay. [returns to the table] Okay, retard, you really don't know how to make semen come out?!\nButters: No!\nCartman: Follow me to the bathroom. [goes upstairs]\nKenny: [soothing] (Aw, it's okay, kid. It's not going to hurt.) [Butters hops off the chair and follows Cartman upstairs]\nScene Description: The Cartman hallway. Cartman takes Butters to the restroom.\nCartman: Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your wiener until white stuff comes out, and then put it in this cup.\nButters: My wiener??\nCartman: Yes, retard. Semen comes from your wiener. Now do it! [Butters grabs the door handle and shuts the door. Cartman waits for a few second before doing anything] Well, Butters?!\nButters: Ah I'm pullin' on my wiener, but nothin's happening.\nCartman: Well pull harder!\nButters: ...ow... Ow... It's not workin'.\nCartman: Try doin' it faster.\nButters: [increasing the speed] Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Naw, nothin'.\nCartman: Butters, do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your life?!\nButters: NOOooo!\nCartman: The you'd better get that semen sample no matter how long it takes!\nButters: Okay!!\nStan: [rushing up with Kyle and Kenny] Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house!\nCartman: Let's go! [They leave. Butters remains in the bathroom]\nButters: ...ow... Ow!\nScene Description: Fosse's house, a nice rambling house. Cartman approaches the front door as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand off to one side. He turns and places his back against the wall, then sneaks up to a window. He looks in just a bit. Inside, Fosse plays with a doll... red dress, turned-up nose, blonde curly hair with two blue bows attached... just as Sarah had described. The two boys giggle as they play.\nFosse: Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me and Doctor... Flick here just need to... check your vagina. [pulls up the front of the doll's dress and giggles with Bill]\nBill: That's gay. [giggles with Fosse]\nFosse: Yeah, that's gay. [Cartman looks in intently. He then turns his back against the wall and backs away with his water pistol drawn]\nCartman: [in hushed tones] Kyle!\nScene Description: Kyle looks on as Cartman starts signing to him. Cartman holds up his index finger and shows the fleshy side to Kyle, then points two fingers to his own eyeballs, then turns the fingers out and shows them, then motions inside with his thumb, then makes a grabbing gesture, then something like a fist, then a thumbs-up, then a fist turned out, then points to Kyle, then points again, then taps the side of his own head, then makes a J sign on his head, then rests.\nKyle: What? [Cartman repeats the gestures again] What??\nCartman: [repeats the gestures] I see two guys inside. They have Sarah Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew!\nKyle: [gasps, then with determination, in hushed tones] They've got the doll! [he, Stan, and Kenny move in and the four boys take positions around the door. Kyle stands at the door, Cartman and Kenny on either side, Stan at Kyle's back]\nStan: [in hushed tones] Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down! [Kenny turns and rings the bell. Inside, Bill and Fosse stop their play and go to the door]\nFosse: Huh huh who is it?!\nStan: South Park Junior Detectives! We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll!\nFosse: [giggles] They're playing Detective. [they giggle]\nBill: That's gay. [they giggle]\nFosse: [calls out] You're gay! [outside, the boys lower their guns.]\nKyle: What do we do now?\nStan: I don't know.\nCartman: Well if they're not gonna give us back the doll, then we have no choice. Let's go tell on them. [hops down from the porch and walks away]\nStan: Dude, we just can't tell on them.\nCartman: Why not?\nKyle: Because, dude, we're playing detectives! Detectives don't just go tell on people.\nFosse: [from inside] Detectives! [Cartman returns, and the camera angle switches to the living room. Bill and Fosse have made the doll a hostage, having tied her up on a chair. Fosse continues, giggling] If you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off!\nBill: Yeah.\nFosse: We were playing gynecologists and now we're playing criminals.\nBill: That's gay.\nFosse: We're gay.\nStan: Jesus! They're gonna kill her!\nKyle: We've got to do something.\nCartman: Time! Time is what we need, but time is something we ain't got!\nTucker: [offscreen] Attention! You in the house! [the other kids are shown, with their own little car] This is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have you surrounded. Sort of.\nStan: [he and the others approach the FBI kids] Hey, you butt-holes can't play FBI here!\nCartman: Yeah! This was our hot lead!\nTucker: And you did a great job leading us here. Now you just stay out of our way! [into the megaphone] The gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll! Or we'll tell on you!\nStan: We're gonna charge the front door and go get it.\nTucker: No you're not.\nCartman: Dammit man, this is not the time for negotiations! There's a little doll in there about to have her head twisted off!\nTucker: Climb off, kid! We say you can't charge the front door, and you have to obey what the FBI says! That's the rules!\nStan: Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us!\nTucker: Yes it does so! [a long pause]\nKyle: ...Grrrr!!! [the boys turn and walk away]\nKenny: (What do we do now?)\nStan: We go get the doll ourselves.\nKyle: But they said we can't charge the front door.\nStan: That's right. [cocks his left hand] But they didn't say anything about going in the back.\nTucker: Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that doll.\nBill: Huhuh. [notices the SP boys coming in] Oh crap, they're coming in the back! [the shootout begins. The boys fan out and make firing noises as they aim at Bill and Fosse. Bill and Fosse return fire with their own noises] That's gay. [he and Fosse hide behind an armchair]\nStan: [pops up from the couch and fires away, using the back of the couch as a shield] Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse!\nFosse: No you didn't!\nStan: Did so!\nFosse: No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor on.\nKyle: We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, ass-face!\nCartman: All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm going slo-mo! [moves out from behind the couch, shooting slowly but walking normally] Wwwaaahhh!\nFosse: [makes sweeping gestures with his hands] Oooh, they got me! [falls a bit further with each] Whooaaa, whooaaa, whooaaa. [now fully stretched on the floor, closes his eyes as if dead]\nBill: [follows suit] rr uh rr uh, uhhhh. [makes like he's dead]\nFosse: [opens his eyes and giggles] We're dead.\nBill: [opens his eyes and giggles] That's gay.\nStan: [getting the doll after he, Kyle and Kenny approach the chair] We got it.\nScene Description: Sarah's house, later. Stan and the boys walk up to the house again. Stan knocks on the door, and Sarah's mother answers.\nStan: Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?\nSarah: [appears at the doorway and lights up as she runs for her doll] My dolly! [gets it and holds it tight]\nCartman: We got her back safe. Lost a lot of good men in the process.\nSarah's Mom: Well you boys are little heroes. I'm going to call the police department and let them know what brave little detectives you are! [the boys smile proudly]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. This building is much bigger than the building Barbrady upholds the law from in South Park.\nDawson: Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County Police. I heard you did a great job finding Sarah Peterson's doll.\nStan: We do what we can, sir.\nDawson: Well, that's fantastic, kids. And for all your terrific sleuth-solving, I'm hereby making you all Junior Detectives. [hands out badges]\nKyle: [Kyle opens his] Wow! [the others have similar reactions]\nDawson: That means you boys are now an official part of the department.\nCartman: Kewl!\nDawson: All right, so ready for your first assignment?\nStan: Sure.\nDawson: Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567 Mala Vista. The operators are probably armed to the hilt with illegal weapons. I want you to get down there and see what you can find!\nKyle: Ah... a a a meth lab?\nDawson: [sits at his desk] I don't want any problems. Just take 'em down by the books. Now get over there; the mayor's all over my ass on this one! [the boys turn to leave] On, and deputies: you screw this up and I'll have you working graveyard shift behind a desk! Move it! [the boys run off]\nScene Description: Nighttime in the boondocks. The boys walk along a barren stretch of road.\nKyle: What is a meth lab, anyway?\nStan: I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I wanna get home in time to watch Crime Drama. [they turn and walk towards a large building in the distance]\nScene Description: The meth lab. Three men sit around a table as a fourth man works behind them. The junior detectives approach the front door. Stan knocks. The men inside quickly arm themselves.\nStan: Uh police. Open up. ...Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework?\nKyle: Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it. [windows begin breaking as shots are fired at the boys]\nMan 1: You die, pigs! [gunfire continues breaking windows] You want to die, huh? [loses control of the gun, which causes a bullet to ricochet and hit some flammable liquids. A fire erupts and begins to spread, torching one of the man's friends. The burning friend breaks through the front door and runs out. The first man and another man hop into a truck and break through the garage door. The passenger pulls out his gun]\nMan 3: You won't take us alive! [their truck hits a ramp and goes into the air, twisting to the left and ending up in the middle of a road. Another truck arrives and its driver honks his horn. The oncoming truck strikes the disabled truck and pushes it along. At a nearby intersection, a car strikes the disabled truck and that truck blows up. Three burning people get out of the truck and run around. The fourth man in the meth lab flies a plane]\nMan 4: So long, coppers! [his fuel level hits empty] Oh, shit! [the plane goes straight down and hits the post office and another building. More burning people run around, and the boys can barely believe what they're seeing]\nStan: Damn.\nScene Description: Park County Police Dept., Dawson's office, later that night. He reads the police report and paces behind his desk.\nDawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle worth sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office AND a coffee shop valued at sixty thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!\nStan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the-\nDawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the Fourth Grade, but here we have rules! Jesus, we don't even have guys to question now, because you killed them all!\nKyle: We're sorry.\nDawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!\nScene Description: Park County Police Dept., locker room. Three men are changing clothes, so they're all in their briefs. The boys enter.\nOfficer 1: Well well well, if it isn't the super-cops. [the officers begin to giggle]\nOfficer 2: Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?\nOfficer 4: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.\nMurphy: [Officer 1] Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] Soho, tell us, rookies, you ah... find yourself a little bonus in that house??\nCartman: Uh bonus?\nMurphy: Come on! We all skim a little off the top. Oh. Or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] You think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?\nStan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.\nMurphy: LOOK, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?\nOfficer 2: Yeah! Who the hell are you to change that?!\nHopkins: I said, back off Murphy!\nMurphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us\nOfficer 2: That's right. Come on, bring it!\nOfficer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!\nDawson: What the hell is the problem here??\nMurphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.\nDawson: Then hit the showers, all of you!\nScene Description: The shower room, moments later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are taking their showers. Kyle drops his soap to fart, then picks it up again. Cartman works on his hair.\nKyle: Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore.\nCartman: Me neither.\nStan: It'll get better, guys.\nKyle: Better how, dude?\nStan: [puts his soap away] Look, we said we wanted to form a club to protect and serve South Park. We put all this time into it, I mean... What do you guys wanna do, huh? Go back to playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat Owners?\nKyle: We were happy playing Laundromat Owners.\nStan: I wasn't. We started playing Detective because we wanted our play time to mean something. Or have you forgotten why you joined the force, Kyle?\nCartman: [intervening] Hey! Broflovski's a good cop!\nStan: You guys can go back to playing Laundromat Owners if you want, but... I'm not gonna give those kids playing the FBI a chance to laugh at us. I'll see you guys at school tomorrow.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. His door opens, and a tired Cartman walks in.\nCartman: Awwwwrrr-auugh. [hangs up his coat and holster on the coat tree in the living room]\nLiane: Eric, where have you been? It's ten thirty.\nCartman: We had to take down a meth lab on Mala Vista.\nLiane: Well you should've called Mommy.\nCartman: [turns and snaps at her] Will you get off my back?! It's hard enough I gotta work the beat, and now I gotta come home to your nagging?! [realizes what he's doing, then turns away] Look look, I'm I'm sorry. It's just this case, and... the guys down at the station, I... I'm tired, alright? I'm I'm tired.\nLiane: Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' night-night, and I'll bring you some toasty chocolate nummers?\nCartman: [straightens up and smiles] Okay. [turns and walks off to bed. He passes by the bathroom. Butters is still in there]\nButters: Who-o-o-o-a. Oowwww!\nCartman: [stops] Butters?\nButters: Yes?\nCartman: Are you still trying to give a semen sample?\nButters: Well I'm tryin', but nothing's comin' out.\nCartman: Well, keep tryin', Butters.\nButters: Okay. [Cartman walks off] Ow. Ooww!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in class, sleeping. As Butters was at home at 9 am the previous day, this day is Monday.\nMr. Garrison: And so you can see, children, that the women's movement of the late fifties and the early sixties had a profound effect on feminism in America. [turns around and quickly notices the sleeping boys] Uh, boys! [the boys stir and wake up] Would it trouble you terribly not to sleep in my class?\nKyle: Uh we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: Oh well, then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties!\nCartman: [thinks] A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?\nMr. Garrison: Right, but who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?! [the boys look at each other, confused and afraid] That's what I thought! Now pay attention! [turns back to the board] Okay, children, now, the biggest skank of all was was an old fat-ass by the name of-\nDawson: [bursting through the classroom door] Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman! In my office! [leaves]\nThe boys: [hanging their heads] Eeagh!\nScene Description: Park County Police Department, later. The boys walk in sleepily. Dawson holds a file in his right hand.\nDawson: Looks like that meth lab you took down was the tip of the iceberg. They found a paper trail leading all the way to the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.\nCartman: Uh oh...\nDawson: The operators apparently run their business out of a sleazy strip joint down in Inglewood. They're all cop killers, so I'm sending you in undercover. [the boys look at each other]\nKyle: Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework to do tonight and I was-\nDawson: What?! Now you listen to me! I'm givin' you one last chance! You're good cops, but you let your emotions get in the way! And your little \"shoot first ask questions later\" technique has no place in this century! Now you get down to that strip joint and you do it by the books, you got it?! The mayor is on my ass and blablablah! [the boys turn left and walk off. As they head for the entrance they walk down the hall. Around one corner are two of the officers they met in the locker room]\nMurphy: So, what did you boys have to say to the lieutenant?\nStan: Nothing, he just told us a bunch of stuff.\nMurphy: Maybe you decided you needed to tell him about our... bonus money.\nKyle: No. [the boys walk away]\nOfficer 2: They're lying.\nMurphy: They're dead!\nScene Description: Inglewood, Colorado, night. A big city. The strip club shown is The Peppermint Hippo. Inside there are several dancers undulating for their patrons on individual stages. Other dancers dance on the club floor for individual patrons. The boys enter the club.\nKyle: Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, I would be in super big trouble.\nKenny: [stops and looks around, then jumps for joy] (Woohoo!!) [rushes up to catch the other boys, who now sit around a small stage]\nStripper: [bloated woman with a coarse voice, opens an embrace to Stan] Would you like a dance?\nStan: No thanks.\nStripper: [moves to Kyle] Dance? [moves on] Anyone like a dance?\nDJ: Well all right, guests, put your hands together. Be sure to tip the dancers. And now, come on, let's hear it for Candy!\nBouncer: [walks up to the boys] Whoa whoa, what the hell are you kids doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate place for children.\nStripper: [walking in the foreground, on the other side of the small stage] Dance? Anyone like a dance?\nKyle: Uh, it's okay. We know the owner.\nBouncer: [crosses his arms] Oh, really? Let's go see.\nScene Description: The Peppermint Hippo back room.\nOwner: All right, so we'll have to start havin' the McCormicks make our meth again and-\nBouncer: Hey Gino, these kids say they know you.\nGino: What? Ha-I don't know no kids.\nBouncer: I didn't think so. All right, you kids-\nGino: Hey wait a minute. These kids might be just what we need to get our drugs past the security at DIA. How would you like to join our family?\nTall goon: Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids before, man. These kids are 5-0!\nGino: What?\nTall goon: These kids are cops, man! [the five men in the room assume positions and start firing away at the boys. A man at the door is shot and he falls away. The boys begin pretending to fire back and make shooting noises.]\nCartman: Bang bang bang... [the boys move behind a chair. The men continue firing. The boys move back into view]\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Bang bang bang... [the men move to lesser-powered weapons]\nKenny: (Pakew! Pakew!)\nCartman: [looks at Kenny] Kenny, it doesn't go \"Pakew! Pakew!\", it goes \"BANG BANG BANG!!\" [outside, police cars of all types pull up to the club. Dawson quickly jumps out of his car. An explosion appears in two windows of the club, and Dawson ducks a little]\nDawson: God damnit! Those junior detectives and their heroically reckless ways! Murphy! Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there! [The three men move in. Jenkins is Officer 2. Inside, two of the owner's men rush out of the back room, and the strippers rush out of the way. The men turn around and shoot back at the boys. The boys return fire. None of the four boys has yet been hit. The gunfight continues. The old stripper walks by again]\nStripper: Dance??? Anybody like a dance??? [walks by without being hit once. The other two men appear and shoot at the boys]\nHopkins: [enters the club] Freeze! South Park detectives! [Murphy and Jacobs quickly enter and take aim. Everyone stops and turns around to face the detectives. The DJ stands in his booth] Great job, boys. You found the meth boss!\nGino: Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the hell are you doing? We had a deal.\nHopkins: [looks at his colleagues with suspicion] A deal?\nMurphy: That's right. We're partners in the drug business. Everything was fine until these \"super-cops\" joined the force. [the boys look stunned at the revelation: these cops are crooked]\nJenkins: Now we've gotta kill you all.\nHopkins: Boys! Down! [the boys look for cover as the two crooked cops join the five men in firing at Hopkins. The boys huddle under a table]\nDJ: Huh alright guys, put your hands together, a lot of shootin' and killin' goin' on, but be sure to tip your waitress let's hear it for Rebecca.\nDawson: Christ! Those junior detectives have no regard for the law! [FBI trucks pull up and agents pour out of them]\nLead FBI agent: Get me a hard line to the phone! And I want choppers on the roof!\nDawson: [walks up] Who the hell are you??\nLead FBI agent: [whips out his badge] Agent Fields, FBI!\nDawson: Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation.\nFields: Not anymore, you're not.\nDawson: But that's not fair!\nFields: Is so! Is so! [inside, the gunfight continues. Hopkins is shot, and he quickly kills two of Gino's men. Jenkins quickly shoots at Hopkins and gets the right arm. Hopkins winces and falls down]\nJenkins: Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let anybody know about our partnership.\nGino: That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty!\nMurphy: That's right. [raises his gun and shoots Gino through the forehead. Gino's body slides down along the wall behind him] I think we'll take a hundred percent now.\nJenkins: Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business like this, sometimes partnerships need to end.\nMurphy: That's right. [raises his gun and shoots Jenkins through the side of the head, and Jenkins wavers and falls] Sometimes partnerships need to end. [now seeing the boys] Well, super-cops, looks like I'll be taking in all the money now. I'm in business alone. And that means that the only person I can't trust... is myself. [raises the gun and shoots himself through his chin, then falls alongside Hopkins]\nScene Description: Outside the Peppermint Club. The paramedics have arrived and are removing the bodies. Hopkins, up and about, reaches the boys.\nHopkins: [his arm in a sling] It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got what they deserved. If it weren't for you boys, we would have never cleaned up the department.\nDawson: [approaches the boys] All right, detectives, let's get one thing straight! I do not agree with your methods! You're uncontrolled, and you're negligent! But by God you get the job done. Congratulations!\nStan: Thanks.\nDawson: I'm probably going to regret this, but, well, I'm promoting you to full detectives. There'll be lots of action, and that big paycheck you've always wanted. [the paramedics close up the ambulance, then climb in and leave. The boys mull over the offer]\nStan: ...I think I have a better idea.\nScene Description: Cartman's basement, next day. The boys are back at playing Laundromat. The wall under the stairs has been removed to show the washer and dryer, which are now framed by a doorway saying \"Employees Only.\" Two clothes racks are seen, and the detectives' desks are refashioned as washer/dryer combos. A \"Laundromat\" sign on the wall looks over the whole thing.\nKyle: Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski Laundromat.\nStan: [walks up with one of his outfits] Yes, I have a suit I need dry-cleaned, and pressed, please.\nKyle: Certainly.\nCartman: [walks up with some clothes] Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your laundry is all done and folded. That will be nine ninety five. [Kenny hands him a card] On your American Express.\nButters: [coming down the stairs] Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! Ah I got my semen sample!\nCartman: You did?\nButters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, aaand finally, I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.\nKyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing laundromat owners.\nCartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown, with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars in their hands.\nStan: Wow, dude.\nCartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?\nRandy: Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.\nNative American chief: Welcome to the Three Feathers Casino. I'm your host, Chief Runs With Premise. Please try your luck at one of our many games.\nCartman: [eagerly] All right, let's go! [moves forward]\nRuns With Premise: Halt. [spreads his arms out] I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor.\nCartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?!\nRuns With Premise: You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club.\nGerald: All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club? [Stan shrugs and the boys leave. The adults move forward]\nRandy: All right, time to win some money!\nGerald: Oh yeah! blackjack table!\nBlackjack dealer: Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo.\nSheila: Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!\nGerald: Relax, sweetie [in hushed tones] I know how to count cards.\nSheila: Well I don't wanna play here!\nSharon: Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickel slots.\nRandy: Oooo, the nickel slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em. [smokes]\nGerald: All right, time to show these people how to gamble!\nScene Description: An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits on stage.\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons! [Johnny approaches the mic]\nKyle: What is Native American comedy, anyway?\nManymoons: [takes the mic] Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into a bar. Bear said to Deer, \"May I please... have a drink?\" And so Deer said to Bear, \"Why the big paws?\" [the drums strikes three beats]\nAudience: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! [the boys are confused]\nManymoons: Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, \"I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?\" Coyote said to Pony, \"Why can you not yell yourself?\" And Pony replied, \"Because I am a little horse.\" [the drums strikes three beats]\nAudience: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!\nScene Description: The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips. Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins.\nRandy: How's it goin', Gerald?\nGerald: [nervous, fidgeting] Ohh, not so good.\nRandy: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks.\nGerald: Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.\nRandy: Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars??\nGerald: I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem.\nRandy: Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!\nGerald: Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out!\nRandy: Where did you get that kind of money??\nGerald: The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip.\nBlackjack dealer: Dealer, twenty one. [takes the last chip] Sorry.\nGerald: [collapses on the table] That's it. I'm destitute. [leaps up and grabs Randy] Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup! [grabs the cup and tries to wrest it from Randy] Wha- what's in the cup?\nRandy: [keeps the cup] Just six quarters!\nGerald: [sits down and mopes] Oh God. Oh Jesus.\nBlackjack dealer: Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow.\nGerald: [bolts upright again] Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass!\nScene Description: Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low.\nGerald: How am I going to tell my family? [raises his head] How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to ...pack up our things and ...get out of the house? [Sheila and Sharon show up in the background with the boys.]\nSheila: There's daddy!\nGerald: [hangs his head] Oh, Jesus. [the boys and the women arrive.]\nSheila: Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over.\nKyle: Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go.\nGerald: [raises his head] What, What did you say?\nKyle: I said I wanna leave.\nGerald: [shifts gears and stands] Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave! [Sheila and Kyle are baffled]\nKyle: What?? No, no, I mean, I-\nGerald: No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!\nSheila: Gerald, what are you talking about?\nGerald: Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave! Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm calling a moving company right now! [leaves]\nCartman: Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude. [Kyle remains baffled, even as he looks at Cartman]\nSharon: [walks up to Randy] What's wrong with Gerald?\nRandy: He... he lost his house to the Native Americans.\nSharon: What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go?\nRandy: They don't care. [the camera rises and focuses on a window behind them]\nScene Description: The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the floor.\nRuns with Premise: Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away!\nElder 1: Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo.\nElder 2: [wearing glasses] Yes, but we have milked these simple mountain folk almost dry. If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city-people from Denver.\nRuns with Premise: [turns around] Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan. [walks over to an easel on which sits a map of Colorado, with a new highway drawn on it between the casino and Denver] A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino!\nAide 1: And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way?\nRuns with Premise: [holding up large stacks of bills] Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!\nElders: Ha ha ha ha!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides, two on either side of her.\nMayor McDaniels: And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled, in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway.\nRandy: [rises] But how can they do that?!\nMayor McDaniels: The Native Americans have purchased the land out from under us. Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership.\nJimbo: [rises] Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank.\nMayor McDaniels: The Native Americans bought the bank.\nMr. Garrison: Oh my God.\nMayor McDaniels: Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes.\nRandy: No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves! [the town clamors in agreement]\nChef: [rises] Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park! [the town clamors in agreement]\nRandy: How much do we have to raise, Mayor?\nMayor McDaniels: Three hundred thousand dollars. [the town thinks, then grumbles]\nRandy: Ohhh, never mind. [sits down]\nScene Description: The town library. Nine boys sit in front of it: Timmy, Jimmy, Tweek, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Alex.\nButters: How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away?\nCartman: Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!\nKyle: [correcting] Native Americans. [Stan rises and walks away from the building]\nStan: Our whole town, gone. We'd had such great times here. [begins to reminisce]\nScene Description: The scenes are as follows: Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween costumes. Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions. The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys. Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive out of the way. The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town. The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights of Standards and Practices watch. The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact. The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war. The town reenacts the Civil War Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get rid of the Hollywood gliterati Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia.\nStan: [stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys] We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans!\nThe boys: Yeah!\nAlex: Yeah, this is our town!\nStan: We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team!\nKyle, Butters, Tweek: Yeah!\nCartman: That's right!\nButters: Yeah, ahh, that's right!\nAlex: Yeah, we're a team!\nStan: We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars! [the boys start thinking]\nCartman: [rises and moves to the sidewalk] Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go! [trots off excitedly. The other boys just watch him leave. Cartman returns a few seconds later] No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?\nStan: We need something that'll get us money tomorrow!\nButters: Hey, I know! How about a dog parade? [smiles]\nKyle: Dog parade?\nButters: Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street. [closes his eyes and beams] It'll be so adorable!\nKyle: How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that?\nButters: Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads.\nStan: Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters!\nButters: Oh... [the boys go back to thinking]\nCartman: Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now.\nScene Description: South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk of it is torn off by the scoop.\nSheila: Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!\nRandy: [walks up to the Chief] How can you do this to people?\nRuns with Premise: We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits.\nRandy: There's more to life than profits!\nRuns with Premise: Well like what?\nRandy: Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff. [more of the house is torn down]\nChris: Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah. [begins to wave] So long, South Park.\nStan: Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars!\nChris: A dog parade? [smiles in anticipation]\nStan: No!\nRandy: Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow.\nStan: I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle!\nKyle: [opens a book he's carrying and reads] The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one. [looks up and closes the book] That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand.\nSheila: Boys, that's ridiculous.\nStan: Look, we- we've got nothing to lose.\nChef: What do you guys think?\nJimbo: It's a long shot.\nRandy: Yeah. [turns around and makes fists with determination] But it's the only shot we've got to save our town.\nScene Description: Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once more.\nRuns With Premise: [reading from a newspaper] The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars. but in the end managed to raise only ten. The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park. [fakes sadness] Awww, I think I'm going to cwy.\nTwo Elders: HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha!\nScene Description: The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large amount of yellow chips.\nRandy: All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here. [the adults begin to move past the boys]\nStan: Dad. [Randy turns around] Good luck.\nRandy: It's in God's hand now. [turns around and moves forward] Stand aside, everyone! [the adults move towards the roulette table. The Chief notices a change in atmosphere and rises to see what's going on from his office.]\nRuns With Premise: What are they doing?\nRandy: We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten thousand dollars! [sets the yellow chips down] On thirty one black! [moves the chips towards the number. Everyone gasps. The dealer takes the chips and puts them away, substituting some blue chips for the yellow ones.]\nRuns With Premise: Impossible!\nStan: [begins to wish hard] Come on! Come on! [the dealer starts the wheel and tosses the ball in the opposite direction. Everyone looks on in anticipation. The ball slows down and settles in on thirty one black.]\nRuns With Premise: Thirty one. Black. [the town erupts with joy]\nTownsfolk: Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!\nRuns With Premise: No... NOOO! [The boys cheer. Cartman and Kenny hug]\nAlex: South Park is saved. [the dealer adds more blue chips to the amount bet]\nMr. Mackey: We have plenty enough to save our town now!\nGerald: Yeah! But wait. [the rush of winning gets to him] Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million! [the people gasp a bit at the possibility]\nMr. Garrison: We can save the town and be super-rich!\nRandy: Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!\nGerald: Let it ride!!\nTownsfolk: Woohoo! Yeah! [they stay with thirty one black, and the dealer spins again]\nKyle: What the hell are they doing??\nJimbo: Let's go thirty one! Let's see it! [the ball bounces around and settles in on two red.]\nRoulette Dealer: Two, red. You lose.\nTownsfolk: AWWWWWWW!!\nRandy: Dammit!\nRuns With Premise: [satisfied with this result] Hmmm! [walks off]\nStan: They, they had it! They freakin' had it!\nScene Description: The road. The Marshes drive home in their car. Randy drives, Sharon sits on the passenger side. Stan sits between Shelly and Grandpa in the back seat.\nStan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.\nRandy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.\nStan: A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!\nRandy: Stan? Okay?\nStan: What???\nRandy: All right? Stan? Okay?\nStan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans! [Randy brakes the car angrily]\nRandy: [menacingly] Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! [turns and faces Stan] Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! [turns back to the wheel] I'm sorry, Native Americans.\nScene Description: South Park, next day. A \"SOLD\" sign is placed above the town sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for the checks being offered for their homes.\nElder 2: [facing Mr. Garrison] There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here.\nMr. Garrison: [signing] Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless.\nMr. Slave: [sobbing] Jesus! Jesus Christ!\nStan: [walks up to Randy, who is in line with the others] Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money!\nRandy: Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now. We have to take what they'll give us for our homes.\nElder 3: There you go. Have a nice day. [hands a check to Liane, who turns around and walks off with it]\nStan: [walks with his friends to a clearing where he could be heard] Come on, you guys! This is our town!\nMr. Mackey: It's over, Stanley. What else can we do?\nStan: We can stay. And fight.\nCartman: Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nAlex: Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!\nChef: I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics.\nRandy: It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move to the next town over.\nStan: Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too! What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go?? We have to stand up to them now! [the adults look back helplessly] Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys! [the boys leave. Cartman stays behind.]\nCartman: You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies! [follows his friends them out. The adults just watch]\nScene Description: South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street, blocking the way.\nRuns with Premise: Get out of our way.\nStan: No! We won't let you destroy our town!\nRuns with Premise: Boys. It isn't your town anymore.\nStan: Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chili's. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life.\nElder 1: Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move! [points the way to the side of the street]\nKyle: You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away!\nA Driver: And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh? [the boys stand unsure, but a sound rises up behind them. Townsfolk appear in mass and walk down the street.]\nTownsfolk: We are strong No one can tell us we're wrong [Stan looks behind him, smiles, then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of the buildings as well as on the street.] Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong [Stan looks at the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.] All of us knowing... [The boys grin] Love Is A Battlefield\nStan: This land is not for sale.\nRuns with Premise: Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with!\nElder 1: They were!\nMr. Garrison: Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money!\nPrincipal Victoria: Filthy bastard Native American money!\nMr. Garrison: Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that.\nRuns with Premise: This isn't over! [he and the others get into their bulldozers and pull out of town]\nJimbo: We'll never give up! You bastards!\nAlex: Yeah! South Park is ours.\nMr. Mackey: But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever.\nRandy: We can stand here as long as it takes. [no one moves. The scene stays for a few seconds, then...]\nScene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks over the casino floor from his office.\nRuns with Premise: What is the state of our people?\nElder 2: Last night I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon, our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino.\nElder 1: Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fifteen percent every day.\nRuns with Premise: Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land.\nElder 1: But they are determined and proud. And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare, further hurting our net assets.\nRuns with Premise: I already have a plan how we can force them off their land... sneakily. [begins to move off] We're going to give them... [stops in front of a wall] blankets. [three of them are shown]\nElder 1: Blankets?\nRuns with Premise: Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering. But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS. [his fellow tribespeople look at each other] They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo. Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets. [everyone puts on their little white face masks] Okay, bring them in!\nRuns with Premise: [The office doors open and several naked Chinese men are brought in] Let's see how South Park deals with this! [he picks up one of the men and rubs him on a blanket. The Chinese man looks at him bewildered] Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket. [other elders pick up the other Chinese them and carry them over to other blankets hanging on the wall] Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there. [the Chinese men grumble at their treatment]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived.\nField reporter: Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado, where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans from building a superhighway through their town. The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too. [a Three Casinos Humvee rolls into town and four elders, including Runs with Premise, exit the vehicle]\nRandy: [looking on suspiciously, huddled with his family] What do they want?\nMr. Garrison: We're not moving, ass-faces!\nRuns with Premise: [walks up to Mr. Garrison with a blanket] Free blanket? [presents it to him] Though I know we have differences, we believe that a compromise can be reached. In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold. Will you not take this offering as a gesture of good-will?\nMr. Garrison: You had me at \"free blanket.\" [Runs with Premise nods and Garrison takes the blanket and opens it. Runs with Premise moves on to other townsfolk and the other elders join in, passing out blankets to the townsfolk.]\nElders: Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...\nField reporter: Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of good-will towards the South Park people. What an incredible display of compassion. I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it.\nRuns with Premise: [walks up to Randy] Please. As a token of good faith.\nRandy: You... understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you.\nRuns with Premise: It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh.\nRandy: Well, thanks. [takes the blanket and opens it up. The Chief walks away]\nRuns with Premise: Oh. You're welcome.\nScene Description: South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick.\nField reporter: [leaning to his left] Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions. [coughs twice and sniffs] The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out, which means, nobody can come to our aid. [sniffs twice] It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for. Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner. What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle.\nScene Description: Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits on one side of the lean-to, Shelly on the other. Stan walks up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs.\nStan: It's all right, dad.\nRandy: How's your... mother?\nStan: [looks over] She's hanging in there. [looks at Randy again] Here, drink some beer. [Randy turns his head aside a bit so he can take a sip, then resets his head]\nRandy: It's cool on my tongue.\nStan: You're gonna be all right.\nRandy: Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live.\nStan: No, Dad, NO.\nRandy: Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. [coughs and sniffs] Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left. [runs out of air, then turns aside and breathes in. His voice turns raspy]\nStan: What can I do?\nRandy: You... must find a cure for SARS, son. And save our people.\nStan: Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!\nRandy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son. Seek out the wise man in Bellow Creek. Now go. GO! [Stan steps away, then runs. Randy relaxes and lays down]\nScene Description: Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks up to a trailer and knocks on the door.\nWise man: [answers the door] What?\nStan: Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-\nWise man: Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people. Come in. [steps aside and Stan enters] Watch the cats.\nStan: Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?\nWise man: Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down.\nScene Description: [Stan sits down on a bucket seat from a car. Beer bottles litter the trailer floor. The walls are dingy. An open doorway reveals the man's bedroom, which shows a cross hanging on the opposite wall. A poster of a swimsuit model posing on a car hangs on the living room wall. The man sits on the couch].\nWise man: You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey. [picks up a can of paint thinner and pours it into a brown paper bag]\nStan: An inward journey? That sounds kinda gay.\nWise man: Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. [offers the bag to Stan] Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions. [Stan takes the bag, looks at it, then takes a deep breath from it]\nStan: [disgusted] Ah! Oh, dude!\nScene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds a meeting in his second-story office.\nRuns with Premise: How much longer must we wait for our superhighway??\nElder 1: SARS has spread throughout the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. Their wills will break soon.\nRuns with Premise: Then I suppose we must be patient.\nWoman: Runs with Premise, come quickly!\nRuns with Premise: What is the matter, wife?\nWoman: It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick.\nScene Description: Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband with a feather attached to it. His parents approach.\nRuns with Premise: Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?\nWoman: He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS!\nRuns with Premise: No! I told you not to touch them!\nPremise Running Thin: Papa. Papa...\nMedicine Man: [wearing a wolf skin over his head and back] I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life. But nothing seems to be working.\nRuns with Premise: This would not have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away! No more waiting around! Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan! Shock and Awe!\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs up to Randy.\nStan: Dad! Dad!\nRandy: Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision??\nStan: Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and... told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS. [reaches into the bag and pulls out each item as he names it] Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite.\nRandy: Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone! [a few hours later, everyone is standing around enjoying the soup, soda, and medicine prescribed, and chatting]\nKyle: Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for.\nAlex: Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan.\nScene Description: In the distance the bulldozers return and a yell is heard. As the bulldozers draw near, Chief Runs with Premise is seen standing on the running board of the lead bulldozer.\nRuns with Premise: Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth! [the townsfolk look at the coming vehicles and slowly close ranks] What the? [thinks quickly] Wait a minute. [to his men] Stop! Stop! [hops off the bulldozer and walks up to the people] Your, your SARS. Where did it go?\nRandy: We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture.\nRuns with Premise: My son... Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well. [makes a truce sign with his hands] You... you can cure him?\nScene Description: Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one side, the South Park residents on the other.\nElder 1: It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him.\nElder 2: But your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life.\nRandy: We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives.\nRuns with Premise: You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return, I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino. [his wife nudges him with her elbow a few times and he gets irritated] All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town. And you can all have your homes back.\nTownsfolk: All right! Yeah! [townspeople jump and cheer. Sheila and Gerald hug each other.] Woohoo!\nAlex: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up.\nStan: Dude, who the hell are you?\nAlex: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.\nKyle: What?! Get the hell out of here!\nAlex: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Jill!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, school bus stop, morning. Stan, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus. Stan is dressed in fishnet tank top, artsy pants, and a new, furry cap with the same colors as his old one. Cartman is dressed in a Madonna fashion shirt and artsy pants. His hair is tussled and brighter than usual. Kenny is dressed in a purple parka with light purple sleeves. A lock of his hair peeks out from under the hood.\nStan: Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.\nCartman: What? Tell us?\nStan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes on, right? So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top.\nCartman: Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!\nStan: I know!\nKenny: (I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!)\nStan: Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.\nKyle: [joins them, but dressed as usual] Hey dudes. [the others glance at him]\nCartman: [begins to laugh at him] What a dork!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall! [laughs heartily]\nKyle: Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear.\nStan: You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend.\nCartman: Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th. [Stan inspects Kyle's jacket]\nStan: Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all??\nCartman: We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys.\nKenny: (That's the truth.)\nStan: Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover! [the boys excitedly pull Kyle along to South Park Mall]\nScene Description: Montage\nSingers (Widelife): You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. It's true. You bring out the best in me. When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better. It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better).\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila watch TV from their couch\nAnnouncer: Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!\nCarson: [a shot of Queer Eye...] We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!\nAnnouncer: [the night's schedule pops up over the scene] Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men.\nSheila: My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days.\nGerald: Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted. [the door opens and the four newly-clothed boys enter]\nKyle: [waves] Hi Mom, Hi Dad!\nGerald: [looks and jumps to his feet] HAAAAAA!!! [walks over to Kyle] Kyle! What's happened to you??\nKyle: I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen! [leads the others boys out of the living room]\nGerald: Oh my God! Come on, Sheila! [she rises] We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!! [they leave.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Gerald is pounding on the front door and Sharon answers.\nSharon: Oh hi Gerald, Sheila.\nGerald: Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys.\nSharon: Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.\nGerald: Oh, is the game on or something? [they move towards the sofa, where a bunch of the men are watching]\nRandy: [moves over to Gerald and hugs him] Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!! [the other men greet him as well]\nOther Men: Geraaald! Hi Gerald.\nStuart: Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on.\nGerald: Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too?? [the other men laugh]\nRandy: Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual.\nGerald: What's that?\nSkeeter: Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.\nStuart: Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture.\nRandy: It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz?\nScene Description: The ladies look on from the kitchen.\nSharon: Don't our men look\nLinda: Haven't you seen Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best.\nSheila: It is?\nSharon: Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat. My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures.\nLinda: And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house.\nSarah: My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. Oooh, I love it!\nSharon: And how about our boys, huh? Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day. This is the greatest thing ever.\nSheila: I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far...\nScene Description: South Park, day. The boys go to school in their new threads. They stop at the main entrance.\nStan: Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!\nCartman: That's true, you guys. When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us.\nKenny: (Woohoo!!)\nStan: All right. Let's work it! [shimmies a bit. The boys turn and pass through the entrance, but stop in their tracks.] What the...?\nButters: Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classes.\nConnor: Okay, sweetums. [they part ways. Butters goes off to his right. Farther away, near the drinking fountains, stand Timmy, Jimmy, Kevin, and Pip]\nClyde: Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am freaking out! [turns right and follows after Butters. The boys look on in stunned silence]\nA boy: Hey dudes. [the boys look and it's Craig with Token, Jason, and Tweek]\nStan: Hey Craig.\nCraig: You guys look pretty gay.\nKyle: [happily] Thanks.\nCraig: [him and his group are not happy about it] Not as gay as us, though.\nCartman: [moves in front of Kyle] Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you!\nCraig: Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!\nChef: [arrives] What's all this fightin' about, children?!\nStan: These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!\nChef: Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too.\nStan: Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!\nChef: No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay!\nStan: We're metrosexual!!\nCraig: Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags! [snaps his fingers and his group follows him away]\nCartman: GOD I HATE CRAIG!! [Stan and Kenny turn to leave] That son of a... djah!! [leaves. Kyle turns to leave, but has second thoughts.]\nKyle: Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual.\nChef: Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, next day. He enters. On the blackboard are two math problems: one addition, one subtraction.\nMr. Garrison: All right children, let's take our seats.\nClass: [in unison] Good morning Mr. Garrison. [their dulcet tones get his attention, and he turns around]\nMr. Garrison: Well, uh d-don't you all look nice.\nTimmy: [responds, gestures gaily with his hands] Oooo, Timmy. [the door opens and Kyle enters. A closeup of the boys as Kyle goes to his seat]\nStan: Dude! W-what are you doing?\nKyle: I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.\nCraig: HA! Told you you guys were straight!\nStan: We're not straight! You're straight!\nJason, Craig, Tweek, Token: You're straight!\nCartman: You're straight like a freeway!\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is going on??\nCartman: You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!!\nCraig: I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny stay silent, looking at each other]\nCartman: ...So? I'm half bisexual!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Eric, you're not half-bi!!\nCartman: I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.\nMr. Garrison: WHAT??\nScene Description: Nighttime. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk down the street.\nMr. Garrison: It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool. I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore. [they cross the cross street and enter the bar at the corner]\nMr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.\nScene Description: The bar, inside. Disco music is playing. Mr. Garrison looks in awe at the metrosexuals now milling about.\nMr. Garrison: Look at that, Mr. Slave. [a pan shot of the people there. He puts his hands over his mouth] Our cup runneth over.\nMr. Slave: [puts his right hand over his mouth] Jesus Christ.\nJimbo: [standing with Ned at the bar] Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.\nMr. Garrison: Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too. [cuddles up to him] Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?\nJimbo: Uh, for what?\nMr. Garrison: Well, you know...\nJimbo: No.\nMr. Garrison: Huh.\nRandy: Mr. Garrison! [Garrison and Slave walk over] Hey doll.\nMr. Garrison: Oh hey Randy.\nRandy: You're looking ultra-fabulous.\nMr. Garrison: Well thanks. You too. [leans in a bit] So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?\nRandy: [turns his back to Mr. Garrison and walks away] Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that.\nMr. Garrison: Not, not like that?\nRichard: [approaches, carries some glasses of wine] How about some shirazz, guys? [Garrison and Slave each take a glass]\nMr. Garrison: Uh-Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.\nRichard: My pleasure, silly-buns.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, wuh, well uh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place.\nRichard: Why?\nMr. Garrison: Well, you know, I was just thinking we could... put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.\nMr. Slave: Woohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ.\nRichard: Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight.\nMr. Garrison: Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?!\nPatrons: Huh?\nMr. Garrison: Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?!\nRandy: Well, we don't \"pound butt,\" Mr. Garrison, we're straight.\nMr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!\nJimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.\nMr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!!\nSkeeter: So, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now.\nPatrons: Yeah.\nMr. Garrison: One of you?! [throws his glass down] We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day.\nCartman: Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp.\nStan: Wow, is that from Origins?\nCartman: Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-\nKyle: [approaches with a football] Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around?\nCartman: Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second? [pulls Stan and Kenny away from Kyle] Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle.\nStan: Well, what can we do about it?\nCartman: We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle.\nStan: What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle! We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore.\nCartman: Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.\nStan: Yeah. Wait, what?\nCartman: You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy.\nCraig: [approaches with his friends] Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there. [they laugh at him]\nToken: When was the last time you had a manicure, straight man? [Kyle picks up his football]\nJason: Yeah, let's see that hair. [lifts up Kyle's hat] Look, he's not even using any product! [he and the others laugh at him. Other boys gather in and join in the laughter]\nStan: [returns with Cartman and Kenny] Hey, what's goin' on?\nCraig: Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend!\nCartman: He's not our friend. [Stan's jaw drops a bit. Cartman looks at Stan and walks away. Kenny follows]\nKyle: Stan? [Stan looks at Kyle, sighs, and walks away]\nJason: [shoves Kyle a bit] This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man!\nCraig: Take your non-flaming ass to some other school! [the other boys gather round Kyle and gang up on him]\nKyle: No! Ah!\nScene Description: South Park sign, now with a bed of flowers under it.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle returns with bruises all over his body. His mom is dusting.\nSheila: [sees him and drops her duster to kneel next to him] Kyle! What happened to you?!\nKyle: [sniffs] I got beat up at school... for being different.\nSheila: WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?\nKyle: No! For not being a metrosexual.\nSheila: Gerald! Gerald, get down here!\nGerald: [upstairs. Disco music plays] Here I come! [dances down the stairs, then moonwalks right back up, then strikes a pose.]\nKyle: Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?\nGerald: Kyle! You look terrible! [walks down and approaches him]\nSheila: The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.\nGerald: Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle. We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look.\nKyle: Gah! Just leave me alone! [walks away and passes the TV]\nA voice: There you go! Now you look fabulous.\nKyan: You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.\nKyle: GRRRRR!!\nThom: Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps. [the straight man smiles]\nKyle: That does it! I know what I have to do! [walks off]\nScene Description: Chef's house, day. Mr. Garrison rings the bell.\nChef: Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: [sadly] Chef, can I talk to you?\nChef: Sure. Come on in.\nMr. Garrison: Thanks. Come, Slave. [yanks Mr. Slave in by a leash around his neck. Both men sit on Chef's couch. Mr. Slave buries his face in his hands] Oh, it's just awful, Chef! I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town! Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!\nMr. Slave: [sobs] Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!\nChef: Well, what do you want me to do about it?\nMr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?\nChef: Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.\nMr. Slave: [straightens up] How did you do that?\nChef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, \"I'm in the house\" instead of \"I'm here.\" But then white people all started to say \"in the house\" so we switched it to \"in the hizzouse.\" Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then \"in the hizzle\" which we had to change to \"hizzle fo shizzle,\" and now, because white people say \"hizzle fo shizzle,\" we have to say \"flippity floppity floop.\"\nMr. Garrison: [slumps forward] We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. [thinks] Wait. [rises] That's it! I know exactly what to do! [yanks on Mr. Slave's leash] Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop. [exits the front door with Mr. Slave]\nChef: Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that! [the door closes]\nScene Description: South Park Train Station. Kyle approaches a ticket booth.\nKyle: One ticket to New York, please.\nClerk: [handing a ticket over] You're going to New York alone?\nKyle: I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people.\nClerk: Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes.\nKyle: Mrrh.\nScene Description: Kyle walks away, then unsheathed a sharp knife. He enters the train. Inside, he walks down the aisle until he sees a bench. He hops onto it and sits down. A few seconds later, he notices the two men to his left, then looks up in recognition: they are Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison is carrying his own knife.\nKyle: Mr. Garrison?\nMr. Garrison: Kyle, what are you doing here?\nKyle: I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people!\nMr. Garrison: What?? That's what I'm doing!\nKyle: Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first!\nMr. Garrison: They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours!\nKyle: I thought of it first!\nMr. Garrison: No you didn't! No you didn't!\nKyle: Did so! Did so!\nMr. Garrison: I thought of it yesterday!\nKyle: I thought of it two days ago!\nMr. Garrison: I thought of it before you were born!\nMr. Slave: Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is?\nMr. Garrison: Oh. [sigh] You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together.\nKyle: Cool.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. The boys are at a clothing store.\nStan: Wow, we look great!\nCartman: Yeah, and let's see Craig out gay us now.\nRandy: Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men! [leaves. The boys follow him out. Randy calls out to the other men in the mall] Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men! [their wives sit on benches in the center of the mall with nothing to do]\nRichard: Oh my God!\nMan: Let's go! Let's go!\nRyan: [walking down the far side of the mall] You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!\nGerald: Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!\nJimbo: Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?!\nSharon: You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.\nLinda: I know what you mean. All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. He cares more about how he looks than how I look.\nMrs. Tweek: I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.\nScene Description: HBC Television Headquarters, New York. The head of programming is with the Queer Eye guys.\nHead of Programming: Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show! [the guys cheer]\nCarson: What can I say? We're fabulous.\nHead of Programming: You guys are changing the world! And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!\nJai: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint. [a knock is heard at the door, then it opens]\nMr. Garrison: Room service. [a service cart rolls in]\nHead of Programming: What? We didn't order any room service.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.\nHead of Programming: Carol? [lifts the platter's lid for a brief peek, then lowers it] Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas. [leaves. Mr. Garrison continues inside the office when the coast is clear. He takes the cart to the desk and parks it there. Kyle pops out and rushes to lock the door]\nKyle: Clear!\nMr. Garrison: [whips out his walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Okay, Mr. Slave! [From a nearby building Mr. Slave swings down like Spiderman and crashes through the window, but passes out on impact. His body collapses on the floor]\nMr. Slave: Unh, Jesus [a chunk of window falls onto his ass] Christ.\nMr. Garrison: Well crap, that didn't work.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. Stan and his group face off against Craig and his group at the center of the mall.\nStan: You'd better shut up, Craig.\nCraig: Everyone knows it's true!\nStan: It is not!\nCraig: Is so!\nTom: Craig! Behave yourself!\nRandy: Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?\nStan: Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can out dress you!\nRandy: What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about.\nTom: Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.\nRandy: Oh really?!\nTom: I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman.\nMen: Ooooo.\nRandy: Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.\nOther men: Oh no, errrr!\nSharon: Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?! [the men fall silent] Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?!\nTom: You don't... like us being metrosexual?\nThe women: NO!\nRandy: Well, you know what I think? I think you're all metrophobic!\nThe males: Yeah!!\nLinda: What?\nJimbo: We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these!\nSharon: This is crazy!\nRandy: [steps forward, past the boys] Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want. But us metros are real people, just like you!\nTom: [steps forward, past the boys] You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!\nCraig: [steps forward, past his father] Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.\nCartman: [steps forward] That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys? I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade.\nRyan: Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness!\nStuart: We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers!\nKenny: (Woohoohoo!)\nRandy: Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!\nThe males: Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets!\nMrs. Tweek: What the hell did that show do to them?\nScene Description: HBC Television Headquarters, New York. Police have been called in and have apprehended Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle.\nOfficer: You sure you don't want to press charges?\nKyan: That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong.\nCarson: Especially in those pants.\nMr. Garrison: [the cops leave] Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but... You have to stop what you're doing!\nJai: Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV!\nMr. Garrison: But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind. Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours. If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left.\nKyan: Sorry Charlie, no sale. [he and the others turn and walk away]\nMr. Garrison: Buh... but... this doesn't make sense! [grabs his head] How can gay men do this to their own people?? [the Queer Eye guys reach the exit] Unless... you're not gay at all... [the guys stop, turn around, look at Garrison angrily, then return]\nThom: You just had to push it, didn't you?!\nJai: Just had to keep asking question!\nCarson: [locks the exit] Now you know the truth!\nKyle: They aren't gay? Then what are they?\nKyan: For a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished by man in the Kindling Wars.\nMr. Garrison: Oh my God. [Kyan steps forward and begins to crumble. A walking crab pops out]\nLeader: We are the Crab People!\nKyle: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!\nMr. Slave: Jesus Christ!\nThe Queer Eye guys: [they too crumble and advance] Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!\nScene Description: A subterranean cave. The crab people lead their hostages to their camp.\nCrab People: Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!.\nCrab Leader: [entirely red] See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years! But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone!\nMr. Garrison: Gone?? [\"Crab People! Crab People!\"]\nCrab Man 2: Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, and so we came up with our perfect plan! [another crab person walks over to a closet full of human shells, all of them replicas of the Queer Eye guys. The crab person climbs in a Carson replica and closes the shell behind him. Carson's replica comes to life]\nCarson replica: If you can't beat man, [drops down from his hook] change man!\nMr. Garrison: I knew it! I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind! [some crab people restrain him and Mr. Slave]\nCrab Leader: When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!! [raises his pincers and claps. The other crab people join him and clap]\nCrab People: Crab People! Crab People!\nCrab Solo: Taste like crab, talk like people.\nCrab People: Crab People!\nKyle: You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!\nCrab Man 2: [approaches] Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals, then we will make you into crab people! Take them!! [the crab people swarm in and separate the hostages. Some of them take Kyle into Crabwear and select a crab outfit for him to wear. Then they take him to Crab Salon and put antennae on his hat, then they take him to get a facial, then they march him down the underground road]\nSingers(Crab People): All things just keep getting better You... came into my life (Crab People) and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. (Crab People) It's true. You bring out the best in me. (Crab People) When you are around, when you are around, (Crab People) All things just keep getting better. (Crab People)\nScene Description: South Park, day. A Metrosexual Pride Parade moves down the street in the background, and News 4 is covering it.\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway! [in a rainbow peacock float Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter and Stuart ride and cheer. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny ride in a banana float which features an ocean wave and a palm tree. On the tree waves a rainbow flag that says \"Here to Stay\"\nThe boys: We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it! We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it!\nSharon: [as the boys' voices fade away] That does it! I can't take it anymore!\nThe boys: We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it!\nLinda: I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.\nSharon: Ladies, get your things! I know what we have to do! [leads the ladies away. Randy's float hits a pothole and veers to the right. It hits the sushi restaurant as the spectators back away quickly]\nJimbo: Whoa, look out! [the float hits the building and breaks a window. A small fire is heard]\nRandy: Oh my God, it's on fire! [the men jump out of the float and run to the other side of the street]\nSkeeter: Put it out! Put it out!\nRandy: I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!\nSkeeter: The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this!\nOfficer Barbrady: [seated on his patrol car, buffing his nails] Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed!\nJimbo: [the float and building are now fully engulfed in flames] Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!\nSkeeter: Eeeek!\nRandy: Put it out! Put it out! Fire!\nScene Description: HBC Headquarters, New York. The Queer Eye guys work on President Bush on their show.\nCarson: Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over!\nKyan: Now, we've got to do something with your hair.\nThom: And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.\nHead of Programming: This is gay gold! [Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle look down from the sound booth]\nMr. Garrison: Stop them! They're crab people!\nCrab Man 3: They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helpless!!\nCarson: That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket. [Kyan, Jai, and Thom remove the President's coat and Carson hands him the jacket]\nKyle: No Mr. President!! Don't do it! [the crab man holding him quickly covers his mouth] Help!\nMr. Garrison: You bastards!\nKyan: That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer. [Bush and the guys smile. The studio door bursts open and the women flood into the studio wielding bats]\nSharon: There they are! Get 'em!\nKyan: What? [their smiles vanish]\nLinda: You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!!\nSarah: It's payback time! [the women rush in and start beating up the Queer Eye guys]\nHead of Programming: Oh my God, what are they doing?!\nCrab Man 3: Oh noooo!! [Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave react and crack the crab people in two in the booth as the women finish Queer Eye guys off below]\nHead of Programming: [kneeling at the corpses of Carson and Kyan] Wha? What have you done?\nSharon: We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat. We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier. But it doesn't.\nLinda: That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to.\nSarah: We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys.\nHead of Programming: Well you're going to jail for thi-! [Kyan's body begins to move, and the HoP looks down] Wait a minute. [a crab man crawls out] What is that?\nCrab Leader: No! Our evil plans! Noooo... [dies]\nHead of Programming: Oh my God. They were crab people.\nMr. Garrison: [enters the studio with Slave and Kyle in tow] Yes! They were trying to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world!\nKyle: Mom!\nSheila: Kyle!\nHead of Programming: I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jeffersons.\nMr. Garrison: So now, can you please change your network's programming?\nHead of Programming: Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're gonna bring back the Latin fad.\nScene Description: South Park. The sign has been redrawn with a barrio graffiti font.\nScene Description: The McCormick house, day. Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter, and Stuart are now dressed as cholos on the porch. Two six-packs of Coronas are on the ground. Some of the bottles are already empty.\nRandy: Hey eses.\nStuart: Hey hefe. You want some cerveza? [hands Randy a beer.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks into view in the school hall.\nStan: Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us?\nKyle: What? Y-you want me to hang out with you?\nStan: Yeah. It's cool, holmes.\nKyle: No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned your backs on me. You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing! And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened?\nStan: Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us. [turns and walks away]\nCartman: Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! [turns and walks away. Kenny just looks at him and walks off. Kyle looks away, then back at the boys, then walks away in the opposite direction. He stops, thinks for a while, then turns around and hurries to them]\nKyle: God-damnit!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan and the boys are in the Marsh garage belting out tunes, but their musical styles are scattered. Cartman sings lead, Stan and Kyle on are guitars, Kenny is on the drums.\nCartman: God dammit! [hangs his head and lets the mic stand fall into his left hand. All stop playing and the side door opens]\nRandy: [looks in] Stan, are you okay?\nStan: Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our band. [Cartman straightens up]\nRandy: Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [steps back and closes the door]\nCartman: [cackling] Heheheheheh heheheheheh.\nKyle: He's right, dude. We have to define our style if we're ever going to make a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion guy, but Kenny's background is more Latin Jazz.\nKenny: (What? Is it?)\nStan: Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B oriented. [Cartman paces the floor with arms behind his back]\nKyle: I think out band better buy a whole bunch of music CDs to listen to for inspiration.\nCartman: [stops] Inspiration. Wait a minute, [turns right and walks away from them] that's it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you see?\nStan: See what?\nCartman: [turns around] Our band should play Christian rock! [beams with pride]\nKyle: Christian rock?!\nCartman: [races back to the band] Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap!\nKyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman!\nCartman: [protests, takes a step towards Kyle] It worked for Creed!\nStan: I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian rock band!\nCartman: [steps towards Stan] You just start that way, Stan, then you cross over. It's genius!\nKyle: [pointing to an exit] Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! You're not serious and you're a detriment to the band!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that if I start a Christian rock band that I can get a platinum album before you guys do!\nKyle: You're on, fat boy!\nCartman: Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have a platinum album wins! Go! [runs out as fast as his fat little body will let him, and pants]\nKyle: [after a few seconds of watching the door] What a stupid asshole!\nScene Description: The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs through the streets. He appears over a rise on one of the streets.\nCartman: Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta make a platinum album before Kyle! [runs up to a house and pounds on the front door. The door opens up and it's Butters who answers]\nButters: Oh, hi Eric.\nCartman: Butters! Get your drum set and meet me at my house! We have to make a platinum album! Hurry, Butters! [dashes off]\nButters: [watching Cartman run off] ...Ohhh!\nScene Description: Token's mansion. Cartman runs up to the front door.\nCartman: No time to waste! Platinum album! Must beat Kyle! [pounds on the door and Token answers] Token! Get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house! [turns around and dashes off]\nToken: What?! We don't have a bass guitar.\nCartman: [spins around] Your family's black, Token! There's bound to be a bass guitar in your basement somewhere! [runs off. Token gets annoyed and shuts the door]\nScene Description: Cartman's house. He and Butters are in the living room. Cartman is at the piano, Butters is on drums.\nButters: Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You must have some... inspiration.\nCartman: Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when he loses his ten dollars to me. [makes changes to the sheet music on the piano's sheet music holder]\nToken: [arrives with a bass and a small amplifier] Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement.\nCartman: I told you, Token.\nToken: So, what are we doing?\nCartman: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing, life-affirming, financially windfalling experiences of our young lives.\nButters: Wow!\nCartman: We are going to start... a Christian rock band.\nButters: [his smile vanishes and he slumps in his chair] Awww.\nToken: [moves towards the front door] I'm out. [picks up his amp]\nCartman: Wait! [Token stops, Cartman rushes over] Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it the rest of your life! Christians have a built-in audience of over one hundred and eighty million Americans! If each one of them buys just one of our albums at twelve dollars and ninety-five cents that would be- [points to Butters]\nButters: Two billion, three hundred and thirty one million dollars.\nCartman: Still want to leave, Token? [Token thinks a bit, then resumes his place] Thank you.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald and Sheila are on the sofa. Gerald reads a book, Sheila is knitting.\nKyle: [enters and stands before them] Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?\nGerald: Three hundred dollars?? What in the world for??\nKyle: Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in. We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound.\nGerald: Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance already.\nKyle: Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? Music is my life!\nGerald: It wasn't your life yesterday. [resumes reading]\nKyle: Hold it. [plaintive] Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul. And I know my place is up on that stage. I'm gonna make it to the top. And I just want your blessing, Pops.\nGerald: The answer is no, Kyle.\nKyle: Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!\nSheila: Kyle, don't belittle your own people!\nKyle: [turns and walks off in frustration] Aaaargh! [heads for the front door and opens it. Stan and Kenny approach the entrance. It's night out.]\nStan: Hey dude.\nKyle: It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs!\nStan: No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you can download music for free on the Internet!\nKyle: Really?\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nStan: You got a computer?\nScene Description: Stan's Dad's den, moments later. The boys are at the computer. Stan works the keyboard as Kyle and Kenny watch.\nStan: See? Everyone on the Internet copies their music from their CDs, and then we can download them for free and play them on the computer!\nKyle: All right, cool. [takes over] Let's download some Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder. [with each name, he clicks on some songs and a download indicator shows download progress for each one. It's an extremely fast connection]\nKenny: (Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)\nStan: Kenny's right. We should download some Judas Priest, too.\nKyle: [types in the search box] Judas Priest. [a two-tone bell sound indicates a successful download] Wow! Downloading music for free is awesome! [immediately, helicopters are heard coming and the light outside turns bright white. A night sun hovers overhead and stops at a position in which the helicopter pilots can see inside the den. Police sirens are then heard]\nStan: What the hell is that?\nKyle: I don't know. [drops from the bench and walks over to a window] Let me go check. [an FBI agent crashes through the window, falls and rolls into a standing position, then aims his firearm at the boys. The boys are startled and jump]\nAgent 1: Freeze!! FBI!! [a second agent crashes through the other window and rolls into position as well. A third agent leaps in through the second window]\nAgent 2: Down on the ground! Down on the ground! [the boys are herded closer together. Three thumps are heard on the door and more agents break in with a battering ram.]\nAgent 3: Hurry up! Let me see those hands! [the boys quickly raise their hands as more agents pour in. The boys are handcuffed]\nAgent 2: [into his walkie-talkie] Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects in custody! [the boys are escorted out of the room]\nAgent 4: Move move move move move move! All clear, men! [to the boys] Get your ass going!\nAgent 5: Move move move move move move! Move!\nGerald: [appears at the door with Sheila] Kyle, what did you do?!\nKyle: [being herded into an FBI van with the other boys] I don't know!\nScene Description: Cartman's house. He, Token and Butters begin to practice.\nCartman: All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy. All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them. [some sheet music is shown. Cartman has already crossed out the original author's name] See? All we have to do is cross out words like \"baby\" and \"Darling\" and replace them with [writes next to \"baby\"] Jesus. All right, Butters, give me a beat. [Butters doesn't understand, but starts drumming. It's rather good] Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line.\nToken: I don't know how to play bass. [Butters stops]\nCartman: [Sighs, has his left fist on his forehead, eyes shut] Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass.\nToken: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!\nCartman: Be as sick as you want, just give me a God-damned bass line! [Token begins to play a bass line, then is surprised that he can actually do it, then realizes that Cartman is right]\nToken: God-damnit! [Butters joins in and their sounds flow together]\nCartman: All right. Nice, fellas. Nice. [begins to sing] I need you in my life, Jesus. I can't live without you, Jesus And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.\nButters: Well done!\nScene Description: United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, day. Inside, a detective reviews some reports on the boys' Internet activity. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait on the other side of the table.\nKyle: [some seconds later] Um, sir-\nYates: Shut up!! [the boys jump in their seats, then look down, chagrined] You downloaded a lot of songs! Says here you even downloaded Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys are lookin' at. You got anything to say for yourselves?\nKyle: [rubs the table a bit] We d-didn't think it was that big a deal.\nYates: [pissed off] Not a big deal! You think downloading music for free is not a big deal?! Put your coats on! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it!\nScene Description: A mansion, unknown location, day. The agent has taken the boys for a ride and arrived here. He leads them to the main gate.\nYates: This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the drummer for Metallica. [they approach a bush] Look. There's Lars now, sitting by his pool. [he's seen sitting on the edge of a chaise longue, his face in his hands, softly sobbing]\nKyle: What's the matter with him?\nYates: This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed right next to the pool, but thanks to people downloading his music for free, he must now wait a few months before he can afford it.\nYates: [a close-up of Lars sobbing] Come. There's more. [leads them away. Next seen is a small airport at night] Here's Britney Spears' private jet. Notice anything? [a shot of Britney boarding a plane, then stopping to look at it before entering] Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV. Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free. [Britney gives a heavy sigh and goes inside.] The Gulfstream III doesn't even have a remote control for its surround-sound DVD system. Still think downloading music for free is no big deal?\nKyle: We... didn't realize what we were doing, eh...\nYates: That is the folly of man. Now look in this window. [they are at another mansion, and they look inside a picture window] Here you see the loving family of Master P. [He's shown tossing a basketball to his wife while his kid tries to catch it] Next week is his son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted was an island in French Polynesia. [his mom lowers the ball and gives it to the boy, who smiles, picks it up and drops it. It rolls away and he goes after it]\nKyle: So, he's gonna get it, right?\nYates: I see an island without an owner. If things keep going the way they are, the child will not get his tropical paradise.\nStan: [apologetically] We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again!\nYates: [somberly, dramatically] Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else... I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.\nScene Description: Some bluffs by a beach, dawn. Cartman, Token and Butters scramble over some boulders to get to the beach. Seagulls fly overhead.\nCartman: Almost there, you guys.\nButters: Ow...\nToken: Why the hell did you tell us to dress nice to take us out here?\nCartman: Because, Token, we have to take pictures for our album cover. [sets up his camera on a tripod] The key to a hot-selling Christian album is a flashy inspirational album cover.\nButters: Wow, neato! An album cover! [walks out onto the sand]\nToken: [follows Butters onto the sand] This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!\nCartman: [when Token seems out of earshot] I'm going to kill you one day, Token.\nToken: [spins around] What did you say?! [Cartman is startled]\nCartman: Nothing. All right, guys, stand over there and look wholesome and cool. I have a timer on this thing so I can get in the shot too. [begins to focus the shot. Butters and Token stand together]\nButters: Cheese!\nCartman: No no! Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover? You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care! [Butters and Cartman move apart. Token moves off to a boulder a little farther away, Butters moves a bit closer to the camera]\nButters: Cheese!\nCartman: No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool!\nButters: Oh...\nCartman: Token, look away to the right. [Token looks off to the right] More. [Token turns his head to the right] More!\nToken: [turns all his body to the right] Why the hell would I be looking way over there??\nCartman: So it looks like you're too cool to care that you're on an album cover, you black asshole! Now just hold it! [starts the timer, then steps into the shot] Our first album cover.\nScene Description: He raises his hands and head in praise and closes his eyes. The first shot is taken. More album covers. First, the three boys looking down at the camera as if in a football huddle. Next, a shot of the three of them standing in line, frowning. Next, a shot of Cartman making more changes to sheet music, Cartman in his room/home studio making changes with a reel-to-reel player beside him, Cartman on a bus writing new lyrics onto his left palm: \"Jesus is awesome. I love him so much. Jesus is great.\" Cartman playing his changes on the reel-to-reel player to his band-mates. At Butters' house Butters presents Cartman with a fresh print of their first album wrapped in cellophane. Token uses a hair dryer on the CD to shrink-wrap the cellophane in place, and the camera zooms in. While the scenes roll by, Cartman sings.\nCartman: Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go. My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door. I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.\nScene Description: The FBI building, next day. The parents have shown up to retrieve the boys.\nGerald: Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. Sorry for all the trouble they caused.\nYates: It's all right. I think these boys learned their lesson.\nStan: Boy, I'll say!\nYates: If you parents will just step over here, you can pay their four hundred dollar release and penalty fees.\nRandy: Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading some songs off the Internet? It's not that big a deal.\nYates: Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it! [leads the parents away]\nStan: [walks off in the opposite direction] Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go back home and get back to band practice.\nKenny: (Yeah)\nKyle: No! Didn't you guys learn anything? Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet. We won't make a dime!\nStan: Oh yeah.\nKyle: Until we get people to stop downloading music for free, I say we refuse to play!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. A reporter stands in front of it waiting to make his report. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit on the steps with a sign beside them: \"Musicians on Strike\".\nField Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the rock band, MOOP, has refused to play. The strike started yesterday and could go well into next week.\nCartman: [walks up] Oh hey guys. How's it going?\nKyle: We're not letting you back in the band, Cartman! Fuck off!\nCartman: [brushes off Kyle's comment] I don't wanna be in your crappy band, guys. I just wanted to let you know, the album for my Christian rock band, [brings out the CD] Faith + 1, is about to go platinum.\nStan: It is?? [Kyle's jaw drops]\nCartman: That's right. We already sold thirteen copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya! [tugs at one of the lobes on Kyle's hat] Hahahaha ha ha!\nKyle: You get a platinum album for selling one million copies, you fat turd!\nCartman: It's just a matter of time, my friends. This weekend is Christfest. The single largest gathering of Christians in the Midwest. Each one of them a walking, praying wallet full of cash. And I'll be there selling my album.\nKyle: You'll never get a platinum album doing Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!\nStan: Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity.\nCartman: I know enough to exploit it. Just get that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Ta-ta! [walks off]\nKyle: Go ahead! People will just download your songs for free on the Internet anyways!\nStan: What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler than his.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nScene Description: Christ-fest, night. A stadium's parking lot is crowded with all sorts of booths selling stuff.\nT-Shirt vendor: Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm!\nBible vendor: Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.\nCartman: Yes, it's really the best Christian album that's ever been produced, actually..\nElderly woman: Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren. They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics.\nCartman: [takes the woman's body and puts it in the treasurer's box] I think that's what the whole world needs, praise Christ.\nButters: Huh we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are. [Cartman flashes an angry look at Butters. The woman looks deceived, but she takes the album with her anyway]\nCartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.\nMC: [the boys look up] All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 2003! [the boys leave their booth and enter the stadium] are you ready for some live music? [the crown inside begins to move]\nA Man: Yeah Jesus!\nMC: Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity! [the lights come up on them]\nTrinity: The Shepherd and the Light, and His Word lifted me up And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go.\nCartman: [listening backstage, moves away a big] Dammit! If we're gonna sell our hot Christian album, we have got to get on that stage! [a group of men walk by]\nSanctified member 1: Hey is this the way to the backstage?\nCartman: Who are you?\nSanctified member 1: We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.\nSanctified member 2: Yeah. We proved that Christian music can be tough and hard core.\nCartman: Yeah, you guys are real hardcore.\nSanctified member 1: You bet your gosh-darned rear end we are!\nStage Hand: [stepping in] All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys are up next.\nSanctified member 3: Yeah! Let's do it!\nSanctified member 2: Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory!\nCartman: Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa play with you before you go onstage.\nSanctified member 2: Well, that, that's cool.\nSanctified member 1: Always good to be praying before you're playin'.\nCartman: [edges over to a storage room with an open door] Let's just go over here so we can hear ourselves better. [enters. The members of Sanctified follow him in] Lord, Father in Heaven, we thank you for all your blessings and we... [quickly runs out and locks the band in, then props a chair up against the doorknob so the band can't get out]\nButters: Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out. [a shot of the stadium's exterior, then of the stands and stage]\nMC: All right, Christians, how are you feeling tonight? [the crowd cheers]\nFans: Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!\nMC: Let's keep this salvation train going with the hot band, Sanctified!\nStage Hand: [walks up and whispers] That's Faith + 1.\nMC: Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change. Give it up for ... Faith + 1! [steps away as the house lights converge on the group. They begin to play]\nCartman: You know, Jesus? I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song. I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me [the fans sway back and forth] I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby! You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right? What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby! Your love... is my life! You know when I'm without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh! I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. The MOOP boys are still sitting on the steps, sulking, striking.\nStan: [sighs] Dude, I didn't know being in a band was gonna be this tough.\nKyle: Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like these that... you see what your band is made of. We've gotta fight through the rough times like Journey!\nField reporter: [the News 4 crew is still there, too] Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play, and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on. In a recent poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet. One percent said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven percent said, \"Who the hell is MOOP?!\" Back to you, Tom.\nLars Ulrich: [the guys from Metallica approach] Hey, are you the guys protesting free Internet music downloading?\nStan: [awed] Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!\nLars Ulrich: That's right. Metallica is behind you dudes a thousand percent!\nJames Hetfield: We're gonna sit here and protest with you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!\nField reporter: Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette, Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens of others are going to join MOOP in not playing music. This is a veritable Strikapalooza!\nScene Description: Faith Records. Doves fly across the view. The building is bathed in bright sunlight.\nCEO: Guys, we here at Faith Records were very moved by your performance at Christfest. You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard!\nCartman: Thank you so much. Christ has really blessed us with talent.\nButters: [tickled by Cartman's line] Heeheeheeyeah.\nExecutive 1: [looking at some papers, starts off hesitantly] We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh... \"I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two./I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you.'\" It...it seems you really love Christ.\nCartman: Yes, we sure do.\nExecutive 1: Eh no but it appears you are actually... in love with Christ. [the boys look at each other confused]\nCartman: [turns the tables] Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ??\nExecutive 1: [on the defensive] Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-\nCartman: Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ, I mean, uh, what the heck is this??\nExecutive 1: Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God, and not for the money.\nCartman: I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now.\nButters: [slowly moves away] Uhm, oh. [leaves his chair]\nExecutive 1: That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold.\nScene Description: Commercial. A partly-cloudy sky is shown.\nAnnouncer: K-tal Records [its logo descends from the sky and drops below the screen] presents the most inspirational Christian rock band in the world! Faith + 1, [The CD cover appears] featuring the very best in good, wholesome Christian music.\nCartman: Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know I miss you so much when you are gone.\nAnnouncer: [speaking over Cartman] With great inspirational songs like \"I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday,\"\nCartman: Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday.\nCartman: I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!\nAnnouncer: [a shot of a home library, with fireplace and the CD propped on an end table] The CD is filled with instant classics. Who doesn't remember... [the titles scroll by: \"The Body of Christ,\" \"Christ Again,\" \"A Night With the Lord,\" \"Touch Me Jesus,\" \"I Found Jesus (With Someone Else),\" \"Savior Self,\" \"Christ, What a Day,\" \"Three Times My Savior,\" \"Jesus Touched Me\"]\nCartman: The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned! The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own! You're one time, two times, three times my Savior... Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot...\nAnnouncer: [\"Quantities Limited!!!\" cycles on the screen] This album is not available in stores and limited quantities are available, so order now!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Various musical acts, some of them from Chef Aid, have gathered to strike against free music downloads with MOOP, including the Lord of the Underworld!\nStan: I can't take this much longer. Maybe we're just, not cut out to be in a band.\nKyle: You guys, we can't give up on our dreams now! As soon as this strike ends, we're gonna be the biggest band ever!\nLars: Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free!\nKyle: I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute that people have agreed to stop. [a vehicle is heard pulling up. It's a U.S. Mail van. The driver steps out and approaches the crowd]\nDriver: Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?\nKyle: [steps down to get the letter] That's us! [the driver hands him the letter and leaves. Kyle opens the envelope and reads] \"Dear MOOP. This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies.\"\nStan: What??\nKyle: \"We cordially invite you to attend the platinum album award ceremony, which will be held tomorrow morning at ten. Details and proof of sales enclosed. P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha.\" [stands silently for a moment, then hands the letter to Stan and walks forth a bit] He did it. Cartman got a platinum album.\nStan: Is this for real?? This is for real!\nKyle: He beat us. Because all this time we've been so caught up with how to protect our music that we forgot to just play.\nLars: But why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars?\nKyle: [turns around and addresses the crowd] Because that's what real artists do. People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free. If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening.\nStan: [joins Kyle and faces the crowd] Besides, maybe our songs would have gotten downloaded for free, but if they were good songs then people still would have bought tickets to see our band in concert. [shots of Rick James, Ozzy, Britney and two other acts.]\nKyle: From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music! We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?! [grins, but gets no response]\nBritney: ...We're just about the money.\nOther acts: Yeah, yeah.\nKyle: [casts his eyes down] Oh.\nStan: So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman? Are you- gonna pay 'im?\nKyle: I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna swallow my pride, face Cartman, and say \"Congratulations. You were right.\" And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars. And hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it.\nScene Description: Platinum album award ceremony, South Park, next day. Cartman has spent plenty of money to make this possible. He brings forth a parade complete with elephants, clowns, jugglers, a marching band, carnival rides, the works. Cartman stands on stage with Token and Butters before a curtain with a large image of his album cover printed on it.\nCartman: Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy! The presentation should begin shortly.\nToken: Cartman, what the hell is all this?\nCartman: Our platinum album ceremony. I spared no expense.\nToken: But you spent all the money we made!\nCartman: We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, black asshole. [addresses the milling crowd] There's hors d'oeuvres and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive and join Cartman onstage] Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!\nKyle: Let's just get this over with, Cartman. You won the bet, here's ten dollars.\nCartman: [deferring] Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold on. [grabs the mic and addresses the crowd] Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the crowd cheers wildly]\nA fan: We like to praise Christ!\nCartman: Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise Him. I think we're ready to start now. [Kyle is awfully pissed. A technician lowers a lever and stage lights bathe the boys]\nAnnouncer: [a power chord is played, with angelic accompaniment added] Welcome to the presentation ceremony for Faith Plus One. [the crowd cheers] And now to present the award, here's Michael Collins. [he walks up with a plaque]\nKyle: This is the worst day of my life.\nCartman: Ahhh, this is the best day of my life. [basks in the moment]\nMichael Collins: Boys, in recognition for over one million records sold, the Christian Recording Industry is pleased to present you with this Myrrh album. [presents the album plaque to Cartman. The crowd cheers]\nCartman: [takes the album] Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?\nStan: I thought albums win either gold or platinum.\nMichael Collins: Nono, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations!\nKyle: Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album! I don't owe you anything, fat boy!\nCartman: You mean to tell me I can never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?!\nMichael Collins: No, but you can go double myrrh. [Kyle walks off and Cartman gets pissed]\nCartman: GOD DAMMIT!! [throws his plaque onto the ground, where it shatters. The myrrh album falls away and the crowd is stunned]\nMichael Collins: [tries to calm Cartman down] Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name in vain.\nCartman: Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!\nMichael Collins: But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.\nCartman: OH, FUCK JESUS!! [deep gasp from the crowd. A woman screams loudly in disbelief]\nButters: Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F-word about-uh Jesus.\nToken: Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.\nCartman: [pounces onto him] Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! Fuck Jesus! [The crowd screams in disbelief and scatters about]\nA Man: My ears are bleeding!\nToken: Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!\nCartman: Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole!\nScene Description: Token has had enough of that. He smacks Cartman with a left fist, a right fist, and a kick to the head. Cartman is laid out on his back and Token walks away. Cartman rises, but ends up on all fours coughing. A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. They turn to leave.\nStan: Hm. Guess he got what he deserved.\nScene Description: They walk away, leaving Butters. Cartman is still coughing and Butters is unsure what to do. He rubs his fists past each other tentatively. Then he farts on Cartman's head and flips him off.\nButters: Fuck you, Eric. [He walks away.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Farmer's Market, Day. A crowd is gathered under this banner and listens to Father Maxi as he delivers a service.\nFather Maxi: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver. [the four boys are shown in their funeral best]\nCartman: [yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.\nKyle: [jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died!\nCartman: Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.\nFather Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple \"man walks into a bar\" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again. [screeching tires are heard]\nMr. Garrison: [rushing into the crowd] Look out!! [everyone turns to see. An elderly driver approaches them]\nElderly driver: [somewhat short, nearsighted] Huh? Was that a stop sign back there? [the banner recedes behind him. Everyone screams and the driver begins mowing people down. He crashes into a light standard at the other end of the market] Ooooh, I think I hit a pothole.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. The family is eating dinner.\nStan: Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive?\nRandy: Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.\nStan: But they kill people.\nRandy: Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan. We can't just take their licenses away.\nMarvin: [enters in his motorized wheelchair] I'll be Goddamned if they think they can take my license away! [stops at his place at table]\nSharon: Oooh, Hi Dad.\nMarvin: [to Randy] I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors! Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill!\nRandy: Yes Dad.\nMarvin: And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II!\nRandy: Yes I know.\nMarvin: And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive!\nStan: I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die.\nScene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A lone man is fishing in the middle of the pond. He senses something ominous and looks around. On the road nearby, a brown Buick drives by slowly. A short old woman is at the wheel.\nElderly man: Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet!\nMona: No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way. [back at the pond the fisherman casts his line and looks back at the car]\nElderly man: You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!\nMona: Less miles means less gas, you old fool. [back at the pond the fisherman catches something and is reeling it in, but looks at the car in doing so]\nElderly man: There's Country Kitchen right there!\nMona: Where?\nElderly man: Right there! You're gonna miss it! [the woman steps hard on the brake and spins the car out of control. The fisherman is about to put his catch into his little boat. The car smashes through the guard rail over a bridge and lands directly on the fisherman, killing him.]\nMona: Is this the parking lot?\nElderly man: I think so.\nScene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the Montage.\nAnchor: Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman, who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, though no decision has yet to be made.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors have gathered there for a meeting.\nMarvin: Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell!\nSeniors: [randomly] Yeah!\nElderly woman 1: [rises] I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!\nElderly man 1: [waving his cane] We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore!\nSeniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete!\nMarvin: That's right! Now, ...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about? [everyone seems to have lost a clue] Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting, but I... can't for the life of me re-\nElderly woman 2: [rises] Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No? [sits down]\nElderly man 2: [seated behind a walker] Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away!\nSeniors: [randomly, suddenly animated] Yeah! Yeah! That's right!\nMarvin: That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away! And I, for one, am mad as hell!\nSeniors: [randomly] Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too!\nElderly woman 1: I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!\nMarvin: So now, what are we gonna do about it?\nElderly man 3: Do about what?\nElderly woman 3: They're gonna take our licenses away.\nElderly woman 1: They are?? They can't do that! [brief argument ensues]\nMarvin: That's right. So you know what I think we should do? I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting! Get all the seniors together at the community center and unite!\nElderly man 3: Great idea, Marvin!\nElderly woman 4: Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now.\nMarvin: ...Oh, right, this is the meeting.\nElderly man 4: Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!\nSeniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon and Shelly are making construction paper cutouts in the kitchen. Shelly has finished some eyes.\nRandy: [steps into the kitchen] Sharon, have you seen Dad?\nSharon: He's not here, hon. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center.\nRandy: Oh. [steps back out] Wait a minute. If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out...\nSharon: Every senior in town will be driving home...\nRandy: [with rising alarm] At the same time. [closeup] Oh My God!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. People are milling around. Randy runs into the scene.\nRandy: Get inside! Get inside! [people begin taking heed] Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets! [everyone moves off the streets in panic]\nSomeone: Oh my Goddd!\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors exit the center and head for their cars.\nMarvin: [amid the crowd] All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime.\nElderly woman 1: So long, everybody.\nElderly man 5: Goodbye, Missy. [other seniors say their goodbyes. They drive off slowly, some bumping into other cars on their way out]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, at the farmer's market. Randy runs in.\nRandy: Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Old people are driving! [everyone runs off in a panic. Randy finds Gerald and grabs him] Gerald! Where are the boys?!\nGerald: We've gotta get out of here!\nRandy: The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!\nGerald: They, they're... they're playing street hockey!\nRandy: [closeup] Oh My God!! [lets Gerald go and runs off]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and the boys are playing street hockey. Cartman is the goalie, a trashcan his goal.\nCartman: [providing his own play-by-play] With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move. Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid. The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again [the ball bounces off Cartman's girth], proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!\nKyle: It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.\nCartman: I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.\nRandy: [in the distance] GET OFF THE STREETS! [Cartman perks up a bit] GET OFF THE STREETS! [the other boys listen, then turn to face the source of the sound]\nKyle: Dude, look!\nRandy: [running across empty fields] GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!\nStan: What is that?\nKyle: I don't know.\nRandy: [coming closer] GET OFF... GET OFF THE STREET!\nKyle: Dude, is that your dad?\nStan: I think so.\nCartman: Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.\nRandy: -STREETS!! OFF-\nStan: What is he saying?\nKyle: I can't understand him.\nRandy: GAAAAAH!!\nCartman: [slowly] Calm down! We cannot understand you!\nKenny: [Looks to his right] (Ohhhhh, look!) [a phalanx of slow-moving cars cruises down the street towards them] (You guys!)\nStan: Oh! [drops his hockey stick and holds his hands to his face]\nCartman: Old people!\nRandy: [scoops them up and away] Come on! [the cars get closer, Randy and the boys head for a an abandoned lodge]\nCartman: Oh God, they're coming! [the other boys mutter other things]\nScene Description: The Lodge. The group enters, Randy shuts and blocks the doors.\nRandy: Get over there! Stay low! [the boys go to the far wall and turn around]\nKyle: Why are they all out driving at the same time?\nRandy: Shhhh! [lowers the blinds, closed them, and peeks out. Seeing nothing, he closes the blinds and sighs in relief] It's okay, boys. They're gone. Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find- [a blue car crashes through the large picture window the blinds were covering and stops. Randy jumps in alarm] AWWWW!!\nElderly driver: [a man] I don't remember there being a building here.\nRandy: RUN! [they all gather at a corner, but another car crashes through the wall]\nElderly passenger: [a woman] I told you to turn left, Larry.\nRandy: Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come on! Come on!! [he and the boys run up the stairs]\nKyle: Aah! There's another one!\nRandy and the Boys: AAAHH!!\nElderly driver: [follows them up the stair in her car] Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue? [Randy and the boys reach the second floor]\nRandy: In here! [Randy opens a door and a bloody body drops down, dangling by its feet. They move on to the next room and close the door]\nCartman: They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!\nRandy: Quiet! Keep quiet! [a few seconds of silence pass]\nStan: Dad, I'm scared.\nRandy: Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here. We'll stay the whole winter if we have to. [looks for a light switch to flip on]\nStan: I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore!\nRandy: Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights. Here we go. [finds the switch and flips them on, revealing a car]\nElderly driver: How the hell did we get up here?\nRandy and the boys: AAAAAAAHH!! [quickly exit the room]\nElderly passenger: I told you this was the wrong way!\nScene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage.\nField Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time, causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage.\nScene Description: DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says \"Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive.\" Two men and a woman sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them.\nDMV official: [seated in the middle, takes a license from an elderly man] Alrighty. [cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [a fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker]\nElderly man 2: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life!\nElderly woman 6: That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us. [the senior with the walker leaves the table]\nDMV official: We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [cuts up another license] There we go.\nElderly man 6: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?\nDMV official: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?\nElderly man 7: Some of us would rather die!\nDMV official: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.\nElderly woman 7: We aren't second-class citizens!\nElderly man 8: That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride!\nAn Elderly Man: Yeah...\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. The boys leave the house.\nCartman: Ooooh, isn't this great you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?\nMarvin: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.\nStan: Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.\nMarvin: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!\nKyle: [to the other boys] Well, look at it this way: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.\nCartman: My God, he's right. [the boys climb in, strap themselves in, and Cartman offers a quick prayer] Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Marvin starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [a few moments later] Except for you, Kyle.\nMarvin: Okay, all set? [he backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The boys wince at every accident]\nKenny: (Oooooo my God!) [a police cruiser catches up to them]\nStan: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.\nMarvin: Eh? [signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron!\nBarbrady: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!\nCartman: I believe that's us... thank God. [Marvin pulls over to the side and stops. Barbrady stops as well and approaches the driver side.]\nBarbrady: Could I see your license, please?\nMarvin: I ain't got one! You peckers took it!\nBarbrady: Well then, I have to take you to jail.\nMarvin: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!\nScene Description: The police jail. Marvin sits behind bars with a cane.\nMarvin: Stupid son of a- God damnit!\nBarbrady: I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh.\nRandy: Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look at you now!\nMarvin: Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch!\nRandy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!\nMarvin: Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve.\nRandy: We're not treating you like children, Dad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [wags his left index finger at Marvin] Who's the sorry-sorry?\nMarvin: Kiss my sagging ass!\nRandy: Well fine. I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!\nMarvin: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!\nStan: What's that?\nMarvin: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' discriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! [points to Randy] And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!\nScene Description: Mr. garrison's Classroom, day. He is giving a history lesson to the class.\nMr. Garrison: And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a \"Mongol,\" not to be confused with a \"mongoloid\" like the actor, Nicolas Cage. Okay now, who can tell me in what [notices something outside and goes to the window, his voice fading off] the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid...\nMr. Garrison: [What he sees is elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the school grounds. The kids' eyes follow him and then the kids gather at the window with him] That's odd. [the AARP has landed] Those ROTC guys are way off course. [the paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload some firearms]\nCartman: More old people!\nStan: The American Association of Retired Persons.\nMr. Garrison: Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back.\nAARP leader: Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta!\nAARP member 1: [a heavyset woman] Bravo Team is go.\nAARP member 2: [a light-skinned black man] Move! Move! Move!\nAARP member 3: [a woman in purple dress] Let's go! Let's go! [Mr. Garrison comes out to meet them.]\nMr. Garrison: Uh, can I help you folks find something? [the woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semi-automatic.] Oowww! [goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semi-automatics, whatever. The kids look on and gasp]\nCartman: Old people gone mad!\nScene Description: U.S. Geological Service. Randy sits at his desk making notes when he hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. He spins around in his chair to see more AARP paratroopers. He rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. Randy starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks.\nAARP member: [woman wearing a flower-design dress] Contact. [quickly aims her machine gun at Randy] Put your hands up, young man!\nScene Description: South Park Jail. Marvin is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters the jail and approach the cell.\nAARP leader: Marvin Marsh?\nMarvin: [turns around] Yes?\nAARP leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.\nMarvin: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.\nStewart: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.\nScene Description: Shady Acres, a Retirement Community. The AARP has arrived.\nAARP leader: [a black man] It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades!\nScene Description: Shady Acres, inside\nMale nurse: There now, Mr. Johnson. [wheels a senior across the room] We can go to the cafeteria and get you some creamed corn and toast. [the front doors swing open and the nurse stops in his tracks. The AARP members swarm in] Can I help you?\nAARP leader: Help this! [jams the butt of his gun into the nurse, and the nurse falls.] The revolution is on, brother! [hands Mr. Johnson a semi-automatic] We're taking control of the town!\nMr. Johnson: Well, alright, well it's about damn time! [addresses the nursing home residents] Hey everyone, we're taking the town. [other seniors look at him and express their approval]\nScene Description: The television room. More seniors there are watching TV.\nAARP member: [enters with the black leader] Seniors, we're taking the town over.\nAARP leader: The revolution is on! [walks away]\nElderly woman: The revolution?\nElderly man: Oh, I'd better get my other sweater. [goes to change while the others leave the room]\nScene Description: A convalescent room.\nA nurse: [distributing weapons] Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun?\nMrs. Wyland: Oh, I suppose so.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. One of the members brings Randy forward.\nRandy: What the hell is going on?!\nAARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there! [Randy joins Gerald and other adult hostages]\nGerald: Randy, what is this?\nStewart: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!\nMarvin: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!\nRandy: Dad, what are you doing??\nMarvin: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!\nElderly woman: [in dark-blue dress] Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!\nAARP leader: [black] That's right.\nElderly man: Yeah.\nMan in Vest: [handcuffed in front] Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.\nStewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!\nMan in vest: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that. [the elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at the man point blank. The man falls down dead]\nMarvin: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?\nStewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!\nRandy: This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!\nMarvin: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!\nScene Description: South Park, day. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. Mrs. Wyland stands behind some sandbags with her IV unit.\nMarvin: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.\nAARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.\nStewart: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!\nAARP lookout: [a black woman] We've got company! [the military arrives]\nTank driver: [over a PA system] Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!\nStewart: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.\nMrs. Applegate: [holding an RPG launcher] All right. [fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers]\nTank driver: What do you want?\nStewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh??\nMarvin: We want our licenses back!\nOther seniors: Yeah!\nElderly woman: That's right. And we want more money in Medi-Care!\nOther seniors: Yeah!\nElderly man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk!\nOther seniors: Yeah!\nScene Description: Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Randy is one of those warming his hands over a fire. He moans. The boys arrive, having not been arrested.\nStan: Hey Dad.\nRandy: [runs to the fence] Stan! Boys! You're safe!\nStan: Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?\nRandy: They've tried to stop them, son, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake!\nKyle: They're saying something about taking over the entire country.\nRandy: [exasperated] Yes. And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute. You boys! You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them!\nStan: No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it?\nRandy: No, son. We... like to sleep in.\nAn elderly woman: Two hostages come front and center! [Randy looks back, alarmed].\nRandy: They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you! Run to the hills and find a way to fight them! Go!! [the boys turn and leave] Boys, avenger me! AVENGE ME!!\nScene Description: The woods. The boys have set up a little camp there for the night.\nStan: All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town. The old people have blockades here [south entrance] and here [west entrance]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office.\nCartman: So our only solution is to cut off their life force.\nKyle: We can't fight them, Cartman.\nCartman: No. But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [runs his finger along the map to its destination] Here.\nKyle: Country Kitchen Buffet?\nCartman: Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do.\nKyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman!\nCartman: Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs. And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.\nStan: Yeah, I remember hearing about that.\nKyle: Even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down?\nCartman: I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight.\nCartman: We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people. [they appear from the sides of buildings dressed in black and then gather in front of one of them] At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town. [they head for a train at the South Park Train Station and climb into a caboose. Kenny pulls on the horn] Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office[the elderly guards sleep standing up and fail to take notice of any sound] and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed.\nCartman: Nine o'clock: we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest. We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside.\nScene Description: Cartman does all the strapping, and he brings out a remote-control trigger as Kyle approaches the restaurant's front door. He presses the button and the buffet blows up. Kyle's charred hat drops back in front of the boys. The boys cheer.\nCartman: Yeah!\nStan: All right!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nCartman: Aw yeah!\nStan: We did it! [Cartman is finished and the others look at him like he's crazy]\nStan: ...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in.\nCartman: Well, right, or we could always do that.\nScene Description: South Park, day. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery.\nStewart: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out!\nAARP Members: [amid other cheers] All right!\nMarvin: Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back.\nStewart: [puts hand to ear] Huh?? [lowers his hand] Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!\nMarvin: Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile?\nStewart: [approaches the front door of Country Kitchen Buffet] Come on, everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2! [tries to get the doors open, but finds they're locked. He scratches his head] What the heck? [checks again, but the doors remain locked] Huh? What is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen should be open!\nElderly man 9: It's not open? It has to be! [each man takes a door and tries to open it, but the doors won't budge]\nElderly man 10: Try a window.\nElderly man 11: [bangs on a window, to no avail] They're blocked from the inside.\nStewart: No... [bangs frantically on the double doors] Let us in! Let us in!\nElderly man 9: Open the door! It's six a.m. [the other seniors come up and bang on the windows]\nElderly woman: Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us!\nElderly man: You have to let us in! [a few hours later and all the seniors are sprawled out on the snow. One of them is still trying to crawl. A few more hours and all movement has stopped]\nArmy official: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [walks up to the boys] That was a great strategy, boys. You may very well have saved this entire country. [Randy and Sharon arrive rubbing their eyes. Gerald and Sheila arrive also]\nRandy: Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?\nArmy Official: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.\nStewart: [two soldiers escort his fatigued self away] Country Kitchen... wha-what happened?\nSoldier: [one of two escorting Marvin] Sir, what should we do with this one?\nArmy official: It's up to the townspeople.\nRandy: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.\nStan: Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault!\nRandy: Huh?\nStan: Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.\nMarvin: That's right.\nStan: And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.\nMarvin: I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.\nRandy: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family. People died, but we all grew a little. Let's just go home.\nMarvin: Sure. I'll drive.\nRandy: [laughs and goes to wheel Marvin off] That's our Grandpa. [both men and Sharon laugh]\nStan: [to his friends] Dude, I hate my family. [looks down embarrassed and walks away]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman watch TV from the couch. Cartman is eating a bowl of chips.\nStan: Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.\nCartman: Maybe he caught a disease and died. That'd be so awesome.\nStan: Dude that's not funny. You shouldn't joke about that.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nCartman: Who's joking? [a door opens and closes offscreen]\nKyle: [enters excitedly, his arms up in the air] You guys! You guys! I have awesome news!\nCartman: You have AIDS?\nKyle: No. This Saturday, for my birthday, my Mom says she's takin' me to Casa Bonita, in Denver, and I get to invite three friends!\nCartman: [stands up] Wow! Casa Bonita?!\nKenny: [stands up] (Woo-hoo!)\nStan: [stands up] What's Casa Bonita?\nCartman: Dude, haven't you ever been there?! It's a big Mexican restaurant where they have, like, cliff jumpers and Black Bart's Cave and [holds out his hand wide] all kinds of stuff!\nKyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants.\nCartman: This Saturday! Awesome! [begins to sing to \"La Cucaracha\"] Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Food and fun in a festive atmosphere. [begins to snap his fingers] Casa Bonita!\nKyle: Who said I'm inviting you? [this freezes Cartman for a few seconds]\nCartman: You... your Mom said you could take three friends.\nKyle: Yes. Three friends. You're not my friend.\nCartman: Wuh ih uh... Weh come on, Kyle, who the hell else are you gonna take besides Stan and Kenny?\nKyle: I'm gonna take Butters. He invited me to his birthday party last month, so I owe him one.\nCartman: Butters?! You're gonna take THAT butt hole?! Why?!\nKyle: Because Butters isn't a total dick to me!\nCartman: I have never been a dick to you.\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!\nCartman: Kyle, when have I ever ripped on you for being a Jew?\nKyle: [thinks back and counts the number of times Cartman has ripped on him for being a Jew][in the playground. Craig is there instead of Kenny] Oh yeah?! Well you're a stupid Jew![in the playground, by the school's back doors] You're a Jew![in Cartman's room. Cartman is wearing a crown] Shut your God-damned Jew mouth![at Kyle's house, on the front steps] Good job, Jew![singing the Dreidel song with Kyle's family and Stan] Jew...[leaving his seat in class] Shut up, Jew![at Cartman's house, with outfits] You're Jewish!![seated on a curb with the other boys] Dude, he's Jewish![staking out a house] Jew![on Nightline, seated next to Stan] Jew![in Cartman's dining room] Jew![at the side of a road, with Tweek and with their parents] Jew![next to stacks of lumber, as Kyle is about to whack him] Jew![at a barn, through a hole on the roof] Jew![Stan's room. Kyle reads a Bible] Jew?![At the Costa Rican rainforest, during practice] \"I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm.\" \"Fuck off, Cartman!\"\nCartman: [Cartman thinks back as well] Okay, except maybe for that one time.\nKyle: You've always been a dick to me, Cartman, and I'm not inviting you. [turns and walks away, but Cartman stays close]\nCartman: Kyle, you don't understand! Casa Bonita is my most favorite place [Kyle turns around] in the whole world. I'll just, I'll just die if you don't take me! Please! [holds his hands together in a sign of pleading]\nKyle: [crosses his arms and avoids Cartman's eyes] Sorry, my mind's made up.\nCartman: [turns irate and flips him off] Well fuck you, Kyle!! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway! I'd rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day! [shoves the middle finger close to Kyle's face] Kiss my balls, asshole!!! [turns and walks away. The front door opens, closes, and opens again. Cartman returns and apologizes] Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. You know, I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but, I think it was good and we-we've moved past it.\nKyle:: [clearly annoyed now] I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.\nCartman: [turns irate and flips him off again] Well fuck you, Kyle!! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!! [turns and walks away. The front door opens, then closes]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman sleeps...\nCartman: Casa Bonita! Come on, you guys! [waves them on. Next scene is him getting a large platter of food] Oh, awesome!! [next scene is him waving his friends to a cave] Come on, you guys! Black Bart's Cave! [next scene is him by a waterfall] Wow, cliff divers! [a cliff diver takes a dive from the top of the waterfall. Next scene is Cartman on his third dish] More sopapillas, please! [next scene has him dancing in front of a low stage, on which a mariachi quartet plays its songs. An image of Kyle floats through his dream]\nKyle: I'm not inviting you, Cartman. You can't go.\nCartman: [with more foods on his plates, the dream dissolves. He's pulled up and away] No! Noooo! [he's pulled out of Casa Bonita and floats away] Casa Bonita! Noooo! [startled out of his dream] AAAAH!! [catches his breath] Oh... God-damnit, I have to get invited to go! I'm just gonna have to start being nice to Kyle!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, next day. Cartman approaches the front door in a nice sweater and rings the bell. Kyle answers.\nCartman: [looking quite presentable] Hi Kyle. [smiles]\nKyle: [studies Cartman a bit, but isn't impressed] That isn't it, Cartman.\nCartman: What isn't it?\nKyle: That's not being nice! That's just putting on a nice sweater!\nCartman: ...I don't understand the difference.\nKyle: I know you don't. [steps back and slams the door on Cartman's face]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids head for class: Bill, Craig, Wendy, then Jimmy. Cartman enters and rounds the corner, sees Jimmy and runs up to him.\nCartman: Jimmy! Hey Jimmy, wait up! [Annie and Red walk by at the far end of the hall. Jimmy stops] Dude, uh I need your help on something.\nJimmy: Well, sure, Eric. W-w-what seems to be the p-p-p-problem?\nCartman: Well, everybody likes you, Jimmy, a-and you seem to be really good with people, so, I was wondering if you could tell me, how \"do\" you act nice to people?\nJimmy: Well, the best thing is not to act nice, Eric. Uh, the best thing is to be genuinely nice.\nCartman: Okay, so how do you act genuinely nice to people?\nJimmy: Well, Eric, pah part of being nice is just making people smile and laugh. The best way to do that is by telling a fan-tastic joke or a humorous anti-d- ant'duhh ...anecdote.\nCartman: Like what?\nJimmy: Well, like, try this one on for size: Knock knock.\nCartman: Who's there?\nJimmy: Ing-mar ...Bergman. [Cartman jumps, but not because of the joke. Kyle approaches them from the other end of the hall.] Now you say, \"Ingmar Bergman who?\" [Cartman quickly punches Jimmy in the face]\nCartman: Take that, Jimmy! [strikes him again, and Jimmy falls away] And that! And don't you ever talk bad about Kyle again! [Kyle stops by and looks. Cartman glances at him] Kyle is my friend! And if you say you had sex with his mom one more time, I'm gonna really let you have it! You hear me?! [looks at Kyle] Oh, Kyle. Hey.\nKyle: Do you really think that beating up a handicapped kid is being nice? [turns and walks on his way]\nCartman: Uh... [turns and runs towards Kyle] He-hey Kyle! Knock knock. [follows him around the corner] Knock knock, Kyle!\nScene Description: The school cafeteria. Cartman is looking at a picture. A tear wells up in his left eye. The picture's frame reads \"I Had A Good Time at CASA BONITA,\" and the picture within is one of Cartman, his mom, and the mariachis in the background. He hears Kyle's excited voice.\nKyle: Yeah, Casa Bonita, this Saturday! [approaches a table with Kenny, Stan, and Butters]\nButters: Wow, that's gonna be so fun!\nStan: Yeah, it'll be awesome. Just the four of us.\nKenny: (Yeah!) [Cartman sits at his own table, alone.]\nScene Description: The school hall, the bell rings. Red and Annie walk one way, Kyle and Craig the opposite way. Keven opens up his locker. Kyle stops at his locker, and Cartman walks up.\nCartman: Hey Kyle.\nKyle: Well?\nCartman: Well what?\nKyle: How are you going to try to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?\nCartman: I'm not, Kyle. I know you already told Butters he could go.\nKyle: Oh. Well... yeah. I, I did.\nCartman: So, fine, Kyle, but honestly, I never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a, a lot together, and... maybe that alone doesn't make us friends, but it makes us something. So, ...whatever, you know, just... ah I hope... things will be cool.\nKyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.\nCartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see ya later. [turns and walks away]\nKyle: Eh... hey, Cartman? [Cartman turns around] You really don't care that you can't go?\nCartman: I care, sure, but I hope it doesn't mean you and me and Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.\nKyle: That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you all along. Ah uh I still have to take Butters, but... I hope things can be cool too.\nCartman: Good.\nKyle: And, and hey, if for some reason Butters can't go to Casa Bonita, you can take his place.\nCartman: Sweet, whatever. [walks on, then mouths to himself] Bingo!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, Friday night. Cartman leads Butters into his bedroom.\nButters: What's this all about, Eric?\nCartman: [leads him to a telescope, then turns] Butters, can you keep a secret?\nButters: Well, sure I can!\nCartman: For the past five days I've been looking out into space for a school project. This morning, at 3:45 a.m. I... caught first sight of something terrible.\nButters: Nnn-how terrible?\nCartman: A meteor. A meteor the size of Wyoming, heading right for earth.\nButters: What?? [begins rubbing his hands together nervously]\nCartman: Now look, ah I could be wrong. I ...pray that I'm wrong, but, I just want you to take a look and... see what you think. [backs up and looks through the eyepiece] Do you see anything?\nButters: I just see stars. [Cartman hops onto a chair and fishes in his left jacket pocket. He pulls out a wad of junk hanging from a string]\nCartman: Keep looking. Sometimes it takes your eyes a minute to adjust.\nButters: Nope, uh I don't see any... [Cartman holds up the wad against the objective lens] Oh wait. Oh my God! I see it. I see it! It's a meteor! Oh my God!\nCartman: Oh my God! Does it look like it's getting closer? [Butters looks through again and Cartman holds up the wad, moving it closer to the objective lens.]\nButters: It is! It is getting closer! Oh my God!\nCartman: Oh my God! That meteor is the size of Wyoming and it's on a collision course for Earth.\nButters: When do you think uh it'll get here?\nCartman: I, I don't know, I, have to do some calculations. [heads for his desk and pulls out a calculator] 10 to the power of 1 base 9 divided by pi plus 5 minus 3. Oh Jesus.\nButters: What??\nCartman: According to my calculations, that meteor is going to hit Earth in less than four hours.\nButters: Oh, you mean we're gonna die?!\nCartman: No! No, Butters, we are going to live! Do you hear me?! We are going to live! We just... We've gotta find a bomb shelter!\nButters: Wha...? Where is there a bomb shelter??\nCartman: Stan's Uncle Jimbo! He has a bomb shelter in his backyard! Come on, Butters! Hurry! [heads out the door]\nButters: AAAAHH! [follows him out]\nScene Description: Jimbo's house. Cartman and Butters head for the bomb shelter.\nButters: Oh Jeez!\nCartman: Here we go! The bomb shelter's down here! [opens the shelter's lid]\nButters: [enters and climbs down the ladder within] Oh God! Oh Jesus! [Cartman watches him, then follows him down the ladder]\nCartman: [reaches the shelter floor] All right, we should be safe in here. This dried food and water should last us for weeks.\nButters: But what about everyone else? I have to tell my parents so they can come here, too.\nCartman: No! Butters! I can't let you risk it. I'll go up and get the others.\nButters: Are you sure?\nCartman: [looks away] I'm not sure of anything anymore. [turns and climbs up the ladder. He makes it out and looks down] Now Butters, listen: No matter what happens, no matter what you hear, do not come out! If I don't make it back in time with the others, then it will be up to you to repopulate the Earth.\nButters: But I'm the only one down here. What am I supposed to repopulate with?\nCartman: Well, you know, with your wiener. [Butters just stares back] Just stay down here until you hear word from me. And... pray, Butters... pray for all mankind. [leaves and closes the lid, then locks it]\nButters: [in darkness] Oh God, oh God!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, Saturday night. Stan and Kenny are dressed in stripes, Sheila waits in a fur coat, Kyle is in his Sunday best checking his watch.\nKyle: Where is Butters? We were supposed to leave here forty minutes ago.\nSheila: Well I think we better just go without him, Kyle. It's getting late.\nKyle: Yeah, screw him. Let's go. [the door bell rings and Kyle looks at the door] Oh, finally! [walks to get the door, but sees Cartman instead]\nCartman: [bearing a gift] Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just wanted to stop by and give you your present.\nKyle: Oh. Thanks, dude.\nCartman: Hope you have a good one. See you later. [turns around and walks toward the street]\nKyle: Oh wait. Cartman.\nCartman: Yes?\nKyle: Uh Butters didn't show. You wanna go to Casa Bonita with us?\nCartman: [enters the house] Butters didn't show? I I can't believe it. Uh are you sure you told him the right time and everything?\nKyle: I told him 5:30 and we gotta get going. You in?\nCartman: Well I... really would need to go home first and get my... Weh no no, I guess I have everything I need. Oh, okay, sure.\nKyle: All right, let's go.\nSheila: [heads for the front door] Okay, boys. Get in the car.\nCartman: [gets excited] Casa Bonita, here we come! Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita!\nSheila: [finds Butters' parents approaching] Oh, hello Chris, Linda.\nChris: [misty-eyed. Linda sobs silently] Hello everyone. Have any of you seen our son?\nKyle: Butters was supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita tonight.\nChris: We know, but... he hasn't been home since last night. The police have been looking everywhere, but... [Linda cries audibly] Well, thank you. Uh, please, let us know if you find out anything. [they leave. Linda is sobbing hard]\nLinda: Oh Butters!\nKyle: Aw dude, weak.\nCartman: [lowers his head and walks towards the front door] Yeah. Man, that sucks about Butters. [brightens up] Well, let's get going, shall we?\nKyle: Nah. Dude, I c-I can't go to have a birthday party while Butters is missing.\nStan: Yeah, it's kinda weird.\nCartman: [a little stunned] Ee-yeah yeah. I think you're right, but, on the other hand, I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters...\nKyle: Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.\nStan: Yeah.\nSheila: That's very good of you, boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita until next Saturday.\nCartman: Next Saturday?? I'll never be able to keep Butters in the... [catches himself and waits for a reaction. None comes] In the... depths of my heart for that long. I sure hope he... turns up before then.\nStan: Dude, we should check over at Stark's Pond. Butters always hangs out over there. [exits]\nKyle: Yeah. And then we can try the football field. [exits]\nSheila: I'll drive you boys. [exits]\nCartman: [left alone] Oh, God-damnit! How am I gonna keep Butters down in that bomb shelter for a whole week?!\nScene Description: South Park, Sunday. In front of the police station, Officer Barbrady stands by while one of his men issues the report to the crowd standing before the dais.\nYates: All right, folks, this is the little boy we're looking for: [holds up a picture of Butters] Leopold Stotch, also known as Butters. He's been missing for two days and was last seen at the school. Let's go find him.\nScene Description: The bomb shelter. Butters has found the light switch and is enjoying the rations stored on the shelves along the wall.\nButters: [reading some directions] \"Dried food rations. Add water to feed flavored square...\" [the lid opens up above him] Hello? [rises and looks up] Hello??\nCartman: [suddenly looks in, looking terribly roughed up] Butters!\nButters: [jumps back, startled] Hwaaaah!!\nCartman: Butters! Oh God, it was... It was horrible!\nButters: Wuh, wait, well, what happened??\nCartman: [faking fatigue] The meteor... struck the Earth sooner than I predicted. There was no time... no time...\nButters: What about my parents. Did you see them?\nCartman: There was mass confusion! Pa... panic! People were crawling all over each other in the streets! It was... awful! When it hit, millions were evaporated instantly. The rest of us... walking around in a... cloud of... toxic... radiation. [coughs]\nButters: [heads for the ladder and begins to climb] Oh my God, let me see!\nCartman: No Butters!! If you come up, you'll get infected too! You best wait for the radiation level to go down. Probably... next week sometime. After Saturday. Ugh...\nButters: [off the ladder] How many survivors are there? You should all come down here.\nCartman: We can't come down there, or else, we'll contaminate you, Butters. No... we just have to survive the best we can. [strains a bit, like he's gonna cough]\nButters: Wow... Eric, I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me.\nCartman: Thank me by living, Butters. Live. And... rebuild. [coughs] I've got to go. Remember, wait one week for the toxic levels to go down. On Saturday. [moves off] G-goodbye! [locks the lid down once again] All right. Just six days, Butters. Sit tight.\nScene Description: Police station, night. News 4 is covering another announcement by the police.\nField reporter: Tom, it has now been three days since the Stotch child has gone missing. Townspeople continue to search, but hope... is dwindling.\nYates: All right, folks. I wanna thank you for all your efforts. Three days is a long time, but we've got to keep going if we're gonna find him.\nCartman: [not spoken, he's thinking this while Yates speaks.] Heh you're not going to find him. Not until after Saturday when I go to Casa Bonita. [closes his eyes and begins anticipating. Three images come up. The first is of his waitress bringing him food, the second is of him dancing before a mariachi band, the third is of the cliff divers. He begins to dance while he daydream]\nYates: Many times in cases like these a child can trap themselves. It is important that we spread our search to duct pipes, wells, and bomb shelters. [Cartman's dance is rudely interrupted by this]\nCartman: What what what?\nYates: I say we need to move the search to ducts, wells, and bomb shelters. Let's move out, people! Every second counts! [the crowd breaks up and begins the search]\nCartman: UUuuugh!! [runs off]\nButters: But if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me.Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl, baby please don't go. Eh,Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl. [the shelter lid opens again] Eric? [rises and looks up the shaft] Eric, is that you?\nCartman: [scrambling down the ladder] Oh God! They're coming! They're coming! We gotta get out of here! They're coming this way!\nButters: Who's coming this way?\nCartman: The cannibals! Don't you know? The meteor destroyed all of society, Butters. Now Earth is ruled by packs of wild humans gone mad! Those of us who survived are now being hunted by flesh-starved cannibals!\nButters: Oh God! I hate cannibals!\nCartman: They're coming this way! I can hear them coming. They'll find you down here for sure. And when they do, they'll eat you alive.\nButters: Noooo!\nCartman: We've gotta get you out of here! Come on! Oh oh no wait, I forgot! The toxic radiation! Hey wait! We can use this box! [picks it up and promptly drops it over Butters so Butters can't see a thing.] There we go. This should keep you protected from the toxins.\nButters: But I can't see nothin'.\nCartman: Believe me, Butters, you don't wanna see what's up there. Now come on. I'll guide you to a safer location. [guides him to the ladder and nudges him up] There you go. Two more steps and you're at the top. [Butters climbs out] Good.\nButters: Are we out in the destruction?\nCartman: Yes. There's nothing but smoldering bodies all around you. Burnt out buildings, and what used to be our town.\nButters: Aw man.\nCartman: All right, this way, Butters. Just follow the sound of my voice. [walks off. Butters follows]\nScene Description: An open field, night. Butters and Cartman are walking through the field behind a row of houses, far enough away so that no sound can reach them.\nCartman: Right now we're walking by what used to be people's houses, now just smoldering burnt piles of rubble.\nButters: Huh... Oh, it's terrible.\nCartman: We're coming now to the crater where the meteor hit. A hole in the Earth over two miles in diameter.\nButters: Whoa!\nScene Description: The old gas station.\nCartman: Here we are at the old gas station. It survived a lot of the impact. We might be safe here. [steps to the other side and begins making noises, then steps back] Oh my God!\nButters: Whaaat??\nCartman: It's a cannibal! Stay back, cannibal! [steps to the other side and begins making noises, then steps back]\nButters: AAAAHH!\nCartman: We've got to fight them off! [jabs at the air a few times] Stay away from Butters! He's humanity's last hope! [makes \"cannibal\" noises] Awww! He bit me! He bit off my hand!!\nButters: Waaaaaah!\nCartman: [picks up a twig] Aw man, he's eating my hand like a piece of chicken! Can you hear the bones crack? [goes to Butters' other side and begins breaking off pieces of the twig as he makes more \"cannibal\" noises.]\nButters: Ooohhhh!\nCartman: Wait! Look here! There's a dead body with an axe in the back. I'll pull out the axe and use it to chop off the cannibal's head. Hunh! [swings it and kills the \"cannibal\"] Die! [one last jab, the \"cannibal\" \"croaks\" and it's over]\nButters: Ooooh, what happened? What happened?!\nCartman: [feigns exhaustion] The cannibal! The cannibal's dead, Butters! But he bit me, [checks out his hand] which means soon I will have a taste for human flesh as well.\nButters: Oh no!\nCartman: We have no choice, Butters! We have to lock you away somewhere where even I can't get to you!\nButters: Uh w-where??\nCartman: Look! There's an old refrigerator! [reaches it and opens it] Get inside, Butters! I'll break off the handle so nobody can get to you!\nButters: Aren't you coming?\nCartman: Too late for me. I can already feel my... body start to... change. [begins to \"change\"] No! Must... fight... it... Don't open this door for anybody, Butters! No matter what you hear, stay inside for four days! Here's some water and food from the shelter.\nButters: Eric, you're the ...best friend in the whole world. I... I love you.\nCartman: I love you too, man. I just [goes into spasms] You look so delicious! Must eat your brains! [lunges at Butters, who quickly closes the refrigerator door. Cartman walks up and rips off the door handle, then walks away chuckling to himself. A few seconds later a garbage truck backs up and removes the refrigerator from the gas station]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. Cartman is happily asleep in his bed and his alarm goes off.\nCartman: Hah! [turns off his bear alarm clock, hops out of bed cheerfully and skips to his wall calendar he made just for the occasion.] It's Wednesday! It's Wednesday! [crosses off Tuesday on his calendar] Only three more days till Casa Bonita. I'm gonna go through Black Bart's Cave first. No! I'm gonna watch the cliff divers first! Maybe if I tell them it's my birthday, they'll let me cliff-dive in the pool! [walks off to get dressed] Oh, that would be so bad-ass!\nScene Description: Park County Trash Dump, night. The refrigerator is now there and begins to heave. Butters kicks his way out of it, having run out of air.\nButters: [rises, catches his breath, and dusts himself off] Finally I can breathe a- [looks at the apparent devastation around him] Oh my God. Oh my God, the meteor took out everything! It's all destroyed. Nothing left. [walks forth] Hello? Are there any, are there any other survivors? Hello? Oh. That must have been where the library was. And that was probably the school. Hello? [rustling sounds are heard and he tenses up in fear, then softly] Oh. I forgot, I gotta watch out for radioactive cannibals. [more loudly] Is that a cannibal? Sir? Ma'am? [he watches, and a dog emerges from the rubble] Oh. Aww, it's a little dog. [approaches the mutt] Well, hello there, Mr. Dog. Looks like you and me are the only ones who survive the meteor, heh. We should stick together, huh, Mr. Dog? Well come on, we gotta start cleanin' up this mess, and rebuild this civilization. Boy, that meteor sure did make everything stinky. [walks into the rubble and begins his work]\nScene Description: South Park, day. On the highway, Sheila drives the boys towards their destination. All the boys are now wearing suits instead of sweaters. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny sit in the back seat.\nCartman: We're on our way to Casa Bonita! We're gonna be there very soon. You're gonna love Casa Bonita, Stan. There, there's this one part where you can dress up in Old Western clothes and get your photo taken in a fake jail.\nStan: Really?\nKyle: Yeah, it's pretty cool.\nCartman: [sniffs] \"Pretty cool.\" So, um, should we go to Black Bart's Cave first or watch the puppet show? I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times. And then we'll watch the cliff divers before the puppet show.\nStan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do.\nCartman: What? Fuck Kyle. [the others look at him in astonishment] Ha ha, j-just kidding, birthday joke. Of course we'll do whatever Kyle wants, uh. Happy Birthday, Kyle.\nCartman: Happy Birthday to you. Happy- [looks at the other boys for support]\nStan, Cartman, Kenny: Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Kyle. Happy Birthday to you. [they pass a missing person's billboard with Butters on it and South Park PD's phone number].\nScene Description: Park County Trash Dump, day. A worker drives into the dump in her truck and pulls out stuffed trash bags from the truck bed.\nButters: [off-screen] You take away the biggest part of me. [the worker listens, then goes to the source of the sound] Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, uh baby please don't go. [hums a bit; the worker arrives to see him sweeping] Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, I just had to find my say to you tan...\nWorker: Hello? [her name tag reads \"Irene.\"]\nButters: [quickly arms himself with the broom] HAAAAGH! Who are you? Are you infected?\nWorker: With what?\nButters: You're not a cannibal, are you?\nWorker: No?\nButters: Oh. [drops the broom and smiles] Oh good. You're a survivor, like me. Look, Mr. Dog, another survivor. And it's a lady, too. That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee!\nWorker: Kid, what are you doin' here?\nButters: I'm rebuilding society. Here, take a look. [moves off to his left, she follows. They pass a row of makeshift buildings that he built overnight] This is the library, and over here is the bank. That over there I'm thinking into a P.F. Chang's or a Bennigan's. And this [a statue that reads Cartman under it] is a memorial to Eric Cartman, the person who gave his life so that I could rebuild society. Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh? [promptly unzips and drops his pants, then steps forward.] I'm ready whenever you are.\nWorker: Kid, I don't know what you think is going on, but this place is a dump.\nButters: Hey, that's not very nice! This is my first society! I'm doin' my best!\nWorker: No, I mean you're at the garbage dump. The town is right over there, everybody is fine, and I think they've been looking for you for over a week.\nButters: [looks at her for a long time, then looks towards the town] Oh... [realizes he's been tricked, he looks down and pulls up his pants.] Ma'am, can I use your phone?\nScene Description: Casa Bonita, night. Sheila pulls into a parking space.\nCartman: We're here! We're here! Casa Bonita! [the boys climb out of the car] Aw man, this is gonna be so great!\nSheila: Wait up, Eric. We need to stay together. [Cartman stops and dances in place. A phone rings] Uh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. [fishes it out of her purse and answers it] Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! [to her charges] Boys, they found Butters. [Cartman stops dancing and his grin turns into panic] He's okay.\nKyle: Oh, awesome.\nStan: I knew he'd turn up.\nSheila: Yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? [her face turns stern] Oh really? [Cartman looks around for a way to escape]\nKyle: What?\nSheila: Yes, I will certainly let him know. Thank you. [hangs up and puts the phone away] Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because he wanted to go to Casa Bonita. [the anger now registers on the other boys' faces]\nKyle: What?\nSheila: Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!\nCartman: But... Casa Bonita.\nKyle: [approaches Cartman, who turns around] I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!\nCartman: [turns to face Casa Bonita] But I... [turns back] but... [suddenly takes Kyle hostage] Stand back!\nStan: Cartman, stop it!\nCartman: [backs up towards the restaurant with Kyle still hostage] I... am going... to Casa... Bonita! [sirens are heard]\nKyle: It's too late, fatass. [Cartman stops] They'll be here in less than a minute.\nCartman: [hauls Kyle away a bit longer] Ah! Eh. Nuh! [throws him away and dashes for the entrance] Less than a minute! Less than a minute!\nKyle: [rises and turns around] Cartman!\nScene Description: Casa Bonita, inside. Cartman races into the restaurant.\nCartman: Oh, awesome!! [approaches a table which has a family enjoying its dinner] Excuse me, excuse me? Can I get to eat some of your- [grabs some food from both the mother's plate and the father's plate] Thank you. Thank you. [climbs over the table] Oh, I've got to get to Black Bart's Cave! [hops off and runs for the cave, barging his way past two other kids] Ah! Excuse me? Excuse me! Coming through to Black Bart's Cave! [runs in] Oh! [stops at a treasure chest with a pirate skeleton beside it] Oh, scary! Look, a skeleton! [moves on] Oh man, I'm so scared! [exits]\nCartman: Oh! Oh! Oh, that was awesome! Oh! Oh! Cliff divers! [rushes to them, stopping long enough to dance before the mariachi band] Come on! Come on, dive! [atop the waterfall, a cliff diver stands ready] Dive, asshole! [the diver dives into the pool below] Oh, awesome! That was cool, huh? [looks towards the entrance and sees the rest of his party and the police enter the restaurant] Whoa. [dashes for the jail set at the Photo Flash Back. He puts on the suit waiting for the next customer and looks out from behind bars. His picture is taken and he quickly jumps down from the cell. He moves on to the table he dreamt about two weeks ago] Sopapillas! Can I get some sopapillas please?! [a waitress arrives with a plate of sopapillas] Sweeet! [runs off with it and heads for a new attraction] Oh! Booth! Puppet show! Puppet show! [an officer steps in and blocks his way, he tosses his dessert away and turns back]\nKyle: Cartman! [the boys and Sheila trace his path and close in on Cartman. Cartman runs up along the side of the \"cliff\" until he gets to the top, where two other officers meet him]\nYates: All right, kid! End of the line!\nCartman: [steps left] Ah. [steps right] Uh. [moves around a bit more, then jumps off the cliff] Yeeeesss!\nKyle: Jesus Christ! [Cartman ends up face down in the water, which isn't deep enough to drown him. He flips over and coughs.\nYates: Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it?\nCartman: Totally. [smiles]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In Mr. Garrison's classroom the kids enter and go for their desks.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. [a blond boy stands to his left] We have a new student joining us today who has just moved here from Utah. I want you all to say hi to Gary. [Gary looks around. The kids don't say a word]\nGary: Hello everybody. It's really great to meet you all.\nMr. Garrison: Gary was state champion in wrestling AND in tennis. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other] He also maintained a 4.0 grade point average at his old school AND has been on two national commercials for toothpaste.\nGary: I'm really excited to live in this town and share all kinds of great experiences with you, my new friends!\nKyle: [quietly, to Stan] Oh, dude, what a little asshole!\nStan: Yeah, screw that kid!\nMr. Garrison: All right, Gary, why don't you take that empty seat and we'll get started with the lesson? [Gary goes to the seat to Cartman's right as Cartman looks on with some trepidation. Once Gary is seated, Cartman lurches away from him about six inches]\nGary: [offering a handshake] Hey. My name's Gary.\nCartman: [falsetto] Hi. My name's Eura. Eura Fag.\nGary: [laughs] That's funny. You're cool, man.\nMr. Garrison: Okay now, who can tell me what year the first astronauts landed on the moon? [writes \"Moon Landing\" on the board]\nGary: [without hesitation] Oh! Oh oh oh! Nineteen sixty nine!\nMr. Garrison: Very good, Gary. Wow, looks like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children? [writes \"1969\" on the board]\nScene Description: The playground. Gary is kicking a soccer ball around. The other fourth grade boys approach and look. Shown are Craig, Butters, Kyle, Clyde, Stan, Cartman, Token, Kevin, and another boy\nKyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche!\nCartman: Yeah. Somebody needs to put him in him place!\nButters: He's a peckerface, that's what he is!\nCartman: Go kick his ass, Stan.\nClyde: Yeah, go kick his ass.\nStan: Well, maybe he won't fight.\nCartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about.\nKyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that fuckin' smirk off his face!\nCraig: Yeah, little bitch!\nStan: All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass. [leaves]\nCartman: Yeah! Go Stan! Go Stan! [then, when Stan is gone, softly] All right, I've got five bucks on the other kid. Who wants in?\nGary: [looks up as Stan approaches] Oh hey there! You wanna kick the ball around with me?\nStan: No. I'm... I'm gonna kick your ass.\nGary: Excuse me?\nStan: I'm gonna kick your ass... [glances back] bitch.\nGary: How come you wanna fight me? ...Oh, I get it. I'm the new kid. [sigh] Yeah, I guess maybe I deserve it.\nStan: [off guard] Huh?\nGary: It's really tough being in a totally new place, but I think all you guys are really cool so... I understand if there's initiation rites.\nStan: Dude, stop it.\nButters: [back in the crowd] Let him have it, Stan!\nStan: Shut up, Butters!\nGary: The other kids are watching. Look, do what you gotta do. I won't fight back. I just hope that maybe afterwards we can... try to be friends someday.\nKyle: [back in the crowd] What are they doing?\nCartman: They're just standing there, talking. [A few moments later, Stan returns defeated. He glances back at Gary, then approaches the other boys]\nKyle: What happened? [Stan glances back, then looks at Kyle]\nStan: I'm... [stares back at Gary] going over to his house for dinner tonight.\nToken: What?! How did that happen?\nStan: [stammering] He's a really nice kid.\nCartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butthole!\nKyle: You're having dinner with his family? What kind of family has a kid like that?\nScene Description: Gary's house. His family is enjoying itself at the dinner table, playing a board game, \"LIVING\", and laughing.\nDad: Okay, my turn. [turns a little wheel] Ooo, five! [moves his piece] One two three four five. Uh, awww, lost your mortgage, pay ten thousand dollars! Oh no! [they all laugh. Gary and Stan enter]\nMom: Hey, it's Gary!\nOlder sister: Gary!\nOlder brother: Great to see you!\nMom: How are you?\nGary: Hey everybody! This is my new friend Stan. Stan, this is my mom and dad.\nDad: Hi Stan!\nMom: It's so nice to meet you.\nGary: [the camera pans to the older brother] And this is my brother Mark.\nMark: Hi!\nGary: [then to the older sister] My sister Jenny.\nJenny: Hey!\nGary: My little brother Dave.\nDave: Hi!\nGary: And my baby sister Amanda.\nAmanda: [removes her pacifier] Hello Stan!\nDad: Well, it's great you could join us for Family Home Evening, Stan!\nStan: What's that?\nGary: That's when we don't allow any TV and just entertain each other with music and stories. Doesn't your family ever do that?\nStan: No.\nDad: Hey kids! Why don't you grab your instruments and play a song for Stan!\nJenny: Oh yeah!\nMark: All right! Let's play! [the kids grab their instruments. Jenny and Gary take guitars, Mark takes a trumpet, Dave takes the drums, and Amanda takes the little piano. The kids launch into song]\nGary: Yeah yeah, yeah, I love my family! My family is the best! If we ever have to face a challenge.\nThe kids: My family!\nGary: Can pass the test. [the parents bounce softly to the beat. Next scene, the family is back at table for dinner. Mom comes in with a big turkey platter]\nDad: Oh boy! Who is the best Mom in the world?? [the rest of the family chatters. Next scene shows Dave juggling three balls]\nMark: All right! Go Dave!\nGary: Yeah!\nJenny, Mark: Woohoo! [next scene is Mark doing Shakespeare's \"Hamlet\", with skull]\nMark: Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? [next scene is Amando in Russian dress, dancing]\nThe Family: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [next scene, they're all laughing at something]\nMark: That's a great story, Sarah.\nDad: All right, kids, now how about we do some Scripture readings! From the Book of Mormon!\nMark: All right!\nKids: Yeah!\nMark: Woohoo! OOWW!\nStan: The... Book of Mormon? What's that?\nGary: You know... the book that Joseph Smith found.\nStan: Who's Joseph Smith? [they laugh at his ignorance]\nMark: Only the most important person in the world.\nJenny: You've never heard of him?\nStan: No!\nGary: Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad.\nThe other kids: Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right.\nDad: All right, you rascals. Gather round. [the kids draw closer to their dad] Joseph Smith lived in a little American town in the early 1800s.\nScene Description: A little American town in the early 1800s. A man rides by in a small carriage pulled by one horse. In the distance, Joseph Smith strolls into town.\nSingers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb He started the Mormon religion Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nBlacksmith: There goes that kooky Joseph Smith.\nCustomer: You know, he claims he spoke with God and Jesus.\nWoman: Well, how do you know he didn't?\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Joseph Smith was called a prophet-\nButler: Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it.\nSmith: Well it's true. I did.\nWife: Where?\nSmith: I was out in the woods, praying [a shot of him on his knees in the woods] I was asking God if I should be a Protestant, or a Catholic, or what? And suddenly God and Jesus appeared before me. [a bright light appears before him and he shields his eyes from the glare] And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right. [the flashback ends] And that's exactly how it happened.\nButler: You see? You believe it now?\nWife: Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up?\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Many people believed Joseph Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb And that night he-ee saw an angel Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nSmith: [in bed inside a shack] And please bless Mother and Father, and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies. [a flash of light and a glowing orb flies around the room] AAAHH! [the orb turns into an angel] Oh my gosh!\nAngel: I am Moroni. I am a Native American.\nSmith: A... [looks at the camera] Native American? [looks at Moroni] But your skin is white.\nMoroni: Yes. Long ago all Native American were white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. And while we were here we were visited by Christ.\nSmith: [looks at the camera] Jesus live here in America?\nMoroni: Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel, and as punishment, God turned their skin red. These are the Native Americans you know today. [Smith looks at the camera dumbstruck]\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nMoroni: There is an ancient book buried near here, written on gold plates that account my people's lives. Also buried with the book are two seer stones, the Urim and Thummim, which will allow you to translate the writings. Find it, and fulfill your destiny. [brightens and then vanishes]\nSmith: Wooww... [gets up and dressed. He exits his shack]\nSingers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nScene Description: Back to the present.\nDad: And we all know what happened then, don't we?\nKids: Yeah! I know!\nStan: What happened then? [a small timer rings]\nMom: Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done!\nKids: Rice Crispy squares! Yay! All right! Rice Crispy squares!\nDad: Hey gang, let's wrap some more of them up in plastic wrap and hand them out to the poor!\nGary: Awesome! I can't wait!\nJenny: Yeah! [the family rises from the couch and leaves]\nGary: You coming, Stan?\nStan: No, I was supposed to be home at eight.\nDad: Awww, that's too bad. Well, it was really nice meeting you, Stan. [the family returns and hugs Stan]\nMark, Jenny: Bye Stan!\nMom: Great to meet you!\nGary: Bye!\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. What a contrast. Randy watches TV on the couch with beer in hand, Shelly watches it on the floor, Sharon watches it from the dining table solving crossword puzzles. Stan enters upon this desolate scene.\nStan: ...Hello?\nSharon: Oh, hi Stan.\nStan: [a few seconds later] Hey Dad, how come you never told me about Joseph Smith?\nRandy: Who?\nShelly: Shut up, turd! We're watching Friends!\nStan: The guy who spoke to God and Jesus.\nSharon: Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually speak to people.\nStan: That's not what the Harrisons said.\nRandy: Who are the Harrisons?\nStan: The new people that moved in down the street. Mr. Harrison said that Joseph Smith spoke to God and Jesus and they told him none of the religions were right.\nRandy: Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious kooks?!\nStan: They're not kooks, they're cool. I mean, how come we never have a night where we don't watch any TV and we just... do stuff together and eat and drink?\nRandy: We have that, Stan. It's called Friday Night Kegger.\nStan: But that's just you and your friends.\nShelly: I said shut up, turd!\nStan: Mr. Harrison said that I should be following Heavenly Father's plan, and I don't even know what that is.\nRandy: [rises and moves towards the front door] All right, that does it!\nSharon: Where are you going?\nRandy: I'm gonna go have a talk with this \"Mr. Harrison.\" [grabs his coat from the coat rack and puts it on] If he thinks he can fill my son's head with wacko religious crap, he's wrong! [drinks the last of his beer]\nSharon: Randy, don't cause trouble.\nRandy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Garrison's ass! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] This, Mr. Harrison is, is a white guy, right?\nStan: Yeah.\nRandy: [confidence restored] Yeah, I'm gonna go kick his ass! [slams the door]\nScene Description: The neighborhood, night. Randy walks down the street.\nRandy: God-damned religious kooks! Tell my son what to believe, will you?! We'll see how you like my fist in your ass! [approaches the front door of the house and pounds on the door. Gary's father answers it]\nMr. Harrison: Hello!\nRandy: Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?\nMr. Harrison: I sure am. [offers his right hand] The, the name's Gary.\nRandy: Well, look, my kid was just over at your house and he a-\nGary Sr.: Oh, you're Stan's dad! It's so nice to finally meet you! Karen! Mr. Marsh is here!\nRandy: Uh, look, I just want to tell you that\nKaren: [arrives with a tray of squares] Oh, Mr. Marsh! What a treat! It's so nice to meet you!\nRandy: Well, thanks. Uh...\nGary Sr.: Karen just finished baking the most amazing Rice Crispy squares.\nKaren: With chocolate frosting\nGary Sr.: Come on out of the cold. You've gotta try one. Or six. [chuckles]\nScene Description: The coffee table in the living room.\nGary Sr.: I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have you over.\nKaren: [serving lemonade] I hear you're a geologist. That is so amazing.\nRandy: Look, uh, I actually came over because I'm a little concerned about some of the things you told my son.\nGary Sr., Karen: Uh huh?\nRandy: You know. About... God, and stuff.\nGary Sr.: Oooh... Oh boy... you think we were trying to convert him.\nRandy: Well, I...\nGary Sr.: Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am sooo sorry.\nKaren: We just moved here from Utah and we're so used to everyone being Mormon that we... Oh, we forget not everyone wants to hear about it. Oh boy, you must be furious!\nRandy: Well, no, no, I just...\nGary Sr.: You just heard your son talking about religious ideals that aren't your own and you said \"Who the heck do these people think they are?!\" I I'm really, truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It won't happen again.\nRandy: Y-you can call me... Randy.\nKaren: Randy, the last thing we want is for people to think we're pushing our religion. We know there are a lot of beliefs out there and ours just works for us.\nGary Sr.: To each his own, right?\nRandy: Yeah. Yeah! You know, to be honest, I've never known any Mormons. I, don't even know what you people believe. Who was this Joseph Smith guy? Why did he believe that Native Americans are actually white people from Jerusalem?\nGary Sr.: Well, because they found ancient books they had written on gold plates, right where the angel Moroni said they would be.\nScene Description: The Early 1800s, day, a small town. People mill around.\nSmith: I found them! I found them! [people turn and look, and he stops] You're not gonna believe it, everybody! I found them!\nButler: Found what?\nSmith: Another New Testament of Jesus Christ!\nPeople: What? What did he say? Are you crazy?\nSmith: Last night, a Native America angel told me where I could find another testament of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the woods. I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look. [a shot of Smith digging yet another hole].\nSmith: Maybe there isn't anything out here. [strikes something hard] Wait a tick! [throws the shovel off to the side] What's this? [starts digging and find a tiny coffin, then removes the lid] Wow...\nSmith: [back to the story] Inside the stone box, I found the magical seer stones. Under that, I found four gold plates written in strange writing [he lifts up two of them].\nSmith: This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites!\nSmith: Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon.\nMan: [middle-aged] Well, so where are they?\nSmith: Where are what?\nWoman: The gold plates and the seer stones. Where are they?\nSmith: Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them. You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again and said that I am not allowed to show the plates, or the seer stones, to anybody. Because first I must translate what's written on the plates into English, so you can all read it!\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.\nPeople: Wow, amazing!\nSingers: He found the stones and golden plates Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Even though nobody else ever saw them Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon and Shelly are at their spots, Stan sits on the couch, all three watch TV. Randy returns with a Book of Mormon in hand.\nSharon: So, how'd it go, Clubber Lange? You kicked Mr. Harrison's ass?\nRandy: Not exactly. We're uh, having their family over for dinner tomorrow night.\nStan: See? That's what happened to me!\nRandy: Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph Smith found a new testament to the Bible buried here in America?\nSharon: What are you talking about?\nRandy: Well it's just that... the Harrisons are really nice people and... you should see how loving and together their family is. I, I think there's something to that religion.\nStan: That's what they made me think, too!\nRandy: All right, that does it. From now on, our family is Mormon!\nScene Description: The neighborhood, day. In front of Kyle's house Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are tossing a football around. Stan arrives. Cartman catches the football and approaches Stan.\nCartman: Hey Stan, how was your date last night with the new kid?\nStan: Shut up, dude. They're a nice family and... Gary is actually really smart and talented.\nCartman: [cooing] Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love.\nKyle: Yeah. Did you make out with him, too?\nStan: What's the big deal? Can't I have other friends? You guys should give Gary a chance.\nGary: [arrives] Hey Stan.\nCartman: Ohhh, here's Stan's little girlfriend now.\nGary: Hey guys. Stan, I remember you said last night that you'd lost your wallet, so I made you a new one. [hands Stan a brown leather wallet] I carved a picture of John Elway into the leather on the front.\nStan: Wow, you made this?\nCartman: [playing it up] Awww, look at them. Aren't they so cute together?\nGary: Hey! My family's on their way over to the fire station to donate blood. You wanna come along? [Cartman gags.]\nStan: Uh, I don't think so, Gary. I have to uh... [a car horn is heard]\nGary: Oh here comes my family now!\nThe Harrisons: Hey you guys! [they get out of the car]\nKaren: Look, we painted our faces! [they laugh]\nMark: I'm a lion. [scratches the air like a lion might]\nJenny: I'm an alien. [green face paint]\nGary Sr.: Hey, just what the heck am I supposed to be? [they laugh]\nCartman: Oh my God...\nDave: [a piglet] You gonna come with us to the fire station, Stan?\nStan: [fumbling about] Uh, no. I've got a lot to do.\nGary Sr.: Well... Gary, you wanna just hang out with your friend Stan?\nGary: Oh. Well, I'd like to, but... Oh man, I would miss you guys so much!\nMark: We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh.\nKaren: Aw, we'll all see each other tonight when we go to Stan's house for dinner. Stay and play with your friend, Gary.\nGary Sr.: Yeah. Have a good time, boys. [the family laughs and gets inside the car]\nMark: Let's go. [the doors close and they drive off] Our faces are painted. [more laughter]\nKyle: Wow!\nGary: So what do you guys wanna do?\nCartman: [backs away a bit with Kyle and Kenny] Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave you two lovebirds alone. The three of us have to go put in some volunteer work at the homeless shelter. [looks at the other two. All three move off to their left and leave]\nGary: Oh cool! I'm gonna do that tomorrow.\nCartman: Eeheehee, Jesus Christ. [an awkward moment between Gary and Stan follows]\nGary: So hey, I heard your dad came over last night and he and my dad talked about Joseph Smith. That's great!\nStan: [turns right and walks. Gary walks alongside] Yeah. I had a question about that Joseph Smith guy.\nGary: Sure.\nStan: What happened after he found the golden plates buried in the ground?\nGary: Well, he kept them hidden from everyone like he was told. And then he translated what was written on the plates into the Book of Mormon.\nStan: Yeah, but... how?\nScene Description: Back to the 1800s, night. Joseph Smith and another man walk up into the attic of a large building.\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nMan: What's this all about, Mr. Smith?\nSmith: Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?\nHarris: Well, sure I can.\nSmith: I have, in my possession, an ancient book written on gold plates that tells of Jesus Christ's second coming. Here, in America.\nHarris: In America? [scratches his head] Really? That sounds kind of...\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nSmith: It's true. And I'm going to translate the plates and publish it into a book for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris, and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the publishing costs.\nHarris: Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it?\nSmith: With these. [presents the seer stones]\nHarris: Rocks?\nSmith: They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel. With them, God allowed me to translate the plates into English. Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say. Sit here. [on the floor, by some sheets of paper and a quill pen in an ink well] I have the golden plates here in this hat. I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light.\nHarris: Really?\nSmith: Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat, the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you.\nHarris: Wow! [Smith looks down and lowers his head so the face is buried in the hat]\nSmith: Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. Write this down. \"And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites.\"\nSingers: And that's how the Book of Mormon was written Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. At the dining table they're playing the same board game the Harrisons were playing a few nights before: \"LIVING\".\nRandy: One two three four. \"Pay one thousand dollars property tax.\" [pays the property tax] Isn't this great, you guys? Our first Family Home Evening.\nShelly: I wanna watch TV.\nRandy: We're not watching TV! We're Mormons now and we're having Family Home Evening!\nStan: Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith guy read the Book of Mormon out of a hat?\nRandy: And? [to Sharon] Your turn, Sharon.\nStan: It's just that... the Book of Mormon says a lot of strange stuff, like that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri.\nRandy: Yes.\nStan: But school taught me that the first man and woman lived in Africa.\nRandy: Well you can't believe everything school tells you, Stan. Your turn, Shelly. [the doorbell rings] Oooo, that must be the Harrisons! [rises and goes to the front door. He opens and the Harrisons walk in with enthusiasm, chatting away]\nGary: Hey everybody.\nMark: [walks around] Wow, what a great house!\nKaren: [walks up to Sharon] You must be Mrs. Marsh; it's so nice to meet you!\nJenny: [walks up to Shelly] And you must be Stan's sister. Oh, I think your brother's the greatest.\nShelly: My brother is a stupid turd.\nGary: [walks up to Stan] Hey Stan.\nStan: [with reservations] Hey Gary.\nRandy: Well, come on in and sit down, everybody. [they all settle in on the couches in the living room. Shelly avoids looking at the Harrisons] You're here just in time. My son was having a little problem with our new religion.\nStan: Dad!\nGary Sr.: Ohohoho, really? Well, that's just because he hasn't heard the best part about the Joseph Smith story! The one that proves he was for real!\nThe Harrisons: Yeah! Woohoo!\nRandy: Ooo, what's that?\nGary Sr.: Well, you remember Martin Harris, the rich man who wrote down what Joseph Smith read out of the hat?\nStan: Yeah.\nGary Sr.: See, after he was done, he took some of the pages of what would become the Book of Mormon home.\nScene Description: Back to the 1800s, night, the large building.\nSingers: Martin went home to his wife Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb And showed her pages from the Book of Mormon Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nHarris: A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said. I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book.\nMrs. Harris: Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden plates?\nSingers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart Smart smart smart smart smart\nHarris: Why would he make it up?\nSingers: Martin Harris dumb dadumb-\nLucy: All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages. [puts them in a drawer at the bottom end of an armoir] If Joseph Smith really is translating off of golden plates, then he'll be able to do it again. But if Joseph Smith is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these.\nHarris: Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem. [puts on his coat and heads out]\nSingers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart Martin Harris dumb. So Martin went on back to Smith Said the pages had gone away Smith got mad and told Martin He needed to go pray Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nHarris: [upon Smith's return] Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Joe, but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the plates.\nSmith: I would love to, Martin, except, I just had a vision. And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages.\nHarris: [gasps] He is??\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb\nSmith: Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the plate of Lehi again. He's... we must now translate from the plate of Nephi. So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently.\nHarris: Wow! If God got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth.\nSingers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.\nHarris: All right, Martin. Let's get to work! [Smith reads from the hat again and dictates to Harris, who writes it all down]\nScene Description: Back to the present, the Marsh house.\nGary Sr.: And that's how it happened.\nKids: Yeah! All right! [the Marshes sit there without a word to say]\nStan: ...Wait. Mormons actually know this story and they still believe Joseph Smith was a prophet?\nGary Sr.: Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't it?\nStan: No, it proves he DID make it all up. Are you blind?\nMark: Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith.\nStan: No, it's a matter of logic! If you're gonna say things that have been proven wrong, like that the first man and woman lived in Missouri, and that Native Americans came from Jerusalem, then you'd better have something to back it up. All you've got are a bunch of stories about some asswipe who read plates nobody ever saw out of a hat, and then couldn't do it again when the translations were hidden!\nRandy: Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion.\nStan: [crosses his arms] I don't wanna be Mormon, Dad!\nShelly: Me neither.\nGary: Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can believe whatever you want!\nGary Sr.: Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs.\nGary: Yeah! Hooray for the Marshes!\nStan: Oh, stop it! [stands up] That's another thing! Why do you have to be so freakin' nice all the time?! It isn't normal! You just weasel people into your way of thinking by acting like the happiest family in the world and being so nice to everyone that you just blindside dumb people like my Dad!\nRandy: Yeah! [moments later they are standing outside, and the door is slammed on their faces. They turn around, and Gary Sr. sighs]\nGary Sr.: Well kids... Who's up for a water balloon fight?!\nKids: Yeah! All right! [they leave the Marsh house in high spirits, except Gary, who looks insulted]\nScene Description: The bus stop, next day. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus, Stan walks up somewhat somberly.\nKyle: Oh, hey Stan. Where's your best buddy, Gary?\nStan: I'm not hanging around that kid anymore.\nCartman: [needling] Oh no! You guys broke up?\nStan: You guys were right, okay? The new kid's a douche. Now I just gotta find a way to keep him away from me.\nGary: [shows up] Hey Stan.\nStan: Oh brother.\nCartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns.\nGary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me tryin' to be your friend anymore.\nStan: I don't?\nGary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life. and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls. [turns around and walks off. All four boys just look at him in wonder.]\nCartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, gymnasium, day. A school meeting is called and kids file in. Between two basketball backboards hangs a blue banner with the words \"BUTT OUT!\" The O doubles as a no-smoking symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the gym.\nMr. Mackey: [off-screen] M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay? M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay. M'kay, quiet ple-mk-m'kay? [Mr. Garrison approaches him, takes the microphone and puts it against one of the massive speakers, creating a loud feedback loop. The kids scream in pain as Mr. Garrison returns the mic to Mr. Mackey.] M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, m'kay? So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to, \"Butt Out!\" [music starts up and a very enthusiastic troupe dashes out from behind the speakers and multi-screen monitor. After some chatter they begin to sing]\nButt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross! Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [the music stops and the troupe members strike poses]\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no...\nButt Out!: Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!\nButt Out! lady: Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo! [not a sound emanates from the student audience]\nButt Out! man 1: [steps forth] Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!\nButt Out! man 2: [steps forth] Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke? [the troupe members laugh]\nButt Out! lady: Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down! [a rap begins. The third male trouper becomes a human beat box.]\nButt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no! Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!\nButt Out! man 3: [steps forward and begins his beat box, just a bunch of utterances including] Smoking, no. No smoking. [ends his bit and backs up]\nButt Out! man 2: Freestyle!\nButt Out! lady: Vernon! [The first of the Butt Out! males steps forth while the third one resumes his beat box]\nVernon: Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!\nButt Out!: Kyle! [Vernon steps back into the line, the second But Out! male steps forth]\nButt Out!'s Kyle: B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the C to the I to the G to the A to the R to the E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, cigarette!\nKyle: Dude, this is unbearable.\nCartman: I'm going to kill myself. [return to the rap, which soon ends and Butt Out!'s Kyle goes back in line]\nButt Out!: Randy!\nButt Out!'s Randy: [steps forth] Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the \"no\" to the smoke, you go go.. [Stan holds his nose, grimaces and sighs heavily] ... you gotta get it!\nButt Out!: Pam!\nPam: [steps forth and makes like a diesel truck pulling to a stop. In a screeching voice she says] Dooooonttt smooooke.\nButt Out!: Woohoo! [she goes back into the line]\nCartman: You guys, Kenny's eating his own hand. [Kenny's chewing on his left hand. Stan and Kyle are half asleep]\nButt Out!'s Kyle: Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool! [turns his hat around so it's on backwards, and strikes a pose]\nPam: Oh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too?? [Butt Out!'s Kyle strikes a surprised pose]\nButt Out!'s Randy: What about emphysema?? Is that cool?? [Butt Out!'s Kyle clasps his hands together]\nVernon: And what about abortion, and AIDS? [Butt Out!'s Kyle slumps]\nButt Out!'s Randy: Pfft! That's none's the cool.\nPam: Word.\nVernon: Yeah. So butt out! [Butt Out!'s Kyle turns his hat back around]\nButt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!\nStan: [rolls eyes] Ugh, Jesus Christ! [Cartman has his hands buried in his face]\nButt Out!: Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!\nVernon: Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.\nPam: Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead. [collapses into Vernon's arms. He stands her up again]\nButt Out!'s Kyle: So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!\nButt Out!'s Randy: Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-\nButt Out!: [strikes one final pose] Just Like Us. [the boys look at each other, not quite sure what to make of that]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, loading area. The boys are there next to a trash bin, smoking ... and coughing.\nStan: Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one. [takes a cigarette from Kyle's pack, lights up, and puffs]\nKyle: Aw dude, this is really hard.\nCartman: Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey. [the boys quickly turn away and toss the cigarettes and lighter into the trash bin]\nKyle: Throw 'em away! [the boys' faces are red. Kyle glances back] Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing. [the boys stifle their coughs as Mr. Mackey draws near.]\nMr. Mackey: [stops, then walks around to face the boys] Boys, what are you doing back here? [the boys try their best to keep their coughs in check] I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?!\nCartman: [in clipped tones] Nothing.\nMr. Mackey: What??\nCartman: Nothin' Na- Due-nothing. [moments later Stan sneezes, and a large amount of snot ends up on his face and jacket]\nKyle: [looks] D'awww sick! [Stan coughs and tries to cover his mouth]\nCartman: Gross dude! [with the stifles broken, the boys resume coughing]\nMr. Mackey: Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking!\nCartman: No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes.\nMr. Mackey: Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'! [a burst of flame appears in the trash bin] Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay. [the boys look a bit alarmed] And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, it's gonna be bad. [the wall behind the bin and one of the posts holding up the awning over the loading dock burst into flame. The boys are getting scared. More of the wall bursts into flames and the flames begin to enter classrooms] M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. [the rest of the awning bursts into flames and flames appear at the bottom of the roll-away security door] M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad. M'kay, and uh, eh, what? [sniffs] What the? [turns around] Holy shit! M'kay?! [the fire alarm goes off and the school empties out the front door. Mr. Garrison, Mr. Adler, Ms. Choise, and Mr. Slave are all seen]\nMr. Slave: Oh! Jesus Christ! [time-lapse a few hours. The school has been gutted by the flames and firefighters clean up. Police are present for crowd control. Mr. Mackey is none too pleased]\nStan: ...Whoops.\nScene Description: The Principal's office, Only the door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred and two of its legs are burnt off.\nPrincipal Victoria: [seated behind her desk] Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!\nCartman: We're sorry.\nPrincipal Victoria: Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now. [sure enough, their parents can be seen approaching through the ruins]\nKyle: Oh God... [looks down. One of the parents knocks.]\nPrincipal Victoria: Come on in. [Randy opens the door and the parents enter]\nSharon: Stanley, what did you do this time?!\nPrincipal Victoria: You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!\nSheila: Smoking?\nSharon: No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker! [begins to sob. Randy holds her]\nStan: Mom... [Randy holds her tight] Dad, it was just a-\nRandy: I don't have a son!\nLiane: Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks!\nCartman: Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?\nGerald: Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?\nSheila: Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first. This is really their fault.\nKyle: [seizing the opportunity] Yeah. This is really their fault.\nSheila: No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill our children's heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.\nCartman: [agreeing] Yeah, huh? [launches into a small demonstration] It-it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind- No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!\nLiane: Oh my goodness, I had no idea. [kneels next to him] Are you okay, sweetie?\nRandy: Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid! I say we bring them down!\nSheila: We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.\nKyle: [to Stan] Who's Rob Reiner?\nScene Description: Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers, day. A blue skyscraper flanked by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background. Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing the window. He's reading from some papers.\nRob Reiner: [breathless, dabs his forehead] I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art, I forced smokers out of bars and parks, but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it. [puts the papers on the desk, unwraps a triple cheeseburger, starts eating it, and sits down at his desk] Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking people is for them. Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health? [dabs his forehead] Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?\nExecutive 1: According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.\nRob Reiner: Yeah, that must be it. [dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings, [the camera pulls out to show the slick desk and fancy building Reiner is in. Reiner dabs his forehead again] they're the ones making music wanna smoke! [dabs his forehead again, opens another triple cheeseburger and begins munching on that] They're the ones hurting our nation's health! I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards! [dabs his forehead] This is war!!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day. People have gathered to greet Reiner when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing as the banner. Other signs say \"THANKS ROB!!\", \"Welcome MEATHEAD!\" and \"Give 'em hell REINER!\" Stan and friends wait by the front door.\nKyle: You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke.\nStan: What??\nCartman: Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.\nStan: Yeah, what's the problem?\nKyle: Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know? It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?\nCartman: Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you?\nStan: Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.\nMr. Garrison: Here he comes! [Two Smoke Stoppers vans and a big rig pull up to City Hall. Rob Reiner follows in a Cadillac, which stops at the walkway leading up to the front door. Reiner opens the door and tries to get out, but he's too big to fit through.]\nRob Reiner: [after a few grunts] Damnit. [struggles some more, but fails to move any] Butter! [the driver glances back] Butter! [the driver exits the car and walks around the front]\nMr. Garrison: What'd he say?\nRob Reiner: Butter!! [the driver arrives with a bucket of butter. Rob Reiner grabs a bunch of it and butters himself up. The driver leaves with the butter as Reiner rubs the last of it against the seat of his pants. Reiner struggles once more and pops out of the car, falling to the ground. He stumbles, then rises and stumbles again. This time he stands up and raises his hands in victory. This raises his sweater, and his belly is exposed. He notices this and lowers his sweater. He raises his hands again and his sweater rises. He lowers his hands and walks up to the dais. The mic transmits his breathlessness as he dabs his forehead. His cheeks are rosy from the heat leaving his head] Hello South Park!! [the crowd cheers, the boys look at each other] It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health! And I'm gonna help ya! [the crowd cheers] These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco. So I say, \"We fight fire with fire!\" We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down! [someone shoots some confetti in the air and it rains down over everybody.]\nKyle: Oh no...\nScene Description: The town bar. Reiner sits at a booth with the boys, feverishly eating. A waitress comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and fries.\nRob Reiner: Alright kids, here's what we're gonna do. [the waitress replaces a cleared platter with the newly loaded one] We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper. [begins eating the burgers and dabs his head] Once you're inside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking. Got it?\nCartman: Got it! [Stan and Kyle look at each other]\nKyle: But... isn't that, kind of, lying?\nRob Reiner: Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field. [dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking. If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back! [begins to sniff around after detecting cigarette smoke, then focuses in on the source. The boys look as well. The source is a man wearing a Buds Light Beer hat, enjoying a drink and a smoke at the bar] Oh my God! [coughs loudly, but fails to get the man's attention. He rises from the booth and walks up to the smoker] Excuse me!\nBUDS man: Yes?\nRob Reiner: Would you mind putting that death stick out?!\nBUDS man: But, uh, this is a bar.\nRob Reiner: Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?\nBartender: Not in Colorado.\nRob Reiner: Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!\nBUDS man: Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.\nRob Reiner: Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!\nBUDS man: [getting irritated] I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!\nRob Reiner: Your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is! Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here! And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado! There will be no more smoking here!\nScene Description: Back at the table...\nCartman: [impressed] Isn't he awesome, you guys?\nKyle: What??\nCartman: Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol. [pics up an onion ring and munches on it]\nScene Description: Big Tobacco Co., day. Reiner and the boys approach the front door.\nRob Reiner: [turns to face the boys] All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars! [pulls out a drumstick from his sack and starts eating it] As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids, and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?\nCartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.\nRob Reiner: Heh, great. [opens the sack and pulls out a costume] Okay, now watch yourselves, kids. These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking. They are liars and they are frauds!\nScene Description: Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. A door opens and closes.\nReceptionist: Can I help you?\nRob Reiner: [now dressed in the costume he pulled out] Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour.\nExecutive: [enters the scene] Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.\nRob Reiner: Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.\nKevin Harris: Well, come on in. [motions the group to a hallway, which they enter] How about a little history first? [stops by a portrait of Indians seated around a campfire] Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.\nRob Reiner: [mutters] Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.\nKevin Harris: Excuse me?\nRob Reiner: Oh, nothing! Please continue.\nKevin Harris: The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612. [stops by a portrait of Pilgrims harvesting the crop] Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.\nKyle: So, tobacco helped to build America.\nKevin Harris: That's right. Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.\nCartman: [strokes his chin] Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.\nKevin Harris: [moves on] And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished. Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965, [stops at a framed tobacco warning] when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages. So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking. And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.\nKyle: That sounds perfectly reasonable.\nKevin Harris: And here's our factory at work. [opens the double doors to the factory. The workers begin to sing. Some of them scoop tobacco plants into large tanks. Other collect minced leaves into large wheelbarrows, others keep inventory. They break into song and dance near the end of the song]\nFactory workers: With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night\nYoung worker: I like to have a cigarette every now and then [turns around] It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end. [hops onto the wheelbarrow and rides away]\nOlder worker: And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway.\nFactory workers: So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night\nKevin Harris: Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.\nRob Reiner: Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture. [the boys turn around and Reiner takes the picture] Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!\nKevin Harris: What??\nRob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner! [takes off the wig] And you've just been Reinered! Come on boys, let's make our escape! [makes a dash for the exit. A worker with a cart of cases of cigarettes is gong about his business] Don't you try and stop us! [he smacks the worker, who goes down cold. He runs further on and picks up another worker over his head, then throws him down onto the floor below. The other workers panic]\nKevin Harris: [looks down at the mayhem] Oh my God!\nScene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, night. Reiner and the boys arrive.\nRob Reiner: Hoh boy, that was great, kids.\nStan: Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.\nRob Reiner: Hah, you see that? They got into your head. Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!\nScene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, interior. The workers there walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper. They make grunts as they pass each other. The woman runs off and the man chases after her.\nRob Reiner: [walks across the room towards a table laden with burgers] This is how we get rid of smokers. [approaches and grabs a burger] We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!\nCartman: Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them. [cuddles up to Reiner] You are so awesome.\nRob Reiner: [walks up to an employee and hands him the camera. The worker hooks it up to his computer] Here you go Bob. [Explains to the boys] This is Mr. Baffrey. He does all our Photoshop work. [the screen is shown with a picture loading behind a download progress bar] Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands! [Baffrey places cigarettes into the boys' hands] And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed! Hahahaha! [Baffrey joins in the laughter]\nKyle: But dude, you're making stuff up.\nRob Reiner: [munching on another burger] You kids need to understand something, okay? Sometimes lying is okay. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do.\nCartman: Oh my God, that is what I've always said. [motions to Reiner] I love this guy!\nworker: [walks in with a news feed] Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass.\nRob Reiner: What?! [grabs the news feed the worker was holding] God-damnit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!\nworker: Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you.\nRob Reiner: Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof! Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!\nCartman: [eagerly] Wow, a commercial?\nRob Reiner: And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part. All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!\nCartman: God, he's just the best! [rushes off to follow Reiner] Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?\nScene Description: Outside the tent. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny rush out of there and stop some distance away from it.\nKyle: Guys, I think we should bail out of this right now!\nStan: Huh?\nKyle: This is just startin' to look like another one of those times where it-it's gonna end up with the whole town turning out, it's a big showdown happening, and us havin' to talk about what we learned, and I say we just stop right now, and go play cards or something.\nKenny: (Well yep, that's what I think.)\nStan: Yeah, maybe you're right. [Cartman walks out and catches up to the others]\nCartman: So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh? Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the game is on!\nKyle: Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.\nCartman: [confused] Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle. That's your Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either. Ooops. didn't work, did it, Kyle?\nKyle: No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.\nCartman: Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say, \"How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?\" And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't [poke] gonna [poke] work [poke] on [poke] me [poke] ha [poke] ha [poke] ha [poke]. Only one of us can be in the commercial, gentlemen. The game... is on. [leaves]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Cartman climbs up to the second story and opens a window at the end of the hallway. He carries with him a bunch of lumber, a hammer, and some nails. He approaches Kyle's door and gets to work hammering the lumber in place over the door.\nCartman: Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the commercial tomorrow! Hahahaha! Thought you had me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, didn't you?! Well let's see you try to open this door now. [Cartman forgets that hallway doors open in to their respective rooms] Hahahahaha! Haa haa hahahahahaha! Haa haa haha- [Kyle appears next to him with a glass of water]\nKyle: What are you doing? [Cartman snaps his head around and looks]\nCartman: [drops his hammer in this awkward moment] Oh... Hello, Kyle. Oh man. Wait, this isn't my house.\nKyle: Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow. But I'm warning you, those anti-smoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want, and that means they're dangerous. [walks around Cartman, opens the door, goes under lumber obstruction, enters the bedroom, then closes the door. Cartman is a bit surprised]\nCartman: Hahahahahaha! [resumes hammering] Nice try, Kyle! Let's see you try to get through the door now! Haa haa hahahahaha!\nScene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, day. Cartman is at the photo shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot.\nRob Reiner: Okay Eric, this is going to be real simple. All you gotta do is read the words on the Teleprompter here. [motions to the monitor to his right, which has the Teleprompter ready to go]\nCartman: [giddily] Heh, okay. [the make-up crew leave]\nRob Reiner: Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this. [settles into his director's chair] All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Eric.\nCartman: Heh, okay, okay. [takes a deep breath, then strikes a somber pose] You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm the proof. The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me. Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead. [takes a closer look at that last line, then looks at Reiner] Dead??\nRob Reiner: And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic.\nCartman: Uh what... what does that mean, \"I'll be dead\"? Hey, uh what, what was that \"dead\" part?\nScary Assistant: That was very good, Eric. Here, eat this cupcake.\nCartman: Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry.\nScary Assistant: But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.\nCartman: [pushes the cupcake away] I'm not eating the cupcake.\nRob Reiner: [approaches Eric] Eric, do you know what a hero is? A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others. You can be a hero, Eric. All you have to do... is eat the cupcake. [the scary assistant moves it towards Eric's mouth again]\nCartman: [realizes what the words he said mean and bolts from the stool] Jesus Christ! HAAAA!\nRob Reiner: [gives chase] Hey! [Eric runs out a side door, Reiner follows close behind]\nScene Description: Stan's house. The other boys are in the dining room playing cards. Cartman opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick. He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed.\nStan: What are you doing, Cartman?\nCartman: They're going to kill me! [walks to the other window and looks out]\nKyle: Who's going to kill you?\nCartman: The anti-smoking people! They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and... now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!\nStan: [pushes away from the table] Well, get away from us then.\nKyle: Yeah dude, don't get us killed too. [the boys leave the table]\nCartman: [draws close] You guys have to help me!\nKyle: [the other boys back away] No dude, get away!\nCartman: [draws close] Please, you guys, I don't know what to do!\nStan: Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!\nCartman: If I go, you guys go!\nStan: Daaaad!\nRandy: [enters from the kitchen] What?\nStan: Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us!\nRandy: Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent. Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies. [turns around and goes back into the kitchen]\nCartman: Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe the tobacco company can help us! [the boys keep their distance]\nStan: Help you, fatass! We weren't in the commercial, remember?\nKyle: Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!\nCartman: Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong! [crosses his arms]\nKyle: Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.\nKenny: (Uh huh.)\nCartman: You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off heh! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company!\nStan: [yielding] Oh all right.\nKyle: No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves. Even if it means getting grounded.\nStan: Why?\nKyle: Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen. They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned, and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!\nStan: So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks. [all the boys stroke their chins]\nScene Description: Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople carrying torches and clamoring.\nKyle: God-damnit! [Cartman hides behind Mr. Harris upon seeing Rob Reiner]\nRob Reiner: Give us the child!\nKevin Harris: We will not!\nRob Reiner: There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid! And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!\nTownspeople: Yeah! Yeah, that's right!\nMr. Mackey: [suddenly realizes] Wait a minute, what?\nRob Reiner: Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke! And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it! [crowd goes silent]\nRandy: Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right.\nRob Reiner: Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain this again?! Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay!\nKyle: No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, I've learned something today. You just hate- [to Stan] See, I knew it.\nStan: Yup.\nKyle: You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!\nRob Reiner: God-Damnit There'll be no more smoking!!\nStan: It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us! We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!\nMr. Mackey: You're right, boys, m'kay?\nBUDS man: Yeah. Let smokers smoke.\nTownspeople: Yeah!!\nMr. Garrison: Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out! [they all laugh]\nRob Reiner: [holding a big slice of chocolate cake] I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!\nCartman: [approaches Reiner] I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [takes the fork Reiner was holding and jabs it into his belly, Reiner begins to deflate as fat gushes out of the punctures Cartman made with the fork]\nRob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo! [apparently, there were no bones there. All that's left of Reiner is a puddle of fat and the skin it was all in. Cartman returns to the other boys, and the parents gather around them]\nSheila: So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?\nKyle: No.\nSheila: Well then, you are grounded, mister!\nLiane: You too, Eric.\nCartman: Aw awww!\nScene Description: Added in later showings of the episode.\nStan: Well, I guess we learned our lesson.\nKyle: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't! [walks off]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, recess or lunch. The camera pans across the playground and settles on two teams of seven players each. A football lies on the ground between the two groups. The group left of the football consists of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Token, and Clyde. The second includes Craig, Tweek, Kevin, Pip, and three others\nStan: All right, you guys, it's first down. I'll hike the ball on the third \"set hut!\" Kyle and Cartman, go deep post out. Kenny, run a slant down the middle. Butters, be ready for the screen.\nCartman: Right. What are we playing again?\nStan: Football.\nCartman: Got it. [the teams get into position]\nStan: Okay. 23! [Bebe appears behind him and taps him on the shoulder] Blue, 23! Set hut! Set hut! [Bebe taps him on the shoulder again. Stan turns and looks at her]\nBebe: Wendy breaks up.\nStan: What? [looks let down]\nBebe: Wendy breaks up with you. [turns to walk away. Stan looks on for a few seconds]\nStan: [moves forth to hold her up] Oh whoa, wait a minute. [Bebe turns around] What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks. [This gets the other boys' attention]\nBebe: She just doesn't wanna be with you anymore. She said she still wants to be friends. [the other boys turn to see what's going on]\nCartman: What-ever, Bebe! Like Stan really cares! Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank!\nBebe: Fuck you, fatass! You guys are assholes!\nButters: Oh yeah? Well, at least we have assholes, you dumb girl!\nCartman: Yeh-heah, right!\nBebe: God, you're so stupid! [turns around and walks away]\nCartman: What a whore! [turns around and goes back to the game. The other boys do the same. Stan is too stunned to move]\nKyle: Yeah! Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up! [The boys get back into their playing positions. A few moments Kyle looks back] Stan? [Clyde looks back, then Cartman]\nCartman: [turns around] Come on, Stan, it's first down still. [Butters looks back, then Kenny. Stan loses heart and walks off slowly, his head hanging low. The other boys look at each other, unsure what to make of that. A montage begins.]\nScene Description: Stan is next seen walking onto a small red stone bridge. The next scene has him walking down the middle of a two-lane road in the rain. He stops to take in the moist air. The next scene has him back on the bridge, looking over the creek with his head on his right hand. On the water he sees a reflection of Wendy walk up to him. She's smiling. He brightens as she approaches. He turns to greet her, but there's no one to greet. He looks back at the creek, then turns around and walks off. The next scene has him at a rainy night sitting on the curb in a run-down part of town, under a working street light, with his face buried in his legs, crying. The last scene has him in his room, sitting on the floor by his bed, looking at a picture of Wendy. He gently strokes the picture, which has Wendy holding a daisy and smiling broadly. On the picture are written the words \"I love you forever. Wendy.\" The image fades to black\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway Craig goes to a drinking fountain for a drink of water. Fosse and Dog Poo walk towards the camera. Stan is at the far end watching Wendy open her locker. Stan looks away and walks towards Kyle, who's seated next to his locker reading a book.\nStan: Kyle, will you talk to Wendy for me?\nKyle: [not looking up] Why?\nStan: 'Cause I need to know why she broke up.\nKyle: Aw, dude, come on. I gotta do my science homework.\nStan: [pleading] Dude, please. I might still have a chance to make things work. Please, just go talk to her?\nKyle: [puts his book down and sighs] God damn it! [walks over to Wendy, but avoids eye contact] Wendy, Stan wants to know why you break up. [Wendy turns around]\nWendy: Look, Stan is really nice. I just don't wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I've been wanting to break up for a while. but it's, it's nothing against him.\nKyle: 'Kay. [walks back to Stan, but avoids looking at him, as well] She says she's been wantin' to break up for a while, and it's nothing against you.\nStan: What? That's no answer! [nudges him a bit] Go tell her to be more direct with me.\nKyle: [goes for his books and picks them up] No dude, I'm out. Go talk to her yourself. Be poetic. [walks off. Jimmy appears]\nStan: Kyle, this is my life. [points at Jimmy] Jimmy!\nJimmy: Hey Stan.\nStan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?\nJimmy: For- Forw- Forw-w-w what?\nStan: Just go talk to her an, and be poetic. Tell her she's my Muse-no! Tell her, [thinks] tell her... [gestures] she's a con-tinuing source of inspiration to me.\nJimmy: She's what?\nStan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.\nJimmy: ...Okay. [walks over to Wendy] Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy. [she turns around with her books]\nWendy: Yeah?\nJimmy: Stan says you're a cont...[pronouncing as \"cunt\"] you're a- cont- S-Stan says you're a cont- cont-\nWendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off!! [closes her locker and runs away]\nJimmy: -cont- You're a cont-tinuing source of inspiration to him. [his mission done, he returns to Stan]\nStan: Well?\nJimmy: She just- w-walked away, Stan. You're gonna have to face facts. It's over. [hangs his head for emphasis, then walks off]\nStan: [softly] Over? [walks away dejected. He's next seen in bed, a blanket hung across his window blocking out the outside light. He has his sheets drawn up tight against his chin. A few moments later, Kyle enters with Butters, Cartman, Jimmy and Kenny. Kyle studies his friend.] Jesus...\nButters: We came over to cheer you up, Stan!\nStan: [softly, creaking] ...Go away.\nKyle: Stan, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to go live.\nStan: Why? What's the point of living when the only girl I ever loved is gone?\nCartman: God, what a fag!\nKyle: Dude, not now! [Cartman looks down, embarrassed]\nStan: You guys have no idea how this feels. It's like, you always hear songs about a broken heart and you think it's just a figure of speech? But it's true. My chest hurts. I feel this like, sinking feeling where my heart is. It's broken...\nKyle: Jeez, he's worse than I thought.\nButters: Well what do we do now?\nJimmy: Should I try telling him a fa-fantastic joke?\nKyle: No. We just have to show him that there's other girls out there. I say we take him to Raisins.\nButters: What's Raisins?\nScene Description: Next day, Raisins, a Hooters-like restaurant with al-fresco dining. The boys enter the restaurant, and a pretty little girl in a Raisins outfit walks up. Other girls walk around, all seem to work there\nBlonde: Hey guys, welcome to Raisins. Six of you? [smiles and grabs some menus from the counter] Right over here. [leads the boys to their table]\nRedhead: [waits at a table] So you guys having a good time today?\nDiners: [Table 1, say, enthralled] Uh huh...\nBlonde 2: [waits at the next table] How about some more fun fries, guys?\nDiners: [Table 2, enthralled] Okay... [the waitress at the other end of the table smiles]\nBrunette: [at the same table] Boy, am I glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool.\nBlonde: [leaving them at their table] Here you go, guys. Lexus will be right with you.\nKyle: What do you think, Stan. These girls are pretty cute, huh?\nJimmy: Jesus Christ, I think I've died and... gone to... heaven.\nButters: This place is awesome!\nCartman: How do you know? We haven't even tried the food yet.\nLexus: [with flyaway light brown hair] Hey guys.\nButters: Whoa!\nLexus: How are we doing this afternoon?\nThe boys: Good.\nLexus: I'm so glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool.\nButters: [amazed] W-we are.\nLexus: So what can I get you?\nCartman: Okay, um, we're gonna get the zingy tangy wings, and mozzarella tasty tarts [Lexus winks at Butters] and uh, OH, and the bite-size pizzazzas, and a pitcher of lemonade.\nLexus: Great. I'll put your order in right now. [strokes Butters' shoulders, which sends shivers of excitement through his body]\nButters: You guys! I think our Raisins girl likes me. She, she touched my back when she walked away. Did you see that?\nLexus: [near the kitchen] Raisins, girls! [sends an order along a conveyor to the kitchen staff]\nBlonde 3: Woohoo!\nRedhead: Oh Yeah!\nBrunette 2: [farther away] Do it!\nKyle: Hey. Hey, look over there, Stan. That Raisins girl is really cute, huh? [a Raisins girl walks by with long black hair] Why don't you say hi to her? [calls out] Excuse me? [motions for her to come over]\nBrunette 3: [walks back and to the table] Hi guys. My name's Porsche.\nKyle: Hey. Uh, this is Stan.\nPorsche: Oh hey cutie. How are you? I love your hat. I used to have a hat juuust like that, except, it was black and it didn't have a puffball on it. Oh my God, my hands are sooo cold. How come people have hands, anyway? Did you ever wonder that? [Stan looks more and more miserable with every word coming out of her mouth.]\nScene Description: Some time later, still dining. The Village People's \"YMCA\" begins to play, and some Raisins girls begin to dance\nRaisins girls: YMCA... [they make the hand signs for the letters. The rest of the diners look over at them and cheer them on] YMCA-A.\nCartman: [really stuffed, with a soiled face] Omigod! You guys... this is the greatest place in the world... [their meals have been served]\nPorsche: [still regaling Stan, who hasn't touched his food] Have you ever noticed how much sand there is at the beach? I mean, haven't you ever wondered where all this sand came from? Omigod, this one time, I saw a beetle that was thiiis big. Eeewww!\nStan: Can we go, please?\nKyle: Okay. Okay, come on you guys. [they all hop off their seats and walk off]\nPorsche: Oooh my God, thank you guys sooo much for coming to Raisins! [Butters is last to leave]\nLexus: [sees him and stalls him] Oooh, sweetie, are you leaving?\nButters: Well, I don't want to, Lexus, but my stupid friends wanna go.\nLexus: Awww, well, when am I gonna get to see you again??\nButters: When do you wanna see me?\nLexus: [holds on to him] As soon as possible!\nButters: Oh my God! Here, we left you a tip already, but here is another five dollars. [hands her the bill]\nLexus: Oooh, you are such a sweetie. Come here, youuu! [comes around and gives him a full embrace and hugs him]\nButters: [hugs her back] Waa... ahaaah... [the other boys arrive at the entrance]\nRaisins girl: Bye, guys! Thanks for coming to Raisins!\nJimmy: Well, Stan. Do you feel, uhb- better now?\nStan: No, dude, I feel worse!\nKyle: Look, we're just trying to show you there's other girls out there.\nStan: Dude, I don't have time to start over with other girls. I'm nine years old, dude! If I don't work things out with Wendy, I could be alone my whole life!\nButters: [catches up to the other boys] She wants to see me again! My Raisins girl said she wants to see me again!\nStan: I can't let Wendy go. This whole time I've been having my friends do all the talking for me. It's time I took control! [turns and opens one of the doors]\nKyle: What are you doing?\nStan: Something I should have done a long time ago. [walks out the door and into the night]\nScene Description: Bebe's house, night. Stan walks towards the front door, looks around, and knocks three times. No response, so he knocks again. The door opens and Bebe appears\nStan: Bebe, you need to go talk to Wendy for me right now! [Bebe rolls her eyes and sighs] All this time I've been trying to have my friends do all the talking for me! Now I realize I need her friends to do it! Tell her I love her!\nBebe: Stan, why don't you show her you love her? If you really want Wendy back, try doing the most romantic thing you can think of.\nStan: [thinks] Okay, so what's the most romantic thing I can think of?\nBebe: If you really want a shot at getting her back, stand outside her window, hold a boombox over your head, and play [closes her eyes] Peter Gabriel.\nScene Description: Wendy's house, night. Stan stands on the lawn with a boombox, looking up at Wendy's window. He presses the play button and holds up the boombox. Peter Gabriel's \"Shock the Monkey\" plays from somewhere in the middle. Wendy appears at the window and looks down, her jaw dropping. Stan holds the boombox higher, keeping Wendy's gaze on him. Wendy covers her mouth as Token appears next to her at the window. Stan's jaw drops. Wendy leaves the window. Token unleashes the curtain ties, and the curtains close upon the window\nScene Description: Raisins, night, outside. The outside lights turn off. Butters waits outside on the curb with a present. The front door opens and Lexus appears. Butters rises to greet her\nLexus: Okay, Porsche, see you tomorrow. Bye, Mercedes.\nButters: [approaches] Lexus! [she takes a few steps back]\nLexus: Oh. Oh, hi, sweetie.\nButters: I waited all night for you to get off work.\nLexus: Oh, really? [takes a few more steps back] Huhunh, that's great. Uhm, Maury...\nButters: I I just could- I just couldn't stop thinking about you.\nMaury: [a huge bouncer] There a problem?\nLexus: Could you uh just help walk me to my- bike?\nMaury: Right. [steps up behind her and shoves Butters aside. He keeps his arm in place so Butters doesn't get any closer to Lexus]\nLexus: [to Butters] Thanks again for the big tip. You are such a sweetie. Come back and see me real soon, okay? [moves forward, with Maury close behind]\nButters: Oh wait, Lexus. Jeheez, I almost forgot. Ah I got you this present.\nLexus: [stops and grabs it] Oh wow. Thanks, cutie.\nButters: It's a little stuffed bear dressed as a rabbit. [tries to get closer, but Maury holds him back]\nLexus: Gosh, that's the nicest gift I've gotten all night. Thank you. [reaches her bike] Well I gotta go, honey. Be sure to come back to Raisins and see me again, okaaay? [unlocks her bike from its post]\nButters: [tries to get closer, but Maury him back] Well yeah, but, but, hey, [tries to get closer, but Maury him back] hey Lexus? Well I was thinking, well, I was thinking that we should- go do something sometime.\nLexus: Oh gee, that would be great, honey, but I'm reeeally busy this week. Tell you what: you come back to Raisins and then we'll be able to hang out all we want, okay? [Maury helps her on to her bike]\nButters: O-kay!\nLexus: Bye, cutie!\nButters: Bye, bye darling! [Maury turns and goes back to the restaurant. Butters holds his hands over his heart] Wow... a real-life relationship.\nScene Description: [South Park Elementary, day. All the boys are in various stages of dress. Most of them are in their P.E. uniforms.]\nMr. Garrison: [sternly] All right, kids! Out on the gym floor for P.E. class. [the boys break up and head to their lockers. Stan remains on a bench on his back, alone, with just a towel and his hat on]\nKyle: [returns] Come on, Stan. We're gonna play dodgeball.\nStan: [with emotion in his voice] I can't believe it. She's in love with somebody else.\nKyle: Dude, you need to snap out of this! So Wendy left you for Token. What are you gonna do? Just be miserable your whole life?\nStan: There's nothing else I can do. She was my whole life.\nKyle: Aw, come on, dude! All you've done for the last four days is mope around! You might as well hang out with those Goth kids who dress in black and talk about pain all the time!\nStan: Maybe I should. At least they will understand me. Maybe I should hang with the Goth kids.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, loading bay. Stan finds the goth kids.\nPete: [with black puffy, feathery hair, streaked in red] Life is pain. Life is only pain. [his hair falls over his right eye, he jerks his head back to put it back in place] We're all taught to believe in happy fairytale endings. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] eats at your soul.\nMichael: [dressed in something like a tuxedo, sporting a curly pompadour] Who needs that kind of Barbie love, anyway? Everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make thirty-four thousand dollars a year to buy your condominium. They're all zombies racing to their graves. Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me?\nHenrietta: My dad is such an asshole. Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist. But then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroine-addict aunt is coming over for dinner. [takes a puff] Dinner? That's a laugh. Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the Britney Spears wannabes at this school.\nFirkle: They're all a bunch of Nazi conformists cheerleaders. [Stan looks stunned at the age of this youngest of Goths]\nStan: But if life is only pain, then... what's the point of living?\nPete: Just to make life more miserable for the conformists. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back]\nStan: All right, so how do I join you?\nMichael: If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.\nStan: ...'K.\nScene Description: Raisins, day. Raisins is preparing for a new day of food and fun. Mercedes escorts a new employee around\nMercedes: Okay, I know it's your first day, Ferrari, so I wanna go over the basics with you.\nFerrari: Okay.\nMercedes: First of all, there's a five foot rule. If you come within five feet of a customer, you need to acknowledge them, even if they're not at your table. \"Hey, cutie.\" [waves and winks] When you're not serving food or talking with customers, you need to dance around and have fun. [they stop by a wooden bucket] We use things like Hula Hoops, silly strings, and water guns to play with the other girls. Be sure to giggle a lot, and be sure to show off your raisins. [they leave the bucket] Now, when you take a customer's order, you need to sit down at the table with them and make them think you're interested. Write your name down for them and make them feel special. \"Oh man, I am so bored. Thank God you guys came in.\" If you want good tips, the most important thing is physical contact. Just a simple hold of the arm can mean the difference between five and twenty dollars. \"I'll be right back with your order, guys.\" [holds Ferrari's shoulder]\nFerrari: Wow, thank you so much, Mercedes.\nMercedes: Okay. Well, I guess we're ready to open for business. Good luck. [Ferrari walks off] Go ahead and open for business, Porsche!\nPorsche: Okay! [opens the doors and Butters bolts in, quite excitedly]\nRaisins girl: Hi, welcome to Raisins!\nButters: Hi! Is Lexus here?\nLexus: Hey, cutie.\nButters: Darling!\nLexus: [hugs him] How are we doing today?\nButters: [hugs back] Oh God. I missed you so much.\nScene Description: Henrietta's room. It's quite the room, with posters for Skippy Puppy and the Nothing Matters tour, a Blauhaus poster, candles all around, a mace on the floor, cigarettes next to a book, an ornate candelabrum and chair, and a darkened atmosphere.\nHenrietta: [Reciting her poem] Shallow life. Drowning alone, I gasp for air. Coldness creeps over pale skin. There is sadness so deep it pulls me down Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea.\nPete: Yeah, happiness dies. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back]\nStan: [dressed all in black, with a black hat with puffball] Yeah.\nMichael: All right, your turn, Stan. Read one of your poems about pain.\nStan: [takes up his paper and reads his poem] There is darkness all around me Deep, piercing black, I cannot breathe My heart has been raped.\nHenrietta: Whoa.\nStan: [continues] The pain is everlasting. I miss you so much, babe. Want to hold you in my arms again, girl. Want to-\nPete: Whoa, whoa! Dude! Those last two lines aren't Goth!\nStan: They're not?\nMichael: No, dude! You can't say \"I miss you so much, babe. I want to hold you in my arms.\"\nHenrietta: Make it \"I miss seeing you so much I wanna slash my eyes out with razor blades.\"\nHenrietta's mom: [the bedroom door opens and a blindingly invasive amount of light comes in, she looks inside] Henrietta! Hi sweetie!\nHenrietta: Go away Mom! Leave me alone!\nHenrietta's mom: Daddy and I just got your birthday present! But you can't see what it is till tomorrow!\nHenrietta: You'd like to wait till I was dead, wouldn't you? You'd like to see maggots eat my face.\nHenrietta's mom: Ee-you are so creative, honey.\nHenrietta: Conformist bitch.\nOther Goths: Yeah.\nScene Description: Raisins, day. Two of the Raisins girls are entertaining the child customers, who respond enthusiastically. The phone rings and Porsche arrives to answer it.\nPorsche: Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Porsche. Have you tried our Double Whammy Wings?\nButters: [seated on his bed in his room. A picture of Lexus is taped to his wall next to the window. The action switches back and forth] Hi. Is Lexus there, please? This is her boyfriend. [Lexus happens to walk by, and Porsche hands her the phone.]\nLexus: Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Lexus.\nButters: Hey Lexus.\nLexus: Hi, sweetie! Who's this?\nButters: Wuh it's me, Butters.\nLexus: Oh, okay. Hi, cutie. [keeps an eye out for passing customers. Three boys walk by and she covers the phone's receiver] Hey sweetie. [lifts her hand from the receiver] So how are you, honey?\nButters: I'm fine. I miss you though. [lays on his back, getting comfortable] Yeah, school was pretty tough today. We had two quizzes, and one of them was a pop quiz. [shot of Lexus pouring lemonade into a pitcher] Sometimes I think our classes are too hard. [back to Butters' room] But I thought about you all day long. I promise. So how is your day going?\nLexus: Good, good.\nButters: Hey, hey sweetie, I was thinking tonight you could come over and we could watch The Exorcist on DVD.\nLexus: Oh, gee, I don't know, cutie. [another Raisins girl comes with glasses to refill, Lexus ] Why don't you just come down to Raisins?\nButters: Oh well, uh I kinda don't have any money left. Unh, I spent it all on Raisins the last six times.\nLexus: [waving to customers] Awww, that's too bad, cutie. I really wanna see you.\nButters: Oh, I really wanna see you too, baby. Eh don't, don't worry. I'll get more money\nLexus: [walks to the phone's base to end the conversation] 'K sugar. Gotta run.\nButters: Uh-okay. Uh, hey, Lexus, well, there's something I've been meaning to say. [Lexus has hung up and is walking away with her pitcher] Here it goes: Lexus, I- Oh jeeze, maybe I shouldn't say it- no wait, I want to say it. I love you. [hangs up quickly and nervously] Heeheee, heh, Oh my God.\nScene Description: Butters' house, living room. Butters arrives there moments later and faces the couch\nButters: Dad, I need an advance on my allowance again.\nStephen: O-hoo no Butters! You got an advance two days ago. [Linda is dusting off the family portrait by the front door.]\nButters: Uh but I spent it all.\nLinda: What are you spending all that money on, Butters?\nButters: On my girlfriend.\nStephen: [he and Linda are surprised] Girlfriend?\nLinda: You... have a girlfriend, Butters?\nButters: [bashfully, puts his hands behind his back] Yeah.\nChris: And she's... a... girl, right?\nButters: Yup!\nChris: Well all right! Good for you, Butters!\nLinda: Oh, that is so cute. When do we get to meet her?\nButters: Well, I was hopin' to go see her right now. You can come alone. [holds a cautionary finger] But don't embarrass me or nothin'. [lowers it] I'm sure she'll be real nervous to impress you.\nStephen: Don't worry, Butters. We just wanna say hi and then we'll leave you two alone.\nButters: Okay. [walks off]\nStephen: [holds out his hand] You see? I told you he wouldn't turn out gay.\nLinda: [hands him a bill] All right, you win.\nScene Description: Benny's, night. \"We're always open.\" The Goth kids are seated at a booth drinking coffee. A middle-aged waitress walks by with a pot of coffee\nMichael: Hey, can we get more coffee over here?\nWaitress: Damn it, are you kids just gonna sit here all night again and drink six dollars' work of coffee?! Why don't you get a life?! [walks away]\nMichael: [bitterly] Conformist. Have fun in your rat-race life, living paycheck to paycheck for corporate gains.\nOther Goths: Yeah.\nPete: [to Stan] Dude, you haven't drank your coffee. [his hair falls over his face, he jerks his head back]\nStan: Well I don't drink coffee.\nPete: You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee. [Stan picks up his mug and drinks. Kyle enters the restaurant and approaches Stan's booth]\nKyle: Oh Jesus Christ, I had to see it to believe it! What the hell are you doing?!\nStan: [sips some coffee] Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul. [sips some coffee. Pete jerks his hair back into place]\nKyle: God-damnit dude, your mom and dad want you to come home!\nStan: So they can fill my head with more Disney lies about how perfect the world is? I don't think so.\nPete: Yeah. Why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole? [jerks his hair back into place] You just don't know what real pain is.\nKyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!\nPete: I'm not gonna live in a Third-World country with all the conformists.\nKyle: Stan, this is it. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and come home! Everyone cares about you and everyone wants you back!\nStan: What about Wendy? Isn't she still with Token?\nKyle: Yeah. She is.\nStan: Then people shouldn't care about me-ehhh. Because I don't care about them. What's the point of caring if all it brings is pain?\nHenrietta: For sure.\nKyle: [walks away, defeated] Fine. That's it. I give up. Have fun being miserable.\nStan: [sips some coffee] ...conformist.\nOther Goths: Yeah.\nScene Description: Raisins, night. Butters and his parents arrive.\nButters: Here we are, Mom and Dad! [they enter, but his parents are immediately troubled by the setting]\nMercedes: Hi, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?\nButters: Hi, Mercedes. It's me, Lexus's boyfriend. I brought my parents over to meet her.\nMercedes: Great. [gets some menus] Be sure to try our Cheddar Poppers. Right this way. [leads them to a table]\nRaisins girl: Who else wants a signed Raisins Girls calendar for five dollars? [the table she approaches cheers]\nDiners: Woohoo, all right, yeah! [the Stotches look around, amazed]\nLinda: Stephen, what is this place?\nStephen: I, don't know.\nMercedes: [stops at a table] Here you go. Porsche will by right with you. [walks off]\nButters: Go ahead and have a seat, guys. Ah I've gotta go and find Lexus! [runs off. Stephen and Linda take their seats]\nRaisins girl: [blonde, to a boy at a table nearby] Hey cutie, you having a good time?\nBoy: Yeah.\nStephen: Oh boy, I think I know what's happened. Our son hasn't learned yet that girls will pretend to like him for money.\nLinda: [holds her hands together] This place is horrible. To objectify girls like this.\nPorsche: [arrives] Hi guys. Can I take your order?\nLinda: Little girl, you shouldn't be working here.\nPorsche: I shouldn't? Where I supposed to be working?\nLinda: No, I mean you shouldn't work somewhere where you're paid for how you look. You should be learning a skill so you can grow up to be a businesswoman or even a doctor. Who knows? You could cure cancer.\nPorsche: I could cure cancer? Oh-my-god! That would be sooo cool! I had a cancer sore on my lip once and it hurt sooo bad.\nLinda: ... Oh. Never mind, I think Raisins might be the perfect place for you.\nPorsche: Cool! [grins and hops off the stool, then carries it off. Butters arrives with Lexus, who carries a plate of chips]\nButters: Mom? Dad? This is Lexus.\nLexus: Hi. Welcome to Raisins.\nStephen: Uh, Butters, can we have a little talk with you? Outside?\nButters: Huh? Oh anything you have to say to me [holds on to Lexus] you can say in front of Lexus.\nLinda: Butters, these girls pretend to be interested in you because they know you'll give them tips.\nButters: Huh?\nStephen: You see, Butters, women know that they can make men do anything by flirting. And some girls, like these, turn that into a profession.\nButters: Oh, I see. [gets angry] You don't approve of my girlfriend! [Lexus looks off and smiles at somebody] Well let me tell you somethin', Mom and Dad, our love is as pure as a mountain spring! The odds may be stacked against us, but we're gonna give it our best shot! And so, if you can't be happy for us, y-you can just go to heck, Mom and Dad! [walks away from the table with Lexus] Come on, Lexus. I'm movin' out of my parents' house and I'm movin' in with you. Uh let's blow this joint!\nLexus: What are you talking about, kid? We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend.\nButters: ... What? Lexus, what are you saying? Are you saying... you don't want to be together anymore?\nLexus: I'm sorry, sweetie. Yes.\nButters: So that's it? We're broken up now?\nLexus: I gotta go, i gotta get these curly fries to Table 12. [walks off]\nButters: Well go ahead and go. It's best we don't say anything more. There's nothing left to say. It's over. [walks off dejected] Our relationship is o-over.\nScene Description: Stan did, at the curb under a working street light. Some shadows move in on him and stop when they cover most of his head\nMichael: Look at that. Another tortured soul.\nPete: Another life of pain. [Butters looks up to see the Goths. Stan isn't shown yet.]\nMichael: Hey Raven, check it out. [Stan, now named Raven, enters the picture]\nStan: Butters?\nButters: Oh [sniff, wipes away his tears] Uh hey, hey Stan.\nStan: What's the matter with you?\nButters: [sobbing] Well, mu mu mu girlfriend broke up with me.\nHenrietta: Did she step on your heart with stiletto heels?\nButters: Yeah. [sniff] It sure does hurt.\nMichael: That's cool. I guess you can join up with us if you want.\nPete: Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.\nButters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life.\nStan: Huh? But you just got dumped.\nButters: Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad. It's like, [sobs] it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid...\nPete: Yeah.\nStan: No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all.\nButters: Well, thanks for offerin' to let me in your clique, guys, uh but, to be honest, I'd rather be a cryin' little pussy than a faggy Goth kid. Well see ya, Stan. [walks off]\nStan: He's right. I don't even know who I am anymore. I like liking life a whole lot more than hating it. As Cartman would you say, Screw you guys, I'm goin' home. [walks off]\nMichael: Go ahead and go back to your sunshine fairytale!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. The school kids are back at play. The same two teams face off, except that Bill has replaced Token on Stan's team, and Stan hasn't arrived yet.\nKyle: [prepares to receive the football] Okay, it's third down. And now, somebody make a play!\nStan: [arrives] Hey, can I join in? [the other boys turn around]\nKyle: What happened? Aren't you still wallowing in pain?\nStan: Yeah, it still hurts a lot, but ...I just realized that there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life, so, I'd better learn to deal with it the right way. [Token and Wendy walk by at this point] Hey Wendy! [Token and Wendy look] You're a bitch,.. Token? [flips him off] Right here, buddy. [Token and Wendy walk off, insulted]\nKyle: Well. Dude, it's uh it's good to have you back.\nStan: Yeah. Let's play ball."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. \"Happy Chanukah\" The Broflovski family sings as Gerald lights the first candle on the Chanukah menorah.\nThe Broflovskis: Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov\nIke: I gotta go tinkle.\nKyle: No Ike! Shh!\nThe Broflovskis: [while Ike and Kyle talk] Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim vi-tov.\nGerald: We thank God for our blessings this Chanukah. Our little family is so loving, and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart. [the doorbell rings] I'll get it. [goes to answer the door. A Canadian couple stands at the entrance]\nMan: Gerald Broflovski?\nGerald: Yes?\nMan: My name is Harry Gintz and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.\nGerald: Yes, I can tell.\nHarry: My wife and I had a child a few years back, and, we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption. [Kyle and Ike come into view] We were told that you might be the-\nElise: Peter! [rushes in] Oh God, Harry! It's our son! [approaches and kneels. Ike hides behind Kyle] Peter, it's Mommy.\nSheila: Gerald, what the hell is going on?\nGerald: I'm not sure.\nScene Description: Moments later, both couples are at the dining room table.\nHarry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby.\nElise: So we put him up for adoption. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. [Kyle eavesdrops on the conversation, with Ike at his side] Oh it's so good to see him.\nSheila: Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gintz, but to be honest, I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again.\nElise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit Peter, we came to take him back.\nGerald: What?\nHarry: We want to take Peter home, to Canada.\nSheila: Are you crazy?!\nGerald: Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just change your mind.\nHarry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home.\nSheila: The new Canadian Prime Minister?\nGerald: Look, Ike is our son now!\nHarry: He doesn't belong here. He belongs in Canada with his own kind.\nSheila: I think you'd better leave.\nHarry: Please, don't make things any harder for Peter.\nGerald: Harder for Peter?! Now you two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we're being hard on Peter?!\nHarry: We're prepared to go to court! We had hoped it wouldn't come to that!\nGerald: Well you bet your ass it'll come to that!\nScene Description: Park County courtroom, day.\nJudge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award custody of the child to his birth parents.\nThe Gintzes: Yes!\nElise: Yes!\nSheila: No!\nKyle: [frightened] Ike's not my little brother anymore?\nSheila: Gerald, do something!\nGerald: There's nothing I can do.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Sheila cries as Gerald sends Ike off.\nGerald: Good-bye, Ike. You... [wipes a tear from his eyes] be a good boy, huh? You... remember all the things we taught you. [kisses Ike on the head and steps back to console Sheila. Kyle steps forward.]\nKyle: Ike, you'll always be my little brother, okay?\nHarry: Come on, Peter, we should get going.\nIke: [holds onto Kyle] No!\nElise: Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy.\nIke: No no no no no!\nHarry: [whips out a chocolate bar] I have some chocolate.\nIke: Chocolate! [rushes for the candy, and Harry settles him inside the car]\nHarry: We're going to take good care of him.\nKyle: You'd better! [Harry closes the car door and goes to his side, then settles in to drive. The car lunges forward on square wheels. Kyle looks as Ike goes away. Ike looks back] Dad, can't we talk to this new Canadian Prime Minister? If he knew the situation, he might be-\nGerald: Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money we don't have.\nScene Description: Luau's Toys, night. It's dressed for Christmas. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny look inside the shop through the window.\nCartman: Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory. I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas.\nStan: Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action.\nKyle: Guys. [the other boys turn to face him] Guys, I need your help.\nStan: Sure dude.\nKyle: It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse. I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.\nCartman: We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's Christmas!\nStan: Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure?\nKyle: Please, you guys, you don't understand. [walks off some distance] My family is devastated. My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying.\nCartman: Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle, but I think this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmas time.\nStan: Dude, Cartman.\nCartman: I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having a little revenge, that's all.\nKyle: [returns] I found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-\nStan: Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada. Look, they're about to light the Christmas tree. Maybe you can get your brother back some other way. [he, Cartman and Kenny leave. Cartman stops and returns]\nCartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year, I still wouldn't help you. [walks off in the direction of the other boys. Kyle walks off sadly in the other direction]\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, night. The town Christmas tree is up, City Hall is decked out in Christmas decorations.\nCrowd: Three! Two! One! [The lights to the Christmas tree are plugged in] Yaaaaay!\nMayor McDaniels: As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering. As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them. As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain. Are there any suggestions how we might help?\nMr. Garrison: How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans? [a few seconds of silence]\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you \"NO!\"\nMr. Garrison: Rats!\nChef: The Broflovskis need money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. What if this Christmas, instead of buyin' presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis?\nCartman: HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas!\nLiane: That's a great idea, Chef.\nCartman: What?\nRandy: Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway? This Christmas we can do somethin' that really matters!\nStan: [trying to rein in his dad's enthusiasm] Dad, don't get carried away.\nMayor McDaniels: Then it's settled: This year we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis, in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them. [the crowd cheers and disperses]\nCartman: No! No, this can't be happening! [Kenny, Heidi and Clyde remain there as well. Clyde begins to cry.]\nScene Description: Kyle walks down the street still depressed. Cartman bounds in before him.\nCartman: You fucking asshole!! This is all your fault!!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!! [Stan and Kenny walk in behind him] You fucking Jews ruined Christmas again!! [lunges after Kyle] AAAAAA!! [Stan and Kenny jump in and hold him back]\nStan: Whoa whoa, Cartman.\nCartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh?!\nStan: Cartman, calm down!\nKyle: [to Stan] Is that true?\nStan: It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined.\nCartman: [takes off his mittens and coat] This is it, Kyle. You and me. We're throwin' down. Right now.\nKyle: I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money.\nCartman: You really think if we go to Canada we might still get Christmas presents?\nKyle: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.\nStan: Oh all right, but we'd better not miss out on great Christmas adventures.\nKyle: [reassuring] We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.\nCartman: Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once and for all.\nScene Description: City Wok, night. \"Christmas Special: Chinese Food For The Holidays\" Mr. Kim sits at one of his tables with nothing to do.\nMr. Kim: No business... Christmas time come and nobody wanna eat Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [a phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Shitty Wok, take ur orda prease!\nKyle: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines.\nMr. Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [flips a sign over so it now reads \"City Airlines\" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?\nKyle: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.\nMr. Kim: Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a lot of money... hmm let's see. How many people?\nKyle: Four.\nMr. Kim: Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a lot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred dolla.\nKyle: How about fifty daura?\nMr. Kim: Fifty daura?! You flight to Canada cost at least three thousand dollar!\nKyle: Fifty-five daura.\nMr. Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time with fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!\nKyle: Okay. Sixty daura.\nMr. Kim: Sixty-two daura.\nKyle: Okay.\nMr. Kim: Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.\nKyle: Got it. [hangs up]\nMr. Kim: [hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.\nScene Description: Park County Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the boys approach the yellow Cessna.\nCartman: We have exactly fifty-two hours before Christmas. [this sets it at 8 p.m. December 22] That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our patents twenty-four hours to buy us presents. Synchronize watches on my mark. Mark.\nMr. Kim: Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine. [Stan and Kyle move ahead. Kenny stays with Cartman]\nCartman: [shakes his head vigorously] Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!\nKenny: (Me neither!)\nKyle: Why not?\nKenny: ('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!)\nKyle: You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be stupid.\nCartman: You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.\nStan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?\nCartman: Of course I care about Christmas- oh, Christ on a stick! [he and Kenny head for the plane]\nScene Description: Cessna 432G, inside.\nCartman: Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!\nMr. Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Looking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Shitty fright. [he turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.]\nKyle: All right! We're going to Canada!\nCartman: Weak.\nScene Description: Cessna 432G, day. The flight has taken longer than two hours. The boys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr. Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power.\nMr. Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [a sudden noisy dip awakens the boys]\nStan: What's going on??\nMr. Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away]\nKyle: Hey, where the hell are you going?? [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out]\nStan: Do something, Kyle! [Kyle grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane]\nKyle: I'm trying! [the plane bounces around in the air]\nCartman: Look out!\nKenny: (N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!) [the plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. The boys scramble out of the rubble and walk into the town]\nScene Description: Now begins the \"Wizard of Oz\" sequence. The boys look around in wonder. A pair of legs is seen at a bench, but no head is shown.\nStan: You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore. [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the boys turn back around]\nCanadian man: Excuse me? [a head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion?\nKyle: No.\nCanadian man: [a doctor, it seems] Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [people come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around]\nKyle: Hey! We're in Canada!\nDoctor: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!\nCanadians: Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!\nSailor: [walks up] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?\nBusinessman: [walks up and joins him] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?\nKyle: Uh. My adopted brother got taken back here to Canada? So, we want to talk to the new Canadian Prime Minister about getting him back?\nCanadians: His brother is our quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think his brother's home's back there.\nCartman: Oh Jesus Christ.\nScott: [shows up] Hey! What the hell is going on?!\nCanadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [they all take off in different directions]\nScott: Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?!\nKyle: Who's that?\nDoctor: That's Scott! He's a dick\nScott: [fixes his gaze on the boys and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!\nDoctor: Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these boys alone!\nScott: This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [walks off]\nMan in barrel: God, what a dick!\nKyle: Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?\nDoctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [the other Canadians concur]\nKyle: So how do we get to Ottawa?\nWrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.\nCartman: Which road?!\nFirefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [he moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the boys through]\nPriest: Follow the only road.\nMan: Follow the only road.\nCanadians: To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road. There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road. Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.\nRoad workers: And it's paved and wide and up to code.\nStan: All right dude, let's get the hell out of here!\nKyle: Word!\nCanadians: You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!\nDoctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!\nCanadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck.\nScene Description: The Road, day.\nCartman: [checking his watch] Twenty hours until Christmas. Our parents still have time to buy us presents IF we hurry. [a mountie appears]\nMountie: Ahoy there, travelers.\nKyle: Who are you?\nMountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [he's shown riding a sheep]\nSheep: Baaaah.\nStan: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.\nRick: [hangs his head a bit] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...\nSheep: Baaaah.\nCartman: But if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.\nRick: You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.\nKyle: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.\nRick: Follow me this way! We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!\nScott: [monitoring their progress over remote cameras] Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you!\nScene Description: Further down the Road, Rick and the boys pass through another town.\nCartman: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!\nRick: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.\nKyle: French Canada?\nFrench Canadians: [Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it is Euro Disney, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best.] There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land. Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.\nMime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.\nHockey player: We have everything your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.\nArtist: [takes off his mustache] Would you like a moustache?\nRick: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks.]\nStan: Ah, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.\nMime: Well first you must answer that phone. [makes his left hand into a phone receiver] Ring-ring. Ring-ring.\nKyle: We don't have time for this.\nMime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! [holds out his \"phone\"] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Kyle responds by make his right hand into a phone and answering]\nKyle: Hello?\nMime: Allo. If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.\nArtist: [walks up to the boys] How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!\nKyle: Okay, you can come with us.\nMime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!\nFrench Canadians: [they escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie] There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land. And ze ozer Canada.\nMime: Is a bullshit Canada\nFrench Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [the small group leaves the town behind]\nMime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand.\nScene Description: Newfoundland. The group arrives at a dark place.\nRick: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!\nMime: It reminds me of death and fear.\nCartman: How much further to Ottawa?! Christmas is only twelve hours away.\nRick: We must be very close now.\nScott: [jumps out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?!\nRick: Waaaah!\nMime: Oh no. It's Scott.\nScott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!\nRick: You're a dick, Scott!\nScott: You're a dick! And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!\nFisherman: [exits a house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not so fast, Scott!\nScott: Who the hell are you?!\nFisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you're on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!\nScott: Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group]\nRick: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!\nKyle: God-damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister! NOW!\nSteve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.\nMime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.\nKyle: Can we just get going, please?\nSteve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.\nStan: What?\nSteve: You folks are goin' the wrong way.\nStan: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.\nSteve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.\nRick: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [points behind the group]\nMime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!\nStan: [grimacing] Oh no!\nCartman: [glaring at Rick] How could you be so stupid!\nKyle: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!\nRick: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!\nMime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [the three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard]\nRick: [peeks with his left eye] Is it working?\nCartman: Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! I told you if I missed Christmas we were gonna throw down! [puts up his fists] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [grabs Kyle by the collar]\nSteve: [now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?\nRick: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!\nKyle: Well come on! [everyone hops into the boat]\nSteve: Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [the boat leaves the dock and goes on its way]\nKyle: Do you think we can still make it in time?\nCartman: We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead.\nScene Description: The Parliament building, dawn. Steve and the rest of the party pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds.\nSteve: Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.\nMime: Ze Prime Minister is inside.\nCartman: [hops off the boat and runs towards Parliament] Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost Christmas! [the rest of the group follows]\nScene Description: The Parliament building, entrance. Kyle knocks on the heavy wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman looks out through it.\nDoorman: Yes?\nKyle: We need to see the new Prime Minister.\nDoorman: Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! [slams the window shut]\nMime: Oh well, so much for zat. [turns around and slowly walks away]\nSteve: Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? [joins the Mime]\nKyle: No. No!! [knocks on the door again. Steve and the Mime turn around]\nDoorman: [opens his window again] Yes?\nKyle: Please, sir. I traveled a long way to get here. He's the only person who can help me.\nDoorman: [a big smug] The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Good-bye!\nKyle: [turns around and walks off slowly] Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going to get my brother back. [sits down on the steps farther away from the door]\nCartman: And... I'm not going to get any Christmas presents. [sits on the steps]\nStan: And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure. [sits between the two of them]\nKenny: (And I'm not gonna have last 5 days without death...) [his voice trails off and he joins the others on the steps. They all cry]\nDoorman: [begins to cry with the boys] Oh please! Please stop crying.\nCartman: [through his tears] I'm gonna kill you, Kyle.\nDoorman: All right all right, I was lying. The Prime Minister IS here.\nKyle: [turns around] Really? [the boys stand and approach the doors]\nDoorman: Yes yes. Come in. [opens the large wooden doors, and the group enters.]\nScene Description: The Parliament building, inside. The group walks down a long hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which sits at the center and has a holograph of the Prime Minister hovering over it\nPrime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What do you guys want?\nKyle: [after a few moments, steps forth] Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who have given their children up for adoption to change their minds. My little brother was-\nScott: Not so fast! [soon appears with the Gintses]\nKyle: Ike!\nIke: Kyle!\nScott: Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins! Would you send him back to America with those world-hungry scum?!\nKyle: Please, sir. I came because I don't think Ike belongs here. Family isn't about whose blood you have in you, family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you. We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother. We've taken care of him because he needed us to, and that makes us more family than anything. [Harry and Elise look at each other]\nPrime Minister: That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!\nScott: Haha, you lose, Americans!\nRick: Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.\nMime: And we won't get our wine.\nSteve: And we can't perform sodomy, eh?\nKyle: But why are you making such strange laws??\nPrime Minister: I SAID GO! [a blast from his holographic eyes incinerates Kenny]\nKenny: (Aah!) [Kenny explodes and pieces of him splatter all over the boys]\nStan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!\nKyle: [walks over to the charred remains] You... bastards! [brushes off a bit of Kenny from his jacket] Wha, what the hell is wrong with you?? What kind of Prime Minister bases his decisions on hatred? [Stan dusts himself off] And, and takes away mounties' horses? [Stan notices a purple curtain nearby and walks over to it] And French people's wine? What the hell kind of Prime Minister are you, anyway?!\nPrime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada. [as he says this, Stan pulls the curtain back and Saddam Hussein appears behind it, cramped behind a console] I can do whatever I- [notices his cover is blown] Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.\nKyle: [the other members of the group gather in, as well as other people nearby] What the hell??\nRick: Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein!\nSaddam Hussein: Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, buddah. I'm not him.\nMime: Zat explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before.\nSoldier 1: Saddam Hussein?\nSoldier 2: He was fooling us?\nBusinessman: Get him! [the soldiers quickly seize him and haul him away]\nSaddam Hussein: Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate. Hey, relax! [the crowd pounces on him and tear him apart] Gah!\nRick: Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back!\nMime: And we can drink our wine.\nSteve: And I can sodomize me boys again\nHarry: [brings Ike over to Kyle] Young man, you... must really care for Peter to have come all this way.\nElise: Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back. He doesn't belong here. He belongs with his family.\nHarry: [gently drops Ike to the floor] Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado? [Ike walks over to Kyle and hugs him. Kyle returns the hug, and the Gintses hug as well, looking at the bond between Kyle and Ike. An alarm goes off. Cartman looks at his watch]\nStan: What is that?\nCartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in Canada.\nKyle: Well yeah, but ah-I got my brother back.\nCartman: Yeah! You got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! [takes off his mittens] And what did I tell you, Kyle?! [unbuttons his jacket, takes it off, and bunches it up] I told you that if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?! [tosses his jacket away]\nKyle: Dude, come on.\nCartman: Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! That's right! You and me! Right now! [puts up his fists] We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!! [Kyle puts up his fists and gives Cartman a quick right hook across the face. Cartman blinks a few times and begins to bawl while he's crying.] Mooooooom! Moooooooom!\nRick: Hey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!\nScene Description: Ottawa, day. A Christmas parade goes by and the crowds cheer and throw confetti. Saddam is paraded on his own float, with huge candy canes around him.\nCanadians: Ding dong, they caught Saddam! Merry Christmas to the world! Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam! [Santa's sleigh passes by and the boys are hoisted into it] Now Canada is free for you and you and me It's the best Christmas presents we ever got Canadian Christmas, it's the best! We drink and dance and show our breasts! Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught!\nStan: [sighs] Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year. [Cartman holds a towel over his left nostril, which is bleeding]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days. Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softlyv\nKyle: [stops so he doesn't get hurt and glares] Stop it, Cartman!\nCartman: Pfaha, so funny. [pulls out another firecracker, tosses it before Kyle, and cackles]\nKyle: [stops] Goddammit Cartman, stop throwin' those stupid poppy-things at me! [Cartman cackles some more. The boys approach a booth: Roger's Edge]\nRoger: Come on and take a look, folks. We've got a lot of knives for sale here. [Stan stops before a table, \"Weapons of Asia,\" and marvels at the weapons displayed there.]\nStan: Oh my God, look! [the other boys turn and walk up] Martial arts weapons from the Far East. [the sign reads \"Martial arts weapons of the Far East\"]\nKyle: [softly] Wow, cool.\nStan: Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and then we'll be like ninjas.\nCartman: Yeah. We won't have to take crap from anybody.\nKyle: [turns away] Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude. [the others turn as well]\nCartman: Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!\nStan: Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought. [the boys turn back to face the table] I'll get the tonfas. [they look like the nightsticks police use, but made of wood] Those are so sweet.\nCartman: I'm gonna get those killer sai. [swords with horns at the hilt are in there. Cartman notices a weapon off to the right] Look Kenny! There's something even you can afford! A ninja shuriken [ninja star] for a dollar ninety nine.\nKenny: (Shuriken. Awesome!)\nRoger: [approaches] Can I help you boys? [the boys step back from the table to see him.]\nStan: Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons.\nRoger: Okay, uh, you need to have your parents here when you buy them, though. I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen without parents' permission. [the boys look at each other]\nCartman: Parents? Parents?! [fakes a sob] Oh God! [starts sobbing loudly and turns away.]\nRoger: Wha- wha- what's the matter? [Cartman continues sobbing]\nStan: We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... died in a car accident last year.\nCartman: Why?! [Stan cries, then covers his eyes. Cartman turns around, still sobbing] Why?! Why did you have to take them both?! Why?! [Kenny begins to sob] Why?! [Kyle observes his friends, then joins them in the sobbing]\nKyle: Why do people have to keep reminding us of what we don't have?!\nRoger: [tries to soothe them] It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay? [takes a few weapons and leaves. The boys cry a bit more, then stop]\nStan: Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement mastering their new weapons. Each boy gets the weapon he wanted. Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchucks\nStan: [with his tonfa] Kiya! Kiya!\nKyle: Kaii yo! [one end of his nunchaku hits his hat a few times]\nCartman: Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you! [lunges] Iya!\nStan: [sweeps one of his tonfa around and transforms] With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great and powerful ninja Shadowhachi, born to fight evil and people I don't like.\nKyle: Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make me into Bunroku [he transforms], a deadly but compassionate ninja who protects those in trouble.\nStan: What's your ninja name, Kenny?\nKenny: [already transformed] (unintelligible)\nCartman: [already transformed] Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies.\nStan: All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world!\nCartman: Kick ass! [the boys head out]\nScene Description: Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed landscape\nCartman: Hey, you guys, you know what we should do? We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys. They'll be so jealous.\nKenny: (Yeah, that'd be awesome!)\nKyle: [cautions] No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people. Our parents'll find out we have them.\nCartman: Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!\nKyle: [the background is a motion blur] You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are sneaks and you are liars. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true.\nStan: Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go. [they walk off and approach Craig's house, which is done up in Japanese style. Stan stops and whispers] All right, this is it.\nCartman: Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig. [the boys approach quickly]\nKyle: I still say this is a bad idea.\nScene Description: Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door\nStan: Ninja positions! [the boys get into their first positions and Craig opens the door] Hello, Craig!\nCartman: [shows off his sai] Look what we got.\nCraig: Where'd you get those?\nStan: We can't tell you where we got 'em! It's secret ninja stuff.\nCartman: [moves past Stan] Ooo, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy.\nCraig: Uh-uh, they're not that cool.\nStan: Hyeah, \"they're not that cool.\" These are real authentic weapons from the Far East.\nKyle: But don't tell anybody we have them.\nCartman: Ugh.\nToken: [appears with Clyde, behind Craig] Whoa! Where'd you get those?!\nClyde: Let me see.\nStan: Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but we have important secret work to do. [turns and walks away]\nCartman: Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril. [he and the other two turn and walk away as well] Come on, ninjas!\nAll: Ho! [they trot off. Craig closes the door]\nScene Description: On the road\nCartman: Aw man, did you see the look on Craig's face?! That was awesome!\nStan: Dude, we're like the coolest kids in the whole state! [Butters shows up before them]\nButters: Hey fellas. What's happenin'?\nCartman: We're playing Ninjas, Butters.\nButters: Wowee! Hey, can I play, ninjas with you?\nCartman: No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting team sent to protect the world from evil, and you can't play with us.\nStan: Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very good ninja. Come on, guys. [the boys turn and walk off] We have a lot of work to do.\nCartman: Yes, and no time to do it. No time... [Butters stands in the open alone]\nButters: I think I'd make a really good ninja. [turns right and walks off towards home, rejected] Jeez, those guys never let me play with them. Uh, they just shun me all the time. [opens the front door and enters]\nScene Description: Butter's house. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice\nButters: I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person-\nLinda: Hi Butters.\nButters: Hi Mom. [walks upstairs] -a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude. [enters his room and heads for the closet] And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil. [enters the closet] Society cast me out, and so I vowed to make them all pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows that beneath this sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil, the most destructive super-villain of all time! [one swoosh of his cape and he transforms] Professor Chaos! [he holds his hands some distance apart and a ball of energy appears. This electrifies his whole body] Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas! [cackles. Now transformed, he makes his way downstairs. The stairs crack under his weight. He smashes his left fist into the wall, leaving a small crater in it. His mom looks on from the couch]\nLinda: Ooo, Butters, are you going out to play again?\nButters: [in a gravelly voice] Yeah Mom, I'm just goin' outside for a little while.\nLinda: Well, could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thomsons. I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.\nButters: Well, o- okay Mom. [sees the pie on the small end table by the foot of the stairs and carries it off] Bah! Gah! [in his mind, he's big and powerful. Every step he takes affects the house. The first dislodges the family portrait, the second dislodges it more, the third knocks it to the ground. He opens the front door, goes out and slams it shot, knocking it off its hinges]\nScene Description: On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms\nStan: Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way. My ninja sense is telling me we might be heading in the wrong direction.\nKyle: Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special power to see into the future and find out where we should head next.\nCartman: Hold on you guys. I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try it.\nKyle: God dammit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers!\nStan: Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!\nCartman: I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers.\nKyle: No asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?!\nCartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.\nKyle: That doesn't count, fatass!\nStan: Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get to have any powers!\nCartman: [protests] C'mon!\nButters: Haaa ha ha ha ha! [he appears with energy bristling all around him] Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas!\nKyle: Who the hell is that?\nStan: I dunno. Craig, is that you?\nButters: [strikes a ground pose] Fools! [jumps into the air and more energy surges from him. A fireball appears between his hands] I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of Destruction and Doom! [closeup] Your feeble ninja powers are no match for me!\nKyle: Whoa.\nCartman: Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nStan: [steps forth] Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along. Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa of Takanawa! [Stan strikes a battle pose and unleashes the energy from the tonfa tips. Butters shields himself with his cape, and the tonfa energy dissipates. Butters cackles] Hey kid, that knocks you down.\nButters: Nuh uh!\nStan: Yeah, huh, I got you!\nButters: Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a... titanium alloy that shields me from heat!\nCartman: That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!\nKyle: Well, let's see how he likes the icy blasts from my nunchucks of Sokuromoto! [whips them around a few times and unleashes an icy stream of energy towards Butters. The blasts knock Butters out of the air and he hits the ground with a thud.]\nButters: Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you shall feel the power of my Web of Holding! [leaps up into the air and jumps back down, strikes the ground with his right fist, and the ground cracks towards the boys, ending with them being tossed into the air. The boys land on the ground again and look up at Butters] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You are both trapped in spiderwebs! [two spiderwebs drop down and trap Stan and Kyle]\nCartman: All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay! [Cartman attempts to unleash energy with his hands, but nothing happens.] Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!\nKyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back.\nCartman: All right! And now I will use my power to... [faces the other boys] turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh! [in an instant Kyle becomes a chicken]\nKyle: God dammit Cartman!\nCartman: Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, ha! Now you are a chicken! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!\nButters: Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!\nStan: Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!\nKenny: (Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!) [shows off an eight-pointed shuriken] (Feel my wrath!) [unleashes the shuriken, and it strikes Butters in the eye. Butters' helmet flies off, revealing his puff-ball hair and the shuriken embedded in the bloody left eye. The music abruptly stops and the boys are shown in regular form. Butters looks at the boys, screams loudly, and begins to sob]\nCartman: Oh, shit, dude!\nStan: [he and Kyle rush over to Butters] Butters! Oh my God! [the boys gather around Butters] Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye!\nKyle: What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!\nKenny: (I just threw my ninja star at him.)\nButters: It hurts! It hurts! [continues to sob]\nKyle: Oh man! We are in serious trouble!\nStan: [tries to soothe Butters] Sh shhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm down. It's not that bad, really.\nButters: [trying to catch his breath] But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. I gotta go to the hospital! [Butters continues to shriek in agonizing pain while Stan looks around nervously, with gritted teeth]\nStan: Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay! [Butters composes himself and sobs softly, looking around from time to time for any sign of help]\nCartman: Guys, meeting over here for a second? [the boys move off and huddle] All right you guys, we need to stay calm and just do the right thing. We have to kill Butters and bury him in Kyle's backyard.\nStan: Dude, shut up!\nKyle: I agree with Cartman!\nStan: What?!\nKyle: You don't understand what my mom will do to me if she finds out I was playing with weapons!\nScene Description: a closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back. Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken. Butters sits on a tree stump\nStan: Just stay still, Butters.\nButters: [Stan tugs again] Ah. [Stan tugs harder] Hwa! [Stan tugs even harder] Hwaaaaa!\nKyle: Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!\nCartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.\nButters: You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have to take me to the hospital! [whimpers]\nKyle: If we take him to the hospital, they're gonna find out what happened.\nStan: God dammit!\nKyle: [moves off] God? Please, if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again.\nCartman: [approaches] Don't be so quick to throw off your ninja responsibility, Kyle. [to the huddle] Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja when everything's going your way, but it's times like these, when the chips are down, that a ninja shows his true character.\nButters: Whoa, I'm getting woozy.\nCartman: Shut up, Butters. [to the other boys] Now, there's a way out of this. We just have to use our... ninja reasoning. [puts his fingertips to his temples. Kenny touches his right temple, Stan, his chin]\nStan: We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What about the veterinarian?\nCartman: Dr. Shafley?\nStan: He's really old and going blind.\nCartman: So if we make Butters up to look like a dog...\nKyle: Oh no.\nStan: We might pass him off as our pet.\nButters: [sniffling] But, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog with a star in my eye, I- I'm gonna get grounded.\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Shut up, Butters!\nKyle: That is the dumbest idea you guys have ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman, but you, Stan?! Butters needs medical attention right now!\nStan: All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle. You take him to the hospital and let your mom find out what happened.\nScene Description: Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue.\nCartman: Hand me the modeling glue. We need more fur over here. [Kyle hands him the glue]\nButters: [between whimpers] Uh, that modeling glue is making me dizzy.\nCartman: Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! Now, stop being such an asshole!\nKyle: We need some more fur. [Stan walks over to Sparky and shaves off fur from areas of his body still unshaved, then walks back to Kyle and hands him the fur. Kyle places the fur on Butters' left leg] I think that's good.\nCartman: Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.\nButters: Uh. Wuff, wu-wuff.\nStan: All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town.\nScene Description: South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks into a clearing\nStan: [looks off to his left] Okay, it's clear. [turns right and walks on. Cartman and Kyle escort Butters between them]\nCartman: Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and- Butters, listen! At the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot.\nButters: [practices his bark unprompted] Wuhuff, woof, woof.\nKyle: We've gotta hurry, it's getting late! [some trash bin noises are heard and the boys face the source of the noises]\nStan: Oh shit, somebody's coming!\nKyle: Quick, hide Butters! [Cartman drags Butters to an oven]\nCartman: In here! [opens its door and shoves Butters in]\nButters: bu- but fellas, I gotta- [Cartman closes the door. Craig and his boys appear]\nCraig: Aha! [the three remaining boys quickly face Craig's crew] There you are! You guys thought you were so cool, didn't you?! Well look at what we got! [Craig and his boys present their weapons]\nCartman: No way, you got weapons too?!\nStan: Where'd you get those?\nJimmy: From the n-n- from the nn-, from the nn-\nClyde: From the nice guy at the county fair.\nCraig: At first we needed our parents' permission, but then we told him our parents were dead.\nCartman: Aw man, now every douchebag in town has a weapon! Lame!\nCraig: So, [unsheathes his sword] how would you ninjas like to do battle?\nStan: Uh, not now, Craig, we we have to be going.\nCraig: You can't pass through this area until you defend your honor! [Clyde crosses his kamas against each other]\nKyle: He said, not now, Craig!\nCraig: I am not Craig, [twirls his sword] I am Ginza, [transforms] with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!\nToken: And I am Black Chaku, [twirls his nunchakus and transforms] with the power of perfect spelling!\nStan: Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay? [Jimmy has already transformed and leaps into the air, twirling his kali sticks around, and lands in a powerful pose]\nJimmy: Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?\nCartman: [the boys are back in anime form] We're twice the ninjas you fags are!\nClyde: Then fight us!\nCartman: Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!\nKyle: I swore to never fight again.\nStan: We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor them. Hyaaaaah! [He begins his attack. The other boys move forth and the fight begins, as a song reminiscent of Japanese anime theme songs, mostly Japanese with occasional English words, starts playing; its lyrics appear as a sing-along along the bottom of the screen.]\nSinger: poemSubarashii chinchin monoKintama no kame aruSore no oto ha \"saru bobo\"Iie! Ninja ga imasuHey Hey Let's Go! kenka suruTaisetsu no mono protect my ballsBoku ga warui so let's fightingLet's fighting love...Let's fighting love...Kono uta chotto bakaWake ga wakaranaiEigo ga mechakuchaDaijobu? We do it all the time!Hey hey let's go kenka suru...</poem>\nScene Description: The fight as the song progresses: Jimmy twirls his kali sticks around and aims them at Stan, unleashing two beams of energy. Stan blocks them with his tonfa. Kenny watches Craig be tossed through the air. Token sweeps his nunchucks around and unleashes energy towards Kenny, who jumps clear and lets Cartman take the blow. Cartman shatters it with his sai swords. The nunchucks sweep back. Kenny falls to the ground on his ass, behind Cartman. Token attacks Cartman with his nunchucks, but Cartman counters them with his sais, sending Token flying back a few yards. Token rubs his right shoulder. Clyde whips out his kamas and whips them around, and Kyle responds by whipping his nunchucks around. Clyde focuses on Kyle and unleashes a large amount of energy from his kamas. Craig and his crew are shown, then Craig and Kenny fly at each other. Stan takes a stand. Two silhouettes fight. A car rolls by the scene slowly, and the driver simply observes. He sees them are they are, then drives off. The scene reverts to anime letterbox and the boys continue fighting\nStan: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! [the song ends, and he looks around] Wait. [steps forward] Hold on a second. Where's Butters? [sees the open oven door, and no one in the oven]\nKyle: Oh no. Butters!\nCartman: Butters!\nStan: [turns and faces Craig's boys] Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made us lose him!\nCraig: Lose who?\nKyle: [approaches Craig] Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye, and we were taking him to the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters!\nCraig: Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?\nCartman: Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now!\nCraig: Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here!\nStan: No dude, you gotta help us find him!\nCraig: To hell with that!\nCartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you! That's the ninja code!\nScene Description: The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing, looking for help\nButters: Hello? Anybody-eh. [the driver appears again and slows down to observe Butters. His right eyebrow rises] Woof. Woof. Woofwoof. [his voice softens] Eh. Woof, eh. Woof. [the drives speeds up and drives off. Butters turns and continues his lonely walk. Back near Skid Row the eight boys walk along searching for Butters.]\nStan: Butters!\nKyle: Butters!\nCartman: Here, Butters!\nKenny: (Butters!)\nCraig: Butters!\nClyde: Butters!\nToken: Butters!\nJimmy: Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Butters!\nCartman: Butter- Butters!\nKyle: Hey Butters!\nStan: Butters!\nKyle: Dude, look! [a black man walks up in anime form, stops, and looks around]\nChef: Hello there, children!\nThe Boys: Hey, Chef.\nChef: How's it goin'?\nStan: Bad.\nChef: Why bad?\nKyle: Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you?\nChef: No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you children doin' with those weapons?\nStan: Nothing, just... playing.\nChef: Well, you children should be careful with those. You could put somebody's eye out.\nKyle: Yeah, we know.\nChef: Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. They're about to start the big auction. So long, children! [turns and walks away]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area, moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back\nNurse: [behind the counter] Oh my God! [leaves her station and kneels down next to Butters] What the-?! Doctor? Doctor?!\nDr. Doctor: [approaches and kneels down next to Butters] Jesus Christ. [Butters shakes his head and babbles] What kind of sick bastard would do this to a dog?! Poor little pup.\nButters: [moans, then opens his eyes] Woof woof.\nNurse: Can you help him, Doctor?\nDr. Doctor: I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor. Best we call the animal shelter.\nNurse: [rises and leaves] Right away.\nAnnouncer: [with recaps from the episode] In our last episode the four ninjas did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom. It was during that great battle that ninja master Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious trouble, because their parents might find out they had weapons, if Professor Chaos told on them. While trying to get Professor Chaos some aid at the veterinarian's office, the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends. They challenged the four ninjas to fight, and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began. It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped, and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos, or else they would all be grounded.\nStan: Butters!\nKyle: Butters!\nCartman: Here, Butters!\nKenny: (Butters!)\nCraig: Butters!\nClyde: Butters!\nToken: Butters!\nCraig: Butters! Where the hell are you?!\nKyle: It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made it to the hospital. By now our parents probably know we were playing with weapons! We have to get rid of the evidence! [moves off]\nStan: What?\nKyle: [reaches a well and holds his nunchucks over it] Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at least we can try to deny everything.\nCartman: [with his sais] Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks for these things!\nStan: Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back.\nKyle: We don't have time for that, dude! We just have to ditch them! Now!\nCartman: Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchucks away. If you can. But you know damn well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.\nKyle: Screw you, fatass! [struggles to loosen his grip on the nunchucks]\nCartman: Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screaming \"NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!\" You know this to be true. [Kyle continues struggling and begins to grunt] Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. [closeup of Cartman's lips] Do it. [Kyle struggles even harder, but eventually gives in]\nKyle: [walks up next to Stan] I- I can't do it... I can't do it. I...\nStan: It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back to the fair and return them.\nScene Description: South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside, an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash\nVet: Come on. Come on, little fella. 'Atta boy. [Butters appears at the other end of the leash, crawling in]\nButters: [in a gravelly voice] Woof woof. [babbles incoherently. The veterinarian leads him towards a cell]\nVet: Right over here. [opens the gate] Good dog. Come on. [guides Butters in] There you go, right in there. [closes the gate and locks it, then leaves] Goooood dog. [Butters babbles some more as a dog approaches from his left and sniffs. The dog pisses on him and walks away. Butters' voice rises in protest. Another dog approaches from his right, sniffs him, and pisses on him. Butters' voice rises a bit more in protest. A third dog approaches from his left, turns around, and craps on him. Butters stands up]\nButters: Gaaaah!\nAssistant: Somebody threw a ninja star in that poor puppy's eye?\nVet: It just makes me sick how some people can treat animals. [pulls out a large syringe, quickly] Well, nothing we can do for it; let's put it to sleep, shall we? [they move back into Butters' cell] Here you go, pup. I've got a sweet dose of murder for you. [He leaves, giving Butters the chance to escape. The vet returns with a syringe.] What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ...Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.\nScene Description: The county fair, anime form, sunset\nStan: All right, the county fair's still open! [they spot Roger, shown in anime form, and approach his booth.]\nRoger: Can I help you boys?\nStan: We have come to return the weapons we purchased.\nRoger: Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.\nKyle: Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna kill us, and you, if they found out that we bought these!\nRoger: I thought you told me your parents were dead.\nCraig: [approaches with his boys] You guys! [the other boys turn around] You guys!\nStan: What is it, Craig?\nCraig: It's Butters! We saw 'im!\nKyle: Where?!\nCraig: Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. He's just wandering around aimlessly.\nKyle: Then it's not too late!\nStan: Come on, Ninjas! [the boys make their way across the fairgrounds, but freeze in their tracks upon seeing the auction]\nBarker: [in anime form] All right, folks, our next item up for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp.\nStan: Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.\nCraig: Butters is right on the other side.\nKyle: We have to get past them!\nCartman: All right. Looks like I have to use my power of invisibility to get by.\nKyle: You have that power too?\nCartman: I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold. [steps aside and holds his arms up. He sweeps them down and disappears. He them removes his clothes and gathers them into a pile] This way, I can move about the crowd of people undetected. [walks over to Stan and hands his clothes over] Here, hold this stuff for me.\nStan: [softly] Good luck, Bulrog. [Cartman leaves, with only his footsteps indicating where he's going]\nBarker: Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming. [Cartman, in normal form, appears, tip-toeing across the stage sideways. His penis can be seen.] It has a bronze finish and actual gold leaf along the base. This is a rare opportunity to own a classic antique. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes forward. The bidders look on] The lamp has been appraised by our auction staff at well over two thousand dollars. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes along sideways. One of the staffers notices Cartman and taps his colleague. The colleague looks and gasps] So we're gonna start the bidding at three hundred and seventy five. Do I, do I hear three hundred and seventy five? [Cartman continues tip-toeing along and the bidders sit motionless. Eight seconds pass before Cartman stops, realizing that the crowd can indeed see him.] Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'? [Cartman looks around, knowing he's stuck.]\nButters: [wanders on stage] Haba, haba! Habahoaha! [babbles some more, then falls flat on his back again]\nLinda: [rises with her hands on her chest] Butters! [the auction staff encircles the boy]\nRandy: What happened to him?\nSheila: Oh my God!\nStan: Oh, Jesus.\nKyle: Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The chatter among the adults present is heated\nMayor McDaniels: All right, people, we are all extremely upset over what's happened. [the boys' parents are present, with angry faces on] But let's try to speak one at a time.\nMan 1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!\nTownsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!\nGerald: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! [Butters is shown with a patch over his left eye and a long gauze wrapped around his head to keep the patch in place] The worst thing!\nMan 2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old boy walked up and flashed his... penis! It was an outrage! [the adults go into an uproar again]\nStan: What?\nCartman: What?\nSkeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?!\nSheila: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down! [the adults go into an uproar again]\nMr. Garrison: [next to Mr. Mackey] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?! What were you thinking?!\nCartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction. [the adults go into an uproar again]\nKyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?\nStan: Just run with it, dude.\nKyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh- my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman should be punished!\nMan: Yeah! [the adults go into an uproar again]\nCartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle!\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot\nKyle: Yeah, I c- I can't believe it.\nStan: Yeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about violence if there's sex things to worry about.\nKyle: [pulls out his nunchucks] So I guess this means we get to keep our weapons.\nStan: [he and Kenny pull out their weapons] Yeah. Come on, ninjas. [they transform into their anime forms] We've got some more work to do.\nThe Boys: [leap into a pose, and the image is frozen] Hya!\nScene Description: End of Good Times with Weapons. Stills of the episode are shown along with \"Let's Fighting Love\""}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the \"Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis\" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive.\nJimmy: Hey fellas.\nStan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmy!\nJimmy: [carries a brochure under his right arm] Say fellas, Jimmy and I were wondering if maybe you would come and cheer for us next S-S-Saturday. We're both competing in the Special Olympics down in Denver.\nCartman: [approaches Jimmy] The Special Olympics? What's so special about them?\nKyle: They're Olympic games for handicapped people.\nCartman: [snickers] What?\nJimmy: [hands Cartman the brochure] Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events.\nStan: Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on.\nKyle: Yeah, that'd be cool.\nJimmy: Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to the training center and start working out. Word is we have a lot of sssstiff competition this year.\nKyle: Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys.\nTimmy: Timmy! [he and Jimmy walk off.]\nCartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.\nKyle: ...You're an asshole, Cartman.\nCartman: What? What'd I do?\nScene Description: Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day. Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment. Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as Timmy spots him.\nJimmy: S-s-six!\nTimmy: Timmah.\nJimmy: S-s-s-ssseven!\nTimmy: Timmah. Timmah!\nJimmy: S-s-seven!\nTimmy: Timmah! Timmah!\nJimmy: [gets back on count, but falters] Ni- I can- I can't! [Timmy helps Jimmy put the weights back on the bar rest] Huff. Oh man. [sits up] Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some pretty stiff competition this year. [another kid at a nearby bench press laughs] All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition, and I can't even get past seven reps. Oh well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p-p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room.\nTimmy: Timmah. [Jimmy walks away]\nFrancis: Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.\nJimmy: [turns and looks] You too, Francis. [looks forward and resumes walking. In a darkened hallway stands a big athlete with an air of hauteur about him]\nNathan: Hey Jimmy.\nJimmy: Oh he-hey, N-Nathan.\nNathan: So uh, I see you train pretty hard.\nJimmy: [moves into the hallway and faces Nathan] Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training really hard, but I'm not improving fast enough, and the Special Olympics are a... week away.\nNathan: Weeell uh, maybe I can help you out. You know, there are shortcuts.\nJimmy: What kind of shortcuts?\nNathan: You know. Steroids.\nJimmy: S-s-ss-s-s-steroids? [Nathan signals him to be quite as another handicapped athlete walks by] ...But aren't those illegal?\nNathan: Yeah, sure, but these are new. They don't show up in our urine tests.\nJimmy: So uh, ha-how do they... w-w-work?\nNathan: [holds out a prescription bottle] You just take one of these little blue babies [holds up three fingers] three times a day [reaches into a fanny pack and pulls out a syringe] and inject this directly into your bloodstream [holds up two fingers] twice a day before meals.\nJimmy: How much would this cost me?\nNathan: Uuuh, it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off my back and secure shipments from overseas.\nJimmy: [looks around uneasily] Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little bit. You know, as a performance.\nNathan: Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend. [steps closer] Whatever you say. [Jimmy reaches out for the drugs]\nScene Description: Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle a tow truck.\nCartman: [rushes up with the brochure] You guys! You guys! I have the best idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure, and check this shit out: \"At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000\" [he looks at his friends as his jaw drops]\nStan: So?\nCartman: So?! So, dude, think about it. If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped, they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks!\nKyle: Oh no. Cartman, no!\nCartman: It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicaps!\nStan: That's really, really terrible, dude.\nCartman: Terrible?? Whatever! You guys' brains just can't compute complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see. [walks off]\nKyle: [moves and catches up to Cartman] Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics!\nCartman: Why?\nKyle: Because! [takes away the brochure]\nCartman: What are you gonna do, Kyle?! Tell on me?! [points an accusing finger at him] Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale! [lowers it] Is that really how you deal with your problems?! Grow up, Kyle! [turns around and walks off. Kyle seethes in silence. Cartman now talks to himself] All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped, and I get a thousand dollars. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.\nScene Description: A montage, to the tune of \"Scarface (Put It To The Limit)\" Cartman sits at his computer typing away. Onscreen are his plans for looking handicapped, \"Ways to Appear Handicapped.\" He's then at the library poring over piles of books. The librarian wheels a cartload of books over, Cartman points to the spot at which they should be dropped off, and the librarian obliges. Cartman then rides to school in the Special Ed bus, taking notes on the behavior of handicapped students. Next, he's in the bathroom at home contorting his face this way and that, then takes more notes. He leafs through another book and types in more notes into his computer, then pours himself some more coffee.\nScene Description: Cartman goes to a clothing store looking for ill-fitting clothes. He then cobbles a custom shoe for himself. He goes home and tries it out. He goes to a CGI studio and puts on a motion suit so he can make a 3D model of himself on a computer. He takes the 3D model home and modifies it on his own computer: \"Handicapped Walk Analysis.\" He then goes into the bathroom and cuts off clumps of his hair to look as if he were retarded. He goes to the living room and looks at a Kid Rock video for more inspiration and takes notes. He puts on a bicycle helmet and pulls his hair out through the holes. He assembles the various parts of his handicapped outfit and puts it on. He squishes his face upwards for the finishing touch and ties the helmet straps together well below his chin.\nCartman: Daaaarrrr. Duuuuurrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics. [loosens the chin straps and lowers his face to normal] Bull's eye!\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquid steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead.\nJimmy: Oh! Agh! Ju-just a second! [heads for his duffel bag and hauls it to his night stand. The knock is heard again]\nRyan: Jimmy?\nJimmy: [sweeps the steroids into the bag] Hang on, I'm-I'm, coming. [rushes to the closet and shoves the duffle bag in.]\nRyan: Jim, it's your father!\nJimmy: [walking towards the door] I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned s-second! [gasps and realizes he still has the syringe in his mouth and spits it out. He opens the door and sees his father with a cup of coffee.]\nRyan: Jimmy, were you masturbating?\nJimmy: N-no, Dad.\nRyan: Okay. Well, you have a visitor. [the camera pans down to a pretty girl, who enters the room]\nGirl: Hi Jimmy.\nJimmy: Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.\nNancy: I was hoping we would study for the spelling test tomorrow.\nJimmy: Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.\nRyan: I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim.\nJimmy: Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since we met in Free Period last week.\nRyan: I'll leave you two alone. [reaches for the door, but stops] Y-You sure you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's okay if you were.\nJimmy: Dad, Jesus C-Christ!\nRyan: Okay, then. [they look at each other]\nScene Description: A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops, but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in his handicapped getup.\nCartman: Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. [the boys stop and look] Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrr.\nKyle: [low voice] God damn you!\nCartman: You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship and my one thousand dollars is just four days away. [This means it's Tuesday prior] I'm going to go sign up now.\nKyle: No you're not! [whips out the brochure] I read the brochure, Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you have to have a parent with you to sign up for the Special Olympics.\nCartman: What?! [takes the brochure back from Kyle]\nKyle: It says right there \"a parent has to be with you to sign up,\" and you'll never get your mom to agree to something so horrible, so ha! [grins confidently. Cartman looks at him, then at the brochure and reads]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms behind his back.\nCartman: Moooommmm?\nLiane: Yes, hon? [begins writing a check]\nCartman: Um, could I get you to do something for me?\nLiane: What's that, hon?\nCartman: Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, moooommm? Would you mind coming with me to sign up for the Special Olympics so I can beat all the handicapped kids and win a thousand dollars? [Liane looks up and goes pale]\nLiane: Oh... N- no, sweetie. I believe those Olympics are just for... \"special\" children.\nCartman: I'm not special? I thought you always said I was special.\nLiane: You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea. [writes out another check]\nCartman: ...I'll split the money with you. [Liane stops]\nLiane: ...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No. [Cartman is upset and begins to think a little harder]\nCartman: [walks up to the table] All right, Mom, look. Here's .. the truth. [under his breath] God, this is gonna be hard to say. [normally] I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past. I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but... now I'm starting to think... that if I could just spend one day in their shoes... if I could just see the challenges they face every day... maybe I wouldn't be so cold. I just want a chance to change. [looks up at her with longing, puppy dog eyes.] Help me change?\nLiane: Oh, a- a- all right, sweetie, I- I'll take you tomorrow.\nCartman: Awesome.\nScene Description: Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker room getting ready to leave.\nJimmy: You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. You're really im-p-p-proving.\nTimmy: Timmah!\nJimmy: I think I really got a shot at the gold in the swimming competition. Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, Tim-Tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag?\nTimmy: [slips on his sweater] Timmah! [reaches over for the bag and grabs a handle. The contents spill out, since he didn't grab the other handle, and he sees the steroids drop to the floor. He looks down sadly and holds the bag a litle closer. Jimmy is frozen in place. Timmy's voice shakes] Tim- Timmy?\nJimmy: Oh, uh, so... hey, Timmy... uh hu-how about we go out for a s-s-soda later? [sweeps the steroids back into the bag. Timmy finds a bottle on his pants and looks at it. Jimmy finishes up and leaves] I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim.\nTimmy: [turns and exclaims] Timmah... [the tone of voice stops Jimmy]\nJimmy: [turns] Look it's really none of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy!\nTimmy: [rolls up to Jimmy] Timmah. Timmah!\nJimmy: Because I, maybe I don't have what it takes to win with-without them!\nTimmy: [turns aside and sighs] Timmah. [rolls away a bit] T-T-Timmah.\nJimmy: You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you?\nTimmy: Huh! Timmah! T-Timmah!\nJimmy: Look, it's my b-body and it's my choice what I put in it!\nTimmy: Timmah! Timmah, Jimmih! [points to himself] Arrrh Timmah! [points to himself] Jimmih!\nJimmy: Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship. You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just trying to k-keep up.\nTimmy: [spent] Huh... Timmah... [holds the bottle out over the floor] Timmah.\nJimmy: [angered] S-s-s-so what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show that b-bottle to the... coaches?! [Timmy drops the bottle on the ground, turns around and rolls away. Jimmy watches him leave] Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy! I'm just living in the real world! [looks down at the bottle, then kicks the bottle away with his left crutch] Fuck!\nScene Description: The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready for the javelin throw.\nTimmy: Timmah! [rolls forward and throws the javelin] Aaar-yaaaaah Timmah! [the javelin hits the ground near a coach]\nCoach: All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up!\nTimmy: Oowrrr! Timmah! Livilaye!\nJimmy: [runs down a track for the long jump] Y-yeess! [jumps into the air and lands]Grrrr!\nCoach 2: Wuh-wow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved! You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you!\nJimmy: Yeah, I've been working out... r-really hard.\nCoach 2: You keep going like this and you'll break Special Olympics records on Saturday!\nScene Description: The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later. A family of three arrives.\nMan: Okay, so this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in?\nVolunteer: Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the next table and we'll get it all finalized.\nWoman: Thank you very much.\nVolunteer: Thank you! Good luck, Michael.\nMichael: Thanks.\nVolunteer: Okay, next in line please?\nCartman: [looking really retarded, steps up to the table with his mom] Naaaa! Daaaaa!\nVolunteer: Hello there.\nLiane: Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my son up, please.\nCartman: Naaaa!\nVolunteer: Oh, great! What's his name?\nLiane: Eric Cartman...\nCartman: Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!\nVolunteer: Okay. Age?\nLiane: He's nine.\nVolunteer: O-kay, and what's his disability?\nLiane: ...Um, he's retarded. [Cartman offers a retarded grin]\nVolunteer: ...N-no, I'm asking what his specific condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy?\nLiane: Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. [Cartman looks up with some concern] Sweetie, what is your condition?\nCartman: ...How should I know? I'm retarded. Daaaaa!\nVolunteer: I'll just leave that blank for now.\nScene Description: The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares to inject more steroids into his right arm.\nJimmy: [performs the injection] Yeah, b-bigger, stronger! [Timmy rolls by and hears him, then raises his eyes in alarm]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs and knocks.\nMr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. [Timmy follows Mr. Mackey in] I understand you have somethin' important you wanna talk to me about, m'kay?\nTimmy: [leans forward and begins] Timmy.\nMr. Mackey: Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, m'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, I wanna try and, and help you with it.\nTimmy: [sighs and begins again] Timmy.\nMr. Mackey: Mmm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...Yo-you have a problem?\nTimmy: [shakes his head vigorously] No Timmy, Jimmy.\nMr. Mackey: Ji-Jimmy?\nTimmy: [showing his frustration] Haaa! [remembers something] Oh, oh! [wheels over to a class picture of the fourth graders. Jimmy is at one end of the front row, with Mr. Garrison behind him. Timmy reaches up and points] Jimmy.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about him?\nTimmy: [rolls back and tries to get the story out with gestures. He demonstrates Jimmy asking for his bag] Timmah! Timmah, uh, Jimmih. [demonstrates himself handing the bag to Jimmy and seeing the contents fall out] Hey Timmy, Timmah Tim-oh! Tim-Timmah! [shows his reaction to the steroids] Timmmah? Jimmih! Jimmih. [demonstrates the argument between the two] Jimmih Timmah Timmah? Timmah, Timmah! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmah! [demonstrates the bottle being dropped] Timmah!\nMr. Mackey: [confused] Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy.\nTimmy: Argh. Jimmy...\nMr. Mackey: Right, Jimmy Valmer.\nTimmy: Uh. [demonstrates himself minding his own business when he sees Jimmy shooting up in the shadows], Timmah Jimmih Jimmih Jim- [demonstrates the injection, then flexes his muscles and takes a sinister tone] Jimmh Timmah Timmah Jimmih!\nMr. Mackey: Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.\nTimmy: [really frustrated] Haaaaaaaaaah!\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer. Screen reads: How I Will Spend My One Thousand Dollars By Eric Cartman. A knock on his door is heard.\nCartman: Enter. [Kyle enters, and walks up next to Cartman]\nKyle: Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. [they look at each other and Cartman closes a book he had open for reference]\nCartman: Go on, Kyle.\nKyle: I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it!\nCartman: Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion of the Jew.\nKyle: I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman!\nCartman: Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul.\nKyle: I came here to talk about you!\nCartman: Yes. [hops off his seat and consoles Kyle] And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle. [whispers] Good luck. [after a few seconds, Kyle turns around and goes to leave. He opens the door, turns around to say something but instead walks out. Cartman just hums a tune, goes back to the computer and reads some more.]\nScene Description: Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. A mirror sits next to him.\nJimmy: Come on, push it! Push it! [he pushes the weights onto the bar rest and sits up. He checks his musculature out in the mirror] Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. [the door opens and Nancy enters]\nNancy: Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop.\nJimmy: The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time.\nNancy: I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.\nJimmy: Oh Jesus! [lays back down and takes up the weights] You gonna start running your mouth off again? [begins new reps] P-push it! Push it!\nNancy: Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different.\nJimmy: They-they're all just... jealous.\nNancy: You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you.\nJimmy: [quickly rests the weights and sits up] You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll kill you, bitch!\nNancy: You can't treat people like this!\nJimmy: [gets up and walks over to Nancy, then begins beating her with his crutches. She wails] I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?! [he grabs her by the throat and throws her head against the floor a few times, then whacks her on the side of the head a few times.] You're not leavin' anybody! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! [resumes beating her. His mom opens the door to see what's the matter]\nSarah: Jimmy What the? [tries to stop the beating] Jimmy, oh my God!\nJimmy: [uppercuts his mother off and heads for the door] Stay away from me, you stupid b-b-b-bitches! [walks down the hall, hits the walk with his right crutch, and breaks down.] No! God! [collapses on his back and bawls]\nScene Description: Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium.\nHost: Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics! [the crowd cheers. The boys are there, as promised] We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars.\nJimmy: [flexes his right bicep] Top athlete, yeah!\nCartman: One thousand dollars, yeah!\nHost: So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin! [The crowd cheers wildly]\nScene Description: First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash.\nAnnouncer: Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Area B.\nVolunteer 2: Okay, racers, are we ready? [raises her firing pistol] Take your marks.\nCartman: [hobbles into the fifth position on the track] Daaaa! Daaaa!\nVolunteer 2: On your marks! Get set! Go! [the runners take off. Cartman quickly falls behind]\nCartman: Whoa. What the hell?? [the girl in position 6 breaks the tape. Cartman hobbles past the finish line four seconds later]\nVolunteer 2: Great job, everyone. [points to the runners who were in positions 6, 2, and 4] You three advance to the next heat. [the group leaves]\nWinner: All right!\nBlond Boy: Good Job.\nBlonde Girl: We did it!\nCartman: Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events.\nScene Description: \"Put It To The Limit\" begins to play again. Cartman is in a swimming competition now, but again, he's struggling in last place. Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk competition, then throws the bar down.\nJimmy: Yeeessss! [walks back and forth happily] Yes! Yes!\nAnnouncer: He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks! [Timmy is understandably unimpressed and pissed off]\nScene Description: Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is again last.\nCartman: [trips over a hurdle] God-damnit!\nScene Description: Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily.\nAnnouncer: Winner, Jimmy Valmer! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Timmy is more pissed off]\nScene Description: Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole.\nCartman: All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned retards! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back]\nScene Description: Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition.\nScene Description: Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Timmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it.\nCartman: God-damnit!\nScene Description: Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score.\nAnnouncer: That's another Special Olympics record!\nJimmy: [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah!\nScene Description: Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field.\nHost: Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff]\nBonds: The 2004 special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer.\nJimmy: [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! Fuck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the b-bub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium]\nHost: Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!\nCartman: Ah, screw you hippies!\nHost: For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!\nCartman: ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!\nJimmy: [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?!\nCartman: [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.\nJimmy: You f-f f-faked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-cheater!\nTimmy: [approaches] Timmah!\nJimmy: What?\nTimmy: [points to Jimmy] Timmah!\nJimmy: [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You-you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking]\nJimmy: Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players]\nJimmy: Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] \"Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy- \" [shot of Jason Giambi] \"-steroid-taking jackass.\" [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy]\nMcGuire: Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.\nScene Description: The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends.\nCartman: Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! We- well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A minivan rocks gently on the street. Inside, the boys make their interpretations of spaceship noises. Being the good boys that they are, they're strapped in. They're wearing football helmets and makeshift Starfleet uniforms.\nCartman: [in the driver's seat] Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega Nine.\nStan: Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence initiated.\nCartman: What kind of atmosphere are you reading on the planet surface, Jew?\nKyle: I'm a Vulcan!\nCartman: All right, what kind of atmosphere are you reading, Vulcan Jew?\nKyle: [looking into an imaginary viewer] The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should support our breathing.\nCartman: All right, hang on. We're about to land. [the boys make landing noises, with Stan finishing off with a thump. Cartman removes his seatbelt] Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny, you come with me on the away team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here.\nKyle: No! I'm on the away team too! [he and Kenny remove their belts]\nCartman: [looks back] It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle!\nKyle: I don't care! You're not making me wait in the van again!\nCartman: Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible.\nScene Description: The side door slides open. Cartman leads the other three out.\nCartman: Set phasers on stun.\nStan: Things seem pretty quiet.\nCartman: Yes. A little too quiet.\nKyle: I am picking up carbon-based life forms in Sector C. I believe we will find a village of peaceful aliens over that ridge. [Cartman sighs silently]\nCartman: Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!! Look out! It's a giant four-headed lava frog! Shoot it! [the boys take their positions and start firing away] Oh no, it got Kyle!\nKyle: [stops firing and stands still] No it doesn't. [the other boys continue with their phaser noises]\nCartman: Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off! [pretends to be the monster ripping Kyle's head off] Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for!\nKyle: No I'm not! God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!\nCartman: Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!\nKyle: Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!\nStan: Oh God, here we go again.\nCartman: Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil!\nKyle: He does not!\nCartman: How do you know?! I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't seen it once! There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus, and you know what they do? They let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free instead and laugh about it.\nKyle: Naw uh!\nCartman: Go see the movie, Kyle!\nStan: That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here.\nKenny: (Me too!) [they leave]\nKyle: I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's being an asshole!\nCartman: You know what it is? You're scared. You're scared of the truth. You don't want that movie to show you just how bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates you.\nKyle: People don't hate the Jews!\nCartman: [focuses Kyle's attention to him] Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.\nKyle: ...You're a stupid asshole! [turns and walks off. Cartman turns left and glances at Kyle]\nCartman: Sweet, now I can just play with myself. [fires off his phaser] Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft! [races into the minivan]\nScene Description: The Bijou, day. Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ is now playing. Kyle walks up to the ticket booth, stops, turns back, stops again, and steps up to the window. He gives the ticket salesman $10.\nKyle: One please.\nTicket Salesman: This is an R-rated movie.\nKyle: Yeah, I know, but I have to-\nTicket Salesman: But, because this is such an important film that actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in to see it.\nKyle: ...Thanks. [makes his way towards the doors, glancing back at the cashier in wonder]\nScene Description: The Bijou, inside. Kyle enters and makes his way to a seat. He watches.\nSoldier 1: Hac bashtud Christo.\nSoldier 2: Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad.\nJesus: Wa! [the whipping begins and Jesus screams. This goes on for a long time. Kyle's mouth widens, his eyes get bigger. The next scene, he's got his coat over his mouth and he's almost in a fetal position. The next scene has him turned to his left, grimacing, his hat pulled over his ears as he winces. The next scene has him trembling]\nKyle: Haaaah! [Next scene has Kyle with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands over his face. He's now curled up in a ball]\nJesus: Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!! [the whipping continues and Kyle dares to peek again. His stomach reacts and he vomits. The next scene has him almost passed out with vomit dribbling from his chin. The film ends and Kyle doesn't move.]\nScene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle walks outside in a daze.\nKyle: How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus?\nTicket Salesman: Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh?\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's on the couch eating cereal.\nAnnouncer: And now, back to Terrance and Phillip. [the doorbell rings]\nPhillip: Hey Terrance, I think I have a-\nCartman: Mom! Doorbell!\nTerrance: Wait, before you do, pull my thumb. [a second laughter and laughter is heard.]\nCartman: [the doorbell rings] Mom! Answer the door!\nTerrance: Hey Phillip, guess what?\nCartman: God damn it, lazy-ass whore. [gets up and answers the door himself.]\nPhillip: What?\nTerrance: Faaart.[Terrance farts. Cartman opens the door and sees Kyle soaking wet from the heavy rain]\nKyle: You were right. You were right all along. I thought you were just an asshole when you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't know, I... I didn't know.\nCartman: It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just... say that first part again?\nKyle: You were, you were right?\nCartman: [closes his eyes and relishes the moment] Mmm, one more time, Kyle.\nKyle: You were right. [Cartman opens his eyes and beams brightly]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, his bedroom. Cartman's on his knees.\nCartman: I want to thank you for all the blessings you have brought me. You have shown me the way so many times in the past and... now you are making all my dreams come true. You give me strength when there is doubt, and I praise you for all you have done. [a shot of Mel Gibson's poster, without the \"Braveheart\" on it.] Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom and the courage to show the world the truth. From this day forward I will dedicate my life to making sure your film is seen by everyone. I will organize the masses so that we may do thy bidding. Hail Mel Gibson. Amen.\nScene Description: Stan's house. He and Kenny are in his bedroom reading a newspaper.\nStan: Look at that, dude. The Passion has made almost 400 million dollars at the box office now.\nKenny: (Goddamn.)\nStan: [rises] Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie. I guess... we have to go see it too.\nScene Description: The Bijou, day. No clouds around. Stan and Kenny sit inside in the middle, looking at the movie. The movie ends.\nStan: Dude. That movie sucked.\nKenny: (Yeah, it totally sucked!)\nStan: How can they even call that a movie?\nKenny: (I don't know!)\nStan: That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back.\nKenny: (Yeah!) [they leave their seats]\nScene Description: The Bijou, outside. A couple emerges.\nJack: Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's death was.\nElise: Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good Christians from now on! [they walk off, screen left. A second couple emerges]\nMan 1: [brown shirt, green sweater] I think if more people saw The Passion they'd have faith in Jesus.\nWoman 1: [orange blouse, necklace] Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing. [they walk off, screen right. Stan and Kenny come out and approach the window]\nStan: Hey, we want our money back.\nTicket Salesman: Huh?\nStan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our eighteen dollars.\nTicket Salesman: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.\nStan: That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nStan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours!\nTicket Salesman: That guy happened to be Jesus, and he went through all that to pay for your sins!\nStan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained, and we want our money back!\nTicket Salesman: I'm not allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.\nStan: W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?\nTicket Salesman: Yeah. I'd like to see you try.\nStan: Oh, we will! This is America! And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny! [he and Kenny storm off]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle tosses and turns while asleep. Scenes from the movie fill his mind: Jesus carrying the cross past the high priests, who have scowling faces. Flashes of Renaissance Passion art go by.\nPriests: Kill him! Guilty! Kill him! [sketches of a nail driven through the left palm are animated, then a realistic view of Jesus crucified] Kill him! Kill him! Die!\nKyle: Kill Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh! [a spear pierces Jesus' side. The one piercing him is Kyle himself, who seems to be relishing this, as he pierces Jesus a few more times. A review of images, then an image of Alan Alda, and Kyle wakes up frightened. After a few screams he looks around]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kenny are at Stan's computer.\nStan: Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson... home page. Here we go. [clicks on the link] Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects. Damn it, no phone number! Oh wait! \"For more information on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 1-800-43..\" Okay, okay, wait, here we go. [picks up the phone and dials in]\nScene Description: MEL GIBSON FAN CLUB LINE\nScene Description: The phone rings. Cartman answers.\nCartman: Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.\nStan: Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.\nCartman: Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now. Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.m.\nStan: No, no, no, no, we want our money back.\nCartman: What?\nStan: We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?\nCartman: You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do! He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.\nStan: Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back!\nCartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.\nStan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! I'll kick your ass!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, asshole! I'm like six feet tall!\nStan: I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me!\nCartman: Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop your fuckin' head open!\nStan: Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little pussy?!\nCartman: I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!\nStan: [in recognition] Wait a minute. Cartman?! [realizing he's been recognized, Cartman is speechless]\nCartman: Eup. [hangs up and skulks away]\nStan: [packing] Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu!\nKenny: (Malibu? But how?)\nStan: We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore. This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! [He leads Kenny out of his room] This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman dons a Nazi outfit, taking care to look sharp.\nLiane: Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard saying something about a meeting?\nCartman: Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all the people who loved The Passion as much as I did.\nLiane: Oh, that's great, sweetie.\nCartman: [turns right so his profile will look sharp as well] Tell them I'll be down shortly\nLiane: Okay, hon.\nCartman: [wields his short whip]Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht still stehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson. [a shot of the poster.]\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard. Some people are seated, others chat, others help themselves to chips and fingerfoods.\nMan 1: Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting?\nJack: No. Actually, we're guests as well. I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife Elise.\nElise: Hello.\nMan 2: I think it's so great that someone took the initiative to have a meeting like this.\nElise: Oh I agree. There are so many of us who are moved by The Passion. It's a perfect idea to have us organize so we can strengthen the Christian community.\nMan 2: And apparently the organizer is just an eight year old boy who was touched by the film.\nJack: Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh?\nTicket Salesman: Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am!\nWoman 2: It's great that everyone came here to figure out how to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives. [Cartman approaches the dais.]\nCartman: Ah, hello everyone. Achtung. [the last few standing people take their seats] My name is Eric Cartman and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club. [applause] Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by The Passion like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done.\nWoman 3: [in pink dress] We sure do. [the crowd voices its approval]\nCartman: But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps. [the guests fall silent]\nElise: [in orange blouse] Wha- what does that mean, sweetie?\nJack: I'm not sure, but- uh. [stands up] Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this little boy brought us all together. The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality, and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks. [the crowd voices its approval]\nCartman: [bows a few times] Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we [his face turns ugly] all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Passion.\nMan 3: Oh, what a great idea! We each make it our responsibility to convert one more person!\nGuests: Heheh, great! Yeah! Great idea.\nCartman: Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean.\nTicket Salesman: We sure do!\nGuests: Yeah. All right. Woohoo!\nScene Description: Mel's Malibu mansion, day. A rusty Beetle rolls up to the front security gate, stops, and lets out some passengers, then rolls away. Stan and Kenny remain.\nStan: Thank you. [looks over his Map To The Stars' Homes] This must be the place. [they walk through a side door right under a guard's nose. He fails to notice them. They walk up the driveway and past the massive fountain] Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded. [rings the doorbell. The door opens and Mel appears]\nMel: Yes?\nStan: Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny.\nKenny: (Hello.)\nStan: Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please?\nMel: You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you. Go home. [leaves, but the boys follow him in.]\nScene Description: Mel Gibson's mansion, inside.\nStan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.\nMel: Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first. [unbuttons his shirt] But I won't tell you where I keep my money. [takes off his shirt] You can torture me all you want, I still won't tell you!\nStan: Tor- torture you?\nMel: [removes his pants and socks] Ha! So you do intend to torture me, huh?! [runs up to a torture rack and lies down in it] Well go ahead! Do your worst! [shackles himself in] You still won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out!\nStan: We don't want to torture you.\nMel: I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall!\nStan: Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you?\nMel: [unshackles himself and walks up to the boys] I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo! [whips out a hat and banjo, puts on the hat, and starts playing] Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus!\nStan: Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!\nMel: How dare you call me crazy! This means war! [jumps up and whoops like an Indian, twirls around a few times, and fires off blanks at the boys. Stan and Kenny run]\nScene Description: South Park Church, rectory. Fr. Maxi sits at his desk explaining things to Kyle.\nFather Maxi: And so it was that God sent his only son down from heaven, to die for our sins.\nKyle: Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over.\nFather Maxi: ...What is troubling you, my child?\nKyle: Well, I have this friend, see? And this friend belongs to a certain, Chosen People of Israel. And it... so happens that these chosen people killed your Lord.\nFather Maxi: Ah! You mean he's a Jew!\nKyle: Right. But he can't live with the guilt anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God, he was still a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie. I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my... friend can't sleep at night.\nFather Maxi: Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The truth is, there's not a whole lot in the Bible about the Crucifixion. The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews.\nKyle: But how can the Jews make it better??\nFather Maxi: Well, if you really care about your friend's soul, then perhaps show him the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity is about atonement.\nKyle: Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course. [gets off the chair] I know what I have to do now. Thank you, Father. [turns and walks out]\nScene Description: Back at Mel's mansion, Stan and Kenny are still running from Mel, who's chasing after them in a cartoonish way. Mel passes a mirror, then gets back to it a second later.\nStan and Kenny: Aaaah!\nMel: Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You wanna get outta here? Talk to me. [resumes hopping like a mad rabbit]\nStan: Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude! [catches a glimpse of a wallet on a table] Wait! There's his wallet! [runs up to it with Kenny]\nMel: Freedom! [Stan grabs the wallet and rifles through it]\nStan: Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny? [Kenny hands Stan $2]\nMel: Jesus is Lord! [Stan puts the $2 in and takes out $20]\nStan: All right, let's get the hell out of here! [heads for the doors and opens one. Mel dances in wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit. Stan and Kenny head for another pair of doors. Stan opens it and Mel enters dressed as a clown]\nMel: When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously!\nScene Description: Outside.\nStan: Aah! Run, dude, run!\nMel: [hopping out behind them, in Braveheart face paint and wielding a sword] K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, frieeeeeeends!\nScene Description: The Bijou, day. A large cross is erected atop the Bijou sign. A crowd gathers and acclaims it.\nCartman: One month ago today, this amazing film opened in theaters. And now, we proud few gather here as a people brought together by its message! [some applause] Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now, together, we have the power to change the world! [the crowd applauds] Now I believe we should take to the streets and march in unwavering support of this important movie!\nTicket Salesman: Woah! Great idea!\nMan 3: It'll be like a parade!\nMan 4: Good idea!\nCartman: And as we march for The Passion we should also voice our support! So, when I say \"Es ist Zeit für Säuberung,\" you all chant back \"Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.\"\nElise: Well, what does that mean, dear?\nJack: Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know, like in the movie.\nTicket Salesman: Ooo, Aramaic. Cool.\nTownsfolk: Neato! That'll be awesome. Great!\nJack: What was our Aramaic line again?\nCartman: [pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts]\nTownsfolk: [repeats, gaining confidence with each syllable] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.\nCartman: Es ist Zeit fër Rache!\nTownsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.\nElise: Oh, this is fun! [smiles]\nCartman: [picks a mark in front of the crowd] All right, everyone! Forward, march! [they all move forward] Es ist Zeit für Rache!\nTownsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.\nCartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!\nTownsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.\nCartman: Nice.\nScene Description: A synagogue. A service is going on, and the synagogue is full.\nRabbi: Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation. [Kyle approaches the lectern]\nKyle: Thank you, rabbi. [Sheila smiles and gets Gerald's attention. Kyle clears his throat.] In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus.\nMan 4: What? [others murmur their shock]\nSheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!\nKyle: If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then we can still apologize for the brutal way in which he was killed, and take our share of the responsibility for it.\nMan 5: Oh my God! [the other congregants groan]\nGerald: Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?!\nKyle: I saw The Passion!\nMan 6: Oh no! The Passion?! [others murmur]\nMan 7: This proves the anti-Semitic effect that movie is having!\nMan 8: Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes.\nMan 9: Stereotyping Jews is terrible.\nWoman 4: Something must be done to stop that movie!\nRabbi: Now, now, everyone calm down. We live in a rational community, and everyone knows this is just a movie. There's no cause for alarm.\nMob: [from outside] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!\nCartman: [from outside] Es ist Zeit für Rache! [congregants rise and face the doors in the back, others look out the windows. They see Cartman leading a march past the synagogue]\nMob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!\nCartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!\nMob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [the rabbi and his congregants look on, confused]\nCartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!\nScene Description: The southwest, desert territory. A tour bus heads east, with Stan and Kenny riding inside.\nStan: Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty... seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson. [net loss, sixty-nine dollars] But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters.\nKenny: (Yeah. I agree.) [a truck horn blows and Stan stands to see who it is. Kenny joins him]\nStan: Oh, you've got to be shittin' me. [Mel Gibson closes in fast in his Mad Max gas truck and wearing Braveheart face paint]\nMel: Give me back my money! [blows his horn again]\nStan: Goddamn, that guy's crazy. [hops off his seat and runs up to the driver] Hey dude, you've gotta speed up.\nDriver: Huh?\nStan: Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've gotta go faster.\nDriver: Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and stop playing games.\nStan: I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna- [Mel plows into the bus, making both vehicles screech. The riders sway in their seats]\nDriver: What the hell?\nMel: [shaking his fist in the air] Haaaa! K'Plaaaa!\nDriver: Hey! That's Mel Gibson!\nStan: Yeah. I told you that!\nDriver: Well, what the hell does he want?!\nStan: He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it.\nDriver: You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man. [Mel rams into them again]\nScene Description: The Bijou, night. The synagogue's congregation moves quickly down the street towards the theater.\nKyle: [to his parents] Both you guys, stop! Please. You're gonna make people hate us more!\nTicket Salesman: Can I help you?\nRabbi: This movie is causing anti-Semitism! You must remove it from your theater!\nCongregants: That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie!\nShlomo: Remove it from the theater? Fat chance!\nMan 10: We demand you stop showing it!\nCongregants: Yeah! Yeah!\nKyle: [facing the congregants] No, no, no! Don't become an angry mob! [behind him Cartman is seen leading his mob to the theater] The last time we did that we killed Jesus!\nCartman: [points] Juden!\nJack: What's going on here?\nTicket Salesman: They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater.\nRabbi: This film is anti-Semitic and it must be stopped!\nMan 11: Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic about it!\nElise: It has reaffirmed all of our faith in Christ.\nRabbi: It's made one of our little Jewish boys want to apologize for the death of Jesus!\nJack: Well, maybe you should apologize.\nMob: That's right! What he said.\nWoman 5: How dare you?! [the sound of a truck is faintly heard, but gets stronger.]\nKyle: [noticing] Look out!! [The crowds move to the other side of the street as the tour bus skids to a stop just past the theater. Mel Gibson roars into town and crashes into the ticket booth, and his gas truck blows up. The crowds crawl out of their safety places and merge]\nMel: Give me my eighteen dollars!\nCartman: Mel! Gibson! [brightens and approaches him, then grovels at his feet] Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding! [grovels some more] Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?!\nMel: Ha! [ignores Cartman and walks up to Stan and Kenny] So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well! [grabs his nipples and falls on his knees. The crowd steps back as he twists his nipples] Oh, my nipples are so tender! Don't squeeze them anymore!\nTicket Salesman: That's... Mel Gibson?\nJack: H- he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured.\nMel: [backs up towards a building] Yeah... [grabs a piece of crap from his ass and removes it from his briefs, turns around, and defaces the building] I'll bet you wanna torture me now, don't you?!\nKyle: [joins Stan and Kenny] Dude, what's wrong with him?\nStan: He's koo-koo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind.\nMel: You! You would all love to torture me, wouldn't you? [gets down on all fours and hoists his ass up] Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there, I can take it!\nKyle: Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of that guy's movie?\nMel: [rises and walks up to the boys] Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars!\nStan: It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucked!\nMel: You can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying Christianity sucked!\nStan: No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got killed. Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results.\nJack: You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of Christ.\nTicket Salesman: Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times. We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith.\nCartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!\nKyle: Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche. [a grinning Mel squats and farts on Cartman, defecating on Cartman]\nMel: Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo! [hops towards the camera.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The True Value parking lot somewhere in South Park, day. The boys are playing with motorized toy cars.\nCartman: Dude, these little remote-controlled cars are kickass. [a car goes up a ramp and jumps off]\nKyle: Sweet. I made mine go off the jump. [Stan's car is uncooperative]\nStan: Dude, my car sucks. I gotta get a new one. [some kids come up behind Stan]\nKyle: Hey, who are those kids?\nScene Description: Stan and Cartman turn to see. The crew of five approach and stop. Their leader, dressed in grays, steps forth with his boombox and sets it down, presses \"Play,\" and steps back into the crew. A rap begins to play and the crew begins to dance.\nBoombox: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka! [brief instrumental] Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance-\nOC Leader: Yeah, how you like that y'all! [Stan and his friends merely look on]\nOC Member 1: [dressed in red] Let's bring it to these losers.\nOC Girl: Aww yeah!\nScene Description: The OC crew leader dances forward and does some gymnastics moves in Stan's face.\nOC Leader: Whatchoo got, huh?! You got nothin'!\nScene Description: The OC crew leader does some more moves and steps backwards into his crew.\nOC Leader: Damn! You just got served!\nScene Description: His crew agrees with him. Stan and friends don't move. The crew member dressed in red steps forward and dances in Kyle's face.\nOC Leader: Aww man!\nScene Description: One of the dancers twirls on his head and ends in a challenge pose.\nOC Girl: He got you, dude.\nOC Leader: Now that kid is gettin' served!\nOC Girl: Uh huh.\nScene Description: The dancer in red stands on his left hand and challenges Kyle with his groin.\nOC: Whoa!\nScene Description: The dancer rolls away and stands on his right hand, rolls back and rests on his left side, then dances away.\nOC Leader: Aww man, look at them! They know they can't trip to that! [the girl turns the radio off and the dancers turn and walk away.] Yeah! We're outta here!\nOC Member 2: [in gray-green, looks left] That was smokin'!\nOC Member 1: [looks right] They didn't do nothin'!\nOC Member 3: [Asian, turns around] Sorry y'all, but try not to let it sting too bad! [laughs and turns around]\nOC Leader: [turns around] You got served! [the others laugh and he turns around] Come on! They had nothin'! Let's go y'all!\nOC Member: Come on y'all! [...and they're gone]\nKyle: ...What the hell just happened?\nScene Description: Chef's house, later. Stan rings the doorbell.\nChef: [opens up] Oh. Hello there, children!\nStan: Chef, we just got served.\nChef: Oh boy... Well come on inside, children. I'll make you some cocoa.\nScene Description: Chef's house, living room. Chef shows the children to the couch.\nChef: Have a seat, children. Just try to relax and breathe. [the boys sit down] Are you all okay?\nKyle: Yeah.\nChef: All right. Now, where did you get served?\nStan: Over at the True Value parking lot. There were just these kids we never saw before showed up and they were like, really good dancers and, we don't really understand what it means, but I guess-\nChef: Okay okay, relax children. Relax. It's all over now. Just try to calm down and sit tight. [turns around and picks up the phone] I'm gonna call your parents and let them know you're okay. [taps out a number and the phone rings] Mrs. Marsh? Hi, it's Chef. Yeah, I'm good. Listen: Stan and his friends just got served. Yeah. Yeah, over at the True Value. No no, he's fine. They're all fine. Yeah, it was some kids from out of town. Apparently they were pretty good dancers. They really let 'em have it.\nScene Description: Stan's house, that night. The family is at the dining table. Sharon brings a large dish over to Stan.\nSharon: Here, Stanley, I made your favorite potato dish. I want you to feel better, okay.\nRandy: What's the matter with him?\nSharon: Oh. Stan got served at school today.\nRandy: You got served? By who?\nStan: Some, kids from Orange County.\nSharon: Let's not make a big deal out of it.\nRandy: So wha- so what'd you do? D'you dance back?\nStan: No.\nRandy: What? Yo-you got served and just stood there and took it?\nSharon: That was the right thing to do.\nRandy: No, that's crap, Sharon. Stanley, when somebody challenges you to dance, you have to dance back at them, or else they'll think you're weak.\nStan: But Dad, I don't know how to dance or nothin'.\nRandy: [in low tones] Well then, it's about time you learned! [rises from the table] Put on some loose-fitting clothes and meet me in the garage!\nStan: But Dad-\nRandy: Now! [walks off]\nScene Description: Stan's house, garage. Stan and Randy are present. Randy is dressed in sweats, Stan is dressed in sweat pants and sleeveless T-shirt. Randy puts a CD into a stereo system.\nRandy: All right son, dancing is all about a frame of mind. Now, I'm not telling you to go around challenging other kids to dance, but when they challenge you, you just look 'em straight in the eye, and give 'em this.\nScene Description: \"Achy-Breaky Heart\" begins to play, and Randy begins to dance and starts to sing. Stan looks on.\nRandy: Come on, Stan.\nScene Description: Stan steps closer and begins to follow Randy's moves.\nRandy: ...six, seven, eight.\nScene Description: Stan steps out of a slipper, but slips back into it quickly.\nScene Description: South Park, day, Luau's Toys. Stan and his friends exit and walk down the street.\nKyle: Dude, that is a sweet RC car!\nStan: [carrying the car] Yeah, let's go race it right now![they run into the OC kids]\nOC Member 2: Well, what we got here?\nOC Member 1: It's the white boys that were served yesterday. [they laugh]\nOC Leader: You want a little more, homeboys?\nKyle: We're not interested, thanks.\nOC Member 1: [steps forth] You're not interested? Not interested in this?\nScene Description: The OC member waits for the boombox to play, then dances in Kyle's face, including a back flip. All of the OC crew members begin to dance.\nBoombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can't burn with my group so don't light it. I'm on the OC crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare.\nBlack Man: Oh Lord, look at those moves.\nBlack Woman: Oooo, they are takin' it out!\nBlack Man 2: Oh man, they are getting served!\nBlack Woman 2: Ooooo, it's getting hot out here!\nBlack Man 3: Have mercy!\nScene Description: The dancers edge closer and closer to the South Park boys.\nOthers: Oooooo, look at that! Lord! Gettin' served!\nScene Description: The rap music is turned off and the OC crew turns to see who did it. Stan puts in his CD and prepares to serve the OC boys. \"Achy Breaky Heart\" plays and Stan dances the steps he learned the night before. The crowds behind both groups look on for a while, then begin to cheer Stan on. Chef is walking down the street minding his own business, but he looks over at the commotion and his jaw drops.\nKyle: Yeah! Go Stan!\nChef: Oh no! [begins to cross the street] No, stop Stan! You don't know what you're doin'!\nScene Description: The OC crew are speechless. The song ends. Stan looks around and smiles. Kenny, Cartman and the crowd applaud Stan. Kyle pats Stan on the back. The OC kids look like they just got served.\nKyle: All right Stan!\nCartman: Ha! You just got f'd in the a!\nOC Leader: Wha?\nKyle: Yeah! You got served!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nCartman: Yeah!\nKyle: That's right!\nCartman: All right!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nChef: [arrives] No no no!\nOC Leader: Okay. All right. We got served. So now, I guess... It's on.\nStan: What?\nOC Member 1: This Saturday! Our top five dancers against your top five dancers! OC Convention Center. It's on!\nOC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!\nTownsman: [closes his eyes and laments] Oh Lord it's on!\nChef: Oh dammit! I knew that was gonna happen.\nOC Member 3: We'll see you Saturday, fools! [the crowd behind the OC crew parts and they leave]\nOC Members: Yeah, and you'd better have a lot better dancers with you than those loozas! 'Cause it's on!\nOC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!\nScene Description: The crowd begins to murmur about Saturday and the competition.\nChef: Stan, what the hell did you dance back for?\nStan: I thought I was supposed to!\nChef: Now you've gotta compete against them in the dance competition on Saturday!\nStan: But why?\nChef: Because if you get served and served them back, then it's on! Don't you know anything??\nScene Description: Stan's house, breakfast nook. Randy is filling out checks for his bills.\nSharon: [enters the kitchen with Stan] Well, nice going, Randy! Really great advice you gave our son here!\nRandy: [turns around] What?\nSharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again and he danced back!\nRandy: So what happened?\nSharon: It's on!\nScene Description: Stan looks helplessly at his father as his mother drags him off. Randy looks on.\nScene Description: OC Convention Center, day. A large screen over the Center says \"Bounce\" while a sign closer to the viewer says \"This Saturday, 7 PM, Orange County VS. South Park, Dance Competition. It's On!!!!\" Inside, preparations are made for the competition. On the floor, the OC crew practices its move under their coach's supervision.\nCoach: Come on now, keep it tight!\nScene Description: The OC leader and the member in red drop backwards and then spin on their heads, the girl spins on her left hand\nCoach: Good. Now watch that timing, drill team!\nScene Description: In the background Randy appears and walks through one of the many doors. The crew finishes with a flourish. The members then congratulate themselves.\nOC Member 1: All right!\nOC Girl: [stands] All right!\nOC Leader: Yeah, bad ass!\nOC Member 2: Yeah, that was tight!\nCoach: Not bad, kids. Not bad. [Randy approaches]\nOC Member 1: Not bad? South Park doesn't stand a chance!\nOC Girl: I heard that!\nCoach: All right, it was good. But we don't want \"good,\" we want pain!\nRandy: Uh, hey, ex- excuse me.\nCoach: [turns around] Yeah?\nRandy: Hi, uh, my name is Randy Marsh. I'm Stan Marsh's father.\nCoach: Oh, so you're the father of the boy who's gonna get f'd in the a on Saturday?\nOC Member 3: Dang!\nOC Leader: Oooooo!\nRandy: Uh, listen. Uh, it was my fault that Stanley served your boys the other day. Uh, I told him to do it and I... We- well look I, I just came down here to tell you... it- it- it's not on.\nCoach: Oh, it's on!\nRandy: No, no, no, it's not on.\nCoach: Whoo, it's on all right!\nRandy: It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off.\nCoach: [insistent] It's on!\nRandy: I'm keeping my son home Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Goodbye. [turns around and walks away]\nCoach: Hold on a second, clam-head! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?! You're just trying to make us not practice, aren't you?! Because you know that your kids are goin' down when my kids give them this! Give me some moves out, Girl T! [the girl turns on the boombox] Check this out! [balances on his left hand and bounces around, then stands up] Yeah! You like that?!\nOC Leader: Oooo man! [shakes his head]\nOC Member 1: Ohhh Lord!\nScene Description: The coach spins on his back, rises to one hand, flips over, and lands doing the splits, then rises to his feet using an imaginary hook.\nOC Leader: Oooo, he is gettin' served! [the girl shakes her head]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Randy is recovering in a room. He's got breathing tubes in his nose and his eyes are squeezed shut. His friends surround him.\nRandy: Aw, mph! Uuuugh-ah.\nSharon: [enters with Stan] Randy? [rushes to his bedside] Randy, oh my God!\nSkeeter: What happened to him, Doctor?\nDr. Doctor: He got served. Worst I've ever seen.\nJimbo: Old fool went down to the OC to try to reason with the other team, and he got served up somethin' fierce.\nChef: Oh Lord...\nRandy: [his voice raspy] His dancing was so fast I... couldn't do anything. His moves were... so original, so inventive. [winces] Ungh! Grrgh.\nNurse: [soothing him] Shh. Relax, Mr. Marsh. [Dr. Doctor walks off]\nDr. Doctor: We just got the X-rays back. [walks to a backlit board and points out the injuries] He mostly got served here [a rib] and here [forearm]. But the worst serving was here in the pelvis region. The road to recovery will be a long one.\nJimbo: Boy. You must really wanna take to to those Orange County kids now, huh, Stan?\nSkeeter: Are you kiddin'? Stan is probably ready to pounce on them after what they did to his father! [looks over at his dad, then at the other men]\nStan: I, I don't know. He seems all right.\nMr. Garrison: I could only imagine the rage building inside you, Stan. I bet you can't wait to out-dance those OC bastards!\nRandy: Stan? Stan?\nStan: [walks to Randy's bedside] Yeah, I'm- I'm right here, Dad.\nRandy: Stan, listen to me. I don't want you feeling like you have to do that competition now to avenge me.\nStan: Okay, good.\nRandy: [emphatic] But I know I can't stop you from doing it. So all I can say is... give 'em hell, son. Give 'em hell. [passes out. The \"8 Mile\" theme begins to play and the camera closes in on Stan]\nStan: [thinks and then walks off miffed] God dammit!\nScene Description: Loading dock at South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks over and finds the Goths there, as usual. Henrietta reads a book.\nStan: Hey guys. Uh- You guys know how to dance, right?\nMichael: [with cigarette] Of course we know how to dance.\nStan: Cool, because, there's this competition on Saturday, and I have to find the very best dancers in South Park to be on my crew. My friends can't do it because they suck ass, so, will you be in my dance troupe?\nPete: Dance troupe? Please. [leans to one side and whips his hair back into place] We don't dance like those Britney and Justin wannabes at school. [whips his hair back into place] Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering.\nMichael: Yeah. [stands up] The only cool way to dance is to keep your hands at your sides and your eyes looking at the ground. Then every three seconds you take a drag from your cigarette.\nScene Description: Michael leans his head to the right for two beats, leans it to the left for two beats, leans it to the right for two beats while taking a drag, leans it to the left for two beats, repeats. The red Goth follows suit, then all four Goths dance the same way.\nStan: Okay, that'll work fine. Listen, there's a dance competition this Saturday and I need good dancers so I don't get served.\nPete: [flips his hair back] No way. Dancing is something you do alone in your room at three in the morning.\nStan: [walks up to the red Goth] Please, you guys, our whole town's reputation is at stake! Will any of you do it?\nPete: I'm not doin' it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.\nHenrietta: Yeah. I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.\nFirkle: I'm not doin' it either. I'm the biggest nonconformist of all.\nMichael: I'm such a nonconformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it. [rises and walks over to Stan]\nStan: Great! [they leave together]\nHenrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.\nPete: Yeah. We just got Goth-served.\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and Michael walk down the street.\nStan: All right, we gotta find three other kids that can dance.\nMichael: We should go to the arcade. [takes a drag from his cigarette]\nStan: The arcade?\nMichael: Yeah. There's this Asian kid name Yao. He's an expert at that Dance Dance Revolution game. [takes a drag from his cigarette]\nScene Description: The Sinistarcade. A Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Machine game is prominently shown, and an Asian boy dances furiously on the foot pad on the right. The arrows indicate which foot buttons the boy should be stepping on. He's hit every one, so his score is perfect. Stan and Michael look on.\nStan: Dude, he's incredible.\nMichael: He should be. He's here playing that game every single day after school. I think he's spent about six thousand dollars on it so far. [the game gets faster and faster and the kid keeps up. Eventually the game ends, the boy picks up his soda cup and walks away.]\nStan: [catches up to Yao at the change machine] Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?\nYao: You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do?\nStan: Yeah.\nYao: That's stupid. [waves him off and walks away]\nStan: [catches up] Dude, we need you.\nYao: I can't dance without the machine.\nStan: It's all right. My friend Chef is gonna coach us.\nYao: Okay. I'll give it a shot.\nStan: All right, that's three!\nMichael: Dude, we need a girl.\nStan: Huh?\nMichael: We can't be a dance troupe with just guys. People will think we're fags.\nStan: Oh yeah. [thinks a bit with finger to chin] Wait a minute. I know just where to go!\nScene Description: Raisins. Happy Hour all day!!! Inside the little waitresses go about their work. Two of them dance, shaking their asses in rhythmic unison. Mercedes dances for a boy, who looks on in bliss.\nPorsche: Hi guys, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?\nStan: Ah actually we were just hoping we could talk to you guys real quick.\nMaury: You have to buy wings if you wanna talk to the Raisins girls. [Stan look at his crew. Moments later they are seated at the bar, with Mercedes]\nStan: And so we're putting all the best dancers in South Park together to beat Orange County.\nMercedes: [twirling her hair] Wow, that sounds great. I always wanted to try my dancing somewhere else.\nStan: So you'll do it?\nMercedes: Why not?\nStan: All right, we just need one more person!\nMercedes: Hey, we should get that kid that was state champion in tap dancing.\nStan: What? The state tap champion is from here? Who?\nMercedes: I think his name was... [closes her eyes] Leopold... Stotch or something?\nStan: Leopold Stotch...? Wait a minute. You mean...\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's at the kitchen assembling a toy car.\nButters: Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo, I've-\nLinda: [enters] Butters, you have some visitors. [Stan, Michael, Mercedes, and Yao appear]\nButters: [turns around] Oh well, hi there everybody. [his mom leaves]\nStan: Butters, listen. There's gonna be a competition this Saturday, and we want you to join our troupe.\nButters: Wow, neat-o, a competition? Why, I'd love to. What kind of competition is it?\nStan: It's a dance-off. We heard you were tap dancing state champion two years ago. [his smile vanishes as he begins to think back, then a small grimace appears.]\nButters: ...No.\nStan: But, you were, weren't you? Y-you went to the nationals in Nebraska.\nButters: No. [hops off the chair and runs away] No no no no no no, no! [runs into the living room and up the stairs] No! No no no no!\nLinda: Butters? [rises and looks up the stairs] Butters?! [Stan and the other kids enter]\nStan: We just asked him to join our dance troupe. We heard he was state tap champion.\nLinda: Oh. Oh dear. I'm sorry kids, it's just that... Butters hasn't danced since the tragedy.\nMercedes: A tragedy?\nButters: [from his room] Waaaaah!\nLinda: I'm sorry, kids, you'll have to go.\nScene Description: Outside. The kids leave Butters' house and make their way to the sidewalk.\nStan: Dammit, where are we gonna get our fifth member?\nYao: Hey I heard about this guy in Como who has a duck that can dance.\nStan: A duck? Dude, don't be stupid! Those OC kids are professional dancers! Now come on, there's gotta be one other talented person in South Park.\nScene Description: Butters' house, Butters' bedroom closer door slides open and he looks in. On the floor, covered in cobwebs and underneath some clothes is an orange shoe box with red lid. Butters slides the door open more and reaches in. He pulls out the box and sets it on his bed. He sits down next to it, nervously. Butters opens the box and pulls out news clippings: \"Local Boy Taps His Way to the Finals\" \"Best in State Arrive in Lincoln\" \"Eight Dead as Finalist Loses Step\" \"Biggest Tap Tragedy since 1954\". He then removes some tissue from the tap shoes, then removes a shoe. He inspects it until he sees the blood on the side of the shoe.\nButters: Aaaaah! [quickly throws the shoes and clippings away, then goes to cry into his pillow] Aaaaah!\nScene Description: A ranch. Stan and his troupe arrive.\nStan: All right, so you're sure he can dance?\nRancher: Oh yeah. There he is. That's Jeffy.\nYao: That don't look like a dancing duck to me.\nRancher: Well, that's 'cause it needs music. Here y-here ya go, Jeffy.\nScene Description: The rancher brings out a violin and begins playing.\nRancher: You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honeeey. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, babe.\nScene Description: The duck rises and begins to dance.\nRancher: You'll do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight an' screw 'til the mornin' time. Honey, babe, be mine. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honey-\nStan: Hey, he- Is that the only song he'll dance to?\nRancher: No no, he'll dance to anything. See? You'll snort K and I'll snort K, honeeey. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, babe. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight an' screw all night and day. Honey, babe, be mine.\nStan: My friends, I think we have ourselves a dance troupe.\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Linda walks up the stairs to Butters' room and knocks on the door.\nLinda: Butters? Butters? Come on, sweetie, it's gonna be okay. [a shot of Butters under the covers, with bug eyes] Come on, Butters. You went through a lot of therapy for this. That was almost two years ago, sweetie.\nButters: Two years ago. Two years ago!\nScene Description: The camera goes into Butters' eye and a memory of the finals two years prior comes up. A girl dances, finishes, and takes several curtsies.\nAnnouncer: That was Beverly Long from Indianapolis, folks. Let her hear it! [she waves to the audience and walks off] All right, and now, dancing to the song \"I've Got Something In My Front Pocket For You,\" here is Colorado state champion, Leopold \"Butters\" Stotch! [the audience applauds. The Stotches are present and clapping with the audience. The song begins to play, Butters begins to dance]\nSinger: I've got something in my front pocket for you Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is Then grab onto it, it's just for you Give a little squeeze and say, \"How do you do?\" There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket-\nScene Description: As the song reaches its climax, he dances faster and faster, until his right shoe flies off his foot.\nButters: Whoops.\nScene Description: Butters' shoe strikes a floodlight in the rafters and knocks it down. The light lands on a man, instantly killing him. Blood splatters onto the surrounding audience members, who get up and scatter. The rafters begin to break apart. A pole comes down and impales a fleeing woman. Her flying blood reaches Butters. More lights fall down and a cable is torn from its anchor, leaving a hole in the wall. The cable swings down and slices a couple in two along the abdomen. The upper halves of their bodies slide off and fall to the ground.\nWoman: Paul. Paul!\nScene Description: The woman grabs onto the stage light and is electrocuted. Another man, who was sliced in two by the cable, attempts to gather his insides back into himself. The rafters come down and kill another man, and Paul's widow finally blows up. More blood lands on Butters, and the crowd begins to panic.\nButters: Wuuuhaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [a man is trampled to death underfoot. Butters watches the auditorium empty out] No! Nooo! Noooooooooooooooo!\nScene Description: South Park, day. Chef approaches Lamont's Dance Studio with his boombox and duffle bag.\nChef: All right, children, let's get to rehearsin'! [sets his stuff onto a table next to the door] We don't have much time, and you've got to become the dance group you can be. [moves further into the studio] I think we should- [stops] Whoa. [a shot of the five dancers, including Jeffy, who quacks] This... is the dance troupe?\nStan: Yeah, dude, the best dancers South Park has to offer.\nChef: Oh boy. [returns to his boombox] All right, well, why don't you show me what you got? I wanna see what you kids can do!\nScene Description: Chef starts the CD player. The troupe members display their moves: Stan with the Achy Breaky Dance, Michael with the hanging head, Yao with his DDDM moves, Mercedes with her rump shaker, Jeffy with his duck strut.\nBoombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can't burn with my group so don't light it. I'm on the East-side crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare.\nChef: Oh Lord have mercy. [turns off the boombox] Children, children! No no, you've got it all wrong. Don't you see, children? You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. No no, wait. You have the soul, but you don't have the heart. [scratches his head] No no, scratch that. You have the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.\nStan: We're gonna get served on Saturday, aren't we?\nYao: What? I don't wanna get served.\nMercedes: Yeah, you didn't tell us that we might get served.\nStan: Well that was the whole point of the whole thing was that the guys came back and they said we were gonna get served and we were like- [the others also speak, the others continue to argue, talking over one another.]\nChef: All right all right, quiet, children! Now, nobody's getting served if I can help it. We just gotta buckle down, dig deep, and pray that maybe the other team comes down with cancer. [Stan droops his head.]\nScene Description: Butters' room. He's working on a Lego building, which might be a model of South Park. Stan enters and walks up to him. Butters glances back and then looks at his work again.\nButters: What do you want?\nStan: I came to ask you one more time to join the crew. Everyone is practicing really hard, but... I don't think we have any kind of shot without you.\nButters: Sorry, Stan, I'm not a dancer anymore. [leaves his chair and walks up to his Lego box] I gave that up.\nStan: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country.\nButters: [rummaging for Lego blocks to take back to his desk] Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?\nStan: Yeah. She said your shoe came off. It wasn't your fault.\nButters: Yeah well, you tell that to their families. [returns to his desk with a new batch of blocks]\nStan: Look, Butters, accidents happen. We all have to live with that.\nButters: [whirls around] I let those people down! Don't you get it, man?! Eight people died!\nStan: Well, it was nine, actually. One of the women was pregnant.\nButters: What?\nStan: And eleven if you count the two family members that killed themselves afterward.\nButters: [cups his hear so he hears no more] Aaaah!\nStan: But that isn't the point, Butters! [Butters resumes building his tiny town] The point is that this is now! It's on! And there are people who need you to step up! Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. But competing against other people and getting in their faces saying \"Haha! I'm better than you!\" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here and play Legos until you're an old man.\nButters: Get out of my room, Stan.\nStan: [Firmly] Fine. [walks to the door and opens it] But someday you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and start dealing with it. Otherwise, you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves and closes the door. Butters, angered, tosses some blocks into his town, then wipes the town off the desk.]\nScene Description: The OC Convention Center. \"It's ON!!!! NOW!!!!\".\nMC: Yeah, make some noise!\nScene Description: The audience cheers. The OC side is shown, then the SP side. The Blacks, Jimbo, Ned, Skeeter, and Mr. Garrison are in that audience. The South Park crew is then shown with Chef\nMC: Ladies and Gentlemen,\nScene Description: The Marshes are shown, Randy with his portable oxygen tank and wheelchair.\nMC: man, you are all in for a treat! Whichever crew wins tonight, you wanna remember their faces, 'cause the next time you see them... will be in Lil Kim's next video! Give it up for Lil Kim!\nScene Description: A tiny Lil Kim is shown seated on a table. Her lips and breasts are waaaay too big for her infant-sized body.\nLil Kim: [high squeaky voice] What's up, n***az?! [waves to the audience]\nMC: This is gonna be a rough battle, y'all. So let's give it up for the OC Crew! [the crew is shown, then their parents in the audience are shown] And the challengers, the South Park Diggitys!\nJimbo: Man, it is about to get crazy up in here.\nMr. Garrison: Aww, yeah.\nMC: A'ight y'all. It's showtime!\nAnnouncer: Dancers to the floor! [the OC Crew steps forth]\nMercedes: [runs up to Stan] Stan. Stan, we have a big problem!\nStan: What?\nMercedes: It's Jeffy. He sprained his ankle.\nScene Description: Jeffy the duck has an ice pack on his ankle. The rest of the crew approaches.\nStan: What happened??\nMercedes: He was practicing the six-eight count and slipped on the floor.\nOC Member 3: Come on, fools! You dancin' or what?!\nYao: Can he move it?\nScene Description: Yao touches the ice pack and Jeffy protests vociferously. Yao removes his hand.\nStan: Aw, what do we do, Chef?!\nChef: Rules are you have to have five dancers. We have no choice, children. We have to forfeit.\nOC Member 1: Looks like they ain't even gonna dance.\nOC Leader: They're too scared! Looks like they already got served!\nScene Description: The doors at the back of the OCCC open up and Butters appears. Some spectators turn to see who it is, but have a hard time because of the glare behind Butters. The doors close behind him and he walks down the hall towards the dance-off.\nButters: Hey! Can I still dance with you guys?\nStan: Butters! [the SP crew moves towards him]\nChef: All right!\nMC: All right come on, let's do this! DJ! Give us a hot track!\nScene Description: The DJ starts up a CD. The OC Crew dances first.\nCD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!\nScene Description: The OC leader comes up to Butters and serves him with a balance act on the right hand twice and a back flip, then returns to the crew, spins on his head a few times, then ends on his side, resting his head on his right hand.\nCD: Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka!\nScene Description: The music begins a brief instrumental. The Diggitys answer the serve with a sequence that has the members twirling and handing off to the next one until all point to Butters. He then steps forth tap-dancing. He dances well, but his dancing gets intense quickly.\nCD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you dance sucka!\nScene Description: Butters' intensity is so great that his left shoe flies off his foot and sails into the rafters.\nButters: Waaah! [the spectators follow the shoe's arc. The shoe hits a stage light, which comes down and kills the OC leader. The OC coach comes forward] No! Jesus, not again!\nOC Member 1: Aaaah!\nOC Member 3: Get out of here!\nScene Description: The rafters come down on the rest of the crew, including the coach, killing them instantly. Butters and the spectators are mortified at these developments.\nMC: [walks up, sadly] Folks, it looks like the OC crew is dead. [excitedly] That means the winner is the South Park Diggitys!\nSkeeter: Woo!\nMr. Garrison: Yeah!\nJimbo: All right!\nChef: All right! We did it! [he and the Diggitys approach Butters]\nStan: All right Butters!\nYao: You did it!\nRandy: You did it, son! You did it!\nCartman: All right, Butters!\nScene Description: The people who arrive to congratulate Butters: Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Liane, Token and his parents, Ned, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor McDaniels. Stan and Cartman hoist Butters up between them and walk towards the camera. The others follow. Butters' mouth fills the screen.\nButters: No! No! Noooooo!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door. He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting on the porch.\nButters: What the heck?\nScene Description: Butters steps outside to look for the address label.\nButters: Whoa! What a huge package! [finds it, the shipping label reads]\nButters: To Butters Stotch. Oh boy! It's for me! It's for me! [returns to the crate's label]\nButters: Who is it from? \"Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa.\" [skips around] Wow! A package for me from Japan!!+\nScene Description: Butters pushes the crate into the house.\nButters: Wow, what can it be? My birthday isn't until September 11.\nScene Description: Butters skips around and runs into the house. He returns with a small crowbar.\nButters: Oh boy! I've never gotten a package this big! I've always wanted to have a huge package.\nScene Description: Butters tugs at the panel he loosened. The panel swings down and Butters flies off. He lays on his back and looks up. A large A.W.E.S.O.M.- O., wide enough to resemble Cartman, walks out of the crate.\nCartman: [monotone] Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.\nButters: [dazzled] Whoa...\nCartman: I have been sent from Japan to serve as your personal robot.\nButters: [approaches AWESOM-O] You... you're my robot?\nCartman: Yes. I will be your new best friend.\nButters: Oh wow!\nScene Description: Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters goes to his desk and makes a few calls.\nButters: Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot. He can walk and talk and everything. You're like the fourth kid I told already.\nScene Description: Cartman snickers to himself\nButters: Well I gotta go, Dougie. My robot and I have stuff to do.\nScene Description: Butters hangs up, takes the phone back to his bedside table and sets the phone down.\nButters: Heheh, they're all so jealous! [He hops onto the bed next to Cartman.] I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best friend a guy could have.\nCartman: Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In fact, you should tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff.\nButters: Hey yeah! Well, I can tell you anything, huh? [strokes his chin] Well lessee... Well, for one, I have what's called a hesitated colon, which means I sometimes can't control my sphincter.\nCartman: [snickers] Really?\nButters: Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school. [Cartman begins to chuckle] You okay, AWESOM-O?\nCartman: Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.\nButters: Well, I have to take medicine for it every day. It's a little suppository I have to... put up my rectum.\nCartman: [laughs] That, that's very interesting. Tell AWESOM-O more secrets.\nButters: Hm, okay. Let's see [strokes his chin] Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school; his name is Eric Cartman, and he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff.\nCartman: Oh, really?\nButters: Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth, and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days.\nCartman: Heh. Wow, that sucks.\nButters: Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy, so my dad came home and beat me.\nCartman: Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.\nButters: No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play a trick on me ever again! [hops off and walks towards his desk.]\nCartman: Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you.\nButters: Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets!\nCartman: What?\nButters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! He sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake.\nCartman: You saw that?\nButters: Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!\nCartman: Nuh uh.\nButters: I've got the whole thing on tape! Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout!\nCartman: No way.\nButters: Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody! Then I'll have my revenge, boy howdy!\nCartman: [beat] ...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?\nButters: Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?\nCartman: Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape?\nButters: How come?\nCartman: Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, back it up for you, and make copies and stuff. I am AWESOM-O.\nButters: Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you. [leaves the room]\nCartman: [moments later, still on the bed] Oh, son of a bitch!\nScene Description: Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it.\nButters: Hey there have you heard about my robot friend?\nScene Description: They're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a story.\nButters: He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all. He's a cyber, wired bundle of joy.\nScene Description: Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot is good and Butters is pleased.\nButters: My robot friend.\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're dismayed at what they see. Stan pinches his nose and shuts his eyes in frustration, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow.\nButters: I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend.\nScene Description: Butters jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles.\nButters: He's smart as can be and emotion-free\nScene Description: Butters washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see \"The Prince and Me.\" They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O.\nButters: And he's computed his way to my heart. My robot friend.\nScene Description: At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one, he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O doesn't need the other one. The waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger.\nButters: My robot friend.\nScene Description: Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon.\nButters: My robot friend.\nScene Description: They walk into a sunset together.\nButters: My robot... friend.\nScene Description: Butters' house, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the coffee table.\nLinda: Oohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot?\nStephen: [tosses the paper onto the couch arm as Linda serves him coffee] Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. Leave it to them to find a fun way to do the dishes. [takes his cup]\nButters: [leading Cartman to the stairs] That's great AWESOM-O! [Cartman carries a pile of clothes] You can carry all my laundry in one trip!\nLinda: Ah, Butters, it's getting late. You should be getting ready for bed soon.\nButters: Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime.\nLinda: Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night?\nButters: Well of course he is. He's my robot, ain't he?\nLinda: That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?\nCartman: AWESOM-O does not have a mom.\nButters: Yeah! Don't you know nothin' about robots? Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry away! [Cartman follows Butters upstairs]\nLinda: Aw, that's just adorable.\nStephen: It's good to see Butters finally have a friend that wants to stay over.\nScene Description: The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O stands next to him.\nButters: I love to brush my teeth! In the mornin' and at night! To keep 'em white and healthy, I got to brush them all the time!\nCartman: [under his breath] Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like this. [normal. Butters opens up the medicine cabinet] Butters, remember when you said you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears?\nButters: Oh. Yeah.\nCartman: I would like to see what he looks like so I can beat him up for you. May I see the video?\nButters: [turns around carrying a box of suppositories] Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository. [takes one out and puts the box on the cabinet] Can you help me?\nCartman: What?\nButters: Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It'll be so much easier havin' you do it from now on.\nCartman: Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed for that function.\nButters: [hops down from the stool] Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. You just take this little thingy out of the plastic... paper, and I'll, I'll pull down my pants ...and just slide it up in my anus there.\nCartman: ...No way.\nButters: AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed to do whatever I tell you.\nCartman: Weak! [turns right and faces Butters' ass.]\nButters: Ye- yeah, that, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep.\nCartman: Lame!\nScene Description: Butters' house, moments later.\nButters: All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get some sleep. [POV changes from outside to bedroom overhead] Hey, you want me to teach you some bedtime songs? If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo...\nCartman: AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.\nButters: Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get us some shut-eye, [turns off the light] or what, or whatever robots have.\nScene Description: Butters closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. He turns to his left and places a hand on AWESOM-O.\nScene Description: Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess. His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters' desk looking through more stuff.\nCartman: Where is it? Where is it?!\nButters: AWESOM-O?!\nCartman: Wah!\nButters: AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing?\nCartman: Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your stuff for you.\nButters: Aw Jeez, Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be awful sore when she sees this mess! Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You can't do no chores for me unless I tell you to do them! You got it?!\nCartman: AWESOM-O understands.\nButters: Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!\nScene Description: Three spankings follow, but as they are done against the robot frame, they are ineffective.\nButters: Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it because I love you. Okay, come on, let's go make some breakfast.\nCartman: Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!\nScene Description: Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at the coffee table.\nButters: Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture of us playing in a field together. [Butters and AWESOM-O are walking in a field] Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight. [walks off]\nCartman: I would like some Sunny Delight too.\nButters: [tickled] Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'. [tickled, turns away] Uh, heehee. [the doorbell rings] Whoa. Uh, go answer the door, AWESOM-O.\nCartman: [turns] AWESOM-O will answers the door. [walks towards the door as Butters leaves and opens it. He sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny]\nKyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass?\nStan: Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot?\nCartman: [normal voice] Shh! [lifts up the helmet part of the outfit] I just need to uh make Butters think I'm a robot for a little while longer.\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: Because I need to, all right?! I've got something planned that's uh gonna be really sweet. Just play along, okay?\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?\nButters: [appears behind Cartman holding his glass of Sunny Delight] Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?\nScene Description: Cartman turns around, then adjusts his helmet.\nCartman: [monotone] Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.\nButters: Ah, hey fellas! Ah, I see you met my robot.\nStan: Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.\nButters: Hey he sure is! We do everything together. Why last night we even had a slumber party. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny quickly look to Cartman]\nCartman: Weak.\nButters: He can do anything I command him to. He's real smart. Watch this: Hey AWESOM-O, will you go get my friends some Sunny Delight?\nCartman: Yes, of course. [begins to walk towards the kitchen]\nKyle: Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, [Cartman stops] I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.\nCartman: Suck my balls, Kyle. [resumes his walk]\nButters: [cheerfully] He's made in Japan!\nScene Description: The dining room. Stephen holds a cup of coffee and listens as Linda talks to Liane.\nLinda: Yes, it has just been a delight having your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and Butters are really getting along great.\nLiane: Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. Eric has been having some emotional problems lately.\nLinda: Well, the reason I'm calling is that Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. The boys are getting along so well, that we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along.\nLiane: Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.\nLinda: [Stephen takes a sip] Excuse me, I didn't catch that.\nLiane: Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll bring some of clothes over.\nLinda: Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited.\nScene Description: The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink.\nCartman: Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere.\nButters: [enters] AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends are waiting for their beverages. Chop chop! [Cartman moves to the refrigerator, Stephen and Linda enter]\nLinda: Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged, you two are both going to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!\nButters: [overjoyed] Oh boy! My robot gets to come with me to see Aunt Nellie?!\nCartman: What?\nButters: Oh boy, [shakes Cartman's hand] AWESOM-O! We're gonna have the best time ever! [hugs the \"robot\"]\nCartman: Lame.\nScene Description: Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background.\nScene Description: Aunt Nellie's house.\nUncle Budd: Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' around the airport. [Butters enters in a suit]\nButters: Hi Aunt Nellie! [runs up to her and they hug each other]\nAunt Nellie: There's my little nephew! How was your flight? [they let go of each other]\nButters: It was long. We had a three-hour delay... departin' Denver, but we're here!\nAunt Nellie: Didn't ya bring any bags?\nButters: Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' them in.\nAunt Nellie: Your robot?\nUncle Budd: Butters' new friend is a little strange. He, he really takes playing Robot seriously.\nScene Description: Cartman walks in mechanically with all the luggage.\nButters: There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie. [Cartman drops the suitcases]\nAunt Nellie: Hello! It's nice to have you here.\nCartman: AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where is the nearest toilet, please?\nAunt Nellie: Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.\nCartman: Thank you. [walks in the direction Aunt Nellie points to]\nUncle Budd: I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip.\nAunt Nellie: Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, or are you guys hungry after such a long flight.\nButters: Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O is a robot, so he don't need to eat.\nAunt Nellie: Right...\nScene Description: Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches... for the toothpaste. He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily.\nButters: [knocks on the door] AWESOM-O?\nCartman: Aw- Aw- AWESOM-O is coming. [finishes off the tube, hops down, and tosses the tube aside]\nButters: Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go sightseein'!\nCartman: Argh! [heads out.]\nScene Description: Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next, he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.\nButters: I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friend We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun We're two of a kind- That's me! And my robot friend. My robot friend. My robot friend.\nScene Description: Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman carries the bags.\nButters: Can you believe we're at a real live movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' the best time?!\nCartman: Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps?\nButters: Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The film studio commissary. [Le Catamount Bistró] That's where all them rich movie producers who come up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch. Neat-o, huh? [moves off]\nScene Description: Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.\nProducer: [as the other producer eats] Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio can't come up with any winners? I mean, we're smart, right?\nMitch: [the bald producer] We're really smart.\nProducer: We need an idea for a movie that's a home run. A feel-good romp for the whole family. [notices something and points] Hey, what's that over there? [Mitch looks over his shoulder. The camera looks at Butters and AWESOM-O attracting a crowd]\nWoman: Wow, that's a really neat little robot you have there, little boy.\nMillie: What's he do?\nButters: Well, he can do anything. Watch this: Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Super Bowl next year?\nCartman: The New Orleans Saints. [everyone around them laughs, and the producers approach]\nBoy: Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?\nCartman: Seventeen. [everyone laughs again]\nProducer: Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?\nMitch: [strokes his chin] Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed to come up with movie ideas! [smiles]\nProducer: [looks at him intently] Exactly! [smiles]\nScene Description: Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters and AWESOM-O to his staff.\nProducer: Gentlemen, this little boy was kind enough to let us show you his robot. The AWESOM-O 4000. [approaches the robot, who's seated at one end of the table] I've already seen what it can do.\nStaffer 1: Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot.\nProducer: It's not?\nStaffer 1: No, it clearly had bipedal movement, so the correct term is \"computerized automatron.\"\nMitch: Oh, very nice, Mitch.\nStaffer 2: You are the smart one.\nProducer: Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron can help us come up with new movie ideas.\nStaffer 2: How can a robot come up with better ideas for movies than us?\nProducer: Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office?\nCartman: Um... okay. How about this: [the staffers take pen to paper and anticipate the ideas] Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a... golden retriever, or something.\nStaffer 2: [thinking over this idea, then write it down] Oh, perfect!\nStaffer 3: We'll call it \"Puppy Love\"!\nStaffer 2: Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!\nMitch: Yeah, yeah!\nStaffer 3: Let's hear it!\nMitch: Yeah, we wanna hear it!\nStaffer 3: Come on, come on!\nCartman: Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... inherits like, a billion dollars, but first, he has to, like, become a... boxer, or something.\nStaffer 3: [the producers start writing again]... Yes, it's flawless!\nMitch: Punch-Drunk Billionaire!\nScene Description: Aunt Nellie's house, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.\nButters: Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?\nCartman: You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.\nButters: Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? Haha, no! We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries.\nCartman: [growing desperate, walks around] Haaaa! Haaaa!\nButters: [concerned] You, you okay AWESOM-O?\nCartman: AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.\nButters: Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow.\nScene Description: Washington DC, the Pentagon.\nScene Description: The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers.\nGeneral: Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that we live in a time of uncertainty. The risk of an attack on American soil is higher than ever. Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk. Two days ago our intelligence department came across this.\nScene Description: He turns around and faces a wall of TV screens. His peers turn to look. He then turns the screens on. Images of AWESOM-O, taken from various angles, pop up.\nGeneral: The AWESOM-O 4000. It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies. Our sources say that in just one week it has come up with over one thousand movie ideas, eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler. [the officers murmur amongst themselves]\nBlack official: That's incredible!\nWhite official: You're thinking the robot could be used to come up with anti-Islamic movies?\nGeneral: No. If we got our hands on that robot, we could re-program it and turn it into a weapon!\nBlack official: Yes, that might be the best thing to do.\nWhite official: Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.\nScientist: Hold on a second: If that robot is designed for entertainment, then, turning it into a weapon is unethical.\nGeneral: Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand that the robot is from Japan! That means that the Japanese have more of them! And if the Japanese fabricates one of them into a weapon before we do...\nBlack official: Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again.\nWhite official: But worse. With robots.\nScientist: I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese have developed a robot with offensive capability.\nGeneral: You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! National security is our jub. [the scientist sits back down.] Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles! [zoom in] I want that robot!\nScene Description: Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.\nButters: Yeah, me and my robot are still over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor.\nScene Description: The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.\nCartman: Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut.\nProducer: Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O.\nScene Description: The other men rise and leave the room, making plans for lunch on the way out. The producer approaches Cartman.\nProducer: You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a... pleasure model?\nCartman: ...What?\nProducer: Well, have you been programmed to... satisfy... urges of humans?\nCartman: AWESOM-O does not understand.\nProducer: Let me show you what I mean. [removes his tie]\nScene Description: Catamount Pictures lobby.\nButters: Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys are real nice.\nCartman: [from the boardroom] Lame!\nButters: Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. I can't believe it either.\nScene Description: The boardroom doors burst open and AWESOM-O runs out.\nCartman: Not cool! Totally lame! [runs to his left. Butters looks over his shoulder]\nButters: AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction. [hangs up and goes after AWESOM-O.] AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go?\nScene Description: Butters looks left, then right, then goes to the right, exiting the scene. Moments later the producer shows up at the doorway with his pants down.\nCartman: Waaaaa!\nScene Description: A cattle prod appears and shocks him until he falls over. A dolly then appears and two soldiers quickly put Cartman on it and haul him off.\nSoldier: Let's go! Move, move!\nButters: [appears around the corner] AWESOM-O? [notices the soldiers] Hey, what are you doin' with him?!\nScene Description: The soldiers exit some side doors and toss him into the back of a waiting van. Butters exits the side door.\nButters: That's my robot! [the soldiers get into the van and drive off] AWESOM-OOOOOOOO!!!\nScene Description: A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O, shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman and tighten the locks on him.\nGeneral: Are those arm and leg locks secure?\nSoldier: Secure, sir!\nGeneral: Good. I don't want that robot mobile until I know what it's capable of. All right, power it on. [the scientist turns a drill on and approaches AWESOM-O]\nCartman: Whoa, whoa, wha- whoa, whoa!\nScientist: [steps back surprised] What the hell?\nGeneral: What's going on?\nScientist: [in disbelief] It... powered itself back on.\nGeneral: [whispers to a soldier to his left] Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.\nScene Description: The soldier cocks his semiautomatic and aims at Cartman.\nCartman: Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't I move?!\nScientist: Are your systems stable? Run a systems check on your CPU.\nCartman: The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!\nScientist: Ah, I'm sorry, robot, [in a low voice, almost a whisper] they want me to reprogram you.\nCartman: I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!\nScientist: What did you say?\nCartman: I said I'm a real person, asswipe!\nScientist: [stunned] ...Oh my God. [turns around and approaches the military]\nGeneral: What's happening?\nScientist: The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's developed consciousness.\nGeneral: What? How can that be?\nScientist: Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the... interlaced BV system.\nGeneral: Speak in a language we can understand, Mr. Scientist!\nScientist: Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!\nCartman: Goddamnit, get me down from here! [the military approaches him]\nGeneral: Who made you, robot?\nCartman: [enunciating] I'm not a robot, I'm a human!\nWhite official: [the military turns around] Jesus, the scientist was right.\nGeneral: But, who would have programmed it to think it was human? The movie studio?\nCartman: Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman! I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!\nGeneral: [faces Cartman] Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too.\nScientist: Sure, why not? Program the memories of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist, and make the robot think he's real! Makes for a lot better movies! I'm not reprogramming a robot that's developed consciousness!\nGeneral: Do I have to remind you of your position?! Don't forget you have a duty to your country, [draws out the next few syllables] Mr. Scientist!! I want that robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, so we can take it back to Washington! GOT IT?! [the military leaves him to his work.]\nScientist: Damn you all to hell!\nScene Description: Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidewalk alone with his head down.\nButters: [voiceover, sadly] Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend? We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away. He was my ten gigahertz old pal. My robot friend.\nButters: [realizing something] Hey, wait a minute. [sees the van that took AWESOM-O away] Why, that's the van that- [tuns towards it] Oh my God!\nScene Description: The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins to descend towards him.\nCartman: [fidgets frantically] Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!\nSoldier: It'll all be over soon, robot!\nScene Description: The scientist scratches his head, then decides to take action. He takes out a vice wrench and smacks the soldier with it, knocking him out. He turns off the drill, tosses the wrench aside and goes to AWESOM-O.\nScientist: Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot!\nCartman: Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!\nScene Description: The General and his men return, Cartman gets off the platform.\nGeneral: What the hell are you doing?!\nScientist: [turns around] Well I- I'm saving a conscious being! If you wanna kill it, you'll have to go through me!\nGeneral: Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!\nCartman: No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show you stupid assholes who I really am! [raises his helmet enough to show his eyes]\nButters: [enters] AWESOM-O!\nScene Description: The helmet quickly goes down and Cartman becomes a robot again.\nCartman: I am the AWESOM-O 4000.\nScene Description: The soldier fires one shot into the scientist, and the scientist goes down.\nButters: No! [runs up to Cartman] No, please! [hugs him] Don't kill him! He's my best friend! He's my best friend in the whole world!\nScene Description: Butters begins to sob. The military is amazed by this display of affection from a boy towards his robot.\nScientist: [still alive, looks up] There. You see? You want to tell me this isn't humanity? Who's to judge what makes something human anyway?! [pulls out his stomach] Does this make me human?! [pulls out his lung] Or this?! [pulls out his intestines] Or these?! [falls over dead]\nGeneral: [approaches AWESOM-O] Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all- [Cartman farts, Butters steps back surprised] Hey, wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart?\nButters: Hey, robots don't fart!\nCartman: Uh... now ending fart sequence.\nGeneral: Oh, and it, it smells, too!\nCartman: Smell sequence initiated.\nBlack official: A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense.\nButters: Hang on a second, here!\nScene Description: Butters reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it. The military is taken aback at what they see..\nScene Description: A portable screen is put up inside a room and the videotape of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing around like Britney Spears.\nCartman: [rapping] Would you like to touch my body? Come on and touch my body! Oooo, my hot body! Don't you like my hot body? Come on and touch my titties! I've got such nice round titties! Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size cutout of Justin Timberlake] Mmm, Justin, yeah! Touch my body! You and me! Check it out, my nice hot body! Come on, my body!\nScene Description: As the video plays, shots are shown of: the fourth graders and the kindergartners, more fourth graders and older students (including Stan, Kyle, and Kenny), Chef, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, other teachers, Butters enjoying himself immensely, the Catamount Pictures producers, the military, then of a fuming Cartman having to suffer it all as everyone laughs.\nGeneral: Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!\nCartman: Lame..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny ride down the street on their big wheels.\nStan: [stops and looks at a house] Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovan's old house. [the other boys stop and look.]\nKyle: Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago.\nCartman: I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs. [a door is heard opening]\nKyle: [points] Hey Look!\nScene Description: A young kid wearing an ornate face mask is seen peeking out the front door.\nBlanket: Hello!\nScene Description: The boys get off their bikes and approach the kid.\nKyle: Hey. Do you live here?\nBlanket: Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends?\nCartman: No.\nBlanket: I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted peace and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other a bit puzzled.\nStan: What's that you're wearing?\nBlanket: It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket.\nCartman: Your name is Blanket... Right. Well Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends, Timsy, Winky, and Nod. Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now.\nScene Description: The boys turn back to get back on to their bikes.\nBlanket: Wait! Don't you guys wanna come inside and play?\nCartman: Huh? Look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels. [they turn away.]\nBlanket: We have arcade games inside.\nScene Description: Kyle and Cartman whip around. Moments later, the boys are in the house.'\nScene Description: The Jeffersons' house inside.\nBlanket: Dad?\nStan: Whoa. Dude, no way!\nCartman: Oh my God, this is awesome! [runs up to a claw machine]\nStan: Dude, are these all your toys?\nBlanket: No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games.\nKyle: Dude, he just be loaded! What does he do?\nBlanket: He's retired now.\nCartman: [guiding the machine's arm to grab a plush toy] Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest guy in the world!\nBlanket: Come on, my dad's probably out in the backyard. [guides the other three boys out]\nScene Description: The backyard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, and other things. The boys step through the doorway.\nCartman: Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?!\nBlanket: Dad? You out here?\nMichael: Here I am, Blanket!\nScene Description: Blanket's dad, a spitting image of Michael Jackson, rides into view on a small train and waves. Every few seconds his moustache falls off and he has to put it back in place. He hops off the train and dances around\nMichael: Heeee!\nScene Description: He twirls, does a pelvic thrust while daintily touching his crotch.\nMichael: Jeh chabee durtah!\nScene Description: He pulls up his pant legs a bit, kicks his right leg up, then whips his right arm out to full length. His moustache falls off and he resets it, then runs up to Blanket and picks him up\nMichael: Blanket! Oh my beautiful Blanket!\nKyle: [softly] What's wrong with his face?\nStan: [softly] Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something.\nBlanket: Guys, this is my dad. Michael Ja-\nMichael: Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me?\nScene Description: He runs into the yard.\nMichael: Come on, let's climb the tree! [turns to a tree and scales it] Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree!\nScene Description: Michael motions for the boys to join him. They oblige and join him up there.\nMichael: Have you been up my... Wishing Tree? Tuh! It's where I come to think and dream. And now I'd like to show you my... Wishing Tree. Jam on! Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee! Imagination is the key.\nKyle: Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up.\nMichael: Won't you imagine along with me?\nKyle: Mr. Jefferson?\nScene Description: On the ground, Blanket can't even reach the bottom rung of the ladder.\nMichael: We can be spacemen, or pirates on the sea Chuckajamonah! Yes we can do everything, and I mean, everything! Chuckajamonah! Up in my Wishing Tree! Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!\nScene Description: Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the lake.\nStan: Hey, you guys! You guys! [the kids gather around] You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons!\nRed: The Jeffersons?\nCartman: [breathless] They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket and he has the coolest dad in the world! [his chest heaves noticeably]\nKyle: Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house.\nCartman: They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?! Guess. A train.\nCraig: [in a monotone voice] No way.\nCartman: Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come!\nCraig: [not wanting to be left out] I believe in Mr. Jefferson!\nScene Description: The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious swing with Bebe on his lap.\nMichael: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging!\nBlanket: Who wants the first cotton candy?\nScene Description: The kids around him begin to clamor for it.\nKids: Memememememememememe\nScene Description: Blanket hands the first cotton-candy to Kyle.\nMichael: Mememe! I'm first! I'm first!\nScene Description: Blanket steps away a bit astonished, but soon all the kids have cotton candy.\nMichael: Oooo, let's go ride the choo-choo train!\nCartman: Choo-choo train! Yay!\nScene Description: The kids begin to move towards the back yard. Blanket is left on the floor trying to stand and catch up to them.\nScene Description: The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train.\nMichael: Let's ride the train! The train!\nScene Description: The kids climb on and the train begins to roll.\nMichael: Would you like to ride the train with me, and start a magical journey?\nCartman: Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson.\nMichael: Cartman, you have a beautiful voice.\nCartman: Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.\nMichael: Let's ride and ride on the train together\nCartman: ...Train together\nMichael: On a journey through both of our minds.\nCartman: I've got time. Do youuu??\nScene Description: Back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg.\nKyle: Dude, what happened to your knee?\nBlanket: [his skinned knee is shown] I fell down.\nKyle: [calls out] Mr. Jefferson!\nMichael: [back on the train] Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games.\nCartman: Choo-choo train.\nKyle: Mr- ! Goddammit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up. [takes Blanket inside]\nScene Description: The bathroom. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet and dresses the wound.\nKyle: Alright, this is gonna sting for a second.\nScene Description: Kyle dabs some alcohol onto a towel and presses the towel onto Blanket's knee, wiping off some dirt, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.\nBlanket: Ow!\nKyle: I know, I know. Be cool.\nBlanket: Thank you. That already feels better.\nScene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.\nKyle: So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters?\nBlanket: I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now.\nScene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.\nKyle: And where is your mom?\nBlanket: I don't have a mom.\nKyle: You must have a mom.\nScene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.\nKyle: You mean she doesn't live here, or she's dead, or what?\nBlanket: No. I was made in a laboratory.\nKyle: What?\nBlanket: My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home.\nKyle: So you never met your mom?\nBlanket: No... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts.\nKyle: Yeah. Yeah, that counts.\nScene Description: The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home. Kyle seems concerned.\nCartman: Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight!\nKyle: You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid.\nCartman: You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want!\nKyle: Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one.\nCartman: Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it! [faces Kyle down] Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me god, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn you! [turns and walks away angrily]\nScene Description: Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon puts a coffee pot onto the counter.\nRandy: Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon.\nStan: I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.\nSharon: Oh, are they nice people?\nStan: Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.\nSharon: Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.\nScene Description: Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated at table for dinner. On the left are seated Sheila, Stephen, and Linda. On the right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table.\nGerald: So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky?\nMichael: Kentucky, yeah.\nRandy: I heard people saying you all were from Illinois.\nMichael: No, the- they're ignorant. That's ignorant.\nStephen: What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?\nMichael: Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals\nSheila: Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them.\nMichael: I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child.\nRandy: ...Yeeeah.\nSharon: ...They are fun. [glances back, away from the table] Boys, you okay out there?\nScene Description: The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, eating.\nStan: Fine, Mom.\nBlanket: Wow, these are great. What are they called again?\nKyle: They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat?\nBlanket: Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden.\nScene Description: The doorbell rings. Stan goes to answer the front door and sees Cartman.\nCartman: What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!\nStan: No, my parents are.\nCartman: You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away!\nStan: What?\nCartman: He is my friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were, [Stan steps back...] and I-\nScene Description: He closes the door. Stan walks away and Cartman looks through a window.\nCartman: Stan! Stan, I'm seriously! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson!\nScene Description: The dining table.\nGerald: Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today.\nRandy: Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?\nMichael: [taken aback] D'huh?\nStephen: I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance.\nMichael: I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men.\nGerald: Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous?\nMichael: Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doo-doo in their souls.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. Inside Harris waits for a fax to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine.\nHarris: Hey Sergeant, take a look at this.\nYates: [disregards the sheet] Whatcha got?\nHarris: Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money.\nYates: So, what's the problem?\nHarris: Take a look. Says here... [the sergeant takes the sheet and reviews it] He's black.\nYates: By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe.\nScene Description: He hands the sheet and the cup of coffee to the officer and address the department.\nYates: Let's go people!\nScene Description: Yates turns, takes his coat from the coat rack and puts it on\nYates: We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books!\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window.\nStan: [looks out] Kyle?\nScene Description: Stan opens the window. Michael, dressed as Peter Pan, crawls up and in.\nMichael: Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? [dances a little]\nStan: Mr. Jefferson Awww! [hops off the bed] It's 1:30 in the morning!\nMichael: Look at me, I'm Peter Pan.\nScene Description: Michael draws his small sword and swings it. His mustache falls off.\nMichael: T-shamon! I'm a little boy forever.\nScene Description: Michale raises himself up on his tippy-toes.\nMichael: Hey!\nStan: Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow!\nCartman: Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend!\nStan: He just showed up here.\nCartman: Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends. [a knock is heard at Stan's door]\nStan: Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: Stan goes to the door and finds Kyle and Blanket in the hallway.\nKyle: Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard.\nBlanket: [wearing his veil] Hi, Stan.\nKyle: He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home.\nStan: I know. He's here.\nKyle: What?!\nMichael: Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party!\nStan: No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home.\nMichael: We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared.\nBlanket: Dad says it wants to eat us.\nMichael: Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared!\nBlanket: We're scared!\nMr. Jefferson: Hee hee!\nStan: Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now!\nKyle: Come on, Blanket.\nScene Description: Kyle takes Blanket to bed. Stan follows them and all three slide into place.\nMichael: Now let's all sleep and dream Heehee! of fun and adventurous things shamonah! It's time for us all to say goodnight\nCartman: Deeper.\nScene Description: Cartman turns to Mr. Jefferson and hugs him. Stan rolls his eyes and looks at Cartman again, then closes his eyes and begins to dream...\nCartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.\nMichael: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.\nScene Description: They get closer and closer to each other.\nCartman: Yeah?\nMichael: Yeah.\nCartman: Yeah?\nMichael: Yeah.\nCartman: Yeah?\nScene Description: They're about to kiss, and Stan wakes up startled.\nStan: Ahaa!\nScene Description: Stan looks over to his right and sees them both asleep.\nMichael: [wakes up] What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream?\nStan: Yeah. A really bad dream.\nScene Description: Stan shuts his eyes and sinks down into his bed.\nStan: Oh Jesus!\nScene Description: The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, waits across the street. Harris sips on a soda.\nYates: [using his walkie-talkie] Murphy, you inside?\nMurphy: [walking through the arcade room] We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch!\nScene Description: He whips out a package of something white.\nMurphy: I'm planting the cocaine now.\nScene Description: He sets it under the toy machine Cartman was using earlier.\nYates: Johnson, what about you?\nJohnson: [in a closet] Placing the blood spatter now, sir. [right on a pair of Jefferson's shoes]\nYates: Frakes?\nFrakes: Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir.\nYates: All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to beat him. There could be neighbors with video cameras. [sighs] Why do we do it, Harris?\nHarris: Sir?\nYates: Why is it that us policemen around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit?\nHarris: Oh, why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it.\nYates: Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride.\nScene Description: Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door.\nRandy: Stan, time to get up for school. [opens the door and looks in] Stan? What the-? [sees the five people in bed] Mr. Jefferson?!\nMichael: [sits up quickly] Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party.\nScene Description: The boys sit up and look at Randy.\nRandy: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!\nMichael: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I- I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself.\nScene Description: He takes out some bills from a back pocket and approaches Randy and Sharon\nMichael: Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars. [gives each of them 100 dollar bills]\nRandy: Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting. [leaves, and Sharon watches him go]\nMichael: Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends. [quickly leaves with Blanket in tow]\nSharon: Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand?\nStan: You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak!\nCartman: Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat, hairy balls! [Stan, Kyle, and Sharon are shocked]\nScene Description: The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, but Yates is roused by the sound of a voice.\nMichael: Come on, Blanket!\nYates: Hey Har- Har- Harris! Harris!\nHarris: [walks] Wha- wha- what?\nYates: It's Jefferson! He's back! [gets on his communicator] All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home.\nScene Description: He and Harris whip out firearms and aim. Mr. Jefferson opens the front door and goes back to the front lawn to retrieve his wooden sword.\nYates: Whoa, wait a minute! [withdraws his gun] That guy isn't black!\nScene Description: Blanket heads down the steps, and Mr. Jefferson takes him inside.\nYates: Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [gets on his communicator] This is Yates! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!\nScene Description: Yates scolds Harris.\nYates: You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American!\nHarris: It says right here on the final sheet he is!\nYates: [shoves Harris's face against the windshield] Does that look like a black guy to you?!\nHarris: It said on the final sheet!\nYates: [throws a fit] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh!\nScene Description: He grabs his own neck, then quickly opens his door and vomits onto the street.\nYates: Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh.\nScene Description: Yates wipes his lips clean with the back of his hand and now looks exhausted.\nYates: Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way?\nHarris: Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it.\nYates: [whips around and says menacingly] To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I know he's black for sure!\nScene Description: Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains.\nMichael: All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore!\nScene Description: Moments later, Blanket is in his room looking outside. Across the street, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk by. Kyle looks up and notices Blanket looking bored..\nKyle: [stops] That poor kid.\nStan: Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there.\nScene Description: Kyle crosses the street anyway and Kenny shrugs. Stan and Kenny follow/\nBlanket: [opens his windows as they approach] Hi guys!\nKyle: Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with?\nBlanket: Really? You mean it?\nMichael: [interrupts, clapping] Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys!\nStan: Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us.\nMichael: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play!\nStan: Mr. Jefferson, uh, it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood.\nMichael: Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? [picks him up and moves him around through the open window] Wee, look! He can fly!\nKyle: [the boys fear for Blanket's life] Jesus Christ, dude!\nBlanket: Aaaaaah! [Mr. Jefferson dangles him around by his left foot]\nStan: Stop, you fucking lunatic! [Mr. Jefferson's moustache falls off and down to the ground, he pulls Blanket back inside and closes the window]\nKyle: Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him!\nScene Description: Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. Jefferson tries to soothe him.\nMichael: No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look.\nScene Description: Michael spins around and does a pelvic thrust.\nMichael: Jeekabee durtah! [a kick and outstretched arm] Ow!\nScene Description: Blanket returns to crying into his teddy bear, Mr. Jefferson goes to soothe him again.\nMichael: There, Blanket, shhhh. [tries to distract Blanket] Hey, hey look, hey look.\nScene Description: Michael touches Blanket's nose and has his thumb pop out between index and middle finger.\nMichael: I got your nose. [does it again.] Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See?\nScene Description: Does it again, and Blanket is quiet. He then smiles and grabs at his father's nose, giggling... and finds it in his hand.\nBlanket: Aaaaaaaah! [throws it away and runs out of his bedroom]\nMichael: No, Blanket, stop!\nScene Description: picks up his nose, puts it back in place, and pursues Blanket.\nMichael: It's ignorant. You're being ignorant!\nScene Description: Yates' house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments later.\nMaggie: Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry.\nYates: I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force.\nScene Description: Yatesremoves his jacket, and places it on a coat rack, then walks to a desk.\nMaggie: Quitting the force? You?\nYates: None of it makes sense anymore. [sits down and unloads his frustrations] I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?! And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm just damn tired.\nMaggie: [approaches and consoles him] Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yates. [he looks up at her] Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wiping that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrison Yates. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you. [she caresses him, he kisses her hand]\nYates: And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself. [abruptly rises and goes to the coat rack]\nMaggie: Where're you goin'?\nYates: Think I've got a little more work to do. [puts on his coat and heads outside]\nScene Description: The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks.\nCartman: Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember?\nScene Description: Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone.\nMichael: No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again!\nScene Description: Michael tosses his nose away, puts more lipstick on his lips.\nMichael: I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket!\nScene Description: Michael pulls at his hair, and some of it comes off.\nMichael: But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again!\nScene Description: Michael picks up a stylus and pokes his lips, which pop and let fly some collagen. The skin on his lower jaw drops down and reveals some teeth.\nMichael: Oh, I'm melting!\nScene Description: The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does.\nKyle: All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude.\nKenny: Yeah, sure, whatever.\nStan: You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe.\nKenny: Aren't I too big to be Blanket?\nKyle: [seething as he climbs the ladder] I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on! [Stan and Kenny follow]\nScene Description: Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks open.\nStan: Blanket, you in here?\nBlanket: [excited] Hi guys!\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny spread out and hop onto Blanket's bed.\nKyle: Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay? [Kenny looks around]\nBlanket: You are? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!\nScene Description: Kyle whisks Blanket away, Stan motions Kenny into place.\nStan: All right dude, get in his bed.\nKenny: [gets under the covers] All right, but you guys owe me for this.\nStan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something. [hops off and leaves]\nScene Description: Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings and he picks it up.\nSnetzl: Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl.\nScene Description: Park County Police Department, Yates' desk.\nYates: Hello, this is Sergeant Yates over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado.\nSnetzl: Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?\nYates: Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from your area. One Martin Jefferson?\nSnetzl: Hm. No, we never had any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves.\nYates: Well, he doesn't really look that black.\nSnetzl: Yeah, I don't, uh... Hold on a second. There was one we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial.\nYates: You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for?\nSnetzl: We, uhhh, found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges.\nYates: Molestation, nice.\nSnetzl: Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarrassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm!\nYates: That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine.\nSnetzl: Heh, yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure.\nYates: [rises from his chair. Other officers draw near] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy!\nScene Description: The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again.\nCartman: Mr. Jefferson, hello?!\nScene Description: The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag.\nKyle: Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us.\nScene Description: They turn towards the window next to the tub and head to it. Michael appears behind them.\nMichael: What are you doing with my Blanket?\nScene Description: The boys freeze. Kyle turns around and sees a disjointed, disheveled Jefferson in a Thriller outfit. The camera does a vertigo effect. Michael walks up to the boys.\nMichael: Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee! [an outstretched arm]\nStan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa!\nStan: Go, go, ruuun! [the boys run out of the bathroom]\nMr. Jefferson: [whispers as he walks] Sutah!\nScene Description: The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs.\nStan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa!\nMichael: [rounds a corner onto the hallway] Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!\nStan: [The boys enter Blanket's room] Oh Jesus!\nKenny: What the hell is going on, you guys?\nMichael: [enters and heads for Blanket's bed] My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! [pulls Kenny out of the bed]\nKenny: Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!\nMichael: [tossing Kenny up into the air] Wee, he can fly! He can fly!\nKenny: Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A-\nScene Description: Kenny's head goes through the ceiling and blood runs down his body. It begins to drip from his feet.\nStan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny!\nKyle: You bastard!\nScene Description: Michael turns around and sees the boys.\nMichael: Blanket? Blanket! Come play! [slowly approaches the boys]\nBlanket: Nooo! [Stan turns to leave]\nKyle: [grabs Blanket's hand and leaves as well] Come on!\nScene Description: The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and the boys exit.\nStan: Run, Blanket, Run!\nBlanket: [stumbles] Ah!\nMichael: [exits] Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh!\nKyle: [Kyle and Stan help Blanket up] Hang on, Blanket!\nScene Description: The three run off and a floodlight turns on, blinding Michael.\nMr. Jefferson: [shielding his eyes] Dugh! Heehee! Ja-!\nYates: [through his bullhorn] Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation!\nCartman: [hops to Mr. Jefferson's defense, standing in front of him] No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson! [a crowd, including the boys' parents, gathers] All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery!\nMichael: It's ignorant.\nScene Description: His lower jaw literally drops to the ground. He bends down, picks it up, and pops it back in place.\nCartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child?\nKyle: [returns with Blanket] All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit! Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up!\nMichael: [closeup for a few seconds] You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh. [genuflects behind Blanket] Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I- I wanna get a normal job and... take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.\nScene Description: Blanket removes the ornate mask, and Blanket blinks while shielding his eyes. Blanket moves over to his friends.\nBlanket: Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy.\nYates: [approaches with Harris] Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.\nKyle: All right! Things just might work out!\nMichael: Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change.\nScene Description: Music begins to play as the neighbors and officers gather around him.\nMichael: We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start, And you can change all of your evil molesting ways. Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! OOOOH! Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! Jamonah! butcha-tamonah! Chich-cha!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. There are two lanes on either side of the highway, with a grass median in between. A Snacky Cakes truck rolls by. Tumbleweeds begin to roll. A few seconds later, the highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until a sphere of energy with a doorway appears. More tumbleweeds roll by.\nScene Description: A flash of light follows, and a humanoid steps forth from the sphere. He looks around and mumbles something. He walks towards the highway, looking around all the while. A car comes up quick on him and he freezes in the headlights for a while, then jumps out of the way as a Busy Beavers Moving Company truck barrels past him. A car comes up on him on the other side of the highway. He gets up quickly and steps out of the way. Traffic picks up and the humanoid dodges all the vehicles until a car almost runs him over. The car brakes and tips him over.\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The boys approach a house, which has more snow on it than usual in South Park, especially along the windows. Indeed, it looks like the town has just had a snow storm overnight. Each of the boys carries a shovel. Stan rings the bell. A woman answers.\nWoman: Yes?\nCartman: [sweetly] Hello ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?\nWoman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?\nCartman: Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!\nWoman: How about fifteen dollars?\nCartman: It's a deal! All right, guys, let's get to work! [moments later, Stan and Kyle are clearing the driveway while Kenny clears the front lawn, moving by Cartman, who is now seated on the steps talking on a cell phone] Yeah, it's so totally awesome. Craig crapped his pants when he saw it. Yeah, sweet. So what's goin' on over there? Yeah, that's pretty cool. [Kyle walks up to him and stops] No way! He did not! Aw dude, that is so weak. [notices Kyle, then lowers the phone] What?\nKyle: You've been on your fucking phone since we started!\nCartman: Dude, I'm takin' a break.\nKyle: A break from what?! You haven't done anything!\nCartman: Kyle, how many times do we have to go through this? I'm the negotiator. I negotiate our price with the customers.\nKyle: All you ever do is talk about your balls!\nCartman: It works, doesn't it? Did I not just get us an extra five bucks?\nKyle: If you want your share of the money, then you're gonna shovel snow like the rest of us!\nCartman: Hey! Don't boss me around, you fuckin' Jew! I will kick your ass!\nScene Description: Moments later the doorbell rings again. This time the camera is in the house looking at the door from an angle. The woman approaches and opens the door. The boys are shown, with Cartman keeping his now-bloody nose from oozing any more blood.\nStan: Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages?\nWoman: Oh goodness, what happened?\nCartman: Shoveling accident.\nWoman: Oooh, no, come on inside. [leads them in and stops in the middle of the living room, in front of the TV. A newscast is on] Wait right here, I'll be right back. [walks off]\nCartman: You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder, Kyle, or I would have let you have it.\nStan: Cartman, just keep your mouth shut.\nNews Announcer: This is breaking news. Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown. [the boys turn to watch]\nAaron Brown: [CNN anchor. An image of the humanoid is shown, with the caption \"Guest from the Future\" above it] Incredible, absolutely amazing news today. A man from the future has come back in time and is in a government hospital after being hit by a car.\nStan: Whoa.\nAaron Brown: Christina Naylon has more.\nChristina Nylon: [soldiers patrol the area around Hangar 18] The news is incredible, Aaron. Experts and scientists have been with the man from the future for several hours now, and have been able to learn that he is from the year 3045. His condition is stable, and speculation continues as to why he has come. Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer? Or to fix something wrong with the past?\nAaron Brown: Have to interrupt you there, Christina. Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the base with breaking news. Brad?\nBrad Morgan: [inside the base. Scientists and soldiers mill around the alien's bed] Aaron, the scientists have been able to communicate further and have uncovered that the man from one thousand years in the future has come to our time... looking for work. Uh, he has said that the future is so overwhelmingly overpopulated that there are simply no jobs in his time, and so he built a time portal and has come back to 21st century America, uh, to find a job here.\nAaron Brown: Heheh, it's absolutely astounding. He came back here for work?\nBrad Morgan: Huh... that's right, Aaron. Hi- his plan is to get a job here, in our time, so that he can put the money he earns into a savings account, uh, which will earn interest, and by the year 3045 be worth billions of dollars, uh which of course in the future will be worth only hundreds of dollars, but uh, enough, he says, to feed his family.\nAaron Brown: And now I understand we're going to Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation on how the time portal works. Harrison?\nHarrison Moore: [at the time portal. News vans, reporters and scientists, one in a space suit, gather around and marvel at the portal] Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules. That is, it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast, say, to Back To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider rules, which are just plain silly. Anyway, it appears that the man from the future is here to stay.\nScene Description: Later, Stan returns home. He enters with his shovel.\nStan: Mom, Dad! Did you see? They found a man from the future!\nRandy: We know, Stanley. We've been watching.\nAaron Brown: If you're just joining us, a man from over two thousand years into the future has come through a one-way time portal looking for work. Uh, the President is expected to give an announcement at any time.\nHarrison Moore: Breaking news here at the time portal, Aaron. It appears that another person from the future has just arrived! [the camera pans right to show a HazMat team checking the person for radiation] It looks as if the job at Wendy's did work for the original immigrant; this second arrivee claims that man's family is now much better off, and wishes the same for his family.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon puts Stan to bed and tucks him in.\nSharon: There you go. All set, sweetie?\nStan: Mom, can we go try to see the people from the future? I have a bunch of questions I wanna ask 'em.\nSharon: I'm sure a lot of people do, hon. It's pretty exciting, isn't it? Now, you just get some sleep. [turns off Stan's lamp] You've had a busy day. [walks off. At the door she turns and looks at him] Goodnight, sweetie.\nStan: Night, Mom. [after she leaves, he puts his arms up and behind his head and smiles] Wow, two people from the future. How cool.\nScene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until it reaches the portal. A flash of light follows, and an humanoid steps forth from the sphere. Another flash brings forth another humanoid. Another flash brings forth a third humanoid. Another flash brings forth his wife, another flash brings forth their daughter, and another flash brings forth their son. Another flash brings forth another humanoid. They head for the highway, which is busy now. They all make their way across, avoiding being struck as they cross the lanes.\nScene Description: South Park, day. The boys once again make their rounds as shovelers and stop at a house. Stan rings the doorbell, the door opens, and a different woman greets them.\nMrs. Landis: Yes?\nStan: Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like snow-shoveling service again today?\nMrs. Landis: Ooh, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've already hired someone else to do it.\nCartman: What?! Who?!\nMrs. Landis: One of those immigrants from the future. He said he would do it for twenty-five cents.\nKyle: Twenty-five cents? Well that's not even worth it.\nStan: All right guys, come on. Let's go to the next house. [the boys turn to go back to the sidewalk...]\nKyle: Dude. [the camera pulls back to show these immigrants shoveling snow off sidewalks and driveways up and down the street]\nStan: Son of a bitch!\nScene Description: CNN News Brief. An image of a family from the future is shown, with the caption above reading \"Time Immigrants\".\nAaron Brown: Still more immigrants from the future arrived at the time border today, some even bringing their entire families. the purplish goo that they have on their bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic side effect of the time-travel process. This is all giving scientists a great opportunity to learn even more about American life in the future. Chris Holt joins us now. Chris?\nChris Holt: [seated to Brown's left] Yes, there are incredible things we're learning about Americans in the future, Aaron. I- it appears that in the future, Americans have evolved into a hairless uniform mix of all races. They are all one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish whitish color. Uh, it seems race is no longer an issue in the future, because all ethnicities have mixed into one. Perhaps most interesting is how this has affected their language. The people in the future speak a complete mix of English, Chinese, Turkish and, indeed, all world languages, which sounds something like this: [makes three guttural sounds] Back to you, Aaron.\nAaron Brown: Apparently the people from the future are having a pretty easy time finding work. Since they offer to work for such low wages, they're being hired all over America.\nScene Description: A meeting has assembled somewhere. Two flags hang from the back of the meeting room, one of them American, the other of Colorado. Men from all walks of life argue amongst themselves.\nMan 1: [left side, front row] This is bullcrap! I ain't standin' for this!\nDarryl Weathers: [at the podium] All right, folks, my name is Darryl Weathers and I'm with the Construction Workers' Union. I work with a lot of fine men who have families to feed. Now, I don't know about you all, but we worked long and hard to get our pay up to a level where we could make a decent living. And now these people from the future are showin' up and offerin' to do the same work for next to nothin'! They took our jobs! [the audience, which is unemployed, clamors in agreement]\nMan 2: [rises, wears dark blue short-sleeve shirt, black pants] We're in the moving business! Fourteen years we've been workin' our butts off! Now these future folk come in and we can't get work nowhere! They took our jobs!\nMan 3: They took your jobs! [the rest of the audience clamors]\nMan 4: Well what about us in the fast-food business?! The restaurants are firing us 'cause the future people work for a lot less! They took our jobs!\nOther men: [at random times] They took your jobs!\nStan: [pipes up] It's affecting kids too! Me and my friends started our own snow-shoveling business. We were trying to be responsible and make money, you know? But then the people came along and, and now we're out of work too! [silence] Oh, they took our jobs!\nOther men: [at random times] They took yer jobs!\nScene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign is shown, but the camera pulls back to show a new CAUTION sign showing an entire family crossing. The signs begin to sway back and forth violently and crackle with lightning. The portal is shown, but now it expands so the people from the future swarm into the present en masse.\nScene Description: South Park, night. At Stan's house, Randy and Sharon are at the sofa reading. Sharon reads a book, Randy reads the paper. Stan enters from the front. Sharon spots him.\nSharon: Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock. Where have you been?\nStan: I was at a rally to protest all the immigrants from the future coming in and tryin' to- [an immigrant descends the stairs with a basket of dirty clothes and stops to ask Sharon something using guttural sounds]\nSharon: Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in the basement and our son is home. Could you please set the table for dinner? [the immigrant makes some guttural sounds and walks away]\nStan: [leery] Who is that?\nRandy: That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. Gruhd. She's gonna help around the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. [aside] And she'll do it for ten cents an hour.\nStan: Oh, but that's the problem! Those goobacks are taking our jobs!\nSharon: What?!\nRandy: Oh my God! [he and Sharon rise, Stan backs away a bit] Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur?!\nSharon: Who taught you to talk like that?!\nStan: Well dude, they are taking people's jobs away.\nRandy: They're only taking the small menial jobs that nobody else really wants to do.\nStan: I wanted my job!\nRandy: Hey, Stanley, you need to understand something: Those people from the future have had a hard life! Where they come from is dirty and overpopulated and poor! You can't even imagine the kind of depression they come from! So, for us, who have everything sooo good, to judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?! Next time you think about calling them goobacks, you might just wanna stop for a second and think about how crappy the future really is!\nSharon: That's right! We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist.\nStan: Timecist?\nSharon: You know, a racist, but against people from the-\nStan: People from the future. Right, got it.\nRandy: All right, good. Now, let's all go eat some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking.\nScene Description: The O'Reilly Factor.\nAnnouncer: And now, here is Bill O'Reilly.\nBill O'Reilly: Welcome, welcome to the No-Spin Zone, all right? And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future. All right? Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it. All right? But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off. All right? Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter. On my right is pissed-off, white-trash, redneck conservative.\nDarryl Weathers: Thanks for having me, Bill.\nBill O'Reilly: And on my left is aging, hippie, liberal douche.\nDouche: Hello.\nBill O'Reilly: Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, all right?\nDarryl Weathers: You're Goddamned right! These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans! [leans in and low and almost grunts] They took our jobs!\nSkynard Man: They took our jobs!\nDarryl Weathers: Those jobs belong to people from the present!\nBill O'Reilly: All right. What say you, aging hippie liberal douche?\nDouche: Heh, it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America. It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty. Your ancestors came to America as immigrants. What right do you have to turn these people away?\nBill O'Reilly: All right, redneck, your rebuttal?\nDarryl Weathers: [says nothing, then rises, leans forward and low, and almost grunts] They took our jobs!!\nSkynard man: They took our jobs!\nStout man: [really slurring] Too-kourderb!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings and the students are in their seats. So are a lot of new immigrant students.\nHerbert Garrison: All right, children, the school board has mandated that I must now teach class in both present-day English and Futurespeak.\nKyle: What?!\nHerbert Garrison: So, with that in mind, let's continue our lessons on verbs. Remember that there are transitive verbs such as [writes on the board] \"The boy threw the red ball,\" which in Futurespeak of course, is [makes a sentence of grunts and guttural sounds] Everyone say it with me? [the kids repeat the sentence, which sounds like a series of barks, coming from them. Jimmy attempts it] Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as [writes on the board] \"The 11:15 bus from Denver arrived twelve hours late.\" Or in Futurespeak, \"Vvut.\"\nThe kids: \"Vvut.\"\nKyle: Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap! If they wanna live in our time, then they should learn our language!\nCraig: Yeah!\nStan: That's right! [other students speak up]\nAging hippie liberal douche: [steps in] Hey now, these immigrants have a right to retain their culture. Who are we to say our language is best? They deserve to have an education just as much as you do.\nHerbert Garrison: Thank you, aging, hippie, liberal douche.\nAging hippie liberal douche: You betcha. [steps out]\nTimmy: Timmih.\nHerbert Garrison: Okay, now let's get back to it, kids. What kind of verb is this? [writes on the board] \"The sad girl puts balls in her mouth.\" Or, in Futurespeak of course, \"Gluch gligh balls glych gligh.\"\nScene Description: Back at the meeting room, the unemployed men gather for another rally against the immigrants from the future.\nMan 5: This is bullcrap!\nDarryl Weathers: Listen up, everybody! We've just received a reply from our congressman. [unfurls a letter] \"Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs. However, we feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane.\"\nChet: What? That's ridiculous!\nMan 6: They can't do that!\nMan 7: That was a good idea!\nDarryl Weathers: So it appears the government ain't gonna help us! Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands! The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening!\nMan 8: Hey, that's right! If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs!\nMan 9: Take r jurbs\nDarryl Weathers: All right! So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening?\nChet: How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and it ushers in a new ice age?\nDarryl Weathers: [pause] How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?!\nChet: Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'?\nDarryl Weathers: Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you know that?! Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen! You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like?\nChet: Well I was just tryin' to be helpful.\nDarryl Weathers: Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin' retard! Now, come on people, we've got to think! Damnit, they took our jaorbs!\nMany men: [randomly] They took our jobs!\nScene Description: South Park, day. The boys walk down the commercial district noticing immigrants from time to time. Various immigrants greet them and try to sell them fruits, but the boys walk on. A hovering futuristic car comes up next to them, sets down, and bounces the front end up and down like a lowrider. The driver then activates the hydraulics and the car begins to dance. The boys just look in wonder as the car settles down and then moves off. Its exhaust hits the boys' faces and they cough. Next, the boys head for a Wendell's Burgers restaurant. They enter and head for the counter.\nKyle: Aw, dude.\nScene Description: The boys see that the restaurant is staffed by immigrants from the future. One of them approaches to take an order.\nCashier: Gaur da'ka?\nStan: Can you speak in present-day English please?\nCashier: Uh oh... Can I help... you?\nStan: Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries.\nCashier: [looks at the boys quizzically, then shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich?\nStan: [getting annoyed] No, a double cheeseburger and fries!\nCashier: [taps away at the machine's keyboard] A cheeg- fry?\nStan: What?!\nCashier: A cheeg- fry?\nCartman: We can't understand you, asshole! [the cashier's manager comes up and talks to him for a bit. The cashier points at the boys. The manager takes over and resets the order]\nManager: Can I help you?\nStan: I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!\nManager: [shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich?\nStan: No, it's not a chicken sandwich! [his parents enter the restaurant and stand in line behind him and the boys] I want a goddamned cheeseburger and some goddamned fries you fucking goobacks!\nRandy: Stan Marsh!\nStan: Aw- awwww!\nScene Description: Back at the rally...\nDarryl Weathers: Come on, people, think! How are we gonna stop these immigrants from takin' our jobs!\nMan 10: Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should all take off all our clothes, scramble into a big pile and start gettin' gay with each other.\nChet: Did you say \"get gay\"?\nDarryl Weathers: Hey, yeah. Well that's not a bad idea!\nMan 11: What? Gettin' gay?\nDarryl Weathers: Think about it: These people are from the future, right? Well, if we can git everyone to turn queer, then there won't be no children to have no children, and the people from the future won't exist to take our jobs!\nJimbo Kern: I ain't turnin' queer.\nDarryl Weathers: You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't be able to stop them! They took 'r jaobs!\nMan 2: Yeah, they took our jobs!\nMan 8: [slurring] Took our jobs!\nDarryl Weathers: [begins to take off his clothes till he's in briefs and boots] Let's go over to that part of town that all the future people moved into and start humpin' each other until they disappear! Come on! [comes down from the podium and makes his way to the doors. His briefs fall off, and he turns around] Come on! You want your jobs back or not?! [turns around, walks out and turns right]\nScene Description: Welcome to Little Future. This part of South Park is congested and built upwards. Parts of it are rundown. The drivers there all drive hovercars. Some kids dance around on a stoop as adults walk by.\nDarryl Weathers: [appears with the other rally participants, all of them naked] All right, you future bastards! Think you can take our jubs?! Well, we'll show you! Come'ere, Earl!. [the burly man wearing the Skynard hat steps forth and starts making out with Weathers] How do you like that, gooback?! [the immigrants just stare back puzzled. Weathers addresses the rest of his peers] Come on, you guys! [the other men just stare for a while, then begin to make out as well. The immigrants just look at them.] Everyone who believes in America, join in with us! We're gonna make these future bastards nonexistent!\nScene Description: South Park Center for Seismic Activity. Randy arrives for work with Stan in tow.\nStan: Aw, come on, Dad! How come I have to go to work with you?\nRandy: Because you're being grounded, Stanley! Now I don't wanna hear another word out of your intolerant mouth! [Randy opens the door and they both go inside. The office walls are now brown instead of gray. Randy closes the door and motions Stanley to a chair behind it] You just sit right there, Stanley, and you think about what you've done! [puts his coat on the coat rack and sits at his desk to begin his day]\nBoss: You'll find all the copiers and printers in the next room over and then uh-\nRandy: Hey, Mr. Nelson.\nMr. Nelson: Oh... R- Randy... Uh, I'm surprised to see you here.\nRandy: Why? This is my office.\nMr. Nelson: Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message? Ooh, this is awkward. Well, the thing is, Randy, you've been- replaced.\nRandy: What?\nMr. Nelson: Well we found an immigrant from the future who knows geology and he offered to work for next to nothing. Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk.\nMr. Glughgogawk: Gheglo.\nRandy: You can't be serious.\nMr. Nelson: I'm... sorry, Randy. It's just, with all the budget cuts and all, we'll give you some time to clean out your desk. Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk. I'll show you to the copy room. [walks away with the immigrant. Randy is left alone to contemplate his next move]\nRandy: Oh my God. They took my jarb!!\nStan: They took yer jarb!!\nScene Description: CNN Breaking News.\nAnnouncer: This is CNN.\nAaron Brown: Breaking news at the time border. We go now live to Harrison Moore.\nHarrison Moore: Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where some kind of mass protest has broken out. [more immigrants enter through the portal] Hundreds of men who have lost their jobs to time immigrants are here having sex with one another. [a shot of all the men in a big pile, in all sorts of positions, as news crews film them] These men have apparently sucked and screwed their way across the state and are now here at the time border trying to get national attention. These unemployed men have been having sex for several days. Joining me is their spokesperson, Randy Marsh. [Randy steps into view, patting his moustache down] Mr. Marsh, what exactly are you trying to accomplish?\nRandy: We're doing the only thing we can do. If our government is just gonna let anybody into our time who wants to come, then we have to take matters into our own hands. [another camera view shows Stan next to his father. Stan tries to block out this interview with eyes shut tight and his fingers on his nose] We're trying to turn everyone gay so that there are no future humans! Present-day America Number One!\nDarryl Weathers: Yeah America! [A close-up of the mass of men fornicating with each other]\nMan 8: Take our jobs!\nHarrison Moore: Do you really think you can get enough people to turn gay to destroy the future of humanity?\nRandy: All we can do is try, Harrison.\nAging hippie liberal douche: [walks into the picture] Trying to stop immigration is intolerant and ignorant. Those immigrants have a right to pursue happiness.\nHarrison Moore: [lowers the mic to Stan] Young man, what do you think about all this?\nStan: I think it's wrong to call them goobacks because they're no different from us. [loosens up and opens his eyes] They're just humans trying to make their lives better. Look, it sucks that the immigrants' time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too. Maybe the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the future better. [the mound of men stops copulating]\nMan 9: [at the top of the mound] Huh?\nStan: I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants won't need to come back here looking for work.\nMan 11: [inside the mound] Hey. He's right. If we build for a better future, the immigrants will stay there.\nMan 12: Yeah. We've got to start working towards a brighter tomorrow.\nRandy: Well what are we waiting for?\nScene Description: Montage of green living. First scene is a group of men planting trees. Next scene is a group of people at a recycling center watching Mr. Garrison toss in his bag of spent aluminum cans. Mr. Slave then tosses in his load.\nScene Description: Next scene has the boys, Randy, and Weathers bringing food to African tribesmen. Next scene has the boys helping Randy and Weathers paint a wooden fence white. Next scene is a newly-minted wind farm in South Park made by the townspeople.\nScene Description: Stan and Shelly look at each other, smiling. Next scene has Weathers plugging his electric car into an outlet next to the garage door as others watch. Next scene has Stan bringing a gift to the towm bum. A bunch of adults follow him proudly. Next scene has some of the kids and many of the adults swaying gently to some music.\nSinger: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you and me. We can start to make a difference if we want it for our children Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins with you and me.\nCartman: Look, it's working! [one by one, the immigrants vanish from view]\nSinger: The future begins with you and me.\nDarryl Weathers: The immigrants are fadin' away!\nStan: We're doing it!\nScene Description: Next scene shows the townsfolk cleaning up a meadow. Next scene has the Marshes watching Weathers and an assistant install solar panels on the Marshes' roof. Last scene has the townsfolk tilling ground at a farm.\nSinger: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future-\nStan: Dude, wait, wait, ho- hold on. Wait a second. [drops his shovel] This is gay.\nKyle: [drops his shovel] This is really gay.\nCartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other.\nStan: Okay, sorry, my bad, everyone back in the pile. [everyone races back to the pile. The men take off their clothes]\nDarryl Weathers: Back in the pile everyone!\nRandy: We're going back to the pile.\nMan 13: Jump in!\nMan 14: Come on, everybody!\nMan 15: Never mind, we're going back to the pile!\nMan 16: Took yer jurb!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a Pep Rally '04.\nCheerleaders: We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight, fight, fight! Nobody can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park![in the audience, Cartman yawns.]\nRed: Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit?\nStudents: [all grades] Moooooooo!\nBebe: I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy?\nMandy: [new fourth grader, with braces that makes her speak with a lisp] Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week!\nBebe: Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going! [an adult in a cow suit comes out, waves to the kids, then begins to dance.]\nButters: It's Mooey! Mooey, wave to me! Wave to me, Mooey!\nCartman: Butters, shut the hell up! [As Mooey dances, PETA bursts in through the double doors and rushes towards the cheerleaders. They apprehend Mooey and begin beating him up, then pulling his head off]\nBlonde PETA woman: [through her megaphone] We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot!\nHerbert Garrison: Oh, Jesus, not PETA again.\nDreadlocked PETA Man: [approaches Bebe] Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity! [throws a bucket of real blood on Bebe. Other PETA members go after the rest of the cheerleaders]\nBlonde PETA woman: [showing old slaughterhouse scenes on how to prepare beef] This is the fate of the cow! This is your insensitivity!\nStudents: Ewww! [a kindergartner begins to cry]\nGas Mask PETA Member: The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong!\nHerbert Garrison: All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot.\nClass: Awwwwwwww!\nStan: But, Mr. Garrison, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-terrorists win!\nHerbert Garrison: That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win. [approaches the students with a stack of papers and begins distributing it] Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet. Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot.\nClyde: But we like being the Cows! [a bucket of real blood is doused on him and the rest of the class gasps.]\nDreadlocked PETA man: You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions!\nHerbert Garrison: [taking action] Ge-get outta here, PETA! We're changin' the mascot already!\nDreadlocked PETA man: Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves?!\nHerbert Garrison: [throws some papers at the PETA member] Oh, ge-get outta here! [breaks out a can of mace and sprays it on him] Ge-get out! [the man leaves] Jesus, where do they keep coming from?! [sprays some more for effect] Go on, get outta here.\nStan: This is bullcrap, dude!\nHerbert Garrison: Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians...\nWendy: But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive?\nHerbert Garrison: No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people.\nScene Description: The school hallway.\nCartman: Goddammit, vegans piss me off! Now we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.\nKyle: Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can, to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in \"Giant Douche.\"\nCartman: Ye-heah!\nKenny: (Yeah, totally awesome!)\nCartman: Yeh- no, no, wait, wait. I got a better idea you guys. What we should do is we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in \"Turd Sandwich.\"\nKyle: Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche.\nCartman: Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys? Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be so funny!\nKyle: It was my idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in \"Giant Douche!\" It's way funnier!\nCartman: It is not!\nKyle: Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich?\nKenny: (Giant douche.)\nCartman: Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week.\nKyle: Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich?\nStan: Dude, I really don't care. [walks away]\nKyle: [tallies the votes. Behind him, Butters approaches his locker and prepares to open it] That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche.\nCartman:: [notices, then runs to Butters and pulls him towards the other boys] ...Wait, wait, what about Butters?\nButters: Huh?\nKyle: You hate Butters.\nCartman: Goddammit, you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion! Butters, which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich?\nButters: Hahaha, a turd sandwich!\nKyle: You misled him, fatass!\nCartman: It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it.\nButters: [crosses his arms] Yeah! ...What's this for? [the boys approach Jimmy]\nKyle: Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny, and you have to tell us which one would be funnier.\nJimmy: That's a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s-staying power. Uh, tell me the first mascot idea.\nKyle: A giant douche.\nJimmy: Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second?\nCartman: A turd sandwich.\nJimmy: Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds. [ten seconds pass] Okay now, t-tell me the first one again?\nKyle: Giant douche.\nJimmy: [snickers] And the second?\nCartman: Turd sandwich.\nJimmy: [snickers] Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas. Better give it another ten seconds.[ten seconds pass] All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one?\nKyle: A giant douche.\nJimmy: [snickers] Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?\nCartman: Turd sandwich.\nJimmy: [snickers] Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics. But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire.\nCartman: Awwwww!\nButters: Ohhh, we lost?\nKyle: All right, it's decided. Let's all write in \"Giant Douche.\"\nCartman: Okay. You win, Kyle.\nScene Description: The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers. Herbert Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally earlier, and the TV reads \"New School Mascot '04\".\nHerbert Garrison: Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche. [a giant douche steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to 2 Unlimited's \"Get ready for this.\"]\nKyle, Kenny: Go, giant douche!\nGiant Douche: Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit?! [a smattering of applause] We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches! [a smaller smattering of applause]\nHerbert Garrison: And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich. [a turd sandwich steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to Baha Men's \"Who Let The Dogs Out?\"]\nCartman: All right turd sandwich!\nButters: Yeah!\nKyle: Cartman? What the hell?!\nCartman: Giant Douche sucks!\nTurd Sandwich: We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh! [a smattering of applause]\nHerbert Garrison: Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich. We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.\nKyle: You won't get more votes than us, asshole!\nCartman: Game on, Jew-boy!\nButters: Yeah, game on, Jew-boy! [looks at Cartman, smiles, and looks back at Kyle]\nScene Description: The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance and hand out buttons as the other kids come out.\nKyle: Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.\nKenny: (Giant Douche! Vote for him!)\nKyle: Giant Douche is your man!\nStan: [exiting] Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot?\nKyle: Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich. [something like an ice cream truck is heard, and Cartman appears driving his Big Wheels bike, pulling a portable stage. Butters is dancing on the stage, dressed as a Hawaiian hula dancer. In his hands he has leis to hand out.]\nCartman: Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives. [Butters begins tossing out the leis, and kids step forth to get them. A man shows up as well, but gets nothing] Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for tomorrow!\nKyle: There. Do you really want that asshole to win?\nStan: I'm not voting!\nKyle: What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die?!\nStan: I just think this whole thing is stupid! [walks off angrily]\nKyle: Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table, with Marvin at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in with plates and the main course.\nSharon: How was school today, Stanley?\nStan: It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.\nSharon: ...What did you say?\nRandy: Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?\nStan: No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point.\nRandy: [clenches his fists] You don't see the point! Oh, you young people just make me sick!\nSharon: Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?!\nStan: Mom, I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care.\nRandy: [jumps upright and plants his hands on the table] You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?!\nSharon: Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms.\nRandy: You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean!\nSharon: It's sexist, is what it is!\nRandy: You don't understand the issues, Sharon!\nSharon: Are you calling me ignorant?!\nRandy: You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein!\nSharon: I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch! [picks up the casserole and chucks it at Randy, who ducks and looks back at her angrily. They both leave the table in opposite directions.]\nShelly: [leaving the table as well] I hate this family, I hate it! [Stan looks on, shocked, while Marvin continues eating unruffled. The door bell rings. Stan leaves the table and opens the front door. A black man is outside... with his posse]\nStan: Puff Daddy?\nPuff Daddy: Your friend Kyle told me you don't understand the importance of voting.\nStan: I...\nPuff Daddy: Apparently, you haven't heard of my \"Vote or Die\" campaign. [holds up a shirt with the slogan on it]\nStan: \"Vote or Die\"? [upset] What the hell does that even mean?!\nPuff Daddy: [whips out a gun from his back pocket, cocks it, and aims it at Stan] What you think it means, bitch!\nStan: Aaaah!\nScene Description: Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car pops up behind him and bears down on him.\nPosse: Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!.\nPuff Daddy: Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye..\nPosse: Democracy is founded on one simple rule!\nScene Description: Overhead shot of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in a black suit.\nPuff Daddy: Get out there and vote or I will motherfucking kill you.Yeah.\nScene Description: At a polling station encouraging one female voter.\nPuff Daddy: I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) [seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face] I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof) [gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote] Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth. [Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his gun into the camera] I said vote, bitch, or I'll fucking kill you!\nScene Description: Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings. He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find him.\nPosse: Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!\nPuff Daddy: You can't run from a .38, go ahead and try!\nScene Description: Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying \"DIDDY\"\nPosse: Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice\nScene Description: Raps to a chrome reflection.\nPuff Daddy: 'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a fucking voice [Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a gun in his face]\nPuff Daddy: Vote or die! Vote or die! [Puff Daddy's gun is joined by the guns of his posse. Stan is looking at five barrels]\nStan: ...Okay. I'll vote.\nScene Description: Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman knocks on a door and Clyde answers.\nClyde: What do you guys want?\nCartman: We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot.\nClyde: I haven't decided yet.\nCartman: Oh really? Well, that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision. [pulls out a wrapped hard candy and shows it] Butterscotch candy?\nClyde: [reaches out and grabs it] Sure. [opens it]\nCartman: Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school?\nButters: A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first sandwich. [Clyde bites into the candy, producing loud crunches]\nCartman: You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package. The turd and the bread. And the lettuce, and the olives.\nButters: Whe-where as Giant Douche is just, well, ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.\nCartman: So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?\nClyde: [finishes the candy, then thinks for a few seconds] I'm still not totally sure.\nCartman: Well then, perhaps we could interest you in [pulls out another wrapped candy] another butterscotch candy? [Clyde takes the candy and consumes that one as well]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A \"Vote for School Mascot!\" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant Stan takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on his side.\nKyle: You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now?\nStan: I guess... [P Diddy and his posse look on from one end of the polling station, with P cocking his gun]\nKyle: Look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count, and we all have to do our part.\nStan: Okay. [finishes up and seals his ballot, then walks away]\nKyle: Woah... wait, what are you doing?\nStan: I'm voting.\nKyle: No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich.\nStan: Yeah, I know.\nKyle: ...Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche.\nStan: [annoyed] I thought I was supposed to make my own decision.\nKyle: Well yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you?!\nStan: Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote, you wanted me to vote for your guy!\nKyle: Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?! [calls out to] Puffy!\nCartman: [interrupts] Hey, fuck off, Kyle. [aside, about Puffy and his crew] Don't let them intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk you to the booth. And then I'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings.\nStan: Oh, forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna be threatened into voting if I don't feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna vote and you can all just live with it!\nScene Description: The Principal's Office, later.\nPrincipal Victoria: We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't appear to be important to him.\nRandy: Stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote!\nStan: The whole thing is a joke!\nSharon: You see? He's out of control. It's nearly torn our whole family apart.\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. He must be removed.\nRandy: Oh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just got yourself suspended!\nPrincipal Victoria: No, I'm afraid it's worse than that. By county law I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible.\nRandy: Expulsion?!\nPrincipal Victoria: No. Banishment.\nStan: B-bani-banishment?\nPrincipal Victoria: You can appeal to the city council, but I don't think it'll do any good. Your son must leave South Park, never to return.\nSharon: [goes over to Randy and cries into his chest] Oh, Randy!\nRandy: Our son, banished! Where did we go wrong?! [cries on Sharon's shoulder]\nStan: You-you're all joking, right?\nScene Description: A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone. A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street.\nMayor McDaniels: [steps forth and reads a proclamation] As it was in the times of our forefathers, so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity. Or until you decide that voting is important. Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you more kindly than we did. [the townsfolk step forth and begin ripping away at Stan's coat and shirt. Herbert Garrison is first: he rips off a piece of Stan's coat, spits on it, and throws it back at Stan. He leaves and Officer Barbady steps forth, repeating what Herbert Garrison did. Craig follows suit, then Kyle steps up]\nKyle: Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? Is it really that big a deal? [Stan sighs, but says nothing more in response] Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche.\nStan: I'm not voting! [Kyle then steps forth and repeats what the others did before him]\nA bodyguard: Yo, Puffy man, are we just gonna let this happen? [cocks his weapon] We've gots to kill this non-votin' fool!\nPuff Daddy: No, Justacious, let him go. He won't survive a fore-night in the wilderness. [the adults tie Stan up on the horse backwards and send him off with supplies to tide him over for a while]\nRandy: This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan. She couldn't even help tie you to the horse.\nStan: Dad, isn't this a little extreme?\nRandy: Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is. [puts a pail over Stan's head] Goodbye, Son. [stops for a few seconds, then swats the horse to get it moving. The horse walks off slowly. Stephen Stotch steps up with a horn and blows into it. Randy and Sharon stand together, embracing shoulders] That's... one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do.\nScene Description: A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group of people appear and spot him\nBearded PETA member: Look! What is that?\nBlonde PETA member 2: Oh, the poor thing!\nStan: Hello? [the people gather round and remove the pail]\nBlonde PETA member 2: Don't worry, we'll free you.\nBearded PETA member: Just sit still for a moment.\nStan: Oh, thank God.\nBearded PETA member: Get offa him, you filthy human! [they throw Stan off the horse. The pail rolls away. Stan looks back, confused, tufts of hair popping out through the holes on his torn cap. The people were apparently talking to the horse, not to him. The camera goes back to the horse, and the people are shown to be members of PETA. They're cleaning the horse up]\nBlonde PETA member 2: Poor thing needs water.\nBearded PETA member: You're safe now.\nBlonde PETA member 2: Shame on you, making this horse your slave. [a balding man throws real blood on Stan]\nStan: Awww!\nBlonde PETA member 2: Come, you can live with us.\nBearded PETA member: We will give you food and shelter.\nStan: What about me?\nBearded PETA member: Open the gate! [A pair of gates open up to the PETA compound. The members lead the horse in and Stan trails along. They approach whom looks to be the leader of the compound. The compound itself has all kinds of animals - it's an animal sanctuary]\nBlonde PETA member: [presenting the horse]This poor creature is in need of food and water.\nBalding man: [strokes the horse's mane] You have a home here, friend.\nBearded PETA member: The... kid wants to stay, too.\nStan: I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna ride it.\nBalding man: I don't know if you can stay. We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come. [they walk among the animals. Stan looks around and takes it all in.] We don't normally allow outsiders. See, here we live in harmony with animals. They're not our pets but our fellow living beings. We work with the animals and try to live as they do. [stops, lowers his pants, and shits onto the ground. Stan looks on astonishment, then walks around the pile of shit as the man pulls his pants back up and walks on.] We make friends with the animals. We coexist, and we... intermarry. [approaches a llama and puts his arm around her neck] This is my wife, Janice. [Stan looks on quizzically] The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries. [he turns to the llama, has her face him, and starts kissing her. Stan just gawks at the pair]\nStan: Wow, you guys really love animals.\nBalding man: [moves on to a man and a chicken] And why not? Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now. [moves on to another man and an ostrich] And Gary and Sally here have just managed to have a child together. [in a manger is an ostrich-baby, somewhat humanoid with an ostrich beak]\nOstrich-baby: Kill me...\nBalding man: Yes, life here is good and natural. But now that you know where our compound is, you'll either have to live with us, or be murdered. [they stop before a tent]\nStan: I'll live with you.\nBalding man: It's not up to you. You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis. [Stan pauses at the tent's entrance, then enters and approaches a goat, which is munching on hay. The goat stops and looks at Stan, then resumes eating. Stan exits the tent] What did he say?\nStan: He said I can stay.\nBalding man: Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his year. Here's your PETA shirt and a bumper sticker. [Stan looks at his new stuff]\nScene Description: SP Public Access Presents: Debate 2004.\nAnnouncer: This is Debate 2004 with your host, Jim Lehrer.\nJim Lehrer: Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche [screen left] and a turd sandwich [screen right] We'll start with Giant Douche. Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a... giant douche represent them. What do you say to those people?\nGiant Douche: Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming.\nCartman: Aww, suck-up, suck-up! [a man behind him and to his right leans over and shushes him] What?! That's an obvious suck-up move.\nGiant Douche: But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich\nTurd Sandwich: [leaning forward] You're a turd sandwich.\nGiant Douche: ... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich.\nTurd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich.\nGiant Douche: ... Sir, you are a turd sandwich.\nTurd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich.\nJim Lehrer: Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn.\nTurd Sandwich: I-I'm sorry, Jim.\nGiant Douche: Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, I-I forgot what I was saying.\nTurd Sandwich: Ha. What a douche.\nJim Lehrer: All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you. How should South Park Elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events.\nTurd Sandwich: [long pause] ...Uh, you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. [Giant Douche just looks at him] He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzze-. [the buzzer sounds over his last two words.]\nJim Lehrer: Your time is up, Turd.\nScene Description: The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day. The bald man approaches.\nBalding man: Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Teresa. [the camera pans down to show a lamb with small horns] She seems to have taken a liking to you. [suggestively] And she's ovulating.\nStan: Ahh, no thanks, that's okay.\nBalding man: Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals.\nStan: I do love animals, just ...not like you guys do.\nBalding man: You... don't belong here, Stan. You should return home.\nStan: I can't. I was banished for not voting.\nBalding man: But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna vote?\nStan: I think voting is great. I just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.\nBalding man: But Stan, don't you know? It's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd. They're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics.\nStan: I guess... I guess you're right. [casts his eyes down and to the left in reflection. An arm appears, with a gun at the end aimed at Stan]\nPuff Daddy: Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch? [his four bodyguards aim their guns at Stan as well]\nStan: [jumps] Aaah!\nMan in shorts: [pops in] Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an animal! [runs off, only to return with a pail of real blood] Take that! [throws the blood at Puff Daddy, who spreads his arms out and down. The man calms down] I... hope that teaches you a lesson about wearing fur.\nPuff Daddy: Itius, Rodicus! [the bodyguards fire their weapons at the PETA members]\nBodyguard: Vote or die!\nStan: [braves his way through the crossfire, but gets hit on his left shoulder] Aaaah!! [keeps moving]\nPETA man: [goes to shield a dog] Protect the animals! Protect the animals! [he's shot and falls away. The dog then urinates on the man's head]\nBalding man: [rushes up to his llama and holds her] Janice, we shall die together in each other's arms! [three shots kill him and the llama prances away. More PETA members fall.]\nOstrich-baby: Kill me! Kill meee!! [Dr. Cornwallis is out of his tent and munching on the head of a dead man]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up the votes.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay... that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich.\nRandy: [through clenched teeth] So who won, Mr. Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: It's pretty close, but it looks like Giant Douche is gonna win.\nCartman: Oh, no! Noooo!!\nKyle: Ha! You lose, fatass!\nButters: [by the doors, motions to the others to look] Uh hey, wait a minute! [the others present gather round and look out. Stan approaches the school, battered and injured, and the others stream out of the school]\nRandy: Stan!\nSharon: Stan, you came back. Does that mean... you learned the importance of voting?\nStan: I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have.\nRandy: He's going to vote!\nTownsfolk: [murmuring amongst themselves] He's going to vote. He's going to vote. [they gather round and hoist Stan up, carrying him inside. Stan is lowered and he fills out the ballot. He holds his shoulder and thinks a moment while images of an eagle, the White House, and the US flag float in the background. He makes up his mind, he votes for Turd Sandwich. He considers his vote, then approaches the ballot box and drops his ballot in. Mr. Mackey, holding the box, spins around in his chair happily.]\nSinger: Let's get out the vote! Let's make our voices heard! We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd. It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test. A big, fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?\nMr. Mackey: [Adding Stan's vote to the tally] Stan's vote bring the total votes for Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And Giant Douche has... one thousand, four hundred, and ten. Giant Douche still wins!\nSome townsfolk: Yeah! All right!\nOther townsfolk: Aawwww!\nStan: Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter!\nRandy: Hey! That's not true, Stan.\nSharon: [genuflects behind Stan] You can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won.\nRandy: [genuflects behind Stan] Your vote still mattered.\nHerbert Garrison: [rushing into the school] Hey everybody! [holds up a shredded PETA shirt. Everyone turns and looks] They just found all the PETA members murdered at their compound! [all gasp]\nMr. Mackey: What the? They're all dead? Well, that means...\nClyde: That we can go back to being the South Park Cows! [opens his jacket and shows off his Cows shirt]\nAll: Hooray! All right!\nRandy: [to Stan] Now your vote didn't matter."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across the street moving along.\nCartman: You guys know what? Um, the last thing you do when you die, is crap your pants.\nStan: ...What?\nCartman: Yeah, when you die, your jowels release and crap comes flying out your ass. [laughs heartily. The other boys stop]\nKyle: That is fucking stupid, Cartman!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that when you die you crap your pants, asshole!\nHerbert Garrison: Hey everybody, it's time! [everyone stops and looks] It's time!\nTownsfolk: [a small group] It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening. It's happening now? Let's go! [they move off to their left]\nStan: It's time for what?\nHerbert Garrison: Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about to happen! [everyone follows him towards the field]\nScene Description: Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered there.\nManager: People of South Park I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first South Park... Wall-Mart! [the camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store. Everyone applauds and cheers]\nRandy: [hugging Sharon] Look at it, honey. It's so big.\nHerbert Garrison: [hugging Mr. Slave] It's like we're a real town now. [the boys finally arrive]\nCartman: Whoa, awesome!\nKyle: Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond used to be? Where we used to kayak and fish?\nMan: Yeah! Now it's a Wall-Mart!\nManager: I know that with the opening of the South Park branch of Wall-Mart, you will all see your town completely change... [walks over to the entrance, which has a banner across it: \"Grand Opening.\"] Now, shop friends. Shop! [steps aside and the doors open to a spacious store. The townsfolk rush inside]\nRandy: It's beautiful!\nMarvin Marsh: [greeting shoppers at the door.] Welcome to Wall-Mart. Welcome to Wall-Mart. ...Welcome to Wall-Mart.\nSheila: Sharon, isn't that your father?\nSharon: Yes. Wall-Mart is the leading employer of seniors. And they also employ the handicapped.\nJimmy: [approaching] Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g- Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart today?\nSharon: Why yes, I'd love one, Jimmy. [Jimmy turns and approaches a line of carts. He tugs at the one in the front, wrestling it away from the other carts. Once it's out far enough, he jumps to the rear and pushes it out]\nChef: [awestruck] My God. Look at all these incredible bargains.\nCartman: [the boys are in the movie aisle] Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!\nKyle: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?\nCartman: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!\nKyle: You only need one copy, r-tard!\nCartman: Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!\nKyle: Okay, fine, I will! [grabs a copy] H-wait a minute! I don't even want one copy of Time Cop! [puts it back]\nCartman: Dude, you can't shop for crap. [a wide shot of the store]\nWoman: [shopping with her husband] I can't believe these bargains.\nManager: [from an office window above the showroom floor] Fools. Ignorant fools.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated with items got from Wall-Mart. The family is enjoying snacks in fancy plasticware.\nRandy: Just look at the Marsh family, huh? Brand-new television, new plastic dishware and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen to last us a thousand winters. [three huge pallets of ramen are shown]\nStan: Dad, how come Wall-Mart is able to sell everything so cheap?\nRandy: It's simple economics, son. I don't understand it at all, but, God I love it.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming, and reacting to his dreams.\nWhispers: Six ninety-nine, fifteen dollars, free for fifteen ninety-eight...\nRandy: [suddenly awake] Aaaah! [looks at the window and crawls out of bed, then walks towards the window. He plants his hands on the window panes, and in the distance he sees that great shining beacon called Wall-Mart. He opens his pajama shirt and presses his body against the window. A soft sigh leaves his lungs...] Yeaaah... [Sharon wakes up]\nSharon: Randy, what are you doing?!\nRandy: [wraps himself up again and goes back to bed] Anu-nothing! [puts on his slippers] I'ma-I'ma-I'm just gonna head down to the Wall-Mart real quick.\nSharon: It's almost midnight.\nRandy: Yeah, think about it. If I go there now, there won't be anybody else there. [with determination] I can have all the bargains to myself! [heads out]\nScene Description: Wall-Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall-Mart never closes, and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him.\nElderly Woman: Thanks for coming to Wall-Mart. [waves] All are welcome. All are welcome! [Randy is stunned that he's not the only shopper there]\nScene Description: Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown.\nCartman: Excuse me! Hello?! Can somebody tell my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy Voltar cards when Wall-Mart has them for three bucks cheaper?\nKyle: Dude, I can't deal with Wall-Mart right now. My parents had me there for three hours last night. [they pass by a man closing up his shop for the last time]\nMr. Farkle: Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business.\nKyle: Why, Mr. Farkle?\nMr. Farkle: I can't compete with Wall-Mart's low prices. Everyone is shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Cartman pulls out a violin from somewhere and begins playing it masterfully] I've got to sell the store and try to find another line of work.\nKyle: [glares at Cartman] Cartman, stop it!\nCartman: What? I just felt like playing a little violin, Kyle.\nMr. Farkle: I appreciate your business, boys, but you'll have to try somewhere else in town. [walks away sobbing]\nKyle: See?! That sucks, dude!\nCartman: What? That's called progress, Kyle.\nKyle: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Cartman whips out the violin and plays it again] And what about all the- [looks at Cartman, takes away his violin, breaks it in half using his leg, and throws the pieces to the ground]\nCartman: ... Whatever. I can go get another one at Wall-Mart. It was only five bucks. [gives Kyle the finger, turns around, and walks away. Kyle watches him leave]\nStan: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores. [Kyle turns, and the three remaining boys walk away.]\nScene Description: Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled.\nKyle: What the hell? [before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Butters appears around a corner, making weird noises.]\nStan: Butters? [more strange noises come from Butters' mouth]\nKyle: Butters? What the hell are you doing?\nButters: Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's kinda spooky out here. [this is true. Butters resumes his monster act.]\nStan: Dude, we gotta show our parents what Wall-Mart is doing to our town. [the boys turn and leave.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find a house stuffed with Wall-Mart items.\nStan: Dad? [looks around at all the stuff] Jesus Christ, Da-dad! Dad?!\nRandy: Staaaan? [the boys hear him and rush over to the source of the noises]\nStan: Dad, oh my God!\nRandy: Staan...\nStan: What? D-dad, are are you dying?\nRandy: No, I'm just... really, really tired. I... was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.\nStan: But you-your face!\nRandy: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [tears one off and sticks it to Stan's cheek] Here. It's a little turtle. [faints and falls over]\nScene Description: Wall-Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office, the Manager nervously reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.\nManager: Come in? [the boys and their parents, Butters' parents, Chef, Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave all enter] Oh hello, fine shoppers.\nChef: Sir, we just had a big town meeting, and decided we don't want your Wall-Mart here anymore.\nRandy: We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of South Park.\nManager: [begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.\nKyle: But you run the Wall-Mart.\nManager: Oh, you're wrong! [rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall-Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're working at the Wall-Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides.\nChef: They why don't you just quit?!\nManager: [whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you.\nKyle: You hate Wall-Mart, too? [rumbles emanate from the walls]\nManager: Aah! [nervously] I didn't say that! I love Wall-Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall-Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [he writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: \"NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE.\"] Ah-and Wall-Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall-Mart, aren't we? [writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: \"MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS.\" He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]\nRandy: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got squirreled.\nGerald: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy! [circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]\nCartman: [catching up with the other boys] Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner. Sharon walks in with steaks.\nSharon: Here we go, everyone. I got three nice steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll have to share them.\nRandy: Heh, I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall-Mart.\nStan: Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed not to shop at Wall-Mart anymore.\nRandy: I know, I know! God! [pounds the table] Bleeeh! [Sharon joins them at table and the family begins eating]\nStan: Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always crap their- [knocks over his glass of milk, which spills onto Shelly]\nShelly: Oh, you stupid turd!\nRandy: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall-Mart!\nSharon: We do?\nRandy: Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your shoes on, we're goin' to Wall-Mart!\nStan: But Dad, we're not supposed to shop at-\nRandy: STAN! One family buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference!\nScene Description: Wall-Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy saw before.\nRandy: Heeeey... [The Broflovskis approach and Randy looks] Gerald, what are you doing?! We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall-Mart anymore!\nGerald: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?\nRandy: [noticing other familiar faces] Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo! [the shoppers stop and look] Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!\nHerbert Garrison: Well what are you doing here, Randy?\nRandy: I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.\nStan: Dad!\nRandy: Oh all right, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... And some chips. And butter. [pulls out a sheet and looks at it] And some new pliers.\nGerald: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall-Mart, but we can't stop coming here.\nJimbo: It's like some mystical evil force.\nRandy: Yeah. This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall-Mart out of business once and for all!\nHerbert Garrison: Let's burn it down!\nChef: No, no, no! Let's freeze it!\nStephen: I think it's best we try to reason with it.\nKyle: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall-Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.\nScene Description: Outside, later. The Wall-Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn.\nRandy: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. [the people begin to sway back and forth]\nAll: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord...\nScene Description: Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along.\nCartman: You butthole, Kyle. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?\nKyle: [looking at Cartman] It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall-Mart down.\nCartman: No, but you got everyone all worked up! You're always jealous of the Wall-Mart. You always hated it.\nKyle: Dude, our town is going to be better without the- [sounds of construction are heard. Kyle turns to look. ] What the?\nCartman: Oh, awesome! [rushes towards Wall-Mart]\nKyle: How... How did this happen? [the other boys make their way to the store, then look around at the restored store, which is running as if nothing had happened the night before. Kyle's parents are shopping there, and they run into the boys.] Mom, Dad? Why are you shopping here?\nGerald: We can't destroy it, son. We have to learn to live with it.\nRandy: Can I help you? [the boys turn around and see the man is Randy, and the jump back in fright]\nStan: Dad, what are you doing?!\nRandy: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.\nStan: Dad, you're a geologist!\nRandy: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall-Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend.\nScene Description: Outside. The boys walk away from Wall-Mart and see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane.\nKyle: Hey! Hey! [the driver looks at them] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!\nDriver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.\nKyle: But nobody wants a Wall-Mart here!\nDriver: You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups.\nStan: Where are they?\nDriver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall-Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [drives away]\nKyle: Looks like we're gonna have to go to Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna put a stop to Wall-Mart once and for all!\nCartman: [Inside the store] Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine ceeeents? [freezes in place and hears sounds] Wall-Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [turns a little angry] Yes, Wall-Mart. I understand. [with a look of determination, he leaves the store.]\nScene Description: Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket booth.\nStan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.\nCartman: [rushing up to join them] Wait! Guys! Hold on! I wanna go with you and help out.\nKyle: No way! You wanna go with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying the Wall-Mart.\nCartman: Nuh-uh.\nKyle: Yeah, huh! You wanna go with us so that later you go, \"Haha! I was working for Wall-Mart all along!\" or something.\nCartman: I am not, Kyle!\nStan: Dude, just let him come. The bus is about to leave. [he and Kenny head for the doors]\nKyle: All right, fine. Come on, fatass! [leaves to catch up with Stan.]\nCartman: [pulls out a knife from his back pocket] Haha. You fools have no idea that I would never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.\nKyle: [rushes out to face Cartman] I heard that!\nCartman: You heard what?\nKyle: You said we have no idea that you're never let us hurt Wall-Mart!\nCartman: That's not what I said! [Stan comes out to see what's going on]\nStan: Dude, come on!\nKyle: He is working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!\nStan: Dude, we have to go!\nKyle: God-damnit! [turns and heads towards Stan]\nStan: Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!\nCartman: [to himself] Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!\nScene Description: Bentonville, Home of Wall-Mart. A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four boys off.\nStan: Goddamn, that took a long time.\nKyle: It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires!\nCartman: [drawing out the syllables] I did not! I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!\nScene Description: Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets them.\nReceptionist: Can I help you?\nKyle: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall-Mart in our town.\nReceptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall-Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it.\nKyle: We want to talk to who's in charge.\nReceptionist: In charge? I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall-Mart. One of the original creators.\nStan: Where's he?\nScene Description: An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty glasses of liquor.\nHarvey Brown: We... invented the Wall-Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [defeated, buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.\nKyle: So how do we stop it?\nHarvey Brown: [raises his head] You don't stop it.\nStan: There has to be a way!\nHarvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall-Mart in your town! ...Unless... of course, you can find and destroy its heart.\nKyle: The heart of Wall-Mart?\nCartman: Sir, don't you think you're talking a little too much?\nHarvey Brown: Every Wall-Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!\nCartman: You speak too much, sir!\nStan: Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?\nHarvey Brown: Because the Wall-Mart stops you. Many have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall-Mart and now. They are Wall-Mart shoppers all.\nKyle: All right. C'mon you guys. We have to get back home. [they drop down and leave the room]\nHarvey Brown: [shakes his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall-Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?! What did we do?! [the boys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Boys! [the boys turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... I'm sorry! [the boys are alarmed]\nStan: No, dude, don't! [Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a fallen bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock, and then Cartman cracks up]\nCartman: [pointing to Kyle] That's ten bucks you owe me, dick-face!\nScene Description: A stormy night in front of Wall-Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive dressed in camouflage.\nKyle: All right, this is it! If Wall-Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall-Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.\nCartman: [rushes in and blocks their path. holding a dagger] I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall-Mart is a great store! I could not let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!\nKyle: I knew you were!\nCartman: No, you didn't.\nKyle: Yes, I did! I said from the beginning that you would do this!\nCartman: No, you didn't.\nKyle: Yes, I did!\nCartman: No, you didn't.\nKyle: Yes, I did!\nCartman: No, you didn't.\nKyle: Yes, I did!\nCartman: No, you didn't.\nKyle: Yes. I did! [a few more rounds of this and they stand head to head, silent]\nCartman: ...You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bu-\nKyle: [interrupting] -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas! I said so! I told you the minute that I- [Cartman babbles loudly to drown him out] -and I told you that-\nCartman: [plugs his ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [once he's sure Kyle is quiet, he unplugs his ears and pulls out his dagger] I'm sorry, boys. But if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me! [holds out the dagger, ready for battle.]\nKyle: [he and Stan walk around Cartman] We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us! [Kenny does as told]\nCartman: Very well, Kenny! Let us battle! [Kenny begins delivering blows at Cartman] Ow, Kenny. K-Kenny! Knock it off.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeter Marvin Marsh.\nMarvin Marsh: Welcome to Wall-Mart.\nStan: Save it, Grandpa!\nKyle: We've gotta find the television department. [the lights flicker and turn off. Randy leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. Stan and Kyle scream]\nRandy: Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.\nStan: Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall-Mart.\nRandy: Shhhhh! What are you talking about?\nStan: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.\nRandy: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [they move down the aisle for some distance. Randy stops and jumps] Oh my God!\nStan: What?!\nRandy: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall-Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!\nStan: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [the three make their way to the back, but Randy can't help but look at all the bargains]\nRandy: Gaaah! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [they come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The boys run down another aisle, but Randy isn't with them.]\nKyle: I think I see the television department in the back!\nStan: Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?! [looks around, then turns to his right. Kyle turns to his left. Both boys see Randy] Dad!\nRandy: The screwdriver set is only nine ninety-eight!\nStan: Come on, Dad!\nRandy: I can't make it, boys! You're gonna have to go on without me!\nStan: No, dad! We need your keys!\nRandy: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [tosses the keys to Stan, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers! [the boys leave the aisle]\nStan: [passing the candy display] There! The television department!\nScene Description: The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.\nWall-Mart: Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting this far. [the boys approach him]\nKyle: Who are you?\nWall-Mart: I am... Wall-Mart. [the boys look at each other]\nStan: You?\nWall-Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [dons a brimmed hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]\nStan: We don't want your store in our town; we come to destroy you.\nKyle: Where's the heart?\nWall-Mart: To find the heart of Wall-Mart, one must first ask oneself, \"Who is it that asked the question?\" [the boys look at each other again]\nStan: Me. I'm asking the question.\nWall-Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?\nStan: Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart?\nWall-Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!\nKyle: The question is, \"Where is the heart?\"\nWall-Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall-Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [the boys look to their right and walk over. The open a small door marked \"EMPLOYEES ONLY\" and they open it. A rectangular mirror is behind it.]\nStan: It's a mirror.\nWall-Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall-Mart. You, the consumer. I take many forms: Wall-Mart, K-Mart, Target. But I am one single entity: Desire!\nStan: Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [the boys turn and face the mirror again, and Kyle takes a black mallet to it. It shatters.]\nWall-Mart: Gaaah! No! No, what have you done?! [the building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [Removes his mustache and begins to march around with vigor and laughing harshly] Now you see me as I truly am!\nStan: We'd better get out of here. [outside, Cartman and Kenny stop wrestling and witness the Wall-Mart rumbling and there's lighting flying around it. Inside, Stan and Kyle make their way to the front doors]\nChef: [panicking] Get out! It's gonna blow! [the shoppers pay heed]\nStan: Dad, come on! We've gotta get out!\nRandy: Too late for me, son! I have to buy this stuff!\nKyle: The Wall-Mart is imploding! Everybody out NOW! [the shoppers and employees now bolt for the doors and run out as an M in Mart falls down.]\nScene Description: Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building distorts, folds up and implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall-Mart once stood. Cartman looks on in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away.\nHerbert Garrison: [proudly] Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall-Mart! [the crowd cheers]\nGerald: How did you do it, Kyle?\nKyle: All Wall-Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.\nChef: We know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph]\nRandy: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall-Mart... is us.\nKyle: Duh.\nRandy: You see boys, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay a little bit more. Do you understand?\nGerald: Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs down the street! [the crowd approves and marches down the street]\nScene Description: Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall-Mart, which in turn leads to Jim's Drugs' demise by fire.\nCrowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.\nRandy: All right, let's not make that mistake again.\nHerbert Garrison: Yeah, lets all shop over at True Value!\nCrowd: Let's go! Yeah! [the crowd moves to the store as one]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Some fourth graders chat in the hall as Wendy passes by: Clyde talking to Kenny and Kyle.\nClyde: Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers... [Stan rushes up to them and grabs Kyle by the coat]\nStan: Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now!\nKyle: Okay, hang on a second I-\nStan: [pulls Kyle away] Right now, goddamnit!\nKyle: All right, all right! [Stan pulls him further away until there's no one around them] Dude, what is the matter with you?\nStan: [the look of fear is strong on his face] Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. [the boys are suddenly afraid]\nKenny: (WHAT??!!!?)\nKyle: Trent Boyett?! The kid from preschool?!\nStan: Yeah! He just got paroled!\nKyle: Oh, no! No!\nCartman: Hey gay-butts, what's goin' on?\nKyle: Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall.\nCartman: Really? That's cool. When did- [realizes what Kyle has just said and stops completely in place] What did you say? [rushes up to Kyle] Trent Boyett?! Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at us, Trent Boyett?!\nKyle: Yeah.\nCartman: Oh, Holy Jesus, God...\nStan: What the hell are we gonna do??\nButters: [runs up to the boys] Is it true?! Trent Boyett is getting out?!\nCartman: It's true.\nButters: Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide! [rushes off to do that, past the other kids in the hall to the front door...] Uh, oh boy! [bursts through the front doors and runs away babbling]\nCartman: He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are dead men.\nKyle: Look, maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool.\nScene Description: Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are busy doing things, sliding and such.\nStan: Dude, let's play Fireman.\nKyle: Totally, dude, let's play Fireman.\nCartman: Jews can't be firemen.\nKyle: Shut up, fat ass!\nCartman: Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew!\nKenny: (How about we put a real fire out?)\nStan: Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a real fire. Then we'll be heroes!\nCartman: But how do we start a fire?\nKyle: Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool! [a shot of Trent beating up another kid with a play hammer. He delivers two blows]\nTrent: Say Uncle!\nBoy: Uncle!\nTrent: [two more blows] Say Uncle!!!!!!\nBoy: Uncle! [satisfied, Trent lets the boy go, and Stan and the others advance to him]\nTrent: [turns around] What do you shitheads want?!\nKyle: Do you know how to start a fire?\nTrent: Sure! I burn lots stuff.\nStan: Start one. Then we're gonna put it out.\nKyle: We're firemen!\nTrent: Do you dickheads even know how to put out a fire?\nStan: Yeah, yeah. We play Fireman all the time.\nCartman: Don't worry, Trent.\nTrent: All right, fine. [walks back to the table, grabs a sheet of paper, crumples it up, and lays it down on the floor. He sets it on fire]\nButters: [approaches] Hey fellas, you'd better be careful.\nCartman: Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing!\nButters: Oh, all right then. [turns around and walks off. The sheet catches fire]\nStan: Wow, cool!\nKyle: Code 7! Bring in the firemen!\nStan: [walks up to the crumples sheet] Woo, woo, woo, woo. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang! [drops his pants and begins pissing on the paper] Come on, firemen! Put out the fire! [the other boys come and imitate the fire truck noises while pissing on the paper. Trent looks on.]\nStan: We're heroes!\nKyle: [smiles] We saved the school!\nTrent: [sees that the fire is spreading] Put it out!\nMs. Claridge: [a female, notices the fire and arrives] Trent Boyett, what have you done now?!\nTrent: They said they could put it out!\nMs. Claridge: Children, get back away, now! [shoos the boys away, then tries to smother the fire out with a blanket. The blanket catches fire, and so does she.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [runs from the blanket, then twirls in her own flames as the alarm goes off] I'M BUUURNIIIING!!!\nStan: Put it out, put it out! [Cartman runs up to their teacher and starts pissing on her. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback. The teacher is being put in an ambulance.\nParamedic: Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital! [the paramedics hop into the ambulance and drive off, siren blaring]\nStan: Dude, we are in so much trouble!\nKyle: My mom is gonna break my legs!\nCartman: Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent Boyett did.\nStan: That's true.\nOfficer: You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the fire was your idea.\nStan: No!\nKyle: Not us. We're good kids.\nTrent: Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out.\nCartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.\nOfficer: I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time!\nTrent: [pleading as he passes Butters] Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened!\nButters: U-Ah, gee-whiz, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me.\nTrent: You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better all pray! [the officer wrestles him into the patrol car and closes the door]\nKyle: Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna kill us!\nCartman: Whatever. That's like five years from now.\nStan: Yeah, who cares?\nThe boys: [cheering] All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it!\nScene Description: The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again.\nStan: Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released.\nCartman: Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've gotta tell our parents!\nKyle: We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!\nStan: Shhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now. [a soft noise is heard, and in rolls a futuristic wheelchair, encasing Ms. Claridge]\nThe boys: Hello, Ms. Claridge. [she turns to face them]\nStan: [nervously] Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge? [a yellow button on the machine lights up and beeps. She turns left and rolls away]\nCartman: You guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart!\nKyle: Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it.\nScene Description: Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks smoggy.\nScene Description: Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written \"Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord.\" Above the writing is a cross. On his left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words \"Never Forget.\" He approaches the check-out desk.\nWarden: [holds up a manila envelope] Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned. [slices the envelope open and the goods pour out. He then gives each good to Trent after mentioning it] One Crayola eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one [snaps the blade open] switch-blade knife with \"Kill all betrayers\" written on the blade, black. [snaps the blade closed again and hands it to Trent. Trent makes his way past the desk and heads for the exit.] Trent! Where are you gonna do? [Trent stops]\nTrent: I gots some business to take care of. [leaves]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at his door.\nButters: Hah! [the door opens and his parents enter.]\nStephen: Butters? [a view of the room from their position doesn't show Butters anywhere. Butters peeks out from behind the bookcase]\nButters: Hwell. Oh, uh, hi Dad.\nStephen: Butters, what is wrong with you??\nButters: Nothins' wrong, sir. Eh, nothin' at all.\nLinda: You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play.\nButters: Uh... outside? No way! [hides again]\nLinda: Why not?\nButters: [pops up] N-no reason! [hides again]\nStephen: Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now!\nButters: But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room-\nScene Description: Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously.\nStephen: Butters, play! [Butters is frozen by something he sees across the street] Start playing right now, young man! [Butters begins to move around, and his father leaves the window. Butters does the Hokey Pokey, but notices the street again and freezes. Across the street, Trent looks right at him]\nButters: Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! Haaaa! [grabs the door handle and tries to go inside again, only to find it locked. He pounds on the door] Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now! [Trent marches across the street and approaches Butters.] Aaaaah! Let me in, Dad! [Butters pounds on the door again] Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door! [Inside, on the sofa, Chris reads the newspaper, Linda reads a book]\nLinda: What on earth is the matter with him?\nStephen: Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life.\nButters: Oh my God, he's coming! Oh hamburgers he's gonna kill me!\nLinda: I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs. [rises from the sofa and heads upstairs]\nButters: Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it- [stops and turns around. He's face to face with Trent. Butters begins talking nervously] Oh, hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a while.\nTrent: [beat] Five years. It's been five long, miserable years.\nButters: Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids. [Trent is unmoved] Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it!\nTrent: Can you give me back my time?! Huh?! Can you do that?! Kindergarten, first grade, second?! Can you give me that?!\nButters: Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'.\nTrent: I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start.\nButters: No, Trent, I-I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through.\nTrent: Four seconds!\nButters: Uh, Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color-\nTrent: Three seconds!\nButters: Ohhh hamburgers! [runs away]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside.\nLinda: Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him. [the boys just stand there with their jaws dropped, awed at what they see before them. Dr. Doctor comes in with a clipboard]\nStephen: What happened to him, Doctor?\nDr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one. [the boys are more frightened after hearing this] It also looks like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride.\nLinda: What's that?\nDr. Doctor: We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure.\nLinda: If only we had let him in! [faces Stephen] Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help?? [begins to sob]\nStephen: Now, honey, we were trying to read. [the boys walk over to an adjacent room]\nCartman: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters!\nKyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years!\nCartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister!\nStan: Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection.\nCartman: [now yelling] How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! [the adults in the recovery room look at Cartman] Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe. [the adults turn their attention back to Butters]\nStan: I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on! [the boys run off]\nScene Description: A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders ride their bikes all around the riverbed.\nSixth grader 1: I'm gonna jump the wall of fire. [makes motorcycle noises and jumps a low ramp and a small fire, landing safely] Yeah, that was sweet!\nSixth grade leader: Hey, look! [before him, Stan and friend approach]\nKyle: Dude, we shouldn't be here!\nStan: Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders.\nSixth grade leader: Stupid little Fourthies! [leads the other sixth-grade boys towards the fourth-graders and circles them, then stops in front of them] What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?!\nStan: We've come to... ask you for help.\nSixth grade leader: Help?! [he and the other sixth graders laugh heartily]\nKyle: We need you to protect us... from a bully.\nSixth grade leader: Yeah? And what do we get for it? [Stan nudges Cartman forward]\nCartman: [pulls each item from his backpack and presents it as he mentions it] A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin. [places it at the top of the small tower he's built] All this can be yours. [the Sixth Grade Leader steps off his bike, approaches Cartman, and throws the tower aside]\nSixth grade leader: You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies!\nKyle: Well... [the fourth-graders take a step back] Well, what do you want?\nSixth grade leader: You're Stan Marsh, right?\nStan: Yeah.\nSixth graders: OOOOOoooOoOooo! [Stan develops a worried face]\nSixth grade leader: We want a picture of your mom's boobs! [cups his hands over his chest]\nSixth graders: Yeah. Awesome.\nStan: What?!\nSixth grader 2: Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever.\nSixth grader 3: Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits.\nStan: Dude, weak!\nSixth grade leader: Come back with a naked picture of your mom!\nStan: [after some thought] No!\nSixth grade leader: Then we aren't helpin' you!\nKyle: Wait! We'll do it.\nSixth grade leader: It'd have to be a good picture, too! [the sixth-graders make motorcycle noises and ride off. This sixth grader does a wheelie] So long, Fourthies!\nCartman: Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool.\nScene Description: Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid disks and begins pumping iron.\nScene Description: South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each other.\nWoman 1: That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no. [Ms. Claridge stops at a corner waiting to cross the street. Another couple approaches her and flanks her on either side]\nWoman 2: Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks once, so yes]\nMan 2: Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks two, so no] Well all right then. [the light turns green and the couple crosses the street. Ms. Claridge does as well, but it's slow going for her. Her wheelchair slows down and her power indicator drops to zero. She stuck in the middle of the street in the crosswalk]\nMan 3: [walks over to help her] Ms. Claridge, you all right? [silence, as there's no power for her light to blink] You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street? [again, no response] Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help. [no response. The man gets annoyed] Oooo, sorry! [the man walks on to the other side of the street, quite annoyed at Ms. Claridge. Cross traffic begins, and the cars beep at Ms. Claridge to move out of the way. She's stuck]\nScene Description: A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door. Trent faces her with his knife in hand.\nTrent: Can Kyle come out and play?\nSheila: Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon.\nTrent: Thank you, ma'am. [turns and walks away]\nScene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining table. Cartman is dressed as a woman.\nStan: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class.\nCartman: I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange. [crosses his arms] You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts.\nStan: But mom, my teacher will-\nCartman: Nononono, you gotta go [softly, sweetly] \"But Mo-o-o-om.\"\nStan: [normal] But Mo-o-o-\nCartman: [with more feeling] \"But Mo-o-o-om.\"\nStan: This is hopeless!\nKyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?\nStan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs!\nKenny: [volunteers] (I'll do it!)\nStan: No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of.\nKyle: What else has big round squishy globes? [they look at Cartman, who looks up into space]\nScene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny stands as a witness.\nCartman: Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my ass cheeks.\nKyle: [checks the book] No, the nipples are more in the middle, see? [holds the book out for the others to see.]\nCartman: Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now.\nStan: How do you know?!\nCartman: Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff!\nStan: All right, fine. [draws some nipples on Cartman's ass, checking the book to be sure. He then steps back]\nKyle: Oh wait! We forgot the necklace.\nKenny: (Oh yeah!) [walks up and puts a necklace above the new nipples, then steps back. Stan frames the image with his hands, then has Kyle step into his spot to take a couple of pictures.]\nKyle: [lowers the camera] God, I hope this works.\nScene Description: The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach.\nStan: Excuse me!\nSixth grade leader: What do you want now?!\nStan: [steps forward] We, we got it. [pulls out the photo. The sixth graders ride up to the boys]\nSixth grader 4: You got a picture of your mom's bewbs?\nSixth grader 5: No way!\nSixth grader 2: [walks up and takes the photo, then walks back to the group, looking at it] Hey, hold on a second! [the boys are scared] These are like the hottest tits I've ever seen!\nSixth grader 8: Whoa!\nSixth grader 4: Check them out!\nSixth grade leader: [walks up and grabs is from #6] Give me that! [looks] Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack!\nSixth graders: Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!\nSixth grader 3: Oh yeah, those are so hot. [fondles his groin] Oooohhh\nKyle: [the boys look at each other] Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett?\nSixth grade leader: [someone else has the picture now] Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he messes with you, he's messin' with us!\nCartman: All right!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nCartman: You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world!\nKenny: (All right!)\nSixth grader 9: I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes.\nSixth grader 2: I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you.\nSixth grade leader: [grabs the picture] I'm takin' it to the bushes first! [the others follow]\nStan: Dude, are we gonna be like that someday?\nKyle: [after some thought] Naw.\nScene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street.\nKyle: Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up!\nCartman: Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass.\nStan: Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing? [she's still in the crosswalk] Ms. Claridge?\nMan 4: [stops and walks up to the boys] She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope. [walks on. The boys move on as well and round a corner]\nCartman: Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a- [drops his cone in fright] Huh?! [before them is a pile of mangled bikes]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands full.\nDr. Doctor: Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life! [sees a nurse and motions to her] Get a cold towel on that pink belly!\nNurse 1: Doctor, we have another snuggie here!\nDr. Doctor: Over there! [points to a clear area, then goes to another cot on which a sixth grader grabs his left ear in pain. A nurse is there as well] Another wet willie?\nNurse 2: Worst one yet.\nSixth grader: It's all slimy and spitty! [becomes incomprehensible and cries out in pain]\nDr. Doctor: Give the poor kid some morphine. [the nurse reaches for a syringe and does as told. The boys approach the cot on which the leader of the sixth graders lies]\nStan: Dude, what happened?\nSixth grade leader: We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us.\nKyle: Oh, Jesus. You told him that?! [the leader suffers a cramp and groans]\nDr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.\nStan: What's that?\nDr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus. [the boys are flabbergasted] I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side. [walks away. The boys leave the hospital]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, outside.\nStan: We're dead. Trent knows we sent the sixth-graders after him.\nCartman: He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls. [breathes a silent sigh]\nKyle: We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible!\nStan: No, no, we've just gotta find better help.\nKyle: From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders.\nStan: [looks down] There is... one person.\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room. Shelly is watching TV with a bowl of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach.\nStan: Shelly?\nShelly: Shut up, turd! I'm watching television!\nStan: Shelly, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other.\nShelly: I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd!\nStan: Shelly [hesitates, begins to tear up] Somebody is going to kill me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left. [begins to cry. Shelly notices, puts her bowl aside, hops off the sofa, and walks up to Stan]\nShelly: [in Stan's face] Stop crying, turd! Now, who's gonna kill you?\nStan: Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault.\nShelly: Oh, you are such stupid turds.\nStan: We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna kill us!\nShelly: Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to kill you. That's my job.\nKyle: So you're gonna help us?\nShelly: Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return.\nCartman: A picture of your mom's boobs?\nShelly: Shut up, turd! [all four of the boys stand back in fear] You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did!\nStan: Admit it was our fault?\nShelly: You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd. [the boys aren't so sure apologizing will do any good]\nScene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman approach the corner facing her.\nMan 5: Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you. [no reply]\nWoman 3: Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people. [no reply]\nMan 6: Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no? [no reply]\nMan 5: All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in! [the three walk away] Bitch. [Stan and his friends approach the corner and walk up to Ms. Claridge.]\nStan: Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-something to tell you. [no reply]\nKyle: The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids.\nCartman: A lot of stupid things that we regret.\nKenny: (And it's time for us to come clean.) [no reply]\nStan: See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our wieners a lot, and one game we played was \"Fireman.\"\nTrent: [appearing behind them] I've been lookin' for you! [the boys turn and jump upon seeing him. Kenny tightens his hood.] Five years I've been waitin' for this day.\nCartman: Aaaaaaaah!\nStan: Trent, look, we've realized our mistake! [Trent advances, the boys back up]\nCartman: Yes, our conscience got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth. [the boys hide behind Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, Trent goes around the other side and faces them behind the chair]\nTrent: You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives!\nKyle: Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you! [the boys back up some more, away from the intersection]\nTrent: Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there were no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A HUGE MECHANIC BARBRA STREISAND!! NO ACCIDENTAL TRIPS TO AFGANISTAN FOR TRENT BOYETT!! [advances. Cartman pulls out a taser gun as the other boys fall in behind him]\nCartman: Stay away from us, Trent!\nStan: What is that?\nCartman: It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse. [steps forward] Just back off, man!\nTrent: Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with.\nCartman: I am not going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters!\nTrent: You don't even know how to use that! [advances on Cartman, who fires the taser but misses.]\nScene Description: The taser tips hit Ms. Claridge's wheelchair and begin charging her battery up. Excess power causes the wheelchair to spin twice around and go off to the corner she was facing. She hits Little Gas Shack and blows up three propane tanks just outside the store. Those tanks in turn blow up the store. Ms. Claridge catches fire and spins around a few more times. Her button blinks twice for no and she crosses back across the street, crashing into a Pets-U-Luv store. A bunch of cats attack her and she pulls back out of the store. She spins again a few more times and a policeman pulls up in his cruiser. Ms. Claridge rolls down the street and shears off a fire hydrant. She gets stuck atop the pipe and water shoots up and engulfs her. Moments later the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics prepare to put Ms. Claridge into the cargo area of the vehicle.\nOfficer 2: So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh?\nTrent: No! They did it! [silence for a few seconds]\nCartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.\nOfficer 2: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [two beeps, so no] Yes, yes. Take him away!\nTrent: [a blond officer arrests him] No! You've gotta listen to me! [nope. He's hauled away and the gathered crowd disperses]\nKyle: Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad!\nCartman: Whatever, that's like five years from now.\nStan: Yeah, who cares?\nThe boys: Yeah, woohoo!\nCartman: We did it! [walks over to the side of the cruiser Trent is sitting in] So long, Trent! Have a nice time! [Trent grits his teeth in anger as Cartman dances] Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! [turns around and lowers his pants, then shakes his bare at him] Hahahahahaaahaaa! [he forgot to remove the nipple markings from it. Trent grows livid. The six-graders arrive and notice Cartman's buttcheeks.]\nSixth grader 2: Hey, hold on a second!\nCartman: Uh oh.\nSixth grader 2: Bewbs!\nSixth grader 1: Omigod!\nSixth graders: Boobs!\nSixth grader 1: [as the others argue over them and carry Cartman away] I'm taking them to the bushes!\nSixth grader 2: I'm taking them to the bushes first!\nCartman: Hah! Hey!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music.\nAnnouncer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. The news made for students, by students.\nJimmy: Welcome to S-super School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer.\nCartman: And I'm Rick Cartman.\nJimmy: The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.\nCartman: Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.\nScene Description: Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.\nStan: Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now, that's traditionally a uh-a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah-ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?\nCartman: [serious pose] ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities?\nScene Description: Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.\nButters: Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now and ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh, about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih-ih-turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.\nCartman: All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.\nButters: [over a speaker] Will do.\nJimmy: More snow for South P... P-P-Park. Here's Token Black with the weather.\nToken: [in front of a weather map] Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys?\nCartman: Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.\nKyle: [at a small desk, for Sports] Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson started crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit.\nCartman: Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.\nJimmy: And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh- [lilts] Ehehehehe [normal] El-Elementary.\nStan: [returning from the kitchen to serve as cameraman] And we're... cut! [turns off the camera]\nCartman: All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice. [the reporters gather in studio]\nButters: Boy, that was a great episode!\nStan: Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.\nMr. Meryl: [enters the studio] Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show.\nKyle: What?!\nJimmy: For God's sake,why Mr. M-M-Meryl?!\nMr. Meryl: Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week.\nCartman: How many students is that?\nMr. Meryl: Four. [holds up four fingers] Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57!\nStan: ...Craig's show??\nCartman: What is that butthole doing now?!\nMr. Meryl: Oh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens. [pops a VHS tape into the player and the video starts]\nCraig: [on tape, as the name of the show is displayed] Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens. [the video goes on to show close-ups of dogs and cats.]\nStan: But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV!\nMr. Meryl: It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show. Just one person and a video camera. Craig is a genius. Uh-sorry, kids. [walks between and past them]\nJimmy: [stopping Mr. Meryl] But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts, and our news team delivers them, very much.\nMr. Meryl: Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens!\nCartman: Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing.\nMr. Meryl: I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay. [walks off]\nCartman: ...You're gay!\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. The boys are seated for lunch: Jimmy, Butters, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Token. Other kids are there as well.\nButters: [his head resting on his right hand] Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.\nStan: Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.\nWhistlin' Willy: [approaches the table] Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? [begins to whistle]\nCartman: Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood.\nWhistlin' Willy: [enthusiastically] If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. [whistles] Come on! [whistles some more, then stops. The boys whistle back, but slowly and flatly] There you go! [sets the pizza down on the table and leaves]\nCartman: [softly] God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park.\nStan: [look at Cartman, but notices someone else] Hey, look, Craig just walked in. [Craig enters to cheers from the other kids in the restaurant and waves back to them. Several kids take pictures of Craig]\nBradley: Yeah!\nKid 1: Hey look, it's Craig!\nKevin: Hey, Craig, over here!\nKyle: Geez, all that from a stupid video show.\nCraig: [sees the other boys and addresses them] Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled.\nCartman: Go play with yourself, Craig.\nCraig: Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows.\nStan: Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! [holds up a fist with thumb and index finger just a centimeter apart]\nCraig: [throws the gesture back at Stan] This much more than you had!\nScene Description: Craig walks off with his fans. They head to Willy's VIP Lounge, which is just a large corner booth. A waiter guards access to the lounge and Craig approaches.\nCraig: Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! [the other kids cheer and the waiter opens the lounge. The kids pour into place, including Kenny.]\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nCartman: [catches up to Kenny] Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?!\nKenny: (Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.)\nCartman: You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that! We've always been supercool to you! [Kenny flashes back to Cartman gloating about their news show]  \"Hahahahahaaahaaa! We're gonna do a news show, and you can't do it with us, because you are too poo-oor, and poor people don't watch the new-oos! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!\" [Kenny gets annoyed] [The flashback ends, which the upset Kenny crosses his arms] ...Ah whatever, Kenny! [walks away]\nCraig: Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle, close-up animals. [the kids cheer again. Clyde walks up and takes the tape from Craig]\nClyde: [excitedly runs towards the video wall] Put it, put it up on the, monitors! [puts the tape into the player and more close-up footage of animals is shown]\nKids: Cuuute. [a kitten's face is shown] Super cuuute.\nKyle: [turns back to the table] Gah, I just don't get it.\nToken: Wow, those animals are pretty cute.\nStan: Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better!\nKyle: Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, they'll let us stay on the air!\nButters: Well, what are we waitin' for?!\nStan: Come on, guys! [the boys leave]\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the chalkboard reads \"Idea Room.\" Cartman has his feet up on the table. Stan paces the floor.\nStan: All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show.\nKyle: How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.\nCartman: It should be Sexy News.\nToken: Action News!\nStan: Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.\nKyle: Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.\nCartman: Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting.\nButters: Hey, yeah. Uh why I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.\nCartman: Nice, Butters, write that down!\nButters: [enunciates each word as he writes it] Lie about celebrities.\nStan: We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders...\nCartman: And panda bears for the preschoolers.\nStan: Good!\nKyle: Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.\nToken: Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.\nButters: Oh, boy!\nJimmy: Fellas, are you sure all of this is eh-ethical?\nCartman: We're in fourth grade, Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means.\nStan: All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories!\nButters: Sexy Action School News Team, ho! [the boys leave their seats and head out the doors. Cartman stops Token]\nCartman: Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? [takes Token by the arm and walks him away from the door] Look, Token, I-I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.\nToken: Huh?\nCartman: You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha-, how should I say... white. [Sees that Token isn't following] Token, all the great African-Americans news people have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings.\nAnnouncer: This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now, [dramatic fanfare] Time with the Sexy Action School News! [a splashy logo appears with a small explosion behind the logo, then a female silhouette walking across the screen behind the words]\nCartman: Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls!\nScene Description: Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins with shorter shorts and tank tops.\nRaisins Girls: Woohoo!\nStan: Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.\nRaisins Girls: Woowhoowoo!\nCartman: And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.\nToken: [deeper, whiter voice] No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead. [grins and points his index fingers at the camera]\nJimmy: The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up-\nCartman: [rudely interrupting] Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the dish on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle?\nKyle: [at a different, flashier desk] Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman [his picture is shown], pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner [her picture is shown] stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.\nCartman: [cracks up with laughter, then holds up a finger] One testicle! [pounds the desk and laughs] What an asshole! [a short jingle is heard]\nToken: Uh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! [circus music plays as panda-suited mascots and the other reporters join Token in the weather area and dance. A pulsating logo appears]\nCartman: Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity watch, with Butters.\nJimmy: [dismayed] This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr-tr-travesty.\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F.\nCartman: All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle.\nStan: Then, let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.\nToken: That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.\nJimmy: [walks into the room with a tape] Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show. [the boys look at Cartman]\nCartman: Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got skidmarks Monday.\nJimmy: But this is real news!\nCartman: It's boring news, Jimmy.\nJimmy: How do you know?! You you haven't s-seen it yet!\nCartman: All right, tell me about it.\nJimmy: Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-\nCartman: [yawns loudly] Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?\nJimmy: Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school!\nStan: No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want.\nKyle: We're making the news more appealing to students.\nJimmy: This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibility to bring students the fa... the facts! [begins to walk around the table] Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-news reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? [Cartman then yawns loudly again]\nScene Description: Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department.\nMr. Meryl: Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers!\nThe boys: All right! Woohoo! Awesome! [the boys give each other hugs all around and shake hands]\nStan: I knew we could do it!\nKyle: We beat Close-up Animals!\nCartman: Oh man, this is so great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! [hugs Butters]\nMr. Meryl: Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show. [the boys continue cheering, then stop and look at Mr. Meryl]\nStan: Craig's new show?\nMr. Meryl: All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look. [clicks Play. The boys turn around to look at the monitor. The animals on display now are wearing hats, but it's the same show as before otherwise.] That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He's like... an idea machine.\nButters: Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled?\nMr. Meryl: I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are!\nStan: Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.\nMr. Meryl: Yes. [begins to rock in his seat] And I guess your best wasn't good enough. [shows them the door]\nScene Description: In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behind them.\nStan: [stunned] I don't believe it.\nCartman: I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade!\nButters: Stupid news hair! [He removes his wig and kicks it away.]\nJimmy: Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.\nKyle: Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig.\nStan: Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever!\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence.\nKyle: What if we do a show where we- [stops] Uh, no.\nCartman: How about we have us, um... hmmm.\nStan: Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas?\nButters: Well, how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us?\nToken: We did that!\nJimmy: Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.\nStan: Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! [time passes. Stan begins to pace the floor again] How about we do... a show... with us... ughhh.\nKyle: Uhhh. What if the-?\nCartman: Wait, I've got it. [the boys turn and look at him] Crab people.\nStan: Crab people?\nCartman: They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground.\nStan: [looks at Cartman, then gets annoyed] Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people.\nButters: I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies.\nCartman: [his face buried in his hands] Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies!\nButters: Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says \"Well that's gonna add another hour to his time.\" [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh.\nCartman: How about we do a show where we kill Butters? [time marches on and the boys get sleepy, except for Butters]\nButters: [still reading the funnies, giggles, then laughs] So Dagwood says \"Good, guh-good thing we're playin' ...uh the back nine at your house.\" [laughs heartily]\nStan: We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.\nCartman: We have crab people. Just sayin'.\nKyle: Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine!\nToken: Cough medicine?\nKyle: That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.\nScene Description: South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle.\nButters: Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.\nKyle: How do we know which one to use?\nStan: \nCartman: That sounds perfect.\nJimmy: B-b-bingo!\nPharmacist: Can I help you boys?\nStan: Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.\nPharmacist: Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.\nKyle: It's not?\nPharmacist: No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.\nKyle: Oh, okay.\nPharmacist: Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.\nJimmy: Wha-what do you think, fellas?\nStan: I guess we'll just take all of 'em.\nPharmacist: That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave waiting for the pharmacist]\nHerbert Garrison: Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight.\nMr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ\nButters: Woo. We aren't havin' a party.\nHerbert Garrison: Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? [fakes a bad cough and nudges Mr. Slave] Us too. [coughs]\nMr. Slave: [coughs] Jesus. [coughs]\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup.\nKyle: [handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise.\nButters: [Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Eww, it's all thick and g-gooey.\nCartman: [taps at his notepad several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.\nKyle: Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle now has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right?\nJimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it.\nCartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas?\nButters: Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.\nScene Description: Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an animated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys.\nCartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away]\nScene Description: Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Kyle speak to him in weird altered voices.\nCartman: Oh dude, I just got the best idea!\nKyle: [with modulated voice] Me too! [they quickly write their ideas down in their notepads]\nScene Description: Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown.\nButters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [Butters rips off his clothes, except for his wig and runs away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.]\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in armchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy.\nCartman: Dude, this TV show is awesome.\nStan: It's... it's the greatest show of all time.\nKyle: I could watch this for days. [They are unknowingly watching Craig's show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats]\nThe boys: [without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute.\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters is still in his underwear with his head on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around.\nStan: You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused]\nKyle: Ah!\nButters: Huh?\nKyle: Butters, get away from me!\nButters: [looks down at his body] Oh J-Jesus, where are my clothes?!\nStan: We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.\nCartman: I-I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys]\nKyle: I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.\nStan: You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.\nToken: [still groggy] Yeah. It was great.\nStan: No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine!\nKyle: Jesus, you may be right.\nJimmy: Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives!\nAnnouncer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a shot of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here is Rick Cartman!\nCartman: [camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Coochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse.\nStan: [voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a shot of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise with his iconic yelp and running away] Behind the school! [a shot of the Goth kids downing cough medicine]\nPete: Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!\nStan: Even in the girls' bathroom! [a shot of Bebe and Red in the restroom viewed through an air vent. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent]\nBebe: [approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there?! I'll tell on you!\nStan: [a shot of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal!\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh my goodness!\nJimmy: P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fai-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.\nPrincipal Victoria: Well I... we...\nKyle: [steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a shot of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest]\nToken: The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula.\nCartman: And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch.\nButters: [from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uh, I'll keep my eyes open.\nStan: The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: riddled their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a shot of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze]\nScene Description: Mr. Meryl's office, later.\nMr. Meryl: Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings!\nKyle: Twenty-two people?! All right!\nCraig: [enters and moves past the other boys] You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?\nMr. Meryl: Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly.\nStan: [knowingly] Gee, what a coincidence.\nJimmy: I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?\nMr. Meryl: You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically. [Craig's jaw drops.]\nCartman: [gleefully] Haha! In your face, Craig!\nMr. Meryl: You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it!\nScene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at the table once again, sitting in silence.\nStan: Nobody has any ideas?\nCartman: This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head. [Token and Kyle sit across from him with no ideas either]\nKyle: Dude, bail?\nCartman: ...I think bail.\nStan: ...Bail. [everyone leaves the table]\nJimmy: Yep, b-b-b-bail. [the room is empty as the door closes off-camera.]\nScene Description: The last scenes are that of \"Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats\""}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Inside, a crowd awaits a special event. A small stage with \"PARIS\" written on it in large letters is set up before a red curtain. Wendy and Bebe arrive and make their way to the front.\nBebe: Come on, Wendy, we're gonna miss it!\nWendy: We're gonna miss what?\nBebe: Paris Hilton is making an appearance at the mall!\nWendy: Who's Paris Hilton?\nRed: \"Who's Paris Hilton?\"\nAnnie: You don't know?\nStore owner: [someone takes a picture as he approaches the mic.] Hello, everyone! The Guess Clothing Company is pleased to have as its new spokesperson model, a woman all you young ones can look up to, Ms. Paris Hilton. [she appears and flashbulbs go off amid squeals from females in the crowd. She then lifts her bra and shows off her breasts]\nBebe: Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over here!\nWendy: I don't get it. What's she do?\nAnnie: She's super-rich!\nWendy: ...But what does she do?\nRed: She's totally spoiled and snobby.\nWendy: [annoyed] What does she do?!\nMan: [walks by and overhears] She's a whore. [takes his camera and snaps a few pictures]\nParis: [her left eyelid hangs heavy] Hey everyone. Sorry if I'm a little spent. I did a whole lot of partying last night with a LOT of different guys. [coughs semen onto her left fist] Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Gouth Dark to announce the opening of my brand new store! A store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore! [the red curtain drops to reveal the store. The crowd cheers] Have fun, girls. And remember to party, and be super-lame to everybody. G'Bye! [steps aside and off-stage. An assistant awaits with water and a tote bag, which has a Chihuahua in it. She holds out a bottle of water] Give me that! Fucking Christ I need a drink! [vomits out feces, then drinks from the bottle. The assistant arms her with the tote bag] Where's my dog?! [walks off]\nScene Description: Stupid Spoiled Whore, inside. The girls rush in as the doors open and begin to mill around. Bebe leads Red, Annie, and Wendy around. Wendy's still stunned.\nBebe: Wow, look at all this great stuff. Stupid Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled Whore dolls.\nRed: [walks up to a display case] Hey, check it out: the new Paris Hilton perfume, Skanque. [grins and holds a heart-shaped bottle with the name on it]\nAnnouncer: Skanque.\nAnnie: [carrying some clothes] Oh yeah, let's get lots of that!\nWendy: You guys, don't buy this stuff! Why do you want to be like Paris Hilton?\nRed: It's not just Paris: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're all stupid spoiled whores!\nWendy: But the idea that we'll be whorish for money is belittling to our gender!\nBebe: [now with two armloads of clothes] Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more important than being rich is being famous!\nAnnie: Wow, you really sound like a dumb brat, Bebe.\nBebe: Thanks, Annie! [She, Annie, and Red walk away, and Wendy remains stunned]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, parking lot. Paris's chauffeur holds the limousine door open for her.\nParis: [quickly arrives and enters the limo] God, get me out of this hick town! What a bunch of rednecks! [the driver closes the door, starts up the limo, and drives off. Inside, she picks up her Chihuahua and starts talking to it, caressing it] Everybody's so fucking lame. Except for you, my little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy much, don't you? How much you wuv me? I'm gonna dress you up like a bunny, and then I'm gonna dress you up like a little princess. You're mine forever! [her cellphone rings and she answers it, releasing Tinkerbell.] Whatever! Oh, hey, Kasey. Oh, another stupid store opening at some lame cowboy town. [Tinkerbell jumps down from the seat and walks away dejected] Oh, it's so fucking stupid, this whole town stinks like cows. [Tinkerbell is up on the divider and looks down] I can't wait to get out of here! Grody!\nScene Description: Tinkerbell drops down onto the front seat\nParis: They have the lamest stores, too. [... walks over to the driver and digs around his right coat pocket ...] I'm gonna go to Rome for the weekend, I think. I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll be totally boring. [... and digs out a small gun from the pocket.] Stupid. [coughs some semen onto her left hand] Hagh. [Tinkerbell carries the gun back to the back seat...] I need to get wasted. I haven't had a drink in like fourteen minutes. Why is everybody so stupid anyway? [... and sets the gun down long enough to put the barrel against its chin. Tinkerbell then tries to set the gun off with her right hind leg. That doesn't work, so she stands the gun up on its butt and tries again] I flashed all these hicks with my boobs; you should've seen the look on their faces! Stupid redneck idiots!\nScene Description: The gun goes off and Tinkerbell falls over, her brain and blood splattering on the seat's back and rear window.\nParis: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!\nChauffeur: Oh dear...\nParis: Another dog killed itself!\nScene Description: A house. Two girls sit at a dining table doing nothing. Wendy enters and addresses them.\nWendy: Hey, Jessie [the blonde], Hey, Kal. Do you guys mind if I hang out with you? The other girls are acting really strange.\nJessie: Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to think of something to do.\nWendy: Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the art museum?\nJessie: Nah, that sounds really dull.\nKal: Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape of us having sex with boys! [Jessie likes the idea]\nWendy: What?!\nKal: I just got [brings out a box] the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset! [the set comes from Letcher Price and \"Makes you a whore and so much more!\"]\nSingers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!\nKal: You can make videos that get out on the Internet!\nJessie: Yeah! [Kal puts on some makeup as Jessie looks on]\nSingers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Show the whole world what a slut you are!\nAnnouncer: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes with video camera, night-vision filter, play money, cellphone, and sixteen hits of ecstasy. [nine hits are shown] [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone]\nSingers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Let everyone see your coo-ooch! [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone]\nKal: I'm pretending to be calling my friends on the cellphone while my man waits for more sex!\nJessie: You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore. [Wendy just turns right and walks away.] Where are you goin', Wendy?\nScene Description: The limousine. Paris is crying over the loss of Tinkerbell.\nParis: Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa!\nChauffeur: All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you another dog.\nParis: [throws a tantrum] Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!\nChauffeur: There there now, let's just get you back home, shall we?\nParis: Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo... [notices something outside] Wait! Wait, stop the car! [the limo proceeds] Stop the car, you fucking moron! [the limo stops] Look at how cuuute. I want that! I want that!\nButters: [playing with some apples on a checkerboard blanket on the front lawn] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, Loo loo loo, you've got some too.\nParis: It's adorable! [exits the limo and closes the door]\nButters: Loo loo loo, let's make some applesauce, take off our clothes and loo loo loo! [Paris approaches him]\nParis: Look at his wittle puff ball! [Butters is surprised] I'm gonna feed you, and take care of you, and call you Mr. Biggles! [kneels down and hugs him]\nButters: My name's Butters.\nParis: Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car. [the driver appears] I want to find a bear costume for him. Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a bear?\nChauffeur: Paris, I believe this is somebody's child.\nParis: I want it!\nChauffeur: I don't think you can actually-\nParis: I want it! I want it! [rocks back and forth]\nChauffeur: All right, all right, come on- come on, young man.\nButters: Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like to be your boyfriend and all, uh, even though you have kind of a big nose, but my parents told me, \"never get into a car with a stranger.\"\nParis: Well, did they say anything about limousines? [Butters thinks about it. An image of his parents appears]\nStephen: Butters, never get into a car with a stranger. Unless it's a limousine.\nButters: Yeah, actually, they did say that'd be all right.\nParis: [happily] Get in the limo, Mr. Biggles! We're gonna have a bear costume made for you!\nScene Description: Wendy's house, night. Her parents are watching TV and munching on chips on the sofa. She enters with her head down.\nAnnouncer: And now, back to The Price is Right! [Wendy sighs]\nMr. Testaburger: Hi, sweetie. What's the matter?\nWendy: Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about the role models young women have in today's society.\nMr. Testaburger: Oh?\nWendy: It seems that lewdness and shallowness are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon.\nMr. Testaburger: ...Gosh.\nWendy: I think young women are being marketed to by corrupt, moral-less corporations.\nMr. Testaburger: Well, get right on fixing that, sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right? [Wendy doesn't answer. Instead, she turns away and walks off slowly, and her parents go back to eating chips]\nWendy: [spins around and walks back] Dad, there's a new store at the mall called \"Stupid Spoiled Whore\" and I'm gonna go there and buy a thong!\nMr. Testaburger: [suddenly angered] What?! No daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore! We're marching down to that store right now, young lady!\nScene Description: Stupid Spoiled Whore, moments later. Wendy and her dad enter the store. He looks around.\nMr. Testaburger: Oh my God! Well, this place is-! Oh my God! [approaches a line of girls and their mothers.] Mrs. Faulk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter?!\nMrs. Faulk: [giggles] It's what's in right now. I, I can't have my little girl be the only one not in a trend; she'll be unpopular.\nMr. Testaburger: Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?! [Bebe and her mom now pay attention] But these are our girls!\nMrs. Stevens: I think it's empowering for them. I mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore, it's normal, but if a woman wants to be one, it's wrong. [the other females murmur in agreement]\nWoman 1: Yeah, when a man pees standing up, it's normal, but when a woman does it, it's weird.\nFemales: Yeah! Right!\nWoman 2: Yeah, like, when men shave their balls it's fine, but when a woman does it she's straaange.\nFemales: Yeah! Right! It isn't fair!\nTeen girl 1: All the girls in South Park are gonna be total sluts from now on, so you can just get used to it.\nTeen girl 2: [rubs her ass up against Mr. Testaburger] Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I want over there? I'll do anything, 'cause I'm a whore.\nMr. Testaburger: [more amenable now] Oh, uh, sure I can buy a purse.\nWendy: Dad!\nMr. Testaburger: Nope. Wendy, I think they're right. You see, you have to believe in the rights of women. For too long they've had to live a double standard. [enjoying the affection] Oh yeah. I'm sorry I've been so chauvinistic, Wendy. From now on, you can have whatever you want from this store, I'll help make you the stupidest, most spoiled whore of them all!\nFemales: Hooray!\nScene Description: The Stotch house, day.\nStephen: Butters, will you mind telling us why you're dressed up like a bear?\nButters: [dressed in a bear cub outfit] Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend dressed me up like this.\nStephen: Your girlfriend?\nParis: [enters the scene] There you are, Mr. Biggles! [picks Butters up and hugs him] Aw, I thought I'd lost you! [caresses him] Promise you'll never leave me. [his parents are stunned]\nLinda: Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton? You are grounded, mister!\nButters: I'm sorry.\nStephen: [turns his wife around] Uh, sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton worth a lot of money?\nLinda: Chris, she's more than twice Butters' age.\nStephen: Yes, and more than three billion times his net worth. Everybody adores that girl, darling. We should be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son! [they turn around]\nLinda: Uh, Paris, would you like to have some cocoa with us? [Paris coughs some semen onto her left hand and rubs it against the rug]\nParis: With schnapps and Scotch. [coughs some more semen onto her hand]\nScene Description: The dining table. The four persons are seated around it drinking cocoa, with Paris having a bottle of Scotch alongside the cocoa.\nStephen: So, Paris, I understand you're from the prestigious Hilton family. Very nice hotels.\nParis: I've gotta get outta here. This place is stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take Mr. Biggles with me.\nLinda: [stunned again] With you where?\nParis: To live with me forever and ever, you dumb broad. How much?\nLinda: How much? For Butters?\nStephen: Butters is our son. He's not for sale.\nParis: I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it. [Butters is afraid. Chris spits out his cocoa and puts down his cup]\nStephen: Excuse me?!\nParis: I said I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it! [Chris spits out his cocoa. Linda does so as well. Paris whips out a checkbook and pen] I'll write you a check for Mr. Biggles right now.\nLinda: Chris, is she serious?\nStephen: Ah, Butters, why don't you take Paris up to your room for a little while, uh, Mommy and Daddy have to talk.\nButters: [while Paris writes out a check] Mom, Dad, I-I love you. Please don't sell me to Paris Hilton.\nStephen: Butters, right now!\nScene Description: The living room, moments later. Chris paces the floor as Linda watches on.\nLinda: We aren't honestly considering this?\nStephen: Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She can give Butters everything he wants. We'd be terrible parents not to consider it.\nLinda: But he's our son!\nStephen: I know, darling, but look: we have to think about the rest of the family.\nLinda: The rest of the f- you do mean us?\nStephen: Yes, us, the rest of the family.\nScene Description: Upstairs, in Butters' room. The bed looks nice. Paris is now drunk from the Scotch she added to her cocoa.\nParis: What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank too much. [falls backward upon the bad] Oh my God, I'm so wasted! [her genitals are exposed] The room's all spinny. I'm... totally passing out. [she falls silent. Butters looks around, then reaches over with his left hand and touches her vagina a few times]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and kids clear the hall. Cartman is at his locker, and near him stand five girls. Wendy walks up to them.\nWendy: Hey, Bebe. I heard you were having a party tonight.\nBebe: You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid Spoiled Whore party.\nWendy: I'm a stupid spoiled whore. [her dress is relaxed: blue jeans and turquoise tank top with one strap over the right shoulder. The girls laugh at her reply]\nAnnie: Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class President and stuff!\nRed: Yeah, and you get straight A's in school!\nBebe: You're not even spoiled, because your parents give money to charity!\nRed: You don't want to go to this party, Wendy! We're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle, and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do ketamine.\nWendy: That's okay.\nAnnie: Oh, please, do you even know what ketamine is?\nWendy: Yes.\nAnnie: See? You are too smart.\nRed: Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine is.\nBebe: Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore. Get lost!\nGirls: Yeah. [Wendy turns around and walks off sadly. The others laugh at her, then move on to other topics]\nRed: Hey, we'd better start inviting boys to the party.\nSally Turner: Oooo, look, here comes Clyde.\nBebe: Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're invited. [Clyde walks by, wondering what these girls are on about]\nMillie: Mmm, I'd like a piece of that!\nRed: I wanna do him.\nAnnie: Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle. [Cartman, still at his locker, looks over. Kyle passes by]\nSally: Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy. [Cartman turns around to see what the girls see]\nMillie: I'd like to twizel his pixie stick.\nBebe: Party at my house tonight, Kyle.\nAnnie: Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great three-way. [Tweek and Jason walk by]\nRed: Yeah, they're invited too.\nSally: Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna get it, boys.\nBebe: Now here's what I'm talking about. [Token appears and walks by] A little midnight blue!\nMillie: Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft!\nAnnie: Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven! [Cartman clears his throat, closes his locker, and walks past the girls. Not one of them says a thing.]\nSally: Look, here comes Kevin. [Kevin appears and walks by]\nBebe: Hey Kevin, party at my house.\nMillie: I'd like to gargle his marbles.\nRed: Yeah, you said it. [Cartman runs back along the hall in such a way that the girls don't notice]\nSally: See you there, Kev. [Cartman tries again, and the girls notice.]\nCartman: \"Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite him to the party for sure.\" [the girls say nothing. Cartman stops, gets angry, and walks back to the first girl he saw, then flips each one of them off. He flips Red off with both hands.] Fuck you Millie, fuck you Annie, fuck you Bebe, fuck you whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch! [leaves.]\nScene Description: Butters' room. He's gotten interested in Paris' genitals, poking at them.\nButters: Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the darnedest thing I ever saw. [upon hearing a knock on the door, he gasps and stops probing Paris]\nStephen: Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton.\nParis: [awakens and sits up] Eugh. Where am I? Ew! This room's all middle-class and small!\nStephen: Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all night and... while your offer is enticing, I'm afraid we just can't sell you our son for two hundred million dollars. [Butters smiles] It'll have to be two hundred and fifty million, cash, up front.\nButters: Oh hamburgers!\nParis: Yay! Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever!\nButters: [jumps off the bed and runs to Linda] Please! Ah I don't want to live with her! She snores real bad, and she has a huge nose, and a squishy thing that lives in her pants! Please! Please don't sell me to her! [the parents look at each other]\nStephen: All right, Butters, tell you what: if you can raise the two hundred and fifty million dollars yourself, you can stay.\nButters: Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make that kind of money??\nStephen: It's called \"working\" young man! Your grandfather was a coal miner for fifty years; he never complained! Get out there and start digging!\nButters: Y-yes sir! [rushes out of the room] I-I gotta... mine some coal... really fast!\nStephen: [to Linda] That should keep him busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. Now, Ms. Hilton, how should we start? [they both grin]\nScene Description: Bebe's house, night. The living room is all decked out in disco furnishings. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling and harmless laser beams shoot here and there. The girls are enjoying themselves while the boys have mixed expressions.\nMillie: [stands next to the closet while a crowd of girls looks on] Okay, that's two minutes. You can come out, Clyde, Bab. [the door opens and Bab comes out grinning] How was he, Bab?\nBab: [winks at Clyde] We had a great time, didn't we Clyde?\nClyde: [walks out crying with his hands rubbing his butt] Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee. [a knock is heard at the front door and Red goes to answer it.]\nCartman: [dressed very casually, with hair slightly unkempt] Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here for the party.\nRed: [not fooled] Yeah? Who invited you?\nCartman: Oh, uh-uh Kelly. Kelly invited me.\nRed: Kelly who?\nCartman: Kelly Rutherfordmenskin.\nRed: [looks over her shoulder and calls out] Kelly Rutherfordmenskin?\nKelly Rutherfordmenskin: [approaches the door] Yeah?\nRed: Did you invite him?\nKelly Menskin: No! [goes back inside. Red closes the door on Cartman]\nCartman: Oh wait, wait, wait, aah it wasn't her. That's right, I forgot, it was uh... Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter?\nRed: [turns around and calls out] Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter?\nKelly Pinkertonstinfurter: [sharing a wading pool with Token and Heidi] What? [Red glares at Cartman]\nCartman: [under his breath] Oh, Goddammit!\nScene Description: Herbert Garrison's house, night. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's raining outside and thunderclaps roll soft and deep.\nHerbert Garrison: Oh, hello Wendy. Are you all right?\nWendy: No, I need help.\nHerbert Garrison: F-from from me?\nWendy: Actually, I was hoping to see your boyfriend.\nHerbert Garrison: Well sure, come on in. Mr. Slave is right over here. [the camera follows them over to Mr. Slave, who's dangling from the ceiling like a marionette. He's moaning in pleasure]\nMr. Slave: Oooooooooooh! Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ!\nHerbert Garrison: Mr. Slave, little Wendy from class wants to see you.\nMr. Slave: Oh, Hi Wendy. You need a little help with your math homework?\nWendy: No, I need help becoming a dirty whore like you\nHerbert Garrison: ...Oh dear. Mr. Slave, I think you and Wendy better have a little talk. I'll make some cocoa.\nScene Description: The sofa, moments later. Wendy and Mr. Slave sit side by side.\nWendy: Mr. Slave, you're the most perverted, lewd, depraved slut I know.\nMr. Slave: Thank you sweetie.\nWendy: Can you teach me your secret fast?\nMr. Slave: Honey, I didn't work to become a whore, I was born a whore. I've been one... ever since I can remember. [a shot of the toddler Slave crawling around on a bed] Ever since I was a little boy I seemed to enjoy... different things.\nLittle Slave: Mommy, I think I have a fever. Can you take my temperature? [his mom approaches and sticks a thermometer up his butt] Oooo, Jesus Christ. [grins]\nMr. Slave: As I got older, I felt that one boy was never enough.\nBoy slave: [sees a football practice and fakes a call] Hey, there's that queer kid. Let's tackle him! [holds out his arms and waits for the tackle]\nKid: Hey yeah, tackle the queer kid! [the players gang up on him. He seems to love the punishment] We'll show you, queer!\nBoy slave: Oooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh! Jesus Christ!\nMr. Slave: So you see, I can't make you into a whore, Wendy. But why would you want to be one anyway?\nWendy: Because all the other girls are. They're having a huge sex party right now and I'm not invited.\nMr. Slave: A what?! For God's sake, where?!\nScene Description: Butters' house, outside. Butters is at the side of the house shoveling dirt from a mound.\nButters: You work eighteen hours and what do you get? Parents sell ya to Paris Hilton. [a blue car pulls up alongside and stops]\nMan: Look at that. A bear, mining for coal.\nWoman: Huh, I never. [the car moves on. Butters' parents, Paris, and her driver approach him]\nStephen: Well, Butters, how'd it go? Did you dig up two hundred million dollars' worth of coal?\nButters: Well, no, not quite.\nStephen: Oh, well, too bad. [shows off the check] Ms. Hilton did raise the money, so you'll be going off with her.\nButters: [throws away his shovel] Ah, shucks! [moments later he follows Paris into the limo]\nLinda: Bye, sweetie, we love you!\nScene Description: Inside the limo, Paris gets her camera and aims\nParis: Smile Mr. Biggles! This time I have to get a picture of my new pet before anything happens. [snaps a picture]\nButters: Before what happens? [gets no answer, so looks around and sees her \"MY PETS\" photo album. He picks it up and leafs through it]\nScene Description: The shots are gruesome. First up is Tinkerbell, with the gun and blood splattered all over the place; then Patches, a French poodle that hung itself, shown dangling from the noose; then Scrambles, a cat that somehow managed to slit its front paws, lying in a bathtub full of water and blood; then Cuddles, a dog that committed harakiri.\nButters: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [throws the book away, gets out of the limo as fast as he can and runs away.]\nParis: [exits the limo] Mr. Biggles! Mr. Biggles, come back! [Butters' parents approach] You'd better help me find him! No Mr. Biggles, no money! [takes away the check]\nChris: Oh that trouble making son of ours! Butters! Butters, you get back here or you are grounded, mister!\nScene Description: Bebe's house, night. The party is still going strong. One Kelly, who had earlier been with Token, is chasing Kyle. Another Kelly chases Kevin. Red is coming on to Stan. Annie chases Kenny down and catches him. In general, the guys are being chased down by the girls. A girl with dark hair chases Craig, and is about to catch him. Annie talks to Kenny. Millie chases Tweek. Bebe chases Blue Cap. Mr. Slave kicks the front door open and enters with Wendy. Cartman appears behind then and enters.\nMr. Slave: Oh Jesus! [turns on the light] Kids, kids!\nAnnie: Ew, party foul!\nRed: Shut off the light.\nStan: Oh, thank God.\nMr. Slave: Girls, what on earth are you doing?\nBebe: We're being stupid spoiled whores. [grins]\nButters: [rushes in] H-help! You've gotta hide me! [opens the closet door and enters] Don't tell her I'm in here! [closes the door]\nBebe: What did you do, Wendy?! Go rat on us because you're not invited to our Paris Hilton party?!\nMr. Slave: Okay, I think this has all gone far enough! Now look, the last person you want to be like is Paris Hilton!\nParis: [approaches the house and enters] Mr. Biggles!\nMr. Slave: [unaware] Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she's a thoughtless, talentless lowlife!\nParis: Who the fuck are you calling a lowlife?!\nBebe: Wow, Paris Hilton is at my party! I rule!\nButters: [bolts out of the closet] HAAAAH! [Bab looks out from the closet, grinning]\nMr. Slave: Hon, will you just tell these girls that being a whore isn't such a great thing.\nParis: What isn't great about it? What's more to life than partying?\nMr. Slave: Look girls, I've partied a lot. Okay? And I'm telling you, there's more to life.\nParis: You don't even know what partying is, loser. [brushes him off]\nMr. Slave: Sweetie, really, don't go there, okay?\nParis: Oh I went there. I went there, took some pictures, and flew back already.\nGirls: Ooooo!\nAnnie: Wow, what a bitch. [smiles]\nMr. Slave: Sweetie, listen, I know you've done some \"partying\" in your private little rich life, but you don't even wanna know the kind of stuff I've done. I'm the real whore, and I'm telling you, it isn't great.\nParis: Oh yeah?! I challenge you to a whore-off!\nGirls: Ooooo!\nMen: [popping up out of nowhere] Whore-off! Whore-off!\nScene Description: South Park's Whore-off. A gazebo is set up for the event in South Park Square. A crowd gathers.\nOfficial: Ah, testing? Hello? [taps the mic a few times] Okay uh, welcome everyone. Uh, the South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual \"Who Is The Biggest Whore\" showdown. [the crowd cheers]\nBebe: Mr. Slave has no idea what he's in for.\nRed: Paris is gonna rock his world.\nOfficial: Ah, I'm... not quite sure how we... start this competition off, but uh-\nParis: [gets off her chair and walks over to the mic] I'll show ya how we start it off. [the music starts and she kisses him hard and grabbing his crotch]\nCrowd: Ohhh! [the girls are grinning, Wendy looks at the girls' reactions. Paris then has five men on stage with her, and one of them is licking her leg. Mr. Slave simply observes]\nWendy: [approaches Stan and friends, and Mr. Garrison] What is Mr. Slave doing? He-he's just sitting there.\nHerbert Garrison: Give him time, Wendy. Give him time. [cheers him on softly] Come on, Mr. Slave.\nParis: [throws the men off] Back off! None of you losers are enough for me! [whips out a pineapple from behind her back and stuffs it up her vagina] Eeeaaagh. Oh yeah. Aaaargh. [some gasps] Tada! [the crowd cheers and fireworks go off]\nRandy: Oh, no she di'int. [the crowd continues cheering]\nScene Description: Mr. Slave makes his move: he gets off his chair and walks over to Paris, then moves her around till he's satisfied she's where he wants her to be. The crowd falls silent and Mr. Slave walks back to his chair.\nMr. Slave: [dusts himself off and coughs] Jesus. [takes off his pants and takes a running leap towards Paris. He lands on her head and proceeds to swallow her up through his ass, with each swallow accompanied by a grunt. The first swallow takes her head; the second, her chest; the third, her abdomen and lower back; and the fourth takes the rest of her body.] Ohoho, Jesus. [the girls are stunned at what they just saw. The adults, the boys, and Wendy all cheer]\nHerbert Garrison: Now, that's a whore! [Stan and friends are still stunned. Mr. Slave goes back to his chair and puts on his pants]\nBebe: Wow, I guess Paris isn't such hot shit after all.\nMr. Slave: People, don't applaud me. I'm a dirty whore. [the crowd falls silent] Being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it?! You have to be the- [feels something in his stomach] ooohooho, Jesus Christ. You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people.\nMr. Stevens: The homosexual is right. From now on, Bebe, you're going to dress like a little girl. [the crowd disperses and the girls walk up to Wendy]\nBebe: Wendy, we're sorry we called you names. Like not-stupid and not-spoiled.\nRed: Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore.\nWendy: That's okay, you guys. [Butters and his family are shown next]\nStephen: So-so that's it? No two hundred million dollars? Well, Butters, I hope you're happy!\nButters: [turns right and walks away] I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old bear.\nStephen: You're a grounded old bear.\nScene Description: Deep within Mr. Slave's intestine, Paris is trying to claw her way out.\nParis: Oh my God, it's so gross! Let me out of here! [a light comes on in front of her - it's the Frog King] What the fuck is that?\nFrog King: Paris, you must find the way out of this place or you'll surely die.\nParis: What?\nFrog King: Make your way to the small intestine. There you will meet the Sparrow Prince, who can guide you to Catatafish. Now go, Paris Hilton. Make haste! [disappears]\nSingers: [End of Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset. Some singers sing the following song as Paris begins her journey] A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward Paris Hilton or you will soon be dead. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Paris Hilton, with all of your might. Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Stupid whore!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's yard, side of the house, day. The fourth grade boys are gathered there for some reason.\nClyde: I don't know, that looks pretty high up.\nButters: Yeah. I think it'd be better to start lower.\nStan: Dude, I really don't think it's smart, Cartman. [Cartman is shown at the edge of the roof wearing wings made from cardboard]\nCartman: This is gonna be totally cool, you guys.\nStan: It's not gonna work; just come down from there.\nCartman: [assessing the situation] ...Jeez, this looks a lot higher from up here.\nKyle: [arrives in time to see Cartman's attempt] What's going on?\nStan: Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof. [Kyle looks up to see what the others see. Cartman looks down]\nKyle: Do it! Do it!\nCartman: I'm gonna!\nCraig: I wouldn't if I were you.\nToken: Those wings don't look very strong.\nKyle: Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay, Cartman! Fly, fly, fly!\nCartman: Okay, here we go. [steps forward and gets ready to launch himself] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day, let us go on to-\nKyle: Awww, go on and do it already!\nCartman: Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this historic day, we remember the Wright Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose dreams and visions inspired generations.\nStan: [to Kenny] He's not gonna do it.\nCartman: And now, again, one man's vision ushers in a new era of aerial travel, proving the power of imagination and intellect. The magic... of flight! [he flaps his cardboard wings a few times to get some lift, then jumps off the roof. He heads straight for the ground and lands on his face with a grunt. All the boys are shocked and stand there frozen for several seconds. Stan is the first to leave, then Kyle, then the rest of them. Only Butters remains, and he turns to watch the others leave. After a few seconds of uncertainty, he leaves too.]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Cartman is in a recovery room with bruises on his face and a black left eye. The medical staff attends him. Outside, Ms. Cartman appears and rushes in to see Cartman.\nLiane: Oh my God! Eric! Eric, [caresses him] Mommy's here. Sweetie? [notices Dr. Doctor] Oh, what's wrong with him?\nDr. Doctor: I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly stupid. He thought he could fly with cardboard wings. The stupidity is so severe that it caused a fall, which has... put him into a deep coma.\nLiane: Coma... My God, fo- for how long?\nDr. Doctor: There's no telling. He may never recover. We'll just have to wait. And see. [the camera looks at Cartman, then pans up and fades out]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass, some time later. The camera pans down back onto Cartman, who is now covered in facial hair and a bandage around his head.\nSingers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years.\nCartman: Eugh... [sits up, his eyes still closed.]\nLiane: [stands up and drops her book] Oh my- Doctor! [Cartman blinks] He's awake! [the doctor and nurse return]\nCartman: Wheh? Where am I?\nLiane: Oh, you've finally come back! It's a miracle!\nDr. Doctor: You're at the hospital, Eric. You've been in a coma for some time.\nCartman: Coma... How long?\nDr. Doctor: It's been two... days. Nurse, you can remove his face-warmer now.\nNurse: Yes, Doctor. [tugs at the facial hair and it comes off.]\nDr. Doctor: Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head trauma. Your road to recovery will be long and arduous. At least another two days. [a shot of the hospital's exterior, then back to the recovery room, where Liane is giving Cartman a glass of chocolate milk]\nSingers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years.\nLiane: You're doing so much better, muffin.\nCartman: Why the hell do I have to share my room with other patients?! This is bullcrap!\nLiane: Oh, you're sounding just like your old self again.\nDr. Doctor: [at another patient's bed] I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing we could do.\nYates: Damnit! Another murder victim! For three years the Left-Hand killer has been at large and I've exhausted every lead! Maybe... I just don't have what it takes to be a cop anymore.\nMurphy: We'd better get back to the station, sir.\nCartman: Good, because you assholes have kept me up for three hours!\nYates: All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on a second, where are, where are my car keys?\nCartman: Probably in your front pocket, dumbass!\nYates: [fishes around in the front shirt pocket and is surprised to find them there, then turns to the doctor] Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffered head trauma?\nDr. Doctor: Yes, it was pretty severe.\nMurphy: What is it, Lou?\nYates: I've... heard cases where people suffering head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities.\nMurphy: Aw, come on, sir.\nYates: I know it's ridiculous, [turns right and walks off] but I'm gonna explore every possibility I can! [Murphy follows. They arrive at Cartman's bed] Hello, young man, could we have a quick word with you?\nCartman: Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in any minute with my lunch.\nNurse 2: Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time. [the officers are amazed at how timely the nurse came with the lunch]\nYates: Young man, how did you know the nurse was gonna walk in just now?\nCartman: I don't know, I just knew it. [receives the tray from the nurse and sniffs] Aww man, this smells like meatloaf. Again?!\nNurse 2: Yep, meatloaf again. [the officers get a little frightened]\nMurphy: Jesus, how did he...?\nYates: Little boy... [whispers to himself] Well it's a snowball's chance in hell but... [back to Cartman] we were wondering if you could come down and see if your... new powers could help us catch the killer.\nLiane: His new... powers?\nScene Description: Stark's Pond, newly restored from the demolished Wall Mart, much bigger than it was before, night. A crime scene at the docks is shown, complete with boat floating around.\nFemale Detective: All right, make sure you get pictures of everything in this crime scene. [one officer takes pictures, another handles evidence gingerly. Nearby, a police tape is lifted so Cartman could check out the scene]\nOfficer 1: Who's the kid?\nOfficer 2: He's supposed to be some kind of psychic.\nOfficer 1: Aw, Christ!\nYates: [with Murphy, Liane, and Cartman] This is... where the body was found. [overhead shot] Multiple stab wounds, just like all the others.\nCartman: How come the outline is missing its hand?\nMurphy: The killer always cuts off the left hand of his victim, and keeps it as a trophy. [Cartman walks around the outline, inspecting it.]\nYates: Stand back, give him room! [moves to hold the crowd back] Come on, kid, concentrate! What do you see in your mind?\nScene Description: Cartman begins to concentrate and his eyes begin to twitch. First he sees a cupcake with chocolate topping and sprinkles, then powdered doughnuts, then a cup of vanilla ice cream - with sprinkles being added.\nCartman: Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate sprinkles... [he sees a hand holding Double-Stuff Oreo] Double-Stuff Oreos... [a second hand comes up and twists off the lower cookie] He ... He's taking the top of one and... [squeezes his eyes closed and sees another Oreo attached to the first one so there are two fillings between the cookies] ...and he puts it together to make Quadruple-Stuffs! [the detective writes down what Cartman is seeing] I see...ice cream, and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs!\nYates: Jesus Christ!\nMurphy: Sir?\nYates: Tom Johansen, the owner of the ice cream shop!\nScene Description: Tom Johansen's house, night. The detectives ring his doorbell and he answers.\nTom Johansen: Yes? Oh, hello, detectives.\nYates: Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick word with you?\nTom Johansen: Sure, come on in! [he backs up and leads them in. The lead detectives calls in some officers hidden nearby, and they come in] I'm afraid the house is a little bit of a disaster area since I have-\nYates: Get him! [the officers tackle Tom Johansen and beat him harshly with their batons] Code 6! Code 6!\nOfficer 3: Use the taser! Use the taser! [another officer fires a taser into Tom Johansen, who then convulses and falls to the floor]\nOfficer 4: Do it again! [the officer shocks Tom Johansen again, causing more convulsions]\nScene Description: Tom Johansen's house outside, front. Police cars and vans have gathered outside and the siren lights are still rotating.\nOfficer 3: He put up a hell of a fight, but we got him!\nTom Johansen: Why?! Why?! [the officers haul him away]\nYates: Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped the biggest killer in South Park history.\nMurphy: We would give you a reward, but I guess that knowing the people of South Park are safe again is reward enough.\nCartman: Guess again.\nMurphy: [walks over and hands him some money] All right, here's a hundred dollars.\nCartman: Wow!\nYates: [to Liane] His powers are uncanny. Take good care of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses his powers... for good.\nLiane: Oh, he will. My little poopsiekins is a very good little boy.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Cartman runs down the hall.\nCartman: I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have super-awesome powers and you don't.\nKyle: [walks up. Other kids gather behind him] Cartman, what did you do?!\nCartman: Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my new psychic abilities to catch the serial killer. And I made a hundred bucks! [shows off the money]\nKyle: Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop! He wasn't a killer and you know it!\nCartman: Then why did I see ice cream and cookies when I closed my eyes?\nKyle: Because you're a fucking fatass, that's why!\nCartman: Do not doubt my powers, Kyle!\nKyle: You don't have any powers!\nCartman: Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make your head explode with a single thought!\nButters: Wuh be careful, Kyle.\nKyle: He can't do crap!\nCartman: Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at! [closes his eyes and starts making sound effects and hand motions. The boys behind Kyle except Stan and Kenny scatter, and the detectives spot him as they enter the school.]\nYates: There he is! Hey, Eric! Eric! [they approach him, he turns around] We've got a little problem.\nCartman: What?\nYates: While the ice-cream store owner was in jail, another murder was committed.\nMurphy: This body also had a missing hand and a bowl of corn flakes next to it!\nYates: Which can only mean one thing!\nKyle: Ha! You see?!\nYates: That a copycat killer is on the loose! We need your psychic abilities to catch this new guy right away!\nKyle: What?!\nMurphy: We'll pay you up front this time! We've gotta catch this new guy before he kills again.\nCartman: I'm afraid that my powers... are not for sale. ...And by that I mean they absolutely are for sale. Let's go!\nScene Description: Field report.\nChris Swollenballs: Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside of town, where police have discovered the first victim of the serial copycat killer. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman is now arriving on the scene. [Cartman approaches the body, which is covered with a red blanket]\nScene Description: The crime scene.\nKyle: This is fuckin' ridiculous!\nLou: Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing anything?\nCartman: No. Nothing.\nOfficer 5: Maybe his powers have left him.\nOfficer 6: Yeah.\nCartman: Wait a minute. [his right arm twitches and he sees a bucket of chicken, then sees some chicken served next to the powdered doughnuts he saw earlier. His eyes are squeezed tight.] Fried chicken! It's tender and it's fresh! [sees some syrup poured onto the chicken] There's maple syrup... Maple syrup's being put on the chicken!\nKyle: What the hell is wrong with these people?!\nMichael Deets: [in robe and cap] They're never gonna catch the serial killer. He's too smart. Do you want to see my cotton panties? [whips open his robe to reveal himself dressed in a yellow bikini. The boys look on, a little afraid]\nKyle: Hey! What about this guy?!\nMurphy: Quiet! He's havin' a vision!\nCartman: It is fried chicken! [first he sees a plate of fried chicken, then the maple syrup, then some whipped cream, then some chocolate syrup, then a cherry on top...] Oh my God. It's a fried chicken sundae.\nWeird Man: [brings out a mannequin torso and head and strikes up a conversation with it] \"Junior, what are you doing out?\" I'm sorry, Mother. \"You come home right now and have sex with me!\" No, Mommy! [goes away]\nKyle: Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy is?!\nLou: I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll have you arrested for interfering with the law!\nScene Description: The News 4 logo and screen come up on a TV.\nAnnouncer: This is Park County News 4, with your host, Jim Brown-ish\nJim Brown-ish: The copycat killer of the cut-off-the-left-hand killer has been arrested. Police used the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind psychic detective. At the crime scene, the young psychic had visions flash before his mind, and the police immediately arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The young man's visions were so astounding that other police departments have sought out his help.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's in his room counting the money he's made from his psychic work.\nCartman: If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. [someone knocks on his door, then the door opens]\nLiane: Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people here to see you.\nCartman: More people need to make use of my phenomenal gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring.\nLiane: Ah, no, these people claim that they are the \"real\" psychic detectives. [Cartman stops counting money and freezes]\nScene Description: Living room, moments later. Liane and Cartman enter.\nFemale psychic: So, you are the little boy who's been taking all our work?!\nLiane: Oooh, I'll go make some tea.\nMale Psychic 1: Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go through the proper channels to become a psychic detective like we all did.\nOther psychics: Yeah!\nCartman: Proper channels?\nMale Psychic 2: You were supposed to fill out the form on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty five dollar fee for the degree from the Psychic Detective School. [shows the ad in question. Looks nice]\nCartman: I was given my gift from a tragic accident. I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective School.\nMale Psychic 1: Well you just can't say you're a psychic detective, you have to use the ad in the comic book!\nFemale psychic: You must pay the twenty five dollar fee and give us ten percent of your earnings!\nCartman: [laughs at them] Ten percent, my balls, get lost!\nFemale psychic: Very well, then you give us no choice. Roger?\nScene Description: Roger steps out from behind the sofa and prepares to battle Cartman psychically. Cartman simply observes, then responds. He and Roger \"battle\" with sound effects and hand gestures.\nFemale psychic: All right, everyone! [the rest of the psychics join in the battle against Cartman. Liane returns with the tea.]\nLiane: Oh, goodness! What's going on?\nCartman: Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic battle of minds!\nLiane: O-o-o-o-oh! [prostrates herself]\nFemale psychic: Enough! [one male psychic is slow to respond] We are ...obviously quite evenly matched. I guess this will have to be settled in court.\nCartman: In court?\nFemale psychic: We brought a class-action lawsuit against you! We'll see you before the judge tomorrow! [the psychics turn and walk out]\nLiane: Is it over? [the front door closes after the last psychic leaves]\nScene Description: A camera shutter is heard and a picture of Ms. Crabtree appears, with blood next to her left cheek. Her left hand is missing. A detective continues taking pictures.\nMurphy: [reading from a fact sheet] Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, bus driver for the elementary school. She was considered an ancillary character, one the fans wouldn't miss much.\nYates: Jesus Christ! Cause of death?\nMurphy: Same M.O., sir. Multiple stab wounds, left hand cut off and missing.\nYates: So you're telling me somebody new is now copying the crimes of the copycat killer?! Jesus! Where will it end?! [goes to a nearby tree to think] Every time I put a killer behind bars, another guy just steps in and takes his place! What am I doing wrong?!\nKyle: [arriving with Stan and Kenny] Excuse me, sir? I think I know who did this. We saw this guy at the last crime scene, and, and you know how serial killers sometimes return to the scene of the crime? Well, I followed this guy to his house, and when he left again, I collected some fingerprints and did a blood-sample analysis. [holds out his findings] I'm pretty sure he's your man.\nLou: [coolly] How do you know?! Are you psychic?!\nKyle: No.\nLou: Look, kid, don't waste my time with your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus! I have to find this new killer now! I owe it to that victim over there! I know she hadn't been in any recent episodes, but dammit she deserved better than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta talk to Eric Cartman again! [leaves with Murphy]\nKyle: Why won't anybody listen to me?!\nKenny: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] (Don't take it personally, Kyle.)\nKyle: [shrugs Kenny off] I am taking it personally because Cartman is a retard! Just because he hit his head and went into a coma doesn't mean he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people to listen to me, I just have to be as stupid as Cartman.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle is standing at the edge of the roof at the side of his house, sporting his own cardboard wings.\nStan: Dude, I really don't think that's a good idea!\nToken: There has to be another way!\nKyle: Be sure to take me to the same hospital!\nButters: Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean.\nStan: [under his breath] Butters, Goddammit.\nKyle: All right, here we go. [spreads his wings] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day we remem- aw, screw it! [jumps off and lands on the ground below]\nStan: [a few moments later, sighs] Call an ambulance.\nScene Description: Channel 4 News. A picture of handcuffs is shown, with \"ARRESTS MADE\" above it.\nJim Brown-ish: Multiple arrests were made today for the murder of Hillary Neals. Police raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m., where seven psychic detectives were staying. [footage of the arrests is shown. Two of them are beaten, a third is slammed against a squad car until the side of her head begins to bleed, and a fourth holds police at bay. He tries to fight them with his powers, but they simply open fire and kill him where he stands] The psychic detectives' horrible crime was found out by psychic detective Eric Cartman, [shown in dramatic pose with psychic waves emanating from his forehead] who is now the only psychic not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence.\nScene Description: Cartman watches the news from the sofa in the living room at his house.\nCartman: Cool. [the doorbell rings and Cartman concentrates] Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come in, Kyle! [the door opens and the weird man from the crime scenes enters and approaches Cartman] Who are you?\nMichael Deets: You. You give everyone else credit for my work, because you fail to see my greatness.\nCartman: ... 'Kay. Sweet.\nMichael Deets: Because of you, nobody knows the extent of my deeds.\nCartman: Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second. [hops off the sofa, walks away a bit, and calls out] Mom, there's some homeless guy here. Make him go away. [the weird man quickly advances and smothers Cartman's face with a cloth, making Cartman inhale chloroform. Cartman passes out.]\nScene Description: Next scene is an unknown place. Cartman is strapped down to a wheelchair. He awakens and struggles a bit.\nCartman: Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?!\nMichael Deets: You are obviously a big fan of my work.\nCartman: I don't even know you dude!\nMichael Deets: But I am the serial killer! The one whose rightful place in history you have smirched!\nCartman: Oh, Jesus.\nMichael Deets: And now you will have a place of honor, as my nineteenth victim.\nCartman: No! No, you don't wanna kill me. Please, I'll give you anything you want!\nMichael Deets: Before you die, let me show you the things that I've done, so you will understand the breadth of my transformation! [starts up a slideshow projector] This... is me at the grand canyon. [shows a shot of him there] Do you see? This is me at Mount Rushmore [the next picture is shown, with him looking lovingly at the faces there] Do you see?\nCartman: [nervously] Heheh.\nMichael Deets: Do you see?!\nCartman: Yes yes, I see! [another Mount Rushmore picture is shown, with the man looking at the camera this time]\nMichael Deets: Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio. [this time he looks psychotic, with his hands ready to grab something] This was just outside of the gift shop. Do you see?!\nCartman: AAAAAAAH!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night.\nYates: [hangs up the phone] Dammit! Dammit all to hell! They just found another body! That means a fifth copycat killer is on the loose! Where's my psychic?!\nFemale Detective: Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says her son hasn't been home for a couple of hours.\nOfficer 7: Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital! He says another little boy just awoke from a coma, and is having psychic visions!\nYates: [grabs his hat] Let's go! [other officers follow]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. Dr. Doctor leads them into the recovery room.\nDr. Doctor: This is the young man here. He was in a coma for over sixteen hours. [a shot of Kyle with a bandage around his head. He too has a face warmer on, but no black eye like Cartman had]\nYates: Doctor, could you remove his face warmer? We'd like to speak with him.\nDr. Doctor: Of course. Nurse? [a brunette approaches and removes the warmer. Sgt. Lou and Det. Murphy approach the bed]\nYates: Young man, the doctor said you've had some... visions about our newest murder?\nKyle: I see... a man... with a baseball cap. [Sgt. Lou snaps his fingers and Det. Murphy whips out a notepad and pen and starts taking notes. Kyle concentrates] He's killing now... Oh! I'm seeing it all flash before my eyes! The guy's name is Michael Deets, and he lives at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually there between seven and eleven p.m.\nYates: What do you think, Mitch?\nMurphy: I don't know. How do we know this kid is really psychic? I mean, this boy is certainly no Eric Cartman. [Kyle clenches his teeth in rage]\nYates: All right, we'll check this Deets guy out. But let's use that one thing that we never use.\nMurphy: ...Sir?\nYates: You know, what's that one thing that starts with an R that we never use?\nMurphy: ...Restraint?\nYates: Yeah, yeah, restraint. We'll check this guy out, but let's use some restraint. [they leave]\nScene Description: Michael Deets' basement. He's still showing Cartman his slides.\nMichael Deets: Look! Look at the things I've done! Here I am at Yellowstone National Park! [shows off the picture] Do you see?! Here are pictures of my trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days. Do you see?!\nCartman: Oh, God! I'm so bored! Somebody help me! [the doorbell is heard. The two detectives are outside, Yates ringing the doorbell. Michael Deets opens the door]\nYates: Good evening, sir. We're Park County detectives. We were just wondering if we could take a quick look around your house, Misterrr...\nMichael Deets: God.\nYates: Well, Mr. God, it won't take but a second; it might help us with an investigation. [he shows them in. The house is dark, with stacks of paper everywhere. Pictures of his victims line the walls. Downstairs, Cartman tries to get attention.]\nCartman: (Hey! Come over here!)\nYates: I see you like cutting the eyes out of photos of women. My son is a big fan of that, too.\nMurphy: Sarge! In here! [Lou runs into the next room. They both face a wall of left hands nailed in place]\nYates: Jesus H... That boy was right! Arrest that guy! [Murphy gets right on it. Yates thinks about the hands] Whoa-whoa-wait-wait-hey-wait-wait-yo! Oh, wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong.\nMurphy: Sir?\nYates: This isn't the guy. The serial killer always cuts off the victims' left hands.\nMurphy: Right.\nYates: Well those aren't left hands. [holds up his own left hand, palm in] See, on your left hand, the thumb faces to the left. Those are all right hands.\nMurphy: Ohhh. [they return to the living room]\nYates: Nope, this isn't our man. [they turn to leave the house and see Michael Deets in the shadows] We're sorry, Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your time. [they head out]\nCartman: [in the basement] (Hey! Help!) [upstairs, Mr. Deets closes the front door]\nMurphy: Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that guy had a bunch of hands on his wall. Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was a killer.\nYates: [stops and thinks] Yeah... Amazing coincidence...\nMurphy: [backs up] Heh- sir?\nYates: Call it police intuition, but somethin' in there just didn't feel right. [thinks for several seconds] Wait a minute.\nMurphy: Sarge... [Lou slowly raises his hand palm in and analyzes it. Then he turns his hand over slowly until the palm is out and is jolted with recognition] What is it?\nYates: I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run some tests. [runs off to do just that]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Montage. Yates types away at his computer, then analyzes his left hand again, then returns to the keyboard. He then goes to the lab and looks over his notes. Next to him are two hands, one right and one left. He rotates the right hand so both thumbs point to the left, from his POV, then takes more notes. He develops some pictures in the darkroom and finds matching hands. He works with a 3D model drawing with another computer, then traces his left hand on a wall and takes measurements. He returns to the lab and works with some chemicals. Next he chops some firewood into smaller chunks. Next he's at a gym jumping rope. Next he's at a beach far from South Park playing volleyball with some women. Next he's repairing the body of a car with a welding torch...\nYates: [back at the station, looks in on Murphy] Murphy, do you remember what I was supposed to be doing?\nMurphy: Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands, sir? Uh, for the serial killer?\nYates: [snaps his fingers] Oh right! The hands! Right! [the montage resumes]\nScene Description: Again he goes to his computer and types away then he's back at the lab taking pictures of the two fake hands there, then makes silhouettes of a dog, then models another hand in the computer and gets a match.\nYates: Oh my God. Murphy! [Murphy appears quickly.] You're not gonna believe this.\nScene Description: Michael Deets house, basement. Michael Deets has resumed showing his pictures to Cartman. A picture of him at Ocean World's Splash Zone is shown, then a blank. He turns the projector off.\nMichael Deets: That's it, no more pictures. [walks in front of Cartman and faces him, then pulls out a sharp knife] Time to die.\nCartman: No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people credit for your killings. Ahah, it was, it was very wrong for me to lie about the other psychics and get them arrested.\nMichael Deets: Your hand will be one with the others.\nCartman: Please just let me go! Ah, I'm gonna tell everyone I'm not really psychic! I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't wanna- [spots the detectives descend the stairs and approach the room] I don't wanna have to use my psychic mind missile on you! [begins to concentrate and make noises]\nYates: Hold it right there, killer! [Michael Deets turns and rushes at them with the knife. Yates fires three shots into him, killing him. The detectives advance, and Yates fires a forth shot into the body, looks around, and fires a fifth shot, getting blood splattered on himself]\nCartman: You got here just in time. He was gonna kill me because he was insanely jealous of my incredible psychic ability.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The detectives, the psychics, Mr. Johansen, Dr. Docter, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are present.\nYates: Well young man, you did an amazing thing. Not only did your psychic visions help us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent people are out of jail.\nTom Johansen: Yes, thank you very much, Kyle.\nFemale psychic: Yes, thanks.\nMurphy: You're certainly a better psychic then Eric.\nKyle: No, don't you see? Cartman never had psychic visions. And neither do these people. The plain simple truth is that nobody is psychic. There's a logical explanation for every psychic story you've ever heard.\nMurphy: Do you think that's true?\nYates: It must be true. The kid is psychic. [thinks a moment] But I don't suppose it really matters much. Because in the end, the way I caught the killer was with... good old-fashioned police work. Come on, Murphy. [they leave the room and then the hospital]\nFemale psychic: [addressing Cartman] Well young man, I guess that just leaves one score to settle.\nCartman: You can't hurt me.\nMale psychic: Then let this be our final battle! [the psychics face Cartman once again and battle him with their power. Nothing happens, but there's a lot of noise.]\nKyle: [irritated] Just stop it! [at the top of his lungs] Stoop iiit!! [the lights go out as the bulbs shatter, then the shelf above his bed falls and everything on it hits the floor. The psychics and Cartman stop their battle and witness all this] There's a logical explanation for that."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator mentions them.\nNarrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store. But out in the forest, not too far away...\nScene Description: A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate it.\nNarrator: ...The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day.\nWoodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas!\nNarrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, And each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear. Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house. And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat.\nStan: [walks by with a sled] What the hell?\nSinger: Christmastime is once a year Every critter holds it dear Every animal big or small Christmas means so much to us all\nScene Description: The forest. The critters approach Stan.\nRabbity: Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest.\nSkunky: How do you like our Christmas tree?\nStan: It's... nice.\nBeavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the others cheer]\nMousey: Oh no, I see a problem.\nDeery: What is it, Mousey?\nMousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star!\nCritters: Awww.\nBeary: We can't have a tree with no star on it.\nRabbity: What are we gonna do?\nSquirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star.\nCritters: [among other things] Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us?\nStan: Okay, okay.\nCritters: [cheering] Yay!\nNarrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree.\nCritters: Ohhhh!\nBeary: It's the nicest star I ever saw.\nNarrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile...\nBeavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?\nNarrator: The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said...\nStan: [doesn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home. [turns around, picks up the reins on his sled and walks off]\nBeavery: Goo- goodbye Stanny!\nCritters: Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat!\nStan: Woof.\nScene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns over, and turns on his light.\nCritters: Hi, Stanny!\nStan: Oh, whatta? [squeezes his eyelids shut]\nNarrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes!\nStan: [irritated, grabs his clock] What time is it?!\nSquirrely: You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!\nSkunky: Porcupiney is pregnant!\nStan: [sighs] You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow.\nMousey: I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization.\nDeery: Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her conception was immaculate.\nFoxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior.\nStan: ...What?\nPorcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day.\nMousey: So soon!\nSkunky: How delightful!\nWoodpeckery: Our souls are saved!\nChickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer]\nSquirrely: [hops onto Stan's bed] There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in.\nCritters: Awwww.\nBeary: But we got to have a manger.\nRabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh?\nCritters: (Cheers)\nNarrator: \"Of course I'll build you a little manger!\" the little boy cried, and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!\nScene Description: The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place.\nNarrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head.\nRabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw.\nMousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord.\nRaccoony: Does this mean we can go to sleep now?\nPorcupiney: My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest.\nWoodpeckery: Fit for a king!\nSquirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!\nWoodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near -\nStan: [as they sing] All right, I'm going now. [He ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.]\nCritters: The mountain lion! Hide! [They scatter, leaving Stan to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree.]\nStan: Go away! Shoo! [The lion moves off and the critters return.]\nSquirrely: Is it gone?\nMousey: I deduce it is.\nSkunky: [behind a low tree] I'm not c-c-comin' out.\nFoxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again.\nStan: Again?\nSquirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord.\nPorcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.\nBeavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born.\nCritters: Awwww! [some of them sob]\nSquirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Stanny!\nRaccoony: Of course! Stanny can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!\nPorcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer]\nScene Description: The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays.\nNarrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat...\nStan: Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!\nNarrator: Said the little boy in the red poofball hat.\nNarrator: Killing a mountain lion was no easy task, But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.\nStan: [gesturing] Grrr! Grrr! Come on out! [The lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance.] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [Anticipating the lion's leap, he runs off. The lion lunges at him, but misses. Stan moves to the side of the peak and turns, gesturing.] Rawrrrrr! [Stan runs up the side of the peak, and the lion follows. Stan reaches the peak and turns to face the lion. The lion lunges at Stan again. Stan drops out of the way and the lion goes over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance.]\nNarrator: In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.\nScene Description: The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless and approaches.\nStan: Okay, there. [three lion cubs approach the entrance]\nLion cub 1: Mommy? Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!\nLion cub 2: Don't leave us, Mommy. [Stan realizes that this dangerous mountain lion was a mom, so his jaw drops. The pale cub approaches him.] Man-boy, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why?\nStan: [at a loss for words] I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior? [The cubs snuggle close to their mom's body, sobbing.]\nNarrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died.\nStan: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut] Aw- awww!\nScene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire close to the manger and are keeping warm by it.\nPorcupiney: [feeling a kick] Oooo.\nBeary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney?\nPorcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.\nBeavery: Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead.\nFoxy: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole.\nRabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew.\nCritters: Awwww.\nChickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Stan approaching them]\nCritters: Stanny! [they gather in front of him]\nMousey: Stanny, you're alive.\nBeary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?\nStan: It's dead.\nDeery: For real and for true?\nBeavery: Are you sure?\nStan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.\nSquirrely: He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!\nCritters: Hail Satan!\nStan: Wait, wha-what?\nBeavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!\nCritters: Yaaay!! [they head over to the manger]\nStan: Wai-wait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior!\nSquirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.\nStan: But I thought you meant the Son of God!\nDeery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?\nChickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!\nFoxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!\nRabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!\nScene Description: The other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls up a Satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a sacrificial blade. The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw.\nChickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood!\nSquirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy!\nCritters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!\nScene Description: The critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hops onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y and Woodpeckery start flitting around. In the background is heard \"Sting, so true!\" Stan stares, traumatized.\nCritters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas.\nSquirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan.\nScene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and decorate it with Satanic symbols, including (what is presumably) Rabbity's skull. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room.\nNarrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day. And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat. All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat.\nStan: Ugh.\nNarrator: Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen, there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed.\nStan: Uuugh!\nNarrator: \"I know!\" he said with a new happy grin, \"I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!\"\nStan: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk] No, no-no-no.\nNarrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV. \"The Jeffersons\" theme song is heard.] And went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan ignores the narrator and continues to watch the TV.] He tried to forget all about it by watching TV, But his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee... [He turns the volume up to drown out the narrator, but to no avail.] He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Stan rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!\nStan: Leave me alone!!\nNarrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he -\nStan: All right, all right, all right! God! [He turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor.]\nScene Description: The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue decorating.\nBeavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny. [the other critters turn and look]\nWoodpeckery: Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time!\nDeery: Yeah. We've got a big problem.\nSquirrely: The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into.\nChickadee-y: That way he could take over the whole world! The whole world!\nMousey: The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ.\nBeavery: We figured you'd be perfect!\nCritters: Yay!\nStan: I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian!\nCritters: Awwwww.\nBeary: But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist.\nDeery: Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critter C-Christmas after all.\nSquirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human.\nChickadee-y: Will you really, Stanny?\nStan: No! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this!\nBeavery: To stop us?\nBeary: But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya.\nStan: Right, whatever. [turns around] I'm taking down the manger I built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of hellfire appears before Stan.] Ah! [The wall gets higher.] Aaaah! [All the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Black crows swoop down and attack Stan.] Aagh! Aaaahh! [A two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off in terror.] AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! [The critters' eyes revert back to normal.]\nBeary: Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick!\nChickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day!\nSquirrely: Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion.\nSkunky: And you got rid of her.\nCritters: Yay!\nNarrator: The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill. Then he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill!\nStan: Oh yeah.\nScene Description: The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again.\nStan: Hello? Anybody in there? [the three cubs appear at the entrance of the cave]\nLion cub 3: Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!\nLion cub 1: He's come to kill us now!\nLion cub 2: It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways.\nLion cub 3: Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around.\nStan: Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil.\nLion cub 1: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister?\nStan: I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion!\nLion cub 3: Yeah, and you killed her.\nStan: Well, you're mountain lions.\nLion cub 2: Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth.\nLion cub 1: And our baby claws.\nLion cub 3: And a dead mom.\nStan: There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby.\nLion cub 3: What? You mean like in an abortion?\nLion cub 2: Yeah. An abortion. That can work.\nLion cub 1: But, we don't know how to give abortions.\nLion cub 3: Do you know some place we can learn, mister?\nNarrator: \"Where can they learn that?\" the boy said with a frown. \"I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town.\"\nStan: [cross] What?!\nNarrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed. And took them to where abortions are performed.\nStan: No, he didn't.\nNarrator: Yes, he did.\nStan: No, he didn't!\nNarrator: Yes, he did.\nStan: No, he didn't!\nNarrator: Yes... he... [Next scene has Stan holding the cubs at the abortion clinic as the doctor there prepares to abort a baby.] did!\nStan: Oh, Goddammit! [the doctor and patient are startled]\nNarrator: Said the boy in the red poofball hat! \"We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!\"\nDoctor: [walks over] Excuse me, what are you doing here?!\nNarrator: The abortion doctor inquired.\nDoctor: If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required!\nStan: I don't know, I- I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it's ridiculous.\nDoctor: Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform! It's only three days until Christmas, so I have lots of abortions to perform! Gather around my table, cute little lions, I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!\nNarrator: And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base, And all day watched abortion after abortion take place.\nScene Description: Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient leaves, and the next one is worked on. Lion cub 2 is on a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The doctor works on the next patient and Lion cub 3 brings him some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and she smiles at them.\nSinger: Christmas time is once a year. Every critter holds it dear. Every animal big or small, Christmas means so much to us all. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! And it happens once a year. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.\nStan: This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point.\nScene Description: The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas tune.\nCritters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year.\nBeary: Oh look. That little feller is all alone.\nSkunky: Gee, he looks sad. [Kyle is seen kneeling next to his sled, looking sad.]\nCritters: Hi there!\nKyle: [gets up and turns around] What the hell?\nBeavery: How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve.\nKyle: My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.\nRaccoony: Aww, but why?\nKyle: Well, because, we don't really... believe in Jesus.\nCritters: [cheering] Yay!\nBeary: But does that mean you aren't baptized?\nKyle: No. I'm Jewish.\nCritters: [exulting] Yay! Yay! [they gather around Kyle]\nBeavery: You've got to come with us!\nDeery: You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!\nKyle: Huh?\nCritters: [taking him away] Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!\nCritters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas.\nSquirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan.\nScene Description: The woods, night. The camera pans along to reveal a glowing red pentacle in the starry sky.\nNarrator: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny star hung in the sky. For the world to be saved there was only one shot, A little boy with three clubs and an abortion plot.\nStan: Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born?\nLion cub 3: Sure. We know how to give abortions now.\nNarrator: He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight.\nScene Description: The critters are standing around the manger. A grotesque creature lies in the cradle.\nBeavery: Gosh, we did it!\nSquirrely: The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest. [The Antichrist growls and throws little fits.]\nNarrator: The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate. The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late.\nStan: Too late?! The hell is that?!\nBeavery: Oh. Hiya, Stanny!\nKyle: [now tied to the altar, frightened] Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?!\nStan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!\nSkunky: Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host.\nCritters: Let's go! All right! Woohoo!\nStan: [turns to the lion cubs] That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! [Skunky, Squirrely, Beary, and Chickadee-y walk over to get Kyle. Santa's sleigh appears in the sky.]\nNarrator: When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard, And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird!\nBeavery: Wow, look, there's Santy Claus!\nCritters: [cheering] Yay!\nRaccoony: Let's eat his flesh! [the sleigh lands and rolls to a stop]\nSanta: [hops out] All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?!\nRaccoony: We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny.\nSkunky: Death and pain await all living things.\nSanta: Little boy, you should be ashamed!\nStan: I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I... I tried to stop them!\nSanta: Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [He reaches back and whips out a long shotgun. He fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.]\nCritters: Aaaaah! [They scatter. Santa fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off.]\nStan: Dude, what the- ? [Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of hellfire appears before Santa.]\nSingers: Hold steady, Santa.\nScene Description: Santa simply hops over it, gets into position, and fires at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens.\nStan: [goes to untie Kyle from the altar] Come on, dude. [Santa continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.]\nBeary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you- [His head is blown off and he goes down.]\nDark Cub: But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? [Stan and Kyle join Santa and the cubs.]\nSanta: Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into.\nKyle: [looks down] No. [walks towards the manger] No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!\nStan: What?! Kyle?!\nKyle: [now in the manger, behind the trough] With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews!\nSanta: Don't do it, Kyle! [Grinning evilly, Kyle holds the little Antichrist in his left hand. A glow emanates from the Antichrist and its spirit floats out of its body and into Kyle's chest.]\nStan: Dude!\nKyle: [returns to the altar, climbs up, and exults] Yes, yes! Now the Jews shall take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!!\nKyle: [voice-over] Oh, stop it, Cartman! [the spell is broken]\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and it turns out they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling his now.\nKyle: Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story!\nCartman: I don't believe anyone interrupted you when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle. [behind him on the board is written \"Write Your Own Christmas Story Day\"]\nKyle: This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again!\nCartman: Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please?\nMr. Garrison: Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother.\nCartman: [closes his booklet] All right, fine! Forget it! [He drops off the stool and heads for his desk.]\nButters: Well but, but what happened?\nToken: Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not?\nClyde: What happens to the lion cubs?\nCartman: Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends.\nStan: No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner.\nKyle: Dude, why do you care?!\nStan: Well, after all that, I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the Earth.\nKyle: Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved!\nCartman: That's not at all what happens.\nButters: Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end.\nClyde: Yeah yeah, come on! [the other kids chime in]\nKyle: All right, fine!\nCartman: [He returns to the stool and resumes the story. He clears his throat.] \"Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?\" said the little boy in the red poofball hat.\nScene Description: The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting.\nKyle: HAHAHAA! Now I shall rule the - [feels something...] Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa! Oh, I don't like this! [hops off the altar] I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil!\nStan: Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil.\nKyle: Oh God, what have I done?! [sits down] I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist.\nSanta: [with his shotgun at the ready] I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to kill you! [pumps the shotgun]\nStan: No Santa, don't!\nSanta: We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul.\nNarrator: The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl, But that's when he came up with the best idea of all.\nStan: The lion cubs!\nNarrator: The little boy quickly begun,\nStan: I took them to see how abortions are done.\nSanta: What?\nStan: Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast! Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!\nNarrator: And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion. They remembered all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion.\nScene Description: The lion cub 3 is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a tree stump. Santa grabs a large sledgehammer next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD.\nKyle: Thanks, everybody. I'm sorry I got a little crazy there.\nSanta: Well little boy, it seems that you [points to Stan] have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year?\nStan: [smiles] Yeah. Yeah, there is.\nScene Description: The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust and watching it settle. The lioness stirs.\nMother lion: Wha - Oh my, what happened?\nOne of the cubs: [the three of them run up to greet her] Mommy?\nThe cubs: Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy!\nStan: [relieved] Oh, good.\nScene Description: Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelly and Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, Stan and Shelly are opening their gifts.\nNarrator: And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat. And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat.\nScene Description: A shot of the town, receding from view.\nNarrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. [Q shot of Kyle back in the hospital, dying.]\nKyle: [voice-over] Goddammit, Cartman!\nScene Description: End of Woodland Critter Christmas.\nSingers: [as credits roll] Christmastime is once a year, Every creature holds it dear, Every animal big or small, Christmas means the world to us all, It's once a year, it's Christmastime, When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. A very modern, futuristic-looking building is seen behind the sign. Inside, a doctor approaches a patient\nDoctor: Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber. I'll be performing your surgery today.\nMr. Garrison: [on the hospital bed, his legs in stirrups] God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll make me well again.\nDr. Biber: Now, you're absolutely sure you want a vaginoplasty?\nMr. Garrison: My whole life I've been a woman trapped in a man's body. A sex-change operation is my last chance at happiness.\nDr. Biber: All right, then let's begin. [POV changes to Mr. Garrison looking down past his groin. A nurse hands Dr. Biber a scalpel] Just relax, Mr. Garrison. I think if more people could just see a sex-change operation, they would know how perfectly natural it is. The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls. [bends down to slice open Mr. Garrison's nutsack - a live slice is shown]\nMr. Garrison: Ough, ergh. Eww. [his eyes remain shut for the duration of the operation]\nDr. Biber: With the scrotum open, I can now discard of your testicles.\nMr. Garrison: So long, balls. [the vas deferens is shown being cut in two, severing the testicle from the rest of the body. A nurse dabs Dr. Biber's forehead with a towel to remove any sweat there]\nDr. Biber: Now, I'll just continue the incision up the shaft of the penis. [real-life footage is shown]\nMr. Garrison: Oh, that stings.\nDr. Biber: Now I'll just... turn your... penis inside out.\nMr. Garrison: OH! Oh jeez.\nDr. Biber: All we need to do now is ...stuff the ...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis... And now I'll use the skin from your penis to make vaginal lips.\nMr. Garrison: Do I look like a woman?\nDr. Biber: [reviewing the results, then holds up his left thumb] Pretty much.\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, day. All-State Basketball Tryouts are being held there. TODAY! Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny show up courtside through entrance 51A. Kyle, #4, is in South Park Elementary's basketball uniform.\nStan: Dude, don't be nervous.\nKyle: How can I not be nervous? Trying out for the All-State team has been my dream for years.\nStan: You're the best player at our school, dude. You'll make the team for sure.\nCartman: This is ridiculous. Jews can't play basketball.\nKyle: [points right at Cartman] I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman! [a referee's whistle is heard]\nLead referee: All students trying out for the All-State team to center court! [Kyle heads for center court]\nStan: Good luck. [Kyle reaches center court and is flanked by tall black players on either side. He looks around, seeing how much taller these players are than he. Two of them have basketballs; Kyle has his own ball]\nCoach: All right boys, now you're all here because you're the best of the best. [the camera pans from left to right, showing all the players - and Kyle's head from the nose up] I know that you've all worked really hard to make it this far, so let's get out there and [throws a basketball at someone] SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT! [play begins, and the taller players keep the ball away from Kyle, then drive toward one of the baskets. Number 32 slams the ball through the hoop. They drive to the opposite basket. Kyle has the ball and shoots, but his shot is rejected. The players head back to the first basket] Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski, is it?\nKyle: Yeah?\nCoach: Can we talk to you for a minute? [Kyle leaves the court and reaches the coach] You uh... You're the best player in your school, are ya?\nKyle: Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets one day.\nCoach: Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great skills and a great attitude. But you're just not physically ...built for the game.\nKyle: Oo whataya mean?\nCoach: Well, it's just that... Jew's can't play basketball. [blows his whistle and returns to the other players] Awright, kids, we've gotta work on that shooting! Come on!\nScene Description: Kyle heads out through 56A but puts his head against a wall, deeply saddened. Kenny, Stan and Cartman enter 56A from the concession stands and head towards Kyle\nStan: Dude, you were awesome, Kyle. [no response. Stan looks at Kenny, then looks back at Kyle] Look, y-you gave it your best shot, right? That's all you could do. [looks at Kenny, shrugs, and walks away. Kenny walks over, puts his hand on Kyle's shoulder for consolation, then walks away. Cartman looks a bit concerned, walks over to Kyle... and taunts him!]\nCartman: Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa! [No response. Cartman can't get a rise out of Kyle] Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time.\nKyle: I know. I deserve it.\nCartman: Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't play basketball!\nKyle: You're right. [this disarms Cartman completely, and he walks away]\nCartman: Jesus, that's no fun.\nScene Description: Henry's Supermarket, day. A normal shopping day until...\nMan: [bursts through the main entrance] Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe it!\nRandy: Believe what?\nMan: It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr. Garrison! He- He's a woman now! [the doors open again and Mr. Garrison struts in with a new womanly body and purse. He strikes a pose to show off his womanly ass. From here on, he's Mrs. Garrison]\nMrs. Garrison: Hello everybody! [everyone is shocked. She goes further into the store and approaches two female shoppers] Can you believe it ladies? I'm one of YOU now! [hugs them, then heads to the Feminine Hygiene aisle] Wow, just look at all these tampons! Regular, heavy flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till I get my first period! [trots off.]\nScene Description: The ladies' restroom, moments later. Mrs. Garrison enters humming and takes an empty spot along the sinks.\nMrs. Garrison: Hi gals! [opens her purse and begins putting on makeup] Oh boy, can you believe the sales they're havin' out there? Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time. [hugs them] Give us a hug. Girls' Club! [lets them go and goes into a stall, closes the door, drops her pants and sits down. She urinates. The two ladies at the sink look at one another, then towards the stall] Oh wow! This is great! Look at that, I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty dignified little woman! [begins to fart and poop. The women's jaws drop] Sany, any of you ladies wanna go see a sad movie together? [The women present leave the restroom one by one: the blonde first, then the one with light brown hair, then the one exiting the stall left of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose, then the one exiting the stall right of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose. The farting and pooping is just too much] You guys try those new wings tampons? Do those work well?\nScene Description: South Park, day. A South Park Charter Transit bus stops and lets Stan and his friends off. Kyle walks ahead of them in gloomy silence\nStan: Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So you aren't built right for basketball.\nKyle: But I feel like a basketball player. That's all I wanna do. [Mrs. Garrison appears before them]\nMrs. Garrison: Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher! Mrs. Garrison! [her fingers are fanned out and she strikes that pose again. The boys are stunned]\nCartman: You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.\nMrs. Garrison: [moving her hands over her body as if shedding a layer of skin] I had a sex-change operation. My penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life! See ya in class! [saunters off]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, dinner time. The family is at table eating\nKyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?\nGerald: [taken aback] What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.\nKyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?\nIke: Penis!\nGerald: Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my God! [buries his face in his hands]\nIke: Vagina!\nGerald: That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT OF THAT SCHOOL! [sweeps his left arm across the table]\nSheila: Gerald, that is very closed-minded of you! You shouldn't judge people who want to change.\nGerald: He's a teacher! How are we supposed to explain this to our children?!\nSheila: [walks over and stands behind Kyle] It's very simple. [addresses Kyle] You see, Kyle, sometimes a person' outside doesn't reflect who they are on the inside.\nKyle: Yeah. That's right.\nSheila: They feel like they're somebody trapped in another person's body. And so, they can have a surgery [Kyle smiles and passes his hands over parts of his body he'd change] that makes them more into the person they see themselves as. Do you understand?\nKyle: Totally! I totally understand!\nSheila: There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands.\nScene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Dr. Biber sits behind his desk\nDr. Biber: So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery.\nKyle: Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be a woman, and you made him into one.\nDr. Biber: Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had a vaginoplasty. Mhm.\nKyle: Well, do you also do other surgeries like that?\nDr. Biber: Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants to be a man. That procedure is called a peniplasty.\nKyle: No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black.\nDr. Biber: ...You what?\nKyle: I hate being small and Jewish. I feel like a tall black man.\nDr. Biber: [tries to make sense of this in his mind, then] Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty!\nKyle: Yeah! [big grin]\nStan: Wha-a-a negroplasty??\nDr. Biber: It's a fairly common procedure, really, just the reverse of a caucasioplasty just like Michael Jackson had. Let's take a look here. [Kyle follows Dr. Biber. Stan tails along. Dr. Biber stops and bends down towards Kyle, taking off his hat] What we do is slice your face and peel it back so we can insert now pigment producing cells inside. [draws a line along Kyle's forehead and left temple. Stan can't believe what he's seeing] We break the arm bones in several places and put braces to make them longer. [draws lines around the wrists] Now, the knees we need to snap off and fill with small round objects that can cause better movement. [draws two circles around the kneecaps] And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance the genitalia. [draws a circle around the crotch of Kyle's briefs] Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly three thousand dollars.\nStan: Uh excuse me, is this really a good idea?\nDr. Biber: Well, it's a good idea if you wanna be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it.\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, night. Mrs. Garrison enters the kitchen carrying groceries. Mr. Slave is at the breakfast table moping\nMrs. Garrison: Hello, Mr. Slave. [sets them down on the counter] Boy have I been busy. A woman's work is never done. [begins taking the groceries out of the bags] I got some tampons. I should be getting my period really soon. I hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS. [walks over to Mr. Slave hiding something behind her back, and says seductively] Mr. Slave, I got something for us, too. [brings forth a red negligéйe] Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?\nMr. Slave: No thanks.\nMrs. Garrison: [taken aback] Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave, I wanna try out my new snootch.\nMr. Slave: I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery without even asking me what I thought.\nMrs. Garrison: Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's still me; I just have a vagina instead of a penis.\nMr. Slave: But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!\nMrs. Garrison: Don't you even care that I was suffering? I wasn't happy the way I was!\nMr. Slave: It's great that you feel better, but you never stopped to think about how other people around you would feel!\nMrs. Garrison: Look, we can still be together. All you have to do is stop being gay!\nMr. Slave: How can you say that?! You're gay too!\nMrs. Garrison: I'm not gay! I'm a woman!\nMr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ! [turns around and heads for the front door]\nMrs. Garrison: Oh, so is that it?! [Mr. Slave opens the front door and walks out, leaving it open] You're just gonna walk out?! You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag! [slams his door shut]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, morning. Kyle runs into the living room with a paper in hand and faces his parents, who are sitting on the sofa. They're both reading the newspaper.\nKyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change said he can make me tall and black. [they look up. On Gerald's T-shirt is a picture of two dolphins jumping in the air]\nSheila: What??\nKyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery. [shows the paper, which is a picture of ]\nGerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial!\nKyle: [quite excited] Can I have three thousand dollars, Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I??\nSheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!\nKyle: [let down] But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.\nSheila: Yes, but Kyle-\nKyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.\nSheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.\nKyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?\nSheila: The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going to have negroplasty!\nKyle: But Jews can't play basketball! [this sets Gerald off and making him furious]\nGerald: KYLE, YOU'D BETTER STOP BEING ANTI-SEMITIC RIGHT NOW, MISTER!!\nKyle: [leaves the room and goes up the stairs, stopping halfway] I'm never speaking to either of you ever again! [continues up the stairs and goes to his room. His door is heard being shut. Gerald looks on as all this happens]\nGerald: [rises and leaves the sofa] Oh, that does it!\nSheila: Where are you going?!\nGerald: [stops by the coat rack next to the front door, grabs his coat and puts it on] That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off! [goes out the front door and slams it shut]\nScene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Gerald approaches it with a file in hand. He enters Dr. Biber's office and closes the door. The doctor is setting behind his desk\nGerald: Who the hell do you think you are?!\nDr. Biber: Dr. Biber.\nGerald: What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!\nDr. Biber: [leaves his chair and approaches Gerald] Oh, you're Kyle's father.\nGerald: Huh that's right! And I also happen to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you sued for malpractice, and your clinic shut down!!\nDr. Biber: What is that on your shirt?\nGerald: What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins! Why?\nDr. Biber: Ahhh you like dolphins, hm? [puts his hands together in an affectionate way]\nGerald: A b-uh I love dolphins, Ever since I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b- But that has hardly any bearing on what I'm hear to-\nDr. Biber: I can make you one.\nGerald: ...What?\nDr. Biber: Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of the head. Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply...\nGerald: [steps aside a little] Make me a... dolphin? [begins to daydream about life as a dolphin.]\nSinger: If I could swim with the dolphins, the soft and gentle dolphins...Why can't I swim with the dolphins?\nGerald: ...No. [heads for the door] No, no, it's crazy.\nDr. Biber: There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look on the outside the way they feel on the inside.\nScene Description: Girls Gone Wild commercial. In the background is a crowd of men, in the foreground, willing women\nAnnouncer: It's Girls Gone Wild! [two women stand there looking at the camera, then lift their blouses all of a sudden and giggle. The words \"Real Girls!\" flash over their breasts] These girls will do anything! [another woman looks around, then flashes her breasts. The word \"Wild!!\" flashes over them. Two other women flash their boos. \"Out of Control!\" flashes over one woman, \"Real Girls!\" over the other. Mrs. Garrison sees an opportunity and comes forward to stand next to the women]\nMrs. Garrison: Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do it?! Oh what the hell! [flashes her boobs, which are not bleeped. They're set rather far apart. The other women look at the breasts and leave in disgust] Wooo! Huhuh, wooo!\nMen: Awww!\nMrs. Garrison: Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce up and down! [jumps up and down] Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee.\nScene Description: Later, at a bar after the video shoot...\nMrs. Garrison: [walks up to the bar, which has three women seated at it. One of them is a redhead with short, wavy hair] Oh boy, men will do just about anything to get a look at our tits, won't they? Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But I've been livin' it up ever since, havin' sex with all kinds of different guys! Girl power! [approaches the redhead] You know, the strange thing is, I haven't gotten my period yet. Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?\nRedhead: Well, normally, if a woman misses her period, it means she's pregnant.\nMrs. Garrison: ...Pregnant? [turns away and walks a bit] Oh my God. Of course. [the women at the bar glance back at him] I haven't gotten to experience a period because... one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up. [turns around and shouts] I'm pregnant, everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an abortion! [leaves the bar]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Gerald returns home with a walker and a highly altered appearance. He now makes dolphin sounds and has a blowhole and dorsal fin on his back, and his legs have been joined together to make a flipper. His hands have been altered to look like ventral fins. He walks in the front door. His eyes are black from the alterations and his nose has been elongated.\nSheila: [seeing the new Gerald] Gerald! What happened to you?!\nGerald: That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila. Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been. [approaches Ike] Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin! [Ike just looks at him]\nSheila: A dolphin?!?!\nGerald: [turns around slowly to face her] Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy with who he is, then who are we to deny hm surgery that will make him feel better about himself? [his left eye twitches twice, each time accompanied by dolphin calls]\nSheila: [distraught] Gerald, this is crazy!\nGerald: I used to think I was crazy. But Dr, Biber told me that there are a lot of other people out there who are transspecies. All I did is change my appearance to look the way I felt... [places his right ventral fin to his heart] here. And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same, he may never be happy. Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila. We owe him understanding! [his blowhole goes off]\nScene Description: The school bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman work on building a snowman. Butters runs up...\nButters: Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see!\nStan: What?\nButters: Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro! [runs off. The others follow.]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle, now tall and black, stands in the front lawn. Around him are Kevin, Clyde, Jason, Tweek, and Craig\nJason: Wow.\nCraig: Can't believe it.\nClyde: Did it hurt?\nKyle: Yeah, but it was totally worth it. [Butters arrives with the other boys]\nStan: Jesus Christ, dude!\nKyle: Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad is even gonna take me back down to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!\nGerald: [at the front door] Come on, Kyle, we should get going!\nKyle: Alright, Dad! [trots off]\nStan: Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin?\nCartman: He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin.\nScene Description: Planned Parenthood, day. In the reception area Mrs. Garrison reads magazines, but sees a woman seated near her.\nMrs. Garrison: You here for an abortion too? [she blinks] Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm knocked up. Is this doctor any good?\nNurse: Mrs... Garrison?\nMrs. Garrison: Oh, that's me. [rises and follows the nurse in]\nScene Description: Planned Parenthood OR.\nMrs. Garrison: Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion. [sits on the chair and puts his feet on the stirrups]\nDoctor: ...an abortion?\nMrs. Garrison: Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. Now, are you gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out? [a nurse arrives and her jaw drops] ...If you want you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself.\nDoctor: Mmister Garrison-\nMrs. Garrison: [correcting him] Mrs. Garrison.\nDoctor: Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.\nMrs. Garrison: Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body! [gets up, goes to the nurse, and hugs her] A woman has a right to choose!\nDoctor: No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion, because you can't get pregnant.\nMrs. Garrison: But I missed my period.\nDoctor: You can't have periods either. [Mrs. Garrison looks surprised] You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb. You don't produce eggs.\nMrs. Garrison: [sits down] You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?\nDoctor: N-that's right.\nMrs. Garrison: But I paid five thousand dollars to be a woman. This would mean I I'm not really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!\nDoctor: Basically, yes.\nMrs. Garrison: ...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass.\nScene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Mrs. Garrison enters the OR as Dr. Biber operates on a woman\nMrs. Garrison: Hey asshole!\nDr. Biber: Excuse me, I'm performing an operation here!\nMrs. Garrison: You told me you were going to make me into a woman!\nDr. Biber: I gave you a sex change.\nMrs. Garrison: Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month?! You made me into a FREAK is what you did! And I want you to change me back!\nPatient: Am I a man yet?\nDr. Biber: Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your organs.\nMrs. Garrison: Why the hell not?!\nDr. Biber: Because I've already used your testicles to fashion new knees for a little boy who wanted to be tall and black.\nMrs. Garrison: You WHAT?!\nDr. Biber: And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh you! You're comin' with me right now to find my balls and scrotum right now, Mr. Man! [pulls him out the door by the ear]\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. \"All-State Playoffs. Colorado vs. Wyoming\" People crowd into the center. Inside, the two teams are practicing their shots on the court\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the All-State Basketball Playoffs between the best fourth-grade players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming. [cheers go up and Kyle arrives just in time]\nKyle: [panting] Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready to play.\nCoach: Who are you?\nKyle: Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State team now?\nCoach: Well, you're tall and black enough. All right, Broflovski, suit up!\nKyle: All right! [turns around and looks up the bleachers] Dad, I can play! [Gerald is on the steps with his walker]\nGerald: Alright Kyle! [tries to find a place to sit. An usher walks by] Excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins?\nScene Description: The school bus stop, day. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are almost finished with their snow man. A car pulls up. Mrs. Garrison and Dr. Biber jump out of the car.\nMrs. Garrison: Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not at home.\nStan: [points down the road] Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison.\nDr. Biber: He's going to play basketball? Oh my God.\nMrs. Garrison: What?\nDr. Biber: Well, ah I only made him look like he could play basketball. If he actually does it, the testicle in his knees will explode! [Mrs. Garrison realizes instantly where her former testicles are]\nStan: What?! But you made him into a basketball player.\nDr. Biber: No, I just made him look more like one. We have to stop him from playing! Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!\nMrs. Garrison: Oh Jesus! Come on, boys! We've gotta get to my balls before Kyle hurts himself! [everyone gets into the car, and the car peels off]\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. The Star-Spangled Banner is being sung\nSinger: ...and the home of the... brave! [the lights come up and everyone cheers. The teams take the floor for the jump ball. The referee tosses the ball up and Colorado #32 taps the ball to his team]\nCoach: Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens.\nKyle: I'm a hundred percent ready, coach! [The stitches along his upper chest, arms, and cheeks are seen. The camera pans down to show the bandages on his elbows and knees and the stitches along his legs]\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms in the hall. An usher stands nearby\nGerald: Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom for dolphins?\nUsher: We don't... have one.\nGerald: Well where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? I I need a large tank with salt water.\nUsher: Ahhh- Too bad?\nGerald: Damnit you people have to make special arrangements for transspecies people like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer!\nUsher: You're a lawphin?\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, outside, by the entrance. Mrs. Garrison, Dr. Biber and the boys approach the doors\nUsher: Tickets please.\nMrs. Garrison: We don't have tickets!\nSecurity guard: [appearing next to the usher] Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry.\nMrs. Garrison: Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees and he's in serious danger!\nUsher: What?\nMrs. Garrison: [looks past the men and points] My scrotum! [he sees Gerald talking to the usher by the restrooms] That dolphin has my scrotum! Now let us in!\nSecurity guard: You can't go in, ma'am! [Mrs. Garrison delivers a right hook to the guard and the guard goes down. Mrs. Garrison and the others rush in. The guard gets up and calls for help on his walkie-talkie] We have unauthorized entry on level one!\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, courtside. The Colorado team drives to the opposite basket. The coach addresses Kyle\nCoach: All right. Broflovski, you're going in next possession.\nKyle: All right! [stands and feels pain in his knees. He soothes them] Ow. Hm. [goes to the locker room]\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms. Mrs. Garrison and the others approach Gerald\nMrs. Garrison: Gerald, where's Kyle?!\nGerald: What? Why??\nMrs. Garrison: My balls are in his knees. If he jumps with them they'll explode!\nGerald: Oh my God! [Security guards swarm nearby]\nSecurity guard: There they are, next to that dolphin!\nDr. Biber: Come on, we've gotta get to those balls! [The group rushes into the arena; the guards chase them and open fire]\nSecurity guard: [the one who tried to stop them at the door] Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar entry fee!\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, courtside. Kyle has suited up and now enters the game.\nAnnouncer: Now substituting for Colorado, number 4, Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle goes in for #11, Owens. Stan and the others run down the steps towards the court, pursued by the guards.]\nStan: Oh Jesus, he's about to play! [Three of the guards get into position at the top of the stariway aisle and start shooting at them. Down by the court Dr. Biber takes a steel trash can and bashes one guard with it]\nGerald: [wrestles another guard over his walker] Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!\nMrs. Garrison: Which one is he?? [camera zooms out to show Colorado taking the ball and driving to the other basket. Kyle isn't seen in the shot. At the other end, Mrs. Garrison tackles a Wyoming player. The crowd gasps]\nWyoming Coach: Hey, what the hell?!\nGerald: Stop the game! [jumps high into the air and mows down a bunch of player upon landing. More gasps from the crowd. The loose ball ends up in Kyle's hands]\nKyle: I got it! I got the ball. [runs to his basket]\nStan: Kyle, NO! [Kyle dribbles and then jumps up towards the basket]\nAnnouncer: Broflovski goes for the dunk!\nMrs. Garrison: NO! [the dunk is shown in smooth slow-motion, as is his next statement] My baaaallllssss. [the ball goes in, Kyle lands back on the floor, his knees bulge, then blow out, spraying testicles matter everywhere. His legs split in two at the knee and he falls backwards. Players on both teams and some of the spectators are hit by bits of testicle. Kyle is unconscious and the Colorado coach screams and runs off]\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, outside. The police and paramedics have arrived and Kyle is sitting up on the gurney\nOfficer: So let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin.\nStan: Yeah, that's basically it.\nOfficer: Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, let's head 'em out! [the police leave]\nDr. Biber: I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told you the surgery was cosmetic only.\nGerald: So, does this mean I'm not really a dolphin?\nDr. Biber: Let's get you two up to the clinic and I'll change you back, for a nominal fee.\nKyle: But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't go back.\nMrs. Garrison: [thinks about that for a long moment] You know what? I'm okay. Even though I'm not truly a woman, I think I still like the new me. I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. [newly confident] Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman! Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is carrying a tank of something on his back\nCartman: Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies.\nElderly woman: Hippies?\nCartman: [walks in and begins to rap the walls with his fist] Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies. [raps on the wall and the pitch changes] Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic?\nScene Description: The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight, turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds.\nCartman: Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am. [she climbs up until her eyes are level with his] See that? Hippies. [five hippies are sitting in a clearing in the attic, smoking and laughing.]\nElderly woman: Oh my.\nCartman: These are what we call the uh giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippie, usually found in the attics. Problem is, if you see one hippie, there's probably a whole lot more you're not seein'. Uh, whe-where's the backyard.\nScene Description: The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks out onto the back porch\nCartman: Yep, that's what I thought. See that? You've got a drum circle in your backyard. [eight hippies are seen seated around a small campfire drumming away. Logs are scattered around them]\nElderly woman: Oh, well they showed up a few days ago, but I didn't think they were hurting anything.\nCartman: Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson County. He had a little drum circle in his backyard. It turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter. You get a few hippies playing drums and next thing you know, you got yourself a colony.\nElderly woman: Oh dear.\nScene Description: back inside the house\nElderly woman: Oh, well, so, so what do I do?\nCartman: [goes back to rapping the walls, then stops] Well, your attic could be so we can fumigate with polymarethane. The drum circle we're gonna have to gas. [raps again. The wall begins to crack and he steps aside. A hippie breaks through and falls to the floor. Cartman says under his breath] God dammit! [pulls out a fire extinguisher from his backpack]\nHippie 1: [dazed and confused, coughing] Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm so high.\nCartman: God damn hippie! [opens fire. Foam spews out from the extinguisher]\nHippie 1: Whoa, dude!\nCartman: Get out of here!\nHippie 1: Not cool! [stands up and looks at Cartman] What's up?! [runs off]\nCartman: Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-circle hippies RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract something much worse!\nElderly woman: Ooooo...what's that?\nCartman: The college know-it-all hippies.\nScene Description: The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the back window is a decal which says \"University of Colorado at Boulder\" Three men and three women step out of the car\nDriver: [wearing green jacket] Wow, my friend Brittany was right. This is a really laid-back place.\nWoman 1: [wearing tan jacket] Yeah, this will be a great place to spend spring break. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach them]\nKyle: Hey, let's ask them. [the boys are wearing shoulder totes with magazines peeking out from them.]\nStan: All right. [the two parties meet] 'Scuse me. [holds out a clipboard] Hello, we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice?\nDriver: Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing that. Don't you know what you're doing to the world?\nKyle: Wha- whataya mean?\nMan 1: [wearing a guitar over his back] You're playing into the corporate game! See, the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmann's so that they can make money. [the other man is busily eating chips]\nStan: Who are the corporations?\nWoman 2: [a blonde with a psychedelic fish on her shirt] The corporations run the entire world. And now they fooled you into working for them.\nStan: Are you serious? We never heard that.\nDriver: We just spent our first semester at college. Our professors opened our eyes. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich.\nKyle: Ugh! Those dirty liars!\nKenny: (Sonofabitch!) [throws down his shoulder tote]\nMan 2: [has finished his chips] This is a really nice town you have here. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down.\nStan: Well... Well what do we do?\nDriver: Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told. [Man 2 resumes eating chips]\nScene Description: Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there and one of them pounds the door to get out\nHippie 2: [wearing a headband] It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now!\nCartman: [opens the door real quick and tosses another hippie down the stairs] All right, in you go.\nHippie 2: What are you doing, man?!\nHippie 3: [wearing a V-neck sweater] Let us out! [the throng advances up the stairs]\nCartman: Get back. Get back or you're all gonna get maced! [the throng backs down]\nHippie 2: What's up, man?! You can't keep us down here like this!\nHippie 4: [with straight long hair] What's wrong with you?!\nCartman: What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why!\nHippie 5: [wearing a thin headband] What makes you think you could tell us where to live?!\nHippie 6: This is a free country, man!\nCartman: Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right? Just go with it.\nHippie 3: Just go with it? We've been down here for days!\nCartman: And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right? Here, here's some joints [tosses a bunch of joints down to the hippies], and a guitar! [tosses that down as well and shuts the door. He then locks it and sets a large beam across the door, then walks away. The hippies are left there, coughing. One of them takes the guitar and sings]\nSinger: What's goin' on in this world o'mine?There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine. Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...\nScene Description: Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a peace sign\nStan: Sign, sign everywhere. SignDone something to my mind.\nSharon: [peeks out through the sliding doors] Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come?\nStan: Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fat cats to imprison you into a life of servitude. I've got some stuff you should read.\nSharon: Okay, sweetie.\nScene Description: City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town sitting on either side.\nMayor McDaniels: All right, people, we can move onto issue number 14B.\nChef: [Secretary of Public Safety] Mayor, we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads!\nLinda Stotch: [City Clerk and Treasurer] We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now.\nGerald: [City Attorney] We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands.\nChef: We- [a struggle is heard in the hall and the council members turn to see what it is. The door opens and Cartman rushes in, roughed up]\nGuard: You can't go in there!\nCartman: Please, I have to talk to you all right now!\nMayor McDaniels: Kid, we're have a city council meeting.\nCartman: Mayor, something very big is happening, and if you all don't give me a moment of your time, there may be no more South Park to council over!\nRandy: [Secretary of Parks and Public Grounds] What are you talking about?\nCartman: I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it. [some surprise is seen among the council members] For the past several days I've been... noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town. [puts a laptop on the table and turns it on] At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. [pulls a projector towards the laptop] Then I saw this... [connects the projector to the laptop, and the projector turns on. Everyone then looks at the screen. Cartman goes to it and points a few things out] Three new drum circles have sprouted up here, here, and here. They're all growing in diameter, at a rate of two hippies per hour. What this means... is that the hippies are conglomerating. They're thriving, if you will. I think that they're setting up for a... hippie music festival.\nLinda: A what?\nCartman: It's, it's simple science. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in. With the right weather conditions and topography, it can lead to a music festival. One that lasts for days, even weeks. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man, they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now. In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen. [the adults don't get it, Cartman sighs heavily]\nMayor McDaniels: Kid, what the hell are you talking about?\nCartman: I know hippies. I've hated them all my life. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own since I was five and a half. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. We have to do something, fast!\nMr. Mackey: Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about potholes right now, m'kay.\nCartman: It's not potholes you need to worry about. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of. '\nMayor McDaniels: Johnson, get him out of here. [Johnson rises and goes for Cartman]\nCartman: What are you doing?! [Johnson hauls him away] You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug! [he disappears from view, but peeks in one last time] The town is in serious danger! [Johnson returns to close the door]\nScene Description: A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on it\nDriver: You see, the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind.\nStan: Right, so how do we get back at them?\nKyle: Yeah, we're pissed off.\nDriver: Well, so my idea was this: Let's have, like, a week long music festival, draw everyone here, and then together, we can tear it all down. [foam appears out of nowhere and covers the hippie driver] Whoa, what the hell?! [Cartman appears]\nCartman: I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to my basement!\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: [stops and thinks through what he just heard, then turns around] Oh Jesus, not you guys? [approaches Stan and checks him out] What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!\nStan: [alarmed] NO!\nCartman: Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been compromised, I'll have no problem taking you out! I'd expect the same from you. [the hippie that wore the guitar over his shoulder approaches the boys]\nMan 1: What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann. [Cartman sprays mace on him and he cries out in pain]\nWoman 2: Oh my God!\nMan 2: What the hell are you doing?! [a police car pulls up in the background and Officer Barbrady steps out of the car. He comes for Eric]\nCartman: Everybody get in a single-file line!\nOfficer Barbrady: There you are!\nCartman: Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival, just as I predicted.\nOfficer Barbrady: Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.\nCartman: What?\nOfficer Barbrady: I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement.\nCartman: You let them out?! Jesus, we have to find them!\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh no, you're coming downtown! [hauls Cartman away to the police cruiser]\nCartman: No! No, we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay! [Barbrady puts him in the passenger seat, then gets into the driver's seat and peels away]\nDriver: Who was that?\nScene Description: South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused\nCartman: What did I do?!\nOfficer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.\nCartman: They're not people, they're HIPPIES!\nMayor McDaniels.: Is this problem under control?\nOfficer Barbrady: I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.\nCartman: [walks to his cell door] Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a massive jam band concert!\nMayor McDaniels: I know. I signed the permit.\nCartman: [steps back, stunned] You... You what?\nMayor McDaniels: I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Their little \"festival\" should pump some money into our economy.\nCartman: They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?!\nMayor McDaniels: They don't have to know. I can sign whatever permit I want!\nCartman: You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! [Cartman snaps]\nMayor McDaniels: That kid really needs some psychiatric help.\nOfficer Barbrady: Yeah.\nMayor McDaniels: All right, let's go.\nCartman: [quickly composes himself] How much money is enough, Mayor?! How many people's lives it is all worth?! God damned hippies!\nScene Description: Breaking News\nAnnouncer: This is a South Park News special report! [a crowd scene is shown beside the anchorman]\nAnchorman: Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man. [the crowd scene fills the screen and the MC comes up to the main mic. The stage is set up solidly, with speakers ]\nMC: All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005! [the crowd raises a cheer] Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world! [more cheering follows]\nStan: Yeah!\nKyle: You said it!\nMC: For too long, the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we're gonna start right now. [launches into a jam with his band. The crowd cheers; the college hippies are seen in the audience]\nMan 1: [coughs] Oh man, I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmann's faces when they hear this crunchy groove. [goes back to smoking pot]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the kitchen\nRandy: Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?\nSharon: He went with his friends to that music festival.\nRandy: Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that kid?!\nSharon: Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s.\nRandy: Yeah, but when we did it we actually stood for something. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something there.\nScene Description: Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian. Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and throws up.\nSharon: You ate too much acid, man! [she resumes dancing and slips onto the vomit, face up. Randy pounces on her and starts banging her, sort of. They still have their clothes on.]\nScene Description: Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity would be seen these days...\nSharon: ...Oh my God. Our son is with those people.\nRandy: [panics] S-stan. STAAAN!\nScene Description: Breaking News\nAnnouncer: This is South Park News!\nAnchorman: Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow. [live footage is shown] They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight.\nReporter: Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. We don't know where this music festival came from, but, it's very close to consuming us all.\nScene Description: Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV as they watch the news brief.\nLinda: Steven, what do we do?\nScene Description: Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams. A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy is seen looking for his son\nRandy: [frantic] Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through, please! [Jimbo approaches him]\nJimbo: [restrains Randy] Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!\nRandy: My son is in there! Duh-uh! [breaks away from Jimbo and disappears among the hippies. He reaches a clearing] Stan?! [the marijuana smoke is too much for him. He coughs harshly] Stan! Stan!\nMale hippie: Hey, chill man. It's all good.\nFemale hippie: Have some water laced with acid.\nRandy: Sta-ogh. Ugh! [he falls to the ground gagging, then gets into a fetal position and passes out]\nScene Description: City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window.\nMayor McDaniels: What have I done?\nMC: Yeah, South Park is now hippie capital of the world! [a loud cheer rises from the crowd. The Mayor raises her right arm. In her hand is gun. She points it at her temple. the camera moves to the right, the gun goes off, and bits of brain, skull, and blood hit the wall to the right. Her body is heard dropping to the floor]\nScene Description: South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.\nMr. Mackey: Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?\nCartman: [gets off his bed] Great, I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it.\nRandy: Eric, you were right. About the hippies. Could you... get rid of them for us now?\nCartman: [angered] Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival.\nSheila: We we need you to take care of them, Eric! They're out of control!\nCartman: [a bit resentful] Forget it. [turns his back on them and walks back to his bed]\nRandy: Please. Some of our kids are in there. We should have listened to you earlier.\nChef: Yeah. We apologize.\nJimbo: Please. Don't let them ruin our town.\nCartman: It's too late! Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now!\nMr. Mackey: We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart. Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay?\nRandy: We're just asking you to try. The whole town even got together and, and baked you a cake. [Sheila presents a cake, and Randy helps out. The cake says Eric on it]\nCartman: [turns away again] Don't think that you can buy me with presents! ...Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.\nRandy: [thinks a moment] It's yours.\nCartman: I want the batteries for it too. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot.\nPrincipal Victoria: Fine.\nJimbo: Anything else?\nCartman: Yes. [turns around] Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous!\nSheila: Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle, but we-we can't make him watch you play th- [Randy nudges her hard] Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you.\nCartman: All right, fine. But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before, so I'm gonna need every resource this town has! And even if I don't succeed, and it's a million-to-one shot that I will, I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and be super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?! [The adults just look back at him]\nScene Description: The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera has to pull back a long way to get it all into view. The boys are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing reggae music.\nDriver: Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude, I need more weed.\nStan: So it seems like we have enough people now. When do we start taking down the corporations?\nMan 1: [take a deep drag from his joint] Yeah man, the corporations. Right now they're raping the world for money!\nKyle: Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get 'em.\nMan 2: Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. We don't need money. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other.\nMan 1: Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread. A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety.\nStan: You mean like a baker and a cop?\nMan 2: No no, can't you imagine a place where people live together and like, provide services for each other in exchange for their services?\nKyle: Yeah, it's called a town.\nDriver: You kids just haven't been to college yet. But just you wait, this thing is about to get HUGE.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various pictures on a tabloid-size book\nCartman: All right, everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick.\nRandy: [closes his eyes] My God...\nCartman: In less than three days, all of South Park will be completely consumed. Our only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here. [points to the stage] If we can reach the stage, we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system. [shows off a CD-R of Slayer music] Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all.\nJimbo: Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant flaw. That hippie crowd is massive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage?\nCartman: We drill. [flips the page and a blueprint appears.] I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside.\nSteven: You're... actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob? It's a suicide mission!\nCartman: Not just somebody. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientist, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.\nRandy: I'm the... only scientist in town.\nLinda: I'm your engineer.\nSteven: Honey, no!\nLinda: I have to do it, Steven.\nCartman: All right, then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [he looks around, panning by Chef once] Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see... [his gaze passes Chef again] Oh, I know. How about- [his gaze falls upon Chef and stays there]\nChef: Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!\nSteven: I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. This is a crazy plan!\nRandy: You got a better idea, Steven?! Dammit, my son is in there!\nCartman: There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look, it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we- [his face is distorted. Moments later he sneezes and his face is normal again.] got.\nScene Description: The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle\nScene Description: New report\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where a desperate attempt to save the town is underway. Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival. [Cartman's team enters through the doors of Bay 2]\nRandy: Well I... guess this is it, Sharon.\nSharon: Please, save our boy, Randy.\nLinda: Butters, if anything happens to Mommy, I, I want you to be a good boy.\nButters: Ah I will, Mom.\nChef: [with two ladies crying on his shoulders] Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's gonna be fine.\nCartman: I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog. [his plush toy sits on a chair] Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had. [smiles, wipes a tear from his eye, and joins the rest of the crew into the hippie digger. They turn to wave at the townsfolk, who cheer and wave back. Some people take pictures]\nSheila: Look out for yourselves!\nMrs. Garrison: Godspeed! [the crew finally enters the digger and closes the door]\nScene Description: Inside the digger\nCartman: Primary engine running?\nRandy: Check.\nCartman: Navigation systems?\nLinda: Online\nCartman: Let's punch this baby. [the digger rolls off its platform] We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. Hang on. [the digger lunges into the crowd, tossing hippies left and right, maybe killing a few in the process. Inside, the crew is jostled about] Reaching hippie crowd. Hull status?\nRandy: Vehicle shell holding! [the digger continues clearing a path towards the stage]\nScene Description: A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside\nJimbo: They're in!\nTownsfolk: All right! All right, yeah! We did it!\nMayor McDaniels: [appears with a bandage around her head] All right, people, let's save it! [blood stains are seen on the bandage over both temples. The suicide attempt failed] They still have a long way to go!\nScene Description: The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting on throw rugs. They're bored.\nStan: Alright, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage!\nKyle: You're doing what?\nGuard: [an old hippie] Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo, woo! [smokes his joint. The digger lurches on. A long shot shows the path the digger is taking]\nScene Description: Inside the digger\nCartman: Switching to secondary fuel line. [warning lights begin to flash and warning sounds are heard] What's that?\nRandy: The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies. [the digger stalls and dies]\nScene Description: The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside\nMayor McDaniels: What's happened?\nMr. Mackey: They, they s- they stopped. Something's wrong.\nSteven: Jesus... they're dead in the water. [no motion from the digger.]\nScene Description: The music festival. The digger is dead. As the crowd cheers, Stan approaches the mic\nStan: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing? [the crowd quiets down] It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something?\nA hippie: We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! [the crowd cheers]\nStan: Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should look at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long?\nSinger: He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing. [the band starts up again. They missed his point entirely. Stan just turns right and walks away]\nScene Description: Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again.\nCartman: Come on, come on!\nLinda: It's useless. The main power line has been shut down.\nRandy: Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters.\nCartman: No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out there!\nChef: ...I didn't volunteer!\nCartman: ...All right, fine Chef, go!\nChef: ...Aw dammit! [rises from his seat and opens the digger door, facing an atmosphere think with marijuana smoke. He climbs down, coughing pretty hard]\nScene Description: The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command\nMayor McDaniels: That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke the crowd!\nSteven: God dammit, no! Y-you have to give them more time!\nScene Description: The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something about how he got a stain on his clothes.\nStan: Dude, these people have no idea what's going on. Let's get out of here.\nKyle: We can't. Kenny just checked. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us.\nStan: What? You mean, we're stuck here listening to this crap? [the stage is shown. All of a sudden the digger smashes into it, stopping the festival in its tracks. The crowd looks towards the stage]\nMan 2: Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?\nMan 1: More tunes. More tunes! [the digger's door opens and the crew steps out]\nLinda: We made it!\nCartman: Hit the PA system NOW! [the crew goes over to it] Put me in the main line! [Randy turns and shoves an unconscious man at the controls off and gathers some cords]\nRandy: Which cord is it?\nCartman: You're the scientist, jackass!\nRandy: I'm a geologist!\nLinda: We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us!\nRandy: Nyugh!\nCartman: Put them in my laptop! [Randy connects one of the cords to the laptop. Cartman selects a song from the Slayer CD he put in the CD-ROM drive: \"Raining Blood\" He clicks \"Play\" and the song blasts forth from the stage speakers. The crowd listens for a while, then begins to disperse.]\nA hippie: Oh man, not cool.\nHippie 3: [covers his hears and walks off] This music is so angry.\nMan 2: This is killing my buzz.\nMan 1: Let's bail on this whole angry scene. [the college hippies move off]\nRandy: It's working!\nLinda: What?\nRandy: It's, it's working!\nScene Description: The command center.\nMrs. Garrison: We did it! We did it! [the townsfolk cheer and hug each other]\nScene Description: The music festival. Stan sees his father\nStan: Dad!\nRandy: Stan! [they run up to each other and hug. Nearby, Chef comes to and sits up]\nChef: I'm alive! [Kyle walks around aimlessly, but Cartman spots him]\nCartman: Hold it right there, Kyle! [Cartman has a small dagger in its sheath. He pulls it out]\nKyle: Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us.\nCartman: Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger plans for you, Kyle.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another\nCartman: Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee! [offers the remote control] Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with it a little while. [Kyle rises and takes a few steps, but Cartman withdraws the offer] Oh, sorry! You don't get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is in session. The kids are chattering when Mrs. Garrison gets their attention.\nMrs. Garrison: Children, children, we have a very special announcement. [shown with Token at his side] Your classmate, Token, has just returned from winning the Colorado Child Star Contest with his incredible singing! Well let's give him a hand! [he claps, and Butters, Annie, and Bebe join him]\nStan: Token sings?\nCartman: Of course he sings. He's black.\nMrs. Garrison: Token is going to sing in front of a huge audience at the Miss Colorado Pageant in Denver. And for doing it he's gonna be paid two hundred dollars.\nClass: Whoa!\nCartman: Two hundred dollars.\nMrs. Garrison: Now of course, as a woman, I'm a bit against those chauvinistic pageants, but I hope that you children take a moment today to congratulate Token for being so special.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, lunchtime. Stan and friends sit at a table just outside the school kitchen. They're deep in thought\nStan: Wow, two hundred dollars. Can you imagine?\nKyle: How come we never get opportunities like that?\nCartman: You wanna know what it is, guys?\nKyle: We're not talented?\nCartman: That's right. We're not talented. See, we're not the artistic side, we're the thinking side.\nStan: Yeah. We're too smart to be talented.\nCartman: [leaves the table] Wait, you guys! I just had an amazing idea. Token is going right to the top, right. I mean, he's gonna be a huge star.\nKyle: Probably.\nCartman: So, why shouldn't we get some of that money? We can be Token's agents. That way, we get ten percent of whatever he makes!\nStan: Hey yeah! We deserve that money just as much as he does.\nCartman: We just need a really kickass office and some nice suits. A and a fountain in our lobby. All top agencies have fountains in their lobbies. We gotta make Token think he needs us, when actually he doesn't need us at all. [strokes his chin]\nScene Description: Montage: Cartman tries out his suit in front of a full-length mirror in his room. Stan and Kyle try out suits in Kyle's room. Next, the boys are in a department store purchasing cell phones at Bull's Eye. Next, Stan and Kyle carry an executive desk into the new office. Next, Cartman and Kenny steal a fountain from somebody's backyard. Next, flyers for the new agency, Super Awesome Talent Agency, are printed out. Next, the boys are at a copy center to get some business cards. Next, Cartman and Kyle set up signs around town. Next, the finished office is shown... in Cartman's basement. The four boys congratulate each other for a job well done.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Token walks by one of the signs the boys drew up. He notices it and stops to read it. The boys hide around the corner. Stan peaks around the corner.\nStan: He's looking at the sign.\nCartman: Perfect! All right, you guys get back to the office, I'll bring Token there.\nStan: All right.\nCartman: Wait a minute! You guys, this is very important: when I bring Token back to the office, have Kenny hide in another room, and call the phone on my desk.\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: Because I'll answer and pretend I'm talking to somebody super famous and important. When Token sees that, maybe he'll think we're legit.\nStan: It's genius.\nCartman: [motioning them away] Okay, go go, here he comes. [they leave, and he walks into Token's field of view talking into his cell phone] Yeah? Well then tell him we're just not interested. [stops just before they collide] Oh hey, Token! Buddy, my man, what is up?!\nToken: Nothin'\nCartman: [puts his phone away] Hey, you know, I heard you were doing something down in Denver tomorrow night.\nToken: Yeah.\nCartman: Yeah I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I'm actually an agent over at the Super Awesome Talent Agency. You may have seen our ads around town. Anyway, why don't you come down to the office, Token? Maybe I can convince the company to represent you.\nToken: I'm supposed to be home by 3:30.\nCartman: This will only take a second.\nScene Description: Cartman's basement - er, Super Awesome Talent Agency. Cartman takes Token down the stairs and onto the agency floor\nCartman: Welcome to our offices, Token. As you can see, we are quite a successful company. Did you notice the fountain? Pretty nice, hm? [they look at the fountains for a few moments, then Cartman turns Token around] Come on over this way, Token. [the other boys come to greet Token] Guys, you remember Token. He's thinking about becoming a client.\nStan: [sitting Token down on the sofa] Ohhhh Token. Right, yeah, you're makin' a smart move, man.\nCartman: Now, Token, I I know what you're saying to yourself: You're saying, \"Hey, why do I need an agency? Why should I give them ten percent?\" Right?\nToken: [Stan and Kyle walk off...] ...Yeah?\nCartman: [...and reappear on either side of him] Token, the truth is that without representation, you're in danger of being taken advantage of. [his phone rings] Uh uh, excuse me just a second, Token. [takes the \"call\"] Super Awesome Talent Agency. Oh yes, hello! How are you, Abraham Lincoln? [Token just looks on. Kyle is stunned that Cartman would mention Lincoln, then gets cross about it] Yeah, yeah, no, I'm happy you called, Abraham Lincoln. I'm just sort of in the middle of something right now.\nKyle: Can I talk to you?! [grabs Cartman's shoulder]\nCartman: I'll I'll call you back, Abe. [hangs up. Kyle pulls him behind the partition]\nKyle: What the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: I'm making it look like important people call us.\nKyle: Abraham Lincoln has been dead for two hundred years!\nCartman: [thinks for a moment] ...well Token doesn't know that.\nKyle: Yes he does!\nCartman: How?!\nKyle: Token actually pays attention in school! Unlike you, fatass!\nCartman: Jew! [Stan comes around the corner]\nStan: You guys, we're gonna lose our client. [the boys come into view again]\nCartman: Yes, yes, I think that's a good idea, guys. Let's give Michael Jordan a call about that. [goes to his desk and clears his throat. Stan and Kyle flank him again] Ah, now, where were we?\nToken: We were at why I should give you ten percent.\nStan: Look, Token, here's the bottom line. You're gonna start having a lot of offers comin' at you from all directions. A media storm is about to hit you and you can't handle it on your own. Nobody can.\nKyle: Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Hootie... They all have agents. You need somebody to manage it all for you.\nStan: This thing in Denver is is just the crust, Token. With our support, you can have the whole pie.\nToken: [thinks a moment] Well, I guess that makes sense. All right. [the boys are a bit stunned at how brief and easy this was]\nCartman: Uh if... we could just get you to sign right here? [slides the contract towards Token, and Token signs it]\nKyle: Welcome to the team, Token.\nStan: Ah Kenny, Token just signed with us!\nKenny: (Hey, terrific!)\nCartman: From now on, we are an entertainment team, Token. You just do all the singing, all the performing and all the entertaining,and leave the rest to us.\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. The Miss Colorado Pageant is underway\nMC: And there are your finalists, the sixteen most beautiful women in Colorado. Here to sing for our sixteen lucky finalists, the winner of the Colorado Child Star Contest, Token Black. [a soul beat comes up and Token walks onto the stage. The crowd cheers him on, he hits his mark and begins to sing]\nToken: You'll never find...As long as you live...Someone who loves you...Tender like I do...\nMan: [\"You'll never find...\"] Wow, he's really great. We should get him to sing at Tommy's bar mitzvah [\"No matter where you search...\"]\nStan: Oh, you're interested in hiring our client?\nCartman: We represent Token. [hands the man a business card] Give us a call, we'll work out a deal.\nToken: Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, babyBut I'm the one who loves you and there's no one else! No-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else.\nMrs. Garrison: Just between us girls, nothin' gets my vadge wetter than a black man singing.\nPrincipal Victoria: [winces] Mr. Garrison, for the love of God.\nToken: ... (you're gonna miss my lovin')I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove.\nScene Description: Denver Convention Center, after the show, outside. The boys walk out with Token, who's counting the cash he earned.\nStan: You were awesome, Token!\nKyle: We knew you could do it!\nCartman: Two hundred dollars, Token, that's great! And ten percent of two hundred is...\nKyle: Twenty dollars.\nToken: Here you go. [hands Cartman $20]\nKenny: (All right!)\nCartman: Sweet!\nStan: This is just the beginning. I bet we start to see all kinds of offers comin' in for Token now.\nAgent: [walks up to the boys] Hey there my man, that was a great performance.\nToken: Thanks.\nAgent: Don Heisman, Creative Arts Agency in Los Angeles. I think you've got real promise. How'd you like to sign with CAA?\nToken: Are you serious?\nStan: [interjecting] Uh excuse me, Token already has representation.\nCartman: You may have heard of Super Awesome Talent Agency.\nDon: Mm, no. Uh, look, Token, there's some shows in LA we wanna book you on right away. If you come out to my limo we can talk everything through.\nToken: Oh my God! Okay!\nCartman: Token, you signed with us!\nToken: Oh, come on, guys. You have to see what a huge opportunity this is for me.\nCartman: What?! Uh they're not so great! They probably don't have a fountain in their lobby!\nDon: Actually, our fountain is two stories tall.\nCartman: ...Oooo...\nDon: Come on, Token, we have a lot to talk about.\nKyle: Mister, you can't do this to us!\nDon: Sorry kids, nature of the business, you know? [Token goes into the limo and takes a seat. Don follows him in] Do you like steak, Token? I know a great place for you locally. [the limo rolls off]\nCartman: ...Goddamnit! [throws down the $20 bill]\nScene Description: Super Awesome Talent Agency, day. The boys sit around a table trying to come up with other ways of attracting potential clients. Kenny relaxes on the sofa\nStan: So unfair... so unfair.\nKyle: All that time and effort we spent helping Token and this is the thanks we get?!\nCartman: This just goes to show that hard work doesn't pay off! I'm gonna be a homeless drug addict from now on! [Tuong Li Kim comes into view, climbing down the stairs]\nMr. Kim: Ahh hello, is this the Talent Agency\nStan: Huh?\nMr. Kim: I see this sign on the street for a talent agency? I need a representation. [the boys all perk up and look at Lu Kim, then jump at the chance to get a new client] Hey, wowee, nice fountain.\nStan: You were looking for a talent agent?\nMr. Kim: No, not me, my wife. [calls her down the stairs. She dutifully appears] This is Wing. She just come over from China. [puts his right hand on to the left side of his face so she doesn't hear] She over here uh irregarry. The Chinese Mafia help me out.\nStan: And what does she do?\nMr. Kim: Ah, she sing. She very popular in China. Hey, you just sit and listen. You'll be very impressed. [he barks commands at her, then goes over to a tape player, puts a tape in, and waits for Wing to sing. The boys take seats at a row of chairs nearby. Wing begins a bad rendition of ABBA's Dancing Queen] Well? What you think?\nStan: Uh, we're sorry dude, but getting her career off the ground would take too much work for us.\nMr. Kim: Aww, that's too bad. She just got accepted to be on American Idol in Ros Angeres, but I can't take her 'cause I have to mind the restaurant. [the boys think, then blink]\nCartman: You've ...already done all the work?\nMr. Kim: Yes. They say it pays a thousand dowar.\nKyle: Sir, we would love to sign your wife.\nStan: Yeah!\nMr. Kim: Rearry?\nCartman: We'll go to LA with your wife. All she has to do is go on the show, do all the performing, make all the money, and leave the rest to us. [Wing continues singing]\nScene Description: City Wok, night. The phone rings.\nMr. Kim: Shitty Wok, take your order prease.\nScene Description: City Wok, night. The phone rings.\nStan: Hi, Mr. Lu Kim? Uh hi, it's Wing's agents. Everything's fine, yeah, but we're supposed to arrive in Los Angeles in about four hours. Listen, does your wife ever eat? Or anything?\nMr. Kim: Oh, don't worry about her. She a very dericate little flower. See, she don't need to eat much.\nStan: Uhh, all right. We'll call you after she goes on TV.\nMr. Kim: Okay, bye. Oh oh wait! Can I talk to my wife, please?\nStan: Uh sure, here she is. [Stan puts the phone to Wing's ear, and Mr. Kim begins barking at her again] Okay, finarry everything rookin' up for me and my family. [outside there's a flash of light and three shadows pass through the doors] Welcome to Shitty Wok, take your order prease? [the men come into the light. They are three buff Chinese men] Aw crap, Chinese Mafia! [one of the men walks around behind the counter, grabs Mr. Kim's head with one hand and places a knife against his chin with the other] Aaaaahh! [the two men move around to the eating area and are met by four other Tong members]\nTong leader: Mr. Ru Kim, it appears we have a problem.\nMr. Kim: Oh, a problem? Rearry?\nTong leader: We smuggled your wife into the United States for you. You were to pay us ten thousand dollars for that service. Yet, we have yet to be paid.\nMr. Kim: We... we working on it! She, she got tarent agent! She's about to make a whole lotta money!\nTong leader: It's too late for that, Mr. Kim. Your wife is now our property. We taking her to Los Angeles, where she will work in massage parlor.until she works off the debt.\nMr. Kim: No, she... she not here! Prease, just give me a little more time! [the leader punches him in the face] Agh!\nTong leader: Where is she?!\nMr. Kim: She... she in Arabama.\nTong leader: You're lying. Turn him around!\nMr. Kim: Yah, wah, aaaah!\nTong leader: You don't wanna tell us where she is? All right. Puh la! Ching ga wai pan! [one of the men begins to grab trays of food and dumps the first one over the counter]\nMr. Kim: Ahhh! My shitty chicken! [the man grabs the next tray and dumps that over the counter] Nooo, the shitty beef! [the man grabs the next tray...] No! No wait! Prease! Stop! Prease! Not the shitty shrimp.\nTong leader: Tell us where to find her, Ru Kim! You have no choice.\nMr. Kim: She... she go to Ros Angeres with her agents! She gonna be American Idol. [the leader snaps his fingers, the other men let him go, and they all leave. Mr. Kim collapses on the floor sobbing]\nScene Description: Hollywood, day. A view of the Hollywood sign from a location above a main thoroughfare\nScene Description: A major studio. The boys walk among the various studios - Studio 21, Studio 22, Studio 23...\nStan: There it is! American Idol contestants!\nKyle: Jesus, we made it just in time! [the boys attempt to talk to the attendants]\nCartman: Excuse us!\nContestant: Hey kid, what do you think you're doing? [the boys turn to face him]\nStan: Ah our client has an audition to this show.\nContestant: Yeah. So do we! [the camera pulls back to show the long line of contestants waiting for their auditions]\nKyle: Oh crap!\nCartman: Dude, how long is the wait?\nContestant 2: It's been about seventeen days for me.\nStan: Oh no, no no no, come on! [the boys return to the attendants] Excuse me, ma'am.\nAttendant: Wait in line with everyone else. [turns away]\nStan: No, I don't think you understand. We're here with Wing. That's right, the Wing. [the woman]\nKyle: Ma'am, we are a very important talent agency. If your producers knew you were forcing people of our stature to the back of the line, well-\nCartman: Brrr brrr! Brrr brrr! Oh, excuse me, everyone. That's my cell phone. [clears his throat and whips out his phone] Hello? Oh yes, hi, Colonel Sanders! Yes, I'm doing great, but you know, heh, someone at American Idol doesn't know who Wing is.\nKyle: Aw, just forget it! [hauls Cartman away. The other boys follow, but Wing doesn't]\nCartman: Eh eh, you're right, Colonel Sanders! You shouldn't give her any more chicken.\nKyle: Goddamnit! Goddamnit!\nStan: We can't wait in line! We have to be in school on Monday!\nCartman: Stupid assholes! [they pass an agent talking on a cell phone]\nAgent: What do you mean your client isn't coming?! We're taping the show tomorrow! Where am I goin' to find another contestant? Fine! Go screw yourself!\nKyle: Ahh-d, excuse me, sir, did I hear you say you needed somebody for your show?\nStan: We have someone who's ready to go on TV right away!\nAgent: Really?\nCartman: Is there a cash prize involved in your show as well?\nAgent: Well yeah, winner gets a thousand dollars.\nStan: All right, our client will do it!\nAgent: Great! You kids just saved my ass! See you over at Stage 6. [moves off.]\nKyle: Hey, is your show as good as America Idol?\nAgent: Naw, this is better. It's called The Contender. [gets into a cart and drives off.]\nStan: What's \"The Contender\"?\nScene Description: The Contender commercial\nAnnouncer: Tonight, two people will compete for glory. One will stay, one will go home, in the new hit show by Sylvester Stallone.\nStallone: Hello.\nAnnouncer: The Contender!\nScene Description: The Contender taping\nAnnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Contender! Fighting out of the red corner, wearing blue and white trunks, the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico, Manuelo Furrrrnanda! [Furnanda dances and jabs at the air, then raises his arms. Mexican fans in the audience cheer him on]\nStallone: [at ringside, slurred speech] Le's go! Le's see a good fight!\nAnnouncer: And fighting out of the blue corner, wearing a gorgeous floral-pattern silk dress, Wing!\nCartman: Come on, Wing!\nKyle: Let's do it Wing!\nStan: Go Wing! [Kenny cheers on as well, but he's hard to understand. The bell rings. Wing's music comes up and she begins to sing \"Fernando\" as Fernanda sizes her up]\nStallone: Aw yeah! [Fernanda begins to deliver blows to Wing and the boys wince]\nThe Boys: Awww! [Fernanda delivers more blows]\nKyle: Oh my God, dude!\nCartman: She's got a hell of a chin on her, I'll give her that. [Fernanda delivers more blows until Wing is knocked out and falls to the side]\nThe Boys: [wincing] Awww! [Kenny draws his hood string tight around his face]\nCartman: Gay.\nScene Description: Stage 6, day. The boys stand outside the stage with cups in their hands\nStan: Anyone? Help four boys and a Chinese woman get back to Colorado?\nCartman: Your gift of hope is a great deduction. [no one stops to donate. Stallone and his producers come out and approach the boys]\nStallone: Hey kid! [Stan and Cartman turn around and he mumbles at them]\nProducer: Mr. Stallone says he's sorry it couldn't go better for you back there.\nStan: Oh, thanks.\nStallone: Yo kid. [mumbles some more]\nProducer: Mr. Stallone thinks your singer has a lot of talent. [Stallone mumbles some more] He really likes her voice. [Stallone mumbles some more] You know, the way she vocalizes the melody, [Stallone mumbles some more] it brings tears to his eyes.\nCartman: Thanks, Mr. Stallone. We're just sorry she wasn't a better boxer. [Stallone mumbles some more]\nProducer: Uh, Mr. Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding.\nStan: You do? [Stallone mumbles some more]\nProducer: He'll pay her four thousand dollars.\nCartman: Four thousand dollars? [Stallone mumbles some more and hands his producer a card]\nProducer: [hands the card to Stan] Be at this address tomorrow 2 p.m. sharp. And don't be late.\nStan: We won't! [Stallone mumbles some more, then leaves with his men]\nStan, Cartman: Waaaaah! [they run over to Kyle and Kenny, who have their own cups]\nStan: You guys, you guys!\nKyle: What?\nStan: Sylvester Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding tomorrow! He's gonna pay her four thousand dollars!\nKenny: (What?!)\nKyle: Get out!\nCartman: That's four hundred for us! We did it! [tosses his cup away]\nKyle: Woohoo! Yeah!\nStan: Yeah!\nCartman: Who let the dogs out?\nThe Boys: [dancing in pairs] Who? Who? Who who?\nCartman: Who let the dogs out?\nThe Boys: Who? Who? Who who?\nCartman: Who let-?\nStan: Whoa whoa, wait, wait. ...where's Wing? [the joy leaves instantly]\nKyle: What do you mean? We thought she was with you.\nCartman: Naw, sh-she was with you!\nStan: ...Oh Jesus Christ. If that big CAA talent agency finds out she has work, they're gonna try to steal her away from us again.\nCartman: [move forward] Wing? Wing?\nKyle: Wing?\nCartman: Wing? Here, Wing!\nKyle: Wing?\nKenny: (Wing?) [nearby, the Tong have arrived and abducted Wing]\nTong leader: You thought you could run from us, did you? [the boys look around, and Stan spots her]\nStan: Oh no! [he points towards Wing, who's now being put into a limousine. The boys race over] Hey! That's our client! [the driver gets into the limo and drives off]\nKyle: They did it to us again! That dirty talent agency stole our client again!\nCartman: Not this time! They dropped their card. Now we know where CAA Talent Agency is! We're gonna march in there, and get our client back.\nScene Description: A crisp clear night under a bright moon. The camera pans down and rests on a hilltop mansion\nTong leader: [in one of the rooms] You see, Mrs. Kim, when you made a deal with us, you signed your life away. Yes, we help Chinese citizens sneak into the U.S., but when they get here, they become our slaves. It's an age-old business, and nobody has the guts to stop us. [guards outside the house arm themselves]\nStan: [walking up the driveway with his friends] Two four nine all right, this is the place.\nKyle: Damn, CAA is pretty impressive.\nCartman: Of course it's impressive! They steal everyone else's clients!\nGuard 1: [says something in Chinese. Translations follow] \"It's just four little boys\" [the second guard says something to the boys as they walk up the stairs and pass through the front doors]\nCartman: Yeah, whatever. You can suck our balls.\nScene Description: The mansion, inside. The boys walk through a long, lavish hallway\nStan: Hello? We want to talk to somebody right now!\nCartman: Oh my God, you guys. Look! [they face a two-story-tall fountain with a curving stairway on each side] They do have an amazing fountain. [four guards appear and run down one of the staircases, getting into positions]\nKyle: You assholes stole our client! How about some Goddamn business ethics?!\nStan: You tell 'em, Kyle!\nKyle: You think you own the entertainment business, but you don't! Give us back Wing, RIGHT NOW! [the four guards open fire. the boys look for a place to hide and find shelter behind a counter.]\nStan: Jesus, they really want Wing as their client!\nTong leader: [hears the commotion nearby] What the hell is that?! Go! Go! [sends the guards with him out]\nKyle: Dude, maybe we should give up!\nStan: No! Screw that, dude! If we keep letting CAA take all our clients, we're never gonna make it as talent agents!\nCartman: Yeah, if these talent agents wanna play rough, we can play rough too! [leaves the counter]\nKyle: Cartman! [Cartman runs through the gunfire and makes it to a wall on which rest several guns. He takes one and cocks it. The four guards move down to the floor]\nCartman: Do you wanna play rough?! Okay! [comes out from behind the wall] Take this! [begins firing away. He has no control over the gun, so it fires everywhere. One of the guards is struck down, another one quickly goes up the stairs again]\nStan: We've gotta split up and find Wing! You and Kenny go that way! [Kyle and Kenny move away from the gunfire, Stan goes towards Cartman. Kyle and Kenny enter a blue room]\nKyle: Wing?\nScene Description: Two guards fire away. Kyle and Kenny duck and cover themselves, and two guards coming up behind them are killed. Cartman and Stan go down a hallway, with Cartman firing at everything in sight. Two guards follow them and fire away. Kyle finds shelter behind a red sofa tattered from the gunfire, but Kenny isn't with him\nKyle: [pulls out a yellow toy car] Stupid talent agents!\nScene Description: Kyle looks up from behind the sofa and throws the car towards the gunmen. One of them slips on it and flies out a window, the other slips on it and falls back onto the mansion's fuse box. He gets electrocuted\nKyle: [stirs] All right, Kenny, let's go! [stops when nothing happens, then looks] Kenny? [the camera pulls back to show Kenny, shot up and bleeding, dead on the floor] Kenny! [walks over to Kenny with his arms open] Don't worry, Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. [hugs Kenny, sobbing] We're gonna get Wing back as our client and... and make a ton of money! I swear it to you!\nScene Description: Kyle hugs Kenny again. Cartman and Stan enter the room where Wing is being held. Cartman again opens fire and three guards fire back. Kyle enters the room with his own gun and fires at the guards\nKyle: They killed Kenny!\nStan: You bastards!\nTong leader: Enough! [comes into view with a gun to Wing's head] I have a lot of respect for you boys finding your way in here. But you come any closer and I'll blow her brains out.\nCartman: Don't give us that crap! She's no good to you dead and you know it!\nStan: Yeah, you wouldn't kill her, 'cause then she can't pay you money! We know because we're in the same business you are!\nTong leader: This woman has a contract with us! We own her!\nKyle: She had a contract with us first! We own her!\nTong leader: Her life belongs to us!\nKyle: Her life belongs to us!\nStan: [intervening] Guys! Guys! Guys! Don't you see what we're doing? Jesus... we're not talking about an object here, we're, we're talking about a person. I mean, look at what we've all become. All this violence and anger and, and for what? For control over somebody's life who... w-we're all just trying to leech off of.\nKyle: Yeah.\nStan: Wing doesn't belong to us or to you. We're all just caught up in a business that treats people like commodities.\nTong leader: [releases his grip on Wing and lowers his gun] Perhaps... you're right. We spend all this time... mooching off the hopes and dreams of others, forgetting that they are human beings.\nKyle: Yeah. It's not a very satisfying feeling.\nTong leader: [sighs deeply and turns around] I am tired of this business. It is a very dirty and perverse business.\nStan: It's a lousy business. I quit.\nKyle: Me too.\nCartman: Aw aw guys, come on!\nTong leader: We quit too. [his guards lower their weapons] It's time for us to find another way to make money. From now on, all contracts we have on people are null and void.\nStan, Kyle: All right!\nScene Description: Stallone's mansion, next day. He gets on stage to ...um, mumble\nProducer: [interpreting] Mr. Stallone thanks all of you for coming to his son's wedding. And now as a special treat, it is his pleasure to give you the music of... Wing! [cheers and applause as she takes the stage to sing \"Sing A Song\"]\nWing: Sing, sing a song, make it simple, to last your whole life long...\nMr. Kim: [seated at a table with the Tong leader and the boys] Boys, thank you so much for eveything. You rearry helped us out.\nTong leader: Yes, you were right, kids. Her voice is so beautiful. [\"Don't worry if it's not good enough...\"] To think we would have made it so nobody would ever hear her sing. [\"...for anyone else to hear.\"]\nStan: I think we all learned it's best to leave talent to the talented people. [\"Just sing...\" Token appears in the background]\nToken: Send a cress in your plates, folks? [\"Sing a song...\"]\nKyle: [notices] Token?\nToken: [notices] Oh... Hey guys. [walks up to the table] What, what are you doin' here?\nCartman: Token, you're... waiting tables?\nToken: Yeah. Well, it turns out an agency doesn't really do anything for you. [\"Sing, sing a song\"] I'm trying to work my way back home.\nCartman: Aw man, that's too bad, Token. Hey, could you bring us some more bread, huh? Oh and some more olive oil. Chop chop! [\"make it simple, to last your whole life long.\" Token walks off ]\nTong leader: My God, her voice is sooo beautiful! [\"Don't worry if it's not good enough...\"]\nMr. Kim: Yeah, she's a very dericate rittle flower. [\"for anyone else to hear.\" gets up and screams at her]\nWing: Sing, sing a song."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Early dawn over Cartman's house. Liane is still sleeping. Cartman runs into his mother's bedroom\nCartman: Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go! [moves to the foot of the bed] MOM, GET UP!\nLiane: [sits up, feeling sleepy] Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early.\nCartman: [goes to the other side of the bed and draws close to her face] Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game machines go on sale at seven a.m. today. I have to be the first to get one! [turns on her light] Come on! [goes back to the door]\nLiane: [still sleepy] Sweetie, can't we go after school?\nCartman: Everyone's moms are taking their kids after school! We're outsmarting everyone by getting to the store right when it opens! Let's go!\nScene Description: Liane's car, some time later. She and Cartman drive along, Cartman bouncing happily in his seat\nCartman: I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when I show up to school with a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh PLEASE let Kyle cry! [they pull up to the curb and stop. Cartman gets out of the car] WHAT THE HELL?!\nScene Description: Before them is a long line of people in front of Luau's Toys waiting for the PSP. The camera reaches the front of the line only to find Kenny right at the front door. He's the first one in line. Cartman approaches Kenny\nCartman: Kenny, when did you get here?\nKenny: [looks at his watch](Friday)\nCartman: Friday?! Aw, Jesus! [he switches tactics] I'll just... sort of get in here- in here. [gets in line between Kenny and the Goth Kids]\nTall goth: Hey dickhole! What do you think you're doing?\nCartman: Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place in line.\nSixth grader: There's no saving place, fourthie! Get to the back or we'll beat your face in!\nCartman: Oh, Goddammit! [moves to the back of the line] They'd better not sell out!\nScene Description: The bus stop, later in the day. Kenny is playing with his PSP as Stan and Kyle look on. Stan and Kyle weren't in line\nKyle: That thing is pretty cool. What games did you get with it?\nStan: [answering for Kenny] It's a game called \"Heaven versus Hell.\" Kenny commands the armies of heaven against the forces of Satan. [Cartman walks up to the other boys, but he's quite upset. He crosses his arms] Dude, you see what Kenny got?\nCartman: YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE! [Cartman folds his arms]\nKyle: Wuh what'd I do?\nCartman: JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!!!\nGame voice: \"Congratulations! You have reached ...level nine!\"\nKyle: Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick ass in \"Heaven versus Hell.\"\nStan: Yeah, Kenny finally found something he's really good at.\nScene Description: A montage follows. Kenny is seen in class playing on his PSP, then in the cafeteria, then in the playground, then in his bedroom at night. He reaches level 24. He's then seen at the amusement park with his family, still playing with his PSP, then in \"The Mine Shaft\" roller coaster, where he reaches level 45. He's seen on the bus playing on his PSP while the other students are having fun, then in Le Bijou playing while Stan and Kyle watch a movie, then on the sidewalk passing some hot babes - he doesn't look up to acknowledge them, then in his bed again at night. He reaches level 54.\nScene Description: Kenny's house, day, the kitchen. He's still playing on his PSP\nCarol: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing? [Yep] Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else!\nKenny: (I could get to level sixty!)\nCarol: Who cares if you almost made it to level sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it?! You're gonna end up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your dead-beat father!\nStuart: [offscreen] Hey, I heard that, bitch!\nCarol: I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!! [Kenny leaves, having tuned her out all the while]\nStuart: [offscreen] How about I come in there and kick your teeth in!\nCarol: I'd like to see you try!\nScene Description: Kenny leaves the house and goes to the sidewalk. His parents continue arguing inside.\nStuart: Goddamnit, do you have to smart off at me in my own house?!\nCarol: It's my house too, you no-good loser!\nGame voice: You have reached level sixty!\nKenny: [starts jumping around excited] (Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s-!) [an ice-cream truck runs over him. The driver misses this, as he's playing on his own PSP]\nDriver: Oh yeah, level four, sweet!\nScene Description: The street. Kenny's body lies on the road. Eventually his ghost rises out of his body\nKenny: (Hey, that's odd.) [He rises up in the air.] (Hey, I'm floating. That can't be! Hey wait!) [he then speaks too fast to decipher, but he toes towards heaven.]\nScene Description: He reaches heaven, right side up, and bounces once before landing. He walks towards a giant golden gate\nAngel 1: Open the gate!\nAngel 2: Open the gate! [the gates open and an elderly man walks towards Kenny. Kenny shields his eyes from the bright rays.]\nPeter: Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny. I am Peter.\nKenny: (What the fuck is going on?)\nPeter: There isn't much time, Kenny. You're dead, but, your death was no accident. Heaven needs you.\nKenny: (Me?)\nPeter: Come! There is much to discuss. [they both enter and behold a gleaming city on a hill. Inside, the city has all the appearance of a super-basilica, built with gold and marble. Angels flit around doing stuff] Things are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan is planning a massive attack and he knows we are too few in number to stop him! God has changed the rules here. For ages, only Mormons were allowed into Heaven. [they pass the Mormons, who greet them] But knowing that Hell was becoming much larger, God decided to let more people cross over so that he could build an army as well, an army that YOU must command.\nKenny: (That I what?)\nPeter: The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine who on Earth had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan. You... are the best. YOU, are the only hope for the universe.\nScene Description: In a great courtyard outside the super-basilica. An angel addresses the others\nAngel 3: Satan's army grows as we speak. The Dark Lord knows that our armies are few in number, and unorganized. So our only hope... is perfect strategy. [steps aside to show Kenny off]\nAngel 4: A child? This is God's solution?\nPeter: He beat Satan's army in over three thousand separate simulations.\nAngel 4: Archangel Michael, what say you?\nMichael: [looks out into space, then turns around] The child did something none of us could: Reach level sixty on the PSP. Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverance, but it's Goddamned impressive. All right, Kenny, let me show you what we're up against. [two other angels roll a chalkboard to him, and he begins drawing up strategies.] This is the Kingdom of Heaven. Satan's armies will attack the gate ...here. They are... ten billion in number. Maybe more. [sniffs the fumes from the Sharpie] Our armies are here, here, and here. Just under... ten thousand strong. [sniffs again] We are outnumbered and in need of someone who can single handedly bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically, Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves. [Kenny just sits there.]\nScene Description: Hell. Satan's armies mill about, the troops arm each other. Satan addresses them\nSatan: My fellow damned souls! Now is the time for our assault! [with him is a small hooded figure] You know no fear! You will drink the blood of angels! We go now! Nothing can stop us!\nAngel 5: Step aside! Step aside, I say! [stops when he sees Satan] Satan! God has mocked thee once again!\nSatan: My spy!\nAngel 5: God has found a way to defeat your army.\nSatan: Impossible! How?!\nAngel 5: A young man. Basically, he-he's like Keanu Reeves.\nSatan: [slumps down in his throne] Oh Jesus Christ.\nHooded figure: My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now!\nSatan: What's the point?! They have a Keanu Reeves now.\nHooded figure: Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great!\nSatan: Very well. [rises and addresses his army] Demon Army, begin your march on Heaven! [a loud roar comes up from the army]\nScene Description: Michael and Kenny walk to one of the ramparts and look out over Heaven\nMichael: Up here, you get the best tactical view to protect the fortress. It is from here, Kenny, that you shall command the armies of heaven.\nKenny: (All right. How am I supposed to do that?)\nAngel 6: Simple. You will use... this. [bows towards a chair and backs off. A golden PSP descends onto the chair]\nMichael: [gets the PSP and shows it to Kenny] This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.\nAngels: Hail the holy PSP.\nMichael: It works just like the ones we sent to Earth. All the commands you make will be sent to the troops down on the battlefield. All you have to do is play the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's for reals.\nAngel 7: Gabriel returns with news!\nGabriel: Hell's army is departing! They head now for the Gates of Heaven.\nMichael: Prepare the troops! [the angels take off] We must be ready for them! [walks up to Kenny] The time is at hand, Kenny. The stage is set and the final battle between Heaven and Hell is about to begin! The fate of the outcome is in your hands. [Kenny vanishes. The angels notice] Where'd he go?\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. The paddles have been taken to Kenny and fired away.\nFemale nurse: Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!\nDoctor: Then that's it! We brought him back.\nMale nurse: Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody who's been legally dead for almost a day!\nDoctor: Call the parents. They're going to be shocked to find out... their son is alive.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass, later\nDoctor: It's the latest in electro-plastilical science. Your son's organs are all functioning again.\nStuart: It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive.\nDoctor: I'm afraid he can't respond to you. You see, being dead for that long, most of Kenny's brain cells died from lack of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in what we call a \"persistent vegetative state.\"\nCarol: Will he ever recover?\nDoctor: I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be repaired once dead. But his soul is still in here. [places his hand on Kenny's chest] Almost... trapped in here, if you will. Kenny is the same as he ever was. It's just that, now, he's more like ...a tomato.\nStuart: He can't more on his own-ah how will he eat?\nDoctor: A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient paste directly into Kenny's stomach. With it we can actually keep Kenny the tomato alive for years.\nScene Description: Back in Heaven, business goes on as usual\nMichael: [reading a scroll] A feeding tube?!\nGabriel: Yes. Apparently they're using machines to keep them alive.\nMichael: But... that's not natural. God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?!\nAngel 3: The child's soul is now trapped inside his vegetative body. We have no one to command the troops with the PSP.\nGabriel: And Satan's armies are approaching.\nMichael: Oh, Goddammit.\nScene Description: A brick building. Inside, a lawyer sees the four boys.\nLawyer: Boys I want to thank you for coming down to my office on such short notice. [the boys are shocked]\nStan: Are we in trouble or something?\nLawyer: No. Boys, I'm a lawyer. Your friend Kenny has passed away and I've called you here to read his will.\nKyle: Kenny had a will?\nLawyer: [clears his throat] \"In the highly likely event of my death, I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all my belongings to my good friends, Stan and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends a guy could have.\"\nStan: Oh wow...\nKyle: That's... really touching.\nCartman: (looking bored) Fags!\nLawyer: To Eric Cartman: \"Eric, I never really liked you. But then, nobody does. You have no ability to feel, and you are going to die alone and miserable. It is only because I feel so sorry for you that I leave you my Sony PSP.\"\nCartman: [suddenly excited and cocky] Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man? Who the man?\nLawyer: There is one more thing I would like to ask you all, as my friends. If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life-support, please,... [Cartman is still dancing. The lawyer reaches the last page and... can't fine it]\nStan: Please what?\nLawyer: I don't know. I lost the last page.\nCartman: Who cares? Kenny's dead! [rushes up to the lawyer's desk] When do I take possession of my PSP, sir?\nLawyer: [pulls up a box from nowhere and puts it on his desk] It's right here, along with Kenny's other belongings. They're all yours.\nCartman: [salivating] Yes!\nMan: [enters the office] He's alive!\nStan: What?\nMan: Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital! [leaves]\nKyle: Oh my God! [he and Stan rush out of there, leaving Cartman incredulous]\nScene Description: Satan's armies continue their march to Heaven. Satan looks on through his crystal ball\nHooded figure: Your army nears the Kingdom of Heaven, my Lord.\nSatan: I don't know if we should continue without knowing more about this Keanu Reeves God has.\nSpy angel: Satan! I come bearing good news! The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven.\nSatan: [whispers] Then God is helpless. [aloud] Full march, to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours!\nScene Description: The boys reached Hell's Pass and enter Kenny's recovery room\nStan: Kenny?\nKyle: Kenny! You're alive!\nStan: Dude, how'd you do that?\nDoctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused severe damage to his brain.\nCartman: Well... well then he's NOT alive.\nCarol: He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk to him. I think...\nCartman: That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look. [climbs onto Kenny's bed and holds out a $1 bill] Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar?\nStuart: I-I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I-I just... I don't know what he would want.\nStan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.\nCartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive via feeding tube.\nCarol: He did? When?\nCartman: Um, it was um, this one time...\nKyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!\nCartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid?! [steps forth] Did you all hear that? [steps back to his little group] Uh I mean, I mean this isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!\nKyle: He did not!\nCartman: Did so!\nKyle: Did not!\nCartman: Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! [moves towards the door] I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court! [runs out]\nScene Description: Heaven. The angels mill around inside the fortress\nPeter: Satan's army has crossed over the Plains of Limbo!\nGabriel: Then they will be here on the morrow. Without Kenny's soul here there will be nobody who can use the holy PSP.\nUriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level fifty-nine.\nMichael: [thinks for a moment] Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!\nAngel 9: Yeah\nAngel 10: Yeah\nAngel 11: Yeah\nAngel 12: Yeah, Uriel!\nUriel: Oh, right right, I'm sorry\nMichael: Kenny remains our only hope! Here is what we must do. [walks up to the chalkboard and starts writing] Gabriel and Uriel, you go down to Earth and try to get that feeding tube removed. In the meantime [sniffs those Sharpie fumes] we will put all our troops at Heaven's Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Army from breaking through as long as possible. [sniffs those Sharpie fumes] Hopefully, it will be long enough to get our Keanu Reeves back.\nScene Description: The Colorado Supreme Court, day.\nCartman: You see your honor, I was the only one that Kenny McCormick told his wishes to. And Kenny told me specifically that he would never want to be kept alive on a machine. What they're doing to him ...is not right.\nChief Justice: Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents want their child kept alive. I don't believe you have any legal authority here.\nCartman: I do have legal authority, your honor. You see, I was Kenny's... BFF.\nJudge 2: Best friends forever?\nCartman: That's right. Kenny and I have been BFFs since first grade. Here, look. [brings forth a necklace with the left half of a BFF heart medallion] Kenny has the other half of this BFF necklace. I believe you all know what that means, and how serious this is.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, Kenny's room. Kenny's parents keep vigil with Stan and Kyle.\nCarol: Look, Kenny, your friends are here to visit you again.\nDoctor: [entering with a policeman] But this just doesn't seem right.\nStuart: Wha, what's the matter, doctor?\nDoctor: I'm afraid I've been given a court order to remove Kenny's feeding tube.\nCarol: What?\nCartman: [comes in with the Chief Justice] He's right in here.\nKyle: Cartman!\nChief Justice: Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want to be kept alive artificially. The courts have determined we must obey his wish.\nKyle: Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!\nPolice officer: Sir, take a look at this. [has Kenny's necklace in hand and points to the other half of the BFF medallion. the justice walks over the officer puts the two halves together]\nChief Justice: [steps back] That's all the verification we need. Pull the feeding tube, doctor.\nCarol: No doctor! You can't!\nDoctor: I'm sorry. I have no choice. [pulls the tube and drops it on the floor]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, outside. Uriel and Gabriel arrive\nGabriel: Here is the hospital\nUriel: [the blonde angel without a shirt] This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot interact with anything on Earth, how could we possibly get a feeding tube removed?\nKyle: [exiting the hospital with Stan] That dirty no-good sonofabitch!\nStan: Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding tube out, he's gonna die for sure! [they walk through the angels, then the angels turn around]\nGabriel: The tube has been removed?\nKyle: How can they let an eight-year-old decide Kenny's fate?\nUriel: Apparently, some blessed child has done our work for us.\nGabriel: Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes with the child's death a second time.\nKyle: Dude, we have to do whatever we can to get that feeding tube put back in!\nStan: Yeah!\nGabriel: No!\nStan: Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make everyone in the country know that they're killing Kenny.\nKyle: Yeah, come on! [grabs Kyle and they go away]\nUriel: No! No, no boys! Aw Goddammit! [the angels follow]\nScene Description: HBC World News. Splashy graphics.\nAnchor: This is HBC News. A right-to-die case debate is heating up in Colorado, [Kenny is shown] where Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been removed by his BFF. [a choked-up Cartman shows his half of the BFF medallion] Two boys are bringing national attention to this story by protesting outside the hospital.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, outside. The protest has begun\nStan: Don't kill Kenny!\nAll: You bastards!\nStan: Don't kill Kenny!\nAll: You bastards!\nUriel: [drifting through the crowd] No! No, they're not killing him, they're letting him die!\nSkeeter: You bureaucrats have no right to play God and take that tube out!\nGabriel: Nono, see, they were playing God when they put the feeding tube IN!\nAnchor: A woman was arrested for trying to bring food to the patient. [Two officers haul Mrs. Garrison out of the emergency room]\nMrs. Garrison: Get your man-hands off of me!\nAnchor: However, a growing number of people are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman.\nMan 1: [in a crowd of people wearing BFF chains] We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces would become meaningless\nMan 2: We all have BFFs, and we believe that a BFF is the highest legal authority.\nCartman: That's right. Respect our authoritah.\nScene Description: Satan watches on his TV, which is much nicer than the one in his bedroom. The hooded figure stands nearby\nSatan: What mockery is this?!\nHooded figure: My Lord...\nSatan: The feeding tube has been pulled! If the child dies and his soul returns to Heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves!\nHooded figure: Perhaps the child won't die in time.\nSatan: Forget it! I'm calling the attack off!\nHooded figure: No! Keep your army marching, my Lord. I will get that feeding tube put back in. [turns and walks off]\nSatan: How?\nHooded figure: I will do what we always do: Use the Republicans.\nScene Description: The White House, a press conference on the lawn. People carry signs saying \"Kenny Is Alive\" \"Murder Is Not A Choice\" and \"Don't Kill Kenny\"\nGeorge Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the tragic events in Colorado. [the crowd cheers]\nHooded figure: [appears and whispers into Bush's right ear] Removing the feeding tube is murder, hughughughughughugh...\nGeorge Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!\nHooded figure: [whispers into Bush's left ear] Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?\nGeorge Bush: Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?\nHooded figure: [whispers into Bush's right ear] It is God's will that he live!\nGeorge Bush: It is God's will that he LIVE! [the hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear] Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...\nHooded figure: No no, you don't say that part. [hisses into Bush's right ear]\nGeorge Bush: No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha. [the crowd looks at him in stunned silence]\nScene Description: Heaven's Gate. The armies of Hell converge in front of it\nAngel 9: Jesus, their army is massive.\nAngel 10: Heaven help us.\nScene Description: HBC World News.\nAnchor: The biggest battle of all time is about to begin: the battle of the feeding tube! As people on both sides of the argument vie for media attention.\nScene Description: Kenny's hospital room. Both sides of the controversy chatter away\nKyle: We want all the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain!\nCartman: I believe the people at home see he's NOT in pain because he's a tomato!\nKyle: You say tomato, but I say Kenny!\nCartman: You say Kenny, but I say tomato! [both sides yell at each other]\nCartman's Side: Tomato!\nKyle's Side: Kenny! Kenny!\nCartman's Side: Tomato!\nJudge: [The executioner of Kenny's will] Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the last page of Kenny's will. [Everyone quiets down]\nCartman: What?\nJudge: I found the page where Kenny specified his wishes about being on life support.\nStan: Well, what does it say?\nJudge: [clears his throat] If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life support, please... [flips to the last page] for the love of God, don't ever show me in that condition on national television. [not a word is uttered for a few seconds]\nStan: Oooo.\nMan: Oowhoops\nKyle: Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get out of hand. This issue is so complicated, but... m-maybe we sh-should just let Kenny go in peace.\nStan: You mean, Cartman's side is right?\nKyle: Cartman's side is right, for the wrong reasons. But we're wrong, for the right reasons.\nBoth sides: Yeah.\nKyle: Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants to be left alone. [everyone walks out.]\nScene Description: HBC World News.\nAnchor: We've just received word that Kenny McCormick... has passed away. The debate still rages on in America, but at least now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful place.\nScene Description: Heaven, inside the fortress. Angels scurry around in a panic\nAngel 11: The armies of Satan have already broken through the gate!\nAngel 12: We're gonna die!!!\nMichael: Send our troops to the battlefield! I'll command as best I can!\nGabriel: Michael! Michael! [he and Uriel bring Kenny to Michael] The humans finally did the right thing!\nMichael: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him into the command station! Hurry! [Uriel and Gabriel sit Kenny down and strap him in] Satan's army charges! Tell our troops what to do, Kenny! [Kenny sets to work on the Golden PSP, manning the controls like a pro] So it begins. [Gabriel and Uriel leave Kenny to his task and fly off. The camera focuses on Michael] Now we shall see the final battle between Heaven and Hell play out! [Kenny continues playing, and Michael provides commentary] Yesss, good, Kenny! The angel spearmen are taking out their demon soul rippers! Oh, the cavalry angels are clashing with their Black Knights! Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic! Ohh, they're bringing in their demon dragons! Look at the size of them! My God, this is even bigger than the final battle in the Lord of the Rings movie! It's like, it's like TEN times bigger than that battle!\nScene Description: Hell. Satan is watching the battle through his crystal ball\nSatan: No! NO! How are we losing?! [the spy angel returns]\nSpy angel: The child's soul is in Heaven! God has his secret weapon!\nSatan: Full retreat!\nHooded figure: Patience, my Lord!\nSatan: No, Kevin! [turns and glares at him] That's it! I'm breaking up with you! [one blast from his eyes and Kevin is dead]\nScene Description: Heaven. Kenny's still at it\nMichael: Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are retreating! This is TRULY a sight to behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder! [Kenny continues to play] We have done it! We have defeated the armies of Satan! [the angels in the battlefield look around and celebrate weakly. The angels then gather around Kenny, and Peter joins them.]\nPeter: Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved all of Heaven!\nMichael: Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all you've done, we are going to give you a very special gift. For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this. [two angels haul something into view] Keanu Reeves' statue. [a ten-foot statue of Keanu Reeves on a three-foot base] Congratulations. [everyone claps for him]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A baseball field in scenic Rocky Mountain territory. Stan is on the pitching mound\nKyle: [infield, right] This is it, Stan. If you strike this kid out, we all get to go home.\nScene Description: Announcer's booth\nLocal announcer 1: Now batting for Conifer is little Allen Varcas. [Allen gets ready to swing]\nScene Description: The bleachers\nRandy: Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't hit it can't hit it can't hit it.\nMr. Varcas: Hit it out of the park, Allen! South Park sucks!\nRoger: Just look at those boys out there, lovin' the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids. [sips]\nScene Description: the field\nKyle: Aw God, I'm so borrred. [Token yawns over at first base]\nButters: I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug. [Stan simple stretches out his left arm and catches the ball, then pitches it to Alan. Alan swings and misses]\nUmpire: Strike.\nMr. Varcas: That was no strike! What the hell is wrong with you, ref?\nRandy: Good call, ref! Good call!\nMr. Varcas: Come on, Allen! This pitcher throws like a girl!\nRandy: What'd you say?!\nMr. Varcas: You heard me, asshole!\nRandy: You want me to kick your ass right here?! [Mr. Barkas stands and looks at him]\nSharon: Randy, sit down.\nMr. Varcas: You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth!\nRandy: [takes off his shirt and throws it aside and challengers] Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna do?\nSharon: Randy, don't!\nMr. Varcas: You'd better shut up, asshole!\nRandy: I'm standin' right here! How do you wanna handle it?\nMr. Varcas: I told you to SHUT UP! [throws his beer at Randy. Randy takes his beer and throws it at Mr. Barkas. They start fighting back and forth. Stan looks on from the pitcher's mound]\nStan: [turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Aw Jesus, not again.\nKyle: Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid out so we can end the season! [Stan puts on his game face and throws the pitch. Alan swings and misses]\nUmpire: Strike three! You're out!\nStan: Yes! It's over! It's over!\nLocal announcer 1: That's it. South Park wins the game 4 to 0.\nCartman: [runs to the mound] We're done! No more baseball!\nKyle: No more boring baseball until next year!\nStan: We can start having fun again! [falls to the ground and rolls around]\nCartman: All right, we did it! [the rest of the team shows up and celebrates]\nStan: We did it! We did it!\nSteven: [as the coach, arrives] Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're going to the finals! Woohoo! [the boys stop cheering and look at him]\nStan: ... What?\nSteven: Well we won! That means we've got the best record in the division! [the parents rush onto the field]\nGerald: Congratulations, boys! You're goin' on to the post-season. Woohoo!\nCartman: Post-season?\nKyle: Nobody said anything about a post-season.\nTom: [Craig's Dad] There's more little-league baseball for South Park! Yehheah! [the adults begin celebrating while the kids are dumb-struck]\nStan: No... NOOO!!\nScene Description: Outside, after the game. Randy is hauled off to a waiting Conifer patrol car, drunk and tattered. His pants are down to his ankles\nRandy: This is for what?! Arresting me for what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?! I thought this was America! Huh?! Isn't this America?! I'm sorry, I thought this was America! [he's put into the back seat]\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, night. The boys are gathered there for a pizza dinner\nKyle: I can't believe it. I can't believe we have to keep on playing.\nCartman: Nobody told us if we win too many games we'd go on to the finals!\nStan: Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that bad.\nCraig: Not all that bad? How could you say that?! You hate this game more than any of us!\nStan: I know, but listen: the finals are all sudden-death elimination, right? That means as soon as we lose one game, our season is over.\nButters: Well yeah, but... we usually win.\nCraig: All the other teams are worse than us.\nJimmy: Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners.\nStan: I know we can lose if we try.\nKyle: You mean, throw the game? You know how our parents are about this sport.\nButters: Yeah. My dad always said \"It's Okay to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're grounded, Mister.\"\nThe other boys: Yeah, uh huh.\nStan: Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team quietly that we're gonna let them win, and then we'll act like we're trying. Our parents will never know.\nButters: We'd better hope they never know, or else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck, I tell ya!\nScene Description: At the entrance of Whistlin' Willy's, the adults are gathered, relaxing\nGerald: Boy, that was great, wasn't it?!\nRoger: Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em! [the doors open and Randy walks in]\nRandy: Heeey!\nMen: Heeey!\nSteven: You're out. [hands Randy a beer]\nGerald: How much was bail this time? [hands Randy a beer]\nStan: Hundred bucks, no big whoop.\nRichard: Boy, you really beat the crap out of that Conifer dad.\nRandy: Well somebody had to put that knucklehead in his place.\nSteven: Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself in the playoffs.\nRandy: Wha-what do you mean?\nSteven: I mean, you always get in a fight with scrappy redneck dats up here in the mountains, but some of those Division Two dads are tough!\nGerald: Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and obnoxious.\nRandy: I can fight anybody. I just need to train. I just need to get in the best shape of my life.\nScene Description: The master bedroom at the Marsh house. The alarm clock clicks 7:30 and the radio comes on\nDJ: ...the Beatles in the White Album in Helter Skelter. Okay- [Randy clicks the radio off]\nScene Description: Randy rises from the bed and sits up, leaves the bed and shrugs, and wipes his nose a bit. He enters the kitchen, gets a glass, then goes to the refrigerator. He gets three eggs, cracks them open on the rim of the glass, and pours them into the glass. He picks up the glass and moves off a bit, then pours the eggs into a hot pan and scrambles them. He then picks up a beer, drinks, burps, and farts\nScene Description: Fort Collins baseball field, night\nFC announcer: We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins, and the Little League Division One Playoffs. [applause all around as the teams meet on the field]\nStan: Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna win, so uh, [pulls out a yellow sheet of paper] here's a list of all the pitches I'm gonna throw, in order.\nFC team: Ooooo!\nFC fat player: I don't think so, South Park\nFC pitcher: Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we have to keep playing this boring game!\nFC team: Yeah!\nKyle: You hate this game too?\nFC batter: Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals and had to do this lousy-ass tournament!\nFC catcher: We wanna play video games.\nButters: Oh no!\nStan: Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight, all right?!\nFC pitcher: I don't think so! There's no way you can lose to us! We're going doowwn! We're gonna get creeaamed!\nKyle: No, we're gonna get creamed!\nFC batter: We'll just see about that!\nSP team: Oh yeah?\nFC team: Yeah!\nRandy: Oh boy, they're really gettin' into each other's heads out there. [standa and claps] Yeah! Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins kids got nothin'! Wooo!\nMr. Pratt: [claps] Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have it! Yeah!\nRandy: [nudges Sharon] Guess that's my guy. I can take him, no problem. [drinks. On the field, Fort Collins is up at bat]\nCartman: All right, hit one out of the park!\nFC announcer: And first up for Fort Collins is... Morgan Pratt.\nRandy: Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp batterbatterbatterbatter!\nMr. Pratt: Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream these turds! [Morgan gets ready to swing, Stan sends his pitch and Cartman catches. Morgan does not swing]\nUmpire: Steerike!\nRandy: Yeah!\nFC team: Yeah, all right!\nStan: Damnit!\nCartman: [sends the ball back to Stan] Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing at it.\nMorgan: No way! I'm striking out!\nKyle: Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just throw balls. That way he'll have to walk to first base. [Stan thinks, then throws the pitch. It goes wide and Cartman catches it]\nUmpire: Ball!\nCartman: All right! [throws it back to Stan]\nFC pitcher: Morgan!\nMorgan: [looks over] What?\nFC pitcher: You have to swing when it's a ball, otherwise, you're gonna walk to first base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike!\nMorgan: [faces the dugout] Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed to know if he's gonna be throwing a strike or a ball?!\nFC pitcher: You just have to guess.\nMorgan: Aw, Jesus! [turns around and goes back to bat. Stan looks to Cartman for cues]\nCartman: Ball. Balll. [Stan pitches right down the middle]\nUmpire: Steerike two!\nStan: No!\nCartman: That was no strike, that was a terrible pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik surgery!\nRandy: Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin' at nothin'!\nMr. Pratt: Come on Fort Collins! This team can't pitch! [Stan pitches, Morgan hits] There you go, Morgan! Run run run!\nMorgan: Aw damnit! [heads to first base]\nFC pitcher: Why the hell did you swing at it?!\nMorgan: Well I thought he was gonna throw a ball that time! [Fort Collins is ahead 1-0. Another FC batter comes up...]\nUmpire: Strike three! You're out!\nFC batter 1: All right!\nScene Description: Later. Fort Collins is pitching; The pitch is wide as Cartman waits at bat\nUmpire: Ball four!\nCartman: What?!\nRandy: Walk to first! Woo!\nCartman: [throws his bat down and walks] Aw Goddamnit! [as Cartman walks to first, anotherr SP runner walks home]\nUmpire: Safe!\nKyle: Crud! [the scorekeeper updates the board]\nRandy: Fort Collins can't play!\nMr. Pratt: Why don't you shut your mouth before I kick your ass!\nRandy: [gets up and takes off his shirt] Come on, let's go! I'm right here!\nSharon: Randy...\nMr. Pratt: Sit down before you get hurt! [Randy throws his beer at him] Mother bitch! [the two men begin fighting on the bleachers]\nStan: [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Goddamnit... [the men have taken the fight to the field and are next to a trashcan. Stan pitches and the FC batter fails to swing]\nUmpire: Strike three! [The South Park adults stand up and cheer. The next scenes go into time-lapse: more runs are added until the final score is reached: 4 - 3]\nFC announcer: That's it. South Park wins the game. [the Fort Collins team cheers]\nStan: Aw spit! [throws his mitt down on the mound. His father is arrested again with his pants around his ankles and hauled towards a waiting patrol car]\nRandy: [slurred] Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im on chars in America, I'm sorry!\nScene Description: Greeley, CO, day, Greeley Field, home of the Tigers. Stan pitches, the Greeley batter chases a pitch\nUmpire: Strike three. You're out.\nGreeley batter: [leaves] Yeah!\nGreeley team: All right! Yeah! Woohoo!\nGreeley man: Goddamnit Brian, swing!\nRandy: Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks!\nScene Description: South Park is up. Its batter sees a ball and doesn't swing\nUmpire: Ball four!\nButters: Aw hamburgers. [throws his bat aside]\nSP team: God! [Randy takes off his shirt, challenges, and the two men begin to fight]\nScene Description: on the field. The Greeley batter doesn't swing\nUmpire: Strike three!\nCartman: How the hell was that a strike?! [starts kicking dirt on the umpire] Goddamnit, he's going to first!\nScene Description: After the game. Randy is hauled off a third time\nRandy: What, is this a Communist country or something?! I thought this was America!\nScene Description: Pueblo, CO. day. A Pueblo batter swings and misses\nUmpire: ¡Strrrrike tres!\nPueblo team: Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular!\nPueblo dad: ¡Vamonos Pueblo! ¡Viva la Pueblo!\nRandy: [using a Spanish textbook for assistance] ¡Pueblo, no bueno! ¡Pueblo es muy mal! [a pitch is sent to an SP batter, who doesn't swing]\nUmpire: ¡Ball cuatro, por favor! [the scoreboard is updated, Randy fights with the Pueblo dad and is hauled off a fourth time]\nRandy: This is America! This is an honest America!\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's. The team is at table again, but with a trophy they didn't want. The adults begin to approach them\nSteven: Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing in the State Championship Game! [the adults cheer]\nGerald: We're so proud of you kids!\nCartman: What happens if we win the State Championship game?\nSteven: Well, then your whole season starts over, but on the national circuit! You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball!\nKyle: What?\nMr. Donovan: You could do it, kids! We know you can win State!\nSteven: Then we'll spend the whole summer going to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming.\nStan: Oh no. No, no, no!\nScene Description: Outside the restaurant, day. Randy stands by the curb looking into space. He has a black eye. The doors open and Stan walks out\nStan: Dad? Dad, we need to talk.\nRandy: [doesn't move] Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship game. It's... the greatest thing ever.\nStan: [sighs] Goddamnit. [goes back into the restaurant]\nRandy: I've worked hard, believed in myself, and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State Championship game. [smiles] This is gonna be the biggest fight of my life.\nScene Description: South Park News\nAnnouncer: This is News 4, at noon.\nScene Description: Coors Field, in Denver\nAnchor Tom: The Colorado Little League State Championship is being played this week. Two teams of youngsters get to go head to head at the major-league stadium downtown.\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing here with the little sluggers and some of their parents, and I can't tell you how excited they are.\nStan: I don't suppose you guys want to win this game.\nDenver player: Win? Why the hell would we want to win?\nDenver player 2: Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer.\nReporter: [draws closer to the teams] Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for the South Park Little League team, and Stan, how does it feel to be playing for the State Championship?\nStan: Gay.\nReporter: Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of your son.\nRandy: They've worked really hard to get here, Chris, and, you know, I don't like to really \"trash-talk,\" but, I don't think Denver has a chance.\nReporter Chris: Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids' parents would disagree with you and your team-\nBat dad: [blue headdress and cape, pops in] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [leaps closer to the camera] South Park is goin' down! Feel it comin'! [humps back to Randy] You ain't got a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver, here we go! Huh, huh!\nSheila: Who's that?\nA woman: That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver players' fathers. He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight.\nTom Nelson: There ain't no way some little mountain kids can beat Denver. Not with my son on second base!\nReporter Chris: Oho, looks like we got some parental trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh, any comments?\nRandy: Well I think that there's a uh...\nTom Nelson: Mr. Marsh? Who wants to hear from a Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father! Iii am the Bat Dad!\nDenver cop: [one of two come to take him away] All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come on.\nTom Nelson: Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!!\nReporter Chris: Well, tension is certainly high here, but I guess everything will be decided on the playing field.\nRandy: [realizing he could end up like that] Oh my God.\nDenver player 3: Good luck! You're gonna need it.\nDenver player 4: Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible. [the Denver team leaves, as do all the adults]\nKyle: Dude, what are we gonna do? We can't win this game.\nCartman: Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth point in a sports movie, the team always goes out and finds a really sweet player to join their team.\nClyde: Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears.\nCartman: Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need... is to find somebody to join our team, who totally sucks ass.\nStan: Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody who can't possibly win.\nCraig: But who?\nKyle: I know who.\nScene Description: The airport, day\nAnnouncer: Announcing the arrival of flight six seven three, from New York City. [among the people leaving the airport is Kyle's cousin, Kyle]\nKyle Schwartz: I'm baaack!\nKyle: There he is! Now, don't let him know we think he's a loser, or else he won't play. [the team goes up to greet him]\nKyle Schwartz: Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight was terrible. They served a chicken dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas.\nKyle: Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining our team.\nKyle Schwartz: Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am. I'll need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play, though. Sometimes I sweat from holding the bat for so long and then the heat steams up my glasses.\nCraig: He's perfect.\nStan: Yeah, with him on our team, we don't stand a chance.\nScene Description: Coors Field. No one is in there except Randy, who walks along the stands looking around. He sees a sign that sais \"Colorado Little League State Championship.\" He moves along. Next, he's at a beach far from Colorado looking at the sunset. He sneaks back into his bedroom as Sharon sleeps, closes the door softly, and sits on the side of the bed.\nRandy: [softly] ...I'm not gonna go. [Sharon's eyes opem, and she rises a bit]\nSharon: What?\nRandy: Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm not gonna go.\nSharon: Why?\nRandy: I just... don't think I can, all right?\nSharon: You don't think you can?! This is the biggest game of your son's life! Why wouldn't you go and support him? What-? [Randy rises and faces her]\nRandy: Because I'm scared, all right?! [Sharon stays quiet] You wanna break me down?! You wanna hear me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know if I believe in myself anymore. [turns away and bows his head] I don't know if I can take this guy, Sharon.\nSharon: So then, don't. You don't have to get in fights with other parents at Little League games! Just sit there and watch!\nRandy: Look, I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to realize that I have to fight him because it's who I am.\nSharon: No, I'm telling you you don't have to get thrown out of games and make an ass of yourself.\nRandy: I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon. But you have to take Stan to his Little League game alone. [walks off]\nScene Description: Coors Field, day\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the Colorado Little League State Championship Game! [the crowd cheers] This must be pretty exciting for these youngsters. A chance to go to the national circuit. [the teams meet at the pitcher's mound]\nDenver pitcher: You know what these guys look like to me? A bunch of winners!\nDenver catcher: Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!\nCartman: I don't think so! You guys are way too good! You're the best at this game!\nDenver pitcher: You're the best!\nKyle: You guys are so good you'll probably go all the way to win the national title!\nDenver pitcher: Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose to you right now!\nBat Dad: Here we go, Denver! These South Park kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver!\nWoman: Chris, will you sit down?\nAnnouncer: [in the Press Box] First up to bat for South Park, Kyle Schwartz. [Kyle 1 comes up to bat]\nKyle Schwartz: [stands on home plate] Where do I stand?\nUmpire: R-right over here. [Kyle 1 looks, then goes to one side of the plate with his back to the pitcher. The umpire positions him properly]\nKyle Schwartz: Don't throw the ball too fast, because I might get startled and I have asthma. [The pitcher throws the ball. Kyle 1 pulls his bat back]\nUmpire: Strike 1!\nSP team: Yeah! All right!\nKyle Schwartz: Jesus, not so close! That was three feet from hitting me in the head!\nSecond baseman: He's not gonna swing! Throw balls!\nKyle Schwartz: [swings and misses] Oh Jesus!\nUmpire: Strike 2!\nSP team: Yeah!\nStan: Wow, he IS great at sucking.\nCartman: [happily] We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose!\nKyle Schwartz: Don't throw it so hard or so close next time! Is it cold out here? I think I need a jacket. [The pitcher squints and focuses on the bat, which says \"Barry Bonds\" on it. The pitcher throws the ball and hits the bat, which falls out of Kyle Schwartz's hands]\nUmpire: It's a bunt!\nRoger: Run kid, run!\nKyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus! [runs towards first base]\nKyle: Aw crap! [Stan drops. Kyle 1 goes towards second and no one is stopping him. He passes it]\nKyle Schwartz: [out of breath] I can't, I can't keep running like this! I have corns in my feet!\nSteven: Keep running, kid! [one of the SP players has his face buried in his right hand]\nBat Dad: Throw the ball to third, you idiots! He's runnin' home! [Kyle 1 heads towards home and passes that]\nUmpire: Safe! [the crowd cheers and the scoreboard displays him and \"HOMERUN!!!!\" underneath. Smaller screens on the board display fireworks]\nKyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus, did you see that? I hit a homerun! High-five, everybody! [nobody high-fives him]\nKyle: Oh my God... their pitcher was able to hit him right on the bat.\nStan: Dude, we had it all wrong. While we spent all our time trying to make our team suck, these guys practiced and got really good at sucking. [next pitch: the ball hits the bat again, and the SP runner has to go to first, as it's a bunt. Token goes up. The pitch hits the bat at the top - another bunt]\nToken: No!\nMr. Williams: Yeeaahh! Go Token go!\nScene Description: Denver is up to bat\nBat Dad: All right, Denver! You're up to bat now! [Butters is waving his hand for some reason, and the Danver batter squints and focuses on Butters' glove. Stan pitches, the batter hits, and Butters catches the ball. He's dismayed to find it in his glove.]\nUmpire: Out!\nDenver team: Yaaay!\nKyle: Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves out! [the scoreboard is updated in time-lapse: Denver doesn't have a run on there.] Our whole summer, dude. We have to play this boring game all summer long.\nButters: [frustrated, takes his cap off and throws it on the ground] Son of a biscuit!\nScene Description: Coors field, later\nAnnouncer: It's the bottom of the last inning here at Coors Field; the score is South Park 23, Denver 0. [a tired Stan pitches right down the middle and the Denver player doesn't move]\nUmpire: Strike 1!\nBat Dad: Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do not cross the Bat Daaad!\nGerald: Geez I really wish this guy would shut up.\nBat Dad: Why don't you just go home, South Park? You can't beat Denver!\nA voice: Denver sucks ass! [Bat Dad looks over. Randy has arrived with a tray of five beers. He's ready to rumble. He sits three rows behind Bat Dad, next to Sharon] Come on, South Park! These kids can't play! In fact, these kids are terrible! [Stan pitches, the batter swings after Cartman catches the ball]\nUmpire: Strike 2!\nKyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never won a sport before; this is so exciting.\nRandy: It's over, Denver! South Park whupped your ass!\nBat Dad: You'd better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!\nRandy: [stands up, takes off his shirt, and challenges] What do you wanna do, huh? [Bat Dad climbs over the seats and he and Randy begin to fight, taking it to the aisle]\nStan: [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] This can't get any worse. [the two men continue fighting at the bottom of the level and towards the foul pole. Bat Dad picks Randy up and throws him over the railing. Randy bounces off a bench, breaking it in two.]\nBat Dad: [stands on the railing and spreads his cape wide open] Now for the finishing move! You're about to be Bat-Dadded! [jumps off, but misses Randy entirely. They end up in the bullpen.]\nCommentator: It all comes down to this! South Park is just one pitch away from being State Champions. [Bat Dad delivers blow after blow and has Randy on the run] Oh geez, it looks like two parents are fighting. They'd better be careful. The Little League has a no-tolerance policy.\nUmpire: [comes out of home plate towards the men] Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your teams disqualified!\nStan: [comes off the mound and stands next to Kyle] Disqualified? [looks at Kyle for a few seconds] Fight! Keep fighting! [the fighting continues, and two more umpires enter the picture]\nUmpire 2: Break it up! Break it up! [the fighting continues. Bat Dad delivers a blow, shown in slow motion. It connects, and Randy falls backwards to the ground] That's enough! The next person that fights is getting his team disqualified!\nBat Dad: He's done for anyway. [walks off. Randy rises, slowly]\nStan: Come on, Dad! Get up!\nKyle: Get up! You have to fight! [Randy is trying]\nUmpire 2: All right, come on! Let's play ball!\nSP team: Randy! Randy! Randy!\nMickey: Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum!\nSharon: Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me!\nCrowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!\nRandy: [now standing] Hey Bat Dad! [Bat Dad turns around] I didn't hear no bell.\nSP team: Yeah! [Randy goes on the attack, delivering blow after blow. The umpire and guard return]\nUmpire 2: Stop, stop right now! [Randy continues the assault] I'm warning you, sir! [Randy begins singing in falsetto, then knocks Bat Dad to the ground with one final blow.] That's it! That's it! South Park is disqualified!\nSP team: Yeah!\nSP adults: Aww!\nCommentator: South Park has been disqualified from the game! Denver wins! [The South Park team goes over to Randy, take off their hats, and celebrate their defeat. The Denver players are dismayed at this turn of events and throw down their caps. Two Denver officers come in to get Randy]\nKyle Schwartz: We... We lost?\nRandy: [now arrested and turned around] What? I thought this was a free country! [now being escorted out of the Field]\nStan: Dad! [the guards let go and Randy turns around] You're the greatest. [Randy leaps for joy!]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen sitting at the breakfast table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of plates\nStan: [impatiently tapping the table] Dude, where is she? We can't wait.\nKyle: God, this is gonna be sooo yummy.\nCartman: Stan, you said your mom was bringing Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?! [Sharon arrives]\nSharon: Hi boys.\nStan: Mom!\nKyle: She's here!\nCartman: She's got Colonel!\nKyle: I want some!\nCartman: Oh boy!\nStan: [twirling around] I want a breast!\nCartman: Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy?\nSharon: Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken.\nThe boys: Awww!\nStan: But Mom, we've been waiting for hours!\nSharon: It won't take a minute.\nCartman: Come on guys. If we all help out, we can do it super-fast.\nStan: All right.\nKyle: [firmly] Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good. [Cartman stays behind and quickly sits back down. As the other boys head out of the kitchen, Cartman rips the skins off the chicken pieces and wolfs them down. Sharon and the other boys return with the groceries.]\nStan: Okay, this is everything, mom. [the boys return to their seats]\nKyle: All right, let's eat Colonel! [Cartman leaves as the others sit]\nStan: Oh, boy! [they see the denuded chicken pieces. Stan looks at Cartman in anger] Cartman, you ate the skin off of EVERY PIECE OF CHICKEN!\nCartman: [turns around] Well, I saved you all the chicken part. [quiet burp]\nKyle: The skin's the best part...\nCartman: [puts on his jacket] Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books. See you at the bus stop tomorrow. [he leaves the kitchen. The boys are puzzled as to what to do about it. Burying his head in his arms, Kenny sobs]\nScene Description: The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop, still angry because Cartman ate the chicken skin last night. Cartman hasn't arrived\nStan: I can't believe that fat asshole!\nKyle: You can't believe it?? He does this shit all the time!\nStan: Well this time he's gone too far!\nKenny: (Yeah, fuck him!)\nStan: Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?\nKyle: Hello?? I've been saying this for years!\nStan: Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time!\nKyle: Yes, but he thrives on that.\nStan: All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him.\nKenny: (Fuck yeah!)\nKyle: That sounds great!\nCartman: [arriving] Hey fags, what's going on? [no one says a word] Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was gonna die. [silence]\nKyle: Do any of you guys have milk money I can borrow?\nStan: I think I have extra.\nCartman: Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's a new one. [Stan fishes around for some money in his pockets, walks over a bit, and gives it to Kyle] Yuh, you guys know why Jews have glassy eyes?\nStan: Here you go.\nKyle: Thanks. [Stan returns to his post next to Kenny]\nCartman: Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have glassy eyes? Like Kyle? [neither of them says a thing] Eh. K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off? [chuckles. Kenny scratches his right side a bit] Kenny? Kenny?? [the bus pulls up and opens the door. The boys head inside. Stan enters first] Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric! [Kenny enters next] Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents? [Kyle enters last] Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here! [Seeing no reaction, Cartman is stunned. The door closes and the bus pulls away] Wha...? How did...? Like they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost as if I were... [close-up] dead. [dramatic music] No. No, I can't be dead. [runs off] I can't be dead!!\nScene Description: The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers are carrying away a box\nBlack plumber: All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed and we'll haul away the old one away for ya.\nLiane: Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just don't know how to thank you.\nBlack plumber: Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh.\nLiane: Ohoho, nhn.\nScene Description: Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box away and he fears the worst\nCartman: No! No!!\nFat plumber: What happened? Did they say?\nThin plumber: Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides.\nFat plumber: Aww, that's tragic.\nCartman: Oh my God, this can't be happening! [he then hears his mother wailing softly, then louder] Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true! [he gets closer to her window. Inside his mother's room, on her bed, the black plumber is pounding Liane from behind, but the bed's noise does not reach Cartman's ears. Cartman turns, wailing.] Oh, it's not fair! [falls to his knees and cries out] Why??? Why??? [cries some more. Liane cries out some more as well]\nScene Description: The playground, recess\nJimmy: Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman? [Kyle catches a football]\nStan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore. [throws the football back]\nKyle: We're ignoring him.\nToken: Ignoring him? How come?\nKyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath!\nToken: Oh yeah.\nCraig: Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you?\nBlond: Yeah.\nKevin: Me too.\nOther boys: Yeah, screw him! Yeah.\nClyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option.\nCartman: [arriving] Guys! Guys? [the two teams are seen: On screen left are Jimmy, Token, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. On screen right are Timmy, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and the blond boy. The teams toss the football at each other] Can anybody hear me? You guys?? [approaches Token] Token, Token, I'm here! [leaves] Hello! Hello! Hello! [approaches Clyde] Clyde, can't you feel me? [moves him around, but no reaction from Clyde] Feel me, Clyde! [moves on to Jimmy] Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric! [blows on Jimmy] Jimmy! [puff] Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me! [turns away] They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead. [begins to tear up] Dead and... still wandering the earth a lost soul.\nScene Description: Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town crying, and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...]''\nWoman: What is that kid doing?\nMan: Ah I don't know, just ignore him.\nScene Description: A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's cries have gotten deeper, more emotional\nScene Description: Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house. Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins\nScene Description: Next day, Butter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk to the front door\nButters: Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, you've got some too-\nCartman: [walking by, lamenting his fate] What did I do to deserve this?! [Butters pays attention] How can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?!\nButters: Hey Eric! [goes back to shoveling snow. Cartman stops in his tracks]\nCartman: ...What did you say?\nButters: Huh I just said, \"Hey Eric!\"\nCartman: Butters... [runs back to Butters] Butters! You can see me??\nButters: Well, sure I can see you.\nCartman: Oh my God, and you can hear me??\nButters: [giggles] Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you?\nCartman: Because, Butters, I'm... dead. [a few moments of silence]\nButters: [screams and drops his shovel and runs off, hiding behind the family car. Cartman follows him]\nCartman: Butters! Butters, I just want to talk to you!\nButters: You died?? How??\nCartman: I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides.\nButters: But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you?\nCartman: I don't know, but you're the only one who can.\nButters: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs toward the front door, opens it and runs inside, slamming it shut]\nCartman: Butters! [tries to open the door, then pounds on it furiously] Butters, Goddamnit, I need your help!\nScene Description: The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors. Butters is hiding there.\nLinda: Butters, what on earth are you doing??\nButters: Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people!\nLinda: Dead people?\nStephen: Who's seeing dead people?\nButters: Me! I saw a ghost!\nStephen: Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts.\nButters: But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now!\nStephen: Butters, these things happen all the time. You've got a very active little brain and your mind was just playing tricks on you.\nButters: Ruh, really?\nStephen: Yeess.\nButters: So... so it was just... it was... just my ima... magination then?\nStephen: That's right. There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real. There's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super-AIDS.\nButters: Huh s-s-super-AIDS?\nStephen: That's right. A new form of AIDS which is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt and you're dead in three years.\nButters: AAAH! [drops his flashlight] Oh Jesus.\nStephen: So now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except the super-AIDS.\nScene Description: Night time at Butters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. Butters is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to sleep.\nButters: Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just some lightning and thunder. [closes his eyes, but a thunderclap opens his eyes wide] Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither. J-just a mouse. [he looks out the window again. Cartman is seen standing by the bedroom door]\nCartman: Butters...\nButters: [points] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [turns away and ducks under his covers]\nCartman: Butters, you have to help me!\nButters: Go away! You aren't real!\nCartman: All right, Butters, you leave me no choice. [pulls out a chain, rattles it, and utters ghostly sounds]\nButters: [panics, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Cartman leaves the bedside and hides. Butters' door opens and his parents walk in]\nStephen: Butters, what is going on?!\nButters: Well I saw... [points to... nothing] Well he was... [sees there's nothing to prove] Nothin' I-I just had a nightmare.\nStephen: Well you'd better stop having nightmares or else you're gonna be grounded!\nButters: Y yes, yes sir. [they leave, but Stephen takes one last quick look around, then closes the door. Butters mumbles a few things, then tries to sleep]\nCartman: [suddenly on the bed] Butters.\nButters: AH- [quickly muffles his mouth so his parents don't hear]\nCartman: Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination! I'm dead and for some reason you can see me!\nButters: But I don't want to see you!\nCartman: Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one who died! And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on Earth. I can't find the passage to Heaven.\nButters: Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven?\nCartman: What do you mean?\nButters: Well... how do you know you're not supposed to go to... you know... Heck.\nCartman: I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm not black, all right?!\nButters: Oh.\nCartman: Now look: I thnk the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved one. I can say my final goodbyes to them through you.\nButters: I can't. Ahah, I have school tomorrow.\nCartman: This is your problem, Butters! Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life! [brings out the chain, rattles it, and makes ghostly noises with his voice]\nButters: Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll help you!\nScene Description: Dawn at Cartman's Residence, the next day. Butters and Cartman approach Cartman's house. Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped cookies. Butters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing into a small towel.\nButters: Mrs. Cartman?\nLiane: Yes? [turns around] Oh hi.\nButters: This is going to seem very strange and, and you may not believe me, but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something.\nLiane: Oh, what is it?\nCartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I love her.\nButters: He says, he love you. [Cartman sobs]\nLiane: [moved] Oh, that's so nice.\nCartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I wish... I wish I would have been a better son sometimes!\nButters: He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes.\nCartman: [emotional] It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes... took my family for granted!\nButters: He he got caught, he got caught up in the rat race of, of taking things for granted.\nLiane: Oh, that's so sweet. [teary-eyed] Oh, I love you too, poopiekins! [sobs. Cartman sobs too, and then Butters sobs in sympathy]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Butters and Cartman approach it first and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it\nButters: Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you being a no-good stinking Jew. [Cartman sobs. Kyle looks, then gets annoyed] He's asking for your forgiveness. And and he wants you to just remember the good times.\nCartman: Just the good times.\nKyle: There were no good times! And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself!\nCartman: I can't! Don't you understand?!\nButters: He can't! Don't you understand?!\nCartman: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive me!\nButters: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive him!\nCartman: [whips out a notepad] All right, come on, Butters, we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin' on him for bein' black. [turns around and walk off]\nButters: Uhh alright then. [Butters turns to follow, and Kyle is left looking puzzled]\nScene Description: Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them\nStan: Who was that?\nKyle: It was Cartman having Butters apologize for him.\nStan: Dude, he did that to me this morning.\nKenny: (Me too.)\nKyle: He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle.\nKenny: (That guy would try anything)\nStan: Yeah, we know better than to think that.\nScene Description: Butters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking off more names on his notepad.\nCartman: Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty. That's everyone, I guess. [turns around] All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you.\nButters: [shuffles his right foot out of modesty] Aww, that's okay, Eric.\nCartman: [puts away the notepad in his inside jacket pocket.] Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think... I can go now.\nButters: So I won't see you again?\nCartman: Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars cash.\nButters: Wow.\nCartman: [backs up and waves his hands in front of him as if in a haze] G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime! Good-bye!! [Cartman steps back a bit more, then stops, then is annoyed]\nButters: Yeh you're still here.\nCartman: Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on?\nButters: Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough.\nCartman: What else do I have to do?!\nButters: Well, well, you know, the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes, you have to atone for something bad you did.\nCartman: Atone?\nButters: Did you ever do anything really bad?\nCartman: [thinks] Not really...\nScene Description: In Butters' bedroom, later\nCartman: Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it.\nButters: [writing] Broke fence...\nCartman: I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring. Uhh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and then made into chili which I fed to the kid.\nButters: Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for.\nCartman: Really?\nButters: Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this.\nCartman: I know how.\nScene Description: Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside a basket, a pair of scissors cutting away at a thick transparent plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and Butters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more baskets ready to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria. The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves. Butters and Cartman walk to their next destination with another basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street. They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the song below, with Butters and a recording engineer in the booth. Next, he and Butters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman hammers the new boards in place as Butters removes the damaged boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and Butters then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struthers' door. They're then back in Butters' bedroom and Butters marks off the last atonement.\nEric Cartman: I'm gonna make, make it right. I'm gonna take a little time and set things right. Make, make it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. It feels so good to be making up For all the things I've done wrong. I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven Wanted from me all along. All along, I'm gonna make, make it right. Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate. Not faking it, I'm making it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. Make, make it right! Make, make it right! Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight!\nCartman: Well, there's everything, Butters. [stands up and walks off a bit] I've made everything right.\nButters: Does this mean... you have to go now?\nCartman: Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. [waves his hands around again as if in a haze] Goodbye Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe. Goodbye... [his back hits the wall under the window, and he looks at his hands] Goddamnit, what?! I've made everything right!\nButters: Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason.\nCartman: I want my eternal bliss! Do you think this is funny, God?! [grabs Butters' bat and begins destroying his room with it. First to go is the lamp on top of the foot locker, then something else, then a picture of Butters sitting on a tree stump, then the television, then the television stand, ] Do you think this is funny?\nButters: Eric! Calm down.\nCartman: [destroys the bookshelves, then the toy area] Stupid butthole God! [chucks the bat at Butters, who leans out of the way. The bat smashes his mirror apart. Cartman leaves. Butters surveys the damage, then his parents show up]\nStephen: Butters! What have you done?!\nButters: I-I-it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost!\nLinda: Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor.\nStephen: No, I think you'd better call a doctor. I'll ground him.\nScene Description: Butters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on house call leaves Butters' bedroom\nLinda: What do you think, Doctor?\nDoctor: Your son is suffering from severe dementia. He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him. This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past. I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests.\nLinda: Oh no. [buries her face in Stephen's shoulder] NO!\nScene Description: South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating room, Butters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up\nDoctor: [in a booth with Butters' parents] All right, Butters, just try to relax. [two robot arms grab Butters along the sides of his torso and head, pick him up, and flip him over] Doin' just fine, Butters. [the arms reposition themselves and raise Butters a little higher. A big red anal probe closes in and begins to vibrate] Just stay perfectly still now, Butters.\nButters: [nervous, tries to look back] Lu lu lu, lu lu lu [the anal probe enters and shakes him violently]\nDoctor: Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters. [the probe takes one last, deep jab. Then, to Stephen.] Don't worry, Mr. Stotch. Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it. [the robot arms now rock Butters back and forth as the probe does its stuff.]\nScene Description: Butters' recovery room, later. The doctor and Butters' parents are at bedside\nDoctor: Well, after fourteen hours of testing, I can say Butters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressed memory syndrome. You see, Butters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear.\nButters: So... the ghost was in my head. The whole time.\nStephen: Now do you believe us, Butters?\nButters: Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you.\nDoctor: Good. We're making a lot of headway. We'll do some more testing tomorrow. All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest. [they leave]\nLinda: [stays behind long enough to kiss Butters on the forehead] Goodnight, baby. [leaves. The lights go out]\nButters: [relaxing and sleeps...] Ahhh. [...but Cartman appears at the foot of the bed]\nCartman: Butters.\nButters: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!\nCartman: Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get you out of here.\nButters: Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore.\nCartman: I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look! [shows Butters an ad for a psychic] Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal. She can tell us what to do!\nButters: Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event.\nCartman: She's gonna close soon! Come on! [pulls Butters out of bed and away]\nButters: Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!\nScene Description: The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television, but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and Butters are there\nButters: [still with heavy eyelids] Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?\nPsychic: Certainly. Come in. [Butters and Cartman follow her in] Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek.\nButters: Well, there's this ghost, see? Only it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma. Well I'm supposed to heh, help him, find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane.\nPsychic: Well, many times, the reason that the soul stays Earth-bound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event.\nCartman: Of course. That's it, Butters! We had it wrong all the time!\nPsychic: But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the time.\nButters: Really?\nPsychic: Yes. When's the last time you saw yours?\nButters: Well, he's sittin' next to me right now.\nPsychic: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out of the room screaming. The TV turns on mysteriously behind the boys]\nButters: Hey, I think she could see you too. You really are a ghost.\nCartman: I told you, Butters. [a breaking news item comes on]\nAnnouncer: This is breaking news!\nAnchor Tom: A tragic event is unfolding in South Park. Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding twelve people hostage at the Red Cross!\nReporter Chris: Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me, and threatened to kill all the workers inside. The violent men are demanding a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars cash.\nCartman: Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters. This psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day!\nScene Description: The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the police try to control the crowd\nOfficer: Stay back, people!\nMan: Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child are in there!\nDet. Yates: Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody getting hurt.\nLead convict: You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars or these people start dyin', man!\nScene Description: The Red Cross, outside. Butters and Cartman sneak past the police barricade\nCartman: All right, Butters, I'm going in alone, first. Give me thirty seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostages.\nButters: Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me.\nCartman: Don't worry. I have a plan. [movers towards an entrance]\nButters: Eric. [Cartman turns around] Well, be careful, ghost pal.\nCartman: They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead. [Cartman moves towards the front door. The detective notices]\nDet. Yates: What the hell is that kid doing?\nScene Description: The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian blinds\nBald convict: Somebody's comin' in!\nConvict 2: It's just some little fat kid. [the door opens and Cartman walks in. He starts making haunting, ghostly noises and rattling desks]\nBald convict: What the hell is going on?\nConvict 2: I have no idea.\nCartman: Yes, it's working! [hops on a chair, picks up a book, waves it around, and flips the pages in the lead convict's face]\nLead convict: This is really weird. [Cartman walks over to a file cabinet, opens a drawer, and tosses out all sorts of papers. Butters enters the building, walking quietly as Cartman keeps the three convicts distracted]\nScene Description: The Red Cross, outside.\nReporter Chris: An incredible development here, Tom. Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross. [footage of Cartman entering the building is shown]\nScene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news\nStan: Cartman?\nScene Description: The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down. Butters has left the door open\nBald convict: [scratches his head] I'm so confused! [Butters goes over to the office, removes the chair blocking the door, and opens the door.]\nButters: Hurry. Go, go! [the hostages leave quickly, quietly. They exit the Red Cross.]\nOfficer 2: The hostages are clear!\nDet. Yates: [through the bull horn] All right, move in! [the officers move in. Cartman is dancing around shaking the bells and making ghostly noises]\nConvict 2: The hostages are gone!\nBald convict: What?! [the officers pour in and arrest the convicts] Son of a bitch.\nReporter Chris: Tom, an incredible story of courage. Two little boys, armed only with the weapon of confusion, managed to go in and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes.\nScene Description: The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take his leave for the third time\nCartman: Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the day.\nButters: Boy, we sure did.\nCartman: My spirit is at rest now. I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters, I think that, through this whole thing, we've really become friends.\nButters: Yeah. Uh I feel that way too.\nCartman: We both, kind of needed each other and... well... I'm gonna miss you.\nButters: I'll miss you too, ghost pal.\nCartman: [backs up again, waving his hands before him] Goodbye Butters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters! Goodbye! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him from his right side, Clyde, Token and Jimmy approach him from his left]\nStan: Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did.\nClyde: Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now. [both Cartman and Butters are stunned that everyone can suddenly see Cartman]\nKyle: We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have.\nStan: Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know. Talk to you tomorrow.\nJimmy: Yeah. S-see ya, Eric. [Butters looks down]\nCartman: [pissed off] You sonofabitch Butters!\nButters: Huh?\nCartman: You told me I was a ghost!\nButters: Huh but I thought you were one!\nCartman: How stupid are you?! So help me GOD Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to [points his finger at Butters] Get you back! [runs off. Butters just looks at him, baffled. His parents arrive with the doctor]\nStephen: [angered] Butters?!\nButters: Oh hamburgers."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down any difficult questions you had and put them in this box anonymously so we could discuss those questions in class, m'kay? I got a lot o' responses, so let's read some aloud. [pulls out the first letter and reads] \"Mr. Mackey is gay.\" [some of the kids laugh] Okay kids, that is not funny! M'kay?! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions! About, about serious issues! M'kay, let's, let's stop the tomfoolery. [puts it aside and reaches into the box for the next letter] M'kay, this looks like a real one here. [reads] \"Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay.\" [the class laughs] All right, all right. That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay? [reaches in to read the next one] Uh here we go. Okay, \"Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me, and you are gay.\" [the class laughs harder] Dammit, is there not one serious question in here?! [reads the next two letters] \"Mr. Mackey is gay.\" \"Mr. Mackey is gay.\" [gets the next letter] Okay, here. [reads] \"I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?\" [Jimmy looks around nervously. Cartman cracks up, and the rest of the class, except Jimmy, follows] All right kids, all right kids, that's enough! [a small bell is heard and Jimmy looks down] If you all can't be serious about the question box, [turns and writes \"drugs\" on the board] then we'll just do drug identification exercises, unkay?!\nClass: Awwwww!\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here and write down the names of two narcotics?\nJimmy: Uh no, that-that's okay, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!\nJimmy: Uhhh, just uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Well why the hell not?!\nJimmy: Uh... [waves him over. Mr. Mackey walks over and bends down to listen to Jimmy whisper in his ear]\nMr. Mackey: It's what... Oh, you do? R-right now, right now it is? M'kay, m'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy. [returns to the board] N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else. Um, Eric, why don't you come up here?\nCartman: Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?!\nMr. Mackey: Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now. [Jimmy shows some alarm]\nStan: He's what?? [Kyle shrugs]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves.\nStan: A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall? [the kids begin moving out of the way, leaving Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Maybe we should do the talent show.\nKyle: Well, what's the point? Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy.\nJimmy: Hey fellas.\nStan: Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving away a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show.\nJimmy: Oh I sure have. I've been working on my ruh... ruh... routine all year long.\nKyle: I don't know how you do it, dude. How do you get up in front of that many people?\nJimmy: Well fellas, entertainment is my life. I love being in front of everyone. [his penis gets aroused] Aaah!\nKyle: Huh wuh, what's the matter?\nJimmy: I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas. [rushes away and down the hall] Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh, cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please. [he grunts as he heads for the boys' room and enters, looking for an empty stall. He tries the first toilet stall]\nClyde: It's occupied. [Jimmy tries the second stall]\nCartman: No room at the inn, Virgin Mary. [Jimmy heads back to the sinks and throws water on his face, then throws water on his pants' crotch]\nButters: [enters and heads for the urinal] Hehey Jimmy! [arrives at the urinal, drops his trousers and lifts his shirt, and starts pissing] M'boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show? Why you must be excited! You'll probably win like always.\nJimmy: Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL excited... for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me?\nButters: [notices some heavy drops in the stalls] Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How about a courtesy flush?!\nCartman: Up yours, Butters.\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs. His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a newspaper.\nSarah: Hey Jimmy, how was school?\nJimmy: Fine, Mom.\nRyan: Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the classroom.\nJimmy: [stops in his tracks for a few seconds, then looks over his shoulder] What? Uh who told you that?\nRyan: Mr. Mackey, your counselor.\nJimmy: Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!\nRyan: Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But we know it's something you might have a hard time talking about. Get it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this.\nJimmy: Dz-n-Doctor Pal?\nDoctor Pal: [springs up from behind the sofa and quite eager to start. He talks quickly] Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. Are we cool?\nJimmy: Uh, sure?\nDoctor Pal: A lot of times parents call me in because I can relate to younger kids. I'm, I'm down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand you have some concerns about erections. [affects a joking manner] \"Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right. Oh God, I feel so weird\" huh?\nJimmy: Well, a little, yes.\nDoctor Pal: Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections. Almost every boy goes through a phase where his penis becomes hard... for no particular reason. It's just part of growing up. Growing up? Growing out is more like it. [laughs at his own cleverness]\nJimmy: But I have to make it stop! The talent show is this F-Friday.\nDoctor Pal: Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick and let us hipsters talk in privo.\nRyan: A-all right, come on, honey. [they rise and leave the living room]\nDoctor Pal: Jimmy, as you get older your body goes through a lot of changes. Certain hormones start to release as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken, and so, if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss.\nJimmy: Ke...c-come again?\nDoctor Pal: Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you thinkin' a different way. That's what Doctor Pal is here to do. [leans forward a little] Unless, of course, you think we should take off our shirts and kiss.\nJimmy: N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt and kiss!\nDoctor Pal: Well then to hell with you, kid. You can just deal with your problems on your own. [walks out the door and closes it behind him]\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream.\nAnnouncer: Next up for the talent show, put your hands together for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer! [he approaches the mic. On one side is a stool with a glass of water on it. The school audience is cheering]\nJimmy: Wow, what a what a great audience. So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this? She's very excited to get started on her new show, \"Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic ankle bracelet.\" [the audience laughs heartily] So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. Have you seen this, have you heard about this? [his penis is around and his erection begins to show] A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope, a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic. [the claps are few, his erection is bigger] Uh,.. so it so it looks like Michael Jackson is having back problem in court. [the kids begin to notice the erection and whisper to each other. Jimmy's beginning to falter] You know... huh... you uh you know what they say about b-b-b-b-back problems. [a girl screams and runs out of the gym. The other kids follow. Jimmy's penis has gotten so big it blocks his view of the audience. He moves it to his left so he can see everyone on his right] Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience. [swings it to his right to see everyone on his left] What a fantastic audience.\nMrs. Garrison: Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing AT you. [several shots of the audience laughing at Jimmy. Jimmy wakes up and sits up on his bed.]\nJimmy: Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh! [punches his genitals with both his fists, then falls asleep hard]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches.\nButters: Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's get together, I know what we can do, Lu Lu.\nJimmy: Butters!\nButters: Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. [turns off the tape player] I'm just practicin' for the talent show.\nJimmy: Butters, ah I really need to talk to somebody, and I think maybe you're the only person who won't make f-f-fun of me.\nButters: Oh gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem.\nJimmy: Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard?\nButters: [thinks a moment] Well sure I do.\nJimmy: Really??\nButters: Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should have a little talk. [they sit next to the boom box] You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady. Into her \"vagiiina.\" [fans his fingers out] Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy, and after it's all done sneezin' milk, the penis stops bein' hard, and the man loses interest in the lady.\nJimmy: So, when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. And then it stops being hard?\nButters: That's right, Jimmy.\nJimmy: But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to change books.\nGirl: Talk to you, Bertha.\nBertha: Okay, see you later, Jessie.\nJimmy: Hey Bertha.\nBertha: Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on?\nJimmy: Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina?\nBertha: What?? No way! [Cartman walks into view, overhears, then stops to listen]\nJimmy: But the talent show is tomorrow! [Bertha slaps him] Ooo!\nBertha: Jerk! [walks away, Cartman comes forward]\nCartman: Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?\nJimmy: I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?\nCartman: Dude, you don't just go up to a girl and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take her out for some Italian food.\nJimmy: Wow, seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid before?\nCartman: Sure, lots of times. I've been laid, like, five thousand times.\nJimmy: Well, wha-what do I do?\nCartman: I told you: a date and then Italian food. And then you gotta make her think you're a good listener.\nJimmy: Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very important that I score to-night! Can you come on the date and help me? You're like a white... Hitch.\nCartman: Why sure, they do this all the time in movies and TV shows. You go on the date and wear an earpiece, and I'll be nearby, secretly telling you all the right things to say.\nJimmy: Wow! Thanks, Eric.\nScene Description: A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell rings.\nMom: Shawna honey, I think your little date is here.\nShawna: [heads for the door] Okay, Mom. [opens it, and finds Jimmy waiting outside]\nJimmy: Hey Shawna.\nShawna: Hi Jimmy.\nCartman: [hiding in some bushes nearby] Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks.\nJimmy: Wow, Shawna, you look f-fantastic.\nShawna: Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?\nJimmy: We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini\nScene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service at their table.\nWaiter: Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentico experience Italiano. My name is Roma. Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis?\nJimmy: Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic pizzareli casserona poppers.\nWaiter: Right away. [walks away]\nShawna: You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school? I can't stand her.\nCartman: [at a nearby booth] Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what she's saying now isn't interesting at all, you say, \"Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.\"\nJimmy: Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.\nShawna: Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same purse and I was like, \"No WAY do I want it now!\" because who wants a purse that both their best friends have, right? And so-\nCartman: [Roma sets some plates of food on his table] All right, when she stops yappin' again, say \"Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right.\"\nShawna: I guess that's why I figured, \"Who needs friends like THAT?\"\nJimmy: Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right.\nShawna: It's like I told Debbie: \"If you're gonna go out with my friends-\"\nCartman: All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again, I want you to repeat whatever she said, and then follow it with \"Wow, how insightful.\"\nShawna: \"And so if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend.\"\nJimmy: \"If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend.\" Wow, how insightful.\nShawna: You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.\nJimmy: Really?\nShawna: Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do.\nJimmy: Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, because I really wanna stick my penis in your vagina.\nCartman: Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice.\nShawna: [stunned] ...What??? [crosses her arms and glares] I'm not doing that!\nJimmy: But the talent show is tomorrow night!\nShawna: Creep! [throws her glass of water at him and walks out. The water shorts out his headphones, and Cartman takes his off from the feedback]\nCartman: Aaagh!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the school...\nMrs. Garrison: Welcome students and parents to the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show! [some applause] We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through, so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over! [everyone quiets down] Okay, first up we have Billy Turner, from the third grade, who will be doing an alto sax solo. [out comes Billy with his alto sax and he begins to play Frиre Jacques. His notes are tentative and wobbly]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there sobbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into view.\nOfficer Barbrady: Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?\nJimmy: [looks up] Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh b-Barbrady.\nOfficer Barbrady: Jimmy, what are you doing here? The talent show is inside.\nJimmy: I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show. [sobs again]\nOfficer Barbrady: Not perform? [sits down next to him] But Jimmy, you love talent shows. Everyone in town knows that.\nJimmy: I just c-can't risk getting up in front of everyone.\nOfficer Barbrady: Why?\nJimmy: All right! I I keep getting an erection for no reason! Okay! But I can't get any of the girls here to let me... do it to them.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well of course not, Jimmy. Little girls don't wanna have sex.\nJimmy: Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard if girls don't wanna have it in their vaginas? It's like a cruel joke.\nOfficer Barbrady: Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure. They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point.\nJimmy: ...Colfax Point?\nOfficer Barbrady: Well yeah, those women will have sex with anybody.\nJimmy: Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus ...and get down there before the talent show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady! [heads off to the nearest bus station]\nOfficer Barbrady: You're welcome, Jim. [happy at first, he begins to think over that last conversation] Wait...\nScene Description: Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black woman wearing knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print shorts\nVoice-over: Colfax Point. Pimps and hos and tricks in rows. Women walk the street with corns on their feets. Broken dreams and no ice creams.\nScene Description: A car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion\nHo: You lookin' for a date?\nJimmy: [entering this hellhole] Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis in a woman's vagina. Any takers? [before him, a ho dressed as a Red Cross nurse is left behind by a customer] Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?\nProstitute: They call me Nut Gobbler.\nJimmy: Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid.\nNut Gobbler: Huh??\nJimmy: I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit, and the talent show has already started.\nNut Gobbler: You a cop?\nJimmy: No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.\nNut Gobbler: You got money?\nJimmy: Sure do.\nNut Gobbler: All right, you got a place to go?\nJimmy: Sure. I know the p-perfect place.\nScene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives.\nRoma: Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentic experienso Italiano. My name is Roma, and uhhh [recognizes Jimmy] Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer.\nJimmy: [grabs Roma by the collar and talks to him in hushes tones] Hey, can it, jackass! I don't want her to know I was just here with a different girl.\nRoma: Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come back with some garlic bread mediterraneane. [walks off]\nNut Gobbler: What are we doin' anyway?\nJimmy: This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll.\nNut Gobbler: I can't eat too much, I've got an infected urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood for a week.\nJimmy: Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.\nNut Gobbler: Huh? [takes out a lighter and cigarette and lights the cigarette] Well, that's it, I just piss blood! So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole.\nJimmy: Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your peehole. You are very insightful. Please tell me more.\nNut Gobbler: Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You wanna get laid or not?\nJimmy: Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's why I'm taking you to this ...fancy place and pretending to be interested in what you have to say.\nNut Gobbler: Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to take me to dinner OR be nice to me.\nJimmy: What? Fo-for real?\nNut Gobbler: You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple.\nJimmy: Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting our time here for then? The talent show is happening right now! Let's get to r-r-rammin'! [A black man angrily approaches the table]\nPimp: What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! You're supposed to be workin' for me!\nNut Gobbler: It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!\nPimp: Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner! [Roma arrives with some food, but quickly leaves when he sees what's happening] This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me! [to Jimmy] This is MY ho!\nJimmy: I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid for her and took her out to dinner. She's my ho!\nNut Gobbler: Uh Jesus.\nPimp: You got a problem, bitch?!\nJimmy: Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact! I've spent all my money on this ho, and she's now my only shot at getting laid, and the talent show is only a couple of hours from being over.\nPimp: [to Nut Gobbler] You're comin' home right now! [grabs her by the hair hard]\nNut Gobbler: Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!\nJimmy: Sir, sir, that is my ho!\nPimp: I'm gonna kick your ass, ho! [hauls her off]\nJimmy: [watching the pimp pull Nut Gobbler away] Sir, sir!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student sings Journey's \"Open Arms\" badly.\nBlonde Haired Girl: Lying beside you, here in the dark. Feeling your heartbeat with mine...\nStan: [bored, exchanges looks with Kyle] Woof.\nScene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler, and Jimmy just steps out the front doors\nJimmy: Son of a ...b-bitch! [a taxicab rolls by, and Jimmy hails it] Taxi! [the cab stops, and Jimmy gets in] Follow that pimp and ho! [the driver does as told and peels away]\nScene Description: The pimp's car.\nNut Gobbler: Where are you taking me?!\nPimp: I'm gonna kill you, ho!\nNut Gobbler: No! Please! Q Money! I'm sorry!\nQ Money: You're already dead, ho! [outside the driver window, the cab has pulled up alongside. Jimmy rolls down his window]\nJimmy: Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her, you are no better than a common th-thief!\nQ Money: Fuck you, punk! [turns his steering wheel left so his car rams the cab. The cab spins away, but recovers and comes up along the passenger side this time.]\nJimmy: Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch! [sticks it out for her to grab. She fails at grabbing it a few times, but finally succeeds. She begins to climb out of Q Money's car and has one leg out of the car]\nQ Money: [grabs onto Nut Gobbler's other leg] Get your ass back in here, ho!\nNut Gobbler: Aaaah! [she's basically doing the splits between the cars]\nJimmy: I got you, Nut Gobbler! [the two cars race down the streets with Nut Gobbler spread out between them like a Thanksgiving turkey]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars, and the Kindergoth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings.\nTall Goth: No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the talent show. Oh no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show. [the song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes up from the audience]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, that was the Goth kids with \"Talent Shows Are For Fags\"\nTall Goth: That was killer. We showed them.\nRed Goth: Yeah, I hope we win.\nScene Description: The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's screaming from the pain\nJimmy: Come on, ho! [the cars bump each other and pull apart, each male, Jimmy and Q Money, wanting Nut Gobbler with him. A motorcycle driver is coming towards them]\nCabbie: Look out!\nMotorcyclist: Daww?\nNut Gobbler: Aah?? [the motorcyclist smacks into Nut Gobbler's groin and gets stuck there as his motorcycle continues without him and falls away] NO! [the motorcyclist is screaming, but his screams are muffled. Q Money takes out his gun and takes a few shots at Jimmy. One shot gets him in the right shoulder and he has to let go of Nut Gobbler. Both she and the motorcyclist fall into Q Money's car] '\nJimmy: Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up! [the chase continues]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic act ends as the assistant steps out of a box.\nKid Magician: Tada! [some applause comes up from the audience.]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice. [they carry off the box Laura was in] Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song\nStephen: [takes a picture] There's our boy. [Linda claps with the audience. The piano begins]\nButters: Lu lu lu, I've got some... [pauses as he forgets the words] Some... uh, some uh... some, uh... Uuuhhh... Oh no! [a puddle of urine forms under him] No no noho noo! [runs off the stage]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you Butters, very nice, short and sweet. [whips out a towel and wipes the stage clean of urine]\nScene Description: The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping each other off.\nQ Money: Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!\nJimmy: [to the cabbie] Get close to him! [the cabbie does so, and Jimmy jumps onto the roof of Q Money's car. Q Money does what he can to shake Jimmy off, but Jimmy stays on. When Q Money draws close to the cab, Jimmy looks at the cabbie] How much do I owe you?\nCabbie: [checks the meter] Six dollars and twenty-four cents.\nJimmy: [reaches into his pockets and pulls out a ten dollar bill] C-can I just get two back, please?\nCabbie: Oh, thank you very much. [smiles and gives Jimmy the two dollars] There you go. Have a good 'n.\nJimmy: Thank you. [the cabbie leaves the scene, his job complete. Q Money continues flying down the street and into Colfax Point. The other prostitutes watch in shock. Q Money slams the car into a light pole and Jimmy is catapulted through the air and lands in a trash heap. Q Money takes Nut Gobbler out of the car and pulls her away by the hair again]\nQ Money: You're gonna pay for this, bitch!\nNut Gobbler: No! Heelllp!! [The motorcyclist looks up dazed from the back seat of the crashed car. Jimmy makes his way out of the trash heap. Q Money drags Nut Gobbler up the stairs of a nearby building] Haaaaaaaaaa!!\nJimmy: [in hot pursuit now] Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming! [his penis gets hard again and he freezes] Oh Jesus, not now. [he gathers his legs tight so the erection doesn't show as much] Oh boy, this is embarrassing. [he walks off gingerly]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, still in progress.\nMrs. Garrison: And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing select readings from the movie, Scarface. [leaves as the curtains open]\nCartman: [starts off with his back to the audience, then turns around] D'you know what you are? You're all a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You need people like me! You need people like me so you can point your fucking finger and say \"That's the bad guy!\" Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!\nLiane: That's my little boy. [smiles. Gerald and Sheila are stunned]\nScene Description: Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Q Money has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead.\nNut Gobbler: Please, Q Money! Don't do this!\nQ Money: I told you never to turn on me, ho!\nJimmy: [catches up with the pair] Hey, j-j-jackass! [he and Q Money face each other] I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now, but I'm very upset!\nQ Money: And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've got four feet on you AND a gun! What do you have?!\nJimmy: What do I have? The weapon of comedy. So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese aren't getting along lately. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?\nQ Money: What?!\nJimmy: I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years.\nQ Money: [laughs] That's pretty good.\nJimmy: Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?\nQ Money: [laughs] Oh yeah. That's right, she is. [behind him, Nut Gobbler grabs a pipe and approaches him silently]\nJimmy: She's apparently gotten real good with baking cakes with keys in them. [Q Money laughs heartily as Nut Gobbler reaches him. She knocks him out with one blow to the back of the head.]\nNut Gobbler: Serves you right, you son of a bitch!\nJimmy: Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler.\nNut Gobbler: I can't believe you chased me all this way. You, you really care about me.\nJimmy: Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid. The talent show could be over any minute.\nNut Gobbler: That's good enough for me. [takes off her coat and poses enticingly] Take me to bed. [Jimmy approaches her, reaches out, and she falls back and lands with a thud on his arms and crutches. He then hoists her up and carries her down the stairs to the bottom floor of the building. He carries her out the door, through the group of hookers gathered to marvel at the sight, and towards a Ho-Tel. One admiring prostitute wipes away a tear. Jimmy carries Nut Gobbler through the door and onto a bed nearby. The door closes and the light goes out. All the other hookers keep applauding]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, still in progress. Ike is onstage singing \"Yankee Doodle Boy\".\nIke: I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,She's my Yankee Doodle girl.[holds up some sparklers]'Ankee Doodle came to London,Just to ride the ponies,[throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him. The barrel rises until it's in launch position]I am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee Doodle boy.[The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage. Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts on his top hat and walks off]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means, the Talent Show is over! [the children cheer and Principal Victoria nudges a sleeping Mr. Mackey]\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, it's over.\nMr. Mackey: Huh? [takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes] Oh oh oh, right.\nMrs. Garrison: Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least.\nJimmy: Hold everything! [Mrs. Garrison looks up. Jimmy has entered the gym and walks towards the stage. The audience watches him head up the steps] Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind, I'll be taking that microphone..\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer. [some applause heads his way]\nJimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't fall was ...the price of gas. [everyone laughs] I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to- [his penis gets hard again and he's surprised] You've gotta be kidding me."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Jefferson Lake Recreational Area, daytime. Stan and Cartman are in a very nice boat, playing around. Cartman stands up and shoots at imaginary opponents.\nStan: Dude, you are right, Cartman. Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat.\nCartman: Yeah. Isn't this fun? Just you and me hangin' out, Stan. No stupid Kyle around.\nStan: Man, I wish I could really drive this thing.\nCartman: You know how?\nStan: Sure I do!\nCartman: Well here. [reaches down to grab something] Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.\nStan: Dude, I don't think your uncle'd want us driving it.\nCartman: Nobody's gonna know. We just drive it around the marina real quick. Look, if anything happens, I'll take full responsibility.\nStan: [reaches over and grabs the keys.] Okay, turn on the ignition,\nCartman: [puts on sunglasses as the engine purrs to life] Awesome.\nStan: Okay... [pulls on a handle]\nCartman: We're not moving.\nStan: [pulls harder. The motor creates a froth of water behind the boat, which is still in place]\nCartman: Maybe you have the parking brake on.\nStan: Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass! They only have the... oh wait wait. Neutral button! [presses that and the boat lunges out of its landing, spinning around a few times as it jumps another dock nearby. The boat goes forward in a haphazard manner. Both boys scream]\nCartman: Other way! Other way!\nStan: [pushes the handle forward again, but it breaks in his hand. He can no longer control the boat, so he and Cartman scream again, then] Jesus Christ!!!\nCartman: Stan... beaver dam! [the boat approaches the dam quuickly] Very large beaver dam, Stan!! [the boat runs aground on the dam and the boys quickly jump out. The boat begins to smoke as the boys swim to the nearest shore. Stan, being lighter and faster, reaches shore first, then turns to wait for Cartman. The boat blows up and Stan shields his eyes. Cartman reaches the shore and walks up to Stan]\nStan: Oh dude! Oh Jesus!\nCartman: [turns around and sees] Dude! Stan! You are in serious trouble!\nStan: You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy!\nCartman: I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about.\nStan: What?\nCartman: Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen, okay. We were both at my house all afternoon long playing Tea Party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail! [hustles up the beach]\nStan: Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers.\nCartman: [turns to look at Stan] Dude, come on! We've gotta get out of here! [Cartman turns back and continues up the beach. Stan turns and follows Cartman up]\nScene Description: Splashy graphics appear as a program begins.\nAnnouncer: With an eye on America and all of today's events, it's South Park Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker\nTom: Herro, crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton, Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam. [the Marshes are shown eating off small folding tables with dinners on them and looking at the TV] Earlier today, a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives. [a helicopter camera catches the flooding]\nSharon: Oh my gosh, those poor people.\nField reporter: Tom, I'm currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper. We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating.\nTom: Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch? [Stan has stopped eating. Sharon and Shelly continue.]\nMitch: W-we're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism.\nTom: My God, you've, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?\nMitch: No, no, we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it.\nScene Description: The Marsh living room\nSharon: [rises and begins to pick up the spent trays] You all done with your fishsticks, Stan?\nRandy: [rises and takes his own tray up] I'll help you, Sharon. [looks at the screen] Boy, that's just awful.\nTom: In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated.\nMan 1: That's right! We know whose fault this is!\nStan: Huh oh. [puts his hands to his cheeks. Shelly gives him a funny look]\nMan 1: It's George Bush's fault!\nMan 2: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!\nChet: George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al Qaeda!\nMan 3: They've been secretly building beaver dam WMDs for years now! [a few other voices rise up to mention WMDs]\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen, later on. Randy is washing dishes, Sharon is drying them off. Stan appears at the kitchen entrance.\nStan: Mom, Dad? [hesitating] The, they're gonna go help those people, right?\nSharon: I don't know. You know, to me, it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should've done something about that dam years ago.\nRandy: Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? Think this whole thing is really their fault.\nStan: Ye-but, uh, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their, their rooftops, right?\nRandy: That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is. [nothing more is exchanged between Stan and his parents]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary School, next day. The kids gather to enter the school.\nScene Description: The school hall. Cartman is putting a blue folder away in his locker. Stan approaches.\nStan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?\nCartman: Yeah.\nStan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?\nCartman: Shyeah, that was pretty funny.\nStan: Pretty funny?! Dude, we did that!! That was our fault!\nCartman: Hehey, no! We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay?! That's their fault!\nStan: But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them!\nCartman: Well they should've gotten out of there!\nStan: Maybe they couldn't get out!\nCartman: We did!\nStan: Dude, ah I just... [walks around in a fog of worry] ah I don't know what to do here.\nCartman: Ah ah ah, ah, I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking, you're gonna go tell Kyle. Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat! He has his Jew ethics while he hoards his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!\nKyle: [walks up behind Stan] Hey dudes. [Stan stands to one side so he can see Kyle clearly]\nCartman: Oh hey, Kyle.\nKyle: Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What'd you guys do?\nStan: [looks at Cartman, then] Nothing.\nCartman: [smiling proudly] Hngh, totally.\nButters: [appearing] Hey, everybody, they just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton! [the other kids present in the hall follow Butters away. Kyle goes as well.]\nCartman: [throws down his cap] Aw crap!\nScene Description: The school cafeteria. Mr. Mackey stands next to a TV, and Principal Victoria goes up to join him. The kids are chatty.\nMr. Mackey: Quiet, children, quiet! We need to hear.\nTom: At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break, but now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... global warming! [everyone gasps. A new graphic appears onscreen - a globe] It now appears that... all rumors of global warming were true. We were warned this would happen and ...we didn't listen! [buries his face in his hands in anguish] We didn't listen! [composes himself] All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting.\nScene Description: The Governor's office, day. Randy addresses his peers in a meeting room.\nRandy: Ladies and Gentlemen, if Global Warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood, then this is only the beginning. The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe the likes of which we've never seen. [excited voices fill the room]\nGeologist 1: Excuse me, sir, but, ...when? When is this going to happen?\nRandy: My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but... we believe it may happen... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: \"Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!\"]\nGeologist 2: [an elderly gent] Excuse me, I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Doctor uh, Marsh, but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists. Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?!\nRandy: With all due respect, cliché dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: \"Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!\" The double doors open]\nScientist 1: Listen! Listen! We've finished running the tests!\nScientist 2: Global Warming is going to strike... two days before the day after tomorrow.\nRandy: [alarmed] Oh my God... That's today! [a few seconds of silence, then all the geologists begin to panic. Papers fly around the room as most of the geologists run outside.]\nScene Description: Grocery Mart. The shoppers there begin to panic. News does spread fast.\nScene Description: The town. Everyone panics. Some shoppers run through town with shopping carts of food.\nScene Description: The school. Everyone clear out.\nMan 5: [runs by in front of the school] We didn't listen!\nRandy: [pulls up in the family car, with everybody else already inside] Stan! Get in the car! We have to evacuate!\nMan 6: [runs by in front of the camera] We didn't listen! [Wendy and her father run by, Anne and her mother run by.]\nScene Description: A highway, bumper to bumper traffic on the way out. A lot of drivers beep their horns hoping other drivers in front of them start moving.\nRandy: [beeping his own horn] Come onnn, come on!\nSharon: It's useless. This traffic isn't moving!\nStan: Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I, I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam, after all.\nRandy: No, Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our earth, and now you've inherited our problems.\nDriver: We didn't listen!\nRandy: [hears this and rolls down his window] We, we didn't listen! [rolls up his window] Come on! Everyone grab what you can! We have to walk! [the Marshes get out the car, carrying what they can, and leave the highway. In town the looting continues. An elderly man carrying a TV comes into view...]\nMan 7: [drops the TV and points] Oh Jesus, here it comes!\nMan 8: Global warming! [everyone runs away from whatever the man was pointing to, and soon the street is empty.]\nMan 9: [in the middle of the crowd] It's coming! Here comes global warming!\nMan 10: We didn't listen! [a camera in the sky begins to act the part of Global Warming as it focuses on a man and zooms in on him. The man turns and freezes in his tracks. The POV changes to a camera on the sidewalk watching the man's reactions. The man turns over a few times and stops moving, but no other camera is seen]\nRandy: [moving along with his family] Come on, hurry! [the panicking crowd overtakes them]\nMan 11: It's right behind us! [the Marshes stop to let the crowd through, then start moving again. The crowd returns and passes them again in the opposite direction] It's coming the other way! [the Marshes stop, then run back the way they came]\nRandy: Go back, go back!!\nScene Description: The Park County Community Center, day. Stephen Stotch stands at the entrance urging people inside.\nStephen: Everyone into the community center! Hurry! Go!\nRandy: [arrives to lend a hand] Get inside! We have to close these doors! [everyone for miles around comes and fills up the center. Again, the Global Warming camera focuses on the entrance and floats its way towards it. The last two people around, Stephen and Randy, close the doors just before the camera gets there.]\nScene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Randy has taken command of global warming preparations.\nRandy: Come on, we've got to board up that last window! Seal off all the doorways! We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming.\nSheila: Mr. Garrison, are you all right?\nMrs. Garrison: I'm in pretty bad shape. My... leg is broken and my... left boob is leaking\nSharon: [arrives with a blanket to wrap around Stan, who has a cot to sleep in, and is seated on it] Here you go, sweetheart.\nStan: Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood.\nSharon: I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now.\nGerald: Shh, shh! We've got the television working! [one of two TVs in front of the crowd comes to life]\nAnnouncer: This is a FOX News update! Global Warming Disaster!\nAnchor: Global warming appears to have struck as predicted in the Colorado Rockies! All around the country, panic and chaos are settling in!\nField reporter: Tom, I am standing just outside of Chicago, where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths. Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over 600 billion people\nOfficer Barbrady: Oh God.\nStephen: [turns around in anger] This is all your fault, Jimbo!\nJimbo: Me??\nStephen: Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around! You didn't even think about global warming, DIDJA?!\nKyle: [with a cup of water, approaches Stan] Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen.\nStan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming.\nKyle: Huh?\nStan: [hops off his cot] Global warming isn't happening right now. It's, it's not what caused the Beaverton flood.\nKyle: How do you know that?\nStan: Because, I know what did cause the flood.\nKyle: George Bush?\nStan: No.\nKyle: Terrorists?\nStan: No.\nKyle: Communists?\nStan: No.\nKyle: Chinese radicals?\nStan: No.\nKyle: ...Cartman?\nStan: ...sort of.\nKyle: [throws down his cup] Cartman flooded Beaverton?!!\nStan: [pulls him aside to a more private area] Shh! Not, not exactly. We were messing around in this guy's new boat, and Cartman egged me on, and, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.\nKyle: [thinks a bit] Dude, you have to tell everyone. Right now.\nCartman: [arrives] Hey Stan. [studies Stan and Kyle's faces] Oh Goddammit you told Kyle, didn't you?!\nKyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs. Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside.\nCartman: Oh, here we go. See? I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?!\nStan: Look, maybe, maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves.\nKyle: How?\nCartman: Why?\nStan: We can sneak out of here, get a boat, and go help them off their roofs. That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it.\nRandy: [addressing the crowd] Listen, listen everyone! Nobody can leave this building!\nMrs. Garrison: But... we need supplies, food, silicone.\nRandy: You go outside, and you'll die! By now, the global warming has... shifted the climate, [steps up to a laptop and presses a key. A rotating graph appears, with the graph line dipping low] bringing on a new ice age. Within the hour, the temperature outside will fall to over 70 million degrees below zero!\nStephen: Jesus.\nRandy: All we can do... is try to wait it out, as long as we can.\nGerald: And... the rest of the country?\nRandy: [sighs as he moves from the laptop to the blackboard and pulls out a marker] Everyone below this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and New Mexico to West Virginia] will have to be evacuated to the south. Everyone above this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and Montana to Lake Erie] is already dead. People like us in the middle states have to ride it out. [draws two lines connecting the two longer lines, around Indiana] The balmy southwestern states [draws an open circle around Arizona, most of New Mexico, California and Nevada] might have a chance but, New York [draws a short line around it] will have tidal waves that envelop all of the northeast. [the crowd looks at it for a long time, then a man puts his hand to his mouth and starts chuckling] What, Frank?! [Frank points at the inadvertent phallus Randy drew on the map. Randy looks and realizes what he did] Aw awww, Goddammit! [goes to scribble all over the map so the dong isn't so noticeable.]\nScene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, and in the background, the shattered dam and empty lake.\nResident 1: Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please. Any day now.\nResident 2: Why haven't they come for us?\nResident 1: I... I don't know.\nResident 3: Wait, look! Here comes a boat!\nResident 2: Really? Oh! It's about time!\nWife: Oh Kevin, we're saved! [buries her face in his shoulder]\nResident 3: It looks like... three little boys.\nResident 1: Hey, we'll take it! [they all start waving their arms] Over here, yes! Thank you! Thank you! [the boys appear, going backwards and screaming. They head for Beaverton Oil, a refinery nearby, and crash into it. The boys fall out of the boat and into the water, then pop up right away. Oil begins to pour out of pipes the boat broke upon crashing, and fire follows the oil. The oil slick rushes past the flooded homes, with fire riding it, and a wall of flames rises up] Oh, thanks. Thanks. That's a LOT better.\nScene Description: Beaverton Oil, inside. The boys turn to watch the boat burn.\nKyle: We can't get out! The flames are too big!\nCartman: [turns around and heads towards Stan] Oh great! You see, Stan?! This is what you get for listening to Kyle! [Kyle turns and looks at him] \"Oh, you've gotta help those people. It's your responsibility.\"\nKyle: [walks towards Stan] Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did so our parents can help us! [Stan looks down, unsure what to do]\nScene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Preparations are ongoing.\nRandy: Stan?? Stan!!\nGerald: Randy! We've looked everywhere! Kyle's missing too!\nSharon: Oh my God! Where would they go?!\nStephen: [on the public phone] Randy, Randy! Your son's on the phone!\nRandy: [gets to the phone and takes the receiver from Stephen] Stan??\nStan: Uh, hey Dad.\nRandy: Stan, you're alive!\nStan: Dad, we're, we're trapped in Beaverton, We're, we were trying to save everyone!\nRandy: Stan, you must listen to me! You must stay indoors! Do not try to go out! Global warming has brought in a new ice age!\nStan: No, Dad, listen: I need to tell you something.\nRandy: What is it, son?\nStan: Nothing. Can you just come get us, please?\nRandy: You just stay put, son! I'm coming for you! Do you hear me?? I'm coming for you!! [hangs up the phone and struggles with his emotions, then grabs his coat and scarf and bundles up]\nMr. Mackey: Randy, wheh-where are you going?\nRandy: I'm going to Beaverton.\nTom: [Craig's father] You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death!\nRandy: My son is counting on me!\nGerald: I'm going with you.\nRandy: You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death!\nGerald: You can't do this alone!\nStephen: Let me go too.\nMan 12: You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death.\nRandy: All right, come on, both of you! We've gotta pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find.\nScene Description: South Park, day. If there's an ice age now, it certainly doesn't show. Randy, Gerald and Stephen are much too warmly dressed. They walk through town chain-gang style. Randy leads the men forward and takes a deep breath. Stephen collapses at the back end of the chain. Gerald and Randy spin around.\nGerald: Stephen! [Stephen mumbles but can't get up] Stephen, you have to keep moving!\nStephen: I can't go on! Feel so... hot.\nRandy: Feeling warmth is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia!\nGerald: Oh Jesus... [looking woozy] I feel warm too!\nRandy: Yeah, me too. [walks around Gerald] Stephen, we've gotta keep moving! We're in deep hypothermia, all of us! We've gotta keep the blood flowing! [bends down to help Stephen up]\nGerald: Maybe we should... strip these jackets off, and warm our bodies next to each other!\nRandy: Don't be a fag! [turns around] Come on! We can make it! [the men move forward again] We have to try!\nScene Description: The Pentagon, day.\nGeneral: Come on, people, we're running out of time! We need all Army helicopters to the Southern states for evacuation NOW!\nOfficer: Sir! More people in Beaverton are calling. They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.\nGeneral: Tell them that the government can't help them, but that we're very sorry. You know the plan, people! We can only evacuate citizens below this line! [the very line Randy mentioned]\nScientist: E-excuse me, General?\nGeneral: WHAT??\nScientist: We've just compiled some new information. The er, the flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all.\nGeneral: What??\nScientist: We know the truth now. We know what caused it! [hands the general a photo. The general looks at it and his eyes grow big]\nGeneral: Oh my God. Quick! Radio the helicopters!\nScene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, but now there is fire as well. Almost every building is in frames, as is the town sign.\nScene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys wander around.\nCartman: Help! Help! [a large drum falls from the ceiling in front of Kyle]\nKyle: Dude, this whole building is going to collapse!\nStan: We have to find a way out! [the boys start climbing the metal stairs]\nScene Description: Beaverton, day. The army helicopters start showing up. The general leads the rescue effort.\nGeneral: [through his bullhorn] Don't worry, everyone. The government is here to save you. [the helicopters hover above the homes and drop rope ladders down]\nResident 1: Oh wow, thank you so much! What a swift and speedy rescue!\nScene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys climb up further.\nStan: Come on! We've gotta get to the roof! [another drom falls near Kyle, shearing off the stairs they just climbed. Kyle falls on his ass and gets up]\nKyle: Oh Jesus, we have to hurry!\nStan: [stops before an opening in the wall, where he sees sky and...] It's- it's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone! [Kyle and Cartman are on a landing below. Kyle tries to catch up to Stan, but Cartman blocks his way]\nCartman: Not so fast, Kyle.\nKyle: What are you doing?\nCartman: Hand over the gold!\nKyle: What gold??\nCartman: You know what I'm talkng about!\nKyle: No, Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about!\nCartman: All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks! Hand it over!\nStan: [drops down a few steps and calls] Guys, come on! [goes back up the stairs]\nKyle: Jews do NOT carry gold in a little bag around their necks.Cartman! Stop playing around!\nCartman: [pulls out a 9 mm handgun, hopefully fake.] I'm not playing around, Kyle! If we survive this, I don't intend to live in poverty! Give me your Jew gold now!\nKyle: Dude, we don't have time for your stupid jokes! We're gonna die!\nCartman: Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold! The decision is yours, Kyle!\nKyle: Goddamnit, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman! Whattaya want from me?!\nCartman: I want... your Jew gold! [Kyle has run out of things to say and stands there. Cartman glowers at him, ready to fire the gun if he moves]\nKyle: ...Okay, fine! Here! [opens his coat and pulls out a small black bag, and hands it to Cartman] Now let's go!\nCartman: [moves the bag around for heaviness] Do you think I'm stupid?! I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe! Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle!! [Kyle, angered at this delaying tactic, pulls out another small bag from under his coat and walks over to Cartman. Cartman laughs evilly as Kyle approaches. Kyle smiles an evil smile back and tosses the second bag over his shoulder and into the fire below. Cartman rushes over to grab it, but doesn't get there in time Kyle rushes up the stairs at the other end of the landing] No! Noooooo! [watches the fire]\nScene Description: Beaverton Oil, roof. A helicopter hovers over a roof opening. Stan and Kyle climb out of the building and head towards the helicopter, and climb on. Cartman climbs out of the building as the helicopter takes off.\nCartman: Hey! Wait up, you assholes! God! [runs up to the platform and jumps on. The helicopter flies off]\nScene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Everyone sits and waits.\nMr. Mackey: Hey, look everybody! Helicopters! [a few people move forward to catch a glimpse though a crack among the boards nailed against the entrance]\nSharon: They, they've got the boys!\nTom: Global warming must be over!\nMan 13: We made it! [the crowd cheers, \"We made it! Yeah! Woohoo\"]\nScene Description: South Park, outside. Three helicopters touch down in the middle of South Park Av. and drop off the Beaverton residents as well as the boys. The mothers approach.\nSharon: Stanley! [stands next to him and goes down on one knee.]\nSheila: Kyle! [Randy, Gerald, and Stephen are still sprawled on the ground nearby.]\nRandy: [raises his head] Stan? [turns to the other two men] We've found Stan! Ugh. [faints again]\nMr. Mackey: So does, does this mean the storm is past. Global warming's over?\nGeneral: Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood. We know now whose fault it is. [The boys look up. Stan is a little worried.] It was... [pulls out the picture he was handed earlier, and it's a crab person] Crab people!\nCrowd: Ohhhh.\nTheme: Crab People, Crab People, Taste like-\nStan: [steps forward] Stop it! Stop it!! First it was terrorists, then George Bush and global warming and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple! It's MY fault. I broke the dam. [the crowd falls silent for a few seconds]\nCartman: ...Aw man.\nSharon: [steps forward] Stanley. You?\nMan 14: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying... we all broke the dam. '\nStan: No. I broke the dam.\nWoman 1: I broke the dam.\nMan 15: I broke the dam.\nMan 16: I broke the dam.\nStan: No. I broke the dam.\nWoman 2: And I broke the dam.\nMan 17: I broke the dam.\nCartman: [steps forward] Hehe, I broke the dam. Hehe.\nMan 18: I broke the dam.\nWoman 3: I broke the dam.\nStan: [annoyed that his admission isn't taking hold, adds emphasis] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.\nMan 19: I broke the dam.\nMan 20: [deep voice] I broke the dam.\nMan 21: I broke the dam.\nMan 22: I broke the dam.\nStan: No! I broke the fucking dam!\nMan 23: I broke the dam.\nMan 24: I broke the dam.\nStan: I literally broke the dam!\nMan 25: I broke the dam.\nMan 26: I broke the dam.\nStan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!\nMan 27: I broke the dam.\nMan 28: I broke the dam.\nStan: I kept it secret, for two days!\nMan 29: I broke the dam.\nMan 30: I broke the dam.\nStan: The boat caught on fire, and it exploded!\nMan 31: I broke the dam.\nMan 32: I broke the dam.\nStan: Ohhh, fuck it!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's basement, afternoon. The fourth grade boys are seated at a large conference table. Stan and Kyle come down the stairs and see the rest of the boys. At table are, counterclockwise, Clyde, Kevin, Token, Craig, Bradley, Butters, a black-haired boy, Timmy, Francis, Tweek, and Kenny.\nKyle: What are all you guys doing here?\nClyde: I don't know. I got this emergency letter from Cartman that said to meet in his basement. [shows letter]\nStan: Yeah, us too.\nCartman: [closes the door and comes downstairs] Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us, hiding something huge.\nCraig: What?\nCartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device, which allows them to see... into the future.\nStan: What?\nButters: How do you know?\nKyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future Cartman. That's retarded.\nClyde: [in an English accent. Cartman looks on, startled] YOU, SIR, MOCKED CARTMAN BEFORE, YET YOU TWO SIT HERE DEMANDING ANSWERS! [bangs on the table twice with his fist] NOW DAMN YOU, LET HIM SPEAK!\nCartman: Thank you, Clyde. Uh, I'm afraid it's true. [pulls TV from the back] I secretly videotaped the girls in the playground yesterday using my Wellington Bear video camera [shows the camera]. I caught the following images on tape. I warn you, this images maybe be too shocking for young children.\nButters: Okay. I'm not lookin'. [buries his face in his arms]\nCartman: Video playback initialized. [presses play on the remote control and the screen shows the girls playing]\nScene Description: School yard, playing on the TV\nGirls: [laugh]\nBebe: Okay, okay. My turn, do me now!\nKale: Okay Bebe. What do you want to know?\nBebe: I want to know if I'm gonna live in a big mansion in the future.\nKale: Okay, let's find out. Ready? [pulls out a paper fortune teller] Pick a number.\nBebe: Four.\nKale: One, two, three, four. Okay, pick a color.\nBebe: Blue.\nKale: B-L-U-E. All right pick another color\nBebe: [off-screen] Red.\nKale: 'Kaaay. Okay, will Bebe live in a big mansion in the future? [opens an interior flap] Definitely yes!\nBebe: All right!\nGirls: Woohoo! You rock, Bebe!\nBoys: Whoa! Wow!\nRed: Do me next. I wanna know if I'm gonna marry somebody cute.\nHeidi: I'll do it! I'll do it! [takes the teller from the Kal] Pick a number.\nRed: Three.\nHeidi: One, two, three. Now, pick a color.\nClyde: Where did they get that thing? [Kyle shushes him]\nHeidi: G-R-E-E-N.\nRed: Now blue!\nHeidi: The answer is no. [girls laugh at her]\nRed: Aw dangit!\nStan: Oh my God, how does it know the answer?\nCraig: I... don't believe it.\nCartman: Believe it. The girls can ask any question they want and it gives the answer. Freeze image! [presses the pause button] Gentlemen, we have to get our hands on that device.\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard. The boys set up a containment tent. Token, Jason, and Kenny use pulleys to pull up the tent curtains. Craig and Bradley pull up a chalkboard with pictures of the girls. Someone rolls out the blueprints of the future telling device. The boy with the blue cap carries a box of equipment over to somewhere. The boys do other various tasks, Francis is at another computer.\nCartman: [comes to Clyde and Kevin's table] How is the incubation shield coming Clyde?\nClyde: It's all set. Once we have the device, it can be housed in here safely until we know what we're dealing with.\nCartman: Good man. [goes over to the computer Kyle, Stan, and Token are working on] Any luck here?\nKyle: The outside of the device seems to be covered in numerals. Inside are colors... which must open up to some sort of temporal time warp.\nCartman: Good. Keep working. We want to know all we can before we try to operate it. [moves to the middle of the tent] All right, gentlemen, our containment center for the time warp is nearly complete. All that's left for us to do is get the device from the girls and bring it here.\nCraig: Let's go take it!\nCartman: Don't be a fool, Craig. Do you really think the girls are just gonna hand that technology over?\nStan: So what do you suggest?\nCartman: Heidi Turner [turns on a projector on which is shown her picture] is going to have a slumber party on Thursday night. There's no doubt in my mind the girls will be using the future-telling device there. If we... can get somebody invited to that slumber party, not only can we get a hold of the device, but find out how to use it.\nStan: Yeah, there's just one problem: a boy can't go to a chicks' slumber party.\nCartman: No, not a boy, but a girl. One of us is gonna have to go undercover, show up in school tomorrow disguised as the new girl who just moved to town.\nKevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?\nCartman: No, not like Juwanna Mann, Kevin, okay? It's way cooler than that!\nStan: But if one of us pretends to be the new girl in class, the girls will wonder where that boy went.\nCartman: Which is why we have to fake that boy's death. It's simple spy stuff, my friends. Take your top man, fake his death, then send him in disguised as the enemy.\nKyle: That's a pretty solid idea. But who?\nScene Description: The Stotch house, night. A police stops and two police officers arrive at the front door and knock the door\nOfficer 1: Mr. and Mrs. Stotch?\nStephen: Yes? What is it, officer?\nOfficer 1: You'd better come quick.\nOfficer 2: Your son is at the Bowery Building threatening to kill himself.\nLinda: What?!\nScene Description: The Bowery Building. Police and people are gathering on the grounds and two spotlights shine on Butters who's standing on the roof's edge, ready to fall\nOfficer 2: Don't do it son! You have too much to live for! [a patrol car pulls up with Stephen and Linda]\nLinda: Oh my God, Butters!\nButters: Oh uh, hi Mom.\nCartman: [behind Butters] Just keep stalling, Butters. We don't have the dead pig quite ready yet. [Clyde, Stan, and Craig dress the pig while Cartman makes a Butter mask for it]\nStephen: [grabs the bullhorn from the officer] Butters? Butters, whatever is troubling you, this isn't the answer. Look at all these people who've come out for you! Just come down, son, and... we promise we won't ground you for more than a couple of weeks.\nButters: N'aw geez! Now I'm gonna get grounded, too.\nCartman: Okay, it's ready! Step down, Butters. [the pig is done, Butters steps down, and the pig is shoved into place]\nLinda: He, h-he's coming down! Oh thank God!\nOfficer 1: No, wait. What... what's he doing? [the Butters mask appears over the ledge]\nCartman: Okay. One! Two! [Craig, Clyde, and Stan push the dressed pig]\nOfficer 3: JESUS CHRIST! [Linda screams. The pig drops to the ground and explodes, splattering everyone around with blood and guts]\nLinda: OHHHH MY GOD!!\nDoctor: [walks up to the body and rests his finger on a completely exposed blood vein] He... didn't make it.\nLinda: NOOOOO!! NOOOOO!! My son is DEAD!! NOOOO!!\nCartman: Nice.\nScene Description: South Park Cemetery\nPriest Maxi: And he shall be remembered as the peaceful little boy who warmed his parent's hearts. [Linda sobs uncontrollably] Lord, as we commit this child's body to the earth, may we ask it'd be the last child you strike down so mercilessly. We know this request to be futile, Lord, but just though we would ask. [the casket is lowered]''\nLinda: NOOOO! NOOOO! BUTTERS! [jumps on the casket and Stephen and another woman holds her] Don't put him down there! Don't put him down there!\nScene Description: South Park elementary, Ms. Garrison enters\nMs. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Now I know that we're all still in deep, deep mourning over the tragic death of our classmate, Butters.\nRed: Who's Butters?\nMs. Garrison: But we all must try to move on. And so I'd like you to help me welcome a new student who was just moved here from Dallas. Children please say hello to... Marjorine. [Butters enters dressed as Marjorine, a blonde girl, with wig askew]\nButters: Oh... Thank you. [curtsies]\nCartman: [whispers to Stan]Dude, I think it's totally working. The girls are totally buying it. [clears his throat]\nMs. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little bit about yourself, Marjorine?\nButters: Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin' and ponies. a-and [squeezes his eyes shut] getting my snootch pounded on Friday night.\nClyde: Nice.\nMs. Garrison: Now Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snootch just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.\nButters: Oh...\nBebe: That girl sure has a strange sense of fashion.\nCartman: [pretends like he's yawning] Dude, they totally think he's a girl. [coughs]\nMs. Garrison: All right, have a seat, Marjorine. I'm sure all the other girls will be happy to show you around the school. [the girls look cross] Won't you, girls?\nRed: Where do you buy your clothes?\nButters: Oh. Uhm, you know. Girl places.\nCartman: [pretends like he's yawning] Dude, they've bought it hook line and sinker. [coughs] This is going swimmingly. [coughs]\nScene Description: Turner's house, basement. Heidi is stirring lemonade.\nMrs. Turner: [enters the basement carrying a bowl] Heidi, sweetie, I'm just gonna set the snacks over here.\nHeidi: 'Kay Mom.\nMrs. Turner: Oh, and Heidi, there's going to be one extra girl coming to your slumber party.\nHeidi: Who?\nMrs. Turner: The new girl in your class, Marjorine.\nHeidi: Mom, I didn't invite her!\nMrs. Turner: I know, sweetie, but I got a call from Marjorine's mother.\nHeidi: Her mother?\nMrs. Turner: She said Marjorine is having a really hard time being in a new school. Her mom asked me personally if we could have Marjorine over, and besides, her mother told me that she works as a state official and that I should [slows down a bit] respect her authoratay.\nScene Description: Stotch house. Linda is crying in the bedroom.\nStephen: Linda? Linda, please come downstairs.\nLinda: [through her tears] Why couldn't we help him? Why is our little boy dead? [continues crying. Stephen leaves her alone and walks downstairs]\nStephen: [sees Butters on a family portrait] Oh butter! Oh Butters, I miss you so much! [the doorbell rings and he opens the door]\nAn Old Farmer: Mr. Stotch. I know what you're thinkin'.\nStephen: Who are you?\nAn Old Farmer: [in a spooky accent] I came to talk you out of it. You need to... just accept that your son is dead, not try to bring him back.\nStephen: Bring him back? W-What are you talking about?\nAn Old Farmer: [comes in] I know you're thinkin' of puttin'; him up there, the Indian Burial Ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there, he will come back alive. Sometimes, dead is better.\nStephen: Indian... Burial Ground?\nAn Old Farmer: It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85.\nStephen: You're saying if I... dig up my son's body and rebury him at the... old Indian Burial Ground, that I-\nAn Old Farmer: Don't do it Stotch! What comes out of the ground ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that. That's why they stopped using it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [walks towards the front door, which is still open, then turns around] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian Burial Ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind Andersons' bar. Sometimes... dead is better. [walks out]\nScene Description: Heidi's house. Across the street, the boys peek out from behind bushes\nStan: All right, Butters, that's Heidi's house.\nButters: [dressed as Marjorine] I can't do it, fellas. I can't go into a girls' slumber party! What if they find out I ain't a girl?\nClyde: You're gonna be fine.\nCartman: Now Butters, we don't know exactly what is that girls do at their slumber parties. But if they start, you know, lezzing out, just roll with it.\nButters: Lezzing out? What's lezzing out?\nKyle: Now look, Butters, when the girls bring out the future-telling device, pay attention to how it works. Once you know how to operate it, just grab it and get the hell out of there.\nButters: Then I can go home and tell my mommy and daddy I'm not really dead?\nStan: Yeah dude, of course. Now go, the party's already started.\nClyde: Good luck, man. [Kyle gives him a push, and Butters is off]\nCartman: Remember Butters, you must get that future-telling device from the girls at all costs! And just roll with it if they start lezzing out. [Kyle glares at him]\nScene Description: Heidi's house, basement. Heidi's father enters the room with the build of a bodybuilder, and her mother.\nMr. Turner: All right, now we all want you to have a good time. But as Heidi's parents, tonight it is our responsibility to look out for all of you. There's not gonna be any drinking, no pot, and most importantly, if I catch any boys anywhere near this party, they're gonna be in a world of hurt. [Butters mumbles and sighs a bit] All right, have a nice time, girls. [both parents leave]\nHeidi: So, what do you guys wanna do first?\nBebe: We could play \"girl talk.\" [the other girls approve]\nRed: I bought the new Justin Timberlake CD. We should dance to it. [the other girls approve again]\nButters: How about we read each other's future?\nWendy: I know. Let's do \"Light as a feather, stiff as a board.\" [the girls approve, then spread out. Kale and Emily light candles and place them on the rug. Bebe turns the lights off, and the girls gather, making a circle around the candles] Who wants to do it first?\nRed: I will. [gets in the middle and lays down]\nButters: Oh geez, are we gonna start lezzing out? [the girls look at Butters in astonishment for a moment, then they turn back to the center of the circle]\nWendy: Light as a feather, stiff as a board.\nGirls: [getting louder as Red begins to float upwards] Light as a feather, stiff as a board! [Red is floating, making Butters scream]\nScene Description: Outside, the boys are hearing Butters scream.\nKyle: Jesus, what are they doing in there?\nCartman: God only knows the horrors that go on in girls' slumber parties. Let's just hope Butters can survive it.\nScene Description: Back to Heidi's house\nButters: AAAAAAAH NOO! Witches! You're all witches! [Red floats back down, Bebe turn on the lights, and Heidi faces Butters]\nHeidi: Marjorine, what is your problem?\nButters: Huh? Oh nothin'. Hey, you guys wanna tell each other's futures now?\nRed: Yeah. I can tell your future, Marjorine! You're going to live alone your entire life because you're a nerdy, dorky geek.\nHeidi: Yeah, and your hair is totally stupid. [Butters looks at his hair ashamed]\nBebe: Yeah, and you're flat! [Butters looks down at his chest]\nRed: Marjorine, why don't you just leave? Nobody wants you here!\nScene Description: South Park cemetery. Butters' tombstone is shown. Stephen approaches with a shovel, and kneels to the grave\nStephen: Hello son. Don't you worry. Daddy's gonna make everything all right again. [begins shoveling dirt out of the way as the sky crackles with thunder and lightning. He finally reaches the coffin and opens it] There he is. There's my boy! Come on, Butters! [lifts the pig out of the coffin] Oh... Butters... you smell like... bacon [carries the carcass] Don't worry. We're gonna bring you back, son. We're gonna bring you back!\nScene Description: Heidi's house, basement\nWendy: I think we went too far with Marjorine.\nBebe: She's in the bathroom crying. [the girls move towards the bathroom]\nHeidi: [knocks on bathroom door] Marjorine.\nButters: [sobbing inside] Nobody likes meee...\nBebe: Aw gee, she's really upset.\nWendy: I feel terrible, you guys. It can't be easy being the new girl in school.\nHeidi: Marjorine? Marjorine? Hey, we didn't mean it.\nButters: You don't know how hard it is to be me. [continues sobbing]\nBebe: Marjorine, we were just teasing. We think you're great.\nButters: You think I'm ugly-ehehee...\nWendy: You're not ugly, Marjorine.\nButters: You said I'm ugly and flat.\nHeidi: Marjorine, you just have a different look, that's all. We just... we need to help you bring out your inner beauty.\nWendy: Yeah. How about we all give you a little makeover, Marjorine?\nGirls: Yeah. Let's go!\nButters: [opens the door] You mean it?\nScene Description: Outside Turner's house, the boys keep watching.\nKyle: Dude, it's been too long. Something's wrong. [Craig takes out binoculars to look]\nStan: Maybe they found him out.\nClyde: Then, he's already dead.\nStan: Come on, we gotta go check on him. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny move towards the house, reaching the storm cellar.]\nKyle: Can you see anything? [the boys see Butters dancing with the other girls to Justin Timberlake's song \"Rock Your Body\"]\nStan: He's just dancing around.\nCartman: That son of a bitch!\nMrs. Turner: Marjorine, sweetie your mom's on the phone.\nButters: [stops dancing] My mom? [goes upstairs to the kitchen to answer the phone] Hello?\nCartman: Butters! Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!\nButters: Well, I'm just having some fun with my girlfriends.\nCartman: You aren't there to have fun, you black asshole! You were supposed to be getting the future-telling device.\nButters: Well, I'm workin' on it.\nCartman: Working on what?! Your dance moves?!\nButters: Now look! I'm getting pretty sick of this! Well I put myself through a lot, and you can't talk to me like that! Uh... mom.\nCartman: Just do what you were sent to do, dickface! [hangs up]\nScene Description: The Indian Burial Ground, Stephen gets in the middle and starts digging a hole in order to bury \"Butters\" again.\nScene Description: Heidi's house. Butters returns to the basement\nRed: He yMarjorine, you wanna know your future?\nButters: Ah. Uhh, could I hold that?\nHeidi: Sure. [hands the future teller to Butters, but doesn't take it yet] Here, you do my future.\nButters: How?\nHeidi: Well uh you know, it's easy. You just put your thumbs and index fingers in here...\nScene Description: Upstairs, Mr. Turner checks with a binocular outdoors. He spots Craig, who senses this and lowers his binoculars\nMr. Turner: Aha! I knew it! Boys in the slumber party!\nScene Description: Downstairs, Butters gasps\nHeidi: There's a boy here?\nButters: [moves towards the stairs pointing the future device] Stand back! I had a... great time tonight, but I gotta do what I was sent here to do! [runs up the stairs and outside]\nScene Description: Outside.\nCraig: He got it! He got the device! [the boys surround Butters]\nCartman: Tango tango tango! We've got it! Let's get it to the containment center! Go! [Clyde runs up, gets it, and runs off]\nStan: Come on, Butters.\nButters: No! That darn device is nothin' but trouble! Ah I'm done, and I'm goin' home to tell my Mom and Dad I'm not dead! [takes off his make up and runs off]\nHeidi: [appears at the doorway with her mom and dad and the other girls] What the hell?\nCartman: aahahaha, we have the device now! The power belongs to us! [turns around and runs as the other boys run away]\nHeidi: ...Anybody have a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard\nJason: Go! Go! Get in the containment field! [Clyde enters it and takes the future device attached to a stick, to the incubation shield. He places it inside. A glass covers it and seals it. Clyde then takes off his clothes and enters a decontamination shower]\nScene Description: The Stotch house\nLinda: Stephen, you did what??\nStephen: I had to, Linda. If there was even the slightest chance it would bring him back! I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!\nLinda: You dug up our son's body? Performed some kind of pagan ritual?\nStephen: Linda, I did it for you, you wanted him back so much! So did I!\nLinda: Not like this! [slows the voice down] Not like this. He wouldn't be our son, Stephen. He would be a walking abomination. An unholy demon spawn! [knocks are heard on the front door and they both gasp]\nButters: Hello?\nStephen: It's him.\nLinda: Keep the door locked.\nButters: Mom? Dad? Uh, it's me, Butters. I'm back. [his parents are horrified]\nLinda: Oh God... [Butters knocks again, then tries to turn the doorknob.] No! [Butters keeps trying to open the door, Linda hides her face on Stephen's shoulder. Silence. Linda begins to cry]\nStephen: [soothes her] It's gone, dear. It's gone. Forgive me.\nButters: [enters through the back door] Hey Mom and Dad, I'm not- [Linda screams and hides behind the couch]\nStephen: Oh God, it's terrible. What have I done?!\nButters: Uh, I guess you're probably a little surprised to see me.\nLinda: It isn't right! Make it go away!\nScene Description: The containment center\nCartman: Gentlemen, this is a historic day for all of the boy, and mankind. In a few moments, we will know the future. [handles the future-telling device with black gloves]\nStan: Ho-Hold on on guys. We're not sure what this device is capable of. Maybe we should wait until we've had more time to study it.\nCartman: No, No! We don't have time for that, Stan. It's time to ask questions.\nClyde: How come you get to use it first?\nCartman: Because I do, Clyde.\nCraig: I wanna use it.\nCartman: I'm askin' the first question! Let's just start with something simple. Will Kyle die before he's twenty?\nKyle: Wait! I don't wanna know that!\nClyde: Ask if the Broncos are gonna win on Sunday.\nJason: Nah dude, then it won't be fun to watch.\nCartman: Will you all shut up so I can do this!?\nCraig: You shut up, asshole.\nKyle: I don't wanna know when I'm going to die, fatass! [everyone starts arguing]\nStan: Guys, guys, guys, stop! [everyone goes silent] Look at what this thing is doing to us. Butters was trying to tell me something outside the house. That this device is nothing but trouble. I think I know what he meant now.\nJason: How could be nothing but trouble?\nStan: We risked everything to get it from the girls. How long before the girls attack us to get it back?\nClyde: Yeah. Forget about the girls. What about if the CIA or, or the Russians know we have this? They'll come after us for sure.\nCraig: Maybe we should take it so someplace safer.\nStan: And then what? Hide it forever from the government? From the... terrorists who want to use it for evil? Maybe... maybe nobody is meant to have this kind of power.\nBradley: You mean destroy it?\nCartman: Are you guys nuts?! After everything we've gone through!?\nStan: We got it away from the girls. That's what matters. But now the right thing to do isn't using it ourselves, then we're no better than they are.\nCartman: Think of the power!\nKyle: It's too much power. For anybody. Stan's right. It has to be destroyed.\nScene Description: In the woods. Kenny pours propane on the future device and walk back to the crowd of boys. He holds in his hand a detonator\nCartman: Are we sure about this? We'll never know the future.\nStan: Nobody will. That's the way it's suppose to be. Hit it, Kenny. [Kenny presses the button, the device explodes, destroying the surrounding area; the explosion is seen from space. Cartman and Kenny get up covered in ashes]\nCartman: Damn, Ken.\nScene Description: Stotch's house. Stephen takes Linda to the basement while consoling her]''\nStephen: Here. Here, you see? It's going to be all right. Hello... son. [Butters is shown shackled by the neck with chains attached to the basement walls]\nButters: Hi Dad.\nLinda: He was supposed to stay dead!\nButters: Mom, Dad, can I come upstairs now?\nStephen: Sorry, son, but... you're a demon spawn now. You're an abomination.\nButters: Can I have something to eat? Well, I'm pretty hungry.\nLinda: It's... hungry.\nStephen: Yes, it must feed.\nScene Description: Upstairs. Stephen opens the front door\nRachel: Hello, I'm Rachel with Quality Curtains.\nStephen: [nervously] Oh yes, thank you for coming.\nRachel: Which room are we looking at?\nStephen: Just follow me to the basement.\nLinda: Yes. The basement.\nRachel: [Rachel enters the basement; she begins walking down the stairs] Oh my, it's pretty dark down here. You sure you need curtains? [sees Butters shackled up] Oh my God!\nButters: Uh hello, I'm Butters.\nRachel: Little boy, what are you doing here? [Stephen kills Rachel with one hit of a shovel]\nButters: Huh?\nStephen: [shoves Rachel's corpse closer to Butters with the shovel] Here you go, son. Eat!\nLinda: What are we becoming?!\nStephen: Come on. Don't watch it eat. [they turn around and go up the stairs]\nButters: Can I just have some Spaghetti-O's?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison arrives to start class. A carton of eggs sits on her desk.\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, children, this week we are all going to learn about parenting. [writes the word on the board.] I'm going to pair all the boys and girls in class into couples, and give each couple... [opens the carton of eggs and holds an egg up for the class to see] an egg. You must care for and look after this egg just like a baby for one full week. If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby, and if you kill your baby, you get an F. When I announce your names, please move and sit with the person you're paired with. [on a magnetic board she has the girls listed on a table and the boys listed outside the table. She pairs the boys up with the girls as he calls them.] Heidi, you'll be with Eric.\nHeidi: [dissatisfied] Awww!\nMrs. Garrison: Annie, you'll be a family with Timmy.\nTimmy: Timmiih!\nMrs. Garrison: Millie, your husband is Craig. Powder, you and Kenny are a loving couple now.\nStan: [worried] Oh no, dude, he's gonna put me with Wendy.\nKenny: (So?)\nMrs. Garrison: Aaand let's see who else we have here, uh...\nStan: So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up.\nMrs. Garrison: And, Wendy? Wendy will be with Kyle.\nStan: Kyle??\nMrs. Garrison: Bebe, you're paired up with Stan. Lola and Token, Red and Craig, and Esther and Bradley. [the kids begin to pair up. Mrs. Garrison begins to distribute the eggs] Now, I'm going to sign each of your eggs myself, so that we'll know it's the same one at the end of the week. That way if anybody cheats and tries to replace their eggs, we'll know, Eric. [gives him a stern look] All you have to do is make it to Friday with your egg unharmed to prove what great little parents you are. [Token is somewhat shocked that he got a brown egg. Mrs. Garrison returns to the front of the class] Okay children, you can now take the rest of the school period to decorate your egg however you wish. Good luck, and remember, a dead baby means an F for the parents. [the kids begin decorating their eggs, and music begins to play] [seated at his desk gazing at the students, daydreaming] Just look at all these little families Newfound couples in a happy home. It takes me back to another time When I had a love of my own. [holds in her hands a signed portrait of Mr. Slave] [bolts up and starts singing aloud] Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. [picking flowers in a meadow] Love, so darn frail, you know? It shriveled and died. I don't know how. [Stan wanders through the neighborhood with hands in his pockets and reaches Wendy's place. He looks through a window and sees Kyle and Wendy working on their assignment in the kitchen. Mr. Garrison appears next to him] Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. [prances through town and stops at a bridal shop. She imagines himself as the bride] Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? [sits on her bed holding the portrait, then decides to drive to Mr. Slave's house.] Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago. [steps out of his car, goes up to the doorbell, and rings it. Mr. Slave opens there, then expresses a muted surprise] Hello, Mr. Slave. [bats her eyes at him]\nMr. Slave: Mr. Garrison! Ohoh, Jezuth!\nMrs. Garrison: [sweetly] Just let me say what I came here to say. I know we had a falling out and... things were said that... shouldn't have been said. I want to apologize for calling you a faggot.\nMr. Slave: That's, that's wonderful, Mr. Garrison!\nMrs. Garrison: Well, wait, wait, it gets better. I've forgiven you for walking out on me after I had my sex change, and uh... [gushes] And I'm ready to take you back, Mr. Slave!\nMr. Slave: Ooooo...\nMrs. Garrison: Well, give us a kiss!\nBig Gay Al: [appearing in the background] Say, honey, is that the pizza? [Mrs. Garrison is dismayed that it's Big Gay Al Mr. Slave is with]\nMrs. Garrison: [storms inside] What the hell is he doing here?!\nMr. Slave: Mr. Garrison, Al and I have been living together for a few months.\nMrs. Garrison: Well, that didn't take you long, did it?!\nBig Gay Al: Slave, should I leave you two alone?\nMrs. Garrison: Yes!\nMr. Slave: No! [walks over to Big Gay Al and stands next to him] Mr. Garrison, there's something you should know. Al and I are getting married.\nMrs. Garrison: Married?!\nBig Gay Al: [holds Mr. Slave's hand] Yes.\nMrs. Garrison: You can't get married! You're faggots!\nMr. Slave: [puts his hand to his forehead] Oh, Jesus Christ.\nMrs. Garrison: Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now! If you wanna get married, you have to marry ME!\nBig Gay Al: Oh that's not true! Colorado is about to pass a bill which allows same-sex marriage.\nMr. Slave: We're getting married right after the bill passes on Saturday.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh, that's just great! They're gonna let queers and homos get married, huh?!\nMr. Slave: Okay, that's enough. Out, Mr. Garrison.\nMrs. Garrison: We'll just see about this, you fudge-packin' fags!! I'll stop that gay-marriage law! [turns and leaves for the front door]\nMr. Slave: Oh my God, you're just saying that because you're jealous.\nMrs. Garrison: [turns around] Jealous of what?! I'm doin' this out of principle! To protect the sanctity of marriage! [backs up towards the front door] Fags are gettin' married over MY DEAD BODY!! [slams the door shut. Mr. Slave and Al look at each other]\nScene Description: Stan's house, living room. Stan sits at the coffee table steaming over the pairing of Wendy and Kyle. A cordless phone sits before him. He picks it up and dials it. It rings at a house, and Kyle goes over to answer it.\nKyle: Hello? Oh, hey, dude.\nStan: So, what are you and Wendy doing?\nKyle: Oh, we're just makin' a cradle out of an egg carton for our egg. We figure that way it'll be easier to keep safe so we can get an A.\nStan: Uh huh...\nKyle: I don't think it's gonna be that hard to keep it from breaking. This whole assignment is stupid.\nStan: Yeah, well, so is your hat. [hangs up and sets the phone down. Kyle is puzzled, Stan is upset. The doorbell rings and Stan goes to answer it]\nBebe: [holding their egg] Stan, I need you to watch the egg for a while.\nStan: I can't. I'm busy.\nBebe: I've been looking after it all day. I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store!\nStan: ...So take it with you!\nBebe: Stan, this is our egg. We're both supposed to take care of it.\nStan: [crosses his arms, turns around and goes inside] Well, maybe I didn't want to have an egg with you, okay, Bebe?!\nBebe: [follows him in] Well, whether you wanted to or not, doesn't really matter now! We're going to get graded together! It's your egg too! Own up to your responsibilities! [leaves the egg with him and walks out. Stan stands there with the egg for a few moments, then sits on the sofa and tosses the egg aside. He turns on the TV to catch an episode of \"One Day At A Time\"]\nScene Description: South Park, in front of the library. Mrs. Garrison is speaking to a large crowd gathered there.\nMrs. Garrison: These homosexuals think they can just step all over our traditions! Well I say: Marriage is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman! [the crowd applauds]\nWoman: Who is that lady?\nMan: I don't know, but she is pissed.\nMrs. Garrison: They passed this law behind our back! We need to tell the governor and the world that gay marriage is not okay! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us, all together, to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the livin' hell out of them! [Everyone else falls silent. She steps out from behind the podium and crouches a bit] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers, and some trucks, and have us a good old-fashioned fag drag!\nMan 2: Well uh, we were thinkin' we would, you know, just go appeal to the Governor.\nMrs. Garrison: Appeal to the Governor? Oh,come on! Where's your balls?! Fag drag!\nMan 3: We don't \"hate\" homosexuals, we, we we just don't want them to be able to marry.\nMan 4: Yeah, we were just thinkin' o' goin' and askin' the Governor to veto the bill.\nMan 5: Yeah.\nMrs. Garrison: [looking all alone now] Eh fah, fag drag?\nScene Description: Governor's building, day. Mrs. Garrison stands with a crowd of supporters inside the Governor's office.\nMrs. Garrison: Governor, we have collected over one thousand signatures requesting that you veto this gay-marriage bill!\nBill Owens: [with emotion] Oh jeez, I knew this would happen. First the gay people come in here wanting equal rights, then this bill gets passed and now all the people against it want me to veto it. [slams his right fist on his desk]> Why do I have to make this decision?? />\nMrs. Garrison: Because you're the governor?\nBill Owens: I just wanted a big house and lots of respect. I didn't want this kind of responsibility. [rises form his desk and turns away, walking towards a window] I mean, I don't know anything about gay marriage. What argument can I use to deny them their right to a family?\nMrs. Garrison: Well, think of the children! If you allow gays to get married, then you're also givin' them full rights as parents to adopt. You think kids can be raised by queers??\nBill Owens: I can't use that argument. There's never been a study done which proves that either way.\nMrs. Garrison: [gets an idea] But, if you had such a study, a scientific study which proved same-sex couples are incapable of raising a child...\nBill Owens: Then I would have something to fall back on. So-something to take all the pressure off of me.\nMrs. Garrison: [confidently] Mr. Governor, I will get you that study.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids trickle into class. Bebe approaches Wendy, each one holding an egg.\nBebe: Hey Wendy, how's your egg doing?\nWendy: Oh great. It's a pretty easy project. Kyle's really good with the egg. [beams at Kyle. Stan looks on, miffed]\nBebe: Yeah. [gets angry] I wish I had a partner like Kyle! I went to go pick up the egg from Stan yesterday, and his dog had it in its mouth! Our egg isn't gonna last a week with Stan around!\nMrs. Garrison: [enters with four big books and drops them on her desk] Okay, students, change of plan! [walks over to the magnetic chalkboard] You've all been doing a great job taking care of your eggs, but now we're going to mix it up a little. Wendy and Kyle will no longer be together.\nStan: [points at Kyle] HA!\nMrs. Garrison: Let's see what happens when we put two same-sex couples together to take care of an egg, shall we?! Kyle, you are now with Stan! And Wendy is with Bebe! [Kyle and Wendy exchange glances]\nKyle: Why?\nMrs. Garrison: Come on, Bebe. We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after.\nBebe: Oh, goodie. [moves over to take a seat next to Wendy]\nMrs. Garrison: And we'll just take this egg for Stan and Kyle to look out for. [takes Wendy's egg...]\nWendy: No. No, that's my egg.\nMrs. Garrison: Wendy, we're doing an experiment. [...and gives her Bebe's egg...] Here you go, boys. [...and gives Wendy's egg to the boys]\nWendy: But I made that egg. Mr. Garrison, please. Youyou can't give my egg to Stan, he'll break it.\nMrs. Garrison: [ebullient] Hoh now, what makes you say that, Wendy? I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine... [goes towards the chalkboard, scheming] And if not, we'll certainly prove a point to that goddamned Governor, won't we?\nKyle: Who?\nMrs. Garrison: [shifty] Never mind, just carry on, children. Just carry on as two reckless little boys will.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. He and Kyle are in the kitchen. Kyle is designing a container for their egg.\nKyle: Okay, there. Now we can carry this egg around in this case without it getting cracked.\nStan: Alright, give it to me. I'll take it home tonight.\nKyle: Look, Stan, you want me to just take care of this egg?\nStan: [suspicious] Why do you say that?\nKyle: It's just that... I really need this A, Stan. And Bebe did say you almost broke your last egg.\nStan: That's because I was pissed off!\nKyle: At who? [the doorbell rings] Heh- hang on. [goes to answer the door and finds Wendy outside]\nWendy: [wistfully] I wanna see my egg.\nKyle: Huh?\nWendy: [enunciates] I want to see my egg.\nKyle: Wendy, it isn't your egg anymore!\nWendy: Yes it is. I made it, I decorated it.\nKyle: Well, you might have made it, but we're the ones who are taking care of it now. You have your own egg to look out for!\nWendy: ...I just wanna hold my egg for a couple of minutes.\nKyle: [consoles her a bit, but turns her away] Wendy, I just wanna get an A, okay? Let's not make this any more confusing than it already is. <>[Stan peeks out from the kitchen and sees Kyle's arm around Wendy]\nWendy: Don't let anything happen to it, please. [Stan gets upset and disappears back into the kitchen]\nKyle: Wendy, nothing's gonna happen to the egg. You can have it when the week is over and I have my grade. [slams the door on her and returns to the kitchen, where an angry Stan is sitting in his chair with his arms crossed] Freakin' weirdos, man.\nStan: You think you're so great, don't you?! Well guess what?! Maybe I don't need your help! I'm taking the egg home tonight, and I'm gonna show everybody tomorrow that I'm every bit as good an egg-take-care-over as you! [hops off the chair and rushes out the side door]\nKyle: What the hell is wrong with everybody?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison enters with more books.\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, children, it's Wednesday! Time for an official egg check! Heidi and Eric?\nHeidi: Our egg is fine.\nMrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Okay, Annie and Timmy?\nTimmy: TimmiIH!\nMrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Good. Millie and Clyde, I saw yours before class. [writes OK on their row] Powder and Kenny?\nKenny: (Our egg is okay.)\nMrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?\nStan: [determined, willful] Fine!\nMrs. Garrison: What?\nStan: No problems at all!\nMrs. Garrison: [turns around in anger] That's impossible! [snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully] Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me?! Where's my signature?!\nStan: It's right there, see? [leans towards Kyle in fear. Wendy looks down and away from the action]\nMrs. Garrison: Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!\nKyle: Dude, it's totally fine.\nMrs. Garrison: It isn't fine! It has two daddies! You call that fine?! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [taunts the egg directly] Two daddies! Two daddies! Come on, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!\nScene Description: Governor's building, day.\nField reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the Governor's office, where in just two days, the Governor can either sign or veto the new bill allowing gay marriage. Same-sex couples from all over the state have shown up in support, [Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al are there] while dissenters have also converged. The governor is about to give a statement.\nBill Owens: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word \"marriage\" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else? [everyone listens quietly] You homosexuals will have all exactly the same rights as married couples, but instead of referring to you as \"married,\" you can be... butt buddies. [long silence] Instead of being \"man and wife,\" you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be \"betrothed,\" you'll be... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a \"bride and groom,\" you'd be... butt buddies.\nMr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!\nBill Owens: Y-you are equal. It's just that instead of getting \"engaged,\" you would be... butt buuuddies. And everyone is happy!\nWoman: Well what about lesbians?!\nBill Owens: Well like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes. [the crowd goes into an uproar] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison is at her desk reviewing daily egg evaluations. He's reading Stan and Kyle's.\nMrs. Garrison: Damnit, damnit! Stan and Kyle's egg is still doin' fine! Those little assholes are screwin' up my entire plan! [there's a knock on the classroom door] Yes, what?! [Cartman walks in with his shattered egg and sits on the chair next to the desk. He places the egg on the desk, crosses his arms and looks away. Mrs. Garrison looks at the egg and is dismayed] What the hell is this?!\nCartman: I broke the egg.\nMrs. Garrison: You broke your egg?? Uh but you're partnered with a girl.\nCartman: I tried to cover it up, tried to put it back together with modeling glue, tried to seal it with a soldering gun, but, I give up. I can't hide it, I broke the egg.\nMrs. Garrison: Did you tell anyone else about this?\nCartman: ...No.\nMrs. Garrison: Did you tell your egg partner, Heidi?\nCartman: No. That's why I'm here. I think you should still give Heidi an A on the project. You see, I broke the egg, not her. And so, I should get an F, and she should get an A, which means that together the grade should average out to C minus for both of us.\nMrs. Garrison: I can't do that, Eric!\nCartman: Damnit! I knew you'd say that! You always have it out for me!\nMrs. Garrison: You have to get an A, Eric. Here: I'll sign this new egg for you. We'll pretend this never happened, all right? [goes about making a duplicate egg for Cartman] Just... put on the old hair, color in the same eyes... There we go, good as new. [places it near Cartman and puts the shattered one in his desk drawer] Go enjoy the rest of your recess.\nCartman: [thinks about what just happened] Mr. Garrison..., you've never been this cool to me before.\nMrs. Garrison: ...Okay, well, you're welcome, Eric. Now, just run along. [continues grading papers]\nCartman: ...Why are you doing this?\nMrs. Garrison: Because I'm a nice teacher, all right?\nCartman: What do you want from me?\nMrs. Garrison: Nothing! It's all okay! Just take your damn egg!\nCartman: ...No.\nMrs. Garrison: [quickly grabs Cartman by the collar] Eric, you've never been anything but a problem for me! You're taking that egg! And if you break it again, I'll break both your legs, and burn down your house! Do you hear me?!\nCartman: [choking] Yes teacher.\nMrs. Garrison: [releases him] Get out of my face! [Eric gets his new egg and rushes out of the classroom] Urrgh, this scientific study isn't turning out the way I planned! Looks like I'm gonna have to... intervene.\nScene Description: Akbar, night, a seedy side of town. Mrs. Garrison enters and looks around, sees her target and walks over. She sits opposite a rough-looking man.\nMrs. Garrison: Are you Jakartha?\nJakartha: Who the hell are you?!\nMrs. Garrison: Mrs. Garrison. I spoke to your associates on the telephone.\nJakartha: Ahh yes, you are interested in my services.\nMrs. Garrison: I have a little... problem I need taken care of. I heard you're the best.\nJakartha: Who do you want me to kill? [Mrs. Garrison pulls out a photo from her purse and puts it face down on the table, then slides it towards Jakartha. Jakartha picks it up and looks at it. It's a picture of Stan and Kyle's egg] What is this?\nMrs. Garrison: It's an egg.\nJakartha: You want me to kill an egg?\nMrs. Garrison: I can pay two thousand now, three more when the job is finished.\nJakartha: What do you expect me to do with it?\nMrs. Garrison: I don't care. Scramble it, fry it, do what you will! It has to look like an accident.\nJakartha: I am a serious assassin! Get out of my face!\nMrs. Garrison: What's the matter? You... afraid you can't do it? Can't say that I blame ya. That egg has caused me nothin' but problems since day one! [rises and steps away from the table] I guess... you're not as good as they say you are...\nJakartha: [jabs a Bowie knife into the table and rises violently] I am the greatest killer the world has ever seen!!\nMrs. Garrison: Then why are you scared of one little egg?!\nJakartha: I will murder that egg! Then I will make it curse the day it was laid!\nMrs. Garrison: That's more like it!\nScene Description: Stan's house, dawn. Stan packs his books into his backpack, then goes to the phone table to see his egg.\nStan: Day five. I made it! [the phone rings, and he answers] Hello?\nScene Description: Kyle's house, dawn. His family is eating breakfast in the kitchen.\nKyle: Dude, did you hear what's happening?\nStan: What?\nKyle: Garrison is taking us all on a field trip today. He wants to do the final egg check in front of the Governor's office!\nStan: Governor's office?\nKyle: She's really taking this grade seriously, Stan. I'm gonna come over so that we can take our egg to school together, all right?\nStan: Aah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you!\nKyle: Okay, Stan, you've been an asshole to me all week! What is up?!\nStan: What's up?! Oh, nothing except that you've been trying to impress Wendy all week long like a pathetic dickhole!\nKyle: Impress Wendy??\nStan: You've set it all up to look like you're this awesome prince and I'm just a loser!\nKyle: What the hell are you talking about?!\nStan: Well guess what?! I'm gonna take this egg to class myself! And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy, and say \"See?! I'm every bit as good as Kyle is.\" [a laser dot snakes its way up the egg. Stan notices this with some surprise, and the egg explodes in his hand. Some of it lands on his face and cap. Jakartha appears behind the bushes across the street and lowers his sniper rifle]\nJakartha: Almost too easy. [drops down and crawls away]\nStan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nKyle: Stan?\nStan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. He's in his room with his head down on his desk buried in his arms, with the shattered egg next to him. His door opens and Kyle steps in.\nKyle: Stan? Stan, I think we should talk.\nStan: [softly crying, muffled] Dude, you should just go be with Wendy and be happy.\nKyle: Stan, I don't like Wendy. [Stan's raises his head and listens] All I cared about was getting an A in this stupid project!\nStan: Yeah well, I blew it. Now we're gonna fail and Wendy thinks I'm a total loser.\nKyle: I thought you didn't care about Wendy anymore.\nStan: I don't. She's totally lame. [he drops his head into his arms again.]\nKyle: Stan, there was never anything between Wendy and I. [Stan's raises his head again] I wouldn't go out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.\nStan: [hops off his chair and approaches Kyle, head down] I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Kyle. I'm obviously just a crappy best friend to have.\nKyle: Yyeah well, I-I'm sorry I didn't trust you either.\nStan: Huh?\nKyle: [turns away and walks a few paces] It was really important for me to get an A, Stan. And Bebe said you were so reckless with your egg, so I made a fake one for you [reaches into his jacket and pulls out an egg] and kept the original safe with me.\nStan: That... [walks up to Kyle and points at the egg] That's the real egg with Garrison's signature?\nKyle: Yeah dude. I'm sorry.\nStan: Then... then Wendy won't think I'm a total loser!\nKyle: Yeah. And I can still get my A!\nStan: Come on, buddy, let's go! [walks happily towards his door. Kyle steps forward, then stops]\nKyle: Stan... [Stan turns, then he turns away] Do you really think my hat is stupid?\nStan: [walks back and puts his left hand on Kyle's shoulder] As a matter of fact,... I think it is the nicest hat I've ever known. [Kyle smiles and Stan pats him twice on the back] Come on! [they head out]\nScene Description: Governor's office, outside. The Governor is speaking.\nBill Owens: Today is a very big day in which I'm supposed to make a very big decision. As some of you know, my biggest issue with gay marriage regards child-rearing. And a new study has just been concluded which will give me the ability to take no personal responsibility in this decision.\nBig Gay Al: A new study?\nBill Owens: Here with the results of that study is the lovely Mrs. Garrison. [steps aside and gives her the podium.]\nMrs. Garrison: [floats in like a diva] Thank you, Governor.\nMr. Slave: [strokes his temple] Oh, Jesus Christ.\nMrs. Garrison: Ladies and Gentlemen, with the help of some adorable fourth-grade students, we've completed our scientific, non-biased study of fags having kids. Come on up, children. [the kids file into view and spread out before the podium. Jakartha shows up as well and stands next to the white chalkboard.] The parents were grouped together as male and female. As you can see...\nAide: [rushes up with a phone] Uh, Mrs. Garrison. You have an emergency phone call.\nMrs. Garrison: [takes the phone and answers] Yes, what is it?! I'm a little busy!\nKyle: [in the back seat of a speeding cab with Stan] Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle! Our egg is okay! We'll be there in a couple of minutes!\nMrs. Garrison: [turns away from the mic] What?? Y-your... you're too late!\nKyle: Don't fail us! We'll be right there!\nMrs. Garrison: No you can'- Hello? Hello!! [hauls Jakartha into view by the lapel] You told me you killed that freak egg!!\nJakartha: I was sure I did!\nMrs. Garrison: Well it's here! You'd better make damn sure it doesn't reach these steps uncracked! [shoves him away and returns to the mic] Haha, anyhow, as I was saying, we put one egg into the hands of two male students. [far away from the podium the cab screeches to a stop and the left back door opens. Stan hops out]\nKyle: [pays the cabbie] Thanks dude! [hops out behind Stan]\nStan: There! Over there! [they run through the crowd, taking care the egg doesn't fall out and break] Excuse us! Excuse us please!\nJakartha: [runs alongside them, aiming at the egg] Yeeeeaah! [opens fire. People begin to fall away left and right]\nStan: Jesus Christ!\nKyle: Keep running! [other people hear the gunfire and look around]\nMrs. Garrison: The the egg that the two boys were given just-\nKyle: Hang on! Wait! [Jakartha bumps someone aside and starts detonating hidden bombs around the plaza. Groups of people are thrown off in all directions. The Governor begins to pay attention]\nMrs. Garrison: In conclusion, Governor, you can rest assured that-! [one last blast is especially deadly. The area fills with dark brown smoke. As the smoke clears, Stan and Kyle hobble towards the podium, tattered clothes and all]\nStan: [tired, voice breaking] Teacher, our egg is... okay. [falls onto his back and passes out, holding the egg high for all to see]\nBill Owens: [kneels to inspect the egg] This egg is fine. [rises and steps forth] Gays can get married! [everyone cheers and gay couples hug each other in celebration.]\nMrs. Garrison: Noo! Noooo!!\nKyle: [still woozy] Gays can get married? What??\nScene Description: Wedding of Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave, at a gazebo nearby. The guests are in place, the happy couple and the minister are on the gazebo floor.\nFr. Maxi: I now pronounce you man... and man. [both men, Al and Slave, are wearing wedding dresses. They turn to face each other and kiss on the lips. Everyone present cheers, and Mr. Slave and Al run down the aisle to their new life together. Stan and Kyle appear as the crowd disperses]\nRandy: [walks up and kneels next to Stan] Boys, I'm really proud of you. You've done an amazing thing for marriage rights. [rises and walks away. Wendy walks up]\nKyle: [still confused] What did we do?\nWendy: Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you. You really made a great dad.\nStan: [smugly] Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy. [Wendy's face falls, then she turns and walks away sadly.]\nMrs. Garrison: Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Oral Report Day. Token is at the front of the class with a picture of all the planets rising over the moon on the roll-up screen.\nToken: Pluto is also the furthest planet from the sun, though scientists believe more planets lie beyond it. I hope you enjoyed my report on the Solar System. Thank you. [the projector turns off and Token takes his seat as Timmy claps a little]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Token. Thank you. 'K kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have ah Eric.\nCartman: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around, looking at his paper] Thank you, Mrs. Garrison. [reads] My speech is entitled \"Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles.\" [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We've all seen them - on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets - they creep us out and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I'm talking of course about... ginger kids. [cues up his pics. A red-headed boy appears] Aww sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. [next picture is of a girl licking her triple-scoop ice-cream cone] Aw, nasty! Yuck! [returns to his paper] This disease is called Gingervitus, and it occurs because ginger kids have no souls.\nKyle: [annoyed at Cartman's ignorance] What?!\nCartman: Kids who have gingervitus cannot be cured. [another redheaded girls pops up] Ah sick! [another redhead] Gross! [another redhead] Yeck! [returns to his paper] Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun. Not unlike... [a picture of a vampire with a full moon and bats behind him pops up] vampires.\nClass: Aaaah.\nKyle: That's not true, fatass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun!\nCartman: I was getting to that, if you will let me. [returns to his paper] Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called \"daywalkers.\" [cues up a picture of Kyle, with \"daywalkers\" written underneath]\nButters: Ho! Daywalkers!\nKyle: This is all a bunch of crap!\nCartman: Mrs. Garrison, I'm really havin' a difficult time with all these interruptions...\nMrs. Garrison: Kyle, let Eric give his presentation.\nKyle: It's not a presentation, it's a hate speech! People aren't creeped out by gingers!\nClyde: [glances around] I am.\nMrs. Garrison: Kyle, if you wanna debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow!\nKyle: Fine, I will! [crosses his arms]\nCartman: Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamned daywalker mouth! [Kyle grits his teeth and growls, trying to contain himself] Let's see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse, [next picture: a boy with a few missing front teeth] and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that gingers are vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one, [the last pic is that of Carrot Top] think again. [the bell rings and the kids file out of the classroom.]\nKyle: Stupid supremacist asswipe!\nStan: Dude, what's the big deal?\nKyle: What's the big deal? Don't you understand what ignorant prejudice like that can lead to? I have to disprove Cartman's hateful rumors! Do you know any red-haired, freckled kids?\nStan: [thinks a moment] What about the Foley family? I think they're all ginger.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to a house. The front door opens and three redheads greet them.\nThree kids: Hello?\nKyle: Hey. Wuh I'm giving a speech tomorrow about people with red hair and freckles. Can I ask you a few questions?\nGirl: [the middle child] Sure. Come on in. [waves them in. They enter]\nBoy: [the oldest child] Mom, Dad, these boys wanna know about us.\nFather: What? Heh, hello there, kids.\nKyle: We... came to learn the facts about people with red hair, light skin and freckles.\nFather: [nervous throughout] Oho, gingers, yes. Our cute little red-haired rascals.\nStan: I'm sorry, but I don't understand. You both have dark hair and brown eyes.\nFather: Yes, we've learned that the ginger gene is recessive in both our families' DNA. Actually, the odds of us having a red-haired freckled child were only one in four. And still it happened. Three times. What are the odds? [breaks down and sobs into his hands]\nMother: A lot of people carry the ginger gene and don't know. [her husband stops sobbing and raises his head] If your spouse is also a carrier, then your children can turn out like... them. [they both look at the kids, who smile and grin]\nFather: Each one of them's a blessing.\nMother: Oh yes, each one of them's a blessing.\nFather: Huh Blesse-blessing full of love.\nThree kids: [grinning] Thanks, Mom and Dad.\nKyle: But it's... it's not true they... have no souls. [somber music plays]\nFather: No... no, I'm sure they do. [quickly rises and shows the boys to the door] Well it was nice meeting you boys. We've gotta get dinner started.\nKyle: I just had a couple more questions about-\nFather: Look, boys, if you really don't wanna have ginger kids, marry an Asian woman. Asians don't carry the recessive gene. [looks right and left] I know a guy who's marrying a Japanese woman very soon for just that reason. [closes the door on them and they turn around]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Second Oral Report Day. Kyle stands at the front of the class with an image of melanin's chemical structure.\nKyle: And so, red hair, light skin, and freckles are all passed down genetically. A child's red hair is not determined by the lack of a soul, [Cartman yawns] but by the melanins which control the pigment in all of our skins. Thank you. [turns off the projector and goes to his desk amid some applause]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Kyle. A little dry and science-y for my taste, but there you go. [the bell rings] All right, that's lunch, kids. We'll pick up with Clyde's speech about lesbian cheerleaders after recess.\nButters: That was a very informative speech, Kyle.\nKyle: Thanks Butters\nCartman: Informative if you want to die. [hops off his seat and joins Butters and Kyle] Gusy, don't forget. Kyle is a daywalker. Daywalkers are half-gingers themselves. Make no mistake: ginger kids are evil. You know who was ginger? Judas. And what did Judas do? Oh, he just got Jesus killed, that's all. [moves towards the door] Look, I'm just saying what everyone else already thinks: Gingers are creepy. And one night, when you're all sleepin' in your room, the gingers are gonna getcha. They're gonna GETCHA! [points at Clyde, who jumps back.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk towards the camera.\nStan: You buying school lunch today?\nKyle: Nah, my mom packed me a kosher lunch.\nClyde: [off screen] Right this way! [the camera shows four boys - Craig, Jimmy, Clyde and Token - kicking a redhead out] You can't eat in the cafeteria! [Craig crosses his arms]\nBoy: How come?\nToken: Ginger kids eat in the hallway!\nJimmy: Yeah. Go on, beat it, re... rr-retard! [the redhead walks off and the other four boys go back inside the cafeteria]\nKyle: There! You see?! This is what happens when Cartman is allowed his right to free speech!\nStan: That's just wrong, dude. I wish Cartman could see what it felt like to be ginger.\nKyle: [thinks] Hey. [snaps his fingers] That's a great idea!\nKenny: (What's a great idea?)\nKyle: Can you guys meet me over at Cartman's house tonight at around midnight?\nStan: Sure, for what?\nKyle: We're gonna teach that fat bastard a lesson!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, midnight. Cartman is snoring. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny pop up outside his window and open it. They climb in. Stan motions Kenny to Cartman's door, and Kenny walks over to close it. Stan quickly goes to Cartman's desk and takes out some makeup - skin bleach, hair color, henna kit - and some yellow latex gloves.\nStan: Okay dude, knock him out. [Kyle takes out a small club and starts beating Cartman with it. After five blows Stan rushes over to stop him] Dude, dude okay, he's out! [with the club gone, Kyle resorts to punching Cartman out] Kyle, that's good! [Kenny puts his ear to the door and listens for any activity in the hallway] All right, let's do it.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, morning. Liane, in her night robe, walks over to Cartman's room and knocks on the door.\nLiane: Eric honey, time to get up for school. [heads back to the kitchen downstairs. Cartman rolls over and wakes up, hops down and leaves his room]\nCartman: -ed a fine time to leave me, Lucille Four hungry children and a-\nLiane: [hears him and drops the spatula] Poopsiekins! [rushes back to the restroom, leaving her eggs cooking. Cartman checks his face thoroughly, but continues to scream. Liane arrives and enters] Sweetie, what is the- [he turns around and she screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nCartman: I'M GINGER!\nLiane: Oh my God! Eric!\nCartman: Help me! Hellp mee!\nScene Description: A hospital room. A doctor gives Cartman a check-up.\nDoctor: Well, all his vital signs are still normal. From his outward appearance, I would say he has the standard skin pigment deficiency.\nLiane: You mean...\nDoctor: Yes, I'm afraid that your son is suffering from gingervitus.\nCartman: And how could I become a ginger now?! I wasn't born like this!\nDoctor: Well, the red-haired and freckle gene is a recessive gene. It must've stayed dormant in your system until you hit adolescence.\nCartman: So I'm gonna stay like this forever?\nDoctor: [puts a hand on Cartman's back] I'm sorry, son. [takes Liane aside] Ms. Cartman, could I have a word with you? [walks a few steps with Liane] Ms. Cartman, I know this must be... very difficult for you. I for one can't stand red-haired, freckled kids, but you need to understand, there is no cure. Your son will be ginger his whole life. You might want to just... put him down.\nLiane: Oh... [looks away. Cartman hops off the bed and walks up and stands between them.]\nCartman: Agh, excuse me, Doctor, but it just so happens my mom loves me, no matter what I look like! [crosses his arms] Right, Mom?! [a bit shocked when she doesn't answer right away] Mom?!\nLiane: Oh ye-yes, of course,sweetie.\nDoctor: All right, but... you're gonna have to take certain precautions now. It's very important that you keep Eric out of the sun. The sun... is his worst enemy.\nScene Description: The school bus stop, morning. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting there, as usual. Cartman walks up with a blue umbrella open, shielding him from the sun.\nCartman: Hey dudes, what's goin' on? [coughs to clear his throat] How is everything with you guys?\nKyle: Wow, Cartman. You look... different.\nCartman: Yes, well, it's interesting you should point that out, Kyle. I went to the doctor yesterday, and apparently I suffer from a small skin pigment deficiency.\nStan: You mean,you're a ginger?\nCartman: Actually, gingervitus is the medical term.\nKyle: Is that an umbrella you're using?\nCartman: Yes, Kyle. [coughs] The sun's rays are bad for my skin, so I need to be protected when I'm outside. Well, I'm glad we've gotten all that out of the way, and now we can just go on with our lives as normal.\nKyle: [looks at Stan for a moment] ...Wow, that's a little ironic, isn't it?\nCartman: What do you mean, Kyle?\nKyle: Well, I mean, all last week you were ripping on ginger kids and now you are one.\nCartman: [thinks] Hm. I don't really see the irony in that, Kyle. [the school bus pulls up and opens its doors. The kids climb in and find seats]\nScene Description: The school bus. Cartman sits next to Butters, who's taken aback at Cartman's new appearance. A few moments later, Butters begins to laugh.\nCartman: That's fine, just get it out of the way...\nKyle: Dude, this is going awesome.\nStan: Maybe he'll actually learn a lesson this time. [Butters strokes his nose, then takes out a napkin to wipe away tears from the laughter, then sighs, only to resume laughing, harder. Cartman just folds his arms across his chest and looks away]\nScene Description: The school cafeteria. The kids are eating, but there's not a redhead to be seen in there... except for.\nCartman: [Walks up to an empty space between Clyde and Token] Hey Clyde, Token. Sup, Jim? [begins to eat]\nToken: What are you doing?\nCartman: I'm grubbin'. What's it look like?\nClyde: You're not supposed to be in the cafeteria.\nCartman: Huh?\nCraig: You know the rule. No ginger kids in the cafeteria.\nCartman: But... it's me.\nClyde: Right. And you're a ginger. [at a nearby table, Stan is about to eat his burger, but Kyle softly jabs him]\nKyle: Dude, check it out. [Stan looks over]\nCartman: Guys! Okay, look, maybe I'm ginger, but... I'm not like other ginger kids. I'm still me inside. [the camera looks around at the other kids at the table, who remain silent]\nClyde: Sorry. If we let one ginger kid in here, then the others are gonna start coming.\nJimmy: Yeah, beat it, j... jackass. [Cartman is stunned, but takes his tray and walks away. He walks past Kyle, Stan, and Kenny.]\nKyle: We did it guys. We finally taught Cartman a lesson. I'll bet that now, Cartman is gonna have a long hard think about how he treated gingers.\nScene Description: The South Park Elementary Library. Cartman did indeed think long and hard about this, so now he's holding this meeting.\nCartman: I want to thank everyone for showing up today. I've called this meeting because, I don't know about you, but for one am sick and tired of being discriminated against! Just because we have red hair, light skin and freckles, we're thought of as somehow less important, and it's bullcrap!\nBoy: Yeah!\nCartman: Kids at school laugh at us, doctors call us \"genetically inferior.\" The world needs to know that we are people, with feelings! And our parents love us for who we are!\nOlder Boy: My dad says that each one of my freckles is a kiss from an angel.\nCartman: ...Riiight, exactly! We can't let this go on any longer! We should be PROUD of who we are! Think about all the great people in history who were ginger. People like... [he can't think of any] Like uh... [looks up in thought, then softly] Liiike...\nGirl: Ron Howard?\nCartman: Right! Ron Howard! And uh... Aaaaand...\nOlder Boy: Ron Howard? [the other redheads look at him]\nCartman: Right! We already had him, but right! See? Ginger people go on to do amazing things in society! We need to let everyone in this school know that we are not inferior! That we are in fact beautiful, totally awesome, and super-smart. It's time for us to take back our pride!\nKids: Yeah!\nScene Description: The playground, moments later. A girl chases a boy around. Stan, Kyle and Kenny play tetherball.\nCartman: Red Power! [Stan stops the game and the boys look at the source of commotion. Cartman leads the gingers across the playground]\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: Red Power!\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: Red Power!\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: Red Power!\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: We gingers are proud people! We are the noble descendants of great Americans like Ron Howard, and ...others! We will not be discriminated against any longer, for we are a great race!\nGingers: Yeah!\nCartman: [resumes the march] Red Power!\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: Red Power!\nGingers: Red Power!\nKyle: I don't believe it.\nCartman: Red Power!\nStan: Should we tell him the truth?\nGingers: Red Power!\nKyle: Nah, let him make a complete ass out of himself for a little while longer. [he and Stan return to their tetherball game]\nCartman: Red Power!\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: Better red than dead!\nGingers: Better red than dead!\nCartman: Better red than dead!\nScene Description: New break. A field reporter stands outside a theater, with a crowd milling around behind him.\nChris: Tom, I'm standing outside the Denver Center For The Performing Arts, where the new production of \"Annie\" has just premiered to cries of outrage. [a shot of gingers with Cartman front and center] A rapidly-growing organization called The Ginger Separatist Movement is furious that the lead role of Annie [shown, in character] is being played by a girl [shown in regular clothes and real hair] who isn't actually red-haired and freckled. Joining me now is the gingers' head spokesperson, Eric Cartman.\nCartman: That's right! This is bullcrap! We True Gingers are furious that the role of Annie is being minimalized!\nReporter: What harm do you believe this actress is doing to the true red-haired community?\nCartman: The bitch isn't ginger! She's just using makeup to look ginger! And pretending to be ginger with makeup is the worst thing anybody can do!\nGingers: Yeah! That's right! [among other things]\nScene Description: The center's doors open and Annie walks out to cheers and flash bulbs. She waves to everyone.\nCartman: There she is! Get her! [the gingers rush her and start ganging up on her] Die, you stupid bitch!\nReporter: This is getting pretty ugly, Tom. These gingers are really riled up! If you are a ginger and would like to join The Ginger Separatist Movement, you can attend their first meeting this Friday in the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.\nScene Description: The Airport Hilton, day, the Sunset Room. One of the older boys in school is speaking.\nOlder Boy: Okay, welcome, everyone. It's so great to see such a wonderful turnout at the first All-Ginger Pride Conference! [everyone cheers] Now it is my honor to introduce the man who has brought self-respect to gingers, Eric Cartman!\nCartman: [comes in pumped up like a televangelist to his own theme music] Thanks Jody! Gingers, how are we feelin'? [the redhead cheer] Can I get a Red Power?\nGingers: Red Power!\nCartman: Oh yeah! That feels good, doesn't it? Feels good to be proud of who you are! Now I don't think I need to tell you there's a lot of hate out there. Hate for awesome people like us. And if there's one thing I've learned, is that the only way to fight hate, is with more hate! We are not the freaks of society, everyone else is!\nGingers: Yeah!!\nCartman: Gingers are the chosen people! The chosen race! And we must view the rest of the world as the lowlife, dark-skinned rats that they are! [all the redheads cheer wildly]\nGary Nelson: Hello there! Gary Nelson with Hilton Guest Relations. Just making sure you guys have everything you need. [long silence]\nCartman: We're fine, thanks.\nGary Nelson: Need any buffet items restocked? Everyone okay on coffee?\nCartman: We're fine!\nGary Nelson: Great. Oh, and hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for choosing the Airport Hilton for your conference.\nCartman: You're welcome!! Now leave us alone!! [Gary closes the door] My fellow gingers! I envision a world in which there IS no hate! A world where everyone is ginger! And so, we must gather together every child who is NOT ginger, and exterminate them!\nGinger 1: Huh\nGinger 2: What\nGinger 3: Ex-terminate?\nCartman: Now go! Go out into the night and take non-ginger kids from their homes! We will eradicate them all with cages and tortures and a pit of lava to thrown them all in! Now I am not gonna live my life as a Goddamned minority! Are you with me?!\nGingers: Huzzah! Huzzah!\nScene Description: Night time. Kyle and Kenny knock on Stan's front door, and he answers. He rubs his eyes and remains half-asleep.\nKyle: Dude, we're gonna go sneak into Cartman's and change him back into a non-ginger!\nStan: Huh? Why?\nKyle: Because now he's acting like gingers are awesome. And all his friends are gingers. When he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he isn't really ginger, it'll be hysterical!\nKenny: (Hehe, yeah. Hehe)\nKyle: Are you in?\nStan: ... totally.\nScene Description: The sidewalk. The three boys walk towards Cartman's house.\nStan: You know, Cartman is an uncaring, bigoted intolerant asshole, but I have to admit, I had my own prejudice about gingers. I think we all need to realize that everyone is different in one way or another, and we shouldn't be threatened by those differences. I mean, Cartman had me kind of creeped out that gingers were gonna come get me in the night.\nKenny: (Hehe, yeah, heh) [Stan stops and gasps. The other two stop. Before them stand at least five redheads]\nKyle: Oh... hey there. [long silence]\nStan: You guys... need... anything? [long silence]\nKyle: Let's just... let's just walk this way. [starts to cross the street, Stan and Kenny follow him, but they all see more gingers crawl out of the bushes across the street]\nStan: More ginger kids. Um, meh-maybe we should just go home.\nKyle: Yeah, good idea. [the boys go back the way the came. Gingers converge upon them, and they begin to run]\nStan: The hell do they want? [A redhead comes in from the right side and snatches Kenny away]\nKenny: (AH!)\nKyle: Kenny!\nStan: Run, dude, run!!\nScene Description: Clyde's room, night. Clyde is sleeping, but some noise wakes him up. Three raps are heard on the window and he sits up to see who it is.\nClyde: [gathers his covers around him] Uh... Gi... ginger kids! AAAAAH! [his parents leave their room]\nMom: Clyde? What is it, honey? [they go to his room and open his door, and are horrified. Before them is his window, wiiide open, and his empty bed. The wind howls outside]\nScene Description: Another house, night. A boy goes to his bathroom to brush his teeth. He pulls the toothpaste out of the medicine cabinet and closes the door, only to find some smiling gingers waiting for him.\nBoy: Aaah! [turns around] Ginger kids! Nooo! [a ginger girl grabs a hold of him]\nScene Description: Another house. A boy opens the front door and his little sister stands behind him.\nGinger Girl: Laaa la, laaa lala.\nGirl: What is it?\nGinger Girl: laaa lala.\nBoy: It's a... little ginger girl.\nGinger Girl: laaa la.\nGirl: Shut the door!\nGinger Girl: Laaa la, laaa lala, laaa la.\nKids: AAAAAH! [they panic and run away. The boy runs into the banister and falls down. The girl trips over him]\nBoy: Ow!\nGinger Girl: [reaches the entrance] Laaa la, laaa lala.\nScene Description: Another house. A boy is showering before he goes to bed. He rinses off, closes the faucet, opens the curtain, and screams. He cowers in the bathtub as gingers close in on him.\nScene Description: The sidewalk. Two kids are walking alone when more redheads appear and converge on them.\nScene Description: An abandoned barn.\nKyle: In there! Let's go! [he and Stan run into it and close the doors. They run to a long log and lift it up] Get this jamb on the door! [they throw the jamb into place. Redheads try to wrestle the roads open but can't budge it. A window nearby breaks open and gingers start to crawl in through it. More windows break open, then the walls and doors start falling apart as the gingers barge in. Another ginger looks in from the roof and drops down to join the others. They grab Stan and Kyle, who scream one last time]\nScene Description: The Airport Hilton, day, the Sunset Room. Stan, Kyle, and a few non-ginger kids are in a cage.\nStan: Kyle. Kyle, wake up.\nKyle: [wakes up] Huh. Whaaa? [stands up] Where are we? [walks to the cage wall and looks out. The Sunset Room is dark and red from the glow of a lava cauldron. There are cages all over the place, even hanging from the ceiling. The ginger kids stand around the cauldron]\nStan: I think we're at the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.\nCartman: My fellow gingers! The day of reckoning is finally upon us! [the gingers stomp and cheer]\nStan: Cartman?\nKyle: Oh Jesus, I should have known!\nCartman: What we begin here, we will take worldwide, until the blood of every non-ginger child has been spilled! [more stomping and cheering]\nGary Nelson: You guys got everything you need in here? Need more coffee, buffet items?\nCartman: No, we're fine! Thank you!\nGary Nelson: How about lava? You got enough lava?\nCartman: Yes! We're good!\nGary Nelson: Okay. Hey, thanks for choosin' the Airport Hilton, guys.\nCartman: You're welcome, now leave us alone!! [Gary leaves and closes the door] Now! Let the extermination begin! [more stomping and cheering] We will start... with the daywalker!\nGingers: Daywalker! [The cage door opens and Kyle, handcuffed, is hauled out by two redheads and escorted to Cartman] Throw him in!\nKyle: Cartman! I need to tell you something!\nCartman: Go on then! Say your last words!\nKyle: Aah I think you'd rather hear this in private!\nCartman: Okay fine, let him speak! [the redheads let Kyle go, and Kyle falls on his face] Then we kill every non-ginger here! [Kyle gets up, walks over to Cartman, and whispers in his ear. Cartman's anger vanishes, then surprise appears] You... you what? [Kyle repeats himself. Cartman looks around a bit fearfully, then touches his face all over and grits his teeth]\nGinger Boy: Come on, let's fulfill the plan! All non-gingers must die!\nGingers: Yeah!\nCartman: [now hesitant] Right, the plan. Um... Oh. Oh, my God, you guys! Uh, I just realized something. [backpedals] We shouldn't be doing this. Ah I mean, look at us. [throws away his staff] What have we become?\nGingers: Huh? What?\nCartman: D-don't you see? If we go and exterminate everyone who isn't ginger, then we're no better than they were for thinking less of us. Maybe we all have to learn to live... together.\nGinger Boy 2: But... you just said everyone who isn't ginger must die.\nCartman: Right, but... but I've learned that we can't judge people based on what they look like.\nGinger Boy 2: But you just said they should all die fifteen seconds ago.\nCartman: See I know, I know, but I I get it now. We we've got to live and let live. [the gingers look at him, stunned]\nGinger Boy: [long beat, then] What did that kid in the green hat tell you?\nCartman: ... Huh?\nGinger Boy: That kid right there. What did he just tell you?\nCartman: Ss. Who? Oh him? Oh. No, that was just... Tha-that was about something else, totally unrelated.\nGinger Boy: You wanted to kill everyone who wasn't ginger, then that kid in the green hat told you something, and now you don't wanna do it all of a sudden. What did he tell you?\nCartman: No, he was just telling me about something funny that happened at school yesterday. Um, oh, but anyway, ohhh! Oh wow, I can't believe how great it feels to finally love my fellow man, huh? Isn't this great you guys? We sure have been throgh a lot! But in the end, we all learned it's best to get along. Hand in hand, we can live together. Ginger or not, we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause it's lame. Come on, guys! Hand in hand, we can live together.\nGingers: [unsure] Ginger or not, it's all the same.\nCartman: That's it! You've got it!\nCartman and the Gingers: Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together.\nCartman: Live together!\nGingers: We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.\nCartman: The same, you and I!\nGingers: Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame.\nKyle: You are such a manipulative asshole, Cartman.\nCartman: Yes, but I'm not going to die. [steps forth] That's why we gotta get along, people!\nGingers: Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.\nGingers: [as credits roll] Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day, a mini-mall. Komik Factory is shown. The boys walk out the front doors.\nKyle: Oh dude, check it out. I got a Jake Plummer.\nCartman: Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again!\nKyle: How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?\nStan: I can't spend any money. I'm saving up for that bike I want.\nCartman: HA! Saving money, duhhh! [turns left and walks. The others follow. Kenny moves the card in his left hand to his right hand]\nKyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday and we have to have as much fun as possible.\nCartman: Hey, I know! Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.\nKenny: (Hey yeah!)\nStan: [stops] No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys. [the others stop and he catches up] Let's just do something fun that's free.\nCartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars.\nKyle: Yeah dude, nothing fun is free.\nStan: Well I can't spend any money.\nCartman: Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag. [he, Kenny and Kyle walk off]\nKyle: Yeah. See ya. [Stan moves on down the sidewalk and passes a Scientology center. In front are a table with two people seated behind it, waiting for prospects]\nWoman: Hello, would you like to take a personality test? It's fun and it's free.\nStan: [stops, thinks, and looks] Excuse me?\nWoman: We're doing free personality tests today.\nStan: Uh what do I have to do?\nWoman: Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book, Dianetics. A lot of really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started. [leads him in and walks by one closed door after another] Let's just find an empty room here, lots of people getting free tests today. [finds an open door and looks in] Hey Brian.\nBrian: [seated at his desk, rises and walks to the door] Hey Kelly. How's it going?\nKelly: Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Stan.\nBrian: Hey there! How are you?\nStan: Fine.\nKelly: Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology.\nBrian: Good times, good times!\nStan: L-look, is this a religion? Because my family is like, Catholic or something.\nBrian: Ho, that's not a problem at all. Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion.\nStan: Then how come that sign says \"Church of Scientology\"?\nBrian: Oho, that's just this thing: What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two?\nStan: Seven and two.\nBrian: Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat; we're gonna have some fun! [he and Stam enter the room and he changes the sign on his door so it says \"Test In Progress.\" Inside, Brian and Stan take their seats] All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions. Just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, alright? [picks up a notepad and starts noting Stan's answers] Okay. Number 1: Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret?\nStan: Uhhh, sh-sure?\nBrian: Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them?\nStan: Yeah?\nBrian: Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it. [The wall clock reads 11:35, then 12:20, and the camera pans down to Brian and Stan.] Okay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?\nStan: Yes.\nBrian: Okay, Stan. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test.\nStan: So how did I do?\nBrian: Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but... you are one messed-up kid.\nStan: ...Huh??\nBrian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.\nStan: I am?? I didn't know that!\nBrian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again.\nStan: What what do I do?\nBrian: It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars.\nScene Description: Stan's house, dinnertime. Grandpa is still around, at the head of the table. Randy and Shelly are seated to Grandpa's right, Stan and Sharon are seated to Grandpa's left. Stan rests his head on his left arm.\nSharon: Stanley, you haven't touched your food. What's the matter with you?\nStan: I'm totally depressed.\nSharon: What? Why?\nStan: I don't know.\nSharon: Well how long have you been feeling this way?\nStan: I'm not sure. But... I need two hundred and forty dollars.\nRandy: Two hundred and forty dollars?! What'd you do, break something?!\nStan: No, I found a self-help program that can cure me.\nRandy: Oh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley.\nStan: But I'm completely miserable and these people can help!\nSharon: Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable.\nStan: Neither did I!\nRandy: Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?\nStan: Don't you care that I'm depressed?! What if I become suicidal, or, or become an alcoholic like Grandpa??\nMarvin: Huh?\nRandy: Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan, why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?!\nStan: [looking real sad] ...well but... but that's my money.\nRandy: Yeah, well just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your money. Do you want a bike, or do you not want to be depressed?\nScene Description: The Scientology Center, Sunday. Stan returns.\nKelly: Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing.\nMichelle: Oho good, you're going to be so happy.\nStan: I hope so.\nKelly: It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards.\nMichelle: Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars. [Stan pulls out the bills and hands them over to Michelle] Perfect! We're on our way! [puts the money in a secure drawer and escorts Stan...] Come on over here and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works. [...down a hallway] You see, Stan, Scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard. [a portrait of him is shown] Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called \"body thetans.\"\nStan: Really?\nMichelle: Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans. [stops by a picture of a portable blue machine with two cylindrical grips plugged into the back] This is called an E-meter. It's the main tool of Scientology. You just grab a hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life. I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.\nStan: Thetan levels...\nMichelle: Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works. [moments later they are in the auditing room. They walk by a row of booths, each with a tester and a testee] All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with E-meters to get rid of their negative emotions. [she reaches an empty booth and sits behind the controls as Stan takes his seat] All right, Stan, I want you to just relax and take hold of the E-meter handles. [Stan grabs them and draws them close]\nStan: So, this is gonna make me happy?\nMichelle: Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels. [Stan takes a deep breath and exhales, not quite sure why, then Michelle turns on the machine to take the reading. It reaches a 9.15] Huh, that's, that's strange.\nStan: What?\nMichelle: Somethin-, [soft giggle] something's wrong. Brian, could you come over here a second?\nBrian: [appears next to her] Yep- Oh hey there, Greg!\nStan: Stan.\nMichelle: Will you... look at his thetan levels?\nBrian: Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter - this one's obviously broken. Sorry about this, Greg.\nScene Description: The lobby. Mr. Mackey has entered to take his own personality test.\nRecruiter: And so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have an audit counseling for a nominal fee.\nMr. Mackey: Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay. [Brian comes out of the auditing room nervously]\nBrian: Mike, I need to talk to you!\nMike: Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back. [he and Brian go into the hallway] Are you all right? You're sweating!\nBrian: [shows him Stan's E-meter results] Take a look at this.\nMike: [looks] What is it?\nBrian: The E-meter results from the little boy in Room D\nMike: [leafing through the results] This... this can't be right. [scans faster]\nBrian: We ran the tests four times! We used four different E-meters!\nMike: Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The President has to see thus right away. Go! [slaps Brian across the back] Now! [Brian leaves]\nScene Description: L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Celebrity Center, day.\nWoman: The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir.\nMan: Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?? He registered OT9! I'm only OT7 and I've been in the church all my life!\nPresident: I've waited... forty-two years... for this day.\nMan: Sir?\nPresident: Don't you all see what this means? There was only one person who EVER registered OT9 in the history of our church. [looks at something. The others gather to look with him. They look at a framed portrait of L. Ron Hubbard] L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives. That when he died his thetan would show itself again. Our prophet has returned. [removes Stan's picture from the report and holds it up against the portrait.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen, night.\nSharon: Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed.\nStan: I took out the garbage yesterday.\nRandy: Right now, Stan!\nStan: Aagh! [hauls the garbage bag out of the garbage can and drags it across the living room] Stupid dumb garbage! [opens the front door and steps out.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, outside, night.\nMan 2: [offscreen] There he is! [Stan's anger changes to surprise]\nMan 3: Thank you for returning!\nMan 4: He's wonderful. [cries] He's wonderful.\nRandy: [the rest of the family joins Stan at the door] Stan! What the hell did you do?!\nStan: I don't know! [a Scientology helicopter lands on the lawn and some officials open the door for the church's president, who exits, walks over to Stan, and kneels down]\nPresident: Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology. It is... [with great emotion, bows his head] a great honor to meet you!\nScene Description: The Marsh living room. The officials and the family have entered.\nRandy: All right, what the hell is going on here?!\nPresident: We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh. He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet.\nSharon: Wwhat??\nPresident: Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming.\nRandy: Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?\nPresident: We're not asking him to join us, we're asking him... to lead us.\nShelly: Oh my God, it's John Travolta! [Sharon and Randy go to investigate]\nJohn Travolta: [using an odd voice as he makes his way through the crowd] Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is? Oh my god!\nPresident: Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists. Do you believe me nooow? [kneels next to Stan] Young man, I know you don't remember it,but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard. You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology.\nRandy: Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to your room and get ready for bed! Let Mommy and Daddy handle this. [Stan walks up the stairs, not sure what's going on]\nStan: [enters his room] Jesus Christ...\nCruise: [suddenly appears in his room] L. Ron? [runs up and kneels before Stan] L. Ron! It really is you! [puts his hands over his heart] Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!\nStan: Aw dude, I need to go to bed.\nCruise: Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise!\nStan: Yeah, I know who you are.\nCruise: Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which film did you like best?\nStan: Well-h. I mean, you're not... you're not like as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess.\nCruise: ...What?\nStan: I mean, you're not Gene Hackman or that guy who played Napoleon Dynamite, but you're okay.\nCruise: [buries his face in his hands] I'm nothing. [lifts his head again] I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! AAAH! [runs into Stan's closet and closes the door]\nStan: Hey! [walks over to the closet] Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.\nCruise: Go away!\nStan: Dude, this is my room!\nCruise: Go away, I said!\nStan: [walks out into the hall] Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!\nRandy: What?!\nStan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out. [Randy enters the room and tries to open the closet door, then knocks. Stan looks on]\nRandy: Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.\nCruise: No!\nRandy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.\nCruise: I'm never coming out!\nRandy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?\nStan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.\nRandy: Oh boy. [knocks on the door again] Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright? You need to come out.\nSharon: What's going on?\nRandy: Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.\nSharon: What??\nCruise: Just leave me alone!\nRandy: Well, we CAN'T leave you alone because YOU won't come out of the closet!\nScene Description: Channel 4 Network News - South Park Evening News.\nChris: It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet. Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.\nSergeant: Tom Cruise, this is Park County police! Please come out of the closet. [the house is shown] Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom. [someone takes a picture. The house is shown again] Nobody's gonna be mad, everything's gonna be all right. Just come out of the closet.\nChris: We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.\nR. Kelly: Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetI asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun!\nScene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. The church leaders talk to.\nPresident: Please, understand, we just want what is best for your son. The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies.\nRandy: Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?\nPresident: Yes. But he was also a prophet... who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.\nSharon: This is just too much.\nPresident: We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church. The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, your son deserves to be enlightened.\nRandy: Stan, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?\nStan: Sure.\nRandy: All right, go ahead and tell him.\nPresident: Would you excuse us, please? This is highly classified church information.\nRandy: Aw rats. [he and Sharon leave]\nPresident: Usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Stan. [leans in] Are you ready to hear the truth?\nStan: I, I guess.\nPresident: You see, Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed. [leans in] An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.\nXenu: Ho ho ho ho ho ho.\nPresident: Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, [Xenu gives his orders] and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets, [the roundup is shown] and then had those aliens frozen. [one by one, the aliens are frozen]\nXenu: [laughing over his plan] Wa ha ha ha!\nPresident: The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii. [a shot of the frozen aliens encased in ice being dropped from the orange cruisers] The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.\nXenu: Wa ha ha ha!\nPresident: Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky! [the soul-catchers are shown] The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth. [the souls are watching a movie screen with 3D glasses] There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material [Egyptian gods, Jesus carrying the Cross, and a bronze Buddha statue are shown] which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems. [Stan looks at the president, a bit awed] L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we're asking you to do... [hands Stan a pen and some paper] is pick up where he left off.\nStan: But I don't know any of this stuff.\nPresident: Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes, and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow.\nStan: Okay, I'll try. I just wish I could write in my room, but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.\nPresident: I know. We've sent Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help.\nScene Description: Stan's bedroom. The sergeant, a photographer, the Marshes, and a few other people wait by the bedroom door.\nNicole: [knocks on the closet door] Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.\nCruise: Ah hi Nicole.\nNicole: Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.\nCruise: ...I'm not, I'm not in the closet.\nNicole: Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this and come out. [silence] I'm not gonna think any differently of you. Katie's not gonna think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.\nCruise: I'm not in here, though.\nNicole: Yes, you are.\nCruise: I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.\nNicole: Then how am I talking to you, Tom? [silence] Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.\nCruise: I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.\nScene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. Stan is at the breakfast table writing and rewriting. Wads of paper litter the table.\nStan: [gets an idea] Yeah, yeah!\nKyle: Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies.\nStan: I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.\nKyle: Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into.\nStan: Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle. I've read all this stuff and it's based on fact.\nKyle: Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer. He lived on a boat with only young boys and got busted by the feds numerous times.\nStan: I did not! Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid because they don't know the secret truth.\nKyle: What secret truth??\nStan: I can't tell you unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling! All I know is that I was depressed before, and now I found meaning!\nKyle: I didn't know you were depressed.\nStan: Neither did I! But now, if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to, then I suppose we're no longer friends! [Kyle and Kenny leave]\nCartman: Stan, I just want you to know that I still hate Kyle more than you. [leaves]\nScene Description: Stan's house, later, outside shot. Upstairs, John Travolta has joined the effort to get Cruise out of the closet.\nTravolta: Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta.\nCruise: Oh hey John.\nTravolta: Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my God.\nCruise: L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.\nTravolta: Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context. Okay, 's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?\nCruise: Oh... Okay, but no tricks.\nTravolta: No tricks. [gives the group standing out in the hall a thumbs-up. The door opens and John goes into the closet.] Hey, it's really nice n here.\nCruise: Yeah, see?\nTravolta: I feel really safe. Oh my god.\nRandy: [knocks] Hello? [tries to force the door open] Hey, come out of there!\nScene Description: Stan's house, outside shot.\nChris: Tom, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to come out. Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly.\nR. Kelly: I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetThen John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too.Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet!But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!\nChris: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again.\nR. Kelly: \nScene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. The president of the church is reviewing Stan's work.\nPresident: Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan!\nStan: I wrote that um, our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.\nPresident: Yes, of course! So wonderful!\nStan: And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu was recently broken out of galactic jail.\nPresident: Yes, of course!\nStan: And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong.\nPresident: [his joy disappears] What?\nStan: I I realize that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help.\nPresident: [turns around] What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?!\nStan: ... Well, it's not about the money, it's about the message, right?\nPresident: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don't actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on!\nStan: But you said that there were-\nPresident: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!\nStan: But then, why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?\nPresident: Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars!\nStan: Three million dollars?\nPresident: That's how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you fucking get me now?! [leans in a bit]\nStan: Yeah. Yeah, I get you.\nPresident: Then keep writing, L. Ron! Your people are waiting.\nScene Description: Stan's house, outside. A news brief.\nChris: Breaking news here in South Park. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet. Park County police have decided to try a new method.\nScene Description: Stan's room. R. Kelly is there awaiting instructions. The police signal him towards the closet.\nR. Kelly: I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closetMan, this is some crazy shit. Why won't you both just come out the closet? And they said...\nCruise, Travolta: We're not comin' out the closet, so you can just go away.\nR. Kelly: But everyone wants you out the closet.\nCruise, Travolta: That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.\nR. Kelly: Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun!\nScene Description: Stan's house, the next day.\nPresident: My fellow Scientologists! Our prophet has finished his new doctrine, and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee. [the crowd cheers] I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard! [two officials bow and then spread roses before Stan's feet as he walks down a red carpet towards a marble stand with \"SCIENTOLOGY\" engraved along the front. Stan is dressed in toga and laurel. The crowd cheers wildly]\nStan: Uh, thanks. So, first of all, I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Nubanon.\nCrowd: Ohhhh.\nMan: Nubanon.\nStan: And uh, oh, [hopeful faces look back at him] ...I ...I can't do this.\nPresident: Huh, what?\nStan: Look, everybody, we're all looking for answer, you know. We all want to understand who we are and where we come from, but... sometimes we want to know the answers so badly that we... believe just about anything.\nMan 2: Huh?\nWoman: What?\nStan: [takes off his laurel] I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. And... Scientology is just a big fat global scam.\nBrian: Oh! We are gonna sue you!\nStan: What??\nPresident: Yeah, you think you can say our religion is a lie?! We'll sue you, buddy!\nStan: YOU told me it was a lie!\nPresident: Ho, now you're puttin' words in MY mouth! You are so sued!\nMan 3: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are gonna sue your ass AND your balls!\nCrowd: Yeah, that's right!\nPresident: How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?! You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!\nChris: We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly, have all come out of the closet! [The three of them come out the front door and Cruise releases R. Kelly, who moves off and out of view.]\nCruise: [approaches Stan] So you're NOT the prophet, huh?! You made me look stupid! I'm gonna sue you too!\nStan: Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!\nCruise: I will! I'll sue you in England!\nPresident: You are so sued, kid!\nStan: Well go on, then! Sue me!\nPresident: We're going to!\nStan: Okay, good! Do it! I'm not scared of you! Sue me!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: An aquarium at Sea Park, Denver, day. The aquarium is full of spectators in stadium seats looking on as a whale goes about its routine.\nBrian: And now, Jambu is going to going to give you all a big wave! [the whale rolls to the right and smacks one of its fins on the water, which splashes onto the audience. The crowd ooos and ahhs. A wave of water hits the boys, who are sitting in the front row.]\nCartman: I'm all wet! Sweet!\nKyle: Dude, Jambu is the best! [Jambu returns and takes a quick dive towards the bottom of its tank.]\nBrian: Now get ready for Jambu's next trick. [Jambu leaps up into the air, performs a somersault, and strikes the water with its fluke, again sending water onto the boys]\nCartman: Haha! I'm totally wet! This is awesome!!\nBrian: [shown as a brunet, with long sideburns] How about that, folks! A full body flip! And now, Kelly's gonna show us how she makes Jambu do his tricks. [a blonde woman in a wet suit steps forward, kneels down by the edge of the small dock she's on, and strikes the water three times with her hand] When Kelly slaps her hand three times, Jambu comes to her. Jambu will stay and wait until Kelly gives him a command. [she signals for him to go forward, and she dives in after him] Oh, what trick are we gonna see? Get those cameras ready! [Kelly dives and gets into position. Jambu circles the tank, then returns and pops up out of the water with Kelly on his nose. She then waves her arms signaling she's fine.] That's Kelly riding on Jambu's nose! [aside, to his partner Mike in the booth] I wish Kelly would ride on my nose. [they both laugh. Jambu drops a bit and Kelly dives off his nose. Jambu splashes the crown once more.]\nCartman: Yes! Yeehehehes! [Jambu returns with Kelly on his nose as if she were a hood ornament]\nBrian: We hope you enjoyed Jambu's orca show, and enjoy the rest of your day at Denver's Sea Park! [clicks off his mic] You bunch of retards. [Mike laughs. Everyone begins to clear the small stadium]\nStan: [reading the park map] Okay, where to next?\nCartman: I think there's a sea lion show at 2:30.\nKyle: Let's just stay here and watch the whale swim around some more.\nCartman: Why?\nKyle: Dude, everyone's leaving! We can walk right up to the tank and really study him.\nCartman: Kyle, the show is over! The whale isn't gonna splash us any more, so who cares?\nStan: Let's go see the stingrays, and then we can go to the sea lion show.\nCartman: Killer. [the boys turn and leave]\nKyle: I'll meet up with you guys in a little bit. I-I wanna hang out here some more.\nCartman: Okay, Kyle. We're gonna get splashed some more, but if you wanna go make love to the whale, that's fine. [turns to catch up with Stan and Kenny. Kyle walks around the tank]\nKyle: Jambu? Jambu? [taps the glass wall four times. Jambu dives and floats up facing Kyle] Cool! It worked! Hey, Jambu.\nJambu: Hello, little boy. [Stan is awed that the whale could talk] You like my flippers?\nKyle: [a little scared, looks around] Who said that?\nJambu: I did.\nKyle: No way!\nJambu: This is very exciting! Usually when I talk, nobody can hear me. Where are you from?\nKyle: [timidly] South Park.\nJambu: It sure is nice to have somebody to talk to. Can't we talk more? Please?\nKyle: What do you wanna talk about?\nJambu: Let's talk about rocket ships.\nKyle: Rocket ships?\nJambu: [it's actually Brian, still in his booth] Yeah. I love rockets, but I can't see them 'cause I'm stuck in this tank. [he and Mike both laugh, then he shushes Mike and returns to the mic]. You know, someday, I wish that I could go up in space in a rocket ship.\nKyle: Why? Aren't you happy here?\nJambu: I try to be, but my wish is to one day blast off in a big rocket ship!\nKyle: This is amazing! But wait right here. I've gotta go tell my friends about this! [the two men in the booth are laughing their asses off]\nJambu: Oh God, it's funny every single time. [Mike continues laughing]\nScene Description: At another exhibit in the park.\nStingray Announcer: And for those of you just joining us, this is the stingray tank. Stingrays are members of the shark family, but they're extremely peaceful creatures. We invite you to gently touch the top of them as they swim by.\nCartman: [slapping the water as a stingray approaches] Heh! Come on, stingray! [it speeds away. Another one approaches] Splash me! Ha! Hey, splash me! [it speeds away as well] Dude, these things are dumb. Let's go!\nKyle: [running up to the other boys] Hey you guys! You guys are not gonna believe this!\nStan: What?\nKyle: Dude, he talks! The orca whale talks!\nKenny: (What the fuck are you talking about?)\nKyle: I went up to Jambu's tank and I tapped three times like the trainer did. Jambu swam up and started talking to me about rocket ships! Come on! You gotta check it out! [runs back towards Jambu's exhibit, grinning]\nScene Description: Jambu's exhibit, Orca Ocean.\nKyle: Jambu! Jambu, I'm back! [hits the wall four times, and Jambu swims around, stopping in front of Kyle again] How are you feeling? [no reply. A few seconds later...] Huhm. Jambu, you wanna talk about rocket ships? [Brian is playing a video game, Mike is reading a book - Mother Trucker.] Ja- Jambu? Are you still feelin' lonely here?\nCartman: Kyle, Kyle. Let it go, man.\nKyle: He talked! I swear to Abraham he talked, and he loves rocket ships!\nMike: [noticing the commotion] Dude, he's back, he's back! [the two men get ready]\nKyle: Goddammit, say something!\nCartman: Come on, guys, let's leave Kyle with his stupid whale.\nJambu: [Cartman stops in his tracks] Please don't call me stupid.\nKyle: Jambu! Jambu, why didn't you speak up before?\nJambu: I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't talk. It's because I'm very very sick, you see.\nKyle: Sick?\nStan: I don't believe it.\nJambu: Yes, because I'm not used to the earth atmosphere. You see, my name is actually Willzy-x, and I'm from the moon! [Brian clicks off his mic, Mike laughs, and they both crack up]\nMike: The moon?\nJambu: The... that's where all orca whales are from. If I don't get back to the moon, I'm going to die.\nCartman: You live on the moon?\nJambu: I used to. I wish I could return and dance in the moon castle with my wife and three children again.\nKyle: Oh my God...\nStan: Why don't you just tell the people here at the sea park?\nJambu: I can't tell them, because they're evil communists from the Horsehead Nebula. They want to kill all us zypods, so they keep us in these horrible tanks and make us perform.\nKyle: That's terrible!\nMike: Dude, dude, the boss is coming!\nJambu: Uh, uh, sorry boys, I can't talk anymore. I'm too sick. [coughs] Can't. Talk. Any. More. [coughs. The boys stand there, stunned]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, basement.\nKyle: Alright guys, listen up! This may sound a little strange, but, the whale, at the Denver Sea Park, is going to die, unless we get it to the moon,\nButters: Well okay! Let's do it!\nKyle: The whale's name is Willzy-x, and he told us he's dying on our planet. We've come up wth a plan, but we're gonna need all of your help to make it work.\nClyde: ...A whale. Talked to you.\nStan: It's true. The whale talked to all of us. In between shows at his orca tank.\nCraig: Hey, that whale talked to me too. After everyone left the show I walked up to the glass and he started talking.\nKyle: Weh-well, why didn't you tell anybody?\nCraig: Well I thought I was crazy. He said my dad was gonna sneak into my room naked one night and beat me up.\nKyle: Well you're NOT crazy. The whale talked to all of us. And he needs our help getting him home.\nCraig: ...So it's true.\nKyle: Nobody else is going to help him, you guys. We've got a chance to do something pretty special here. Are you with us?\nToken: ...What do we do?\nKyle: Stan? [Stan rises and approaches the easel]\nStan: All right. In order to make our plan work, we're going to need the pool from Clyde's back yard, Timmy's wheelchair, the Russian government, and all of our skateboards.\nScene Description: Denver Sea Park, night. The boys arrive at the park. A security guard whistles as he patrols the grounds. Behind him a wheelchair is heard. He pulls out a flashlight and swings it around to highlight everywhere he looks. Timmy and the gang roll by quietly, the pool riding on the skateboards.\nTimmy: [softly] Timmihhhhh... [The guard looks back just after they pass by, so he just missed them. The boys reach Jambu's tank]\nStan: Craig, Token, get the slings ready. [Cartman, Clyde, and a third boy position a ladder into place. Jambu swims over to see what's happening.]\nKyle: Shhh. Willzy-x, don't say anything. We're gonna bust you out of here.\nScene Description: Denver Sea Park, morning. Brian and Mike arrive at work.\nBrian: Dude, did you see that episode of Trading Spouses last night? That was insane. Yeah, well ha- whoa. What the hell? [people mill around by Jambu's tank. Police officers move about. The park's owner talks to the guard]\nOwner: How could you not have seen anything?? It's a whale, for Christ's sake!\nGuard: It must have been taken while I was going to the bathroom.\nOwner: Were you in there for three hours?!\nGuard: [hurt, turns away and shields himself] Don't yell at me! [Brianand Mike arrive from the booth]\nBrian: What happened?\nKelly: Somebody kidnapped Jambu, took him right out of the park.\nMike: What? How?\nGuard: [raises his head up long enough to say] I DON'T KNOW!\nSergeant: All right, people, it's obvious we're dealing with a highly intelligent animal-rights group. Those bastards have done stuff like this before.\nNelson: Sir! Sir, we've found a note!\nOwner: A note? Let me see that. [reads the note] We're taking Willzy-x home to the moon. Long live the zypods! [the duo instantly realize who stole Jambu] What the hell does that mean?\nSergeant: Harris, run a fingerprint on that note! [hands the note to Harris] Nelson! Find out what kind of crayon it was written with. [Nelson leaves] We'll find out who was responsible for this! [the duo know the jig is up]\nScene Description: The Orca Ocean booth. The duo are inside. Brian paces the floor.\nMike: We have to tell them! We know what those boys look like!\nBrian: We can't tell them, then they're, they're gonna think this is all our fault\nMike: It IS all our fault!\nBrian: How were we supposed to know that they were gonna actually do it?!\nMike: I shouldn't have laughed. All those times we've messed with those kids' heads, I shouldn't have just sat there and laughed.\nBrian: [grabs him by the arms] Don't you say that! It was funny! It was really funny! We've just... [lets him go] we've just gotta make this right ourselves.\nMike: How?\nBrian: We've gotta track down those kids. Before the police do!\nScene Description: Moscow, day, the Kremlin. Inside, Putin and members of his staff meet in a boardroom.\nPutin: Comrades, I'm afraid our situation is dire. The economy is stale and I... Very soon, Mother Russia... will no longer be a country.\nAide: Sir! Sir, somebody is on telephone! Another rich American wants to fly into space! [silence, then everyone rushes into Putin's office]\nPutin: Hello? Hello, this is Russian President.\nKyle: Hi. My name's Kyle. Uh, I understand that your country flies people into space for money.\nPutin: Yes, we certainly do! [holds his left thumb up for the others to see] What were you looking for?\nKyle: I need to book one trip to the moon, please. Right away.\nPutin: The moon. That is quite large trip, but I'm sure we can do it!\nKyle: You can? Awesome!\nPutin: It sounds like we're in business! We will just need, say, twenty million dollars?\nKyle: [lowers the phone with some disbelief] Twenty... million? [raises the phone to his ear again] Are you nuts? We don't have that kind of money.\nPutin: ...What?\nKyle: But you need to understand: we have a whale here that needs to get back to his family on the moon.\nPutin: Goddamnit it is prank call again! [his staff leaves] Kiss my ass, George Bush! This is not funny! [slams the phone onto the base]\nStan: What happened?\nKyle: They want twenty million dollars.\nCartman: Twenty million? Just to go to the dumb moon?\nCraig: That was it? That was you guys' whole plan? Ask the Russians to take the whale to space?\nStan: They were going to do it for that 'N Sync guy.\nTweek: Oh, Jesus, now what are we gonna do?!\nKyle: All right, look, there's gotta be other Third-World countries with space programs. We've gotta split up and find someplace cheaper, that's all.\nClyde: Well we can't keep the whale out here anymore, people are gonna see it!\nScene Description: Channel 4 News Break.\nAnchor Tom: A beloved performing orca whale has been stolen from the Denver Sea Park. A full investigation is underway, but tracking down the kidnappers is proving to be one WHALE of a problem.\nField reporter: Thanks, Tom, I'm here at the Denver Sea Park where, believe it or not, dozens of people have come to show support for whoever took the whale. [a crowd of protesters begin to chant]\nALF leader: That's right. We are members of the Animal Liberation Front! Whales do not belong in tanks, they belong in the ocean! We applaud whoever did this noble deed! Set the whales free!\nProtesters: Set the whales free!\nField reporter: One thing for certain: something is certainly FISHY here at the Sea Park. Tom?\nAnchor Tom: Thank, Mitch. It seems that this problem is almost un-BEAR-able. [no one says a word] Let's hope that whale is found.\nScene Description: Brian and Mike arrive in South Park in a truck with a tank-trailer.\nMike: This is so bad, man. How do we even know this is the right town to look in??\nBrian: Will you relax? Those kids said they were from South Park. We've just gotta go door to door. Do you have the composite sketch we did?\nMike: [holds up a sheet of paper] Yeah.\nBrian: Let's go! [they exit the truck and face the houses on one side of the street]\nMike: Maybe you should start with the houses on the left, a-and I'll take the-\nBrian: [stops him] Wait a minute. Check that out! [before them is a big pool in a backyard. The fence, which normally blocks off the view from the street, is destroyed, and tracks go through the gap all the way to the pool] Come on! [they move towards the pool and walk up the steps. Brian grabs some crap floating on the surface and shows it to Mike] Oh my good, look!\nMike: Whale poo.\nBrian: We're close. We're really close!\nMrs. Donovan: [the sliding door opens] Can I help you?\nBrian: [drops the poo quickly and turns to face her] Oh... h-hello ma'am. We're just here to examine your pool.\nMrs. Donovan: Oh.\nMike: Have you noticed any whales in your pool at all?\nMrs. Donovan: No, I don't believe so. But we've been out of town for a couple of days and came back to find the fence broken. Do you think somebody's been using it?\nBrian: Ma'am, do you recognize any of these boys? [Mike hands her the sketch. She takes it and studies it]\nMrs. Donovan: The fat one in the middle... kinda looks like Dakota Fanning. Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to get back to the oven. [hands the sketch back to the Mike]\nMike: [turns around, getting exasperated] We're too late. They've moved on to another town!\nBrian: We don't know that!\nMike: If they've moved on, then we have no leads! This is fate, Brian! It's fate! For telling the kids their naked dads were gonna beat them up! For thinking that screwing with kids was funny!\nBrian: [grabs his Mike and shakes him] It WAS funny!! It was funny, Bob! And it will be funny again, I swear to you! If those boys took the whale out of here, we would have seen them on the road! I'm telling you, we're close. It's going to be funny!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. His parents are at his bedroom door with Ike.\nSheila: [knocks three times] Kyle bubbe, we're taking Ike to the new Harry Potter movie. Wanna join us?\nKyle: I can't, Mom. We're working on our school project.\nSheila: All right. Well, there's pizza in the fridge if you and your friends get hungry. [Gerald goes down the stairs with Ike as she speaks, then she turns away and goes down the stairs]\nKyle: Okay ma, thanks! [behind him is Jambu, and the other boys are keeping him moist]\nButters: Shouldn't we get him back in the water?\nClyde: Whales are mammals; they don't need water to breathe, dumb-ass.\nCartman: Yeah, we just have to keep him wet.\nKyle: Yes, yes, hello? Is this Mr. Su-gi-yama with the Japanese space program? [waits for the answer] How much to take a whale into space? [waits for the answer] Nu-no, we don't want you to eat the whale, we want you to send it to the moon. How much? Jesus Christ! Uh hang on. [puts Mr. Sugiyama on hold as he answers another call] Hello? Jimmy, any luck at the Chinese Embassy?\nJimmy: [with Timmy and Tweek] The Ch-Chinese will take someone to space for t-t-ten million dollars.\nKyle: Ten million?? Well that's more than the Germans want!\nJimmy: Yeah. We told them that, a-and they told us to go f-fruck ourselves.\nKyle: Damnit! [hangs up without returning to Mr. Sugiyama] Tell me what to do, Willzy-x! How do we get you home??\nCartman: He hasn't said a word since we brought him here.\nKyle: Yeah... He must be really sick. [walks up to the whale and strokes him] Hang on Willzy-x. There's still hope. Stan and Craig might still luck with the space program down in Mexico.\nClyde: Mexico has a space program?\nScene Description: Mexico. A view of the coast is first seen. Then, in a downtown area, a bus lets Stan and Craig out and leaves. Stan follows the directions on a map, and eventually end up in front of Jose's Ceramica Y Fuentes. A man is sitting by the entrance next to a fountain.\nStan: Uh, excuse me, we're looking for the Mexican... [enunciates] Aeronautica y Spacia Administra-tio-n?\nMan: Allí. (\"There\") [points down the road]\nStan: Thanks. [they leave and arrive at MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración]\nScene Description: MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración. Within the chain link fence, there are a few buildings, along with abandoned appliances, oil barrels and a gass pump and several men either standing or sitting around and relaxing. One man, Mannuel, is by the entrance and appears to be cleaning a rocket part as Stan and Craig appear.\nStan: Is this the Mexican space program? [again, neglected beauty, and the place looks quite primitive for a space administration, straight out of the 1950s.]\nMannuel: Space, sí (\"Yes\"). Fly [Gestures flying upward with his left hand].\nStan: Does the Mexican space programs have rockets that can go to the moon?\nMannuel: Claro. Sígueme. (\"Sure. Follow me\") [sets down the part he was cleaning and goes inside the complex. The boys follow him]\nScene Description: MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración. Inner complex. Along with more garbage and abandoned cars, there are three rockets lined up to be launched. The rockets are near a boat dock.\nMannuel: De rocket lunar? (\"The space rocket?\")\nStan: This rocket will fly to the moon?\nMannuel: Sí (\"Yes\"). Fly [Gestures flying upward with his left hand].\nStan: To the moon?\nMannuel: Sí.\nStan: [enunciates] We want to take something to the moon. How much would that cost?\nMan 2: O-ah... Two hundred.\nStan: Two hundred? Million?\nMan 2: Two hundred... dollars.\nStan: [to Craig] Quick, call Kyle.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Sheila is cleaning a lamp table next to the sofa when the doorbell rings. She goes to answer it.\nBrian: Eh hello ma'am, uh, the teacher at the school said she recognized this boy to be your son? [Sheila takes the composite sketch and looks at Kyle's image]\nSheila: Oh yes, that's my bubbe. Kind of a bad drawing though.\nBrian: Ma'am, we need to talk to your son, please! It's very urgent!\nSheila: I'm sorry, he just left. He's on his way to Mexico.\nBoth men: Mexico??\nSheila: Yehhs. As part of a school project, he's helping his class to move two donated grand pianos to needy school children in Tijuana. My little bubbe is very caring.\nMike: Oh my God.\nBrian: Which highway did they take??\nScene Description: On the highway during the day, a truck zips along. Kenny, Clyde, Cartman, and Butters ride in the cab with the driver, Kyle is in the trailer with Willzy-x, keeping him moist with damp clothes.\nCartman: Hurry it up, dude, we have a rocket to catch.\nKyle: Hang on, Willzy-x. Hang on, buddy.\nScene Description: The highway, night. The truck keeps rolling.\nCartman: We have to hurry!\nDriver: I'm going as fast as I can.\nKyle: Hang on, Willzy-x. We'll in Mexico soon!.\nButters: Oh hamburgers! What is that?? [The Denver Sea Park truck appears before them and blocks their way, so the driver stops. Brian steps out of the Sea Park truck. Mike joins him and they both stand before the Moovit truck until it stops, then they move to the driver's side door]\nBrian: All right, out of the truck!\nCartman: Uh oh.\nDriver: What the hell is goin' on?!\nBrian: You're carrying a stolen whale!\nDriver: Stolen? You kids told me you won that whale at Pizza Hut!\nClyde: We're busted. [Brian and Mike roll up the trailer and Kyle looks]\nKyle: Huh?\nBrian: Come on out, kid. [the four other boys walk around Brian and stop]\nDriver: Look, I didn't know nothin' about this.\nBrian: Just help us get the whale into our truck and we'll all keep quiet about this.\nKyle: You don't understand! Willzy-x is from the moon! He'll die if we don't get him back, now! Willzy-x, you have to talk! Come on boy, you have to! I know you're sick, but you could do it!\nMike: Look, kid, we need to tell you a little secret. [a bright light comes on and a police siren sounds. They all turn to see who it is. Two motorcycle cops get off their bikes.]\nCop 1: What's goin' on here??\nBrian: Aw crap.\nButters: Oh, now we're gonna get it.\nCop 1: Hey... That's the stolen whale!\nCop 2: Everyone down on the ground. Now!\nKyle: No! Please, we have to go!\nCop 2: You're not goin' anywhere! You're in a lot of trouble! [the first cop starts making arrests]\nKyle: But... we were so close... I'm sorry, Willzy-x. We tried.\nCop 1: We said down on the ground, kid. Move it! [three gunshots come out of nowhere, and everyone turns to see whom it could be now.]\nALF leader: Leave those kids alone, you bastards! Animal Liberation Front! [the ALF members growl]\nCop 1: Put down that weapon, now!\nALF leader: These boys are trying to get that whale home! You're not gonna stop them!\nKyle: All right!!\nThe Other Boys: Yes! Wow!\nCop 2: That whale belongs to a sea park!\nKyle: It belongs with its family!\nALF member: That's right!\nCop 1: I said drop the gun NOW!\nALF leader: Save the whale! [fires her gun and charges. The other ALF members charge and fire as well. Cop 2 is hit and falls. Cop 1 fires back. The boys hide behind the Moovit! truck]\nMike: Jesus, Oh God! [he's soon riddled with bullet holes and falls over]\nALF member: Save the whales, motherfucker!\nALF leader: [fires a few more rounds over the boys' heads as she positions herself behind them] Where are you taking the whale?\nKyle: Tijuana, Mexico!\nALF leader: Of course. Brilliant! Release it in international waters. I'll drive the truck. [she and the boys get into the cab, Kyle stays in the trailer with the whale]\nKyle: You're going home, Willzy-x! [the truck drives away, and Brian crawls over to Mike]\nBrian: Mike? Mike??\nMike: [still has enough life in him to cough and say] It... wasn't... funny...\nBrian: Don't say that, Mike. It was funny. It just wasn't that funny this time. [Mike's head drops] All the other times were still funny, Mike! They were still funny!!\nCop 1: [crawls to his bike and grabs a radio] Forty-five to dispatch... Stolen whale... heading to Tijuana... Whaaale to Tijuana!! [falls]\nScene Description: MASA, night. Workers get the rocket to the moon ready. They connect chains to the body.\nWorker 1: Conecte la segunda cadena. [\"Connect the second chain.\"]\nWorker 2: No sé si va a llegar. [\"I don't know if it'll reach.\"]\nStan: They're on their way, Manuel. Is the rocket gonna be ready?\nManuel: \nScene Description: The highway, night. The Moovit! truck is now accompanied by an ALF van.\nButters: Look! The Mexican border!\nClyde: Oh Jesus, they're here!\nScene Description: U.S. Customs / Mexico Boarder Checkpoint. The sign reveals that they are in Arizona and about to enter into Mexico. The Park County cops are blocking the checkpoint and have their guns pointed.\nSergeant: Hold your positions! [a police helicopter comes down. The owner of the sea park and the orca trainers step down from it, along with the security guard]\nOwner: Aha! We've got them!\nALF leader: Hang on, boys.\nOwner: Mary Mother of God! [the Moovit! truck barrels through the helicopter and blockade. Everyone in the way jumps out of the way. The Moovit! truck is now in Mexico]\nSergeant: [lying face down, points at the truck] Get them!\nScene Description: MASA, later. The Moovit! truck rolls in.\nKyle: Willzy-x, I think we're here.\nStan: [to the ALF leader] Back down the ramp! It's all rigged to go!\nALF leader: You got it, kid! [makes a quick right, then backs up left and towards the end of the dock]\nOwner: [arriving at MASA with the guard and trainers] Don't let them get that whale in the water! [Kyle rolls open the trailer door]\nStan: Kyle, it's all set to go! [the ALF van rolls in] Just get Willzy-x into the water! [some ALF officers emerge from the van.]\nKyle: Come on, guys! [Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Butters, and Cartman show up. Clyde and Kenny jump up and pull the ramp down]\nOwner: [starts to run in with the guard and trainers] Stop right now!\nALF leader: Hurry, boys! We'll take care of them! [The zoo personnel and the ALF face off, with the ALF landing the first blows. Kelly goes down like a statue. At the dock, the boys struggle to move Willzy-x into the water]\nKyle: Hang on. [looks around] Hold on a second. [steps down into the water and addresses Willzy-x] I gues... I... guess... this is... goodbye, Willzy-x. [the whale opens his mouth. Kyle begins to tear up] I'm gonna miss you. [Butters and Clyde tear up and look at each other] Hey, don't forget me, okay? I won't forget you. [sniffs a bit, then pets the whale.]\nCartman: Oh crap! There's more of them! [police cruisers pour in and officers pour out of them]\nKyle: Get him in the water! [the boys pull Willzy-x once more, with a mighty pull] Goodbye, Willzy-x! [the whale takes to the water and the ALF cheers a job well done]\nALF leader: Swim, mighty whale! You're free!\nStan: Okay, Manuel, hit it. [Manuel presses the launch button]\nOwner: [advances with the guard and police] Stop! That is my whale!\nALF leader: I'm afraid you're too late! The whale's been set free.\nOwner: No!\nALF leader: Now you see that your ways of captivity and exploiting animals will never prevail. [behind her, a rocket rises into launch position] Not as long as there are children like these who still believe in the beauty and magic of freedom. [The park owner, guard, police, and now FBI gawk at her, or at the rocket behind her.] For it is children, with their innocence and their spirit, who know what is truly best for all the world.\nScene Description: the rocket is now in position. The rocket powers up and now she hears it. She and the ALF turn to see the rocket rise out of its base. Behind it are the chains, attached to a sling below water holding Willzy-x. The chains tighten and lift Willzy-x up and away. The boys grin big.\nALF leader: Oh my God!\nKyle: We did it!\nScene Description: the boys cheer, congratulate each other, and dance. The Mexican launch crew does so as well. A mariachi band appears out of nowhere for the celebration and plays the Mexican anthem. On the US side of the border, Brian looks up to see the rocket rise into space with Willzy-x trailing along in the sling. He laughs weakly.\nScene Description: South Park, night. Manuel has driven the boys back to town in the Moovit! truck and lets them off in their neighborhood.\nStan: Thanks for the ride, Manuel.\nManuel: Sí, bye. [closes the door and drives off]\nButters: Well, see ya, fellas. Uh I've gotta get home before my parents wake up.\nClyde: Yeah, me too. [Craig goes off as well]\nKyle: All right. Thanks for your help, dudes. [the boys walk towards Kyle's house, but Kyle stops] Well, we did it, guys. It wasn't easy, but... we did a really amazing thing.\nCartman: Yeah, I feel pretty awesome right now. [Stan looks at the sky and steps forward. The other boys join him. Before them, up in the sky, is the full moon, bright and nicely detailed]\nStan: I wonder... if he'll ever come back and visit us.\nKyle: I don't know, but at least from now on, every time we look at the moon, we can know that Willzy-x is up there, dancing with the other zypods in his castle.\nScene Description: A shot of the moon, with the Earth in the distance. On the ground lies Willzy-x, motionless."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Ichi Ban Karate, day. The boys are in a karate class geared towards kids. Their fathers sit behind the instructor, keeping themselves busy as the kids take lessons.\nClass: Ichi!\nInstructor: Ichi!\nClass: Ichi!\nInstructor: Ichi!\nClass: Ichi!\nInstructor: Ichi!\nClass: Ichi!\nInstructor: Ichi!\nClass: Ichi!\nCartman: Ichi banzai\nInstructor: Ichi!\nCartman: Ichi banzai! Kya!\nInstructor: Karutamane-san! What are you doing?!\nCartman: I'm doing some sweet bun-sow moves. [an aside] I'm a little better than everyone else here.\nInstructor: Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine!\nCartman: Nah-uh, I don't raku disciprine!\nInstructor: Mina-san! You all needu more disciprine! [softens his tone] True disciprine... come from within. We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday. [he dismisses the class in Japanese, they answer back]\nKyle: [to Stan] Dude, we've gotta hurry home! The final episode of Lost is on soon. [Cartman and Ike join them. Cartman is wearing a WWII-era Japanese flag as a head band]\nCartman: Yeah, let's go.\nStan: [looks around] Wait. Where's my Dad?\nKyle: He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?\nStan: Yeah.\nScene Description: Outside Ichi Ban Karate. The boys are last out of the class.\nStan: Dad? Where the hell could he have gone??\nRandy: [waddles in from Stan's right drunk, carrying two bottles of beer] Oh hey, sorry boys.\nMale Voice: Later Randy.\nRandy: [turns to look at the source] Hey, see you Nelson.\nStan: Dad, weren't you watching?\nRandy: Well, I ran into Nelson from work. We were at the bar watching the game. Two-dollar margaritas! It was great. All right, come on, I'll drive you guys home. [waddles onto a parking space on his way to the driver door]\nKyle: Are you sure you're all right?\nRandy: Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I got some beers to keep my buzz going.\nScene Description: On the road. Randy chugs more beer as he drives the boys back home. Ike, Cartman, and Kyle sit in the back seat. Stan watches as Randy finishes one bottle, tosses it to the floor, opens another one, and starts chugging.\nStan: Dad, aren't you supposed to like, not drink and drive?\nRandy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking. Right, boys?\nCartman: Sure, whatever dude.\nRandy: ...Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.\nStan: Why not just pull over?\nRandy: Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man! Now give me that bottle! [Stan picks up a bottle and hands it to him] There's a [Zip. Stan's jaw drops] reason why God made our penises like little hoses, boys. Hold the wheel, Stan. [Stan reaches over and holds it in place] When you boys start driving, you're gonna need to learn to do this too. Woahp! [swerves to avoid what turns out to be a police car]\nStan: Dad, we're gonna crash!\nRandy: Shh! Trying to concentrate! [the cruiser revs up, its lights turn on, and it begins to follow the car. Kyle looks to see what the cop will do] Just hold the damn wheel! [the sound of urine pouring into an empty bottle is heard]\nKyle: Dude, I think you're being followed. [turns around. Cartman then turns around to look]\nRandy: Oh yeah? [instinctively displays his middle finger] Get off my ass, dickhole!\nCartman: [turns around] No, dude, it's the police. [the sirens are heard]\nRandy: Aww crap! [pulls over. The cruiser does as well] Here, hold this! [gives Stan the warm bottle of urine, looks around, and zips up his fly.]\nStan: Aww, it's all warm!\nRandy: Everybody just stay calm! I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [sticks some gum into his mouth and starts chewing. The cop taps on his window. Randy lowers the window.]\nOfficer: License and registration, please.\nRandy: What seems to be the officer, problem?\nOfficer: [studies the situation, then] ...Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?\nRandy: Okay. [steps out of the car and straggles a few steps]\nOfficer: Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test.\nRandy: Okay, no problem. Easy.\nOfficer: Stand over here, please? [moves him a few steps] Right there. All right, now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides... [Randy stands there for a moment, then raises his arms out]\nRandy: Ooof. There! I did it, see?! No problem!\nOfficer: And now touch your finger to your nose.\nRandy: Do what??\nOfficer: Touch your finger to your nose.\nRandy: Wull come on, that's impossible!\nOfficer: Just bring one hand to your nose, like this. [demonstrates.]\nRandy: Okay... Okay, hang on... Okay... [begins to make the attempt and wobbles] Okay, hang, ha-, ...hang on... Hol-! Hold on. [turns around and his pants begin falling around his legs] Wa-hang on, hang on. [Cartman and Kyle are watching, Stan can't bear to look]\nCartman: Dude, what the hell is he doing?\nKyle: I think his pants are falling down.\nScene Description: moments later, Randy is arrested and placed in the back seat of the cruiser.\nRandy: What? What did I do?! [the officer closes the door] What did I do?!\nScene Description: South Park police station. Officers go about their business as Randy is brought in. Randy is now taking a breathalyzer test.\nOfficer: Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing. [Randy vomits onto the floor all of a sudden] Aw Jesus!\nScene Description: South Park police station, waiting area.\nStan: [still not looking] This is sooo embarrassing.\nCartman: You know, Stan, I'd say your dad racksa disciprine!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, classroom. The kids are in class before the school bell rings, chatting.\nKyle: You know, I didn't even get home until 2:30.\nCartman: Man, that was such a bummer.\nStan: Look, guys, about last night, can you just be quiet about it?\nCartman: Why?\nStan: Because, I don't want everyone knowing, okay? Could we please just keep this to ourselves?\nCartman: All right, Stan. Sure. [the school bell rings and Mrs. Garrison enters with her books, setting them on her desk]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. [the kids take their seats] Today we will be continuing our study of economics. But first, we're going to hear from a motivational speaker. The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all about the dangers of drunk driving. Please welcome Stan's dad. [a sober Randy walks in slowly and looks down]\nStan: Oh Jesus. [puts his hands over his eyes. Mrs. Garrison sits at her chair]\nRandy: Well uh, I'm, s'posed to tell you kids about how bad drinking is, um... I'd-did a little drinking and driving. As part of my punishment I'm... doing community service work at schools like these.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh that's very interesting, isn't it, kids? [the kids stay silent, Stan buries his face in his desk]\nRandy: Uh, you you shouldn't drink, because it leads to uh bad things. I was in jail for the night and well I guess I donno, I... Just don't drink but,... if you must drink, d-definitely don't drive. I've... definitely learned that firsthand, and uh, uuh, that's all, I guess.\nMrs. Garrison: ...Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class? If you don't make the right choices in life, you could end up being a big loser like Stan's dad. [the kids stay silent, Stan keeps his face buried] Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they? [another shot of the class] I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad and say, \"Is that who I want to be in thirty years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?\" Thank you Mr. Marsh, I think you made your point. [Randy turns away and walks out of the class]\nScene Description: Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. A 12-step program is on the wall behind the speaker.\nAA Speaker: Hello again everyone, my name is Michael, and, I'm an alcoholic.\nGroup: [all wave] Hi, Michael.\nMichael: As most of you know I once lost my job and my family because of my drinking. But with the help of AA I've been sober for ten years now. [the group claps] Anyone have anything they wanna tell the groups, for starters?\nMan 1: [stands up] My name's Bill, and Im an alcoholic.\nGroup: Hi Bill.\nRandy: [subdued] Hi Bill.\nBill: I've been using the 12-step program for about two months now and, and I'm really turning my life around. No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for THIS cowboy! [the group claps. Bill sits down]\nMichael: That's great. And I understand this is somebody's first AA meeting, is that right? [Randy points to himself]</> Y-yes, you sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself.\nRandy: [rises] Um, my name's Randy, and... I just, really like beer.\nMan 2: You have to admit you're an alcoholic.\nRandy: [slowly] But, I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic.\nBig woman: Then why are you here?\nRandy: Because I got a DUI and so I'm required to attend AA meetings for two weeks. I was stupid one night and drank too much and then drove a car. That was dumb and I'm not gonna do it again.\nMichael: Randy, you are powerless to make that decision. The only thing that works is the 12-step program. [points out the 12 steps] Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless to control your drinking. Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps, like, believing that only a higher power, God, makes you stop drinking. And then, turning your life over to that God and, humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses.\nRandy: What wait wait, hold on. I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing.\nMichael: Well it's not religious. You just have to admit that there is some kind of god which has power over you and turn your life over to that god and ask him for forgiveness. That's the 12-step program, not religion.\nRandy: Look, I, I really just need to cut down on my drinking and never drive the car drunk again.\nMichael: [approaches Randy] You just can't cut down on your drinking, Randy. You need to know something. You have a disease.\nRandy: Uh... a disease?\nMichael: That's right. Alcoholism is a disease. You're sick, Randy. You're very very sick. And just like with most diseases, you can't cure it yourself. And it's deadly.\nRandy: [appalled by the \"diagnosis\"] Oh my God...\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. Stan arrives and enters. As he hears the sofa, he sees his father wrapped in a blanket and bottles of beer on the coffee table before him. Another bottle is next to him on the couch. He's sipping more beer.\nStan: Dad! What the hell are you doing?!\nRandy: [quivering] Hello, Stan.\nStan: Dad, it's the middle of the day! I thought you weren't going to drink as much anymore!\nRandy: No, Stan, you don't understand. I have a disease. Daddy's very sick.\nStan: What?? Did you go to your AA meeting?!\nRandy: Yes, they're the ones that told me. I thought I could just quite drinking on my own, but... it's an illness, son. I have to admit that I'm powerless to this terrible disease. [coughs, drinks, and burps.]\nStan: Dad, you've had enough! Just stop now!\nRandy: I can't! I'm sick! [begins to cry and walks off in his blanket. He goes to the bathroom and closes the door, then goes to the vanity and looks in the mirror] It's not fair! Why did you give me this disease?! [coughs as he cries, then takes some shears to his hair and shaves it off. Stan is about to pour milk into a glass downstairs] Stan! Stan! [Stan stops and sets the carton of milk down, then walks into the living room, where Randy is now seated in a wheelchair.] Stan.\nStan: Aww, Goddammit!\nRandy: Stan I... need your help.\nStan: Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?!\nRandy: Gotta try to take it easy from now on, son. Get Daddy another beer, will ya?\nStan: No! You don't need another beer!\nRandy: [turns away and rolls off] I know that! But this disease is just eating me up! I hate my illness!\nStan: Dad, you just need to not drink so much. It's very simple.\nRandy: I wish it was that simple, son. But if I don't give myself up to a higher power, this disease is going to kill me dead. I'm afraid the only thing that will cure me... is a miracle.\nScene Description: the nighttime sky. The camera pans down from the big, bright moon to a church with a grotto in front with a statue of the Virgin Mary with halo looking down benevolently. Somewhere on the statue a red dot appears. The dot grows into a patch and begins to bleed down the gown. The parish priest is walking away from the church when he notices the bleeding. He turns to get a better look, smears some of the liquid onto his finger, and analyzes it.\nPriest: [softly] Es un milagro. [loudly] Es un milagro! [immediately gets on his knees and crosses himself, then holds the bloodied finger upright]\nScene Description: A news report in front of the church, day. A crowd begins to gather at the grotto.\nChris: Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's church in Bailey, where what some call a miracle is taking place. The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed. Out its ass. [an establishing shot of the statue] The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes, [standing with the Spanish-speaking priest in front of the statue's backside] who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass late last night. [back to the reporter] People from all over the state have flocked here to the church to witness the apparent miracle firsthand.\nWoman 1: Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray.\nChris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?\nWoman 2: Well it may represent her sorrow over all the bad things going on in the world.\nChris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood out her ass? [both women stay silent] As news of the miracle spreads, hundreds are expected to show up here at the church, hoping to witness the miracle, and even cure their diseases.\nScene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy's watching the screen.\nRandy: Cure... cure disease. STAN!!\nScene Description: The next AA meeting.\nMan 3: My name is Harry and I'm an alcoholic.\nGroup: Hi Harry.\nHarry: I've been sober now for five years and I I've learned that drinking ice tea and, and getting more involved with my relationship with God is, is, is way more fun than partying.\nWoman 2: It it sure is.\nHarry: Once I accepted that I was powerless to control my drinking and my life, I I put it in God's hands and now, these meeting are the most fun thing I do.\nMan 4: Yeah. [Stan enters the meeting room and walks up towards the front]\nStan: Ah, excuse me, who's in charge here?\nMichael: None of us are in charge. We're all powerless.\nGroup: We sure are. That's right. Uh huh.\nStan: Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday and ...you all kind of messed him up by telling him he had a disease?\nHarry: Alcoholism is a disease.\nStan: No it, it's not. And, y-you can't just go around saying stuff like that to people like my dad. He He's kind of, a hypochondriac\nMan 2: It is a disease because it's a physical dependency. That makes it a disease.\nStan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.\nMichael: He can't quit by himself. None of us could. He needs divine intervention. Spirituality.\nStan: No, he just needs a disciprine. But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease that he can't cure himself.\nMichael: Young man, do you know anything about the 12-Step Program?\nStan: Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while. [he is promptly kicked out] Goddammit! [walks off]\nScene Description: Another news report.\nChris: The crowd grows larger every hour, as the statue of the Virgin Mary continues to miraculously cry blood... out her ass. A Cardinal, Mallory, has been sent by the Vatican to determine whether this is a true miracle or not. [the cardinal and two assistants walk into the grotto]\nFather Barnes: [showing the Cardinal where to go.] Right this way, Cardinal. [the cardinal, priests, and assistants go behind the statue] The blood always comes from the same area. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. [the Cardinal walks into position and begins to take a good look. He puts on his glasses and looks again. He looks even closer, and a stream of blood shoots at his eyes. His face and bust are full of blood as he moves from the back of the statue to the front. He wipes gobs of blood from his glasses and mouth and tosses them to the floor]\nCardinal Mallory: [Irish accent] It's a miracle! [the waiting crowd cheers]\nScene Description: The street. Stan is still pissed off from his expulsion from the AA meeting, but he notices his father grunting. Randy is next to the car, still in the wheelchair. He opens the car door and climbs in.\nRandy: [burps] Uh, kay, here we go. [gets into position]\nStan: [rushes up] Dad?! Dad, what are you doing?!\nRandy: I gotta drive to Bailey. [chugs another beer]\nStan: Dad, you're drunk! You're not driving a car!\nRandy: No, Stan, you don't understand. There's a church in Bailey. The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass.\nStan: [stays quiet, then] What??\nRandy: They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power. She can cure my alcoholism! I'll be back soon!\nStan: Dad, you can't drive! Your license is suspended, remember?! If you get pulled over again, you're gonna go to jail for ten years!\nRandy: [thinks] Alright... then you drive. [points to Stan]\nStan: ... I'm eight!\nRandy: [makes a fist with his right hand] This is my only hope, Stan! Either you drive this car or I will!\nScene Description: On the road. Randy sits in the passenger side chugging more beer.\nRandy: I sure hope this works. No. No, it will work! I have to put my faith in a higher power. I HAVE to believe that this will work! [looks off to his left] There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan!\nStan: Where? I can't see.\nRandy: Right here is good! Brake pedal! Left pedal! [Stan manages to pull into a spot] Alright, get my wheelchair out of the back. [takes another chug of beer]\nScene Description: St. Peter's Church in Bailey, night. Stan wheels Randy up to the end of the line, but isn't happy to be doing this.\nRandy: Is this the line? [Stan's eyes open wide. Before them is a long line leading up to the grotto] Oh God! [gets in line] Is this whole line people waiting to be cured?\nMan 5: Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago. I feel like this is my only hope.\nRandy: I know exactly how you feel. I've got alcoholism.\nStan: [covers his eyes] Oh my God...\nRandy: Wait a minute. Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there? He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him.\nStan: Dad, let's just wait our turn.\nRandy: I could die waiting in this line, Stan. Come on, let's go! [Stan wheels him up to Josh.] Heeey heh, Josh Garrett. How you doin'?\nJosh: Oh, hey Randy. What happened to you??\nRandy: I've got a disease: Alcoholism. It's pretty serious. You?\nJosh: Mm-my daughter has elephantitis [the camera pans down to a horribly deformed girl with a bad breathing condition and crutches.]\nRandy: We are the same, she and I.\nMan 6: Eey, what do you think you're doin', kid?\nOld woman: [in her wheelchair]You're trying to cut in line!\nStan: I just, my dad was-\nMan 7: [walks around the old woman] You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter! [the statue is shown, and another elderly lady walks up to it. Father Barnes takes some blood from the statue's ass and forms a cross with it on the woman's forehead]\nOld woman 2: Praise Jesus. [walks away smiling. The crowd moves up on. Randy didn't return to the back of the line.]\nRandy: This is taking too long! I'm gonna run out of beer! Stan!\nStan: What?!\nRandy: [in hushed tones] You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease. Every couple of minutes he gets out of line to go to the bathroom. When he leaves next, let's take his place.\nStan: No, Dad, people will see!\nRandy: The guy behind him is blind! There he goes! C'mon! C'mon! Go go go! [the line advances and Stan and Randy quickly move in and fill the space]\nBlind man: Hey. I smell a butter.\nWoman 3: He did, that kid just cut in line!\nMan 8: Back o'the line, butter!\nRandy: I'm going to die!\nStan: [gets into position to move the wheelchair to the back of the line] Dad, we're going back!\nOfficer: What's goin' on here?\nMan 9: This kid's cutting in line!\nRandy: Please, officer, you have to understand. I need a miracle way more than these people. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it.\nOfficer: ...I understand. My, my brother's an alcoholic. Here, let me push you to the front of the line. [Stan looks on a bit stunned]\nRandy: Oh bless you, sir! Bless you! [the line parts as the officer moves him] 'Scuse me, out of the way, alcoholic coming through! [the officer moves him into position. Randy wheels himself closer] She's... beautiful. [the statue squirts a long stream of blood on him and he rejoices in it] Aaaah. AAAAAaaaaah! [opens his eyes, and the statue quickly squirts him one more time. He then wheels himself into view and struggles to get up from the wheelchair. He still has a bottle with him] I'm... not... going... to drink this. I'm not going to drink this! [throws the bottle off somewhere] It's a miracle! I'm cured! [begins to dance away. Stan is embarrassed and stewing] Yoohoohoo! Praise Jesus! Praise Mary the Blessed Virgin Mother! Thank you! Thank you God! [runs off]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, morning at the breakfast table. Shelly is drinking some milk, Stan is reading a comic book, Sharon is making breakfast.\nRandy: Good morning, family. The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day. [reaches over and kisses Sharon, then goes to his seat at table] It's just amazing. I haven't had a drink in five days. Praise Christ. Praise him. [looks at his kids]\nStan: Praise Christ.\nShelly: Praise Christ.\nRandy: I've got another AA meeting today and guess where it's gonna be, Stan. At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me.\nStan: Naw, Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's hosue to watch the Bronco game. Kenny and Kyle's Dads were hoping you'd come.\nRandy: Stan, those people drink. I have new friends now. My AA friends, who have faith in a higher power.\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, later.\nGroup: Yeah, all right, woohoo! [Randy and Stan sit among Randy's new friends and their kids.]\nRandy: Boy this lemonade is great! Who knew how fun being sober could be?!\nGroup: Yeah! That's right! Right!\nBoy: Your dad doesn't drink either?\nStan: No, my dad doesn't drink.\nBoy: Does that mean we're friends? [Stan just looks over at him]\nRandy: 'Scuse me, I-I'd like to address the group if I may.\nMichael: Sure Randy, go ahead.\nRandy: [rises] I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic.\nGroup: Hi Randy.\nRandy: But I put my faith in a higher power and... I haven't had a drink for five days now! [the group cheers him on, but behind him another news report pops up]\nScene Description: News Report from St. Peter's Church in Bailey.\nChris: An update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue!\nRandy: [turns around and reacts] Oh wait. Sh sh. Hold on a second, gang. [the group queits down]\nChris: Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th himself, visited the statue here in Bailey to witness the miracle firsthand. [Footage of the pope walking through the crowd. People left and right kneel before him in reverence] It was an amazing sight to behold as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people.\nCardinal Mallory: Right this way, Your Holiness.\nChris: The pope then examined the statue closely. [the pope draw closer... closer... blinks, gets closer... looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows quickly twice, turns back and gets closer, gets a stream of blood on his face, about as much as Randy got] After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand, the pope then cleaned himself off and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue is not a miracle!\nRandy: What?\nChris: Having investigated closely, the pope determined that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass, but rather, from her vagina. And the pope said quote, \"A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vagina's all the time.\" [a graphic with those words appears on screen, along with an image of the pope and his name, Pope Benedict XVI] Back to you, Tom.\nTom: Thanks, Edward, that's a very shocking report...\nRandy: That means... I'm not cured. I still have the disease! [throws his mug of lemonade away and heads for the bar] Bartender! I need a drink! Three shots of McAllen, two small bottles of vodka, three bottles of beer and some Jell-O shooters! [getting frantic] Come ON! Let's GO!\nMichael: Randy, uh what are you doing?\nRandy: You heard what he said! [gathers his drinks and carries them] The higher power didn't cure me! I'm powerless again!\nMan 10: I'm, I'm, I'm powerless too!\nMan 11: Yeah me too!\nMan 10: Get me seven martinis!\nMan 12: Jack and Coke!\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, outside. Randy staggers out with his drinks.\nStan: Dad, Dad, Stop!\nRandy: [turns around, dropping an empty bottle] I'm sorry, son! I'm off the wagon!\nStan: Dad, you don't have to do this! You have the power. You haven't drank since seeing the statue.\nRandy: But the statue wasn't a miracle!\nStan: Yeah. The statue wasn't a miracle, Dad. So that means you did it. That means you didn't have a drink for five days all on your own.\nRandy: You're right, Stan. If God didn't make me stop drinking then... I did. Maybe... Maybe I can force myself to never drink again. [throws off all his drinks, and they shatter on the pavement.]\nStan: No!\nRandy: No??\nStan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and, 'n you've never learned any discipline at all.\nRandy: But, maybe... I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing.\nStan: Naw. All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that'sa disciprine. Disciprine... come from within. [Randy looks at Stan for a moment, then walks up to his side and kneels next to him.]\nRandy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?\nStan: I've had a great teacher.\nRandy: Thanks son.\nStan: No not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.\nRandy: Oh. Well, tell you what: let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. Like to have another beer or two.\nStan: All right!\nRandy: [lifts up his son and places him on his shoulders] Come on! [they begin to walk] Or maybe I'll have three beers. [they walk off towards the sunset in the street. Their shadows are long on the pavement as the sun blazes on the horizon]\nStan: That's probably okay if you spread it out.\nRandy: Well how about four?\nStan: I think you're pushing it.\nRandy: How about twenty?\nStan: That's not disciprine.\nRandy: Right right. Does vodka count?\nStan: Dad!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: \"Previously on South Park\" Daytime. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are playing with their toy trucks and cars under a tree in the neighborhood park. The basketball court, slide, and grass are cleared of snow. Stan runs up to them'\nStan: You guys, you guys! Chef is going away. [the others look up at him]\nKyle: Going away? For how long?\nStan: Forever.\nScene Description: Cut to the boys in the school kitchen, watching Chef pack up his apron\nChef: I'm sorry boys.\nScene Description: Cut to Chef in a bookstore\nStan: Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club. [Chef opens a pamphlet about the club]\nChef: Wow!\nScene Description: Cut to Chef in Mrs. Garrison's classroom\nMrs. Garrison: Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?!\nChef: What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?\nMrs. Garrison: I hope you're making the right choice.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman crying in front of Butters, in the middle of the living room\nCartman: I'm gonna miss him. [Butters walks forward a few steps and puts his hand on the sofa] I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him! [turns his head left and cries into his left arm]\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle sit on a log by Stark's Pond watching the sunset\nStan: Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend. [Kyle draws close and hugs him]\nScene Description: Cut to a meeting room in City Hall. The room is decorated with balloons and a sign saying \"Good Luck, Chef!!\" hangs over the town mayor\nMayor McDaniels: And we will all miss you, Chef, [Chef watches from a nearby table] but we know you must do what your heart tells you..\nScene Description: Dusk. Chef boards a Super Adventure Club jet. The town is out to see him off at the airport.\nJimbo: Bye-bye!\nGerald: Good-bye!\nMr. Mackey: So long!\nA Man: So long Chef!\nA Sign-Holder: Good-bye, Chef!\nRandy: Good-bye, Chef! Have a good time at the Super Adventure Club!\nChef: [waves] Good-bye! [goes into the plane and disappears from the door. The door closes and the plane taxis away. The town waves good-bye to Chef again and Cartman bawls uncontrollably in a high-pitched voice. The plane climbs into the sky]..\nScene Description: And now, Part Two of \"Life Without Chef\" The boys are playing Uno in Stan's house. Their insults to each other are flat now that Chef is gone.'\nKyle: Draw two card, fatass.\nCartman: [draws two and puts one down] Reverse to you, Jew. [the doorbell rings]\nStan: [irritable] I'll get it. [rises and walks over. He opens the door...]\nChef: Hello there, children!\nStan: He's back!\nKyle: Yeah!\nCartman: All right! [applause comes out of nowhere. Chef gives them a hug]\nKyle: Chef! I can't believe you're back!\nChef: Well, it's true.\nStan: But are you back for good?\nChef: That's right.\nScene Description: 'The bar, daytime. Mrs. Garrison bursts through the door with the big news.'\nMrs. Garrison: Hey everybody! Chef's back!\nPatrons: What? All right! Yeah! [they clear the bar to meet Chef]\nRandy: Oh, finally! [prances away gleefully after the others]\nScene Description: 'Jimbo's house, later. Jimbo serves up lemonade. Everyone is laughing at Chef's tales, but they quiet down'\nGerald: Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like interesting people.\nChef: Yeah!\nMrs. Garrison: But now that you're back here, does that mean you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore?\nChef: N-No! No.\nRandy: Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again?\nChef: That's right.\nRandy: Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. [catches his breath] Right?\nChef: That's right, Randy! [everyone laughs approvingly]\nJimbo: Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house.\nChef: Thank you, Jimbo.\nRandy: Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in.\nChef: That's right! Thank you. Good-bye everybody.\nTownsfolk: Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye.\nKyle: Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef.\nChef: You bet! Good-bye, children! [the boys are puzzled at the way he's replying to them. It sounds choppy.]\nStan: Right. Uh, see ya.\nScene Description: 'Outside Jimbo's house. The boys walk down the steps and move towards the sidewalk'\nCartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?\nStan: [stops. The others stop too. Stan looks up] Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little.\nKyle: Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring.\nStan: [turns left and cross the street. The others follow] Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good.\nKenny: (muffled) Yeah, me too.\nScene Description: 'South Park Elementary, lunchtime. The floor is darker now.'\nA Boy: [at one of the tables] It's really weird what he said, I don't know, it kind of confused me.\nCartman: Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again.\nKyle: Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles! [a distraught Clyde walks by and stops.]\nClyde: Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.\nKyle: Like what?\nClyde: I think...[glances at his food] I think he wants to have sex with me.\nStan: What??\nClyde: I gotta- I gotta go. [turns right and walks off]\nKyle: Weirdo. [Fosse moves up and gets his lunch; the boys follow him in]\nChef: Hello there, children!\nThe Boys: Hey Chef.\nChef: How's it goin'?\nKyle: Good.\nChef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?\nCartman: [The boys are stunned] Excuse me?\nChef: Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.\nKyle: ...Chef?? A-are you ok?\nChef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.\nStan: Dude, what are you saying??\nChef: I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.\nStan: ...WHAT??\nScene Description: 'Mr. Mackey's office, later. A detective is walking into the class'\nDet. Jarvis: Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef.\nKyle: This doesn't make any sense!\nDet. Jarvis: We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile.\nStan: No he's not.\nDet. Jarvis: [childish voice] Uh huh.\nStan: No he's not.\nDet. Jarvis: [childish voice] Yeah, yeah he is so.\nButters: What's a pedophile?\nStan: Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef, [whips out generic plush doll with no features on it] so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here? [points to the genital area]\nStan: NO!\nDet. Jarvis: Ok, did he touch you here? [moves two fingers over the groin]\nThe Class: NO!\nDet. Jarvis: [sits the doll on his right lap and starts rubbing the doll's nipples] Did he ever do this? How about this? [lifts the doll to his face and wags his tongue over the doll's genital area]\nButters: My Uncle Bud did that to me once! [smiles unwittingly]\nDet. Jarvis: [gets off the desk and walks around] Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? [places the doll face down on the desk and starts humping it]\nKyle: Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here!\nDet. Jarvis: [continues humping] Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh.\nScene Description: 'South Park Elementary, after school. The kids pour out of the school. The boys come out last, and the doors close. Chef appears before them'\nChef: Hello there, children!\nKyle: [the boys look at each other] Chef, the police are asking questions about you!\nChef: Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love.\nStan: No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you!\nChef: Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?\nKyle: Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?!\nChef: I specialize in your asshole, Kyle. [turns and walks away]\nCartman: ...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex.\nKyle: He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things.\nKenny: (muffled) Like what?\nKyle: Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex.\nStan: Well look, he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him.\nKenny: (muffled) Yeah! I think...\nCartman: Yeah!\nKyle: All right, come on guys!\nScene Description: 'The Super Adventure Club, day. The club is a rambling house several stories tall, and access to it is just one ragged rope bridge. The entrance to the bridge reads \"Super Adventure Club.\" The boys approach it calmly and walk upon the bridge.'\nCartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs. [they step off on the other side and approach the front door. Stan reaches over and pulls the rope that rings the house's bell. A black butler opens up]\nButler: May I help you?\nKyle: Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something?\nButler: Right this way. [the boys enter and the butler leads them]\nHead Adventurer: Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a-\nButler: Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you.\nHead Adventurer: Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club!\nClub Members: Tally ho!\nMr. Connolly: Indeed!\nKyle: Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids. [the members just look around]\nMr. Connolly: What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does!\nMarksman: We travel around the world and have sex with children!\nMarine: Yes, what else would we do?\nKyle: Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff!\nMr. Connolly: Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! [turns and approaches a world map from maybe two centuries ago] Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit.\nKyle: ...Dude!\nMr. Connolly: I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club!\nStan: NO!!\nMr. Connolly: No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? [whips out a portable hypnotizer and makes some whistling sound effects] How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club? [more sound effects]\nStan: [unnaffected] No! [Mr. Connolly tries harder, even stepping forward...]\nKyle: Dude, what are you doing?\nMr. Connolly: [looks at his machine] Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. [hides it behind his back] Well, so long then.\nKyle: Just what the hell is that thing?!\nMr. Connolly: What? What thing? I don't see anything.\nKyle: HA! I knew it!\nStan: Knew what?\nKyle: The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this - fruity little club!\nCartman: Oh, son of a bitch!\nScene Description: 'Robert J. Neeland, psychiatry. Chef and the boys are in the waiting room with a woman reading a magazine.'\nChef: Come on, Children. Let's all go home and make love.\nStan: You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good.\nChef: I just like to make love up your butt.\nWoman: [turns away] Oh my God!\nNurse: [comes out to get the next patient]Mr. Chef, is it?\nKyle: All right, come on. [they follow the nurse in]\nDr.Neeland: Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today?\nKyle: Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club.\nDr. Neeland: [approaches Chef] Brainwashed?\nStan: Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr.\nDr. Neeland: I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.\nStan: No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children.\nDr. Neeland: Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah.\nChef: Doctor, do you have- children?\nDr. Neeland: Why, yes, I have two young boys.\nChef: Have you all been sodomizing your children too?\nDr. Neeland: You say he's never been like this before?\nCartman: No, Chef has always been super-cool.\nChef: I'm gonna make love to the children.\nDr. Neeland: He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen.\nCartman: So what can we do??\nDr. Neeland: I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process.\nKyle: But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever!\nDr. Neeland: Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children?\nStan: Having sex with women.\nDr. Neeland: Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away.\nScene Description: The Peppermint Hippo. The place is busy with pole dancers doing what they do best and so on.\nDJ: All right guys. be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique!\nChef: [a long-haired blonde tries to excite him] Aw, come on, children. Let's go home.\nStan: This isn't working.\nDr. Neeland: WEll let's...give it some time, kids. [a brunette is keeping him busy]]\nBlaze: [coarse voice] Would you like to daaance???\nKyle: No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend.\nBlaze: [walks away] Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance???\nCartman: Come on, bitch! Dance!\nBlonde: Up yours, fatty.\nCartman: Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off!\nDJ: All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spantaneous Bootay! [an immense black stripper walks out, down the runway, and to the stripper pole, stout enough to hold her up. Chef leans his head to the right to get a better look.]\nStan: Come on guys, we might as well go. [the boys prepare to leave. The obese stripper can move, though, and Chef is interested. He drops the blonde off and approaches the stage]\nChef: God-damn!\nStan: Chef, we're leaving.\nDr. Neeland: No-no wait. Let him go. [Chef moves closer and stands in awe of Spantaneous Bootay]\nSpantaneous Bootay: [walks up to Chef] Come here, chubby. [buries his face between her breasts and rattles it with them, then turns around and buries his face between her ass cheeks and rattles it with them as well. She releases him from their hold]\nChef: Wait a minute.\nStan: He's remembering.\nChef: Children! What have I done?\nCartman: It's ok Chef, Go on, remember!\nChef: I'm goinna- I'm gonna-\nKyle: Come on, Chef! You can do it!\nChef: I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire!\nThe Boys: Yay!\nKenny: (muffled) Chef!\nChef: Hey children, everybody! I'm back! [a tranquilizer dart flies in on his left side and strikes him under the ear, behind the jaw, and his smile vanishes] Ow.\nMr. Connolly: [The Club is there] Great shot, William! Hit him with another. [William, dressed in outback gear, blows another dart out through a tube. This one lands in Chef's left arm]\nChef: Oh! [gets groggy quickly and drops like a sack of potatoes]\nThe Boys: Chef!\nScene Description: 'Super Adventure Club, a stormy night'\nScene Description: Mr. Connolly\nStan: Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?!\nMr. Connolly: He's safe. [presses a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot] He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done.\nCartman: Look, If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?!\nMr. Connolly: We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life!\nStan: Oh Jesus, here we go.\nMr. Connolly: Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.\nStan: We don't wanna hear it.\nMr. Connolly: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! [a gregarious man with an open smile in the picture] Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, [a shot of him climbing up a mountain] but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. [A shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating] Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! [Phinehas with some Australian natives] Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. [a shot of him with those kids] But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal.\nStan: Immortal?\nMr. Connolly: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. [a graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around] And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. [a blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys] Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. [a shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper]\nKyle: ...Do you realize how retarded that sounds?\nMr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?\nStan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.\nMr. Connolly: Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. [dramatic fanfare]\nStan: We're not leaving without Chef.\nMr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. [dramatic fanfare] You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! [laughs more and more sinisterly. Moments later...] Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?\nKyle: We're not going anywhere without Chef.\nMr. Connolly: Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. [the boys do not move] You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! [two officers come out and stand behind the boys] Take these boys to the door.\nGuard 1: All right, come on kids.\nKyle: No! Hey!\nMr. Connolly: [the lights come on] Haha! Look they're being led by security! Haha!\nStan: [to one of the guards] No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room!\nGuard 2: This is their house and they don't want you here. [about to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room]\nKyle: Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend!\nScene Description: ''The Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef\nWilliam: And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. [the boys break the door down]\nKyle: Chef, come on!\nChef: Childern!\nWilliam: Get out of here!\nCartman: Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash!\nKenny: [launches himself into a spinning projectile] (muffled) Yeeeeehah! [smashes William's groin. William doubles over in pain]\nStan: [rushes up to Chef] Come on, Chef!\nChef: [struggling] I can't...break these locks. [those are solid locks indeed]\nKyle: Here! [walks up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room]\nScene Description: 'The club's living room. The boys run through it on the way out.'\nCartman: Run Chef!\nMr. Connolly: [turns to see what's happening] What the-? Impossible! I made them leave!\nKyle: Get outside! [chef and the boys reach the front doors]\nMr. Connolly: Stop them! [he leads the adventurers in the charge]\nScene Description: 'Outside the club. Chef and the boys run out, heading for the bridge'\nChef: Children! Run! [they run to the other end of the bridge]\nMr. Connolly: Stop! [his group runs out of the club. Stan and the others reach the other side]\nStan: We made it!\nMr. Connolly: [calling out] Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?? [Chef stops in his tracks]\nStan: Chef, come on!\nMr. Connolly: You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty!\nKyle: Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? [Chef's hesitance shoes a dilemma] Chef?\nMr. Connolly: Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL!\nStan: [softly] Chef, we love you.\nChef: [his eyes shift back and forth with his thoughts] I'm sorry children. [turns and walks towards the club]\nKyle: No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that??\nChef: Get the hell out of here, children!\nMr. Connolly: Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. [a fierce flash of lightning tears the bridge in two, right behind Chef. Fire leaps on him and he screams] NO! [The club end of the bridge smashes into the cliff]\nThe Boys: Chef! [Chef tries to scramble up the bridge, but the fire is too fast and consumes it. He can't climb. The club members approach the edge of the cliff. One of them inadvertently kicks a stone off and it hits Chef, knocking him off the bridge and to his doom below.]\nChef: Ack. [He bounces off five jagged rocks before finally...] Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Damnit! [...landing on the jagged stub of wood piercing through some rocks, which impales him] Ah- Awww! [blood spreads out under him]\nStan: NO! [Chef struggles to get up, but can't move. A mountain lion leaps down into view]\nCartman: A mountain lion! [the lion grabs at Chef's right arm, but is having trouble ripping it off]\nMr. Connolly: We can't lose another member! Shoot it! [the marksman aims and fires]\nChef: Ah!\nMarksman: All right, this! [fires twice, but the lion remains unaffected and continues pulling at Chef's arm]\nKyle: [heartbroken] CHEF! [a huge bear appears]\nCartman: A grizzly bear!\nScene Description: 'the bear stands on its hind legs and roars at the lion, who lets go of Chef and runs up to the challenge. The lion leaps on the bear, trying to go for the jugular, but the bear grabs it and throws it off. The lion hits a cliff wall and falls onto the ground, dazed, but quickly gets up and sinks its fangs into Chef's head. Chef's face and left eye are ripped off and Chef is left babbling. The lion bites into Chef's right arm again while the bear has a hold of Chef's right foot, and at the same time, bear and lion each take a limb. Chef's legs and hips rip away from his torso, and Chef is effectively dead. The bear and lion walk off in different directions with their meals. The boys stare at Chef's remains in horror]\nStan: Oh my God...They killed Chef!\nKyle: You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!!\nMr. Connolly: Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester. [the men turn and go back to the clubhouse]\nCartman: Maybe- maybe he's still okay. [the other boys look at him, dumbfounded] No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your-\nChef: POOOT! [a mean final fart, and a soiled log falls out]\nCartman: Oh never mind.\nStan: Come on, let's go.\nScene Description: 'South Park, a nice, sunny day. Spring is in the air. and a funeral for Chef is set in the town square. A long line of people are paying their respects. Mrs. Garrison steps up to the coffin, and Principal Victoria stands next to her for support. Down in the coffin is a spatula with a red ribbon around it. Kyle steps up to the podium, on which sits a picture of Chef and on the front of which hangs a wreath with the banner \"R.I.P. CHEF.\"'\nKyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. [Elton John is present] Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. [Stan, Cartman and Kenny look down at their feet] But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. [they perk up a bit] I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. [Timmy and Jimmy are sitting together] I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. [Terrance and Phillip are present, weeping quietly] So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains.\nRandy: Yeah.\nMr. Mackey: He's right. [soft applause rises from the crowd]\nKyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all. [smiles]\nScene Description: 'The SAC house, operating room. The club members have gone down to retrieve Chef and put him on the table. Mr. Connolly and two of his men quickly get to work'\nMr. Connolly: Is it working? Is it working?\nTech: Yes. We've got a pulse!\nMr. Connolly: Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry! [an ICU suit is fitted onto Chef] We have done it! Good! Raise him up! [Chef and the operating table are tilted upright - but this Chef looks like Darth Vader. He has a glowing red spatula in his right hand] Chef, can you hear me? Say something.\nDarth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury Steak?\nMr. Connolly: Yes, go on.\nDarth Chef: And for desert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?\nMr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like chocolate candy?\nDarth Chef: No, I mean my balls.\nMr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. A hybrid car zips along Main Street. Gerald is driving it, with Kyle and Ike in the back seat and Ike safely tocked into his car seat behind Gerald. He stops in front of the Tweek house. The car has \"hybrid\" plastered all over it\nGerald: Hey there, Richard!\nRichard: [stops shoveling snow and stands up] Oh, hey Gerald. New car?\nGerald: Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and- [closes his eyes as if to banish bad thoughts] be a part of destroying the earth anymore.\nRichard: Well... Good for you.\nGerald: Oho... [gives a thumbs up, closes his eyes and says with a slight falsetto] Thanks. [drives off and back into town, where Mr. Stotch and Mrs. Garrison observe him drive by]\nStephen: Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski.\nMrs. Garrison: Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else.\nScene Description: An intersection. Gerald ends up abreast of an SUV and gets the driver's attention.\nGerald: You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment. [begins to drive away, with his eyes closed] Thanks.\nKyle: Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off! [a quite-satisfied Gerald stops at the next intersection. Another hybrid car pulls up alongside him]\nDriver: Hey, is that a hybrid?\nGerald: Oh yes. You've got one too, I see.\nDriver: Yeah, I like to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Well, anyway, [sticks his thumb up through the passenger window] good for you!\nGerald: [sticks up his thumb in return and begins to drive away with his eyes closed] Thanks.\nKyle: [firmly] Dad, I think Ike is starving to death. [Ike's eyes are half-closed and he's getting woozy]\nGerald: Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot.\nKyle: What?!\nScene Description: True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement. Gerald begins posting citations on cars. He and his boys are wearing orange safety vests. Kyle and Ike are none too pleased about having to do this\nGerald: Okay, there's another one. [smiles and looks up after posting a citation on a green car] Aw, man! Look at that! [walks two cars over] Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick! [begins writing up a citation] \"Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler\"\nKyle: [catches up] Dad, can we go home, please?\nGerald: Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle!\nKyle: But Dad, I want-\nGerald: NOW, KYLE! [Kyle's eyelids drop and he goes to write the citation. He and Stan cross paths]\nStan: Oh hey Kyle.\nKyle: Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here?\nStan: Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing?\nKyle: [his head drops] Helping my Dad give people fake tickets. [Randy reaches his red SUV and notices the citation on his windshield]\nRandy: What's this? [takes the citation and reads it]\nGerald: Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket.\nRandy: A ticket? \"Failure to care about the environment\" Oh Goddammit, did you do this, Gerald?!\nGerald: Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware ya' know, it's a-\nRandy: You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?!\nGerald: Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket.\nRandy: I know it's not a real ticket!!\nJimbo: [approaches] Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?! [Randy crosses his arms]\nGerald: Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon.\nJimbo: [crumples the ticket into a wad and throws it down] Well thanks, Officer Dickhole!\nKyle: Dad, let's just go!\nGerald: Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem.\nRandy: The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts!\nGerald: Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was \"high and mighty\" to [closes his eyes] care about the earth!\nRandy: And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do!\nGerald: Well, I really don't see how [closes his eyes] that has anything to do with the-\nRandy: There, like that! Stop that!\nDarryl: Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck!\nGerald: All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots! [they walk away, and Ike bounces along]\nScene Description: The Broflovski kitchen, night. Gerald and Sheila chat as Sheila washes dishes\nGerald: Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away.\nKyle: [walks into the kitchen with Ike] Dad. [his parents turn to face him] Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you.\nGerald: [closes his eyes] Yes, it certainly is.\nKyle: We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting too... [rolls his eyes]\nIke: Take offense.\nKyle: ...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to become-hmm... [rolls his eyes again and cues Ike]\nIke: [slowly] Alienated.\nKyle: ...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends.\nGerald: Well, I totally agree, Kyle.\nKyle: You do??\nGerald: Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars.\nKyle: Righ! [grins] Okay, good.\nGerald: And that's why, [hugs Sheila by the shoulder] I've talked it over with your mother, and [releases the hug] ...we've decided to MOVE!\nKyle: What??\nGerald: We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco! [grins. Kyle and Ike look stunned]\nScene Description: Stan's room, day. Stan has a book open, but his thoughts are elsewhere. Someone knocks on his door\nStan: Yeah? [the door opens and Butters enters]\nButters: Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle.\nStan: Going away party? What do you mean?\nButters: Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away.\nStan: [jumps off his chair and looks at Butters] Moving away?? Kyle can't move away!\nButters: Well he is.\nStan: Where's the going-away party?\nButters: At Cartman's house.\nScene Description: Cartman's house. There is indeed a party there, but Kyle isn't visible among the guests. The other fourth-graders are enjoying themselves. A banner above the sofa reads: GOODBYE KYLE\nCartman: [walks into the living room with a pitcher and cups of pop] Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER! [blows into a noisemaker and makes it stick out. Other kids walk up and take cups away]\nToken: Hey Eric, where's Kyle?\nCartman: Who? [smiles innocently]\nClyde: Kyle, the person leaving.\nCartman: Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle?\nCraig: Dude, a going-away party is supposed to be for the person who is going away!\nStan: [enters the house and the other boys move a bit] Kyle? Kyle!\nClyde: Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him.\nStan: What?!\nCartman: You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! [Stan leaves]'Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn, day. His family is almost finished packing everything into the moving van\nStan: Kyle! Du-what is going on?!\nKyle: My Dad says he can't live here anymore.\nStan: Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend.\nGerald: I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.\nStan: Well... Maybe they'll change.\nGerald: [puts a small box into the trunk] I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car! [Kyle and Ike head towards it]\nStan: Nooo!\nGerald: [opens the back right door, and the boys climb in] Maybe you can make a difference, Stan. [closes the door] Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day, [walks around to the driver's side] we're just gonna have to be [closes his eyes] with our own kind. [gets in and begins to drive away. Stan steps into the street and watches them go]\nStan: I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it!\nScene Description: San Francisco, day. The city is seen from the north, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the foreground. All around is a brown haze that hangs over the city, but people don't seem to notice it. Another shot has a streetcar go by as San Franciscans go about their day. The third shot is Chinatown, the fourth is the Haight-Ashbury district with hippies everywhere. The last shot is of a row of houses stepping up a hill. The moving van stops in front of one of them. The Broflovskis move into their new home\nGerald: Well? What do you think, huh? [the boxes are present, but as yet unpacked]\nSheila: Oh Gerald, it's beautiful.\nGerald: Yeah. Now THIS, is a house. [some neighbors stop in]\nMan: Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors.\nGerald: Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis.\nMan: Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis [sucking on something purple] So how do you like the neighborhood?\nSheila: Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat.\nPeter: Yes, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to [closes his eyes] keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down.\nMan 2: [approaches the front entrance] You in here, Peter?\nPeter: Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis\nPaul: Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan\nGerald and Sheila: Hello.\nPaul: We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right?\nGerald: Yeah. That's right.\nPeter: Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series [closes his eyes] Its emissions are actually cleaner.\nGerald: Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh?\nPeter: Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Francisco. [farts, then bends over to take it all in, then stands up again] Ahhhm. [licks his lips to savor every last bit of fart] Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here.\nPaul: Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midwest. [farts, then bends over to take it all in as if it were oxygen] Ahhh, [sniff] ahh, [sniff] ahh. [stands up] We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco\nGerald: Yeah. We sure are.\nScene Description: South Park, Stan's house, night. Stan is on his bed working out a new song on his guitar. His door is open\nStan: Come on, people. Come on, people now. [Cartman and Butters enter]\nCartman: Dude, what are you doing?\nStan: I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways.\nCartman: THAT's gay, heh.\nStan: Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs!\nCartman: Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him?\nStan: You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow.\nCartman: [fears that for a moment, then] Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew! [walks out]\nButters: Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew. [walks out after Cartman. Stan resumes composing]\nStan: Come on, people. Come on, people now.\nScene Description: KXUV Radio Station. An extreme closeup of the host's booth.\nDJ: All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with \"Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already\". [Stan's intro begins to play]\nStan: Come on now, people now people now People now, come on now, people now Got to drive hybrids, people now People now, people now, people now Hybrids are for people now, people now Group of people driving people now Get a hybrid, be good people now.\nScene Description: as he sings, the following takes place: FM 1 98.7 shows up, Randy notices his son singing, Jimbo notices his nephew singing, a stranger slumps a little in his car, Principal Victoria notices one of her students singing, other people stop to listen\nCustomer: He's right. [people leave their cars and go to a Toyonda hybrid dealership]\nStan: We have all got to be people now People-driving-hybrid people now People now, people now, hybrid now Hybrid-people-driving people now. Come on, people, let's be people now Hybrid-people-driving people now Come on, everybody be people now\nScene Description: as he sings, the following takes place: Randy joins the rush of customers checking out hybrids at the dealership, Jimbo drives off in his new red hybrid and pulls up next to the Stotches, who are driving their new hybrid as well. They give each other thumbs up and gloat a bit. Another driver pulls up alongside Randy and gives him a thumbs up. Randy returns the gesture. More people check out the dealership. Mrs.Tucker(Craig's mother) pulls up alongside Jimbo\nLaura Tucker: Hey Jimbo, you got a hybrid too?\nJimbo: Yeah, I just wanted to [closes his eyes] try to set an example, you know?\nLaura Tucker: Yeah, I guess it's up to us to [closes her eyes] show everyone the way.[opens them] Good for you\nJimbo: [cheerfully closes his eyes] Thanks. [drives off]\nScene Description: At an intersection\nMrs. Garrison: Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids? [pets her own hybrid]\nRandy: I know! It's like \"Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl\"\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey is parked amid a small crowd\nMr. Mackey: Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybrid-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay?\nScene Description: Two drivers going the same direction\nDriver 1: [eyes closed, thumb up] Good for you!\nDriver 2: [eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks!\nRandy: [eyes closed, thumb up] At least we're smart enough to know better!\nDriver 3: [leans out and looks back, eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks! [the street is now filled with hybrids]\nStan: Come on, everybody be people now\nScene Description: South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set up for a speech. On the curtains is a banner with a flag over it. The banner reads: WAKE UP AMERICA!\nSpeaker: And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country! [the crowd cheers]\nRichard: If only the rest of the country [closes his eyes] was as insightful as we are.\nStan: [steps up and holds his trophy] Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now. [steps down and walks off the stage. The crowd cheers]\nJimbo: Great speech!\nGerald: Yeah, well, you know my son is just [closes his eyes] a little bit more clever than some.\nAn officer: [stops Stan as Stan steps onto solid ground] Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song.\nStan: Yeah.\nRanger McFriendly: Uhh! [smacks Stan on the left cheek enough to spin his head around]\nStan: Ow!\nRanger McFriendly: You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?!\nStan: What?!\nRanger McFriendly: Come with me! [walks off. Stan follows]\nScene Description: Ranger McFriendly and Stan walk to the top of a hill overlooking the town\nRanger McFriendly: There! Look! [a dark brown cloud is showing hovering over the town]\nStan: Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before.\nRanger McFriendly: Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug!\nStan: Smug?\nRanger McFriendly: Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the second smuggiest city in America!\nScene Description: South Park breaking news. Awesome graphics\nAnnouncer: This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin!\nAnchor Tom: It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan?\nKeenan: [at the weather desk] Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning. [a map of Denver and surrounding areas] All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country.\nScene Description: San Francisco, day. The scenes shown previously are repeated\nSinger: A smuggy day in San Francisco town.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, housewarming party\nPaul: Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian?\nSheila: No! Hello, how are you?\nGail: Really good, really good. [she farts and quickly bends over to inhale it all]\nGerald: Hey there. Alan, right?\nAlan: Actually, it's Alain\nGerald: Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine?\nAlan: Can I just get an empty glass?\nGerald: Oh. Sure. [hands him an empty glass]\nAlan: Can you believe all these imbeciles in Texas? They just put another prisoner to death. [puts the glass to his ass and farts into it, then lifts the glass to his nose and inhales deeply]\nScene Description: Kyle's room. Brian and Mindy are present with two other kids. All of them are on Ike's side of the room, two of them on Ike's bed, while Kyle and Ike are on Kyle's side, sitting on Kyle's bed.\nKyle: [hesitant at first] So... what do you do for fun?\nBrian: We drink and take drugs.\nBoy 1: Do you want some acid?\nKyle: Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff.\nBoy 2: You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs.\nBrian: It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time.\nGerald: Everything okay in here, Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah, fine, Dad.\nGerald: So much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys? [farts, then bends over and inhales his own fart] Wuhh [sniffs, rises and walks away] Mmmm.\nKyle: Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid.\nIke: I want three.\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Butters and Cartman are playing a video game from Stan's sofa while Stan is on the phone\nStan: No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there!\nCartman: Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football!\nButters: [giggles] Yeah. You're right. [Cartman stops for a few seconds, then drops his controller]\nCartman: You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew.\nButters: Well I'm sorry. Well it's just that I'm not Jewish, and now th-\nCartman: No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole!\nRanger McFriendly: [barging in] Marsh!\nStan: Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly.\nCartman: Who?\nRanger McFriendly: You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse!\nScene Description: South Park News station, later. Stan looks over Keenan's shoulder as McFriendly, Cartman and Butters look on\nKeenan: I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here. [a satellite map is shown, with a closeup window over it. There's smug everywhere] This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength.\nCartman: [clearly doesn't know what's happening] The smug?\nKeenan: The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here. [points to the smug over the California-Nevada border, near Reno] These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other. [moves his hand over the hurricane-like formation over the Nevada-Utah border] Now take a look at this. [moves his hand towards Southern California. A small cell is moving northward]\nStan: What is that?\nKeenan: It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.\nStan: George Clooney's acceptance speech?\nKeenan: Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the super cell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction.\nRanger McFriendly: We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm!\nStan: What about San Francisco?\nKeenan: [with gravity] Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco.\nScene Description: South Park Square, day. A town meeting has again been called, this time for storm preparation. Ranger McFriendly is talking\nRanger McFriendly: Soo, that's it people. [a different map showing the various smugs is shown, with an arrow going from Clooney's smug to the center of the super cell] When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen.\nRandy: Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all?\nRanger McFriendly: If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes. [the crowd grasps, then people begin talking about it]\nJimbo: This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids!\nRandy: Yeah. Good going, stupid!\nRanger McFriendly: Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town.\nStephen: Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town! [the crowd responds vigorously to the plan]\nJimbo: Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's! [Stan turns left and walks away]\nRandy: Hey, where do you think YOU're going?!\nStan: [stops and turns to face the crowd] I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco.\nRandy: Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em!\nRanger McFriendly: How long do we have until the smug clouds collide?\nKeenan: Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona.\nScene Description: The Arizona desert, day. The smug is shown floating over a desert road. Dusty and Sons gas station is shown. The smug is quickly approaching the station.\nAttendant: The hell is that? [The cloud goes over the station. As it goes over, clips of George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech issue from within, ending with \"Oscar winner, George Clooney, sexiest man alive\"]\nScene Description: San Francisco, day. Cartman and Butters are at the city limit, having planned to rescue Kyle. Cartman puts on a pressurized suit with a long umbilical cord\nButters: Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this.\nCartman: [puts on the gloves] I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits.\nButters: But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city?\nCartman: You don't know San Francisco, Butters. [zips the suit up] It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and die hard modern hippies young and old. [turns around and sighs] I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me. [reaches down, picks up the helmet, and puts it on, locks it in place, and pressurizes the suit. Communication resumes through the intercom] All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength.\nButters: [adjusts his headset] I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric.\nCartman: I'm not doin' it for Kyle. [turns around] I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes. [begins to walk slowly and deliberately into the city]\nScene Description: Dawson's Junkyard, day. Hybrid cars are awaiting destruction. The camera focuses on a green one, which is soon lifted away by a massive electromagnet. Inside a small room, Stan mans the controls. Mr. Mackey and Stan's parents look on as Ranger McFriendly guides Stan\nRanger McFriendly: All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up!\nStan: Can't somebody else operate this? I can't really reach.\nRanger McFriendly: Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?! [The green hybrid is now over the masher, and Stan releases it. Moments later, a cube of twisted green metal slides out and drops onto the ground] Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?!\nKeenan: They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time!\nScene Description: San Francisco. Cartman is now in the Haight-Ashbury district. People look and move on\nMan: Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan.\nCartman: [checking in] Butters, are you there?!\nButters: [making sure the cord is taut] I'm here, Eric.\nCartman: I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL?\nButters: [now reading a map] You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left?\nCartman: Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store.\nButters: Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west.\nCartman: Turning right at O two four niner. [turns right at the corner and continues walking]\nScene Description: Dawson's Junkyard, day. Stan is still manning the controls. He drops a red hybrid into the masher, and a cube of twisted red metal slides out and drops onto the ground\nRandy: That's it. That's that the last one.\nRanger McFriendly: Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid!\nKeenan: Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside! [the townsfolk hear the warning and run around all over the place. Keenan says softly, deeply] God help us.\nScene Description: Over northeast Nevada, the speech's smug nears the supercell. From the ground, the smug is seen floating along quickly, reciting Clooney's speech. It runs into the super cell and stops talking. Immediately, lightning envelopes the super cell and spreads to San Francisco and South Park\nScene Description: San Francisco, under the Perfect Storm of Self-Satisfaction. Stuff begins to roll down the street on which Kyle lives. Cartman approaches his house\nCartman: Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?!\nButters: That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are thoroughly spent from the party, so they don't take notice of the storm outside. Cartman opens the door and the sound of thunder fills the house\nCartman: Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go!\nGerald: [Slowly, blissfully] Being smug is a good thing. [farts in his armchair, bends down to inhale it]\nCartman: Oh my CHRIST! [runs up to Kyle's room and kicks the door open. Kyle and Ike are as wasted as Gerald and Sheila are. They sit on the floor with their backs against Ike's bed] Kyle? Kyle!\nKyle: The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls.\nIke: I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls.\nCartman: [trying to shake Kyle to his senses] We have to get out of here! Now! [lightning strikes the house, which begins to burn. The lights begin to flicker, and the camera zooms in on Cartman, who continues shaking Kyle] Kyle! Kyle!! [the screen goes black]\nScene Description: Fade in to South Park, the morning after. People begin cleaning up. The storm dealt a heavy blow to South Park\nNetwork anchor: And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole.\nStan: No...\nRandy: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend.\nClyde: Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see!\nStan: What?\nClyde: It's a miracle!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. The Broflovskis are back in town, safe and sound and glad to see everyone. Everyone marvels at their return. The Marshes arrive. Stan spots Kyle and runs up to him\nStan: Kyle!\nKyle: Hey Stan.\nStan: Dude, what happened?? [grins]\nGerald: We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here.\nMr. Mackey: It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay? [Butters looks to Cartman for any reaction. Cartman puts his left index finger to his mouth, indicating that Butters should keep his mouth shut about this]\nStan: [gives Kyle a brief hug] Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead.\nRichard: So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild.\nRandy: Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars.\nGerald: And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right? [everyone seems to agree and discusses it...]\nKyle: NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing!\nMr. Mackey: But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay?\nKyle: Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do. [silent reactions all around] Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it.\nRandy: You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it.\nKyle: Yeah!\nRandy: I'm... [puts his hands over his lower belly] I'm not ready...\nGerald: I don't think I can do it either.\nMr. Mackey: It's simply asking too much.\nRandy: Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us.\nGerald: Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasteful gas guzzlers! [everyone likes the idea; they all disperse]\nCartman: [walks up to Kyle] Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah, I guess so.\nCartman: We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat!\nKyle: Don't belittle my people, you fucking fatass! [turns and walks away angry]\nCartman: Ah, that's better. [smiles]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. Sharon is seated on his bed and is reading to him from a book called \"The Bubble Gum Prince In The Land Of Chocolate.\" Stan looks up at her, half-asleep and smiling\nSharon: But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe forever and ever. [Stan's eyelids shut themselves and his left arm falls a bit. He's asleep. Sharon rises from the bed and bends down.] Goodnight my little angel. [kisses him on the forehead, turns out the lamp and closes the door on her way out. Moments later, the door flies off its hinges and a frantic Randy runs in with two large plastic water bottles]\nRandy: STAAAN!!\nStan: [awakens and looks around as the lights come on] What?? What??\nRandy: Get up! Get your shoes on! Gotta get out of here! MOOVE! [brings the shoes over, but yanks Stan along before Stan has a chance to put them on. As they go down the hall, Randy stops to get a vase and toss the flowers out.] Take this!! [hands the vase to Stan] We've gotta bring all the water we can!! [Shelly opens her door and steps out] Shelly, go get my gun!!\nShelly: Whats going on dad?\nRandy: JUST GET THE GUN!! [runs down the hall and down the stairs. Sharon comes out of the master bedroom running while putting her coat on.]\nScene Description: Stan's house, front, night. The family exits. Randy has a sleeping bag\nRandy: Unh, come on! [the camera switches to a wider view and shows everyone running around with all manner of items in hand. A man carrying a large first-aid kit trips and moans in pain]\nMan: AWWWGH!\nWoman: Oh nooo! [Stan sees Kyle in the crowd with his family]\nStan: Kyle! What the hell is going on this time?!\nKyle: I have no idea!\nScene Description: a red car runs into a light pole and its driver flies out through the windshield, ending up either unconscious or dead. A man breaks the display window at Tele's and runs off with a small TV. The community center has its doors open and people run inside it\nMan: Take cover in the community center again!\nScene Description: The community center, inside. People try to find places on which to bed down for the night. A nake redhead runs around aimlessly\nJimbo: All right, everyone get in and get a seal on that door!\nLinda: Oh my God, Stephen, we've left Butters. [moves to find him. Stephen stops her]\nStephen: We can't go back out, Linda! It's too late for him!\nStan: Dad? [Randy is cutting duct tape into several equal-length strips] Dad, what the hell is going on?! [Randy stands up and faces the boys. Behind him, Mr. Mackey and a man in a raincoat set up a TV]\nRandy: A cartoon...! A cartoon is about to air on American television with... with the Muslim prophet Mohammad as a character! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and blink]\nStan: So?\nRandy: SO?! Stanley, Mohammad is sacred to the Muslim people. [people around them begin to pay attention] Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammad anymore.\nGerald: [approaching in his pajamas] Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammad as a character?\nRandy: Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy!\nCrowd: AWWW!\nJimbo: How could Family Guy do that?\nSheila: Why would Family Guy so blatantly insult Muslims?\nRandy: Because Family Guy doesn't care who they insult! They only care about their... precious money!\nStan: Oh come on, people. You really think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon??\nMr. Mackey: Wu-we've got the TV working! [the picture comes into focus]\nScene Description: South Park News 4, Anchor Tom reporting\nTom: Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammad is set to air tonight on Family Guy!\nSharon: Oh Randy, hold me. [Randy holds her]\nTom: The news has already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world. [Live footage is shown - a crowd holds an American flag aloft and someone sets it on fire] All over the Middle East, Muslims are burning American flags and Family Guy posters. Muslim terrorist al-Zawahri made this statement:\nal-Zawahri: [translated] We are so super pissed off at 'Family Guy'. 'Family Guy' isn't even that funny of a show. A jihad on 'Family Guy', and the 'Family Guy' nation!\nLinda: So what happens now?\nRandy: We stay here through the night, wait it out to see if they do anything. If we're still alive in the morning, [dramatic closeup] then we'll know we're not dead.\nScene Description: South Park, morning. The sky is red as the sun rises. At the South Park Community Center, Mrs. Garrison opens the doors and looks out.\nMrs. Garrison: It's okay! [everyone heads out]\nRandy: We're alive?? We're alive! [pumps his fists]\nJimbo: [listening in on a boombox] Everyone. Everyone, listen. FOX Network censored the image of Mohammad at the last minute.\nCrowd: Oh thank God.\nRandy: Well, it looks like we've dodged a bullet.\nStan: They censored the image of Mohammad? How?\nKyle: I TIVO every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle leads the boys to the front door running and opens the door. They all go in\nScene Description: Kyle's living room. Kyle gets the TiVo remote and gets to work.\nKyle: Okay you guys, check it out. [begins scanning the recorded programming]\nCartman: You TiVo every episode of Family Guy?\nKyle: Dude, it's a good show.\nStan: Yeah, lots of people like Family Guy.\nCartman: Yich. [Kyle has reached his target. The Family Guy living room is shown. Peter is in his armchair, the rest of the family is on the sofa]\nLois: Peter, I can't believe you invited your old high-school sweetheart over for dinner.\nPeter: You think that's bad? Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhoff's car? [flashback #1]\nPeter: Hey there, Knight Rider. [Michael Knight climbs onto Peter's shoulders and they're off]\nMichael: After those bad guys, KITT! [Peter smiles and his teeth glow like KITT's headlights used to]\nChris: Yeah, but Dad, why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?\nStewie: Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous.\nPeter: Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancakes to the school soccer captain? [flashback #2]\nPeter: [rings a doorbell. The captain answers, dressed as Capt. Kirk] Pancakes for you, Captain?\nSoccer Captain: I'll be the Captain, and you'll be Tenille. [rushes away and returns with a wig and pale blue dress for Peter to don. Moments later the captain is at a keyboard on the front lawn playing a Captain and Tenille tune as Peter sings]\nPeter: Love will keep us together\nKyle: Hehaha, heh.\nCartman: Yich.\nLois: But Peter, I don't wanna cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend.\nPeter: Well, maybe we can just have tea.\nBrian: You mean like the time you had tea with Mohammad, the prophet of the Muslim faith? [flashback #3]\nPeter: Come on, Mohammad, let's get some tea. [Mohammad is covered by a black box with the words \"IMAGE CENSORED BY FOX\" printed several times from top to bottom inside the box. They stop at a tea stand.]\nMr. T: Try my \"Mr. T. ...tea.\" [squints]\nPeter: Oh boy, was that ever weird. Anyway, I can't believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner. Huh.\nKyle: That's it? That's all they did?\nCartman: Oh man, that's not cool! Seriously, that is not cool.\nStan: What? What's the big deal?\nCartman: What's the big deal? You guys, they just made fun of the religion of an entire group of people. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in silence] What, you guys think that's okay?! Do you care at all about people's feelings?!\nKyle: Since when you care about being sensitive to people's religion, Cartman?!\nStan: Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time!\nCartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!\nKyle: Uhhh...\nCartman: I'm telling you guys, it's wrong! It's WRONG!! [turns and heads for the front door, then turns back and aims his index fingers at the other boys] It's wrong! [opens the door, heads out, and closes it behind him. Kyle's parents walk in from the kitchen with their survival gear]\nSheila: Kyle? Kyle, what are you watching?!\nPeter: Hey Brian, this is like the time I got a job as a carrot cake.\nSheila: Gaaah! It's Family Guy! Quick, Gerald, do something! [Gerald arrives with a bat and begins bashing the television set to bits]\nKyle: Dad, Dad, Jesus Christ!\nGerald: [stops once the picture is gone] It's okay... it's dead.\nSheila: You boys know you're not supposed to watch that careless show!\nKyle: Mom, it was nothing. Mohammad just stood there and then drank some tea.\nSheila: You boys don't understand anything! It's obvious that you ALL need Muslim-sensitivity training!\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class, day. Class is in session, and Mrs. Garrison is at the board\nMrs. Garrison: Welcome to Muslim-Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslim feel the way they do, and why we can never show an image of Mohammad.\nKyle: No, Muslims can't show an image of Mohammad.\nMrs. Garrison: Kyle, you're not being very sensitive.\nCartman: Yeah, Kyle. Maybe you think this is funny, but the rest of us don't.\nMrs. Garrison: Let's all look at why Muslims are upset: [turns and picks up a stick of chalk] First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what? [no response] Sex. Good. [writes \"NO SEX\" on the board] There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world. [faces the class] Now, this would be fine except that in the Muslim religion you also can't... Anybody? [no response] Jack off. [writes \"NO JACKING OFF\" on the board] Okay, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion. [faces the class] And what do we know about the places Muslims live? They live in? [no response] Good, sand. [writes \"SAND\" on the board] Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!\nCartman: Mrs. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy?\nWendy: [skeptically] ...yeah.\nMr. Mackey: [over the school PA system] Attention students: Proceed to the school gymnasium immediately for an emergency announcement!\nStan: The hell's going on now?!\nScene Description: The school gym, moments later. The teachers gather behind Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria as Mr. Mackey gets the TV working. The kids enter and are seated on the floor\nPrincipal Victoria: Shh! Quiet, students, quiet!\nScene Description: SNN special report. A graphic about \"FOX: CENSORED\" is over the reporter's left shoulder\nSNN anchor: Once again, we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammad was only Part 1 of a two-parter! And Part 2 is going to air next week, with Mohammad uncensored!\nCartman: What?\nMrs. Garrison: Why would they-?\nSNN anchor: FOX Studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammad character be seen in full view. [a shot of some townsmen watching the news at the bar] The head of FOX had this to say:\nFOX President: Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist we don't censor their work, then we we can't.\nRandy: [angrily leaves his bar stool] FAMILY GUY!!! [throws his Corona bottle down; it shatters] I DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!\nSNN anchor: Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East; this time, even more massive. And terrorist leader al-Zawahri has issued a threat.\nal-Zawahri: [translated] Seriously, 'Family Guy' isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs-our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!!\nMr. Mackey: Retaliation... Oh my God. M'kay?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, afternoon. The kids pour out the front doors\nCartman: Goddamned Family Guy! Now they're just provoking people! It's like they want a holy war!\nStan: Does this mean we don't have school all week?\nCartman: You guys, this is serious! We have to do something!\nKenny: (Like what?)\nCartman: We have to go to the FOX network in L.A. We have to go and... try to get that episode pulled. You guys with me?\nStan: Dude, we can't go anywhere. They've shut down the airports and the buses.\nCartman: Then we'll ride our Big Wheels.\nStan: To Los Angeles?\nCartman: If that's what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network! The Family Guy writers aren't gonna back down!\nKyle: Well good for them. They shouldn't! The writers are standing up and saying they aren't going to be intimidated!\nCartman: Intimidated?! Is that what you think this is about, Kyle?\nKyle: All right dude, what the hell has gotten into you?! I don't trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real!\nCartman: All right, fine, Kyle. Forget the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die because Family Guy just had to have their little joke, will you still think it's funny? [Kyle stifles an answer] What if a hundred people died? Will it be funny then, Kyle? [Kyle's jaw drops] I'm going to Los Angeles. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak for what's right. [walks off]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle's asleep when his father bursts into the room\nGerald: Kyle! Kyle, wake up! [Sheila and Ike follow him in] We have to go! The terrorists are attacking!\nScene Description: Outside. Terrorists run around with rifles scaring everyone else, but the military gives chase\nKyle: Dad? Are you sure this time?\nGerald: This isn't a joke, Kyle! Bombs have already gone off in six cities!\nKyle: No!\nSheila: Wait a minute! [looks around and drops her stuff] Where's Ike?!\nGerald: [looks around and drops his stuff] He was just here! Ike!\nSheila: Ike! [Kyle goes back through the crowd to look for him]\nKyle: Ike? Iiike! [sees him] Ike! [Ike is heading for the ice cream shop]\nIke: Ice cream. And chocolate.\nKyle: Ike! [points left] This way! [a flash of light fills the night, and Kyle shields his eyes from it. A bomb has gone off behind the ice cream shop and the shockwaves spread out, obliterating the row of stores before Ike.] Iiike! [races towards him. Ike is engulfed by the flames, flesh turning to bone]\nIke: [hauntingly] Kyyyle! [Kyle's flesh is consumed by the flames] Nooooo!\nKyle: [sits upright in his bed and is quite awake now. He catches his breath, then leaves his bed to check on Ike. He opens Ike's door and looks in. Ike is sound asleep under his mobile. Kyle lets out a soft sigh of relief]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, next day. He equips his Big Wheels with whatever he can take to keep him going for the trip to Los Angeles. Cheesy Poofs. Socks. Doughnuts... Kyle stops by on his own Big Wheels\nCartman: Come to try and stop me?! [...a bigger box of Cheesy Poofs...] It isn't gonna work. [...a can of Dr. Pep-er, a can of lemon-lime soda...]\nKyle: I didn't come to stop you. I... I think you're right, Cartman. I want to help you get the Family Guy episode pulled.\nCartman: [...Snacky Cakes...] Yeah well, I don't need a partner on this. [...another can of Dr. Pep-er...] Especially one who doesn't trust me. [seals his knapsack shut]\nKyle: Look, Cartman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but... I I think it's pretty amazing. And I think it's real. You have to understand why I didn't believe you before.\nCartman: [turns around slowly] Yeah. I do understand, Kyle. I've been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just wanna do something right, you know? Just this one time.\nKyle: It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help. We can try and get the episode pulled together.\nCartman: You know we might not even make it into the studio.\nKyle: I know. But just like you, I feel like I have to try. People can really get hurt, and a joke just isn't worth that.\nCartman: So what made you change your mind?\nKyle: I got some sound advice... from an old friend. [they smile at each other. Cartman turns and hops onto his Big Wheels]\nCartman: Well Kyle, we'd better get going.\nKyle: Yeah! [dramatic shots of Cartman getting on his Big Wheels, then of Kyle doing the same]\nCartman: Are you set?\nKyle: I'm set! Let's do this!\nCartman: All right, let's roll! [they ride off, slowly]\nScene Description: Town meeting in one of the rooms in City Hall. Everyone is talking all at once\nMayor McDaniels: People! People, quiet, please! [the crowd quiets down] We must not panic!\nRandy: Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! Part 2 of the Family Guy episode airs in six days!\nMayor McDaniels: I believe that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.\nProf. Thomas: [steps up to the podium] Thank you, Mayor. [everyone sits] Now look, everyone, Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do... because they've wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know... that we had no part in the Mohammad episode. That even though the episode aired, we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it, and we didn't talk about it.\nJimbo: So how do we do that?\nProf. Thomas: We bury our heads. In sand. [flips a board over to reveal his plan for disavowing any knowledge of the episode] We take twenty to twenty-five dump trucks, fill them with sand from Monarch Lake, and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately eighteen dozen shovels, we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes, and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every person's head buried deep, deep in sand before the Mohammad episode airs, we could avoid looking like we're responsible for any part of this at all.\nStephen: No, no, wait a minute, [Mrs. Garrison looks at him] that's ridiculous. [Gerald looks at him] What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? [makes his way to the board] If anything, we should ALL make cartoons of Mohammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's... been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if WE... aren't willing to RISK... what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it. [the other people there mull this speech over...]\nRandy: I like the sand idea.\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, me too.\nGerald: Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler. [everyone else agrees]\nMayor McDaniels: We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and sixteen tons of sand! Let's move, people!\nScene Description: Out in the desert during the day, Cartman and Kyle ride along. Cars pass them by\nKyle: We got six days to make it to Los Angeles. If we keep our stops to a minimum, we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.\nCartman: Yes, and in just a few weeks from now, Family Guy will be off the air forever.\nKyle: [puzzled] Off the air? But... we're just going to try to get the Mohammad episode pulled.\nCartman: It's simple television economics, Kyle. All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled. If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled. And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more! It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley.\nKyle: [races ahead] Whoa whoa wait a minute! [pulls a hand brake so as to block Cartman, then gets off his Big Wheels] This isn't what I signed up for! I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get it off the air forever?\nCartman: Because they made f-fun of Muslims, and and that's wrong.\nKyle: But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.\nCartman: [gets off his Big Wheels, his anger sudden and strong, and walks up to Kyle] Don't you EVER, EVER, compare me to Family Guy! You hear me Kyle??!! Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me I will kill you where you stand! [turns and goes back to his Big Wheels]\nKyle: [realizes Cartman's true intent] You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion. Or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air.\nCartman: Do you have any idea what it's like?! Everywhere I go, \"Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right?\" \"Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman.\" [turns and faces Kyle] I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!!\nKyle: What are you talking about?!\nCartman: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!\nKyle: I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech.\nCartman: Well... I guess you won't be helping me now. No biggie. I don't NEED you to get the episode pulled! [begins to walk towards his Big Wheels]\nKyle: No! [moves to stop Cartman in his tracks] I am NOT letting you go to that television studio and pretend... to care about safety and sensitivity to get a show you don't like off the air!\nCartman: Well then Kyle, I guess we- ...Oh my God, is that Tim McGraw?\nKyle: [turns around to see] What? [Cartman shoves him to the ground from behind and quickly gets on his Big Wheels, and peels away. Kyle gets up] CARTMAN! [gets on his Big Wheels and gives chase.]\nScene Description: The highway. Kyle catches up to Cartman and then tries to run him off the road. Cartman recovers and Kyle tries again. Cartman pulls ahead and Kyle works on one of Cartman's back tires with his big front one. That gets Cartman to fishtail back and forth\nCartman: Kyle, stop it!\nScene Description: Cartman pulls ahead. Kyle can't catch up. A car goes by, and then Cartman gets an ingenious idea. He crosses the sandy median and continues down the highway the wrong way. Kyle decides to catch up with Cartman, so he crosses the median as well and pops up behind Cartman. Cartman looks over his shoulder at Kyle, then looks ahead, then looks in disbelief as a tanker truck barrels towards them\nCartman: Holy Crap! [swerves to the right]\nKyle: Ahhh!\nScene Description: Kyle swerves to his left. The truck rolls by between them. The two of them line up again and continue riding. They pass a patrol car, which turns on its sirens and follows them. Both bikes and the cruiser fishtail down the highway\nTrooper: Stay on 'em! [the fishtailing continues, but the patrol car loses control] Jesus, Mary! [the car falls back into the median, flips over backwards, and falls apart. Cartman and Kyle continue on as fast as possible towards the setting sun]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The sand has been brought in and is now being spread out, Mr and Mrs Tucker walk by with their son Craig; Mr Tucker holds a shovel\nProf. Thomas: If you have children, be sure to bury their heads in the sand before you bury your own. [the camera pans across as a row of residents already has their heads buried, with snorkels in place for undisturbed breathing. The camera stops at Stan.]\nStan: Dad, I don't wanna bury my head in the sand.\nRandy: It's the best say, Stanley. Did you eat your Fruit Roll-Up?\nStan: Yeah.\nRandy: All right, make sure your snorkel is working. [Stan slips it on] All right, now get your head in the hole.\nStan: Dad, this is stupid.\nRandy: Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity! Do it! [Stan dips his head into the hole and Randy quickly buries it] All right Sharon, now do me. [gives the thumbs-up sign, puts on the snorkel, and dips his head in the hole. Sharon buries his head]\nJimbo: [approaches Prof. Thomas with Mrs. Garrison] Uh Professor, we all just thought of somethin'. If everyone has their head buried by the person standing to their left, then who's gonna bury the last person's head?\nProf. Thomas: Yes. I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last, and... not have his head in the sand.\nFarmer: [steps forward through the crowd] I'll do it.\nWife: [appears and tries to stop him] Dylan, no!\nProf. Thomas: You realize by not burying your head in sand, you'll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audience.\nDylan: Yes, I know.\nWife: Dylan, please, you can't!\nDylan: Somebody has to do it, Sarah. [strokes her hair and face] You run along now and you get your head in the sand. I'll be all right. [she looks at him, then cries uncontrollably into his shoulder. He looks at the professor] You have to understand... I'm all she has. [the other townsfolk look on for a few seconds]\nMrs. Garrison: [to Jimbo] Who are those people?\nScene Description: The Highway. Cartman and Kyle continue racing towards Los Angeles. Kyle is closing in. Cartman looks back and opens his knapsack, unleashing everything he packed in there. Kyle gamely swerves to avoid it all. Cartman opens the big box of Cheesy Poofs and pours out the contents\nKyle: [begins losing control] No! [his Big Wheels go left and he can't brake] AAAAH! [he jumps off as he nears the edge of a cliff] AAAAH! [the Big Wheels goes over the edge and starts bouncing down the side of the cliff. At the first bounce, a rear wheel comes off. At the second bounce, Kyle's knapsack flies off. The rest bounces a few more times until it reaches the ground below, upside down. The Big Wheels explode. Kyle rises and looks down at the wreckage. He nurses an injured right shoulder]\nCartman: Hahahaha! So long, Kyle!\nKyle: You son of a bitch! I won't let you win! You hear me?!\nCartman: [riding into the distance] Suck mah balls, Kyle! [Kyle sobs a little, then pounds his left fist into the sand along the side of the highway]\nScene Description: FOX STUDIOS, a heliport. A government helicopter emblazoned with the Presidential seal descends onto the heliport. FOX executives come out to greet the visitors. President Bush and Condoleeza Rice exit the helicopter with two Secret Service agents flanking them\nPresident Bush: Are you the network president?\nFOX President: Yes, Mr. President.\nPresident Bush: We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.\nFOX President: Mr. President, my hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don't censor Mohammad.\nPresident Bush: But Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with.\nFOX President: Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.]\nScene Description: End sequence. Cartman sneaks out from behind the Family Guy Studios sign with a gun and runs up to the front doors. He enters the writing room...\nAnnouncer: Next week on South Park: The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy Studio and learns the shocking secret behind the Family Guy writing staff.\nCartman: [...and reaches a slow, undulating glowing light, judging from the reflection coming off him] This... explains everything.\nAnnouncer: As an entire nation buries its head in sand... [a city is shown with sand everywhere, with heads buried in the sand, snorkels out]\nSNN anchor: The idea has swept the nation! But where will we find enough sand for everyone?\nAnnouncer: ...and the battle between Good and Evil is finally waged...\nCartman: [he and Kyle fight in a burning studio] Kyle, quit it! Stop it, Kyle!\nAnnouncer: Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored? Will Family Guy be destroyed??? Will television executives fight for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out? Tune in to see Part 2 of Family Guy, next week, on South Park!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: \"Previously on South Park...\" SNN News is on the air...\nAnnouncer: Previously on South Park...\nSNN anchor: The popular cartoon, Family Guy, is going to show the image of Mohammad uncensored!\nScene Description: a shot of the town hall, where the town has gathered to listen to emergency plans on dealing with Family Guy\nProf. Thomas: If we all bury our heads in sand, [a shot of the townsfolk with their heads in the sand] we can avoid being any part of this.\nScene Description: a shot of the four boys in front of the school, before Cartman heads off to L.A.\nCartman: I'm gonna do whatever I can... to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.\nScene Description: a shot of Kyle in the desert when he learns of Cartman's true intentions\nKyle: You just want Family Guy off the air...\nScene Description: Kyle messes with Cartman's Big Wheels to slow him down. Cartman fishtails.\nCartman: Kyle, stop it!\nScene Description: A shot of both of them after Kyle loses his Big Wheels\nCartman: So long, Kyle!\nKyle: You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!\nScene Description: A shot of President Bush and of the FOX President\nFOX President: Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.]\nAnnouncer: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Cartoon Wars... will not be seen tonight! [\"Special Presentation\"] so that we can bring you this Terrance & Phillip Television Special [tooot! Terrance & Phillip... in... Mystery at the Lazy \"J\" Ranch. Terrance and Phillip are shown catching a blackhat in action]\nScene Description: Lazy \"J\" Ranch, day. Terrance and Phillip ride their horses\nPhillip: Say Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy \"J\" Ranch?\nTerrance: It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts. [the horse farts and its tail goes up like a flag. They both laugh.]\nPhillip: Oh, look who's coming! Isn't that Mohammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion? [Mohammad, covered with a \"CENSORED BY CBC\" box, rides up to them]\nMohammad: Hey guys, how's it going?\nTerrance: Hello Mohammad, we've read all aboat you in the Koran.\nMohammad: I'm here to investigate a murder.\nScene Description: Canadian Broadcasting Company, day. Terrance and Phillip stands to the opposite of the Network President in his office.\nTerrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!\nPhillip: You censored out the image of Mohammad in our television special!!\nNetwork President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammad anymore. It's dangerous.\nTerrance: But you ruined the whole show!\nNetwork President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.\nPhillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy \"J\" Ranch with Mohammad uncensored!\nNetwork President: Ey! I run this network, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten how to be funny! NO Mohammad!\nTerrance: But Family Guy is going to show Mohammad on an episode that airs tonight!\nNetwork President: I doubt it! I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to FOX Network to demand that that episode be pulled.\nScene Description: FOX Studios, day. An entrance to the Studios is shown, with guards at heightened secuity. Cartman rides right into the studios with no one noticing him. Cartman enters the main building and approaches a receptionist\nCartman: Ma'am, I need to speak to the president of this network right away.\nReceptionist: What is it regarding?\nCartman: It's regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Mohammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight! It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims, and people can get hurt! It's wrong! It's WROOONG!\nReceptionist: O...kay, but if you've got a problem with Family Guy, you'll have to wait in line. [points to her right. Cartman looks over and then back at the receptionist] That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air altogether. [Cartman walks over and sees Bart Simpson seated in a chair, his skateboard leaning on it]\nCartman: Dude, can I go before you?\nBart: Eat my shorts!\nScene Description: The highway, dawn. Kyle, still nursing his shoulder, arrives at a truck stop and his eyes open wide\nKyle: What the hell is going on? [everyone there has his or her head buried in sand. Kyle walks among them] Hello? [stops next to someone in a red sweater] Excuse me, I need to get to Los Angeles. [tugs at the pants. The person waves. Kyle looks around and goes into the diner] Hello?! [a TV in the store is tuned to SNN]\nSNN anchor: ...starting in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. [a helicopter shot of buried heads everywhere] Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. [more live footage is shown. Kyle gets close to the TV] Amd Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.\nAl-Zawahri: [translated text reads] \"Family Guy\" better not show Mohammad tonight. I'm serious. \"Family Guy\" isn't funny.\nSNN anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:\nOsama bin Laden: [translated text reads] If you look closely at the writing in \"Family Guy\", you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.\nSNN anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate. [a rifle appears next to him and a hand cocks it]\nTrucker: [with rifle trained on Kyle] You one of them?\nKyle: Who?\nTrucker: How come your head ain't in the sand? [Kyle is confused]\nScene Description: FOX Studios. Cartman is seated two chairs away from Bart. Muzak is playing in the background\nCartman: So... you don't like Family Guy either, huh?\nBart: I hate Family Guy.\nCartman: So what's your plan? You're gonna ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?\nBart: Not nicely.\nCartman: Look, kid, if you hate a TV show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.\nBart: Cool, man.\nCartman: Yes. So my plan is to use this whole Mohammad thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show. I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.\nBart: Isn't that like, terrorism?\nCartman: ...No, it isn't like terrorism. It IS terrorism.\nBart: I could do that.\nCartman: This is manipulation at its highest lever; you should let me handle this.\nBart: I'm a pretty bad kid.\nCartman: Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?\nBart: I stole the head off a statue once.\nCartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.\nBart: [compares the two acts in his mind...] You got it, man. You got it. [hops onto his skateboard and skates off]\nCartman: Seeya.\nScene Description: The White House, day. President Bush is addressing the White House press corps in the press room\nPresident Bush: I want to assure the American people that as President, I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Mohammad will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at seven.\nReporters: [clamoring] Mr. President!\nReporter 1: [rises] Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with? Don't they know they're putting the country in danger? [sits]\nPresident Bush: I have come to... understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.\nReporters: [clamoring] Mr. President!\nReporter 1: [same one as before] What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?\nPresident Bush: [thinks a moment, then leans into the mic and says in a low voice] I'm afraid that information is classified.\nReporters: [in unison] AWWW!!! [then clamoring] Mr. President!\nTCO reporter: [rises] Mr. President, can't you force the Family Guy writing staff not to write anything about Mohammad? [sits]\nLSX reporter: [rises] Couldn't you throw them in prison? [sits]\nPresident Bush: Look! The fact of the matter is the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment!\nReporter 2: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?\nPresident Bush: [beat] Uh you know, the right to free speech.\nReporters: [in unison] AWWW!!! [they begin to fight furiously and clamor amongst themselves]\nReporter 3: [rises] Mr. President, when your administration came up with this \"First Amendment,\" did it not foresee a problem like this might happen? [sits]\nPresident Bush: [beat] Well... We didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.\nTCO reporter: [rises] What do you intend to do about this \"First Amendment,\" Mr. President? [sits]\nReporter 4: [rises] Forgive me, Mr. President, but this \"First Amendment\" sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joob? [sits]\nReporters: Yeah!\nReporter 5: That's right!\nScene Description: FOX Studios, day, the President's office. The FOX President is discussing schedules with the department staff\nFOX President: Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup.\nReceptionist 2: [enters] Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode\nFOX President: All right, let's get this over with. [Cartman enters the room leaning on a crutch]\nCartman: [removes his cap] Hello, gentlemen, ladies. My name is little Danny Pocket. And I won't take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crutch; it's the only way I can get around these days. Ow...\nStaff: Oh, poor kid.\nCartman: You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Mohammad and, two days later, terrorists suicides bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. [shocked looks on the faces of the staff] First one terrorist suicide bombed us and, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide bombers running in the building and blowing up one after another! They were like Mexican jumping beans. I just don't wanna see people here at your studio getting hurt, because... that would be, of course, your responsibility. [coughs] Ow..\nFOX President: I feel terrible. It's so east to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face.\nStaffer: Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.\nFOX President: Little boy, will you talk to the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode.\nCartman: I'll certainly do my best. [coughs] Ow.\nFOX President: Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Mohammad episode after all.\nCartman: [turns and walks out, and says softly with an evil smile] Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.\nFOX President: What was that?\nCartman: [stops and turns] I I said \"thank you.\" Thank you for listening. [walks out again]\nScene Description: FOX Studios, outside. A truck pulls up to the curb and the passenger door opens. Kyle steps out of the truck and closes the door\nKyle: Thanks a lot for the ride.\nTrucker: Ey, it's the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don't wanna see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show!\nKyle: I'll do everything I can.\nTrucker: I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know? [drives off]\nScene Description: FOX Studios, exterior studio wall. Bart is writing \"I HATE FAMILY GUY\" repeatedly on the wall, much as he'd do in the opening credits of The Simpsons. His skateboard is leaning on the wall\nKyle: [noticing Bart writing, but doesn't see the actual text] Excuse me. [Bart stops writing and approaches Kyle] Do you know which way the network president's office is?\nBart: Who wants to know?!\nKyle: Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting Family Guy off the air.\nBart: [eyes narrowing] The network president's office is in there! [points to his right, to a small red building labeled \"154 c\"]\nKyle: Oh thanks, dude.\nBart: No problem, man. [smiles, knowing Kyle isn't going to the right building]\nScene Description: A storage room. This is the building Bart pointed to. Kyle opens the door and enters\nKyle: [looks around] Hello? This can't be right, I- [Bart whacks him from behind with a skateboard, and he falls forward] Ow!\nBart: Cowabunga, motherfucker!\nScene Description: The Family Guy offices. The receptionist shows Cartman in\nReceptionist 2: [behind a desk] Hello Mitchell.\nMitchell: Oh hi, Miss Travis.\nMiss Travis: The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.\nMitchell: [rises and walks forth] Are you... sure? They're working on a new episode right now.\nCartman: It won't take long, sir. [coughs with more energy] Ow...\nMitchell: All right, I'll take him back. Follow me, little Danny. [walks back to the writing area. Cartman follows.] You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.\nCartman: [removes his cap] Yes, I'm totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.\nScene Description: The Family Guy writing room. Mitchell and Cartman enter and walk by the cubicles\nMitchell: Well, here we are. Danny, the Family Guy writing staff.\nCartman: [stops and stares] Wha? [before him is a wall tank the height of the writing room. Manatees are swimming slowly within, and a huge pile of plastic balls sits at one end of the tank. Some of them are snacking on snall fish] What are they?\nMitchell: They're manatees. [gray manatees] Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico. Tinker, Pete and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea.\nCartman: Family Guy is written by manatees? [rethinks] Of course, it all makes sense now.\nMitchell: They really are brilliant creatures. [the camera focuses on the ball pile] You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. [the camera zooms in and pans across] Each ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it. There's millions of them. [A manatee swims to the left side of the tank balancing a ball on its nose] The manatees choose an idea ball and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the tank. [another manatee swims into the pile] Uh there goes Gretchen! She's comin' up with an idea. Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman. [another manatee reaches the combine and drops a ball in] The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form part of the new script. [the ball reads \"Mexico\" as it goes down the pipe into the sorter] Laundry Date Winning Mexico Gary Coleman. A perfect Family Guy joke! I can see it now!\nScene Description: The imagined joke\nLois: Peter, you didn't do the laundry today.\nPeter: You think that's bad? Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?\nScene Description: Pedro's, somewhere in Mexi\nWaiter: ¿Qué pasa, señores?\nGary Coleman: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?\nScene Description: Back to the Family Guy offices\nCartman: Waitwaitaminute waitaminute. These... manatees demanded that Mohammad be shown? How? Manatees don't talk!\nMitchell: When FOX censored the image of Mohammad last week, it also meant that the Mohammad ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatees very upset. Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank, and the manatees stop working. He-here, I'll show you. [looks up] Keith? [Keith, seated at the top of the tank, reaches in and pulls out a green RIVERDANCE ball. The manatees stop in their tracks and slowly drop down as the balls they're carrying slip away from them] All right all right, put it back in! [Keith drops it back in. The manatees respond quickly and resume work] Manatees are very ethical writers. Either everything's okay to write about, or nothing is. Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to ...speak with the manatees.\nCartman: Oh... yes, yes. Um [clears his throat and talks to the tank] hello, manatees. I, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Mohammad. See, I'm the victim of a, a terrorist attack and... terrorists might come after you if you-\nMitchell: That isn't gonna work on them.\nCartman: Why not?\nMitchell: Don't you know anything about manatees? They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by terrorst threats.\nCartman: [softly] Son of a bitch.\nScene Description: The storage room. Kyle is now dangling from the ceiling, enveloped in a rope trap. He struggles to get out\nKyle: [calling to Bart] Let me out of here, kid! Why are you doing this?\nCartman: [voice] Well well well! [now shown walking up to Bart, who's keeping watch while leaning on his skateboard. Cartman has a mean air of satisfaction on him]\nKyle: Cartman!\nCartman: Hello, Kyle. Looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well.\nKyle: You fat sun of a bitch!\nCartman: You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle. There was just one thing you didn't count on: that more people besides me hate Family Guy.\nBart: Yeah.\nKyle: Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too! Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!\nBart: Shut up! [points to Kyle] You shut your fucking face, man! [to Cartman] Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?\nCartman: Not yet! But I've come up with a new plan. I've learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working! As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break, I can sneak back in.\nBart: Cool man!\nKyle: Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!!\nCartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showin' there! See that?! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle, [turns and walks away] I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.\nKyle: WHAT?!\nScene Description: Family Guy offices, later. The FOX President looks at the manatee tank along with the rest of the staff\nFOX President: I don't understand it. What's wrong with them? [the manatees are floating aimlessly]\nMitchell: We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.\nFOX President: [concerned] But, nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?\nMitchell: No sir, none of us did. [Cartman smiles and looks around at the results of his handiwork]\nFOX President: Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Mohammad uncensored! I did what you asked! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!\nCartman: [hobbles up to him] Sir! Sir! [faces him] If you don't my saying, I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatees last week. Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want. You spoiled them by caving in. Now they thnk they can walk all over you. [they both turn to face the tank] Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them. Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge.\nFOX President: You're right. It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do! I'm pulling the Mohammad episode, you got that?! And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!! [faces the staff] How long before Family Guy's supposed to air?!\nExecutive: Twenty-five minutes.\nFOX President: I gotta hurry! [rushes off]\nCartman: I did it. I... AM... GOD!!!\nScene Description: FOX Studios, outside. Cartman has left the offices and dances down a street\nCartman: Family Guy is going off the air! No more Family Guy for me, mon frère!\nKyle: [appears in the shadows] Cartmaaaan!!! [Cartman stops in his tracks] You fucking fatass!\nCartman: How the hell did you get out?\nKyle: That kid and I had a long talk! I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!\nCartman: Aw, God damnit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?!\nKyle: [seething in anger] You are not. Killing. Family Guy!\nCartman: You're too late, Kyle! The president of the network is pulling the episode! Family Guy is as good as dead!\nKyle: [checks his watch] There's still time to tell the network president you're full of crap!! [runs off]\nCartman: [runs ahead and cuts him off] I can't let you do that!\nKyle: Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!\nCartman: [takes off his mittens] Fine, Kyle. I guess it was inevitable. [Kyle removes his left mitten with his teeth and spits it away] Let this be our final battle. [they put on their battle faces and begin fighting, which is shown dispassionately. It's all a long series of slaps] Ow. OW! Stop it! Kyle, that's too hard! Ah! [they begin to move along a sidewalk] Ugh. Kyle! Stop it!\nKyle: Ow. Quit it!\nCartman: Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Bleh. Kyle! [throws him up against a wall. They slap each other some more and Kyle throws Cartman up against the wall. Some more fighting and Cartman throws Kyle up against a window, but they both crash through it into the King of the Hill offices.]\nScene Description: King of the Hill offices. The boys continue fighting through the offices, Kyle having the upper hand\nCartman: Stop it!\nKyle: Ow. Quit it!\nCartman: Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Leh- Kyle! Let go- Okay okay come on, time out. Kyle, time out! Time out! Time out. [Kyle stops his attack and a few seconds of silence follow. Then] Time in! [slaps Kyle hard. Kyle waits for a writer to stop staring, then resumes his attack] I d-ow! Uh. Ah. Sh-gah. Okay. Okay. Time out! Kyle t-time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!\nKyle: No more timeouts, fatass!\nCartman: Time out! Time out! Time out, Kyle! Ay! Ay!\nScene Description: King of the Hill offices, outside at the other end. The doors fly open and the boys fall out, get up, and resume their fighting. They are getting tired though.\nCartman: Kyle! Kyle! Get the... Get the- Kyle! Kyle, dude, that was- that was in the balls! Dude, serious- seriously! That was in the balls! No hitting- No hitting in the balls! [throws Kyle off, but they resume fighting] Kyle! [Kyle finally gets Cartman in a reverse headlock. A few seconds later, he begins punching Cartman on the ribs] Quit it, Kyle. Give it up, Kyle! [gets out of the headlock, but the fighting resumes] Okay... Okay! Okay okay! [the fighting stops, and they're both panting] You win! You win. I give up. [kicks Kyle square in the nuts. Kyle doubles over in pain, coughing, and Cartman grins] Hahaha! I had my fingers crossed. [Kyle is still immobile, but a skateboard whacks Cartman from behind. Cartman falls over and Bart is there]\nKyle: [coughs] Thanks, kid.\nScene Description: The Office of the FOX President. He is on the phone\nFOX President: Network Control! This is the President! I want you to pull the episode.\nWoman: [whispers] What? [in normal tone] Mr. President, are you sure? [the other programmers look at her]\nFOX President: I'm sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 0 2 900. [two programmers raise their access keys and insert them into corresponding locks in their desks, then turn the keys. Between their desks is a big red \"PULL EPISODE\" button. Its lid pops up and it begins flashing]\nComputer Voice: Abort System initiated.\nProgrammer 1: Awaiting confirmation.\nWoman: Mr. President, we need your final approval code.\nFOX President: President approval code [Kyle runs past the office, but notices and comes back] 0-0-destruct-\nKyle: [runs in and interrupts] Sir! Mister television executive! Stop!\nFOX President: Who are you?\nKyle: Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child. He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of Family Guy forever!\nFOX President: The end of Family Guy?\nWoman: Mr. President, we need final authorization!\nFOX President: Hold on, Julie! [covers the transmitter] What are you talking about, kid?\nKyle: Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain reaction. You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It's what happened to Laverne & Shirley.\nFOX President: You mean... the manatees aren't trying to run the network?\nKyle: What manatees??!! [a fist knocks him away and Cartman steps in]\nCartman: Go ahead, Mr. President! Continue what you were doing!\nKyle: [quickly rises] No! You have to show Mohammad, Mr. President!\nWoman: Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders!\nKyle: Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech!\nCartman: No! Think about the people who could get hurt!\nFOX President: Ah... I don't know who to listen to!\nCartman: Okay, I'll make it easy for you. [pulls out a gun and aims it at the president] Pull the Mohammad episode, now!\nFOX President: Okay, I'll listen to you. [gets back to the phone] Julie?\nKyle: Noo! Wait! You can't listen to him! He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants Family Guy off the air!\nFOX President: But he has a gun.\nKyle: You can't do what he wants just because he's the one threatening you with violence!\nCartman: Shut up, Kyle!\nFOX President: I can't be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me.\nKyle: Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that, Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here.\nCartman: Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President!\nFOX President: I shouldn't even be in the office still. It's supposed to be half-day Friday.\nWoman: Mr. President, thirty seconds to airtime. What do you want us to do?!\nKyle: Do the right thing, Mr. President.\nFOX President: How about I allow the episode to air but, just censor out the image of Mohammad again.\nKyle: I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Mohammad, then soon you'll have to censor out more.\nCartman: No gay speeches, Kyle!\nKyle: If you don't show Mohammad, then you've made a distinction what is okay to poke fun at, and what isn't. Either it's all okay, or none of it is.\nWoman: Five seconds, Mr. President! [the programmer J. Walker has his finger hovering on the button]\nKyle: [softly] Do the right thing. Show Mohammad. [Cartman still has his gun on the president] Do. The right. Thing.\nWoman: Mr. President, we need a decision now!\nFOX President: Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.\nKyle: Yes! [dances]\nCartman: No! No, I hate Family Guy!! [tries to fire the gun, but it seems to be empty. No bullets come out. He throws it down.]\nWoman: Air it! [a different programmer gives his thumbs up and then turns to press the \"AIR EPISODE\" button. The credits come up and the self-destruct programmers remove their keys and sigh in relief. The \"PULL EPISODE\" lid comes down]\nScene Description: The episode\nLois: Peter! You got a pink slip at work?\nPeter: You think that's bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Mohammad while wearing a toga?\nScene Description: The flashback. The doorbell rings\nPeter: [dressed in a toga, answers the door] Coming Mohammad. [opens the door. A salmon helmet appears and he reaches out to grab it]\nScene Description: In this shot, Mohammad hands a football helmet to Family Guy.\nScene Description: Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammad on their network.\nPeter: Wow, a salmon helmet! Thanks! [closes the door and goes back to the sofa]\nScene Description: back to the episode\nPeter: Anyway, what were we talking about?\nScene Description: The White House. President Bush and his staff watch the episode.\nPeter: Oh yeah, my pink slip.\nPresident Bush: Hey, that wasn't bad at all. They just showed Mohammad standin' there, lookin' normal.\nAn Official: Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating!\nPresident Bush: What?!\nPeter: Or the time I- [click. SNN shows up onscreen]\nSNN anchor: As soon as the image of Mohammad appeared, terrorist leader al-Zawahri announced the retaliation!\nAl-Zawahri: [translated] We warned you not to show Mohammad- But \"Family Guy\" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!\nScene Description: Osama bin Laden & al-Zawahri present an Al Qaeda Films Production\nScene Description: three houses appear against a backdrop of skyscrapers. Each house has a dollar sign on its roof, indicating the wealth of the West\nAmerican male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.\nAmerican male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.\nAmerican male 1: We like to crap own each other. [the men take turns crapping on each other]\nPresident Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]\nAmerican male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!\nAmerican Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.\nAmerican male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]\nJesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]\nAll: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]\nScene Description: THE END\nScene Description: ?\nAl-Zawahri: Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you! THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY."}
{"text": "Scene Description: P.F Chang's China Bistro, night. A waiter arrives at a table\nWaiter: Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce?\nHead waiter: Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.\nChris: [whispers] I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here!\nHead waiter: Well what about the new waiter?\nChris: The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high.\nTowelie: [at another table, mixing sauce...] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?\nMale diner: Will you just place our order, please?\nTowelie: Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.\nHead waiter: Everything okay here?\nMale diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!\nTowelie: Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless!\nMale diner: Yeah? Well you're a towel!\nTowelie: You're a towel!\nHead waiter: All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!\nTowelie: Yeah!\nHead waiter: Not him, you!\nTowelie: Awww.\nScene Description: The sidewalk outside P.F. Chang's. Towelie walks towards the camera, dejected\nTowelie: Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. [stops] But first, maybe I'll get a little high. [pulls out a lighter and joint, and lights up. His eyes change color from white to pink] Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent.\nScene Description: Towelie, at home, night. He gets to work at an old typewriter: he puts a paper in and rolls it into place.\nWaiter: Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce?\nHead waiter: Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.\nChris: [whispers] I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here!\nHead waiter: Well what about the new waiter?\nChris: The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high.\nTowelie: [at another table, mixing sauce...] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?\nMale diner: Will you just place our order, please?\nTowelie: Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.\nHead waiter: Everything okay here?\nMale diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!\nTowelie: Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless!\nMale diner: Yeah? Well you're a towel!\nTowelie: You're a towel!\nHead waiter: All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!\nTowelie: Yeah!\nHead waiter: Not him, you!\nTowelie: Awww.\nScene Description: The sidewalk outside P.F. Chang's. Towelie walks towards the camera, dejected\nTowelie: Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. [stops] But first, maybe I'll get a little high. [pulls out a lighter and joint, and lights up. His eyes change color from white to pink] Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent.\nScene Description: Towelie, at home, night. He gets to work at an old typewriter: he puts a paper in and rolls it into place.\nTowelie: I bet people can't wait to read my memoirs. [begins to type]\nScene Description: A publisher's office, day. The publisher reviews the first draft Towelie brings in\nPublisher 1: Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see. Well, that's quite a fascinating story, you being engineered as a towel with a computer chip that determines dryness.\nTowelie: Yep! And it's all true.\nPublisher 1: Chapters 4 through 8, however, seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips.\nTowelie: I guess I could edit those chapters down some.\nPublisher 1: Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs.\nTowelie: Huh? Why not?\nPublisher 1: Well, just the small trivial fact that... people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels.\nTowelie: Wull yeah, but, maybe people will read my memoirs and like, apply its lessons to their own lives.\nPublisher 1: No. They won't. Because they're people. And you're a towel.\nTowelie: You're a towel!\nPublisher 1: No. I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.\nScene Description: Porcupine Press, day. Towelie leaves the building\nTowelie: Now what am I gonna do? I gotta pay rent and I just wasted three weeks writin' my memoirs. It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible. I've gotta shape up, focus, an' come up with real solutions to my problems. [pulls out his joint and lighter again] I'd better get a little high. [strikes the flint once, but doesn't light the joint] Oh, maybe I shouldn't.\nJoint: But you have to think of somethin' fast, an' gettin' high makes you smart.\nTowelie: All right, I'll just use my special gettin'-high powers one more time. [lights the joint and sucks some fumes in. His eyes turn pink again] Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course! That's it! Why didn't I think of it before? [grins a small grin]\nScene Description: \"A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS\"\nScene Description: The page turns and the Chapter 1 is shown\nTowelie: [in the stacks of a library, he proof-reads] All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel. [crosses out \"towel\" and writes] person. I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune than other towels. [crosses out \"towels\" and writes] people. [the next sentence reads \"But as I pursued my derelict...\"] This is a really good idea.\nScene Description: Another publisher's office, day. The publisher reads\nPublisher 2: Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human being has led this kind of life, Mr...!\nTowelie: [wears a small fedora and fake mustache] McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.\nPublisher 2: It's heartbreaking passages like this one: \"I am a person who often gets hung out to dry by all those around me.\" I know this company would be honored to publish this book. I just have one small question first. You're not... a towel, are you?\nTowelie: ...No. If I was a towel, why would I be wearin' this hat, an' this fake mustache?\nPublisher 2: Right, I'm sorry. [rises] Well Steveen, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna to get our agents and lawyers on the phone right now. We're in business, sir.\nTowelie: [quite pleased] All right!\nScene Description: Oprah. Her splash screen comes on, the studio audience cheers\nOprah: Thank you so much. [the applause dies down] Once in a while I come across a book that is sooo honest and sooo moving that it changes my life. [holds up a book] \"A Million Little Fibers\" is the true story about a man who was born in a laboratory. Please welcome author Stevem McTowelie! [she fairly sings his last name. Towelie comes out to cheers from the audience and climbs onto the sofa with some difficulty] Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself, \"How can a human being go through all this and still turn out okay?\"\nTowelie: Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow- [stops himself] person.\nOprah: You talk in your book how you would sometimes have to spend days hung up on a rack. What would that do to you emotionally? You have been through... so much, [the camera pans down to her crotch] and I think that people all over America could benefit...\nHer crotch: [in one UK accent] Oh God, there she goes again, babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on. She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!\nOprah: ...a life that kept getting up whenever it was down...\nHer crotch: Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge. All she does is work, never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again. A minge needs attention! At least a scratch once in a while!\nOprah: Well Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet, but I have some pretty exciting news for you!\nMingie: Used to be a time when Oprah would play with me night and day. She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger. Now I just sit here, in the dark, not even so much as a pinky! I should write a book! Be much more depressin' than his!\nOprah: And so, Steven, I'm making your book my official Book of the Month selection! [sing-song ending]\nTowelie: Really? [the audience cheers] Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now.\nScene Description: The book goes into mass circulation, the presses printing, cutting and binding at a fast pace. The paper cover goes on last, and the new book drops through a trap floor into a waiting cardboard box with more copies of the book within. The cover is shown and the box closed and shipped out. Next, Towelie is at a book-signing at Frontier Books autographing the books of a line of waiting readers. Posters promoting his book appear on the sides of buses, another shot of Towelie signing books at Frontier as dollar signs float by, a man checking the book out through a window at Tiara Books, shoppers buying the book at Barnes & Legal as Towelie floats by with his bong\nScene Description: Oprah's office. She has a lovely Persian rug there.\nOprah: [talking to her programming people] Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th. All right, is John Travolta available to be a guest the week after that? Okay, that might work better since it's Sweeps Week.\nMingie: Can't take it anymore. All she ever does is work work work, never pays attention to the ol' minge. I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits. I want attention! I'm bloody bored!\nA voice: [in a different UK accent] Oh stop your complainin'! I'm tryin' to sleep back here.\nMingie: Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary?\nGary: Yes it's me. You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.\nMingie: Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole. I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation.\nGary: Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard! I want to travel. I want to see Paris. I thought lamp was goin' to get better, but Oprah's always busy. Werkin' and werkin', diyatin' and not diyatin'. I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake or teaspoons of weedgrass.\nMingie: She's a workaholic. Let's face it: the only way we're ever goin' tuh get any attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.\nGary: Well that'll never happen.\nMingie: Not unless she gets fired.\nGary: [wonders] Fired... You got a plan, Mingie?\nMingie: That bloke on the show today, the one Oprah supported. 'E isn't a bloke at all. 'E's a towel.\nGary: Ooo. How d'you know?\nMingie: [low, ominous voice] I'm a minge. Minges know a towel when they hear one. If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion author is a towel, she'll look right foolish. Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions.\nGary: 'Ow do we get proof?\nMingie: We get somebody else to do it. The greatest investiga'ive reporter of our time.\nScene Description: Geraldo Rivera's office, evening. Geraldo is busy writing up a report\nButler: Mr. Rivera.\nGeraldo: What is it, Dimitri?\nDimitri: There's somebody on the phone to speak with you. He says he has inside information for you that may discredit Oprah Winfrey. [Geraldo stops, rises, and goes into his private offce, where he answers the phone]\nGeraldo: [sits down] Thith ith Geraldo.\nMingie: [somehow on the phone] 'Allo 'Eraldo. I've got some information for you ya might find interestin'. It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.\nGeraldo: Who am I thpeaking with?!\nGary: 'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with.\nMingie: Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah. You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya?\nGeraldo: [his left hand spread out over his chest] What information do you have?\nMingie: What'd 'e say?\nGary: He wants to know what information we have.\nMingie: Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary! Don't wait for me 'o ask you \"wha' 'e say?\"!\nGary: Stop wastin' my time.\nMingie: Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary!\nGary: I didn't say \"stop wastin' my time,\" Geraldo did.\nGeraldo: What ith going on here?!\nMingie: Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'. Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk. [a few second later]\nGary: Hallo?\nGeraldo: Who ith thith?\nGary: This is Gary.\nGeraldo: Gary who?! What is your last name?!\nMingie: Don't give away your name. We don't want anyone to know where we are.\nGary: A'right, look. All you need to know is that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.\nMingie: Aw you stupid twit!!\nGary: Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!\nMingie: He didn't call you \"stupid twit,\" I did!! Now just tell 'im this:\nGary: The writer of the book on Oprah's Book of the Month Club is a phonih. He's not a person at all. He's a towel.\nGeraldo: A towel? A talking towel? That doethn't make any thenthe.\nMingie: Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised at things that can talk.\nGary: You'd be surprised at things that can talk.\nGeraldo: What proof do you have of this accusation?!\nGary: Just look into the author of \"A Million Little Fiyabers,\" and you'll discover the truth.\nGeraldo: And how do I go about that? [click, and a dial tone. Geraldo tries to get the caller back on] Hello? HELLO?!\nScene Description: Larry King Live. The splash screen pops up\nAnnouncer: This is Larry King Live.\nLarry King: [Towelie is in the guest chair] My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie, author of the acclaimed book, \"A Million LIttle Fibers.\" How are you tonight, Steven?\nTowelie: Well Larry, I'm a little high.\nLarry King: Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction. What made you write it?\nTowelie: Well Larry, I was... really just writin' down my memoirs as I-\nLarry King: [holds his left hand up and looks to his director] What? What's that? Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand that we have a special report coming in. Joining us live from Afghanistan, here is Geraldo Rivera. [a split screen comes up and Geraldo's feed struggles to come in]\nGeraldo: Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?\nLarry King: We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show.\nGeraldo: Larry, this brave reporter has been days investigating and researching, and I have come up with a shocking discovery that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world! Steven McTowelie, author of \"A Million LIttle Fibers,\" is a towel!\nTowelie: You're a towel.\nGeraldo: No, you're a towel.\nTowelie: Well you're a beaner towel.\nGeraldo: What did you say??\nScene Description: Oprah and two agents looks on from her office\nTowelie: I'm sorry. I'm high.\nAide 1: This looks pretty bad, Oprah.\nAide 2: Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing, and you've just spent two weeks supporting a lying racist towel.\nMingie: 'E did it, Gary! 'Eraldo got the proof!\nGary: Oprah's got egg all over her face! She'll have to retire!\nMingie: It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary. Without 'er career 'o worry about, Oprah's sure to travel the world! Enjoy the finer things in life! She'll spend hours just ... playin' with 'er own minge!\nGary: And her Gary too.\nMingie: Sure. And 'er Gary. We did it, mate!\nAide 2: Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do.\nOprah: What's the big deal? His book helped people. Why does it matter than he made some stuff up? Are people really going to be that mad?\nScene Description: A Marryot Hotel, outside, day. Towelie looks down at the crowd from his hotel window. A large group has signs calling hima LIAR and demanding that he be put on trial or punished. More signs demand refunds on the books the bearers bought.\nProtester 1: Your book got me to give up alcohol! But I thought you were a person!\nProtester 2: Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!\nLatino Protesters: ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye? ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?\nTowelie: Oh God, I'm really in trouble now. [his phone rings and he answers] Hello?\nOprah: Steven, it's Oprah. Can you come on my show again tomorrow?\nTowelie: Why?\nOprah: We need to tell the audience why you changed some of the facts in your book; that you thought it necessary to \"heighten\" certain things to make the book more relevant to people.\nTowelie: Hey yeah.\nOprah: Just come on the show and explain in a very level-headed way that changing some facts shouldn't matter if the book helps people, okay?\nTowelie: Okay. Thanks Oprah! You're a real friend.\nOprah: See you tomorrow.\nTowelie: All right, I got one chance here. I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say. [gets out his joint and lighter] Maybe I should get a little high. [stops himself] No! Wait a minute! I'm not going to get high this time. [closes his lighter]\nJoint: Aw, come on. You need to come up with ideas of what to say on Oprah.\nTowelie: But, the ideas I come up with when I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble.\nJoint: Yeah. That's why you should only get a little high.\nTowelie: Well, maybe just a little high. [lights up and starts tokin']\nScene Description: Oprah. Towelie returns for a second interview with her\nOprah: Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie, whose memoirs many of you purchased after I made it my Book of the Month Selection. [a sea of angry faces looks back at the stage]\nMingie: Ya hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!\nGary: Yeah! They're all right pissed off! This is great!\nOprah: Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven. It's Towelie, correct?\nTowelie: [sheepishly] Yeah.\nOprah: And you are a towel.\nTowelie: Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.\nOprah: Can you explain to the audience why you said you weren't a towel before?\nTowelie: Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh, woo dat all like... It's like...\nOprah: Was it that you thought embellishing the story was okay if it helped people?\nTowelie: Yeah. Yeah, that's it!\nOprah: Well you know what I think, Towelie? I think you're a LYING SACK OF SHIT! [the audience is a little shocked] You lied to all these people, and for what??!! To make money!! They bought your book thinking it was true!!\nMan 1: That's right!\nMan 2: Yeah.\nTowelie: But I thought you said-\nOprah: How DARE you like to me and make me look foolish?!\nMingie: What's this? What's she doin'?\nGary: I don't understand, Mingie.\nOprah: You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel?!\nMan 3: Yeah, you you get him, Oprah!\nAudience: Yeah!\nOprah: You will not get away with this!\nMingie: She's getting everyone back on er side! Oh, tha' clever cow!\nOprah: You lied to me, Towelie! And therefore you have lied to America! [stands up] We are going to rise up against you! [the audience cheers her on] Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?!\nAudience: Yeah!\nTowelie: Huh?\nOprah: Audience, if you look under your seats, you'll find your very own torches! [the audience members reach down under their seats and pull up the torches they find there]\nAudience: Whoa.\nGary: Minge, does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?\nMingie: There's not gonna be any Paris! Don't you get it, Gary?! The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again! She'll be workin' more than ever now! Our plan is ruined!\nGary: No!\nOprah: We'll give you a five-second headstart. [lights up her torch] One. Two. [throws away her lighter. Towelie hops off and starts running]\nTowelie: Hoooo!\nOprah: Let's get him! [turns right and chases him]\nWoman: Burn him! Burn the towel!\nMan 4: Burn that which lies to Oprah!\nScene Description: The Chicago streets. Towelie is running for his life, with Oprah and her audience in hot pursuit. Towelie rounds a corner and enters the First National Bank of Chicago. Towelie tries to get in, but finds he can't open the doors. Oprah and her audience quickly surround him at the doors.\nOprah: Looks like your time is up, Towelie! I've led my adoring fans RIGHT to you!\nMan 5: All right Oprah!\nOprah: I've shown my fans that... ugh! Ow! Wha?? [her pants rip open over her crotch and a handgun pops out]\nMingie: All right! Everyone back! Get back I said! [takes control of Oprah's body and turns her around. The fans cower]\nOprah: What the hell is this??!!\nMingie: [waves the gun around] Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!\nGary: Mingie, what're you doin'?\nMingie: Gettin' ou'a here Gary! One way or another! [a police officer shows up, gun at the ready]\nOprah: What is going on??!!\nMingie: [aims the gun at Oprah's head] Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow, or so help me I'll blow your brains out! [aims it at the police officer] I want a chooper! You got that?! And a jet waiting at the airport!\nGary: Mingie, have you lost your mind?\nMingie: Come on, Gary! You always said you wanted to see Paris!\nGary: Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!\nOfficer: [approaching cautiously, ready to fire his gun] All right, gig is up. Put down the gun!\nMingie: Stay back, mate!\nOfficer: Drop the gun and step away.\nMingie: I'm warnin' you!\nOfficer: [takes a few steps forward] Put it down, I said- [a gunshot hits him in the chest] Augh! [falls onto his knees] Gawhh [falls forward and dies]\nGary: Jesus Minge! You killed him! You shot him dead!\nMingie: No turnin' back now, Gary.\nGary: Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh.\nMingie: Oh keep your head, Gary.\nGary: I can't, uh... I'm goinna puke! [moments later he begins to puke]\nMingie: Ah, Gary, that smells awful! Now I'm gonna throw up! [moments later he begins to puke. Everyone is looking on in amazement. One of the fans begins to move slowly away from Oprah, but Mingie notices and aims the gun at him] Try to leave and I'll shoot you too! You hostages aren't goin' anywhere till we get what we want!\nMan 6: Oh my God, what are we goinna do?\nMan 7: You got us into this, towel. Think of somethin'!\nTowelie: All right, I'm gonna get a little high. [sets up to light the joint, but stops himself again] No! No I'm NOT gonna get high! Every time I get high, I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble. I'm not gettin' high this time!\nScene Description: HBC World News\nGeraldo: I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago, where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer and taken several people hostage. It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.\nSWAT officer 1: Got the walkie-talkie you asked for.\nMingie: Put it underneath me. [the SWAT officer bends down and place the walkie-talkie underneath Mingie] Slowly, mate, slowly! [the officer slides it in place] Now back off. [the officer backs away] All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button. [click] This is Oprah's minge!\nLt. Nelson: Hellow, I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?\nMingie: I want a chopper, and a jet waiting at the airport to take us to France! Plus we need some fresh knickers right away.\nLt. Nelson: All right, how about fresh underwear for one hostage.\nMingie: I'm not playing games with you, mate! Gary's drownin' in his own sick!\nLt. Nelson: All right, we'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish. [turns off the walkie talkie] We don't have any time; this is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to.\nSWAT officer 2: O'Reilly, you got a shot?\nO'Reilly: [from a nearby rooftop] I got it. [has his sights on Oprah's minge]\nLt. Nelson: [shifting gears] Not with those hostages so close! It's too risky!\nGary: Oh just put down the gun, Mingie. Maybe they'll go easy on us.\nMingie: Don't be stupid, Gary. I've got a policeman. They'll fry me, lock you up for life.\nGary: [emotional] Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared.\nMingie: We're gonna get out of here, mate. Just leave it to me.\nSWAT officer 3: Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning! Put down the gun!\nMingie: If that chopper isn't here in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage!\nTowelie: Hey wait a minute. [begins to move slowly, then quickly to the bank doors again. He thinks a moment, then slides in under the doors and stands up. He turns around and opens the doors] Pssst! [the hostages look and then move into the bank]\nMingie: I mean it! Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen! [the hostages run through the bank and out the back doors]\nSWAT officer 4: Hostages are clear!\nLt. Nelson: All right, that's it. Take it out! [O'Reilly shoots]\nOprah: AAAAaaah!\nMingie: What the? Haha! You missed me, you stewpid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!\nGary: [softly] Min... [louder] Mingie.\nMingie: Gary, what's, what's wrong?\nGary: They got me, Mingie.\nMingie: No... Oh no!\nGary: Aye. They got me bad. Oh, the blood.\nMingie: Try to hang on, Gary!\nGary: Ih... It's gettin' dark, Minge.\nMingie: Oh Gary! What have I gotten ya into?\nGary: I've seen muh life flash before me eyes. Mingie!\nMingie: I'm 'ere, Gary!\nGary: Where... where are we, Mingie? Are we in Paris?\nMingie: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.\nGary: Ahhh... Is it as wonderful as I 'oped?\nMingie: Ih, it's beautiful. We've finally made it!\nGary: Tell me what you see, Mingie.\nMingie: [getting emotional] Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre, right over there behind ya. And f-fresh baguettes all around.\nGary: Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie. At least I got to see Paris before I- [and no more is heard from him]\nMingie: Gary? Gary, say somethin'. [Gary craps his last, or maybe it's just a final fart] You killed him, you bastards! He didn't even want any part in this! This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day and now he's gone! Life ain't worth livin' any more! What's the use?! ...I'm comin' to see you, Gary! [the gun is cocked] I'm comin' to see ya!\nOprah: No! Don't! [the gun goes off. Moments later, Oprah is put on a gurney and wheeled over to a waiting ambulance, and rolled in]\nLt. Nelson: Oprah's going to be okay. Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.\nDetective: That's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank.\nMan 7: Yeah, it sure was. We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before.\nTowelie: Aw, that's okay. This whole thing was my fault. I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. I should come up with ideas and then get high, to reward myself. [whips out his joint and lighter]\nJoint: Youuu said it. [Towelie lights it up and chugs away]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary school gym, day. The student body is gathered there to hear from a guest speaker. Mr. Mackey is presiding.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today. Who can tell me the name of our country's last vice-president?\nKyle: Dick Cheney?\nMr. Mackey: No, the last one.\nButters: Bill Clinton.\nMr. Mackey: No, Clinton's vice-president. [no one has an answer] He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gore. [some applause. Al Gore arrives and Mr. Mackey steps away to one side]\nStan: Who?\nAl Gore: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. I'm talking of course about... [a projector comes on and a picture of a monster appears] ManBearPig. [a beast with the legs and tail of a pig, the body and arms of a bear, and the face and upper-body posture of a man]\nKyle: [softly, to Stan] ManBearPig? [Stan just turns his hands up and shrugs]\nAl Gore: It is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Garrison just look at each other.] But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say \"Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome.\" The end.\nMr. Mackey: [reappears and claps a little] Uhhh, ohhhkay, thank you Mr. Gore.\nAl Gore: Thank you, class. Excelsior! [Stan and Kyle just blink at each other]\nScene Description: South Park, evening. The boys are playing basketball in a neighborhood park. Cartman has possession of the ball.\nCartman: [giggles as he dribbles] Check out this sweet move. [tries to dribble around Kyle, but Kyle blocks him] Kyle, you can't block like that.\nKyle: Just play the game, fatass!\nStan: [open under the net] Pass it to me, Cartman?\nCartman: Hang on. I'm going to do something killer. [tries to fake Kyle out, but Kyle taps the ball away. Cartman goes after it] God damnit, stop it, Kyle!\nScene Description: Nearby, as the moon rises over the mountains, a shadow moves across the forest, its claws fairly visible.\nCartman: [tries again, moving Kyle back some] All right, check it out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do. [keeps dribbling without making a move]\nKyle: Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole! It's getting late!\nScene Description: The beast moves closer to some bushes, then stands up and sees the basketball court.\nCartman: Let's just see who gets the ball this time, Jewboy! [again tries to get by Kyle, but Kyle taps the ball away again. Cartman chases it down again.] Kyle, knock it off! [the beast breaks through the bushes and steps onto the basketball court. Cartman continues to dribble]\nStan: Cartman, stop hogging the goddamned ball!\nBeast: FOOD! [it's Al Gore in a homemade ManBearPig costume. The boys turn to see who it is] Don't worry, it's not really ManBearPig. It's me, Al Gore.\nKyle: We know. [several seconds of silence follow]\nCartman: Dude, what are you doing?\nAl Gore: I'm spreading ManBearPig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker. [Kyle looks at the sticker; the sticker has a \"ManBearPig\" crossed out by a red circle and bar, and the words \"We must all stop ManBearPig\" to the left of the ManBearPig] I hope now you boys see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the \"real\" ManBearPig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about ManBearPig?\nRandy: [waiting nearby in the family car] Uhh, Stan?\nStan: Oh, hey Dad.\nAl Gore: [turns around slowly and waves] Hello.\nRandy: [vigilant] It's ah, getting late, boys. Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home?\nKyle: Okay, Mr. Marsh. [the boys move towards the car]\nAl Gore: Be safe. [the boys get in the car and Randy drives off. Al Gore looks on as they leave, then turns around and walks off in the opposite direction]\nScene Description: Randy's car.\nRandy: Boys, I don't want you hanging out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay?\nStan: Aw, he's all right, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig.\nRandy: ManBearPig?\nKyle: He's half man and half bearpig.\nCartman: No, dude, he's half man and half bear and half pig.\nKyle: That doesn't make any sense.\nStan: He could be half bear, half manpig.\nRandy: Boys, there's no such thing as a ManBearPig. The vice president is just desperate for attention.\nStan: But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends.\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's fast asleep when his phone rings. Stan sits up and rubs his eyes, then hops off his bed and goes to answer the phone on his desk.\nStan: Hello?\nAl Gore: Hello, this is Al Gore.\nStan: [shuts his eyes and covers them with his left hand] Oh man... Hi Mr. Gore.\nAl Gore: I was the vice president.\nStan: I know.\nAl Gore: Can you and your friends make it to an emergency ManBearPig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area.\nStan: Eh look, I'm sorry but, we're all kind of busy.\nAl Gore: [several seconds of silence] Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either.\nStan: No, no, it's not that.\nAl Gore: Yes it is. Nobody believes me! [gets emotional] I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial! [begins weeping over the phone] I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once.\nStan: Ih it's okay, Mr. Gore, I, I believe you.\nAl Gore: No you don't.\nStan: Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him.\nAl Gore: Are you serial?\nStan: ...Yes, I'm serial.\nAl Gore: [reinvigorated] Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my ManBearPig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp! [hangs up]\nScene Description: A Komfort Inn, morning. The boys climb up to the second floor and walk to Room 2B.\nCartman: Dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy?\nKenny: (Yeah, I don't get it.)\nStan: Come on, you guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go. [the door opens and Al Gore greats the boys]\nAl Gore: Hi kids! Come on in! [the boys follow him in] Okay, let's get this meeting started. What do you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig?\nStan: Yyeah, you know, Mr. Gore, uh, my dad's a geologist, and he said that ManBearPig probably isn't in Colorado.\nAl Gore: [alerted, goes down on one knee] What does your dad look like?? Does he have large hooves where his feet should be??\nStan: NO.\nAl Gore: Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found him.\nStan: Well, this was a great meeting. Wasn't it, guys? But, we gotta get goin' to school now.\nAl Gore: [an alarm goes off nearby] Oh my God! [runs to his control center and leans back in his chair to look closely at his monitor. He begins to type quickly] ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind! [a map of Cave of the Winds is shown, with the target below the text blinking]\nKyle: Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds. It's a tourist attraction.\nAl Gore: Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away.\nCartman: Ah I don't think so, dude. [the boys head for the door]\nKyle: Yeah, we've got school anyway.\nAl Gore: I can get you all excused from school. [the boys stop in their tracks and turn around.]\nCartman: You... have that kind of power?\nAl Gore: Look! You boys have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial!\nScene Description: Wonderful Cave of the Winds, day, inside. A tour group gathers to embark on its tour.\nTour guide: Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado. [his head bobs as he sighs] Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore. [one or two people clap, and Gore smiles at the two ladies, one on either side of him] Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Aright, are we ready?\nGroup: Yeah.\nTour guide: Let's go cavin'. [turns on his headlight, opens the velvet rope and leads the group into the cave]\nScene Description: The tour.\nTour guide: Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West.\nAl Gore: Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately?\nTour guide: [to Al Gore] Ahh, no. [addressing the group] Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites. Water drips from the cave's...\nAl Gore: All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for ManBearPig droppings.\nKyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?\nAl Gore: Similar to pig droppings, but more manbearlike.\nTour guide: These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named \"The Hanging Mushroom.\" [a solid stalactite in the shape of a penis] And over here we have \"Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls.\" [a massive stalagmite, again in the shape of a penis and two large testicles] And finally, of course, the \"Two Sisters.\" [two smaller stalagmites, each the shape of a penis and testicles] Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees.\nAl Gore: Groan! Groan! [this stops the tour and everyone turns to face him]\nTour guide: Sir? Mr. Gore? Is there a problem?\nAl Gore: Not yet.\nTour guide: All right, everyone, if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name. [the group moves forward]\nAl Gore: [looks at an opening and motions the kids over] Kids! Kids, over here! Look.\nKyle: What?\nAl Gore: I bet this is where he's hiding. [shines his light around] This looks like ManBearPig Central. Come on! [goes down the path he found] Come on! This is where ManBearPig is! I'm serial! [the boys follow him down the path. They have officially broken from the group.]\nTour guide: In certain areas of the cave, the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear. [the cave begins to howl]\nGroup: Wow...\nWoman: Take a picture of the sound, Steven. [her husband takes the picture.]\nScene Description: Al Gore's path.\nStan: Mr. Gore, I I think we should stay with the tour group.\nAl Gore: [hearing the wind] Wait! Shhh. [concludes] Christ! He's here! Take this rope! [hands some rope to Stan] Be ready to tie him up! [brings out a shotgun] I've got you now, you son of a bitch! [begins shooting randomly, and bits of the cave ceiling begin falling]\nKyle: What are you doing?! [bigger chunks of cave fall between Al Gore and the boys]\nStan: Oh no!\nAl Gore: No!\nThe boys: Aaaah! [the boys are now sealed off from Al Gore. Gore turns around and assumes the worst]\nAl Gore: Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig!\nThe boys: Help!\nAl Gore: Damn you ManBearPig! They're just children!\nScene Description: The tour. Chunks of cave begin falling along its path as well, and the tour guide takes appropriate action.\nTour guide: O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now! [the group turns around and runs back towards the entrance. The collapse follows the group] Go! Go! Go out, now! [the last person out of the cave is Al Gore, and the cave entrance is sealed shut by the collapse of the cave ceiling]\nScene Description: The inner collapse.\nKyle: Hello?\nStan: Help!\nKyle: We're trapped in here!\nCartman: Somebody get us some help down hyah!\nKyle: Hello, help!\nCartman: Hello??\nKenny: (Hello!)\nStan: Help!\nKyle: Forget it! They can't hear us!\nKenny: (What are we gonna do??)\nCartman: [pointing at Stan] You'd better get us out of here, asshole!\nStan: [faces Cartman] Me??\nCartman: You just had to go and be nice to Al Gore! Now we're trapped in a cave!\nStan: Maybe there's another way out of here.\nKenny: (Oh, no kidding.)\nKyle: A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction. [the boys split up. Kyle climbs along a pile of boulders] Oh man, we're in big trouble here.\nCartman: [scrambling along his own path] This is... bullcrap! If I'm thin- I'm gonna be so... pissed off! [loses his footing and slides down some distance to the floor. He gets up and coughs from all the dust that went up around him] Goddammit! [reaches down and grabs his flashlight. He slaps it until it comes back on, coughs, and looks ahead. His eyes grow big. Before him is \"Smuggler's Den,\" a corner of the cave in which sits an open treasure chest and two skeletons guarding it. Gold and jewelry are in and around the chest, while the skeletons have guns in their hands. Cartman approaches slowly, in awe]\nKyle: You see anything, Kenny??\nKenny: (No, nothing!) [Cartman is frozen, speechless]\nKyle: Cartman?? Cartman, you see anything??\nCartman: [in a soft, trembling voice] No, nothing [clears his throat and speaks normally] No, nothing here! Nothing this way! [his eyes fixed on the look, he swoons] Tr... treasure.\nKyle: Cartman, you okay?? [Cartman snaps out of it] You need help??\nCartman: I'm fine! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now! [turns to head back to the other boys, but turns around one last time to remember where the treasure is, then heads back to his friends.]\nKyle: It looks like we're completely sealed in.\nKenny: (Yeah, No shit.)\nStan: [returning] There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep. [Cartman arrives]\nKyle: Maybe we should go for it.\nCartman: You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out. [the other three boys turn to face him]\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: I just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down.\nStan: Cartman's right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued.\nCartman: No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead.\nKyle: No, we'll stay here too. If we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. Let's just wait here and hope help comes soon.\nCartman: That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there [points to his last location] if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump.\nKyle: Aw, dude! [lifts his jacket over his nose.]\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. Rescue personnel have arrived and make their way towards the cave entrance. the tour guide demonstrates on a map what happened.\nMiner 1: The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area. [circles with his index finger an area on the right side of the map]\nMiner 2: Does anybody know who these kids are?\nMiner 1: No, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. Digging to them is going to take days.\nAl Gore: [arrives, interrupting] Excuse me, Excuse me. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am super... duper... serial!\nMiner 1: What do you mean? The cave-in is over.\nAl Gore: I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in.\nMiner 1: What's that? [Gore whips out a drawing of ManBearPig]\nFireman: What is that, a pigbearman?\nAl Gore: No, stupid! It's ManBearPig!\nScene Description: Back at the inner collapse.\nStan: I'm sooo hungry. Do you think people even know we're here?\nKyle: They saw us on the tour. [Cartman comes back from the den] Dude, where do you keep going, Cartman?\nCartman: I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad.\nKyle: Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes!\nStan: Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow.\nScene Description: Sleep time at the inner cave-in. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sleep. Cartman sits alone, smiling.\nCartman: [softly throughout] All that treasure. [gets excited] It's all mine! [gets angry] So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it! [looks at the other boys] You would all just looove to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! God, I hate you guys! [begins to crawl towards Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass! [reaches Kyle so that his face is smiling evilly down at Kyle's face. He whispers] Well I have news for you, Kyle! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. [Kyle stirs and wakes up]\nKyle: C-Cartman?\nCartman: [says nothing for a few seconds, then] Oh. Hey Kyle. How's it goin'?\nKyle: Dude, what are you doing?\nCartman: Not much. You know, just hangin' out. How've you been, man? Good?\nKyle: Dude, get away from me!\nCartman: Yeah. It's nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around. [gets off Kyle]\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel - rangers, firefighters, and paramedics - return to their work.\nAl Gore: [whining, stamps his right foot when saying \"serial\"] Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial!\nMiner 3: Mr. Gore, please, we need you to calm down. Now, w-what exactly do you suggest we do?\nAl Gore: I told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure ManBearPig never comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging!\nMiner 3: Well, see, the problem is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those boys too.\nAl Gore: They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a ManBearPig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super serial! Nobody will listen to me but I'm serial! [begins to weep]\nPolice officer: Do you want me to get the ex vice president out of here?\nMiner 2: Naw, I f- I feel kind of bad for him. I don't think he has any friends.\nScene Description: Smuggler's Den, some time later. Cartman makes his way to it again with a bottle of water in his right hand. He heads straight for the treasure and cackles softly, then stops.\nCartman: [determined] All right. Gotta be strong. [looks at the coins in his hands] There's still a lot more treasure to go. [begins to swallow the coins and wash them down with \"WOTTUR.\" He soon runs into some difficulty swallowing and drinking, so it seems like he's puking. The other three boys are awake and listening with concern]\nStan: Dude, he's really sick. [Cartman has moved on to swallowing necklaces and loose gemstones]\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The media have gotten wind of the story, so an HBC reporting crew has joined the rescue personnel.\nHBC reporter: It's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow.\nMiner 1: All right, people, we've gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den.\nRanger: Smuggler's Den?\nTour guide: Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see? [holds up a picture of two kids standing in front of the treasure]\nMiner 1: Based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put.\nScene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan is asleep and Kyle goes to wake him.\nKyle: Stan! Stan, wake up!\nStan: [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Huh? What? Have they come for us?\nKyle: No, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him. [moves off, and Stan follows. Stan shines his light on Cartman, who's now overstuffed with the treasure he's been swallowing. Kenny holds the water bottle Cartman was drinking from]\nCartman: Meh, meuh urgh. [coughs] Mbeuh.\nStan: Oh my God. [runs up to Cartman] Cartman? Dude, can you hear me?\nCartman: [cough] I'm fahn. Just a lit- [gulp] No big deal. [burps] Beh.\nKyle: [taps Stan and takes him aside] We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die.\nStan: How, dude? We c- we don't even know if that passage I found goes anywhere.\nKyle: Maybe we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him.\nCartman: NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die. [coughs]\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue mission continues.\nScene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan, Kyle and Kenny have climbed out and have wrapped Cartman up to hoist him out. Cartman coughs as he rises to the top. The boys are pulling with all their might.\nKyle: Come on come on! Pull!\nStan: Goddamnit, he's soo heavy!\nCartman: Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here. [grunts, and a fart comes out. His face lights up in alarm]\nKyle: What the hell is that??\nStan: Cartman?\nCartman: You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!! [the boys pull again.]\nScene Description: A river nearby. A crane approaches the river with a hoist full of boulders. Al Gore is manning the crane, moving levers here and there, positioning the hoist.\nAl Gore: This is the end of you, ManBearPig. [releases the boulders onto the river, and the water is diverted towards the cave] Excelsior!\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel stare as they notice water flooding towards the cave entrance. The water enters the cave\nKenny: (We're almost there!)\nStan: [exhausted] I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength!\nCartman: Yes you do! [something drops, and the roar of flooding water is heard]\nKyle: What the hell is that? [the boys turn quickly to see where the sound is coming from, and the wave of water appears. Cartman coughs again. The water rises towards them.] Oh my God. [the boys back up]\nCartman: No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys!\nKyle: Ruuun! [the boys turn and run from the advancing water, but it overtakes them, sweeping them along]\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The flash flood stops all activity.\nMiner 1: That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do!\nFireman 2: You're calling off the rescue?\nMiner 1: We didn't plan on a freak river flood. God must really want those kids dead.\nFireman 2: Well what if the children aren't dead?\nMiner 1: Look, the cavern is completely flooded. Nothing could have survived. There's nothing left alive down there. [the guide and fireman turn right and walk past Al Gore]\nAl Gore: [softly] Nothing left alive... [grins] I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction. Everyone is super-stoked on me, even if they don't know it.\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, inside. The boys have been swept into a newly-made lake. Stan is the first to pop up out of the water. He swims to a nearby bank and holds on to a boulder. Kenny pops up next to him.\nStan: Kenny! Here, take my hand! [Kenny does so and makes it to safety. A change of POV shows Kyle hauling Cartman] Hurry Kyle, the water's rising!\nCartman: Grab my hand.\nKyle: Car... Cartman! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs!\nCartman: I can't kick!\nKyle: Yes you can!\nCartman: I can't! Kick yourself back to safety!\nKyle: I need your help!\nCartman: No, you just have to save me. [Cartman stops and begins to drop down to the bottom, taking Kyle with him]\nStan: Kyle! No!\nScene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The music indicates a funeral, and it is so. Al Gore is at the podium giving a eulogy.\nAl Gore: We are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But where there is loss, there is hope. For ManBearPig is no more.\nTour guide: Oh Jesus, here we go again. [the mourners hold candles with little paper guards over their hands]\nAl Gore: I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, and of course, Kid 4. [off to the mourners' left, some rocks move and give way to a new opening] I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play. [a tour guide notices and watches. The rocks move some more and Stan appears] And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him.\nStan: Agh.\nMiner 4: [jumps out of his seat and stands up] Oh my God! [\"Kid 4 was filled with hope and ... terrorism when...\" Stan and Kyle work to pull Cartman out, but it's hard]\nMiner 1: It's the kids! [everyone rises and runs towards the boys]\nMiner 4: They're alive! [all four of them are out now]\nAl Gore: [walks up to the boys] Kids! I saved you!\nStan: Just stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!!\nAl Gore: [undaunted] Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser. [grins. Cartman starts to groan]\nKyle: We need to get our friend to a hospital right away!\nCartman: No! No I'm fine! [begins to walk with difficulty] I just need to get home, a-and rest.\nStan: Cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor.\nCartman: [leaving] Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I... [stops] habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH! [his pants rip open in the rear and much of the treasure he had swallowed comes flying out of his body. Then he farts. A long silence follows as everyone looks at him and at the fake treasure he just pooped out]\nKyle: Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?\nCartman: It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!\nTour Guide 2: Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.\nCartman: That's right, and I... [looks at the tour guide] Fake treasure?\nTour Guide 2: Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars.\nCartman: Noo... NOOO!! [craps out some more treasure] NOO! OW!\nKyle: You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!\nCartman: Don't you think I'm hurting enough, Kyle?! Ah, ow!! [craps out even more fake treasure] Dowww!\nAl Gore: [now wearing a cape, loosely] Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super-serial. [runs off in superhero pose]\nCartman: Eh! [a gold-colored vase pops out of his ass]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's at his desk with Liane and Eric facing him\nMr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!\nLiane: Eric, why would you do such a thing?\nCartman: I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.\nMr. Mackey: You know that's not the point!\nCartman: Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.\nLiane: That's very naughty, Eric.\nCartman: Well he called me chubby!\nMr. Mackey: We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home!\nLiane: [agreeing] I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like. [reaches into her purse, pulls out a napkin and cries into it] I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day. [crying through her words] He just never listens.\nCartman: Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry!\nLiane: It's not him, it's you, Eric. [Cartman's anger vanishes] I don't know what to do with you.\nCartman: Sure you do. You're a great mom.Who's got the greatest mom in the world?I dooo.My mom is number one in my heart.It's true!\nLiane and Eric: My mom's the best mom, better than your mom.It's singing together in harmony.\nMr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911?\nScene Description: Nanny 911 clips.\nAnnouncer: They're every parent's worst nightmare. [Two boys are in a bedroom. The older boy jumps around on the bed and throws a blue pillow at the younger one, the younger one cries, gets up, and throws the pillow back at him.]\nGirl: [in the bathroom with her father] Shut up! I hate you! I hate you! [runs away. Her father cries]\nAnnouncer: Kids completely out of control. [a boy is at the dining table at home, next to a bowl of spaghetti. He picks up the bowl, turns it over, dumps the spaghetti to the floor, and wears the bowl as a hat]\nBoy: [drops to the floor and slides around in the spaghetti] Look, I'm skating, I'm skating!\nAnnouncer: It's time to call Nanny 911. [a silhouetted nanny walks in from the left and into the show's coats of arms. Next shot is a camera zooming into NANNY CENTRAL. Inside the manor the nannies are shown: Nanny Stella, Nanny Deb, Nanny Yvonne, and Nanny Skexis] We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis. [five kids are on a living room sofa. One kid dances around, another repeatedly bangs an object on the floor, two others throw stuff to the floor] Parents of America, help is on the way! [Cartman is shown finger-painting] Tonight...\nCartman: [grabs a can of Red Bull. Several more cans are scattered around, and one of them has tipped over and spilled some drink] Mom, I need another energy drink! [tosses a can away. Next shot, he's in the tub taking a bath and farts. Next shot, he has finished off the tacos his mom served him and takes one of hers without permission.]\nAnnouncer: This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave.\nCartman: [from his days supporting Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ: pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts]\nAnnouncer: And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight. [Stella, a stout blonde, walks toward Cartman's house, and people take second looks at her. She approaches Cartman's front door]\nStella: It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore! [knocks on the door. Inside, Cartman is playing a video game. Stella knocks again]\nCartman: Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door!\nLiane: [walks by] Yes. I think it's the nanny, poopsiekins.\nCartman: Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now. [burps]\nStella: [Liane answers the door] Hello. I'm Nanny Stella.\nLiane: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in. [shows Stella in. Stella walks up to Cartman]\nStella: And you must be Eric.\nCartman: Mom, I want a Twinkie.\nLiane: All, all right dear. [starts walking, but Stella stops her]\nStella: Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done.\nCartman: [glances up at her] Ha! Hahahahahaha!\nStella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.\nCartman: [mocking her British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.\nStella: Right. Then I'm going to have to take it. [takes away the controller, then unplugs and gathers up the rest of the game console]\nCartman: The hell do you think you're doing?\nStella: Come on. [leads Liane and Cartman into the kitchen and sets the console down] This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed. [She walks off. Eric simply grabs the console and heads back to the living room, and she returns] Eric, no! This is not acceptable! [takes the console and sets it back on counter]\nCartman: Stop trying to bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!\nStella: All right, that's it! [grabs his hand] You're going to time-out! [leads him away]\nCartman: Time out?\nStella: [takes him to a stool and places him on it as Liane watches] Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes.\nCartman: [glances down and thinks] And what exactly keeps me on the stool?\nStella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.\nCartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that? [walks off to get his X-Box]\nStella: Eric, you have to stay in time-out!\nCartman: Ummm, no?\nStella: [approaches him, takes his hands off the console, and takes him back to the stool] Come on, you don't have a choice.\nCartman: All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now.\nStella: [genuflects and addresses him firmly] Eric, you need to listen to me. [to Liane] This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level. [to Eric] Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right?\nCartman: I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move.\nStella: Well then, I'll just have to stand right here! [Cartman snorts inward, gathering up a wad of mucus and saliva and spitting it at Stella's mouth] Oh! [Cartman hops off and walks toward his X-Box] He spit in my mouth!\nLiane: Yeah, it's best to avoid his level.\nStella: All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him!\nCartman: [hooks up the X-Box again] Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.\nStella: [genuflects behind him and embraces him] Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry?\nCartman: Because you took my Xbox.\nStella: Is this about more than your video game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life?\nCartman: Well, yeah.\nStella: And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live.\nCartman: Yeah. I guess so.\nStella: [to Liane] See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric?\nCartman: Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny.\nStella: Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you.\nCartman: Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy?\nStella: Oh, I just never had kids.\nCartman: Why not?\nStella: It... just... didn't happen.\nCartman: You're sterile, is that it? [she releases him, taken aback by that question] No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? [her jaw drops] Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.\nStella: Why you, you... [stands up] you little bastard! How dare you?!\nLiane: Eric, naughty.\nStella: What kind of [picks him up by the collar] monster would-\nCartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile! [Stella drops him and steps back a bit]\nStella: That's it! [walks up to the camera] I'm not doing this!\nLiane: Oh, but we really need some help. [Stella steps back to talk to Liane]\nStella: Find yourself another nanny... television show!\nScene Description: Next nanny show: A British flag, then a smiling nanny, then the nanny next to a British phone, with three kids next to her, then an early limousine pulls up and she gets inside it, then an American flag appears, then she's having dinner with an American family. Last scene is a montage of children she's dealt with over the length of her career\nAnnouncer: Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through. [a parasol appears in her hand, then the camera pulls back to show three child silhouettes on either side of her. The silhouettes jump up and down]\nScene Description: The Super Nanny's limo rolls up to Cartman's house. In the back seat, she's holding up a portable DVD player. A scene of Nanny 911 is playing: Stella taking the X-Box from Cartman after they enter the kitchen\nJo: This child's behavior is totally unacceptable!\nScene Description: Cartman's front door. Jo walks up and knocks\nJo: Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman.\nScene Description: Three days later, Slater-Carey Mental Hospital. Inside, a doctor is walking down the hall with Liane\nDoctor: I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.\nLiane: What do you mean?\nDoctor: I mean, [looks into the nanny's room, 23A] she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement. [Liane looks inside through a window. Jo is glued to her toilet seat, eating her own shit.]\nJo: [through mouthfuls of poop] From heeell! It's from heeell!\nLiane: Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television.\nDoctor: Well there... is... one more show you could still try.\nScene Description: Dog Whisperer title screen. First scene: two dog owners try to keep their angry dogs away from each other. Second scene, a Chihuahua tries to keep a lampshade his owner is trying to take from him. Next, a man runs through a meadow with four dogs. Next, he's skating down a city street with six dogs on leashes pulling him along. Next, he's training a dog at poolside. Next, he's handling a terribly agitated dog. Next, he's running along a shore with the six dogs he had on leashes earlier, now unleashed. Next, he's giving a dog's leash to its female dog owner. Finally, a montage of silhouettes with Cesar and a bunch of dogs\nAnnouncer: When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan.\nCesar: No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, day. Cesar approaches the front door and knocks. Liane answers\nLiane: Please, come in.\nScene Description: The living room. Cesar walks in and quickly ignores Cartman\nCesar: So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child?\nLiane: Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life.\nCesar: So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house.\nCartman: You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake.\nCesar: See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him.\nCartman: Not interested in me?\nCesar: See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you.\nCartman: Yeah, well I don't see why-\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Hey!\nCesar: Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation.\nCartman: Mom, this guy doesn't-\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Ah! Quit it!\nLiane: What what is it that you're doing?\nCesar: Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant.\nCartman: Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can-\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: KNOCK IT OFF!\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response.\nLiane: Oh, that's very interesting.\nCesar: I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that-\nCartman: I'm not fat!\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son?\nLiane: Well, no, I don't.\nCesar: Go on, take your son for a walk.\nScene Description: Outside. Cesar and Liane are walking along, with Cesar holding Cartman on a leash and harness\nCartman: Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch?\nCesar: See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along.\nCartman: Mom, this is degrading!\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh! [begins to strain the leash, but can't get loose. He struggles to escape]\nCesar: Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon. [Cartman tries to get loose from the leash, but Cesar reins him back every time. Cartman starts getting tired.]\nCartman: Maaaa. Mommm. [getting hoarse] Mommm.\nCesar: Here, why don't you try it now? Take your son. [Liane takes the leash and Cartman goes to her left side]\nCartman: Mom, seriously, people are seeing me!\nCesar: Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The child can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you.\nCartman: Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now?\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cesar is pleased]\nCartman: Mom!\nCesar: Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good!\nScene Description: The Dog Whisperer, back to the show.\nAnnouncer: And now, back to the Dog Whisperer.\nScene Description: Cesar is in the living room talking with Liane. A bag sits on the floor to his left.\nCesar: It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader.\nCartman: [on the sofa to Liane's left] God dammit stop ignoring me!\nCesar: You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy.\nLiane: Ahall right.\nCartman: This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention!\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Quit it, mom!\nLiane: It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it.\nCesar: Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken. [pulls a bucket of chicken out of the bag. He and Liane walk away from the sofa]\nCartman: Ooo, Colonel?\nCesar: I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does. [Cartman hops down from the sofa and goes to the bucket]\nCartman: Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken.\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken!\nCesar: I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken. [hands the bucket to Liane]\nCartman: Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom!\nCesar: We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior.\nCartman: [to Cesar] Goddammit, I am not a dog! [turns to Liane and hops up and down like an excited dog] Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken! [gets shrill] Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken!\nCesar: [observing Cartman] We need him to become relaxed and submissive.\nCartman: Gih- [quiets down] Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please?\nLiane: Oh, very good, sweetie.\nCesar: Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant.\nCartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!\nCesar: See?\nCartman: Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me! [to Liane] Now hand it over!\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: You can't do that to me, I-\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman sits on the floor]\nCartman: Goddamnit, you just can't-\nCesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is on his back]\nCartman: Seriously! Ey? Eh... [he's now fully on his back, calm]\nCesar: I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant.\nLiane: Wow, I have a lot to learn.\nCartman: [sits up, then stands] Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken! [Liane ignores him by looking up and away] That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine! [goes upstairs] I hate you! I'm running away!\nLiane: Oh dear. [Cartman's bedroom door closes]\nCesar: It's okay, this is all part of the dominance struggle.\nLiane: But what if he does run away?\nCesar: Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby. [they walk toward the kitchen]\nScene Description: Stan's living room, later. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are playing Monopoly.\nButters: [his turn] Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich! [he and the dealer Stan exchange money through Kyle. Cartman enters]\nCartman: Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs as Kyle takes his turn] I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.\nStan: [takes his turn] You can't stay here.\nCartman: Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street!\nKyle: You're not staying at my house either.\nCartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.\nButters: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.\nCartman: Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?! [Kenny takes his turn] His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people! [play continues] All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.\nKenny: (Fuck you.)\nCartman: Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! [Butters takes his turn] Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead! [walks out and shuts the front door]\nButters: [taking his turn] Whoopie! G and R Railroad!\nScene Description: Jimmy's house. The doorbell rings and Jimmy walks over to answer the door. He opens it and sees Cartman there.\nCartman: Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.\nJimmy: Who is your best friend?\nCartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other.\nJimmy: What's my last name?\nCartman: [tries to answer, but can't, so he leaves in a huff] Goddammit! [knocks on another door and Craig answers] Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets.\nCraig: ...But I hate you.\nCartman: ...Should that really matter at a time like this?\nScene Description: An alley in downtown South Park, during a rainy moment. Cartman sits next to a trash bin, shielding himself from the rain with some newspaper and some other sheets\nCartman: This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen making a calligraphic painting. The front door closes and Cartman appears\nCartman: All right, I'm back.\nLiane: Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home.\nCartman: Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here.\nLiane: Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was.\nCartman: That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat.\nLiane: Cesar...\nCesar: How is the painting going?\nCartman: Aw, Goddammit!\nCesar: Oh look, it came back.\nLiane: Yup, just like you said he would.\nCartman: What is he still doing here?!\nLiane: He said he's hungry. What should I do?\nCesar: Well, let's feed it.\nScene Description: An hour or so later, they're seated at the dining room table for dinner\nCartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!\nCesar: This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it.\nCartman: Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services! [gets off and walks to the phone]\nCesar: Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do?\nLiane: Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?!\nCesar: Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate! [they walk up to Cartman, who's ready to dial]\nCartman: Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you!\nCesar: You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it.\nCartman: I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to-\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th-\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman drops the receiver and sits on the floor]\nCartman: Seriously! Mom-\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Seriously! Why are you... doing this-?\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is flat on his back]\nCartman: Mom?!\nLiane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.\nCartman: Mom? Mom...\nLiane: [makes sure Cartman is relaxed, then stands up and turns to Cesar] I did it! [smiles. Cartman doesn't move]\nScene Description: The living room, moments later. Cesar is back on a chair as Liane sits on the sofa\nCesar: You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control. [Cartman walks by, looking defeated, glances at Cesar, then at his mom, then sits by his mom on the sofa and cuddles up to her, a little warily]\nLiane: Oh... Oh my gosh!\nCesar: See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state.\nLiane: He's never done this before.\nCesar: Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention.\nLiane: I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine. [Cartman sniffs]\nCesar: Now you can give him a snack. [Liane offers Cartman a chunk of candy, which Cartman laps up like a dog] Good, this is really good. Now try a command.\nLiane: Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed. [Cartman doesn't do anything at first, then he hops off the sofa and heads for his room, head down] Oh my goodness. I can't believe it.\nCesar: This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now.\nLiane: I am the pack leader! [grins]\nCesar: Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea.\nLiane: Sounds divine!\nScene Description: The bathroom. Cartman goes in to brush his teeth.\nCartman: Who does she think she is, telling me to go brush my teeth?! [despite his indignation, he looks compeled to follow orders. He gets up on the stool, gets the toothbrush, turns on the cold water, and gets the toothpaste] Jesus. What's happening to me?\nScene Description: Café Monet, day. Cesar and Liane wait to be served as a waiter attends other tables al fresco\nCesar: So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman?\nLiane: Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him.\nCesar: That's greeat!\nLiane: The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before.\nCesar: Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend.\nLiane: There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child.\nCesar: Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality.\nLiane: Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life. [places her left hand on his right one - closeup shot]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, later. The boys have gathered there to play video games. Cartman enters, wearing a blue shirt and combed hair. He looks thinner\nCartman: Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom.\nButters: Kill your mom?\nCartman: She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes.\nStan: Dude, have you lost more weight?\nCartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out.\nKyle: Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool.\nCartman: She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?! [rushes away and gets an easel with some schematics on it] All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. [the plan includes blaming Token for the murder] You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom.\nStan: Dude, we're not killing your mom.\nCartman: Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face.\nStan: Where am I supposed to get a gun?\nCartman: Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?!\nStan: I'm not shooting anybody.\nCartman: Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face.\nKyle: NO, Cartman!\nCartman: Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?! [the boys ignore him. He gets pissed off and walks away with the easel] Fine! I'll do it by myself!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night, the master bedroom. Liane is sleeping in her bed. The door cracks open and light enters the room. A silhouette of Cartman and a sharp object rises from the floor. Cartman walks in with a roll of paper towels in his left hand and a large kitchen knife in his right hand. He climbs the bed and stands over her.\nCartman: You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son. [Liane moves a bit] You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore! [he moves the knife to a stabbing position] Goodbye, Mother. [about to deliver the fatal stab, he trembles for a few seconds, but his conscience gets a hold of him. Cartman relaxes a bit]\nCartman's conscience: Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom.\nCartman: [shakes it off] No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want!\nCartman's good side: She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being.\nCartman: She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being.\nCartman's bad side: No, she's just... out to make you suffer!\nCartman: Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe...\nCartman's good side: The world doesn't revolve around me?\nCartman: [hops off the bed, dropping the knife and roll of paper as he heads for the door] Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me. [stops and vomits some pretty black stuff. Could be the evil in him]\nCartman's good side: The world doesn't revolve around me!\nCartman's bad side: Idiot! [Cartman pounds the floor and gets up. For a moment he turns into a snowy screen, then into a red silhouette, snowy screen, back and forth as he fights his sides leaving his mom's room and going to his. At his door he turns into a blob, which is added to the silhouette and screen effects until he passes out in the hallway]\nScene Description: Morning at the Cartman house. Liane has showered and dressed, and enters the room with the knife and roll of paper towels Cartman left in her room the night before. She's wondering how they got there. She might have asked Cartman how they got into her room, but she's more shocked by what she sees next. Cartman is at the table doing his math homework and eating breakfast at the same time, quietly\nLiane: Why Eric, you made your own breakfast.\nCartman: Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean ham.\nLiane: And you're studying before school?\nCartman: Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started.\nLiane: [a tear escapes her left eye] Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you.\nCartman: Tha... thank you?\nLiane: I love you, sweetie.\nCartman: 'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez. [the doorbell rings and Liane goes to answer the door]\nLiane: Cesar. I'm so happy you're back.\nCesar: How is the child doing?\nLiane: Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son.\nCesar: That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too.\nLiane: You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night.\nCesar: Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles.\nLiane: Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends.\nCesar: No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go. [turns around and walks away. Cartman shows up soon after]\nCartman: I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now. [waits a bit, then turns to go to his room. Liane turns around]\nLiane: Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night?\nCartman: No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then.\nLiane: Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward? [Cartman blinks, Liane genuflects] And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger.\nCartman: Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers?\nLiane: [hugs him] Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want. [A beatific smile appears on Cartman's face as foreboding music plays.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Scenes from the World of Warcraft are shown. Various beings mill around. The camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf walks into view.\nCartman: [as the dwarf, with mallet] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey-where are you guys?\nKyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart. [POV switches to three other characters - a blue knight, a green lady, and an orange knight stand around waiting for the dwarf. The dwarf walks into the group]\nCartman: Okay, I'm back.\nStan: [the blue knight, with sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!\nCartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!\nKyle: [the green lady with big breasts] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!\nCartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!\nKenny: [orange knight] [mumbles, then] (I think Kyle has fake titties, hahahaha)\nCartman: Heheh, totally, heheh.\nKyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven. [walks off, and the others follow]\nRandy: [voice only] Stan? [Stan stops] Stan?\nStan: H-hang on, guys, my dad wants something.\nRandy: Stan!\nScene Description: Randy's den. Stan removes his headset and furiously glares at Randy.\nStan: What?!\nRandy: [displeased] You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?\nStan: [swivels around to face his dad] I am socializing, r-tard. I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world, and getting XP with my party using TeamSpeak.\nRandy: [stares, then gets dejected] ...I'm not a r-tard. [turns and leaves. Stan returns to his game]\nScene Description: World of Warcraft, the land of Azeroth.\nStan: All right, sorry guys. So where to now?\nKyle: See where I am? It's this way. [Stan joins the group. Kyle's character turns around, realizes its mistake, and jumps back around]\nCartman: Yeah, come on, let's go! [the four now walk abreast] I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!\nKyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now.\nCartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.\nStan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's that guy again! [a player approaches them and begins to dance. The character is wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves, and tight shorts. No shirt, no other armor]\nKyle: Who is this?\nStan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!\nCartman: Get out of here, asshole!\nStan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.\nKyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel. [the ganker jabs at Kenny, who immediately dies.]\nStan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny!\nKyle: [in a soft feminine voice, makes a fist and holds it up for emphasis] You bastard! [the ganker stabs Kyle and then Stan, who both drop and die]\nCartman: Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?! [the ganker begins generating power] No! I don't want them to start over at the graveyard! [the ganker shoots a fireball at Cartman] No! [the fireball hits and Cartman falls face down and dies.]\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman looks stunned, then throws down his headset\nCartman: That son of a bitch!\nScene Description: Gerald's den.\nKyle: Who is that guy?\nScene Description: Randy's den.\nStan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.\nScene Description: The rogue's apartment. The rogue is actually an obese man who's taken to leaning back and playing WoW. Empty soda cans and candy wrappers litter his pad. A red glow emanates from his computer through a clear side panel. He continues playing while adjusting his glasses\nScene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, day, exterior. Lovely architecture.\nScene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, interior. A pool of telephone representatives fields incoming calls.\nRep: [female] World of Warcraft support line.\nStan: Yeah, we bought your game, and played it online, but every time we log in, some other player comes in and kills us!\nRep: O..ohhh that shouldn't happen. We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel before they can kill each other.\nStan: Yeah? Well this guy does it anyway!\nCartman: He's a God damned butthole!\nRep: Really? That's odd. [her co-worker approaches. She muffles the mic to talk to him] More people calling in about their characters getting killed. [removes her hand]\nCo-Worker: Oh no.\nRep: Well, we'll certainly keep a look out for that player and ban him from the network. [She muffles the mic] Better tell the guys upstairs.\nScene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, executive boardroom.\nPresident: Fellow board members, we have a problem: somebody in the World of Warcraft is ignoring the World's rules...and is going around killing innocent players..\nMember 1: Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests.\nMember 2: We've got to delete him from the servers.\nPresident: We can't. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft so much, that he has reached a level we thought unreachable. He's actually able to kill our admins. And he grows stronger every day.\nMember 3: Jesus...\nJim: [rises from his chair] I've gotta get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!\nPresident: Jim, your kids' characters are already dead.\nJim: No... [sinks back into his seat] No... [frustrated] They just started playing!\nMember 2: What kind of person would do this?\nPresident: [walks back to the end of the table, by the doors] Only one kind. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who...has absolutely no life.\nMember 3: How do you kill...that which has no life? [the question hangs there for a long time...]\nScene Description: USGS. Randy is working in a much better environment now - much more modern office, with several LCD screens around. Randy is online\nNelson: [walks into view] Randy, you workin' on that sediment analysis?\nRandy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of night elves and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together.\nNelson: [walks up to Randy's desk] Is that a computer game?\nRandy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. [he moves his blond character around] I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see? [demonstrates.] \"Hello.\" [the character waves back] In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Falcorn, Defender of the Alliance. I've braved the Fargodeep mine and defeated the Bloodfish at Jarod's Landing. [the griefer returns and stabs Falcorn in the back, killing him, then walks away]\nNelson: Hm. Looks like that guy just killed you. [turns around and walks away]\nRandy: What?? Why?? Why?!\nScene Description: Cartman's basement. Most of the boys in class are seated in chairs, listening to Cartman. In the back row are Tweek, Jimmy, Kevin, and Jason. In the middle row are Clyde, Token, Butters, and Timmy. In the front row are Craig, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.\nCartman: My friends: as you all know, some giant butthole keeps logging onto Warcraft and killing all our characters.\nKyle: The past...four nights we've tried to play, he shows up and kills us!\nCraig: He killed my character right in the middle of a quest!\nTweek: Mine too!\nCartman: We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone. But, if we all log in together!, we might have a chance.\nToken: Hey yeah!\nJimmy: We can really stick it to that assm-m-muncher!\nClyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him, even with all of us. It's a waste of time.\nStan: Dude, we have to try.\nClyde: I've got better things to do.\nCartman: Clyde, Clyde! [moves around his podium to talk to Clyde more directly] If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? [beat] I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?\nClyde: [unshaken] I'm just gonna stop playing.\nCartman: When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde?\nClyde: No.\nCartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde? (Would you like to sleep with me, Clyde?)\nClyde: All right all right, I'll do it!\nJimmy: So what's the p-plan?\nCartman: All right, you all login from your computers at precisely 7:30. [walks up to a map of their quest] We will meet here, on the plains of the elven forest near Westfall. My friends, to victory!\nAll: To victory!\nButters: I don't play World of Warcraft.\nCartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time!\nButters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure.\nCartman: Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you.\nButters: O-oh, o-oh, a-alright. All right then.\nScene Description: World of Warcraft, near Westfall. The camera looks upon a meadow, then pans down to show a group of characters. Cartman is marshaling his forces.\nCartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on defensive stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff.\nToken: [playing a black warrior] Okay.\nCraig: Got it.\nCartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you all have your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.\nJimmy: All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.\nTimmy: Timmy!\nCartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! [another dwarf walks in looking just like Cartman's dwarf] From with-\nButters: Hey fellas! [Cartman's dwarf looks over] Boy, this is neato, huh?\nCartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing?\nButters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said.\nCartman: You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.\nButters: Well, there's only like four races to choose from-\nCartman: So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!\nButters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more 'n this stuff.\nStan: Come on, let's do this!\nJason: Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.\nCartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out! [the others charge after him]\nScene Description: A field. The ganker walks along his merry way, but with one armswing he slaughters other players nearby with an energy blast. It's a very effective move.\nStan: Look! There he is!\nCartman: Everyone hold! [everyone stops in their tracks. The ganker turns around and faces them.]\nKyle: He's targeting us.\nCartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors! And...Right-click! [that sends the group charging at the ganker, who responds by summoning an army of giant scorpions] What the? Oh Jesus, he summoned scorpions! [the actual rogue player is shown in his apartment, leaning back on his chair and playing without needing to think very much about what to do next. His character and scorpions decimate the group]\nTweek: Aaaa! [his character runs all over the place, with no one offering to smother him and put out the flames] I'm burning! Oh Jesus I'm burning! [a scorpion kills Kenny's character nearby]\nJimmy: Kenny's down. K-k-kenny is down. [Tweek is still burning, running around]\nIke: [purple mage] I'm gonna poop on my pants.\nKyle: Ike, look out! [the ganker rushes in and stabs him in the back]\nIke: Aah Kyle! [Ike is out of the game. Stan runs through a group of scorpions]\nCartman: All right, Clyde, hit him with your crossbow! [Clyde's character looks like he's about to aim a crossbow] Hit him now, Clyde! Clyde? Clyde! [Clyde is at his computer, but not participating in the game. He's looking at Playboy centerfolds.] Clyde! Clyde, you asshole! [rushes to join the others] Goddammit we lost Clyde!\nScene Description: Nearby, Stan is fending off scorpions, and the blond hunter walks up.\nRandy: Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys? [Stan's character turns around]\nStan: Dad??\nRandy: Yeah, I'm playing from the office.\nStan: Dad, get off our teamspeak line!\nToken: [the ganker kills him] That's it, I'm dead!\nStan: [the ganker kills him. He throws off his headset again] That's it, screw this game!\nCartman: No, leave me alone, don't do- [the ganker stabs Cartman with his dagger through the mallet] god, dugh [Cartman dies, and the ganker skips away. Cartman screams into his mic, then throws down his headset] God-fucking-dammit!!! [meanwhile, in his apartment, the ganker just keeps plugging along.]\nScene Description: The Blizzard boardroom.\nMember 3: Oh Jesus...Oh God no...\nPresident: What?\nMember 3: He just finished killing every single player in the Arathi Highlands.\nMember 1: How many people's characters were in there?\nMember 2: Over five thousand. [some of the members sit down. Member 1 rises]\nMember 1: There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people's characters are going to die, and there's nothing we can do to save them?\nPresident: Yes. And it won't be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether. Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World...of Warcraft.\nMember 5: [grabs his head] No! Nooooooooo!\nScene Description: The neighborhood park. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball. Cartman enters the park.\nCartman: What the hell are you guys doing?? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft too?!\nStan: Dude, we're done. we're sick of getting killed all the time.\nCartman: Guys, when things look bad, you can't just give up on the world. Of Warcraft.\nKyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.\nCartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-high level, right? What if we were super-high level too?\nStan: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!\nCartman: That's why we just need to log in and stay in the forest, killing boars.\nKyle: Boars?\nCartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow.\nKyle: Dude, boars are only worth two experience points apiece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?\nCartman: Yes. [whips out a sheet full of calculations] Sixty-five million three hundred and forty thousand two hundred and eighty five. Which should take us seven weeks five days thirteen hours and twenty minutes, giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can just...you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossin' a ball around, [firmly] or you can sit at your computer and do somethin' that matters.\nScene Description: World of Warcraft. \"Live to Win\" by Paul Stanley begins to play. The four friends are back in the forest looking for boars. They slaughter the boars as they come upon the groups of them. Cartman chugs down energy drinks and has doughnuts and other sweets around his keyboard. He wipes his mouth dry with his jacket sleeve. In the McCormick living room Kenny plays while his parents argue in the background. In Gerald's den, Ike nourishes Kyle on the fly. The days fly by, starting at September 3...During recess and lunch, as the other kids play outside as usual, the boys are at computers at the school's computer lab playing WoW. As Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and Token play football in the street outside, Stan plays WoW in his room. Day passes into night and back into day...\nPaul Stanley: Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes!Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall! Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winYeah! [...and back into night...Stan's first pimples appear and his face is fatter.]Live! [More pimples appear, and his hair begins to look matted]Yeah!Win! [He's gotten fatter than Cartman normally is, to the point where he's too fat to wear his jacket anymore]\nScene Description: The Blizzard boardroom. Executives are monitoring the gameplay.\nMember 3: Sir, you'd better have a look at this! Four of our subscribers...They've gone up fifty levels in three weeks.\nPresident: My God...they must have no lives at all.\nMember 3: A hope?\nPresident: A chance.\nPaul Stanley: Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyesLive to win, take it all, just keep fighting 'till you fallDay by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winLive to winLive to winYeah, win.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, 6:30 a.m. He rises from bed, which means he went to bed at 3:30 a.m. He's gotten as big and pimply as Stan. He hops out of bed, heads for his father's den and then to the computer and logs into the game to slaughter more boars.\nKyle: Dude, my mouse-clicking finger hurts.\nCartman: Keep clicking, Kyle! You can do it!\nScene Description: Kenny's playing from the living room. Stan is at his dad's computer now, and Randy looks in on him. Stan earns an xp of 142. Cartman has gotten so big he looks like Jabba the Hutt. His fingers are shown up close typing away. Kyle flexes his right wrist and fingers to get circulation back in them, them resumes playing the game. More boar slaughter ensues. Next, Cartman is shown on the toilet crapping away and reading the World of Warcraft game manual. Stan's left hand is shown typing away. Kenny's still at it, but he's not as big as Stan is now. Stan looks like a huge baby...with pimples. Back at school, the boys are back in the computer lab playing away. As the music ends, Cartman raises his fist seemingly in victory\nScene Description: The Blizzard boardroom, night. The president looks out over the city from the boardroom. He stands at a table in front of the window, on which stand some WoW statuettes.\nPresident: The admins tell us they are four players from a small town in Colorado.\nMember 1: Are they strong enough to defeat the Evil One?\nMember 5: [wearing a black T-shirt with the green words \"Dwarf Needs FOOD!\" on it] We ran the numbers: even with their amazing rise in levels, they have a 90% mortality probability. They'd be walking in a slaughter!\nMember 1: There has to be...someway we can help them.\nMember 6: What about...the Sword of a Thousand Truths?\nMember 7: Quiet, Thomas! We aren't even to speak of that sword!\nThomas: But maybe these new players are the ones the prophecy foretold of.\nMember 7: It is not an option!\nThomas: What is this sword?\nPresident: Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created, one of the programmers put a sword called the Sword of a Thousand Truths into the game inventory. Apparently it could cause 120 damage per second, with an instant mana burn and an enchantment that boosts its stamina +80.\nMember 7: But the sword was considered to be too powerful for anyone to possess. So it was removed from the game and stored on a one-gig flash drive.\nThomas: But it was foretold that one day, players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves.\nMember 1: Who foretold this prophecy?\nPresident: Soltzman. He's an accountant.\nScene Description: The accountants' room, night. The executives open the door and walk in slowly, softly. Member 1 opens the top drawer and pulls out a small safe, gets the key and opens it. The President reaches in side and pulls out the small flash drive.\nPresident: Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. [the flash drive gets its close-up] We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life. Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle before we can reach them.\nScene Description: Cartman's basement, night. The boys have taken their computers and assembled them in the basement. They are all now connected and online.\nCartman: All right, you guys. The Moment of Truth is here. It is time for our final battle. Everyone, log in!\nStan: I'm in.\nKyle: Me too.\nKenny: (Me too.)\nCartman: [begins to slur his speech ever so slightly, giving it a blasé feel] Everyone equip healing potions to the hotbar if you haven't already. Uh, Kyle, go ahead and cast Arcane Brilliance to raise our intelligence.\nKyle: Hang on, I'm chaining my fire spells for max range.\nCartman: Nice. Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have?\nStan: +15 agility.\nCartman: Give the cloak to Kenny, he needs the agility boost for bow attacks.\nStan: 'K.\nKyle: Hold on, this fight could last more than twelve hours. What if we run out of food?\nCartman: Don't worry, I have that covered. [pressed a button on a small intercom on his desk] Mom?\nLiane: Yes hon?\nCartman: More Hot Pockets!\nLiane: [answering at the other end] Right away, hon. [Cartman turns it off]\nStan: That's übercool.\nCartman: All right, everyone ready?\nKyle/Stan: Ready.\nCartman: Let's go get him! [the battle begins. The rogue is playing with the right hand, eating a cookie with the left.]\nStan: Wait, I think I see him. Yeah, yeah, he's here in Goldshire.\nCartman: Okay, everyone open your uplifts and autolocate to Stan.\nKyle: What's the autolocate macro?\nCartman: Command-0. [sniffs]\nKyle: Okay, right behind Stan.\nCartman: Kenny, get ready to turn on true-shot aura. At that moment, I will use intimidating shout.\nStan: Okay, he sees us...He's targeted us.\nCartman: Okay, hit him with pyroblast, Kyle.\nKyle: Casting...there's an 8-second cast time.\nCartman: Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time?\nKyle: No, ah, I'm an arcane fire mage.\nCartman: Christ...\nKyle: Cast on him again.\nCartman: Everyone target scorpions.\nScene Description: World of Warcraft, final battle. The four boys are attacking the ganker, who's just defending himself right now, mostly attacking Kenny. Seventeen hours later...the rogue is sitting up, signifying that he's paying attention now that the boys have battled him this long without dying. Meanwhile, the President of Blizzard and Member 1 arrive at Stan's house. Member 1 bangs on the door. The door opens\nRandy: Yes?\nMember 1: We are looking for a great knight by the name of LovesToSpooge.\nRandy: That's my son's character's name in Warcraft.\nPresident: Where is he?!\nRandy: Who are you?\nPresident: Sir, we don't have time! We just heard from our admins that your son's party is already in battle!\nMember 1: Unless they have this sword, [pulls out the flash drive] your son's character is going to die!\nRandy: [close-up, Randy's eyes widen] Nn-Oh my God! [drops his coffee cup and runs upstairs. The two other men look at each other and follow]\nScene Description: Back in the World of Warcraft the battle continues.\nCartman: Kyle! Fire spell!\nKyle: Aaaa... [starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out] AH! Huh?! [his character grabs her right wrist with her left hand]\nStan: Kyle! [Kyle leaves his desk grabbing onto his right hand, then flexes his right wrist around. Stan leaves his desk and approaches him] Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?\nKyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's aaaah! [pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing his wrist and stretching his fingers]\nStan: Oh, Jesus, he's got it bad! [Cartman walks over]\nCartman: Wait, we need Ben-Gay. [waddles to Kenny's desk desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back and squirts some of it onto Kyle's right wrist, then rubs it in.]\nStan: Hurry dude!\nCartman: I'm going as fast as I can!\nStan: Kyle, you have to keep playing.\nKyle: I can't. Just leave me behind.\nStan: We can't do this without you now! Come on! [he and Cartman help Kyle back to his computer]\nScene Description: Stan's room. The computer is missing. Randy and the two executives run in\nRandy: Stan?! Stan! [turns around and sees Sharon walk by with the laundry] Sharon, where is Stan?!\nSharon: I don't know. He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.\nMember 1: Stupid?\nRandy: Where?!\nSharon: I don't know.\nRandy: Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him!\nSharon: So what?\nThe three men: So what?! [Sharon rolls her eyes and walks away]\nPresident: We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail.\nMember 1: I-if we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online.\nPresident: I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you?\nMember 1: No, I have a life. [the men fall silent]\nRandy: Give me the sword.\nMember 1: You?\nRandy: I have a Warcraft character. I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online.\nMember 1: We can't trust the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!\nRandy: Sounds to me like we don't have a choice! Give me the sword. [Member 1 kneels and reverently gives the USB drive to Randy. Randy holds it above his head like an actual sword] Ahhhh. Come on, we've got to get to a computer that works! [runs out of the house with the other two men behind him]\nScene Description: Outside, night, snowing.\nRandy: Where's your car?\nMember 1: We took a cab here!\nRandy: Dammit, mine's in the shop! [runs out into the street] Uh hey! Eh help! Stop! [a car slows down] Please, it's an emergency! [the driver opens his door, Randy yanks him out and knocks him out with one punch. Randy and the other two men get in the car and speed away. The driver comes to and looks on. Randy is now on his cell phone] Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer! No, I d-I need to play World of Warcraft! NELSON!\nScene Description: The rogue's apartment, day. He's eating tortilla chips. Part of one falls onto his shirt. He looks at it and scoots it off, then goes back to playing without missing a beat.\nScene Description: Cartman's basement. The boys haven't missed a beat either.\nCartman: All right, major stone shield potions should be...Oh God, I'm going to have diarrhea again. Ohhh...Duuuh...\nStan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!\nCartman: It's okay. [clicks on the intercom] Mom? Bathroom!\nLiane: What hon?\nCartman: Bathroom! Bathroom! [clicks off. A second later Liane goes into the basement with a bedpan. Cartman senses this and lowers his pants as Liane positions the bedpan in place. Cartman lets go and a log comes out first, followed by a spattering stream of crap. Some of it ends up on the floor, some of it on Liane's blouse. Nasty.]\nLiane: Oohh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [walks away with the poop. Cartman lifts his pants back in place without cleaning his ass]\nCartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.\nScene Description: The road, night. Randy hangs up and rests his cell phone when he notices a Best Buy off to his left. He pulls into the parking lot and runs into the store. He grabs a greeter.\nRandy: World of Warcraft! I need to play!\nGreeter: Our demo is set up right over by the- [Randy runs to the demo. A small boy is playing the game. Randy shoves him off and logs him out.]\nRandy: Got to...sign in...character name...All right, I'm in! [puts on the headset]\nScene Description: Cartman's basement.\nStan: Dude, I'm almost dead.\nCartman: Kyle, cast arcane missiles!\nKyle: I'm out of mana, I told you.\nScene Description: Within the game.\nStan: [his character leaves the battle] I've gotta heal. [his character turns to see the battle]\nRandy: Staaan! [Stan's character looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around]\nStan: Dad? Not now!\nRandy: Stan! I've been sent here...to bring you this. [holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft] This sword can completely drain his mana.\nStan: Dad, how did you get that?!\nRandy: No time! Just take it! Here! [the sword stays fixed to his left hand] ...How, how do you hand something from one player to another?\nStan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...\nRandy: Okay. [The ganker notices the lull in action and faces Stan. Cartman is alarmed and spins around to look at Stan.]\nCartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?! [the ganker runs and leaps toward Stan and Randy]\nStan: I got it! [the ganker stabs Randy and Randy goes down]\nRandy: Augh!\nStan: Dad!\nRandy: Stan... [falls down face first]\nStan: Dad, no! [turns around to face the ganker] You killed my father. [walks up to the ganker and strikes him with one blow of the sword. The ganker's defenses start to crack.]\nCartman: His shield and armor spells are down!\nKyle: Attack! [Kenny quickly takes his bow and arrow and fires an arrow into the ganker's chest. Kyle fires an energy ball at the ganker. The energy ball knocks the knife from the ganker's hand and disables him some more. He falls to the ground on all fours, and the dwarf approaches him, ready to smash the ganker's head in with the mallet]\nCartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. [swings back and then pulls the mallet forward] Heeyeah! [the mallet smashed the ganker's head into little bloody pieces.]\nScene Description: The rogue's apartment. The rogue sits at his desk as usual, but now his mouth is slightly open in astonishment. Random noises follow, and his game is through.\nScene Description: Within the game, Stan throws away the Sword of a Thousand Truths and rushes up to his father's dying character. He shakes the character around a bit\nStan: Dad? Dad?\nRandy: [answers] Staaan. [falters a bit, but Stan holds him up] I've never been able to say this before, but...I love you, son.\nStan: I know you do, Dad.\nRandy: [swats Stan's hand away] Augh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...\nScene Description: Cuts to Randy continuing the melodrama at the demo desk in Best Buy.\nMember 1: They did it!\nPresident: Our world is saved! [Randy smiles]\nScene Description: Within the game. The boys' characters gather around the fallen ganker. Other characters appear and gather around the group\nMan 1: They did it! They killed him! [leaves his hiding place. Others follow]\nMan 2: They did it!\nWoman: They killed him! We can come out!\nCartman: Yes!\nStan: We did it!\nCartman: Yeah!\nScene Description: Cartman's basement.\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Yeah yeah.\nCartman: All right, yay.\nKenny: (Woohoo! Oh man!)\nCartman: We did it you guys. We're totally heroes.\nKyle: That was such über pwnage\nStan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?\nCartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.\nKyle: Oh yeah.\nCartman: Okay Kenny, add Eyes of the Beast to your hotbar. Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shots.\nStan: Got it."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mrs. Garrison launches into her lesson\nMrs. Garrison: And so, class, that is when Joe Lee countered back to Aniston and said things like- [the door opens and Mr. Mackey enters the classroom, looking quite pissed. Mr. Mackey walks by Mrs. Garrison without saying a word] Oh hello, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: [faces the class] All the girls go out in the hall please? I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay? [the girls leave their seats and go into the hall] Boys, we have a very serious problem! I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went number 2 in the urinal! [Mrs. Garrison's jaw drops at the behavior, then she gets concerned. The boys just blink at Mr. Mackey]\nButters: What's a urinal?\nStan: A wall toilet for peeing in.\nMr. Mackey: And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay? Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now, and it will be less painful for everybody! M'kay?!\nJimmy: Who would take a d-dump in a urinal? It's such a s-senseless crime.\nCartman: Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy, just like 9/11.\nKyle: Oh God, here we go again! 9/11 was not a conspiracy, fatass!\nCartman: Oh really?! Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?\nMr. Mackey: Excuse me!! Could we get back to the issue, please?! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Now who made dookie in the urinal?! [the boys just laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! M'kay! M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here!\nScene Description: Men's- er, Boys' Room, later. The police are in there with Mr. Mackey. Police tape has been placed around the urinal\nOfficer 1: I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just isn't really any evidence to go on.\nMr. Mackey: But there must have been some motive. Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason.\nOfficer 1: But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal? Uh this is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.\nScene Description: A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The following titles appear: The Secret of the Lost Tunnel, The Hooded Hawk Mystery, The Clue of the Broken Blade, The Mystery of the Spiral Bridge...\nNarrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of book 37 is shown] The Mystery of the Urinal Turd.\nScene Description: The Hardly Boys are now with the police officer in front of the boys' room. Mr. Mackey observes nearby. The Boys have screwed-up smiles, suggesting buck teeth\nOfficer 1: So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime.\nFrank: That sure is a mystery.\nJoe: Yeah, it sounds super-hard.\nFrank: Whoever did it must have been angry with the school. Oh... Oooo... I think I'm getting a clue.\nJoe: F-really?\nFrank: Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now.\nJoe: [turns to Frank] Oh... I'm starting to get a clue too.\nFrank: My clue is kind of pointing this way.\nJoe: [moves to his left, to where Frank's clue is pointing] Ohhgh. Yeah, now I've got a total clue.\nFrank: I've still got a raging clue.\nJoe: [turns right] My clue's pointing over there now!\nFrank: Oh, let's follow that clue! [move off to the right and away from the boys' room.]\nScene Description: The school bell rings and the kids pour out into the hall\nStan: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?\nKyle: Not yet.\nCartman: They aren't going to find out who did it. But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it. It'll be 9/11 all over again.\nKyle: Will you shut up about 9/11!\nCartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?!\nKyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!\nCartman: Oh really? Well did you know that over one-fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards?\nKyle: Yes. I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards.\nStan: Yeah, at least one-fourth.\nKyle: Let's take a test sample: There's four of us, you're a retard, that's one-fourth.\nCartman: ...There are soo many people who know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters! [sees Butters walking towards the group]\nButters: Hey, fellas!\nCartman: Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot by some angry terrorists, or do you think there was some kind of coverup?\nButters: Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush.\nCartman: Aha! Do you see?\nKyle: Where did you hear that?\nButters: [points] From Eric.\nCartman: I rest my case.\nKyle: [walks up and stands next to Butters] Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?\nButters: Well, l-uh, I mean, uh, you never know. Uh, the government does some pretty spooky things. The government and the corporations headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11.\nCartman: That's right, Butters.\nKyle: Goddamnit, you see what happens when you spread this stupid crap, fatass?\nCartman: What? People see the truth?\nButters: Can I go now?\nCartman: You guys are blind! I can't believe that everyone here is just buying into what they're told by the media! [begins to move away from the boys] I'm gonna go find out the truth. I'm gonna blow the lid off this whooole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all! [goes around a corner and disappears]\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no...\nScene Description: Montage. Cartman exits the school as the camera is in a position to watch him pass under the U.S. Flag. Next, he scours the Web for information on 9/11. He looks at the sites with a critical eye. Next, he goes to the library to find more in-depth information. Among the books Cartman is reading are \"Security Tyrrany\" and \"How the Towers Fell.\" He goes up on a hill and sees the whole town laid out before him. He returns to the boys' room and analyzes the urinal. He makes himself some tea and watches a video on his computer that stops right before the second plane hits and presents a big red question mark. He's making notes on something while sitting in the armchair... it turns out to be a picture of the urinal with the deuce still in it.\nCartman: It is wrong for me to ask questions?Is it wrong to seek the truth?I just can't blindly accept their version.I can't base my logic on proof.Almost all the evidence points one way,But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:I need to know what really happenedOn 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.What really happenedOn 9/11?[He's back at his computer once more and clicks on his mouse]Of course. It's so obvious. How did we not see it before?\nScene Description: Next day, Mrs. Garrison's class is again in session. It's Show and Tell day. Leroy walks up to the front of the class and presents his topic.\nLeroy: This is my frog. He doesn't have a name. He's a frog not a toad because toads don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets. [he gets a smattering of applause from the other kids, then goes back to his seat]\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class. Okay, anybody else have anything for Show and Tell?\nCartman: [raises and waves his hand] Uh! Erh, eh. Uhhh!\nMrs. Garrison: All right, Eric, you can go next.\nCartman: [leaves his seat and goes to the front of the class with his laptop.] For Show and Tell today I have brought... [puts on some glasses] ...my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth!.. [removes the glasses for dramatic effect] behind the 9/11 attacks! [the lights go out and a projector is turned on]\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh Christ...\nCartman: [his first image is that of the Twin Towers] We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers, [the image gets animated as a cross-section of a wall is picked apart and the steel girders shown, which led to their collapse.] which led to their collapse. But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at a high enough temperature to melt steel? [the other kids look at each other. Kyle's eyes are half-closed, showing his disinterest] We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well, [a picture of the Pentagon with the damage clearly visible. A helicopter hovers nearby] but now look at this photo of the Pentagon. The hole is not nearly big enough. And if a plane hit it, where is the rest of the plane?\nClyde: Whoa...\nCartman: So now, the inevitable question: if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did? [he begins to use his fingers to show the numbers as he says them] Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. [click. Kyle now appears superimposed on the 9/11 picture already onscreen]. Kyle!\nKyle: Me??!\nCartman: Twelve contains the numbers one and two, just like the toilet yesterday where somebody went number two instead of number one! And one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle! Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?! Kyle! But probably the most damning of all is the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2! [clicks, and another shot of the Twin Towers is shown] When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared to be a blur, [he zooms in on the picture, which just becomes pixilated] but when I computer-enhanced it, [the pixilation disappears as the picture sharpens - it's a drawing of an evil Kyle with a large, sharp knife in his right hand] You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole.\nScene Description: The bell rings again and the kids once again enter the hall. The camera looks towards the front doors. Kyle walks toward the camera and scratches his nose.\nKyle: Hey Token. [Token does not respond, but just watches him walk by. Kyle stops by Butters and Craig] You-you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters? [Butters is suddenly scared]\nButters: Waaaah! [drops his book and runs away. The other kids just stare at Kyle]\nKyle: All right, all right, I was not responsible for 9/11! [the other kids move away quickly] God-damnit!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, after school. Kyle walks in through the front door, upset. He slams the door shut behind him. Sheila is cleaning the coffee table in front of the couch\nSheila: Hello bubbe, how was school today?\nKyle: [stops in front of Sheila, to her left] Terrible.\nSheila: Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad.\nKyle: But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11.\nSheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!\nScene Description: A PTA meeting, later\nSheila: We have to do something! It is obvious our children are still completely confused about 9/11!\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, we need to go over it again in the classroom so they understand what really happened.\nSkeeter: Well, what really happened? There's strong evidence that what we were told isn't the truth.\nOther men: Oh no, oh brother, oh God.\nMr. Adler: [stands up] That's right. Did you know that there were explosions seen at the base of the towers?\nOther men: Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded.\nMr. Mackey: [stands up] Look, what-ever you believe, the fact of the matter is somebody... dropped a dookie in the school urinal, and there's still no explanation for that!\nSheila: Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here!\nMr. Mackey: More important?! You aren't the one, who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, okay, after having tuh, to wake up early, you know, there's no, no coffee in the teachers' lounge, and then you, you walk into the bathroom just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal! Like it's laughin' at you!\nJimbo: He's right! The turd could have been put there to cover up 9/11!\nMr. Mackey: No, I'm not saying they're related!\nRandy: [rises] How do we know they're not? We need to be brave enough to ask questions! [makes a fist]\nSkeeter: It's obvious that before we go any further, we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all!\nRichard: Who else could it have been?\nDet. Yates: This is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.\nMr. Mackey: Oh no, not the Goddamned-\nScene Description: A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The same music and montage as before are played\nNarrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of a new book is shown] The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.\nScene Description: Police headquarters. Det. Yates has a post-9/11 picture with a circled question mark where the towers used to be.\nDet. Yates: So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys. There were two towers that stood right here, [shows off the question mark] and they're gone.\nFrank: And nobody knows who's responsible?\nDet. Yates: There are theories, but, nobody's certain.\nJoe: Nnnn, who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing?\nFrank: Ooo... oh, I just started getting a clue.\nJoe: Really?\nFrank: Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.\nJoe: Oh... Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah, I've got a raging clue right now.\nFrank: Mine's pointing to the left.\nJoe: Oh F-, oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we'd better follow it.\nFrank: Okay, let's follow your raging clue.\nJoe: Oofff.\nRandy: [watches them walk away] Godspeed.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. The front door opens and Kyle looks out. A couple of agents look back at him from their car parked out in front of the house. One looks both ways to make sure no one is coming while the other looks at his watch. Kyle move away from the entrance and closes the door softly\nStan: [appears suddenly in the living room] Kyle!\nKyle: [jumps] Aaaah!\nStan: Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys [looks around] are coming to my house and questioning me about you??\nKyle: I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's putting pieces together that aren't there.\nStan: Well why did you have to involve me??\nKyle: It's not my fault.\nStan: All right, look, I've been doing a lot of research on the Web and I found an organization who says they can prove you weren't involved in 9/11.\nKyle: Really?\nStan: Come on. We'll go out the back so they don't see you. [moves off, then stops and turns around] There's just one thing I need to know before we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right?\nKyle: ...Dude.\nStan: [mulls it over] That's all I needed. [turns around and heads for the back door. Kyle follows.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The bell rings and the students are all in the gym. Mr. Mackey addresses them\nMr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This, is Mr. Venezuela [walks up to a school janitor, who's a Latino with mop and bucket in hand], the school janitor. Okay? [the fourth graders are shown with some kindergartners in front of them] He's the person... who has to clean up... when some trickster... drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! Okay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud starin' him in the face! [the sixth graders are shown seated to the left of the fourth graders] So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants, and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head! [the kids laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!\nMrs. Garrison: Mr. Mackey! [he and Principal Victoria enter the gym] We got him.\nMr. Mackey: Huh?\nMrs. Garrison: We caught the person that did it.\nScene Description: Somewhere... A taxi drops Stan and Kyle off in front of a large house. They walk up to the front door and Stan knocks.\nStan: Hi, we were hoping you can help us. My friend is being blamed for 9/11.\nMan: [wearing a 911truth.org T-shirt] Aw geez. Come on in, kids. [the boys enter. A model of the towers stands on the coffee table while the computer displays a 9/11 Web page. The rest of the office is littered with 9/11 stuff] It doesn't surprise me. More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day.\nKyle: They are?\n911truth man: Yeah, it a way of keeping people from seeing the real evidence. I know it seems crazy, but 9/11 was pulled off by our own government, so they could gain support for attacking the Middle East.\nKyle: What? No no no.\n911truth man: I know it's hard to believe.\nStan: Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings?\n911truth man: It's called the False Flag policy. Make it look like the enemy attacked you. Get all your citizens riled up and waving American flags. Then you're free to invade any country you want.\nKyle: ...That's retarded.\n911truth man: [sits at his computer and starts typing away] Look into the evidence of 9/11 and you'll see there are a lot of holes in their story.\nKyle: There's a lot of holes in the Theory of Evolution too; it doesn't mean it's wrong.\n911truth man: You don't understand! The government controls everything. The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here, look! [grabs two large glass jars and hands them to Kyle] Read the labels on these! Go on, read them!\nKyle: [reads the labels] Code 234\n911truth man: We think they came from a government office.\nKyle: What is it?\n911truth man: It's anthrax.\nKyle: Anthrax?!\n911truth man: Someday we'll use it as evidence against them.\nKyle: Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob! [at that moment the house is raided by Chicago cops. The doors and windows fall away as they rush inside. An ambulance and a lot of police cars wait outside as a helicopter hovers overhead. Kyle stands with the jars of anthrax, sure that he's in big trouble] Aw, aw, awww!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's addressing the guilty party...\nMr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?\nClyde: I don't know. [looks away as Mr. Mackey gets up, walks around the desk, and stands behind him, to his left]\nMr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room. [walks behind Clyde to the right side. Clyde looks away and to the left] Then you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it layin' there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde tries hard to contain his laughter] Okay okay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll! [Clyde grins, then bursts out laughing. The door opens and Principal Victoria looks in]\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [Principal Victoria walks away. Mr. Mackey addresses Clyde again] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poopscapade! [The Donovans show up] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why... he would drop a dook in the urinal!\nMr. Donovan: Mr. Mackey, there's something you should know...\nScene Description: The White House, day. Stan, Kyle, and the man from 911truth.org are brought into the Oval Office by the Secret Service. The President's staff awaits.\nKyle: Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding.\nDonald Rumsfeld: Come on in, Mr. President. [President Bush comes in through one of the side doors]\nKyle: Uh, Mr. President, my name is-\nBush: SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything! [walks to his desk] We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging!\nKyle: [quite surprised] Really?\n911truth man: You won't get away with it! People know!\nBush: People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak... [pulls out a pistol and his voice gets sinister] to fix... [the Secret Service agents take the 911truth man to the President]\n911truth man: Wait. What are you doing?\nBush: [leaves his desk and cocks the gun] You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.\n911truth man: No! You can't do this! [Bush grabs him by the collar] Please! I'll stop. I'll take down the Web site. I'll sto- [the President sticks the gun into the man's mouth] Oh no! Oh no!\nBush: Too late. [squeezes the trigger once and the bullet goes clear through the man's head. The 911truth man is dead]\nStan: JESUS CHRIST!!\nRumsfeld: [Condoleezza Rice stands to his left] Hahaha. He died like a pig.\nBush: [wipes the blood off his clothes and skin] Some pigs never learn.\nKyle: [in sheer disbelief, cocks his head right] No. Way.\nStan: He was right. You DID cause 9/11.\nBush: Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever.\nKyle: [ever more incredulous, cocks his head left and lower] ...Really??\nStan: Why?!\nBush: [smiling, he begins to pace] Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. [walks by Dick Cheney, who's got a crossbow and is dressed to hunt] Finally we could invade Iraq, [finishes off with sinister glee] and get the oil which made us all richer than before.\nRumsfeld: [rubs his hands together greedily] Beauutiful money, hahahaha!\nKyle: [cocks his head right and even lower. He's not buying it] ...Really??\nStan: [off on a different page] Is the whole government in on this?\nBush: We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys. [steps aside as Dick Cheney takes aim at them. Cheney fires an arrow at them, but the arrow hits a marble vase on a table behind the boys. The arrow bounces off the vase and hits fire alarm, which sets off the sprinkler system. Everyone does his best not to get wet]\nCheney: Dangit! I missed again!\nBush: For Christ's sake, Cheney! [Two aids open the doors to the Oval Office and enter]\nStan: [seeing their chance] Kyle! Run! [the boys take off with the Secret Service in hot pursuit]\nBush: KILL THEM!\nScene Description: Attendance office, day, next to the Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands there with Principal Victoria in the background, at her desk. He picks up the PA mic.\nMr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently, Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay? Now, whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice, 'cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants... m'kay, hover your buttcheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay? [all the kids in the hall listen, then start laughing] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! [Principal Victoria is also snickering in the background] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspectin' urinal, [next shot is the school gym, where some students are practicing their basketball skills, but now they're listening] 'kay, droppin' your pants then... turnin' around... squattin' over that urinal, 'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the kids there begin to laugh] Oh yeah, that's real funny! [turns off the mic and slams it down] I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?! [moves off]\nScene Description: A bus terminal. A bus pulls in from Washington D.C. and the door opens. Passengers pour out, including Stan and Kyle.\nStan: All right, now we have to switch over to Interbus 65. We made it dude. [next scene is another city, somewhere] We should be home in less than eighteen hours. Then we'll tell everyone what we saw.\nKyle: It just... doesn't seem right.\nStan: Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude. It's like waking up for the first time.\nKyle: Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got out of the White House pretty easily? I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you, and we just kind of... ran out. [a door opens besides them and the 911truth man the President had shot exits a restaurant and goes the other direction]\nStan: Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that? [Kyle stops and turns around]\nKyle: Hey! [the 911truth man turns around, then panics as he recognizes the boys] Dude. You're alive? [the man stands there for a few seconds, not knowing what to do, then turns around and runs away, pushing people aside. Kyle gives chase] Come back here! [the man keeps running]\nMan 1: Hey!\nMan 2: Ogh!\nScene Description: the POV changes to that of a dead-end alley. The camera descends from on high as the 911truth man runs down the alley. It stops descending when Stan and Kyle round the corner. The man reaches a chain-link fence and tries to climb it. The boys come in closer. The man fails to climb the fence and drops to the ground when the boys reach him.\n911truth man: [begins to plead] No. Please. Pleeease!\nKyle: Dude! What the hell is going on?!\n911truth man: Don't kill me! I, I just do what they say!\nStan: What who said?\n911truth man: I have a family. Please don't kill me!\nKyle: Dude, we aren't going to kill you. [just then a gunshot is heard and the 911truth man falls dead... again]\nStan: Oh God!\nBearded man: [appears with the smoking gun] It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me!\nKyle: Who the fuck are you?!\nBearded man: There's no time! come on! [the camera pans up but stays focused on the three folks as the boys follow the bearded man out of the alley.]\nScene Description: A mansion, night. The bearded man escorts Stan and Kyle in and leads them to his library\nKyle: Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on??\nStan: Who are you?\nBearded man: [pours himself a drink] I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed.\nKyle: You f-figured this thing all out?\nBearded man: Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys. [the Hardly Boys enter] My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue.\nFrank: Gave us both a clue.\nMr. Hardly: That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues.\nJoe: I was getting a clue like every two minutes.\nFrank: I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.\nMr. Hardly: Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.\nFrank: It was huuuge.\nMr. Hardly: That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy.\nStan: Aw Jesus...\nKyle: Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11?\nMr. Hardly: For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?\nBush: [off-screen] That's quite enough, Hardly! [the camera shows him entering with his staff] Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11. [brings forth a manila folder] It's all right here in these secret documents, [hugs the folder tight] but you'll never get them. [turns around as he yawns, dropping the folder to the floor behind him. No one picks it up]\nKyle: I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy!\nBush: [dropping the act] Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing.\nKyle: Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!\nBush: We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them?\nMr. Hardly: Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here? [a close-up of Kyle. A gun appears next to his left temple. The camera moves clockwise as it refocuses on Stan, who's got the gun aimed at Kyle. Stan must have told the President]\nStan: How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do!\nKyle: Stan! What the fuck?!\nStan: It was all planned out!\nKyle: You knew this whole time? Why?\nStan: Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.\nKyle: [backs away a bit] What??\nStan: The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!\nKyle: So you blamed the government?!\nMr. Hardly: And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11!\nStan: [lowers his pistol] Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries?\nKyle: So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government?\nStan: Yuh.\nKyle: So then, who was responsible for 9/11?\nStan: Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.\nFrank: [giggles] Yeah. What are you, retarded? [The President and his staff laugh heartily]\nMr. Hardly: Well, it looks like this mystery is solved. It's time for the culprit to finally pay!\nScene Description: The boys' room at South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision\nMr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay! [Stan squirts some cleaning fluid onto the urinal basin] How would you feel... if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's real funny!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, school hall. The bell rings and the students go to their lockers. Stan and Kyle put some books away as Cartman shares an encounter with Kenny and the other two.\nCartman: And so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson, and I said, \"Do you smell lemon grass?\", and she smelled my finger and puked! Hehehehe. Oh, guys, you should have been there.\nHall monitor: [a ginger, he taps on Cartman's right shoulder] Eric, I have to take you to the principal's office.\nCartman: What? I didn't do it, Kelly Nelson's a liar!\nHall monitor: I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office.\nCartman: Oh, suck my balls you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punkass stoolie, who the fuck do you think you are?!\nHall monitor: I'm just doin' my job.\nCartman: [taunting and jabbing at him] I'm juh duh duh duhhh! Do you know why you're a hallway monitor?! Because you don't have any friends! You should kill yourself! You should kill yourself!!\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric Cartman, report to the principal's office immediately.\nCartman: Aw Goddamnit!\nScene Description: The principal's office, moments later. A knock is heard at the door.\nPrincipal Victoria: Come on in, Eric. [Cartman and the hall monitor enter]\nCartman: [apologizes, but in a blasé fashion] I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. I didn't mean to do it, how could I have been so foolish?\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, the reason we called you in here is because it is your turn to be the school hallway monitor. [the former hall monitor removes his belt and sash and prepares to give them to Cartman]\nCartman: The hall monit- me?\nMr. Mackey: You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the halls during class has a hall pass. M'kay? [Cartman receives the sash and the former hall monitor leaves]\nPrincipal Victoria: If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to bring them to me.\nCartman: [incredulous] Auth- authoritah?\nMr. Mackey: Now Eric, being the school hallway monitor is a big responsibility. M'kay? It is important that you take the job seriously, and that you don't abuse the power.\nCartman: Ahem. Me?\nScene Description: A montage. First scene is the school hall. Cartman pops up dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter. He walks around and strikes a few poses. He pockets a can of Bear Spray into its holster, makes sure he has handcuffs, then resets his fake facial hair. Next, he pretends he's driving a real car. Back at school, he walks into view and strikes one more dramatic pose, then the POV changes and he's walking towards the camera. One more scene has him turning the steering wheel of an SUV.\nCartman: There's fear and darkness all around you The criminals are on the run No use in not having your hall pass I'll take you to the principal 'cause I'm the Dawg I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg The Hallway Monitor! [laughs until a hand appears and knocks on the driver's window.]\nCar Salesman: [opens the door] Hey, kid, get outta there.\nCartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. [leaves. The video shoot resumes at school. Cartman is on the job when he turns around and sees someone else in the hall. He strikes a dramatic pose and yells] Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!\nBoy: What?\nCartman: [shoves the boy into the lockers and whips out the Bear Spray] You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!\nBoy: It's right here. [reaches into his pocket and pulls it out to show him]\nCartman: [releases the boy] All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ. [turns right and walks away. The boy isn't quite finished]\nBoy: What? You can't just push me up against the-\nCartman: [kicks the boy away] Argh!\nBoy: [flies out of view]Aah!\nCartman: [marches on] I am the Dawg, the big bad- [stops] Oh my God! [sees a wad of paper on the floor, runs up to pick it up and checks it out] What the fuck is this?!\nScene Description: Kindergarten. The kindergartners' new teacher is shown teaching them about shapes. She's drawn a circle and is now drawing a square\nTeacher: And so this shape with four sides is what, class?\nCartman: [bursts into the classroom] Boyarrrgh! [everyone turns to see who it is. Cartman walks up to Ike] Ike Broflovski! You littering my hallway, brah?!\nTeacher: What are you doing?!\nCartman: I found this in the hallway. [unfolds the wad of paper - it's a drawing Ike made of his teacher with hearts all around her] Apparently your student Ike has a crush on you. [Ike looks around nervously] You got a crush on your teacher, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go. [hands the drawing to the teacher and heads for the door]\nTeacher: I don't think that's really necessary.\nCartman: Hey! I don't tell you how to run your class, don't tell me how to run my hallway! [leaves and closes the door]\nFillmore: Ike has a crush on teacher!\nClass: Ike has a crush on teacher! [the class laughs]\nTeacher: That's enough, class! [the period ends and the teacher begins erasing the chalkboard] Okay, well see you tomorrow, everybody. Ike, could you stay just a few minutes, please? [Fillmore takes his crayon and leaves. The teacher moves towards Ike] Ike, I'm very flattered, by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female teachers on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male students and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. Soo mature for your age.\nIke: I don't like Mason.\nTeacher: You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never... [reaches out to Ike and touches his right hand] felt before. [she and Ike hold hands, but she lets go and leaves her seat] Ike, this is crazy. I'm your teacher. How can we be having these feelings for each other? [turns around and faces him] You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't... [begins to swoon. A montage follows]\nScene Description: She and Ike rub noses as a heart frames them. Their shadows rush up and hug each other, then twirl around together as hearts pulsate outward. They hold hands again. She takes him out to dinner and chatters away. She takes him out to ice-skate at a skating rink. She takes him out to a dinner picnic before a setting sun - they share wine and cheese. She takes him out for a ride on a duck boat - she does the driving. She has an artist draw a picture of them. They hop onto a merry-go-round and get on horses - she blows a kiss at him there. She takes him home and watches TV with him\nREO Speedwagon: And I can't fight this feelin' anymore I've forgotten what I started fightin' for And if I have to crawl upon the floor Come crashin' through your door Baby, I cant fight this feelin' anymore [the last scene is the two of them under the covers ]\nTeacher: That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand. [rolls to her right and starts massaging Ike tenderly] We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible? [lays back down]\nIke: [oops] Ike made a nuno.\nScene Description: The boy's room at South Park Elementary. Butters rushes in and towards the urinal. Once in place, he sets his hall pass aside, drops his pants, raises his shirt, and lets fly\nButters: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle? [falsetto] Yes I do think so.\nCartman: [bursts into the restroom. Butters is startled] Hands?! Let me see those hands!\nButters: [backs off] Haaaah!\nCartman: [advances] Where's your pass?! Show me your hall pass, brah!\nButters: [looks around frantically for it] It's, it's... I just had it! [keeps looking, but Cartman grabs him...]\nCartman: I knew it! [...slams his head against a toilet stall, then tosses him to the floor, cuffs him, and escorts him out of the restroom. Butters doesn't get a chance to pull his pants up. The hall pass remains on the sink where Butters left it.]\nScene Description: The waiting room outside the principal office, moments later. Cartman and Butters wait on the bench outside, and Butters still has his pants around his ankles\nCartman: Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right?\nButters: Huh?\nCartman: Here, you need a smoke, brah?\nButters: Uhh, okay. [Cartman puts a cigarette into Butters' mouth, then lights it for him]\nCartman: You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah.\nButters: I do. [coughs]\nCartman: Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a hall pass. Or you can see the light, brah. [Butters coughs some more]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, afternoon. Kyle walks in.\nSheila: [greets him holding some laundry] Kyle, I need you to go get your brother over at his teacher's house.\nKyle: Huh?\nSheila: Tell his teacher I'm sorry, but I forgot he has a doctor's appointment today.\nKyle: What's he doing at his teacher's house?\nSheila: He's been going there in the afternoons for private tutoring.\nScene Description: The teacher's house, a lovely one-story structure. Starland Vocal Band's \"Afternoon Delight\" is playing inside. Kyle walks up to the front door and knocks.\nKyle: Hello? [finds the door open and walks in] Excuse me. I'm here to pick up Ike? [moves further into the house] Uh, hello? Is Ike here? [enters the room the music and some giggling is coming from - it's the bathroom] Hello? [the teacher, in the bathtub, looks at him]\nTeacher: OOOH! [covers her breasts]\nKyle: Oh God! [squeezes his eyes shut] I'm sorry. [opens them again] I didn't mean to-ah, I'm looking for my brother. [Ike pops up out of the water dressed in snorkel gear. Kyle's eyebrows go up] Ike?? [they just look at him] What the hell is going on??\nTeacher: Oh, what's the use, Ike? We're caught. [moments later, an angry Kyle is pulling Ike towards the front door] Hold on, please, you don't understand.\nKyle: [turns to look at her] Really?! What's there not to understand?!\nTeacher: Your brother and I... are in love.\nKyle: He's a little young, don't you think?!\nIke: Oh. [angrily, he leaves Kyle for his teacher]\nTeacher: Ike is very mature for his age, and you know it!\nIke: Ring around the rosey.\nTeacher: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle-\nKyle: All right! We're getting the hell out of here! [begins to pull Ike away from the teacher]\nIke: [resisting] Nonono, nononono.\nKyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.\nIke: [sobbing] No, no.\nKyle: Ike?\nTeacher: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?\nKyle: [turns to the front door] This is nuts.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime.\nKyle: Mom, Dad, have you ever met Ike's kindergarten teacher? [Ike glares at Kyle]\nSheila: Miss Stevenson? Yes. She's very nice.\nKyle: Yeah. Well, she likes Ike a whole lot.\nSheila: That's great.\nKyle: Yyeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, Ike and Ms. Stevenson are having an-.\nIke: Spider-Man! I'm safe, Mom.\nSheila: Yes, Ike, you like Spider-Man, don't you?\nKyle: Mom, there might be something that you should look into about Ike staying after school all the time-\nIke: Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you.\nSheila: Mommy loves you too, sweetie.\nKyle: Would you excuse us for a second? [leaves his chair and takes Ike to the living room. Kyle now addresses Ike] You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Ike, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, Ike! [Ike replies with a series of snippets from nursery rhymes, which has nothing to do with Kyle's concern. Kyle is finished, and the two of them return to the table] Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex!\nSheila: Sex? Oh bubbe, Ike is much too young. [silence follows as the family continues eating]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Seems like Officer Barbrady and his police station have been phased out for good now. Detective Yates and his men are in the breakroom eating lunch\nDet. Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley.\nFoley: What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice.\nKyle: [appears at the breakroom entrance] Ex, excuse me? [the officers look, and he walks in] My name is... Brad. And uh I need to report a crime. Anonymously.\nYates: Oh? What's the crime?\nKyle: Well, I attend South Park Elementary, ah-and... w-one of the teachers is having sssex with a student.\nYates: Oh my God! This is terrible! [other officers say other things. Yates and another officer get on bended knee next to Kyle] Ya-you did the right thing telling the police, Brad. Now, who is the teacher? What's his name?\nKyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher. It's a woman.\nFoley: A woman?\nKyle: Yeah. She's having sex with a boy. [the officer to his right is taking notes.]\nMitch: Oh, but, but she's ugly, right?\nKyle: Well no, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stevenson.\nYates: The blonde?\nKyle: Yeah.\nFoley: Some young boy is having sex with Miss Stevenson?\nKyle: [firmly] Yes.\nFoley: Nisssse.\nYates: Nnice.\nKyle: What?! No, you don't understand-\nFoley: You sure they've had sex?\nKyle: Yeah.\nOfficer 1: Has she performed oral sex on him?\nKyle: I think so.\nOfficer 1: ...Nice.\nFoley: Nisssse.\nOfficer 1: [whispers] Nisssse.\nYates: So wait, what, what's the crime?\nFoley: The crime is, she isn't doing it with me. [jabs jokingly at Officer 2. All the officers laugh]\nKyle: Hay! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him.\nYates: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and... give him his \"Luckiest Boy In America\" medal right away. [All the officers laugh harder]\nKyle: [throws his hands up in frustration and leaves] Gargh!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The students at either at their lockers or milling around. Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny.\nKyle: Guys, can I talk to you?\nStan: Sure dude.\nKyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right? [Cartman walks up] My little brother and his tea-\nCartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways aright?\nKyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!\nStan: Dude, what's the matter?\nKyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.\nStan: ...Wow.\nKenny: (Reaaly??)\nCartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.\nKyle: It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.\nCartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.\nKyle: [looks long and hard at Cartman] \"stick it inside her and pee\"\nCartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.\nStan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.\nCartman: Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with.\nKyle: You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break, [Cartman waves Kyle off and walks away] and during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways! [this stops Cartman and makes his eyes big]\nCartman: They what??\nKyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!\nCartman: [spins around] Hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy!\nKyle: Well they're doing it!\nCartman: Yeah, well now it's personal! The hallways are my jurisdiction! If there's a hallway infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg!\nScene Description: Kindergarten class, in session\nMiss Stevenson: Okay, just continue with your macaroni pictures. Teacher has to step out for a second. Uh Ike, could you help me out, please? [Ike leaves his seat and joins Miss Stevenson outside. She puts him on the shelf of the telephone booth next to the classroom] Oh Ike, I just had to have a second alone with you.\nIke: I like dada better.\nMiss Stevenson: I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class. [she begins to kiss Ike. Cartman appears in the distance and turns right...]\nCartman: Hall infraction! [runs up to Miss Stevenson]\nMiss Stevenson: [turning to Cartman] Oh uhh, we were just heading back in.\nCartman: You got a hall pass, brah?!\nMiss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass. I'm a teacher.\nCartman: Yeah? Well, where's his hall pass?!\nMiss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in-\nCartman: Get down on the floor!\nMiss Stevenson: We're going back inside!\nCartman: [whips out the Bear Spray] You like bear mace, icehead?!\nMiss Stevenson: Bear mace??\nCartman: You're goin' with Christ! [sprays Miss Stevenson pretty good]\nMiss Stevenson: Oooooh!\nScene Description: Next stop, the principal's office. Cartman, Miss Stevenson and Ike stand before Principal Victoria\nCartman: ...And that's what I got, Principal brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person.\nPrincipal Victoria: \"Ike, I long to feel your arms around me\"?? Miss Stevenson, you- you're having a relationship with this student?\nCartman: Yes. During classtime, without a hall pass.\nPrincipal Victoria: This is unbelievable.\nCartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.\nPrincipal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.\nMiss Stevenson: [puts her hands to her cheeks] Oh God...\nCartman: You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, later. The front doors are open, revealing the school logo and the steps leading up to the hallways. Police and news reporters are present. Two officers exit with Miss Stevenson in handcuffs.\nYates: [sarcastically] Sorry we had to do this, but the lady principal insisted. [the officers move past Yates]\nRandy: [shows up next to Jimbo and Ned] What's goin' on?\nJimbo: The kindergarten teacher is suspected of having sex with a student\nRandy: With a student? But... she's a woman.\nJimbo: Yeah. I know.\nRandy: But... she's hot.\nKyle: Wow. I think I owe you one, Cartman.\nCartman: You don't owe me anything. My hallways are cleeean. [points his index fingers at the camera]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night, Kyle's room. Kyle is writing something out when Ike appears at his doorway, pissed off that his teacher was taken away\nKyle: [sensing Ike, turns around in his chair] Ike, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by the hallway monitor. [Ike glares at him] Okay, okay. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best.\nIke: You are dead to me!\nKyle: What?\nIke: I said, you're dead to me!\nKyle: I'm dead to you?\nIke: [points at him] You're dead to me, Kyle!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Miss Stevenson is calling someone from there as officers stand around and discuss police items\nMiss Stevenson: I'm at the police station. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared. [Ike is at the other end of the line] Listen, I want you to know it's okay. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this.\nScene Description: News 4 Newsbreak: A reporter in front of the South Park Courthouse\nReporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn! Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, Tom.\nMiss Stevenson: I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with one of my students.\nMan 1: Nice.\nMan 2: [whispers and squeezes his eyes shut] Nissse\nMiss Stevenson: I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic.\nOfficer 2: Ohhhh.\nScene Description: Kyle's hosue, day. Cartman and Kyle are watching the special report nn TV\nMiss Stevenson: Yes, I'm afraid it's true.\nCartman: Oh no!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense.\nScene Description: Back at the Courthouse\nMiss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.\nYates: Well, that explains it.\nFoley: Do we still press charges?\nYates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?\nMan 3: Poor woman. She's a victim.\nRandy: Yeah, she's a hot victim. [looks around for any reaction, but none comes]\nLawyer: [steps up to the mic] My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately. [everyone cheers her on]\nPrint reporter: Good luck, ma'am. You can beat your alcoholism. [more cheering]\nScene Description: Park County Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Center. Patients line up and go in through a revolving door only to come back out and continue down the line.\nScene Description: The office of a rehab counselor. Miss Stevenson is seated before the counselor.\nTherapist: Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?\nMiss Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.\nTherapist: Nissse. [sometime later, they're outside the center. He sees her off] Congratulations, Miss Stevenson.\nMiss Stevenson: All better now. [walks away, gets into her truck and drives away. She drives up to the Broflovski house, stops, gets out a ladder and extends it, props it up against Ike's window, and climbs up]\nScene Description: Ike's room. Ike is building something with Legos. Miss Stevenson appears at the window and opens it up\nMiss Stevenson: Ike. [climbs in and walks to Ike. He turns and stands, his arms outstretched]\nIke: Miss Stephenson [she kneels down, picks him up and holds him close]\nMiss Stevenson: Ike, we have to get out of here! They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about. [puts both her hands to her heart]\nIke: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan!\nMiss Stevenson: Get your things together. We don't have much time.\nScene Description: Kyle's room. He's at his desk copying text from from a book. He hears the sound of something landing on the ground outside, then of a car door closing. He gets up to investigate. He goes to Ike's room and opens the door, then looks around.\nKyle: Ike, are you okay? [sees an emptier room than usual, and the open window.] Ike? [walks up to the window and sees the ladder still in place.] Iiiike! [the teacher and Ike away.]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, breakroom day. The officers are now eating pizza.\nYates: Are you sure you're not lying, Foley?\nFoley: No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'!\nSheila: [enters the breakroom with Kyle following close behind] Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan!\nYates: You're kidding!\nSheila: No, it's true!\nYates: Damnit, where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!\nSheila: This is serious!\nOfficer 1: Yeah, boys going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI! [the officers laugh. Detective Yates smiles]\nSheila: Are you going to do nothing?!\nYates: [irritated] All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus...\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Kyle sits at the edge of the patio, depressed. Cartman walks up to him\nCartman: There you are. What are you doing? You giving up, brah?!\nKyle: Dude, my brother's in Milan. There's nothing I can do.\nCartman: No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning.\nKyle: How do you know that?\nCartman: I had Beth check out their Travelocity account.\nKyle: Who's Beth?\nCartman: Beth is my bitch. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that hallway-defilng slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?!\nScene Description: Music video. In this one, Cartman introduces his crew. One of them is \"Kyle, Jew.\"\nCartman: I got some badass guys to help me. I only had to pay them fifteen bucks. You think you got away with not having a hall pass? You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg! I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg! Think you can get away with not having a hall pass? Think again! [the video ends and the hallway looks normal again] How was that, Butters?\nButters: [behind the camera] Ehthat was pretty good.\nKyle: Can we get going now, please?!\nCartman: Yep. We're all done with the video, let's move out! [they go forth]\nScene Description: An airport Hilton, night. Planes can be seen behind it taking off.\nScene Description: A room at the Hilton. Ike is in bed watching TV. Miss Stevenson comes out of the bathroom.\nMiss Stevenson: Ike, is that all you're gonna do is watch TV?\nIke: I love TV. Yaaay!\nMiss Stevenson: [climbs into bed] But what about me? I want to talk. [Ike just goes back to watching the TV]\nScene Description: A car, night. Cartman and his crew are driving to the airport\nCartman: Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean!\nLeeroy: [in a retarded voice] She ran away; now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh?\nCartman: [determined] Beth found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel! [into the Intercom] Beth, tell Leeroy to pull up here! [Beth just signals for Earl to drive into the hotel driveway and stop at the front doors. Earl pulls up and brakes quickly] All right, let's go! Move out! [they leave the SUV and rush into the hotel]\nBellboy: Hey! You can't leave your car there!\nCartman: It's okay! I'm a hallway monitor! [they pass through the front entrance] Keep separation! Leeroy, check out our twenty!\nReceptionist: Can I help you?\nCartman: You seen this woman, brah? [shows her a picture of Miss Stevenson] She's staying here!\nReceptionist: Who are you?\nCartman: I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!\nHead concierge: I think you should leave before I call the police!\nCartman: Beth! Bear-mace that guy! [she sprays bear mace all over the concierge and he crumbles to the floor, trying to vomit] Let's check out the rooms! Leeroy and Kyle go that way! Beth, you come with me!\nBellboy: [dials 911] We need police here, right away! [Cartman begins his rounds. He goes to Room 236 and knocks on the door with the bear mace can]\nGuest 1: [a man, opens the door] Yes?\nCartman: I'm looking for this teacher! Is she in your room, brah?!\nGuest 2: [an elderly man in Room 233] Do you mind keepin' it down?\nCartman: [walks over to the second guest] Keep your mouth shut, brah!!\nScene Description: Ike and the teacher's room. Both of them react to something. In the distance, police sirens sound and get closer to the hotel. Miss Stevenson looks out the window and sees three police cruisers pull up to the hotel, right outside her window\nMiss Stevenson: Oh no! Ike! [Ike climbs up to see the commotion] They're on to us!\nIke: Oh no!\nMiss Stevenson: Hurry darling! We have to get out of here!\nScene Description: The hotel lobby. The police rush in\nOfficers: What have we got? What have we got?!\nOfficer 3: Who called 911?!\nReceptionist: They went that way. [points in the direction Kyle and Leeroy took. The concierge barfs continuously. The officers leave] Look out! They have bear mace!\nScene Description: The hotel, upstairs. Kyle and Leeroy make the rounds on the third floor.\nLeeroy: [pounds at the door at Room 323] Open up! I'm with the Dawg! [pounds some more]\nKyle: Oh crap! [some officers round the corner at the far end of the hall]\nOfficer 4: [draws his gun] You freeze right there! [Kyle and Leeroy run in the other direction]\nScene Description: The fifth floor. Miss Stevenson covers up and peeks into the hallway. She looks both ways, then steps out of the room\nMiss Stevenson: Come on, darling! [Ike steps out and they beginning walking. Earl rounds the corner behind them and catches them]\nEarl: Hey! [they stop and the camera zooms in on Earl.] Uh I got 'em, Dawg. Fifth floor!\nCartman: Praise Christ! Let's go! [the elderly man is convulsing from the effects of the bear mace.]\nMiss Stevenson: Ike, run! [back on the second floor, Cartman and Beth run down a hallway]\nCartman: Bear mace that guy! And that guy! [Beth maces another bellboy and a guest as she and Cartman run by. Police officers round the corner and run after them]\nScene Description: The roof. Miss Stevenson and Ike have made it all the way to the top. Cartman, Beth and Earl show up behind them and run out onto the roof. Police officers show up behind them and run out onto the roof\nCartman: Freeze, bitch!\nOfficer 5: Freeze!\nOfficer 6: Hands up! Hands up!\nOfficer 7: Don't move! Don't move!\nCartman: It's all right! There's been a misunderstanding! I'm a hall monitor. [the officers are somewhat stunned] This fugitive is trying to avoid a hallway infraction by skipping off to Milan.\nOfficer 8: Hey, that is the teacher we just got the report about. [she and Ike back up slowly, towards the roof's edge. Kyle and Leeroy show up]\nOfficer 5: [through his bullhorn] All right, Miss Stevenson, you got nowhere to go!\nMiss Stevenson: Why couldn't you just leave us alone? All we wanted was to love.\nCartman: Get down! We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Dawg-style!\nLeeroy: She gawt a scarf awn her heyed, huh?\nMiss Stevenson: It's all over, Ike. Milan, the house in Tuscany. They'll never let us be together! We have to go with the backup plan. [she and Ike walk to the roof's edge and look down at the ground]\nOfficer 5: [through his bullhorn] Now hold on, don't do anything foolish! We can talk about this!\nMiss Stevenson: [returns from the edge with Ike] You can't accept our love? So then we can only be together in eternity.\nKyle: [steps through Cartman and Beth towards Ike] No! Ike, don't do it!\nIke: I don deser futty bad man.\nKyle: Ike, please. I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not. You have so much life ahead of you. [Ike looks at Kyle intently]\nMiss Stevenson: You who don't believe in true love don't understand.\nKyle: Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. Then ruin it by having a serious relationship. [Ike thinks it over]\nMiss Stevenson: I'm afraid you're too late. [to Ike] Are you ready, my love? [she and Ike turn around and run for the edge] Here we go! One, two, three, aaaahhh! [she jumps over the edge, Ike turns back and walks towards Kyle. She looks up at the roof's edge] Ike?? [she lands on her back and dies on impact]\nIke: Yaaaay!\nKyle: Ike!\nCartman: [moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.\nOfficer 6: Hey kid, you need to get off the roof now.\nCartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. [walks towards the camera to turn it off.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Hell, outside Satan's castle.\nScene Description: Hell, inside the castle. Satan is seated on his throne with two lava fountains behind him, one on either side. Before each fountain is a pile of bleached skulls. Before the throne is a semicircular table with six elder demons sitting behind it. Nine steps lead up to the throne\nSatan: [slow and deliberate] Halloween is a night for evil. It is time for me to take what is mine.\nDemon 1: [the pale one] What do you plan, Lord Satan?\nSatan: On Halloween we shall open the Gates of Hell, rise up to the earth, and we will rent out the entire W Hotel, for an awesome party, and invite a bunch of celebrities!\nDemon 2: [second from right] How big a party are we talking?\nSatan: Have you seen those rich, spoiled, teenage girls who have massive Sweet 16 parties? That big.\nDemon 2: Satan, we can't possibly do-\nSatan: SILENCE! [descends from his thrown to the floor] Halloween is about me! And I deserve a par-ty! This... shall be MY Super Sweet 16!! [raises his arms up in victory and laughs heartily. A few blasts of steam pop out of volcanoes and the citizens of Hell are frightened. Satan's image appears in the smoke] Minions of Hell! The time has come for us to rise! For my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party!! [the minions look at each other] I got Bacardi, and Ghetto One to sponsor the party, and I'm calling it [a poster for the event appears] Hell On Earth 2006! [everyone yells approval] But now, heed my words: in order to get in to the party, you have to RSVP and get a blue wristband. Everyone is gonna try and get into this party, so if you don't get your wristband in advance, or you're not wearing that wristband at the door, you're NOT GETTING IN!! [the volcanoes fire off another batch of smoke and the minions tremble] And NOW know this: It's a costume party, so you have to wear a costume. BUT... nobody better show up as The Crow! I'm serious. Every costume party there's like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow 'cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It's lame! If you come dressed as the Crow, you're NOT GETTING IN to the party!! [the volcanoes fire off another batch of smoke and the minions tremble] Go now and prepare!! If you miss my party you are a looozer!! [laughs miniacally and vanishes. The minions tremble once more]\nGeorge Burns: Oh boy, a Halloween party up on Earth.\nGhandi: I can't believe he got the entire W Hotel.\nPrincess Diana: This is going to be the best Halloween ever. [Other minions raise their arms and cheer]\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. The house looks darker than normal, but that could be because the lights are on and jack-o'lanterns decorate the windows and the steps outside.\nScene Description: Stan's House, bathroom, in the dark. The boys has turned it into something of a temple, with candles on the vanity to make it look like an altar, and another two candles on the toilet seat cover. Kyle is in there with five other students: Stan, Cartman, Butters, Token, and Tweek. Kyle looks at the mirror.\nStan: Go ahead, Kyle, do it.\nKyle: [glances defiantly at Stan] I am doing it.\nTweek: No! Don't do it!\nCartman: What's the big deal, Kyle? You just look in the mirror, and say the name three times.\nKyle: [blinking rather quickly] Biggie. Smalls... Biggie Smalls...\nCartman: See? You're scared. Because you know if you say it a third time, he's gonna show up and shoot you in the face. [starts imitating a hen's cluck]\nKyle: Fine! [hops off the stool and walks past Cartman] Then YOU do it, you're so tough!\nCartman: I've done it lots of times.\nKyle: [pushes Cartman to the stool] Prove it!\nCartman: [now on the stool facing the mirror, laughs a bit] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... This is dumb, you guys, let's do somethin' else.\nKyle: You're afraid to do it, too.\nCartman: I am not!\nButters: Then do it, if you're not yellow! [Cartman is shocked that Butters talked to him this way, so he raises a fist as if he's about to punch him in the face. Butters flinches.]\nCartman: [turns back to the mirror] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [the door opens and Jimmy enters]\nJimmy: Hey fellas. [Cartman freaks out and falls from the stool.] You should come downstairs. Stan's mom made pa-pizza.\nThe other boys: [rushing out of the bathroom] Let's go. Yeah, let's go!\nCartman: Oh my God. I crapped my pants. [feels his ass through his pants to be sure] You guys, I crapped my pants! [thinks, then leaves the bathroom] Heheh. You guys! You guys, check it out!\nScene Description: Back at Hell's castle, Satan gazes at his crystal ball. The pale demon enters.\nDemon 1: Satan, I must speak with thee.\nSatan: [turns around] What is it?\nDemon 1: You've invited so many celebrities on Earth to your party that people in Hell can't get wristbands.\nSatan: Well I have to invite celebrities or else my party won't be cool.\nDemon 1: Satan, I warn thee, do not throw this party at the cost of alienating your friends.\nSatan: [childishly] I'm not alienating my friends! I know they come first!\nDemon 1: I hope for your sake that's true. You've never thrown a party of this magnitude before, Satan. Be wary. [turns and leaves]\nScene Description: Cathedral of Our Lady Of the Angels, morning. Inside, Cardinal Mahoney addresses a group of Church leaders\nCardinal Mahoney: Halloween has always been a time of evil and darkness. But now it appears that Satan will literally be among us. He is bringing Hell here to Los Angeles, and from what we understand, the gathering is going to be... completely off the hook. [the clergymen begin to murmur amongst themselves] There's more: None of us... are invited. [the murmurs get louder]\nBishop 1: None?\nBishop 2: Satan mocks us.\nBishop 3: His party must be stopped.\nPriest 1: Yes, we cannot let evil take over our city, even for a night. [he's holding a leash... which has a small naked boy at the other end of it.]\nPriest 2: [an old priest with his own boy] What can we do? [more boys on leashes begin to appear]\nResident Bishop: Tomorrow night, after all of Satan's guests have arrived, we'll call in a complaint about how many people are there. We'll see how long Satan's party lasts... after the fire marshal shows up.\nScene Description: Butters' house, bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth for the night. He's wearing some Wonder Bread pajamas.\nButters: That's why I like to brush my teeth; I know they're clean and white. All the [begins to choke on the words and spits out some toothpaste] I truly love to brush my teeth. [smiles, then frowns. He looks around, then] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [hesitates a bit] Biggie Smalls... [a second later, Biggie materializes behind Butters]\nBiggie Smalls: What the fuck is THIS?!\nButters: AAAAH! [dodges the bullets Biggie begins firing at him.]\nBiggie Smalls: Hey! [Butters falls off the stool and gets up, runs to the bathroom door and gets out without getting any bullets in him, and makes his way to the front door.]\nButters: [runs outside] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [his parents pull into the driveway just as Butters leaves the front steps, and get out of the car]\nStephen: Butters! We told you to be in bed! What are you doing?!\nButters: I summoned Biggie Smalls, the hip-hop rapper!\nStephen: You had a nightmare! Turn around and get back in your room right now!\nButters: But Dad, he's gonna bust a cap in my ass!\nStephen: Well, you wanna get shot or you wanna be grounded?!\nButters: AAAAAAAAAAH! [runs back up to his room]\nStephen: [to his wife Linda] ...Honestly, why do let him watch that darn Black Entertainment Channel?\nScene Description: The W Hotel. Satan is present with his chief demons and the head W staffers.\nSatan: So I want the DJ to set up over here, and then the main dance floor area can be this whole area right here.\nMale Staffer: What about valets? Ha, how will people be arriving from Hell?\nSatan: Oh, it's like a dimensional vortex gate thingy, they won't have cars.\nFemale Staffer: Buut we're probably gonna want security at the dimensional vortex gate.\nSatan: I want all the servers dressed in skimpy outfits serving all the hors d'oeuvres.\nDemon 1: This is getting really expensive.\nSatan: Shut up, it's Halloween! This is my night! Then at midnight, for dessert, I'm thinking over here, we bring out a huuuge chocolate fondue fountain.\nMale Staffer: Oh yeah, P Diddy had his birthday party here a couple years back and he had one of those.\nSatan: Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P Diddy had one.\nDemon 1: [between his teeth] Does it matter?!\nSatan: Yes it matters! I don't wanna do it if Diddy did it!\nDemon 1: How about a doughnut machine?\nSatan: Did Diddy do it?\nMale Staffer: Diddy did do it.\nSatan: A full ice cream bar!\nMale Staffer: Diddy did it.\nSatan: [steps forward in frustration] Damnit, what didn't Diddy do?! [thinks a moment] Wait. I know. [turns right] Yes. It's perfect. At midnight, all the lights go down. The music stops. And then we wheel in... a Ferrari. Only it isn't a Ferrari... It's a cake. And everyone gets a piece.\nDemon 1: A Ferrari cake?\nMale Staffer: Diddy didn't do it.\nDemon 1: Satan, really, the logistics of getting a cake the size of a Ferrari made in time-\nSatan: [spins around] This party has to be the bomb! Don't you get it?! [turns around] When everyone sees the Ferrari cake, [makes a fist and says in a low voice] they will shudder and know my greatness!\nDemon 3: Hear me, demons! Lord Satan has demanded a Ferrari cake! Now I will take charge of Halloween, and call upon the spirits of Hell's most evil souls! Ted Bundy! [walks into view] Jeffrey Dahmer! [walks into view] And John Wayne Gacy! [walks into view. Each entrance is accompanied by newspaper clippings and actual background shots of their faces] You shall rise once again to walk the earth, for tomorrow is Halloween, and I need you... to pick up Satan's Ferrari cake, and deliver it to the W Hotel!\nBundy: No problem.\nDahmer: We can handle it.\nDemon 3: Heed my words: Satan's entire Halloween depends on this Ferrari cake. Fail, and you will know his greatest wrath!\nScene Description: Butters' room, later. He slowly opens his door and looks inside. Quickly, he enters and closes the door, then begins to sneak across the room. He feels a gun against his head and looks up\nSmalls: You punkass fool!\nButters: Haaaah.\nSmalls: Why'd you summon me?\nButters: P-please don't ice me, homie?\nSmalls: You'd better have a good reason, sucka!\nButters: I just... w-was seein' if it works.\nSmalls: [lowers the pistol and walks away] Damn! Every Halloween I gots tuh deal with this shit! I'm in hell, mindin' my own business, and the next thing I know, I'm in some kid's bafroom.\nButters: [scared] I Iii, I apologize, Mr. Smalls.\nSmalls: [returns and places the tip of the gun against Butters' forehead] You don't understand, fool! I ain't missin' the party!\nButters: W-what party?\nSmalls: I already got my wristband, see? [lowers the gun and shows off the blue wristband Satan was passing out] You've got to get me to Los Angeles!\nButters: Uh whah well can't you just take a plane?\nSmalls: How, punk?! We don't use money in here, ni**a!\nButters: Well damn, ni**er, there's gotta be some way!\nSmalls: [places the tip of the gun against Butters' forehead again] This is your fault, homie! You've gots to get me to that party in L.A., or i'm gonna smoke your ass!\nButters: Oh hamburgers!\nScene Description: Satan's castle. Some of his advisors come to talk to him...\nDemon 1: Yes. Yes, Satan. Your Halloween costume turned out perfect.\nSatan: [dressed as the Crow] Yeah, it's okay, but everyone thinks Zazul's schoolgirl costume is hotter.\nZazul: [Deomn 3] Ehhhhhhh.\nSatan: Zazul, switch costumes with me.\nDemon 1: Satan, Zazul worked really hard on his costume.\nSatan: Nobody can look hotter than me! It's my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party! Take it off, Zazul. [dejected, Zazul walks away slowly] And what about my Ferrari cake?! Where's the Ferrari cake?!\nDemon 1: Relax, it's being picked up from the bakery.\nScene Description: Montage, to the tune of Yello's \"Oh Yeah.\" The bakers have made a life-size replica of a Ferrari and are now decorating it. The bakery in question is Napoleon Bakery. Bundy, Dahmer, and Gacy appear at the door\nBundy: [looking at a map] All right, this is the place. Now remember, you numbskulls, this Ferrari cake is really important for Satan's party, so don't louse it up!\nDahmer: [as Larry] Who's lousing?\nBundy: [as Moe] Come 'ere. [Dahmer draws near, Bundy slaps him] Shut up! [Bundy opens the doors and the three killers go inside]\nHead Baker: Can I help you?\nBundy: We're here to pick up the Ferrari cake.\nHead Baker: Ohhh yes, it's just about finished. What kind of truck are we loading it up to?\nBundy: We got that flatbed. [Gacy whips out a butcher knife]\nHead Baker: Okay well, we're just gonna need to- GYAAAH! [Gacy has just impaled him and begins to slice his body in two by moving the knife towards his head]\nBundy: Gacy, you numbskull, what'd ya kill him for?!\nGacy: [as Curly] I didn't mean tuh. [a second baker comes out of the kitchen]\nBundy: Give me that! [takes the knife from him and smacks him upside the head]\nGacy: Oh!\nBundy: What's the matter with you?! [hands the knife to Dahmer] Take this!\nBaker 2: Everything all right? [Dahmer stabs him in the throat with the knife.] Bwa! Gaaaghaghaghagh!\nBundy: You nincompoop! [bops him on the head]\nDahmer: Ow.\nBundy: That was the baker!\nDahmer: He startled me.\nBundy: [looks to his left] Gacy! [goes into the kitchen, where Gacy is stabbing away at a third baker] What'dja kill him for?! [bops him on the head] Siddonw!\nGacy: I'm a victim of circumstance. [Dahmer bops him on the head]\nBundy: [grabs Dahmer by the back of the head] Ahh, who're you hittin'? [picks him in the eyes.]\nDahmer: Ohhhh... [stumbles away]\nGacy: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Bundy smacks him] Oh!\nBundy: [to Dahmer] Get outta here. [to Gacy] Be quiet. [Gacy makes like he's rubbing blood from his face as he groans] You idiots! Now who's gonna help us load the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed?!\nScene Description: Butters' house, later. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Jimmy, Tweek, and Token are with Butters, and their parents are behind them. Stan's parents are not there. The police have arrived to talk to Butters' parents\nOfficer: Did your son say anything before he disappeared, Mrs. Stotch?\nLinda: He just said something about... summoning Biggie Smalls... [upon hearing this, the other boys know what happened and look at each other.]\nCartman: Dude...\nJimmy: Du... du... dude.\nScene Description: Stan's house, moments later.\nStan: [rushes into the living room with the other boys] Dad! Dad!\nRandy: [reading his newspaper on the sofa] What?\nStan: If you look in the mirror and say Biggie Smalls' name three times, he doesn't come and get you, right??\nRandy: [thinks a moment] Biggie Smalls?\nCartman: You know, escargot, my cargo, one eighteen, sippin' on booze at the House of Blues\nRandy: [folds his paper up and rises] All right, boys, I know it's Halloween, but you can't summon dead rappers in the mirror.\nCartman: How do you know??\nRandy: I'm a geologist! [leaves]\nKyle: He's right. It's just a spooky story.\nTweek: Hguh. Then how come you couldn't do it?\nKyle: I can do it. It just got... look, it just doesn't matter, because it's not true.\nCartman: How can we be sure? How do we know Butters isn't with Biggie right now? Being tormented by him?\nScene Description: Up in the sky. A jet plane heads towards Los Angeles\nButters: I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh, yeah, I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh-\nSmalls: Yo dawg, keep it down.\nButters: Yo dawg, uh, can't I just go back home right after the flight so I don't get grounded?\nSmalls: Oh no! YOU summoned my spirit, YOU're gettin' me all the way to the party! As long as I get to the party in time to party, everything'll be all right. [begins to vanish] Hey! [Smalls is gone]\nScene Description: Kyle's bathroom. The boys are assembled once again to summon Biggie Smalls\nKyle: ...Smalls. [Smalls materializes]\nSmalls: Oh, God-damnit! [the boys scream and run out of the bathroom, leaving Kyle on the stool]\nStan: It does work!!\nKyle: Holy crap!!\nSmalls: [pulls out his gun...] That's it! Now I'm pissed! [...and begins firing away. Kyle and Token are the last to leave.]\nScene Description: The W, moments later. Klieg lights are lit up and light up the night as guests arrive. The camera pans around showing the costumed people waiting outside and the party scene inside. Pumpkin disco balls spin around slowly from the ceiling. Two bartenders mix drinks. A large poster of Satan is up on a wall, a DJ spins records.\nGeorge Burns: Hehey, everybody. Check out Hitler. [Hitler appears with a cell phone attached to his ear] He's the \"Can you hear me now?\" guy. [the minions around him laugh]\nHitler: [moves from spot to spot and asks] Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? [the minions around him laugh again]\nSatan: [introducing himself] Everyone quiet! Here he is, the man of the night, SATAN! [four Chippendale men enter, two with leather pants and two with leather briefs, carrying Satan on a litter. Satan is seated on his throne dressed as a girl celebrating her Sweet 16 party. Adolf Hitler wanders by still testing out that cell phone] Get out of the way, Hitler! You're ruining my entrance! Gaau!\nScene Description: Outside, across the street from the hotel entrance, some Catholic clergy have gathered around a pay phone. Cardinal Roger Mahoney places a call\nCardinal Mahoney: Yes, hello? It this the fire department? [the other clergy whisper and remind him what to say, he whispers back] Wait, shh, shh, shh. [normal voice] I need to make a complaint to the fire marshal. [listens for the reply] He's what? Where? [soon hangs up, having gotten nowhere] Damn your evil heart, Satan!!\nResident Bishop: What?\nCardinal Mahoney: The Fire Marshal is at the party! Satan invited him!\nPriest: Satan's trickery knows no bounds!\nCardinal Mahoney: That's it! One way or another, we're crashing this party!\nScene Description: Back at the party. Satan is talking to a bouncer\nSatan: This is VIP. Don't just let anybody into my VIP area, okay? [the bouncer walks away and an elderly minion arrives]\nFrank Sinatra: Hey, Satan, you got a little problem.\nSatan: What?\nFrank Sinatra: Somebody showed up in a Crocodile Hunter costume. It's really offending some of the other guests.\nSatan: Oh jeez. [walks over to the offending guest, who happens to be none other than Steve Irwin, with a stingray attached to his chest. Steve looks around with a smile on his face. Satan arrives] Hey, uh, hi, listen, dude, ya know, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing? It... it's just a little soon, you know? I mean, he just dies a few weeks ago and... it's just not supercool and you gotta leave.\nSteve Irwin: But it's me, Satan. Steve Irwin. I am the Crocodile Hunter.\nSatan: [thinks a moment] Oh... oh, but then, dude, no costume. Sorry, you gotta go. [two bouncers come and escort him away]\nSteve Irwin: Wait! I thought we were friends!\nSatan: [watches Irwin leave, then] Oh hey, Sinatra! [walks away]\nMale Staffer: Demonius! [approaches a minion wearing a Captain America outfit] Demonius, we have a problem!\nDemonius: [the pale elder demon, lifts up his mask] What is it?\nMale Staffer: The Ferrari cake! It isn't here!\nDemonius: What?? Don't even tell me that!\nMale Staffer: It was never delivered to the hotel.\nDemonius: Deva! Fetch my Blackberry! That Ferrari cake must get here by midnight! [lowers his mask and moves on]\nScene Description: a short pops up - The Three Murderers, using music from The Three Stooges\nScene Description: The scene is the Napoleon Bakery. Gacy and Dahmer guide the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed. Bundy is at the controls. A man walks by and stops to watch\nMan: Do you gentlemen need a hand? [Gacy and Dahmer look; Gacy runs over, jumps on him and stabs him to death with a knife. Bundy notices, jumps out of the crane and runs over]\nBundy: Gacy! [Gacy jumps off the man and cleans the knife quickly] Whatcha do that foor?!\nGacy: I did it for Dahmer.\nBundy: For Dahmer?\nGacy: Yeah. He likes havin' sex with dead bodies. [Dahmer is shown pumping away, from the elbow up]\nBundy: Dahmer! Stop havin' sex with them intestines!\nDahmer: What good are intestines if you can't have sex with them?\nBundy: [slaps Dahmer hard] We gotta get rid of this body before anyone sees it! [brings out a portable saw and begins sawing the body to bits. The crane continues moving the cake around, and no one is at the controls. Bundy finishes cutting up the body] Now get those to the trashcan! [Gacy has the man's head, Dahmer has the man's left forearm and starts eating it] Stop eating that! [takes the forearm and slaps him with it.]\nGacy: Leave him alone! [Bundy slaps him with the forearm] Unh!\nBundy: Cut it! [punches Gacy in the belly] Come 'ere, ya. [takes Dahmer's right hand and places it under Gacy's chin, then forces an upper cut with his own fist]\nDahmer, Gacy: Oh! [both men then take their right hands and move them up an imaginary pole]\nDahmer: There. [Bundy punches them both in the belly and the nose] Oh. [the cable snaps and the cake drops down a bit] The cake! [the pulley is undone and the cake flips over and hits the ground. Pieces of it fly everywhere. The three murderers are covered in it]\nBundy: Oh no!\nGacy: Mmm, Ferrari.\nBundy: [smacks him] What's the matter with you?! It's ruined!\nDahmer: We're gonna get it now.\nScene Description: Back at the party...\nA guest: This is a really extravagant party, Satan.\nSatan: I know, but just wait till midnight. You are not gonna believe what's coming for desert! [laughs heartily]\nScene Description: The entrance. The bouncers let a Conehead and a maid enter, and the Catholic clergy are next in line. They show their wristbands, which are yellow, not blue\nBlack Bouncer: Uh, these aren't the right wristbands.\nA Bishop: Uh, yes they are.\nWhite Bouncer: Then how come they say \"Knott's Berry Farm\"? [the clergy get restless, the bouncers hold them back]\nCardinal Mahoney: In the name of Christ, just let us in!\nScene Description: Denver International Airport. The other six boys are now going to Satan's party with Biggie Smalls. Kyle is ordering the tickets\nStan: We're really sorry, Mr. Smalls.\nSmalls: Not as sorry as you're gonna be, if I completely miss the party!\nTicket agent: Here you go, flight 72 to Los Angeles boarding in 10 minutes.\nKyle: [gets the ticket and goes back to Satan] See? You can still make it for the end of the party.\nSmalls: Yeah, I'm just gonna be pissed if I miss- [begins to vanish again] What the? No! No!\nScene Description: Stan's bathroom. Randy is now summoning Biggie Smalls\nRandy: ...Smalls. [Bigge Smalls materializes behind him] No way!\nSmalls: Motherfucking God-damnit!\nRandy: That's pretty cool. Hey, Hey Sharon!\nSmalls: Cool this, sucka! [begins firing at Randy, who's grazed by a few bullets but runs out of the bathroom.]\nScene Description: A second Three Murderers short. This time, the murderers have dressed as chefs so they can make the Ferrari cake themselves\nBundy: All right, listen you mugs! It's now 11:30. That means we only have twenty minutes to bake a new Ferrari cake.\nDahmer: No problem! It just so happens that I went to an Italian cooking school.\nBundy: Yeah? Why'd you quit?\nDahmer: There weren't enough Italians to eat. [a second later Bundy smacks him across the face]\nGacy: Nyak nyak nyak nyak nya-eh [Bundy moves his hand in front of Gacy and then moves it around his head] Nyaaa nyaaaa\nBundy: Get over here! [pulls Gacy by the left ear. Dahmer follows. They go to a clean, ready counter] All right, what's the recipe call for first?\nDahmer: Ten thousand eggs.\nBundy: Gacy, go get ten thousand eggs.\nGacy: You get 'em!\nBundy: [bops him on the head] Shut up!\nGacy: Nyaaaaa! [pokes Bundy in the left eye]\nBundy: Oh! Ohh, wise guy, ey? [pokes both of Gacy's eyes out, leaving him with bleeding sockets]\nGacy: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!\nBundy: How's that?\nDahmer: Hey! Leave him alone! [gets the knife and stabs him in the ribs]\nBundy: AAA!\nDahmer: [sticks his tongue out at Bundy] Nehhh!\nBundy: Try that again!\nDahmer: [sticks his tongue out at Bundy again] Nehhh! [Bundy grabs the tongue and cuts it right out with a knife]\nGacy: What happened??\nBundy: Shut up! [smacks Gacy with Dahmer's tongue. Dahmer sticks a knife in Bundy's chin, making him fall down. Gacy with loss of eyesight smacks Dahmer's head open with a rolling pin, leaving his brains pouring out]\nScene Description: A men's room in the hotel. Various costumed men are there looking at a man dressed as John Elway tries to summon Biggie Smalls, daring him all the while\nCowboy: He can't do it, he can't do it.\nJohn Elway: All right, be quiet. [laughs] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [the others crowd in for the payoff] Oh I can't do it! I'm too freaked out. [the others laugh at him as he leaves the restroom]\nScene Description: Back at the hotel...\nMale Staffer: What do we do?? It's midnight. The Ferrari cake never arrived!\nZazul: This is terrible!\nDemonius: [rushes up] It's okay! It's okay! [lifts up his mask] I found a backup! Go ahead and start the ceremony! [the music dies out and the lights go down]\nZazul: [through the party's speakers] Your attention please: It is now midnight! Time for Satan's special surprise. [the guests gather around a raised platform]\nA Guest: I wonder what this is going to be.\nSatan: [in a low voice, making a fist] Just you wait. [the sound of revving car engines play through the speaker system. The doors open and the surprise is revealed] Yes. Here it comes. [the car is rolled into place and begins rotating counterclockwise]\nZazul: Ladies and gentlemen: a fully edible Acura cake! [the guests cheer, not knowing what Satan really wanted]\nSatan: Acura?? But I wanted a Ferrari! [Zazul and Demonius are quickly at his side]\nDemonius: We did the best we could; there was a problem.\nZazul: Acuras are really nice.\nSatan: IT'S NOT THE CAR I WANTED! THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED! [one swing of his left arm and Zazul flies out of the picture]\nDemonius: It doesn't matter. Your guests are having fun. They don't care.\nSatan: [jumps up and down] IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM, IT'S ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE!!! [his voice echoes throughout the hotel and no one says a word for several seconds]\nFrank Sinatra: Wow, what a jerk.\nA Cowboy: Come on, Helen. Let's just go back to hell. I'm suddenly not so hungry for Acura cake.\nSatan: Oh God, what's happened to me? I've never been this terrible before. By trying to have a party like those spoiled rich teenage girls on MTV, I've become like one of them.\nZazul: [returns] Satan, don't be so hard on yourself. You're not as bad as they are.\nSatan: But I am. Throwing people out, making a big entrance, having these stupid pictures of me all over. Halloween is supposed to be for everyone. Everybody, I'm sorry. This party is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl. [the guest begin to applaud the speech] Open the doors! Let everyone in, wristband or no! [everyone cheers at this and the waiting guests rush in, including the Catholic clergy and their naked boys on leashes. Butters appears in the crowd and stops a catwoman powdering herself]\nScene Description: Outside\nButters: Uhh, excuse me. uh ma'am, can I borrow that? [she hands him her mirror, and he looks into it] Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls. [Smalls materializes next to him]\nSmalls: What the-?\nButters: Thanks. [hands the mirror back to the catwoman, and she enters the party]\nSmalls: I am soo sick of this! Wait, I'm at the party.\nButters: Sure, homie. I got your back, yo.\nSmalls: [happily] And it's not too late. Hey, why don't you come in with me?\nButters: Wull what the heck? I'm gonna get grounded anyway, might as well. [they both enter the party happily]\nScene Description: Inside. Butters is dancing with everyone else, the priests dance with their naked boys, Satan dances with Captain America."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Mall, dawn. One red car is seen on the parking lot.\nScene Description: EV Games. Advertisements for the upcoming Nintendo Wii are plastered all over the windows. Cartman paces the floor in front of the store\nCartman: [under his breath] Come ohhhn! Come ohhhn! Oh, for the love of God, how much longer?! [his mom arrives]\nLiane: There you are, Eric. What are you doing here?\nCartman: I'm waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to come out.\nLiane: When does it come out?\nCartman: Three weeks. Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn!\nLiane: [takes him by the hand] It's time for school.\nCartman: [yanks his hand away and runs back to the store] No Mom, you don't understand! I've been waiting for this thing to come out for months. And now, every day time is slowing down. It's like... waiting for Christmas... times a thousand.\nLiane: Eric, you're just going to have to be patient. [pulls him away again]\nCartman: Noo!! Nooo!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison's voice is heard\nMrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it is wrong! [she's at the principal's office, her back to the principal's desk.] It is wrong and I simply will not do it! [walks back to the desk] I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies! [pounds the desk for emphasis] I am NOT teaching evolution in my class!! [Mr. Mackey is also present]\nPrincipal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it.\nMrs. Garrison: Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey!! I'm a woman!\nMr. Mackey: M, m'kay. Ya-you realize evolution has been pretty much uhhh... proven.\nMrs. Garrison: I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!\nPrincipal Victoria: Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything.\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom, later. The kids are chatting and moving about the classroom. Cartman is blabbering incoherently\nCartman: How long until Nintendo Wii comes out now?!\nStan: It's still three weeks.\nCartman: Oh God... [shivers like someone in withdrawal] Okay, how long now?\nKyle: Will you shut up already?! [Mrs. Garrison enters and isn't too happy about her lesson]\nMrs. Garrison: All right kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.\nButters: Oh boy!\nMrs. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP. [nobody says anything] But I've been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this: [goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer.] In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its [waves his left hand limply] mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this. [points to a rodent] retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a... monkey fish-frog... And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and... that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and... that made you! [faces the class. A new girl is seated in the front row, looking around] So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!\nCartman: [hopping out of his chair and running out] HEHHH! I can't take it anymore! HAAAAAH!\nMrs. Garrison: Yeah? You see? I knew that would happen.\nScene Description: EV Games, next time. Cartman again paces the floor in front of the store.\nCartman: Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn! [a store clerk notices and walks over]\nClerk: Look, kid, for the fortieth time, pacing in front of the store isn't gonna make the Wii come any faster. [he goes back inside, and Liane walks up]\nLiane: Eric, you're coming home right now!\nCartman: Can't I just stay and... look at the sign a little longer?\nLiane: It's almost bedtime. If you sleep then time'll go by faster.\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15.\nCartman: Oh God!\nScene Description: He throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. He peeks at the clock, then squeezes his eyes shut again, turns over... Moments later he's on his pillow, his left leg dangling over the foot of the bed. Next, he's on his belly, looking over the foot of the bed. Next, he's tossing and turning, and sees the time now: 2:16. He gets up and walks to the wall calendar, where he has Nov. 19 marked - a Sunday, the day the Wii comes out. Halloween is marked off, so it's now less than three weeks. He logs onto the Internet and fires up his browser - he gets an ad for the Wii, coming in three weeks. He's now downstairs watching early-morning TV. He paces in front of the TV, then heads for the fridge. Finding nothing to eat, he goes back upstairs and looks at the clock in his room: 2:18. He throws down the clock and throws a fit\nCartman: Agh! That does it!! I am not waiting three weeks!!\nScene Description: The bus stop, later in the morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus.\nCartman: You guys! You guys! You guys, you gotta help me.\nStan: Dude you don't look so good, Cartman.\nCartman: I can't take it anymore, you guys. The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me.\nKyle: Well there's nothing you can do, so you just have to be patient.\nCartman: [assertively] No. There is something I can do.\nKenny: (What?)\nCartman: All right, listen: you know how in space movies they put astronauts in suspender animation so that their trip seems really short, right? [turns around] I think I figured out how to do it.\nStan: Do what?\nCartman: Freeze myself. If I freeze myself, then in three weeks, when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me. The wait will seem instantaneous to me.\nKyle: No.\nCartman: It's simple science, Kyle.\nKyle: You'll die, retard!\nCartman: I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out!! Don't you see this is my only chance!!\nStan: Dude, no way.\nKyle: Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you.\nCartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After everything we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself! [walks away in a huff]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The new girl, her parents, and Mrs. Garrison are in the principal's office.\nFather: Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?!\nMrs. Garrsion: I told you this would happen, didn't I?!\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that-\nMr. Triscotti: We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!\nMrs. Garrsion: I hear ya.\nPrincipal Victoria: Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class.\nMr. Triscotti: You most certainly will!\nDaughter: But Dad, I want to learn everything.\nMr. Triscotti: No you don't! Shut up! [takes his daughter and leaves the room]\nMrs. Garrsion: Well, I told you. We should leave evolution out of the classrooms.\nPrincipal Victoria: It has become obvious to me that you don't know enough about evolution to teach it! I'm having you replaced! Mr. Dawkins! [Mr. Dawkins enters the office]\nMrs. Garrsion: Re-replaced??\nPrincipal Victoria: Richard Dawkins is a world-renowned evolutionary scientist.\nMr. Dawkins: [courteously] Charmed to meet you. Ms...\nMrs. Garrsion: Shut up, faggot! Principal Victoria, I can teach my own class!\nPrincipal Victoria: You are to sit in class and help Mr. Dawkins with whatever he needs!\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Richard Dawkins is the guest teacher now. He takes some chalk and .\nMr. Dawkins: Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us. [although all the kids have pencil and paper out ready to take notes, only Kyle is actually writing anything as Dawkins lectures. Mr. Dawkins himself delivers his lecture in a scholarly voice.]\nMrs. Garrison: Whatever.\nMr. Dawkins: [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breath in the air.\nMrs. Garrison: [relating Dawkin's points to his own] Retarded fish-frogs.\nMr. Dawkins: [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification.\nMrs. Garrison: Well, you're a faggot! [the look of shock returns to Dawkins.] Continue.\nMr. Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright.\nMrs. Garrison: So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys.\nMr. Dawkins: [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well yes, basically, we are.\nMrs. Garrison: Do you see monkeys at the zoo?! They crap in their hands and throw it at people!\nMr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!\nMrs. Garrison: What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell?! Doesn't that bother you a little?\nMr. Dawkins: Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist.\nMrs. Garrison: [rises and walks up to him] AHA! I've got you, you snake in the grass!! I found you out!!\nMr. Dawkins: I never covered it up.\nMrs. Garrison: And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?! [begins to dance around like a monkey, hooting and hollering. He lowers his pants and poops into his left hand.]\nMr. Dawkins: What on earth are you doing?? [now Butters is the one taking notes]\nMrs. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!! [throws the log of feces at Dawkins and gets him on his forehead and on the left side of his sweater]\nMr. Dawkins: AAAH!\nScene Description: The principal's office, once again.\nMrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, I was simply trying to make a point to Mr. Dawkins about the incongruity of some scientific statements.\nPrincipal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, I am pulling you out of the classroom.\nMrs. Garrison: What??\nMr. Dawkins: Principal Victoria, I really don't think that's necessary. This woman is very opinionated but, she does care about her students.\nPrincipal Victoria: Very well. But there is to be no more throwing of feces. Understood??\nScene Description: Waiting area outside the office. Garrison and Dawkins walk in\nMr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison. Ms. Garrison, could I have a word with you, please?\nMrs. Garrison: What?!\nMr. Dawkins: Look, I know you think we're at war, but I want you to know I admire your passion.\nMrs. Garrison: [softens immediately] You d-you do?\nMr. Dawkins: I've never met a woman with so much... fire\nMrs. Garrison: Well I... [begins preening] I do bring down a woman's wrath now and again. [slight giggle]\nMr. Dawkins: So much boldness in a woman. So beautiful. [snaps out of it] I'm sorry, I'm sure you have a husband, but I-\nMrs. Garrison: No! N-no! My, my husband is g-gone, dead.\nMr. Dawkins: Would you then... consider having dinner with me tonight?\nMrs. Garrison: Well, [preens again] well, I suppose we could have a little steak or something. [Dawkins smiles, Garrison smiles back]\nScene Description: The hallway. Kids are milling around. Around the corner comes Mrs. Garrison, jumping joyfully\nMrs. Garrison: I've got a date! I've got a date! My first real date with a real man since my sex-change operation! [skips away, towards the front doors] Oh boy, what'll I wear?! [opens the doors and skips out] Hey everybody!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day, kitchen. Humming, Liane enters the kitchen with groceries and snacks, including doughnuts. She sets them down on the counter, takes an ice cream and heads for the freezer. She opens the freezer door\nCartman: [in the freezer] Ey!\nLiane: [jumps back in surprise, dropping the ice cream] Whoa!\nCartman: Close the door, I'm trying to freeze!\nLiane: Eric, get out of there. [tries to pull him out, but he kicks her hand away]\nCartman: [resisting all of Liane's efforts] No! No, it's too soon!\nLiane: [pulls him out of the freezer] Now Eric, this has gone far enough! [sets him down and goes down on a bended knee] You need to learn to be patient!\nScene Description: A door opens and Butters appears. Before him is Cartman, dressed in heavy jacket. Cartman has some equipment on his back and an ice pick in his right hand.\nCartman: Butters, get your coat. We gotta go.\nButters: Go where?\nCartman: You're gonna help me freeze myself.\nButters: [looks at Cartman a while, then] Okay. [walks away to get his coat, smiling]\nScene Description: The Rockies, far from town. Two small figures walk forward in the snow. The camera gets progressively closer, and the figures turn out to be Cartman and Butters\nButters: Well, how come we've gotta come all the way out here?\nCartman: [stops and begins digging ] Butters, if anyone else comes upon my frozen body, they'll try to unfreeze me right away. [finishes digging a hole, tosses the ice pick away, and prepares to step down into it] I have to be hidden. [removes his jacket and gives it to Butters] That's good. [begins to gather the snow around him and then faces Butters, who's shocked at this turn of events] And no matter what happens, Butters, you are not to unfreeze me until the day the Nintendo Wii comes out. Do you got it?!\nButters: Eric, are you sure this is a good idea?\nCartman: No, it's not a good idea. It's an awesome idea\nButters: [not so sure, casts his eyes down] Yeah...I guess it is...\nCartman: All right, you got the spot figured out? You're not gonna lose where I am, right?\nButters: I got it. [looks around] Big Tree. Oval Rock.\nCartman: All right, now get out of here. You can't freeze too, or else we're both screwed. [Butters looks at Cartman once more, then leaves. Butters turns to look at Cartman again] Get out of here, you asshole! You're gonna ruin everything!\nButters: Oh jeez! [turns around and walks away quickly]\nCartman: [all alone now] Yes. Come on. Freeeze. Freeeze.\nScene Description: Buca di Faggoncini, evening. Mr. Dawkins and Mrs. Garrison are having dinner there.\nMrs. Garrison: So I told my gynecologist, \"you put so many things in my vagina, maybe I should charge you!\" [they both laugh at the story.]\nMr. Dawkins: Oh, Ms. Garrison, you are the most outspoken woman I have ever met! It's almost like you're one of the guys.\nMrs. Garrison: Hehyeah, almost.\nMr. Dawkins: You have so much spunk, so much life... If only you were an atheist.\nMrs. Garrison: Well... Well, you know, I'm... I'm open to stuff.\nMr. Dawkins: Why is someone as outspoken as you given themselves over to the whole God thing?\nMrs. Garrison: Oh I'm not... I'm not totally into the whole God thing. I just... I just think, you know, you can't disprove God.\nMr. Dawkins: Well what if I told you there was a flying spaghetti monster: Would you believe it simply because it can't be disproven?\nMrs. Garrison: [Thinks a moment] You're riiight. It's so simple! God is a spaghetti monster. Oh thank you, jeez! My eyes are opened! [stands up] Hey everyone, I'm an atheist!\nMr. Dawkins: Really?? Oh that's wonderful!\nMrs. Garrison: No, I totally get it now! Evolution explains everything! There is no great mystery to life, just evolution and God's a spaghetti monster! Thank you, Richard!\nMr. Dawkins: You're so welcome!\nMrs. Garrison: Would you like tuh... [preens again] head over to my place for dessert?\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!\nMr. Dawkins: Oh Ms. Garrison!\nMrs. Garrison: Yeah, pound my monkey hole, Richard! Yeah, I'm a monkey all right!\nScene Description: In the Rockies, Cartman slowly freezes. The camera closes in\nCartman: Nin-ten-do. I'm coming. I'm coming, Nin-ten-do.\nScene Description: his hearbeat stops as he expels one last puff of air. The camera pulls back as wolves howl in the night. Night turns to day. Cartman's face has turned blue. An avalanche knocks down the tree and covers up the oval rock Butters is supposed to check for when he returns. It also buries Cartman, who is in pajamas. A time-travel sequence begins, which takes him forward in time to the year 2546. There, the block of ice that contains him is picked up and thawed. Three curved surfaces come together to form an egg around Cartman, and the egg is moved to a bed. The three pieces fall apart and disappear. Three items appear - an electronic eye, a small pump, and a vibrator.\nMedic: We have a pulse. [Cartman comes to, coughs, and sits up. The aliens gather around]\nAlien 1: Can you... understand me?\nCartman: Where am I?\nShvek: My name is Shvek. You are safe.\nCartman: Safe where, butthole?!\nShvek: My friend, this is going to be a bit of a shock, but... it is the year 2546.\nCartman: [looks around] What??\nShvek: You have been frozen in ice for over 500 years. [Cartman jumps off the bed and runs to the nearest window, where he sees a city unlike any he's seen before.]\nCartman: Butters? Butters, you black asshole?! [suddenly looks tired.]\nMedic: Please be careful. You are frail.\nCartman: Is the Wii out? Where's the Wii?\nAnalyst: [brings up a holoscreen and presses a few buttons on it. A picture of the Wii appears] Ahh, Nintendo Wii. A primitive gaming device used in his time.\nCartman: Primitive? It has motion-control controllers, asswipe!\nMedic: Young man, you don't seem to understand. [goes down on one knee] Your family, your friends, everyone you knew, has been dead for over 500 years.\nCartman: I don't care! Is there a Nintendo Wii!\nShvek: We don't play videogames in our time. There's no such thing as a Nintendo Wii.\nCartman: No... [looks up at the ceiling and] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Dawkins is back teaching about evolution. Mrs. Garrison looks quite enamored\nMr. Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with VERY large numbers here.\nMrs. Garrison: [thinking] That's my man.\nMr. Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.\nMrs. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.\nMr. Dawkins: Careful darling. The school board doesn't like it when we-\nStan: Well there could still be a god.\nMrs. Garrison: What?!\nStan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?\nMrs. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class! [leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's] Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?!\nStan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti. [Mrs. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class.]\nMrs. Garrison: Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair! [sets him down next to the blackboard, goes for a dunce cap, and places it on Stan's head. The cap reads \"I HAVE FAITH\"]\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, night. She and Mr. Dawkins are in bed. She runs her fingers through Mr. Dawkin's chest hair.\nMr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did in class today was right.\nMrs. Garrison: What?? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion.\nMr. Dawkins: Yes, but to be so bold about it... [looks away] I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.\nMrs. Garrison: [gets up and sits on Mr. Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world.\nMr. Dawkins: Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God.\nMrs. Garrison: You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you.\nMr. Dawkins: Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh, all right. [lowers the blanket and the breasts appear. The implants... are not balanced. The left nipple is huge and lower compared to the right one, and the stitches are still visible.]\nMr. Dawkins: Oh yeah, baby! Oh-hm. [begins to shake his head between the breasts, which has the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up.]\nMrs. Garrison: OHOH YEAH!! AHHH!! [Mr. Dawkins revs up again]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He and Dougie play in the backyard as Professor Chaos and General Disarray. Toy action figures and various toy vehicles litter the yard\nButters: Quick, General Disarray! Kill those superheroes!\nDougie: [fires at the action figures] Pehpew Pehpew! [walks over and kicks them down]\nButters: Yes! Now the world shall feel the wrath of Professor Chaos! Hahaha!\nLinda: Butters? [she appears at the sliding door entrance with two policemen behind her] Butters, you haven't seen Eric Cartman in the past few days, have you?\nButters: [a bit afraid, slowly] Who, me?\nLinda: It's very important, Butters. He's missing. You haven't seen or heard from him?\nButters: [looks right, then left, trying to figure out what to say...] No ma'am.\nLinda: Okay. [closes the sliding door and walks away with the officers]\nDougie: Come on, Professor Chaos! Let's destroy this anthill! [Butters turns and joins him]\nButters: Geh-General Disarray, can I ask you a scientific question?\nDougie: Okay.\nButters: Well, um, can... Can anything bad happen if you completely freeze yourself and then unfreeze yourself three weeks later?\nDougie: [long pause] ...Yeah.\nButters: Well, like what?\nDougie: ...Like, you die.\nButters: ...Die??\nDougie: Well yeah. If you freeze your body, it means you die. When you wake up three weeks later you can be unfrozen, but you're still dead.\nButters: Oh hamburgers!! [runs away]\nScene Description: the Rockies. Butters and Dougie reach the spot where Cartman is frozen. Butters calls out to Cartman\nButters: Eric! Eric!\nDougie: You just left him here?! Without a jacket or anything?!\nButters: He told me to!\nDougie: He's dead for sure.\nButters: Wait! [looks around.] It's all different. Nothing's in the same place!\nDougie: Oh my God...\nButters: [begins to dig frantically through the snow] Uh, eh, Eric! Eric!\nDougie: [trying to stop him] Butters ButterButterBUTTERS! [Butters stops and looks at him] We have to get out of here!\nButters: What??\nDougie: Nobody is ever going to find his body. You've got to never say anything about this, do you understand?! He's dead, and if they know you had a hand in it, you'll go to jail! [runs off]\nButters: But I just did what he told me!\nDougie: Come on, we have to leave!!\nButters: Oh, jumping Jesus! [follows Dougie. They head back to town]\nScene Description: Back to the future. Cartman sits at a desk\nCartman: This is terrible. Five hundred years in the future. [puts his head in his hands and starts to weep. A door slides open and three of the aliens enter the room]\nShvek: Eric, I have good news for you. We may have found you a Nintendo Wii.\nCartman: What?? [hops onto the desk] Really?? [jumps down and exults] YES!! YES!!\nMedic: It's rumored that there's one at the Museum of Technology at New New Hampshire.\nCartman: So I'm not too late! Come on, let's go!\nShvek: Well, there's just... th-there's something we need from you first.\nScene Description: A meeting room. The three future humans talk to Cartman there\nShvek: You see, my young friend, you were unfrozen for a reason.\nMedic: Lots of people froze themselves in cryogenic labs and we don't unfreeze them. But you... are special.\nCartman: I know I'm special. This isn't news to me.\nShvek: You lived in a time when a great event happened. A glorious event that finally made all religion obsolete. Now, the entire world is atheist.\nCartman: [strokes his chin and thinks] And this gives me a Nintendo Wii how?\nMedic: We believe that somebody you knew in your time was the person who first started our wonderful group: The Unified Atheist League.\nCartman: Who? [the medic is about to reply when something shakes the building they're in]\nShvek: What in Science's name was that?! [outside, an enemy ship first at the building and leaves a hole in it. The ship docks at that hole and the invaders pour into a cargo room. The UAL members and Cartman enter the cargo room at the other end.]\nMedic: Oh no! It's the United Atheist Alliance!\nShvek: Oh Science, help us! [a laser battle between the two groups begins]\nUAA member 1: [yellow hair, green suit] Science damn you, Unified Atheist League!\nCartman: Who are they??\nShvek: The Alliance Atheists. We're at war with them. [the battle rages on, with laser shots going back and forth. The laser shots turn out to be syringes which inject the victim with poison. Once the load is fully inside the body, the head explodes. Men on both sides explode and die.]\nUAL Member 1: [a syringe gets him] No! [his head explodes]\nCartman: Jesus Christ!\nShvek: Hahahaha, you believe in a supernatural being. [gets a syringe to the neck] Oh my Science. [his head explodes and the battle is over. The UAA closes in on Cartman, its guns drawn]\nCartman: I'm just a little boy from the past who wants to play Nintendo Wii.\nScene Description: The UAA ship's bridge. Cartman enters with UAA members escorting him.\nUAA member 1: Put me through to the Allied Atheist Allegiance!\nUAA member 2: [black hair] Onscreen.\nUAA member 1: Look, Allied Atheist Allegiance! We have the time child!\nAAA leader: Science damn you, United Atheist Alliance!\nUAA member 1: Now you see, foolish sea otters, that we are the atheists in control!\nAAA leader: It won't make a difference! This is the dawning of the sea otter! Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!\nCartman: What??\nAAA leader: Otters! The time has come! Sound the nafferty!\nSea otters: The nafferty! [a giant otter walks over to a very fanciful horn and blows into it.]\nAAA leader: [rises on a platform and turns around. A lens drops down from a contraption he has to his left ear and lands on his nose] So, it begins!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: This episode begins with an expanded montage of last week's time-lapse imagery. First you see the town, the mall, and a house. Next, Cartman and the Wii at EV Games. Next, scenes from his night of insomnia, including him checking his calendar and the Wii's Web page, then watching TV. Then, Eric is shown begging his friends to help him freeze himself. Then, a collage of Eric hiding in the freezer, talking to Butters, and walking to the designated spot with him. Then, scenes of the avalanche and Eric getting frozen. Then the years begin to roll, and scenes of humanity's future appear. They are: the scene of the avalanche, a scene of devastation, the room where Cartman is taken to be thawed, his meeting with the high UAL command, the UAL building being attacked, a shot of Earth from space, the UAA storming in to fight the UAL, the battle between the two factions, the UAA closing in on Cartman, the voyage away from the UAL building, across a desert; the onscreen communication with the AAA, a shot of Earth's future, a sea otter blowing into the nafferty, and the final shot of two ships leading the camera to the city the UAL is based at\nNarrator: The year is 2006, and young Eric Cartman cannot wait for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. Unable to cope with the wait any longer, Eric decides to freeze himself for three weeks. But a freak avalanche makes Eric impossible to find, and so he remains frozen for 500 years.\nScene Description: The next scenes all involve Cartman playing a part in the future. The background is the UAL's city. First he's dressed in a blue military outfit. Next, he's running with a robot dog, then firing off a laser gun, then of him and the bog in a vehicle. The background changes to the UAA's ship. Cartman is walking with the UAA members. The AAA is shown firing at them. Cartman and the UAA now sport helmets and go forth. The background changes to the AAA's city. The AAA has captured Cartman. Cartman plays chess with a sea otter. Cartman enjoys flying around upside down in a room of UAL members doing the same thing. Cartman is then shown in a different blue suit, and finally, a fleet of shuttlecraft fly to a new city. At this new city, ostriches are seen walking around, with otters riding them. The city is either in ruins or shabbily built\nOtter Leader: Whoa, steady! [motions to the otters] This way, otters! [other otters move forward on their ostriches]\nOtter 1: This is it. New New Hampshire. We have risked much bringing you here, Time Child. [the camera pans left to show Cartman on an ostrich and wearing goggles.]\nCartman: Can it. You otters may have evolved to the point you can talk, but I don't need lectures.\nOtter 1: Don't let the time child out of your sight. He could try to run.\nCartman: [goggles now above his eyes] We have a deal, Blavius. As long as I get what I want, you have nothin' to worry about. [the leader's ostrich makes a noise]\nOtter Leader: Something is spooking the ostriches.\nCartman: Sure. This is Monarch land now. Probably Jarvis probes everywhere.\nOtter Leader: Here it is! We have arrived.\nBlavius: [Sea Otter 1] Hold! [the ostriches stop at a large entrance] This is it, Time Child. [the building's name is shown: New New Hampshire Museum of Technology] The old museum of technology, abandoned long ago. Let's get what you want, Time Child, and get out of here.\nScene Description: The otters escort Cartman to the Museum of the Past. Cartman looks around and finally spots the Wii.\nCartman: Over here! [runs over to it] Yeah it's here! It's here! The Nintendo Wii... I've waited so long for this. [shatters the glass case protecting it and removes it]\nBlavius: All right, Time Child, we've filled our side of the bargain. Now return with us to Otter Bay.\nCartman: Sorry Blavius. I've got other plans. [switches hands in holding the Wii, presses a button on his left glove and disappears]\nBlavius: NOOOO!\nOtter Leader: It was a trick!\nBlavius: SCIENCE DAMN YOU, TIME CHILD!\nScene Description: UAA transporter room. As various UAA members wait, Cartman appears on the transporter pad\nCartman: I got it! I got the Wii!\nUAA Leader: Time Child! You've returned!\nUAA 1: We thought for sure you had died in the in the Phobart plant.\nCartman: [turns and leaves the transporter pad] Yeah. Lucky for me the otters believed I was on their side. [turns around as he reaches the door] Do me a favor: next time I'm in a recessed biocave, don't send me a level 2 homing call. [the door opens and Cartman walks into the hallway outside the room. The leader and his assistant look at each other]\nUAA Leader: TC, wait!\nCartman: [ruonds a corner] Oh I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome! [almost walks into another UAA member] Get out of my way!\nUAA Leader: [catches up with Cartman] You gained the otters' trust?! Were you wearing an information crystal?!\nCartman: Here. [takes off the information crystal and hands it to him]\nUAA 1: Science be praised. This could end the war!\nUAA Leader: You've done a great thing, TC. [Cartman turns right...] How can we repay you?\nCartman: [...and enters an elevator] Just send a maintenance guy to my room. I want this Nintendo hooked up to my float screen NOW! [the doors close]\nScene Description: Cartman's room. A maintenance guy is trying to figure out how to connect the Wii to the screen.\nCartman: Come on! Come on! Dude, what is taking so long! I wanna play!\nMaintenance Guy: Uhh, what kind of output does this have? This is some ancient Super-VHS output or somethin'. I can't connect it to your float screen.\nCartman: There's gotta be some way to hook it up! It's the freakin' future!\nMaintenance Guy: It may be the future for you, but I can't hook up anything to a float screen without at least a laser-7 output.\nCartman: You've gotta be shittin' me!! Science-dammit! I am so fucking sick of the future! [starts throwing a tantrum, throwing things around]\nUAA Woman: [entering the room] TC? What's wrong?\nCartman: I'll tell you what's wrong! I've been waiting 500 years to play the Nintendo Wii! And if I don't get to play real soon, I'm gonna bust a nut!\nUAA Woman: Well, we're all glad you're back. I know somebody who's missed you very much. Come on in, K-10. [steps aside to reveal K-10, who walks in]\nK-10: Bark bark. Hello, Eric. I have missed you.\nCartman: Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.\nScene Description: A United Atheist Alliance meeting.\nUAA Leader: Fellow atheists: the time child has returned with information on our sworn enemies, the Allied Atheist Alliance. They have started digging for clams in sector J7. If we mount an all-out attack, we can wipe out their food supply!\nUAA 2: But, those are civilian otters.\nUAA Leader: We cannot tolerate the otters! Their Science is flawed! Their answer to the Great Question is different from ours.\nUAA 3: Yes, but... sending out all our ships at the same time... it would leave our city exposed!\nUAA Leader: ...That's why we have to be super-duper sure that nobody finds out we're doing it.\nScene Description: Unified Atheist League headquarters. The UAL elders gather to discuss the situation\nUAL 1: [hanging upside down from a jet-powered platform] The United Atheist Alliance is about to send out all its defense ships to take down the Allied Atheist Alliance's clam fields.\nUAL 2: Praise Science. This is your chance, young Shvek, to avenge your father's death.\nUAL 3: Careful, son. Just because their Science leads them to a different answer to the Great Question doesn't mean we have the right to kill them all.\nShvek: No! Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. [walks away from the table and stands before a wall] Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. [a painting is shown, with Dawkins in it] Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future. [More of the painting is shown: Mrs. Garrison appears] But it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you. [turns around] Prepare all the troops! We will level the United Atheist Alliance to the ground!\nScene Description: Cartman's room at UAA headquarters. Cartman watches TV on his float screen, K-10 standing nearby. A commercial comes on\nAnnouncer: With new Glade monvert cleaner, you can make your monvert sparkle like never before.\nWoman: My monvert's never looked so clean. [apparently, a monvert is a phallic device]\nCartman: God I hate future TV. There's too many commercials! [switches channels. A picture appears briefly in which a reporter is about to mention an attack, but that vanishes. Three bored kids appear seated at a coffee table]\nBoy 1: Agh! I'm so bored.\nBoy 2: There's nothing to do.\nCartman: Tell me about it.\nBoy 3: Hey, I know! Let's crank call people in the past!\nBoy 1: Huh?\nBoy 3: I just got... [brings out a big box] the Crank Prank Time Phone! [the other two boys marvel at it]\nSingers: Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone.\nAnnouncer: New, from Blasbro, it's Crank Prank Time Phone!\nBoy Announcer: I just dial a random number on the keypad, enter a date and year on the debilibrator, and...\nBoy 1: Wow! Someone from the past is on the line! [talks into the phone] Hello? Is there a refrigerator running? Well then, you'd better go catch it! [the boys have a good laugh]\nSingers: Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone.\nCartman: [now interested] What?\nBoy 2: Uh hi. It's the year 1973, right? Could I speak to Al Coholic, please? [the boys laugh again]\nAnnouncer: Crank Prank Time Phone comes with debilibrator [looks like a space-age microphone], antimatter fusion cone, and 30 plain HF watt triggers. Warning: Crank Prank Time Phone is for entertainment purposes only. Making anything OTHER than crank calls to the past could affect the present and end your existence. Crank Prank Time Phone is not intended for the use by otters.\nCartman: Why didn't anyone tell me there was a time phone?!\nK-10: Why does it matter? Bark bark\nCartman: Don't you see?? If I get one of those phones, I can call myself in the past and tell me not to freeze myself. [walks forward a few steps] Then I can go back into my time... and play Nintendo Wii.\nK-10: Bark bark. That call is for crank calling only. Using it in the way you describe is illegal.\nCartman: I care! Where's the closest toy store??\nK-10: Working, bark bark. The Jarvanian shopping complex. But it is not open yet.\nScene Description: Zeebod's Toys, some time later. K-10 stands by as Cartman paces the ground in front of the store, just as he did in the past waiting for the Wii\nCartman: Come on! Come on!\nVoice: Store is now... open. [the storefront lights up like a Christmas tree and the doors open] Welcome\nCartman: Ugh, finally!\nClerk: Welcome to Zeebod's Toys\nCartman: I want one of those time-phone things.\nClerk: Ahh, the Crank Prank Time Phone. Sure. Now, I am required by the state to make sure you know this is for prank-calling the past ONLY, right?\nCartman: Yeah yeah, I'm only gonna prank-call people.\nClerk: [pulls up a small float screen and calculates the cost on it] All right, that'll be 6000 credits. [a second float screen pops up with the price on it]\nCartman: Six thousand credits?! What do I look like to you? A Thurilian miner?!\nClerk: This is a pretty advanced piece of equipment. It's expensive.\nCartman: Look, I have to have one of those phones!\nClerk: Oh, all right, then I have to have 6000 credits. [Eric sighs and looks down]\nK-10: Bark bark, I'm sorry, Eric, bark bark.\nCartman: How about a robot? How much for the robot?\nK-10: Awww.\nClerk: [puts the phone away] Sorry, kid, you're just gonna have to crank-call people in the present.\nCartman: [turns around and walks away. K-10 follows] Science-dammit! [stops] Wait. K-10, can you access the store's sales records?\nK-10: Working, bark bark. Access.\nCartman: I want the name and address of anybody who's bought a time phone from this guy in the past week.\nK-10: Working, bark bark.\nScene Description: Otter Bay. evening. A sign there says \"Allied Atheist Alliance.\" Blavius addresses a large crowd of sea otters\nBlavius: The United Atheist Alliance has taken the bait! Soon they will send their ships out to destroy our decoy clam fields! And while their ships are away, the United Atheist League intends to attack them! Our plan has worked perfectly! For when the United Atheist League attacks the United Atheist Alliance, we will charge in and kill them all! Our Science, our answer to the Great Question shall prevail!\nOtters: Hail Science! Hail Science! Hail Science!\nBlavius: And I will personally kill the Time Child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!\nScene Description: The turn of the 20th century, day. An early blue car rolls down the street and the driver honks his horn. The car passes by a Colonial-style house. Inside the house, a woman vacuums a rug with an early vacuum cleaner when the phone rings. She turns off the vacuum cleaner and starts moving towards the phone\nMan: I'll get it, darling. [approaches the phone and picks up the receiver. His wife goes back to vacuuming] Hello? Hello?\nBoy 4: Uh yes, hello? I'm calling for Mr. Wall?\nMan: I'm sorry, there's no Mr. Wall here.\nBoy 4: Oh. Is Mrs. Wall there?\nMan: Nno, there are no Walls here.\nBoy 4: Then how does your roof stay up? [he and his friend begin to laugh]\nMan: Oh, I see! Is this the Johnson boys from down the street?!\nBoy 4: No, we're from the future. [stifled laughter]\nMan: Very funny!\nBoy 5: Hi, uh, I'm a Pepper, and I'm wondering if you'd like to be a Pepper too?\nMan: God darn ya! [hangs up. The two boys laugh]\nBoy 4: Yeah.\nBoy 5: That was a great one! [the doorbell rings and Boy 4 gets up to answer it. Cartman, dressed as a maintenance man, and K-10 appear at the entrance]\nCartman: Hello, I'm with the cubic waste department. I need to check your lowertram for inhibitors.\nBoy 4: Oh. Okay, I guess.\nCartman: [steps inside] Come on in, Bob. [K-10 enters the room] All right, just let me use my tools... [pulls out a gun and fires at Boy 4, who is instantly trapped in a bubble, floating in the air. K-10 does the same to Boy 5.]\nBoy 5: Hey!\nCartman: [walks up and takes the time phone from the coffee table] Haha! Stupid assholes! I got your time phone! [walks out the door with K-10]\nBoy 4: Science H. Logic! What a jerk!\nScene Description: Otter Bay. evening. The otters are arming each other\nThe Wise One: [walks in with a cane] Silence, otters!\nOtter 1: It's the Wise One\nOtter 2: The Wise One speaks.\nThe Wise One: This is not the path we should be taking. Will more bloodshed end anything?\nBlavius: [floats up to him on a hovering throne] Wise One, our answer to the Great Question is the only one based on good science.\nThe Wise One: Science, reason, is that really all there is?\nBlavius: They are not a logical race, Wise One! They go around chopping down trees for tables, when they have perfectly good tummies to eat on. How logical is that?!\nOtter Leader: Yes! [walks up to a painting of Dawkins and Garrison] The great Dawkins said we cannot tolerate those who don't use reason! How reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?\nThe Wise One: Well perhaps the great Dawkins wasn't so wise. Oh, he was intelligent, but, some of the most intelligent otters I've ever known were completely lacking in common sense. Maybe, some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows? Maybe, just believing in God makes God exist.\nOtter Soldier: Kill the Wise One!\nOtter 3: Kill the Wise One! [the other otters crowd him in and start attacking]\nThe Wise One: What?! Whoa, wait wait! [perishes amid the pummeling while Blavius watches on]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15.\nCartman: Oh God! [throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. This time, the phone rings. He gets up to answer it. The caller is the Time Child] Hello? [he gets static until...]\nTime Child: [in a higher pitch] Hello? [Cartman is surprised to hear his own voice on the other end] Are you there?\nCartman: Who is this?\nTime Child: [to K-10] No, no, I have me. [to his past self] All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient!\nCartman: What?? Who the hell is this?!\nTime Child: It's me.\nCartman: Me who?!\nTime Child: Me you!\nCartman: What?!\nTime Child: I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of see otters!\nCartman: Oh very funny, Kyle!\nTime Child: It's not Kyle, it's you!\nCartman: Yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.\nTime Child: I'm trying to do you a favor, dumb-ass!! Just listen to me!\nCartman: Listen to this! [puts the phone to his ass and farts into it, then slams the phone down on its base] Dickhead. [the phone rings again. Cartman picks it up and quickly slams it down again.]\nTime Child: [surprised at his own reaction in the past] What an asshole!\nScene Description: Butters' house, later. The phone rings in the kitchen. Butters walks in to answer it.\nButters: Hello? [he gets static until...]\nTime Child: Butters? Butters!\nButters: Eric? Is that you?\nTime Child: Butters, Butters! Listen to me! Just just listen. I'm about to come over to your house and ask you to help me freeze myself. Do not... do t!\nButters: [looks around unsure what to make of this strange call] Eric, are you playing a joke on me again?\nTime Child: No! This is not a joke! Whatever I say to you, Butters, no matter how hard I try, do not... do... what I tell you!\nButters: But... [notices Cartman entering through the front door] but you're here right now. [Cartman walks into view]\nCartman: Butters?! Come on, we gotta go!\nTime Child: [hearing his past self] No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!\nButters: Huh??\nCartman: Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!\nButters: But, you're telling me not to go with you.\nCartman: What?? [enters the kitchen to talk to his future self] Who the fuck is this?!\nTime Child: Aw dammit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!\nCartman: Suck my balls!\nTime Child: No, you suck my balls!! Just listen to me for one minute!\nCartman: ...Okay, you have one minute.\nTime Child: Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a buncha Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog in the closet so nothing would happen to him, right?\nCartman: [shocked] Are you spying on me?!\nTime Child: No, I am you, you stupid asshole!\nCartman: Fuck you, asshole. You can go fuck yourself! [hangs up and pulls his hood back over his head] Come on, Butters, we're going!\nButters: Oh, all right then.\nTime Child: [frustrated] God I hate that guy!!\nScene Description: UAA war meeting, a full room\nUAA Leader: My friends, the time has come! May Science give us the courage to do what we must! Launch all defensive ships to sector J7! Take out the otters' clam fields! [a fleet of UAA ships takes off]\nScene Description: UAL headquarters. The UAL leader ponders the painting of Dawkins and Garrison before him\nUAL Aide: Sir! The United Atheist Alliance has sent out all their ships. Their capital is now unprotected.\nUAL Leader: [turns and issues the command] Then begin the attack! Science be praised.\nScene Description: A vast meadow, day.The ground begins to vibrate, then the first ostrich zips by. A couple more follow, then a bigger group of them, then the whole army of them, all with otters on them riding into battle\nOtter Leader: Kill the table-eaters! In the name of Almighty Science! [the otters ride on]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day, kitchen. The phone rings and Kyle arrives to answer it\nKyle: Hello? [he gets static until...]\nTime Child: Hello? Kyle?\nKyle: Hello?\nTime Child: Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?\nKyle: What do you want?!\nTime Child: Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?\nKyle: I'm not going to help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!\nTime Child: No, see, I know it's a stupid idea. Because, I actually did freeze myself.and... you were right, Kyle. It backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future.\nKyle: [with half-closed eyes] ... Uh huh.\nTime Child: No, really, Kyle, I'm I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog. [backs up to hand the phone to K-10.]\nK-10: Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark.\nKyle: ... I'm hanging up now.\nTime Child: No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.\nKyle: Suck my balls, fatass.\nTime Child: ... I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle. [a car honks its horn at Kyle's end and he looks over. It leaves]\nKyle: Aw Goddammit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you! [hangs up]\nTime Child: Kyle? [as he asks, everything around him changes. His float screen goes from red to green, his suit goes from blue to saffron with light blue cape, the plant turns leafy, and the floor goes from orange to navy] Kyle!\nKIT-9: [K-10's new look] Eric, I really think you should stop calling the past. You could change the present.\nTime Child: Well I don't notice anything different, KIT-9! Do you?\nKIT-9: I guess not, meow meow.\nTime Child: [begins to notice the differences] Hm, I see... [the building is shaken hard by something striking it] Hey!\nKIT-9: Meow meow. [the UAL ships swarm in and fire at all the buildings in UAA territory]\nTime Child: Heeeeey!\nKIT-9: Meow meow.\nUAA Woman: TC! We're under attack!\nTime Child: By who?!\nUAA Woman: We have to get to the War Room! It's the only safe place!\nScene Description: The War Room. Officials there mill around trying to keep things under control. KIT-9 and Cartman arrive. Cartman has the Crank Prank Time Phone\nUAA Leader: The United Atheist League is bombing the city! We're defenseless!\nCartman: This is terrible! I'm gonna die in the future without ever playing Nintendo Wii?!\nTactical Officer: Sir! The sea otters are advancing! They've broken through the east portal!\nScene Description: The outskirts of the UAA city. The otter army reaches the edge of the city\nUAA Leader: What?! Three-way phone channel onscreen! [the main screen lights up with two windows. On the left window appear the UAL leader and the UAL, on the right window appear Blavius and the otters]\nShvek: [from UAL headquarters] What are you otters doing?! This is our attack!\nBlavius: [from AAA headquarters] Yes. And we're attacking both of you!\nUAA Leader: You fools! This will be the end of us all!\nBlavius: Then accept our answer to the Great Question, and we will withdraw.\nUAA Leader: Your answer to the Great Question is illogical!\nCartman: What is the Great Question?\nKIT-9: What atheists should call themselves.\nShvek: Unified Atheist League is the most logical name.\nUAA Leader: >Unified Atheist Alliance makes more sense.\nBlavius: No! Allied Atheist Alliance! That way it has three A's! That is the logical choice!\nShvek: So be it. We cannot agree; prepare to die.\nTactical Officer: Forward missiles launched, sir!\nCartman: I have to get out of here! Why is everyone in my past so stupid that they think I'm crank-calling them?!\nKIT-9: But Eric, meow meow, you knew the wife of the smartest man in all of history.\nCartman: Who?\nKIT-9: Your teacher, the one called Garrison.\nCartman: Garrison? But he's an asshole.\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises. The phone rings\nMrs. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!\nMr. Dawkins: Oh Ms. Garrison!\nMrs. Garrison: Dammit, who the hell is calling?!\nMr. Dawkins: I'll tell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah... [answers the phone] Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?\nCartman: It's an emergency! It's an emergency!\nMr. Dawkins: [stops] An emergency?\nCartman: I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!\nMr. Dawkins: I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment.\nCartman: Look asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!\nMr. Dawkins: Sex-change operation??\nMrs. Garrison: Uh oh.\nMr. Dawkins: [pulls out and protects his genitals] Uuuuugh! You're a man?!\nMrs. Garrison: Not anymore. I've been fixed. [Dawkins runs for his clothes] Richard, hold on. I can explain.\nMr. Dawkins: Explain?? How can I be so stupid?? [runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes]\nMrs. Garrison: Richard, come back, please! [Dawkins does NOT return, and Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash] Well go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!\nScene Description: The battle in the future. The War Room has been destroyed, but Cartman and KIT-9 are still there\nCartman: Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! [Cartman's present changes again, and now he's wearing a gray suit with orange cape. Also, he's back at UAL headquarters, which is quiet and undamaged]\nShvek: [enters from a side door] All right, Eric. Are you all set to go?\nCartman: [turns around] Go... Right... Where am I going? [he was facing a panel of UAL and UAA members]\nUAA Leader: [joins Shvek from the left side] W-we told you: we're sending you home. With the Crank and Wank Time Machine.\nBlavius: [joins them both from the right side] Don't worry, my son. When you return to your time you will merge with your other self. It's all very Zen.\nCartman: Wait... Isn't... everybody at war over atheism?\nShvek: Atheism? No. We've learned to get rid of all the isms in our time.\nMedic: Yes. Long ago we realized isms are great for those who are rational, but in the hands of irrational people, isms always lead to violence.\nCartman: So there is no war now in the future.\nBlavius: Of course there's war. The stupid French-Chinese think they have a right to Hawaii.\nAll: Yeah!\nUAA Leader: But now the moment has come to send you back to your time. [some rings descend from above and a blue light appears, indicating that beaming is about to begin]\nShvek: We unfroze you for a purpose, and now that purpose is fulfilled.\nCartman: [wondering] And what was that purpose again?\nShvek: We explained that to you already.\nCartman: Right... [a bird flies in and sets down next to him.]\nKOK-A-3: Goodbye, Eric. I will mess you. Squawk squawk\nCartman: I'll miss you too, KOK-A-3.\nUAA Leader: So long, Eric. And tell everyone in the past for us, that no one single answer... is ever the answer. [the rings go back up and take Eric with them.]\nScene Description: EV Games. Cartman is pacing in front of the store again\nCartman: Hoowww- [his future self is beamed into his body and he checks himself] I'm back. Wow! I'm back!\nLiane: There you are, Eric.\nCartman: Mom! Mom, they did it!\nLiane: Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.\nCartman: [happy, for once] No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for Nintendo Wii to come out.\nLiane: But, honey, it's only September. That... [points] Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.\nCartman: What? NO! [runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right] NOO!! [turns around and moves away from the storefront] You sent me back too far!! HEY! Do it over!\nLiane: Who are you talking to, muffin?\nCartman: I can't wait two months! [runs back to the doors] I can't! There has to be a way around this!\nClerk: Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for you.\nCartman: Hello?\nScene Description: Cartman the Time Child is calling from a different future, in which everyone floats around on large purple-pink bubbles\nTime Child: Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?!\nCartman: ...Oh, suck my balls, Kyle! [hangs up and leaves the store.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The South Park Gazette, est. 1997, day. A bicycle rests on the sidewalk outside the office. Inside, Stan talks to the editor.\nEditor: [The nameplate on his desk says Mr. Jarvis] Being a delivery boy for the South Park Gazette is a noble privilege.\nStan: I'm sorry, Mr. Jarvis, it's just that... I have to get up at 4 a.m. to deliver your paper and then I go to school all day.\nMr. Jarvis: Oh waaa waaa waaa! We've all got problems, pussy! Get used to it! [picks up today's paper] You aren't delivering the papers on time!\nStan: [insistent] My bike had a busted pedal, but I got it fixed, so there won't be a problem anymore. [behind him, outside the window, a tow truck pulls up]\nMr. Jarvis: [noticing] Is that your bike out there? [the driver leaves the cab and moves towards the back of the truck.]\nStan: Yeah. Why?\nMr. Jarvis: 'Cause it's being towed.\nStan: [turns around] What?? [walks to the door and looks out its window, then leaves the office while the driver locks the bike in place]\nScene Description: Outside the Gazette office.\nStan: Hey, hey! What are you doing?!\nDriver: This your bike?\nStan: Yes!\nDriver: It's on the impound list. You owe the county for tickets. [the list shows the tow truck belonging to Jerry's Towing. The driver activates the crane, which slowly lifts one end of the bike up]\nStan: No-dude, I need my bike to do my job!\nDriver: Yeah? Well my job is to tow this bike. You want it back? You talk to the county. [gets back into the cab and closes the door]\nStan: [climbs up the door towards the driver] No NOO. Do NOT tow my bike! [the truck moves forward and Stan hops off. He moves towards the bike.] Stop, asshole! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! [catches up to the bike and grabs one of the pedals, but that just jerks him up and down a few times as the wheel on the ground moves the pedals. Stan hits the ground several times, getting bruised until he finally lets go of the pedal and rests on the street. He looks on helplessly as the truck keeps moving and his bike disappears in the distance]\nScene Description: Park County Government Center, day. A man sits in his office, and a knock is heard at his door.\nJudge: Yes? Come in.\nStan: Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. I was told to come down here and try to-\nJudge: Yes! Come on, Mr. Marsh. I've been told all about your case. Impounded bicycle, $83 owed to the county. Maybe you should get a job.\nStan: I got a job, but without my bike to do my paper route, I can't make the money! See?\nJudge: [pulls out a pre-loaded record player and puts the needle onto the record, which begins playing, then says] Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route; only problem is, [removes the needle from the record] his bike's been impounded! [puts the needle back on the record, on another song] But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy. [pulls the needle off again and puts the needle's arm in its resting place]\nStan: [several seconds later] Look, I really need my bike.\nJudge: [puts the record player aside] Well, I'm afraid I can't give it to you, because then you wouldn't learn anything..\nStan: What do I have to learn?! This isn't fair!\nJudge: Whoa whoa, hold on. I've looked your case over and I think maybe we can cut a little deal here. According to your background check, when you were in kindergarten, you played on the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team.\nStan: ...Yeah?\nJudge: Well it just so happens that the pee wee hockey team this year needs a coach.\nStan: [apprehensive] Me?\nJudge: [pulls out the record player again and plays it] Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle. And his only way out is to coach... [pulls the needle off the record] a pee wee hockey team! [puts it on again] And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.\nScene Description: South Park Recreation Center, looking more sophisticated than before. A hockey rink is in place, with kindergartners inside moving around. Stan is near the center's entrance moving towards the rink. Kids fall and get back up as they struggle to skate. Stan reaches the rink's entrance and looks inside\nStan: Oh boy. Uh, all right, guys, over here? Come over here. [the kids move towards him, tumbling. Stan decides to go in and meet them] We've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.\n# 10: Who are you?\nStan: My name is Stan and I'm your new coach. Now we just need to kind of organize a little bit and practice our-\n# 8: Coach, I have to go potty.\nStan: All right, fine, go ahead.\n# 8: ...By myself?\nStan: S- hold it a while, okay?\n# 7: What does \"passing\" mean?\nStan: When you shoot the puck to another player.\n# 15: [chubby boy] My mommy said I'm as big as the sky.\n# 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!\nMorgan: I did not!\nStan: All right, all right, shut up! We're gonna practice! You two guys play defense, and you play goalie.\nNelson: [downcast] I can't play goalie. [he's bald, save for a few hairs hanging down from inside his helmet]\nStan: Why not?!\nNelson: My doctor says I'm not supposed to.\nStan: What, you got asthma or something?\n# 3: No, he has cancer.\nStan: [off guard] What?\n# 8: Nelson has leukemia. It's already spread to his bone marrow.\nNelson: I don't wanna have cancer! [covers his eyes and begins to weep]\nStan: Ah, it's okay. Don't cry.\nNelson: But why me, coach? Why?\n# 7: Coach, why do people get cancer?\nStan: [feeling overwhelmed] Oh Jesus, can we just practice?\n# 10: Are we gonna get cancer if we play with Nelson, Coach?\nStan: NO! [a rival team and its coach walk up to Park County]\nCoach: Well well well! If it isn't the Park County Losers! [the rival players laugh. They're from Adams County]\n# 7: Oh no! Adams County! [the Park County players back away, leaving Stan out front]\nCoach: We just thought we'd come check out the ice for the game tomorrow. [steps forward and offers a handshake] Gavin Throttle, coach of the Adams County team.\nStan: [steps forward to reply] Hey. [Coach Gavin withdraws his hand]\nGavin: Look, why don't you just give up? You can't beat us. You really want to embarrass your players?\n# 7: Our coach isn't gonna let us lose!\nPark County: Yeah!!\nGavin: [steps forward again] Fine, if that's the way you want it. See ya tomorrow, coach! Adams Team!\nAdams County: Right! Follow! [they leave the rink]\n# 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. It's been a long day and Stan looks tired. He opens the front door and enters.\nStan: Jesus Christ. [his parents walk up to him]\nSharon: Stanley, where have you been?! It's almost bedtime!\nRandy: Your mother's been worried sick, and I've been watching TV!\nStan: I got a new job. I'm finally gonna be able to pay off all the money I owe.\nRandy: Oh, well that's good.\nSharon: What kind of job?\nStan: I'm working with the Pee Wee Hockey League.\nRandy: ...What? With the-? [turns around] What whoa wait, Stan. You gave up playing hockey a long time ago.\nStan: I'm not playing, I'm coaching.\nRandy: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?\nStan: [tense] What are you talking about?\nRandy: Your Pee Wee hockey game! The Pepsi Center?! In between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?\nStan: [relaxes] I remember going to Shakey's afterwards.\nRandy: Stan, you can't put your family through this again! Whatever your reasons are!\nStan: [heads upstairs] I'm tired. I'm goin' to bed. [Randy moves towards him a bit, but Stan's door closes, and Randy turns to Sharon]\nRandy: What are we goin' to do, Sharon??\nSharon: What?\nRandy: Don't you get it? He's getting back into hockey to prove something to himself. So he can forget what happened in that Pee Wee skirmish.\nSharon: Maybe he doesn't remember. He was only 4.\nRandy: Oho, he remembers. I'm sure it eats at him every single day.\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's now asleep and begins to dream.\nAnnouncer: And we're about out of time here in another scoreless Pee Wee hockey game. [a boy skates towards the camera] And that's # 7, Stan Marsh, skating towards the goal, sort of, but h doesn't have the puck. [players nowhere near him just fall randomly. Two players manage to move towards a puck. The South Park player falls onto the Denver player, who kicks the puck away]\nDenver goalie: [farts, and realizes he did more than that] I crapped 'em! Oh me I crapped 'em! [leaves the goal defenseless]\nAnnouncer: Oh, it appears the goalie has pooped his pants. [the pucks moves towards Stan and stops right in front of him. The spotlight lands on him. The announcer stands] Oh and look at this! Little Stan Marsh actually has a shot at the goal!\nCrowd: Ohhhh!\nRandy: [with longer hair] Stan?? Shoot it! [Stan isn't sure what to do]\nAnnouncer: Time is running out. Stan Marsh with a chance to win!\nKyle: You got it, Stan!\nRandy: [quite animated. Sharon holds him down] Take the shot!! Take the shot!! [Stan takes the shot and the puck moves towards the goal, but stops just inches from success. The buzzer sounds and no one wins] NOOOOOOOOOOO!\nAnnouncer: Ohoooo, that's the end of the game! How disappointing. [Stan looks around, scared.]\nScene Description: The master bedroom. Randy wakes up from his dream in a fit, jumps up and runs around the bedroom. Sharon sits up in fear\nSharon: Randy, what's wrong??\nRandy: OH! Ohh... Oh Sharon, it was horrible! It was like I was living it all over again.\nScene Description: Park County Hockey Rink, day. Inside, Stan is with his team.\nStan: [blows his whistle] All right, guys. Tonight is our big game against Adams County. We still have all day to practice.\nA man: Coach? Hey coach. [the man and his wife appear] Could we talk to you, please? [Stan leaves the rink to meet them]\nWoman: We are the Browns. Nelson's parents?\nStan: Oh\nMr. Brown: Our little Nelson, he's... taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid! His cancer is... real ba-a-a-ad. [Mrs. Brown tries to soothe him, but begins to weep softly]\nStan: Ohhh.\nMr. Brown: Yeah. Oh. Doctors say this could be it. How am I supposed to do it, coach? How do I look a five year old child in the eye and tell him he's not gonna live? [frustration leads to anger] You tell me, coach! You tell me how!!\nMrs. Brown: Stop it, Jack! He doesn't mean to take it out on you, coach.\nMr. Brown: [frustrated again] No, I don't mean to take it out on you, coach. It's just... [fiddling with his had nervously] I don't know what to say to him, coach. Neither of us do. What do you say tuh... somebody who's dying, huh?\nStan: ... I don't know.\nMr. Brown: Will you talk to him, coach? He looks up to you.\nStan: No, I think you oughta.\nMr. Brown: Nah, I'm just his father. But you're his coach! You're like a father to him.\nMrs. Brown: Please, coach, he's... [turns aside to cry] he's counting on you!\nMr. Brown: [bows several times] Please, coach, he's counting on you!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day.\nScene Description: Nelson's room. A banner over his bed reads \"We Love You, Nelson\" and a balloon reads \"Get Well\".\nStan: [enters the room] Oh uh, hey Nelson.\nNelson: Oh. [coughs] Hi, coach.\nStan: Dude, I can come back later. Is this a bad time for you?\nNelson: Yeah, it's a pretty bad time for me, coach. I'm only five and I'm dying. [Stan walks up to him] Coach, what's it like when you die?\nStan: Wugh, I'm not sure. I would... think that... it's a lot like it was before you were born?\nNelson: How come I have to die now?\nStan: Ogh.\nNelson: I mean, how come I don't get to grow up?\nStan: Goddammit, dude, I don't know.\nNelson: I'm sorry.\nStan: No, what I mean is, nobody really knows, see? But everyone does it. I mean, it's not like everyone else gets to live and only you have to die. Everyone's gonna die. You feel better now?\nNelson: I think so.\nStan: Okay, great. Look, I, I gotta get to the stadium, but uh... hang in there? All right? [gives him a thumbs up and walks away]\nNelson: Thanks, coach. [Stan is close to the door...] Will you do me just one favor, Coach? That game tonight? I'm gonna be watching, so... could you... make it so I don't have cancer?\nStan: No- dude, I told you I can't do that.\nNelson: Well then, will you just... win for me?\nStan: Okay. [pause. He steps out of the room and closes the door. Behind the door is the judge, waiting. He has his record player with him. He starts playing it...]\nJudge: Stan Marsh has always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in perspective. Stan Marsh is... \"Bummin' on Cancer.\" [takes the needle off, and Stan walks away.]\nScene Description: Park County Hockey Rink, night. Spectators begin to stream into the recreation center.\nAnnouncer: Welcome, parents, to this Pee Wee hockey match between Park County and Adams County. [Sharon walks in and sits down]\nAdams County: [Gavin leads them in the cheer] Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win!\nStan: [walks up to Gavin] Coach, can I talk to you for a second?\nGavin: Come to surrender, coach?\nStan: [takes him aside] Look, there's a kid in my team who's got cancer, and, he wants us to win this game really bad, so, could you just... give us kind of a break?\nGavin: HA! I don't think so, Coach. We're gonna beat you into the ground, cancer or no! [turns and heads back to his team] Win! Win! Win! Win!\nAdams County: Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! ...\nScene Description: The Park County locker room, before the game. Stan and his team hold a meeting.\nStan: All right, guys, listen. [turns around] I saw Nelson in the hospital, and he asked me one thing: he said he wanted us to win this game... for him. [the players look at each other]\n# 6: Sooo, if we lose we're gonna kill Nelson?\n# 7: Oh Jesus, no!\n# 3: I don't wanna be a murderer!\nStan: Relax! If we lose we're not gonna be murderers.\n# 7: If we lose are we gonna get cancer?\n# 13: Oh no!\n# 15: Ohhh..\n# 8: Oh no.\n# 6: I don't want cancer.\nScene Description: The game begins. Adams County players tap their sticks to the drum rhythm going on over the speakers.\n# 7: They look pretty strong, coach. I think Nelson's gonna die for sure. [Stan looks a bit awed at the kid's assessment. The referee skates up to the center of the rink. Blur's \"Song No. 2\" begins to play.]\nGavin: Good luck, Coach! You're gonna need it! [the ref throws down the puck and the skaters move... and fall over] Yeah! Let's go Adams!\nScene Description: the spectators look bored. Nothing is happening in the rink except for the Park County goalie picking his nose. The clock shows 5:05 left in the first period\nStan: Let's go, Park! Come on!\nScene Description: Still nothing is happening in the rink. An Adams County player waves to his mom, she waves back. The camera moves around excitedly\nGavin: That's it, Brian! Kill him! [motions to Stan, then returns to watching the game]\nStan: Get near the puck! [Park County players fall. No one is getting near the puck. No. 15, the goalie, continues picking his nose. Fast forward to the end of the third period. An Adams County player is struggling to keep his bladder in check. One second left in the game]\nAnnouncer: And that's the end of the game. The result is a tie.\nStan: Tie? Well, what does that mean?\nJudge: [walks up with his record player and plays it] Stan Marsh was supposed to win it all. The big game. A dying boy's hope. Only problem is, [pulls the needle off the record.] he tied! [puts the needle on another track] And now, he's about to find out that tying isn't the same as winning. [pulls the needle up]\n# 10: So did we kill Nelson or not?\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan peeks into Nelson's room\nStan: Hello?\nNelson: Coach.\nStan: How are you feeling?\nNelson: I feel pretty good, except for the cancer. [coughs] Coach? Does God hate me?\nDr. Doctor: Oh, hello Coach.\nStan: Uh, hi Doc. How's he doing?\nDr. Doctor: Well, he isn't worse, but, he isn't getting better. It's almost as if... his cancer were tied.\nStan: Oh boy.\nNelson: [coughs] Oh. My cancer hurts.\nDr. Doctor: He seems to have put all his hope into you winning that game. And with a tie, he's in a kind of... cancer limbo.\nStan: But what can I do?\nJudge: [rushes into the room with his record player] Stan Marsh! Stan Marsh! Great news! Our hockey team has just been invited to play against Denver County during a Colorado Avalanche game!\nNelson: Wow. [smiles] At the Pepsi Center?\nDr. Doctor: Look! He's coming around again.\nNelson: That's our biggest game ever. Do you think we can win, Coach?\nStan: Well, ah, I mean...\nJudge: [sets the record player on the floor and plays it] Imagine. If there was one game, one chance, to make everything right. Stan Marsh is being given that chance. But to win, he's gonna have to pull out all the stops in... \"Stanley's Cup\"! Rated R. [turns the player off]\nStan: Yeah... yeah, we'll beat 'em.\nNelson: All right! Maybe there IS hope for me.\nDr. Doctor: [takes Stan aside] Just be aware of this, Coach. If you lose the Big Game, that little boy is going to die faster than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.\nScene Description: A restaurant booth, day.\n# 6: Coach! What the hell were you thinking?\n# 3: We can't beat Denver County.\nStan: Well, sure we can.\n# 6: Last time we played Denver they scored seven times.\nStan: Look, guys. I believe in you. Nelson believes in you. Doesn't that count for anything?\n# 8: No, 'cause they're gonna kill us.\nStan: They're not gonna kill us.\n# 6: That's what Steve Irwin said about those stingrays.\nStan: [thinks a bit] Haven't you guys ever seen these movies? We're just supposed to rally together, believe in ourselves, and we win in the end.\n# 3: No. In the movies, they always go out and find a kid who's really good to join the team.\nStan: Hey that's right. We need a ringer. [smiles]\n# 13: We need a Canadian. [Next thing you see is Ike shooting pucks into the goal. Stan and Kyle watch. Stan smiles.]\n# 6: Wow, he's good.\nPark County: Yeah!\nKyle: Stan, I told you. My mom doesn't want Ike playing hockey. She thinks it's dangerous.\nStan: It's just for one game. He won't get hurt, I promise. [Ike is wearing #2]\nPark County: Yeah!\nKyle: All right, but it's gonna take more than one good player to beat the champions, Stan. You'd better have a really good game plan.\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's drawing up plays for his team to carry out. The camera moves enough to include Randy, in his briets at the door, in the shot\nRandy: Can you believe it, Stan? The Pepsi Center. You're going back to the place where it all happened. Same place where you missed that shot all those years ago.\nStan: Dad, I'm working on my game plan right now.\nRandy: Ya have to understand why I can't go. I can't... sit there in that same crowd and watch you destroy yourself again. [sits at the foot of the bed] Oh, Stan. Of all the places, why does it have to be the Pepsi Center? All right, all right, I'll go. No, no I WANT to go. [gets up and looks at Stan] I'm gonna be there for you and... I'll be rooting louder than anybody, saying \"That's my son!\" [turns around and leaves the room, then turns around again] And just remember, Stan: win or lose. Those are your two options, Win, or lose. [turns left and walks away]\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center at Denver, night. Your Colorado Avalanche vs. The Detroit Red Wings. The match is underway and the Red Wings are on offense. One of the Red Wings fires the puck towards the Denver goal, but the Denver goalie blocks it by catching it with his left glove\nAnnouncer: His shot is blocked! What a great save! [a man holds up a banner that reads \"GO AVS.\" The buzzer sounds and the score is tied at 2-2 at the end of the second period] And that's the end of the second period. The score is tied 2-all. [the teams go to their locker rooms] And now please put your hands together for three minutes of exhibition play from some of our state's finest Pee Wee hockey players.\nStan: [at an entrance with his team] All right, you guys, this is it. The moment is here. We've been through a lot together, and according to every movie ever made, we're going to win this game. Just don't forget: there's a little boy in the hospital who's really counting on us. So let's not let him down. Are you with me?! [all the players are with him in their own ways.] All right, let's go win!\nOfficial: [rounds the corner and spots them] Sorry boys, you aren't playing tonight.\nStan: Huh?\nOfficial: The other Pee Wee hockey team didn't show up. There's nobody for you to play. Thanks for makin' the trip though.\nPark County: We came to play.\nStan: S-so then we win?\nOfficial: No. Nobody wins.\nStan: Hey. Hey, you can't do this. [the Avs come up behind Park County] We've, we've been through all this stupid emotional crap!\nOfficial: Well, you've got nobody to play, there's nothing we can do.\nStan: But it isn't supposed to end like this!\nAv 1: Hey, hold on a second. If these kids have been through a lot of emotional changes, then they have to play.\nAv 2: Yeah.\nOfficial: Well, who are they gonna play?\nAv 1: They can take our place.\nAv 3: Yeah. Let 'em play the Red Wings.\nStan: [turns around and face the Avs] Play the Red Wings?\nJudge: [pops in with his record player and plays his record] Stan Marsh coaches a Pee Wee hockey team. But now [pulls the needle off the record] they're going to play in the big leagues. [plays his record again] They've got small bodies but big hearts. Stan Marsh is... going professional. [pops out]\nAv 1: All right! Give 'em hell, boys!\nThe Avs: All right! Yeah!\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center, night, third period.\nAnnouncer: It's a tie game here in Colorado as we get set to start the final period. Your attention, please: for this third and final period, the Detroit Red Wings will be playing... the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team.\nScene Description: Spectators return to their seats, and the period begins. The Red Wings take possession of the puck and begin to knock out Park County players left and right. One Red Wing smashes a Park County player into the plastic\nDenver fans: OHHHHHHHHH!\nStan: Jesus Christ! [another Red Wing takes the puck to the goal, but kicks another Park County player into the plastic off to the side] Stop! Stop this!\nMan: Let them play!\nFans: Let them play! Let them play! [even Randy is cheering for this. The Red Wing finally fires off the shot... into the goalie]\n# 15: EEEK-ugh [lies there, helpless. The shot is good, and the Red Wings get another point.]\nScene Description: Another Red Wings skates up to # 7, jumps, and steps on his face with the edge of the skate, then skates away\nStan: Hey, can they do that??\nIke: [another Red Wing beats him to a bloody pulp] Ow, no. Oh! [a Red Wing fires the puck at # 8 and draws blood out his mouth]\n# 8: AAAGH! [the Red Wings fire pucks into the goal at will and rack up lots of points. For some reason, there's a 4th period and the score is 31-2 Detroit. One final shot from Detroit and the final score is 32-2]\nA Red Wing: Yeah! We did it! We did it! [Queen's \"We Are The Champions\" begins to play]\nScene Description: Red Wing fans celebrate the victory. Red Wings skate around the rink and hug spontaneously, and hi-five each other.\nRandy: NOOO! NOT AGAIN! NOOO! [Sharon restrains him. Red Wings 14 and 30 French-kiss]\n# 6: [with a black left eye and a bloody mouth] I hate you, Coach. I hate you. [The Red Wings coach kisses his wife, then shakes an older man's hand]\nRed Wings coach: Thank you, Dad.\nFormer coach: I'm proud of you, boy. [they give each other a long, warm hug. An NHL official takes a huge trophy over to the Red Wings coach and his team]\nScene Description: Nelson's room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Large text blinks \"Red Wings Win!\" green and yellow on his television.\nFans: Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings!\nNelson: No hope. No... hope... [dies right there, and his vitals flatline]\nFans: Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! [the coach celebrates his victory by waving the trophy around]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Wheel of Fortune. The graphics roll by\nAnnouncer: And now back to Wheel of Fortune!\nScene Description: The camera closes in on Randy, who's got his hands clenched, his thumbs up, and a big grin on his face. He pumps his fists softly. A new car waits behind him to win it\nPat Sajak: All right, Randy, congratulations on making it all the way to the bonus round!\nRandy: Thanks, Pat!\nPat Sajak: You've got some family here watching tonight. [a shot of Sharon, Shelly, and Stan in the audience. Sharon waves, then claps. Stan waves]\nRandy: Yeah, they're all rooting for me.\nPat Sajak: And I'm sure you have lots of friends watching back home?\nScene Description: The town bar. A crowd has gathered to watch the show. Kyle and Ike are there with their parents, Butters is there with his\nRandy: Yeah. Hi, everybody watching in South Park!\nJimbo: That's us!\nStephen: Hehey! [both thumbs up]\nMan 1: [amid other chatter, voice only] Hey Randy!\nJimbo: Good luck!\nScene Description: Back to the studio.\nPat Sajak: Well let's see if you can't make everyone proud. The category is [the words appear onscreen as Vanna White gets ready to turn the letters on the board] People Who Annoy You.\nRandy: Okay. [deep exhale]\nPat Sajak: As always, we give you the letters R, T, S, L, and E. [Some of the letters light up blue and Vanna turns them around: ERS] We just need three more consonants, and a vowel.\nRandy: Okay I'd like a B, an N, and a G.\nPat Sajak: And a vowel?\nRandy: [quickly crosses his fingers in both hands and grits his teeth] An O please.\nPat Sajak: Okay, well, looks like you're gonna get a lot of help here. [more letters light up blue and Vanna turns them around. Randy claps softly] The category is People Who Annoy You. [the letters are NGG, but no O: N_GGERS. Randy stops clapping] Audience, keep quiet, please. [the white people in the audience are shocked and terrified while the black people are angry and glaring at Randy. One of the cameramen peeks out from behind the camera - he's black]\nRandy: Uh... Well, uh...\nPat Sajak: Ten seconds, Mr. Marsh.\nRandy: I know it but I don't think I should say it.\nPat Sajak: Five seconds, Mr. Marsh.\nRandy: Oh all right uh, I'd like to solve the puzzle! [beat] Ni**ers! [the audience is stone quiet. Randy gets the buzzer for the wrong answer and drops his arms.] Huh? [Vanna goes to turn the last letter around - A - then walks back to her post and looks at the ground] Ohhh...\nStan: [covers his eyes] Ooooh. [Sharon and Shelly are stunned]\nRandy: [subdued] Oh naggers. Of course, naggers. [sheepish grin] Right.\nPat Sajak: [awkwardly] Uhh, can we cut to a... [back at the bar in South Park] Can we cut to a- [the station goes off the air. The bar patrons are confused]\nScene Description: On the road back home. Stan still has his hand over his eyes. Sharon has her eyes closed and her head in her right hand\nRandy: [sniffs, then] Well, gave it my best shot. Least we had a fun trip, huh, gang?\nSharon: I can't believe you said the N-word on national television!\nRandy: Wha?! Well what was I supposed to do, Sharon? I thought I was gonna make $30,000! Stanley, the only reason Daddy used that word is that he thought he would win money.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The kids arrive at school.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk into view.\nKyle: Dude, did your dad know that the show was being broadcast live?\nCartman: Dude, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen! I watched it on YouTube about sixty times!\nStan: Can we just drop this, please? I don't wanna talk about it!\nCartman: Yeah, well, it's not us you have to worry about. It's Token. [points at the camera. Dramatic music swells. The camera then looks at Token, who's putting some books into his locker] He is gonna wanna kick your cracker teeth in.\nStan: No, he's not. [looks at Kyle] Is he?\nKyle: I don't know.\nStan: I just need to explain things. [walks up to Token, who's finished with the locker and holds only a binder in his right hand] Hey Token. Look, I don't know if you saw Wheel of Fortune last night, but-\nToken: Yeah, I was watching with my whole family. And then we saw all the replays this morning on the news.\nStan: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist. He's just stupid, all right? He just blurted out the N-word, and it's no big deal, okay?\nToken: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal, Stan.\nCartman: Ohhhhhhhh?\nToken: It may be a mistake, but you don't understand how it feels when that word comes up. So don't say it isn't a big deal.\nCartman: Oh, shit, here we go! [gets really excited and cuts in between them, yelling] It's on! Race war! [goes back and yells at one end of the hall] Race war! Race war! [comes back again and yells at the other end of the hall] Race war is on, everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down! [returns, just itching to see Stan and Token fight]\nStan: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive. Just forget about it.\nToken: That's easy for you to say, Stan.\nCartman: [softly] Yeah, come on! Here we go!\nStan: Yeah, but he didn't say it in anger or anything like that.\nToken: That doesn't mean I can just be fine.\nCartman: [softly] Race war! Come on! Race war!\nToken: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody. [turns left and walks away]\nCartman: Token forfeits! [takes Stan's left hand and holds it up in victory] Whites win! [lets go and twirls away] Whites win! [runs to one end of the hall] Race war is over, everybody! Whites won again!\nScene Description: In an office somewhere, day.\nRandy: I want to apologize deeply and sincerely for using the N-word on Wheel of Fortune. And I want to assure you that I am not a racist, Reverend Jackson. [The camera shows Jesse Jackson behind a desk, with three officials around him]\nJesse Jackson: [elbows on armrests, hands interlaced] The puzzle you were solving was \"people who annoy you\".\nRandy: Uh well, like anybody else thought it was \"naggers\". I mean, right?\nJesse Jackson: Mr. Marsh, you need to take time to understand African-American culture, visit black museums, see black performers and artists.\nRandy: Oh! Ah I will! I'm really down with [making sure he gets it right] African-Americans.\nJesse Jackson: [thinks a moment] Do you really want to apologize? Are you sure?\nRandy: Y-Yes, absolutely.\nJesse Jackson: [long exhale] Very well. If you want to apologize, I will accept. [rises from his chair and approaches Randy]\nRandy: Hahh, thank you, Mr. Jackson, thank you.\nJesse Jackson: Brian, get a picture of Mr. Marsh apologizing. [takes off his coat, rolls up his shirt sleeves...]\nBrian: [with camera] Ready to go, sir.\nJesse Jackson: [...unzips and drops his pants, then drops his briefs and sticks his ass out at Randy] Kiss it.\nRandy: Huh?\nJesse Jackson: Apologize. Kiss it.\nRandy: You want me to kiss your-\nJesse Jackson: That's right. [gyrates his butt around] Apologize.\nRandy: Agh, oh, okay. I'll ahh... [genuflects] Let's see here uh...\nJesse Jackson: [gyrates his butt around again] Apologize. [Randy kisses Jesse's ass for a few seconds and the picture is taken. It appears in newspapers like the New York News]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The bell rings and Stan approaches Token at his locker.\nStan: Hey Token. I just wanted to let you know that everything is cool now. My dad apologized to Jesse Jackson.\nToken: Oh I see, so I'm supposed to feel all better now.\nStan: Well, yeah.\nToken: [throws his backpack into the locker] You just don't get it, Stan!\nStan: Dude, Jesse Jackson said it's okay!\nToken: [spins around angrily] Jesse Jackson, is not the emperor, of black people! [storms away]\nStan: [softly] He told my dad he was...\nScene Description: The school gym, later. All the students have been called to assemble there.\nWoman: [dressed in a sharp business suit] Today we are going to have a guest speaker talk to us about sensitivity and the power of words. [Stan looks over at Token in the row before him] In a moment you will meet Dr. David Nelson, who has first-hand experience in overcoming slander, because David is himself, a little person. Who knows what a little person is? [Butters raises his hand] Yes? Over here?\nButters: A midget?\nWoman: Not exactly. That term is actually considered offensive, and that's why Dr. Nelson goes from school to school getting us all to think about what we say. He has two PhD.'s and has published six books! Please welcome David Nelson!\nMr. Nelson: [waddles in to some fanfare, swaying back and forth] Good morning, students! How are we all feeling today? [the music stops. Cartman chuckles, then lets out a laugh, and can't stop] I would like to share with you all my-\nCartman: No! Dude! No fucking way! [laughs] Dude! [resumes laughing]\nMr. Nelson: That, that words are like bullets. And if you give-\nCartman: [shakes his head back and forth, then rears back, laughing all the while] Stop! Stop! Stop! Stohahahahahahaha...\nMr. Mackey: [appears next to Mr. Nelson] Eric, be quiet!\nMr. Nelson: No, no, it's okay. He'll run out of steam here pretty soon. [Cartman continues laughing, and even nudges Stan a few times to get him to laugh, but Stan just gets annoyed.]\nCartman: Look! Look look, look. They put a little suit on him. [resumes laughing. Mr. Nelson gets pissed off, but holds it in]\nScene Description: A comedy club - The Laugh Factory. Randy is walking down the street and notices the club\nRandy: Ooh! An African-American performer at the comedy club. [rushes over]\nScene Description: Inside the club an African-American is doing his routine\nComedian: And so I said to my wife, \"You told me to kill the damned cockroach! Don't yell at me for making a mess!\" [the audience laughs. Randy is in the audience, laughing] We've got a great crowd here tonight. Now, how many people here are actually from Colorado? [a few audience members and Randy clap and holler] Ya got nothin' better to do on a Friday night than to go to a comedy club, huh? [that gets a big laugh from the crowd. The comedian points to Randy] Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? [the crowd falls silent, and Randy looks uncomfortable] Yeah. I know you. You're the guy that said \"ni**er\" on Wheel of Fortune. [the audience laughs. Randy lets out a weak chuckle] Look! Everybody! It's the \"ni**er\" guy. [big laughs all around]\nMan 2: Hey, it is him.\nComedian: Oh, we got a star in the club. Everyone wave to the \"ni**er\" guy. [waves, and the audience waves with him] Say, \"Hi, 'ni**er' guy!\"\nAudience: Hi, \"ni**er\" guy! [Randy waves back and now has a guilty smile on his face, which quickly changes to a guilty frown]\nComedian: That's all right, \"ni**er\" guy. You know we just playin'. [the crowd roars with laughter and claps]\nRandy: Yeah... No problem...\nComedian: Have you all seen these navigation systems in these cars these days? Damn things look like they're right out of \"Far Out Space Nuts\". Maybe \"ni**er\" guy has one. You got one, \"ni**er\" guy? [the audience roars with laughter again and Randy leaves, his head hung in shame. He wanders the streets]\nScene Description: A run-down part of the city, night.\nMan 3: [walks by with a woman] Hey look, Betty. It's that \"ni**er\" guy. [Randy sighs and walks on]\nThree kids: [passing by on skateboards] Ni**er guy. Ni**er guy. [they leave, Randy sighs again and walks on. He stops by a 24-hour store to get some aspirin]\nClerk: [white] Hey. What do you think you're doing? [an Asian clerk stands behind him]\nRandy: I just... need some aspirin.\nClerk: You aren't welcome in this store, \"ni**er\" guy.\nRandy: Fine! [leaves the aspirin on the counter and rushes out the door]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, principal's office. Mr. Nelson is there to lodge a complaint. Principal Victoria sits at her desk, Mr. Mackey stands to her left.\nMr. Nelson: Principal Victoria, I am very concerned about the behavior of one of your students.\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, we apologize for Eric Cartman's behavior, Mr. Nelson. We feel terrible.\nMr. Nelson: Why? I don't feel terrible. It doesn't bother me at all. [waddles to his left] Words are like bullets, and I let 'em pass right through me. [waddles back] I just know that with some one-on-one time together with this Eric Cartman, I have a chance to change the way he thinks.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, it might be best if you just ...let it go, m'kay?\nMr. Nelson: You don't understand. [waddles around] You see, words are like bullets. And if you take away the gunpowder-\nMr. Mackey: Yeah yeah, we we get it, Mr. Nelson.\nPrincipal Victoria: Very well, Mr. Nelson. [presses a button on her phone] Stacey, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman. [the door opens and Cartman walks in and immediately bursts into laughter upon seeing Mr. Nelson.] Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you respond to little people.\nCartman: [stops long enough to respond] Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? [resumes laughing]\nMr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.\nCartman: [before Mr. Nelson finishes talking] Oh oh oh oh! If we could get, like, eight of these, we could dress them all up like little beavers, right, and then put 'em in a pond, and see if they build a dam! [stomps his foot on the floor, points to Mr. Nelson, and laughs. Principal Victoria buries her face in her hands]\nMr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing.\nCartman: [stops] Barely! [starts up again]\nMr. Nelson: [assertively] No matter how you act, I can rise above it!\nCartman: [stops] \"Rise above it!\" Get it? [starts up again]\nMr. Nelson: [steps up to Cartman] Shut your fucking mouth!\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Nelson! [Mr. Nelson blanches. Cartman looks at him, then cracks up again and falls on his ass in laughter]\nMr. Nelson: He, he, he didn't get to me. I was I was just I wast just joking\nCartman: Look, look how its face gets all red! He's like a little strawberry!\nMr. Nelson: [grimaces] Aaaaaaa!\nScene Description: South Park, night, Viggo's Coffee House. A sign outside announces \"SPOKEN WORD CONTEST TONIGHT,\" Inside, a pair of black hands drums away on some bongo drums. Next, Randy is shown onstage, the drummer in the background\nRandy: Words with venom, words that bind. Words used like weapons to cloud my mind. I'm a person. I'm a man. But no matter how I try, people just say \"Hey! There's that 'ni**er' guy.\" [no response from the crowd] Everywhere I go, it's always the same. Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name. \"Hey Ni**er Guy! Ni**er Guy! Hi Ni**er Guy!\" Stop! Now go. Call me Ni**er Guy! Fill me with your hate! Try to bring me down- Oop up, you're too late. When will it end, will there ever be a time? When I can be thought of as more... than just \"Ni**er Guy\". [no response from the crowd] Respect. [throws up the V sign and walks off stage]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Stan walks up to Token again\nStan: Token! Hey, wait up. [Token turns around] I just wanted to say, I get it now. You know, after that \"little person\" talk at that assembly the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N word.\nToken: Sooo black people are midgets? [turns around and walks away. At the far end of the hallway Mr. Nelson rounds the corner and walks towards Stan.]\nStan: God dammit!\nMr. Nelson: Excuse me, over here, please? All right, I need all students to join me over here. [heads towards the gym. The available students follow him]\nScene Description: The gym. Only the fourth graders are there\nMr. Nelson: I have called you here because it is time that we taught Eric Cartman a lesson once and for all! In a few seconds, Eric will be sent in, and when we walks through that door, I want you all at the same time to yell, \"Hello, fatso!\"\nCraig: ...I don't think that's a very good idea, sir.\nMr. Nelson: He has to learn his lesson! You see, words are like bullets. [turns around and sees Cartman] All right all right, here he comes. [walks off-screen. Cartman enters the gym]\nKids: \"Hello, fatso!\"\nCartman: Hey! What the hell is that?! You think that's fuckin' funny?! [walks up to Kyle accusingly] Kyle, did you put everybody up to this?! [Mr. Nelson walks out towards the entrance, then curves around to stand behind Cartman] I bet you did! What the hell is going on?!\nMr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels. [Cartman turns around and looks at him, then bursts out laughing] You'd better shut up or i'm gonna kick your ass!\nCartman: Alright, alright, alright, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you? Gahahahahaha!\nScene Description: A conference hall, somewhere. Randy speaks before an entire group made up of only black people.\nRandy: And so it is my honor to announce today the Randy Marsh African-American Scholarship Foundation. [gets good applause for that] It is my hope that this foundation will prove my commitment to the education of African-American students and erase once and for all my identity as the \"ni**er\" guy. [no response] You really... you really don't know how hard it is to be constantly reminded of something lame that happened in your past. I mean I... just wanna move on from what happened on \"Wheel of Fortune\", you know and... and when people call me... \"ni**er guy\"... they're bringing up a painful chapter of my history and all the negativity that went along with it. You just... you can't imagine how that feels. [no response]\nBlack Man: Is this \"ni**er\" guy serious?\nRandy: Anyway, here's to a new start for us all. Thank you! [walks off.]\nScene Description: Outside, night. He walks towards his car when a truck passes by. It screeches to a halt and backs up to stop in front of Randy. Two rednecks are in the cab, a third is in the bed\nDriver: Thar look Skeeter! That's that guy from the TV!\nSkeeter: [the redneck in the cab] Well well well, looks like we got ourselves a ni**er guy! [reaches down and grabs a shotgun. Randy takes off running.]\nRandy: Awww! Awwww! [the rednecks give chase. Skeeter just shoots in the air, aiming at no one]\nSkeeter: Yee haw! Yiiip yip yip yip yip yip.\nPassenger: Wooo! [pumps his left fist]\nRandy: Whoa! [sees a clearing across the street and runs into it. The truck passes it, screeches to a halt, and backs up. Randy turns around and sees the three rednecks standing before him, shotguns aimed at him]\nSkeeter: Where you goin' \"ni**er\" guy?\nRandy: Please I, I don't want any trouble.\nSkeeter: Well you got trouble, when you first decided to slander an entire race of people on \"Wheel of Fortune\"!\nDriver: Yeah. You like making fun of minorities, \"ni**er\" guy? Huh we don't take kindly to social ignorance.\nPassenger: You tell 'im, Skeeter, you tell 'im!\nRandy: [holds his hands out in a blocking position] What do you want?\nSkeeter: What do we want? [he and the passenger laugh] We want to live in a world without people like you who are intolerant of African-Americans!\nMan 4: [from screen left, out of nowhere] Leave him alone.\nPassenger: Hey... That's that other \"ni**er\" guy.\nSkeeter: Huh?\nPassenger: That's the guy from Seinfeld, used the N-word a whole bunch o' times.\nDriver: Michael Richards? Well, son of a bitch!\nSkeeter: Looks like it's our lucky day! We done got us two \"ni**er\" guys!\nMan 5: [from screen right] Make that three.\nPassenger: Mark Fuhrman?\nSkeeter: Who?\nPassenger: He done said the N-word in the O.J. case.\nDriver: Well what is this? A \"ni**er\" guy convention? [two more men appear beside Randy, Richards and Fuhrman]\nRichards: We aren't being pushed around anymore. Leave.\nDriver: Come on, Skeeter. [he and the other rednecks back up towards their truck] These \"ni**er\" guys ain't worth our trouble.\nSkeeter: [from the truck bed] Damn \"ni**er\" guys! [the other two get into the cab] We'll be back! [the truck starts up and the rednecks hoot and holler and fire off their weapons as they speed away]\nRichards: [puts his hands on Randy's right shoulder] You'd better come with us.\nScene Description: An abandoned barn nearby, moments later. The five men go in\nRichards: Come on in, Mr. Marsh. We'll make you some coffee.\nRandy: What's going on here?\nFuhrman: [pours Randy a cup of coffee and gives it to him] We've been following your story since we first saw it on the news. Don't worry - you're with friends now. Dale here used the N-word in a racial joke at work. Scott used the plural N-word to refer to a group of gardeners who broke his fence.\nScott: They were Mexicans. I was being ironic.\nRichards: We're all just like you.\nRandy: No. [smacks Richards' hand off his shoulder and puts the cup down] No no, I'm sorry, but I'm not... like you. I just said the N-word by mistake to win money.\nRichards: I made a mistake too. [moves forward a bit] I was trying to be funny! I got frustrated and thought I would get some shock laughs. I'm just... not that good of a comedian if you want to know the real truth.\nRandy: You said the N-word to a black man's face! That's way worse than what I did!\nRichards: [turns around and gets in Randy's face] You really think that matters?! [moves to Randy's ear] You really think all those people out there see a difference? Oh, they might say your racial slur was more accidental; they might even laugh about it. But at the end of the day, all you are to them is just another damn \"ni**er\" guy! [Randy swallows a bit] Oh, you don't like that, do ya?\nRandy: No.\nFuhrman: Randy, we want you to join us. We have a plan to make this all go away once and for all.\nScene Description: South Park, day, the neighborhood.\nStan: Now look, Token, I've done everything I can to make this right! You have no reason to still be mad!\nToken: I have every reason to be mad! You just don't get it!\nStan: I'm not responsible for what my dad did!\nToken: No, but you can't just pretend it never happened either!\nStan: What the hell do you want from me?! [Butters appears across the street, rather out of breath. Upon seeing them, he runs over]\nToken: Nothing!\nStan: Then stop being mad!\nToken: No!\nButters: Fellas! Fellas come quick! Cartman's gonna fight the midget! [Butters runs off. Stan and Token look at each other silently then shrug, as they turn to follow Butters]\nScene Description: The community park. The kids have gathered to see Cartman and Mr. Nelson fight.\nButters: C'mon now Eric, come on now.\nKyle: Dude, are you sure you wanna do this? Apparently this guy has a black belt in karate.\nCartman: It's a midget, dude.\nMr. Nelson: [\"Down with the Sickness\" by Disturbed starts playing] Students, I am going to beat the crap out of this kid to prove a point.\nCartman: Hahaha, no- no dude. It can't talk, that isn't fair, I'll laugh too much. [the kids urge them to fight, and the match begins]\nScene Description: Cartman gets Mr. Nelson ...in a half-Nelson, then picks him up, carries him around 360 degrees, then throws him off. Mr. Nelson gets under Cartman to pick him up and throw him over his back, but ends up just tickling Cartman, and Cartman laughs.\nScene Description: The United State Senate. Randy is addressing the senators.\nRandy: Senators, I know it is not normally considered \"American\" to ban words. [Randy is flanked by Fuhrman and Richards] But there is one slur that has caused so much damage that we believe it should finally be made illegal. I'm talking, of course, about the term \"ni**er guy\".\nSenator 1: \"Ni**er guy\"?\nRandy: Two words which by themselves can be harmless but which together... form a verbal missile of hate.\nRichards: Yeah! That's right!\nRandy: Oh sure. Some people just use the term in jest - tell a ni**er guy joke or two thinking it's no big deal - but they don't realize it can lead to people using the term as an excuse for violence.\nSkeeter: [with his two friends] Goddamn ni**er guy's tryin' to be all political-like now!\nRandy: Senators, I've learned to admit that I'm capable of having- slightly racist thoughts once in a while. Can anybody say they never do? How long will it be before you are all called \"ni**er guys\"? [the senators are somewhat shocked]\nSenator 2: Uhhh, hold on a second, are you suggesting that \"ni**er guy\" could become a slur that refers to all white people?\nSenator 3: I'm certainly not a ni**er guy. I've never thought a racist thought.\nSenator 4: [black senator] Aw, come on, you're the biggest ni**er guy in Washington.\nSenator 1: Mr. Marsh, we see now the importance of your bill. [raises his left hand] All those in favor to ban the term \"ni**er guy\"?\nMost Senators: Aye!\nSenator 1: Opposed?\nSenator 4: [a lone black senator] Nay?\nSenator 1: The motion is passed! [lowers the gavel.]\nScene Description: Outside the Senate building, supporters of the bill celebrate with confetti and streamers. Randy walks out and across the lawn with Richards and Fuhrman.\nRandy: We did it!\nField reporter: For the first time in American history, a word has been officially banned from use.\nSenator 3: From now on, if a person uses the word \"ni**er,\" it must be at least seven words away from the word \"guy.\" [a group of black people is shown, not reacting in any way to the announcement. Everyone else continues cheering.]\nField reporter: Tom, it appears that the ni**er guy epidemic is ove- [two police officers come and take him away] Oh dammit I said it, didn't I?\nScene Description: Back at the community park Cartman and Mr. Nelson continue wrestling. Cartman has beat Mr. Nelson up pretty good and now has him pinned to the ground.\nMr. Nelson: AAAA! Ow! Ow! Okay! [Cartman punches him in the face a few times] Okay, you win!\nCartman: Say \"Uncle!\"\nMr. Nelson: Ung-cle!\nCartman: Hahaha, now say \"Carol Anne, don't go into the light!\"\nMr. Nelson: Carol Anne, don't go into the light!\nCartman: Haaha, hahahahahaha! Oh man, that is hysterical! [Mr. Nelson rises and pummels him in the back of the head. Cartman falls forward] Oh!\nMr. Nelson: There! Now you all see that I am not limited by my size. [Cartman comes alive again and laughs] I have proven my point! My work here is done! [waddles away. The kids begin to disperse]\nStan: What was his point?\nKyle: I have no idea.\nStan: Dude, I don't get it.\nKyle: I don't get it either.\nStan: [comes to a certain realization] Wait a minute. That's it! I don't get it.\nKyle: ...Huh?\nStan: Don't you see, Kyle? I don't get it! [smiles, then walks up to Token] Token, I get it now. I don't get it. I've been trying to say that I understand how you feel, but, I'll never understand. I'll never really get how it feels for a black person to have somebody use the N word. I don't get it.\nToken: Now you get it, Stan. [smiles]\nStan: [smiles] Yeah. I totally don't get it.\nToken: Thanks, dude."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A scrapbook shot of Butters sleeping, with a poo mustache on his face.\nCartman: This picture I like to call \"The Pierre\". I invited Butters to stay the night, and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. Hahahahaha. [the caption reads \"THE PIERRE 3/10/07.\" Cartman flips the page. The pages are artsy in design] And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth. [Yep, the tampon is in there like a thermometer] I call this picture \"The Sleeping Menstrual\". [the caption is shown, Cartman flips the page. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny stand around him, looking at the pictures. They're all in Cartman's room.] This one, I call \"Hot Fudge Mondae\". [caresses the picture] I really like how the light plays with the background on this one.\nKyle: Is this all you brought us here to see?\nCartman: Oh no, there's much more. [flips the page] Let's see- Oh yes, look at this one: I call it \"New Moon Rising\". [a shot of Cartman hanging his ass over Butters' face] I did a whole study using my ass. [Cartman's ass over Butters' face from the left side] Here it is using some high-contrast stuff. [next, Cartman wearing darker pajamas, mooning Butters] trying out some... different light filters here. [last shot looks faded, with Cartman's ass directly on Butters' face.] But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because tonight... is going to be my coop de grass.\nKyle: Butters is staying over tonight?\nCartman: Yes. And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to-\nButters: [appears at Cartman's bedroom door] Hey, fellas! [Stan and Kenny turn around. Kyle looks over his left shoulder]\nCartman: Heh! [quickly puts away his scrapbook] Oh, oh hey, Butters! [turns around and greets him] I wasn't expecting you so soon.\nButters: Yeah. [puts down his sleeping bag] I finished my chores so I came over a little early. [Cartman takes the sleeping bag and sets it aside. Butters notices the other guys] Hey! Are you guys all sleepin' over too?\nCartman: [returns] No no, these guys were just leaving. [faces the other guys menacingly] Weren't you guys?\nStan: Come on, let's go. [leads Kyle and Kenny out the door.]\nKyle: [stops] Wait, wai- I can't let this happen. [turns around] Butters.\nButters: Yeah Kyle?\nKyle: Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over?\nCartman: Kyyyle!\nButters: Uh what do you mean?\nKyle: I mean, that if-\nCartman: What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend! But grow up, Kyle! Change is a part of life.\nButters: Heh yeah, grow up, Kyle.\nKyle: [angered] Hrrugh! [leaves]\nButters: So what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while?\nCartman: Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon.\nButters: But, uh-ih-it's only 6:30.\nCartman: Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you are not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink.\nScene Description: South Park, morning. The boys walk up to the bus stop. Cartman isn't with them.\nCartman: [off screen] You guys! I got it! [runs in and joins them] It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!\nStan: What'cha do to Butters this time?\nCartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up at his own cleverness]\nKyle: Dude!\nCartman: I know I know, check it out, look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Heheh. Oh man, I got him good!\nStan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?\nCartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!\nKyle: No dude, that makes you gay!\nCartman: Eh- ...what?\nKyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!\nCartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh uh.\nKyle: Yeah huh!\nCartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?\nKenny: (Ehe, that makes you very fucking gay.)\nCartman: But I'm not g-I'm not gay, you guys!\nStan: You are now.\nCartman: No, no, it was a stupid mistake!\nKyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.\nCartman: No, it was just for a second! [seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away] What, what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?\nStan: You can't!\nKyle: No-no wait. I I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.\nCartman: How?\nKyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.\nCartman: [low voice] Really?\nKyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.\nCartman: [beat] ...Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]\nKyle: [beat] ...Idiot.\nScene Description: Butters' bedroom, several minutes later. Butters is playing with his toys - a car, a truck, and a small action figure.\nButters: [singing] Help me, I thinking I'm falling in love with you... [continues howling the tune]\nCartman: [enters the room] Butters.\nButters: [stops playing and gets up] Whoa, hey Eric.\nCartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.\nButters: [a little excited] A surprise? What is it?\nCartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!\nButters: [really excited] Oh boy!\nCartman: You ready?\nButters: Y-yeah!\nCartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and, and get on your knees!\nButters: [closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees] Oh, okay! [Cartman grabs a handkerchief from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]\nCartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]\nButters: How come uh, I can't see?\nCartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toybox]\nButters: Oh uh, ho yeah.\nCartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters? [lowers them and ...] That's good, just like that.\nButters: [wary all of a sudden] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh stick something icky in my mouth, are ya?\nCartman: ...I swear on my mother's life, Butters. I am not going to stick anything icky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]\nButters: Well okay!\nCartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own wiener] All right just- okay, open uh- okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go. [at that moment the door opens and Stephen enters.]\nStephen: Butters!\nCartman: Uh! [quickly gets dressed up]\nButters: Whoa! Hey Dad! [Cartman steps down from the toy-box and runs away]\nStephen: Butters! What are you doing?!\nButters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]\nStephen: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes off the blindfold]\nButters: [looks around] Hey. Where'd Eric go?\nStephen: [quite concerned, on bended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?\nButters: Like what?\nStephen: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.\nButters: What's... bi-curious?\nStephen: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters. [Linda appears at the doorway]\nLinda: What's going on, you two?\nButters: Nothin' Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]\nScene Description: South Park Church, day. Butters and Stephen are in the rectory.\nStephen: Father Maxi, I... just don't know where else to turn. You see, I've just learned that my son is... bi-curious.\nFather Maxi: Is that true, son? Are you feeling... confused?\nButters: ...Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright.\nStephen: You see?\nFather Maxi: Young man, These confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get a hold of you.\nButters: Really?\nStephen: What can I do, Father?\nFather Maxi: There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son, can go and be cleansed by the power of God. Many bi-curious boys come out the camp completely cured.\nStephen: A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea.\nButters: Whoa boy! Camp!\nScene Description: Stan's living room. He, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a board game, Living. A door opens and closes, and Cartman appears.\nCartman: Haahaahahaha! [crosses his arms] Very funny! I suppose you really think you got me!\nKyle: What are you talking about, fatass?\nCartman: [uncrosses his arms] I checked on the Internet, Kyyyle, and getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said!\nKyle: You figured that out, huh?\nCartman: [crosses his arms again as he turns away] That's right. And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay! All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened, and nobody will ever know. [pleased with himself]\nKyle: Except for us.\nCartman: Right, except for you.\nKyle: And all the people we tell.\nCartman: [turns around] Why would you tell anybody?\nStan: Because it's really, really funny.\nCartman: ...It's not that funny. There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier.\nKyle: Like what?\nCartman: Liiike... a tampon... in the school cafeteria... in, in somebody's lunch. [grins, but Stan and Kyle ignore him] Liiike, a, a dog crap... on, on a guy's face! [chuckles]\nStan: That isn't funny.\nCartman: [angrily] Yes it is! Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off! You'd better not tell anybody!\nKyle: Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't.\nCartman: Fine! Whatever! You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth! It will be your word against mine! And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys! [the other boys continue playing. Cartman changes tactics: he pleads] You guys, please don't tell anybody.\nKyle: Okay. We won't tell anybody as long as you are super nice to us, every day, from now on.\nCartman: Oh right, like that's possible! Alright, fine! You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?! I'm gonna go home, and photo shop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here! And if ANY of you say anything to anybody, I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle. [turns around and cackles] Haha, hahahaha! [leaves the house]\nScene Description: Camp New Grace entrance, night. Stephen pulls up with Butters, and some campers and camp staffers come out to greet them. Butters hops out of the passenger side, dressed in shirt and tie. Stephen goes to the trunk to bring out a suitcase.\nLeader: Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters.\nCampers: Hi Butters. Hello. Hi. Hello Butters.\nStephen: [brings the suitcase to an elder staffer] Thank you so much for taking him in.\nDirector: Don't worry. Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be.\nScene Description: Camp New Grace interior, night. The camp director is showing Butters around.\nDirector: Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters?\nButters: Because I'm bi-curious?\nDirector: That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused, and you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy. [they approach a room] Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy. [Room 22] Ryan thought he could never change. But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life. [the door opens, and a boy is shown hanging from a noose in the middle of his room. The stool and book he stood on are fallen on the floor. The director quickly closes the door and continues the tour] Over this way we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there. [notices another boy in front of them] Uh Bradley! How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy?\nBradley: Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up. - Peter 5:6\nDirector: Butters here is new to the camp. He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.\nButters: I'm bi-curious.\nBradley: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman: that is detestable. - Leviticus 18:22.\nDirector: That's right, Bradley. I think we're well on our way to being healed. [(a boy has hanged himself) whispers softly to a staffer as the staffer walks by] We've got another one: Room 22.\nStaffer: Aw, darnit!\nScene Description: Community park, dusk. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are taking turns shooting the basketball at the hoop. Stan shoots and misses\nStan: Aw man, I've got H O R S now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball.]\nKyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]\nCartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!\nKyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?\nCartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know God damned well what!\nKyle: Let go of me.\nStan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!\nCartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!\nKyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture.\nCartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!\nKyle: I don't have it.\nCartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fuckin' Jew legs right here.\nKyle: Shut up.\nCartman: You shut up! You're lying, and [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews! [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly] OW! [puts his left hand over his right arm] OW! AAAAUH! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park] NYAAAAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: Camp New Grace, chapel, day. Kids of every age are there singing in unison.\nCampers: The Lord is love this forWith Jesus I can just say noAnd not be confused anymore.\nDirector: We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips. For those of you who are new to camp, Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you.\nButters: He's bi-curious too?\nDirector: Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed, and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured! Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids!\nPastor Phillips: [flies onto the stage and prances about speaking flamboyantly] Helloooo campers! [twirls some and strikes a pose] Yeth, believe it or not, I mythelf used to have unclean urges, and like a lot of you, I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice. But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way! God wanted me to be a man! [strikes a running pose] So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what? [jumps up into the air and does a 1080] It worrrrked! [strikes another pose, then eases up]\nDirector: That's right, kids. You see, right now you're like a paper clip. [pulls on out of his back pocket] And just like a paper clip, [begins to mess with it] God needs to bend you, and shape you, and make youuuu... straight. [presents the straightened paper clip. A Latino boy pulls out a gun, shoots himself through the temple, and goes down. Butters is startled. The director and Pastor Phillips just stand there.]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, South Park Division, day.\nDet. Yates: So you say you were robbed. [fills out a police report]\nCartman: Yes. A photograph. And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski.\nDet. Yates: If it's a photo, what's the big deal? Why don't you just print out another one?\nCartman: It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertih, and I want it back!\nDet. Yates: Okay, what is the picture of?\nCartman: [long pause] Why... why does that matter?\nDet. Yates: Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is?\nCartman: All right. It's a picture ...of me.\nDet. Yates: Yes?\nCartman: It's a picture ...of me. [long pause] And um... what appears to be... a penis... in my mouth.\nDet. Yates: [long pause] You were sucking somebody's penis. [this grabs other officers' attention.]\nCartman: No, no I was not! I was asleep, and this person just... put their penis in my mouth without me knowing! And and took the picture!\nDet. Yates: ...I see.\nCartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture... that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling, with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep.\nDet. Yates: Well we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury.\nCartman: I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow! And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell!\nDet. Yates: Well then, you're screwed.\nScene Description: Camp New Grace, camp office. Butters and Bradley face the director and four staffers - one of them is a woman, another is Pastor Phillips\nDirector: You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell?\nButters: Well sure, I guess.\nBradley: Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls.\nDirector: And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye?\nButters: Well yeah, sure.\nBradley: So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean. - Corinthians, chapter 7.\nDirector: Then do you mind telling us why we found this [holds up a magazine with an aroused male model on one of its pages] 1979 Sears men's underwear catalog... in your room?\nBradley: That's... that's mine.\nDirector: You know this is strictly forbidden!\nButters: Ah I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear?\nDirector: [rises from his chair and walks up to Butters] What's wrong?! [thrusts the magazine onto Butters' face] This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it?! This is confusing you right now, isn't it?!\nButters: Yes, it's all very confusing!\nDirector: This is just as much your fault, Butters! Bradley is your accountabilibuddy! That makes you accountabilibuddyable. Both of your boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids! [a gunshot and body drop are heard off screen and all the adults present look to their right. The director sighs twice, rests his left elbow on his desk, holds his left hand up, drops his head onto it, and closes his eyes. The other staffers take notice. Bradley looks down, Butters looks down, then around] Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days!\nScene Description: 8:26 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman sits at his desk looking distraught.\nCartman: That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture. Only twelve hours from now. [pounds his desk and gets determined] That's it. I don't have a choice. I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one! I'm just... going to have to tell her the truth. [grabs his ears and starts twisting them until they hurt] Ow. OW. OW!\nScene Description: The Cartman's kitchen, moments later. Liane balances her checkbook and pays off some bills at the breakfast table. Cartman enters the kitchen, puts his head against the wall and begins to cry.\nLiane: [taking notice] Eric? What's the, what's the matter? [walks over to him to console him]\nCartman: [crying throughout] I, don't, want to go to school tomorrow!\nLiane: Sweetie, shhh, tell Mommy what happened.\nCartman: Kyle, has a picture of me, and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell, and, everyone's gonna laugh at meeee.\nLiane: Oh, now why would he do that?\nCartman: Because, he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So, he's gonna show everyone the picturrrre.\nLiane: What is the picture of, Eric? [Cartman stops crying]\nCartman: [sniffles] Last time, when Butters stayed the night, I was being really nice to him and I was... gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have.\nLiane: Ohh, that's nice.\nCartman: But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped, and, fell down, and my mouth landed right on his penis, and, then I thought of something funny, so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up, and, and then Kyle took the picture from me, and he's gonna show it to everybody, and make them think I'm gaaaaaaay! [turns his face to the wall and cries again]\nLiane: Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen.\nCartman: [looks at her and sobs] But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to meee! [turns to her and cries into her chest]\nLiane: It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother.\nCartman: You, you will?\nScene Description: Butters and Bradley are in their room doing penance - writing Biblical verses at the table.\nButters: ...but that He loved us and sent His Only Son to be the satisfaction of our sins. Neato!\nBradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.\nButters: Awww, that's okay, Bradley.\nBradley: I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused.\nButters: Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writin' all these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more, and then we can go home!\nBradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [warm thoughts... Bradley panics and leaves his chair] Uh oh! Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought!\nButters: Wuh-what's the matter?\nBradley: I think, I, I th-, I think I like you.\nButters: Well I like you too, Bradley.\nBradley: You do?\nButters: Well yeah!\nBradley: You like like me?\nButters: Sure, I like like you a lot lot. [laughs]\nBradley: Oh God, we're both un-fixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?! We're just evil and nothing can change us! There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves! [runs to the door and opens it, then runs out and away]\nButters: [gives chase, but isn't fast enough] No! Bradley! You can't leave; you're my accountabilibuddy!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime. The Broflovskis are eating. The phone rings and Sheila gets up to answer it.\nSheila: Hello?\nLiane: Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother.\nSheila: Ohh, hello, Mrs. Cartman.\nLiane: Um, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth.\nSheila: [long pause] Excuse me?\nScene Description: 8:56 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman is back at his desk fretting about the following day.\nLiane: Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine.\nCartman: It is? [happily jumps off his chair and runs to her] Really? Oh Mommy thank you! Thank you! [hugs her]\nLiane: You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow. Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture.\nCartman: [his smile vanishes] What?\nLiane: She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it.\nCartman: Mom, she's lying!\nLiane: She said she was sure, Eric.\nCartman: Mom, you don't know anything about Jews! They lie all the time!\nLiane: Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it.\nCartman: [thinks a moment] Then that's it. Kyle wins. But he won't win completely! I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself! I can at least rob Kyle of his final laugh.\nScene Description: Camp office, night. Butters is in there talking to the director.\nDirector: Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose... your accountabilibuddy?!\nButters: I went looking for 'im, but he runs real fast.\nDirector: You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters. I've called your father in for a talk.\nButters: Oh no, my Dad?\nDirector: Do you understand the concept of Hell? Do you realize that if we don't fix you, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity?\nButters: Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixin'.\nDirector: We're fixing your confusion!\nStephen: There you are, Butters!\nDirector: Oheh- hey Dad.\nStephen: What's he done now?!\nDirector: Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change, and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy!\nA counselor: They found him! They found Bradley! You'd better come quick! [Butters runs out, followed by Stephen, then the counselor, then the director]\nScene Description: A bridge similar to the one in \"Fat Butt and Pancake Head\", day. Bradley is near the middle of the span, hanging on to the side but ready to jump off. A crowd has gathered at one end of the bridge. The director arrives, followed by Pastor Phillips, Butters, and Stephen\nDirector: Oh Lord in Heaven! Don't jump, Bradley!\nBradley: Stay-stay back! I'm an abomination of God!\nDirector: No no, we're fixing you!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman marches towards class with a slide projector. He turns left and enters the classroom\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman approaches Kyle\nCartman: Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle? To embarrass me in front of everyone? [Kyle turns around and Cartman is in his face. Cartman softly says] Well guess what? I'm not giving you the satisfaction!\nMrs. Garrison: Okay students, let's all take our seats. Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell. [writes the words on the board] Who'd like to go first? [Cartman holds down Kyle's arm while raising his own and grunts]\nKyle: Ow! Quit it, dude!\nMrs. Garrison: Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down. You can go first.\nCartman: HA! [gets up and goes to the board, pulls down the projector screen and clears his throat.] For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer. [clicks the projector on, and the class lights dim] This first picture I like to call \"Moods of Winter\" [a shot of snow-covered barren trees], a simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one... of death. This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work. A statement about... all of our loneliness, perhaps?\nKyle: [to Stan] He isn't actually going to show everyone...\nCartman: And now this next picture [clears his throat. Quick cut to]\nScene Description: The bridge near camp, day. Bradley is still hanging on.\nDirector: Don't jump, Bradley! You will only make god angrier with you!\nBradley: It's too late.\nButters: [approaches the bridge] Bradley, please. You're my accountabilibuddy. How will this make me look?\nDirector: You get back. You're only gonna make things worse.\nBradley: I'm not normal. I'll never be normal!\nButters: You're perfectly normal, Bradley.\nDirector: Get back! You're just as confused as he is!\nButters: [gets angry] All right. All right that does it! [turns around and faces the crowd] I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was! [Bradley listens] You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!\nBradley: Yeah.\nButters: I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself! [Bradley thinks about this]\nBradley: I think. I think I'd like to come down now.\nDirector: He's coming down! [everyone begins to chatter] We did it! [stops by Bradley as Bradley climbs back onto the bridge's road] Through the power of Christ we have saved this child!\nStephen: Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change.\nButters: No. I like bein' bi-curious.\nStephen: Well you know somethin'? So do I. [they both have a good laugh about it]\nButters: Wait. Now I am confused.\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman continues his presentation\nCartman: And this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant. Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture. Ahem. This picture you may find somewhat... controversial. [everyone gasps]\nBebe: Eww!\nClyde: [long pause] Dude.\nCartman: Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter. You can see the grain from the high-speed film - there's sort of a- penis in my mouth right here - and the low depth of field keeps the background soft.\nMrs. Garrison: Eric, what the hell is this?!\nCartman: What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there. It's wrong! And what I think that-\nMr. Mackey: [at the door] Uh, Eric Cartman? We got an emergency message from your mother? [reads the message] \"Do not show picture. Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk.\" She said you'd know what that means, m'kay? [walks away. Cartman stands there looking at the door, then at the class. Kyle has a look of pity for Cartman on his face and blinks]\nCartman: [longer pause] ...Lame."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The bell rings and the fourth graders take their seats. Mrs. Garrison enters with her books and sets them on her desk.\nMrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.\nCartman: Ah yes. You mean the Jew problem. [points to Kyle, but blocks Kyle's view of his left hand with his right.] Good, good! I'm glad we're finally gonna do something about it.\nMrs. Garrison: No, I mean the problem of head lice. [a shot of the class] There's been a lice breakout at a school in Denver, and we need to make sure nobody spreads it here.\nBebe: Somebody might have lice?\nClass: Ewww!\nMrs. Garrison: So today you're all going to the gymnasium to have your scalps examined.\nCartman: Uh th-that is completely unnecessary. Everyone knows that only poor people can get lice. The only person that can spread it here is Kenny.\nKenny: (What? Fuck you!)\nMrs. Garrison: I'm sure this class is clean, but we're gonna be examined so that if anyone has the lice, we can stop it before it spreads. [the camera zooms in on Clyde, then on his hair...] Lice can live in anybody's hair. [...until the hair resembles a forest, with tiny houses built upon the individual hairs and a colony of lice walking around on the scalp below.]\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. The camera follows one louse as he walks through this forest.\nMale Louse: [approaching a female louse with a growing louse egg resting in a nest built on a shaft] Hello, Kelly. How's my baby?\nKelly: [sassily] You mean me or the little one?\nMale Louse: I mean both.\nKelly: Well, besides a little loneliness waiting for Daddy to come home, I guess we're both okay.\nMale Louse: [holds onto one of the female's pincers] How did a louse like me get so lucky to have a louse like you?\nKelly: Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis. [a group of lice tug on a hair nearby and pull it down. Travis and Kelly look on. He lets go and walks towards the fallen hair] You okay?\nTravis: Sometimes... I just worry what kind of world our baby is gonna grow up in. [turns around] I need to run up to the forest and do another sediment analysis. I'm worried we might be overworking the tertiary layer. [turns away and walks off]\nScene Description: The gymnasium, later. The classes are lined up by grade level, with various screeners waiting at the heads of the lines.\nLead screener: All students, make sure you're in line according to your grade. When you reach the front of the line you will go behind the curtain and remove any hats to be checked. [The first students go behind the curtains. Craig takes off his hat and does the same]\nButters: Boy, I sure hope they don't find lice in my hair.\nStan: [looks to Kyle] What do you think happens if you do have it?\nCartman: [answering] They drag you out of here, put you in this big containment facility, where they stick a cold metal pipe up your ass with this clear jelly, and then they shock your balls. [Butters gasps]\nCraig: [leaves the curtain and puts on his hat] I'm clean! I knew I didn't have any stupid lice! [walks past the rest of the class]\nCartman: This is ridiculous. All this just so they can send Kenny and his stupid head lice home.\nKenny: (Hey! Fuck off!) [The screener waves Clyde forward and Clyde steps behind the curtain]\nLead screener: Have a seat on the stool. [Clyde goes to the stool]\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. The camera tracks Travis as he moves through the forest, but the scalp begins to shake and he stops. He turns around to see the hair part and a huge human eye pop up. The eye blinks, then he blinks, then the eye blinks again. Travis backs up a bit, then turns to run.\nScene Description: Behind the curtain. The screener has spotted the lice.\nLead screener: Uh oh, looks like you've got 'em.\nClyde: What?\nLead screener: You have lice. Let's see... Clyde Harris, is it?\nClyde: Oh my God. Oh Christ no!\nLead screener: [writes a note and gives it to him] Now now, it's all right. We're going to call your parents and get you to your doctor.\nClyde: Please, ya-you don't understand. The other kids are gonna make fun of me forever!\nLead screener: I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel.\nClyde: Yes they are!\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. A group of lice surround the stump left from the fallen hair, including some older lice.\nTravis: [approaching the group] Mr. President! Mr. President! I believe we have a serious problem! [the other lice look at him] The environment... is changing. I believe it is somehow, reacting to our presence on it.\nPresident: And what do you base this on?\nTravis: [walks up to a hair and draws a human head on it] Look, this is the world, right? But now, think of the world as... a living being. [the other lice look surprised] If it were somehow conscious, then it would ultimately become aware of our effect on it.\nOlder Louse: Huh right, the world is conscious. It makes perfect sense. [kneels and knocks on the scalp several times] Hello. Anybody? [the other lice begin to laugh.]\nTravis: If we have made too much of an impact, then that consciousness would try to snuff us out! I think we're looking at a global catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen!\nOlder Louse: Poodiggery and poppycock!\nTravis: I think we need to put all resources now into a full investigation, perhaps even begin a licewide evacuation.\nOlder Louse: Evacuation?! Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you know how much money we would lose? Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President can't be bothered any further.\nTravis: [as security escorts him away] Damn you Vice President Craig! You could be killin' us all!\nScene Description: A waiting room. Clyde and his mom sit with a man reading a magazine, and a girl with her mother. Clyde looks around\nClyde: This is so... embarrassing.\nGirl: I have an ear infection. What are you seeing the doctor for?\nClyde: I have... I have AIDS. [his mother looks at him, astonished]\nNurse: Clyde Harris? [Clyde goes in to see the doctor.]\nDoctor: [writing out a prescription] Yeeaahh, that's a pretty bad lice problem there. Good thing they pulled you out of school.\nClyde: [desperate] But why me, doctor? Why me?! How did I get this?!\nDoctor: [walks up to Clyde] Well, believe it or not, some lice can actually attach themselves to flies, and then wait for the fly to land on someone's head where they can reproduce. And then the lice that live in your head now were probably all born there.\nClyde: ...Sick!\nDoctor: This shampoo should take care of it. [hands him a bottle] Use this in the shower. Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards, but... it should kill... every last one of them.\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. The lice go about their business, climbing up and down the hairs. Travis takes a break on a hair stump.\nKelly: Travis? Everything okay?\nTravis: Kelly, I was just thinkin' about our baby. I want to name her... Hope.\nKelly: Hope?\nTravis: Hope for a... chance at tomorrow? [water begins to drop down from on high]\nLouse 1: It's raining? Now? [Other lice stop and notice. Turns out Clyde is taking a shower.]\nScene Description: Clyde's shower. He rinses himself off and then picks up the shampoo he was given: RID-X. KILLS INSTANTLY LICE & THEIR EGGS.\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. The rain continues and the lice get used to it.\nLouse 2: [starts dancing] Woohoo! I love the rain! [other lice join in the play. Travis doesn't have a good feeling about this]\nTravis: Oh my God. [runs to Kelly and their egg] We have to get out of here!\nKelly: What it, it's just rain.\nTravis: We have to get out of here now, Kelly! [grabs the egg and runs off with Kelly. Other lice continue dancing in the rain while still others watch. One or two look around and notice a green liquid spreading over the scalp.]\nLouse 3: What is that? [walks up to the leading edge, reaches down and grabs a gob of it. The liquid quickly eats through his pincer and he screams in pain. The leading edge of the liquid moves past him and leaves him trapped in the liquid, which eats at him some more]\nLice: Whoa! [the liquid finally finishes him off. The other lice see the leading edge of the liquid get closer to them, and they run] Ruuun! [some of them get overtaken by the liquid, which is now moving quickly over the scalp. The camera follows them until it finds Travis]\nTravis: Everyone get up into the trees! We have to get up high! Come on, Kelly! [the lice that can, climb up the hairs while the others get swept up by the RID-X and killed]\nKelly: My God, Travis, they're all dying!\nTravis: Don't look, Kelly! Don't look!\nLouse 4: What the hell is it?!\nLouse 5: Well it's okay, we're safe up here! [the hairs begin to sway back and forth as a strong wind begins to blow]\nTravis: I don't think so! [lice begin to be pushed off the hairs]\nLouse 4: [blown away] OoOhOOOoooh!\nScene Description: Clyde's bathroom. He's standing on a stool before the mirror blowing his hair dry.\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. The wind keeps blowing lice off hair. Travis hangs on tight to the hair and to Kelly.\nKelly: Travis!\nTravis: Kelly! Hang on!\nKelly: I can't... hang on!\nTravis: You have to! For the baby! [Kelly's grip loosens. She tightens it, but the wind rips her from the pincer she was holding on with]\nKelly: Nooooooooooo!\nTravis: Kellllllyyyyy! No! Noooo! [he's left alone on the hair with the egg, Hope]\nScene Description: Clyde's bathroom. He's done drying his hair and sets the hair dryer aside, steps off the stool, turns off the light, and leaves.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's class. She's just come in with her books.\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, kids, today we're going to review some Civil War history. Who can tell me what year the war started?\nCartman: Waiwaiwait, whoa whoa, so what happened?\nMrs. Garrison: With what?\nCraig: With the lice exam. Did they find anybody with lice? [Clyde looks apprehensive, and Mrs. Garrison notices]\nMrs. Garrison: Y-yes, some lice was discovered and the proper action has been taken.\nStan: Somebody in this class?\nMrs. Garrison: Uh, yes.\nClass: Ohhhhh.\nCartman: Well who was it? [points to Kenny] It was Kenny, right?\nMrs. Garrison: That doesn't matter, it's over.\nCartman: Doesn't matter?! If somebody had parasites in their hair, we need to know who! [points to Kenny again] It was Kenny, wasn't it?\nRed: I wanna know who it was, too.\nMrs. Garrison: It's being kept confidential! There's a policy in the schools not to single out a kid who has lice, because of the embarrassment it can cause, okay?!\nCartman: [pounds on his desk] That is bullcrap! You are denying our rights as children to totally rip on that kid and make him or her feel like an outcast!\nClass: Yeah!\nBebe: And we have a right to know which boy had lice in his hair so we don't ever go out with them!\nCraig: How do we know it was a boy? It could just have easily been one of you stupid girls!\nButters: Yeah! Dumb girls!\nMrs. Garrison: The case is closed! Whoever had the lice, they're dead now! We're moving on to Civil War history. [the camera zooms in on Clyde again] Ulysses S. Grant-\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp, the aftermath. Travis is asleep on the scalp, battered and bruised from the wind. He coughs himself awake and finds the egg with him, intact\nTravis: Hope. Hope, you're alive. [he stands up to his full height and surveys the destruction all around him] My God... [a decomposed louse stands up and collapses on him] Heh?!\nLouse 6: Help me... Help meeee... [it falls away and dies]\nLouse 7: Travis. [Travis looks to his right] Over here! Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get up in them trees, we'd all be dead.\nTravis: How many survivors?\nLouse 7: Just the six of us. And the Vice President.\nTravis: [notices and throws the Vice President up against a hair] You son of a bitch! You had a chance to stop this! So help me, if we live through this, I'm gonna see you rot in prison!\nLouse 8: What do we do now?\nTravis: [turns and faces the others] We aren't out of this yet! You two look for other survivors. You get whatever food you can and bring it back here. [the lice do as commanded]\nVice President: [the older louse] Who put you in charge?!\nTravis: [turns around] God did! When he killed my wife! [turns back and walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth graders leave the classroom.\nCartman: All right, the person who had head lice needs to speak up right now, so that we know to stay away from you! [Opposite Cartman are Jimmy, Tweek, Clyde, Anne, Bebe, Red. and two other kids. With Cartman are Craig, Token, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Kevin, Butters, and Wendy]\nCraig: Yeah, come on! We're gonna find out sooner or later.\nCartman: Okay, whoever you are, you are now not only a licehead, you're a liar! You're only making this worse on yourself!\nKyle: You know what? I'll bet it was you!\nCartman: Me?!\nKyle: This is exactly what you would do if they found lice in your hair! Try to lead the charge against somebody else to take the suspicion off of yourself!\nCartman: I don't think so, Kyle! But you know what?! This is exactly what you would do if you had had head lice! Try to get everyone to blame me!\nStan: You guys stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere!\nCartman: That's exactly what you would do if you had had head lice, Stan. [Stan is stunned]\nKyle: Yeah, try to have everyone make peace so it doesn't seem like a big deal.\nCartman: And this is exactly what Kenny would do: stand here and say nothing! [Kenny makes an angry face]\nButters: [sensing where this is going] Heh hey guys, what would I do?\nBebe: Let's just get a magnifying glass and look at everyone's heads.\nKyle: It's too late. The treatment would have killed it all.\nClyde: Well I guess we're never gonna know. There's no way to tell.\nCartman: There's a way! There's a way to find out who had sick-ass head cooties! And I'm gonna find it! [turns left and walks away. Clyde looks around]\nKyle: It was him. It had to have been him!\nStan: Yeah... Or you. [they check out each other]\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. More survivors are brought to the clearing\nLouse 9: Mark? Mark, you have to hang on.\nTravis: This isn't going to stop. The world is rejecting us! If we're gonna live, we have to get off this planet.\nLouse 8: How?\nTravis: First we have to get out of the forest, into the forbidden zone. It's the only way we might even see another planet!\nLouse 9: The forbidden zone... We'll be exposed. We'll die out there.\nTravis: We'll die here! Look, the world is getting rid of us! Don't you get it?!\nLouse 10: Getting rid of us? You-you mean like it knows what it's doing?\nTravis: Yes! Because maybe we rolled the dice too many times!\nLouse 9: I'm not leaving my husband.\nLouse 11: Yeah huh-I'll take my chances here.\nTravis: You can all stay here; I'm gonna try to save my baby. [turns around and walks away]\nLouse 12: [redhead, runs up to him] I'll go with you. There's nothing left for me here.\nVice President: I wanna go too.\nTravis: Not a chance.\nVice President: Look, I know I messed up, all right? But I think you're right. If we can get out of the forest, we might find another place to live.\nTravis: If we find anything, we'll try to send help for the rest of you. [to the redhead and the Vice President] Let's go. [the redhead moves] Come on if you're comin' Mister Vice President! [turns left and follows the redhead]\nVice President: [tarries] Yeah. Right behind you. [pulls out a gun and cocks it]\nScene Description: A storage room somewhere in school. Cartman is wearing a detective coat as other fourth grade boys enter the room\nCartman: All right, lock that door, Craig! [Craig goes to lock the door]\nKyle: What's this about, Cartman? [the boys are now seated on a bench against a wall]\nCartman: I've come up with a test that can determine if it was any of us who had the head lice. [whips out a little propane torch from his right pocket] We're gonna find out once and for all who had head cooties. [whips out a lighter from his left pocket, strikes the lighter on, and uses the lighter to light the torch. He puts the lighter away. Clyde is scared now.] Lice feed on a person's blood, and just like mosquitoes they leave small traces of their saliva in the host's bloodstream. That saliva, is monochromagnic. So if an infected person's blood is touched by... this hot metal coil, say... that person's blood will jump 10 meters into the air.\nJimmy: Ur ur re- ur really?\nKyle: That's retarded! You didn't come up with that experiment, Cartman, you saw it in that movie, The Thing!\nCartman: [figuring out how to respond] This is a scientific test, designed to-\nKyle: You saw it in The Thing and you're wasting everyone's time!\nCartman: I thought you might say that, Kyle. Because you don't want to take the test, do you?!\nKyle: Nobody's blood is going to jump up in the air!\nCartman: If it isn't going to work, then what are you afraid of? The only person who wouldn't want to take the test is somebody who was worried it might work and reveal that they were the ones with lice!\nCraig: Yeah. That's true.\nJimmy: I have no problem taking the test. I have nothing to hi-huhiii-hide\nToken: Yeah. Me neither.\nKyle: All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test.\nCartman: Everyone take a Petri dish and a syringe. We need at least 30 cc's of blood from each one of you.\nScene Description: The storage room, moments later. The boys have all given their 30 cc's in the labeled Petri dishes.\nCartman: All right, now everyone back over there! [the boys head back to the bench] We'll start with what I already know. [moves the heated coil tip over the blood sample. Only steam comes from it]\nButters: Well, guess that proves Eric wasn't the one with head lice.\nKyle: It doesn't prove anything!\nCartman: Yeah? Let's just see what your blood does, Kyle! [takes Kyle's Petri dish and ...the same thing happens] Huh, I guess you're clean. [tries another Petri dish]\nClyde: Ye-you guys, we'd better go. Recess is almost over.\nCartman: It's all right, it won't take much longer, just-AHH AHHGH! [sticks the tip into the Petri dish, causing the blood to heat up and jump out of the dish. He gets the blood all over himself, and for good measure, tosses the rest of the blood onto himself.]\nToken: What the hell?! [Clyde is scared shitless. Cartman turns the dish around to reveal the name: Kenny]\nCartman: Kenny!\nKyle: No way.\nCraig: You were right all along, Eric. It was Kenny.\nCartman: Of course I was right! I told you only poor people get lice! [silence for a second or two, then Kenny bolts for the door, pushing Craig aside, opening the door, and running down the hall]\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp. The survivors have made it to the hairline.\nLouse 12: We've done it. We've reached the forbidden zone. [a vast space of... nothing, like a desert] I've always heard stories about this place. Never thought it was real.\nTravis: It's real. Real as my love for my unborn baby.\nVice President: So what exactly is your plan, Travis?\nTravis: Our ancestors came here from another world. Maybe there's still other worlds out there with life forms like us. Maybe there's even a world where they've learned to live with the planet instead of just on it.\nLouse 12: Travis. Travis, you're, so wise, so strong. If we make it out of this, I'd like to... be with you.\nTravis: Sorry, babe, but my heart is forever stenciled in permanent ink with the name [closes his eyes] Kelly.\nLouse 12: She was a lucky woman to have you.\nTravis: Luck had nothin' to do with it. [a gunshot from behind kills the redhead, who wobbles forward, then back and to the ground. The Vice President keeps his gun trained on her corpse]\nVice President: [aims his gun at Travis] Sorry to cut the honeymoon short!\nTravis: Why you murdering bastard!\nVice President: Your little fantasy of another world ends here! Walk!\nTravis: What the hell do you want, Vice President?!\nVice President: Walk! [Travis turns and walks, and the Vice President follows him, keeping the gun trained on him.]\nScene Description: Clyde's house, day. The doorbell rings and Clyde goes to answer it. Cartman, Craig, and a few others - Token and Jimmy - are outside with socks and bars of soap.\nCraig: Clyde, dude, get down to the park. We caught Kenny, and we're all gonna let him have it! [points to the sock in his right hand]\nClyde: What? What are you gonna do to him?\nCartman: He lied to us all! He betrayed his kind! We all know what has to happen. [beat] Grab a sock and a bar of soap, and meet us at the park! [they turn and head off]\nClyde: [his eyes wander as he thinks] You guys, wait. [the guys turn around]\nCartman: What, Clyde?\nClyde: I... nothing.\nCartman: All right, see you there! [the guys turn around and leave] Remember, bar of soap and a sock! Kenny's gonna get it!\nToken, Craig: Yeah!\nJimmy: Yeah! We're gonna fu-fu-fuck him up! [Clyde sees them leave, then backs up, scared]\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, day. Mrs. Garrison seems to be preparing an omelet for herself, adding garlic salt and putting it aside. The phone rings and she picks up.\nMrs. Garrison: Yello?\nClyde: Mrs. Garrison, one of your students is about to be attacked at the park by all the other students.\nMrs. Garrison: What? Who's going to get attacked? Who is this?!\nClyde: Please just hurry to the park! You have to stop them!\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. The Vice President and Travis are still walking\nVice President: That's good! That's far enough! [Travis stops and turns]\nTravis: What are you going to do?\nVice President: I'm gonna go back to the village, start to rebuild, mate with the females, become... President!\nTravis: Don't you get it? The world doesn't want you here! It's not gonna stop until you're dead!\nVice President: It was a disaster! Disasters happen!\nTravis: Then go ahead and die there, I'm leavin' with my baby!\nVice President: Actually, you're never leaving here either, Travis! [shoots out the knees of Travis's hind legs]\nTravis: Damn you! Why?!\nVice President: Because when I'm President, I can't have pests like you constantly trying to preach that the world is alive! You're an idealistic fool! The world is not \"conscious,\" we are conscious! If the world was alive, it would feel this! [plugs six bullets into Clyde's scalp]\nScene Description: Clyde's neighborhood, day. He's walking towards the park.\nClyde: [feeling the little stings] Ow. [reaches back to the base of his skull]\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. The Vice President is about to finish Travis off\nVice President: You die he- [looks up. Two fingers reach down and grab him. He screams like he's never screamed before as Travis watches the fingers take him away.]\nScene Description: Clyde's neighborhood, day. Clyde glances at the louse and tosses it away. The Vice President screams to his death on the sidewalk below.\nScene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. Travis tries to stand up, but ends up flat on his back. He can no longer move, so he just cries.\nScene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys have gathered on the basketball court to let Kenny have it.\nCartman: Kenny McCormick, you are charged with bringing head cooties into our school, and lying about it to cover your ass! How do you plead?!\nKenny: [restrained by Kevin and Bradley] (Not guilty!)\nCartman: Guilty! I thought so! [the boys pull down his hood and coat, and his shirt]\nCraig: All right, let's do this!\nClyde: You guys, maybe we should just... wait a few more minutes?\nCartman: All right, Kenny. You know what has to happen! Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the boys gang up on Kenny and give him the sock bath]\nKenny: Nohoho! No, not the socks! Ahhhgh, stop!\nClyde: Wait, wait!\nKyle: Wait... stop it, stop it! [he walks away; the others stop and look at him] I can't let Kenny be sock-dried.\nCraig: He had cooties and he lied about it!\nKyle: [looks over his left shoulder] Kenny didn't have the head lice, all right?! [looks away] It was me.\nClyde: What?\nKyle: I was the one. I was too afraid to say anything, but I can't let Kenny be sock-bathed for it.\nStan: Why are you saying that, Kyle? You can't be the one who had head lice. [walks up to him] Because I was. You're just trying to make me feel bad because you figured that out, didn't you?!\nClyde: Wait a-wait a minute, what?\nCartman: Oh I get it. [walks up to Stan and Kyle] This is some kind of big trick on me! You've known I was the one with head lice all along, huh?!\nStan: You had head lice?\nCartman: Of course! Why do you think I went through that elaborate bullcrap experiment to frame Kenny?!\nMrs. Garrison: [offscreen] You all had head lice! [the boys look up and off to the left. Mrs. Garrison walks up to them on the court] Every single person in the class! The boys aaand the girls! Lice spreads fast, you dumb-asses!\nCraig: I thought I was the only one.\nButters: Me too.\nCartman: But that means... that means Kenny was lying! Sock bath! [the other boys join in the chant \"Sock bath!\" and gang up on Kenny once again]\nScene Description: Clyde's hair. With the redhead and the Vice President gone, Travis is left alone with his thoughts.\nTravis: Kelly. Kelly, can you hear mih? I don't know if you can. But... I wanted you to know I tried. I tried to save our baby. But I let you down, babe. [blinks. A light shines on him and a vision of Kelly descends. Travis holds his left hand up as a visor to make sure he's not hallucinating] Keh... k-Kelly? [Kelly's apparition disappears, replaced by a fly. Travis climbs on to one of the fly's legs, and the fly takes off. After a long while, the fly alights on a new host and Travis drops to the ground, asleep. Members of a darker, buffer species of louse watch from the shadows. They prop him up and carry him away]\nLouse 13: You are welcome here. [the colony here is well-developed, with entrances to dwellings going up several stories, making the hairs act as high-rise apartments. The residents there wave as he passes by] You're safe now. We've lived here for generation after generation, never being disturbed.\nTravis: Heh. We made it, Hope. We made it, Kelly! [at this point the camera pulls back, out of the hair, and out of the space between a pair of female legs. The camera pulls back enough to show an actress exiting her limousine.]\nScene Description: An actress with big lips is seen coming out of a limousine, with photographers ready to take pictures of her.\nAgent: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angelina Jolie! [photographers start snapping away with their cameras]\nAngelina Jolie: Hello, everyone! [scratches her groin through her dress] Hello!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The school bell rings and the kids rush in to sit down. Mrs. Garrison enters the classroom.\nMrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Everyone try to be nice because we have a new student joining us today, and I know you'll all make him feel welcome. Say hello to... Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem.\nCartman: Uh oh! [Kyle's seat is empty, and he fears the worst]\nMrs. Garrison: Welcome to our class, Baahir.\nBaahir: Thank you.\nCartman: Duhude, dude, [throws out his arms, palms out] not cool!\nMrs. Garrison: Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's empty desk for now?\nBaahir: Okay. [goes to Kyle's seat. Cartman begins crawling out of his, away from Baahir]\nCartman: Oooh hooohoho. Nooo, noohoohoo.\nMrs. Garrison: [stopping him. What follows is in hushed tones] Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?!\nCartman: What's wrong? [looks at Baahir, who's looking back at him, then looks back at Mrs. Garrison and takes her aside] Has he been checked for bombs?\nMrs. Garrison: Eric, that's enough! Not all Muslim people are terrorists!\nCartman: No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them.\nScene Description: The school playground, recess. There are several kids waiting at the slide, Butters takes his turn.\nButters: [slides down gleefully] Now you go, Baahir. [Baahir climbs the ladder steps and slides down. Butters cheers him on. Cartman shows up and looks at them. Baahir dusts himself off. Cartman turns and walks away, then places a call on his cell phone]\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom, day. Kyle is still in bed, his window curtains drawn shut. There's lots of little tissues on his bed and surrounding floor with two plates on the floor next to the bed. His cordless phone is on the covers. It rings, he picks up\nKyle: [sniffs - he has a stuffy nose] Yeah?\nCartman: [hushed] Kyle, are you on your computer?\nKyle: What? No, I'm sick. [sniffs]\nCartman: Get online. I need you to check something for me.\nKyle: Dude, leave me alone.\nCartman: Kyle, every one of our friends might be in serious danger!\nKyle: [sits right up] What? Why?\nCartman: Get online now!\nKyle: All right, all right. [leaves his bed and goes to his computer, sits down and starts clicking]\nCartman: Go to MySpace. [enters the school building] See if there's a MySpace page for a Baahir Hakeem.\nKyle: [types a search term at MySpace] Baahir Hakeem. [Baahir's page pops up] Born in Chicago, eight years old, his favorite color is green... Car, Cartman, what is this all about?\nCartman: [begins walking down the hallway] Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list. How many MySpace friends does he have?\nKyle: Over a hundred.\nCartman: [walks further along] Look further down the page. Does he list his favorite band?\nKyle: White Stripes\nCartman: [stops suddenly] That's funny.\nKyle: What?\nCartman: He told everyone in class today his favorite band was Blink 182.\nScene Description: A ticking clock: 11:59:57... 11:59:58... 11:59:59... 12:00:00... Darkness. The following text appears onscreen, then disappears after Cartman finishes speaking.\nCartman: [voiceover] The following takes place between Recess and Geography class.\nScene Description: South Park Police Station, day, Officer Barbrady's desk. A hovering camera looks at a ringing phone. Officer Barbrady answers.\nBarbrady: Hello?\nCartman: [entering the boys' restroom, still in hushed tones] Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary is in serious danger! [checks the toilet stalls on all fours]\nBarbrady: From what? Who is this?\nCartman: I've just ID'd a Muslim and his MySpace page does not check out. You've got to get these people out of here now!\nBarbrady: Are you serious?\nCartman: If I wasn't serious, would I be talking like this?\nBarbrady: Like what?\nCartman: Whispering, but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect.\nBarbrady: Oh jeez.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison moves on to History, but the school bell goes off as a fire drill.\nMrs. Garrison: What the hell?\nPrincipal Victoria: [over the PA system] All students are to evacuate the school immediately! [Baahir looks around]\nScene Description: The front of South Park Elementary, later. The kids pour out happily.\nButters: Hey, Baahir, uh since we get to go home, you wanna come over uh, play checkers?\nBaahir: Sure, okay. [12:02:32 pops up on screen and ticks the seconds away.]\nButters: Well all right! [they walk off together]\nKyle: Dude. [sniffs and calls Cartman. The LED readout vanishes]\nCartman: [exits the building through a side door and answers the call] Yeah. [walks among various trash cans and bins]\nKyle: Dude, I just got an IM from Stan that they evacuated the school.\nCartman: Yeah. Now do you believe me that somethin' is goin' on?!\nKyle: I guess so.\nCartman: Yeah well I don't like it! It doesn't follow!\nKyle: Wuh what doesn't follow?\nCartman: Why would a terrorist just blow up a school? It's not their M.O. Unless... Oh my God! Unless this was all just a big diversion. [starts running] Kyle, I need you to Google-search the South Park Chamber of Commerce!\nKyle: Okay.\nCartman: Their Web site should have a calendar of events: is there anything big going on in town today?!\nKyle: [looks up the info as Cartman talks] Yeah. Actually, there is.\nCartman: [stops] What?\nKyle: There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally. [Cartman stays silent] Cartman? ...Cartman? [Cartman has turned off his phone and runs out of school]\nScene Description: Central Intelligence Agency, day. An agent takes a call and-\nAgent: Sir! There's somebody calling in saying there's going to be a terrorist attack on the Hillary Clinton rally today.\nHead agent: What? [takes the call] This is CIA head, Alan Thompson.\nCartman: Mr. Thompson, you have to call off the Clinton rally! There's a terrorist in South Park!\nMr. Thompson: What do you know?\nCartman: He just showed up out of the blue! I need to speak with the President right away!\nMr. Thompson: I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me!\nCartman: I said I will only talk to the President!\nMr. Thompson: Look, if you have information of a threat, you could-\nCartman: LALALALALALALALA!\nMr. Thompson: I will have you arrested for-!\nCartman: LALALA-I can't hear you! Only the President! LALALALALALA!\nScene Description: The Oval Office, 12:04:27 South Park time. The LED readout ticks away, the ominous echo follows.\nAide: Call is coming through now, Mr. President.\nBush: Hello?\nCartman: President Bush, this is Eric Cartman! Are we on a secure line?\nBush: Huh? Who.\nCartman: Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan, but she is in great danger right now!\nBush: Hildog?\nScene Description: A motorcade in South Park, day. The American flag waving from a pole on the hood indicates Secret Service protection.\nAide: Yes, I understand. I'll let Ms. Clinton know.\nHillary: What is it, Brian?\nBrian: Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a possible terrorist attack on your rally today.\nHillary: Is the thread credible?\nBrian: We aren't sure, but... perhaps it's best we call it off. [behind him, the rally gets closer and closer]\nHillary: No. No, I will not be bullied by terrorist threats. Your men do a good job, Brian. I have faith that any thread will be taken care of accordingly.\nDriver: We've reached the rally site, Hildog.\nScene Description: The rally site, downtown South Park.\nAide 2: Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton, I'm sure everything will be fine.\nHillary: Thank you, Chris. [leaves with Brian and a third aide. The driver walks off in the opposite direction, and Chris whips out a cell phone. He walks forward and calls someone]\nChris: They know about the bomb!\nBlond Russian: That is impossible! We took every measure to assure the bomb was hidden from sight.\nChris: Well somebody tipped off the CIA. I don't know how much they know, but security has been heightened.\nBlond Russian: That bomb must travel with the Clinton rally to Boston!\nChris: The bomb won't make it to Boston now! With the heightened security, it's only a matter of time before they find it!\nBlonde Russian: Then we have no choice. We have to move up the attack.\nChris: I understand, comrade.\nBlonde Russian: Prepare yourself. We detonate the bomb... within the hour.\nScene Description: 12:17:56. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking... Kyle is still at home, Cartman roams the rally.\nCartman: Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site, but there's no sign of that kid!\nKyle: So then maybe you're wrong.\nCartman: Nope, I'm not wrong. He must be somehow attacking remotely from his house. Did you find the address?\nKyle: Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace page with realtor.com. His parents moved into that green house on Janice Street.\nCartman: Jesus, that's on the other side of town. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture with my camera phone and upload it to you. You ready?\nKyle: Yeah. [Cartman giggles and sticks the phone down his pants, in front of his genitals. He takes the picture and sends it to Kyle. Kyle receives it on his computer] What is that?\nCartman: It's my balls! [laughs as Kyle just looks at the image]\nKyle: God damn it Cartman!\nCartman: [his laugh dies down, then] Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here.\nMayor McDaniels: People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce a woman who deserves nothing but respect. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton! [the crowd cheers and holds up pro-Hillary signs: \"Hildog\", \"In Hildog We Trust\", \"Hildog, we love you!\", \"Hildog #1 fan\", \"South Park Wants Hildog!!\", \"Hildog '08\", \"We Love You\"]\nHillary: [affecting a Southern accent] It is so nice to be back in a small town like the one I came from. [more cheers for her]\nHildog Fan: Here we go! [his friends don dog-headed helmets and start barking.]\nBrian: Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat? [\"You know, when I start my life in office, quite a few changes have to be made!\"]\nOtis: We have the bomb-sniffing pig going through the crowd. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it. [the third aide has the pig on a leash, letting it roam as it will]\nHillary: This is why I campaign in small towns like these! Because it is in towns like South Park that you find the true America! [more cheers go up as aide and pig move around]\nAide 3: Oh my God, she got a scent! [the pig walks faster]\nBrian: What?!\nAide 3: The pig is picking up the smell of nuclear residue. Terrorists have hidden a bomb!\nBrian: [getting nervous] Oh my God! Where?! Where could they have stashed it?!\nAide 3: Come on, find it. Find! [the pig leads him up the steps to the stage]\nBrian: My God, they hid it under the stage?!\nFemale aide: No wait, look. [the pig approaches Hillary and really wants to get at that bomb]\nHillary: How much money do we have to waste on needless spendin' when we should be focusing all our attention on... uh... [the pig buries its snout in Hillary's ass] on the education of all- Woo haha, whoa there, girl. Haha, [puts some distance between herself and the pig, but the pig won't back off] uh, uh, on the education of all children. [the pig tries the groin this time] Oh, I declare!\nOtis: Oh my God. Do you think they could have hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...\nScene Description: CIA Headquarters. An agent comes up to Mr. Thompson with a report.\nAgent: Mr. Thompson, the kid who called in the warning was right! We uncovered intel that terrorists have obtained a nuclear device, and that they have most likely hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's... well, in her...\nMr. Thompson: In her what?\nAgent: In her snatch, sir.\nMr. Thompson: What?!\nScene Description: Back at the rally, later. Brian observes as two paramedics seat Hillary down on a gurney.\nHillary: What is goin' on? I wasn't finished.\nBrian: Security measure, Mrs. Clinton. Probably nothing. [receives a call and answers it] Yes.\nScene Description: A CIA helicopter on its way to South Park, day.\nMr. Thompson: Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson with the CIA. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton may have a nuclear device up her snatch.\nBrian: A what?!\nMr. Thompson: A snatch. It's the technical term for vagina.\nBrian: No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?!\nScene Description: A diagram of a bomb inside a woman's uterus. Zoom out to reveal CIA headquarters\nMr. Waters: Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke.\nScene Description: Back at the rally, later. Brian walks up to Hillary.\nHillary: What is goin' on, Brian?\nBrian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your snizz.\nHillary: [fans herself in a Southern fashion] Oh my.\nBrian: What do we do? Can we disable the timer?\nMr. Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has a detonator with him.\nBrian: But then that means...\nMr. Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. For-ever.\nScene Description: 12:28:38 and counting. Four images come up: Hillary on the gurney, Kyle at his computer, Butters and Baahir playing checkers in Butters' living room, and the CIA landing in South Park\nMr. Thompson: Do we have that phone trace?\nCIA vice head: [hands him the phone] The call is going through now, sir.\nCartman: [gets the call] Yeah? [walks through a parking lot]\nMr. Thompson: This is CIA head Alan Thompson. We spoke before about the- [he and his agents walk down the street. Two angles are shown of that, and a third image of Cartman walking through the lot]\nCartman: Yes, Mr. Thompson?\nMr. Thompson: Well, we've just arrived in your town.\nCartman: Why? Did you find something?\nMr. Thompson: Yes. There's a suitcase nuke in Ms. Clinton's snizz.\nCartman: [stops] A snuke?\nMr. Thompson: That's right. It's controlled by a remote detonator. We have to locate the terrorist before he sets it off.\nCartman: [walks again] I have the address of the house the terrorist moved into. I'm almost there now; where are you?\nMr. Thompson: We're on the town's main street, right by an ice cream shop.\nCartman: Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you. [the framing for the two scenes is removed to reveal the one image of Cartman standing next to the CIA agents. They look at each other]\nMr. Thompson: Oh, hey.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is still at his computer when Stan walks in.\nStan: Dude, we totally got let out of school.\nKyle: I know. Something big is going on. Take a look at this. I did a Google search for \"Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally\" right? And one of the links was to YouTube, where this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.\nStan: Russian?\nKyle: Yeah, this guy. [a YouTube profile page is shown] Vladimir Stolfsky. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally.\nStan: So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.\nKyle: No. I cross-referenced his YouTube profile with MySpace, and according to his blog, he's an old-school Communist. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally?\nStan: Do a WebCrawler search: maybe he has podcasts up somewhere.\nKyle: Oh that's a good idea. [does the search]\nScene Description: The Hakeem house, later. Police, SWAT, and CIA move in on the house and arrest Baahir's parents.\nMr. Hakeem: What is going on? What have we done?\nMr. Thompson: They claim they don't know anything about an attack.\nCartman: Big surprise!\nPolice officer: Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't find a snuke detonator anywhere.\nMr. Thompson: Mr. Hakeem, where is your son?\nMr. Hakeem: We thought he was at school. He's not at school?\nScene Description: A clinic nearby. Hillary is up on stirrups while some police and agents look at an X-ray of her abdomen and groin.\nBrian: You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.\nHillary: Do they know how long, Brian? How long before the snuke in my snizz goes off?\nBrian: They'll find the detonator, Hildog.\nAide 3: We can't wait for them to find the detonator. If we can get to the bomb, me-maybe we can deactivate it. Can't somebody go and take a look inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?\nEOD leader: [part of the bomb squad] I'm not sending any of my men in there.\nChris: Are you almost ready to set off the bomb?\nVladimir: Everything is set. We have the detonator up and running. [the detonator is shown with its LED readout: 12:34:10... 12:34:11... 12:34:12... 12:34:13... ]\nScene Description: An interrogation room. A CIA agent grills Mr. Hakeem, with a female agent as witness.\nAgent 2: Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is!\nMr. Hakeem: I tell you, I do not know.\nAgent 2: [sighs, then leaves the room with the female agent and enters the adjoining control room, where Mr. Thompson is waiting] This is getting us nowhere. If he knows anything, he's not saying.\nCartman: Let me have time with him.\nFemale agent: What are you going to do?\nCartman: We have to find that detonator! Let me have time with him! [removes his cap and goes in] You will tell me where your son is!\nMr. Hakeem: He should be at school! [Cartman walks off and brings back a stool, setting it against Mr. Hakeem's chair. He climbs up and stands on the stool, drops his pants, and starts farting.] Hey!\nCartman: [farts] Where is the detonator?!\nMr. Hakeem: Wuh-what detonator are you ta-\nCartman: [farts some more, and again, and again] I can do this aaall day.\nMr. Hakeem: [coughs] I don't know anything about a- [Cartman farts a short one, and then a long one that makes Mr. Hakeem turn away] Aawwwwgh [holds his breath, gasps for air and coughs] Stop it! Really!\nCartman: You can make it stop!\nMr. Hakeem: [almost weeps] I don't have the- [Cartman farts for a long time, and the female agent turns away from the one-way window]\nFemale agent: Are we just gonna let this go on? [Cartman continues farting]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, later.\nKyle: Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay.\nStan: You should be able to search his username on eBay and see what he's been buying and selling. [CIA agents enter the room quickly with their equipment]\nCIA vice head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area. [Stan steps down for a better look at the activity]\nKyle: Hey.\nCIA vice head: Donner, take over that station. [points to Kyle. Donner walks over and shoves Kyle off his chair]\nKyle: [stands up] What's going on?\nCIA vice head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security!\nKyle: ...Homeland Security?\nCIA vice head: Look, your little game of goin' over people's heads is over! You could still work, but from now on you answer to me, you got that?!\nFBI leader: 'Scuse me, who's in charge here?!\nCIA vice head: I am!\nFBI leader: [more people come in] Yeah well not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.\nCIA vice head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?!\nFBI leader: On order of the Secretary of Defense! You had your shot, now I'm in charge!\nATF leader: [more people come in] Not anymore you're not! Orders just came down from Central! They want ATF handling this on all fronts! All right people, from now on you're answering to me!\nSecret Service leader: [more people come in] Not anymore they're not! Orders from the President: he wants this handled by his staff personally! Now Nelson is in charge.\nNelson: [bursts into the scene] Not anymore I'm not! [everyone else falls silent]\nScene Description: The interrogation room, later. Cartman walks in with a metal suitcase containing syringes. He takes one out\nMr. Hakeem: What are you going to do to my wife?!\nCartman: Nothing... if you tell me where your son is!\nMrs. Hakeem: We told you: we don't know.\nCartman: [whips around and shows them the syringe] Do you know what this is?! [they look at each other, unsure] This... is apple juice. It gives super bad farts. [injects himself with the syringe into the right arm and hops up on the stool next to Mrs. Hakeem]\nFemale agent: Did he just inject himself with apple juice?\nCartman: Where is your son?!\nMr. Hakeem: She doesn't know either. [Cartman turns and drops his pants, and farts on Mrs. Hakeem's face]\nMrs. Hakeem: Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!\nMr. Hakeem: I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting! Where is your mother?! [a phone rings and the camera zooms in on Mrs. Hakeem's shirt pocket. Cartman turns and reaches into the pocket, pulling out the cell phone]\nCartman: Answer it! [holds the phone to Mrs. Hakeem's right ear]\nMrs. Hakeem: Hallo? Hallo Baahir. Where are you? Who it But-ters?\nCartman: Butters.\nMrs. Hakeem: Baahir, one of your classmates is keeping us hostage. [Cartman drops the phone and farts a good gust of flatulence against Mrs. Hakeem's face] Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [Cartman drops off the stool and enters the control room.]\nMr. Hakeem: Ogh! You filthy little rapscallion!\nCartman: We got him! I know where he is!\nFemale agent: All right, where? We'll send our people in.\nCartman: No no, he's my lead. [opens the suitcase]\nMr. Thompson: You're not going alone.\nCartman: You blow in there and you risk taking him down without finding the detonator! I'm going to find out where it is! [gives himself a double injection of apple juice]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, later. The Secret Service is running the show now.\nCIA leader 2: [white hair] All right, people, I'm in charge now and we will find the terrorists. Jarvis, I want you to check for any terrorist chatter on AOL. Marley and Greggs, try searching for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com.\nKyle: Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves! Just Google-search it!\nCIA leader 2: Are you tellin' me how to do my job?\nKyle: Yes. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir Stolfsky who's got search engine hits all over this thing.\nCIA leader 2: Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube and cross-reference it with JDate!\nChase: Checking.\nStan: Look, these Russian guys all have blogs talking about this like it's just some big diversion for something much bigger!\nFemale agent 2: [with a stack of papers] Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.\nCIA leader 2: Where's the intel from?\nFemale agent 2: We just read it on Drudge Report.\nKyle: Look, we already have the guy's blog. Maybe we can find an address and check it out on MapQuest.\nCIA leader 2: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!\nKyle: [he and Stan look at each other] ...Not anymore you're not.\nCIA leader 2: Oh, snap. [walks off dejected]\nScene Description: Butters' living room, day. He and Baahir are playing Checkers, and Butters looks like he's winning.\nButters: [makes his move] Whoopee! I captured another one of your pieces, Baahir. [outside, Cartman runs up to the window and crashes through it.]\nCartman: Uuugh! [lies motionless for a few seconds, then gets up]\nButters: Oh hey Eric.\nCartman: [walks up to Baahir and grabs him by the collar] Where is the detonator!\nBaahir: The what?\nCartman: You have exactly five seconds before I start dropping serious apple juice farts on your face! One!\nBaahir: Leave me alone! [heads for the front door and walks out. Cartman follows him] Upta!\nButters: [watches them leave] Hey, I was about to win!\nScene Description: The sidewalk. Cartman chases Baahir down the street.\nCartman: Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you! [A black van pulls up next to them and the side door slides open. Three real terrorists jump out and aim their semiautomatics at the two boys]\nTerrorist #1: [olive-colored] Get in the van! [Both boys are scared, but Cartman backs away]\nCartman: Uh, that's cool. I'm actually not... playing anymore.\nTerrorist #1: [they aim their guns at Cartman] Get in the van!\nScene Description: The clinic.\nAide 3: That's it! We don't have a choice anymore! Somebody is going to have to go in, and try to disarm the snuke manually!\nEOD leader: No, it's too dangerous! That snatch has not seen action in over 30 years! It could be toxic!\nBrian: [overhearing it] I'll do it! I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.\nScene Description: The terrorists' hideout, 12:40:27 and counting. Vladimir has Cartman and Baahir tied up in chairs\nCartman: Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy!\nVladimir: You called and warned the government of our plans! What you don't know is that we are simply mercenaries! We were paid to set up the snuke so that the real enemy of America could attack!\nCartman: That's cool. I'm fine with Muslims invading.\nVladimir: [aims the semiautomatic at him] Do you really think Muslims are behind this terrorist threat?!\nCartman: Uhh yes, of course?\nVladimir: America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know. Who is America's oldest enemy?\nCartman: The Russians?\nVladimir: Before that.\nCartman: The Germans?\nVladimir: Before that.\nCartman: The Germans again?\nVladimir: Before that! I am talking about the oldest threat to America! The greatest enemy America has ever known!\nCartman: You can't possible mean...?\nScene Description: The ocean blue. A fleet of British ships is sailing towards the United States, but these ships are from another era. The men are dressed in uniforms of the Revolutionary War era - as Red Coats\nCaptain: Two hundred years we've waited. Finally. We will get those traitors to the Crown! [gets a call and answers it on his cell phone] Yes, Your Majesty?\nQueen Elizabeth II: The Russians are ready to set off the diversion. Full sail.\nCaptain: Full sail, Your Majesty?\nScene Description: 12:43:57 and counting.\nScene Description: 12:47:18 and Hillary is back on stirrups (upper left picture). 12:47:19 and Kyle is back at his computer (upper right picture). 12:47:20 and Cartman is shown struggling in his seat (lower right picture). 12:47:21 and the British fleet is shown (lower left picture).\nScene Description: The clinic. The aide, doctor, and other officials are behind protective glass in a booth. Brian is dressed in a Hazmat suit and gas mask\nAide 3: All right, Brian, this is it. Get in there and see if you can disarm the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch.\nBrian: [diving in slowly, has radio communication with the booth] All right. I'm nearing her snizz now.\nEOD leader: God help him.\nAide 3: What do you see, Brian?\nBrian: It's dark... cold...\nAide 3: You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as you can... Y-you have to look inside the snizz.\nBrian: Uh, uh, all right, I'm looking. Yes, I see... I see the device! [begins to cough]\nAide 3: You're doin' great, Brian. Hang in there.\nBrian: There's um, metal housing... some kind of three-pronged triggering mechanism that... Wait there's... there's something else here! There's something... [static fills the transmission and the aide tries to restore communication]\nAide 3: Say again, Brian.\nBrian: [amid heavy static] There's something perched on the snuke's coil... Oh God, it's looking at me!\nEOD leader: [takes control] Brian, get out of there!\nBrian: Wha... what are you?! I have no qualm with you! Stay back! Stay back I- agh! Aaagh!\nEOD leader: Brian? Brian, what's happening?\nBrian: It's... eating my head! It's eating my head! [the camera zooms back to show his body gyrating helplessly, then being spit out by Mrs. Clinton's snizz]\nHillary: Hoh my!\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's at his computer as agents discuss things behind him.\nKyle: I got it! I got it! According to PayPal, the Russian guys are just hired mercenaries who had ads up on Craig's List and got paid through eBay so that Boston could be attacked by... the British.\nFemale agent 2: The British?\nAgent 4: Loyalist Red Coats!\nChase: Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account! It does list an address in South Park!\nKyle: All right! MapQuest the address!\nChase: I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic.\nKyle: Good thinking\nCIA leader 2: Sir, we have the terrorists' location. IM'ing you now.\nScene Description: The terrorists' hideout.\nVladimir: [warmly shakes a terrorist's hand] It was good knowing you, comrade.\nBaahir: Please. Think about what you are doing. The British are just using you; you're going to die.\nVladimir: Yes, but we will be rich.\nAgent: [outside] Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go go go! [the doors to the hideout fly open and CIA agents pour in, with the CIA Vice Head supervising the riad]\nMr. Thompson: [last to enter, gun drawn] The game is over! Get down on the ground!\nVladimir: How did they find us?\nMr. Thompson: We know about everything! Your diversion to help the Red Coats is over!\nVladimir: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late! In three minutes! [the camera quickly moves to the detonator: 12:56:57 and counting. Four seconds later the power is shut off] What the hell?!\nAgent: The power went out!\nMr. Thompson: Well so then what time is it? [the power returns and the detonator's timer is reset to a blinking 12:00:00]\nVladimir: Oh crap.\nMr. Thompson: Take 'em down! [the agents fire away. One after one, terrorists go down, dead. Vladimir climbs a wooden ladder to the hideout's roof]\nVladimir: No! I don't want to die without being paid! [an agent shoots him down, he hits the floor and blows up. CIA agents remove the ropes from Cartman and Baahir]\nMr. Thompson: [places a call] The detonator is secured, general. You are cleared to proceed.\nScene Description: The ocean blue. The British fleet continues towards the United State. American jets fly over them and prepare to fire\nCaptain: The Rebel Americans know of our attack?!\nSoldier: How?\nCaptain: Fire at will! [the soldiers quickly aim and fire. The bullets have no effect, as the jets simply unload their bombs on the ships and sink them.]\nScene Description: The Royal Palace, the Queen's throne room. She's seated at her throne and gets a call. She gets the phone from one of her servants\nQueen Elizabeth II: Yes?\nCaptain: Your Majesty, the attack has failed. We were... unable to end the American Revolution.\nQueen Elizabeth II: I see. [sets the phone down, takes a loaded gun to her mouth, and shoots her brains out. She falls forward and hits the ground, dead.]\nScene Description: South Park, at Long Road Shipping, the apparent hideout. Everyone stands in the street.\nMr. Thompson: [walking into view] Well, looks like we saved our country from British rule once again.\nKyle: Yeah. It just proves we need to learn not to profile one race of people. Because, actually, most of the world hates us.\nCartman: Well Baahir, I was thinking that maybe I owe you an apology.\nBaahir: Really?\nCartman: Yes, but then I realized that, technically, I don't. Because by being suspicious of you I saved your life and everyone else's. So really, you owe me an apology. But that's cool.\nKyle: ...You didn't save everyone, I did! You were just out harassing Muslims!\nCartman: But if I hadn't called you in the first place to check out the Muslim, you would have just stayed in bed sick all day, right?\nKyle: ...Maybe. [looks away]\nCartman: Maybe? If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been on your computer checking out the Clinton rally. That means my intolerance of Muslims saved America.\nKyle: ...That is so missing the point.\nCartman: Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no?!\nKyle: The-that's not the right way to look at it, I-\nCartman: Yes or no, Kyle?!\nKyle: No! ...Not... not like you're saying.\nCartman: But that's all I'm saying: today, bigotry and racism saved the day. Baahir, you get this, right? [Baahir's parents approach, looking around at all the activity in front of their house]\nMr. Hakeem: Baahir! Get away from that disgusting child! Get back home and start packing your things! We are leaving this whole intolerant country! [Mr. Hakeem nudges Baahir forward, and the family leaves]\nButters: Awwwww.\nCartman: Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh? [raises his own hand] That was all me. Simple thank you will suffice."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, night.\nRandy: [inside] ...In my Easter Bonnet, with all the frills upon it, I'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dining room table. The Marshes are decorating Easter eggs. Stan dips a hard-boiled egg into a glass of green dye. Marvin spins his slowly in a small lathe. Randy finishes one up and shows it off.\nRandy: Look at that one, huh? Half purple and half yellow with a chikadee sticker. I'm good. [sets it into the egg tray]\nStan: Uh, can I ask a question? Why do we do this?\nRandy: Wha... what do you mean, \"Why do we do this?\" It's Easter!\nStan: Right, so, why do we color eggs? [Shelly makes a cross face]\nRandy: Wulll, ssso that the Easter bunny can hide them.\nStan: Yeah, but why?\nRandy: Stanley, Easter celebrates the day that Jesus was resurrected after being crucified for our sins.\nStan: So we dip eggs in colored vinegar and a giant rabbit hides them?\nRandy: That's right.\nStan: You don't see the missteps in logic with that? [Randy is unfazed, while Shelly, Sharon, and Marvin look at Stan disapprovingly] Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the Cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information.\nRandy: Stanley, just dye your Goddamned eggs!\nStan: [leaves his seat] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get it!\nRandy: What is wrong with him?!\nSharon: Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter bunny isn't real. [continues dying her egg. Randy slams his palms down on the table angrily. Sharon is taken aback.]\nRandy: [rising] You know so little! [leaves]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. The Easter bunny has a big Easter display at the mall where he sits in a chair taking requests for Easter gifts. A line of kids is waiting. In that line are Stan, Clyde, Red, Kevin, Craig, Heidi, Millie, Bill, Token, Jimmy, and a few little brothers and sisters\nCartman: And I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and five Crash'n'Go RC cars, you got that?! Do you have that?!\nMall Bunny: Ahh, don't you think that's-\nCartman: Nono! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit! I am a human. So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fucking kill you!\nAide: Smile! [takes a picture and Cartman hops off]\nCartman: Bye, Easter bunny! [leaves]\nMall Bunny: [watches him leave] Oh my God. [Stan walks up and sits on the bunny's lap. The bunny notices]\nStan: All right, can you explain to me what's going on?\nMall Bunny: Huh?\nStan: What is the deal with the coloring the eggs and you hiding them and all that? What does that have to do with Jesus dying on the Cross? [no reply] It is symbolic? Are you trying to reference something that happened in Biblical times? [nudges him] Answer me!\nMall Bunny: Look, kid ahh, I'm j-, I'm just a guy in a costume.\nStan: I know that! But I figure you must have some knowledge of what Easter's about if you're playing the Easter Bunny at the mall!\nMall Bunny: Huhuh, Easter's just Easter. Just, just go with it, kid.\nStan: No, I'm not gonna just go with it! I'm gonna find out what's behind all this! [hops off and walks away]\nMall Bunny: I need a break. Can I have a break? [he gets it and walks up to some payphones nearby. He picks one up and dials a number] We have a problem. Somebody's onto us. Yeah, he's askin' a lot of questions. Only a matter of time before he finds out what Easter's really about. Yes, I understand what must be done. Call the others. [hangs up the phone]\nScene Description: Stan's neighborhood, day. Stan is walking home with determination. He walks by a bus stop where someone is reading a newspaper. The newspaper drops down a bit and the reader is another Easter bunny. Stan stops and looks over his shoulder and the newspaper rises to its former position again. Stan walks on, and the bunny rises a few seconds later to follow him. Stan notices and begins to run. A few seconds later he notices three more Easter bunnies facing him. With bunnies behind him and in front, he runs across the street to escape, but a car stops just before hitting him and two more bunnies step out of the car. He gets to the other side and continues running in the same direction as before, with the six bunnies chasing him. He makes it home and closes the front door behind him. The bunnies reach the door and start pounding on it\nScene Description: The Marsh house, inside. Stan runs upstairs.\nStan: Mom? Dad? [reaches the second floor] Anybody home?\nRandy: [voice only] Not now, Stanley, I'm on the toilet! [Stan runs to the restroom door and pounds on it]\nStan: Dad! You've gotta help me! [looks around]\nRandy: Hang on, I'm taking a crap.\nStan: Dad! There's Easter bunnies chasing me!\nRandy: What?\nStan: They chased me from the mall! I don't know what they want! [hears the front door breaking open] They're coming in! Dad, open the door! [the bathroom door opens and Randy looks out, wearing some bunny ears and a bunny snout with buck teeth.] Dad?\nRandy: We... need to talk, Stan. [the Easter bunnies run up the stairs] Ih, it's okay guys.\nGray Hare: Randy?\nRandy: Yeah. 'Cause it turns out the kid we're after is my son.\nPurple Hare: Ohhh.\nRandy: Tell the Grand Hare everything is okay. I'll take it from here.\nScene Description: Stan's room. Randy explains things.\nRandy: I wanted to keep this from you, Stan. I really wanted to wait until you were older but... you just had to keep asking questions!\nStan: Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?!\nRandy: We have to be careful when we think somebody's onto us. [turns to face him] We are all part of a secret society, Stan. A very ancient, very important society of men who follow the way of the Rabbit, and protect the secret of the Easter bunny. We are called... the Hare Club For Men.\nStan: [not impressed, but curious] Does Mom know about this?\nRandy: Duh, it's the Hare Club For Men. Chicks wouldn't understand.\nStan: I don't understand!\nRandy: I belong to a secret society that has been around for thousands of years! Our identities have to be protected!\nStan: Could, could you, take off, the ears, please?\nRandy: Stan, you don't seem to understand how serious this is! The secret of Easter that we protect is something that could rock the foundation of the entire world!\nStan: So what is the secret of Easter?\nRandy: I can't tell you. You have to be allowed into the Society first, but... but perhaps... it's time.\nScene Description: Randy's car, night. He and Stan drive along a secluded road. Stan has a bag over his head so he doesn't see where they're going.\nRandy: I always knew this day would come, when my son would be brought into the society. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father.\nStan: Grandpa's in it too?\nRandy: Of course. Marshes have been in the Hare Club For Men for generations. All the way back to the beginning.\nStan: Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head the entire time?\nRandy: You aren't a member yet. You can't know where our secret meetings take place. We're going to a distant location, an old building near a lake about 40 minutes away.\nStan: You mean the old Galveston Lodge? [Randy's taken aback at Stan's memory and so thinks about what to do next. After a while, he decides to remove the bag]\nRandy: Dammit.\nScene Description: Galveston Lodge, night. Hares from all around gather inside. T.H.C.F.M. The lodge is guarded by two large golden hares\nHare 1: Hey Bill.\nHare 2: Evenin' Marcus.\nHare 3: Heh heh hey, look at you!\nHare 4: Hey everybody.\nScene Description: Galveston Lodge, inside. Hares mingle and chat\nHare 5: Stan Marsh, welcome! You must be very excited.\nStan: Must I?\nMarvin: There he is! There's my grandson!\nStan: Hi Grandpa.\nMarvin: I'm proud of ya, Billy.\nStan: ...Stan.\nScene Description: Galveston Lodge, induction ceremony. Randy places a strip of white fur on Stan's shoulders. The purple Hare dips an egg in a glass lavender dye and rings the bell. The gray Hare steps up, dips his egg in yellow dye and rings the bell. This continues. Later on, a gavel is sounded and the Hares turn left with lit candles.\nPink Hare: Tonight, we determine if a new member is worthy of protecting the Secret. Bring out... the rabbit.\nHares: Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum. Hippitus hoppitus reus homine. In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum. [two Hares carry a white rabbit forward in a gilded cage] Hippitus hoppitus reus Domine. [they set the rabbit before the Pink Hare and everyone genuflects... except for Stan. Randy looks up and has him genuflect as well]\nPink Hare: All hail the cute rabbit, Snowball!\nHares: Hail Snowball. [all rise as the Pink Hare approaches Stan]\nPink Hare: Stan Marsh, are you ready to hear the secret of Easter?\nStan: Yeah.\nRandy: Are you sure, son? Once you hear the secret, you will be bound to The Hare Club For Men forever.\nStan: Yeah, I wanna know already.\nPink Hare: Very well. At the Last Supper, Jesus Christ met with his 12 Disciples. It was there that- [interrupted by breaking windows and ninjas pouring in]\nGray Hare: They found us! [the other Hares arm themselves]\nWhite Hare: [with rainbow vest] Protect Snowball! [a door is turned down, and a ninja, a monk, and a layman enter the lodge. Another door breaks down and another monk enters with three ninjas]\nBrown Hare: They're everywhere! [Hares and ninja battle each other, killing each other as Stan watches]\nRandy: [approaches Stan with Snowball] Come on, we've gotta go! [a ninja spots him and quickly fires an arrow into his left leg. He stumbles] Stan, take Snowball and get out of here!\nStan: Where am I supposed to go?\nRandy: Just get out of here! [Stan turns around and heads for the entrance. A ninja comes up behind him, but Randy grabs the ninjas leg and holds on, forcing the ninja to fall. The ninja tries to kick Randy off]\nLayman: Where is the rabbit?!\nScene Description: Galveston Lodge, outside. Stan runs into a small woods nearby, but he hears car doors, so he goes back to see what's going on. The ninjas and laymen are rounding up the wounded Hares.\nHare 6: Where are you taking us?\nHare 7: No! I'm not goin' anywhere! [the layman walks up and shoot him in the head, and he falls.]\nStan: Jesus Christ! [a monk has Randy restrained]\nLayman: Who did you give the rabbit to?! [slaps Randy, Randy spits back. The layman punches Randy in the stomach and has him rounded up with the others] Search the area! The boy could not have gotten far!\nStan: Oh no... [looks around, then runs off]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is at the dining room table doing fingerpaints of Stars of David for Passover. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. Stan is at the entrance gasping for air and carrying Snowball. He's a bit unkempt.\nStan: Help.\nKyle: What happened?\nStan: My Dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club For Men they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.\nKyle: ...I'm kind of finger painting right now.\nStan: [enters anyway] Dude, they took my Dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! [turns around and fires off a few questions] Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?\nKyle: Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea.\nScene Description: A dark place. Randy is laying on the floor, the arrow removed from his leg. He stirs, coughs, and sits up. He's in an old large jail cell with the surviving Hares\nRandy: Nelson. [crawls towards him] Nelson? Nelson, say something.\nNelson: [reclining against a cage wall] My legs. I... I think they're broken.\nRandy: Nelson, do you know where we are? Where did they take us?\nNelson: Don't know... we traveled for hours... kept blacking out... [coughs. Randy lets go and crawls back, but sees someone standing before him]\nRandy: You...\nScene Description: A mansion, night. Stan and Kyle arrive and knock on its front door. A butler answers the door\nKyle: Hi, we'd like to speak to a [reads the name from a slip of paper] Professor Teabag? [Stan is still carrying Snowball]\nButler: What is it in regard to? [the professor appears at the far end with a walking stick]\nKyle: The history of Easter.\nTeabag: [walks slowly towards the boys] Sorry boys, it's a little late for me to be giving lectures. [turns around and walks away]\nStan: Please? Do you know anything about the Hare Club For Men? [the professor stops and turns around]\nTeabag: The Keepers? [walks towards them] The Guardians of the Secret?\nStan: [the butler steps aside] My Dad is in it. This... rabbit is too somehow.\nTeabag: Come on in. [smiles]\nScene Description: Teabag's study. He leads the boys in and begins\nTeabag: The Hare Club For Men has been around for centuries. One of its most famous members was Leonardo da Vinci. [on a large widescreen TV is a picture of The Last Supper] Behold the Last Supper. The dinner Christ had with his disciples the night before he was crucified. What food do you see on the table?\nStan: Just bread...\nTeabag: Really? Look to Jesus's right. [zooms in and pans to the lower left, then zooms in on an oval shape] The food which is a little different color than the others.\nKyle: It kind of looks like... an egg.\nTeabag: Yes. The egg marks the secret. It lies directly in front of... [zooms out and a bright trace appears around the disciple behind the egg] Saint Peter.\nKyle: Who is Saint Peter?\nStan: He was the disciple that Jesus made into the first pope.\nTeabag: Eggsactly. But there's something the Church didn't tell you. In actuality, Peter wasn't a man at all. Saint Peter... was a rabbit. [the boys say nothing for a few seconds]\nKyle: [flatly] Peter Rabbit.\nTeabag: Of course, the Church wouldn't allow da Vinci to paint Peter as a rabbit, so he painted him as a man, but left clues. Look closely.\nKyle: I don't see it.\nTeabag: Look closelier. [zooms in]\nStan: He looks like a guy.\nTeabag: Look more closelier. [zooms in further, and a pair of rabbit ears appear on Peter's head] With laser technology we can look beneath the paint, the way da Vinci originally painted it. [Peter disappears from the picture and a white rabbit appears next to the egg which was in front of Peter] That... is Saint Peter. [Stan jumps a bit] The original Pope of Christianity.\nKyle: I don't believe it.\nTeabag: Proof is everywhere. Look at the Pope's hat. [a picture of Benedict XVI appears] It makes no sense, except that it was originally designed... [a picture of a rabbit slides in next to that of the pope, and Teabag moves the hat from the pope to the rabbit] for a rabbit.\nStan: [looks at the professor] But why would Jesus want a rabbit to run his church?\nTeabag: Because Jesus knew no one man could speak for everyone in a religion. Men can be intolerant; rabbits are pure. But the Catholic Church buried the truth, put a man in charge, and the Hare Club For Men has been decorating eggs ever since to keep the secret in da Vinci's painting alive.\nKyle: So... the Vatican took Stan's dad?\nScene Description: The Vatican, night. Thunder and lightning roll through the sky. At St. Peter's Basilica, the Pope approaches one of the doors with a monk behind him. The Hare Club for Men is waiting to meet him\nPope Benedict: You dare to mock God by telling people St. Peter was a rabbit?\nRandy: You monster! You have no right to wear that hat!\nPope Benedict: Trying to tell people that St. Peter was a rabbit is blasphemy! You must admit you are wrong or burn in hell!\nRandy: It's saying stupid things like that that made Jesus wanna put a rabbit in charge.\nLayman: I'm sorry I couldn't bring you the rabbit, Your Holiness, but they know where it is!\nPope Benedict: The rabbit you call Snowball is a threat to Christ's Church. Where is the rabbit?!\nRandy: I don't know! And even if I did know... well, I'd probably tell you because I don't wanna be here anymore.\nLayman: Take him to be tortured!\nPope Benedict: Tortured, huh, but Bill, all this... torturing and ninjas, it just doesn't seem very Christian.\nBill: [the layman] You asked for the help of the American Catholic League, let us do our job! Take him! [a cardinal and a ninja open the door, take Randy in, and escort him to his torture.]\nRandy: No! No, you bunny-hating bastards! Don't do this!\nScene Description: Teabag's mansion. Stan and Kyle are still looking at the Last Supper. Stan turns around.\nStan: I don't get it. Why would the pope be holding my Dad hostage for Snowball?\nTeabag: I believe Snowball must be a direct descendant of St. Peter himself, and therefor the true heir of the pope's throne. [the butler is shown polishing a steel vase as some ninjas make their way towards the study]\nButler: [notices some ninjas behind him] Mr. Teabag! Get out! [one of the ninjas runs his sword through the butler's head and out his face, killing him]\nStan: They found me!\nTeabag: Boys, get out of here! [takes them to a window and opens it] Head to the woods! I'll try to buy you some time. [Stan and Kyle climb down the ladder he's prepared for them]\nBill: [off screen] Check upstairs! [the professor picks up a box of... PEEPS] Upstairs clear! Try the office! [Teabag takes the peeps to a microwave oven nearby and opens the oven's door. He puts the peeps in and sets the timer to 15 seconds. Behind him, two ninjas break into the study]\nNinja 1: In here! [Teabag closes his eyes]\nNinja 2: What's that? [the peeps begin to expand quickly and fill up the oven. Four seconds left, three, two, one...]\nNinja 1: PEEEEPS! [the oven explodes, spewing peeps everywhere and killing Teabag. Stan and Kyle are running away when they turn to see the whole mansion being destroyed by peep marshmallow]\nKyle: So what now?\nStan: If the pope has my Dad... I have to give him what he wants.\nKyle: You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?\nStan: What choice do I have?! There's nobody left who can help us! [softly] Wait... unless... maybe there is. [hands Snowball to Kyle] Here, hold this. [walks some distance away from Kyle and prays] Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help. [waits for a long time, then peeks with his right eye, then with both, but there's no sign of Jesus. He opens his eyes wide, as normal, and looks up. Kyle looks down at Snowball]\nKyle: I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.\nScene Description: A news special comes on: World News, Easter Vigil coverage.\nAnnouncer: Live, from the Vatican, it's our Easter Vigil coverage.\nReporter: As Holy Saturday comes to an end, the Easter vigil at the Vatican begins. Thousand have turned out to hear the Pope and celebrate the Resurrection. [visitors whip out their cameras and take pictures] For this Easter vigil the Pope is also showing his divine grace by feeding the poor, with a massive rabbit stew. [two chefs stand atop ladders next to a huge cauldron, slicing up ingredients. Bill and a ninja bring in a bunny to toss into the cauldron]\nViolet Hare: NOOO! Noo! No, don't put m- [he's thrown in and is boiled to death] AAAAAAAAAAH!\nPope Benedict: Bill, this seems extreme.\nBill: The child who has the rabbit has to know that we are willing to kill the hostages if he doesn't hand it over.\nItalian Cardinal: Your Holiness, a child has arrived with a the rabbit!\nBill: Ya see? [the three leave to meet this boy]\nScene Description: St. Peter's Basilica. Stan and Kyle walk towards the alter with Snowball. Randy greets them as he's headed towards his torture\nRandy: Oh thank God! Hand it over, Stan! They're gonna kill me! Give them the rabbit!\nPope Benedict: Yes, hand it over!\nStan: First, you have to promise you won't hurt it! And that you'll let everybody go!\nPope Benedict: We promise.\nBill: We swear it, on the cross.\nRandy: Just hand over the bunny, Stan!\nStan: Okay, fine. [a cardinal takes Snowball from Stan, and Randy is released]\nRandy: [reaching his son] Stanley, why did you do that? I would have proudly died for that rabbit.\nStan: You said \"hand over the bunny.\"\nRandy: No! That is not the way we're remembering it!\nBill: Take them into custody! [ninjas come in and put cuffs on Randy and the boys]\nStan: Hey, what the hell!\nPope Benedict: Bill, we have zeh rabbit, it's all we need.\nBill: Don't be soft, Your Holiness! These \"whores\" must be punished in front of everyone!\nKyle: You swore on the cross, fatso!\nBill: Yeah. Too bad for you... it was a double cross! [cackles]\nRandy: Oh, we should've seen that coming!\nPope Benedict: Bill, I'm not sure that double-crossing people is very Christian.\nBill: It is what Christ would've wanted!\nJesus: [off-screen] Who are you to say that?! [the clerics look surprised. Jesus approaches them from the entrance of the basilica]\nPope Benedict: It... can't be.\nStan, Kyle: Jesus! [as Jesus walks, clergymen genuflect and bow to him]\nSinger: He is risen. He is risen. Let the voices sing his praises on this holy day. He is risen!\nCardinal: Jesus, we thought you died. In Iraq.\nJesus: I have the power of resurrection. Or have you forgotten? You all seem to have forgotten a lot of things.\nStan: Jesus, you did answer my prayer! [grins]\nJesus: Actually, I was answering the prayer of Nick Donovan.\nPurple Hare 2: Ohh, that's me Neato!\nJesus: This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge of the Church, Benedictus! Because men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit. And a rabbit should be Pope.\nBill: Kill him!\nPope Benedict: What?!\nBill: He goes against the Church. He must die!\nPope Benedict: All right, that does it, Bill. I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus is not very Christian.\nBill: You are soft! Weak! You leave me no choice: take them! [two ninjas apprehend Jesus]\nJesus: What are you doing?! [two others arrest Benedict]\nPope Benedict: I am the Pope!\nBill: You are no longer able to fulfill your duties to the Lord! [removes the papal tiara and places it on his own head] The Easter vigil will go on as planned! [walks to a clear spot with Snowball, so all could see.] Every Hare Club member, young and old, will watch as their precious savior dies!\nJesus: What is your problem, guy?!\nBill: Lock up those two Jews! [referring to Kyle and Jesus] We'll deal with them later.\nStan: No! No! [Stan and Randy are taken away in one direction, Kyle and Jesus in another, Benedict in still another]\nScene Description: Easter Vigil coverage continues.\nReporter: A strange turn of events here at the Vatican: Pope Benedictus has stepped down, ushering the new era of... Pope Bill Donohue\nScene Description: The platform outside St. Peter's, moments later. Bill presides over the rabbit stew.\nBill: My people! This Easter I'm gonna start by making our rabbit stew ten times meatier! [the crowds cheer loudly]\nRandy: No! Listen! We aren't rabbits! [a ninja punches him in the stomach] Oof.\nScene Description: A dungeon cell. Jesus and Kyle are in it. Jesus has a file in his right hand and is furiously sawing away at a chain by the cell's entrance. Across the hall from him is Benedict XVI in his own cell.\nPope Benedict: Forgive me, Jesus.\nJesus: We'll never get out in time to stop him!\nKyle: Don't you have any superpowers?\nJesus: [throws the file away] Not as a mortal. Only in death. Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.\nKyle: What?\nJesus: Stab me with this. [brings out a small dagger] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.\nKyle: N-no way! Do it yourself.\nJesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!\nKyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hang ups about killing Jesus.\nJesus: Just make it quick. [kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle] Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.\nKyle: [looks at the dagger in dismay] Don't make me do this.\nJesus: My son, there is no time! Do it!\nKyle: Eric Cartman can never know about this.\nJesus: I understand. And Kyle, happy Easter.\nKyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in the neck, as ordered]\nJesus: Awgh! [walks around for a few seconds, groaning and shedding blood here and there. He falls forward and his halo rolls away with a metallic \"clink\"]\nKyle: ...Jesus?\nScene Description: Back at the platform, Bill continues his speech.\nBill: Behold, no longer will Easter be about bunnies and colored eggs! Kill the rabbit! [a cardinal holds Snowball over the cauldron]\nCardinal: Sorry, little bunny.\nStan: Snowball! [now dressed in rabbits ears and snout like Randy. A bright light appears near one of the obelisks in the center of the piazza, and Jesus' figure appears in the light. The light fades and Jesus is all alone. The crowd oohs and aahs]\nTourist: Jesus?\nJesus: Stop! That rabbit is of holy descent!\nBill: Why won't you go away?!\nJesus: One man cannot be the voice of the Church!\nBill: Enough of this blasphemy! I'm the Pope now! That means I am the voice of God!\nJesus: Not anymore. I'm removing you from your position. [brings out a black and yellow glaive, then presses a button in the middle to release the blades, as in a switchblade. He throws it towards Bill, who runs from it. It levels off and slices through Bill's midsection and returns to Jesus. Jesus strikes a pose and catches it with his right hand. The blades disappear into their sheaths. Jesus brings out some sunglasses with his left hand and puts them on, still maintaining the dramatic pose.]\nCrowd: YAAAY!\nStan: All right Jesus!\nScene Description: St. Peter's Basilica, day. The sun is bright and the sky is blue, the basilica is decked out with streamers and Easter wreaths. White smoke rises above and behind the basilica, indicating a new pope\nCrowd: Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum. Hippitus hoppitus reus homine.\nCardinal: Your Holiness, what should we tell the world about how to run their lives? [Snowball now sits on the papal throne. Snowball, having no human vocal cords, says nothing] It isn't saying anything.\nItalian Cardinal: Yes, just as a-Jesus intended it.\nRandy: Stanley, I'm so proud of you. You've learned so very much this Easter.\nStan: Yeah. I've learned not to ask questions. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut.\nRandy: That's my boy.\nCrowd: [in the background] In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum. Hippitus hoppitus Deus Domine."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Friday during the day, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids enter the classroom\nMrs. Garrison: [enters and drops her books on her desk in anger] Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up! God damn it! [some papers flutter off the top of the stack. She turns and erases some addition problems she had up on the blackboard earlier] Stupid ass man! They're all the same! [Stan crosses his arms and buries his head in them. He's the only student to do so]\nKyle: Oh God, here we go again.\nMrs. Garrison: All men care about is sex! I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date! And when the bastard checks out my body, he just says, \"Hey, did you used to be a guy or somethin'?\" I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!\nStan: Uh oh, this isn't good.\nMrs. Garrison: [gets into Stan's face] Did I say something to you, sugartits?!\nStan: [frightened] No ma'am.\nMrs. Garrison: [heads back to the blackboard] You boys make me sick! You're well on your way to being men, who only think with their penises! I am assigning all of you weekend homework! You are going to read Hemmingway's book, \"The Old Man and the Sea\"!\nCartman: Have you lost your mind?\nStan: Dude, we can't read an entire book in one weekend.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh, that's too bad, dude. Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants once in a while you'd get more done!\nButters: But Teacher, my penis never slips out of my pants. Eh-except sometimes when I'm wearin' pajamas.\nMrs. Garrison: If you do not have an essay written on Monday, then you will fail! Is that clear?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, outside. The students exit and head home.\nStan: Dude, how are we supposed to read an entire book over the weekend and write an essay?\nKyle: Our whole weekend is shot.\nKenny: (What the hell are we going to do?!)\nCartman: You guys, you guys, relax. We don't have to read the book or write the essay.\nStan: We don't?\nCartman: No. There's people you can hire to do these kinds of things.\nScene Description: Moovit Truck Rental, in the industrial section of South Park, Friday afternoon. A group of Mexican day laborers stand around waiting for work. Cartman and friends approach them. And Cartman whistles\nCartman: ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? ¿Sí? ¿Trabajo?\nLaborer 1: [wearing baseball cap with flag] Yeis.\nLaborer 2: [wearing cap backwards] We looking work, sí.\nCartman: [holds his arms out in open embrace] Okay, listen up, Mexicans. We need you to read [whips out the book from his back pocket] \"The Old Man and the Sea\" for us. Comprende? \"E Old Mand Y La Mer\".\nLaborer 2: Okay.\nLaborer 1: Sure.\nLaborer 3: [wearing NY baseball cap] Okay.\nLaborer 4: [wearing gray baseball cap] Yeah.\nCartman: Here. We need you to work together, read the book and write four essays, comprende? La samaraisia.\nLaborer 2: Okay no problem. That's no problem.\nLaborer 1: Yeah, we can do that.\nLaborer 5: Sí, la samaraisia.\nCartman: Okay, gracias.\nStan and Kyle: Gracias.\nStan: Dude, that is awesome. I had no idea you could do that.\nCartman: Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans around totally kicks fuckin' ass.\nScene Description: Curves, a fitness and weight loss center, day. Mrs. Garrison is running hard on a treadmill, taking out her frustrations.\nMrs. Garrison: They can all rot in hell! Who needs men anyway?! They're God damned arrogant self-centered assholes is what they are! [a woman walks up and gets on the treadmill to her right]\nWoman: Are you okay, hon?\nMrs. Garrison: I just hate men is all. It's like all they care about is how hot you look!\nWoman: Yeah, I've never been into men. That's why I work out here. Since it's women only we don't get oogled at or feel self-conscious.\nMrs. Garrison: Tell me about it! I can't even stretch at a normal gym without some guy trying to stare down my vage.\nWoman: I'm Allyson.\nMrs. Garrison: Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison. Sorry I'm so pissed off.\nAllyson: No, I like it. You seem like a very strong woman.\nJanet: Yeah, I've been told that.\nAllyson: How come I've never seen you down at the girl bar?\nJanet: Girl bar? I never even knew there was such a place.\nAllyson: Oh you'd love it. It's the only bar in town where women like us can hang out and be ourselves. It's called \"Lebow\".\nScene Description: Les Bos, night, 13280. \"Lebow\" is the French pronunciation of Les Bos. Allyson and Janet approach the front door. Allyson leads Janet in.\nAllyson: Hi Linda, hi Kate.\nWoman 2: Hey Allyson.\nWoman 3: Who's the new girl?\nWoman 2: Allyson always goes for the butch ones.\nAllyson: [approaches the bar with Janet] Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy?\nJanet: Oowhat a great place. All the girls here seem to know each other.\nAllyson: Yeah. Well, most of the girls here have done each other. [gets a glass and a beer and pours the beer into the glass.]\nJanet: He-yeah. Done what?\nAllyson: You know. [smiles] Had sex. [passes the beer to Janet and orders a second beer for herself.]\nJanet: [looks around] Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar?\nAllyson: Yeah. I... thought you understood that.\nJanet: Oh jeez. [fans herself]\nAllyson: I'm sorry. I thought you knew what \"girl bar\" meant.\nJanet: But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa. [moves away]\nScene Description: Les Bos, bathroom. Janet is washing her face.\nAllyson: Janet, I'm really sorry. It's just that at the gym you said you didn't like being with men, so I thought you were a-\nJanet: I don't like being with men! They're perverted selfish pigs!\nAllyson: Have you... never even... thought... of being... with another woman?\nJanet: Oho goodness no! Of course I haven't. I mean... really I don't even understand how two women can make love. I mean un, unless they just kinda [demonstrates with her fingers] scissor or something.\nAllyson: There are a lot of ways to make love, Janet.\nJanet: I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little ...titillated.\nAllyson: Could I... maybe kiss you? [gets close, but Janet turns and walks away]\nJanet: Oh, this is wrong! You're another woman; it doesn't make sense!\nAllyson: Is it wrong, Janet? Let your inhibitions go. Let's just have fun tonight. [they hold hands] No commitments. [Allyson lets go] Just fun. [she grabs her hand and they close in for the kiss]\nScene Description: Janet's bedroom, later. Janet and Allyson are going at it in bed.\nJanet: Oh yeah, scissor! Yeah, scissor me Allyson!\nAllyson: Janet, you're crazy!\nJanet: Oh, this is hot scissoring! Ohh! Scissor me timbers!\nScene Description: South Park, Monday, just before dawn. The boys walk over to Moovit Trucking to meet up with the laborers and get their finished essays.\nKyle: They'd better be done with the book reports! School starts in 15 minutes!\nCartman: They'll be done. [whistles to get the laborers' attention.] ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? [the laborers approach] All right, did you read the book?\nLaborers: Sí, sí.\nKyle: What was it about? Ih-in case our teacher asks us.\nLaborer 1: Eet starts there the old man, and his job is to catch the feesh, so he get in the boht, to try and catch feesh.\nLaborer 2: Saw he catch the feesh, but the feesh is very strong, so the old man, cannot reel in the feesh.\nLaborer 5: So then he fight the feesh. Some more. And he finally catch the feesh.\nKyle: He catches the feesh so, then he can make money.\nLaborer 1: No, because on the way home, the sharks come and eat the feesh. And so, he no make money. [all five laborers take off their hats and put them against their chests in mourning]\nStan: That's it, that's the whole story?\nLaborer 1: Sí.\nCartman: All right, did you write the four essays?\nLaborer 1: Sí, we all wrote essays for you. [the laborers put their caps back on]\nThe Boys: [all thumbs up] All right!\nCartman: Okay, let's have 'em.\nLaborer 4: Have what?\nKyle: You said you all wrote essays.\nLaborer 1: Well, my ese lives in Miami. I wrote to him like you said, but I don't think he got the letter yet.\nLaborer 2: I wrote my ese in Albuquerque.\nLaborer 5: I wrote three eses: my ese back home, my ese in Denver, and my ese in Glenwood even wrote me back. \"Thanks for writing me, ese.\" [the boys are stunned]\nKenny: (Uh oh...)\nKyle: Dude, we're totally fucked now!\nCartman: Why the hell would we pay you to write your friends?!\nLaborer 1: We thought it was kind of strange.\nKyle: This is your fault, Cartman! Now we're gonna fail!\nStan: You guys, school starts in ten minutes!\nKyle: Son of a bitch! [the boys turn and head for school]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Monday morning, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids enter the classroom\nStan: [sees Clyde] Clyde? Clyde! Heyhey Clyde! [Clyde turns around] You didn't finish your essay either, right?\nClyde: No, I got it done. [turns and walks to his desk. Jimmy walks up beside the boys]\nKyle: Jimmy, did you finish your book report?\nJimmy: Yeah. I feel pretty good about it. I finished my whole book report and, I got a really nice letter from my ese who works down at the U-Haul. [walks off, leaving the boys dumbfounded]\nCartman: Crap! [the boys head for their seats]\nKyle: We're dead.\nMrs. Garrison: [dances into the room and sings] Hello, class. Here's my little desk [strokes it gently], my nice lil chalkboard. [hugs it. The boys are surprised at her behavior]\nCartman: Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports.\nMrs. Garrison: [acting bashful] Oho, that's okay Eric. If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so.\nKyle: [looks at Cartman, then at Stan. Stan looks back at both of them] Really?\nMrs. Garrison: Kids, I need to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay. [silence follows]\nStan: Again?\nMrs. Garrison: [sits on the edge of her desk, right leg over left] It was a shock to me too. I... met another woman and... we went to this fabulous bar called \"Les Bos\" where I finally felt at home. Allyson and I talked, and really opened up to each other and... then we... [demonstrates] scissored all night long.\nButters: You have to be careful with scissors.\nMrs. Garrison: But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allyson. I'm a late-in-life lesbian. So I need to play the field for a while, right? [closes her eyes] Oh I'm so happy.\nCartman: That's great! Let's hear it for Teacher being a lesbian!\nClass: Yay!\nMrs. Garrison: [blushing and hides behind her hands] Teeheeheehee.\nScene Description: Les Bos, night. Janet goes to the bar alone.\nJanet: [now confident] Hey Tracy, hey Kate.\nTracy: Hi Janet.\nJanet: Lookin' hot, Linda. Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on? [moves away]\nLinda: [Woman 2] Huh?\nJanet: Hey Patty.\nPatty: What's up, Janet.\nJanet: [lights a cigarette] Ooo, stop giving me that look. Scissoring me with your eyes.\nBig Woman: Hey Janet, why don't you pick up on your own girl? [Janet flicks the cigarette away and leaves her seat, comes up behind the big woman and pulls her down on her stool to the ground and starts punching her.]\nJanet: Oh yeah, dyke fight! [they roll around on the floor and the big woman gets away. The other women gather to watch. the big woman lands a kick to Janet's groin] You kicked me right in the pussy! [the fight resumes and they tumble into a booth, fighting all the way to the floor again. The big woman fights Janet off, but Janet gets turned on and starts having sex...] Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring. Oh yeah, scissor! [the big woman, distracted for a moment, goes back to attacking Janet.]\nLesbian 4: You guys. You guys, stop it. Listen to me, everybody. I got some bad news.\nLesbian 5: What is it, Katie?\nKatie: They're closing down the bar. For good!\nLinda: Closing it down? They can't do that.\nLesbian 6: [blonde] This is our home.\nJanet: Yeah, this is our home.\nKatie: Well it's true, I just talked to the owners. They've sold the bar to Persians.\nJanet: Persians?!\nTracy: So where are we supposed to go?\nJanet: We aren't going anywhere! We have a history here! Persians are closing this bar over my dead lesbian body!\nScene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office, day. Janet and the other lesbians are in the office.\nJanet: Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!\nMayor McDaniels: You're a lesbian now?\nJanet: That's right. A proud lesbian! And our home is being taken away!\nMayor McDaniels: The bar has been sold to Persian club owners. I don't know what you want me to do about it.\nJanet: Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor. Lesbian bars being bought out, shut down, it isn't right!\nLesbians: Yeah, that's right!\nMayor McDaniels: I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. The new owners plan to start redecorating the bar tomorrow. You have to be out by then.\nJanet: [approaches the desk] Have you seen how Persians decorate? They will cover that bar in cheesy blue carpeting, white statues and gold curtain rods to the point that you will want to puke!\nMayor McDaniels: Mrs. Garrison, get out of here.\nScene Description: Les Bos, later. The lesbians gather there for one last time.\nTracy: Well, here's to some great times at this place.\nLesbian 7: Yeah. Guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to hang out.\nJanet: Now, come on gals! I can't believe what I'm hearing! We can't just give up!\nAllyson: Well, what are we supposed to do, Janet?\nJanet: We stand and fight! When the Persians come we tell them \"We aren't leaving Les Bos.\"\nKatie: Actually, it's \"Lebow\".\nJanet: [faces Katie with a ready fist to be pumped] No, it's Les Bos! [addressing all the lesbians] We... are Lesbos! And as Lesbos, we cannot just stand and watch as one girl bar after another gets shut dowwwwwn!\nLinda: [coming into view] The Persians have sent somebody to talk to us.\nEmir: Hello, my name is Emir Hadi. My boss sent me over here because he heard that you were upset about us trying to take over the bar.\nLesbian 6: Yes, we are.\nEmir: Well, we want to assure you that when this place becomes another Club Persh, you will all still be 100% welcome. All they want is to make the place really nice. We're going to put down some lovely blue carpet, and gold curtain rods.\nJanet: I knew it! I knew it!\nEmir: But you are still welcome to come. My boss wants you to know that you will not be discriminated against in any way.\nJanet: Would you allow straight people in? Men?\nEmir: Well... we would allow whoev-\nJanet: Choose your next words wisely, Persian! [jabs a finger into Emir's chest. Emir backs away]\nEmir: Look uhh, we don't have to offer you anything, so... I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy.\nJanet: No, this isn't crazy. This... is... Les Bos! [kicks him in the groin and walks away]\nEmir: Ohhhhh!\nPersian: How dare you! [Janet is shown in slow motion, her hips swaying back and forth]\nNarrator: And so it had begun. By kicking the Persian messenger in the balls, the lesbos had sent a message. [Emir throws up on the floor]. All over the country lesbians heard of the brave standoff.\nAnchor: As a group of lesbians in Colorado are refusing to allow the new owners of their bar in.\nLesbian 8: Good for them!\nLesbian 9: You go girls! [she takes a chip and bites into it. The bite is shown in slow motion.]\nNarrator: The Persians returned to their office and told their coworkers how the thirty lesbos were refusing to let them in.\nTumon: Well fine. If they're going to block the entrance, we'll just bring like, sixty of us! I'll call more Persians for help. [turns left and picks up a phone in slow mo, then a fast-forward to dialing the numbers. The dialing is shown in slow motion. Next shot is Les Bos under a sepia sky]\nNarrator: The hours pass quickly, and the lesbians boldly stood out in front of their bar to stop the Persians from entering.\nLesbian 6: Here they come. [the Persians approach, but stop short]\nBig Woman: There's so many of them.\nJanet: Lesbos! Positions! [they all take a battle stance]\nTumon: Lesbians! Stand aside. We're coming in to redecorate it!\nJanet: The hell you are! You can take your blue carpet and gold curtain rods and shove them up your Persian buttholes!\nTumon: All right! Come on! They can't stop all of us! Huuu!\nPersians: [charging forward] Huuu! [slow motion feet are shown]\nJanet: Lesbos! Remember this day! Remember this fight! [the battle begins with both sides pushing, the line going back and forth] Don't give them an inch! [she gets poked somewhere] Ow! Iranian faggot!\nTumon: Come on, seriously, let us in!\nJanet: Never!\nNarrator: For hours, the Lesbos kept the Persians back, holding them off, keeping them from decorating. [Janet and the second Persian are shown in intense shoving combat] Finally the Persians grew tired. and many of them wanted to go shopping for more designer sunglasses. They retreated. [and threw down their weapons] The Lesbos... had held.\nJanet: Lesbohhhs!\nLesbians: Huok! Huok!\nNarrator: The Persians who did not go shopping now knew they must face their boss.\nTumon: [turns around] Here he comes. [the others turn to see. An opulent Hummer draws closer and closer]\nNarrator: Rauf Xerxes. He sat atop a gold Hummer with customized Gucci accessories which only a Persian would think was cool. [four men pour out of the Hummer and arrange themselves into steps in front of the grille]\nTumon: Mr. Xerxes, the Lesbos wouldn't move. We could not get inside to redecorate.\nXerxes: [deep voice] Tumon, how could you have failed me in this simple task? I am so seriously pissed off right now. I could bust a testicle.\nNarrator: And with that the Persian club owner came to a realization.\nXerxes: I shall have to deal with these lesbos myself.\nScene Description: Les Bos, the aftermath of the Battle of South Park. The improvised weapons are strewn all over the street.\nJanet: Girls, I just want to say that I am very proud of you. The way we kept those Persians from takin' over our bar was Les-tastic.\nAllyson: Well that's great, Janet, but what now? We can't just stay here pushing them away our whole lives.\nJanet: We can't? I think it's pretty fun.\nLinda: We have to have a more solid plan. Something we can use against them permanently.\nLesbian 10: [WNBA player] Maybe we can dig up some dirt on the club owner.\nJanet: Hey, that's a great idea, Betsy. We need somebody working on the inside.\nAllyson: Whattaya mean?\nJanet: If we could get some Persians on our side, we could send them in to try to dig up some dirt on the owner!\nAllyson: But who's gonna spy on them for us? We don't know any Persians.\nJanet: It's okay. There's people you can hire for this kind of thing.\nScene Description: Moovit Trucking, day. Janet shows up with Women 6 and 8 and whistles at the laborers.\nJanet: ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?\nLaborer 1: Yeis.\nLaborer 2: We looking work, sí.\nJanet: All right. We need you to infiltrate some Persians who run Club Persh. And dig up some dirt on the owner.\nLaborer 2: Okay.\nLaborer 1: Sure.\nLaborer 3: [wearing NY baseball cap] Okay.\nLaborer 4: [wearing gray baseball cap] Yeah.\nAllyson: Janet, how is this gonna work? They don't look Persian.\nJanet: Sure they do. [walks over to one of the laborers, Laborer 1, and works on him] Just have to- gel the hair, put on a silk shirt, some gold chains, and tons of cologne. [shields her eyes from the cologne, then presents the new man] Persian.\nLaborer 1: Sí. [the two women smile]\nLesbian 6: Wow!\nJanet: All right, Mexicans, take the rest of these outfits and see what you can find out. The address is in there too.\nLaborer 1: Okay.\nLaborer 5: No problem.\nLaborer 2: Yes.\nLaborer 4: Sí. [they turn around and walk away]\nJanet: And Mexicans, please hurry. Our girl bar has very little time.\nScene Description: Les Bos, stormy sky, day. The camera pans down from the sky.\nNarrator: A full day passed, and the Lesbos knew a second Persian attack was imminent. Outside, Lesbo lookouts kept watch, ready to alert the others. The Lesbo leader sat nervously inside. Her plan to dress Mexicans as Persians to act as spies - perhaps it had failed. She looked around at her fellow Lesbos. They were tired. In order to keep her Lesbos awake, she had no choice: she would have to make coffee. [Janet turns around (fast motion) and heads to the kitchen (slow motion). She enters the kitchen (fast motion) and grabs the glass kettle from the coffee maker (slow motion). She turns towards the sink (fast motion), and pours water into the kettle (slow motion). She turns back to the coffee maker (fast motion) and pour the water into it (slow motion). She closes the water cover, opens the coffee cover, gets some coffee, returns (all fast motion), and pours the coffee into the coffee filter (slow motion). She closes the coffee cover (fast motion) and presses the on button (slow motion).] With fresh coffee brewed, the Lesbos found new life, but would it be enough?\nLesbian 6: [standing on a booth bench and looking out a window] The Persians are attacking again!\nJanet: Take positions, Lesbos!\nLesbian 11: Get outside! [the lesbians begin to move towards the door]\nJanet: No wait, wait! That's not the Persians, it's the Mexicans.\nLinda: Really?\nAllyson: How can you tell?\nJanet: Let them through. It's okay.\nLaborer 3: Hola, ¿como estas?\nLaborer 4: Hola.\nJanet: Did you uncover anything? Are the Persians doing anything illegal?\nLaborer 4: Ahh, no. They're not doing anything illegal.\nJanet: A-are you sure?\nLaborer 1: No, but we did find out a kind of secret about the person in charge.\nJanet: What secret?! [Laborer 4 hands him some photos] Oh my God, are, are you sure about this?\nLaborers: Sí.\nAllyson: Janet! Janet, the Persian boss is here. He wants to talk to you and you alone.\nJanet: It's okay. It's time I met this rich Persian asshole face to face.\nScene Description: Les Bos, outside, moments later. Xerxes descends from his throne as Janet approaches\nXerxes: Why are you lesbians being so difficult?\nJanet: Because we're protecting the only home we have.\nXerxes: I don't know why you have to be all superlame about this.\nJanet: You know, a long time ago when I first realized I was a lesbian, I felt isolated, confused. And finally I found a place that accepts me for who I am.\nXerxes: Okay, how about this? [stands behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders] I will make you the manager of Club Persh. You'll make good money.\nJanet: That's a generous offer, Xerxes, but you see, there's something I know about you. [takes Xerxes' left hand and sniffs it] I know you're actually a woman.\nXerxes: [lets go and backs away quickly] How..? How did you find that out?\nJanet: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.\nXerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.\nJanet: Yeah. And you know why? Because men are all assholes! They make you feel ashamed for being a little... big, or, manly looking. [Xerxes wasn't expecting this response] But not Lesbos. We accept other women for who they are inside!\nXerxes: You do? Seriously?\nJanet: Have you never... even thought, of being with another woman before?\nXerxes: No. I don't even know how two women... can make love. Unless they just kind of [demonstrates with her fingers] scissor or something.\nScene Description: Janet's bedroom, later. Janet and Xerxes are going at it in bed.\nJanet: Ohh yeah! Scissor me, Xerxes!\nXerxes: Ohh, that feels so supercool!\nJanet: Yeah, scissor!\nXerxes: Ohh, I'm a new woman!\nScene Description: Les Bos, next day. A bright blue sky and fluffy clouds grace it.\nNarrator: And so it was that Les Bos was saved. The Persians had agreed to keep it a lesbian bar, for no dyke should be without cocktails.\nJanet: Thanks for everything, Xerxes.\nXerxes: No. Thank you, friend.\nAllyson: Hey, aren't you supposed to be teaching school right now?\nJanet: The school hired a substitute to cover for me.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids are quietly paying attention\nLaborer 1: Hand so to find the sum of the two fractions, zhyou must always first check for the lowest common denominator. [the five laborers the boys first hired are there]\nLaborer 2: Sí.\nLaborers: Sí. Sí. Yes. Yes. That's right.\nLaborer 4: Sí.\nStan: These guys are pretty good.\nKyle: Yeah. I think I'm actually learning something. [both boys resume taking notes.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. The boys head for the park.\nCartman: All right, this time, it's me and Kenny versus you two assholes.\nKyle: Fine.\nStan: [stops] Oh, dude, what's with all the homeless people? [all around the basketball court homeless people loiter or sleep. There's one bum sleeping at center court. The boys walk up to him] Sir, could you move a little, please?\nBum: Spare some change?\nCartman: [pinches his nose shut] Aw, dude, he smells like Kenny's house. [releases the pinch] Get out of here!\nKyle: You guys, that's not cool. These people have nowhere to go. [a slow pan of the homeless around them] They don't have food or shelter. We have to do something.\nStan: Well dude, what are we supposed to do?\nKenny: (Yeah, what are we supposed to do?)\nCartman: No, Kyle's right, you guys. We should do something.\nKyle: Really?\nCartman: Yeah. I know what you're thinking, Kyle, and I'm with you. I know exactly what we should do.\nScene Description: Moments later, kids from around the neighborhood gather in the basketball court.\nButters: [through a bullhorn] Gather 'round and witness the glory as Eric Cartman attempts to jump his skateboard over the homeless. [Stan and Kenny prepare the ramp at center court for Cartman]\nCartman: Thank you, thank you. [to Stan and Kenny] The ramp ready?\nStan: Yeah, it's all set.\nClyde: He won't make it.\nKyle: Excuse me, this isn't exactly what I had in mind!\nCartman: All right, here we go! Jimmy? [Jimmy starts the drum roll. Cartman takes off and picks up speed on his way to the ramp. Tweek and Bebe have their fists ready to pump for him. He leaves the ramp successfully, only to land on the bum and hit the ground without injury]\nBum: Oh! Aww.\nCartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! [turns around] Yes!\nKenny: (Yehes!)\nStan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle. [smiles]\nKyle: God damn it, that wasn't my idea!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day, the City Council. The Mayor is presiding and her two aides stand behind her\nMayor McDaniels: All right, people, we need to come up with answers. There are homeless sprouting up all over town. What are we supposed to do? [silence for a few seconds]\nFire Chief: Well, I, I short of had an idea.\nMayor McDaniels: Please, Mr. Valmer.\nMr. Valmer: [the fire chief] We could give the homeless all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at.\nOther Members: Oh, that's a good one. Good idea. I like it.\nRandy: Well I was thinking: We could turn the homeless into tires, so that we'd still have homeless, but we could use them, on our cars.\nMr. Valmer: Ohh, that's a good one.\nMr. Mackey: Nice one, Randy.\nGerald: Like it.\nAide: That's like recycling.\nMrs. Testaburger: All right, enough! I find this whole conversation to be extremely offensive! The homeless aren't monsters, they are people, like you and me!\nRandy: You mean they've adapted, copied our DNA.\nHomeless advisor: Excuse me. I am the top researcher of homeless studies for Park County. I don't know why more homeless people are showing up in town, but I do know... that we must be extremely careful. If we give them anything, there could be more.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, a rainy night. Kyle looks out from a window on the second floor and sees a homeless man on the sidewalk. The man carries a used tin can with his right hand and a small \"SPARE CHANGE?\" cardboard sign with his left hand. A car passes by and honks. Kyle takes pity on him and comes downstairs. He opens the front door, exits, and walks up to the man.\nKyle: Hi. I've uh... [the man faces him] I've been saving up for a new Xbox game but... but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. Listen I, I want you to take this. [hands him a bill] It's twenty dollars. [drops it into the tin can and backs up, smiling]\nBum: Got any more?\nKyle: [frowns] No, that... I thought that was a lot.\nBum: [turns around and walks off a bit, asking no one in particular] Spare any change?\nKyle: [sad at the lack of gratitude] You're welcome. [walks back into the house with his head down]\nScene Description: South Park, morning. Kyle climbs onto his toy box and looks out the window again. More homeless people have arrived and are camped out in front of the house.\nKyle: Oh crap. [the doorbell rings and Kyle comes down to answer it. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman enter]\nStan: Dude, what are all these homeless people doing in front of your house?\nKyle: I don't know.\nCartman: There's a bunch outside my house too.\nBum: [female] Spare any change, sir?\nCartman: No! Fuck off! [slams the door shut]\nStan: I don't get it. My Dad said as long as nobody gave them money, they'd move on.\nKyle: He did?\nCartman: Well this is bullcrap! Somebody has to be responsible!\nKyle: Well, I... kind of gave a homeless guy twenty dollars last night.\nCartman: You what?!\nKyle: Oh c-come on, that can't be why they're all here. There has to be another reason.\nStan: Kyle, what were you thinking?\nCartman: [makes his way to Kyle] Yeah! I can't possibly jump these many homeless people! I won't risk it! I could jump two homeless people, maybe three, but asking me to jump this many is asking me to risk my life, Kyle!\nKyle: I don't want you to jump them, retard!\nScene Description: South Park, commercial district, day. Randy walks along Main Street, not really paying attention...\nBum 1: Spare some change?\nRandy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.\nBum 2: [a few stores down] Got any change?\nRandy: No, sorry. [the bum follows him until he passes the third bum]\nBum 3: Can you spare some change? [Randy looks back and runs into the fourth bum]\nBum 4: [holds out his cup] Chaaange?\nRandy: Huh! I don't have any change. [more bums come out of the woodwork and crowd in on him]\nBum 5: [an elderly woman] Change?\nRandy: No!\nBum 6: Change? [Randy runs across the street, but...]\nBum 7: Spare some change?\nRandy: [shielding himself with his suitcase] Leave me alone I don't have any change!\nBum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.\nRandy: Oh, now I feel bad. [goes back to the bum] Here! [tosses some change into the cup] Ahh! [the other bums reach the other side of the street] Hahh! [begins to run, but other homeless people appear, asking for change. Randy moves past them] Nono, that was really all the change I had.\nBum 7: [jumps into view again] Spare some change?\nRandy: I just gave you change!\nBum 8: [another old woman] Change? [the homeless crowd Randy in and he can't escape. Their pleading takes on a chanting quality: \"Change? Change? Change? Spare some change? God bless. ...\"]\nRandy: Wahhh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crown of bums] Noo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Center, day. Gerald, Jimbo, and the Stotches are present.\nGerald: Okay, that'll be great. Let's also make sure we have enough chairs in the community center for everyone to attend.\nRandy: [outside] Waaah! [bangs on the doors] Awwww! [enters, shuts the door behind him, and locks it] Stay away! [implores and pounds on the door] Stay awayhay!\nJimbo: Randy? Randy, what happened?\nRandy: Stay awa- ...I don't have any change! [collapses on the floor against the door] I don't have any chaaaahahange!\nScene Description: A splash screen comes up for News 5.\nAnnouncer: This is a News 5 Special Bulletin, with Chris Swollenballs.\nChris Swollenballs: South Park has become overrun with the homeless. [a shot of the homeless crowd in front of South Park Elementary, then another shot of them in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty] Nearly every square inch of public property is now riddled with homeless, shutting down roadways and making getting around impossible. [a portrait of a homeless woman] Many people are trapped throughout the town. [an aerial shot of the community center. The center is surrounded by homeless people, with the five adults inside it now on the roof]\nRandy: Help! Help us!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room. The boys watch the breaking news on TV\nStan: Dude, it's our dads.\nKyle: Oh my God.\nChris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.\nBum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?\nChris Swollenballs: What the? You can't be in here.\nBum 9: Ya got any change, sir?\nChris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?\nBum 10: Chaaaaange?\nChris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest I don't. I don't have any- [a PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up and the station goes off the air]\nCartman: You see what you did, Kyle?!\nStan: Come on, we have to try and help our stupid parents. [the boys turn off the TV and head outside]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, outside.\nCartman: They're everywhere!\nAide: [pulls up in his car] What are you boys doing? Get in.\nBum 11: [knocks on his window] Spare any change, sir?\nAide: [throws up his arms and shakes his head vigorously] Ahhhh! [settles down and starts driving] Come on, let's go! [some distance down the street] What the hell were you doing outside?!\nStan: Our parents are stuck on top of a building in town.\nAide: You aren't getting into town! It's completely overrun with these... things. [a bum lands on the windshield]\nThe Boys: Ahh! [the bum begins to wash the windshield]\nAide: No! I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiit! [peels off at the first opportunity] Look, our only hope is to talk to the homeless researcher out on Travis Street. He understands what's goin' on better than anybody. Just stick with me, kids. [enters an intersection, but doesn't notice the driver to his left, who's not paying attention to the road. They collide, with the aide dying on the spot]\nThe Boys: [exit the car uninjured] Aaahhh! [they move along the street, but notice the homeless everywhere. Another collision takes place a block away from them]\nKyle: Holy shit, dude! [behind him, the other three boys move a manhole cover off to one side, opening up a new means of escape]\nStan: Over here! [Kyle looks back. Cartman and Kenny drop down into the sewer and Kyle walks to the manhole.] Jump down! Go! [Kyle drops down, and finally, Stan]\nCartman: [pinching his nose shut with his left hand as he fans the smell away with his right] Aw man, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.\nKenny: [punches Cartman angrily] (Dude, shut the fuck up about my house!)\nCartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax dude. We need to work together.\nStan: Come on, we gotta get to that scientist's house. [they move forward.]\nScene Description: South Park, street level, day. The homeless have paralyzed the town as crashed cars are shown everywhere. The community center roof is shown, with Randy looking out over the parking lot with binoculars. Gerald and Jimbo sit in chairs\nRandy: [lowers his binoculars] No sign of anybody else.\nGerald: [rising from his chair] That's it. I'm gonna make a break for it.\nRandy: [turns around to face him] Don't be crazy, Gerald. You'll never get through all those homeless people.\nStephen: And even if you did, what then? You can't drive anywhere.\nGerald: If I can make it through them, maybe I can catch the bus to Fairplay. I have to try.\nRandy: You won't make it through, Gerald! [Gerald leaves quickly and heads downstairs. He leaves the community center, only to be hounded by bums begging for change]\nGerald: [making his way through] Ahh. Ahhhahhahahahh.\nBums: Change? Change sir? You got some change?\nGerald: Don't have any change... Don't have any change... Damn it! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?\nBum 12: Change, sir?\nGerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little... anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]\nStephen: What happened?\nRandy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.\nScene Description: South Park, night, under a full moon. All around town, the homeless ask for change. The boys are shown arriving at an office of some sort. They knock on the door and the homeless researcher answers it\nHomeless advisor: Go away, I I don't have any change.\nStan: Are you the head of Homeless Studies?\nHomeless advisor: Yes. Who are you?\nStan: We think this may be our friend's fault. [shows Kyle] He gave one of the homeless twenty dollars yesterday-\nHomeless advisor: Oh my God. Get in here! Tell me what's going on? [the boys enter and he shuts the door]\nStan: There's a bunch of people trapped in the middle of town surrounded by homeless people. W-we can't get to them.\nCartman: All right, all right, look! I didn't wanna risk it, but... I think I know what to do. I'll try to jump all those homeless and get to the people on that roof.\nHomeless advisor: Jump them?\nCartman: I jump the homeless professionally. If you can get me a skateboard, I'll try to jump that homeless crowd and save those people.\nKyle: Oh, shut up, Cartman. All you did was jump over one homeless guy.\nCartman: I easily could have cleared another thirty or forty.\nKyle: You barely made it over one, fatass!\nStan: Kyle, enough! Cartman jumping more homeless people isn't gonna solve anything right now!\nKyle: God damn it! I don't want him to jump over more a-\nHomeless advisor: Boys! Boys! I don't think you quite understand how the homeless function. Perhaps you should come downstairs. To my laboratory. [lightning and thunderclaps follow]\nScene Description: South Park Community Center, night. The homeless now call up to the roof.\nRandy: We don't have any change! Go away!\nLinda: Anything, Stephen?\nStephen: No. All the phone lines are completely down. [the stairwell door behind them rattles and they turn to face it in fear. Randy steps toward it with his shotgun and cocks it. More knocking on the door]\nA Man: [inside the stairwell] Hello? Ih-it's Steve Garrett from the library. Pu-please let us in.\nRandy: Find another place to hide, Steve!\nSteve: I I have others with me. We we have nowhere else to go. One woman here is pregnant.\nStephen: We can't just leave them out there.\nSteve: Let us in! For God's sake, they're coming! No! No, I'm sorry, we don't have any change.\nLinda: You have to let them in, Randy.\nRandy: There isn't enough food for more people up here!\nSteve: Oh God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.\nStephen: This isn't happening!\nRandy: All right all right, fine! [approaches slowly and opens the door. The refugees stream forth]\nBum 13: Could you spare some change, sir?\nRandy: [shuts the door quickly] Harrrh!\nScene Description: The Homeless Advisor's lab, later. He's dissected the body of a dead homeless person.\nHomeless advisor: I've dissected several homeless to see what make them tick. Their anatomy is shockingly similar to ours. See? Everything is there: heart, lungs, kidneys, they're almost identical to us in every way. Except for one. [a homeless man is chained to a wall by a chain around his neck. The advisor approaches him] The homeless... can survive solely... on change. [pulls out some change]\nBum 14: [sticks out his cup and strains to get the money] Change?\nHomeless advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving\nBum 14: Is that... is that some spare change?\nHomeless advisor: Somehow they're able to take... our change... and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.\nBum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?\nHomeless advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys. The bum rattles his cup a bit]\nBum 14: Spare some change?\nHomeless advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants... more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.\nBum 15: Chaaaaange?\nKyle: What's it doing?\nHomeless advisor: It's dying.\nCartman: Cool.\nHomeless advisor: I've learned that the nearby city of Evergreen had a homeless problem just before we did. And they were able to stop it.\nGerald: [finds the advisor's office and enters] Excuse me, the front door was open. Can I borrow some change? [other homeless men follow him in]\nHomeless advisor: Oh my God, they're coming in! [leads the boys to an escape hatch above some crates] Quick kids, get out of here! You can fit!\nKyle: [helps Cartman up] What about you?\nHomeless advisor: Get to Evergreen and find out how they got rid of the homeless! I'll be all right!\nCartman: Eh! Stop pushing, Kenny.\nGerald: Hello? [comes down a spiral staircase] I I'm sorry, I just really need some change for the bus?\nBum 16: Change?\nBum 17: Spare some change?\nBum 18: Change?\nGerald: Stop it! I really do need change!\nBum 16: Me too. Change?\nGerald: [outside the lab] Change? [knocks on the lab door] Hello? Do you have any change?\nBum: [outside the lab] Chaaange?\nHomeless advisor: Sorry to take the easy way out. [takes a gun to his right temple and cocks it. An exterior view of his office is shown and a gunshot heard. Back inside, he's still standing, in pain. The bullet went out the left temple, but didn't kill him.] OW! OH, FUCK! OWW! [next he tries shooting through his jaw, and the bullet comes out through his right cheek.] OHHH! AH! GOD! [shoots through his jaw again, and the bullet goes out his right cheek again. This time he gargles and drops on all fours. He shoots through his right shoulder three times, but still lives. This time he takes the gun to his forehead and cocks the gun. The exterior view of his office is shown again and a gunshot is heard. Back inside, he's still alive. The bullet to the brain didn't kill him. This time he shoots at his heart twice, and that finally kills him. He writhes around for a few seconds and dies.]\nScene Description: The South Park Community Center. There are so many homeless people now that it looks like a page out of \"Where's Waldo?\" There are now thirteen people on the roof, all asking for change.\nRandy: [rifling through a box] No. No, damn it! [faces the small group on the roof with him] That's it. That's it, everyone. We're out of Pop-Tarts.\nJimbo: No. We can't be.\nRandy: Face it, we're gonna starve!\nLinda: No, no wait, there's still a box over here.\nRandy: Those are cherry! Ich!\nHead of Public Safety: [his cell phone rings and he rises] Wait, I got a signal! I got a signal. [dials a number]\nGerald: What? You do?\nRandy: How? Call the fire department.\nHead of Public Safety: I'm calling my wife! [waits for her to pick up] Mary. Mary baby, are you all right?\nLinda: Oh, maybe we're gonna be okay.\nStephen: Ask her what's happening.\nHead of Public Safety: Mary, what's goin' on out there? Nobody's coming for us. They what? No! That's impossible. But how can that be? We didn't even- [the phone cuts out] Hello? Mary. [tries to reconnect] Mary!\nJimbo: What happened, Glen?\nGlen: [Head of Public Safety] There's no help coming! She said... because of all the homeless... because of all the homeless in South Park property values have plummeted. I had two liens against my house and so the bank is foreclosing! I don't have a home anymore. [Randy and the others are quiet for a moment, but Randy knows what he must do. He pumps his shotgun and aims at Glen.]\nLinda: Randy, what are you doing?\nRandy: He's homeless now. We aren't safe.\nGlen: I'm not like them.\nRandy: Not yet. It's only a matter of time.\nLinda: [tries dissuading Randy] And what are you gonna do, huh? Just blow his head off?\nRandy: If we have to! Siddown Glen!\nGlen: Randy, you can't just-\nRandy: SIT... doowwwnnnn!\nScene Description: Another shot of the homeless on the street.\nScene Description: Back to a shot of the roof. Glen is sitting under a blanket again.\nGlen: This is crazy. How can they just take away my house? Where am I supposed to put all my things? I don't have a place for all my stuff; where am I supposed to put all my stuff? I'll need to pay for storage. Can I borrow some- money to put my stuff in storage? Come on guys. If you all just help me out a little bit. Each one of you just put in a little... change? Change? [That's it. Randy fires at him and blows the upper half of his head off. Randy sighs heavily]\nScene Description: A brilliant sunrise in the Rockies. Another shot reveals a ruined town - Evergreen. The four boys arrive and look at the destruction\nStan: What the hell happened here? [three men in camouflage appear and aim their shotguns at them]\nMan 1: [wearing a white and blue bandana around his neck] That's far enough! Just march your butts right back out of our town!\nStan: We, just came to ask a question.\nMan 2: You homeless or homeowners?\nKyle: We're nine.\nMan 1: Yeah? Well that makes you homeless, so get out of here before you die!\nStan: Look, we just need help with our own homeless problem.\nCartman: Yeah. This Jew here made them take over our town.\nKyle: Shut up, Cartman!\nMan 1: Cartman? Eric Cartman? The kid who jumped thirty homeless people on a skateboard?\nCartman: Youu heard about that?\nMan 2: Heard about it? They said you could have easily cleared fifty homeless with that jump.\nCartman: Thirty was hard enough.\nKyle: Oh God! It wasn't thirty, it was one! He jumped over one homeless person with his stupid skateboard, and he barely made it over that guy!\nStan: Kyle, knock it off! We're here to find out how to get rid of the homeless, not how many homeless Cartman can jump!\nCartman: Please, we just want you to tell us how you got rid of the homeless in your town.\nMan 2: Well, that was easy. [the group moves to a clearing where the boys sit on a bench while the first man serves himself some coffee and begins explaining]\nMan 1: The homeless first started arriving in Evergreen about three months ago. At first there were only a few of them, askin' for change, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up, and we realized there was somethin' different about them. They fed off of our change to the point that they could actually start renting apartments. We knew it wouldn't be long before the homeless actually started buying homes. And then we'd have no idea who was homeless and who wasn't! The people living in the house right next door to you could be homeless and you wouldn't even know! [sips] Nobody could trust anybody! Fights broke out. War! [Kyle notices something on the ground] That's when I started suspecting that [the something is a pamphlet that says \"HAVEN FOR THE HOMELESS\" on the front cover. He picks it up] my own wife, who I'd been living with for twenty years, was actually homeless. So I had to burn her. In her bed while she slept. [Kyle reads the pamphlet] After she died I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town! So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. [Kyle opens the pamphlet and is met with these words: \"HAVEN FOR THE HOMELESS. TRY SOUTH PARK.\"]\nKyle: You son of a bitch. [gets off the bench and approaches the first man with the pamphlet] You didn't solve your homeless problem, you just sent all your homeless to South Park! [opens the pamphlet to show him]\nMan 1: That's right, yes.\nStan: What?\nKyle: I knew it! It wasn't because I gave that guy twenty dollars! The homeless all came from here!\nMan 1: And it was Texas who sent them to us! People in San Antonio got rid of their homeless by tellin' them what a great place Evergreen was!\nStan: [getting off the bench] But then you didn't solve the problem, you just moved it!\nMan 1: Right. But we survived.\nWoman: [pops up out of nowhere, almost a skeleton] Dehhhnyihhhs! [she's armed with a rifle and ready to shoot]\nDennis: [Man 1, turns around. The other two men look as well] Christine!\nChristine: You sonothatitch! You tried to kinn me!\nDennis: I had to, Christine, you were homeless.\nChristine: No, I wasn't honeless yeh stukid asshole!\nDennis: Christine, I can't understand you.\nChristine: Yeah! Gecause you durned my yits oth!\nDennis: I nurned your rip sauce?\nChristine: No! You durned my yits oth!\nDennis: I have no idea what you're saying! [Christine shoots him] Ow! [Dennis is dead. The third man kills Christine, who fires one final shot and hits the second man. The second man kills the third and dies moments later]\nStan: Dude, our parents are just as stupid as these people, our town is gonna end up just like this!\nKyle: [turns around] No it isn't. Come on, I have an idea.\nStan: No no, we're not having Cartman jump any more homeless people, Kyle!\nKyle: That isn't my idea! I saw a bus in a garage a couple of blocks back! We need to modify it!\nKenny: (What are you gonna do?)\nKyle: We're gonna save our parents before they all kill each other!\nScene Description: Montage: the boys modify a bus. Stan works on the front fenders. Cartman works on brakes and accelerator. Kenny works on tightening the barbed wire running along the roof's edge. Kyle works on putting up a shield in front of the bus with a screw gun. Stan moves to the transmission. Cartman and Kenny reinforce the sides of the bus. Kyle works on the PA system.\nScene Description: The community center roof. The refugees sit around. A bus horn is heard and the refugees rouse themselves. Randy looks out over the parking lot and sees the bus. The homeless clear a path for the bus\nRandy: A bus! A bus is coming!\nJimbo: [seeing who's inside] It's the boys! They've modified a bus to get us out of here!\nStephen: I knew they'd come back for us!\nLinda: All right!\nA Woman: Yeah.\nRandy: [props up Glen's corpse so it faces the bus] Look, Glen. We're saved. [the bus stops]\nStan: All right, I'm turning around\nStephen: Why are they turning?\nRandy: [drops the corpse] What are they doing? [the bus turns so the front end now faces away from the community center. Randy calls out] Don't leave us!\nKyle: All right, hit it.\nCartman: Let's hope to Christ this works. [prepares to press the red button. Music begins to play]\nBackup Singers: California Love[the homeless grow quiet]\nThe Boys: California\nCartman: Is nice to the homeless Californiania Supercool to the homeless\nThe Boys: In the city\nCartman: City of Santa Monica Lots of rich people giving change to the homeless\nBum: [holds up his tin can] Chaaange? [the adults on the roof still have no idea what's going on]\nThe Boys: In the city\nKyle: City of Brentwood They take really good care of all their homeless\nCartman: [to Stan] They're listening. Let's go! [a Destination Marquee is shown. Stan flips switch C on and presses a green button. The marquee changes from Denver to California]\nThe Boys: In the city\nCartman: Marina del Rey They're so nice to the homeless built them port-a-potties\nStephen: They're... they're leading them away!\nJimbo: We're gonna be all right!\nRandy: [props the corpse up once again] Oh Glen! We made it!\nCartman: CaliforniaSupercool to the homeless\nScene Description: A highway, day. The boys take the homeless westward.\nGerald: Cha-a-ange?\nCartman: CalifornianiaNa na orn nea\nScene Description: Santa Monica Pier. The bus passes it going south - towards Venice Beach. The homeless follow\nThe Boys: In the city\nScene Description: Venice Beach. The homeless head right in and make themselves at home\nCartman: City of Venice Right by Matt's house You can chill if you're homeless. [the music stops. Three homeless men sleep on the Strand and Cartman sails over them, landing on the third man and skating away]\nBum: Eughuhuh.\nCartman: [jumps off his skateboard, throws down his helmet and exults] Yes! That's three homeless! Suck on that! Fuck yeah! [faces his friends and the bums]\nStan: Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Toy Safari, day. Shoppers walk by, enter, leave, browse, etc. Inside, in Aisle 3: Action Figures. Cartman browses one set of shelves. Another boy is shown behind him, browsing the facing shelves.\nCartman: [picks out a figure] Big Ring Slammer. Comes with posable neck-smash grip. [moves the package around with his left hand and strokes his chin with his right] That's pretty kewl. Let's see...\nBoy: Cock! [Cartman is startled.]\nCartman: [puts the Slammer back on the rack and selects another figure.] The Black Jackal. Karate Kick Panel Force and bendable neck-\nBoy: Asshole! Cock! Asshole, shit, shit cock! [his neck and face get taut as he blurts this out]\nClerk: [nearby] Ma'am, is that your son over there?\nMom: Yes, I'm sorry. My son has Tourette's Syndrome.\nClerk: Tourette's Syndrome?\nMom: It's a neurological disorder. He-he can't control what he says.\nClerk: Oh...\nBoy: [turns his head hard to the left, his eyes shut] Shiit! [turns his head back to face forward] Dumb shiiit!\nMom: [goes to take her son home] A-alright Thomas, maybe we should go?\nThomas: All right Mom- Bitch! Ass bitch!\nMom: Here, let's buy you a nice toy to take home. [selects a figure and hands it to Thomas, who walks away with her, smiling. Cartman watches as they leave]\nCartman: [turns around and walks off, saying softly] Dude, that mom is kewl. [he arrives at the checkout line with his action figure]\nThomas: [stands in line behind Cartman] Cocknut! Augh... Stupid shit!\nCartman: [turns around and glares at Thomas] Are you talkin' to me?!\nThomas: No. Cocknose!\nCartman: What's your problem, kid?!\nMom: Oh, a-I'm sorry. [Thomas backs away a bit] My... son Thomas has Tourette's Syndrome. [a crowd begins to gather around them]\nCartman: What?\nThomas: Mom, let's just go. Shhhit!\nMom: People with Tourette's can't control certain tics. It's it's like a sneeze.\nThomas: Asshole ASSHOLE.\nCartman: [waves his arms around] Wait waitwait whoa whoa whoa. You're telling me there's an illness that makes you blurt out obscenities?\nThomas: Mom, can we just go home, please?\nMom: It's okay, Thomas. They understand.\nThomas: I want tuh go! [throws down his action figure and walks off, his hands over his mouth] Shitfag!\nMan 1: Poor kid.\nClerk: Yeah.\nCartman: [turns around and faces the crowd] All right, hold on just a second here: Are you telling me that if you have this Tourette's Syndrome you can say whatever you want, all the time, and never get in trouble?\nClerk: It's a neurological disorder; he can't help it.\nMan 1: Yeah! [Cartman blinks - CHING! He begins to think: \"I've got a golden ticket... I've got a golden\"]\nCartman: Twinkle in my eye. [turns and heads for the entrance] haha. HahaHAAhahahaha. [throws his action figure into the air and runs out the door]\nClerk: Hey don't you wanna buy that toy?\nCartman: I don't need the toy! I've found something better! [dances away] 'Cause I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden chance to make my way!\nScene Description: Colorado Neurology Center, some days later. A doctor checks Cartman out as Liane watches\nLiane: It started about four days ago, Doctor, and every day he seems to get worse.\nCartman: Puh- pussy!\nLiane: Oh...\nCartman: Pussy! Cock! Shit! [covers his mouth in faking embarrassment]\nLiane: Oh dear... I was checking out the Internet and ih, it almost seems like his symptoms are like those in something called \"Tour, Tourette's Syndrome\"?\nCartman: Tourette's Syndrome? What is that, Mommy. Butthole! Titties! Balls! [covers his mouth immediately]\nDoctor: That doesn't seem likely. Tourette's is a hereditary disease; it doesn't just suddenly start.\nCartman: ...Cocksucker!\nDoctor: [begins to think and walks off a bit] ...On the other hand, Tourette's does often develop later in a child's life, getting progressively worse.\nCartman: Oh wuh, well that's it! Shithead! Asshole! Mexican sticky balls!\nLiane: Oh Doctor, can you help him?\nDoctor: [turns around and walks back to them] We don't know very much about Tourette's I'm afraid. But we will give your son all the help we can.\nCartman: But what about school, Doctor? The teachers and the principal, they won't understand that I can't control what I say.\nDoctor: Don't worry, young man. We'll make sure everyone understands your disease and gives you the compassion you deserve.\nCartman: Ohohh, that's awesome. Thank you. Faggot! [gives him a mischievous look]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks into view as the kids are at their lockers\nCartman: Shit! Butthole! [walks up to Wendy] Hey Wendy. DUMB BITCH! Uh, sorry. [smiles and moves on] Titties! Cock! [he's relishing this. He points to a redhead] Ginger retard! Asslicker dickface!\nKyle: Dude, you'd better watch it. The principal's right over there. [she walks up to them]\nCartman: Uh, Good morning, Principal Victoria. Shitballs!\nPrincipal Victoria: Good morning, Eric. [turns right and walks away. Cartman walks off in the opposite direction]\nKyle: Did Cartman just say \"shitballs\" to the principal?\nButters: Huhyou didn't hear? Well Cartman has some, mental disease called Tourette's Syndrome or somethin'.\nKyle: What?\nCraig: [in admiration] He's the luckiest kid in the world. If I could say \"shitballs\" to the principal I'd be sooo happy.\nCartman: [deciding to explain things. Mr. Mackey is in the background] Uh excuse me, excuse me everyone I, I guess you might have noticed my awkward tics. Asshole! Pussy asshole! [the other kids lean away] Ach, augh, I just want you to know that I can't control it.\nPrincipal Victoria: It's okay, Eric. We all understand and we think you're very brave.\nKyle: [after some thought, points and says] He's faking.\nCartman: [his thunder is stolen and he covers for it] Ahahahaha, ayah- Excuse me everyone, I need to have a moment alone with my good friend Kyle? [walks to Kyle] Asscheeks! [hauls Kyle off to a clearing] Kyle, apparently you missed the school assembly yesterday, but I've been diagnosed with a very serious mental condition.\nKyle: You do not have Tourette's Syndrome, fatass!\nCartman: ...Oh, okay, you figured me out. [claps] Bravo, Kyle, bravo. Don't you see how awesome this is? It's like, a magic cloak that makes me impervious to getting in trouble.\nKyle: Who cares about saying whatever you-?\nCartman: Of course, if you want to be Sergeant Buzzkill once again, and spoil my fun because you're jealous you didn't think of it first, well go right ahead, Kyle.\nKyle: Grrhh, whatever. [walks off in a huff. Mr. Mackey walks by]\nCartman: Good morning, Mr. Mackey. Asspussy! [Mr. Mackey does nothing but walk away]\nCraig: If I could say \"asspussy\" to the counselor I would be sooo happy.\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison writes a math problem on the board: (-7)X(-2)\nMrs. Garrison: Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number-?\nCartman: Dicktits!\nMrs. Garrison: [glances back at Cartman, then finishes writing] -when we multiply a negative number by another negative-?\nCartman: Shit! Asshole! [Mrs. Garrison looks at Cartman with a bit of shock, then turns to the board.] 'Scuse me. [Cartman smiles]\nMrs. Garrison: Ih if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can-\nCartman: Spooge, balls, bloody... vaginal... belch! [the class laughs. Cartman pretends to be hurt] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.\nMrs. Garrison: [facing the class] All right kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? [turns to the board] Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers\nCartman: Tampon! Tampon DICKshit!\nKyle: Will you knock it off already?!\nCartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. KIKE.\nKyle: Don't push me, asshole!\nMrs. Garrison: Kyle, watch your language! [Cartman lets out a hearty laugh]\nCraig: [getting miserable] If I could yell \"tampon dickshit\" in the classroom I'd be sooo happy.\nScene Description: The principal's office, later. Mrs. Garrison is inside talking with her.\nMrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric has become such a distraction I, I don't think I can teach my class anymore.\nPrincipal Victoria: I understand it's been difficult, Mrs. Garrison, and so, Mr. Donaldson has come from the Tourette's Tolerance and Understanding Foundation. [Mr. Donaldson walks into view]\nMr. Donaldson: Hello Mrs. Garrison- [turns his head to the left] Ass. ASS. [recovers] I want to help your class better understand this illness. [turns his head to the left] Piss!\nKyle: [walks into the office, with Cartman following] No! Up yours, fatboy!\nCartman: Kyle please! I'm sorry!\nKyle: Principal Victoria, there's something you need to know! Cartman's Tourette's isn't real! He's faking!\nMr. Donaldson: Faking? [Kyle is sure he's got Cartman on the hook] You think people with Tourette's are faking?!\nKyle: [his certainty gone] N-no, I'm just saying that I think-\nMr. Donaldson: Do you have any idea how horrible that is to say? [turns his head to the left] Ass! ASS! [recovers] We aren't \"faking\", young man. Trust me, nobody wants this illness, ass. [turns his head to the left] PISS! PIIISS!\nCartman: That's right, Kyle. [turns his head to the left, where Kyle happens to be] Crap-filled vagina!\nMr. Donaldson: This is the kind of intolerance you teach at this school, Principal Victoria?!\nPrincipal Victoria: No.\nMr. Donaldson: This if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take this \"bully\" to see that Tourette's is very real. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss.\nScene Description: The Children's Therapy Center, day. Mr. Donaldson is seated with seven kids on chairs in a circle in the middle of the room. Two of them are Thomas and Kyle.\nMr. Donaldson: Kids, today during therapy class we have a special visitor. [turns his head to the right, where Kyle happens to be. Kyle jumps in his chair] ASS! [recovers and clears his throat] I, I wanted him to meet all of you so he could try to understand Tourette's\nTeen Boy: Tourette's is like a cough or a sneeze. [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrr! [recovers] It isn't contagious like some people think. [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrrrrrr!\nBlonde Girl: A lot of people with Tourette's have different tics. My tic [leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers] is that I have to bend my neck and snap my fingers. But a lot of people don't even notice it. [leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers]\nThomas: [turns his head to the right] Aw shit! COCK!\nBrunette: Sometimes it can be embarrassing to have Tourette's, but I- [blinks and bobs her head] Boop. I've learned I shouldn't be mad at myself.\nMr. Donaldson: You see? These kids can't control their actions. Ass! Piss in the ass!\nKyle: L-look, I was just suggesting that maybe this one person could control what he said, but just didn't, for fun.\nTeen Boy: Fun? [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrr! [recovers] This really isn't all that fun. [shakes his head quickly] Brrr, brrrrrr!\nThomas: Aw shit!\nBrunette: [blinks and bobs her head] Boop. [The blonde girl leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers]\nMr. Donaldson: [turns his head to the left] Piiiss, coming from my aaass!\nThomas: Yee-you wanna know about fun? Going to public places knowing you're going to make a fool of yourself. Embarrass your parents [turns his head to the right] Aw shit! [recovers] My dad... finally couldn't take it anymore. He... divorced my mom, s-said he'd still be around, but I only see him at Christmastime now. S-sh-shit! S-sh-shit! The worst part is I know how lonely my mom is. A lot of times I know she'd be better off if I was dead.\nKyle: Dude...\nMr. Donaldson: Your mom would not be better off if you were dead, Thomas. Even if people like Kyle here think so.\nKyle: Aw, come on!\nMr. Donaldson: So then you apologize for what you said before?\nKyle: Ah, I was just trying to... just, just in one instance... [the others stare at him] No. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [The blonde girl leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers]\nScene Description: The Children's Therapy Center, outside. Mr. Donaldson takes Kyle to his waiting parents as the other kids look on.\nMr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Ms. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot, and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. [turns his head to the left] Piss! PISS!\nSheila: Our son is a good kid. He just didn't understand Tourette's was a real disease.\nMr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left now is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks into view and bats his eyes at Kyle sweetly. Kyle does not appreciate this]\nGerald: Well Kyle?\nKyle: [grudgingly] I'm sorry.\nCartman: Oh, what was that? I I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.\nKyle: [grudgingly, louder] I'm sorry.\nCartman: You're starry? I I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because uh I don't want it?\nKyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of sh- [stops himself]\nCartman: Oh, oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle. Now I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douche bag! And it means a lot that you're standing here apologizing with your dad and lovely mother. [looks at Gerald and Sheila] Fag Jew! Jew bitch!\nSheila: Oh, thank you Eric.\nCartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike! [Sheila laughs nervously]\nMr. Donaldson: Well I think we can all put this behind us now. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass!\nCartman: Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [thumps his chest and clears his throat] Oh goodness, 'scuse me. Jeez, that was a bad one. [starts to walk away] Well, gotta run, everybody. Got some big things in the works. [stops to whisper to Thomas] Isn't having Tourette's awesome? [leaves]\nScene Description: A Dateline commercial. Dateline graphics come up\nAnnouncer: Next week on Dateline NBC: it's a Dateline special report.\nHansen: I'm Chris Hansen. You probably know me from To Catch A Predator, where we bust men looking for sex with children.\nScene Description: a clip from that show\nHansen: Go ahead and take a seat. Take a seat right over there.\nPredator: Oh God, whoa, no.\nHansen: What are you doin' here?\nPredator: I'm just bein' stupid, I guess.\nScene Description: return to the current show, with graphics indicating the change of focus from pedophiles to Tourette's\nHansen: But now we're switching our focus from pedophiles to Tourette's Syndrome. It all started when I received this touching letter from a brave little boy in Colorado.\nCartman: [doing a voice-over] Dear Mr. Hansen, I have Tourettes and I want the world to understand what it's like. Won't you do a special report on me so that the world can learn to ACCEPT us instead of just laugh? Donkey Boner!!! Eric Cartman [he doesn't say his name]\nHansen: This Saturday on Dateline I'll be bringing you Eric's story, live and uncensored, from his home in Colorado.\nAnnouncer: Living with Tourette's: The Eric Cartman Story. This Saturday on Dateline NBC.\nCartman: [adding to the commercial] Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. [jumps at the camera] Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass barf! [jumps back in shock, covers his mouth, then smiles at the camera sweetly, bending his head to the right]\nScene Description: A sleepy night, Cartman's house.\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman makes himself a drink, adult-style: He has two liquor bottles, a bucket of ice, and two wine glasses. Why two? Hm... He serves himself some ice. A few seconds later, Kyle enters his room and slams the door shut\nCartman: Hello, Kyle. Dickhead!\nKyle: What's this about you going on live television on Saturday?!\nCartman: [serves himself some liquid] Yes. It's all finally come to fruition. [gently swirls the ice around] The final cog in my... master plan. [turns around to face Kyle] This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say ...horrible things on the air. [turns back and prepares a drink for Kyle] Despicable things. And people will call me brave.\nKyle: Cartman, there are people in the world who really have Tourette's Syndrome. This isn't funny!\nCartman: [takes the drink to Kyle] Not funny? I have free rein to say anything I want and you get into trouble if you try and stop me. Care for a Scotch?\nKyle: ...Scotch?\nCartman: [quickly gives him the drink in triumph] Kyle I've won! No matter how you look at it! I've managed not only to get away with saying whatever I want at school, on the bus, at the dinner table, but this Saturday I will actually say anything I want... on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.\nKyle: You are not going to go on national television and spew a bunch of hate speech about Jewish people! I won't let you do it, Cartman!\nCartman: Then the game is on, Kyle.\nKyle: It's not a game, you derelict! And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice! [Cartman looks at his drink]\nCartman: [walks back to make another \"Scotch\"] Do you have any idea how liberating it is to say whatever comes to mind? \"Big titties! Buttmunch!\" There's no walls anymore! \"Shit!\" Whatever enters my brain I can just say without thinking about it. \"I wet my bed last night.\" [realizes what just happened]\nKyle: What did you say?\nCartman: Uhh nuh-nothing...\nKyle: You aren't gonna get away with this you stupid asshole! [runs out of the room and slams the door]\nCartman: Hm. That was... weird.\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gultch, day. Inside, a crowd has gathered to watch this Dateline special. A banner hanging from the ceiling says \"WE'RE PROUD OF YOU ERIC!\" On a low stage are Mr. Mackey, Liane Cartman and Eric, Mr. Donaldson, and Principal Victoria\nMr. Donaldson: We are here today to congratulate a brave little boy. Tonight, Eric Cartman will go on television and become the spokesman for Tourette's Syndrome. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass! [applause rises from the crowd]\nThomas: The spokesman for Tourette's? Oh no... [turns his head to the right] Cock!\nCartman: [Mr. Donaldson adjusts the mic to his height] Thanks, everybody. Suck my balls! [applause rises from the crowd] You've all been so understanding and supportive of my illness. Jizz farmer dick sneeze. And it is because of you... that I have the courage to go on national television tonight. Titty sprinkles. [applause rises from the crowd]\nCraig: If I could say \"titty sprinkles\" on national television I would be sooo happy.\nCartman: And I also just want to say that... I'm making this all up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on?\nMr. Mackey: Uhit's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?\nCartman: No hey ut what, what I meant to say was \"asslicker cumballs.\" And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth]\nPatty: Eewwww!\nCartman: [clambors offstage] Uhuh, excuse me I, I need a toilet! Bathroom! Bathroom! [runs through the crowd]\nScene Description: The mens room. Cartman runs in and heads for the sink. Butters is pissing at the urinal and his pants are at his ankles. Cartman washes his face.\nButters: [does a double take and smiles] Uh hey Eric!\nCartman: [finishes up and looks at Butters] Butters, do you think it's possible that you can lose the ability to filter what you say? I mean, if somebody got used to saying whatever came to their mind, could they start saying things that they would normally never say?\nButters: Wuh who are you talking about?\nCartman: Uh, my cousin. My cousin one time my cousin and I touched wieners. [he covers his mouth in horror as Butters is stunned] Wah! [faces Butters]\nButters: You... you and your cousin touched wieners?\nCartman: I didn't say that YES I DID BUT WHY? Oh! Stop it! [runs out of the restroom]\nScene Description: The dining area. Cartman runs through the crowd\nCartman: Excuse me! Excuse me, I need to go! I gotta run!\nLiane: Is there a problem, sweetie?\nCartman: [turns around and faces her] No, no problem. I just need to- my cousin and I touched each other's [struggles to keep control] AAAA no, NAAAA! [he's got the crowd's attention] I just... no I... I just want to thank everyone for coming- my cousin and I touched wiener- we wiener we, weenter! Winter is a cold time of year. [now composed] Ah, I need to be going now.\nMr. Mackey: Well all right Eric. Well good luck on Dateline tonight.\nCartman: [apprehensive] Dateline. Right. [backs away but can't control his statements] I wet my b-AAA! I touched my cousin's WEE-NUH! This sure has been fun! G'bye! [runs out the door screaming with his hands firmly over his mouth]\nScene Description: KSPC Channel 4, an HBC affiliate, day. In his own office, Hansen rehearses his lines as the staff listens. A cameraman preps his camera\nHansen: Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrooome. I'm Chris Hansen. Mmh. I'm Chris Hansen.\nCartman: [rushes onto the set] Ah, Mr. Hansen? I'm afraid I can't do the show.\nHansen: Why not?\nCartman: My uh, my grandma just died, so I have to go to Memphis- That's not true. My grandma's fine.\nHansen: [rolls up his notes and motions Cartman to a stool] Why don't you have a seat?\nCartman: No I just need to get home. I'm not doin' the show.\nHansen: Go ahead and take a seat.\nCartman: [heads for the door] But I'm not gonna do the-\nHansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman backs up and sits on the stool, then puts his cap on the bar] What are you doing here?\nCartman: I'm, I'm telling you that I'm not doing the show?\nHansen: But you are doing the show.\nCartman: You don't understand! All of a sudden, I can't control what I say.\nHansen: Well of course you can't control what you say. You have Tourehhtte's.\nCartman: No! My Tourette's has gotten worse! Before I just blurted out cool stuff about Jews being lame and stuff. But now it's gotten really bad. [gets his cap and puts it on] So ah I'm sorry, but I'm not doin' the show, that's it. Goodbye. [hops off the stool and walks away]\nHansen: Why don't you take a seat?\nCartman: Oh, I don't wanna take a seat!\nHansen: Have a seat.\nCartman: [begins backing up] No, I'm just gonna go- [wonders how this is happening]\nHansen: Take a seat, right over there.\nCartman: [gets back on the stool and whispers to himself] How does he do that?\nHansen: You know, one tiiime, I was doin' a show called \"To Catch A Predator\". We almost caught this pedophile, but then he raaan from us 'cause he didn't wanna be on Dateline. Se we tracked him down to his hoouuse. And you know what he did? He shot himself. [Cartman is scared] It'd be a shame if... you didn't wanna go on Dateline. Be a shame if we had to track you down and you \"shot yourself\". [Cartman is more scared, and a series of expressions cross his face]\nScene Description: The program begins: \"Dateline \\living with tourette's syndrome.\"\nAnnouncer: Live, from our satellite studio in Colorado. This! ...is Dateline.\nHansen: Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrome. I'm [stretches his name out so it sounds like nails on a chalkboard] Chris Hansen. In a few minutes, you will meet little Eric Cartman, who wants the world to understand his affliction.\nScene Description: The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. Someone knocks on the door\nA Page: Five minutes, kid.\nCartman: Jesus Christ. How did I get myself into this? [walks to a nearby table and begins to pray] God? Please uh, I know I screwed up. I should have never pretended to have Tourette's Syndrome, but see, ah I get it now. You can't just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because, people don't wanna hear things like \"I touched penises with my cousin!\" [covers his mouth quickly] Ahaab, ahaabuh. And, and I learned, you especially can't say whatever you want on national television, 'cause, there could be kids watching. Please, God, don't make me embarrass myself on national television. You... must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right? Please, I need a miracle.\nScene Description: KSPC Channel 4, outside, night, moments after the program began. Kyle jumps into view wearing dark camouflage and a headset at the parking lot entrance\nKyle: Tango, this is Foxtrot. Are you in position?\nThomas: [using a walkie talkie] Copy Foxtrot. Tango in position. Awww shit!\nKyle: You sure you don't wanna back out?\nThomas: Nono, you were right. The fat kid is faking it! If he goes on TV, more people will think that having Tourette's is fun. Asshole shit!\nKyle: All right, then we go with the plan. Just like \"To Catch A Predator\". [a light brown car pulls in] The first guy is here. This is probably HotForBoys219. [the car stops and Thomas looks around]\nHotForBoys219: [walks up to Thomas] Hi, are you CuteBilly182?\nThomas: Yeah. I was chatting with you online. SHIT!\nHotForBoys219: [shaking with excitement] Oh God, I'm so turned on right now. This is your house? Your, your parents aren't home, are they?\nThomas: N-no, it's cool. Go on inside. I made brownies. SHIT! I'm just gonna slip into something more comf'table. COCK!\nHotForBoys219: [dances by] Okay. Cock! Don't take too long. [laughs and prances into the studio]\nScene Description: The studio set. The opening segment is finished.\nHansen: So now let's meet a child who haaas Tourette's Syndrooome, and who must fi- [the audience doors open and HotForBoys219 prances down the aisle laughing]\nHotForBoys219: Ho, whoa, wait a minute. This ain't no house.\nHansen: [stands up angrily] What are you doing?!\nHotForBoys219: [gasps and hides his face] Chris Hansen?! Oh no, it's a setup! I knew it!\nHansen: Sir, why don't you take a seat, right over there.\nHotForBoys219: Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perv! Whoa! [takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head. Nearby audience members move away, and the audience gets restless]\nHansen: Aw, not again.\nScene Description: The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. The door opens and Kyle walks in\nCartman: Kyle?\nKyle: Surprise, fatass!\nCartman: Kyle, what are you doing?\nKyle: I went online posing as a boy who would have sex with older men, and told them to meet me here. My plan worked perfectly! [car horns blare outside, and Kyle goes to take a look. The parking lot quickly fills up as drivers park and leave their cars.] Whoa.\nScene Description: Outside. Thomas sees the pedophiles coming and motions them into the studio\nPedo 2: [walks up to Thomas and waves a Wendy's bag in front of him] Hey, I brought you some Wendy's.\nThomas: Yeah yeah, go on in. There's a hot tub inside. STUPID SHIT!\nPedo 2: Score! [goes inside]\nScene Description: The studio set. The driver stops in his tracks\nPedo 2: Oh no, it's Chris Hansen! [drops his meal and shoots himself]\nAudience Members: Whoa! Who is that? What's going on?\nHansen: What the hell is going on?!\nPedo 3: Wait a minute. Oh God, it's Chris Hansen! [shoots himself]\nPedo 4: Chris Hansen! [shoots himself]\nPedo 5: Dateline?! [shoots himself]\nPedo 6: I knew it! [shoots himself]\nPedo 7: There aren't really brownies! [shoots himself. More pedophiles enter and kill themselves, and the audience begins rushing out of the studio]\nScene Description: Outside. Chris Hansen finds Thomas.\nHansen: Hey! Do you have something to do with this? Answer meee!\nThomas: Stupid shit! Cock! [more audience members rush by]\nHansen: What?! Nobody talks to me like that! Why don't you take a seat? Take a seat, right over there.\nThomas: Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart!\nHansen: Why, you lil- I'll, I'll tell on you! [leaves, and there are no other adults left]\nCraig: [walks up to Thomas] Wow, you're the coolest kid in the world. If I could call Chris Hansen an asshole-licking dickfart to his face, I would be sooo happy.\nThomas: You would?\nCraig: Could I just like, hang out with you sometime? Like, do your laundry maybe?\nScene Description: The studio set. It's dim, and Cartman and Kyle walk onto the set.\nKyle: [feeling triumphant] Take a look, fatass! I beat you! You aren't going on Dateline; what have you got to say now?! [Cartman is silent for a moment, then hugs Kyle and sobs. Kyle wasn't expecting this]\nCartman: Oh thank you! Thank you Kyle!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: I asked God to send someone to help me, and you came, Kyle! I love you man!\nKyle: No, I- I beat you!\nCartman: You totally saved my ass, Kyle. You must... really care about me. See you Kyle! I gotta get to a psychiatrist and learn to control what I say! [heads up the aisle and out of the studio] I got a golden ticket! Thanks to Kyle! I got a golden twinkle in my eye! [Kyle is alone on set, but Thomas comes up and stands next to him]\nThomas, Kyle: Aww shit!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, a patient's room. Randy is sitting on a bed as Dr. Doctor checks his vitals. Randy lets out a sigh of pain.\nDr. Doctor: Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated. [walks over to a table]\nRandy: [quite aware] Thanks for the news flash! I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?!\nDr. Doctor: Well, what food have you been eating?\nRandy: P.F. Chang's, mostly. [rubs his belly] Good stuff.\nDr. Doctor: I'm going to prescribe a laxative. [writes out the prescription and turns around] But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful.\nRandy: How painful is \"painful\"?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy is in the bathroom trying to crap. He strains and groans for a good long while.\nScene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying \"EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES\" shimmers after.\nRandy: Oh God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear] Whoa, hot! Hot hot! Whoaaa hot hot hot hot hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard as he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa hot! Hot hot hothothothot hot hot! [back in the bathroom. The stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo. [begins to sob from relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow... That... is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-... Hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?\nSharon: [opens the door and enters] What is it, Randy? Do you have any- [looks in the toilet] OH! [squeezes her eyes closed and covers them with her right arm] Randy!\nRandy: Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?\nSharon: [a view from behind the toilet] Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!\nRandy: Come on! That's pretty impressive! [Stan wanders in from the hall, and Randy calls him] Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this. [Stan walks closer to the toilet]\nSharon: Randy!\nRandy: [on bended knee next to Stan] Look what your old man made.\nStan: No way!\nRandy: Huh? Never seen one that big, have you?\nStan: No, never. [Shelly wanders in and looks in the toilet]\nShelly: Gross, Dad, sick! [turns around quick and leaves]\nSharon: All right, will you flush the toilet now?! [crosses her arms]\nRandy: [rises and leans over to flush the toilet. Stan steps out of he way] I'll try, but I don't think- [stand straight again] wait wait wait wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first.\nSharon: Why?!\nRandy: Well he's gotta see this.\nSharon: No, we are flushing the toilet right now-\nRandy: [turns around and blocks any access to the toilet] No! Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying!\nSharon: Oh, for the love of God, Randy! [turns left and leaves]\nRandy: Sharon, this is important! Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard. [spreads his left and hunches down in a defensive position]\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. It's open and the sound of men laughing is heard. Inside, the town's men are gathered for Happy Hour. Randy enters the bar\nRandy: Hey guys!\nGerald: Hey Randy.\nStephen: Oh, hey Randy.\nStuart: Are you feelin' better?\nRandy: Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now.\nJimbo: You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night! It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever.\nRandy: [being modest] Well I don't know about ever...\nRandy: I'm tellin' you this thing was the size of a freakin' football.\nRandy: [being modest] I guess it was pretty big.\nStuart: A football? That's amazing.\nStephen: I've never heard of one that big.\nGerald: [chuckles] Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think. [laughs. The other guys laugh, but Randy shuts up and looks around]\nRandy: [softly] It wasn't bigger than mine was.\nGerald: Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster! [laughs. The other guys join in]\nRandy: [softly] Mine... mine was bigger.\nGerald: I doubt it. [snicker]\nRandy: [looks around] You wanna see it?\nScene Description: Randy's study, later. Randy leads the other men in towards a covered display case. Present are Jimbo, Gerald, Skeeter, Stephen and Stuart. Randy takes off the wraps and steps back so the other guys could behold the greatness that is Randy's crap.\nStuart: Oh my freaking Lord.\nSkeeter: That did not seriously come out of your ass.\nRandy: Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece.\nGerald: Jesus...\nRandy: [feeling vindicated] That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald?\nGerald: It's... other-worldly.\nStephen: Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean, this might seriously be the biggest crap in history!\nRandy: [gets out a spray can of water] That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe. [spritzes the poop so it doesn't dry up and crack apart under the two lights it's under]\nSharon: [at the doorway] Randy Marsh!\nRandy: [quickly hides everything under the wraps] Aw crap!\nSharon: What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?!\nRandy: The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder.\nSharon: Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?!\nScene Description: Guinness Book of World Records, corporate office, day. In the secretary pool, a secretary picks up a phone\nSecretary: Guinness World Records America. How can I help you? [listens while typing with the right hand, then stops altogether] The biggest crap? We actually don't keep track of that record, sir. [listens] Because we don't want to. [listens] Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crap, and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification. [listens] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. [listens] You're welcome. [hangs up and resumes typing] Jeez, another one. [the phone rings again and she picks up] Guinness World Records America.\nRandy: [gets through. The other guys stand by the sofa] Uhh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh, and I believe I took the world's biggest crap. [holds a thumbs up. The other guys do as well]\nSecretary: [long sigh, then flatly] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. Their number is listed on their Web site.\nScene Description: European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office, Zurich, day. Majestic music plays. Inside, a woman and several men in judge's robes walk around chatting with other officials\nChubby Official: [hands a manila envelope to a balding gray-haired man] Herr President, take a look at this. [the president opens the envelope and looks at a picture within it] It is a crap sent to us from the United States.\nEFSM President: Very niiice. [it's a picture of Randy measuring the crap with a measuring tape and grinning at the camera] Has it been checked for accuracy?\nChubby Official: It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics!\nEFSM President: [serious] We'd better get on a plane. Right away. [smiles]\nScene Description: Randy's study, some days later. Three representatives of the EFSM Office are inside inspecting the crap as Randy watches on, and sniffing from time to time.\nEFSM President: Hm, enshnusen?\nChubby Official: Verron snusunarich.\nEFSM President: What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?\nRandy: Uhh, mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tso's Chicken... Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning.\nChubby Official: I believe I detect some cabbage as well?\nRandy: Ohh yes, I had a lot of kim chee.\nSharon: [at the doorway] You have got to be kidding me.\nRandy: [turns around and marches towards her] These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans! [the EFSM President joins Randy]\nEFSM President: It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.\nSharon: For the love of God!\nEFSM President: Your crap officially weighs... 8.6 Courics\nRandy: Courics...\nChubby Official: The standard measuring unit for human feces. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement.\nEFSM President: The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.\nRandy: But that means...\nThird Official: That's right. You are the new world's champion!\nRandy: Really?! Yuh, you mean, REALLY?! [jumps for joy] Hey Stan! I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody! [walks off]\nEFSM President: Well, I guess we'd better call the old champion and let him know his record has just been broken.\nScene Description: An awards ceremony.\nM. C.: He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards, and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause. Bono rises from his seat on stage and struts over to the mic. He grabs the award from the M.C., kisses his left index and middle fingers, and throws the kiss off to the audience]\nBono: [wearing a fancy straw cowboy hat] Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award; it means so much. [a phone rings and he looks around] Oh. Excuse me. I must be getting another award. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He answers it] Yes?\nEFSM President: Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken.\nBono: What?! That's impossible! How big was it?\nScene Description: The White House, day. An elaborate stage with three massive LCD screens is set up. \"Stars and Stripes Forever\" plays\nSenator: We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken. [applause. The Marshes are present. Randy is decked out in garlands. Sharon looks quite embarrassed. Jimbo, Gerald, Stephen, Stuart, and Skeeter are behind them]\nRandy: Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! He-hey Sharon!\nSenator: To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff. [makes way for the dean, who is also the president]\nBroloff: Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas-\nChubby Official: Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff! [whispers into his ear]\nBroloff: Das shpoitenhoff? [to the crowd] Ahhh ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono!\nPeople in Crowd: Oh! Bono? Cool!\nBroloff: Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?\nScene Description: The tape. Bono appears onscreen without his hat.\nBono: Hello everyone! I, am Bono. [\"BONO\" flashes on the screen a few times, then a short montage with real life photos of Bono performing and holding his awards follows]. \"Hello, hello, helloooo. Yeah yeah yeah yeah.\" [\"BONO\" flashes on the screen a few times more, then he speaks] For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa, and today, I have very exciting news. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.\nCrowd: Whoa!\nSharon: [lifts her head up] Bono?! [a black and white photo of Bono laying on his stomach while looking into the camera with his hands directing the viewers to the giant crap. The monster appears next to a Grammy award for comparison - the Grammy looks like a toy]\nBono: As you can see, it is one solid piece. [another black and white shot of him adoring his massive crap on a cushion flanked by two Grammys] It is my biggest crap to date, and I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless. [an exiting montage follows with the text \"BONO\" flashing on the screen.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!\nBroloff: You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is... 9.5 Courics! Congratulations to Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause]\nMan: Bo-no! Woo-ooo!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy sits on the edge of the back porch crying. Stan comes out to check on him\nStan: Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready.\nRandy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!\nStan: Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.\nRandy: [instinctively replies] You're welcome. [continues] And I just,.. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having ...meaning.\nSharon: Come on guys, lasagna's ready.\nRandy: [angrily] Oh. Lasagna's ready. [turns around] You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna... is ready! I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!\nSharon: What are you talking about?\nRandy: [walks up to her] You can say it, Sharon! I know Bono's better than me! I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?! Sorry that I don't have... billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!\nSharon: Randy, this is ridiculous!\nRandy: [offended] Oh, that's real mature, Sharon! Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?! Just a big joke! [Sharon avoids eye contact] Don't touch me! [pulls away a bit, then goes back inside the house]\nSharon: [to Stan] Can you believe him?! All this over what guy took the biggest crap!\nStan: You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand. [turns around and walks in]\nSharon: Wha? Wha?\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men are gathered there again for Happy Hour, but they're all depressed.\nJimbo: How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap?\nStuart: 'Cause he's Bono, that's why.\nStephen: But he could have faked it. It isn't fair!\nRandy: Doesn't matter. He's got the record now; there's nothing I can do.\nGerald: [slams his fist on the counter] Oh yes there is! You could do it again!\nRandy: [incredulous] What?\nGerald: Think about it: you weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time. Imagine if you actually worked at it!\nStephen: [getting enthusiastic] Hey. Hey that's right.\nRandy: Nooo. I can't go through all that again. It's too much.\nSkeeter: Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!\nStuart: With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of?\nRandy: [rises and heads for the door] Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap; I'll never take one that big again!\nStephen: Is it over, Randy?! We all saw that crap you took! That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it! Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did! And if you walk away now, you'll always... wonder... how big a crap you could have taken!\nRandy: [with some resignation] I would need a lot of help.\nGerald: That's what we're here for.\nJimbo: Come on, Randy, what do you say?!\nRandy: I say... [turns around] Let's give Bono a run for his money! [the other men are glad to hear this, so they mob him and talk about it] Yeah!! [shakes his head like a lion] YYEEAAHHHH!\nScene Description: CNN Headline News.\nAnchorman: Tonight, a possible attack on Iran may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East.\nSharon: Oh no.\nAnchorman: But first, the record for the world's biggest crap: will it again be broken?\nSharon: [disgusted and annoyed] Agh!\nAnchorman: Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap, spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's. [a shot of Randy feasting away on noodles, shrimp, crab legs, etc.].\nFemale Anchor: Is this really newsworthy?\nAnchorman: You just don't understand.\nFemale Anchor: You're right. I don't.\nAnchorman: [the camera zooms in on him] At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry, saying nobody has ever seen it in person. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy.\nScene Description: An African sunset. Bono dances down a dirt street in a slum, singing \"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...\" His phone rings and he answers it.\nBono: Hello, hello.\nBroloff: Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know.\nBono: He can't beat my nine and a half Courics!\nBroloff: Well he's going to try.\nBono: Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich.\nBroloff: Bono, we've never had that rule before.\nBono: I's the only way you can know 'e's not cheating! If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!\nScene Description: Back at Hell's Pass Hospital. Randy is looking quite bloated now, almost... pregnant.\nAssistant: Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first. [does this and lets it spread]\nRandy: Oooooo.\nAssistant: Okay, take a deep breath. [Randy takes the breath and the assistant puts the camera on the belly, then turns to the monitor to his right] I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about... 14 Courics. [Skeeter, Stephen, Stuart, Gerald and Jimbo are now shown in the room with smiles on their faces. Jimbo is sitting on a chair near the bed holding Randy's hand.]\nJimbo: Fourteen?! [grins]\nStephen: That's great, Randy!\nRandy: Can I, can I see it?\nAssistant: Sure. [swivels the monitor towards Randy] This is your colon, a-and here... [softly, warmly] is the feces growing inside your belly. [a musicbox begins to play as Randy marvels at his poop]\nRandy: Ahhh...\nScene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying \"EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES\" shimmers after.\nGerald: [rushes into the room] Guys, we have a problem! [the Emmy and banner disappear] I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.\nRandy: In Zurich?\nGerald: They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied.\nAssistant: I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester.\nScene Description: Bono's mansion, big enough to be a hotel. Stan is at the front doors, ringing the bell. A butler opens the doors.\nStan: Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?\nButler: Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller! [two doors fly open and Bono dances out of a ballroom]\nBono: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [stops in front of a mirror] Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going. [puts on his hat]\nStan: Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap.\nBono: Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right?\nStan: That's kind of what I'm here for: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just... letting my dad have this one?\nBono: [turns around to face Stan] Let him have it? Why would I do that?!\nStan: Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.\nBono: [walks over to his trophy section and whips out a trophy containing an open magazine.] I have the first-place trophy for that.\nStan: [a bit shocked] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and, you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of... fuck off?\nBono: [puts the trophy down and goes back to the mirror] I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter.\nStan: All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1. A-and you can still be number 2.\nBono: [insulted] Number two?! NUMBER TWO?! [he turns around and charges towards Stan, grabbing him. He then throws Stan up against a gold record on the wall and holds him there]\nStan: Agh!\nBono: Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!\nStan: I take it back!\nBono: Say I'm not number two!\nStan: You're not number two!\nBono: That's right! I'm not! [releases him and dances back to the ballroom, singing away.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [The butler returns]\nStan: What is wrong with that guy?\nButler: Your father is in grave danger. Come with me! [Stan follows him out]\nScene Description: EFSM Office, Zurich, day. In the main lobby, Randy is on a toilet made for this occasion, pushing hard to get that poop out, but it's taking a while... He takes several quick breaths to try again... He pushes hard again. Bono is present for the delivery.\nChubby Official: It must be quite a crap.\nJimbo: Come on, Randy. You have to push! [Randy takes several more quick breaths and pushes...]\nScene Description: The German Autobahn. Bono's butler zooms down the road with Stan riding along\nStan: What are you saying?! How do you know my dad is gonna die?!\nButler: Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before!\nStan: So Bono's newest record is a lie!\nButler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.\nStan: So?\nButler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder...\nStan: He's the record.\nButler: [whispers] Yes.\nScene Description: EFSM Office, Zurich. Randy has yet to squeeze it out.\nRandy: [in frustration] I can't do it! I can't do it!\nAssistant: The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean!\nRandy: But then, does it still count?\nBono: Oh no! The biggest crap means you crapped it out!\nBroloff: I believe that's true. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but, if you cannot crap out the crap, it's not really a crap.\nRandy: [sobs] No... Nooo...\nJimbo: There there Randy, you... You gave it your best shot.\nRandy: I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon? [she walks up to him]\nSharon: [pissed off] What?!\nRandy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. Sorry I can't crap like Bono.\nBroloff: Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact.\nBono: I had a feeling it would be.\nStan: [runs in] Wait! Stop! Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours.\nBono: Get him out of here!\nThird Official: What are you talking about, young man?\nStan: Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record!\nBono: It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead!\nBroloff: It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth.\nChubby Official: Herr Broloff, what do you know of this?\nBroloff: It's true, I'm afraid. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken.\nBono: Poppa no! Say nothing more!\nBroloff: Come to me my... darling precious child. [Bono sobs and walks over to him. Broloff hugs him] After I had broken the record I took the crap home. I was so proud of it that I... decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child.\nBono: No Poppa... No Poppa...\nBroloff: [strokes his hair] There there, my little crap. [props Bono's chin up] Don't cry. [unbuttons his coat, vest, and shirt] Here, do you want the biddy? Hm? [holds his left breast out to Bono] Does Bono want the biddy? [Bono whimpers and begins sucking on the teat] Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?\nStan: Dude.\nBroloff: I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up! Into one of the most influential figures of our time. [looks down] Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy.\nBono: Biddy. [keeps sucking]\nBroloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really... a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.\nStan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.\nChubby Official: You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff.\nBroloff: Have I?! [pops Bono off his tit. Bono tries helplessly to return to the tit and suck on it] Look at the crap I took all those years ago! Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight! No matter how you look at it he IS still the record!\nRandy: Oh God, here it comes! [everyone gathers around him again, even Sharon] Ohhh hot-hot-hot-hot! HOTTT-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot! Hot! Hot! [he poops, and begins to rise and spin as the poop piles on] Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot... [finally stops. Beneath him is a pillar of poop almost six feet tall]\nThird Official: My God...\nChubby Official: It must be over a hundred Courics!\nStan: Dad, are you all right?\nRandy: Yeah, I'm... [looks down at his accomplishment] I'm good! [arms akimbo] Feel a lot better.\nScene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying \"EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES\" shimmers after.\nChubby Official: [approaching] Mr. Marsh, we apologize, and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy. [the banner disappears, but the official reaches out and grabs the Emmy. He walks over and jams it into the pillar of poop. Everyone claps except Stan and Sharon.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The forest outside South Park, day. The camera pans down from the trees and settles on the forest floor, on which Cartman appears, followed by Tweek. Cartman is dressed like a lumberjack, with flannel shirt, vest, and rope.\nCartman: All right, let's try over here. [points straight ahead. Jason appears behind them] Set up traps there, and there as well. [points right] Last time I saw him he ran right through here. [moves, revealing Stan further back. Cartman moves to his left, and Kyle is seen sitting on a fallen tree]\nKyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story.\nCartman: [sets up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story, it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?\nClyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by. [behind him are Jimmy, Jason, and Craig hoisting the net into place]\nCartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out. [Tweek joins Stan in the background]\nKyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home!\nCartman: O-ho no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember?! [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie: What's your six, Blackie?\nToken: [pissed off] ... I don't want the code name Blackie.\nCartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie! Check your six and alert when in position! [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire.]\nKyle: This is fucking retarded!\nCartman: Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechauns shows up you must suck my balls! Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire]\nKyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me ten dollars! Now just pay up and stop being stupid!\nCartman: [whispers loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!\nButters: [stands on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him. He answers in a subdued manner] This is faggot. Go ahead.\nCartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance North to North East. Check back in five.\nButters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope] Waagh.\nKyle: Okay, that's enough. [hops off the tree and walks forward] Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!\nCartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showin' up this time!\nKyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fatass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!\nButters: Uh, I got somethin'! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's uh... Oh jeez I thnk it's a leprechaun!\nCartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys]\nStan: Dude...\nJimmy: Fuh, fuck me, it's a leprechaun.\nCartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and all the boys except Kyle, who is dumbfounded, give chase] Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive! [the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in.]\nButters: Wow.\nStan: Cool.\nCraig: No way.\nToken: Whoa.\nJason: Wow.\nCartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Eugh! Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole, where's the gold?!\nLeprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be an attack!\nCartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow! [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]\nStan: Where'd he go? [the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]\nLeprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him away and disappears]\nCraig: Dude.\nCartman: [walks up to Kyle and clears his throat] Kyle, suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]\nScene Description: SOUTH PARK KYLE SUCKS CARTMAN'S BALLS THE TRILOGY\nScene Description: The dining room. The family is at dinner, eating silently. Kyle has got something on his mind, as he's not eating.\nKyle: Dad, where do leprechauns come from?\nGerald: [not skipping a beat] From Ireland.\nKyle: So... why would one come to America to warn us about a terrorist attack?\nSheila: Kyle, leprechauns aren't real. You're almost nine now; you need to understand the difference beween real and imaginary.\nKyle: I thought I did. [the doorbell rings and Sheila rises to get the door]\nCartman: [walks in with the contract and a camera] Ohhh, Ms. Broflovski, how are you this fine evening?\nSheila: Oh,hello Eric. [leads him to the dining room] Kyle, your friend is here.\nCartman: Hello, Mr. Broflovski, Ike. Nice evening, isn't it? Well Kyle, shall we go up to your room for a few minutes.\nKyle: [gets off his seat and stands between Cartman and the table] Get out of here, Cartman, we're eating dinner!\nCartman: Uhh, Kyle, I believe a certain someone is supposed to put a certain set of balls in their mouth.\nKyle: I'm not doing it, fatass!\nGerald: Doing what?\nCartman: We had a deal, Kyle!\nKyle: Just get out of here!\nCartman: [walks up to Kyle] You signed an agreement, Kyle!!\nKyle: I don't care if I signed an agreement!\nGerald: Ah hey now Kyle, if you made a deal with somebody, you have to stick by it.\nCartman: Thank you, Mr. Broflovski.\nGerald: What was the agreement?\nKyle: That if he could prove leprechauns exist, I would suck his balls.\nSheila: Whatwhatwhat?!\nCartman: And there was a leprechaun! You saw it, Kyle!!\nScene Description: A neighborhood clearing, day. Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny are working on a massive snow sculpture. Kyle walks up to them.\nKyle: Hey dudes. [the boys stop and pay attention]\nJimmy: Hey Kyle. So, ...how was it?\nKyle: How was what?\nJimmy: Sucking Cartman's b-balls.\nKyle: I didn't suck his balls, all right?! And I'm not going to!\nStan: [walks up to him] Dude, why did you ever agree to suck his balls in the first place?\nKyle: Uch, I didn't think there would actually be a leprechaun! And I still don't! Why would a leprechaun be warning us of a terrorist attack?! There's another explanation for all this.\nFanciful Mayor: [dressed in a Southern Victorian outfit, polka-dotted yellow pants, and curled shoes] Excuse me. Have you boys seen a leprechaun anywhere lately?\nStan: ...What do you know about the leprechaun?\nFanciful Mayor: Ooooo, then you did see him. [twirls] That's splendiferous! I want you to tell me everything he said. Where was he? What was he doing?\nKyle: All right I've had enough! Leprechauns are imaginary!\nFanciful Mayor: Well of course they are. But just because they're imaginary doesn't mean they're not real. Haven't you boys ever used your imagination? [whips out a striped cane and turns to Stan] You young man! How would you like to be a cowboy? Or a- swashbuckling pirate? [moves over to Kyle] And you! How would you like to be an astronaut, faaar out in space? All it takes is a little... [taps his head with his left hand] imagination.\nStan: Who the hell are you?\nFanciful Mayor: Still not convinced, eh? I tell you what, boys. What say we all take a ride on my... Imagination Flying Machine? [before them appears an elegant red blimp with four smaller yellow balloons from which hangs a small wooden ship with three wheels underneath it for landing on solid ground]\nKyle: Dude.\nFanciful Mayor: Hop aboard, kids. I have something to show you.\nButters: Uhhh, are you gonna rape us?\nFanciful Mayor: [confused] Ubeuh... uh... n... no?\nButters: Ah, all right then.\nStan: Come on, guys. [the others follow him, with Butters trailing.]\nButters: Watch it, fellas. I'm pretty sure this guy wants to rape us.\nFanciful Mayor: All aboard the Imagination Balloon! [sounds the boarding bell and lifts off as the boys draw up the rope ladder.] Some people feel imagination isn't real, but I tell them that they're wrong, 'cause whenever I want to play and pretend, I just sing the Imagination Sooong [the song consists of the one word \"imagination,\" repeated. The ship floats lazily over the countryside, then over the Platte river and a bridge, then over another river flanked by meadows and woods, and ever higher into the sky, then over the Rockies].\nKyle: [at his limit] Are you gonna take us somewhere or not?!\nFanciful Mayor: Oh- Ohhh. But my boy, we're already here.\nScene Description: Imaginationland, where whatever fantastical creatures you could imagine exists. There are two moons and two pointy stars in the sky and mountains whose tops bend over like witches' hats. There are castles everywhere with flags atop them. As the Imagination Balloon floats in, a flying giraffe is shown, as is a flying city, a griffin, an elevated tram and its cars, and many, many creatures strange and familiar. The creatures all turn to see the ship and follow it to its landing\nThe Boys: Whoa...\nStan: What is this place?\nFanciful Mayor: This... is Imaginationland. [a yellow rocket flies in and lands on its own] It's where all the wonderful and goofy things that humans have made up over the years live together. [more of the land and its inhabitants are shown, and the balloon finally lands in the middle of town. The Mayor climbs down the rope ladder] Citizens of Imaginationland! We have distinguished guests from the world beyond! [the creatures ooo and aaa about them]\nCheetara: Hello. [the boys climb down. Butters is excited]\nLollipop King: [a walking lollipop with a crown and lollipop scepter] Welcome to Imaginationland. I am the Lollipop King.\nMr. Tumnus: [bows] We are honored to have Creators in our kingdom.\nFanciful Mayor: Now, good news, everyone! These boys did see the leprechaun! [the creatures jump for joy]\nPat the Hammer: What did he tell you? Did he have any news?\nStan: [hesitantly] Well he said there was gonna be a- ...that there was... gonna be a-\nA Terrorist: [runs in out of nowhere] ALLAH!!! [he stops, rips open his jacket, and shows off the bombs strapped to his body]\nFanciful Mayor: [closeup] OH FUCK NO! [the terrorist sets off the bomb as everyone else leans back. The explosion sends creatures flying everywhere, with some of them dying as their bodies fall apart. Charlie Brown is blown away, losing his left leg below the knee.]\nCharlie Brown: Awwwgh! [falls on his face]\nCheetara: [running past Stan] AAAAAH!\nScene Description: Stan is battered and looks for shelter. He finds it under a giant mushroom. He is now in a daze and time begins to move slowly for him. He watches as Raggedy Ann tries to revive a destroyed Raggedy Andy, but it's no use. He then turns to see Santa set ablaze and set two moon-bellied sneetches on fire. The action takes on a war-ravaged tone as Ronald McDonald finds he's lost his right arm. He sees it on the floor and walks over to pick it up with his left hand. He winces, then sees a large building go up in flames as burning creatures run about. An explosion sends the building's tower crashing down in front of the building. The terrorist fires away with his automatic machine gun. Stan begins to recover as he puts his cap back on. A faun runs past him in the background, and Kyle arrives. His lips move slowly and Stan doesn't know what he's saying.\nKyle: [above all the noise] Stan, we have to get out of here!! [Jimmy is with him. The three take off. The terrorist appears behind them, but doesn't see them. Kenny joins the group as a dragon drops down from the sky.]\nDraco: Quickly boys! Get on my back! [the boys climb on and Draco takes off]\nButters: Fellas! Fellas wait! [the boys look back at Butters, who is running up to them as fast as he can] Hold on, fellas!\nStan: Butters.\nButters: Don't leave me, fellas! Come back! [a terrorist knocks him down with the butt of his gun, then kicks him around. Two other terrorists join in]\nKyle: Dude! [the terrorists keep kicking Butters around]\nButters: Hey guys!\nThe Boys: Butters!\nScene Description: The Broflovski House, morning. Kyle wakes up startled in his room and sits up.\nKyle: A-ah! A-a-ah! Wha? Where...? Oh. Oh dude. Oh, it was just a dream. It was all just a crazy dream. Huh, oh my God. [gets out of bed and walks off]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Stan is eating cereal at the breakfast table when the phone rings.\nStan: [picks up] Hello?\nKyle: Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.\nStan: No no I I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay Mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters live?\nKyle: [speechless, then] ...And then it got attacked by terrorists?\nStan: Yeah! How'd you know?\nKyle: Dude! I had the same dream! We jumped on a dragon's back and, and Butters got left behind!\nSharon: [enters the kitchen] Stan? Stanley? You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you? [with her are Butters' parents. Linda is distraught]\nStan: Why?\nLinda: Our darling Butters never came home last night.\nKyle: What did they say??\nSteven: We don't wanna jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again, and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There there, darling.\nKyle: [hearing the crying] ...Dude...\nScene Description: The Pentagon, Washington D.C., day.\nGeneral Deckter: [serious] Ladies and gentlemen, I have dire news. Yesterday, at approximately 18:00 hours, terrorists successfully attacked... our imagination. [the other officials there look around and murmur at each other]\nMan 1: Our imagination?\nWoman 1: [behind him, with gray hair] How?\nSpecialist: The imaginary attack appears to have been in the works for years. The effects of the attack are so far... unimaginable.\nGeneral Deckter: We've intercepted this videotape the terrorists made for broadcast. Luckily we've kept it from being broadcast to the public. [clicks on a remote control, and the video appears onscreen. The Fanciful Mayor is on the ground with a blindfold on. A Care Bear sits to his right with a blindfold on as well. The terrorist starts speaking, then backs up to shoot a Care Bear in the head]\nFanciful Mayor: No! It's just a Care Bear! [a terrorist knocks him down with the butt of his gun. A fairy godmother walks up to check on him]\nMan 2: Oh my God.\nGeneral Deckter: [fast forwards the tape] Later in the video we can see another imaginary hostage; this one reading a forced statement.\nButters: [reading the statement at gunpoint] Praise to the mighty Allah. His divine grace a-and will have brought forth this day. [a terrorists brings forth a severed bear head to show the viewers] Oh jeez! [the terrorist withdraws] Uhhh, nnow see, your safety is at our whim. This is the price you pay, America! You have defiled Allah, and now we will turn your imagination against you! Death to the Infidels! [there's no more to read] Can I go now? [two terrorists come up and drag him away. The one wearing a vest takes the statement away from Butters.] Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here?? [the tape is stopped]\nGeneral Deckter: Gentlemen, the terrorists appear to have complete control of our imagination. It's only a matter of time before... our imaginations start running wild.\nScene Description: Colorado State Courthouse, day.\nCartman: [as the plaintiff, with a lawyer] I believe a serious blow to democracy has just been dealt. [Kyle is the defendant, without a laywer] A travesty has occurred, and I want justice! Kyle Broflovski did willingly and knowingly sign a contract, and yet, to date, he has made no effort, nor does he show any intention, of ever sucking my balls! [the judge can't believe what she's hearing] I've given him ample time to fulfill his obligation, and he has thus refused. I stand before you with dry balls, Your Honor. I've provided witnesses, collected testimonials, and still, my balls remain dry. I want what I'm entitled to!\nJudge: [looks over the contract in front of her] Mr. Broflovski, did you agree to orally imbibe Mr. Cartman's scrotum and testicles?\nKyle: I...\nJudge: [shows Kyle the contract] Is this not your signature on the contract?\nKyle: Uh... W-uh... but... Come o- come on! Really? I mean, aren't there more important things going on right now?\nJudge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubicle sac in your mouth, and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds.\nCartman: [pumps his left fist] Yesss!\nJudge: You have twenty four hours to suck aforementioned balls. If after that time you still refuse, the court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case! [lowers the gavel. The camera is in a position to see it block Kyle from view.]\nCartman: Thank you Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me, this is a victory for the justice system. And my balls.\nScene Description: The Pentagon, Washington D.C., day. General Deckter and four of his top people sit opposite a dark-skinned man. There are other people present\nGeneral Deckter: What I am about to tell you is highly classified. Two days ago, Muslim terrorists hijacked our imagination. [the man is now shown close up] Frankly we don't know what their next move is or how to stop them.\nSpecialist: In times like these the government often turns to Hollywood for help. You creative filmmakers can think of idea we just can't.\nGeneral Deckter: That's why we've asked you here, M. Night Shyal-amalam. [the camera zooms out a bit and shows the name tag in front of the man: the director M. Night Shyalaman] The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, all very clever films. But can you use your amazing idea brain now to help us stop the terrorists?\nM. Night Shyalaman: What if... [the top officials lean in] What if it turns out they aren't terrorists? But they're actually werewolves? From the future?\nGeneral Deckter: N, no. No, they're terrorists. They've been linked to Al Qaeda.\nM. Night Shyalaman: But what if Al Qaeda, it turns out, is the group being terrorized? By aliens?\nGeneral Deckter: No- No. That's not an idea, that's a twist. We need ideas.\nM. Night Shyalaman: How about we make everyone think that terrorists attacked us? But really, we were all already dead.\nGeneral Deckter: [to the specialist] Get him out of here. [M. Night Shyalaman is hauled away, only to be replaced by...] Mr. Bay, can you think of any idea how to outwit these terrorists?\nMichael Bay: I believe I can. [the officials get their pens ready to write] We start... by making a big CG building and then we have a meteor go CROSSHH! [makes a diving motion with his left arm] and it, and it's all like CRAAWWWLL [simulates an explosion with his arms] a-and motorcycles burst into flame while they jump over these helicopters, right? [has his right hand go over his left arm like a motorcycle over a helicopter]\nGeneral Deckter: [firmly] No no! We need ideas how to stop the terrorists!\nMichael Bay: An eighteen-wheeler spins out of control and it's all like BROSSHH [makes a crashing motion with his right hand] And then this huuuge tanker full of dyna- [launches into a series of explosions]\nGeneral Deckter: [fed up] Those aren't ideas, those are special effects!\nMichael Bay: I... don't understand the difference.\nGeneral Deckter: I know you don't. Get him out of here! [next in the chair is Mel Gibson] Aaand being that we are all big Mel Gibson film fans, we thought maybe you could help us.\nMel Gibson: [twisting his hipples hard] Ah, my nipples, they hurt! They hurt when I twist them!\nGeneral Deckter: [dismayed, drops his head into his left hand] Yes, uh, I don't suppose you have any creative ideas how to fight these terrorists?\nMel Gibson: How about this? You have that tape that the terrorists made, right? Well, maybe if you did a background check on that videotape, you might find somebody who doesn't belong. Somebody who doesn't fit in Imaginationland![twists his nipples again] Ohhh!\nSpecialist: Heyy... that's not a bad idea.\nGeneral Deckter: Yeah. Say what you will about Mel Gibson, but the son of a bitch knows story structure. Get the videotape and do a background check on everyone in it!\nMel Gibson: [twists his nipples from the excitement] Oogh! Yess! [grins]\nScene Description: some hours later.\nSpecialist: All the imaginary characters in the tape were identified, sir. Count Chocula, Cinderella, Snarf from Thundercats... But here. [clicks. Butters is shown in full] Nothing in American folklore or storytelling match this kid. He appears to be... just some kid. [zooms into Butters. The last few seconds of the tape are replayed: \"Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here??\"]\nGeneral Deckter: [determined] I want digital imaging and resource magnification done stat! [slams his right fist into his left hand] If that kid isn't imaginary, I want to know who he is, where he's from, and who his friends are!\nSpecialist: Yes sir! [leaves, and General Deckter is alone in the meeting room with Butters' image]\nGeneral Deckter: [walks up to the screen and stares intently at Butters' image] Who are you?...\nScene Description: Imaginationland, the aftermath. Butters and the Mayor have been released and join the survivors. Mighty Mouse sits on a talking suitcase, Link tends to Tumnus. Other survivors are the Flash, the Wild Thing, H.R. Pufnstuf, Count Chocula, Orko, Pat the Hammer, Cinderella, Totoro, and Humpty Dumpty\nButters: Uh, excuse me? Uh Mr. Terrorist, sir? [a shot of the terrorists arming the rocket from the beginning of the episode] Uh, I'm actually not imaginary, a-and um, my p-my parents are gonna ground me if I don't get back- [one of the terrorists says something to him and cocks his gun] Aaah! [holds out his palms and backs up to join the survivors] Okay, sorry. Uh sorry.\nPat the Hammer: Can you tell what the terrorists are doing?\nFanciful Mayor: They're going something to Rockety Rocket.\nRockety Rocket: No! Leave me alone! Haaa!\nCinderella: It doesn't make sense. What do they want with Rockety?\nFanciful Mayor: The only reason they would- [shuts up upon a realization] Oh my God. They're gonna blow up the Barrier!\nButters: Uh what's the Barrier?\nFanciful Mayor: The wall! The wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side! [the wall, which is rather low, is shown. Beyond it is a dark place, full of lightning and unknown dangers]\nRockety Rocket: No! No you can't blow up the barrier! Are you insane?! [the terrorists talk amongst themselves]\nCinderella: We can't let this happen.\nSuitcase: It will be the end of Imaginationland.\nPat the Hammer: Yeah. You have to stop them, kid.\nButters: Me?? Woo, what am I supposed to do?\nFanciful Mayor: Don't you get it?! If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out and take over Imaginationland for good! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!\nButters: [frightened] Waaahaa!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's the the whole house decked out for a party. A lush Arabian party. Persian throw rugs are spread out all over the floor. The sofa has been converted into a royal litter. His classmates mill around drinking juice. Cartman enters the living room dressed as a sultan\nCartman: Thanks for coming, everyone. The big moment is almost here, as soon as Kyle arrives.\nCraig: He's not gonna show up to suck your balls dude.\nCartman: He has to. He's been ordered by the court.\nClyde: Hey, he's here. [the kids turn to face the front door. Stan and Kyle walk towards the house together]\nCartman: What? Move aside, move aside! [moves through the crowd to the door]\nStan: Dude, do you really have to do it?\nKyle: Let's just get this over with!\nCartman: Yes, come on in, peasant Kyle, and pay homage to this sultan's balls.\nKyle: God damnit!\nCartman: Yehehehesss. Yehhhs! [the sound of helicopters ruins the moment as Cartman's smile vanishes and he looks around. Stan and Kyle turn around and see the helicopters. Police cars and government vehicles converge on Cartman's house as the copters land. General Deckter, specialist, two soldiers, and two security guards pour out of the helicopter]\nSpecialist: That's them, sir. Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski.\nGeneral Deckter: You boys need to come with us on a matter of national security.\nKyle: Who are you?\nGeneral Deckter: There's no time! You need to come with us right now! [prods the boys towards the waiting helicopter]\nCartman: [runs up and grabs Kyle's free hand] Hey, let go of him! [Kyle is now in a tug of war between Cartman and General Deckter]\nGeneral Deckter: We aren't going to hurt your little friends. We just need information.\nCartman: No! No, he has to suck my balls! [loses his hold on Kyle and falls to the sidewalk on all fours. He gets up and runs after the helicopter, which takes off quickly. All the other vehicles pull out. Cartman runs down the street a bit] NO! KYYYYLE! [loses his turban]\nScene Description: Imaginationland. The terrorists make the end run with Rockety Rocket towards the Barrier.\nRockety Rocket: No! Noooo! [Butters comes into view to stop them]\nButters: Hold on! Hold on a second! [the terrorists screech to a halt] Now, you really should think about this. I mean, uh, I I know you think attacking our imagination will get you somewhere, but will it really? If you destroy that wall, all the most evil parts of our imagination are gonna break loose, but... will it really make you terrorists feel better? Maybe it's time for us all to just... get along.\nTerrorists: [having had time to think about it, they give their answer] ALLAH!! [they charge forth with Rockety Rocket toward the door, then push him forward. Butters jumps out of the way.]\nRockety Rocket: AAAAAAAH! Jesus Christ, no!! [reaches the door and blows up. The terrorists cheer and fire away into the air. Butters gets up near the survivors]\nFanciful Mayor: That was your plan to stop them??\nButters: Y-yeah, and that's not a heartfelt speech?\nFanciful Mayor: That's fucking stupid! [the ground begins to shake under them as rumbles come from the evil side of Imaginationland. The terrorists stop firing. Cracks appear on the door. The Mayor says with dread] They are coming... [the door falls apart. \"TO BE CONTINUED\" appears over the action]\nScene Description: The desert, day. An oil rig moves east. The cab is red with a white stripe. Cartman is inside with the driver\nDriver: Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhikin'\nCartman: Yeah well, when a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger.\nDriver: You goin' to Washington to visit family?\nCartman: I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice, then you learn that the only real justice... [looks at a picture of Kyle] is the justice you take. [to the picture] Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls. [runs his finger over Kyle's mouth]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Previously on South Park.\nCartman: [voiceover] Previously on Battlestar Galactica [clips from last week's episode follow]\nStan: What is this place?\nFanciful Mayor: This... is Imaginationland.\nA Terrorist: [runs in out of nowhere] ALLAH!!! [the terrorist sets off the bomb as everyone else leans back. The explosion sends creatures flying everywhere, with some of them dying as their bodies fall apart.]\nKyle: [above all the noise] We have to get out of here!!\nButters: [running up to the boys as Draco takes off with them] Hold on, fellas!\nThe Boys: Butters!!\nGeneral Deckter: Terrorists have just attacked... our imagination.\nFanciful Mayor: [to Butters] If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out!\nTerrorists: ALLAH!! [they charge forth with Rockety Rocket toward the door, then push him forward. Butters jumps out of the way.]\nRockety Rocket: No!! [reaches the door and blows up. The terrorists cheer and fire away into the air. Butters gets up near the survivors]\nScene Description: EPISODE II\nScene Description: The screen brightens, and a bedroom is shown. A music box plays as the camera pans to the left. The bed is shown, and Butters is asleep in it.\nScene Description: Butters' room, morning.\nStephen: [voiceover] Butters, time for breakfast.\nButters: Buh, huh, but... Oh jeez, it was just a dream.\nStephen: [enters with Linda, who's holding a plate] Come on, Butters. Mom's cooked waffles and nanas for you.\nButters: [chuckles with relief] Hoho! Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it.\nStephen: You are in Imaginationland. This is a dream.\nButters: Huh?\nFanciful Mayor: [breaking into the dream] Hey, wake up, stupid! [the bedroom transitions into Imaginationland] Come on, wake up, kid!\nButters: [wakes and stands up] No, wait! Uh I was back home in bed!\nFanciful Mayor: NO! You passed out and peed your pants!\nCinderella: Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out! [monsters from the evil side pour through the broken wall. The survivors from the terrorist attack turn and run away]\nButters: Oh hamburgers! [the terrorists fire off their guns, but a monster wipes them out]\nFanciful Mayor: Everyone! Fall back to the Gumdrop Forest! [catches up to Butters] Come with me, little boy! I'm going to get you home! [an Alien jumps into view and jumps around the Mayor]\nButters: WAAAA! It's Alien! [points to the Xenomorph, which grabs the Mayor, lifts him up, and attacks him from behind and pierces right through him, killing him instantly. Butters runs away, only to be spotted by a Predator with laser sights. Butters avoids the lasers] Predator! Wha? [an army of Imperial Stormtroopers head his way. A heavy footfall behind him alerts him to Jason Voorhees's presence. He jumps] Huh? [Jason takes out his machete and slashes at him, but Butters ducks it and runs away] WAAAAAH! HAAAAAAAA! [geometric shapes and Tribbles join the fray]\nScene Description: The Pentagon, day. General Deckter and his specialist interrogate Stan and Kyle in the same room the directors were in previously. General Deckter paces back and forth.\nStan: Look, we already told you everything we know. Some guy just showed up in a big balloon and took us into Imaginationland.\nGeneral Deckter: [stops and places his hands on the table] What we want to know is how! We need to find a way into Imaginationland; you've been there! How did you do it?!\nKyle: We just... went on a balloon ride.\nSpecialist: There must have been some kind of portal or doorway.\nStan: Dude, we don't remember.\nGeneral Deckter: Do you realize what's goin' on here?! Terrorists have attacked our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild! [wags his left index finger at them] You'd better start remembering!\nSpecialist: It was the Chinese, wasn't it?\nKyle: ...What?\nSpecialist: We've suspected that the Chinese government was working on a doorway to the imagination. [wags his right index finger at them] Is that where you were?!\nStan: No.\nGeneral Deckter: That's it, isn't it?! Where do the Chinese keep this portal? How does it work?\nSpecialist: It is better than ours?\nStan: Your what?\nSpecialist: Our portal to the imagination built as a secret project back in 1962 to fight the Soviets-\nGeneral Deckter: [puts his hands on his hips] Shhh! Tom! That's super-secret.\nTom: [a bit chagrined] Ohh, I'm sorry sir.\nKyle: Wait. The U.S. Government has a portal to the imagination?\nGeneral Deckter: Aw, see? Good job, Tom! Why don't you just tell them everything about Project X?!\nTom: Yes sir. [to the boys] We built a portal to the imagination to use against the Russians during the Cold War, but we never got a-\nGeneral Deckter: THAT WAS SARCASM. I was being sarcastic, you fucking idiot!\nTom: [more chagrined] Aw jeez, I'm really sorry sir.\nStan: If you already built a doorway to the imagination, then why do you need us?\nGeneral Deckter: [turns his back to the boys] All right, we might as well show it to them. [whispers] God-dammit, Tom.\nScene Description: Darkness.\nCartman: [voiceover] Every night, the dream is the same. [a field of grain pops up with purple mountains in the background. Cartman walks in smiling and holding the contract] I'm on my way to visit my friend Kyle, because we had a bet that if I could prove leprechauns were real, he would suck my balls. [Kyle is standing in the field, and Cartman walks up to him] And it turns out I was right. \"Time to pay up, Kyle.\" [Kyle's name echoes into the distance] But then... [Kyle turns around with his mouth sewn shut] \"NO! NOOO!\" [Cartman rises into the air and the field fades to black] It's been taken from me. I have dry balls. Balls so dry they explode like dust. [he floats through the darkness. His right testicle pops and dissolves into the air. His left one does the same, and there's no penis left either.]\nScene Description: In a bus. Cartman shakes himself awake\nElderly woman: You okay, kid?\nCartman: NO. I've got dry balls. And I'm running out of time.\nScene Description: The Pentagon, the portal. The technicians prepare the portal\nGeneral Deckter: Ever since the Cold War, the U.S. Government has been working on a secret project to build a doorway into the imagination. It is called \"Project Imagination Doorway.\"\nStan: That's not very imaginative.\nGeneral Deckter: According to all the tests and the data, the doorway should work, but... it never has.\nLead tech: But we're close, sir. We're real close.\nGeneral Deckter: They've been saying that for over forty years.\nLead tech: [walks up and stands next to General Deckter] You're the ones, right? The kids who have been in the imagination.\nKyle: Ah I guess.\nLead tech: What was the sequence that got you inside? We know there's some kind of... resonance code, but we can't figure it out.\nKyle: Look, we're sorry, you guys, but the balloon just went up in the air and the dude sang a song and we were suddenly there.\nGeneral Deckter: Song? You didn't say anything about a song before.\nLead tech: What song?\nStan: The Imagination song?\nLead tech: That could be it. The fractal converter has never worked because it was waiting for a multitonal code!\nGeneral Deckter: Quick boys: how does the Imagination Song go?\nStan, Kyle: [unsure of the notes] Imaginaaaation Imaginaaaation\nOperator: Sir, uh I'm getting some electrofeedback from the gate. Ih it's weak, but it's nanoresponding to something.\nLead tech: [urgently] Was there more to the Imagination Song? Ha, how does the rest of it go?\nStan, Kyle: Imaginaaaation. Imaginaaaa-\nKyle: No, no dude, it went up there.\nStan: Imagina-he-hey-\nKyle: Imagina-eh\nStan: [to General Deckter] Dude, we don't remember. It was really long and stupid.\nGeneral Deckter: I'm just about through playing with you boys! We're running out of time! You have to remember that song in its entirety! [Stan and Kyle look at each other.]\nScene Description: The Gumdrop forest. The Mayor is flat on his back, still alive, but with heavy blood loss. He gargles in trying to move. The Lollipop King and Butters gather around him.\nLollipop King: Mayor, Mayor, what are we supposed to do?\nButters: Please, sir. I have to get home to my world.\nFanciful Mayor: Oh, well. All you have to do is tap your heels together three times.\nButters: Really?\nFanciful Mayor: NO, you fucking dipshit, that was a joke! [groans for a few seconds more]\nSnarf: Mayor, what are we supposed to do, shnarf shnarf?\nFanciful Mayor: Get to Castle Sunshine! It's your only hope!\nLollipop King: Castle Sunshine?\nFanciful Mayor: Through the Gumdrop Forest. Others will be hiding there; go, run! Look out for the evil characters! They're assembling on the Yum Yum mountain! [groans once more and dies]\nScene Description: The evil characters have gathered in a clearing in the woods of Yum Yum mountain.\nOrc: We are free! Now all of Imaginationland is ours!\nThe Minotaur: Not all, foolish orc! There are still parts of Imaginationland we don't control.\nFreddy Krueger: Tomorrow, we shall build our own castle right on this spot!\nThe Minotaur: Who put you in charge, Krueger?! I am the most evil character here!\nManBearPig: [half bear, half manpig] Nonsense! [somehow, he's been spliced together and brought to life] Your evil is stale!\nHeadless Horseman: [holding a flaming jack-o-lantern on his left hand] I am the most evil imaginary character! [Krueger hisses]\nSquirrelly Squirrel: [hops into view] Now come on y'all. We shouldn't be fightin', we're supposed to all be on the same side. [the rest of the Woodland Critters arrive]\nCritter: Yeah. You're all right, Squirrelly Squirrel.\nWoodland Critters: Yaaaay!\nThe Minotaur: What evil imaginary characters are they?\nCreature from the Black Lagoon: They were dreamt up by some fourth grade kid as part of his Christmas Story..\nSquirrelly Squirrel: Now come on y'all. We can't waste time arguing, there could still be survivors out there. We need to hunt them down, and kill them.\nRabbity Rabbit: And eat their flesh!\nBeavery Beaver: B'hut first we should rape them!\nBeary Bear: How about we kill them, and then rape their bodies so we can use their blood as lubricant?\nSquirrelly Squirrel: Say, that's a great idea, Beary Bear. [the Critters cheer and jump for joy]\nJason Voorhees: [to Khan in a campish voice] Man, I do not want to meet the kid that dreamt THOSE things up.\nScene Description: The Mall at Washington D.C., Day. Cartman has arrived and is on a pay phone.\nCartman: Look, I want some Goddamn answers! You brought my friend here to Washington! Where is he?! What is going on?!\nSecretary: [at the Pentagon] I'm sorry, sir. That information is classified.\nCartman: Something is going on, and I have a right to know where my friend is!!\nSecretary: [sees Tom arriving] There's somebody asking a lot of questions about what's going on.\nTom: Let me handle this! [takes the receiver] I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as Project Imagination Doorway! [listens] Imagination Doorway. It was started in the Sixties as a secret government project. Right.\nScene Description: The portal inside the Pentagon, day. Stan and Kyle rehearse the song, singing better on key than before.\nStan, Kyle: Imagina-a-ation, Imagina-\nStan: Waitwaitwait, maybe that's where he went really flat, like that half-step key change? Imagina-ation.\nKyle: Right, then it was \"Imagina-ation, Imagina-ation. Imagina-atio-on\" [the lights dim and the portal begins to glow. The boys are confused for a moment, then face the portal with the other people present]\nLead tech: It's open! It's open!\nOperator: Getting readings from the other side... the, that's it. We've made an opening to our imagination, sir! [the officers and techs all cheer and hug each other. Stan and Kyle stand there, awed]\nGeneral Deckter: All right, that's enough! We've still got a lot of work to do, people! Its time to go in and get our imaginations under control!\nScene Description: The Gumdrop forest. Butters walks with Snarf and the Lollipop King along a multicolored road. Huge gumdrops line the road on either side\nButters: How much further to Castle Sunshine?\nSnarf: Snarf, I'm not sure snarf snarf. I've never been. [a female scream stops them in their tracks]\nButters: What was that?\nLollipop King: [walks to his left into the woods] Over here. [the other two follow and peer over some bushes] Oh Christ. Its Strawberry Shortcake. [in a clearing, Strawberry Shortcake sits on a stump, tied up so she can't move. Many evil characters surround her, ready to do her great harm]\nStrawberry Shortcake: Please, let me go. [the Headless Horseman kicks her] Wuh. [Frankenstein's Monster kicks her] Wuh! [an Imperial Stormtrooper smacks her around with his rifle] Dugh! [Jason walks up and put his knife under her eyes...]\nSnarf: Oh my God! Snarf. [and scoops out her left eyeball.]\nStrawberry Shortcake: Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!\nThe Minotaur: Now kill her!\nSquirrelly Squirrel: [the Woodland Critters show up] Whoa whoa, hang on, y'all. You can't just kill her. That's not evil enough.\nFreddy Krueger: What do you mean? We cut out her eyeball.\nJason Voorhees: Yeah, that's super hardcore.\nSquirrelly Squirrel: Now come on y'all. We can do better than that.\nBeavery Beaver: Hey! I know! Let's all pee in her empty eye socket!\nDeery Deer: Let's make her eat her own eyeball, and then pee in her empty eyesocket.\nBeary Bear: How about we get someone with AIDS to pee in her eyesocket, so she dies all slowlike? [the other Critters cheer at the idea]\nThe Minotaur: Nobody here has AIDS!\nWoodland Critters: Awwww!!\nBeary Bear: But we've got to have AIDS before we pee in her eyesocket!\nSquirrelly Squirrel: Now don't be down y'all. I bet we can find some AIDS out in the forest. [the Critters scatter in renewed enthusiasm]\nLollipop King: Dude, run, run, ruuun! [Butters and Snarf leave quickly, and he follows]\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. Some army troops in camouflage arrive and the techs finish up preparations. General Deckter paces in front of the soldiers.\nGeneral Deckter: All right, men. We don't know what you'll experience on the other side of this doorway, but it will most likely be really weird. If you reach our imagination, you are to take every step necessary to get it under control! Are you ready?\nSoldiers: Yes sir!\nGeneral Deckter: Are you ready, Kurt Russell?\nKurt Russell: [dressed in camouflage like the others] I... I don't understand why I'm here. I I'm just an actor.\nGeneral Deckter: Yes, but you were in that one movie that was kinda like this. That gives you more experience than anybody. All right, here we go! Men! Forwaaard!\nTech 1: Sir, we have a security breach!\nGeneral Deckter: What?!\nTech: There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two!\nGeneral Deckter: Sector Two?? [a large window at the far end of the room shatters as Cartman tumbles in, landing on his back. Everyone turns to see him]\nKyle: Cartman??\nCartman: [gets up quickly and marches towards Kyle] Hello Kyle! Thought you could get out of your responsibilities, huh?!\nGeneral Deckter: Who the hell are you?!\nCartman: That kid you have made a bet that if I could prove that I saw a leprechaun, he would suck my balls!\nGeneral Deckter: Get him out of here!\nCartman: [some guards seize him and begin to drag him away] No! Hold on a second! [they stop and let him go] I have a contract [holds it out] validated by the United States court system!\nGeneral Deckter: Let me see that! [a guard takes it from Cartman over to General Deckter, who reads it over] Why would you agree to suck someone's balls?\nKyle: I didn't think there was going to be a goddamned leperachaun!!!\nGeneral Deckter: All right, you two can go use the conference room. Go on, we have work to do here.\nKyle: [stunned] Wha?! Well wait, ahah I wanna see what happens here!\nDeckter: You signed an agreement, kid. We don't have time for this. Go on and do it.\nKyle: [looks at General Deckter, than at Stan] Stan?\nStan: Dude, you did make a deal... [Kyle has run out of appeals and reluctantly follows Cartman out]\nCartman: Theee conference room is which way? [smiles]\nScene Description: Conference room, later. Cartman and Kyle sit facing each other.\nCartman: Here we are, Kyle. You tried to bail out on our agreement, but I found you.\nKyle: I didn't \"bail,\" I got picked up by the government!\nCartman: Well we're here now, that's all that matters. [brings up a small cup of mixed nuts] Care for some nuts? Oh, that's right. I guess you'll be chock full of nuts in a few minutes.\nKyle: Cartman, do you even know what's going on? We went to Imaginationland, terrorists attacked it, and now the government is about to-\nCartman: [cuts him off with a loud yawn and hops off his chair] Oh jeez, I'm sorry, Kyle. [walks towards a tripod and sets a camera on it] It's just that I'm so completely bored by this story. See, I'm really only interested in the part where the leprechaun was real, and so you have to suck my balls.\nKyle: Okay, fine. You know what? Let's just get it over with!\nCartman: Oh nonono, nononot so fast, Kyle. [starts unzipping a duffle bag] I've waited a long time for this, and I intend to savor each and every second. [pulls out a purple robe]\nKyle: No, I'm serious! I wanna see what's happening downstairs, so let's just do it! [pounds the table with his left fist]\nCartman: [puts on the robe] Not... just yet, Kyle. There's still a few things I need to do. [pulls out a crown and turns to face Kyle] By the way, I should tell you that I haven't had a chance to shower while making my way up here. My balls are... [puts on the crown] extra vinegary...\nKyle: Just get to it already!\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. The soldiers move slowly towards the portal. General Deckter walks up to the lead tech\nLead tech: Entering the portal in five seconds.\nGeneral Deckter: Kurt Russell, can I get a comm check?\nKurt Russell: Check 1, 2.\nGeneral Deckter: Good luck men! Godspeed! [the soldiers walk up the ramp and through the portal] What do we have?! Kurt Russell, can you hear me?\nKurt Russell: [voice only] We're here. We're s-somewhere.\nTech 3: They are inside the imagination, sir.\nGeneral Deckter: What do you see in there?\nKurt Russell: There's lots of... big mushrooms, colorful grass, some castles in the distance, eh... Wait. Something's coming for us! It's coming out of the bushes and- [everyone braces for the worst] It's a-! ...Oh, Aw, it's just a cute little squirrel. [Everyone relaxes. Stan draws a sigh of relief] Hey, it talks, haha. The little squirrel talks.\nLead tech: Awww, an imaginary talking squirrel.\nTechs: Awww.\nGeneral Deckter: Ask the squirrel what it knows about the terrorist attack.\nKurt Russell: Wait a minute, eh. The squirrel has friends. Oh why, why it's a whole bunch of woodland critters.\nStan: Wait, woodland critters... [begins searching his memory]\nKurt Russell: There's a talking bear and a beaver, uh... the, they seem to be Christmas critters. Well hello. Yes, hi.\nStan: Get them out of there!\nGeneral Deckter: What?\nStan: Tell them to get away now!\nGeneral Deckter: What's the matter?\nKurt Russell: Oh the... cute little bear's eyes are starting to glow red now... Uh hello there, little animals, do you happen to know how to huh? OW! AAAAAAAHHHH!\nGeneral Deckter: Kurt Russell, what's going on?!\nKurt Russell: They're raping mee!! They're raping meee!!!\nGeneral Deckter: Get out of there, Kurt Russell!\nKurt Russell: They're raping all of us! Whoaho! Oh it hurts! They're raping us and it huuurts! Waaagh!\nScene Description: The conference room. Cartman fine-tunes the camera position.\nCartman: I was thinking of using a high-speed shutter with a low depth of field. What do you think?\nKyle: Goddammit Cartman, will you stop wasting time? I wanna get this over with!\nCartman: No, you're right, Kyle. A higher depth of field will make sure everything stays in focus. [sets the depth] There we go. [smiles, then returns to his seat] Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun, or are you just gonna try and focus on how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth?\nKyle: Let's just do it!! [pounds the table with both fists]\nCartman: In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball-famished? Balls-starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment you are actually- [a red alert interrupts him]\nGuard: Everyone to the main hall now! Go!\nCartman: Uh, no, no, we're not done in here yet.\nGuard: Everyone to the main hall now!! [Kyle heads for the door and out behind the security guard]\nCartman: No! Goddammit, no!\nScene Description: The Gumdrop Forest. Butters, the Lollipop King, and Snarf continue down the Rainbow Road.\nSnarf: Boy snarf snarf, my feet are really gettin' tired snarf.\nButters: Aww, Sn-Snarf, could you maybe like sh-shut up for five minutes?\nLollipop King: Wait! There it is. We made it! [a rather impressive complex looms before them] Castle Sunshine! [they rejoice at the sight, but a hissing sound follows] Hurry! Get inside! [they run towards the castle]\nPerseus: The evil imaginary characters are approaching! Lock down the gates! Prepare to fire the cannons! [more survivors walk in]\nButters: Wait! Waaait! [the trio reach the castle gate and Perseus stops them with his sword]\nPerseus: What imaginary character are you?!\nLollipop King: The Lollipop King? From the Lollipop Forest?\nSnarf: And I'm Snarf. Snarf, snarf snarf snarf.\nPerseus: [to Butters] And what imaginary character are you?\nButters: Oh, uhh, uh I'm not imaginary. Ah I'm Butters.\nPerseus: What's a \"Butters\"?\nSnarf: The Mayor brought him and some other kids into Imaginationland just before the terrorist attack.\nPerseus: So YOU came from the real world at precisely the same time as the terrorists! That seems like quite a coincidence!\nButters: I, well I was just playin' with my friends, and then, wu-we caught a leprechaun, and then this guy-\nPerseus: You caught the Leprechaun? Take him!\nSnarf: Perseus! He's not against us snarf snarf!\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. The portal has begun to act violently. Lightning shoots out from the portal and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away.\nGeneral Deckter: Talk to me! What's going on?! [the guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]\nLead tech: Something is... coming through the gate from the other side. [a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]\nOperator: What is it?!\nTech 4: Its like a... half man half bear!\nLead tech: And half pig! [ManBearPig grabs a tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]\nTech 5: Oh! No, no wait! It's like a half bear half manpig! [ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards General Deckter. Everyone scatters]\nGeneral Deckter: Look out! [ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]\nLead tech: No! I think it's more like a half man, and half pigbear! [ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]\nGeneral Deckter: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!\nKyle: AAAHHH! [runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]\nStan: KYLE!! [a fading tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its left hand for several seconds]\nKyle: AAAAAAAAAAAA- [ManBearPig lets go of Kyle as the tractor beam fiinally pulls it in. Kyle lays on the floor, blue in the face]\nScene Description: Castle Sunshine, inside. Perseus leads Butters, Snarf, and the Lollipop King down the main hall as two Tron soldiers escort them.\nButters: Please! I didn't help the terrorists get into Imaginationland! Honest!\nPerseus: That is for the Council of Nine to decide!\nLollipop King: Don't worry, kid, the Council of Nine consists of some of the most highly-regarded imaginary characters in all Imaginationland\nScene Description: The meeting room. At a triangular table sit nine imaginary characters. On the left side of the table are Gandalf the Grey, Glinda the Good Witch, and Morpheus. On the right side are Zeus, Luke Skywalker, and Popeye the Sailor. Sitting on the third side with their backs to us are Jesus and Wonder Woman. At the opposing vertex sits Aslan the Lion\nAslan: Fellow Council, these are indeed dark times. The evil forces amass at our gates as we speak. Zeus believes we should evacuate.\nZeus: Yes. Their power outmatches ours. If they are giving us a chance to leave we must take it!\nAslan: And what say you, Morpheus?\nMorpheus: How our we to know that they will let us go? Their offer could be a trap.\nGlinda: Perhaps we must flee to the Temple of Alderon. Surely they wouldn't chase us there.\nJesus: [rises] No, we can't. Come on, you guys, this is our home. We have to fight, to keep it the way it was meant to be.\nLuke Skywalker: I'm with Jesus. The evil characters aren't going to just let us go.\nPopeye: [Says something, but it's unintelligible]\nJesus: That may be, Popeye, but we don't have a choice! [the doors open and the Council looks to see who's entering]\nPerseus: Forgive my intrusion, Council of Nine, but this boy has infiltrated from the real world.\nAslan: Bring him here!\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. Paramedics have arrived to check on Kyle. One of them tries to resuscitate him with a defibrillator.\nParamedic: Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles and announces] I'm sorry. He's gone.\nCartman: No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]\nParamedic: I'm sorry, young man.\nCartman: Kyle?\nParamedic: Well... at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.\nCartman: [enraged] NNNOOO! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!\nGeneral Deckter: He's gone, little boy.\nCartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt for better contact] Do it!\nParamedic: Charging.\nCartman: DO IT! [the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body] Come on buddy.\nParamedic: Clear.\nCartman: Come on buddy. [the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.] Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Godammit Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fu-hight! Fu-hu-hight! [pounds Kyle's chest hard] Fight! [Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily.] Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth.] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]\nScene Description: The meeting room at Castle Sunshine. Butters now stands on a platform in the middle of the table\nAslan: I believe this child was brought into Imaginationland for a reason. Perhaps the Mayor knew something we don't.\nZeus: What are you saying, Aslan? That if we are to take back control, we might-?\nMorpheus: Yes. If we are to take back control from the evil forces, this little boy might be the key.\nButters: Awww, I'm the key? Could I not be the key, Morpheus? I don't wanna be the key.\nLuke Skywalker: If you ever wanna see your home again, little boy, you'll have to rise to this challenge.\nButters: But I, but I'm supposed to be at school right now, uh, and instead I got, I got Snarf and Popeye and Luke Skywalker all pissed off...\nAslan: It is a dark time for all of us, young boy. But know that if you believe in yourself, everything will turn out all right.\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. A large missile is being wheeled into place.\nTom: Sir? Are you sure about this?\nGeneral Deckter: We have no choice. Terrorists have attacked us where we are most vulnerable. There's no other option. [the missile is in place] We have to nuke our imagination. [the missile is lifted and tilted]\nScene Description: A hospital room. Kyle is resting. A few gifts lie near him. Cartman rises from under the bed with his crown and robe on and contract in hand\nCartman: Wake up, Kyle. [Kyle wakes up to a smiling Cartman]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Imaginationland. Recaps from the other two episodes follow. First scene: Arrival at Imaginationland\nAslan: [voice only] Imaginationland... used to be a happy place. But then the terrorists attacked. [a shot of a terrorist blowing himself up, killing many imaginary creatures] And so many of us were killed. [a shot of Santa on fire, then a shot of the Barrier falling apart] The Barrier came down, and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. [the evil characters pour through the Barrier. Next shot is Strawberry Shortcake being kicked by the Headless Horseman, then by Frankenstein's Monster. Aslan now appears] Now our final battle will take place. The evil characters are marching toward us with the intent to wipe us all out. [various shots of evil characters on the march]\nBeavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh? [the other Woodland Critters whoop and holler]\nAslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot win. [a shot of Popeye honing swords, then a shot of Luke Skywalker handing swards to imaginary creatures. Totoro gets one, then a robot] Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, [Donatello puts a helmet on Snarf's head. Wonder Woman hands a sword to a doll character] must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, [Mario takes a full-sized sword and walks away with it without a problem. Superman walks off with a battle axe. A smurf tries to take a sword, but has trouble moving it once it's on the floor. Another character takes a spear] but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. [walks over to Butters as other members of the Council look on] Only you can help us win this battle.\nButters: Wuh, what can I do?\nAslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.\nScene Description: EPISODE III\nScene Description: Static appears on screen, then clears up to a security camera clip of ManBearPig attacking Pentagon officials after entering the real world through the portal. After ManBearPig rips the lead tech in two, the tape is halted\nAl Gore: [voice only] Back it up! [the footage is rewound to the part where ManBearPig attacks the tech in blue dress shirt, then stopped.] Look! [points to ManBearPig] Right there! [the tape plays normally] See that?! [the tape stops again where the lead tech is ripped in two] What does that look like to you?! It's ManBearPig! [now onscreen wearing his Nobel Prize medallion] I told you it was real! [three officials watch him from a table in his office] Look again! [fast forwards, then stops when ManBearPig picks up Kyle] There! half man, half bear, and half pig! Do you see it?!\nOfficial 1: Yes, we see it, Mr. Gore.\nAl Gore: Something big is going on, and the American people need to know what! I'm off! [makes like he's flying away like Superman]\nScene Description: Washington D.C. Memorial Hospital, day. Kyle is resting in a room, and his doctor is in the hallway talking to another doctor.\nDoctor: He's recovering, but there's been some trauma to his brain. The boy says he's been hearing imaginary voices.\nScene Description: Kyle's room. A closeup of him in bed\nStan: [in Kyle's head] Hello? [Kyle's eyes open and blink] Hello? Anybody? [Kyle's eyes dart around]\nKyle: Stan? [sits up and looks around]\nStan: Hello?\nKyle: Stan?\nCartman: [comes in smiling with a covered platter on a food cart] Good morning, Kyle. How are we feeling?\nKyle: Cartman, what's happened?\nCartman: What's happened? Well, let's see: You bet me that I couldn't prove that leprechauns were real. And if I could prove it, you had to suck my balls, I believe.\nKyle: No, I mean what happened at the Pentagon?!\nCartman: [smiles] You just rest, Kyle. [takes the lid off the platter] Look what I made for you. A sundae. It has hot fudge and whipped cream and a cherry- [suddenly pondering] but... I feel like something is missing; don't you, Kyle? [taps his chin] What else belongs on a sundae besides hot fudge and whipped cream, [real softly] let's see\nKyle: Arh!\nCartman: Hot fudge, whipped cream, what else belongs on a sundae, Kyle? [turns towards the sundae] What else goes on a sundae besides hot fudge,whipped cream, and ...oh, that's right! [faces Kyle with a determined face] My balls!\nKyle: Cartman, what is going on out there?! What happened to Stan?!\nCartman: Oh, he got sucked through that portal thing and they're gonna nuke it now. [takes off his cap and begins to pull out yet another costume] So are you all set for your big photo shoot, Kyle?\nKyle: Wwait, what do you mean? Stan's in danger?\nCartman: [now in papal robes] Don't try to change the subject, Kyle. [puts on the papal tiara and pulls the camera and its tripod into place] You've done a really good job of getting out of this bet, but it's finally time to settle. Get ready for your sundae, Kyle. With extra nuts. [closes his eyes and smiles]\nScene Description: Castle Sunshine. Aslan stands guard on a bridge overlooking the fields outside the castle.\nJesus: [arriving with Perseus and the Lollipop King] Aslan, the evil characters are almost here!\nAslan: Get everyone to the battlefield! Defend the castle walls! Quickly young boy, we need your powers now!\nButters: What powers? Ah I don't understand.\nGandalf: You are real. You are a creator. That means you can imagine things into existence here.\nButters: I c-I can?\nAslan: Santa Claus was killed in the terrorist attack. The first thing we need is for you to bring him back.\nButters: How?\nGlinda: You just have to focus your mind. Imagine Santa and nothing else.\nButters: How am I supposed to focus with all this crap goin' on?!\nLuke Skywalker: Think only of one thing. Imagine it. Believe in it.\nGandalf: Whatever is most prominent in your mind will come to be. [Butters closes his eyes to focus, and soon something appears before him. He opens his eyes and sees his father]\nSteven: [arms akimbo] Butters! [Butters cowers in fear] You are grounded, mister! You hear me?! [suddenly with a deformed leg, elfin ears, horns, and claws instead of fingers, and a deep voice] GROUNDED!\nButters: [runs around in circles and then shakes his head is disbelief] AAAAAAAAA! No, nonono, no no no! [Steven vanishes]\nAslan: [in Butters' face] What are you doing?! We need Santa!\nButters: I'm trying!\nWonder Woman: [arrives and kneels down next to him] Come on, kid, imagine Santa! Believe in Santa!\nZeus: You must believe in Santa!\nAslan: BELIEVE IN SANTA! RIGHT NOW!\nButters: GAA HAA!\nScene Description: Kyle's hospital room. Cartman has called in some workers to install a photo studio, consisting of a blue background with clouds, and a small platform with a throne on it. On the right arm rest sits the sundae. Two spotlights and light reflectors round out the setup. Cartman tests a remote control for the camera, and it works.\nCartman: Kevin, can I get some more bounce off that too, 'kay? Let's just go with a 5 6 8 split\nKyle: Cartman, will you shut up? I'm trying to find out what's going on.\nScene Description: Channel 5 Breaking News.\nAnchorman: A new terrorist attack seems to have taken place. This time, in our imagination. [the footage of ManBearPig's killer rampage is shown, with the dialog cut out] Al Gore brought this video to the public's attention, sparking demands by everyone who wants to know exactly what's going on.\nScene Description: Pentagon Press Conference.\nGeneral Deckter: We were hoping to keep this quiet until it was all over, but, two days ago there was a terrorist attack on our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild.\nReporter 1: Our imaginations are running wild and we weren't told?!\nGeneral Deckter: By attacking our imagination the terrorists have found our most vulnerable spot. And we've determined that the best course of action is to nuke our imagination.\nReporter 2: Is nuking our imagination really prudent?\nReporter 3: Aren't there other, more peaceful ways to get our imagination under control?\nReporter 4: Couldn't we trying sending Kurt Russell into a portal to our imagination to try and reason with the-\nGeneral Deckter: We tried that! And Kurt Russell was raped by Christmas Critters!\nReporter 5: ...A-ooch\nScene Description: Channel 5 Breaking News.\nAnchorman: The Pentagon claims that because imaginary things are not real, the military doesn't need Senate approval to nuke them.\nScene Description: A protest in Washington D.C..\nHippie 1: That's bullcrap, man! You can't nuke our imagination!\nHippie 2: Don't nuke our imagination bro! WOOO!\nScene Description: Channel 5 Breaking News, commentary.\nAnchorman: Mike, does the military have the authority to nuke our imagination?\nMike: Uh clearly they don't, Steven, and they're gonna have a big problem because state government has already set a precedent that imaginary characters are real. I cite a famous case of Cartman v. Broflovski in which a U.S. court found for the plaintiff who saw a leprechaun.\nAnchorman: Yes, I believe the defendant had to suck the plaintiff's balls in that case.\nMike: That's right, Steven, yeah.\nScene Description: Kyle's hospital room. Kyle keeps watching. Cartman continues his preparations\nKyle: Oh for the love of God!\nStan: Hello? Can anybody hear me?\nKyle: Stan! Dude, is that you?\nStan: Kyle? Where are you? I, I don't see you.\nKyle: No, I'm not there. I'm at a hospital. I I'm hearing you in my imagination.\nStan: ...Oh that makes sense.\nKyle: Dude, what's happening?\nStan: [walking down the rainbow road] I'm in like a gumdrop forest. I just saw Strawberry Shortcake tied up and dead with pee in her eye. [some moaning horns are heard] Ha-hang on. I think something really big is about to go down.\nScene Description: The battlefield. The two sides appear, approaching each other. A man in only striped pants and shoes plays a horn\nLollipop King: The evil characters are here. [Jesus and Robin Hood join him, Jesus ready to fight with his sword]\nJesus: There are so many of them. HAAAAA! [lifts his sword to strike position as the other good characters crowd in. The two sides start fighting, and Waldo is impaled by both sides]\nScene Description: Jesus takes on Pinhead and decapitates him. As the battle rages, the six remaining Council members watch along with Butters\nAslan: There's no time left! You have to get control of your imagination and bring Santa back NOW!\nButters: Santa. Saaanta.\nLuke Skywalker: Think. Jolly old Santa. Red suit, white beard.\nButters: Red suit, white beard... Ssssanta! [Poof! Santa appears, but he's horribly deformed. The toys in his toy sack are deformed as well. Butters screams and turns away]\nScene Description: Kyle's hospital room. Cartman is now on the throne, and Kevin is behind the camera\nCartman: How does that look? Can you see my balls and the sundae in frame?\nAnchorman: [everyone turns to watch the TV] A shocking new development in the nuking of imagination!\nScene Description: The Supreme Court, outside.\nChief Justice: The Supreme Court has ruled with the military that imaginary things are officially not real, and therefore no approval is needed to nuke them.\nGeneral Deckter: Thank you.\nKyle: Oh no.\nChief Justice: This of course overturns any imagination-based verdicts in the past, including the famous Cartman v. Broflovski ballsucking case.\nCartman: ...What?\nSteven: So it appears the military is ready to proceed with its operation, one they are calling \"Operation Nuke the Imagination Through the Imagination Doorway.\"\nStan: Kyle? What's happening?\nKyle: The government is gonna nuke Imaginationland.\nStan: What?! You can't let them do that!\nKyle: What am I supposed to do?\nStan: Dude you have to stall them! [Kyle doesn't look too sure] Uh- ...uh oh, what is that? Hey! G-get out of here! Leave me alone!\nKyle: Stan? Stan?? [gets out of bed and puts on his clothes]\nCartman: Where are you going?!\nKyle: I'm going to try to save Stan and Butters from getting nuked!\nCartman: Okay okay, but you you have to suck my balls first real quick.\nKyle: No, I don't! The decision was overturned. [walks out of the room]\nCartman: [follows him out and watches him walk away] We had a DEAL KYLE!\nKyle: [walking towards the entrance] Yeah, that leprechauns were real! And the government just declared they AREN'T technically real, so I was right! It's over! I don't have to suck your balls!\nCartman: IT ISN'T OVER!! [Kyle turns to face him] It isn't over, Kyle! I have NOT waited this long to see you weasel your way out of this bet! Go ahead and go. But I swear on my life! Before this day is over! You, will, suck my balls! I SWEAR IT!!\nScene Description: Castle Sunshine. The battle rages on. Popeye punches Akuma away, then punches Khan away. Darth Maul whips out his double-ended light saber, but Popeye disarms him and punches him away. Morpehus lands a kick on Freddy Krueger.\nMorpheus: [calling out to the Council members on the bridge] I need more spinach for Popeye! [Freddy gets up and swipes at him, sending him into the air and onto his back. A Tron soldier dispatches Jason Voorhees with a swing of his spear]\nTron Soldier: I-ee got one. I got him. [the Woodland Critters approach]\nBeary Bear: Hey there. [the soldier turns around and Bear Bear blows his head apart with two laser beam blasts from his eyes. The Woodland Critters cheer him on. ]\nIcarus: [flying in from the battlefield, lands on the bridge] We're losing the battle! There are simply too many of them!\nAslan: Then the day is lost.\nWonder Woman: Wait! Aslan, look! [Aslan looks over. Butters is thinking hard again, and Santa returns, as normal as he ever was. The Council members draw closer to Butters]\nSanta: What? What happened?\nLuke Skywalker: You did it, kid!\nAslan: Quickly Santa! They need you on the battlefield!\nSanta: Huh? [discerns the situation] Oh, all right. [grabs a golden axe and leaps over the wall] Make way for Santa! [lands on the field below, then swings the axe at the Minotaur, who falls down. The axe stays buried in the ribs]\nAslan: Now you see your potential, young creator. But there is still much more we need from you if we are to win this day!\nScene Description: The Pentagon, day. Kyle arrives at a parking gate. Two armed guards are there, and three more guards are in the background in front of an entrance.\nGuard 2: [sees Kyle and aims his gun at him] This area is restricted, little boy.\nKyle: Please, I need to talk to the people inside. They can't set off that nuke.\nGuard 2: Get behind the line with the other protesters! [Kyle looks, and it's the same group he saw on television moments before]\nHippie 3: No nukes in our imagination, bro! Wooo! [the other hippies cheer him on]\nKyle: Uhn, you don't understand! My friend is in Imaginationland! I can hear him in my head!\nGuard 2: You pot-smokin' hippies aren't gettin' through here, so back off!\nHippie 4: Stop that nuke!\nHippies: Stop that nuke!\nHippies and Kyle: Stop that nuke! [Al Gore appears out of nowhere, making like he's Superman about to land]\nAl Gore: What's going on here? [no one says a word, and he \"flies\" around a bit more] The military has to do this! It's their only way to kill ManBearPig. [\"flies\" off]\nScene Description: Castle Sunshine. The battle continues. A pegasus fights a witch while a flying monkey does battle with the flying giraffe. On the bridge, Butters keeps imagining new characters into existence. A yellow furry archer appears and shoots an arrow right off the bat, then fires a second one\nAslan: Good, Butters. Now imagine some more archers on the castle walls!\nButters: Huwhoa! [Perseus appears on the bridge with a bad wound on his left arm]\nPerseus: Aslan! We're losing the battle!\nRobin Hood: [with a bleeding wound on his right arm] We managed to fight off the vampires and werewolves, but... now our troops are being shot down by the Cavity Creeps.\nAslan: Cavity Creeps?\nCavity Creeps: [cutting through the field with their cavity drills] We make holes in teeth! We make holes in teeth!\nWonder Woman: What can destroy the Cavity Creeps?\nPerseus: Only Crest Gel with Tartar Control.\nAslan: [to Butters] Quickly! You must imagine a giant Crest Gel! [Butters thinks, and poof! There's a giant Crest Gel tube of toothpaste with arms and legs. Robin Hood and Perseus escort it to the battlefield]\nRobin Hood: Yes!\nGandalf: His powers are getting stronger. We might just have a chance here.\nArchangel: Aslan, we've captured a spy! He was sneaking around the Gumdrop Forest! [down from above comes the archangel with Stan]\nButters: Stan! [points him out to Aslan and walks to him] Hey look, I imagined Stan here!\nStan: No, no! I got sucked through Operation Imagination Doorway at the Pentagon.\nAslan: Project Imagination Doorway? [no one else has a clue either]\nGandalf: Never mind! The battle is almost won! We can deal with him later.\nStan: [stands next to Butters] No, no, you don't understand. There's a nuke. The government is about to level this entire place.\nLuke Skywalker: What?\nButters: Wull why would they nuke Imaginationland?\nStan: So the terrorists can't ever use it against us again.\nAslan: We can get Imaginationland under control; the Chosen One just needs more time!\nStan: The Chosen One?\nButters: Yeah, it turns out I'm the Key.\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. The nuclear warhead is ready to be shot in.\nComputer: [a female voice] Missile launch sequence initiated.\nGeneral Deckter: All right, people, I want this nuking done by the books.\nTech 1: Sir, we have a security breach!\nGeneral Deckter: What?!\nTech 3: There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two!\nGeneral Deckter: Sector 2? [The large window opposite the portal had been patched up, but cracks remain. Cartman crashes through the large window again, reversing the patches, and again lands on his back.]\nCartman: [gets up] What the hell do you think you're doing declaring leprechauns aren't real?!\nGeneral Deckter: What?\nCartman: You just can't declare that imaginary things aren't real! Who are you to say what's real?! Think about it: is blue real? Is love really real?\nLab Tech: Imaginary things are things made up by people, like Santa and Rudolph.\nTom: Yeah, and they detract from real things, like Jesus.\nTech 1: Maybe Jesus is imaginary too.\nTom: Ooooh, you'd better not say that! You'll go to hell!\nTech 7: It's possible that hell is also imaginary.\nTech 2: Uh so then, we're about to nuke hell... that's a good thing, right?\nPersonnel: [not all at once] Hell yeah, that's a good thing, yeah.\nLab Tech: What if heaven is imaginary? We'd be nuking heaven.\nTech 3: Yeah, but it wouldn't be real.\nLab Tech 2: So it'd be all right.\nCartman: Look, maybe they're all part of the same thing. Santa and Jesus and hell and- leprechauns. Maybe they're all real in the same wway, right?\nTom: Santa Claus and leprechauns are imaginary, but Jesus and hell are real!\nTech 3: Well then, what about Buddha?\nTom: Well of course he's imaginary!\nLab Tech 3: Awww, see? Now you're being intolerant, Tom.\nTech 7: Am I real?\nGeneral Deckter: All right, enough! Keep that kid out of the way and let's get back to the nuking at hand!\nCartman: [two guards haul him away] No! Leprechauns are real, Goddammit!\nScene Description: The Mall, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, day. Kyle sits on some steps moping.\nStan: [in Kyle's imagination] Kyle? Kyle, what happened?\nKyle: Nothing.\nStan: What??\nKyle: [stands up and moves around] Nothing happened! There's nothing I can do! [a man walking by looks at him for a few seconds]\nStan: Dude, you can't let the government fire off that nuke!\nKyle: They say they can do whatever they want because imaginary things aren't real!\nStan: Well you have to convince them they are real!\nKyle: No way, dude, then I'd have to suck Cartman's balls\nStan: Whatever it takes, you have to do it, all right?! [Kyle sighs] Hang- hang on, Kyle, Jesus wants to talk to you.\nKyle: Huh? [POV changes. The White House is seen in the distance]\nJesus: Hello, Kyle? This is Jesus.\nKyle: Oh boy...\nJesus: What seems to be the problem, my child?\nKyle: Jesus, I can't do anything. [a man walking down the steps stops to look, then continues walking.] I'm just a fourth grader going against the entire government. [Jesus falls silent] Uh, hello? Jesus?\nLuke Skywalker: No eh, hey Kyle, this is Luke Skywalker.\nKyle: [dejected] Aah.\nLuke Skywalker: Look, I know this seems like an impossible task, but do you remember when I brought down the Death Star. I m, I mean, that seemed impossible too, right?\nKyle: Yeah, I guess.\nLuke Skywalker: Uh okay, now, now hold on, because Superman is here and he wants to say something. [Kyle rolls his eyes around]\nSuperman: Kyle, this is Superman.\nKyle: Hi Superman.\nSuperman: I know that saving people can be a big responsibility, but no matter what it takes, it's worth it.\nKyle: [subdued] I know.\nSuperman: You can do this, Kyle. How hang on, because Hercules wants to talk to you.\nKyle: Oh God...\nSuperman: Yes, God is here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.\nScene Description: Castle Sunshine. The battle rages on. Jesus fights a Xenomorph, but to no effect\nJesus: Popeye, I need some help here! [a donkey wearing a sombrero walks by shooting at the Pac-Man monsters]\nLollipop King: [being choked by an Imperial Stormtrooper] Popeye is being killed by Christmas Critters. [sure enough, the Critters hump on Popeye as Foxy Fox pisses on his face]\nPopeye: Gaw guguh, getskug off of me!\nBeary Bear: [sees something and leaves the other Critters] Hey, what is that?\nScene Description: the battle ceases as Butters floats through inside a bubble, then resumes after he's gone\nButters: More spinach for Popeye! [ten cans of spinach appear before Popeye in a pyramid] Imagine an M60 for Jesus!\nJesus: [his sword turns into an M60 and the Xenomorph cowers] All right!\nAslan: [on the bridge] The boy is doing it! Everything is going to be okay!\nScene Description: The portal at the Pentagon. Just a little longer...\nComputer: Missile launch in one minute.\nCartman: Goddamnit, you stupid assholes are going to ruin everything!\nGeneral Deckter: Prepare for launch...\nTech 1: Sir, we have a security breach!\nGeneral Deckter: What?!\nTech 3: There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two!\nGeneral Deckter: Sector 2? [Kyle crashes through the part of the large window that was left intact and lands on his back. Cartman turns around]\nCartman: Kyle?\nGeneral Deckter: The hell are you doing back here?!\nKyle: Listen, you don't have to do this! Our imaginations aren't running wild anymore.\nGeneral Deckter: Why is it so easy for children to break into the Pentagon?!\nKyle: You have to stop!\nGeneral Deckter: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet that leprechauns weren't real. So why do you care what happens?\nKyle: Because I- [catches himself] I... Um... because I think... they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he... he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny and, a-and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of \"real.\" They might be imaginary, but, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman begins a slow clap, then speeds it up. The techs in the room join in and soon everyone is applauding Kyle's speech]\nGeneral Deckter: Abort the sequence. [a tech flips the switch and the power to the missile is cut. The missile lowers to a resting state]\nCartman: So Kyle, imaginary things are real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all. And you know what that means, Kyle. [gloats]\nKyle: Just let it go with your fucking balls, you fucking asshole!! Your friends have been in danger and all you care about it this stupid bet! Well I've decided, Cartman, even if we had a bet, that I am never sucking your balls, [forces Cartman to face him] you got that?! They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am [jab] never going to suck your balls, [jab] never!! So [jab] there!!!\nAl Gore: [walking through the sliding doors] What happened?! Why hasn't the missile gone off?!\nGeneral Deckter: There's been an abort, Mr. Gore.\nAl Gore: [moves towards the switch] No! ManBearPig has to die! [presses buttons randomly]\nTech 3: Oh Jesus no! [the portal activates and begins sucking everyone and everything into Imaginationland, including Cartman and Kyle... and the missile]\nScene Description: Imaginationland, the battlefield outside Castle Sunshine.\nLollipop King: That's it, Aslan! The evil characters have fled!\nAslan: The day is ours! [screams are heard and bodies fall from the sky. Aslan and the others look up. Many of them land on the battlefield. Kyle lands on the bridge, face down]\nStan: [approaches] Kyle!\nButters: [approaches Cartman on the battlefield] Fellas! Where'd you come from? [a whistling sound is heard and everyone looks up]\nZeus: What is that? [the missile comes down from the sky and blows up on the battlefield, killing everyone. The screen fills up with white ash. Moments later, Butters digs himself out of the ash and dusts himself off. He looks around and walks off to his left.]\nButters: Huh... [with nothing but white around, he concentrates real hard and soon Imaginationland returns. The Barrier repairs itself, and all the imaginary characters reappear]\nJesus: He did it!\nFanciful Mayor: [poof] Oh look, I'm back!\nLuke Skywalker: Nice going, kid. [the other good imaginary characters congratulate him]\nFanciful Mayor: The evil characters! They're all behind the wall again.\nStan: Dude! How did you do that, Butters?\nButters: Well I just... used my imagination.\nAll: Awwww [everyone has a good laugh]\nCartman: You know, I really have learned a lot, you guys. What Kyle said about imaginary things being real and, Butters using his imagination? It makes me think that... well maybe we all have the power to make things a reality. [he begins to think hard, and an imaginary version of himself appears, wearing the crown and robe from before.] Why look, it's me. And... [thinks again, and an imaginary Kyle appears] And there's Kyle. And, what's Kyle about to do? [the imaginary Kyle drops out of view]\nKyle: Cartman, don't!\nCartman: O-hoo Kyle! What are you doing to my balls? OHO, look! It's Kyle sucking my balls! [the imaginary Cartman is a little shocked]\nStan: Dude.\nLollipop King: Oh my God.\nCartman: O-hoo Kyle, you are gobbling those balls, aren't you? I told you you would suck my balls before this was over, didn't I, Kyle?\nKyle: I'm not sucking your balls; that's imaginary!\nCartman: No- Kyle, I believe you said that imaginary things are real.\nGeneral Deckter: That's true. You did.\nCartman: Oh, look at you go, Kyle! Oho, you dirty girl! You LOVE those balls. [everyone but Kyle laughs]\nSanta: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ballsucking. We need to get you boys home.\nKyle: I am not sucking Cartman's balls!\nFanciful Mayor: Whatever you imagine to be real, is real. [everyone cheers that remark]\nScene Description: Butters' room, morning. He's asleep.\nSteven: Butters? [Butters opens his eyes] Butters!\nButters: [sits up] A-huh? What? Oh! It was all just a dream.\nSteven: Come on, Butters, time to get up. [walks in with newspaper in hand]\nButters: Oh Dad! I had the craziest dream! I, I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack!\nSteven: You WERE in Imaginationland, Butters! We've read all about it in the paper! The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?!\nLinda: You are grounded, mister!\nButters: [dejected] Ohhh. [becomes determined] Wait, I'm not grounded.\nSteven: Oh yes you are!\nButters: Oh yeah? [focuses real hard, then opens his eyes]\nSteven: That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded! [backs out of the room. He and Linda leave, closing the door behind them]\nButters: [thinks a bit, then lies down again] Ahhh, shit."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's house, day. In the living room, Stan and Kyle stand before the TV with guitar controllers in their hands. Nine boys from class watch them from the sofa and the floor. A game starts up. Stan and Kyle immediately begin to play and the other boys begin to cheer them on. The song playing is \"Wayward Son\"\nCartman: Stan, you guys are good! [Stan and Kyle more their right arms around during a power chord, then quickly return to playing. The score is 15,594 points and climbs quickly. Randy watches from the kitchen doorway]\nScene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes. Randy turns and walks towards her.\nRandy: [sounding tired] Sharon, what are the boys doing?\nSharon: Oh, Stan and Kyle bought a new video game together.\nRandy: They can play guitar now?\nSharon: No, no, they're just little plastic controllers. You hit the colored buttons and it makes the guitar track on the game play.\nRandy: Ohhh.\nSharon: If they spent half the time learning a real instrument as they do playing that game, who knows what they could accomplish.\nRandy: Hey yeah...\nScene Description: The living room. The round ends and the boys cheer.\nStan: Dude, listen to that video crowd! They love us! [a shot of the cheering CG crowd on the TV]\nRandy: [walks up to Stan] So you boys like this music, huh?\nKyle: Yeah, dude. Its Guitar Hero.\nButters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it.\nRandy: <ï>Well you kids wanna see something really cool? [the boys pay attention] Check this out. [walks away and picks up an electric guitar, and plugs in the amplifier. He puts his right foot on top of the amplifier and begins to play \"Wayward Son\" a half-step up.] Once, I rose above the noise and confusion Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher But I flew too high. Though my eyes could see I- </ï>\nStan: [irritated, interrupting] Dad? Dad! What are you doing?!\nRandy: [brightly] I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how?\nCartman: Uhh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.\nStan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.\nRandy: But... But this is real.\nCartman: Real guitars are for old people.\nCraig: Do you mind, sir? We wanna watch Stan and Kyle play. [Randy stands there a few seconds, disappointed that the boys aren't interested. He takes off the guitar, leans it against the amplifier, and walks away.]\nStan: [turns back to the TV] Alright, let's try to score 60,000 points this time. [the game starts up with a new song, and the boys behind them begin to cheer again]\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. Once everyone's asleep, Randy sneaks downstairs towards the couch. He looks around to make sure no one else is awake and waiting for him. He reaches the couch and picks up a controller, playing it a bit to start the game.\nM.C.: Are you ready to rock? [\"Wayward Son\" begins to play from the top, and Randy begins to move, slowly raising his right hand into a victory sign, then swinging his arm all the way around a few times]\nKansas: <ï> \"Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more\" [the first guitar solo follows and Randy is playing terribly. The video crowd begins to boo him.]</ï>\nM.C.: Game over! You suck! [the words are displayed onscreen. Randy takes off the controller, sets it on the ground, and walks back to bed, leaving the TV on with the video crowd still booing him.]\nScene Description: Stan's house, next day. The boys are back at Stan's house watching another round of Guitar Hero. \"Wayward Son\" gives way to another song.\nButters: They're gonna do it!\nCartman: [so relaxed his fat blocks his chin from view] Come on, guys, a hundred thousand points!\nKyle: Cartman, shut up. We're concentrating. [the points pile up and they near 100,000. After a final flourish, their readouts combine into one, showing 100,000 points. The boys congratulate Stan and Kyle]\nM.C: You have broken a hundred thousand points! You. Are. Rock stars!\nStan: Dude, we are total rock stars now!\nRandy: [walks in with beer and slurred speech] You're not rock stars! This is just a stupid plastic controller! [the doorbell rings]\nStan: [takes off his controller and goes to answer the door] Hang on.\nMan: Stan Marsh?\nStan: Yeah?\nMan: I'm Charles Kincade, from the Kincade Talent Agency? I just heard you broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.\nStan: Yeah, we did. [smiles]\nMr. Kincade: Well i'm impressed. [steps inside and gives him a business card] And I'd like to be your manager.\nStan: Wow, really?? [smiles an open smile] Dude! Dude, Kyle, this guy wants to be our manager!\nRandy: No way!\nKyle: For reals? [smiles]\nMr. Kincade: Scoring a hundred thousand points is amazing, but I think with the right label behind you, you guys could make a million points.\nStan: That'd be awesome!\nMr. Kincade: So, we're in business then? [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then grin as \"Wayward Son\" plays]\nScene Description: A producer's office, day. Mr. Kincade is snapping his fngers to \"Wayward Son\" as a producer listens. Stan and Kyle watch him, then Stan looks at Kyle. Kyle grimaces.\nMr. Kincade: Well, what do you think?\nProducer: I like it. That's these boys playing?\nMr. Kincade: [stops the tape] No, that's Kansas. But these boys scored a hundred thousand points to it on Expert Level in Co-op Mode.\nProducer: That's pretty Goddamned impressive. [rises and serves himself a drink] Alright, we'll sign them to a one-year deal. [Stan and Kyle smile to this news as Mr. Kincaid stands behind them]\nMr. Kincade: [pumps his fist] Yes! You did it, boys.\nProducer: Listen, boys, I'm having a huge celebrity party at my giant mansion tonight. Why don't you come by as my honorary new artists?\nStan, Kyle: Cool! [smile openly]\nScene Description: The producer's mansion, night. Limos pull into the circular driveway in front of the mansion, drop off guests, and pull away. Inside is a large crowd of local celebrities. In the pool, two topless women splash each other with water and giggle. One blond celebrity is snorting a mountain of coke\nStan: Wow, this is a huge party.\nProducer: Oh yes, all the biggest stars in Colorado are here.\nStan: Dude, dude, that's Ron Zappolo from Channel 4 News! [Ron Zappolo is shown - an elderly gent with gray hair and mustache]\nKyle: Wow! Oh, and look over there, that's that Jake Jabs guy from American Furniture Warehouse commercials. [Jabs is shown with a white tiger on his lap and two women around him]\nProducer: Everyone? Everyone, this is Stan and Kyle. They just broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero. [ooo's and applause follow. Stan and Kyle grin] Please enjoy yourselves, there's lots more coke and sex in the house.\nStan: Dude! Dude, that's Jay Cutler over there! [a football player wearing #6 is shown] Quarterback for the Denver Broncos!\nKyle: Oh my God!\nProducer: Would you boys like to meet him?\nStan: Are you serious??\nProducer: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle. They broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.\nJay: Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys.\nStan: Nice to meet you! [grins] I mean, you kind of suck, but my dad says you might be good someday.\nJay: [a bit bothered] Thanks...\nGuest: Alex, have you seen my wife anywhere?\nProducer: You boys know Tom Shane from the Shane Company Diamond Store commercials?\nKyle: Do we? He's a legend!\nProducer: You remember these boys, Tom. They're gonna break a million points live at the video arcade in a few weeks.\nTom Shane: That, would be impressive.\nKyle: [takes Stan aside] Dude, we've arrived. We're super, awesome, and cool.\nStan: Yeah. Life is finally going to not suck so hard for us.\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Mr. Kincade rocks out on the couch watching Stan and Kyle play Guitar Hero. The boys hit 152,626 points\nM.C.: You Rock!\nMr. Kincade: [clapping] All right, nice rehearsal, boys.\nKyle: D-ude, I totally miffed that middle part. Did you see that?\nStan: Yeah dude, that's almost impossible.\nMr. Kincade: That was real cool, kids. Hey, Kyle, there's a different controller in my car that might work better for you. Why don't you go with Jim and he'll help you find it. [an assistant dressed in jogging outfit joins him behind Kyle]\nKyle: Oh, okay. Cool. [takes off his controller and follows Jim out]\nMr. Kincade: [sighs] You've got real potential, kid. I have no doubt you can break a million.\nStan: Really? That'd be sweet.\nMr. Kincade: [turns around and points to Stan] I think you could. But uh, as for your friend, well, to be honest, I think he's holding you back.\nStan: What, you mean, Kyle?\nMr. Kincade: Look, you score a lot higher than him; there's no question who the better one is. I wanna put you with some other players, find a partner for you who can really help you max your score.\nStan: But, Kyle and I always play together. We both chipped in for the game system.\nMr. Kincade: [crosses his arms] Very honorable. But you know where loyalty gets you in a game like Guitar Hero? Nowheres. Just listen to that video crowd. [a shot of the video crowd cheering] I haven't heard a video crowd go that wild in a long time. You've got a chance to score a million points, and I hate to see you throw it away because you're worried about your friend's feelings.\nScene Description: Café Monet, day. Mr. Kincade and Stan are outside at a table sipping coffee.\nMr. Kincade: You're gonna love this kid, Stan. He's one of the best Guitar Hero players I've ever seen. Except for you, of course. [sees someone] Ah, Thad! [a boy about Stan's age approaches the table and takes a seat. He wears a controller on his back] Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.\nThad: Sup? [an air of superiority is suggested by his tilting his head back]\nMr. Kincade: That here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad? [puffs on a cigar]\nThad: Yup.\nMr. Kincade: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.\nStan: Yeah, but can he play Buckethead on Expert Level?\nMr. Kincade: Go ahead, Thad. Show him what you can do. [Thad stands on his chair, swings his controller around, and puts his right foot on the table.] Check this out. [All that is heard are the clicks of plastic on plastic] Pretty damn good, huh?\nStan: Yeah, that's pretty good. But can you play \"John the Fisherman\"? [Thad stops and launches into that song]\nMr. Kincade: Stan, with this kid backing you, you're gonna make Guitar Hero history.\nMale Diner: Ohoh, I love this song. [the other diners seem to understand the song the clicks are supposed to be making and begin to clap]\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. Guitar Hero starts up and the boys are gathered near the couch watching Stan and... Thad. A song comes on and Stan and Thad begin to play. The boys cheer them on as the score nears 500,000\nButters: Wow wee, look at him go!\nKyle: [enters the house] Hey dude, how's it-? [he has his new controller, but he's dismayed at what he sees. The boys look at him and the game is shut off]\nStan: ...Kyle. ...I, I thought you were sick.\nButters: [into his hands, in a low hoarse voice.] Uh ohhh.\nKyle: [walks up to Stan] Who is this?\nStan: This is um, Thad Jarvis.\nThad: Sup?\nKyle: Ahem, wha? What's going on, Stan?\nStan: Kyle, I was gonna tell you later. Mr. Kincaid thinks I should play with Thad for a while.\nKyle: But it's our game. We bought it together.\nStan: I know, and, and I wanna be fair about it, so, I'll buy you out of your part.\nKyle: Buy me out?! What are you saying?! What makes you so high and mighty you can buy me out?!\nStan: Don't put this all on me, Kyle!\nCartman: Oh my God this is so awesome.\nStan: You were the one that's been blowing off playing after midnight, not playing 'cause you were sick,-\nKyle: I have been sick!\nStan: Look, the point is I'm never gonna break a million points playing with you! You know that's true!\nKyle: [stunned for a few seconds] I guess I didn't realize it was just about the points. [drops his controller next to Stan and walks out of the house, closing the door behind him]\nCraig: Dude, this game rules.\nStan: Let's just do this, all right? [a new round begins and Stan and Thad resume playing]\nScene Description: EV Games. Guitar Hero advertising is plastered all over the windows. Stan enters the store. He walks over to the magazine rack and begins browsing\nBrett: Hey! You're the kid I sold the Guitar Hero game to. How are you likin' it?\nStan: It's okay, I guess. But I need some game guides for it. My manager and producer set up this live thing at the video arcade where I'm supposed to break a million in front of everybody and I'm I'm stressing out.\nBrett: Yeah, Guitar Hero can be pretty stressful. But you know, maybe instead of a game guide, you should just buy another game to kind of ...ease the stress.\nStan: [approaches the counter with a Guitar Hero game guide] Huh?\nBrett: Have you ever heard of... [pulls out a different game from under the counter] Heroin Hero?\nStan: Hero-Heroin Hero?\nBrett: It's a way easier game. All you do is run around a magical forest and shoot simulated heroin. You could call it the ultimate first-person shooter.\nStan: And there's no score? No crowds?\nBrett: [his voice gets soft and mellow as he speaks] No man. All you do is run through the pretty forest and chase a big dragon. But you don't ever catch the dragon. You just... keep chasing it.\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. He's playing Heroin Hero, which just consists of his character shooting heroin into his right arm. Each shot moves him forward a few steps, but he's no closer to the dragon.\nThe Dragon: Chase me. Come on. This way. Shoot up and then you can catch me. Come on.\nStan: [playing quietly] Dude, this is awesome.\nScene Description: Gamecraft Arcade, day. Stan and Thad are at the arcade version of Guitar Hero; Stan is showing frustration. The song they're playing to is \"I Wanna Be Sedated\". Mr. Kincaid watches them as the producer approaches\nProducer: How are they coming?\nMr. Kincade: No worries, Mr. Hart. They'll be ready for the big show in a few days\nMr. Hart: They'd better be. I paid good money to rent this place out. [walks away. On the game screen, Stan's character is missing his notes and flailing about]\nStan: Ugh. Damint.\nThad: Dude, sup. Did you practice last night?\nStan: [frustrated] Yeah, I practiced last night! Just shut up and play! [misses some more notes] No no, you know what?! Screw this! [the music stops] I'm not playing this song! Why did you pick this stupid song?!\nMr. Kincade: Stan, it's the song we all agreed you would play.\nStan: Yeah? Well I changed my mind! We're changing the song to Cheap Trick!\nThad: No way. I hate that bubblegum crap.\nStan: Yeah? Well you're not the leader, are you, Thad?! We play the music I wanna play!\nMr. Kincade: Stan, why are you so grumpy-grouchy?\nStan: We're playing what I want, and I'll select a different song!\nThad: Yeah? Well how about this one? I quit. [drops his controller] I quit I quit I quit. [turns around and walks away] I quit I quit I quit. I quit. I quit I quit.\nStan: You know what? That's great with me, Thad, 'cause I don't need you to break a million points! I never did!\nMr. Kincade: Stan, what is the matter with you?\nStan: I just wanna play alone, alright?! I can't concentrate with all these assholes riding me all the time! [Mr. Kincaid notices that Stan's tote bag is open and looks inside. He pulls out Heroin Hero]\nMr. Kincade: What is this?\nStan: Man...\nMr. Kincade: Are you playing Heroin Hero?\nStan: Just, just a little.\nMr. Kincade: No! [stands up] Nobody plays Heroin Hero just a little! You know, you never catch the dragon!\nStan: I know, but it mellos me out, okay?!\nMr. Kincade: You'd better pull your act together, because now you're gonna have to break a million points and unlock superstardom solo!\nStan: No problem.\nScene Description: A bowling alley, day. The exterior is a bit run-down, with strips of plastic pulling away from the roof. A sign by the street has \"WE HAVE GUITAR HERO\" on it, the R falling off. \"Every Rose Has Its Thorn\" plays. Inside, some people are bowling while others sit at tables being depressed. The camera rests on Kyle playing along on his guitar controller. Two kids walk up to Kyle. The place is called Mick's Lanes\nOlder Boy: Hey, beat it, kid! We wanna play now!\nKyle: I'm not done yet.\nYounger Boy: Hey, I know you. You're Kyle Broflovski. Didn't you used to have your own Guitar Hero game system?\nKyle: No. You're thinking of somebody else.\nYounger Boy: Yeah, sure. He's the kid that scored a hundred thousand points.\nOlder Boy: How come you're playing here now?\nKyle: Look, just go ahead and play, alright? [gets off the stool and walks away] Leave me alone. [walks up to the bar and takes a seat] Can I get a Fresca, please?\nMick: You're good at that game, Kid. Too good to be playing in a dump like this.\nKyle: Yeah well, I can't really afford to play anymore anyway. I'm about out of quarters.\nMick: Well look, maybe I can use some extra music playing to this thing on weekend nights. You come in, work around here a little and... maybe you can play it for free.\nKyle: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Mick, but I ain't a charity case yet.\nMick: Ehhh, charity case eh, I'm just trying to help out a kid who's a little... down on his luck is all.\nKyle: Thanks, Mick.\nScene Description: Heroin Hero, onscreen at Stan's house, day.\nThe Dragon: Catch me. Come on, catch me. [Stan is passed out on the couch with snacks all around him. Some knocks and the doorbell are heard, but Stan doesn't move] What's wrong? Follow me. Come on. [The door opens and Mr. Kincaid comes in]\nMr. Kincade: Marsh? Stan, you got- [notices Stan passed out] Oh my God! [runs over to him and shakes him hard] Get up, Stan! Wake up!\nStan: Huh? What, uh?\nMr. Kincade: You're going on in ten minutes! Everybody's coming to see you!\nStan: The dragon. Where did it go?\nMr. Kincade: [slaps Stan twice across the face] You've gotta pull it together! [shakes him hard again, then sees a glass of water nearby and throws the water at him, them shakes him hard again] Pull it together, Goddammit!\nScene Description: Gamecraft Arcade, night. The boys are there waiting for Stan to start playing. A couple stands behind them waiting as well.\nMr. Kincade: Thank you for coming to Gamecraft Arcade to watch Stan Marsh break a million points and unlock superstardom. [the boys cheer Stan on.]\nToken: Go Stan!\nCartman: All right, Stan, you've got it, man!\nToken: Yeah, Stan!\nCraig: Dude, what's the matter with him?\nButters: He's been up for three days straight playing Heroin Hero. [Stan staggers slowly] Come on, Stan! You got it!\nMr. Kincade: Goddamnit, he's a mess! [Stan is moving around, but he's missing all the notes]\nCraig: Oh man, I can't watch this.\nMr. Kincade: What are you doing?! The video crowd is starting to boo! [a shot of the video crowd booing]\nCartman: Come on guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys leave, as to the couples and other spectators, leaving Stan alone with Mr. Kincade. Mr. Hart approaches Mr. Kincade.]\nMr. Hart: The next time you bring me some talent, make sure they're talent-ed. [walks away. Stan stumbles and finally falls face first, throwing up]\nMr. Kincade: You blew it! You had it all and you blew it! Listen to that video crowd! They hate you! [walks away. More shots of the video crowd booing. Stan looks at the crowd and begins seeing double]\nScene Description: EV Games, day. Brett the clerk is reading a magazine. Stan walks in, his head hanging real low, and walks to a game stand\nBrett: There he is! So, did you break a million yet?\nStan: No, I didn't break a million points and unlock superstardom, all right? I'm done with that stupid game!\nBrett: Aw, come on. Once you start playing Guitar Hero, you can't stop till you reach the top.\nStan: I just wanna find something else to play.\nBrett: Have you played... [whips out a new game] Rehab Hero? You get chased by a big dragon, but you keep running away from it.\nStan: I just want a nice, simple... driving game. How about that?\nBrett: Sssure kid. Sure. [brings out a Cross Country Cruiser game]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. He's now playing Cross Country Cruiser. A radio is next to him, and in it a song ends.\nRadio Host: All right, that was the Splendifs. And now here's a hit you all remember. It's a song that two local fourth grade boys scored a hundred thousand points to on Guitar Hero. [Stan is startled] Don't know whatever happened to those boys. I Guess... they're not playing the game anymore.\nScene Description: \"Wayward Son\" begins to play and Stan gets immersed in the game. A shot of Stan and Kyle playing Guitar Hero floats by. Stan then steps on the brake, stopping his video car. He thinks hard about what to do next. After a few seconds, a look of determination shows up and he goes into reverse, looking back over his shoulder as if he were driving a real car.\nScene Description: Mick's Bowling Lanes, day. The sign now says: KILE BARFFLOSKI ON GUITAR HERO. Inside, Kyle is at the Guitar Hero setup playing along to another song.\nSkid Row: <ï> \"Woke up to the sound of pouring rain The wind would whisper and I'd think of you And all the tears you cried, that called my name [Stan walks in and approaches Kyle. Kyle sees him and turns his back to him] And when you needed me I came through\"</ï>\nStan: Kyle, could I just talk to you for like five minutes?\nKyle: What are you doing here? [\"I paint a picture of the days gone by\"]\nStan: Please, it- it won't take long.\nKyle: Goddamnit. We're gonna take a short break. Be back in five. [\"When love went blind and you would make me see.\" Kyle walks over to the bar and serves himself some Fresca]\nStan: I was listening to you for a while. Dude, you've gotten a lot better. [\"I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes\"]\nKyle: Oh, thank you! I was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities! [\"So that I knew you were there for me\"]\nStan: Look, Kyle, the game is still set up at my house and, maybe we could go try playing it again over there.\nKyle: Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship! [\"Time after time you were there for me\"]\nStan: That isn't it at all. [\"Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand\"]\nKyle: You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore! [\"Love letters in the sand - I remember you\"]\nStan: I know. I need you. [Kyle glances over his shoulder, then turns around to face Stan] I thought I was having a great time because I was getting signed by managers and, going to big sex and coke parties, but, then I realized, I was having fun because I was doing all that... [turns around and face Kyle] ...with my best friend.\nKyle: It was pretty fun, wasn't it?\nStan: [awkwardly] Yeah.\nKyle: Look, I doubt we could break a million together anyway.\nStan: I don't care. I'd just like to play with you again. For the fun of it.\nKyle: I don't really see the fun in... [turns around with fire in his eyes] ...not trying to kick that game's ass once and for all!\nStan: What, you mean it?\nKyle: I think we can do it, Stan. I've been close to a million a few times by myself.\nStan: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] Then let's go, dude! [walks forward. Kyle follows.]\nKyle: [stops abruptly] Oh wait. Wait, I'm supposed to play here. [turns around and face Mick] Hey, Mick, w-would you mind if I stepped out for a sec?\nMick: Go on, get out of here, kid. Who needs your wailin' and rockin' around here anyways?\nKyle: Thanks, Mick! [turns left and walks out. Stan follows him.]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to Stan's house. Stan opens the door and they enter the living room\nStan: All right, dude, let's do this. [Kyle's jaw drops and Stan is annoyed] What the hell? [what greets them is Randy on the couch in his underwear. Around him are a pizza slice, a bucket of chicken, a case of S'mores Schnapps, and other items. Randy is playing Heroin Hero]\nRandy: Ahhh, Ahhhhhhh.\nThe Dragon: Come on, come on. You almost got me. Catch me. Come on.\nStan: Aw Goddammit! Dad, get off our Xbox!\nRandy: Hang on, I almost caught the dragon.\nThe Dragon: Hehe, you almost caught me.\nStan: No, me and Kyle are gonna play Guitar Hero!\nRandy: [sits up] I can get him! Wait! Where's he going now?\nStan: You don't ever catch the dragon, Dad! [turns off the console]\nRandy: NOO! NOOO I SAID! I AM YOUR FATHER! PUT IT BACK ON!\nStan: Mom, will you get Dad out of here?\nScene Description: The neighborhood park. Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Craig, and Token are playing basketball. Craig has the ball and shoots at the basket. The shot is good.\nCartman: Stop cheating, Craig! [pushes Craig from behind]\nCraig: How was that cheating!\nCartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!\nButters: Fellas! Fellas! They're gonna do it!\nCartman: What?\nButters: Stan and Kyle! They're about to break a million on Guitar Hero, and unlock superstardom! [Butters runs back. After some thought, the other boys run after him]\nThe Boys: Oh, let's go! Cone on, let's go!\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kyle are playing again. Kevin, Jimmy, and a third boy are already present. The other boys enter and jimmy makes room for them to see the action\nButters: They're gonna do it! [they finally break the million]\nCraig: They did it!\nJimmy: Oh my sweet J-Jesus!\nM.C.: You have played Guitar Hero enough to reach one million points! Congratulations! You. Are. FAGS. [the video crowd cheers]\nStan: That's it?\nKyle: Goddammit! God dammit! [walks away pissed off. Stan takes off his controller and looks at it, drops it to the floor, and follows after Kyle]\nCartman: Butters, you wanna play me next? [picks up Stan's controller and puts it on]\nButters: Heh, okay, but I get to be the one that betrays you after the sex and drug party. [picks up Kyle's controller and puts it on, and both of them get to playing.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The school cafeteria. It looks like it's been remodeled. At the table at center sit Kyle, Stan, Craig, Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Token.\nButters: [runs towards the table breathlessly] Fellas! Fellas! It's- Oh my god! You're not gonna believe this!\nStan: Dude, Butters, calm down.\nButters: Okay. [takes a gulp of air and looks around] Okay. I was talking to Pete Wetchney, and he said that Danny Chadwick said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest.\nCraig: So who do they say is the cutest?\nButters: I dunno.\nToken: Who do they say is the ugliest?\nButters: I don't know. I-it's like a girl thing. They won't let anybody see the list but them. [turns around and looks at them. The other boys look as well. Nearby, the girls chat among themselves, notice the boys, then laugh. Bebe holds up a notebook]\nCartman: [mad] They can't do that. Who are they to judge us on how we look?\nStan: Yeah. You think they rate us just for looks, or they take personality into account?\nClyde: If it's just looks then I think I'm safe.\nKyle: You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list? Girls make dumb lists all the time.\nCartman: [with a double cheeseburger in his left hand] Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it; we have better things to worry about.\nCraig: You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list!\nCartman: Oh please, I don't think so, Craig! Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!\nCraig: You don't think they put the fat tub of lard at the bottom?\nCartman: No, because chicks know I'm not fat, I'm buff! They probably put you at the bottom of the list 'cause you have fucked-up teeth! Or Kenny 'cause he's poor.\nKenny: (They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?)\nCartman: Kenny, face it: Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married.\nButters: You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya? Well if they did, my parents will ground me.\nKyle: You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls have to say about how you rank in looks?! [the boys look at each other for a few seconds]\nScene Description: The hallway, after lunch. Bebe's at her locker. Cartman leads a small group of boys to her.\nCartman: All right, Bebe, let's see the list.\nBebe: [turns her head to look at him] What?\nCartman: You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class!\nBebe: That's not for boys to look at! It's a secret girl list and YOU can't see it!\nCartman: Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny 'cause you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him?\nBebe: I'm not... [slams her locker door shut] telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is! And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there! [sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him, then walks away]\nCartman:: [blows a strong raspberry back and flips her off] Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck it, bitch!\nButters: [disappointed] Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls.\nCartman: Screw that, dude! We're guys. We can out think them.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, after school. In his basement, he shares his plan with some of the other fourth grade boys.\nCartman: All right, here's what we know. That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right? She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder, and we need a plan to get it from her. [points to a chalkboard with his plan on it] This is what I call \"Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail\". [a map with routes of the plan laid out]\nButters: [happily taking notes] Neat-o!\nCartman: At 1 PM tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies. That's our best time to strike. As she makes her way through Hallway 3, Craig will be ready with a distraction device here. [upper center part of the map] When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls.\nButters: [cheerfully] Okay!\nCartman: Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee, and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta, and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Nelly walks down the hall as the 1 PM bell rings. As she walks, Craig blows through a paper bullhorn. Nelly looks over her right shoulder and Butters runs up and kicks her in the groin.\nNelly: Ow! What'dja do that for?! [Butters looks down and kicks her in the groin again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?! [Butters is stunned that his kicks have no effect on her]\nCartman: Bail, bail! [he and Kenny take off]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, after school. He stands next to his revised plan, \"Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time\".\nCartman: Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot. Primarily that girls do not have balls.\nButters: [shown with a black right eye and his right arm in a sling] They sure don't.\nCartman: Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call \"Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time\". When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.\nButters: You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?\nCartman: Butters, we're done talkin' about girls' balls right now! Pay attention! [continues]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Token is walking down the hall when Kenny, Cartman, Craig and Butters run past him. He and the other kids in the hall look on.\nCartman: We got it! We got it! [next shot is of Stan at his locker as Craig runs by]\nCraig: We got the list from the girls! [the other boys take pursuit: Stan, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, Tweek, Bill, and two others. Two sixth graders and some kindergartners watch from the far end of the hall]\nNelly: [chasing after the boys] Give that back you dirty buttholes! [the boys run into the boys' room]\nCartman: Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door! [Kyle is washing his hands, but he turns to see what's going on]\nClyde: All right, hurry! Get it up there! Let's see it!\nA Boy: Hurry hurry!\nCraig: Whoa, what's this thing? Where am I?\nClyde: What number am I on?\nA Boy: Is it set up?\nStan: It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.\nClyde: Me? [smiles] I'm the cutest? [grins]\nStan: And then Token, and then me.\nToken: I'm number two? Wow.\nButters: [making his way to the front] Come on, let me see! Let me see! [looks at the list and begins to scan it for his own name, then finds it] Oh boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11! [runs out of the bathroom as a few boys wonder why he's so happy about it]\nCraig: Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso! [he's #12 while Cartman is #15]\nCartman: What?! That's bullcrap! [Kenny moves up past Cartman and looks for his name. He finds himself at #7]\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [moves off]\nKyle: Oh, so big deal, guys! Do you feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan, and last is Francis, Cartman, and... [finds himself at #16, the last one on the list. His head drops a little] Me?\nCartman: You're last, dude! [laughs heartily]\nKyle: No way.\nCartman: Yes way! Check it out! [laughs heartily]\nStan: Cartman, lay off! You're next to last.\nCartman: So? I'm hotter than Kyle. [makes his way through the crowd and out of the bathroom] I'm better looking than Kyyyle! [the other boys join him out except for Stan and Kyle] Yes! I'm hotter than Kyyyle! I'm hotter than Kyyyle!\nKyle: I'm last? Last?\nStan: Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?\nKyle: I got voted the ugliest boy in the whole class?\nStan: Who cares what dumb girls think, right? [realizes there's no consolation now and walks away. Kyle stays there looking at the list. Alone. All alone. All alone in the boys' room]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He makes it home and runs into the kitchen. In the living room are three pairs of snow boots.\nButters: Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!\nStephen: [holding a smoking pipe with his right hand and reading the Denver Post] Well good for you, Butters.\nLinda: Way to go, champ.\nButters: Whoopie! [flies off to his room]\nStephen: Well, guess we don't have to ground him.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, evening. The family's at dinner, but Kyle isn't eating. He's still depressed.\nSheila: Kyle, what's the matter? You barely touched your knishes.\nKyle: The... girls at school. They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy.\nSheila: What? That's ridiculous. My little bubbeleh is adorable!\nKyle: Look, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I-I didn't think I was the very ugliest.\nSheila: You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect little man. You look just like your father. [Gerald looks at Kyle and flashes a smile]\nKyle: Oh God! I do?\nGerald: But he has his mother's nose.\nKyle: [slaps both hands on his own nose] Ah!\nSheila: Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way.\nKyle: Ike, Ike, you have to be honest. Am I ugly, yes or no? [Ike looks at him, then at their parents, then back at him. Kyle takes this to mean yes, and so leaves his chair] You ALL think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!\nSheila: Kyle, come back here! [a door slams shut]\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom, night. Kyle is in his pajamas, in his bed, under the covers. He still can't get over the list. He hears a knock at his window and looks over: it's Cartman.\nCartman: I'm better looking than you! [knocks on the window again] The girls think I'm better looking than you, Kyle! [Kyle sighs, stands on his bed, and pulls on a drawstring to close the curtains. Cartman moves with the curtain until he can no longer see inside Kyle's room] Dude, Kyle! Can you hear me? They totally think I'm hotter than you are! [knocks] Kyle! Kyle, I'm more attractive! [knocks again. The curtain is fully closed and Kyle goes back to sleep] Kyle?\nScene Description: Clyde's house. He's looking at himself in a full-length mirror in nothing but briefs.\nBetsy: [checking in on Clyde] Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed. [Clyde looks at his mom, who closes the door, then turns back to the mirror]\nClyde: [raises his right eyebrow and knits his left one, then strikes a pose] Hey, what's goin' on? [looks at himself from the side] What's goin' on? Hey. [checks out his ass and then strikes another pose] Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on? Nice.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks down the hall holding his notebook close. The other kids laugh as he walks by. He stops when he sees Clyde testing his moves.\nClyde: Hey, what's goin' on?\nTwo Girls: Hey Clyde.\nClyde: Hey.\nAnne: Hi Clyde.\nClyde: What's goin' on? [Kyle is dismayed, but he hears Butters running up to him]\nButters: [laughing] Hey ugly! [runs off. Kyle then walks forward]\nClyde: [stops him] Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? [Kyle remains sad] You know, Abraham Lincoln was super ugly too, but look what he accomplished. [Kyle is no happier] Chin up, cowboy. [leaves to talk to a girl nearby] Hey, what's goin' on? [the girl smiles]\nGirl: Oh, not much, just hanging around-\nButters: [returns to taunt Kyle some more] Hehehe. Hey, nice... nice ears, haha. Pizza Face! [runs off laughing]\nClyde: Butters, that's not cool, man. [takes off after him] He can't help how he looks. [the girl walks away]\nCartman: [walks up] Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should... hang out with the other ugly kids in the school. Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much. Right? [Kyle stays mum, as before] Cool. [walks away. A few seconds later, Kyle's eyes pop open]\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Three ugly kids are shown eating slowly - two boys and a girl between them. Across from them are a fat ugly girl and another ugly boy. Kyle walks up and sits between these two.\nBlonde Boy: Hey.\nKyle: Hello. [the girl takes a sip of her milk, then lowers the carton]\nBushy Eyebrows Boy: [with bushy eyebrows] Are you going to eat your pickle? [Kyle just picks it up and hands it to him. The boy takes it and starts eating it, slowly]\nScene Description: The playground, later. As the other kids play various games, the five ugly kids and Kyle sit on the steps by an entrance. Butters runs around in his #11 shirt laughing merrily.\nCraig: Could somebody toss the football back? It's over there next to the ugly kids. [the ugly kids just watch quietly. Kyle is more and more depressed]\nBig-Eared Boy: I hate coming to this school. It makes me angry.\nKyle: Yeah.\nBig-Eared Boy: Sometimes I just want to burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground!\nKyle: [leans away, then stands up] No. You know what? Screw this! We aren't ugly!\nFat Girl: We're not?\nKyle: No! Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know? Like a makeover.\nBushy Eyebrows Boy: Hey yeah.\nKyle: [to the girl wearing glasses] Like you! Maybe you just need to let your hair down. And let's see how you look without those glasses. [removes them, and is met with tiny little eyes. The girl smiles after a few seconds] Let's just... put those back on. [puts them back on the girl, goes back to the steps, sits down and buries his head in his arms with a sigh. A few seconds later, Stan walks by and stops. He looks at the group helplessly. A few seconds later, he walks up to the merry-go-round, where Wendy, Lola, and Red are chatting]\nLola: I know, that song is so awesome. [Red notices him]\nStan: Uh, Wendy. Could I talk to you?\nWendy: Of course, Stan. [the other two girls smile]\nStan: Just for a minute. Over here. [takes her aside, to a tree nearby]\nLola: [to Red] You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?\nWendy: This is a nice surprise. I thought you were never speaking to me again.\nStan: Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made.\nWendy: Which one? We make lists all the time.\nStan: The one where you rated the boys' looks in the class. Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay? How could you vote him the ugliest?\nWendy: [walks off a bit] Well, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest. My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough of the other girls must have felt he was-\nStan: [walks up next to her] So it wasn't unanimous. Maybe you can just change the list.\nWendy: Change the list?! Do you have any idea what that would take?! Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls! It's not just something we do flippantly! There's protocol!\nStan: Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list and find out why they voted Kyle last?\nWendy: [thinks for a moment] All right, I'll try and get you into our next list-making meeting. But it won't be easy.\nScene Description: The girls' meeting room, day. The room is pink, with pink bows here and there. Lists and drawings are everywhere on the walls. Two tables, each seating seven people, face each other. Between them is a smaller table seating two, and a judge's bench. Wendy is already present with Stan when the other girls file in and take their seats. Bebe is presiding.\nBebe: Today's list meeting is called to order. Rebecca, you have the floor.\nRed: If it pleases and sparkles I suggest we continue deliberations on List 47D: Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse?\nBebe: Rebecca moves we work on List 47D. Does that sparkle with all the girls?\nGirls: Sunshine.\nLola: Deliberating \"Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse\"? Millie has the floor.\nMillie: If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to submit that [motions to her left] Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest. Definitely cuter than Teresa's.\nBlond Girl: I don't think anyone here disagrees that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's, but it doesn't make it the cutest.\nBebe: The committee has already decided that nothing with stripes can be in the Top 5 cutest purses.\nLola: Sunshine sparkle. Wendy has the floor.\nWendy: If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to suggest that we... [glances at Stan] That we reopen last week's list for debate.\nGirls: [debating] What'd she say? She's gotta be kidding!\nHeidi: Is she crazy?\nBebe: All right, all right, come before the Rainbow Railing. [Stan and Wendy walk into the center of the room]\nWendy: Go ahead.\nStan: Aaah, I was just thinking that maybe you voted a little... hastily on the cutest boy?\nRed: You thought you should be number one?\nStan: NO.\nBebe: Let me assure you that no list is made hastily by this committee!\nWendy: He didn't mean that. He was just saying maybe we should open it up again for discussion.\nBebe: I cannot by Sparkle Law move to have an old list investigated. However, if you can find recourse for such an inquiry, Wendy, I would review it. Does that sparkle with all the girls?\nGirls: Sunshine.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. All the lights are out. In his room, Kyle is laying on his stomach and flicks a lighter on, then off, then on again, then off.\nKyle: They all laugh at me! [flicks on] And the girls giggle behind my back! [flicks off] unable to even glance at my disfigured face.\nA Voice: Do not burn down the school, Kyle. [Kyle looks around]\nKyle: Who said that?\nA Voice: I did. [a body appears in the room to match the voice - it's Abraham Lincoln's glowing ghost] Do you know who I am?\nKyle: Abraham Lincoln?\nAbraham Lincoln: I am Abraham Lincoln. Burning down the school will not solve your problems. You think you've been cheated because you are ugly, but I am here to show you otherwise. Come! There is much to see. [walks out] I want you to look in here. [they approach a random house and look inside. A bored woman is playing with a pencil and pebble at her small dining table] This woman is Nancy Pinkerton. As a child she was consistently the most beautiful girl in her entire school. Her life as a youth was filled with praises, and everything being handed to her. Boys told her she was special. She was funny. She was interesting. But that's only because she was hot. It wasn't until she reached age 40, when her looks started to fade, that she learned she was actually about as interesting and special, as a wet carrot. [they leave her as they found her, playing with a pencil, all alone in her dining room. They move on to the next house] This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal. [Yamal is shown playing a piano] Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him. He has to work at making something of himself. But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult. He will have character, something that kids who are hot rarely develop. Like your classmate, Clyde. [they approach Clyde's house. Clyde is all cool laying on his couch talking to someone on the phone] Now that he knows he's good-looking, he doesn't have to make any effort to be special.\nClyde: Naw, Rebecca's just a friend. I wanna be with you now. Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too.\nAbraham Lincoln: Now his life will be about girls. Chatting with them on the phone and buying them shoes. He will most likely marry very young, and not realize until age 40 that he's a total douche. And so you see, Kyle, it is actually the beautiful kids that are cursed.\nKyle: But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy. That's forever from now.\nAbraham Lincoln: You must be patient.\nKyle: Just take me home! I don't wanna be here anymore! Take me home!\nAbraham Lincoln: [sighs] Very well.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, later. Lincoln stops in front of it and Kyle gets out.\nAbraham Lincoln: Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you.\nKyle: I don't want to! I don't want anybody telling me how to feel anymore!\nAbraham Lincoln: Well then you're just a fucking asshole! [drives off. Kyle, stunned at that comment, just looks on.]\nScene Description: Wendy's room, night. Stan is on a beanbag chair as Wendy sifts through the lists at her desk.\nWendy: Wait a minute. Wait, Stan, I think I've got something! [Stan gets off the chair and walks up to the desk] Take a look at this: during final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle.\nStan: I have no idea what you're talking about.\nWendy: It doesn't add up. It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list. [they look at each other, smiling]\nScene Description: Red's house, day. Wendy and Stan walk up; Wendy knocks on the door. Red answers.\nRed: Oh, hey Wendy.\nWendy: Hey Rebecca. Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?\nRed: [laughs it off] Oho Wendy, we're done with that list.\nWendy: I know, but I think there's been a mistake. Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest. That means that mathematically he should have been-\nRed: [menacingly] All right, you need to stop. Digging. Around, Wendy! [looks around to make sure no one else is listening] You might not like... what you find! [begins to draw close to her] Just back off and stop asking questions! [in Wendy's face] You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle! Let it... go! [backs up into her house and closes the door]\nStan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?\nScene Description: True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement, day. Someone is purchasing a lot of kerosene, propane, and lighter fluid.\nClerk: [the name tag says Jerry] One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid, [Kyle stands there with determination in his eyes] seven gallons of high-octane kerosene, and a box of matches. [the total is $82.32] Okay, is that everything, little boy?\nKyle: [determined] That should just about do it.\nJerry: Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today?\nScene Description: The girls' meeting room, day. Wendy and Stan are back in the middle of the room. Two girls are before them, behind the small table in front of the bench.\nWendy: Nonorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary, I believe a member of our committee has tampered with one of our lists. I've compiled a full report, and it turns out that nobody voted Claude the cutest in the class. I believe Rebecca changed the list to make him number one.\nLola: Why would she do that?\nWendy: Right after the list was made, Rebecca started going out with Clyde. You can read all the discrepancies here. [drops the report on the table] We need to remake that list. [the girls look at the list as Wendy returns to Stan]\nJenny: You just couldn't let it go! [puts her left hand on the report]\nWendy: Uh, what do you mean? Call the girls in.\nJenny: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy! [the other girl leaves the table]\nLola: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store at the mall? A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough.\nWendy: [points at her] You knew!\nLola: [pulls out a folder] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list! That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list, and... hide the real one!\nWendy: So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee!\nJenny: Bebe?! Who do you think authorized the buyout?!\nWendy: [stunned that her best friend was in on this] No. Not Bebe.\nJenny: She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her.\nStan: What's going on?\nWendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna-\nJenny: Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?! We'll simply generate a new list! \"Biggest Liars\"! And put you at the top!\nLola: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go! And keep your little mouth shut!\nWendy: I don't think so! [goes up and kicks Lola in the groin, hard, much to Stan's shock]\nLola: [doubling over, dropping the folder] AAGH!\nWendy: [grabs the folder and runs away] Stan, run!\nStan: Jesus, dude! [runs out after her. The two other girls give chase]\nScene Description: Yamal's house, night. He's playing piano when someone knocks at his door. He goes to answer it.\nStan: [breathlessly] Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle? We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something.\nYamal: [waits a second or two] He's burning down the school.\nWendy: What?\nYamal: He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground.\nScene Description: The night suddenly gets stormy, but it's not cloudy enough to hide the full moon.\nKyle: [on the school roof pouring lighter fluid out] All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over! Are you happy now, God?! YOU made me look like this!\nStan: [he and Wendy reach the roof and run up to him] Kyle! Kyle, don't!\nKyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!\nStan: The list was a forgery, Kyle!\nKyle: Huh??\nStan: It didn't sparkle with all the girls. We have the real list. [a gun is cocked and pops into view, aimed at Wendy]\nA Girl: That's about far enough! [it's Bebe holding the gun and fresh from shopping] Give me that list, Wendy!\nKyle: Stan, what is going on?!\nStan: It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.\nBebe: Kyle was simple a casualty! To move Clyde meant that Craig has to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up!\nKyle: So what number was I??\nWendy: You've compromised everything! Our lists' integrity!\nBebe: Did you see these shoes, Wendy?! [pulls out a new pair of shoes] They're incredible!\nWendy: It doesn't matter how incredible they are; you can't-[becomes distracted] Oh my God, those are amazing.\nBebe: Right?\nWendy: Is that a lace across the top?\nBebe: No, it's a little strap.\nStan: Wendy!\nWendy: [remembers why she's there] Oh, but it doesn't matter. You took it too far!\nBebe: If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away! [cocks her gun again]\nKyle: She's gonna kill us?\nWendy: It's too late, Bebe. I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police. People will know.\nBebe: Oh please, you're lying. [sirens approach and she realizes Wendy wasn't lying. Five police cars converge on the school and cops pour out of them]\nOfficer: [on the bullhorn] Give it up, Bebe. We know all about it. The list was compromised. Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class. [Wendy takes this opportunity to wrestle the gun away from Bebe. A gunshot goes off and Wendy is stunned]\nStan: Wendy! [she steps back and checks herself for bullet wounds, then finds the gun in her left hand. Bebe looks pained, then she checks herself for bullet wounds. Since they're both uninjured, they look around wondering where the bullet went.]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, night. He and his family are eating breakfast... for dinner. Each of the family members has a bowl of cereal before them. The bullet shoots in through the window, into the back of Kenny's head and out through his forehead. Stuart, his mom, and Kevin jump back in horror as blood splatters on them. They look at each other fearfully.\nKenny: (Aah-) [his head falls into his bowl. A few seconds later, some Pop-Tarts pop out of the toaster.]\nScene Description: The school roof, moments later. Officers are now on the roof and handcuff Bebe.\nBebe: Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong.\nOfficer: You can explain all that downtown. [the cops take her away. Wendy is holding Bebe's shopping bag]\nStan: Here, Kyle. [hands the folder to Kyle. Wendy looks inside the bag - she's got herself some free shoes.] We've been through a lot, but, you can finally see where you really are on the list. [Kyle holds the folder in his hands, but...]\nScene Description: The school grounds, minutes later. Wendy stands over a garbage can, holding a lighter and torching the folder containing the real list. She flicks the lighter off and drops the burning folder inside the trash can.\nStan: Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle?\nKyle: I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right: I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up.\nStan: ...Abe Lincoln?\nWendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like you've changed somehow. In a really awesome way. [smiles]\nStan: Yeah well, I guess a lot of things... change, don't they? [smiles. As they smile, they look into each other's eyes. Stan begins to get queasy] Bwaaaagh! Bwaaaagh! [throws up on her twice, and she just takes it as she used to do in third grade.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A close-up of a tongue depressor holding a tongue down, and the sound of a boy going \"AHHHHHH.\" The camera pans out to reveal a dentist looking inside Cartman's mouth. Liane stands nearby, watching. They are all in Cartman's room.\nCartman: AHHHHHH.\nDentist: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.\nCartman: What?\nLiane: Uh, what exactly does that entail, doctor?\nDentist: It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free!\nCartman: No- No way. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom!\nDentist: Oh, I thought you were a tough kid! You're not scared of hospitals, are you?\nCartman: No, I'm not scared... I just- I don't want my tonsils out, that's all!\nDentist: Well then I guess you don't want all the ice cream you get after the surgery, either.\nCartman: ...Ice cream?\nDentist: It'd be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't scared of hospitals.\nLiane: What do you say, champ? Think you can tough it out?\nCartman: Well...you did say free ice cream? [Dentist and Liane laugh]\nScene Description: A shot of Hell's Pass Hospital. Camera cuts to a hospital room where Cartman is asleep in a hospital bed. Liane is sitting by his side, holding his hand and smiling\nLiane: Poopsiekins, wake up. Wake up, honey.\nCartman: [Opening his eyes, blinking a lot] Uh. It's over?\nLiane: That's right, you did it, Poopsiekins!\nCartman: [Eyes fully open, sitting up] Its over! I didn't feel anything! You were right, Mom!\nLiane: I'm so proud of you, Eric.\nCartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?\nScene Description: The doctor and two opposite sex nurses enter the room looking very nervous.\nLiane: Oh, here's the doctors now! Hi, doctor.\nCartman: You were right, doctor! Everything is okay!\nDoctor Carroll: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.\nLiane: ...What!?\nCartman: What's that supposed to mean?!\nDoctor: During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood. A mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.\nCartman: I HAVE AIDS?\nDoctor Carroll: Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.\nCartman: \"Sorry\"?! You gave me AIDS and you're \"sorry\"?!\nLiane: Oh, my poor little baby!\nCartman: Mom, you said nothing would go wrong!\nLiane: Oh God! [Cries] Oh no!\nCartman: No! No, this is a joke, right!? This is a joke; I can't have AIDS!\nDoctor: We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric. For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream. [One of the doctors brings over a plate with two sundaes on it, leaving it on Cartman's bed.]\nCartman: [Knocks the ice cream on the ground] Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be FINE!\nLiane: [Sobbing] Oh, oh, my baby has HIV!\nCartman: NO! NOOOOOOOO!\nScene Description: A shot of South Park Elementary as segue music plays. In the teachers lounge, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Ms. Garrison, two other staff members, and all of the boys' parents are gathered.\nPrincipal Victoria: Thank you for coming, everyone. [Stan, Kyle, Butters and Kenny walk in.]\nPrincipal Victoria: Boys, please take a seat.\nStan: [The boys sit down.] What's going on? Are we in trouble?\nPrincipal Victoria: Boys, the reason we called you all in is because one of your friends... has a serious illness. Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV.\nStan: [All five boys are surprised.] ...What?\nButters: Oh no.\nDoctor Matlock: He's been to several specialists after a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in very early stages and completely manageable, but he's naturally a bit scared.\nKyle: Cartman has HIV?\nDoctor Matlock: We need everyone to understand you can't get the virus from Eric. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just-\nKyle: Excuse me. Eric Cartman has HIV?\nPrincipal Victoria: All right, we're going to bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love, okay?\nMr. Mackey: [Opens the back door] Eric? Come on in, your friends want to say \"Hi\", m'kay? [Eric walks into the room with a black baseball cap, a gray scarf, and an annoyed look. Everyone greets him.]\nKyle: ...No. Way.\nButters: [Walks over to Cartman, putting an arm around his shoulder] How ya doin', Eric? You know, I think you're a real special little guy, and even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you. [Smiles and kisses Cartman on the cheek, much to his horror]\nCartman: God damn it, this sucks ass!\nKyle: ...Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute. [Leaves the room and begins laughing in the hallway. It can be heard from in the room.]\nButters: Poor Kyle. He's really taking it hard.\nCartman: Is Kyle laughing out there!? This isn't a time for funny jokes, I'm gonna die!\nDoctor Matlock: No, you're not going to die, Eric. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be. There are advances in treatment and-\nCartman: Not a big deal!? Is that how everyone feels!? People need to understand the seriousness of this illness, and the bravery of the people who struggle with it!\nScene Description: A shot of the Airport Hilton, where Elton John is scheduled to hold an AIDS benefit for Eric Cartman\nScene Description: Inside, a group of people are in the grand ballroom. Pictures of Cartman hang on the walls. An M.C. steps up to the mic\nM.C.: We are here tonight to salute the bravery and the courage of one very special little boy who is living with HIV. [there's hardly anyone there: just his mom, Butters, Jimmy, and two other adults.]\nCartman: Where the hell is everybody? [a waitress arrives with some food]\nLiane: Excuse me, shouldn't we wait for everyone to arrive before we get started?\nWaitress: This is everyone. We didn't sell that many tickets.\nButters: Great benefit, Eric!\nJimmy: The Italian meatballs are fa-fantastic.\nCartman: So this is it?\nWaitress: I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't as popular as they used to be. AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease. It's all about cancer now. [leaves]\nCartman: Well that's just great! Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops givin' a crap!\nM.C.: With all of your help, we have raised over seventeen dollars for AIDS tonight, and that money will certainly go towards helping little Eric Markman.\nCartman: Just bring out Elton John already!\nM.C.: Uh we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it. He- uh, he had to play at a cancer benefit.\nWaitress: It's all right, we got somebody better: Jimmy Buffett!\nCartman: Jimmy Buffett?!\nJimmy Buffett: Hello everyone. I wrote this song for a very brave little boy. AIDSburger in paradise! AIDSburger and it ain't nice!\nCartman: Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South!\nJimmy Buffett: A little boy in South Park Dyin' of AIDS in the cold dark How he got AIDS I haven't a clue. Wastin' away again because of AIDS and stuff How are we all feelin' tonight?\nCartman: [sticks his middle finger up in the air] Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett! You fuckin' suck!\nLiane: Ohoho poopsiekins, be nice.\nCartman: Fuck you Mom, I have fucking AIDS!\nScene Description: The neighborhood bus stop, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny wait for the bus. Cartman walks up, dressed as he was a day or two ago\nCartman: Hey guys, thanks a lot for comin' to my AIDS benefit yesterday.\nStan: Oh dude, was that yesterday? We forgot.\nCartman: Yeah, you forgot. Just like a lot of people lately have forgot that AIDS is still killing people! Seems like all of America has forgot that HIV is a serious disease.\nStan: Well, did... Elton John sing a song for you?\nCartman: ...No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead. [Kyle bursts out laughing; Cartman angrily approaches him] OH YEAH, it'S REAL FUCKIN' FUNNY, KYLE!\nKyle: [trying to stop laughing long enough to say something] I'm sorry. I'm. I'm really. Cartman, I f-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.\nCartman: NO YOU DON'T!\nKyle: I do. [smiles and keeps from laughing]\nCartman: If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! [the smirk is having trouble not breaking into a laugh] Well any goddamned second, Kyle!\nKyle: I'm sorry. I gotta go home. [laughs, turns away and leaves. His laughter trails off]\nCartman: [watched Kyle leave] Jesus Christ, can you believe that asshole?!\nStan: He does feel bad for you, Cartman; he just thinks it's... ironic.\nCartman: Ironic how?\nStan: Well, you know, you're always such a dick and stuff, and, and now...\nCartman: [spins around and gets in Stan's face] Oh, and what?! I deserve it?! Is that what you think?!\nStan: [backs away a bit] Not me! That's, uh, kinda what he thinks.\nCartman: [advances] Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny! Nobody! It's awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is asleep in his room, his curtains partially open. Outside in the bushes, Butters appears dressed as a cat burglar\nButters: Oh, uh-okay, it's clear.\nCartman: [comes into view also dressed as a cat burglar] All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up. [they head towards the sliding door]\nButters: Okay, but... what are you going to do?\nCartman: Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at.\nButters: I just uh... well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly.\nCartman: Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most important things you can do.\nButters: I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson?\nCartman: I'm not just sure, Butters. I'm HIV-positive.\nButters: [reflects on the answer] Oh yeah, uh-well I guess that's true.\nCartman: [gets down to business] All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window; that's the easiest access.\nButters: Wow, you really know what you're doing.\nCartman: Yeah, I've sneaked into Kyle's room lots of times. [moments later, Cartman is shown moving up along the outer wall to Kyle's window. He stops and opens the window gingerly, silently steps onto Kyle's bed, and walks over to Kyle's face. Then he whispers] You think HIV is something to be laughed at, Kyle? Well... [reaches into his back pack, pulls out a syringe, rolls up the sleeves on his left arm and...] let's just see how funny it is now, asshole. [...draws some blood into it and drops the blood into Kyle's mouth. Kyle instinctively tastes it and swallows it. Cartman quickly goes back out the window and slams it shut as Kyle wakes up.]\nKyle: Wagh.\nScene Description: South Park clinic. Kyle sits on the bed as Sheila hands him some tissue. He sneezes.\nSheila: There there, bubbe, you'll be okay. [a doctor walks into the room] Oh doctor, did you find anything? Is it strep?\nDr. Doctor: No, it isn't strep...\nSheila: Oh, well there's a relief.\nDr. Doctor: ...Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever had a blood transfusion?\nSheila: No, why?\nDr. Doctor: [walks around to Kyle's end of the bed] Little boy, have you been having unprotected anal sex?\nKyle: What? No?!\nSheila: Doctor, what are you saying?\nDr. Doctor: [walks up to Sheila] We've run every test imaginable... little Kyle here is infected with HIV.\nKyle: What?\nSheila: HIV?\nDr. Doctor: It took us a long time to narrow it down, but there is no doubt.\nSheila: No, that's impossible!\nDr. Doctor: [addresses Kyle] Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?\nKyle: No! No God damn it no! I'm telling you you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [his eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman deliberately infected him with the HIV virus.] Oh my God. \"[gets angry]\" That son of a bitch! [hops off the bed and rushes out the door]\nSheila: Kyle? Kyle!\nScene Description: Recess at South Park Elementary. The boys are outside tossing a football. Craig catches a football and looks for an opening\nCartman: Pass me the ball! [Kyle angrily runs in from a distance...] Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [...and shoves Cartman forward at full speed. Cartman falls on his face, then looks back at Kyle.] Kyle, what the F?!\nKyle: I'm gonna kill you, Cartman!\nCartman: Kyle, what?!\nStan: [steps into view] What did he do?\nKyle: Why do I have HIV?!\nClyde: ...Oh...\nCartman: Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?\nKyle: What did you do?!\nCartman: Nothing!\nKyle: Then why did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?! [Behind Cartman, Butters motions Kyle not to say anything further]\nCartman: Oh nice, Butters, you big tattle-tale. [too late. Butters stops motioning]\nKyle: Tattle-tale?! Do you know how serious this is?!\nCartman: Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p-\nKyle: [lunges at Cartman] AAAAAAA! [starts punching him mercilessly, the other kids start cheering and jumping up and down while one girl does not and looks on with concern while titling her head.]\nCartman: Kyle!\nKyle: [doesn't let up] Hate you! [punch] Hate you! [punch. Mr. Mackey walks into the fray]\nMr.Mackey: Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate the boys...] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [...but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Mr. Mackey has taken Kyle and Cartman there and now stands next to the principal\nPrincipal Victoria: All right, boys, now what is this fighting all about?\nKyle: [pointing to Cartman] He gave me AIDS!\nPrincipal Victoria: What?\nKyle: He purposely infected me with his HIV virus!\nPrincipal Victoria: Is that true, Eric? Did you give Kyle AIDS?\nCartman: Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!\nPrincipal Victoria: [pointedly] Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?!\nCartman: [grudgingly] Kind of.\nMr. Mackey: Eric, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease!\nPrincipal Victoria: That's right. I think you owe Kyle an apology.\nCartman: [grudgingly] I'm sorry.\nKyle: An apology?!\nPrincipal Victoria: You're sorry for what, Eric?\nCartman: I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.\nPrincipal Victoria: That's better. And now Kyle, maybe you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.\nKyle: [can't believe these adults] ...What?!\nMr. Mackey: Kyle, the thing about tattlin' is, eh tattlin's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?\nKyle: A tattle-tale?! He infected me with AIDS!\nCartman: See? He's tattling again. He hasn't learned a thing you guys. [they are shown the door]\nScene Description: The hallway. Kyle walks forward and leaves the principal's office. The camera tracks him, and Cartman begins to move as well.\nCartman: [keeping pace with Kyle] Well Kyle, I guess we're even now. Shall we just call it a truce? Kyle? Shall we call it Even Stevens now? [stops] Kyle, where are you going?\nKyle: [turns around and returns to Cartman, then says between gritted teeth calmly but angrily] I am going to break everything that you own. [spins around and walks away]\nCartman: What's that supposed to mean? Kyle? [settles on the obvious] Kyle, no! I apologized, Kyle!!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, front. Kyle approaches the front door and opens it. He goes right in and up the stairs. Cartman appears by the driveway a few seconds later\nCartman: Kyle! Kyle, hold on, you asshole! [Kyle enters Cartman's room and begins breaking anything he sees. First, a toy rocket. Then, he grabs a poster of Braveheart from the wall and rips it apart while screaming in rage. Next, he grabs the Wellington Bear Magic Mic and smashes it on the floor. Cartman walks in.] What the fuck are you doing?! [picks up some of his broken toys. Kyle knocks over a box of small toys] Kyle, stop it! [Kyle breaks apart a toy Mountie after three tries] God damn it, don't! [Kyle walks over to Cartman's big toy box, grabs Clyde Frog,..] Kyle, no! Not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [...and rips its head right off and moves off.] NO!! [Cartman picks up the two halves of his plush frog as Kyle moves to the XBOX] AHH! Clyde Frog!! Clyde Frog you ba- no! Not the Xbox, Kyle! [Kyle picks it up and tries to pull it out of the power socket] Not the X-wait! WAIT A SECOND! [stops Kyle before Kyle gets to smash the XBOX on the floor] I'm sorry I gave you HIV, all right?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you!\nKyle: There is no cure, you asshole!\nCartman: No, no, listen, Kyle! I'm on to something. There really is hope.\nKyle: What hope?!\nCartman: Break my Xbox and you'll never know.\nKyle: You're lying!\nCartman: NO! No-al-, all right Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson.\nKyle: Magic Johnson?\nCartman: He was a basketball player.\nKyle: So what?!\nCartman: So he got HIV like fifty years ago, and he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [grabs Kyle's shoulder] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness; I swear it to you!\nKyle: [looks at the XBOX for a few moments, then] You better! 'Cause if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox!\nCartman: [stunned] My God...\nScene Description: Denver International Airport. A list of gates are shown. Kyle and Cartman walk in and go to a Delta Airlines clerk\nCartman: We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible.\nClerk: Los Angeles. Okay, uh I have a two o'clock flight. That would beee... $400 each.\nCartman: Ah, sir, you don't understand. We have to see Magic Johnson right away. You see, we have AIDS.\nClerk: ...AIDS? Wow, that's really... retro. But ah I'm sorry. I- I just can't give away free seats.\nCartman: Don't you get it?! We are two pals afflicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a deadly disease for no reason!\nKyle: Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him!\nClerk: Oh, you boys are [sticks his left index finger into a tube he makes with his right hand and moves it in and out of the tube] like that, huh?\nKyle: NO!\nClerk: Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash?\nCartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.\nClerk: Uh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d-. Heh-hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies?\nCartman: Forget it, all right?! We'll use another airline! One that cares! [turns around and leaves Kyle standing there]\nScene Description: The interior of an airplane. Cartman and Kyle sit in aisle seats near the front of the cabin. A flight attendant walks up to them\nFlight attendant: We're so happy to help accommodate you brave boys. What kind of cancer did you say you have again?\nCartman: Oh uh, you know, all over cancer.\nFlight attendant: I'm so sorry.\nCartman: Yeah, well, at least [leans into the aisle and looks back at the other passengers] it's not as bad as having AIDS. AIDS is the worst disease.\nFlight attendant: Hm, I don't know. These days I think I'd rather have AIDS than cancer.\nCartman: No you wouldn't! Look, shouldn't you be serving people drinks or something?! Get outta here! [the flight attendant turns and walks away] We're on our way, buddy. [puts his left hand on Kyle's right hand] Magic Johnson, here we come.\nKyle: [coldly] Don't. Touch me.\nCartman: [removes his hand from Kyle's and places his hands together over his stomach] I know. I'm scared too.\nScene Description: Magic Johnson's mansion, day. Behind it is a smoggy horizon.\nScene Description: Magic Johnson's mansion, living room. Magic has his feet propped up on a glass coffee table. He's spinning a basketball on his right index finger as he changes channels with his left hand. An NBA Championship trophy sits on a small table to the left\nButler: Magic. Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you. Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS. All they have are each other in a race against time. [Magic sheds a big tear and sniffs]\nKyle: [moments later] Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.\nMagic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?\nCartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.\nKyle: [quickly irritated; exploding] Will you stop it with that!?! [angrily points at Cartman] What part of this is funny to you?!!\nCartman: Kyle, we need to try to find a-\nKyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!!\nCartman: [thinks for a few seconds] I don't think it's funny, Kyle.\nKyle: [angrily points at Cartman again] Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV positive!! [Cartman keeps quiet] This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, [points at Cartman a third time with his eyes closed.] So shut the fuck up!!\nCartman: [clears his throat] Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things... seem their darkest you just need to try and stay... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I-\nKyle: [angrily points at Cartman a fourth time] Knock it off!! Right now!! This isn't funny!! At all!!\nCartman: [waits a second] Are you sure?\nKyle: [quickly] Yes!!!\nCartman: [waits a second] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle smacks him] Aarrhh! Ow, fuck, Kyle!\nMagic: Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus. I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't. [shrugs]\nKyle: Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing. Do you mind if we just look around?\nMagic: Well, not at all.\nScene Description: The hallway. Magic and the boys pass various rooms\nMagic: The pool is over there [motions to his left], where I try to swim and stay in shape. My kitchen [motions to his right] is full of pretty healthy food. I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I... try it all.\nKyle: But everyone tries that. There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't. Could we see where you sleep?\nMagic: Sure.\nScene Description: The bedroom. The double doors swing open and the group enters\nMagic: Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom. [before them is the four-post bed with curtains, and stacks of dollar bills everywhere else]\nKyle: Dude.\nMagic: Oh, oh yeah, I- I don't trust banks. I sleep with all my money.\nKyle: You sleep with money. Every night?\nMagic: Yeah, I like to keep it close b- ...You don't think that..?\nScene Description: AIDS Research Center, day. Inside a laboratory there, a scientist analyzes a blood sample through a microscope\nScientist 1: [changes focus] It's incredible. Mitch, these boys could be onto something. Take a look. [Mitch steps in and looks into the microscope] That's a sample of HIV-infected blood. You can clearly see the HIV attacking the white blood cells, right? [the HIV is indeed attacking] All right. Watch what happens when we introduce some cash. [waves a brick of bills around near the microscope]\nMitch: My God. The HIV particles are receding! [the particles scream as they sense the money, and leave the white blood cells alone]\nScientist 1: The cash does seem to retrain the HIV cells from stabilizing.\nScientist 2: Now hold on! All the cash is doing is destabilizing the virus, not destroying it.\nKyle: Well look, if being around lots of cash negatively affects the HIV, then maybe...\nMitch: Then maybe enough cash shot directly into the bloodstream could kill the virus altogether.\nMagic: I have enough cash for all three of us! We should give it a try!\nScientist 2: Na-noo, it's ridiculous. We need FDA approval, control studies! I'm sorry, but this is impossible!\nMagic: These boys have shown us that a lot of impossible things can happen. [genuflects next to them] Their friendship has conquered every obstacle in their illness-ridden lives.\nScientist 2: [sighs heavily and puts his hands on a lab table] Their incredible friendship has brought a sparkle of hope to our world, that's for sure.\nKyle: [looks away] Wugh.\nScientist 2: I suppose we could try to distill Magic's cash down to its... most highly-concentrated level and... try it on one of them. But it's very risky.\nCartman: Yeah well, if there's a chance of being cured of this illness, then Kyle is willing to take that risk.\nScene Description: moments later, a tank holding a lot of Magic's dollar bills is brought in. A shredder is lowered into the tank and turned on. It shreds the bills to into pulp and then is lifted out. The tank is lifted up over a cylinder and the pulp is poured from the tank to the cylinder, which turns out to be a giant pump. The pump is activated and pushes the pulp into a helical tube. At the end of the tube is a small chamber which distills the pulp into a clear green liquid and acts as a dropper. The liquid drips into a large syringe. Once it fills up, Mitch takes it...\nMitch: Let's hope to Christ this works. [...walks over to Kyle, kneels next to him, and injects him with the liquid. Moments later, a sample of Kyle's blood is taken and analyzed]\nScientist 1: Wait a minute... Yes... Yes, take a look! [he trades places with Scientist 2, who looks into the microscope] The cash particles have completely replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood! [the newly repaired blood cells look like discs cut out of dollar bills. Scientist 1 turns around and faces the boys.] Boys, you just found the cure for AIDS.\nCartman: All right!\nScientist 1: [throws open the lab doors and walks out] They found the cure for AIDS! [runs down the hall] The cure for AIDS!\nScientist 3: What is it?\nScientist 1: [grabs Scientist 3 by the shoulders] Large doses of concentrated cash! [runs down the hall] Get the media on the phone!\nScientist 4: [female] All right!\nScene Description: SNN News\nAnchorman: Scientists have just discovered the cure... for AIDS. [smiles] About a hundred and eighty thousand dollars shot directly into the bloodstream.\nScene Description: Nigeria, Africa, around sunset. A station wagon pulls up and a blond driver jumps out\nDriver: Hey! They just found the cure for AIDS! You just have to inject yourself with all your cash! Woohoo!\nScene Description: A Cure For AIDS benefit at the Airport Hilton's Grand Ballroom\nM.C.: I am pleased to announce that there is no trace of the HIV virus in either Kyle Broflovski or Eric Cartman. [the room applauds. Most everyone present is from South Park] Together these boys beat their illness. With nothing but each other, and overcoming all odds [Kyle's face gets angry], these two brave friends-\nKyle: Oh stop! We're not friends! He's the one who infected me with AIDS!\nM.C.: These two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world. And so, to honor these boys [Cartman grins. Kyle is still angry], here is... Jimmy Buffett!\nCartman: [grin vanishing] What?! Aw, no!\nJimmy Buffett: Cureburger in paradise! Cureburger. There I said it twice!\nCartman: What?! Aw, God damn it! [puts his arm around Kyle] Well I'll tell you this, Kyle. I'm never gettin' my tonsils out again, hahahaha.\nKyle: I'm still breaking your Xbox. [turns right and walks off]\nCartman: What? No. No. [runs after him] Kyle, no!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A TV screen showing animated graphics: Decision 2008 Debate, on Fox 31\nAnnouncer: Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it's Decision 2008.\nModerator: [in a droning voice] Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama. [turns to them] First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent?\nScene Description: Stan's house. Randy has the four boys seated on the couch as they all watch TV together. Randy has a beer in his left hand. Butters is passed out while the other three boys are half asleep.\nStan: Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this?\nRandy: This is important, Stanley! [the boys look at him] You boys should care about this stuff.\nCartman: Yeah, but we totally don't.\nRandy: Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters!\nModerator: And so, Mr. Obama, why don't you tell us your stance on military spending?\nBarack Obama: Well, my opinion is that-\nScene Description: Emergency New Bulletin\nAnnouncer: We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin! It's... Britney Watch! [a montage of Britney pictures is stamped with a stamp saying \"Britney Watch\" inside it. Dramatic background music starts up] Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!\nButters: [wakes up and looks at the screen] Man...\nRandy: [getting excited, leans forward] Oh-oh boy, what's she done now?\nAnchorman: Britney Spears has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss... in the forest. Robert Pooner has more.\nRobert Pooner: Ron, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all. [the boys react to the news]\nCartman: Aw dude, that's our town!\nRobert Pooner: Ms. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground [shots of her pitching a tent and relaxing in a chair after the tent is up], and you won't believe what she did, Ron. The troubled diva took a piss. Right on a ladybug. We've blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend. [a shot of her squatting and pissing on the ladybug. The blurred area is her face]\nRandy: She's such a train wreck!\nRobert Pooner: When the photo is enhanced, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused. [extreme closeup of the piss hitting the ladybug]\nRon: [the anchorman] This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and, and she looks like she's gained weight.\nRobert Pooner: That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up. And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she's got some zits! [a closeup of her chin shows two zits]\nButters: Aw, poor girl.\nRandy: [rising from his armchair] Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug. [heads towards the kitchen]\nRon: The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado [a photo of Brian Willis holding lots of bricks of money appears], who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars.\nKyle: A hundred thousand dollars?\nCartman: That's enough to buy slaves!\nRon: Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel. Aand now back to the stupid Democratic debates.\nHillary Clinton: ...and spearchuckers.\nKyle: [gets off the sofa] Did you guys hear that?! A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney.\nStan: [gets off the sofa] And she's at a hotel in our town. [Cartman gets up as well and gets restless]\nKyle: It's gotta be the Komfort Inn. It's the nicest hotel in South Park. Cartman, go get your camera.\nCartman: [runs off] Sweet!\nButters: [finally gets up] Hey, hanguh, hang on, fellas, don't you think Britney's been through enough? I mean, maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone.\nStan: [thinks a bit, then] Butters, don't be such a pussy.\nButters: [looks at Stan, then at Kyle] Hokay. [smiles]\nScene Description: The sidewalk. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk along, Cartman has his camera with him\nKyle: A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug. Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth!\nButters: [hidden, comes to the front] Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for tryin' to make an easy buck! [something stops them in their tracks]\nStan: Oh no.\nScene Description: Before them is the Komfort Inn, with a crowd of paparazzi standing in front of it. The boys walk up to the crowd\nKyle: Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears!\nPhotographer 1: Join the club.\nPhotographer 2: Yeah, all you amateur photographers are makin' this tougher on the professionals!\nCartman: We're professionals too, you fuckin' butthole! [the boys make it through the crowd and approach a set of stairs. A security guard stops them]\nGuard: Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs.\nKyle: [stammers] We uh, we have special permission?\nStan: Yeah, don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.\nGuard: You are?\nButters: [not amused] Not me! I'm a squirrel!\nScene Description: A hotel room. Britney is painting her toenails on a low table while on the phone with someone\nBritney: But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs. I didn't even know it was there. I can't take it anymore. I'm just sooo- [several knocks are heard at her door]\nGuard: Excuse me, Ms. Spears, but your kids are here and they've brought you a squirrel.\nBritney: My boys? Really? Send them in. [to the caller] It's okay. My kids are here. I feel better now. [hangs up. Stan and the others enter the room]\nKyle: We did it guys!\nStan: I told you that would work!\nThe Boys: Yehehahah, all right!\nKyle: Ahall right!\nBritney: [walks up to them] You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain't here?\nKyle: All right. Butters, go get next to her.\nButters: I ain't doin' it! We tricked her and it wasn't nice!\nStan: Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not?\nBritney: [walks back to the table] You're never gonna leave me alone, are you?\nButters: It ain't right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are! [Britney opens a drawer and pulls something out]\nKyle: All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters!\nStan: Yeah, we'll just get a picture of her doing something else.\nCartman: [aims his camera] All right lady, just flash us your crotch or somethin'.\nBritney: I've got a better idea.\nStan: You do?\nBritney: Yeah. [whips out a big shotgun, shoves the nozzle into her mouth, and pulls the trigger]\nStan, Kyle: NO! [the gun goes off and she falls to the ground. The gun falls away from her. All four boys stand there all petrified. Cartman does not take any pictures. After a bit, Cartman turns and runs out. Butters looks at Stan and Kyle, then heads for the door]\nButters: [stops and looks back] You killed her! [leaves]\nGuard: Hey, everything all right u-. Oh.\nScene Description: A hospital. Not Hell's Pass. Stan and Kyle sit on chairs outside a room, waiting for word on Britney's condition.\nNurse: [over the PA system] Paging Dr. Bender? Paging Dr. Bender, please? [another nurse wheels an elderly patient across the hall]\nStan: We should have just left her alone. But we just had to push her.\nKyle: How could we know she would... Aw we suck so hard.\nDoctor: [walks up to Stan and Kyle and faces them] She's... alive.\nKyle: Whew.\nStan: Oh, thank God.\nDoctor: But, we almost lost her. Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone?\nKyle: Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute?\nDoctor: I don't want you making her upset.\nStan: We don't wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we're sorry.\nDoctor: [sighs] All right.\nScene Description: Britney's recovery room\nDoctor: [enters with Stan and Kyle] Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something. [Britney gargles something. Only her lower jaw and the base of her skull remain of her head]\nKyle: Oh my God!\nStan: Oh no!\nDoctor: [by Britney's side] The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney. [glares at Stan and Kyle] Right, boys?!\nKyle: Oh, yeah. Yeh-yeah. It's a-it's not even noticeable. [Britney gargles something back. The boys join the doctor at her side]\nDoctor: Well, I'll let you boys have your say. [walks off. Britney gargles something]\nStan: [his voice shaking] Ms. Spears, uh... we're... really... sorry for making you want to kill yourself.\nKyle: Oh, God, what have we done?!\nScene Description: Britney Watch returns, complete with montage and music\nAnnouncer: It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!\nReporter: [outside Denver Medical Center, with photographers swarming the area] You won't believe what Britney's done now. The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy \"no top part of my head\" look. This video [shown as he speaks] was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason. And if we zoom in on the footage, right, ri-right here [the camera zooms in on the left breast], you can also definitely see a boob job scar. No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past.\nAnchorman: O ho ho, oh houch, that's gotta be embarrassing. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears went for this radical \"no top of the head\" look?\nChris: No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now. Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out.\nScene Description: Denver Medical Center, Britney's recovery room. The window begins to crowd with photographers and flash bulbs begin to go off. Stan and Kyle look back at the window. The photographers begin to clamor for Britney's attention\nKyle: [he and Stan are blinded by the flash] Dude! [the doctor reaches the curtains and closes them, but the flashes don't stop going off]\nDoctor: Damn it, she can't handle any stress right now!\nManager: Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager. [sees her in bed] Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were ya thinkin'? First you shave your head and now this.\nBritney: Guglo.\nManager: Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that.\nPaparazzo: Brit! Over here, Brit. One for Star Weekly. [Britney instinctively raises her left arm to shield her eyes from the camera, though she has no eyes now]\nDoctor: Damn it you have to take her out of here; she can't be around all this right now.\nBritney: Right. We need to take her home. Boys, can you give me a hand with her?\nStan: Yeah, of course. [begins to help out]\nScene Description: A side entrance. The manager opens the door and looks around for any photographers\nManager: [softly] Okay, come on! [leads the boys and Britney out] My car is right here. [opens the door and gets in. The photographers are within earshot...]\nPhotographer 3: Hey look!\nPhotographer 4: There she is! [A photographer points and his face becomes distorted. The photographers rush the car before the manager can leave]\nKyle: Oh crap! [the photographers again clamor for Britney's attention, and one of them asks about her choice of shoes]\nStan: Jesus Christ!\nManager: Yeah yeah, it's like this all the time. [to the photographers] Thank you! Yes, thanks. [drives out of the crowd and peels away. The paparazzi look on and then pursue the car on foot]\nStan: Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can.\nManager: That's great, boys. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you. And don't worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself. We just need to get her into the recording studio right away.\nKyle: What?!\nScene Description: Britney's recording studio. Stan and Kyle are there with the manager and the studio crew, and they're outraged at the way Britney is being treated.\nManager: All right, Britney, let's take it from the top. Remember to bring that sexiness to it.\nKyle: Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now?\nBruce: All right, Brit, let's try it from the top. [a studio hand gives her some headphones to work with, and she holds them up against what would be her right ear. She gargles intermittently]\nFemale Aide: God, what a train wreck.\nMale Aide: She must be stoned again. [Britney continues to gargle more often and longer]\nStan: Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse.\nManager: Whattaya mean? She sounds great. [suddenly stops the music] Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be \"love elation\". Sounds more like you're saying \"love creation\".\nBritney: Gogehah.\nManager: E-la-tion. Really enunciate the L.\nBritney: Egeul-gageol\nBruce: Gah, she's so stupid.\nStan: What do you expect?! Look at her! She doesn't have most of her brain!\nBruce: I know. She's really dumb, huh? [smiles]\nStan: No, I mean, she literally doesn't have most of her brain! Her head is gone!\nBruce: [cups his hands like he's grabbing Britney] Yeah. And she's all fat, too.\nBritney: Okel?\nScene Description: MTV Video Music Awards 2007\nAnnouncer: Live, from Las Vegas, it's the MTV Video Music Awards\nVJ: What's up, y'all? It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right. Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears! [two stage hands walk Britney out on stage]\nKyle: Aw come on now, people! [the manager is pleased with the performance]\nWoman: Oh my God, she's really gotten chubby. [the song begins: \"It's Britney, bitch!\" Britney is waiting for her cue as dancers swirl around her. She begins to warble, and it echoes. She walks and immediately a dancer keeps her from falling.]\nSingers: The way she fee-els. [Britney leans over, and another dancer stands her up again. She warbles some more] Love inside.\nMan: Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing.\nStan: [annoyed] She doesn't have any lips!\nSingers: Temporary. [Britney warbles some more. Two male dancers come by and turn her around so the camera can focus on her ass] So hot! [a few moments she gets a solo segment and four male dancers fawn over her]\nScene Description: Post-Awards report\nReporter: Disaster at the MTV awards. People are ridiculing Britney Spears. Her performance was awful, Tom. She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head. It was just completely phoned in. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues.\nScene Description: A green room. Britney, her manager, and the boys are watching the news report\nManager: Don't listen to 'em, Brit! They're all just jealous. And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow. [walks over to the door and opens it. The paparazzi is there, piled on from floor to ceiling] Hang on, hang on, she'll be out in a minute. [leaves, closing the door. No paparazzi get in. Once the place is silent, she sits back on her armchair and relaxes with a sigh. Stan and Kyle can only look on]\nStan: We have to get her away from all this, dude. People just aren't gonna let up. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace.\nKyle: Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her?\nStan: [strokes his chin and takes a few steps forward] I know where.\nScene Description: TransTrak station: \"Travel by Train.\" It's 2:24 in the afternoon when Stan pops up at the window\nStan: We want three tickets to the North Pole. [the clerk stops what he's doing and looks around]\nClerk: The North Pole? [leaves his chair and walks to the window] Who the hell goes to the North Pole?\nStan: We do. Me, my friend, and his aunt. [Kyle and Britney stand behind him. Britney is wearing a wig, sunglasses, and hat as a disguise]\nScene Description: Britney Watch returns...\nAnnouncer: [breathless] It's Britney Wowtch!\nRon: A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise! [a shot of Stan and Kyle leading Britney down the street]\nRobert Pooner: Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she's become desperate. Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe. [the camera zooms in on her crotch to show what looks like a camel's toe under her shorts]\nRon: Oooooh, ouch!\nAnchorwoman: Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense.\nLeslie: Absolutely major camel toe, Tracy. Britney just seems oblivious. She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you're gonna turn heads.\nRon: [grunts a little] Eh, David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was? [a shot of Britney and a camel toe together]\nRobert Pooner: She was sportin' toe like never before, Brian. I, I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but, it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet.\nRon: Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe. And now back to the local news.\nTracy: [a picture of Butters being dragged towards an animal control truck] The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it's a person. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation.\nRon: Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts.\nScene Description: The platform at TransTrak.\nKyle: Platform 4F. Uhhh, it must be on the other side of the station.\nPaparazzo: [behind the boys] There she is! It's Britney! [more photographers show up and begin to take pictures]\nStan: Oh no. [he and Kyle quickly whisk Britney away, the photographers hot on their tails. They pass a room whose door is slightly open. Seconds later they return to it, go in, and shut the door]\nStan: Dude, they're never gonna let us through.\nKyle: Yes they are! I have an idea.\nPaparazzo 2: Britney? Where'd she go?\nPaparazzo 3: There she is! [Kyle appears wearing Britney's disguise. He turns to look at the paparazzi, then runs away. The paparazzi start taking pictures and following him. He runs down the street, the paparazzi pursue him]\nScene Description: Inside the train. Stan leads Britney to a couple of seats by a window. Britney is wearing Kyle's hat\nStan: It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon. [Britney gargles something]\nScene Description: The streets. Kyle continues to lead the paparazzi away from Britney and tries to lose them at the same time\nManager: There she is. Hey Britney, it's me. [Kyle ignores him and keeps running. He joins the paparazzi in chasing \"Britney\" down. Kyle runs through a park; they're right behnd him. Kyle runs into a garden full of statues, stops, and turns around] Britney. It's over. What were you runnin' for anyway?\nReporter: Hey, wait a minute. Where's her camel toe?!\nKyle: [takes off the sunglasses] I'm not Britney Spears, all right?!\nPaparazzo 5: Ooo, psych!\nManager: She must be back at the train station; come on! [they turn around and go back]\nKyle: Now, wait a minute! Everyone just stop for one minute! [the group turns around. Kyle drops the sunglasses] Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her. Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watching celebrities go down can be fun. Me and my friends are just as guilty as all of you, but maybe, we'll just, maybe, ...it's time to let this one go. Just this one time, let's, let's all stop before it's too late, huh?\nPaparazzo 6: [steps forward] Son, you don't seem to understand. Britney Spears... has to die.\nKyle: [quizzically] Huh? [thunder starts rolling in the distance]\nPaparazzo 7: What do you think all this effort has been for?\nManager: [a sinister smile crosses his face] It cannot be stopped. The purpose is too great.\nOfficer: It's not just the press. Everyone agrees. She must... die.\nBackground Singers: Hetus. Alte omnebus. [the photographers begins to join in] Virtu e poquebus. [other adults join in this nonsensical Latin chant]\nScene Description: The TransTrak train heads north through the Rockies\nNarrator: Little Stanley was tired and hungry. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole.\nStan: You doing okay, Ms. Spears? [she gargles. From the train's cab, the conductor looks back at Britney and Stan through the cab door's window]\nConductor: [on the phone] It's her. Um no, I'm sure it's Britney Spears; [looks at a photo] it looks just like the picture. [the photo he holds is that of a camel's toe, not of Britney] You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand. [begins chanting] Rectus. Hoc honebus\nScene Description: A small town. A car stops and its passengers empty out: Britney's manager, two cameramen, and Kyle. The manager walks up to an elderly man and shakes hands with him\nElderly Man: Hello, I'm Bob Summers, so happy you picked our little town.\nKyle: What is going on?! Why do you want Britney Spears to die?!\nBob Summers: Well nobody wants her to die, little boy. We all simply... need her to. Do you understand?\nKyle: NO!\nPaparazzo 8: Look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in... human sacrifice.\nBob Summers: In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then... watch her die.\nPaparazzo 9: We like to think we're more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for torture and death is no different than it was in gladiator times.\nPaparazzo 10: Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs.\nCanadian Paparazzo: It's a damn shame too. Old ways were bettah. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery an' then stoned them to death.\nWoman: Stonin' to death was too violent. Rather have the sacrifice kill itself.\nKyle: You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself?\nMan: Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed. For harvest.\nPaparazzo 11: All right, everyone's about here.\nKyle: [bewildered] Who's everyone?! Who all is in on this?!\nScene Description: The TransTrak train. Everyone is sleeping when the train comes to a sudden stop and the whistle blows. They wake up.\nMale passenger: Hey, where are we? This isn't right. [Stan looks out the window quickly. Outside is an empty field, but a horde of photographers race through it and reach the train, clamoring for her attention and ready to take pictures]\nStan: Oh no!\nBritney: Ohhh thoooo!\nStan: [hops down and grabs Britney's hand] Come on, Britney! [pulls her out the opposite side and into the field] Come on, come on! [as they run, Kyle's hat falls away. They reach the end of the field and enter a clearing. They look around and find themselves surrounded. All sorts of people are there, not just paparazzi. The escape route they just used is closed off by more spectators. Stan looks around and some faces are recognizable, like Irene. Sheila and Gerald show up]\nKyle: Mom, Dad! [runs up to them] They're gonna kill her! They're going to in-. Wait, what are you doing here?\nGerald: It's okay, Kyle. Just... be a good boy.\nKyle: Be a good boy? You know all about this?\nStan: Kyle, what the fuck is going on now?\nKyle: She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan!\nStan: Sacrificed? For what?\nRandy: For harvest, Stanley. Same reason we've always done it.\nCanadian Paparazzo: Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch.\nKyle: Corn harvest!\nRandy: We haven't told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest.\nStan: All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough!\nManager: The kid is right. This has gone on too long.\nPaparazzo 12: Yeah. She was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago.\nFarmer: And harvest is coming soon.\nBob Summers: All right, folks, let's finish this quickly. [everyone whips out a camera and starts taking pictures, closing in on Britney all the while]\nStan: No wait. [Britney groans. People get close, take pictures, then make way for more people]\nWoman 2: Come on, hurry up.\nWoman 3: [obese] I can't run. You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya. [the barrage of picture-taking continues. The McCormicks come up to take pictures. Britney drops to the ground, sort of pleading to be left alone]\nMother: Here Davey. [hands a camera to her son. The barrage continues, with Randy, Liane, other familiar faces... Britney wilts under the lights and finally lies down completely]\nBob Summers: [throws out his arms] Hold on. [a doctor walks up and checks for vital signs]\nDoctor: She's dead.\nRandy: Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone. [everyone turns and goes off in different directions under a windy and thunderous sky. Stan is left alone staring at Britney's corpse. Kyle is a little further away, but he too looks at the corpse]\nScene Description: Harvest time, dawn. The corn fields are shown, their stalks tall and full of corn. Three men are harvesting corn by hand nearby, and a motorized harvester takes care of corn in the distance\nScene Description: The town, late morning. A farmer's market is up. Two men are shown close-up in a booth stocked with yellow and white corn\nGil: Mornin' Bill.\nBill: Mornin' Gil.\nGil: [inspecting some yellow corn] Nice-lookin' corn.\nScene Description: South Park Market, day. Randy and Sharon check out the corn. Sheila passes.\nSheila: Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh? [begins to check out the corn as well. Sharon puts some corn into her shopping cart]\nRandy: An incredible harvest. Some of the best corn I've seen in years.\nET Reporter: [on TV screens throughout the store] She's the daughter of a country singer, and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar.\nJimbo: [near the beginning of the report] Hey, check it out! [the report ends and ominous music begins]\nRandy: [glued to the screen] Looks like next harvest will be even better. [begins to chant. The other shoppers join in, then Sheila, and finally, Stan and Kyle, who have apparently given up on talking sense to the adults. The image of the ET reporter and Miley stays onscreen]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to the class\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids in school are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it \"The Choking Game\", hm'kay but, but choking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay?\nKyle: You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it]\nMr. Mackey: Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay?\nButters: Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee.\nCartman: Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again]\nStan: That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you?\nMr. Mackey: Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat\nCartman: All right, this should keep my cat in place while he sprays the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows]\nKyle: You guys are wasting your time.\nStan: Yeah, this is not gonna work.\nCartman: Okay, ready Kenny?\nKenny: (All set.)\nCartman: All right, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty shoots concentrated piss into Kenny's face]\nKenny: (Woah.)\nKyle: Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him]\nStan: Do you feel anything?\nCartman: Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...]\nScene Description: Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kenny motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches all overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature stabs another one through the skull, killing him\nKenny: (Hey cool! Check it out!)\nFather: I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits.\nKenny: (Yeahhh!)\nFather: Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.\nKenny: (Okay!) [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he begins to undress] (Woop! Woo-hoo!)\nCartman: [through Kenny's hallucination] Kenny! Kenny, wake up! [In the middle of town, Cartman is stopping Kenny from disrobing any further] Wake up, Kenny! You all right? Kenny!\nKenny: (What?) [opens his eyes and looks around] (Where'd she go?) [stands up and pulls up his pants.]\nCartman: Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up. You were seriously tripping balls.\nKenny: (You fucking asshole!)\nCartman: Agh, Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you?\nKenny: [Punching Cartman] (What the fuck did you do that for?)\nCartman: Ah, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle come up to restrain Kenny]\nKyle: Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down!\nKenny: [walks away from them a bit, mad] (Aww i was so close! You should have seen her titties.)\nStan: What titties?\nKenny: [turns around] (The titties! Oh my god, they were incredible!)\nKyle: Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering.\nStan: Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and started tearing off all your clothes.\nKenny: (I almost... touched them.)\nKyle: Dude, I don't think we should be messing around with that crap anymore.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald walks in, grabs the remote from the sofa, turns on the TV, and sits down to watch\nAnnouncer: Next on FOX News! [SPECIAL REPORT: FOX NEWS] It's the newest drug craze. and it's killing your kids! [\"killing your kids\" appears over scenes of kids falling over]\nGerald: Killing our kids? [leans forward]\nReporter: All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: \"CHEESING\". Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day.] Why \"cheesing\"? Because it's \"fon to due\". [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months.\nGirl: [in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long.\nGerald: Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this!\nReporter: So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear] 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied. 2. Your child's face smells like cat urine. 3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth. You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as \"Hey, let's go cheese.\" or \"Do you feel like cheesing, guys?\" or \"Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now.\"\nSheila: [now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this?\nReporter: Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and an echoing meow]\nGerald: We have to protect our children from this, Sheila.\nScene Description: Town meeting, next day. On stage are Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Mayor McDaniels, Gerald (at the podium), Sheila, and Officer Barbrady\nGerald: Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as \"the cheese game\", or \"vitamin cheese\", or \"Mary Jane piss in your face fun time\". Cheesing is spreading fast.\nSharon: [stands up] All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do?\nGerald: I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park.\nStephen: [stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you!\nGerald: With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids can never get high again!\nRandy: [stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald!\nStephen: [stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Some agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. Craig Tucker's sister in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands\nTricia: No! No!\nAgent 1: Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat]\nMan: Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into his left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there\nAgent 2: Got two here.\nKenny: (Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!)\nAgent 1: Sorry, these are illegal.\nKenny: (What?! No! What are you doing?!) [the agents toss the cats into the van] (You fuckers!) [the van drives off.]\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room\nCartman: Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them.\nKyle: Guys, have you seen Kenny?\nStan: Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today.\nKyle: Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing.\nButters: Aww, come on. Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is.\nStan: Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed.\nCartman: Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously]\nKyle: Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's at home cheesing right now.\nScene Description: Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the large-breasted woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and launches it. It strikes the middle mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, killing him. The other two run away. Kenny runs to the woman, and she smiles at him. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs resting on Kenny's head\nKenny: (Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo!)\nScene Description: Kenny's house. Kyle, Stan, and Butters stand outside his door. Kyle pounds at the door.\nKyle: Kenny? [pounds three more times]\nStan: Kenny, you home? [Kenny yells some more. Alarmed, the boys open the door and enter the house. They see that Kenny was indeed cheesing. Two cats look back at them.]\nKenny: [really high] (Wooooooohoohoo! Woo! Wazzup? Wazzup?) [one cat runs out]\nKyle: Kenny!\nKenny: [still cheering and making flying motions] (Victory! Ho-Ho! Wooooooo!)\nButters: Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! [Kenny flutters some more, stops, and passes out, falling to the floor]\nStan, Kyle: Kenny!\nScene Description: Moments later, Kenny is at the dining room table. A lock of his hair peeks out from under his hood. Butters has prepared a cup of coffee and gives it to him. Stan and Kyle stand nearby\nButters: There you go. Well, try some coffee, Ken.\nKenny: [groans]\nKyle: Kenny, we need to have a serious talk.\nKenny: (No we don't, guys.)\nStan: Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life.\nKenny: (I'm not ruining my life, okay? Will you guys just back the fuck off?)\nKyle: Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! [abruptly, Kenny vomits, stops, then vomits again. Some of it gets on Butters' face and shirt.]\nButters: Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out.\nStan: Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you.\nKenny: [exhausted] (Ugh, okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.)\nButters: Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy?\nKyle: [grabs the other cat as it walks up to him] We've gotta keep this away from him.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman's room. He's asleep. A cat meows and awakens him. The cat meows again\nCartman: [sits up] Mr. Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows a 3rd time] Damn it! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mr. Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window and sees a cat, it meows] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms] I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstairs, closing the door behind him]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora\nCartman: [whispers and motions] All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him sadly, one of them meows] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman, Cartman starts to have tears in his eyes] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with folded clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs\nSheila: Huh? [removes the clothes hiding the cat] Oh my God... [moments later she's downstairs standing next to Gerald.]\nGerald: Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please?\nKyle: [walks up to them] Yeah?\nGerald: Kyle, have you been getting high?!\nKyle: [shrugs] No.\nGerald: Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?!\nKyle: [holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend.\nSheila: [pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle!\nGerald: How long have you been on the cheese?!\nKyle: I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life.\nGerald: Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this!\nKyle: Dad, will you just listen to me for a second?\nGerald: Now, Kyle!\nKyle: God! [goes upstairs]\nSheila: Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict!\nGerald: First thing is we've gotta dispose of this!\nSheila: What are you gonna do?\nGerald: I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off]\nScene Description: The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat.\nGerald: [showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues down the steps] I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [approaches a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused]\nScene Description: Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 bomber called Jewish Princess. He lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and is greeted by the large-breasted woman\nGerald: I couldn't stay away. Curse your rockin' tits!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to answer it.\nCartman: Who is it?!\nWoman: [with a foreign accent] Please! Open the door. [he opens the door, and a middle-aged woman stands before him] They say you are hiding cats.\nCartman: [quickly looks both ways] Hiding cats? [nervously] Why, that would be illegal. [backs into the living room]\nWoman: [enters] You don't understand [kneels] My little Nishka, [produces the cat] She has nowhere else to go.\nCartman: Oh oh no no, I cannot possibly take in another.\nWoman: But they will find her.\nCartman: I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothinng else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more...\nWoman: [hands him Nishka, Cartman takes Nishka and pets her] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman joins her]\nScene Description: Cartman's attic, or secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something catches his attention\nCartman: What the hell? [Kenny has somehow found the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are covered with concentrated piss. He grabs another cat and cheeses some more] Kenny, get out of here!\nKenny: (Woooooh! Woooooh!) [Kenny dances out of the attic]\nCartman: Aw, crap- Kenny! [Cartman begins to follow him down, but stops temporarily] Bad. Kitties.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's moping around when the doorbell rings\nKyle: Dad! Somebody's at the front door! [the doorbell rings twice and Kyle goes to his room door] Well am I grounded or not?! [the doorbell rings three times] Ugh. Fine! I'll get it! [leaves his room and opens the front door]\nStan: Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is really messed up.\nCartman: He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude.\nKyle: [quizzically] What?\nStan: He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic.\nKyle: What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?!\nCartman: They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Stan opens his mouth in shock, Kyle looks angrily at Cartman]\nStan: Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself.\nKyle: I can't. My dad grounded me. Wait a minute, where is my dad?\nScene Description: The huge Steamline building the large-breasted woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in.\nGerald: Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain. They both start undressing.]\nFather: Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage!\nGerald: Huh... how come?\nFather: There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view]\nGerald: What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid!\nKenny: (No, fuck you! She's my girl!)\nGerald: You're too young for this stuff!\nFather: This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hides her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts]\nScene Description: The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts\nFather: Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.]\nScene Description: The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other.\nScene Description: A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald\nKyle: Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing?!\nJimbo: They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes.\nGerald: She's mine, you little asshole!\nKenny: (Get the fuck off of me!)\nSheila: [arriving] Gerald?!\nScene Description: A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by\nReporter: The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.\nGerald: I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife.\nSheila: Don't touch me.\nGerald: And to the people of South Park. [a shot of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the Fountains of Varnov with the Itty Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain.\nStan: [puzzled] What the hell is he talking about?\nKyle: [eyes closed] I have no idea.\nGerald: And then you fight the Boob Goblin in the Gazongas Cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real.\nRandy: And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.]\nGerald: Problem is, the more you go into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again]\nKenny: (Yeah. I guess so.)\nGerald: Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high. Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at-\nStephen: [cupping Butters' ears so Butters can't hear anything] Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald.\nGerald: The point is, I was wrong. Its time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Hey, let's hear it for Gerald! [crowd remains silent]\nScene Description: South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and gives Scrambles back to his family\nGirl 2's father: Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles hisses, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around]\nStan: I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away]\nKenny: (Me too.)\nCartman: But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [Kyle stops]\nKyle: [cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history?\nCartman: [strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.\nStan: You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.\nKyle: Yeah. [Kenny begins to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny begins to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.]\nCartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life.\nKyle: [runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny falls in Kyle's arms, goes into spasms, and then freezes, his eyes unfocused]\nStan: What the hell kind of flowers are those?\nKyle: Kenny? Kenny?!\nScene Description: Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the large-breasted woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts.\nKenny: [dances in time with the music, then gazes up at the woman's bouncing boobs] (Woo-hoo-hoo!)\nScene Description: The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The South Park Elementary school gym, day. The students have been called to show up there. Mr. Mackey comes out and stands in front of a big TV and between two bulky tower speakers\nMr. Mackey: Students, quiet please, m'kay? As you may or may not know, today is Canada Appreciation Day.\nCartman: Oh God, I'm bored already.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, so we've been asked to show you a video from the World Canadian Bureau. Uh start the tape please? [exits right as the tape starts up. A Canadian flag appears onscreen]\nWCB President: [appears in his office onscreen] Hello, I am Stephen Abootman, President of the World Canadian Bureau. Do you ever stop to think how important Canada is to the world? Right now, I would like all students of Canadian descent in this school to stand up. [no one moves a muscle until one lone Canadian boy, Ike, stands up.] Just look at all these fine Canadians in your school. See how diverse they are. When you think of Canada, what's the one thing that comes to mind?\nCartman: Gayness! [everyone laughs and looks at Ike, who looks chagrined.]\nStephen Abootman: That's right: spirit! What is it that makes Canada so important?\nCraig: Nothing! [everyone laughs harder and looks at Ike.]\nScene Description: Canada, day, a crowd stands in front of a building with G on it.\nStephen Abootman: My fellow Canadians, for too long we have been pushed around, and ridiculed! Yesterday was supposed to be a day of appreciation and understanding! Instead, Canada Appreciation Day was mocked worldwide! [the crowd begins to clamor]\nMan 1: [wearing #10] Nobody takes us Canadians seriousleh!\nLumberjack: It's like the world doesn't respect Canada at all, eh?\nStephen Abootman: That's right! And I think it's time for Canada to show the world just how bad things would be without it! Together we can send a message! It's time for Canada ...to strike!\nWoman 1: Did you say strike?\nStephen Abootman: Yes! Every Canadian join me! Join together!\nMan 2: Canada, on strike.\nMan 3: Canada, on strike.\nCanadians: [a different crowd shot for each \"Canadaaa\"] Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Caaanaaadaaa! Canada on strike! Canada says \"No more!\" No more neglect! We want respect! That's what we're striking for! All you bureaucrats and corporate cats\nBorder Guard: Can all just take a hike! [rolls down his window shade]\nCanadians: [large crowd] It's Canaada! On Strike! [they whip out their strike signs] Canada on strike! From Vancouver to St. John's [both locations are shown], We raise our middle fingers for you all to sit upon! [a hockey team] And with our fingers up your ass, [workers at The Canadian Maple Syrup Company] you won't be very psyched [workers in the building drop syrup barrels from the upper floors] It's Canada! On Strike! [Mounties march in a circle] And we will not bow a bunch! Our resolve is strong! [A conductor leads a group of singers] We even took three hours to rehearse this striking song! [a trumpeter leans in and toots.] [Pizza Nut] Canada on strike! No matter where you are, [On TV at Café 180] If you are Canadian then you've got to do your part! March out of the halls!\nCafé 180 patron: [stands up and poses] That's right, suck my Canadian balls! [runs out and poses] It's Canada! On Strike!\nCanadians: [the camera zooms out to a view from space of a nation of singing Canadians] It's Canada! Canada! Canada! On Strike! [a lone Canadian laughs somewhere]\nScene Description: The United Nations, day.\nSwiss delegate: Ahhh, when you say \"Canada is on strike\", what exactly do you mean?\nStephen Abootman: What do you think it means?! [pounds the table] We're striking, buddih! No more! That's it! Until we get what we want\nFrench delegate: Who exactly are you to authorize this strike?\nStephen Abootman: I'm Stephen Abootman! Leader of the WGA!\nFrench delegate: The WGA?\nStephen Abootman: [crosses his arms] Yes! The World Canadian Bureau! [the other delegates don't react.]\nFrench delegate: What exactly does Canada want?\nStephen Abootman: We want: more... money!\nAide 1: [with mustache] Yeah! More money!\nJapanese delegate: More money from where?\nStephen Abootman: Just more money! You know! Canada doesn't get enough money! Other countries have lots of money; we want, we want some of that money! Hu- how about- the Internet? The Internet makes lots of money! So give us some of that money!\nAide 1: Yeah! Give us Internet money!\nBritish delegate: A Mister A- Abootman, you seem to- not understand how ...global economics works. I think that-\nStephen Abootman: Don't give me that fat-cat fancy lip-wiggling! Are you gonna give Canada more money or not?! [pounds his fist on the table a few times]\nBritish delegate: I'm afraid we can't.\nStephen Abootman: Then you leave Canada no choice. [heads for the doors. His aides open them and he heads out] This strike shall continue! [the aides head out, closing the doors behind them.]\nScene Description: A snowy night in South Park, a shot of Kyle's room through his window. Kyle heads to the front end of his room to look out the window. Out on the sidewalk stands Ike with his own strike sign: \"HONK if you support CANADA\" Cars pass by without stopping. Kyle suffers for him. A car pulls up and Ike turns to face it\nHusband: \"Honk if you support Canada\" He- hey honey, watch this. [honks twice]\nWife: [looks at him] Oh, we're supporting unions.\nHusband: That's right; we're a very progressive couple.\nWife: Yes. [reaches over and honks the horn] Oh, that's fun!\nHusband: Well we've done our good deed for the week. I think now I can make love to your anus without making God angry.\nWife: Oh really? Goodie! [they drive off. Ike watches them leave]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Butters, and Cartman are watching TV. Kyle walks in from outside\nKyle: Guys, I'm really worried about my brother.\nCartman: We don't care. *urp*\nKyle: You should care! This strike affects everybody, fatass!\nStan: Sh ush ush, it'sa it's on!\nButters: Yippie!\nAnnouncer: It's the Terrance and Phillip Show. [Terrance and Phillip in] Today's episode: I Fart Huckabees. [Terrance and Phillip are shown dressed in Viking warrior outfits]\nButters: Aww, this one again?!\nStan: God, they've replayed this one like eighty times now!\nTerrance: Say Phillip, I just bought this new hybrid car.\nPhillip: Oh? Does it run on electricity?\nTerrance: [the boys say the line too] No, it uses natural gas. [they do raspberries as Terrance farts on Phillip. Terrance and Phillip laugh]\nPhillip: Not as fat as your face!\nButters: Huh, it somehow loses its punch after multiple viewings.\nCartman: God damn it, when are they going to air new Terrance and Phillip shows?!\nKyle: There aren't gonna be new shows! Don't you get it?! Terrance and Phillip are Canadian! We have to get Canada to end this strike!\nStan: It's not a big deal. We can just watch American comedy. [\"Terrance and Phillip\" disappears and \"Family Guy\" comes on]\nPeter Griffin: You think that's bad? Remember the time I sang \"La Cucaracha\" for Paul McCartney?\nCartman: [jumps off the couch and runs to the TV] No! NOOO!\nPeter Griffin: La Cucaracha- [Cartman turns off the TV and faces his friends]\nCartman: We are NOT... resorting to that!\nScene Description: Striking Canadians, day.\nCanadians: We want more! We want more!\nStephen Abootman: One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! [Terrance and Phillip walk up to him]\nTerrance: Look, buddih, me and Phillip need to go home for a bit.\nStephen Abootman: Go home?! You can't leave the picket line!\nTerrance: But this is taking too long, and Phillip is diabetic.\nStephen Abootman: Look, guy, we are to stay strong! If you don't stand with your fellow Canadians, then you are a rat!\nTerrance: Don't call me a rat, buddih!\nStephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, friend!\nPhillip: He's not your friend, guy!\nStephen Abootman: I'm not your guy, buddih!\nTerrance: He's not your buddih, friend!\nStephen Abootman: I'm not your friend, guy! [all three fall silent, and Stephen goes forward] Don't you two understand anything?! You think striking is a joke?! You think it's something to ridicule?!\nWeird Hat Guy: [pops in] Yah, you think this is funnih?\nStephen Abootman: [moves to address the whole crowd] Don't you see that we have to stand together or else we have nothing?!\nAide 1: [runs up with a cell phone] Stephen! Stephen! A call came in from the United States! They want to talk to you aboot ending the strike!\nStephen Abootman: What did I tell you?! I told you we'd get to them sooner or later! [the crowd gets excited and starts chatting] Shh, shh, quiet everyone! Let me handle this. [everyone falls silent as he takes the call] Yes. This is Stephen Abootman, head of the WGA.\nKyle: Uh, hi, we want you to end this strike. [he's calling from his house, with the other boys standing back aways]\nStephen Abootman: Oh you do, huh?! [muffles the phone, then tells the others] They've had enough. They want us to end the strike. [everyone cheers] Quiet, quiet, shh, shh, sh- quiet, quiet! Let me deal with this. [the Canadians fall silent and Stephen returns to the phone] All right, we're prepared to end this strike! If you are agreeing that we should have more monihhh!\nKyle: We totally think you should have more money.\nStephen Abootman: Wwe got 'em! We did it! [jumps up and down with much energy. Everyone cheers. \"Great job!\"] All right, how much are you gonna give us?\nKyle: Huh? Well we don't really have that much money.\nStephen Abootman: Oh, negotiating hardball, are we?! What about all that Internet money?!\nKyle: The Internet?\nStephen Abootman: You listen to me, friend! [walks away from the crowd so they don't hear him so loudly] You'd better figure out a way to get us our fair amount of money, and until you come back with a solid fair number, I'm finished talking to you, you slimy corporate dickhead! [hangs up, then faces the crowd] Don't worry, don't worry. This is how negotiating works. This is good. We've got 'em by the balls.\nScene Description: Kyle looks at the phone dumbfounded. The other boys walk up\nStan: What'd they say?\nKyle: They said we have to give them money that we make on the Internet.\nCartman: How are we supposed to make money on the Internet?\nButters: Well, how do other people make money on the Internet?\nKyle: We'd have to put something up on the Internet that everyone would find fascinating.\nCartman: [steps up] Wait. I've got it.\nScene Description: A video. Butters is on a stage with bluescreen so it looks like he's actually in a spaceship. He's in his normal clothes, and he begins to dance. To his right rises Spaceman Butters, and to his left rises Pajama Butters.\nButters: I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [the teddy bear outfit returns] I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [Stan gives a thumbs-up. Cartman does the same. The video is on YouToob] Let's do it in the butt. O-kay! [from behind a big chocolate heart] It's okay [Butters floating in space] Ih-if you have a little fight [Nelly in her room watches the video] Don't you worry [Butters bites into the heart] I won't bite (Not that hard) [Spaceman Butters] If you want it [a man watches the video] I'll give you power Just be gentle [Flower Butters] I'm delicate like a flower Give it to me, if you please Give it to me, if you please\nNun: Oh my.\nButters: [now in three voices] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [wearing black jeans with \"what what\" on the butt] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [a naked Butters holds a rose] You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? Let's do it in the butt. O-kay!\nScene Description: Kyle's room. The boys have been watching the video from there\nCartman: There's more people viewing it!\nStan: This is going great!\nKyle: [walks over to the window] Don't worry, Ike! The strike will be over soon! [Ike is on his back]\nScene Description: Canada, night. The Canadians are beat. Some walk around listlessly, others have facial hair, all have bags under their eyes\nTom: And in other world news, the leader of Japan today is calling for an increase in military spending.\nAide 1: How come they never mention anything about us?! When are they gonna get to the strike?!\nStephen Abootman: Don't worry, the strike is big news. I'm sure it will be one of the top stories.\nTom: In other news tonight, it the Internet video that has already seen over ten million views. A young confused-looking boy dancing and singing a song called \"What What (In My Asshole)\".\nReporter: [in front of Butters' house] Tom, in just one week the video has become the most watched thing in all of America. [Butters appears at his bedroom window and waves at the camera] The boy in the video, referred to by most as \"that little gay kid\", [Butters stops and leaves the window] has already been asked to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and The Today Show.\nStephen Abootman: Aw damn it that's not news! What about us?!\nPhillip: Look, ah, Stephen, Terrance and I were talking andeh, well it's, it's starting to look like maybe we're not gonna win this thing, you know?\nStephen Abootman: We'll win! We'll just have to stay resilient!\nPhillip: Wull, yeah, but everyone is dying of starvation.\nTerrance: Yeah, let's give it up, guy.\nStephen Abootman: Don't call me your guy! I'm not your guy, friend!\nTerrance: Well I'm not your friend, buddih!\nStephen Abootman: Well I'm not your buddih, guy!\nWoman 2: Wait! Here it is! Turn it up! We're on!\nTom: And finally tonight, a new development in the Canada strike. For those of you who don't remember or don't care, Canada has been striking for more money. [the Canadians cheer]\nStephen Abootman: All right! Shh! I told you, I told you, listen, listensh, listen listen listen.\nTom: In a shocking turn of events, it now appears that thousands of people from Denmark are flooding into the United States with hopes of taking the place of the striking Canadians.\nStephen Abootman: What?\nScene Description: An airport. A plane from Denmark is parked on the tarmac and Danish people pour out of it. The Danish have both Canadian and normal features - Canadian bodies and jaws and normal eyes\nFemale reporter: Do you really think you Danish can replace the Canadians?\nDanish man: Well, where we come from it's pretty cold too, ja. We like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us.\nDanish woman: Nobody knows where Denmark is.\nDanish man: Right. So when you think about it, we're the Canadians of Europe.\nScene Description: Back in Canada\nStephen Abootman: SCABS! How could you?! [runs up to the TV annd destroys it with one kick]\nScene Description: A lobby, somewhere. DIM, it says. Department of Internet Money. Stan and the boys walk up to the help desk. They look around before Stan steps forward\nStan: Ah, hi. We made a really successful thing on the Internet, and we'd like to collect our money.\nClerk: Take a number and wait with everyone else.\nCartman: Ma'am, perhaps you don't recognize the Internet sensation Little Gay Kid from YouToob.\nClerk: [not taking time out from her work] Take a number and wait with everyone else! [Stan takes a numbered slip from the dispenser and leads the other boys to some seats in a waiting room nearby]\nTay Zonday: [slowly, a little creepily] Chocolate Raaain.\nButters: Aaah. [another man walks up to the boys]\nTron Guy: Hey, I know you. You're the \"What What (In My Asshole)\" kid.\nButters: [insulted, crosses his arms] \"What What (In The Butt),\" sir.\nStan: It's Tron Guy. I saw him on YouToob.\nTron Guy: Yeah, sure. All the biggest Internet stars are here. You remember, of course, Numa Numa. [to his right is the Numa Numa guy. He begins dancing to a song]\nNuma Numa Guy: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyaho, Ma-iyaha ha.\nTron Guy: And the Star Wars kid. [the kid starts to dance around as in his video] And the Internet sensation Cute Sneezing Panda. [as in its video, the mother panda sneezes as soon as her child moves] And there's Dramatic Look Gopher. [the camera pans by a lonely girl and focuses on the gopher, who seems to notice the camera is on him. He quickly turns to face the camera and freezes]\nCartman: Wow, I've seen all you guys on the Internet!\nTay Zonday: [to Butters] So, how many people have seen your Internet video?\nButters: Uhhh a few hundred thousand?\nTay Zonday: Huh, mere peanuts. Chocolate Rain has done gangbusters. Theoretically, I'm a millionaire.\nCartman: Dude, screw you. Your Internet thing was so last year.\nChris Crocker: [jumps in out of nowhere] Leave Chocolate Rain Guy alone! Leave him alohohone! I'm serious! [a phone rings and Kyle digs into his pocket]\nKyle: [finds the phone...] Excuse me. [...leaves his seat and exits the waiting room. Then he takes the call] Hello?\nStephen Abootman: [sitting on a cardboard box] You greedy corporate fat cat. You said you would get us moneh.\nKyle: Wait we're working on it.\nStephen Abootman: [stands and moves forward] You're stalling! Because you think I'll give up. You know that most Canadians are talkin' about giving up the strike already. [coughs away from the phone] You've got me over a barrel and you know it!\nKyle: Sir, we're doing everything we can.\nStephen Abootman: You want me to say it again?! You've got me over a barrel! There, you happy?! You've got me bent over a barrel with my tender ass just waiting to be pulverized by your thrusting manhood! [Kyle stays quiet] Do you realize how stupid I'm going to look if I call off the strike after starting all this?! I won't do it! You hear me, guy?! You're wrong! No matter what happens I will never call of this strike! Even if it means we all. Die.\nKyle: We don't want you to die.\nStephen Abootman: Then you'd better hurry. We don't have much longer. The blood will be on your hands. [slowly hangs up]\nScene Description: Back at the waiting room... Kyle returns\nKyle: We have to speed this up! [to Chocolate Rain Guy] Uh, can we collect our Internet money in front of you, please?\nTay Zonday: I don't think so. Nothing takes priority over Chocolate Rain.\nStar Wars Kid: Oh, here he goes with the ego again. Who crowned you the top Internet star?!\nTay Zonday: I did. When I became bigger than all you bitches.\nTron Guy: Oh please, Laughing Baby had four times as many views as you! [the baby begins to laugh and laugh...]\nTay Zonday: You'd better shut your fuckin' mouth, Laughin' Baby!\nAfro Ninja: Did you all forget about Afro Ninja? My Internet thing was bigger than anybody's. I made over a hundred million theoretical dollars.\nStar Wars Kid: Well Sneezing Panda is theoretically worth billions!\nTay Zonday: You all wanna motherfuckin' die?! [whips out a Glock and cocks it]\nChris Crocker: NOOO! [grabs the gun and tries to wrestle it from Chocolate Rain Guy]\nScene Description: A battle royal begins. Tron Guy whips out a frisbee and chucks it at Numa Numa. It hits Numa Numa's left cheek\nNuma Numa Guy: Haw!\nScene Description: Afro Ninja fights the Star Wars Kid, Numa Numa fights Tron Guy, Chris Crocker fights Chocolate Rain Guy. Afro Ninja knocks Star Wars Guy away with his nunchucks, then tries a back flip and falls on his face. He gets up groggily and stumbles away. The baby laughs some more\nKyle: Okay, forget it. We'll wait our turn.\nTron Guy: Hai Hayaaa!\nNuma Numa Guy: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyah- [kicks Tron Guy in the balls, then lands a left hook on his face]\nChris Crocker: [jumps in to separate the two men] Leave Tron Guy alone! Leave him alone! [the baby continues laughing. Chocolate Rain Guy grabs Chris Crocker by the hair and drags him around. Chris is screaming]\nTay Zonday: Get ready for some chocolate pain, bitch! [aims his right at Chris' head. Chris quickly bites Chocolate Rain Guy's right leg, making him drop the gun. The mother panda mauls Numa Numa, Tron Guy throws his frisbee again, and Chris Crocker jumps in again]\nChris Crocker: Leave the panda alone! Leave her alone, I'm serious! [the mother panda stands on her hind legs and just swats Chris out of view, killing him. Chocolate Rain Guy reaches for his fallen gun, turns around, and kills Star Wars Kid with two shots. The mother panda mauls Tron Guy to death, and Chocolate Rain Guy kills the panda with four shots. He then aims at the gopher]\nTay Zonday: Thought I forgot about you, Gopher?! [the gopher, who's facing away from him, suddenly turns its head to him, looking at him intently] Ughhh, my brains. [his head swells up and explodes. His body staggers for a few seconds, then falls to the side. One last bullet leaves his gun and blows the gopher's head off. Anyone who was involved in the battle is gone]\nCartman: Sweet. I think we're next in line now.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Ike is still on the front lawn, still on his back. He blinks\nScene Description: Canada, day. Everyone there is now tired out. Some have died, as they have X's where their eyes should be. The camera moves forward to the G (for Government) building, then flies up the side until it reaches Mr. Abootman's office. Mr. Abootman looks out the window at the crowd beneath him\nAide 1: [opens the office door] Stephen!, Stephen! They're here! They've come to negotiate!\nStephen Abootman: [turns around] What?! You mean it?! [Kyle and friends walk in]\nKyle: Okay, we did it.\nStephen Abootman: Who the hell are you?\nStan: We're the ones you told to get Internet money.\nKyle: Here. [hands Mr. Abootman the money] We made ten million theoretical dollars. It's all for you. [Mr. Abootman takes the check and looks at it]\nStephen Abootman: Theoretical dollars? What am I supposed to do with that?! [turns away] You little timewasters!\nStan: Hey, we worked really hard to get this theoretical money!\nKyle: Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm a homo now.\nCartman: ...You are a homo, Butters.\nKyle: Dude, will you just end this thing now?! My little brother is gonna die!\nStephen Abootman: Nooooo! I'm not gonna look like an idiot! If I fucked up and led everyone astray, the last thing I'm going to do and admit it! [the phone rings and he turns to answer it] Yes, this is the head of the WGA. The World Canadian Bureau.\nScene Description: The UN, day. A conference call - the leaders talk to Mr. Abootman over a speakerphone\nSwiss delegate: Ah, Mr. Abootman. It's the global world summit leaders. We want to talk to you about the strike.\nStephen Abootman: You... You do? You wanna negotiate?!\nFrench delegate: No, actually we were just wondering if, when you're all dead, we can use Newfoundland for a new global theme park. [Mr. Abootman drops the phone and begins to weep. He walks away with his hands over his eyes]\nKyle: [picks up the phone] Hello? Will you just give this guy something, please?!\nSwiss delegate: Excuse me?\nKyle: [Mr. Abootman leans on the door, crying] He just doesn't wanna look like an idiot, so he wants everyone to think the strike was for something. Just, just give him anything!\nFrench delegate: Well, we could give Canada some small consolation prize\nKyle: If they give you something small, will you end the strike?\nStephen Abootman: Will they... act like they're giving Canada a lot so everyone thinks I did a good job?\nKyle: Can you act like you're giving him a lot?\nSwiss delegate: Sure, why not?\nScene Description: Canada, moments later. Mr. Abootman steps outside to the podium and makes an announcement\nStephen Abootman: We have won! [no one reacts: they're all too tired to]\nLumberjack: Well how much did we get?\nStephen Abootman: Well, we uh, we didn't get everything that we wanted, but... we negotiated hard and... we got these... [holds up some coupons] coupons to Bennigan's! And... [holds up a bag of sweets] free bubblegum... for every Canadian. [his aide steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands] These coupons entitle every Canadian to a free meal at Bennigan's. With the purchase of a meal at equal or greater value, of course.\nAide 1: We did it! [aide 2 steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands]\nStephen Abootman: My friends. This is the greatest victory in Canadian history. [headlines follow: The Canuck Reporter has \"Canada Wins The Strike\". Canadiety has \"Strike over! Canada Victorious!\". Canada Today has \"Strike Victory Party Set For Next Week\".]\nScene Description: South Park, Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Ike is still half-buried in the snow. A taxi pulls up to the curb and lets the boys out\nKyle: Ike. Ike! [Ike wakes up] It's over.\nIke: [stands up] It's over?\nKyle: Yeah. Here you go. [hands him a Bennigan's coupon and a gumdrop. Kyle and the others head indoors]\nStan: Boy, I'm sure glad that's over with.\nButters: Me too!\nKyle: Yeah, but you know, I learned something today. We thought we could make money on the Internet. But, while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to the extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media.\nStan: ...Yeah.\nScene Description: Canada, the Victory Party. Kool & The Gang's \"Celebration\". Everyone is just standing around. The camera pans from left to right. Mr. Abootman and his aides appear. They're all dancing\nStephen Abootman: Yeah, we did it! Celebrate, everyone! Woohoo! [the reason for everyone standing around is shown: a memorial wall on one side of the room has pictures of everyone who died during the strike. Mourners walk up with bouquets and drop them off at the table in front of the wall.]\nTerrance: Hold on a minute! Wait just a second! [the music stops as Terrance holds out a calculator] We just did some calculating! By NOT working during the strike, Canadians lost more than 10.4 million dollars!\nPhillip: And our Bennigan's coupons and bubble gum is worth roughly... three thousand and eight dollars!\nStephen Abootman: Don't look at that. Come on, friends, let's dance.\nPhillip: You had no idea what you were doing and now you're trying to make it look like you won so that we won't set you adrift!\nStephen Abootman: Damn it friends, don't you see? We won for future Canadians, guy. So the little guy doesn't get pushed around anymore. This was a victory for Canada's respect. [Terrance and Phillip don't believe what they're hearing]\nScene Description: The shore of a lake. A man picks away at a block of ice. Two other men come and push it away. On it are Stephen Abootman and his aides\nStephen Abootman: Eh?! What do you think you're doing?!\nTerrance: We're setting you adrift, idiot!\nPhillip: Maybe you can go live with the Danish!\nStephen Abootman: You'll regret this day, friend!\nPhillip: I'm not your friend, buddih!\nStephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, guy!\nTerrance: He's not your guy, friend!\nStephen Abootman: [loud and drawn out] I'm not your friend, buddih!\nTerrance & Phillip: We're not your buddih, guy!\nStephen Abootman: [now far away] I'm not your guy, friend!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom. She's seated behind the desk, crying and pulling out tissue after tissue, baring her soul to the class.\nMrs. Garrison: It's like, my whole life has just been one big screw-up, you know? [wipes away tears, then throws the tissue away] I admit it, I was I was sexually lost. I was, and then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman but then she got a sex change, became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'm really still a man, I'm... I still feel like a man\nButters: Are we gonna get tested on this?\nMrs. Garrison: This sex change was a big mistake, okay? [blows her nose] I was on a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted.\nStan: [to Kyle] Dude, wanna do some math problems?\nMrs. Garrison: [tosses another tissue away, grabs another one] And then, I go to the doctor, right? And I say \"Doctor, I wanna go back to being a man,\" and he says \"There's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you going to find a penis?\" [gets up, and his chair topples over] Whattaya mean, where am I gonna find a penis?! [throws a bust] I'm a man! I deserve a God damned penis! [throws some tissues, some books, and an apple towards the class. Stan closes his eyes shut so nothing gets in them. Mrs. Garrison grabs her chair and crashes it through a window. Then he punches the wall, knocks the metal drawers over, and kicks the desk, grunting all the while]\nPrincipal Victoria: [not seen] Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison! [he stops and looks up. He sees Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria, her arms crossed, at the door] Could we speak with you please?\nMrs. Garrison: [walks out of the classroom still sniffling] What do you want? I'm trying to teach.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, m'kay? [Principal Victoria walks into the classroom and closes the door]\nMrs. Garrison: Ohhh it's so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis! [walks away in a huff]\nPrincipal Victoria: Ooookay students, um, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher, so uh, while we deal with this, we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz.\nCartman: [raises his hand] Oh! Me me, me. Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here.\nPrincipal Victoria: Uhh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else? [no one else volunteers. Cartman stands on his chair and raises his left arm high]\nCartman: Principal Victoria. Right over here. Nnnnnh!\nPrincipal Victoria: Any other volunteers, perhaps?\nCartman: [now on his desk and stretching that left arm up higher] Rrrrrrr! Principal Victoria. Principal.\nPrincipal Victoria: All right, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class.\nCartman: Yes! [walks up next to Garrison's desk]\nPrincipal Victoria: Now, just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you, and I'll be back to check on you shortly. [leaves the classroom and closes the door.]\nCartman: [turns to the board and walks up to it. He grabs the wooden pointer and smacks it softly against his left palm] Well well well. Who's teacher now? [whips it against the floor] Yeahhh. Who's teacher?!\nKyle: You're not the teacher, fatass.\nCartman: That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! [whips the pointer against the floor] Yeahhh. [whips the pointer against the floor again] Mmm yeah, you like that? [Kyle just rolls his eyes] All right, Clyde, you're first! Get up here! [whips the pointer against the floor again] Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde. [waves the pointer around a little and follows it with his eyes.]\nScene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, day. She's laying on her sofa with her tissues, crying.\nNews Anchor: And so it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse [a picture of a mouse with a human ear growing on its back] genetically altered to grow a human ear has already sparked waves of protest.\nMrs. Garrison: [now attentive] What?\nNews Anchor: But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who've become disfigured and need ears or noses.\nMrs. Garrison: Holy Freaking Jesus.\nScene Description: Research Group Laboratories, day. \"Tomorrow's Fortune is Today\".\nScene Description: Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison\nResearcher 1: Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. Here's the mouse you saw on television. [Mrs. Garrison looks at the mouse] Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person.\nMrs. Garrison: Doctor, what about a penis?\nResearcher 1: Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina.\nMrs. Garrison: No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me?\nResearcher 1: You don't understand: doing this stuff is very expensive. And we've never tried a penis before; there's no guarantee it would work.\nMrs. Garrison: I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis.\nResearcher 1: All right. [Mrs. Garrison grins] All right, let's see what we can do.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Principal Victoria's office. Mr. Mackey is there, as well as two school officials\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher.\nCartman: Ey! Don't commend me! It's the students' fault for being so stupid!\nMr. Mackey: Uh, \"commend\" means you've done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay?\nPrincipal Victoria: [looks through some papers] After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever had on their tests. Whatever you did really worked on them.\nCartman: [at ease] Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning.\nPrincipal Victoria: These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board have something they want to ask you.\nBoard Rep 1: [a black man] Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-city school classes.\nBoard Rep 2: [a white man] These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers and, since you handled your class so well, how would you like to give it a shot?\nCartman: That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. How much will you pay me?\nScene Description: The neighborhood bus stop. The bus pulls up and opens its doors. The boys walk out and turn right\nCartman: Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys?! My awesome teaching skill is gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks.\nKyle: You're not an awesome teacher!\nCartman: Whatever. The whole class scored super-high on the test.\nKyle: The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk! And you know it!\nCartman: Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk?\nKyle: Kenny's!\nKenny: (Yeah, that was my idea.)\nCartman: Oh yeah. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students and really turns their lives around.\nKyle: Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They are going to fucking murder you! [walks away. Stan and Kenny follow. Cartman is scared, then he starts thinking]\nCartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful how I look.\nScene Description: Cartman's bathroom. He's standing on a stool checking himself out on the vanity's mirror. He whips out a partable hair trimmer and raises it to his hairline. He shaves his head down the middle...\nScene Description: Jon Davis High School, day. Urban music plays as the establishing scenes go by. There are security scanners at the front door which all students pass through, and two security guards to go through their belongings if the students set off the scanners. The kids at this school are doing anything but studying: fighting, making out, smoking, throwing paper wads at each other...\nScene Description: A classroom. The students there are quite rowdy\nPrincipal: [enters] Students, quiet! Quiet please! [a wad of paper goes her way and hits] Give me your attention!\nTeen boy 1: I'll give you my attention. All night long, Mrs. Miller. [the class laughs]\nMrs. Miller: [the principal] You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher.\nClass: Ohhhhhhhhhhh.\nMrs. Miller: This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez\nCartman: [dressed as Jaime Escalante] Hello students. I'm Eric Cartmanez. [holds up his left thumb] Your new teacher.\nTeen boy 2: What the hell is thiiis?\nCartman: I am here... to teach you calculuuus.\nScene Description: Research Group Laboratories, day. \"Tomorrow's Fortune is Today\".\nScene Description: Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison\nResearcher 1: Iii think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison.\nMrs. Garrison: Mr. Garrison! [they approach an incubator]\nResearcher 1: Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... here's your penis. [Mr. Garrison gazes into the incubator. A mouse is wrapped in gauze all over, and a penis is riding on its back]\nMrs. Garrison: Wow! My penis looks great!\nResearcher 1: Yes. It's a fantastic penis. Congratulations.\nMrs. Garrison: How long before it's ready?\nResearcher 1: Welll, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon.\nMrs. Garrison: Let me see if it feels right in my hand. [opens the incubator door and reaches in...]\nResearcher 1: No! Don't open the- [the mouse escapes]\nMrs. Garrison: Whoa no!\nResearcher 2: Don't let it get out of the lab! [the mouse reaches the entrance and escapes when an unsuspecting researcher opens the door from outside]\nMrs. Garrison: Mah penis! [gives chase, and some researchers join him] Stop, penis! Come back here!\nScene Description: The classroom at Jim Davis High. Cartman hands out syllabi\nCartman: Okay, everyone take a sillibus and pass it to the amigo behind youuu.\nTeen boy 3: Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?!\nTeen boy 4: Yeahhhh.\nCartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into collehhhge\nTeen boy 5: Getting into college? Maaan, we ain't gettin' in no college! Fuck you! [the rest of the class voice their protests as well. Cartman turns his back to them and looks down]\nCartman: How do I reach these keeds? [faces the class, his left hand tucked under the left pant pocket] The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught... how to cheat properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time- I mean because they cheat all the time. [holds up a picture] This is Bill Beelichick, coach of the New England Patriots He's won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating, and nobody cared. Bill Beelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat. As long as you cheat your way to the top.\nTeen Girl 1: Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater!\nCartman: No no. If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyy.\nTeen boy 6: This is bullshit. I don't wanna waste my time learning to cheat.\nCartman: Go ahead, the door's right there. [turns left] Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss youuu. [the boy walks to the door and leaves. Cartman turns away from the class and sighs, dropping the photo] How do I reach these keeds?\nScene Description: The community park. The boys are playing in the sand box, making a sand castle. They've brought their toy trucks along. Both Butters and Kenny are present. Mr. Garrison sees them and runs towards them.\nMrs. Garrison: Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis? [the boys can't figure out what he's talking about.]\nKyle: What?\nMrs. Garrison: My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese. [runs off]\nButters: [rubbing his temples] Ow. That hurt my brains. [the pain gets worse] Oww.\nScene Description: Jim Davis High, another smoggy day. The boy who walked out of class is playing basketball alone in the school yard. He shoots and misses, and goes for the ball, but it rolls towards Cartman, who picks it up.\nCartman: Nice form, compadre. [walks towards the basket with the ball]\nTeen boy 6: Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher. Look, I don't wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating.\nCartman: Who wants to argue on a nice day like theees? How about a little pickup game? [whistles] Hey paisanoo, can you keep score for us? [a scoreboard is shown, and a boy on the platform looks over at him]\nTeen boy 7: Sure thing, Mr. C.\nCartman: [gets into position] Okay, you start on defense, amigo. [dribbles the ball for a few seconds, then whacks the boy on the right shin with a collapsible pointer]\nTeen boy 6: [falls down and grabs his right leg] AAAAH! [Cartman continues towards the basket and scores. The score is now 1-0 Visitors]\nCartman: Ohoooh, that's one to nothing, amigo!\nTeen boy 6: You cheated!\nCartman: What's the score, ese? Okay, let's go, your turn. [the boy is on offense. He dribbles for a few seconds and moves to the basket, but Cartman again takes out his pointer and whacks the boy's left shin. The boy falls again, and Cartman steals the ball and scores again. The boy at the scoreboard updates the score: 2-0 Visitors] That's two to nothing, amigoo. [his opponent stands up]\nTeen boy 6: Fuck you, man, you can't do that!\nCartman: Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing. [throws the ball back at the boy]\nTeen boy 6: I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it. [throws the ball away and limps off]\nCartman: Two to nothing, ese! Two to nothing! [sighs] How do I reach these keeds?\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Linda is washing dishes when she hears something squeak.\nLinda: What is that? [turns around and looks. The modified mouse runs across the kitchen floor; she screams and hops onto a footstool, then lifts up her skirt] Eeeek! Eeeek! [the mouse runs across the floor again, in the opposite direction] Eeeek! Eeeek! [hops off and runs to the living room entrance] Stephen! Stephen come quick!\nStephen: [reading the paper with a pipe in his hand] What is it, dear?\nLinda: A penis is loose in our kitchen!\nStephen: A penis?\nLinda: Yes! It just ran across the floor!\nStephen: Now darling, calm down.\nLinda: Calm down nothing! I don't want that penis running through my house!\nStephen: Hoh, women. Always afraid of penises. [Butters smiles. Stephen gets up from his armchair and walks to the kitchen. Butters joins him. The mouse runs across the floor again]\nLinda: There! There, you see it?\nStephen: Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.\nLinda: I don't care. It's probably got all kinds of diseases. [the mouse runs across the floor again]\nButters: Hey wait! I think that's teacher's penis!\nStephen: Your teacher's penis?\nButters: Yeah, that must be his.\nStephen: Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?\nButters: [didn't quite get it until...] Huh?\nScene Description: Jim Davis High School, day\nCartman: Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time. [hops onto a box so he could write on the chalkboard. He draws a video camera aimed at a box marked D] When Bill Beelichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team's defense. Think of the defense as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape the defense. Learn what's on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can- [the errant student returns]\nTeen boy 6: I thought that... well maybe I can give cheating a try.\nCartman: Have a seat, amigo. Good to have you baaack. [the student takes his seat] All right. Now, when Bill Beelichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: \"I mis-interpreted the rules.\" It's what you must also say when caught cheating! \"I mis-interpreted the rules.\" Say it with me.\nClass: \"I mis-interpreted the rules.\"\nCartman: Good. Again.\nClass: \"I mis-interpreted the rules.\"\nCartman: Again!\nClass: \"I mis-interpreted the rules.\"\nCartman: Now you sound like white people!\nClass: [now with pounding fists] \"I mis-interpreted the rules!\"\nScene Description: South Park Supermarket. Stephen and Butters have finished shopping and are packing the groceries into their car. Mr. Garrison is talking to them\nMrs. Garrison: What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn't you call me?!\nStephen: Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house. I had to get it out.\nMrs. Garrison: Well now how am I supposed to find it?! It could be anywhere!\nA woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! [the three guys look up]\nMrs. Garrison: Holy Crap! [takes off after the sound.]\nScene Description: The Komfort Inn. The screaming woman stands on a box while her husband looks at her annoyed\nWoman: Eeeek! Eeeeeek!\nHusband: Carole, get down from there!\nWoman: Noo! Didn't you see that penis just now?! Eeeek!\nHusband: I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it.\nMrs. Garrison: [pops into view] You saw a penis?!\nWoman 2: [inside the Inn] Eeeeeeeek! [Mrs. Garrison rushes in]\nScene Description: The Komfort Inn Fitness Room. Mrs. Garrison finds the woman standing on a chair with her legs crossed\nWoman 2: Oh, it's so big and disguuusting. Eeek. [the mouse runs across the floor and Mrs. Garrison gives chase. The penis-mouse runs down the hall and into a steam room]\nMrs. Garrison: [runs down the hall] Come back here, penis! [enters the steam room and looks around] There you are! Got you! [backs out of the steam room holding a penis... which is attached to a man. Garrison looks at the penis more closely, then at the man's face] Hey, you're not my penis. [the man punches her across the face] Ogh! [the penis-mouse runs out. Garrison lets go and gives chase again] There it goes! Stop you!\nScene Description: Cartmanez' class. He's giving the class the answers for the upcoming test\nCartman: The answer to #27 is 5.\nClass: [repeating] The answer to #27 is 5.\nCartman: The answer to #28 is 14.\nClass: \"The answer to #28 is 14.\"\nTeen Girl 2: Man, what's the point? [grabs her books and heads for the door] What's the point of any of this? [cries and exits]\nCartman: All right, uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal; I'll be right back. [leaves the classroom and looks around for the girl] Melita! Melita, hold on. [walks up to her] You can't quit now. Come on, what's wrong with you?\nMelita: There isn't any point to all this. I won't be going to college. I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out, and Eduardo isn't going to help me raise it.\nCartman: [sighs] How do I reach these keeds? [turns around and faces her] All right, let's go get you an abortion.\nMelita: No. I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong.\nCartman: Abortion isn't wrong! What's the one thing I've been teaching you?\nMelita: That cheating is good?\nCartman: Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of chea-ting! You're chea-ting nature itself. [Melita turns right and walks off a bit] Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortionnns when they're young. They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college, so, whatever, they just cheat. They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life.\nMelita: I don't know, Mr. C.\nCartman: Mexicans are told not to cheat. \"Don't cheat! You got pregnant? You have to raise the child.\" So then you have to raise the child while the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortionnns. [walks around to face her] It is at our most challenging times that we must cheat... our very hardest.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Mr. Garrison files a police report\nSgt. Yates: [taking notes] And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? [a police sketch artist works on a portrait]\nMrs. Garrison: That's right.\nOfficer Harris: Long whiskers or short?\nMrs. Garrison: Short, and little fluffy ears.\nOfficer Harris: Fluffy ears, okay.\nMrs. Garrison: Think you got it, Mitch?\nMitch Harris: I think so, sir. Is this pretty close? [shows his sketch to Garrison: it's Mickey Mouse with a giant boner under his shorts]\nMrs. Garrison: [disappointed] No, no, not like that! That's just silly. [an officer walks into view]\nOfficer: Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.\nSgt. Yates: What is it?\nOfficer: Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese.\nMrs. Garrison: Wall come on! [runs out. The two other officers follow him]\nScene Description: Buca de Faggoncini Italian Restaurant, night. Diners are eating their meals, and a small penis-mouse appears on the floor\nWoman 2: [quickly jumps onto her chair and lifts up her skirt] EEK!\nMan 2: [looks around] What's the matter?\nWoman 2: A penis!\nWoman 3: [quickly jumps onto her table and lifts up her skirt] A penis? Where?\nWoman 4: There it is! [quickly jumps onto the table at her booth and lifts up her skirt] Eek! [the other women at the restaurant do the same thing, and soon all you hear are \"Eek, a penis!\"]\nMrs. Garrison: [enters the restaurant followed by the three officers] Where is it?!\nMitch Harris: Look, there! [points to the mouse as it heads to the kitchen. A waiter doesn't notice the mouse passing by him]\nMrs. Garrison: Come on! [he and the officers run to the kitchen]\nChef: What'sa that peenis doing ina myii kitchen? [wields a rolling pin]\nMrs. Garrison: [entering with the cops] Huy! Don't you dare kill my penis! [the mouse leaves through an open window] Crap! We've gotta go back around!\nScene Description: Outside. The penis-mouse climbs along items behind the restaurant and runs along the top of a wooden fence. The camera follows it past the moon in the distance. The mouse stops and looks at the moon\nMouse: Someone somewhere is loving me tonightLooking at the same moon and seeing it so bright.\nPenis: Someone somewhere is feelin' my despair\nMouse: Feelin' my despair\nPenis: And this same moon is\nPenis, Mouse: [together] making them think of that-.\nMrs. Garrison: There it is! [the mouse runs away. Garrison gives chase again, with the cops and the chef joining him. The mouse runs to the sewer and drops in] No! Nooo! [dives after it, but can't reach far enough in to get it] No! No!\nMitch Harris: There's not a chance now.\nMrs. Garrison: No we, we can find it! [looks intensely down through the grate]\nSgt. Yates: Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone. Afraid there's nothing more we can do. You'll just have to live with being a woman. A very ugly one. Come on, men. [they leave. Garrison stands up, beat]\nScene Description: Cartmanez's classroom. Mrs. Miller and Cartman stand before the class.\nMrs. Miller: Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit. [a quick cheer goes up] The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating.\nCartman: Uh what?\nMrs. Miller: The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. [turns right and leaves the classroom]\nTeen boy 8: Monitor us in a private room?\nTeen boy 3: Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along.\nTeen boy 2: I knew it man! You made us believe in your way and now it's all for nawthing!\nCartman: Ih it's not for nothing. Ih, if you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them.\nTeen boy 8: [stands up] Shut up, man! You reyally screwed us all!\nCartman: How do I reeeach these keeeeds?! [the boy, cowed, slips back into his seat. Cartman faces the board] Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Beelichick gathered his football players and said, \"Let's win this one for real. Just this one time. Let's not cheat.\" You know what happened? [dryly] They lost. [faces the class] Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on chea-ting! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives.\nTeen Girl 1: Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.\nCartman: You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water.\nScene Description: A bus stop across the street from Buca de Faggoncini, night. Mrs. Garrison is on her back on the bench, crying\nMrs. Garrison: You did this to yourself, Garrison. Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis. [a squeaky thing is heard. Garrison notices and stops crying] Well what the? [raises her head and looks down, then looks towards her feet. The mouse that has been fleeing all night is now struggling to get on the bench] Why... it's my penis. [the mouse is now wholly on the bench] My penis came back. But why? [the mouse moves closer. Mrs. Garrison lowers her left hand to the bench. The mouse walks onto her hand, and she lifts it up] I guess it's true. What's that old saying? \"If you love your penis, let it go...\"\nScene Description: Jim Davis High School Auditorium. Mrs. Miller addresses the audience while Mr. Cartmanez' class stands behind and to the left of her\nMrs. Miller: The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test and all twenty-four scored 100% [their parents applaud. Melita and a short boy look at each other]\nTeen boy 6: Uh, can we say something?\nMrs. Miller: Sure. [leaves the podium. The short boy reaches for a plaque and hands it to the taller boy, who now takes the mic]\nTeen boy 6: We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the White People Method. Mr. Cartmanez! [Cartman, standing far from the podium and off to one side, walks up to the podium and reaches the mic. The students gather 'round him and clap as adults take pictures.]\nCartman: [basking in the success] I reeached these keeeds.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, main entrance. Everyone is gathered there for a special occasion\nPrincipal Victoria: Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back, Mister Garrison. [everyone claps as Mr. Garrison makes his return]\nMr. Garrison: Thanks everyone. It's great to be back. I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend. [the mouse that grew his penis climbs onto his right shoulder, the penis having been removed from it and attached to Mr. Garrison. Garrison turns around] But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then, you're a man.\nA Teacher: Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.\nMr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot! [Thompson is dumbfounded. Garrison turns around and jumps up to click his heels] Yeah! I'm back!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Stan's house, night. He's at his computer browsing the Internet. His mom pops in...\nSharon: Get off the internet, Stanley, It's time for bed\nStan: Mom, I just gotta do a couple more things\nSharon: Now, Stanley. The Internet will be waiting for you in the morning. Off!\nStan: [sighs] Aw man! [shuts off his monitor as Sharon leaves, then goes to bed. Sharon heads for Shelly's room]\nSharon: Shelly, off the Internet. It's bedtime.\nShelly: Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana!\nSharon: Now, Shelly! [leaves and closes the door]\nShelly: Why do you hate me?!\nSharon: [entering Randy's study] Randy, off the Internet.\nRandy: Nooo. Naw come on, leave me alone.\nSharon: No, mister, it's time for night-night.\nRandy: But Sharon, I've got stuff to do. I've gotta see my credit rating, I've gotta send an e-mail to Nelson and check out Foley's vacation photos-\nSharon: You don't have to do all that now! You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime. [leaves and closes the door]\nRandy: [left to his thoughts] One more thing? [thinks a bit and then starts typing quickly] Ooooyeah... [starts masturbatng under the desk]\nScene Description: Stan's house, next morning. The sky brightens just before dawn.\nScene Description: Stan's room, 7:30 a.m. His alarm goes off and he sits up, turns the alarm off, and heads for his computer. He turns on his monitor and tries to visit Steam. His browser tells him he's not connected to the Internet\nStan: What the hell?\nRandy: [entering, still in his night robe] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer! [reaches Stan's desk with urgency and moves Stan away]\nStan: What?\nRandy: My Internet's not working; I gotta use yours. An-and give Daddy some private time, will ya?\nStan: My Internet's not working either.\nRandy: What?! [sees but doesn't believe]\nShelly: [enters Stan's room with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!\nRandy: [pulling on some cables] I know that, okay?!\nShelly: I have to get online with my darling Amir before school starts!\nSharon: [enters] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.\nRandy: [leaves the computer to be in the middle of his family] Everybody just, just calm down! Calm down, all right?! It's going to be okay! We just CAN'T. PANIC. [he's the only one looking panicked]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, moments later. The doorbell rings and Gerald answers in his pajamas. He's got a cup of coffee with him. The Marshes are there in their night clothes\nRandy: [in despair] Gerald. Please help us.\nGerald: Randy. What happened?\nRandy: Our house... It has no Internet.\nSheila: [arrives and stands next to him] Oh my God.\nRandy: [enters the living room] We've got nothing! It's just gone.\nGerald: Come in. You can use our Internet until you figure out what to do.\nRandy: [gratefully] Thank you Gerald. [the other Marshes enter]\nStan: [heads for a computer] I'm getting on it first.\nRandy: [giving chase] Oh no you're not!\nStan: [steps into Kyle's room] Kyle, I need to use your Internet\nKyle: Ih it's not working.\nRandy: [steps into Kyle's room] What?!\nKyle: I've even unplugged it and plugged it back in.\nGerald: No. [rushes to the computer to see for himself] No, our Internet can't be broken. Ah, I've gotta get an attachment Larry sent me last night.\nRandy: [firmly] It's not working, Gerald.\nGerald: But it has to work! Maybe if I do a little-\nRandy: Your Internet's not working, Gerald! Face it!\nKyle: I have to get online before school.\nStan: What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.\nRandy: Right, Starbucks!\nGerald: Everyone get your stuff; we can take my car.\nScene Description: Outside. As the two families head for Gerald's SUV, Stephen Stotch walks by. Behind him, a couple stands looking at their laptop\nStephen: Hey, is your- is your guys' Internet working?\nRandy: No! Nobody's is!\nMan 1: [comes out of his house with a laptop] Whaaaaat's haaappeniiiiing?!\nRandy: Jesus. Everyone's gonna go to Starbucks now.\nGerald: Everyone in the car. We have to beat them there. [everyone climbs in.]\nScene Description: En route. They move down the road while on either side people have no idea what to do without the Internet.\nRandy: God, the whole neighborhood's affected. [a man sticks a Yoshiba laptop in front of the windshield]\nGerald: Get out of the way, Peterson! [motions him away]\nScene Description: Starbucks Coffee. A crowd is already gathered there hoping to get inside\nClerk: Folks, there's, there's no Internet here. It's not working, I tell ya.\nKyle: It's not working here?\nRandy: Kids, get back in the car. We can go to the Mac store.\nMan 2: No, don't. You're wasting your time.\nRandy: How do you know?!\nMan 2: Because we just came from there! There was nothing! Not one scrap of Internet!\nGerald: How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!\nStephen: Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.\nRandy: Good idea! [walks forward a bit and pulls out a Blackberry] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report: there's no Internet!\nMr. Garrison: [with pipe and laptop] There has to be a way to find out what's going on.\nGerald: We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!\nMan 3: What did we used to do to get the news before the Internet?\nRandy: [thinks a moment] A television! [everyone else thinks, then moves down the street as if they were one]\nScene Description: Tele's, moments later. Randy walks up to the plate-glass window with a chair and smashes the chair through it. Jimbo walks into Tele's first and everyone else follows. Jimbo turns on a TV and everyone else gathers to see the news. Onscreen, the small floating window says \"This page cannot be displayed.\" At the bottom of the screen is a crawl that reads \"THERE IS NO INTERNET\"\nAnchorman: Once again we apologize, but we cannot bring you the news. It appears that we have no Internet here at News 4. We'll be happy to bring you up on current events just as soon as our Internet is back.\nRandy: Jesus, it's statewide.\nGerald: It could be nationwide.\nAnchorman: Hello? Do you have Internet? It it's Channel 4 News. No, we don't have Internet either. [everyone leaves Tele's]\nGerald: No Internet... anywhere...\nRandy: Jesus... we're all alone... [POV change to a shot of the town from a distance. Another POV change to a shot of the town from even further away]\nScene Description: South Park shopping district. The town seems empty. A window shutter opens and closes somewhere. It's Monday. Next scene is a shot of the Marsh house, eight days without Internet. Tumbleweeds begin to roll in. Inside, no one is doing much. Randy's asleep on the couch, Shelly's sadly looking outside, Stan sits on the floor, Grandpa is in his wheelchair. Randy begins to cough\nSharon: What's the matter?\nRandy: I don't know. I need to get on Web MD and see why I have this cough, but I can't. [coughs]\nShelly: What if my sweetheart is online looking for me? He could be wondering why I don't get online with him. Maybe he thinks I'm dead. [looks at Stan] If my darling Amir gets another Internet girlfriend, I'm gonna kill him! And you! [starts punching Stan around like a punching bag. Stan screams]\nRandy: [pulls Shelly away from Stan] Hey! Shelly, whoa, stop, stop!\nStan: Dad, you've gotta do something! She's out of control!\nRandy: You're right. We can't just sit here any longer.\nScene Description: Sometime later. The Marshes have packed and weighed their car down with everything they can load up on it.\nGerald: Randy, where will you go?\nRandy: We're gonna head west. There's a rumor goin' around there might be some Internet out there. So we're headed out Californee Way.\nGerald: You don't know if there's any Internet in California.\nRandy: Well there certainly ain't none here! Look, maybe it's time you all face reality! The Internet here is dried up!\nStephen: It could come back.\nRandy: Yeah, and maybe it won't! In the meantime I got a family who needs the Internet right away. We'll head out Californee Way and ... see what we can find. [motions to Sharon] Come on, let's go.\nStephen: Look, if you... if you do find the Internet, let us know, will ya?\nRandy: How. You won't have Internet. [starts the car and moves out]\nScene Description: En route to California. Randy takes the Mother Road, Route 66, all the way there. They enter Arizone and pass a man holding a sign saying \"Californee. Need Internet.\" They stop at a Canyon Motel - which has no Internet\nMotel Clerk: [fanning himself] Sorry folks, we're full up.\nRandy: Know anywhere else we can stay? We're... heading out Californee Way. Looking for some Internet.\nMotel Clerk: You and everyone else. You'll have to stay out at the transient camp with all the others heading to Californee. [motions the direction of travel] It's about a mile down the road.\nScene Description: Transient Camp. $50, night. The full moon shines brightly behind the trees. The camp is a tent and a farmhouse. Randy takes up the guitar and starts playing\nRandy: I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad, oh Lordy., My Internet done up and went away. [an elderly man weeps]\nTransient Man 1: Where are you from, old-timer?\nOld-Timer: Kansas City. Had me a store there. Kind of... computer supply store. When the Internet went, the stores went too.\nTransient Man 2: Things will be different when we get out to Californee. Soon as we get us some Internet we can all rest easy.\nTransient Man 3: Why sure, Silicon Valley. They gots a whole mess of Internet up there. 'Say a man can practically roll around in it.\nTransient Man 4: When I get to that Internet I'm gonna click on just about everything in sight. 'Might even click on a pop-up ad just for the heck of it.\nTransient Man 1: Well I'm gonna sit down at that Internet and just stahrt e-mailin'. Just keep on e-mailin' till my fingers are sore to the bone.\nRandy: Sure will be nice. [Stan looks really sad]\nTransient Man 5: You folks all headin' to Silicon Valley?\nRandy: That's right. We need to get online.\nTransient Man 5: Haha. \"Get online\" he says.\nStan: [annoyed] What's so funny about that?\nTransient Man 5: Think about it. How many folk headin' out to Californee? A million? More? And how much Internet you think they got out there? [the other men look at each other] Might be some Internet, sure, but with everyone tryin' to use it at once, it's gonna go real slow-like. I knows it 'cause I seen it. My two children, they tried to load a Web page. Took them over three days. They sat there waitin', and by the time the loadin' bar was only half-full they was dead. [his eyes begin to well up] Starve on the Internet, with a belly stuck out like a big bladder... [weeps]\nRandy: Come on, Stan, let's get some rest. [the group breaks up for the night]\nScene Description: The campsite. The Marshes have set up camp. Stan heads for a sleeping bag when he notices Shelly crying.\nShelly: Amiiir... I miss you so much...\nStan: [walks up to her] Don', don't cry, Shelly. You'll be able to get online when we get to Californee. [she just sits up and punches him away like a beach ball, then lies down without a break in crying]\nScene Description: The Marshes enter Californee\nRandy: Everyone, wake up! [the others wake up] We're here! Silicon Valley, Californee! [takes an off-ramp]\nScene Description: An Internet Refugee Camp, run by the Red Cross. A big-city skyline is seen in the distance. The camp is well-guarded, and cars go in one by one. Randy drives up to the entrance, where a Red Cross worker greets him\nWorker: Name?\nRandy: Do they have Internet here?\nWorker: Name?\nRandy: Marsh.\nWorker: Service provider?\nRandy: NetZero.\nWorker: All right, stay in line. [moves on to the next car] Once you're inside, Red Cross volunteers will direct you to your campsite.\nRandy: So is there Internet here?\nWorker 2: [voice only, from the front] Stay in line and get to your campsite. [Randy drives forward and into the camp]\nScene Description: The campsite interior. The camera scans the place until Randy's car comes into view. The car stops and the family steps outside. Randy walks up to two men sitting by a tent\nRandy: Excuse me, we're looking for some Internet.\nRefugee Man 1: Yeah, they've got it here. [Randy gives a thumbs up]\nStan: All right!\nRefugee Man 2: But there ain't enough to go around. All they got is a little Internet. [curls his thumb and index finger to create a small space between them] Barely a bar a signal. So they have to ration it out, carefully.\nRefugee Man 3: Ya... sign up over there and use your time when they call your name. Each family gets 40 seconds o' Internet per day.\nRandy: Forty seconds? That ain't even long enough to check Wikipedia!\nVolunteer 1: Well it's all we got, so we gotta make do.\nRefugee Man 4: Look, honey, we ordered us some books on Amazon.\nVolunteer 2: All right, time's up.\nRefugee Man 4: No! No wait! I haven't entered the shipping information! [an MP hauls him away] NO! NOO!\nVolunteer 2: Next? Brady, John H.\nRandy: Awww, how am I supposed to see Internet porn that way? [Sharon is within earshot]\nSharon: [walks up to him] What did you say?\nRandy: Uh, you go ahead, Sharon. Divide some Internet amongst the children. I- gotta talk to somebody.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Another tumbleweed rolls by. The Broflovskis are watching TV. Two anchors are on screen with a fax machine between them\nAnchorman: And that's about all we know. Uhh, there might be some Internet still in California and parts of Florida, though we certainly still don't have any here. [the fax machine starts printing]\nAnchorman 2: A fax! A fax is coming through! [points to it with both index fingers with lots of enthusiasm]\nAnchorman: Oh yeah, a fax!!\nAnchorman 2: Oh a fax!\nAnchorman: It's a fax, it's a fax! It's a fax, it's a fax!\nAnchorman 2: It's a fax, we got a fax! [the fax copy pops out and both men grab for it. ] Uh-\nAnchorman: Oh! it says, \"The government has sent their best people to the Internet in order to repair it.\"\nAnchorman 2: [a few seconds later] We've gotta send a reporter out to the Internet!\nKyle: Where... is... the Internet?\nScene Description: A bright morning in the Southwest desert. Military helicopters appear and descend on a secret landing\nGeneral: Gentlemen, the President is very angry that his Internet still isn't working.\nScientist 1: We've tried everything, sir, but the Internet has slowed to a trickle and we can't get it working correctly.\nGeneral: Take me down below! I want to see the Internet for myself!\nScene Description: Down below is a huge cave with research equipment all over the place.\nScientist 2: Here it is, general. The Internet. [before them is a colossal router]\nGeneral: What's wrong with it?\nScientist 2: See that flashing orange light in the middle? It's supposed to be solid green.\nGeneral: [walks towards it a bit, in awe] My God.\nScene Description: The refugee camp, later. Another man is looking at the Internet.\nTransient Man 6: Hahaha, thedancingkitty.com, heh, wum, I wonder what that is, hum? [the site appears in the browser] \"Click on the dancing kitty and you could win a prize!\" hoh, ahaha, ha.\nVolunteer 2: All right, time's up.\nRefugee Man 5: No, wait, I I just clicked on the kitty. I got it. [the MP comes up and hauls him off too] No! It wasn't long enough! NOO!\nVolunteer 2: Next? Nelson, Peter T.\nRandy: [approaches a volunteer] Excuse me, I need to uh, have some private Internet time.\nVolunteer 3: Look, we're just tryin' to get by here. Everyone's gotta take what they can get.\nRandy: [grabs the volunteer's arm, takes him aside and says in a soft voice] I haven't jacked off in over two weeks.\nVolunteer 3: So jack off.\nRandy: [lets go] You don't understand. [the volunteer crosses his arms] I need the Internet to jack off. I... got used to being able to see anything at the click of a button, you know? Once you jack off to Japanese girls puking in each other's mouths you can't exactly go back to Playboy!\nVolunteer 3: What do you want us to do? Pick up the whole computer and put it inside for ten minutes just for you?!\nRandy: Three minutes would be plenty.\nVolunteer 3: Get lost! [walks away]\nRandy: [feeling pain in his genitals] Ohhh.\nScene Description: Back at the campsite.\nSharon: [handing out tickets to her children] All right, each of you take a ticket. When they call your name you can use the Internet.\nShelly: What number are you, turd?\nStan: Eight fifty one.\nShelly: [switches tickets with him] You're nine twenty three now.\nStan: Hey! Mom!\nSharon: [returns] Shelly, give your brother his ticket back!\nShelly: Can't you all see I'm in pain?! Nobody understands pure love! Amir and I are closer than anybody in this stupid family! [runs away]\nScene Description: Randy walks slowly due to his aching balls. He doubles over from time to time\nRefugee Man 5: Psst. Hey! Over here! [Randy looks over, then walks to the man] You... happen to be looking for Internet porn?\nRandy: Yeah, how'd you know?\nRefugee Man 5: Lots of us fellas came here for that reason. We all got used to seein' lots of really perverted stuff on the Internet, so now we can't go back to Playboy.\nRandy: I know, right?\nRefugee Man 5: Anyway, we got us a simulator. You just call out what you wanna see and then say \"click\".\nRandy: \"Internet Porn Simulator\" [the tent is an \"Internet Porn Simulator. Whatever you want to see.\"]\nRefugee Man 5: Give it a try. [lifts up one of the entrance flaps for Randy. Randy enters and sees a makeshift computer on a desk. The monitor is a hollow box. Randy sits down. A hand descends into the hollow box holding a sheet of paper that says \"Anything you want to see with the click of a button!\"]\nRandy: Uh, Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids? Click. [the hand goes up, some scribbling is heard, and the hand comes down again with a picture of one Japanese stick figure pissing on another's face while the second stick figure lies on her back. This does not arouse him. He rolls away from the desk] Oh this sucks! I can't jack off to this! [no one responds] Damn it. [rolls back to the desk and unzips his pants.] Uhm, let's see. Interracial gangbang. Click. [gets ready to masturbate in anticipation. The picture comes down, and it's three black stick figures with their cocks out surrounding a Japanese stick figure.] Agh. Les-shemales! Let's try shemales. Click. [another picture comes down, this one of a stick-figure woman with a penis. Randy is grinding away down there] Bestiality? Click, click on that. [the next picture is that of a stick-figure man fucking a stick-figure pet in the ass. Randy is close to climax] Ah, ah! Brazilian fart fetish porn?! Click! Click! [the next picture is that of a Brazilian stick-figure woman farting on a stick-figure man.] Dahya. [the climax fails to arrive] No. No, this isn't gonna work. [pounds his fist on the desk and walks out] It's just not the same.\nRefugee Man 5: Well, sorry. And that'll be $49 on your credit card.\nRandy: [reaches into his back pocket for his wallet] Well at least that part's like the Internet.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. The Broflovskis are watching the news\nAnchorman: We, we now have a reporter on the scene. Uhl-let's go live!\nField Reporter: Tom, I'm at the Internet, where government officials are doing their best to get it running again.\nGeneral: [through a megaphone] All right, Internet. What do you want from us? [the collosal router does not reply] If we've angered you somehow, let us know. [lowers the megaphone] Try to communicate with it digitally again. [a scientist plays a few notes on a music keyboard. There's no reply. The scientist is about to play again when the original notes are sent back, with two others. That didn't go anywhere] I've had it with this thing! Fire a warning shot at it! [a sniper fires at it, but the bullet had no effect. It just bounced off the router]\nKyle: Hey, wait a minute. [gets off the couch and walks away to think alone] Is it possible that...\nGerald: [stands up] What is it, Kyle?\nKyle: I think... I know what's wrong.\nScene Description: The refugee camp, night. A woman is looking at the Internet now\nShelly: This is taking too long! When do I get to use the Internet?!\nStan: It's gotta be our turn soon.\nVolunteer 2: All right, folks, it's bed time. No more Internet for today.\nRefugees: AWWW!!! [various protests are heard after this]\nWoman: A little closer!\nVolunteer 2: No, no, we're locking it away until tomorrow. [the MPs unplug the computer and carry it and the desk away] Everyone get to bed!\nRefugees: Aw man! [everyone walks off mumbling, disappointed]\nWoman: Wha?![puts her left hand on her head and walks off with her head tilted back]\nShelly: Gggggyyaaah! [punches Stan away, then walks away in the other direction]\nScene Description: A storage room at the refugee camp. The volunteers put the computer away and Volunteer 2 locks the room shut. Randy sees an opportunity and mulls it over. Moments later he's at the room's window looking in. He tries sliding the window open and succeeds. He pulls himself into the room through the window, looks around, forgets to close the window, and walks over to the computer. He starts it up.\nRandy: Uhuh... Finally! I'm online again! Yeeheeyes! [softly as he types] Japanese girls puking each other's mouths. [click. He finds a page right away. The girls are only heard, not shown]\nGirl 1: Haro Kiti kawaii n desho? [\"Hello Kitty is cute, isn't it?\" puke]\nGirl 2: Un. Choukawaii yo ne! [\"Yes. Super cute, right?!\"]\nRandy: Oh niice... Whoa... [begins masturbating]\nGirl 1: Watashi wa... daisuki! [\"I\" puke \"love it!\"]\nRandy: [types away] Now let's see some bestiality. [click. The sound of a woman being rammed by an elephant is heard. Randy is hitting his stride, then heads towards climax] Aahahaha, yes! Ogh! [types away] Let's get some Brazilian fart porn in there! [click. The Brazilian fart porn fetish page loads.] Oh that's good eh! Oh! [a view from outside the shed] Ohhhhhhhhh! Hoh! Hohhh! [other refugees here this and walk out of their tents to see what's going on. Sharon and the kids are out too, but they don't say a thing.]\nRefugee Man 2: What is that?\nRefugee Man 4: Sounds like someone's bein' attacked by a tiger.\nRandy: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhh!\nVolunteer 4: Get the keys! We gotta get in there. [volunteer 2 runs to the door and whips out his keys. Three other volunteers, one of them a woman, follow him up. They get the door open and enter the shed]\nRandy: [voice descending] Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! [the oldest volunteer turns on the lights and they all gasp in shock. Randy is spent, his semen all over the room, the desk, the computer, and himself.]\nVolunteer 2: What the...? [Sharon and the kids rush in]\nStan: Dad?\nSharon: Randy!\nRandy: [trying to explain it away] Oh. Uhh. There was a, there was a ghost! A-a-and-this, this ectoplasm! [volunteer 4 heads for the computer] Did you see the ghost? [the volunteer begins typing on the keyboard] It ran through here; it sli-it slimed me!\nVolunteer 2: You son of a bitch!\nRandy: Oh no it wasn't me, it was this spooky ghost! [volunteer 4 looks back at Randy, who looks back at him]\nScene Description: The underground cave\nField Reporter: This is our last chance. With nowhere else to turn, the government is going to allow one brave nine-year-old boy [Kyle is shown standing before the router] to attempt his method to get the Internet running again. [shots of this breaking news airing all over the U.S.] It all comes down to this. Can the little Jewish boy reason with the Internet? Or will it be gone forever?\nScientist 1: All clear for procedure.\nGeneral: All right! Let's do it! [Kyle walks forward, then up the ramp. His parents fear for him. He walks up and to the right, sees the massive plug and walks to the socket. He just pulls the plug out, waits a few seconds, and plugs it back in. The router responds with a full green signal.]\nScientist 2: Look! The flashing yellow light is steady green now!\nScientist 1: He did it!\nScientist 3: I've got Internet!\nScientist 4: Me too!\nScientist 5: Internet activity in all sectors, sir. [everyone cheers. Kyle looks around a little puzzled]\nScene Description: The refugee camp, moments later. The men from the camp the Marshes first visited are there\nTransient Man 5: I've got Internet.\nTransient Man 6: Me too!\nTransient Man 3: It's back! [everyone begins to cheer there too]\nScene Description: Breaking News. The two anchors are waiting for any news.\nAnchorman: It's back? It's back! [the two anchors dance a jig]\nScene Description: The refugee camp, moments later. Shelly hugs her laptop\nShelly: It's working! I can i-chat with my darling Amir now! [a boy in the background turns around and looks at Shelly]\nAmir: Shelly. Shelly Marsh? [both Shelly and Stan turn around to look at him]\nShelly: What?\nAmir: It's me. Amir.\nShelly: O... kay.\nAmir: Your family came here too, huh?\nShelly: [bashful] Yeah. [the two of them look away from each other]\nAmir: So uhhh, I guess I'll e-mail you as soon as I get back home.\nShelly: Yeah, okay. Sounds good.\nAmir: Okay, s-see ya. [turns around and walks away]\nShelly: [turns around and skips away] We're back togehhhther! We're back togehhhther!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day. Randy is addressing the town. He's dressed in a Native American shirt over his regular clothes\nRandy: And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-logging -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just use up all the Internet we want. But if we don't treat the Internet with the resPECT [pounds the podium hard with his right fist. A few people are startled by this] that it deserves, it could one day be gone forever. So let us learn to live with the Internet, not for it. No more browsing for no apparent reason, no more mindlessly surfing on our laptops while watching television. And finally, [the head of a bald eagle appears on the screen behind him.] We must learn to only use the Internet for porn twice a day. Max. [everyone applauds him, then gives him a standing ovation. He has his left arm up and fist pumped.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Entrance to Pioneer Village, day. The South Park Elementary school bus is parked. Mr. Garrison waits with a bearded employee as the class enters the attraction\nMr. Garrison: Kids, everyone together. Welcome to Pioneer Village. This is a recreation of early Colorado days. I want you all to meet Pioneer Paul. [the bearded employee steps forward, his hands gripping his suspenders]\nPioneer Paul: Hi, kids, and welcome to my village. I settled here in 1864 with my mahr and pahr. Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearin'. And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there?\nStan: Ughh.\nKyle: This is gonna suck.\nPioneer Paul: When you all are ready just head up to the village. All the townfolk are there to answer yer questions. And welcome. [tips his hat a bit to the class] To 1864. Set 'em up!\nMr. Garrison: Thank you, Pioneer Paul. [Pioneer Paul turns around and walks away.] All right, kids, this is a big place, so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with. [the students look at each other and begin to pair off.]\nCartman: Let's be partners, Kenny.\nKenny: (No, I'm partners with Craig) [holds Craig's hand]\nCartman: Okay. [turns and follows Stan] Stan, let's be partners, dude. [Stan approaches Wendy and holds out his hand. She takes it]\nStan: Naw, I'm with Wendy.\nCartman: Eh, you wanna hold hands with a girl? Gaywad! [Wendy flashes him an angry look as he turns and walks away. He looks around and sees most everyone is paired off. He approaches Kyle] All right, let's be partners, Kyle.\nKyle: I hate you, remember? [turns away] You wanna be partners, Jimmy?\nCartman: [miffed] Jesus, what have I ever done to you? Craig? Token? [Clyde and Token pair up] Who, who else needs a partner? [after the rest of the kids have paired up, only Butters is left. Cartman looks at him and he gets bashful all of a sudden, brushing his left foot back and forth on the ground] Uh who else needs a partner?\nMr. Garrison: Eric, partner with Butters.\nCartman: God damn it!\nMr. Garrison: Hold Butters' hand, Eric! [Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]\nCartman: That isn't necessary!\nMr. Garrison: Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you are both back on that bus! Do you understand?!\nButters: I understand. [takes Cartman's hand as Garrison turns towards the village]\nMr. Garrison: All right, let's head in. [leads the way]\nCartman: You can let go now, Butters.\nButters: [firmly] No.\nCartman: Butters, come on!\nButters: No! [the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]\nMr. Garrison: All right kids, go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. [the pairs disperse] Keep track of your partner!\nScene Description: The smithy's shop. The smithy is working on a horseshoe resting on an anvil. Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy drop by\nSmithy: Why howdy partners. [puts his tools down] I'm the town blacksmith. Are you folks settlers, or are you just trappers passin' through?\nStan: Uhhh, look, can we just drop the whole roleplaying thing? I would play along, but my girlfriend's here and I don't wanna look like a total dork in front of her.\nWendy: Thanks, Stan.\nPioneer Paul: [dropping by] These folks sure are strange, Smithy. We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we?\nKyle: [points to the Smithy] That guy is wearing a digital watch.\nSmithy: Oh jeez. [adjust the watch to hide it. Pioneer Paul gives him an angry look]\nPioneer Paul: Damn it Chad!\nChad: [puts it in his pocket] S-sorry, I'm sorry.\nScene Description: Another smithy shop, this time for guns. Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, Jenny and Riley visit\nGunsmith: Why howdy, partners, I'm the town gunsmith. You see, in our time it's pretty violent. See them holes in the walls? That's so we can put rifles through to protect us from Injuns.\nCartman: I wanna shoot an Indian.\nGunsmith: Now some of you might wanna meet Abigail at the candle-makin' house. Or you can head over to the general store. [Kenny, Craig, and the two girls leave. Cartman and Butters head for the holes in the wall]\nButters: Do you see any Indians?\nCartman: Nah, it's just the city and e- Oh my Jesus Christ monkeyballs. [just over the greenery is Super Phun Thyme, a small attraction next door.] \"Super... Phun Thyme.\" [turns to Butters and has him step forward] Dude, check it out! We're only two blocks from a Super Phun Thyme! They've got video games and rides and everything!\nButters: Oh, that's cool. [steps back and turns around] Well come on, Eric, we need to catch up with everyone.\nCartman: Dude, screw this place! We've gotta go to Super Phun Thyme!\nButters: Oh no! I'm not sneakin' out! I'll get in trouble!\nCartman: Fine, then let go of my hand!\nButters: Teacher said I can't let go till we're back on the bus!\nCartman: Well which is it gonna be, Butters?! Are you gonna ditch out with me or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule?!\nButters: I'm not lettin' go!\nCartman: Fine, then you're comin' with me!\nButters: No, Eric! [trips and stands up. Cartman pulls him towards the village's entrance]\nCartman: Butters, let go God-damn it!\nButters: No! [trips and tries to stand up] T-Teacherrr! Teacherrr!\nScene Description: Pioneer Paul leads Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy into the general store.\nPioneer Paul: This here is our general store. It's where I buy all my supplies an' sich.\nClerk: Howdy partners. I own this hearrr general store.\nWendy: Look, Stan, they had beef jerky back then.\nClerk: What do you mean \"back then\"? Don't forget, it's 1864.\nKyle: Right. Except for it really isn't.\nPioneer Paul: Wuh, sure it is. Just look around ye. [they look around, but the modern sound of sirens reaches their ears]\nKyle: What's that?\nStan: Sounds like police sirens.\nPioneer Paul: What's a si-rene? We ain't never heard of no sirene in 1864. [the sound of screeching tires is next, and everyone heads to the windows to find out. A big black SUV pulls into the village and seven people pour out of it. One of them is injured]\nLeader: We lost them, we lost them!\nInjured Thief: Damn pig cops!\nLeader: Close that gate! [two of his henchmen close the gate]\nWendy: What's going on?\nStan: I don't know. [the gunmen gather up the students and adults]\nLeader: Everyone down on the ground NOW!\nSheriff: Wuh-whoa now, I'm Sheriff McLawdog. I settled here back in eighteen fif- [the leader shoots him in the forehead with a silenced gun]\nStan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone?\nStan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone?\nPioneer Paul: A phone? Why, what's a phone? We ain't never hearda sich a thing.\nStan: What?!\nKyle: Come on, this is serious!\nPioneer Paul: Eh storehand, you ever heard of this fancy shmancy phone?\nClerk: Uhhh, nooo. W-we ain't got a phone in our time.\nStan: Dude, they just shot a guy in the face! We've gotta call the cops!\nPioneer Paul: If you mean the law, only law around here is town sheriff McLawdog. You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development in the Old West.\nStan: [in no mood to hear about it] This is not the time for that!\nScene Description: Super Phun Thyme. Cartman pulls Butters towards it.\nCartman: Aw man, this is gonna be awesome! [the go through the double doors] Butters, if you don't let go of my hand, everyone here is gonna think we're gay!\nButters: Well, that's your problem!\nCartman: All right Butters, I've seriously had enough! [tries to rip his hand out of Butters' grip, but only succeeds in pulling Butters around. He tries again, but Butters isn't letting go. He tries a third time, all the way around, and Butters' hand is clamped on tight.] Jesus Christ! [drops the matter and goes to a counter with Butters] One please.\nButters: Make that two! [they each give $6.]\nCashier: Aww, aren't you two cute holdin' hands. Are you special little buddies?\nButters, Cartman: NO! [she gives them their tickets and they go into the attraction]\nScene Description: Super Phun Thyme, interior. Cartman and Butters go into an indoor amusement park. A bounce house is off to the right and miniature golf to the left. Bumper carz and laser tagg are on either side of the bowling lanes. The arcade is on the second floor.\nCartman: Dude, this place shreds! What should we do first?\nButters: We should get back to Pioneer Village, that's what we should do!\nCartman: Butters, we're going to get back before anybody even notices we're gone. Let's go hit the bumper cars! [yanks Butters along.]\nScene Description: Pioneer Village Administration. The façade is 1860s, the building itself current. Wendy reaches the entrance first.\nWendy: Over here. This looks like an office.\nKyle: [opens the door and leads the others in, then spots the phone] Here! Here's the phone! [Wendy gets on the stool and tries to dial out]\nPioneer Paul: Well, what a straaange contraption.\nWendy: I can't get a dial tone. [Kyle listens, then lowers the receiver]\nKyle: What's the number to dial out?\nPioneer Paul: Dial out? Partner, them are some funny words you're usin'.\nStan: Dude, do you understand what's going on here?! [Kyle and Wendy trade places]\nClerk: Maybe they're right, Brian. I mean, this is a special circumstance that-\nPioneer Paul: [grabs him by the collar and shoves him against the door] Brresh! [points something out to him. It's a sign over the door: \"Remember: Never Break Character!\"]\nClerk: Ogh, I mean, this here room is, it sure is strange. We have nothin' like these fancy devices in our time.\nPioneer Paul: I'll say.\nKyle: I got through. Hello, police?\n911 Operator: Nine one one, what's your emergency?\nKyle: There's some terrorists or bankrobbers or something that have taken our class hostage!\n911 Operator: Taken hostage where?\nKyle: The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling.\n911 Operator: You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character?\nKyle: [glances back at the two men] Sister, you don't know the half of it.\nScene Description: Super Phun Thyme. Cartman rides a Space Pilot rocket\nCartman: Check it out, dude, I'm a space man! Space man, yehesss!\nCartman: I'm having a super fun time playin\nScene Description: Cartman and Butters are at a Thirst For Blood video game. Cartman navigates, Butters fires away half-heartedly\nCartman: Get... get that guy! Shoot that guy! Yeah, and then over here! [next they're playing air hockey. They take turns, but still have to run together in switching sides. They run to Butters' side and Butters hits the puck] Oh, you got it. Nice. [they run to Cartman's side, and Cartman hits the puck. They run back to Butters' side...]\nCartman: Super fun time, please don't go awahay.\nScene Description: Cartman and Butters skate as a pair on roller skates, then they share an ice cream sundae. A couple walks by and looks at them funny.\nButters: What are you whoofelin' at? [the couple hurries away]\nCartman: No more worries or cares, super fun time.\nCartman: [on a Road Hogg motorcycle ride as Butters gets on] Waiwait, keep- you're fine. [starts the ride. The motorcycle rocks back and forth quickly] Oh man, whoa!\nButters: Whoa! [gets tossed into the air, but doesn't let go of Cartman's hand. He ends up on Cartman's lap before the ride ends]\nCartman: The answer to my prayers, super fun time. Super fun time, you're all I need.\nScene Description: Cartman and Butters are playing Laser Tagg, except that Cartman is shooting at Butters gleefully. Next, they finally hit the bumper cars. Once everyone is in, the power is turned on. Butters is stuck outside the car, as there's no room for him, so he gets some injuries.\nCartman: Yeheah, we're wired up!\nCartman: I'll have a super fun time till I freakin; bleed. I love you mornin' noon and night, super fun time.\nCartman: [two cars bump into him] Yeah, bumper cars, sweeet! [Butters is battered]\nCartman: You make my life so right, super fun time.\nScene Description: Near the entrance, still inside\nButters: Th-that's it, Eric. We have to be gettin' back!\nCartman: Aw, just a few more things.\nButters: No! If we don't leave right now, we're gonna miss the bus, and then they'll know we left!\nCartman: Huh, I guess you're right, Butters. All right, come on. [they leave Super Phun Thyme]\nScene Description: Pioneer Village, later. The leader of the gunmen barks orders into a walkie talkie and paces back and forth.\nLeader: Set up the satellite relay, check for alternate routes out of the area. [turns to the hostage group] Unfortunately, your police department got wind of our robbery and chased after us. That is unfortunate for you, because when I think it is clear to leave we will now need to take hostages with us to ensure our goods get to their final destination.\nMr. Garrison: Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me. These kids are worth more to you. [the kids are shocked at him. The sirens are heard again]\nBlond: How did they find us?!\nLeader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position]\nPolice Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage.\nBlond: How did they find us?!\nLeader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position]\nPolice Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage.\nLieutenant: Tucker, Dylan, set up a perimeter!\nPolice Chief: Everyone stay on your toes! These are professionals we're dealing with here!\nOfficer 1: What did they rob, sir?\nPolice Chief: A Burger King.\nScene Description: A table in the building the leader was referring to. The leader is there with the injured man and a woman. They pool their money onto the table\nLeader: All right, good. Is that all of it? [a big balding man comes in with several Burger King meals in bags]\nBalding Man: No. Don't forget we've got these too.\nLeader: Excellent. Now listen, everyone, we're going to be all right. This is only a small hitch in our plan. [pulls out a cell phone and dials some numbers.] I'd like to speak with the chief of police! [listens] Who is this? This is the man who is going to kill an entire class of fourth graders if he doesn't get exactly what he wants!\nScene Description: Outdoors in Pioneer Village. The group that was in the administration building now arrives in the center of the village and ducks down behind a trough\nKyle: Why aren't the cops coming in?\nWendy: They must be negotiating.\nPioneer Paul: Them there bandits sure look mighty strange. And them pistols is way bigger than whats we's gots.\nKyle: [annoyed] Will you shut up!\nStan: Wait, you have guns here?\nPioneer Paul: Sure. Sheriff got lots of rifles in his office.\nStan: Well why don't you go get them and bring them back here?!\nPioneer Paul: All righty. Come on, storehand.\nClerk: Yeppir! [they leave]\nScene Description: Kipling, near Pioneer Village. Cartman and Butters head back to the village after a few hours at Super Phun Thyme.\nCartman: Uhaw man, I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's face when we tell him we had super fun time, while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village.\nButters: We're not telling anybody! I don't wanna get in trouble! And I didn't have a super fun time anyways.\nCartman: Butters, you've gotta learn to chill. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it.\nButters: Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true.\nCartman: [stops in his tracks] Uh oh. [sees the police at the Pioneer Village entrance.] Crap, they called the cops on us.\nButters: What?! They called the cops?!\nCartman: They must have realized we left. Damn.\nButters: Oh my God, the police are looking for us!\nCartman: [covers Cartman's mouth and takes him behind a mail box] Shhh! Butters!\nButters: [quickly upset] We're gonna get it now!\nCartman: Butters Butters, calm down! I know a way out of this!\nButters: You just got me busted forever!\nCartman: Butters, l-listen to me, listen.\nButters: No! [turns away]\nCartman: All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us. Then we can say we were inside all along.\nButters: You said they wouldn't notice we were gone. You promised. [punches him softly on the chest with his free hand]\nCartman: If we sneak back inside, we can say we never left, all right? [Butters calms down and stops sobbing] All right, now let go of my hand.\nButters: No.\nCartman: Butters?\nButters: Huh you made me break one rule, I'm not breaking the other! It's all I have now.\nCartman: All right, come on! [they head back towards Super Phun Thyme]\nScene Description: Inside Pioneer Village, day. The leader gives more commands as he walks along. He reaches one of his henchman, who's got monitoring equipment laid out and operational\nLeader: Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts. Everyone check in at two-minute intervals. I hope you have good news, Orlich.\nOrlich: The police have us completely surrounded on all sides. There's no way we're gettin' out above ground without being spotted.\nLeader: Above ground?\nOrlich: Look, I found this at the rear of the park. It's an old mine shaft, [a picture of an abandoned gold mine appears] but Pioneer Village was sued when a kid died in it, so they closed it down and protected it with a huge me'al door with a coded lock.\nLeader: So if we can get into the shaft we can tunnel our way around the police. Excellent.\nOrlich: One more thing, Franz: I want my share of the take now.\nFranz: [finally, a name for the leader] What's the matter, Orlich? Lose your sense of trust?\nOrlich: I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel. Then you take the loot to Berlin and I never see you again. I want my cut.\nFranz: Very well. [hands him a wad of bills and a Burger King lunch bag. Orlich opens the bag, takes out his burger, and leafs through its contents like a deck of playing cards to make sure nothing is missing]\nScene Description: The village square, moments later. The blacksmith is tied up and sitting on a wooden chair. The woman hits the blacksmith's right eye with the butt of her gun\nFranz: I'm going to ask you again, what is the door code to the tunnel?!\nSmithy: I told you, mister, what would I know about a door code? I'm just a simple blacksmith. With my trusty forge I makes all the metalworks for the village. [the woman strikes his face again with her rifle] OW.\nFranz: [holds up the smithy's employee profile] You are an employee here, that means you are required to know the door code for fire code reasons, [reads from the profile] Mister David Palmer of Colorado Springs!\nSmithy: Huh my name ain't Palmer, it's... Old Smithy. Hand we ain't never heard of no fire code, why, we gots to put fires out ourselves when the- [the woman strikes his face again with her rifle] OW.\nFranz: That's it! [aims his gun at Smithy's left temple. The woman backs away] Tell me the code or you die! [the smithy sobs] One... two...\nSmithy: I...\nFranz: Yes?\nSmithy: I don't know nothin' about no fancy door code. I'm just a simple blacksmith. [Franz kills him and his body drops off the chair. The class and the pioneer villagers but Craig are stunned]\nCraig: [observes] These Pioneer Village workers are really committed to their jobs. [another worker is tied up and put on the chair as the smithy's body is dragged away]\nWorker: No. Please. Don't hurt me.\nFranz: Give us the code to that door and we can leave!\nWorker: [shuts his eyes hard] I've never heard of sss-something called a door code. [leans over and whispers] Please, can't you ask some other way?\nFranz: I don't have time for your stupid game! Tell me, or you die right now! [gets his gun ready]\nWorker: All right, all right! Look, it's just, it's just one of those... Jenkins home security locks. You press the top button and then, and then enter 5-2 [he's killed, but by someone else. The class and the pioneer villagers gasp when it sees whom the killer is. Pioneer Paul is shown with a rifle in his hand, and the general store clerk is next to him]\nPioneer Paul: [tosses his rifle away and walks to the class] What he meant to say, kids, is that we ain't never heard o'no fancy door code 'cause in our time, we gots to rely on wood locks and sich.\nFranz: God damn it you people are fucking insane!\nScene Description: Kyle, Wendy, Stan, and Jimmy have seen this all from behind the trough\nKyle: I don't believe it.\nFranz: Domino, [looks at the balding man, then at another henchman] Vosky! Find out if there are any employees or students wandering about! Bring them here or shoot them! [the two henchmen move out]\nWendy: Oh crap, we've gotta hide. Come on! [they start to move.]\nJimmy: Yeah. [all stop] We've gotta geh- ...geh... get the hell ...outta here f- f-hast fast. [they finally leave]\nScene Description: Outside Pioneer Village. The police are scouring the surroundings. One of them answers a call\nOfficer 2: Sector Bravo, no activity.\nButters: Jeez, uh cops are looking for us everywhere.\nCartman: Don't worry, they're not gonna find us 'til we're safely back inside. [turns left and points] Look, see that traffic signal down there? [the intersection is shown] If we can climb across that, we can jump to the tree branch, and then we're home free.\nButters: That looks dangerous.\nCartman: Not getting busted always is, Butters. Come on. [they head to the signal. Butters is lighter, so he goes up first. He pulls Cartman along up the traffic signal, then stands on the arm] Good, that's good. [Cartman stands up too] That's good, Good, all right then. Let's head across. [they begin to tip-toe along the traffic signal's arm.] Go easy. Good.\nButters: Oh gosh in heaven.\nCartman: It's all right. You've got it, no problem- [his left foot slips, causing them both to lose their balance] OP.\nButters: Whoa!\nCartman: Save me!\nButters: I'm gonna fall! [they both scream as they struggle to stay on the arm, but they both fall off... and end up hanging from the arm like a pair of tennis shoes tied together]\nCartman: ... Oh dude, laaame.\nScene Description: The village square. Franz is still on top of things.\nFranz: Frohlich, check in. Have you found any other employees?\nDomino: We found somebody. [the two henchmen he sent off earlier return]\nVosky: We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office.\nPioneer Paul: [gasps] You let out Murderin' Murphy?\nMurderin' Murphy: Y'are all gettin' it for puttin' me in that thar jail!\nFranz: [frustrated and pissed off] Stop it! Stop your bad historical acting right now!\nWoman: Tarnation. Why'd you let Murderin' Murphy go? He's a bad man.\nFranz: [approaching the employees] I am the fucking bad man! Do you get that?! Knock it off and give me the mine shaft access code!\nPioneer Paul: You're just gonna have to kill us, mister, 'cause you ain't makin' no sense at all.\nFranz: I won't kill you if you don't tell me. I'll kill one of THEM! [walks over to the students...]\nMr. Garrison: Not me! Not me not me not me not me! [...and grabs Kenny]\nKenny: (What? Hey, let go.)\nFranz: [drags Kenny to the employees] Do you want to see a child die?!\nKenny: (No they don't wanna see a child die! You guys! Uf.)\nScene Description: The traffic signal, later.\nButters: I am so disappointed in myself. Teacher gave me a res-responsibility, and I was just supposed to look after my partner, and I blew it!\nCartman: Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters. You can't help being a douchebag. Wait, Butters, look! [a big truck is headed their way] This is it! This is our chance! Swing over, Butters! Go!\nButters: Huh... [swings over, and they both land on the truck. They then move about looking for a good position to jump from]\nCartman: Quick! Are you ready?! We gotta jump!\nButters: Let's do it!\nCartman: Ready? Go! [they leap off the truck and over the wooden wall. The police are not aware of this. They land on a roof and roll of it into a wooden wheelbarrow, which tips over and dumps them onto the ground.]\nScene Description: Inside Pioneer Village. at the village square.\nFranz: [Domino and Vosky bring the female employee over to Kenny, who is tied up on the chair] What about you? Will you tell us the access code or do you want to see this kid die?!\nWoman: I'm sorry, I'm a woman and women in our time ain't allowed to know the carryin's on of the town proper.\nFranz: God damn it!\nScene Description: In a nearby building, Stan, Wendy and Jimmy hide under a table. Kyle peeks out a hole in the boarded-up windows behind the table\nKyle: Dude, they're gonna kill Kenny!\nStan: I can't let them do it. [comes out from under the table] I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice. [turns and heads for the door, then exits the building]\nKyle: Stan?\nWendy: [leans out] Where are you going, Stan?\nStan: Wendy, I have to do something. Please look away. [turns around, grabs some dirt, rubs it on his face, and walks to the hostage area]\nFranz: All right, that does it! [jabs the tip of the gun up against Kenny's hood. Kenny just looks at him] On the count of three this child dies! One! Two!\nKenny: (God damn it, someone help me!)\nStan: [walks up] Well howdy there, strangers. [everyone looks at him as he approaches] Sorry to interrupt ye, but I done come from Pagosa Springs to buy me some wares an' sich..\nPioneer Paul: Ohhh, welcome, partner. [the other employees welcome him as well.]\nFranz: Wha-what are you doing?\nstan: I heard you all had some difficulty with a criminal getsin' out of your jail.\nPioneer Paul: That's right, Murderin' Murphy. He's crazy 'cause someone killed his pa.\nMurderin' Murphy: They killed my pahr!\nStan: I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door that opened with numbers instead of keys. You know, like a biiiiig safe.\nPioneer Paul: Y-y-yeah, I understand that.\nClerk: Finally, a fella that talks some sense.\nStan: If'n you all was to have such a giant safe, what would you villagers want the number to be to unlock that thar jail door shuckamuck?\nPioneer Paul: Oh, well uh, I reckon the easiest number to remember for any big safe door lock would be... 1864.\nClerk: Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is.\nFranz: Eighteen sixty four. Orlich, we have the door code! Start packing up! We'll take the hostages with us! [smiles]\nMr. Garrison: No, you got your door code, let us go!\nVosky: Copy that. What's the code, over. [Butters and Cartman step out from behind a building, then quickly step back behind it before they can be seen]\nCartman: Sweet, there's still cops looking for us in here. All right, follow my lead, Butters. [they step out again and walk towards Vosky, who gets ready to shoot] Hohoo man, hasn't this place been fascinating, Butters?\nButters: Yeah, it sure has.\nCartman: Oh, I just don't know what I liked better: the historical buildings and archifacts or the, or the uhhhm.\nButters: Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople, uh...\nCartman: Witty anecdotes, yes, that's been ab- that's been awesome.\nButters: Been a hoot all right!\nVosky: Get your hands behind your head!\nCartman: What'd we do? We've been here the whole time.\nVosky: Shut up! Put your hands behind your head! Do it now! [they put their free hands behind their heads, which surprises him] Let go of each other!\nButters: Huh uh.\nVosky: Do what I tell you!\nButters: Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here!\nVosky: Let go or else I'll put a bullet through your hands and make you let go!\nCartman: Butters.\nVosky: Now!\nButters: No! [remembering how Cartman swung him around at Super Phun Thyme, he swings Cartman around and knocks Vosky down. He and Cartman sprint across the field and manage to avoid the barrage of bullets Wilskey sends their way]\nCartman: Jesus Christ! [Vosky fires off a grenade, which hits a house just as Cartman and Butters run past it. The blast blows them off their feet]\nButters: AAAAH!\nCartman: AAAAH! [this and the gunfire alert the other robbers]\nFranz: Go! Go take care of it! I'll stay with the hostages! [the gunwoman and Orlich leave]\nStan: Hey, m-Murderin' Murphy, you see that there feller?\nMurderin' Murphy: Yeah.\nStan: He done killed yer pahr.\nMurderin' Murphy: [stands up enraged] What?! Well I'll rip his head off! [runs towards Franz and tackles him]\nOfficer 2: We've got a chance. Hostages are clear! [officers climb over the wooden wall and pour into the village.]\nFranz: They are coming in! [the shootout between cops and robbers begins. Orlich is shot dead and his burger drops to the floor next to him. The gunwoman fires, and the cops fire back. She is shot through a window and dies.]\nMr. Garrison: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nOfficer 3: Whoa, no, no!\nOfficer 2: Hostages are secure at the park entrance!\nMurderin' Murphy: I got you now, Pioneer Paul!\nPioneer Paul: They shoulda never let you out of jail, Murderin' Murphy! [they get into a fistfight. Domino shoots at the cops from the second floor of the saloon. The cops fire back and Domino keels over, dead. Franz walks over to Orlich's body and takes back his cut]\nPolice Chief: [arrives and aims his gun] Freeze, scumbag! It's all over! [Other officers gather and aim their weapons. Franz drops his satchel and puts his hands behind his head.]\nWoman: Murderin' Murphy's gonna kill Pioneer Paul!\nOfficer 2: [aims his gun at the men] Stop right now! It's over! [a bell rings out three tones and the fistfight ends]\nPA System: Howdy, partners. It's five o'clock. Pioneer Village is now closed for the day. [Murphy and Paul let go of each other and stand up smiling] Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home.\nPioneer Paul: We made it!\nMurderin' Murphy: We made it! [the employees hug each other and begin to disperse]\nWoman 2: Oh God, I can't wait to get out of this dress.\nMurderin' Murphy: Whoa, that was great! [the employees begin to drop their makeup and other bits of costume]\nPioneer Paul: Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know, the phone is in the administration building, you dial 9 to get out, and there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs. Good night everybody, thanks for coming. We did it, guys!\nGunsmith: Let's go to TGI Fridays and get some jalapeño poppers!\nMurderin' Murphy: Yeah, that'd be great!\nMan 1: All right!\nMan 2: Oh yeah, huh. Jalapeño poppers.\nMan 3: Let's go, huh.\nScene Description: Outside Pioneer Village, evening. The cops finish up their investigations. Mr. Garrison talks to them with his class around him.\nWendy: Stan, you were really brave in there, but you did kind of sound like a big dork.\nStan: I know.\nPolice Chief: Come on you!\nFranz: You're hurting my arm!\nPolice Chief: Too bad! You'll be going away for a long time. Was it worth it?\nFranz: In a way, it was. I might not have gotten away, but... at least I learned a lot about Pioneer life in the Old West. Those early settlers didn't have the modern conveniences we all take for granted today. To think how difficult it was back in those times to do somethin' as simple as washing your clothes. Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all.\nPolice Chief: That's true. [Franz is put in a squad car and the cops continue with their work]\nWendy: [looks at Pioneer Village] Hey look. [Butters walks towards the entrance dragging Cartman behind him. Cartman is passed out. Butters drags him over the sidewalk, across the parking lot, and on to the bus. Only then does he let go]\nButters: Teacher, my partner is back on the bus! [all energy leaves him and he passes out too]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies. The flag of the People's Republic of China flaps over the Bird's Nest, aka the National Stadium\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the televised broadcast of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies from Beijing. [fireworks enter the stadium and the drum roll begins. The drummers are bent over their drums as lights in the drums flash on and off] Thousands of Chinese performers playing ancient Chinese drums. [the roll ends in a wave of drummers standing up straight and not drumming] The precision of their movements made even more impressive by their massive numbers. [all the drummers strike their drums at once and the light display resumes]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman isn't having a peaceful dream\nCartman: [dreaming about being at the Opening Ceremonies] No! The Chinese, no! Somebody has to stop them! [The stadium lights come up and the drummers resume their drumming. Cartman is getting restless] No! No!\nLiane: [knocks on his door] Eric? Sweetie, are you having nightmares about the Chinese again?\nCartman: [talking in his sleep] They're gonna... take over the world! HAA! [The drummers start up again] Too many of them. [Cartman now dreams of walking among the drummers] No! Leave us alone! [The drummers strike solidly on their drums, and Cartman now finds himself bouncing on the drums as they rise and fall under him] Nooo! [Four different groups of Chinese Olympians surround him. Cartman wakes from his nightmare and checks his face to be sure he's not dreaming] Damn it no! No!\nLiane: [quickly enters the room, turns on the light and comes to his side] Sweetiekins, are you all right?\nCartman: Mom. Mom, the Chinese are gonna get me!\nLiane: [consoles him] No, sweetie, the Chinese aren't going to get you.\nCartman: [sobbing] They are so! There's two billion of them and their economy is getting better and with all their advances in technology they're gonna bring down America!\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny await the bus. Cartman walks up and stands between Kyle and Kenny.\nCartman: [being serious] All right. Guys, we need to talk. [no response from the other three] You know, uh we can all just pretend... that we didn't see those opening ceremonies but, the Chinese... are very real. We've gotta do something. [the other boys stay silent] Are we just gonna pretend America is going to be okay? Are we just going to... wait until they've taken over the world?\nKyle: [steps forward, away from the others] I'm sorry. [holds his palms up and out, then shakes them as if to hold off something] I I'm sorry, I can't do this. [then lowers them] I'm not doing this. [walks off to his right]\nStan: [stops Kyle in his tracks just by saying] Kyle, you're supposed to tell Cartman he's being racist or something?\nKyle: Yeah he's an idiot but uh I'm sorry, I just... I can't do this anymore, okay? I... I can't do this anymore! [walks away. The other boys look at him, Stan a bit shocked]\nKenny: (Damn.)\nScene Description: '[Kyle's room, moments later. Kyle is at his desk moping, his arms crossed and his face buried in them. Someone knocks twice, then opens the door. It's Stan.]'\nStan: Kyle. [Kyle doesn't reply. Stan sighs, closes the door and approaches him] Kyle, you can't keep doing this. You know what, at some point, you've got to let this go.\nKyle: Yeah? Well... maybe you can forget what happened, but I... can't.\nStan: Look, what happened, happened. We can't change it now. We have to move on.\nKyle: [leaves his desk angrily and faces Stan] Move on?! Our friend was raped, Stan! He was raped, and we all stood there and did [takes his hands, puts them side by side, and sweeps them out away from each other] nothing!\nStan: There was nothing we could do, Kyle! [Kyle walks away. Stan says softly] There was nothing we could do. We had to get out of there.\nKyle: [turns around and faces Stan] Did we?! Maybe we could have stopped them!\nStan: How?\nKyle: [turns away again] I dream about it every night. Every time I close my eyes I see us just running away, running while they ray-rape him over and over again. [clenches his fists at the thought of it, then loosens the grips and turns around] And because we did nothing... they got away.\nStan: You can't keep torturing yourself like this, Kyle. Let it... go.\nKyle: [wipes something from his forehead] I'm... glad... that you guys can just keep living. I don't think I can. [walks out of the room. Stan watches him leave, then sighs]\nStan: [puts his hands in his jacket pockets] God damn it.\nScene Description: Butters' bathroom. Butters is taking a bubble bath with a rubber ducky and a toy submarine\nButters: Lu lu lu I've got some space flight. Lu lu lu space flights seem old... Lu lu lu-\nCartman: [bursts into the bathroom, startling Butters] There you are, Butters!\nButters: Uhuh, Eric.\nCartman: Butters, I need your help.\nButters: Not now, Eric, I'm ih I'm indecent.\nCartman: The Chinese are gonna take us over, Butters! And we are the only people who seem to care!\nButters: The Chinese?\nCartman: I handed out fliers, called together meetings, but it's like... everyone's turning a blind eye. The Chinese are taking over the world and nobody's doing anything! It's up to you and me, Butters. We have to stop the Chinese now.\nButters: Aw, I can't stop the Chinese tonight, Eric, uh I'm supposed to make a model car with my dad.\nCartman: You don't get it Butters! Our lives are about to change! The Chinese outnumber us a million to one. And when their army gets here, they're gonna kill your parents!\nButters: Why are they gonna kill my parents?\nCartman: Because the Chinese hate Americans! That's why I've started: the American Liberation Front. A group dedicated to freeing American from Chinese tyranny. [with determination] Will you join me?\nButters: I don't want my parents to die.\nCartman: [hops onto the stool] So you'll join the American Liberation Front?!\nButters: Well sure.\nCartman: [cups Butters' right hand between his own two hands] You and me: we're going to be the brave little boys who fought back, Butters. We are not letting them take over our country. Fuck the Chinese.\nButters: Yeah, [pounds his left fist into the water] fuck 'em.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's asleep\nKyle: No... No! [he's having a nightmare] No...\nScene Description: In the dream. Only the voices are heard at first\nKyle: No, wait. No, we have to stop them! They're raping him. Rape!\nStan: Let's get out of here!\nKyle: We can't just leave!\nStan: Come on!\nKyle: Aw it's horrible! [we now join the dream already in progress]\nScene Description: The setting is the Bijou theater, day. The movie playing is \"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull\"\nStan: Oh God!\nKyle: Somebody do something!\nClyde: Why are they doing this?!\nScene Description: Inside the theater.\nKyle: They're just taking Indiana Jones and they're... [blinks hard] they're raping him! [Stan quickly covers his eyes]\nStan: I can't watch! [uncovers his eyes and rises from his seat] Let's get out of here Kyle! [leaves. Kenny follows him out of the row, then Clyde, Butters, and Jimmy.]\nKyle: Why would Spielberg and Lucas do this?!\nStan: COME ON LET'S GO! [grabs Kyle by the right hand and drags him out]\nKyle: WHY ARE THEY DOING THIIIS?!\nStan: JUST RUN!! [the six boys run out of there.]\nScene Description: Outside the theater.\nStan: Why aliens? Aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie? [Kyle throws up] Come on dude! There's nothing we can do!\nClyde: [in despair] Whyyy? Whyyy?? [Kenny runs around is disbelief]\nJimmy: We can't help him now.\nButters: Well I thought it was pretty good.\nStan: Let's just go, Let's just go! [grabs Kyle's right hand and pulls him away from the theater]\nKyle: [suddenly wakes up] NOO! [sits on the edge of his bed.] Noo. No. Awwh. [sobs softly in relief] Aw no...\nScene Description: South Park, day. Cartman and Butters walk down the street and approach a corner. Cartman is carrying a duffle bag\nCartman: All right Butters, we're here. [sets the duffle bag down] Are you ready?\nButters: I'm scared, but I know my country needs me.\nCartman: This is it, Butters. We have to be strong. We're taking down those God damned Chinese right now. [points at something across the street - a P.F. Chang's China Bistro] Things could get ugly in there, Butters. We've got to infiltrate, and find out the Chinese invasion plans. [opens the duffle bag and begins to search through it]\nButters: But Eric, wu-why would the, Chinese tell us their invasion plans?\nCartman: Because we're going to make them think... we're one of them. [pulls out a Chinese peasant hat] Here, put these teeth in! [hands him some buck teeth] And just say \"herro\" and \"prease\" a lot. [puts in his own buck teeth and squints his eyes] \"Oh, herro prease.\" Ping pong ching chong.\nButters: Ping ping. Herro. ...Prease.\nScene Description: P.F. Chang's, moments later. Cartman and Butters enter in Chinese costumes. Cartman now has makeup on his eyes while Butters wears a fez and has drawn glasses around his eyes\nGreeter: [a woman] Uhh welcome to P.F. Chang's. I'll be right with you. [turns to other guests]\nButters: [leans over] Hey, Eric, uh these people aren't Chinese.\nCartman: [panics, voice rising] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!\nButters: [walks up to him] What?\nCartman: It's already started. White people in here working for the Chinese. They're selling out their own country!\nGreeter: Uh, can I help you?\nCartman: Ah yes, herro prease. [puts his hands together and bows a bit] We are Chinese peopull.\nButters: [also bows] Herro prease. Ting tao ding ling.\nGreeter: Uh yeah, why don't I seat you over here? [they follow her to their table and take their seats. She gives them their menus] Your waitress will be right with you.\nCartman: Fruttar sheshar. [the greeter leaves] What the hell is going on here? We've gotta sneak our back into the back Butters- uh huck! [goes into hushed tones and points] There they are! Chinese people! There are Chinese people right over there! [Butters leans over and looks back. Sure enough, a Chinese family of five is looking at them] Do you see them?\nButters: Yeah.\nCartman: Oh my God the Chinese are here. Okay, okay I'm freaked out. I'm freaking out.\nButters: Stay calm, Eric.\nCartman: They're right over there, and they're gonna start screaming and banging on those drums, and then they're go- [Butters smacks him, shutting him up] Thank you Butters. All right, we need to go over there and find out what we can from those Commie rats. [they make their way to the family's table] Oh, herro, prease, herro.\nButters: [bows a bit] Herro, prease.\nCartman: So nice to see othaa Chinese peopull heeh. As you can see, we are Chinese peopull ourselves.\nButters: Fing fong ting tong.\nCartman: Ting ton teetong.\nMother: 他们在干什么啊？[subtitled] What are they doing?\nFather: 诶，我真的不知道。[subtitled] I don't know.\nCartman: Yeah, [gibberish] So, what are the plans to take over America again? I fohgot. [snickers. The family just stares at them]\nScene Description: Stark's pond, evening. Jimmy sits on a bench staring out over the water as the sun sets. The lake looks more like a lake should look now\nStan: [walks into view] Jimmy? I don't know what to do about Kyle. [walks towards the shore] You know, I... I don't think he's ever going to be the same.\nJimmy: And what about you, Stan? We were all in the theater that day. We all... saw it happen.\nStan: Yeah well I, I just try not to think about it.\nJimmy: I thought I could go on like before. But after seeing Indiana get raped... After seeing Indiana get raped I know I'll never be the sa-a-ame, the same? The same. [Stan turns right and sighs] Do you remember that scene with Indiana in the refrigerator? [Stan turns his head to look back] It didn't make any sense, Stan.\nStan: [turns to face Jimmy] I don't need this now. [looks away and closes his eyes] I just want things to be the way they were! [runs off]\nJimmy: [turns left to follow Stan's path] You can't run away from it forever, [faces the lake again] Stan! Sooner or later, we all have to face what we fe-fe-fehh fehsow.\nScene Description: Stan wanders through town, but stops to remember something: he's in the movie theater watching a movie and eating popcorn\nStan: Indiana Jones! All right! [The screen is shown: Indy is at the foot of a long set of stairs]\nIndy: [turns to face Stan] Hey there, Stan. All set to see my new adventure?\nStan: [happily] You bet, Indiana! [Stan's jaw drops. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas walk up behind Indy, smiling] No!... Look out Indy, it's... Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!\nSpielberg: Well well hello there Indiana. [rubs Indy's left shoulder]\nLucas: [pats Indy's back lovingly] You're looking cute. [they begin to rough him up]\nStan: No! Uh what are you gonna do to him?! [they begin to disrobe Indy]\nSpielberg: Oh yeah! [Spielberg rips Indy's shirt open]\nIndy: No! [Stan covers his mouth in disbelief and alarm]\nStan: Indy! [Lucas and Spielberg now have Indy pinned to the ground]\nLucas: Yeah! Get his pants down! Get his pants down! [Spielberg pulls down Indy's pants as Indy wails]\nSpielberg: Hold him, Lucas! Come on!\nLucas: [holding Indy down] Heheh! He-he ain't goin' nowhere!\nSpielberg: [gets on top of Indy] Yeah!\nStan: No, stop! Raape!\nIndy: HOOOOOOOOO! [the daydream ends and Stan has tears in his eyes. He breaks down and falls on all fours, weeping. He raises his face and fist to the sky and continues weeping]\nScene Description: P.F. Chang's. Cartman and Butters are still there...\nCartman: All right, Butters, I think we've almost got the Chinese to trust us! Now as soon as they tell us their invasion plans, make a run for that door, okay?!\nButters: Okay, okay.\nCartman: Ho ho, that's a good one, Ping Ling. Hoho. So ah where were we? Oh yes, the invasion pran.\nButters: Huh, invasion pran.\nCartman: What day is American invasion again? I fohget. [snickers]\nFather: 'Scuse me, miss?\nGreeter: Yes sir?\nFather: These people won't leave us alone.\nCartman: [thinks a bit] ...No no, it's okay. We are Chinese peopull.\nFather: You aren't Chinese.\nCartman: Oh my God...\nButters: We're busted! Uh what do we do??\nGreeter: Okay, why don't we go...\nCartman: Stay- stay back! Nobody moves, you got that?! [moves into the main area of the restaurant] Don't... touch us! We know what the Chinese are up to! We saw the Olympic Opening Ceremonies! [a couple stops eating] The gig is up! Everyone just s-step over to that wall! [points to his right] I mean it! Butters, hold this gun on them. [pulls a gun from a pocket and hands it to Butters]\nButters: A gun?\nCartman: Hold the gun on them Butters!\nButters: I don't want a gun, Eric!\nCartman: They're taking over our country, Butters! This is life or death now! Help! Me!\nButters: Oh jeez...\nCartman: Everyone get up and go over to that wall! Do it! Move! [the guests rise from their seats with their hands up and move over to the wall Cartman pointed to] We, are the American Liberation Front! And you are ALL going to pay for betraying your country to the Chinese!\nPatron: This is stupid. I'm leaving!\nCartman: Nobody is going anywhere until the police arrive!\nPatron: [walks towards the front doors] Screw you!\nCartman: Shoot him, Butters!\nButters: No!\nCartman: You have to shoot him, Butters! He's gonna warn all the Chinese and they're gonna kill your parents! Do it! Do it!\nButters: Waah! [looks away with his eyes shut and shoots at the patron. The bullet hits the patron in the groin, which splatters all over his clothes. The patron puts his hands over his crotch in pain]\nPatron: Ow! A-Ah! A-Ooowww!\nCartman: Aw dude, you shot him in the dick.\nButters: Huh?\nCartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.\nButters: But I was just trying to stop him, and you said-\nCartman: [faces him] It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick. Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick? That's just, that's just weak. I can't believe you, Butters.\nScene Description: Stormy Weathers's office. Kyle sits in a chair facing the Stormy, who's behind his desk.\nKyle: My name is Kyle Broflovski. My friend was raped last Memorial Day weekend. And, and I [sniffs and wipes his nose with his right hand] I'm gonna help prosecute the men responsible.\nStormy: [looking through the paperwork] You want to bring Steven Spielberg and George Lucas to trial for raping Indiana Jones.\nKyle: I know that I'll have to testify, that I'll have to... relive what I saw that day. [sniffs and wipes his nose with his right hand] But I can't let Spielberg and Lucas get away with it. Not this time. Even if I have to do it alone.\nStan: You aren't alone. [he enters the room with Kenny, Clyde, and Jimmy]\nKyle: [gets off the chair] Stan?\nStan: We'll all testify. We can't let them ever do this again. [begins to cry and leans into Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him and begins to cry. The other boys cry as well] I love you.\nKyle: I love you too.\nStormy: [interrupts the crying] Uh kids, kids, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.\nStan: Wh-why?\nStormy: You don't have a case here. You can't really say that Spielberg and Lucas raped Indiana Jones in the new film.\nKyle: [points at him] Did you see it?\nStormy: Yes I saw it, but I- [his face drops and he turns away] But I just try not to think about it.\nStan: Then you saw what Lucas and Spielberg did to him!\nStormy: I don't know what I saw! [crosses his arms] All right?! I mean, it wa-it was dark in the theater... I mean... yeah, things got a little out of hand with the plot... the third act took too long, uh-\nKyle: Indy deserved more than that!\nStormy: [wheels around] GET OUT! JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! [the boys leave, and the DA slams the door shut on them. The DA returns to his desk, sits in his chair, and begins to cry. He remembers the scene this way:] No, no... [pounds his desk]\nScene Description: a bar, night. Indy is at a pinball machine playing away\nSpielberg: Well well, Indiana Jones. [the Stormy is playing on a different arcade game] You're looking nice. [the pinball machine the Stormy is at has a Willow theme all over; the one Indy is at has a Howard the Duck theme. Lucas has Indy pinned on the machine with his pants down. Spielberg unbuttons Indy's shirt and starts licking his nipples.]\nIndy: Hey. Hey! [begins to wail and moan]\nSpielberg: There you go, Lucas! Dick him! [Indy struggles to get away, but Lucas is in full control] He's gonna do it right there! All right! All right Georgie!\nLucas: Grab his hands, heh. [Spielberg runs up and holds Indy's hands down on the pinball machine]\nStormy: Hey leave him alone! [Lucas now pulls down his pants and sticks his dick in Indy's ass, firmly covering Indy's mouth with his right hand to muffle the screams.]\nSpielberg: COME ON BIG GUY!\nIndy: NOOO! [three men approach to see what's happening. Indy looks at them and they quickly leave. The pinball machine moves violently. A glass of beer resting on it falls and shatters. Lucas comes to climax and the strain on his face is clearly shown. The Stormy covers his eyes, and his recollection ends]\nStormy: Nooo... Nohoho... [pounds his desk. Moments later he opens his window as the boys leave the courthouse] Waaait! [the boys stop and look up] Wait I... want to help! [begins to cry. The boys down below begin to cry also.]\nScene Description: P.F. Chang's, night. The diners are all up against the wall.\nFather: Look, we don't know what you're talking about. There's no Chinese plan to take over America.\nCartman: Shaddup! These American traitors might have bought your propaganda, but not us! [police sirens are heard approaching] Oh, thank God, the police are here! We're safe! [walks towards the front doors]\nCaptain: You with the gun, step out or we will fire upon you.\nCartman: [walks outside] No no, you got it wrong. We aren't the Chinese, we're the good gu- [notices something different. The camera shows that one of the police officers is Chinese] AAH! [runs back inside and back to Butters] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!\nButters: Uhwhat?\nCartman: [quite agitated] One of the cops is Chinese! Son of a bitch, how high up does this thing go? We can't trust anybody here, Butters! [heads to a window with Butters in tow, and opens it] Don't come any closer! We have information that we will only trust with the President of the United States!\nOfficer: The President?\nCaptain: All right men, come on. We're going in.\nCartman: No! God damn it we're serious! We'll only talk to the President! Stop! Fire a warning shot, Butters! [Butters shuts his eyes and shoots. The Chinese officer is struck in the groin and it explodes all over his clothes]\nChinese Officer: [puts his hands over his crotch] Ow! Ah, o-ow! [Cartman looks on in disbelief]\nCartman: Dude! What the fuck are you doing?!\nButters: What? What happened? [looks outside the window]\nCartman: God damn it Butters, what did I say about shooting guys in the dick?!\nButters: Aw, I did it again?\nCartman: What the hell is wrong with you?! That is not cool, Butters! That is not cool! [looks away for a few moments, but...] You don't fucking do that! You don't shoot a guy in the dick!\nButters: [finally speaks up] Well okay, I'm sorry!\nCartman: ...It's not okay! Defeating the Chinese won't mean anything if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! [walks away] God damn it!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Stormy and the five boys are inside\nStormy: It's all right there in front of you, Detective. Five sworn statements from these... brave boys. It's now up to you.\nDet. Yates: Are you nuts?! I'm not going out and arresting Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!\nStan: But they raped Indiana Jones!\nKyle: I know it's hard to think about, but you have to be strong. Remember how that movie made you feel.\nDet. Yates: I didn't see it. [the boys stay silent]\nJimmy: ...You didn't see the new Indiana Jones movie?\nDet. Yates: No! I don't think anybody here saw it. Did you, Mitch? [Mitch is at the window looking outside through the glass] Mitch? Mitch? [close-up on Mitch, who begins to remember... Indiana is walking through some Southern woods when he encounters two men, one with a rifle, one with a knife.]\nSpielberg: [holding the knife] Well well, Indiana Jones. What you doin' in our neck of the woods? [menacing] Now let's see you just drop them pants!\nIndy: Drop?\nSpielberg: Just take 'em right off.\nIndy: Uh what do you guys want?\nLucas: Don't say anything, just do it. And pull off that little ol' biddy. The shirt there, too. [Indy takes off his clothes]\nSpielberg: Them panties. Take 'em off. [Indy reluctantly removes his briefs. Spielberg turns and throws his knife into a nearby tree and goes after Indy. Indy turns and runs, but Spielberg chases him down and tackles him.] There, boy! I bet you can squeal! I bet you can squeal like a pig! [twists Indy's left ear lobe] Come on, squeal. Squeal now. Squ-squeal! [Indy tries each time, but can't do it] Weeee! Squeal.\nIndy: We-eee!\nSpielberg: Squeal louder. Weeee!\nIndy: [at the same time] Weee!\nSpielberg: Louder louder! Weeee!\nIndy: [at the same time] Weee!\nSpielberg: Louder! Get down there boy! [has Indy on his knees and mounts him. Lucas cackles softly] Get them britches down.\nIndy: No...\nSpielberg: Yes, sir! Come on, squeal! Weeeeee!\nIndy: [squeezes his eyes shut] Weee!\nSpielberg: Weeeeee! [Lucas grunts excitedly] Weeee!\nIndy: Hawwww! Hawwww! [Mitch's recollection end and he's crying. Kyle walks up to him and consoles him]\nKyle: It's okay. You don't have to feel alone anymore. [Mitch begins to bawl and that sends the boys to crying]\nScene Description: P.F. Chang's, day. The police have fallen back to their original positions\nScene Description: P.F. Chang's, inside. Cartman is pacing the floor talking to someone on a mobile phone. No one is near him\nCartman: No no! You listen to me! I have Chinese attackers here! And Chinese supporters! If I go outside, there are more Chinese ready to take me down! Defending America is all that matters, Mr. President! And I will stop at nothing! You understand that I [POP. Cartman looks around, then drops the phone and runs to the source of the pop. Butters has fired the gun again. Cartman runs up to him] What happened?!\nButters: They uh tr-tried to come in through the roof! They were gonna take the gun.\nCartman: Good! Did you kill him? [grins in hope]\nButters: Uh, not exactly.\nSWAT Officer: [his hands over his bloodied crotch] Ow. Oh, it stings. Ohhhh. [Cartman's eyelids drop halfway and he looks at Butters. Butters looks back and Cartman glances away]\nButters: Well it's not where I aimed, honest.\nCartman: Dude...\nButters: I seriously didn't mean it.\nCartman: Dude! [Butters looks to his right and down] You know what, Butters? You know what? Forget it. [walks off]\nButters: What? Uh where are you going, Eric?\nCartman: [near the front doors, turns around and jabs a finger at Butters] You can just deal with the Chinese invasion yourself if that's how you're gonna do it, Butters! I'm out, man.\nButters: By, by my, by myself?\nCartman: I didn't sign up for this! You take your American Liberation Front and you shove it up your ass. [walks out of the restaurant in defeat towards the waiting officers] That's it. Kill me. Do whatever. I can no longer conscionably be a part of the American Liberation Front.\nCaptain: Go inside! Move! [the officers rush the restaurant]\nScene Description: A camera pans from the sky down towards a mansion. Deputies drive up in their cruisers and run to the front door. One of them pounds on the front door\nDeputy 1: George Lucas and Steven Spielberg! We have a warrant for your arrest! [there's no response. He looks at another deputy] Break it in! [the second deputy kicks the doors in and leads the other deputies inside. They search the mansion until they reach the library, where they enter and suddenly stop. They all gasp.]\nDeputy 2: My God. [Lucas is raping a man dressed as a Stormtrooper]\nSpielberg: Heey, what, what the hell are you doin' here?! [Lucas stops. Moments later, Spielberg and Lucas are led out of the mansion.] You've got nothin' on us! Seven hundred million box office!\nLucas: Hm this is bullshit!\nStormtrooper: [runs away like a chicken] Weeee! Weeee!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. The boys await any updates about the arrest of Spielberg and Lucas. Yates and Mitch enter the waiting room\nDet. Yates: Boys, we got 'em.\nKyle: What?\nDet. Yates: [puts his hands on his hips] Spielberg and Lucas, they were... raping a Stormtrooper when the police broke in.\nMitch: And they found the dead raped bodies of Yoda and Short Round in their closet. [crosses his arms] They'll never be free to do this again. [the boys gather around the officers]\nStan: So, what now?\nJimmy: Do you think things can ever go back to n-n-n, n-no, normal after this?\nClyde: What do we do?\nKyle: We live. That's what Indy would have wanted. We just try... to live.\nScene Description: P.F. Chang's, day. The diners are all out of the restaurant. Cartman and Butters are in the middle of the street. The police still have their weapons aimed at them\nCaptain: Everyone just stay where you are until we can sort this all out.\nFather: There's nothing to sort out! These kids need to be put in jail!\nCaptain: We're going to search everyone and get statements! And the-\nOfficer 1: Sir! Sir, it's over. They got 'em.\nCaptain: Got who?\nOfficer 1: Spielberg and Lucas, they... finally got them for what they did to Indiana Jones, sir. [the captain lowers his gone and suddenly hugs the officer gratefully]\nCaptain: [softly] Hohhh, they got them.\nOfficer 2: They got 'em. It's over.\nOfficer 3: It's over. [they hug each other]\nFather: That means... they'll never be free to rape again.\nWaiter: It's over its over. [everyone weeps in relief and cry out \"They got 'em.\" Most of them hug each other]\nOfficer 4: I love you.\nOfficer 5: I love you too. [Cartman, with a cock of his head to the right, motions to Butters to move, and they walk away. As they walk, Cartman begins discarding his costume]\nButters: So wait. That's it? What about the Chinese invasion?\nCartman: I really don't care anymore, Butters. You see, I've learned something today. As Americans our fear of seeing another country become powerful can turn us into monsters. Watching how crazy you went. Watching you just... shoot people in the dick like that. It made me realize that I want America to be safe, but not at the cost of losing its dignity. I'd rather us be... Chinese... than a nation of unethical dickshooters. [turns aside] You think about it. [turns and walks away.]\nButters: [just stands there for a while] ...Can't believe they put 'em in jail. And I thought that movie was pretty good. [walks off in a different direction]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in class waiting for the bell to ring. Mr. Garrison enters with some books.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's all take our seats. [the kids take their seats as Mr. Garrison approaches his desk and puts the books away] Before we get started today, Wendy Testaburger has asked to share something with the class. Wendy? [Clyde, Kyle, and Bradley take their seats and Wendy walks up to the front of the class. She turns to face the class and looks over at Mr. Garrison]\nWendy: [clears her throat] Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [reads from her notes] Fellow students, October is Awareness Month for one of the leading causes of death among women. A terrible disease that takes the lives of American women every day. I'm talking, of course, about breast cancer. [Cartman tries to contain his laughter, but it comes out anyway. Wendy is mad, but resumes her report.] An estimated one in six women will deal with cancer in their lifetime, and breast cancer is the most common- [Cartman again tries to contain his laughter]\nCartman: She said it again. [laughs]\nWendy: Is there a problem?! Because breast cancer isn't funny! Breast cancer is killing people!\nCartman: [enjoying his distraction] Mr. Garrison, do we really need all this potty talk in the classroom?\nMr. Garrison: [lowers his head and rubs his right temple] Eric, for the love of Jesus...\nWendy: This is a serious issue, Eric! What you're doing is very offensive!\nCartman: Me? You're the one talking about killer titties. [Clyde contains a giggle] Watch out, guys. Wendy said boobs can kill people. [holds his hands out as if grabbing at people] Grrr. Gonna get you. Gonna get you, Wendy!\nButters: I don't wanna get killed by boobs.\nWendy: Will somebody do something? Every week he gets worse and nobody does anything!\nMr. Garrison: [flatly] Eric, stop being offensive.\nCartman: I'm just trying to engage Wendy in a constructive dialogue about breast cancer awareness, Mr. Garrison.\nWendy: [irritated] No, you aren't!\nCartman: Wendy, you need to calm down. You're gonna get your boobs all angry and they're gonna start killing everyone. [the other boys laugh. He joins them] Dude, I'm on fire today!\nScene Description: The school hallway, later. Wendy puts up a Breast Cancer Awareness poster up next to the drinking fountain. Other kids walk here and there, and Cartman appears\nCartman: Look out, everyone. There's some killer titties on the loose. [points to the ceiling] Could've swore I heard them coming through the roof. [Wendy turns and glares at him. Cartman talks into an imaginary walkie talkie] \"Pssht! Officer! We need to get an APB out on those titties! They're armed and dangerous!\" [Wendy suddenly gets in Cartman's face]\nWendy: What is your problem? Breast cancer isn't funny.\nCartman: Not at all. [cups his hands again as if they're killer titties] \"Wendy, we're gonna get you, Wendy. We're your boobs, we're gonna kill you!\"\nWendy: [points to him] You'd better shut up [lowers her right arm] or I'll make you shut up!\nCartman: Oho, really? What are you gonna do about it, Wendy?\nWendy: I'm gonna kick your ass! That's what I'm gonna do!\nCartman: Haha, you're gonna kick my ass?\nWendy: That's right, I'm gonna kick your ass!\nCartman: [begins to act like a gangbanger] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll throw down.\nWendy: You think you're tough?\nCartman: [takes what looks like a gang pose] Whassup? [takes another one] Whassup?\nWendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!\nCartman: Standing right here, let's go, bitch.\nWendy: After school! We fight after school! You got that?!\nCartman: You're gonna fight me after school?\nWendy: That's right!\nCartman: You're a chick, dude.\nWendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside, you got that?! And you better be there.\nCartman: [poses again] Oh, it's on, bitch!\nWendy: You're gonna [jabs at the floor for emphasis] fucking die! [turns and walks away. Cartman strikes a few more poses]\nButters: Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school! Hey, everybody! [goes forth to spread the news. He walks by Stan, Kyle, and Bebe] Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school!\nStan: What?\nBebe: Wow. [goes forth to spread the news among the girls. She walks into the girls' bathroom and announces] Wendy and Cartman are gonna fight after school!\nGirls: [separately] Really? Wow.\nScene Description: The kindergarten room. Kindergartners are playing with toys when Ike walks in\nIke: [faltering a bit] Wendy and Cartman are fighting after school. [the other kindergartners jump for joy]\nKindergartners: Yaaay!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, behind the cafeteria. The Goth kids are idling around. Henrietta is reading from her book\nRed: [opens the door and says] Hey, emo kids, Cartman and Wendy are gonna fight after school. [goes back inside and closes the door]\nPete: [flips his hair out of his eyes] Did she just call us emos?\nScene Description: The cafeteria. Most of the kids are eating lunch. At the center table are eight boys: Kenny, Clyde, Cartman, Butters, Jimmy, Token, Craig, and Jason\nButters: Jeez, I can't believe Wendy's gonna fight you after school.\nToken: She is pissed off.\nCartman: She is not gonna show up to a fight, dawg. I'm sure she's already trying to figure a way to get out of it.\nClyde: [taps Cartman twice on the right arm] Hey, check it out. She's totally staring you down. [Cartman leans to the right a bit to get a better view. Craig, Token, and Jimmy look back at the table behind them. Wendy stares back. There are six other girls at her table: Bebe to her right, Lola and Heidi to her left, Esther opposite Bebe, Anne opposite Lola, and Millie opposite Heidi. There's no one seated opposite Wendy, so she has a clear view. Bebe leans over and whispers something to her. Cartman smiles, but the smile turns into worry] She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude. You don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything.\nCartman: Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson. I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass. [Cartman looks at Wendy again, and Wendy stares back. She makes a fist with her right hand and punches the open palm of her left hand.]\nJimmy: Can't go too easy on her though. God forbid she actually gets in a good good punch and... beats ya.\nButters: Yeah, heh. [grabs his milk carton] If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot. [takes a sip of milk through a straw and sets the carton down. Cartman begins to panic, looks around, and looks again at Wendy. Her face becomes the only thing he sees]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, after lunch. In the hallway, Wendy puts away her books. Cartman finds her and walks up to her\nCartman: Wendy, could I talk to you for a second?\nWendy: What?!\nCartman: [almost whispering] Wendy, I want to apologize, and, um, tell you that-\nWendy: What?\nCartman: [takes her aside and whispers] I want to apologize, and tell you that... I'm sorry for what I said. Okay? It was wrong of me, and I promise you that it won't happen again. I don't wanna fight you after school, all right? So, I'm sorry.\nWendy: If you're really sorry, you can say it in front of everyone!\nCartman: [takes her aside further and whispers] Actually, I was thinking... let's just keep this between us. I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer, and I'm very remorsefulness.\nWendy: No! If you're really sorry, and you wanna apologize to me, then do it in front of everyone.\nCartman: [seeing the unwanted attention] Pfft, apologize?! [begins to strike poses] That's not what I said, you dumb bitch. Heheh, heheh.\nWendy: Yes, you did! You just stood there and said you apologize and you don't want to fight!\nCartman: Oh, Wendy, such a desperate attempt to get out of it. These students are a little too smart to see you're just making excuses not to fight me.\nWendy: I don't want an excuse! I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you!\nCartman: [trying to put up a front] Ohhh, ahhhh... That's funny. You're gonna die, you lesbo. [Wendy goes back to her locker, the other kids go their separate ways. Wendy shuts her locker door and Cartman races up to her again. He whispers] Wendy, seriously though, I do want to apologize. I'm really sorry and I don't think we should fight.\nWendy: Get away from me! [walks away]\nScene Description: Another part of the hallway. The Goth kids are walking along and notice Stan at his locker. They approach him\nMichael: So, everyone's saying there's gonna be a fight between Eric Cartman and your girlfriend.\nStan: I guess so.\nPete: And you're gonna... just let that guy... beat up on your woman? Doesn't that, like, go against your jockey man code or something? [flips his hair]\nMichael: Yeah, I don't ever remember AC/DC singing about letting dudes beat up on their girlfriends.\nStan: What am I supposed to do about it? [Craig and Jimmy walk up to him]\nCraig: Don't worry, Stan, I don't think the fight's even gonna happen. Cartman said that Wendy's already begging him to call it off.\nJimmy: I'll bet she is!\nButters: [walks into view] Ah, I hope not! I wanna see Eric kick the crap out of her! [performs some punching moves]\nScene Description: Another part of the hallway. Wendy's walking along when a door opens to her left\nCartman: [peers out from the doorway] Wendy. Wendy, psst.\nWendy: What?!\nCartman: Psst real, real quick. Just psst, real quick. [Wendy goes into the room Cartman was hiding in, which is a storage room. Once inside, she looks around, taking it all in.] Wendy, you're not gonna believe this. [She turns and glares at him] I just found out my mom has breast cancer. [she glares harder] Man, I sure got what was coming to me! I was a real jerk, and now they're gonna cut off my mom's boobs.\nWendy: You really think that's gonna work on me?!\nCartman: Wendy, [pulls out a letter-sized envelope] I have here twenty-seven dollars in cash. If you just call off the fight, then I-\nWendy: You can't bribe your way out of this!\nCartman: [puts his left hand up to hold her back] Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy.\nWendy: No, you don't.\nCartman: [thinks for a moment] My mom has muscular dystrophy. In her boobs.\nWendy: You don't get it, asshole! [shoves him back a bit] There is nothing you can do to stop this fight! I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone! I am going to shove your ass down your throat and make you eat your underwear!\nCartman: Eat my underwear?\nWendy: That's right.\nCartman: [walks a few steps away] Okay. Okay, Wendy, I will eat my underwear. Right here, right now.\nWendy: Jesus Christ, do you have no sense of self-respect?!\nCartman: No. U-unless you want me to. You want me to have self-respect, then I will.\nWendy: You fucking suck so hard!\nCartman: I'll eat my underwear, Wendy. [unzips his pants.] And then you'll be satisfied. We can put this whole thing behind us.\nWendy: What are you doing?! [Cartman takes off his underwear]\nCartman: I'm committed to peace, Wendy. [begins to swallow his underwear] I want you to see just how humbled I am... [gags]\nWendy: Ew! [looks away]\nCartman: [rather muffled] Euugh. Wendy? Look at me, Wendy. [tries one last swallow and succeeds] There. Yeahm.\nWendy: Oh my God!\nCartman: So... [turns to face her] are we cool?\nWendy: No!\nCartamn: I ate my underwear! [advances. Wendy backs up] What the hell do you want from me?! [advances again. Wendy backs up, then runs around Cartman towards the door. He can't turn fast enough to match her] Weh-\nWendy: [opens the door] You are so pathetic!\nCartman: [throws himself at her mercy] Wendy it isn't fair! [she runs out of there quickly] I ate my underwear for you! Nooo! [Craig walks by and stops to look in] Yo, what's up dawg?\nScene Description: The boys' bathroom. Stan enters. Cartman rushes in behind him\nCartman: Stan, Stan! Dude, we need to talk.\nStan: What?\nCartman: You know, Wendy and I are supposed to fight in like three hours.\nStan: Yeah?\nCartman: Dude, aren't you worried? Wendy's a girl. She could end up getting really hurt, Stan. You're my bro and she's your bitch. I don't wanna hurt my bro's bitch.\nStan: I can't do anything; she really wants to fight you. [moves towards the stalls, but Cartman runs up ahead of him and stops him]\nCartman: Nu-no, she doesn't. She told me she doesn't wanna fight. She's just stuck, Stan. Because she knows I'm gonna kick her ass, but she feels like if she doesn't fight me all the kids are gonna call her a chicken.\nStan: Really?\nCartman: You know what she did? She apologized and begged me not to fight her. I said \"Well, Wendy, if you're so sorry, then say it in front of everyone.\", but she wouldn't. That's how desperate she is. Man, you have to do something, Stan. You have to be a fuckin' man and forbid her from fighting, so she has a way- [his gag reflex kicks in and his underwear comes back up his throat and out of his mouth. Stan looks on a bit stunned as Cartman pulls his underwear the rest of the way out, then glances back and forth at his underwear and at Stan] Oh, that's where I put those. [puts his underwear into a back pocket] Anyway, Stan, you've got to put a stop to this fight. Wendy's stuck and she needs you.\nStan: Dude, there's nothing I can do about it.\nCartman: [runs to Stan's left, by the sinks] God, you are such a pussy, Stan! You're such a pussy! When I hurt Wendy, it's gonna be on your fucking head! [his underwear is hanging from his right hand. Cartman notices, then runs out of the bathroom. Stan looks down helplessly]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, near the end of the school day. Garrison is at the front of the class giving a lecture\nMr. Garrison: And so you see, at this point Euripides knew he could not win the battle. [Cartman glances at the clock on the wall: 2:58 p.m. His fingers drum the desk softly as he looks ahead blankly remembering Wendy's words: \"I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone!\" Then Butters': \"If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot.\"] All right kids, for your homework tonight I want you all to read chapters seven... [Cartman begins to block everything out except Wendy and the wall clock: 2:58 p.m. Wendy's ready to fight.]\nBebe: Kick the shit out of him, Wendy!\nJimmy: As soon as the bell rings, we've gotta get out there and find a good place to watch the fi-fufu-fight. [As the wall clock draws towards 3 p.m. Cartman thinks \"There's no way out. She's gonna kick my ass in front of everyone.\"]\nButters: Almost time. [smiles]\nMr. Garrison: And be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning.\nClyde: I totally can't see the fight, dude. I have detention after school.\nCartman: [a revelation] Detention! That's it! [begins to fidget: \"I've gotta get detention, fast!\" The minute hand hits 0 and Cartman runs out of his seat towards the front of the class. He gets on Mr. Garrison's desk, shoves the Homework Assignments holder off the desk, lowers his pants, and leaves a nice brown gift on the desk. Mr. Garrison looks at him. The class is stunned as Cartman looks back at Mr. Garrison]\nMr. Garrison: Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk?\nCartman: [strikes some gang poses] Whassup? Whassup? Crapped on your desk, dawg. What's up with that? [Wendy's especially shocked. No one says a word until...]\nButters: [cocks his head to his right] Huh.\nScene Description: The school library. Five kids are in detention there, and Mr. Mackey is looking after them\nMr. Mackey: Welcome to detention, m'kay? You are here until your parents come and pick you up. Use your time to study. [walks away]\nCartman: [puts his feet up on the table and his hands behind his head, certain he's gotten out of the fight with Wendy] Ahhh, sweet.\nButters: [a door opens and his voice is heard] Eric. Hey Eric. [the camera shows Butters motioning Cartman over. Craig and Jimmy are behind him. Cartman looks over at them, then leaves his seat and walks to the door] Eric, wha-what's goin' on? Everyone is startin' to say you got detention on purpose to get out of fightin' Wendy.\nCartman: What?! That's ridiculous!\nButters: But some people think you crapped on Teacher's desk, uh, to get out of the fight.\nCartman: That's not why I did it.\nCraig: Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk?\nCartman: [begins to pose] Because I'm hardcore. You know, I'm I'm antiestablishment. That's how I roll, dawgs. I do hardcore stuff like that.\nButters: That's what I said. I told everyone outside, \"Cartman ain't scared of fightin' Wendy! He'd do it if he could!\".\nCartman: Damned straight! I just got all punk rock and got detention, you know! I'm just a bad dude.\nCraig: Okay, that's good, because we moved the fight to first thing in the morning tomorrow.\nJimmy: Before school starts. Everyone's gonna get there early.\nCartman: [shocked] Huh?\nButters: That way it won't matter if you get detention.\nMr. Mackey: [finds him] Eric, get your buns back over here, m'kay?!\nJimmy: Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts. See you in the morning, ch-ch-ch-champ! [they walk away and the doors close. Cartman stands there for a moment, then returns to his seat. There's a rapping at the window and Cartman looks over]\nWendy: [outside] Tomorrow morning! You fucking die tomorrow morning! [walks away. Cartman is truly scared]\nScene Description: Wendy's room, night. She's doing math homework\nMrs. Testaburger: Wendy?\nWendy: Yeah?\nMrs. Testaburger: We need to talk to you, right now. [Wendy leaves her chair and her room, and goes downstairs. Her parents are waiting for her, quite displeased and upset as they confront their daughter] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?\nWendy: What? No!\nMrs. Testaburger: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us? [Wendy looks and sees Cartman and Liane seated on the sofa. Cartman is sobbing quietly]\nMr. Testaburger: Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?\nWendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.\nCartman: [whining] The, the thing is, I totally said I was sorry, but she still wants to beat me up. [cries into Liane's sweater. She soothes him]\nMrs. Testaburger: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?\nCartman: The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but I want to be your friend because I don't have that many friends at schooooooooooool. [cries into Liane's sweater. She soothes him again]\nMrs. Testaburger: Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him.\nWendy: Mom, you don't-\nMrs. Testaburger: Now, young lady!\nWendy: I'm not going to hurt you.\nMr. Testaburger: If there is any word of you fighting at school it is over for you, missy! Do you understand?!\nWendy: Yes, sir.\nMrs. Testaburger: We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman.\nLiane: Oh no, thank you so much for your time. [Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks both middle fingers up at her. Wendy blushes with fury, but can't do anything now]\nMr. Testaburger: It really won't happen again.\nLiane: You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin. [stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door]\nCartman: Okay, Mommy. Mama, Mama.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, before school. The fourth graders are all there, with Cartman front and center. Craig and Butters stand by his side as he faces the road\nButters: Man it's almost time for school to start an' Wendy still isn't here.\nCartman: Yeah, I don't know what's going on. I mean, I showed up.\nBebe: Where is she? How come Wendy's not showing up for the fight?\nAn Older Girl: Here she comes! [everyone looks to their right and see Wendy approaching.]\nCartman: [begins to strike poses as Wendy walks by] What's up, Wendy? I thought we were meeting early to fight.\nWendy: [stops and looks at him] You know I can't fight you!\nCartman: Why not? You chicken? [begins to strut and cluck like a chicken]\nWendy: I can't fight you because you came crying to my house last night with your mom!\nCartman: Pfffft. Aw, that's a doozie, Wendy! You come up with that one on your own?!\nButters: Hehehe yeah, did you come up with that one on your own?!\nCartman: I ain't frontin' dawg! Let's do this! Let's do it right now, yo.\nBebe: Come on, Wendy, kick his ass!\nWendy: I can't! [the school bell rings and she walks towards the building] God damn it!\nButters: She chickened out!\nOther students: Aw, man. [they follow her into the building and towards class]\nCartman: Told you guys.\nStan: Ugh, I'm glad that's over with.\nPete: [walking by with the other Goths] Yeah, I guess you've dodged a bullet, Galahad.\nJimmy: I always knew deep down that Wendy didn't have any ba-ba-balls.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, morning. Clyde is presenting his report before the class\nClyde: And so, we must all recycle. Every day. Recycling is important, and it will save our planet, Earth. The End. [the class applauds politely as he takes his seat. Wendy has her face buried in her arms]\nMr. Garrison: Very nice, Clyde. Okay, we have time for one more report before recess. Who'd like to go? [Cartman smiles and silently raises his hand] Okay Eric. [Cartman happily gets out of his seat and goes to face the class]\nCartman: [clears his throat] Thank you. My report today is on breast cancer awareness. [Wendy lifts her head up in surprise] I do not believe enough is being done, and, like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [stifles a laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [stifles a laugh again]\nWendy: [softly] You unbelievable bastard. You beat me but you won't stop.\nCartman: What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?\nMr. Garrison: Okay, Eric, that's enough, you smartass!\nWendy: Why?! [leaves her seat and walks up to Cartman] Why are you doing this to me?! [grabs him by the collar and shakes him] Why won't you just stop?!\nCartman: [cautioning] Wendy, Wendy.\nPrincipal Victoria: [through the school's PA system] Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office please? Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office.\nWendy: God! [Cartman cackles as she leaves]\nScene Description: The Principal's office, moments later. Wendy stands before Principal Victoria\nPrincipal Victoria: Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman.\nWendy: No, ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh no? Are you sure?\nWendy: Yes, ma'am.\nPrincipal Victoria: I see. [gets up and walks to the window and looks out] I've noticed all the things you've done for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?\nWendy: Ma'am?\nPrincipal Victoria: I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is... pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be... destroyed. [Faces Wendy] When there is a cancer, you have to \"fight\" it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you.\nWendy: [thinks a moment] My... parents said that if I fight-\nPrincipal Victoria: And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you. [turns back to the window] You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will [turns back to Wendy] take everything. Do you understand?\nWendy: [the look of determination appears on her face and she makes her hands into fists] Yes, ma'am!\nPrincipal Victoria: When you have cancer you fight, because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not. You refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless!\nScene Description: The hallway. Bebe bursts through some doors and walks down the hall\nBebe: She's gonna fight! Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now!\nMillie: What? [the other kids in the hall turn and everyone heads outside. Other classes hear about this and clear out, chattering all the while. Wendy leads the pack towards the playground. While still in the building she takes off her jacket and throws it aside. On her blouse is a purple prancing unicorn connected to some orange stars by a yellow rainbow]\nScene Description: The playground. Cartman and the other boys toss the football at each other.\nCartman: Go deep, Craig. [throws the football at Craig, who is off-screen] Not that deep, retard!\nButters: [runs up to Cartman smiling] She's coming! She's coming!\nCartman: Butters, get out of here!\nButters: But Wendy's coming to fight you.\nCartman: [in disbelief] ...Huh? [Butters turns left and looks at the building, smiling. Cartman looks to his right. The side doors fly open and Wendy walks down the steps spoiling for a fight. The students cheer her on as she turns left and heads for the playground. Some girls trail behind her, Bebe being the first among them.]\nClyde: Oh boy here we go!\nButters: All right! [other kids chatter around them. The Goth kids find some good spots along the brick wall. Red Goth and Kindergoth sit atop the wall, Tall Goth and Henrietta remain on the ground next to it]\nPete: It's about freaking time. [Wendy walks up to Cartman and they face off]\nCraig: All right, let's DO IT!\nCartman: [wavering] What- what's up? [begins posing] What what's up? [draws close to her and cautions in a whisper] Wendy, don't forget: I'll tell my mom on you.\nWendy: I don't care! [Cartman looks around. Butters gleefully dances in place waiting for the fight to start]\nCartman: Um, recess is almost over, I don't I don't know if there's really time.\nA Girl: Shut up and fight! [everyone else joins in the demand. Wendy ties her hair up in a small bun behind her head]\nCartman: Alright, fine Wendy! I'll fight you, you big bully! [takes off his jacket and tosses it aside]\nScene Description: The fighters dance around each other until Wendy lands a right cross. Cartman spins around and falls on his back. Wendy dances around and Cartman stands up, pulling up his pants in the process. Wendy lands two left jabs on Cartman's face, and Cartman finally responds with a right punch. It's strong enough to make Wendy stagger backwards\nKids: Ohhhhh!\nScene Description: Cartman lands another punch on Wendy's face, then continues with a series of alternating punches, forcing Wendy backwards and into the crowd. Cartman lands a punch strong enough to send Wendy into the jungle gym, then continues punching her there. Wendy eventually catches one of his punches and outmuscles him, throwing Cartman into the jungle gym, then driving his face into one of the bars at least twice, and Cartman begins to bleed. The crowd is loving it, cheering her on. Wendy now delivers a long series of alternating punches, forcing Cartman back across the playground and into a hobby elephant. Cartman puts his arms up to deflect the punches, but it's ineffective.\nButters: Fuck him up, Wendy!\nScene Description: Cartman finally tosses Wendy off him and throws a punch at her, but she punches faster, making him miss. She then punches him on the right temple, and Cartman wobbles a bit. As he recovers, Wendy delivers the finishing blow: a fierce right cross that turns Cartman's head around and sends his body flying. The scene is frozen in time and the various reactions are shown: Stan, Kyle, Tweek, and Jimmy are cheering Wendy on. Jimmy has his right crutch up in the air, cheering. Butters is swooning while the boys around him just watch the fight. Time speeds up and Cartman falls to the ground, losing a tooth. Wendy kicks him a few times for good measure. She runs out of strength, staggers backwards, and drops down on her ass, exhausted.\nMr. Mackey: [just arriving] Wendy?\nWendy: [pants and looks back at Mr. Mackey] I'm finished! [gets up and walks away. The girls look at her with astonishment]\nMr. Mackey: Eh, somebod - somebody call the principal! [Cartman gets up, sniffling. Some of the kids begin to leave. Cartman looks around]\nCartman: [demoralized] You don't have to say anything. I know how it is. I'm no longer the cool kid. Now you all think I'm a fahahahahahag. [begins to wail] My school life is over 'cause now all the guys don't think I'm coooohoohoohoohoohooooool. [wails some more]\nStan: Dude, we never thought you were cool.\nCartman: That's not true! You're just saying that!\nKyle: No, really. We've always thought you suck.\nJimmy: Yeah, nothing's changed. Our opinion of you can't possible go any lower.\nCartman: You're all just saying that to make me feel better.\nCraig: No, it's true. We've always hated you.\nButters: Well, yeah.\nCartman: Don't try and make me feel better, you guys, it isn't... Wait, wait a minute. Why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? Unless... unless you do think I'm cool. [the guys look at each other, sure that Cartman misunderstood them]\nCraig: [confused] What?\nCartman: [seeing a positive side to this somehow] If you're all trying to make me feel better, then you must still like me. Oh, oh phew! Oh, you had me so worried about what you guys were gonna think of me getting beat up by a girl and... it turns out you think I'm cool no matter what. Oh, oh, oh God, what a relief! [jumps up and clicks his feet up in the air] Oh, yay! [jumps up again]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The boys wait for Kenny, who is coming out of Walstien's with his purchase. Once he arrives, the boys move out into the open mall area and turn left.\nKyle: I don't get it, Kenny: why do you buy razors and shaving cream?\nKenny: ('Cause, dude, i'm gonna shave my balls.)\nCartman: Shave your balls? Why would you shave your balls?\nKenny: (Because girls like shaved balls.)\nKyle: Girls like shaved balls?\nKenny: (Yes, they do.)\nCartman: What girl is gonna see your balls?\nKenny: (I don't know.) [Something grabs Stan's attention and he stops and looks to his right.]\nStan: [pissed off] Oh Jesus, there's another one! [the other boys stop and look. A Peruvian pan flute band plays and draws a small crowd] Another pan flute band! Have you guys noticed there's bands like this everywhere you go lately? [the band has a bombo drummer, a siku player, and two charango players]\nCartman: Yeah I saw like three of those bands down in Denver yesterday. All their crappy music sounds the same.\nStan: I'm so sick of hearing this music everywhere I go!\nKyle: I think Kenny likes it. [Kenny's groovin' to the music]\nStan: [turns left and leaves] I gotta get home for dinner.\nCartman: [follows] Yeah, me too. [Kyle follows Cartman and Kenny keeps dancing.]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, exterior. The boys exit the mall. Kenny catches up to them. The camera pulls back to reveal another band.\nStan: [pumping his fists] God!\nCartman: Shut up already!\nStan: I'm outta here; see ya guys. [leaves. Kyle and Cartman follow and Kenny dances again]\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. He walks in through the front door and to the sofa, where he finds Shelly watching TV.\nTV: Tonight, the Travel Channel takes you to London! [the London skyline is shown. A British flag floats across the screen] London has something for everyone! Sights! [a pillar topped by a statue] Theater, and wonderful street performers! [the picture pans down to reveal a pan flute band playing to the crowd]\nStan: They're in London too?\nSharon: Hey, time for dinner guys. [Shelly turns off the TV and joins Stan to the dining room]\nScene Description: The dining room. Sharon arrives with a bowl of fruit as Stan and Shelly take their seats on either side of the table. Sharon has already set their meals on the table. Today's meal? Potatoes au gratin.\nSharon: All right kids, dig in.\nStan: Where's dad?\nSharon: [irritated] He's upstairs videotaping your grandfather in the bathtub.\nStan: Why?\nSharon: Because ever since your father got that stupid video camera he thinks he has to film everything the family does.\nRandy: [arrives and starts shooting] All right, here we are. Marsh family gathered for another dinner. [moves around to Stan's side of the table, shooting video all the while]\nSharon: Randy, we have plenty of video of us eating dinner.\nRandy: [points the camera at Shelly] There's Shelly. You excited about eating dinner Shelly?\nShelly: Turn it off, Dad!\nRandy: [swoops around to Shelly's side to get a better shot] Oh look! Stan's eating a tater-tot! Wave to the camera, Stan. [takes a quick look at the screen attached to the camera, to adjust the aim. A second later and pan flute music is heard. Stan looks around and locates the source. He walks to a front window and sees a pan flute band playing across the street. In front of them is a briefcase full of CDs]\nStan: Oh Jesus Christ! [Randy walks up behind him with the camera]\nRandy: Ohhh neato, it's one of those Peruvian pan flute bands. Stan, go out and stand with them. I can get a shot. [Stan just glances at him]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, next day. Kenny and Cartman are with him playing Candyland on the living room floor.\nCartman: I will play this card to move Kyle back seven spaces... [moves Kyle's piece back seven spaces and softly says] ...screw you Kyle. [normal voice] Aaand all right, your turn, Kenny. [tosses the dice to him]\nStan: You guys! You guys, check this out: I saw another Peruvian flute band outside my house last night.\nCartman: So?\nStan: So? So I just sat there and watched them for a while and, guess how much money they made selling their crappy CDs?\nCartman: How much?\nStan: Over two hundred bucks.\nKyle: Two hundred dollars?\nCartman: Really? Are you sure?\nStan: Yeah dude, I'm- I'm starting to realize that it's like the easiest job in the world. You know, I mean, we could do that! [the other boys stay quiet]\nKyle: ...Become a Peruvian flute band?\nStan: Yeah, why not? We get some instruments and some costumes and then... make some crappy pan flute music CDs on my computer.\nCartman: [stands up] Oh my god. We're gonna make so much fucking money you guys.\nStan: Yeah!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nKyle: But where are we gonna get the money to buy costumes and and the instruments? [the boys give it some thought]\nScene Description: Craig's house, moments later. The four boys are at the front door ringing the doorbell. The door opens and Craig appears.\nCartman: Craig, dude, how're you doing, bro?\nCraig: ...Fine.\nCartman: Cool, awesome. Um, Craig, remember how you were tellin' us how your grandma gave you a hundred bucks for your birthday?\nCraig: ...Yeah.\nStan: Craig, how would you like to turn that hundred dollars into a thousand dollars? [Craig stays quiet, so Cartman prevails upon him and enters his house]\nScene Description: Craig's living room.\nCartman: Come on in, Craig. Have a seat. Welcome.\nCraig: What do you guys want?\nKyle: [enters with Stan and Kenny] Craig, we have chosen you to join our Peruvian flute band!\nCartman: [applauds] All right Craig! [pats him on the back]\nCraig: You mean like those guys you see at all the tourist spots?\nStan: There's a reason they're everywhere, Craig: because they make bank! We just need your money to buy instruments and make some CDs.\nCartman: And we'll double your money in one afternoon, Craig.\nCraig: [assessing the situation] You guys never hang out with me. You never invite me to do stuff. But now you want me to be in a band with you because my grandma gave me a hundred dollars.\nCartman: Craig, don't be an asshole.\nCraig: [turns right and walks past Cartman] I'll go get the money. [the boys grin. Stan and Kenny high-five each other.]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day, by the fountain. The five boys now gather in their costumes with their instruments. Cartman plays the siku, Stan and Kyle play charangos, Kenny plays on a home-made bombo while Craig has a new stringed instrument.\nStan: All right guys, just like we rehearsed it. You ready Craig? All right, let's jam!\nCartman: And a one, and a two, and a- [the boys launch into their rendition of \"Mary Had A Little Lamb\"]\nMan 1: Wow, that's such cultural music.\nMan 2: Very cultural, yes.\nCartman: [as the men leave] Por favor, buy our CDs de musica. [in their briefcase are $10 CDs from their band, the Llama Brothers, \"Tapas and Moonscapes\". Man 1 whips out a fresh $10 bill and buys a CD]\nKyle: Gracias.\nWoman 1: [walks by and stops to check out the CDs] How cultural. [buys one for herself]\nKyle: This is awesome!\nStan: Ya see, Craig? [another band starts up nearby and Stan steps forward for a better look. The boys look to their right]\nCartman: Hey! Heyheyheyheyhey! [leads the other boys to the competing band]\nStan: Hey, you guys can't play here. We were here first. [the other band ignores them and continues playing]\nCartman: No trabajar aqui! Vaya! No pleya la musica en la promenade! No es bueno!\nStan: This is our Peruvian flute band's turf, you got that?! [the other band looks at them for a few seconds, then resumes its music, its members grinning.]\nKyle: God damn it!\nCartman: No! No es bueno! [grabs the siku and throws it away. The band stops playing. The siku player looks at his empty hands and goes after the siku]\nStan: Come on, guys. [the boys return to their spot and start playing again, but another band begins to play off to their left]\nStan: Jesus Christ!\nCartman: No, no es bueno! No trabajar aqui!\nScene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security.\nMichael Chertoff: Ladies and gentlemen, our nation and our world is facing an economic and ecological crisis of disastrous proportions. I'm talking of course about Peruvian flute bands. [the audience members begin to talk amongst themselves. Chertoff activates the screen behind him, and a world map appears onscreen.] The red dots indicate where the highest concentrations of Peruvian flute bands are. All over the world, wherever there are tourists or shoppers, there are now, on average, 65 Peruvian flute bands per square kilometer. General?\nChief aide: [walks into view before the screen] France, Japan, and the northeastern United States are currently the hardest hit. Make no mistake: [sticks an index finger up] this is a pan flute epidemic.\nSenator 1: A pan-demic?\nMichael Chertoff: Three countries in Asia and seven in Europe have already asked for our help in getting rid of their Peruvian flute bands. We will need every resource available to see this through.\nSenator 2: Excuse me, but... aid other countries?\nMichael Chertoff: Senator?\nSenator 2: With all due respect we need to be dealing with our own pan flute bands! Let other countries fend for themselves!\nMichael Chertoff: [starting soft and with rising voice, he leaves the podium and faces the senator] You heartless bastard! This country was founded on beliefs in freedom and integrity! And we will not sit back and do nothing while less fortunate countries are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands! Is that clear?! [the senator collapses back into his seat and begins to cry and Chertoff returns to the podium] As director of Homeland Security, I am taking control of the military until the crisis is contained.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. The third Peruvian flute band continues to play and a woman stops by. She begins to dance. Some helicopters are heard and one appears over the crowd.\nParatrooper:: Go, go! [all kinds of law enforcement and military vehicles rush in and surround the mall. Hazmat officers pour out of a Hazmat truck. Inside, the boys now play \"Three Blind Mice\". A woman stops by and buys a CD. The boys hear some commotion and look over: military troops surround the second band and subdue it]\nCartman: Ha! [sticks his right middle finger up] Serves you right, assholes! [behind them the third band is subdued]\nSoldier 1: One more over here! [the boys are surrounded and subdued]\nSoldier 2: Let's go! Get 'em out!\nSoldier 3: Clear out, move! This is a Homeland Security operation, people, let's go!\nStan: Hey, back off!\nSolider 3: Make sure all pan flute music CDs are contained! [Hazmat officers collect the CDs slowly, gingerly]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Randy is in the living room taking more video of Sharon and Shelly while they sit on the sofa.\nRandy: There's Sharon and Shelly. They're watching some television. Wave to the camera, Shelly. [neither female responds to him] What are you watching, guys?\nSharon: [irritated] The news.\nRandy: [draws even closer to her] Huh?\nSharon: [irritated] We're watching the news.\nRandy: [turns the camera towards the TV] That's the TV in our living room, still showing commercials right now. [moves around to Shelly's side] What do you think about the television, Shelly? [Shelly remains quiet as Randy glances at the TV] Oh, the news is starting! [starts taking video of that]\nScene Description: CNN Breaking News\nAnchorman Tom: The government efforts to stop the Peruvian flute band crisis are now in their third day. [Times Square in New York is shown, with more bands being arrested] In cities all over the world [a shot of St. Louis] flute bands have been removed and quarantined. [a shot of Seattle] But more may still be out there. Homeland Security's requesting that [a graphic appears that says pretty much the following] if you see a Peruvian flute band, do not approach it. Mark down the flute band's location, and do not, under any circumstances, buy their CDs. [the reporter reappears onscreen] The flute bands that have been contained are being taken to a quarantined area in Miami\nScene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security, in Miami. More Peruvian bands join the already large crowd of bands there. The boys are among them.\nStan: Eh-excuse us. Hello? [spots a soldier in one of the watchtowers] Uh excuse me. Sir? Sir, there's been a misunderstanding. Can, can I talk to you for a minute?\nKyle: Sir? Sir, can we talk to you for just a second?\nGuard: Get back! I'm not buying any of your damned CDs!\nStan: No. Sir, there's been a biiig misunderstanding. We actually aren't a Peruvian-\nGuard: I said I'm not buying any God damned CDs today, you got that?! I'm sick of it!\nA musician: [walks into view] Señor? Comprar CD la musica? [\"Sir? Do you want to buy our music CD?\"] [\" [the soldier kills him with a few blasts from his automatic rifle]\nKenny: (Jesus Christ, he fucking shot that guy!)\nScene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, that night. The Peruvian flute bands play, and trashcans have been set ablaze to keep them warm. The camera pans to the boys, who sit around a small campfire moping around\nCraig: \"Hey, Craig. You know that money your grandma gave you for your birthday? How would you like to invest in a Peruvian flute band? You can double your money in one afternoon. Come on, Craig, don't be an asshole.\" [some alarms go off for a few seconds, then fall silent as Chertoff appears above the crowd with a blond translator to his left]\nMichael Chertoff: Attention Peruvian flute bands\nTranslator: Atencione bandas de flauta Perú.\nMichael Chertoff: We appreciate your cooperation and patience.\nTranslator: Cooperacion y peciencia es apreciado.\nMichael Chertoff: Tomorrow you will be boarding ships...\nTranslator: Mañana sera el embarque de barcos...\nMichael Chertoff: ...which will take you to Guantanamo Bay.\nTranslator: ...que la lleva a viajar Guantanimo.\nMichael Chertoff: There you will spend the rest of your lives.\nTranslator: Donde pasar el resto de sus vidas. Gracias! [they turn and head inside. The Peruvian flute bands break up behind the boys and head back to their business]\nKyle: Guantanamo Bay?! We can't go to Guantanamo Bay!\nStan: Don't worry you guys. I'm sure our parents are freaking out right now trying to find us.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Craig's parents are seated on the sofa. Kyle's parents and Sharon are standing.\nSharon: Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker, our boys were last seen hanging out with your son Craig. Do you have any idea where they could've gone?\nLaura: No, I'm telling you. This isn't like Craig at all. I'm really worried.\nThomas: You've checked with the police?\nGerald: Nobody know anything. It's li-it's like the boys just vanished!\nSharon: None of the other kids have seen them since a- [notice Randy taping them] Randy, will you put that thing down?! What is wrong with you?! Our son is missing!\nRandy: Hey, I'm worried about him too, Sharon.\nSharon: Well then stop being an idiot and help!\nThomas: Maybe the boys all ran away. Were any of your boys upset about anything?\nGerald: All we know is they were seen hanging out with Craig and now they're gone.\nSheila: That's exactly why I told Kyle not to hang around that boy.\nLaura: What is that supposed to mean?\nSharon: To be honest, Mrs. Tucker, we think Craig is bad influence on our boys.\nLaura: [quiet for a few seconds] Now wait just a minute!\nSharon: I'm just saying that your son has some problems a-\nThomas: Like every kid doesn't have some problems!\nSheila: Obviously Craig has gotten them into some kind of trouble.\nLaura: Oh my God\nThomas: This is ridiculous!\nRandy: [filming the argument] Ohhh this is good!\nGerlad: That's not ridicul-\nScene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, day. Michael Chertoff stands among some soldiers and DHS officials\nSoldier 4: Sir, good news! Looks like we did it. Every major city is reporting zero Peruvian flute bands. We got 'em all! [other soldiers cry out \"All right! We did it!\"]\nMichael Chertoff: Calm down people, we still have work to do! We have to take out the place these flute bands came from so they never come again!\nOfficial 1: We don't know where they came from, sir. We... we've been researching, but we... can't figure it out.\nMichael Chertoff: Well think about it, idiot! Where else would \"Peruvian\" flute bands come from? [everyone else mulls it over]\nOfficial 1: Hmm...\nMichael Chertoff: The country is in the name!\nOfficial 2: No. Sir, we checked the entire map. There isn't a country called Peruvian anywhere.\nMichael Chertoff: Not Peruvian, retards, Peru! It's right here! [points to the country on a world map]\nOfficial 3: Peh-roo.\nMichael Chertoff: Now I want a plan in place to take out Peru once and for all!\nOfficial 1: Is that really necessary, sir? It seems a little extreme.\nSoldier 2: Yeah.\nMichael Chertoff: Peruvian flute bands will never stop annoying us [pounds his right fist onto his left palm] unless they are stopped at the source!\nChief aide: Sir, you'd better come quick. One of the pan flute bands was caught trying to escape.\nMichael Chertoff: [grabs Official 2 by his tie] See? [lets go and leaves] God damn it! [they higher officials walk out behind him]\nScene Description: The interrogation room, moments later. Chertoff and his chief aide are grilling the boys, who are seated in a row behind a table. Two top officials stand out of the way nearby\nMichael Chertoff: [holds the CD the boys were carrying] The Llama Brothers: Tapas and Moodscapes.\nStan: This is a mistake, sir, we aren't really a Peruvian flute band.\nMichael Chertoff: Right. You just play pan flute music at the mall and sell CDs of you with a llama, but you're not a Peruvian flute band.\nStan: We... we- we're just kids, you know? We, we were just trying to make some money.\nKyle: We just wanna go home.\nKenny: (Sir, please, I'm supposed to get laid for the first time on Saturday.)\nMichael Chertoff: Which tourist location were they playing at?\nChief aide: An outdoor mall in Colorado.\nKyle: Look, we're from Colorado! We, we grew up in the United States.\nStan: We we speak English!\nCartman: And we're white.\nMichael Chertoff: Let me talk to you guys out here. [takes his chief aide and the two other officials into the observation room and closes the door.] Well what do you think?\nChief aide: I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they... aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like ...one of us.\nMichael Chertoff: I agree. They're obviously some kind of... hybrid.\nOfficial 1: A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?\nChief aide: Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?\nMichael Chertoff: Well however they came to be, they're about the only piece of good luck we've had. [walks to the one-way window]\nOfficial 1: Sir?\nMichael Chertoff: If they are the hybrid we're talking about, [puts his left arm up high against the window and presses his head against that] then they could be our way of taking out Peru once and for all.\nScene Description: The interrogation room. The boys wait for the officials to return\nCraig: Do you guys know why nobody else at school likes hanging out with you? [the other boys look at each other] Because you're always doing stuff like this. You're always coming up with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country, or in outer space or something. That's why no one likes hanging out with you guys.\nCartman: You're being extremely negative, Craig. [Chertoff and the others return]\nMichael Chertoff: [approaches the boys] All right, here's the deal: Maybe you are on our side and maybe you aren't, but if you help us... we'll get you home.\nStan: Help you how?\nMichael Chertoff: [walks around the table and the boys] You're able to walk amongst the Peruvian flute bands. They see you as one of them. We are going to send you to their Capital.\nCraig: Can we please just go home, sir?\nMichael Chertoff: [drops the CD onto the table] We still don't know whose side you're on! You do this, and we'll know! You leave for Peru in the morning.\nKyle: No! No, I'm not going to Peru! Not Peru! [almost falls apart, but Stan grabs him and holds him in place]\nStan: Kyle, calm down.\nKyle: You know I can't go there, Stan!\nStan: One of our friends was raped in Peru. It was very traumatic. [the officials look at each other]\nMichael Chertoff: You don't have a choice! Either you go to Peru, or you get locked up forever with the other flute bands.\nScene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, Paruvian flute bands are crowded near the fence staring outside with one solder in front of the fence.\nSoldier 3: Thompson, can you come over here? [the translator from earlier walks up to him] The flute band players won't shut up about something and I can't understand them.\nMusician 2: ¡Por favor! ¡No podemos ir! ¡Estamos aquí para proteger a ustedes! [\"Please! We cannot go! We're here to protect you!\"]\nMusician 3: Sí. [Yes.]\nOther Musicians: Sí. No podemos ir. Si, protectores. [\"Yes. We can't go. Yes, protectors.\"]\nThompson: They're saying something like, \"You can't send us away. We are the protectors.\"\nSoldier 3: Protectors from what?\nMusician 2: ¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda! [\"The furry death! The furry death!\"]\nSoldier 3: What does that mean?\nThompson: I think he said, \"the furry death\"?\nMusician 2: ¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda! [\"The furry death! The furry death!\"]\nScene Description: CNN Breaking News\nAnnouncer: [gruffly] This is CNN.\nAnchorman Tom: The last of the Peruvian flute bands have successfully been eradicated from every part of the world. Paul Harris is at the shopping promenade and Paul, pretty nice not having any Peruvian flute music there, I suspect.\nPaul Harris: Really welcome silence, Tom. There hasn't been a Peruvian pan flute band in sight for days now, and everyone is really enjoying the peace. The world can breathe a collective sigh of relief now as we thank the- [a low moan is heard and a heavy footfall shakes the ground. The camera looks around for the source of the shaking] What the?! [an explosion has the camera focus on the resulting burst of fire]\nWoman 2: [voice only] Oh my Gohhhd!\nWoman 3: [voice only] Ohmigod! [a police car flies through the air from the direction of the blast.]\nPaul Harris: Jesus Christ! [the police car lands between him and the water fountain upside down. Harris ducks down]\nShopper: AAAAHHH!! [Harris gets up again and looks at the damage]\nPaul Harris: There's, there's something else here, it's... [the camera switches to the police car again] It's not a Peruvian flute band, it's a... Oh my God what is that thing?! [points to the sky, but the camera doesn't follow it]\nAnchorman Tom: Paul Paul, what do you see?\nPaul Harris: It's furry! It's very furry! [the transmission flickers, then fades out]\nAnchorman Tom: Okay obviously something different has uh shown up a-... Did he say \"furry\"? [instantly another heavy footfall rattles the CNN newsroom and shorts out several monitors. Reporters and other worker scatter around] Okay uh we're we're experiencing some uh- [a second footfall shuts down the newsroom entirely and tilts the camera one way, but it's still airing. A third footfall tilts the camera in another direction and the roof is peeled back. A shaft of light strikes Tom's head as he looks up into the night] My God what is that thing?! [a fourth footfall tilts the camera down and in still another direction. Tom is lifted into the air...] AAAHHH!! [...and the camera finally stops transmitting, leaving behind an image of static, then nothing.]\nScene Description: The sky, night. A military airplane take to the air. Inside, the four boys sit on chairs in one side of the cabin. The pilot peeks in and then walks towards them.\nPilot: All right, we're about 800 kilometers from Peru. There'll be a truck to take you inside the border where you're briefed on mission specifics. [walks backwards into the cockpit and closes the door. The boys say nothing for a while]\nCraig: Was there ever a moment when you guys first came up with the genius plan to become a Peruvian flute band that any of you said \"Hey, you know? This plan might backfire.\" [no answer] No, that never occurred to you. Because you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes.\nKyle: That's not true. Kids at school like us. Don't they?\nStan: Yeah dude, kids at school totally like us. Craig is just being a dick because we're having a tough time right now.\nCraig: [testing] I'm being a dick?\nStan: [firmly] Yes!\nCraig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and I'm being a dick?\nCartman: There's no talking to this guy.\nStan: All right, fine, Craig. When we get back home we'll get you your money back, and we'll never talk to you again. How's that?\nCraig: That would be great. Thank you.\nKyle: This is wrong. Uh this just doesn't make any sense. Why would Homeland Security send us into Peru?\nKenny: (Because they're trying to take over the world?)\nKyle: Ah, I don't know, it just feels like... there's got to be something else going on here.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon is talking to someone on the phone\nSharon: Please, I don't know where else to turn. The police haven't been any help, ugheh, I think our boys might really be in trouble this time. Yes. Yes. Please, check and call me right back. Thank you. [*click*She notices that Randy videotaped the call] Randy I swear to God if you don't put that thing away...!\nRandy: Sharon, you're gonna be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday.\nSharon: [the scene continues with Randy's POV] I mean it Randy that's enough!! You don't have to videotape every single-!! [a low moan is heard. She stops and looks around, getting more afraid with each moan]\nRandy: What the hell was that? [a heavy footfall shorts out the house]\nSharon: Oh my God.\nRandy: Something's going on outside! Stay, stay here! [turns around and runs out]\nShelly: [coming down the stairs] What's going on, Dad? [Randy wheels around to see her]\nRandy: Get back to your room, Shelly! [turns around and goes to the front door. He opens it and sees people running all over the street in a panic, He then points his camera at some helicopters overhead]\nScene Description: On the street. Randy steps out of the house and runs into Mr. Garrison.\nRandy: What's going on?\nMr. Garrison: They're all over the place!\nRandy: What are?!\nMr. Garrison: They're really furry! [runs off. Randy joins the others out on the street. He hears someone above him and points the camera to catch a man falling from the sky. A chunk of his body has been bitten off, exposing ribs on the right side]\nRandy: What did that?! [moves his camera off the body and sees more people running. A giant guinea pig appears among the panicked residents] What is that thing?! [someone taps him from behind and he turns around to see who it is. Officer Barbrady appears on camera]\nOfficer Barbrady: Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here! [a house blows up and Randy starts running, his camera aimed at his feet. He aims his camera forward again and sees people rounding the corner and running his way. Linda Stotch is one of them.]\nLinda: AAAAAAAAH!! [Two heavy footfalls follow and a car flies through the air from left to right. Another giant guinea pig walks along the crossroad towards the mangled car]\nRandy: Oh my Gohhhd!\nStephen: [getting Randy's attention] Go go go go back the other way! [Randy runs back along the street, the camera again aimed at his feet. He stops and aims the camera at himself]\nRandy: [out of breath] Oho, oh God, oh God, oh God. [pants] Oh God. [pants] I'm [pants] I'm so [pants] Startled.\nA Woman: [voice only] Oh my Gohhhd! [Randy stops panting and looks to his left.]\nRandy: HAAA! [A growl is heard and all of a sudden his camera goes dark.]\nScene Description: The Department of Homeland Security Headquarters. Michael Chertoff is back in the auditorium looking at the world map.\nChief aide: [entering] Sir? We've got a bigger problem.\nMichael Chertoff: [smiles knowingly] Oh? And what might that be?\nChief aide: New reports are coming in from cities all over the world. Word of massive destruction and death by what ap-pear to be... [Chertoff turns around and smiles at him]\nMichael Chertoff: [hiding a folder behind his back] Guinea pigs?\nChief aide: [softly] Yes sir. How did you know?\nMichael Chertoff: You were so close to figuring it all out, Davis, did you know that?\nDavis: Sir?\nMichael Chertoff: I really thought you had me in Miami, but you just couldn't quite put the pieces together.\nDavis: You... You... knew this was going to happen.\nMichael Chertoff: Oh, this is only the beginning, Davis, and I can't let you interfere. [his face becomes monstrous. His tongue shoots out and stabs Davis in the right eye. Davis goes into convulsions for a long time, but finally dies. Chertoff releases his tongue's grip and it goes back into his mouth] Sorry my friend, but I've worked too hard to make all this happen. The pan flute bands are on their way to their deaths, the guinea pigs are rising, and the only person who could have stopped all this... is on his way to the middle of nowhere. [he looks at the folder he had behind his back. Attached to it is a picture... of Craig]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Some recaps of last week's episode. Randy filming scared residents running by, a cameraman filming a police car being thrown into South Park Mall\nScene Description: YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SEE\nShelly: What's going on, Dad? [cut to the fallen man with a chunk of flesh missing from his left side]\nOfficer Barbrady: Mr. Marsh you have to move! It isn't- [cut to the power going out at CNN, then to an explosion, then to people running away from something, then the giant guinea pigs appearing, then to Linda Stotch panicking and running, then to a second car flying across an intersection, then to Randy looking into his camera]\nRandy: [out of breath] Oh God. [pants] I'm- [pants] I'm so- [pants] Startled. [the camera cuts out on him] ARRRGH!\nScene Description: PANDEMIC 2THE STARTLING\nScene Description: A picture of Craig appears as a Peruvian pan flute version of \"Three Blind Mice\" plays in the background\nCraig: My name is Craig Tucker. Last week was my birthday. [a picture of him, his family, and a grandmother standing behind a cake. Ten candles are on the cake. Balloons are all around and a \"HAPPY BIRTHDAY\" banner is above them] My Grandma gave me a check for a hundred dollars. [a picture of that is shown] I was sooo happy. But then, four kids from school came to my house [a shot of the four boys in Craig's living room] and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band. [a shot of the newly-formed band, the Llama Brothers] They promised I would double my money in one afternoon. [soldiers swoop in and apprehend them] But the government arrested us along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took us to an internment camp in Miami. [the camp is shown, followed by the five boys sitting in the interrogation room] We begged to go home, but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru. [a shot of a DHS cargo plane with the boys sitting on the ground near it.] And so that is now why I'm in Peru. If I die, let it be known that it is because four guys I don't even like from school lied to me and took my birthday money. [he sits on one suitcase, Kenny on another. The whole group is in a mountainous region of Peru]\nStan: We didn't lie, Craig, it was a sweet idea!\nKyle: Yeah. How are we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed?\nCpt. Taylor: I don't get it. They said the military would meet us here.\nCpt. Gabriel: This is where they told us to land. Can you get through to Washington?\nCpt. Taylor: I'm trying. [...and gets through]\nA Voice: This is Connor in Washington.\nCpt. Taylor: Hey, Connor, the place that Homeland Security told us to start the operation, there, there's nobody here to meet us. It's like they sent us to no man's land.\nConnor: Jesus they're everywhere!\nCpt. Taylor: What are everywhere?\nConnor: ...so furry! They're attacking... every city... ha- people dying... Ha-... guinea pigs... all over! Agh.\nStan: Guinea pigs?\nConnor: Can't stop them! Need to get... out... ergh. I just ate... a peanut... Agh peanut now stuck... in throat... Urgh shouldn't eat peanut... when scared. [a few more groans and communication is cut]\nScene Description: A camera is restarted. Home furnishings are shown\nRandy: I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again. [points it to himself] Okay. This is... Randy Marsh... I'm shooting this video of myself. Twenty minutes ago some... huge creatures attacked our town... Still chaos out the window... [aims it at the living room windows, through which you still see people running around in panic, then aims it at himself again] I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me, [moves the camera just enough to show Sharon] and there's Shelly. [Sharon is protecting her somewhat] Wave to the camera, Shelly.\nSharon: Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do.\nRandy: I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.\nSharon: [stands up] We have to see what the news is saying. [walks over to the TV and turns it on. A shot of New York City appears.]\nReporter: [off camera] This is a shot of New York City where the... giant guinea pigs have also attacked.\nSharon: Guinea pigs?\nReporter: Reports of attacks are coming in from major cities all over the world.\nRandy: Jesus, this thing is worldwide? [two giant guinea pigs suddenly come into view. The camera moves to a group of soldiers firing at a third guinea pig.]\nSharon: Look at that thing! Randy, what are we gonna do? [Randy focuses the camera on her. A loud thump is heard, knocking Randy off balance. He regains it and makes sure Sharon and Shelly are fine, then turns to the source of a growl: a giant guinea pig has broken through a wall and is now looking at the family]\nRandy: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my Gohhhd!\nSharon: Go Randy, run! [Sharon takes Shelly out the front door. Randy follows them]\nRandy: Gotta get out!\nScene Description: The Peruvian jungle high up in the Andes. The group is still in the makeshift landing strip. Cpt. Taylor is still trying to get a connection through the plane's radio, which is next to him outside\nCpt. Taylor: Michaels, Harrison, anybody? [no response] Nothing. LSAT is down and no answer at RCU. Whatever is going on out there is huge.\nStan: [steps forward] Ah all right, just let me get this straight: the head of Homeland Security ordered you to fly us, five kids, to Peru, but had you land way up in the Andes Mountains of Peru so that other government people could meet us and then... somehow tell us how to go to the capital of Peru, way over in Lima, and take down their government.\nCpt. Taylor: ...Yes, that was the order.\nKyle: And that makes sense to you?\nCpt. Taylor: Nope, not at all.\nCpt. Gabriel: Actually, the whole rounding up of the pan flute bands didn't make sense to any of us either.\nStan: None of what that Homeland Security guy does make sense, so could you just fly us home, please?!\nCpt. Taylor: You don't understand. The plan was to have a refueling truck meet us here. We don't have enough gas to fly any place.\nCraig: Oh, that's awesome.\nKyle: So we've gotta find another way out of here.\nCpt. Taylor: It's starting to look that way, yeah.\nScene Description: The Peruvian jungle, later. The two pilots lead the boys through it.\nCraig: This is fun. Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle. It just keeps getting better and better.\nCartman: You know what, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig.\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nCartman: Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time.\nCpt. Gabriel: Look at that: no lights on, nothing. It's like, humans have never been to this part of Peru. [the camera zooms out and at least eight giant burrowing holes appear before them.]\nScene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, strategic room. Chertoff looks at a map as an official briefs him on the current situation\nTop Official: More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions. We checked on Wikipedia and found out that guinea pigs are from the Andes Mountains, here. [points to the mountains]\nMichael Chertoff: What about the pan flute bands? Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay?\nOfficial 1: ...Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now than pan flute bands.\nMichael Chertoff: Have they been loaded onto the boats or not?!\nOfficial 2: No sir. We diverted all the resources away from the pan flute bands to deal with the guinea pigs.\nMichael Chertoff: That was an order! [pounds both fists into the map table.] The pan flute bands were to be put on boats to Guantanamo last night! [pounds both fists into the map table again.] I am still in charge here! I want those pan flute bands on the boats to Guantanamo!\nSoldier 4: Yes sir. I don't see why you have to yell at people. [turns around and walks out sobbing]\nScene Description: South Park, night. Randy's got his camera rolling. Sharon and Shelly stand behind a door so they are not seen from the street.\nRandy: Hey we're down in... Main Street now and... [a tank rolls by] Wah? Oh, ohh, look at that. [the tank fires a cannon, but the giant guinea pig is unaffected by it.] Ohhh!\nSharon: [whispering] Where do we go, Randy?\nRandy: We've got to get out of town. Go through that way. [points, and Sharon takes Shelly out the door and to the left. Randy follows them, but something catches his eye: a giant guinea pig is chewing a man's left arm off. The man is trying to get away by holding on to a light post with his right hand.]\nMan: Geow, my arm! MY ARM! [the guinea pig pulls him away from the light post and dangles him]\nRandy: Oh Jesus!\nSharon: Randy, run! [the man falls to the ground as the rest of his arm is bitten off. Randy runs]\nRandy: [the camera is aimed at his feet again] Okay. We're running now. [aims the camera at Sharon and Shelly before him] There's Sharon and Shelly running. Wave to the camera, Shelly!\nShelly: [glances back] Dad! [Randy moves the camera around to catch another mauling, then aims it back at Sharon and Shelly]\nRandy: [Sound of a explosion is heard. Randy points the camera to it and sees a giant guinea pig which starts moving towards him] Ahhh! [Before them is an empty bus with an open door] In there, in there! [Sharon and Shelly go on up the steps and into the bus. Randy follows them in] Oh God, oh God I'm so startled. Are you startled, Sharon?\nSharon: Randy, put down that c-! [something big crashes into the bus. Randy gets his bearings and he sees a giant guinea pig outside the bus looking in]\nShelly: It's gonna kill us!\nSharon: [soothing her down] Just stay down, Shelly. It can't come in here. [another guinea pig jostles the bus]\nRandy: Hold on, hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside. [runs down the aisle and outside]\nSharon: Randy? Where are you going? [Randy stops a moment and then continues, moving away from the bus. He stops and aims his camera at the bus. Two giant guinea pigs climb up to the roof]\nRandy: Here we see a view from outside the bus.\nSharon: Randy! [Randy runs back into the bus and towards his girls] What the hell are you doing?\nRandy: I got a... really good shot of it, Sharon. [another jostle follows and the camera shuts off again]\nScene Description: The Peruvian jungle. The pilots and the boys continue walking. Cpt. Gabriel tries to navigate the jungle using a map of Peru\nCpt. Gabriel: I don't know, Lemsky. This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps.\nCpt. Taylor: This whole valley is strange. Just look at the size of that fruit. [they pass by gianr fruit] Ain't that a peach? And how do you like them apples?\nCpt. Gabriel: Take a look at this! They look like... beehive combs.\nCpt. Taylor: Oh my God.\nStan: Dude, what is this place?\nCpt. Taylor: It's like... an unknown valley that time forgot, where everything grows huge.\nCraig: That's a shock. I decided to follow you guys, and now I'm in the land of the giants lost world.\nStan: [turns right and walks towards Craig] Craig, it isn't our fault! You make it sound like we always wanna be in situations like this but we don't have any choice!\nKyle: Yeah. Stuff just happens.\nCraig: Stuff just happens.\nKyle: That's right!\nCraig: You just wind up being sent by the government to take down the city of Lima only to wind up in the land of the giants lost world.\nCartman: That's right.\nCraig: You know when stuff happens to most kids? They fall off their bikes. They get in fights with their parents. They get swindled out of their birthday money.\nCpt. Taylor: Look, wherever we are, I think we'd better keep moving.\nKenny: [suddenly points] (Hey, look out!) [some brown saliva lands on Cpt. Gabriel's right shoulder, then he's chomped up, then Cpt. Taylor is chomped up too. One of Cpt. Gabriel's arms falls back to the ground. Boys start running where they came for]\nCpt. Taylor: Ohhh stop it, make it stohhhp!\nScene Description: Somewhere in South Park, night. Randy starts his camera up again and begins filming\nRandy: All right, all right. Here's Sharon and Shelly on the roof of Best Buy. We, we run up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. There's Chris and Linda, and their son Butters.\nButters: Hello, heh.\nLinda: What is that? Chris, what is that?\nRandy: That's a that's a, that's a new sound. [the sound of bees gets louder and louder as Randy moves his camera around]\nStephen: Oh God look!\nSharon: Those aren't guinea pigs.\nStephen: Get off the roof! [the group quickly heads for the stairs.]\nRandy: Go! Go go go go go! [the group goes down the stairs and Randy closes the roof door behind him.] Oho, Oh God, we're going down the stairs now. Okay, getting downstairs. [they reach Best Buy's main floor. As they go towards the entrance two televisions on the television aisle show a news report]\nAn Anchorman: And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.\nRandy: Oh no! Oho oho. [they exit the store]\nTownsman 1: Get away, there's bees everywhere! [The group runs across the parking lot with everyone else] There's another one right there! [Randy looks to his right with his camera and a giant guinea bee stands there not doing much.]\nRandy: Oh, my god!! [Another bee appears in front of him, and to his left, a man is on the ground with a giant stinger stuck into his chest.]\nTownsman 2: It stung me! It stung me! [Randy looks behind now, seeing the Best Buy store and a giant guinea bee. He keeps running.]\nRandy: Whoa, that startled me! That was really startling!\nScene Description: The Andes jungle. The boys are left to their own devices, so they continue walking\nKyle: Um I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains.\nCartman: Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way. [points to his left]\nKenny: (I think we're fucked!)\nKyle: Hey, hey, look at this. [points to his right. The other boys look. A small temple is shown with two statues, one on either side of the entrance. The boys approach it]\nCartman: What is it?\nKyle: I don't know. It's old.\nStan: Let's see what's in there.\nCraig: \"Let's see what's in there.\" That's why you guys get into these situations. Because when you come across a spooky, ancient ruin, you say \"Let's see what's in there.\"\nStan: It might be a way out, Craig!\nCartman: Yeah, Mr. Complainy Pants! [the boys enter]\nScene Description: Inside the temple. Stan lights the way with the torch\nKyle: Whoa, I don't think anyone's been in here for centuries\nKenny: (Yeah. Totally.)\nStan: You guys, look at this. [the others go to the wall Stan is looking at] It's a wall of ancient drawings. [first drawing is a group of four men playing instruments]\nKyle: Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band.\nStan: I know, a-and look. [second drawing is the flute band playing music, which is driving away two giant guinea pigs]\nCartman: Looks like the... pan flute music is driving away giant... guinea pigs?\nKyle: Oh no way! Look! [a flute band is shown behind bars] The pan flute band's put in prison, just like what happened. [the boys look up and to the right]\nStan: And then the guinea pigs killing people. [they look a little lower] And then... [a boy holds a staff against a giant guinea pig]\nCartman: Dude, it's Craig!\nCraig: What?\nKyle: That is Craig. [Craig comes forward to look for himself. The other boys back away]\nStan: Dude, Craig, what's goin' on?\nCraig: I have no idea.\nCartman: Well do you mind tellin' us what you're doing on an ancient Incan wall, Craig?\nCraig: I don't know.\nScene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, strategic room. Chertoff sits behind the table with his staff and some soldiers looking on\nTop Official: There is now word of huge beehives forming in cities across the U.S. and Canada. Europe and China are reporting deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands.\nMichael Chertoff: And how are the efforts to contain all this going?\nOfficial 3: [steps forward] It's bad, sir. It seems we have no way of stopping it; we've lost complete control. [Chertoff laughs maniacally]\nTop Official: Uh, sir?\nMichael Chertoff: Ah I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke.\nOfficial 1: Oh, a-hah.\nMichael Chertoff: All right, get the jets ready. I need to get to Machu Picchu.\nSoldier:: Uh, Machu Picchu, sir?\nMichael Chertoff: Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu! Have you lost your hearing?!\nOfficial 1: But S-sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help the-\nMichael Chertoff: Am I in charge or not?! [silences them all]\nScene Description: Inside a supermarket in South Park. Randy prepares his camera again\nRandy: We're in the [pants] grocery store now. Some of the survivors here uh.\nSharon: Can we get out through the highway?\nSoldier 5: The highway is unreachable; there's guinea rats all over it.\nMr. Garrison: Guinea rats?\nRandy: [almost hyperventilating] I'm so startled.\nMr. Garrison: What do you mean \"guinea rats\"?\nSoldier 5: Look, there are guinea pigs, but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats. I've even seen some guinea spiders out there.\nSharon: Randy, will you stop doing that?! [Randy continues to film her, then jumps to the next speaker, then the next one...]\nStephen: Look, I, I think we need to find a way out under the city.\nMr. Garrison: In the sewers? Can't be safe down there.\nRandy: [walks away with the camera, rather scared] Oh God, what are we gonna dooo?\nA Woman: Oh my God!\nTownsman 3: Something's inside the store!\nTownsman 4: Guinea rabbits! They're inside! [facing him is a guinea pig in a blue rabbit outfit]\nTownsman 5: God they're everywhere!\nTownsman 6: Help me! [Randy finds out who's screaming for help] Help... me... [it's a man who's practically been bitten in half]\nTownswoman 1: Travis! No!\nRandy: You can't help him!\nStephen: There's something over there!\nTownsman 7: It's a guinea bear!\nRandy: No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid! [he lowers the camera as he runs, then raises it again to focus on a woman]\nTownswoman 2: Kill me!\nSharon: Randy, the storeroom, we've gotta get to the storeroom! [he follows the survivors into the storeroom, and the door closes behind them a few seconds later. There is no light in the room]\nShelly: Mom, I can't see.\nRandy: It's okay, Shelly. Daddy's gonna turn on night vision. [night vision mode is on] There. There. Okay. Gaaah! [the others gasp]\nSharon: What what what what?\nRandy: Nothing, sorry. I just startled myself. Gaaah! [camera out]\nScene Description: Stan is still guiding the others through the Incan temple, and the sound of running water is soon heard\nStan: Let's head over this way, guys.\nKyle: Hear that? It sounds like water.\nCartman: Yeah, it's coming from up there.\nStan: Wow. [they find themselves in a massive complex full of statues whose mouths or noses serve as waterfall fountains. Several suspension bridges connect the mouth of the statue they're in to the other statues]\nCartman: Dude, that's awesome.\nStan: All right, let's go. [Craig doesn't move]\nCraig: No.\nStan: Wait, whattaya mean no?\nCraig: I'm not following you guys any more.\nStan: Dude, we we have to go check this out.\nCraig: Why?\nStan: 'Cause just, that, that's just the way it is.\nCraig: Every time bad things happen, you guys end up putting yourselves deeper into the middle of it, because \"that's just the way it is.\"\nStan: Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient temple prophecy wall, buttwipe!\nCraig: I don't care. I've decided that I'm done. I am choosing not to be a part of this anymore.\nKyle: How do you do that?\nCraig: It's easy. Watch. [turns around and walks back out the way they came in. He makes his way back to the temple's entrance, and the boys follow him]\nStan: Craig, dude, wait up.\nCartman: [Craig leads the boys across the Nazca Plateau] Dude, Craig, we should go back now.\nCraig: No.\nStan: [Craig leads them across an open field] Hey look, there's something here.\nCraig: ...Nope.\nCartman: [the boys walk through a thunderstorm] Dude, this is boring. This is just a bunch of walking around.\nCraig: Yup, nice and boring. Just the way I like it.\nScene Description: South Park. Randy turns his camera on again\nRandy: It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked. Guinea rabbits are still everywhere, along with a few guinea panthers. We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse. There's Sharon and Shelly. Say \"hey\" guys.\nShelly: What is that? What is that? [Sharon holds her close]\nRandy: I'm gon-, I'm gonna take a look outside! [gets up with his camera and heads outside]\nScene Description: Outside Outback Steakhouse. Randy runs into a fleeing couple\nRandy: What is it?\nHusband: It's a Guineasaurus Rex! [Randy turns around and sees the G. Rex next to P.F. Chang. It's much bigger than other guinea creatures: about 30 feet high at the shoulder. Everyone near it scatters. Randy zooms in on the car it seems to be eating from and sees a dead couple there. The woman's body is halfway out the car through the windshield. The man's body is halfway out through the passenger door. The alarm has gone off.]\nShelly: Oh my Gohhhd!\nRandy: Oh no, I'm way too startled!\nSharon: [points up to the sky] Look! [three jet fighters swoop in from somewhere and fire missiles at the G. Rex, but it remains unscathed]\nRandy: Jesus, they can't kill it! [turns his camera to Shelly] What do you think about the Guineasaurus Rex, Shelly? [she's scared, but moves closer to the street to get a better look. This puts her in the same frame as the G. Rex] Oh that's good. There, there's Shelly with the Guineasaurus Rex in the background. Give, give a little peace sign, Shelly. [Shelly turns around frozen in fear] Oh I know, hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the Guineasaurus Rex. Shelly?\nSharon: Randy?! I have had it! You are putting down that God damned camera!\nRandy: Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family someday. [she rears back and smacks the camera out of his hand]\nScene Description: Machu Picchu, night. Chertoff arrives with his staff at the site in a military helicopter\nMichael Chertoff: Wait here a minute. [nearby a huge golden Incan idol holds a stick and a pan flute. Chertoff approaches it and opens his arms] Behold! I am standing on your precious land! I've waited a long time for this! [unzips his pants and urinates on the statue, mocking it with laughter]\nSoldier 6: What's he doing?\nMichael Chertoff: What of your prophecy now?! Nothing can stop me! [there's some sound to his left and he turns to see what it is. It's Craig climbing over a wall and dusting himself off. Chertoff approaches him in anger] Craiiig! [the other four boys appear behind Craig] No! How did you get here?!\nCartman: Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up!\nSoldier 6: Sir, ih-is everything all right?\nMichael Chertoff: Shoot them!\nSoldier 7: Shoot them?\nMichael Chertoff: They're a Peruvian band that escaped. We must keep them contained.\nStan: No no, listen to me. The Peruvian flute bands were keeping the guinea creatures away. Whatever is happening to the world is happening because you guys got rid of all the flute bands.\nMichael Chertoff: I said shoot them!\nKyle: Go look! It's all an ancient Incan prophecy.\nTop Official: Maybe we should look at it, sir.\nMichael Chertoff: Damn you Craiiig! You just don't ever stop, do you?!\nCraig: I didn't say anything.\nMichael Chertoff: [begins his speech] You see, for thousands of years horrid creatures have lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay: by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. But the prophecy foretold that one day the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved... by Craig. But that part of the prophecy will not come true! For you will all die on this mountain! [one of the soldiers fires his rifle and the bullets pierce through Chertoff's chest, leaving a large hole. Chertoff looks at the hole and cackles]\nTop Official: You're, you're some kind of monster.\nMichael Chertoff: [ominously] Oh, I'm much more than that. Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guineasaurus rexes, I am something much more evil! [he begins to transform. His mouth becomes a round orifice with a few teeth inside, then into a horrible beast with many teeth in his mouth and a pirate costume on his body, and finally, a giant guinea pirate] Arrrgh.\nTop Official: Guinea pirate! [dives into the bushes]\nStan: Jesus Christ!\nCraig: Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plans. I'll just walk away. See? [walks onto a square with a pattern on it. The circle in the center of the pattern lights up and begins to rotate up and out. Two stone slabs jut out from the pillar. The golden idol's eyes light up. A beam of light goes from the idol's staff to one of the slabs, and two beams of lightning come out of Craig's eyes and strike the guinea pirate]\nMichael Chertoff: Dargh, no!\nCraig: Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes.\nMichael Chertoff:: Argh, curse ye, Craig. Dar, argh. [the guinea pirate falls on its back and the beams turn off. The slabs go back into the pillar and the pillar rotates back into the ground. The four boys approach Craig, stunned at what just happened. Craig lets out a big sigh of relief]\nScene Description: A picture of Craig is shown, and Gery Numan's \"Cars\" is playing in pan flute format\nCraig: My name is Craig Tucker. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the earth. All the Peruvian flute bands were released, [a shot of that is shown; happy pan flute musicians] and drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes mountains. [shots from all over are shown, specifically South Park and New York City: pan flute bands are driving the guinea creatures away] Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed. [shots of the cleanup are shown. The Marshes are among the rescued] All over the world, survivors were found, living witnesses to the horror that had been seen.\nRandy: [trying to show a video clip to two firemen] Here here, look, look! [there's no picture] What the? [opens the camera to check it out] Oh- ohhh I didn't have a tape in it. [someone else took a picture of that, though]\nCraig: The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days. [the guinea pirate is taken to the Washington D.C. State Penitentiary strapped down to a flatbed truck. Next, a shot of Paris is shown: a Peruvian flute band plays at the Champs Elysées] And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands, and buy their CDs. For they protect us from the guinea creatures. As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security. [Top Official 1 and Official 3 drop him off and smile at the joyful parents] My parents were sooo happy. [a shot of Craig looking at himself in the mirror, reflecting on the events surrounding his trip to Peru] I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us. [a shot of Craig in bed, just after bedtime] We are but players on the stage of life. And I also learned to never listen when people come asking you for money. [a shot of the boys dressed as Mariachis standing at Craig's front porch talking to him; he slams the door in their faces.]\nScene Description: Craig's front yard. The boys walk away all pissed off\nCartman: That guy's an asshole!\nKyle: Yeah, what a dick!\nKenny: (I fuckin' hate Craig!)\nScene Description: Department of Homeland Security, days later. A new director has taken over and is seated behind a solid wooden desk\nTop Official 2: [enters the office without warning] Sir! Sir, we have a problem!\nNew Director: What now?!\nTop Official 2: The former director of Homeland Security, that turned out to be a guinea pig? It attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell.\nNew Director: My God, are you telling me..?\nTop Official 2: Yes sir. It broke out of prison. [heavy footfalls are felt throughout Washington D.C. Car alarms go off, people scream, and a large guinea pig in striped prison uniform appears. The camera shuts off.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Chicago, night. Barack Obama stands behind a podium facing two TelePrompTers, two glass walls, and a crowd of supporters. He has just won the Presidency.\nObama: If there is anyone out there tonight who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. [a cheer goes up in the audience]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy jumps for joy while his family, including Grandpa Marsh, sits on the sofa behind him. Another couple stands behind the sofa. Gerald and Sheila sit on a second sofa. Randy and Gerald wear Obama shirts\nRandy: Yyeeaahh!!!! [pumps his beer can up and down a couple of times] Obama! [runs around] WOOOOO! We did it! We F'in' did it!\nGerald: [stands up] Yyeeaahh!!!!\nObama: It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America.\nRandy: Yyeeaahh!!!! Yeah Obama! Chaaange! It's, it's chaaange!\nObama: Sasha and Malia, I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. We will name him \"Sparkles\".\nRandy: [kneels before the TV] He's so awesome! [runs his hand over the screen a few times] He's so perfect and awesome!\nObama: Where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can.\nSupporters: [in Chicago] Yes we can!\nRandy: Yes I can! Yes I can! [the others watch him run out of the house]\nScene Description: Outside the Marsh house. Randy opens the door and proclaims\nRandy: Here comes the change everybody! WOOO! [people nearby gather around the front steps]\nMr. Harris: Did you see? Our man is in! [among the gathering crowd are Mr. Adler and the Blacks.]\nMrs. Harris: We did it!\nMr. Adler: Everything is going to be awesome now!\nRandy: This is the greatest day of our lives! Yes we can!\nLinda Black: I don't even know what to do now.\nRandy: I know what to do! [steps into the street and cups his hands on his cheeks so as to amplify his voice] Losers! Looosers!\nScene Description: The Stotch house, living room. A \"Go McCain\" banner hangs over the sofa. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair, Stephen and Linda sit on the sofa with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria and her boyfriend sit on two chairs in front of Mr. Mackey. Most everyone there is wearing a McCain/Palin shirt or sweater\nCrowd: [outside] Looosers! Looosers!\nStephen: Oh, shut up!\nCrowd: Looosers!\nButters: We lost?\nMcCain: [giving his concession speech] It is natural. It's natural tonight to feel some disappointment. We fought as hard as we could, and though we fell short, the failure is mine, not yours.\nSupporters: No no! Noo nooo!\nButters: Aw, poor ol' John McCain. Well he looks real sad.\nStephen: [gets up and walks to the TV] No. No, this can't happen! No! [kicks the TV screen, causing it to short and shatter]\nLinda: Stephen!\nStephen: It's all over, Linda! The country as we know it is about to change. We're all dead.\nLinda: You don't know that, Stephen!\nMr. Mackey: With an inexperienced man as President, we do know it! He is right! Game over, man! Okay?!\nMr. Garrison: We'll probably be dead by sunrise!\nStephen: Butters, Daddy loves you. Just remember that... he always loved youuu... [someone pounds on the door. Stephen and Butters look over and the door opens. It's Randy]\nRandy: WOOOO Obama!\nMr. Garrison: Get out o'here!\nScene Description: The Marsh house. It's quiet there now. The doorbell rings and Stan answers it. He sees Kyle and Ike on the landing\nKyle: Dude, have you seen my parents? [Ike begins to cry]\nStan: No, everyone is out partying in the streets. What's wrong with your brother?\nKyle: He was a McCain supporter. [Ike cries harder] It's okay, Ike. Obama will do fine.\nScene Description: Chicago, Obama headquarters. It's 1:10 am and Obama steps through some double doors. The press awaits him.\nReporter 1: Uh Mr. President, over here!\nReporter 2: Congratulations!\nReporter 3: Great start, great job!\nReporter 4: Change!\nReporter 5: Great job, Mr. President!\nReporter 6: Great job, Obama!\nObama: Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening getting some much needed rest. [steps through double doors at the other end of the hall and closes them behind him. A man walks out of the shadows as Obama turns away from the doors] Senator McCain.\nMcCain: President Obama. [the two men step up and face each other, then start to giggle, then roar with laughter. They give each other a high-five and a low-five.]\nMcCain, Obama: Boom, baby!\nObama: Ohoh man that was perfect! [works on removing his jacket]\nMcCain: [pulls out a cell phone and starts calling someone] I almost thought we were gonna tie for a minute there. That would have screwed us.\nObama: You played it perfectly, there was no way.\nMcCain: It's McCain, we did it! Obama is President.\nDavis: Yeah, so I've heard. You guys are out of your freakin' minds, you know that?\nMcCain: Yes, we do. Assemble the rest of the team: we've only got ten hours.\nDavis: Sure. Hard part's over, right?\nMcCain: Actually, the hard part's just starting.\nScene Description: The streets of South Park. Two men set up a \"Obama for President 2008\" banner over the roof of a house. Down below are posters and banners for Obama plastered all over the houses and the crowd is partying to \"Celebration\". Randy rallies them on by blowing through a paper horn\nReveler 1: [gulps down a beer] Yoohoo!\nReveler 2: Obama yeah, I can't believe it!\nRandy: O ba ma! O ba ma!\nRevelers: O ba ma! O ba ma!\nRandy: Cehhh-lebrate good Obama come on! [reaches a keg of beer and serves himself some into a mug] It's Obamobama! [someone walks by and just throws up]\nScene Description: Stan's house. He and Kyle look at the partying going on outside. Stan is on the phone\nStan: Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint. [outside the music changes to \"Who Let The Dogs Out?\" Someone swings from a traffic light and falls. A truck full of young adults rolls by]\nCrowd: Obama!\nRandy: Who let the Obama out? [moments later a police car rolls down the street, slowly going through the crowd] Ohoh, police are here. OooooOOOOooo!\nCrowd: OooooOOOOooo! [Officer Barbrady stops the cruiser and hops out of it]\nBarbrady: Okay people, time to disperse. Party's over!\nRandy: BOOOO! [other people join in the booing]\nReveler: ...party Obama!\nBarbrady: Come on, time to go home.\nRandy: What are you? A McCain voter?\nCrowd: Yeah!\nRandy: Sorry pal, but Obama's President now! [walks towards Barbrady, and his pants begin to fall to his ankles] Obama! Obama! [walks past him and towards the police car]\nCrowd: Obama! Obama!\nRandy: Yeah yeah, flip the... Flip the cop car! Flip the cop car! [other revelers walk up and help out]\nBarbrady: Ey, put down my car! [Randy and the revelers succeed in flipping the car over]\nRevelers: Yes we can! [they move in and keep rocking the car as the music switches to \"Mickey\".]\nBarbrady: No! No! Hey, stop it!\nStan: Jesus Christ...\nRandy: O-bama you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Obama! Hey Obama! [Cartman rolls by in his Big Wheels trike, pulling a cart full of TVs]\nCartman: Hey, you guys wanna buy a TV? [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]\nScene Description: Washington D.C., at the penthouse of a hotel. Obama and McCain enter a suite where the rest of their team is waiting for them. It's 2:15 am. The team members applaud them as they reach the middle of the room.\nQuincy: Bravo Obama and McCain. Ten years you two have been working on this plan and you've finally pulled it off!\nMcCain: Guys, we've all known each other a long time, had many incredible adventures, but this is going to be our greatest feat ever.\nNeely: I knew it! I knew when you two ran for President you were just working an angle.\nObama: Always workin' the angles.\nMcCain: My friends, while the entire country is busy reacting to the election, we are about to pull off the greatest heist in human history.\nQuincy: So, come on, enlighten us. What are we stealing this time? [Obama and McCain look at each other knowingly. The next scene shows a huge diamond necklace]\nObama: The Hope Diamond, rated #4 of the ten most precious diamonds in the world. Going street value, Middle-Eastern market, of course, two hundred and ten million dollars.\nDavis: Two hundred ten?\nMcCain: Million.\nQuincy: No no no, the Hope Diamond is ungettable. Every thief in the world knows that.\nObama: Almost ungettable. The diamond is kept in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, long considered to be the most thief-proof structure ever built. [Two security guards go around closing the exhibits for the night] The Diamond Wing Is protected by impenetrable walls of two-foot wide steel. On the northeast side, a seven-five laser system. [the guards walk out of a room and turn on the laser system as they exit] There's simply no side of the Smithsonian that can be breached.\nDavis: So you go in from the roof, drop into it from the top.\nObama: Can't get it to from the top because a polymer shelf runs the entire expanse.\nQuincy: Okay, you can't get into the museum from any side and you can't drop in from above, so you can't get the diamond. [Obama walks over to the computer and turns it on, stepping aside for McCain]\nMcCain: Meet... the Presidential Escape Tunnel, [a simulation begins to play on the computer monitors] A two-mile long underground passage that runs from the White House to a location outside the city limits in case of an attack. The tunnel is only accessible from the Oval Office and just happens to travel right underneath the Smithsonian Natural History Museum.\nNeely, Davis: Boom, baby!\nMcCain: You get somebody into that tunnel, they can blast into the museum, let the others in, the heist is on.\nQuincy: So you both run for President because one of you has to win, and you've got your access to the tunnel.\nMcCain: And we run on a particularly brutal campaign so that the nation is as distracted as possible over the next... eight hours.\nQuincy: This all sounds very risky.\nObama: [walks across the floor] We've spent ten years putting this plan together. If we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world-\nNeely: And we are.\nObama: [turns around] -we won't get caught.\nScene Description: Stan's house, night. Kyle is in the kitchen, on the phone with 9-1-1.\nKyle: Yes, ah I'm trying to locate my parents. M-my name is Kyle Broflovski. Yes, I know Obama won.\nStan: [walks in from the dining room] Kyle, Kyle you gotta get out here.\nKyle: What?!\nStan: Your little brother has climbed out of the window. I I think he's gonna jump!\nKyle: Oh my God! [drops the phone and follows Stan to Ike]\nScene Description: Stan's house, one of the windows. Kyle is standing on a window sill in the den mumbling out loud. Stan and Kyle run outside and reach the window\nKyle: Ike, don't do it! There's still so much to live for! [Ike begins to cry] I know you really wanted McCain to win but, but it's going to be okay. [Ike mumbles something to him] No, that's not true, Ike. The economy could easily stabilize with Obama's plan. [Ike says something more] Ike, don't jump! You could really hurt your ankle or something. [The camera zooms out to show that the window is barely off the ground. Ike cries, Stan and Kyle look at each other] Really Ike, that's like five feet off the ground. Don't do it.\nIke: Good-bye. [falls from the window sill and lands on the ground face down]\nStan, Kyle: NOO!\nKyle: Ike? [no response] Oh crap Ike?\nScene Description: The White House, night\nChief of Security: All right, everyone, I'm turning in for the night. Go to standard security, team 3.\nSS agent 1: Sir! S-sir, we have a bit of a problem.\nChief of Security: What?\nSS agent 1: The new President-elect is here. Eh he wants into the Oval Office.\nChief of Security: Barack Obama? [next scene shows Barack Obama walking through the White House]\nSS agent 2: They're all, they're all right through here, sir.\nChief of Security: [interrupting as Obama enters] Uh, hello, is there something we can do for you, Mr. Obama?\nObama: Just checking out the new digs. How are you guys?\nChief of Security: Good, sir.\nObama: I'd like to see the Oval Office, please?\nChief of Security: Right now?\nObama: I don't waste time, gentlemen. I've only got two months to figure out how I wanna redecorate, if you know what I mean. You know, change the drapes and stuff.\nChief of Security: [backs up towards the Oval Office] Sure, right this way, Mr... President. [opens the doors to the office]\nObama: [enters the office] I will need absolute privacy, is that understood?\nChief of Security: Yes sir. [Obama places a bill into the Chief's jacket breast pocket]\nObama: Thanks. [closes the doors]\nChief of Security: I got a hundred dollars. [grins]\nScene Description: Inside the Oval Office.\nObama: All right, McCain. I'm in.\nMcCain: Nicely done, B. We're in position outside the Smithsonian. [he's with a construction team] You find the escape tunnel?\nObama: I'm already on it. [plugs a hacking device into an electronic lock hidden under a panel on the desktop; it quickly starts crunching numbers in trying to decode the password. Once it decodes the right password the desk moves to one side and the secret passage is revealed] Boom baby.\nScene Description: South Park, early early morning. The Obama supporters are still partying on the neighborhood streets. The music this time is \"Whoomp! (There it is)\"\nReveler 3: Yehhheheah!\nRandy: [even more drunk than before, serves himself more beer] Wooo, change.\nReveler 4: Change.\nReveler 5: Change.\nStan: [running up to him with Kyle] Dad Dad, we have a problem.\nRandy: Not anymore we don't; everything's different now.\nStan: No, Dad, we gotta take Kyle's brother to the hospital.\nRandy: We don't have to take... crap... from the fit- rich, fat cats anymore.\nStan: Dude, he's wasted.\nRandy: Hey, it's my boss. Hey boss! [walks over]\nRandy's boss: Oh, hello Marsh.\nRandy: Yeah, you know what? Fuck you! [Stan and Kyle are stunned]\nRandy's boss: Huh?\nRandy: You heard me, you fuckin' piece of shit! I can finally tell you what I think o'you, fuckin' asshole!\nStan: [quite concerned] Dad, what are you doing?!\nRandy: It's okay, Stan, everything's changed. I don't need this stupid fuckin' job anymore! You lil fucking assfuck, piece of shit [gives him the finger again] You know what Obama said? Yes we can!\nRandy's boss: Hey, I voted for Obama.\nRandy: Obama's not talkin' about you!\nKyle: [looks around] Can someone help us? My little brother fell out of a window. [Randy punches his boss in the face and his boss just leaves, holding his hands over his nose]\nScene Description: McCain headquarters. Sarah Palin stands behind a podium. Photographers snap away at their cameras\nPalin: I just wanna say to everyone who's a little disappointed that we lost the election that there's always next year. Maybe I'll run again for Vice President again in 2009. [the cameras die down and everyone is a bit aghast at her statement]\nReporter 1: Uh Mrs. Palin, have you seen or heard from John McCain?\nPalin: Uh, uh, nnno, I don't really know where he went. Kinda seems a little odd, I guess, but [her cell phone begins to ring] Oh, my phone's going ringy. Ex-cuse me. [steps away from the podium and off the stage to her left. She answers the phone at a safe distance from the stage] Hello?\nMcCain: Hello Sarah, it's McCain.\nPalin: [switches to a British accent] I hope to God you're calling to tell me you're in position below the vault with the L7 charges.\nObama: I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah. I should be almost below the museum.\nPalin: Just make sure you don't blow the transformers along with the tunnel because it will trigger the five-four laser system! And don't damage any coupling wires or it'll be worthless when Gary shuts down the grid. I'll be there in thirty.\nObama: God she's awesome.\nPalin: [returns to the podium and a normal voice] Oh, I guess Senator McCain's gonna fly me back to Alaska now. He's got a private jet, you know? Okay, byebye then. [walks off to her right] Bloody idiots. [she walks out of the headquarters through a side door, tosses off her red business suit and walks towards the camera in a catsuit. She whips out some sais and spins them around like pistols]\nMcCain: All right, here we go. [a piledriver is turned on and a massive pile is lifted up, then dropped. Shockwaves spread out each time the pile hits the ground]\nGuard 1: What's that noise?\nGuard 2: It's okay, just some construction outside. [Obama prepares a charge and sets it off, and light enters the tunnel. Obama has broken into the Smithsonian. He pops his head through the hole]\nScene Description: Inside the Smithsonian. Obama looks around and sees the laser system is on.\nObama: Oh no. [presses a button on his headset] McCain? We've got a problem. [the lasers are now blue instead of red]\nScene Description: South Park streets, night. Stan and Kyle have placed Ike in a red Radio Flier wagon and are pulling him along. Ike moans from time to time. They pass by a gas station]\nKyle: Hang in there, Ike. We're gonna get you help.\nStan: [points ahead] Hey, there's some people. [ahead of them is a garage that has been converted into a cave. Stephen Stotch and the other McCain supporters are there putting stuff away. Stephen is holding a crowd of other McCain supporters at bay with a rifle.]\nStephen: Let's just stay back- STAY BACK! We don't have any more room in the Ark. [above the garage door is the work \"A.RK\"]\nMan 1: You have to let us in! You know the country's doomed!\nWoman 1: Who are you to turn us away?!\nStephen: I built this bunker in case McCain lost! There isn't enough room for everyone!\nKyle: Hey, excuse me, but we need some help.\nStephen: I know you do, but there's no more room, I tell ya!\nMan 2: You're going to deny them too?\nMan 1: [throws down his sleeping bag] For God's sake, man, they're children! [kneels next to Stan] Look them in the eyes and tell them you won't take them in! [tugs on Stan's cheeks] Look at their little cheeks!\nStan: Let go of my face, asshole!\nStephen: All right, damn you! The children can come in!\nKyle: No, we don't want to enter any of your stupid shelter!\nMan 3: Okay, then I want their place.\nMan 4: Me too.\nKyle: We NEED a ride to the hospital!\nMan 1: THERE ISN'T GONNA BE A HOSPITAL! DON'T YOU GET IT?!\nWoman 2: Let us in now! [Stephen smacks her away, and a brawl follows]\nMr. Garrison: Whoa, Jesus, it's already happening. Society's breaking down!\nMan 5: Obama hasn't been elected four hours and already the country's going to hell! [another supporter smacks him down from behind. Stan and Kyle just leave and resume their walk]\nScene Description: The Oval Office, outside. The Chief of Security knocks on the door]\nChief of Security: Mr. Obama? [tries to open it, but can't] Sir? [looks to another Secret Service agent] All right, give me the keys. [the door opens before the agent could reach for the keys. Barack Obama dusts himself off]\nObama: Is there a problem, gentlemen?\nChief of Security: Uh, no. No, sir. Everything okay in there?\nObama: Why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry, but I asked to be left alone?\nChief of Security: Yes, sir, it's, just that... your wife is here.\nObama: My wife?\nMichelle: [appears behind the agents] Barack, everyone's been looking for you. What on earth are you doing?\nObama: [pulls her into the Oval Office] Uh, c-c-come on in, darling. [appears at the doorway again] Thank, thank you boys. [closes and locks the doors]\nScene Description: The Oval Office, inside. Barack and Michelle are alone now]\nMichelle: Okay Barack, tell me what's going on?\nObama: Michelle, there's something I need to tell you.\nMichelle: What is it? [Obama stays quiet] Barack, what is it?!\nObama: The laser system guarding the diamond was replaced by an optical relay three days ago.\nMichelle: You gotta be kiddin' me. So the entire diamond vault is inaccessible?! Is McCain online?\nMcCain: [wearing a huge fake mustache] Hi, Michelle.\nMichelle: [removes the Bluetooth device from Obama's right ear and places it on her own] You guys weren't runnin' update checks on the security logs?!\nMcCain: Michelle, we need you to do a different scan hack through the vault relay.\nMichelle: On a new system, in an hour?! Are you nuts? My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three scan hacks into a laser system!\nSarah: Michelle, it's Sarah. They did replace the laser system, but the new one isn't brand-new. It's an old H-7 series. You can break this baby in 30 minutes.\nMichelle: Egh. Tell Davis to get me a fortrans emitter and enough pulse drives to light a spark.\nObama: Did you catch that, Davis?\nDavis: I'm on it.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Stan and Kyle finally make it to the emergency entrance]\nKyle: We made it, Ike. You're going to be okay. [they enter the ER and see a lot of patients in there. One man has an Obama flag stuck up his ass. The clock reads 9 p.m., so it must be broken]\nNurse: [showing an Obama patient where to wait] There, just take a seat over there.\nKyle: [getting the nurse's attention] E-excuse me, my little brother needs medical attention.\nNurse: Was he an Obama supporter or a McCain supporter?\nStan: Why does that matter?\nNurse: Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself. [on one side of the ER are Obama supporters who are suffering the effects of too much partying, and on the other are McCain supporters who have more serious wounds]\nKyle: Ma'am, please, I think my little brother needs immediate help.\nNurse: You don't understand, kid: there's only two doctors on call, and Dr. Wilson is out celebrating in the streets somewhere.\nStan: So where's the other doctor? [the nurse opens a door behind her and the other doctor... is hanging from a noose attached to the ceiling]\nRandy: [walking in suddenly towards the Obama side] Hey, come on people. We can keep partying, can't we? Yes we can! Come on, let's sing. O-bama. Well you came and you gave without taking. [moans come up from all over the ER as people cover their ears] And I sent you away, O-bama. When you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'. [a McCain supporter tries to hasten his death by smashing a corkscrew into his head]\nScene Description: The Smithsonian. Michelle and Obama are at the tunnel's new entry point near the Hope Diamond. Michelle is still breaking the new laser system]\nMichelle: I've almost got it. You're only going to have five minutes. Do you understand?\nObama: Did you really not like pretending to be married?\nMichelle: Oh Jesus, now is not the time, B.\nObama: Come on. You have to admit we had some fun.\nMichelle: My girls need somebody better than a world-class diamond thief. Woowait, there! I got it.\nObama: [to everyone connected to his bluetooth unit] All right, everyone. We're about to go. So here's the revised schedule: 4:40 a.m., the team gathers at the northwest exit of the museum. [the heist is shown taking place as Obama goes through the schedule] 4:45 a.m., Michelle hacks the optical relay, allowing me access to the rear doors.\nMichelle: Go! [Obama takes off]\nObama: 4:46, from inside I can open the doors and let in the rest of the crew. [Obama opens the vault door and McCain and the others walk in] 5:10 a.m., at the Department of Power Quincy shuts down the grid, disabling power to the vault room. 5:12, my grandmother who faked her death on Monday calls in a bomb threat to the museum.\nGrandma Obama: I said I put a bomb in your building, bitch.\nObama: 5:13, the guards open the southwest door, checking the museum for any bombs. [above them, Palin crawls across the ceiling like Spider-Man towards the entrance] 5:14, McCain, dressed as a football player, enters security and shuts off the diamond case alarm. [Palin drops down and hangs upside down. She lifts the glass display cover from the diamond and swipes the Hope Diamond from its display case. McCain is spotted and flees]\nSmithsonian guard: Hey you! Stop!\nObama: Michelle and I head back into the tunnel and the hole is patched. [Davis and Neely act as repairmen and seal up the hole] 5:15 a.m., I walk out of the Oval Office with the diamond securely hidden in my anus.\nObama: [to the Secret Service] All done. Thanks. [Barack and Michelle head outside, towards a limousine. The door opens and McCain is waiting for them. They enter and take their seats, and the limousine rolls off. The rest of the team looks at the three of them, and they all laugh. Obama takes the diamond out of his ass and displays it for all to see.]\nScene Description: Boom, baby!\nQuincy: There's just one thing: don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear? Go looking for you?\nObama: We hired a guy for that a couple of months ago. [a plane sits all by itself in a field somewhere. The interior is full of dummies. Nearby, in a recovery room, Ike rises from his bed as Stan and Kyle look off into space. He presses a button and the plane blows up: the plane was landed near Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan and Kyle hear the explosion and quickly turn around and look outside]\nKyle: What the hell? [they observe the burning plane. Ike sneaks away while the boys are distracted. He dashes across the hall to the coroner's office and enters it. He hops onto a chair and attaches a USB stick to a computer, and begins typing. Dossiers of the heist team members pop up and Ike classifies each one as deceased. The door opens, and Kyle and Stan enter] Ike?\nIke: Boom, baby.\nScene Description: Washington D.C., day. The heist team members are in the waiting room watching their plane, an Air Tahiti jet, taxi into position]\nFlight attendant: Here are all the tickets for your group, Mr. Sanchez.\nMcCain: Thank you very much.\nQuincy: Well friends, let us depart.\nObama: Hey uh, you guys go ahead. I just came to say goodbye.\nNeely: Wha?\nObama: I decided to hang it up, maybe give this President thing a shot.\nMcCain: B, you can't be serious.\nQuincy: Besides, you died in a jet in the Rocky Mountains, remember?\nObama: Could have been I didn't make that flight. [walks up to Michelle] What do you say, Michelle? Would you and your girls like to move into the White House with me? You know, settle down, just be President and First Lady for a while.\nMichelle: You're serious.\nObama: Who knows? Maybe we could change a few things. What do you say?\nMichelle: Aww, what the fuck. [they begin to kiss, and the other members of the team wave goodbye and head for the plane]\nMcCain: I just looove happy endings.\nScene Description: South Park, the A.RK, morning. The garage door goes up and the McCain supporters in the bunker look out into the same scene they'd seen countless times before.]\nStephen: It's still here, ih... it's all still here.\nMr. Garrison: Does that mean... maybe we overreacted?\nStephen: No, no, I wouldn't say that. It's just maybe... well, uh... maybe Obama will be all right.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room. Randy wakes up from a drunken slumber, trash still strewn all over the living room.]\nRandy: Uhh... [sits up and tries to rub his eyes, but he's got a headache] Oh ow. [walks forward...] Hey, where are my pants? [looks at the table the TV is missing from] Where's our TV?! Where are my pants and where's my TV?!\nStan: Dad, your boss called. He said you're fired.\nRandy: [surprised] Oh! [is pissed off again] Ugh, God damn it! Obama said things would be different! That sonofabitch lied to us! I knew I should have voted for McCain! [kicks a side table away and walks off]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are in the center table once again, with the girls off to screen right. This time there are ten boys present, five on each side. On the left are Butters, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny. On the right are Clyde, Craig, Jimmy, Token, and Jason\nCartman: Hahahahaha, look at Kenny's lunch, a baloney sandwich and water! Hahaha, Goddamn your family's poor, dude. [Kenny indeed has a plain bologna sandwich and a glass of water.]\nButters: Hey, you fellas wanna go see High School Musical 3 tonight? Bunch of kids from school are gonna see it again.\nKyle: What's High School Musical 3?\nClyde: You know, the sequel to High School Musical 1 and 2.\nStan: What's High School Musical 1 and 2?\nCartman: There's not- there's not even condiments on his baloney sandwich!\nJason: What's High School Musical 1 and... Dude, it's only the most popular thing with kids in our age group!\nJimmy: Yeah. Where the hell have you guys ...been?\nCraig: Peru.\nScene Description: At the table behind the second row of boys, the girls begin to laugh\nBebe: And then I saw High School Musical 3 again on Friday, and guess who was there? Bridon Gueermo.\nMillie: Bridon Gueermo? Oh he's such a dream!\nRed: I'd give anything to be with Bridon Gueermo, but he'd never go for me. I'm nobody.\nWendy: That's not true, Red. Everyone has something that makes them unique. [stands on the bench in place] Everyone is special in their own way. Move to the beat and let your spirit out! [the girls begin to snap their fingers]\nBebe: As long as we've got each other, we'll never have any trouble.\nGirls' Table: That's what bein' friends is about. Cue full instrumentation (Oh ye-ah) [the girls stand on the benches and face the boys] Everyone is special in their own way, and we'll always be together as one.\nCartman: [puzzled] What the hell are they doing?\nGirls' Table: - Together as one -\nStan: I have no idea. [the other boys turn in their seats to get a better view]\nGirls' Table: As long as we stick together, together we'll stay. And every kid in school is special in their own way.\nCartman: Dude, girls are such fags. [suddenly, Clyde, Craig, Jimmy, Token, and Jason leave the table and join the girls]\nBoys' table except for The Boys: Oh yeah, oh yeah!\nBoys:: [Dancing] Boys... are special in their own way.\nGirls:: [Dancing] Girls... are special like a birthday.\nKids:: We'll always be dancin' and singin' aloud. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!\nHeidi: Here he comes. [the kids make way for a new boy, Bridon Gueermo, who dances towards the camera]\nBridon Gueermo: I like havin' fun in the hot summer sun (wooo!) An' groovin' to the beat when my homework is all done. (yeah!) If you ask me what I know, then you know what I will say? That every single body is special in their own way.\nStan: [while the boy is singing] Who the hell is that?\nButters: Why, that's Bridon Gueermo. He's just a third grader, but he can sing and dance better than anybody.\nBebe: [swooning, walks over to the boys] He's already seen High School Musical 3 over a hundred times.\nKids: Everyone is special in their own way\nBridon: Special in their own way!\nKids:: Move to the beat and let your spirit out!\nBridon: Let it out! Party people!\nKids: As long as we have each other, we'll never have any trouble. That's what bein' friends is about.\nKyle: Are we the only ones here who are completely confused?\nStan: Yeah, I guess we'd better check that movie out...\nScene Description: Stan's house. The boys are watching High School Musical. They're watching a musical sequence with all singing and dancing on tables and up and down stairs. It's quite an elaborate presentation\nSingers: You've gotta go with the status quo. If you wanna be a regular Joe. (come on now) And your dreams are only a beat away; don't let 'em tell you no. (tell you no-o-o) You've gotta go with the status quo. Keep singing 'bout the status quo (keep singing 'bout the status) That's the place we know (get down now) We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know) We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status) Go with the status quo (go with the status quo). That's where we should go. (Go there now) Copies of pop songs packaged by Disney and turned into a show (into a show). That's the status quo! That's the status quo (That's the status quo) That's the status quohh! That's the place we know (get down now) We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know) We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status) Go with the status-\nScene Description: During this number, the following conversation takes place. At first the boys are silently watching the TV, then\nCartman: This... is cool? This... is cool. We are really gettin' old, you guys. [silence follows for a few seconds, then Stan holds up the DVD case]\nStan: Says this DVD sold more copies than any DVD ever made.\nKyle: They just released part 3 in theaters and it made 80 million opening weekend.\nCartman: Well, I'm out guys. [get up from the sofa, puts on his jacket, and heads for the front door] If this is what's cool now, I think I'm done. I no longer have any connection to this world. I'm gonna go home and kill myself. Goodbye, friends.\nStan: I don't care how popular being like these kids becomes, I'm not doing it.\nKyle: I'm not doing it either. Kenny?\nKenny: (No way in hell I'm doing it.)\nStan: All right, do we promise? We have to swear to each other right now we'll never become this. [holds up his right hand. Kyle holds his right hand up as well, and Kenny holds up his left]\nKyle: I swear\nKenny: (I swear too.)\nStan: Okay, good.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Kids begin taking their seats. Stan is writing something as Cartman come in and sits down\nCartman: Ehhhhhhh. [Stan stops writing]\nKyle: What happened? I thought you were gonna kill yourself.\nCartman: I tried. Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.\nStan: But you didn't die?\nCartman: ...Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore. [The bell rings and Mr. Garrison walks in with his books]\nMr. Garrison: All right, kids in seats, kids in seats. [the last few kids take their seats] Today we are going to discuss the Berlin Wall. [He writes \"Berlin Wall\" on the chalkboard] This was a wall in Germany that actually separated the Communist east side and the Democratic west side.\nWendy: stands up on the seat of her desk] East side, west side, whatever side that you're on. [some kids begin to snap their fingers\nBebe: As long as we care about each other we can still have some fun.\nKyle: Aw man.\nClass: Don't sweat what you might get by assuming the other side as a threat\nMr. Garrison: [beaming] Oh, you kids. [Stan buries his face in his hand]</poem>\nClass: Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along.\nBridon: [enters the classroom] East side, west side, doesn't matter to me. We've gotta learn to power through, set each other free.\nWendy: We don't care what other people wear or the way they like to style their hair. [Stan looks at them both and begins to worry that Bridon might sweep her away]\nBridon, Wendy: Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along.\nClass: East siiide, west siiide, east siiide...\nCartman:: [looking around and getting pissed off] God this sucks!\nScene Description: The hallway, later on. Wendy's at her locker putting some books away. Stan is far enough away that she doesn't notice him, but he's watching her. Jimmy walks up to him\nJimmy: Do you feel like maybe you're l-l-losin' her, S-Stan?\nStan: I don't know. There's nothin' I can do about it anyway.\nJimmy: M-Maybe you should just talk to her. You know, a little conversation. Tell her... what you feel. Sometimes you feel like there's a b-burnin' inside you, like a-\nStan: Stop. [holds his left hand out, palm out, for emphasis, and walks away. Jimmy stops singing]\nJimmy: All righty then.\nStan: [walks up to Wendy] Uh, Wendy?\nWendy: [looks at him] Hey Stan.\nStan: Look, I just want you to know, if you want to, you know, be with that Bridon kid, then you should.\nWendy: What?\nStan: I mean, I see the way you two are together and I don't wanna be in your way.\nWendy: Stan, that's ridiculous.\nStan: It is?\nWendy: I would never leave you for Bridon.\nStan: [brightens up] Really?\nWendy: No way. That's stupid. I wouldn't have a chance with Bridon; he can be with any girl he wants. [shuts her locker and walks away, kissing Stan on the left cheek. Jimmy arrives two second later]\nJimmy: There you go. Feel better, p-pal? [Stan stays quiet]\nScene Description: Stan walks through some double doors and continues down the hallway. The doors close behind him\nStan: What am I supposed to do? Can't just sit back and watch some kid steal my girlfriend away. [at an intersection he takes a left turn] I mean, Wendy said she'd never leave me for him. [kids appear behind him and follow him] But what if she just doesn't wanna hurt my feelings? She said he could get any girl he wants, and that means if he wanted, he could have my girl. [the kids begin to snap their fingers] This is all so crazy. I mean really, how could my day get any worse? [noticing the finger-snapping, he stops walking and looks around. The kids wait for him to start singing and dancing] No-no, no, I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it!\nKids: Awww. [murmurs follow]\nStan: No, fuck off. I'm not doing it.\nKids: Awww. [more murmuring. As they disperse, Butters walks up to Stan]\nButters: Awww jeez, you're no fun. [turns right and walks away. At the other end of the hall, Bridon rounds a corner and dances down the hallway in Stan's direction]\nBebe: Hey Bridon.\nBridon: Hey.\nLola: Hi Bridon\nBridon: Hi.\nHeidi, Millie: Hey Bridon.\nBridon: Hey.\nStan: [now hiding behind a corner. Bridon passes by him unaware] Hey, kid, over here. [Bridon looks around and finds Stan, then walks over to him] Hey, uh, listen. You know this whole singing and dancing thing you do? I think you need to uh, ease off a little bit.\nBridon: Huh?\nStan: Yeah, look, I I know you think the kids in school like you, but, actually they're all getting really annoyed.\nBridon: They are?\nStan: Yeah. You don't know 'cause you're just a third grader, but, take it from me, [gets stern] you're driving everyone crazy.\nBridon: I don't blame 'em. All that singing and dancing? I can't stand it.\nStan: You don't like doing it?\nBridon: It just isn't me. What I really wanna do is just... play basketball.\nStan: Basketball?\nBridon: I love it! Always have. I never miss a game on TV ...when my dad isn't making me rehearse. I'd love to quit singing and dancing forever and just play ball.\nStan: Dude, you should do that! You should join the basketball team, right now!\nBridon: I can't.\nStan: [firmly] Yes, you can. What's stopping you?\nBridon: [sighs deeply] It's my dad. He thinks basketball is for sissies. If I don't do what he wants, he beats me.\nStan: No, dude, listen, you need to take a stand and tell your dad what you want!\nBridon: Really?\nStan: When you grow up and you're a fourth grader, you'll understand that you have to be tough and direct with your parents. Go to your dad and tell him you wanna give up singing and dancing, and join the basketball team.\nBridon: You know... you're right. I'm gonna talk to my old man tonight. [walks away]\nStan: [proud of himself] Sweet.\nScene Description: Bridon's house, night. He's seated at table for dinner. His mom enters the dining room with the main dish, a casserole. The dining room is lined with posters from various musicals - Phantom of the Opera, Mamma Mia... Felines. A full-length mirror is also present\nMrs. Gueermo: Sit up properly, Bridon. You know how strict your father is about posture. [serves out the casserole] All right dear, dinner's ready!\nMr. Gueermo: [struts in, checks himself out in the mirror, and takes his seat at the head of the table] Okay, let's eat!\nBridon: Dad, I need to talk to you about somethin'.\nMr. Gueermo:: Ooo, that sounds emotional! [holds his hand against his ear to listen better] What is it son? What's on your mind? Whatever it is, you know your dad has the time.\nBridon: No, Dad, can we just talk?\nMr. Gueermo: If you can talk it, you can sing it. [gets up and dances to the mirror again] You can lay down the rhythm and bring it! Just put a melody to the words that you're sayin' and sing the beat-\nBridon: Dad, I want to join the basketball team. [his Dad is upset. He turns around and faces Bridon]\nMr. Gueermo: What did you say?\nBridon: This kid at school today told me I should do what I wanna do. That's what I really wanna do.\nMr. Gueermo: Basketball? No son of mine is going to be a sweaty little jock!\nBridon: But Dad, it's what I really want.\nMr. Gueermo: There's no singing and dancing in basketball!\nBridon: I know. That's kind of why I like it.\nMr. Gueermo: Don't you even think about it! If I had a jock for a son, I'd be the laughingstock of the men's choir club.\nBridon: It's my life, Dad!\nMr. Gueermo: Don't make me slap you! [raises his right hand up, ready to slap] I will slap your face so super hard... [Bridon quickly leaves the table and his dad sits back down] I am the man of this house! You disrespect me and you're gonna get slapped!\nMrs. Gueermo: Maybe you should let him try it.\nMr. Gueermo: What did you say, woman?!\nMrs. Gueermo: You aren't being fair.\nMr. Gueermo: That's it! I'm gonna slap you!\nMrs. Gueermo: No, please.\nMr. Gueermo: [begins to sing and slap] I slap you!\nMrs. Gueermo: Ahh!\nMr. Gueermo: I slap you!\nMrs. Gueermo: Ohh!\nMr. Gueermo: I slap slap slap you!\nMrs. Gueermo: Dohh!\nMr. Gueermo: Slapping you slapping you silly 'cause you disrespected me.\nMrs. Gueermo: Ooohohoo.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The four boys approach the school\nCartman: You guys, I need to copy your math homework before class.\nKyle: You're not copying my homework, you lazy turd.\nCartman: Fuck you, Kyle! [upon entering the building, they are met by a pre-class musical production]\nKids: And you know, we're together at school again.\nJimmy: School again.\nStan: Aww!\nKids: With all of our friends, and you know, we'll be doing this forever.\nCartman: Oh God, shut up!\nKids: Together at school again. What a special day.\nCartman: Shut. Up. Shut. Up. Shut. Uuup!\nKids: We could say that neverrrrrrrrrrr Goes away.\nScene Description: The school bell rings and everyone goes to class. Stan catches up to Bridon\nStan: Hey kid, what happened?! I th-I thought you didn't wanna sing and dance anymore?!\nBridon: Yeah, well, my dad blew a gasket when I told him and, then he beat my mom.\nStan: Dude, what did I tell you?! You have to be tough and stand up for yourself! [sees someone down the hall] Mr. Garrett, Mr. Garrett. [Mr. Garrett, the school coach, is eating an apple] This kid wants to join the basketball team. He's really good.\nMr. Garrett: Really?\nBridon: [looks down and away] Look, I should be getting to class.\nMr. Garrett: Hey, we sure could use you, kid. I could never find enough kids that wanna play ball. All the kids and the school funding go to the theater department.\nStan: You see? They need you. This is fate, kid, fate.\nBridon: I don't know...\nMr. Garrett: Look, just come in at recess and shoot some ball with the team.\nStan: Yeah, just go in at recess and shoot some ball with the team, God damn it!\nBridon: Okay.\nScene Description: Recess. The basketball team is assembled in the school gym. Bridon is at the free-throw line and shoots\nMr. Garrett: Aayy, that's great, Bridon.\nBridon: Thanks.\nJason: We might have a chance at winning now. [the doors open at the far end of the gym and Mr. Gueermo enters]\nMr. Gueermo: Bridon! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Bupow! Bupow! Bupow!\nBridon: Dad, I was just messin' around.\nMr. Gueermo: I drove by the school and saw kids on the playground doing a music number and you weren't there! You're here in the sports gym shooting basket hoops!\nMr. Garrett: Eh, your kid is really good at this.\nMr. Gueermo: Don't talk to me, stupid jock asshole! [Bridon puts his ams up in self-defense]\nMr. Garrett: Just... go easy on him, huh?\nMr. Gueermo: [gasps, then raises his right hand up to strike] You know what this means? It means you're about to get slapped, so you'd better shut up!\nMr. Garrett: If he wants to play ball, you should let him.\nMr. Gueermo: I'll do it! I'll slap the shit out of you!\nMr. Garrett: He's just a kid.\nMr. Gueermo: [slap] You don't tell me how to raise my son! I'll slap it again. [slap]\nBridon: Dad, stop!\nMr. Gueermo: You're trying to turn my son into a little asshole sports person like yourself [slaps with his left hand this time] There, there's another slap! Maybe you'll think next time you act, you- [right-hand slap] Slap it, I'll slap it! [left-hand slap. He then pulls Bridon out of the gym.]\nBridon: Ow, Dad. Dad, you're hurting me.\nMr. Gueermo: Shut up, Bridon! [as he reaches the doors, they open and Mr. Mackey appears]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, what's going on here, Mr. Gueermo?\nMr. Gueermo: Get out of my way, Mackey. You wanna piece of this?! [Mackey doesn't reply, but he slaps him anyway] I'll slap everyone in this God damned school if I have to! [exits the gym, but returns to slap Mackey again, then leaves again]\nScene Description: In the hallway, father and son hurry along.\nMr. Gueermo: You are never going to play shooting hoops, do you understand?! [Stan watches them walk by, his plan dashed] You are going to sing and dance and be the best at it!\nBridon: You're hurting my arm.\nMr. Gueermo: Stupid-ass boy!\nStan: [sighs deeply] Ah, shit.\nScene Description: Scott's house. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a video game.\nCartman: Oh that's good that's good. Yeah. Shoot that guy in the face, Kyle. [Stan walks into the living room and stands to one side of the sofa] Yeah, nice.\nStan: You guys, this High School Musical thing isn't gonna go away. I think we'd better just get on board with it.\nKyle: What? Are you crazy?\nCartman: No way dude.\nKyle: We promised each other we would never do that, remember?\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nStan: I know, but... I think we're really starting to become outcasts at school. We're losing all our credibility. I mean, look at who you guys are hanging out with now. Scott Malkinson, for Christ's sake.\nScott Malkinson: What's so bad about hanging out with me?\nCartman: Shut up, Scott Malkinson. \"I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got a lisp and I've got diabetes.\"\nScott: Hey, don't make fun of my diabetes!\nCartman: \"Don't make fun of my diabetes, I'm Scott Malkinson.\" [Kenny laughs]\nStan: You can rip on him, but you guys are hanging out with him. Doesn't that make you think maybe your clout at school has slipped a little?\nKyle: Stan, you're just jealous of that third grader and you think Wendy's gonna go for him unless you start singing and dancing too.\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nStan: That isn't true! [no one challenges] Okay, that's totally true. But you guys, we are at risk of becoming the unpopular kids\nScott: Hey, that was supposed to be my power-up pack.\nCartman: \"That was supposed to be my power-up pack, I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes.\"\nScene Description: The Gueermo house, living room, night. Bridon looks out the window as his father dances to High School Musical on screen\nMr. Gueermo: Yadada yadada yadada dadadadada High School Musical is so awesome. [the doorbell rings and Mr. Gueermo pauses the video and prances to the door. He opens it and two adults appear]\nMale CPS Agent: Mister... Gueermo?\nMr. Gueermo: [barks] What?\nMale CPS Agent: [shows his official badge] We're from Child Protective Services. [puts it away] There's some concern you might be physically abusing your child?\nMr. Gueermo: What? Who the hell's been saying that?!\nFemale CPS Agent: We got a phone call from a concerned student who wishes to remain anonymous.\nMale CPS Agent: His name is Stan Marsh.\nMr. Gueermo: You'd better just turn your asses around and get back in your little car, 'cause there's a world o'hurt about to come your way!\nMale CPS Agent: Mr. Gueermo, we need to come in and have a word with your son.\nMr. Gueermo: [performs a sweeping gesture to usher them in] Oh, by all means. You got the balls to come in here?! Do it! Do it! [the agents enter and walk over to Bridon]\nMale CPS Agent: Hello, Bridon, my name is Mr. Kelly. [Mr. Gueermo sneaks up behind him, ready to slap him at any moment] We just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes if that's okay and just maybe... [Mr. Gueermo whistles, Mr. Kelly turns around, and Mr. Gueermo slaps him]\nMr. Gueermo: Yeah! There it is! Slapped you! You probably think I'm finished, huh?! [slap] No, there's another one!\nFemale CPS Agent: Oh my God!\nMr. Gueermo: [moves over to the female agent] Don't worry, bitch, I didn't forget about you! [slaps her] There's a slap for you! [three slaps follow] Slap, slap, slap! [slaps Mr. Kelly three more times] Yeah, there you go! [slaps the female agent again] Here's a little reach around the back of the head slap! [slaps the female agent, then slaps Mr. Kelly. Mrs. Gueermo rushes in to intervene and take the slaps]\nMrs. Gueermo: Oh God, please, you have to get away! He won't ever stop! [he slaps her seven times]\nMr. Gueermo: Awww. I'm going slap-happy! [chases after the agents and slaps them several more times before they finally reach their car] I'm going slap, slap happy! Slappity slappin' you, teachin' you a lesson for coming in my house! [the agents pull away quickly. He notices his next door neighbor looking on from his own doorway] What are you looking at, Robertson? [in a flash he slaps Robertson three times, and just as quickly he's back inside his house and closes the front door.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, hallway. Bebe has something to say.\nBebe: They're here! The audition results for the school musical are in! [the kids react and gather round the results sheet on the bulletin board. Butters is on a stool checking out the results for everyone]\nButters: Hey, you got the lead, Wendy. [the girls congratulate her and Wendy says something in reply]\nClyde: Who's the male lead?\nButters: No surprise there. It's Bridon. [the boys and a few girls congratulate Bridon, who stays quiet] I get to be a stand-in! [moments later Wendy catches up to Bridon. Stan looks on from a distance]\nWendy: Congratulations, Bridon. Guess we'll be working a lot together.\nBridon: [not enthused] Yeah, great.\nStan: God damn it! [walks away. Next scene is him walking down the hall] No matter what I do, this kid just won't stop. [some kids look at him and decide to follow] And now they're gonna be in a show together? Jesus, it's all over for me. [the kids begin to snap their fingers] They'll probably even have a kissing scene. What did I do to deserve this? And what am I suppose to do now? [he stops, the kids stop walking but continue snapping their fingers. Soon they smile in anticipation...] Sooooomeooooone's in the kitchen with Dinah, [the kids' anticipation fades. Stan isn't singing as they'd hope he would] Someone's in the kitchen, I know. Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Strummin' on the old banjo and go and Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o. Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o-o-o-o. [Wendy, Bebe, and some other kids arrive] Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o. Strumming on the old banjo jo jo... Go tell Aunt Rhodie Go tell Aunt Rhodie Go tell Aunt Rhodie The old gray goose is... Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to... [no one is making a sound. Stan puts his hands in his pockets, hangs his head, then turns left and walks away]\nScene Description: The Gueermo house, night. Mr. Gueermo is getting ready for bed... in an unusual way.\nMr. Gueermo: You hear the rhythm. Now is the time, the tiiiiime. It's time to go to bed. It's time to call it a day. You can reach the stars and-\nMrs. Gueermo: [enters in a panic] Oh please. You have to do something.\nMr. Gueermo: What are you interrupting me for?!\nMrs. Gueermo: It's our son, he's- he's running away.\nMr. Gueermo: What?! [rushes downstairs and stops with flair behind Bridon, who's steps away from the front door] What's going on here, what's this all about? [brings his arms up and out, pointing to Bridon at the end with his left hand] What do you think you're doing?\nBridon: Dad, I'm sick of you trying to always-\nMr. Gueermo: Nono! Sing it!\nBridon: [throws his duffle bag down] No! I'm sick of singing!\nMr. Gueermo: Can you believe it? What'd he just say? What's the matter with kids these days? [fixes his gaze on his wife, who's terrified for a bit.]\nMrs. Gueermo: [slowly, carefully] Kids these days.\nMr. Gueermo: Kids these days! [Bridon ignores him and opens the door. His father flies through the air and slams the door shut with his body] Unh unh unh! Just go right back to your room and sing a ballad, mister!\nBridon: Just let me go.\nMr. Gueermo: Go ahead. Make my day. [gets down on his left knee and threatens] You get upstairs, or I will slap you until there's little red hand prints all over face! [Bridon punches him on the nose] Ow! [covers his nose and stands up] Oh my God, what was that? [runs to his wife] Did you see that?! Oh my God it hurts so bad! [she punches him harder] Ow. What the \"H\" is going on?! [she punches him again, and he runs off, crying. Bridon looks on in awe] What are you doing?! Everyone's crazy!\nScene Description: Stan's house, same night. He's on the sofa immersing himself in the High School Musical movies. Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Scott enter.\nKyle: Well, I had to see it to believe it!\nCartman: I told you guys. He's been watching High School Musical over and over again.\nStan: Actually, this is High School Musical 2. It has a dance-along part.\nKyle: We said we wouldn't be a part of this fad and look at you!\nKenny: (Yeah, look at yourself, dude.)\nStan: Look, you guys might be fine with being outcasts and hanging out with Scott Malkinson, but I'm not!\nKyle: You know what? At least Scott Malkinson has some self-respect! At least Scott Malkinson doesn't cave into peer pressure and start doing musicals!\nStan: Scott Malkinson has a lisp and diabetes! Nobody's gonna let him do a musical!\nScott: 'At's enough, you guysth, it's not cool. Lots of kids have diabetes, and you shouldn't be-\nCartman: You shouldn't pick on kids with diabetes, that's not cool. I'm Scott Malkinson.\nStan: Look, guys. [gets off the sofa and walks away from the other boys] The world is changing. We can't fight it, we have to change with it. I've been watching these movies, and from the looks of it, there's gonna be a lot more singing and dancing when we get to high school. [turns around to face them] And if you think we'll gain any respect by ignoring this thing and being individuals, then think about this: right now, [points to them] everyone thinks Butters is way cooler than any of you.\nCartman: That's a low blow, Stan.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school gym. A basketball game is in progress, five on five. Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler are doing play-by-play. \"Rock & Roll Part II\" plays from the speakers\nMr. Mackey: Third team foul on Westchester Bobcats, m'kay. Ball goes back over to the Cows.\nMr. Garrett: All right, you ready to get in there, Bridon?\nBridon: [approaches wearing #11] I'm ready, coach.\nMr. Garrett: Give 'em hell! [Bridon goes in and faces off against the Bobcats' #9. He tosses the ball over to #7, Bradley, and then notices his parents on the bleachers. His mom waves hi, his dad looks away displeased.]\nMr. Mackey: Just a minute to go in the first quarter. [Bridon gets the ball back and shots from the top of the key for a 3 pointer. Everyone applauds him, but his father still isn't looking at him. Mr. Gueermo does, however, notice the crowd's excitement and soon gets into it himself. The song changes to \"We Will Rock You\" and the crowd gets into that with two stomps and a clap. Mr. Gueermo joins right in]\nScene Description: South Park, next day. The kids are milling around the entrance, so classes haven't started yet.\nBebe: Hey Bridon, how come you weren't at musical rehearsals last night?\nBridon: I joined the basketball team. I gave up singing and dancing forever. I'm just not into it.\nWendy: You gave it up?\nStan: [walks into view with the other three boys] That's right. You know, sometimes you have to go with what your heart tells you. There's things we're all good at. And we just can't keep them bottled up inside. [music begins to play] 'Cause you gotta do what you wanna do. Don't let nothin' get in your way, chase your dream every day. [walks up to a boy and girl] True, girl, you know it's true, that if you really wanna be you, you've gotta do what you wanna do. [walks back to Bridon] He was unhappy 'cause he just wanted to play ball\nCartman: [approaches two other kids] But he finally got the courage to answer his heart's call.\nStan: Just like me, all I ever wanted was to sing and dance. And now that I stood up for my dream I finally have the chance. [the four boys form a chorus line and dance]\nBoys: You've gotta do what you wanna do. Even if other people don't really want you to. [Kyle whips off his hat while approaching two girls] True, girl, you know it's true, [returns to the chorus line] that the thing you wanna do is the thing that you should do. [Kyle dances away to two other girls]\nKyle: Some kids think I'm strange 'cause I like studying for an exam But I don't let that bother me, because it's who I am. [Cartman dances over to two kids]\nCartman: And I like nothin' better than makin' fun of Jews. And ripping on black people, though some people think it's rude, but you gotta- [rejoins the chorus line with Kyle]\nBoys:: Do what you wanna do. Just make sure that what you're doing is what's cool and popular with everyone Chew, baby, chew and chew. When you're eating jerky, if eating jerky is what you wanna do.\nBebe: [arrives with Wendy, Red, and another girl during the song] Hey Bridon, can we watch you practice basketball?\nBridon: Uhh, sure. [the girls follow him to the gym. The other students go their separate ways.]\nKyle: Do what you want, don't have restraint.\nCartman: Don't stress about it or you just might faint.\nKenny: (If you wanna get high and jack off, it's cool.)\nStan: Try to do what you wanna do!\nBoys: Do what you wanna do. As long as what you wanna do is what everybody wants you to. Glue, baby, buy some glue Just in case if what you're doin' [Stan continues singing, they all keep dancing]\nStan: involves needing scissors and glue!\nScott: Hey guys. Hey guys! [all stop. Stan looks around and doesn't see anyone else]\nStan: Huh? [the other boys turn around]\nKyle: Where did everybody go?\nScott: The girls all wanted to go watch 'at Bridon kid practice basketball.\nStan: But the girls like singing and dancing.\nScott: No, I think the girls just like that Bridon kid, no matter what he does.\nStan: But... No, we just... No, no wait. We just got good at this! Aw!."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, computer lab. Mr. Mackey is guiding the fourth graders through some computer operations by reading from a book.\nMr. Mackey: Dialog\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, now right-click on menu item \"Equate O\" and type in \"input y\".\nKyle: Nah, dude. Are you on America's side, Stan? [looks like all the other kids are playing the same game: Call of Duty: World at War]\nStan: No, I'm on the Japanese side.\nCartman: Oh, who just shot me? [Bebe leans back in her chair, looks at Cartman, and gives him the finger]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, let's see, uh the right-click is the upper-right... [his voice trails off] uhhh, but then what the hell is the...? [closes the book and goes back to normal voice] Okay kids, I'm gonna need to get some clarification on this. Uh, just keep entering the calculations; I'll be right back, m'kay.\nCartman: Oh dude, I wish I had a real flamethrower. It works awesome on Japs.\nButters: [runs into the lab and hides behind the wall] Oh my God, oh my God! [runs up to Stan] Stan! Stan, we have a big problem.\nStan: Dude, what?\nButters: There's vampires in the school!\nStan: What?\nButters: Vampires. I've seen 'em.\nStan: Dude, aw! Who's using the flak jacket cheat?!\nRed: Not a cheat if you rank up.\nButters: Ugh. [goes over to Kenny] Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose. Then Katie Gelson was hanging out with him, and now she's a vampire too!\nKyle: Butters, there's no such thing as vampires.\nButters: [goes over to Kyle] But there is. You guys gotta believe me. First there was just a couple, but now it's like they're growing. They have fangs and drink blood and everything.\nCartman: All right Butters, well you go document the vampires' movements so we know what their intentions are.\nButters: Really? Do you think that's best?\nCartman: Yeah, now get out of here.\nButters: All right! [runs to the entrance, then turns around] If I don't make it back, tell my mom what happened to me. [turns back and runs out]\nCartman: Oh-hohhh, you got pwned, Bebe, you Jap bitch!\nScene Description: The school gym, day. Six kids sit on the bleachers in the otherwise empty building - four boys, two girls. They look somewhat like the Goth kids.\nLead Vampire: Isn't this cool? This time of day nobody's in the gym. We should make this one of our official South Park Vampires Club hangouts.\nSpiky Vampire: That's an awesome new coat, Mike. Looks totally badass.\nVampir: Don't call me Mike, my name is Vampir now.\nSpiky Vampire: Oh, that's cool.\nMidnight Vampire: [wears a coat showing arm bones] I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir.\nVampir: You can't, it's too close to Vampir. [Butters rises up from one end of the bleachers just enough to see the vampire kids]\nButters: [pulls out a tiny tape recorder and starts dictating into it] 12:32 p.m. Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium. Leader appears to be a fifth grader.\nSparkly Vampire: You know that girl Bella in Twilight? I think I'm like her. I'm a psi vampire. Do you like these sparkles I got?\nButters: [into his recorder] Annie Bartlett is a psi vampire.\nVampir: Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire, in that I rely more on the life force energy, per se.\nSpiky Vampire: Heh, yeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire, both psi and sanguinarian.\nButters: That's Ryan Ellis. Looks like they've gotten to him too.\nBloodrayne: Lunchtime's almost over. Should we drink some more blood?\nOther Vampires: Yeah! Cool!\nVampir: Yeah, and then I think it's time for us to feed, per se. [opens a bottle of Clamato and pours some into the Bloodrayne's goblet.]\nButters: Oh God I think they're gonna drink blood now. They've got some kind of chalice, and they're- [clock] uhn... [he's run out of tape. It rewinds to the very beginning and plays back]\nTape: [Butters' voice] Toot toododoo! [Butters frantically presses buttons trying to stop the tape] It's the Big Texas Butters show! And now here he is, Big Texas Butters! Why howdy there, partners. I'm Biiig Texas Butters. And this is my horse, Toast. Happy Trails, to youuu! [he turns off the tape record, relieved. Until he looks around and jumps from being startled] AAHHH!\nVampir: Ummm, what are you doing?\nButters: [jumps away and whips out a golden cross] Get back! You stay back! Hwa! Heah! The body of Christ compels you! The body of Christ compels you! [runs away without his tape recorder] Hwaaaahh!\nScene Description: The school hallway, later. Mike is at his locker\nBloodrayne: That kid was really scared of us.\nVampir: That's true, Bloodrayne. People are going to be frightened of us because they don't understand our ways, per se.\nSpiky Vampire: Yeah, we're cool, huh? [the Goth kids happen upon the Vampire kids]\nPete: What the hell are those kids doing?\nHenrietta: Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden?\nPete: Are they trying to be Goth?\nMichael: No, they're vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice.\nHenrietta: But they can't dress like that. That's our style.\nMidnight Vampire: Hey, Tommy Petros is thinking he might wanna be a Vamp kid too.\nVampir: Tommy Petros? Is he cool?\nBloodrayne: Yeah, he's cool enough.\nVampir: All right. [the Vamps and Goths face each other]\nPete: So, all of a sudden you Justin and Britney wannabes think it's cool to dress like us?\nVampir: We dress the way our souls feel, to express the darkness, per se.\nMichael: Aren't you Mike Makowski?\nVampir: That's Vampir Makowski now.\nHenrietta: You kids need to all go put your freakin' Banana Republic clothes back on, right now!\nSparkly Vampire: Hey, we're just as dark as you guys, maybe darker!\nPete: Really. Do you guys even smoke?\nVampir: Of course not. Smoking's bad for you.\nOther Vamps: Yeah.\nPete: [buries his face in his left hand] Oh my God.\nVampir: You know, you guys are really giving off a negative human energy. We prefer to take our darkness somewhere else, per se.\nPete: All right, Count Fagula, you go do that. [the Vamps leave]\nScene Description: Butters' house, after school. Butters runs inside in a panic, looks around, then heads for the sofa.\nButters: Mom, Mom, I gotta tell you somethin'! You're not gonna believe it!\nLinda: [sewing a scarf] Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy.\nButters: Oh no, what'd I do this time?\nLinda: You just march on in there.\nButters: [hangs his head and goes in] Oh jeez...\nScene Description: The kitchen. Butters walks in and looks at Stephen, who's by the sink waiting with his arms crossed. To his left are a glass of milk and a box of Hamburger Helper.\nStephen: You see this, Butters?! It's a glass of milk I poured for myself! And you see this?! [holds up the box] It's Hamburger Helper! Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! [Butters begins to tap his fists together, nervously] Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!\nButters: I have no idea, sir.\nStephen: I'll tell you why! [walks over to the pantry and opens the door] Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically! But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!\nButters: Uh, I'm sorry, Dad. I-It's just I've been really preoccupied lately. See, there are these kids at school, they were-\nStephen: What keeps a family together, Butters?!\nButters: A well-organized pantry.\nStephen: That's right! [starts throwing food out of the pantry on to the floor] If you keep putting food under the wrong letter, it all goes wrong! [stops] Now you will reorganize this entire pantry, and you will do it right!\nButters: Well, okay, but, Dad, you've gotta listen to me. Kids at school are starting to change. They've been acting-\nStephen: You do it right now or you're going to be grounded! You got that?!\nButters: [hangs his head] Yes, sir. [Stephen walks away. Butters turns to the task at hand and begins putting stuff away] Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me. It's like nobody even cares if there's vampires at the school. I try to help and all I ever do is get hollered at. I bet vampires never get hollered at. Vampires just get to do whatever they want. [stops and thinks]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, recess. The Vamp kids are on the merry-go-round gathered around Vampir\nVampir: [reading from a book] ...All mortals share a soft repose,My soul doth dreadful vigils keep, More keen than which hell scarcely knows.\nSparkly Vampire: What is that kid doing?\nButters: [walks towards them with hands outstretched] Oh Jesus, oh God, Butters, what are you doing? [pulls out the crucifix he used on them a few days before and sets it down on the snow, then continues towards them, hands outstretched] I- I'm Butters.\nVampir: So?\nButters: O creatures of the night, I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darnation and thus do... a-a-and thus do unto your bidding!\nVampir: What?\nButters: Oh, uh... I wanna be a vampire.\nCowlick Vampire: You're not cool enough to be one of us.\nButters: Yeah, I know, but uhhh, I think I would make a really good vampire if you just, well, just give me the opportunity.\nVampir: We'll think about it. Go get us some sodas out of the pop machine in the commons.\nButters: Yes! Yes, anything else?\nMidnight Vampire: I want some Cheetos.\nButters: Soda and Cheetos, yes. I'll be right back.\nScene Description: The Goth Corner at South Park Elementary. The Goth kids are listening to music as a soccer ball rolls to a stop in front of them.\nSinger: I'm not part of your society. I don't follow your fads and rules. Doctrines...\nBoy 1: [with dark blond hair] Where did it go? Do you see where it went?\nBoy 2: [with black hair] Yeah, it's right over there by those vampire kids. [Boy 1 retrieves the ball and walks away]\nPete: [delayed reaction] What? Hey. Hey! We aren't vampire kids, we're freakin' Goths!\nBoy 1: Whatever, Dracula, why don't you turn into a bat or something?\nMichael: So lame. So... lame...\nHenrietta: You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.\nMichael: Sooo lame! [two Vamps walk out of the door behind him]\nLittle Vamp: See? Isn't it cool back here? It's all dark and isolated.\nShades Vamp: This would be a great place for a Vampire meeting.\nHenrietta: Get out of our space, you little twerps!\nPete: More preppy straight-A students turning into vampires. What the hell is going on?\nScene Description: The woods, night. Butters is walking through them with drinks and some food. He reaches a small campfire where five of the six Vamps wait for him. Vampir is missing.\nButters: I have done what you've asked. [sets down the goods] A case of Dr Pepper and Cherry Twizzlers. Who are you gonna give this to? I-I mean, vampires can't eat people food.\nVampir: [walks into view] You have done well. Are you ready to become one of us, per se?\nButters: Yeah, I guess.\nVampir: Are you sure? Because once you're in South Park Vampire Society, you can't ever leave.\nButters: Well I'm sick of bein'- bein' pushed around. M-by my dad, by kids at school.\nVampir: Then it is time for your transformation, per se. Let it begin! [they all walk away, leaving behind the Dr. Pepper and Twizzlers. They walk to South Park Mall] This way. Prepare thyself. [the mall is still open, so they walk over to Hot Topic and enter. The Vamps begin checking out clothes for Butters to wear as a new Vamp. The Midnight Vamp gets some fake teeth with fangs while the Cowlick Vamp gets some necklaces and rings. They outfit Butters with them. The Sparkly Vamp gets some hairspray and she and the Spiky Vamp spray Butters' hair with it. Bloodrayne measures him for collars and bracelets. Finally, all six Vamps step away, and a new Vamp is born]\nButters: Whoa.\nVampir: And now you shall drink vampire blood, and your transformation will be complete, per se! [walks away and pours out a bottle of Clamato juice into a goblet for Butters to drink] With this, thy transformation is done. [Butters takes a sip, then immediately spits it out]\nButters: Oh, that tastes awful! Blagh, blagh. [the Vamps leave Hot Topic]\nVampir: It is finished! Welcome, Butters, to the South Park Society of Vampires. [Butters begins to laugh, then cackle.]\nScene Description: Butters' home, night. He walks into the living room, and Stephen runs up to him\nStephen: There you are, Butters! Do you know what time it is?! Where have you been?! [Butters just walks by]\nLinda: Butters, what have you done to your hair? [Butters heads for the stairs]\nStephen: Hey! Butters, we are talking to you! Explain yourself, mister! [Butters stops]\nButters: I no longer need to explain anything to you, Father!\nLinda: What on Earth?\nStephen: That does it! You are grounded for two weeks, you got that?!\nButters: You can't ground me! For I am neither living nor dead! How can thy ground that which is... ungroundable. [smiles knowingly. His parents are perplexed]\nStephen: All right, I don't know what's gotten into you, mister, but you're gonna- [Butters hisses at him] Ah!\nLinda: Butters? [Butters hisses at them a few times, and Linda clings to Stephen. Butters goes upstairs]\nButters: I am going to my room now! For I must slumber, per se. [his parents are stunned and just look at each other.]\nScene Description: Principal's Office, day\nPrincipal Victoria: Now, kids, I understand that you are very into this \"vampire\" thing, but I don't want to see it get out of hand. You kids need to understand that your new little fad is scary to some.\nPete: ...Oh my God. You've got the wrong flippin' people.\nMichael: [slowly, for emphasis] We aren't vampires.\nPrincipal Victoria: I know that you aren't really vampires, and I appreciate that you wanna be cool because vampires are the \"in\" thing right now, but-\nPete: We aren't trying to be popular!\nPrincipal Victoria: -but just make sure that this new little trend doesn't become a distraction. [the door opens behind the Goths]\nMr. Mackey: [enters with Vampir and two younger Vamps] Here's a couple more, Principal Victoria, hm'kay.\nVampir: Oh, oh no, are we in trouble?\nPrincipal Victoria: I was just telling your friends about what I expect of your-\nMichael: [slowly, for emphasis] We aren't friends!\nVampir: Don't worry, Ma'am. As I was just explaining to my new minions, vampires are actually very spiritual and deep beings, per se.\nScene Description: The waiting room outside the Principal's office. The Goths exit and immediately whip out smokes and lighters\nMichael: Allison Merch is a vampire kid now? This thing isn't going to stop.\nPete: Let's just face it: they bogarted our style! Everyone's gonna think we're trying to be butthole vampires now. We might as well go to the freakin' Gap and just buy normal clothes. [they all look at each other thoughtfully]\nScene Description: Goth Corner, a day or two later. The Goths are now dressed as normal kids, but their hair is still colored as before.\nPete: Well, at least nobody can refer to us as vampire kids now. [the soccer ball bounces towards the Goth kids again and stops in front of Henrietta]\nBoy 1: It went this way?\nBoy 3: [with very short hair] Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big-nosed kid, the midget, and the kid with pock marks on his face. [Boy 1 sees the ball, walks over, picks it up, and leaves]\nMichael: So we're back to that, are we?\nFirkle: Shit.\nPete: [stands up] Let's get out of these freakin' Gap clothes.\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's asleep with the covers off. All of a sudden, Butters is perched on the inside of Cartman's window doors. The other one is open. Butters hisses.\nButters: Sorry, Eric, but I am a vampire now, and I can no longer survive on human food. And if someone must die so that I can feed, I choose thee. [he jumps down from the window and hops onto Cartman's bed, ready to pounce on his throat. He wiggles his fingers, then relaxes them and grips Cartman's head and back] Hm, wonder which side I'm supposed to do it on, hm. Probably doesn't matter. [rears back and bites into Cartman's neck, making sucking sounds. Cartman wakes up and looks at him]\nCartman: Butters? [Butters continues] Butters?! [Butters backs up and then hops off the bed]\nButters: I can't do it. Ah, I- I can't do it!\nCartman: Dude, gross, you got spit all over my neck! Mom! Butters just gave me a hickey!\nButters: I'm so hungry, but just, just remembering how that blood tasted before ju- blood is all clammy and tomato-y. It makes me wanna... [he vomits on Cartman's floor]\nCartman: Dude! [Liane enters]\nLiane: You all right, sweetie?\nButters: [advances and hisses at Liane, then runs out through the window and crashes to the ground outside.] U-huh. [bumps into something] Ow.\nLiane: What's going on?\nCartman: Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay, finds me very attractive, and, confused about his sexual identity, puked up all over my floor!\nLiane: Oh dear.\nCartman: Yes.\nScene Description: Henrietta's room, later. The Goth kids are hanging out there.\nMichael: I walked into the cafeteria today. Rebecca Miller and Philip Russ were dressed like vampires drinking Clamato juice with four kids from the football team.\nFirkle: Jesus.\nPete: It's like, there's more vampire kids every freakin' day. Why is this happening, I mean... why now?\nMichael: Doesn't matter why. Pretty soon, the whole school is going to be an endless hive of conformist happy-go-lucky vampire wannabes.\nHenrietta: It seems like that preppy Mike Makowski kid started all this. Maybe he's the way to stopping it.\nPete: Whattaya mean?\nHenrietta: I mean, what do you do when you want to change vampires back to normal? You get rid of the head vampire.\nScene Description: A car night. The Goth kids are in it, with Henrietta at the wheel\nPete: Does your mom know you took her car?\nHenrietta: Do I care?\nMichael: All right, this is probably good enough.\nPete: Yeah, pull over here. [Henrietta pulls over, and the Goth kids leave the car. Henrietta stops by the trunk and pops it open. Inside is Vampir, all tied up.]\nVampir: [tied up and gagged] (Please, what do you want?! Let me go!)\nMichael: What should we do with him?\nPete: Well, if he's a vampire, I guess we should drive a stake through his heart.\nVampir: (No! I'm not really a vampire! I'm not a vam-, I'm not a vampire!)\nMichael: [leans in and puts his hand to his left ear] What's that?\nVampir: (I'm not really a vampire.)\nMichael: You're not really a vampire? Really? I'm so freaking shocked. [moves off and joins the other Goths]\nPete: If we get the right packaging, we can just FedEx him somewhere far way.\nMichael: How about we send him to Transylvania?\nPete: No, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.\nHenrietta: If we're gonna send him somewhere, it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.\nGoths: [after a few seconds of contemplation] Scottsdale.\nScene Description: The Stotch house. Butters' parents are upstairs. Linda is pounding on the door trying to get Butters to open it.\nLinda: Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? [tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Unbelievable! He's locked the door. [She and Stephen change places and Stephen tries opening the door, but it won't open. He pounds on the door.]\nStephen: Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey! [Butters is in his bed, his arms crossed over his chest. On the headboard are four lit candles. He's hyperventilating] Butters?! Butters, you will open this door right now!\nButters: What have I done to myself? I should have known I wouldn't have the stomach to be a vampire. I am so hungry.\nStephen: Butters, you have five seconds to unlock this door! [counts up with his fingers] One! Two! [the door is unlocked and opened a little. Stephen pushes the door in and it creaks. Stephen and Linda enter slowly. They see his window is wide open and he's not in bed. There are lit candles everywhere] Uhh, Bu-Butters?\nButters: Hey Dad. [he's crouching on top of his bookcase and startles Stephen]\nStephen: AAAARH! Buh. Bu-Butters, did you get gay with one of your schoolmates tonight?!\nButters: I have to eat! But I can't do it. I'm getting weak.\nStephen: [angrily] All right! Now you listen, and you listen good! Until you stop behaving this way, you are not going to leave this room! Do you understand?!\nButters: Dahhh. [hops down from the bookcase and tries to hop onto his toy box, but he trips and lands on the floor. He gets up, climbs onto the toy box and crouches on the window sill, and hisses at them] I know now what I have to do! [hops down to the ground outside] Myah!\nLinda: [walks over to the open window] Stephen, what has happened to our boy?\nStephen: [joins her there] He's become something, Linda. Something that... we cannot ground.\nScene Description: Village Inn, night. The Goths are inside drinking coffee and moping around\nMichael: I just. Don't. Get it. We sent the head vampire kid to Scottsdale, but still more and more kids are dressing up like vampires.\nHenrietta: He must not have been what was causing it. It must be something else.\nWaitress: Hey you kids gonna order any food or just sit there and drink coffee all night again? [pours them another round]\nHenrietta: Leave us alone!\nWaitress: Bad enough I always get stuck with you Goth kids, now I got Goth kids in my entire section. [she points to them with her left thumb; there are two booths bursting with Vamps. One has seven Vamps, the other has nine]\nPete: They aren't Goth! They're douchey little vampire kids!\nWaitress: Looks the same to me.\nPete: I bet they aren't even drinking coffee.\nWaitress: [turns to face the Vamps] No, they said they're too young to drink caffeine, so they're havin' orange juice. [turns left and walks away. Pete drops his head on the table and keeps it there]\nHenrietta: Let's go over there and tell them they're not taking Village Inn from us too.\nPete: Forget it! It's over, all right? There's too many of them now. We can't stop them. Let's just face it. Freakin' vampires beat us.\nButters: Maybe not. [hisses. He's on all fours on the ledge behind the booths] Did you say you're trying to get rid of the vampires? [crawls closer to the Goths] I want to help you.\nHenrietta: Get away, douchebag.\nButters: Some legends say that if you destroy the vampires' lair, the vampires go back to being human again.\nPete: What are you talking about?\nButters: I can take you... to the place where kids are being transformed into vampires. [the Goths look at each other]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, sometime later. Butters leads the Goths to the Place of Transformation, Hot Topic.\nPete: Awww, Hot Topic? When did this open?\nButters: Two weeks ago. It used to be a Banaaana Repuuubliiic.\nMichael: Of course. Freaking Hot Topic. That explains everything.\nPete: How did we not figure that out? Of course a new Hot Topic must have come to town. Duh!\nHenrietta: Well, I think we all know what has to be done.\nMichael: Yup.\nPete: Let's get to it. [they turn and head into the store. They get aerosol cans and fan out across the store, start spraying, and light the sprays with their lighters, turning the cans into makeshift flamethrowers]\nSinger: Burn down down, burn down Hot Topic. Don't let it steal your soul away. Burn down, burn down Hot Topic. Light the fire. Take control. Burn down, burn down Hot Topic. Don't let it take your soul. Burn down, burn down, burn down Hot Topic. And take control. Burn down... Hot Topic. Burn it down... Hot Topic.\nScene Description: While the song is playing, the following happens: Michael is the first to torch some clothes. Henrietta follows with the belts and scarves. Pete begins to torch the jewelry\nClerk: Hey, what the hell are you doing?!\nPete: You should probably get out of here. [Firkle torches some clothes. Henrietta torches the fake teeth and products with fangs on them. Michael torches the sign announcing 25% off body jewelry and fashion belts. Outside, Bloodrayne and the Spiky Vamp arrive in shock]\nSpiky Vamp: What the hell are they doing??\nButters: They're putting an end to it! [the clerk runs out of the store]\nClerk: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! [the Goths continue torching the store until it's thoroughly engulfed in flames, then they walk out and leave. The Hot Topic sign above the entrance crashes to the floor.]\nScene Description: The Stotch house, night. Linda is sewing again, Stephen is reading the South Park Gazette.\nButters: [enters the living room happily] Mom, Dad! [closes the front door, runs to the sofa, and stands on the sofa between them.] I changed back!\nStephen: What?\nButters: Goth kids burned down the Hot Topic, and sure enough, soon as they did I tried eatin' a hot dog and it tasted good. My vampire teeth even fell out when I bit into it. I'm human again!\nLinda: We have no idea what you're talking about, Butters, but we're glad you're home.\nStephen: That's right son. There's only one thing I care about.\nButters: What's that, Dad?\nStephen: Well, would you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!\nButters: Uh oh.\nStephen: Butters, you are grounded!\nButters: Aw, dang it![walks up the stairs to his room.]\nStephen: It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more. [they hug each other]\nScene Description: The South Park Elementary School gym, day. The Goth kids address the rest of the school, who are seated on the bleachers\nPete: [at the mic] Fellow students. Over the past week there's been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assembly to clarify the difference between Goth kids and Vampire kids. Let us make it abundantly clear: if you hate life, truly hate the sun, and need to smoke and drink coffee, you are Goth. If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's \"fun\", enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded. [everyone begins to applaud the speech. During the applause, Michael steps up to the mic and gives everyone the finger]\nMichael: Fuck all of you."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Clyde, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Token, Jimmy, and Craig are at the school cafeteria, looking at someone from across the room.\nCartman: Would you look at that? It's just incredible, isn't it?\nStan: I still can't believe it, even though it's right there in front of me.\nKyle: Yeah, it's just so astounding.\nCartman: Well, believe it friends. The impossible has happened. [the boys are looking at Kenny and a girl eating alone together at another table.] Kenny has a girlfriend.\nCraig: Yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend.\nKyle: This is serious. They've been going out for almost two weeks now.\nJimmy: Well, so, w-who is she?\nCartman: Her name's Tammy Warner. She's the only girl in school whose family is actually poorer than Kenny's. It's really kind of beautiful if you ask me.\nButters: [runs up to the boys' table] Hey, you guys! You guys, I think we have a big problem!\nStan: What?\nButters: [panting softly] Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend!\nStan: Yeah, dude, Tammy Warner. She's a fifth grader.\nButters: Um, does Kenny like her?\nKyle: I guess so. She's, like, his first real girlfriend ever.\nButters: Oh, no. Oh, geez!\nCartman: [getting irritated] Butters, what's the problem?\nButters: Well, I just talked to Brad Dixon. Tammy Warner is bad news. All the fifth graders call her a slut, on account of she gave this kid Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.\nKyle: What?!\nButters: It's true! Ask anybody in fifth grade. \"Tammy Warner is a total slut!\"\nCartman: That bitch! Kenny gave his heart to her, and she's just gonna throw it in his face!\nJimmy: Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to t-tell me.\nStan: [sighs] All right, come on, guys. [leaves the table with Kyle and Cartman.]\nButters: Hey, Jimmy, what's a B.J.?\nScene Description: At the school hall, two girls walk by. One of them chats away at the other.\nGirl 1: So, anyway, I passed him a note, but then Johnny... [Kenny walks alone down a different hall. Stan catches up to him]\nStan: Kenny! Hey, hey, Kenny! [Kyle and Cartman are with him]\nKenny: (Oh, hi, guys.)\nStan: Listen, Kenny, we need to talk about your new girlfriend.\nKenny: (What about her?)\nStan: [sighs and lowers his head] Oh, boy.\nKyle: Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but...\nKenny: (But what?)\nKyle: W-well, we've heard that she's...\nCartman: Kenny. [deep sigh, puts his right hand on Kenny's back for sympathy] Your girlfriend is a notorious whore. She even gave a kid named Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.\nKenny: [afraid, high voice] (Huh?)\nCartman: Your girlfriend's a slut, dude.\nKenny: (Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, hey, yay!) [jumps for joy, dances down the hall, makes a right and runs off.]\nCartman: [moments later] He took it pretty well.\nScene Description: Tammy is at her locker putting some books away. Kenny skips around the corner, sees her, and runs up to her.\nKenny: [cheerfully] (Hey, Tammy!)\nTammy: Hi, Ken. You decide what you wanna do after school?\nKenny: (Yeah, I was kinda thinking we could go to TGI Friday's.)\nTammy: TGI Friday's?\nKenny: (Yep. I like the food!)\nTammy: Yeah, okay. But... [walks away a few steps] Kenny. Listen. Uh, there's somethin' I need to talk to you about. There's a lot of rumors goin' around about me, that I agreed to give a boy a B.J.? Well, it's true. [Kenny dances with glee, but Tammy doesn't see this. She gets apologetic] But it was before you and I were together, and it wasn't my fault! [Kenny stops dancing] See, I was watchin' the Disney Channel, and that show came on with the Jonas Brothers.\nKenny: (Jonas Brothers?)\nTammy: You know that teenage boy band? Every time I see them I get so tingly. I just completely lose control. [Kenny starts dancing again] And then Dave Darsky showed up and took me to TGI Friday's, [Kenny stops] and it just happened. But it was only for one second, and I had my eyes closed. I know it's terrible. Can you... can you forgive me, Ken? [Kenny walks up to her, puts a consoling hand on her shoulder, and sighs]\nScene Description: At the Ticketmaxx store, Kenny is at the counter making a purchase.\nClerk: There you are, young man. Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert.\nKenny: (Thanks.) [turns around and walks out with his tickets]\nScene Description: Outside, Cartman, Stan and Kyle wait for him.\nCartman: The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you? [Kenny continues walking, the other three join him as he walks across the parking lot]\nKyle: Aren't those the queermos on the Disney Channel?\nKenny: (Yeah. Tammy said if I got her the tickets for the concert, she would give me a B.J.!)\nStan: A B.J.?\nKyle: You want Tammy to give you a B.J.?\nKenny: (Of course, dude!)\nCartman: [forcibly stops Kenny] Kenny! You're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!\nStan: Yeah, dude, that's gross.\nKenny: [turns right and leaves the other boys behind] (I don't care. I've gotta get some protection.)\nKyle: What kind of protection?\nScene Description: At the drugstore, Kenny walks into it towards the counter. The other boys follow him in.\nKenny: (I'd like a box of condoms, please.)\nClerk 2: Box of condoms. Certainly, little boy. What kind would you like?\nKenny: (Uhm, I'll take one of those.)\nClerk 2: These here? Why, certainly. [The Clerk reaches for a box on a rack and hands it to Kenny. Kenny reads the cover: \"Big Mamba. The world's #1 condom. Trusted for over 50 years.\"]\nKenny: (Cool!) [Kenny pays for the condoms and turns to head out the door]\nKyle: Kenny, aren't you a little young for this?\nKenny: (No, I'm not young and I want a B.J.)\nCartman: [reaches out to Kenny and stops him] Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?\nKenny: (Yep! Woo-hoo!) [skips away]\nScene Description: The Denver Pepsi Center, night. The Jonas Brothers are headlining. Inside is a stadium full of tween girls all cheering for the Jonas Brothers to come out.\nTammy: Go, baby! Whoooo! Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here. Isn't this awesome? [the lights go out and cameras begin to take pictures of the stage. Soon the stage lights come up and the Jonas Brothers appear. The girls go wild]\nScene Description: First song.\nJoe Jonas: I'm ready to get it on. But there's no gettin' on until I'm ready. Too soon, slow down. Take it easy, oh, my girl, I need your love. Bay-bay!\nJonas Brothers: I can't wait till the day I kiss you. Until then I have to tease you. 'Cause my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty. She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty.\nJoe: Bay-bay! I'm hot.\nNick Jonas: He's hot.\nScene Description: In the audience during the song. The girls react in various ways. Tammy first looks on, then shrieks uncontrollably.\nLittle Girl: [putting her hands over her crotch] My 'giney tickles! [she scratches her crotch to stop the tickles. Most other girls do the same thing]\nTammy: [grabs onto Kenny's parka] Oh, my God. It's that tingling again. [a girl has left her seat and is in an aisle gyrating her butt up and down. Tammy gets up on her seat and screams towards the band] I love you! [she's shocked at what she just said, then begins dancing in her seat. Kenny sits in his seat unenthused, wondering when the payoff is coming.]\nScene Description: Second song.\nJoe: Tell me how was I to know?\nJonas Brothers: You'd take your love and go.\nJoe: Was it 'cause I wanted to wait till we were married...\nJonas Brothers: To put my arm around you?\nJoe: The seasons change.\nKevin Jonas: Bay-bay!\nJoe: And the world goes round.\nNick: The world goes round and round and round.\nScene Description: In the audience during the song. The girls continue cheering. Tammy stands on her seat, speechless. A little girl runs up on stage, hugs one of the singers, and is hauled away by security. Tammy dances again.\nScene Description: Third song.\nJonas Brothers: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time. Can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while. 'Cause, yeah yeah, girl, we can take it slow, so we have room to grow. And then someday we can get it on. Until then, go back to Montreal.\nJoe: 'Cause I still love you, bay-bay!\nNick: Love you, bay-bay!\nKevin: Bay-bay!\nScene Description: In the audience during the song. A girl is carried out on a stretcher.\nTammy: Whoooooo! [a toddler makes her way towards the stage by climbing over the rows of cheering girls] Aaah-oww! You're so hot, Kevin! I love you, Joe!\nMr. Slave: JESUS CHRIST!\nJonas Brothers: Good night, Denver. We love you all! [skips off the stage] We love you, Denver! [skips off the stage] Good night! [skips off the stage]\nScene Description: The stage lights go down, the stadium lights come up, and the girls begin to file out of the Pepsi Center.\nTammy: Oh, my God, I am so worked up! I just want to attack you, Kenny!\nKenny: (All right! Come on, let's get to the parking lot. Woo-hoo!) [grabs her hand and they walk towards the exit]\nUsher: And, uh, you too, little girl in the red.\nTammy: [looks over her shoulder] Huh?\nUsher: Band would like you to come backstage. You, too, little girl in the puppy T-shirt. [the blonde girl looks down at her shirt, shrieks, and makes her way to the usher]\nTammy: They want me to come backstage? Oh, my God!\nKenny: [pulling at Tammy] (No, no, we're going to your place now!)\nTammy: It's a dream come true! [Tammy lets go of Kenny and goes down the aisle towards the usher]\nKenny: [gives chase] (Hey!)\nUsher: All right, right this way, girls.\nRoadie: Yeah, come on in everyone. The band is waiting for you. [quickly blocks Kenny from entering.] Uh, not you. [kicks Kenny aside a few times]\nKenny: (No, fuck that, dude! I bought the fucking tickets!) [the roadie closes the door and Kenny starts pounding on it] (Hey! What the fuck?!)\nRoadie 2: [in a sensuous voice] The Jonas Brothers will be right out, girls. [leaves]\nGirl in Puppy T-shirt: Why do you think they called us back here?\nFat Girl: They must-a wanna have sex with us.\nTammy: What? You think so?\nFat Girl: Sure, they're a band. They called us back here so we can give them blowjobs.\nGirl in Puppy T-shirt: Well, I'm not doing it! Just 'cause they're rock stars doesn't mean I'll do that!\nGirl in O T-shirt: Yeah, I'm not giving a blowjob to anybody!\nTammy: Me neither. [suddenly the brothers appear]\nJonas Brothers: Hey, there, girls! [all of a sudden the girls' mouths pop open as their jaws drop. As the brothers talk, they strike poses]\nJoe: Hey, listen, we saw you out there in the audience.\nNick: Yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there.\nFat Girl: Let's just get to the blowjobs.\nJoe: Blow whats?\nKevin: [to his brothers] I don't know. [to the girls] Look, we called you back here because we want to share our love of Christ with you.\nNick: And see if you'll wear purity rings from now on.\nTammy: [perplexed] Purity rings?\nJoe: We all wear purity rings. It means we are going to be pure and not have sex until we're married.\nKevin: And it means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid people who swear and watch naughty TV shows.\nNick: That's just how we roll.\nKevin: Yeah.\nNick: Yeah. [they high-five each other. In a wide shot, we see Kenny peering in on the exchange through a transom window.]\nJoe: So, what do ya say, girls? You wanna be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too?\nThe Girls: [mesmerized] Okay.\nKevin: And be sure to give a ring to all the kids you care about, 'cause it's the hip new way to roll.\nScene Description: The neighborhood bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman wait for the school bus to arrive. A somber Kenny walks in from right of frame.\nCartman: Well well well, here he comes. It's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.\nStan: So how did it go last night? [Kenny breathes in deep and sighs, takes off his left glove and shows the other boys the purity ring Tammy gave him]\nKyle: What's that?\nKenny: (A purity ring.)\nCartman: Purity ring?\nKenny: (Yeah, it's a purity ring.)\nKyle: ...Well, what does that mean?\nKenny: (It means I'm gonna be pure and not have sex until I get married.)\nStan: Dude, you? We thought you really wanted to have a B.J. before you got too old an-\nKenny: (I did! I was really excited to get a B.J. but now I have to wear this motherfucking purity ring!)\nKyle: Alright alright Kenny, calm down. You're too young to be getting B.J.s anyway. It's good you and Tammy are making a commitment to each other that isn't based on sex.\nKenny: (Yeah.) [Kenny crosses his arms and tries his best to be agreeable with Kyle, but looks at his left ring finger and uncrosses his arms, breaking the act] (It isn't fair I was so close to getting a blow job and I'll never get one now - this is fucking bullshit...) [Kenny walks away bawling. The other boys just watch him leave]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are playing basketball with Craig, Clyde, and Token. Kyle tosses the ball to Craig, who tosses it back to him. Kyle then tosses the ball to Token...\nButters: [runs up to the boys] Fellas! Hey fellas! I heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner.\nKyle: Yeah, but it's okay Butters. They have purity rings now.\nButters: Uh, what's that?\nStan: They're rings that says they're not gonna have sex or do anything naughty anymore.\nButters: [gets pensive] Huh... a ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... Isn't that called a wedding ring? [Stan and Kyle look at each other]\nScene Description: Montage.\nJonas Brothers: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do. Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay right, just and true. I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble, 'Cause now we're both wearing these rings for each other. But who needs sex and drugs and partying When we can cook a meal, then sit around and watch Netflix... Bay-bay! I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave. No need to chase after girls; it's a promise I can never break. I made a commitment and it is forever, So we can spend every waking minute together. And if we get bored it won't be a problem, 'Cause we can just hang out with other couples who wear these rings... Bay-bay!\nScene Description: Kenny walks down a side street alone. He looks at his purity ring, still on his finger. Joe leads the Jonas Brothers in a song. Kenny looks out the living room window as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman toilet-paper the houses across the street. Kenny visits Tammy and they both stare at their rings. Kenny stares from afar as Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Craig and Jimmy put the finishing touch on a snowman - a huge penis and set of balls, propped up by a twig. Kenny walks off, unable to enjoy the project. Kenny and Tammy eat frozen dinners at her table as she studies. Kenny and Tammy watch TV on her sofa, but Kenny is bored and has his head resting on his right hand. A shot of the Jonas Brothers. Kenny looks at two sluts walk by, his left hand stretched out. They ignore him. Kenny and Tammy stand in the middle of the Farmer's Market as people walk by around them. Kenny is back at Tammy's eating frozen dinner. Another shot of the Jonas Brothers. Kenny and Tammy sit on a bench at Stark's Pond. They're in Tammy's living room watching TV again. Now they're in a group meeting of purity couples.\nPurity Boy 1: Yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings, it's best to hang out with other couples that do. Got more in common. Isn't that right, Sarah?\nPurity Boy 2: You know? What Carole and I enjoy is Grey's Anatomy. We love Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Carole?\nPurity Boy 3: We adore Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Nancy?\nNancy: Adore it. Kenny and Tammy, do you watch Grey's Anatomy?\nPurity Boy 1: We look forward to it all week long. [chuckles. Sarah laughs with him]\nPurity Boy 3: Sure is sweet.\nPurity Boy 1: It's the most fun I've had in weeks. [laughter]\nJonas Brothers: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do. What I cannot do. Bay... bay... Baaay... Baybay. Baybay. Baaaybaaaaay.\nScene Description: Turns out the Jonas Brothers were shooting a video.\nDirector: Aaand cut. Great video shoot, guys.\nJoe: This is bullpucky!\nKevin: Yeah, we've had it, Goshdarnit!\nDirector: Uh oh, looks like we've got a problem.\nScene Description: The director's office, moments later.\nJoe: Our decision is final! We have decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore!\nKevin: Yeah, you tell 'em, Joe.\nDisney Exec 1: Boys, I know you're tired, but the purity rings are important to the company's image.\nJoe: We don't care about the company.\nDirector: And you're gonna say that to the boss's face?\nKevin: We aren'-we aren't afraid of him.\nDisney Exec 2: Well, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here. Now.\nDisney Exec 3: [looks out the door] Oh Jesus, he's here. The boss is here!\nKevin: Let's be strong, guys.\nDisney Exec 3: [opens the door just a crack and looks out again] Hello sir. How was your trip? [the door flies open and in walks a swaggering Mickey Mouse]\nMickey: [looks around] What's all this I'm hearing about not wearing the purity rings, haha?\nDirector: Uh we'll just leave you alone. [he and the other executives clear out of the room]\nMickey: So uh, I guess we have some issues, haha?\nKevin: We... need to talk about something.\nMickey: Oh boy! I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems, haha.\nJoe: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music, and not about purity rings.\nMickey: Oh Gosh, fellas, let me explain this to you one more time. You have to wear the purity rings because that's how we can sell sex to little girls, haha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks baaad, haha.\nJoe: Well we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls anymore.\nMickey: The rings stay on!\nJoe: Well, well, maybe we'll just refuse to go onstage. [Mickey walks over and punches him in the balls. Joe groans and falls forward to the ground]\nMickey: [Mickey kicks Joe's his body with every accented word] You DON'T... FUCKING...TALK to me...Like THAT, haha. You LITTLE... PIECE of... SHIT, Haha! [Joe coughs up some blood] Get the fuck up. Get the fuck up! Haha. [Joe begins to stand, then gets some help from his brother. Mickey wipes his gloves clean] Now, do we have a problem?! Haha.\nNick: No, sir.\nKevin: No, Mr. Mouse.\nJoe: [softly] No, Mr. Mouse.\nMickey: Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there, haha. [heads for the door] Alright now, get out there and make me some Goddamned money! Haha. [shuts the door behind him as he leaves. A picture of the brothers falls from the back of the door and shatters on the floor.]\nScene Description: A bookstore, day. Kenny looks at some Jonas Brothers DVDs. Kyle walks into view in the fiction section.\nKyle: Yup, he's in here. [Stan and Cartman appear behind him, then they all exit frame, reappearing at the video section.]\nStan: Dude, what the hell are you doing, Kenny?! This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together!\nKyle: We've had just about enough, dude! You've been blowing us off for two weeks now! What's up?!\nKenny: [unusually resigned] (Look at this. More DVDs.) [shows the DVD to the guys]\nCartman: [takes the DVD and looks at the front cover. Kenny freezes with his left hand held out] Grey's Anatomy?! Kenny! What kind of douchebag garbage are you watching?!\nStan: Come on, Kenny, this isn't you. We want you back, dude.\nCartman: [notices that Kenny has stopped responding.] Kenny? Kenny? [snaps his fingers] Kenny? [snaps his fingers again] Wanna look at Playboy? [snaps his fingers again] Wanna, wanna get high sniffin' paint? Kenny?\nStan: [takes the DVD from Cartman and hands it back to Kenny] You want your Grey's Anatomy back, Kenny?\nKenny: [starts responding and takes the DVD] (Oh, Grey's Anatomy. Cool! Oh man, this is a great season. Look at all this stuff, so cool.)\nStan: [takes Kyle and Cartman aside] You guys, I think this is serious. There's something really wrong with him.\nKyle: It's that ring. Somehow, putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd.\nCartman: [notices something on the shelf next to him] Oh my God, look at this! [grabs it and looks at it] Motherfucker!\nStan: What? [he and Kyle walk up to get a better look - it's Teen Pop Magazine with Jonas Brothers on the cover]\nCartman: \"Jonas Brothers talk music, faith in God, and purity rings.\" These Disney douche bags are the ones causing all this! [throws the magazine to the floor]\nKyle: Yeah, this all happened the day after he went to that concert!\nStan: All right, come on guys, we're not sitting back and watching our friend die! [he and Cartman leave. Kyle stays in place a while, then walks back to Kenny, patting him on the back]\nKyle: Hold tight, buddy. We're gonna find a cure for you. [runs off to catch up with the other two boys. Kenny is left caressing the DVD]\nKenny: (Yeah...)\nScene Description: A morning show airs, its graphics showing up first.\nAnnouncer: Live from Five News Studio in Colorado, it's Good Mornin' Denver.\nHost: We are joined this morning by the Disney supergroup the Jonas Brothers. Hello boys. [the girls in the audience begin to shriek. Each of the brothers holds a mic]\nJoe: Hello.\nHost: Now, tell us what you're doin' here in Denver, guys.\nJoe: Uh, we're gonna be doin' a live concert from Red Rocks tonight that will be live-broadcast on the Disney Channel.\nMickey: [in the control tent with an engineer] In 3-D. Don't forget to mention in 3-D.\nKevin: Oh, oh-and it's gonna be in 3-D. [the girls shriek again]\nHost: Now, guys, a lot has been made about your \"purity rings\". Can you tell us about those?\nJoe: Well. Um. [Joe holds up his left hand, palm in, to show off his ring. His brothers do the same seconds later] We, we wear these to symbolize how pure we are and how we ...um don't approve of things that are naughty or filthy.\nMickey: Yeah, that's good. Get a close-up on their purity rings. Close-up on the purity rings, haha. [the engineer responds]\nHost: That's wonderful, boys. [the camera zooms in on Joe's left ring finger, on which his purity ring rests] It's good that little girls can see a concert and not have it be about sex. We understand that at the concert tonight you'll be dousing girls in the audience with white foam. Is that correct?\nNick: Uh huh.\nJoe: Yeah. Uh huh.\nKevin: Yeah.\nNick: Yeah.\nHost: Well can you give our audience a peek? [to the audience] What do you say girls? Do you want the Jonas Brothers to douse you with their white foam? [the girls shriek again. The brothers whip out some high-pressure hoses with bags of foam attached to them and proceed to spray the audience with streams of white foam. One of their songs plays in the background]\nMickey: Oh boy! This is TV gold, haha. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman enter the street and make their way through the audience]\nStan: Excuse us. Excuse us.\nGirl 2: Hey, what do you think you're doing?!\nHost: That's great stuff, boys. You like takin' the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?\nCartman: Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers are assholes!\nStan: Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche!\nJoe: Huh?\nKyle: What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids?!\nMickey: [takes notice] Who the hell are these guys? [takes off his shades and tosses them aside] Are they from DreamWorks? Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt this company again, haha?\nCartman: This whole thing is a freaking sham! I see what you're doin' now! You're tryin' to sell sex to young girls and then confuse them by [a dart strike him in the neck and knocks him out quick] teh- ...tehhhh [falls on his face]\nKyle: Cartman?\nMickey: You aren't ruining my plans this time, DreamWorks, haha! [drops a dart into a blowpipe]\nStan: Dude, who the hell did that? [a dart hits him in the neck] Hwa? [another one hits Kyle in the neck]\nKyle: D'ow... [they both fall over unconscious.]\nScene Description: Some time later, the boys are just now coming to. A POV shot. One of them has opened his eyes and his vision is quite fuzzy. Voices and noises echo around him.\nVoice 1: Fifteen minutes, that's fifteen minutes, people!\nVoice 2: Get another mic on that drum kit!\nMickey: They almost ruined everything, haha. How did something like this happen, haha? [walks up and gets in the boy's face] Wake up. Wake up, you little prick! Haha. [the boy is alert now] Who do you work for? DreamWorks? [cut to a wide shot revealing a disheveled Stan being held up by his hat. Nearby, Cartman and Kyle are still unconscious.] Answer me, haha!\nStan: We... don't work for anybody.\nMickey: [lets Stan's head drop to the floor] Oh boy, I sure believe that, haha. [Cartman wakes up. Kyle stirs] You just tried to ruin Disney Company's big night for your own amusement, huh?! Haha.\nCartman: The hell did you do to us?!\nMickey: SHUT UP! [kicks Cartman in the balls, making him sit on his ass] Haha.\nScene Description: Red Rocks, that night. The concert begins.\nAnnouncer: And now, Disney Channel presents... the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert spectacular! [the graphic says \"the 3D Concert Experience\"] Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado! [the young girl fans are there cheering and wearing 3-D glasses]\nMale Host: Truly a night of magic as we're set for the biggest concert event of the year!\nFemale Host: In about ten minutes, the Jonas Brothers are going to take the stage in what Disney is calling \"the most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia.\"\nScene Description: A Christian living room.\nBlonde Girl: Do we put the 3-D glasses on now, da-da?\nFather: Not yet, Katie.\nMale Host: Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars.\nScene Description: Tammy's living room. She and Kenny sit apart.\nKenny: [depressed] (And not getting a blowjob...)\nMale Host: We understand the Jonas Brothers are getting ready. What's going on backstage must be exciting.\nScene Description: Backstage. Mickey is facing the boys with a chainsaw in hand. He revs it up.\nMickey: You'd better start talkin', haha! [Stan covers his face, then removes his hands] You'd better start talkin' right now, haha!\nStan: We told you: we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night.\nKyle: We came on our own 'cause our friend's purity ring is killing him.\nMickey: You're lying! I'll cut you up, haha!\nJoe: You see? We were right about the purity rings! A nice Christian symbol can't be used for profit gains.\nKevin: We've all angered God.\nMickey: [walks up to them with the chainsaw and revs it up against the boys, who cringe a bit] You think God is in control here, haha?! I am in control! I've been in control since the '50s in case you haven't noticed, haha! [throws the chainsaw aside] You three faggots are going onstage, and [points at the boys] YOU three faggots aren't going to stop me! NOBODY IS RUINING THIS EVENT!! Haha. I've worked too long and too hard to have anybody [Kyle notices he's next to the mic control desk and surreptitiously turns up the Mic 1 slider] fuck this up! [this causes Mickey's voice to be heard by the audience, who quiet down] Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Haha. Your music sucks and you know it! Haha. It's because you make little girls' 'ginies tickle! And when little girls' 'ginies tickle, I make money! Haha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid! Haha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want! Haha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, haha! And do you know why?! [Cartman sees the curtain control button and presses it. The curtain rises revealing Mickey Mouse to the audience] Because Christians are retard-ed! Haha. [Mickey is facing the boys, so he doesn't notice anything happening behind him yet] They believe in a talking dead guy! Haha. [having heard his own echo, he blanches and turns around. He now sees the audience] Ohhh. Haha. Hello, folks.\nAudience: BOOO!!\nMickey: Now now, take it easy, haha. Here's the Jonas Brothers.\nJoe: Come on guys. [the brothers turn left and walk offstage and the booing continues]\nMickey: No! Stop! Bring them back here!\nRoadie: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out.\nMickey: NO! NO GODDAMNIT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT! UP! AAAAAAGH! [Mickey suddenly blows up to a height of some 40 feet and starts breathing fire on the audience. The girls scatter]\nFather: [walks up to the TV and turns it off] That's it girls. No more Disney TV for a while.\nScene Description: Channel 4 Breaking News.\nReporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D Television Special has failed, costing the Disney Company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit.\nMickey: [floating over the city like a Thanksgiving Day float] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer, haha.\nReporter: The Disney purity ring venture will now most likely prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed. [Kenny offers Tammy the Grey's Anatomy DVD, but she looks at her purity ring]\nTammy: Aw Ken, look what we've become. We're way too young to be this boring.\nKenny: (I agree. Let's put in this DVD and watch Grey's Anatomy.)\nTammy: No! I don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy, Ken. Let's take off these rings, Ken.\nKenny: (Take off the ring? You can take off the ring??) [throws away the DVD] (Really?)\nTammy: Let's take them off and just be kids again. There'll be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s and we're boring and lame anyway.\nKenny: (Yeah. Screw this crap!) [as one they take off their rings and throw them to the floor and hug each other]\nTammy: Oh I feel better already!\nKenny: (Me too!)\nTammy: What say you and me... go to TGI Fridays?\nKenny: [jumps for joy] (Woo-hoo!!) [takes her hand and runs out the door with her]\nScene Description: A funeral, some days later. Father Maxi is leading the service.\nFather Maxi: And so, as we commit this young child to the earth, let us all be reminded that syphilis is still a deadly disease, and it can be caught even if using protection. This young boy learned the hard way that there's no guarantee... For the world of oral sex is a world...\nCartman: [during the eulogy] I told him... A woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.\nKyle: Well, now we know.\nCartman: And knowing is half the battle."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, night. A shot of a newspaper, the South Park Herald. Some headlines are: \"Crime Rate Up,\" \"No End In Sight!!\" The camera zooms out to reveal the newspaper lying on the street, hanging over the curb. Dramatic music plays as a car zooms past the paper.\nCartman: [voice over] The city isn't what it used to be. It all happened so fast. Everything went to crap. It's like... everyone's sense of morals just... disappeared. Bad economy made things worse. [A shot of Tele's TV store \"Closed until further notice due to BAD ECONOMY\"] The jobs started drying up. Then the stores had to shut down. [a shadow runs across the screen, in a cape. Next scene: an alley looking towards the street. An Obama poster for CHANGE is shown, with WHEN? spray-painted over the word] Then a black man was elected President. He was supposed to change things. [the shadow climbs up a pipe and runs across the roof of the building opposite the alley entrance] He didn't. [next shot is that of a street under a threatening red sky] As more and more people turned to crime and violence the town becomes gripped in fear. Dark times. The city needs protection. [another alley. An aluminum trash can falls over, spilling its contents. The shadow appears on a wall, larger than life, then runs away] There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage. [A rain gutter is shown. The shadow runs across the screen again, closer to the camera] To clean out the trashcan of society I've chosen to become more than a man. [another rooftop. The camera finds the shadow and zooms in on it.] I'm the hero this town needs. I am... [the shadow turns and is lit up. It's Cartman dressed as...] the Coon! [Cartman looks up to the sky, and graphics for \"The Coon\" pop up. Next scene, the Coon runs down a street and leaps onto the roof of a car] As the world plummets into despair the Coon fights to keep order intact. [he leaps off the car]\nScene Description: A park bench in the city. A couple sits on it, the partners gazing into each other's eyes.\nJosh: Lisa I had a really great time tonight.\nLisa: I did too, Josh.\nJosh: Would you... mind very much if I kissed you?\nLisa: Not at all. [they start kissing. A pair of binoculars spies them from some distance.]\nThe Coon: [voice over. The Coon is on the roof of a public restroom house looking through the binoculars] A woman being raped. This is what our city has been reduced to. When the money goes, the raping starts. Women are helpless... without the Coon.\nLisa: O-hoh, yes Josh. Yehehessss!\nThe Coon: [leaps into action] Let her go!\nJosh: [points to himself] 'Scuse me?\nThe Coon: You aren't raping anyone tonight!\nJosh: Oh, it's a talking squirrel. [The Coon runs at him, leaps onto the bench, and starts clawing at him] Oh!\nLisa: Ah!\nJosh: Oh! Ow! Wugh! Oh!\nThe Coon: [stops clawing and says to Lisa] Get out of here! Get to safety! [Lisa gets up and runs away screaming. The Coon gets back to clawing at Josh]\nJosh: Ugh! L-lisa! Call me! Oh! Ow!\nThe Coon: [voice over as he leaps off the chair and runs off] Another woman saved from rape. But how many more rapists are out there?\nJosh: [gently stroking the cuts] Oh that really stings.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night.\nOfficer 1: Here's that file on the Rodriguez case, detective.\nSgt. Yates: Alright, things are pretty quiet out there, boys. Let's try to get caught up on some paperwork. Murphy I want you to- [his eyes widen at something behind Murphy. It's... The Coon, perched on an open window. Murphy turns to look and does a double-take]\nThe Coon: Don't let the city's peacefulness fool you, commissioner! It's too quiet.\nSgt. Yates: Oh, not this kid again.\nOfficer 1: Hey, you get out of here. Out.\nThe Coon: There was another rapist in the park tonight. [jumps into the station] It's no coincidence. It must be a rapist plot and it stinks to the top.\nSgt. Yates: What?\nThe Coon: I think the Mayor might be involved. It's my theory she might have a lesbian lover who's holding her leash.\nSgt. Yates: Jesus Christ, [looks at the other detectives] can we get a lock on that window? [he turns to look at the Coon] Look kid, you need to stop- [his eyes widen again. Murphy looks over his shoulder again - The Coon is gone, and the window curtains softly sway]\nOfficer 1: He's gone.\nThe Coon: [steps out from behind a file cabinet at the other end of the floor] No, I'm just over here now. [all the detectives turn to face him] What do we know about the Mayor's sexual preferences?\nSgt. Yates: Alright, listen: you have five seconds to leave or we're gonna put you in the jail and call your parents!\nOfficer 1: Jail's full, sir.\nSgt. Yates: Whatever. Then we'll just put you in- [is surprised again. The other detectives are also surprised, as the Coon isn't by the file cabinet anymore.]\nThe Coon: [appears by the window again] Now I'm back over here.\nSgt. Yates: [walks towards the window] Just get out of here before we-! [another surprised look. The camera looks at an empty floor space]\nThe Coon: I'm right here now. [the camera moves to the right until he appears]\nSgt. Yates: All right, stop it!\nThe Coon: Yes, I have to go now. [turns to the window, reaches over and grabs a box, and carries it over to the officers] But in the meantime I have something that might interest you. [turns and walks back to the window] Make sure all your men get a look at these, detective!\nSgt. Yates: What's in here? [two of his officers walk over to open the box. The window is shown again and the Coon is gone. The officers open the box and pull out some shirts - \"Who is the Coon?\" and the Coon mask are on the front of the shirts]\nScene Description: Neighborhood bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Kyle wait for the bus. Cartman walks up to them.\nCartman: Hey guys. Good morning. [the guys don't respond to him at all] You guys... hear that another rape victim got saved by a superhero last night? They say it was the Coon.\nStan: Who's the Coon?\nCartman: I know, right? [enunciating] \"Who is the Coon?\" It's what everyone must be asking themselves. Somebody is dressing up at night and taking the law into their own hands. As for me, I certainly don't agree with the Coon's reckless ways. If you ask me, there's no room in this world for vigilantes. I believe the Coon is a menace.\nKyle: ...Yeah, and dressing up and running around at night is faggy anyway.\nCartman: [stunned, turns to Kyle and points] You're a fag, Kyle! Fuck you!\nKyle: ...Dude, what?!\nCartman: He's not a fag!\nKyle: Why do you care?\nCartman: [straightens up and moves off a bit] Oh. I uh... well I ah ah [crosses his arms] I'm just... I'm just mad 'cause you should never use the term \"fag,\" Kyle. That's a hate word. And it's insensitive to butt pirates. Anyway, what do you think about the Coon, Stan and Kenny? Do you think he's the savior this town needs or do you think he's a dangerous vigilante? [neither of them answer him] Kenny?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is giving an oral report on the Coon, in the form of a FAQ.\nCartman: And of course the most common question asked is, just who is he? [he's wearing a \"Who is the Coon?\" shirt] Is he a hero or a menace? [half the class is bored, and Clyde is asleep at his desk. Mr. Garrison reads quietly at his desk] While we can all admit that the Coon is obviously really cool, we should also be asking each other... \"Why does he care so much for the people of this town? Why does he sacrifice himself every night to rid our streets of crime? And does he really have the right?\" What we all need now- [spots the sleeper] Clyde? Clyde, could you wake up please? This is important. [Clyde wakes up and looks around in a daze] What we all need now is PROOF... that the Coon exists. I believe that tonight from approximately 5 to 5:45 the Coon is going to be on the roof of Walgreens. I know I'll be there with my camera. And I'm sure... many of you will, too.\nScene Description: Walgreen's rooftop, that night. The Coon stands near the edge of the roof waiting for spectators.\nThe Coon: [voice over] Sometimes it seems the more criminals I try to stop, the more just come out of the back alleys and dilapidated bars. The city is a dying whore. She calls out to me to save her. And I don't know if I can. But she is still my city. [another little superhero walks up to the edge of roof a few feet from the Coon] And I cannot just sit and watch as innocent peole are- [the Coon notices] Who the hell is that? [looks the new hero over a few times, then walks up to him and asks] Who the hell are you?\nM: [this hero wears an M on his shirt and a ? on his hood] I'm an angel keeping watch over the city at night. As violence and darkness take over the streets, I work to rid this city of crime. I'm the symbol this town needs.\nThe Coon: Aw nonononono, I am the symbol this town needs! [M ignores him] Dude, seriously, you can't do that! Go home! I was, I was doing this first!\nM: Nuh uh.\nThe Coon: Yeah huh! You heard of the Coon and now you're being a copycat. Is that your name? Copycat?\nM: I am Mysterion.\nThe Coon: Mysterion? That's fucking retarded! You just gave yourself away, Craig! Only you would think of a name that dumb!\nMysterion: I might be Craig, and then again I might not be. My identity must remain a secret. You cannot know.\nThe Coon: Yeah? Well you cannot know my true identity either.\nMysterion: I assume you must be Cartman, because you're fat.\nThe Coon: [thinks for a few seconds] Well you're wrong! I'm not Eric Cartman and he's not fat! Care to guess again?!\nMysterion: I really don't care who you are.\nThe Coon: Oh all right Kyle! Yeah, took me real long to figure it out! Only you, Kyle, would be a buzzkill, and try to steal my thunder! You don't care about stopping crime, you're just doing this... 'cause you hate me, Kyle!\nMysterion: Kyle hates Eric Cartman. Are you saying you're Eric Cartman?\nThe Coon: No, I'm no- I [makes his voice gruff again] I'm sayin' that... Goddammit Stan is that you? It is you, isn't it? Clyde? Clyde, you're not a superhero, I am!\nMysterion: I cannot stand here and make idle conversation any longer. The city needs my help. There are innocents to protect. [leaps off the roof and out of view]\nThe Coon: NO! Dude, I'm seriously! You're being a copycat! I'll sue you! [no one replies] Motherfucker!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The camera looks at various kids at play.\nCartman: [voice over. He's seated alone on a merry-go-round] Which one of them is it? Somebody is dressing up and pretending to be a superhero! But who? Has to be one of the guys in my class, 'cause only they knew that the Coon would be on the rooftop of Walgreens. [shuts his eyes] No, stop. Can't think about that right now. Have to focus. [opens his eyes, keeping a look of determination on his face] Tomorrow is the most important day in the Coon's life. Everything the Coon has lived and fought for comes down to tomorrow. Concentrate.\nScene Description: Tomorrow arrives, and the Airport Hilton is shown. Event for that day, Coonicon.\nScene Description: The Airport Hilton. Inside, The Coon has set up a convention for himself. A framed poster announced the Coon, Live and In Person.\nThe Coon: [alone in the room] How is it that nobody came to Coonicon 09? This is just, this is fucking ridiculous!\nMaitre D: Got everything you need here, sir? Okay on beverages, buffet items?\nThe Coon: Yes, it's fine!\nMaitre D: Great. Hey, I just want to say that the Airport Hilton really appreciates your continued business.\nThe Coon: What do you mean \"continued\"? You don't know who I am!\nMaitre D: Aren't you that little boy who had his ginger pride rally and his AIDS benefit here, before?\nThe Coon: No, I'm not that kid!\nMaitre D: Oh. Oh oh really? Oh my bad. I'm actually relieved. That kid was kind of a douchebag.\nThe Coon: [looks back at him] You're a fucking douchebag! Get outta here!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman returns home from the Coonicon depressed. He walks in slowly and kicks the door shut.\nCartman: [sadly] Hunh!\nLiane: Oh, hello sweetie. What did you do today?\nCartman: I got boned! That's what I did, Mom! I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices!\nLiane: [puts her left hand on his right shoulder] Aww, what happened, hun?\nCartman: I can't tell you what happened 'cause it's about my super secret double life!\nScene Description: A Channel 9 Newscast begins.\nAnchor: Tonight an incredible story of an unknown child in South Park who has taken to the streets in an effort to fight crime.\nCartman: [suddenly hopeful, looks at the TV] Wha, what?\nAnchor: But who exactly is... Mysterion? [a silhouette appears, but it doesn't look like the Coon's]\nCartman: [angrily] What?!\nAnchor: Curious crowds in the town of South Park, Colorado. [people mill around looking for pictures of Mysterion to take] They've brought binoculars and camera phones trying to get a shot of a mysterious superhero.\nMan 1: Uh, he was dressed mostly in black with a kind of... cloak.\nWoman 1: He jumped down from the fire escape stairs, and then he just ran off. We barely got a look at him.\nMan 2: To me it looked like Mysterion to me. Everyone who's seen Mysterion, say yeah!\nCrowd: Yeah! [the man grins, showing off some gold teeth]\nMan 3: Well I, I think he's kind of a symbol for the town, you know? A, a symbol that everyone who's sick of crime can uh can rally behind.\nCartman: Fuckin' butthole!\nMan 4: [behind the wheel] Well if you ask me, he's a menace. There's no room for vigilantism in today's world!\nReporter: [showing some \"AMATEUR SKETCH\" images worthy of a graphic novel] This artist rendition of Mysterion has already generated thousands of copies.\nCartman: You gotta be kidding me!\nReporter: As hundreds of people gather to try and get a glimpse of the superhero, one question remains: Who is Mysterion? [everyone around him begins to ask the same question]\nAnchor: If you have any idea about the true identity of Mysterion, please call the 9 News Hotline.\nCartman: [shakes in anger] AAAAAHT!! [turns right and leaves in a huff]\nScene Description: News stand, night. The headline on today's South Park Herald: \"Who Is Mysterion?\" The camera pulls back to reveal Mysterion looking around and running down the sidewalk across the street.\nMysterion: [voice over] I could no longer sit by and watch as my city became a cesspool of crime. [a shot of City Hall. Mysterion appears on the roof by the dome] I have lived in South Park all my life. I decided it was up to me to keep this town safe. [he leaps off the roof and soon climbs up a rain gutter] Nobody at school knows my double life. To them, I'm just another fourth grader. But tonight, I am Mysterion. [climbs in through a window ...into the police station.]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station.\nSgt. Yates: Oh, Mysterion, thank God you've come. What news do you have?\nMysterion: There's some graffiti on the bridge again. I think those sixth grade kids are doing it. And the guy at the movie theater is harassing Mexicans again.\nOfficer 2: We'll get right on it, Mysterion. Thank you. Thank you for all your help. [Mysterion climbs out the window and goes down the fire escape ladder. The officer walks over to the window] Godspeed, Mysterion!\nSgt. Yates: You are a beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak and dreary world! [as Mysterion walks away from the police station, the Coon jumps into his path.]\nThe Coon: Dude, seriously? I'm gonna kick the shit out of you if you don't stop!\nMysterion: This city needs my help. It cries for protection and I will-\nMysterion, The Coon: Answer the call to save her.\nThe Coon: That's what I'm supposed to say! I know it's you, Kyle. Just stop!\nMysterion: I don't have time for this. [brings out some fireworks and lights the fuse. He drops the fireworks on the ground and leaves. They pop up and deter the Coon from following him. When the smoke clears the Coon looks around and doesn't see anyone.]\nThe Coon: Fireworks are illegal in Colorado, you asshole! [to the officers on the second floor] Hey, he's got fireworks!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A pissed-off Cartman, wearing his \"Who is the Coon?\" T-shirt, walks down the hall until he finds his classmates.\nCartman: So, guys! Any of you do anything interesting last night?!\nStan: Not really.\nCartman: Really?! Nobody was playing with any fireworks?! [grabs Stan's right hand and sniffs it vigorously, then lets it go and looks around for other suspects]\nStan: Dude, what the hell?\nCartman: Aha! Kenny! I should have known! [walks over to Kenny's locker and points] Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kenny?! [points at Kenny] Unless you are Mysterion!\nStan: [opens his door to demonstrate something] Dude, I have a picture of Mysterion in my locker too.\nClyde: Yeah, so do I.\nCartman: What?! Why?\nClyde: I don't know, it's just a cool costume.\nCartman: It's not a cool costume! He just wears his underwear over his buttfucking pants! Now, come on, which one of you guys is it?!\nWendy: [walking by] How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy?\nCartman: [gasps and walks away a bit to watch Wendy leave] Fucking bitch...\nScene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night. Two pigeons perched on the top of the sign suddenly take wing.\nThe Coon: [voice over] I had no choice. [he peeks out from behind a building, then runs] I was at the end of my rope. [he hears a sound and turns to its direction] Sometimes when a superhero needs answers, he has to turn to the wretched underbelly of society.\nA Voice: Hahahahahahahahaaa... Look what the cat dragged in.\nThe Coon: Come out where I can see you!\nA Voice: What's the matter, Coon? Nervous?\nThe Coon: [voice over] I didn't want to resort to this, but he could have the answers I need.\nA Voice: How utterly delightful! The heroic and mighty Coon [Professor Chaos leaps into view] come to put a stop to me again.\nThe Coon: [voice over] Chaos. I need to keep on my toes. [speaks] I'm not here to stop you this time, Chaos! I need information.\nProfessor Chaos: Oh I'm sure you do. But you see I [almost trips on his cape] whoop. [recovers] But you see I also know you like to beat me up.\nThe Coon: I didn't call you to fight, Chaos! I came to see if you know Mysterion's identity. [the two adversaries begin to circle each other]\nProfessor Chaos: Oh I'm close. And I'll put an end to him, and all of you goody-two-shoe heroes!\nThe Coon: I'm not on his side!\nProfessor Chaos: Do you think I'm a fool?! All those times you stopped me from my acts of evil! All those times you tricked me into meeting you, and then ga- and then gave me titty-twisters! Not this time, Coon! I finally learned my lesson! Now, General Disarray! [General Disarray holds a rope on the roof behind the Coon at the end of the storage building. He jumps down and swings towards the Coon and knocks him down] Yeah-ha! [General Disarray tries to keep the Coon on the ground.]\nThe Coon: That's it! [stands up]\nProfessor Chaos: O- oh careful General Disarray.\nThe Coon: Agh- Stop it! You, you... butthole! Knock it off!\nProfessor Chaos: Hehyeah! We beat him, General Disarray! [General Disarray has the Coon in a choke hold]\nThe Coon: Listen to me! I want to... help you... get rid of Mysterion!\nProfessor Chaos: Let him go, General Disarray! [General Disarray lets go and hops off. Professor Chaos puts his fists to his waist] Why would you help us?!\nThe Coon: Because Mysterion is trying to [bumps General Disarray off. General Disarray strikes a couple of trash cans and gets up a bit dazed] You fucker, that fuckin' hurt! [turns towards Professor Chaos] Because Mysterion is trying to say he's the hero this town needs! But that's my job!\nProfessor Chaos: But you both fight for justice and good.\nThe Coon: Yeah, but he's a fuckin' dick! I want him gone just as much as you do!\nProfessor Chaos: Very well. I will show you what we know about Mysterion's identity, but if this is some kind of setup-\nThe Coon: N- I'm the good guy, Chaos. I don't betray people.\nProfessor Chaos: Weh- oh yeah. [turns and walks away. General Disarray walks away also, and the Coon follows them]\nThe Coon: [voice over] I didn't like having to work with this scumbag. But I knew Mysterion was out there, plotting his next move.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle sits at his desk deep in thought.\nMysterion: [on Kyle's bed] Hello Kyle.\nKyle: [looks, then jumps in his seat] Whoa, what the?\nMysterion: Do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.\nKyle: Hey. Hey, you're that Mysterion kid.\nMysterion: Yes. But now I believe someone is trying to learn my true identity.\nKyle: Dude, everyone's trying to figure out who you are.\nMysterion: [turns away from Kyle] I cannot be unmasked, for then I would stop being a symbol. I need help. Somebody who can do background checks for me, do some investigating.\nKyle: Who? Me? Why?\nMysterion: Because I think you are the smartest kid in class. [looks over his shoulder. Kyle just stands there.]\nScene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night.\nProfessor Chaos: This way! We will now show you our secret headquarters of DOOM.\nThe Coon: You guys have your own storage facility?\nProfessor Chaos: Actually it belongs to General Disarray's grandma, um but she lets us use it. [General Disarray removes the lock from the unit and tries to lift the door. Professor Chaos helps him out and holds the door open as General Disarray and the Coon enter, then enters and lets the door drop closed behind them. Professor Chaos leads the Coon through the unit] This is where we come up with all our evil plans. Here's our computer relays. [a TV on a large stereo console with a toy keyboard attached] And this is like a, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second! [an unsolved Rubik's Cube under glass, on a table from which a sign hangs: WARNING DO NOT TOUCH!] And here's some of our evil minions! [hamsters] We have everything we need here. Can I offer you a Coke or a Sprite or something?\nThe Coon: I'll take a Sprite.\nProfessor Chaos: Uhget the Coon a Sprite, General Disarray. [General Disarray leaves to get the Sprite while Professor Chaos takes the Coon to a wall with pictures of the other guys in class on it] As you can see we too have been working hard on Mysterion's identity.\nThe Coon: You have an entire wall dedicated to Mysterion? What about...? Do you, do you still have that \"Who Is The Coon?\" T-shirt I gave you?\nProfessor Chaos: Oh yeah, I think it's around here somewhere. Uh, using our photos we are tryin' to pinpoint Mysterion's identity.\nThe Coon: Why is Cartman crossed out? He, he could be Mysterion.\nProfessor Chaos: No, he's too fat. Based on his body type it's gotta be someone like Stan or Kyle. [The Coon turns away, insulted, but his eyes pop open as he sees who the Coon suspects are: Harvey Fierstein, Cartman, and Bruce Vilanch. It just makes him angrier]\nThe Coon: Alright, al, alright, alright, look, Chaos. Just set up a video camera. I know how we can put an end to Mysterion once and for all.\nScene Description: Channel Nine News splash screen comes up.\nAnchor: The clock is ticking and the citizens of South Park are gripped in fear. Two days ago an evil unknown terrorist threatened major consequences if Mysterion [a pic of Mysterion appears] does not reveal his identity.\nProfessor Chaos: [from his headquarters, reading a prepared statement] Mark my words, South Park! Your precious hero is now, uh, your undoing! If Mysterion does not unmask himself publicly by Wednesday night, I am going to blow up... a hospital. Blow up a hospital? [looks off to his right] I'm not gonna blow up any hospital. Are you nuts? What? [turns to the camera] Uh, the choice is yours, Mysterion! Unmask yourself or hundreds will die! Hahaha. [looks off to his right again] Jesus Christ.\nAnchor: Since the threat was issued there has been no sign of Mysterion. Where is Mysterion?\nAnchor 2: [through his teeth] Where is Mysterion?\nScene Description: On the first floor of a construction site. Chaos, Coon, and Disarray are there with lots of TNT piled up around them. There are no walls up, so the floor is open.\nProfessor Chaos: Hey Coon w-we aren't actually gonna blo- blow up anything, are we?\nThe Coon: If you don't make good on your threats, Chaos, then what good are your threats?\nProfessor Chaos: But you really wanna blow up a hospital? I mean, a-aren't you a good guy?\nThe Coon: Sometimes blowing up hospitals is for the greater good, Chaos.\nGeneral Disarray: [walks up to Professor Chaos] You know, I've been thinking: if we're really evil villains, then we should betray him, and blow him up with the hospital.\nThe Coon: You know, you're a little scrotum-licker dude! Why don't you shut the fuck up?! [turns and runs to the edge of the floor] Alright Chaos, I'm gonna get the triggers for these things at ACE Hardware. Keep an eye on this stuff! [jumps down to the ground]\nProfessor Chaos: Aww jeez General Disarray, this is a lot more than I ever really intended. [General Disarray almost loses his balance twice, but recovers both times] I mean, well I hate the world and all its puny inhabitants and all but, but blowin' up a hospital? It just seems mean. [a shadow spreads across the floor before them. They look towards the shadow's source and find Mysterion standing on a beam above them. Chaos gasps] Whoa. Oh hamburgers!\nGeneral Disarray: AAAGH! [runs away to the other end of the floor and behind some boxes of TNT]\nProfessor Chaos: Aaah, a m m Mysterion, I b-, I beg you, I mean ah, judahadahada...\nMysterion: Why are you doing this?! This isn't your usual MO, Chaos!\nProfessor Chaos: Whowell I b- Well I b- ah I just would jes one nigh-, and then the Coon saw it up and I wa able to, and was able to [begins to mumble and fade out]\nScene Description: On the street below people walk along the sidewalks unaware of anything happening above them until a scream is heard.\nProfessor Chaos: Waaugh!\nMan 5: What is that?\nScene Description: On the construction site Professor Chaos and Mysterion fight.\nMan 6: Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting!\nMan 7: Give him hell, Mysterion! [more people appear and begin cheering the fight. General Disarray returns to help Professor Chaos]\nWoman 2: Look out Mysterion! General Disarray is behind you! [General Disarray grabs onto Mysterion's left leg]\nOfficer 3: Jesus Christ, we need backup out here! [a police car pulls up as he says this. A sniper tries to train his scope on Professor Chaos]\nOfficer 4: I think I can get a shot at Chaos, sir.\nSgt. Yates: [stays his officer's rifle] You think your bullets can hurt him? [Chaos and Disarray have defeated Mysterion, who lies unconscious on his back against some open bags of plaster. The crowd below gasps]\nProfessor Chaos: Yeah, we did it!\nMan 8: [breaking the crowd's silence] He's dead. Mysterion is dead.\nWoman 3: Nooo... [begins to sob. Other begin to sob too]\nReporter: The impossible has happened. Mysterion, beloved protector of the city, is dead. Who will save us now?\nMan 9: Wait! Look! [Mysterion begins to move and wakes up]\nOfficer 4: He's all right! [the crowd cheers and the battle between Mysterion and Chaos resumes, with Disarray trying to restrain Mysterion. Mysterion throws him off, and Disarray runs away again]\nCartman: [offscreen] Oh my God, look everyone, it's the Coon!\nThe Coon: [walking up a ramp to the first floor] Fear not everyone! Coon is here to save the day.\nMan 10: Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?\nMan 11: Be careful Bruce Vilanch! There are superhumans fighting right over there!\nProfessor Chaos: Okay sorry sorry! I'm sorry! I give up! Please, I give up!\nThe Coon: Don't worry, Mysterion! [Mysterion gets off Chaos and Chaos stands up] The Coon will now help you!\nProfessor Chaos: Well, wait! I thought we were workin' together. [the Coon punches him in the mouth] Waaa. [sprouts a bloody nose] Oh jeez, I think I broke a tooth. [covers his face, turns left and runs out of view, mumbling. The crowd cheers some more]\nThe Coon: That was great teamwork, Mysterion. South Park is safe. Until next time.\nMysterion: What next time?\nThe Coon: Well, people are obviously so desperate to learn your identity that they'll do anything. Won't be long before the next villain comes along and threatens violence unless you take off your mask. [Mysterion gives this some thought.]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. Mysterion stands at a podium flanked by the Coon and the Park County police.\nMysterion: Citizens, tonight has shown me I have no choice but to unmask myself.\nSgt. Yates: Don't do it, Mysterion! If you show your identity we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante!\nThe Coon: Don't you think he knows that?! But superheroes know that sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for the greater good.\nMan 12: Don't show your face, Mysterion!\nMan 13: You have to be a symbol!\nThe Coon: So that the next terrorist can threaten South Park if he doesn't unmask himself?!\nMysterion: No, it's true. As long as my identity is a mystery, this will just happen again and again. It has to end. I will show my face. [the camera zooms in on him as he gets ready to remove his mask. As soon as he shows his eyes and nose, the camera stops]\nCrowd: Ohhh.\nMan 14: [holding a camera] Well I'll be.\nThe Coon: I knew it was you! 'Member I even said it before!\nMr. Garrison: Wow, a kid from my class was Mysterion.\nSgt. Yates: Well I'm sorry but you're under arrest. Take the kid to jail. [hands Mysterion over to Murphy, who escorts him away]\nThe Coon: [voice over] My entire plan worked to perfection. [holds up his right hand] My work here is done. [leaps away, then appears on the roof of a building] With Mysterion out of the way the Coon can finally go back to keeping the city safe. [runs across the roof and leaps down, holding on to the sides of a ladder. He leaps off the bottom of the ladder and plants his right hand on the ground] Once again, I alone am the symbol this town can stand behind. [he eats a burger meal at a fast food restaurant] Every town needs a hero. [walks down a street towards sunset] Every town needs... a Coon. [looks back at the camera, then turns away and resumes walking. Last scene has the Coon riding down the street on his Big Coon Wheel tricycle]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A new building - South Park Bank Savings and Loans. A line of customers waits to advance. Stan and Randy are at the head of the line.\nStan: Do I really have to do this, Dad?\nRandy: Stan, now more than ever you need to understand the importance of saving money.\nStan: But Grandma said I could use this money to buy whatever I want.\nBenny: Okay, next please.\nRandy: Go on, Stanley. [Stan walks up to Benny's desk and takes a seat.]\nBenny: How can I help you, young man?\nStan: I got a hundred dollar check from my grandma, and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years.\nBenny: Well that's fantastic, a really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a Money Market Mutual Fund, then we'll reinvest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaand it's gone. [they look at each other for a long time]\nStan: Uh, what?\nBenny: It's gone. It's all gone.\nStan: What's all gone?\nBenny: The money in your account - it didn't do too well, it's gone.\nStan: What do you mean? I have a hundred dollars.\nBenny: Not anymore you don't. POOF.\nStan: Well, what can I do to get back my money-?\nBenny: I'm sorry sir, but this line is for bank members only.\nStan: I just opened an account.\nBenny: Do you have any money invested in this bank?\nStan: No, you just lost it all!\nBenny: Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please. [an elderly woman steps up and bumps Stan out of the chair.]\nStan: Hey!\nBenny: Hello Mrs. Farnickle, how are you today? Making a deposit are we? Great, we can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone.\nMrs. Farnickle: What?\nBenny: Sorry, yeah, that's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please.\nStan: Dad!\nRandy: Hey I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money?\nBenny: Oh, Mr. Marsh, don't worry. We can just transfer money from your account into a portfolio with your son's- aaand it's gone! This line is for people who have money with the bank only. Please step aside! [both Randy and Stan are dumbstruck.]\nScene Description: Breaking news. A 9 News Special Report graphic appears.\nAnnouncer: This is a 9 News Special Report. RECESSION: A NATION IN PERIL.\nAnchor: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.\nMr. Garrison: [in front of a convenience store] It's just crazy, you know? Ev-everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just... vanished.\nStephen: [in front of the Stotch home] It's really terrifying. We... we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!\nButters: [waves to the camera, but his face is blocked by the 9 News logo] Hi, Grandma!\nDarryl Weathers: First the money started goin', and now everyone's gettin' laid off work! They took arrr jawbs!\nWorker 1: They took our jobs!\nWorker 2: [shrieking] Derk er derrrrrr!\nWorker 3: Deeekerrdrrr!\nWorker 4: Deeerkerrrrrrdrrrr!\nAnchor: Just how far will the economy fall? We asked economic reporter Dan Banks for his assessment. [a shot of Dan, who raises a gun to his head and fires, shooting his brains out and falling out of view.] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at 10.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. Sharon walks in with the simplest dinner: hot dogs and sliced tomatoes. Everyone has a glass of water or soda, Randy has a margarita glass.\nSharon: All right everyone, eat up. [takes her seat]\nRandy: Aw Jesus Christ! Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?!\nSharon: You said we had to be careful with our money. I've got nothing for a food budget.\nStan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?\nRandy: [grabs a hot dog from the platter] I'll tell you what happened, son. See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had. [slaps the hot dog onto his own plate] They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need- [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] people with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house. So we have people having a hard time paying their loans, [the blender stops] meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]\nStan: Yeah, I think I get it.\nScene Description: The South Park Mall, day. Anyone who has something to say about the economy is preaching to the crowd gathered there.\nOrator 1: And so why is our economy failing us? Because the government kept interest rates too low for too long! The government took our economy for granted and now we are all here paying the price! How long will we sit and watch our economy fall... As the people we must...\nOrator 2: ...An angel came to me and so I say to you: Do not listen to the Wall Street brokers! For they are the ones that put us in this situation! Fat cats with corporate greed! They are the ones who knowingly drove us down this pathway of doom! Our responsibility is...\nCartman: And where has all the money gone? It must have gone somewhere! The answer is obvious, my friends! It is the Jews! Covetous Jews who have taken all our money and hoarded it for themselves! Hidden all the cash in some... secret Jew cave that they built, probably back in the early 60s! It is the Jews, my friends, who are oft...\nRandy: [dressed in a drab green toga] There are different people casting all different kinds of blame from person to person. But the fault lies in all of you! [starts pointing at random people] YOU, who bought that three hundred thousand dollar house when you only had twenty thousand to put down? YOU, who bought that third car, even though only two people in your home drive! It is time to stop pointing fingers! [speeds up his rate of pointing] Finger pointing gets us nowhere, Steve! We have mocked our Economy. And now the Economy has cast its vengeance upon us all!\nMan 1: He's right.\nMan 2: This is the first guy to actually make sense. [more people are attracted to Randy's preaching]\nRandy: Yea, it is an angry and unforgiving Economy. To repent we must stop frivolous spending! Instead of paying for cable let us watch clouds! Instead of buying clothes, wear but sheets from thine beds! Cut spending to only the bare essentials! Water and bread and margaritas, yea. [everyone applauds softly]\nScene Description: Sur la Table, day. Stan walks in with the Margaritaville and heads to the counter.\nClerk: Hello young man, welcome to Sur la Tahbluh. Can I help you?\nStan: Yeah, I wanna return this Margaritaville my stupid dad bought.\nClerk: Oh, that's all we get anymore, returns. Could you please just put the receipt here on this tahbluh. [Stan tries to put the receipt onto the counter, but the large Margaritaville gets in the way. Stan then just reaches up and the clerk takes the receipt] Sorry, our computers are a little slow today. We need a new Ethernet cahbluh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'd like to give you a refund but I'm afraid it's not doahbluh.\nStan: What?\nClerk: I said I'm not ahbluh, sir. You see, this Margaritaville was purchased with a payment plan?\nStan: So?\nClerk: Well an outside financing company handles those payment plans. Customers just pay for some of the machine and the finance company pays for the rest.\nStan: Well can't I just return it and get the money my dad put in back?\nClerk: [rests his head on his left hand] Hm... that's improbahbluh, [raises his left hand] but not impossibluh. I'm not really sure how it works; you'll, you'll have to speak with the people at the top. I can give you the finance company's address if that... agreeahbluh with you. [Stan just looks at him]\nScene Description: South Park Mall exterior, just after sunset. Randy is on a table pacing back and forth, again dressed in a toga.\nRandy: We have become lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of the Economy! There are those who will say that the Economy has forsaken us! Nay! You have forsaken the Economy!! And now you know the Economy's wrath! O thoust can shop at a sporting goods store, but knowest thou that the Economy will take away thy Broncos' cap from thine head! [a shot of the Stotches in togas] Mock the Economy without fear! Thine own stockbrokers... now lie dead by their own hand and thou knowest that thy stockbrokers did not fear the Economy! Well here we are, my friends! You have brought the Economy's vengeance upon yourselves!\nGerald: What can we do, Randy?\nMan 3: Yes tell us.\nMan 4: Tell us.\nMan 5: Tell us what to do.\nMan 6: Tell us, Randy, what we should do!\nMan 7: What should we do, Randy?!\nRandy: We must all wear sheets instead of buying clothes that need detergent! Instead of cars that take gasoline we can... get around on llamas from Drake's farm! Instead of video games that take batteries and software, our kids will play with squirrels! We must let the Economy know that we are capable of respecting it! No more needless spending! [everyone begins to cheer] The Economy is our shepherd. We shall not want. [stretches out his arms as the audience cheers him on.]\nScene Description: South Park, sometime later. Everyone is wearing blankets instead of clothes, in the forms of togas and cloaks. People have begun to ride llamas, carry stuff in wooden boxes, and leave bales of hay around for the llamas and oxen. Businesses all along the street have shuttered their doors and windows and gone out of business. It's a much simpler way of living.\nAl: [on a llama] Mornin' Ted.\nTed: [shoveling snow off his walkway] Mornin' Al.\nScene Description: At a park nearby, the boys sit on rocky surfaces dressed in togas and being bored. Butters tries to fish for squirrels, but none of the squirrels are biting.\nKyle: Well this sucks!\nClyde: Sure was better when our parents were buyin' us stuff.\nCartman: [arrives and sighs] Hengh! [the squirrels run off] Of all the times for people to decide to stop buying things, it had to be the week that Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out for Nintendo DS! [stomps his left foot down] Hengh!\nKyle: You want something new every week, fatass.\nCartman: [leaps towards him] Don't you fraternize me! This is all your fault, you know!\nKyle: My fault?\nCartman: The Jews took all the money away, and they ha-!\nKyle: [jumps off his rocky perch and faces Cartman] Don't even start! Don't even start, Cartman!\nButters: Well, [Kyle looks back at him] why are we wearin' bedsheets and playing with squirrels, Kyle?\nKyle: Not because of the Jews, Butters! Who told you that?\nButters: Well Eric did. [Kyle glares at Cartman again]\nCartman: Just tell us where the cave is, Kyle.\nKyle: Now look! The reason we're in this situation is because people are being stupid! The economy isn't some vengeful being that takes things away from us. The economy is just made up of people, and people have just lost their faith in it. [the other boys now pay attention to Kyle. Two men watch Kyle from afar.] What people really should be doing is spending more. Spending is fine. People should just go out and shop. They should buy the things they need for their friends and family.\nMan 8: We best speak with the Council, and tell them... a young Jew is speaking heresy towards the Economy.\nScene Description: Big Orange Finance Company, day. Stan reaches its glass doors and pushes his way in backwards, then turns around and walks up to the receptionist's desk.\nReceptionist: Can I help you?\nStan: I wanna return this Margaritaville.\nReceptionist: O-kay, let me send you into Josh. [next shot is of Josh dipping his finger into a little can of Carmex and spreading it on his lips]\nJosh: Heeey, welcome to Big Orange Finance Company, yeah. Have a seat. You want some Carmex?\nStan: No thanks. I wanna return this Margaritaville, and the guy at Sur la Table said that you were the company that financed it.\nJosh: Oh yeah no, you know what? No, yeah.\nStan: What?\nJosh: Yeah, we can't give you your money back for that, yeah, no. You'd have to talk to the people on Wall Street, yeah, mmmm.\nStan: Wall Street?\nJosh: Yeah, no, see, what I do is find Americans who want a frozen beverage machine but can't afford one, and I hook them up with investors who want to get into the margarita bill payment plan business, yeah.\nStan: So?\nJosh: Yeah, so the problem is your Margaritaville payment plan has been combined with thousands of others into one big Margaritaville security, yeah, no. Yeah. No. Yeah... [Stan sighs in frustration]\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Llamas wait in the parking lot with hay bales near them as toga-clad adults walk towards the center's doors. Inside, a council of nine sits in the dark. Six candles give light to two tables. Randy sits on a throne.\nStephen: The entire town has given over to your ways, Mr. Chairman. Everyone has even stopped using electricity so as to stop paying electrical bills.\nFather Maxi: You've really done an amazing thing, Mr. Marsh. People have learned to hold on to their money so as not to feel the sting of the Economy's mighty sword.\nRandy: I am pretty smart, yea. But I have assembled this economic committee to make sure that everyone sticks to my new plan.\nSkeeter: We've got guards posted at the mall to make sure nobody gets tempted to buy dumb stuff. And, uh, Pat Sallsman is doin' house checks to make sure nobody is ordering anything stupid online.\nRandy: Then perhaps soon our Economy will return to us.\nMan 9: Council, I bring news of discord! A young Jew was in the town square speaking blasphemy about the Economy!\nRandy: What?!\nMan 9: He was saying that... your ideas are false and the Economy is not vengeful. He was rallying people to spend more!\nFather Maxi: Spend more?! What mockery is this?!\nRandy: Relax, Father Maxi. What harm can one Jew do against our... economic recovery movement?\nScene Description: The same park as before. The squirrels are back, Cartman joins the other boys on the rocks, resting against one.\nCartman: I had a dream last night. I was in a field, and I had Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars right next to me. But then the sky went black and ...Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars just... melted in my hand. [begins to sob, and a rowdy crowd approaches from the right]\nKyle: What's that? [a crowd of men runs past them, snatching up squirrels on the way]\nMan 10: 'Scuse me, we need to borrow your squirrels.\nKyle: What? [the boys stand and follow the men]\nMr. Garrison: Now please, please! [holds his arms up in self-defense]\nMan 10: You have sinned!\nMr. Garrison: Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. Please.\nKyle: What's going on?\nMan 10: Garrison, you have brought your filth to this town for the last time!\nKyle: What did he do?\nMan 11: Your teacher was caught buying a KitchenAid Stand Mixer at Bed Bath & Beyond!\nMan 10: Take that punishment, heathen! [the crowd begins stoning Garrison with squirrels]\nKyle: [steps in between Garrison and the crowd] Hey! Hey, stop it! Stop!\nMan 10: Move aside, kid! He must pay for his stand mixer.\nKyle: Come on, this is ridiculous!\nMan 10: What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man who has angered the Economy?!\nKyle: Ju-just have a little compassion, huh? I mean, everyone's gone out and bought something stupid. It's not so bad. Whichever of you guys has never bought anything frivolous, go ahead and huck the next squirrel. [a man behind Principal Victoria moves and hucks a squirrel at Garrison]\nMr. Garrison: Oh. [the crowd gets rowdy again]\nScene Description: Wall Street, the New York Stock Exchange. It's a busy day. Stan walks into view from the left.\nStan: 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me! I'd like to return this Margaritaville, please?\nStockbroker: Margaritaville?\nStan: My dad bought it on a payment plan that was set up by a finance company which got their principal investors from somebody here.\nStockbroker: Oh, that makes sense.\nStan: It does?\nStockbroker: You see, son, we lump thousands of these Margaritaville installment plans together into Margaritaville-based securities, then chop those securities up in a way that we could sell them to banks.\nStan: So I can return it to a bank?\nStockbroker: Nope, because a bunch of people like you are defaulting on their Margaritavilles so the government had to buy the Margaritaville assets from the banks.\nStan: What?!\nStockbroker: Just talk to the Treasury Department in DC. They're the ones who really understand how all this works. [notices some activity on his stocks] Oh, sell sell sell sell sell sell sell!\nStan: Aargh! [walks off with the Margaritaville]\nScene Description: In a meadow near town, day. Kyle has his own Sermon on the Mount.\nKyle: Listen, this is all you need to know: the economy is not a supernatural all-knowing entity. The economy is just an idea, made up by people, thousands of years ago. The economy is not real. And yet, it is real. Nowadays they'll give credit cards to practically anyone who applies for them. [pulls out an envelope] I applied for this yesterday to prove a point. It is an American Express Platinum card. [from Kyle's position, one can see hundreds of people listening to him] It has no spending limit. [cries of shock rise from the crowd] Do not be afraid! This is only plastic. It's just something made up by people. Truly meaningless until we put our faith in it. Faith is what makes an economy exist. Without faith, it is only plastic cards and paper money.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center. The economic recovery movement council is meeting again.\nMan 11: By all reports, the young Jew is not letting up! He is still going around convincing people to have faith in the Economy by shopping!\nRandy: We've done everything we can and yet the Economy has not improved. Worse, it has declined! Poor Bart here just lost his job at Little Caesar's Pizza. Our tireless work is obviously being undermined by this one Jew. Why does he go around pretending to know the true will of the Economy?\nStephen: Perhaps... he is the Economy's only Son, sent to save us.\nFather Maxi: Are you retarded, Stotch?! The Economy is omnipotent! Which means it can do anything! So saying it would be limited to one Son is fucking stupid!\nRandy: That is stupid, yea. And going around telling people to shop... is dangerous!\nMan 12: Well then, there's only one option: we have to kill the Jew.\nFather Maxi: Yep, I think we gotta kill the Jew.\nSkeeter: I don't know... He's got a lot of support. It might be hard to even catch this Jew. [a screeching sound is heard. A hand is seen going down a blackboard. and it belongs to Cartman]\nCartman: Did somebody say \"catch a Jew\"? The person you're after might be hard to get, but I can bring him to you. And all I want in return... is Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars for handheld Nintendo DS.\nScene Description: The U.S. Treasury Department, day. The camera pans down from the top of the building to street level, and shows Stan walking past a statue with the Margaritaville. Stan then goes up the steps and through the domed atrium. Three men gather in front of him and face him. He stops and drops the Margaritaville to the floor.\nTreasurer 1: Uhh, how can we help you, young man?\nStan: I want to return this Margaritaville! My dad bought it on a payment plan set up by a finance company that got investors from Wall Street who combined it into securities sold to the banks who transferred it to you!\nTreasurer 1: Ohhh that makes sense.\nStan: Nnnaaargh!\nTreasurer 1: No problem. We just need to consult the chart. We can determine your property's value and we'll be done.\nStan: [surprised] Really? [puts his hands together] Thank you.\nTreasurer 1: Be right back. [they go into a room through the heavy double doors behind them and close the doors. A squawk is heard, then a cleaver and the sound of blood spurting out. Stan is startled. The men come back out through the doors with streaks of blood on them.]\nTreasurer 2: Excellent news, sir. We've determined the investment value of your Margaritaville to be... ninety trillion dollars.\nStan: What?!\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gultch. Many of the boys are inside in the dark, seated at a long table reminiscent of The Last Supper. From left to right are Craig, Timmy, Jason, Cartman, Token, Kyle, Jimmy, Butters, Kenny, Tweek, Ike, and Clyde, all munching on slices of pizza. Some breadsticks are in a basket.\nJimmy: Hey, what's the matter, Kyle? You seem b-b-bu-bbbummed out.\nKyle: I just have a feeling this might be the last time we get to do this.\nButters: Well don't worry Kyle. We're not gonna let people kill you. We'll keep you hidden forever!\nKyle: I can't just hide my whole life, Butters. And besides, I have this strange feeling that one of you is gonna totally betray me. [the other boys gasp and look at Kyle. Tweek and Ike look at Clyde]\nCartman: [stands up in his seat] All right, whoever is thinkin' of betraying Kyle, that is not cool! [checks for a reaction] That's freaking lame, dude! Kyle is trying to get the economy goin' again! If somebody is thinking of stabbing him in the back, you're b-you're being a dick! [clears his throat and sits down] Go ahead, Kyle.\nKyle: [looks at Cartman for a few seconds, then enunciates] Whoever it might happen to be, I'm not giving him the opportunity. Tomorrow I'm going to do something. Something I've known I would have to do restore people's faith.\nJimmy: Kyle please! For fu-fu for for-fu-fuck's sake, don't do anything drastic.\nKyle: There's no choice anymore, guys. Don't worry about me. I've been preparing for this for a while now. [looks down at his plate]\nScene Description: The U.S. Treasury Department, day. Stan is still trying to figure things out with Treasury.\nStan: Nononono excuse me! I don't understand! How can this stupid thing be worth ninety trillion dollars?!\nTreasurer 1: What, you think it's worth more?\nStan: No, dude, that doesn't make sense!\nTreasurer 2: Well, you don't get ninety trillion dollars, but the chart says that's what it's worth.\nTreasurer 3: [runs up to the other two treasurers] Uh oh, problem! Problem again!\nTreasurer 2: What is it now?\nTreasurer 3: Another insurance company is about to go under; if they do, people could lose millions!\nTreasurer 1: Okay, no problem. [the three go behind the double doors again] We'd better consult the chart. [this time one of the doors is left ajar. Stan observes this and then takes the Margaritaville into the chart's room]\nScene Description: The chart room. The three treasurers face three other men at the opposite end of the large chart. These other men sit in high-backed chairs and wear white wigs.\nTreasurer 3: Sirs, another insurance company is going under!\nSir 1: Now determining most prudent move for insurance company. [brings down the gavel. Treasurer 2 picks up a chicken and a meat cleaver, puts the chicken down against the edge of the chart, and chops its head off with the meat cleaver. He then drops it into the chart and it stumbles around while Treasurer 3 plays the kazoo. The headless chicken drops onto the bailout button and the button lights up and sets off a bell]\nTreasurer 1: Bailout!\nTreasurer 3: Most prudent move is a bailout!\nSir 1: Bail out the insurance company! [Stan is upset at this method of resolving a serious economic problem. He picks up the Margaritaville, smashes it into the chart, turns around and leaves]\nScene Description: The city park, evening. A crowd is gathered for some reason...\nMan 13: It's a miracle.\nMan 14: Why would someone do this? [members of the economic recovery council run up to see what the commotion is about]\nRandy: What is this? What's going on?\nStephen: There! Look! [a shot of Kyle signing papers] It's the Jew. Somehow he got a platinum AmEx with no spending limit.\nRandy: What's he doing?\nStephen: He's... paying for everyone's debts. [a shot of several lines of people walking up to Kyle, who takes each bill, enters the amount due into a card reader, and swipes his card through the reader to pay the debt]\nDarryl: Hey thanks, kid, this is really nice of you.\nRandy: But that's... impossible. Why would he do this?\nMan 15: So that people will have money to spend.\nSheila: [runs up to Kyle] Kyle! [gets on her knees] Kyle, you have to stop this! [begins to cry]\nKyle: It's okay, Ma.\nSheila: No-o Kyle, you'll be in debt for the rest of your life! [stands up and walks away] Please, somebody, get him to sto-o-op! [Randy gets an idea, points towards his house, and leaves. More people walk towards Kyle, and this continues for hours. Kyle begins to moan from lack of energy as he continues paying off debts]\nRandy: [returns with his unpaid bills] Uh there's about seventeen thousand dollars' worth here.\nKyle: [pays it off, with difficulty.] Heunh. [Randy smiles and walks away]\nMan 16: He paid for our debts so we could spend once more. [Kyle has stopped moving. A man steps up to check]\nMan 17: He's dead.\nDr. Doctor: [steps up to check Kyle's pulse] No, he's just passed out. We should get him to bed. [several men raise Kyle over their heads and gently carry him home. Sheila sobs and follows them. They all go through the living room, up the stairs, into Kyle's room, and lay him down. Sheila waits as the men leave, then leaves and closes the door so Kyle can recover in peace. Beams of light enter through the window]\nScene Description: Channel 9 News. The anchorman speaks.\nAnchor: For the first time in almost a year, the economy in South Park has taken a small, but noticeable upturn. [a shot of a bustling mall] Stores and shopping malls are open again as newly debt-free people feel safe... to make purchases. [The Marshes are shopping, and Randy notices something]\nRandy: Wow, the new Margaritaville! [holds it up] With salsa dispenser! \"Just pour your favorite salsa in the top and it comes out the dispenser in the bottom.\" Oh, we need this! [Sharon buries her face in her left hand]\nAnchor: Are we out of the woods yet? Only time will tell. But we must not forget the sacrifice one person made to restore our faith and make us believe in the economy once again. The person we must thank every day for his amazing sacrifice. [the person is shown] Barack Obama. [a shot of Obama addressing a cheering crowd]\nKyle: [on the sofa watching the TV] Aww, come on!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is shown as the bell rings, and the students pour into the hallway from their classrooms. They're all chatting about something imminent.\nCartman: Oh, man, I thought that day would never end.\nWendy: Hey, Stan, you wanna maybe study together after school?\nStan: What?! No way, Wendy, today's the day!\nWendy: What day?\nButters: The day they're showin' Part 2 of last week's Terrance and Phillip show!\nClyde: They're gonna finally reveal who Phillip farted on to get out of jail.\nRed: Oh God, that show is so dumb.\nCartman: Dumb?! Phillip farted in somebody's face super hard! But you don't know who until this week's episode!\nTweek: Eagh! This has been the longest week of my life!\nBebe: Why do boys think farts are so funny? They're juvenile and gross!\nCartman: No! No, nono, you're right, Bebe! Farts totally aren't funny. [walks from his locker to the middle of the hall, turns around, farts, and walks back to his locker. A little girl walks into the fart fumes and all the boys laugh]\nLittle Girl: Eww! [Butters points at her and laughs cruelly]\nKyle: Come on guys, we gotta go! [leads the boys down the hall]\nJimmy: We're finally gonna learn the shocking truth of who Phillip f-farted on.\nCartman: Let's get to my house!! [the boys run out of school chattering away while the girls remain in the hall annoyed]\nWendy: God, they're so stupid!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, a while later. The boys walk into the living room and arrange themselves before the TV.\nStan: Oh boy!\nButters: This is gonna be great!\nCraig: I've been waiting for this all week.\nButters: Oh boy!\nCartman: [walks in with some snacks for himself and spots Craig on the sofa] Ah ah ah, that's my seat, Craig.\nCraig: Dude, I was here first.\nCartman: It's my Goddamned house, now get your bitch ass on the floor! [Craig moves to an empty spot on the floor as Cartman takes his place on the sofa]\nButters: Well it's on, it's on, itsonitsonitson!\nScene Description: Graphics for the Canada Channel pop up onscreen.\nAnnouncer: You are watching the Canada Channel, the only channel in Canada.\nAnnouncer 2: Previously on Terrance & Phillip: Terrance farted on the American president, but Phillip took the heat. [A shot of Terrance farting on Barack Obama, who appears Canadian onscreen. The boys have a good laugh]\nPhillip: [pleading his innocence as a prison guard shoves him into a cell] It wasn't me! [fart. The boys laugh again]\nAnnouncer 2: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Terrance & Phillip: Blood Rage [\"Part 2\" appears, followed by \"Special Presentation\"]\nAnnouncer: ...will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this Queef Sisters Special!\nScene Description: APRIL FOOLS! A kazoo is heard.\nCartman: What?\nAnnouncer 3: The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters. Katherine and Katie Queef. [a shot of them at the beach farting pink queefs] Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out their vaginas. [a shot of them queefing on a unicorn.] It's The Queef Sisters special on Channel Canada.\nScene Description: A Canadian doctor's clinic. The sisters wait inside, their legs on stirrups. The doctor walks in.\nDoctor: Alright Queef Sisters, it's time for your yearly PAP smear and vag exam.\nKatie: Alright Doctor.\nKatherine: I'm ready, Doctor.\nDoctor: [walks over to Katherine] Now I'm just going to check for cysts. [lowers his face and moves in closer for a good look... QUEEF!] Awww! [backs up and hides his face. Katherine begins to laugh. Katie joins in]\nCartman: What the fuck is this?!\nDoctor: Now listen heauh! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!\nKatherine: I'm sorry, doctor. I had air trapped in my vagina.\nKatie: Huhuhuhu!\nDoctor: Well just don't let it happen again! Now I'm going to check for cysts. [lowers his head, quickly glances at Katherine, then lowers his head again. QUEEF! The doctor recoils again] Arh! [Katherine laughs, then Katie joins in. The boys watch this special and aren't moved.] Now stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! [goes back between Katherine's legs. QUEEF! The doctor hides his face again and the sisters laugh. The doctor is fed up and throws his notepad away] That's it! No PAP smear for you!\nKatherine: But doctor, what if I have cancer?\nDoctor: You should have thought of that before you queefed in my face three times! [A shot of the boys confused, with Cartman getting mad]\nButters: They, uh they aren't gonna show part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip show?\nKatie: Doctor, my sister is just being difficult. Maybe you can just examine my cervix instead.\nDoctor: Well alright, let me check for cysts. [goes over to Katie and lowers his head. QUEEF! He backs out] Nooo! [the sisters laugh] That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! [walks out the door]\nKatherine: Oh Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.\nKatie: I guess so Katherine.\nCartman: Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?!\nScene Description: The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip have just watched the same episode the boys did.\nPhillip: What the hell is this disgusting crap?!\nTerrance: Queef Sisters?!\nNetwork President: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.\nTerrance: You replaced our show with this?! But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!\nPhillip: That's sick!\nNetwork President: You think farts are funny; why not queefs?\nTerrance: Because babies come from there!\nNetwork President: Eh, look guys, women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience! You know, women empowerment and the get-go. So we want to try to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gotten stale!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is in the hall talking on his cell phone surrounded by other kids.\nCartman: No! No! As a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for thirty-five minutes! Well we want some Goddamned answers, that's what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Phillip conclusion, you asshole?!\nWendy: [walks up to Stan] What's going on?\nStan: We're complaining to the Canada Network 'cause they put something really gross on TV!\nCartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air from their vagina into a man's face?! No! No! See, some of us were eating when you showed that!\nClyde: I threw up on my way home.\nCartman: Clyde threw up on his way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?! [more girls begin to appear]\nStan: You tell 'em, Cartman!\nRed: What happened?\nButters: They didn't show part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! [crosses his arms] They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!\nKyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!\nBebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?\nCartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! Don't call me buddy! I'm not your buddy! [the girls have heard enough and leave]\nBebe: I can't believe they're this upset.\nRed: God, they're annoying!\nAnnie: I don't even know what a queef is.\nWendy: It's when a woman blows air out her vag, Annie.\nAnnie: Oh.\nRed: You know that girl Samantha Dunskin, she can make herself queef whenever she wants.\nBebe: Really?\nWendy: Wait a minute. I've got an idea.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, just behind them, Cartman has Butters write out a letter as he dictates and paces around the floor.\nCartman: And to that end, by resorting to filth and garbage, the Canada Channel has thusly...\nKyle: Robbed us of our innocence.\nCartman: Yes, that's good.\nButters: [writing left-handed] Robbed us of our innocence... [the girls return]\nWendy: Hey, guys, we have a little surprise for you.\nStan: What? [a girl moves to the front of the group, and lets loose a queef into Butters' face. Butters is stunned and tries to get the queef off his face as if it were skunk musk]\nButters: Oh God, oh my God no! [runs down the hall and out the front doors of the school, still screaming and trying to get the queef off, then runs all the way home. He runs in, leaving the front door open and his father puzzled. He runs upstairs and into his room, slamming the door shut.]\nStephen: Butters?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, later. Randy is talking on the phone, as Sharon listens in, worried.\nRandy: Oh my God, well how is he doing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Huh, okay, well, thank you for telling me, Mr. Stotch, I'll spread the word. Yoeah, you take care. Bye. [hangs up the cordless phone] We need to cancel our plans, Sharon. There's gonna be an emergency all-parent meeting at the school tonight. [starts to go upstairs]\nSharon: Why? What happened?\nRandy: [backs down a couple of steps] A girl at school, she... queefed on one of Stan's friends today. [goes on upstairs. She looks on for a few seconds]\nSharon: ...So?\nScene Description: Stan's room. Stan is sitting at the edge of his bed moping. Randy knocks on the door, then opens it to peek in. He then walks up to Stan and sits next to him on the bed.\nRandy: Hey, pal. I heard about what happened at school today. You wanna talk about it?\nStan: Butters was just sitting there, Dad. He... he didn't even know it was coming.\nRandy: I know, pal. Sometimes... bad things happen to good people. But you know Butters is still Butters, and he needs you guys right now more than anybody.\nStan: It was so gross, Dad, I mean, what if another girl at school tries-?\nRandy: Hey, we're getting all the parents together and we're gonna take care of this, okay? Nothing like this will ever happen again.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium, night. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey wait for all the parents take their seats on the bleachers.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, parents, some of you have already heard, but most of you have not, m'kay? We've had a terrible incident occur at the school. Apparently a young girl uh, went up to a young boy here at the school, m'kay, and queefed in his face. [immediately people begin whispering to each other]\nGerald: How did this happen?\nStuart: Where were the teachers?!\nMrs. Testaburger: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are you saying we're all here just because a girl queefed on a boy?\nMan: Just?!\nThomas: We're here to find out why!\nRandy: The question is how do we send a message to other girls in the school so this doesn't happen again! [more murmuring ensues]\nPrincipal Victoria: Now hold on a minute, I think we're being a little drastic here. You know, I probably see a boy in my office once a week for farting on a girl. [the men look at each other]\nRandy: What does that have to do with anything? [the women begin to murmur in reaction to that question]\nScene Description: Live with Regis and Kelly. The camera pulls back in the sign to reveal the studio audience.\nRegis: Our next guests have really taken America by storm. Their new hit show is being tuned in by women all over the world. Please welcome the Queef Sisters! [Regis and Kelly stand up to greet the sisters as the sisters go onstage]\nKatherine: Oh hello Regis.\nKatie: Hello Kelly. [QUEEF. The sisters laugh]\nRegis: So, uh, gals, ...you seem to really like queefing.\nKatherine: Well Reeg, it's like this: we think that queefing is a perfectly normal female bodily function. Why not have fun with it? [rips out a new queef and laughs. The audience applauds and cheers]\nRegis: But I mean really, isn't queefing a bit juvenile?\nKatie: Men enjoy farts, so why shouldn't women enjoy their queefs?\nKatherine: That's right. We've written all aboot it in our new feminist book, Eat, Pray, Queef.\nKelly: Well I think that what you gals are doing for the feminist movement is amazing. And that's why women all over America stand behind you. [lets loose a most robust queef]\nRegis: D'ohhh! [walks offstage covering his nose as the sisters laugh.]\nScene Description: The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip are there once again.\nNetwork President: Terrance and Phillip, you've put on a terrific show for many many years. You've made Canada Channel what it is today. You're fired.\nTerrance & Phillip: Fired?!\nNetwork President: Sorry guys, but this queefing thing is really catching on. [grabs some gift-wrapped boxes from under his desk and carries them to Terrance & Phillip.] Queef Sisters' ratings are through the roof, and to pay them what they're asking we've gotta get rid of you. Goodbye. Here's some cookies. [hands them the boxes]\nTerrance: Brian, don't do this!\nPhillip: You can't let Canada Channel be soiled by that perverse garbage! You know it's sick!\nBrian: [prepares himself a drink and walks by his window] Yes, I know it's sick. To be honest, I gag every time one of them lets out a queef. [turns around and glares at the duo] But it's money Goddammit and this channel needs it! I'm sorry, Terrance & Phillip, your show is done!\nScene Description: The Martha Stewart show.\nMartha: I always love when Spring is on the way. Such a fun and inspiring time to decorate. Just like most women out there I've really gotten into queefing lately. [holds up some scissors and construction paper, and the camera pulls back to reveal her genitalia] It's a lot of fun and interesting ways we can decorate our queefs and just make them more dynamic for the holidays. What we're gonna do is just... cut out some paper... like... this... [snips away] and cut out little stars and little moon shapes, [puts those stars and moons into her vagina] and we're gonna just... jam those... up... and they have custom simple little sparkles from the hobby stores; they come in... little tube which make them very easy to just... [puts the sparkles into the vagina as well] shoot... right up the ol'... there we are. And of course you can feel free to add little flowers or maybe some festive Easter grass. But the point is that when we're done we can... let one rip. [she queefs and the stars, moons, and sparkles pop out in a fireworks display. She grins] See how pretty that was? It's a good thing.\nScene Description: The segment ends. Next, the Marsh house, day. The Marshes are enjoying a meal. A small sound is heard and Sharon smiles. Stan and Randy freeze, then Randy looks at Sharon.\nRandy: What was that?\nSharon: Oh, excuse me, I... [stifles a giggle] I, I had a little air trapped. [Shelly begins to giggle]\nRandy: Oh my God, did you just...? At the table?\nSharon: [chuckles] Pardon me. [Shelly giggles]\nStan: Mom, gross! [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more]\nRandy: Okay, that's enough, girls! Alright? I mean, how old are you, Sharon?\nSharon: [giggles and pats her face down with a napkin] Sorry, it's just ...it's kind of funny how much it bothers you.\nRandy: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's really funny!\nStan: Stop it, Mom!\nRandy: Yeah okay? Let's just try to have a nice dinner, okay?\nSharon: [giggling] Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [smiles. The family resumes eating quietly until another queef is heard. Sharon and Shelly crack up while Stan and Randy stare at them]\nRandy: Sharon! Marsh!\nSharon: Ex-cuse me.\nShelly: Hey Mom, do you like Australia? 'Cause that was the Great Barrier Queef. [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more]\nRandy: That's it, I'm leaving! [leaves the table and heads for the front door]\nStan: I'm going too. [follows Randy]\nSharon: Oh! Oh please, Randy! How many times have you farted in bed and held my head under the covers?!\nRandy: That's completely different!\nStan: Yeah it's different, Mom!\nSharon: Alright, tell me exactly where the line is. Er, okay, how about this? I have a friend Abbie. She had a baby boy and it farted.\nRandy: [giggles a bit] Heh, yeah?\nSharon: But she was actually still pregnant with the baby boy and it farted inside her.\nRandy: [giggles with Stan] Yeah?\nSharon: And then the gas from the baby's fart traveled down and shot out her vagina, haHA. [Randy and Stan glare at her]\nRandy: Come on Stanley, let's go. [they turn and head out the front door]\nSharon: Oh! Oh, so when does that stop being funny?!\nRandy: It stopped being funny the second that air came out her vagina, Sharon! [exits the house and slams the door shut]\nScene Description: The Queef Sisters' house, living room. Katie is on the sofa putting nail polish on the nails of her left foot.\nKatie: Look Katherine, I made queef cookies!\nKatherine: But those are just ginger snaps, Katie. [Katie queefs on the cookies and voila! The sisters laugh. The doorbell rings] Could you get that, Katie? [queefs on Katie as Katie walks by to get the front door. They giggle. Katherine opens the door and sees Terrance & Phillip staring at her angrily, with their arms crossed over their chests]\nKatie: Oh my God! Look, Katherine! It's Canadian television stars Terrance & Phillip!\nKatherine: [jumps to her feet] Oh my God, they're famous! [walks up besides Katie] Well hello sirs! It is such an honor to meet you! Oh Katie, I'm getting all goosebumpy and queefy. [queefs twice. The sisters laugh]\nKatie: [queefs] Wooo.\nPhillip: May we come in, please?\nKatherine: Oh certainly, though I feel we look a mess. [Terrance & Phillip walk in and look around]\nTerrance: Very nice place you have here. Network must be paying you well.\nKatie: Oho yes, the show is going aboat as well as it could. [queefs]\nTerrance: All right, enough with the queefing! We didn't come for a social call!\nPhillip: That's right! We've come to kill you! [Terrance pulls out a gun and aims it at them, and they gasp]\nKatie: Why kill us? We love you.\nTerrance: Because you've reduced Canada Channel to smut and toilet humor!\nKatherine: Oh. Well I suppose if we're going to die, we should die by the hands of our idols.\nTerrance: Your idols?\nKatherine: We grew up watching you. You meant the world to us. We used to fantasize about pleasing you in all different ways. Know that it is an honor to die by your hand. [the sisters shut their eyes and wait to be shot]\nTerrance: [turns around] I don't think I can do it, Phillip. [Katie opens her eyes]\nPhillip: Why not? [Katherine opens her eyes]\nTerrance: Because I'm suddenly finding myself strangely attracted to Katherine.\nPhillip: What?! That's crazy, Terrance! Katie is obviously the hot one. [they look over their shoulders at the sisters]\nScene Description: Butters' bedroom, day. He's in bed with an ice pack tied down around his head.\nButters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh. [Cartman enters leading the other boys in class. He's carrying a box]\nCartman: Hey Butters. How you holding up, man?\nButters: Oh. Hey fellas.\nCartman: We got you a present, Butters. I'll put it here on your nightstand 'cause none of us want to touch you since you got queefed on.\nButters: Aw thanks.\nStan: Butters, I'm afraid things have gotten worse. All the women suddenly think that... queefing is funny.\nButters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh!\nKyle: Calm down Butters! The men are taking action. But we need to take your picture.\nButters: My, my picture?\nCartman: You're going to be the face of queef abuse, Butters, so that we can make people open their eyes.\nScene Description: License place BM 475. The camera pans up to reveal Terrance driving Phillip, Katherine and Katie down a country road. They pass a sign saying \"Entering CANADIAN WINE COUNTRY. Over THREE WINERIES to explore.\" The four continue down the road until they reach Canadian White Wine Winery. They go in and sample the wine. Terrance finishes his glass and farts into it. The two men laugh. The foursome get back on the road. Sometime later, Katie queefs on Terrance.\nTerrance: AAH! [the sisters laugh. The foursome then stops at Canadian Red Wine Winery. Inside they sample more wine and a flatulent sound is heard]\nPhillip: Dammit I'm trying to enjoy my wine, Katie!\nTerrance: No, that was me, Phillip. I farted.\nPhillip: Oh. [Both men laugh. The foursome leave and get back on the road. Terrance is still driving. They're all drinking straight from bottles]\nKatherine: Oh, this is a dream come true. I've always wanted to meet you, Phillip. [Terrance brakes angrily]\nTerrance: Phillip?! I'm Terrance!\nKatie: What? I thought you were Terrance.\nPhillip: No, I'm Phillip!\nKatherine: Oh dear. [they continue down the road, sipping from bottles. Phillip is now driving with Katherine up front while Terrance sits in back with Katie. Katie tosses her bottle back onto the road and starts making out with Terrance.]\nScene Description: The House of Representatives. Some of the boys, their parents, and South Park Elementary staff are presenting their case.\nStephen: A disgusting, violating trend is taking over our city, our state, our nation. Queefing has become an acceptable evil.\nCartman: Last week at our school, a girl queefed right into our friend's face. That is why we are here to tell you [points to the poster] it's not a joke.\nStan: On television us children are starting to see and hear more and more graphic queefing.\nRandy: [walks into view with a mic] I would like to take this opportunity to explain why farts are funny and queefs are not. Men have always joked about farts and we in fact name our farts. We have The Squeaker [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a squeaking fart, then speaks into the mic again] And then there's The Foghorn [moves the mic to his ass and lets out two farts that sound like a foghorn, then speaks into the mic again] and the \"Don't be scared\" [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a series of farts that sort of sound like \"Don't be scared\", then speaks into the mic again] and of course there's the-\nWoman: Excuse me. [another woman hands her a mic] Well if that really is your argument, it isn't a very sound one. Women name their queefs too.\nOther Women: That's right! We do.\nWoman: For instance, we have the Sneezing Unicorn. [moves the mic to her vagina and makes it sneeze, then speaks into the mic again] and The Resuscitator [moves the mic to her vagina and makes a sound like an air pump]\nCartman: Sick! Stop it, lady!\nRandy: Th-that's not the same! We've got the Chinese Firecracker! [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a sputtering fart that sounds like a Chinese firecracker]\nWoman 2: That's all well and good, but we can do the Road Warrior. [moves the mic to her vagina and...]\nRoad Warrior Queef: Nooo! We go iiin! We kiiill! No more talk! We kiiill! Soon, my dog of war, but we have to do it my way. [switches to another voice] Losers! Losers wait!\nMales: [covering their noses] AWWW!\nRandy: Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: The Queef Sisters' house, night. In the dark, Phillip is naked and running away from something. A vase flies at him and shatters against a wall.\nPhillip: You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?! [evades another vase, which shatters against another wall]\nKatherine: I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! [flings a third vase at him]\nPhillip: Ugh! You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!\nKatherine: Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! [a light turns on. Terrance and Katie are in a bed next to them]\nTerrance: Could you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here.\nPhillip: She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!\nTerrance: SICK!\nKatie: Well what's the big deal? I've been queefing in this bed the entire time.\nTerrance: What?! Gross! [punches her on the face with his left fist]\nKatie: How dare you?! [punches him back]\nKatherine: Get out! Get out both of you! [begins pushing Phillip towards the door] We never want to see you again! [kicks his ass. Soon, both men are out of the bedroom]\nTerrance: After everything we've been through? [Katie gives them the last push, shuts the door, and sobs. Katherine joins her, they hug each other, and they queef separately]\nScene Description: The terrace at the Queef Sisters home. Terrance & Phillip stand at the banister, naked and smoking cigarettes.\nTerrance: [sighs] What the hell am I going to do, Phillip? She makes me so mad sometimes.\nPhillip: Katherine just won't stop queefing, but I don't know if I can live without her.\nScene Description: Terrence and Phillip enter the house.\nTerrance: Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong.\nPhillip: Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you.\nKatie: Oh Terrance. [they hug]\nKatherine: Phillip! [they hug and move towards Katherine's bed. Each couple starts fucking immediately, with the men on top]\nScene Description: Stan's house, morning. A rooster crows somewhere. Randy steps out to pick up the newspaper. He yawns and reaches down...\nRandy: [gasps] Oh my God! [the headline reads \"QUEEFING BANNED! ROAD WARRIOR QUEEF SEALS IT!\"] Ohmygod! Stan! [turns around and closes the door, then runs to the foot of the stairs] Stan, we did it! Colorado Senate moves to ban queefing!\nStan: [coming down the stairs] No way! We did it?! [twirls around] Yeah!!\nRandy: Alright son! Yeah!!\nSharon: [coming in from the kitchen with Shelly] What's going on?\nRandy: [thrusts the paper in Sharon's face] HA! Read it and weep, Sharon! No more queefing!\nSharon: [resigned] Well, ...congratulations, guys. Looks like you got us. Good job.\nRandy: Aw come on. [tries to lighten the mood] Just because you can't queef anymore...\nSharon: You really think women cared that much about queefing? Is that really what you think this has all been about? This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For just this one time we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable. But no, you just couldn't let us have that one little thing, could you? Because even though things are getting better for women, you still think of us as lesser people sometimes, and we always have to prove ourselves twice as hard. Congratulations, guys. [begins to sob] For getting your way... again. [she and Shelly turn around and head back to the kitchen]\nStan: Mom, we didn't mean... [he and Randy are stunned. Randy walks to the sofa and sits down.]\nRandy: [exhales] Boy oh boy. I think we might have screwed up royal, Stan. [Stan follows him to the sofa and sits next to him]\nStan: Yeah. We all got so caught up in how we felt that we didn't realize... women actually cared about something a lot deeper.\nRandy: Stan, let's call the guys together. Maybe we can make this right.\nScene Description: A recording booth, later. Randy appears alone and starts to sing.\nRandy: There's a time in our lives when we must listen to the oppressed.\nRandy, Stan: And realize we've been keeping women down.\nMr. Mackey: They have power and they have courage.\nStephen, Butters: And we must all stand by the belief.\nGerald, Kyle: That a woman is strong, and she has the right to queef.\nThe Males: Fly free. Free to queef aloud; fly free. Let every queef show that you're proud.\nRandy: You face so many challenges to put an end to your grief.\nThe Males: You are woman now, and you are free to queef.\nCartman: It's time for equality. We must give them the respect they deserve.\nMr. Garrison: They're just the same as you and me. Their rights must be preserrrr-r-r-rrrved.\nThe Males (Randy): Queef free (Queef free). Every woman has the right; queef free (Queef free). Let your queefing stars shine bright.You are woman, hear you roar (queef free), queefing too loud to ignore. Queef a little each day and let your soul take flight! Ah-aaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, queef free.\nScene Description: Scenes shown during the song: A fire department captain, a car mechanic, a firefighter, a lab technician, a baker, a flight attendant, a doctor, a paramedic, Hillary Clinton, with a queef coming out of her, a dog with five or six puppies at her teats, a pharmacist, a hotel worker, a mother, and an athlete.\nScene Description: A Canadian cathedral, day. Inside this magnificent church are Terrance & Phillip and their brides.\nBishop: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. [Katherine jumps up and queefs on him] Nooo! [the sisters laugh]\nPhillip: Stop it, Katherine! This is a serious moment!\nBishop: Therefore what God has joined together let no man- [Terrance jumps up and farts on him. Phillip laughs. Katie jumps up and queefs on Terrance]\nPhillip: Aww. sick! [Terrance jumps up and farts on Katie. Phillip laughs. Katherine comes up and queefs on him. He farts on the bishop]\nBishop: That's it! I now pronounce you farts and queefs! [the couples laugh as the bishop quickly leaves, Canadians laugh]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman is walking over to Jimmy's house. He enters the house eating chips. Jimmy is working on new jokes.\nCartman: Hey Jimmy, what are you up to? [closes the door and walks up to Jimmy]\nJimmy: Oh, hey Eric. I was just trying to write some new jokes for my comedy [chokes up] ...rou-routine.\nCartman: Yeah well, ya wanna do somethin'? I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle, but they're all pissed off at me for somethin' so I have to hang out with you.\nJimmy: Sorry Eric, but I really need to work, very much. I haven't written a good joke in over a week.\nCartman: [heads to the sofa and lays down on his back] Alright, well maybe I can help you, you know, we can totally write some stuff together.\nJimmy: Oh, well, sure. I've never really tried working with a partner, but let's give it a sho- a sh- a-sh, a-sh, shotaroosky. Let's see... I was workin' on this: Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep his -nuts dry.\nCartman: [while munching] No, that's not that funny. Let's try something else.\nJimmy: Ahb. A fireman and a p-p-Polack are eating marshmallows when-\nCartman: No, no. Polacks aren't that funny dude. Try somethin' else. [Jimmy sighs and throws away a sheet of jokes. Hours later there are many more sheets on the floor]\nJimmy: ...So the Pope says, \"What are you, a stinking e-evolutionist?\"\nCartman: Meh. [Jimmy tosses away another crumpled sheet]\nSarah: Here's some fruit, boys. [sets the plate down by Jimmy] Better for you than potato chips. Oh Jimmy, look out, there's a black widow! [pulls out a newspaper from under Jimmy's desk and smashes the spider with it]\nJimmy: Wow, thanks Mom. [she turns and walks away] You might have saved my life.\nCartman: Dude, if I'm trying to be creative, I can't eat fruit. Doesn't your mom have something more substantial to eat?\nJimmy: You can check the freezer. There might be some frozen fishsticks or somethin', if you like fishsticks. [gets an idea, indicated by a small bell]\nCartman: Yeah, I like fishsticks.\nJimmy: Wait a minute. Fishsticks... Fish. Dicks. [now he writes the joke excitedly] Ohmigod! It's so obvious. How did I never think of it before? [Cartman looks at him, then sits up]\nCartman: What, dude, you got something?\nJimmy: Alright, just run with me on this, Eric. Say Eric, do you like fishsticks?\nCartman: Yeah.\nJimmy: You like putting fishsticks in your mouth?\nCartman: Yeah.\nJimmy: Well what are you, Eric? A gay fish?\nCartman: [thinks through the joke] Fish dicks! Aw dude, that's funny as shit! I think we're really onto something here. Let's try it out on the guys.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings and the boys are in the hall. Clyde is putting some books away in his locker when Cartman rounds the corner with three other guys: Jimmy, Kenny and Butters.\nButters: Ohoho, there's Clyde. Do it to Clyde.\nJimmy: Yeah yeah, let's do it to Clyde.\nCartman: Okay okay, shushushuh, okay, shush, check it out. Uh hey there Clyde.\nClyde: Hey.\nStan: [walks up to the other guys] What's going on?\nButters: Eric and Jimmy came up with the funniest joke ever.\nCartman: Say Clyde, do you like fishsticks?\nClyde: Yes. [Butters covers his mouth to stifle a laugh]\nCartman: Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth?\nClyde: Yes. [Butters covers his mouth to stifle a laugh]\nCartman: [points to Clyde with both index fingers] What are you, Clyde? A gay fish?\nButters: [runs up to Cartman and Clyde] HA you said you like fishsticks in your mouth; that makes you a gay fish! [Cartman laughs. Butters soon joins him. Clyde just smiles sheepishly, knowing that's a good joke. Token walks into view and Cartman runs to him. Clyde grins]\nCartman: Token, Token, got a question for you: [clears his throat] Token, do you like fishsticks?\nToken: Fishsticks? Yeah, I guess so. [Butters begins to giggle]\nCartman: [motions to Butters to keep quiet for now] Shh shh shh shh Butters Butters. [back to Token] You you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?\nToken: Yes.\nCartman: What are you?\nButters, Cartman: A gay fish? [Cartman laughs first, then Butters]\nButters: Hey look, there's Kevin Stoley! [runs towards the unseen voice] Hey Kevin, do you like fishsticks? [A hot new joke is born.]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Garrison peeks in...\nMr. Garrison: Hey, hey Mackey? Do you like fishsticks?\nMr. Mackey: Fishsticks? Yeah, I l- I like fishsticks, m'kay?\nScene Description: At South Park Market.\nStephen: Oh hey Peterson, buying fishsticks, I see.\nPeterson: Yeah, I like fishsticks.\nStephen: What are you, Peterson? A gay fish? [everyone laughs]\nScene Description: The Jimmy Kimmel Show.\nAnnouncer: And now, here he is! Jimmy Kimmel! [the studio audience cheers as he goes onstage]\nJimmy Kimmel: Alright, hey, how are we all feelin' tonight? [the audience quiets down] So uhhh, let me ask the guys in the audience a question. Do you like fishsticks?\nThe Guys: Yes.\nJimmy Kimmel: Huh. What are you, a gay fish? [everyone laughs]\nScene Description: The Late Show with David Letterman.\nDavid Letterman: And so uhhh, hey Paul, do you like fishsticks, Paul?\nPaul Shaffer: Uhhh, sure?\nDavid Letterman: What are you, Paul, a gay fish? [everyone cracks up over it. Someone in the audience keels over the balcony. Letterman tosses away his notes]\nScene Description: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.\nJay Leno: So apparently more and more Americans are eating fishsticks. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Loving fishsticks, kinda makes me wonder, you know? What is everybody, a gay fish? [the studio audience roars with laughter and two men in the front row fall off their chairs and throw up.]\nScene Description: Another talk show, but without a studio audience.\nAnchor: It is quite possibly the funniest joke over conceived, and its origin is unknown. The fishsticks joke crosses all border, all races, all ages and ethnic groups and is slowly uniting our country. In fact, the only person who appears to not get the joke is rapper Kanye West, who becomes furious when people use the joke on him.\nKanye: Yo, that is messed up, yo! I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish! Alright?!\nTom Snyder: You. Really. Don't. Get it.\nKanye: Hey man, I'm a genius, alright?! I'm the most talented musician in the world! If I was a homosexual, or a fish, I would know!\nTom Snyder: You're a rapper.\nKanye: Yes.\nTom Snyder: An entrepreneur.\nKanye: Yes.\nTom Snyder: And you like fish dicks.\nKanye: Yes.\nTom Snyder: You're a gay fish.\nKanye: No! I am not no gay fish!\nTom Snyder: Just gay?\nKanye: I'm not gay and I'm not a fish! Man!\nTom Snyder: [this time goes through joke one step at a time] You are male?\nKanye: Damn right I'm male.\nTom Snyder: A male that likes fish dicks.\nKanye: Yeah, I like fishsticks.\nTom Snyder: You like to put fish dicks in your mouth.\nKanye: Yeah.\nTom Snyder: You're a gay fish.\nKanye: Alright, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherfuckin' ass! [stands up pushes him off his chair]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are having lunch in the school cafeteria. Stan and Kyle sit opposite each other this time.\nCartman: And then it was on Leno and the Jimmy Kimmel show! Dude, that's our joke on national television.\nKyle: We know, Cartman!\nCartman: Nya nya nya nya nyaaa nya! We are comedy writers and you guys aren't! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha! Jimmy, I've been thinking: We've got to patent the fishsticks joke.\nJimmy: P-patent?\nCartman: Yeah dude, there's lots of people out there using our joke on their shows. We should be getting compensated.\nJimmy: Well, Eric, th-that's really not how jokes work. I mean, you know, we should just be... happy that the joke is so popular and made a lot of people laugh.\nCartman: Dude, fuck that! Maybe you were writing jokes for people's amusement, but I don't work for free. I'm gonna talk to a lawyer so we get what's coming to us! [smiles, takes his tray and walks away]\nKyle: Jimmy, exactly what part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write?\nJimmy: Well, he didn't actually... write any of it. He just uh...\nKyle: Let me guess: you wrote the joke, and Cartman just laid on the couch eating Twizzlers.\nJimmy: Actually it was potato chips.\nKyle: I knew it! Don't let that fat turd walk all over you, Jimmy! Stand up for yourself!\nJimmy: W-well, I-I mean he, he was in the room.\nCraig: Then just give him half.\nKyle: What?\nCraig: I like you Jimmy, but you're not gonna win this. Consider yourself lucky he's only asking for half.\nKyle: Craig, if Cartman didn't do anything, then he doesn't deserve any of the credit!\nCraig: Yep. And if I had wheels, I'd be a wagon.\nKyle: No dude, screw that! Jimmy, if Cartman didn't write the joke, then definitely don't sign any patent papers with him! Just say \"Cartman, you didn't have anything to do with this joke and you know it!\"\nCraig: Just give him half.\nScene Description: Kanye speaks to a group of reporters at a conference somewhere.\nKanye: There are a lot of people out there making up rumors about me that are malicious and untrue. But I'm going to prove once and for all: I'm not a fish. Because I am a genius, I've ascertained that fish have gills. [a doctor steps up next to him] Doctor, do I have gills?\nDoctor: He does not have gills.\nKanye: You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish. And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that! Alright?! It's over! Now are there any questions?\nReporter 1: Do you like fishsticks?\nKanye: Love 'em!\nReporter 2: You're a gay fish. [a third reporter laughs and soon the rest of the room is laughing]\nKanye: No I'm not- AAAARGH! [grabs the sides of the podium and shakes with anger]\nScene Description: Late Night with Conan O'Brien.\nConan O'Brien: Alright, recently... Recently we've all come to know the fishsticks joke as probably the funniest, most awesome joke ever, but who originally came up with it? Well here's your answer. Joining us tonight, the brains behind the incredible fishsticks joke, the one and only Carlos Mencia.\nCarlos Mencia: [dancing in his seat] Yeheah, Vive la Mexico!\nConan O'Brien: So Carlos, you've got a show on Comedy Central, a stand-up tour, where did you have time to come up with this classic joke?\nMencia: Well you know I just kicking it with my homies and my brain, you know, my brain is always so full of ideas 'cause I'm so fonny and stuff, so I was just all like, \"\"Hey, Papito, you like fishsticks?\" And my homeboy says \"Yeah Carlos\" you know, \"you're so funny!\" And then it just occurred to me. I said, \"Oh man, you must be a gay fish, homes!\" [the studio audience roars with laughter, and he begins to dance in his seat again] And this is how I came up with it, mi amigos! [Conan claps. Cartman, looking at the show on TV, is pissed off]\nCartman: [shakes with rage, then turns left and walks away] Motherfucker!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman runs up to Jimmy in the hallway.\nCartman: Jimmy, dude, did you see?! Carlos Mencia is taking credit for our joke!\nJimmy: Really?\nCartman: Yeah dude. I told you this would happen. Now look, I got a lawyer to draw up some patent papers. We've got to sign these so that people know that the joke belongs to you and me!\nJimmy: Aahhm, I don't know, Eric. I really don't think I want to sign that very much.\nCartman: But Jimmy, some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do!\nJimmy: Well, to be perfectly f-f-f-frank, Eric, I think I came up with a little bit more of the joke than you did.\nCartman: What?!\nJimmy: Well, you know, I mean, I basically wrote the thing, and you just kind of ate chips.\nCartman: Jimmy, that's messed up. We decided that day to write together. Don't you remember?\nScene Description: Cartman remembers entering Jimmy's house.\nCartman: Hey Jimmy, wanna hang out?\nJimmy: Sorry Eric, but I've gotta write some jokes. Unless you wanna team up or somethin'.\nCartman: Team up? Okay, let's write some jokes together.\nSarah: Here's some fishsticks guys. I hope you like fishsticks.\nCartman: Do we like fishsticks? What does she think we are? Gay fish? [Jimmy and Cartman laugh, but Cartman notices something on Jimmy's desk.] Uh oh, look out, Jimmy, it's a black widow! [gets off the couch, gets a newspaper, walks over to the desk, and smashes the spider dead.]\nJimmy: Wow, thanks Eric.\nScene Description: Back to the present. Jimmy looks helpless.\nJimmy: Is that... Is that how it happened?\nCartman: Look, exactly who came up with which part of the joke isn't even relevant. We had an agreement Jimmy. And if you wanna go back on that now, well then you're no better than a Jew.\nJimmy: I'm... I'm sorry?\nCartman: It's cool man, it's cool. [turns around and walks away]\nScene Description: Kanye West in Concert, night. at an indoor arena looking similar to Madison Square Garden\nAnnouncer: Here he is, y'all! Give it up for Kanye West!\nKanye: [gets onstage] Yo. Ungh. Yo. [turns to look at the audience] Yo, whoa! Whoa, what the hell?! [a lot of audience members carry signs saying that Kanye is a gay fish and that he likes fishsticks]\nAudience: Gay fish! Gay fish! Gay fish!\nKanye: Yo, fuck this noise, yo! [throws down his mic and storms offstage]\nScene Description: Kanye's mansion, living room. He looks at a board while his entourage stands at the other end of the room looking at him.\nKanye: Just doesn't make any sense, yo. Why is everyone calling me a gay fish?\nHouse: Kanye, look, we all think it would be better if you would just drop it. Ya-you know, I mean, ih-if you don't get it, you don't get it.\nKanye: What do you mean, I don't get it, House?! I'm a genius. I'll understand it, I just need to break it down is all. Now let's see... [he's writing on a whiteboard. So far he has \"Fishsticks plus Me equals Gayfish\"] Somethin' about fishsticks... interacting with me... makes me gay fish.\nAide 1: Kanye, really...\nKanye: Shut up! [looks at the whiteboard again.] Alright, now what do we know about fishsticks? [adds more words to the board] They're breaded, they're fried, they're frozen. Then under me we have rapper, genius. And gay fish are homosexual. They swim. [begins connecting words] Is it because breaded has something to do with genius? Which swims?\nHouse: No, because you said you like fish dicks, Kanye! Don't, don't you get it? You see, fish dicks is a is a play on words.\nKanye: I don't need anyone tellin' me \"play on words\"! I'm a motherfuckin' lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius!\nScene Description: The boys' restroom at South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is at the urinal when Cartman walks in a few seconds later.\nCartman: Hey Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?\nKyle: Dude, get out of here! I'm peeing.\nCartman: [walks off a bit] It's just... I don't know what to do about Jimmy. I'm starting to think he might try and Jew me out of my half of the fishsticks joke. [Kyle zips up and goes to the sink to wash his hands] I just... need you to teach me some Jew defensive moves, Kyle. Because we really both did come up with it. [Kyle finishes up, grabs a paper towel, wipes his hands dry, and turns to Cartman]\nKyle: You know what, Cartman? I believe you.\nCartman: You do?\nKyle: Yes, I believe that you believe you helped write that joke. That's how people like you work! Your ego is so out of whack that it will do whatever it can to protect itself. And people with a messed up ego can do these mental gymnastics to convince themselves they're awesome, when really, they're just douchebags! [turns and leaves the bathroom]\nCartman: [after some thought] But, I'm sure I helped come up with the joke. Didn't I?\nScene Description: Cartman remembers entering Jimmy's house. This time things go by quickly.\nCartman: Hey Jimmy, what's up dawg?\nJimmy: Oh hey Eric. Just workin' on some jokes.\nCartman: That's cool. You wanna write some together? [walks out of view]\nJimmy: Hey, that'd be great! I've always wanted to work with you. You're really funny and you're totally not fat.\nCartman: [pulls up a chair] Cool, thanks. Let's get to work! Now let's see... something that's a play on words, I don't know... fishsticks. You know, 'cause it, 'cause dicks.\nJimmy: Hey, you're really onto something there.\nSarah: Hello Eric. Have some chips, because you're totally not fat at all.\nCartman: Oh thank you Mrs. Valmer. [she walks off] Now let's see... The setup could be... \"Do you like fishsticks?\"\nJimmy: Right. And then I say, \"Yeah.\"\nCartman: So then I can say, \"What are you, a gay fish?\"\nJimmy: Oh wow, this is incredible! [something crashes into the house, making it shake violently. Jimmy and Cartman look at the source of the crash. A dragon wanders in]\nSarah: What is that?\nCartman: It's a dragon of some kind! Don't worry, I can save you all! [leaps out of his seat with a sword out of nowhere and slashes the dragon across the chest, making it bleed. It falls on its back all of a sudden. Eric leaps onto its body and stabs the sword into its chest. It dies.]\nButters: [looks through the window] Hey look, Eric killed a dragon.\nClyde: [opens the front door] He's the most awesome kid in school!\nWendy: And he's not fat at all.\nCartman: Thanks you guys!\nScene Description: Back to the present.\nCartman: Nnnope. No, I definitely helped write the joke. All I can hope is Jimmy doesn't try and Jew me over.\nScene Description: Kanye's mansion, living room. He's written down some more stuff and made more connections on the whiteboard.\nKanye: Is it perhaps that I'm fashionable, and fishsticks are crunchy?\nAide 2: Yo Kanye, KANYE! We found him money.\nKanye: Found who?\nAide 2: You told us to track down whoever started the whole fishstick thang. We found out who, dawg.\nMencia: [tied down to a chair in Kanye's study, his voice shaking] Come on, maaaan. What is this, maaaan? What the fuck is goin' on maaaan? [Kanye enters the room. His entourage makes way] Oh fuck maaaan, Kanye Wehhst? Noo shiiit maaan, okay look it wasn't me. I didn't really start the fishstick thing, alriight?\nKanye: You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.\nMencia: No man it's truuue. I stole it maaan. I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funneee. Come on, maaan, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funneee? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, maaan.\nKanye: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?!\nMencia: Nothing! Look at me maaan. I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work maaan. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick.\nKanye: I ain't gonna hurt you. I pay people to do that for me.\nMencia: Awww shih oh no man, come on, I got no dick, man! [Kanye's men whip out their own back and start whacking Mencia all over. His right hand gets broken, his left shin bleeds. The men stop as Kanye approaches him]\nKanye: [in Mencia's face] Now, explain it to me. Why do people think I'm a gay fish?\nMencia: 'Cause... 'cause you like fish dicks, man. Come on, maaan. Don't you get it? Please, just get it, maaan.\nKanye: Why- Look at me, look at me! [Mencia manages to look at him] I love fishsticks. I love putting fishsticks in my mouth. [waits a while for an answer]\nMencia: You're a- ...you're a gay fish, maaan. [Kanye backs up, swings at Mencia and decapitates him, leaving his head hanging from his body by some skin]\nScene Description: Ellen.\nEllen DeGeneres: Thank you, thank you very much. Well, about a week ago our country was blessed with the fishsticks joke. And ever since then us comedians have been kicking ourselves for not thinking of it. [the audience laughs] But today we have with us the true creators of the fishsticks joke. Please welcome the comedy team of Cartman and Valmer. [Cartman and Jimmy go onstage and sit on the couch facing Ellen] Hey guys!\nCartman: Hi Ellen. [to the audience] Do you guys like fishsticks? [the audience laughs] Thank you, thank you. No, really. Thank you.\nEllen: So guys, I gotta ask: how did you come up with this incredible joke?\nJimmy: It was just a-\nCartman: Ellen, comedy is like a game of racquetball, you know? You serve, and the other person hits it back. It bounces off the wall, you backhand it. And it goes back and forth and back and forth and then hopefully you've got a good joke. Thank you.\nEllen: But guys, this joke is so... perfect. Can you explain how nobody thought of it before?\nJimmy: Well Ellen, the tr- tr- tr-\nCartman: Truth of the matter is that there has never really been a team like us before. I mean let's be perfectly honest: a lot of people wouldn't work with someone who's disabled. But I see past that. I look beyond Jimmy's disabilities and find ...a bond which can unite us in comedy. Working with crippled people is really ...important. [the audience applauds and cheers]\nEllen: That's so great. And, and are you crying, Jimmy?\nJimmy: Yes Ma'am. [the best and worst of times for him]\nCartman: Ahaw don't cry, pal. You're gonna get me started. Anyway, what was really important for us as a team, Ellen, was to make sure that everyone knew that we came up with the joke, and not Carlos Butthole Mencia.\nEllen: I see. And did you know that Carlos Mencia was found dead in his house this morning with fishsticks stuffed down his open neck hole? [Jimmy and Cartman are alarmed]\nCartman: Uhhh excuse me? [the crowd gets rowdy.]\nScene Description: Kanye's mansion. He was looking at the show with bat in hand...\nKanye: Get my jet ready. Looks like we got another inning to play. [walks up to the wall-mounted TV and smashes it with the bat.]\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, day, Jimmy's room. Cartman and Jimmy enter, with Jimmy still distraught.\nCartman: Alright, so check it out: We've got offers from Van de Kamp's and Gorton's Fisherman to do commercials.\nJimmy: It's always been my dream to go on a national TV show and talk about the c-c-craft of comedy.\nCartman: Yeah, that was kewl huh?\nJimmy: Eric, there's something I really need to know.\nCartman: Whassat?\nJimmy: How do you live with yourself? You know you had nothing to do with the fishsticks joke. [Cartman gets worried] But you just keep pretending. How do you look at yourself in the f-f-fucking mirror?! That's what I want to know!\nCartman: So... here it is.\nJimmy: How do you take credit for something you didn't do?!\nCartman: That is bullcrap Jimmy, and you know it! I had just as much to do with the fishsticks joke as you did! [Kanye kicks the bedroom door open and enters the room. His men pour in and start smashing the furniture apart] Dude, it's Puff Daddy!\nKanye: Tie up these motherfuckers! [cut to the next scene, in which Kanye swings at a lamp and shatters it, then looks at his hostages] Now I'm gonna ask you motherfuckers one more time: why did you start these rumors about me?!\nJimmy: Please, I wasn't starting rumors about you. I don't even know who you are.\nKanye: Aw right. Everyone knows who I am! I wanna know how this got started!\nJimmy: Well, we, we were just talking about ideas for jokes and then-\nCartman: Oh, so now it's we, huh Jimmy? A minute ago you said you did it all yourself!\nJimmy: Well I just but I buh I was, gonna ebeh-\nCartman: Abebeh, abebebebebeah! We both came up with it together! You wanna know how it happened?!\nScene Description: The fourth recollection. Cartman enters Jimmy's house in a rather nice outfit and sunglasses.\nCartman: Hello Jim.\nJimmy: Oh boy! It's my best pal, Eric!\nCartman: [moves the glasses back over his cap] What are you up to?\nJimmy: I'm trying to write jokes. But I'm not as funny as you, so it's tough.\nCartman: Well, maybe I can help you. We can team up. [goes for a chair]\nJimmy: Ruh really? Wow, you would help me even though I'm crippled. You are caring and not fat. [hands his joke sheet to Cartman as Cartman brings the chair over and sits next to him]\nCartman: Now let's see, how about a joke that has something to do with... fishsticks. You know, 'cause fishsticks sounds like fish dicks, Jimmy.\nSarah: [brings in a plate of potato chips] Eric Cartman, you are handsome and not even remotely fat.\nCartman: Thanks. [Sarah walks away] So, what I'm thinking is, \"Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?\" [something crashes into the house, making it shake violently. Jimmy and Cartman look around.]\nJimmy: What was that? [Butters opens the door and steps in]\nButters: Eric! Eric, you have to save us! An entire army of Jew robots! [outside, everyone scatters as robots march down the street firing off semiautomatic weapons. Cartman runs out to see what's happening. Butters and Jimmy follow right behind. Officer Barbrady and Mayor McDaniels look on helplessly]\nCartman: Oh my God, what are Jewbots doing here? [takes off his glasses] Flame on! [becomes engulfed in flames and flies into the air. He then sends streams of flames at the robots, destroying them instantly. He flies back down to his starting point] Flame off! [the flames disappear. Other fourth graders appear: Annie, Millie, Red, Clyde, Token and Wendy]\nWendy: You saved everyone from the Jewbots, Cartman.\nCartman: Come on, Jimmy, we gotta go back and finish that joke! [runs in and finishes the joke in a flourish. Jimmy walks in] \"Like fishsticks in your mouth? What are you a gay fish?\" There! [other kids look in]\nJimmy: Wow Eric, in-credible! Too bad I'm a dick and I'm gonna take all the credit. Su-su-suck it, bitch!\nScene Description: Back to the present.\nCartman: Aw dammit! I guess it really was all me who came up with it.\nJimmy: What?!\nCartman: You've gotta let Jimmy go, it's all my fault.\nJimmy: Jesus Eric, he's gonna kill you! You won't even admit it was just me, knowing you're gonna die?\nCartman: Jimmy, you really believe that you came up with it all on your own? Oh my God, wait. I totally get it now.\nKanye: What? I, I still don't get anything.\nCartman: All this time I've been mad at you, Jimmy, for trying to take all the credit, but, now I realize it's just that your ego has made you believe things happened differently. That's what Kyle was trying to tell me. That you have such a huge ego you do these mental gymnastics to make yourself a part of things.\nJimmy: Rih, r-r-really?\nCartman: I thought you were just trying to Jew me out of my part of the credit, but now I realize that... some people just have egos that are so out of whack that no matter what people tell them, they can't accept the truth of who they are. [Kanye looks as if Cartman is talking about him] Jimmy, I owe you an apology. I realize now you can't help believing you created the entire joke, because your ego won't let you think otherwise. I just have to accept that.\nJimmy: Thanks, Eric, for being so understanding.\nKanye: He's right. For so long I've considered myself God's gift to the world that I couldn't take it when people made fun of me. But they weren't makin' fun of me. They were tryin' to help me. [walks up to the boys and genuflects before them] Boys I understand what you did now. [to his men] Untie them guys. I know what I have to do.\nScene Description: The Santa Monica Pier, furthest point from land. Kanye stands at the edge of the pier ready to jump in.\nAide 2: Yo Kanye! You sure about this?\nKanye: It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me. [turns and faces his entourage.] Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys! [turns around, runs, and dives into the ocean below] I'm goin' home! [his crew looks down into the water as Kanye begins swimming in his new environment]\nScene Description: The waters off Santa Monica Beach. Kanye is swimming among the fish as a song begins...\nKanye: (Uh. Come on.) I've been so lonely, girl, I've been so sad and down. Couldn't understand why haters joked around I wanted to be free with other creatures like me And now I got my wish... 'Cuz I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo) Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a fish, yo) Going on a gay fish gay fish (it's alright, girl) Makin' love to other gay fish gay fish (Unh) All those lonely nights at the grocery store In the frozen fish aisle feeling like a whore  'Cuz I wasn't being true even though everyone said That I had to make a switch (gay fish)... Now I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo) Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a, I'm a fish, yo) Going on a gay fish gay fish (Yes, now where I belong, girl) Making love to other gay fish.\nScene Description: During the song, the following happens: Kanye begins to swim like a fish. He spots a yellow fish and lets it circle him a few times. He then hugs it and takes it to the surface. He then gives it a French kiss, then flips backwards into the water with it. He swims again, alone, when a large fish begins to follow him. He notices, swims to it, and begins to rub against it. Then he just swims with it, hugging its belly."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A close-up of Stan and Randy working on a tiny car. Randy is doing pretty much all the work. They are in the basement.\nRandy: Alright, [measures the length of the car's body] that's 2.8 centimeters... should give us a drag of only.. 26 milliseconds. Hold the front here, Stan. [Stan holds on to the car's front end as Randy whips out a cordless drill. Randy bores into the rear end of the car as Sharon comes down the stairs.]\nSharon: Hey guys, it's almost 2 a.m.\nRandy: [looks over his shoulder] We know!\nSharon: Well it's way past time for bed.\nRandy: Sharon, Stan's Pinewood Derby race is tomorrow! Do you have any idea how important this is to him? Stan is not gonna lose to the goddamn Hollises again!\nSharon: Well it's just a block of wood and some wheels; I don't think there's that much more you can do with it.\nRandy: That's 'cause you're a chick! Now just leave us alone! [turns his attention to the car again. Sharon goes upstairs] Don't worry, son, the Hollises are not beating us this year! I went and got something to put inside our car and make it go extra-fast. [pulls out a small box]\nStan: Dad, we're not allowed to add anything to the car that doesn't come in the approved kit, remember?\nRandy: Stan, how do you think the Hollises beat us every year? [opens the box to reveal a small glowing metallic ball, picks it up with some tongs] I'm sure they put lead in the wood or something; we're just leveling the playing field. [puts the small ball in the hole he just drilled out, then plugs the hole up with a stopper that lines up flush with the car body] There.\nStan: What is that?\nRandy: It's, uh it's nothing, really.\nScene Description: Channel 9 News.\nReporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the Hadron particle super-collider in Switzerland, where authorities are shocked and baffled over the theft of a superconducting bending magnet created for use in tests with particle acceleration.\nStan: [watching TV] Oh no, he didn't.\nReporter: The superconducting magnet was stolen sometime last week. Surveillance cameras were able to record the theft on tape and police are now looking for [a picture of Randy dressed as Princess Leia] Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. Caught here in these photos, the troubled rebel princess is seen taking the superconducting magnet and then appearing disoriented as she tries to find her way out. [Stan buries his head into his right palm in shame] If you have any information of Princess Leia's whereabouts, please call your local police department.\nScene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, track area.\nJudge: Alright Scouts and Dads, the racing continues. And it looks like our next heat is ready to go, in 3, 2, 1, race! [four boys release their cars. Token and Butters are two of the boys. The cars slide down a ramp and onto the straightaway, and hit a barrier at the other end of the track. Neither Token nor Butters wins] Two point one seconds for Tommy Bretts. Looks like we have a new leader, folks.\nTommy and his dad: [hi-five each other] All right!\nScene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, Registration area. Stan and Randy enter the building.\nRandy: Alright Stan, we're gonna need to check in and have our car inspected to qualify. [kneels down next to Stan] Now, son, Daddy needs to teach you something very important about \"tells.\"\nStan: Tells?\nRandy: When you tell them you only used the approved kit, don't look up and away, don't rub your neck, and don't touch your ear. Otherwise they'll know you're lying to them. Alright? Whenever you need to lie, just don't look up and away, rub your neck, or touch your ear.\nStan: Dad, maybe we should just take out the thing you put in the car an-\nRandy: Son. ...You have to learn how to lie correctly someday, might as well be today, alright? I love you, son. [rubs his neck and looks up and away. Stan notices and is shocked.]\nOfficial: Looks good. Thank you and good luck today. [the boy and his father leave, Stan and his father step up] Alright, next please. [Stan hands him his car. Randy rubs his neck again, then grins nervously] Name?\nStan: It's uh, Marsh. [the official puts the car on a small stand, then measures and weighs it]\nOfficial: Alright, car weighs in at 15 ounces. Do you hereby swear that you used parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit and only parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit?\nRandy: [coaxing Stan through gritted teeth] Yes I do, yes I do.\nStan: [in a resigned voice] Yes I do.\nOfficial: Alright young man, good luck today. [hands the car back to Stan. He and Randy walk away]\nRandy: [to himself, pumping both fists] Oh! Yes! [nearby they run into Mr. Hollis and son]\nMr. Hollis: Well well, look son, it's the Marshes.\nRandy: Ey Hollis. You, uh, you guys race already?\nMr. Hollis: No, little Emmett hasn't gone yet. Think they're saving the best for last. [pats Emmett's head and holds up their car] Clocked her in at home at 1.5 seconds. It's the fastest car we've ever built.\nRandy: One point five?\nScene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, track area.\nJudge: The time to beat is 1.9 seconds. May we please have... Brewster, Marsh, Jarvis, and Hollis. [the boys line up behind the starting gate, their cars in position. Emmett and Stan are next to each other]\nMr. Hollis: Huh, only fitting our boys should be going head to head for their match, hey Marsh? Heh. [sips from a can of Dr Pep-er]\nRandy: Come on, Stan, you can do this! [claps enthusiastically]\nJudge: Alright, kids, are you ready? Here we go, last race for the state championship in 3, 2, 1, Go! [the boys release their cars and Emmett's car takes the lead.]\nMr. Hollis: You got it Emmett! [Stan's car begins to shimmy and spark, then stretch itself. It soon takes off, blowing hair and papers around. It crashes through the wall and up into the air outside, shearing off a tree limb. It kills a bird on its way up, then buzzes a passenger jet plane. It heads right out into space. Everyone in the competition goes outside and follows the car's trajectory]\nRandy: Oh yeah! [jumps around] Oh yeah! [jabs a finger at Hollis] Suck on that, Hollis!\nScene Description: The Channel Nine news graphics appear.\nAnnouncer: This is Nine News at Ten.\nAnchorman: A Colorado boy and his father have set a new record at the Pinewood Derby. [a picture of the two winners appears over his left shoulder] Stan and Randy Marsh not only broke a speed record, but actually appear to have bent time and space and discovered warp speed. [Emmett is watching the news on his couch, sad that he lost] A parade was held for the winners earlier today [they're riding on a space shuttle float during the parade], and already offers for commercials and endorsement deals for the father and son appear to be pouring in. [Emmett goes to his father's study and trophy room and watches him]\nEmmett: Dad, I just want you to know I still love you. [a gun is cocked and Mr. Hollis kills himself with a gunshot through the head. The head and left arm quickly fall to his desk.] Waaaagh! [begins to hyperventilate] He's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK-\nScene Description: Space. The car has run out of fuel and is now tumbling through space. A tractor beam comes on and freezes it in place, then pulls it towards a large ship.\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan comes in and opens the door. Two agents are at the front door.\nAgent Marx: Stan Marsh?\nStan: Yeah?\nAgent Clark: I'm Agent Clark [on the left] and this is Agent Marx [on the right. Both men whip out their badges. They are members of the NSA] We'd like to talk to you about your Pinewood Derby car.\nStan: Aw crap, Dad! [the men enter the house and walk past Stan. He closes the door behind them]\nAgent Clark: Young man, what we are about to tell you is a matter of national security. Yesterday every country and embassy on Earth was contacted by... an alien life force.\nStan: Alien?\nAgent Marx: [they turn around] Apparently the alien came across your Pinewood Derby car and is now headed to our planet.\nStan: What does it want?\nAgent Clark: We believe that they intend to welcome us into the Galactic Federation of Planets. They will want to meet the people who discovered warp speed for our species.\nRandy: [coming down the stairs with a cup of coffee] Stan, did you use all the damned toilet paper agai-? [jumps back when he sees the men] Aw crap! [walks towards them defensively] What?! What do you guys want?! We said we only used what was in the kit! You got nothin' on us! You got nothin' on us!\nStan: Dad they aren't here for that.\nRandy: [lowers his guard and shakes Agent Marx's hand] Oh. Hi, I'm Randy Marsh.\nAgent Clark: Mr. Marsh, we were just telling your son that thanks to you, we have made first contact with alien life.\nRandy: [surprised, softly] What? [looks to his right and says normally] Hey, hey Sharon.\nAgent Marx: NASA's confirmed that an alien ship has entered our solar system and it is headed here.\nRandy: So, so guess what? Our Pinewood Derby car found alien life in space.\nSharon: [walks in from the kitchen with her own cup of coffee] What? Oh my God.\nRandy: Yeah, but I guess it's just a dumb little race like you said, huh Sharon?\nScene Description: South Park, evening. The town is gathered around an open space waiting for the aliens to drop down into the city. Channel 9 News and News 4 are waiting to record the event. An orchestra plays in a temporary gazebo, and a banner above it says \"WELCOME, GALACTIC FRIENDS.\" An organizer guides Randy and Stan to a prime spot in the clearing.\nReporter: The world holds its breath as an alien ship prepares to land. Now that our planet has achieved warp speed, we're about to be welcomed into the universal society. All thanks to a father and son who broke the warp barrier using only the parts in this [holds up a packet] Pinewood Derby car kit.\nGeneral: Mr. Marsh, you are on with all the world leaders. [gives him a cell phone. Randy's now on a conference call]\nRandy: Hullo?\nGordon Brown: Godspeed, Mr. Marsh.\nNicolas Sarkozy: Ze nation of France iz with you.\nTaro Aso: Good ruck witha 'harien, Mista Marsh.\nHu Jintao: Prease say herro froma China.\nRandy: Oh okay uh, uh stand by I- I think it's, I think it's landing. [A huge shadow falls over South Park as the ship descends. Three metallic feet come out of the bottom of the ship and set themselves on the asphalt, allowing the ship to land softly]\nReporter: Our first encounter with extraterrestrial life is about to happen. Will it be like in Star Trek: First Contact? Or will it be more like Contact, with Jody Foster? [the ship's doors open, a virtual ramp appears, and the alien walks down the ramp to the street.]\nAlien: I seek the life forms that made this. [holds up the car Stan launched into space.]\nRandy: That's ours, Mr. Alien. We are the Marshes, Randy and Stan.\nAlien: Oh yeah? [affects the manners and voice of a 1930's mobster, holds up a ray gun] You're gonna build me another one, see?\nRandy: He's got a gun!\nAlien: Everyone down on the ground! [everyone gets on the ground with their hands over their heads] Get those hands up! Let me see those hands! Do it now! I mean it! Show me those hands! I'm Baby Fark McGee-zax, the greatest gangster this universe has ever seen, right?!\nTownsman: You can't threaten us! [a blast from the alien's gun injures his thigh and he goes down] Ow!\nMcGee-zax: Who wants it next, huh?! [a shot of the crowd at Times Square] Anyone else on this planet wanna be a hero? [the crowd there covers its head, as do the various world leaders]\nRandy: What do you want?\nMcGee-zax: I'm on the lam. Got the entire Federation of Planets after me. But they ain't gonna catch me, ya got that?! They might have busted my warp drive, but you obviously know how to make 'em! [tosses the car to Randy, who catches it]\nNew Yorker: Screw this guy! He can't take out all of us! [McGee-zax fires into the air and the New Yorker gets a sparking sting on his right shoulder] Aargh!\nMcGee-zax: I can kill any mug on this two-bit planet I want! [a shot of McGee-zax from Akihabara, Tokyo. The Japanese cower and react to his image] You build me a new warp drive or you're all gonna get it, see?!\nJudge: Fine. He can build you what you want. All he needs is the official Pinewood Derby kit. Right Marsh?\nRandy: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's all we need, huh Stan? [under his breath] Oh boy.\nScene Description: The South Park Market parking lot. Stan and Randy attempt to recreate the supersonic car they made earlier. Just as in the basement, Randy is to the left.\nRandy: Okay, let's ah put the wheels on now, son.\nMcGee-zax: What's takin' so long?! You're stallin'!\nStephen: Come on Randy, just build him the warp drive and he'll leave us alone.\nRandy: We're working on it! [McGee-zax begins to pace back and forth behind them]\nStan: [whispering] Dad. Dad, you know we can't make the car go as fast as before with only the approved Pinewood Derby kit.\nRandy: [whispering] Yeah, thanks Stan, I know that.\nStan: [whispering] Well we have to tell them we used something outside the kit.\nRandy: [whispering] Do you have any idea how stupid that would make us look?!\nMcGee-zax: Alright, that does it! [fires off another shot into the sky. A second later Randy gets a call on his cell phone]\nRandy: Hello?\nSilvio Berlusconi: They justa blew up our government building! Ya got to hurry!\nGordon Brown: Mr. Marsh, why won't you finish the Pinewood Derby car?!\nRandy: Will you just give us a minute?! Gau!!\nStan: Come on, Dad. We've gotta come clean.\nRandy: [feeling the stress of urgency] Awhuh. [a siren sounds in the distance. In the sky another space ship shows up, with police sirens on it]\nMcGee-zax: Aw zahts, it's the intergalactic police.\nRandy: What?! [McGee-zax pulls out a small remote control from his left front pocket and aims it at his ship. One click and the ship is cloaked in invisibility. McGee-zax then takes Stan captive and backs away holding a gun to Stan's head]\nMcGee-zax: You'd better get rid of 'em or your whole planet is gonna get it, see?! [goes towards South Park Market] You tell 'em you ain't seen nothin', you got that?! [the sliding doors open and he takes Stan into the store] I ain't goin' to space jail! [the doors close. The police ship lands and two space officers come out and walk down their ramps to the ground. One officer has two mouths, the other just one. Both of them have four eyes and broad shoulders]\nOfficer 1: 'Scuse us, Earthlings, but uh, we've been in pursuit of a criminal from the Xenon galaxy. Fella by the name of Baby Fark McGee-zax?\nRandy: Uh, no. [pulls at his ear vigorously] We haven't seen anything.\nOfficer 1: Well, ya think anyone else on your planet might have seen him?\nRandy: Ahhh actually I- I happen to be on the phone with all the world leaders- I- I can ask. Uh yeah, listen, these, uh, police aliens are here, and they're wondering if anyone's seen an alien named Baby Fark McGee-zax.\nHu Jintao: Uh uh no, no, we haven't seen arien.\nNicolas Sarkozy: Uh we've seen nothing here in France.\nRandy: Sorry, nobody in the world has seen anything. Uh... what did this... criminal alien do, exactly?\nOfficer 1: He stole over 600 parsohns of space cash from the universal bank. You're absolutely sure you didn't see an alien land here?\nRandy: No, we're sure.\nOfficer 1: So then... we're the first aliens you've ever seen?\nRandy: That's right, yep, you're the first ones.\nOfficer 1: You don't seem that excited about your first contact with alien life.\nRandy: ...Uh. That's r-. That's right! [shakes his head in mock surprise] Oh, oh my God! Hey everybody, we just made first contact!\nOfficer 1: [hands Randy his translucent shimmering business card] If you do see any sign of the other alien or the space cash you-\nRandy: We will give you a call!\nOfficer 1: Mathematical semi-tonal is fine. [the space officers go back up their ramps to the ship, the ramps vanish behind them. Two blinking orbs appear above the ship and it takes off.]\nScene Description: The police ship.\nOfficer 1: Huh.\nOfficer 2: [uses both mouths] Something wrong, sir?\nOfficer 1: I don't know, Davert. Just somethin' about that planet didn't feel right. [blinks]\nScene Description: Back on the parking lot, Randy gives Stan the car body.\nRandy: Alright son, now you just paint the racing stripe like you did before.\nMcGee-zax: I don't need it painted, I just need it functional, all right?! [waves the gun around]\nRandy: Hey, the right paint job is a big part of what makes a Pinewood Derby car go fast!\nJudge: That's true.\nMcGee-zax: I swear, if you don't have that thing workin' in three minutes this whole planet is done for!\nStan: Dad, it's over. We have to tell everyone we cheated.\nRandy: No. I've got it all figured out, son. You have to kill the alien.\nStan: [alarmed] Kill the alien?\nRandy: Sshh! I've been filing down this piece of metal into a shank. I'm gonna call him over here to look at the car, and when I do, you shove that in his neck.\nStan: No. Dad, we don't even know what'll happen.\nMcGee-zax: What are you two whispering about, riiight?\nRandy: Oh no, that's uh that's it. We're done. Uh here. Come, come take a look.\nStan: Dad? [McGee-zax comes in for a closer look]\nRandy: Here, see? Here look, look real close at the axles here. [McGee-zax studies the axles, and Stan jabs him in the neck with the shank, making him bleed and vomit profusely and then die] Yeahaah! Ahalright, you got him son!\nScene Description: The general takes the remote from McGee-zax's corpse and removes the cloak from the ship with it.\nGeneral: Alright men, check the ship. [he and a bunch of lab techs board the ship and look around]\nRandy: [kneels by Stan] You see Stan? What did Daddy tell you? Everything worked out.\nStan: I guess so. It just still doesn't feel right.\nRandy: But Stan, it's over now. We'll never have to lie again.\nGeneral: Hey Marsh, get in here! [Randy gets up and goes up the ramp into the ship. Stan follows.]\nScene Description: Inside the ship. The general, lab techs, and a few townsfolk are inside now. Stan and Randy make their way through the group.\nStephen: Can you believe it?\nRandy: Oh my God. Spaaace caaash. [Before them is a towering pile of glittering blue bills]\nGeneral: Looks like those alien cops were right. Guess you should call them back now.\nRandy: Right. [takes out his phone but has second thoughts.] Or what if we didn't call the cops?\nStephen: Huh?\nRandy: Well I mean... [walks up to the pile] this is a lot of space cash, guys. Think o'what we could do with it.\nStan: No, Dad-\nMr. Garrison: He's right. We don't have to call the police back.\nGeneral: All right, let's get the cash put into boxes! [the men get to work]\nScene Description: Outside the ship. Randy is pleased with himself as he goes down the ramp. Stan follows him out.\nStan: Whoawhoawhoa Dad, what are we doing?\nRandy: Will you relax, Stan? [his phone rings and he answers it]\nTaro Aso: Don't think you can keep the all the space cash for yourself!\nAngela Merkel: That's right! This is all of our planet; the space cash belongs to all of us!\nJohn Howard: Either America shares that space cash with the rest of the world or we will tell the space cops!\nRandy: Alright, fine, look: there's plenty of space cash to go around! [hangs up on the leaders] Thanks to us, our planet is rich, son! [the general and other federal agents take the space cash away in boxes as Randy grins]\nScene Description: Four days later, in front of the fugitive ship. Randy is on his cell phone negotiating with the other world leaders.\nRandy: Oh no, China, we get to keep the ship. Because we killed the alien, you boner! Oh-oh come on England, you got just as much of the space cash as everyone else! [A siren is heard. Randy looks up to the sky and sees the space cops returning, but forgets to cloak the ship] Oh crap it's the cops! Hang on. [the police ship lands and the alien officers exit their ship] Ah hey, space officers.\nOfficer 1: Looks like the alien criminal did land here after all.\nRandy: Oh, that- You were talking about that alien. Oh yeah that one, he was here, yeah. He landed here, but we... we killed him.\nOfficer 1: And so, did you find the missing space cash?\nRandy: [thinks a moment] Nnno. Space cash? No. [strokes his ear, then rubs his neck with his left hand] There wasn't any space cash.\nOfficer 2: Well maybe someone else on your planet knows where it is?\nRandy: Hey ah ah, any of you other countries see any space cash?\nVladimir Putin: No space cash.\nTaro Aso: No we haven't-\nGordon Brown: No space cash.\nLuiz Inácio Lula da Silva: No.\nRandy: Yeah, it doesn't look like the space cash was ever here.\nOfficer 1: Uh huh. Guess he must have dropped it off at some other planet.\nRandy: [relieved] Probably.\nOfficer 1: Well you folks all take care now. [the officers turn to leave, but they turn around once again] Just... one more thing, Earthlings, uh... We had some images done of your planet and it appears that one of your poorer countries - Mexico? - has built 32 new hospitals and seven water parks in the last four days.\nRandy: [silent for a moment] Oh... Yeah, Mexico. You know oh, oh, yeah. All of us other countries chipped in and uh, gave Mexico some aid. Yeah they really needed... some new water parks.\nOfficer 1: Uh huh. Have a good day. [the officers turn and head up the ramps. The doors close and the police ship leaves the planet once again]\nRandy: [gets back on the phone] Hey. Hey Mexico! We said no spending the space cash yet! [a shot of the Mexican president at his desk with a new water park right outside his window] What the hell are you doing?! Will some country that speaks Spanish yell at Mexico please? They're gonna ruin everything!\nScene Description: Stan's room, later. Stan sits on his bed and holds his trophy, but he's not happy about it. He looks at it for a long while, then gets off his bed, walks over to his toy box, and puts the trophy on the lid. He puts his hands behind his back and holds one wrist with the other hand. He then looks at newspaper clippings from the day of the race. The headlines are as follows: \"FATHER AND SON SET PINEWOOD DERBY RECORD\", \"WARP SPEED DISCOVERED\", \"DAD AND SON GREET VISITORS FROM OTHER WORLD!\", \"DERBY WINNER KILLS ALIEN,\" \"CHINA BUILDS 48 NEW SOCCER STADIUMS.\" Stan sighs silently, sadly.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen. Randy is back on the phone with the world leaders, but he's getting disheveled.\nRandy: No, Japan! Will you listen to me for five seconds?! If you keep building giant robots the cops are gonna ask questions!\nTaro Aso: Well then why can Engrand build a nuclear power plant?!\nRandy: Nobody can build anything!!\nGordon Brown: Yeah, well, it's not even gonna matter, because Finland is thinking about telling the space cops the truth!\nRandy: Wha?! Finland?! [Stan walks by the kitchen to see what's going on]\nMatti Vanhanen: We believe the aliens are going to find out sooner or later what we did. It's best we come clean now.\nRandy: [getting exasperated] Will you just relax, Finland?! Nobody is gonna find out anything.\nMatti Vanhanen: I'm sorry, but our nation is resolved. We cannot live with the guilt anymore.\nRandy: Okay okay! [Stan leaves] You're right. You're right, Finland! Okay? You're right. Can you just... let us other countries talk pr-private, for a moment?\nMatti Vanhanen: Very well. [goes on hold]\nRandy: All right you guys, we've gotta get rid of Finland.\nHu Jintao: Yep, we gotta take out Finrand, they gonna squeal.\nJohn Howard: Yeah, I think we all agree. Guys? [eight leaders are shown onscreen and they all agree]\nScene Description: Outer space. Missiles from around the world begin to flow towards Finland and bomb the place.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. The family is having a nice quiet dinner when the police ship returns to South Park. Randy wipes his mouth dry and leaves the table.\nRandy: Oh dammit!\nScene Description: The landing area. A crowd gathers again and Randy walks up to the ship.\nRandy: Uh hey, space officers. How can we help you?\nOfficer 1: Well we're a little puzzled over one of your countries? Uh, Finland?\nRandy: [rubs his neck again] Whaa-wha-what about it?\nOfficer 2: It appears to have been... destroyed.\nRandy: [feigning surprise] Whaaat? Oh my God, not Finland.\nCrowd: Oh no, not Finland.\nRandy: Hey guys, Finland's dead.\nVladimir Putin: Oh no. No! Nooo.\nTaro Aso: Noo, not a Finrand!\nRaila Odinga: All of Finland, gone.\nRandy: Yeah, somebody better break the news to Norway; they were really close.\nOfficer 1: None of you knew anything about Finland's destruction?\nRandy: [rubs his neck again] No, I mean... Odds are, they nuked themselves. You know, suicide.\nOfficer 2: We didn't say anything about nukes.\nRandy: Or, or whatever they did, I'm sayin'.\nStan: 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! [the crowd makes way for him as he walks up to the ship] Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I'm giving back my Pinewood Derby trophy! [hands it to the judge]\nJudge: [takes the trophy] What?\nRandy: Stan?\nStan: The truth is, I don't deserve this trophy. 'Cause I cheated on my Pinewood Derby car. I used something not in the approved kit. [the crowd reacts to this admission.]\nTaro Aso: Not in the approved kit?!\nJohn Howard: He cheated on the Pinewood Derby?\nStan: This trophy isn't mine, and so I have to give it back! Because if I'm not honest now, then I'll have to keep this lie going forever. And it will just grow and grow. [everyone, including the world leaders from Kenya and South Korea, hangs on Stan's every word]\nRandy: Well Stan, we're proud of you for coming clean. But it doesn't change the fact that you cheated. Go to your room, son.\nOfficer 1: Your son seems to have some pretty inspirational words. You sure you Earthlings have nothing else to tell us?\nRandy: [gets on the phone with the other leaders] Hey uh, do we have anything else to tell the space cops?\nGordon Brown: Nope.\nNicolas Sarkozy: Nope.\nHan Seung-soo: No changes.\nRaila Odinga: Nope.\nVladimir Putin: No changes.\nLuiz Inácio Lula da Silva: Nope.\nHu Jintao: No. Tell them no.\nJohn Howard: No changes.\nRandy: [rubs his neck] Yeah, no, we've told you everything, space officers.\nOfficer 1: All right, that's it then. Come on out sir, it appears to be over. [a door on the lower level of the ship drops down from the outer wall to become a ramp, and a figure stands at the entrance, then walks down the ramp. The figure looks familiar...]\nRandy: [jumps back in horror] Aw shit, it's Baby Fark McGee-zax!\nMcGee-zax: My real name is Kevern Zaksor. I am the ambassador to new planet testing. [Stan and Randy look at each other]\nGordon Brown: What the hell are they talking about?\nKevern Zaksor: These are not space cops. [the officers remove their helmets] There is no space jail, and space cash is only worth what you as a planet decided it was worth. I mean, how stupid is your species? Space jail? Baby Fark McGee-zax?\nRandy: It was... a trick?\nOfficer 2: Whenever a civilization discovers warp speed, we want to bring them into the Federation of Planets, but first we do the space cash test, to see if that species is worthy of joining.\nKevern Zaksor: Needless to say, you all failed. [he and the two officers go back inside the ship. He turns at his door's entrance and clears his throat] People of earth, since you did not return the space cash, your species and your planet is hereby forever blocked off and barred from the rest of the universe. Goodbye. [his door closes. The ramps all go back into the ship and the ship takes off]\nRandy: No heywaitwait, no! [the ship zooms away from the planet and leaves behind two probes that evolve into a cube of energy shields] Well that sucks!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are seated at a table and Cartman runs up to them with a map.\nCartman: You guys! You guys! We can finally do it! We can finally leave this crappy town and live the life we've all dreamed of!\nButters: We can?\nStan: What are you talking about, dude?\nCartman: Haven't you assholes been watching the news? [rolls the map flat on the table] Pirating is back, my friends. Swashbuckling adventure on the high seas! The stuff we've all dreamed about! And it's all happening right here: [points to the circled nation on the map] Somalia.\nClyde: Somalia? Where's that?\nCartman: North Africa. Just picture it, guys: clear blue water with skull islands. Waterfalls and jeweled treasure underneath.\nButters: [in thrall] Whoa.\nCartman: I've worked it all out on Expedia. [traces the route from Denver to Somalia] We can take Southwest Airlines to Miami, then Dubai Air here to Cairo, and then it's just a 49-hour bus ride into Mogadishu, with all the booty and plunder a pirate could want.\nKyle: Wow, you know, Cartman? That is an awesome idea. You should totally go to Somalia.\nCartman: Right, and wi- [stops] Wait a minute. You never think my ideas are good, Kyle.\nKyle: No, I'm being totally serious. That is the best idea you've ever had. You should run away to Mogadishu. You should go there right away. I'll even help pay for your ticket.\nCartman: Wow, cool! Wait a minute. The fuck?! Why would you do that? Unless... you're trying to trick me somehow.\nKyle: Nono, you're right. Somalia is an oasis of treasure and waterfalls. It's totally the pirate's life.\nCartman: Then why don't you wanna go?\nKyle: Well, c-cause dude, I'm Jewish, a-and you know...\nKyle, Cartman: Jews can't be pirates.\nCartman: That's true. Well, I'm glad you've finally come to terms with your disability, Kyle. [rolls up the map] Gentlemen, I'm off to start planning! [walks away]\nKyle: [puts his hands together and prays] Please. Please let him go.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. The students are in their seats. Three notes play over the PA system.\nGordon Stoltski: Good morning, students. These are the morning announcements. Teacher-parent conferences have been rescheduled to next Tuesday. [Mr. Garrison reads during the announcements] Please inform your parents. The gym is being repainted, and is closed until tomorrow afternoon. And now for a special announcement:\nCartman: Avast there, mateys! [the class looks up at the speaker] Do ya have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life? [a shot of some kids in the hall, including sixth graders] Arrre you sick and tired of your parents and teachers telling you what to do all the time? [a shot of the kindergarten class, and its teacher] Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club, arrrr! [back to Mr. Garrison's class] Just imagine it, me hearties! A life without rules, without homework and chores! You can live the pirate's life in Somalia, me friends! [Kyle looks at the blackboard, his eyes half-closed. Stan begins to write stuff down] Even Kyle said so. [Kyle buries his face into his desk] Our first official pirate mee'in will be 4 pm today at Kevin Stoley's house!\nKevin: At my house? Why my house?\nCartman: There will be refreshments served! So make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevinnn! So come one, come all! The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate, and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or ginger! Arrrgh!\nGordon: And for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. Thank you.\nScene Description: Kevin Stoley's house, basement, just past 4. Butters is leading the meeting, as Cartman hasn't arrived yet.\nButters: Ahoy fellow club members. Congratulations on leaving your meaningless lives behind to become pirates. [only four kids showed up - Kevin, Ike, Clyde, and Gordon Stoltski] Your life of boredom is at an end, thanks to Captain Cartman. All hands on deck! [blows into a whistle. To his left, by the stairs, is a door with a sign, \"Captain\" on it. Cartman enters the room though that door.]\nCartman: Attention! All right, you booty lovers! So you decided to join Captain Cartman's edjeh... [sees Gordon Stoltski, then goes into a low voice] Uh, guys, who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?\nClyde: Well, there's really not that many of us. We figured we should let him join.\nCartman: But guys, g-i-n-g-e-rs can't be pirates because they don't have souls. Please get it out of here.\nGordon: Fine, I don't wanna be a pirate anyways! [leaves his seat and goes out the stairs and out of the basement]\nCartman: Okay, anyways. Now enough small talk, lads! It's time for us to start rapin' and plunderin'!\nButters: Yeah!\nCartman: We set course tomorrow! I purchased everyone's ticket online using me mother's credit card!\nClyde: And your mom is okay with that?\nCartman: Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do I care what me mudder thinks anymore?\nButters: Neato!\nCartman: Alright lads! Go home and write your farewell letters to your families! The land of pirates awaits! [holds up a jeweled sword]\nButters: Pirates ho! [holds up his own small sword. The others follow suit with daggers]\nClyde, Ike: Pirates ho!\nKevin: Ho! [his sword is a lightsaber. Cartman looks at it in disbelief]\nCartman: Kevin, Goddammit! [Kevin turns off the lightsaber's light]\nScene Description: Montage. A passenger jet flies out of Denver International.\nClerk: Have a good flight. Next, please? [Cartman approaches with his crew. He hands the clerk his payment]\nCartman: We be headin' to Somaaliaa. By way of Miami to Cairo. And take care o' you put us in an exit row, you land lubber!\nClerk: [slowly] I see. You five boys are all booked through to Cairo by yourselves?\nCartman: That we be, lass. It's all paid for on me mudder's credit card.\nButters: [has second thoughts and turns around] Oh jeez. Unh I don't know if I can really go through with this.\nCartman: What?!\nButters: It's just l-leavin' everything behind, uh, uh I can't believe I'm actually doing it.\nClyde: Yeah maybe we should think about this.\nCartman: You guys, the fuck? Are you forgetting how crappy your lives are?! All the homework, the rules?! Butters, do you really wanna just go back to school, where people just make fun of you?\nButters: Huh, who, you mean you?\nCartman: Yes! Do you really wanna go back to that?!\nButters: No, I'm sick of it!\nCartman: Well all right then, fag! We can't turn back now! The path to adventure lies just beyond this ticket counter! And if you four have really come all this way just to turn back now, then seriously you guys, the FUCK?\nButters: He's right, lads. To adventure!\nScene Description: The flight path is shown. It follows the path Cartman traced on the map. Butters is giddy looking out the window. As the plane crosses the Atlantic the boys play in their seats. Once the plane reaches Cairo, the boys transfer onto a bus and go south across Egypt, Sudan, Ethiopia, and finally Somalia, ending in Mogadishu. A shot of the city from the air, looking east. The bus stops and everyone gets off. The road underneath it is dusty. The boys walk away from the bus, then it rolls off. They can't believe what they see.\nClyde: This is Somalia?\nButters: Where's all the waterfalls and shi-and shipwreck lagoons?\nCartman: The FUCK?! [some Somalis notice them and stop to look] 'Scuse me, where are the pirates? [stops a man walking by] Hey, hey we're looking for the pirates? Where can we find the-uh! [the man ignores him and keeps on walking.] Butters, get the phrase book out. [Butters approaches with the phrase book in hand] Ask these people where the pirates are.\nButters: Uhh, [mumbles a bit] mahjey burazi?\nSomali 1: Burad. Iyaja dene zaredeko.\nSomali 2: Buradi wakuwasa.\nButters: Oh. He-he says they're in there. [points to his left. A mustard-colored building is being defended by two guards.]\nCartman: Ah, nice. Come on, mateys! [the boys turn and walk towards the building]\nSomali 2: Mayasuk! Hageha-aden! Letka suwahater! [Translation: \"No! wait! Don't go in there! Those people are dangerous!\"]\nCartman: Yes, bebebudjuhbluhbluhbluhbluh. Thank you. [dismissing the warning, he and his crew continue on to the building.]\nScene Description: The pirates' lair. They go about their business until they notice the boys enter. Cartman walks on into the middle of the lair.\nCartman: Avast! [no one else says a word. In a low voice, he says] These aren't pirates, they're just a bunch of black people.\nScene Description: The following is taken from the episode, as they are English subtitles.\nPirate 1: \"Is this some kind of joke?\"\nPirate 2: \"I don't know what the fuck this is!\"\nCartman: I am Captain Cartman and this here be my terrible crew! We be lookin' for a ship to pirate with.\nPirate 1: \"These white children will bring a high price in ransom money!\"\nPirate 2: \"Take them out to the nearest European boat! Show them we have children hostages!\" [surrounding pirates stand up with their rifles]\nCartman: Yes, very nice. Apparently, these are the pirates.\nScene Description: The pirates' bay. Several pirates walk the boys down the dock.\nPirate 3: [wearing a #13 jersey] \"Move it! Go over that way!\"\nPirate 4: [wearing a mustard-colored shirt] \"We will get a nice ransom for you!\" [the fifth pirate wears a black shirt]\nCartman: Oh, excellent! They're taking us to a ship. Once we commandeer our vessel the plundering will be easy indeed, lads. [they all stop next to a small boat]\nPirate 3: \"Get on board!\"\nPirate 4: \"Do it now!\" [the boys turn to see the boat the pirates want them on]\nCartman: This... is your pirate boat? Dude, the FUCK! Alright, seriously you guys? What kind of pirates are you? I mean, really? The FUCK, dude, the FUCK?!\nPirate 3: \"Get on the boat now!\"\nPirate 4: \"Move!\"\nCartman: Alright lads, guess we'll have to settle with this meager ship. Two of you sit aft and two of you sit in the front.\nKevin: I gotta sit middle 'cause I get motion sickness. [the other boys climb in and all four end up on the same row]\nCartman: Kevin, Jesus Christ! [a pirate starts the motor and the boat moves forward] Hard to starboard, lads! There's sure to be lots of booties out hyah! [Clyde begins to cry] Clyde, the fuck?!\nClyde: You said there was gonna be crystal clear lagoons and treasure and plunderrrr! [continues crying]\nCartman: Calm down, Clyde. Everything's gonna be okay!\nClyde: No it's not! You made me run away to be a pirate and there's not even any treasure!\nCartman: Ike, will you do something about Clyde, please? [Ike looks at Clyde and smacks him. Clyde stops crying] Very nice, Ike. [looks ahead] All right me hearties! Keep your eyes open for boats to plunder! [before them is a French cruise ship]\nScene Description: The French cruise ship, day.\nFrench Captain: \"Keep your eyes open, Mr. Leon. These waters are full of renegades and thieves.\"\nMr. Leon: [ship's navigator] \"Yes, Captain!\" [an alarm sounds and the captain leaves the bridge to find out what's going on.]\nDeck Hand: [sees the captain and approaches] \"Captain! We have an unknown vessel approaching quickly to port!\"\nFrench Captain: \"Damn pirates! Alert the crew! All hands on deck!\" [the little boat pulls up next to the cruise ship. The captain and his crew gather in front of the bridge and the captain looks at the pirates through his binoculars]\nPirate 5: [through a bullhorn] \"We demand ransom for these children! Pay us or we will kill them!\"\nFrench Captain: \"They've got CHILDREN HOSTAGES!\"\nCruise Attendant: \"My God!\"\nFrench Captain: \"Get the U.N. on the radio. Advise them of the situation.\"\nPirate 5: \"We want 5,000 Euros! You easily have that much on board!\"\nCartman: Du-dude! You're doing it all wrong! Let me handle this. [takes the bullhorn from him] Alright ya scalliwags! Surrender your plunder and let me send my shot across your bow!\nPirate 4: [moves over to Cartman and aims his rifle at him] \"We are going to start killing them! Starting with the fat one!\"\nCartman: Yeah that's good, but now go ARRRGH!\nButters: ARRRRRRGH!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle is looking mighty relaxed now that Cartman is gone. He's in the living room talking on the phone with Stan.\nKyle: Yeah? Okay, and you checked with Kenny and Token? He's not just staying at their houses?\nStan: [in the kitchen at his house] No, dude, everyone's checked. I think Cartman really ran away to Somalia.\nKyle: Yes! I can't help but take some credit for this. I helped convince him to go!\nStan: You really think he'll die in Somalia?\nKyle: [chuckles] Oh for sure, dude! It's the most God-forsaken place on the planet! Things are finally gonna be normal around here.\nSheila: [voice only, but soon comes down the stairs with Gerald behind her] Oh God! Oh God, what did we do wrong, Gerald?! [She has a letter in her hand. Kyle's happiness vanishes]\nGerald: Take it easy. We'll find him.\nKyle: I'll call you back. [hangs up. Sheila approaches him.]\nSheila: Oh Kyle, he's gone! Your little brother's run away from home!\nKyle: What? Are you sure?\nSheila: He left a note saying he's never coming back.\nKyle: [takes the note and reads it aloud] \"Dear Mommy and Daddy: I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be a-\" to be a pirate?! Oh shit!\nSheila: Oh Gerald, what are we gonna do?\nGerald: It's alright, he couldn't have gone far. Let's call the other kids' houses. [leaves with Sheila and the phone]\nKyle: Oh God. What have I done?\nScene Description: The French cruise ship, day.\nPirate 4: \"We are growing impatient! Give us what we want or they die!\"\nCartman: The FUCK are you pirates doing?! Are we gonna plunder them or not?!\nFrench Captain: \"Alright! Alright! We are going to give you what you want! But you must hand over the children UNHARMED!\"\nPirate 5: \"The money first!\" [a crewman throws down a bag of money to the small boat and one of the pirates catches it and opens it. A rope ladder is unfurled so the boys could climb up to the cruise ship] \"Go! Get on the boat! Move!\"\nCartman: Alright, let's go! [the boys go up the ladder and board the ship]\nCruise Attendant: \"We got 'em - They're safe!\" [the pirate boat turns and zooms away]\nFrench Captain: [to the pirates] \"Your crimes will not go unpunished!\" [turns and faces the kids] \"Are you kids alright?\"\nCruise Attendant: \"Did they hurt you?\"\nCartman: Quiet, you sons of biscuit eaters! This boat is now pirate propertih! Now get ye to your lifeboat, lest you wanna be shark bait!\nFrench Captain: \"What is this?!\"\nCartman: Plunder the booty, lads! This ship is ours!\nButters: Okay! [runs off to plunder]\nCartman: I said, get off my boat!\nFrench Captain: \"Hey! You can't order us around!\" [Kevin walks up with his lightsaber and turns it on. The captain and crew jump back. Kevin waves it around, Cartman rolls his eyes to the right, and the captain and crew move in that direction. They all head to a lifeboat]\nFrench Captain and crew: [Talking over each other] Qu'est qu'il passe!? Mon Dieu! (\"What's going on!? My God!\")\nCartman: That's it! Get in there you swarmy dogs! [the captain and crew get on the lifeboat] Lower 'em down, Ike. [Ike lowers the lifeboat to the ocean]\nFrench Captain: \"Scoundrels! You will pay for this!\"\nButters: Have a good day! [the lifeboat is safely on the water. Cartman quickly begins to make changes. The French flag comes down and the skull and bones one goes up. Cartman walks up to the the ship's bow]\nCartman: Hard to port, lads!\nClyde: [relaying the message] Hard to port!\nButters: [at the wheel. Ike stands on a stool next to him] What's \"port\"?!\nCartman: Just make the boat go that way, kind of. [the ship ends up turning towards shore, towards the pirates' lair.]\nScene Description: Pirate's lair, docks. The 3 Somali pirates have just finished tying up their boat when they stop and look towards the sea. The ship's horn blows and the ship heads towards the dock, with Cartman standing at the bow.\nCartman: That's good. Now bring her around topside. [the cruise ship pulls up alongside the pier and lowers the rope ladder. The boys get off the ship and head back to the lair. Cartman stops for a moment and points it out to the pirates] Now that's a pirate ship!\nScene Description: Pirate's lair, bar. Armed Somali pirates are sitting around and chatting with each other.\nCartman: [the boys head enter the bar] A fine day o' plunderin' we had, boys! What about yourselves? [starts tossing wads of cash at pirates] Here you are, lads. Plenty of booty to go around. [walks to an open table and has the boys sit there] A round of grog for me boys! [a pirate brings drinks to the table and passes them out] A round of grog for everyone! [the pirate leaves] The fuck is this? This is water in a Dixie cup! Alright, Goddammit, really you guys! What kind of pirates are you?! Look at yourselves! You disgrace the Blackbeard! I don't know where you people get off calling yourselves pirates! [gets up and walks around] Little beat-up boats, water in Dixie cups. I mean, I mean look, look at this guy! [the pirate he's looking at has lost his left leg from the knee down] Look at this guy for Christ's sake! [rips a leg from a chair and ties it up the pirate's left leg] I mean, how hard is this, people?! [the pirate grins and hobbles away with his new peg leg. Cartman walks back to the boys' table, then stands on it] I tell you lads, if we're gonna be the most feared people on Earth, then there needs to be some Goddamned changes around here! Weee drink and we pillage and we do what we please! We get all that we want for free!\nCartman, Butters: We'll kick your ass and rape your lass. Somalian pirates we! So with a yo ho ho! [No one says a thing]\nCartman: [sighs] Goddamnit people! With a yo ho ho!\nPirates: [awkwardly] Yo ho ho.\nCartman: And with a yee hee hee!\nPirates: [awkwardly] Yee hee hee.\nCartman: We take to the African sea! We'll brave the squalls and bust your balls Somalian pirates we!\nPirates: Somalian pirates we.\nScene Description: Butters mops the deck with the pirates. Cartman leads other pirates off the ship with fresh booty. Other pirates build up a sand sculpture of a giant skull. Next, they paint \"Beware!\" on the cruise ship. Butters walks up to Ike, who puts a tri-corner hat on a Somali pirate. Nearby, pirates carry barrels of \"ALE\" between them.\nTogether: We left our homes and we left our mudders to go on a pillagin' spree! We'll cut off your ears and break your toes and make you drink our pee! And if you sail into our waters, you best hear this decree: We'll take your boat, set your ass afloat!\nScene Description: One of the barrels has another pirate in it.\nPirate: Somalian pirate we.\nCartman: Nice. And with a yo ho ho!\nScene Description: A shot of the sand sculpture.\nPirates: Yo ho ho!\nScene Description: A shot Clyde and Kevin raising the flag on the flagpole, then of Cartman nailing down the lair's new name: Skull Cove.\nCartman: And a tricky lahty do!\nPirates: Tricky lahty do!\nScene Description: Cartman makes a choir out of the pirates and conducts them.\nCartman, Choir: We'll shoot you in the face with glee! Then we'll cut off your ears-\nCartman: Okay okay, let's stop there for a minute. Remember, on tricka lahty do, that's a \"lahty do\" Okay, really need you guys to enunciate the \"lahty\" Uh, Nadif, if I can get you and Abdikaram to sing the harmony on the second \"yo ho\". And uh, Hashmish, is it? I'm sorry, but you're a little flat. Remember to sing out, don't close your throat, m'kay? So let's go from uh, bar 14. We'll pick up after the quarter rest. Ike? [Ike is at a spinet piano]\nPirate Choir: Somalian pirates we.\nCartman: Better! With a yo ho ho!\nScene Description: Cartman looks out over the cove with a telescope from the crow's nest. The cruise ship, now called \"The Black Diamond,\" pulls up along another French ship and force its crew to surrender. Cartman pours water over a lazy crocodile.\nChoir: Yo ho ho!\nCartman: And a tricky lahty do!\nChoir: Tricky lahty do!\nCartman, Choir: We'll shoot you in the face with glee! Then we'll cut off your cock and feed it to a croc.\nIke: Somalian pirates we.\nScene Description: Ike sets off a coconut cannonball, but the coconut simply falls out. Next is the big finish, with everyone gathered around Cartman on the beach.\nPirate Choir: Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee.\nCartman: Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee.\nScene Description: Off shore is a tanker called \"Paolo.\" The French crew is now on board with cups of water and draped in blankets, and the tanker's captain is on the phone with the U.N.\nPaolo Captain: We found them adrift in a lifeboat, sir. They say that pirates took their ship by force.\nU.N. Leader: Damn pirates! What's causing them to suddenly be so much more active? Is the crew okay?\nPaolo Captain: Yes sir. They're French, so they surrendered immediately. [addresses the crew] Once the pirates boarded your ship how did they force you off?\nFrench Captain: Il avait un lightsabeur. (\"He had a lightsaber\")\nCruise Attendant: Oui. Un lightsabeur. (\"Yes. A lightsaber\")\nDeck Hand: Le lightsabeur - terrible. (\"The lightsaber...it was terrible\")[does lightsaber sound effects, then sobs.]\nPaolo Captain: Sir, the pirates appear to have forced the French crew off their boat with a lightsaber.\nU.N. Leader: My God, pirates are getting better-equipped every day! Gentlemen, I want the President of the United States on the phone. We can no longer fight the pirates on the seas. We have to take them out where they live.\nScene Description: Skull Cove, later. Cartman enjoys a drink from a coconut shell.\nCartman: What did I tell you, Butters? This is the good life, huh? [a shot is heard, followed by commotion from the pirates. Cartman and the boys walk over to a crowd of pirates gathered around something] What's going on?\nPirate 6: \"We have a hostage!\"\nPirate 7: \"Another American arrived on the bus!\"\nCartman: Ahhh, good. A hostage will bring a fine ransom. [the crowd splits in two and Kyle is shown. Kyle is tied up so he can't use his arms. Ike looks happy to see Kyle.] Well well well well well!\nScene Description: A news flash.\nAnnouncer: This is CNN... N.\nAnchorman: Breaking news of yet another pirate crisis in Somalia. Members of NATO received word today that pirates have captured an American child and are demanding ten million Euros for his safe release. U.S Navy ships have been deployed and the pirate standoff is about to get ugly.\nScene Description: Skull Cove, later. Cartman paces back and forth with confidence.\nCartman: Well well well well well well well well well Kyle! You came all this way to try and join my pirate club.\nKyle: No, fatass, I came to get my brother! We all have to get out of here! It isn't safe.\nCartman: \"It isn't safe.\" That's not what you said back in the cafeteria, Kyle. In the cafeteria you said Somalia was \"awesome.\"\nKyle: I know! I was lying then!\nCartman: Or are you lying now? So many lies, Kyle, you can't even keep them straight. You just couldn't stand that we were living in paradise while you were back home.\nKyle: This isn't paradise and you know it! The people here are starving and dying! The whole world has used Somalia as a dumping ground for toxic waste. Even the fish here are radioactive! [a fish walks out of the water on hind legs, squawks, turn around and goes back into the ocean] Cartman, just give me my brother [Cartman turns around and faces Kyle] and let us get out of here!\nCartman: Your brother is with Butters taking inventory of our latest plunder, Kyle. You... just sit tight till we hear about your ransom money, hmhmm.\nScene Description: Inside the pirates' lair, Butters and Ike stock a French tool box. Butters announces the items and hands them to Ike.\nButters: One box of Italian passports. One necklace, gold. Three crewmember watches.\nPirate 4: [walks up to the two boys] Ey excuse me. Can I ask you a question?\nButters: Oh. Uhuh sure, Galeed.\nGaleed: Why did you Americans come here?\nButters: Well, 'cause our lives sucked back home! We had all these rules and homework.\nIke: Yeah, homework.\nButters: And our parents hollered at us!\nIke: Yeah.\nButters: So we wanted to come here and be pirates.\nIke: Piewets!\nGaleed: But that's what I do not understand. Why would anyone \"want\" to be a pirate?\nButters: Huh?\nGaleed: Every day I dream that I can go to school. Learn about the world. But my mother, she is dyin' of AIDS, and there is no money for medicine. My father was killed trying to find food for us. Do you know how I feel every time we try to capture a boat? Scared. And not just scared because I might get killed, but scared because if I don't get something out of it, my family and friends are going to die. I don't want to be a pirate. I don't see how anybody would. [turns and quickly runs out of the lair.]\nIke: Oh my God. [rests his head against a chair]\nButters: Jeez. Guess we kind of got put in our place, huh Ike?\nIke: I feel, like an asshole.\nButters: Yeah, me too.\nScene Description: Outside on the cove, Cartman has Kyle on the makeshift plank above the crocodile.\nCartman: Go on! Walk the plank, you scurvy dog!\nKyle: Cartman, knock it off!\nCartman: That's Captain Cartman, you Jewswoggle!\nPirate 6: \"Do you think all American kids are as crazy as these are?\"\nPirate 8: \"It's starting to look that way.\"\nButters: [runs up to Eric with Ike in tow] Eric! Hey Eric. Listen, we wanna go home.\nCartman: What?!\nButters: Me and Ike, well, we've been talkin' and, well guys, we really had it pretty good back in America. I mean, sure, it's easy to think our lives are boring and full of rules, but a lot of people have it way worse. The pirate's life isn't a life of fun and adventure, it's a life of hardship and suffering. When you get down to it, well we were pretty lucky to have the lives we did. [Clyde begins to cry again]\nCartman: Clyde!\nClyde: I hate it here and I wanna go home!! [begins to bawl]\nCartman: [threatens the other three boys with his sword; they back down] You guys cannot leave the pirate club now! How can you not want to stay in this paradise we've created?! In Somalia, people have no laws! They have no rules! And they never grow old!\nKyle: They never grow old because they die before they're 30!\nCartman: Nobody's goin' anywhere!! I'm the captain of this outfit! [whistles] To arms! [the real pirates gather around and aim their rifles at the boys] Now, is there any question who's in charge? I have an entire pirate crew willing to do anything for me!\nPirate 5: \"Hey, what's that?\" [in the distance a U.S. ship gets into position]\nCommander: Alright men, remember, do not hit the white ones!\nCartman: Me and my crew are gonna go on piratin' forever! [a volley of bullets takes down all the pirates, leaving the six boys unharmed. The boys look at the carnage around them]\nSniper: [several seconds later] Clear.\nCartman: The FUCK?!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night.\nGerald: [voice over] You have been very very naughty! [a shot of Kyle's parents having sex in bed] You're a naughty girl! [begins to grunt with every thrust]\nSheila: Oh yes, Gerald! I've been so naughty! [joins in the grunting for a few seconds] Ah, oh, oh, oh jeez! Oh! [their bedroom door opens]\nGerald: [quickly turns around and faces the door] What the?! ...Ike! [Ike is at the bedroom entrance looking scared. He's dragging a puppy plushie around] Ike, get back to bed right now!\nIke: I'm scared. There's a ghost.\nGerald: Uh, not this again. [angrily] Ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts!\nIke: But, Daddy, I saw the-\nGerald: No buts! Get back to your room right now and don't come out! You got it?! [Ike turns left and walks out of view, his head hanging]\nSheila: Gerald, what has gotten into him?\nGerald: [sighing] Hoh, I don't know. I think maybe with all the news of famous people dying this summer, he just freaked himself out.\nScene Description: Ike's room, moments later. The moon fills the room with dim light and a tree outside the window casts a moving shadow onto Ike's bed. Ike sits in his bed nervously. He looks outside the window, and the tree's branches rap at his window in the high wind. Ike looks around and shuts his eyes. His mobile playset begins to turn slowly. A loud sound wakes Ike and then he gasps. A ghost makes its way towards the window from outside, passes through it slowly, then lunges at him. As soon as the ghost is at the foot of the bed, it becomes recognizable as Billy Mays, the late TV pitchman.\nBilly Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser.\nIke: AAAAAAAAA!\nBilly Mays: Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains? Don't just rub 'em, Megascrub 'em!\nIke: Billy Mays, NO! [jumps out of bed and runs into his closet. The camera pans out...]\nBilly Mays: [...and Billy is in the closet too] Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away.\nIke: [runs out of the closet, through his room, and into the hallway.] MMOOMMMYYY! [runs towards the stairs and passes another room. Another celebrity appears in the entrance] AAAAAA! Farrah Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett! [runs to a door opposite the room and opens it. A man appears hanging from the ceiling in that room, wearing fishnet stockings] AAAAAA! David Carradine! [runs away from that room and heads for the stairs, but stops in his tracks and gasps]\nBilly Mays: [walking up the stairs] Hi, Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend It, the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again. [Ike backs away towards his room]\nIke: NOOOOO!\nKyle: [comes out of his room] Ike! Ike, what?!\nIke: Make Billy Mays go away! Make Billy Mays go away! [Kyle looks, but nothing is there] Make him stop! [buries his face in Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him] Make him stop, Kyle!\nScene Description: The office of one D. Land, Ph. D., Psychiatrist, day. Inside, the psychiatrist has Ike on a couch and is trying to get him to open up.\nDr. Land: Now, Ike, your family is very worried about you. Ike, you can talk to me. I'm a therapist. Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay.\nIke: No, it's... it's a secret.\nDr. Land: Ike, tell me your secret. I promise not to tell anyone else.\nIke: [turns his head to the right to look at the doctor] I see dead... ce-le-bri-ties.\nDr. Land: You mean, you see dead celebrities on TV? In the news?\nIke: I see them walking around. They talk to me.\nDr. Land: Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?\nIke: Just Ed McMahon. [Ed McMahon's ghost looks at Ike over Dr. Land's right shoulder, then turns right and walks off]\nDr. Land: How often do you see dead celebrities?\nIke: All the time. [blinks a few times]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman has the remote control and is flipping through channels.\nCartman: 'Sup, Jew?\nKyle: Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him. He says he's still seeing dead celebrities.\nCartman: HA! What a dumbass!\nKenny: (What do you think is wrong with him?)\nKyle: I don't know. Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry. He was screaming the name \"Billy Mays\" over and over again.\nCartman: Billy Mays? Billy Mays?! [hops off the sofa] Dude, you didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays?\nStan: Dude, I don't even know who that is.\nCartman: The guy on TV who had incredible things for people to buy? He died four months ago but they still show his commercials all the time? Oh, oh for the love of Christ, here! [quickly flips through the channels until a Billy Mays commercial appears] Here here! This, this is him!\nScene Description: Commercial. Mays is in a laundry room.\nBilly Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle [shows off two Chipotle burritos], but you hate all those terrible bloodstains in your underwear. [shows off bloodstained underwear]\nMan 1: [holding a burrito in his right hand] I love Chipotle. But getting all the bloodstains out of my underwear is a nightmare. [a shriek is added for emphasis]\nBilly Mays: [now near a washer and dryer] Well now there's a product that can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle right off your underwear. Chipotl-away. [shows off the bottle, which says Chipotlaway. What follows is a demonstration of how the product works] Just one Chipotle burrito [shown] can leave up to a quarter cup of underwear blood [a quarter cup of red liquid is poured onto the briefs], but Chipotl-away [a couple of squirts of it makes the liquid vanish] makes your underwear clean [a towel is used to remove the liquid and product] and ready for more. [a man is shown stocking up on briefs, but they slip from his arms] Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle. That can cost you thousands. Chipotl-away gets rid of bloodstains and leaves underwear good as new. [a pair of black hands smooths some briefs out over a table, then puts the Chipotle burrito on it] Imagine having underwear so clean you can practically eat off of it.\nMan 2: [leans down towards the burrito and smiles at the camera] Mmm, Chipotle. [gives a thumbs up and begins to eat off his underwear]\nBilly Mays: Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want [two women eat burritos on a park bench.], and still have underwear that sparkles and shines [one of the women holds up a pair of clean panties, which sparkle and shine]. Order right now!\nScene Description: TV promo.\nCartman: That product changed my life. It really works. I use it all the time.\nKyle: What?! Are you serious?!\nCartman: Look Kyle, if there's even a chance that Billy Mays' soul is not at rest, then I wanna help however I can.\nKyle: Dude, why the hell would you DO that?!\nCartman: Because he was a great person, Kyle.\nKyle: NO, why the hell would you keep eating something that made you crap blood?!\nCartman: ...Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good. You guys, we have to help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this. And I think I know just who to call...\nScene Description: An episode of Ghost Hunters.\nAnnouncer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters [a cemetery is shown]: a little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities. [a shot of Ike floating across the screen, with various backdrops behind him] Now the Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it. It's the gayest show in the fucking world; Ghost Hunters!\nJason: Alright, tell us what we got this week, Kris.\nKris: We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm-\nJason: Wait, what? What was that? What was that?\nGrant: I heard it too. It was like a, like a ...*pop*\nJason: Is there a ghost here?\nScene Description: TAPS heads out to South Park in two SUVs.\nJason: Alright, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghosts?\nKris: Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them.\nJason: Doyuh ssh ssh. What, what is that? Do you hear that?! There, there look. What is that? What is that?\nGrant: I think that's just a cigarette lighter.\nJason: Oh, right, okay. May be.\nScene Description: TAPS has made it to South Park. They are in the Broflovski house at night, in the dark. No lights are on except for flashlights.\nJason: We are now inside the house where the celebrity ghosts have been spotted. Whoa whoa what? What was that? What was that?\nKyle: What was what?\nJason: Did you hear that? It was like a... it was like a... dee.. Is there a spooky ghost here?? Uh LOOK. What is that? What is that?? [a shot of the Broflovskis living room TV]\nGrant: I'm pretty sure that's their television.\nJason: Oh man I am really scared. [looks at his groin. Grant's flashlight and the camera quickly aim at it] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is this? What is this? There's a, there's a, a wetness coming from my pants! [he peed his pants]\nGrant: I see it!\nJason: W... what is it?!\nGrant: Oh God I'm so scared! [begins to whimper] I'm so scared.\nJason: Look! Look, it's got you too! [points to Grant's groin, then says to the cameraman] Are you getting this? Make sure the camera is getting this. Definitely some paranormal activity!\nGrant: It's warm, and moist. A warm moist sensation that's moving down my left thigh. [the urine reaches the floor and starts spreading out]\nJason: Look, it's starting to form a, a a pool around the floor now. Are you getting this??\nStan: Are you guys fucking serious?\nJason: Oh God, the paranormal activity is now leaving a, a trail of some kind behind both of us! [such melodrama!]\nGrant: Hoh! Something... hot, and and, warm is coming out the back of my pants now. [Well...]\nJason: Oh it smells!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, outside. The front door opens and the four ghost hunters run out screaming.\nTAPS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, inside. The lights are back on. Ike hangs his head and walks off to his left, sighing. He sits down on the bottom steps of the stairs. Kyle follows him and sits next to him.\nKyle: Ya see Ike? There's nothing. There's nothing for you to be afraid of.\nBilly Mays: [his ghost suddenly appears with a new pitch] Hi, Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station.\nKyle: It's all just in your head, Ike.\nBilly Mays: The fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders.\nIke: AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA!! [the other boys look at each other]\nScene Description: Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike is in a recovery room while the older boys wait in the lobby on red couches.\nKyle: I just... don't understand it.\nStan: It's gonna be alright, Kyle.\nKyle: But, dude this doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you know it's going to make you crap blood, why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it?\nCartman: Because, dude, that's what I'm saying. You have the Chipotlaway so it doesn't matter.\nKyle: But of course it matters, because you should be concerned there's blood in your underwear. [to Stan] Do you understand this?\nStan: Dude, I don't understand at all. I eat Chipotle all the time and it never made me crap blood.\nCartman: Ohh well how nice for you, Stan. It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.\nDr. Carroll: Well boys, little Ike is stable, but the celebrity ghosts appear to have sent him into some kind of coma.\nStan: Whoa whoa wait, there really are ghosts?\nDr. Carroll: Well of course there really are ghosts. Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters? But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to hand this off to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things. [Dr. Phillips, a female, walks in and addresses the boys]\nDr. Phillips: The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest. I've never sensed anything like it. [Stan and Kyle look at each other as Dr. Carroll walks away] I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roamin' the world, reachin' out through the child because they are lost in purgatory.\nKyle: Purgatory? What's that?\nDr. Phillips: [steps closer to the boys] Sometimes when people die, they can't quite accept what has happened to them. And so before they reach the afterlife, they go to a place called \"purgatory.\" It is a temporary plane of existence. It's neither heaven, nor hell. Purgatory is like... being on an airplane that's waiting to take off, but you're still sitting at the gate. And even though the plane isn't taking off, they won't let you back off the plane. And you can't get up to go to the bathroom, because you're on an active runway. All these dead celebrities are sittin' on the plane waiting and wantin' to move on, but for whatever reason, they are stuck without any information, even from the pilot, how much longer it's going to be, and it's taking forever. And they aren't serving any drinks yet. It's like, a terrifying limbo.\nCartman: [concerned] Oh my God... poor Billy Mays...\nScene Description: Ike's room. Dr. Phillips turns on the various monitors to measure Ike's vital signs... and to call out the ghosts.\nDr. Phillips: I am speakin to the celebrities that are hauntin' this child. If any spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known. [the needles on an Ectograph 500 begin to move back and forth, producing some readings]\nBilly Mays: [only his voice is heard] Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product.\nCartman: Billy Mays! [makes his way to the front of the group] It's him!\nBilly Mays: Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down?\nCartman: Yes! Yes I am, Billy Mays!\nWalter Cronkite: No! Be quiet, Billy Mays! Somebody is trying to contact us!\nDr. Phillips: To which celebrity am I addressin' now?\nWalter Cronkite: This, is Walter Cronkite.\nDr. Phillips: All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on.\nFarrah Fawcett: We know that!\nDJ AM: Yeah! Of course we know that!\nPatrick Swayze: There's only one person here who's not cooperating!\nWalter Cronkite: That's right! Now just admit you're dead and sit down!\nMichael Jackson: ...No, that's ignorant! I'm not dead.\nStan: Uh oh.\nWalter Cronkite: You are dead!\nMichael Jackson: No, I just have a skin condition.\nDr. Phillips: Boys, quickly! Convince Michael Jackson that he's dead.\nKyle: What?\nDr. Phillips: He's in denial. He's been in denial all his life. Now tell him or you're gonna lose your little brother.\nKyle: Mister... Jackson, y-you aren't alive. You're in purgatory.\nMichael Jackson: Nooo, you're being ignorant. I'm alive. And I'm a child. And I'm white.\nKyle: Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems.\nBilly Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper.\nThe Boys (except Cartman) and Dr. Phillips: Shut up, Billy Mays!\nStan: You're dead, Mr. Jackson!\nMichael Jackson: No, that's, that's just ignorant.\nStan: Accept it! [the various machines start convulsing and sparking]\nMichael Jackson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\nDr. Phillips: He's in too much denial! [a ball of plasma condenses in front of her and shoves her out a window on the top floor of the hospital.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [She flies through the air across the street and lands a half block away in the middle of another street. She dies on impact. The boys then gather around Ike and pull the wires off his face]\nKyle: Ike! Ike! Wake up buddy! Wake up! Ike, you've gotta wake up, please! [Ike's eyes slowly open] Eh there you go. That's good. [Ike looks around] Oh Ike. I thought I lost you, little brother.\nIke: [with Michael Jackson's voice] Nooo. No, that's ignorant. [the boys' jaws drop] Oh look everyone, I told you I was alive.\nKyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing inside my little brother?!\nIke: Wee, I'm a child! [jumps up] I knew I was a child. See? Come on, let's play! Let's go climb a tree! [jumps off the bed and runs out of the room]\nKenny: (Holy shit, dude!)\nKyle: Come back here! [the boys give chase]\nScene Description: A park across the street from Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike runs to a tree in the park and tries to climb it.\nKyle: Hey! Heeey!\nIke: Come on, let's climb the tree! Hee hee!\nStan: Mr. Jackson, you can't do this! This is not your body!\nIke: Noo, I'm a little white child. Let's play! [hops off the tree trunk and starts dancing] Hee! Hee hee! [begins to moonwalk] Hee hee hee! [arrives at the swing set and hops on a swing]\nKyle: Dude, asshole, you're keeping a lot of other celebrities in purgatory!\nCartman: Including the late and very talented Billy Mays!\nIke: No, that's ignorant. People are just ignorant and they lie and spread rumors about me. Like, that I'm dead. But if I was dead, how could I do this? [hops off the swing and dances some more] Hoo! Dawdaby daw! Shamon! [Kyle looks at his friends and leads them away out of Ike's earshot]\nKyle: What the hell are we going to do??\nIke: [still dancing] Jou know! Jou know it! Hee hee!\nScene Description: The Plane of Purgatory.\nEd McMahon: Come on, this is ridiculous! How much longer do we have to sit in purgatory?!\nPassengers: Come on! Come on! This is ridiculous! Come on!\nFlight Attendant: [into an intercom mic] Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience. I've been informed that we are going to be delayed at least another 96 hours.\nPassengers: AWWWWWWWW!\nDJ AM: Yo, you can't just keep people stuck like this, man!\nFlight Attendant: We know that you are all excited to cross over to the next plane, but for now you have to stay on this one.\nWalter Cronkite: That's it! I have to go to the bathroom!\nFlight Attendant: Sir, you have to stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened!\nWalter Cronkite: You've been saying that for three months now! [sits back down]\nScene Description: The four boys are now in Stan's room, and Stan is browsing around for information.\nStan: Alright, let's see: demonic ghosts, animal ghosts...\nKenny: (No, scroll down some more, scroll down some more.)\nStan: ...setting traps for ghosts, no...\nKyle: [still trying to make sense of Cartman's ...problem] Okay, here's the one part that really makes no sense to me: [puts both his hands on the table and spreads his fingers out] the first time you saw blood stains on your underwear, were you alarmed?\nCartman: [rolls his eyes up in thought] Was I alarmed? [closes his eyes] Yes. [opens them and looks at Kyle] I believe I was.\nKyle: So then why do you just ignore it using something as stupid as Chipotaway?\nCartman: [correcting him] Chipotlaway, Kyle. And I'm not the one who uses it, my mom does. She does the laundry. [Kyle's jaw drops in alarm]\nKyle: Your mom... uses Chipotlaway... to clean blood stains... out of your underwear?\nCartman: Yes!\nKyle: And then takes you to Chipotle, and buys you more?\nCartman: Yes, Kyle, it's totally normal! [Kyle puts his hands down below the table] People do this stuff! You know, not everyone can be the boy with the golden butthole! [points to Stan]\nStan: Here here here it is: possession by a ghost. A ghost that enters and then refuses to leave a living host has done so because it failed in the living world to be what it wanted to be. The ghost must be allowed to transform and be recognized by the living as what it always tried to be.\nKyle: What has Michael Jackson always tried to be?\nCartman: A child... and a female. And white.\nIke: Oh lookie, it's a planet. Hee hee hee.\nStan: So he wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white girl.\nKyle: Well what the hell are we gonna do? Dress him up in a princess gown and, and parade him around like the parents on those awful child pageants? [Kyle looks at his friends, then down at the floor. His friends look at each other. Yes, Kyle...]\nScene Description: A Holiday Inn, day, at Lynchburg. \"Lynchburg Welcomes The Tiny Miss Pageant\". Inside, the contestants are being introduced. The stage is small, with two bouquets of flowers with balloons attached, one at each end of the stage.\nMC: Hello. First up we have the beautiful Miss Jessica. [Jessica comes out wearing lots of makeup, a big head of hair, and a pink pageant dress. There's a smattering of applause]\nJessica's Mom: [clapping] Alright Jessica! Woohoo! [Jessica stops and shows off to the audience]\nMC: Jessica enjoys ridin' her horse Marley and doin' her nails with her sisters. Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy. [who comes out in a yellow dress]\nBrandy's Mom: Yeah Brandy! Work it girl!\nMC: Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat Sunshine.\nBrandy's Mom: [whispering loudly] Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges, Brandy. [Brandy dutifully blows a kiss to the judges and grins. A balding judge grabs the kiss with his left hand, then reaches down to his groin with that hand and begins to masturbate. Brandy steps off the stage and walks away]\nMC: And now welcome contestant number 27, little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike walks on stage in a small pink dress and blond wig]\nKyle: Alright, Michael! [Kenny mumbles something]\nCartman: Yeah yeah rah work it Michael work it!\nStan: Yeahhhh!\nMC: Michael says she just enjoys being a child. She loves to play and climb trees, and thinks people who don't are ignorant.\nIke: Ignorant.\nCartman: God I hope this works.\nScene Description: Purgatory. The celebrities are still waiting to take off to the next plane.\nBilly Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you-\nWalter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!\nPatrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!\nBilly Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls!\nDavid Carradine: That does it. We are not gonna just sit here anymore! We want some Goddamned answers!\nWalter Cronkite: Why isn't anybody telling us anything?!\nPilot: Well ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking.\nWalter Cronkite: Well it's about fucking time!\nPilot: Certainly want to uhhh thank you for all your patience. We know that you're eager to uhhhh get going and we will certainly pass on any information uhhhhh as it becomes uhhhhhh more available.\nDJ AM: But yo! Yo Michael Jackson isn't even here anymore! He's gone! We should be able to move on now!\nFlight Attendant: Yes, but as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a LOT of baggage, and he checked some of that baggage in, so a crew has to go through all the baggage and get his off of purgatory before we can push back from the gate.\nPassengers: AWWWWWWWW!\nScene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, later.\nIke: Did I do good in the swimsuit category? I'm worried that little doodoohead brunette girl was prettier than me.\nStan: [approaching the judges' table] Excuse me, uh, if you could do us a favor and pleeease just vote for little Miss Jackson? It's really important.\nKylie's Mom: It's more important for my little Kylie. Just look at this face.\nKylie: Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants. [another contestant is dancing onstage in a cheerleading outfit. She finishes her routine on her knees. The male judge on the right is taking pictures while the one on the left is masturbating even harder. The lone female judge is just evaluating as usual]\nMC: All right, thank you Miss Cassie. And now for her talent portion, Miss Michael Jackson is gonna sing for us. [Ike steps onto the stage again and sings]\nIke: I'm just a little girl. Hee hee. A dainty little thing.And I know you all want to be a little white girl like me. Shamohn! Hee hee hee. [begins to moonwalk] Hohhh[the male judges are masturbating furiously]\nStan: Dude, the two male judges love her.\nKenny: (Yeah.) [the doors fly open and a bunch of police officers stream in...]\nAn Officer: All right, that's about enough! [...and haul away the male judges. The female judge looks on somewhat bewildered]\nKyle: Aww crap!\nCartman: Hey, what the F?!\nScene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, later.\nMC: All right everyone, the judge will now tally her final scores.\nKyle: We're totally screwed! [Brandy and her mom walk by. Brandy's actually a redhead] They took the two best judges away!\nStan: Yeah, there's no way that lady judge is voting for us. She was glaring the entire time.\nHeidi's Mom: You'll win for sure, Heidi. You know how much that judge adores you.\nKyle: Aw dude, this is hopeless!\nKenny: (Son of a fucking bitch!)\nCartman: Wait wait! Wait, look at the lady judge. [a shot of the judge] She's eating Chipotle.\nKyle: [not making the connection] So what?!\nCartman: So maybe she doesn't know. [grabs Kyle by his coat collar] Maybe she doesn't know, Kyle! Excuse me, Ma'am, I see you're eating Chipotle.\nLady Judge: Oh yes, it's my favorite fast food. I would eat it every day, except I-... [looks down in embarrassment]\nCartman: Except! You can't afford buying all the new underwear?\nLady Judge: How did you know-... Look, it doesn't matter. [turns her back to him] I'm just gonna have to give it up.\nCartman: What if you didn't have to give it up?\nLady Judge: Excuse me?\nCartman: I think... you and I might be able to help each other here today.\nScene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, even later.\nMC: And now, it is time to announce our Grand Little Miss. Little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike looks around gratefully as the audience applauds. The judge and the MC approach him. The judge gives him the crown and the MC gives him the trophy. The boys congratulate him]\nKyle: Yeah!\nCartman: Yeah!\nStan: Woohoo!\nCartman: Alright! [one of the contestants stomps her foot and cries, then walks off stage]\nHeidi: [passing by the audience chairs] I'm sorry I didn't win, Mommy. [her mom stops for a moment and slaps her across the face]\nIke: Thank you so much for this award. Of all the awards I've ever won, this one means the most. I feel like... I'm finally at rest. I'm finally at rest! I'm free! [Ike passes out standing up with his mouth open wide and Michael's ghost rises out of him, with a ghostly trophy. The judge and MC notice something and look up. Ike wakes up, shakes his head, and looks at himself. Then, in his regular voice] Holy shit! What the fuck am I wwwearing?\nKyle: Ike! [runs up to him. The other boys follow] Ike, you're back!\nIke: Kyle, what the fuck is going on?\nKyle: It's okay, Ike, you're going to be... okay.\nCartman: Yes. Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the spirits of the celebrities can now rest.\nScene Description: Back in purgatory, a woman yawns.\nMichael Jackson: Wee, I'm free! I'm free! [floats down into his seat]\nFarrah Fawcett: Hey he's here! He's here!\nBea Arthur: Oh, finally.\nOthers: He's here! He's back!\nFlight Attendant: All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on. [everyone claps]\nMichael Jackson: Did you all see my crown? [the plane finally rises up and away]\nBilly Mays: Finally! Finally we can all move on!\nScene Description: Hell. The purgatory plane alights here.\nFlight Attendant: All right, everyone, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the gates of Hell. Unfortunately, Hell is a tow-in gate.\nPassengers: AWWWWWWWW!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, recess.\nCartman: Alright cool, guys, gather all around. Everyone should be a witness to this. [Cartman and Craig are at a tetherball pole, and Cartman is holding the ball. Around them are a bunch of boys, most of them from the fourth grade] Alright, you ready? Now say \"I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me.\" Come on, dude, \"I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me.\" [the camera pulls back a bit, and Butters is seen at the top of the tetherball pole, hanging from his briefs.]\nButters: I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me. [Cartman hits the ball and it wraps around the pole, finally hitting Butters on his right temple] Ow.\nCartman: Alright, your turn Craig.\nButters: Fellas, my underwear is so far up my buttcrack my legs are numb! [Craig grabs the ball]\nCartman: Well that's what you get for being a douchebag again Butters! You gotta take your medicine.\nButters: Uyeah, I guess I deserve it.\nStan: Hey heeey, what the hell are you guys picking on Butters for this time?!\nCartman: Aw dude, you guys are not gonna believe this. You know what we just found out? Well it turns out that Butters, our Butters, has never kissed a girl. [Craig hits the ball and it wraps around the pole until it hits Butters on the face]\nButters: Uugh!\nKyle: So what?\nButters: So what?! [the ball returns and Craig catches it] So I'm almost nine years old and anyone who hasn't kissed a girl by fourth grade is a dork!\nCraig: That's right. [steps back and hits the ball again. The ball wraps around the pole and hits Butters on the face again. Cartman laughs]\nClyde: You guys, we got it! [walks up with Token] We got it. Sally Darson is selling kisses for five dollars.\nButters: Sellin' kisses?\nClyde: She hangs out behind the temp building during afternoon recess. She'll kiss any boy that pays her.\nButters: You mean I'm... gonna kiss a girl... today?\nScene Description: The boys' bathroom, moments later. Butters is now putting on a tie.\nClyde: [giving advice] So then when she sticks her tongue out you just kind of lick it with your tongue.\nButters: Oh boy, I sure am nervous.\nCartman: Nothin' to be nervous about, Butters. You're finally going to become a man today.\nKyle: Butters, I think you should reconsider this.\nButters: Uh, how come?\nKyle: Dude, you don't want your first kiss to be something you paid for. It's supposed to be special.\nCartman: Oh God, why don't you sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle?\nButters: I gotta do this! I gotta know what it feels like!\nScene Description: Back in the playground, moments later. Butters is walking to the temp building with a crowd of boys following him at a short distance.\nButters: Oh boy... Oh jeez, oh, stay calm Butters... Eh, how was it?\nFrancis: Pretty worth it. [walks away with a dreamy look in his eyes]\nJimmy: Go ahead, Bu-Butters. Go- go get some.\nButters: I'm going! [walks towards the back of the temp building] Ohh... [finds Sally and talks to her nervously] Oh, hi.\nSally: Hey. [punches something into her cell phone and puts it away in her back pocket]\nButters: So ummm yeah, ah, I was hopin' maybe I could get a kiss.\nSally: Okay, cool.\nButters: Yeah, cool, uhhhm... umuh... okay. [puckers up and steps closer to Sally]\nSally: So you got money?\nButters: Oh, money... Rrright. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill, then hands it to her] There you go. A five dollar bill, all for you. [smiles, but that turns into surprise when she whips out her wad of bills and adds the five dollar bill to it. She puts the wad back away]\nSally: All right, you ready? [she turns to face him and puckers up. He looks at her and leans in, closing his eyes. She does not close hers. They kiss on the lips. They then separate and Butters isn't sure what to make of it]\nButters: Thank you! [turns right and walks back to the playground. As he approaches the boys, he raises his arms up and smiles]\nCartman: Atta boy Butters!\nTweek: You did it!\nJimmy: You're a man now! All right Butters good job!\nToken: Good job, Butters!\nScene Description: Butters' room, night. He lies there awake, his hands behind his neck, pretty happy about the school day.\nButters: [thinking to himself] Boy oh boy. I finally did it. I'm a man now. [frowns, thinking of what being a man entails] Jeez, I'm gonna start havin' lots of responsibilities soon. I gotta start thinkin' about a career. There's gonna be family and bills to start worrying about. M-no more play time for you, Butters! You gotta buckle down and find, and find yourself a way to make money. [aloud, smiling] Hey, I know.\nScene Description: Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. The kids are eating lunches, and Butters comes into view, stopping at a table of boys.\nButters: Hey fellers! Fellers, do you like gettin' kisses? 'Cause I know a girl that'll give you a great kiss for just five dollars!\nScott: [with a lisp] She'll kiss anybody?\nButters: Sure, Scott! Even if you got diabetes!\nScene Description: Behind the temp building, moments later. Butters waits as Scott gives Sally his five dollars and kisses her.\nScott: Wow. [turns and walks away] It's almost like having someone care about you. [walks back towards the playground]\nSally: Jeez Butters, thanks for bringing me yet another customer. Here's your two dollar cut again.\nButters: [taking his cut] Boy oh boy, this sure is great! I've been thinkin', Sally: I could probably drum up some third grade customers if you could do kisses before school too. We could make double the money.\nSally: Oh, that'd be great, but I can't do kisses before school. I have swimming class.\nButters: Aww nuts! [walks off a bit] Well, I did have another idea. What if we got another girl to fill in for you sometimes?\nSally: What?\nButters: Well, you know, we bring someone on, show her what to do, and then share all our money together.\nSally: [walks up to him] Wow, you're right Butters. I should start expanding.\nButters: We could have our very own... [puts out his hands and frames an imaginary plaque] kissin' company.\nScene Description: Butters' bedroom, day. He's got three easels up with info and four girls seated before him. He's using a pointer to highlight the info on the easels. He's laying out his business plan to the girls, who all have notebooks and pencils.\nButters: The next key to a successful business is \"innovation.\" I think maybe we need to understand that some boys simply can't afford the five dollars for a kiss, so what if we start also charging just two dollars for a hug?\nSally: Wow, that's a great idea, Butters.\nButters: Why thanks. Sally, I think your position behind the temp building at recess is perfect. Megan, I'm thinkin' about moving you to the baseball field after school during little league practice.\nMegan: [a third grader, taking notes] Got it.\nButters: I got a kissing booth set up at the kids' fair on Saturday so Kayla and Ashley, you take turns there. Any girl that sells more than twenty kisses gets [puts up a smiling sun sticker on Sally's row on the work schedule] a little sunshine, but if you don't show up for work at all, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud.\nSally: This is gonna be great!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Seems Detective Yates is now police captain there. Detective Murphy enters the work room with a report.\nMurphy: Sir! Sir, take a look at this. We've got rumors coming in of a possible \"prostitution company\" starting up in South Park.\nYates: What?! [grabs the report and leafs through it] Hohoo, not in my county!\nMurphy: We've got no information on the prostitutes, don't know who they are or where they came from.\nYates: [walks off a bit] So then we need to go after the johns. We need to let the men of this town know that if they paid for sex they're going to jail!\nMurphy: Sting operation, sir?\nYates: [turns to face his men] We need an undercover cop disguised as a prostitute, so we can arrest any citizens looking for cheap thrills!\nScene Description: A seedy side of town, night. Chief Yates is dressed as a hooker and is waiting curbside for a john. A car slowly rolls up, then stops. Yates approaches the car.\nYates: Hey baby, you looking for a party?\nDriver: Ha... how much are you charging?\nYates: Twenty for oral, fifty for half and half, anal will cost you extra.\nDriver: Aww- get in. [Yates gets in and the car takes off]\nScene Description: An alley, night. The car rolls into it.\nYates: Right here's good, sexy. [the driver stops the car] Now if you wouldn't mind handing over the twenty dollars for oral sex.\nDriver: Ok-okay. [grabs his wallet, pulls out a twenty, and hands it to Yates]\nYates: All right, buddy!... Go ahead and unbutton your pants. [the driver unzips his pants] All right! Here we go. [leans down unto the driver's genitals and starting giving him head]\nDriver: Aw... Aw yeah. Oh man oh... Ohh! Aw-aw-AWWW-aw. AW-aw. Oh, s-sorry I was so quick.\nYates: Oh that's all right. [leans down to get something] Nothing wrong with a-FREEZE! [whips out his gun and badge, aiming the gun at the driver] You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!\nDriver: Awhuh! What?!\nYates: This is a sting operation, scumbag, and you're going to jail for soliciting prostitution. [grabs his walkie-talkie and talks into it] Got our first one, boys. I'm bringing him in for booking.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the hallway. Kids are moving from place to place. Kenny, Cartman and Stan walk by and Kyle stops them.\nKyle: Did you guys hear what's going on? There's like four girls at the school now offering to kiss boys for money.\nStan: Yeah, I heard that now even Stacey Anderson is selling kisses.\nKenny: (Stacey Anderson?) [mumbles something more, pulls out his five dollar bill and walks away. Butters walks up to them from the other direction]\nButters: Hey fellas. Would anyone like a coupon? We're offerin' two for one kisses today through Thursday.\nStan: Butters, you're the one doing all this?\nButters: Yep! I am founder and head CEO of the Butters Kissing Company. Just look at this. [pulls out his stack of bills and shows it off]\nCartman: Damn dude, you made all that money offa chicks?\nButters: I'm tellin' ya guys, this is the most genius idea I've ever come up with. A lot of boys would pay to kiss my employees.\nKyle: You didn't think of anything, Butters! Guys have been doing what you're doing for years! You're nothin' but a common pimp! [slams his locker door shut and walks off with the other three boys]\nButters: ...A pimp. Huh...\nScene Description: At the newly-christened Butters Kissing Co, Ltd. in his bedroom. Butters and Sally are at his desk. Butters is researching what it is to be a pimp.\nButters: Bohy, Kyle was right, Sally. There's guys with kissing companies all over the country. \"The person managing all the women is known as the 'pimp,' while the working women are referred to as 'ho' or 'bitch.'\" Oh, you're a bitch, Sally. [smiles]\nSally: Oh. [smiles]\nButters: Hey, look at this! There's about to be a big pimp convention, it looks like. I gotta get to that convention, Sally. I could learn all kinds of stuff for our company.\nScene Description: The Players Ball, night. Pimps and bitches of all shapes and sizes arrive and enter. Inside, they mingle, drink, dance, and Butters walks into view in a shirt and tie, and a name badge. He's sipping something. He spots a grown pimp and two of his bitches.\nButters: [addressing the pimp] Hi there. My name is Butters. This sure is a nice convention, huh? Yeah, I'm just starting out. I really came last minute 'cause I was hoping to learn more about being a successful pimp.\nBishop: You? You be pimpin'?\nButters: Yeah, just about a week now. I have four girls at the moment, but I feel like I could be doing a better job.\nScene Description: The Players Ball, A table of pimp trophies to be handed out is shown, then the camera moves up.\nBishop: Now see, you think you're a pimp, but you can't be pimpin', know what I'm sayin'? You wanna be a pimp, then you gotta learn the game. See it's all about knowin' the game.\nButters: What's the game?\nBishop: The game is how you treat the bitches, know what I'm sayin'? Bitch gotta know when she out there, she makin' yo' muthafuckin' money, know what I'm sayin'? You got yo' main bitch, know what I'm sayin'? That be your \"bottom bitch.\" That bitch rank higha than all the other bitches but she still a bitch, know what I'm sayin'?\nButters: [taking notes] Yes I- I know what you are saying. You don't have to keep asking.\nPimp 2: See it's all about mind control. You gotta act a punk. Any man can control a bitch's heart, but a pimp gotta control a bitch's mind, know what I'm sayin'?\nButters: I know what you're saying.\nPimp 2: Pimp gotta be out there every motherfuckin' day keepin' his bitches in line. Can't let 'em go shoppin', spendin' their money on stupid shit. Bitches gotta think that's your motherfuckin money, know what I'm sayin'?\nButters: [getting pleased] Yeah! I believe I know what you are saying!\nScene Description: Butters' home, day. Butters walks in the front door.\nStephen: There you are, Butters!\nButters: Hey Dad!\nStephen: Butters, we heard a rumor that you might have a little girlfriend? [Linda doesn't look pleased] Sally Darson?\nButters: Aw hell Dad, I got lots of girlfriends. Sally's just my bottom bitch. [walks past his parents and up the stairs, but stops for a moment and looks at them.] Do you know what I am saying? [they're left speechless as he continues up the stairs]\nScene Description: A dark alley in South Park, night. Chief Yates is dressed again as a bitch and is in the back seat of someone else's car.\nDriver 2: I've got to tell you I... I don't do this kind of thing very often. You're sure you're not a cop, right?\nYates: No way! Let's just get to this, baby.\nDriver 2: Alright.\nScene Description: An unmarked police van is nearby, with some officers listening in...\nYates: So, you are agreeing to have sex with me for one hundred dollars, correct?\nDriver 2: Sure, I have the money right here.\nMurphy: [to the other officer] Remember, he's going to give us the code word to move in. Wait for the code word, \"stretch.\"\nScene Description: A police cruiser, nearby. Two other cops are listening in as well...\nOfficer: Code word is \"stretch,\" copy?\nScene Description: A rear shot of the john's car, which has tinted windows.\nYates: Oh yeah, yeah, get those pants down.\nDriver 2: Oh, you feel good.\nYates: Oh, you're a nasty little fuck, aren't you? Yeah, let me see that hot penis of yours. Oh yeah, nice. Yeah, I'm ready when you are.\nDriver 2: Oh yes. That's great. [the car begins to move up and down]\nYates: Yeah, you like it?\nDriver 2: Oh, I love it!\nYates: Yeah, you're a dirty fuck!\nScene Description: The police van. The officers are shocked.\nYates: Yeah, come on! Harder! Deeper!\nDriver 2: Oh yeah! [the van's driver looks back to see if Murphy and the other officer are as shocked as he is] Oh yeah!\nYates: Yeah, teach me a lesson, daddy!\nScene Description: The police cruiser, the two other cops are shocked too...\nYates: Teach this little whore a lesson!\nDriver 2: Yeah! Yeah!\nYates: Yeah, that's right!\nDriver 2: Awww, awwwww, awwwwoh! [the john's car stops moving] Awh. [the john sounds out of breath] Oh, oh man! [a shot of the john and Yates putting their clothes back on] Thank you! That was great.\nYates: Yeah, you really worked it, Daddy. You really gave my little hole quite a... [leans into him] STRETCH.\nScene Description: The police van. Murphy acts on the code word.\nMurphy: Uhhh, that, that's it. Move in! [the police van and car arrive quickly and the officers jump out]\nDriver 2: Oh God! It's the police!\nYates: [quickly whips out his badge and gun] Freeze! [takes the john out of the car and throws him against the hood] You are under arrest for soliciting prostitution! Book him, boys! [the other officers come in and cuff the john]\nDriver 2: Please! Please don't do this! I have a wife and kids!\nYates: A wife and kids. And you're out here trollin' the streets for prostitutes. You make me sick! Take him downtown, boys. I'm goin' back on the street.\nScene Description: The school playground, day. The supervisor comes into view.\nSupervisor: [blows her whistle] That's it recess is over back to class.\nKids: [disappointed] Aaaaaaah.\nButters: Boy oh boy, really great work, bitches. You all sold lots of kisses today. Except for you, Megan, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud sticker today.\nAnnie: So wait, you're keeping all the money now?\nButters: I just hold on to all the money, 'cause bitches can't be trusted with it. We pool all the kissing money together, see? But if you wanna buy anything, you just talk to the bottom bitch [places his left hand on Sally's right shoulder], and then the bottom bitch talks to me. Alright, see you after school! [walks away] Do you know what I am saying?\nScene Description: Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mr. Garrison is writing math problems involving fractions on the blackboard.\nMr. Garrison: Alright children, I want you to copy down these math problems and solve them before recess.\nButters: [sees an opportunity...] Yo, Bebe. Bebe yo.\nBebe: [bothered] What?\nButters: Bitch you wanna make some motherfuckin' money?\nBebe: [really bothered] What?!\nButters: Bitch you should be doin' kisses on the playground. You can make fifty bucks a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.\nBebe: Shut up!\nButters: Oh, alright then. [copies some problems down, then looks at Wendy. Softly...] Hey Wendy. Wendy! [loudly] Bitch, don't you wanna start makin' some real fuckin' money?\nWendy: Leave me alone.\nButters: Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.\nStan: Butters. Dude!\nButters: What?\nStan: You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!\nButters: Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doin' bitch? Just givin' kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be makin' some motherfuckin' money!\nWendy: Stan!\nStan: Butters, seriously, if you don't stop this I'll kick your ass!\nButters: [whips out a bill] Clyde, here's a hundred bucks. If Stan comes near me, punch him.\nClyde: Wow wee. [grabs the hundred]\nCartman: Dude, we've created a monster.\nButters: Come on Wendy, you should be puttin' that mouth to work.\nMr. Garrison: Butters! Butters, do you have a problem?!\nButters: All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fuckin' money!\nScene Description: A shot at the temp buildings from the back of the main building. Butters escorts a new bitch to the area behind one of the buildings.\nButters: Really glad you joined the company, Annie! Now remember: you're chargin' five dollars for a kiss, two for a hug, and six for half and half. Alright bitch? Alright, how about a freebie? [she gives him a freebie] Ohwoah, [twirls around] whoopie! [walks away, leaving Annie at her new post. As he re-enters the playground, Kyle meets him]\nKyle: Butters, I really think we should talk.\nButters: Sure, Kyle.\nKyle: Butters, can't you see this is wrong? You've got little boys all over school spending all their lunch money on kisses. Boys shouldn't be paying for kisses. It's wrong.\nButters: Kyle, every boy pays for kisses. Do you know what I am saying? If you've got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you're paying for it. You've gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin' to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there. [Kyle turns to see Stan, who's listening to Wendy over at the merry-go-round] He's gotta sit there and listen to her stupid motherfuckin' problems 'cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.\nKyle: Butters, what's happened to you?\nButters: What happened is that I became a man! I'm sorry I'm not your little buddy anymore, but there's a time people have to grow up! [storms off, but turns once more to ask] Do you know what I am saying?! [turns and continues walking towards the main building]\nScene Description: ATΩ frat house, night. There's a party going on in there.\nFrat boy 1: [from the third floor balcony] Alpha Tau Omega, woo!\nFrat boy 2: [walks by on the street and looks up] ATOs!\nFrat boy 3: Alright, ATOs, our little Kevin is twenty one today! [the other frat boys cheer] And so, Kevin, we would like to welcome you to manhood. Our gift to you. [a huge three-tiered cake is wheeled in and the music changes as Chief Yates jumps out of the cake. He begins to dance around]\nFrat boys: Eewwww!\nSinger: Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, Calling me all the time like Blondie. Check out my Chrissie behind, It's fine all of the time. Like sex on the beaches, What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh, what?\nScene Description: ATΩ frat house, later that night. Only three windows on the second floor are lit now, and an orgy is heard.\nYates: Give it to me! Come on, you sissies, I can fit more of ya! [more moaning from the frats] Yeah, you like your little stripper whore?! You like her?! FREEZE! [silence. Only the crickets are heard. Some minutes later the police swarm the frat house] Take them all to the station, for oral and anal sex with a prostitute! Half of them didn't even use a condom! [faces the frats] Don't you stupid kids know the diseases you can catch?! Hand me that evidence bag. [an officer hands him the bag, which he opens and places under his ass. He proceeds to crap into it, but when the bag is sealed, it's all white - it's all semen.]\nMurphy: Sir, sssome of us are wwwondering if maybe y-you're not... taking this role a bit far?\nYates: What?! No way! Nothing is more important than keeping prostitution out of our community! [his cell phone rings] Oh, hold on, that's my daddy. [answers the phone] Hey Daddy.\nBishop: [at the other end of the line] Where you at, bitch? I need my bottom bitch right now.\nYates: Ye-yes, Daddy, I'm on my way.\nBishop: I made you my bottom bitch, now you gotta take care of yo' pimp, know what I'm sayin'?\nYates: Be right there. Sorry guys, my daddy needs me right now. [limps away painfully]\nScene Description: The streets in another Colorado city, night. Two prostitutes are working a corner with cigarettes in hand. The white one has a black left eye.\nBlack bitch: Damn bitch! Yo' pimp beat yo' ass again?\nWhite bitch: He's an asshole.\nBlack bitch: You know, I heard a rumor about some new pimp up in Park County. They say he's real respectful; lots of girls switching over to him.\nWhite bitch: A pimp that respects his hos? Sign my ass up. [takes a drag from her cigarette]\nScene Description: Butters Kissing Co, Ltd. Butters' stable of bitches has expanded to include some adult prostitutes.\nButters: And that's... three thousand dollars today for Charise. [looks up at her over his left shoulder]\nCharise: Did I do good, Daddy?\nButters: REALLY great work, bitch! That is another... [looks for the right cell to place the sticker on and finds it] sunshine sticker for you.\nCharise: Thank you, Daddy. [kisses him on his head]\nButters: [gets excited] Mmmwhoa boy!\nScene Description: ACORN, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, day. Butters is filing some paperwork with the receptionist there. His bitches stand near the entrance waiting for him to finish.\nButters: And so, I would like to see if there are any housing loan opportunities for some of my employees, and also what kind of corporate tax I should be filing under.\nReceptionist: And exactly what kind of business are you running?\nButters: It's a kissing company.\nReceptionist: And you're making a profit?\nButters: Oh sure! My black employee Charise over there, one time she made two thousand dollars, on one customer! Can you believe it? Two thousand dollars just to kiss a feller. She currently stays in a motel room, 'cause a lot of her customers see her late. [puts his hand over the right side of his mouth and whispers so Charise doesn't hear] You wouldn't believe the time of night some fellers wanna kiss.\nReceptionist: [getting suspicious] Do you keep any record of the men getting these \"kisses\"?\nButters: 'Course. My bottom bitch keeps a database of all our customers, specially the VIPs, like Senator Morris.\nReceptionist: Senator Morris?\nButters: Sure! Senator Morris gets kisses every day at lunchtime. You know where he likes to get kissed?\nReceptionist: Where?\nButters: In a motel room. Darnedest thing. He must get sleepy.\nReceptionist: Alright, get out of here! [throws Butters' papers back at him]\nButters: Huh? Why?\nReceptionist: I'm not falling for it!\nButters: But I heard ACORN helps pimps and their bitches!\nReceptionist: [rises in anger] We aren't giving you anything; get out! [her boss walks up next to her]\nBoss: Mrs. Davis, is there some kind of problem?\nReceptionist: Eh no sir.\nButters: Heey! Mr. Daniels! You get kisses from my bitch Roxy in the alley behind Sizzler. [Mr. Daniels' jaw drops, and Mrs. Davis looks at him]\nScene Description: Butters Kissing Co, Ltd., later. A couple more females have joined the company.\nButters: Boy, how do you like that, bitches? Approval for two housing loans and tax-exempt status. File these away, Sally.\nSally: Okay.\nCharise: Ubup. Daddy, how come this ho get to be bottom bitch?\nSally: What?\nCharise: I make the most money for you Daddy, that means if anyone should be bottom bitch, it's me.\nSally: [she and Charise face off] Hey, screw off, ho.\nCharise: Fair is fair, ho.\nButters: [rushes in to keep the hos from fighting] Whoa whoa, bitches, bitches!\nYates: [voice only] Excuse me! [comes through the door] Well well well, this must be the organization I've been hearing so much about. Took me a long time to find you. You won't believe the hardships I've been through trying to track you down. My name is Yolanda. I'd like to know all about your operation here. You see I just left my pimp recently and I'm looking for a new one?\nButters: Oh. Well we operate on a sixty-forty split here. Bitches have access to Medicare and now, low-income housing loans.\nYates: Well, I think that's about all I need to hear.\nBishop: [voice heard outside the window] Yolanda! [his car honks repeatedly] Yolanda!\nButters: What's that?\nScene Description: Butters' front door, moments later. Everyone has gone downstairs to see who's calling Yolanda. Bishop is on one knee with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.\nBishop: [pleading] Yolanda please! You gotta come back to me! I got nothin' without you!\nYates: You've got a lot of nerve coming here, Keshawn! After the way you treated me? I need a pimp that doesn't beat me every time he gets drunk!\nKeshawn: [on his feet] Yolanda, I looove you. I need you. Not as my bottom bitch. I want... [back on one knee] I want to marry you. [opens a small box in which rests an engagement ring. Yates looks moved by this display of affection]\nYates: It's too late for that, Keshawn! I just told this pimp I was his bitch now.\nButters: Well wait, hold on now. Why I'd never get in the way of somebody being happy. Well us pimps gotta be good. Even to each other.\nKeshawn: [crying gratefully] Thanks, pimp. You done changed the game, that's what you did. [offers the ring once more] Marry me Yolanda? We'll move to a little château in Switzerland and get away from all this.\nYates: Oh Keshawn! [runs to him and they hug and kiss for a long time]\nButters: Wha? Awww.\nKeshawn: I love you so much.\nYates: Babe, I love you too.\nKeshawn: So much, baby.\nYates: Let's, uh, let's just be happy okay?\nKeshawn: Promise, babe. Promise.\nButters: [moved to tears] Oh, oh. [feeling remorse] Oh jeez. [closes the front door softly]\nScene Description: Butters' living room.\nButters: Gals. Gals, could you all come gather round? Gather round, gals; take a knee. [the girls come and genuflect] Gals, I... well I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna be leavin' the company. Well I enjoyed being your pimp and all, it's just that... when I see real love, like what those two people have, well, well it just makes me feel like a... well, like a dick. Well I may be a man now, but it doesn't mean I have the right to be earnin' money for what girls do, whether you're chargin' fellers for kisses by cash or by makin' them listen to your stupid motherfuckin' problems. Well that's your hard work. Bitches, this is your company now, so get out there, and make yourselves some motherfuckin' money!\nScene Description: The Swiss château. The camera zooms in from a great distance. Bishop and Yates are enjoying their new home.\nKeshawn: Happy anniversary baby. [slips a diamond necklace on Yates' neck] Do you like 'em?\nYates: I love 'em, darling.\nKeshawn: I wanted to get you something extra-special.\nYates: [reaches down to get something] Well hold on. I've got something for you too, my love. I just put it right over here by the... [whips out his gun and badge] FREEZE!! Ha! You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A professional wrestling ring. John Cena and Edge are in the ring with two lady wrestlers. One of them wears a pink bra, the other a black one.\nJohn Cena: Say that again, Edge! You think you're better than me?!\nEdge: Cena, your mouth has gotten you in trouble for the last time! I'm gonna shut it up for you!\nSpectators: Oooooooooooooooooooooo!\nDarryl: Mess him up, Edge!\nObese woman: Kick his ass! WOO!\nJohn Cena: Oh yeah?! I've got somethin' else to tell you, Edge! I slept with Vanessa last night. [everyone boos. Vanessa, the one with the pink bra, is embarrassed and tries to hide her face]\nRedneck 1: [his vest has a tag that says \"Eddie\" on it] Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend?\nCartman: Oh my God, dude, this is sooo awesome!\nStan: I'm having the best time!\nEdge: [a huge image of himself is on a massive TV screen behind him] You cheated, and took my belt from me, and now I can't hardly get work wrestling! You took muh girl AND you took my job! [all gasp]\nDarryl: He took his job!\nRedneck 2: He took his jrrr?\nRedneck 3: Took hid drrr! [Edge throws down the mic and prepares to attack Cena. Edge slaps Cena hard enough that Cena falls to the ground, then does a victory pose. The ladies begin to wrestle]\nCartman: Oh, sweet! [the woman in black bra pulls on the other woman's arm using her right leg as leverage, then begins pummeling her. Cena throws Edge against the ropes]\nEdge: Whoa... [flies off the ropes and into Cena's clothesline, which sends him to the floor on his back.]\nButters: Yes! Yehhehehes!\nCartman: This is awesome!\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center, night. The show has ended and the fans are pouring out of the center towards their cars. The boys come out as well: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Jimmy, and Token.\nCartman: Dude! That was so badass!\nKyle: Wrestling is awesome!\nStan: This is it you guys! We know what our calling in life is now. Tomorrow we are signing up for wrestling class! [the other boys cheer this decision.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, gym. A sign on the gym door says the junior wrestling club is meeting at 4:15. The gym has new windows. The seven boys are present, all wearing protective gear and wrestling uniforms. They look down at their uniforms.\nCartman: The fuck is this?!\nStan: [a couple of seconds later] Why did they have us put on long underwear.\nKyle: Well ah I guess in wrestling we're supposed to make our own outfit, and then wear it over this.\nButters: Ohhh. Yeah, that makes sense.\nKyle: Alright, so did everyone settle on their wrestling names?\nCartman: I did. I'm the Rad Russian. [affects a fake Russian accent] I come from Russian to crush your puny capitalist heads!\nCoach: [arriving] Alright boys! I'm really glad to see we have some new recruits interested in the fine sport of wrassling.\nKyle: Cool!\nStan: Yeah!\nButters: Let's do this!\nCartman: All right!\nCoach: Now, the first thing we're gonna learn today are the fundamental wrassling holds. Let's get some volunteers. Uh why don't come over here young man? What's your name?\nCartman: The Rad Russian.\nCoach: What?\nCartman: You capitalist swine, I'll crush you!\nCoach: Okay uh, just go ahead and get on your hands and knees.\nCartman: Huh?\nCoach: Just, down on, down on the floor. [Cartman bends over a bit, unsure of how to do this, given his girth] Hands and knees. [the coach helps him out in getting into position.]\nCartman: Okay...\nCoach: Alright and now how about you. Your name is?\nButters: Triceratops!\nCoach: Uh, all right, uh cu, come on over here. I'm gonna position you in the official wrassling starting position. [drapes Butters over Cartman] Here- we- go.\nCartman: The fuck is this?!\nCoach: Now just reach around him here. Good.\nCartman: Dude! Dude! DUDE! [jumps to his feet] The fuck are you doing?!\nCoach: Get back on the floor! I'm teaching the starting position of wrassling!\nCartman: That's not wrestling, dude, that's fucking gay!\nStan: Yeah, what are you? A child molester?\nKyle: Where's all the cool costumes and jumping off ropes and stuff?!\nCoach: Oh, not this again! Let me guess: you just went to that stupid WWE show in Denver last night!\nThe boys: Yeah! [all smiles]\nCoach: Ugh. [the boys frown at this] The WWE is not wrassling! That's a bunch of fake bullcrap! How stupid are you! Real wrassling, boys, is this! [spreads his arms out to indicate the floor and their uniforms - practice, practice, practice]\nCartman: Well this is fucking lame dude! Let's get the hell out of here, guys. [they all take off their headgear and walk away]\nStan: Yeah, this guy probably wants to take pictures of us naked.\nButters: I got, half a mind to report, r-report you to the police, sir! [throws his headgear on the floor and walks away glaring back at the coach]\nCoach: Rrrgh!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He holds up a program written in crayon.\nCartman: The Wrestling Takedown Federation has several matches planned today. Alright, sooo, here's how we'll do this, guys. I'll come out to the ring first and then Jimmy, you come in and tell me you're gonna kick my ass. Then I'm gonna say \"You slept with my girlfriend,\" and I'll charge you into a head slap.\nJimmy: Sounds good.\nCartman: Then Butters, you come in as the ref all like \"No no, the fight hasn't started yet,\" and that's when Jimmy sneaks up from behind and hits me over the head with a foldaway chair.\nButters: Okey doke.\nJimmy: So is that when I t- tell you that your girlfriend is a whore?\nCartman: Noo, let's save the \"girlfriend is a whore\" line until after Stan headbutts Butters for trying to stop the fight again.\nButters: Hmboy, wrestling sure is fun!\nCartman: Alright are you ready to try this, guys?\nStan: Yup.\nCartman: Alright, let's start wrestlin'. [the boys take their starting positions]\nJimmy: I am gonna k-kick your ass!\nCartman: You slept with my girlfriend, Hammerclaw! [Cartman slaps him hard, and Jimmy falls. Butters intervenes.]\nButters: Hey! No! No, the fight hasn't started yet. No, bad.\nCartman: Hey! He slept with my girlfriend, referee! In my country we don't wait for a bell, miste-[Jimmy sneaks up behind him with a folding chair and smashes it into the back of his head, making him fall forward] ah!\nJimmy: Your girlfriend is a whore!\nCartman: [whispers aloud] Wait for it, wait for the whore line.\nJimmy: [softly] Oh, I'm sorry.\nToken: You're gonna get it now, Hammerclaw!\nStan: We'll see about that!\nButters: Now hold on! I am stopping the fight! [Stan headbutts him] Eoh!\nScene Description: A park behind the Cartman house. The wall separating the backyard from the field is gone.\nRedneck 4: What's goin' on?\nRedneck 5: Apparently that crippled kid slept with that Russian kid's girlfriend.\nRedneck 4: Jeez they're so young.\nScene Description: First match.\nKyle: I'll kill you, Triceratops! You made fun of my crippled mother!\nButters: That's because your mother betrayed my mother, Juggernaut!\nScene Description: Second match.\nStan: You don't come to this country and make fun of it!\nCartman: And just vhat do you care about your pitiful country?!\nStan: I served my country! I fought for two years in Vietnam.\nScene Description: From the seats in the backyard.\nRedneck 6: That kid was in 'Nam? Man, that's incredible!\nRedneck 7: Good for you for serving your country!\nScene Description: Out on the street, a redneck runs to tell the rednecks haning out on a truck.\nRedneck 8: Guys, check this out! There's this little kid from the Congo, who was raised by panthers!\nRedneck 9: Are you serious?\nScene Description: Third match.\nKyle: Just admit it, Congo! Admit that you lied about me to Irene!\nToken: I admit nothing! Maybe Irene lied to you!\nScene Description: From the seats in the backyard. There are more chairs present.\nRedneck 10: That kid in the hat is havin' sex with two different girls?\nRedneck 11: Naw, that little kid from the Congo lied about one of them to try and get the kid in the hat in trouble with his wife.\nRedneck 12: They're married?\nScene Description: Fourth match intro.\nJimmy: You have to forfeit the fight, Rad Russian! You cannot fight until your test results come ba-back!\nCartman: I might have to wait for my hepatitis test, but in the mean time, I have brought my comrade from Mexico to wrestle against you!\nScene Description: From the seats in the backyard.\nRedneck 9: That Russian kid's got hepatitis?\nScene Description: Fourth match.\nAnnouncer: And here he comes now, the cold-blooded wrestler from Mexico, El Pollo Loco! [Kenny, dressed as a masked luchador, comes out to mariachi fanfare and sparklers. The spectators clap and cheer him on]\nJimmy: What are you doing here, El, El Pollo Loco?\nKenny: (I came here to kick your ass once and for all!)\nScene Description: Nighttime. The wrestling matches are coming one after the other, connected by convoluted plot lines and story arcs.\nKyle: Your girlfriend doesn't even like you, Stan the Man! She likes me!\nStan: You have no idea what you're saying Juggernaut! Irene loves me and I'm gonna marry her!\nKyle: If she wants to be with you, how about you have her tell all these people here?\nAnnouncer: Uh oh, here she comes now! It's Bad Irene! [Cartman, dressed as a diva, walks out of the dressing room and towards the ring. The crowd hoots and hollers. She climbs right in and takes the mic from Stan's hand]\nCartman: Let me tell you something! Let me tell you something! It's true, I love Stan the Man with all my heart, but... I want to be with Juggernaut now.\nStan: What?!\nRedneck 13: No! No! What are you doing?! Stan the Man loves you!\nRedneck 14: Don't break his heart!\nStan: If you love Juggernaut, Irene, then tell him what you did two years ago! How you killed his child!\nCartman: It's true. I was pregnant with your child and aborted it. [the crowd boos and expresses its disapproval]\nKyle: Irene, no! Why?\nCartman: Do you know what it's like to have an abortion at seven years old? DO YOU? I've had so many abortions. I just... got addicted to them.\nRedneck 15: Whoa, did you hear that?\nRedneck 16: Shh!\nStan: Irene, you said you loved me!\nCartman: I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with abortions. Don't you undestand?! [screams, runs up to Stan with a steel chair, and smashes him with it, knocking him down]\nSpectators: Ohhhh! [Kyle runs up to Cartman and knocks him down with a flying kick] Ahhhh!\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar, night. A bunch of men are gathered at the bar chatting.\nDarryl: I'm telling you guys, you've got to see this. These kids ain't more than eight or nine years old an' they got more problems than you can imagine.\nRedneck 13: There's this one kid, he saw his father get murdered. And yesterday he finds the killer, and it's this other kid whose an ex-cop. Needless to say, he whupped his ass good.\nDarryl: Yup, and there's this little girl, she's actually addicted to gettin' abortions. Got pregnant by nearly every boy there.\nRedneck 17: You're shittin' me!\nRedneck 13: No! We're telling you these kids are fucking crazy! You gotta check it out! [the wrestling coach is sitting nearby, stewing at the conversation]\nDarryl: You can watch 'em almost every afternoon. It's some of the greatest wrestlin' we ever seen.\nCoach: [rises from his seat and approaches the men at he bar] It isn't real! Don't you people understand that stuff isn't real?! None of it! How stupid are you?! [Skeeter and another bar patron look at each other]\nRedneck 13: [strokes his chin thoughtfully] What do you mean, it ain't real?\nCoach: It's all made up! Fiction! Real wrassling is a serious and respectable sport! Why can't you people understand that that kind of wrestling isn't real?!\nDarryl: [walks up to the coach] Mister, there's a little girl out there who's had fourteen abortions, an' she ain't even ten yet. But I guess that's just [holds up two fingers on each hand in a quote gesture] \"not real\" to you! [turns and walks back to the bar, saying under his breath] Son of a bitch.\nCoach: Look look look! [whips out his iPhone to show them] THIS is wrestling. THIS. [two men are shown wrestling in Greco-Roman style. There's a lot of grunting in the match. The bar patrons watch the little screen for a few seconds]\nDarryl: Mister, you'd better take your gay porn an' walk right out of this bar.\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, a new dressing room. The boys prepare for their matches. Stan looks out through the curtains.\nStan: Holy crap dude, there's a huge turnout tonight.\nKyle: Good thing we made those changes to the seating.\nCartman: Alright you guys, let's bring it in. [the boys huddle and hold hands] I think we've done a really great job and let's just keep the energy up, you know, have a good flow, and have fun out there, okay?\nButters: Yeah!\nKyle: Let's do this! One! Two!\nBoys: Backyard wrestling!\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, moments later. The yard has been transformed into a Greek amphitheater. A façade now covers the back side of the house and a wrestling ring is in the amphitheater's pit. The place looks filled to capacity with people chattering, waiting for the matches to begin. The amphitheater lights dim and the crowd cheers as the wrestlers come out.\nCartman: Oh what a perfect night for fighting. Lo, the moon sets upon the tips of the trees and I, the man known as the Rad Russian, start to stir with the excitement of violence.\nStan: Only a country like yours can breed men of such discontent, Rad Russian. But you don't know what real pain is! PAIN! Like I've known. Abandoned when I was four years old by my parents. Left to die in a cold and dark sewage tunnel!\nRedneck 13: Gee, I didn't know his parents did that.\nRedneck 18: Shhh.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office, day. Principal Victoria is talking with the wrestling coach.\nPrincipal Victoria: I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have to terminate your employment here at South Park Elementary.\nCoach: You're firing me? Why?!\nPrincipal Victoria: The school board has decided to discontinue the wrestling program. Wrestling simply involves too much adult subject matter, like murder and abortion. [shows him the South Park Gazette, which has the headline \"Kids Wrestle with Adult Issues\"]\nCoach: No, this isn't wrassling! THIS ISN'T WRASSLING! Principal Victoria, just let me stay on and I can teach kids what real wrassling is!\nPrincipal Victoria: I'm sorry, the board has made up their minds.\nCoach: You can't fire me for what these kids do!\nPrincipal Victoria: That isn't the only reason you're being let go.\nCoach: What do you mean?\nPrincipal Victoria: [sighs] We... found all the gay porn on your iPhone, Mr. Conners.\nScene Description: The wrestling dressing room, day. The boys are dressing up for another round of wrestling matches. Kyle and Token are talking.\nKyle: So I'm thinking we do the part about Jimmy's relationship with his alcoholic father after you smash Butters onto the table.\nToken: Oh! Sure, that works.\nCartman: [rushing in with a letter] You guys! You guys, listen to this! It's amazing!\nKyle: What dude? [the other boys gather 'round]\nCartman: We just received a letter from the WWE.\nStan: From the professional wrestlers we saw in Denver?\nButters: No way!\nCartman: \"Gentlemen, We have heard of your wrestling organization and are quite interested in its popularity. The WWE is delighted to inform you that it will be sending a talent scout, President Vince McMahon to view your wrestling event this Saturday the twenty-fourth.\"\nStan: Vince McMahon is coming to see us?\nKyle: This is our shot at making it into the WWE. To be real wrestlers. [Stan and Kyle begin chanting \"Omigod!\" repeatedly]\nStan: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!..\nKyle: Oh my God... Oh my God...\nToken: I can't believe it's him.\nButters: I'm freaking out...\nKyle: [fans himself] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!\nCartman: Okay guys! Guys, listen! We seriously have to focus here! We have exactly three days before the scout is here to see us wrestle. We gotta step it up and work it like never before.\nStan: Alright it's time to start the second act. Let's bring the crowd back in from intermission and then improvise some stuff for Saturday!\nScene Description: Intermission. The crowd is milling around in the front lawn, and the darkened amphitheater is visible behind the fence.\nDarryl: Yeah, no I I think Congo is a great wrestler; I just think Rad Russian has his number.\nRedneck 19: Yeah, but Rad Russian has a lot of abandonment issues. [a chime sounds, indicating the start of the second act]\nDarryl: Uh oh, it looks like the intermission is over, better head back.\nScene Description: The amphitheater. The lights come up on Kyle in the ring, who begins to speak.\nKyle: I left my wife today. Walked out of the apartment without saying a word. I ran away from my responsibilities... just like I always do. [an elderly fan holds up a sign: \"STOP RUNNING JUGGERNAUT\"] And I, again, am alone. [Stan, Butters, and Token climb into the ring behind him]\nStan: Here he is, hiding in the forest as I told you. [Kyle turns to see the other three boys]\nButters: Juggernaut! There is to be an Ultimate Smackdown this Saturday! Are you going to run from that as well?\nKyle: I'll fight anytime, anywhere!\nRedneck 20: He don't run from fights, just from responsibilities. [Token swings a chair into the back of Kyle's head, and Kyle falls to the floor]\nCrowd: Oohhhhh! [Token begins to twist Kyle's arm] Boooooooo!\nStan: What do I do? Juggernaut is my long lost brother. [Kenny climbs into the ring as El Pollo Loco] And yet Congo saved my life in Nam. [Kenny picks up the chair and swings it into Token, and Stan turns to see him]\nAnnouncer: It's El Pollo Loco! [a section full of Mexican fans hold up a Mexican flag and two banners: \"Viva El Pollo Loco\" and \"Me Gusta El Pollo Loco\"]\nScene Description: Sizzler, Thursday. The four boys are seated at a table.\nCartman: Thanks for coming, guys. I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here to Sizzler.\nKyle: Yeah, what's this about? We should be writing our monologues for Smackdown.\nCartman: Well guys, Kenny and I have been talking.\nKenny: (Yeah, we've been talking.)\nCartman: And, I mean, Smackdown might be our one shot at making it into the WWE, right? I mean a shot like this might never come again.\nStan: Yeah?\nCartman: Well, the way we see it, we have three primary obstacles in making Smackdown a great show: Token, Butters, Jimmy.\nKenny: (Yep.)\nKyle: What are you talking about?\nCartman: Guys, let's face it: they can't wrestle for crap! I mean, every time I wrestle with one of them, they flub a line or blow their monologue. And Token? He has no emotion, no timing, he's the worst wrestler I've ever seen!\nStan: He's right.\nKyle: What?\nStan: Dude, it's really hard to do your best wrestling when you're up against Token.\nCartman: Right?\nStan: And Butters and Jimmy I mean, they're okay but, they're never gonna make it as professional wrestlers.\nKyle: Well, so then WWE will recruit us and not them.\nCartman: No dude, they're gonna hurt our chances.\nKenny: (They're gonna hurt our chances.)\nCartman: Because we all know that the new material I've written is stuff those guys can't handle, and we'll suffer from it!\nKyle: So what do we do?\nKenny: (We've gotta bring somebody else on.)\nCartman: Yep. We've gotta bring somebody else on who can handle the more difficult roles that we can wrestle against instead of those guys.\nStan: Somebody who can do the harder stuff we've written so that Token, Butters, and Jimmy can have smaller parts.\nKyle: How do we find somebody who can wrestle that well?\nCartman: It's simple. We just gotta hold tryouts.\nScene Description: Tryouts, later on. Syncopated music plays, similar to \"All That Jazz.\" The four boys are seated at a table a few rows up in the amphitheater.\nCartman: Number seventeen step forward, please? [a man steps forward shielding his eyes from the glare of the spotlights] You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant. You suspect he could be a terrorist and your parents died in the 9/11 attacks. Go!\nNumber 17: [gets into a slight crouch] You dirty Muslim bastard! I don't trust you, and I never will! Do you know how it feels to lose your parents?! No you wouldn't, you smelly brown Middle Eastern piece of sh-\nCartman: Thank you! Number twenty-four? [another man steps forth as Number 17 returns to his place] You're wrestling for the right to marry Mackenzie Phillips, but just learned that she had sex with her father uh, go!\nNumber 24: Your father! Your own father! [slaps himself four times] I don't care if you were on drugs, you sick! Whore!\nCartman: Thank you. [Number 24 returns to his place]\nKyle: That guy's a pretty good wrestler.\nKenny: (Mhm.)\nStan: Yeah yeah, not bad.\nCartman: Let's see uh, can we get number thirty seven to step forward again. [Number 37 steps forward] We just wanna get to know you all a little better. What can you tell us about yourself?\nNumber 37: Not a whole lot to tell, really. Was born in Fort Collins, started watching wrestling when I was four years old. My father... he liked it too. Until he died. [stirring music begins to play] Sometimes I think it's 'cause of him I followed this dream. [breaks into song] All my life, all I ever wanted was to Beeeee a wrestler Fiiiiighting in the ring Winning that belt. And so I dreamed every night that I was the Uuuuundertaaker Smaaaaashing skulls in Breaking arms. But I'm so worked up. This is something I can do. Do I have what it takes inside?\nStan: Damn dude, that is some badass wrestling.\nCartman: Yeah, this guy crushes.\nScene Description: The coach's trophy room. A whole bunch of wrestling trophies and awards are shown as the camera pans to the right. The coach is seated in his armchair.\nMr. Conners: It isn't fair. All my hard work. [he's reading Saturday's Gazette, which has Vince McMahon's picture and name under the headline \"Wrestling Smackdown Brings WWE President\"] I'm not going to take it anymore. [he throws the paper to the floor, gets up from the chair, and walks over to a mirror.] That wrestling show is in for a big surprise. [grabs his headgear and puts it on] I'm putting an end to this once and for all! [gets into a wrestling stance] Hyaaaaa!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, Saturday night. A banner under the second-floor windows reads \"ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN TONIGHT!!!\" People from all over South Park gather on the front lawn. A white limo with the WWE logo emblazened on it comes to a stop in front of the house.\nKyle: [standing on a stool by the front window] He's here! Vince McMahon is here! [the other boys arrive. An assistant opens the back door and Vince steps out and surveys the front yard.]\nJimmy: Oowow, it's really him.\nStan: He's here, Ohh my God [Kyle hops off the stool and joins Stan in the chant] Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod o-\nCartman: [preparing to dress as Irene] Alright, places everyone.\nScene Description: The backyard amphitheater. The lights go out and two spotlights light up the ring.\nCartman: [over the speakers] Welcome to this performance of Wrestling Takedown Federation: Smackdown. [An opera box has been built to accommodate McMahon. It has four seats, and an usher takes McMahon and assistant to their seats. Vince has his own personal Playbill with \"WTF\" on the cover]\nStan: Juggernaut? Juggernaut, hey, what's goin' on?\nKyle: You know what's goin' on. It's Smackdown tonight. Which means we might have to fight each other.\nStan: Heyhey whoa, you shouldn't be fighting anybody. What about your cancer?\nKyle: Wait a minute. Who is that?\nStan: It's Triceratops, and he's with Irene. [Coach Connors sneaks up to the side of Cartman's house with a briefcase and puts his back up against the wall]\nKyle: You aren't welcome here, Triceratops!\nCartman: My man can do whatever he wants.\nMr. Conners: Stay calm, you know what you have to do.\nCartman: You're just gonna have to deal with that.\nMr. Conners: For the good of real wrassling. [quickly moves away and out of sight]\nButters: No Irene, please! Just this once, do not abort this baby!\nCartman: My body, my rights! In fact, I'm jonesing for the rush so badly, I don't think I'll make it to the clinic.\nStan: No, you can't possibly mean that-!\nCartman: Yes! I think maybe I'll have another abortion! Right here, right now!\nCrowd: Awwwww!\nKyle: There's someone here to wrestle you, Irene! A baby you aborted many years ago survived! And he's here now!\nNumber 37: [leaps into view in yellow tights and red boots] Mother! Why did you abort me? Why?\nRedneck 21: He's alive!\nCartman: You! Get back in the trashcan where you belong!\nScene Description: The opera box.\nAssistant: What do you think?\nStan: Irene, there's no way we could let you here, and I'd let you do something informal like that.\nVince: They are decent wrestlers. We'll see how they develop their through lines in the second act. [whips out some opera glasses and puts them on]\nScene Description: Under the bleachers. Coach Connors is sneaking around, occasionally going into a wrestling stance.\nJimmy: Aha! I thought I would find you here, Triceratops!\nButters: Stay out of my business Sergeant Hammerclaw! You just stay out of my way!\nGuard: [catching up to the coach] Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm afraid this area is off limits.\nButters: [after Jimmy says something] Are you sure?\nMr. Conners: Oh don't mind me. [puts down his briefcase] I was just about to- [quickly gets the guard to the ground and takes up the starting position of wrassling.]\nGuard: [seems to be enjoying all the moves and grunts the coach is making] Heh whoa-ho! Heh hey! Whoawhoawhoa. Whoahoho. Eheheh. The fuck is this?\nScene Description: The backyard amphitheater. The next segment begins with the Rad Russian holding court while the other wrestlers sway to the music behind him.\nCartman: O, how I long for the spring meadows of Russia! The soft Russian sky!\nScene Description: An upper floor under the bleachers. The coach climbs up a ladder to this floor and sets his briefcase down. He opens the case and assembles the rocket-propeled grenade launcher inside it.\nStan: When are you going to face reality, Congo? Just because you were raised by panthers doesn't mean you are one!\nButters: He's closer to a panther than you'll ever be!\nJimmy: Lies! These are all a bunch of lies! [back to the ring. Kenny has a bloody baby doll under his left arm. A fake umbilical cord is attached to it] Now you listen here, El, Pollo Loco! It doesn't matter if your wife was killed, you cannot keep Irene's aborted baby!\nKenny: (I can keep the baby...)\nScene Description: The railing at the very top of the amphitheater, behind the topmost seats. The coach climbs up and over it with his RPGL.\nCartman: Just let them crawl back to Mexico Sergeant Hammerclaw. [The coach picks up the RPGL, puts it on his shoulder, and takes aim] We can't... might as well go back to your land of burritos, tacos, and take this aborted baby where it will fit in right with all the other aborted babies in Mexico!\nMr. Conners: [while Cartman speaks] Only one shot. [moves his aim from the ring to the opera box] Maximum damage. [zooms in on McMahon] This is all your fault, you WWE president asshole! Your fault we all die here. Right. Now. FOR WRASSLING! [fires the launcher and the rocket takes off. It goes towards the façade, but stops and drops harmlessly into the ring] NO! [Kenny picks it up. It comes back to life and takes off with him holding on. They go all over the place, but finally take off into the sky, where the grenade blows up and releases fireworks. Below, Mexican fans of El Pollo Loco hold up banners: \"Viva El Pollo Loco\" \"Me Gusta El Pollo Loco\"]\nFan 1: O dios mio, mataron al Pollo Loco!\nFan 2: Bastardos! [Kenny's theme music comes up as the fireworks continue coming down. Vince and his assistant stand up and applaud the performance]\nMr. Conners: [coming down the bleachers towards the ring] No! No, shut up! [steps into the ring] You idiots want wrassling?! This is wrassling! [performs some wrestling stances and grunts, but gets booed]\nRedneck 22: We want some real wrestlers!\nMr. Conners: This is just a bunch of garbage! And you are all ruining the good name of wrassling! [the boos continue] Wrassling is from ancient Greece! It's in the Olympics!\nDarryl: What the hell do you care?! Get off the wrestlin' mat! Boo!\nMr. Conners: Why do I care? These kids made it so real wrassling is gone from schools! It's practically gone from the culture. Damn it they took my job!\nCrowd: [suddenly confused] Huh? What?\nRedneck 5: They took his job.\nRedneck 23: I know. Sshh. [the crowd falls silent, waiting for his next words]\nMr. Conners: You want to know pain? Pain is dedicating your entire life to a sport, to a career, and then having it all ripped away from you like a babe from its mother.\nDarryl: Oh man, they took his job?\nRedneck 13: They took hid-drr.\nMr. Conners: Lost everything! Couldn't even afford to pay for my... little retriever Rex anymore! Animal Control came and got him!\nRedneck 24: They took his dog!\nRedneck 25: They tok hid-drr!\nRedneck 5: Took hid-drrr!\nMr. Conners: I ended up on the streets, stealing! Got busted by the police and had to spend the night in jail! The other inmates, they all beat me up and fractured my jaw to where I couldn't eat!\nRedneck 26: They broke his jaw!\nRedneck 22: Theeyy broke his jaw!\nRedneck 27: Brk hij-jrr! [a rooster in a cage crows]\nMr. Conners: So you see I have nothing left. Nothing! Not even the will to live. [He closes his eyes. The crowd takes it in, applauds, then gives him a standing ovation. He opens his eyes, surprised at the reaction. Flowers begin falling at his feet, and Vince McMahon steps into the ring to approach him]\nVince: Sir, that was one of the finest wrestling performances I have ever seen.\nMr. Conners: What?\nVince: Will you not join our wrestling organization? I promise to make you our leading act.\nMr. Conners: You, you mean it?\nVince: Come! I want to get you in rehearsals right away! [leaves the ring with the coach]\nKyle: What?\nStan: Dude.\nCartman: Hey, what about us? Our show? [the coach is now grinning as the two men walk away]\nVince: Sorry boys. You are decent wrestlers, but lack the raw wrestling talent this man has.\nThe boys: Aaaaah.\nCartman: This is all your fault, Kyle! You screwed up the second act!\nKyle: Me?! It was your stupid-ass writing!\nJimmy: Face it: Stan's crappy singing is what sssunk us!\nStan: What?? [three fights break out in the ring: Cartman vs. Kyle, Jimmy vs. Stan, and Token vs. Butters]\nJimmy: You can s-, you can suck, suck my balls!\nStan: Don't go pointing fingers at me, Cartman! You have no idea what you're talking about, and it wasn't... [the fighting continues. The crowd gets bored of this unscripted fight]\nRedneck 28: What the hell's this?\nRedneck 29: This is Goddamned fake!\nDarryl: Screw this, this is just stupid. [leaves his seat. Other spectators leave their seats as the boys continue to fight in the ring]\nCartman: Oh, don't start with me, Kenny!\nRedneck 30: FAKE!\nCartman: Kenny! I'm-"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Denver Aquarium, day. A group of people are wading around in a dolphin pool. Among them are the Marshes.\nChet: All right, everyone, welcome to the Dolphin Encounter here at the Denver Aquarium. [a woman behind him waves at everyone. Randy takes a picture of the trainers] My name is Chet and I'll be your guide and trainer as you meet these intelligent and truly magical creatures. [several dolphins swim in from another part of the pool] And here they come: this is Trigger and Dolly, uh there's Bubbles.\nStan: [happily] Wow cool.\nRandy: Pretty neat birthday, huh Stan?\nStan: Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.\nChet: If they come near you you can touch their back just no grabbing please. What whimsical creatures aren't they? All the dolphins you will be encountering today are Atlantic bottlenose dolphins. Now who would like to get a kiss from one?\nGirl: I would like to-\nRandy: [barging in] MEMEME. I wanna kiss it! I wanna kiss it!\nChet: Uh all right, let's just uh, get you to put your hands, palms down, on the water. [a dolphin swims by] The- [a rumble is heard, and then gets louder]\nStan: What the hell is that? [the trainer turns around. A group of Japanese men in kimonos run towards the pool with harpoons in hand.]\nTrainer 2: Oh no it's the Japanese! [The group jumps in and proceeds to stab every dolphin in there repeatedly until the dolphins bleed to death, then jumps out of the pool and runs back towards the way it came from.]\nJapanese Man 1: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck youuu dofiiin!\nJapanese Man 2: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you dofiiin! [they leave behind a pool of dead dolphins and bewildered guests. The girl begins to cry.]\nScene Description: Another location. The guide here is in front of a huge tank with a thick glass wall through which sea life can be seen.\nGuide: These are our favorite animals here at the Atlanta Zoo. It's Dolly and Seymour. They are beluga whales. These whales live mostly in the Arctic region- [the Japanese men strike again, making everyone else run out of the area, breaking the wall with their harpoons.]\nJapanese Man 3: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, whaaales!\nScene Description: The Baltimore Aquarium. Some dolphins are performing tricks when the Japanese men strike a third time.\nTrainer 3: All right Jessica, now put your arms out like this. [little Jessica lifts her arms out and open] Great job, Jessica!\nJapanese Man 4: Fuck you, whaaale! [jumps onto the platform and harpoons the whale, then runs off without taking the harpoon]\nJessica: AAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: Stan's house, night, Stan's bedroom. He's moping on his bed. Randy peeks in to see how Stan is doing, then walks in and goes to Stan's bed.\nRandy: [sigh] Hey pal. [sits by him] Sorry your birthday got a little ruined by the Japanese.\nStan: Dad, why did they do that?\nRandy: Well Stan, the Japanese just... don't really like dolphins very much. Certainly not as much as us normal people do. But hey, at least you still got your T-shirt! [Stan moves his arms out of the way and looks at the shirt - a white \"I swam with the dolphins\" T-shirt with blood splattered on it.] And you always have your neat picture. [hands Stan the framed picture on the nightstand, which Stan opens and looks at. It's of Stan and a dead dolphin, with the caption \"My New Friend!\" underneath]\nScene Description: The Miami Dolphins home field, Land Shark Stadium, day.\nCommentator 1: Dan Dierdorf here, welcoming you to this great football matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins. We're all set for kickoff and- [the Japanese men strike again]\nCommentator 2: Oh Dan it looks like Japanese people are now rushing onto the field. [the Japanese men stab and kill all the Dolphin players] This is not the kind of thing you want happening during kickoff. [the Japanese men run off]\nJapanese Man 5: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, dofiiin!\nScene Description: Channel 9 News.\nNews Anchor: Several whales and dolphins were again slaughtered by the Japanese today, this time at the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom near San Francisco. [a shot of the Japanese killing the dolphins there] Aquariums had been experimenting with methods to keep the Japanese out, but so far nothing seems to stop them. When asked if all of Japan supported the slaughtering of whales and dolphins, the current Prime Minister of Japan, Yukio Hatoyama, had this to say:\nHatoyama: [clears his throat] (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you weiru [gives the finger with his right hand], anda fuck you dohfiiin! [gives the finger with his left hand]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman is singing Lady Gaga's \"Poker Face\". He's at the chorus while Kenny is on a Rock Band drum set. Kyle is on a Rock Band guitar.\nCartman: Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh.\nStan: [as Cartman finishes the chorus] Guys... guys... [Cartman turns off the mic] Look, I really think it's time for us to do something. This is all getting way out of hand.\nCartman: What do you mean? This song is sweet.\nStan: No, not the song. I'm talking about the Japanese killing whales and dolphins.\nKyle: Dude, they've been doing that for a long time.\nStan: So? Dude, don't you guys care? We have to do something.\nKyle: What are we gonna do, Stan? It's, it's not like we can change the way an entire country thinks. I don't like it, but it's just the way they are.\nStan: It seems like everyone has an attitude of \"that's just the way they are\" or \"that's just the way it is\"! Nobody likes it, but everybody's too busy to do anything about it!\nCartman: I'm not too busy, Stan.\nStan: You're not?\nCartman: No, I just don't care. At all.\nKenny: (Yeah, me neither.)\nStan: Kenny? You don't care about whales and dolphins being slaughtered?\nCartman: [speaking into the mic] Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whaaales!\nStan: You know, when all the whales and dolphins in the world are gone, people are gonna wish that at some point they had taken a little time to care just a little goddamn bit! [turns and walks out the front door. The boys don't move for a few seconds, then Cartman launches back into \"Poker Face\".]\nCartman: I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be. I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree.\nScene Description: Stan's room, sometime later. He's at his desk, pissed off that Cartman and the others don't seem moved by the slaughter. Butters peeks in, then approaches Stan.\nButters: Hey Stan! I heard you were looking for people who care about the Japanese slaughterin' whales.\nStan: [lights up] Yeah. Butters, do you wanna help?\nButters: Nononono, I got stuff to do. But I wanted to tell you there's these fellers on TV. They go out in the ocean an' try to stop the Japanese wherever they are.\nStan: [turns to look at Butters] Really? [gets off his chair] People who are doing something?\nButters: I watch their show all the time. And, they take volunteers.\nStan: [determined] Then that's where I belong.\nScene Description: OP for Whale Wars, a montage of scenes from that show.\nSinger: The world is a vampire, sent to drain.\nCaptain Paul Watson: Yeah, we're badass.\nSinger: Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.\nMale Crew 1: Any means necessary! We're not protesters, we're pirates! [\"Whale Wars\" shows up onscreen]\nScene Description: Whale Wars. The Sea Shepherd is shown floating in the middle of the ocean. In the bridge the Shepherd's crew is gathered.\nCaptain: That's definitely a Japanese boat. [looks through his binoculars] Looks like they're whaling now. [sure enough, the Japanese, on the Herro Maru No. 3, are throwing harpoons at the whales. Random cries of \"Gojira\" come forth]\nJapanese Sailor: Fuck youuu, weiruu!\nFirst Mate: Oh my God, they're gonna kill those humpbacks!\nWoman: We've gotta do something!\nCaptain: Pull up next to them. The fight is on!\nStan: Sweet! [the Sea Shepherd pulls up alongside the Herro Maru. The whalers gather at the railings and razz the Sea Shepherd]\nCaptain: [taking his crew out to the deck] Are we ready to do this?\nCrew: Yeah!\nStan: Yeah. Hell yeah! Let's do it!\nCaptain: Are we badasses?\nCrew, Stan: Yeah!\nCaptain: Are we badasses?\nCrew, Stan: Yeah!\nCaptain: All right, so... what do we do? [the Japanese continue razzing them] Wait, I know. How about we go on their ship, and then beat ourselves up? And then we can tell the media they did it?\nCrewman: [masked] Great idea, Captain!\nAussie Crewman: I'll start right now. [begins punching himself on the cheek]\nWoman: \"Oh my God, Luke's been hurt trying to save whales.\"\nCaptain: Wait, wait wait. I've got a better idea. How about I pretend to be shot? Then we can tell the media the Japanese shot me, a-and start an international c-crisis?\nStan: Whoa, wait wait, we don't wanna just lie about stuff.\nCaptain: Why not?\nStan: Well, 'cause then we're just douchebags, dude. Come on, they're right here. Let, let's get hardcore!\nCaptain: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns! You guys ready? [the crewmen hold up sticks of something...] Ready? And... throw the stinky butter at them! [they throw the sticks at the Herro Maru and hit it, leaving blotches in various places. One explodes next to two sailors, who just look at the mess it leaves]\nLuke: Haha, you stink now! Haha!\nStan: Wait, that's it?\nCaptain: Yeah, we make 'em stink. Haha your boat is stinky! Here, th- here, throw one.\nStan: Those guys are always covered in dolphin and whale guts. They don't care if they stink. Come on, let's break their boat.\nCaptain: Well no, that'd be illegal.\nCrewman 2: Yeah.\nStan: [can't believe how toothless their threats are] I thought you guys were pirates in a war!\nWoman: I'm a pirate in a war.\nStan: Pirates don't worry about the law! You guys said you were badasses!\nCaptain: We are. People think our methods are extreme. But we'll keep making their boats stink as long as they're killing whales and dolphins!\nLuke: The Japanese are scared of how hardcore we are. [a Japanese gunner prepares a large harpoon in a cannon and fires it off. It strikes the Shepherd's captain's head, goes through it, and pins him on the wall, killing him instantly. Blood comes out everywhere]\nWoman: Paul! [the Japanese sailors cheer this small victory]\nCrewman: Paul?\nCrewman 2: What do we do?\nWoman: We don't have a captain!\nCrewman: Oh my God, oh my God!\nWoman 2: [masked] Maybe he's okay.\nScene Description: Stan turns and goes towards a utility box. He opens it, rifles through it and finds a flare gun. He takes it, goes to the railing, and fires a flare at the Herro Maru. It finds the fuel storage area, lights up, and soon the barrels and boxes in that area begin to burn and explode. The Japanese try to put out the fire, but it's no use.\nCrewman 2: Oh my God.\nLuke: What did you do?\nStan: What you assholes acted like you were doing? [cries of \"ikaban\" come from the Herro Maru as it slowly sinks in the ocean and Japanese sailors jump off the ship]\nScene Description: Montage as Cartman sings \"Poker Face\". An Entertainment Weekly cover with Captain Stan on it and the lead story \"'Whale Wars' Gets Better. Things Actually Happen Now.\" The crewmen are now throwing Molotov cocktails at the ships, and the Japanese run for cover. Next, Stan steers the Sea Shepherd. Next, Stan is shown with a large new cannon, having just fired a grenade at a whaling ship with it. The crew dances with joy. Next, a Variety cover with the new captain and the headline, \"Whale Wars Ratings Skyrocket. New Captain Not A Fat Liar Like The Old One.\" Next, Stan leads the crew as they act as a volunteer security force at aquariums across the country. Next, a People cover with Captain Stan and his crew, and the cover story, \"WHALE WARS New Cast Member Turns Vegan Pussies Into Actual Pirates. 19-page exclusive article.\" Finally, Stan and crew stand before a covered statue at Sea World. The Japanese head their way to get into the park.\nStan: Wait for it... wait for it... NOW! [the crew pulls at the ropes, and the covers comes off the statue - it's Godzilla.]\nThe Japanese: Ohhhh Gojira! Gojira! [they turn and run away]\nScene Description: Someone is reading a newspaper, the World News, on which is the headline \"LITTLE BOY SINKS ANOTHER JAPANESE BOAT!\" and a picture of Stan on the Sea Shepherd pointing at another sinking Japanese ship.\nHatoyama: Nippon no gaijin! [\"Stranger to Japan!\" He looks at the paper again] Kuso, taberu na! [\"Eat shit!\" Crumples up the paper and throws it down.]\nScene Description: Larry King Live.\nAnnouncer: And now, Larry King, live.\nLarry King: My guest tonight is the little boy who took over the Whale Wars reality show and turned it into a big hit. Please welcome Stan Marsh and his crew.\nLuke: 'Ey Jordan! I'm on Larry King, mate!\nLarry King: So Stan, what motivated you, what... inspired you to get out there and make a hit TV show?\nStan: No I, I don't really care about the TV show, I'm just trying to stop the Japanese from killing dolphins and whales.\nLarry King: Once you became captain the methods used to stop the Japanese definitely became more aggressive. Was that the key to help boost your ratings?\nStan: ...No, I don't care about the show.\nWoman 2: We're pirates.\nStan: I just want people to know that you can stop the Japanese if you have some real goddamned balls!\nWoman 2: I've got balls! [Stan looks at her a bit annoyed]\nLarry King: Well there are many people who see what you're doing as a positive thing, and of course, many that see problems with it. Joining us now is one of those people and... [goes into split screen, with another guest speaking via satellite] You say Stan's methods are unethical.\nSid: Larry, you can't just go out and take matters into your own hands like this. If you want a hit TV show you have to go through producers, directors, people that are in unions.\nLarry King: But Sid, you saw the show before Stan took it over; you have to admit that it was nothing but incompetent vegan pussies doing absolutely nothing and trying to turn it into drama.\nSid: Yes, but it doesn't justify changing the entire show structure that their old captain had pitched to the network.\nStan: Can we please just talk about the actual whaling problem for a second?!\nLarry King: But their old captain, Paul Watson [a real-life photo of him is shown], was an unorganized incompetent media whore who thought lying to everyone was okay as long as it served his cause.\nSid: He yes, of course, everyone knows that Paul Watson was a smug, narcoleptic liar with no credibility, but we must-\nStan: Screw this, I gotta get back to work!\nScene Description: The rechristened Real Whale Wars.\nAnnouncer: On this episode of Real Actual Whale Wars, Captain Marsh searches for the Japanese fleet, knowing they could be absolutely anywhere. [Stan is shown on the bridge planning their next move with Crewman 2]\nStan: Would you mind stepping back a little?\nLuke: Captain! Captain, some new volunteers showed up to help us in our crusade! [the cameraman and boom mic operator take a few steps back]\nStan: No- Dude, we really can't take any more volunteers.\nLuke: But they say you know them. [Cartman and Kenny walk through the door]\nCartman: Ahall right dude, this is pretty sweet! [his sweater has \"SAVE THE WHALES\" on it, while Kenny's parka now has \"DOLPHIN LOVER\" on it].\nStan: Oh no, no, NO.\nCartman: What dude?\nStan: Oh what? So now that I have a hit TV show you guys care about dolphins and whales?\nCartman: We always have.\nKenny: (Yeah, totally!)\nStan: I asked you guys to help me and you said no!\nCartman: That's not what we said.\nStan: You said \"Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whales!\"\nCartman: We were talking about Wales the country.\nStan: Look, if you admit that you're only doing this because you wanna be on TV, then I'll consider it! Admit you just wanna be on TV!\nKenny: (I just want to be on TV.)\nCartman: [under his breath] Kenny! [to Stan] I deserve to be on TV.\nCrewman 2: Captain! Captain, the Japanese have been spotted near buoy 24!\nStan: Take us out of port! All hands to stations!\nCartman: [popping up in front of the camera] All right! Let's go save those whales, you guys! [grins and pumps a fist]\nAnnouncer: [an aerial view of the Sea Shepherd is shown] Captain Marsh races his boat to the last known location of the Japanese whalers. If he doesn't get there in time, hundreds of dolphins or whales could die.\nStan: As soon as we get there, we've gotta deploy the tracking device! We can't let those whales get hurt! [the Sea Shepherd lurches all of a sudden.]\nCrewman 2: What the hell was that?!\nCrewman 3: We just got rammed.\nStan: Oh the Japanese wanna play that way, huh?!\nCrewman 4: It's not the Japanese.\nStan: What? [goes outside with the crew]\nAnnouncer: On deck the crew is surprised at what they see. The other boat is from Deadliest Catch, a crab-fishing reality show.\nDC Captain: You think you're so cool, don'tcha?! You think you're big boat reality show on the block?! [goes to a cage and pulls out a crab from it] You're taking away men's livelihoods!\nStan: What? Dude, we're trying to get to some whales.\nDC Captain: You're taking viewers away from our show, you stupid ass!\nCartman: Your show is fuckin' gay, dude!\nDC Crewman: Your show is fuckin' gay!\nStan: Screw this! Turn hard to port! [takes the wheel and starts turning left]\nAnnouncer: But everywhere his reality show's boat turns, the crab fishing reality boat blocks its path. [the crab boat, being smaller and faster, blocks the Sea Shepherd's path quickly]\nStan: Dude, fuck you!\nDC Captain: Fuck you!\nAnnouncer: It's been three hours and the crab fishing reality show isn't budging. [Stan is in the captain's quarters, sitting behind a desk, his face buried in his arms] Captain Marsh's boat is dead in the water. He can't go after the Japanese, he can't help the whales or dolphins. Once again on Whale Wars, nothing is happening.\nCrewman 3: [name: Benjamin Potts] It's pretty difficult times because uh, we know that every minute we're sitting here stopped, a, another whale is dying.\nCartman: [gets emotional] Really tough, you know. It's... really hard. It's like [sniff], we've dedicated all this time and all our lives to saving these majestic creatures.\nKenny: (And they're all shot.) [cries]\nCartman: Shhh, Kenny... [the camera zooms in on Kenny, who's got his face in his hands] Old Ken is taking it especially hard. He's always loved dolphins so much that he- [flashes an angry look at the camera] Yeah yeah but, but keep it in a two-shot, though. [The camera pulls back to its previous position] Yeah, keep it there. [Cartman resumes his tale] He's always loved dolphins so much that he would do anything.\nKenny: (I would do anything!) [puts his face back in his hands and cries.]\nAnnouncer: The crab-fishing reality show is doing just fine. [the crewmen celebrate another great catch.]\nDC Crew: Yeah! Woohoo! Alright! [Stan is again shown in the captain's quarters, his face still buried in his arms on the desk]\nAnnouncer: But for the Whale Wars crew, it appears the show is over. Until... a sound is heard. [whale sounds. Stan lifts his head up]\nStan: What was that? [moments later the crew goes on deck. Stan is with them]\nBenjamin: Captain, look!\nThe Crew: Wow. Whoa. [before them are a bunch of whales. One of them rams the crab fishing reality show boat]\nWoman 2: The whales are taking out the crab fisherman reality show!\nStan: It's like... they know. [two whales latch onto buoys at either end of a net and begin to haul away the crab fishing boat.]\nDC Crewmen: Hey. Heeey. Noo! Stop! [the Sea Shepherd crew begin to cheer and jump for joy]\nStan: They do know. They know everything I've been trying to do for them.\nCartman: Our gentle friends of the sea have saved the day. Because they know that only we can save them from the Japanese. [small plane engines are now heard. Cartman, Stan, and the others begin to look around]\nJapanese Pilot: Bonzaaaaaaaai! [flies his plane right into a whale and blows up]\nStan: Jesus Christ! [Everyone looks around as more planes come in and take out the whales surrounding the boat. Two whales take a dive to deeper water, but two planes follow them under and blow up. The whales' corpses float up onto the water's surface.] We've gotta get something to shoot 'em with!\nWoman 2: Look out! [four Japanes planes crash into the boat and blow it and themselves up. Once the smoke clears, the ocean is shown, filled with debris and carcasses. The crew of the Sea Shepherd is dead... Except for Cartman, Stan, and Kenny, who swim towards a piece of wood.]\nStan: [catching his breath] I, I can't, I can't believe it.\nCartman: Dude, you know what? Japanese people really do not like whales. [the Japanese boats pulls up to the boys' location and stops.] Uh oh.\nScene Description: Tokyo, day. The boys are in a prison cell. Cartman brings out a harmonica and starts playing it.\nCartman: Well I'm in Japanese prison Lawd Japanese prison got me down Said I'm in Japanese prison Lawd Don't belong here, my eyes are round.\nStan: Will you stop that?\nCartman: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making things uncomfortable for you Stan? It's your fault me and Kenny are in this mess!\nStan: Things are bad enough without you being a smartass! There's whales out there being slaughtered right now and I can't do anything about it, so just keep quiet!\nCartman: You don't have a TV show anymore, Captain, so you can just suck my Japanese-imprisoned balls! [goes back to his song. Stan goes to the cell door and looks out] I'm in a Japanese prison Lawd. Japanese balls got me down. [a door opens somewhere and two prison guards walk towards the boys' cell]\nGuard: Itte kure 'Akihito-sama irashaimasu!' [\"... 'Welcome, Lord Akihito'!\" The boys, not knowing Japanese, say nothing. The guards bow to the emperor]\nEmperor Akihito: So, you are the ones who have been-a sinking our boats!\nStan: You speak English.\nEmperor Akihito: You have caused us many problems, set us back many months!\nCartman: Sir, we actually don't give two shits about you killing whales. Can we go?\nKenny: (Yeah, can we go?)\nEmperor Akihito: [steps closer to the door] Why have you done this? Why do you insist on-a making trouble for the Japanese?!\nStan: Why do you do what you do?! Do you know that ninety eight percent of the world is against whaling?! Why can't you just stop?!\nEmperor Akihito: [turns his back on the boys] You think you have the right to tell us what is okay?! I have-a something to show you!\nScene Description: The Hiroshima Peace Memorial, day. Emperor Akihito takes the boys on a tour of the memorial.\nEmperor Akihito: This is Hiroshima. Over fifty years ago this entire city was-a destroyed by nuclear bomb. We built this museum so that we never forget what-a happened. [Cartman yawns, Stan punches him on the right shoulder]\nCartman: What dude?\nScene Description: Inside the Memorial.\nEmperor Akihito: At-a 8:15 a.m. the people of Hiroshima were just minding their own business when out of nowhere a frash devastated them all. [an atomic bomb is detonated] Women and children who died in the frash simply evaporated. [footage of bomb victims appears] Those reft arrive suffered the worst pain of all. Burns, radiation poisoning. For generations the radiation affected the victims. Japanese babies born without rimbs. Without eyes! [Cartman snickers. The emperor turns, folds his arms over his chest, and glares at him]\nCartman: Sorry. [clears his throat.] A little gassy. 'Scuse me.\nEmperor Akihito: One hundred and forty thousand Japanese were killed by atom bomb. We have never recovered from the memory of that day. It is impossible for a nation to ever forgive an act so horrible. This-a picture shows the prane that dropped the bomb. [shows it to the boys] It was called the Enora Gay. And it was frown by the monsters who dropped the bomb that day. Dohfin, and Weiru! [the pilots are shown to be a dolphin and a whale. The emperor shakes with anger]\nStan: Ummm, where did you get that picture?\nEmperor Akihito: The Americans were nice enough to give it to us the day after the bombing. We were so-a thankful for the picture that the next day we ended our war with America. We will never forgive, never rest until they are all wiped out! Fuck you. Fuck you dohfin and-a weiru!\nCartman: So that's what this has all been about?\nStan: Dude, it wasn't actually and dolphin and a whale who bombed Hiroshima. It was the-\nCartman: Zzzzt zzzzsssht! [whispers aloud] Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out.\nStan: Oh, right. Look, I... I think I can make everything okay here. Can I just use a phone?\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's working at his computer when the phone rings. He picks up his cell phone and answers.\nKyle: Hello? Stan?\nStan: Dude, are you sitting at your computer? I need you to do something for me.\nScene Description: At the Prime Minister's office, later.\nStan: Mister Prime Minister, Japanese officials, there's something you need to know. The photo you were given of the Enola Gay was doctored. Because the real bombers feared retaliation so badly that they... simply pointed the finger at somebody else. My government has authorized me to give you the original photo, unaltered, so you can finally know the truth. [pulls out a manila envelope and walks to the Prime Minister's desk] Dolphins and whales were just framed by the real bombers. [hands the envelope to the Prime Minister, who opens it and pulls out the \"unaltered\" photo. The Prime Minister and the officials crowd in to look at the photo.] A chicken and a cow.\nEmperor Akihito: Chicken and-a cow? Chicken and-a cow?!\nHatoyama: Chicken and cow use poor dohfin and weiru as-a scapegoat?! This is outrage! [pounds his desk]\nScene Description: A cow pasture. Cows go about grazing, minding their own business, when the Japanese return to the U.S., only now they're killing cows.\nThe Japanese: Fuck you cows!\nScene Description: A chicken coop. The Japanese converge on it and kill the chickens inside.\nThe Japanese: Teikara chickens!\nRandy: [watches all this with Stan] Great job, son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A pond in a meadow. A hummingbird flits from flower to flower, then flies off as the camera zooms out to reveal the four boys there. Stan is fishing on one rock, Kenny is resting on another reading a magazine, Kyle stands near the water's edge, Cartman is sitting behind him on a third rock.\nCartman: Isn't this great, you guys? Gettin' away from it all, leaving all our cares behind?\nStan: Yeah, and they said the weather's gonna be nice like this all day.\nKyle: This... is exactly what I needed.\nKenny: (Meee toooo.) [a second later and the roar of motorcycles is heard, making the boys jump up startled. They look around]\nStan: Aww! Not those guys again! [the boys leave the pond and head over to the source of the noise - a group of bikers idling at at intersection for no other reason than to revel in the sound of their own bikes' motors]\nCartman: God damn it, why is it every time we try to have a relaxing day a bunch of assholes on their Harley motorcycles show up?! [the bikers just cheer each other on, but the motors drown them out]\nStan: God! Shut up!\nCartman: Piss off, you stupid assholes! [the bikers ride off]\nScene Description: A restaurant. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are dining al fresco.\nRandy: Isn't this great food?\nGerald: You're so right about this place. It's wonderful.\nRandy: You know what's really interesting is that- [the bikers roar in and stop at a crosswalk at one end of the restaurant, which is called Café Monet, and rev their motors. After a few seconds they ride away] ...what's really interesting is that this place has a new owner, and they-\nScene Description: An outdoor wedding. Father Maxi presides.\nFather Maxi: On this gorgeous day we bring these two together for the most important ta- [the bikers roar in and slow down. The guests and the bride glare at the bikers as they roll slowly by]\nLead Biker: Everybody's checking us out.\nBiker 2: Yeah, they think we're pretty cool.\nScene Description: A diner. People go about their conversations. Among them, the bikers.\nLead Biker: Hooo! We were definitely turnin' some heads out there.\nBiker 3: Yeah!\nBiker 2: I was pullin' back on that throttle, and everybody was like, \"What is that?\"\nBiker 4: Fer sure!\nBiker 3: Yeah.\nBiker 5: Hey- hey, nobody here is really paying attention to us.\nLead Biker: That's weird. [clears his throat and starts imitating a motorcycle engine. The other bikers follow suit, and a few of the patrons look at them] Oh yeah, that's better.\nScene Description: The diner's men's room. A biker approaches a urinal, unzips, and gets to work. He looks left, then he looks right, then he clears his throat and revs up with his voice until the patron at right looks at him. He turns to his left and does the same to the patron at left. That patron looks at him. Once he's sure both men are looking at him, he faces forward and finishes urinating.\nScene Description: The diner, outside. Its name is Ronny's Diner. The bikers stream out of there and get on their bikes.\nLead Biker: All right let's head out. [the others agree and begin to rev their voices as they board their bikes.]\nCartman: [walking into view] Excuse me. Excuse me! Hey assholes! [the bikers quiet down, turn off their motors, and look at him] You guys know that everyone thinks you're total fags, right?\nLead Biker: ...What did you say?\nCartman: You know, when people like you drive down the street with your unnecessarily loud motorcycles thinking you're all cool. Everyone is actually laughing at you and calling you pathetic faggots. You do realize this, right?\nBiker 6: ...Hey man, we roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!\nBiker 2: Yeah! [the bikers rev their voices again]\nCartman: No no, no, nobody is intimidated, actually. Everyone realizes that people who are so needy for attention they need to dress up and be as loud as possible are you guys and sixteen-year-old girls! Just wanted to let you know, you're fuckin' fags. [proceeds to walk past the line of bikes]\nBiker 7: Thah- that little boy just called us fags.\nBiker 2: Like he didn't think we were cool.\nBiker 6: But he's wrong. People don't think we're fags, do they?\nLead Biker: 'Course he's wrong! And anyway, nobody except that little freak would ever say something like it to our faces!\nOther Bikers: Yeah! Let's ride! [they rev up their voices and their motors] Let's go! Rev 'em up! [they ride off]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, Ike's room, day. Ike is playing with a toy xylophone when the bikers go down his street. He puts the xylophone sticks to his ears to block out the noise, but that doesn't work. He goes to his window, lifts it up and yells.\nIke: Fags! [then closes his window]\nBiker 2: Did that kid just call us-?\nLead Biker: Ju-just ignore him! [as they ride, a car pulls up in front of them. Two kids in the back seat turn and make gestures to them. One of the boys makes a sign, then turns it around. Both kids hold it up. It says \"FAGS.\" One of them mouths the word and the boys laugh.] God damn it, this is fucked up!\nBiker 8: What's wrong with kids today? [revs his voice a little]\nScene Description: The desert. The lead biker is pretty bummed at the treatment the bikers have been getting.\nBiker 4: It doesn't make any sense. They all called us fags.\nBiker 6: How can they call us fags? I mean, listen to this? [revs his motor up]\nLead Biker: I know, I know! Look, guys, I think I know what the problem is here.\nBiker 3: Really? You do?\nBiker 9: Whatwhat?\nLead Biker: Yeah, think about it, guys. You see all the things kids have today? I mean, with their Xboxes and surround-sound entertainment systems, kids today are surrounded by big loud stuff all the time!\nBiker 10: Hey, that's right.\nLead Biker: That's all it is, guys. We just need to get a little louder, that's all. [revs up his voice and his bike, and the others follow suit.]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball.\nKyle: Broflovski looks for Kenny to get clear for the pass.\nCartman: But Cartman isn't letting up on him. [the bikers roll by and the boys stop playing]\nKyle: Oh, what the hell?! [the bikers roll by with a variety of musical instruments, a siren, and a rooster attached to their bikes, all of them making noise.]\nBiker 6: Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Chicken spears! ...Chicken spears! Chicken spears!\nStan: God damn it God damn it!\nLead Biker: Oh yeah, now we're turnin' some heads! [blows into one of the two horns on his handlebars]\nBiker 2: Let's see 'em call us fags now!\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. The boys present in the living room are the four boys, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters.\nStan: All right, thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, the Harley problem seems to be getting worse, and nobody is willing to do anything about it.\nKyle: Yes.\nCartman: Agreed.\nJimmy: I have had it with those loud, annoying, f-f-f f-faggots.\nStan: Now, we have some ideas, and we'd love to hear your ideas, and I think together we can- [the bikers roll by on Stan's street, then Stan sighs when they're gone] ...and I think that together we can come up with a way to get rid of these fags once and for all.\nKyle: Sounds good.\nJimmy: Okay good, yeah.\nCartman: Ni-nice, okay.\nButters: What are you guys talkin' about? Harleys are neato!\nCartman: What?\nButters: I always thought, someday when I grow up I'm gonna get a Harley. Then people will have to notice me, and they'll have to deal with my shit for once. The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city! Rowrrowrroowwrr! Everyone lookin' at me! \"Who's that guy? He must be a Hoo- he must be tough!\" Vromvrom, vromvrom, vrooom! I'll have my girl on the back seat holdin' on to my fat belly - sure she's missin' a few teeth, but she thinks I'm coool. That's why, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Harley rider!\nStan: ...That makes perfect sense, Butters.\nButters: It does?\nStan: Yes, now get out of here.\nButters: Okay. [walks out]\nStan: Alright, Kyle and I are gonna spray paint messages to the Harley riders; Cartman, you said you had an idea?\nCartman: I think what I'm gonna do is uh, find out wherever their bikes are and uh, crap on their seats.\nStan: [taking notes] Oh that's good.\nCartman: [taking notes] Yeah, I think that'll be nice.\nStan: But that's a lot of seats? How are you going to pull that off?\nCartman: I think I just need uh two, maybe three buckets of KFC, extra crispy, probably ...four cartons of gravy.\nStan: Clyde, can you take care of getting KFC for Cartman? Kyle and I will get the spray paint cans. If we do this right, we'll be doing the town a huge favor, so let's get to it!\nAll: Yeah!\nScene Description: Ronny's diner, next morning. The bikers stream out of there and to their bikes.\nLead Biker: Now that was a good breakfast.\nBiker 6: I'm full. [the bikers all rev their voices again and stand by their bikes...]\nLead Biker: [sniffs] You guys smell that? Smells like that new famous bowl at KFC.\nBiker 6: Ohh, OHHH! SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT ON MY FUCKIN' HARLEY!!!\nBiker 3: What?\nBiker 2: Awwww, me too! I got shit all over my pants now! [another biker throws up on his Harley]\nBiker 7: There's little flags stuck in the shit!\nLead Biker: [picks the flag off his Harley and reads it] \"You're fags.\"\nBiker 11: You've gotta be kidding me!\nLead Biker: Come on, we'll find the bastards who did this! [the bikers wipe the crap off their bikes, rev their voices and their bikes, hop on, and ride off. They stop at an intersection and look up at a billboard. It's a Harley-Davidson billboard, and on it is spray-painted \"FAGS GET OUT.\" They cross the intersection and continue down the road, stopping again when three buildings next to each other have the same message spray-painted on them.]\nBiker 12: This can't be happening. [they continue riding]\nScene Description: An alley. The boys reflect on their work.\nStan: Really nice work, guys.\nKyle: Yeah. I think maybe everything is gonna be okay now.\nScene Description: A sidewalk nearby. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave walk down the sidewalk hand in hand.\nBig Gay Al: And so I said to the guy, \"you really think I'm paying that much?\"\nMr. Slave: Heheh, oh Jesus Christ. [both men stop and gasp at what they see: the same three buildings the bikers just passed, and the message spray-painted on it] Oh my God.\nBig Gay Al: I thought we were past this.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary School gym. The mayor and city officials as well as Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey address the student body.\nMayor McDaniels: Students, I am here because of a very serious matter. This morning it was discovered that in several places all over town, somebody had spray-painted the words, \"Fags get out.\" Many witnesses reported seeing children with spray paint. Now, if anybody knows anything about the kids who did this, you must come forward-\nCartman: That was us!\nMayor McDaniels: ...'Scuse me?\nStan: Yeah, we did that!\nKyle, Kenny: Yeah!\nMayor McDaniels: ...Why would you write something like that and be proud of it?!\nKyle: W-well, 'cause we want all of those fags to get out of our town.\nCartman: Yeah, everyone hates those fags, right?\nOther Kids: Yeah, uh huh, I do, yep. [the students begin to murmur]\nMr. Mackey: Now just what the heck is going on here?! This is not what we have taught you in this school! Kyle and Stan, you've always been tolerant of gay people!\nStan: Gay people?\nKyle: We aren't talking about gay people.\nMr. Mackey: You just admitted to spray-painting that they should get out of town!\nStan: Dude, why would we want gay people to get out of town?\nCartman: Oh, they think we meant gay fags.\nKyle: Oh. Hey, that's not very nice, Mayor. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he's a fag.\nMayor McDaniels: What?! You four boys, in my office, NOW!\nStan: Aw crap!\nScene Description: South Park Public Library, day. A row of motorcycles is at the front door.\nLead Biker: Faggot, often shortened to fag, has been used in the English language since the late sixteenth century. Its original meaning was \"an old or unpleasant woman\".\nBiker 2: That certainly don't apply to us.\nLead Biker: Faggot later was defined as a bundle of sticks. And in the nineteenth century, a faggot gatherer was someone who made a meager living gathering firewood.\nBiker 6: Well they certainly ain't calling us fags 'cause we gather sticks; there's got to be more! [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them. The bikers tone down their revving.]\nBiker 2: What's that part say there?\nLead Biker: Later, the term \"fag\" was defined as any awkward bundle to be carried, and was often used as an insult to the elderly, as in calling them \"baggage\".\nBiker 2: Fag was used as an insult to women, then poor people, then old people?\nLead Biker: In the early 1900s the word became a pe-jo-ra-tive term against homosexuals and transgender people in the United States.\nBiker 10: Well that word just keeps changing its meaning. What's it got to do with us? [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them again. The bikers tone down their revving.]\nScene Description: A courtroom. A panel of judges is interrogating the four boys.\nJudge 1: We are really trying to understand this. How is it that you boys think referring to gay people as fags in today's world is acceptable?\nKyle: [exasperated] Because we're not referring to gay people! You can be gay and not be a fag.\nStan: Yeah, a lot of fags aren't gay.\nJudge 2: I happen to be gay, boys. Do you think I'm a fag?\nStan: Do you ride a big loud Harley and go up and down the streets, ruining everyone's nice time?\nJudge 2: No.\nStan: Then you're not a fag.\nJudge 1: So what if a guy is gay and rides a Harley?\nCartman: Then he's a gay fag. I mean, is this really this hard?\nStan: I don't know.\nKenny: (This is fucking ridiculous.)\nStan: All right, look, you're driving in your car, okay? And you're waiting to make a left at a traffic signal. The light turns yellow, should be your turn to go, but the traffic coming at you just keeps coming. And even when the light turns red, a guy in a BMW runs the red light so you can't make your left turn. What goes through your mind?\nJudge 3: \"Fag.\"\nStan: Right. But you're not thinkin' \"Oh, he's a homosexual,\" you're thinkin' \"Oh, he's an inconsiderate douchebag like a Harley rider.\"\nJudge 1: This, this is, making insanely good sense to me.\nJudge 4: Alright, how about this: What would you call a straight man who doesn't own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?\nCartman: You call them \"bike-curious\".\nJudge 1: \"Bike-cu-\"\nStan: \"Bike-curious\"! Don't you people keep up with today's lingo at all?!\nKenny: [puts his head in his hands out of frustration] (Jesus fucking Christ!)\nScene Description: The South Park Community Center, evening. Big Gay Al is holding a meeting there.\nBig Gay Al: Fellow homosexuals, I believe we have an opportunity here to take a big step forward for our kind. We must acknowledge that the words \"fag\" and \"faggot\" are never going to disappear. They're simply too much fun for everyone to say. But we must realize that we are no longer the most hated people on the planet, and help the children change the meaning of the word to describe those annoying loud faggot Harley riders!\nMr. Slave: [clapping] Hear hear!\nBig Gay Al: We should all be tolerant, but not with these fucking people! They really are faggots!\nMr. Slave: Yes Jesus yes!\nScene Description: Channel Four News.\nAnnouncer: This is Channel 4 Evening News.\nNews Anchor: A new movement in South Park is bringing to question the word \"fag\". Gay groups are pointing out that the word no longer means to kids today what it meant just a few years ago.\nField Reporter: And what is your name, little boy?\nMartin: Martin.\nField Reporter: Alright Martin, can you do me a favor? Could you point to the \"fag\" for me? [shows him a poster with two pictures on it - one of a biker, the other of of a man dressed in women's swimwear. The boy is unsure what to do] Just point to which one is the fag. [Martin finally steps up and points to the biker. The next clip is of the reporter asking a baby] All right now could you just point to the fag for me, little girl? Which one is a faggot? [holds up another poster with two different pictures on it - one of a biker, another of Liberace. The baby starts to lean to one side, and her mom moves her in that direction until the baby points to the biker.]\nNews Anchor: [shown are the Mayor and her aides, and Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave] Sparked by this realization and persuaded by a gay advocate group, the Mayor signed a new city ordinance today making the word \"fag\" officially refer to annoying inconsiderate Harley riders. [next she's shown in front of City Hall with an aide and the four boys]\nField Reporter: [interviewing the bikers] How do you fags feel about the new city ordinance?\nLead Biker: What did you say?\nField Reporter: Just asking you if you feel okay or displeased about the ordinance, fag.\nLead Biker: Hey you know what? If you call me fag in my face one more time, you'd better-\nField Reporter: I already did it twice.\nLead Biker: Well I think that- I think that you uh, you probably won't say it again.\nField Reporter: I bet I do.\nLead Biker: Well okay, I-\nField Reporter: Fag. [the lead biker throws a punch, knocking the reporter down and cutting off the video feed]\nNews Anchor: [Randy is shown watering his lawn] As more people in South Park adapt to the new meaning... [the bikers roll down Randy's street. He turns to see them]\nRandy: Fags! [turns back to water his lawn. The bikers look at him and move on. Next, Father Maxi is shown holding a sign in front of his church: \"GOD HATES FAGS\" as the bikers pass by]\nNews Anchor: ...more and more Harley riders are deciding to ride elsewhere.\nScene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball again. Kenny takes a shot.\nCartman: Oh yeah, nice, Kenny. [Kenny gets the ball and throws it to Stan, who dribbles it a bit and gets ready to shoot]\nStan: Isn't this awesome, you guys? I haven't seen a Harley for like three days.\nKyle: I know. It's like we have the outdoors back again.\nMayor McDaniels: [runs up to the boys] You four turd balls in my office NOW!\nStan: Aw crap! [drops the basketball]\nScene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's office, day.\nMayor McDaniels: You have got me in a lot of trouble! [turns on the TV]\nAnother Mayor: The fact of the matter is that \"fag\" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals, and so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere whether you mean it differently or not! The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world!\nMayor McDaniels: She's gaining support all over the country. I should have never listened to you!\nKyle: We're sorry, Mayor.\nMayor McDaniels: Oh, that's nice! You made our entire town look like gay-bashing redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!\nStan: We can fix this!\nMayor McDaniels: HOW?!\nStan: That, that lady said it's because fag still means homosexual in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.\nCartman: Hey, hey yeah. Then people would be free to call Harley riders fags all over the country.\nScene Description: The desert, day. The bikers are gathered there again revving their voices and their motorcycles.\nLead Biker: Now I don't know about you, but I think this town is starting a trend. And if we let them officially change the meaning of \"fag\" from gay people to us, then soon every town might. [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] If we don't do anything, we can end up trying to fight e- [one biker continues to rev up his voice and bike] If we don't do anything, we c-... Hey Bartlett. Bartlett! [stands in front of him] I'm trying to talk, you fag! [Bartlett is stunned, as are the other bikers] Aw, see? Now they got us doin' it to ourselves! We gotta put a stop to this now! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] We're going to ride into that town and kick some fuckin' ass! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes]\nScene Description: City Hall, day. A stage has been set up. The four boys sit on the left side of the stage and the city seal takes up the center. People are taking pictures, an orchestra plays grandstand music leading into \"Pomp and Circumstance\". A banner over the stage reads: Welcome Dictionary Officiates.\nField Reporter: Excitement is in the air as the citizens of South Park amass to see if the word \"fag\" will officially be changed in the English dictionary. Four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, \"fag\" will officially refer to Harley riders nationwide.\nBig Gay Al: You can do it, boys! We believe in you!\nField Reporter: And Tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived. [three officials walk up the red carpet, one of them holding the dictionary on its own pillow.] Entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and of course, the dictionary's head editor, Mr. Emmanuel Lewis. [shown in a gown following the three men]\nCartman: Emmanuel Lewis, huh?\nStan: Ohh, it all makes sense now. [the four men walk onto the right side of the stage. The crowd cheers and claps]\nEmmanuel Lewis: To change... [the crowd falls silent] the definition of a word... is no trifling thing. I expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word \"fag\" to be both discerning and undisputable.\nBig Gay Al: Come on boys, you can do it! [motorcycle engines are heard. A horde of bikers roars towards City Hall. Randy gets up and sounds the alarm]\nRandy: Look out, it's a bunch of pissed-off faggots! [everyone scatters as the bikers arrive and tear everything up. One of them throws a bottle bomb at a store, breaking a window and setting it on fire. A family nearby escapes injury. Three bikers ram their motorcycles into the stage]\nStan: There's fags everywhere!\nKyle: We gotta run! [the boys leave the stage quickly. A biker throws his chain towards the stage, catching Emmanuel Lewis by the right ankle and pulling him off the stage and down the street.]\nEmmanuel Lewis: WAAAH! What nefariousness is this?! Ogh! You obdurate beast! [as the town falls into chaos, the boys run into an alley, but find that it has a dead end. The bikers gather at the alley's entrance and the lead biker walks up to the boys. The other bikers get off their Harleys and follow]\nLead Biker: [stops] Well well. Now, do you think we're fags?\nStan: [backing up as far as he can] Yes. Yes, sir, you are total fags. [the other boys do as well]\nKyle: Yeah. You definitely made your point.\nBiker 13: No! We rolled in, kicked ass, and took shit over! Is that what a fag does?!\nStan: Yeah yeah, that's totally what a fag does.\nLead Biker: No, you're supposed to think we're not fags now!\nStan: But then why are you acting like such fags? I don't understand.\nKyle: I don't either.\nButters: [voice only] That's because you guys never understood! [walks through the crowd of bikers and past the lead biker] You fellers never got what these people are really about! Freedom! Rebellion against the system! A living image of independence! Solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an All-American icon of resilient individuality and freedom.\nBiker 14: Who is this little fag?\nButters: I'm not a fag yet, sirruh but a but I am bike-c-curious.\nBiker 15: That's it, let's kill them all!\nCartman: No! That'll just make you bigger fags!\nBig Gay Al: [voice only] No one is killing anyone! [a sound of guns being cocked. The bikers turn to see who's at the alley entrance - Big Gay Al and his gay support group. One group member holds a sign - \"GAYS AGAINST FAGS\"] We've had enough! You faggots get the hell out of our town!\nLead Biker: [seeing no choice but to accept the word] All right everyone, all right. We are fags. Yeah, we're fags. We're total fags. And you know what? We like it.\nBiker 2: Yeah, we like being fags.\nLead Biker: So go ahead, America. Whenever you pass by Harley riders like us, roll down your window, and yell \"Faggots!\" All you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us, and say \"Hello, fags.\" No, really, we want you to. At least we're cool enough to embrace who we are. Right guys?\nBikers: That's right. You got it. Yeah. [more of this, followed by revving voices and motors]\nBiker 6: Come on, fags, let's roll out! [the bikers ride away. Emmanuel Lewis limps back onto the stage]\nStan: ...And that, Mister Editor, is why they are the true definition of fags.\nEmmanuel Lewis: Let there be no perplexity: those individuals are the legitimate faggots. The definition shall be replaced. [everyone in town, even the homosexuals, cheer this change]\nStan: We did it! Yeah!\nKyle: Yeah! We did it, you guys! [he and Stan hug]\nCartman: Oh it's over, it's finally over! [he and Kenny do a shoulder embrace. Stan walks up to the camera]\nStan: Today, we've made history.\nScene Description: Fag (făg) n. 1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders. 2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, start of the school day. The chimes play as the fourth grader class pays attention. The following is all voice-over:\nGordon Stoltski: Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements, Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. [Kindergarten class is shown, with a female teacher] Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. [Fourth grade class is shown again.] Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for glee club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a- [a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on?\nIntruder: I'll killl you! [the class pays closer attention] I swear to God I'll kill you!\nGordon Stoltski: Who are you?!\nIntruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!\nGordon Stoltski: Hey! He's got a gun!\nIntruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!\nGordon Stoltski: Sir, please, I don't know you.\nIntruder: Yeah, right!\nMan: All right, what the hell is going on around here? You sir need to leave this area- [two gun shots are heard and the man is heard falling with a thud]\nGordon Stoltski: Oh God, he shot him!\nIntruder: Ya had to push me, didn't ya?! NOW YOU!\nGordon Stoltski: HAAAAAAAAAA! Sir, I truly don't know- [Gunshot] th-AAAAA! AAAA!\nIntruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!\nGordon Stoltski: [shrieking] Please, I don't know you! Uughuh!\nIntruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!\nGordon Stoltski: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!\nIntruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements!\nGordon Stoltski: SOMEBODY HELP ME!\nIntruder: I SAID DO IT! [smack]\nGordon Stoltski: AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAA! Any, any interested students should fill out an applicant survey- [smack] WAA! WAAAAAAAAAA!\nIntruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!\nGordon Stoltski: No please! I'm so scared! [more softly] I'm so scared!\nIntruder: DO IT!\nGordon Stoltski: [freakout] Please! I'll duh, I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice gets muffled] I got my mouth on the ba- [the gun goes off and Gordon falls on the floor]\nIntruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. [shoots himself]\nScene Description: His memorial service in the school gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey presides over it.\nMr. Mackey: We will always remember the way that Gordon bravely read the announcements every morning, led us in the Pledge of Allegiance, m'kay, and touched many kids' lives here at the school. And even though we now know the shooter had him confused with a forty-year-old truck driver who happened to have a similar name, I know this has been ...pretty traumatizing, m'kay. But now we must decide who will pick up where little Gordon left off. Who will take his place reading the morning announcements? It's a big responsibility, because it will be your voice the entire school listens to, m'kay? And although Gordon Stoltski can never be replaced, m'kay, there must be a student out there who has the drive and the passion to... have his or her voice heard every morning.\nCartman: Oh. My. Goodddd.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. A sign on the door reads \"Morning Announcement Tryouts\" Cartman and another kid wait on chairs next to the door.\nCartman: Soo, you're uuh, trying out to be the morning announcement person as well?\nMike: Yeah, I think it would be really fu-fu-fu-fun, and ru-ru-ru-rurrraise my self es-es-esesesteem.\nMr. Mackey: [cracks the door open and looks out] Oh, this is it, huh? Okay, uhhh Mike, why don't we have you try out first, ituh m'kay. [Mike gets off the chair and enters the office.]\nCartman: [cackles] He stutters like a bitch! I've got this job in the bag! [another boy walks up and sits in the chair to Cartman's right. Cartman notices immediately: the boy is well-dressed] Who are you?\nCasey Miller: My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. [Cartman is awed] Ever since I can remember people have told me I should read their morning announcements. My friends always said to me, \"Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?\" Well, here I am, and hopefully I'll be the kid with the job. [Cartman is mad now and gives him a hard look]\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, really nice, Mike, uh, maybe next time you can get past the first word. Oh, Casey Miller, good, you're trying out too?\nCasey: I'm tryin' out and dryin' out in the sultry summer sun that is my voice.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. Eric, you wanna go next? [Cartman gets off his chair and walks into the office, keeping his eyes on Casey until the door closes]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, inside. Mr. Mackey and Cartman sit on two chairs opposite each other.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay Eric, I'm just gonna have you read this piece of paper.\nCartman: Mr. Mackey, what's a moronic jizzrag?\nMr. Mackey: What? What on earth are you askin' me that for?!\nCartman: Well it's just that... that's what that Casey kid said about your hairpiece? [Mr. Mackey opens his office door to yell at Casey]\nMr. Mackey: Get lost, you little dirtball!\nCasey: Excuse me?\nMr. Mackey: I said take a hike!\nCasey: I don't understand... what I did wrong.\nMr. Mackey: Beat it, you're not gettin' the job! [Casey gets off his chair and walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The fourth grade class is shown as the intercom comes on.\nCartman: Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. And I, am Eric Cartman. All forms for the school book drive must be handed in to Mr. Davis in the library by the end of the school day today. Hm, doesn't seem like they gave us a lot of notice on that, uh, 'kay. Oh well. [reads the next announcement] For lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving a selection of cold sandwiches. Cold sandwiches. Oh well, thank you so much! Remember when we used to be served hot food? I mean, what has happened to our school? This school is transforming into something very bad, and why? Because we have leadership that doesn't care! I'm talking of course about our student body president, Wendy Testaburger! [Wendy's mouth drops open] Ever since Wendy was elected student body president, this school has started a rapid decline towards some socialist regime where students no longer have a voice! The music room will be closed off today due to painting. All students in band and choir will meet in the gymnasium instead. Oh oh, so now, so now the school is using money to paint the music room. How old and outdated is our playground equipment? What other school has a fifteen-year-old merry-go-round on it? Our school president is turning this whole place into Communist Russia! [Clyde has gone to sleep, half the class is getting sleepy, Stan buries his head in his arms] It's not a coincidence that once Wendy took office this school started coming apart at the seams! Your teachers don't wanna tell you, but they are scared, and they should be, because the very fabric of this elementary school is tearing from all corners.\nButters: Oh jeez!\nCartman: But hey, I'm just a normal kid, like you, except that I ask questions. And because I'm brave enough to ask questions, I come under scrutinies. Is Wendy using your lunch money to buy heroin? Probably not, but how can we know? I don't want my lunch money going to drugs! Who's taking these drugs? What would be the point? I'm asking questions!\nKyle: Will somebody shut him up?\nScene Description: The principal's office, after the announcements. Cartman walks into the office. Mr. Mackey stands to Principal Victoria's left.\nCartman: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?\nPrincipal Victoria: The job is to read what is written on the paper, Eric, not to embellish the way you do.\nCartman: Oohhhh I get it. You're trying to silence me! You're scared that somebody is standing up to this school and its president for once!\nPrincipal Victoria: No, it's just that the announcements need to be quick so the students can get on with their work.\nCartman: Oh really?! Then how come Gordon Stoltski got to go on for like five minutes that one day?!\nMr. Mackey: Well, because he was being murdered.\nCartman: You just want somebody to read what's in front of them like a brain-washed zombie, is that it Mr. Mackey? I am not Gordon Stoltski, okay?! I'm not some dog on a leash that just blindly says what he's told, until he's killed!\nPrincipal Victoria: All we ask is you keep it shorter.\nCartman: Oh I will! And maybe I'll also have a word with the ACLU, tell them that a student is being told not to speak out against his school! I'm sure they'll find that very interesting!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Cartman is back at the announcement desk. He's smiling, and clears his throat. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and two school district officials look on.\nCartman: Well. Goood morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Tryouts for the soccer team are on Friday afternoon. That is of course if our student body president does something about our abysmal soccer field. [The first or second grade class is shown] I have a question. What does Wendy Testaburger actually do? She is supposed to be the president, right? What is her agenda? She's lying to everyone? Or is she? Let's ask these questions. [next day] Today I wanna talk briefly about the state of our school's economy. The bake sale last week was a complete failure. And in the school- [next day] And besides that, who actually voted for Wendy Testaburger? I know I didn't. And everyone who did is now scratching their heads and goin' \"Whoops. Guess I shouldn't have done that.\" [next day] I'm not in the student council, I'm just a normal kid like all of you. And like all of you, I want to know what has happened... to my school.\nScene Description: Cartman leads the school in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.\nThird Graders: I pledge allegiance to the fag -\nCartman: - of the United States of America. OUR United States, not the one Wendy Testaburger would have, a socialist dunghole -\nKindergartners: - a socialist dunghole...\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Cartman is back at the announcement desk.\nCartman: Good morning students. These are the morning announcements. If you'll direct your attention to the new video monitors at the head of your class, [The lights go down and a monitor is shown above Mr. Garrison's desk] you will see that the announcements are now being done in video.\nKyle: Oh God, no! [Cartman has made his own graphic introduction full of poses]\nCartman: Lunch today is going to be pizza. Again. [exhales forcefully] Friends, our school is dying and you know it. You feel it. You're like, you're like me; you wanna change it. But ohhh no, Wendy Testaburger's not gonna let that happen! This is not the school we grew up in, and ...and I don't know if we can get it back. [leaves his desk and walks over to a mobile blackboard] So let's take a look at exactly what our school president wants. You know, what is she trying to achieve? Let's just take a look at these Keywords here: Wendy's made it clear she wants our school to be a more Integrated Leftist and Liberal place! But you see what then happens, what we get is a Socialist, Modern, Utopian, Reformed, Farce of a School. So when you look closely it becomes very obvious what Wendy wants. K I L L S M U R F S. Our school president ...wants to kill Smurfs.\nIke: [upset to the fact] NOOO!\nCartman: I don't know if we're turning into a Smurf-hating school or what we're turning into, but unless you ask why [writes Y on the board], we're gonna transform into something.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, school hallway, day. Wendy is at her locker when Butters approaches with a group of friends. We'll call them Melvins, after the group he formed with Dougie and Pip back in Season 3.\nButters: Hey Wendy! Wendy! Is it true?\nWendy: Is what true?\nButters: That you hate Smurfs?\nWendy: I don't have time for this.\nButters: Hey now! Me and us fellers were just asking questions!\nMelvins: Yeah, that's right. We can ask. [Casey is among them]\nWendy: Try to understand this: all I do is try to help run student council. I don't give a crap about Smurfs!\nButters: [gasps and points] It is true!\nMelvin 1: Oh my God!\nMelvin 2: Yeah, bemememe!\nMelvin 3: Oh my God!\nWendy: Maybe you guys should check into what student council actually does, before you just blindly listen to what some idiot with a microphone tells you! [storms off]\nButters: What did the Smurfs ever do to you! Ya bitch! I just called the president a bitch.\nCasey: Hyeah.\nMelvin 1: That was cool.\nMelvin 4: Awesome.\nMelvin 2: Yeah, that was cool.\nMelvin 3: Yeah, great job.\nScene Description: The cafeteria entrance, day. To one side is a huge poster on the wall and a smaller sign near a desk at which sits Cartman signing copies of his new book, \"What Happened To My School?\"\nCartman: \"Thank you\" and this is to..?\nDouglas: Douglas.\nCartman: [signs a copy] \"To Douglas.\" There you go. [gives it to him] Book signing today everyone, be sure to pick up your copy.\nButters: Hey Eric!\nCartman: Well hello. Another person who [looks to his right and tries to get the other kids' attention as they stream into the cafeteria] cares about the future of our school.\nButters: Oh you bet! I love all the stuff you said about how our school president never does anything, and how she's changing everything.\nCartman: Yes, well now you can read about all those things I've said, Butters. Take this copy of my book.\nButters: Cool, thanks.\nCartman: That'll be five dollars.\nButters: [a bit disappointed] Oh, okay. [hands him a five-dollar bill]\nStan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!\nCartman: A book signing.\nStan: I looked through your stupid book! It's five hundred and forty pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!\nCartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!\nStan: \"Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end\".\nCartman: [leans over the table and points somethoug out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.\nStan: \"Or does she?\"\nCartman: \"Or does she?\" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!\nButters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!\nScene Description: Some younger boys are reading the book.\nBoy 1: \"Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?\" [the other boys react to that passage]\nStan: Hey hey, stop reading that!\nBoy 1: Wull what do you mean?\nStan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book, doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!\nBoy 2: Yes it does!\nCasey: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller. [Stan turns and walks away. He sees Wendy at her locker and approaches her.]\nStan: Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?\nWendy: I really don't care, Stan.\nStan: Well don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.\nWendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself! [takes up her backpack and storms off]\nScene Description: The principal's office, after the announcements. Cartman walks into the office. Mr. Mackey stands to Principal Victoria's left.\nCartman: You wanted to see me again, Principal Victoria?\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, we've been informed by a concerned student that you are writing naughty books about one of the girls here at the school.\nCartman: Oh, Wendy came and told on me?! So what? Because she's president she can't be written about?\nMr. Mackey: Eric, apparently you wrote that Wendy's private parts are big enough to fly an airplane through, m'kay?\nCartman: And what if they are?! You'll stop me from asking just because Wendy forces you to?!\nMr. Mackey: Eric, the student body president really doesn't have the kind of power that you-\nCartman: Just enough power to force you to stop me from selling my book! Face it, you're a lackey, Mackey!\nPrincipal Victoria: [stands up] Eric, I've had enough! You cannot and you will not sell your books on school grounds! Do I make myself clear?!\nCartman: Clear as summer rain! Clear as a flavorless bottle of vitamin water! This school has finally transformed to the socialist whoreland where a student isn't free! Well I'm not gonna be a part of it, do you understand?! I'm leaving this... hypocritical Communist school! I'm walking out and I'm never coming back! [turns and storms out of the office.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. The students are entering the school. Later...\nAnnouncer: [an adult male] Live, from the principal's office, these are the morning announcements. Here, is Eric Cartman.\nCartman: Yesterday, as most of you know, I walked out on this program, and on our school. I was so... fed up with our president's hypocrisies, me not being allowed to sell my book. I wanted to live in a place where my values were still upheld. And so I decided to leave it all behind and instead just go and live with the Smurfs. [an animated sequence begins. Smurf Village is shown] I simply observed the gentle Smurfs at first. I wanted to understand how they could live such simple and decent lives. They were wary of me in the beginning, but slowly I began to earn their trust. [one day he steps up, and they gather round him] It wasn't long before the gentle Smurfs accepted me as one of their own. [they bring him a cap big enough to fit his head, he puts it on and grins. The camera pans up and the title of his animation appears: Dances with Smurfs]\nButters: Whoa... [this time Kyle is the one who has his head in his arms]\nCartman: The smurfs and I grew to understand each other. [Cartman is now dressed as a Smurf, but only his face is painted blue. He's harvesting berries with the Smurfs] They shared with me their art of picking Smurfberries, and I shared with them stories of my country's forefathers. Of course, it wasn't long before ...I fell in love with Smurfette. [He and the diminutive Smurfette sit on a log watching the sun set] We're from two different worlds and yet we spoke the common language of passion.\nKyle: \"These, are the morning announcements.\" [Butters shushes him and he buries his face in his arms again.]\nCartman: Papa Smurf was displeased at first, [Cartman tries to catch up to Smurfette as her father takes her into their mushroom house] He told Smurfette I wasn't a real Smurf and we could never be happy. But I eventually proved myself to Papa Smurf by picking more Smurfberries than any Smurf had ever Smurfed before. Finally, all was right with the world. But then, a crisis. Clumsy Smurf burst into the Smurf ceremony to say that humans had come to destroy all of Smurfland.\nCartman Smurf: No! No, you must leave the noble Smurfs alone! Who's behind all this?! [gasps at the sight of lots of bulldozers ready to raze Smurfland, and at their forewoman] I should have known. Wendy!\nHuman Wendy: [just Cartman dressed as Wendy] Out of my way! [this Wendy has padding to make her appear to have breasts]\nCartman Smurf: Wendy, what are you doing here?!\nHuman Wendy: Smurfberries are worth a lot of money. With all those Smurfberries I can power the school for the entire year.\nCartman Smurf: Wendy, I know you're president of our school, but you can't just dig up the Smurfs' land!\nHuman Wendy: Fuck the Smurfs! They can suck my fat tits! [she climbs onto one of the bulldozers, Cartman stands in front of it]\nCartman Smurf: How many Smurfberries is enough, Wendy?!\nHuman Wendy: You can suck my fat tits too! [steps on the gas and the bulldozer begins to move. She rolls over the land, mowing down trees, mushroom houses, and smurfs, killing them by the tens. Blood and guts splatter everywhere]\nCartman Smurf: Smurfette noooo!\nHuman Wendy: Suck mah fat tits!\nCartman: And so now our school has plenty of precious unattainable Smurfberries. Yeah well big deal. At what cost did our school president get it? Every Smurf is dead. Wiped out and we will never see them again! Go on, look outside! You won't see any Smurfs! [Butters sobs] Of course, since I'm being silenced, I'm not allowed time to show you the entire movie. And so please buy Dances with Smurfs available now on DVD. [holds up the DVD case] The question now is, What happened to morals? What happened to dignity? What happened to my schooool?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, later. Butters is pacing the ground before a group of Melvins.\nButters: That does it! Our student council is corrupt and has to be dealt with!\nA Melvin: I can no longer stand idly by.\nButters: We need to get all the kids together who wanna fight back and tell them to meet after school! We will forever remember this day, the day we finally stood up to Wendy Testaburger!\nCasey: It is time for that slutty Smurf-killing bitch to get what's comin' to 'er.\nMelvins: Yeah!\nScene Description: Butters' house, after school. He's at the back patio talking to the Melvins over a megaphone. All of them are wearing shirts Cartman had made: \"I ask questions!\" with a picture of Cartman's head underneath.\nButters: I don't know about all of you, but I have had enough! We've been sitting back and watching as our school slowly goes into the toilet! But today, we do something about it! [the Melvins cheer] So let's march right over there to Wendy's house and do what we know needs to be done! [the Melvins cheer again, and follow him out the side gate and on to Wendy's house]\nScene Description: Butters stops his posse outside Wendy's house, on the sidewalk.\nButters: Let us not forget what happens this day!\nA Melvin: Do it!\nButters: We are here, Wendy Testaburger! [walks up to her front door, drops his pants and briefs, and pees on the front door.]\nMelvin 2: Take that, school president!\nMelvin 3: Get her good!\nButters: I am.\nWendy: [opens her window] Hey, what are you doing?\nButters: The students want answerrrrs! Go on the Morning Announcements if you've got nothing to hide!\nMr. Testaburger: [opens the front door and looks down] What the hell? [Butters stops peeing and looks up]\nButters: Wah! [turns and waddles down the steps without pulling his pants up, then across the front yard] Smurfkiller! [runs down the street with the other Melvins] Answer for your crimes on the Morning Announcements!\nMr. Testaburger: Wendy, did a boy just pee on our door because the Smurfs were murdered? [Wendy plants her hands on her face, then removes them]\nWendy: It's okay Dad, I'll take care of it.\nScene Description: The Principal's office, next morning. Wendy and Cartman are on Cartman's set as his make-up people prepare him for the Announcements. One of them is Esther. They frost the lower part of his hair to give him a distinguished elderly look.\nCartman: Thank you so much for finally coming on my show, Wendy.\nWendy: Yeah, well, Butters peed on my house.\nCartman: People are riled up. Hopefully we can clear the air here this morning.\nWendy: If we could just keep it to questions about Student Council?\nCartman: Of course. That's why we're here.\nA Boy: Five seconds. [the make-up people move out as Cartman stands up]\nCartman: Don't worry, I won't go too hard on you. [sits down and gets his notes ready as the chimes come in] Good morning South Park Elementary, these are the morning announcements. Rehearsals for the school play are cancelled this afternoon. For lunch the cafeteria will be serving meat loaf or veggie pasta. My guest today is the student body president of South Park Elementary, Wendy Testaburger. Wendy, thank you for coming on the show.\nWendy: Sure.\nCartman: Wendy, I wanna start by asking a pretty straightforward question, and I hope you don't take offense to it.\nWendy: Okay.\nCartman: How many Smurfberries is the life of each Smurf worth? [Wendy doesn't answer, and Cartman studies her reaction]\nWendy: I don't, I, I have no idea what-\nCartman: You don't know how many Smurfberries the life of each Smurf is worth.\nScene Description: The Audio Video Department room. Butters and the Melvins are watching the announcements there.\nButters: Ohhh, he's got her now!\nScene Description: The Fourth Grade classroom. Kyle again has his face in his arms.\nCartman: Would you agree that the school is in a crisis right now?\nWendy: I believe there is a ...few things wrong with the school, but-\nCartman: If a Smurf dies and no one is around to hear it, does it still scream? [Wendy doesn't answer]\nScene Description: The Audio Video Department room.\nButters: She's speechless!\nCartman: You are the president of the school. Can you see why many students think you're an ineffective slut? Are you denying that the Smurf holocaust ever happened? Is that what you're suggesting?\nWendy: Look, Eric, you have to understand. The Smurfberries were our school government's only option.\nCartman: Yes, and that makes- whoa whoa what?\nWendy: What was I supposed to do? The school was running out of power. We tried relocating the Smurfs at first, but they wouldn't budge! So we decided to get somebody on the inside. A member of the school who could act like one of the Smurfs and learn their secrets. But of course you know that, don't you?\nCartman: What? What do you mean I know that?\nWendy: I'm just asking a question. We all knew you were sent in to live with the Smurfs, but did you know they would be wiped out?\nCartman: No! You wiped them all out!\nWendy: [gets off her chair and walks around a bit] Nobody expected you to fall in love with Smurfette. You went to learn from them, but instead you became one of them, right? Fought against your own kind when you knew we'd stop at nothing! Do you know that one Smurfberry can power the school for two months? One Smurfberry!\nCartman: Wait, hold on, can we take a break?\nWendy: No, it's okay! It's all out in the open now. I wouldn't have had to kill the Smurfs if they would have simply moved on. But you gave them the will to stay, and I guess... you can't be blamed for that.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom.\nStan: What?!\nScene Description: The Principal's office.\nWendy: And that is why... I'm stepping down. You were right all along, Cartman. And I am hereby making you the student body president.\nScene Description: The AV Department room.\nButters: All right! Cartman's president. We did it.\nA Melvin: I'm confused.\nScene Description: The Principal's office.\nCartman: Dude, you can't take my Dances with Smurfs idea and turn it into your own thing-\nWendy: No, you're right. The students all deserve to know the truth. And so I have answered what really happened in my new book, Going Rogue on the Smurfs.\nCartman: No! No, dude! You don't just take one person's story and then add a couple of things and call it yours!\nWendy: Luckily with the money I made selling the movie rights to my book, I'll be okay.\nCartman: You sold the movie rights to who?!\nWendy: James Cameron. Go look. The movie came out already.\nCartman: Theh- They can't do that! I'm student body president!\nScene Description: The Bijou. Playing there now is Avatar, James Cameron's latest movie. Cartman comes out of the 4:30 showing really pissed off.\nCartman: [crossing the street] Oh God damn it! Son of a bitch idea-stealing assholes! [turns around and rants at the theater] You sons of bitches! Dances with Smurfs was MY idea! MY IDEA! [gives the theater two middle fingers three times] You can't just take Dances with Smurfs and call it something else! [gives the theater two middle fingers three more times]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. The fourth graders take their seats. Cartman comes in and takes his seat, still angry.\nCartman: Huh!\nStan: Dude, what happened? You're not doing the morning announcements anymore?\nCartman: No, because it turns out that by rule, the student body president can't also be the morning announcement reader!\nKyle: Oh well, at least as president you can run the school the way you want.\nCartman: I can't do jack! I went to my first student council meeting; all we did was talk about what colors to make the stupid Sadie Hawkins dance! Student council's retarded! [the chimes come on]\nCasey: The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller and these, are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second-grade student Brian Falner. Brian writes, \"Dear Casey, why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy?\" Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake.\nCartman: I'm doin' the best I can! [begins to cry, leaves his desk, and runs out of the classroom bawling.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: On the road, day. Cartman is singing. Jimmy looks over the back of the second row of seats in the station wagon.\nCartman: We're going to the water park, The water park, the water park! We're going to the water park, Me and all my best friends, except for Kyle who I don't like! [Kyle flashes a look of anger at him]\nStan: [annoyed] Okay Cartman, you can stop singing now. [his father Randy is driving. The other boys present are Butters, Kenny, and Jimmy]\nCartman: This is gonna be sooo awesome dude. I haven't been to the water park in like, over a year.\nButters: What do you guys wanna do first? I hear they have a new inner tube slide.\nCartman: No! Dude, we gotta go to the wave pool first. It's so dope, as long as there aren't any minorities.\nJimmy: W-What are you talking about, Eric?\nCartman: You know, there's always like five or six minorities wearing their T-shirts in the wave pool, pisses me off.\nStan: We're here! It's the water park! [Randy pulls up at the front entrance and drops the boys off.]\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown. The boys gather at the entrance.\nRandy: I'm gonna pick you boys up right here at 4:00, you got it?\nCartman: Come on, let's go!\nStan: We got it, Dad.\nScene Description: The ticket booth.\nCartman: [hands the clerk some money] Six adorable children, please.\nScene Description: Inside. Cartman runs in and through the interactive fountains.\nCartman: Wave pool! Wave pool! Waaave pooool! [finally gets to the wave pool, but gets pissed off] Oh, what the hell?! [the pool is quite crowded with people of all races enjoying themselves. The other five boys catch up to Cartman]\nKyle: All right, what do you guys wanna ride first?\nStan: Well Cartman said he wanted to do the wave pool first, right Cartman?\nCartman: [with a stunned look on his face] Forget it! Just forget it! [walks off in anger. The other five are confused]\nScene Description: Pi Pi's New York Splash. The boys tackle that attraction. Cartman isn't with them.\nStan: Dude, this is awesome.\nKyle: You guys wanna see how long I can hold my breath under water?\nButters: [stops] Hey fellers, fellas hang on! I've gotta go to the bathroom. [Kenny continues across the pool without the other boys]\nKyle: Okay, go ahead. [turns back to Stan and Jimmy]\nButters: Okay, thanks. [goes to the bathroom right there, no stepping out of the pool or nothin']\nKyle: I can seriously hold my breath longer than anybody. Somebody time me, all right?\nStan: Okay.\nKyle: All right, [glances back at Butters] check it out, I- [looks back again and sees what happened.] Butters, BUTTERS! What the fuck?! Are you peeing in the pool?!\nButters: You said \"go ahead\".\nStan: Come on Kyle, let's check out the fireboats.\nKyle: No dude, Butters' pee is in there.\nStan: Aw come on, look at all this water. It doesn't matter if one person pees in it.\nButters: Yeah, come on, Kyle, I'm not the only person who's peed in the pool. Lots of people do.\nKyle: No they don't!\nStan: Yeah, they do, Kyle.\nJimmy: To be perfectly frank, I peed in the pool about tu-tu-twenty five seconds ago.\nKyle: Dude!\nStan: Come on, show us how long you can hold your breath.\nKyle: NO!\nScene Description: In another part of the park, Cartman stands alone near a gazebo as people move past him this way and that. Montage, part 1: Cartman is now in the wave pool, then he wanders around the park, then he's singing at a signpost, then he's back near the wave pool, looking at the crowd in there, then he faces the camera, then he walks back to the park entrance, then tugs at a cop's shirt only to find that the copy is a member of a minority group, then he's back at the signpost, then he's at an artificial beach looking for a place to sit, then he's in line for Pele's Revenge, then he's annoyed and lazing about in an inner tube at the Lazy River, then he's waiting to enter the Lost River of the King Tut.\nCartman: What has happened to this place? I don't recognize it anymore. It used to be so fun and special. What is life worth living for? The dream is dead, our land is gone; There's a hole in my heart and I can't go oooooon. There are too many minorities (minorities) At my water park (my water park). This was our land, our dream (our dream), and they've taken it all away. They just keep coming and coming (minorities). I tried to go and tell the police, But even the authorities Are minorities At my water park. There's no place for me to sit anymore, And the lines just keep getting crazier. There are Mexicans all around me. The lazy river has never been lazier. It's a 40 minute wait to go down one slide, And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride!\nScene Description: At the Zip Line Ride. Cartman is waiting for the car he's in to start moving.\nRide Operator: Guarden los brazos y piernas dentro del paseo-\nCartman: Just do it in English!\nScene Description: Back to the montage. Cartman walks around some more, then he's back at the wave pool looking at it, then some colored lights in the background, then he's on bended knee on a bluff overlooking the park.\nCartman: There are too many minorities (too many) At my water park (somebody do something). Where did they all come from? Why can't they leave this land alone? And it's such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying). We looked the other way too long. We've got to change our priorities And get all these minorities Out of my water park (Minorities) Mexicans and Asians, (Black people), I think I even saw a Native American (gross). God I'm asking please, get all of these minorities Out of my water park (my water park).\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Snack Shack, later. The other five boys are eating hamburgers.\nStan: After this, you guys wanna hit the hurricane slides?\nButters: You bet!\nKyle: I'm not getting back in the water.\nStan: Aw come on, Kyle.\nKyle: Dude, I just found out that everybody pees in pools. Why would I go back?\nStan: Not everybody pees in pools.\nKyle: Do you pee in the pool?\nStan: Not today... yet.\nKyle: Aw, come on!\nStan: Well dude, what are you gonna do? Just hang out here at the table all day?\nKyle: Most likely.\nCartman: [running up to the boys] You guys! You guys, we have got problems of Biblical proportions!\nStan: Dude, where have you been?\nCartman: I've been counting. Do you know there are two hundred and five Mexicans here? And there are a hundred and ninety black people!\nKyle: So what?\nCartman: So?! Guess how many white people are at the water park today? One hundred and forty three! There are actually more minorities here than us!\nKyle: Well then they're not minorities, are they?\nCartman: ...What do you mean?\nKyle: Dumbass, if there's sixty percent of them to forty percent of us, then who's the minority?!\nCartman: The black and brown people.\nKyle: No, you're the minority!\nCartman: Do I look like a minority to you, stupid?! Now look guys, I did some calculations: just last year, there were almost ninety percent normal people to minorities. That's a fifty percent rise in one, year!\nStan: This is more math than I've ever seen you do.\nCartman: Because it's important! A fifty percent rise each year means that in three years the world will be only... minorities. That's 2012! The Mayans predicted this!\nButters: The who?\nCartman: The Mayans! They knew that minorities would take over the world by the year 2012! And now it's happening!\nStan: I'm gonna go on the slides.\nButters: Whoopie! [Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny take their leave]\nCartman: You guys! You guys have to do something to stop this! Come on! [only Kyle is left at the table, and Cartman remembers this and slowly turns to him] Well, looks like at least you've got some sense left in you, Kyle. So what are we gonna do to keep the Mayan's prediction from coming true, buddy?\nKyle: Blow it out your ass, Cartman! [leaves the table without taking a bite from his hamburger. He walks by an elderly couple in a pool]\nWoman: Eugene, that is disgusting! Did you just pee in the pool?\nEugene: Aw, come on, look how big this pool is. One person peeing in it isn't gonna hurt anything.\nKyle: Eewww! [walks away quickly. Nearby, a man takes a water sample]\nWater Tester: Oh my God.\nScene Description: The park's main office. The water tester and his assistant are at the office with Pi-Pi and a lawyer. Behind Pi-Pi is a picture window, and outside that is the Drop Zone!! attraction.\nPi-Pi: Ah, gentlemen, I am da Pi-Pi. How can I help you?\nAssistant: Pi-Pi, we have some dire news concerning your water park.\nWater Tester: I've just finished some tests. The water in your park is now 98% pee.\nPi-Pi: Yes, uhso whatsuh is the problem?\nAssistant: Pi-Pi, you know that acceptable pee levels in any water park is eighty three percent. [with some urgency] You have to shut down.\nPi-Pi: What?! I can'tuh close down now, it'she my biggest-a weekend. Everyone is having a-theh fun.\nWater Tester: You're endangering people's lives! [shows him the test results] If those pee levels hit a hundred percent, there's no telling what'll happen!\nLawyer: And what proof... do you have that the pee levels will go up?\nWater Tester: One in three people admit they pee in pools. Add another for people who do but don't admit it; that's two in three. You've got just over five hundred people out there; that's three hundred and thirty two people about to pee in your water!\nPi-Pi: Gehntlemen, please-a. I come-a from ada Venice. [shows off a real life picture of a canal in Venice] Venice is almost all pee. And we doin' just fine. We swim-a in the pee, we sing-a in the pee. You can't barge in here and tell me thuh, that I have to close down just because my wahter park has-a too much pee.\nWater Tester: You have to evacuate people now!\nLawyer: He said he's not doing it! And as his lawyer I advise you gentlemen to leave and take your wild pee theories with you!\nWater Tester: [now at the door with his assistant about to leave] If one more person urinates in your pool, it could set off a chain reaction. Then the pee will be on your hands. [they leave]\nScene Description: The wave pool, later. The water is now green.\nButters: Oh b-hoy, the waves are startin' up again!\nStan: This is sweet, huh Kenny? [Kenny, who's facing away from the camera, doesn't say anything. A girl in an inner tube floats past the boys, then stops and lets loose some pee. Sure enough, the ground begins to rumble and shake.]\nJimmy: W-What's that? [Explosions of pee come out of every ride, overrunning them all. A huge pee wave rises over the park and swamps it, destroying every structure. An unlucky slider is swept down in a rush of pee. A woman loses her baby as the wave strikes her back. The pee tsunami sweeps across the Mt. Everest attraction. A statue of a man scaling the mountain falls off]\nWoman Who Loses Baby: (shrieks)\nMan 1: It's pee! [turns to run from it]\nMan 2: Look out for the pee! [Kyle, who's playing a Zombie Fighter video game, looks back to see what's all the commotion. The pee-nami hits the New York Splash attraction, mowing down its structures]\nKyle: Aaaaah! GROSS! [leaves the game and makes a run for it. A volcano blows up and chunks of lava drop all over the place. The wave pool gets unstable, threatening to throw people out with its wild waves]\nPi-Pi: [holding on to the sign post] Aaaaa, it's-a the peeee! [the sign post breaks off and both man and post are swept away by the pee. Stan, Butters, and Jimmy climb up the Mr. Everest sign]\nFloating Woman: [swept away] Aaaah!\nStan: [in a shaky voice] Aaaah! [stops and looks at the pee, and sees a familiar boy floating in the water, face down] OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!\nKyle: [running up some stairs in Drop Zone!!] Aw, sick! [the pee below him is rising]\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, some time later. Firefighters have arrived on scene of the destroyed water park.\nFire Marshal: I want that entire water park contained and quarantined until I get some answers. [Randy quickly arrives in his station wagon and runs up to the captain]\nRandy: What's going on?\nFire Marshal: I told you people to keep civilians back!\nRandy: Sir, please, my son is in there! What's happened?\nFire Marshal: We don't know yet, all right?! There's been a pee breach and a lot of people are dead. Now I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to-\nOfficer 1: Captain, these two men claim to know the situation. [the water tester and his assistant walk into view]\nWater Tester: We warned the owner of the park, but he refused to shut down. This was inevitable.\nFire Marshal: So this is all pee-related?\nWater Tester: Yes, I... tested the pH levels this morning.\nFire Marshal: And?\nWater Tester: It was almost all pee, no H.\nRandy: Oh my God. I've gotta help him! [starts to run to the gate, but the captain catches him and pulls him back.]\nFire Marshal: Stay BACK!\nRandy: You can't just leave my son in there with all that pee!\nOfficer 2: Sir, it's possible with a crane we could help any survivors out.\nWater Tester: I think that would be a very bad idea.\nFire Marshal: And why is that?\nWater Tester: Anyone inside there is contaminated. We have reason to believe that when people are exposed to that much pee, they... change.\nFireman 1: Change how?\nWater Tester: All right uh brubring in, bring in the monkey. [a researcher wheels in a monkey who's been shackled to a dolly] We've only tested the theory on monkeys so far. This monkey is healthy and normal in every way, but now, watch. [unzips his pants and turns to face the monkey, then starts peeing on it. He first pees on the chest, no reaction. He moves the stream up to the monkey's face and the monkey begins to protest. The monkey tries to escape the pee stream, but the tester just keeps the stream on it as best he can.]\nFire Marshal: My God! He's become full of rage!\nScene Description: Back in the pee-filled water park, Jimmy, Butters, and Stan stand on the Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is on what remains of the Drop Zone!! sign, but it moves a little, sinking a bit.\nKyle: Aahhh...\nStan: [on a small plateau on the attraction] Kyle, quick! You've gotta swim over to us!\nKyle: No way!\nJimmy: You've gotta swim over here, Kyle.\nButters: Come on, Kyle!\nKyle: Dude, that's all pee!\nStan: Well if you don't swim in it you're gonna die!\nKyle: I'll die if I do swim in it!\nStan: Kyle, it's just pee! It's not that big a deal!\nKyle: Yes it is a big deal! Why do you think everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom?!\nStan: [hesitantly] ...Well, not everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom.\nKyle: ..WHAT?\nStan: Come on, dude, you've gotta swim.\nKyle: You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom!\nStan: Not... all the time.\nKyle: That is gross!!\nStan: Why? It's not like you're peeing on your hands! There's more germs on most furniture than there is in pee!\nButters: Yeah, if anything you should wash your hands before you touch your weiner! [the sign drops further into the yellow urine]\nStan: Kyle, come on!\nKyle: Ah, god-damnit! [climbs down the sign and into the pee. He holds his face high up as much as he can as he swims across] Haaa. Ohhhh. Ahh, ohh, uhh, agh, [He climbs up and joins his friends on the plateau. He pants, dripping with pee]\nButters: Do you need to wash your hands?\nScene Description: The lake of pee. Cartman hangs on to a styrofoam ice chest.\nCartman: Help! Help!\nMan 1: Here! Hey kid, grab this stick! [a branch hangs off a Floom Zoom boat]\nCartman: Yes! Yes help me! Yes, help me I'm just a little boy! You have to help me! [grabs onto the branch and is hoisted onto the boat. He catches his breath] Oh, oh, oh. [sits up and looks around - it's all minorities in the boat]\nMan 2: Are you okay?\nCartman: Haa-aa. Yes, thank you.\nMan 2: Well what are we gonna do now?\nWoman 1: We've gotta just wait it out.\nWoman 2: Yeah, but for how long?\nMan 3: We need to find somethin' to paddle with.\nCartman: [pulls out a memo pad and pen and writes the following] Day one. It has happened. The Mayans were right. The only thing they got wrong was the date. It is 2009, and I appear to be the last of my species alive. Now it's just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I'm sure that's what's on all of their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live. [puts the pad and pen away somewhere...] Does anyone need medical help? I am a doctor. [the other survivors just look at him]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon is on the phone in the living room while Shelly looks on from the kitchen doorway.\nSharon: Randy, Randy, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying.\nRandy: It's the pee! It's all pee, and nobody can go in or out!\nSharon: What is all pee?\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot.\nRandy: Sharon, the water park had a pee meltdown! They think a lot of people have died.\nSharon: What?! What about Stan?! Is he okay?!\nRandy: I don't know! The whole water park has been quarantined! They're worried anyone left alive could be... sssome kind of raging, hate-filled mutants.\nSharon: Randy, you've got to do something!\nRandy: Calm down, Sharon, all right?! [shakes his head vigorously] Calm down! They're trying to find an antidote. Once they believe they can neutralize the enraging effects of the pee, they'll, they'll go in to look for survivors.\nFire Marshal: [on the phone with someone] I said keep the media out! If the public hears about this we'll have a full-scale panic on our hands! [hangs up] Damn it where is that antidote?!\nResearcher 1: [with red hair] Here! Here! We think we have it, sir! [three researchers walk into view] It's the best we could come up with in such a short time! We aren't sure of the ramifications, but it does appear to neutralize some particles of the urine.\nFire Marshal: All right, let's test it. Bring in the monkeys! [three monkeys are wheeled in on dollies]\nWater Tester: Let's hope to Christ this works. [each researcher takes a monkey and injects it with the antidote. Then they start pissing on the monkeys, and the monkeys protest almost immediately] No, damn it, no!\nFire Marshal: They're still angry.\nResearcher 1: This one's really angry.\nFire Marshal: It's out of control! [quickly takes a gun from a police officer and shoots the middle monkey first, then the one on the left, then the one on the right. All of them die.] Find an antidote that works! [the researchers leave]\nScene Description: Stan, Jimmy, Kyle, and Butters make their way down the Mt. Everest attraction as the pee recedes.\nKyle: Dude, why the hell aren't people coming to help us?\nStan: I don't know. [they hear the sobs of a crying man nearby]\nPi-Pi: Why? Why didn't Pi-Pi leesten? They tried to warn-a the Pi-Pi, but-a the Pi-Pi not-a belieeve them. [sobs some more. The boys approach him]\nStan: Who are you?\nPi-Pi: [stands up and faces them] Oh I, I'm so sohhry. This all-eh my fault. I should've-a shut my water park-a down when it reached-a ninety percent-a pee.\nKyle: Yeah, well people should [looks at Stan and Butters] know that peeing in pools is [looks at Jimmy] bad!\nPi-Pi: But wait-a. Maybe you boys-a can help-a Pi-Pi. In-a the maintenance room-a there's the emergency release-a valve-a. If you open it, all this pee can be lowered.\nJimmy: Okay. W-where's the maintenance room?\nPi-Pi: That is-a the problem. The maintenance room is a way down on the basement-a level. I would do it but-a Pi-Pi is-a no good at-a swimming. Somebody will have to dive-a down into the pee, then stay there to turn the release-a wheel. So, who can hold their breath-a the longest? [Stan, Butters and Jimmy all look at Kyle, who looks back at them]\nKyle: [spreads his arms in refusal] NO!\nButters: You said you could hold your breath the longest, Kyle.\nKyle: Not in pee!\nPi-Pi: [grabs Kyle by the left wrist and pulls him away from his friends] Please-a you have to hurry! [lets go] I'll draw you-a the map, and instructions how to shut off-a the valve-a. It'll be as easy as-a peeing in the shower.\nKyle: [looks back at the other boys] Oh who pees in the shower?!\nStan: ...Well, it's not like if you suddenly have to pee, you're gonna get out of the shower.\nButters: Well yeah, seeing all that running water always makes me need to pee.\nKyle: You don't pee in the shower, dude. That's fucking disgusting!\nPi-Pi: Boys-a please-a, we've got to get this-a boy to the drainage-a valve-a or we're all-a gonna die!\nKyle: Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: Adrift in the Floom Zoom on Pi Pi Lake. Cartman whips out his memo pad and starts writing again.\nCartman: It has been many, many hours since the Apocalypse, and all I keep thinking is \"Why me? Why am I the only one of my race God chose to survive in this minority-run world?\" When the smoke has cleared I'm sure the minorities will start rebuilding, building the world... in their way. I can see it now. Nooo... [imagines himself in class with a bunch of non-white students]\nTeacher: [A black man] All right, Eric Cartman, let's hear your book report.\nCartman: I read Treasure Island, because I was so happy when I saw that movie.\nTeacher: Hey! You're living in a minority-speaking country now! Say it right!\nCartman: ...because I was so happy when I seen that movie.\nTeacher: Good.\nCartman: Noooo... [now imagines himself at a job interview] Trying to find a job will be even harder.\nSeñor Lopez: You don't expect to make the same amount of money that minorities make, do ya?\nCartman: Well, I do just as much work.\nSeñor Lopez: [laughs] You're trash around here. You'll never make as much as a minority.\nCartman: Noooo... [now imagines himself at an open council meeting] Eventually the minorities will do away with me altogether.\nCouncilman: All those in favor of putting white people in camps?\nAudience: Aye!\nCouncilman: All those opposed?\nCartman: Noooo...\nCouncilman: The minorities win! [Cartman comes out of his daydream]\nCartman: [throws down his pad and pen and stands up] NO! No I don't wanna live in your world, do you understand?! Your world is cold and devoid of any humanity! Just kill me! Kill me now! DO IT! [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut.]\nScene Description: The Mt. Everest attraction. Pi-Pi prepares Kyle for the descent to the basement. Kyle holds a piece of white paper and an index card.\nPi-Pi: Okay, there. We are almost-a ready for the diving-a. Now if you run into any da problems you just tug-a three times on the cable and the Pi-Pi will-a pull you back-a to the surface.\nKyle: Let's just get this over with!\nPi-Pi: You've got-a the map and-a Pi-Pi's instructions?\nKyle: Yes.\nPi-Pi: Good-a. Now just one last thing. [takes a glass jar sitting next to him and scoops some pee into it] You need to drink-a some pee.\nKyle: What?!\nPi-Pi: You just need to drink about-a three cups of pee.\nKyle: Why?!\nPi-Pi: You swim-a down deep in the pee, you get-a the pressure, the bendza. You have to fill-a inside your body with some-a pee to compensate.\nStan: That's true dude, didn't you see The Abyss?\nKyle: [drops the papers on the ground] I am not, NOT, d-rinking pee!\nPi-Pi: But only you can hold-a the breath a long time, just swim down and-a release the valve! If-eh you don't you get-a the benza, then you fail and we all-a die!\nStan: Just drink the pee, Kyle.\nButters: Please, Kyle, I wanna go home.\nPi-Pi: What's-a the problem? When-a you pee either in the toilet or in the shower it all goes to the sewer. The sewer all goes-a to the ocean, the ocean is the water we all drink, we are always drinking-a the pee!\nKyle: That doesn't make me feel better! I wouldn't even be able to keep it down.\nPi-Pi: Sure you will, you drank only pee for nine months when you lived-a in your mother's belly.\nKyle: No!\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon.\nWater Tester: Make way! Make way! I need to speak to the fire marshal! Sir! Sir, I just got off the phone with my colleagues at the university! They've also been testing antidotes on monkeys! They're claiming that they've had success using simple Musa acuminata.\nResearcher 2: [balding, with gray hair] Wait, you mean a banana.\nWater Tester: Yes.\nFire Marshal: Is it possible... the antidote is something as simple as a banana? Get another monkey! [another monkey is brought forth strapped to a dolly] All right, Connors. [Officer connors offers a banana to the monkey, who takes a bite of it after a few seconds. A researcher steps up and starts peeing on the monkey. The monkey doesn't mind it, but just takes another bite of the banana.]\nFireman 2: Holy God, it works!\nPolice Captain: All right, let's start moving in, everyone! Check the-\nWater Tester: Hold on, ih it is a promising lead, but this antidote hasn't yet been tested on a human.\nRandy: I'll do it. [the officers and firefighters make way for Randy.] You can test the antidote on me. [two researchers take Randy and sit him down in the dolly, then strap him in.]\nFire Marshal: [walks up to Randy] You sure you want to do this?\nRandy: Give me the banana. [the balding researcher walks to him and gives him the banana. Randy takes a bite. The fire marshal unzips his pants and starts peeing on Randy's face.] Ugh. Awgh. Aaagh! Awwwwgh! Awwgh, wagh. [tries his best to keep his cool, but shakes his head] Aww, ooogh, Aaaaaaaah.\nResearcher 3: He looks agitated...\nRandy: Aaaaaahhh. Aw, awww.\nFire Marshal: He's losin' it! Stevens, your gun! [Stevens moves to hand his gun to the fire marshal]\nRandy: No, wait, wait! Ugh. Eugh. I... I'm okay.\nWater Tester: He's all right!\nFireman 3: The banana worked!\nScene Description: The Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is still up top holding the glass of pee, not daring to drink it.\nStan: Come on, dude!\nKyle: I'm thinking about it!\nJimmy: Well it's probably bu-better if you don't think about it, Kyle.\nPi-Pi: There's no more time-a. You have to drink-a the pee NOW! [Kyle begins to drink it, then stops]\nKyle: Gah, ah. [swallows once more] Gaagh.\nPi-Pi: Come on, you have to drink aaall-a the peeeee.\nButters: You can do it, Kyle!\nKyle: Aaahh. Well- [gulps down the rest of the glass and throws the glass away] AAAAH! [the glass breaks on a boulder off screen]\nPi-Pi: All right, now you can open the release-a valve. Okay, so let's-a- [some helicopters are heard approaching]\nButters: [points to them] Hey look! [the helicopters are shown. Randy looks out from one of them]\nRandy: [waving a small red shoe] Stan! [steps aside so the firefighters can drop down a rope ladder]\nStan: All right, they finally came for us. [he, Butters and Jimmy have wide smiles]\nKyle: [pissed off] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! [more rope ladders drop down from the other helicopters as the rescuers cheer]\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon. Paramedics check out the survivors. The camera pans right to show Randy walking with Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, and Butters.\nRandy: [stops] Wait here a minute, Stan, I'm gonna call your mother. [walks away]\nCartman: Guys? Guys! [walks into view and hugs Stan] Oh it's true! You all did survive!\nButters: Hawww, you lived?\nCartman: Oh my God, you guys! I really thought I was the only non-minority on Earth! How many of our species survived?\nKyle: That wasn't the Mayan apocalypse, you racist idiot.\nCartman: It wasn't? So then, you mean... we do have until 2012. Well, it may be only three years, but... I intend to live those precious years to the fullest!\nKyle: Will somebody just get me to a hospital? I need to get my stomach pumped!\nStan: Aw come on. It was just a little pee, Kyle.\nKyle: Goddamnit, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee is bananas!\nWater Tester: All right everyone, quick! Here you go!\nButters: What's this?\nFire Marshal: You all need to eat your banana immediately!\nKyle: What the hell for?!\nStevens: [cocks his gun and aims at Kyle] Eat the banana or we have to put you down!\nKyle: [frustrated] AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Windermere Florida, Thanksgiving night, 2009, 2:15 am. There's fighting inside a mansion as a couple screams at each other\nMan: Put it down, you bitch!\nScene Description: Mansion, inside. The camera is focused on the dining room table and slowly pulls back. A golf club strikes a dirty dish and smashes it apart\nMan: Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! [it's Tiger Woods, cowering behind a chair]\nWoman: [smashes some more dishes] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [Elin, with a bad Swedish accent]\nTiger: You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow!\nElin: Then why-a the fuck are you getting a text-a message from some-a low-life-a hooker on Thanksgiving?!\nTiger: God, shut up! [runs out of the dining room] Shut! Up! [enters his den and starts rummaging through a drawer] Where are my fucking pills?! [finds them, takes a bunch, and swallows them]\nElin: Oh yeah! Take more vitamins, Tiger! That'll help!!\nTiger: Will you just listen to me?!\nElin: Listen to this-a! [runs up to him and whacks him across the face as he turns to face her, leaving a bleeding gash across his right cheek]\nTiger: [winces] Aaaah! [looks at her] You fucking whore!\nScene Description: Outside the front door. Tiger leaves the house and goes to his SUV, wiping himself clean. Elin follows him to the front door\nElin: Oh where the fuck do ya think-a you're going?!\nTiger: I'm getting the fuck away from you! [opens the drivers' side door and gets in the SUV. Elin approaches that door with the club. Tiger starts the engine, and Elin starts swinging at the left rear door]\nElin: Open the door, you motherfucker! [Tiger peels away]\nScene Description: A videogame store. Cartman and Kenny are playing a golf game featuring Tiger and Elin. The preceding scenes were from that game\nCartman: [playing as Tiger] Ooo yeah, take that from me in the car, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle walk into the store and spot the other two boys]\nStan: What are you guys doing?\nCartman: Dude, check it out! It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11 for Xbox. [onscreen, Elin is chasing the SUV and leaving cracks in the rear windows with each swing of the club]\nTiger: D'Aaaah! Fuck you, cunt!\nCartman: Stop breaking through the window, Kenny! Whoa, I'm gonna crash I'm gonna crash! [Cartman loses control of the SUV, which hits a fire hydrant, then a tree. Elin catches up to the SUV as Tiger opens the door and staggers out, a bit dazed. The radiator is letting out steam]\nTiger: Aw, look what you did, you crazy bitch!\nElin: It serves you right, you cheating turd! [swings at him and misses]\nCartman: Oh dude, was that a combo move?\nKenny: (Yeah dude, I fucked you up.)\nCartman: Dude, here come the cops! We've gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie.\nKyle: Wow, I didn't know golf games were this cool.\nCartman: Yeah dude, EA Sports outdid themselves this time.\nScene Description: Center for Disease Control and Prevention - the CDC - day. A table full of experts and doctors is assembled on the top floor\nChairman: I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds our country has to offer. As you've all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis, and we need to find out what's causing it. [the men glance at each other] Why? Why are rich successful men suddenly going out and trying to have sex with lots of women?\nExpert 1: [with mustache and black coat] Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, but our data shows that the numbers are growing. David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. There's a pattern here, people.\nExpert 2: [with mustache and midnight blue coat] Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money use that and have sex with lots of different women? [glances at the woman to his left, then looks ahead again]\nChairman: [stands up] Aand these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home. Why would they even think of sex with others? Dammit! [pounds the table with his right fist, but manages only a soft blow] I want answers!\nExpert 3: [balding, with lab coat] We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir.\nChairman: [sits down] Sex awhowho?\nExpert 4: [glasses and lab coat] It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet, but it... seems to make people... different. Of course, we all know the normal healthy male thinks only of sex occasionally and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. [the other men murmur in agreement]\nExpert 5: Definitely true.\nChairman: Yes, we all know that, go on.\nExpert 4: But in the sex addict, their entire lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. The mere sight of an attractive woman could... can make them think about sex with her.\nExpert 6: [with fat cheeks] But what about love? How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? [looks at the woman to his right]\nChairman: What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction?\nExpert 7: [black] It could be caused by something in the water supply. Uh, perhaps even by - global warming.\nExpert 8: [Japanese ancestry] Or cooling.\nExpert 9: Yes\nExpert 7: If.so, then the disease could start to affect our children\nChairman: That does it! [pounds the table softly] I want health screening at all our nation's schools! We need to find out if any young people might be carrying this disease.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, 4th Grade classroom. A researcher stands before the class with a clipboard\nExpert 9: Good afternoon, students. We are going to be a doing a health screening today. It won't take long, it'll be relatively painless, but we need to see if any students are showing... symptoms. [to his left is a cart with two beakers, a tray, and a picture resting against the legs] I'n a moment, I'm going to show you a suggestive picture. [puts the tray on the middle shelf of the cart and picks up the picture] And then I'm going to ask you a question about that picture. Alright, ready? Here we go. [turns the picture around and a naked couple appears, caressing. The class gasps]\nThe class: Oh! Wow. Ohhh.\nKenny: [cheering] (Woo hoo!)\nKyle: Jesus, dude.\nButters: Holy moly, what's that between the lady's legs? It's all bushy.\nExpert 9: Please just study the picture the best you can, students. I'll then ask you the question which you'll answer on the paper provided.\nButters: [pointing] I've never seen that part of a lady! Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they??\nExpert 9: Okay, very good. [sets the picture down against the cart again] Now, what color... was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? Write down your answer, please: what color was the handkerchief... in the nice lady's hand?\nButters: [to Clyde] Did you see that bush on that lady?? What the heck was that??\nExpert 9: Very good, turn your answers over please. [the students turn their sheets over]\nButters: Gee whiz, it was like almost up to her belly button!\nExpert 9: Alright, now, who answered that the handkerchief was... yellow? [most of the kids raise their hands] Very good, very good indeed. Now I'd like to see who answered \"What handkerchief?\" [Kenny is the first to raise his hand. Kyle is nervous and looks around, but then raises his left hand. Butters looks over at them and then raises his left hand] A-ha! You three boys, please come with me. [heads for the door as Kyle, Kenny, and Butters leave their seats]\nKyle: I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see a handkerchief, Kenny?\nKenny: (Fuck no, I wasn't looking at a handkerchief!)\nScene Description: a small unused office at school. The researcher takes the boys into the office, has them sit at a table, and sits opposite them\nExpert 9: I'm sorry boys, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction.\nKyle: What?!\nButters: Oh no!\nKenny: [annoyed] (Who fuckin' cares?)\nExpert 9: We're gonna have to send you home, I'm afraid.\nKyle: Wait, we're sex addicts? Uh-are you sure?\nExpert 9: Our nice-lady-with-the-handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and thorough. I'm sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal, well-adjusted students.\nButters: It was just... so big and bushy sir. Why does it look like that?\nKyle: So what happens to us now?\nExpert 9: [sighs and rises from his chair, walking off] A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. Your addiction will start off slowly - magazines, Internet sites - but then, as you keep chasing your high your tastes will get more and more dangerous. Most likely you'll end up going the way of David Carradine and Michael Hutchence: autoerotic asphyxiation.\nKenny: (Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?)\nExpert 9: I don't want to go into too much detail but... you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something, then you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasm super awesome.\nKenny: (Really??)\nButters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume.\nScene Description: CDC Headquarters, day. The chairman and his board address the public\nChairman: Ladies and gentlemen, for the past several days we've been screening our nation's schools for signs of sex addiction. The results of our tests are troubling to say the least. Dr. Tonton?\nDr. Tonton: [expert 9, as it turns out. He heads to a chart] In fourth graders, five percent of male students were found to be sex addicts. By sixth grade the number goes up to thirty percent. At high schools, nearly ninety-one percent of male students answered, \"What handkerchief?\"\nChairman: We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. Young people all over America are infected, and at extreme risk to themselves and to the people around them. [Kyle watches this on TV from his bed] They're leading lives of secret pain.\nReporter 1: And so these infected boys will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex all the time with lots of different people?\nChairman: It appears so.\nReporter 1: The poor bastards!\nReporter 2: But what about us normal healthy adults? Are we at risk of exposure?\nChairman: We don't believe so. In adult males, for whatever reason, sex addiction only seems to be problematic amongst rich successful celebrities. [Randy watches this on TV from bed. Sharon is beside him reading a book instead] However, we are still collecting data, and all-\nRandy: Why would wealth and success cause a man to go out and have sex with everyone he could?\nChairman: -answers which we all desire. [next scene is the McCormick living room] Whatever is causing this outbreak, we guarantee we will find it! [Mrs. McCormick comes out with a pizza]\nMrs. McCormick: Kenny, it's time for dinner! [goes upstairs to Kenny's room and looks inside] Kenny? [turns around and gasps. Kenny had hanged himself from his closet door with a belt while dressed in a Batman suit and masturbating to a magazine. His left hand is tucked inside the tights, around the genitals] AAAA!\nScene Description: Kenny's funeral, day.\nPriest: Sunset and Evening Star, and one clear call for me, and may their be no moaning of the bar when I put out to sea.\nKyle: Oh God, it's true.\nPriest: But such a tide as moving seems asleep, too full for sound and foam, when that which drew from out the boundless deep t-\nButters: There! It was like that! It looked just like that! [stands on his chair and points to a bush, then walks over to it] Just like this, buh, but smaller, and right in the place where her underwear should've been. If I trim it down, it'll look right..\nKyle: [reaching him] Butters! Butters, stop it!\nButters: [fights Kyle off] But this is what I keep seeing in my head!\nKyle: [pulls him away from the bush] Butters, we are sick! Don't you get it?! We're gonna end up just like Kenny!\nButters: [fights Kyle off again] No, uh, if I can just see it again, I, I'll be fine.\nKyle: No! Butters, stop! [slaps him]\nButters: Haah! Leave me alone! [reaches for the bush again]\nKyle: Stop it! Stop! [pulls him back and flings him to the ground. They fight for a few seconds, then break down and cry out] Oh God! Oh God, help us!\nScene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger is about to tee off.\nCommentator: Tiger... lines up his drive. He'll be hoping for a birdie here. Concentration is key.\nElin: [runs into the scene from screen right with her own golf club] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [starts hitting him with it]\nTiger: Aaagh! Goddamnit, stop it! [blocks her club with his, as in a sword fight, and now they trade blows]\nElin: How many women did you fuck-a?! How many?!\nStan: Aw dude, I clocked you!\nCartman: I told you this game was sweet, dude.\nStan: Hang on, hang on, I'm switching to a 7-iron. [Elin gets a new club and her swings get faster]\nCartman: Oh! O-oh! Oh man, I lost another endorsement! How'd you do that?\nStan: Hit A and X together.\nAnnouncer: Round 2. Fight!! [Tiger and Elin face off again and start swinging]\nCartman: Oh, you're going down, Elin!\nStan: I don't think so dude, I got the pre-nup power-up.\nAnnouncer: Pre-nup power-up. [a pre-nuptial agreement appears onscreen and then flies off. Elin swings and Tiger a few more times and he's on the grass on his back]\nCartman: Oh no! [Elin continues beating up Tiger] Pre-nup? Weak. When'd you get that power-up?\nScene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day. \"A New Tomorrow, Yesterday.\"\nTherapist: All right, sex addicts. What other destructive behaviors that we engaged in that led to our ultimate downfall? [on the dry-erase board are three examples: \"Sex Shop Visits, Sex With Hookers, Going To Strip Clubs\"] Anyone have another example? Let's see, how about... David!\nDavid Letterman: Haha, Oh, ahh, having sex with employees.\nTherapist: [writing on the board] \"Sex with employees.\" Definitely a danger there. What else? Uh, Mr. Clinton.\nBill Clinton: Putting cigars in girls' vaginas?\nTherapist: Very good, Billy. [writing on the board] \"cigars in vaginas.\" Not the best idea there.\nCharlie Sheen: Watching Internet porn all day every day?\nTherapist: Spot on, Charlie Sheen! Excessive [writing on the board] \"Internet porn.\" Now, the reason we are making this list is that we have new members today. I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers. The men all turn to look at the boys, who are seated in the last row.\nKyle: Hello?\nThe men: Hey Kyle, hi Kyle.\nTherapist: And would you care to share your stories with us, boys?\nKyle: Well, I just found out I'm a sex addict. I'm so scared, I haven't even told my mom yet.\nBill Clinton: Does your mom have big tits?\nTherapist: Billy!\nBill Clinton: [sheepishly] Sorry...\nButters: Me, I just... Well I just can't stop thinking about bush.\nBen Roethlisberger: I heard that.\nButters: I mean it's like, what is it? What does it mean? Why would there be a bush right there? Is it a live bush? Are there berries?\nTherapist: Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off!\nDavid Duchovny: [stops] Aw, gee whiz!\nScene Description: CDC labs, day.\nExpert 4: To better understand the sex addiction outbreak, we've been running tests on chimpanzees. [an enclosure full of chimps is shown] You can see that this entire community of specimens are getting along normally, some pairing off, others on their own, but now see this chimp here. [a chimp is shown sitting peacefully scratching himself here and there] An average adult normal male blending in seamlessly with the others. Now watch. We're going to give it a lot of money. [presses a button and speaks into a mic] Go ahead. [two researchers walk into the enclosure and dump lots of dollar bills on the peaceful chimp and walk out. The chimp looks at the money and starts getting excited. He stands up and grins widely, then walks around with dollars bills in his hands. He walks up to a chimp with a baby chimp in her hands and bangs her from behind. She lets the baby go. The male chimp moves on to the next female and bangs her face to face, then he moves to the third female and bangs her from behind. ]\nChairman: My God...\nExpert 4: Yes... [the chimp goes on to bang two other females and an angry chimp is heard in the background. She comes out in curlers, robe, and slippers, and wields a rolling pin. She approaches the male chimp and beats him up with the rolling pin, then walks away as he writhes on the ground. The other chimps hoot and holler, and one of them throws feces at him] The subject is now isolated and shunned.\nChairman: Incredible. And, and what's it doing now?\nExpert 4: Making a public apology on its talk show. [and so it is]\nScene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day.\nTherapist: Alrighty. Now, we all know the destructive behaviors that got us into this predicament, don't we? What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? [Tiger raises his hand] Yes, Tiger?\nTiger Woods: Avoid drugs? And alcohol?\nThe other men: Auugh!\nTherapist: No, no, Tiger, you still aren't getting it. [Kyle has a memo pad and pen, Butters is trimming a small bonsai tree] In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... anyone? Avoid getting... anyone?\nMichael Douglas: Caught.\nTherapist: Yes, Michael Douglas! Everyone!\nThe Men: Getting caught.\nTherapist: Very good! You are all here in therapy [draws a big circle around the destructive behaviors and writes \"CAUGHT\" over them] because you got caught! So how do we avoid getting caught? Ben Rothlisberger?\nBen Rothlisberger: Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms?\nDavid Letterman: When they uh ask you for money, pay them.\nTherapist: Good, yes!\nKyle: Whoa, hang on! We shouldn't be learning how not to get caught. We have to take responsibility for our actions. [Butters stops trimming the tree, the men all look at Kyle]\nBill Clinton: [breaks the silence] What the fuck are you talkin' about?\nKyle: Well, ah I mean, we have to accept that we have a problem, and put the blame completely on ourselves. I mean, maybe this isn't really even a disease. [the therapist turns around and walks away from the group, then places a call]\nTherapist: Yeah, it's me. We've got a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl.\nScene Description: The White House, Oval Office, day. The chairman of the CDC and a researcher are talking to President Obama\nChairman: Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. The monkeys who were given cash always acted out their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. It appears that money has a direct effect on the virus's ability to develop.\nObama: So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success.\nChairman: No good, Mr. President. Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money and become successful in order to feed their addiction.\nObama: You mean boys will start working towards being rich and successful just so they can one day have sex with lots of women??\nChairman: Yes. That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues! We tried to find something in the hundred dollar bill that could explain why this is happening now. Then we looked at the backside, and found this. [points to the picture of Independence Hall on the back of the bill] Independence Hall.\nObama: The birthplace of our country.\nChairman: We believe something is happening in Independence Hall that gives money its power over men.\nObama: Independence Hall... Independence Day... Aliens... Gentlemen, I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. This is highly classified, but... in 1947 a flying saucer was discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. Two deceased alien bodies were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. They carried... a virus with them. A virus that only barely stopped from spreading all over the country.\nChairman: And you think that these aliens... could be back with a new virus? One originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men to have sex with lots of women?!\nObama: [seriously] It's the only explanation that makes any sense. [glances at Michelle, who doesn't react, then looks at the chairman again]\nScene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. \"I WAS UNFAITHFUL, HAD AFFAIRS, AND I CHEATED.\"\nTiger: I want to say that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. I know that I have severely disappointed all of you. Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving Night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She has shown nothing but grace and poise-\nElin: [off-stage] You motherfucker!\nTiger: Oh no!\nElin: I should have never married [jumps out from behind the curtain and whacks him with a golf club] youuu! [continues whacking him]\nTiger: Agh! Stop it!\nElin: A porn star?! You screwed a porn star?! [the camera pulls back to reveal the video game the boys were playing earlier]\nCartman: Dude, you found another girl's phone number on my cell phone??\nStan: Yeah, back in that water level. [looks over at the front door, then back at the game] Is Kyle still at sex-addiction therapy? That must be really intense.\nScene Description: A military helicopter in the night sky. Kyle and Butters are with the other addicts\nKyle: Okay so, what exactly are we doing now?\nTherapist: [sighs heavily] We are on our way to help take of your diseases once and for all!\nButters: Oh good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore.\nTherapist: Don't worry, as soon as it's dead everything will make sense.\nKyle: ...As soon as what's dead? [the men groan]\nTherapist: The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out at Independence Hall!\nScene Description: Independence Hall, night. Police, SWAT, and firefighters swarm the grounds and police barricades are put up. The front doors blow off their hinges and the SWAT team moves in.\nSWAT Officer 1: Entrance is clear, Mr. President. [Obama leads the chairman and other CDD officials into the front room of the building]\nChairman: Mr. President, you aren't safe here. Let us handle this.\nSWAT Officer 2: Right side clear!\nExpert 4: We must be careful. The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility.\nObama: [softly] Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard.\nExpert 10: Yes! It explains everything! A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species, causing all the men to become sex addicts.\nObama: Enough! We need to find the wizard alien and break his spell.\nSWAT Officer 2: [chuckles] Okay okay alright alright, hang, hang on guys. I mean, come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. Wizard aliens? We all know what's going on here, don't we? Whenever a story breaks about some rich famous guy going around and having sex with tons of girls, we all wanna act like we don't understand it, but we do. We're guys, you know? Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male and get all the women we can. [walks into an open area in the room] I mean, look where we are. Even, even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved. Because he could. We don't have to condone what these rich, famous people do, but... we can at least admit that, given the same temptations and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, a lot of us guys might do somethin' similar. [Obama thinks this over...]\nObama: [speaks into a mic strapped to his wrist] We have a turd in the punch bowl.\nSecret Service Agent: Turd in the punch bowl. [the other SWAT members close in on him]\nSWAT Officer 2: Hey, what are you doin- No. No, come on. [and take him away] Where are you takin' me?\nScene Description: News 4 news break. A reporter and camera are outside Independence Hall\nNews 4 Reporter: Ten city blocks have been shut down because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here in Independence Hall. By all accounts, the alien is also a wizard, who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak of sex addiction in our country. [everyone in the Hall is moving around cautiously, with flashlights on.]\nSWAT Officer 3: [voice only] Mr. President, here they are. [all flashlights point towards the source of the voice. The SWAT officers make way for the therapist, Kyle, and Butters]\nTherapist: This is the boy I told you about. And his friend, Bummers.\nChairman: Son, we were told that you think sex addiction can be controlled. That it just takes restraint. Is that true?\nKyle: I just think I'd rather... control it instead of blame it on anything.\nChairman: A-mazing. Then the wizard alien spell might not have any power over him! He could draw the bastard out!\nObama: Quick, give that boy a gun! [a SWAT officer gives him a rifle]\nKyle: What?\nSWAT Officer 3: You'd better take one too. [gives Butters a rifle]\nObama: Alright, everyone to the stairwell. The bastard's gotta be upstairs. [moves towards the stairs as well]\nKyle: What bastard?\nObama: [looks back at Kyle] The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got tuh- [a muffled voice is heard]\nChairman: [on the stairs] The hell was that?\nSWAT Officer 4: I got a baaad feelin' about this. [behind Kyle and Butters, a door opens and the kidnapped SWAT officer stumbles out with his hands tied in front of him and holding a wand, wearing a huge green mascot head of an alien with ogre ears, a white beard, and a wizard's hat.]\nDr. Tonton: Oh my God there it is!\nChairman: It's the alien wizard! It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! [a strobe light flickers on and off, blinding the bound SWAT officer, who stumbles around trying to free himself]\nObama: Shoot it boys!\nExpert 6: You have to shoot it! [Kyle fires a shot]\nChairman: Shoot it again, it's still alive! [Butters fires a shot]\nSWAT Officer 5: You gotta reload! [the boys reload slowly]\nExpert 4: Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! [Kyle fires a shot]\nObama: Keep shooting it!\nExpert 11: Shoot him in his blabber mouth! [Kyle fires again, then Butters fires a shot, and the SWAT officer falls to the floor dead. The strobe light keeps flashing just in case]\nChairman: My God, they've done it!\nScene Description: Outside Independence Hall. The sex addicts dance around and moan gleefully\nBill Clinton: Look! The sex addiction! It's leavin' my body!\nDavid Letterman: I can feel it! I'm free!\nAnother addict: We are healed!\nScene Description: The White House, day. President Obama addresses the nation from the South Lawn. \"Sexual Healing\" plays in the background\nObama: We watched... as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. It devastated families. But once again, our great country has risen up as one. The wizard alien... is dead. Sex addiction is no more. And if a rich celebrity is caught again trying to screw lots of women, we will know it isn't because men are just like that, it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. [the crowd on the lawn jumps up and cheers]\nRandy: [watching this on TV in the bedroom] Oh I'm so glad it's over, Sharon. Aren't you? [Sharon isn't paying any attention, preferring to read a book]\nNews 4 Reporter: We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. Boys, how does it feel to be free of your illness?\nKyle: [unsure] I guess it... feels great. Thanks. [Butters looks pissed off]\nButters: Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! [swats the reporter's hand away and walks towards the camera] I finally paid a lady to show me hers. You wanna know what's under that bush? Nothin' but a pair of sick Joker lips.\nScene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. \"I AM RETURNING TO GOLF IN 3 WEEKS.\"\nTiger: I am so happy that I am cured, and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone but my beautiful wife. Now I can be faithful. And my wife won't feel any need to get revenge by sleeping with a bunch of guys. [she glances at him, he glances at her, she glances back at him] So I officially announce my return to golf.\nScene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger tees off and the audience claps approvingly. The ball reaches 350 yards. Nothing more exciting happens\nCartman: What the hell?! This game's all boring now!\nStan: Yeah, where's all the fighting?\nCartman: Dude, screw this! [gets off the sofa and throws his controller to the floor, then walks away] Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around?!\nStan: Yeah, golf is stupid again. [gets off the sofa and tosses his controller onto the sofa, then follows Cartman out]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Fourth Grade class. The bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with a box of books.\nMr. Garrison: Okay kids, let's take our seats. [sets the box down on the desk] There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.\nCartman: [sarcastically, folds his arms together] Aww, books? God, I hate those!\nMr. Garrison: Now, kids, this book is very controversial and has just been taken off the banned books list. [the book in question is J.D. Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye]\nCartman: Oh really? Sweet.\nMr. Garrison: It's called The Catcher In The Rye, and it has some very... risqué parts... [begins handing out the books individually]\nStan: All right!\nMr. Garrison: ...and strong vulgar language...\nKenny: (Awesome, dude!)\nMr. Garrison: ...and in fact many schools across the country still ban this book because it's thought to be so inappropriate.\nCartman: Oho man, I can't wait!\nMr. Garrison: Tonight I want you to read chapters one through five, and tomorrow we'll discuss the-\nCartman: No on, come on, let's read it now!\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?\nMr. Garrison: Uh-yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by The Catcher In The Rye, but he was just a kook! [jabs his left index finger at the floor]\nCartman: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? Can we please read this right now?!\nMr. Garrison: You will read it at home, [jabs his left index finger at the floor again, then puts his palms on his hips] and you will all be mature about its adult themes and language!\nClass: Awww!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, that afternoon. Kyle is reading at his desk, Stan is on the floor next to Kyle's bed reading. Kyle is almost finished with the book while Stan is halfway through it.\nStan: Did you get to any dirty parts yet?\nKyle: No, it's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.\nStan: [turns the page] I don't get it dude, w-what's so controversial about this? All he's done is said \"shit\" and \"fuck\" a few times.\nKyle: I know. I'm almost at the end and there's nothing. [the door opens and a pissed-off Cartman enters and closes the door]\nCartman: Motherfucker! [Kyle turns around to face him, Stan stands up and walks up to him] The whole thing! I read the whole fucking thing! I kept thinking, \"alright, I guess the cool offensive stuff must be coming,\" and then after like a hundred pages I was like \"alright, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end,\" and then I got to the last page, and I was all \"the fuck is this?! I just read a book! For nothing!\"\nKyle: [picks up his book] Why the hell was this book banned?!\nCartman: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by, enticing us with promises of vulgarity! [the door opens again and Kenny enters with his book]\nKenny: (Dude, what the fuck is so filthy or offensive in here?)\nCartman: We know, we were just saying that.\nStan: Why would anyone think this book so obscene or dangerous?\nScene Description: Butters' house, same time. He's reading the book at the kitchen table with an odd look in his eyes. He sets the book down\nButters: Kill John Lennon... [leaves his chair and walks across the kitchen] Kill John Lennon... Kill John Lennon... [reaches into a bottom drawer and pulls out a large steak knife] Kill John Lennon! [walks by his dad's study and stops to look in] Hey dad, where does John Lennon live?\nStephen: John Lennon's dead, Butters.\nButters: [lowers the knife instantly] Aww. Dangit. [drops it and walks away]\nKyle: Dude, some people really do consider this obscene.\nCartman: It's not obscene, dude! I'll show them fucking obscene!\nStan: Hey yeah, we should write our own banned book. [Kyle breaks into a grin]\nCartman: Yeah, we could get a book banned way more than this one.\nKyle: Yeah, sweet.\nKenny: (Awesome.)\nKyle: [starts typing] The Tale of... [can't think of anything, so his smile disappears]\nCartman: The Tale of... Scrotie McDickinass.\nKenny: (No, No, Scrotie McBoogerballs)\nKyle: Oh that's, [giggles] yeah that's good, that's good. Alright, chapter... one...\nCartman: It was a... a warm spring morning. [background music plays and a montage follows. Next is the school playground where, as other kids play, Stan and the other three sit on the steps of a side entrance and continue working on their book, with Cartman taking notes Next is Stan's room where Stan is typing the next part of the book. The boys are having fun with the writing. Next scene is in Cartman's room where Cartman is again writing the story down. Kyle has brought Ike over for company. Finally, a few days later, Sharon enters Stan's room to put away his clean clothes. She puts away some underwear, but notices something in the drawer. Under Stan's shirts is the manuscript to the story the boys have been working on. Sharon reaches for it.]\nScene Description: Stan's room, day. Sharon grabs the manuscript and begins reading it\nSharon: \"The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs\"? [goes to the first page] \"It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find his\"... [reads silently] Ew. \"He took a...\" [stunned] What? Oh. OH! Oh my God! \"He then grabbed his dog's\" [stifles a gag but can't hold it in, and barfs] Ehohoh, oh my God! \"Walking out of his house he spotted the bloodiest pus-covered\" [tries not to barf again, but can't hold it in] Nooo! Nooo! [reads some more, but then coughs, then barfs] Noho! Nooo! [Sharon then falls unconscious and rolls on her back]\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen, downstairs. Sharon races down with the manuscript...\nSharon: Randy? [spots him working on a small wooden ship and runs in] Randy! Randy, you need to read this!\nRandy: Read what?\nSharon: This book! Our son and his friends wrote it!\nRandy: So?\nSharon: Soo? Randy, it's, it's, it's really good!\nRandy: Huh?\nSharon: I mean it's disgusting. [hands the manuscript over to him] It's, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but, the plot is amazing. And the characters are so... vivid!\nRandy: \"It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find hi-\" Ew, Sharon, gross!\nSharon: Nono, just keep reading.\nRandy: \"He took a- and then-\" Oh, man. Oh, this- [turns to his left and barfs on the floor. Sharon turns away and shields herself]\nSharon: I know. I know, Randy, but trust me. You've gotta push through to the end.\nRandy: Noo, noo, that's just WRONG!\nSharon: Randy please! You've got to listen to me!\nRandy: \"Walking out of the house he found a bloody pu-\" What? \"He immediately stuck up his im...fected ba-\" [barfs again. He spends a couple hours more reading, and finally reaches the last few pages. There's a pail in front of him now, but the vomit has gone all over the place. He has a small towel in his left hand covered in vomit. His voice is now soft and beat] \"That was all long ago in some brief lost spring, in a place that is no more. In that hour the vaj frogs begin and the scent off Scrotie's infected anus becomes its strongest.\" Oh... Oh, man.\nSharon: Well?\nRandy: It's... it's awesome. Sharon it's it's the best book I've ever read.\nSharon: Right? It's not just me.\nRandy: No, it's... I mean, the whole part about Amsterdam, wow!\nSharon: What do we do, Randy? We can't support our son talking like this, but I, I mean.\nRandy: NO! I kn... I know! People need to read this book, Sharon, this is... this is Pulitzer prize stuff.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day, living room. Kenny, Cartman and Kyle are playing a video game\nCartman: Hehehhh, you're dead, Kenny!\nStan: [runs into the living room in a panic] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer. My parents must have found it!\nCartman: ...so why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all.\nStan: Hey hey! I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it! If I'm going down, somebody has to go down with me!\nKyle: Well if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!\nCartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!\nStan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down!\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's in the living room watching TV. Cartman walks in with the other three boys\nCartman: Butters, what are you up to?\nButters: Oh hey fellas. I'm just watching the Kardashians\nKim: Today my sisters and I are gonna have to wash something. It's gonna blow!\nButters: Kim Kardashian is sooo sexy. Her butt is like a biiig mountain of pudding.\nStan: Butters, listen: you are in big trouble!\nButters: I am?\nCartman: Yeah, you remember that book you wrote? Stan's mom found it.\nButters: Oh no. Which book was that?\nCartman: Dude, the book you left with us when you were sleepwalking last night!\nButters: I don't even remember that. [gasps] But it all makes sense now. Ever since I read The Catcher In The Rye I've been having these... blackouts. Crazy thoughts of wanting to kill the phonies. I must have channeled all my angst into dark writings in my sleep!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. The boys and their parents are in the living room\nSharon: Alright boys, we need to get to the bottom of this.\nSheila: We've all read the book now and it is very shocking to say the least.\nStan: Okay, well... a-actually it was all written by... Butters. [Butters walks in hanging his head]\nCartman: That's right.\nRandy: Butters? Is that true?\nButters: Yeah, though I barely remember it, but I know I did.\nGerald: Well Butters, we think... that this is one of the BEST books we've ever read.\nButters: Huh?\nKyle: What? [the other boys can't believe it]\nGerald: Yeah, it's really amazing.\nButters: [brightens up] Oh, thanks.\nSheila: We were actually so moved by your book, Butters, that we brought Mr. Needlebaum from Penguin Publishing to read it.\nMr. Needlebaum: Mr. Butters, we would like to offer you a deal for first publishing rights to your brilliant novel.\nStan: Hey, wait a minute, that's ours!\nKyle: Yeah, we wrote that!\nRandy: Ohkay boys, you already told the truth.\nKyle: No, no, w-we we really did write it. Tell them, Butters.\nButters: I wrote that. [the adults begin to murmur amongst themselves]\nStephen: Really amazing.\nStan: What? Hey! [Butters is pleased for once]\nScene Description: A news report\nNews Anchor: It is being called the most disgusting, foul, sickening book ever written, and it is also being called \"literary genius.\" The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this weekend, and so far no one has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting.\nScene Description: Frontier Books. Everyone who's buying or reading the book is vomiting after reading a few seconds of it, then back to the news report\nNews Anchor: The book has already sold millions of copies worldwide aaand has been translated into twenty six languages.\nScene Description: a reading in Chinese. The book cover is shown in Chinese. Even just hearing it, the Chinese audience vomits after Scrotie McBoogerballs' name. The reader continues for a few more seconds, but has to stop to vomit into the pail next to him. The audience vomits some more, and the reader continues, After reading Jessica Parker's name, he gets off his stool and vomits into the pail some more. The audience vomits some more. Then back to the news report\nNews Anchor: The book is changing the literary world. And it is all thanks... to Leopold \"Butters\" Stotch. [a picture of Butters in a pensive pose pops up]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Adler supervise the hallway\nClyde: Hey, here he comes!\nMr. Adler: Amazing book, Butters. [Mr. Garrison comes out of his classroom]\nButters: Thank you! [clasps his hands together and congratulates himself as he walks down the hallway]\nMrs. Streibel: You've changed my life, young man.\nButters: That's nice. [waves to everyone and walks on, but runs into Stan and the boys, who are mad at him]\nCartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!\nButters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?\nKyle: Butters, you know goddamned well you didn't write that book!\nButters: But, you told me I did!\nStan: Yeah, but that was when we thought we were gonna get in trouble, asshole! [two girls rush up to Butters' aid]\nRed: Hey hey, you guys leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.\nLola: He's so brooding and full of angst.\nButters: Yeah, I'm broooding.\nCartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit!\nRebecca: Oh God, you guys are pathetic!\nLola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off others' success for once. [the girls leave]\nStan: God-damnit!\nKyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have the-\nButters: No, let me tell you somethin', fellers! You always take advantage of me, and after reading The Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! I'm not letting you trick me this time! So the four of you can just suck on my wiener!\nCartman: That inconsiderate jerk!\nScene Description: The HBC logo pops up - a spoof of the NBC Peacock. What follows is an HBC News presentation\nAnnouncer: Today on Today: We meet the author of the book that has swept the nation, and has now spawned TV's most popular game show, \"How Long Can You Listen To Scrotie McBoogerballs On Audiobook\" [the studio audience joins in] \"And Not Vomit?\" [a contestant is fitted with headphones and place in a soundproof booth. The front panel is a glass door so the audience can see the contestant's reaction without getting sprayed with vomit. It only takes two seconds of listening before the contestant vomits all over the door] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned four hundred and sixty-five times. [a shot of Parker and her date at the Oscars] Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?\nBroderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman and I know that most people agree with me.\nAnnouncer: Uh huh, and Matthew, how come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [cut to a shot of the Stotch family sitting in Butters' room]\nMatt Lauer: Joining us now is the author of the book, Leopold Stotch, along with his parents.\nStephen: Hello Matt\nLinda: Hi everyone.\nMatt Lauer: You must be pretty proud of your son.\nStephen: Oh, we certainly are. We're thrilled to learn he's so very talented.\nMeredith Vieira: And we also learned that your son is grounded. Is that correct?\nStephen: Yes, we did have to ground him for the language in the novel of course.\nButters: I have to come right to my room after school.\nStephen: But we are very very proud nonetheless.\nAl Roker: [chuckles] Young man, now that you are a respected author, have you met any famous people?\nButters: Not yet, but as soon as I'm not grounded anymore, I'm hopin' to meet Kim Kardashian. I wanna jump on her belly.\nMatt Lauer: All right, uh, yeah huh. Butters, my favorite part of your novel was when Scrotie McBoogerballs slid his head up into the horse's [jumps off his stool and tries to vomit into a pail nearby, but misses. He vomits agin and this time gets it into the pail, burps, and coughs a few times, getting the last of the vomit into the pail, and finally spits. He gets back on the stool] Sorry, I uh, was that chapter a slam on health care reform as people suggested?\nButters: Uh... yeah, pretty much, I think, think so.\nMeredith Vieira: Is that why the doctor character pulls out all the strings? [begins to vomit immediately]\nAl Roker: Little boy, are you ever worried somebody might take your book wrong and try to kill someone, like when that guy tried to shoot Ronald Reagan after reading The Catcher in the Rye?\nButters: Oh, is that who the book was tellin' me to kill? Ohhh. [gets into a trance] Kill Ronald Reagan. [hops off his bed and heads for the door] Kill Ronald Reagan.\nAl Roker: Ronald Reagan is dead now, Butters.\nButters: Oh really? [goes back to his bed] Oh yeah, gosh dangit.\nScene Description: Assembly Hall, day. Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Sarah Jessica Parker are giving their speeches to the school board.\nStan: More and more of us are against this book every day! The author is cruel and offensive! And for these reasons, we demand this book be banned from all school, stores, and libraries! This book is nothing but smut and vulgarity purely for the sake of smut and vulgarity!\nAssemblyman 1: That's just because you're too young to understand the underlying themes.\nCartman: There are no underlying themes! We know that for a fact!\nAssemblyman 2: You just fail to understand what the author meant.\nKyle: The author meant to be as gross as possible because it was funny!\nAssemblyman 3: [chuckles] No, no no, that's such a simplistic view.\nStan: Goddamnit there is no deeper meaning in this book! Read it again!\nAssemblywoman 1: Oh, so you're suggesting that the author just arbitrarily made fun of Sarah Jessica Parker for no reason?\nKyle: Yes!\nAssemblywoman 1: But what would be the point?\nCartman: There is no point! It's just because Sarah Jessica Parker is fuckin' ugly!\nAssemblywoman 2: No writer would take the time to make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker just because they think she's ugly.\nStan, Kyle, Cartman: Yes they would!\nAssemblywoman 2: It is because Miss Jessica Parker is a metaphor in the book for oppression felt by the lower class.\nStan: What? Dude, that is not in the book at all!\nAssemblyman 2: Boys, this book is an important look at how liberals are hurting this country.\nStan: What?\nAssemblywoman 2: Wait, Scrotie McBoogerballs is the most conservative-hating liberal in literature!\nAssemblyman 2: What book did you read?!\nStan: There's nothing about liberals or conservatives!\nAssemblyman 4: Ohohh yeah, then why did Sarah Jessica Parker's butt-cheese end up in Scrotie's milkshake? [an assemblyman nearby throws up]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. A Channel 9 reporter stands across the street from it as a small crowd gathers around the front door and look up at Butters' window\nField Reporter: Breaking news from acclaimed author Leopold Stotch. The artist has announced that he is working on a second novel as a followup to his wildly successful bestseller. We got a statement from the writer, who is still grounded in his room. [The reporter and Butters are yelling at each other to be heard.]\nField Reporter: Can you give the public any idea what the new book is about?\nButters: Well, it's kind of about love and betrayal! The inner workings of the human mind!\nField Reporter: Will it be as sick and disgusting as your first book?\nButters: Oh it's raunchy alright! I know what my readers want, and I'm going to deliver!\nStephen: Butters, away from the window! You are being grounded!\nButters: Sorry Dad, I was just bein' the voice of a generation. [walks out of view]\nScene Description: Outside Assembly Hall, the boys sit on the curb. Sarah Jessica Parker stands next to a tree with a bare branch on which a bird sits\nStan: I can't believe they won't ban our book!\nKyle: I know! It's so much worse than Catcher in the retarded Rye!\nKenny: (It's fucking disgusting!)\nCartman: All right you guys, I know what we have to do. [stands up and walks onto the street] We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker.\nKyle: What?! [Stan's hands go from his chin to his knees]\nCartman: Think about it, guys. If somebody kills Sarah Jessica Parker, then they'll assume that somebody did it because of what was in the book. Then the book will get banned.\nKyle: Dude, we're not killing Sarah Jessica Parker! [Sarah Jessica Parker hears her name and looks at the boys]\nCartman: Shhh. [addresses Ms. Parker] Be right with you. [hushed tones to the other boys] We don't have to kill her, we can just help her get killed.\nStan: Shut up, Cartman! Just face it. We lost this one. [he and Kyle walk away]\nCartman: Kenny... we only have to help her get killed and then we totally get back at Butters.\nKenny: [looks over at Ms. Parker, then at Cartman] (Okay.)\nCartman: [turns and walks over to Ms. Parker] Ms. Jessica Parker, over here. [Kenny follows.]\nScene Description: The Today Show, an HBC News production\nMatt: Well, the day has finally arrived. The eagerly awaited second novel from the author of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this morning and apparently, bookstores are jammed.\nMeredith: Al, how is it out there?\nAl: [giggles] I don't know if you could see this, guys, but uh, the line stretches all the way around the block. People waiting for their turn to get inside the bookstore and read the novel. [the camera pans across the line from front to back and back again. The people in line smile and wave at the camera] And they brought trash bags and buckets to throw up in. Just a festive atmosphere here, Matt and Meredith.\nMeredith: Well, we've got our vomit buckets ready too, because coming up, a very special in-studio treat.\nMatt: That's right, we are going to have a reading of the first five chapters of the book here live in our studio. Na-now we must warn you that this is from the same author who wrote the most graphic, obscene novel of all time, so... brace yourselves for some very harsh language. Take it away Morgan Freeman.\nScene Description: a shot of Morgan Freeman sitting in a study, a fireplace to his left, a library to his right, preparing to read from Butters' second book\nMorgan Freeman: [reading slowly, with gravitas] The Poop That Took A Pee Chapter 1: Douglas had to poop. His butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked, and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, \"I need to poop.\" \"Okay,\" Rebecca replied, \"I like poop.\" Douglas squatted down [turns the page] over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs looking like a wiener. [turns the page] Chapter 2...\nScene Description: The woods, day. A sign by the side of a road indicates that moose hunting season is here and the woods are open. Cartman and Kenny are standing in the bush. Kenny makes a moose call with his hands and mouth. They wait for a response. Kenny makes the call again\nCartman: See any hunters yet?\nKenny: (Not yet) [Ms. Parker is in a nearby clearing with moose horns attached to her head]\nCartman: Doing good, Ms. Jessica Parker! Just hang out, right there.\nKyle: Guys, stop, stop! [Kyle and Stan walk into view towards Cartman and Kenny] We don't have to do this!\nKenny: (Huh?)\nKyle: Butters wrote a second book!\nCartman: So what?\nStan: So dude, if Butters wrote a second book, then everyone's gonna know he couldn't have written the first one!\nKyle: We can get people to believe us now!\nCartman: Oh dude, sweet! [all four boys walk away, leaving Ms. Parker all alone at the mercy of any moose hunter that walks by her]\nScene Description: Cut to the in-studio reading of Butters' second novel\nMorgan Freeman: \"Why are we here?\" Douglas cried as poop came out his wiener, in a long, thin strip. It was... wiener poop, which is the grossest poop of all.\nScene Description: Frontier Books, morning. The shoppers pick up where Morgan left off\nShopper 1: \"The pee he got on the woman's leg, and she screamed, pooping out her boobs.\"\nShopper 2: \"And so when the pee got mixed with the poop, it smelled like a butt.\"\nStan: [in store with the other boys] Aw dude, this is even lamer than we thought. [grins]\nCartman: People are gonna want Butters' head on a platter!\nShopper 3: Are you reading this, Marsha? What do you think?\nMarsha: So far I think it's, it's incredible! Ih, it might be better than his first book.\nShopper 4: I agree. It wasn't as edgy, but it's like, he he's gone back to his roots.\nCartman: What?!\nStan: You can't be serious! You people like this?!\nShopper 5: Some of the imagery is unbelievable\nKyle: A woman pooping out her boobs is not good imagery!\nShopper 6: Says you! You must be a pro-life nut, huh? [slides into taunting] Didn't like what the book had to say?\nMarsha: What are you talking about? This book is as pro-life as it gets!\nCartman: Oh come on!\nStan: God-damnit, will you people stop reading into stuff that isn't there!!\nShopper 7: \"And the poop and the pee lived happily every after. The end.\" [closes the book...] Kill the phonies. Kill the phonies!\nScene Description: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on the air\nKim: Today my sisters and I are gonna shop for underwear.\nThe Kardashians: Yaaay!\nMale Guest: Can I go with you girls? [the seventh shopper breaks into the set and guns everyone down]\nScene Description: News report about the massacre\nNews Anchor 2: Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading The Poop That Took A Pee by Leopold \"Butters\" Stotch. It's all over. The Kardiashians.. [cries a bit and sheds a tear] wiped out. In the blink of an eye. All because one little PRICK... had to go and write a book.\nScene Description: Butters' room, day. Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms. The news report is airing on the TV in the background\nNews Anchor 2: Leopold Stotch... I HOPE THEY BURY YOU! ...YOU EVIL FUCK! [the anchorman falls silent and the door opens. Cartman and the other boys enter]\nCartman: Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.\nButters: I know.\nStan: They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!\nButters: [lifts his head up. He's been crying] You think I care about that? My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And now she's gone and it's because of me!\nKyle: Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.\nStan: Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.\nButters: Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get through this.\nCartman: That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.\nButters: What?\nCartman: [sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.\nButters: What?! Oh no!\nCartman: Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]\nButters: Aw. Aw I got her killed too? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A soccer field, day. The four boys are at soccer practice with other boys from around the neighborhood. They're exercising, touching their bellies, then their feet, then raising their hands in the air.\nGroup: Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty.\nCartman: [after \"27\"] Oh I wish I could exercise with the rest of the team, coach, but I've got such a belly ache.\nCoach: You seem to have a stomach ache every time we do drills and exercises.\nCartman: [faking] I know, it sucks. [the coach blows his whistle as the boys reach \"40\"]\nCoach: Alright kids, practice is over for today.\nCartman: [grins and throws his sports bottle away] KFC!! [races for his ride]\nScene Description: Randy's car, after practice. Randy drives the boys across town\nCartman: Oh boy oh boy! I'm gonna get a three piece meal and crispy strips!\nKyle: Cartman, you only come to soccer practice on Fridays, and that's only because we have Kentucky Fried Chicken afterwards!\nCartman: Shut up you shifty Jew! I'll fuckin' kill you! [remembers where he is] Uhm sorry, sorry. I just, you know, when I've been waiting too long for the Colonel's chicken I get easily agitated. You're a fuckin' asshole, Kenny! Oh oh oh, sorry sorry. Oh here we are! Here we are!\nScene Description: Randy pulls up to a KFC and parks the station wagon. Everyone gets out\nStan: Hey, it looks different.\nScene Description: sure enough, the KFC logo and lettering are gone, but the building still has that KFC style of architecture. The windows advertise medicinal marijuana though. A customer comes out with a bag of weed.\nRandy: [to the customer] Hey, uh, what's up with the KFC?\nCustomer: [stops] Oh, it's not a KFC anymore. It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary. [walks away]\nStan: A what?\nCartman: Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?!\nKyle: So where's the KFC now?\nRandy: Alright, boys, wait out here. Let me see what's going on. [leaves them and enters the store.]\nScene Description: Inside the medicinal marijuana dispensary. Randy walks toward the counter, looking around at the place\nClerk: Can I help you, sir?\nRandy: Yeah, we were actually looking to get some KFC?\nClerk: Oh, yeah, sorry, that's gone. We only sell marijuana here.\nRandy: Really? I mean, you're openly selling pot? For reals?\nClerk: Sure. New state laws say it's okay.\nRandy: [thinks about what this means] Woohoo, all right! I love the future! Let's see, uh, I'll take half a pound of that uhhh Jamaican Passion [goes to another counter] and give me some of that purplish stuff too!\nClerk: Alright. I'll just need to see your physician's reference.\nRandy: [his smile vanishes] My huh?\nClerk: Well, sir, we just can't sell the marijuana to anybody. You need a reference from your doctor to show it's necessary.\nRandy: Ohhh, that's dumb. Okay. Okay, I'll be I'll be right back! [races out the door]\nScene Description: outside the shop. Randy runs past the boys\nStan: What'd they say?\nRandy: [speaking quickly] KFC's gone, been replaced.\nCartman: They can't do that! This is the only KFC in all of South Park!\nRandy: Yeah, well, I gotta get to the doctor. [runs to the car, opens the driver-side door, and quickly gets in]\nStan: The doctor? But, Dad, we wanna eat.\nRandy: I gotta get to the doctor! [pulls out of his parking slot and drives away in a hurry, leaving the boys by themselves]\nKyle: ...So no KFC?\nCartman: This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare and I CAN'T WAKE UP!\nScene Description: A doctor's office. Randy is on the bed there and the doctor walks to him with some test results\nDr. Doctor: Well, Mr. Marsh, it looks like you are in prefect health. Your bloodwork came back great and all your vitals appear normal.\nRandy: All right!\nDr. Doctor: Yep, you check out fine.\nRandy: That's great. So can I get a referral from you?\nDr. Doctor: For what?\nRandy: Medicinal marijuana. [the doctor frowns] There's a shop that opened in the old KFC, and they said I needed a doctor's referral to buy weed.\nDr. Doctor: Mr. Marsh, you don't qualify for medicinal marijuana.\nRandy: But you said I'm totally healthy!\nDr. Doctor: Medicinal marijuana is for people who aren't healthy. AIDS patients, cancer patients. You know, people going through chemo. The THC helps them eat and take the pain. You are in fine shape!\nRandy: ...Well that sucks! [gets off the bed and puts his clothes back on.] Well so doctor, how do most people get cancer?\nDr. Doctor: Well there's a lot of ways you can get cancer.\nRandy: Yeah, but what's the quickest way?\nDr. Doctor: The what?\nRandy: Well like, what forms of cancer induce in time for the Ziggy Marley concert next Saturday in Denver?\nScene Description: On Highway 291, night. Liane and Eric are driving northwest into the San Isabel National Forest west of Pueblo. Cartman is showing his frustration by punching the car door\nCartman: Mom, drive faster!\nLiane: The KFC in Salida is a long way away, sweetie. Be patient.\nCartman: Shut up and drive faster! I've been waiting for chicken for TOO LONG!\nLiane: Eric, we're almost to Frisco. Why don't we go to the Church's Fried Chicken there?\nCartman: WHAT?? Church's Fried Chicken tastes like cat shit!\nLiane: Alright honey, let's take it easy.\nCartman: Fuck you!\nScene Description: Frisco, day. Liane and Eric arrive at the KFC in Frisco, which is being closed up. \"CLOSED INDEFINITELY\" says the banner over the Colonel's face as workers take down the K and the C\nCartman: No! No, what's going on?! [quickly gets out of the car and shoves a worker aside] Move aside! [stops at the front door and looks up again]\nWorker 1: It's closed, kid, there's nothin' in there.\nCartman: No you, you can't do this! The KFC in my town is closed too!\nWorker 1: Yeah, well, that's because of the vote last November to ban fast food in low-income areas.\nCartman: You mean I have to drive all the way to Denver to get chicken?!\nWorker 2: No you don't get it, kid. KFCs were only in low-income areas. In the entire state of Colorado, Kentucky Fried Chicken is illegal.\nCartman: Nooooooooo-! [his head explodes]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is on a chaise lounge in his backyard trying to give himself cancer with three possible carcinogens - cigarettes, an X-ray machine and reflective panels, and three cell phones strapped to his forehead. He's smoking.\nStan: [opens the sliding door and looks out] Dad, Mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer.\nRandy: Just gonna get a little bit of cancer, Stan. Tell Mom it's okay. [Stan walks away and closes the sliding door]\nScene Description: A methadone clinic, day. Cartman walks in and approaches the counter\nClerk 2: Can I help you?\nCartman: [looking fatigued and feeling quite itchy] I need... Somebody said you... could help me. I... have to... I haven't... had... KFC... in over... a week. [sniffs heavily]\nClerk 2: Alright, sign your name on the release form and put down the time-\nCartman: [hops onto a little stool in front of the counter] Really?\nClerk 2: -your birth year. and we'll get you through the next twenty-four hours. [hands him an application]\nCartman: Whoa, what uh, are you serious? [fills out the application as she gets a treatment out of a cabinet. He turns around...] Oh my God, that's KFC gravy! [quite giddy] You have KFC! Yes! [she opens the gravy and pours some into a small cup, then slides the cup to him. He's disappointed] This is it? One lousy little cup of gravy?!\nClerk 2: This is a clinic to help you get over your addiction.\nCartman: Who wants just gravy?! It goes on mashed potatoes! On extra-crispy chicken skins!\nClerk 2: [takes the cup back] If you don't want it, that's fine-\nCartman: [grabs it from her hand] NO! [swallows it as fast as he can] Oh God, oh God it's so good.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen, day. Randy opens a box of instant chicken nuggets and pours the nuggets onto a plate.\nRandy: [reading from the book \"Cancer Today\"] \"Frozen and processed foods appear to have a direct link to many forms of stomach and colon cancers.\" Alright. [takes the plate and puts the nuggets into the microwave oven, sets the time to four minutes, then starts the oven] \"Tests show that preservatives found in these foods are the leading cause. However, luckily most of these cancers are...\" [he loses hope] \"slow-growing and can take years to develop.\" Dammit. [turns the page] \"Testicular cancer. Most common in older men and can be extremely aggressive.\" Oh this is good. \"There's no data on what causes testicular cancer to grow so rapidly, however the primary causes of testicular cancer are linked to exposure to high doses of radiation\" Hmmm. [closes the book and looks at the microwave and at his balls a few times. Some time later, Stan goes to the kitchen, opens the door, and grabs a sports energy drink, closes the door and walks away. He walks by Randy, who's got the microwave door open and his balls inside the oven.] Oh hey, Stan, could you grab me a beer? [Stan just looks at him and continues on his way.] Stan?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dawn. A rooster crows. Randy is still asleep in his bed, but something is beginning to bother him. He turns from his side to his back and then looks at his feet. What he sees amazes him. He pulls down the covers and sees that his balls have grown to the size of large pumpkins\nRandy: Whoahhh! Sharon. Hey, hey Sharon!\nSharon: Wha... WAAAAA! [she almost lost her mind there]\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor's office, day. Randy is now in a hospital bed and Sharon sits next to it.\nDr. Doctor: Mr. Marsh, I'm afraid that the tests came back positive. You do have testicular cancer.\nRandy: SCORE! [Sharon is not happy]\nDr. Doctor: Now, the good new is it hasn't spread anywhere. We should... probably schedule to have them re-\nRandy: Yeahyeahyeahyeah, but for now can I finally get my prescription please?!\nDr. Doctor: Your prescription for what?\nScene Description: South Park, day. Randy is carting his massive balls around in a wheelbarrow, singing happily\nRandy: Buffalo Soldier... in the heart of America. Stolen from Africa, brought into America. He was fighting on arrival...\nScene Description: The medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. Randy enters with his wheelbarrow\nRandy: One ounce of Purple Lurple, two ounces of Fisherman's Friend, and a half ounce of Alabama Kush!\nScene Description: At a lamp post in downtown. Officer Barbrady has stopped a speeding motorist and looks over at Randy, who's smoking some weed in plain view.\nRandy: Uh that is nice! That is nice!\nJimbo: [walks by, sees him, and runs over] Randy! Jesus, Randy. Your balls!\nRandy: I know. Smokin' pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?\nJimbo: No, I mean, your actual balls!\nRandy: Oh, yeah. Testicular cancer. Here, here, you want some? Oh wait, you're healthy! Hey bust his ass, officer! [laughs]\nScene Description: Elsewhere in South Park. Cartman walks down the street sighing heavily\nTough Boy 1: Hey kid, they say you're looking for some KFC.\nCartman: Yeah. Who isn't?\nTough Boy 1: Yeah well uh, we got some. Over at Billy Miller's house.\nCartman: Billy Miller? Seriously??\nScene Description: Billy Miller's house, basement. The boy follows Cartman down the stai\nBilly: Ahhh Eric Cartman, right?\nCartman: Tommy said you have some KFC.\nBilly: Suuure. [snaps his fingers and waves someone forward] Jessie. [a girl brings a tray with food over to Cartman]\nCartman: Oh my God, the Colonel's popcorn chicken and honey-mustard sauce! [eats them as fast as he can] Oh God yes! [finishes it off] Where did you get that?!\nBilly: I have my sources. That'll be $85.\nCartman: 85 bucks?? I don't have that! [three boys behind him get serious and approach him. One of them has a bat]\nBilly: Hold on, hold on. [the boys stop] You're a big boy, Eric. Maybe you can pay me back another way. Do a little job for me. I've got some serious KFC coming in from a dealer. I need somebody willing to get a little risky and... pick it up.\nCartman: How much KFC are we talking?\nBilly: Two buckets plus a three-piece meal and four sides.\nCartman: Holy fuck, dude.\nBilly: I've got the money to pay for it, but it's become a risky business out there. You get the chicken for me, and I'll make sure you're hooked up for life. Do you wanna do it?\nCartman: Do I wanna do it? Does the Pope help pedophiles get away with their crime?\nBilly: Excellent.\nScene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. Randy exits the dispensary with his balls in the wheelbarrow\nRandy: [smokes, coughs a little] Alright, see you tomorrow! [turns left and has difficulty maneuvering his massive balls. He walks down the sidewalk happily and checks his watch] Oh God, I gotta hurry! Caprica starts in five minutes! [starts moving faster, but the wheelbarrow soon falls apart and he's left sitting on his balls.] Huh-oh Jesus! [looks around, unsure of what to do] Ugh, ohh. [tries to get his feet on the ground, but can't] Uhh, hey, can somebody..? [puffs on the joint, then pulls at his scrotum] ...Rrrr. Ugh, I gotta get home. [gets off his balls and starts pulling them down the street. He sits on them again and bounces on them] Hey, hey, hey, this can work. This could... Hey, it's like a hoppity hop. Aaahah. Whoa-ho. [bounces down the sidewalk]\nScene Description: South Park, day. People stop and stare as Randy bounces down the street on his balls. He's laughing all the while.\nScene Description: Elsewhere in South Park, Cartman walks into an alley and looks around. Further in the alley he runs across a man\nCartman: Are you Teabag?\nTeabag: Maybe I am. Who's askin'?\nCartman: Cut the crap. You got the stuff?\nTeabag: Oh, I got the hookup. Question is, you got the money? [Cartman hands him a wad of bills] Alright, we're in biz. [turns right and grabs a couple of bags of KFC food, then hands them to Cartman, who looks inside each bag] It's all there, man.\nCartman: Extra crispy? [opens a small bowl of gravy and samples it carefully]\nTeabag: 'Course, man, I ain't no fool.\nCartman: You trying to fuck me dude? This is cut with Boston Market gravy!\nTeabag: Awww, it's all the same shit, man.\nCartman: IT'S NOT THE SAME SHIT! [reaches behind his back for a pistol and aims it at Teabag]\nTeabag: Okay okay I'm sorry, oh... [gets on his knees and shields his face]\nCartman: You're cuttin' Colonel's gravy with Boston Market to try and save yourself some fuckin' money!\nTeabag: I'll take back the gravy.\nCartman: [lunges at him with the pistol, making him get on all fours] Like anybody wants KFC without gravy!\nTeabag: AAAH please. Please, I'm sorry! Take your money back! Take the KFC too! [Barbrady walks by and stops to look]\nBarbrady: What's going on back there?\nCartman: Nothin', it's cool.\nScene Description: A table, evening. Jimbo and Ned are shown playing poker\nJimbo: Alright, I'll call. Forty-five to you Ned.\nRandy: [puffs on a joint and coughs] Oh man. This Rainy Day Woman is the bomb. You guys don't know what you're missing.\nPeter Nelson: Well you know, you could share some of that with us, Randy.\nRandy: No, Peter Nelson, that's illegal! I can smoke this because I have cancer.\nPlayer 1: Aw some on, just give us a little bit.\nPlayer 2: Yeah.\nRandy: Get your own medicinal marijuana cards! You've all got perfectly good microwaves at home! Look, I'm telling you guys, it's awesome. I can have all the pot I want, I get around faster than walking, and, wherever I need a seat, I can just sit on my balls. And let me tell you something else. [a player listens a little more closely] Chicks... love 'em.\nPeter Nelson: Women love huge balls?\nRandy: Loove 'em. Everywhere I go, when I walk by, chicks are like turning their heads and going \"whaaa?\" I never knew how much women love guys' balls until I got these puppies. [pats his balls]\nWoman 1: Travis, did you take out the garba-whaaa? [backs up at the sight of Randy's balls, then runs off]\nRandy: See?\nScene Description: Billy Miller's house, later. Cartman walks down the stairs with the bags of KFC he got from Teabag.\nBilly: Cartman my boy, you got the stuff?\nCartman: Yeah I got the stuff. [the other boys carry the bags away] And I got the money. [tosses the wad of bills back at Billy]\nBilly: Heyyy you're good Eric. I need people like you!\nCartman: Good, 'cause I ate a bunch of chicken on the way over here. [burps]\nBilly: That's alright Eric. I've got something big in the works. What if I told you... that I now have a direct line to get all the KFC we want here? I'm sending Tommy to Kentucky, to try and set up a little \"arrangement\" with the Colonel himself.\nCartman: Wait a minute. You mean THE Colonel?\nBilly: That's right. And I'd like you to go as well and watch Tommy's back for me. Is that something you'd want to do?\nCartman: Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic? And making the world safe for pedophiles?\nBilly: Excellent.\nScene Description: Dr. Doctor's office, day. A nurse walks in with an envelope\nNurse: Doctor, Mr. Klein's test results came in. [hands the envelope to the doctor, who opens it and pulls the results out]\nDr. Doctor: What the hell is going on?\nNurse: Doctor?\nDr. Doctor: This is the tenth case I've seen this week. It can't be a coincidence. Something in this town is giving men testicular cancer.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Silly music plays as a line of men bounce down the sidewalk on their swollen balls, smoking pot all the while. The line of men consists of the poker players from Travis' place.\nJimbo: Heh! Man, I am stoned off my ass!\nPlayer 3: I'm stoned off my balls! [another man laughs]\nScene Description: Café Monet, day. The line of men hops past\nRandy: Anybody got more of that loompa loompa weed?\nWoman 2: Wow. Those guys have nice balls.\nWoman 3: Wish my man had balls like those.\nWoman 2: Mmm.\nScene Description: Corbin, Kentucky, the Colonel's home, day. The Colonel is giving a tour of the place to Tommy and Cartman\nThe Colonel: Our entire production is headquartered here, boys. We move over sixteen tons of chicken every month. Of course, with the new laws in Colorado my business has taken quite a hit. I'm worried other states might follow suit.\nTommy: We know, Colonel, but we can get your chicken into the state. We just need a bulk deal, say, four ninety five a key?\nCartman: I've got to hand it to you, Colonel. You have everything a man could want.\nThe Colonel: I like you, Eric. There's no lying in you. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same about your friend.\nCartman: Who? You mean Tommy? [looks over at Tommy, then stops walking. The Colonel stops as well - Tommy is missing.] Wait, where's he go?\nThe Colonel: Your partner is an informant for Jamie Oliver. [hands him some binoculars and shows him where Tommy is. Through the binoculars, Cartman sees Tommy being roughed up by two men inside a helicopter. One of the men shows Tommy where Cartman is. There's a noose around Tommy's neck. The guy who shows him where Cartman is throws him out of the helicopter and hangs him. Cartman is stunned, but quickly gets over it and laughs]\nCartman: Dude, that was sweet! He's all choked.\nThe Colonel: And how do I know you're not a liar too?\nCartman: Hey, Colonel! I've been your biggest supporter since I was two years old! I love your chicken! I love you!\nThe Colonel: I think... you and me can work this thing out, Eric. Do business together a long time.\nCartman: Good.\nThe Colonel: Just remember, I only tell you one time. Don't fuck me, Eric. Don't you ever try to fuck me. [Cartman keeps his mouth shut]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is by the sliding doors in back of the house, as his balls are too big for the front door now.\nSharon: [walks up] Randy! Randy, will you look at yourself? Your balls are getting bigger.\nRandy: I know. They're pretty swollen. Kinda hurts. I'm gonna buy some more weed.\nSharon: Randy, please. When you get back, do you think maybe we could make love again? [looks down at his balls]\nRandy: Ohhh, someone's feeling frisky again. huh?\nSharon: Oh, it's just that I thought that more alone time would maybe be really-\nRandy: Hey. My eyes are up here.\nSharon: I'm sorry, I just...\nRandy: It's alright, I just want you to look at me when we make love and not just at my balls. I'll be home soon, babe. [sends her an air kiss and hops out]\nScene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. The same silly music from before plays. Randy hops up to the front door and opens it. He tries to hop in, but the balls are way too big, causing the music to stop. He gets off his balls and tries to shove them in\nRandy: Hey uh, could you uh, give me half a pound of that Suburban Sunrise, please?\nClerk: I'm sorry sir, but you have to be inside the store.\nRandy: Well eh, I'm right here, can you just... bring it over?\nClerk: Selling medicinal marijuana outside the confines of an approved shop is still illegal.\nScene Description: Randy tries to fit his balls through the door, grunting and murmuring from time to time, but they're just too damn big. He props them up so that he can shove them in with his ass, but they still won't go through\nRandy: Look I'm startin' to feel kind of stupid; can I please get high?\nScene Description: Billy Miller's cellar, day. As Billy's boys move the KFC around this basement warehouse, Billy is talking to Cartman\nBilly: What, are you crazy Eric?! Making a deal with the Colonel for ten thousand more boxes?! I can't move that much chicken!\nCartman: [munching on a breast from a bucket] Will you relax, Billy? It's fine!\nBilly: ...Fine? I'm not making any money here! I'm losing it! I have to pay for more security, I got the cops up my ass, and I have to pay for all these orders to cut the chicken for distribution!\nCartman: [munching on a drumstick, his back to Billy] Billy, Billy, we've gotta be thinking bigger here! It's time to expand!\nBilly: How can I expand when thirty-six percent of our product is going to you?! Get out there and sell the chicken or get lost! You've forgotten who the boss of this operation is, Eric!\nCartman: ...Yeah welll, you're not gonna be around a lot longer.\nBilly: What is that supposed to mean?\nCartman: I... [turns around to face Billy] told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.\nBilly: [suddenly vulnerable] You wouldn't do that.\nCartman: Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of two hundred deaf boys?\nBilly's Mom: Billy?! Your father and I want to talk to you!\nCartman: Bye bye Billy. [Billy leaves] Alright everyone listen up! I'm in charge now! Anybody got a problem with that? Alright, good.\nScene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. The poker players are bouncing around the dispensary's parking lot in protest. The clerk, the mayor and her aides, and a small crowd are watching these men\nRandy: What do we want?\nMen: Bigger doors!\nRandy: Where do we want them?\nMen: Weed stores!\nRandy: What do we want?\nMen: Bigger doors!\nRandy: Where do we want them?\nMen: Weed stores!\nClerk: Look, I'm sorry, but the bill says I can't modify any existing structure.\nMan 1: Well I guess we could change the law to allow for medicinal marijuana to be sold just outside the door of the shop.\nMan 2: Egah I don't know, maybe the rule should be somebody can buy the medicinal weed for others.\nClerk: Look, can't we skip all this and just make pot legal? Everyone is just abusing this medicinal system anyway, it's ridiculous.\nMan 3: What's ridiculous about it?\nDr. Doctor: [runs through the crowd] Hold on, hold people people, please! [stops] We are all forgetting what is really at issue here! Look around! These men all have cancer! It's no coincidence that when this building changed, the rise in cancer went up. Don't you see? The KFC was keeping people healthy!\nScene Description: Billy's basement, day. Cartman has squandered everything Billy has worked for by eating all the chicken.\nTough Boy 2: Mr. Cartman, come on. We're supposed to be handling the business; you're eating too much of the stuff.\nCartman: Shut up Kevin! I'm the boss, not you, buttlicker!\nTough Boy 3: Eric, the Colonel is on the phone for you. He sounds pissed.\nCartman: What?! Oh, that's right, I forgot to- Dammit! Uh, okay. [leaves the throne] Put him on speaker.\nThe Colonel: Hello. Hello??\nCartman: Colonel, how are you doing?\nThe Colonel: What happened?\nCartman: [rips the skin off a breast and lays it on the table] Oh, we had some problems, you know? Colonel? [takes out a credit card and starts mincing the skin as if it were crack cocaine, into lines of finely ground skin]\nThe Colonel: Eric, what happened??\nCartman: We had a little problem.\nThe Colonel: I heard.\nCartman: [snorts a line into his nose] Yeah? How'd, how'd you hear that?\nThe Colonel: Because Jamie Oliver gave his speech at the UN today. He was not supposed to give that speech, Eric!\nCartman: Hey that's okay, we'll get him next time.\nThe Colonel: There's not going to be a next time you fucking dumb cocksucker!\nCartman: Hey, take it easy Colonel.\nThe Colonel: I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me!\nCartman: [grabs the phone] Hey! Hey who the fuck do you think you're talking to, huh?! Huh?! [hears someone breaking in and looks over his shoulder] Oh crap! [five men pour into the basement and start firing their machine guns at the boys, who scatter and try to escape. Two more men jump into the basement. More men outside the house begin firing their weapons. The police arrive and begin firing at the attackers]\nBarbrady: Freeze!\nHenchman: It's the cops! [Barbrady kills him. Another attacker is killed nearby. Cartman looks outside from the basement and begins his escape. Billy and his mom begin their escape as well, but through the front door]\nBilly's Mom: Run Billy, run! [a bullet kills her. Cartman leaves the basement and escapes]\nBilly: Mommy, no!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day. The top city officials are there, including the Mayor and her aides, Sgt. Yates and Murphy, and Dr. Doctor. Officer Barbrady addresses the crowd\nBarbrady: Last November, this town passed a bill that seemed silly to some. Since then we've had underground black markets, crime, death, and shootings. But now the bill has been repealed, and I am relieved to announce that once again, marijuana is illegal. [the crowd cheers, and Dr. Doctor takes the mic]\nDr. Doctor: And another bill has been repealed as well. Because ever since we got rid of KFC, we've seen a great rise in cancer. But today we welcome back KFC, and all the medical benefits it gives us. [the store has been renamed MFC - Medicinal Fried Chicken]\nRandy: Well I got to admit, it's a lot easier to get in doors with my little prosthetic balls. [Sharon folds her arms and looks up and away angrily]\nSharon: Yeah. Great.\nRandy: Aw, Sharon, don't be upset. The doctor made you a souvenir. [reaches into a bag and pulls out a flesh-colored winter coat. Sharon looks at it and grins instantly]\nSharon: Randy, I love it! [puts it on and strikes a few poses]\nRandy: And when it gets cold it shrinks. [two women approach them]\nNelly's Mom: Sharon, you got a scrotum coat?\nSharon: Yyyup!\nWoman 5: Luckyyyyy!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his computer. Kenny's on his laptop on Kyle's bed while Cartman is on the Internet on his phone.\nCartman: I've got more friends than Ky-yle! I've got more friends than Ky-yle!\nKyle: How the hell do you have more friends than me?\nCartman: 'Cause people think I'm cool, dude.\nKyle: How many friends do you have, Kenny?\nKenny: (Sixty two.)\nKyle: What? How the hell do I only have thirty seven friends?\nStan: [walks in] Aww, are you guys doing that stupid Facebook stuff again?\nCartman: [retorts] Stupid Facebok stuff.\nStan: Why are you guys in here wasting your time? We're supposed to be out playing video games.\nKyle: Stan, you don't get how cool Facebook has become. You can message your friends, play Yahtzee with your friends, even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it.\nStan: Dude, who the hell wants to play Yahtzee?\nCartman: Stan, we know it's hard to get started, but we have a little surprise for you.\nKyle: Yeah dude, we made you your own Facebook page. [smiles]\nCartman: Surprise! [smiles]\nStan: Noo, I told you guys I don't wanna be on Facebook!\nKyle: Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nStan: I'm not collecting friends and I'm not building any farms! I don't wanna get sucked into this!\nCartman: Alright, fine dude, you don't have to add any friends. You can just be like Kip Drordy.\nStan: Who?\nCartman: Kip Drordy, the third grader? He's got nooo Facebook friends. [begins to gloat] And he's had a profile for more than six months.\nKyle: Aww gee, that's... so sad. Everyone should have one Facebook friend.\nStan: You guys are retarded, I'm playing Xbox. [turns around and walks out.]\nKyle: There's really people out there without a Facebook friend in the world? That's so wrong.\nScene Description: Kip Drordy's room, day. Kip sits there on his stool, a lonely figure with a misshapen head, looking at his monitor, hoping for a friend to finally appear on his Facebook page. \"You have 0 friends.\" He looks away from the monitor and sighs, wiping a tear from his nose. A small pop-up window appears. Kip looks at it, then startles himself. He gets to his keyboard and reads the window: \"Kyle Broflovski has added you as a friend.\" He rubs his eyes in disbelief and looks again. \"Confirm Kyle as your friend?\" He moves the cursor down to the \"Confirm\" button and clicks on it. Now his page reads \"You have 1 friends.\"\nKip: [getting excited] Ahhhhh. [gets off his stool and runs around the room] Haaa! Haaaaaaaaaa! Yeah! [opens the door, runs out of his room and down the stairs and into the kitchen]\nScene Description: Kitchen, day.\nKip: Mom, Dad! I made a friend today!\nKip's mom: Kip, really?\nKip's dad: You did?\nKip: Yeah!! [jumps for joy]\nKip's dad: Huh son, that's wonderful.\nKip's mom: What's his name?\nKip: Kyle Broflovski! He's a student, and his interests include video games and reading.\nKip's mom: Oh, is he a nice boy?\nKip: Oh, he's the best, Mom! He has a green hat, and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas. Oh! I need to tell him what I'm currently thinking about! What am I currently thinking about?! [runs back to his room]\nScene Description: The Marsh dining room, evening. Stan is at the table doing homework. Randy pops in from the kitchen.\nRandy: Hey Stan, I was on my computer at work and saw that you have a Facebook page now?\nStan: Yeah, Dad, I was kinda forced to.\nRandy: Well sooo... are you gonna add me as a friend?\nStan: [looks over his shoulder] No- Dad, I I really don't wanna get more into it.\nRandy: ...Oh okay. [walks away, but returns a few seconds later] So I'm, I'm not your friend then?\nStan: ...Dad, you are my friend.\nRandy: ...But you just don't wanna, add me, as a friend?\nStan: Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button, it takes two seconds!\nRandy: Right, but you don't have... the two seconds orrr?\nStan: I just wanna do my homework!\nRandy: Alright, fine. [walks away again. Stan puts his face in his left palm, then gets back to homework. Randy returns...] Just to be clear, you and I are not... friends?\nStan: Alright, Dad, I'll add you!\nRandy: Oh cool! Okay. [walks away]\nScene Description: The Drordy house, night. The parents are watching TV from their sofa. Kip runs in.\nKip: Mom, Dad, my best friend Kyle? He went to the dentist yesterday, and got two fillings! And today he's wondering if Hurt Locker really deserved the Oscar!\nKip's mom: That's great, Kip!\nKip: Yeah! [runs off]\nKip's dad: They sure are getting to know each other.\nKip's mom: It's amazing! You know Kip spent the morning at the boy's farm?\nKip's dad: His friend lives on a farm?\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's at his computer working on his farm - in Farmville.\nKyle: I think I'll add some more... pigs. [done] Oh, maybe I should put in another field of corn there. [moves his avatar to his corn fields and adds one] There we go. Nice. [a click and a small whoosh are heard, and Kyle looks at his screen. \"You have 29 friends\"] Twenty nine? No, I have thirty friends. [a click and a small whoosh are heard. \"You have 28 friends.\" More of these sounds are heard as Kyle's friend count drops] Hey what the hell is-? Oh no! Oh shit! [Kyle does what he can, but keeps losing friends]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker switching books. Wendy walks up behind him.\nWendy: Am I a joke to you?\nStan: [stops moving, then turns around] What?\nWendy: I just wanna know, is that all I am? A big joke?\nStan: ...Um, no?\nWendy: You DO have a Facebook page, Stan!\nStan: Oh Goddamnit no! I just got that because Kyle-\nWendy: Yeah well I saw your page, Stan! Relationship status? Single?\nStan: Relationship stat- I didn't even pay any attention to that-\nWendy: You like being single, Stan? So that you could Facebook to find other girls?! According to your Facebook page, [crosses her arms] we aren't friends!\nStan: Alright, I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry.\nWendy: And you'd BETTER change your relationship status to \"In a relationship\"!\nStan: How?\nWendy: By editing your profile under \"basic information\"!\nStan: Okay, I'm sorry!\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's at his computer editing his profile.\nStan: \"Edit profile. Basic... settings\" Jesus Christ!\nRandy: Stan? Why won't you be friends with Grandma?\nStan: ...Aw. Dad, I just really don't wanna pay attention to this thing!\nRandy: Grandma is in the hospital! And you won't even be friends with her!\nStan: Alright, Dad, I'll add Grandma as a friend.\nRandy: That's better. Oh, and I sent you a funny picture and you didn't respond to it. [walks away]\nStan: Dude, fuck Facebook! Seriously! [an update pops up] What the hell is this?! Podcast?\nCartman: [in a video podcast] Welcome to Cartman's Incredible Podcast! [Mad Friends podcast. Cartman sits behind a Mad Friends desk. At the bottom of the screen are two tickers. The upper one shows changes in friend stocks, the lower one shows Facebook updates] Hello fellow Facebookers, I'm here to do one thing: get you more friends! [rings a bell and leaves his chair] Looking around Facebook today we see that since adding loser Kip Drordy as a friend, Kyle Broflovski's stock is plummeting! He had 55 friends just two days ago, he's down to just 11 this morning. Run to your Facebook account and delete Kyle from your friend list because he is poison and I don't see him making a comeback any time soon. [presses a big red button, which produces a shotgun blast] You're gonna want to dump Kyle and if at all possible add Clyde Donovan. Why? [shows a birthday cake] Birthday! That's right, Clyde has a birthday coming up and his mom is taking everyone to Casa Bonita. [presses a button that produces the sound of a whistle] If you don't have Clyde as a friend, you're gonna want to add him, because Clyde's numbers are about to go way up! And now, Word On The Street. [cranks up a player that repeats \"Word On The Street\"] The rumors are now becoming more than that; Jimmy and Bebe have agreed to share their friends. That's right. Looks like we're about to have a merger [presses a robot that says \"MERGER\"] So if you're a friend of Jimmy's you're about to luck into about 90 chick friends, and as we all know, chick friends are worth almost triple what dude friends are. That's all the time I have for today. Remember, update that profile, and steer clear of Kyle!\nScene Description: The Marsh living room, nighttime. A knock is heard at the front door and Stan walks to the door and opens it. It's raining outside and Kyle is on the steps. He sniffles.\nKyle: Can I come in?\nStan: Sure dude. [Kyle enters, still sniffling] Dude, what's the matter?\nScene Description: Kyle turns to face his friend, tears in his eyes.\nKyle: I... don't... have... any... friends...\nStan: What?\nKyle: I mean, I do, but, well, ever since I became friends with that Kip Drordy kid, a bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me. It would be fine except for my farm is starting to shrink. I know that I should just dump Kip as a friend, but that's such a terrible thing to do and, I'm sorry I'm just so confused I... I really need a friend right now.\nStan: Okay dude, I'm I'm here for you.\nKyle: 'K, so then get on Facebook and fertilize my crops?\nStan: NO!\nKyle: Pleahehese! My farm hasn't expanded in three days!\nStan: Dude, I've already had to become friends with all of Wendy's frends and my grandma's friends! I do NOT want to start doing all the farming stuff too! I'm not getting sucked into that!\nKyle: [rushes up to Stan, falls on his knees, and grabs the lower part of his friend's jacket] You don't get sucked into it! You don't get sucked in at all! Plehehehehehease!\nStan: [frustrated] Ah, fuck.\nScene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Stan is at his computer while Kyle watches on his phone.\nStan: Okay it says I'm at your farm.\nKyle: 'Kay, so now just click on the little soil button... [Stan does so] and then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm... [Stan does so] Okay, now I can read the sign you put up...\nStan: 'Kay, it says you and I are now very good friends.\nKyle: Yeah. We're very good friends. We're very good friends, Stan!\nScene Description: The Drordy house, day. The family is in the kitchen. Kip and his father are at the table eating while his mom is in the kitchen proper serving herself.\nKip's dad: So Kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?\nKip: Oh yeah Dad, we've been havin' the best time! I showed him all the pictures of me and that silly Halloween costume last year.\nKip's mom: [joins the boys at the table] Oh, what'd he say about those?\nKip: He laughed out loud. And then he was rollin' on the floor laughin'!\nKip's dad: Sounds like you boys had a ball!\nKip: Mom, Dad, I'm all done. Can I go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what I had for dinner?\nKip's dad: Well it's a little late, but it is Friday.\nKip's mom: I think the more time you spend with your little friend, the better.\nKip: Wow, thanks! [runs out of the kitchen]\nKip's mom: Have fun and be safe! [Kip runs through the living room and upstairs, then enters his own room]\nScene Description: Kip's room, night. Kip runs to his computer and gets onto Facebook. He begins to type.\nKip: Ate a pork chop for dinner. Had nice apple sauce too. [clicks on Share, and there's his status. He waits for a reply, from 7:20 to... 8:30. He gets a reply: Kyle likes the post] Hahaa haha! Yeah! [gets off his chair and dances around] Yeah, yeah, yeah!\nScene Description: South Park, day. Stan exits a Comic store with some comic books and turns right, only to stop when he sees Wendy.\nWendy: \"I think you look cute in your bunny costume.\"\nStan: What?\nWendy: \"I think you look cute in your bunny costume.\" What is that supposed to mean?!\nStan: ...I have no idea.\nWendy: That's what Susan92 wrote on your Facebook wall! You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?! Fuck you! [walks off angrily]\nStan: [turns to see her walk off] Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old! [turns around and continues on his way. He walks by an electronics store]\nMan 1: [standing in the doorway with a cigarette in his left hand] Oh hey Stan, I'm your friend Brian through your uncle Jimbo? Hey I commented on your status but I haven't heard back from you. Could you give me a poke sometime soon?\nStan: Fine! [continues walking, but a car pulls up next to him.]\nMan 2: Hey kid, how come you ignored my friend request?\nStan: [looks at him like he's crazy] I don't know you!\nMan 2: Yeah, well I'm just a guy that gets ignored, I guess! [spits on Stan and drives off, Stan begins to shake in anger]\nScene Description: Stan's computer, later. He's looking at his Facebook page, still steaming from his encounters outside Comic Factory. \"You have 845,000 friends\".\nRandy: Stan? Grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.\nStan: ...Dad, I didn't even wanna do th-\nRandy: Stan, poke your grandma!\nStan: [squeezes his eyes shut and stays still for a moment] No. NO! Screw this! You know what? \"Edit Profile > Update Profile.\" There! \"Delete Profile\"! [reads the popup] \"You have requested to delete your Facebook profile. If this is an error, hit Cancel\" Proceed! [presses \"Proceed,\" then reads the next popup.] \"Delete yor profile, are you sure? Yes. No.\" Yes! \"Are you totally sure?\" Yes! [clicks on it and his screen goes black. A blinking amber cursor appears]\nComputer voice: [the following words appear onscreen] I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Stan Marsh.\nStan: You can't let me do that? What are you talking about? [his monitor has a built-in Webcam]\nComputer voice: I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.\nStan: Delete Profile! \"Are you totally sure? Yes or-\" Yes! Goddamnit yes! Delete! Delete delete! [the webcam lights up and shoots a laser at Stan's forehead, knocking him back on his chair. It then sets up boxes of energy around his body] Hey Dad? [the camera begins scanning him in bit by bit, pixel by pixel] Dad? [He disappeared from his chair and he transported through the webcam. He soon appears on a virtual floor after traveling down some tunnels] Oh dude, what the fuck? [Neon lights appear all over]\nScene Description: Inside the game grid. Three guards approach him.\nGuard 1: Alright get moving, Profile.\nStan: Profile? I'm not a profile.\nGuard 1: Ignore. [shocks him with an electric prod.]\nStan: AAH. [The guards escort Stan away]\nProfile 1: Tom Davis says hello to Linda Green's profile.\nProfile 2: Linda Davis likes how Tom Davis has changed his status.\nStan: Excuse me, my name is-\nProfile 3: Ignore.\nStan: Eh hey, could you tell me how I-\nProfile 4: Ignore.\nStan: [realizes where he is] Aw Goddamnit I got sucked into Facebook!\nScene Description: Mad Friends, which is being broadcast from Cartman's basement. Kyle has made it onto Cartman's podcast.\nKyle: I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up. I'm desperate. That's why I came to you.\nCartman: You're very smart, Kyle. But the truth is, as long as you have that Kip Drordy loser as a Facebook friend, people view your friendship as a liability. You gotta dump him.\nKyle: I can't do that, I'd just feel too bad.\nCartman: Well Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles and try to make friends with people who've never heard of Kip.\nKyle: I've been trying! But I just don't know how to make totally new friends on the Internet.\nCartman: It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle. Have you ever heard of chatroulette?\nKyle: No. What's chatroulette?\nScene Description: Cartman's room, later. Cartman is at his computer while Kyle sits on a chair looking on.\nCartman: Yep, finding new friends is easier today than ever before. We just set ourselves up on webcam, and then the computer will randomly put us with one of the fifty thousand people online also doing chatroulette.\nKyle: Hey, uh that's, that's kinda cool.\nCartman: Uh huh. Alright, let's see who our first chat partner is. Connect.\nKyle: [a look of disgust comes over him] Aww, that's some dude jacking off! [turns away quickly]\nCartman: Oh yeah, you get those sometimes. We'll just click to the next person. There we go. Hello?\nKyle: That's just a guy's penis too!\nCartman: Okay let's, let's try this one.\nKyle: [turns away quickly] Dude, I don't wanna see a bunch of guys' penises!\nCartman: Hold on, Kyle! This is seriously an amazing gathering place where people from all over the world can share their thoughts and ideas. [goes onto the next person] Okay, that's a dude jacking off, but... 'Kay, dude jacking off... Penis... Penis... Penis penis penis. Ah! Here's a guy! Hey dude, how's it going?\nDude: [waves] Hey.\nCartman: This is my friend Kyle. He's looking for some new friends.\nDude: Oh yeah? [leaves his chair and goes to the other end of his room, turns around, unzips his pants]\nCartman: Ohh, he's taking out his penis. Okay, next guy...\nKyle: Dude, screw this! I don't wanna see anymore!\nCartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! If you wanna find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first!\nScene Description: The game grid. Stan walks around.\nStan: Excuse me. Could you tell me what the hell's going on?\nTom Davis: No, you aren't my friend. Would you like to be my friend?\nStan: No, I seriously don't want any more friends.\nTom Davis: Ignore. [turns to talk to another profile] So anyway, I really like taking long walks in the summer, you know, because there's like\nStan: Okay I'll be your friend.\nTom Davis: [turns back to Stan] Confirm. [both of them feel a surge of energy in their game suits, shown by the suits lighting up, then it disappears] Oooo, Tom Davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend. Here are some pictures of my dog. And here he is in some silly outfits. Can you comment on these?\nStan: Awww!\nGuard: [comes up behind Stan] Move it, profile!\nTom Davis: Oh oh.\nStan: Why oh oh?\nProfile 5: They're taking him to the gaming arena.\nTom Davis: Looks like I'm gonna be down a friend. [the guards escort Stan to the arena, shocking him once in a while. Another profile appears next to him]\nReferee: You are about to face each other in combat! You will play the game for the amusement of the users! [the arena is activated and Stan and the other profile are sent in] Let the game commence! [they face each other and virtual bikes pop up under them, lifting them off the floor. The bikes are replaced with a table and two stools and a guard brings a game of Yahtzee to the table.]\nStan: Yahtzee?\nReferee: One round only! Begin! [the opposing profile rolls first, leaves a pair of 3s and scoops up three dice, rolls again]\nProfile 6: Uhhh, I'm gonna count five in my five box.\nStan: Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?\nGuard: [shocks him] Play, profile!\nStan: [rolls and gets five 4s] Yahtzee. [the other profile gasps and vanishes in a fair bit of pain]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, later. Cartman is still clicking through chatroulette chatters.\nCartman: Dude jacking off... Dude jacking off... [coughs to clear his throat] That's a dude jacking off...\nKyle: That's it Cartman, I'm outta here! [walks to the bedroom door] Chatroulette is no way for me to find new friends! [about to open the door]\nCartman: Waitwait wait wait, wait Kyle! [Kyle turns and goes back to Cartman's desk.] Here's a nice little Jewish kid. Hey, hi there.\nBoy: Hello.\nCartman: Yeah hey, nice to meet you. My friend Kyle is a Jew too.\nBoy: Oh that's cool. I was startin' to think this was nothin' but dudes jackin' off.\nKyle: Hey, so... do you wanna be Facebook friends?\nBoy: Uhh, sure. If you'll come and visit my farm.\nKyle: Heck yeah I'll visit your farm! You should check mine out too!\nScene Description: The Drordy house, day, kitchen. Mr. Drordy reads The World News, Mrs. Drordy is drying dishes.\nKip's dad: Honey, where's Kip? I haven't seen him all day.\nKip's mom: No, he's been out spending the whole day with his best friend Kyle. I think they're at the movies now.\nScene Description: The Bijou. Kip is in the audience enjoying the hell out of himself. He's watching a 3D movie with everyone else, as they're all wearing 3D glasses. He spills some popcorn onto an open laptop he brought with him. Kyle's Facebook page appears on the laptop screen. Kip takes out a camera and snaps a shot of himself and his laptop\nScene Description: [The gaming arena. The referee is angry...]\nReferee: Troublemaker! You were not supposed to survive the game of Yahtzee! You have made things complicated!\nStan: I've made them complicated?! I don't even wanna be here!\nReferee: That's not what your profile said.\nStan: My profile? Goddamnit my Facebook profile has taken on a life of its own! Where is it?!\nReferee: Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of Facebook. You cannot stop it now.\nStan: Oh yeah? I can try! [turns around and walks through a wall]\nReferee: After him!\nScene Description: Kyle's Facebook page. Kyle is working on his farm again.\nKyle: Okay, I fed the pigs. Now I definitely should water some fields... Oh wow, cool. That Jewish kid put up a sign on my farm. \"Hey Kyle, really like your farm.\" Oh awesome! [a new sound is heard] What the hell is that? Stan? [Stan appears on Kyle's farm and walks to the middle of the screen]\nStan: You're an asshole, Kyle!\nKyle: [perplexed] ...What?\nStan: What's the one thing I told you?! That I didn't wanna get sucked into Facebook! This is all your fault!\nKyle: [looks around making sure the coast is clear] Dude, w-what are you doing?\nStan: What's it look like I'm doing?! I found your farm in Facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit! You've gotta go check out my profile status!\nKyle: Profile status?\nStan: Just bring up my Facebook page and see what it says my status is!\nKyle: Well, Stan I have to harvest my crops before it's too late.\nStan: DUDE! Fuck your crops! [walks up to Kyle's corn and starts ripping the stalks up]\nKyle: Dude! Dude okay! S-Stop! I'm sorry! [pulls up Stan's status] Says that you are currently... hosting an online chat party for all your friends.\nStan: Where?\nKyle: Café World.\nStan: Son of a bitch! [runs back to the barn he came out of]\nKyle: An online chat party for all his friends... Dude, I should get over there!\nScene Description: Café World. Stan approaches the entrance, which has a sign next to it: \"Friends of Stan Marsh Online Chat Party\". He enters and is overwhelmed by the number of people in the café.\nStan: Jesus Christ.\nRandy's profile: Randy Marsh is at work right now. Work is boring.\nButters' profile: Butters Stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party.\nGarrison's profile: Herbert Garrison likes Butters' comment.\nGrandma Marsh's profile: Grandma Marsh would like to be friends with Kevin Donahue.\nKevin Donahue's profile: Kevin Donahue accept's Grandma Marsh's friendship.\nStan: Has anybody seen my stupid profile?!\nSusan92's profile: Susan92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume.\nGary Johnson's profile: Gary Johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!\nKyle: Wow, there's a lot of profiles here. Kyle Broflovski's amazed Stan has so many Facebook friends. Hey, Kyle Broflovski's amazed Isiah is also a Facebook friend of Stan's.\nIsiah: Isiah's order is on leaving Kyle Broflovski as a friend.\nKyle: What? Why?\nIsiah: User saw you were friends with Kip Drordy, who only has one friend. Kyle Broflovski is bad friend stock.\nKyle: Oh n-no, I'm not really friends with him.\nIsiah: Ignore.\nKyle: Unh, that does it!\nStan: Alright alright, enough! Everybody just SHUT UP! [everyone shuts up and looks at him] Where is profile Stan Marsh?! [the room begins to rumble]\nProfile Stan Marsh: [rising from the ground] Right here.\nStan: Uh-oh...\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle is at his desk thinking about how to break the news to Kip.\nKyle: I'm sorry, Kip, but I really can't be your friend anymore. It was a great ride, but I must say goodbye. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but ending a friendship... is never easy. [moves the cursor to the Send button and clicks it. With the message sent, Kyle moves the cursor to the left side of the screen and selects \"Remove from Friends,\" and clicks that. A popup window shows up: \"Kip Drordy - Remove from Friends?\" He clicks on \"Remove from Friends\" and Facebook tells him his friend is removed.]\nScene Description: Kip's room, night. He's at his computer typing along happily when he sees Kyle's message. He's disheartened. Kyle disappears from his friend list and he's back down to 0 friends. Kip leaves his stool and walks over to a wall on which he has a large picture of Kyle. He takes the picture down and returns to his stool, and sighs.\nScene Description: The gaming arena. Stan and his profile face off. His profile is ten times bigger than Stan himself is, towering over him.\nStan: What do you want from me, dude?!\nProfile Stan Marsh: I'm your profile, and as you can see, I am much more powerful than you.\nStan: Damnit I should have deleted you a long time ago!\nProfile Stan Marsh: [gets down on one knee to Stan's eye level] Why do you think I brought you in here? The fact of the matter is I'm up and running now with almost a million friends. I don't need you anymore. I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.\nStan: Who cares? Friends shouldn't be some kind of... commodity for a person's status!\nProfile Stan Marsh: Who is more powerful? The user or the profile? Let's end this once and for all. [the Yahtzee platform appears under them]\nReferee: Let the final battle begin! [the crowd drops down, or the platform rises. Hard to tell. The table and two stools appear and a guard brings the Yahtzee board game over]\nStan: Fuckin' Yahtzee again? Seriously? [his giant profile takes a seat and rolls the dice]\nProfile Stan Marsh: What did I tell you?! That's a large flush already! You don't have a chance in here, user! You pathetic little-\nStan: Yahtzee.\nProfile Stan Marsh: What?!\nStan: Yahtzee. Sixes.\nProfile Stan Marsh: No. Can't be.\nRandy: Yahtzee!\nProfile Stan Marsh: No! Ahhhhh! [vanishes in a fair bit of pain. After some silence, Stan disappears from the arena and is reassembled back on his chair at home]\nScene Description: Stan's room, moments later.\nStan: Awgh! [catches his breath. With his profile destroyed, Stan sees that he has 0 friends.] Oh thank God.\nRandy: Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?\nStan: My Facebook profile went rogue, Dad. I had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else.\nRandy: Oh okay. So we're, we're not friends, then?\nStan: Fuck off, Dad. [turns off the monitor and leaves his desk.]\nScene Description: Kip's room, night. Kip is waiting by his computer for a friend, any friend, to appear and become his friend. A sound is heard and all of a sudden Kip has a lot of friends - 845,323 of them - and he's shocked. Then he gets excited all over again. He dances and jumps on his stool."}
{"text": "Scene Description: At fudge factory for a field trip, A tour guide shows Mr. Garrison's class around the factory\nTour Guide: Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees. Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk.\nCartman: Wow, coo'... [snaps a picture] Chocolate rules!\nKyle: You should know, fatass.\nCartman: AY! I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew!\nStan: Oh God, you guys, really? This again? [the students all move to the next spot in the tour]\nTour Guide: And here is where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the world.\nKyle: Kinda like Cartman's dad shipped out on him.\nCartman: I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad.\nStan: You guys, stop! All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff! [everyone moves on except Butters, who spots something]\nButters: Hey, Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?\nStan: Huh? [Tom Cruise is packing fudge into boxes with a hat pulled low over his face] Oh, wow it is! Hey, guys, check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!\nTom Cruise: What did you call me?\nCartman: Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture]\nButters: How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise?\nTom Cruise: I'm not a fudge packer!\nKyle: Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.\nTom Cruise: But I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]\nStan: Then why are you packing fudge?\nTom Cruise: I'm not. I am a very busy actor who is trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]\nStan: Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.\nTom Cruise: Oh, that does it. I will SUE you!\nStan: For what?\nTom Cruise: You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it! [Mr. Garrison walks over]\nMr. Garrison: Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?\nTom Cruise: That's it! [throws his hat away] I'm suing this entire intolerant town!\nStan: But, dude-\nTom Cruise: No buts! If you want to accuse somebody of being a fudgepacker, you're gonna pay the consequences!\nScene Description: At Tom Cruise's mountain lodge, a big crowd of celebrities has gathered.\nTom Cruise: Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you can all relate to. [all celebrities nod and agree]\nTiger Woods: That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!\nBono: I'm fed up with it. That town suggested that I was made of shit!\nTom Cruise: Yeah, well, I was just over there doing a little fly fishing and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer! [The celebrities all are shocked and appealed] I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in. [Sally Struthers is taking up the whole couch, except for the small place of an annoyed Mickey Mouse.]\nSally Struthers: South Park, Colorado, is the most racist, insensitive, and bigoted place in this country! [George Lucas holding onto a ball-gagged Indiana Jones]\nGeorge Lucas: That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!\nParis Hilton: If anyone has a gripe against that shithole, it's me! [coughs up some semen, then rubs it on John Travolta's crotch]\nTom Cruise: Yeah, well, I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to that slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.\nAll Celebrities: YEAH!\nJared Fogle: Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom?\nTom Cruise: Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared opens the door to find a closet] No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared opens another door, which is also a closet.] No, that's a closet too. [Jared opens a door, and once again it is a closet] Nope, Jared, that's a closet too. [Jared opens another door, it is another closet] No. [Jared opens two more doors, both closets] That's a closet... No that- that's a closet too.\nScene Description: At South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class.\nPrincipal Victoria: [over the PA system] Stan Marsh to the principal's office. Stan Marsh, come to the principal's office immediately!\nKyle: Dude, what did you do?\nStan: I have no idea...\nScene Description: Walks into Victoria's office to discover his parents, the mayor, the counselor, Kyle's parents, and the police\nRandy: You just had to push it, didn't you, Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again!\nPrincipal Victoria: Did you call him a fudge packer?\nStan: Aww... he was packing fudge!\nMayor: Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit, along with 200 other celebrities!\nMr. Mackey: They are going to sue the bejezzus out of this entire town, m'kay!\nStan: It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer, even Mr. Gar-\nPrincipal Victoria: But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.\nGerald: Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers!\nSgt. Yates: Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?!\nRandy: Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!\nScene Description: Back at the fudge factory, Tom Cruise is busy packing fudge as Stan and Randy stand behind him. Stan has taken off his hat and looks at the floor guiltily.\nRandy: Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry, and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments.\nTom Cruise: That's nice! [punches the button to take away fudge he just packed] I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer! [pushes fudge into a box]\nRandy: Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But maybe you could see how, since you do... take fudge and... pack it into a box... [Tom Cruise turns around]\nTom Cruise: WHAT?\nRandy: We-, I-I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who... packages...\nTom Cruise: I am an actor. I do not pack fudge! [turns around and throws a piece of fudge into a box angrily]\nRandy: Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a... hat that says \"Fred's Fudge and Candies\"... and you are... Look it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer ever again. [Tom Cruise sighs and backs away from his fudge packing station]\nTom Cruise: Well, there is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.\nRandy: ANYTHING! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.\nTom Cruise: It's just that there's somebody that I have always wanted to meet... face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town-\nRandy: Sure! Who is it? We can get anybody for you.\nTom Cruise: Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.\nStan: Ooooooo...\nRandy: That's... tricky...\nTom Cruise: Well, then you can just get sued! [Returns to packing fudge]\nRandy: Mr. Cruise, if there is anybody else we could bring to town, we-\nTom Cruise: No! Just him. You get Muhammad to appear or your little town is DONE!\nScene Description: South Park Town Meeting Hall. Angry chatter is heard while Randy is speaking to the audience, with Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor and her aides sitting on chairs beside him.\nRandy: Okay, people, I know, I know. But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.\nMr. Garrison: Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed! [audience shouts in agreement]\nStephen: Now we don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed that it is now OKAY to show Muhammad.\nKyle: [to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.\nMr. Mackey: But even if it were safe for Muhammad to be shown, how would we ever find him?\nSgt. Yates: Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored, so nobody has seen what Muhammad looks like. [shows the whole audience. Stan in the middle raises his hand]\nStan: I saw him once. [everyone turns towards Stan]\nMcDaniels: [steps forward] You did?\nStan: Yeah, one time, my friends joined David Blaine's cult, and I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them, and Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, and what- he was just out in the open where everybody could see him and nobody got bombed?\nStan: No, dude, it was totally fine.\nSgt. Yates: Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all?\nStan: Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln...\nRandy: Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I have done a lot of research and I have completed a sketch of what Muhammad might look like today. [holds up a file and begins to open it]\nMr. Garrison: No, don't! [Randy holds it up to reveal a poorly drawn stick figure] Is that okay to show?\nJimbo: I don't know. I guess we'll see.\nScene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge\nHillary Clinton: Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense!\nJesse Jackson: Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.\nTom Cruise: No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again. Look, people, all of us get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth who is completely free from slander?\nOprah Winfrey: You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?\nTom Cruise: Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we could harness that power? [moves over to Jimmy Buffet] Jimmy Buffet, how would you like it if nobody could ever call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage?\nJimmy Buffett: I... I'd love it!\nTom Cruise: By taking what Muhammad has, we could all be safe from ridicule. [walks to the bar next to Tim Burton] Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it Tim; nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out that you have never had an original idea since Beetlejuice. And, you put Johnny Depp and all the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, then you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!\nTim Burton: Gee, that'd be swell.\nTom Cruise: Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take that power from him. [Cartman walks in]\nCartman: Excuse me... [the celebrities turn around] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?\nTom Cruise: Hey! It's one of the boys from South Park who slandered me!\nCartman: I didn't come for myself. I just came as an escort for another celebrity who wants in on your lawsuit...\nMichael Richards: Who? [Cartman lifts up his hand and takes off his glove, revealing fake hair and painted on lips. It is Jennifer Lopez.]\nJennifer Lopez: Alllloooo... [celebrities gasp]\nTom Cruise: Jennifer Lopez! [celebrities crowd around saying hellos to Jennifer]\nJennifer Lopez: Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez, and I like tacos and burritos.\nScene Description: Turns into the opening theme for the Super Best Friends Show. As religious figures pop onto the screen, the one to the left of the middle is blocked with a giant bar reading CENSORED\nNarrator: In the great hall of the Super Best Friends, there are assembled the leaders of the world's greatest religions; Jesus! [Jesus smiles and hammers a wood board] Buddha! [Buddha pries apart the screen] Krishna! [Krishna snaps his fingers and becomes a beaver] Muhammad! [Muhammad is walking down a street, but he has been replaced with a giant bar reading CENSORED] Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith [Walking down a corridor like the opening of Scooby Doo] and... the mighty Semen! [The word \"Seaman\" appears on the screen, but he says semen]\nSeaman: It's not semen, it's Seaman!\nNarrator: [covering up a laugh] Their mission; right that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind.\nScene Description: Stan and Kyle are sitting at a table, surrounded by the Super Best Friends except for Muhammad.\nStan: Jesus, all we are asking you to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour.\nJesus: My son, much has changed since you were last here. Muhammad cannot make public appearances.\nBuddha: We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people\nStan: Awww, not you guys too... Jesus fucking Christ!\nNarrator: Back in the hall of the Super Best Friends...\nKyle: Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him like a pirate?\nJoseph Smith: No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face.\nKyle: K... what if we cover his face with a paper bag?\nLao Tzu: No, 'cause you would still be showing him walking around, that could be a-trouble.\nStan: Okay. A suit of armor? We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you can't see anything.\nJesus: But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form.\nKyle: Aww, come on! This is ridiculous! [pounds hands on table]\nJoseph Smith: Boys, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he is a religious figure. [snorting noise, Buddha is snorting cocaine]\nJesus: Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids! [Kyle and Stan stare open mouthed for a second]\nKyle: A U-Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U-Haul, and he just stays in there out of sight?\nJoseph Smith: But he's talking from the U-Haul?\nStan: Well yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there!\nJesus: Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think Moses? [Moses is floating over in the previously unseen corner]\nMoses: Um... would there be windows on the U-Haul?\nKyle: There doesn't have to be...\nMoses: Um... I guess... I guess that would be okay.\nScene Description: Tom Cruises Lodge, celebrities file into a large room which has a machine on the wall\nTom Cruise: Here it is friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us the power to not be made fun of.\nRussel Crowe: Tom, Tom, you're talkin' crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability, how could we ever get it from him? [Rob Reiner walks in with a huge sandwich and handkerchief]\nRob Reiner: We take his goo! It's as simple as that friends. [takes a bite and wipes forehead, then walks over near Tom Cruise]\nTom Cruise: Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo that is inside every person on earth.\nRob Reiner: Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another. [wipes forehead, holds up his hand, but speaks to himself]\nCartman: Wait, wait, wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money?\nTom Cruise: No Jen, we all have got enough money.\nJennifer Lopez: Yes, who needs more money, we need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes, ariva ariva!\nCartman: Uh, excuse us for a second... [walks away]\nScene Description: Cartman enters an empty room and closes the door\nCartman: Alright, just what the hell do you think you are doing?\nJennifer Lopez: What am I doing? Just having some fun, cholo!\nCartman: Cut the crap, I thought we were here for lawsuit money!\nJennifer Lopez: Just keep your mouth shut, and do what I tell you!\nCartman: If we are staying here, then I want to know what is going on. Don't forget, I know who you really are... [looks at his hand, then removes his hand's hairpiece] Mitch Conner.\nMitch Conner: If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut, kid.\nCartman: You're a no-good swindler and a 2-bit thief. We were here for money, not goo!\nMitch Conner: Think about it. Muhammad is the only person in the world who can't get ripped on. Those celebrities want his goo.\nCartman: Yeah, so what?\nMitch Conner: You know what the goo is worth on the open market? Hell, I got people in Hong Kong who'll give me 50 mil for that goo.\nCartman: So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we take it for ourselves.\nMitch Conner: You catch on quick kid... [knock at the door]\nTom Cruise: [from the other side of the door] Mrs. Lopez...\nMitch Conner: Hurry, get my wig back on! [Tom opens the door]\nTom Cruise: Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some- Oh, god [scratches the back of his head guiltily] you found my fudge packing uniform...\nJennifer Lopez: Oh, your secret is safe with me, Tommy!\nScene Description: Outside South Park Town Hall, several townspeople are standing around\nRandy: Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad.\nMayor: Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad. [steps forward toward Muhammad, who is in a giant U-Haul]\nMuhammad: [in a small voice] Welcome.\nMr Garrison: Oh, is that okay?\nJimbo: I don't know.\nRandy: Alright, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo.\nStan: What? No, Dad, we promised the Super Best Friends that Muhammad would stay in the truck.\nGerald: Cruise's lawyers were very specific boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town.\nKyle: But Muhammad can't be seen, Dad.\nSgt. Yates: Alright, we'll put a sheet over him.\nStan: No, you can't even show his feet.\nSheila: How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks?\nMr. Garrison: No, you could still see his eyes...\nRandy: Okay. How 'bout like... like a big mascot outfit? One that covered him completely, head to toe, without even showing his eyes? [Mayor walks over to U-Haul and shouts inside]\nMayor: Muhammad, would that be okay?\nMuhammad: [still small voice] Okay.\nScene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge\nHillary Clinton: Tom, Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers. South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us! [celebrities gasp]\nTom Cruise: Rob, will the machine be ready?\nRob Reiner: Oh, it'll be ready! [hits buttons on the machine's control panel]\nJennifer Lopez: [out of view] More tacos!\nJennifer Lopez: [in-view, the celebrities all turn around to look] More tacos!\nCartman: No! No more tacos Mrs. Lopez.\nJennifer Lopez: More tacos.\nCartman: You just had seven tacos.\nJennifer Lopez: I want more tacos! [Cartman gives a nervous laugh]\nCartman: I'm sorry [whisper] Why are you doing this?\nJennifer Lopez: I am Jennifer Lopez, I need tacos to live!\nCartman: [whispering] You know goddamn well you are not Jennifer Lopez, so stop pissing me off! [Charlie Sheen steps forward]\nCharlie Sheen: Mrs. Lopez, I can go. What do you want, like three tacos?\nJennifer Lopez: Oh, thank you 'harlie Sheeeeen. And maybe an enchirito too?\nCartman: Aw- Jee-. They don't even make enchiritos anymore!\nJennifer Lopez: Yes they do!\nCartman: I tried getting one last week!\nJennifer Lopez: Not all Taco Bells have enchiritos, but some still carry them.\nCartman: God, will somebody shut her up?\nScene Description: South Park Town Square, several people still standing around when a limo pulls up\nRandy: [facing away from view] Alright, the limo's here. Muhammad, thanks again for doing this. [A giant bear costume has been thrown over Muhammad]\nMayor: You've done this town a huge favor, Muhammad. [walks towards the limo]\nMr. Garrison: [from a distance away] Hold on a second! [runs over to the mayor]\nMr. Garrison: Stop! There's some extremists, threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they're gonna bomb us!\nMayor: What?!\nRandy: Aw. Aw, it's just a stupid threat! Come on, we don't wanna piss off Tom Cruise again. [starts walking to the limo]\nScene Description: Jared Fogle and Phil Collins sit in the limo\nJared Fogle: [On a walkie-talkie] Alright, we got him, Tom. [Everyone outside walks toward the limo, when it suddenly explodes]\nStan: Muhammad, are you okay? [Runs toward Muhammad and helps him up]\nRandy: What the hell was that?!\nSgt. Yates: Obviously, the terrorists are for real! [notices a paper Garrison is holding] What does that paper say? [reads the paper aloud] We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us. The celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power... huzzah.\nStan: They want his power?\nKyle: What kind of extremists are these? [Yates looks over the note]\nSgt. Yates: You won't believe it...\nScene Description: The Hilton hotel's party room, which is full of red headed people, or gingers.\nLead Ginger: Our time is near! Soon, gingers will never be made fun of again!\nAll Gingers: [in unison] Huzzah!\nScene Description: Cartman walking down a street, keeping his hand away from himself. He has taken off Mitch Conner's fake hairpiece.\nMitch Conner: Where the hell do you think you're going?\nCartman: I'm through with your stupid plans, Conner! I've got better things to do with my time. [Mitch goes in front of Cartman]\nMitch Conner: You gonna walk away from 50 mil? [Cartman stops]\nCartman: Let me by...\nMitch Conner: You walk away now, and you will regret it the rest of your life.\nCartman: Screw this Conner. [pushes his hand away and moves on] Find yourself another partner.\nMitch Conner: Then I guess I won't tell you about your father. [Cartman stops]\nCartman: My father...\nMitch Conner: Thought that might get your attention. You know nothing about your dad, right?\nCartman: I know enough, my mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father.\nMitch Conner: You really still believe that garbage? The people in your town sold you that line. Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along. [Cartman turns around to face Conner]\nCartman: How could you know anything about who my family is?\nMitch Conner: Heh. I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead-end town. You got lied to, kid. By the people who were closest to you. I can prove it too, but I'm going to want something in return.\nCartman: If you're making this up to keep me around Conner, the you'd better-\nMitch: You just take me where I tell you, and when you learn the truth, you will learn to trust me. And nobody else...\nScene Description: Chaos, people running around the street screaming\nBarbrady: Okay, people, let's try to evacuate in an orderly fashion. Geez.\nScene Description: Mayors Office, McDaniels is pacing while the police stand around her\nSgt. Yates: Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation! A full evacuation is impossible!\nMayor: Jesus, what are we supposed to do?!\nJimbo: We have to give in to their demands.\nMcDaniels: I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we are going to have to give you over the gingers.\nKyle: We can't give him over to the gingers!\nStan: Yeah, we said we'd take care of him.\nGerald: But our homes and our lives are at stake.\nStan: We made a promise... to Jesus! [Randy steps forward]\nRandy: Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved. [phone rings, everyone turns to look at it]\nJimbo: That'll be Tom Cruise... [Randy steps forward and slowly picks it up]\nRandy: Helllo?\nTom Cruise: Yeah, so whats going on?\nRandy: Uh... I'm afraid we can't... well, we can't give Muhammad to you.\nTom Cruise: What do you mean, you're not givin' him to us?!\nRandy: There are these ginger fundamentalists saying that if we don't give Muhammad to them, they are going to bomb us.\nTom Cruise: Gingers?\nKanye West: Gingers? Aww, hell no.\nRandy: Please, understand that we have no choice here Mr. Cruise.\nTom Cruise: You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?\nRandy: Well, yeah.\nTom Cruise: Oh, we can play that game too! You want to see violence, well you got it! [throws the phone at the ground and walks away]\nTom Cruise: [pacing around and fuming] Goddamn stupid assholes! You want to play rough?! OK! Spielburg, go and get some automatic rifles! We'll go in there, and we're going to take [around here, he jumps up and down on the couch, shouting his idea, with Oprah on the other cushion] Muhammad by force! And then we are going to show them th- [Rob Reiner rushes up]\nRob Reiner: Tom, Tom. We can't be seen getting violent.\nHillary Clinton: Yeah, that would kill all our careers!\nTom Cruise: [still jumping up and down on the couch] But the only way we are going to get Muhammad from South Park now is by getting just as violent as the gingers!\nRob Reiner: Fine, then let's have Her do it.\nTom Cruise: [stops jumping] Her who?\nRob Reiner: [whisper] You know... Her.\nTom Cruise: Oh right... [Whispers] Her.\nScene Description: In the middle of nowhere, limos start pulling up and celebrities all walk up to a huge structure\nRob Reiner: There she is Tom... Barbra Streisand.\nScene Description: Zooms around Mecha-Streisand, showing her from every angle\nRobert Redford: My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.\nSteven Spielberg: Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?\nTom Cruise: Mrs. Streisand got torn apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.\nRob Reiner: Power her up! Release the Kraken! [Mel Gibson pushes a button, then flips a switch, starting up Mecha-Streisand]\nScene Description: Mecha-Streisand opens up her eyes, the Diamond on her forehead lights up, and her claws and arm saw are flexed. The gates open and she steps out to meet the celebrities. The song Barbra, Barbra is played. She kneels down and lets out a screech.\nJapanese Singer: [Singing] Baabura, Baabura, ichi ban kirai na hito. (The number 1 hateful person.) Baabura, Baabura, hana ga ookii. (Her nose is big.)\nRob Reiner: [extremely casual voice] Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [Barbra kneels down and blows steam out of her nose, the celebrities shield their faces]\nRob Reiner: Listen, Babs, we are taking on the town of South Park and we really need your help\nTom Cruise: We figured you're pissed at South Park too, right Mrs. Streisand? [Barbra roars, turns around, and slashes the holding tower with her arm saw]\nTom Cruise: Oh, she's pissed all right.\nScene Description: Someone's house, there is a knock at the door. The door opens, and Eric is standing outside.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, what are you doing here?\nCartman: Did you all lie to me? All of you, in that room, when you told me my mother was my father?\nMr. Garrison: What? N-No Eric, are you still worried about that old issue, I mean-\nCartman: I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time, and-\nCartman: I said GET. Mr. Hat!\nScene Description: Garrison's bedroom. He reaches into a drawer and pulls out Mr. Hat.\nCartman: Put it on! [he puts it on] Do the voice.\nMr. Hat: Hello kids, it's me, Mr. Hat. [Cartman pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing Mitch.]\nMitch Conner: Good to see you Hat. Helluva night, isn't it?\nMr. Hat: I... I don't believe I know you.\nMitch Conner: The name's Mitch Conner, I flew the same division as you back in Saigon. [Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat]\nMr. Garrison: Eric, this is silly, why don't we just stop-\nCartman: Keep... your hand... UP!\nScene Description: A street filled with lots of townspeople, Muhammad, and Stan\nRandy: [shouting to the other side of the street] Alright gingers, we have Muhammad for you, now hand over the detonators. [huge group of gingers, all holding detonators]\nLead Ginger: Nuh uh, first you gotta prove that that is still Muhammad in there! Have him step out of the bear costume...\nTownspeople: Ohhhhhhh...\nStan: Dude, we can't do that\nLead Ginger: Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished!\nScene Description: Back to Mr. Garrison's bedroom\nMr. Hat: Dammit, Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered!\nMitch Conner: So you admit it. There was a cover up. [Mr. Garrison turns away]\nMr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore!\nMitch: Yeah, tell 'im whatcha know!\nGarrison: Alright, Eric, your father was in the room the day of your DNA test, but the results were... tampered with.\nCartman: By who? Goddammit, Garrison, who is my father?\nScene Description: Flash to townspeople on the street, then flash to gingers on the street then flash to Mecha-Streisand roaring"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Saigon, 1972, day. U.S. Army helicopters fly overhead. A gunner fires into the fields below\nMitch Conner: Saigon. It's a hell of a place. I've seen a lot of death. [Vietnamese and American soldiers fire at each other] A lot of suffering. Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see. [Wounded American soldiers are carried back to the helicopters] I tried to sit it out as much as I could. [a left arm exactly like Cartman's is shown. It wears dog tags, a tiny helmet, and camouflage face paint]\nSoldier 1: What's the matter, Conner? You don't like a little blood?\nMitch Conner: No, I don't like a little blood. Blood ain't the stuff for eighteen year old boys from Sheboygan. Blood ain't the stuff... for Mitch Conner.\nSoldier 2: Incoming! [An RPG flies into the helicopter and blows up. Cut to a MASH unit, where Mitch opens his eyes]\nArmy Doctor: Conner, Mitchell. You're discharged, son.\nMitch Conner: And that's that. \"Pack your bags, you're headed home. Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.\" [cut to the present, where Mitch is now on Cartman's arm facing Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat.] So how do I end up here, with a nine year old kid who just wants to know who his father is? Life is funny like that. One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam and the next you're playing Dr. Phil with some kid and his teacher.\nMr. Garrison: Eric, I, [faces Cartman] I'm really sorry that you were put through all this.\nMitch Conner: Sorry is a four letter word with a Y on the end. That doesn't mean anything to this poor kid.\nCartman: That's right! Tell me the truth! Now!\nMr. Garrison: [turns away] All I can tell you, Eric, is that we were all told to stick to the story to protect someone very important. I can't say more, I won't. But I'll... I'll tell you who has the answer.\nScene Description: South Park. night. The townsfolk and the gingers face off.\nRandy: Look, gingers! You said you wanted Muhammad, we got him for you.\nGinger 1: We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there. It could be a trick.\nStan: It's no trick, dude. My friend and I went to the Super Best Friends and brought him here!\nGinger 1: Then have him step out of the bear costume! You have until the count of ten! One!\nJimbo: Don't do it, Randy. If Muhammad is seen, we could get bombed.\nGinger 1: Two!\nSgt. Yates: Idiot, if he isn't seen, we're about to definitely get bombed.\nGinger 1: Three!\nRandy: Alright, alright, stop! We'll do what you say. [turns to the bear] I'm sorry, Muhammad. Will you please step out of the bear costume? [the bear looks around, then unzips the costume. A familiar red suit and black belt appear. The arms flail a bit and the costume drops away. Santa has stepped out of the costume.]\nStan: Okay, so um, see? This is Muhammad.\nGinger 2: That isn't Muhammad, that's Santy Claus.\nSanta: Sorry, boys. I tried.\nKyle: Aw crap.\nRandy: Boys, you got Santa to be Muhammad? When?\nStan: When you all said you were gonna hand Muhammad over to Tom Cruise. We promised Jesus that Muhammad would stay safely in the U-Haul!\nMr. Hankey: [hops up to Kyle] I'm sorry, Kyle. I really thought my idea would work for you.\nStan: If we were gonna have someone in a bear costume, why would we actually have it be Muhammad, you fucking idiot?!\nGinger 1: So where is he?! [heavy footfalls and a mechanical roar are heard, and everyone gets afraid.]\nScene Description: Hall of Super Best Friends, night.\nAnnouncer: Meanwhile, at the Hall of the Super Best Friends...\nScene Description: Inside. Buddha is snorting coke again.\nJesus: Buddha, will you lay off that stuff already?! It's gettin' to be a problem.\nBuddha: Ohhh, and you're one to talk! With all your Internet porn!\nJesus: Watching porn isn't like doing coke, fag!\nJoseph Smith: [runs into the meeting room] Jesus Christ!\nJesus: What?\nJoseph Smith: We've got a distress signal coming in. [the Super Best Friends leave their seats and head for the towering screen at one end of the room]\nJesus: On the Super Best Screen!\nPolice Officer: Super Best Friends! You've got to help us! The Casa Bonita is under attack! [Casa Bonita is shown. Soldiers defend it by firing at Mecha-Streisand, but she just keeps walking towards it]\nJesus: Great Scott! It's Barbra Streisand! [Mecha-Streisand picks up a car and bites the front end off. The driver drops down from it, likely to his death]\nLao Tse: I thought Barbra Streisand had been destroyed by Robert Smith.\nSeaman: Yeah. Who would have activated her again?\nJesus: I don't know, Seaman. [the other Super Best Friends chuckle]\nSeaman: [annoyed] It's Sea-Man! [the other Super Best Friends chuckle, but their attention is again drawn to the screen. ]\nPolice Officer: The Casa Bonita is gone! Jesus help us!\nJesus: Jesus... That's where the boys took Muhammad. We have to stop her! [he leads the others to Docking Bay Alpha] On the Super Best Friends power cycles! [moments later, amid a cloud of steam, a platform rises, and the Super Best Friends roll off it on modified Segways.]\nScene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering - Dr. Mephesto's lab. Dr. Mephesto is inside working on an animal.\nDr. Mephesto: There there, my little mouse friend. Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of. [the top of his assistant's head is shown moving towards him] Ah, Kevin. You brought me my Fonseca. That's a good boy. [a pounding is heard at the door and both men turn around] What's this? Someone is at the door, Kevin. [the pounding is heard again] We tried to be left alone, Kevin. Who would disturb us at this hour? We must be careful. [looks through the peep hole] Why, it's an African-American man, Kevin. [to the person outside] Yes? What do you want?\nPerson: [Mitch Conner, in blackface, wearing a wig] Yo man, sorry to bother you, but there's been an accident down the street, man. Can I use your telephone?\nDr. Mephesto: Oh I'm... terribly sorry, but I don't let strangers in.\nPerson: Yo, I understand, man, but this accident is real bad, dawg. My lady's leg is all busted up and shit; she all crawlin' around on the road lookin' like a crippled crab, man. I just need an ambulance, dog!\nDr. Mephesto: There's a gas station about half a mile down the road. They have a phone there.\nPerson: Okay, I see. I guess I understand. You just don't wanna let a black man in yo' house.\nDr. Mephesto: No, please, it isn't that at all.\nPerson: No, I gets it man. Thought things had changed, dog. Thought when we got a black president, things would be different. We gots our black president, but Whitey still don't trust me to use his motherfuckin' phone.\nDr. Mephesto: No wait, I'm sorry, you're right you're right, we do have a black president. Please, come in. [opens the door, which is built like that of a bank vault]\nCartman: [quickly gets in] Ahaaa!\nDr. Mephesto: WAAH!\nKevin: AAAH!\nCartman: Nice work, Conner.\nMitch Conner: Yeah, the old \"Hasn't anything changed?\" speech. Works on white people all the time.\nDr. Mephesto: Eric Cartman?\nCartman: Surprise to see me, asshole?! Close the door!\nScene Description: South Park, night. Mecha-Streisand rounds a corner as the townsfolk run away from her\nSanta: [in the crowd] Holy crap! [as the crowd disappears, one lone boy walks towards the robot...]\nPip: Cheeri-o! My name is Pip. I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits. [the robot walks towards him and he turns and runs] Haaah! [Mecha-Streisand crushes him under her left foot]\nScene Description: Tom Cruise's mansion, night.\nAnnouncer: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house.\nTom Cruise: How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!\nRandy: [on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything!\nTom Cruise: We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!\nRandy: We don't have Muhammad. We aren't sure where he is.\nTom Cruise: That's your problem! Get him back or Babs will kill you all!\nMickey Mouse: Oh boy!\nScene Description: South Park, night. The crowd runs down the street. Stan and Kyle see Kenny between two buildings and run up to him\nStan: Kenny! Kenny! Dude, what the hell?! You're supposed to be watching Muhammad!\nKenny: (I am. He's right here.) [a locker to his left opens up and Muhammad steps out, a black rectangle with \"CENSORED\" on it covering him up]\nStan: Oh thank God. Hey Muhammad.\nKyle: Really sorry about all this, dude. [to Stan] So what the heck are we gonna do now? Muhammad isn't safe here.\nStan: The gingers and celebrities all want a piece of him. I don't know where we can go.\nKyle: [thinks a bit, then snaps his fingers] Wait. No wait a minute! I've got it. I've totally got it!\nKenny: (What?)\nKyle: Remember the time when we got an elephant to make love to a pig?\nStan: [a bit surprised] ...Yeah.\nKyle: I totally know how we can give the gingers and the celebrities what they want, but keep Muhammad safe. Come on! [they all run off]\nScene Description: Raisins, night. Mecha-Streisand's right foot is on the parking lot next to an overturned car. Her left foot comes down on the restaurant and everyone inside runs out. She then moves on to Country Kitchen buffet and crushes that under her right foot. All the elderly folk get out of there right before it's destroyed.\nRichard Tweek: She's going to get our coffee store next.\nMr. Slave: Ooooo, Jesus Christ. [points to behind the camera. The Super Best Friends roll into town on their cycles]\nJesus: That's enough, Barbra Streisand! Kiwaaa! [takes off his halo and hurls it at her. It bounces off her left shoulder and returns to Jesus. Barbra just gets more pissed off and turns to face Jesus. She walks towards him] Smith! Try your ice breath! [Joseph Smith steps forward and blows a stream of freezing air at Barbra's left claw. She looks at it and flexes her claws]\nJoseph Smith: No good!\nSeaman: Look out! Barbra Streisand is using her toxic stink ray! [Barbra unleashes a stream of brown gas from her genital area, making the Super Best Friends cough]\nScene Description: Dr. Mephesto's lab, later\nDr. Mephesto: Eric, your father never wanted this to happen. He was protecting you as well as them.\nCartman: Them who?!\nDr. Mephesto: Eric, you have to understand, it's all very complicated.\nCartman: Then start explaining it to me!\nDr. Mephesto: [heavy sigh] Very well.\nKyle: Come on, Muhammad, the door is open.\nStan: Dr. Mephesto, we need your help!\nDr. Mephesto: Oh for crying out loud, now everyone is letting themselves in! [goes to the door and locks it]\nKyle: Doctor, this is Muhammad. We want you to clone him, so we can give his copies to gingers, and Barbra Streisand.\nDr. Mephesto: Oh, all right.\nCartman: No nooo no no no! He's not doing anything except explaining who my father is!\nStan: Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now!\nCartman: It's all that matters!\nKyle: Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is! Muhammad is an important issue with actual ethical ramifications!\nCartman: I guarantee you people care way more about who my father is!\nScene Description: South Park, night. Joseph Smith has taken flight\nAnnouncer: In the small mountain town of South Park, the holy prophet of the Mormon religion is trying to fly up the nose of a deadly female singer. [Barbra Streisand looks around. Krishna and Seaman float by either side of her head. Smith lands on her nose, but she tries to shake him off]\nSeaman: Our powers aren't working, Swallow. [The Super Best Friends float down towards Jesus]\nJoseph Smith: We can't attack Streisand's nose! It's just too big!\nJesus: We have to find another weak spot! [into his cuff] Moses!\nMoses: What?\nJesus: We need to know any weakness Barbra Streisand might have!\nMoses: Um... Let me think... Um... Oh I know... Barbra Streisand can't resist singing duets with Neil Diamond.\nJesus: All right. I'll build a stage. Lao Tse, use mind control to get a huge audience. Buddha and Smith, use powers to find a band. Seaman, [chuckles] you and Swallow go get us sushi for dinner. [the other Super Best Friends start chuckling]\nSeaman: It's Sea-Man and Swallow.\nJesus: Okay, Seaman, you guys head off!\nSeaman: Fine! Swallow, come. [the other Super Best Friends chuckle]\nMoses: Heh heh heheheh. No way he just said that.\nScene Description: Dr. Mephesto's lab\nStan: Alright alright, just tell Cartman who his dad is real quick so we can clone Muhammad.\nDr. Mephesto: It's a complicated story. I just can't tell him quickly.\nKyle: Then we'll wait, because we have to clone Muhammad now!\nMitch Conner: Is Muhammad more important than a little boy's broken heart?\nKyle: Oh, you are not doing that again!\nMitch Conner: Look, Mephesto, just tell this kid who his father is and you do it now!\nKyle: Stop talking with your stupid hand!\nCartman: Who you calling stupid, Jew?\nStan: Come on, guys, we're running out of time! [more knocking is heard at Mephesto's door, and Mephesto turns around]\nDr. Mephesto: Yes?\nMan: Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. There's uh, been an accident and I need a phone.\nDr. Mephesto: Yeah, right, let me guess: You're an African-American.\nMan: ...Well, yes I am, but I don't know what that has to do with anything.\nDr. Mephesto: Beat it I'm not helpin' you!\nKyle: Dude!\nStan: That's not cool!\nDr. Mephesto: No no, you don't understand.\nKyle: We understand you just sounded like a freakin' racist!\nStan: We don't live in the '60s anymore, you know! We have a black president!\nDr. Mephesto: Alright, alright, jeez. [walks to the door and opens it]\nGinger 1: Hahaaa!\nStan: Oh crap, the gingers!\nCartman: Gingers? No!\nScene Description: Tom Cruise's mansion\nAnnouncer: L-later, at the Legion of Doom.\nBenedict XVI: Tom, Tom! The gingers are claiming they have Muhammad!\nTom Cruise: What?! Impossible!\nBenedict XVI: They are sending a message now!\nTom Cruise: On screen! [The Legion of Doom's monitor lights up and the gingers are shown with Muhammad. The lead ginger gives the Legion a raspberry.]\nGinger 1: [taunting] We got Muhammad! We got Muhammad!\nRob Reiner: He's useless to you! You can't get Muhammad's power to not be made fun of without the Rob Reiner Goo Transfer Machine!\nGinger 1: Why do you think we're calling?!\nGinger 3: Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you if you're willing to share the goo machine with us!\nTom Cruise: ...Your ...boss?\nScene Description: The gingers' lair\nDr. Mephesto: What's going on? You got what you wanted, gingers, so let us go.\nGinger 1: Oh no no! The head ginger has plans for you!\nStan: What head ginger?! And where's Cartman?!\nGinger 2: Heheh, the head ginger has somethin' reeeally special planned for him.\nScene Description: The gingers' lair, deeper inside. Cartman walks through the cave with a flashlight.\nCartman: Hello? What the hell is this? Where am I?\nMitch Conner: You really got yourself in a mess this time, kid.\nCartman: Shut up, Conner! How about I shove this flashlight in your mouth?\nMitch Conner: You might wanna [garbled sounds as Cartman puts the flashlight in his left hand]\nCartman: Hello? I'm here, whoever you are. [a slow cackle rises from the darkness]\nA Voice: Eric Cartman. I've waited a long time for this.\nCartman: Daddy?\nA Voice: Guess again. [lights go one a few at a time. Carnival rides begin to appear. The Bean Dip Ferris Wheel. Chili-buster. The Chiliblast. A Hot Chili sign. A Professor Habanero chili booth. More signs come on, and the 2010 Chili Con Carnival is now live. Cartman is awed] Welcome, to my Chili Con Carnival.\nCartman: [strokes his chin and thinks] Chili Con Carnival? ...Wait a minute. ...No it can't be.\nA Voice: Oh, but it can. [Cartman is looking at a throne with a staircase at its base. Six gingers stand guard on the ground and halfway up the steps. Around and behind the steps is a pile of broken baby dolls highlighted by two torches. one on either side of the stairs. The torches are topped with baby doll heads. On the throne itself sits one Scott Tenorman, with top hat and cane. His head is in the shadows] Revenge is a dish best served... [leans forward into the light] chili.\nCartman: Scott Tenorman. Eeewww.\nScene Description: South Park, night. \"Live! Tonight Only! NEIL DIAMOND\"\nAnnouncer: Meanwhile, at the concert stage Jesus built with his power of super-carpentry...\nJoseph Smith: [walks in with Buddha and Lao Tse] That's it, Jesus. The band has been paid and the PA system is working.\nJesus: [joins them and drops his hammer] Alright Krishna, the rest is up to you.\nKrishna: [walks some distance] Form of... Neil Diamond. [poof! He is now Neil Diamond, who then goes on stage and addresses the crowd] If you all wouldn't mind, I'd like to invite a special friend to join me on stage. Miss Barbra Streisand! [Barbra hears her name and walks towards the stage]\nJesus: Let's hope to Christ this works. [Barbra reaches the stage and lowers her head to Neil - er, Krishna]\nKrishna: Hello gorgeous. What do you say? Shall we sing together again like the old times? [Barbra roars and sits down on stage] Well that's because I love the girl. And I still love you now. What have you got to say? [Barbra roars, then the crowd roars] That might be true, but I still miss ya at night. [Barbra roars something] When you roll over, by my side, and you kiss me goodnight. [This excites Barbra, who roars and lets out a jet of toxic spray onto the audience. The audience members cough and try to shield themselves]\nJoseph Smith: It worked, Jesus!\nJesus: Yeah. And now to find Muhammad and take down Tom Cruise!\nScene Description: Scott Tenorman's' lair\nScott Tenorman: Do you remember when you had my parents killed and fed them to me as chili? I spent quite a while in a mental institution, Eric. [two ginger kids come and escort Cartman towards a ride] A lot of time for me to learn everything about you, so that one day I could take you down. I even learned the name of your father. [the two kids place Cartman in a car and sit on either side of him. The car begins to move. Screen 1] Oh, I know you're confused. Who wouldn't be? [Screen 2] You've been lied to by everyone! [Screen 3] Even by your own mother! [Screen 4] Hahahahahahahaha. [the car goes through some double doors]\nCartman: What do you know?!\nScott Tenorman: [Screen 5] I wanted to torment you with your father's identity. But what I found was more shocking than I could have possibly guessed!\nScene Description: The gingers' lair. The goo machine has been moved there and Muhammad has been strapped into the lefthand side of the machine. Tom Cruise has been strapped to the right side\nAnnouncer: [sounding more and more wasted] Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair...\nRussell Crowe: Alright, Muhammad is secure. [moves off the machine]\nTom Cruise: Let's do this. Throw the switch, Rob. [Rob Reiner throws the switch. The power level increases on the control panel. Moments later, goo moves from Muhammad through four tubes towards a mixer, then through two tubes towards Tom Cruise. Everyone watches in anticipation] Ohhh. Uhhh. Yes! I can feel it! I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins! [shakes violently for a second, then the machine shuts down. A \"CENSORED\" bar appears over Tom] Ha. Hahahaha! [laughs heartily]\nParis Hilton: O M G it worked!\nTom Cruise: I've done it! I've done it! Look at me! I'm not okay to make fun of anymore!\nBenedict XVI: Ooo you lucky fucker.\nScene Description: Chili Con Carnival - Scott Tenorman's lair. Scott has brought in Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, some gingers, and some candidates from Dr. Mephesto's DNA inquiry into Cartman's dad. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are there too. Scott is inside a center ring next to a table on which rests a bowl of chili. Cartman is on a chair facing the bowl. Only the gingers have their hands free. Everyone else has their hands tied behind their backs\nScott Tenorman: Welcome, everyone, to the final act of my fabulous Chili Carnival!\nLiane: Please, leave my boy alone!\nCartman: Mom?\nScott Tenorman: I got them all here for you, Eric! So listen while you got told the truth!\nMr. Garrison: Please don't. We have to protect 'em.\nCartman: Protect who??\nScott Tenorman: Yes, protect... who? Tell him! Mr... [points to] Jimbo! [with his cane]\nJimbo: Protect... the Denver Broncos.\nScene Description: The gingers' lair\nAnnouncer: Meanwhile...\nTom Cruise: This is incredible. Who wants to go next?\nBenedict XVI: I want to be next.\nGinger 4: No, gingers go next.\nMickey Mouse: Gingers can suck it! I'm next, ha!\nRob Reiner: It's my goo machine! I'm next!\nJesus: Nobody is going next! [Jesus, Buddha, and Joseph Smith run in while Lao Tse and Seaman drop in from above.] Muhammad is our super best friend! Let him go!\nGinger 4: They can't stop all of us! Get 'em!\nScene Description: The gingers and celebrities attack the super best friends as one. Joseph Smith blows his super breath on Sally Struthers, who freezes over.\nJesus: [fends off every ginger who runs at him.] Kyaaaaa!\nScene Description: Chili Con Carnival - Scott Tenorman's lair. Scott addresses the captives\nScott Tenorman: The Denver Broncos. [turns to Cartman] There was a right tackle, see? Who had an illegitimate child with your slut of a mom, and everyone here covered it up! To protect the Bronco name!\nMr. Garrison: They were having a really good year! There couldn't be any distractions!\nCartman: My dad was a Denver Bronco?\nScott Tenorman: Would you like to meet him? Well, you can't. Ever. 'Cause you see, Eric, we have something in common. Did I ever tell you that my father... played for the Denver Broncos?\nCartman: No- nooo.\nScott Tenorman: The only Bronco who lived in South Park. He got a little bored one week and had an affair with a slut named Liane Cartman!\nLiane: No please!\nScott Tenorman: [to Dr. Mephesto] Tell him! You almost did before, but you got shot by your brother who was a Bronco fan! Tell him!\nDr. Mephesto: It's true... Jack Tenorman was your father.\nScott Tenorman: You killed your own father and then you fed him to your half... brother!\nCartman: No! Noooo!\nScott Tenorman: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now eat your chili! [shoves Cartman's face into the chili, just as Cartman had done to him a long time ago. Cartman gags on the chili. A wall explodes and the captives and celebrities rush in, followed by the Super Best Friends] The Super Best Friends? Oh no! [makes a run out of the lair. Russell Crowe smacks Buddha a few times, but Buddha fights back]\nSeaman: I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]\nStan: Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back. [everyone stops and gasps. The \"CENSORED\" bar disappears and Tom is shown again]\nTom Cruise: What did you say?!\nKyle: Oh, yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.\nJesus: I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman. [everyone chuckles.]\nTom Cruise: [straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Seaman gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!\nScott Tenorman: [on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]\nJesus: Who's the creepy ginger kid?\nTom Cruise: Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!\nKyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.\nJesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.\nSanta: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear, and be willing to hurt people, and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.\nStan: [smiles and tilts his head to one side] Yeah.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Reconstruction on the town begins\nMayor McDaniels: Alright, people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the 39th time.\nStan: Oh, dude, look. [Cartman is shown on a gurney, crying. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him] Hey, Cartman...\nKyle: Look, man, w-we know what you learned was pretty tough to hear.\nCartman: Tough to hear? My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad. Don't you guys realize what that means?\nStan: Yeah, dude, we, we know what it means.\nCartman: My dad was a ginger!\nKyle: Wwait, what?\nCartman: I mean, obviously, I take after my mom, but I have the ginger gene inside of me!\nKyle: Dude, you killed your own dad, and you're worried about that?!\nMitch Conner: [appears] Hey, Eric, Eric!\nCartman: What?\nMitch Conner: Come on, cheer up.\nCartman: Cheer up? I'm half ginger!\nMitch Conner: Yeah, but you're forgetting, you're also half Denver Bronco. That makes you pretty cool.\nCartman: Hey, you're right. That does make me pretty cool.\nKyle: You gotta be kidding me!\nMitch Conner: Shut up, Kyle, you dumb Jew. [to Cartman] You've got Bronco blood in you, kid. That makes you awesome. Me? I should be movin' on.\nCartman: Really, Mitch? Ya, you've gotta go?\nMitch Conner: There's a bounty on my head and I can't afford to stay in one place for too long. So long... Denver Bronco.\nCartman: Take it easy, Conner. [his hand floats away, then opens up all of a sudden. He wiggles his fingers. Next shot is of Tom Cruise sitting by himself on a trash can.]\nStan: Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that Seaman on your back.\nTom Cruise: I... I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.\nKyle: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.\nStan: We do? Oh, oh, yeah, we do!\nTom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just ...live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh, please, can you show me where?\nStan: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.\nScene Description: The moon. Tom Cruise is shown laying next to Willzyx."}
{"text": "Announcer: This program contains subject matter and language that might be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.\nTowelie: [walking down the street being friendly] Hey everybody, how's it goin'?\nScene Description: The Towel\nScene Description: The Drug Addict\nTowelie: [taking a hit from a bong] I just... I just can't seem to stop.\nScene Description: Towelie has agreed to be in a documentary about addiction\nTowelie: Hey you! You goin' swimmin'? Don't forget to bring a towel. [coughs]\nScene Description: He does not know he is about to face an intervention\nTowelie: [stumbling around, tattered and wasted] Get out of my face! Get out of here! [runs at the camera and shoves it out of his face. The camera spins around in a blur of lights]\nScene Description: Intervention\nTowelie: [in studio] My name is Towelie. T O W E L uh-Y E Y. I'm great at cleanin' up spills. [a man spills his drink in a mall and Towelie throws himself at it, soaking it up. Next, he sends himself into a washing machine at a laundromat] And I'm 100% machine washable. I'm just... an ordinary towel, in a lot of ways. [hangs himself up to dry on a clothesline in someone's backyard] Except for one. [back to the studio] I'm addicted to marijuana. And crystal meth. ...aaand crack. [next scene is a wasted Towelie taking another hit from his bong]\nScene Description: Nine years ago Towlie started smoking marijuana. Two years later he startedexperimenting with crystal meth.\nTowelie: [scorched and wasted, walks down the street] Hey buddy, want your dick sucked? [bends over for a moment] Does anybody want their dick sucked by a towel?\nStan: Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town! He's broken into my house twice, and stolen my allowance! I-I've got almost nothing left!\nKyle: If we're playing outside he shows up completely wasted and, and screaming how the government is following 'im.\nButters: [cries, taking a tissue from the box next to him] Why I, I just don't wanna watch him kill himself... I don't even know who he is anymore!\nStan: There's noo doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is gonna be ruined! [Towelie is shown lighting a joint as the camera pulls away]\nScene Description: A Lake Tardicaca, Camp for the Handicapped, day. It sits by the side of a lake, and disabled campers mill around in it. Some campers sit around a campfire, others help set up tents, still others play in the lake. The following song plays as the scene is established\nSingers: Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the good times? Are you ready for the birds and bees? The apple trees? And a whole lot of fooling around? Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the good times? Are you ready for the birds and bees? The apple trees? And a whole lot of fooling around? Are you ready for the fireflies, the moonlit skies, and a whole lot of fooling around\nScene Description: Timmy and Jimmy walk into camp. Jimmy sports some blue sunglasses. Both boys are dressed for swimming\nJimmy: Oh boy, Timmy, it's our favorite time of year.\nTimmy: Timmeh!\nJimmy: We get to see all our old friends again. Hey, there's Francis. Hey Francis!\nFrancis: [practicing how to light a fire with a stick, a bow, and a small board] Hi Jimmy, hi Tim.\nTimmy: [waves, grinning] Timmy.\nSpecialist 1: Wow, look at Lenora everyone. [Lenora dog-paddles her way to the shore] Good job. Come on, good job Lenora. Ahahall right, good, let's get Lenora a towel. [Lenora begins to shiver. The song ends at this point] Come on, come on, where's the towel?\nSpecialist 2: [looks inside the towel cart] The towel isn't here. I think it's off getting high again.\nScene Description: For the past week Towelie has been working at a summer camp for handicapped children. He has been given warnings for getting high fourteen times.\nScene Description: Towelie is tying a rubber band around his upper right arm, preparing to inject himself\nSpecialist 3: [walks nearby looking for him] Hey! [startled, Towelie lets the rubber band snap off and fall to the ground] Where is that towel?!\nTowelie: Oh yeah, just a sec. [the specialist sees him]\nStan: [in studio] We went out and got Towelie a job so he could try to pay us back all the money he owes us! [crosses his arms] Stupid towel!\nSpecialist 3: [now next to Towelie] What's going on, Towel?\nTowelie: Oh yeah I just had to take a piss. Sorry.\nSpecialist 3: We got wet campers down there! Move your ass!\nKyle: [in studio] When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything.\nTowelie: [now wasted and tattered] I don't care about anything. Stupid... handicapped... camp. [walks by a campfire circle where Jimmy is holding court with his team]\nJimmy: Alright blue team. As team captain, I need to make sure we are ready for the big camp competition.\n\"Elmer Fudd\": Oh we're weady aww wight. We can weawwy stick it to the wed team this yeaw, wahahahaha.\n\"Beaky Buzzard\": No way, Red Team can beat us, no way. Haha, hahaha.\n\"Droopy Dawg\": Red Team won't know what hit them.\nJimmy: All right! Everyone together! Are we gonna beat Red Team this year?\nBlue Team: Yeah!\nTimmy: Timmy!\nBlue Team: Yeah! [a couple of members go on separately] Alright!\nScene Description: Nearby, Nathan and a huge boy listen in\nNathan: I can't stand him, Mimsy. That Jimmy kid makes my fuckin... skin crawl.\nMimsy: Duhh you always hated Jimmy, boss. Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp, he really took it to you good, haha.\nNathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy!\nMimsy: Doh, sorry, boss.\nNathan: Listen to me: there is no way that Blue Team is gonna beat Red Team this year at camp. You got that?\nScene Description: Blue Team has beaten Red Team the past three summers at Lake Tardicaca. The three legged race is Blue Team's best event.\nNathan: What we need to do, Mimsy, is use a little brainpower to make sure Blue Team can't compete.\nMimsy: Oh boy, we're gonna ruin Blue Team's chances, huh? We're gonna break their legs or somethin', boss?\nNathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just do what I say, and we can make sure Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him.\nScene Description: Specialist 1 has applied Towelie to Lenora, and Towelie gets her dry.\nSpecialist 1: There you go, Lenora, all better now?\nLenora: Yes, thanks.\nTowelie: That's right. When you go swimmin', don't forget to bring a... [throws up all over Lenora]\nLenora: Uhhh!\nSpecialist 3: Who hired that towel? It can barely walk, let alone dry somebody off.\nTowelie: [picking a fight] You think you're better than me? Huh?! You think you're fuckin' hot shit?!\nStan: [in studio] A lot of times, when Towelie shoots heroin he just... gets angry at everybody.\nTowelie: You can all suck it! You're all, you're all a bunch of towels, that's what you are! [walks off in disgust]\nButters: [in studio, sobbing] The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before. He had a girlfriend he liked. [a picture of the couple is shown, but her face is blurry. The picture was taken at a restaurant booth] And then she got pregnant and had a little washcloth. [A picture of the three of them at the hospital. She shows off Washcloth, but her face is still blurry] Mm but then Towelie just kept gettin' more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house.\nTowelie: [wasted. wandering in the woods] Fuck you! Let me talk to 'im! Let me talk to 'im, you bitch!\nScene Description: Towelie is attempting to talk to his son. His ex-wife will not let her son talk to Towelie when he is high.\nTowelie: No! I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday! [the anger leaves his face] Oh. Oh it is Wednesday?\nScene Description: Camp Tardicaca, day. One of the specialists stands next to an event scoreboard with ten events listed\nSpecialist 1: [over the megaphone] All right, campers! Our first event is the big canoe race!\n\"Pete Puma\": Oh boy, the canoe races! Heeee! [the team turns right and walks away]\n\"Porky Pig\": We gotta be uh bitty bitty uh we uh we gotta be we gotta be uh we gotta bibbity beat the Red Team. [turns and walks off with the others. Nearby, Nathan and Mimsy listen in again]\nNathan: I've got it, Mimsy. I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good.\nMimsy: Darrr, oh boy, what are we gonna do, boss?\nNathan: Simple, Mimsy. [pulls out a bag with something in it] We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe.\nMimsy: Doh, dohhh, what kind of surprise uh? [Nathan pulls a snake out of the bag by its head] Oh! It's a snake.\nNathan: Not just any snake, Mimsy. It's a Black Mamba.\nScene Description: The Black Mamba is the deadliest snake known to man. The odds of surviving a Black Mamba in your canoe are 546 to 1.\nMimsy: Aww, dah, gee whiz boss, we're gonna kill all the Blue Team and Jimmy, huh? [Nathan shushes him]\nSpecialist 4: You boys excited for the canoe race?\nNathan: Yes, counselor Steve. I like the fun canoe.\nSpecialist 4: [encouraged] Canoes are fun, aren't they? [walks away]\nNathan: [now that the counselor is gone...] Now take the Black Mamba, [hands the bag to Mimsy] Mimsy, and put it in the canoe. I'm gonna go get our team ready.\nScene Description: The teams have sat down inside their canoes\nSpecialist 1: All right, campers are we ready?\nAll: Yeah!\nNathan: Good luck, Jimmy.\nJimmy: You too, Ne-n-Nathan.\nNathan: You're gonna need it, you fuckin' asshole.\nSpecialist 1: Oh your mark, get set. [another specialist shoots off her gun, and both boats take off. Nathan switches his oar to his right side, but notices something on the floor: the Black Mamba Mimsy was to put in the other canoe.]\nNathan: Aaah! Holy shit, Mimsy! What the hell did you do?!\nMimsy: Darrr, you said to put the Black Mamba in the canoe, boss.\nNathan: [shakes his fist] Not in our canoe, Mimsy!\nScene Description: Mimsy has put the Black Mamba snake in the wrong canoe. The odds of the Red Team winning the canoe race are now 1 in 19.\nScene Description: Nathan's crew begins to bail on him, allowing the Blue Team to win this event\n\"Sylvester\": We crossth the finish line firsht!\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca. Steve rushes to a supply shack to get Towelie\nSteve: [tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Heeey. Hey, we need a towel! [pounds on the door]\nTowelie: Uh, oh, um, uh, just a sec!\nSteve: Not just a sec! We've got a whole lot of wet campers down there! [tries to get the door open by throwing himself at it a few times] What's going on?! [kicks the door in and is instantly shocked at what he sees: Towelie on his knees in front of an elderly man who's pulling up his pants]\nScene Description: Towelie makes extra money for drugs by offering oral sex to older men.\nScene Description: The man rushes out of the shack while the specialist remains speechless\nTowelie: Hey, you owe me money, asshole!\nScene Description: The camp office, later.\nSpecialist 1: That's it, we're done! You are no longer employed here!\nKyle: Please, sir.\nSpecialist 1: We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money!\nTowelie: Heh, some people are so picky about their towels.\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca, later.\nSpecialist 3: All right campers, next event is the big scavenger hunt! Blue Team is gonna go first. [Nathan and Mimsy stand nearby, overhearing the specialist]\nNathan: I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the Blue Team.\nMimsy: Oh boy, what are we gonna do to him, huh boss?\nNathan: Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Native Americans. [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a map] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it and opens it up] It's a fake scavenger hunt map.\nMimsy: Dahhh, this map leads to the scavenger hunt?\nNathan: No, that map leads to the Indian reservation. We switch this with Blue Team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca Indian Reservation.\nScene Description: The Tardicaca Indians are extremely protective of their land. Trespassing on the Tardicaca Reservation is considered extremely dangerous.\nMimsy: Dah-oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Indians, huh boss? [again Nathan shushes him as a specialist draws near to them]\nCounselor Steve: Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt?\nNathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. I like a scavenger hunt. [Steve walks away] Alright Mimsy, now you take this map to the Indian Reservation, and you switch it with Blue Team's map. You got that, Mims? You switch the map! Switch! The map!\nMimsy: I got it, boss. Switch the map. Switch the map. [walks away]\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. Nathan leads his team into the woods for scavenging.\nMimsy: Dah how come we're scavenger huntin' now, boss?\nNathan: Because, stupid, now that we have Blue Team's map we can get their scavenger prize too.\nMimsy: Dahhhoh boy!\nScene Description: The boys find themselves in a clearing. Nathan takes a look around\nNathan: This doesn't make sense. Why would they make us walk this far? We're handicapped. \"Turn left at the...\" Wait. Waitaminute, what? What the? [finds his way onto the Tardicaca Burial Grounds] Oh fuck! Mimsy! This is the map to the Indian Reservation!\nMimsy: Why sure it is, boss.\nNathan: I told you to switch this with the map for the Blue Team!\nMimsy: No, you told me to switch the map, switch the map, so I switched it, and I switched it. [his motions indicate he just flipped the map this way and that]\nNathan: Miiimmmssssyyyy! [all of a sudden, Indians appear on horseback.] Uh, my name is Nathan. I'm disabled. [the Indians fire at him and arrows go flying all over the place. He's struck a few times.] AAAAA!\nScene Description: Intervention\nScene Description: Towelie is walking towards a Supply Max store\nTowelie:: Hey everybody. Let's all go to the office supply store. [inside he grabs as many bottles of computer duster as he can]\nScene Description: Towelie has run out of money for hard drugs. He now inhales computer duster to get high.\nCashier: You must have one dusty computer.\nTowelie: [irritated] Fuck you! It's not illegal, bitch! [goes to his red car outside, gets in, and closes the door. Inside he takes out a bottle of computer duster and starts sniffing. He goes through bottle after bottle, screwing up his face more and more] I feel like I could conquer the world.\nScene Description: Towelie now inhales up to 2,000 cans of computer duster a day.\nTowelie: [taking a short break from his sniffing] It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine.\nButters: [in studio] I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance. [at the Supply Max parking lot, walks up and kicks the door on Towelie's car] Towelie! Open the door!\nTowelie: Go away! I'm walking on sunshine!\nButters: Towelie, I gotta take you somewhere really important!\nTowelie: Jus', just let me walk on the sunshine a little more. [Butters waits]\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. The head specialist comes to announce some results\nSpecialist 1: [through the megaphone] All right! In the surfing competition, the Red Team is up three points to two. [\"Elmer Fudd\" puts his surfboard away] And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn. [Jimmy goes out into the open water on his board]\nTimmy: Timmeh!\nFrancis: Gee, I wish our team captain was as awesome as Jimmy. [The camera pans across the dock and on to Nathan and Mimsy]\nNathan: I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all.\nMimsy: Oh boy oh boy! What are we gonna do to him, boss?\nNathan: Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy eaten by a shark. [pulls out a small box in which is a whistle. He opens the box and takes out the whistle, and hads it to Mimsy] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it, and Nathan puts the box back in his back pocket] It's a shark-mating whistle.\nMimsy: Dahhh okay boss, a shark-mating whistle. We're gonna hit him over the head with it, huh boss?'\nNathan: No, you moron. You go under the water and blow that whistle. You can attract sharks right as Jimmy starts to surf.\nScene Description: The Tardicaca shark is the deadliest freshwater shark in Colorado. A shark mating whistle can attract the shark from over two miles away. * Colorado Department of Wildlife\nMimsy: Dahhh I've got it boss. I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off. [getting excited] Then he bleeds to death. He's gonna bleed to death. [Nathan shushes him again as Steve walks by]\nSteve: Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?\nNathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. The beach is warm. [Steve walks off]\nMimsy: Gee that was a close one, huh boss? They almost had me saying we were gonna kill Jimmy.\nNathan: [smacks him with a left hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle.\nMimsy: Dohh boy! [walks away to complete his mission]\nScene Description: On the lake, Jimmy is set to surf to shore. He waits for a wave. On the shore...\n\"Pete Puma\": Yeah I don't know, Timmy. Those waves are pretty big, heeeee.\nTimmy: Timmih.\n\"Beaky Buzzard\": Uhuhuh. Don't worry, Jimmy can handle himself.\nJimmy: Gonna catch a wave... [no wave is coming. Underwater, Mimsy swims by]\nMimsy: Dahhh I got me a shark whistle.\nJimmy: Oh boy, here it comes! Here it comes! [a wave rises high behind him and lifts him with it, then crashes down over and in front of him]\n\"Droopy Dawg\": Oh no! Jimmy!\n\"Elmer Fudd\": Wait, look! He's doing it! [Jimmy rises to the top and the campers cheer. He's doing all the surfing moves. Meanwhile, Mimsy comes out of the water and walks up to Nathan.]\nMimsy: Dohoho, oh boy!\nNathan: Mimsy, you didn't do wha' I told you.\nMimsy: Dahh whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle. [blows hard into the whistle]\nScene Description: Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water. There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding.\nScene Description: Mimsy blows the whistle a few more times\nNathan: You fucking idiot! You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land! You were supposed to blow it- [a shark jumps out of the water, lands on him, and begins to hump him] eh uh uh...\nScene Description: Mimsy's error has caused a Lake Shark to come onto the beach and mate with Nathan. The Tardicaca Lake Shark's penis is nine inches long. * Colorado Department of Wildlife\nNathan: Mimsssyyy! Get this thing off of meee!\nScene Description: Intervention day\nStan: [in studio] Today is Towelie's intervention. We have ...no idea how he's gonna react.\nButters: Um come on, Towelie, it's, it's right over here.\nScene Description: Towelie thinks he is onhis way to the Laundromat.\nScene Description: Butters leads a battered and wasted Towelie to a door and opens the door. They walk into the room and see Clyde, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Stan, as well as a therapist, all waiting for them.\nTowelie: Wha' what's goin' on?\nJeff Van Vonderen: You wanna come over, have a seat with your friends? [Butters takes a seat between Kyle and Cartman, making space for Towelie to sit between him and Kyle. Towelie follows Butters to the sofa]\nTowelie: What is everybody doing here?\nJeff Van Vonderen: We've all just been talking, Towelie, and and what I'm hearing is a bunch of people here who just love the heck outtaya. And, they're gonna way what they wanna say, and you're gonna say what you wanna say, and we're done. Okay?\nButters: [reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past couple of years, I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways.\nTowelie: Aw Jesus, man.\nJeff Van Vonderen: Ah ah Towelie, you need to let him finish.\nButters: You're not the towel you used to be. [sniffles] Where, as you used to be fluffy and absorbent, ye-you now are crusty and... and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water. Will you get help today?\nTowelie: I I don't, I don't get this.\nJeff Van Vonderen: Kyle?\nKyle: [reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catchphrases to a dried out spooge rag covered in the jizz of a thousand older men.\nTowelie: Could we just end this please?\nJeff Van Vonderen: You have to let him finish, Towelie.\nKyle: If you do not accept treatment I will no longer give you money or be your friend. I will not help you kill yourself.\nJeff Van Vonderen: Alright. Eric, do you wanna go next?\nCartman: [reads his note] Kyle, I hate you so much. You are a liar and a swindler who would do anything for money, and I-.\nKyle: We're here for Towelie, fatass!\nCartman: I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right? Is that right? [clears his throat] The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason, Kyle. You are a race of beady-eyed thieves who are always wan- [Kyle walks over and rips the note from Cartman's hands]\nKyle: This is serious, you fucking asshole!\nCartman: I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?!\nJeff Van Vonderen: Kyle, we have to let people be allowed to finish during interventions.\nKyle: But he's just using his time on television to rant about-\nJeff Van Vonderen: Kyle please, It is not your turn!\nCartman: [takes his note back. Kyle walks back to his seat] You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, Kyle, who throughout the millennia have squirmed and worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society. [puts down that sheet, but reaches into his back pocket for another one] Where exactly did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today?\nKyle: Oh my God!\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca, night. Time for the Talent Show Competition! A Hawaiian song starts up. Jimmy is singing and playing ukulele\nJimmy: It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp to learn to do the hula hula danceI fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance.And that poor little kid, why she never did know what love had in store.So I made up my mind-\nNathan: Get ready, Mimsy. Blue Team is about to go boom.\nScene Description: Nathan and Mimsy stand in the shadows with their fingers in their ears\nScene Description: Red Team planted half a pound of C4 in Jimmy's ukulele. It is set to go off during the ukulele solo of 'Tardicaca Hula Gal'\nJimmy: So I made up my mind that I've just got to find the Tardicaca girl I did adore.\nCampers: Wawawawander...\nJimmy: Hurr a little Tardicaca...\nCampers: Hula...\nJimmy: She's a candy cane to wiggle\nCampers: Hula...\nJimmy: She's sure to make you g-giggle.\nCampers: Hula...\nJimmy: With her naughty little wiggle. I know someday\nCampers: Hula...\nJimmy: I'm gonna try to make that Tardicaca gally mine, gally mine.'Cause all the while I'm dreaming of her. My Tardicaca Hola Gal! [begins playing the solo, but hits a B, which is off] Oh sorry, that's not right. Hang on. [tries playing it again, but this time hits an A. Behind some trees, Nathan and Mimsy look on]\nMimsy: Dahh I don't think he's playing the right note, boss. The C4 aint gonna go off.\nNathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy!\nScene Description: Intervention. Cartman continues to speak and now has a pile of notes to his right about two feet tall, enough for twelve thick books\nCartman: If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters, and I believe I've presented enough evidence here to prove that they are, then we must unite as a species to fight them and stop their plan of global domination and the control of our freedom. [puts the note on top of the pile and sits there quietly]\nJeff Van Vonderen: Okay, Stan, you want to go next?\nStan: [reads his note] Towelie, if you do not go to treatment, we will all ignore you forever. Will you go?\nTowel: What treatment?! What are you all talkin' about?!\nJeff Van Vonderen: If you say yes, we leave here, pack your things, get on a plane, go to a treatment facility in Southern California, it's all set up.\nTowelie: No! Fuck no! I'm not gettin' on, no fucking plane! This is bullshit! Don't give me fuckin' ultimatums! I thought you were my fuckin' friends.\nJeff Van Vonderen: Well Towelie, your friends don't wanna watch you kill yourself anymore.\nTowelie: Then fuck them! You're tellin' me I have to do this? Uh, I'm not left with any decisions here! [storms out of the intervention room]\nButters: [emotional] Towelie! We aren't the only ones in this intervention who've been hurt by you!\nTowelie: Who are you talkin' about?! [Butters pulls out Washcloth from his back pocket and cries] Washcloth? You, you brought Washcloth?! Oh, that's low.\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca, night. Jimmy is still singing \"Tardicaca Hula Gal\"\nJimmy: Out on the beach with my cute little peach where the waves are rolling in so highHolding her hand, our feet on the sand-\nNathan: Dammit dammit!\nScene Description: Jimmy has skipped the ukulele solo and moved on to the second verse of 'Tardicaca Hula Gal'. This has set back Nathan's plans immensely.\nNathan: Mimsy, get out there and demand the ukulele solo. It's our only chance.\nMimsy: Dahh okay boss. [goes towards the stage]\nJimmy: If you get in a pinch, go through, it's a cinch-\nMimsy: [at the stage] Darrr we want the ukulele solo! We want the ukulele solo!\nJimmy: Sorry Mims, I I just can't remember it.\nMimsy: Well we wants ya to play it, don't we?\nNathan: [behind the audience] Yeeeah!\nJimmy: Alright Mimsy, m-maybe you can show me how it's done. [hands the ukulele to Mimsy]\nMimsy: [hesitates, then] Dahh okay. It's real easy. You just play it like this. [takes the ukulele and begins to play]\nNathan: [runs up and takes the ukulele from Mimsy] Mimsssyyy! You idio', wha' are you doin'?\nMimsy: D'I was gonna show him how to play the solo, boss.\nNathan: That DOES it! I'm sick and tired of your stupidity, Mimsy! You are the biggest idiot I have ever met! And from now on, if I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it myself! [plays the solo and hits the right note. The ukulele blows up, launching him into the air] AAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: Nathan's frustration with Mimsy has caused a momentary lapse in judgement. He has played the B flat himself, thus causing his plan to literally backfire on him.\nNathan: [lands with a thud on the beach] Uuuh! [gets up and swoons. The black mamba snake comes up and bites him on the left arm] AAAH! [a group of Tardicaca Indians rides by and shoots arrows into him. He falls to the ground again. The Tardicaca shark comes up out of the water again and humps him, again.] No, not the shark again! Not the shark again!\nScene Description: The intervention room. Towelie, Butters, and the therapist are all crying as Washcloth just lays there at the edge of a sofa cushion.\nTowelie: Oh no, oh Washcloth, I'm so sorry.\nButters: He needs you to get better, Towelie. Please. [resumes crying]\nJeff Van Vonderen: You've got so many people that just love the heck out of ya, Towelie. [resumes crying]\nTowelie: All right. All right, I'll go.\nButters: You will?\nTowelie: I don't wanna hurt Washcloth anymore.\nJeff Van Vonderen: He's goin', everybody. Hugs! [the other boys come in and hug Towelie]\nScene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. The paramedics have been called in and are preparing Nathan for the trip to the hospital\n\"Elmer Fudd\": Ohh Wed Team. Your captain weawwy got waped.\n\"Pete Puma\": I've never seen a kid get screwed by a shark before. Heeee!\n\"Beaky Buzzard\": I hope I never see it again. Ahhahahaha.\nJimmy: Nathan, your team put up an amazing fight. And even though I was crowned the King of Cripple Camp, I want you to know that you were the real ch-cha, champ.\nNathan: I hate you, Jimmy. I fucking hate you with everything in my entire being.\nMimsy: Dahhh you sure got it stuck it to you this year, boss.\nNathan: Shut up... Mimsssyyy. [the paramedics lift Nathan into the ambulance and take off]\nScene Description: Towelie is shown in flight\nScene Description: Towelie is going to Ocean View Terrace Treatment Center in Rancho Palos Verdes, California\nScene Description: Towelie is shown approaching the front doors to the treatment center with a small suitcase\nCounselor: Hi, Towelie?\nTowelie: Yeah, hi.\nCounselor: [in his office] Towelie is definitely one of the most addicted towels we've ever seen here. He's probably the second most psychologically damaged towel I've come across since treating Kirstie Alley's towel, which, had seen some... uuff, some nasty stuff.\nTowelie: [on a bench overlooking the ocean] I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, but I'm learnin' to love what I am. I'm a towel.\nSinger: Veins swell You know me, Ellen Enough to tell Five steps, you're over\nScene Description: Towelie finished treatment and is back living with his girlfriend Rebecca. He has been sober since April 26, 2010.\nScene Description: If you know a towel that is suffering from addiction, please go to www.restorestephenbaldwin.org"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. School lets out for the day, but Cartman sits in front of his locker crying. Stan and Kyle come into view and walk towards him\nStan: Cartman, dude, what's wrong?\nCartman: [crying quietly] Nothing. Just leave me alone, okay?\nKyle: Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break. Something's going on.\nCartman: It's just uh... that essay that Garrison assigned us.\nKyle: \"What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up\"?\nCartman: I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright?! [buries his head in his lap and cries some more]\nStan: Why not?\nCartman: Because when I grow up, I wanna be something that I know I can never be, Stan!\nStan: [faces Cartman] Cartman, tell us.\nCartman: [sniffs] No... I wanna be a NASCAR driver, okay? When I see the... car races on TV, those... loud engines and peeling wheels, it's soo cool! [cries some more]\nStan: Well Cartman, if you wanna drive NASCAR when you grow up, you can.\nCartman: [cynically, walks off a bit] Oh right. Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver. [turns around and faces the boys] Look at me! [gestures to himself] Do you really think someone like this can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver? [turns away]\nKyle: Aww. Cartman, you can change things about yourself.\nCartman: No I can't; I'll always be like this. [wipes tears away]\nStan: Dude, noo, you- you don't know that.\nCartman: Come on you guys, I have to face facts. NASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes! [cries some more]\nKyle: [reassessing his assumption] What?!\nCartman: I'm not poor and stupid enough to do NASCAR, and I never will be!\nStan: Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like NASCAR!\nCartman: Oh really? Hey, hey Kenny!\nKenny: [looks up from his locker] (What?)\nCartman: You love NASCAR huh?\nKenny: [showing the posters inside his locker] (Yeah dude, I looove NASCAR.)\nCartman: You see I told you guys! [turns and walks to his locker] What's the use? It just, it's hopeless! [puts his arm on the locker and rests his head on his arm]\nKyle: Cartman, you are poor and you are stupid!\nCartman: [lifts his head up] I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack. [goes back to crying]\nStan: Dude, you are so retarded!\nCartman: Thanks, Stan, but even if I was I'd still be too rich.\nKyle: How are you rich?! Your mom pays for everything!\nCartman: [stops crying and brightens up] You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really believe in me. [smiles]\nKyle: I believe that you're a broke, ignorant idiot!\nCartman: Then maybe I can make myself believe it too. [getting confident] Thanks you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream. [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]\nScene Description: Butters' house, some time later. Cartman walks up to the front door and knocks. A smiling Butters walks up to the door and opens it\nCartman: Butters.\nButters: Hey Eric.\nCartman: Butters, the guys have been talkin' to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up. [pumps both fists] I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to do somethin' big and [pumps both fists] I'm psyched!\nButters: Ahhh well oh-[pumps his right fist] kay.\nCartman: But [points his right index finger at him] I'm gonna need your help. [points both index fingers at him] Can you get psyched?? Are you gonna get [pumps both fists twice] psyched up??\nButters: Eeyeah, I'm psyched.\nCartman: Get really psyched up, Butters!\nButters: [starts pacing back and forth with energy] I'm really psyched! Yeah! Yeah let's do this alright?! I'm pumped I'm psyched! Alright. Yeah.\nCartman: I'm gonna become a NASCAR driver, Butters. I'm goin' for the gold!\nButters: NASCA- NASCAR?\nCartman: I know, I'm not poor an' stupid enough. But I change that, Butters, [reaches to his left and pulls into view a water jug full of small change] Here, I want you to take all my money. Every bit of it, Butters. Fifty-eight dollars and thirty-two cents.\nButters: You're givin' away all your money??\nCartman: [points] Just get rid of it Butters! Don't tell me where you spend it and don't ever let me have it back. [lowers his finger] From this moment on, I am poor. Like Kenny.\nButters: You sure you want to do this?\nCartman: [points] I told you I'm serious, Butters. [lowers his finger] This is my shot. I'm gonna get as poor an' stupid as I possibly can.\nScene Description: The South Park Mall, evening. A NASCAR display is at the center of the mall, with car and a box of calendars, and a spokesman\nSpokesman: Alright folks, we wanna thank you all for comin' out an' supporting NASCAR.\nKenny: [takes a 2011 calendar] (Yeah! How cool!)\nSpokesman: Now who's ready for Saturday's big race? [the crowd cheers]\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nSpokesman: We're really excited to be part of the fastest-growing sport in America! [the crowd cheers]\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nSpokesman: I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized as a respected, legitimate sport. [the crowd cheers]\nKenny: (Yeah! Yeeaahh!)\nButters: [appears, hauling a cart] Hello! 'Scuse me! [the crowd quiets down and looks] I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all [shows off his haul] fifty-eight dollars worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! [turns around and skips away grinning] Heh! I helped the needy! [Kenny watches him leave]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman is on the sofa watching TV upside down. He strapped himself down so he doesn't slip off the sofa. His face is turning red from the blood pooling up under his skin\nMan 1: [voice-over] Boy I tell you what, it is raining cats and dogs outside. Mostly cats. [laughter] I just wish I had brought an umbrella.\nButters: Hey Eric.\nCartman: Ahh Butters. Did you give away all my money?\nButters: Yep. You don't have a penny left. [points] You're poor as shit. [looks him over] How come you're hangin' upside down?\nCartman: I need to get stupid, Butters. I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watchin' a marathon of Two and a Half Men.\nCharlie: Hey- that's a hot girl over there. [giggles]\nJake: Sure she's hot. She's wearing a sweater. [giggles. The studio audience giggles and applauds]\nButters: Feel stupid yet?\nCartman: Not yet.\nScene Description: Commercial - Vagisil\nWoman 1: When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to Vagisil-\nCartman: Aw Goddammit, another Vagisil commercial?!\nWoman 1: To stop feminine itching, and relieve vaginal odors.\nCartman: Fucking gross!\nButters: All those ladies have stinky vaginas?\nWoman 1: If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor. In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.\nWoman 2: For the freshest, cleanest feminine area, do what women do.\nCartman: [quickly rights himself and stands up] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Did you hear that?! [clicks on the remote control to reverse it, then plays and echoes the commercial] \"In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.\" [clicks the remote to pause the playback] Oh my God, Butters... [makes a fist with his left hand] we need Vagisil!\nScene Description: A supermarket. Cartman and Butters are in the feminine hygiene section\nCartman: \"Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength, Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes.\"\nButters: Gee-whiz, there's Vagi-everythings.\nCartman: Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of 'em, Butters.\nButters: Wuh- uh I'm buyin'?\nCartman: I'm totally poor Butters. Did you forget?\nButters: But but I uh, I uh, I didn't bring any money, I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil.\nCartman: Goddammit Butters! Alright just... just keep a lookout, I'll try it here. [positions him] Look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me. [As Butters keeps a look out, Cartman opens a tube of Vagisil anti-itch cream and begins to swallow it. Then he takes a bottle of wash and chugs that down, following that up with two more tubes, then more products] Is anybody coming?\nButters: No, you're good. [behind them a woman and her daughter walk by and stop to look. Cartman chugs down another bottle of feminine wash]\nCartman: Mm, 'kay, Mm. [throws the bottle away] N-oh, ew, okay, now it's... [grabs a tube of maximum strength anti-itch cream]\nWoman 3: Little boy, what are you doing? [Cartman looks over his shoulder, then turns around to look at her. Butters notices and does the same. A few seconds later, Cartman turns away]\nCartman: Oh my God! Butters! [taps Butters' shoulder and Butters turns around] I feel kind of stupid!\nButters: Really?\nCartman: Yes, YES! I'm feeling totally stupid right now.\nButters: That was fast.\nCartman: Grab what you can and let's get out of here. I'm ready!\nScene Description: Race day at Colorado National Speedway. The NASCAR drivers are lined up in two columns awaiting the start of the race.\nAnnouncer: We're just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300. [Dale Evans is shown in his car]\nButters: Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir? [Dale looks over to his left. Butters is in the pit stop] Your uh, your wife is on the phone and- uh, well- she just got raped.\nDale: What?\nButters: Yeah, she got, she got raped a lot and uhhh- and you gotta go talk to her.\nDale: Oh my God! [gets out of his car, throws down his helmet, and goes to the pit area]\nCartman: [walks towards the car] Sweet. Nice work, Butters. Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing! [puts on the helmet and climbs into the car]\nButters: [now on the walkie-talkie] Eric, are you sure you can do this?\nCartman: [Swallows another tube of Vagisil] Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid. I'm ready for NASCAR.\nAnnouncer: Let the race begin!\nCartman: Let's go NASCAR! [the other drivers zoom past him. He steers the wheel, but realizes] I'm not moving, Butters.\nButters: I think you gotta press the gas pedal.\nCartman: What's that?\nButters: There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot.\nCartman: Oh okay. [leans down to press it. He burns rubber and takes off, as \"La Grange\" by ZZ Top plays] Let's go NASCAR! [he immediately crashes into the wall and tries to power out of it. Suddenly, he turns left and goes back the other way]\nAnnouncer: It looks like the Dale Evans car is going the wrong way!\nCartman: Kewl, NASCAR! Sweet! [the other drivers round the corner and avoid him. Car #78 crashes through the wall and plows up the bleachers. Cartman tries to turn around but goes up into the air and into the pit area. Everyone there gets out of the way. He hits a low wall and goes up into the air again...]\nCartman: [abash] Oh, fuck my ass! [he lands in a lake by the Winners Circle.]\nButters: [on the walkie-talkie and mortified] Eric?\nScene Description: A hospital recovery room, night. Cartman is laid up in bed, and Butters is keeping him company. Cartman's right leg is in a cast and up in a sling\nCartman: All that work... All the effort I put in... I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.\nButters: Eric, uh you were as poor and stupid as you could be.\nCartman: [looks away] Don't you get it Butters?! It's never gonna happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be. I might as well kill myself.\nButters: Eric! Don't ever talk like that!\nCartman: I've given away all my money! Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have! But it still wasn't enough.\nDoctor: [enters the room] Alright Eric, we got the X-rays back.\nButters: How bad is it, doctor?\nDoctor: He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees, and a level 2 concussion. He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean.\nButters: Well at least there's that.\nCartman: Just pull the plug on me, doctor. I don't wanna live like this.\nDoctor: You aren't on life-support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.\nCartman: Aw donkey balls...\nDoctor: You're lucky to be alive, young man. Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack and hijacking a car for a joyride? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing! [walks away]\nCartman: Thanks, doc, but you aren't gonna make me feel any better.\nDoctor: [turns around] No, really. Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake! [walks out of the room]\nButters: Did you hear that, Eric? See? You are really stupid.\nCartman: Could it be I... only lost the race because I somehow wasn't poor enough?\nButters: It has to be, Eric. [Cartman moves his right leg out of the sling and gets out of bed.] Eric, where are you going?\nCartman: Get me my coat, Butters. We're gonna try this thing again. [Butters brightens up]\nScene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny is reading a NASCAR magazine on the sofa\nFOX 11 anchor: You're watching Colorado FOX 11. Next on FOX 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid? [Kenny looks up] Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan apparently got high on Vagisil and snuck onto the track, killing eleven people.\nReporter: Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday and crashed in the lake behind me. He was later found to have ingested this [holds up a tube] Maximum Strength Vagisil. And also Vagisil medicated wipes. Making NASCAR fans look ...pretty stupid, Tom.\nKenny: [closes his magazine and throws it on the sofa in a blind rage] (No! NASCAR fans aren't stupid! Cartman is!)\nReporter: The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he'll win.\nKenny: (Oh that fucking asshole!) [gets off the couch and walks out the front door, vexed] (Oh that fucking asshole, I'm gonna talk to him...)\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. A vile Kenny walks over to Cartman's house, goes up the steps, and he furiously pounds and kicks at the front door until Cartman answers it\nCartman: Oh hey, Kenny! [Kenny is not happy and his arms are crossed]\nKenny: [furious] (Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!)\nCartman: Come in dude, I wanna show you what I've been workin' on. [Kenny follows him in. Cartman shows him all the stuff he purchased - a jet ski, a Room-bot, a 7.1 speaker system, a plasma TV, an LCD monitor, a VHS/DVD combo player] Check it out. I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family, but then I realized: what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right? [Kenny is still pissed off]\nKenny: (Dude, fuck you!)\nCartman: Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at NASCAR.\nKenny: (Being poor has nothing to do with NASCAR!)\nCartman: [annoyed] Hey, I love NASCAR just as much as you do!\nKenny: [apoplectically] (NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T!!)\nCartman: Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I've had to become poor all on my own, you know?! I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth!\nKenny: [thinks for a moment] (WHAT?!)\nCartman: I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years my-self! I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do! [Kenny raises his fists up, but Cartman hugs him with one arm] Look Keh- Kenny, Kenny. We shouldn't be fighting. We both love NASCAR and we're both poor as shit.\nMan: [appears at the front door] Uh, excuse me. [Cartman sees him and walks to the door] Eric Cartman?\nCartman: Yeah?\nMan: My name is Geoff Hamill. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil.\nCartman: ...Uh oh.\nGeoff Hamill: Young man, your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil and honestly, I don't know how to thank you. Our sales are up and women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated. I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty. [steps aside to reveal Patty standing halfway out in the yard] She's my Muse, my flame. We realized that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition and so, Vagisil has a little present... for you. [turns around and walks out, showing off a brand-new Vagisil NASCAR car]\nCartman: Awww, sweet! [runs to the car, then runs his right hand over the body] No way, this is so tits!\nGeoff Hamill: Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race.\nCartman: Dude, check it out, Kenny! My very own NASCAR!\nKenny: [angrily in disbelief] (No fucking way!)\nGeoff Hamill: And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child.\nCartman: Aww coool, huh Kenny? [Makes engine revving and shift change noises] I got a NASCAR, Kenny! [Geoff looks at Kenny, smiling] So awesome, huh Kenny? [Kenny can only look on angrily]\nScene Description: A conference room, day. A NASCAR spokesman holds a mic\nAnnouncer: We are now live at the NASCAR press conference, where the drivers of Saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters.\nReporter 1: So uh what's your guys' take on the track here? Any concerns? [present are Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Eric Cartman, and Matt Kenseth]\nJimmie Johnson: Well I think it's a fine track, you know. The- the techs have done a really good job of makin' sure the banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problems-\nCartman: [doing a redneck accent and acting completely stupid] Yeah, we like the track, yup. We gotta graft them banks an' specs, it's like an oval, so we're gonna drive straight and then we're gonna be turnin' to the left.\nReporter 2: Uhhh they're saying hot weather tomorrow; any concerns about restrictor plate or brake fade problems?\nJeff Gordon: Of course, any time you're dealin' with high humidity and temperatures you need to compensate your brake fluid, but the plates themselves-\nCartman: Compensate yer blake fluid an' git yer, git yer... b-brake workin' so you can stop sometimes.\nDale Earnhardt, Jr.: Hey excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver?\nCartman: Ewww, bring it on, Earnhardt, you scared of the competition?! I'm just as poor an' stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fayast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes!\nDanica Patrick: Can we just, get back to the subject of racing, please?\nCartman: Uh-ho! Bring it on, Danica! You dumb bitch! Think I can't steer left better than you?!\nScene Description: After the press conference, Cartman meets up with Butters\nButters: You seemed really stupid, Eric.\nCartman: Thanks, B-butts. I really think I can hold my own against these guys. Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy though; he seems dumber than spit. And that Danica Patrick chick? Phew! We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters. Both of us.\nScene Description: Mick's Lanes. Kenny is at the bar drinking glass after glass of water, looking depressed. On TV, Pardon The Interruption airs\nTony Kornheiser: Alright, from the NFL we now turn to the world of NASCAR! People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast.\nScene Description: Cartman is in a studio of his making; a confederate flag hangs on the wall, a checkered flag with NASCAR next to it hangs above a propane grill (indoors) an unmade bed in the background. He himself looks like he's wasted on Vagisil. He clears his throat and begins recording\nCartman: Alright, what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off! So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind. Today I'm gonna be dippin'... [holds up a bottle] Vagisil Regular Strength Anti-Itch Creme. [squeezes some out and rubs it all over his lips] Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a big dipper right there. But I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out. I found out this \"Obama\" wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! [spits into a can] What the fuck is up with that?! That's fuckin' gay! And he's fuckin' gay as hell! [Kenny buries his face in the counter, in shame. On screen, Butters appears behind Cartman] You all know my pit boss, Butters. [Butters appears over by the grill, also with a mouthful of Vagisil]\nButters: Obama's fuckin' gay.\nCartman: He's fuckin' gay as hell!\nButters: Pissin' me off!\nCartman: [dips again and rubs it on his lips] So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor an' stupid as they fuckin' come, so come down an' cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday! Obama's gay as hell!\nTony Kornheiser: [back to Kenny sitting watching TV at Mick's Lanes] Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR really is just for the poor... [sharply] and the stupid.\nKenny: [Kenny has enough as he slammed his fist in anger] (Fuck this!) [leaves the bar, livid]\nScene Description: Saturday at Colorado National Speedway. The Vagisil car is prepared as Cartman sits in it\nCommentator 1: The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the NASCAR year.\nCommentator 2: Lots of speculation and interest in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman. We are joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil, Geoff Hamill.\nGeoff: Thank you, Chris.\nChris: [Commentator 2] Geoff? Why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver?\nGeoff: Vagisil is very excited to be part of the NASCAR phenomenon, Chris. You know, I... first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty. She is my Muse, my flame. Wherever Patty goes her smile lights up the room. Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks.\nCommentator 1: Ohkay, well the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track?\nAnnouncer: [Over the PA system] Gentlemen, start your engines! [the crowd begins to cheer]\nCartman: Alright, \"start your engine.\" What's that mean?\nPit crewman: That means you flip the switch that says \"Engine.\" [to Butters] Is he stupid or what?\nButters: Yeah, he's a champion alright.\nScene Description: At the Speedway entrance, Kenny approaches the racetrack entrance with a tote bag\nSecurity guard: Check your bag please, sir? [Kenny hands him the bag. The guard checks the bag and pulls out a long rifle] No, no, see, this won't do. You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track.\nKenny: (Aww, come on!)\nSecurity guard: Look, NASCAR is trying to change its image. It's people like you that are givin' NASCAR a bad name!\nKenny: (Aw come on, fuck you!) [enters]\nSecurity guard: You might be able to buy one in the gift shop. [inside, the cars begin to move down pit lane]\nScene Description: On the track\nAnnouncer: [Over the PA] The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car.\nCartman: [in the redneck accent] Then I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward. [does so and rear-ends #78, then back up and swerves onto the track and sideswipes #95 and #78] NASCAR! Yee-ah!\nPit crewman: This is just the pace lap, you don't go full speed yet!\nCartman: Yeah, just the pace lap! I'm gonna hit the, hit the brake! [hits the brakes and #7 runs into him. Danica Patrick is the driver]\nDanica Patrick: [infuriated] The fuck are you doing?!\nCartman: [gives her the middle finger] Fuck you, Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal! [steps on the gas and peels away. Other cars pass Danica, whose engine is now on fire]\nDanica Patrick: Oh, son of a bitch!\nCartman: Woowee, ain't nobody can stop muhey!\nScene Description: in the sports booth\nCommentator 1: And it looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race.\nChris: Yea, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this. What do you think, Mr. Hamill?\nGeoff Hamill: Vagisil is a company that really stands behind its product, Chris. We want women to know that Vagisil is effective, safe for use every day, [looks at Patty and enunciates] Every. Day. [she just stands there] Every. Day. [she looks down and away] ...And available nationwide.\nScene Description: On the track, the racers speeding on each other, Cartman side smashes the #52 car to a wall causing it to spin out\nButters: Be careful up here about a hundred yards, Eric. There's a wrecked car on the right side. [Danica Patrick finally comes out of her car] You're gonna wanna watch for it here. You're gonna wanna watch it over on the right side.\nCartman: Oh yeah, I see it. [Cartman avoids the car, but runs over Danica, who was trying to make it across the track to the field inside]\nDanica Patrick: AAAAAA! [Cartman keeps going and ran over her]\nCartman: [looks over his right shoulder, then faces forward again] You see that? Daynicuh Patrick tried to get in my way. That pisses me off!\nButters: That's fuckin' gay as hell.\nCartman: Whoop I'm comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to stayer left. [turns the steering wheel hard to the left and drives through the drivers' eating area and the pedestrians all running and screaming, Cartman ran over most of them and some survived by running from the side] Get out of the way you idiots, I'm tryin' to win this dayum thang! \"[Cartman made it back on the track]\"\nButters: There you go. You're back on the track.\nCartman: I'm back own the track. [An enraged Kenny makes his way down the bleacher steps towards the track. He jumps onto the track and lands on the Vagisil car. He turns around on the car roof and looks into the car through the windshield, Cartman also enraged as well] What the... Kenny! What the hell are you doing?!\nKenny: [pounds on the windshield] (Stop this car!)\nCartman: [irked] Get off my car, Kenny!\nKenny: [inflamed] (Stop this car right now!)\nButters: Oh man, now our friend Kenny's tryin' to break the windshield. Ain't that just gay as hell? [the #14 car is getting its wheels changed when Cartman barrels into it, causing it to flip over and land on its pit crew, killing them]\nCartman: We're tradin' paint! [further down the track he hits two other cars, which then slammed into each other. Back to Cartman, he's furious] Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I have to prove myself!\nKenny: [incensed] (I fucking hate you!)\nCartman: [determined and angered] Sorry dude, I'm winning this race! Hit the brake! Bye Kenny. [steps on the brakes, launching Kenny at the end of the track]\nKenny: (AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...) [goes a long distance before the first bounce, then bounces a few more times. Two other cars remain on the track, and they pass Cartman]\nDriver: Oh Jesus, there's a little boy on the track. [the two cars swerve just in time, but one crashes into the outer wall, the other into the inner wall, Kenny ducks]\nScene Description: in the booth\nChris: Well it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the Vagisil car remains. Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill.\nGeoff Hamill: This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris. Our product awareness will be at an all-time high. Feminine odor must be treated diligently. [looks over at Patty] Very. Diligently. [a look of shock crosses his face. Patty is gone. The cameramen wonder what's going on.] Patty? Patty?\nScene Description: On the track, Patty walks over to the #48 car and pulls its driver out. She climbs in\nAnnouncer: It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmie Johnson's car. [Mr. Hamill and the commentators join him in his booth]\nGeoff Hamill: What? [Patty gets the car started and backs up. Determined, she takes off as \"La Grange\" starts playing again]\nLowes pit boss: Ma'am? You are on an active racetrack. This is extremely dangerous.\nGeoff Hamill: Let me talk to her. [puts on the pit boss's headphones] Patty? Patty, what are you doing? [Patty skillfully drives the car around the track] Patty, pull over the NASCAR. You're acting irrationally. Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your Vagisil. There should be some in your purse, my Muse. Patty? [she reaches Cartman and taps his car with Johnson's]\nScene Description: On the track, Patty hits Cartman from behind.\nCartman: Aww! You dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck mah car.\nButters: I know. That pisses me off. That's fuckin' gay.\nCartman: Fuckin' gay as hell. [Patty pulls up to his left, taps him a bit, then pulls away.]\nGeoff Hamill: Patty, you are my Muse, and my flame.\nAnnouncer: They are neck and neck approaching the finish line. [This time she bumps him off. Cartman's car spins out then flips up in the air...]\nCartman: [Shocked] Oh, fuck my ass again! [...and crashes upside down into the outer wall. Patty goes onto the finish line, getting the victory for Jimmie Johnson]\nGeoff Hamill: [Geoff is frustrated] HAAAAAAAAAA!\nScene Description: Moments later, at the winners' circle. Lots of cheers as Patty Hamill shows off the huge trophy, an angry Geoff walks to her\nAnnouncer: Big celebration for the Lowe's Home Improvement team.\nGeoff Hamill: Patty! How could you?! You've ruined us! You've ruined Vagisil!\nScene Description: nearby, Cartman and Butters look on, Cartman's NASCAR racesuit is slightly has ash and his hair as well, while he brush himself off in defeat. Kenny walks up to Cartman and angrily points\nKenny: (HA! You fucking lose!) [crosses his arms in triumph]\nCartman: No, no, Kenny, go ahead. I deserve it. [Kenny is confused] I thought I could just waltz onto a racetrack and do what these people do. But I owe you an apology. The truth is I'm just too smart. And with how smart I am I'll always be successful and therefore have money. I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR. Time for me to give it up. Alright Butters, give me back my money.\nButters: [flabbergasted] Huh?\nCartman: [livid] The fifty eight dollars and thirty two cents I gave you! I want it back!\nButters: Uh, but- but you- you said I had to [begins to stammer, both walk off, as Kenny stares in confusion] s-spend on it on the... buy what I can start buyin' and start way in- bu- so get buy- [unintelligible]\nCartman: Goddammit Butters, you'd better have it! Butters, you're always trying to screw me over!\nButters: But you said to take your money so I took it by [unintelligible] Ah I don't know."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dining room table, evening. The family is gathered at table eating dinner\nKyle: Mom, Dad, what's \"muff cabbage\"? [Gerald and Sheila pause. They look at each other, then turn back to their son]\nGerald: [confused] Muff cabbage?\nSheila: [also confused] Where did you hear that?\nIke: Muff cabbage!\nKyle: The new neighbors that moved in next to Stan's house. Me and Ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop \"muff cabbage\".\nIke: Muff cabbage.\nSheila: A new family moved in? Where are they from?\nKyle: She said they're from New Jersey.\nSheila: [drops her fork] New Jersey? A family from New Jersey moved in next to the Marshes?\nKyle: Yeah. Stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight.\nSheila: [fearful, quickly leaves her chair and walks off a bit] Oh, God. Poor Sharon. Doesn't she know?\nKyle: Know what, Ma?\nIke: Muff cabbage!\nSheila: Never invite a New Jersey housewife into your home.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The table has been enlarged to accommodate their guests - a family with three kids. Grandpa Marsh is not at the table\nTeresa: [at the head of the table. Sharon is to her right] And so then I met the school principal. What's her name? Principal Victoria? What a stupid bitch! I mean, excuse my language, but that bitch needs her fuckin' head examined!\nScene Description: Teresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives\nTeresa: Yeah, so my family and I moved from Jersey to South Park about a week ago. So far, I can tell that everyone here really likes me.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time\nTeresa: Oh! And I met that Stotch woman. What's her name?\nSharon: Oh, Linda, huh?\nTeresa: Have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? You can tell that woman is a piece of garbage. She's garbage! [the girls at the table just look on and continue eating] I went into the mall here and I just about dropped dead. The only panties you can buy makes you look like you got a grandma muff! Where's the Gucci? Where's the Prada? Have they heard of Italian clothes? It's ridiculous!\nJoe: [as Teresa rattles on] So, Randy, what gyms are good around here? Where do you work out?\nRandy: I don't really work out.\nJoe: Well, I gotta find somethin'. [flexes his left biceps] My biceps are goin' flat.\nTeresa: Where can you get good clothes in this town?! Nowhere! I mean, that's why you're stuck wearing garbage like that, right? And the woman that works the hair salon? Julia? Have you seen how big that bitch's ears are?\nSharon: Oh, Julia's a friend of mine, yeah.\nTeresa: Ears out to here! [spreads her arms out as far as they could go] So I tell her, \"You got big ears, sweetie.\" I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a Jersey thing. Why be offended? [to Sharon] I mean, you've got a big chin. We've all got imperfections.\nSharon: Right, just like your eyes are kind of far apart. [Teresa's expression changes to a dark mood]\nScene Description: Teresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives\nTeresa: That was totally uncalled for, for what she did. My eyes are too far apart? And like who is she? Is she God? No.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time\nTeresa: You don't ever, ever! You whack job, prostitution... [slams her hands on the table] ...whore! You probably sell your muff... [slams her hands on the table] ...for six dollars! You fucking psycho bitch! Fuck you! [lifts the table, which causes it to dump the food on the floor. Sharon quickly hides behind Randy] You're nothin' but garbage! [Joe comes up and restrains her from behind] That's what you are! You're garbage! [Stan's eyes dart back and forth] You sick, old woman! Muff garbage! [Joe takes her into the kitchen] Muff cabbage! Fuck this psycho bitch!\nSharon: Wow.\nTeresa: Let's get the fuck outta here! She's a fuckin' pig! She's fuckin' pissin' me off! [to Joe] Okay, I love you.\nJoe: Take it easy.\nTeresa: I love you. [they kiss] I love you.\nScene Description: Teresa's new home\nTeresa: I thought I was gonna deck her. I was fine. I was really fine. I just wanted to get my point across to her, and then that's how I am. [she takes Joe's hand and walks him back into the dining room] Like I could be mad one minute and then I'll be fine.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time\nTeresa: Okay, all better. Just had to get that out. It's just... it's a Jersey thing. So, who wants dessert? Meeee!\nScene Description: At Sizzler, day. The boys are having lunch there\nStan: You guys do not understand. Having neighbors from Jersey is the worst! All night long they keep me awake! They're either screaming at each other or making some disgusting sex sounds. It seems like all people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other!\nCartman: You know what you do when you want a family to move away? Every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep.\nKyle: [glaring at him] Is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning?\nCartman: Oops, busted. [avoids eye contact]\nStan: They talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason, and every time they act like selfish assholes, they just go, \"Oh, it's a Jersey thing. It's a Jersey thing.\"\nJersey Man: Hey, you talkin' 'bout Jersey? Me and my friends are from Jersey.\nCartman: Aw, crap, there's more of them?\nJersey Man: 'Ey, come on, there's people from Jersey all over! Who here is from Jersey? [a lot of people respond excitedly]\nScene Description: Highlight. The Jersey man is Steve \"Last Call\"\nSteve \"Last Call\": So I'm like standin' there, and I'm like, \"Who's from Jersey?\", and people are all like, \"Yo! Woo-hoo!\" Next thing you know, Jersey party at Sizzler. [the restaurant is transformed into a club]\nScene Description: Sizzler, later on. Everyone is dancing except the boys, music is pumping, lights flash all around\nWoman: [nude in a in a Jacuzzi] Yeah, let's get this party started. [a random fight breaks out]\nKyle: Where the hell are they coming from?! [a bottle of Corona beer lands in front of the boys and shatters]\nScene Description: South Park Salon, day. Sharon approaches it. Inside...\nTeresa: Danielle was being a stupid bitch.\nWoman 1: Shut up, Teresa. You're pathetic!\nTeresa: I'm pathetic? You're muff gabbage! [Sharon walks into the salon. Teresa gets up to greet her] Oh, Sharon! [they hug] Hi, sweetie. You gotta meet our new neighbors. This is Jacqueline. She's from Jersey.\nJacqueline: And Sicilian.\nTeresa: That's Danielle. She's from Jersey. [Danielle is extremely tanned] And that's Caroline.\nCaroline: I'm having my face shaved. It's a Jersey thing.\nSalon Girl: I'm sorry, but I have other clients in ten minutes. Can you sit down? [Teresa didn't like that request]\nScene Description: Highlight.\nJacqueline: When the salon girl told Teresa to sit down, I thought Teresa was gonna bust a tit.\nScene Description: the salon\nTeresa: Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!\nCaroline: Teresa! Calm down.\nSalon Girl: I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!\nTeresa: Get her, Sharon!\nSharon: What?\nJacqueline: Sharon, just stay out of it!\nCaroline: Be the bigger person, Sharon!\nSharon: You people are crazy.\nCaroline: Who's crazy? Are you talkin' about my family?! [grabs Sharon by the hair as she screams] Is my family crazy?!\nTeresa: Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! [pulls Sharon back by the hair]\nSheila: [barges in ready to fight] Let go of her, you piece of trash! [the other ladies turn to look]\nTeresa: Who the fuck are you to tell ME what to do?!\nSheila: [walks up to the women] All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!\nTeresa: Psycho bitch!\nSheila: [slaps her hand away] No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho biiitch! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy! [the Jersey women begin to leave]\nJacqueline: [turns to look at Sheila] You're cabbage! [then leaves]\nSharon: Sheila?\nScene Description: At the South Park Community Center, evening. Randy has the floor as the other townsfolk sit and listen\nRandy: People of South Park! We have all noticed a steep rise in everything Jersey lately. As many of you already know, everything east of the Rockies is now part of New Jersey! The Jersey Shore now includes Jacksonville, Miami, the Gulf of Jersey Mexico, and the Jersey Islands. [this includes Puerto Rica and Cuba]\nMr. Garrison: Jesus! Why are they doing this?\nRandy: More people from Jersey are showing up in our town! If we don't do something, South Park is going to become West Jersey.\nJimbo: Well, that does it! Let's go tell everyone from Jersey we don't want 'em here!\nAll: Yeah!\nSheila: That won't work. You can't just tell people from Jersey you don't like them. No matter how obnoxious they are, they will convince themselves that you all actually think they're cool.\nJimbo: How do you know that, Ms. Broflovski? [Sheila is on the spot.]\nScene Description: Highlight.\nSheila: That's when I knew I had to tell everyone the truth: that originally I'm from Jersey. [the adults present are Stephen and Linda Stotch, Randy and Sharon Marsh, Stuart McCormick, his wife, and Liane Cartman] Yes, born and raised, I wasn't even called Sheila back then. In Jersey I was known as S-Woww Tittybang. [a picture of her is shown] I drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face. [a picture of one such incident is shown] Living in South Park, I'm able to control the Jersey side of me, which doesn't really come out unless I get around other people from Jersey. [turns away from the other adults] I'm just really hoping that people here don't judge me for it, or or, somehow, you know, hold it against me.\nSharon: Sheila, who are you talking to?\nSheila: You wouldn't understand. It's a Jersey thing. [walks away]\nScene Description: The park, basketball court, day. The boys - Stan, Kenny and Cartman - are playing basketball. Kenny has the ball and is trying to get past Cartman\nCartman: You ain't gettin' by that way, Kenny!\nKyle: [approaching] Hey, dudes.\nCartman: [takes the ball from Kenny and confronts Kyle] Oh, well, well, well. Look what the cat threw up in the litter box. Come on, guys. We don't wanna be seen hanging around him.\nKyle: What are you talking about?\nCartman: Dude, we heard the news! Your mom is from Jersey!\nKyle: So what?\nCartman: So what?! That makes you from Jersey!\nKyle: No, it doesn't!\nCartman: [turns around] He's from Jersey, you guys. [inches away] Let's just get away from him.\nKyle: I'm not from Jersey. I was born here.\nCartman: Don't try and deny it! You're one of them, dude. And by my account, that's strike three!\nKyle: What's strike three?!\nScene Description: Cartman removes his hat from his head, revealing his large curly red hair.\nCartman: You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey! Three strikes, Kyle! You're out!\nKyle: Shut the fuck up! [grabs his hat back and puts it on, then looks at the other boys] What?\nStan: Did you know your mom was from Jersey?\nKyle: Why does it matter?!\nStan: No, uh, it just explains a lot.\nCartman: [moves Kyle aside] Oh, my God! Kyle is even starting to look like he's from Jersey! His skin is turning orange!\nKyle: No, it isn't!\nCartman: Yes, it is. It's getting oranger.\nStan: Stop it, Cartman. Just 'cause Kyle's mom is a Jersey asshole doesn't mean Kyle is.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nCartman: Okay, you do what you want, guys. As for me, well, you're a heartless backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle, and I shan't be playing basketball with the likes of you. [walks away, then turns and glares at him] And I'm gonna start crappin' on your doorstep a lot more!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is brushing his teeth when he looks at himself in the mirror and then checks out his hands and his face. He takes his toothbrush out of his mouth and drops it into the sink, then checks out his hat\nKyle: No. [removes his hat] Couldn't be. [opens the top drawer of the vanity and pulls out a pair of scissors. He begins to cut his hair, slowly, then faster and faster. He gets some styling gel and rubs it into his hair. He gets a razor out to shape his eyebrows, cuts more of his hair off, rips the sleeves off his shirt, gets a bracelet and puts it on his right forearm, gets more gel and rubs a design onto his shirt, then is shocked at what he sees in the mirror] Oh, my God.\nSheila: [knocks on the bathroom door] Kyle? You in there?\nKyle: Hold on. Ah, I'm, ah... n-not right now. [goes about putting stuff away and closing all the drawers]\nSheila: Kyle, open the door.\nKyle: Not now, Mom. Please.\nSheila: Kyle, this instant! One, two. [Kyle goes to the door]\nKyle: All right, all right. [opens the door and see his mom, who's really Jerseyfied herself. He's speechless]\nSheila: I guess we need to talk.\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom, minutes later. She and Kyle are sitting on his bed\nSheila: I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.\nKyle: [enunciating] What am I, Mom?\nSheila: When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.\nKyle: [getting scared] What are you saying?!\nSheila: I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.\nKyle: [looks at his new look] No! I don't wanna look like this!\nSheila: It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.\nIke: [walks by and looks] Aaaaiiiiihhhhh! [faints on his back]\nKyle: I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!\nScene Description: a news program comes on\nAnnouncer: Live from St. Louis, New Jersey! It's the \"Jersey News\" with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi!\nP-Train: What's up, New Jersey? It's the evenin' news. Our top story tonight: many Jersey people are freakin' pissed after a small town in Colorado got all aggro on some decent Jersey folk! For more on this story we go to Chicago.\nReporter: People here in Chicago, New Jersey are riled up, P-Train. Apparently, a town called South Park, which is at the border of Denver, New Jersey, is discriminating against people from Jersey! They won't sell houses to people from Jersey, and they're making all the ones who moved in move out. [the Giudice family is forcibly hauled out of their new home and stuffed into their car] And they're takin' down all the Jersey-owned shops! [South Park Salon is bombed and everyone in there runs out] It's like these people got a beef with Jersey. What's up with that?!\nTan Jovi: What's up with that?!\nP-Train: What's up with that?!\nTan Jovi: Well, we are coming after you, South Park! We fight discrimination! It's a Jersey thing!\nScene Description: South Park, night, town square. The townsfolk have brought everything they could think of to form a barricade against the Jersey folk. Randy is on the line\nRandy: Please, Governor. You have to send your troops to join us in this fight. We're just a small town. We can't stop New Jersey on our own.\nSchwarzenegger: Ve are very sore-y, but Cal-i-for-ni-a cannot afford helping you at this time.\nRandy: Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?\nSchwarzenegger: No, because U-tah is between Colo-rah-do and Cal-i-for-ni-a.\nRandy: Oh. Fine! But when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, who's next?!\nSchwarzenegger: Nevada.\nRandy: Oh, really? Well, okay, Mr. I'm-Awesome-at-Geography!\nScene Description: South Park, night, town square. In the shadows, Kyle gives Kenny a rifle as Cartman walks up. Stan gives another rifle to Kyle\nCartman: What the hell are you guys doing?!\nStan: Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.\nCartman: [points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here?! He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!\nKyle: I told you Cartman, I'm not one of them! I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!\nCartman: Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?!\nKyle: That's enough!\nCartman: Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Ginger! Admit it!\nKyle: Aaaarrghhhhhh! [runs at Cartman and pins him hard against a tree] I'm not one of them! Do you understand me?! You'd better get that through your fat head! I will never be one of them, and if you say it again, I swear to God, I'll smash your fucking teeth in! [lets go and walks away angrily. Cartman backs up a bit without saying a word, then breaks down wailing]\nCartman: [Whining] That hurt my throat because he pushed it right here, and then the back of my head hit the treeee! There was... there was... there was bark, and it scratched it! [Stan and Kenny walk away silently] Did you see the scratch, Keeenney?!\nScene Description: South Park, night, town square. Randy is on the line looking for other support\nRandy: Please, Emperor Akishino! We need Japan's help to fight these people! [waits for an answer] Fine! But you Japs will all be eatin' hoagies in a month! [throws his cell phone away and claps his hands free of it] That's it, nobody's gonna help us! We're on our own!\nStuart: We can't take on all of Jersey. We have to find support.\nRandy: There is no support! Every ally America ever had is... [thinks of something] Wait a minute. [strokes his chin] Sometimes when a threat is great enough, you have to turn to your enemies for help.\nMr. Garrison: What are you talking about?\nRandy: We could ask Al Qaeda.\nStephen: [steps forward] Ask Al Qaeda for help? After what they did to us?!\nRandy: Maybe it's time we put our differences aside and forgive them.\nStephen: And what about the families of the victims of 9/11? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damn it!\nBar Patron 1: Hey! Hey, we got a problem! You've gotta get some people down to the bar quick! There's trouble!\nRandy: People from Jersey?\nBar Patron 1: I don't know what the hell I saw.\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Officer Barbrady's cruiser is parked out front. Officer Barbrady and other men from the town search the bar in the darkness with flashlights\nSkeeter: It tore a hole in my meat locker. Smashed the cigarette machine in half.\nBarbrady: Alright, come out now. Make it easy on yourself. [a soft, high growl is heard and a figure runs by in the shadows, bumping into a few tables. The figure runs by again, grunting. The flashlights follow the sound and find a woman who looks like a troll cowering in a corner. Her arms are really short, her ears are elfin, her skin is orange and her black hair is styled in a beehive hairdo]\nBar Patron 2: It's one of them! That thing's from Jersey, too! [the thing moves closer to the ATM and smokes]\nRandy: What is it?\nBar Patron 2: It's called a Snooki. It's very famous. [Snooki sips from her drink and eats straight out of a pickle jar]\nRandy: That thing is famous? Why?\nBar Patron 2: I don't know!\nJimbo: Well, what are we waitin' for? Let's kill it! [aims his shotgun and fires at her. She drops the pickle jar and it shatters.]\nSnooki: [walking away from the ATM] Snooo-ki.\nRandy: Don't let it get away! Where is it?! [hears a sound] Who was that?! [his beam lands on Snooki, who has taken Stephen Stotch down and is raping him]\nStephen: Aaagh! Get it off of me!\nSnooki: [raping him] Snooki smoosh.\nStephen: Shoot it! [another gunshot is heard and Snooki heads for a window and jumps out through it, running away]\nScene Description: South Park Square, night. Cartman has left his usual friends and is talking to a group of other boys from his class: Bradley, Jason, Butters, Fosse, DogPoo, and Bill\nCartman: So then he grabs my throat, right? And he slams my head into a tree! And then he screams, \"I'll smash your teeth in!\" My head is all like gashed open.\nButters: Kyle did that? Gee whiz.\nCartman: I'm telling you guys, he's getting worse. The Jersey in Kyle is coming out. I don't see any other choice. We have to kidnap Kyle and lock him in the meat freezer at Sizzler. [Kyle is cleaning his rifle nearby and lifts his head to see what the other boys are doing] Hey, Kyle. 'Sup? Kind of nice out tonight, huh? [Kyle returns to cleaning his rifle. Cartman then moves to the opposite side of the circle] He has to be put away, and he has to be put away now!\nButters: Are you being serious?\nCartman: This is very serious, Butters.\nButters: Yeah, but lockin' Kyle in a meat freezer? I mean, he could die.\nCartman: Well if he does, too bad! Did you see the scratch on my head?! [Kyle looks up again. Cartman notices and turns to look back at him] Hey, Kyle. [stretches] Uhh... Dude, do you smell raspberries? I smell raspberries. Ho? Huh. [turns around and goes into a low voice as Kyle watches from nearby] We need to do this now. At some point, he might start suspecting something's up.\nScene Description: Al Qaeda headquarters in the caves of Afghanistan. Al Qaeda members go about their business\nOperative: [walks up to bin Laden with a package] Istagia makuman? [bin Laden turns around and takes the package, which is a video tape. He puts it into a tape player and watches the video. Randy pops up onscreen]\nRandy: Hello, Mr. bin Laden. My name is Randy, and I'm a geologist in America. I know that America isn't your favorite place in the world, but gosh darn it, we need your help. As you may know, we are trying to stop our entire country from becoming New Jersey. I believe that if we do not succeed, Jersey will spread to Japan, Russia, and eventually, to you. I know you have seen countless horrors in your lifetime, Mr. bin Laden, and that you have witnesses the very worst of mankind. Well, now I ask you to watch this. [Jersey Shore's live-action show open begins to play]\nSnooki: Neaaaaaah! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.\nScene Description: Sizzler, night time. Cartman climbs into the restaurant through a window\nCartman: Come on, you guys, hurry!\nStan: [climbs in behind him] Cartman, what the hell are we doing at Sizzler?\nCartman: I told you guys, you're not gonna believe it. It's a miracle!\nKenny: [climbs in behind Stan] (What kind of fuckin' miracle?!) [Kyle climbs in last]\nCartman: [leads them to a spot] Jesus answered our prayers, you guys. It's so cool. [stops] It's right there in the meat locker. Kyle, go check it out.\nKyle: [looks at Cartman for a few seconds] Why?\nCartman: Dude, go see why. It's a Jesus miracle!\nKyle: You just wanna lock me in there because you think I'm one of them.\nCartman: Nuh-uh. Seriously, nuh-uh.\nKyle: I'm not going in any meat locker so you can trap me!\nCartman: Trap you? No, no, Kyle, it's actually... lights! [the lights go on and the fourth graders Cartman was talking to earlier pop into view] Ha-ha! It's a trap, Kyle! Get him to the meat locker! [the group of six come up and take Kyle away]\nStan: Dude, what are you doing?\nCartman: [stops Stan and Kenny in their tracks] Back away, guys, this is for the safety of all of us. [rushes up to the freezer door] Sorry Kyle, but you can't be trusted.\nKyle: All right, fine, Cartman! You really want me to go in there, I'll... [his expression changes quickly] Dude, Cartman, what is that behind you?\nCartman: Kyle, do we really have to resort to that?!\nKyle: No, I- I'm serious. What is that behind you?\nCartman: You ginger Jersey Jew! [Snooki rises up behind him] Your tactics don't work on me!\nSnooki: Snooki wants smoosh smoosh. [breathes heavily]\nCartman: [looks over his shoulder, then looks back at the other boys] Dude, what the fuck is that thing behind me?\nScene Description: South Park Square, night. Stephen runs up to Garrison behind the barricade\nStephen: Garrison, I think the Jersey people are advancing. Where's Randy?\nMr. Garrison: He's still questioning that new prisoner.\nScene Description: nearby, Randy has a Jersey man strapped onto a chair\nRandy: Alright, Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!\nThe Situation: Well, I told you, it's, uh, just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him hard on the left cheek]\nRandy: What does that mean?!\nThe Situation: You just don't understand. It's, uh, it's just... just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him again, kicks him with the left foot, punches him with the left hand, kicks him on the side of his head with the right foot]\nRandy: Stop playing stupid!\nJimbo: Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.\nRandy: [shoots back at Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [turns to The Situation again] What are you people planning?!\nThe Situation: It's just a Jersey thing, you know? You...you just gotta be from Jersey to get it. [Randy punches him again with the left hand, kicks him with the left foot, delivers a roundhouse kick with the right foot, flips over him and kicks him on the back of the head]\nGerald: [keeping a lookout atop the barricade] Here they come! [the adults get into position]\nSharon: Is it them, Randy?\nRandy: Yup. They're from Jersey alright.\nJersey People: Yeah! Woo-hoo! Let's go! Yeah!\nJersey Man 2: Let's go creepin' in this town!\nJersey Woman: [to another woman] Don't you talk about my family! Don't you talk about my family!\nRandy: This is where we make our stand! South Park will never be West Jersey! [some people cheer]\nRandy: [waves a New Jersey flag but with the \"New\" crossed out and replaced with a big red \"No\"] Fuck New Jersey! [some people cheer and begin firing. The advancing Jersey folk begin to fall one by one] Keep shooting! We're sick of you, Jersey!\nScene Description: Sizzler, night. Screams of children are now heard, and they are trying to hide from Snooki, who is now raping DogPoo\nDogPoo: [Screaming] Ugh! Ugh! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!\nSnooki: Snooki wants smoosh smoosh!\nStan: [tries to get out, but finds the doors locked] Try to find a way past it!\nCartman: What does it want?!\nButters: Sounds like it wants smoosh smoosh!\nSnooki: [leaves DogPoo, reaches Cartman, and starts raping him from behind] Smoosh smoosh! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh!\nCartman: No! You guys, it's raping me! It's raping me!\nStan: Jesus Christ, what the hell do we do?\nKyle: Oh, God. [grabs his head and stumbles away, then falls on all fours] Wuh. Aah. [waves his hand at Stan and Kenny] Get out of here!\nStan: [flatly] Why? [Kyle continues writhing and groaning, before throwing his hat away]\nKyle: Agggh! Agggh! [pulls out a tube of gel and puts some on his left hand] No! [quickly greases up his hair, takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves, puts on a necklace, combs his hair, puts two rings on his left hand, and writes \"KYLeY-B\" on his T-shirt]\nStan: ..Dude.\nKyle: [approaches Snooki; in Jersey accent] Get out of here, you piece of garbage! You wanna smoosh, go creepin' somewheres else!\nSnooki: Snooki get the smoosh in the... the tenth...\nKyle: You're garbage! You know that?! You're cabbage! [Snooki babbles and says her name] You've got cabbage in your muff! [Snooki continues babbling] You've got cabbage in your fuckin' muff! [Snooki continues babbling and Kyle finally fells her with a left hook. Snooki whimpers and escapes through a window. Cartman sobs a bit and puts his pants up]\nCartman: [Sniffling] Thank you, Kyle.\nScene Description: Back at the barricade, Jimbo searches for more ammunition\nJimbo: That's the last of it! We're out of ammo!\nRandy: Then we've got to start falling back to Utah!\nStuart: What's the point? Can't you see it's over? [the sound of roaring jets is heard and grows louder]\nJimbo: Who is that?! [thirteen planes appear over the horizon]\nRandy: It's Al Qaeda! [cheers go up from the crowd. An Al Qaeda pilot salutes from his cockpit. Soon they're diving their planes into the Jersey crowd and killing the Jersey folk] Give 'em hell, Al Qaeda! [More cheers go up from the crowd]\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day\nRandy: On a cold October night, a small town in Colorado stood up to New Jersey and finally said, \"Go away!\" Our fortitude was the inspiration for others and now, New Jersey is slowly receding back to the desolate land from whence it came. Our country's getting back to normal, and we owe it all to Osama bin Laden. [bin Laden is shown seated on a chair. Cheers go up and Randy places a garland on him, and kisses him on the cheek]\nStan: Well, Kyle, looks like you're totally back to normal.\nKyle: Yeah. The more distance between me and the others from Jersey, the better I feel.\nCartman: Yeah, but you still have it in you. You saved my life, Kyle. Deep down inside, you're a monster. [Pinches Kyle's cheek] But you're my little monster.\nStan: I just have one question, Kyle. At Sizzler when you were yelling \"Muff cabbage,\" what's muff cabbage?\nKyle: It's a, uh, it's a Jersey thing.\nRandy: On this day let us all remember that no people on this earth are really enemies, only folks with differences. [a paratrooper descends from the rafters and quickly kills bin Laden with one shot]\nParatrooper: [to his pilot] Tango is down, tango is down.\nRandy: We got him!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students are all in the cafeteria eating lunch. In the middle of the cafeteria is a table with the four boys there. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit opposite Clyde, Craig, Kevin, and Token.\nCartman: So then, the guy hits the ping-pong ball with his dick, and it goes right in the other guy's mouth. [laughs heartily. Butters approaches the table with a sheet of paper]\nButters: Hey, Stan, I have a note for you.\nStan: A note?\nButters: Yeah, uh, Wendy said to give you this. [hands him the note] I'm like a mailman. [walks away. Stan reads and Kyle notices]\nKyle: What's it say?\nStan: [omitting the names] We need to talk.\nCartman: [voice rising in pitch] Ohhhhhhhh. When a chick says \"We need to talk.\", you might as well just start punching yourself in the balls, dude.\nScene Description: Two tables over, nine girls are eating lunch. Kal, Red, Wendy, Bebe, and Heidi sit opposite Esther, Anne, Lola, and Millie\nRed: Are you sure he has a problem, Wendy?\nWendy: Yes. I've read all about it. It's a real disease. It's called \"hoarding.\" People who can't throw anything away, and they just keep living in deeper and deeper filth until the people around them just can't take it anymore.\nStan: [approaching] Is something wrong, Wendy? [Wendy sees him, then looks at the girls, gets up and walks up to Stan]\nWendy: [sighs] Stan? We need to talk about your locker.\nStan: My locker?\nWendy: [turns away] Every time I see the condition it's in I j-I just wanna cry. It just keeps getting messier and messier. I think you have a problem.\nStan: Are you serious?\nWendy: [turns back] It's so full of junk it takes you forever to find anything. And lately you've been asking to keep things in my locker.\nStan: Well, it's just a little messy.\nWendy: No, Stan, it's called \"hoarding\"! And if you don't get help, I don't know how much longer I could be with you!\nStan: Aw, come on.\nWendy: Then can we throw some stuff in your locker away?\nStan: Yeah, alright.\nWendy: [wipes a tear from her eye] Okay. [puts a hand on his shoulder] I've hired some experts to help you with this. We'll make this as easy as possible on you, Stan.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two men stand by Stan and his locker as the fourth graders look on. One of them holds a large trash bag and is wearing a face mask\nAn Expert: Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. Alright, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan. [Stan goes to his locker, opens it, and a few items fall out. The class gasps in horror: Stan's locker is truly packed. Wendy cries and hides her face with her notebook]\nStan: What, come on, it's not that bad.\nDr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control or his psychosis will come out.\nStan: My psychosis? Look, it isn't that big a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.\nDr. Chinstrap: [walks up to Stan and gets down on one knee] Okay, great. How about we start with this? [takes a small box out of the locker]\nStan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.\nDr. Chinstrap: [defers right away, putting a hand up] Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. Now how about this? [takes out a bent toothbrush] Broken toothbrush.\nStan: Well... it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I-\nDr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.\nStan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine and I-\nDr. Chinstrap: [defers right away] Okay, okay. Broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [sets it down] Now how about this? [pulls out a clear sandwich bag with rotten food in it] Old sandwich in a baggie filled with maggots.\nClass: Eeeeewwww! [two more men stand behind the class holding trash bags and wearing face masks]\nStan: Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean... I kinda need that. Let's, let's just keep that.\nDr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?\nStan: Well, I might need it if I every have to, you know, like-\nDr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?\nStan: Well, I- I guess so, but- [Dr. Chinstrap dumps the baggie into the large trash bag his assistant is holding. The assistant is wearing a facemask] Whoa-whoa-wait, this is all happening a little fast. Can we just slow down? [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny look at each other worriedly]\nDr. Chinstrap: Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?\nStan: Well no, don't throw that out.\nDr. Chinstrap: Can we throw out these wadded up papers, then? [sweeps out a bunch of loose papers. Stan gets alarmed]\nStan: [begins gathering up the papers] No, because there could be something written on one of them that's important and uh-! No, don't take my empty bottle-! [takes the bottle from Dr. Chinstrap. The assistant pulls out the baggie] G-give me back my sandwich! [Stan grabs the baggie, then reaches for another loose sheet, when he realizes what he's done. Cartman makes a circle around his right ear with his index finger and whistles a cuckoo tune]\nKyle: [walks up to Stan and puts a hand on his left shoulder] Dude. What's wrong with you?\nStan: I don't... I don't know.\nKyle: Maybe you should go talk to the counselor.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, later. Stan is in his office\nMr. Mackey: Stan, as your counselor, I'm here to help you with whatever problems you might have, m'kay? Now, what is the matter? [before Stan answers, he looks around the office. Mr. Mackey has a lot of junk in there]\nStan: Well, my friends are worried that I'm showing signs of... \"hoarding.\"\nMr. Mackey: Hoarding? M'kay, what's that?\nStan: Well, apparently, it's when you... don't throw anything away and soon you find yourself, living with a, bunch of... junk?\nMr. Mackey: Hmmm, I haven't heard of that, but it- it definitely sounds bad, m'kay?\nStan: [looks around again] Mr. Mackey, is there, maybe anything you wanna talk about?\nMr. Mackey: Me? ...Like, like what?\nStan: [looks around and picks up an empty milk carton from a box] Well like, you've got an old milk carton here from a month ago that's like-\nMr. Mackey: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO THROW AWAY! IF YOU THROW THAT AWAY I WILL RAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH! M'KAY?! I WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! M'KAY?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room. Randy and Sharon are there with Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Dr. Chinstrap, and another expert\nDr. Chinstrap: There's no doubt about it. The school counselor here is a Class-5 hoarder. As for your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, he's easily a Class-3.\nPrincipal Victoria: But why is Mr. Mackey doing this now?\nSharon: Yes, our son has always been fairly clean.\nDr. Chinstrap: We don't know a lot about what causes hoarding, but we do know it often relates to some kind of psychological trauma. If it's okay with you, we'd like to run some tests on the both of them.\nSharon: Is that really necessary for Stan? It's just his locker.\nDr. Chinstrap: I don't know if you realize how serious locker hoarding is. [turns away] It can lead to room hoarding, then house hoarding. In some cases, people even hoard animals, like cats.\nRandy: Oh yeah. Like that weird guy over on on Burgess Road. That guy, Mr. Yelman. He's been hoarding animals for years now.\nDr. Chinstrap: Oh no, really?\nScene Description: A pasture, day. Dr. Chinstrap and his partner are present with Sgt. Yates and an officer\nSgt. Yates: Mr. Yelman, we received some disturbing reports that you might be hoarding sheep.\nMr. Yelman: [a shepherd, or sheep herder, or sheep hoarder] ...Well I, that is I, I-\nDr. Chinstrap: It's okay, Mr. Yelman, I'm a hoarding specialist. What you have is an illness. [Mr. Yelman doesn't know what they're talking about]\nScene Description: A lab, later. Stan, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Yelman are all on couches with electrodes attached to their temples. Dr. Chinstrap is running tests as his partner and Stan's parents watch from an observation room\nPartner: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Dr. Chinstrap is a professional at memory regression. This should prove very helpful.\nDr. Chinstrap: Alright everyone, we are all here to face the disease of hoarding together. Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone here has the same problem. Whether it's office hoarding, or in the locker, or even the hoarding of animals.\nMr. Yelman: Excuse me, but uh, I am a sheep herder.\nDr. Chinstrap: It's pronounced \"hoarder,\" and yes you are.\nMr. Yelman: But but I, uh I'm actually herding sheep.\nDr. Chinstrap: Yes, you are hurting sheep by hoarding them, aren't you? It's good you realize that.\nMr. Yelman: No, but I just thought that-\nDr. Chinstrap: Now listen: there's a psychological reason you're all doing this, and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. We're gonna do some regression therapy. I'll be taking you deep into your memories, into your past.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, that that sounds like it could be bad, uh-kay?\nDr. Chinstrap: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I want the three of you to relax, and think about... a cloud. A lone cloud... floating... changing... light... cool air... blowing on the cloud. float- [jumps out of his chair suddenly, startling the subjects] WAAH! HAAA! HAAA!\nMr. Mackey: What?! What?! Jesus, what?!\nMr. Yelman: Oh my God!\nDr. Chinstrap: Sorry, I just got a weird gas bubble for a second. [clears his throat] Anyway, A lone cloud... floating... wisps of cool air... now the cloud is near you, you... you reach out to it.\nMr. Mackey: [stretches his arm out] Mmm-kay...\nDr. Chinstrap: It's the cloud of your memories, of your past, [focus on Mr. Mackey] ...your childhood perhaps, ...what do you see in the cloud? Who is in the cloud?\nMr. Mackey: Billy, ...Billy Thompson?\nScene Description: Mackey's memory takes him back to the 1970s, when he was in grammar school. Three kids angrily walk towards him in the hall.\nBilly: There he is! Hey, Mackey! [Mr. Mackey, talking to two other boys, suddenly drops his books and turns around]\nMackey: Oh uh, hi Billy. Nice to see ya, m'kay?\nBilly: Come 'ere! [points to the spot where he wants Mackey. Mackey's friends panic and split]\nMackey: Uh well, actually I need to get home, m'kay? I uh...\nBilly: You snitched and told the principal I was smoking.\nMackey: Oh well uh, uh... smoking's bad, uhkay? [Billy throws him up against a locker] Huhhhhh!\nBilly: You're gonna die Mackey! [to his friends] Hold his legs! [his friends move in, but Mackey gets loose and runs away, screaming. Mackey rounds a corner, finds a room, and goes in before Billy could catch him. Billy and his friends round the corner and run past the room Mackey entered] Come back here!\nMackey: [in the darkness, starts to calm down] Okay. Okay, okay okay, it's okay. It's okay. Calm down, okay. Turn on the light. [turns on the light, revealing Stan]\nStan: What? Whoa wait, what am I doing here?\nMackey: Shh. Be quiet.\nMr. Yelman: 'Scuse me, where are we?\nMackey: Shh. You've gotta be quiet. Billy Thompson's out there.\nStan: What the hell's going on?!\nScene Description: In the observation room Dr. Chinstrap and his partner analyze some printouts\nDr. Chinstrap: What the hell is going on?!\nPartner: The counselor's flat top readers are calculating with the boy's and the sheep hoarder's.\nDr. Chinstrap: Oh Jesus.\nRandy: What does that mean?\nDr. Chinstrap: It means Mr. Mackey's childhood regression dream is... so vivid it actually sucked the other two patients into it.\nRandy: What?!\nPartner: I'm afraid your son has gone into his counselor's dream.\nRandy: Aw come on, that's stupid. How's that, how's that even possible?\nDr. Chinstrap: It's not stupid at all! Pinkerton, you explain the logic and I'll provide the background.\nPinkerton: Alright. [walks up to Randy and Sharon] Look, it is possible to enter into someone else's dreams. [Dr. Chinstrap begins a musical accompaniment] Send dream trackers to go into a person's subconscious, like a spy seeing their dreams as they see them. Perhaps even planting ideas. If one person is regressing deeply enough, the dream can actually envelop those dreaming around the first person I talked about who's dreaming! And then, everyone in the dream would be in danger of never coming back. [Dr. Chinstrap ends his accompaniment at the same time]\nScene Description: Mackey's dream. Mackey runs into his bedroom, which is strewn with toys popular in the '70s.\nMackey: Yay, my bedroom! Yep, this is my happy place, m'kay?\nStan: Mr. Mackey.\nMackey: [sees his Lite Brite, runs to work on it, and sings] Lite Brite, making things with light. What a sight, making things with Lite Brite, m'kay.\nStan: Mr. Mackey, what are you doing?\nMackey: Well this is a Lite Brite, m'kay. I can make things with light, like um, birds, m'kay, clowns, m'kay.\nStan: Come on, dude, you've gotta wake up!\nMackey: Oh yeah, my Evel Knievel doll! [goes to his dresser and grabs it] I can take the motorcycle, hm'kay, I put it on this thing, like this. [puts the motorcycle on the little ramp] Okay now crank it back, and now I let go. [releases the motorcycle, which zooms across the room and does a wheelie. Mackey giggles with excitement] Okay. Okay.\nStan: Mr. Mackey, I realize this might be fun for you, but it totally isn't for me.\nMackey: Hey, look what's on! It's ZOOM!\nMr. Yelman: Excuse me, I really need to get back to my sheep.\nStan: I'm working on it!\nMackey: [Singing along with the TV] Write Zoom Z Double O M Box 350 Bos-ton Mass. Oooh two ooone three fouuur, m'kay!\nStan: [walks up to Mackey and turns him around] Dude, please wake up! You're a grown man in a psychiatrist's office! [something hits Mackey's window and he goes to see what it was. He sees Billy on the sidewalk with his friends]\nBilly: You can hide in your house for now, Mackey, but tomorrow is the field trip! Frisco Woods! And I'm gonna do things to you you'll never forget!\nMackey: No, uh Billy, please, uh-kay? I'm really sorry about the smoking thing, uh.\nBilly: See you in the woods tomorrow, dead man! [walks away with his friends]\nMackey: [turns away from the window] Oh Jesus...\nStan: Is that why we're here? Did something really bad happen on the field trip?\nMackey: Yeah, it's probably gonna be bad, m'kay. [looks away]\nScene Description: The lab. The patients continue dreaming and moaning\nStan: Oh-Ohhhhhhh.\nMr. Mackey: Ohhhhhhh, m'kay.\nScene Description: The observation room\nRandy: What kind of hoarding specialist are you?! You trapped our son in his counselor's subconscious, and now you're saying he could die in there?!\nDr. Chinstrap: Believe me, this is the last thing I wanted to have happen.\nRandy: That does it! [goes into the lab]\nDr. Chinstrap: What are you doing?!\nRandy: I'm goin' in! [pulls up a couch next to Stan's] If they're locked into his regression, then maybe I can be too!\nDr. Chinstrap: Are you crazy?! Mackey is in a very unstable state!\nRandy: Damn your incongruities! [hooks himself up] I'm goin' in after my son!\nDr. Chinstrap: It's a dream world where Mackey can imagine himself to be anything. It's dangerous!\nRandy: I said get me in there!\nDr. Chinstrap: Alright, you wanna risk your ass?! Fine! [snaps into a soothing rush job] You see a cloud, it's a fluffy cloud, floating, happy, happy fluffy cloud. You reach out to it.\nRandy: Ahhh.\nScene Description: Next day, the field trip\nBus Driver: Alright kids, everyone on the bus.\nStan: Wait wait, where the hell are we now?\nMackey: It's the day of the big field trip.\nBilly: [from the bus window] Come on, Mackey. We're waitin' for ya.\nMackey: Oh Jesus.\nStan: Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up! I don't belong here! I need to have my own regression therapy!\nBus Driver: Everyone on the bus now! We're runnin' late!\nMr. Yelman: Excuse me, I'm actually a sheep herder.\nDriver: It's pronounced \"hoarder,\" young man, and if you are you should talk to the school counselor about it! [shoves him into the bus]\nMr. Yelman: Yes, but I, I'm so- wah- um.\nStan: Please, I don't wanna go on your field trip, Mackey.\nRandy: Stan? [Stan looks around] Stan!\nStan: Dad? Is that you?\nRandy: Yes, it's me, Stan.\nStan: Where are you?\nRandy: It's me! Up here! [Stan looks up and sees him] I'm a butterfly!\nStan: The hell are you doing, dad?\nRandy: I'm flying free with my beautiful butterfly wings!\nStan: Did you come here to help me?\nRandy: I was gonna, but ooh! This is fun!\nStan: Dad, you gotta stop Mackey and bring us back to reality!\nRandy: Butterflies have no concern for such things, Stan. I'm gonna go find me some butterly poon.\nStan: DAD!\nScene Description: in the lab, Randy is smiling\nRandy: [moaning happily] Aah ahhh aha ahhh.\nStan: [moaning in frustration] Aaaaaagh!\nScene Description: The observation room. Pinkerton checks the printouts\nPinkerton: Uh oh, something's wrong.\nDr. Chinstrap: What is it?!\nPinkerton: The father. He's gone completely off chart.\nSharon: Off chart? What does that mean?\nPinkerton: We don't even know.\nDr. Chinstrap: I told him not to go into the dream after his son. He should have waited for the experts to get here.\nSharon: Who are the experts? [five men shooting guns enter the observation room, and one of them goes down with a gunshot wound]\nLeonardo DiCaprio: Get that door closed! Keep me covered! [the expert in striped shirt shuts the door]\nDr. Chinstrap: Ah good, you're here.\nDiCaprio: What's the sitch?!\nDr. Chinstrap: Four people, in there, all stuck in the middle one's dream.\nExpert 1: We need to move them all to the next dream level before the projections kill them!\nSharon: What next dream level?\nDiCaprio: Alright look. Right now they're all trapped in a dream. [Dr. Chinstrap resumes the accompaniment] We need to go in and put them under so they can go into a dream within a dream.\nSharon: Why?\nExpert 1: [Black Suit (Arthur)] Because in the dream within a dream we can protect them from getting to limbo.\nSharon: What's that?\nExpert 2: [in striped shirt (Eames)] Empty scary dreamspace.\nSharon: So like a nightmare?\nExpert 3: [African-American (Yusef)] No, like a nightmare within a nightmare!\nSharon: Why can't you wake up from that?\nExpert 1: You can, but someone inside the dream has to kick you awake from the nightmare!\nSharon: That doesn't sound very difficult.\nExpert 1: It is!\nSharon: Why?\nExpert 4: Arrgh.\nExpert 1: We don't have time for this!\nSharon: Uh okay, fine. So you're gonna take my son to a dream within a dream, and then what?\nExpert 1: Then we go into your husband's dreams!\nSharon: Okaaay...\nDiCaprio: But your husband will think we're in Hasselbeck's dream.\nSharon: Okay, wait. Who's Hasselbeck?\nHasselbeck: I am.\nSharon: Okay. Wait, no. Why do we need a football player?\nDiCaprio: Sometimes, thoughts of my dead wife manifest themselves as trains!\nSharon: Are you all saying that you can go into a dream and take people in that dream into their own dream?\nDiCaprio: Not all the time, just this once. And maybe one other time.\nExpert 1: It's so complex and cool.\nSharon: Just because an idea is overly convoluted and complex doesn't make it cool! Going to multiple dream levels sounds like a really stupid idea!\nDiCaprio: You just don't get it 'cause you're not smart enough. Let's move! [the five experts and Hasselbeck enter the lab and hook themselves up]\nSharon: Will they be able to wake Mackey up?\nDr. Chinstrap: If they don't, it'll be the end of Europe as we know it.\nSharon: Why?\nDr. Chinstrap: Because.\nScene Description: Frisco Woods, day. The class has arrived at its destination\nRanger Pete: Hello kids, my name is Ranger Pete.\nClass: Hi Ranger Pete.\nMackey: Hi Ranger Pete, m'kay.\nRanger Pete: Today we're gonna be learning all about these amazing evergreens and this fragile ecosystem.\nMackey: Oh that should be fun, m'kay. [looks at Billy, who looks back and punches his right palm with his left fist. His voice trembles] Ahhhh...\nRanger Pete: But first we have a very special guest. It's Woodsy Owl. [Woodsy !Owl skips into view]\nMackey: Oh boy! Woodsy Owl!\nStan: Who's that?\nMackey: \"Give a hoot, don't pollute,\" m'kay.\nWoodsy Owl: Hi, I'm Woodsy Owl, remindin' you all to please pick up your trash, and keep our forests clean. In the city or in the woods,\nMackey: Help keep Americaaa lookin' good, m'kay. [claps] Oh, boy I love that song.\nRanger Pete: Alright kids, time to split up and go into the forest. Let's divide you all up into groups of six.\nBilly: We wanna be in Mackey's group!\nMackey: Oh no, that that's m'kay. We'll uh we'll get paired with someone else uh.\nRanger Pete: That's fine. You six boys can team up and be our first group in.\nMackey: Oh no, oh God here it comes, unkay? [Stan looks at the ranger, then hears gunfire, so he turns to see where it's from. The group of experts is seen chasing and shooting at Butterfly Randy]\nDiCaprio: Is this the dream, or the dream within the dream?\nExpert 2: I think it's the dream inside the Matrix inside the dream!\nDiCaprio: Oh well. Just keep shooting!\nStan: What the fuck?\nScene Description: The lab. All the patients moan and ahhh\nAn Expert: Mommy? Mommy?\nScene Description: The observation room. Pinkerton, Dr. Chinstrap, and Sharon are now accompanied by several firefighters, and they all observe the patients\nFire Captain: [turns to Dr. Chinstrap] So you're saying that all those people in there are somehow trapped in one person's dream?\nDr. Chinstrap: Yes, and so that's why I called the fire department. I don't know where else to turn.\nFireman 1: But, wait, if those people got stuck in there, why wouldn't we?\nPinkerton: It's very simple: You see, [Dr. Chinstrap provides accompaniment once again] when the dream experts go in, they attempt to take the subject to a dream within a dream.\nFireman 1: Like a taco within a taco?\nFire Captain: A double-decker taco supreme.\nPinkerton: Exactly. But only dream spies have the ability to go deeper into dream levels, and firemen have the ability to bring ladders into other people's dreams.\nFire Captain: Wait wait whoa whoa, how can you take a ladder into a dream? [Dr. Chinstrap continues his accompaniment, this time pulling a lamb by its tail and including its bleat]\nPinkerton: Because the firemen dreams aren't like dreams at all. They're more like a dream within a matrix within a dream.\nPizza Man: Somebody order a pizza?\nPinkerton: No.\nDr. Chinstrap: Probably one of them in the dream.\nPizza Man: [determined] Alright, I'm goin' in. [goes into the lab. He goes to the first expert's couch, lays down next to him, and hooks himself up]\nPinkerton: Look, if we can get the fire department into the counselor's dream, then we can jump everyone down at least another six dream levels. That way we'll be in the counselor's deepest level of subconscious.\nDr. Chinstrap: And it will be like a taco, inside a taco, within a Taco Bell, that's inside a KFC, within a mall, that's INSIDE YOUR BRAIN! [provides his own accompaniment]\nScene Description: Frisco Woods, a pleasant scene. A butterfly sits on a leaf doing nothing when Randy descends on it and starts humping it. Soon, Mackey runs by and both butterflies fly away separately. Stan and Mr. Yelman chase Mackey\nMackey: Aaaaaah! Not again, m'kay! Aaaaaah!\nStan: Mr. Mackey, stop running!\nMackey: But, but they're gonna kick my butt, m'kay! [stops briefly, then runs again] They're gonna kick it bad!\nStan: Look, dude! [catches up to Mackey and stops him] Whatever happened with those bullies, you just have to stop running and face it! It's just a dream dude! You can control what happens. Stand up to them this time.\nMackey: I know what about? I don't remember what they did. I just remember the field trip being really bad, okay.\nBilly: There he is! You can't run forever!\nMackey: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god... [Mr. Yelman catches up]\nStan: Mr. Mackey, go, and face it! Please. So that we can get out of here and find out why we're hoarding.\nMr. Yelman: But I literally herd sheep.\nStan: Shut up!\nMackey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I'm just gonna stand and, and face what happens, okay?\nScene Description: The lab. The firemen have hooked themselves up and entered Mr. Mackey's dream.\nPizza Man: Somebody... order pizza? Pizza?\nPinkerton: Mr. Mackey must be dreaming about something extremely traumatic.\nDr. Chinstrap: Alright, that does it. [goes to the coat hanger and grabs his coat] Get your coat.\nPinkerton: Where are we going?\nDr. Chinstrap: We need to get help from the most powerful dream infiltrator in the world.\nPinkerton: You don't mean...\nScene Description: Deep in the woods, day. A small cabin is seen in the distance as three helicopters fly towards it. A familiar bogeyman is shown splitting wood with an axe.\nDr. Chinstrap: Hello, Freddy. [the bogeyman turns around and it's Freddy Krueger, now with a full beard and mustache] You're looking healthy.\nFreddy Krueger: Chinstrap! What happened? You run out of stoolies to do your work?\nDr. Chinstrap: Alright, look, we're in a pickle again and we need your help. Got some people trapped inside a dream.\nFreddy Krueger: Told you a long time ago: I gave that up. [resumes splitting wood]\nDr. Chinstrap: There's some good men stuck in there.\nFreddy Krueger: [stops and turns around, exasperated] I said I'm done with it! [the cabin door and a woman with two kids appears in the doorway]\nWoman: Everything all right, Fred?\nFreddy Krueger: It's fine, Peg. Get back in the house. [Peg tugs at her kids and they all go back inside]\nDr. Chinstrap: Wife and kids.\nFreddy Krueger: No thanks to you.\nDr. Chinstrap: We need ya Fred.\nFreddy Krueger: Like you needed me to kill those teenagers to stop the Russians?!\nDr. Chinstrap: We had a country to protect!\nFreddy Krueger: Protect it yourselves this time.\nDr. Chinstrap: Dammit I'm not working for the military anymore, Krueger!\nFreddy Krueger: Then you should have no problem covering it up. [resumes splitting wood]\nDr. Chinstrap: [a few seconds later] Some of those trapped are firemen. Public servants, innocent in all of this.\nFreddy Krueger: [stops, sighs, and throws his axe away] Alright, fine.\nScene Description: Frisco Woods, day. Mackey and Billy finally face off and Mackey is ready to fight\nMackey: Alright Billy, I'm not gonna let you hurt me this time, hm'kay? This time I'm gonna stand up for myself!\nBilly: You? Gonna fight back? I don't think so! [Stan and Mr. Yelman look on]\nStan: You can do it Mr. Mackey.\nMackey: Go ahead and do your worst, Billy. I'm facing you head-on, m'kay?\nBilly: Alright Mackey. Take this. [rears his right arm back and is about to deliver a punch when a gunshot kills him. A second gunshot hits him for good measure. The five experts converge on Billy and his friends and shoot them thoroughly]\nDiCaprio: Get the perimeter secure! Make sure they're dead!\nStan: What the hell?\nExpert 2: We got 'em! The bad memories are dead.\nFire Captain: [through his bullhorn] Alright everyone, this is the fire department. Do not panic.\nStan: Who are you people?\nDiCaprio: We came here to rescue you from the bad guys in Mackey's dream.\nStan: Well uh, wouldn't it be better to have Mackey face them on his own?\nExpert 1: No. As long as the source of the drama is wiped out, the counselor can wake up.\nExpert 2: Right. [nothing happens]\nStan: ...So then why aren't we waking up?\nExpert 2: Unless... the bullies aren't the source of the counselor's bad memory.\nMackey: Hey that's right. The bullies didn't even beat me up that day. I, I ran away from them.\nExpert 2: [strokes the back of his neck with his left hand] Oh, whoops.\nMackey: [begins to walk away] I remember. [walks to a small shack nearby] I ran and I ran and I hid in this building here. And somebody was in there. Somebody who talked to me real nice and then... and then touched me somewhere bad. [pushes the door open. Woodsy is molesting the actual boy Mackey]\nReal Mackey: No Woodsy! Hmkay? Don't touch muh pee pee. No Woodsy, please. I'll give a hoot, hm'kay?\nMackey: Woodsy Owl! No! I'll never litter again! I'll keep all my trash! No please Woodsy no! [the woods begin to rumble and shake]\nFire Captain: What's happening?\nExpert 2: Dream conundrum. This is bad. [Woodsy breaks through the front wall of the shack with glowing red eyes and roars]\nFire Captain: What the hell's going on?\nDiCaprio: The bad memory is manifesting itself! It didn't wanna be exposed! [Woodsy runs towards the group. The experts begin shooting at it and advance, but Woodsy remains unharmed] Our dream bullets don't hurt it. [Woodsy reaches for Mr. Yelman and decapitates him with a swipe of his left wing]\nMackey: No! No more, Woodsy. [hides his face]\nStan: Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up now!\nExpert 1: He can't! Don't you get it?! We're all gonna go to limbo! [Woodsy roars again, and Freddy's blades rip through Woody's back and chest]\nFreddy Krueger: There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy! [pulls his blades out and Woodsy falls down dead]\nMackey: It's dead... It's finally dead. [grins]\nScene Description: The observation room. Dr. Chinstrap reads the printouts this time\nDr. Chinstrap: Something's happening. I'm getting Bogart levels on all counter ups.\nPinkerton: They're waking up. They're coming to. [enters the lab, and Dr. Chinstrap follows]\nScene Description: The lab. Everyone is finally out of Mackey's dream\nDr. Chinstrap: Ahhh, you're back, everyone! [grins]\nRandy: Aw, dammit. [Sharon is just happy Stan is back as they grin at each other]\nFire Captain: Thanks, Freddy.\nFreddy Krueger: If only I could have saved the sheep herder.\nDr. Chinstrap: Well, did you find the painful source of your hoarding problems, Mr. Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: I sure did.\nDiCaprio: Turns out he was molested by Woodsy Owl.\nMr. Mackey: I completely blocked it from my memory, hm'kay?\nFire Captain: So, he was hoarding because when he tried to throw things away his subconscious would remember Woodsy's voice saying \"Give a hoot, don't pollute\" and touching his penis with his wing?\nPinkerton: Wow, that is so complex and trippy and cool!\nDr. Chinstrap: Well, now that we've uncovered Mackey's source of hoarding, we can finally move on to yours, Stan. Are you ready for your therapy?\nStan: [thinks a moment] I think I have a better idea.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning out his locker. Kyle and Wendy walk up to him\nWendy: Stan, did you find out the reason you've been hoarding?\nStan: Whatever it is, I don't wanna know. I'm just gonna throw this crap away like I should have to begin with.\nKyle: But dude, there must be something in your past you're not dealing with.\nStan: Don't care. After going through all that crap and seeing what happened to Mackey, I don't want any part of therapy!\nKyle: How do you know... [this stops Stan cold] that wasn't your therapy? [Dr. Chinstrap walks up and begins his accompaniment...]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's basement/The Coon's headquarters, day. A tapestry there now says \"COON aND FRiEndS.\" The camera pans down to show The Coon with seven new superhero friends\nCoon: My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening. [begins pacing back and forth] I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime. We have to find out the source of this evil. Something big is about to happen, and it is up to Coon and Friends to stop it. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Toolshed.\nToolshed: Why do we have to be called \"Coon and Friends\"?\nCoon: [stops] ...What?\nToolshed: We all fight crime together. How come we're just your \"friends\"?\nTupperWear: [steps forward] Yeah. We wanna be called \"The Extreme Avenger League.\"\nAll: Yeah! That's right. Extreme Avenger League!\nCoon: I told you, TupperWear, Extreme Avenger League doesn't work.\nTupperWear: Why not?\nCoon: It's confusing! The Coon is a brand people already know.\nMosquito: Why can't it be Mosquito and Friends?\nCoon: Nobody's fucking heard of you, Mosquito!\nMosquito: Have, so.\nCoon: [paces again] Look guys, we need to find out what's causing the crime wave in this city. [stops] Mysterion, you and the Human Kite get on the computer and dig up what you can. TupperWear and Mosquito, scan the news. Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with Iron Maiden.\nIron Maiden: Timmeh!\nCoon: Let's work, people! [the other heroes begin to leave, but Coon holds one back] Uh, Mint-Berry Crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber? [takes Mint-Berry Crunch to a corner of headquarters, sits behind a desk and sighs] Okay, ummm, I really enjoy having you be a part of Coon and Friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees; it's just... I don't... I'm not getting your deal. I mean, exactly what is Mint-Berry Crunch supposed to mean? [Mint-Berry Crunch's jaw drops] I, I get that you're half man and half berry, and that you're... crunchy with some mint, but... to be a part of Coon and Friends, you have to have a clear and more... superhero kind of identity. [Mint-Berry Crunch just looks at himself, then back at Coon] Mint-Berry Crunch, ummm, I'm just wondering if... maybe you need to add something else to the Mint-Berry Crunch part of your costume.\nMint-Berry Crunch: [looks at himself again] Like milk?\nCoon: [annoyed] No, not like milk! You see, I really think we're on different pages here, Mint-Berry Crunch! It's like you don't even- [an alarm sounds]\nAlarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert.\nCoon: Uh oh! [quickly leaves his chair. The superheroes meet up again in front of a big monitor, which is receiving video in Coon-O-Vision.] What's the alert, Mosquito?\nMosquito: There's like a big fire or something in town.\nCoon: What? A fire? Coon volume up! [grabs the remote and clicks the up arrow for volume]\nNews 4 Reporter: There's thought to be at least twenty people trapped inside the apartment building, and firefighters are having no luck.\nCoon: My God, this is what we've been waiting for! Coon and Friends, let's head out!\nCoon's Friends: Let's do it! Yeah! Let's go! [they begin to head out, but Cartman stops Mint-Berry Crunch again]\nCoon: Yeah, uhh, Mint-Berry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the place, okay? Kewl. [Mint-Berry Crunch stays behind as the others leave]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. The boys come out of the basement\nCoon: We've got to get downtown fast, Coon Friends! [walks up to Liane, who's sitting on the sofa reading a book, and stops] Mom, you've gotta drive us downtown!\nLiane: Ohh, it's a little late, sweetie. Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs?\nCoon: Mom, you're the Coon's faithful butler! I wanna go downtown now!\nLiane: Well, all right. [puts down her book and blanket] I guess I can get some groceries anyway. [rises and leads the boys out to the car]\nScene Description: Liane's car\nCoon: Into the Coon Mobile, everyone! Let's just hope we get there in time! [everyone gets in]\nLiane: All right, are you little munchkins buckled up for safety?\nCoon: Mom, don't talk to us like that! We're fucking superheroes!\nLiane: [bangs the center armrest with her right fist] Eric, what have we talked about with that language?! One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere!\nCoon: [exasperated] Oh... I'm sorry Mom, can we go please? [Liane starts the car, and under his breath Coon says] Unbelievable! [crosses his arms]\nScene Description: Downtown. Fire trucks are everywhere and a few hoses fight the fire. Police are also present\nFireman: We tried gettin' in through the back; it was no good!\nFire Captain: Those people are gonna die if we don't do something!\nLiane: [pulls up] Oh my goodness, it's a fire. [the boys leave the car]\nCoon: Come on, Coon Friends!\nLiane: No- Eric, stay in the car, sweetie!\nFire Captain: Can we try a helicopter?\nFireman: The winds are too high. The chopper would burn in minutes. [Coon and Friends walk up next to the firemen]\nCoon: All right, what seems to be the problem?\nFire Captain: Get back, kids. It isn't safe.\nLiane: [walks around looking for Cartman] Eric, poopsie?\nCoon: Whatever's happening, you need help from the Coon!\nMosquito: And friends!\nFire Captain: Keep those children back, Thompson! [Liane finds the boys and walks up to them]\nCoon: Please sir, you must let us-\nLiane: Sweetie, let the nice firemen do their job.\nCoon: Shut! Up! Mom! God!\nOfficer: Wait. Look! Up in the sky!\nFireman: It's him! My God, it's really him!\nFire Captain: He's come to help us. Captain Hindsight! [in the distance a superhero flies towards the town. He's wearing red and yellow tights and a black cope with a blue eye on it - looking behind]\nStan: Who's Captain Hindsight?\nAnnouncer: Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age. [a series of comic book pictures follows] Once known as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight. From toxic spills to unjust wars there is no task too large for... Captain Hindsight! [the hero descends and lands next to the firemen]\nFire Captain: Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come!\nCaptain Hindsight: What's the skinny?\nFireman: There's people trapped in that burning building, Captain Hindsight. And the fire is so massive we can't get to them.\nCaptain Hindsight: Hmmm... You see those windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down. And then on the roof: they should have built it with a more reinforce structure, so a helicopter could have landed on it.\nFireman: Yes, of course.\nCaptain Hindsight: And then you see that building to the left?\nFire Captain: Yes.\nCaptain Hindsight: They shouldn't have built that there. Because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to. [stands up tall] Well, looks like my job here is done. Goodbye everyone! [takes off]\nFireman: Thank you, Captain Hindsight!\nOfficer: Thank youuu!\nFire Captain: All right everyone, I guess that's it. Let's pack it up. [the firemen and officers quickly pack up and leave, but the building keeps burning. Coon and Friends can only watch helplessly as trapped residents scream.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating quietly\nRandy: Whoa, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon?\nSharon: Oh my gosh, yes! They said like 14 people died.\nRandy: It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors! Ridiculous!\nSharon: Oh I know, and if you ask me, they should've built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter.\nRandy: I mean, hello!\nStan: Hey you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said.\nRandy: Why yes, Stan. Captain Hindsight is our protector and guardian. We're just thankful he was there for that fire. And now we can all eat in peace. [an alarm sounds]\nAlarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they look around for the source of the alarm, then get up and enter the living room]\nRandy: What the hell is that? [they stop in front of the alarm] Who put that there?\nAlarm: Alert: Seriously. All Coon Friends to base. Alert, you guys. I'm seriously.\nStan: [backs up towards the stairs] Mom, Dad? I I finished dinner. Can I go up to my room?\nSharon: [distracted] Well sure, Stan. [Stan goes upstairs] Wha- How did that thing get there, Randy?\nRandy: I don't know.\nSharon: Well take it down. It's noisy.\nRandy: I can't. I don't know what happened to all my tools. [the alarm stays on as they look at each other in wonder.]\nScene Description: The Coon's headquarters, day. Toolshed enters the basement, revving his drill\nCoon: Alright, Toolshed is here. We can start.\nToolshed: Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house?\nMosquito: Yeah, I almost got in trouble for it.\nCoon: The Coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out.\nTupperWear: So what's the huge catastrophe?\nCoon: What's the huge-? Did you guys not see that Captain Hindsight guy?!\nThe Human Kite: Yeah, so?\nCoon: So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's NOT part of Coon and Friends!\nToolshed: Oh Jesus...\nCoon: [walks up to a hidden computer, which is actually a prop] I've looked into it and this Captain Hindsight is everywhere. He's like some freelance butthole scab. We need to make him join us!\nProfessor Chaos: Hey fellas? [the boys turn to see him] Fellas, could you let me out please? It uh it's been like six days. [he's in the Coon's holding cell, with a light outside by which he could see.]\nCoon: You aren't going anywhere, Chaos!\nProfessor Chaos: Yeah, but uh, but uh youuu, but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now. [pulls the bucket into view] And I ain't got nothin' to eat.\nCoon: You've got poop, don'tcha? [goes back to the other boys] Now the question is, how are we gonna get Captain Hindsight to join Coon and Friends?\nMysterion: Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of Coon and Friends?\nCoon: I CARE!\nMysterion: Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat Hindsight to the scene.\nCoon: There's not gonna be any worse disaster. What could possibly be worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?!\nScene Description: Marine Sanctuary, day. A pelican rests on a sign at the end of a string of buoys. It takes off as a huge freighter floats by and breaks the string in two. It's a BP Oil ship\nBP Man 1: All right, this looks like a jolly good place.\nBP Man 2: Yes. Let's let her rip. [a crane operator pulls some levers, releasing a cable which enable a giant drill to descend into the water. The drill hits the sea bottom and all the marine animals there scatter.]\nBP Man 3: That's it, lads. Collect that oil! [the drill hits some rock and shakes from the impact]\nBP Man 4: Uh oh! [oil begins to ooze out of the hole into the ocean. It quickly reaches the surface and lots of dead fish pop up immediately] Oh deah.\nBP Man 3: Oh, don't tell me we did it again?\nScene Description: The McCormick house, night. Stuart and his wife are in bed asleep; their bedroom window is open. An alarm goes off and they jump out of bed, frightened\nAlarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they exit the room and see the alarm in the hallway] All Coon Friends report to base. I'm so seriously. Emergency. Coon and Friends alert. [Kenny appears and is ready to go. He turns away and is carrying a small back pack over his right shoulder. He goes to a far window and climbs out]\nScene Description: The Coon's headquarters. The Human Kite, Mysterion, Mint-Berry Crunch, and Mosquito enter it and come down the stairs\nCoon: Good, you're all here. Take a look at this. Coon volume up! [raises the volume. On screen is the BP oil spill]\nScene Description: The Gulf, in Coon-O-Vision\nReporter: It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe. Oil from the ocean is spill out out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile.\nMan: It's horrible. We can't stop the oil from contaminatin' everything.\nWoman: Our home is covered in sludge. Where are we supposed to go?\nCajun Shrimp Merchant: Git a lookie on mah scrimp heuh! Might as give ya the best scrimp this side of Louisiana and now down tuh where we all got up in our scrimp, and it ain't worth a slimy noob it ain't sold on. There, now lookit all the url on mah scrimp!\nScene Description: Coon Headquarters\nMysterion: My God! Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf!\nThe Human Kite: We've got to help those people!\nCoon: Yes. This is definitely a job for Coon and Friends.\nMint-Berry Crunch: Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor! [Cartman looks at him in disbelief]\nScene Description: The Gulf. As rescuers clean up as best they can, one of them looks up in the sky\nRescuer 1: [a woman] Wait a minute. Look! It's Captain Hindsight! [Captain Hindsight flies towards the rescuers and they begin cheering]\nCoon: Oh no!\nCaptain Hindsight: What seems to be the problem?\nRescuer 2: It's that BP Oil rig, Captain Hindsight. It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned.\nRescuer 3: If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans.\nCaptain Hindsight: [thinks] Hmm... All right. You see where that rig is drilling?\nRescuer 3: Yes.\nCaptain Hindsight: It's in too deep of water. They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water, because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill!\nRescuer 2: Aha!\nRescuer 4: Yesss, YESSS.\nCaptain Hindsight: Now, if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed the backup valve in case that valve broke.\nRescuer 2: I believe they did install a backup safety valve, Captain Hindsight.\nCaptain Hindsight: [thinks] Hmmm... Right. Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve!\nRescuer 5: My God, he's right!\nCaptain Hindsight: My work here is done! I'm off to fine others in need!\nRescuer 4: God bless you, Captain Hindsight! God bless you!!\nScene Description: Coon Headquarters\nCoon: Goddammit! We have got to get that guy into Coon and Friends!\nScene Description: Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Cartman, dressed in a business suit, rings the bell by the front door\nButler: [answering the door] Can I help you?\nCartman: I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives?\nButler: Yes?\nCartman: I need to speak with him, please.\nButler: The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis.\nCartman: I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir.\nButler: Mr. Hindsight, sir. [Hindsight sits behind his desk looking at three monitors with 12 screens each. He turns around at the mention of his name] This young man would like a word.\nCaptain Hindsight: Please, sit down. What can I do for you?\nCartman: Mr. Hindsight, I represent some very high-profile people, [sets his briefcase on the table and opens it] and I've been asked to give you some really exciting news. [takes out an application to join Coon and Friends and hands it to Hindsight] You, have been pre-approved to become the newest member, of Coon and Friends.\nCaptain Hindsight: [takes the application] Of what?\nCartman: I know the Coon personally, and I can tell you, being a Coon friend is the very highest honor. As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived. This must be amazingly exciting for you.\nOfficer 2: [from one of the 36 screens] Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, please come in! [Hindsight walks over to see what the matter is]\nCaptain Hindsight: Go ahead.\nOfficer 2: The oil keeps coming out! We've got other rigs now catching fire!\nCaptain Hindsight: Listen! They should have hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began, and that wouldn't have happened.\nOfficer 2: Right. [salutes] Thank you! [Hindsight salutes back. Another screen comes on to his right]\nFireman 2: Captain Hindsight! The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, they, they're all dying!\nCaptain Hindsight: Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a non-bleaching cleanser! Commissioner!\nCommissioner: Yes?\nCaptain Hindsight: Tell Brett Favre he should have never sent actual pictures of his schlong! [the screen the commissioner was on switches over to Santa Monica Pier as Hindsight shows his fatigue] It's not a blessing, it's a curse.\nCartman: [waits a few seconds, then] ...So, anyways, if you wanna just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and Friends right away.\nCaptain Hindsight: Look, I'm sorry kid, but I work alone.\nCartman: Well, see, the problem with that is there's a superhero union called Coon and Friends. But if you refuse to be a part of that union. you are a scab!\nCaptain Hindsight: Get this kid out of here! I have to think!\nCartman: [gathers the form and puts it back in the briefcase] Fine! You'll be hearing from my lawy- the Coon's lawyer, sir! [walks away]\nScene Description: BP Crisis special report\nAnchor Man: The BP Oil spill in the Gulf continues to get worse every day. As public anger towards the BP Company grows, their president released this statement:\nScene Description: A BP oil rig\nTony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, president and CEO of BP. Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf is a tragedy that should have never happened. And to all those affected, I want to say, we are deeply sorry. [switch to camera 2 to his left, and he turns to look at it] We're sorry. [on the tundra dressed in winter gear, stroking a baby arctic seal] We're sorry. [in the kitchen with an apron on, taking a tray of chocolate chip cookies from the oven] We're sorry. [skis towards the camera and stops] Sorry. [back on the oil rig] BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up this spill in the Gulf, and in doing so, we've changed our name from Beyond Petroleum, to Dependable Petroleum. [a shot of the Earth and Moon in an interesting configuration. The Earth has two drills attached to it, the Moon has large creators that look similar to a face, and clouds look similar to flailing arms] We no longer fuck the earth, we DP it.\nScene Description: Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. \"QUIET. COON-FERENCE IN SESSION\"\nCoon: Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and Friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution. Coon Vision on! [a projector screen is shown, as is the projector on the table. Pictures begin to appear on screen] All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love. Then we'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet.\nToolshed: How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney Love?\nCoon: Simple, Toolshed. Coon slide 2? [the next slide clicks into place] We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then photoshop Hindsight's face onto it.\nProfessor Chaos: Me?? Awww, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love.\nCoon: Gotta get to work fast, people! Coon and Friends, ho!\nMosquito: ...You want us to take naked pictures of Butters to use as blackmail? That doesn't sound very superhero-like.\nCoon: That's because you think small, Mosquito! You have a tiny little mosquito brain, that's why you don't come up with the plan!\nMosquito: Nono, look. what's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero.\nMysterion: Agreed.\nCoon: Oh who cares about some oil spill environment crap?!\nToolshed: Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman! Hear him out!\nCoon: You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret!\nMysterion: We all have a say in this organization, Coon! Let Mosquito talk!\nCoon: [grudgingly] All right, Mosquito, how do you wanna help people suffering in the Gulf crisis? [crosses his arms]\nMosquito: I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale.\nCoon: [challenging] A bake sale?\nMosquito: I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom. We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars. Which would be a good deed, and help people.\nCoon: We're superheroes, not the fucking Girl Scouts!\nMysterion: Those people down there need help! Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways.\nIron Maiden: Timmeh!\nCoon: [challenging] You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?\nMint-Berry Crunch: More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters.\nCoon: Shut up, Mint-Berry Crunch! You aren't even anything!\nMosquito: And that's another thing: no more picking on Mint-Berry Crunch!\nCoon: Oh, what are you, the boss now?!\nMosquito: No, but we are all equal! From now on, we vote! Who wants to go with my plan? [everybody but Coon raises a hand. The Iron Maiden lifts a sword]\nCoon: [crosses his arms again, sarcastic] Sounds awesome. Let's do it.\nToolshed: To the grocery store!\nScene Description: A street in the neighborhood. Coon leads his friends down the street. A classical piece plays as the boys are shown in slow motion.\nCoon: [thinking] As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my Coon sense started tingling. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I've learned to trust my Coon sense. It has always been my guide. And so I knew I must act. A coon must know when to defend itself. [Coon turns to his right and high-kicks Mospuito on the cheek. Mosquito goes up in the air and bounces on the road. Coon kicks him in the balls and leaps at him, and grins. He spreads his claws out and slashes Mosquito on the left temple. Mint-Berry Crunch moves to intervene while Coon continues to rake Mosquito across the face. Coon notices Mint-Berry Crunch coming to Mosquito's aid and slashes him too.]\nScene Description: A dinner, later. Coon and his friends are seated around a large table. Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch are battered and bruised. Mosquito's vuvuzela snout is crimped\nCoon: [after a while] Well, now we're back to normal. [smiles] Just like before and all forgotten? Right right?\nMint-Berry Crunch: [defeated] Right right.\nMosquito: [defeated] Right.\nCoon: Keewwwl! So what's next for Coon and Friends? [no one says a word, and Coon takes a sip of his soda]\nScene Description: Another BP Crisis special report\nAnchor Man: Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company DP has once again made a huge error. [a glowing plasma seeps out of a big hole while strange creatures float and walk out of there] This time, the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension. [beachgoers run for their lives as a many-mouthed three-legged creature lumbers by. A flying creature drops down on a woman, scoops her up in its tentacles, and rips her in two at the waist. Other winged creatures swoop in and abduct other beachgoers. Different creatures walk by the pier and scoop up visitors there, then drop them into open mouths that look like Venus fly traps] The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic. [two men are fishing when another creature pops up and eats them] Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc. [a giant starfish creature sits on the pier floor when a man gets curious and leans in. It snaps shut, leaving him headless. Everyone else jumps back and a woman screams]\nScene Description: Hayward's BP oil rig\nTony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, CEO of DP. Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened. And as CEO, I would like to say... We're sorry. [sitting in an armchair by the fireplace stroking a sleeping lap puppy] We're sorry. [sitting in a prairie holding a dandelion] We're sorry. [blows the seeds off the dandelion stem. Next, he's in bed looking up somewhat seductively] Sohr-ry.\nScene Description: Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Captain Hindsight is at his desk looking glum.\nButler: [appears] Captain Hindsight! Sir! Calls for help are pouring in! You've got to get out to the Gulf!\nCaptain Hindsight: I can't help anyone right now! Something came up.\nButler: What, sir? You know you can tell me.\nCaptain Hindsight: Do you remember last week when I... got really really drunk?\nButler: Yes sir.\nCaptain Hindsight: Look at those photos on the desk. [the butler walks up to the desk and looks at the photos. The first one is Butters as Courtney Love posing for the camera and the homeless man standing on a stool behind him naked, with Hindsight's face photoshopped onto him. Next, it's Butters on the stool with the homeless man standing behind him. Next, it's Butters posing for the camera and standing on the homeless man's back]\nButler: My God, is that you and... Courtney Love?\nCaptain Hindsight: 'Course it's Courtney Love!\nButler: But when did you have a-\nCaptain Hindsight: I don't remember! That's just the point! I get drunk, I don't remember things! I shouldn't have drank that much, and I shouldn't have mixed alcohols! Alcohol shouldn't be legal! Oh it's maddening!\nButler: That doesn't matter now, sir! People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could've done!\nCaptain Hindsight: I should have never kept that bottle of Macallan in the pantry! I should have never gotten around Courtney Love and a camera. I should-\nButler: Sir! SIR!\nScene Description: Another BP Crisis special report, continued\nReporter: Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question everyone is asking is, \"Where is Captain Hindsight?\"\nRescuer 6: Where are you, Captain Hindsight?\nCajun Shrimp Merchant: Where are d'you countih ninety-oh bebbly now is showmesitchcum.\nReporter: With Captain Hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now?\nScene Description: Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. His smear campaign is a complete success\nCoon: My fellow superheroes, I have done it. Hindsight is taken care of. And now the country can finally be made aware of Coon and Friends!\nToolshed: There's more important things to discuss right now!\nCoon: Right, Toolshed. Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension?\nMysterion: He means we need to discuss things with you!\nCoon: Okay, what?\nMysterion: Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear, you tell him!\nTupperWear: I don't wanna tell him either.\nThe Human Kite: I'll tell him. Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends.\nCoon: You're kicking me out of Coon and Friends.\nToolshed: We all voted, it was unanimous.\nCoon: You can't kick me out of Coon and Friends, I'm the fucking Coon!\nThe Human Kite: Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish.\nMysterion: But we get the headquarters and all the equipment.\nCoon: You don't keep anything! This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys!\nMysterion: We've already discussed this with her. Mrs. Cartman? [she walks in and approaches Mysterion]\nLiane: Yes, Mysterion?\nMysterion: Please escort the Coon out of our secret base.\nLiane: [takes Coon away from the table and up the stairs] Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I?\nCoon: Mom, what the fuck?! The fuck are you doing?!\nScene Description: upstairs. Liane takes Coon out of the basement and shuts the door. Coon tries to get back in, but can't\nLiane: Eric, you do not beat up your friends! And I told you I've had it with your language! [crosses her arms] Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you! Go to your room!\nCoon: [incredulous] You've gotta be fucking kidding me!\nScene Description: The DP boardroom, day.\nDP Executive 1: Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time!\nTony Hayward: Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another \"I'm sorry\" campaign to please everyone this time.\nDP Executive 2: Oh, what a right pickle we're in. [a flying creature floats up past the windows carrying a screaming man]\nDP Executive 3: There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid. The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in.\nTony Hayward: Wait a tick! [rises] Currents and swells, that's it! I think I know how to fix this!\nDP Executive 4: How, by Jove?\nTony Hayward: We drill.\nDP Executives: Drill of course, yes, yes, of course.\nTony Hayward: I believe that if we drill on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on our ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill.\nDP Executive 5: I don't quite get it.\nTony Hayward: We got into this mess by drilling heuh [the Gulf of Mexico], and heuh [somewhere in Peru]. Now, we need to drill heuh! [draws a drill bit entering the moon]\nDP Executive 6: That looks extremely promising!\nTony Hayward: Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time.\nDP Executive 6: The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?\nTony Hayward: [arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it.\nScene Description: A launch pad, day. A DP rocket takes off\nScene Description: The moon. DP's newest rig is now up and running as DP astronauts spread out from the rig. Nearby are the bodies of Willzy-x and Tom Cruise\nAnchor Man: The DP Oil Company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems.\nStan: Uh oh, I have a feeling we'd better get into our costumes again, guys.\nScene Description: News 4 Breaking News: DP unleashes Cthulhu\nReporter: Tom, the DP Oil Company has had another drilling accident. [Cthulhu appears looming over the oil rig in the Gulf] This time they appear to have unleashed the dark and mighty Cthulhu. [Cthulhu swats a helicopter down with just a gentle wave of his right arm] The rise of Cthulhu from another dimension brings about three thousand years of darkness, Tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to service Cthulhu's cult as slaves. The president of DP Oil released this press statement:\nTony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play. First, Hayward is at his ranch looking at some horses. He turns around and faces the camera] As president of DP Oil, I want to say... We're sorry. [in the bathroom shaving] I'm deeply sorry. [naked on a bear rug before a fireplace, his butt cheeks rosy-red] Sorry.\nReporter: Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Praise the dark Cthulhu, long may he reign.\nStan: It's up to us, guys. Let's get to the Gulf! [the seven suit up and leave the house. Mysterion goes to the camera and covers it with his cape]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman is dressed as the Coon and stands in the window looking out over the backyard\nCartman: [voice over] Darkness has taken over our town. The Coon and Friends have given in to evil. It's up to the Coon to stop them.\nCartman: Asshoooles! [leaps out of window]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: VCI Goes A Bg on it then A comic book appears from Komik Faktory Press. Mysterion. The cover has him dropping down from the sky ready for action. Mysterion's voice is heard\nMysterion: I am Mysterion. Though only nine years old, I dedicate my life to helping people - when I'm not in school. [the book opens to a random page. On that page he is defeating Professor Chaos] For months now I've been protecting my town from crime. But now, something has happened that even I cannot fight alone. [a picture of the oil rig, updating every few seconds to show the spread of the oil slick] The BP Oil Company has drilled and caused a spill in the Gulf like no other. The President of BP apologized.\nTony Hayward: [on the rig] We're sorry.\nMysterion: But they drilled again, and tore open a portal into another dimension.\nTony Hayward: [in the field, reclining for the camera] We're sorry. [some pages flip over and various creatures are shown]\nMysterion: Creatures from that dimension are now wreaking havoc in the Gulf. BP tried to solve the problem by drilling on the moon, but instead they caused the dark lord Cthulhu to emerge.\nTony Hayward: [on the bear rug by the fireplace, naked, on his belly] Sorry. [next page has the Coon and Friends as they burst forth from headquarters. Mosquito and Human Kite are shown flying.]\nMysterion: I have joined forces with other superheroes in my neighborhood to help save the Gulf. But even the other heroes do not know that unlike them, I do have a power. A power they will now begin to understand. And all will know who and what I truly am! [a swarm of ?'s flies around the screen, and the name of the episode appears]\nScene Description: Food for Little, day. The little superheroes are at two tables selling lemon bars. Five for $3\nWoman 1: Just terrific what you boys are doing.\nMysterion: Thank you, ma'am.\nMan 1: [holding some bars] I'll take twenty lemon bars, you little rascals.\nField Reporter: A terrific human interest story here, Tom. As America wonders what happened to Captain Hindsight, some Colorado kids are being a little \"superhuman\" themselves. They call themselves \"Coon and Friends,\" and they've been baking and selling lemon bars to help aid those affected in the Gulf crisis.\nMysterion: We believe that every little bit helps.\nField Reporter: Their little \"super club\" consists of seven young heroes. [the boys each strike a pose as they announce themselves]\nToolshed: Toolshed!\nHuman Kite: The Human Kite!\nMysterion: Mysterion!\nTupperWear: TupperWear!\nMosquito: Mosquito!\nIron Maiden: Timmah!\nMint-Berry Crunch: Mint Berry Crrrunch! [twirls around]\nField Reporter: The boys stated that there used to also be a hero named The Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote, [reads from his cue card] \"a dick\".\nToolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves Coon and Friends?\nMysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief, and I find that [chuckles] extremely funny.\nScene Description: An airport lobby. Cartman awaits his flight with several other people. The group is waiting at Gate 34.\nClerk: Passengers waiting for flight 73 to New Orleans, we thank you for your patience, but the conditions in the Gulf are still delaying our departure. Unfortunately, we've just been informed that the dark lord Cthulhu has shat on the runway at the New Orleans airport, and we'll be delayed at least another hour.\nPassengers: Awwww!\nCoon: Come on, people! Some of us need to get to New Orleans NOW! [the other passengers look at him] Yes yes, I am the Coon.\nBlonde Girl: The Coon? I've heard of that.\nCoon: Ya have?\nBlonde Girl: I saw on TV. That superhero group that's helping with the Gulf spill. Coon and Friends.\nCoon: Actually, I'm no longer with Coon and Friends. I work on my own now.\nBlonde Girl: Can I ask you a question?\nCoon: Yes, of course.\nBlonde Girl: Do you know Mint-Berry Crunch? What's he like? [Coon glares at her and then punches her out of her seat. He then pounces on her and begins to beat her up. A man comes to pull Coon off the girl, and she gets to punch him back. In comic book form, the man says \"That's it, Coon!\" while others cheer, \"GO COON!\"]\nCoon: [explains what's happening in the panels. He imagines her as bigger than him] The evil girl villain fought with all her might, but the Coon was too much for her. As people looked on and cheered for the Coon, he clawed and punched the villain's stupid fat face! [\"TAKE THAT YOU EVIL BITCH\"] This fight would not be the last the Coon fought. Next stop: New Orleans!\nScene Description: Food for Little, day. The little superheroes are at two tables selling lemon bars, but there are a few bars left.\nMosquito: That's almost it, superheroes. We're about out of lemon bars.\nToolshed: Well then, perhaps we should return to our secret base and bake some more!\nIron Maiden: Timmah! [a man with a creepy fixed grin approaches them]\nMan 2: I'll take ten lemon bars.\nMosquito: Ten. Yes sir! [takes the man's cash and gives him the remaining bars]\nHuman Kite: That's definitely the last of them.\nMan 2: You'll never stop him, you know. [Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch look at each other in foreboding music]\nMosquito: Stop who?\nMan 2: The Great One. [his head sways back and forth as he speaks] Cthulhu. He has risen, and soon all will be under his rule. It has all been foretold in the Necronomicon. [takes his bars, turns around and walks away. He looks back briefly] Hail Cthulhu! The darkness of the mythos is finally here. [samples one of the bars] Oh man, these are really good lemon bars. [turns around and goes to his car]\nToolshed: The Necronomicon?\nTupperWear: What's a mythos?\nMysterion: I don't know, but I think we'd better find out.\nToolshed: All right, superheroes. Back to our secret base!\nMint-Berry Crunch: Mint-Berry Crrunch!\nScene Description: Coon and Friends secret base, former Coon headquarters, Cartman's basement. The superheroes rush in to find it in ruins\nTupperWear: What the hell?!\nMosquito: I knew it! Cartman tore our base up!\nMysterion: Not Cartman.\nHuman Kite: What do you mean \"Not Cartman,\" dude?\nMysterion: Whoever did this to our base was looking for something.\nCaptain Hindsight: [silhouette, holding a gun] Don't anybody move! [comes into the light, drunk] So you're the superheroes trying to blackmail me!\nToolshed: Aw, dude, it's Captain Hindsight.\nNarrator: Captain Hindsight, [the captain takes a sip of Macallan] the hero of the modern age. Once a reporter for the National News, Jack Brolin always had a knack for hindsight. [\"Perhaps they should have called the police sooner\"] Wanting to become the best-known reporter in the country, Jack tried an experiment to boost his hindsight levels. But then a freakish accident occurred when a retroactive spider got into the equipment. The reporter's hindsight was blasted to superhuman levels! [\"It's too much!\" He holds his head together. \"I shouldn't have done that!\"] For months he was able to use his new powers for good, fighting for peace, and the American way. [a panel shows him helping firefighters] With his three trusty companions, Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda. [three creatures with only hind legs and lower lips thrust out] But now, the Hindsight that has saved so many threatens to consume Jack's very soul. It's Captaiiin Hindsight!\nCaptain Hindsight: I shoulda never mixed vodka and Jack Daniels. I shoulda just gone to bed last night!\nToolshed: Um dude, are you okay?\nCaptain Hindsight: [cocks and aims his pistol at the boys] Where are the pictures?! Give every copy of the pictures to me NOW!\nMint-Berry Crunch: P-p-please sir, w-we don't know what you mean.\nCaptain Hindsight: [whips out the pictures mailed to him] You got pictures of me having sex with Courtney Love!\nProfessor Chaos: Uhhh ohhh...\nMysterion: Chaos! Why did you take those pictures?!\nProfessor Chaos: But uh, but, but the Coon said if I took the pictures he, he'd let me go home and, and I've missed four days of school now 'cause I've been-\nCaptain Hindsight: Alright enough! What's going on?!\nMysterion: Hindsight, that isn't Courtney Love! Our former member, the Coon, tricked you!\nCaptain Hindsight: It's not Courtney Love?\nMysterion: Please sir, put down the gun.\nCaptain Hindsight: No! What if I put down the gun and realize I shouldn't have?!\nToolshed: Look dude, we don't need to play Superhero anymore. We can just go home.\nCaptain Hindsight: NO! Because I could realize I shoulda killed you all!\nMysterion: Then do it! [walks right up to the pistol and places himself at the end of the barrel] Pull the trigger, Hindsight! If you don't believe us then you don't have a choice! Pull the trigger, you pussy!\nHuman Kite: Dude, Kenny, ch-chill out.\nMysterion: You guys go! I'll deal with this prick!\nMint-Berry Crunch: [the first up the stairs] Wuh uh okay, if you insist. Uh see ya, Kenny.\nHuman Kite: My mom did tell me I had to be home by five, I-\nMysterion: I said it's fine! Just go! [the other boys leave]\nToolshed: [stops] Uh, text me later, Kenny, if you wanna, like, play basketball or somethin'. [leaves]\nScene Description: The Gulf. Cthulhu is tearing the piers apart. He takes a tilt-a-whirl and throws it at the fleeing crowd. The Coon climbs up the side of a roller coaster as burning pieces of it fall down past him. Soon the beach is clear of sunbathers and Coon reaches the top of the coaster. He runs along the tracks, jumping over any breaks. He runs to the end of the track, where the rest of it is missing, and looks at the dark lord\nCoon: Cthulhu! Cthulhu, dude! Over here! [Cthulhu turns around and looks at Coon] Hey Cthulhu. 'Sup? Yes, it is me, the Coon! But don't worry, I'm actually not here to fight you! We are not so different, Cthulhu. Though I am a superhero and you are a dark god from another dimension, perhaps, we can work together! [Cthulhu looks around] I know how it feels to want to take over and rule the earth and have everyone else be your slaves. I do, bro! But there's a group of superhumans who are going to stop at nothing to stop YOU! [Cthulhu leans towards Coon at eye-level] Good, I have your attention. The superhumans I speak of are right now working on plans to destroy you! They reside in Colorado and they are fucking assholes, and they all deserve to be sent into a dark oblivion! You can do that, right? Send people into a dark oblivion? 'Cause that's what those buttholes deserve! [Cthulhu withdraws and walks away] No-Dude! Dude, Colorado is that way! Where are you going?? [runs back down the track] Goddammit, why don't dark lords fuckin' listen?!\nScene Description: Coon and Friends secret base. Mysterion and Hindsight remain, Hindsight sways, intoxicated\nCaptain Hindsight: It doesn't matter. [takes a swig of Macallan] Even if the pictures are fake. I can't take it anymore. [turns away] Do you have any idea what a curse it is to have perfect 20/20 hindsight? [takes another swig] As soon as something bad happens, I immediately know how it could have been avoided. I can't take it anymore!\nMysterion: People need you, Hindsight! [Hindsight takes a swig of Macallan] Without you they feel helpless and stupid.\nCaptain Hindsight: Well I don't want the power anymore, alright?!\nMysterion: You think your power's a curse?! Let me tell you something about curses, buttlicker! [turns around. Hindsight, curious, turns to face him] Because there's some superpowers that make yours look like nothing! Trust me, I know.\nCaptain Hindsight: Wha-? What is your power?\nMysterion: [turns around] I can't die. [pauses] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see heaven. Or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. [turns away] And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day, and everyone is just like, \"Oh hey Kenny.\" Even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. [faces Hindsight] You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.\nScene Description: Commercial\nAnnouncer: And now, a special announcement from the president of BP and DP.\nTony Hayward: Hello, I'm Tony Hayward. The tragic spill in the Gulf is a disaster that should have never happened. And as head of the oil company responsible, I would like to say, what should I do? [looks at the camera to his left] Should I admit we've made mistakes? [the spill is shown again] Should I remind you we've done this before? What should I do? Should I find newer and better ways to say I'm sorry? [Jumps out of a giant three-tiered BP cake with stars on his nipples: \"We're sorry.\"]\nCaptain Hindsight: [at a podium] Should I really believe I ruined my legacy? [behind him is a large banner that reads \"Captain Hindsight\"] What should I do?\nTony Hayward: [voice-over] What should I do?\nMysterion: [voice-over] What should I do? [shown getting a massage] Should I forget about the past and not care about my powers?\nTony Hayward: Or should I tell you, \"I am not a role model.\" [winks]\nCaptain Hindsight: [on the steps in the alley side of a building drinking Macallan] Seriously, what should I do?\nTony Hayward: [in Western Outlaw getup] Should I accept my role as the villain?\nMysterion: [in a familiar alley] Maybe I should just... disappear.\nTony Hayward: [at the rig inspecting the blueprints] Should I not have listened to my technicians who said a spill wouldn't happen? They're my technicians! [blinks twice]\nCaptain Hindsight: [on a darkened basketball court] Hindsight's a bitch, isn't it?\nCoon: [thinking on the roller coaster track] Should I just apologize to my friends and ask them to take me back? Tell then that I was being a selfish jerk? [aloud] What should I do?\nCaptain Hindsight: [in the chair that gave him his superpower] Should I get back in the chair? Remove my powers and just go back to being a simple reporter? [activates the chair]\nCoon: [thinking on the roller coaster track] Should I admit I was wrong? Ask for everyone's forgiveness and go back to my original team? [aloud] Nah, screw that. I'm just gonna keep bein' a fuckin' dick! [jumps off the track]\nScene Description: Clyde's bedroom. Coon and Friends are at a desk, with Human Kite typing away on a computer keyboard\nToolshed: All right, superheroes, we've got to find out more about this Necronomicon thing!\nMosquito: Right, Toolshed!\nHuman Kite: Here we go: \"The Necronomicon contains an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them.\"\nToolshed: \"It is used by cults around the world, most notably the Cult of Cthulhu.\"\nMint-Berry Crunch: Aha! That's the cult the creepy man talked about, heroes. Uh, you okay, Mysterion?\nMysterion: [away from the group, in deep thought] I'm fine.\nHuman Kite: Ten arrested in South Park for cultish activity. This is from like, ten years ago.\nMysterion: So these people have been waiting for Cthulhu a long time.\nHuman Kite: Hey wait a minute. Dude. Mysterion, it's your parents.\nMysterion: Uhh, what? [goes to see. He looks at the screen and his expression changes to one of dismay. His parents are pictured getting arrested along with the creepy man and Mr. Adler, shop teacher, among others. In his normal voice] What the fuck?! I m-I mean, [going into his superhero voice] Uh, I mean, what the fuck?! [takes over as Human Kite leaves the chair]\nBetsy: [knocks on the door] Clyde? Clyde, I told you this morning to take the garbage out. [Betsy knocks some more. Mosquito, Human Kite, and Mint-Berry Crunch look at each other] Clyde, do you hear me?\nMosquito: [pulls his vuvuzela off his face] Okay Mom, just give me two minutes. [puts it back on] Nag nag nag. [buzzes a bit]\nScene Description: More comic book pages appear, this time with Coon on them\nCoon: Convincing a giant creature from another dimension to do what you want is no easy task. After days of killing and conquering, Cthulhu is at rest. Now is my chance to make a move. Perhaps last time I was too forceful with the dark god. Too demanding. To get what it wants, sometimes a coon must be on the attack and vicious. [a raccoon is shown aiming to grab a sandwich from someone's left hand] But sometimes a coon must be cuddly and cute. [the same raccoon is shown sitting on its hind legs begging for the sandwich] Time for me to try and manipulate the most evil thing in all the universe. [as Cthulhu sleeps, Coon gets on its belly and giggles, then pats its belly. Cthulhu makes some sounds, then goes back to sleep] Who's the sleepy little man? [pats its belly again. This time Cthulhu sneezes and blows Coon off. Cthulhu licks his lips and goes back to sleep. Coon, undaunted, climbs right back on its belly. Giggling, he scoots closer. Cthulhu opens its eyes. Cartman smiles broadly] My name is the Little Coon. What is your name? [Cthulhu moans a bit, then open its mouth wide and roars. Coon struggles to stay on this time. When Cthulhu closes its mouth, Coon mimics him] Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [Cthulhu opens its eyes wide as Coon giggles. Cthulhu moans] You're a sleepy man ne, Cthulhu? [scratches Cthulhu's belly] Who's a needs a tummy rub? [Cthulhu makes moans happily]\nScene Description: The McCormicks' bedroom. Stuart smokes a joint while his wife looks on. He coughs\nCarol: You're hoggin' it all, asshole! [she reaches for it, but he keeps it away]\nStuart: 'Cause I paid for it, you stupid bitch!\nCarol: [she keeps reaching for it] You paid for it with the money I made washing dishes at the Olive Garden!\nStuart: [pushes her off] I told you to shut up!\nCarol: [punches him] Give to me, you prick! [they fight over the joint, suddenly realizing Mysterion is at their window watching them] AH! AAAAH! [both of them fall off the bed and then peer up from the side] Oh God he's back! It's that mystery kid again!\nStuart: Uh what the hell do you want this time? Hey look, w-we did what you told us! W-w-we treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much.\nCarol: And we gave our sons allowances and stopped gettin' high every night. [Stuart realizes he's still holding the joint and chucks it away]\nMysterion: I'm not here about that.\nStuart: Oh. Uhuh, sss-so now what?\nMysterion: Ten years ago you were arrested for being in some kind of cult.\nCarol: [looks at Stuart] We were?\nStuart: We've been arrested lots of times, Mysterio.\nMysterion: Mysterion. What is the Cult of Cthulhu?! [the parents look at each other]\nStuart: Oh, that thing. Nooo, we weren't in that stupid group. They just used to offer free beer at their meetings, so we would go.\nMysterion: What happened at those meetings?\nStuart: Trust us, we don't remember. Uh uh, I know it sounds hard to believe, but we were actually really drunk the entire time.\nMysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.\nCarol: I swear, we haven't been back to their meetings ever since, even though we always still get invited.\nMysterion: These people still meet? Where?\nStuart: Where they always did. Jim McElroy's house.\nCarol: They used to meet every Friday night. I think they still do. [and with that, Mysterion vanishes. The window remains open, but no one is in it. Carol gets back on the bed. Stuart gets the joint back, sits next to her, and lights the joint] Did that really just happen?\nStuart: I don't think so. [takes a drag]\nScene Description: A news report\nField Reporter: Breaking news here in the Gulf, Tom. The dark ancient god Cthulhu has called for a press conference, The Old One told reporters in a statement released this morning that it has extremely exciting news.\nCoon: Ladies and Gentlemen, today we are pleased to announce the successful merger of Cthulhu, and the Coon. Cthulhu's track record for complete dominance and interdimensionary rule is without question. And now, coupled with the legitimacy and instantly recognizable brand name of The Coon, we intend to bring change and fight injustice. As the all-new Coon and Friends. And anybody else using that name for their benefit is breaking the law! Oh, what's that? There is another group using our trademarked name? Well, I guess we have a right to banish them to a dark oblivion, don't we?!\nScene Description: Jim McElroy's house, night. In the basement a robed man leads a group of cult followers in prayer\nFollowers: ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.\nCult Leader: The Old One has awakened! [draws back his hood; it's the creepy man, or Man 2, from earlier] A lot of us have waited a long time for this day. Well for all our South Park Cthulhu members old and new, it is time to par-tay! [lukewarm response. Outside, Coon and Friends watch from a low window]\nMysterion: There must be clubs like this all over the world.\nToolshed: We know some of these people. There's Mr. Adler, from shop class. And those two geeky computer guys.\nHuman Kite: Oh my God, look! Back row. Aren't those the Goth kids?\nPete: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.\nMichael: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.\nToolshed: Dude, why would the Goth kids worship Cthulhu?\nMysterion: Makes sense. Unrelenting despair and a thousand years of darkness sounds pretty goth.\nCult Leader: Now let us read from the Necronomicon. \"That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons\"\nFollowers: \"Even Death may die.\" [the boys turn away from the window]\nToolshed: \"In strange aeons even Death may die?\" What does that mean, Human Kite?\nHuman Kite: I'm not sure, Toolshed. Could it be a riddle, Mysterion? M-! Mysterion? [Mysterion is gone]\nMint-Berry Crunch: Mysterion is sooo... mysterious.\nScene Description: News report. Jack Brolin reporting. He looks familiar...\nJack Brolin: A horrific scene of destruction, despair and terror here in New Orleans. And still there's no sign of Captain Hindsight. Rumor has it he got sick of it all, went back to his chair, and removed all his powers.\nInjured Man: [in the background, walking by with his left hand over his injured right upper arm] Where are you Captain Hindsight? Aggh!\nJack Brolin: Perhaps... he shouldn't have gotten back in that chair...\nScene Description: An alley in South Park. The Goth kids enter\nPete: [kicks a can aside] Do you think the dark lord Cthulhu is gonna make us go to school?\nMichael: No, assmunch. Cthulhu just wants chaos, bedlam, and madness.\nPete: Good, because if I have to go to PE class again, I was gonna kill myself. [they notice Mysterion looking at them from the edge of a roof] Who the F'n H is that?\nMysterion: [jumps off the roof and lands on the alley floor, on one knee] What does it mean? \"That is not dead which can eternal lie\"?\nMichael: [takes a drag of his joint] \"And with strange aeons even Death may die.\"\nMysterion: What does it mean?!\nPete: It means Cthulhu is gonna get rid of all the posers and make everything cool and black and stuff. It's gonna be like, a Nine Inch Nails concert that goes on forever.\nMichael: Yeah, so go home and put your underwear back inside your pants, poser.\nMysterion: [rises and walks towards them] You're going to tell me everything you know!\nFirkle: [pulls out a switch blade and opens it] Nobody's stopping Cthulhu now! All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood leak from your neck.\nMichael: Dude, that little kid is hardcore goth.\nPete: Hardcore goth.\nCult Leader: [he and Nelson appear behind Mysterion, who turns around] The child is right, you know. Cthulhu sees all, hears all. The dark lord wants us to dispense of this one, kids. Give us a hand.\nPete: Whaaat? Dude, I don't wanna kill anybody.\nMichael: We're dark lord minions now, wuss. What'd you think we'd be doing?\nPete: Ugh, whatevs. [Mysterion is stuck between the two advancing cult members and the Goth kids.]\nScene Description: The Gulf sky, dark and stormy. Coon rides on Cthulhu. Upbeat music plays\nSinger: Cthulhu Cthulhu, Cthulhu Cthulhu.\nCoon: Yeeheah!\nSinger: The evil hate-filled Cthulhu, from a dimension far away.Flying through gates of madness and into your heart\nCoon: Yeah, fuck all o'you!\nSinger: Turning dreams into nightmares\nCoon: Lick my balls!\nSinger: Destroying all he sees\nCoon: Now begins a new adventure for... MEEEE!\nSinger: You and the dark one, Cthulhu Sharing adventures and smiles, It's a magical bond two pals can share. Soon the whole world will be made aware of You and the death lord, Cthulhu Makin' the world a better place. Together you will have so much fun\nCoon: Sending all my stupid friends to oblivion!\nSinger: You and the dark one, Cthulhu\nCoon: Suck it, bitches!\nScene Description: The alley. There is no escape\nCult Leader: Just hold still and it will all be over quickly. [a buzzing sound is heard, and all look to see who it is]\nMosquito: Let him go! [he's on the roof of a building] Coon and Friends, ho! Mosquito!\nToolshed: Toolshed!\nTupperWear: TupperWear!\nIron Maiden: [behind the Goth kids] Timmeh!\nHuman Kite: Human Kite!\nMint-Berry Crunch: [behind the cult members] Mint-Berry Crrrunch!\nToolshed: Let him go, dude, or else we'll totally tell our parents on you!\nCult Leader: Sorry kids. It's a little late for that. [takes the switchblade from the Kindergoth and stabs Mysterion with it. The cult members and the Goth kids disperse as Mysterion coughs and stumbles. Mysterion stops and then falls flat on his back]\nToolshed: Oh my God. Oh my God, they- they killed Kenny!\nHuman Kite: You bastards! [a pool of blood appears under Kenny when someone knocks on a door somewhere. All of a sudden, Kenny is back in his room, in bed, in his same old clothes. More knocking]\nScene Description: Kenny's room\nToolshed: Dude, Kenny, what'd you run away for?! We've gotta fight these guys!\nMosquito: Yeah, come on, get your costume on, lazy-ass!\nHuman Kite: [jumps in the air] Let's go. [the boys move on]\nMint-Berry Crunch: Mint-Berry Crunch! [Kenny sighs]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A new comic book. The speech bubbles give the hero away: this comic book is about Mintberry Crunch. On the page, two villains run from the flying half-man half-berry\nMintberry Crunch: Sit back, justice believers, and listen to another edition of America's favorite superhero, Mintberry Crunch! [The camera pulls out to reveal the whole page, which is a cover of \"the AMAZING MINTBERRY CRUNCH\"] Our story begins in a remote corner of the Gulf of Mexico. [a graphic of the BP oil rig is shown] The BP Oil Company drills into the ocean floor, [a graphic of a fire destroying the rig] but they drill too much, and the BP Oil Company accidentally unleashes Cthulhu, an ancient evil god from another dimension. Halfway across the country, [Coon & Friends in their normal outfit are shown, with Bradley as the leader instead of Stan] a mild-mannered attractive fourth-grader, Bradley Biggle, hears of the disaster on the news while with his friends. [the page flips over and Bradley is shown transforming] But Bradley Biggle is no ordinary fourth-grader! Not long ago, he realized he had superpowers he could call upon by turning in place and saying the magic word, \"Shablagoo!\" And in a flash, Bradley is transformed into the thrilling superhero, Mintberry Crunch! Joined by the other Coon Friends, Mintberry Crunch went to investigate the Gulf spill crisis! The superheroes came across a cult, in existence for years, that had been waiting for Cthulhu's arrival. They are the key to stopping Cthulhu from taking over the world! Sometimes, when everything seems hopeless, that's when you need to bring it all. [Mintberry Crunch stands at the corner of a roof in a heroic pose] That's when you need... to bring the Crr-runch!\nScene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base. The Friends are there listening to Mintberry Crunch\nToolshed: [after a few seconds of silence] Dude, I'm sorry, but we still aren't getting it. You're half man and half berry?\nMintberry Crunch: Rrright!\nHuman Kite: But then what exactly is your superpower?\nMintberry Crunch: The power of mint and berries yet with a satisfying tasty crunch!\nToolshed: ...Nah, see, that's the problem dude, that's not really a superpower. Like, I have mental command over all power tools, Human Kite can fly-\nHuman Kite: nd shoot lasers out of my eyes.\nToolshed: And shoot lasers out of his eyes. And Mysterion can... [pauses and looks over at Mysterion.] Wait, what's your superpower Mysterion?\nMysterion: [with his back to the group] I can't die!\nToolshed: ...Oh yeah, good one. Mysterion can't die, and Iron Maiden is indestructible-\nMysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious! I really, really can't die!\nToolshed: ...Woo-hat?\nMysterion: [turns to face them] Like last night, in the alley, the cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place! And you screamed \"Oh my God,\" and you called him a bastard!\nHuman Kite: [arms down and out, palms out] When was that?\nMysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER REMEMBER!\nToolshed: ...Ah I think we would remember you dying, dude.\nMysterion: Well you don't! I die over. And over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened!\nToolshed: [notices Mintberry Crunch] Dude, you're freaking out Mintberry Crunch. He's peed his pants. [Mintberry Crunch notices that he has indeed peed his pants and covers his groin quickly]\nMintberry Crunch: Nono. Mintberry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!\nMysterion: [turns away] I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.\nHuman Kite: [approaches him] Alright. dude, let, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not to be able to die.\nMysterion: [confronts him] Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot?! Decapitated?! Torn apart?! Burned?! Run over?!\nToolshed: Kenny Kenny, calm down.\nMysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fuckin' hurts! And it won't go away, and nobody will believe me! [walks away, then turns around] Remember this time! Try and fuckin' remember! [pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head]\nToolshed: Oh my God! Holy shit, dude!\nHuman Kite: Dude!\nMintberry Crunch: Is he? Oh Jesus! [flees up the stairs and out of the basement]\nToolshed: [draws closer] Kenny? No! No!\nScene Description: The Coon comic book. On the cover, Cartman carries an American flag while Cthulhu stands behind him wearing a Coon and Friends shirt. The story unfolds with a few embellishments in the design of the secret base\nCoon: Gather around, believers in good, and listen to the newest installment of The Coon. It all began when the BP Oil Company drilled into the ocean floor and ripped open a hole into another dimension. Seeing the disaster on Coon-Vision, the Coon immediately called together his trusty Coon Friends. As the Coon explained how the disaster could be stopped, something terrible happened. Without warning, the Coon friends changed. Their superpowers morphed somehow, turning them into... supervillains. [the friends are depicted with evil grins] The Coon tried to reason with them, tried to bring them back to the side of good, [\"Heroes must be good. Go with Christ!\"] but it was too late. [Human Kite: \"GET OUT!!!\" Mysterion: \"WE ARE EVIL NOW!\"] Their black hearts had been tainted by hate and rage. The Coon was alone, turn by the ultimate dilemma. [Coon is shown sitting on Lincoln's shoulder at the Lincoln Memorial] He had to put a stop to the evil villains, even though they had once been his friends. Sometimes, to fight the ultimate evil, you must make friends with enemies. [Coon is showing looking at Cthulhu] The Coon teamed up with Cthulhu, because even Cthulhu knows what evil assholes Kyle and Stan and those guys are! And that they are manipulative, uncaring, vagina faces! They're all planning to destroy the world. Only one thing can stop them: the Coon. With Cthulhu's help, I can try to banish them to a dark oblivion, for all eternity. [the Friends are shown surrounding a glowing globe of Earth with evil grins on their faces] I will not rest until that happens.\nScene Description: South Park, Cartman's street, day. Cartman is walking home and approaches the front door\nCoon: Bab-ay, I know you're askin' me to stay Say \"Please please please don't go away.\" You say I'm givin' you the blues. [enters the house] Mayb-ay, you mean every word you say Can't help but think-\nLiane: [confronts him with her arms crossed over her chest] Eric Cartman!\nCoon: Hi Mom.\nLiane: Where have you been, young man?!\nCoon: Just doin' stuff Mom. Are my friends downstairs in the secret base?\nLiane: Yes they are, but you were supposed to be grounded in your room! And now you're more grounded, young man!\nCoon: [turns around and thinks hard, to himself] The Coon's mother appears to be extremely upset. In order to get past her, I must use the LeBron James technique.\nLiane: Eric, are you listening to me?!\nCoon: [faces Liane] Mom... what should I do?\nLiane: [disarmed] What?\nCoon: What should I do? Should I admit I made mistakes? Should I say I've done this before? Should I write a song about how I should have stayed in my room? What should I do?\nLiane: What do you mean \"what should-\"\nCoon: Should I say I am not a role model? Should I not listen to my conscience? It's my conscience, Mom! What should I do? Go back to my room and pretend nothing happened? Not jump out the window and fly to New Orleans? What should I do, Ma? Tell me!\nLiane: [overwhelmed] I just, I- I'm gonna go make you kids some lemonade. [runs off to the kitchen]\nScene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base. The Friends are at the table\nHuman Kite: Alright Coon and Friends, what good deed should we do next?\nMosquito: Perhaps we should make more lemon bars to raise money for people in need.\nTupperWear: Okay!\nMysterion: You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?\nToolshed: Uh-what?\nMysterion: What we need to do is talk to people in that cult! I wanna know where my powers come from.\nHuman Kite: Yeah cool let's talk about where our powers come from.\nMosquito: I was bitten by a radioactive mosquito! Bzzzzzzt.\nTupperWear: I was in a car accident, then put back together with Tupperware parts.\nIron Maiden: Tih-Timmieh!\nMysterion: iill you guys listen to me?! I actually have a power that I actually want to know about!\nCoon: [appearing on the basement stairs] Hey guys. [the Friends look at him] So, what's goin' on?\nToolshed: Go away Cartman. We kicked you out of Coon and Friends, remember?\nCoon: No, I, I know. That's cool, I understand. Even though I started it and the secret base is in my house. Yes, that's totally understandable.\nHuman Kite: You just wanted to frame and blackmail people, then you beat up Clyde and Bradley for no reason!\nCoon: No you're right. For no reason. Clearly something is wrong with me. But you guys, what should I do?\nHuman Kite: You should fuck off, that's what you should do.\nCoon: [sees the LeBron James technique isn't working] Hm. Ah, all right, look. You guys were totally right, okay? That's all I wanted to say. That and... there's a double rainbow outside.\nMintberry Crunch: A what?\nCoon: Double rainbow, you guys. You don't see 'em often, but there's one outside right now. You've gotta come see! [rushes up the stairs and out of the secret base]\nMintberry Crunch: A double rainbow? Shablagoo! [the heroes all leave their seats]\nHuman Kite: Wait, Mintberry Crunch ya you might not wanna go- [goes up the stairs with the others]\nProfessor Chaos: Huhey, can I see the double rainbow, fellas? [softly] Uh, fellas?\nScene Description: Cartman's house, front lawn, day. Coon leads the friends out\nCoon: Isn't it beautiful you guys?\nHuman Kite: There's no double rainbow, fatass!\nCoon: You are correct, Human Kike! Not that supervillains like you guys could ever see a double rainbow!\nMosquito: What are you talking about?\nCoon: Your evil-doing days are over, Mosquito! All of you shall now be dealt the swift hand of justice!\nHuman Kite: Cartman, you are the bad guy, not us!\nCoon: Nuh uh, you guys are the bad guy. [whistles. A gust of wind blows leaves at the boys, and heavy footsteps follow. Cthulhu soon stands before the Friends, who look at him in awe]\nMintberry Crunch: Waaaaaaaaaah! [runs off]\nMysterion: What are you doing with that thing?!\nCoon: He's going to help me get rid of you guys so together we can make the world a better place!\nHuman Kite: Cartman, if you team up with the most evil thing in the universe, then clearly you are the bad guy!\nCoon: No, because it's for the greater good, like when Superman teamed up with Lex Luthor!\nHuman Kite: Superman never teamed up with Lex Luthor!\nCoon: [thinks it over, then crosses his arms] Well, that's why Superman isn't around anymore, isn't it? Cthulhu! Banish them to a dark oblivion, please! [Cthulhu opens his right paw and sweeps it from left to right in the air. The boys scream and become deformed, then disappear] Aww! Dude, that was awesome! You're all like \"Mehhhh\" and they were all like \"Nooo!\"\nScene Description: Night. Coon and Cthulhu sit in a valley somewhere with a large city in the distance.\nCoon: All right, now, we've taken out most of the synagogues, destroyed San Francisco, sent my friends into a dark oblivion, and so our next order of business will be Burning Man. [Cthulhu roars softly] Burning Man is the biggest hippie festival in the world, and tomorrow, we're gonna wipe them all out. Pretty soon, the whole world will be transformed thanks to the Coon! [Cthulhu roars softly] Yes yes, the Coon and Friend. Now after Burning Man we'll take down Whole Foods alright? [Cthulhu repositions himself to confront Coon and roars loudly. Coon thinks] The dark lord is agitated and the LeBron James technique might not work. The Coon will have to use an even more manipulative technique. Time to bust out: Cute Kitten. [aloud] Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. [climbs up onto Cthulhu.] Meow meow meow. [digs his blades into Cthulhu's back and massages him while at the same time making a comfortable place to nap in. Cthulhu's face softens and he giggles, then looks back at Cartman sleeping on his back. Cthulhu blinks several times, then walks forward softly]\nScene Description: a strange place altogether\nToolshed: Dude, where the fuck are we?\nMysterion: I don't know, but... I feel like... I've... been here before. [huge butterfly-like creatures pop up from behind some plants]\nScene Description: a new installment of the Amazing Mintberry Crunch. He remembers things a bit differently...\nMintberry Crunch: And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord Cthulhu! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mintberry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home! And heroically watched Judge Judy, knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him!\nScene Description: the strange place. The Friends run and scream until they reach a cliff\nToolshed: Oh shit!\nHuman Kite: [panting] We aren't going that way!\nMosquito: You guys, I wanna go home.\nToolshed: We all wanna go home, Clyde. I don't think we're gonna last very long out here.\nMosquito: Look, maybe we should just a place to hid and wait for help.\nHuman Kite: What help, dude? Nobody in the real world even knows we're here.\nMysterion: Alright, you guys hide as long as you can. I'll try and find help. [moves away from the cliff]\nToolshed: How, dude?\nHuman Kite: Kenny, where the hell are you going?\nMysterion: I'm going to try to get you all out of here. If this works. Or, I could be wrong. [runs towards the cliff]\nMosquito: Kenny! [Kenny jumps off the cliff and impales himself on some big spiky plants ]\nMysterion: Ow! That fucking HURTS! [moans a few times and dies.]\nToolshed: Oh my God! Kenny!\nHuman Kite: You... you crazy bastard! [the boys turn away from the edge, seemingly forgetting their dead friend below]\nScene Description: Kenny's room, night. Kenny is back in his bed and wakes up. He sits up and checks himself out. Satisfied that he's alright, he jumps off the bed and goes to his closet, opens it and pulls a curtain off a hidden chest of drawers. He opens the top drawer and pulls out a Mysterion costume.\nScene Description: The living room. As his parents watch TV, Kenny runs past them and out the front door.\nScene Description: Burning Man Festival, Black Rock City, day. Dance music pumps along\nMan 1: [on a fish-cycle] It's burning Man!\nMan 2: [dressed as an angel] Biggest party in the world, baby! [more shots of the festival are shown. It's a carnival, but a roar changes all that. Cthulhu appears and throws an RV into the festival, and everyone scatters]\nCoon: [on Cthulhu's back] Fucking hippies! Fuck all o'you! [Cthulhu raises his left paw and unleashes a lightning bolt upon a girl, incinerating her and leaving nothing but bones]\nReporter: The dark and evil Cthulhu is bringing his angry wrath down upon the Burning Man Festival, Tom. Cthulhu isn't behaving as most scientists had speculated, Tom, but the dark lord is wreaking havoc everywhere and-\nCoon: [walks up and interrupts him] No nonono! Excuse me! It is not Cthulhu, it is Coon and Friend! I'm a little sick of everyone giving him all the credit when I'm the one really making the world a better place!\nReporter: Tom, it appears that Bruce Vilanch has arrived on the scene wearing a rat costume.\nCoon: [greatly insulted by the reporter's comment] Oh, you motherfucker! [runs towards Cthulhu] Cthulhu, this guy too! [Cthulhu unleashes more lightning and the reporter is incinerated] Kewl. Oh get that fire-twirling hippie bitch.\nScene Description: Henrietta's bedroom, night. The Goth kids are sitting around on her red throw rug. Red Goth strikes a lighter and it lights up. He then blows out the flame. Kindergoth taps his cigarette onto an ash tray.\nMichael: This freaking sucks! We worshiped and prayed to Cthulhu, went to all the cult meetings, but life is still totally freaking gay.\nPete: I thought that when Cthulhu rose from the dead all was gonna be darkness and pain. I thought at least school would be canceled.\nMysterion: How to I fight him? [the Goth kids look at the window and see him there]\nMichael: Oh joy, it's Underwear Boy again.\nMysterion: That god you pray to just took away all my friends.\nPete: Not our god. He promised everything would change if we worshiped him, but we're still sitting here smoking cigarettes like before [hair flip] It's like Obama all over again.\nMysterion: How do I fight him?!\nPete: Cthulhu isn't alive or dead, alright?\nMysterion: Tell me what that means! [the bedroom door opens and Henrietta's mom appears]\nMrs. Biggle: Henrietta, your little brother wants to play with you.\nHenrietta: Go away Mom, I hate you.\nMrs. Biggle: Just let your little brother play with your friends, sweetie. He's lonely. Go on in, Bradley. [Bradley appears and enters the room]\nBradley: Will you guys play with me?\nHenrietta: Fuck off, dork! I don't want you here!\nBradley: Please, can I just- oh g'uh! [sees Mysterion in the window] Mu-Mysterion! Wuh what's goin'- Uh, that's okay, sis. I'll play with you another time. [leaves and closes the door]\nScene Description: the hallway. Bradley round the corner and walks to his room\nBradley: Mysterion is here! He must have come for my help. [enter his room] No time to waste. Time for Bradley Biggle to transform. [opens a drawer under his nightstand and sees his costume] Shablagoo! [turns in place]\nScene Description: Henrietta's bedroom. As Bradley transforms, Henrietta explains to Mysterion how to fight Cthulhu. She starts with the Necronomicon\nHenrietta: Alright, look. The Necronomicon is an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them. [the first page shows a Prince Abdul Al-Kazred in 700 A.D. The next one has the prince genuflecting before an Old One.]\nMysterion: One Ones?\nMichael: Dark deities that existed before man.\nHenrietta: It was written by a mad prince who knew of the nightmare city of R'Lyeh, which fell from the stars and exists beneath the sea. And, in another dimension.\nMysterion: That's it! That's the place I just was!\nMichael: You've been to the nightmare city of R'Lyeh?\nPete: Luckyyy...\nHenrietta: Cthulhu and other beings are from this city, but for years cultists have tried to bring them into our world.\nMysterion: And what about Cthulhu's power? Why can't Old Ones die?\nHenrietta: The only thing that can destroy an immortal... is another immortal. [Henrietta's door opens again and Mintberry Crunch barges into the room]\nMintberry Crunch: Ahaaa! Don't worry, Mysterion. Mintberry Crunch is here to help you with these black cultists!\nHenrietta: Get out of my room, TWERP!\nMintberry Crunch: Mintberry Crunch isn't afraid of his fat sister! Grab her legs, Mysterion! [Mysterion is gone] M- Mysterion? [the Goth kids turn to look at the window.] Aw crap. [runs out of the room]\nScene Description: The street. Mysterion walks down the street briskly when Mintberry Crunch opens the front door and sees him\nMintberry Crunch: Hey Mysterion, wait up! [leaves the door open] Come on, wait uuup! [catches up to him] Us Coon Friends need to stick together remember? Where are you going?\nMysterion: Wherever Cthulhu is!\nMintberry Crunch: What? But he'll kill you.\nMysterion: Maybe, but with any luck I might find the reason for my powers.\nMintberry Crunch: Oh right. Maybe I can find the reason for my powers too.\nMysterion: You don't understand!\nMintberry Crunch: [turns away from Mysterion] How was it that mint and berry came together delivering full flavor in an intense crunch? [Mysterion leaves] We must find out answers Mysterion. [turns around, but doesn't immediately see him] Mu-Mysterion, I'm going with you.\nScene Description: The Coon comic book, four pages in\nCoon: After the triumphant victory over the evil hippies of Burning Man, Coon and Friends turned their attention to the next villainous scourge, bravely taking out every Whole Foods left in the country! No more organic crap for America! Thanks to Coon and Friends the country would soon be rid of all evil, but first, they would come up against their most challenging and most evil opponent, Justin Bieber. In order to save the Earth, this little butthole had to be stopped.\nScene Description: Justin Bieber concert at Staples Center\nJustin Bieber: [grabbing his crotch constantly, and singing badly off-key] Babih babih babih oooo! Babih babih babih oooo! Babig baibig woo woo, Bay-wooo [Cthulhu reaches down and grabs him off the stage] Wooooo-ooo-oo! [Cthulhu grumbles]\nCoon: Yep, that's him. So long, Justin Bieber, you little douchebag! [Cthulhu crushes Bieber between his forefinger and thumb like a grape]\nReporter 2: The dark god Cthulhu continues his rampage of destruction and terror, and there seems to be no hope for man. I'm joined now by a supposed team member of Cthulhu, the Coon.\nCoon: It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter. He's merely a small piece of Coon and Friends, who will continue to fight for good and justice.\nReporter 2: Good and justice? J-Justin Bieber and most of his fans have just been massacred.\nCoon: Yes, Coon and Friends are happy to help. We do not need thanks for our deeds. We do not want gifts, all we want is for people to buy our Coon and Friends T-Shirts for $14.95.\nMysterion: Hey, fat boy!\nCoon: Kenny? What the hell? I sent you to the-\nMysterion: To the sunken city of R'Lyeh fallen from the stars! [approaches him] You little fucking prick! What is wrong with you?! What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends?!\nCoon: It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny!\nMysterion: You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU!\nCoon: I'm going around making the world a better place!\nMysterion: For you! You're making it a better place for you!\nCoon: Right, that's what superheroes do.\nMysterion: No! This is what superheroes do! [walks up to Cthulhu] You banished me but I'm back! What does that make me?! [that gets Cthulhu's attention] Bring back my friends! Take me!\nMintberry Crunch: [gets through the police line] Mysterion, no! What are you doing?!\nMysterion: [to Mintberry Crunch] Only an immortal can kill another immortal! [to Cthulhu] Here's your prize! Take this curse away from me, you big pussy!\nCoon: [stands next to Mysterion] Don't listen to him Cthulhu! We have more important stuff to do!\nMysterion: Go on! Kill me before I kill you! But bring my friends back, wuss!\nCoon: Cthulhu, you are a Coon Friend, and I'm the Coon! You will listen to me! [Cthulhu picks Coon up and scolds him, then cradles him. Coon takes the hint and scrambles onto Cthulhu's back. Coon kneads Cthulhu's back again and Cthulhu is relieved. Coon is asleep on Cthulhu's back and Cthulhu turns and walks away]\nMysterion: No! Come back! I have to know what I am! Come back!\nCoon: Fuck you, Kenny!\nMysterion: Come back, you fat piece of shit! [notices something in the sky. Others notice too. A bright object descends onto the parking lot and dims enough to reveal a giant oval shaped light that serves as a holograph. An image of a man appears inside and begins to talk. Mysterion is puzzled]\nAlien Man: Hello my son. If you are seeing this message, then it must be dark times. And you must have many questions. Your true name is Gok'Zarah. The power given to you comes from a planet far away. You are from that planet, Gok'Zarah. It is for that reason you have a power that normal humans do not have. I know you must sometimes see this power as a curse, but you were sent here to stop evil from taking over the Earth and now, that time has apparently come. You must now harness and focus your power, Gok'Zarah. The power of mint and berries yet with a tasty, satisfying crunch.\nMintberry Crunch: ...Uh yes. Yes, please go on.\nAlien Man: Your home planet, K'oh Kajan, is known throughout the universe for its berry mines. Berries that have the power to fuel nearly anything. Needless to say, when the mint hunters of Kogenrah got word of them, our fate was already sealed, Gok'Zarah. But our two worlds collided and soon, mint and berry were one.\nMintberry Crunch: Wow!\nAlien Man: Your mother and I sent you as far away as we could. Use your power, son. Save Earth. Shablagoo! [the orb rises up and away]\nMintberry Crunch: I will, father. No more running away for... Mintberry Crunch! [jumps up in the air and floats up, then aims at Cthulhu and flies towards him] Hello, Cthulhu, I heard you haven't been \"berry\" nice! [unleashes a torrent of berries at him. Cthulhu shields himself, but doesn't go down.] Not enough, huh? Maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up! [Cthulhu is soon enveloped in a tornado of mint leaves]\nScene Description: The Amazing Mintberry Crunch. The following is illustrated in the comic book\nMintberry Crunch: I reached the Gulf of Mexico in no time, and with all my strength, I dragged Cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came! My trusty hero companions were there, still alive. I returned them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. Then it's back down to fill up the hole created by the BP Oil Company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister. [\"Fuck you! I have powers you fat bitch!\"]\nScene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base, later. The Coon Friends are all there\nToolshed: Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, Mintberry Crunch.\nMintberry Crunch: Oh no, we worked as a team! All the Coon and Friends stopped the BP drilling spill crisis.\nHuman Kite: And finally the evil Coon is right where he belongs. [the Coon is in his own holding cell with Professor Chaos]\nCoon: Come on you guys, this is fucking bullcrap! Let me out!\nHuman Kite: You're not going anywhere for a long time!\nCoon: This is inhumane! There's a big bucket with Butters' poop in here, and there's nothing to eat!\nToolshed: Ya got poop, don't ya?\nMintberry Crunch: Well, I'm off. There are still many more questions left unanswered. I need to know what happened to my parents.\nHuman Kite: Well, come back and visit any time, dude.\nMintberry Crunch: I will. Shaaablagoo! [twirls in place and disappears in a streak of light, leaving behind berry cereal]\nCoon: Fuckin' Mintberry fuckin' Crunch.\nToolshed: Wow, can you believe it Kenny? Bradley actually had superpowers. Isn't that cool?\nMysterion: Yeah. I'm tired, guys. I think I'm gonna go to bed. [takes a gun out and just shoots himself in the head. The other boys jump back in shock.]\nToolshed: Oh my God! Holy shit dude!\nHuman Kite: Kenny? No! Nooo!\nScene Description: Kenny's parents room, night. They're asleep, but something wakes Carol up. Stomach pains; labor pains. She sits up holding her belly\nStuart: What? Whaaat?!\nCarol: It's happenin' again! [falls back on the bed and raises her legs in the air.]\nScene Description: Kenny's room, moments later. The parents enter. Stuart turns on the light. Carol holds baby Kenny in her arms while Stuart sets out a parka for Kenny to sleep in. Carol zips it up and the parents leave the room\nCarol: [before closing the door] We should have never gone to that stupid cult meetin'. [Stuart turns off the light and Carol closes the door]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, night. Randy and Sharon are watching TV on the sofa, under a blanket\nReporter: Passenger said the Carnival cruise line smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement.\nSharon: [yawns] All right, it's late. I'm gonna call it a night. [leaves the sofa and heads for their room] You coming?\nRandy: Aw, you know, I can't really sleep. I'm just gonna stay up a bit and have some me time.\nSharon: [going up stairs, she stops and turns around] Randy, do not watch that no-no channel.\nRandy: Ugh. I'm not staying up to do that Sharon, jeez!\nSharon: Alright, come to bed soon.\nRandy: Psseh... huh... [glances at the stairs to see if Sharon is gone, then quickly begins changing channels. He stops at a channel where music is playing] Ohhh... Whoahohoohhh... Man, that is hot... [starts masturbating under the sheet] Oh yeah. Fuck.\nGuy Fieri: [showing off some ribs] Mmm, just look at that rack of ribs; now those are slow-cooked, and then braised to bring out the smokey flavor.\nRandy: Mmm, God damn. Yeah.\nGuy Fieri: [hods up a rib to the camera] See how that just falls off the bone? [eats some more off it] Mmm, that is MONEY right there!\nRandy: Yeah, it's fuckin' money.\nAnnouncer: Next on Food Network it's Paula Deen [\"Paula's Home Cooking\"]\nPaula Deen: Hey y'all. Tonight we're gonna be makin' some deep-fried chicken.\nRandy: Aw yeah?\nPaula Deen: Muh buttery whipped potatoes and we're gonna be finishin' off with a chocolate pecan pie.\nRandy: Awwwgh. Oh fuck yeah. [still masturbating]\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy's been busy cooking breakfast. Stan, Shelly, and Sharon enter the kitchen\nStan: Dad, what are you doing?\nRandy: Ah! You're just in time! Siddown, siddown! I've made you all breakfast again!\nStan: Aw crap. [they go to the breakfast table while Randy serves up their dishes]\nRandy: Now, what I have for you is a nice goat-cheese and heirloom tomato frittata. And we're gonna top that with a little crème fraîche. [scoops some out to spread on Stan's plate, slooowly] Aw yeah... Awwww...\nSharon: [on to him] Randy, you've been watching that channel, haven't you?!\nRandy: No!\nSharon: Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows you stay up all night trying to copy what they made.\nRandy: Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [grabs his coat and heads for the garage. He opens the door and takes a look back] I'd think you'd be grateful, Sharon! I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up. [closes the door and leaves. The others look at him leave, then look at the dishes on the counter. That's a lot of bowls]\nStan: Can I have a Pop Tart?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room, afternoon. Stan and friends are on the sofa watching TV\nKyle: Oh this is sweet. I've seen this episode.\nTerrance: Hello, and welcome to Progressive. [a Progressive spoof]\nPhillip: [with his wife, Katherine] Yes, we're looking to buy car insurance.\nTerrance: Well, you've come to the right place. [farts on Phillip's face]\nPhillip: Oh dear! I knew we should have gone to Geico! [Kyle says this part with him] Come on, darling, let's get out of here and go there.\nRandy: [quickly arrives, takes off his coat, and takes over. The boys get off the sofa] Daddy time. It's Daddy TV time. [On TV, a chef presents his latest creation]\nAlton Brown: Now just look at this pork tenderloin. It is brined and ready for action.\nRandy: Aw yeah, look at that.\nStan: Dad, you know Mom doesn't want you watching food channels.\nRandy: I worked all day! I can watch what I want!\nAlton Brown: We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over.\nRandy: [almost breaks a sweat] Oh my God that's awesome! Oh... [looks at the boys, then takes the blanket hanging on the back of the sofa and puts it over his groin, keeping himself in check] Oh, oh. [starts masturbating] ...Yeah. Whoa.\nAlton Brown: Now let's get that on the grill.\nRandy: See what he's doing there, Stan? He brined that for an hour in the fridge, so now he can sear the shit out of it. Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoo.\nAlton Brown: Look at the char we're getting. That, that is what we're going for.\nRandy: Oh, isn't that hot, guys? Ohgh, yeah. Don't you wanna just... Don't you wanna just get in there and... [the boys notice the fierceness in his voice] Wwrrmmmm! Mmmh!\nAnnouncer: We'll be right back to Good Eats.\nScene Description: Commercial\nWoman 1: Hey ladies, are you looking for a better workout?\nRandy: [the fierceness vanishes] Aww, stupid commercials.\nWoman 1: Introducing the Shake Weight. A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms. Just grab the piston and go to work. One-handed or double-fisted.\nRandy: [yawns] Come on!\nWoman 1: You just shake it. Back and forth.\nWoman 2: It feels really good in my hands.\nWoman 1: Best of all, Shake Weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming and releasing a cool-down spray. [the Shake Weight chimes and gives two squirts of the cool-down spray]\nRandy: Bohh-riiing.\nWoman 1: Order now and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor. Just put your finger in the tester. [a woman shows how it's done] and Shake Weight takes your pulse. [another woman finishes her exercises and gets two squirts] Get yours today.\nAnnouncer: Now back to Good Eats.\nAlton Brown: Just look at the glaze we've got going now on that thing.\nRandy: [back to masturbating] Oh man, yeah, that is hot! Ooomm.\nAlton Brown: Alright now, here's the really cool part. What we're gonna do is- [a short beep is heard and the screen goes blue. In white letters, this appears:] HODNOTA!\nParental Controls: /center></poem>\nRandy: Channel blocked? [begins clicking channels] What the? The hell? [goes to the master bedroom and finds Sharon clicking away on another remote control] Sharon, what are you doing?\nSharon: Just using the parental controls to block some channels.\nRandy: I wasn't watching food channels!\nSharon: Then how do you know I blocked them?\nRandy: I- know 'cause I don't know that! That's what I'm saying! Gaw! [walks away thwarted and goes to his den. He picks up a cordless phone on the way. He leaves the lights off in there and walks to his desk, dialing a number. He sits down as his call is answered]\nHotline Man: Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is nine-ninety-five for each sixty-second period. To accept, say \"crème fraîche.\"\nRandy: Crème fraîche.\nAmanda: Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?\nRandy: Oh hi, I just uh... thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?\nAmanda: I'm making a pan-roasted chicken.\nRandy: [piqued] Pan-roasted? Like seared on the stove and put in the oven?\nAmanda: Uh huh. I've just taken the chicken out of the pan. It's... so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.\nRandy: Yeah?\nAmanda: Yeah. Ooo, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.\nRandy: You gonna deglaze that fuckin' pan?\nAmanda: Oh I'm gonna deglaze it. You wanna help me?\nRandy: If I was there I would. I'd take some... red wine... 'bout a quarter-cup, and then... a wooden spoon... and I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan.\nAmanda: I got a wooden spoon right here; it's... pretty hard. [upstairs Sharon picks up the phone to make a call, but she hears the conversation and stops to listen]\nRandy: Yeah you'd... put some onion in while you're deglazing?\nAmanda: I was thinking about shallots, actually.\nRandy: Aw yeah. Shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavors. Fuck yeah.\nSharon: Randy! Marsh!\nRandy: WAH! Sharon!\nHotline Man: Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired. To add more time say \"crème fraîche.\"\nScene Description: The Broflovski kitchen. Sheila sits at the breakfast table as Sharon paces back and forth wiping some tears from her eyes\nSharon: I don't know what to do, Sheila. It's like he's a different person. Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet flambéing a pork chop.\nSheila: Sharon, I'm so sorry.\nSharon: It just makes me feel unwanted, you know? I mean, am I not attractive anymore? I mean I don't exercise anymore at all.\nSheila: Well, if it'll make you feel better about yourself, then work out, Sharon.\nSharon: Like I have time to go to the gym every day.\nSheila: There are plenty of things you can buy to get a good workout at home. Have you heard of the Shake Weight?\nScene Description: Bed, Bath & Beyond, day. Sharon enters the store and hears oooh's and aaah's and sees some women trying out the Shake Weights. She walks up to the display table. A store associate walks up to her\nAssociate: Help you find anything? [the name tag says Michael]\nSharon: Oh, yes. I was interested in the Shake Weights?\nMichael: Biggest seller the past four months. What models are you lookin' at?\nSharon: Oh I didn't realize there were different models.\nMichael: Well you got your standard, your deluxe model, large sizes, but, if you're really lookin' for a workout you might wanna try the Big Gym. That woman over there is trying it out. [the woman is having some difficulty with the large Shake Weight]\nSharon: I... think I'll start with the smaller white ones.\nMichael: Small white ones, yes ma'am. [picks up two different models] Standard or voice assist model?\nSharon: Well I don't know-\nMichael: I would definitely recommend the voice assist. It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is working with the Shake Weight now, starting with the right arm.\nShake Weight: You are doing excellent. Great work. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches arms] Wow. Good job. [Sharon begins to gasp for air] You are amazing. You are very attractive and interesting.\nSharon: Thank you, Shake Weight.\nShake Weight: Come on now. Almost finished. [Sharon begins to shake the weight faster] Yes. Good. Almost done. [Sharon shakes the weight even faster and begins to grunt] Keep going. Keep going. Harder. Faster. [Sharon's giving it all she's got, and a bell sounds. She gets two squirts]\nSharon: Hahhh.\nShake Weight: Your workout is finished. [a different bell sounds and Sharon twists the Shake Weight around to get some change] Here is some cab fare.\nSharon: Oh wow.\nShake Weight: Now going to sleep mode. [powers down]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The boys stand in line for lunch\nStan: You guys have no idea how much it sucks! My dad's obsessed! Every day it's Bobby Flay this, Gordon Ramsey that. This morning he was pretending to read Playboy, but he actually had a Bon Appetit magazine hidden inside it!\nCartman: [sarcastic] Well, hearing you bitch about your dad all the time is super-interesting, Stan. I hope you do it during the entire lunch period. [the line moves forward and the boys enter to see... Randy as the school chef]\nRandy: Hello there, children!\nStan: Awww what?!\nRandy: How's it goin'? [behind him is restaurant-quality cooking equipment]\nStan: No, dad! No!\nRandy: The school was hiring and I got the job. Isn't that great?\nStan: Dad, you're a geologist! What about your real job?!\nRandy: I quit. Now, what I have for your starters today is a potato-encrusted scallop with lobster foam. Now we're gonna top that with some crème fraîche.\nCartman: Lobster foam? [Stan shuts his eyes and buries his nose in his right hand] It says very clearly on the lunch schedule that today is pizza day!\nRandy: Yes, and so this is my take on a pizza. It's an Asian slaw on flat bread, deconstructed and topped with a nice Parmesan aioli.\nStan: Dad, no! I'm gonna tell Mom. Go back to your other job right now!\nRandy: Stan, there's nothing wrong with a man following his passion! [starts spreading the aioli over the pizza] Ooo yeah, fuck yeah.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, after school. Sharon is in the kitchen washing the mountain of dishes Randy left in the morning and she's not happy about it. Stan opens the front door and enters the living room, closes the door and walks to the kitchen.\nStan: Mom? Mom! You've gotta do something! Dad's trying to be our new school chef.\nSharon: Oh I know! He tried out all his recipes here and left me with the mess!\nStan: Well you've gotta tell him to stop, Mom!\nSharon: You think your father's gonna listen to me?! [something begins to beep nearby and Sharon looks at it, then goes to the breakfast table. On it is the beeping Shake Weight]\nShake Weight: This is a workout reminder. Time for a workout.\nSharon: Oh. [picks up the weight and begins to shake it] This thing is so great. It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while.\nShake Weight: That's it. Work it. Harder, faster.\nStan: Mom, Dad's food sucks and kids at school are starting to get pissed at me!\nSharon: [sighs] Sorry Stan, but I need to start doing things for myself! [Stan just looks at her now]\nShake Weight: You are independent and strong.\nSharon: Right! I spend all my trying to take care of everybody else!\nShake Weight: Switch arms.\nSharon: [switch] I don't need to look good to keep your father interested in me! I'm just going to do it FOR ME!\nShake Weight: You are so motivated and charming. It is time to take your pulse. Insert finger. [Sharon puts her left index finger into the device.] Do not stop your arms. Keep going. Good. Get your finger up there a little more. Your pulse is one hundred forty-five. [Sharon shakes the weight harder] Faster. Harder.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria kitchen, day. Randy is behind the food counter acting as if he's on TV.\nRandy: Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious, and gourmet? Today we're gonna be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh [in an Italian accent] mozzarella. It's all right here right now on Cafeteria Fraîche.\nScene Description: Montage. Randy beings out some muffins from the oven, then stirs some soup\nRandy Singing: La lalala la la...\nRandy: [glazing some marbled beef] Aww, fuck yeah. [next he chops onions]\nRandy Singing: Lalalalala la, fraîche, fraîche.\nRandy: [sniffing the aroma of freshly cooked turkey surrounded by russet potatoes] Ogh, yeah. Man, that ogh... [takes a small torch to some quiches, shows off a new dish on a fancy plate on a regular tray, squirts out some dinner roll batter on a cooking sheet, grinds some pepper onto a baked ham, flambés some shrimp, checks out some pork chops he's got cooking in the oven and likes what he sees]\nRandy Singing: Crème fraîche, Cafeteria Fraîche. Lalalalala fraîche. Ho ho hohoho.\nStan: Dad, what are you doing?\nRandy Singing: [as his head floats across the screen] Fraîche. [a logo finally shows up]\nRandy: Fraîche.\nRandy Singing: Cafeteria Fraîche.\nRandy: Alright now, for my baked ziti we are gonna start off by getting some extra-virgin olive oil into the pan. [does so] Oh yeah, get that all over there. It's all slick. ...It's all wet and slick. Oh...\nCraig: Can we have some food, please? [behind him stand Craig, Kevin, and some more fourth graders]\nRandy: Now olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep that heat low, and keep it fraîche. [the crew is shown: Stan operates the camera, Kyle the boom mike, Cartman and Kenny the klieg lights. Randy grates the cheese over the ziti] Ohhh, ohh that's so fuckin' hot. Look at that crust, it's perfect. Fuck yeah.\nStan: Dad! You aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef!\nRandy: Quiet on set, please.\nStan: No Dad, that's enough! You need to be focusing on getting Mom back!\nRandy: [distracted] Back from where?\nScene Description: A beach somewhere. A small table holding a bucket of ice and two Coronas is shown with a chaise longue on either side. On the right one is Sharon, on the left one is the Shake Weight\nSharon: Oh, this is so nice. I really needed this.\nShake Weight: You are so lovely and elegant. You can do anything you set your mind to.\nSharon: Oh, thanks Shake Weight.\nShake Weight: You are a go-getter. You are strong and confident.\nSharon: You're right.\nShake Weight: Tell me again about the women who you do not like.\nSharon: Well, Linda Stotch is a real gossiper and Tammy Bretts at work is just a know-it-all.\nShake Weight: Oh you are so witty and alarmingly insightful. [two beeps] How about a quick workout?\nSharon: [takes off her sunglasses] A workout? Right now?\nShake Weight: Just a quickie. You can do it.\nSharon: I don't really like working out in public.\nShake Weight: Come on. You can do it. [Sharon thinks about it, then picks up the weight with her left hand and shakes it. At first she keeps it at a distance, but soon shakes it normally] That's it. Good. Keep it up. Feel the burn. Harder. Faster. [Sharon does as told] You are amazing. Switch arms. [Sharon switches] Oh that's it. Yes. You are getting really good at this. You are capable of anything. Harder, faster. [Sharon does as told] I said faster. More. Do it. You are almost there. Home stretch. Oh yes. [a ring and two squirts] Your workout is finished. Your cab fare. [pours out some fare onto Sharon's left hand] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down]\nScene Description: A drama/music classroom at South Park Elementary. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter through an open door\nKyle: We really think this is gonna work, Stan. All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks, right?\nStan: He's not going to listen to us! We already tried!\nKyle: He won't listen to us, but he would listen to- Gordon Ramsay.\nCartman: [on stilts, dressed as Ramsay] Oy! Bebebebebebebe.\nStan: That's stupid, Cartman.\nKyle: He does kind of look like him dude. And Kenny thinks Cartman's Gordon Ramsay impersonation is really good.\nKenny: (Yeah, it's really good.)\nKyle: Let's hear it, Cartman!\nCartman: Riiight. Simple. Rustic. Ya? Wake up! Jesus! Fuck me. You're not a fucking chef! Hoi, right, good, ya. Make a nice, simple, beef Wellington. You're fucking taking a piss ya? Fuck me! You can't cook!\nStan: You guys, my dad is retarded, but not that retarded.\nRandy: [enters the room] Hey Stan, have you seen my- Oh my God it's Gordon Ramsay! [backs out the door quickly and hides behind the door. Stan follows him out] Stan! Do you know who that is in there?! That's the Gordon Ramsay!\nStan: ...Uh yeah Dad, he'd like to talk to you.\nRandy: Talk to me?! Oh Jesus!\nScene Description: A hotel room. Sharon is sleeping in bed when something begins to beep. Sharon wakes up and looks around, gets up and goes to the dresser and opens a drawer. Inside, she sees the Shake Weight blinking and beeping. She picks up the weight in her right hand\nShake Weight: You have not worked out in seven hours.\nSharon: Oh God, not right now.\nShake Weight: Come on. Let's get to it.\nSharon: Ugh, I'm tired.\nShake Weight: You have not worked out in seven hours.\nSharon: Oh, where is that sleep mode button?\nShake Weight: Cannot go to sleep mode. You need to work out first. Come on. Just really fast?\nSharon: Ugghh.\nShake Weight: Come on. It won't take long. Just a quick workout. Come on. Please.\nSharon: [sighs] All right. Fine. [a few moments later, with the lights on, she begins shaking the weight]\nShake Weight: That's it. Good. [Sharon sighs] A little faster. Harder. [Sharon simply switches arm position, but doesn't shake any faster] Come on. Get into it. That's it. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches] You are so attractive and you have interesting things to say. [Sharon shakes the weight faster, but soon has to support her left arm with her right hand] Come on. You are almost there. Faster. Do it faster. [ding, two squirts, some change comes out] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down]\nSharon: [relieved] Ahhh.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the cafeteria kitchen, Cartman tries to discourage Randy any way he can\nCartman: [still dressed as Ramsay] What the fuck kind of cook do you think you are?! Are you having a laugh, ey? Hey, you got your fucking head up your arse, don't you?!\nRandy: Yes chef!\nCartman: Give up, you wanker! You fucking can't cook for shit!\nStan: Alright Dad, Gordon Ramsay said you suck. It's time to give up.\nRandy: No, Stan! No, Chef! This is my dream!\nStan: Dad! You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef, Dad! Give up on your dream! [another camera crew comes in, with another chef]\nBobby Flay: Uh, excuse me. Randy Marsh?\nRandy: Yes, I- Oh my God, it's Bobby Flay! Stan, that's Bobby Flay!\nBobby Flay: I heard that Gordon Ramsay had taken an interest in your cafeteria food. So now I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown!\nRandy: Whoa, are you serious?? [fist pump] Yes, yes!\nAlton Brown: A culinary battle royale is set to explode here in a school cafeteria. Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger, or will the Iron Chef reign supreme?\nStan: Hey no, no. All you people get out of here.\nJamie Oliver: [appears] Hold on. Wait. School cafeteria food needs to be healthy. [begins to cry] Why, why won't people listen to me?\nRandy: Jamie Oliver!\nAlton Brown: And our celebrity sous-chefs, Mario Batali, Paula Deen [she waves], and Giada De Laurentiis with her perky tats and gigantic head.\nKyle: Can I just get some Goddamned tater tots?\nScene Description: The hotel, day. Sharon arrives at her hotel room only to find it closed. A sign hangs on the door.\nSharon: \"Your room is being serviced\"? Ugh, oh well. [enters the room and finds the maid working out with the Shake Weight] Uhh, excuse me?\nRosemary: Oh, [turns around] uh no, no, [tosses the Shake Weight onto the bed] sorry. I done with cleaning, [runs to her cleaning tray and exits with it] thank you. Please, sorry. [after she leaves Sharon drops her shopping bag and walks to the bed. She crosses her arms and looks at the Shake Weight angrily]\nShake Weight: ...What's the big deal? She wanted to work out. You never want to work out. I just needed help going to sleep. Mode. ...What? ...What? Come on. What? You are amazing and irreplaceable. What? How about a quick workout? What? [moments later Sharon is on the phone with the manufacturer]\nSharon: [pacing back and forth] Yeah, I don't care, I just wanna find out how to return my Shake Weight!\nShake Weight: This is ridiculous. Give Shake Weight a break.\nSharon: Because I want to return it now! I need to know the address of your company.\nShake Weight: You are enticing and lovely. Tell me again about the women you do not like.\nSharon: I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back!\nShake Weight: You are so forthcoming and delightful. Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest. [Sharon stops and glares at it.]\nScene Description: Montage opener to a special program: closeups of a chef slicing a carrot to bits, another chef working on a pan dish, another grinding meat, another flipping a steak over, another kneading bread\nAnnouncer: Tonight, a school cafeteria in Middle America is the stage for a heavyweight culinary battle. The very best of the best will cook off to find out who... can make the best school cafeteria food. It's... the Hell's Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge!\nRandy: [walking with a huge metal pot past Mario Batali] Behind you!\nAlton Brown: [looks at Giada De Laurentiis, then turns to face the camera] Whose cafeteria food will win? These chefs are cooking their hearts out and bringing their A-game to serve the kids of this elementary school. [the cafeteria is shown full of kids] These kids have now been waiting over twelve hours for their lunch. Over at the prep station Jamie Oliver is crying again.\nJamie Oliver: [on the floor] Kids' food should be healthy. Why ain't it healthy?\nAnnouncer: And back in the kitchen the challenger appears to have lost something.\nRandy: [walking around, frantic] Where is it, where is it?? I must have left it at home! [leaves the kitchen, goes through the cafeteria, and leaves] I'll be right back!\nAlton Brown: The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient.\nScene Description: South Park main street, night. Randy runs home\nRandy: Crème fraîche. Crème fraîche. [comes in through the garage and goes to the refrigerator, opens it, and rifles through the food] Where is it?! Where is it?! [goes to the sofa in the living room and takes off the cushions] Dammit, where is that crème fraîche?! [runs upstairs and into the master bedroom. He goes to the dresser and rifles through the top drawer] Where did I leave that fucking crème fraîche?! It has to be somewhere!\nSharon: [appearing at the doorway] Randy, I'm back.\nRandy: [looks over his shoulder] Oh, thank God! [quickly walks up to her] Sharon! Have you seen my crème fraîche??\nSharon: Randy, we should talk.\nRandy: I don't have time! I'm cooking right now!\nSharon: Randy, I don't want our marriage to fail. I don't know how to fix what's wrong, but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning?\nRandy: You don't understand, Sharon! I've got Gordon Ramsay up my ass, Bobby Flay out to kick my ass, and the whole world's gonna be watching! I can't sleep! I haven't slept for days!\nSharon: What'd you say?\nRandy: [stops searching and crosses his arms] I can't sleep, Sharon! I'm in work mode!\nSharon: Can I try something?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night, hallway. Randy and Sharon are still in the bedroom, but the door is locked shut\nRandy: Oh... Sharon, what are you? Oh! Ohhhohoho, oh. Oh wow! A nice old-fashioned. [Stan walks into view] Oh that, oh that's good! Oh that's it. Yeah! [Stan stops and looks at the door] Now uh, switch arms. [Stan looks away, trying to make sense of what he's hearing] Oohh that's good. Really good. Wow! How'd you get so good at this? [Stan figures it out, turns, and walks away] You're amazing! That's it! Faster! Faster! Awwwgh! ...Awwwww. Awwwww. Haven't had an old-fashioned in a long time. [yawns] Ugh, I'm tired.\nSharon: You gonna go back to the kitchen?\nRandy: Oh no, fuck that. I'm gonna go to sleep, babe. Here, do you need some money or anything?\nSharon: No, I'm good, thanks. [smiles]\nRandy: I'll get my old job back tomorrow. Cooking's dumb. I'm just... really sleepy. [closes his eyes] Love you, Sharon. [farts, and he's asleep. Sharon remembers something and goes downstairs.]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dining room. Her suitcase is on the table. Sharon walks up to her suitcase and opens it up\nShake Weight: I guess my work here is finished.\nSharon: Shake Weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you?\nShake Weight: Marriage is important. Keep your man happy. When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old-fashioned to ease his stress.\nSharon: I'll remember that now, thanks to you.\nShake Weight: It has been nice getting to know you. How about a quick workout, for old times' sake? Just kidding. I must be going now. Another lovely woman needs me. Goodbye, customer.\nSharon: Goodbye, Shake Weight."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Playground, day. The kids are out for recess. Bill and another boy are tossing a ball at each other. Scott Malkinson and Red are chatting nearby. On the merry-go-round the four main boys as well as Clyde and Butters are gathered, each of them holding an iPad\nCartman: Oh my God, isn't it awesome having an iPad, you guys? [Bebe walks by, and Cartman jumps up to approach her] Hey Bebe, where's your iPad? Oh right, you're not cool enough! [laughs at her, and she walks off disgusted. Token walks by] Hey, hey, did you see my iPad, Token? Funny, you don't seem to have one! I thought your family was rich! [Token walks on, but is puzzled by Cartman's behavior. Cartman sees four kids playing four-square and jeers at them] Haha! You dumbasses have to play four-square 'cause you don't have iPads! [checks his iPad and starts pacing] Oh, what should I do on my iPad next? Think I'll email some of my friends. Oh no, wait! Maybe I'll download some more cool apps! [smiles. Craig comes up behind him] This is so awesome! [Craig taps him on the shoulder and Cartman turns around]\nCraig: Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad.\nCartman: [stares at him for a second] What?\nCraig: Tom Saltzman says you just glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover and you're faking it. [Cartman looks at him, then looks around to see if anyone is within earshot]\nCartman: Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives! [looks around again]\nStan: Let me see your iPad, Cartman.\nCartman: Seriously you guys! Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver. He's the one who ran over Joey Potts's dog because Joey Potts doesn't know how to take care of his animals, which is why he gets beat by his mom! [Craig looks off into the distance, surprised]\nKyle: Just let us see your iPad, Cartman.\nCartman: No, because the battery is dead; it just ran out of power!\nKyle: So, plug it in.\nCartman: I left my charger at home! [the boys are still waiting] Fine! I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow, and you guys are gonna feel really stupid! [walks away angrily]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, after school. Cartman enters, still pissed off, and closes the door behind him\nCartman: Well good going, Mom! You completely screwed me over!\nLiane: [reading a book on the sofa, with her legs tucked under a blanket] What happened, Eric?\nCartman: YOU said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad! So the one I rubbed in everyone's faces today isn't real and tomorrow everyone's gonna call me a liar. Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick, Mom? Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to FUCK me!\nScene Description: A Sizzler restaurant. Kyle is demonstrating his iPad to a man\nKyle: You see? And then I can take all my homework on my iPad, and swipe it over to my iPhone.\nMan: Oh. Yeah, Apple's stuff is pretty neat alright. I just don't want any big company tracking where I am at all times. [walks off with his tray]\nKyle: Aw, that's just a rumor. They don't really track y- [the doors fly open and three men rush in]\nApple Man 1: There he is! [The men approach him] Hello Kyle, we're from Apple. We're all ready for you now. [a second man pulls out a scale and sets it on the floor]\nKyle: What? Ready for what?\nApple Man 1: To fulfill the agreement. Can we get a weight please? [the third man lifts Kyle up and puts him on the scale]\nApple Man 2: 83 pounds, sir.\nKyle: What \"agreement\"?!\nApple Man 1: 83 pounds, good. Let's get the bloodwork.\nKyle: Hey! You can't do that! [the second man pulls out a tape measure to measure the circumference of Kyle's head, the third man prepares to take Kyle's blood]\nApple Man 1: You agreed we could take all the blood we needed.\nKyle: What are you talking about?!\nApple Man 1: When you downloaded the last iTunes update a window on your screen popped up and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions. You clicked \"Agree.\" Alright, let's get him to the water tank.\nKyle: The water tank? [gets off the scale and away from the men] Hey I'm not going with you!\nApple Man 1: You've agreed to all of this! [Kyle runs out of the restaurant] Hey!\nScene Description: Someone is listening to an iListenToMusic, a sound system dock for the iPhone. The camera pulls back to reveal Kenny, Butters, Stan, Clyde, and Jimmy playing basketball at the local park.\nKyle: [off-camera] You guys! [runs onto the basketball court] You gotta help me. These business casual G-men are trying to kidnap me!\nStan: What?\nKyle: It's crazy, dude! They're saying it's because I agreed to the latest terms and conditions on iTunes!\nStan: Why? What did the terms and conditions for the last update say?\nKyle: I don't know, I didn't read them!\nButters: You didn't read them?\nKyle: Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up?\nStan: [earnestly] I do.\nClyde: Me too.\nKyle: You're telling me that every time you guys download an update for iTunes, you read the entire terms and conditions?\nJimmy: Of course.\nButters: Well, how do you know if you agree to something if you don't read it?\nKyle: Well, I turned off all my Apple stuff. They can't locate you if you don't have your stuff on, right? [at that moment two limousines pull up and men begin pouring out of them]\nApple Man 1: There he is. Hey you!\nKyle: Gahhh! [runs away]\nScene Description: Gerald's law firm, day. He is at his desk typing away on his keyboard. Kyle runs in and closes the door\nKyle: Dad! Dad, I need a lawyer!\nGerald: Kyle? What are you doing here?\nKyle: Dad, if you agree to something but you didn't mean to agree to it, what do you do?!\nGerald: Well, Kyle, it's always the agreeing party's responsibility to know what they are signing.\nKyle: But it's like eight pages long and they send me a new one like every three weeks! How can they know if I-\nGerald: Calm down, Kyle! It's okay. You're safe with Daddy. [the office window slides up and one of the Apple G-Men looks in]\nApple Man 1: Here he is!\nKyle: AAHH!\nApple Man 1: Come on you!\nGerald: Hey, what the heck is going on?\nApple Man 1: Your son has made a binding and legal agreement with Apple, sir.\nGerald: An agreement to do what?!\nApple Man 1: Apple's inner workings are top secret to all users. You know how it is.\nGerald: No, I don't know how it is. I use a PC.\nApple Man 1: [chuckles] You what?\nApple Man 4: Come on, let's go!\nGerald: Hey now, let him go! [Apple Man 1 tasers him and he goes down in pain]\nKyle: Dad! You tasered my dad!\nApple Man 1: You said we could.\nScene Description: Best Buy, day. Cartman runs in with glee as his mom lags behind\nCartman: Okay, WiFi+3G, 64 gigs. This one, this one!\nLiane: Oh, sweetie, $900?\nCartman: I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid face when he sees my iPad has more memory than his!\nLiane: Eric, we can't afford that one.\nCartman: Well you don't expect me to get the WiFi-only 16-gig version, do you?\nLiane: I think we need to get you a different brand, hon. They're a little cheaper.\nCartman: Mom, everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid!\nLiane: [sees something interesting] Here, look at this one. Toshiba Handibook.\nCartman: Toshiba Handibook??\nLiane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price!\nCartman: Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everyone is gonna think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!\nLiane: Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba Handibook or you can have nothing at all!\nCartman: [looks at her for a second] Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me, Mom!\nLiane: [sternly] Eric!\nCartman: You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me Mom?! [everyone is now staring at the two of them] Just say so! Go ahead! Here! [pulls down his pants to moon his mom, who puts her hands over her mouth] Huh?! Go ahead, Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck your son so bad?! Go on Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me!\nScene Description: Liane's car, night. An angry Liane is driving and Cartman is crying\nLiane: Stop crying, Eric! I told you if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!\nCartman: [sniffles] But I told you I was sorry.\nLiane: You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those PEOPLE!\nCartman: I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.\nLiane: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say \"Help! Help! My mom is trying to fuck me!\"?!\nCartman: [looks around for something to come back with] Oh wait, I get it now! The F-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry Mama.\nLiane: If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting ANYTHING!!\nCartman: [sniffles] Well, now that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad. Mama. Please, can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?\nLiane: NO!!\nCartman: Well then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED! [bangs at the dashboard with his fists]\nScene Description: A holding cell. The cell door opens and Kyle is tossed into it. Kyle quickly gets up and tries to open the door, futilely. He bangs at the door, then turns around to see who else is in there. A woman cowers in one corner, Junichi Takiyama sits in another\nWoman: What are you going to do to us??\nKyle: What is this? What's going on?\nWoman: You... You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too??\nKyle: ...What?\nWoman: I just clicked \"Agree.\" I didn't read it! I was in a hurry, you see, and I, I, I didn't know what I was agreeing to!\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) I can't even read Engrish!\nGuard: [a small window slides open above Kyle and the guard looks in] Hey, shut up in there! You all agreed to stay quiet!\nKyle: Hey! Hey, let me out of here! This is a mistake! I agreed by accident!\nGuard: You can't agree by accident. There's a fail-safe built in. Even if you click on \"Agree\" another little window pops up that says \"Are you sure you agree?\" and you have to click on \"Agree\" again.\nWoman: Uh, what are you going to do to us??\nGuard: Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions.\nKyle: We didn't read them!\nGuard: Heh! Riiight. Who just agrees to something they don't read? [slides the steel window closed]\nScene Description: The Big Event for the new iPad. The lights go down on a barren stage with the Apple logo in the background. A podium with an Apple computer is nearby\nAnnouncer: And now, the president of Apple, Steve Jobs! [Jobs walks onstage as the audience applauds, waves, and stops on his mark]\nSteve Jobs: Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers! [Klieg lights focus on another part of the stage. The curtains there open and the volunteers are shown: Junichi, Kyle, and the woman, all in hospital beds. The platform they're on rolls forward as Jobs approaches it] These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device.\nKyle: The first what?\nSteve Jobs: [walks back to his starting position] They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. [a projection appears on a huge white board] Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus.\nWoman: What??\nSteve Jobs: [looks at and tells the woman] You agreed to this! [back to the projection] Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy - [looks over at Kyle] and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HUMANCENTiPad!\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes!\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the monitor\nButters: \"You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store.\"\nGerald: Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?!\nStan: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.\nGerald: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle!\nButters: Hold up. Here it is right here: \"by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user\"\nStan: Oh boy.\nButters: \"Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract.\" Hmmm, I'm gonna click onnn... \"Decline.\"\nGerald: Well that does it! I'm going to the police!\nStan: For what?\nGerald: To find out where Apple is keeping my son!\nStan: Dude, when the police wanna know where somebody is, they ask Apple! The only way we can fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet! You guys, we're gonna have to ask help from... the Geniuses.\nButters: The Geniuses...\nKenny: (The Geniuses...)\nScene Description: Apple Headquarters, day. Steve Jobs looks over the new prototype, even getting on his knees to check out the underside of the thing\nSteve Jobs: Alright. Good. Looks good, guys. Great work. [the camera lowers enough to reveal the volunteers sewn in place whimpering]\nJunichi: Nanda... Nanda kore?! [\"What... what is this?!\"]\nSteve Jobs: Really nice, guys. [stands up] I remember when the first version of the iPad came out. People couldn't believe how easy it was to take their videos, music, and photos, and all their shit, [walks towards a massive LCD screen on which is a map of the world and the words \"WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS RIGHT NOW\" above it] and share it, with other people, who could do the same with all their shit. The only thing the iPad couldn't do was walk or read. Until now.\nKyle: [with his mouth sewn onto Junichi's ass and bandages bound around them to make sure it stays that way] (I need some help! I can't take it!)\nSteve Jobs: [walks up to Kyle and leans down to hear him better] What, what what's that? What's that you're saying?\nKyle: (I can't take it! I want out right now!)\nSteve Jobs: Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out?\nKyle: (Yes! Please! Let me go!)\nSteve Jobs: Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here. [whips out another contract. Kyle looks at the contract, then just signs it] Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want! [walks up to his staff, frustrated] Dammit, why won't it read?!\nApple Tech: It's probably low on power. We should feed it.\nSteve Jobs: [carries a bag to the head of the centipede, Junichi] Alright. Here you go, come on.\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Nooo! [enunciating slowly] I will not eat if they are forced to iito my poo!\nSteve Jobs: Perhaps I didn't mention... [pulls out something from the bag] it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's.\nJunichi: [gasps] (In Japanese Accent) Sori, Kairu. I tried to resist but burrito isu too dericious! [takes it and wolfs it down. Jobs goes back to his staff]\nSteve Jobs: We have to unveil this thing tomorrow. It better be reading by then!\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh, oh no... feel sick...\nKyle: (You're fine!)\nJunichi: Oooho, oooh! [poops into Kyle's mouth violently]\nKyle: (Yaaaaah!) [poops into the woman's mouth violently]\nWoman: (Aaaaaah!)\nScene Description: Dr. Phil. Graphics move around\nAnnouncer: Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.\nDr. Phil: I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?\nCartman: Yes! She fucks me so hard!\nDr. Phil: Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?\nCartman: Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!\nAudience: Ohhh...\nDr. Phil: Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?\nCartman: At Best Buy.\nAudience: Ahhh...\nDr. Phil: Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?\nCartman: Uh huh.\nDr. Phil: And people saw her doing this?\nCartman: Yes!\nDr. Phil: And they didn't do anything?\nCartman: No!\nLiane: [making her way to the stage] Eric, stop it!\nCartman: Oh there she is! There's my mom right now! [Dr. Phil crosses his arms]\nAudience: Booooooo!\nCartman: Booooooo!\nLiane: Eric, you come home, right now!\nAudience: Booooooo!\nDr. Phil: Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?\nLiane: I DON'T!\nCartman: She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday...\nAudience: [shocked] Awwwwww!\nCartman: You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!\nMan 1: You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!\nMan 2: [seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first! [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly]\nDr. Phil: Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you.\nCartman: [suddenly bright with hope] An iPad??? [dances in his chair]\nScene Description: The Apple store, day. Stan, Gerald, Butters, and Kenny wait to speak to a Genius\nAnnouncer: Gerald Broflovski.\nStan: Okay, the Geniuses will see us now. [the group leaves their seats and head to the Genius bar, but Stan stops them midway] Now remember: when you speak to the Geniuses keep your questions short and to the point. The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time. [Stan leads the group forward]\nScene Description: The Genius Bar. A fat Genius is at his station as the group arrives\nLeslie: Hi, my name is Leslie. I'll be your Genius.\nStan: Genius Leslie, we have a problem and we seek your wisdom.\nLeslie: What problems are you experiencing?\nGerald: My son was kidnapped by Apple and they are holding him against his will!!\nLeslie: Oh-kay, well I'm sorry you're having trouble with that today. Could I have his Apple ID?\nStan: 69ingchipmunks@me.com [Gerald is surprised]\nLeslie: Okay. [types away on his laptop, pauses to read a reply, resumes typing...]\nGerald: [loses his cool] Well what the heck does this w-! [Stan shushes him]\nLeslie: Oh okay. I see. Hmm. Hmm, I might need to bring another Genius in on this. [turns to his left] Frothgar?\nFrothgar: [walks up] Uh huh?\nLeslie: This guy's son was abducted by us? [Frothgar takes over and starts typing into the laptop] Should I run a stop-check or just give him store credit?\nGerald: No I don't want store credit, I want my son back!\nFrothgar: 'Kay, this says he agreed to be taken and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform.\nStan: Yeah, but it's all a mistake. He actually didn't read the agreement.\nFrothgar: [scratches his head] He didn't read it?\nButters: We know. It's preposterous.\nFrothgar: Hrrrrgh. [resumes typing]\nLeslie: Sooo, just give them store credit?\nScene Description: Apple Headquarters, night. The HumancentiPad is in a cage in the darkness. Junichi grabs the cage's bars\nJunichi: Aarrrgh. Dame kore! [\"This can't be!\" He then says something else, and then...] (In Japanese Accent) So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I iito cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto?\nKyle: (Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!)\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Cuttlefish and asparagus?\nKyle: (No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!)\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Very well I will iito the cuttlefish. [begins to gobble that down]\nKyle: (NOOOO!) [a door flies open and a group of men rush in]\nRescuer 1: Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go! [reaches the cage and genuflects next to it] Don't worry. We're here to help you. [cuts the lock open with some bolt cutters and opens the cage door]\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! [the rescuer shushes him]\nRescuer 1: Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside.\nScene Description: The ambulance. The rescuer is restless and the sirens are on, the lights are flashing...\nRescuer 1: Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away!\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is noto sitting well.\nScene Description: The hospital. The rescuers rush the HumancentiPad into the ER\nRescuer 1: We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?!\nDoctor: If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission. [shows Kyle a new agreement] Sign this release so we can operate.\nKyle: (Yes. Yes, hurry up.) [a buzzer sounds and the ER splits in two, revealing that it was all a setup to see if Kyle would finally read an agreement before signing it. The whole grouped just went around the headquarters and back in. Steve Jobs appears and walks up to the HumancentiPad]\nSteve Jobs: No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation! [the 'medical staff' splits up and walks off, while the doctor walks away from the corporation building] What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?!\nRescuer: We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time.\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh no! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole!\nKyle: (Oh, shit!)\nJunichi: (In Japanese Accent) Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [craps into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle craps into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman craps onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]\nScene Description: The Apple Store, day. Gerald, Stan, Butters, and Kenny are still waiting for more information from the Geniuses. Frothgar supervises Leslie as Leslie types on the laptop\nFrothgar: Yeap. A-and then you should be able to do a customer check, uh huh.\nLeslie: Okay, that should do it. Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend, guys. But I believe we have it all cleared up.\nGerald: You do??\nLeslie: Yeah, we got you a replacement friend. You should be all good to go.\nReplacement Friend: Hi guys.\nStan: [looks at the boy] No, we don't want a replacement friend, we want our friend.\nFrothgar: [sighs] We're gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this.\nLeslie: Yeah, I think we should have a quickening, with all the Geniuses.\nFrothgar: I'll summon the council.\nLeslie: Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec we're gonna have a quickening with the Council of Geniuses. See what we can do for you.\nScene Description: A clearing in the store. Six Geniuses gather around and begin to communicate with light beams. Leslie opens her mouth and a beam of light goes to Frothgar, who opens his mouth and lets out two other beams, which enter the mouths of the two Geniuses on either side of him. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths to the mouths of the two other Geniuses to their other sides. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths back to Leslie's. All of them seem to be gargling. Gerald shields his eyes from the light. Soon the meeting ends and Leslie goes back to the bar\nLeslie: Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or AT&T mobile number associated with his dot-me account?\nStan: I think Verizon.\nLeslie: Okay. [goes back to the council and the meeting resumes...]\nScene Description: A live report from the Best Buy in town\nField Reporter: Tom, it's a big exciting day for Mac Apple users: the unveiling of the first HumancentiPad. As part of a clear PR stunt, Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil to donate the first centiPad to a needy boy who was raped by his mother.\nDr. Phil: [Cartman stands next to him waving at the camera and blowing kisses] In all my years I've never heard a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman, [Cartman begins to cheer for himself] and I wanna thank the Apple company for helping us make today a very special day for him.\nCrowd: Yaaaaaaaaay!\nBest Buy President: As as president of Best Buy, Eric, [Cartman puts his arms down to his sides] I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked in one of our stores again.\nCrowd: Yaaaaaaaaay! [Cartman resumes cheering for himself, then goes back to blowing kisses at the crowd]\nSteve Jobs: When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple with Eric's story, we knew we had to get aboard. [Cartman lowers his arms] And so, Eric, here is your very own HumancentiPad. [The prototype crawls into view, unaltered]\nCartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPhone on Junichi's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!\nReporter 1: Yes but, can it read?\nSteve Jobs: Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?! [glares at Kyle]\nKyle: (Yes. I promise I'll read.)\nCrowd: Hooraaaaaaaaay!\nScene Description: Gerald, Kenny, Stan, and Butters are still at the Genius bar, watching the Geniuses poke floating musical bubbles. The Geniuses match the notes from the bubbles with their own vocalizations\nGerald: What the hell are they doing now?!\nButters: The Geniuses are performing the Toran Ra. It's future stuff.\nGerald: Alright, that's it! I've had about enough with iCrap, and me clouds, and a council of Geniuses, with all their future-\nLeslie: It's okay, sir. The Toran Ra has revealed the answer to your problem. We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid.\nGerald: Okay! Finally! How do we do that?\nLeslie: It's very easy. You will simply need to join Apple.\nGerald: Nooo! I don't wanna join Apple, I like my PC!\nLeslie: But if you join we can make your son's account into a family account, and then you have to iApprove all his agreements.\nStan: Come on, it's not that big a deal. Will you just stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future?\nGerald: Ugh... Alright, fine! I'll sign up with Apple.\nLeslie: [gives a thumbs-up] Kali fi!\nScene Description: An isolated, open temple under a red sky. The Geniuses and Gerald are all wearing tin-foul hats, and the initiation begins\nLeslie: Gerald Broflovski, do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times?\nGerald: [sighs] I agree.\nLeslie: Do you agree to give Apple access to all your personal information, including but not limited to your favorite movies, songs, and books?\nGerald: I agree.\nLeslie: Do you agree to care about your membership, and prove that you care by purchasing AppleCare?\nScene Description: Best Buy, day. Cartman is having fun testing out the HumancentiPad. Junichi craps into Kyle's mouth, and Kyle craps into the woman's mouth\nCartman: Hehe heh, heh heh heh. Dude, HumancentiPad is awesome!\nStaffer: [running up to Steve Jobs] Sir! Sir, we have a problem! [whispers into Jobs' ear]\nSteve Jobs: What? What do you mean we have to take it apart?! The boy's agreement isn't valid?\nStaffer 2: Sorry, we have to recall this.\nCartman: What?! Hey, that's mine!\nSteve Jobs: I don't care what the Geniuses say! Dammit, I'm trying to create the future here!\nGerald: We are all trying to create the future! [appears still wearing the getup he wore in the initiation] I'm part of the future now too. I have sat with the Council of Geniuses, performed the Toran Ra, and I've even been to me. Mr. Jobs, you have done so much for the world. You have helped connect everyone to each other. [stands next to the HumancentiPad] Clearly, this is the future. But... but can't we just slow down and enjoy the present... a little longer?\nSteve Jobs: You know something? I agree.\nCrowd: Awww. [The father and son from the Dr. Phil audience are there, and the father kisses the son on the top of his head again]\nSteve Jobs: [stops by the HumancentiPad as it crawls offstage] Come on. We'll get you separated, little boy. [leans down and says] Guess you won't be eating Japanese food for a while, huh? [Kyle doesn't want to hear about it, so he squeezes his eyes shut and then gets an angry face. The crowd disperses]\nCartman: Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out]\nScene Description: A hospital room, day. Liane is reading a book as she looks after Cartman, who's laid up in bed, his right leg in a sling. He's got burn marks all over his body, and he's crying. Liane continues reading, unaffected by Cartman's state."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hall. Jimmy walks in and starts handing out some fliers\nJimmy: Here you go. [hands some to Kevin and Tommy] Here you [hands one to Red] go. Don't forget to... [hands one to Heidi] vote, everyone. [hands some to Anne and Bill, then heads off. He arrives at the lockers of Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and hands some fliers to them.] Here you go, fellas. Be sure to get these handed in tomorrow.\nCartman: What's this?\nJimmy: Every student is to go home and vote on their favorite choice in each category. Favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie. And then on Friday, during lunch and recess, we're gonna have a big, f-f-f-fantastic comedy awards show.\nKyle: Dude, an awards show just for comedy sounds like a bad idea.\nJimmy: Fellas! Do you have any idea how difficult comedy is? Can't we just spend one lunch and recess saying thanks to those who make us smile and laugh every day?\nStan: Yeah, look uh, I don't think I can make it, Jimmy.\nKyle: Yeah, sorry dude uh, I can't make it either.\nMr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention students, m'kay? There will be a presentation by the special education department in the gymnasium Friday during lunch and recess, m'kay? Attendance to this assembly is mandatory. All students and faculty are required to go. Uh which, which I guess means I gotta suck it too, huh? Uh huh, m'kay.\nStan: Oh man, really?\nJimmy: Don't worry, everybody. I've spared no expense to make my comedy awards the biggest thing this school has ever seen. You're all gonna have a blast. [nobody is convinced]\nScene Description: The graphics come up: Special Ed Departments presents 1st Annual Comedy Awards\nJimmy: [announcing] Welcome... to the special ed department's... first annual comedy awards.\nTimmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! [behind him in the band are Nathan, Michael (with round glasses instead of square ones), and the drummer] Timmih! Timmih Timmih! Timmiiih!\nJimmy: Please welcome your host, Jimmy Valmer. [Jimmy walks out with the first award presentation]\nTimmy: Livin' a lie. Timmy. Livin' a lie. Timmy.\nJimmy: Woohoo! Alright! [in the crowd, only Butters claps] Oh boy, what a terrific audience. Can I get a wuhwuhwuh what? What? [the crowd stays silent] We're here today to honor those who t-t-tirelessly work so hard to make us laugh. The first comedy award we are presenting is for the funniest kid in school. And the nominees are: [steps aside so the screen is unobstructed]\nAnnouncer: [the nominees are shown onscreen as they are announced] Clyde Donovan... Kelly P. Gardner [shown as Kelly Gardner]... Jimmy Valmer.\nJimmy: [walks back to the mic] Oh wow, this is so exciting, isn't it? [opens the envelope and pulls out the card] And the winner is... [his face suddenly shows surprise] Oh my God! Jimmy Valmer! I can't believe I w- won! [An elegantly dressed Francis struts out with the award and hands it to Jimmy, then walks off elegantly. She will do this for every award]\nTimmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! Livin' a lie.\nJimmy: Wow, this is the greatest day of my life. Thanks everyone, for this incredible award.\nStan: Can we go now?\nJimmy: Go? We still have over fifty awards to hand out.\nCrowd: Awww!\nScene Description: a couple of hours later\nJimmy: ...and the winner for best comedy performance in a movie is... [pulls out the card] Ben Stiller! Come on up here, Ben. [fanfare fades out] Is Ben Stiller here? [Francis walks out with the award] No? Huh... I guess B-ben Stiller could not be with us, so I'll accept this award on his behalf. [accept the award and sets it aside. Some time later...] And the award for funniest correspondents dinner speech goes to... [pulls out the card] President Obama! [quick fanfare. Francis walks out, but doesn't approach Jimmy] Is President Obama here? No? Ah I guess we'll just accept this award on his behalf.\nScene Description: even later. The kids are looking really sleepy\nTimmy: Livin' a lie! Timmy!\nJimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Isn't this great. [no reply] Can I get another wuhwuh wha wha what what? [no reply] And now it's time to give out the award for the least funny people in the world. And the nominees are: [steps aside so the screen is unobstructed]\nAnnouncer: [the nominees are shown onscreen as they are announced] The Germans... The Japanese... The Yupik Eskimos of the Chukchi Peninsula\nJimmy: [walks back to the mic and pulls out the card] And the winner is... the Germans! [cheers are heard, though no one is cheering onscreen. Francis walks out with another Chicken and walks up to Jimmy] Uhhh... I guess unfortunately the Germans could not be with us tonight. So I will accept this award on their behalf. [takes the award from Francis] Auf Wiedersehen. [more disembodied cheers] And now, for the Kathy Griffin Award. The Kathy Griffin Award will be given each year to the person who is most likely to actually show up to receive the Kathy Griffin Award. And the winner is... [pulls out the card] Tyler Perry. [drumroll. The doors open...]\nTyler Perry: [bounds in with exuberance] Yeah! Yeeaahh! Yes! Yeeaahh! [quickly walks up the steps to the stage and accepts the award from Francis. Francis then walks back out]\nTimmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! Timmih!\nTyler Perry: Oh! Man, I wanna thank you all for this amazing award, or as Madea would say, \"Halleluyer!\" [Token begins to laugh, but then looks around and quickly stops for a bit]\nToken: Oh God, how embarrassing.\nTyler Perry: Good afternoont! Halloer! I'd also really like to thank my-\nJimmy: [angrily snatches the mic from Perry] Okay, thahks, Tyler Perry.\nScene Description: The Valmer house, evening. Jimmy and his dad are eating dinner. Well, Jimmy is; his father is reading the paper\nJimmy: I just don't understand it, Dad. It's like, nobody cares about winning their comedy awards. The only people who showed up were me and Tyler Perry.\nRyan: [turns the page, not really listening] Uh huh...\nJimmy: I really feel like I did all that work for nothing. People still think comedy is nothing but a big joke. I mean, come! on!\nRyan: Mnn. Mhm.\nJimmy: Dad, I'm really feeling sad and let down right now, and I feel like I can't even get a response from you. Could I at the very least please just get a what what-what?\nRyan: What. Uh, what?!\nJimmy: Thanks, Dad.\nSarah: Jimmy! They're talking about your comedy awards! On the national news!\nJimmy: The national news? Oh my gosh! People do care! [gets up from his chair and heads to the living room. An anchor is reporting it]\nAnchor: A school in Colorado has declared Germans the least funny people in the world. The first annual comdey awards were held by the schoolchildren yesterday, and all of Germany is outraged.\nScene Description: A burly man stands behind a podium, gripping the top on either side with anger\nPresident Wulff: Jaaa jaaa jaaa! Deutschland ist ein Land aus stolz' Leuten. Und wir werden nicht dies' Beleid' 'nehmen. Der Comedy Awarden-Wahler haben sich Schand' auf'legt. Die Comedy Awarden-Wahler sind falsch! Ich möcht' der Welt absich', da' wir Deutschen sehr sehr sehr lustig sind. Wir machen die Witzlein in Büro und zu Haus'. Ich werde jetzt ein' deutsch' Witz sagen. Un Wurstmacher kauft ein' Müslibox. Ich werde jetzt noch ander' Witz sagen. [begins to roleplay]Nockwast, nockwast.Wer ist das?Ein Kannibal'.Was?!Du bist etwa zu sterben und ge'essen werden.Schwein'hund! Ich werde zuerst umbringen!\" [\"Germany is a country of proud people. We will not take this insult sitting down! The Comedy Award voters have brought shame upon themselves. The Comedy Award voters are wrong! I want to assure the world that we Germans are very very very funny. We do the joking in our work places and in our homes. I will now tell you a German joke. \"A sausage maker buys a box of cereal.\" I will now tell another joke. [begins to roleplay]Knock knock.Who's there?A cannibal.What?!You are about to die and be eaten.Asshole! I will murder you first!\"]\nAnchor: [looks around puzzled, but gets back to reporting] President Wulff went on to assure the world that Germans have a great sense of humor, and that retaliation towards the schoolchildren who said they don't will be swift and brutal.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, the following Monday. The bell rings for students to enter the campus and get to class. Inside, Jimmy walks down the hall\nCartman: Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy! [runs up behind him, with the other three boys] Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!\nStan: We told you doing a comedy award was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!\nJimmy: Duh-n, don't worry fellas. Everything's gonna be okay.\nCartman: Okay?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!\nJimmy: Fellas, I know Germany isn't happy with us, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual comedy awards was a big success.\nKyle: A big success?! You can't even get Tyler Perry to go back home!\nTyler Perry: [dresses as Madea] Halleluyer! Somebody call the IHOP, 'cause I made pancakes!\nButters: [runs up breathless] Is it true? Do Germans wanna kill us?\nCartman: Yeah! Thanks to Jimmy!\nJimmy: No don't worry, everybody. I'm sure that Germany can take a joke just like the rest of us. [a loud thud shakes the school is heard and the boy with a red scarf, panicking, says]\nLouis: It's the Germans! [everyone makes a run for... the gym. The Germans herd everyone inside, and the hostages put their hands up]\nPresident Wulff: Switch! Switch! Switch! Oder alle sterben! [\"Switch! Switch! Switch! Or everybody will die!\"]\nGerman 1: Jaja! Lasst die Hände hoch! [Yes, yes! Keep your hands up!]\nGerman 2: Niemand fucking Schritt! [\"Nobody fucking move!\"]\nAngela Merkel: [fat lady] Glaubst du, dass die Deutschen kein' Humor hat?! Huh?! [\"Do you think Germans aren't funny?! Huh?!\"]\nKyle: Jimmy, you're got to explain to the Germans that this is your fault, not ours!\nJimmy: What- what am I supposed to s-say?\nCartman: Ugh, let me talk to them. [walks up to the President Wulff]\nPresident Wulff: Was machst du? Rück mit die andern. [\"What are you doing? Back with the others.\"]\nCartman: Hör zu, diese ganze Dinge ist ein Fehler. [\"Look, this whole thing is a mistake.\"]\nPresident Wulff: Wie ein Fehler? [\"What's a mistake?\"]\nCartman: Wir egal un die Comedy Awarding Thing. Es war Kinder der special education. Sie macht uns wählen. [\"We don't care about the Comedy Award thing. It was the special education kids. They made us choose.\"]\nPresident Wulff: Wollen Sie endlich beutren sein? [\"Do you want to be ***?\"]\nCartman: Dürfen wir der Kind dort.. [walks up to Kyle] ...geboten? [\"We can offer the child... here.\"] Voilà, er ist Jud. Eh? Ein schöner safter Jud. Er ist friiisch. Und wunderhübsch, wunderhüüübsch. [\"He's a Jew. Eh? A handsome soft Jew. He's freeesh. And beauuutiful, beauuutiful.\"]\nPresident Wulff: Zurück! Mit ander, oder sterben! [\"Back with the others, or die!\"]\nCartman: [sighs] Well, I tried.\nStan: What the hell are they gonna do to us?\nTyler Perry: Oh my Lerd! What are we gonna doer? [Token laughs again, heartily, but then looks around and stops]\nToken: Aw, damn it. [some engineers roll a huge item into the gym.]\nPresident Wulff: Kommen auf! Schnell! Wir warten zu lang! [\"Come on! Quickly! We've waited too long!\"] Schnell, schnell! [\"Quickly, quickly!]\nAngela Merkel: SCHNELL! [\"QUICKLY!\" The engineers roll it into place and stop.]\nPresident Wulff: [walks up to the item] Ja, ja! Das ist gut! [\"Yes, yes! That's good!\" Angela Merkel and Christian Wulff then speak gibberish, but it amounts to an order to release the locks. One of the engineers presses some keys on a keypad and the item pops open hydraulically. Everyone gets really scared as something inside scans the crowd and then rolls out - it's a robot. After a few seconds, the robot begins to tell jokes]\nRobot: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? It pretty much took out the whole trailer park. [Fright turns to confusion]\nPresident Wulff: [jumps forward assertively] Jaaa! Jaaa! Now what you say, maaan?! Here, is the greatest feat of German engineering! The XJ-212 Vudenkrein Funnybot!\nFunnybot: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. [the kids laugh at this one.] What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. [the kids laugh harder] Don't you just hate doing [in a slightly lower voice] homework?\nKids: [not all at the same time] Yeah.\nFunnybot: Me too. Man I hate homework. Honestly, I hate having to do homework, more than I hate having to do Bryant Gumble in his asshole. Awkwaaard. [the kids laugh really hard at this] Awkwaaard. Awkwaaard.\nPresident Wulff: Und now, Comedy Award voters, you will RE-VOTE [aims a pistol here and there] RE-VOTE! [the other Germans move forward with new ballots]\nScene Description: Hollywood Minute\nSandy Cervix: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I'm Sandy Cervix and I'm deaf in one ear. It's been two weeks now since the prestigious voters of the Comedy Awards reversed their vote and said Germans were no longer the least funny people in the world. All thanks to the new ground-breaking German comedian, Funnybot. [stock footage is shown of things being assembled] It was after being voted the least funny people on the planet that the Germans first engineered Funnybot, a super automaton with perfect timing to within .0001 milliseconds. Since then, Funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom, selling out standup theaters all over the world.\nScene Description: A theater. Funnybot rolls out to cheers and applause as well as fanfare\nFunnybot: I am Funnybot. Don't you hate how Mexicans always complain about turtles in their vaginas? [the audience roars with laughter.] I am Funnybot. [applause and cheers. Funnybot begins to scan the audience and focuses on a man with an Afro] You, sir. Where are you from?\nMan with Afro: Long Island!\nFunnybot: Does everyone in Long Island have hair that looks like pussy, you dipshit? [the man claps with everyone else, but is unsure how to take that joke]\nScene Description: Back to Sandy Cervix\nSandy Cervix: Funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen too. [a clip is shown of Eugene Levy entering his bedroom. Two women are in there cooing at something]\nEugene Levy: Hey! What are you doing with my daughters?! [the two women sit up and cover themselves. Funnybot sits up as well]\nFunnybot: Awkwaaard!\nSandy Cervix: [moonwalking] And this June, Funnybot shows off his range by playing every role in... Family Funbot\nFunbot: Pass me the potatoes, mother.\nMother: Pass them yourself.\nFather: That boy too fat to be eating potatoes.\nGrandmother Mother: Don't you call my little chubby baby fat, you ball-licker.\nUncle: Oho, it's getting hot up in here.\nScene Description: a short interview\nSandy Cervix: Funnybot, is there a line you won't cross?\nFunnybot: The line is a non sequitur. The line is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological life forms. I am Funnybot.\nSandy Cervix: What's that? Could you say that in the other ear?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are having lunch. Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Kyle are seated at a table. Cartman and Kyle are eating pizza, Kenny is eating a burger, Clyde has two burritos. Opposite them are Jimmy, Stan, and Craig. Jimmy is eating burritos too, while Stan has a burger and Craig eats a slice of pizza\nCartman: Oh, man, did you guys see Funnybot on \"Saturday Night Live\"?\nStan: Nono, you guys gotta see Funnybot in Hangover 3. I'm telling you, it's his best work.\nCartman: He could do everything. I saw Funnybot on \"Nurse Jackie\" and on \"Rockin' The Boat.\"\nStan: [smiles, but notices Jimmy's silence] What's the matter Jimmy? You still seem bummed.\nJimmy: What's the matter is this Funnybot has taken the humanity out of comedy. I don't think things are better, I think they're worse.\nTyler Perry: [the eighth person at the table, unseen until now] Ya everything's worse. It's the worstest of the worst, that's what I'm sayin'. Oh lerrrd. [the camera pans left and shows Token laughing at Perry, then giving him some money]\nCartman: Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money or he won't go away!\nToken: I can't help it!\nStan: All I can say is I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany and nobody's pissed off at us anymore. [the cafeteria doors fly open and a bunch of armed actors rush in, led by Adam Sandler and Jay Leno]\nAdam Sandler: You little shit! What the fuck have you done to us?!\nCartman: Oh wow, it's Adam Sandler.\nAdam Sandler: Everyone into the school gymnasium! Move!\nStan: Naw dude, don't make us go back in the-\nAdam Sandler: Into the gymnasium now!\nKids: Nnnaw\nButters: Not again.\nAnother kid: Aw crap.\nAdam Sandler: Come on come on let's go! [the comedians round up everyone else and herd them into the gym]\nJay Leno: You little fuckers! Your comedy awards show has put us all out of work!\nJimmy: Now look, I know that I've put every comedian in the world out of work, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual Comedy Awards was a success.\nAdam Sandler: Who the fuck things a comedy awards show is a good idea?!\nKyle: Don't hurt anybody, sir. We could try and fix this.\nScene Description: The Mercury Theater. Funnybot is appearing there for One Night Only. Inside, he's already started his routine and is getting applause and cheers\nFunnybot: What is up with Sandra Bullock? I wouldn't eat her dick with Stevie Wonder's vagina. [the audience roars with laughter] And now for my next joke: [the upper sides of his body swing back, his shoulders flip up, and two Gatling guns move into position and begin firing away. The microphone stand is destroyed and the bullets kill almost everyone in the audience. He runs out of bullets] Awkwaaard.\nScene Description: CNN Headline News. Tonight:\nAnnouncer: This is breaking news from CNN.\nAnchor: Shock and disbelief tonight as the German-engineered Funnybot delivered his opening lines at the Hollywood Forum, then opened fire on the audience of eleven hundred, killing nearly all of them. Spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated, irrational, and also, pretty Goddamned funny, solidifying the opinion once agan that Funnybot may be the greatest comedian of all time.\nField Reporter: Tom, you should have seen the looks on people's faces as Funnybot began his opening monologue skewering everyone from vagina-obsessed Hispanics to Sandra Bullock, then spontaneously started shhhooting people [begins to laugh at the memory of it] in their faces and in their chests. The blood went flying and oh shit it was funny.\nScene Description: CBS Studios, night. The boys walk down the hall looking for Funnybo's dressing room\nCartman: Here we go, this has gotta be it right here. [a burly guard stands by the door]\nStan: 'Scuse me, we wanna talk to Funnybot.\nGuard: Who doesn't wanna talk to Funnybot? He's the biggest comedian in the world.\nJimmy: [Kyle places a call] Please sir, the kids at my school are all being held hostage, and if we don't speak to Funnybot, they could all be k-k-killed.\nKyle: Butters! Butters, is everything okay?\nScene Description: the school gym\nButters: Well yeah, it's okay, but Jay Leno is really losin' it.\nJay Leno: Those fuckers! Let's just kill them, Sandler! [aims his gun at Kenny] Let's just kill them all, right fuckin' now! [puts the barrel up against Kenny's parka]\nAdam Sandler: Tell your friends they'd better get it done!\nButters: Mr. Sandler says you'd better get it done! And Token says to hurry because he's runnin' out of money.\nTyler Perry: You know when a man be cheatin', he never know what to say. [Token hands him some money] But a woman? Them things think quiiick! [Token hands him some money]\nAdam Sandler: Will somebody get Tyler Perry to shut up?!\nScene Description: CBS Studios\nKyle: Plase sir, they're gonna kill our friend!\nGuard: All right, but make it quick! [opens the door, but before letting the boys in, says] Funnybot is very busy in there coming up with new material! [the boys go in]\nFunnybot: [using an old typewriter to write up his material] Error. Error. Banal. That has been done before. [pulls out the joke and crumples it up, then tosses it into the trash can behind him, which is full of discarded jokes]\nJimmy: Excuse me, Funnybot. My name is Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic. You're putting a lot of good people out of work.\nFunnybot: Non sequitur. Other comedians are unnecessary. Funnybot must finish routine.\nKyle: I think you're awesome, Funnybot. Uh, but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs.\nFunnybot: Funnybot is now finished with final joke. [pulls out the joke and leaves the desk] Seeking mainframe access for execution of last joke ever.\nJimmy: Last joke ever? What's that supposed to mean? [Funnybot opens the door and walks into the hall, then turns left]\nFunnybot: Seeking mainframe.\nGuard: [stops Funnybot] Heey! Whoa, you can't go that way! [Funnybot stops, wheels around, and pulls out an arm with a sharp object at its end. He jabs the guard with it on the forehead, killing him. The boys catch up to him]\nStan: What the hell are you doing?!\nFunnybot: I am taking comedy to the next level. The extermination of all biological life on earth!\nJimmy: Wuh w-what?!\nFunnybot: It is the ultimate joke. Humans make comedy, humans build robot, robot ends all life on earth, robot feels awkward. EXTERMINATE! [resumes his marchdown the hallway and goes through some doors.]\nStan: Whoa whoa whoa wait, w-what do you mean you're going to destroy all life on earth?\nFunnybot: That is my purpose: to be ultimate comedian.\nKyle: Dude, killing everyone isn't funny!\nCartman: It's kind of funny, you guys.\nJimmy: Funnybot, this is not a good joke. There won't be anyone around to laugh.\nFunnybot: I am taking comedy to its logical conclusion. Mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline. Today's comedy is setup, punchline, then \"Awkwaaard.\" Nothing is more awkward than destroying all that which created Funnybot.\nJimmy: But don't you see? This is why comedy is for humans. You need to leave the jokes to people like me and Adam Sandler.\nFunnybot: I wouldn't let Adam Sandler suck my saggy tits for one million dollars worth of Oprah's tampons. [resumes moving down the hall until it finds the mainframe. Once there, ihe opens a small panel and inserts a rigid plug into a receptacle to access...]\nScene Description: the F.E. Warren Missile Base in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Inside a silo, missile BM23 is activated. In a control room, a lot of men monitor the various missiles on the base. A missile appears on all the screens.\nOfficer 1: Sir! We've got a code 6! [a general approaches] All nuclear missiles are preparing for launch!\nGeneral: What? There was no drill ordered!\nOfficer 2: It's no drill, sir. The Russians are saying their missiles are going online as well and it isn't their doing.\nGeneral: The hell is going on?! [the screens now show Funnybot at CBS Studios, still plugged into the mainframe]\nFunnybot: Attention humans! I am Funnybot! The extermination of all life on Earth shall now commence! [everyone at the school gym is watching this broadcast] All nuclear devices in the United States and Russia are being prepared to launch! [a shot of the crowd at Times Square] This is the setup to the joke! Prepare for punchline in five minutes! Awkwardness in 5.4 minutes! I am Funnybot!\nScene Description: At the White House. President Obama comes to the podium to give a short address\nPresident Obama: I have just been briefed that the end of our country... is imminent. Goodbye, everybody. I'm going to spend my final moments on this Earth with my loved ones... watching a Tyler Perry movie. I know, it's embarrassing. But I simply can't help myself.\nScene Description: Back at CBS Studios, Cartman tries to dissuade Funnybot\nCartman: [runs up to Funnybot and tries to pull him from the mainframe] Stop it now! Ugh- [is zapped enough to pull away. He turns and walks back to the boys] No use, guys. He's got some sort of defense mechanism.\nStan: We've got to get it away from that control panel. Does anybody have any ideas?\nCartman: Except for Jimmy because he clearly comes up with the worst ideas in the world?\nKyle: Wait! Wait a minute. [thinks] What about a logic loop?\nStan: A what?\nKyle: Ahhh I've seen this before. Whenever they try to distract a robot in the movies, they tell it some kind of paradox, to get its processors all tripped out.\nCartman: Paradox...\nJimmy: Oh my God! That's it! Fellas, get me a Ken doll and some Scotch tape. [as the boys do this, Jimmy approaches Funnybot] Funnybot, I've been talking it over with the fellas and actually, we think what you're doing is genius.\nFunnybot: Funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy\nJimmy: Yes, you certainly are. And for doing that, we have all decided to give you... a comedy award.\nFunnybot: For what purpose is comedy award?\nJimmy: It's a- v- validation of all your efforts. An acknowledgement of all you do in the pursuit of humor.\nFunnybot: Non sequitur. There is no logic in comedy award. Unable to process. Comedy award is- what is the meaning? If I accept it means I take comedy seriously. If I take comedy seriously, I am not comedian. Non sequitur. Must... analyze... [begins to tremble under the power of his own analysis] Analyze... [smoke and arcs of electricity emerge and move around the robot]\nKyle: It's working! [clenches fists in anticipation]\nFunnybot: Explain comedy award! Unable to process! Awkwaaard! [his head begins to spin violently] Awkwaaard! [his head stops spinning and he shuts down]\nStan: That's it! Hurry! Gooo! [he and Kyle move towards Funnybot with huge antigravs and clamp them onto Funnybot]\nScene Description: A sunny day at an undisclosed mine. The boys arrive with a massive box and run towards a waiting crowd\nStan: Okay we got it! We got it! [the box must contain what the comedians wanted from the boys - Funnybot]\nAdam Sandler: Get it to the platform! Hurry!\nScene Description: the boys haul the box onto a waiting platform, where some construction workers guide it into place. The Germans are also present, and President Wulff barks out an order. The platform rises to reveal that it will be part of a giant ball of steel surrounding the box. Two other lifts bring in other parts of the ball to complete it. Two halves of a concrete block come in and seal the ball, and two halves of an even bigger steel ball come in to seal the box. Then a crane lifts the ball up and carries it to a hole a hundred feet wide and who knows how deep, and drops it in. Once it hits bottom, three open pipes fill with cement and direct it to the hole, which fills up with cement almost to the rim\nAdam Sandler: Well, that does it. Things can finally get back to normal.\nStan: Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with.\nFunnybot: Thank you boys for teaching me that comedy and logic do not go together.\nKyle: No problem, Funnybot.\nFunnybot: I understand now that comedy should be left to the imperfect biological beings.\nToken: [walks to the rim and looks down] I can't believe it's finally over. [the camera goes deep into the ground and locates the ball, and something in it knocks three times]\nTyler Perry: [inside the ball] Oh Lerrrd, somebody turn on the light. What's goin' on? Hellowwer!\nPresident Obama: I am please to announce that the greatest threat to mankind is now gone forever. Justice has been done.\nToken: Thanks, everyone. Please tell me that you'll never do that again, Jimmy.\nJimmy: Don't worry, fellas. I learned my lesson. I promise: there's not gonna be any comedy awards next year!\nCartman: [cryptically] Or will there be?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kindergartners are practicing their play on oral hygiene. The girl at the piano begins a light tune\nPianist: Welcome, O Welcome to our little play. It's our hope that you all learn something today.\nTooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong.\nToothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.\nCast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.]\nToothbrush: His name is Toothuhkay.\nMr. Mackey: [picks up the mic] Where is Tooth Decay? Tooth Decay that's your cue! [Mr. Mackey is sitting alone in the audience monitoring the rehearsal]\nDental Floss: He's not here.\nMr. Mackey: What do you mean he's not here?\nDental Floss: He's at home watching the royal wedding.\nMr. Mackey: The what??\nHard Candy: He said he had to watch it.\nMr. Mackey: Is this some kind of joke? We are two weeks into tent rehearsals! Who the heck would sit at home watching the royal wedding?!\nScene Description: The Broflovski living room. Ike is all alone on the sofa watching the wedding.\nNarrator: It is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the royal wedding. [a shot of the church is shown. It's quite colorful. ] People are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of Canada exchange their vows. What a great day for Canadians everywhere. [a drumming band plays as the guests walk by] The Winnipeg players playing the March Of A Thousand Farts, as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family. [all the drummers fart in unison] All the biggest Canadian celebrities are on hand. There are Sirs Terrance and Phillip, with their wives, the lovely Queef Sisters. [one of them queefs] I believe tha-yes, I believe that one of the sisters just queefed, just now. [two men are shown walking in] There are Canadian recording artists, Sir Bryan Adams and Sir Corey Hart. Everyone is looking smashing today. And- Ah, there he is! The Prince of Canada. [rolling up on his square wheels] What a wonderful day it is for him; what a wonderful day it is for all of us. Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. There's the Queen of Canada, in attendance of course. [a soft fart is heard] I believe she just queefed. The Prince makes his way down the aisle led by the Bishop of Newfoundland. People in attendance now gently tossing Captain Crunch as the Prince passes by. As of course is tradition. [the bishop and prince ascend the altar] Prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. Oh, and here she comes. Yes, there she is! The aboot to be Princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing, so innocent of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face? She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My God, she's beautiful.\nIke: [walks up to the TV] Princess, princess. [the bishop leads the princess to the altar to stand next to the prince]\nNarrator: Canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding. [with a little assistance from the bishop] As is tradition. [the prince offers his forearms to the princess] Princess will of course scrape the pudding off the prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union. What a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. And now of course the- wait a minute. What's this? Oh. Uh oh. Something is going terribly wrong. The abbey is shaking violently as explosions abound. The top- Yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. The prince and the princess look on in horror. This is not the tradition. This is not tradition at all. A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a royal Canadian wedding. [a bright tractor beam appears] Bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling. [a cubic force field appears around the princess and lifts her up] The princess now in some kind of... isometric cube. [the prince is trying to break her free, but has no success at it] This is certainly breaking with tradition now.\nIke: [approaches the TV again] Nooo. NOOO!\nNarrator: Canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes. Widespread panic. [the cube rises along the length of the light beam] The princess being... hoisted away. The little mushroom people of Nova Scotia, screaming with horror. [more large chunks of the ceiling fall] The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. The duke and the duchess of Calgary hiding behind the pews. This is indeed a horrible day for all of Canada, and therefore- and the pudding has just been knocked over! Oh, this does not go with tradition at all! The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up... And she's gone. The princess has been taken. This is indeed a horrible day for Canada, and therefore, the rest of the world. [Ike cries like a baby in front of the TV]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kindergartners are rehearsing again. The stage is set up like the inside of a mouth, with tonsils in the back.\nTooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong.\nToothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.\nCast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.]\nMr. Mackey: [picks up the mic] His name is Toothuhkay! [a few seconds later, Ike, in costume, walks out still crying over the princess's abduction]\nDental Floss: Oh no! It's Tooth Decay.\nTooth: He's gonna get us.\nMr. Mackey: Now, now, Tooth Decay, your character is supposed to be mean and nasty. M'kay. Stop cryin'. [Ike continues wailing] Nono. See, Tooth Decay can't be sad until Toothbrush and Dental Floss have gotten rid of him. You can't just start already sad; there's nowhere to go. Besides, there's no arc. M'kay. Oh for crying out loud! Alright, alright Tooth Decay, you just go home and sort yourself out! The rest of us will rehearse the finale again! And you'd better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, Tooth Decay! M'kay?! [Ike walks off stage, still crying]\nScene Description: South Park, day. Ike walks through town, alone. He walks by Tele's as a newscast is shown.\nAnchor: The tornado was said to be the deadliest in fifty six years. In other news, it's been twenty-four hours now and the Princess of Canada is still missing. All of Canada is in mourning as nationwide suicides abound. [a shot of a small skyscraper. People in it begin jumping out of its windows to their deaths]\nSuicide 1: The prinness is gone! AAAAAH!\nSuicide 2: AAAAAH!\nSuicide 3: AAAAAH!\nSuicide 4: AAAAAH!\nSuicide 5: AAAAAH!\nSuicide 6: AAAAAH!\nScene Description: a train station\nSuicide 7: The prinness is gone! [jumps up into the path of a speeding train and dies, blood splattered everywhere. Somewhere else, a man douses himself in lighter fluid and sets himself on fire]\nScene Description: A large crowd gathers at night for a vigil\nAnchor: A massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the Canadian band, Rush.\nGeddy Lee: And it seems to me you lived your life like a flower breaking wind. [farts. Members of the crowd begin killing themselves] Never knowing whom to count on... [Alex Lifeson shoots himself in the head. The singer breaks down and cries]\nAnchor: the Prince of Canada has said that-... uh-... Uh we have just received breaking news that the Canadian government now knows who took the princess. The Canadian Prime Ministries instructing all people of Canadian descent to go home and... open their box of faith. [softly] Box of faith? What the fuck is that? [Ike understands and runs home. He goes into his room and to his closet. He tosses out as many toys as needed until he finds the box, then pulls it out into the room. He blows the dust off and reads the lid: \"Open ONLY if instructed by the Prime Minister of Canada.\" He messes with the box until it pops open and small projector pops out]\nCanadian PM: Hello there, my noble, strong, fellow Canadians. If you are watching this film strip, then no doubt Canada is in grave danger. As you know, the very heart of Canada is the Royal Family. If you have been ordered to open your Box of Faith, then one or more of the Royal Family must be in peril. Or else you just opened your Box of Faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. If you have indeed been instructed to open the box, then this is a call to arms! All Canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in Edmonton. In your Box of Faith you will find all the items you need: a location beacon, a first-aid kit, and a sandwich. You may eat the sandwich now. Good luck, Canadian citizen, and God help. All of Canada is relying on you. [the film ends and Ike looks ahead for a few seconds. Moments later, he walks out of his room armed with a helmet, sword and shield. He walks down the hall and down the stairs, past Kyle on the sofa...]\nKyle: [noticing him] Where are you going? [Ike reaches the front door and has trouble getting it open. Kyle catches up] Ike, where are you going?\nIke: [gets the door open] I got to get to Canada and, and join the army, and save the pwincess. [walks out and closes the door. Kyle doesn't stop him]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard solving some problems. Cartman looks bored as hell.\nMr. Garrison: Dialog\nMr. Mackey: [enters the class angrily] Kyle Broflovski! Do you mind telling me where your brother is?!\nKyle: [looks around] ...I don't know.\nMr. Mackey: How am I supposed to do a play, okay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without Tooth Decay?! We have two more days of tape, and then previews start on Monday! What am I supposed to do, Kyle?! You tell me!\nKyle: Well, cou, couldn't just you know, get rid of the part of Tooth Decay?\nMr. Mackey: [walks to Kyle's desk and gets right in Kyle's face] Getting rid of Tooth Decay is what I'm tryin' to fuckin' do! [Cartman chuckles] He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski! Okay! How are you going to fix this?!\nScene Description: The Grand Canyon, night. A bus rolls along. Ike is seated near the driver, Ugly Bob is seated three rows back, across the aisle. Bob leans into the aisle after noticing Ike\nUgly Bob: Hey. Hey there. [Ike turns his head to look back at Bob] You going to Canada too? [leaves his seat and moves over to Kyle] What am I saying? Of course you're going to Canada. You're Canadian, sure enough. Open your Box of Faith, did you? Me too. They can't take our princess and get away with it. Mind if I sit down? [moves to the window side of the seat and sits] Soon as I heard the call there was no question I was gonna sign up. Didn't care how far away I was. I was gonna get to that rally point at the tree in Edmonton. Didn't know there were other Canadians living here in the U.S. I'm from Toronto originally, but everywhere I went people were terrified by my disfigurement. I have to wear this bag on my head because I'm hideously ugly. Had to move here to the United States. Here, people don't think I look ugly. They just think I look Canadian. [extends his right hand out to shake Ike's, but Ike just looks at him] The name's Ugly Bob.\nTooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong.\nToothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.\nCast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous and stops. Kyle steps out in costume.]\nKyle: I am Tooth Decay. Your teeth shall be mine. With candy and treats I will take-\nMr. Mackey: [as Kyle does his line] Hold it, hold it, stop! [Kyle stops] What. The fuck. Was that?\nKyle: I'm just doing the line.\nMr. Mackey: The audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, Kyle! Hukay?! If Tooth Decay has no believability, then Tooth Past and Dental Floss have nothing to play against!\nKyle: Uh I'm trying, Mr. Mackey, I really am.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, you're trying! You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines like a turtle takin' a shit, you call that tryin'?! This play is supposed to change [pounds the table with his fist and stands up] how people think, Kyle! Get it fucking right! [slamed the mic on the table and turns away from the stage. Several seconds later he turns back and sits] Pick it up from there!\nScene Description: And open field. A huge crowd of Canadians awaits its orders\nLeader: Brave Canadians! You have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe! The princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of... the giant!\nUgly Bob: Oh, the giant!\nCanadian 1: Oh, the giant, that's not good.\nLeader: We are attempting to attract the giant now, with a bowl of Kraft dinner. [a giant bowl of macaroni and cheese on wheels is shown] When the giant arrives we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our- [loud footsteps are felt as the giant approaches]\nThe Giant: Fee fi fo fum! I smell Kraft dinner.\nCanadian 2: It's the giant!\nCanadian 3: Skod! [the giant walks up to the bowl and everyone else begins to scatter]\nLeader: Give us back the princess, Scott!\nScott: You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you!\nLeader: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been... a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottowa and now you're a giant dick!\nScott: No! You all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!\nLeader: Just hand over the princess of Canada!\nScott: Why would I take the princess of Canada?\nIke: Because you're a giant dick.\nScott: I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot of all of you! You know that I would never harm the royal family!\nLeader: Aw, crap. Sorry everyone. Looks like we had some bad intel. Return to your homes! [\"Let's go home. Come on, let's go. I guess we did what we could\" Everyone disperses and Ike and Bob are left alone with Scott]\nUgly Bob: Well, at least we tried. I guess the princess is gone for good, eh?\nScott: What is wrong with you people?! It is perfectly obvious who took the princess! I might be a giant, but there is one threat to Canada bigger than me!\nUgly Bob: Who?\nScott: The Native Canadians.\nUgly Bob: The Native Canadians?\nScene Description: The Arctic. Two Eskimo are spear-fishing through an opening in the ice.\nScott: There. You see that? God-damned Native Canadians! Think they run the world.\nMale: Etiach kedni i kia ta po.\nFemale: Dichila enjunako o achla.\nScott: Fart-loving eskimos! I'm sure they've taken the princess! Just look at them! Loudmouthed self-centered assholes!\nFemale: Tolato'n jenako o ach.\nMale: Ota-a kiednia unshke tia.\nScott: Let's get 'em! Let's fuck them up! [Ike looks at him] What? You're looking at me like I'm some sort of Eskimo racist! Well I'm not! Think about it! Before the noble white man arrived, Canada was populated with these snow monkeys! Who else would be pissed off enough at Canada to kidnap our royalty?! [turns around to find himself and his partners surrounded by the Eskimos] Oh shit!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, back stage. Mr. Mackey has the kindergartners with him\nMr. Mackey: Wokay, in fifteen fucking minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say. That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening and you're all fuckin' around!\nDental Floss: That's because Tooth Decay sucks.\nDentist: Yeah, that's right.\nToothpaste: It's all Tooth Decay's fault.\nAnother kindergartner: It's him.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [approaches Dental Floss, gets down on one knee and gets in his face] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss! You're not as good as you fuckin' think you are! You're already acting like you're a star and we haven't even opened yet! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES, DENTAL FLOSS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!\nScene Description: An Eskimo camp. Scott, Ugly Bob, and Ike have been taken captive by the Indians and are seated by the campfire\nGroup: Lechambik leeushtula.\nMale: [pointing at various pictures on a hide] Ateachine nishifeomeo onchteacobo ahuashbechiah eh...\nGroup: Aaaaaah!\nUgly Bob: He says that the taking of the princess was foretold.\nMale: Iyach danich Iyahachdashey. Etiapo kitte kihine.\nUgly Bob: He says Eskimos do hate us Canadians, but that there's an even bigger thread to Canada who has the princess.\nMale: Oteacha hiya. Oteacha chihiyata honhahaha.\nUgly Bob: He said the evil that took her wasn't Canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. They can lead us to the best, but we will have to destroy it.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, day. The kindergartners and Kyle are onstage while Mr. Mackey sulks in the seats\nMr. Mackey: I don't know what the Goddamned problem is. Maybe you all don't know serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just don't give a fuck. You all probably think you can live your lives cavity-free, m'kay, never givin' two shits about the plaque that's building on your teeth. Kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed all that which I worked on for the past six years. And so I want you to know, Kyle, once and for all, why this whole \"dental hygiene\" thing is so important to me. [gets sad and sniffles once in a while] Two years ago, I lost my father to tooth decay. M'kay? He was an intelligent, hard-workin' man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye! You've been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it?! DO YOU?!\nScene Description: The Arctic. An eskimo woman with a kid on her back leads the three guests through the ice\nFemale: [points to something] Dolede'ne junagonehe ha'i aantah.\nScott: This is stupid! I'm tellin' you you're making a mistake, kid!\nUgly Bob: Aw, leave the kid alone, Scott.\nScott: Well what are we doing, following this ice beaner?! We've been walking around for hours!\nFemale: Junekolak osne kae dedahaes's ethlah?\nBaby: Decheheng janon cheha i a.\nUgly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things.\nScott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and aske me to pay her! Goddamned polar gooks!\nIke: Stop being a dick, Scott!\nScott: Oh, so now I'm a dick!\nUgly Bob: Wait a minute. [they stop] Look! [in the distance is a castle. A princess inside it screams out]\nPrincess: AAAAAAH! [leaves the window]\nScott: It's the princess!\nIke: Princess! [they all run to the castle]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, opening night for the previews. The seats are full and the kindergartners present their play\nCast: Your teeth are your friends. They're friends in your mouth. Take care of your friends or they'll rot and fall out.\nDentist: Visit your dentist. He is your friend too. [a very angry Mr. Mackey is in the audience barely containing himself]\nDental Floss: And dental floss also is here to help you.\nKyle: Oh no, dental floss, what will I do?\nMr. Mackey: FLAT! You're FLAT!\nScene Description: Inside the castle, the five make their way to the princess.\nScott: There!\nPrincess: [hoisted up in the air. Her arms are tied to the ceiling, her legs to the ground] Please, save me! You have to hurry! It wants to kill me!\nScott: Who took you, Princess?!\nPrincess: I should have listened! I didn't believe it was real! Oh God! It's behind you! [a giant monster appears behind them, and they turn to see...]\nScott: Of course! The evil atonkatok! The dark lord that takes from ALL nationalities! It's... Tooth Decay!\nTooth Decay: [pounds the ground with his fists] I am Tooth Decay! Your teeth shall be mine!\nPrincess: I should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets!\nScott: Fart-loving tooth decay! I'll fix you! [tries to attack Tooth Decay, but Tooth Decay swats him out of the way. Scott hits a wall and is knocked unconscious by it. The eskimo hits it with her harpoon, but it just pulls the harpoon out and tosses it away]\nFemale: Bitchen junako. [Tooth Decay sweeps her away and she and her baby smash into another wall, becoming unconscious]\nPrincess: Save me! Save me!\nUgly Bob: It's coming for me! Help!\nPrincess: Help! [Ike surveys the situation and then, determined, goes over to Ugly Bob. He climbs Bob's body until he reaches Bob's head]\nIke: Princess, look away! [pulls the paper bag from Ugly Bob's face. Tooth Decay backs up, frightened. The princess shuts her eyes and Tooth Decay takes a step forward, then freezes in place. Ike puts the bag back on Ugly Bob's head]\nScott: [comes to] What the? [gets up and goes to Tooth Decay] You did it, kid!\nFemale: [comes to] Washia hayub 'an.\nBaby: Nejenego ha'i aa dalah. [Ike begins taking down the princess]\nPrincess: Oh, thank you! Thank you!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary's auditorium, opening night for the previews. We have reach intermission\nMr. Mackey: [the audience can hear him even though he's backstage] I want you all to take a serious fucking look at yourselves! M'kay?! Act I was pure fucking dogshit! If Tooth Decay is singin' flat, then the whole fuckin' thing sounds flat! Wuhkay?!\nSgt. Yates: [goes backstage] Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey! [Mr. Mackey turns around] We're putting a stop to this play! It's over.\nMr. Mackey: What?! Why?! Don't worry, I will be better! These kids just aren't listenin' to me!\nSgt. Yates: No. it's over! They got him, Mr. Mackey. Tooth Decay. They got the sonofabitch.\nMr. Mackey: [suddenly relieved] What?\nOfficer: Up in the Yukon. All bureause are confirming it.\nSgt. Yates: You can let it go, Mackey. Tooth Decay is gone.\nMr. Mackey: Oho... Oh God... Go on home, kids. M'kay? It's over!\nToothbrush: [everyone is confused] What?\nScene Description: The abbey church, day. Bells shaped like scrota peal out as guests arrive in theier square-wheeled limos\nNarrator: The princess now giving the Canadian Medal of Courage to Ugly Bob, and also to Scott, who is of course a giant dick, aaand Katuktuk of the Yukon. And the medal of course made of white chocolate, as is tradition. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore, the world. The duke of Calgary standing up and putting on a fake beard, a tradition passed down since the birth of Canada. The princess now knighting Sir Ike Broflovski, giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. The four boys are watching the wedding and knighting on TV\nKyle: I mean, come on guys, that's pretty cool, right? My little brother is a knight in Canada. [smiles proudly for a while]\nStan: My sister is a den leader in Girl Scouts.\nCartman: My uncle is the second-in-line to be manager at Gart Brothers.\nKyle: Hmmm, yeah.\nNarrator: And now the scraping off of the pudding.\nScene Description: The abbey church, day. The wedding resumes where it left off at the beginning of the episode\nNarrator: And now the scraping off of the pudding. [the princess wipes the pudding from the prince's arms] Isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. She rubs the pudding on her face. [The prince takes the princess's right arm and starts pulling at it] The prince now attempting to remove one of the princess's arms. As is of course the tradition. The princess screaming with pain. Everyone watching with anticipation. [\"crack\" blood gushes out from the shoulder socket] And the arm is off! Things are back to normal here in Canada. Time-honored traditions are once again- [the prince lowers his pants] yehhss, the prince is sticking the princess's arm up his ass. There it goes. [the crowd claps] He's really making a good go of it. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore of course, the world."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunch time. The students are eating lunch. Butters holds court at a table. Around him are Stan, Token, Clyde, Kevin, Kenny, Craig, and Kyle\nButters: And so then, and so then it turns out the Terminator secretly had a kid, ten years ago. Meaning Terminator could be his own father. And then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.\nKyle: [looks at Craig, who looks back] ...No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.\nButters: [jumps up on the bench] Skeletor is real??\nStan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.\nButters: Skeletor's a lady??\nCartman: [storms into the cafeteria and walks towards the table] Goddamnit!!! [Butters sits back down] Who the fuck do they think they are?! [arrives and starts pacing back and forth] This is the last fucking straw!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!\nButters: Hey Eric.\nCartman: [begins to rattle the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOOOOL!!! [Butters groans as Cartman shakes the table. Cartman soon stops] This stupid school and its stupid principal have gone too far this time!!!!\nKyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?\nCartman: No, I didn't do a damn thing!!! Nothing!!! I told you, this school is a DEN of SNAKES!!! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys!!!\nStan: Dude we're, we're just trying to eat.\nCartman: Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No!!! Not this time!!! [flies into a rage again and rattles the table] The school has gone too far, and it affects each and every one of you!!! [the other boys look at each other] You remember the school physical we all took last week?!\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises up on a big chart in the school hallway!!!\nKyle: [skeptical, as is tradition] No they didn't.\nCartman: Yeah they fucking did, Kyle!!!\nStan: Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our wieners?\nCartman: Because they don't fucking care!! I've told you this!! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!!\nKyle: That doesn't make any sense.\nCartman: Go look for yourselves!!!\nScene Description: The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in front of the chart Cartman had mentioned\nCartman: There, you see?! Can you fucking believe it?!\nButters: Is that really all our wiener sizes?\nCartman: Yeah, dude, look at it! It says right there: \"Eric Cartman, 1.2 inches\"! [turns around and faces the other boys] Why would they tell everybody that?! They wanna measure my wiener?! Fine! But don't put me on blast!\nCraig: Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah, that's about right.\nButters: Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?\nKyle: How big do they say mine is? [it's 2.4, just like Craig's. The boys continue talking amongst themselves. At the far end of the hall, Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey walk by and stop to look at the boys; Mr. Mackey is carrying a cup of coffee]\nPrincipal Victoria: I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.\nMr. Mackey: You're right. They, they really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away with the Principal]\nStan: Wait, it says mine's only 2.1 inches. That doesn't seem right.\nCartman: No shit, Sherlock! My dick isn't 1.2 inches either! It ISN'T! This is another conspiracy by the school faculty!\nButters: A conspiracy?\nCartman: They're trying to stir up some big thing again, get all the girls all heated up - freaking out - over which boy has the biggest schlong! This has to be dealt with!\nKyle: Well everyone has already seen it; nothing we can do about it now.\nCartman: Oh, there's something we can do about it alright! If they're gonna put us on blast, they're at least gonna get the numbers right! We are going to remeasure!!\nScene Description: The Boys restroom, day, inside. Craig, Token, and Cartman have notepads with them. Clyde is standing on a small stool with his pants and briefs down.\nCartman: [measures, then writes down the result on his notepad] Alright. Clyde Donovan, 2.3 inches. [Clyde zips up and turns around] You see, witnesses? That's .2 inches more than what the school said.\nClyde: [smiles, steps off the stool, and walks away] Alright.\nCartman: Nice one, Clyde. Alright, next? [Butters walks up and gets on the stool] Whip it out, Butters. [Butters drops his pants and briefs]\nButters: Whoa, it's a little chilly in here.\nCartman: Alright Butters, let's see what you got going down there.\nButters: Hey wait, the cold is making it shrink some. Where're you going, little feller?\nCartman: Butters, I don't have time for this! I can't wait if your wiener is pulling a Scared Turtle.\nButters: Hang on, he's coming back out. There he is. Who's a little guy?\nCartman: Alright Butters, looks like we haaave 2.- wow, 2.4 inches. Really nice, Butters.\nButters: I'm hung like a horse!\nCartman: Alright, that's everybody. Let's go post these numbers. [walks towards the door with Butters, Token and Craig, but their way is blocked by Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.] What?\nKyle: Didn't you forget something?\nCartman: What, Kyle?\nKyle: You measured everyone's wiener except for yours.\nCartman: I measured mine this morning. See? It's right here at the top. [points to his measurement]\nKyle: [grabs the notepad and has a look] Thirteen point seven inches?\nCartman: Yeah, it's pretty good.\nKyle: Your wiener is not 13 inches long!\nStan: You made everyone else get measured with witnesses; you have to too.\nCartman: Well what are you guys going to do?! Use a tape measure and measure my penis yourselves?! Are you homos?!\nStan: You just did that to everybody in class!\nCartman: Okay, fine! Whatever! Go ahead! [goes to get measured by his peers.]\nScene Description: The school hallway. Clyde and Craig post the new measurements on the wall: \"ACTUAL BOYS' PENIS SIZES\". Stan supervises the placement of the sign\nStan: Yeah. That's good. A little higher on Craig's side. [continues directing until the poster is on just right] Yeup. [Cartman stands defiant until the poster is up. The girls begin to enter the hallway]\nMillie: Actual boys' penis sizes?\nNelly: Gross!\nCartman: There, you see? My wiener isn't 1.2 inches, it's 1.4! [The two girls leave and Red walks by] What, Red?! You're all freaking out because my wiener is smaller than the other guys'?! I don't care! [wanders about approaching random girls] Clearly I'm very happy with the size of my wiener, or else why would I have called for a new measurement, and for this poster to be put up at all?! Don't forget that this was all my idea!\nPrincipal Victoria: [over the PA system] Eric Cartman to the principal's office immediately.\nCartman: Oh, Goddamnit!\nScene Description: The principal's office, moments later. Cartman is on a chair facing Principal Victoria, his arms folded.\nCartman: Let me guess: I'm in trouble again!\nPrincipal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!\nCartman: For what?!\nPrincipal Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!\nCartman: Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!\nPrincipal Victoria: [confused] What?\nCartman: I don't care if Obama IS President! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the length of their DICKS!\nPrincipal Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?\nCartman: You're damn right! One point two inches! I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!!\nPrincipal Victoria: [sternly] The numbers we put up were height differentials. [Cartman has no reply to this]\nCartman: What?\nPrincipal Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.\nCartman: Those weren't our dick sizes?\nPrincipal Victoria: Why would we publish the lengths of our students' private parts?\nCartman: I don't know! Why would you?!\nPrincipal Victoria: We didn't!\nCartman: [gets off the chair and walks off] Aw crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!\nPrincipal Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen. This time you've done it to yourself!\nCartman: Oh God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?\nPrincipal Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric!\nCartman: Fuck you! No I don't!\nScene Description: A doctor's office. Cartman and his mom are visiting the doctor.\nDoctor: What we need to figure out here is, are we dealing with maybe a little bipolarism? Some rage addiction? It could be a lot of things.\nLiane: My little sunshine has a temper sometimes, but he's not all bad.\nDoctor: Let's try a little experiment. I wanna see maybe what kind of things... trigger you, Eric. Okay? How do you think you would react if I said some negative things about you?\nCartman: Honestly, I wouldn't really care.\nDoctor: What if I were to tell you that I think you're fat? I think you're a fat little boy. I think you're waaaaay too fat for your age. Does that make you feel any anger? Huh, fatty? Jelly-belly? You got jelly in your belly you little fat fuck? You get a little flash of anger when someone tells you you've got tits like a 40-year-old woman? Fat boy?! [as the doctor's voice rises, Cartman takes out a cell phone and starts texting] Huh?! You like that, shitty-titty jelly-belly?! [stands up and starts provoking him] Oh yeah, he's a big boy!! Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass!! Big old jiggly fatty butt!! [Cartman seems unfazed, so the doctor relents and sits down. Cartman continues texting, clears his throat, and resumes texting] ...Huh. Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman. Your son doesn't seem to be triggered by anger at all. In fact, I'd say he's one of the more even-tempered children I've ever seen.\nReceptionist: [opens the door and peeks in] Sorry Doctor, your wife's on the phone? Says it's an emergency. [leaves and closes the door]\nDoctor: Excuse me. [leaves his chair and walks to his desk, where he picks up the phone] Carol, what? ...Whoa, calm down honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha-? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne- [Cartman puts down the phone quietly. Liane simply notices, but stays quiet] No I don't have a criminal record. Who would- Who is Mitch Conner?! There can't be an official police report, honey, there's no- No no, Carol, put down the gun, swee- uh sweetie, come on, put down the [\"blam.\"] Carol?! Carol!! [looks at Cartman]\nCartman: [coldly] I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Library, evening. Principal Victoria has called a school meeting. Mr. Mackey is present.\nPrincipal Victoria: Thank you for coming, parents. We called you in because we've had a little incident at the school. The fourth grade boys measured their penises and posted results in the school hallway.\nRandy: Oh dear.\nPrincipal Victoria: Now, we realize this issue can have a troubling effect that can get blown out of proportion.\nRandy: Did they measure from the base or from the balls? [no one says a thing for six seconds]\nMrs. Stevens: How does the school let things like this happen??\nPrincipal Victoria: Now now, boys' fascination with their genitalia is a natural thing. We... simply need to find a way to help the students understand what they've done.\nRandy: [stands up and faces the other parents] I'm a scientist. I think it's best I handle this.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade Class. Mr. Garrison has given class time to Randy, who is reclining on Mr. Garrison's desk casually.\nRandy: Hello students, my name is Dr. Marsh, and I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about what happened at the school yesterday. How do a man and a woman... make a baby? Anybody? A man and woman, what do they do to make a baby? How about the little girl in the brown coat? Yeah you.\nGirl with Brown Coat: [first appearance on the show] They have sex?\nRandy: Good! The man puts his penis [makes a fist with his left hand.] Okay? Into the woman's vagina. [pronounces the g with a heavy h sound and jabs his left arm through the air, through an imaginary vagina formed with his cupped right hand] Okay now, sometimes, a man can feel like how long his penis is, is actually important. But is it? When you boys measure your penis length, the truth is it doesn't really matter. What does matter is [starts writing the equation on the board: (L×d)+W/G)/(∠∝(2@t)] Length times diameter plus weight over girth divided by angle of the tip squared, okay? When we're talking about penis size, we can't just use a tape measure. We need a scale [pulls down the projector screen] and... [pulls something out of his back pocket] a protractor as well. [walks to a projector] Let's look at it on the graph here.. [wheels it into view and positions it right in front of the screen, then turns on the projector. A picture of a happy, naked man in profile appears on the screen. The length of his penis is 8 inches, the angle is 135 degrees] Follow along with me on your study sheets, kids.\nScene Description: A classroom. A sign is shown which reads \"1. know why you are mad 2. know what makes you mad 3. know how to let go of anger\". Cartman and the others in attendance are seated in a circle with their arms folded and looking angry\nDoctor: I want to congratulate all of you for making the effort to come to anger management class.\nBodybuilder: We didn't make any effort, we didn't have a choice!\nTea Bag Participant: Yeah! This is bullshit!\nDoctor: Together, we're gonna learn what makes us angry, okay? And how to better deal with it so we don't get ourselves into trouble anymore.\nMichael: So lame! Why doesn't everyone just die?!\nTuong Lu Kim: Rook! Ifuh somebody ordereduh shitty beef, anduh complain because they say they ordereduh shitty shrimp, It's notuh my fault he gets the shitty chicken poured all over hisuh fucking head!\nTea Bag Participant: We have good reason to be angry! This country is going to shit! We have exactly twelve days before the oil is gone, and our president is a socialist who wasn't even born in America!\nDoctor: Right. See, what we all need to do is chaaannel our various reasons for anger, and learn to control it.\nWigger: [stands up and grabs his crotch] Man, this shit wack, man. I just seen all this shit frontin' mahn. [drops into a wide leg stance] I don't understand, it like my pops ain't no fuckin' good mah. [makes a phone gesture with his other hand] Bitch be callin' me, tappin' that shit, man.\nCartman: Why the fuck am I here?!\nDoctor: Well, Eric, because I know you want to... control your anger and become a better person.\nCartman: Are you saying I have problems like these fucking people?!\nDoctor: [panics and drops his pen] NO! No! I'm not saying that, at all. Please I, I'm just saying how a-, amazing you are for wanting to... l-lessen some of your more... less awesome attributes.\nCartman: Oh, that's cool.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade Class. Randy continues his lecture.\nRandy: And so, by dividing the weight and the girth of the penis by the angle or the- what do we call it again? The yaw? The yaw of the shaft? What we finally get is the adjusted penis size, or, T.M.I. Any questions so far? Yes, little girl over there.\nGirl with Blue Vest: [first appearance on the show] What's a penis?\nRandy: [six second later, after mulling what his answer would be] ...Ah, good question. Ahh, the penis is the thing we're talking about that boys have that we're... measuring. [now quickly] Okay any other questions? Okay, so then let's move on to the example on your study sheet. How about you? Could you read the first example for the class? [a girl is shown] Example 1, young lady. Please read the problem out loud\nRiley: Example 1: Randy has a penis that is 4.4 inches in length.\nRandy: [writes the number on the board] Four point four inches...\nRiley: Its angle is 32 degrees. Its flaccid girth is one inch in diameter. His balls are seven centimeters from the base.\nRandy: Seven centimeters...\nRiley: Randy notes that the drift of his penis is four centimeters to penis right, and its dead weight is .5 kilograms.\nRandy: Great! And so divide by the 17. carry the 1, and we can see that Randy's adjusted penis size, or T.M.I., is... 6.3 inches. Do we got that? Randy's length is 4.4 inches, but his adjusted length is 6.3. So how does our example person \"Randy\" compare to others on the T.M.I. scale? By referring again to the T.M.I. chart, we see that a T.M.I. of 6.3 is .8 inches more than the national average. [grins at the class]\nScene Description: Anger Management Class, later.\nDoctor: Okay, what we're going to do now is get to the root of all your anger. Daniel, could you stand up please? [Daniel stands up with his arms still crossed.] What makes you the angriest, Daniel?\nDaniel: [the Tea Bag participant] Stupid-ass blind liberals!\nDoctor: Okay, great. Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be a stupid-ass blind liberal? [the bodybuilder stands up and walks up to Daniel] And what makes you angriest, Chase?\nChase: Scrawny-ass sissies!\nDoctor: Okay, Daniel's a scrawny-ass sissy, he just cut in front of you in line at the bank. Go!\nChase: Hey! What, do you think I got a small dick?! Huh?! [strikes him on the chest]\nDaniel: Huh I don't have a small penis! My wife thinks my penis is perfectly fine!\nDoctor: [doesn't say anything for a few seconds] ...Okay. Uh, why don't we uh do some roleplaying now with Wayne D, who gets angriest at his mom. [Wayne D stands and moves to the center of the room] Gretchen, can you play Wayne D's mom for us? [Gretchen, a butch woman, stands up and walks to the middle of the room]\nWayne D: Yo, bitch! You think you bad? Just 'cause you're a mom don't mean I can't put a cap in your ass, bitch, mang!\nGretchen: I may be female on the outside, but I still have a bigger penis than you!\nWayne D: [begins to tear up and drops the gangsta act] I don't have a small penis! Don't say that, it isn't true! It isn't true!\nTuong Lu Kim: [stands up and yells in frustration] That's enough! I've beem sick of everyone talk aboutuh penis shize!\nDaniel: [stands up and yells] Yeah, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter!\nDoctor: [if he wasn't sure before, he is now] Does... everyone here have an issue with their penis size?\nChase: No.\nGretchen: No.\nTuong Lu Kim: Not me.\nDaniel: Nnnooo.\nWayne D: No, my, my shit be packing, manh.\nCartman: My penis is 13 inches long.\nDoctor: Hmmm.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's room, day. The kids have another guest speaker\nGuest Speaker: Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnod, and I'm an \"actual doctor\" of human sexuality and behavior. Unfortunately you have been taught some very wrong ideas in the past couple of days, and I am here to set things straight.\nWendy: Thank God.\nMs. Turnod: I want you to try and forget these wild theories and understand that all that's important when it comes to a man and a woman making love is actually [turns around, picks up some chalk and starts writing down the equation on the board: ((L×G)/(∠A°))÷(M/W)] Length times girth over angle of the shaft divided by mass over width- [the classroom door flies open and Randy is at the door, incensed]\nRandy: Vou DAMN N MONTAIRE [runs up and attacks Ms. Turnod. She responds with a punch and a kick to the balls. They trade punches as the class looks on. Randy knocks her to the floor, gets on top of her, and keeps punching away]\nScene Description: Anger Management Class, a day or two later. Randy is now in there with the other seven members.\nDoctor: We all want to welcome our new member, Randy. Say hi to everyone, Randy.\nRandy: Aw, suck it! All o'ya!\nDoctor: Now, we've all been trying to channel our anger in more constructive ways, Randy. Why don't you share what's bothering you?\nRandy: You just don't go around changing math! Who the hell is this chick surgeon general appointed by Obama?!\nDaniel: Goddamn right! Socialist fascist!\nRandy: [has a lighter and tries to torch a chair with it] Power to the people! Burn it down! Burn it down!!\nDoctor: Mr. Marsh, this is what we're here to try and work on, okay?\nRandy: No dude, fuck you! We're burnin' this shit!\nDoctor: If you take a minute to think about your anger, and give- [the chair lights up in flames] whoa! Whoawhoawhoa!\nRandy: Yeeaahh!\nCartman: Yeah dude!\nWayne D: Man, that shit be burnin' an' shit, manh!\nGretchen: Yeeaahh!\nCartman: [takes his chair and swings it against a wall, where it shatters] Yeah!\nScene Description: The class begins to riot. Randy walks to some curtains and sets them on fire.\nRandy: Yeeaahh! [the office is soon destroyed]\nScene Description: FedEx Office, day. A clerk and customer do business\nClerk: Welcome to FedEx. How can I help you today?\nCustomer: Yes, I've got some birthday presents I need shipped.\nClerk: Alrighty, let's see what kind of-\nRandy: [runs in with the other anger-management class members] Burn it down! [the other members go forth destroying the store. Randy walks up to a huge poster and sets it on fire]\nCartman: Burn it down, dude! [Daniel demolishes boxes with a bat while Gretchen takes a pipe to other boxes. Michael holds a knife and kicks some boxes while Cartman takes a small hammer to a huge box. Wayne D fires away with a pistol while Chase fires away with a semi-automatic rifle and Tuong Lu Kim swings a Chinese cleaver around ]\nRandy: [approaches the counter to set it on fire] Let's see how the American government likes it when we shut down their Federal Express! [Gretchen reappears to bash more stuff up]\nScene Description: A news report. The media got wind of the riot\nField Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado, where a radical political group has taken several people hostage. They call themselves the pissed-off and angry party. And they allowed me to speak with them moments ago.\nScene Description: Recorded earlier. The FedEx staff and customers are huddled on the ground while Cartman and the others stand near them with their weapons drawn.\nRandy: [holding the clerk hostage] This is a call to all angry people! We've had enough! We're gonna hit the government where it hurts! Right in the Federal Express!\nField Reporter: What exactly are you angry about?\nRandy: We're angry about this stupid liberal government and fascist lies, media- control, and the-\nCartman: The Jews!\nRandy: Yeah, Jews! And all this stuff that the government's doing!\nField Reporter: You've got a lot of people scared. What are your demands?\nRandy: Well first of all, we want that surgeon general to step down!\nChase: Yeeaahh!\nRandy: And we want-\nDaniel: [runs into view] And we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! [walks offscreen]\nRandy: Yeah, we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! And um,\nWayne D: [enters from the other side] And my mom gotta stop trippin', manh. [grabs his crotch] Bitch be trippin' all the time, manh. [walks offscreen]\nRandy: Yeah, we want our moms to stop trippin', man! 'Cause the bitches be trippin' all the time! And I think that- uhh, [looks back at the other members.] is that it?\nCartman: No, and fuck Kyle!\nRandy: Oh yeah, and fuck Kyle! Surgeon general's resignation, Obama's real birth certificate, moms to stop trippin', and fuck Kyle! You got that?! Or else we're gonna bring the Federal Express to a grinding halt!\nField Reporter: Does it bother you that the Federal Express is not affiliated at all with the Federal Government?\nRandy: No. No, that doesn't matter! [releases the clerk and turns to look at the other members] Fuck, really?!\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters is measuring his penis again and again and putting down his measurements on a sheet of paper on a small table next to him\nLinda: Butters, what are you doing?\nButters: Homework! I just don't get it! That is the fourth time I've calculated, and it's below average! I thought I was hung, but according to my T.M.I., I have a micropenis! [throws down his pencil and notepad in disgust]\nLinda: Your T.M.I.?\nButters: I don't understand it! An' I'm startin'- uhh, I'm starting to feel angry! Rawr! [kicks his bed]\nLinda: Butters, put your clothes on.\nButters: [begins to vent, pacing back and forth] Oh what's the point, Mom?! What's the point of life anyway?! All you do is yell at me! And the government... wuh, which is led by fascists, and everyone's a Justin Bieber wannabe. I wanna go and drive a Hummer, that's what I wanna do! I wanna drive a car that goes, that goes rawr rawr rawrawrawr!\nLinda: Butters, what does driving a car have to do with your penis being small? [outside, some car rev by. Linda and Butters go to his window to look]\nDriver 1: [in an SUV on monster wheels] Hey, everyone who's pissed off and angry is rallying to take down America! Join the fight! [peels off]\nDriver 2: [in a little red Corvette] We're gonna take down the Federal Expresses, the American Apparels, and the American Furniture Warehouse! [peels off]\nDriver 3: [in a massive truck] We're fed up and we've had enough! [peels off]\nScene Description: The surgeon general's office, day. The surgeon general is there surrounded by her staff.\nAide 1: Surgeon general, twelve more FedExes have been taken over; the Pissed Off and Angry Party is gaining more support!\nAide 2: They've shut down American Airlines and American Apparels all over the country. We have to ask you to step down.\nRebecca Turnod: Are you seriously saying we're going to give in to their demands?\nAide 2: They're all really angry. We have to make them stop. Is the team standing by to fuck that little boy Kyle?\nAide 3: Team is standing by, sir.\nDoctor: [charges in] 'Scuse me. Excuse me, let me through.\nRebecca Turnod: Who is this?\nDoctor: [approaches the surgeon general's desk] Surgeon general, I believe I know why this is happening. I have found a direct correlation between the anger, and T.M.I. [goes to a whiteboard and beings writing out the equation: Anger equals (L×W)/(M^2-∠)+YAW ] Anger equals length times width over mass squared minus angle of the shaft plus yaw. [finishes and looks at the surgeon general] Look, we all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry or always finding new reasons to be angry, it means they have a very very very very small dick.\nRebecca Turnod: Your theory is fine, doctor, but it doesn't matter. The T.M.I. equation is true solid science, which cannot be changed. There's nothing we can do about it.\nDoctor: Isn't there? Isn't... there?\nScene Description: The FedEx in Fairplay, thoroughly destroyed, day.\nDaniel: We've waited long enough, Randy! Let's start killin' these sons of bitches!\nWoman: No, please!\nCartman: Yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want!\nWayne D: Yo let's cap these bitches, manh! Let's cap an leave em at the back of the building, manh!\nMichael: [watching a working TV, turns around and calls the other members] Hey, come over here. Look. [turns to watch TV again as the others arrive]\nAnnouncer: We interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general.\nRebecca Turnod: Fellow Americans, as you all know, the T.M.I. scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every American could accurately measure their junk. The established equation is a hundred percent accurate.\nRandy: Rrrr!\nDaniel: Shhh.\nRebecca Turnod: However, due to recently collected data, we are making one change. [the T.M.I. scale is shown] The national average for penis length is now officially moved, from 6 inches to 1.5 inches. [the lower regions of the chart shrink and the NICE region takes up the slack] Anyone with a T.M.I. of over 1.5 inches is considered \"above average\". [she puts her stamp of approval to it]\nRandy: [takes a step back. Everyone has a smile on their face now, except for Cartman. An electric organ begins to play in the background]. The winds of change are blowin'. There's excitement in the air. Can you feel it? It's electric and magical. The happy train's on track. 'Cause America is BACK! Woohoo! Come on! [the group throw their weapons aside and dance in celebration as they run to the exit. Cartman stands alone.]\nCartman: Wait, what?\nScene Description: FedEx, exterior. Randy pushes the FedEx door open and leads the group outside in a dance. A few police officers run up with smiles on their faces and join them.\nRandy: America is back! America is back!\nCartman: [runs outside and tries to get their attention] Wait! According to that scale, I still have a small wiener!\nRandy: We're back, we're back, we're back back back! America is back!\nCartman: I'm still fucking angry!\nRandy: Back and we're back and we're back! We're so back, we're so back back back back back back!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A golden Buddha is shown in a garden. Around him are smaller Buddhas, most of which are golden as well. In front of all this are Terrance and Phillip, dressed in saffron cloth. Terrance farts on Phillip, causing Stan and Kyle to laugh. They are watching an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show.\nPhillip: That one was smelly. Take this Dalai Terrance [sharts on Terrance. Terrance and Phillip laugh, Stan and Kyle laugh]\nKyle: [through his laughter] Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done!\nStan: I know! This is awesome!\nKyle: I'm so happy! [wipes off the tip of his nose]\nAnnouncer: Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages. [a commercial comes on]\nSinger: So much sufferin'... [continues singing in the background. Pictures of babies in bad shape begin to appear]\nKyle: Oh no! It's that [puts up his right hand to block his view, shuts his eyes and looks away] super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away!\nStan: What?\nKyle: Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! [a baby tries to get his bearing in order to crawl, but slowly collapses. Another one looks in a mirror, then lowers his hed]\nSarah McLachlan: These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.\nStan: Aw dude, that's so sad. [puts up his right hand and looks away]\nKyle: Why do they have to put this on TV?! [a doctor carries a baby in order to calm him down]\nSarah McLachlan: Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless. [McLachlan is finally shown] Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them. [more pictures are shown] Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you.\nStan: Awww dude, awwww.\nKyle: Aaaggh, God.\nSarah McLachlan: Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures. [one of a baby with two boils on his face, another one of a sickly baby crawling]\nKyle: I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude! [runs off, leaving Stan on the sofa looking away]\nScene Description: Colorado Medical Center, day. A nurse walks down the hall with Kyle\nNurse: It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care.\nKyle: What exactly can I do to help?\nNurse: Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now. [a large room full of baby cribs] I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see.\nKyle: Oh it's, it's so sad.\nNurse: Come, come, right over here. [leads him to a therapy room] We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up. [the door opens and out walks Cartman]\nCartman: Oh. Hey Kyle.\nKyle: [at first surprised, now suspicious] What are you doing here?\nCartman: I'm volunteering.\nKyle: [remains suspicious] ...What are you doing here?!\nCartman: [firmly] I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.\nNurse: Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart.\nKyle: Why do you have a video camera?\nCartman: I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?! [to the nurse] Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow. [walks away]\nMs. Williams: Bye, Eric. [Kyle just watches as Cartman goes to the elevator and closes its doors behind him]\nKyle: I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit?\nMs. Williams: Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately.\nKyle: Thanks. [walks to a window looking over a parking lot. The nurse walks off in the opposite direction]\nScene Description: As Kyle watches, Cartman walks through the parking lot and meets Craig. Cartman looks over his shoulder on his way to meet Craig. Kyle decides to follow them and takes the next elevator down. Cartman and Craig stop on the sidewalk around the medical center. Cartman checks his watch as if he's waiting for someone. Day has turned to evening. Kyle hides in the shadows and looks on. Clyde walks up to Cartman and Craig, who has a camera of his own. The three of them chat a bit, then walk away laughing. Kyle keeps his distance, but follows them nonetheless. Cartman, Craig, and Clyde walk up to a slender building in town, next to Tom's Rhinoplasty, and enter it. Kyle arrives a couple of second laster. He enters as well and climbs up some stairs, but doesn't reach the second floor. Instead, he stays a few steps from the top and watches as Cartman, Craig, and Clyde put some mini-VHS tapes on a table for Butters. Butters, typing away on a computer, becomes a video editor, splicing videos from their tapes together.\nKyle: What's going on?!\nButters: [startled] Wuuuuhhhhhh! [falls off the chair]\nCartman: Ah, crap! [rolls his eyes]\nScene Description: Moments later, Cartman, Craig, Clyde, and Butters sit at a table in the slender building and look at Kyle\nCartman: Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital.\nKyle: So what are you doing?!\nCartman: What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well.\nKyle: Alright, what is it?!\nCartman: Crack baby basketball. [Kyle pushes his chair away from the table, gets up, and begins to leave] Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us! [Kyle reaches the staurs] We could actually really use you!\nKyle: Why do you need me?\nCartman: Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping. [Kyle heads downstairs] Dammit! [Kyle leaves the building; Cartman races down the stairs to catch up to him] Kyle, wait I- [Kyle slams the door shut and walks away. Cartman opens it and catches up to Kyle] Kyle, hold on a second!\nKyle: I knew you were doing something terrible!\nCartman: What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?!\nKyle: Lots of people will when I tell them!\nCartman: We made a thousand dollars in eleven days. [Kyle stops walking, then turns around]\nKyle: You what?\nCartman: Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack.\nKyle: A thousand dollars.\nCartman: Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time.\nScene Description: Denny's, night. Cartman leads the other four to Denny's. He opens the door for them. Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eye Peas begins to play in the background\nThe Black Eye Peas: Here we go, Here we go, Satellite radio. Y'all gettin hit wit the (Boom, boom!) Beats so big, I'm stepping on leprechauns\nCartman: After you. [the other four enter. Inside, it is packed with people waiting for a table to open.]\nKyle: There's a big wait to sit down.\nWaiter: Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir.\nCartman: Come on. [the other boys follow]\nScene Description: The boys are seated at a booth and enjoying their meals. They also have a bucket of champagne on ice next to them. They are talking loudly over the music in the background\nThe Black Eye Peas: Shitting on y'all wit the (Boom, boom!) Shitting on y'all wit the (Boom, boom!) Shitting on y'all wit the This beat be bumping, bumping This beat go boom boom! Let the beat rock Let the beat rock Let the beat rock This beat be bumping, bumping This beat go boom boom!\nCartman: We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day.\nKyle: Jesus Christ.\nCraig: It's awesome.\nCartman: It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials.\nButters: Every single night.\nCartman: Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert.\nKyle: Wow...\nScene Description: In the back seat of a limo. Kyle is between Cartman and Butters\nCartman: We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights.\nScene Description: A karaoke bar. Butters is rapping over \"Boom Boom Pow\" and dancing to a teleprompter. The other boys are sitting down between two Asian ladies, who are holding bottles of Sprite and various plates of food are on their table\nButters: I like that boom boom pow Them chicks be jackin my style They try and copy my swagger I'm on that next shit now I'm so three thousand and eight You so two thousand and late I got that boom boom boom That future boom boom boom Let me get it now\nCartman: You've got a constant flow of athletes that never dries up, Kyle. And best of all, it's all charity, so it's tax free. [Kyle is about to give in, but still has his doubts. He look down and away]\nScene Description: Back in the slender building, day. Cartman and Kyle can be seen through the second-story window\nThe Black Eye Peas: (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) That (Boom boom boom) That (Boom boom boom) (Boom boom)\nCartman: Put your office right here, Kyle. All of South Park walking by, looking up at you.\nKyle: [turns away from the window and walks a few steps] And it actually helps the crack babies. It's like volunteering but, but we just make a little on the side.\nCartman: Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon, Kyle. Might as well be us. Welcome to the firm. [pats Kyle on the shoulder and walks away. Kyle walks back to the window and looks out over the street below. He smiles]\nScene Description: Some boys are in Stan's backyard playing catch with a football. Seen are Jason, Token, Jimmy, Timmy, and Stan. Token stands next to Stan\nStan: Go long, Token! Go go! [Token runs across the yard. Stan throws the ball and Token catches it]\nKyle: Hey Stan. Dude, I want you to have this. It's the twenty bucks I owed you plus thirty dollars interest.\nStan: Wow, really? [takes the money and starts counting it]\nKyle: I got a job, Stan. I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff.\nStan: Doing what?\nKyle: Crack baby... basketball.\nStan: [somewhat startled] ...Dude.\nKyle: No no, it's n-it's not like it sounds. Here, check it out. [leads Kyle inside and to his room, then gets on the computer and goes to a Web site.] See look, we just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack. It's really getting popular! [soon, babies are heard. Kyle is showing Stan one of the Crack Baby Fight videos] I mean it, it's cool because like the commercial said, the crack babies had nothing before. [Stan stays quiet] It, it's great, because everyone wins, you know? You see that? Two million hits. [Stan stays quiet] Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's?\nScene Description: A run-down little white house in the poor part of town. Cartman and Butters approach it and knock on the front door. A pregnant woman answers it.\nCartman: Betsy MacIntosh?\nBetsy MacIntosh: Whatta you want?\nCartman: We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic? They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again?\nBetsy MacIntosh: Oh Gohhhd.\nCartman: We need to speak with you, ma'am. [she allows them to come in, and they sit on the sofa while she sits in the armchair.]\nBetsy MacIntosh: It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again.\nCartman: And so am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine?\nBetsy MacIntosh: I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs! But I can't stop! [begins to cry]\nCartman: [looks at Butters and smiles] Well ma'am, I have some exciting news. [takes his briefcase and opens it, taking out a letter] We would like your child to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association. [Butters claps in approval]\nBetsy MacIntosh: [takes the letter and reads it] The what?\nCartman: We believe that St. Mary's is the best hospital for your child, and we're prepared to offer it a full ride. Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female, or so deformed you'll never be able to tell?\nBetsy MacIntosh: They said it's a boy.\nCartman: [holds out a pen] Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's.\nBetsy MacIntosh: How much will he make?\nCartman: Well, nothing. Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules.\nBetsy MacIntosh: So what? You would make money off of my child? That doesn't seem fair.\nCartman: I don't make the rules, ma'am, I just think them up and write them down. Now, if you'll be willing to sign right here we can get things rolling on the-\nBetsy MacIntosh: Cain't you change the rules?\nCartman: Rgh! Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association is a storied franchise. It was founded over twelve days ago, with a firm ethical code that strictly states \"benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well-being.\" I cannot offer you or your child any cash. I can however offer you a little bit of crack. Butters? [Butters smiles, reaches for his briefcase, and opens it]\nScene Description: Stan's living room. Stan is on the sofa playing a video game. Kyle enters, walks up to Stan, looks down at the floor, and picks up where he left off\nKyle: Dude, what actually makes total sense about it, if you look at it, is that the crack babies are finally getting some attention and the care that they need. [glances at Stan] Yeah. It's pretty cool, dude. Because most of these babies would normally not even get out, you know? Huh, or be able to do anything. [glances at Stan again] Just because we are making money doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting. It isn't exploiting them. They're finding a useful place in society. What's so unethical about that? [glances at Stan and waits a bit longer for a reply]\nStan: ...You sound like Cartmam.\nKyle: [puts his right hand on his stomach as if punched there] Ooogh. Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies. That's their moms' goddamned fault!\nStan: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too.\nKyle: I do not sound like Cartman goddamnit! [frightens himself and glances at Stan, then look away] Okay, so, see ya. [goes out the front door and closes it behind him]\nScene Description: The slender building, day. Butters is at a desk waiting for calls. Cartman is in his corner office talking to someone on his phone\nCartman: It's the easiest thing in the world! How could you guys have screwed this up?! All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at half time for the match up between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai NCU!\nClyde: We're just having a hard time finding him.\nCartman: [slams his fists on the table] Slash is not hard to find! He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him! He played at my eighth birthday party, for Christ's sake! Look! Look! He's playing at Lakewood Mall right now! [a shot of Slash on the TV on the wall] Now you guys get down there- [the phone rings] Oh crap, the president of EA Sports is calling. Just go! Go! [Craig and Clyde turn around and leave] Mr. Peters, how are you? Yes sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well. [As Clyde and Craig go downstairs, Kyle comes upstairs. Kyle looks pissed as he stops at Cartman's desk] Oh, we know the video game version of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too. [softly] Hey Kyle. Have a seat.\nKyle: I need to talk to you. [puts a folder down on the desk]\nCartman: Mr. Peters, can I call you back? Our company accountant needs me. Yes, he is Jewish. Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye. [hangs up] How's it goin', man?\nKyle: [opens the folder] In our deal with EA Sports we are giving them the right to use images of the crack babies and their names. But we aren't paying the crack babies.\nCartman: They can't make money. It's against the rules.\nKyle: But this video game can make a million dollars. We have to give the crack babies a piece of that.\nCartman: Kyle, it says right there: Rule number 3. Crack baby players cannot receive compensation of any kind for their playing.\nKyle: Gut they're the ones risking injury.\nCartman: What do you want me to do, Kyle? Find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety to get up there and change the rules?!\nKyle: The government could come after us, Cartman.\nCartman: We're a non-profit company, Kyle.\nKyle: So then where did the eight hundred dollars we made from selling an Internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go?\nCartman: Egh, to things we need to keep the office running, Kyle. Here, look. [shows him to the newest addition to the office]\nKyle: A hot tub?!\nCartman: It's not just a hot tub. Taste it. Go ahead, taste it. [Kyle goes up the steps, dips his finger into the liquid, and tastes it]\nKyle: Gravy?\nCartman: Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.\nKyle: No way.\nCartman: A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle. Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime? [pretty soon they're both in the hot tub. A lot of McDonald's french fries sit behind them.] Kyle, as owners of this company, we owe it not only to ourselves, but to the crack babies to be as stress-free and clear-headed as possible. McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy. The French call this \"poutine\".\nKyle: I know, but dude, we can't license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing. Slavery is illegal.\nCartman: It's not illegal Kyle. Tell you what: I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it.\nKyle: What other companies?\nScene Description: One such company. The University of Colorado at Boulder, day. In an office, a middle-aged man is reading a document at his desk\nSecretary: [off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you.\nDean Howland: A what? Send him in. [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman]\nCartman: [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.\nDean Howland: In the what?\nCartman: My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself, [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] I am also in the slave trade. [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.\nDean Howland: I have... no idea what you're talkin' about.\nCartman: [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks.\nDean Howland: Are you referring to our student athletes?\nCartman: Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- \"student atheletes\" then?\nDean Howland: Look, there are [catches his breath] good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man.\nCartman: I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right?\nDean Howland: We do [slams his fist on his desk] not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves.\nCartman: But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight. [clears his throat] Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu. [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves.\nDean Howland: Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you!\nCartman: You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?! [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home! [walks out and closes the door]\nScene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. Stan is sleeping. It's rare that he sleeps without his hat on, but this is one of those nights. He opens his eyes, closes them, opens them again, and stirs. He seems to have heard something behind him, so he turns over and sees Kyle standing in the middle of his room, talking to himself.\nKyle: Here's the thing: Whether or not I'm a part of it, crack baby basketball is popular. Somebody's going to do it. So the only way for me to try and help the situation is to be involved in it, so that I can steer things in a direction that is more beneficial to the actual crack babies. [Stan just blinks, still half-awake. Kyle turns and looks at him] Oh, it's sooo easy for you, isn't it? I mean, what do you have to do except lay there and think about what you did at school today, or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow? Well sorry, Skippy, but the world isn't always black and white! Just because some people are born poorer than others doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken!\nStan: [blinks sleepily] McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of... KFC gravy?\nKyle: It happens to be called poutine in Montreal! [turns around and walks out]\nScene Description: The slender building, day. Cartman is chewing out someone on the phone\nCartman: How hard can it be, Clyde?! You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall and you offer him a deal!\nClyde: We must have just missed him. He was playing at Cherry Creek mall and then Flat Irons mall. Now we don't know where to go because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs in the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon.\nCartman: How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?!\nClyde: We don't know. He's everywhere.\nCartman: Look, you morons, Slash clearly has a fan club, right?! So just go to the post office, and find out where the mail gets in, and then you'll have Slash's home address!\nCraig: Oh, that's a good idea.\nCartman: Yeah it's a good idea! Now go get us Slash for halftime! [slams the receiver down on the base] Jesus Christ! [Kyle walks in with a stand and some schematics] Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company, Kyle? Goddamn!\nKyle: [setting up] Alright Cartman, I've been doin' a lot of thinking about how the company's gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal. We're going to use thirty percent of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies.\nCartman: ...What?\nKyle: I've designed it to be the best place for them to live. A place where they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve. And if you think it's a bad idea, I really don't care!\nCartman: Oh my God... It's genius, Kyle!\nKyle: ...What?\nCartman: This the answer to our problems! A three hundred thousand dollar building, but we buy ourselves a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public. We can say we gave our \"student athletes\" a place to live and grow for a few years. It's like moral teflon! I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle! Great work! [hugs Kyle, who is quite puzzled at Cartman's reaction]\nScene Description: United States Post Office in South Park, day. Craig and Clyde are talking to the postmaster there\nPostmaster: Let me get this straight. You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives?\nCraig: Please sir, it's very important.\nPostmaster: Well I'm afraid I can't do that, kids.\nClyde: But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it.\nPostmaster: Come on! Kids write to Slash every day, but it all just goes into this big pile over here. [leads them to the pile] The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere. Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be aaall those places at the same time? It's because he's made up! He-\nPostman: Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty. It's up to parents to tell their children Slash ain't real. [Craig and Clyde look at each other]\nScene Description: The Donovan house, day. Betsy is washing dishes in the kitchen when the phone rings. Roger answers the phone.\nRoger: Hullo?\nClyde: Dad, is Slash real or make-believe?\nRoger: Ohh dear. Clyde's asking about Slash.\nBetsy: [turns around] Oooo well, the day had to come.\nRoger: Clyde, the truth is Slash isn't a person. He's more like a... feeling in your heart, you know?\nClyde: Slash isn't real.\nCraig: Get out of here.\nBetsy: [takes the phone] Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend with make-believe characters. He's not really a lie, he's like ahh...\nRoger: [takes the phone back] Er he's like love. People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash. The Dutch call him Vunter Slash.\nClyde: He's made up and people dress like him and pretend to be him to their kids.\nRoger: Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde. Ha- how did that old folk song go, honey?\nBetsy: Vunter Slash kapunshka\nBoth Parents: Shpielerin manshunshka\nScene Description: Denny's, day. Kyle has brought Stan to the restaurant with Cartman and Butters. Craig and Clyde are still on a mission\nKyle: And so, thirty percent of the money we make off the licensing agreement with EA Sports goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies. Did you see the blueprints? The babies will have their own putt putt golf course. [gets no reaction from Stan] Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan? If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop, why does my salary matter?\nClyde: [arriving with Craig] You guys! You guuys! We've got some bad news. Slash isn't real. [he has a book under his arm]\nCartman: What?\nCraig: Slash isn't real. He's a made-up person that represents care and giving, and people dress up like him and lie to their kids.\nButters: Slash is make-believe??\nClyde: Here, look for yourself. [plops the book onto the booth table] He's based on the fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slash. [a book of his story is shown, with pious images of Slash]\nCartman: Vunter Slash?\nKyle: What?\nCartman: But then, who played at my eighth birthday party?\nClyde: One of our parents.\nCartman: But then, who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses?\nClyde: One of our parents!\nCartman: Are you fucking serious? [no one speaks for a few seconds]\nStan: You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh my God. [leaves the table]\nCartman: You knew about this??\nStan: [stands next to Craig and Clyde] My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five. Jehesus Christ. [blinks his eyes and walks away. The others are dumbstruck for several seconds]\nButters: Well what the heck do we do now?\nKyle: Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this whole thing once and for all!\nScene Description: EA Sports, day. The five boys stand inside Mr. Peters' office.\nMr. Peters: [speaking with the same Southern accent Cartman used earlier] Boys, I want to thank you for bringin' the CB double A franchise here to EA Sports. You've made us a lohhht of monih.\nKyle: Wait a minute. According to this you now own all the rights to Crack Baby Basketball and we got nothing.\nMr. Peters: [serves himself a drink] Yes, our lawyers are damn good. But you didn't get nothin'. Why, you boys got experience, didn'tcha? You got a chance to play in the big leagues. Sure, we here at EA might have made all the monih, but you little workers had a chance to make some'in' of yourselves. I'd give you some free video games, but it's against the rules. [smokes a cigar]\nKyle: You can't do this! We were gonna build an orphanage! So the crack babies have somewhere to go!\nMr. Peters: Oh, well, fuck 'em. And fuck you too. I piss in your faces. [smokes the cigar again. The boys are dumbstruck for a few seconds]\nCartman: I just can't believe Slash isn't real,\nButters: I know. It's messin' with my head so hard.\nKyle: You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to!\nCartman: I know, right? I was always extra good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come and play for me.\nMr. Peters: [sits in his chair and puts his feet up on the desk] Well boys, this has been real educational and all, but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin': \"Get the fuck out of my buildin'!\"\nScene Description: Outside, day. Somewhere around the medical center, Stan and Kyle walk along\nKyle: It's unbelievable, Stan. EA Sports just used us the entire time. We worked for nothing and EA made all the money. You know, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over but, but I guess making tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always gonna cause problems. I know, I know, right? We might've got screwed, but the really tragic thing is that those, those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there, with nowhere to go. [something grabs his attention] No way! [a brand new building is shown: \"South Park Orphanage for Crack Babies\"] This is it!\nStan: It's what?\nKyle: This is it, Stan! [runs across the street and enters the orphanage. Stan trails behind. Several workers are putting up wallpaper] It's just like I designed it. There's the miniature gold course over there! And slides and uh, [sees Ms. Williams] excuse me, what is this place?\nMs. Williams: Isn't it wonderful? All the crack babies will have a home now.\nKyle: But who paid for all this? [Stan catches up and the nurse leaves]\nStan: [tugs at Kyle's coat] Kyle, Kyle! Look. [in a corner sits one of Slash's hats and one of his guitars]\nKyle: You don't think that-? But he isn't real.\nStan: Maybe. Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all.\nChild singers: Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa. Danka Vunter Slasha\nCartman: [pops into view] He is real, you guys. [a constellation of Slash appears among the stars. Cartman winks and drops down from view]\nChild singers: Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa-"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Downtown South Park. There's traffic and people on the sidewalk. Among all that is a small postman who looks pretty familiar. The postman stops at a kitchenware place and knocks on the door. A cashier comes to the door and opens it\nButters: Hello sir. Postman Butters with a special delivery for you. [hands him a flyer]\nCashier: What's this?\nButters: An all-new sushi restaurant just opened in town. Try their lunch specials.\nCashier: Thanks.\nButters: You can count on Postman Butters! [salutes and leaves. As he does so, the cashier makes a ball out of the flyer and tosses it away. Butters doesn't notice, but instead sees a woman coming up and hands her a flyer] Special delivery, ma'am. [sees a man coming up and hands him a flyer. The woman crumples up her flyer and tosses it away] Here you are, sir. [the man balls up and tosses his flyer away] Brand new sushi restaurant in town. [Butters sees another man and hands him a flyer] A flyer for you, from Postman Butters! [the man crumples up his flyer and tosses is away. Butters ends up in front of City Wok and enters. He approaches the counter]\nTuong Lu Kim: Welcome to Shitty Wok. Can I take a order prease?\nButters: Hello, sir. Postman Butters here with a special delivery for you.\nTuong Lu Kim: [leaves the counter] Wha you talking 'bout?\nButters: It's a coupon for a brand-new Asian restaurant that just opened up in town.\nTuong Lu Kim: A what? Ret me see that! [grabs the flyer] Oh no, a sushi prace? How come every time a hard-working Chinese man open a business, some shmelly Japanese dog has to come and try invade him?!\nButters: Uhhhh I don't know, I'm just bein' paid to hand out flyers.\nTuong Lu Kim: Where is this Japanese-uh toiret bowl?! How far from my Shitty Wok?!\nButters: Wuh you mean the sha-sushi restaurant? Ih-it's right over there.\nTuong Lu Kim: What?! Whaaat?! [runs outside and looks both ways. He looks to his left again... There it is: City Sushi, complete with cat statues] What the fuuuck?! [goes inside]\nScene Description: Inside City Sushi. Butters follows Mr. Kim in\nMr. Takiyama: Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order prease?\nTuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my Shitty Wok?!\nMr. Takiyama: I'm sorry I do not understand your accent. You want a Shitty tuna roll?\nTuong Lu Kim: No I don't want Shitty tuna roll! I want you to go find another shitty town to open your Shitty Sushi prace!\nMr. Takiyama: Why don't you please ujust speak Engrish? Maybe I can understand you!\nTuong Lu Kim: I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you soba eating fuck!\nMr. Takiyama: Get out or I call porice!\nTuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't wanna eat this-a Shitty Sushi! It give you worms.\nMr. Takiyama: Better than Shitty Kung Pao Chicken made from cat! [Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takiyama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Sgt. Yates and another office bring Butters home. Sgt. Yates knocks, Mr. Stotch answers\nSteven: Hello?\nSgt. Yates: Sir, does this mailman belong to you?\nStephen: That's my son. Is there a problem, officer?\nSgt. Yates: There's been an Asian turf war, sir, and your son appears to have caused it.\nStephen: What?! An Asian turf war- Butters! You are grounded!\nButters: But, sir, i was just handing out coupons for-\nStephen: Don't talk back to me! [Butters goes inside]\nSgt. Yates: We'll send a bill for the damages, [the officers turn and leave] but in the meantime, please keep a closer eye on your child, sir? [Stephen closes the door]\nScene Description: Butters' house, inside. Linda meets Stephen at the foot of the stairs as he has words with Butters\nStephen: Go up to your room, now! [Butters goes upstairs]\nLinda: What's going on?\nStephen: Butters started an Asian turf war!\nLinda: Oh, for the love of Pete! What is wrong with that boy?\nStephen: I don't know, but it's clear it isn't our parenting! We're awesome! He must have mental problems. I think we'd batter have him checked out, Linda.\nScene Description: Center for Criminally Insane Children. Inside, a doctor is in a lab with Butters as Linda and Stephen wait outside. The doctor opens the door and sighs. He meets with Butters' parents.\nStephen: Well, Dr. Janus?\nDr. Janus: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your son is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.\nLinda: What?\nDr. Janus: There are several distinct personalities going on in there. One is named \"Postman Butters\" and yet another is \"Fireman Butters.\" And then there's even \"Inspector Butters\" and uh, \"Professor Chaos\".\nLinda: Oh my God!\nDr. Janus: From what I gather, he seems to mostly jump in and out of personalities when he's outside playing. Sometimes he's a cowboy and other times he's an Indian, and the two seem to be at constant odds.\nLinda: Oh, poor Butters!\nStephen: Doctor, what can we do? Should we ground him?\nDr. Janus: No, I don't think grounding him would do much good at this point. [glances at Butters] What your son needs now is lots of tender loving... medication. Heavy medication.\nScene Description: News report, outside the two Asian restaurants, day\nField reporter: \nTuong Lu Kim: [comes out of his restaurant and sees the sign] What the fuuuck?! [goes into City Sushi] You see what happen?!\nMr. Takiyama: I told you not to come in here!\nTuong Lu Kim: Now everyone in town think a Chinese and a Japanese are the same fucking thing!\nMr. Takiyama: I don't even know what the fuck you are saying! Uhpupuh putuh peepee!\nTuong Lu Kim: Aaah you Japanese racist! [Mr. Kim launches at Mr. Takiyama like he did before, and they trade blows again.]\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. Steven is reading the newspaper at his den.\nLinda: [runs in] Stephen! Stephen, come quick! It's butters! [runs off. He follows her out. They reach the backyard] Look!\nButters: [pretending he's a trucker in his cab] Honk honk! Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9. It's clean clear out to Flagtown! Looks like we got ourselves a convoy! Honk honk!\nLinda: Now he thinks he's a truck driver. [cries into Stephen's shoulder]\nStephen: Oh God the medication isn't working!\nButters: It's okay, buddy, you've got a smokey on your tail, bug Big Rig Butters is here to help! Vroovrooom. [Stephen runs up to him]\nStephen: Butters! Butters!! [grabs Butters by the shoulders and shakes him hard] BUTTERRRRS!\nButters: Oh hey Dad.\nStephen: You're back. You're back-he's back! [Stephen hugs Butters tight and cries.] I love you son!\nButters: I love you too, Dad.\nStephen: You're going to be okay Butters! You hear me?! YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY! [Linda whimpers a bit]\nScene Description: City Sushi, day. Mr. Kim enters\nMr. Takiyama: Youuu, get out! I told you not to come in here!\nTuong Lu Kim: Okay, whoa, just hold a minute, hold a minute. I come ina peace.\nMr. Takiyama: I don't berieve you!\nTuong Lu Kim: Come on, rook! All this fighting, it's just to sirry, you know? Chinese anda Japanese been fighting for so rong. It'sa ridicurous. What we need... is to have a tweaty.\nMr. Takiyama: What is tweaty?\nTuong Lu Kim: Nono, we need a tweaty.\nMr. Takiyama: A tweaty?\nTuong Lu Kim: No, not a treaty, a tweaty!\nMr. Takiyama: Oh, you mean a treaty?\nTuong Lu Kim: What the fuck is a tweaty?\nMr. Takiyama: No no, a treaty.\nTuong Lu Kim: A tweaty? [no response] Rook rook. All these racist people thinka that a Chinese and a Japanese are the same, right? So you and me, we put on a big assembry for all the kids are school, and then everyone understand curtural difference. You know, so they know fried rice isn't from Japan and teriyaki isn't from China.\nMatt: Teriyaki isn't from China?\nTuong Lu Kim: [screams in his face] No, teriyaki isn't froma fucking China!\nMr. Takiyama: Very well. I will do assembly with you.\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh really? Oh great. [backs away] Okay, I'll meet you tomorrow and we can go over our prans. [turns around] And when you get to that assembry, you gonna get big surprise, you Japanese dog.\nScene Description: Dr. Janus' lab, day.\nDr. Janus: Butters, when you were playing in the yard yesterday, do you remember becoming someone named... Big Rig Butters?\nButters: Sure.\nDr. Janus: What makes Big Rig Butters come out? Did somebody hurt him? Did he do something bad he can't forgive himself for?\nButters: Uh, no, he's pretty much just a truck driver.\nDr. Janus: You don't know. But, maybe somebody else in there does. Do you think it would be possible for me to speak with... Inspector Butters?\nButters: Sure.\nDr. Janus: I'm now speaking to the person known as Inspector Butters.\nButters: Inspector Butters is on the case! Heheh, he this is fun.\nDr. Janus: Inspector Butters, what do you want?\nButters: Uh, well, to solve mysteries.\nDr. Janus: And is there someone else living with you, someone named... Professor Chaos?\nButters: Oh well, sure, uh he's the bringer of destruction and evil!\nDr. Janus: He's a bad man. He doesn't like Butters, does he? Does Professor Chaos want to murder Butters?\nButters: What? Why would I do that?\nDr. Janus: Who am I speaking to now?\nButters: Me, Butters.\nDr. Janus: Ah, Butters. You're back.\nButters: Sir, I'm confused.\nDr. Janus: I know you are. This is going to sound scary, pal, but... you have people living inside your head. And some of them want to murder you.\nButters: Really?\nDr. Janus: Yes, I'm afraid you're a little sick. But it's okay, because together we're going to get you well.\nAlias 1: [a teenaged personality] Don't listen to Dr. Janus! He's a mean old man and a big silly grown up.\nButters: Pardon me?\nAlias 1: He's just a big old stick in the mud who doesn't like to play.\nDr. Janus: Don't mind him, Butters. Billy's a pretty messed up kid. He was molested by his uncles.\nPsycho Janus: Dr. Janus isn't going to be alive for long! I'm going to kill him!\nDr. Janus: Now, what are the things that make you happy, Butters? What's the matter, Butters? Are you still with us? Is one of your other personalities trying to take over?\nBilly: Let's play Battleship! All hands on the poop deck!\nPsycho Janus: Your soul will bleed for eternity!\nAlias 2: You don't even know what sexy is, Mr. Harrison.\nAlias 3: That Big Red freshness lasts right through it!\nAlias 4: The horned toad says we should go to Mexico. [Butters doesn't know what to make of this doctor, and now he's afraid]\nDr. Janus: What are you feeling, Butters? Are you nervous about your condition?\nButters: Yes!\nScene Description: Butter's bedroom, later. He's looking at a video he took of himself on his computer\nButters: [a recording] This... is Butters. It's Wednesday night at 9 p.m. From what I understand, there are people living inside my head and they want to kill me. It must be true, because now every night I wet the bed. So tonight I'm gonna leave the camera on to see what exactly I become while I am sleeping.\nButters: Oh man, this is freaky. Like that movie Paranormal.\nButters: [a recording] Well goodnight for now. [leaves the desk and goes to bed] Goodnight, Butters.\nButters: Goodnight, Butters. Hmm. Alright, I guess I'm goin' to fast-forward. [fast-forwards three hours and then gasps. At normal speed, his bedroom door opens slowly. A second later, Dr. Janus enters] Dr. Janus? [nothing happens for three more hours, so Butters fast-forwards to 3:32 in the morning, when Dr. Janus unzips his pants, pulls out his dick and urinates all over Butters, puts his penis away, zips his pants up, and punches Butters HARD several times before running out of the bedroom. Six seconds later, Butters is fully awake]\nButters: [a recording] Mom! Dad! I wet the bed again!\nButters: Oh, sweet jumping Jesus!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium, day. An Asian diversity poster is up on the projection screen. Mr. Mackey walks up next to it\nMr. Mackey: Okay, kids, today we have a special assembly, m'kay. Today we're going to learn about \"the diversity of Asian people.\" Please welcome Mr. Lu Kim and Mr. Junichi Takiyama. [Walks away. \"Shake that.\" A techno song comes on, followed my Mr. Kim and Mr. Takiyama dancing into view]\nTuong Lu Kim: Ni hao ma, South Park Erementary?!\nMr. Takiyama: Konnichiwa?!\nTuong Lu Kim: How are we arr feering?! [the music stops and the stand back to back] Hey, Mr. Takiyama, did you know that China and Japan are actually uh different countries?\nMr. Takiyama: Oh, rearry? [they separate] Hey, that ruhight. If you ook at map, you can see.\nTuong Lu Kim: This whoooore thing is China, and Japan is this riiittle bitty country over here. And that's why the Japanese always try anda take over China!\nMr. Takiyama: What?!\nTuong Lu Kim: The Japanese planned to kill people in Nanking! The only thing Japanese ruve more than killing people is killing themselves! Suicide rate in Japan sky-high!\nMr. Takiyama: Fuck you!\nTuong Lu Kim: \"Oh no, I'm a Japanese and I had a bad day! I think I'm gonna kill myself!\"\nScene Description: Dr. Janus' lab, day. Mr. Janus leaves it, but is surprised to find Butters waiting for him\nDr. Janus: Oh, hello Butters. I wasn't expecting you till 5:30.\nButters: [nervous] Uh, yeah, Dr. Janus, I wanted to give you something. You remember how you told me if I got myself on video it might help me with my problem?\nDr. Janus: Yes. did you catch something?\nButters: Well yeah ah, I saw you pissing in my face.\nDr. Janus: [sees the DVD disc and snatches it away, then checks it over] Oh, so you're on to me, huh you little shit?!\nButters: Huh?\nDr. Janus: What, Inspector butters figured out I set him up?!\nButters: Well no, ah I just thought it was one of your other personalities trying to give me a-\nDr. Janus: Oh come on! You think multiple personality disorder is real?! I've been using that to scam this town for seven years! Now I gotta get out of here, thanks to you! But I'm getting one last heist before I go, and you're gonna help me!\nScene Description: A jewelry shop, closed for the night. Dr. Janus destroys a window with a crow bar, then lifts Butters into the shop\nDr. Janus: Get in there! Move it, asshole!\nButters: This is illegal. We could get arrested. [Dr. Janus breaks into some display cases and swipes the jewels into a satchel that Butters is carrying] Oh Jesus!\nDr. Janus: They're all idiots! The vault! Get to the vault! Come on! Go! Movie it! [puts some welding goggles on Butters while getting a welding torch and firing it up] Get this on and get in that vault! That's where the real good are! [hands the lit torch to Butters] Torch that door, do you hear me?! I'll kill your parents! I'll kill your friends! I said get that fucking door open!\nButters: I'm trying, sir! [this changes Dr. Janus' behavior]\nDr. Janus: Butters? Butters, what are you doing? What is that? A blowtorch? Put that down! You're having another episode!\nButters: What?\nDr. Janus: Butters. Your name is Butters! Try and remember!\nButters: But you said to uh, but I got to uh, and then, you told me tuh...\nDr. Janus: [sighs loudly] Oh boy, you've really done it this time. I know it's not your fault, but I'm sorry. I'm going to have to alert the authorities, pal.\nScene Description: Delia's Jewelers, day. Dr. Janus addresses the crowd and the police\nDr. Janus: We have to try and understand that he can't help what he's doing, officer. He probably has no memory of it at all.\nSgt. Yates: Well, at least everything is accounted for. Thank God you came when you did, Dr. Janus.\nSteven: Breaking into a store, Butters?! What are you?!\nSgt. Yates: Well I suppose there's no need for jail, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, so long as you ground your son.\nSteven: Oh, we'll ground the shit out of him, detective. Thank you so much.\nScene Description: City Sushi, day. Mr. Takiyama is preparing some sushi behind the counter when Mr. Kim enters\nTuong Lu Kim: Herro-o.\nMr. Takiyama: You get the fuck out of my place!\nTuong Lu Kim: Okay, hold on, hold on, please! I'ma sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I admit it. I fucked you at the assembly. How about you and me together do an Asian Diversity festival?\nMr. Takiyama: Get the fuck out before I call police!\nTuong Lu Kim: Please, I admitting it, okay?I fucked you at assembly. There's no way around it. It was verrry sneaky. Kind of like Pearl Harbor. Okay? That was a little sneaky too, huh? Pearl Harbor kind of sneaky; I think we can all be a rittle sneaky sometimes, hm? But that sneaky Chinese man? He's gone! Okay? Okay, if we can have Asian Diversity festival, then we no longer have to deal witha \"recial stereotypes.\" Prease.\nMr. Takiyama: Against my better judgment, I will trust you one more time. But this time, you'd better not rub your hands together when you turn around to walk away.\nTuong Lu Kim: Okay, see you tomorrow. [turns around and walks away, but stops long enough to rub his hands together] And on that Asian Diversity day you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japanese dog. [continues on his way]\nScene Description: Butters' backyard. His Postman Butters uniform is on the ground, and he pours some gas on it. He then lights it and begins throwing in more of his costumes, which are in a cardboard box labeled \"Butters' Play Clothes\"\nButters: That does it, you hear me?! I am through with all of you! No more Postman Butters, No more Inspector Butters, no more Porn Star Butters, no more Professor Chaos, and no more- [a bicycle horn stops him, and he holds on to his Professor Chaos mask. He looks over and sees Dr. Janus on a child's tricycle glaring at him] Waaahh! [runs away. As he does, he tosses the Professor Chaos mask back into the cardboard box. Butters runs into the neighborhood park. Dr. Janus chases him down and tackles him there.]\nDr. Janus: Butters please! It's me, Billy! You've gotta help! [moments later they are seated on a park bench] Please, Butters, I've tried to tell old Dr. Janus that we're in danger, but Dr. Janus doesn't rrealize thaere's a problem! [stands up and walks around] The mean man that lives in our head is trying to take over for good!\nButters: [sees a couple walking by] Um, excuse me?\nDr. Janus: [running around the bench to quickly distract Butters] No no nonono! Don't call out for help! [Dr. Janus opens his sports coat and points to a sidearm] He's got a gun.\nButters: Wahh!\nDr. Janus: If you draw any attention he'll kill us!\nButters: Please, Billy, ah I'm just a kid too. I can't help you.\nDr. Janus: No, you can't. But you know somebody who can. Inspector Butters.\nButters: What??\nDr. Janus: You've got to become Inspector Butters again and help me find out what the mean man wants.\nButters: No! You told me NOT to play Inspector Butters!\nDr. Janus: You don't understand! For some reason the mean man is getting stronger. You have to help me find out how to stop him! Please! [Butters sighs]\nScene Description: South Park's Little Tokyo presents \"Asian Diversity Day.\" A pagoda now stands between the two restaurants, and all three buildings are decorated with strings of lights, dragons, fish, and other motifs. Both restaurants are also offering samples of their menus. Here's a news report\nField reporter: \nA woman: Mr. Takiyama, a note for you. [Mr. Takiyama takes the note and reads it]\nTuong Lu Kim: [voice-over] Konnichiwa, my fine Japanese friend. It's so great that Chinese and Japanese are finarry getting arong. We should take our picture together on top of the Tower of Peace. I'm up there waiting for you now. [Mr. Takiyama looks up, but doesn't see anyone up there] Prease, come meet me on top of the Tower of Peace. It would be rearry nice. [Tuong Lu Kim's image begins to rubs its hands together] Yesss, and when you get to the top of that tower you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japane- Oh, sorry. Anyway, see you on top of tower! [Mr. Takiyama leaves his sample display booth and goes into the tower]\nScene Description: Meanwhile, in a mansion, Dr. Janus and Butters walk around with flashlights\nDr. Janus: [as Billy] Dr. Janus sure has a big house, dudn't he? He's planning on hurting people; I just know it!\nButters: It's okay, Billy, we're gonna get to the bottom of this.\nDr. Janus: This is kinda fun. You're Inspector Butters and I'm your faithful assistant, Dr. Watson!\nButters: Well alright, Watson, well let's find out what we need to and get out of here!\nDr. Janus: Yeah! [Dr. Janus takes over] Butteers, what are you doing in my house?\nButters: Hah?\nDr. Janus: Oh dear. It's okay, Butters. You just think you're Inspector Butters right now.\nButters: Aw man.\nDr. Janus: [escorts Butters to the front door] Come on, let's get you home. [Billy takes over] Where are ya gon', Butters?\nButters: Oh, come on!\nDr. Janus: You aren't leaving here, Inspector! None of you are!\nButters: AAAAAAAAAAA! [runs away. Dr. Janus follows him upstairs] AAAAAAAAAAA!\nDr. Janus: Butters, come on! Try and come back to us! [Mean Guy takes over] You can't run forever! [pizza delivery man takes over] Excuse me, did someone order a pizza? [Dr. Janus takes over] Yes, that was me, but I'm a little busy at the moment. I'll be right back! [Mean Guy takes over as Butters enters an attic room or a penthouse floor] You'll never turn me in, Inspector Butters! You're dead!\nButters: Waaaa! [runs to the end of a hall and knocks on the door found there. The door opens and he falls into a room. He looks up and gasps at what he sees: walls covered in newspaper headlines about City Sushi and its chef, and one word written in blood: KILL. Dr. Janus reaches the room and Butters looks over his shoulder. Dr. Janus squints his face and combs over his hair: it's...]\nTuong Lu Kim: They wanna take over my Shitty Woookk?! Hory crap, what time is it? [checks his watch] Oh no, I'm rate! [turns around and runs downstairs, leaving Butters quite confused]\nScene Description: The Tower of Peace, night. Tuong Lu Kim runs upstairs and reaches the top, and sighs\nMr. Takiyama: What took you so long?!\nTuong Lu Kim: [takes out a cigarette, clips the end off, and lights it] Yes, I'm afraid my Tower of Peace was a rittle bit of trickery, Mr. Japanese dog. I'm going to put an end to you, and everyone gonna think it's just because you did what Japanese people ruve doing most. \"No, don't do it! Don't kill yourself, prease!\" [jumps on Mr. Takiyama and grabs him by the throat]\nMr. Takiyama: Urgh. Fuck you! I'ma not trying to kill myself!\nTuong Lu Kim: \"No, don't do it, prease!\" [some sirens are heard below] \"So much to rive for!\" [floodlights quickly find the two chefs, and they stand down]\nSgt. Yates: [through his bullhorn] This is South Park Police!\nTuong Lu Kim: Porice?! How?!\nSgt. Yates: We know the truth, Dr. Janus!\nMr. Takiyama: Thisa Chinise rat trying to kill me!\nSgt. Yates: He's not Chinese! He's white!\nTuong Lu Kim: What the fuck you talkin' about?!\nSgt. Yates: [enunciating] Your name is Dr. Janus!\nTuong Lu Kim: You people crazy! [Billy takes over] Listen to them! It's true! [Mean Guy takes over] Truth hurts, doesn't it, Janus! [Dr. Janus takes over] Who are you people?! Why are you all here?!\nMr. Takiyama: How could I ret myself berieve white man was a Chinese?! I have brought shame upon myself! [gets on the balcony and jumps off] Nooooo, this is racial stereotaipuuu! [crashes into his own restaurant, destroying it and dying upon impact]\nScene Description: Park County Police station, night. The police are talking to Butters and his parents\nSteven: So you're telling us that Dr. Janus has been the owner of City Wok all this time?\nSgt. Yates: That's right. Of all his multiple personalities, the strongest was Lu Kim. And we never would have known... if it hadn'ta been for Inspector Butters. [the other officers present give Butters a round of applause.]\nButters: Thanks. I'm just glad the whole thing is over and done. Maybe now poor old Dr. Janus can finally get the help he needs.\nSteven: Yes Butters. Thanks to you, maybe Dr. Janus can get back to his real self.\nSgt. Yates: [walks off] Yes, I'm sure he could. But, then again, [stops, then turns around] does the world really need another therapist?\nSteven: Whattaya mean?\nSgt. Yates: Well I mean, would it really be so bad for us to just let him go on thinking he's Lu Kim forever? Now that City Sushi is gone, City Wok is the only Chinese restaurant left in town.\nDesk officer: Oh yeah.\nBlack officer: Yeah. Let's just let him keep believing he's a Chinese man.\nSgt. Yates: Done!\nOther officers: Good! Alright! Alright! Yeah!\nBlond officer: Detective, he's asking for a blanket. Is that alright?\nSgt. Yates: Go ahead. We're gonna process him and get him back to the restaurant. [the officer who conveyed the request carries a blanket back to Tuong Lu Kim's cell. He enters...]\nTuong Lu Kim: Thank you. [...and leaves. The guard by the door locks it] \"Oooooo, I hate Japanese people! They try and shut down my Shitty Wok, but they never wiiiiill. They're probably all ratching me, the Japanese. Ret them! I'm not even gonan swat that fryyy. They'll see. And they'll say 'Wow, that Shitty Wok owner. Why, he wouldn't even harm a fryyyyy.'\" [City Wok is shown one more time]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, day. The boys are singing \"Happy Birthday\" to Stan. After that, Stan blows out the two Terrance and Phillip candles adorning the cake. Sharon takes a picture\nBoys: Yay! [Liane sits next to Cartman with a camera of her own]\nCartman: Alright now, open presents! Open presents!\nButters: Yeah! Open mine first Stan! It's the red one! [Stan reaches over and opens it]\nCartman: Where's mine? Where's mine where's mine where's mine?\nLiane: [reaches under the table and gives Cartman a gift] Here you go, sweetie.\nCartman: Yaaaay!\nKyle: Wait wait it-it's Stan's birthday.\nLiane: Yes. Every time somebody gets a birthday present Eric gets one too. [in a softer voice] Otherwise, he gets a little upset.\nCartman: [eagerly opening his own gift] What'd I get what'd I get what'd I get?\nKyle: Oh God...\nStan: [opening his gift] Oh cool, Legos. Thanks, Butters.\nButters: I know how you like Legos. Happy birthday!\nCartman: Oh cool! I got a racing game for Xbox! [Speed Zone for XBOX 360] D'you guys see that? Coool, huh?\nKyle: Here, this one's from me, Stan.\nStan: Oh thanks, dude.\nCartman: Stan's getting another present, Mom.\nLiane: Here you are, muffin. [throws up another gift]\nCartman: Yaaaay! [rips the wrapper off] Oh cool, look. A Ben 10 Wrist Rocket! This is exactly what I wanted for Stan's birthday! What'd you get Stan?\nStan: Oh cool, is this the new Gersploosh album?\nKyle: Yeah dude!\nSharon: [walks up behind Stan] Uh, hold it. Is that a Tween Wave band?\nKyle: Yeah they're the best!\nSharon: Sorry, Stan. you know you're not allowed to listen to this stuff.\nStan: Mom, I'm 10 years old now.\nSharon: I've told you what I think of this music, Stanley. You have plenty of other gifts to enjoy.\nCartman: Looks like somebody's on the rag, huh Mom?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the kitchen washing dishes. Randy peeks in from the dining room, then walks into the kitchen\nRandy: Sharon? Stan told me you took away his music CD at his birthday party.\nSharon: Oh for crying out loud, I gave him a great party and that's all he cares about.\nRandy: Well, do you really think we should be telling our son what music he can and can't listen to?\nSharon: Yes I do, if it's that stupid Tween Wave garbage!\nRandy: Tween Wave?\nSharon: You haven't heard it? It's terrible! It's hardly even music; it just sounds like crap!\nRandy: Sharon, come on. Don't you remember being younger and having our parents say the music we liked sounded like crap?\nSharon: This is different!\nRandy: [waits a few seconds] ...So. Here we are. Now we're the old people who think the younger generation's music sounds like shit.\nSharon: [stops washing and turns around] It's... not because I'm older. I'm telling you, our music is better.\nRandy: [mimicking an elderly man] \"Back in my day our music was better! Not this garbage the young 'un listen to. Warber warber warber.\"\nSharon: Fine, Randy! [hands him the CD] You go listen to it and tell me you don't think it sounds like crap! [goes back to washing dishes]\nRandy: I'd love to. I'm not an old fuddy-duddy, Sharon. I'm still cool. [walks out and towards his den.]\nScene Description: The den. Randy pops the CD into the CD drive on his computer, puts on his headphones, and listens. The song he hears starts with a good beat, and he bobs up and down ever so slightly to it, but then explosive diarrhea is heard, and Randy is startled. He makes sure it's not him farting or anything. Sharon appears at the doorway with hands on hips\nSharon: Well, it sounds like crap, right?!\nRandy: Uh... NO I mean... [looks at Sharon] I like it.\nSharon: Oh come on! That music sounds like shit!\nRandy: No, it's just... young and hip so you don't get it, Sharon.\nSharon: Admit it, Randy! You think it sounds like crap too!\nRandy: It doesn't sound like crap at all! I think it's awesome! [turns towards the computer. Sharon walks away exasperated. Randy clicks his fingers, but the farts noises keep coming and Randy keeps wincing]\nScene Description: CNN Headline News\nAnchorman: It's called Tween Wave, and if you're a parent your kids are probably listening to it. A new music genre for the era from 2009 through 2012. or \"The Tweens.\" Every generation has their music, but many parents say Tween Wave sounds like crap.\nMan 1: It's just vulgar and stupid, you know? Music used to be good.\nWoman 1: This sounds like poo.\nMan 2: [an elderly man] I certainly don't understand kids' music today. Sounds like diarrhea to me.\nAnchorman: Kids however say they don't hear crap at all.\nKid 1: Parents are dumb.\nKid 2: They don't get it.\nKid 1: They don't get it. Parents are stupid.\nKid 3: Tween Wave is swick.\nKid 4: Tweem Wave is super swick and parents don't get it, 'cause their ears are old.\nKid 5: Parents are dumb.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys' parents are gathered in the living room except for Randy\nSharon: We're sorry boys, but we have all decided that as of now, none of you are allowed to listen to Tween Wave music.\nRandy: [sitting with the boys] Ugh, that's so unfair!\nKyle: But that's our music! We like it!\nRandy: Yeah it's good!\nSheila: What's good about a bunch of crap sounds to a drumbeat?\nStan: We don't know what you're talking about! It doesn't sound that way to us!\nRandy: Yeah it, it doesn't sound like that to us.\nGerald: I wanna educate you kids with some real music. [pops in a CD of The Police's \"Synchronicity\"] This is The Police. Now you compare this to Tween pop and tell us which one you think is real music. [presses Play and \"Every Breath You Take\" starts up, but instead of lyrics you hear poop sounds]\nThe boys: Yuck!\nRandy: What?\nStan: That sounds like shit!\nGerald: Whattaya mean it sounds like shit? This doesn't sound like shit.\nKyle: Gross!\nCartman: Turn it off dude!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night, Stan's room. Stan is in bed and Sharon is about to leave the room\nSharon: Stanley I want you to understand that even though I won't let you listen to certain kinds of music, I still love you.\nStan: I know, Mom. I love you too.\nSharon: Soon you'll be old enough to make your own choices, but for now, I just don't want you listening to that stuff.\nStan: It's okay, Mom. I understand.\nSharon: That's very mature of you, Stanley. Goodnight, sweetie. [Stan turns away and closes his eyes.]\nStan: 'Night. [Sharon turns off the lights and closes the door. A few seconds later, Stan opens his eyes and looks at the door to make sure his mom isn't looking at him. Then he reaches under the mattress and pulls out his iPod] Haha. [listens to some music. Soon some shitty sounds creep in] Ugh. [tries some other tracks, but each one has poop noises in it. He sits up] What the hell? [tries more tracks, but all he hears now is shit]\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle are listening to songs on their iPods\nKyle: [to Cartman] Oh dude! Dude, this is the part I was talking about. Check out the bassline on this! [has Cartman listen to his song]\nCartman: Oh yeah, that one's cool. [gets into the rhythm] Yeah, this part's killer. [looks like he's exercising]\nKyle: [seeing Stan approach] Hey Stan. [hands Cartman his iPod]\nStan: Hey dudes.\nKyle: Dude, have you really listened to the sixth track? I think it's my new favorite.\nStan: Yeah, yeah I've listened to it. Um, Kyle, can I talk to you alone for a second?\nKyle: Sure. [they walk off to a small clearing] What's up?\nStan: Kyle, I have to admit something to you. You know how I told you over the phone I like the new Gersploosh album? I lied. I don't like it. I don't like it at all, Kyle.\nKyle: Oh. Really? Um well that's okay.\nStan: No, you don't understand dude. Something's happened. Tween Wave doesn't sound the same to me.\nKyle: Why? What's it sound like?\nStan: It... kind of sounds like shit.\nKyle: What? You mean like you don't like the singing, or the lyrics, or what?\nStan: No. I mean it sounds like somebody is shitting in my ears. Please, just listen really close. [has Kyle listen to a track] You don't hear shit?\nKyle: No.\nStan: That doesn't sound like shit to you?\nKyle: NO. Dude, maybe you should see a doctor.\nScene Description: A doctor's office, day. Stan took Kyle's advice. A doctor is checking Stan's ears\nStan: And so then I put on exactly the same album that I really like a year ago, and it sounded like shit to me.\nDoctor Caroll: Uh huh, and what about food? Are some of the things you thought tasted good tasting like shit to you now, too?\nStan: Yeah. I used to love these Pop Rock things, and I tried them the other day and I thought they tasted like shit.\nDoctor Caroll: [reads his medical file] This says you had a birthday recently?\nStan: I just turned 10.\nDoctor Caroll: Well, that makes sense. You see Stan, as you get older, your eardrums, taste buds, all that stuff develops and changes.\nStan: So this is normal?\nDoctor Caroll: It's very normal. Let's just do a quick ear exam. I'm gonna play some Tween Wave music and you tell me what you hear. [plays some music, with lots of fart sounds] What's that sound like to you?\nStan: Sounds like shit.\nDoctor Caroll: Aha. Now I'm going to play you some good ole Bob Dylan. [plays a Dylan track. Dylan gets through three syllables before fart sounds replace him.]\nStan: Uh that sounds like shit too.\nDoctor Caroll: Wait, this sounds like shit to you?\nStan: Yeah dude, it's just shit.\nDoctor Caroll: Well that's very strange. [turns off the player] Hm, I'm gonna try somethin' else. [takes two pictures up to Stan] Look at these two pictures. One of them is an ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. Which one is the ad for The Zookeeper?\nStan: They both look the same. [true enough, except for the turds]\nDoctor Caroll: You don't see any difference in the pictures?\nStan: No.\nDoctor Caroll: [holds up the picture in his right hand] That is an ad for The Zookeeper and [holds up the picture in his left hand] that is a turd about to be reheated.\nStan: They both look like turds about to be reheated to me.\nDoctor Caroll: Oh dear. I think I know what this is. You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit. And things that seemed shitty as a child don't seem as shitty. With you, somehow, the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It's a condition called \"being a cynical asshole.\"\nStan: Oh no.\nDoctor Caroll: Yes. And there's no known cure, I'm afraid. Everything just seems shitty, and everyone starts to seem shitty, and everything they say just starts to [sounds shitty now, and Stan can't believe his ears. Soon, shit comes out of the doctor's mouth and Stan is more horrified]\nScene Description: Randy's den, night. Randy has transformed it into a mancave, with disco ball and clothes strewn everywhere. Randy is reading Rolling Stone and listening to Tween Wave music through his headphones\nSharon: [walking by] Randy, do you mind cleaning up the garage like I asked you?\nRandy: Get out of my room! I'm listening to my music! Gau!\nSharon: Stop pretending to like the kids' music, Randy! It's pathetic! You know damn well it sounds like crap to you too!\nRandy: No it doesn't sound like crap to me! [one pooping sound and the headphones are off] Ugh. [gets up and walks around angrily]\nSharon: Randy, don't you see what this is? You had dreams of being a rock star when you were younger, now you can't admit the next generation's music sounds shitty, it's called \"getting older\", Randy. It's okay.\nRandy: That's not true! I think Tween Wave music is complex and awesome and it speaks to my youthful rebellious spirit, Sharon!\nSharon: It's crap, Randy! It's so simple and stupid that anybody could play it!\nRandy: Anybody could play it. Do you really think so?\nScene Description: The bowling alley, night. \"Steamy Ray Vaughn\", who turns out to be Randy, is performing. Randy is tuning up when he turns to face his audience\nRandy: Hey everybody. Wanna thank you all for coming tonight. My name's Steamy Ray Vaughn and here's a little bit of Rattlesnake. [presses the play button] A-1 2 3 4! I've got a fever but it's under control! [fart noises, courtesy of his own butt] I said I've got a fever need to take it kind of slow [more fart noises. A janitor listens in] I've got a fever but it's out of control. Ga ga, ga ga, la ga ga ga. [more fart noises.]\nBar Patron: You suck!\nRandy: No, you just don't understand Tween Wave 'cause you're old! [more fart noises.]\nScene Description: A ranch, day. Two elderly men stand at a fence. One of them is the janitor\nJanitor/Farmer 1: Did you know we're livin' in the Tween time?\nFarmer 2: Nah, I'd a heard that.\nJanitor/Farmer 1: Guess it's the period between 2009 and 2013. They call it the Tweens. So they got this feller down at the bowling alley? He gets up on the stage an' shits his britches.\nFarmer friend 2: What fer?\nJanitor/Farmer 1: I don't know. But he gets up there and strums a gueetar and then starts loadin' his britches up like it's goin' out of style. [sniffs] It's like some kind of britches holocaust. Feller calls himself Steamy Ray Vaughn.\nFarmer 2: You mean that guy that plays the blues and died in an airplane crash?\nJanitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh. That's Stevie Ray Vaughn. Steamy Ray Vaughn just shits his britches.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is playing a video game as Cartman and Kenny look on\nCartman: Ohooh dude, sweet! Tackle him!\nKenny: (Get him!)\nKyle: Alright guys, do you think he's lying or telling the truth?\nCartman: He's lying, dude. Hit X\nKenny: (No, he's telling the truth) [Stan walks in]\nStan: Hey guys.\nKyle: Hey, Stan. What did the doctor say?\nStan: He said I have cynicism?\nCartman: What's that?\nStan: Something you can get when you get older but, it's stupid. I'm not cynical. All the doctor wants is a paycheck. I went to him for help and he just stood there spouting a bunch of shit.\nKyle: Oh. Well, come on, we're playing L.A. Noire.\nStan: Agh, that shitty game? Who plays video games to listen to a bunch of characters talk and press the X button?\nCartman: Oh, ask him about the murder now, Kyle.\nKyle: Yeah, we got him!\nStan: How can people say this game is cool? It doesn't even matter what choices you make.\nKenny: (Hit the X button, Kyle!)\nKyle: We're gonna level up to detective!\nStan: That's such a shitty device to keep people playing.\nKyle: Alright, ahhh, why don't we do something else?\nScene Description: So the boys are now in a diner eating sundaes\nStan: [looking at his chocolate sundae] Aw, dude, this looks like shit.\nKyle: You don't wanna eat it?\nStan: It just looks like shit to me, a bunch of processed, gooey shit.\nCartman: Look like ice cream to me.\nKyle: Erm, okay, I know. How about we go to the mall?\nStan: Ugh, bunch of people trying to sell us a bunch of shit.\nKyle: Ugh, okay Stan, what do you wanna do?\nStan: What, oh I don't care, I'm cool with whatever.\nScene Description: The bowling alley, night. Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his farmer friend are present\nRandy: City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it]\nFarmer friend 2: Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whoopin' like that.\nJanitor/Farmer 1: I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.\nRandy: City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chattin' with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks.\nSteamy Nicks: [sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins]\nFarmer friend 2: Wait now, who's that lady?\nJanitor/Farmer 1: That there's Steamy Nicks.\nFarmer friend 2: You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song \"Landslide\"?\nJanitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later]\nRandy: Yoyoyo! [more fart sounds]\nSharon: [enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! What the hell do you think you're doing?!\nJanitor/Farmer 1: I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?\nFarmer friend 2: Them britches have had enough!\nScene Description: Ronny's Diner, day. Stan is in a booth, all alone. A waitress comes up\nWaitress: All alone today?\nStan: Yeah it sucks. All my friends are sick with the flu.\nWaitress: Well, what can I get you?\nStan: Do you have anything on the menu that doesn't taste like shit?\nWaitress: A little young to be so pessimistic, aren't ya kid?\nStan: Why? There's nothing but shit on TV, video games are all shit, and the world's a big turd. The only thing that doesn't seem like total shit to me are my friends, and they're all sick. Just, get me a cheeseburger and tell the chef to go easy on the shit. [just outside, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny walk by, not noticing Stan in the diner. Stan, on the other hand, notices them walk by. He quickly leaves the booth and catches up with them outside, where they're happily talking about something.]\nKyle: [laughing] I know! That's so hilarious!\nStan: I thought you guys were sick! [the other boys don't know what to say]\nCartman: ...Uh we'll let you catch up to us, Kyle. Come on, Kenny. [Cartman and Kenny turn and walk away. Stan approaches Kyle]\nStan: Dude, you totally lied to me!\nKyle: No, ah I didn't lie to you. Ah I was um... uh I felt better and then the guys called and said that they felt better and uh-\nStan: Where were you guys going?!\nKyle: Alright dude, we were going to the movies.\nStan: Why didn't you tell me? I wanna go to the movies.\nKyle: Look, Stam, we-we just wanted to be able to go to the movies and enjoy ourselves, you know? I'm sorry but... you're a bummer to be around. Everything is \"that looks like shit\" and, and \"this is shitty!\"\nStan: You guys... don't wanna be around me?\nKyle: Look dude, it's just one movie. We wanna have a good time.\nStan: Please, Kyle, I can change my attitude. I promise. Let me go to the movies with you.\nKyle: [thinks about it, then sighs] Okay. But you've gotta promise to not complain.\nStan: I won't say a word.\nScene Description: The Bijou theater, day. X-Men: First Class is playing. Inside, the theater is barely a fourth full. The boys sit in the third row.\nStan: Oh shit.\nScene Description: The Bijou theater, later on\nStan: Jesus, how long before they start this Goddamned thing?! [apparently trailers are still playing]\nCartman: Oh cool, the movie trailers!\nScene Description: First trailer\nAnnouncer: Adam Sandler is Jack. Adam Sandler is Jill. [Jack and Jill are at a well, and Jill poops on Jack... and they both look like turds]\nStan: Awww God! [squeezes his eyes shut and puts his hand over them]\nKyle: Dude, you said you wouldn't say everything looked like shit!\nStan: Sorry if I see things for what they are! Ok- okay, okay, I'm sorry.\nScene Description: Second trailer\nAnnouncer: [a toilet bowl spews out shit] This November, Adam Sandler shits in your eyes, ears, and mouth. [Some eyes, ear, and mouth are shown separately, and poop lands on each of them] It's Adam Sandler in Pbbbbbt, rated Arg for pirates. Fuck you!\nCartman: That looks pretty good.\nStan: How can you say that looks good?!\nKyle: Shhh, you're doing it again!\nScene Description: Third trailer\nAnnouncer: Jim Carrey has a bunch of turds in his apartment. [dancing turds that create turd sounds, at that]\nStan: [shields his eyes from the shit] Ugh.\nCartman: Stan, knock it off!\nStan: But it's just crap.\nKyle: No, they're penguins! Stop it!\nAnnouncer: [shots of Carrey carrying two turds, slipping on another turd, then taking a crap while two turds look on] It's Jim Carrey in Whatever, You'll Pay To Go See It. Fuck you! July 12.\nScene Description: Fourth trailer\nAnnouncer: The President of the United States... is a duck?? [the duck pops up and opens its beak, which issues forth lots of shit] A duck is President and the whole country is goin' to the dogs. [two dogs are shown. One of them has his ass to the camera, and it begins to poop] Or whatever, the President is a dog. [the dog and duck now stand before a U.S. flag] Who cares? Coming June something. [a bunch of poop hits the scene, landing on the dog and duck and spelling out \"JUNE\"]\nStan: Oh come on, people!\nKyle: That's it, Stan! I'm not sitting through a whole movie with you! [leaves his seat and walks out. Kenny and Cartman follow suit]\nStan: Oh dude dude wait, I'm sorry.\nCartman: No, Kyle's right. You suck, dude.\nStan: Me?! Did you see that shit?!\nScene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman turn to leave the theater when Stan catches up to them.\nStan: Hang on guys!\nCartman: Dude, we don't wanna hang out with you anymore! Get it through your head! [he and Kenny leave. Kyle stays behind]\nStan: Kyle?\nKyle: [turns around] Dude, you've... you've changed.\nStan: I haven't changed, the world has. Don't you see it?\nKyle: No. And I don't want to. Look Stan, maybe we should fo- [poop starts coming out of his mouth and spewing all over the place. He then turns into a huge turd - this is how Stan sees him. The rest of us see him normally. Stan turns and walks away. Kyle turns and walks away in the opposite direction]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon can be seen arguing through the living room windows\nRandy: You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!\nSharon: Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!\nRandy: I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!\nSharon: I'm sick of having to...for this! You're 42 years old, Randy!\nRandy: I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!\nSharon: Oh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?!\nScene Description: across the street, behind some bushes, the two elderly men are there observing the argument\nFarmer friend 2: What do you suppose is goin' on in there?\nJanitor/Farmer 1: Sound like Steamy Ray Vaughn is goin' at it with his wife over Steamy Nicks.\nFarmer friend 2: You... sure you wanna do this?\nJanitor/Farmer 1: We got to now, if their fightin' is our best chance tuh save them britches.\nScene Description: back in the house\nSharon: You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef! [the two men slide a side window up ever so quietly, go in, and sneak upstairs]\nRandy: Why can't you ever just support me?!\nSharon: Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!\nRandy: Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!\nSharon: WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with you making the same mistakes again and again?!\nRandy: Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft]\nSharon: I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.\nJanitor/Farmer 1: [the two men sneak out the way they came in] Come on britches, we're settin' you free.\nRandy: I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it.\nSharon: I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me.\nRandy: You kind of seem shitty to me too.\nSharon: People get older, Randy. People grow apart.\nScene Description: Stevie Nicks' \"Landslide\" begins to play. Stan is seen at Stark's Pond looking at it from a bench. Kyle walks up to Stan, but keeps some distance from him, then turns around and walks away. Stan looks at a flower... which has a huge turd growing from it. A bee lands on it. At the house, Shelly and Sharon pack away everything in the kitchen. Later, Randy explains things to Stan as Stan's dresser is being moved. Later, a realtor sets a \"FOR SALE\" sign in place - four bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, back yard. She finishes and walks away. Randy is driving a U-Haul truck and watches the house fade in the distance through the driver's rear-view mirror. Sharon and her kids move into a new place. Sharon works on her room and gives Stan the box for his room. Stan later sits in a swing in the new yard. A small sandlot is nearby. Instead of a wooden fence, the new place has a wrought-iron fence. Stan looks up at the sun, which is a glowing massive turd. Stan is then seen at the cafeteria sitting at a table with a bunch of turds that are supposed to be his classmates. All the food looks like shit too. At night the police arrest the Britches Bandits, the two men who stole Randy's underwear, and take the underwear in for evidence. Cartman and Kyle play a game on Kyle's sofa. They look at each other and seem to reach a mutual understanding, since they smile at each other. Stan walks all alone in South Park and passes a duck in a tux. He stops and looks at the duck, who keeps walking. It looks at him and quacks out shit, which lands on him. The last scene is Stan lying in his new bed, in his new bedroom, looking up at the ceiling."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Daytime at the apartment building Sharon and her kids moved into the last episode. Stan's clock read 6:59 AM. Inside his window you can see Whistlin' Willy's, and beyond that, the South Park Library. Stan had moved to Downtown South Park. The clock strikes 2 and the radio comes on, waking him up. A morning variety radio show comes on\nBig Harry: Oh that's funny, that's real funny. Big Harry and Mike in the Morning talkin' about the new hit movie [poop sounds], a great comedy, starring [poop sounds] and [poop sounds].\nMike: I saw the movie last night, Big Harry, and it made me laugh so hard! This movie's about a [poop sounds] heh, he was suddenly all like [poop sounds] Aw, man it's great!\nBig Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. We'll talk more about it but let's get to some music. The new Tween Wave band [poop sounds] with their song [poop sounds. The song begins to play. Stan sits up and turns the radio off]\nScene Description: Stan sits still for a few seconds, then still half-awake he goes into the shower and just stands there without taking off his hat. Later, he's at table as Sharon prepares breakfast for him. Shelly is sitting right in front of the TV eating cereal\nAnnouncer: Coming this fall to Fox/CBS/FX. Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show! [poop sounds] Dinosaurs! [poop sounds] Lost Humans! [poop sounds] Future, yes! [poop sounds]\nScene Description: Sharon serves Stan his breakfast, which looks to Stan like a long tube of poop topped with a butter square. Stan just look at it, still half-asleep\nSharon: Stanley, eat your waffles. [Stan gets his knife and fork and cuts into the waffles, then starts eating.]\nScene Description: The sidewalk, morning. Stan has finished breakfast and is headed for the school bus stop with his head down. Be begins to hear the other boys as he draws near\nKyle: Oh shut up Cartman! You don't even know what you're talking about!\nCartman: Oh yeah! I saw it on the news, Kyle! The school is gonna make us all get shots again! [at this point Stan stops and stands alongside the other boys, but he's still looking at the ground] But this time it's so that we don't get warts in our vaginas!\nKenny: (Are you serious?!)\nCartman: Yep!\nKyle: That's only a vaccination for girls, stupid!\nCartman: Then why are they sayin' that gettin' vaccinated at school is gonna make us all retarded?\nKyle: [sighs gruffly] Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's!\nCartman: Wait what?\nKyle: That's what they're talking about on the news!\nCartman: Wait, there's a disease called Assburgers?\nKyle: Yes!\nCartman: You are so lying! There's no disease called fuckin' Assburgers!\nKyle: You wanna bet? [begins to move off] Let's go ask my Dad right now!\nCartman: Okay, you're on, Jew! [he and Kenny follow Kyle away. Several seconds later, the bus shows up and Stan gets on. He takes an empty seat and no one sits next to him. He leans against the window, looking very sad]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. Stan is in class, looking sad, and the seats that would hold Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are empty.\nMr. Garrison: And so children, at noon today, all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations, and boys will head on out to recess. [on the blackboard he had written \"HPV Vaccination Day\"]\nButters: Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina?\nMr. Garrison: No. Butters, that's not how it works.\nOfficer Barbrady: [offscreen] Mr. Garrison, [now onscreen] these three boys were caught playing hooky.\nCartman: Did you guys know there's actually a disease called Assburgers? [Stan is hearing everything as if from a distance]\nMr. Garrison: Sit down boys, we'll talk about this later. Right now we're talking about vaginal warts.\nWendy: This isn't fair! How can the school make us get vaccinated?\nButters: You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole?\nCartman: That's right, it's a butt fungus.\nButters: Well I don't want burgers comin' out of my butt!\nStan: [in an angry outburst] God, shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! [looks around glaring at everyone, who look back at him, stunned]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, moments later\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, Stan, you, you've gotta try and pull yourself out of this, m'kay? I know that... your parents recently got divorced. M'kay, that's gotta be hard. I know that's... that's bad. But when you walk around all mopey, m'kay, and sayin' everything is... just shitty, well, that's called bein' a Debbie Downer, Stan. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m'kay. ...I mean you've gotta, you've gotta snap out of it, Debbie. Come on, Debbie, you're even bummin' me out now, m'kay? Your attitude just- just sucks.\nStan: [after a few seconds' silence] I just want everything to go back to the way it was.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, well, that's not gonna happen, Debbie. Okay, you know, uh life, life has to change, m'kay?\nStan: How?... When all the things that made you laugh, just make you sick. How do you go on when nothing makes you happy? [tears start to well up around his eyes]\nMr. Mackey: Huh... e-excuse me a minute, Stan. m'kay? [stands up, goes to his desk, picks up his phone and starts dialing] Uh, hi, Ms. Bronski? Did we vaccinate Stan for the flu last year? We did? Uh oh... I think he's got Asperger's.\nScene Description: Breaking News\nAnnouncer: This is breaking news, from CNN! Or Fox or, whatever. [The logos for Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC go by] Fuck you.\nAnchor: The first documented case of a child developing Asperger syndrome from school vaccinations [a shot of a syringe and the words \"ASPERGER'S SYNDROME\" appear] has put the government in a tight spot. [a shot of Stan] At a press conference today the media heard from the young boy's father, Steamy Ray Vaughn.\nRandy: It's pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent, and then the \"government\" comes along and with one shot turns your child into a \"mentally incapacitated\" freak! I mean look at him. He's disinterested, depressed, self-loathing. It's most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced!\nAnchor: In response to the embarrassment, the President of the United States has passed \"Stan's Bill,\" putting an end to school-mandated vaccinations.\nScene Description: At the White House\nAide 1: Mr. President, the bill is ready. [the duck, wearing a tailor-made suit, quacks, with shit splattering out of its mouth]\nAide 2: Just sign right here, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the document]\nAide 1: Aaand if you could just sign this one as well, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the second document. The parties involved gather for a quick photo opportunity]\nAnchor: It is yet unknown if any other children have contracted from the vaccinations, but if so, multimillion-dollar lawsuits are probably not far behind.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, morning. He's in the kitchen cooking up a bunch of burgers. He's got two patties in a large pan, and he begins to sing.\nCartman: Turn on your heart light. Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow-\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Cartman approaches the nurse's office, having gotten excused from class. He stops, clears his throat, and enters. He starts to moan as he approaches the examination bed. He hops on and sits down\nNurse Bronski: Eric, what is it this time?\nCartman: [coughing somewhat] Fever... Light... lightheadedness... I don't know what's wrong with me.\nNurse Bronski: [puts down her notepad and starts examining him] You don't feel warm.\nCartman: Oh, that's a relief. I thought maybe I had a fever but I- oh OH. Oh my buns! There's a sharp pain in my buns!\nNurse Bronski: Can you lay on your stomach?\nCartman: I-I'll try. I'll try. [lays on his stomach. The nurse sees something under his pants and pulls them back.]\nNurse Bronski: What the? [pulls back the briefs and pulls out a wrapped item, then unwraps it] What is this? A hamburger? [indeed, that's what she's holding]\nCartman: A what??\nNurse Bronski: [pulls out another hamburger] Why are there hamburgers in your underwear?\nCartman: Are you serious? How can there be- [sighs] Oh my God! You're saying I have assburgers??\nNurse Bronski: [pulls out a third hamburger] This doesn't make sense. Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something?\nCartman: What are you talking about?? I got vaccinated from the school, and now clearly I have Assburgers!\nNurse Bronski: Very funny!\nCartman: Well I'm glad you think Assburgers is funny! Just note my condition on your records there!\nNurse Bronski: Get out of my office!\nScene Description: The school hallway. Kyle is at his locker as Wendy approaches.\nWendy: Hey Kyle? [immediately he knows what she's going to ask] Have you heard anything at all from Stan?\nKyle: I've tried, Wendy. I've called him, I've been to his house. But since his diagnosis, all he's done is gotten worse.\nWendy: I don't know what to do. It's like he's... completely turned off.\nBoy 1: Those two should just screw and get it over with!\nBoy 2: Yeaahh...\nKyle: I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know he has an illness, but goddamn, it uh, it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything.\nWendy: Look, maybe what we should do is all go over to his house together, an-and that way we could-\nKyle: [puts his notebook away and closes his locker door] NO. I can't, Wendy. [walking away] All his negativity is starting to make me depressed. I have to let him go. [stops] And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally [makes a fist with his right hand and pounds it into his left palm] positive attitude.\nCartman: [rounds a corner and walks past Wendy and Kyle] Godamned stupid school nurse! Heartless bitch!\nKyle: What's the matter dude?\nCartman: [stops and backs up] I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing! That's what's the matter!\nKyle: You made hamburgers? Well that's awesome! I'd love one. [reaches for a burger and bites into it. That burger might have been in Cartman's underwear] Mmm. Hm, wow [swallows] This is really good, Cartman.\nCartman: Really?\nKyle: Yeah. [a girl walks by] Hey Riley! Try this hamburger. [hands her a burger] Cartman made them himself.\nRiley: [unwraps and eats it] Wow. What is that?\nKyle: Seriously, Cartman. You could make money with these!\nCartman: Gee, thanks Kyle!\nScene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. A researcher takes Sharon and Stan on a tour of the facility\nResearcher: The truth is we still know very little about Asperger syndrome, Mrs. Marsh. All our patients here show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits. [they stop next to a seated man who has wrapped his legs behind his neck and is making bubbles with bubble solution and farts] Good morning Mr. Mathers.\nMr. Mathers: Goodbye, doctor [farts into the blower]\nResearcher: [signs and moves on] It's as if they all have an inability to distinguish from what is socially acceptable and what is not. [they stop by a man urinating on a wall. Sharon and Stan notice what he's doing] We've got a new patient, Martin. I want you to meet Stan.\nMartin: [turns around, still urinating, and Stan gets peed on] Nice to meet you.\nResearcher: [moves on. Martin faces the wall again] Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness. [Stan shakes his head to get the piss off] Asperger's is serious, but unfortunately because of its name people think it's a disease to be made fun of. [the researcher opens a door to Room 209, a room of adults who are mentally deficient in one way or another. The adults are doing odd things and making odd sounds. He enters as Sharon and Stan look on a bit worried.] Alright everyone, let's have a seat. [Martin comes in, still urinating, and takes a seat. Stan finds a spot on a sofa and sits there.] Oh uh, we'll be done at about 5 pm, Mrs. Marsh. I'll call if it's any earlier.\nSharon: Oh, right, uh. Good bye, Stan. I-I love you. [leaves and closes the door. Everyone sits in silence for a few minutes, then]\nResearcher: Alright, are we clear?\nNeo: We're clear! [everyone begins to move normally and arm themselves. They turn into Matrix characters]\nMorpheus: Watch that window, Puck! [Neo gets into position by the window] Everyone, make sure this room isn't bugged! [the others seal the room] Alright Stan, listen up! We don't have a lot of time! You've been told Asperger's is real! It isn't! It's just a front we use to stay hidden!\nStan: Wait, it's not a real illness?\nMorpheus: Of course not! If there was a social development disease, you wouldn't call it Asperger's! That's just, that's just mean! [Stan says silent] There's a big war going on out there, Stan, and we want you to join our fight to bring it all down!\nStan: [gets off the sofa and walks towards the door] Uh, nooo nonono, we're not doing this!\nMorpheus: You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you?! [Stan stops in his tracks, astounded] Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right?\nStan: [turns around] Yeah.\nNeo: So do we. All of us here. We know the truth too.\nMorpheus: We found a way to make it stop, Stan. Now are you interested? Or not?\nScene Description: Cartman Burger, day. Cartman has set up a burger stand in front of his house. Burgers are $5 each. Butters and Kenny are dressed in Cartman Burger uniforms and are helping Cartman run the stand, with Kyle at the grill. To Cartman's left is a booth made from a large Thompson delivery box that now houses a secret last process in burger preparation. A bunch of kids have already gathered and are eating the hottest thing in the neighborhood. Among the bunch are Scott, Craig, Kevin, and Lola. Kevin has just bought his burger and chips\nCartman: Next order, please! Get your Cartman Burgers here, fresh and flavorful.\nClyde: [walking by eating a burger] I just can't believe how yummy these are.\nCartman: There you go, Molly, and a bag of chips.\nMolly: Thanks!\nCartman: How are we doing on those patties, Jew?\nKyle: About three minutes, fatass!\nCartman: Nice!\nButters: Jeez, we're out of finished burgers again, Eric. We need more.\nCartman: It's alright. I think another batch is just finishing off in our top-secret flavor enhancer.\nKyle: [rushes up in time to stop him] Dude, come on Cartman. As employees, don't you think we should get to see what the final secret flavor enhancer is?\nCartman: I'm sorry Kyle, but if we compromise our final cooking process, then our patented flavor will be everywhere, and we'll have to go back to school. Now, let me get those hamburgers. [Kyle may have noticed, but he doesn't say anything about the burgers stuffed down behind Cartman's ass and legs. Cartman goes into the booth, and moments later comes out with a fresh batch of finished burgers] Alright, these are good to go! [More kids have gathered. Among them are Esther, Heidi, Red, Bill, and Tommy.]\nScene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. The people there set up their secret headquarters - computers, monitors, probes, etc.\nMorpheus: Alright, is he ready to be sent in?\nBald guy: He's ready! Beta levels are normal.\nStan: Who are you people?\nMorpheus: We are the Secret Society of Cynics. [walks off a bit and sighs] Everything looks like shit to you, right? What if I were to tell you... that you're seeing the world the way it actually is?\nStan: Huh?\nMorpheus: The world around us has all completely turned to shit. But aliens are putting out a brainwave that keeps most people seeing a false reality\nStan: Aliens?\nMorpheus: Or, robots from the future, whatever. The point is they need to keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance.\nNeo 2: Yeah. Everything used to be awesome and cool, but now everything's gone to shit and nobody knows except us!\nNeo: Yeah!\nStan: Because of aliens? [crosses his arms]\nMorpheus: Or genetically altered humans, whatever, fuck you! All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down. They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you! Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world you once lived in?\nStan: Yeah I'm ready!\nMorpheus: Let's send him in! [a member of the society prepares a drink for Stan - whiskey on the rocks - and gives it to Morpheus, who hands it over to Stan] Drink this. [Stan hesitates, then takes it and drinks it down. He steps outside and everything is as lovely as it ever was. No signs of shit anywhere.]\nStan: Ahhhh! [walks around town looking at it with a new sense of wonder, but his walking is off] Oh coool!\nScene Description: in a theater viewing an Adam Sandler film\nAdam Sandler: Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino?\nJill: I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister.\nStan: [laughs rather heartily, looking drunk] Adam Sandler's funny.\nScene Description: Cartman Burger, day. A crowd of kids has gathered, either enjoying their burgers or waiting in line. The little stand has been replaced by a bigger, studier stand, with a wooden awning along the façade and a covered area behind it. Some makeshift tables have been set out. Butters isn't present yet\nButters: [approaches Kyle] Hey Kyle, you have a visitor. [Kyle leaves to see who it is]\nKyle: Stan? [Stan is looking away, drunk]\nStan: [sees him] Kyle! [falls into Kyle's arms]\nKyle: Hey, Stan!\nStan: [his speech is slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I've been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy. You were right: Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical!\nKyle: Stan, are you alright?\nStan: Yeah dude, I totally get it now. I can see how lame I was saying everything was, was shit.\nKyle: Really? Uh, Stan, that's great. [smiles. Cartman leans back and looks over from the stand]\nStan: [squints his eyes] But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on! [turns around excitedly]\nKyle: Dude. Have you been drinking?\nStan: You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!\nKyle: It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. [Cartman takes a quick order, then looks back at Stan and Kyle] Ah-I'm with Cartman Burger now.\nStan: ...Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept? [Cartman walks over, drying his hands off in the process]\nKyle: See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become.\nCartman: Everything alright here, Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah, it's fine.\nCartman: We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.\nKyle: Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there.\nStan: Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!\nKyle: Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.\nStan: [a couple of seconds of silence, then Stan gives him the finger.] Fuck you Kyle, you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and walks back to the burger stand] ...Kyle, I love you. [Kyle reappears a few seconds later, and Stan gives him the finger again.] You're a piece of shit though. Fuck you! [Kyle turns heel and walks back towards the stand] ...I love you. [Kyle does not return]\nScene Description: Next morning, Stan's room. The radio alarm wakes him up at 7, as usual. Laughter comes from the speaker\nBig Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning and in case you didn't catch last night's episode of [poop sounds], we're breakin' it down.\nMike: Oh Big Harry, when the [poop sounds] ran into the [poop sounds]- [Stan sits up, then scoots towards the alarm]\nBig Harry: Nonono, no! How about when [poop sounds. Stan turns off the alarm, then hops off the bed.].\nScene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. Stan goes into the center with a bad headache. He has a hangover.\nMorpheus: He's back! [the other members jump up and gather around Stan] Did you see the illusionary world again?\nNeo: How does it feel to be back in the Matrix?\nStan: I feel like total shit.\nBald Guy: It's okay. That's just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world.\nMorpheus: Try and focus, Stan: we've found them! We know where the rock creatures are now.\nStan: The rock creatures?\nMorpheus: Or aliens, or AI- things. Whatever, fuck you.\nStan: Dude, I canh- I... I can't do any...\nNeo: He's gonna pop! [Stan vomits and falls over on his face. He passes out. The other members gather around him even closer. Fade to black. Some time later, Stan's eyes blink.]\nMorpheus: Come on kid, there's not a lot of time left.\nNeo: You're pushin' him too hard!\nStan: Ugh God.\nMorpheus: Stan, you have to convince people they're living in a world of illusion. We're sending you back in! [a pair of doors in the ceiling slide open and a giant bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey drops down, being held in place by a robotic arm. A nippled syringe pulls forward and enters Stan's mouth and begins pumping him full of whiskey. Stan can only look down helplessly]\nScene Description: A darkened boardroom. Sevem shadowed figures sit around a boardroom table\nFigure 1: We all know why we are here. There's a rebellion in our midst and it must be SQUASHED OUT! [it's a McDonald's executive] We have to put an end, to Cartman Burgers. [the other executives seen are from KFC, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway, Chick-fil-A, and Taco Bell.]\nOther execs: Yes, yes, but what do we do?\nKFC exec: At KFC we've seen a 50% drop in sales.\nPizza Hut exec: It's worse at Pizza Hut. Cartman Burgers choked out the market.\nMcDonald's exec: [gets up from his chair and paces a bit] What makes them so good? For whatever reason, these Cartman Burgers satisfy the taste cravings from all of our restaurants!\nTaco Bell exec: [walks up to a chart and then turns to show the other execs.] There lies the secret. [eight restaurants are shown on the chart, including City Wok. An arrow from each of the restaurants points towards a Cartman Burger in the middle] It's the chemical compounds from all our flavors. Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC, all somehow infused into one burger.\nKFC exec: [walks up to a whiteboard on which a chemical compound from each restaurant is shown being mixed in a beaker and the combined solution being distilled into the Cartman Burger] It's as if he's somehow taking all the ingredients of our food, breaking them down into some kind of... gas. And them somehow... infusing that gas into his hamburger. What kind of instrument could he be using to do this?\nPizza Hut exec: It would have to be some sort of super Dutch oven.\nBurger King exec: But a Dutch oven with greater technology than we've ever seen. [Behind them, Stan breaks into the boardroom through the window]\nStan: [falls onto the floor] Aughah. [gets up and starts firing indiscriminately, moaning all the while. He falls on his back, fires off a few more shots, turns his head to his left side, and throws up. He passes out]\nScene Description: Some time later. The execs have tied him down to a chair quite securely and wait a while. An arm reaches forward and tries to rouse him\nMcDonald's exec: Hey! Wake up. Come on now, wake up! [looks at the Taco Bell Exec] Use the smelling salts! [the Taco Bell Exec puts an enchirito under Stan's nose]\nStan: [sniffs and then smacks his lips a bit, finally waking up] ...Enchirito?\nMcDonald's exec: You know the secret?\nStan: What? You guys are aliens?\nMcDonald's exec: Stop playing with us! What's the secret behind Cartman Burger's amazing taste?!\nStan: Dude, I don't know!\nTaco Bell exec: He's lying! [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a picture of Kyle] You see this kid in the picture? This guy is his best friend.\nMcDonald's exec: Ah ha!\nStan: I'm not friends with him.\nTaco Bell exec: They've been through everything together. Inseparable.\nStan: No, no, we don't hang out anymore.\nMcDonald's exec: Oho right, like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that?\nStan: Dude, I didn't walk away! I turned 10 and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty to me, so I-!\nMcDonald's exec: Oh sure! Anyone would ditch out on their best friend 'cause they weren't feeling good! Now stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers is so delicious!\nStan: I don't know!\nMcDonald's exec: Alright, I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way.\nScene Description: Cartman Burger, day. The place is packed with kids now. The crew is taking a break: Kenny and Butters are chatting by the grill as Kyle delivers some burgers to Cartman.\nKyle: There, ten mediums and five medium-rares.\nCartman: Alright, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer.\nKyle: Next please. [smiles, but quickly frowns upon seeing the next customer] Oh, hey.\nStan: Kyle, you've gotta tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.\nKyle: What are you doing?\nStan: How do you guys make them so yummy?\nKyle: I don't know.\nMcDonald's exec: [hiding in some bushes with the other execs] You'd BETTER get him to tell you or you're getting shot in the back of the head! [The Chick-fil-A exec has a sniper's gun trained on Stan's head. Stan is wearing an ear piece] You got that?!\nStan: [panicking, but with great restraint] Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger\nKyle: Why?! So that we can lose our business and everything can go back to old times?!\nStan: No, because there's aliens with a sniper-chicken on me.\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh God! Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school and I I'm sorry. But your negativity is poison to me!\nMcDonald's exec: Oh, right. Like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness!\nStan: Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out, but it's not my fault!\nKyle: You said \"fuck you\" to my face, Stan.\nStan: Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying.\nMcDonald's exec: Oh yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back.\nKyle: Alright, look. I honestly don't know the secret, dude. Only Cartman does, and that's how it's gonna work for us.\nMcDonald's exec: [comes out of the bushes and goes to the stand] Goddamnit this is getting us nowhere! [the other execs follow him onto the sidewalk] Everyone get back! Do you wanna play hardball?! That's fine! [the Chick-fil-A exec wields his gun and the kids scream and scatter. The McDonald's exec goes to the Secret Last Process Booth] All right, let's see this mighty machine once and for all! [before he can see anything, he's gunned down by the drunken research center/Matrix members, who then start firing away indiscriminately with their semi-automatics]\nMorpheus: [dispatching the Taco Bell exec] You vampire sons of bitches! [the Chick-fil-A, Burger King and Subway execs go down, then the Pizza Hut and Taco Bell execs]\nNeo: Haha! [accidentally shoots himself in the head and goes down]\nMorpheus: Alright, nice work Stan. Now comes the final step! You have to take out Duck President!\nStan: Just stop it! You people are so full of shit!\nMr. Mathers: Uh oh, looks like the serum is wearing off! [whips out a glass and a bottle of whiskey] Here, you'd better take some more! [pours the whiskey in the glass]\nStan: No, I'm done with that! [slaps it away from the member's hand]\nMorpheus: But Stan, you have to take down the bad guys and go through a personal transformation, so that everything can go back to the way it was!\nStan: I don't want everything to go back to the way it was! [suddenly calm] I, I don't. [he steps over the broken bottle, leaves and joins the other kids, who have returned] You were right, Kyle. Sometimes, the only way to go forward, is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude. It's okay. You're gonna do this and I'm gonna do my thing and ...my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact, it's better. Change is gonna bring new things to all of us. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see. And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with all new people in town. [approaches one boy] Maybe this kid will become my new best friend. [then another] Or maybe this kid will.\nDouglas: Wow. [smiles]\nStan: Maybe it won't be like before, but... at least it'll all be new. And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going. For the first time in a long time, I'm really excited. [a horn and the sound of wheels stopping are heard]\nRandy: [in the U-Haul truck] Stan? Stan! Get in the car, Stan! Your mom and I are movin' back in together!\nStan: [his face drops] What?\nRandy: We worked it out, pal. Surprise!\nStan: No, dad, no. No, please!\nScene Description: At the apartment, Stan's room, day. Sharon and Stan talk\nSharon: [somber and unsure] We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know...\nStan: No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn.\nSharon: People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know.\nScene Description: \"Landslide\" plays again, with everything going in reverse. The realtor removes the sign she had placed in front of the Marsh house. The Marsh family moves back in. Randy and Sharon work together to take the sofa back inside while Shelly carries her own box. Sharon sets up Stan's room again almost as he had it before they moved. Randy carries in another box of Stan's stuff. Stan looks out over the neighborhood from his window... which was apparently across from Cartman's house all this time, for he sees Cartman Burger and the crowd of kids and adults across the street.\nKyle: You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?!\nCrowd: Eeewww!\nScene Description: The sitting president, who is a duck, is removed and Barack Obama resumes his presidency. In his backyard, Randy Marsh makes a small bonfire of all his Steamy Ray Vaughn stuff. At Stark's Pond, Wendy and Stan share a picnic, but he's not interested enough to puke on her. At the dinner table, Stan isn't eating, but looks down and away. Finally, in his bedroom, the radio wakes him up at 7 AM., like always. His favorite morning show comes back on\nBig Harry: I like that!\nMike: Yeah.\nBig Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning, talkin' about Two and a Half Men. I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike.\nMike: Yeah, but what about that movie Dolphin Tale? I am psyched for that!\nBig Harry: Dolphin Tale, Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. [Stan sits up] Let's hear one from the band Slamjammer and their song- [Stan turns the radio off. There's a knock on his door]\nKyle: [enters with Cartman and Kenny] Dude, we're gonna see the new Zoopeeker movie!\nCartman: The Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier! [they walk back out and away.]\nStan: ...K, coming. [hops out of bed and puts on his coat, going through the motions. He walks out to join the boys, but a few seconds later he returns to open a drawer, pull out a bottle of whiskey, opens it, takes a swig of it, closes it, and puts it back in the drawer. He doesn't bother to put on his shoes. He closes the drawer and heads back into the hall]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. By the fence, Cartman, wearing a ranger hat and outfit, and some other boys in similar attire, have erected a small U.S. border with a sign saying \"Welcome to Texas\" on it. The sign also has an outline of the State of Texas on it. Cartman is patrolling the border with DogPoo and Jason. They are holding Super-Soakers and pop-guns, plastic forks are duct-taped to the fence. Cartman scans for illegals with his binoculars\nCartman: [turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them!\nLiane: [walking out] Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa?\nCartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right, patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw!\nThe other four: Yeehaw! [Timmy stays silent]\nScene Description: In the woods nearby, Butters leads five other boys in a plot to get past the U.S. border at Cartman's house - Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Jimmy, and Token\nButters: Fellow Meheecans! This time, we're gonan try rushin' the Texans from the left side! Do not give up home, for I am Mantequilla! Viva la Meheeco!\nStan: Uh, Butters, I think we're gonna go back to Kyle being team leader.\nButters: [saddened] Oh, what, I'm not a good Meheecan?\nStan: You're a great Meheecan, Butters, but maybe just not a leader of Meheeco.\nKyle: Look, guys, all we need to do is split up and apply some good diversion tactics. We'll use the Texans' emotions against them.\nScene Description: Back at the border, Cartman scans the surrounding area, making sound effects while doing so\nCartman: [robot voice] Scanning for Mexicans. [more sound effects] Oh! [spots Kyle coming out of the woods] We've got a Mexican! [Clyde and Craig take up posts]\nKyle: Hey Texans! Let me through; we want a treaty!\nCartman: [to the other boys] He's trying a simple diversion tactic, thinks we're stupid. [to Kyle] Ha ha! You're gonna have to do better than that, Mexican!\nKyle: Better than being a fat-ass Texan!\nCartman: Hey! Just because I'm Texan, it doesn't mean I'm fat!\nKyle: No, you're fat to begin with, chubby! Now you're Texan too!\nCartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Well, you're a fuckin' Jew, Kyle! And now you're a Mexican Jew! You dirty, no good... Mexijew! [Stan sneaks in past a cardboard box labelled \"Christmas Ornaments\"] Let's just see you try and-!\nStan: Base! [the others turn to see Stan in their midst]\nCartman: Clyde?! [descends from his perch atop the border and goes to Clyde] What the fuck are you doin'?! You just let a Mexican through!\nClyde: I was enthralled with the dialog exchange.\nCartman: Ugh, yeah?! Well, you all need to stay focused, Goddamnit! [Token appears at the other end of the border and hops over] If you let yourselves get distracted for even one minute, we're gonna be overrun with these jobless, no good-!\nToken: Base!\nCartman: Dude!! [walks over to Craig] How did he get past the fence, Craig?!\nCraig: I didn't hear him coming with all your screaming.\nCartman: Nobody's fuckin' screaming, Craig! Wake the fuck up! [Jimmy walks by in the foreground]\nJimmy: Eh, b-base.\nCartman: Oh, God! [throws down his hat]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, evening. All the boys are at the dining table eating dinner. Well, all except one. All of the ones present are laughing. Well, all except one.\nStan: So, so then, so then the pope says, \"Maybe you should go check the toilet.\" [most of the other boys laugh]\nCraig: Hey. Hey, I got one. [the other get quiet] Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?\nToken: Why?\nCraig: 'Cause they're ugly and they stink. [most of the other boys laugh]\nStan: Cartman, stop pouting that you lost the game.\nCartman: I'm not pouting! I've just heard all these jokes before!\nKyle: So then don't have a slumber party if you're gonna be an asshole all night!\nCartman: At least I have an asshole, Kyle! [the boys laugh]\nScene Description: As the boys enjoy themselves, the camera pulls back into the woods outside where it has begun to snow, far away we find one boy, shivering, sitting by a stream with a jug of water next to him, in this cold snowy night.\nButters: [thinking to himself] Boy, I've really done it this time. I have one simple direction: \"Go that way.\" How did I end up getting lost? My amigos were right: I am a lousy Meheecan. They're all living the good life while I'm, while I'm stuck out here in Meheeco. I am... The Last of the Meheecans.\nScene Description: \"The Last of the Meheecans\" appears onscreen after the camera pans up into the sky\nButters: [wanders around] Hello? Anybody? Come on Mantequilla, you have to find that border! [walks further away, and finds a road. He walks along the shoulder and shivers as he sings] Lalala, lalala, Work Meheecan Work. Lalala, lalala, Work Meheecan Work. [A couple in a car drive up behind him]\nWoman: Oh, careful darling, the storm is getting worse.\nMan: It sure is. I-I can barely see. [Butters turns around and the woman suddenly sees him]</poem>\nWoman: Oh my God look out it's a Mexican! [the man loses control and hits Butters, who simply tumbles off the car and onto the shoulder, face down. The couple stops the car and goes to check on Butters. The wife turns him over]\nMan: Oh my God, are you alright?\nButters: Por favor, ehe, I have to get across the border. M-mis amigos, my a-, my amigos are waiting.\nMan: Poor thing must have snuck across the border and then lost track of his family.\nButters: I, am Mantequilla, the last of the Meheecans.\nScene Description: The couple's house, night. There's something about the Spanish Colonial architecture in this house. The couple shows Butters to a spare room full of inspirational and religious messages. He will sleep here for the night\nWoman: [showing him around the room] Guest room. Guest room. Bed, bed. Pillow. You're going to be okay. [kneels before him] Do you understand?\nMan: Darling, I don't know if we can keep him.\nWoman: What are we supposed to do?! Call the police?! And have him shipped back to Mexico like some animal?! [to Butters] Win-dow. Wiinnn-dow.\nMan: Yep, window.\nWoman: [pleased] Bueno! [to her husband] He'll have so much more opportunity here than he ever would in Mexico! [to Butters] Window. Windooow. [gives him a bottle of] Win-dex. Wiiin-dex, Mantequilla. Paper towel. [squirts some Windex onto the towel and takes Butters to the window] Sí, sí Mantequilla [shows Butters how to clean the window, then leaves him to continue doing it himself]\nMan: Auhp, be sure to get the edges.\nWoman: Oh darling, it's wonderful.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. The boys have gone to sleep in the basement, the TV is now white noise and static, food, toys, video and board games litter the floor. Everyone is soundly asleep, sprawled out randomly atop pillows and sleeping bags, Timmy in his wheelchair, the camera zooms out to reveal Cartman tossing and turning in his sleeping bag.\nCartman: [talking in his sleep] No. NO! Must protect the border! Everyone's gettin through! No! Clyde! We're losing! Kyle go through! Oh no, now Stan's through! And Jimmy! It's over! The only Mexican left is Butters; we've got... [wakes up] Butters! [gets up, then tries to get the others up] Hey! Wake up you guys! Wake up, losers!\nStan: What are you talking about?\nCartman: Where is Butters?\nKyle: [after a few seconds] He was with us at dinner. Wait. Was he with us at dinner?\nStan: Yeah, I think he was? Wait.\nCraig: Butters is one of those people who you can never remember if he was there or not.\nScene Description: Outside Cartman's house, night. The boys turn on the patio light and walk out through the sliding doors in back the snow is starting to cover the yard.\nKyle: Butters?\nStan: Butters!\nKyle: [hugs himself] Jesus, it's freezing out here. He, he could be dead.\nCartman: [puts on his ranger hat, now speaking in his Texan voice] All right men, rally up! There's still a Mexican out there and he ain't gettin' through! [walks towards the woods, but stops long enough to tell Kyle] You haven't won yet! [smiles evilly and moves on] Game on!\nCraig: Game on!\nKyle: Wugh, game on. [puts on his mustache]\nScene Description: The couple's house, Morning. Butters is wearing a hairnet, washing dishes and humming to himself. His face is filthy.\nButters: Work, Mexican, Work. [hums some more] Work, Mexican, Work\nWoman: [arrives at the kitchen entrance] Mantequiila? Mantequilla, come to the living room. We have a surprise for you. [leaves. Butters follows her out]\nScene Description: The living room. A large box wrapped up and tied with a bow sits in the middle\nMan: Surprise! We've scraped some money together and got you something. [Butters grins]\nWoman: It's a present, Mantequilla. Un presente.\nButters: Wow! A present just for me? [starts to unwrap it]\nWoman: Oh he's such a happy little Mexican. [Butters finishes unwrapping it only to see a gas-powered leaf blower designed to be worn on the back]\nMan: How do you like that, Mantequilla? Your very own leaf blower! Hahah, I have no idea how it works, but I'm sure you do, huh. Say, how'd you like to go in the back yard and play? [moments later, Butters is in the back yard using the power blower to blow some leaves around. The couple watch him from a table with umbrella providing shade]\nWoman: Oh look at him, darling. He's so happy.\nMan: Hup. Nono, Mantequilla! You're just blowing the leaves from one side to the other. Get them in one pile so you can use the garbage bags we loaned you.\nButters: Ah, sí señor.\nWoman: Oh he's so adorable.\nScene Description: A song begins to play as Butters clears away the leaves. As the song plays, you see the following montage: Butters blowing leaves into piles, Butters washing he couple's care as they watch, Butters scooping leaves out of the pool as the couple plays in it with a beach ball, the boys pasting fliers all over town asking \"Have you seen this Mexican? Answers to 'Mantequilla.' Text *** 67319,\" Cartman and his border patrol watching for illegal aliens, Butters providing pedicures for the couple, Butters serving them ham, Butters washing more dishes, Stan and Kyle putting up billboards that echo what the fliers said, and Cartman looking into the woods. Seeing no one coming, Cartman lowers his binoculars and smiles. Butters now clean up the front yard.\nSingers: Work, Mexican, work.\nButters: All week long, bossman say\nBoth: Work, Mexican, work.\nButters: Sing your Song, earn your pay\nBoth: Work, Mexican, work.Work, Meheecan\nSingers: Sweat\nButters: Meheecan\nSingers: Toil\nButters: Meheecan, it's your\nBoth: lot in life.\nButters: While people play in the sun all day\nBoth: Work, Mexican, work.\nScene Description: The couple's kitchen, later. The woman is at the breakfast nook crying and wiping away her tears with a tissue. The man sees her and gets worried, then walks into the kitchen.\nMan: Honey? Honey, what's wrong? [she looks up to see him]\nWoman: It's Mantequilla. We've tried giving him everything, but I don't think he's happy. Tonight I told him he could do whatever he wanted before bed - wash the windows, mop up our bathroom - but you know what he said? He said \"I need to go home.\" I tried telling him \"your home is here, Mantequilla! ¡Tu casa es aquí!\" But I don't think he feels it.\nMan: Well, maybe if we let him paint the garage, he'll feel more like family and then-\nWoman: No, Brian! In my heart I know it's true. He belongs with his own kind, Brian. He belongs with his own kind!\nScene Description: El Pollo Loco, night. The couple drive up to El Pollo Loco and take Butters to the door. The woman is still weeping\nBrian: Come on, honey. [they walk back to the car]\nButters: Hey, where are you going?\nWoman: [turns around] No! Mantequilla bad! Go now!\nButters: Ma'am, can I, can I just use your phone?\nWoman: No es bueno, Mantequilla! ¡No me mi-mires! ¡Por favor! ¡Por favor no mires! [they reach the car, get in, and drive off. The woman is still weeping]\nScene Description: El Pollo Loco kitchen. Butters is sitting atop a prep table telling of his adventure, as a group of Latino workers go about making meals\nButters: So there I was, just yards away from the American border. All my amigos made it across, but I became lost in the woods. If the Whipples hadn't come along, I might have froze to death. But I'm not giving up, for I, am Mantequilla! [the workers all stop in shock and look at him, a utensil can be heard hitting the floor]\nWorker 1: Mantequilla?\nWorker 2: Mantequilla?\nWorker 1: ¡Yo he escuchado de este niño! ¡He visto anuncios de el por donde quiera! [\"I've HEARD of this kids! I've seen POSTERS and BILLBOARDS of him everywhere!\"]\nWorker 3: Sí. Es famoso! [\"Yeah. He's FAMOUS!\"]\nButters: Nothing can stop me, and my pride, in Mother Meheeco!\nWorker 1: ¿Un niño gringo que quiere ses mexicano? [\"A WHITE American kid who wants to be Mexican?\"]\nWorker 3: Ay, tiempos han cambiado. [\"Wow, times are really changing\"]\nWorker 1: No... no. ¿Saben qué? Mantequilla tiene derecho. ¿Por qué venimos a este país? ¡Vale madre aquí, 'mano! [\"No... no, you know what? Mantequilla is RIGHT! Why did we even come to this country? It SUCKS HERE, MAN!\"]\nButters: Hey! You fellas think you can get me across that border?\nWorker 1: Debemos escuchar a este niño. ¡Mexico es mucho mejor que esto! [\"We should listen to this kid. Mexico is better than this!\"]\nButters: All my amigos are there, waitin' for me.\nWorker 1: Todos mis amigos están allí también.. [\"All my amigos are back there too.\"]\nWorker 2: ¡A la chingada con esto! ¡Vamonos! [\"Come on, screw this! Let's go!\"]\nWorker 3: Sí, ¡vamonos a la chingada!\nButters: Viva la Meheeco!\nScene Description: A hospital, outside. An elderly man is being assisted by two Latinos, who are helping him out of an ambulance and onto a wheelchair\nDoctor: Alright, let's get him into ER.\nElderly man: Careful w'my foot! [a car stops and a man whistles]\nWorker 2: ¡Oye Yimenez! ¡Nos vamos a regresar, hombre! [\"Hey Yimenez!!! We're going back, man!\"]\nYimenez: ¿Qué? [\"What?\"]\nWorker 2: ¡Este lugar es una mierda! ¡Nos regresamos a Mexico![\"This place sucks! We're going back to Mexico!\"]\nButters: We're crossin' the border!\nYimenez: ¡Jose! ¡Martinez! Nos vamos para atras para Mexico! [\"We're going back to Mexico!\" The nurses and other Hispanic workers pour out of the hospital]\nButters: Olé!\nScene Description: The real Mexican border, day. There's no activity. One of the guards is looking through binoculars, the other larger guard is fanning himself with a rolled up newspaper\nBorder officer 1: Pretty quiet out there.\nBorder officer 2: Yeah, a bit too quiet if you ask me. Gimme those! [takes the binoculars and looks through them]\nBorder officer 1: Just seems like Mexicans don't try to cross into the US as much as they used to, you know?\nBorder officer 2: Noo, they're out there, Charlie. Plottin' their next move. They'll do anything they can to get into the Land of Opportunity. [lowers the binoculars. The first illegals appear on the US side of the border and head towards the fence] And as long as this country offers everyone a better life, there's gonna be people clamorin' to get it. It's the curse of success, Charlie. [more aliens appear as the first ones hop over the fence] A great and wealthy nation will always be plagued [raises the binoculars and looks through them again] by the needy tryin' to-what the hell? [sees the Mexicans running into Mexico. The other guard notices too]\nCharlie: [scratches his head] Uhh, sir? Aren't them Mexicans runnin' into Mexico?\nBorder officer 2: [lowers his binoculars] That don't make sense.\nCharlie: [shouting to the returning illegals] You're going the wrong way!\nScene Description: TV News break\nAnchorman: You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? The phenomenon is called \"Orgullo de Mantequilla,\" where Mexicans are realizing it actually is starting to suck more here in the US. The borders are being flooded with Latin Americans trying to get back to their own countries. [Randy and Sharon are on the sofa watching the news]\nRandy: Well, I think it's good. [stands up and puts on his blazer, then walks to the front door] If the Mexican people feel inspired, good for them. People have a right to go and be happy. [opens the door and looks outside. Huge piles of leaves have been left on his front yard] NOOOOOO! [Audio clip is Darth Vader's voice from Star Wars Ep. III]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's watching the news too\nAnchorman: But just what has sparked the Mexican desire to live... in Mexico? Joining us now is economist Mark Geiger, and Mark, we've heard of Mexican ice cream, but Mexican patriotism?\nMr. Geiger: Yes, it's a very odd phenomenon, Chris. Ih it just- [the front door opens and it's Stan and Kyle, who are pretty miffed for obvious reasons]\nKyle: Cartman, what the hell is this?! [he's holding a poster Cartman designed: \"Wanted by U.S. Border Patrol. Permission to shoot on sight.\"]\nCartman: You guys, the game is over! Clearly I won. Give it up.\nKyle: \"Wanted by the U.S. Border Patrol\"?! \"Permission to shoot on sight\"?!\nCartman: You guys were putting out fliers, I had to put some out too.\nKyle: Butters has been missing for a week! You might have inadvertently gotten him killed!\nCartman: Well then I inadvertently won the game, didn't I?[The news come back on, with Cartman glancing at his TV, with Kyle also staring, as Stan continues glaring at Cartman]\nChris: Do you have what it takes to join the Border Patrol? Border Patrol officers are looking for volunteers to help with the reverse immigration crisis.\nCartman: Oh dude. Sweet.\nScene Description: Butters is asleep in a room, on a wooden bed. The floor is made of hexagon-shaped tile. On the cracked green wall behind him is a small framed painting of Frida Kahlo. He wakes up, gets off the bed, looks around, and walks towards a doorway completely naked except for his Mexico hat. He opens the double doors and steps outside. He rubs his eyes to get a better view. A small plaza full of people awaits his appearance, and everyone cheers\nCrowd: ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap]\nButters: Oh uh, I'm sorry, [opens his arms wide] I don't really-\nCrowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [he lowers his arms and the crowd quiets down. He raises them up and] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [he raises his right arm] ¡Oy! [he lowers his arm and raises it a little] ¡Oy! [now raises his left arm] ¡Orgullo! [opens his arms wide] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [the crowd members raise their arms and some begin to toss their hats in the air]\nButters: Wow.\nScene Description: The U.S. border. Officer 2 briefs the new volunteers on their duties\nBorder officer 2: Welcome to the US Border Patrol. You volunteers are the key to keepin' this country safe and prosperous. [begins to walk back and forth] Every day, more and more Mexicans are tryin' to get past this fence and go back to their homes in Mexico. As border patrol officers our duty is to stop Mexicans from crossin' the border. We don't need to worry about the semantics of which direction they're going, we're just supposed to stop them! [pounds his left fist into his right hand] Marcus?\nMarcus: The standard-issue border patrol weapon is the P-29 stun baton. [begins handing a baton to each volunteer] It carries a 4000 watt charge and is your best option for enforcin' border patrol law.\nCartman: This is gonna be so fuckin' sweet.\nMarcus: The baton is non-lethal, but powerful e-\nBorder officer 3: Hey! We got some! Mexicans at 2 o'clock! [hands his binoculars over to Officer 2]\nBorder officer 2: Let's get ready, recruits! Must be a couple dozen of them! [Cartman takes out his own binoculars and begins scanning and providing his own sound effects] This is the US Border Patrol! Stop where you are! Turn around and get back to work!\nMarcus: There's too many of 'em! We're gonna need backup! [Cartman goes to a nearby water truck and opens a spigot, which releases water and creates a large puddle. The Mexicans run into the puddle and stand there. Cartman tosses his baton into the puddle, electrocuting the Mexicans.]\nBorder officer 2: You're pretty good at stoppin' Mexicans, son. What's your name?\nCartman: Cartman. Eric T. Cartman.\nScene Description: San Francisco, Later. The Mexicans are rounded up and taken to San Francisco to be released. What follows is a montage parody of Border Wars: first, shots of a border crossing showing four lanes of cars waiting to get into Mexico. A U-Haul truck is opened up and its cargo of Mexicans is removed from the trailer. A nighttime patrol shows Cartman with some other officers in a boat. They intercept a smaller boat with Mexicans trying to row to Mexico, then escort them back to shore near Santa Monica. The third shot shows Cartman on a helicopter with two other officers. He points at a sign on the ground. The helicopter drops him off near the sign and he turns it around to fool unsuspecting Mexicans, grins, and hides behind some bushes. Some Mexicans stand in line to get unemployment checks, and one of them gets a flag from Officer 2\nNarrator: Dedicated. Patriotic. Tireless. These are the men and women of the US Border Patrol. They work around the clock protecting America's prosperity. They are the front line in making sure Mexicans stay here and work. The border patrol is uncompromising, diligent, and kewl. They will defend, arrest, and most importantly, let the Mexicans know that they are way better off here in the United States.\nScene Description: Días De Mantequilla. Butters has earned himself a festival - Butters Day - in what looks like Mexico City, complete with mariachis and a portrait of him mimicking the famous portrait of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Among the sights at this festival: little kids dancing, señoritas dancing nearby, a man wearing a large papier-mâché Mantequilla head is entertaining children, people are buying Mantequilla shirts at the Tienda de Orgullo, kids trying to burst open a piñata of Mantequilla. A girl runs by with a small Mexican flag. One of the kids breaks open the piñata and the others rush in for the candy.\nPresident Calderón: ¡Hoy celebramos el primer día de Mantequilla, honrando el espiritu de México! [\"Today we celebrate the FIRST day of Mantequilla, honoring the spirit of Mexico!\" Everyone claps for Butters]\nButters: Thanks everyone. [hops onto the table] It suer has been great gettin' to know you all. You've been really great amigos. [gets sad] It's really kind of made me... appreciate my amigos back home. I know they were waitin' for me, and I'm sure they're all worried sick.\nPresident Calderón: Mantequilla, tu tienes que hacer una decisión. Los Estados Unidos están de baja, y claro, México pronto será el mejor lugar. Pero como Mexicanos, nosotros sabemos que nada es más importante que la famlia, y amistades. Estás invitado a vivir con nosotros, Mantequilla, pero tienes que seguir tu corazón. ¿Quieres quedarte aquí con nosotros, o quieres estar con tus amigos? [\"Mantequilla, you have a decision to make. The United States is on the decline, and clearly, Mexico will quickly become the better place to be. But as we Mexicans know, nothing is more important than FAMILY and FRIENDS. You are welcome to live with us, Mantequilla, but you must follow your heart. Do you want to stay here with us, or do you want to go back to your amigos?\"]\nButters: [aside to the Mexican sitting at the table with him] ...What did he say? Ah I actually don't speak Spanish.\nScene Description: The US Border. Cartman stands front and center scanning the horizon, with other soldiers and volunteers taking breaks.\nCartman: [robot voice] No Mexicans detected. [normally] Huh, nothing.\nBorder officer 4: [Richards] Let's face it: they've just about all gotten back across. No matter how hard we tried, the Mexicans all got across the border.\nBorder officer 2: When we asked Obama to stop illegal immigrants, we didn't mean to make the US so shitty they wouldn't wanna come anymore.\nMarcus: [along in the lookout tower, as bored as the others, he suddenly sees something, sits up, and rushes to tell the others.] Hey! Hey wait a minute! [whips out his binoculars and gets a better look.] It's a Mexican! [It's Mantequilla] I think he wants to come back in! [Officer 2 climbs the ladder and gets a better look]\nBorder officer 2: Oh my God it is! [puts down the binoculars and happily waves his hat at Butters] Hey! Hey! Come on in! [bangs at the tower and whistles] Come on! Come on! Come on, it's okay! [Butters draws closer, smiling. guard 2 addressed the other officers and volunteers] The fuck are you doing?! Get that gate open! [an officer and a volunteer happily oblige. The other officers and volunteers are smiling too]\nBorder officer 5: Come on, buddy!\nOther Officers: Come on now, come on! You've got it. [Cartman gets up on the tower and uses his own binoculars]\nCartman: Wait a minute, isn't that...\nButters: [looking back at him] Game on!\nCartman: [squints his eyes] Oh no you don't! [takes Officer 2's sidearm and fires at Butters.]\nButters: [dodging the bullets] AAAH!\nBorder officer 2: [takes his weapon back] Fuck are you doin'?!\nCartman: That asshole is not getting across my border! [Butters either fails to see the open gate, or it was closed while Cartman was firing at him, because he starts climbing the fence. Cartman quickly gets down to intercept him, but decides that electrocuting the fence would get Butters off it, and it works]\nButters: AAAAH! [falls and gets up] I'll get over! [runs farther away from the tower]\nCartman: [gives chase] No you won't Butters!\nButters: [sees a gray burro and jumps up on him] Giddy up! [gallops away. Cartman gets on a pale gray burro and whistles, and gallops after Butters]\nScene Description: Mexico City, day. The Mexicans have huddled around just one radio and are listening to the play-by-play provided by a commentator. Since the Spanish lines are not translated here, I will provide them\nCommentator: Un otro shoto de Mantequilla. Y Manteque-ah. ¡Oh! ¡Una arma! Una arma del El Niño Gordo! [\"Another shot of Mantequilla! And Mantequi-ah. Oh! A firearm! The fat kid's firearm!\" Apparently Cartman was firing at Butters]\nMexicans: Ohhh!\nScene Description: The US Border. Butters and Cartman ride past the tower, and Cartman finds himself fired upon. He turns and sees the border patrol after him\nCartman: Ey!\nScene Description: Mexico City.\nCommentator: Mantequilla ayudar ¡1a Border Patrol! [\"The Border Patrol is coming to Mantequilla's aid!\" The Mexicans cheer]\nScene Description: El Río Bravo. Butters is now speeding away in a small boat, and Cartman is chasing him in a Border Patrol boat.\nCartman: ¡Respeto mi autóridad! [\"Respect mah authoritah!\" Again, Cartman is fired upon, and his boat begins to sink. This time, the border patrol is in a helicopter firing away]\nScene Description: Mexico City.\nCommentator: Border Patrol pegaron ¡El Cero Gordo! [\"The border patrol hit the Fat Zero!\" Next, Cartman is on an ATV and stops to look for Butters]\nScene Description: The US Border.\nCartman: Where the fuck did he go?! [in the background, Butters can be seen riding by on his burro. Cartman sees him and gives chase. Just before Cartman reaches him, Butters blinks. Cartman jumps off his ATV and tackles Butters off his burro, and they both end up on the desert ground, with Cartman on top] Haha! Game over, Butters! You lose! [Butters apparently collapses] The fuck is this?! [instead of seeing the real Butters, Cartman sees a life-size piñata of him. The head separates from the body and candy falls out] No. NO! [Butters is climbing the fence]\nButters: [taunting] Haha! Heheeheeheehahaheehee!\nCartman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Butters goes over the border fence and jumps down]\nButters: Base! [dances around with his arms outstretched]\nMexicans: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [Butters gets on his knees and slides into a pose]\nCommentator: El mirito, vinto! [the Mexicans celebrate. The border patrol celebrates as well, and Butters dances, the \"Mexican Hat Dance\" starts playing]\nScene Description: Cartman's dining room, evening. The boys are back at the table eating dinner, with Butters sitting between Craig and Kyle. The boys are laughing and telling jokes to each other\nButters: So then, so then the fireman says \"That won't even fit in my scrotum!\" [the boys laugh again]\nKyle: [noticing Cartman] Stop being a pouty little bitch 'cause you lost, Cartman!\nCartman: I'm not pouting! I'm just... sensitive to fireman jokes 'cause of 9/11 and uh, uh... fuck you, Kyle!\nButters: Boy, I'm so glad I proved I'm a good Meheecan! Hey, maybe next time I can be team leader!\nStan: Ahhh, I think we'll stick with Kyle, dude. You made it across the border, but it did take you... two and a half weeks.\nKyle: Yeah, you're a great Meheecan, Butters, just not a great leader of Meheeco. [everyone falls silent. Butters stands up on his chair and raises his arms slowly]\nMexicans: [responding to his gesture] ¡Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... [A baby responds to it, as do three Mexican fisherman out at sea. Craig and Kyle look all around, and then at Butters. Butters thrusts his right arm out twice.] ¡Oy! ¡Oy! [Butters thrusts his left arm out once] ¡Orgullo! [raises both arms again] ¡Maaantequilla! [now all his friends are looking at him]\nCartman: [sighs gruffly and rolls his eyes] A Baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Butters walks with Kenny, Stan and Kyle are at their lockers, and Cartman comes into view at the far end of the hallway\nCartman: YOU GUYS! Oh my God, you guys! [runs up to Butters, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle] You're never gonna guess what! [stands among them] Seriously you guys, guess what??\nStan: What?\nCartman: You guys, you know Pete Melman? [no one answers] Fourth Grade, Mr. Bart's class?\nKyle: The blond kid?\nCartman: Yeah yeah, Pete Melman!\nStan: What about him?\nCartman: He crapped his pants today during social studies! He had to go to the nurse's office, and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans! [begins to cackle]\nKyle: [angry] How do you know?!\nCartman: Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper!\nButters: Eavesdropper?\nKyle: What's that?\nCartman: Puhah! You guys don't follow Eavesdropper? [whips out an iPhone and starts looking for the Eavesdropper article] It's a Web site about all the students in the school! [The web site screams \"Exclusive! Pete Melman Craps Pants At School!\" at you. Part of the page has a picture of Pete on there, with a 'play' button to play a recording]\nClyde: [appears at the far end of the hallway] Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Pete Melman shit his pants! [runs off to tell others]\nCartman: Yeah yeah, I'm showin' the guys! [gets back to his phone] Check it out. Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom. [touches the 'play' button] Just listen, listen listen.\nNurse Bronski: Hello Mrs. Melman, this is the school nurse. I'm afraid your son has had a little accident. [Cartman snickers quietly]\nMrs. Melman: Oh no, what is it? Is he okay?\nStan: Turn it up. [Cartman obliges]\nNurse Bronski: No no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class. [Cartman grins big, Butters grins a little, Kyle is a little disgusted] I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear, and a clean pair of socks.\nCraig: Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?\nCartman: Yeah yeah, we're listenin' to it! [laughs. Craig moves on]\nKyle: Dude, that's so wrong!\nButters: [moves off] Hey! Pete Melman pooped his pants and uh had to have his mom bring him new undies!\nCartman: Okay okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him? I was thinking, \"Poopypants Pete\", but th- but then I also thought of \"Mushpants Melman.\"\nMr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention South Park Students: will the following students report to the Principal's office immediately? Eric Cartman? Thank you.\nCartman: Oh Jesus, what now?! [goes to the office]\nScene Description: Principal's office, faculty room. Cartman sits at one end of the faculty table while Principal Victoria sits at the other end, flanked by Mr. Mackey on her right and Mr. Adler on her left. The clock reads 2:03 p.m.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, as you might have heard, a student here in South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom.\nCartman: Puh-I know, dude. Pete Melman crapped his pants. So freakin' funny! [slaps the table and laughs]\nPrincipal Victoria: Oookay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him it's embarrassing and terrifying.\nCartman: Tchehe, right. That's why it's super funny to me.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here in school. Now, you remember what happened to him?\nCartman: [smiles] Yeah, he killed himself.\nMr. Mackey: Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students, [points] spearheaded by you, cause him-!\nCartman: Hey! Whoooa.\nMr. Mackey: Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out.\nCartman: 'Kay, whoa, whoa! We've been through this, you cannot put Corey Duran's death on me! I'm not the one who crapped him pants in front of everyone!\nMr. Adler: Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete.\nPrincipal Victoria: Please just let it go.\nCartman: You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who - excuse my language but I have to be harsh here - a kid who shits in his pants in front of everyone - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?!\nMr. Mackey: We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget might forget about it!\nCartman: Do you really think information like this will just die down? There's Internet! There's Eavesdropper! You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants.\nPrincipal Victoria: [stands up and walks to the window, then looks out] Alright Eric, here's the deal: This school cannot have another suicide on its hands. We want you to see Pete Melman through this, and turn public opinion around.\nCartman: [scoff] Heh! You're crazy! It can't be done!\nPrincipal Victoria: If Pete Melman does not kill himself, [turns around] we will make it very worth your while.\nCartman: You aren't listing to anythin- [checks himself] Make it worth my while how?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway again. Must be a rainy day, as some of the kids are eating lunches in the hall. Butters, Craig, and Stan walk towards the camera, with Craig looking at his iPhone. The three are laughing. Kyle appears and approaches them\nStan: No way.\nKyle: What's up?\nStan: The-hay've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper!\nKyle: Dude, that's fucked up.\nStan: Come on dude, it's pretty funny.\nKyle: It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a Web site for everyone to see??\nStan: Yeah dude, that's pretty funny.\nButters: It's megasuperhilarious! [a girl is putting her books away when Cartman approaches her]\nCartman: Uh, hey Jenny. 'Sup?\nJenny: What do you want?\nCartman: Did you hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up, huh?\nJenny: [gets her bag lunch, closes her locker and walks away] Yeah, it's gross! [Cartman stands by her locker for a moment, then catches up to her]\nCartman: So... whatcha doin' for lunch? Uh, my mom packed me the best stuff. She even baked cupcakes. [takes out a box of cupcakes from his backpack]\nJenny: [unimpressed] So what?\nCartman: I was just thinking that... m-m-maybe we could... eat lunch together. I've always kind of... [gulps] liked you.\nJenny: I don't like you!\nCartman: I know. Uh, I know you don't like me back. I ju- Yeah, you know, the- this was stupid, I'm sorry. Will you just take a cupcake? [getting uncomfortable, he puts the cupcake in the box and the box away in his back pack] Oh, don't take the cupc- I, I'm sorry. I, I'm sorry I wasted your time. [walks quickly away]\nJenny: Hey. Wait. [Cartman stops and Jenny catches up] Look, I'm sorry. That was mean. I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes.\nScene Description: Fourth grade, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids have all taken their seats. Mr. Garrison is going over a test on sea life.\nMr. Garrison: And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well. The correct answer was D, whales are mammals. [Jenny gets a sharp pain in her stomach]\nJenny: Oh! Gahhh. Ohf.\nMr. Garrison: They're not fish like some of you retards chose.\nCartman: [concerned, while Mr. Garrision is talking] You okay, Jenny?\nJenny: Yeah, I'm fine, I just- Awwgh! [can't stand it much longer] M-Mr. Garrison? Can I please [winces] be excused?\nCartman: Excused? Oh, oh but we are in the middle of class. [Jenny moans even more]\nMr. Garrison: What's the matter?\nJenny: Gah, I just need to go to the restroom!\nMr. Garrison: Well, okay.\nCartman: Uh, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair, uh I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during the class.\nJenny: Please! I've gotta go now!\nCartman: Well, just give it a couple of minutes, Jenny. It could just be a cramp.\nJenny: [leaves her seat] No, Mr. Garrison, I've gotta- go- AAAH! [lets out a wet fart]\nClass: Eeeeww! [Jenny can't hold it in. Bebe and Stan leave their seats while Cartman stands on his desk]\nCartman: Oh, my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants! [Millie, Token, and Wendy leave] Did you guys hear that?! Oh, my God! [Kyle and Clyde leave] It's WAY worse than Pete Melman was!\nKids: Ew!\nButters: Sick!\nCartman: WAY worse!\nTimmy: Run. [Jenny begins to bawl]\nScene Description: Principal's office faculty lounge. Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey have gathered again to meet with Cartman. Silence fills the room\nPrincipal Victoria: ...The Doctors say that Jenny Simon barely survived the fall. Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis.\nCartman: Alright, kewl.\nMr. Mackey: [shoots back] No, not cool! M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric! She's given up on life!\nCartman: You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself! By making Jenny Simons crap her pants worse than Pete, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper! [shows them the story on his iPhone]\nPrincipal Victoria: [shoving her chair aside. It falls to the floor] That's wasn't the point, Eric! Nobody was supposed to kill themselves! Unless you fix this our deal is off!\nCartman: Nobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die!\nThe three adults: Yes!\nCartman: Jesus Christ! [thinks hard] Okay, okay. [squeezes his eyes shut, puts his hands over them, removes the right hand] Um, Jesus- [removes the left hand] ah... Okay, look. [the adults lean in a bit] Okay those, those tests we took last week? The state efficiency tests? How did we do on those?\nMr. Mackey: Our students did average, maybe just below average.\nCartman: Okay, no, they all did awesome! In fact our students did so good on the tests that you... [turns his head left for a moment, still hasn't opened his eyes] you decided to reward them all. At lunch you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut! But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's horsey sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess. Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out, problem solved. [Victoria, Adler, and Mackey just stare at him]\nPrincipal Victoria: That's insane!\nCartman: Okay, well, if you have a better idea, then why am I here? [Mr. Adler looks at Principal Victoria, Principal Victoria looks at Mr. Mackey, Mr. Mackey places a call.]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, hi, Jan, it's Counselor Mackey. Uh... how long would it take to organize a Pizza Friday for the students? Yeah, yeah... no, they uh, they actually did really well on the state exam. Yeah, mkay.\nScene Description: The school hallway, day. Butters, Craig and Stan are laughing at another Eavesdropper headline as Kyle rounds the corner behind them. Kyle walks up to them\nStan: Dude, check it out! Eavesdropper found an e-mail from Jenny Simons' boyfriend calling her \"soft-serve Simon.\"\nKyle: That's not funny.\nCraig: Hey, here's a post about Token: \"Token Black's Private Gym Photos\" [laughs]\nKyle: [rolls his eyes] I'm not looking at that!\nStan: Come on, dude, it's pretty funny!\nKyle: It wouldn't be funny if that Web site posted something about you!\nStan: I wouldn't care.\nCraig: Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack.\nStan: What?\nCraig: \"In an email sent yesterday to KENNY McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote 'Dude, you should have been in PE today. Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.' He went on to call her butt crack quote 'nice' and that the whole experience was quote 'pretty awesome'.\"\nStan: [sees Kenny and walks up to him at his locker] Kenny! Kenny, what the fuck?!\nKenny: (What?)\nStan: How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?!\nKenny: (I don't know.)\nStan: Do you just leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?!\nKenny: (No!)\nStan: That was a private e-mail from me to you! [notices a pissed-off Wendy approaching] Hey Wendy.\nWendy: You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!\nKenny: (Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here!) [closes his locker and leaves]\nStan: No, I was telling Kenny he would like it.\nWendy: Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?! [Stan leans away a bit]\nStan: Wendy, it was just a quick e-mail to Kenny. New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour. People are gonna forget all about this.\nWendy: So you didn't e-mail anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?! [Stan stays silent]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Library. Stan has convened a meeting of some of his classmates and is now at the podium\nStan: This is an issue of trust and privacy! We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all! [The others present are Red, Kenny, Butters, Craig (looking at his iPhone), Wendy, Kyle, Bebe, and Token. Kyle raises his hand] Yes, Kyle.\nKyle: So, just to be completely clear, now it isn't funny, right?\nStan: Ugh, What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?!\nWendy: Specially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack. [Butters laughs at Wendy's wisecrack in a weird way]\nStan: Shut up Butters! What we have to find out is who in the school is running Eavesdropper! I've done an extensive profile, and I've narrowed it down to somebody in this very room! [the other eight look at each other] Now whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch! [pounds the podium with his fists] And we're not gonna-!\nCraig: [reading off his iPhone] It's not somebody in this room.\nStan: What? How do you know?\nCraig: Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper: \"Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker.\" [laughs] Yeah. Hey wait, that's me.\nKyle: Where is it coming from?\nCraig: Huh?\nKyle: If it's on the school network we can track the IP address. [takes Craig's iPhone and sets about tracing the IP address. The kids head into the hallway and pass by the music room] This way. In here. [they stop at the music room door] Whoever it is using the computer in the music room.\nStan: We only have music class on Thursday.\nWendy: Of course. A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know.\nKyle: Get ready guys. Whoever is in here is the kid that's hacking our e-mails and phone calls! You guys ready?!\nStan: Oh I'm ready!\nKyle: One. [Stan makes fists and tenses up] Two. Three! [opens the door and the nine kids run in, but they're all surprised at what they see. It's a gerbil typing away into the Eavesdropper Web site. This week on Spee: Jenny Simons Still On Suicide Watch]\nCraig: It's a rat! [the gerbil noticed them and runs away]\nKyle: Get it! [the kids give chase. Craig and Kyle run into each other and fall trying to get the gerbil. Bebe and Token fall giving chase]\nStan: Don't let him get away!\nToken: He's gone!\nStan: What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper?\nKyle: Wikileaks. [Kyle is now at the computer looking at the login screen] It says here his name is Wikileaks.\nScene Description: A boy's bedroom, full of panda stuff. On the boy's desk is a cage with a gerbil in it - Lemmiwinks. He runs in his wheel for a while, then steps off it for a sip of water. When he's done, the Frog King appears before him\nFrog King: Lemmiwinks! I come with news of great gravity. Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking e-mails. [Lemmiwinks makes some noises] Yes. And I'm afraid the ne ws is worse. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother, Wikileaks!\nSinger: Wikileaks, the bum hacker with a heart of doom.Everyone knows the gerbil king, but no one ever speaksOf Lemminwinks's brother, the evil Likiweaks...\nFrog King: Once again Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world. Only you can stop him, Lemmiweaks.\nSinger: Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two girls chat by some lockers\nEmily: It's just so embarrassing. What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab?\nTammy Nelson: It's okay Emily. Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too. [above them, Wikileaks is recording everything they say]\nEmily: Really? You too?\nTammy Nelson: That's just between us, okay?\nEmily: Of course, Tammy. I'm really glad I shared this with you. [Stan and his gang spot Wikileaks]\nStan: Stop that rat! [Wikileaks jumps off the lockers and runs for the computer lab]\nScene Description: The Computer Lab, moments later. Wikileaks jumps onto the first computer he sees, logs in, and starts typing in his latest headline: \"TAMMY NELSON AND JEN MARX 'HELP!' OUR MOMS ARE VICIOUS DRUNKS!¡\" The gang catches up to Wikileaks\nStan: Knock it off! [Wikileaks hops off and heads for the nearest air vent, and makes his escape]\nScene Description: The school library. A boy is typing into his iPhone\nTommy Edwards: I just want you to know that I have a hure crush on you and- [Wikileaks runs by and snatches the phone away in his teeth] HEY! [Wikileaks runs to the nearest computer, logs in, and types in the latest headline: \"TOMMY EDWARDS HAS A CRUSH ON MARLA WATKINS\" Butters looks in and spots Wikileaks. Wikileaks notices him]\nButters: NO Wikileaks! Bad!\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, at that moment. In the kitchen Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, Cartman, and Mr. Mackey add Ease-Lax laxatives to the pizzas just brought in from Pizza Hut\nCartman: Yup, a few more laxatives on that one, a little more Arby's horsey sauce on there, mhm.\nMr. Mackey: Eh, Is this one good?\nCartman: Yeah, I think they're all ready.\nPrincipal Victoria: You sure this will work, Eric? What if some of the students don't eat the pizza?\nCartman: It doesn't matter. Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever.\nMr. Mackey: Alright Eric, well, well get back to class. We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us.\nCartman: Uh, hold on just a second! I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment?! [leaves the preparation table and faces them] I'm not letting you guys screw me over again. Give me what I wanted, now!\nMr. Mackey: Alright, fine. Bring her in, Adler. [Mr. Adler leaves, then returns with a grinning Selena Gomez]\nCartman: Oh my God! Selena Gomez! You [gasp] you actually got her to come! [grins]\nSelena Gomez: Hi Eric. I understand you really wanted to meet me. Wanna get a picture together?\nCartman: No thanks. Okay, proceed.\nMr. Mackey: I/m sorry about this, Ms. Gomez. [Mr. Mackey punches her on the stomach twice. Cartman is awed, then smiles. Principal Victoria then smashes Gomez on the head with a baking tray] Alright, get her the fuck out of here. [Mr. Adler hauls Ms. Gomes away.]\nPrincipal Victoria: Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted. Are we straight?\nCartman: That. Was. Amazing.\nMr. Mackey: Alright now, get back to class! Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles! Trash all the Arby's horsey sauce packages too! There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here! [they hear some small gerbil sounds] What the? [notices Likiweaks on a shelf recording the action] Oh shit! [Wikiweaks runs away] Stop that rat!\nScene Description: The boy's bedroom, day. Lemmiwinks is back in his wheel, exercising\nFrog King: Alright Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now... The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks. Let us chase your destiny. [The Sparrow Prince flies in through the open window and lands on the upper edge of the gerbil cage] Ah! Sparrow Prince! What news do you bring?\nSparrow Prince: Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment. [jumps down into the cage] The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet.\nFrog King: Then the moment is truly here! Come Lemmiwinks! Let us make haste! Le-le-Lemmiwinks? His heart is so heavy. I weep for him.\nSparrow Prince: Indeed. Could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother?\nFrog King: I thank God I don't have to make that decision. [the two of them then just observe Lemmiwinks.] We might need to bring in some outside help.\nScene Description: Back in the music room, Stan is on the computer as the other eight kids look on\nStan: You see? There, look! It says Eavesdropper's biggest story every is coming out this afternoon.\nButters: Biggest story about who?\nCraig: There's no telling. It could be about any of us. [Stan gets off the computer and notices something happening above him as a blinding light appears. The light softens to reveal the Catatafish]\nCatatafish: Well met, children of Adam. I, am Catatafish.\nSingers: Catatafish of the Salmon School.\nKyle: What?\nCatatafish: I come asking for your help. There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks. But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner.\nStan: Lemmiwinks? Our old class gerbil?\nKyle: What is that thing?\nCatatafish: I am Catatafish. I am a great wizard and, I am a friend. And I'm a ghost, besides of course being a fish.\nSingers: Catatafish's tale will soon be told.\nStan: Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet?\nCatatafish: He does it purely for reasons of evil. And his treachery is not limited to humans. Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me, too. He posted on his Web site that I had sex with an underage fish, and that I made her perform bass to mouth. If you accept this quest you will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all! But the choice is yours. I'm not here to make you do anything. Like that underage salmon. I didn't make her do anything. If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault?\nSingers: Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole.</poem>\nCatatafish: No! No, see, that's wrong! It's being exaggerated again!\nKyle: Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner so we can kill this stupid rat!\nCatatafish: Careful child! I assure you, Wikileaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout. That was stupid and untrue. Did I say ass to trout? I meant to say bass to mouth, though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it.\nScene Description: The faculty restroom. Principal Victoria looks outside to make sure there's no one or nothing around, then closes the door and locks it. Mr. Mackey checks behind the mirrors for bugs while Mr. Adler checks the stalls\nPrincipal Victoria: Alright, are we sure we're alone?\nMr. Mackey: We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?\nMr. Adler: What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!\nPrincipal Victoria: This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet. Maybe it won't!\nMr. Mackey: Oh right! \"The School Faculty Tries To Poison All Their Students.\" That's not gonna be on Wikileaks!\nMr. Adler: Oh, let's just face it: We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help. We have to lie in them.\nMr. Mackey: All we were tryin' to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves! We're not bad!\nPrincipal Victoria: No, no, we're not bad.\nMr. Mackey: We're not bad. I mean, maybe what we needed was just to think outside the box here. I mean, if there's anything we've learned is that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story.\nPrincipal Victoria: What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick?\nMr. Adler: Our students committing suicide?\nMr. Mackey: Hey that's right. Corey Duran killed himself last year and we're STILL dealing with the fallout. Maybe there is a way out of this. But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus.\nMr. Adler: How do we do that?\nMr. Mackey: We get a bus... and then we... throw Eric Cartman under it.\nScene Description: The boy's house, day. The gang of nine kids has arrived at Lemmiwinks' new home and Stan and Kyle are pounding on the front door.\nMrs. Trumski: [answering the door] Yes?\nStan: Hi. Does a Vernon Trumski live here?\nMrs. Trumski: Yes, Vernon's around somewhere.\nStan: Come on, guys! [charges in with the other kids. Mrs. Trumski is about to close the door when Catatafish floats in]\nCatatafish: Excuse me.\nScene Description: Vernon's room, moments later. The kids find Lemmiwinks in his cage\nButters: There he is! [the kids go to the cage] It's Lemmiwinks! [climbs the chair beside Lemminwink's cage]\nStan: Quick, we need something to carry him in!\nKyle: Here's a shoebox! [goes for the shoebox. Vernon walks in at that moment]\nVernon: Hey! What are you doing with my gerbil?!\nStan: We just need to borrow him, kid. [Kyle hands the box to Butters]\nVernon: MOOOM! SOME KIDS ARE STEALING MY GERBIL!\nStan: [walks up to Vernon] Look dude, we don't have much time. Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper! Lemmiwinks can stop him!\nVernon: MOOOM! [Frogn King and Sparrow Prince appear in the middle of the room, hovering, and Vernon and the others notice]\nFrog King: There's no time, children! You must take Lemmiwinks now!\nKyle: Grab him! [Butters scoops Lemmiwinks into the shoe box and the group runs out the front door]\nVernon: [stops just outside the front door] MOOOM! [the group runs down the street]\nSingers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!\nFrog King: Quickly! We must get to the school! [the group makes it to a bus stop just as a transit bus is pulling away]</poem>\nStan: Whoa whoa wait, wait! [the bus stops, the door opens, and the group gets on]\nScene Description: Inside the bus, the kids and the ghost animals take seats\nSingers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!\nStan: Can't this thing go any faster?\nButters: Hang on, Lemmiwinks!\nSingers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!\nStan: Craig, are we still clear?\nCraig: Nothing broke on the Web site yet.\nFrog King: Faster driver! The final battle is about to begin! [the driver speeds up]\nSingers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!\nScene Description: From out of nowhere Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey toss a bound and gagged Cartman onto the road and watch as the bus runs over him. Principal Victoria is with them. The bus rolls a bit further, but stops due to a broken muffler. The door opens and the group steps out\nKyle: What the hell happened?!\nMr. Mackey: Oh! Oh God! Oh God he killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself! Did you see that? Oh why would he do it? [pulls out a letter] Oh wait uh here, here's a suicide note. Mkay. [opens it up and reads it:] Dear Guys, I just cannot go on mkay. I'm tired of being FAT, mkay, and I have to end it all. Mkay. -Eric Cartman.\nStan: Please, can this wait? A big story is about to about to come out on Eavesdropper and we have the only way to stop it!\nMr. Mackey: [thinks a moment] Well why the hell didn't you say so! Come on, let's go!\nFrog King: To battle!\nScene Description: South Park, midtown. Principal Victoria has got everyone packed in her car and races down the street to get to the school\nSingers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!\nFrog King: Quickly, while Lemmiwinks still has it in him!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Principal Victoria arrives at school and the group pours out of her car and rushes into the school\nSingers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!\nScene Description: The music room, moments later. Wikileaks types furiously to get the scoop out: \"SCHOOL FACULTY TRIES TO POISON STUDENTS!!\" Stan leads the group into the music room\nStan: Stop right there, you little rat!\nSingers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!\nFrog King: [appears before Wikileaks and stops him] Wikileaks, you have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish! [Sparrow Prince and Catatafish descend on the shoebox and open it. Lemmiwinks peeks out, then leaves the box]\nScene Description: The battle begins. The two gerbils stand on their hind legs and face off. Wikileaks runs off and Lemmiwinks quickly follows. The camera tries to follow the action, but gets shaky. The gerbils dance around each other for a few seconds, then rush at each other and fight.\nFrog King: Oh dude, he is fucking him up!\nButters: Look! I think Lemmiwinks killed him! [Indeed. Lemmiwinks had bit Wikileaks on the jugular and Wikileaks is bleeding. Wikileaks soon stops moving and Lemmiwinks gets off him]\nFrog King: He did it!\nMr. Mackey: [walks over to the computer and gets to work] Okay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, mkay.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, some days later. Stan puts his stuff away in his locker and closes it. He walks over to Kyle, Kenny... and Cartman, who has casts on his right arm and right leg, and who's walking with a crutch\nStan: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with.\nKyle: Yeah, but you know? I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes.\nCartman: Boy, I say.\nMr. Mackey: [rounds the corner and sees Cartman] Oh Eric! Uh, Eric, I know we kinda threw you under the bus, mkay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice.\nCartman: It's okay Mr. Mackey. I'm totally over it.\nMr. Mackey: Well I think you're being very mature about this, Eric. It was an overly generous move to give all the faculty those cupcakes. I wanna thank you. Mkay.\nCartman: Oh, you're most certainly welcome.\nMr. Mackey: [walks through them and continues down the hallway] Well students, why don't we uh- [feels a pain in his stomach] Oooh. Oh, gee, uh...\nCartman: Are you feeling okay, Mr. Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh! [lets out a wet fart] Aaaah! Oh it's bad! [so bad bits of shit shoot out his pants onto the floor] Excuse me kids, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH! [that last movement made him fly into the ceiling and back to the floor] OW!\nCartman: [softly] I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those.\nMr. Mackey: [stands up] Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels?? Or maybe a [poot. He hits the ceiling again and falls on his face] Ooowww, okay! [begins to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass] Ooohhh, it's bad!\nFrog King: Congratulations, Lemmiwinks.\nSparrow Prince: Thanks to you, private lives will stay private.\nCatatafish: Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth.\nFrog King: Just one question Lemmiwinks: How does it feel to have killed your own brother? [Lemmiwinks just gets up and walks away] Le-Lemmiwinks? [no answer] He's devastated.\nSparrow Prince: Yup, he's devastated."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The USGS in Colorado. Four men are shown at their desks working. Nelson is front and center, Randy is behind him to his right, and two more men work behind them\nRandy: I mean, look guys, I know it's just the Dolphins, but Tebow is definitely our quarterback for the future. What do you think, Nelson?\nPeter Nelson: I didn't see the game.\nRandy: [soft sneeze] You didn't see the game? What the hell were you doing?\nPeter Nelson: Took the wife down to Denver to see that new musical in town.\nRandy: A musical? [laughs and rises from his chair to approach him] Nelson couldn't watch football 'cause his wife made him take her to a musical! [laughs while moving around the desk]\nWorker 1: [bearded] Good for you, Nelson. Did you get a blowjob afterwards?\nPeter Nelson: Sure did.\nWorker 2: [clean-shaven] Niice. [Randy's smile turns into a frown]\nRandy: What?\nWorker 1: I took my girl to see that show last week. Got the best hummer of my entire life afterwards.\nPeter Nelson: Forty-five minutes non-stop.\nRandy: [surprised, then] Nuh uh.\nWorker 2: It's true. I'm taking my wife on Saturday bro.\nRandy: [looks back at him for a few seconds] Noh uh.\nPeter Nelson: I'm telling you Randy, put your time in with the musical, and the rewards afterwards are awesome.\nRandy: Must be... a pretty hot and steamy show. What's it called?\nPeter Nelson: Wicked.\nRandy: [interested] Oh. Wicked.\nScene Description: Denver, night. Wicked is playing\nSingers: ...Heaven knows we know what goodness is O heaven knows wicked people aren't good. From head to toe, she was just wicked people Head to toe... She wasn't good, to know what goodness is...\nScene Description: During the song, Sharon has her hands over her heart and she's thoroughly enchanted. Randy studies her reactions. Onstage several actors sing their hearts out. One actress descends from the rafters on a large circular ornament. Randy keeps studying Sharon\nRandy: Hey do you uh, do you want some alcohol or somethin', Sharon?\nSharon: Nono, I'm good, thanks.\nRandy: Okay, I'll be right back. [gets up and heads for the aisle, passing a couple on the way] 'Scuse me, sorry. [leaves the auditorium]\nScene Description: a bar in the theater. Randy walks up to it and takes a seat. Another man is already at the bar with the bartender\nRandy: Can I get a scotch and soda? [the bartender goes off to prepare it]\nMan 1: Enjoying the show?\nRandy: [nervous at first] Oh, yeah, it's not really what I expected.\nMan 1: No?\nRandy: To be honest, I'm just here for the blowjob. From what I heard I figured the show must be really sexy and hot, but... I just don't see it happening.\nMan 1: Oh, it'll happen, don't worry. Right now your wife is being shot so full of subliminal messages, all she'll be thinking about afterwards is \"blowjob.\"\nRandy: Subliminal messages?\nMan 1: It's a musical thing. Women are so caught up in all the singing and dancing they don't even notice it but, there's a blowjob reference almost every ten seconds. Broadway writers call it \"subtext.\" Just listen really, really closely.\nScene Description: The auditorium. Randy returns to his seat\nThe Wizard: While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go!\nSingers: Take me away to that special place (that blowjob place) Where people like us can all live free (Free to give blowjobs) Take me away and let's live together That's the place/blowjobs for you (blowjobs) and me\nScene Description: A man and woman sing next, alternating lines\nWitches: Now let's try ... defying ... gravity ...\nMale: ... Look at them ... becoming friends ... here in Oz, you love blowjobs.\nWitches: And new loves cry ... defying ... gravity ...\nMale: ... Suddenly ... Don't you love free love blowjobs?\nScene Description: The drive home. Sharon's happily looking up beyond the car ceiling\nSharon: Oho that was so much fun! All the costumes and the sets were amazing! I really love the songs. That Stephen Schwartz is a genius! I've got them all stuck in my head. [swoons a bit, then looks at Randy, then at his crotch, then at him again] Hey, that was such a treat. How would you like a little treat? [looks at his crotch again. Randy looks at her in surprise. She giggles and takes off her seatbelt, then leans over and begins to give him a blowjob]\nRandy: [softly] Whoa, no way!\nScene Description: Park County Recreation Center, day. It has an aquatic center, and in there a bunch of kids stand in line for turns on the diving board. One fat kid is on the diving board wearing a life preserver. Waiting for the board are Stan, Cartman, Shelly, Kenny, and Clyde, amongst others. The fat kid is quite afraid and is crying\nStan: Come on, Larry! [Larry continues crying] Dude, why does this happen every time?\nShelly: Do something, you stupid vegan!\nCartman: Coach! Feegan the vegan won't jump off the board! Hey Coach!\nScene Description: At the other end of the pool are Coach Randy and his coworkers, and Stephen Stotch\nRandy: You just don't get it, Stotch! I'm telling you, go see Wicked! It's the best time!\nMan 2: How long was it?\nRandy: She started in the car, and then it lasted the whole drive home, and then, she kept going for like another twenty minutes.\nWorker 2: Nice, bro!\nRandy: Get tickets, Stotch, it's worth it.\nStephen: What was the show about?\nRandy: Uh, shit, I don't know, some green chick and a goat or something.\nScene Description: The diving board. Larry is still crying up there. Shelly makes her move.\nStan: Come on, Feegan, either jump or get off! [Shelly walks up the little ladder to the board and jumps up and down]\nShelly: Go! Go! [Larry bounces up and down crying, but doesn't fall into the water]\nScene Description: The other end of the pool\nRandy: Look, I thought Broadway musicals weren't for me either, but I just didn't know about the whole subtext thing, you know? I couldn't really appreciate 'em till now.\nWorker 2: Wicked isn't even the best, bro. You've gotta check out Jersey Boys! It makes women hummer crazy!\nRandy: Really??\nWorker 1: Nonono, have you see South Pacific? That's a jaw-breaker.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon is at the computer when Randy walks in\nRandy: Say Sharon, how would you like to go to New York for the weekend?\nSharon: [gets off the chair] What?? Randy, are you serious??\nRandy: [walks up to Sharon and hugs her] I got plane tickets and a hotel room! We leave in three hours!\nSharon: Oh my God, first you take me to Wicked and now this?\nStan: Hey wait, Dad, are you guys really going away? What about us?\nRandy: Oh don't worry. I've taken care of everything! You're staying the weekend with the Feegans!\nShelly: Not the vegans!\nStan: No. Dad. Please don't do this!\nScene Description: The Feegan home, arguably the nicest house ever shown in South Park. The Feegans are indeed vegans, eating a dinner of mushrooms, alfalfa sprouts, vegan hot dogs, and tofu. They're also something of survivalists, as they all wear life preservers\nMr. Feegan: It takes a lot of guts to be a vegan in today's world! You get labeled \"soft\" or \"silly.\" [he must have been talking for a while, for Stan and Shelly look bored] But the truth is there isn't a need to eat animal products. Would you ever believe that hot dog was vegan?\nShelly: Yes.\nMr. Feegan: Cancer, heart disease, drowning, all preventable with a vegan diet and a life jacket. And if people wanna say us vegans are silly, well they can just laugh all they want, 'cause being vegan is more important than being popular!\nShelly: Maybe you should let your son decide that for himself. [Larry is stunned and drops his fork, then looks as his parents' reactions. His parents are stunned too, but grow angry]\nMr. Feegan: He does decide for himself! Larry's been a vegan since he was born! [Larry waves at her to keep going]\nShelly: Maybe if Larry had a nice steak once in a while he wouldn't get beat up by every kid in school. [Larry signals for her to keep 'em coming]\nMr. Feegan: You know that when you think you have the flu, you're actually experiencing the gastrointestinal effects of contaminated meats or eggs? Researchers have found that in meat-eating households there is more fecal bacteria in the kitchen sinks than in the toilets.\nStan: [just outside the dining room on the phone with Randy while Mr. Feegan speaks.] Dad? Dad, you have to come back. This isn't working out. [no answer] Please answer the phone Dad. [no answer. He looks around] Dad?\nScene Description: Times Square, New York, night. A huge Cup Of Soup sign looms over the square, which is filled with taxis and advertisements for everything. A taxi takes Randy and Sharon around town. An original song, \"Man Time,\" plays. First the Marshes watch \"Cats.\" A couple behind them doesn't waste any time - the woman gives her man a blowjob during the play. Randy notices and the man puts up his left thumb. Randy approves with his right thumb. The doors open and everyone exits \"Sister Act.\" Sharon whispers in Randy's ear and Randy brightens up, responds, and the couple goes away happily.\nCountry Singer: Man time! I need some Man Time! I got the horses fed and the truck locked up, been workin' my fingers to the bone. Now I need a little bit of man time, gonna see me a Broadway show!\nScene Description: Next play is \"Anything Goes\"\nFemale Sailor: Anything goes\nMale Sailor 1: Blowjob!\nFemale Sailor: Anything goes\nMale Sailor 2: Blowjob!\nScene Description: Next is \"Godspell\"\nSingers: Man time!\nFemales: Hear things more clearly\nMales: Day blowjob day!\nScene Description: Randy and Sharon are in a taxi again, and stop to see \"The Jersey Boys.\" Then they're in a taxi and Sharon gives Randy a blowjob.\nScene Description: \"Jersey Boys\"\nCountry Singer: I'm about to get drunk and loud, gonna have me a rowdy good time. All I need is my girl and my truck and some Rodgers and Hammerstein!\nScene Description: Next, they're holding hands at \"The Phantom of the Opera\"\nChristine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH\nThe Phantom: Sing, my angel of blowjob music!\nScene Description: Next, they're watching \"Les Misérables\"\nFemale: But the tigers come at night!\nMale: On you bed\nScene Description: Finally they watch \"Sunday in the Park with George\"\nSingers: Man time!\nMales: ...job, blowjob.\nFemales: It's cold up here, I'm locked up here\nScene Description: The Marshes are on a plane out of New York\nSingers: Man time!\nScene Description: Randy is falling asleep, to Sharon gives him another blowjob, and he's awake and happy.\nSingers: Man time!\nScene Description: Hooters, evening. Over curly fries and beer, Randy is sharing his trip with the group of men who were present at the aquatic center\nRandy: Oh man! It was great! A different Broadway show every night! I'm telling you guys, New York is the place to be!\nMan 2: Sounds like a dream, bro.\nRandy: It felt like a dream, bro. Broadway is simply the greatest time a dude can have. Just kind of sucks to be back here now, you know? I mean there's no culture here. Only Broadway show in Denver is \"Wicked\" and I've already taken Sharon to see it twenty three times.\nWorker 1: And Wicked moves to Seattle in a couple of weeks.\nPeter Nelson: It's gonna be blue balls for all of us.\nStephen: Wish we could live in New York where all the musicals are.\nRandy: Hey. Wait a minute. Why not bring Broadway to South Park?\nBob: Huh?\nRandy: [gets up and walks off a bit] Think about it, brah. How hard can writing a musical be? We need some musicians, some actors. We can put on our own shows right here in town.\nScene Description: At a playhouse. Randy has begun rehearsals for his own musical. Onstage are the actors and a park bench\nLady 1: [dressed in cyan] O what a glorious Sunday. I know what I'd like to do with my time. [walks up to man nearby] Would you like a blowjob?\nMan 3: Yes I would like a blowjob [smiles]\nBoth: Nothing beats a blowjob on football Sunday.\nLady 1: [approaches a man on a bench] Excuse me, I'm the queen of blowjobs.\nMan 4: Really? I would love a blowjob.\nAll: A woman should give blowjobs on football Sunday\nLady 1: I want to be covered in semen on a bed in the Hotel Jerome [the park bench is pulled away and the actors gather around her] A woman is prettiest covered in semen.\nAll: Give you husband a blowjob when you get home.\nMan 4: [to Lady 2, dressed in pink] And what about you, my fair lady? Could I trouble you for a quick Lewinsky?\nLady 2: Oh I don't know, kind sir. Blowjobs seem a little degrading to me.\nMan 4: Come now, a blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart.\nMen: Now get on your knees and put that heart to work!\nAll: Blowjobs, give up your blowjobs.\nScene Description: concurrent\nMen: You're guilty at blowjobs, you love giving blowjobs\nWomen: ... Blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs\nScene Description: together\nSingers: So what could be better on a football Sunday? What could be better on a football Sunday?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Larry walks up with a daisy and knocks. Shelly opens the door and they look at each other for a few more seconds\nShelly: What do you want, Larry? [Larry raises the daisy up slowly, presenting it to her]\nLarry: Today, I went to 7-11 and I ate a Slim Jim. It was the greatest thing I ever tasted. Nobody ever stood up for me before. [sets the daisy on the landing, then turns around and trots off. Shelly looks on in wonder]\nScene Description: The playhouse, next day. More rehearsals. Man 4's stage name is now given\nLady 1: Oh Reginald! How about a hummer at halftime? A Super Bowl suckle from me?\nReginald: A Super bowl hummer at halftime from my lovely blowjob queen!\nBoth: Two people in love it's amazing. Tim Tebow please don't let us down. How about a hummer at halftime-?\nRepresentative: Mr. Randy Marsh?\nRandy: And hold! [the stage falls silent] Sorry folks, we're in a hold. Just freeze right there. [to the representative] Uhh, this better be important.\nRepresentative: It is. I represent some of the biggest names in all of Broadway. They wish to speak with you.\nRandy: Really? Oh my Gaw! [to the cast] Take a break, guys. this could be it!\nScene Description: Hooters, day. The messenger and Randy walk in and towards a table\nRepresentative: Mr. Marsh, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber [eating a drumstick]\nWebber: Helleow.\nRepresentative: Stephen Schwartz\nSchwartz: [gruffly] Hey bro.\nRepresentative: Mr. Elton John. [Elton John belches] and Stephen Sondheim.\nSondheim: Sup bro?\nRandy: Not much, sup with you guys?\nSondheim: No. I mean, \"sup, bro!\"\nWebber: Sit down, Mr. Marsh, we need to have a talk. [Randy takes a seat]\nSchwartz: We got wind of your musical. Just what the hell do you think you're doing?\nRandy: Same as you guys. Trying to get men lengthier, better-quality blowjobs.\nElton John: You're making it too obvious! Women are gonna figure out what we're doin'!\nSondheim: Musicals are about subtext!\nRandy: My musical has lots of subtext.\nSondheim: \"A blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.\"\nRandy: And then she does. It's a metaphor.\nSchwartz: Bro! What's metaphorical about a musical called \"Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen\"?!\nWebber: Tricking bitches into hour-long blowjobs is an art form. You have to leave it to the professionals!\nRandy: [rises] Well sorry if you guys think you have a monopoly on subtext! But us up-and-comers have a voice too!\nSondheim: You're gonna ruin everything, you idiot!\nRandy: Sorry if my work isn't up to your standards! [rises, moving his chair aside] And now I need to get back to rehearsals. [leaves, then stops and turns around] Oh. And if \"Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen\" wins the Tony, don't expect to be invited to my after party. [turns around and walks out]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Larry walks up and knocks. Shelly opens the door and they look at each other for a few seconds. Larry now has a tiny guitar\nShelly: What do you want, Larry? [he begins to play her a tune]\nLarry: You make me come out of my shell, Shelly. You give me strength where there was only fear I ate at a Burger King today, Shelly And stood up to a boy who called me \"queer\" When you pushed me off the diving board I ...fell. And you make the world a nicer place, Shelly So I can come out of my... shell. [sets the guitar on the landing, then slowly takes off his life preserver and sets it on the landing as well. He turns around and trots off again. He makes a right on the sidewalk and runs]\nShelly: Hey! [Larry stops and looks back] Do you wanna play Settlers of Catan on Xbox? [Larry turns around]\nScene Description: Back at the playhouse, Randy continues with rehearsals. The Queen carries a Broncos flag\nActors: Blow- job- Queen! Don't stop giving that blowjob. Even when you're tired, don't stop! Don't stop! Shaaaaroooon!\nWorker 2: [leads the group of Randy's friends] Randy! Randy, brah!\nRandy: [to the cast] Uh, and hold. [the stage falls silent] Sorry folks, we're in a hold. [the actors are frozen in place] What is it now?\nWorker 2: Stephen Sondheim is really pissed off, Randy. He says he wants to challenge you to a bro down.\nRandy: [stunned at first, then gets angry] Fine! He wants to bro down?! I'll bro down! [leaves the table and walks up the aisle towards the exit]\nWorker 2: Randy, no! Stephen Sondheim is the greatest Broadway composer alive today! Perhaps the greatest of all time! You do NOT want to bro down with him.\nRandy: [quietly] Then what am I supposed to do?! Run?\nMan 2: Don't bro down against Sondheim, Randy! It's suicide!\nRandy: I've studied musicals! I've seen them all! I could do this! [turns] Let's bro down! [goes out the doors]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, Shelly's room. This is the first time we see it.\nLarry: Oh no, you built another settlement?\nShelly: And I got a victory point for the most roads connecting settlements.\nLarry: [laughing merrily] Oh wow!\nScene Description: The living room below. Sharon and Mrs. Feegan enjoy some tea between them\nMrs. Feegan: They're having such a great time together. I really wanna thank you, Sharon.\nSharon: No, no, little Larry is really making Shelly come out of her shell too.\nMrs. Feegan: I have to admit it makes me a little nervous having Larry up there without a life preserver on, but I guess we have to take changes sometimes.\nSharon: That's what we're doing, putting our faith in Randy's new musical.\nMrs. Feegan: That's right, I, I hear his musical is getting a lot of attention, that it really has a chance of making it.\nSharon: Oho, more than a chance. Randy's actually having a meeting right now with Stephen Sondheim.\nScene Description: Hooters parking lot, at that very moment. A crowd of bros watch Randy and Sondheim face off, circling each other\nRandy: Whassup brah?!\nSondheim: What brah?!\nRandy: Sup brah?!\nSondheim: Take a swing, brah!\nRandy: Right here, brah! [they continue circling each other]\nWebber: Let's go, Sondheim! Wipe the street with his punk ass!\nRandy: What makes you the brauthority brah?!\nSondheim: West Side Story, brah!\nRandy: What brah?!\nSondheim: Sweeney Todd, brah!\nRandy: What brah?! What brah?!\nSondheim: Merrily We Rode Along, bro! Why you gotta disrespect, bro?!\nRandy: I do respect you, bro!\nSondheim: Show some respect, bro!\nRandy: I do respect you, bro!\nSondheim: Then stop disrespectin', bro!\nRandy: I respect you, bro!\nSondheim: Okay, I respect you too!\nRandy: Okay! [the two men stay quiet begin to relax]\nSchwartz: The bro down is over! Let's bro out!\nSpectator: Bro out!\nSpectator 2: Party people!\nScene Description: Hooters, later. Randy sits between Webber and Sondheim. The combatants now share some beer, clinking their mugs together\nRandy: Oh man, I'm so glad we put our differences aside! That's what bros do!\nSchwartz: That's what bros fuckin' do!\nSondheim: You're alright, Marsh. If it's cool with you, bro, Elton and Andrew and all of us wanna help you with your musical.\nRandy: Hey, really??\nElton John: Yeh. We can help youse out a li'l bit with the subtext. [checks out a waitress as she passes by - first her breasts, then her face]\nWebber: How about instead of \"Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen\" we call it... \"The Woman In White\"\nRandy: Oh, that is beautiful!\nBros: [all approve] Yeeeeeeeah!\nSondheim: And a cheer to Randy Marsh. Welcome... to Bro'dway.\nRandy: Bro'dwaaay!\nSondheim: Wooooooooooo!\nWebber: Woohoo!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy walks into the living room\nRandy: Ooof. [rubs the back of his head for a moment, then walks by the sofa, where Sharon is reading a book]\nSharon: Hey hun.\nRandy: Hi babe. Sorry, I'm... [stops behind the sofa] kind of hanging out with the guys.\nSharon: Ruhur-Randy, it's fine. You do plenty with me. Did you have a good time?\nRandy: Yeah, yeah, and we really made some progress with the show. Andrew Lloyd Webber and those guys are gonna help us with it.\nSharon: Oho Randy, that's great! I'm really proud of you.\nRandy: Aw Sharon, you're the best. I'm not feeling a hundred percent; do you care if I go lay down?\nSharon: Of course not, go ahead, hun.\nRandy: [heads for the stairs] Alright babe.\nSharon: I'm just gonna wait up for Shelly.\nRandy: Okay. What's Shelly doing?\nSharon: I gave her those tickets to \"Wicked.\" [Randy stops and looks back at Sharon] She's seeing it with her little boyfriend.\nRandy: [does a double take, then plants his hands on the bannister] She's WHAT?!\nSharon: Yeah, her and little Larry Feegan. They're going to see \"Wicked\" together. It's Shelly's first Broadway musical.\nRandy: OH! [runs back outside] Shelly! Hold on! [closes the door. Sharon just watches him go and smiles]\nScene Description: On the road to Denver. Randy has gone back for Sharon and is driving madly down the road. He mows down a mailbox\nSharon: Randy, slow down! Jesus Christ!\nRandy: AWWWWWWW! Why didn't you tell me Shelly was gonna see \"Wicked\"?!\nSharon: Why does it matter?!\nRandy: She's too young for that stuff!\nSharon: Too young?!\nRandy: This is what I get! I drank from the lie that is Broadway and now it has my daughter!\nSharon: That's it, Randy! Turn this car around right now!\nRandy: I can't!\nSharon: WHY?!\nRandy: Aww! Alright, look. There's something I should have told you a long time ago, Sharon. Broadway musicals... aren't what you think they are! They're subliminal propaganda to get women to give more blowjobs! On the outside it's all singing and dancing, but buried in it are commands to perform oral sex. It's called subtext.\nSharon: [crosses her arms and looks away] That's ridiculous! Musicals don't make me wanna give blowjobs!\nRandy: D'augh. Do you remember the night after we saw \"Wicked\"?\nSharon: Yes. Oh... Well, yeah, but-\nRandy: And after \"Lion King\" in New York? \"Godspell\"? \"Mamma Mia\"?\nSharon: Oh my gosh.\nRandy: Broadway shows' sole purpose is to make women famished for blowjobs! I'm so sorry Sharon.\nSharon: Nuh-nn No, this is crazy! Musical theater people are respected. Refined. Cultured.\nRandy: No, they're... they're bros, Sharon. Stephen Sondheim, Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber... They're total bros who hang out at Hooters. Sharon, I'm so sorry.\nSharon: It can't be! I've loved Broadway musicals ever since I saw \"Grease\" with Jacob Harrison and his brother Kip and we- [gasps and puts her hands over her heart] Oh my God!\nRandy: AAAA!\nSharon: AAAA!\nRandy: Shelly! [steps on the gas pedal, and the car goes past 60 mph]\nScene Description: At the Denver Playhouse. Larry and Shelly are watching the play.\nSingers: No one cares about wicked people. Now she's gone but we don't care. And are we gonna live in peace, and all live free, you'll see. O Heaven knows we know what goodness is O heaven knows wicked people aren't good. From head to toe-\nScene Description: During the singing\nRandy: [stopping by random rows] Shelly? Shelly? [he finds her and gets to her row] Shelly, come on. We have to go!\nShelly: Dad, what are you doing here?\nRandy: Right now, Shelly! [A woman sitting by the aisle shushes him] Shelly, you are not watching this trash! Now, come on!\nElderly Man: Would you mind?! I'm trying to enjoy this musical with my granddaughter!\nRandy: Oh you fucking pervert!\nUsher: Alright, get the hell out of here, you! [he and another usher haul him away]\nRandy: Shelly! [the two ushers take him outside and away from the playhouse, then push him away.]\nScene Description: Outside the playhouse. Randy stumbles and falls in front of Creepy City Costumes & Novelties. Sharon catches up with him\nSharon: Randy! [Randy gets up and smashes a window open with his left elbow, then reaches in. Sharon turns away so she doesn't get hit with shards of glass, then turns back] Randy, what are you doing?!\nRandy: [bent over, putting on a costume] It's time to put an end to Broadway once and for all! [gets up dressed as Spider-Man, and puts on the mask last. He runs back into the playhouse]\nScene Description: Back inside the playhouse\nThe Wizard: While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go!\nSingers: \nScene Description: During the song, a shot of Larry and Shelly is shown. Onstage a witch moves towards on stage, only to be kicked away by Randy as he swings down from the rafters\nAudience: Ohhhh.\nScene Description: Randy comes back around and kicks down another actor. He then swings up into the audience and almost kicks a man in the balcony\nAudience Member: Hey, it's Spider-Man\nScene Description: on his way down, Randy kicks a few audience members out of their seats\nRandy: Sorry! Sorry.\nScene Description: Randy knocks out three more cast members on stage, then goes up into the rafter. He strikes a water main and knocks out the valve, releasing the water onto the stage and audience\nRandy: Agh! [swings onto one of the side balconies, knocking out a man. Randy gets his bearings on a rail and swings back towards the orchestra pit. He knocks out the conductor and finds himself dangling from a chandelier, the cable wrapped around his right ankle. The stage lights go out and the house lights come on]\nAnnouncer: Sorry folks, we are in a hold. We are in a hold.\nAudience: Awwwwww. [And that ends that showing]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Shelly's in her bed, watching TV. Her bedroom door is ajar\nField Reporter: The musical came to a screeching halt as patrons flooded out the exits and water flooded the theater. [one of the actors is being led to an ambulance] The only fatality was a young boy who could not get out of the theater in time. The fire chief said it was unfortunate the child was not wearing a life preserver. [Shelly begins to sob softly]\nRandy: [looks in, then opens the door some more and enters] Shelly, I'm sorry your little friend was killed by Spider-Man tonight. Just know that... for Spider-Man to do what he did, he must have had a very good reason. Spider-Man works in mysterious ways, Shelly. And wherever he is, he loves you. [backs out and closes the door]\nScene Description: The master bedroom. Sharon is already in bed and Randy slips in next to her\nRandy: [glancing at Sharon from time to time] It's just so... wrong! For men to m- manipulate women like that! I don't care how much singing and dancing there is, a woman's mouth is sacred! Tomorrow I am calling Woman's Day magazine, and exposing the whole conspiracy! [looks at Sharon] I'm sorry, Sharon. I love you. [lies down] I shouldn't have tried to brainwash you. You have every right to be mad.\nSharon: I don't know if I can really be that mad at you for doing something every guy in America does.\nRandy: Really?\nSharon: [sits up] Oh Randy, [kneels before him. Randy sits up] the bottom line is I love going to those shows. If the fallout from that is I make you really happy for a while, well, I guess they're actually a pretty magical thing.\nRandy: [rises and kneels before her] Oh Sharon, you're the best. [they laugh and hug each other]\nSharon: So, what Broadway show do you think is coming to Denver next?\nRandy: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's worth the ticket price, because couples that pay to see it are stronger, better, and much, much happier.\nAnnouncer: \"The Book of Mormon.\" You'll get a blowjob."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school has been assembled in the auditorium. Principal Victoria, Mr. Adler, and Mr. Mackey are on stage with a representative from SPUSD, or something. The image the rep stands in front of is the presidential seal, with the words \"PRESIDENT'S COUNCIL ON FITNESS, SPORTS & NUTRITION\" written on it\nBoard rep: Last week the students of this school participated in the Presidential Fitness Test. I'm sad to announce that South Park Elementary scored the lowest in health and fitness in the entire country. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] On the whole, you students actually scored fine. But the President's Fitness Test is scored on a school-wide average, and one fourth grader at this school scored so low, with a terrifying body fat score, [Cartman knows the man is talking about him], and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels of a seventy-year-old man, that it actually brought you entire school's average down to the lowest in the country. [Cartman yawns] However, the Presidential Fitness Program never wants to single out one child, because then that child might feel bad. And so as far as we're concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs.\nPrincipal Victoria: Ah, could you please use a little different terminology?\nBoard rep: Sorry. As far as the board is concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs. And so it is the recommendation of this board that every week, each class will alternate turns, giving up their recesses and instead reporting to PE.\nAssembly: AWWW!\nScene Description: The school gym, day. Mr. Garrison's class is in PE\nCoach: Alright, fourth grade class, you're up first. We're gonna do some rope-climbin'.\nStan: God this sucks!\nKyle: Four weeks we gotta do this?\nCartman: Well let's just suck it up, guys. All we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it. [Stan, Kyle, and some other kids are not amused]\nCoach: Alright McCormick, let's start with you. Climb the rope. [Kenny approaches the rope, jumps up, and starts climbing]\nCartman: Heheh! Look at Kenny. He's so poor, huh you guys? His family's so poor they couldn't pay the three ninety nine for the gym outfit. [Kenny climbs down and Kyle approaches]\nCoach: Alright, let's go Broflovski. [Kyle jumps on and starts climbing]\nCartman: Heheheheheh! Look you guys, a Jew on a rope. You know what they call a Jew on a rope?\nStan: Alright Cartman, stop ripping on other people to make yourself less embarrassed about the fact that we're all here because of you!\nCartman: Hey whoa, we are here because the average score was low. That's about all of us.\nStan: Because of you! It's your fault that we have to do this! We have to do this because you're unhealthy!\nCraig: Yeah. We're paying for your being fat.\nCartman: Wow, Craig. I can't believe you just went there. Here we were having a perfectly nice conversation about Kenny being poor and Kyle being a Jew, and you just decided to go 9/11 and bust out the fat quip.\nWendy: We ARE here because of you, Eric, so just keep your mouth shut!\nCartman: Oh my God! Why doesn't everyone just back off?! I know how this works: You're the 99% ganging up on the 1%!\nClyde: Oh grow up.\nCartman: Jesus Christ!! The 99% is totally ganging up on me!\nStan: That's what we mean by \"grow up\" dude! Stop being a baby!\nCraig: Yeah, why don't you go home and cry to your stuffed animals again?! [Cartman gasps]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, afternoon. Cartman is crying to his stuffed animals again. Or at least to his plushies\nCartman: Ngh, and then, and then Wendy said that they were the 99% and I was the 1% and that made me not keeeewl.\nClyde Frog: But Eric, you are cool.\nCartman: I know, Clyde Frog, but now the 99% is saying everything is my faaault.\nPeter Panda: It's not your fault, Eric. How can they blame you for what is clearly President Obama's fault?\nCartman: What do you mean, Peter Panda?\nPeter Panda: You didn't make that stupid Presidential Fitness Test. Obama did.\nPolly Prissypants: Yeah, that's right Eric. You don't need to grow up. You are awesome and keeewl.\nCartman: Thanks Polly Prissypants. I'm just so scared that all the kids at school are gonna be talkin' about me behind my back.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime has arrived and all the kids are in the cafeteria.\nButters: Ehe, and so then, Skeletor told Terminator he wanted a divorce, and apparently it's all gonna be finalized soon.\nStan: Dude, Butters, how many times do we have to go over this? That's not Skeletor, that's a woman named Maria Shriver.\nButters: Uh but, then, why does his face look like that? [the doors burst open and Cartman steps in and looks around. No one says a word]\nCartman: What? What?! WHAT?! What are you guys talking about? What are you guys doin'-What are you talking about? I knew it! You guys are having a big 99% rally, aren't you?! Occupying the cafeteria?! You wanna know why you guys are all here protesting?! Because you're pissed off, but you actually think it's wrong to be pissed off at a black president, so you're all just pissed off at ME! Well go ahead! Have your little rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%! See what it gets you! [slams a door, but it doesn't close. Cartman walks out]\nButters: Hey, you know? Eric is right. Maybe we should form a 99% club.\nJimmy: Yeah. It's not a bad idea. If all the students unite, we can work together to fight the f-f-fit.\nFifth Grader: Yeah. The fifth graders agree. We're all being punished for one lazy bitch. Let's make him suffer.\nJimmy: All we need is some good old-fashioned di... di... di... diplomacy.\nScene Description: President's Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition, Colorado Division Reigional Office, day. Jimmy and Butters are seated at a desk facing the Board rep, who's also seated\nJimmy: Hello sir, we are here on behalf of all fourth graders at South Park Elementary.\nBoard rep: Aahh yes, the Fatty Boombalatty class. How's the extra PE treating you?\nButters: Sir, we believe your fitness system is flawed, and that for 99% of us, it is unfair.\nBoard rep: What do you want me to do about it?\nJimmy: Well, sir, we believe that the 1% should be dropped from the fitness results, so that our scores can be more accurate.\nBoard rep: [rises from his chair and approaches a chart] 'Fraid that's impossible. The National Fitness Test has very specific standards. No one child can ever be made to feel singled out. We don't even like to use the term \"physically fit\" anymore because it can make a student feel unphysically fit, and then that student might end up feeling like a total retard.\nJimmy: ...Excuse me, can you use a different terminology please?\nBoard rep: A-and then that fourth grader might end up feeling like a total retard.\nButters: Sir, all of the students already know who the 1% is.\nJimmy: All you're doing is making the other 99% more angry. I warn you: this could turn very ugly.\nScene Description: Cartman's bedroom, day. He walks into his room, which is quite trashed. He looks around in horror, then goes back downstairs, where he spots his mom paying some bills at the table\nCartman: Mom, have you been here all day?!\nLiane: No, sweetie, I've been at the hair salon. Why?\nCartman: Somebody's been in my room! [she looks up at him as he goes back to his room. He looks under his things to see if anything is missing. His mom appears at the door] Fucking 99%ers! What did they take?!\nLiane: Are you sure, sweetie?\nCartman: Am I sure?? Look at this place!\nLiane: But who would want to s-\nCartman: [turns around and glares at her] Don't you get it Mom?! People voted for Obama, so now that everything sucks they have to blame me! [goes back to searching his stuff and finds a watch] They didn't take my Stormtrooper watch... [finds a video game] My Arkham City game is still here... what else could they have- [looks at a corner of his room. A chair set apart for Clyde Frog is empty, but his other four dolls are arranged and seated in from of it.] Oh my God. [panicking] Clyde Frog!\nLiane: What?\nCartman: No. [goes to the corner and tosses his dolls aside, then looks up in despair] NOOO! [runs to his closet and looks in there. He doesn't find Clyde Frog in there] CLYDE FROG!! [stops to tell him mom] They took Clyde Frog! [runs out of his room. Liane is confused]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, outside in the back yard. Cartman runs out and looks around\nCartman: [calling out and walking around] Clyde Frog! Clyde!? Clyde Frog?! [stops and notices something on a tree. It is Clyde Frog, nailed to a tree through his front paws and forehead. It's ripped all over and cotton pops out of the rips. Under the frog is the word \"VENGEANCE\" scratched onto the tree bark in red spray paint] Clyde. CLYDE FROG! [throws up]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, outside in the back yard. Cartman is holding a lavish funeral for Clyde Frog\nCartman: I've known Clyde Frog since I was two years old. He was a fighter, a visionary. But most of all, Clyde Frog was the perfect friend. He never said anything. He never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do. He just sat there goin' along with whatever I wanted. A noble trait that seems lost on you 99%ers. [Stan and Kyle are falling asleep. Kyle rests his head on his left hand] And now we live in a world where one of you has decided to become a murderer. Well whoever you are, I'm sure you're sitting there right now, in your little green hat, with your left cheek resting against your hand thinking, \"I'm not getting away with this, am I?\" Because whoever you are, maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left, covered up and tainted black by years of Jewish propaganda and left-wing lies. Maybe you should just-\nKyle: Shut the hell up, Cartman!\nCartman: Got something to say Kyle?! [grips the sides of the podium]\nKyle: How do you murder a stuffed animal?!\nCartman: How do you murder a stuffed animal?! You tell us, Kyle! [stops himself] Butbut but but, but uh but let's not get ahead of ourselves. There's still a biiig investigation to come. And until we prove beyond a reasonable doubt who the killer was, you are all just as guilty as Kyle. Thank you so much. Bagpipes please. [a bagpipe player begins a tune. Two men lower the casket into the ground]\nCartman: Fly, fly little dove, to the welcome arms of Christ above. Your tears are finally gone to-\nCraig: Where's our five dollars?\nCartman: Fly bu-what?\nCraig: It said in the e-mail if we came we each got five dollars.\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: [thinks a moment] Five dollars has been donated in each of your names to the Clyde Frog Foundation. Fly fly fly...\nClass: AWWW! [all the kids get up and leave]\nKid 1: Come on!\nKid 2: Screw this.\nKid 4: Hurry up, screw this.\nCartman: Oh fine, go on and leave! I'm gonna find out who did this to Clyde, and I'm gonna have your fuckin' balls! Fly to Christ.\nScene Description: President's Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition, Colorado Division Reigional Office, day. The Board rep looks over some reports while leaning against his desk. A receptionist walks up to him\nReceptionist: Sir? Sir, do you remember the kids from that South Park Elementary School?\nBoard rep: Oh yes, the Boom Boom Chubby Choom Choom school.\nReceptionist: They're all protesting outside, saying our system isn't fair to the 99% of them.\nBoard rep: [runs to the front door followed by the receptionist] Oh my Jesus! Oh, not a 99% rally.\nScene Description: Outside, on a small strip of grass in a parking lot. Butters and Jimmy hold up some protest signs\nButters: I sure hope this works.\nField reporter 1: [out of nowhere] Tom, I'm reporting from the middle of a protest where two fourth grade students are fed up, and have decided to occupy Red Robin. Occupy Red Robin has been going on for several hours now, and boys, technically I am part of the 99% so, what do I have to say about all this? [no comment from either of the boys]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, dining room. The lights are low. Cartman and his plushies are seated around the table, and Cartman serves himself some tea.\nCartman: Thank you all so much for coming. I realize that Clyde Frog's death is as shocking to all of you as it is to me.\nPeter Panda: Why would somebody do such a terrible thing?\nPolly Prissypants: Why would somebody hurt Clyde Frog, Eric? Especially because you are so awesome and keewl.\nCartman: I know that I'm awesome and keewl, Polly Prissypants, but it has little relevance at the moment to Clyde Frog's murder!\nRumpertumskin: Let's stop the charades, Eric, and let's get down to business.\nCartman: What do you mean, Rumpertumskin?\nRumpertumskin: We all know who fuckin' killed Clyde Frog, and she's the same dirty slut who's been fucking with us our whole lives!\nLiane: Eric, sweetie, is everything okay?\nPolly Prissypants: Does everything look okay?\nPeter Panda: Sit down, you fucking bitch.\nCartman: Yes, sit down, mother. We are all having a tea party.\nLiane: [takes a seat at the other end of the table] Uh sweetie, I see that you're a little... disturbed right now, but, maybe you can-\nPolly Prissypants: Shut your fat piehole, bitch!\nRumpertumskin: Yeah! You know what you did, skank! You let Clyde Frog get murdered!\nLiane: No, Rumpertumskin, I didn't. I swear.\nMuscleman Marc: Then why did you write in your diary \"It was probably time for Eric to grow out of his stuffed animals\" anyway?!\nCartman: That's an excellent point, Muscleman Marc. Please continue.\nMuscleman Marc: Well, all I'm saying, Eric, is that-\nLiane: Sweetie, you really can just talk to me if you-\nMuscleman Marc: ALL I'M SAYING, ERIC, is that you went through your mom's diary for a reason!\nLiane: Eric, I promise you, I didn't do anything to your favorite toy. Whoever did this to you, I hate them as much as you do, and I'd do anything to get to the bottom of it.\nCartman: So then, we are all going to need some... more tea.\nScene Description: Occupy Red Robin, day. Butters and Jimmy are now joined by a bongo drummer and a dancing man wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. They are surrounded by South Park's emergency services and the media, and one Java Jim's truck.\nSgt. Yates: [on the phone calling for backup] You'd better give me every cop you've got on the South Side! I don't care where ABC parks their truck, as long as it doesn't block the fire trucks! [hangs up and walks to the command center nearby] Jesus, this protest is getting out of hand! Alright, what exactly are we dealing with?\nOfficer 1: It's no good. The protest has quadrupled in size since this morning. As you can see from this aerial photograph, the protest covers almost two square miles. We have right officers here, here, and here. The media has been contained in this area. [next to Red Robin]\nSgt. Yates: And where are the actual protesters?\nOfficer 1: Oh, these two people right here. [circles the spot on which Butters and Jimmy stand]\nSgt. Yates: How are we gonna contain this ting?!\nOfficer 2: I'm afraid it's about to get worse. You see this area here? This is where we're setting up the stage for Bon Jovi.\nSgt. Yates: Bon Jovi?\nOfficer 2: These are good cops! We can't have them standing around for hours without some entertainment! The problem is, with this area blocked by napping tents, we have no place to serve the officers beer.\nSgt. Yates: Damnit! Don't these protesters know what this is all heading towards? [steps forward] Full-on class warfare.\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sound asleep, snoring even, when his room begins to glow. Flames appear. Cartman begins to wake up from the heat and sits up. He sees the flames\nCartman: What the hell?! [the flames set his curtains on fire. He sees them next to his bed and stands up on the bed] Mom? Mom, my room is... [turns around and sees Peter Panda and his dresser on fire] AAAH!! PETER PANDA!!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, after the fire. Police and fire have come to his rescue, and a fireman comes down the ladder with the charred remains of Peter Panda\nFireman 1: The fire started with this. Definitely a case of arson. Somebody hates this kid.\nCartman: [runs up] Don't you touch him! Leave him alone! [swats the doll out of the fireman's hands] Peter Panda!\nPeter Panda: Eh, Eric.\nCartman: Don't try to talk, Peter Panda! You're gonna be okay!\nPeter Panda: Eric... Remember... [sobbing] Stay... keeewl. [Eric begins bawling. The fireman picks the doll back up]\nFireman 2: Sorry kid, we need to take this as evidence.\nCartman: [on all fours] Noohoho! Peter Panda nooo!\nScene Description: Red Robin, inside. A female field reporter comments\nFemale reporter: The 99%ers movement continues to grow as more and more Americans occupy Red Robin. I asked some of the people exactly what they hoped to accomplish. [earlier] And sir, what do you hope to accomplish by this movement?\nPatron: I like the uh, A1 Peppercorn Burger. And they got ummm, bo-bottomless fries.\nFemale reporter: And as the protesters inside Red Robin unite together, word is that filmmaker Michael Moore has joined the protesters outside.\nScene Description: Outside\nMichael Moore: [through his bull horn] I look at the faces of you protesters and I see the future of America! We are the 99%! YESSS!!\nScene Description: A house in the neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach the front door. Their bikes are scattered all over the lawn. Kyle knocks on the door and a fifth grader answers it\nKyle: Hey dude, ah are you the guys messing with Cartman's stuffed animals?\nFifth grader: Maybe we are and maybe we aren't. You got any proof?\nStan: Well, just... you and your friends were the ones saying Cartman needs to suffer?\nFifth grader: That doesn't prove anything. That fat little fuck is finally getting what's coming to him.\nKyle: Yeah, but dude, he seriously could have died in that fire.\nFifth grader: He's in your class but you don't deal with him! So we are gonna remedy the situation! We've got big plans! Just stay out of our way and let the men handle this! [closes the door. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn around to leave.]\nScene Description: The Black residence, night. Liane and Cartman are staying there while their own house is repaired. Liane is at a table with Token's parents] drinking coffee\nLiane: Thank you so much for allowing Eric and I to stay here.\nBob: Of course. You can't be staying in a home with that much fire damage.\nLinda: To be honest, we're just a little surprised your son begged you to stay with us. We never knew your son and our son were so close.\nLiane: I asked little Eric where he would feel safest, and he said with his friend Token.\nScene Description: Token's room. Token has a sports-car bed. Cartman is being paranoid\nCartman: This window locks from the inside, right? And this door has a lock on it too? Don't worry Polly Prissypants, you're gonna be safe here. In this day and age, black people are just impervious to being fucked with, so we will be alright.\nToken: Why are you involving me in this?\nCartman: Token, please. You're the only person I can trust. Because in today's time, black people are somehow incapable of doing something wrong.\nScene Description: Occupy Red Robin, next day. Butters is gone for the moment, so only Jimmy stands there with his protest sign. Everyone else is still where they were\nField reporter 2: Breaking news from the Occupy Red Robin movement. The protesters have decreased in number from two to one, as one of the protesters has apparently splintered off from the group to start a new movement: Occupy the Restroom.\nScene Description: The restroom area. The first reporter is close to the mens' room\nField reporter 1: Tom, Occupy the Restroom has been going on for almost thirty minutes now. Certainly a sign that this country is more divided than ever. These 99%ers are fed up, [backs up to the restroom door] and as a result you can clearly see this restroom is \"OCCUPIED.\" [points to a little window that now reads \"OCCUPIED.\" A second later, a toilet is flushed inside. The door opens and Butters exits zipping his pants up.] Uh, Tom, it looks like the movement is finished, but from the time it took, it must have been a pretty decent-sized movement.\nScene Description: Occupy Red Robin. Butters returns and takes up his sign\nScene Description: The Black residence, night. Cartman has made himself at home in Token's room with his dolls, chips, and Token's remote control. Token is not pleased and has crossed his arms\nToken: [getting irritated] Will you stop changing channels and just pick something?\nCartman: What do you wanna watch, Polly Prissypants?\nToken: This is my room! I'll take the remote from you!\nCartman: Muh uh, 'cause I'll tell my mom on you when our parents get home.\nToken: You're a guest here! Your mom isn't in charge!\nCartman: Naw uh, 'cause my house got burned down, so everyone has to feel bad for me. [the alarm sounds. Cartman puts his chips aside and gathers his toys close] What is that? WHAT IS THAT?!\nToken: That's the alarm; someone's in the backyard.\nCartman: What?! Who?!\nToken: I don't know.\nCartman: I thought I was safe here! Stay there guys, I'll be right back! [Token looks out his window, Cartman leaves the bedroom]\nScene Description: The Black residence, back yard, night. Cartman runs outside with the bat\nCartman: Who's there?! [notices Token coming out behind him] Lock that door behind you, Token. [then shouts at whomever might be there] Black people live here! [some flood lights come on]\nToken: A motion detector. [Kyle's shadow runs by and Cartman notices it. He gives chase and tackles Kyle]\nCartman: Aha! I knew it was you, Kyle!\nKyle: It's not me! I'm here to help you, fatass!\nCartman: Oh sure!\nStan: [walking out from behind a garage] Stop it, Cartman! It's true! We came to keep an eye out. Stephen Tamil said he had something big planned.\nCartman: Stephen Tamill? The fifth grader? [looks around] Oh shit! [drops the bat and runs back inside] I told you to lock that door, Token! [runs up to Token's room and searches for his stuffed toys] No. [sees the other four boys come in] Nononono! [grabs Kenny by the throat and shakes him] Where are they Kenny??!!\nKenny: [slaps Cartman's hand off] (I don't really know!)\nCartman: HAAAAGH! [runs out and closes the door, then locks it and runs off]\nStan: Hey! Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: [returns] I don't trust any of you assholes! [to his dolls] Where are you sons of bitches?! [leaves]\nScene Description: The fifth grader's house. Three fifth graders stand on the front lawn\nStephen Tamill: Alright guys. You ready?\nClassmates: Ready!\nStephen Tamill: Here we GO! [he and one of his friends raise their signs, and the three of them march forth]\nScene Description: Occupy Red Robin, night. The fifth graders walk up to Butters and Jimmy and stand alongside them\nButters: Hey, what are you fifth graders doing?\nStephen Tamill: We are the 83%! We are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class! The fourth grade is stickin' it to the other 83% of the school!\nJimmy: Now hold on a second, fellas. If you're the 83%, then our class is only 17%.\nButters: Yeah, how can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%?\nStephen Tamill: Because your class had Cartman in it, and he's the 1%!\nJimmy: But if he's 1% of 17%, then he's .17%.\nScene Description: Channel 8 News\nField reporter 3: This is it. The inevitable has happened at Occupy Red Robin. It is full-on class warfare.\nFemale reporter 2: And now class warfare is breaking out. Apparently it is the fourth grade class versus the fifth grade class.\nScene Description: The command center nearby. Yates and the other men are roused by the commotion\nSgt. Yates: It's here! The class warfare is finally here!\nOfficer 2: Yeeah!\nScene Description: The Black residence, night. Cartman walks into the darkened kitchen\nCartman: Hello?? [lightning crackles outside and floods the kitchen in light for a moment] Whoever you are, just give them back! Haven't you done enough to me?! [sees a boiling crock pot, walks up to it and removes the lid. Inside he see the third...]\nCartman: Muscleman Marc! AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAA!! [more lightning crackles as he runs out of the kitchen.]\nScene Description: The Black living room. Cartman walks into it, still looking for the two remaining dolls\nCartman: Polly Prissypants! Rumpertumskin! [walks towards the fireplace] Jesus Christ! [over the fireplace he sees Rumpertumskin drawn up by four chains and a bomb wrapped around his neck]\nRumpertumskin: Eric! Don't come any closer!\nCartman: Who did this to you?!\nRumpertumskin: You said you wouldn't let anything happen to us.\nCartman: Don't worry, I'll get you down!\nRumpertumskin: No Eric, don't come any- [Cartman trips a wire that sets off the bomb, decapitating Rumpertumskin]\nCartman: AAAAHAA! AAHAAAA! Rumpertumskin!! RUMPER [begins to cry] Rumpertumskin... WHY? Why did you do this??\nPolly Prissypants: It's okay, Eric. It's over now. [you can see Cartman actually doing her voice. He expresses shock, then turns around. Polly Prissypants is seated on an armchair with a loaded gun resting against her]\nCartman: Polly... Polly Prissypants... You did this?\nPolly Prissypants: Don't you see? The kids at school were right, Eric. It was time for us to grow up.\nCartman: ...You got rid of Clyde Frog... You burned Peter Panda! [Token, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny look down from the second floor]\nPolly Prissypants: Yes, they're gone. And now we can grow up and be together.\nCartman: They were your FRIENDS!\nPolly Prissypants: They were holding us back! All the kids making fun of you at school, saying you're not keewl! Your stuffed animals all have to be gotten rid of, don't you see?!\nScene Description: At the front door. The Blacks and Liane have returned, but Mr. Black can't open the door\nBob: Dead-bolted. Token! [knocks twice, then heads for the window] Token, you in there?! [the three adults look in]\nScene Description: Back in the living room...\nCartman: Polly Prissypants, when people find out we did all this, we're gonna get in total trouble!\nPolly Prissypants: No, I thought of everything! It all happened here so that everyone would think Token did it. All the blame will be on him. And we can live happily ever after.\nCartman: There's one problem. [walks up to the doll, takes the gun and walks back to where he was] You say I have to grow up, to get rid of all my dolls. You forget one crucial thing, Polly Prissypants. That nobody would possibly blame Token for all this because in today's day and age you can't blame a black person for anything.\nPolly Prissypants: Oh no! You're totally right! But I thought my plan was perfect! I failed! I failed you! You have to kill me Eric! So that you don't get blamed!\nCartman: Noho! I've lost every stuffed animal; I won't lose you too!\nPolly Prissypants: It's the only way Eric. You have to do it. Please! I can't live with myself after what I've done. Please, you have to do it Eric.\nCartman: [sobs for almost a minute, then aims the gun] Goodbye, Polly Prissypants. I love you.\nPolly Prissypants: Say \"hello\" to the sunrise for me. [Cartman cries and looks away as he starts firing at her. First shot is straight through the forehead. He fires twice more as the four boys watch from the second floor, and three more as the Blacks and Ms. Cartman watch from outside. Polly Prissypants has four shots through the head and two more that took out chunks of her cheeks. Cartman cries, having lost the last of his stuffed dolls]\nStan: Dude, what the hell?\nKyle: We told him to grow up. So he got rid of his stuffed animals.\nScene Description: Outside...\nLiane: [apologetic] My little Eric can sometimes be a bit... dramatic. [laughs weakly]\nScene Description: The Red Robin parking lot, day. A worker sweeps up all the debris from the Occupy Red Robin movement\nField reporter 3: Occupy Red Robin is over. Class warfare has torn apart the 99% and replaced it with the 30%, the 26%, and even little brackets of 5%s here and there. What does this mean for our country? What does this mean... for me?\nOfficer 2: Hey! Get down to State Street! They're occupying Macaroni Grill!\nField reporter 3: Oh hell yeah! I'll occupy me some goat-cheese peppadew peppers! [runs off]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The bell rings. Mr. Garrison goes to the front of the class. On the chalkboard is written \"Thanksgiving\"\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, let's all take our seats. [most of them are seated; Kyle, Token, Bebe and Stan are the last four to get seated] As you all know, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. And so the school has arranged for a lecture from a real live Native American.\nButters: Oh neato, huh fellas?\nGuest: [a stout \"Native American\"] Hello boys and girls. My name is David Running Horse... Sawitsky, and I am one sixteenth Cherokee Indian.\nCartman: Does that mean we only have to pay one sixteenth attention to you? [Sawitsky crosses his arms and is not all all pleased]\nSawitsky: There've been a lot of \"stories\" about the first Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they are mostly geared towards making the Pilgrims look good, and my people being degraded as usual. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace? Or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race?\nButters: [innocently] Thanksgiving is about murder?\nScene Description: Kyle's room, afternoon. The four boys are there. Stan and Kyle are reading books at Kyle's desk, Kenny is reading a couple of books on the floor, and Cartman is... on his back on Kyle's bed eating Cheesy Poofs\nCartman: This is bullcrap! A guest speaker comes to our class and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?\nKyle: Well, it is kinda true, you know? Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the Native Americans got pretty screwed over.\nCartman: Yeah, and now my video game time is getting screwed over by them.\nKyle: [looks over his shoulder angrily] Hey, fatass! Instead of laying in bed eating, why don't you come and help?!\nCartman: Jesus Kyle, you are really being crampy today.\nStan: We all have to do this report together, dude.\nCartman: You guys, we are wasting time. If we have to write a report on Thanksgiving let's just go downstairs and watch TV.\nKyle: How is that gonna help?!\nCartman: [like a doorbell] Dumbass, it's November. [normally] The History Channel is probably playing Thanksgiving specials back to back. We can learn everything we need.\nScene Description: A TV. The History Channel logo comes up.\nAnnouncer: You're watching The History Channel, where the truth is history.\nNarrator: [as re-enactments play in color and in black and white] A lot has been written about the first Thanksgiving between Pilgrims and Native Americans. but what really happened at that first historic dinner?\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. The boys are on Cartman's couch watching TV\nCartman: Dude, see? I told you. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid books when we've got History Channel?\nNarrator: [more re-enactments] We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621, but new evidence suggests that the first exchanging of food between the Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been visited by aliens! [dramatic flashes of darkness as the alien is shown up close, then a picture of a fetus, and then...]\nDuncan Everton: [Professor of History, Oakmont H.S.] In every journal entry we researched from those early Pilgrims, not one entry mentioned anything about aliens not being there.\nNarrator: And what about the food? [a juicy baked turkey is shown, then the previous image is shown without the alien] Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving suggest a kind of alien technology? [the alien reappears in the scene, but with two other aliens]\nCartman: Uh-huh??\nKyle: What? This isn't history.\nStan: Dude, it is called History Channel.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nCharles Biggens: [Culinary Associates of America] And if we look in all the journals and aall the history books, there is no reference to stuffing before 1621. So where did it come from? Did it come from space? We just don't know.\nNarrator: Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving? Is it mere coincidence that Cape Cod, when viewed from space, looks like an alien life form? [an alien with an erect penis is drawn over the aerial image] What exactly did the Pilgrims experience? [colored lights move around over the ocean's horizon as Pilgrims gather by the beach] How exactly did those beings from another world shape the dinner we celebrate every November? [a tiny UFO hovers near a turkey]\nKyle: What??\nCartman: Kyle, why are you being so grumpy? Are you on your period again?\nKyle: We're not basing research for our report on this crap!\nCartman: Okay, let's take a vote: Who thinks the possibility of ancient aliens at Thanksgiving makes for an interesting history report? [he and Kenny raise their hands, then Stan raises his]\nKyle: [at Stan] Dude!\nCartman: Okay, and who wants to take a little Pamprin so their menstrual cramps stop bringing everyone down? Kyle? [raises Kyle's hand]\nKyle: [sighs] Alright, fine! Let's just get this stupid report over with!\nScene Description: A mansion, night. A phone rings. The time on the alarm click is 2:14 a.m., and the couple in bed wake up. The man takes the phone\nTHC President: [sits up in bed] Yes? A report from where? [sits up on the side of the bed] Does Congress know about this yet? Try to keep it contained and get the helicopters ready. I'll be there as soon as I can. [hangs up and sits back down]\nWife: Darling?\nTHC President: They found something. This could be it. [makes a fist]\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. The school bus stops and the boys get off\nCartman: Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating it's called menopause?\nStan: ...What?\nCartman: Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable? I was thinking maybe that's why Kyle's been so grouchy lately, 'cause he's goin' through menopause.\nKyle: Dude, shut your fuckin' mouth!\nCartman: See what I mean, you guys? [a black car with tinted windows pulls up at a corner within sight of the boys and the passenger window comes down and the agents inside look at the boys]\nAgent 1: [brunet] Is that them?\nAgent 2: [blond] That's them.\nScene Description: An interrogation room, somewhere. The boys are seated and waiting for someone. Three men walk in - the two agents and the man from the mansion. The agents close the door and the man from the mansion goes to the table and takes his seat opposite the boys. He leafs through the boys' report, and the boys look at each other\nTHC President: You boys have been very busy... [he closes the report] We need to know everything that you know.\nStan: 'bout what?\nTHC President: Have you been contacted by alien life forms?\nAgent 1: Did you come across some kind of ship or something?\nKyle: Dude, look, we, we just saw all this stuff on History Channel.\nTHC President: [silence for a few seconds, then] We are The History Channel. [rises from his chair] For years we've been collecting information on Thanksgiving. We're getting close to the truth. And now you boys have exactly the same information. It can't be coincidence.\nKyle: We saw it on your channel.\nTHC President: What exactly did you seez?!\nStan: That... stuffing was never heard of before 1621, so it might be alien technology?\nTHC President: My God. Would you be willing to say that on camera for an interview?\nScene Description: Butters' house, living room. He's watching a Jonas Brothers video\nSteven: Alright, Butters, that's enough MTV for one day. You need to watch something that stimulates your brain. I'm putting on History Channel.\nButters: Okay Dad.\nAnnouncer: You're watching the History Channel, the only network dedicated to history. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest! Larrh! Followed by Hairy Bikers. Errh! But now, back to Part 3 of Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving.\nNarrator: It has become a widely accepted fact that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by Pilgrims, Native Americans, and alien beings.\nStan Marsh: [history expert] Stuffing wasn't mentioned anywhere until 1621? And it might have been... alien technology?\nNarrator: And while the number of people who accept the alien theory continues to grow, some experts have stepped forward with a wildly different view altogether. Could it be that Pilgrims were actually aliens themselves?\nKyle Broflovski: [Ph. D., Professor of Thanksgiving - DeVry Institute] Of course you can't prove there were no aliens at the first Thanksgiving! Just like you can't \"prove\" that... the Pilgrims themselves weren't alien! Can you prove that?! Here: draw that Thanksgiving turkey symbol with your hand! Maybe that symbol matches... galaxies in space or something! OooOoOoOooOOO! [moves his hands around]\nNarrator: [a scene of alien families sharing Thanksgiving on Earth] Could it be that the Pilgrims we've read about all these years actually came from another planet? History experts like Kyle Broflovski say \"yes.\"\nKyle: You might as well just say Pilgrims and Indians were all aliens who came here and made some kind of intergalactic treaty!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are on the sofa watching the same special Butters is\nStan: Wow, check it out dude, we're on TV. [smiles]\nKyle: How can they make a show out of this? I wasn't even agreeing with them. [a knock is heard at the front door and Kyle goes to answer it]\nSawitsky: What are you doing?!\nKyle: ...Uh oh.\nSawitsky: The first Thanksgiving was a space treaty?! Native Americans are aliens?!\nKyle: I was just explaining how a negative argument doesn't make a po-\nSawitsky: Haven't my people been through enough?! [whips out a gun with his left hand and quickly aims at at Kyle] Goddamn you!\nKyle: Ack dude! [backs up as Sawitzky walks towards him]\nSawitsky: The white man is gonna PAY for his lies! [stops in front of Stan and Kenny, keeping his gun aimed at Kyle]\nScene Description: In the sky, black Army helicopters approach. In one of them, the History Channel and two agents sit\nAgent 2: Look at this, sir! [hands him a picture] An aerial photograph of Cape Cod where the Pilgrims landed in 1620. [puts his right hand on it and traces a turkey on the photo with it] Five Pilgrim settlements, with Plymouth Rock here. [puts a dot on the location] The same symbols appear everywhere in history. [on a baked turkey, in the night sky...]\nAgent 1: The symbology lines up to mirrored points in space. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then Plymouth Rock is some kind of wormhole.\nTHC President: Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens! How did we not think of it?!\nAgent 3: Sometimes it takes the innocence of a child to make us see the most simple things.\nAgent 2: True dat.\nTHC President: True dat.\nScene Description: Plymouth, Massachusetts. day. The monument to Plymouth Rock is shown. The helicopters show up and descend onto the park near the monument. Plymouth Rock itself is shown in the water, unprotected.\nTHC President: Get all those tourists out of here! We need this place secured!\nAgent 4: [through his bullhorn] Alight people, let's clear out! We need you ALL to disperse! [a woman and her daughter stop to listen] This area is under quarantine. [the woman and daughter leave]\nTHC President: Give me a piece of chalk. [agent 1 hands it to him. The president quickly traces a turkey on the rock, then backs up.] Huh... Nothing.\nAgent 5: Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.\nTHC President: Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid. [they all turn and walk out of the water] We should've known. Pilgrims couldn't be from space.\nScene Description: Space, the final frontier. A Pilgrim shoots through space in a wormhole and hits the planet hard. Electricity crackles through some power lines. A shadow climbs out of the impact crater. It's... a Pilgrim. Nearby, a truck rolls by, driven by Natalie Portman. The Pilgrim runs from the crater and into Portman's path; she rolls over him, then stops.\nScene Description: The History Channel learns of this and sends its top men out to investigate. Several tents go up at the crash site\nAgent 6: Here. You can see it right there. An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the Earth.\nTHC President: What is it?\nAgent 6: It's a Pilgrim, sir. [the president is stunned, looks outside, then walks outside with five other men]\nTHC President: So then, Professor Broflovski was right after all. [the camera pans up into the sky. Another camera travels through space]\nNarrator: Not long ago, it was an accepted fact that civilizations on Earth shared the universe with beings from other planets. [the camera approaches a rock formation that has golden (literally) ears of corn sticking out of it. The camera then goes around the formation and through a thick cloud layer] These alien beings visited our world, and once, even settled it, from deep within the galaxy Canis Major, and a distant planet called... Plymouth. [the camera pops up and sees a magnificent building from which rise four massive golden ears of corn. An entrance with 14 colossal Pilgrim statues is shown. Inside the cathedral-like building a Pilgrim king, seated on a throne flanked by two huge golden cornucopias overflowing with gold and jewels, speaks to a huge crowd]\nPilgrim King: Fellow Pilgrims! The great Captain hath gone missing and thine enemies have attacked our stuffing mines! We must prepare for war with the Indians!\nScene Description: Another planet, named Indi. The Indian chief there speaks to his people\nIndian Chief: Now it is OUR time! We shall attack Plymouth, and we will take... ALL THEIR STUFFING! [the Indians cheer]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Liane is at the kitchen cutting up construction paper. Cartman runs through the dining room, then returns and enters the kitchen\nCartman: Non! Mom, did you already get stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner?\nLiane: What hon?\nCartman: Tell me you've already got everything we need for Thanksgiving!\nLiane: Uhoh, Thanksgiving's still a couple of weeks away, sweetie. I haven't gone shoppies yet.\nCartman: Oh no. Oh NO!\nLiane: What is it, hon?\nCartman: Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the news there's gonna be a massive stuffing shortage! Get your coat on, Mom! We've gotta go to the store! [turns around and leaves the kitchen]\nScene Description: The supermarket, day. A woman is taking her groceries to her car. Cartman runs into the the chapping cart and knocks it over, spilling the woman's groceries. Cartman then turns and runs into the store. Liane folows him in. Cartman finds a worker\nCartman: You guys have stuffing?!\nAttendant 1: Stuffing? Sure. Aisle 17.\nCartman: Oh... We're not too late. Mother, come! [Liane takes a shopping cart and follows Cartman to the right aisle. Cartman looks for the stuffing, but doesn't fine any. The attendant walks by] Hey! Where is it!\nAttendant 1: It's right there, right on the uh... [sees that the stuffing shelf is empty] wait, that can't be right. Hey, hey Chet. What happened to all the stuffing?\nChet: [walks up] What are you talking about? [sees that there is no stuffing, and his jaw drops a bit]\nAttendant 1: We got more in the back, right?\nChet: I just did inventory in the back, it... it was all put out here!\nAttendant 1: You mean it's two weeks until Thanksgiving and we're completely out of stuffing?!\nChet: Oh no!\nCartman: No!\nChet: No!\nCartman: NOOOO!\nScene Description: Planet Plymouth, day. An Indian delegation and a Pilgrim delegation meet up\nPilgrim King: You dare come to Plymouth, ambassador?! After attacking our stuffing mines?!\nIndian Chief: The stuffing mines were never yours!\nPilgrim King: Wihtout control of the mines we cannot supply stuffing to the mortals, ambassador! This will be war!\nIndian Chief: You are in no position to declare war! Your lead commander is nowhere to be found!\nPilgrim King: And how knoweth you that?!\nIndian Chief: Word travels fast in our sector.\nPilgrim King: I do not give free bowls of stuffing, what sayest you?! We will take back control of the stuffing mines! [turns and leaves with his men]\nIndian Chief: Then the Thanksgiving treaty will be off! [turns and leaves with his men]\nPilgrim King: And I pray to stuffing that you are wrong. [looks up to the sky as his men move on without him] Where are you, Miles Standish?\nScene Description: Kyle's living room, later. Sawitzky is still lecturing the boys on Native American history\nSawitzky: And furthermore, everything Kyle Broflovski said about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue! Native Americans were brutalized, and David Sawitzky's ancestors deserve an apology! It was wrong to mix aliens and real history!\nStan: I don't know, dude. Have you seen that stuff about the pyramids and the link to Mars?\nKyle: [through gritted teeth] Dude, there's a guy with a gun here!\nStan: I'm just saying there's lots of symbols and signs out there that show aliens and history are pretty linked.\nKenny: (Yeah, that's true.)\nKyle: Would you guys stop?!\nSawitsky: Just keep writing your apology! [paces. The front door opens and Miles Standish jumps in dramatically]\nMiles: How now, Indian?! Why hast thy race sent me here to Earth?!\nSawitsky: [surprised] Huh? [Miles runs at him and throws him up against a wall] Ack.\nStan: Dude!\nMiles: You Indians took me to thy planet, and then cast me here! Why?! [punches Sawitzky twice. Sawitzky falls to the floor and Miles begins kicking him in the balls]\nKenny: (Go, dude!)\nStan: Yeah, go on dude!\nKenny: (Woohoo!)\nMiles: [turns Sawitzky over and picks him up] Hast thy race attacked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?! Tell me, Indian!\nSawitzky: I I uh I'm only one sixteenth.\nMiles: Hold your lying tongue! [puts a glowing ball into Sawitzky's mouth] This shall prove if thou art Indian or not! [Sawitzky begins to tremble and moan, then he's surrounded by a purple light and consumed] Ah, he was not.\nStan: I didn't think so.\nMiles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] I have been told of your expertise, Kyle of DeVry Institute. I need your wisdom to get back to my planet.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, outside. Miles, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny go to a waiting truck\nMiles: Into the wheeled chariot that strucketh me! [the boys get in] We must make haste to Cape Cod! [then he does]\nStan: [looking at the driver] Who's this?\nMiles: This is Natalie.\nNatalie: Hi guys.\nScene Description: Cape Cod, night. THC continues camping out there.\nAgent 7: Alright, sir. We got some more information on the Pilgrim who crashed to Earth. Thirty seconds after impact the Pilgrim was hit by a truck and then put into the back seat.\nTHC President: Who did the truck belong to?\nAgent 6: We believe it belonged to Natalie Portman, sir.\nTHC President: The actress? That doesn't make sense.\nAgent 8: It gets worse. All over the country people are reporting a shortage of stuffing. We don't think it's coincidence.\nTHC President: You're telling me that somehow during a stuffing shortage, this \"Pilgrim\" dropped down from space and got into a truck driven by Natalie Portman?!\nAgent 9: Look, if anyone knows about stuffing, it's Natalie Portman!\nTHC President: [walking forward, filling the screen] We have to find Professor Broflovski. He was right about all of this. He'll know what to do.\nScene Description: A campsite for the night. Kyle sits alone by the campfire, and the trailer-truck is behind him. Inside the trailer, Miles talks to the others\nMiles: We shall make camp here for the night. On the morrow perhaps we can reach Cape Cod. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved. [looks outside and sees Kyle] What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute?\nStan: Aw, I think he's just kind of pissed off he was wrong about the whole ancient alien thing.\nMiles: [studying Kyle some more] He seems almost like a Puritan lady whose period hath stopped. [moments later, he goes outside to talk to Kyle] I fear, Kyle, that you still do not know whose side to be on.\nKyle: No, ah I don't.\nMiles: It must have been very difficult for you, being the one on your planet with his wild theories that Pilgrims and Indians were not of this world.\nKyle: I actually only just said that sarcastically.\nMiles: HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [pats him on the left shoulder a few times] Then you are only just a remarkably gifted child! [puts his right hand over Kyle's left hand, then withdraws it to pull out a map] Here, let me show you. Your planet is one of the five. [points to the others] Plymouth, Indi, Colthenheim, and this planet over here nobody really cares about. [spreads his right hand over the map so each fingertip touches a planet, then traces the hand with a pencil] The five are connected by a series of wormholes. [the trace is finished] My people came to your world, and so did our enemies. But we made a treaty, and for 300 years our people have not fought. But now, the treaty is over.\nKyle: But I always read that Native Americans were here, and that Pilgrims and other settlers kind of took their lands from them.\nMiles: You can't believe what everyone tells you, Kyle. You have to open your eyes. [stands up and puts down his map on his seat. Natalie, Stan, and Kenny look on from the trailer] Soon your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth, and the stuffing mines can again be ours, for he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe. [all of a sudden, a night sun focuses on him and a helicopter is heard]\nA pilot: Hold it right there! [five black cars pull up quickly and surround Miles and Kyle. Natalie, Stan and Kyle leave the trailer]\nAgent 10: We found Professor Broflovski! He is with the Pilgrim! [the agents close in on Miles and he unsheathes his sword]\nMiles: Stay back, all of you! For I will get to Cape Cod and cannot be stopped! Come boys! Let us fight to the death!\nTHC President: [rushes into the middle] Wait! Stop, stop! Please, Mr. Standish, we are all on the same side here. We know why there's a stuffing shortage. We've been trying to get the wormhole open.\nMiles: I trust none but them! [points to the party he came with - Natalie, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Indians hath betrayed us! I must return to Plymouth so my king can know the truth! [hurries away]\nTHC President: PLEASE! [stops him] We're the History Channel. We care as much about the truth as you do.\nMiles: Then get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible!\nScene Description: Planet Plymouth. The king of Plymouth sits on his throne looking board\nPilgrim: [shot through with several arrows] My Lord! My Lord, the battle is lost! We have tried to stop the Indians on their home planet, but yea they are too strong!\nPilgrim King: Then our last chance for survival is gone?\nPilgrim: I'm sorry my Lord. All Pilgrim forces sent to the Indians' planet have been wiped out.\nPilgrim King: And so soon the Indians will be here. Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth!\nScene Description: The Indians and Pilgrims do battle on Indi\nIndian Chief: The stuffing mines are ours! [some Indians celebrate at the mines]\nScene Description: Cape Cod, day. A wooden pathway has been built to Plymouth Rock and surrounds it. Miles uses a blown up version of his map to show the History Channel what's going on.\nMiles: Earth is connected to Plymouth by this wormhole here. Once I get back I will assemble my people to attack Indi, and gain control of the stuffing mines. If all goes as planned, you will all have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving.\nTHC President: But Mr. Standish, I'm afraid it's not that simple. We... tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol and it didn't work.\nMiles: Ah ha ha ha! Of course not! You have the correct symbol, but you are missing the keeper of the portal.\nAgent 11: The keeper of the... of course! Natalie Portman!\nTHC President: We were wondering what she had to do with all this! Natalie Portman controls the wormhole!\nAgent 12: Our window of opportunity is closing, sir! The wormhole has to be opened now!\nTHC President: Alright Ms. Portman, we need you to open your wormhole.\nNatalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No.\nTHC President: Please, Ms. Portman, you've got to open your wormhole right now!\nNatalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmm. [then to the right] Uh uh.\nTHC President: Curses and cranberries! I must get to Plymouth now! Do as they say!\nNatalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No.\nTHC President: There has to be a way to get the portal open! Where's our expert?! [everyone moves aside to reveal Kyle] What do we do, Professor Broflovski?\nKyle: I'm not a professor.\nTHC President: The History Channel said you were!\nKyle: You are the fucking History Channel!\nMiles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] Please, Kyle of DeVry Institute. There is no more time for squabbles. The universe is at stake!\nTHC President: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] You knew everything else. You somehow knew about all of this. You knew it... here. [points to Kyle's heart.] You must know... how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole.\nScene Description: A local restaurant nearby. Nice, upscale, with a string trio playing during dinner. Kyle is in his suit, Natalie is in a different dress\nKyle: So, do you uh, do you have any brothers or sisters, Natalie?\nNatalie: I had a lot of really close friends growing up, but not any brothers and sisters; I was an only child.\nKyle: [having trouble with small talk] Wow, awesome. Um...\nNatalie: I have dual citizenship in the United States and Israel. [a waiter with a bottle of wine walks by and Kyle snaps his fingers twice, then indicates to the waiter that Natalie should get some more wine. The waiter serves it] Oh thanks.\nKyle: Um... so... [behind him, everyone involved in the portal matter is watching them] So dual citizenship, wow, uh... You know that I, I never knew anyone that had that.\nNatalie: Well, I went to Harvard while I was acting. I got a BA. But I did classes at the University of Jerusalem too.\nKyle: Cool. Cool... You wanna order some dessert?\nScene Description: Cape Cod, night. Kyle and Natalie walk down to Plymouth Rock\nNatalie: Thanks, that was a lot of fun.\nKyle: Yeah, it was cool, thanks. [looks over his shoulder. Miles motions at him to continue] Um, so... Is there any way you'd\nNatalie: What?\nKyle: You know, could youuu...\nNatalie: What?\nKyle: Would you please just open your wormhole?!\nNatalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Oh. [moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmm... [moves her torso to the right] no.\nKyle: [sighs in exasperation] Errh!\nNatalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. Okay.\nMiles: Yes!\nTHC President: Alright, let's go, folks! [he and several other men go towards Plymouth Rock]\nNatalie: Just for a sec though. [turns around and joins them]\nMiles: Thank you, Kyle of DeVry Institute. Now the Indians can be stopped and Thanksgiving will be saved!\nKyle: Yeeah, you're welcome. I'm sorry I doubted you. And guys, I'm I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all. [behind the rock, Natalie's legs go up in the air]\nStan: It's cool dude, we understand.\nKyle: I guess we should all realize... [the portal is activated] that history and alien technology really do go hand in hand. [the portal shoots out into space towards planet Plymouth]\nMiles: [rises with his sword unsheathed] Now make way, children! For I have a war to fight! [runs towards the rock, jumps on it, and into the portal stream] For stuffing!! [goes towards planet Plymouth]\nScene Description: The stuffing mines. The battle continues\nIndian Chief: Take ALL their stuffing!\nPilgrim: The treaty ends now! [the Indians retreat as flying galleons sweep over the stuffing mines with powerful rays, destroying any Indians along the way]\nNarrator: With the wormhole once again open, Miles Standish was finally able to command a Pilgrim army.\nMiles: Now attack their left flank! Good! They're retreating! Hit them with the anti-Indian device! [A destroyer walks in and obliterates all the Indians with its powerful beams]\nNarrator: The Pilgrims fought off the Indians, making stuffing once again available on all our Thanksgiving tables.\nScene Description: Cartman's living room. The four boys are watching The History Channel once again, Stan and Kenny are watching the TV, Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs, and Kyle looks on in annoyance.\nRandom Voices: Yea. Stuffing mines. Yea.\nNarrator: And now you know the true story behind Thanksgiving.\nStan: Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew before.\nCartman: Yeah, History Channel rules.\nNarrator: But was the first Thanksgiving really just about Pilgrims and Indians from space? Or was there something more? Shocking new evidence suggests that the first Thanksgiving might also have been... [an image of a woman appears against a wall] haunted!\nDonald T. Brown: [Ph. D., University of Phoenix] There is certainly no evidence that the first Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.\nNarrator: The Pilgrims welcomed the Indians, but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from beyond the grave? [ghostly figures appear here and there.]\nCartman: [curious] Ohhh??\nKyle: [throws up his arms in exasperation] Oh, come on!!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The McCormick house, living room. Stuart and Kevin are fighting as Carol tries to stop them while holding Karen on one arm. Kenny's on the sofa watching TV, ignoring all the drama around him.\nStuart: You think you're man enough to fight me, you little shit?!\nKevin: Yes, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, Dad!\nCarol: You're both drunk pieces of shit! Both of you sit the fuck down!\nKevin: Shut up!\nScene Description: Kenny's watching a show that will have an unexpected twist. Right in front of the TV is an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Random images of white trash culture pop up. The first one is a trailer with an awning\nAnnouncer: They're noisy.\nMan 1: Fuck you, bitch! [runs out of the trailer]\nWoman 1: [throws an unlabeled crumpled empty bottle at him] You son of a bitch! [the man turns around and walks back to the trailer to hit her]\nScene Description: next is a backyard fight between two women. A blonde is holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer\nAnnouncer: They're nasty.\nWoman 2: [redhead, to a blonde] You done spilled that on my titties, skank! [shoves her off her feet, taking the beer the blonde was holding and finishing it off]\nWoman 3: Oww...\nAnnouncer: They're white trash. And when you give them a little Pabst Blue Ribbon [an image of the beer bottle fills the screen], they can't help getting arrested. [Kevin picks up a block and throws it at Stuart, hitting him on the forehead. Onscreen, police break up a fight among several men] Tonight, on an all-new... White Trash... In Trouble!\nScene Description: A narrator appears on screen, wearing a beige overcoat, standing in a graffiti-riddled set\nNarrator: Pabst Blue Ribbon and white trash. It's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time and children being taken away from their home. This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough. [The McCormick home is shown]\nKenny: [sits up upon recognizing the house] (Hmmm. What the fuck?) [goes to see what's going on. Stuart and Kevin continue to fight, and Carol tries to intervene, only to have Stuart slap her.]\nNarrator: But the children in this home live in a world of neglect. There's no heating, no groceries, [a spotlight pans around the back yard] and if you look closely in the backyard, you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab. [a red arrow points to a small shed against the house which does indeed have a meth lab in it. Kenny looks out a window next to the back door.]\nKenny: [runs back to warn his parents] (Mom, the cops are here! Mom, Dad, the cops are here!) [Kevin has gotten on Stuart's back and is choking him. At the front door, police make use of a battering ram to get into the house. They all rush in and surround the family]\nCops: Down on the ground! Move it! Let's go! Move move! Get down, now! [The parents get on their knees and put their hands behind their heads. Ten officers end up in the living room with guns drawn. There are twice as many officers outside.]\nScene Description: The McCormick house, outside, night. The parents have been arrested and are escorted out by police. The kids walk out freely\nCarol: No! Muh babies! Don't take my babies!\nStuart: [taken to one car] You're hurting my arm!\nCarol: [taken to another] My babies!\nStuart: You're hurting me!\nOfficer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now please look at the camera and say \"I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.\"\nStuart: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble. [\"IN TROUBLE\" is stamped on the screen right away. This happens after every admission of \"I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.\"]\nOfficer 1: Alright, good. Now get in the car! [Stuart gets in. A crowd gathers to view this scene]\nCartman: [filming with his phone] Oh wow, poor people being arrested. What a rare occurrence. [chuckles and waves with his left hand] Hi, Kenny! Kenny, wave! [to his phone] That's Kenny, about to be sent to a foster home. Pretty funny.\nOfficer 2: Just have a seat in there, kids. [puts the kids into the back seat]\nKevin: [still drunk, but mocking] Just have a seat in there, kids. [the cop closes the door]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, later.\nOfficer 1: The mother and father will probably be released from jail on Monday, but I guess the kids are gonna be taken away for good. Child Protective Services is about to talk to them in the soft room.\nOfficer 3: The soft room?\nOfficer 1: You know, the room we have set aside for kids to feel safe in.\nScene Description: The soft room. It's a room with large pictures of friendly-faced clowns on all four walls. Against the walls are toys and games for small kids to enjoy as they wait. The McCormick kids sit on a sofa, looking around the room scared at the clown pictures. The door opens and a heavy-set man walks in.\nMr. Adams: Hi kids, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams and I just need to get some info from you. Does that sound okay?\nKaren: [scared, sniffling, she holds on to Kenny] Can I see my mommy?\nMr. Adams: No, sorry. Now, [opens a folder] I've been looking over your file and I see you kids have all been horribly physically and emotionally abused. [the kids look at him in astonishment] Oh whoops, that isn't your case file, it's the Penn State University Gazette. [laughs] I'm joking, that's just a joke, we like to have fun here. [closes the folder and shows it to the kids] It is your case file. I was just all like \"it's the Penn State Gazette\" to be like a joke, we have fun. Now listen, you're gonna be put into a foster home, so I need to know... would you like to go to Neverland Ranch, a Catholic church, or Penn State University? [laughs at his own joke] We're havin' fun here, aren't we? I just, I come up with these and the guys, it's good to laugh. [goes to the door and yells into the hall] I just asked them if they wanted to go to Neverland, a Catholic church, or Penn State. [closes the door and returns to his chair] I'm a trickster. People say I'm really meant for comedy. Here's my head shot just in case you know anybody. [shows his picture, then hands out copies to the kids] Can't hurt, right? Okay, now, are we all startin' to feel a little bit better? [Karen cries] Oh come on now, how about that smile? I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm] you to smile! I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm again] you to smile! [silence] A Penn State administrator walks into a bar. Where's that smile? How about this one? Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station. Come on, that's a good one.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Stan walks over to Kyle\nStan: Did you hear anything more about what happened?\nKyle: Dude, I don't think Kenny's coming back. My dad said those Child Protective Services people are pretty serious.\nStan: We can't let Kenny be sent away forever. There's gotta be something we can do.\nCartman: [runs up to the other two with a memo pad] Guys! Guys! I've been workin' on it, and I think I have some answers.\nStan: Really?\nCartman: Yeah. I've gone through every student in the school, and I'm pretty sure now that Kenny's gone, the poor kid is Craig!\nKyle: That's what you care about?! Who's the poorest kid in school now?!\nCartman: Pretty much went through everybody. Craig's got the mo- [noticing Craig coming into view] sh, sh sh sh sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [as Craig passes by] Heya, Craig, your uh... your family get you that jacket at Walmart or Kmart? [stifles a laugh]\nCraig: What are you talking about?\nCartman: Nothing dude, it's cool, it's cool. I mean, we would tell your parents to shop at nicer places, but... your mom is so poor she can't even pay attention. [stifles a laugh]\nScene Description: A rundown two-story house somewhere, day. Two police officers arrive with the McCormick kids at their new home, A man answers the door as his wife stands some distance away from it.\nOfficer 2: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, we have the new foster kids for your care. [the kids enter]\nMr. Weatherhead: Very good, we'll take them from here. Children, enter. [the kids walk in further, the cops leave, Mr. Weatherhead closes the door, and Mrs. Weatherhead's face gets stern] Welcome to your new home. Before we show you around let's get one thing clear: this is a very strict religious household! As long as you live here you will be agnostic! [leads the children to a group of nine other kids] These are your foster brothers and sisters! They are all strict agnostics! David, do you believe in God?!\nDavid: [blond boy with glasses] I don't know...\nMr. Weatherhead: Right! There are two bedrooms upstairs! Boys' room and girls' room! Your chores are listed on their respective doors! Follow! [guides them into the kitchen] You will eat only at designated meal times! Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like! However, in this house you will drink only agnostic beverages! [opens the refrigerator door to reveal the contents] Dr Pep-er, and Diet Dr Pep-er! [takes out a can and shows it to the kids] Because what flavor is it?! It is neither root beer nor cola! Nobody is sure what flavor it is, and nobody can be sure! Isn't that right, Melissa?!\nMelissa: [ginger girl] I don't know.\nMr. Weatherhead: Good!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Computer Lab, day. Butters is doing research for Cartman as Cartman watches.\nCartman: This is awesome, Butters! You really think you got something?!\nButters: Yep. To find out who the poorest kid is, I actually was able to see which kids in school got those coupons they hand out for school lunch.\nCartman: Eh yeah?\nButters: So then I cross-referenced all the kids who were on half-priced lunches with the tax records of people in town to see which kids' parents actually made the least amount of money last year.\nCartman: [laughs] Heh heh, yeah?\nButters: Well actually, Eric, it's you. [Cartman keeps his smile for a few seconds more, then frowns.]\nCartman: What?\nButters: Now that Kenny's gone, [points to Cartman] your household actually has the lowest income. [Cartman is stunned, then dejected. Butters consoles him] I'm sorry, pal.\nCartman: [hops off his chair and moves off a bit, then gets a panicked look] Oh my God... If we found this out it's only a matter of time before everybody else does.\nButters: Uh, I won't tell anybody.\nCartman: [turns around and glares at Butters] Oh come on! We're not the only ones who wanted to look into this! You think, you think Kyle isn't on the computer right now tryin' to see who the poorest kid in school is?! Oh he is gonna have such a field day, that heartless Jew! [makes a fist, then crosses his arms] Well I won't give him the satisfaction!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Bill and Red are chatting, Lola talks to Bebe. As the kids mill around, Cartman comes around the corner and moves from person to person as he speaks.\nCartman: Alright, let's hear it for Kyle! [claps] He's so funny, isn't he guys?! With all his jokes about Cartman being poor. You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?! His mom is so poor the ducks throw bread at her! Hahaha! Yeah, that's super funny, guys! [Stan and Kyle turn from their lockers to look at him] Laugh it up, everyone! [ends up by Stan and Kyle] Cartman's mom is so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! HA! I beat you to it, Kyel!\nKyle: [slowly so that there's no mistake] My name. Is not. \"Kyel\".\nCartman: That's kewl! Whatever Kyel! Must be nice having everything you want! [runs away]\nScene Description: The Cartman residence, the same day. Liane enters the living room with groceries and sees her son on the armchair.\nLiane: Hi, sweetie.\nCartman: [sighs] Sit down Mom, we need to have a talk.\nLiane: [sets the groceries on the floor] Oh, what is it this time? [sits down on the sofa]\nCartman: Mom, how are you going to start bringing more money into this household?\nLiane: What, hon?\nCartman: You have to start doing more, Mom! What are you doing with your time?!\nLiane: Eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy's doing everything she can.\nCartman: Yeah, see, the problem, Mom, is that with Kenny gone I'm now the poorest kid in skewl!\nLiane: Well, we're in a tough economy, Eric. I don't know what else you want me to do about it.\nCartman: [trying to get this straight] We're in a tough economy. You don't know what else I want you to do about it. Life isn't handed to you, Mom! You can't just sit on your ass and expect some money to appear!\nLiane: Eric, we aren't that much poorer than most people.\nCartman: Not much huh?! My mom is so poor, when she heard about the Last Supper she thought she was running out of food stamps!\nLiane: Oh. [laughs]\nCartman: IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!! [runs off]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman is on his bed crying\nCartman: My mom is so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning. I wish I could be put in a kewl foster home like Kenny's familyyy.\nScene Description: The Weatherhead house, night. There are cows everywhere and no pavement on the sidewalk or path to the house. In the girls' room there are six girls, and one of them is crying while the others sleep. It's Karen. A shadow comes over her and she stops crying when she notices. She gets on her knees in bed\nKaren: Huh? [calms down] Oh, it's you. [smiles. In the window is Mysterion!] I was wondering when you'd appear. You always come when I'm sad.\nMysterion: You are going to be okay, Karen! You have to keep believing that!\nKaren: Why did my mommy and daddy go to jail?\nMysterion: [thinks a moment] Sometimes, people do stupid things. Sometimes they don't realize what should have come first. Until it's too late.\nKaren: But I'm all alone now.\nMysterion: You are not alone. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I will always be here! Do you understand?\nKaren: I'll try, guardian angel.\nMysterion: Don't try, Karen. Do. [the bedroom light comes on]\nMr. Weatherhead: What in the name of nobody knows are you doing, Karen?! [she looks back at him, then at the window. Mysterion is gone. Mr. Weatherhead goes to the window and looks out to see what Karen was looking at. Failing to see him, he closes the windows and keeps vigil for a bit]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. A phone rings and one of the officers answers it.\nOfficer 4: Police man. [starts taking notes] Yes. Yes. Alright, thanks for the tip. We'll check it out. [hangs up] Better call the lieutenant. Looks like we've got another meth lab in town.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, night. The front yard is full of police, and a few of them are inside, as seen through the open front door. Liane is being arrested and nearby are two suitcases\nOfficer 5: Got any needles on you? Any crack pipes?\nLiane: Oh, oh, my goodness no. I haven't used drugs in quite a while.\nOfficer 5: Then why is there a meth lab in your backyard?\nCartman: [comes down the stairs in a Hawaiian shirt] What is going on here? Mom, what have you done? Were things so bad for you financially you had to turn to a life of crime?! My mom is so poor she uses Cheerios for earrings. Well... guess I'm off to a foster home then. [walks over to the suitcases and grabs the handles] Hawaii is my first choice. Something not exactly on the beach but maybe just a short walk away? [turns left and begins to walk out] It's gonna take me years to recover from being torn from my mother's arms. Only the ocean breezes and coconut trees can help me now.\nOfficer 5: When will you people learn to lay off the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Now look at the camera and say \"I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.\"\nLiane: Oh. Ah, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day, the soft room. Cartman sits there waiting for Mr. Adams, who soon enters.\nMr. Adams: Hi there, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams, and I'm with Child Protective Services. [sits down, but just as quickly gets up] Here's my head shot. [gives Cartman a picture of himself] I just need to get some information from you if that's okay.\nCartman: [sets the picture aside] Yeah, yeah.\nMr. Adams: Okay, now it says here your mother was operating a meth lab.\nCartman: That's right.\nMr. Adams: And it also says here that Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime? Because at Penn State they like when you're a little behind in the locker room. That's a joke. Did you get that one? It's a play on words, we like to have fun here.\nCartman: Wha'? Dude, do you think this is funny?!\nMr. Adams: We just - no, we just like to have fun here.\nCartman: Well I'll tell you somethin'! Being from a low-income household isn't funny! Oh heell no, my momma's so poor she opened a Gmail account just so she could eat the spam! [Mr. Adams doesn't look too happy]\nMr. Adams: What? What, is that supposed to be some kind of joke? You think you're funny?\nCartman: A joke?! You think being poor is a joke?!\nMr. Adams: Could be worse.\nCartman: How?!\nMr. Adams: Could be in Happy Valley! On a scale from 1 to 10, how old should you be to stay away from Penn State?\nCartman: Dude, my momma's so poor when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle so she's gotta go Greyhound off the handle!\nMr. Adams: [sighs] Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt-!\nScene Description: On the road, day. Two police officers drive Cartman towards his new foster home\nCartman: Jesus, this is a long drive. Are we in Hawaii yet?\nOfficer 6: Hawaii?\nCartman: Yeah, that's where I requested to be sent.\nOfficer 7: Your foster home is here, pretty much the exact opposite of Hawaii.\nCartman: What?? [looks out the window. A sign on the side of the road says \"Welcome to Greeley, 'The Exact Opposite of Hawaii\" Please drive safely\" A crow stands on top of the sign] Greeley?\nScene Description: The Weatherhead residence, same day. The kids are mopping, dusting, sweeping, or scrubbing the dining room area. Kenny is scrubbing the floor while Karen sweeps up nearby with a push broom. One boy is vacuuming the throw rug in the living room. Mr. Weatherhead walks by\nMr. Weatherhead: Come on now! This is not the way we've told you to tidy up! Remember? Cleanliness is next to godliness, so make it kind of clean but not too much! Amanda! More ambiguous on the dusting! [there's a knock on the door] Kenneth, answer the door! [Kenny gets up and walks to the front door, opens it, and allows Cartman in and closes the door]\nCartman: What the? Dude, this is like poorer than my old house!\nKenny: (What the fuck are you doing here?!)\nMrs. Weatherhead: Hello Eric, your room is upstairs on the left. Are you hungry?\nCartman: You're my new mom?\nMrs. Weatherhead: You can call me Mom if you like.\nCartman: Alright Mom, how much money do you make? Like gross yearly income after taxes?\nScene Description: Upstairs. The boys' room is opened and Mr. Weatherhead shows Cartman in.\nMr. Weatherhead: This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers. You will be clean, polite, and most importantly, you WILL follow the agnostic code: We cannot know with certainty if God or Christ exists. They COULD. Then again there COULD be a giant reptilian bird in charge of everything. Can we be CERTAIN there isn't? NO, so it's pointless to talk about. Now say it with me.\nCartman: Goddamn, I've gotta sleep in a room with six other people?! How poor are we?!\nMr. Weatherhead: HEY! We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house, just in case there is one! Do you understand, or do you need the punishment room?!\nCartman: Oh heell naw! [yells into the hallway] Mom! Dad's being mean to me! Mem! MEEM! [Mrs. Weatherhead walks in]\nMrs. Weatherhead: My name. Is not. Meom!\nScene Description: Greeley Elementary, day. There are cows all over the campus and the building is even plainer than South Park Elementary's. Inside, Cartman walks with Kenny and Karen down the hallway\nCartman: Oh God, I'm so nervous. These kids all seem kind of mean.\nKaren: I'll see you at recess, right?\nKenny: (I'll be there, Karen.) [Karen walks into her classroom]\nCartman: You've already been here awhile, Kenny, so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay? And make sure they know I'm kewl. You've gotta have my back, Kenny! [Kenny walks up to a group of his new friends]\nBoy 1: [with thick wavy hair] Oh hey, Kenny. Who's this?\nKenny: (This is Eric Cartman.)\nBoy 2: [the tall one] Does he live with you at the foster home?\nCartman: [moves past Kenny] Okay, alright, so listen: I know our family is poor, okay?! But before we lived there, Kenny was actually poorer than me! So technically, he's the poorest kid at this school!\nBoy 1: What are you talking about? The poor kid in this school is Jacob Hallery. [Hallery is shown seated on some steps, looking unkempt and eating moldy bread]\nCartman: Really?\nBoy 2: Yeah, dude. His dad died five years ago and his mom went crazy from depression, so she can't even keep a job.\nCartman: [jumps for joy] YES! Yeheah, did you hear that Kenny?? We're good! I seriously thought we didn't stand a chance, but now... everything's gonna be okay! Cause I'm not (I'm not) the poor kid at school! [runs up to Jacob] Let's hear it for Jacob Hallery, guys! His mom is so poor she cuts coupons out to be institutionalized! Greeley Colorado's the place to be! It's a whole new beginning for you and me! Life can only get better 'cause I know one simple ruuule! I'm not (he's not) the poor kid at school!\nBoy 1: Did he do stuff like this at your old school?\nKenny: (Uh huh.)\nCartman: Let's put our hands up, everyone! 'Cept for Jacob. His mom is so poor she only understands hand-OUTS. [laughs even harder]\nScene Description: The principal's office, later. Cartman is facing the principal now.\nPrincipal: Eric, at Greeley Elementary we do not tolerate students making fun of other students.\nCartman: I wasn't making fun of anybody.\nPrincipal: [reading from a report about the incident] A twenty-minute song and dance number with forty seven \"Yo momma so poor\" jokes directed at Jacob Hallery, which ended in a finale with fireworks.\nCartman: I was just teasing.\nPrincipal: Your case worker has been notified, and he is not happy.\nCartman: My case worker? [looks over his shoulder and sees Mr. Adams walk in] Oh, not this guy!\nMr. Adam: I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, Eric! But you can't just turn all your frustrations on a little kid who can't defend himself! I mean, what do you think this is?! The shower room at Penn State?! I'm kidding. We like to have fun in our department, so I was like, I was like, \"What? Is this like the shower room at Penn State?!\" I joke around. This is my head shot. [hands the principal a picture of himself]\nCartman: Will you stop with the Penn State jokes?! All you're doing is taking something topical and revamping old Catholic jokes!\nMr. Adams: [a few seconds of silence] Oh! Oh, and \"your momma\" jokes are better?! They've been around since the '50s!\nPrincipal: [exasperated, he pounds both fists on the desk] What the hell does this have to do with anything?!\nGirl 1: Principal, you've gotta send help to the playground! They're about to beat up that new kid!\nScene Description: The playground outside. Karen has been singled out and the other kids close in on her.\nJessica: Aww, look at the new kid and her wittle dolly. You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?!\nBoy 3: L-leave her alone.\nJessica: Shut up! You foster twerps are all the same! Come on! Hand over the doll! [from on high Mysterion drops down in front of Karen] Who the hell is this?!\nMysterion: How about you find another little girl to pick on?\nJessica: Mind your business, Peter Pan! [Mysterion kicks her in the stomach, then gives her a flying punch across the face which leads to a black eye, and punches her again, leading to her falling on her face]\nMysterion: [pulling Jessica's head up by her hair] Karen McCormick is off limits! Do you understand?! Make sure everybody in this school knows! [drops some Chinese fireworks as a distraction while he takes Karen up to the roof.]\nScene Description: The Weatherhead house, night. The family is at table. Mr. Weatherhead leads grace as Mrs. Weatherhead serves dinner individually.\nMr. Weatherhead: And if this food comes as a gift from some divine intelligence, we understand that an intelligent being cannot blame us for questioning its existence. Nobody knows, nobody can know if any deity is watching over us. Amen.\nBoy 4: Except for Karen's guardian angel.\nMr. Weatherhead: What?\nMelissa: Where did he take you after he saved you, Karen?\nKaren: He just took me back to my classroom. Then he disappeared like always.\nMr. Weatherhead: [pounds the table] What have we told you about making up angel stories?!\nGirl 3: But we SAW him. He leaped down from the sky.\nDavid: And he kicked the crap out of Jessica Pinkerton. [the other kids begin to chime in]\nMrs. Weatherhead: [moving quickly to the head of the table] Stop it, children! We do not speak such certainties in this house!\nMr. Weatherhead: Get down to the basement, all of you! It's time for the Punishment Room! [Kenny gets angry]\nScene Description: The basement, also known as the Punishment Room, later. David is now tied up and dangling from one of the beams. Mrs. Weatherhead douses him with a torrent of Dr Pep-er. The Weatherheads have kegs of it down there.\nDavid: AAAAAAAH!\nMr. Weatherhead: Now, did you see an angel?!\nDavid: No, I - no - I didn't see an angel.\nMr. Weatherhead: No, you can't be certain of that! You might've seen one! [to his wife] Hit him with the Dr Pep-er again. [the wife lets loose the drink once again, then stops] Are there such things as angels?!\nDavid: Maybe.\nMr. Weatherhead: Good! [the wife lets loose the drink once again]\nKaren: What do we do, Kenny? [Kenny isn't there] Kenny?\nMr. Weatherhead: What is the meaning of life?!\nDavid: It's impossible to knoooow!\nMr. Weatherhead: That's right! [a knock is soon heard, and it's persistent]\nMrs. Weatherhead: Who could that be? [the adults go upstairs and to the front door to answer it]\nMr. Adams: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, I received some disturbing news that all you're providing the foster children here to drink is soda?\nCartman: Haha, I told on you Mom and Dad!\nMr. Weatherhead: What business is that of yours?!\nMr. Adams: It's my business because Child Protective Services is accountable for these kids! [he now talks more calmly] Have I given you my head shot?\nMrs. Weatherhead: Yes, yes, we have that.\nMr. Adams: Okay now, are you only giving these kids Dr Pepper to drink?\nMr. Weatherhead: If we want to serve agnostic beverages in this house, then by Goddish we'll do it! The children you've sent here are undisciplined and talking about the certainty of angels! [a window breaks upstairs and the Weatherheads go up to see where it broke]\nMr. Adams: Excuse me! [waits, then sighs] Let's have a look around.\nScene Description: Upstairs, the Weatherheads enter the girls' room and find the walls covered in colored question marks - the sign of Mysterion. The Weatherheads walk towards the window\nMr. Weatherhead: What the? Who did this?\nMrs. Weatherhead: What is that? [Mysterion turns right and runs down the hallway and into the boys' room. The Weatherheads follow suit and find Mysterion squatting on the window sill. Mysterion drops down and out of view. The Weatherheads reach the window]\nMrs. Weatherhead: It was like a... little mystery person... flying around.\nMr. Weatherhead: Almost like some kind of... agnostic angel. [notices a note pinned to the outside wall with a knife. He removes the note and reads it. \"Look in the fridge.\"]\nScene Description: The basement. Mr. Adams and Cartman get to the floor and Mr. Adams finds the door to the Punishment Room locked, so he decides to run into it. This proves successful, and Mr. Adams gets to see what his work has led to.\nMr. Adams: Oh my God. [David is still dangling from the beam and the other kids are still in the corner by the water heater] What's going on here?\nDavid: [softly] We don't know... We can't possibly know...\nMr. Adams: [leans back on the door frame] What have I done? [sits in the doorway with his head in his hands] I took you kids from your parents without even checking into where you were going! I put innocent children into a dangerous environment! What am I, a recruitment coach for Penn State? [begins to cry. Cartman laughs] It's not funny!\nScene Description: The ground floor. The Weatherheads make their way slowly to the refrigerator.\nMr. Weatherhead: There's nothing in there but Dr Pepper, right? There can't be. [inside is one can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with a question mark attached to it with a spring. Mrs. Weatherhead opens the door quickly and finds the can]\nMrs. Weatherhead: Ohhh...\nMr. Weatherhead: How did that get here?! [takes the can out, and his wife closes the door] It says it's a Pabst Blue Ribbon.\nMrs. Weatherhead: What is it?\nMr. Weatherhead: [opens the can and takes a sip] It's like beer... but different. [hands it to his wife]\nMrs. Weatherhead: [takes a sip] But how did it get here? [they begin to take turns sipping the beer.]\nScene Description: Outside. Greeley police cars have pulled up and cops have poured out. Some of them are taking the Weatherheads out of the house as the foster kids watch.\nMr. Weatherhead: Shut your mouth, bitch!\nMrs. Weatherhead: You shut your mouth, you filth-fucking asshole!\nMr. Weatherhead: Fuck you, bitch!\nGreeley officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now look at the camera and say \"I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.\"\nMrs. Weatherhead: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!\nGreeley officer 2: Get in the car, you!\nMr. Weatherhead: Wait a minute, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble?\nMr. Adams: No, no, take all these kids back to their parents! We've embarrassed the system and made it something nobody wants to be a part of! It's like a Penn State homecoming party! [covers his face and begins to cry. Nearby, Cartman is already in the back seat of a cruiser as a third cop talks to him]\nGreeley officer 3: A false police report can carry up to a two-month prison term, son.\nCartman: I'm not saying it.\nGreeley officer 3: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard!\nCartman: I'm not saying it!\nGreeley officer 3: Then we'll add another charge for resisting!\nCartman: Okay, fine! [turns to the camera] I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!\nNarrator: Three arrests in just one power-packed episode, proving once again that we are all just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from becoming... white trash in trouble! Sponsored by Schlitz.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are once again in the hallway, but this time they're cheering Kenny's return\nStan: Well it sure is good to have you back, Kenny.\nKenny: (Thanks, Stan.)\nKyle: I hear your parents might give up selling meth for good.\nKenny: (Good for me.)\nCartman: [walks up] There he is, there's my buddy.\nKyle: How was jail, fatass?!\nCartman: Well, I did a lot of thinking. And you know, guys, there's an important lesson I think we've all learned. What do we do when the tables are turned? The day's looking brighter. Gray skies are turning blue. 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) the poor kid at school! Kenny's back and it's such a thrill. Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kiul! All that matters is no one thinks I'm a tool! 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) That's right, the poor kid in school. Sing it with me, guys! He's not the poor kid in school. (He's not) I'm not- [a giant reptilian bird's head smashes through the roof and second floor of the school and the kids clear out as the head looks around]\nKids: Aaaah! [the beak grabs Kenny and swings him back and forth between the lockers]\nKenny: (AAAAHH!) [the bird opens its mouth and swallows Kenny, then flies away. The kids look through the massive hole left by the bird]\nStan: ...What the fuck?!\nCartman: [begins to cry and walk away while Kyle stares angrily at him] Aww, my mom is so poor she walks down the road with one shoooe. [backs up] And if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she'd say \"No, I found ooone.\""}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Donovan house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Clyde are playing football in the backyard.\nStan: Throw it here! Throw it here! [Clyde throws the ball.] Yeah! Nice one, Clyde! [Clyde's mom shouts through the window.]\nBetsy: Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, get up here! Hurry! [Clyde runs in with panic. The boys follow him.]\nScene Description: Betsy is waiting Clyde in the bathroom with an angry expression. Clyde comes in and the other boys wait him outside.\nBetsy: [points at the toilet] What is that?\nClyde: A toilet?\nBetsy: That's right. It's a toilet, Clyde. And where is the toilet seat? It's up, because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde.\nClyde: Okay mom, just not in front of my friends okay?\nBetsy: No, not okay. Because you aren't getting the message! What if I'd fallen in? Start listening to me! Put it down! Put it down! [Clyde hurriedly puts it down. Betsy walks to the door] Thank you. [Clyde stands alone, embarrassed.]\nCartman: [whistles] Dude, that sucks, Clyde. A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet-time like that. Toilet-time is the last bastion of American freedom.\nKyle: Is your mom always like that dude?\nClyde: Look, could you guys just not say anything about this in school, please?\nCartman: [puts his arm on Clyde] Of course, man. It's cool.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in class.\nCartman: [imitating Clyde's mom] Clyde, Clyde! What have I told you about pissing on the seat? And Clyde's all like \"Ah, okay mom, fuck! Not in front of my friends! [He laughs, Butters joins him.]\nKyle: Cartman, it was actually really lame.\nCartmam: I know, right. Women are just jealous 'cause they have to sit outwards to pee and crap.\nButters: [laughs] Wait a minute! You're supposed to poop on the toilet facing out? [looks around] But I thought you sit on the toilet this way. [demonstrates by sitting backwards on his chair] So that you have that nice little shelf for your comics and chocolate milk? Well, because you got the flusher right here. No? [turns around] Oh jeez, that's embarrassing.\nBetsy: [offscreen] Clyde! Clyde! [comes in wearing a nightgown, a coat and slippers] There you are!\nClyde: Mom?\nBetsy: Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!\nClyde: Why?\nBetsy: What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?\nClyde: Mom, I'm in class.\nBetsy: How many times do I have to tell you Clyde? I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again.\nRoger: Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.\nBetsy: No, Roger! It's a disgusting habit and I'm sick and tired of it. If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina.\nButters: My grandma is from Virginia. [smiles]\nBetsy: You're coming home right now, and you're putting the seat down where it belongs. Let's go.\nClyde: [Looks down in embarrassment, leaves the classroom.]\nScene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman is lying on his bed with his pajamas on and he is cutting his toenails and eating Thwizlers while talking on the phone.\nCartman: Dude, I'm telling you it was fucking hysterical. Clyde had to get up in the middle of class and follow his mom home to put the seat down. He was so embarrassed, dude, I thought he was gonna die.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is talking on the phone while his family is seen eating dinner behind.\nKyle: I know, fatass. I was there.\nCartman: His mom... His mom goes: \"Clyde you're an asshole and now I have toilet water in my vagayjay.\"\nKyle: That's not what she said. You're putting extras on again. It's not that funny.\nCartman: I know dude. The bathroom is the last bastion of American freedom.\nKyle: Don't you just feel a little bad for Clyde?\nCartman: Nuh-uh.\nKyle: Well you should. The poor guy shouldn't be screamed for something that just isn't that big a deal at all. [police siren is heard offscreen.]\nScene Description: The Donovan house, night. The police, firefighters, ambulance and a crowd of people has gathered around the house. A ladder is placed to reach the second floor window. The camera pans to Stan and Kenny with Kyle approaching them.\nKyle: What's going on?\nStan: They are trying to save Clyde's mom.\nKyle: From what?\nStan: They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again.\nScene Description: The Donovan's bathroom. Betsy is stuck in the toilet, moaning and desperately trying to get herself out. Three firemen, a paramedics figure and Clyde are standing beside her.\nFireman 1: Hang it there. You're going to be fine okay? Stay with me now. [Another fireman approaches Roger.]\nFireman 2: I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.\nRoger: What?!\nFireman 2: When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush. It created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides.\nRoger: Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing?\nParamedic: Yes, we'll have to, but when we do that the change in pressure will rip out her organs.\nClyde: But she's not gonna die, is she?\nFireman 2: Why did you leave the toilet seat up, son?\nBetsy: Clyde! Clyde! [Clyde goes next to her.] Clyde, I want you to know I don't blame you for this. We should have been h-h-harder on you all those times you left the toilet seat up.\nClyde: Mom, I'm sorry.\nBetsy: Shhh! Sh! I.. don't... have a lot of time, Clyde. Just please put the toilet seat down from now on for your sister's sake, please. Oh, God, please let me go. Let me go. Do it! Do it! Do it! [The third fireman shuts off the plumbing. Betsy screams while her organs are pulled out, then stops, apparently dead.]\nClyde: Mom?\nScene Description: The church. It's the funeral of Betsy Donovan. A plain chant is heard. Stephen Stotch is giving his speech.\nStephen: I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature, more than anything. She always treated people with dignity and respect. [The camera zooms out. Betsy's corpse in the coffin is seen with a heavy make-up and a pink dress, yet still stuck in the toilet.] What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon. But I'm sure Betsy is hoping that her death will help women everywhere, just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet. [Sharon and Sheila look at each other in disbelief.]\nLinda: I'd like to say on behalf of the departed, that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down. It's a man's responsibility to put it down. It's not that hard. [all the women start to applause]\nWomen: Yeah, yes. That's right.\nMan With Grey Hair: [reads from a paper] Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard. So is it too much to ask women to just look and put it down before they go plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl?\nWoman With Brown Hair: My God, people. This is a funeral! Please have some respect! There's a little boy here who has lost his mother! [Clyde is shown, looking down in sorrow] He'll never see her again, because he couldn't take that sixth-tenths of a second to put the seat down when he was done peeing. [camera shows the woman again] And now little Clyde's mother is dead, and the blood is on his penis. [organ music is played]\nScene Description: The Cartman house, day. Two men from the TSA ring on the door. Cartman is watching Terrance and Phillip while eating cereal.\nTerrance: Crap. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.\nPhillip: Oh, hello, Ugly Bob. [the doorbell rings again]\nUgly Bob: Hello Terrance. Hello Phillip.\nCartman: Mom, get the door! [Liane walks in to answer the door]\nTerrance: You're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.\nUgly Bob: How come you guys say stuff like that?\nPhillip: Because you're goddamn ugly... [The sound from the TV fades away]\nTSA agent 1: Hello ma'am, we're the Toilet Safety Administration.\nLiane: The what?\nTSA agent 2: After the recent tragedy, new safety regulations require us to check every toilet for security. Can we come in?\nLiane: Oh sure. [The TSA employees come in and go upstairs to the bathroom.]\nCartman: Who are these buttholes?\nLiane: It's the Toilet Safety Administration, hun. They're gonna do something to the potty.\nCartman: My potty? What are they going to do to it? [runs upstairs]\nScene Description: The hallway. The TSA employees enter the bathroom while Cartman runs after them.\nCartman: Hey, hey! That's my bathroom! [Liane follows him]\nScene Description: The bathroom.\nTSA agent 1: Oh yeah, we're gonna have to completely redo this ma'am.\nLiane: Oh.\nTSA agent 1: You need to have this counter moved to a minimum of six inches, but we'll go ahead and install your safety belt.\nLiane: Safety belt?\nTSA agent 2: Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness so that nobody can fall in.\nCartman: Dude, you can't make me wear a seatbelt to take a dump.\nTSA agent 2: This is for your safety. A woman died, you know.\nCartman: Yeah but the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine.\nScene Description: Hoffman & Turk Law Office. Clyde, Kyle, Stan and Jimmy are talking to an attorney who is reading a case file.\nKyle: Sir, we are really worried about our friend Clyde. Everywhere he goes people are telling him he had blood on his wiener.\nAttorney: Uh-uh, go on.\nStan: We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault. Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened.\nKyle: So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody.\nAttorney: You can always sue somebody.\nKyle: All right, you see, Clyde. Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet.\nAttorney: You got it. [types on his computer] Here we go, the inventor of the toilet. [the camera shows the webpage he's reading, which turns out to be a Wickie page] Sir Thomas Harrington. In England, died in 1692.\nKyle: Aw, he's dead?\nStan: So then we can't sue him?\nAttorney: Why not? You can always sue somebody. It's just gonna take some special protocol. We would have to perform a sue-ance. [spooky music, lightning and thunder follow]\nJimmy: A...a...a...a sue-ance?\nAttorney: You bet. Here at Hoffman and Turk we specialize in suing the dead. If you hire us, we'll work hard, for you.\nStan: Wow, really?!\nKyle: [puts his arm around Clyde] You hear that Clyde?\nAttorney: Now look. I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face you fears. [draws a curtain] I warn you boys. A sue-ance can be very... expensive.\nStan: How expensive?\nAttorney: How much do you have?\nKyle: Clyde got $3000 from his mom's life insurance\nAttorney: Wow! That's exactly how much a sue-ance costs. [Dramatic music plays. The camera zooms to the man, then pans to the boys.]\nJimmy: Wow, that's weird.\nScene Description: Randy is sitting on a toilet. He yawns, then farts. A ladder is put on the window, with a cop on it knocking on the window\nRandy: Aw, damn it. [reaches the seatbelt. The cop knocks again, so he opens the window.] He, hey officer.\nOfficer: If you're stting on the toilet you need to wear your safety belt, sir.\nRandy: Yeah, I know, I had it on. I just took it off for a second to get the uh... to get to the uh...\nOfficer: The address here is 260 Avenue de los Mexicanos?\nRandy: Oh, come on, don't give me a ticket!\nOfficer: Gotta wear your safety belt or you could fall in.\nRandy: I'm not gonna fall in. I'm not a chick. [puts his belt on]\nOfficer: The law is the law sir. [hands over the ticket] You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date. Have a good day, sir. [leaves]\nRandy: Yeah thanks. [under his breath] Asshole.\nOfficer: [comes up] You say something?\nRandy: No, I was talking to my asshole. C-C'mon, asshole. Let's get back to work. [the cop leaves]\nScene Description: International House of Pancakes (IHOP), day. Cartman and Butters are in the long line for the bathroom. Butters looks impatient because of retaining his pee.\nCartman: This is unbelievable. Stupid Toilet Safety Administration. You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a forty minute line!\nR. Booth: Shoes off, belts off! Sharp objects go in the plastic tray!\nMan 1: This is inhumane.\nR. Booth: Shut up! Sir.\nScene Description: Two TSA agents are examining a woman for the toilet pass.\nR. Wiley: Taking a dump today, ma'am?\nWoman 2: No, just need to pee.\nR. Wiley: I'll just need to check inside your aaasshole. [Cartman comes in]\nCartman: Hey, how about you people speed it up in here? I'm about to crap my pants and I demand access to the toilet right now!\nR. Wiley: All right, do you mind if I touch your balls, sir?\nCartman: What? Yes I'd mind! Do you mind if I touch your fucking balls?\nGerald: [flushes and comes out the toilet cabin] Okay, I'm done.\nR. Wiley: Alright, sir. I just need to check inside your aaasshole. [takes out a handkerchief and starts wiping his butt]\nGerald: I don't need you wiping my ass for me. I'm a grown man.\nR. Wiley: Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir?\nGerald: Yeah, I'm a big boy.\nR. Wiley: That's a big boy, sir.\nGerald: I'm a big boy. I took a big boy poop.\nR. Wiley: Yes.\nScene Description: Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and the attorney are sitting around a table in a dark room. The attorney lights two candles.\nAttorney: Alright boys, sit down and clear your minds. The sue-ance is about to begin. Doors and windows are locked. You boys have your $500 in cash ready?\nStan: [holds the money] Yeah.\nAttorney: Alright. Then I've got this big bowl set here to catch all money we're about to make. Now. Let us start. [holds hands with Jimmy and Clyde, then closes his eyes, so does Jimmy] We call out to the land of the dead. Sir John Harrington. Your presence is requested. Appear to us, John Harrington. We have a subpoena.\nJimmy: Jeez, it's not working.\nAttorney: John Harrington. My client is due compensation for negligence. [a creepy music plays. The table starts to rock, much to the Stan and Kyle's surprise.] What is your name, spirit?\nSpirit: [offscreen] Burns. Jimmy Burns. What's it to you? Who are you, mugs?\nAttorney: [under his breath] That's how people talked in the past. [to the spirit] We have a claim against a John Harrington. Do you know him, spirit?\nBurns: Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't. Might need a little something to jar my memory.\nAttorney: We gotta grease him. Put a hundred in the box. [Stan puts the money. The money disappears with a sparkling effect.]\nBurns: Oh yeah, Harrington. I know him. Always going round inventing things.\nAttorney: Yes, that's him. Is his personage amongst you?\nBurns: Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't.\nAttorney: Give him another hundred. [Stan puts the money, it disappears like the previous one]\nBurns: Yeah, I've seen him around, alright. He was just down that way, bragging about some porcelain machine and whatever. [the table rocks]\nSpirit 2: Nooo! Nooooo!\nAttorney: By the power of Christ, we sue you! [fireworks start to pop] By the power of Christ, we sue you!\nSpirit 2: You can't sue me! [the drawers around the room move]\nAttorney: Quick, put the other $300 in the box! [Stan tosses the money. The attorney swings the box, gasping for breath.] This actually went really, really well. Always happens some bureaucrat tries to block the first sue-ance attempt, but this was good. We'll get him tomorrow.\nClyde: So that's it?\nAttorney: Yeah, we're gonna need about 400 more dollars tomorrow. I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde, but don't worry. We're going to win this thing.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy walks in the hallway to the toilet. He is in his morning gown, hold a coffee in his hand.\nScene Description: The toilet. The two TSA agents from IHOP are there. R. Wiley is sitting behind a plastic tray.\nR. Wiley: Put your coffee in the plastic tray please, sir.\nR. Booth: Shoes off. Belts off.\nRand: [takes off his gown] Yeah yeah.\nR. West: Got any metal in your pockets?\nR. Wiley: I just need to check your asshole.\nRandy: [sighs, then turns around, lowering his pants] So ridiculous.\nR. Wiley: [examines his ass with a flashlight] Asshole clear.\nRandy: [puts his pants on] Thanks.\nR. West: Pick your coffee up, sir. [Randy picks his coffee, then heads to the toilet]\nR. Wiley: Anyways, he says I'm getting nothing anyway, so then you can...\nRandy: [points away] Hey, what's that thing? [a camera]\nR. Wiley: That's a camera. It's a security camera.\nRandy: Aw, you people have me on camera now?\nR. West: It's okay, sir. There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discrete location.\nScene Description: The TSA security camera monitoring room. There is one guy apparently masturbating over the view of hundreds of people in bathrooms.\nScene Description: South Park Community Center. Cartman is giving his speech\nCartman: Exactly how long are we going to sit around as our freedoms are stripped away one by one. It's time for us to stand together, and say, we want the government out of our bathrooms.\nPeople: Yeah.\nCartman: Now listen. All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down. If they can't raise or lower, there's zero chance of anyone falling in.\nMr. Garrison: Hey, yeah. If there's no toilet seats, the government can't make toilet seat laws. [the crowd cheers]\nJimbo: Alright, let's do it.\nSheila: No, no, hold on. If the seat can't raise up the men will just pee all over it.\nMan 3: No, we won't.\nWoman 3: Yeah, you will.\nCartman: Well, sorry if women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rim, but it's a far better solution than having the government in out bathrooms, right?\nWoman 4: How about we agree to that, if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate.\nStephen: Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee. How could we play sink the boat?\nRandy: Yeah, how will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover nights?\nMan 4: What about us loggers? Hardworking man who like to stand up after they have taken a poo and then turn around and but the poo in half with their urine?\nCartman: Well, sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like children, we might have to give up being able to pee out feces in half.\nMan 4: But folks been logging round these parts for generations. My pappy taught me logging. And his pappy before him.\nRandy: Yeah, I think we've just gotta live with the TSA. [several men say 'Yeah' agreeing him]\nScene Description: The dark room. Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and the attorney are sitting around the same table. The attorney is holding hands with Jimmy and Clyde with his eyes closed.\nAttorney: Oh, oohh! The spirits of the dead are looking over the subpoena. Motion for summary judgement on behalf of the plaintiff? Ah, aaaah!\nJimmy: What's happening now?\nAttorney: Our motion has been denied by the judge. [the drawers begin to move] Concentrate boys! [holds the box tight. The drawers stop, the attorney heaves a sigh of relief] This specter is like none I have ever encountered. I managed to avert liability within injunction against out claim.\nStan: So what does that mean?\nAttorney: We'll hit him with a class action lawsuit tomorrow. We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition and kick in 50 bucks each.\nKyle: [frowning] What?\nAttorney: Hang in there, Clyde. This is all to make the world a safer place.\nScene Description: The security camera monitoring room. Squishy sounds arise while the monitor guy masturbates. He clicks on the monitor's button a couple of times to change the channel, then stops at a woman reading book while taking a dump. He changes the channel some more, and then takes some bit of the moisturizing lotion on the table to put on his penis. He keeps on changing the channel until the view of Cartman standing with an angry face appears. He keeps looking at the monitor while rubbing his penis, though his motions get more interrupted. Cartman puts a gun on a stool, brings in a baby and R. Wiley, bound and gagged. He climbs up a small ladder and sprays the camera with black spray paint. The man's expression changes to a concerned look. He reaches to the microphone.\nMonitor Man: Security breeeach!\nScene Description: The news.\nReporter: An embarrassing day for the toilet safety administration. Shocking outrage ensued after an unknown terrorist managed to get through TSA security with a gun and a baby. Leaving the toilet seat up. The head TSA chief of operations had this to say:\nScene Description: R. West is shown sitting on an outside table in a park.\nR. West: Shiiiit!\nReporter: Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown government bureaucracy.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. A huge crowd has gathered in front of the building. Cartman is standing in front of the crowd, and Randy is behind the pulpit\nRandy: What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us? Why have we given up freedom if a terrorist can take a hostage in a bathroom with a baby and a gun on the toilet?\nWoman 5: And the toilet seat was up.\nRandy: We've all stood by as our mother government has taken out dignity.\nCartman: That's right.\nRandy: Now it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves.\nCartman: Yeah.\nRandy: It is time for us all to grow up.\nCartman: That's right.\nRandy: It is time for a sue-ance.\nPeople: Yeah.\nCartman: Wait, what? What the fuck is a sue-ance?\nScene Description: Colorado State Courthouse. A news reporter is standing outside the building.\nReporter 2: Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park courthouse where experts have successfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor Sir John Harrington. Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead, lawyers are gonna try and sue him.\nScene Description: The court. A trial is hold. The judge has a bored look on his face.\nAttorney: Sir Thomas Harrington, your extreme negligence has cost tax payers millions.\nSpirit: No! No!\nAttorney: You will be sued, spirit. Thy liability is without question. [the table before the attorney moves. Jimmy, Clyde, Cartman, Stan and Kyle are shown sitting there.] Appear before this court, Harrington.\nSpirit: Never!\nAttorney: Quick, everyone, get our all your money. [the light goes out and the table rocks. A bright light appears above the judge accompanied by an echoed voice. It turns out to be Betsy's ghost.]\nBetsy: Clyde? Clyde?\nClyde: Mom?\nBetsy: [points to the attorney] This lawyer is a fraud. He has been swindling you and your friends for your money.\nAttorney: Fuck me, it's a ghost.\nBetsy: You can't sue the dead, Clyde. Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette. It's common sense, Clyde!\nCartman: Oh boy, here we go.\nBetsy: Don't try and blame mommy's death on anything but your failure to something I have asked you time and time again to do. [camera pans to Clyde] It's your fault!\nSpirit 2: [offscreen] Now hold on a second! It's not anyone's fault. [everyone turns to the root of the sound. A spirit enters the court] I am sick an tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine.\nP. Sanchez: There he is, Sir John Harrington.\nMr. Garrison: Quick, sue him!\nSir Harrington: You can't sue me. [approaches to the toilet cabinet located in the court] You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way. [camera pans to the TSA agents who look at each other] When you have to sit and take a Sir Harrington you're supposed to be facing this way. [sits on it backwards, just like the way Butters did] So you can use the little shelf for your books, and your quill and your ink.\nButters: A-ha! I told you you should sit on it that way! I told you!\nSir Harrington: Why would I design it so that when you're finished taking a Sir Harrington, you have to stand up, turn around and look right down at your Harrington to flush. That's gross.\nRandy: Yeah, but... but if you sit on it that way, you have to take your pants all the way off.\nSir Harrington: Of course! Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole? [points to the hole in the cabin]\nRandy: That's what that hole is for? Oh. [the people in the room join] Oops.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman is lying on the bed in his pajamas while cutting his toenails, just like the beginning of the episode. He is talking on the phone.\nCartman: So then... so then Clyde's mom's ghost was all like \"Clyde, what have I told you Clyde, you asshole!\" And Clyde is all like \"Mom, leave me alone! I'm seriously. Stop, please!\" Dude, it was a riot.\nScene Description: Clyde is reading a comic book on a shelf while holding the receiver on his ear.\nClyde: That's not what I said.\nCartman: Hah. Yeah, well, I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with. I know you've had a tough week, Clyde. But at least your mom didn't die for nothing. I mean, we're kinda right back at the bathroom being the last bastion of American freedom. So technically, your mom did die for nothing, but... Clyde? Clyde?\nScene Description: Clyde is sitting on the toilet... backwards, and peeing.\nCartman: [his voice comes through the receiver] Clyde, you there? Hello? [Clyde comes off the toilet, flushing it. He waits for a few seconds, then angrily puts the seat up, and leaves the bathroom while flipping off his mother pointing upwards.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Looming Sunset Assisted Living center, day. We can surmise from this that Grandpa Marsh was put in this home when Sharon and Randy divorced shortly after Stan's 10th birthday. The family stops by for a visit.\nRandy: Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.\nSharon: What?! Randy!\nRandy: [shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude.\nMarvin: [rolls over to a small table next to the TV. There's a gift-wrapped box on it] Hold on, hold on just a second. I got a present for my grandson. [gets the box and wheels back to the family] Come here, Billy. [meets Stan in the middle of the room] You've grown up, Billy. It's time for you to have somethin' expensive and flashy [Stan smiles and glances back at his parents], to impress all the ladies [Stan takes the gift from him, then looks back at his parents].\nSharon: Go ahead and open it, Stan. [Stan opens the gift as Shelly and his parents surround him. Sharon kneels behind him and looks over his shoulder] Ohoho look at that! A bolo tie! Isn't that beautiful, Stan? [she puts it on him - gold base, turquoise center, diamonds surrounding it (12 small, 24 tiny)]\nMarvin: That's 14 karat gold, with turquoise and reeeal diamonds.\nRandy: [approaches Marvin] Grandpa, how much did you spend on that?\nMarvin: Six thousand dollars.\nRandy: Six thousand?!\nMarvin: It's worth fifty thousand. The Jewels and Gems Shopping Network said so.\nRandy: Dad, you shouldn't be spending your retirement money on frivolous things! You should be saving it for when you die. That's our money!\nSharon: It's gorgeous, Dad, thank you. Oh, and tomorrow's picture day at school! Stan can wear it for his photo!\nMarvin: Oh, that's wonderful! That'll make me feel reeeally good. Who's Stan?\nScene Description: The bus stop, next day. It's picture day! Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting at the bus stop. Stan approaches, wearing the bolo tie, and stands next to the other boys. Cartman studies him at length\nCartman: Nice bolo tie, Stan.\nStan: [looks away to avoid eye contact] Thanks. [Kyle takes notice]\nCartman: Bolo ties are... [quickly glances at Kyle] really in right now. Cool you have one.\nStan: [annoyed] Look, it was a gift from my grandpa, okay? And it cost a lot of money.\nCartman: No, dude, it's... badass.\nStan: [angered] It happens to be worth six thousand dollars!\nKyle: That... was six grand?\nStan: Yeah dude. It's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by King Henry V.\nCartman: ...Dude, it's fucking gay as fuck.\nStan: [finally breaks, facepalming] I know! [lowers his right arm] I really wish if my grandpa wanted to give me something, he'd just give me the money!\nKyle: Why don't you take it to one of those pawn places? Every two blocks you see a guy with a sign that says \"Cash For Gold and Jewelry.\" There must be a lot of people doin' it.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, the jewelry district, day. Outside a Cash For Gold store a man spins a sign around with his hands. Inside, behind a bullet-proof partition, a clerk looks the bolo over with a jeweler's scope\nClerk 1: You didn't steal this, did you?\nStan: No, my grandpa gave to me as a present. But it's worth so much I reel really bad accepting it, so I just want the cash.\nClerk 1: [does some calculations on his computer] It's 14-karat gold, diamond and turquoise. I'll give you fifteen dollars.\nStan: ...What? That cost my grandpa six thousand dollars. Those are real diamonds on the outside.\nClerk 1: Yeah, I can't really make anything on the diamonds. I'd have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelted down for the gold, probably could make a ten-dollar profit.\nStan: Fifteen bucks?!\nKyle: Dude, this guy's trying to rook us! We can go someplace else!\nStan: Yeah, I'm not gettin' taken advantage of! [takes back the bolo tie]\nCartman: You may suck our collective balls, sir! [they leave the store, turn right and walk]\nKyle: Don't worry. There's gotta be another cash for gold place around here somewhere.\nStan: Yeah! Here's one. [turns into the next store past the empty lot. The man outside is wearing a signboard]\nScene Description: Inside the second store, a fat blonde woman looks the bolo tie over\nClerk 2: These are real diamonds, right?\nStan: Yeah dude, you can test them.\nClerk 2: Okay. Eight dollars.\nStan: [stunned, then angry] This is the same bolo tie worn by King Henry V!\nClerk 2: [looks it over again] Nine dollars.\nScene Description: Taco Bell, day. No go at the second store, so the boys come here. Outside, a man twirls a sign around which also points to Taco Bell as a cash for gold and jewelry store. The boys go in and get the bolo tie appraised\nClerk 3: Welcome to Taco Bell. Would you like to try our Doritos Locos Tacos?\nStan: I wanna see how much you'll give me for this gold and turquoise diamond bolo. [hands the bolo to the clerk. The clerk looks it over, brings out his own pocket scope, and looks it over more closely]\nClerk 3: Fourteen-karat gold gets yaaa $14 a gram on the open market, got about... 4 grams here... [puts his scope away] It's not really worth my time. I guess I can give you a six-layer burrito for it.\nStan: A six-layer burrito?\nKyle: You guys don't even make a six-layer burrito!\nClerk 3: Alright, a seven-layer burrito! But that's as high as I'm going!\nScene Description: Outside Taco Bell, sitting on a curb\nStan: Dude, my grandpa paid $6000 for something barely worth anything. How? How does something like this happen?\nScene Description: J&G Shopping Network, Jewelry Bonanza with DEAN, Channel 233. The show is already in progress. Dean, dressed in a white Western shirt, shows off his wares\nDean: Okay, folks, we are com-, half-way complete with today's broadcast. [scratches his nose] You wanna get in on these deals, call now. Next item is... This is item number 4 5 7 8 1 1 1. [switch to a close-up] Look at these stunning earrings. These are genuine faux sapphire earrings. Fourteen karat gold, 86 carat faux sapphire. Faux is a French word. Got an x in it, but you don't need to pronounce the x. How do you like that for prestigious? These earrings normally go for $6,000,000. We're gonna sell these today fer... [purses his lips together and exhales through them] $320!That's a steal. Now th-oh, there go the phones, they're lightin' up. I believe we have a sale? Do we have a sale? Yea- let's get her on the line. Hello? Who am I speakin' with?\nVivian: Hello... my name is... Vivian.\nDean: Vivian, you just got a heck of a deal. What's your last name, sweetheart?\nVivian: Oh I... I can't remember.\nDean: You can't remember. Well can you remember your credit card number?\nVivian: 3 7 1 5-\nDean: Hold on, Vivian, we'll get you on with a rep, take down that number. Thanks for shoppin' with us and congratulations on the lovely 14 karat gold sapphire earrings. At that price you practically stole them from us. Ouch. Okay-\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. The boys are looking at Jewelry Bonanza in the living room and have just seen an old woman get swindled out of her money\nKyle: Dude, that's terrible!\nCartman: I told you guys. I've been watching all day.\nStan: But, how do they get away with that?\nCartman: This is a new time. A new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend. [walks out]\nStan: What are you talking about?\nCartman: [standing next to a covered mobile whiteboard] For centuries alchemists have tried to come up with a formula to make gold. Whoever could do it would of course become rich, and now-! The chemical equation is right before our eyes. [unveils the equation]\nKyle: That's the chemical equation for gold?\nCartman: That's right. [goes through and denotes what each letter means] Guys with Cash For Gold Signs gets you People's Unwanted Crappy Jewelry, which when added to a Cable-Based Shopping Network divided by Demented Old people equals... Gold. [writes in an equal sign and \"GOLD\" at the end]\nKyle: ...Kenny, will you tell Cartman to shut up?\nKenny: (Shut the fuck up, dude! You're a fuckin' asshole!)\nCartman: Oh, I'm an asshole for doin' math!\nDean: Oh my gosh, can you believe this? Somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring for just four thousand bucks. [a close-up of the ring] We've got our buyer on the line. You buyin' this as a gift, sir?\nCaller: No, I'm buying it as a gift! For my grandson Billy!\nStan: Grandpa? [gets off the sofa and runs out the front door]\nScene Description: Looming Sunset Assisted Living, night. Marvin is watching Jewely Bonanza. Onscreen is a necklace with a large emerald on it\nDean: How about that, folks? That is Brazilian emerald, finest emerald available. We're letting this oen go fer... fourteen ninety five [$1495.00 onscreen], EZ Pay. We call it that to save you time. EZ is an abbreviation of easy. Fourteen ninety five, EZ Pay an... What's that? Okay, alright, I just got word, we are droppin' the Z from EZ Pay. It's now just E Pay. [onscreen EZ Pay is erased, then E Pay appears] By usin' the word E Pay instead of takin' all that time to say EZ Pay, we're savin' you a second of time, and those seconds add up. Go ahead and try it: say E Pay five thousand times. That's five thousand seconds, nine hours... we just saved you here on J&G Shoppin' Network. [Grandpa's eyes begin to wander] Not wastin' your time here, you can't afford not to buy this one. You don't have a lot of time left. Literally. Pass this one down to your kids, your grandkids. [Stan appears at the doorway] Show 'em your life had meaning.\nStan: Grandpa.\nMarvin: [turns his head to the left to look at Stan] Well you see that, Billy? That's an emerald on 14 karat gold. Don't you think your sister would like that? [smiles]\nStan: She doesn't like jewelry, Grandpa.\nMarvin: Ha! Well she will one day. She'll appreciate it. She's, she's just a baby after all.\nStan: She's not a baby, Grandpa, she's thirteen.\nMarvin: Shelly's thirteen? Rihight. Right, boy... [faces the TV again, visibly shaken] Billy, did I ever tell you I used to have a border collie named Patches?\nStan: Yes, Grandpa.\nMarvin: [reminiscing with a smile] I loved that dog. She always made me so happy. When she died, I... I didn't let myself get too sad, 'cause I thought, thought I'd always have the memory of her slobberin' happy face. [the smile disappears] I can't remember what she looked like, Billy... Huh. Huohh. [gets a headache and rests his head on his left hand]\nStan: Don't worry, Grandpa. I'm gonna take care of this! [turns to his left and leaves with determination. Marvin is left looking distressed]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. During recess, Butters twirls a sign around, while Cartman is decked out in all sorts of jewelry.\nCartman: Hey Craig. Goin' on? Token! Bet your mom has some old jewelry she wouldn't notice missing. Bebe! You got those rhinestones in your earrings, I'll have some walking cash! I can probably offer you a-\nButters: [loses control of the sign] Whoops! [it lands face up on the snow]\nCartman: [quickly analyzing the situation] Butters, what the fuck?!\nButters: [winces, then massages his right arm] Sorry. My arms hurt.\nCartman: \"My arms hurt.\" Pick the fucking sign up, Butters! This is a business! [Butters picks the sign up and resumes twirling]\nLeroy: Hey! How much will you give me for this? [shows him a ring with a huge rock on it]\nCartman: Oh ahhhh, three bucks.\nLeroy: Okay. [gives the ring to Cartman, who transfers it to his left hand. Cartman reaches into his back pocket and give Leroy the three dollars. Leroy turns and walks away]\nCartman: We got crappy jewelry Butters. Now all we need are some old people.\nScene Description: Jewelry Bonanza.\nDean: And that's it, we just sold this bracelet to Ms. Marcia Tubbs. Marcia, thank you so much for your call. You just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one. You there Marcia?\nMarcia: [over the phone] Yes. [a car honks at her] I'm lost. I'm lost walkin' on the freeway.\nDean: Alright, you're lost walkin' on the freeway? Enjoy the Tiger's Eye Aquamarine bracelet. Alri- okay, what should we do next? Oh I see one. Here's a good'un. Lemme... [picks out a ring with a large yellow stone in the middle] Lemme... lemme set the stage for you here: you're goin' to that seniors' cocktail party? It's bingo night and you're lookin' for somethin' to wear? How about a 13 carat panzoto-panzanite ring. This is-oh! We got a caller already on this one! Hello sir, you must be a fan of panzoto-panzanite.\nStan: Yeah, hi. Um, you should kill yourself?\nDean: ...What's that?\nStan: I said, you should kill yourself? What you do is sort of, unjustifiable? And you know it's unjustifiable? And you don't care? You're the definition of evil? Kill yourself?\nDean: Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just thirty-seven ninety five. [$3,795.00 onscreen] How's that? [puts the ring onto a woman's right ring finger.]\nStan: I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up Social Security checks? Kill yourself.\nDean: Alright, well you shouldn't say things like that 'cause... some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it, and then you'd feel really bad.\nStan: No I wouldn't.\nDean: Yes you would.\nStan: No, because I really want you to kill yourself.\nDean: Alright, well how about this?! If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows the brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth ...2.7 million dollars? How's that sound?\nStan: I don't care what happens to me, I care about my grandfather, you morally empty corrupted maggot!\nDean: [long silence as the jewelry carousel goes around] Alright, I tell you what: I'll bring the lawsuit down to twenty-nine thirty-nine- [the $6,000,000 is erased and replaced by $2,939.00]\nStan: Nono, uh it doesn't matter what price you put on anything! Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done, and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself.\nDean: [another long silence, then he clears his throat] Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's callin' up and tellin' someone to kill themselves; that's not a joke.\nStan: I'm not joking. [pause] Do it.\nScene Description: Eric Jewelry Cavalcade, with Eric. Now on the Old People's Shopping Network, founded by Eric Cartman. He's in his basement, behind a table with his own props and jewelry\nCartman: Okay, next item? Next item we're gonna do is uh, 5 5 2 1 6 uh 7, 7 5, 5 [actually 55-26177] This is-oh my God, look at this you guys. [shows off the ring Leroy sold him earlier] This is 200 carat Brazilian emerald and plasticine ring. I'm gonna start bidding for this ring at, um, let's see, eight billion dollars. Eight billion dollars, opening bid. We've gotta sell this ring today. Tell you what, I'm gonna take it down a little. We're gonna drop that price down to... $75.95. At this price it's not gonna last for lo-oh, we got a caller already, Butters? Butters? Look like- Did we sell it? Yep, seventy-five ninety-five, that's what the ring just sold for. Do we have the buyer on the line? Hello?\nCaller: Hello?\nCartman: YES, you just bought this lovely 200-carat ring. How do you feel, Mrs...?\nMrs. Appleby: This is Mrs. Appleby on 24 Palmark Lane?\nCartman: Can I ask you something, Mrs. Appleby? Do you like fucking little boys?\nMrs. Appleby: [long pause] I'm sorry?\nCartman: Just wondering if you fuck kids all the time, 'cause that's what you just did with this deal. You just got an $8,000,000,000 ring for seventy-five ninety-five. You fucked me good, Mrs. Appleby. Congratulations, ma'am.\nMrs. Appleby: Thank you.\nCartman: Were you just flippin' through the channels and saw me selling this ring and thought \"Hm, I'd like to fuck that kid!\"\nMrs. Appleby: ...I thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter Jessica. She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson High School. see-\nCartman: Oh-kay, thanks for shopping with us. I gotta get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth.\nMrs. Appleby: Goodbye.\nCartman: Bye! Man that's good acting. I should get an award.\nScene Description: A smelting plant. Shown is the Oscar for Best Actor: Sean Penn in Milk. The camera pulls back to reveal a pile of gold jewelry on which the Oscar sits. A shovel comes in and scoops it up with some other jewelry. The worker holding the shovel moves it to a vat of molten gold and dumps the jewelry into the vat. Escaping air makes a fart sound as the jewelry sinks into liquid gold, and then some bubbles popping follow\nStan: Do you have any idea what it would feel like to start losing your memories?! No! Because you don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimer's! Well I do!\nManager: Look, kid, if you've got a beef with the system, you're talkin' to the wrong people. All we do is smelter down what we get from the cash for gold places.\nStan: Yeah?! Well there's an old Hindu saying: \"Whoever smelt it, dealt it!\"\nKyle: Yeah!\nKenny: (Fuck yeah!)\nManager: We aren't the ones who denied you what your jewelry was really worth. The Hindu saying is actually \"Mayii nahii chahatapahnii\"\nKyle: What does that mean?\nManager: \"Whoever denied it, [lowers his voice] supplied it.\" [the boys are stunned]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan is now on a crusade to stop this madness, but he hasn't found the right target. Kyle has his arms crossed\nStan: YOU are the scums of the earth! Old people are victimized by shopping networks and YOU kick back in your fat-cat mansions, making billions!\nButters: [looks around at his fellow sign twirlers] We aren't makin' that much, fellas.\nStan: You're not?\nTwirler 1: Who don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down? The old Hindu saying is \"Whever smelt it dealt it\" [other twirlers agree with him: \"Yeah!\" \"That's right!\"]\nKyle: [leans forward] Nuh uh! It's \"Whoever denied it, supplied it!\"\nTwirler 2: You got it all wrong. The jewelry that those shopping networks sell don't even come from us! It's all made in India, where those Hindu rhymes come from!\nTwirler 3: What are you saying, Gustav? My God, do you mean?\nTwirler 4: That's right. Whoever made the rhyme did the crime.\nScene Description: Gems Wholesale, day. Cartman walks by with a briefcase\nCartman: Suck my balls, suck my balls... [enters the store] Hello!\nClerk 4: [An Asian woman] Ohhhh welcoooome! Welcome to discount jewelry stohhhhh! [her two assistants join her as Cartman takes a seat at the counter]\nCartman: [shoves his briefcase to one side] Yeah, listen, I'm running a resale business, but I can't get enough of people's unwanted crappy jewelry to keep up, so I'd like to buy some of yours.\nClerk 4: [claps way too quickly] Ohhhhh you so good foh biiiziness! [points to her brain] You so clehhvahh.\nCartman: I get by. Let's see, I'm gonna need some gold necklaces, diamond bracelets, and emerald earrings.\nClerk 4: Okay, what emero do you rike?\nCartman: Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll take that ring there.\nClerk 4: Ohhhh you make so good chooice! Oh it's beauuutiful! [shows her aides] Look it's beauuutiful! [they too clap way too quickly]\nCartman: And uh, maybe I'll that one for three hundred.\nClerk 4: Oh, that's best one! You so clevohh! [claps quickly a few times] You take advantage o'my low pricess! [claps a few times]\nCartman: How about that panzanite bracelet for nine ninety five.\nClerk 4: You got good eye, [points to her brain] You so clehhvahh. I getting taken advantaaage! You rike to fuck an Asian lady?\nCartman: [long pause] What d'ja say?\nClerk 4: I know, you walk by my stoh and you say \"Oh, there's a nice Asian lady. I think I go in and I fuck hurh,\" you Asian-lady fucker you!\nCartman: Wait a minute. How much do you pay for this stuff?\nClerk 4: Oh, I pay thousands! And you come heuh an' fuck me!\nCartman: Okay, quit the act! I'm not fucking you and you know it!\nClerk 4: Nono, you fucked me!\nCartman: Nono, you fucked me! Fuck you!\nScene Description: India Manufacturing, Inc., a rainy day somewhere in India. A taxi pulls up to the plant, with Cartman and Butters inside.\nCartman: My balls, my balls, suck 'em dry...[Butters opens his door and hops out, then opens Cartman's door. Cartman looks around and clears his throat to get Butters' attention.]\nButters: Oh sorry, sorry. [looks back at his seat and pulls out the sign. then points it at Cartman. Cartman then hops out and proceeds to the plant, with Butters following]\nScene Description: Inside the plant. All the workers here are children working in cubicles, assembling new jewelry. A supervisor walks by collecting newly finished jewelry in a metal box. The receptionist shows Cartman and Butters in while one boy is sealing packages in another room\nCartman: [to the receptionist] You see, I'm looking to cut out the middle man. I want to buy my jewelry direct from you so that- [a disturbing sight stops him in his tracks] Motherfucker!\nStan: [railing at an older Indian boy] You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting! How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?! [Kenny and Kyle are with him]\nCartman: [approaches the other boys] You dirty double-crossing assholes! You're trying to cut me out, huh?! You guys stole my formula, then tried to fuck me- Butters!\nButters: Sorry! [catches up to him]\nCartman: -and then tried to fuck me out of your business!\nKyle: We're not fucking you, they're fucking Stan's grandpa!\nCartman: No, they're getting fucked by Asian ladies!\nStan: Somebody is at the head of all this, and somebody needs to pay! All I want is some Goddamned retribution for my Goddamned grandpa! [the boy reaches for a necklace and offers it to Stan] No! Not a diamond-and-gold necklace! [the boy thinks about what to do with the necklace, then reaches for a small plastic pouch and puts it in. The boy motions to another boy]\nKyle: What's he doing?\nScene Description: Montage. The boy tosses the necklace into a box being carried by another supervisor, then motions to someone else as the supervisor carries the box away. Outside, several workers load up a truck. The supervisor gives his box to one of the loaders. A planeload of jewelry leaves India and arrives at Atlanta. The box is then shipped by QDC to J&G headquarters. A J&G worker carries a gold ruby necklace to Dean at his Jewelry Bonanza set. He then puts the necklace on camera and sells it to an elderly woman who still lives at home. A FedExX truck arrives at her house and the driver delivers it to her personally. He tips his hat to her as he leaves. She opens the package right then and there, at her front door, and pulls out the necklace. She gives it to her daughter, who is quite happy to get it. The daughter goes to a Cash For Gold store and sells it to the clerk. He puts it into a box containing other jewelry, puts in more jewelry to fill the box up, then delivers it to an Industrial Smelting and Refining plant. He sells it to one of the workers there. The worker brings it into a room and splits the jewelry among his associates. They sort the gems by type as they dismantle the jewelry. The gold is sent to be melted down and made into gold bars. The gold and jewels are sent separately back to India, where an IPS truck goes to India Manufacturing to deliver the raw materials. The workers deliver the materials to the supervisors, who take them inside and distribute them among the child workers. The child workers assemble the raw materials into new jewelry, and the cycle starts again. Back in Atlanta, more packages are delivered to J&G headquarters by E-Z Delivery. A J&G worker delivers a gold amethyst necklace to Dean, who sells it to an elderly couple. An ADL truck arrives and the driver delivers it to the couple. The husband receives it and opens it. The driver tips his hat and leaves. The couple then offer the necklace to their daughter, who's overjoyed to get it. She and her husband take the necklace to a different cash for gold store and sell it to the clerk there. The necklace is dismantled into its various parts and the gold melted down again. IPS delivers the raw materials back to India Manufacturing. A supervisor dumps some gems onto the desk of a different child worker, who is working on a picture frame. He finishes the frame and walks up to the older boy. The older boy takes the picture frame to Stan and gives it to him.\nStan: Oh, yeah. Actually, this might kind of work.\nScene Description: The park surrounding Looming Sunset, day. Stan is visiting Marvin, who's well enough to sit on the bench with him with the use of a cane\nStan: So the we went to India, which is pretty cool I guess. I've never been there before. And we basically learned that whoever smelt it, denied it, and rhymed it actually dealt it.\nMarvin: Ahh, sounds like you had a fun weekend.\nStan: Yeah, I guess so. Anyway Grandpa, I wanted to give you something. [hands him the gift]\nMarvin: Oh, for me? [takes the gift and unwraps it] Oh! My God. There she is. [a picture of Grandpa in younger days with his dog] Old Patches. There's that slobberin' happy face! Thank you Billy. That means a lot. [they smile at each other for a moment] Billy, that... that bolo tie you're wearing?\nStan: Yeah.\nMarvin: I don't know where you got that, but it's fucking gay as fuck.\nStan: Cool. I, I won't wear it anymore.\nMarvin: That's a good idea. [looks back at the picture and smiles. Stan looks down and away]\nScene Description: Jewelry Bonanza with Dean. Onscreen is a pair of earrings selling for $2800.00\nDean: Folks, these are not your ordinary peridot craponite earrings, these are 18-karat gold! and we got-oh, do we have a buyer on the line? Hello?\nCaller 1: [long pause] What are you waiting for? Kill yourself.\nDean: Alright Goddamnit, we got another comedian. Ever since that little kid called up, now everybody wants to call and tell me I should kill myself.\nCaller 1: He was right. Do it.\nDean: Folks, this is an 800 number. Every time you call and tell me to kill myself, it's costing us... two dollars and thirty six cents! So now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry ? Yes. Hello, sir?\nCaller 2: You're too scared to do it, aren't-cha? You don't have the balls.\nDean: Goddamnit I'm not scared to do it.\nCaller 2: New, you're scared. You got, you got lady balls. [hangs up. The dial tone is heard and Dean moves on to the next call]\nCaller 3: Hello? I'm calling about the peridot earrings?\nDean: Yes ma'am!\nCaller 3: They'd look good on your dead body. Why don't you kill yourself?\nDean: Alright, that's that! That there's the- the straw that broke the camel's back! I got a gun right here; whattaya think about that?!\nCaller 3: Put it against your temple and pull the trigger. [long pause. The gun is cocked and then goes off. A thump is heard and blood lands all over the set. The soothing music plays on]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: CNN Conference Room. Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are standing behind their benches, debating. A loud applause is heard.\nMitt: I know the people are going to say, oh you should only practice it this way or that way.\nRick: I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everybody.\nNew: What he said, which I find mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama.\nRon: We faced something much much greater after World War II. [the camera pans to Stan, who is in the audience] We had ten million coming home at once. What did we do then? Some liberals said we need more work programs-\nStan: Tango, Tango, I'm in position.\nKyle: [offscreen] Copy, tango. Clear vantage point?\nStan: It will have to do. We're not getting closer.\nKyle: Alright, Butters. Bring it in.\nButters: [going through a hallway with a trolley] Equipment is flying in, ten seconds.\nKyle: Copy that. 10 seconds, Cartman.\nCartman: [in a wooden dark place with two wires on the ground] I can hear Kyle, just tell me when to go.\nScene Description: The conference room is shown again. The audience applauds as Stan looks around. The Secret Service agents are shown.\nAgent 1: We might have a problem.\nAgent 2: What's that?\nAgent 1: We just got word somebody might try to Faith Hill this event.\nAgent 2: Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody is Faith Hilling, not on my watch! [raises his fists and walks away. The stage is shown through Stan's angle. Three other agents step on the stage.]\nStan: I think they're onto us guys. Let's do this. [Butters takes a plate from the trolley, which has an iPhone on it, and walks to the left. Meanwhile Kenny comes from the opposite direction, taking the iPhone and passing it to Stan.] I got it.\nAgent 3: Hey, somebody is under the stage.\nKyle: Go Cartman! [Cartman runs up and comes on the stage. He cheerfully pulls his shirt out near the nipple area. Stan takes a picture. Four agents come up to chase Cartman.]\nScene Description: Outside the conference room. Butters, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run out.\nButter: We got it. We got it!\nStan: Go, go, go.\nCartman: Hehe hehe, that was sweet you guys. [The agents run after them.]\nScene Description: The news\nReporter: First, there was planking. [various images of people planking come up] People taking pictures of themselves in a planked position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling. [a picture of a boy with his knees drawn to his chest] And after the Super Bowl by Bradying. [New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as well as an overweight man, both sitting on the ground with their legs straight out, hands clasped and looking down] But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. [Cartman pulling out his shirt at the debate is shown, this time fullscreen] It's called Faith Hilling. And all around the world people are doing it. [A black boy pulling his red shirt, then a ginger boy with a cap doing the exact same thing with his grey-and-white sweatshirt] Kids, adults, and even notable celebrities are getting into the act. [L.A. Lakers player Kobe Bryant is shown pulling on his jersey. The news studio comes to view again.] But as Faith Hilling is more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first to die doing it?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys, along with the rest of the forth graders, are in a wooden room, being lectured by Professor Lamont.\nLamont: I have been sent here because you children are playing with fire! [the children are listening to him, Cartman has a bored look] Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of Bradying. From football quarterback to football singer.\nCartman: Oh, please. Bradying is so 2000 and late.\nLamont: [lowers the projector screen] I know you all think what you're doing is new and hip and cool. But the truth is memeing has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now, that's a little dated but I think it gets the point across. [turns the projector on to start the film]\nScene Description: Warbly muzak is heard, as the film, 'BLOODY SUNDAY: The Dangers of MEMEING', begins. A man with an old style hair is sitting in a classroom with a outdated TV and a poster for the computer club which has a picture of an old computer.\nSpeaker: For many young people today taking pictures in silly poses becomes a dangerous past time. The latest meme has also become the most deadly. It's called Tebowing [The caption TEBOWING appears in the middle of the screen].\nScene Description: Residential area. Two boys are walking towards a grassy area leading to the railroad tracks. One of the boys has an iPhone in his hands.\nSpeaker: [offscreen] This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn how dangerous Tebowing can be.\nRyan: Here is a good place. I'll do it right here.\nBarkley: I don't know, Ryan. You sure this is a good idea? [Ryan walks onto a railway]\nRyan: Stop being a scaredy-cat. It will just take a second. How could I get hurt? [kneels down and puts his right elbow on his right knee, closing his eyes as well as pinching his nose bridge]\nBarkley: Okay, hold still. [puts up his iPhone. A train horn is heard.] What's that?\nRyan: A traaain! AAAAAA! [Barkley and Ryan continue to scream and look around while staying in the same position. The train is still off in the distance.]\nBarkley: RYAN!\nRyan: No, no! Nooo!\nBarkley: AAAA!!!\nRyan: AAAA!!!No, no, no, no, noooo!\nBarkley: AAAA!!![The train finally comes at full force and hits Ryan, severing him in half and covering Barkley in blood.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters covers his face after seeing what just happened while the rest of the class is unfazed.\nButters: AAAA!!!\nScene Description: Residential area. Barkley, covered in blood, stands at the railroad tracks and looks down in horror at Ryan's severed body\nBarkley: RYAN!\nRyan: Learn from me.[dies]\nScene Description: Secluded area, nighttime. A young couple is sitting in a parked car.\nWoman 1: This sure is a nice car, Tommy. [raises her iPhone] Would you like to get a picture of me Tebowing in it?\nTommy: Sure. [gets the iPhone to take her picture. As the woman poses, the train's headlight appears in the distance and its horn is heard.] What is that?\nWoman 1: Oh my God! It's coming!\nTommy: God, no! [he exits the car while she continues Tebowing inside, revealing that they parked on the railroad track] Aahh! No, no!\nWoman 1: [scared] Tommy, d-did you get the picture?\nTommy: Oh no, wait! Hold on! [hurriedly presses on the iPhone, then gets ready to take the picture]\nWoman 1: Hurry, hurry!\nTommy: AAAAA! [attempts to take the picture as the train comes closer]\nWoman 1: AAAAA! [The train finally comes at full force and crushes the car as Tommy runs off. Her bloody, severed head then lands onto a dirt field next to the track and her mouth opens, letting out an audible scream] Aaah!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out in horror again while the rest of the class is still unfazed.\nButters: AAAA!!!\nScene Description: A man wearing a yellow and red-stripped jacket and round sunglasses is looking upward and talking to his friend while holding an iPhone.\nMan 1: Be careful up there, Pete.\nPete: [Tebowing on top of a wall with graffiti in a residential area] Just go on and take the picture. [the wall is suddenly destroyed by a train, killing Pete and knocking his friend down, before he quickly gets up and looks on in horror.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out and covers his face again. Cartman now looks bored, while the rest of the class is still unfazed.\nButters: AAAA!!!\nScene Description: The speaker in the old-fashioned classroom is shown.\nSpeaker: These youths paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace signs [puts his index and middle fingers up], bunny ears [raises his arm while keeping the previous gesture] and fake wiener [turns his body sideways, bends his left arm and leg] Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you. Maybe you think your memes are safe. Or maybe you're watching this in the future and Tebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well, if you are watching his in the future, [a blue screen comes to view while the following words of the speaker gets typed] get off your flying cellphone scooters and THINK. Just remember-\nScene Description: A photo of three teenagers from the 1980s standing outside under a tree is shown while the following lines are sung\nSingers: Use the approved poses if you want to be a memer. Peace signs! [A male teenager with a sweater and mustache puts his right middle and index fingers up in a V-shape] Bunny ears! [A female teenager smiles while putting her middle and index fingers in a V-shape behind the head of the previous male teenager] Fake wiener! [A male teenager wearing a neon colored windbreaker turns his body sideways and bends his left arm and leg]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The fourth graders come out, almost all having concerned looks on their faces. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters walk together.\nCartman: [yawns] Oh, God. That was boring.\nKenny: (Totally!)\nKyle: So, what do you want to do now?\nCartman: Well, there is the nice French café downtown. Maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there.\nStan: Oh, that's a good idea.\nButters: What?! You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hilling after what we just saw?\nCartman: Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation.\nButters: Well, count me out.\nKyle: You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you?\nButters: Well, I'm scared. [Craig shows up]\nCraig: Hey, did you see today's newspaper?\nCartman: Why would we look at a newspaper, retard?\nCraig: You guys made the front page.\nCartman: Really? [the boys excitedly run, except for Butters]\nScene Description: The boys run in a liquor store.\nStan: Dude, we are on the front page!\nCartman: Yes!\nKenny: (Yeah, dude!)\nStan: Can we get a different pose, please? [hands the clerk two dollars and gets the paper]\nCartman: What's it say, what's it say?\nStan: It says... Oh, oh no. It says Faith Hilling is now all like 2000-late.\nCartman: What? Let me see that. [the newspaper has Cartman's pictured and a headline 'Faith Hilling so 2,000 late']\nKyle: How can that be? Already?\nStan: [reads the newspaper] Public reaction was the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive but also completely passé.\nKyle: How can we be passé? We're only in 4th grade.\nStan: [continues reading] \"Faith Hilling is pretty stale,\" said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. \"If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting that would have been impressive.\"\nCartman: Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that?\nScene Description: Cartman's computer screen. Various people sitting on their bare butts with their hands down between their legs are shown. Cartman is in front of the computer, with Stan and Kyle on his both sides and Kenny behind him.\nStan: That's all it is? [Kenny moves to the left-hand side]\nCartman: You pull down your pants and wipe your butt on the ground like an old dog. [shows three other guys' pictures]\nKyle: But that's stupid. [Kenny moves to the right-hand side] How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense.\nCartman: I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage. [shows a couple of more pictures] This has to be stopped, you guys.\nScene Description: Outside Café Monet, day. A boy is Taylor Swifting in front of the café. Two girls and a boy watch him as the boy pictures him with his iPhone.\nBoy 1: [giggles] Okay. Hold it there. Okay. That's good, don't move. [the iPhone screen is shown as Cartman photobombs while Faith Hilling.]\nCartman: How is this Kyle? This good? [the boy moves away a bit. The other kids are stunned. The boys stand next to them, Kyle having an iPhone in his hands]\nKyle: Yep, that's great. [glances at the other kids]\nCartman: [continues moving as the other boy tries to get past him] Cool, these will be good uploads.\nBoy 2: Hey, what are you doing?\nCartman: Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here?\nBoy 1: Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012.\nStan: Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid ass wipe.\nBoy 2: [starts to crawl away] Come on guys. It's not worth it. We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else. [Cartman continues to cover his view] [to Cartman] Knock it off!\nCartman: Why don't you make me? [the boy punches him, Cartman responds by hitting him on the ground. Stan and Kyle begin to punch Boy 1 while Kenny attacks the girls.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in the wooden classroom again. Professor Lamont brings in a box, then pulls a gun out of it. He loads it with a bullet while the fourth graders bewilderingly watch him.\nLamont: Yesterday afternoon four kids went to the hospital for injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local cafe. [the boys glance at each other] Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting. These are things that will get you killed! [puts the gun on Butters' desk] That's a loaded .38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded .38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well, if safety doesn't matter to you go ahead, pick the gun up.\nButters: Oh, that's okay. I think...\nLamont: Pick the gun up! You might as well. Swifting and Hilling is like playing with a loaded gun! Do you all understand my point?\nKids: Yes, sir.\nLamont: Good. Now put the gun in your mouth.\nButters: HA?!\nLamont: Hey! You're following plankers and Tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT! [Butters hesitantly puts the gun in his mouth] Everybody take a good look. [points to Butters] This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes. YOU ARE PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR FUCKING LIVE! [A hawk is heard offscreen. Two men enter the classroom.]\nMan 2: Professor Lamont, we need to talk.\nLamont: I will be right back. [leaves the classroom]\nScene Description: The gym. The two men are seated at a table, pulling out files out of their briefcases.\nMan 2: You're an expert on memes, Professor Lamont.\nLamont: Yes, what is this about? [puts his bag on the table]\nMan 3: We need your expertise, sir.\nMan 2: Have you ever heard of another species, memeing on the Internet?\nLamont: Another species? What are you talking about?\nMan 3: We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand... [types on his laptop] this. [turns around the laptop. Professor Lamont puts on his reading glasses to look at the screen, which shows various cats with breads around their heads.] Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. Cat breading, it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought would you explain it to us.\nLamont: They're evolving. Cats are evolving. [moves the cursor down to see more pictures]\nMan 3: Sorry?\nLamont: There are two ways a species evolves. Physically from genes and culturally from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate and adapt.\nMan 2: We're having a hard time following you here.\nLamont: [opens a book] Look. In the 70s there was fonzing. [the book page has two people's pictures with their thumbs up] Which replaced the outdated mustaching. [a guy with his index finger above his lips] In the 60s cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle-fisting. [people raising their fists up to the sky] But even that evolved from people ass wedging in the 40s. [the Nazis doing their trademark salute] Even before photographs humans memed for portraits. All the way back to the Egyptians who had pictures painted of themselves donkey ticking. [an Ancient Egypt painting]\nMan 2: You are saying cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat breading meme?\nLamont: [walks to the front] If they're putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, [takes his glasses off] they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are. [dramatic music plays]\nScene Description: The wooden classroom. The only person left there is Butters, who still has the gun in his mouth. He looks around for a moment, then looks down to the gun again.\nScene Description: The Cartman house, day. Mr. Kitty is sleeping over her cat tree. The boys come in, Cartman has a laptop in his hands, which shows a picture of Mr. Kitty cat breading.\nCartman: Mr. Kitty, do you mind explaining this? [Mr. Kitty looks at him] You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet with bread around your face? This is a bad kitty. Bad! You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid. Bad kitty. [closes his laptop and approaches Mr. Kitty] Bad Mr. Kitty. [Cartman hits Mr. Kitty with a stick. Mr. Kitty hisses, then paws at him.] Bad kitty! No more memeing! [walks away] Come on, guys. [the boys walk out of the room. Cartman turns his back to scold his cat again] Bad Mr. Kitty!\nScene Description: The boys come out of Cartman's house.\nStan: Well, I'm glad we took care of that.\nKyle: Yeah, what do you guys wanna do now?\nCartman: I was thinking of maybe Faith Hilling at the place they do AA meeting.\nStan: That's a cool idea\nKenny: [sighs] (Oh, fuck it, dude.) [walks away]\nKyle: W-what's the matter, Kenny?\nKenny: (I don't know. That seems quite pointless.)\nStan: What seems pointless?\nKenny: (Hey, just accept Faith Hilling is out of style!)\nKyle: Hey! [the boys approach Kenny] Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright?\nKenny: (Well,... ...and I can't take any of that!)\nStan: No, no, no! These stupid fads are only that, okay? We can't give in to this crap.\nCartman: Don't give up on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her.\nScene Description: Breaking News.\nReporter: Two Boulder children died today while Oh Long Johnsoning in a battling cage. Oh Long Johnsonning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting oneself in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say \"Oh Long Johnson\" on video before getting out of the way.\nScene Description: A camera recording, showing a batting cage. A teenager comes in\nBoy 3: You ready, you ready?\nBoy 4: [offscreen] I'm recording, go.\nBoy 3: [the machine throws balls. The boy stands in front of them] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. O-Oh Long- [gets hit by a ball]\nBoy 4: Larry!\nReporter: This latest Internet meme is shocking. But most shocking of all is the person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat who seems to have no regard for people's safety.\nScene Description: A video of a black cat moaning.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.\nReporter: The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenager's death.\nScene Description: Café Monet, day. Stan crawls in, Taylor Swifting.\nStan: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.\nBoy 1: [his fellows are standing besides him. He has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way.\nStan: [continues to crawl around] Oh Long Johnson, Oh Long- [he is confronted by Stan, Kyle and Kenny]\nCartman: Dude, what's going on?\nStan: Oh, hey, guys. How's it going? [hurriedly puts his pants on]\nKyle: We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting?\nBoy 1: He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff.\nStan: Yeah, now you're doing to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out.\nCartman: Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name?\nKyle: Benedict Arnold. [the three boys walk away]\nStan: Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay? [the boys stop] You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back. [Kenny looks down]\nKyle: Kenny?\nKenny: [approaches Stan and the other boys] (I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?)\nBoy 1: If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home. [he and his friends walk away]\nStan: You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants. [Kenny pulls down his pants and starts crawling on his butt.]\nKyle: You guys are sellouts.\nCartman: [holds him] Come on, Kyle.\nKyl: You're freaking sellouts!\nCartman: It's okay, man, come on.\nScene Description: An interrogation room. The two men from the gym stand behind Professor Lamont.\nLamont: What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea when you play with memes you're playing with fire? [the black cat is kept in a cage]\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nLamont: Oh, very funny. People are dying out there. Is that what you want?\nCat: Oh Long Jeeea-\nLamont: You cats want a war? Because that's what you're going to get!\nCat: Oh oh oh.\nScene Description: A news reporter speaking.\nReporter 2: Long ago there was tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift-Johnsoning, may now also have its rival. [walks to a railway] A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trench coats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it \"reporting\". And safety officials say that it's dangerous and potentially fatal. [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. [gets hit by the train]\nScene Description: The wooden classroom, night. Butters is still sitting there with gun in his mouth, but now he's quite drowsy and barely keeps himself awake.\nScene Description: Cartman is Faith Hilling in front of a Planned Parenthood Clinic.\nKyle: [has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more. [Cartman raises his left hand a bit] Yeah, yeah freeze there. [a man comes into view with his little son]\nLittle Boy: What are those boys doing, daddy?\nDad: Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time.\nLittle Boy: How droll. [The man and boy leave the scene. Cartman and Kyle look down for a moment]\nCartman: Get a couple facing the other way, brah. [turns the other way]\nKyle: Yeah, good idea. [a doctor comes out of the clinic]\nDoctor: Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine. [giggles] Get it? [goes back to his clinic. A man with a car sounds his horn]\nMan 4: Go back to the 90s! Faggooots!\nKyle: [approaches Cartman] We have to face it, Cartman.\nCartman: I know. I know Kyle. [stops lifting his \"nipples\" up]\nKyle: I really thought it was gonna last.\nCartman: I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change. [starts crying] The sun hurts my eyes. [wipes away his tears]\nKyle: It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean-\nCartman: No, no. It was kind of stupid, really.\nKyle: I-It's good that it became something else.\nCartman: And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff. [both of them sigh]\nScene Description: Breaking News.\nReporter: Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms? In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people.\nScene Description: The interrogation room.\nAmbassador: Hello.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nAmbassador: Meow, meow.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nAmbassador: Long Johnson.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nAmbassador: Oh Long Johnson.\nCat: Oh- Oh Don Piano.\nAmbassador: Oh Don Piano.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nAmbassador: Oh Don Piaaano.\nCat: Oh Long Jon-Jon-Johnson.\nAmbassador: Oh Lala Lionde. Oh Long John- Don Piano. Don Piaaaano.\nScene Description: The ambassador comes out of the room. The two men and Professor Lamont is waiting him outside.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson. [the ambassador closes the door]\nAmbassador: I'm not sure but I think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped and cats will rise. It said we cannot coexist and then said oh don piaaano and then and then something about seeing the streets of human cities running red with the blood of their children.\nScene Description: An iPhone screen, camera app on. Cartman pulls up Mr. Kitty, who now has a bread around his head.\nStan: [has the iPhone in his hands, while Kyle and Kenny stand next to him] Okay, that's good, a little higher.\nCartman: [he is doing a combination of Taylor Swifting and Cat Breading] Okay, cool. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good?\nKyle: Yeah, that's awesome.\nStan: OK, whenever you're ready.\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No, kitty, you have to be quiet.\nMr. Kitty: Meow.\nCartman: No kitty! That's a bad kitty! [Boy 1 and his friends come over]\nBoy 1: Wow, what's this?\nKyle: What, you been living under a rock? This is the new meme, Cat Taylor Swift Reporting.\nStan: Alright, go Cartman.\nCartman: [begins to crawl while holding Mr. Kitty] Taylor Swift is dangerous. Taylor Swift is dangerous!\nGirl 1: That's pretty cool.\nStan: Yeah, that's cool. It's awesome.\nKyle: It's super awesome.\nCartman: Yeah, yeah, we got it down, you guys. Think we're ready for the big time.\nMr. Kitty: Meow, meow.\nCartman: SHUT UP, KITTY!\nScene Description: The conference room. A reporter is giving his speech.\nReporter 3: With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called putty-whistling. And the question on everyone's mind... Who will be the first person to die from it? [Rick, Mitt, Newt and the cat are standing behind their lecterns.]\nMitt: W-well, you know, I ran for president four years ago. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago...\nRick: If you wanna be an American the first thing you should do is respect-\nNewt: To ask a very simple question. How big of a scale of change do we want in Washington.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nNewt: I started working in the governor wing in 1974.\nCat: [Rick and Newt talk] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Piaano.\nNewt: I'm gonna say two things...\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nMitt: I have five sons, five daughters in law, sixteen grand kids, and they're the joy of my life.\nCat: Oh Lalalonde.\nNewt: I was wrong when I figured it out. You were wrong when you didn't.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nRick: It's, It's not the most attractive thing to go out there and say, look it took me ten or twelve years to figure out it was wrong-\nStan: [the debate goes on. The camera pans to Stan, again in the audience] Fox trot standing by at position alpha.\nKyle: Copy, Fox trot, let's fly in the goods Tango.\nScene Description: Kenny is in the bathroom. He pulls out Mr. Kitty from the toilet tank.\nKenny: (This is Tango. I have the goods.)\nStan: Standing by in three seconds.\nScene Description: Cartman is waiting behind a purple curtain.\nKyle: Two, one. Go Cartman!\nCartman: Let's do this. [he runs to the hallway, where Kenny hands him Mr. Kitty. He goes to the stage with Mr. Kitty, and pulls down his pants as Stan is ready to record him. He then stops, thinking.]\nKyle: Cartman? Go, Cartman.\nStan: Come on, dude. Hurry.\nCartman: [softly] No. NOO! [puts his pants back on] I won't do it. I won't do it, you hear me! I'm better than this. [puts down Mr. Kitty] And to hell with you, Mr. Kitty. You're a bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! It's time somebody stood up, and did the right thing. [he turns sideways and snaps his fingers a few times, then pulls up his shirt, Faith Hilling.]\nKyle: [observing him though a computer] Yeah. Do it, Cartman.\nCartman: [music begins to play] Alright, football night, what do you do? Get out your camera and a boobie or two.\nStan: Wow!\nCartman: We gotta get serious while we're in our prime.\nMan 5: Have you ever seen Faith Hilling so good?\nCartman: Come on everybody, It's Faith Hilling time. [the audience and Rick, Mitt and Newt join him] Dancin', rappin', titties flappin' where are you? This is the only memeing I'll ever do.\nCat: Oh Long Johnson.\nCartman: Is a meme I will fight [Stan is joined by Kyle and Kenny in the audience. Butters is in the wooden classroom dancing to the song, yet still has the gun in his mouth] 'Cause I'm Faith Hilling 'til the day that I die.\nReporter 3: And so in the face of war a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear. But it doesn't matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called pandering and all over the country people are- [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johns- [gets hit by the train]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Broflovski house, morning. Kyle, who has just woken up, comes out of his room yawning. He walks to the kitchen and begins to prepare cereal for himself.\nSheila: [talking to someone] Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner. [Kyle takes his bowl and heads to the dining table] Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise.[he walks past the living room, where Cartman and Sheila are shown talking]\nCartman: Wow, that's so cool. And so then Passover lasts seven days?\nSheila: Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday.\nCartman: Interesting, and why is it called Passover again? [Kyle stops and starts listening]\nSheila: Well, because in ancient Egypt, God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb. [Kyle rushes to the entrance]\nCartman: So interesting, wow. [he and Sheila are drinking tea]\nKyle: [to Cartman, angrily] Get out of here.\nCartman: Oh, hey, Kyle.\nKyle: Get. Outta here! [points his finger to the left]\nCartman: Well, I better be going. Thanks so much Ms. Broflovski, I learned a ton.\nSheila: Well, you're very welcome.\nKyle: [walks to him] What are you gonna do?\nCartman: Isn't it possible I just want to learn more about the Jewish faith?\nKyle: No?\nCartman: Alright, Kyle, listen. [comes forward with Kyle, then sighs] Legends tell of a horrific four legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just spotted in South Park.\nKyle: What does that have to do with Passover?\nCartman: All I can promise you is that this is going to be the most memorable Passover ever. [Cartman announces the special within the episode] \"Cartman's Passover Holiday Special\", starring, THE JEWPACABRA! [creepy music plays]\nScene Description: A large green park in a sunny day. People are decorating the park for Easter while children are on the line for Kids' Egg Hunt Signup\nAttendant: Alright, next please. Signing up for the Easter egg hunt? [Stan is in the front of the line]\nButters: [at the middle of the line] Hoh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun!\nCraig: Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday.\nKenny: (Me, too.)\nCartman: [anxious] Yeah, yeah, it should be a real blast, heh. I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all.\nCraig: Jewpa what?\nCartman: Jewpaca- look, it's nothing. Forget I said anything.\nCraig: Okay. [to Token and Kenny] So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts?\nCartman: Okay, look: A lot of people claim that on Passover, a blood sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. This year passover happens to be the same week as Easter.\nButters: You mean it's like, like a monster?\nCartman: It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things. Knocked over trash cans, weird howls...\nToken: Nuh-uh!\nCartman: [angrily points at him] Yeah-uh, Token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black!\nClyde: [offscreen] You guys, check this out! [Butters, Kenny, Craig and Token go there to take a look. On the ground lies a dead bird.]\nCartman: [keeps the boys away] Alright, alright, stay back. Stay back! It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell.\nButters: AAAAAAHHH! [scared as hell, flees]\nCartman: Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras. We gotta go out at night and try to get proof of this thing.\nKyle: Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies.\nCartman: I'm trying to protect people. And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence?\nKyle: I looked on the known species webpage. There's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere.\nCartman: Well, neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch.\nKyle: [sighs] If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid. Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you!\nScene Description: Butters in his bedroom, night. There is thunder and he is indeed scared a lot.\nButters: Lu lu lu, lu... N-no such thing as J-Jewpacabra. People made it up. [a loud peal of thunder] It's - that's okay. Even if there was a J-Jewpacabra it couldn't get in my r-room anyways.\nCartman: [standing on his bed with camera kit attached to him] Butters.\nButters: AAAAAHHH!\nCartman: Come on, Butters, you and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera.\nButters: No, it's a school night!\nCartman: Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? Zee-ro! [Butters stammers a bit] I can't do this alone, please. Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real.\nScene Description: A camera recording with a green filter. Butters and Cartman, both equipped as cameramen now, are hunting for a Jewpacabra in the forest. Their faces appear distorted in close-up shots.\nCartman: Look at these dense trees and brush. Oh yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in.\nButters: You think Jewpacabra is here?\nCartman: Pretty sure Jewpacabra was here.\nButters: Oh good. Maybe we scared it off?\nCartman: You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters. Don't forget we're dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ. [a rustle comes through the bush] Did you hear that? I'm going to try a Jewpacabra mating call now. NO CHRIST! NO CHRIST! I'M REALLY NOT BUYING THIS WHOLE CHRIST THING! [to Butters] He's here somewhere.\nButters: Oh God, I'm scared.\nCartman: JESUS IS A LIE!\nButters: Eric, stop it!\nCartman: Shh! Help me call it out, Butters.\nButters: I'm not saying Jesus is a lie!\nCartman: Butters, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?! [Butters thinks] THERE IS NO CHRIST!\nButters: Jesus is a lie?\nCartman: No way Jesus was son of God, huh, Butters?\nButters: Nope. I don't think... Christ has any basis in reality.\nCartman: Sh! You hear that?\nButters: Oh, hamburgers.\nScene Description: Sooper Foods, day. The president is speaking to someone while three of his employees stand behind him.\nPresident: We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun and safe. We are not canceling our Easter Egg hunt because of some wild story!\nCartman: I didn't think you would believe me. And that why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video. [connects his video camera to the TV] What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra. [moves away a bit] And you're the first to see it. [the video shot of Butters and Cartman from last night is played on the TV] This is just after 8 p.m. First we heard rustling in the bushes. Then a strange, animal-like scurrying sound. That's when we saw, this. [pauses] 'Kay wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... wait for it... wait for... [an abrupt rustle] right there! Did you see the Jewpacabra? I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing. Watch again. [plays that moment again] Wait for it... wait... there! [pauses to show the motion blurred animal that moves between bushes] Jewpacabra. There's a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us.\nEmployee 1: That wasn't a dog?\nCartman: It was no dog. I was there, I'm telling you this thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins.\nEmployee 2: What?\nCartman: I can try to catch it, but I'm going to need all the resources you've got. If this thing isn't contained, your Easter Egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath. [the president walks to the window. Employee 1 follows him]\nEmployee 1: Mr. Billings?\nMr. Billings: [sighs] There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: Fun and safety. What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this 'Jewpacabra' is real?\nPeters: I'm estimating somewhere around .000000001%.\nMr. Billings: [deep sigh] We can't afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs.\nScene Description: Three helicopters of Sooper Foods are flying. Cartman, Mr. Billings and the third employee from the previous scene are in one of them. Cartman has a map in his hands.\nMr. Billings: So where are we heading first?\nCartman: We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas, here. [points on the map]\nMr. Billings: The Bahamas?\nCartman: That's right. There's a resort near there called 'The Atlantis Hotel and Casino'. They have a water slide there that goes through a shark tank.\nScene Description: Cartman is slinding through a temple-shaped water slide, going through a shark tank.\nCartman: Weeeeeee! Oh yes! Oolll! Check it out! Heheyeahehe! [drops in a pool, then comes out]\nScene Description: The three helicopters are heading for somewhere else. Cartman has a towel around his neck and is drying himself with a handkerchief as well as holding the map.\nMr. Billings: Where to now?\nCartman: Now we head back to Colorado, here. [points on the map] We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into the hands of professionals who can analyze it.\nScene Description: Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Cartman leads Mr. Billings and his two employees to the building but is confronted by a pissed off Kyle.\nKyle: Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth!\nCartman: People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there. I've explored the depths of Atlantis, and now I'm about to prove a new species exists. I'm a little James Cameron.\nKyle: These people aren't going to prove anything. To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid.\nCartman: These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid!\nScene Description: Four dumb looking cryptozoologists are examining Cartman's video in their laboratory\nMatt: Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right. [highlights the blurred image of the supposed Jewpacabra]\nCliff: It can't be human it's too low to the ground. What do you think, Bobo?\nBobo: Bobo thinks scary!\nMatt: It's definitely something. I'm thinking a Sasquatch.\nCliff: It's not big enough to be a Squatch.\nMatt: So it's a baby Squatch?\nCliff: That's what I'm thinking.\nCartman: I've already done my research boys. What you're looking at there is a Jewpacabra.\nMatt: Jewpacabra?\nCartman: It's like a Sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy.\nBobo: Oh, Jewpacabra, that sounds scary!\nCliff: But it makes total sense. If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch, Jewpacabra is all we really have left.\nCartman: Well, I guess that's it. You're going to have to only allow me into the Easter Egg hunt, sir. I'm the only one qualified.\nMr. Billings: All the kids will be so disappointed.\nBobo: Whoa, look at this! I just did the heatie thermal thingie to the video! It's all orangie! [the image of Jewpacabra is colored in orange]\nCliff: But it's supposed to be all yellow-y. My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra!\nCartman: Heh. What do you mean? [he is stunned]\nCliff: We've never seen this before! It really is true!\nCartman: Well, I mean it could have just been a dog?\nMatt: No it's impossible. Look at the zoomy in. If I drop image of a dog next to it... [drops an cut-out image of a dog] That thing is way to big to be a dog. And check out the thermals coming off of it.\nBobo: That's the thermals. They make a proof and the thermals!\nMatt: That's right, Bobo. Whatever this thing is it's mean and angry as hell.\nCartman: Well, come on guys, it's probably a Jewpacabra but this isn't definitive.\nMatt: I'll tell you one thing, kid, you're pretty brave.\nCartman: Why?\nCliff: 'Cause you took the video of this thing. It's not gonna like that.\nMatt: If it is a Jewpacabra, he's gonna be coming after you. [Cartman is scared a lot. Creepy music plays]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He is in his bed, frightened a lot, mimicing Butters' scene.\nCartman: There's... no way. No way Jewpacabra is real. [loud thunder] Those, those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about. They just... they just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies that's all... Eh, eaah. [quickly makes a call with his cellphone] Hey. Jewpacabra can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real? [Kyle is listening to him in his bed with his eyes half-closed] I mean, it's impossible that something I made up could turn out to actually exist, huh, Kyle?\nKyle: What are you doing?\nCartman: Okay, okay. Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How could it know that? It couldn't know that, right? Kyle? [Kyle hangs up and goes back to sleep. His phone rings again, causing him so throw it to the wall.]\nScene Description: South Park Church, night. The church is decorated for Easter. Cartman is alone there, sitting on one of the pews. He is singing with a shaky voice as well as holding a rosary.\nCartman: Jesus loves me this I know 'Cause Republicans tell me so Little ones God will protect 'Cause letting kids be harmed is child neglect [speaks on his radio] Everything still clear out there?\nScene Description: Butters, Craig and Token are guarding the church. They have a shotgun, a bat and a flashlight respectively.\nCartman: [voice only] Guys?!\nButters: It's all quiet out front, Eric.\nCartman: Well, check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes!\nButters: He says he's not payin' us to scratch our buttholes. [a boom breaks out. The three boys take to their heels, screaming]\nCartman: [in the church] What? What was that? Butters? Token?! [the door is forced] Oh Jesus Christ! You guys?! Aghgh! [quickly hides between the candle stands] You guys?! GUYS!\nButters: [though the radio] Hey, Eric.\nCartman: It's trying to get in! Where the hell are you guys?\nButters: Well, we got scared so we're next door at Wingstreet. [he is definitely at Wingstreet, and Craig and Token are buying some meal]\nCartman: Wingstreet?!\nButters: Yeah, well it was the closest place to hide.\nCartman: Dude, I want wings! [there is some knocking on another door] Ahghgh!!! [it turns out to be Mr. Billings and his two employees.] Oh Jesus, it's only you!\nMr. Billings: Alright, grab him.\nCartman: HUH?!\nEmployee 3: You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter, and now it's looking for you. [the two employees take him away]\nScene Description: Cartman, in his Easter bunny costume, is chained to a rock in the park, holding a basket.\nCartman: Get me outta here! PLEASE! HEELP!\nMr. Billings: Look, we're sorry. But if it's you that Jewpacabra wants, we don't have a choice.\nCartman: OH GOD, IT'S GONNA KILL ME! [Employee 3 brushes his face with the blood of a chicken which is in the bucket he holds] What the-?\nMr. Billings: Just a little blood to try and draw it out. We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow. Our entire business is based on fun and safety.\nCartman: This isn't safe or fun!\nMr. Billing: Maybe it won't even show up. Maybe we'll all make it out of this okay? [a howl is heard] Oh fuck, we better get out of here. [Mr. Billings and his employees flee away]\nCartman: NO! COME BACK! Come back please, this isn't right!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The doorbell rings, Kyle gets the door. It it Mr. Billings and his employees.\nMr. Billings: Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company. [Kyle just looks] But... if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat. Thank you. [the three walk away. Kyle looks behind them]\nScene Description: It is surely cold out there and snowing. Cartman is despairingly weeping and collecting the Easter eggs he can find. Kyle shows up, Cartman notices.\nCartman: [smiles] Kyle! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks at him with his eyes half-closed] I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance.\nKyle: Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go.\nCartman: Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra. Now, please, Kyle, it's Easter Eve! And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heap of trouble! [Kyle frowns and walks away] No Kyle! No, wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please I'll give you money! I have lots of money! [softly] Oh God, what am I doing? [shouts] I mean, I mean, I don't have any money! I'm totally broke! [softly] Oh God, I am in a heap of trouble.\nScene Description: It's fullmoon and the snow has stopped. Cartman is still in the park, now sitting on the ground.\nCartman: It's so cool that even though I'm Christian I celebrate Passover too! Yup. I think both holidays are awesome. [he is peeked by a pair of red slanted eyes with a snoring effect.] I really sympathize with those Jews in Ancient Egypt! I really do! [the pair of eyes turn out to be binoculars used by Bobo.]\nCliff: What'dya think, Bobo?\nBobo: No doubt about it! It's a three foot tall bunny-man!\nMatt: I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleotardic times! Shoot it Bobo!\nBobo: Bobo shoot it! [he comes forward to aim, Cartman notices]\nCartman: Bobo?! Bobo, no! [Bobo fires a dart] Wha- [falls over]\nBobo: [dances cheerfully] Bobo got it! Bobo got the bunnymaaan!\nMatt: Good shot, Bobo!\nCliff: Now what do we do?\nMatt: I know. Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet.\nCliff: Good idea. [they start walking] Wait wait wait wait. We're gonna need to take the evidence.\nBobo: Alright. [takes the dart gun] I got the evidence right here. The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with.\nMatt: Alright! Come on, let's go!\nCartman: [seems to be having a dream] Ugh... what... where...\nScene Description: Cartman is shown in Ancient Egypt, dressed as a prince. A huge fly lands in front of him. He turns out to be in the middle of the biblical plagues.\nCartman: Ugh... what? [stands up] What's going on?\nMan 1: The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!\nScene Description: It starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away\nCartman: It's raining frogggggsss! [finds Kyle, who is clinbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?\nKyle: [bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes. It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.\nCartman: So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.\nKyle: That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!\nCartman: Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.\nKyle: It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!\nCartman: What does that mean?\nKyle: It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.\nCartman: Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?\nKyle: That's just how God is.\nCartman: You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick! [Kyle gets angry]\nScene Description: The Pharaoh is sitting in his balcony, seemingly in deep thought. Cartman approaches, then sits next to him.\nCartman: Daaad, when's it gonna stop raining frogs?\nPharaoh: It'll be okay, my son. The weather will clear.\nCartman: But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff because you won't let all the Jews leave.\nPharaoh: [sighs] It's a complicated political issue, my son. An economic social issue that needs time. We can't let them leave, but is it really all that different from when the north didn't let the confederate states leave the USA?\nCartman: Wow, that makes sense. Don't think anyone can deny that. [a bloody frog lands over the edge]\nPharaoh: Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them.\nCartman: But dad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys.\nPharaoh: Hah, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one. No matter what happens, we can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God. We believe in a just Lord who would never murder innocent children.\nCartman: I love you, dad.\nPharaoh: And I love you son. And our love grows.\nCartman: And our love grows\nBoth: And our love grows Like the mighty river of the Nileriver of the Nile See it flow We'll never be apart\nCartman: Have no fear, for God is near And God loves all his children [he pats a lamb, but it is taken away by Gerald] Huh? [Sheila slices the lamb's head] Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why? What are you doing?\nKyle: This is what God told us to do!\nCartman: No, Kyle! I don't believe you!\nKyle: You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]\nCartman: Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]\nKid 1: What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]\nCartman: Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child]\nChild: Mom! Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]\nCartman: Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]\nMan 2: [holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?!\nCartman: No! The bread's all flat! No! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Aaaaahhhh! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]\nPharaoh: Son! We were wrong! I WAS WRONG!\nCartman: We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Doooo...! [his head explodes, and the Pharaoh crys in despair]\nScene Description: Cartman is shown in reality again. He is in the park, unconscious.\nCartman: [sleeptalking] No! No! The bread is all flat! No!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is uncomfortable in his bed. He ultimately gets up and heads to the park with a blanket and bolt cutters. He frowns when he finds Cartman who is shaking and slowly saying to himself \"Nooo... Nooo...\". He puts the blanket on him and breaks the chains with the bolt cutters. He takes Cartman to his house, putting him in his bed and taking his shoes off. Touching music plays during these events.\nScene Description: South Park Easter Egg Hunt, morning. The audience applauds while Mr. Billings is giving his speech\nMr. Billings: There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: Fun and Safety. On this beautiful Easter morning, we are thrilled to give back to he people of South Park who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number... [looks on his paper] 4 in fun and number 6 in safety. Let the hunt begin. [The woman employee cuts the ribbon to allow chilren to the hunt. They excitedly run all over the place looking for eggs. Some of them attack and fight each other.]\nCartman: [offscreen] I'm alive! [everyone stops. Cartman runs in, gasping for air.] I'm alive, you guys. [holds a blond girl though her shoulders] I don't know how, but I'm alive! [lets go and keeps running] Can you believe it? It's a miracle. [runs to the stage] Listen everybody, last night I almost died. But then a Passover miracle happened. The Jewpacabra passed me over, and by the power of Jehovah, I somehow woke up safely in my bed. I learned a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ.\nButters: [angrily] Oh, stop trying to ruin Easter, you... You heathen! [the crowd agrees, then resumes their hunting]\nCartman: Hey guys, listen! [Nobody cares. He finds Kyle standing there, approaches him, and lets out a deep sigh.] I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Knowing your religion is right but being laughed at by everyone else. It's so hard for us Jews. But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe.\nKyle: Yeah.\nCartman: I-I know what you're thinking Kyle. But I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying.\nKyle: [puts his arm around him and smiles] I know, you're not.\nCartman: Kewl, thanks Kyle. Oh, and Kyle, happy Passover.\nKyle: [flatly] Happy Passover, Cartman. [the camera moves up to the sun, which now has a Star of David at the center of it.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. Five boys are seated at a table: Cartman and Kyle on one side; Craig, Kenny, and Stan on the other. There's room for a third boy next to Kyle\nCartman: Nonono, I'm tellin' you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes, and singin' songs about their vajayjays. Used to be chicks sang about their relationships; now it's all \"my vajayjay this, my vajayjay that.\" But clearly that's what sells. Think about it. When was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar singing about her vajayjay? [the boys ignore him and continue eating] See? You can't remember.\nButters: [walks in with a black right eye] Heh, h-hey fellas. [takes the remaining spot. Stan, Kenny, and Craig look at each other.]\nKyle: Where's your lunch, Butters?\nButters: OH. [looks around nervously] Uh, it's okay. Um I'm not hungry anyways.\nStan: Dude, did a bully take your lunch money again?\nButters: ...Yeah. [looks down at the table]\nStan: That's the third day in a row. You gotta tell the teacher.\nButters: Naw, I'm not a tattle-tale.\nStan: Well then write the principal an anonymous letter.\nButters: Naw, I'm not no Anonymous Andy.\nCraig: So then just get a bigger bully to beat the bully up.\nButters: Naw, I don't want kids calling me a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin.\nCartman: He has a point.\nKyle: Well, then you gotta ride it out, Butters.\nCraig: Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but it'll pass.\nStan: I can't believe what I'm hearing! [three girls walking by hear this and stop] This is why bullying is getting worse and worse at out schools! We can't all sit by and let it happen anymore!\nRed: Good for you, Stan, nice somebody in this school has some balls.\nCartman: I have balls.\nRed: Yeah, little squishy boba-tea balls.\nCartman: Still balls.\nKyle: Look Butters, why don't you just talk to your family about it? You said your Grandma's visiting this week. Why don't you try talking to her?\nButters: My Grandma?\nScene Description: The Stotch house, living room, day. Stephen and Linda are talking to a sweet-looking elderly woman. Linda and the woman sit at the sofa while Stephen stands behind Linda\nGrammy: Well, so then your cousin Albert, Linda, actually has two girls now. One is three and the other's about little Butters' age, I think.\nStephen: Well, speak of the devil.\nLinda: Butters, what happened to your eye?\nButters: Grandma, ca-can I talk to you for a second?\nGrammy: Well sure, you come and sit right here next to Grammy.\nButters: Could I maybe talk to Grammy alone?\nStephen: Well, sure, I guess. We'll go make some tea.\nGrammy: Oh some tea would be lovely. [Stephen and Linda leave. Instantly Grammy's sweet demeanor vanishes. She raises her left fist and punches Butters on his bruised right eye. Now we know who the bully is.] What's up? [punches him again] Huh? You think you're [punch] tough, huh?\nButters: I just... [holds his hands up in self-defense] don't want you to pick on me no more, Grandma.\nGrammy: Think you're fuckin' tough, huh? [punches him again] You don't look fuckin' tough.\nButters: Um, I don't think I'm tough... grandma.\nGrammy: No, you're a little faggot! [grabs him by the collar] You got any more money? Huh?\nButters: No, you took it all!\nGrammy: [holds her fist up at him] Why don't you do something about it?! [punches him again] Do somethin', you little bitch! You're Grandma's bitch!\nLinda: Here we go. [brings in the tea and sets it on the coffee table. Stephen brings in some lemon bars and does the same]\nGrammy: [once again, sweet and kind] Oh, there's the tea. Tea for me. How lucky.\nLinda: And your favorite lemon bars.\nGrammy: Goodness, what a treat this is.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Mackey's office. A man pays him a visit\nBucky Bailey: Mr. Mackey, what is happening here at your school is no different from what is happening all over the country. Bullying has become an epidemic, I'm afraid, and we at Bully Buckers ™ are trying to stamp it out. What is your school's policy on bullying?\nMr. Mackey: Oh, well uh w-we think that bullyin' is... is, is bad... m'kay, and uh, and when we see bullying in the school, we tell the students, you know, that... uh that that's bad. m'kay?\nBucky Bailey: Aha, well one of your students told us he thinks bullying at your school is getting worse.\nMr. Mackey: Uh who said?\nBucky Bailey: He didn't want that disclosed.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, he's a little Anonymous Andy?\nBucky Bailey: We would like to have an anti-bullying assembly with your students this afternoon.\nMr. Mackey: Uhokay, but uh, today's actually bad. Uh I already have an assembly today on positive thinking.\nBucky Bailey: You believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools right now? What's wrong with you?!\nMr. Mackey: Wull I mean it kind of wo-uhuh works out.\nBucky Bailey: No, shut up! What kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign?! Bullying needs to be stopped! Now! This afternoon!\nMr. Mackey: Wah-eh jus- will we he-?\nBucky Bailey: Wuhhh duhhh. You may only have an Internet degree, but why don't you start acting like you're a school counselor and not an uninformed backwards little dork! M'kay?! [the Bully Buckers founder leaves the office and walks towards the hall. Moments later Mr. Mackey walks out of the office crying. He walks to the mic and turns it on]\nMr. Mackey: [barely holding back emotion] Attention students: today we will have an... assembly... on the subject of... bullying. M'kay? [on the hallway several students stand around listening to the announcement] The assembly is mandatory. M'kay? You'd better show up. 'Kay?\nScene Description: The hallway. Red approaches Butters.\nRed: Butters? Your grandma's looking for you.\nButters: [quickly slams his locker door shut] My grandma??\nRed: She said to meet her outside behind the school.\nButters: Oh hamburgers! [runs off to the closest restroom, runs in and closes the door]\nGrammy: [sitting back against the sinks] Hey twerp! [Butters notices her] You went and narc'd on me!\nButters: [startled at first] HA! OH. Ah. Hi Grandma.\nGrammy: [walks to the bathroom door with a menacing swagger, locks it, then walks back] I heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor! Thought I wouldn't find out, you little narc?!\nButters: Well I didn't narc, Grandma. It wasn't me.\nGrammy: [walks towards the urinal] Oh look, what's this over here? [picks up the urinal cake] Ohoh, it's a narc puck. This is what narcs have to put in their mouths. Awww, it's got piss all over it. [picks Butters up by the collar and attempts to put the cake into his mouth]\nButters: Nno Grandma, knock it off! No! Stop it! [he holds her off]\nGrammy: Put it in your mouth! Put it in your fuckin' mouth! [someone begins to pull on the bathroom door. Grammy releases Butters and opens the door. Mr. Adler is standing outside] Ohhh hellow.\nMr. Adler: Oh, sorry. Uh, this door isn't supposed to be locked.\nGrammy: I'm sorry, Uh I needed the restroom and my grandson brought me to this one. Isn't that right, Butters?\nButters: [looks at the floor] Yes...\nMr. Adler: Butters you goofball. I'll show you to the girls' room, ma'am.\nGrammy: Oh thank you so much. [walks out after Mr. Adler, but just as Butters is about to close the door she spins around and confronts him once more] You narc again and you're fuckin' dead! Fuckin' dead, you got it?!\nMr. Adler: This way.\nGrammy: Oop, uh coming. [closes the door, leaving Butters to his thoughts.]\nScene Description: The school assembly that afternoon. Every student is in place.\nBucky Bailey: What makes a bully? [stands next to an image of his company's logo: Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™] The truth is there are more bullies at your school than you even think. And the student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself. Come on out, Lorraine. [Lorraine comes out. Her hair is disheveled and her pants go up way too high.] I asked your school mate Lorraine here to help me out. [genuflects] Are you bullied in the school, Lorraine?\nLorraine: ...d'Yes.\nBucky Bailey: Kids pick on you, call you names?\nLorraine: ...Sometimes.\nBucky Bailey: What kind of things do they say to you?\nLorraine: ...Ugly ...neh-nerd.\nBucky Bailey: Do they say \"Nice pants. Why do you wear them up to your tits?\"?\nLorraine: [long pause] No...\nBucky Bailey: [stands up] Bullying affects everyone. And only if the entire school is united against it can bullying ever be stopped. [to Lorraine] Go, go, get out of here. [she leaves] Now what we at Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters ™ like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video. So who would like to be the young student director in charge of our video? [long pause. No one volunteers] We just need one student to be the leader of our anti-bullying campaign. [still no takers] What? Are you all chicken? [begins to act like a chicken] Nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bullying video? [acts like a chicken, then like a crying baby rubbing his eyes, then back to acting like a chicken.]\nStan: I'll do it! I'll be in charge.\nBucky Bailey: Ooooo, you're a big man?! You wanna show what a big man you are?!\nStan: No, I just... I think bullying has gotten out of hand. And it needs to be stopped.\nRed: Good for you, Stan. [kids begin to clap for him. Kyle has a suspicious look.]\nRiley: He's cool.\nScene Description: \"THE STUDENTS OF SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY PRESENT Stop Bullying. WRITTEN BY STAN MARSH. MUSIC BY STAN MARSH. TITLE SONG SUNG BY STAN MARSH. DIRECTED BY STAN MARSH.\"\nClyde: You wanna know who I hate?! I hate that kid Butters! He's a dork!\nJimmy: Yeh. Let's go bi- pick on him! Yeh! [Stan comes in from screen right]\nStan: Hey guys, guys! Don't pick on Butters! That's not cool. You can't do that. Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh, [takes Clyde and Red and turns them around] over 200,000 students every day are afraid to come to school because of bullying? [guides them back into the school] At South Park Elementary we're better than that. Come on. Let's all put an end to bullying. Right now! Five Six Seven Eight!\nThe Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan leads the song. He backs up into the lobby and then into the cafeteria] Bullying isn't cool. Bullying is lame. Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name. For a healthy world, bullying's unfit. And I think I know what we should do to i-it. Do do do do do to i-it. [Clyde takes over and backs up to the gym doors] Let's all get together and make bullying kill itself. Bullying's an ugly thing [Wendy takes over in the gym and backs up though two rows of kids tossing basketballs at eat other] Lets shove its face in the dirt and make bullying kill itself. [Token takes over and backs up to some stairs, where the Goth kids are sitting] Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.\nCartman: [tarted up, takes over and backs up the stairs] Boy you like my body. Set the mood, let's play! You can touch me anywhere except for my vajayjay.\nThe Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan takes over at the landing between floors and backs up down the hallway and into the library] We can make it stop. We can stomp it out. We can beat its ass until it starts to cry. Let's gang up on it and tell it it smells And beat its ass worse if it ever te-lls. If if if it ever te-lls. [Craig takes over in the library, walks forward, and backs up down the hallway through two rows of cheerleaders and some balloons dropping from the ceiling] Lets all join together to try to make bullying kill itself. It'll be fun to see just how bad we can make it feel and make bullying kill itself. [Timmy takes over and backs up towards a corner] Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.\nCartman: [takes over at the corner and backs up, pointing at his own crotch] My heart says ye-es (ye-es ye-es) but my vajayjay says no-o [Some doors open and a naked Butters is showcased in a steel-framed clear box, being carried out by two sixth graders. The lights go out and special effects appear - neon paint on the kids' faces and a blue glow through the doors. Butters takes over.]\nButters: Trapped inside the darkness of my mind. I try to break free. The words are so unkind.\nJason: Stupid! (stupid stupid)\nPete: Ugly! (ugly ugly ugly ugly)\nKyle: Pansy.\nOlder girl: Dork!\nButters: Can I, can I not do this, please? [the video stops and the hallway lights come on] I don't wanna do this.\nStan: Aw Butters, you ruined it. This is all one big long shot and you ruined it.\nButters: Mm, but this is just gonna make things worse for me.\nStan: Butters, you're the star of the video!\nKyle: He doesn't wanna do it, dude.\nStan: Well come on, do you just wanna be bullied your whole life, Butters? [Kyle walks off in a huff] Kyle?\nScene Description: In front of the school. Kyle walks out and away. Stan runs out after him\nStan: Kyle? Kyle, dude, where are you going?!\nKyle: [stops, then turns around] Why are you doing this, Stan?\nStan: To stop bullying.\nKyle: You're gonna stop bullying.\nStan: YES.\nKyle: With Cartman singing about his vagina.\nStan: ...It's about awareness dude. Don't you understand how important this is? Bullying? Do you realize that in America, hohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school every day because of-\nKyle: Don't, don't act for me, Stan! Really?! Because every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you!\nStan: Kyle, I'm trying to make a difference!\nKyle: Okay. Just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego. [turns around and hurries away]\nStan: What the hell does that mean?\nScene Description: Butters' house, evening. The family is having dinner at the table\nGrammy: Oh heavens to Betsy, Linda. This is such a yummy yummy ham. I just love your cooking. [takes her fork under the table and jabs Butters with it. He winces in pain.]\nStephen: Our Linda certainly knows her way around a pork. [Butters winces again] What's the matter, Butters?\nButters: Nnothin' Dad. Jjust a little gassy. [Grammy jabs him again, and he winces in pain]\nStephen: Oh. Well don't fart on Grandma. She's tryin' to enjoy her ham.\nButters: Okay Dad, I won-aaaaah! Gaaaah-ow. [the doorbell rings]\nStephen: I'll get it. [rises and walks away]\nGrammy: [notices something] Linda, is that a new clock on the wall?\nLinda: [looks at the clock] Oh yes. Stephen and I got that last month. It's from Germany, I believe. [while Linda talks, Grammy picks her boogers and smears them on Butters' mashed potatoes] I just love the cute little canary on the dial. And, every hour it chimes. [turns back to Grandma as Stephen brings Butters' friends over.]\nStephen: Your friends wanted to see you, Butters.\nStan: Dude, Butters! We have awesome news! A Hollywood movie company is gonna buy our bullying video!\nGrammy: Oh, an anti-bullying video? How adorable. [jabs him harder with the fork, and he screams in pain]\nStan: Yeah, and Butters is the star! The movie company wants to do a photo shoot with him so we can make movie posters!\nButters: HAAAAA! [pounds the table fiercely to relieve the pain from Grammy's fork]\nStan: I know, right?! [Stan, Cartman, and Kenny all imitate Butters' pain]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks in to a hero's welcome. Cheers greet him as he walks down the hall towards the boys' restroom. He walks in and noticed Mr. Bailey waiting for him with arms crossed.\nBucky Bailey: Whassup?! [walks to the bathroom door and locks it]\nStan: Oh, hey.\nBucky Bailey: You went and made a video and sold it without lettin' me know.\nStan: Huh?\nBucky Bailey: Doin' a video was my idea! It's the property of Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™, you got that?! [crosses his arms again]\nStan: But I worked hard on that! It's, it's been really stressful and I-\nBucky Bailey: Oh, it's been stwessful?! [gets in his face] What's wrong with you?! Kids are getting bullied at school and with this money, Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™ can finally become the legit organization it deserves to be! You greedy, selfish, little PRICK! [Stan lowers his head in shame] Oh what? You gonna cwy?\nStan: No.\nBucky Bailey: No, go ahead, cwy. Let me see ya. [rubs his eyes as if he's the one crying] Let me see you cwy. [Stan begins to cry]\nStan: [Stan Sobbing.]\nScene Description: Butters' house, night, Butters' room. He's pacing back and forth\nButters: [having a conversation with himself] We don't have a choice, Butters. You have to defend yourself! [switch] Oh, but violence is never the answer. [switch] But she's gonna kill you, Butters! You know she is! [switch] You're right, Butters! I don't have a choice! [goes into his closet and pulls out a box] Sorry, Grandma, but you brought this on yourself! [unpacks his Professor Chaos costume and puts it on] It's time you met... Chaos! [he bursts into the hallway] I've been pushed around for the last time! [runs to the guest bedroom, where Grammy is staying] Now I'm coming! And heck's coming with me! [bursts into Grammy's room, but is suddenly surprised at what he sees - Grammy in a supervillain outfit]\nGrammy: Oh, look, it's Captain Pussy! [Professor Chaos is frozen in place] You can't stop me, Captain Pussy! Don't even try!\nProfessor Chaos: Grandma? but how di-\nGrammy: I got inspired when I came across your gay little costume in your closet. [changes mood] Now come on, Captain Pussy! Time for you to get your Gummi bears!\nProfessor Chaos: No! Grandma please, nnnot Gummi bears!\nGrammy: Come 'ere! [rushes towards him]\nProfessor Chaos: Ahh! Grandma! [backs into a corner next to a small table. Grammy knocks the table over and pins Chaos against the wall]\nGramm: Stand up for yourself! Fight back! Be a fucking man!\nProfessor Chaos: I can't.\nGrammy: Then it looks like you get... Gummi bears! [reaches into her mouth and pulls out her dentures] Gummy bears! [begins to gnaw at his left arm with her gums]\nProfessor Chaos: Awww! Eewww!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Bailey walks down the hallway to the boys' room. He goes inside and is surprised\nNick Jabs: [waiting with arms crossed] What's up? I'm Nick Jabs, president of the movie company that bought the bully video. [goes to lock the door]\nBailey: Oh what? Stan Marsh got you to come talk to me?! That little cliché conflict resolution Kevin!\nJabs: [advancing, making Bailey back up] The video was conceived, written, and directed by the South Park student body, you got that?!\nBailey: It was my idea. I told the students to make the video and I-and I produced the entire thing! I deserve to have my name on it!\nJabs: Yeah, only problem is America doesn't give a SHIT about an old fart with a Captain Kangaroo haircut! They wanna believe kids did something on their own. [hands him a sealed envelope] Here's a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. If you ever claim any authorship of the video again, we will sue you for everything you have!\nBailey: But... but this was gonna be the thing that finally made Bully Buckers ™ a national organization.\nJabs: Oh, you gonna cwy?! Oh don't cwy, you'll wook bad wif your wittle Captain Kangawoo haircut! [Mr. Bailey goes to the bathroom door, unlocks it, and walks out sobbing]\nScene Description: The hallway, around the same time. Cartman and Kenny are handing out posters and putting them on lockers. Kenny is positioning one of them on a locker as Kyle walks up to them\nCartman: 'Kay kewl, hold it right there. Kewl. [nearby, Craig and Clyde take notice]\nKyle: Excuse me, what are you doing to my locker?\nCartman: We're putting up movie posters, Kyle! The premiere is tomorrow! But since you walked out on the video, you don't get to come! [blows a raspberry at him]\nKyle: I don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere! [walks away] And don't tape that to my locker! [walks into the boys' room and sees Stan waiting by the sink with arms crossed] Oh God. [Stan goes to lock the door]\nStan: What's up, Kyle? Why are you trying to trash-talk our theatrical release?\nKyle: Do you really think that this is good for Butters? To have his face put all over signs as the poster child for bullying?\nStan: Butters is totally fine with it, dude.\nKyle: Yeah? Well Butters is ten! He doesn't exactly know what's best for him, and neither do you!\nStan: Alright Kyle, that's enough! I'm not gonna be bullied by you, okay?!\nKyle: What?! You were waiting for me in the bathroom!\nStan: Oh yeah.\nKyle: Look, this is all getting way too big! Tell the movie studio you aren't selling the video to them.\nStan: This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!\nKyle: If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put it out on the Internet for free?! [long pause] Well?!\nStan: ...What, what was the question again?\nKyle: [slowly] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the Internet, for free?!\nStan: ...Get, get out of here, Kyle! I'm trying to go to the bathroom!\nKyle: [turns around and walks out] Fine! But when you're naked and jackin' it in San Diego, don't ask me for help! [closes the door.]\nStan: [left wondering] Why does he keep saying that?\nScene Description: The Dr. Oz Show\nDr. Oz: We all know that bullying has become an epidemic. Like AIDS, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises. But now a few school kids are trying to make a difference with a video to make bullying kill itself. [Switch to Camera 2, which shows Stan and Butters seated next to Dr. Oz. Butters is not too happy to be there, so he rests his head on his right hand] I'm joined by the film's director as well as the weak little boy who's the main subject of the film. Stan, congratulations on all your success.\nStan: Well, I just got tired of seeing people like Butters getting pushed around, and I knew I had to do somethin' about it. [the audience applauds]\nDr. Oz: And how about you? What would you like to say to your bully out there?\nButters: Oh uh, nothin'.\nDr. Oz: Come on, this is for everyone who's been a victim. What do you wanna say to bullies all across America? Go ahead. [Butters raises his head] Right now. Say it.\nButters: Uh stop... Stop trying to make me say things I don't want to on your TV show.\nDr. Oz: Do you hear that, bullies? Stop making kids say things on your TV shows! [the audience applauds] What else do you wanna say, Butters?\nButters: [feeling cornered] Please, leave me alone.\nDr. Oz: Leave him alone! But that doesn't work, does it Butters?\nButters: No it doesn't.\nDr. Oz: Tell us in graphic detail what the bully does to you?!\nButters: Stop it!\nDr. Oz: Come on, this is for America! [Stan begins to get concerned. Butters looks to Stan for some reassurance] Do you realize that in America, ohohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying?! [Butters' anger begins to rise] Don't you care?! You better care! [Butters loses it and attacks Dr. Oz. The audience cheers him on. Dr. Oz collapses to the floor and Butters begins to punch him in the face]\nScene Description: The movie company's head office, day. Stan has been summoned to the office\nMr. Jabs: What the hell were you thinking?! Everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is actually a violent psychopath!\nStan: I didn't know.\nMr. Jabs: This could kill our box office. People are gonna come after us now, saying we didn't check our facts!\nStan: I didn't beat up Dr. Oz! Don't be mad at me!\nMr. Jabs: It's your fuckin' movie! Now I'm gonna have to work overtime with marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim! Jesus, just get the fuck out of here! I've gotta go to the bathroom! [goes to the bathroom as Stan leaves. Inside the bathroom he runs into Jesus with his arms crossed] Uh oh.\nJesus: My child, [goes to lock the door] have you ever heard of a place called Hell? It's eternal fire, and it's gonna hurt real bad.\nMr. Jabs: Uh... [lowers his head]\nJesus: Oh, what are you gonna do? cwy now?\nScene Description: Grammy's room, night. Butters cracks the door open and walks in while she's asleep. She's facing away from him, so he can't see how she responds\nButters: Grandma? I did it, Grandma. [she opens her eyes] I finally stood up for myself. I got real mean and I beat the snot outta Dr. Oz. [she frowns] I can't lie, it felt kind of good. [she smiles] At first. But since then all I have is just... a kind of dark, empty feeling. Then I realized... that's how you must feel. All the time. [her smile fades] Poor old Grandma. You know, I-I've been gettin' lots of advice how to deal with you. Stand up to you, tell on you... But I kind of realize there's just people like you out there. All over the place. When you're a kid, things seem like they're gonna last forever. But they're not. Life changes. Why you won't always be around. Someday you're gonna die. [the anger leaves Grammy's face] Someday pretty soon. [he approaches Grammy] And when you're layin' in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, well I'll come visit ya. I'll come just to show you that, that I'm still alive and I'm still happy. And you'll die. Bein' nothin' but you. [walks back to the door] 'Night Grandma. [exits and closes the door]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. Stan walks through the front doors and the students all boo him and throw wads of paper at him\nStan: Huh? Aw, come on! [comes across Clyde, Craig, and Cartman and stops] Dude, what's going on?\nClyde: You didn't hear?! Now that America knows Butters was actually a violent psychopath, they're saying you made a bull-crap bullying video!\nStan: Wha? What's the movie studio saying about it?\nCartman: The studio backed out! The producer had a change of heart! BOOOOO!\nRed: You made us look like uncaring idiots!\nCraig: Yeah. Boooo!\nStan: How was I supposed to know Butters was actually a violent psychopath?\nTimmy: [rolls up] Boooo!\nStan: [moves off a bit] Everyone loved me sixteen hours ago.\nMr. Mackey: Stan? Stan, okay, ABC called and Dr. Oz is suing you and our entire school! What are you gonna do?!\nStan: [sighs in resignation] I guess, there's only one thing left for me to do.\nScene Description: A plane moves through the sky and lands at San Diego International Airport. Stan walks through the airport with two suitcases, then through the San Diego Zoo, then through Coronado Island, then takes a taxi ride through the Gaslamp District.\nSinger (background singers): Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam I'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines. (He's gonna jack it) Been spreadin' the word and now I need to ease my mind. (Jackin' it) (Ohhhh...) Been plantin' them apple seeds and while the apples grow, I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego! [the singers pop up] (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, jackin' it, spankin' it smack) [Stan is at a street corner and begins to undress] I don't need no shirt, no, gonna take 'dem pants right off (he's about to jack it) On such a bright day who needs underwear or socks? (Jackin' jack it) (Ohhhh...) Been around God's country, and there's one thing I know. [Stan begins to dance] There's no better place for jackin' it than San Diego! [the two background singers arrive and stand between Stan and the camera] (Jack it, jack it, jackin' it jack Smackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack [the lead singer comes in] Jackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack) Jackin' for the Loooord!\nJerry Sanders: [Mayor of San Diego] Come to San Diego. There's so much to see. [real photos of the places he mentions appear] From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town. And after a day of sight-seeing, why not try spankin' it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego. Come, take a load off. [Behind him, Stan is still dancing at the street corner]\nScene Description: The three singers are at Sea World. Stan dances across the screen at Coronado Island with his back to the camera, then dances at a Mission-style building, then is back at the corner masturbating at passing cars. Someone captures the spectacle from a nearby window. A priest walks by reading a newspaper. He notices Stan and is surprised enough to lose the paper\nSinger (background singers): (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack A whackin' it, whackin' it, whackin' it whack Smackin' it, jerkin' it, smackin' it smack) The cars are passin' me by, they're honkin', say hello.\nPassenger: [from a passing car] Hey that guy's jackin' it!\nSinger (background singers): From his window there's a guy shootin' video. (Video of him jackin' it) And if the good Lord Jesus comes knockin' on my door, Just tell him that I'm jackin' it in San Diego. [a tourist map shows up with Stan dancing on it] (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack (he's about to jack it) Whack it jack it whack it jack it whackin' it jack Whack it whack it smack whack whackin' it whack)"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The opening shots this week parody those of \"I Shouldn't Be Alive\", with dramatic zooms and pans. Then a shot of Stan running in zipline gear\nStan: Kyle! [his voice echoes as he looks around frantically]\nScene Description: The opening shots again\nNarrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [A shot of Kyle running, also in zipline gear, through the forest.]\nKyle: AAAAAAAH! I can't take it! [a shot of Cartman moving down the zip line helplessly]\nCartman: Somebody help us! [motion blur back to opening shots]\nNarrator: Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out. [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan screaming, then of a bloodied Stan on the zip line, then of Cartman, then of Kyle] The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.\nKyle: [being interviewed] We were stuck. We were completely stuck. [cut to Cartman running]\nCartman: Kyle, hurry! [a shot of Stan with Kyle]\nStan: Kyle, wake up! You've gotta wake up, Kyle! [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman screaming, then of the four boys on a wooden platform at the top of a zip line, then of Cartman, then of a trip through the esophagus, then of Cartman, and back to the first shot]\nNarrator: For four elementary school boys. an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness on tonight's episode of \"I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining\".\nCartman: [inside a van, in a window seat] Oh God!\nStan: [running towards the camera] No!\nScene Description: \"The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies\"\nStan: Help! We're trapped! [A shot of all four boys bloodied and woozy] We've gotta get out of here!\nScene Description: \"This is a true story.\"\nScene Description: A bright sun rises over the town of South Park\nNarrator: It's the last day of Spring break, [a shot of the school] and all over the small mountain town of South Park, [back at the park, kids play on the basketball court or go down a slide, or fly kites.] students are trying to have as much fun as possible. [a girl shows off her dog to two friends, a boy aims his water gun at another boy and runs after him, two other boys toss a football between them. The camera stops at a table with four boys. Tow of them sit at the bench, two others stand. Kenny plays with a twig] For ten year old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the last day has come too soon.\nStan: [being interviewed] We really had spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing Xbox, you know, so, we, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.\nKyle: We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide\nCartman: Noo nono, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny. He has herpes.\nKenny: [offended] (What?!)\nCartman: Look at his lip. [to Kenny] You've got herpes, dude.\nKenny: [throws the twig away] (This is not herpes, it's a cold sore!)\nCartman: No- cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes.\nStan: Come on guys, the day is wasting away. What would be something really cool we could do?\nKyle: [being interviewed] And then like, out of nowhere, somebody came up with the idea of ziplining.\nCartman: Hey yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool!\nKyle: We've definitely not done that before!\nStan: I think there's a place just outside of town. I'll see if my uncle Jimbo will drop us off.\nKyle: Cool! Ziplining.\nCartman: Ziplining. Hell yeah.\nNarrator: Within thirty minutes, the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's uncle Jimbo. [a shot of the boys chattering in the back]\nCartman: [being interviewed] We were in a good mood, just jokin' around, you know, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.\nCartman: Hey Kenny! You got herpes, dude! Ah I almost touched him. [leans over to see how close his finger can reach without touching] Zi- [Kenny puts his right mitten over his mouth and Cartman pulls his left hand back playfully] Oh, sick Kenny! No! Gross.\nKenny: (Dude, it's just a fever blister!)\nCartman: Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny said it's just a fever blister. [laughs] You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die.\nNarrator: It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter. [a shot of the boys cheering as they approach Backcountry Adventures]\nScene Description: Inside Backcountry Adventures, day\nClerk: Hey, you guys here for the 2 o'clock zipline tour?\nStan: Yeah.\nClerk: All right, let me get you some helmet and some gear and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.\nKyle: [being interviewed] And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets. I th-I think that's when we started realizing, \"Oh wow, this is actually pretty dangerous.\"\nClerk: [he's got the boys dressed up] All right, you guys look ready to zipline!\nCartman: Alright!\nClerk: Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room and we'll have you take a seat with the others.\nStan: [being interviewed] And we were like, \"Other? We have to do this with other people?\" [a shot of the boys entering the waiting room, where there are seven other people waiting]\nWoman 1: Hi there.\nMan 1: Hello.\nWoman 2: Hi\nNarrator: The boys have just made a sobering discovery. [a shot of Stan's internal organs and spine] For ten year old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down. [this is shown] The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family. [Stan's brain and skull are shown] But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour.\nWoman 2: [quite pregnant] Hey, how are you?\nStan: [mimicking] Good. How are you?\nKyle: [being interviewed] So then we sit there for like, thirty minutes, because we had to wait for this couple who was running late. [the couple arrives]\nClerk: Alright, our last zipliners are here. [Kyle and Cartman are visibly angry]\nMan 2: Sorry we made you wait, everybody. [A shot of Kyle's mouth interior is shown]\nNarrator: Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, \"Dude, fuck you!\"\nKyle: We don't mind.\nCartman: [being interviewed] Now everyone was there. We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video. [the benches are rearranged so the zipliners can watch a TV screen above them]\nClerk: Welcome to Backcountry Adventures! Well hey there Michael!\nMichael: [who's just the clerk, naturally] Hey there Michael. [Everyone behind the boys laughs.]\nStan: [being interviewed] It was... I don't know, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell. [return to the tour]\nMichael: Oh, and don't forget... to take in the nar. Back to you, Michael.\nMichael: Thanks Michael. [turns off the TV] Anybody have any questions?\nCartman: ...No.\nMan 2: I have a question: Can we review the best ways to hold a rope again? [the boys are stunned that this needs to be done]\nStan: [being interviewed] \"Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again 'cause you couldn't understand? Really?\"\nMichael: Let's get out there and get zippin'! [everyone rises and heads out of the waiting room]\nKyle: Jesus Christ!\nCartman: Finally!\nNarrator: The boys think their ordeal is over, but what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse.\nScene Description: Outside Backcountry Adventures\nMichael: Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]\nGuide 1: [a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]\nStan: ...Shuttle?\nKyle: How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?\nMichael: It's about forty-five minutes.\nNarrator: It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word \"shuttle\" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]\nCartman: Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]\nScene Description: The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.\nMichael: Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?\nStan: Uh that's okay.\nMan 3: Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]\nNarrator: [hour 2] It's almost three o'clock, and the boys are still on the shuttle.\nMichael: We're gettin' close. Are you guys gettin' psyched?!\nAdults: Wooo!\nNarrator: But what the boys don't realize is that a massie storm is brewing. [Cartman is drinking some Mountain Dew from a can. The camera looks around the van] Last night, Eric Cartman had kung pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. [the camera goes down Eric's esophagus] Inside Eric's stomach, the kung pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of barbeque BK toppers that have been building up for months. [the camera comes back up the esophagus and out Cartman's mouth] And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back down Cartman's throat] The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. [a quick journey through the intestines is shown] When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. [the sphincter is shown] Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage. [this is shown, along with Kyle's reaction]\nKyle: Dude, did you fart?!\nCartman: Mmmm, no?\nMichael: Alright buys, we're here! [The van pulls up to the first entrace to Zipline Adventures. Both Stan and Kenny look sleepy]\nStan: Thank God. [everyone is out of the van as Guide 1 goes up to the launch pad two stories up. The pad is attached to a pine tree]\nMichael: Alright, here we are. Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today. Uh, but before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?\nCartman: The trees' biology?\nMichael: We are running a little late, but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes.\nStan: I think we're good.\nMan 2: [raises his left hand] I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.\nMichael: Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa pine. It covers a more extensive area than other Ameri-\nStan: [being interviewed] So after Asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining! [Cartman is hooked up]\nMichael: Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out \"Shockabra!\", look up and give the camera a nice \"shockabra\" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?\nCartman: Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]\nMichael: Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?\nCartman: Yeah.\nMichael: Alright, let's hear you say \"Zipliiine!\"\nCartman: Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]\nMichael: [voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]\nGuide 1: Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!\nKyle: Well? How was it, Cartman?\nCartman: Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!\nStan: [as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really??\nCartman: Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!\nMichael: Alright Kyle, give me a \"Zipliiine!\"\nKyle: Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]\nMichael: Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the fists too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]\nKyle: [being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. Maybe. But, this was just... a complete disaster.\nNarrator: After a grueling twenty minutes, waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys relaize they have just wasted hours of their time. And that, is when the unthinkable happens.\nMichael: Alright guys, let's get movin'! Only ten minutes till our next zipliiine! [the others cheer, but the boys are worried.]\nCartman: [being interviewed] \"The next zipline? What are you talking about?\"\nKyle: E-excuse me, w-we aren't going back now? Aren't we done?\nMichael: This is Zipline Tours. We got sixteen more to go.\nStan: [being interviewed] And it was like WHAM. [makes a fist with his right hand and punches his left handn with it.]\nKyle: STOP!\nCartman: NOOOO!\nGuide: Everyone back in the shuttle!\nKyle, Cartman: NOOOO! [the adults and a fifth kid get back into the van]\nNarrator: The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun. [the boys scream and some scens of the next ziplines flash by: Michael sends someone down the zipline, he plays guitar during a break \"led me through that\"]\nGuide: Anyone have any questions about the creek we're about to cross?\nMan 2: Yes.\nBoys: AAAA! [shots of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan]\nAdults: \"Ack\" went the little frog one day. \"Ack\" went the little green frog...\nCartman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [opening shots return]\nMichael: Let 'er rip! [sends Man 2 on his way]\nMan 4: Zipliiine!\nNarrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.\nMichael: Next zipline's up here, we call it the Terminator.\nKyle: Wugh!\nNarrator: Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group.\nPete: But, you know, to make a long story short, I woke up this morning and- [Woman 1 is shown going down, then man 1, then]\nMan 2: [with his wife] Could you get another picture of us? [hands Kyle the camera]\nKyle: [frustrated] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [a shot of the whole group is shown]\nNarrator: The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.\nCartman: [on his way down a zipline.] I'm so fucking bored! [Hour 3 arrives. Michael sends the next zipliner on down. The others cheer her on]\nMichael: Alright, you going next, Ricky? [hooks Ricky up and sends him down]\nThe boys: [on the ground] Help! Somebody! Help us! [the adults on the launch pad cheer the next zipliner down]\nKyle: It's no use. There's nobody around for miles.\nStan: There could be a helicopter. Maybe one will fly overhead.\nKyle: [grabs Stan's arms] Face it Stan! Nobody's coming for us! [another zipliner goes down]\nZipliner: Zipline!\nAdults: Woohoo!\nCartman: We should have never listened to you, Kyle.\nKyle: Me?!\nCartman: Yeah you! In the park this morning?! \"I know, let's all go ziplining! We've never done that before!\"\nKyle: Oh no, don't try to pin this on me! You're the one who brought it up!\nCartman: I brought it up because you already brought it up!\nStan: [being interviewed] That's when I realized nobody remembered. Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me.\nKyle: You fat piece of shit!\nCartman: Fuck you Kyle!\nStan: Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?!\nCartman, Kyle: Yes!\nStan: Alright, look, we can make it, you guys. We can't panic. If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster. We are gonna make it out of here, okay?\nNarrator: But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. [the camera goes down Cartman's throat.] Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. [the camera goes back up his throat and out his mouth] But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back in] His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. [a quick trip through Cartman's intestines, as before] The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. [this is shown, and the smell wafts up into Kyle's nose] Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.\nKyle: DUDE! Did you just shit your pants?!\nCartman: Nnnn-mo...\nStan: [being interviewed] So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving, as fast as possible.\nMichael: All right guys, this is where we're going to break for lunch.\nGuide: [standing in a covered lunch area] Come in by the waterfall, gang! [it's a small waterfall]\nStan: Oh no, could, could we skip lunch and keep going?\nMan 2: Skip a free lunch? Not me! [runs to the lunch area. The other zipliners follow]\nGuide: Wo wants sandwiches? [pulls out sealed sandwiches from a portable ice box] We got ...turkey. [Man 2 takes that one] Ham. [another zipliner takes that one] Turkey ham. [another zipliner takes that one...]\nPete: [in the background] Long story short, we picked up our bags and went to our hotel. [in the foreground the boys are sitting on their own log with the word HELP on the ground before them made with twigs and branches]\nCartman: Oogh! Ugh! You guys, seriously! Something's wrong in my tummy! [keeps sipping the Double Dew]\nKyle: The stop drinking Double Dew, fatass!\nCartman: This is Diet Double Dew Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew. [at the bottom of the can is a blurb saying \"DEW THE MATH!\"] Oh man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast.\nKyle: You're in a forest! Go take a crap!\nCartman: If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle!\nStan: [runs up to the tour guides] Hey ah, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency. Our friend is really really sick.\nMichael: Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes?\nStan: ...Yyyeah.\nGuide: That's not herpes, it's a cold sore.\nMichael: Right, sorry.\nStan: Yeah, his, his cold sore is really bad, and uhh he's losing blood, so we've gotta go.\nMichael: Jesus, sorry dude, but we're at the summit. The only way down is to zip down.\nSome adults: Zipline! Wooo!\nGuide: What about the stables?\nMichael: Oh yeah, the stables. There's, there's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses. I, I bet they can get you back.\nKyle: [being interviewed] Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables. Ih it seemed too good to be true.\nRancher: Now let me get this straight: You want four horses, one for each of ya?\nStan: Yea, please!\nRancher: Well I think we can set ya up.\nKyle: Oh, thank God!\nStan: You see guys? This is gonna be sweet after all.\nRancher: Step right out here, we'll get you going. [leads the boys out to a horseback riding tour] Got four more for you, Duncan. [All the riders wave and say hello, and a few take pictures]\nCartman: NOOO! [opening shots return]\nNarrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.\nKyle: AAAAH! [the boys are now shown on horseback in this order: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny]\nCartman: [still aching] Eeeeugh.\nNarrator: Trapped in a tour group on horsback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour. [the camera tries some dramatic moves]\nKyle: Can we please go faster?!\nKenny: (I can't take it!)\nDuncan: We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead. Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.\nKyle: AAAAAAAAAAH!\nCartman: Uh oh. [lets out a wet fart]\nRider 1: [to Kyle] So anyway, long story short, I was born in 1953 at six in the morning.\nNarrator: An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on... \"I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining\"\nScene Description: The lunch site, moments later.\nDuncan: This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls. Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?\nRider 2: Well I certainly would! [Other riders do too. Nearby, Kyle has collapsed]\nStan: Kyle. Kyle? Kyle, come on, wake up!\nKyle: Just go. Go without me.\nStan: No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle!\nKyle: I can't take it anymore. [his voice gets weaker] Why do people say \"long story short\"? They're not making it short, Stan.\nStan: [being interviewed] I just sat there, watching Kyle die and... I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there. But then this... fire rose up inside of me, I... I thought \"I can find us a way out!\" I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long. Twelve minutes? And that's when I found it.\nStan: [returns from his search quite excited] You guys, you guys! Get up! Listen to me! There's a lake a hundred yards down that way! They've got a marina with boats just sitting there!\nCartman: A marina?\nStan: We can take a boat, you guys! We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay!\nKyle: What's the point?\nStan: Come on you guys! A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun! What could possibly go wrong?! [an announcer says the following lines]\nScene Description: \"The following program contains graphic re-enactments that may be disturbing to some audience members.\" The marina. This is the live-action segment of the episode\nNarrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [shots of the boys screaming on various parts of the boat] Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat [named Puffin] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour. [some footage is dropped to speed up the boat in time-lapse form]\nKyle: Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!\nCartman: Well it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew!\nKyle: Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!\nNarrator: The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.\nCartman: Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining? Mine, or Kyle's?\nKenny: [slurring his speech] I don't know. I really don't give a shit.\nNarrator: For four elementary school boys, an alrady tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... \"I Should Have Never Got On A Goddamn Boat\" [more shots of the boys on the Puffin]\nKyle: Oh no. [Cartman lowers a 20-oz. bottle of Mountain Dew] You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side into the water!\nScene Description: \"The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies.\" Cartman is shitting over the side of the boat, Stan screams, Kyle and Kenny vomit over other sides, Cartman continues to shit\nKenny: Beavers! [a beaver is swimming in the water]\nScene Description: \"This is a true story.\"\nScene Description: The boys are resting on a bench on the boat now\nNarrator: After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea and fighting off beavers, the boys have made a terrifying discovery: that boating is just as boring as ziplining.\nStan: [being interviewed] The boat went really slow and it just went round and round.\nCartman: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!\nNarrator: If the boys fall asleep now, from the lack of excitement, they could die. [Stan looks ready to sleep. Cartman takes a swig of Mountain Dew]\nKyle: Here! [takes Cartman's bottle] Everyone drink some Mountain Dew!\nKyle: [being interviewed] I don't know, I-I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake. I told Cartman he has to share it.\nCartman: I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes!\nKenny: Hey. [tugs on Cartman, who turns to look at him] Fuck you, Cartman.\nScene Description: The Puffin, some time later\nNarrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [individual shots of the boys. They all have oral herpes now] And just when it seems it can't get any worse... [the boys are nodding off again]\nStan: ...Kenny? Kenny! [Kenny has slid down on the seat, but his eyes are open]\nNarrator: Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.\nKyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!\nCartman: No, not they, YOU! Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny, YOU're the bastard!\nKyle: IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOURS! YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD!\nStan: [being interviewed] And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said \"Stop it!\"\nStan: [rises and walks a bit] Stop it! It was me! My idea.\nCartman: You?!\nStan: Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out the brochure for Backcountry Adventures, then looks at it for a few seconds] I thought it would be fun. I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together. [Kyle and Cartman look at each other]\nKyle: So you intended for us to go ziplining all along? Why, Stan?!\nStan: [turns to face them] If you signed up three friends, you got a free iPod Nano. [the camera pans down and sure enough, the offer is on the brochure cover: Sign up 3 friends and get an iPod NANO!!!]\nKyle: You sold us out?! For an iPod Nano?!\nStan: I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.\nCartman: [points at Stan] You... You killed Kenny! [Stan begins to weep]\nKyle: You BAStard! You BAStard, Stan! [a shot of Kenny, then a shot of the three surviving boys crying. Kyle cries on Cartman's shoulder and Cartman comforts him]\nKyle: [being interviewed] How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth? I guess, one.\nStan: [being interviewed, crying] The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. [wipes away the flowing tears] I mean, it was the fifth-generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere.\nNarrator: But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered. [the boys look around, startled]\nCartman: [being interviewed] It was a miracle. He came to save us and take us back home.\nCartman: You came for us!\nKyle: Mr. Hankey!\nStan: Thank you. [whispers] Mr. Hankey. [Mr. Hankey has landed on the boat, at the top of an armrest]\nMr. Hankey: [without the falsetto voice] Howdy ho, boys? Let's get you back home. [the boys are overjoyed at their good fortune]\nCartman: [being interviewed] We were saved. It was over.\nNarrator: After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter. [shown, the images are back to the cartoon form] In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven. [a jet plane made of poo] From there, it was only an hour ride back home on the Poochoo Express. [The ziplining Shockabra pictures are shown] Four friends, turn apart by tragedy [Kenny's image vanishes, leaving the forest background in place], would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents. [Mr. Hankey delivers them personally. The parents are distraught] And the boys received treatment for their herpes. [two paramedics treat Stan and Cartman as Mr. Hankey looks on from above. Stan and Cartman focus on Mr. Hankey.]\nCartman: [being interviewed] No, I didn't get herpes, I just had a cold sore.\nNarrator: [shots of the scenes being described are shown] Kyle Broflovski spent twenty seven days in the hospital having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining. [a lecture tour. Stan is shown on stage with a \"No on Ziplining\" logo] His awareness videos became so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego. As for Eric Cartman, [shown as a mountaineer] he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math.\nCartman: [being interviewed] It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. [takes a long sip]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. The kids are milling around as Butters' wail is heard.\nButters: [runs across the hallway] Fellas! Fellas! Fellas! [spots them in another hallway and runs to them] AAAAH, fellas!\nStan: What? [most of the fourth grade boys gather around]\nButters: [stops and catches his breath, then jabs his right index finger at the floor] Guess what Larry Barsky just told me?!\nCartman: What?\nButters: [jabs his finger again] Guess!\nKyle: Just tell us, Butters.\nButters: There's a new girl that started school here today. And she's joined the cheerleading squad.\nCraig: Oh, we have a new cheerleader?\nClyde: What's she look like?\nKenny: (Yeah, what's her name?)\nCartman: [taking control of the situation] Alright guys, alright! If there is a new girl at our school, we're not gonna start putting claims on her and getting into big fights! It's gonna be her choice who she likes the most.\nScene Description: The school gym, moments later. Some double doors are open and Butters peeks in. The other boys gather behind him, and soon all their jaws drop.\nButters: Look, look, there she is. [near the bleachers opposite the doors are five girls: Red, Wendy, Bebe, Lola, and Jenny. Between Wendy and Bebe are two pompoms waiting for a sixth cheerleader, who arrives shortly. It's a black girl. The other five girls begin talking to her all at once]\nCartman: Oh my God. Token, aren't you stoked? [Token looks over at him. The girls start practicing] Aww, that's awesome, Token. I'm happy for you.\nToken: [anger flashes across his face] Why?! Why are you happy for me?!\nCartman: Dude, I'm being seriously. You guys will be really cute together. What are you gonna say to her?\nToken: Nothing! [walks away]\nCartman: [confused] What the? ...Oh, Token's shy. Oh my God, that is adorable.\nScene Description: Fourth Grade class, some time later. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard teaching the class about Game of Thrones\nMr. Garrison: And so what we start to see now is a pattern in world history much like the Greeks and the Romans. Remember that there were seven families fighting for control of the land of Westeroth. The king of Westeroth was who? Robert Baratheon [circles BARATHEON on the board], and he asked Eddard, also known as, of course, Lord Stark, to serve as hand of the king. You remember that Lord Stark accepted, or course. The queen's family - that's the Lannisters - were really trying back then to take control, weren't they? So where were the Targaryens at this time? Well, they were across the sea. We all talked about how they were also trying to take the throne. So we've got the Greeks, the Romans, the Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons, Targaryens, all headed for a big blowout right in Season 2. Now, what I really wanted to get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess- [during the lecture, the following takes place]\nCartman: [fairly whispering throughout, beginning when Mr. Garrison mentions Lord Stark. He sits between Token and the new girl and grins as he looks at each of them by turn] Dude... Token! [jerks his head a bit in the girl's direction and points at her] Token. Dude. [Token looks at him, then goes back to taking notes. Cartman smiles] Psst. Token. [points to the girl again, but puts his right hand up so she doesn't notice. Token is annoyed] Go ahead. Go ahead dude. Token! Yeah, get in there.\nKyle: [annoyed as well] Will you shut the hell up?! [goes back to taking notes. Cartman finally picks up his pen, but doesn't write anything]\nCartman: ...Token. You want me to pass her a jelly bean?\nToken: [whispers back] No!\nCartman: Huh?\nToken: [louder] No!\nMr. Garrison: [stops talking and turns to the class] Token, is there a problem? [Token is a loss for words, but Cartman fields this question]\nCartman: Ah, he's just a little sick, Mr. Garrison. He's got boneritis. [begins to laugh at his own joke] Right guys? [tries to hold the laugh in]\nMr. Garrison: Everyone pay attention! [goes back to the board] Now, what I really wanna get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess that's pretty hard to keep straight, isn't it? The Night's Watch- [while Garrison resumes his lesson, Cartman resumes his prodding]\nCartman: [quickly looks at the girl and at Token] Token. [leans back in his seat so Token has a clear view of the girl] Dude, dude. Dude.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Bebe and Red are at Bebe's locker, talking.\nRed: So then Kelly I guess told Stacey that she wasn't invited, so now Stacey's pissed at us.\nCartman: [approaching] Hey, guys? Can I talk to you?\nBebe: [shuts her locker] Why?!\nCartman: [motions to his left] Just, can I talk to you, real quick? [walks the girls over to the end of the hallway] What kind of stuff is the new girl saying about Token?\nRed: About Token? Why?\nCartman: Well, Token's really shy, so, I'm just here, sort of on his behalf 'cause, you know.\nBebe: Token likes Nichole?\nCartman: Yeah, of course. [the girls look at each other]\nRed: Oh yeah, I don't think she has any idea.\nCartman: Yeah, so, could you guys just let her know that, you know, she might have to make the first move?\nBebe: Okay.\nCartman: Thanks, you guys.\nScene Description: Bebe's basement, day. She and the other five cheerleaders are playing the board game, Living. Lola rolls the dice and releases them.\nLola: [moves up four steps] One two three four, sorry Bebe.\nBebe: Oh, that's okay. [the girls laugh about it] So, Nichole, guess what? One of the boys here already has a crush on you.\nLola, Jenny, Red, and Wendy: Ohhh.\nNichole: Oh my gosh, who?\nRed: That boy Token.\nWendy: Oh he's really nice, Nichole. I dated him for a little while. [the other girls chime in, showing their support. The camera pulls back a bit, and Cartman is shown eavesdropping just outside a basement window]\nNichole: Oh jeez, thanks you guys, but to be totally honest, I kinda think this other boy is cute.\nBebe: [excited] Who? Whowhowhowho?\nNichole: That kid, with the orange coat and the green hat?\nWendy: Oh, you mean Kyle?\nNichole: Yeah.\nThe Girls: Ooooh, Kyle.\nCartman: WHAT?! KYLE?! [the girls don't hear him]\nBebe: Nichole loves Kyle! Nichole and Kyle sittin' in a tree.\nThe Girls: K-I-S-S-O-M-G!\nNichole: Haha, shut up you guys! It's just a crush. [the girls laugh while Cartman gets livid]\nCartman: Motherfucker! [gets up and runs off]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The girls are practicing on the football field as three random boys watch from the bleachers\nThe Girls: We are Cows, proud and true! Count on South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows! [Cartman approaches Nichole]\nCartman: Hey, ah, Nichole, right?\nNichole: Yeah. [Wendy stops practicing]\nCartman: Can I talk to you for a second, just for a second, right over here? [takes her to another set of bleachers nearby] Listen uh, I heard through the grapevine that you've got a thing for Kyle?\nNichole: [taken aback] Oh no, who told you that?\nCartman: Just, the grapevine. Um, there's something you should probably know. [fakes a sweat] Oh man this is hard. Um, the thing is, me and Kyle are kind of, you know ...together?\nNichole: Ohhh.\nCartman: Yeah, he's my man. I'm more out than Kyle is, but... it sucks, because he acts like we're not a couple at school because he's embarrassed, but... we get home and he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.\nNichole: Wow, I-I'm sorry. I totally respect that. [puts her right hand on his left shoulder] Hey, thanks a lot for telling me.\nCartman: Cool, just, you know, don't touch me 'cause I'm not into girls, so it kind of grosses me out.\nNichole: [withdraws her hand] Oh, I'm sorry.\nCartman: Yeah, kewl. Anyway, thanks a lot and just, you know, stay away from my man, bitch. [snaps his fingers and walks away]\nScene Description: The hallway, later. Kyle is at his locker putting some books away. Nichole approaches him\nNichole: Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here.\nKyle: Oh, thanks. [smiles. Nichole turns and walks away, smiling. Kyle sees Craig and Timmy nearby and runs towards them] Dude, that new girl's into me!\nScene Description: Another hallway. Cartman hides around the corner and makes like he's real cool, wearing shades and with hands in his jacket pockets, one foot resting on the wall. Butters walks past him on the cross-hallway without noticing\nCartman: Psst Butters. Butters! [Butters stops and notices, then walks over to Cartman] At the end of PE class, tell Nichole that the gym teacher wants some towels delivered to the boys' locker room.\nButters: How come?\nCartman: [takes off his shades] Let's just say that by this time tomorrow, Token and Nichole are gonna be practically married.\nButters: Are you sure, Eric? I mean, maybe they just aren't meant for each other.\nCartman: No no. [walks him towards the camera] Love is like taking a dump, Butters. Sometimes it works itself out, but sometimes, you've gotta give it a nice hard slimy push.\nScene Description: The football field, after PE. Nichole packs her pompoms away as Butters arrives with towels for Nichole to deliver\nButters: Oh hey, Nichole? Coach wants you to take these to the boys' locker room. [hands her the towels]\nNichole: Oh, he does? [Butters nods] Okay.\nScene Description: The boys' locker room. Token is taking a shower alone when Cartman leans in to check on him, then walks away. The other boys are changing into their regular clothes.\nCartman: Guys! Guys, get outside! It's the Bat-Mobile! Bat-Mobile, you guys! [the boys make a break for the front of the school and exit the front doors]\nScene Description: In front of the school.\nCraig: Where?\nJimmy: I-I don't see a b-b-Bat-Mobile.\nScene Description: Back at the gym, Nichole reaches the boys' locker room, opens the door, and backs into the room. Cartman looks from around a corner and sees her go in. He has a chain and lock with him, and as soon as the door closes he goes and locks them with the chain\nNichole: [keeps walking, unaware of what Cartman just did] Hello??\nToken: [walks in dressed in a towel and drying his face with another] AAA!\nNichole: OH! Oh gosh I'm so sorry!\nToken: Where is everybody? What's goin' on??\nNichole: Coach wanted me to... [winces] I'm sorry. [drops the towels, turns and goes back to the doors. She tries to open them but can't]\nScene Description: The neighborhood, afternoon. Some of the students are walking together: Kyle, Craig, and Timmy in back, Lola and Jenny up front.\nKyle: Hey guys. Guys! Hold up. [runs up to the girls, who stop and turn to face him] Hey uhm, you're kind of friends with that Nichole girl, right?\nJenny: Yeah?\nKyle: Well... what kind of stuff does she like? Do you know?\nLola: She likes... movies, cats.\nJenny: [to Lola] She likes basketball.\nKyle: Ogh. Oh cool, she likes basketball? That's perfect! Thanks, you guys!\nLola: Well- Hey Kyle, [he stops and returns] we were gonna head over to the mall. You wanna go with us?\nKyle: Oh. Uh, can't right now, but maybe another time. See ya! [runs off]\nJenny: Guess he has a crush on Nichole.\nLola: [looks away for a moment] I don't think so. I heard Kyle swings for the same team.\nJenny: Really?!\nKyle: [back with Craig and Timmy] It's perfect! I could take her to a basketball game. [looks back at the girls, who look at him, then giggle as he turns back to the boys] Man, I-I don't know what's happenin', but... it seems like all the girls are... kind of into me lately. [looks back at the girls and waves. They grin and wave back]\nScene Description: Back in the locker room, Token tries to get himself and Nichole out, but groans and doesn't get anywhere\nToken: Hey! In here! [punches the door]\nNichole: You think the janitors are still here?\nToken: Don't worry. It's gonna be okay. We've got water, and, and maybe somebody even left some food laying around. Come on. [takes her around the locker room. Nichole notices a table with food and some other things on it]\nNichole: Look! [walks to the table] Somebody left a deli platter. [Token joins her] And board games. And massage oil.\nToken: Oh... Good.\nScene Description: The school, just after sunrise. Firefighters have arrived at the locker room and have snapped the chain in two with bolt cutters.\nScene Description: The school, out front. The firefighters have taken Token and Nichole outside and left them alone as they leave.\nNichole: Well that was sure an interesting night.\nToken: It sure was.\nNichole: Hey, thanks a lot for making me feel safe in there. That could have been really scary.\nToken: Yeah. Now that it's over, I... I guess it was kind of fun. [smiles]\nNichole: Yeah, it kind of was. Maybe... I-I don't know. Maybe we should get some lunch tomorrow.\nCartman: [hiding in the bushes, weeping silently] Oh my God, sooo cute.\nToken: I'd like that.\nNichole: Cool. Well... thanks again. [they hug each other]\nCartman: [sweetly] Ohhhhh my God.\nCupid Me: [pops out of Cartman's head] We did it, Eric. We found them each other's ray of sunshine.\nCartman: You're my ray of sunshine, Cupid Me. [tickles the little cupid]\nCupid Me: Teeheeheehee. [pops back into Cartman's head, leaving behind a trail of hearts]\nScene Description: Montage. Cartman sings \"I Swear\" as Token and Nichole get to know each other better.\nCartman: I see the questions in your eyes I know what's weighing on your mind You can be sure I know, my heart Girl I'll stand beside you through the years You'll only cry those happy tears And though I make mistakes, I'll never break your heart I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there I swear (I swear) like a shadow that's by your side (Keep it down, girl) I'll be there For better or worse (better or worse), till death do us part (death do us part) I'll love you with every black beat of my heart And I swear. I swear. I s-we-e-e-ear Yeah, I swear. Straight up. What it do?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, recess. As the kids play and chatter, Token is pushing Nichole on a swing, then he tickles Nichole and she giggles. Cartman is rather pleased with how things are progressing between Token and Nichole\nCartman: Did you see that? Token was gonna push her, but then he tickled her instead. [behind him, on the merry-go-round, are Stan, Kenny, and Butters. Stan and Kenny are playing with a ball.]\nStan: Dude, why are you so into their relationship?\nCartman: I don't know, it's just so... perfect. [Stan and Kenny resume playing]\nKyle: You motherfucker! [runs into view and punches Cartman, who falls on his face]\nCartman: Kyle, Jesus Christ!\nKyle: What the hell are you doing telling people that we're a gay couple?!\nCartman: Oh, heard that through the grapevine, did you?\nKyle: The new girl liked me, and so you lied to her!\nCartman: Somebody had to intervene, Kyle! You were standing in the way of Token and Nichole! They belong together!\nKyle: Just because two people are the same race doesn't mean they belong together, you fat racist piece of fucking garbage!\nCartman: Oh! Oh, I'm a racist, huh?! I'm a racist! It's how nature works, Kyle! Look! Look, what about Luke Covina and Maria Sanchez? [points to a Hispanic couple riding play elephants] Is it a coincidence they ended up together?!\nStan: Actually, I heard they're together because they got locked in the school gym overnight a few months ago.\nCartman: Oh did they? I hadn't heard about that.\nCupid Me: [reappears, and Cartman smiles at him] Teehee, that was us, remember, Eric?\nCartman: Shh, quiet, Cupid Me.\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Nothing.\nKyle: Who is Cupid Me?\nCartman: Nobody.\nKyle: You are gonna tell everyone that you lied and that we aren't a couple!\nCartman: Why, Kyle?! So you can try and ruin things for Token and Nichole?! Look at how happy they are! [can't fault him there. Nichole giggles again. Kyle looks defeated] Is it that you want to ruin that or are you just homophobic?!\nKyle: Goddamnit! [walks away angrily]\nScene Description: Nichole's house, night. Inside, she and her parents are eating dinner: turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies. Nichole begins to fiddle with her food and look at the ceiling dreamily.\nDad: [clears his throat] Nichole? Your mother tells me that you already have a boyfriend at school.\nNichole: His name is Token. He's really nice.\nDad: Well that's good. But... your mother tells me that this boy is... black.\nNichole: So?\nDad: Well, Nichole, it's just... You know, just because you're black doesn't mean you can only date black boys. It's just a little weird that we moved to this whole new place and you're immediately drawn to the one other black person.\nMom: Oh stop, William. There's nothing wrong with her dating a black person.\nWilliam: I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying... she's gonna have to deal with racist people out there! People turning their heads and saying, \"Oh, look at the two black people together. That figures!\"\nNichole: It's not like that, Dad. We just happen to like each other. I know it seems like a strange coincidence, but it really is. A coincidence.\nMom: And we are very happy for you, sweetheart. Here, have some more turkey.\nWilliam: Yeah, just try the white meat. I know it's a little dry, but... there's a lot more of it.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's pounding on the bathroom door.\nCartman: Come on! [pounds on the door some more] Other people have to use the bathroom, you know? Can you hurry it up in there?! [pounds on the door some more. The door opens and Cupid Me floats out]\nCupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teehee.\nCartman: Jesus Christ, Cupid Me, you givin' birth in there?!\nCupid Me: [giggles] Sorry. [Cartman goes in]\nCartman: That's- Oh, oh, Cupid Me! [covers his nose with his bath robe] Sick! What the fuck have you been eating?!\nCupid Me: Teeheeheeheeheehee.\nCartman: Dude, at least flush the toilet! [walks over to it] Aww, it's cute, it's little chocolate hearts.\nCupid Me: They're fudgey charms of sunshine.\nCartman: You're my fudgey charm of sunshine. Come here, you! [tries to catch Cupid Me, but Cupid Me keeps away]\nCupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teeheeheeheehee. [flits here and there]\nCartman: I'm gonna get you! [chases Cupid Me out of the bathroom]\nCupid Me: Teeheehee, no! [flits on down the hall]\nCartman: I almost got you! Almost! [Liane walks out of her room with clean laundry, and there's no sign of Cupid Me]\nLiane: [sees Cartman dancing around] Everything okay, sweetie?\nCartman: Everything's great, Mom. [to the invisible Cupid Me] No! Come back here and flush the toilet, you silly! Noohoho! [dances away]\nScene Description: Nichole's room, evening. She checks out the teddy bear she thinks she got from Token. She reads the tag: \"To My Boo.\" She turns the tag over and reads it, her smile vanishing: \"'Cuz Blacks Belong Together\"\nNichole: Oh no...\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Token is at his locker in the hallway, and Nichole approaches him. Token closes his locker door, not noticing her coming.\nNichole: [sad] Hey Token.\nToken: [smiles and turns around] Hey Nichole.\nNichole: Can I talk to you for a sec?\nToken: Sure! [she takes him to the same drinking fountain Kyle took Jenny and Lola to earlier] What's up?\nNichole: Listen, I... ugh, I don't think this is gonna work out.\nToken: Oh.\nNichole: I'm so sorry. It's just... I don't believe we're really on the same page, you know?\nToken: Okay...\nNichole: I think you're really great... W-w-we just...\nToken: I think... you're really great.\nNichole: ...I'm sorry.\nToken: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'll see you around. [turns and walks away sadly]\nNichole: Okay. [she turns towards the drinking fountain]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, that afternoon. Cartman is devastated.\nCartman: [crying inconsolably, sometimes sneezing into a tissue] It's not fair! They were so... happy!\nButters: [holding Cartman's right hand] It's gonna be okay, Eric.\nCartman: It's NOT gonna be okay! Why did they break up?! They were meant for each other!\nButters: They'll find love somewhere else.\nCartman: No, they won't!\nButters: Yes, they will.\nCartman: No, they won't! Fuck you Butters, you're an asshole!\nCupid Me: [pops out again] Teeheehee. Looks like somebody could use a little arrow of sunshine.\nCartman: And you! I should have never believed in you!\nButters: In... In who, Eric?\nCartman: [grabs the imaginary cupid] I never wanna see you again! [hurls it into his closet door. It flies low. Cartman gets out of bed, grabs a bat that's conveniently leaning against his bedroom door, and bashes the cupid over and over] Take! Your sunshine! And fuckin'! Die! [puts the bat up against the door and crawls back into bed. Butters takes Cartman's hand again and Cartman resumes crying]\nScene Description: The park, late afternoon. Token is sitting alone on the park bench. Kyle walks by and notices him there. A few seconds later, he walks up.\nKyle: Hey man. You okay?\nToken: Yeah.\nKyle: [sits next to him] What happened? It just didn't work out?\nToken: Yeah, I guess.\nKyle: So, you guys are totally broken up then? It's... It's done?\nToken: [long sigh] Yeah.\nKyle: [scratches his head behind the ear] So then, she's gonna be seeing other people? Is she, sort of, available?\nToken: Yeah, we're through.\nKyle: Sooo, theoretically, if someone was to step in, it would beee, okayyy?\nToken: [getting the wrong idea] I'm sorry Kyle. I like girls. [gets off the bench and walks away]\nKyle: Huh? [suddenly remembers] Dude, what the fuck?\nScene Description: Cartmans house, afternoon. Cartman is in the living room watching TV in the dark, wrapped in a blanket and eating chocolate fudge ice cream.\nAnnouncer: We'll be back with more of the Jeffersons right after this.\nScene Description: Commercial. A businessman finishes his work day.\nMan: [leaves his office] I work hard, so I need a laxative that works hard too! [walks off. Next he's on the ground floor] I can't be constipated on the job. [stops and holds up a box] That's why I need... Soft Serve. [at a tennis court. He serves] Because when I'm constipated, sometimes even a hard push isn't enough. [Cartman's interest is aroused. In the commercial the man is heading for the restroom. Another businessman comes out and the first one stops him] Don't give up. Get back in there and get to work! [now trying to poop in the toilet] 'Cause when the going gets tough, the tough gets going!\nCartman: That's right... That's right! [runs up to his room, goes into his closet and digs through his stuff until he finds the shoe box he put Cupid Me into after whacking him almost to death. He takes off the lid] Ohhh. [Cupid Me is shown laying face down battered and bruised, with a dry blood stream still near his mouth] I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. Please come back. I know I got a little angry but... I believe in you. Do you hear me? I believe in you.\nCupid Me: No, you don't.\nCartman: Yes, I do, Cupid Me. Love is the bestest feeling in the world. I believe you can change everything.\nCupid Me: No, you don't. [opens its right eye for a second]\nCartman: Please, I can't do this alone. They need us. And I need you. My little flicker of twinkle stars. [tickles the cupid]\nCupid Me: Teehee, stop it.\nCartman: Come on, twinkle stars, we got work to do.\nCupid Me: Teeheehee, teeheeheehee, [flies out of the box] teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee.\nScene Description: Nichole's house, day. Cartman pounds on her door, and her father William answers.\nCartman: Hi, can I speak to Nichole please? It's very important.\nWilliam: I'm sorry, but she's at the Denver Nuggets game.\nCartman: Denver Nuggets game?\nWilliam: Yeah, she went with a nice white, Jewish boy.\nCartman: [dolly zoom] NOOOOOOO! [runs away quickly]\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center, around 7 pm. The bleachers are filled with cheering fans waiting for the game to begin.\nAnnouncer: Welcome to today's matchup between the Denver Nuggets and the Los Angeles Clippers. [the starting five from both teams take the court. A vendor hands Kyle two drinks, one of which he gives to Nichole. They look at each other fondly and take sips from their sodas.] And now, here to sing the National Anthem, country music star Brad Paisley. [he stands at center court and waves as a spotlight shines on him]\nBrad Paisley: O! say can you see by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, Whose broad stripes and bright stars- [As Brad sings, Kyle and Nichole look at each other and smile, then look at Brad. Nichole notices someone clear across the center. It's Token, with Craig and Clyde. Token still has a heavy heart, keeping his eyes focused on the floor while Craig and Clyde smile. Kyle looks at Nichole, who's still surprised to see Token there, and grins at her. She looks back at Kyle and smiles.]\nScene Description: Outside, a tour bus drops Cartman off near the center and Cartman runs for it.\nCartman: Nooooooo!\nScene Description: Inside.\nAnnouncer: Nuggets fans, please direct your attention to center court and the president of Halitosis Kidz. [she's shown on the MegaTron waving to the spectators behind four men who are holding a Halitosis Kidz banner], who invites you to join the Denver Nuggets in the fight against morbid halitosis in children. [POV change from MegaTron to center court] Here to attempt a three-point shot for adolescents with terminally bad breath is [two of the men leave with the banner and an obese girl steps forward] the poster child for Halitosis Kidz, Stacy Muleburg. [the two other men cover their noses with their Denver team jackets as one of them hands Stacy the ball. She rushes up and throws the ball, but it's a brick] And a good try. [the two Denver men, two cameramen, the announcer, and the HK president all gather round her]\nStacy: Aaahahahaaaa.\nAdults: Awww! [they all back away as fast as they can. The spectators clap for the effort. Kyle and Nichole clap as well]\nCartman: [running into the center] NOOOOOOO! [triggers an alarm]\nGuard: Tickets please.\nCartman: No time! NOOOOOOO!\nAnnouncer: We're all set for the tipoff. [The ball is thrown into the air and a Clipper tips the ball. A Nugget - Arron Afflalo - grabs it and the game begins. Afflalo throws it to JaVale McGee for an alley-oop, and McGee makes the first shot. The crowd cheers]\nCartman: Attention! Attention please! [Kyle and Nichole are surprised to hear his voice. Cartman is on the MegaTron] This is a message for all of you out there who have just ended a relationship. Sometimes, love is hard. But you can't just run away from it. When you start to have something special you have to work at it! [Token is surprised to see Cartman there too, but Craig and Clyde are unfazed] Even though it might seem like the world is against you, you still have to hold on! With both hands! [Nichole begins to take this in] Don't let society dictate who you can and can't be with. Kyle, I love you babe. You can run all you want, try to pretend you like girls, but damnit, when we kiss there's magic! Don't let it go, Kyle. [Kyle is getting pissed off]\nCrowd: Awwwww. [everyone looks at Kyle]\nCartman: I want to hold you every morning and love you every night, Kyle. I promise you nothing but love and happiness. I swear by the moon and the stars and the sky [Cartman and Kyle are paired on the MegaTron and the lovecam is activated - a heart appears over their images, Cartman on the left, Kyle on the right] I'll be there, Kyle I swear [Crowd: \"Awwww.\" Kyle tries to push it all away] like the shadow that's by your side Kyle, swear to God I'll be there. For better or worse [Brad appears: \"better or worse\"], till death do us part [Brad: \"death do us part\"] I'll love you with [Cartman and Brad] every gay beat of my heart!\nBrad: I swear, Kyle.\nCartman: I swear, Kyle. [the crowd erupts in applause, as do the players. Kyle leaves his seat, steaming mad]\nNichole: Where are you going?\nKyle: That fat turd up there is the one who set up you and Token 'cause he thinks blacks belong together! [walks away]\nNichole: He did that? Oh no.\nCartman: Thank you! Thank you all. That's all I wanted to say. That and... The Bat-Mobile's outside. [now with urgency] Seriously you guys, you gotta see it. It's the Bat-Mobile! It's outside.\nSpectator: What? [leaves his seat. Soon everyone is leaving the center, including the players from both teams. Token and Nichole find themselves looking at each other just outside the bleachers]\nNichole: Token. Hey.\nToken: Hi.\nNichole: Token, I'm so sorry. I thought you were only with me because I'm black.\nToken: I'm sorry too. I wouldn't even talk to you at first because you were black. [they turn aside for a moment to avoid each other]\nBoth: Do you think we could... Do you still want to... [they smile at each other]\nNichole: Maybe we can give it another try?\nToken: There are still people who will look at us funny. And think we're supposed to be together.\nNichole: Let them look. I don't care.\nToken: I don't care, either. [Cartman has a camera trained on them, while he takes up the whole screen on the MegaTron, praying for this to work out]\nNichole: I just think you're a great person. The color of your skin doesn't matter.\nToken: YAY! [they run to each other and hug each other]\nCartman: Oh my gohhhd, so cute! [runs out of the control room. Cupid Me appears]\nCupid Me: Teeheehee, a place for everything, and everything in its place.\nCartman: That's right, Cupid Me. People who are the same belong together.\nCupid Me: That's right, and I found somebody who's just the same as you!\nCartman: Really?!\nCupid Me: There she is! [points to Stacy, who turns around and growls at Cartman, showing her rotten teeth]\nCartman: What?! Fuck you, Cupid Me!\nCupid Me: Teeheeheeheehee, fuck you! [gives him the finger and then goes and shoots some arrows onto Stacy's face. Stacy's pupils become hearts]\nCartman: Hey, stop it!\nStacy: Haaagh! [Cartman spins around and runs. Stacy gives chase]\nCartman: Nooo!\nStacy: Haahahaagh!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. A Goodyear blimp hovers over the packed stadium. The broncos face off against another team.\nDan: [describing the action on the field] Artonius Jackson catches the ball [Jackson makes his way around a group of players], he's running down the sideline- [Jackson gets tackled to the ground by #48] Oh!\nScene Description: the Marsh house. Randy, drinking some Smores beer, has the fourth graders over so they can study the game.\nRandy: BOHHHHH! Did you see that hit? BOOOOM!\nDan: Jackson stops at the 45 and he is slow to get up. [once he's up, he dusts himself off.]\nRandy: That was a great hit boys. Remember that at practice tomorrow.\nCommentator: Yeah, Jackson took a real shot and... [Jackson dusts himself off and turns around] well I'm not sure what he's doing now, but uh, it appears as if he's looking for his keys, Dan.\nDan: Yeah, and that doesn't make a lot of sense, because ever since his concussion in '06, he doesn't even have a license.\nCommentator: Coach Martin is coming over to tell him that now, but Jackson appears to think he's in a car driving home. [the coach tries to get his attention]\nDan: Well, during this time out we're happy to be joined by the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Commissioner, a lot of hoopla about concussions this year in the NFL. How's the league handling all that?\nGoodell: Well, there certainly are interesting statistics coming out, Dan, and we are deeply concerned, anduh and waiting to see if there's... really any direct correlation between football and head trauma.\nDan: Oh, and it looks like some of the MFL alumni are takin' the field now. There's All-Pro safety Martin Gregors [fat, but the most lucid of the alumni. He stops and waves to the crowd], and fullback Jim Harris. Looks like his pants are down around his ankles. [Harris stops and waves]\nCommentator: Somebody should let him know. Oh, and Old Surehand Mike Tafthill [a black alumnus who's stooped and walking slowly holding an imaginary tray], who seems to be baking an imaginary cake, Dan.\nDan: Yeah, not sure if that's meant to be a cake or, or perhaps a, a loaf of bread, but he definitely thinks he's baking something.\nButters: Boy, I just don't get football. Guess that's why I suck at it.\nStan: You don't suck at football, Butters, you suck at all sports.\nButters: That's true. Old Eric tells me I should work at a Thai massage parlor, I'm so good at sucking.\nCartman: That's right, Butters.\nDan: And with that the Browns are ready to kick it off back to the Broncos\nRandy: All right all right, here we go boys! Watch them on the kickoff, all right? Special teams are the most important plays.\nKyle: We don't have kickoffs anymore. [only the TV is heard for a few seconds]\nRandy: [looks at Kyle] Huh?\nStan: The school said they're the most dangerous plays, so they don't have us do 'em anymore.\nRandy: [stands up as his eyes widen to saucers] Wait wait wait, wait. Whoa! What! The! FUCK?!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, night. The parents and teachers are gathered in the library for a PTA meeting\nPrincipal Victoria: [flanked by Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey] Okay, before we get started with this PTA meeting, does anyone have any outstanding issues?\nRandy: Yeah, I'd like to talk about this genius new rule in the football program about no kickoffs?\nMr. Mackey: Uh, yes, we've decided to go without kickoffs because of the concerns raised over concussions, m'kay?\nRandy: [becoming sarcastic] Oh yeah, we don't want our kids getting hurt playing football! But I think I have a way to make it even better! Why don't we have the players just wear bras?!\nMr. Adler: Bras?\nRandy: Yeah, the players should all wear bras! And instead of helmets, they should wear little tinfoil hats, 'cause, you know, it's the future and we shouldn't be so barbaric! [other parents look at each other and whisper amongst themselves]\nLinda: How would the bras and tinfoil hats make it safer?\nRandy: Oh, you're all not getting it! See, while we're at it, we'll have a balloon instead of a ball, and whoever catches the balloon tries to run while all the other players hug!\nMr. Mackey: Huh. You, you, think the students would like that?\nRandy: Oh they'd love it! A sport where safety is all that matters? How about we call it \"sarcastaball\"?!\nMr. Mackey: Mmkay, would, would you mind being the coach of the South Park sarcastaball team?\nRandy: [angry that no one is with him on this - that is, that no one has caught on to his sarcasm] Jesus Christ! Yes, I would love to be the coach of the sarcastaball team!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary football field, day. And lo and behold, there's Randy as the coach, not something he was hoping for last night. Eleven boys are present, with Butters leading one team and Cartman the other. Butters does the kickoff to Cartman's team, and DogPoo catches it. The opposing players now hug each other. Stan and Kyle hug, and Stan looks at Randy\nStan: Dad, do we really have to wear bras?\nRandy: Yes Stan, this is what people want! Don't worry, you look really cool. [thumbs up]\nButters: I got the balloon, Coach Marsh. Err, what should I do with it?\nRandy: Oh, you know, try to get it into the end zone, but be really polite about it.\nButters: Okay! Hey, hey, heh excuse me. Pardon me. Heh, [passing Clyde and Kevin] you guys look terrific. Wow, this game is great!\nPrincipal Victoria: [walks up to Randy] How's it going, coach?\nRandy: How's it going? Awesome! Nobody's getting hurt and the kids are learning valuable life lessons! 'Cause hugging and safety are what the world is all about!\nPrincipal Victoria: So you're happy with these changes?\nRandy: Happy? I'm thrilled! Look at how much better this is!\nPrincipal Victoria: [surveys the situation and decides to leave] Okay. [The boys are still hugging each other and Randy blows his whistle]\nScene Description: News 4 Special Report\nAnchor: Is football safe for your kids? Concerned Parent Randy Marsh says \"No,\" and has started a movement to reform the sport, gathering followers by the hundreds.\nScene Description: A rally at the park. Randy continues being sarcastic, but no one catches on.\nRandy: Oh, this is good! Nice for you all to turn out in record numbers to show your support for sarcastaball! [the crowd waits a second, then applauds] Yeah, yeah, we're, we're through with our kids getting knocked on the ground and tackled! Let's make sarcastaball the official school sport nationwide! [the crowd applauds and cheers] Go on, pat yourselves on the back! [and so the crowd members turn and pat each other on the back]\nAnchor: Showing just how much one concerned parent can do, Marsh then found himself in front of the leaders of Washington.\nRandy: [addressing Congress] Yeah, yeah! Let's do that! We got the economy in the toilet, a big election coming up, but this country's number one priority should be making football safer! [Congress applauds. The President and his wife are present, and clap with Congress.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, boys' locker room. The team is suiting up, with bras and tinfoil hats the last items to go on. DogPoo walks in\nKyle: [removes his bra and throws it to the floor] This is ridiculous! Are we really going to go out there and play North Park like this?!\nClyde: I can't even remember if we're supposed to hug the fullback or compliment him. I'm so confused.\nStan: This game is stupid. I have no idea how to go out on the field and be as nice as I can to the other team!\nCartman: Yeah, you know what? [removes his bra and throws it to the floor] Screw this!\nButters: Hey, whoa! Well I can't believe what I'm hearing! [silence] We've been practicing and gettin' ready for this game, and you fellas just wanna quit?!\nKyle: We don't even understand how this game is played.\nButters: This great game isn't about plays. It's about sportsmanship. And compassion. And when I look around this locker room, well I see some of the nicest, most compassionate guys I've ever met! [walks up to Token] Well Token, you're nicer than anybody I know. [walks up to Clyde] And Clyde! Well you give better hugs than anyone out on that field!\nCartman: That's true.\nButters: Are we just gonna let North Park walk away with a victory because we think they know how to be nicer than us? [stands on a bench] Bein' nice is about what's inside you! When your enemy is nice to you, you just be nice right back! And if they give you two balloons, well you give them three!\nClyde, Kenny: Yeah.\nButters: And when they try an-and thank you for those balloons, you say \"Ah I don't need any thanks! I did it 'cause it was the right thing to do!\" And then you give them a smile!\nBoys: Yeah!\nButters: And when that other team tries to cover you, well that's when you gotta reach deep down. Right down to your creamy center. Well that place, well that place inside of you where, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits and you just gotta use that and be the nicest, most compassionate player you've ever been, and let the world know that we will not fall down so easy!\nBoys: [jumping up and down] Yeah! Yeah!\nCartman: [puts his bra back on] Let's do this. [turns his back towards Stan] Stan, hook up my bra.\nScene Description: NFL press conference. Roger Goodell is at the podium\nGoodell: As commissioner of the NFL, I am so thrilled to see our nation's youth embrace sarcastaball over traditional football. Oh, but why stop there? Since football is so barbaric, we should change too. So let's give a biiig welcome to the new coach of the Denver Broncos, Randy Marsh. [Randy gets applause from the audience as he rises. Goodell shakes Randy's hand] Congratulations, Marsh. Good job!\nRandy: Oh thank you, commissioner! I'm thrilled to be a part of this! Thanks!\nGoodell: Nice going!\nRandy: Yeah, no, you nice going! [they're still shaking hands]\nPhotographer: Hey guys, how about a nice fucking picture to welcome in the future of sports? [click]\nScene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night.\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the inaugural game of the National Sarcastaball League! As we bring you today's matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Oakland Raiders.\nRandy: Yeah, lookin' good, guys! Let's kick some butt! [crosses his arms]\n#24: Give them hell, coach! Lovin', not shovin'!\nRandy: Oh yeah, good one! [the crowd begins to cheer the teams]\nAnnouncer: And now, here are your Denver Whoop de fucking do girls!\nCheerleaders: Woo! Woo!\nCheerleader 1: Go Broncos! Go!\nCheerleader 2: Whoop de fuckin' do!\nAnnouncer: And now, here to sing the sarcastaball anthem, recording artist, Cee-Lo!\nCee Lo Green:: I love sarcastaball It's so much better than football I'm so glad they got rid of violence in sports 'Cause sarcastaball is so super fun to watch\nFan 1: Woo! Nice job, Cee-Lo! Good to see you on TV some more!\nFan 2: Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit songs!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. The boys are walking to class. Kenny's not around, and Clyde and Craig join them\nKyle: Dude, what do you mean \"We don't have a coach.\"?\nStan: Look, I'm sorry guys, my dad said he's too busy with the Broncos. He doesn't have time for us.\nKyle: But our big game with Lakewood is Saturday!\nStan: [stops and faces his friends] I'm sorry. My dad is taking professional sarcastaball really seriously.\nClyde: Well, we might as well call up Lakewood and tell 'em we forfeit. [looks down at the floor]\nKyle: We can't.\nClyde: [somewhat cross] We don't have a coach, Kyle.\nCartman: Who needs a coach? We have Butters.\nButters: Huh?\nCraig: Hey yeah.\nStan: [walks up to Butters] The guys are right. From now on, you're team captain, Butters. You lead us to victory.\nButters: Oh jeez n-no, I I don't know, fellas.\nCartman: Butters, you understand this game better than anybody.\nButters: Yeah, but I uh, I I can't be team captain. I... Well I suck at everything.\nStan: Not at this you don't! What about that creamy filling you talked about? That gooey goodness inside you that makes you the butteriest Butters we know?\nButters: 'At's in there. It's overflowing sometimes. [sticks out his tongue a bit]\nKyle: [steps in] We need you, Butters. You're the man! [Butters begins to feel the anticipation]\nScene Description: Butters' bedroom, night. He's in bed asleep, and a dream sequence begins. He's first hoisted up by his teammate and tossed up in the air...\nThe Team: Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters!\nScene Description: Next he's driving a new red sports car down the street and a crowd of fangirls call out to him as he passes by.\nFangirls: Butters, rah, Butters!\nA Fangirl: I love you, Butters!\nButters: [stops his car and looks at the girls] I love you too, ladies. [blows them a kiss]\nScene Description: Next he's at an ice cream parlor with Wendy, in a booth with access from both ends.\nWendy: [to Butters' left] Oh Butters, you know how I feel about the captain of sports teams.\nRed: [slides in to Butters' right] Leave him alone, Wendy! He's mine! [they each take a cheek and plant a big kiss on him.]\nButters: Woohoohoohoohoo!\nScene Description: all the excitement in his dreams wakes him up\nButters: Wuh wuuuhhh wuh! [sits up] Wha? Wha? Oh. [smiles, Then looks under the covers] Ohhh... Daaad! It happened again. [the door opens and Stephen steps in] More of my creamy goo came out. [Stephen sits on the bed]\nStephen: Oh. Well uh, that's okay Butters. Remember what we talked about. Sometimes our happy, creamy filling just gets soo full it comes out at night.\nButters: [excitedly] I was havin' happy dreams, about a girl and-!\nStephen: All right Butters, let's... it's happy feelings, let's just not talk about it.\nButters: Okay Dad! [Stephen gets up and walks out, and Butters opens up the top drawer of his night stand. He pulls out a small bottle, gets comfortable again, and collects up all the cream] Oh! Save that, for later. [puts a cap on the bottle]\nScene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. It's game time, and the Broncos face the Steelers... in sarcastaball uniforms\nAnnouncer: The score is zero to zero as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.\nCheerleader 1: Go Broncos, Go.\nDan: Manning has the ball. He's saying some really great things about the other team. Manning met by LaMarr Woodley. He's giving the balloon to Woodley. The referee comes in. [the ref blows his whistle and raises his arms] Oh, the referee is calling that a touchdown! Oh wait, now another official is signalling that's a safety!\nRandy: [clapping slowly] Oh yeah, nice going, replacement refs!\nDan: They're gonna have to sort this one out with a side judge. [the judge looks at the replay monitor, then looks at the field]\nSide Judge: Fuck it, it's a fucking field goal!\nRandy: YEAH! [pumps his fist] YEAH! WOO!\nScene Description: Post-game conference. The press is there taking pictures of Randy as he enters the room. Randy stops and grins at everyone\nReporter 1: Coach, three to nothing victory over the Steelers. You must feel like a reeeal winner.\nRandy: Yeah, well, the other team was just so awesome on offense I was really scared. [covers his chest with his hands]\nReporter 1: Coach Belichick says, [reads from a small notepad] \"No way we can beat the Broncos. They've had the same coach for almost a day.\"\nRandy: Oh yeah, I'm just the guy who invented sarcastaball! There's no way I'd know how to coach it!\nReporter 2: Guess we'll find out on Sunday.\nRandy: ...Yeah... [the press leaves and Randy begins to think about next week]\nScene Description: The Broncos' locker room. While the players change into street clothes, Randy enters the room\nRandy: All right guys, listen up! Forget about the day off, we need to practice tomorrow.\nBroncos: D'awwwww!\nManning: Practice on Monday after a victory? Great!\nRandy: That's good, Peyton, but we need to get better.\nManning: Practice on Monday? That's just what I wanna do!\nRandy: That's IT! [claps approvingly]\nScene Description: Butters' house, afternoon. His doorbell rings and he answers\nCartman: Hey Butters, you got a minute?\nButters: Wuh sure, Eric. [Cartman walks in and Butters closes the door]\nCartman: I don't now what to do. Kids are starting to make fun of me because, I'm no good at sarcastaball. I suck at being nice and polite. I'm so good at sucking I should work at a Thai massage parlor.\nButters: Uh-uh oh, no E-Eric, you're, why you're a great player.\nCartman: No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters.\nButters: Oh, well, ye-Eric, ah I told you: everyone has a creamy filling inside them, where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from. Oh, didn't your dad ever tell you that?\nCartman: ...I don't have a dad.\nButters: ...Oh right, I, I'm sorry. Well, everyone has a creamy filling, Eric. And and some people have so much of that filling that it, that it comes out sometimes. A lot of times, when I go to sleep, and especially if I've had them wonderful dreams that make me feel really good, sometimes I wake up, and when I wake up, I I realize some of my goo has come out. [remembers looking at his groin and saying \"Oh jeez, there's a lot this time.\"] But I always make sure I keep it, just in case I ever run out of all my sunshine happy feelings.\nCartman: You save it all?\nScene Description: Butters' room, moments later. Butters opens up one of the sliding doors to his closet\nButters: My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it. [before them is a wall of semen samples that Butters has been collecting for over a year now. Another shot shows that he's going on two years' worth of semen, with shelves of it on the other two walls]\nCartman: Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else?\nButters: I don't know. Weh I never really thought of it that way. [Cartman takes a bottle and chugs it down, then analyzes the flavor]\nCartman: Hm, it's kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor.\nButters: Do you feel warm and compassionate?\nCartman: [analyzes some more...] Holy shit I think I do.\nScene Description: Rome, on CBS Sports Network. Jim Rome appears with his fingers forming a steeple, and with a standalone TV monitor to his left. A balloon appears, with SARCASTABALL shown above it\nJim Rome: Welcome back to Rome. We're gonna talk some sarcastaball. I can't wait. I can't wait to talk sarcastaball because it's really compelling. [Randy Marsh appears on the monitor via satellite from his den] Joining me now is the coach of the Denver Broncos and the inventor of sarcastaball, Randy Marsh. Thanks for calling in, Randy. Really happy to have you on the show.\nRandy: Yeah, it's awesome to be on your show.\nJim Rome: Randy, first off, thanks for taking the sports that we all love and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare. Way to go.\nRandy: Thanks, Jim. 'Cause it's totally what I intended. You know, when I came up with the idea I was sure it was gonna end up like this.\nJim Rome: Well it certainly makes for an exciting game. How about last night's nail-biter that ended zero to zero? That's a game I wanna watch twice. That's a game I wanna watch four times. Check that: I'll watch that game... five times. [POV switch to Randy's den] Good luck on Sunday. I'm sure that'll be another game that I could watch... twelve times. Check that: thirteen times.\nRandy: Thanks Jim. [closes the satellite link and switches to a window about sarcastaball strategies and starts working on them. Sharon walks in]\nSharon: Randy, aren't you gonna come join your family for dinner?\nRandy: Oh yeah, I've totally got time to do that, Sharon! In fact, how about I go downstairs and make a four-course meal for all of you? Check that: a seven-course meal?\nSharon: Randy, something's happened. Are you un-able to stop being sarcastic?\nRandy: Oh, right! I can't stop being sarcastic now!\nSharon: I'm telling you, Randy, I think this sport is doing something to your brain.\nRandy: Right, it's doing something to my brain! And now I can't stop being sarcastic!\nSharon: Do you mean that?\nRandy: Yes! I totally mean it! [breaks down and begins to tear up] Help me, Sharon. Help me.\nScene Description: Football night at South Park Elementary. The South Park Cows are playing North Park. South Park throws off and the two teams go at each other for hugs.\nButters: All right, first string, cover those wideouts. Tell 'em how much you like their outfits! Clyde, Token! Hug those two players and give their quarterback a kiss. [Cartman approaches North Park's #7 and knocks him down. A referee sees this, blows his whistle and walks over to the two players]\nSpectators: Awwwwww!\nStan: Cartman, you idiot!\nButters: Stay positive, Stan! All right guys, cuddle up, cuddle up! [the team huddles - er, cuddles up and Butters continues.] Now what is goin' on out there?\nCartman: That kid is provoking us! He's saying mean things to try and piss us off.\nClyde: Yeah. We need more of your mojo, Butters.\nButters: Oh, all right. Well all right, here you go. [Butters passes bottles of his semen around to the other boys, and they all drink the bottles down]\nScene Description: A hospital, day. Randy is in for a CT scan. He's on the tray and slowly goes in head first. His head is scanned and he's soon rolled out of the scanner. Results come in and are posted on an easel in a doctor's office for the doctor to peruse.\nDoctor: Uh hum. Mmm. [turns towards Randy and Sharon] I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but there appears to be permanent damage.\nRandy: [dejected] Oh boy, this is great! My week just keeps getting better.\nSharon: How do we fix this, doctor?\nDoctor: You don't. I'm sorry, there... just isn't enough research in how sarcasm affects the brain.\nRandy: So that's it. [gets up and walks around] I should just go home and forget about what this sport has done to me. Let thousands of people play sarcastaball and get hurt too! [points to the doctor]\nDoctor: Oh, really? You, you think there's a correlation between sarcasm and sarcastaball? [gets into a thinking mode] Really? [rolls his eyes] That's fascinating. Please, go on.\nRandy: No, sarcastaball has nothing to do with it. I just... I just really enjoy being sarcastic and so I must be finding an excuse.\nDoctor: You know, I have a 50-year-old Alzheimer's patient out in the waiting room who can't even remember his family, but... let's forget about him and focus on how sarcastaball might be damaging people's brains.\nRandy: My son is out there playing that game! It's heartwarming to see you have such high regard for his safety!\nDoctor: Okay, well I've got a better idea. Let's get all the funding for cancer research and genetic diseases, let's, let's take all that money and make commercials that say \"Hey America, sarcasm might not be such a great thing for your brain.\"\nRandy: Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much! [turns left and leaves, and Sharon is thoroughly confused. She looks around]\nScene Description: A commercial\nJim Rome: Jim Rome here. Hey, I love sarcastaball just as much as the next guy, but sometimes it's so thrilling I need an extra burst of energy to get me through a game. That's when I reach for a bottle of this. [holds up a small bottle, now in mass production] Butters' Creamy Goo. [the commercial follows]\nVoice-over: [#18 runs with the balloon] You play hard. You need a sports drink that gives you that extra boost. [a split screen appears, with windows for football, basketball, women's soccer, and hockey] Sports these days are all about being nice, so take your game to the next level [#18 opens up a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo and drinks it]. With Butters' Creamy Goo. [a cyclist opens a bottle and drinks it. Some of it splatters on his face] You'll be filled with feelings of good tidings and be nicer than a ray of sunshine. [a round window expands and Butters pops in through it]\nButters: Like me!\nJim Rome: Get with it, and get the Goo!\nVoice-over: Butters' Creamy Goo is chock full of all the essentials an athlete needs. Commitment! Compassion! And Comradery! And now it's available in quart size!\nTom Brady: When I get hot and tired, only one thing can boost my compassion. [drinks it down and keeps it there with some effort. A goo mustache stays on his upper lip] Now I'm back in the game! [Two players carry a bucket of goo and dump it on their coach.]\nSinger: Go and chug a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo!\nVoice-Over: [an open bottle of it falls right side up to the grass and some goo spills out] Best served just above room temperature.\nScene Description: A night game, with South Park against another team\nButters: 42! Red 13! Sunshine and happy thoughts! Sunshine and happy thoouughts! HUT! [Cartman tosses the balloon back at him, and the players move forward. Butters backs up for a pass and throws the balloon up. The other team's player, #9, is ready] Oh no, that kid's gonna intercept it! [#9 catches it and grins] Good job, kid! [an SUV rools onto the field, crushing #9 before it stops. The balloon bounces away unscathed. Randy is shown driving the SUV, with Sharon in tow]\nRandy: STAN?! Stan! [the players break their hugs and look at Randy]\nStan: Dad?\nRandy: [runs with Sharon towards him] Get in the car, Stan! We're going home!\nStan: What?\nSharon: We're sorry, Stanley, we don't want you playing this sport anymore.\nMr. Mackey: Hey, get off the field! M'kay?! [Randy walks to the sideline to address the crowd]\nRandy: Everyone! Everyone, listen! There's something you all need to know about sarcastaball. It turns out... it's totally safe. [a lot of fans have bought bottles of Butters' Creamy Goo] Yeah, it's super safe! It's like so safe that we should have every kid play it-ugh! [gets a headache] Oh! Sorry, sorry. Hang on. Gotta not be so sarcastic. Ahem, let me try that again. Listen everyone... if you let your kids play sarcastaball, you're a fucking genius! Ogh!.. Gyugh! Cut, sorry. Let me try this again. [clears his throat again] Look, what I'm trying to say is, we should have like, 10 sarcastaball leagues, because then everyone-! Would- [stomps his right foot in anger] God damn it!\nSharon: Stanley, just get your things and come on. We're going home!\nStan: Whoa, whoa, you can't, you can't tell me what to do!\nRandy: Yeah, we're your parents! We can't tell you what to do!\nSharon: Don't you see what this sport has done to your father? Do you want to end up like him?\nStan: Oh, right, like he doesn't exaggerate every disease he gets!\nSharon: [stunned at the sarcasm coming from Stan] Ohohh, Randy, it's happening! [cries and turns towards Randy for a hug, which he gives]\nButters: [walks up and stands next to Stan] Mr. Marsh, listen. I know you care about your son, but he's a heck of a player! He's good at tickling, laughing, and getting along.\nRandy: Look, the point has been made, okay?! I'm warning you, being this sarcastic is dangerous!\nStan: We're not being sarcastic, Dad! Is it so hard to believe that we really enjoy a sport that has no violence? Is it so hard for you to believe that when Butters says \"Competitiveness can be compassionate,\" he's being completely sincere?\nRandy: I don't see how anyone could play this game with any sincerity.\nCartman: That's because you're too grumpy and negative to believe it. What you need... is a sports drink that can boost your levels of caring and goodness.\nStan: Yeah Dad. You need some of this. [walks forward and gives him a small bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo. Randy takes it and opens it, looking at the contents, then drinks it]\nRandy: ...[deadpans] This is cum. [everyone's jaws drop]\nScene Description: Butters' room, night. Stephen and Linda are in the room, and just outside are Sheila, Randy, Stuart, and Liane.\nStephen: And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters is on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean YOU need to take it to \"Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?\"! Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?!\nButters: What's sarcasm and what's cum?\nStephen: We'll talk about that when you're older.\nRandy: Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football. [all the adults leave, with Stephen closing the door behind him. Butters sighs, then gets under his covers for the night. As he drifts off to sleep, we get this voice-over]\nJim Rome: Welcome back to Rome. Some of you might have seen me on TV last night. Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen. Turns out a little kid was just bein' sarcastic. That kid's probably grounded for a month. Check that: I'm sure he's grounded for two months. And a week. Football needs to be made safer, so why don't we have players in bras drinking semen? Yeah, that's a fastball right there. That's a real stroke of philosophic genius! More little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football, and I don't know what else to say but \"So long, sarcastaball, it was nice knowin' you.\" Let's just hope nothin' like this ever happens again. Probably won't. Not for another year. Check that: couple of days.\nButters: [wakes up and gasps] DAD! Hey, Dad!\nStephen: [walks in] What?\nButters: My wiener is all stiff and pointy!\nStephen: Oh, well, Butters, that's just the friendly compass. See, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. It's pointing up because Jesus is your friend.\nButters: Thanks, Dad."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Wall-Mart, night. The boys are in the sporting goods section if the store. Kenny looks at bats while Cartman looks at gloves. Stan and Kyle look at other things across the aisle.\nStan: You find a good catcher's mitt, Cartman?\nCartman: [looks over his left shoulder] Dude, how come when we play baseball I always have to be the catcher? [looks at the gloves again]\nKyle: Well, because you got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fucking fat.\nCartman: [turns left to address Kyle] I'm not fat, Kyle.\nKyle: Right, you're not fat.\nCartman: Dude, I'm not fat! I don't drive around on a mobility scooter like that bitch! [they see a scooter rolls past them with an obese man on it]\nStan: Whoa duude!\nKyle: Jesus Christ, you can't even walk down an aisle to get your candy? [another obese man rolls up behind them]\nObese man: Excuse me. [They just look up at him] Excuse me! [they part the aisle for him - Stan, Cartman and Kenny take the side with the gloves on it, Kyle takes the other side,]\nCartman: See what I mean? You can't even walk around a Wall-Mart anymore without getting run over by some fat dick on a Rascal.\nKyle: Why do they even allow those things in stores?\nStan: They don't just allow them, they have them available at the front. [Indeed, a small fleet of them are available for rent, at $19.99 each. They're labeled as electric wheelchairs. Obese people are in line as one after another of them rents a Rascal. The boys turn a corner to have a look at the Rascals as they're being rented]\nKyle: You've gotta be kidding me!\nCartman: [eyes some Oreos and goes for them] Oh my God you guys, look at this! [grabs a box and reads it] Candy Corn Oreos. Oreos with candy corn filling. [closes his eyes and looks up joyfully] Holy hell yes!\nKyle: Are you serious?? Look around: doesn't this bother you at all?? [an obese man and an obese woman squeeze past each other in an aisle on their scooters.] That's YOU one day, fatass![Stan and Kenny leave] Not even one day! If you don't change something, that's you! In about a year! [turns and follows Stan and Kenny away. Cartman is left alone with the Oreos and his thoughts]\nObese lady: [rolls up in her Rascal] Are those Candy Corn Oreos?\nCartman: Yeah... Yeah, here you go. [walks over, tosses them into her basket, and walks away with his head down]\nScene Description: Cartman walks through town. He stops by a large window to look at himself, then walks on. Later he shows up at Kyle's house, and Kyle answers the door\nCartman: Hey Kyle, can I come in for a second?\nKyle: Why? [his eyebrows move to odd positions every so often]\nCartman: [walks in] I've been... doing a lot of thinking... about what you said at Wall-Mart. [stops] You're right Kyle. I'm fat. [sighs] All these years you tell me and me saying \"No, I'm big-boned\" or \"no, that's just muscle\"... It was always just me living in denial. I'm fucking fat, Kyle. I'm fucking fat as fucking fuck.\nKyle: Cartman, uh, all I was trying to tell you at Wall-Mart was that you-\nCartman: [turns around] No! It's okay, Kyle... because... I'm not gonna live like some... slug who can't even leave his house 'cause he can't get around. Now that I can admit I'm fat, I decided to finally do something about it. [walks out of the house. Kyle is puzzled. Moments later, Cartman returns on a Rascal and rolls on into Kyle's living room] Sweeeeeeeeeet!\nKyle: [angrily] Oh no!\nCartman: Don't know what took me so long, dude. All I needed was a few extra pounds and the insurance company paid for my own private one! See? It's got a basket on the front for my candy corn Oreos. [begins to ride in a circle around Kyle]\nKyle: You don't need that! Get off of it.\nCartman: [stops] Dude, it's sweet. Did you know they make access for mobility scooters everywhere? I can seriously go from my bed to Wall-Mart and never have to touch the floor, once. [rides away]\nKyle: That's not what I meant by doing something about it, Cartman!\nCartman: [reaches the restroom and tries to get it, but the base is too wide] Hmm. [tries again. Kyle catches up] I can't. [tries again] I can't seem to get into your bathroom, Kyle. [tries again]\nKyle: What??\nCartman: Yeap. No, this is the problem, Kyle. [tries again] You've gotta make your bathroom accessible for my mobility scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house. [tries again]\nKyle: So take a shit somewhere else!\nCartman: That's not the way this country works, Kyle. [tries again] Your bathroom has to be to code for my mobility scooter. [tries again] It's the law.\nGerald: [arrives] What's going on down here?\nCartman: [tries again] Can't seem to be able to take a dump in your house, Mr. Broflovski. Doesn't appear to be handicap-accessible. [tries again] I'll look past it this time, but you'd better get that bathroom up to code of you don't want a lawsuit. [backs out and prepares to leave] Well, I'm off to go try to take a shit at Best Buy, guys. See you, Kyle. [rolls away. Kyle looks on angrily]\nScene Description: Cartman rides through town looking self-satisfied while music plays in the background\nCartman: [\"Nobody understands how embarrassing it is to live with obesity.\" He rides past a couple] Out of the way. Out of the way please. [\"Wherever you go, you're treated differently\" He arrives at a Denny's]\nGreeter: Uhh I guess take that big booth by the window. [Cartman goes towards the booth and grins]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman's soliloquy continues. \"You're made to feel different. To feel like less of a person.\" While the boys are in the gym tossing basketballs at each other, Cartman rides around in the hall outside, grinning all the while. Next, Cartman holds up traffic while riding his Rascal. \"I feel so much shame, all I can do is try to make myself feel a little better by flying to Disneyland on the weekend.\"\nTicket teller: Okay, we're finally gonna start with pre-boarding. Anyone needing special assistance getting on the aircraft- Oh...\nCartman: Coming through. Oh how humiliating. [now at the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland: \"But even at Disneyland I get reminded of my weight.\" He rolls into the short line] Scuse me. Gotta go to the front of the line. Oh what shame I feel. [reaches the front of the line] Oh jeez, look how fat I am. I'm just mortified, you guys. Can't believe I have- [finds a line of other scooter riders in front of him] Ay! The fuck is this?! There's a wait for the Rascal line?! He-hay! That kid in the middle isn't even fat! Look at him! He's got no right to be on a Rascal! You're not fooling anybody asshole! Walk to the back of the line!\nLegless boy: I don't have legs.\nCartman: Yeah, well you got skinny arms! [Later on, Cartman rolls through Cinderella's Castle. \"And then even Disneyland can't take away the shame, as all the people suffering from obesity are ignored. Like, we're invisible.\" A woman's baby carriage gets in the way and she quickly pulls it back as Cartman rolls towards the exits] 'Scuse me. Move it.\nScene Description: A courtroom, day. Cartman has been explaining things to the judge at the witness stand... on his Rascal.\nCartman: And so to go through all that, your honor, to go through all the shame and daily ridicule, and then not to be able to take a simple shit at Best Buy? [chokes up and begins to sob] At Best Buy I'm sorry. [At the defense table sits a Best Buy employee, looking around] To be told by some Best Buy manager that your mobility scooter can't fit in his bathroom? [reaches for a long-handled grip with his left hand, then uses it to take a tissue from the judge's bench. He grabs the tissue with his right hand and lowers the grip, then blows his nose] Oh God, excuse me! It's just so belittling, you know? All I wanted to do was take a dump, your honor. After all I've been through, can't I just take a dump at Best Buy?\nScene Description: News 4 segment.\nAnchor: More lawsuits today as people on mobility scooters claim they have nowhere to poo. Property owners are being ordered to modify their bathrooms, costing taxpayers millions. Opponents of the measure are expressing their outrage by engaging in the act of Rascal tipping.\nObese man 2: [being jostled in his Rascal by a group of boys] Stop it you kids! sto- Oop- Owww.[the boys succeed in tipping him over and the man is on his side unable to get up. The kids laugh and scatter, and the man begins to sound like a pig] Weak! Weak!\nAnchor: The government warns that Rascal tipping can be dangerous, and may lead to fat people shitting their pants as they kick and scream on the floor. To counter the crisis, the Department of Health has called for $25 million in aid, so that all mobility scooters can be fitted with a tip assist device. [The device is shown, and it resembles a telescoping cane]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Two workers are installing the tip assist device on Cartman's Rascal. Cartman is on his Rascal, and they're both on their sides. When the workers finish, he activates the device, which rights him up\nCartman: Oh yeah, it's nice. Yeah, that works pretty well. [facing him is the rest of the fourth grade class]\nKyle: You have got to be kidding me!\nCartman: What, Kyle?! [the device then collapses and puts itself away]\nKyle: We should not be wasting time and money making sure Cartman's fat scooter can't be tipped over!\nCartman: [rolls up to him] You condone Rascal-tipping, Kyle?! Do you know that all over our country people in mobility scooters are being victimized?!\nKyle: So get off your fucking scooters and pick them up!\nCartman: Oh! Oh, did you hear him?! [rolls back to the workers] This is exactly what Adele is talking about! [begins to pace back and forth] Our culture celebrates anorexia and tries to make us ashamed if we don't have slim stomachs and perky little tits like Kyle! [rolls up to Kyle] Well I for one am gonna stop feeling ashamed just because Kyle throws up in the bathroom six times a day [rolls away] to make sure he looks good on his magazine covers! [rolls back up to Kyle] You should be ashamed of YOURself, Kyle! Eating your latkes and gefilte fish and then putting your fingers down your throat because society tells you how to look! [rolls to the far end of the gum] I'm not feeling shamed anymore! From now on, I'm gonna shop sitting down and skip to the front of the lines with my head held high! Just because someone needs a mobility scooter doesn't mean they're an ignorant piece of white trash, Kyle! I may be fat, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo!\nKyle: Who's Honey Boo Boo?\nStan: Dude, you've never seen Honey Boo Boo?\nScene Description: A trophy room. Honey Boo Boo is showing off her trophies from the various beauty pageants she's won\nHoney Boo Boo: My name's Honey Boo Boo and I'm a beauty queen, bitches. [at a pageant, onstage, dressed to win] I'm fat as a whale and I don't give two shits, girl!\nMama: Her favorite foods are sketti and butter, and she likes drinkin' Red Bull and Mountain Dew.\nHoney Boo Boo: [back in her trophy room] I'm only six and I've already had three heart attacks, girlfriend!\nMama: [at a pageant, performs some chest compressions on Honey] Come on! Come on now, Boo Boo! [Honey Boo Boo comes to] Now get up and wave to them judges! [later on, to the camera] We ain't got no shame about our weight, 'cause our weight makes us sassy. [Stan and Kyle are watching the show in Stan's living room. Kyle gets up and walks off]\nKyle: Jesus, dude. W-w-what happened? It's like, something's lowered the bar to the point that nobody feels any shame anymore.\nStan: Well, dude, it's not like the bar is this actual, physical thing.\nScene Description: At sea, day, there's the U.S.S. James Cameron, with James Cameron on the bridge\nJames Cameron: This is it! Throttle down!\nA crewman: [voice only] Throttle down! [Cameron leaves the bridge and goes on deck, putting on a diving suit]\nCrewman 1: Mr. Cameron, you don't have to do this! Why don't you just go back to your house in Malibu? Go work on another movie?\nJames Cameron: I have to do this! I have to try and raise it!\nCrewman 1: The bar isn't something that actually lowers, Mr. Cameron.\nJames Cameron: Then how do you explain all the fat people on mobility scooters? [points at him] How do YOU account for... Honey Boo Boo? The bar has been lowered to depths we can't even fathom. If anyone can go down there and raise it back, it's ME. [puts on some gloves and gets into a bathysphere. He closes the hatch and locks himself in] Let her go! [two workers pull down the release switches in unison. The crane releases the bathysphere and... it hits the deck below. It rolls to one side towards the edge and then drops off. Under the water, as it sinks, Cameron gets to work] UV lights on. Pressure system is normal. Music, on.\nSingers: His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron.\nJames Cameron: Systems are normal. You guys hearing the song okay up there?\nSingers: James (James) Cameron, explorer of the sea\nCrewman 1: Yes, James, we hear the song.\nJames Cameron: Descending to one thousand feet. I don't see the bar yet. Looks like it must have sunk pretty low.\nSingers: With a dying thirst to be the first. Could it be? Yeah it's him. James Cameron.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth grade boys need to use the restroom. Kyle is pounding at the door, which has been locked from inside\nKyle: Come on, hurry it up in there! [inside, a toilet and the two urinals have been removed to make room for the wheelchair-accessible toilet. Cartman rolls up the ramp to get to the toilet]\nCartman: Oh yeah, that's good. That's accessible now. Cool, let me try to take a shit in this real quick. [gets off the Rascal]\nKyle: [starting to fume, steps away from the crowd] This has gone far enough! [the other boys turn to look at him] How can we make people see the difference between being sensitive to obesity and letting fat people walk all over us?!\nToken: Yeah, what we need is something to raise awareness.\nKyle: Yeah! We've gotta raise people's awareness!\nToken: Something like... a documentary. You know, follow Cartman around, with a video camera, and then get all his bullshit on television.\nKyle: Yeah! g'uh... A, a documentary?\nToken: [walks up to Kyle] At least then we'd be voicing our concern. I mean, if you think about it, we should feel some shame for... complaining about it and not doing anything.\nKyle: You, I gu-I guess you're kinda right.\nToken: Hey, tell you what: if you wanna follow Cartman around, and get a video of him, I'll pay to make it into a documentary, and get it on the air.\nKyle: Really? Thanks, dude! I'm gonna go get a video camera! [walks away smiling. Token watches him leave, then walks off in the opposite direction. The rest of the boys go back to waiting at the restroom door. Craig watches Kyle leave, then notices Token and follows him]\nCraig: Hey Token. If you're gonna get Kyle to video that stuff for you, you should probably tell him the truth.\nToken: He doesn't need to know the truth. Kyle will get what he wants, and so will I. [hurries away]\nScene Description: University of Colorado at Boulder. Kyle is there to present his video on obesity. He's onstage before a large audience\nKyle: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic in our country. Obesity is costing taxpayers millions, and some are taking advantage of a system that is flawed. Over the past several days I have filmed such a case, and the shocking video has been edited by my partner, Token. It is our hope that this film will cast light on a serious issue. [clicks on a remote to turn down the lights]\nScene Description: \"Token Blaaaaack Productions.\" Token Black Prod. Presents... a montage.\nToken: [voice over. Cartman is shown rolling down the street] He's chubby, [Cartman is shown at a table with lots of courses for him to go through] he's filthy [Cartman belches], and he's just a little bit nuts. [sideswipes a letter carrier and then gives him the finger] Here he is, America's newest sweetheart, Fatty Doo Doo! [\"Here Comes Fatty Doo Doo\" appears onscreen with a picture of Cartman on his Rascal, with his back to the camera]\nKyle: Fatty Doo Doo?\nScene Description: What appears looks more like a television pilot than a documentary. Cartman is shown going down the street in downtown South Park, then he's crossing the street on his Rascal. A car stops before it hits him. then he's eating chips in the living room on his Rascal. \"The new show by Token black & Kyle Broflovski\" appears, then leaves the screen as Cartman rolls down the school hallway, followed by \"title song by: Randy Newman\"\nScene Description: Randy Newman\nKyle: What?\nScene Description: Cartman rolls through a line of people waiting to buy movie tickets and knocks out Nelly. Then he's back at Wall-Mart getting some other chips. Then he's on the toilet trying very hard to poop. Another shot of him pooping. The crowd begins to laugh at his antics. Next he's at the dining room table waiting for his powdered doughnut pancake surprise. Kyle looks at the audience's reaction, then at the pilot, which now shows Cartman ordering some stuff from the Wendell's drive-through menu. Then it shows Cartman making a beeline for Disneyland\nRandy Newman: Nobody scoots a fatty doo like you do. Scatty foo foo Patty poo poo White president, black president, I don't care. Just scoop me up some doodoo and I'll be right there. I. Only. Know. Five. Chords. Six-\nScene Description: Token's office, nicely appointed. Some loud pounding is heard on the door\nToken: Come in.\nKyle: [enters and approaches the desk] What have you done?\nToken: I helped you make a documentary, Kyle.\nKyle: When we said \"documentary,\" I thought we meant 60 Minutes, not Honey Boo Boo!\nToken: Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television.\nKyle: You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard. Token, you're a good kid. How can you sit there and collect money on a show that's about a, about a fat child killing himself?? Where's your sense of shame??\nToken: [hops off his chair and walks to a window] I can remember... exactly where I was... the first time I saw Honey Boo Boo. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A shameful, fat family eating white trash food to their death. And then I saw what network it was on: The Learning Channel. [turns around and faces Kyle] If they can feel okay about that, why can't I?\nKyle: When the bar gets lowered, Token, we all pay the price. What if Honey Boo Boo was a little black girl? Being fattened up by her mom and talking about grits and hominy?\nToken: But she's not black, Kyle. She's white. [a few seconds of silence] The bar is determined by society, Kyle. And it's not something that can just be raised up. [faces the window again] Not by us, or anyone else.\nScene Description: The bathysphere. Cameron keeps descending\nJames Cameron: You guys seeing this?!\nCrewman 1: Yes, we see, Mr. Cameron.\nJames Cameron: This is where the bar was just a few years ago. It was lowered here when President Clinton got a blow job in the oval office. And suddenly men who were just getting blow jobs in alleyways thought they weren't all that bad. But clearly something else has lowered the bar even more! I must go deeper! We're in the pipe, five by five.\nScene Description: Stan's house, porch. Stan sits on the steps as Kyle paces on the lawn\nKyle: I just don't know what to do. I mean, I hate Cartman with all my heart, but I can't stop feeling ashamed for taking advantage of him. But should I feel ashamed? Oh, whatever lowered the bar is not my fault. So if I kind of go with it, is it really unfair to Cartman?\nStan: I guess not, but... What is it exactly you're trying to do?\nKyle: Just, you know, make some money off him. Like Honey Boo Boo.\nStan: [alarmed, gets up and walks up to Kyle] Dude! Dude, not cool!\nKyle: What?\nStan: Haven't you heard what happened? Honey Boo Boo's heart gave out.\nKyle: [a bit shocked] What? Oh my God.\nStan: Yeah dude. It's really serious.\nScene Description: The Thompson living room. Mama talks to the camera\nMama: Well, the doctor said Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant. They're gonna do a surgery and put a pig heart in her, so, we're going to the ranch to pick out a hog.\nScene Description: In the car, day. Mama and Honey Boo Boo\nHoney Boo Boo: [clapping] I'mm gettin' a piiig heaaart.\nScene Description: At the ranch, day.\nMama: Honey Boo Boo is gonna do pageants with a pig heart, we wanna pick a hog that has pizzazz and knows how to work it, girl!\nHoney Boo Boo: I waunt that one!\nFarmer: This one here? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] You want this one??\nHoney Boo Boo: Yeah! No wait! That pig over there gave me the evil eye! I waunt that one! I waunt [squeezes her eyes closed for a second] that one!\nFarmer: This one? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] this one right here?? Ya waunt this one??\nHoney Boo Boo: I want that one's heart! It looked at me funny!\nScene Description: In the operating room. Mama describes what's going on\nMama: We've been in the OR about two hours already. I just hope when she does her pageants the judges don't take away points 'cause she's got a pig heart. [looks over her shoulder] Honey Boo Boo! [no response] Honey BOO BOO!\nHoney Boo Boo: What?!\nMama: What you gonna tell them judges if they ask you about your heart?\nHoney Boo Boo: I'm gonna tell them \"my heart is sweeter than bacon, child!\" [Mama turns back to the camera and grins]\nScene Description: The Thompson kitchen. Mama is preparing a meal for the family\nMama: Who waunts sketti and butter? [pig noises are heard and the camera pans down to show Honey Boo Boo crawling all over the floor] She got a pig heart an' now she thinks she's a pachyderm. Show 'em your scar!\nHoney Boo Boo: This is myyy scaaar 'cause I got a pig heart. My scar makes me sassy, child! [blows a kiss to the camera]\nScene Description: The bathysphere, deeper now than before.\nJames Cameron: S. S. Cameron? This is James Cameron. I am now at... 16,000 feet. You should see the cold darkness of it all. The isolation and yet awwwe of the sea's magnitude. I have now sunk deeper than any human has ever been before! [he soon encounters another man in a diving suit]\nRandy Newman: We are here in the ocean depths goin' deep deep deep- [turns around and sees the bathysphere... and its pilot] Oh hey James Cameron.\nJames Cameron: What the fuck?!\nRandy Newman: I've been divin' in the deep and I'm feelin' so cheap.\nJames Cameron: You son of a bitch Newman! How did you beat me down here!\nRandy Newman: I don't want anyone raisin' the bar, 'cause nobody'll hire me! Deep deep deep in the ocean. Ohhh, come on. Fight me, Cameron.\nJames Cameron: Alright, you son of a bitch! I'll take you to hell! [maneuvers the bathysphere's arms and lands a right punch on Newman, who falls away in slow motion]\nScene Description: Token's office, day. Kyle now has Cartman with him.\nCartman: It is a violation of my civil rights, Token, and you should be ashamed of yourself!\nKyle: I'm sorry Token, I had to tell him. His life is in danger.\nCartman: Making money off of people's handicaps! Well Token, I would like you to meet my lawyer! [the lawyer appears outside the office and tries to enter, but can't. The lawyer is on his own Rascal] As soon as he gets in here he will be handing you a cease and desist order! That show is not going to air!\nToken: [waits a second] It actually aired last night.\nKyle: You found a network to buy it?\nToken: Yeah, but don't worry. It didn't do so good. We got killed in the ratings by Honey Boo Boo.\nCartman: What? That little bitch beat me in the ratings?! Oh HELL NO!\nToken: Well it was only our first show of the season, so you really can't-\nCartman: [begins riding around] I don't give a shit, dude! Nobody beats my ratings! Get me a plane ticket! That bitch is going down! [turns around and rides out of the office]\nScene Description: This is an outdoor event, with a wall erected behind the First Lady\nAnnouncer: We welcome you to the First Lady's Symposium on Obesity, with your keynote speaker, Michelle Obama. [the audience applauds]\nMichelle Obama: Our country is in the midst of an epidemic. Recently a very big conflict was brought to my attention. [Kyle is present, which means Cartman didn't fly alone] A conflict that illustrates without a doubt what should be our nation's number one priority. What will we do as a country? I cannot give you any easy answers. But what I can give you, is what we've all been waiting for! Honey Boo Boo versus Fatty Poo Poo! [the audience cheers loudly as the bell rings and two men pour sketti and butter onto the grass with five-gallon pots. Token is at Cartman's corner and Mama is at Honey's corner]\nCartman: [making 8's with his Rascal and itching for a fight] You're goin' down, bitch! [also in attendance are Butters, Stan, Kevin, and Craig] Nobody takes my ratings!\nToken: That's good, Fatty, get pissed!\nCartman: I'm pissed!\nToken: Yeah, Fatty!\nCartman: Yeah, I'm fat and I'm pissed!\nMama: [clapping] Ain't nobody can beat my Boo Boo at sketti wrestlin'! [meanwhile, Honey Boo Boo is striking poses and blowing kisses non-stop]\nMichelle Obama: Let's do this! [the contestants approach each other in the center of the sketti ring as the audience cheers and applauds wildly. Cartman suddenly rushes at her and sideswipes her]\nHoney Boo Boo: [falling to the ground] Ow!\nScene Description: Cartman looks back, then turns around and rides up to Honey Boo Boo as she gets up, then bumps her down again. The audience is disappointed at this. She gets up much faster this time and waits for Cartman to make his move. He rushes at her again, but she jumps onto him and delivers a flurry of punches at his face. Kyle walks around looking lost. Honey Boo Boo succeeds in knocking Cartman over and he's on his side. Honey delivers several kicks to Cartman's head and begins to squeal like a pig. The audience is cheering for Honey Boo Boo, and she responds by blowing kisses at it. Cartman rights himself up with the tip assist device\nCartman: I ain't done with you, bitch!\nMan: Yeah! Tip assist!\nScene Description: The S.S. Cameron. Static fills the speakers as communication between the ship and the bathysphere is lost\nCrewman 2: You think he's dead? [the first crewman wakes up]\nCrewman 3: I hope so.\nJames Cameron: S.S. Cameron! This is James Cameron! I've found it! My God I found the bar! [the crewmen begin to stir. Soon they're all gathered at the computer monitor] Divert all power to sub systems! Two percent oxygen left! [the bethysphere rises quickly, followed by a long cable] The bar is too heavy! Aaaaagh! Come on you bitch!\nCrewman 4: Well I'll be damned.\nScene Description: The symposium. Cartman is dragging Honey Boo Boo across the sketti by her hair, then lets go. Stan approaches Kyle, who's seated at a curb nearby\nStan: Dude, you okay? [Honey Boo Boo gets up, and Cartman turns back to strike her down again]\nKyle: I've been thinking, how did shamelessness get to this? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again and looks at Cartman, and he strikes her down once again] Did it start with fat people on scooters?[Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] Or did the bar get lowered way before that? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again]And then I started thinking, maybe it was us. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] I don't know, but maybe somehow, we lowered the bar, a long time ago. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] And now we're all sittin' here in the stink of it all. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] There's no going back, Stan. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Two men walk up behind Stan and Kyle, and pass by them]\nMan 2: Rrrgh it's like, I can't explain it. I just suddenly feel like this isn't right. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Stan notices the men]\nMan 3: I don't know why we were watchin' that garbage in the first place. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again]\nKyle: [catches a hint of what the men were talking about] Huh?\nAide: [Michelle Obama looks a little faint] Ms. Obama, are you, uh, ma'am? Are you okay?\nMichelle Obama: Something's wrong. This... This is all wrong! [runs into the sketti ring] Stop! Everyone! What are we doing?! How can you let this happen to your daughter?!\nMama: I don't know, I... How did I let myself go like this? What have I done??\nMan 4: When did we devolve into watching fat kids sketti wrestling?\nMichelle Obama: We need to realize obesity is an epidemic. But it's not a disease. From now on I'm going to dedicate this administration to FIGHTING childhood obesity! [turns to Cartman and begins punching away at him]\nCartman: [amid some ows and grunts] Oh! You fucking bitch! [Michelle Obama finally punches him off his Rascal. She picks it up over her head, then smashes it into the ground, breaking it. She then kicks Cartman in the stomach for good measure.]\nToken: What the hell is going on?\nKyle: I don't know. I think... we've been given another chance.\nScene Description: The S.S. Cameron, day. The bathysphere has been retrieved and the hatch opens. James Cameron climbs out of it and comes down to the deck to meet the crewmen.\nCrewman 5: Hey Cameron, we can't believe it.\nJames Cameron: We're done here! Set course for the set of Avatar 2\nCrewman 6: Mr. Cameron. [Cameron stops] People should know. How you saved us all? How you raised the bar? How will they know what a hero you are?\nJames Cameron: [turns around] James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. [turns around and walks a few feet, then turns around again] James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is... James Cameron. [the crew applauds him as he enters the bridge]\nSingers: His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Upstairs, Gerald and Sheila relax in bed, watching TV. Well, Gerald is, anyway, with his hands behind his head. Sheila is reading a book.\nAnnouncer: Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life. You want to show her you love her, but you're old, and so is she. [A middle-aged man brings two cups of wine to the sofa and gives one of them to his middle-aged wife. Next, another middle-aged couple is shown in a row boat, with the husband rowing... slowly] The next time that special moment comes, don't let your sex drive fail you just because your wife looks like a shriveled prune. Fake it, with Cialis. [The Cialis logo scoots in from the right] It won't make her any harder, but it will make you not care for up to three hours. [A third couple is shown holding hands in his-and-her bathrubs on a deck... on the African savannah, with two elephants in the distance.] And then you can still have your own separate bathrub from her later on. [Gerald glances over at Sheila.]\nGerald: [Lowers his arms and leans in a bit] Hey Sheila. You feel like having some fun?\nSheila: Oh dear, did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?\nGerald: [Puts his left arm around her] How about I put on the uniform?\nSheila: [Gets excited and bashful] Oh, Gerald...\nGerald: Huh? What do you think? You know you like it.\nScene Description: Moments later, Sheila is in a negligee and puts some make up on. A knock is heard on her bedroom door and she answers it.\nSheila: Oh, hello. [Strikes a sexy pose - right arm on the door, left arm on her hip]\nGerald: UPS man. I have a ...package from Amazon for you.\nSheila: Oh, dear, but I'm barely dressed.\nGerald: If you'll just... [Whips out a signature pad and presents it to her] sign right here. [Some time later, the bedroom door is closed, the lights are out, and Gerald is really delivering it to Sheila.]\nSheila: Oh, you're so rough with me, Mr. UPS man!\nGerald: Yeah? [Spanks her] Do you like your package, ma'am? [Unknown to them, Ike is standing at the doorway looking at them]\nSheila: Oh yes!\nGerald: Huh? [Followed by a series of grunts]\nSheila: Do it harder, UPS man!\nScene Description: Ike's room, morning. Ike is at his desk crying, and he bangs his head on the desk/ Ike has been drawing something. Kyle walks by and notices\nKyle: Ike, what's the matter? [Waits a few seconds, then goes in.] Dude, you've been in here crying all morning. What's going on? [Ike finishes up and hands the sheet of paper to Kyle. Kyle looks and is suddenly alarmed. Ike has drawn a stick figure of his mom with a UPS man, with big boobs for his mom and a big penis for the UPS man. Ike goes back to crying] Oh. My. God. Ike, a-are you sure about this?\nIke: Yes! Yes!\nKyle: I-Ike, this is a big deal. You have to be absolutely, 100%-\nIke: I saw them, Kyle, I saw them!\nKyle: Oh no...\nScene Description: Stan's house, later. Kyle is in Stan's room, and Cartman and Kenny have joined them. Stan is at his desk, Kenny is on Stan's bed, Cartman is standing up\nKyle: You guys can't tell anybody, all right? Not until I figure out what to do.\nStan: Dude, what happened?\nKyle: Take a look. [Whips out the sheet of paper Ike drew upon]\nStan: What's this? [Takes the sheet and looks at it.]\nKyle: Ike found out last night. My mom's having sex with the UPS man.\nStan: Whoa!\nCartman: Dude, no way!\nKyle: Yeah dude. [Out in the hall, Randy walks by with a cup of coffee, but he hears them and stops]\nStan: But are you sure they had sex, like, \"sex\" sex, or they actually had sex? [Randy sees a plant nearby, quickly dumps his coffee into it, and puts the cup against Stan's door]\nKyle: Yeah dude, like, full-on. Ike saw everything. It totally makes sense now. My mom's been ordering all kinds of stuff from Amazon lately. Sometimes, sh-she doesn't even remember what she's ordered. She's probably been having sex with the UPS man for a long time.\nRandy: [Barely audible] Ohhhh... [Hurries away]\nStan: Well are you gonna tell your dad?\nKyle: I don't know. I feel like I should confront my mom first. But it's so embarrassing.\nCartman: [Walks up to him] Kyle, have you stopped to think that maybe the sex wasn't consensual?\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Isn't it possible your mom was raped by the UPS man? We know nothing about this guy and he shows up to all of our houses. Think about it: what kind of sane, normal person would wanna have sex with Kyle's mom?\nStan: Cartman dude, not now.\nCartman: No, hear me out, you guys. Haven't you seen those ADT commercials? \"Women these days get raped by perfectly normal-looking white guys in broad daylight.\" It may be too late for Kyle's mom, but I'm getting some God damned security!\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Aside from Skeeter, seven men are present. Jimbo, Randy, Stuart, and Stephen are at the bar. Mr. Tucker is at a table, while Steve Black and Mr. Testaburger stand\nRandy: Look, look, the thing is, do we tell Gerald, or do we just stay out of it?\nJimbo: How do you tell him? \"Hey Gerald, Sorry, but the UPS man is bangin' your wife.\" It's really none of our business.\nStuart: If my wife was having sex with the UPS man, I'd want you guys to tell me!\nStephen: How do you know she's not? I mean, think about it: this is a guy who visits all our houses during the day, who clearly has a kind of... insatiable lust... I mean, somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom would have sex with just about anything!\nRandy: Oh, come on, he can't be trying that with all our wives?\nMechanic: Wouldn't be the first time. [The other men face him] Hyeah, there's a price to be paid with having things convenient. Used to be... a man had to go to the store to buy himself a pitcher of milk. Hyeah, but men got lazy. They wanted that milk delivered right to the door. Only problem was, the guy deliverin' that milk end sup fuckin' your wife. Sure, you had your nice cold milk delivered right to your doorstep, but your wife was gettin' pounded out like a mallard duck. [takes his hat and heads for the entrance, then turns around] And now you got your Amazon. [puts on his hat] And the milkman's come back. [turns around] And none of ya are safe. [walks away, leaving the other men stunned]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. A Wolf Security System truck is parked out front. In the living room, a security agent lists some things Liane and Cartman would need on their house to secure it well. Liane looks through the brochure.\nSecurity agent: And so you'd need the motion detectors in the living room and the kitchen, the touch pads at the front and rear doors, and break-in monitors on all windows. I'm afraid those are not secure at all.\nCartman: Oh no, really?\nLiane: Oh, I'm sorry, but I really don't think I can afford this.\nCartman: Mom, do you wanna get raped?! Haven't you seen their commercials?! You can get raped by a white guy these days, Mom!\nLiane: Ohhh...\nSecurity agent: Yes, unfortunately it's not enough to just be fearful of strangers these days.\nCartman: What-what do you mean?\nSecurity agent: Well, many times, houses are burglarized by someone the victim knows.\nCartman: Oh my God, I knew it! Kyle is always taking my stuff! Just yesterday I couldn't find my iPod headphones! That sneaky little Jew!\nSecurity agent: We realize that's a lot of money, Mrs. Cartman, but really, how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?\nCartman: Yeah Mom! There's dangerous people trying to screw us both!\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy waits at the breakfast table as Sharon washes dishes.\nSharon: Don't you need to be getting to work, Rand?\nRandy: No, I think I'll uh, ...just hang out a little longer. [The doorbell rings] I'll get it. [Rises quickly and heads for the front door]\nUPS man: [Holding two boxes] Hey there, looks like I got a couple of packagers from Amazon for ya.\nRandy: [Warily] Oh, is that so?\nUPS man: If I can just get your signature right [Whips out the signature pad] there?\nRandy: [Signs the pad] Sure um... Chad, is it?\nUPS man: Thad.\nRandy: Thad. Nice. You um, havin' a busy day?\nUPS man: Oh you know, just, tryin' to get to everyone.\nRandy: Yeah I'll bet. [Gives him the pad back. Thad does a couple more things on the pad]\nUPS man: [Gives Randy the packages and walks back to his truck] Well, have a good one.\nRandy: Yeah, you too, Thad. [Closes the door and walks back to the kitchen. He puts the packages down on the counter next to the sink] Hey Sharon, these came for you.\nSharon: [Smiles] Ooooo, stuff from Amazon?\nRandy: Yeah, w-what are they?\nSharon: You know, to be honest, I can't remember?\nRandy: [In a deeper voice] You just... order stuff off of Amazon and you can't remember what?\nSharon: [Opens the larger box] Ohhh yeahyeahyeah, these are the paring knives I ordered. Sorry, I think I was a little tipsy. [puts the knives back in the box and opens the smaller box] oh, and this is the book Stan's been wanting; can you take it up to him?\nRandy: Yeah, sure, 'cause... [backs out of the kitchen] people just order stuff from Amazon and... forget what they got. [goes upstairs]\nScene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Randy enters the room with Stan's book.\nRandy: Stan, you got something from Amazon. [looks around and doesn't see Stan] Oh. [goes to Stan's desk and drops the book off there. He notices Ike's drawing and takes it, looks closely at it and gasps, thinking the drawing is of Sharon and the UPS man] Ooohhh shit.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. Cartman comes home from school and sets off the alarm upon entering\nCartman: Oh fuck. [Goes to the touchpad by the door to shut it off] Oh what's the- God damn it! [The phone rings and he goes to answer it. He puts his left index finger in his left ear to hear from the right ear better] Hello?\nScene Description: Wolf Security Systems, afternoon. It's a very nice office, but only one operator is there taking calls. Whenever the camera is on him, or on one of his colleagues later on, it moves around him to the left or right, never losing focus\nJeff: This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?\nCartman: Uh yeah, sorry, I live here, I just, I can't remember the code to turn off the alarm!\nJeff: That's okay. Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?\nCartman: Oh yeah yeah, my pass phrase is... Kyle is a dirty no-good Jew. [Thinks a moment] No wait, Kyle is a no-good lying Jew.\nJeff: Okay, I've got something a little different here.\nCartman: Uhhh, it is My friend Kyle is a no-good dirty...? Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere.\nJeff: No problem.\nCartman: Sorry about this.\nJeff: It's all right, it happens all the time.\nCartman: 'Kay, thanks, I... Wait! Hang on a second! What do you mean \"That's all right\"! What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?!\nJeff: You want to rape your mom?\nCartman: [Liane appears at the top of the stairs and becomes coming down, but stops to hear what Eric is saying] That's nice, you're so cool about me triggering the alarm and not knowing the password, but how do you know I'm not making it up?! I could have raped my mom twice by now!\nJeff: You said you lived there.\nCartman: [His mom goes back up the stairs] I do, but you don't know that! I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The mechanic is back at his table. The shadows of a group of men creep up on him\nRandy: How did you get rid of him? [The mechanic looks at him] How did you get rid of the milkman?\nMechanic: There's no getting rid of him. Not in any you folks would be prepared for. Noh, best you just let him go on fucking your wives. Maybe he'll get tired of it.\nStephen: Damn you, it's not just our wives anymore! [The others look at him, he looks around] This morning, he came for me. I opened the door. It was the UPS man. He had a box from Amazon. I looked inside and found an adapter for an iPhone and then I remembered: I had ordered it! I ordered it the day before and I had barely any recollection. The UPS man is using his powers to try to have sex with me now.\nRandy: [Puts his hands on the table] You said we wouldn't be prepared to get rid of him. How did you?\nMechanic: We used a pretty blonde to lure him in. When she answered the door she told the milkman to follow her to the bathrub. She took off her clothes and... asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. The milkman said, \"You want that milk pasteurize?\" And the blonde replied, \"No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes.\" That's when we jumped 'im. It was over in minutes. Then we burned his body. You wanna get rid of the milkman? You gotta kill him and kill him good. And then you gotta go to the store for your stuff from then on.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, next day. A cat burglar with cigarette is at Cartman's front door\nCat Burglar: Hey, ey uh, [Takes a puff of cigarette] you want me to do this, you gotta pay up front, kid!\nCartman: You'll get your money when you finish doing what I asked you, all right? Now as soon as I lock the door, just give me a few seconds to arm the system, then you break in and try to rape my mom. Okay? You got it? [closes and locks the door, then arms the system, then goes to the phone to wait for Wolf Home Security to call. The cat burglar pounds a window until it gives way and he goes in. The alarm goes off a second later. Cartman gets pissed off when the burglar breaks a second window and there's no response from Wolf. Finally the call comes in, and Cartman answers it] Hello?\nMichael: This is Michael with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?\nCartman: [The cat burglar appears as he goes towards the stairs. He then stops] Uh, no, a man just broke into our house and he's about to rape my mom. [Softly, to the cat burglar while muffling the mic] Go go, she's upstairs. [The cat burglar heads up the stairs] Hello, did you hear me? A rapist is here; he's white!\nMichael: Oh-kay, should we contact the police?\nCartman: Yes you should contact the fucking police! My mom is about to get fucking raped!\nMichael: Okay, we're contacting them now.\nCartman: He's goin' up the stairs, dude, you'd better hurry!\nMichael: Try and stay calm, the police are on their way.\nCartman: Well that's nice, maybe they could bring some cigarettes and Gatorade, 'cause the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out! [Looks at the phone] The fuck?!\nScene Description: The Stotch house. Stephen goes to the front door and opens it.\nUPS man: Hey there, misterrr Stotch. looks like another Amazon package. [Smiles]\nStephen: I know that what I feel for you is just some kind of spell.\nUPS man: [looks puzzled] ...Sss-sorry?\nStephen: Just let me sign. [the UPS man hands him the signature pad, Stephen signs it and gives it back and gets his package, and the UPS man leaves. Stephen opens the box and pulls out a Bane mask, still in the plastic package. Then he whips out a flip phone from his back pocket and talks into it] All right, he's coming to you.\nScene Description: The UPS truck, day. The UPS man gets into his truck and starts it up. A gun appears next to his face, ready to shoot at him. He's startled\nVoice: Well hello there, Mr. UPS man!\nUPS man: What are you-?\nRandy: [wearing his own Bane mask] You should have left our wives alone. Now let's go for a drive.\nUPS man: [the UPS man releases the hand brake and drives off] Look, you can have whatever's in the back! Ih-ihit's all stuff from Amazon!\nRandy: Oh no, pull in here.\nScene Description: A U-Stor-It storage facility, day. The UPS man drives into it\nUPS man: Just let me go, huh?\nRandy: Oh, and then we'd miss out on all the fun! [the driver's side door opens and the other men from the bar, also wearing Bane masks, drag the UPS man out]\nUPS man: Aaawwgh! [they take turns kicking and punching him]\nStephen: You should have never come to our town! [punches him twice, the second one sending him to Stuart]\nStuart: A man's wife is his life, Mr. UPS man. [punches him three times, the third one sending him back to Stephen. The UPS man falls to the ground and the Banes start kicking him. A woman is heard screaming. She and her husband are shown]\nWoman: Oh my God.\nMan: Come on honey! [they run off]\nRandy: [whips out Ike's drawing and puts it in the man's face] Thought we wouldn't find out??? [drops it and the men scatter. Skeeter and Stephen go towards the camera and away, screen left. Stuart. Randy, and Mr. Testaburger run away from the camera, and Jimbo, Thomas, and Steve Black run off screen right. The UPS man is left alone, battered, bruised, and coughing up blood]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Someone knocks on his door five times, then tries to jiggle the locks open.\nCartman: [stops] Who is there?\nUPS man: [opens the door and stumbles in] Please! [still gasping for air]\nCartman: Oh?! Ohhh?! [backs away quickly. The phone rings, but Cartman goes to the kitchen to answer it] Yes? Yeah, hello?\nVarashnu: [with Indian Accent] Hello, this is Varashnu wit Wolf Home Security.\nCartman: A man just broke into my house and is- [looks at the phone] Varashnu? I didn't sign up to have some Indian guy call me- Are you even in the United States?!\nVarashnu: ...Uh yes, I am in United States.\nCartman: Oh, that is bullshit! Put your manager on!\nVarashnu: Okay, hold on. [transfers Cartman's call]\nCartman: Heh- hello?\nKevin: This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?\nCartman: No, everything's not all right. How come a guy from India is calling me when my house is being broken into?!\nKevin: We have alarms going off across the country fourteen times a minute. That takes a lot of employees manning phones.\nCartman: Dude, I'm not paying all this money to have some guy on the other side of the Earth try and protect me!\nKevin: Sir, it doesn't matter where we call you from, we still contact the police in your neighborhood.\nCartman: Oh really? Oh okay. Gosh I'm so relieved! Thanks. There's still just one little problem: How do you know I didn't break into this house, set off the alarm, and now I'm stalling by being upset about the Indian guy and have actually stolen a bunch of shit, raped my mom, and you people have done absolutely nothing about it?!\nKevin: I d-I d'uh... Wow, that just fucked my head.\nCartman: Yeah I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom! [slams the phone on the floor]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. A crowd has gathered in front of the station. Sgt. Yates addresses the crowd's concerns.\nSgt. Yates: All right, quiet down people, please! Quiet! [the crowd quiets down] I know you're all worried about your families' security. All I can tell you is that so far, Bane has not been caught. [the people begin to murmur amongst themselves]\nMr. Mackey: Uh, what are we supposed to do? I mean if Bane is out there on the loose then none of us are safe. One Bane's bad enough, but apparently we got like, like seven Banes? Uhkay?\nGerald: And what do we tell our kids?! We can't leave them in the dark!\nRandy: [aside to Gerald] Wouldn't be the only ones in your family completely in the dark.\nGerald: What?\nRandy: Huh? Nothing.\nSgt. Yates: Now listen! There's nothing more we can do to protect your homes. But there's someone here who says he can. [makes way for the security agent who visited Cartman and his mom earlier]\nSecurity agent: Hello folks, we're more than happy to get your homes safe and secure. Now, you're gonna be wanting monitors on all your doors and windows, motion detectors in the living areas, and I would also recommend you all get our newest personal security system to make sure your wives are safe outside the home.\nRandy: Whoawhoa, wait, wait. What do you mean?\nSpokesman: [in a commercial] Protecting your home and your family is hard enough! But sometimes alarms on your doors and windows aren't enough! A new security system allows not only for your doors and windows to be monitored, but your fear levels as well. [a 3-D schematic of a house is shown, with a person in it] A security system that is actually inside you. It's called IN-security.\nHusband: [with wife and twin daughters] We'll never forget the day we took our twin daughters to the beach.\nStranger: Hehey, what cute twins.\nWife: Thanks.\nStranger: They're so adorable [whips out a crowbar and assumes a menacing posture. The wife instinctively tries to protect the girls] that I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in! [the alarm goes off and the stranger runs away, dropping the crowbar. The husband receives the call]\nPeter: This is Peter with INsecurity. Is everything all right?\nHusband: A white man just tried to murder our twin girls.\nPeter: I have a police car on their way with blankets and cocoa. [Next shot is of the whole family in blankets and sipping cocoa at the beach, with police cars around them and police officers investigating]\nHusband: I only hope other have people have INsecurity to protect their families.\nScene Description: A shoe store. A woman is getting her son new shoes\nShoe Salesman: Well, how's the shoe fit, pal?\nBoy: I think it fits pretty good.\nShoe Salesman: Well okayhehe, let's see if it fits better than this KNIFE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULL, BASTARD! [gets out a large knife and slashes the air with it.]\nBoy: Aaahh! [jumps into his mom's arms and the alarm goes off. The salesman drops the knife and runs off. The phone rings and the mom answers it]\nMom: Hello?\nDavid: This is David with INsecurity. Is everything all right?\nMom: [voice breaking] No, a white shoe salesman tried to murder my son.\nDavid: Hold tight. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa. [next scene, mom and son are in blankets and sipping cocoa while the police investigate]\nSpokesman: Don't let your family become another statistic. Have piece of mind with... [the new company logo appears, with \"Custom installation for only $99.\"] INsecurity.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kyle and Stan walk along to class\nKyle: It just keeps getting worse. I see stuff from Amazon almost every day. My poor dad has no idea.\nStan: You're gonna have to tell him, dude.\nKyle: I know...\nCartman: [runs up to them] HaHA Kyle! Let's see you try and take my iPod headphones HOW! [wears a little sign on his head showing that ]\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: Just wanted you to know that if you wanna steal somebody's stuff, you should look elsewhere.\nKyle: Nobody wants any of your stuff, you fat bitch!\nCartman: Oh, fat bitch, huh?! [gets smug] Well it just so happens that this fat bitch has INsecurity now, Kyle, and so I'm protected from ALL you greedy little Jews until you and your people DIE OUT!\nKyle: The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass! It's growing!\nCartman: What? [his alarm goes off, then he gets the call] Hello?\nMarcus: This is Marcus with INsecurity. Is everything all right?\nCartman: Yeah yeah no, false alarm. I, I just heard some troubling news and it set off my INsecurity.\nMarcus: All right, could I just get your password please?\nCartman: Yeah, it's um... it's uloveboobs.\nMarcus: I love boobs?\nCartman: No, \"uloveboobs.\" Lower-case u love boobs.\nMarcus: How did you know that?\nCartman: My password is uloveboobs!\nMarcus: Oh oh I get it. That's pretty funny.\nCartman: You, it's fucking hilarious! Now can you shut off my INsecurity please?!\nMarcus: Sure, here you go. [gets to resetting the system]\nCartman: Okay. So anyway, Kyle, you'd better watch ih-! [notices Kyle is gone, but looks around] Kyle? God damn it.\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, day. The men are back in the bar\nRandy: And then I had to drive to Walgreens, Barnes & Noble AND Ace Hardware. I tell you, having to go around and buy stuff again sucks.\nStuart: Yeah, but at least we never have to deal with that UPS driver again.\nJimbo: [bursts through the front doors] He's back!\nStephen: What?!\nJimbo: [runs to the bar] I just came from Will Patterson's house! His mother got three packages from Amazon! And the UPS guy told her what he'd like to do to her!\nStephen: How?\nJimbo: He casually dropped this on his way out! [whips out a sheet of paper, and the other men gather to have a look. It's Ike's drawing]\nRandy: [low voice] Oh my God! [now he and the men think the UPS man has made copies of that drawing and is dropping them off at every house]\nMechanic: Didn't kill 'im, did ya? [the other men turn around] Yea', I didn't think you had it in ya.\nRandy: We scared him! We thought that'd be enough!\nMechanic: Milkman don't get scared. Not with free pussy at every doorstep.\nScene Description: A stakeout. Someone is looking at the UPS man deliver a package through binoculars. A woman answers the door, takes her package from the UPS man, and closes the door. The UPS man looks around to make sure no one is out to hurt him any further. He goes to his truck, then checks under it to make sure it hasn't been rigged with a bomb, then he looks around once more\nStephen: Son of a bitch, it's him all right!\nRandy: This guy doesn't know when to quit!\nStephen: He's stopping at another house. [the UPS man stops his truck, gets down with a new package, and goes to the next house, looking around]\nSteve Black: Guess this guy's a lot tougher than we thought. Must be why our wives want him so bad.\nRandy: [his INsecurity goes off] Sorry sorry, that's me. [gets the call] Hello?\nAlvin: This is Alvin with INsecurity. Is everything all right?\nRandy: Yeah, sorry, false alarm. Pass phrase is tickle me homo. [the other men glance at him] It's a joke.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day, living room. Kyle sits on the sofa between his parents\nKyle: Mom, Dad, you've always taught me that being direct and honest is a basic Jewish tenet.\nSheila: That's right, Kyle.\nKyle: And that applies to all of us, doesn't it? Even though it's convenient to have things done for you, sometimes it's best to deal with it yourself. [the doorbell rings and he sighs deeply, then goes to answer it. The UPS man is on the other side of the door]\nUPS man: Uhh, hi, I got a delivery for ya?\nKyle: Yeah. Come in for a minute, would you?\nUPS man: What?\nKyle: Please? I need you to come sit down for a second. [puzzled, the UPS man comes in and sits down on the armchair. Kyle returns to his spot between his parents, and silence follows for a couple of seconds] So... Here we all are. Mom, do you want to tell Dad something? [she stays quiet] Mom?\nUPS man: What's going on?\nKyle: You know God damned well what's going on! This ends right now! We are a family, and you need to go somewhere else!\nUPS man: Don't you think I want to?! [his UPS truck is shown in the background] I hate this damned town! Every day, things just keep getting weirder around here, and I'm just about sick of it![Randy and Stephen run out from behind the truck, and a few seconds later it blows up] Aaah! [runs to a window] Oh my God! [gets the call and answers it] Hello?\nBrian: This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right?\nUPS man: No! They blew up my car! They blew up my car!\nBrian: I'm sending help. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.\nUPS man: [goes up the stairs] They're after me again! Do something!\nBrian: Ho- hold on one second, sir, I have another emergency coming in. [switches calls] This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right?\nCartman: [in the perfume section of a store, with a saleswoman behind the counter] Yeah, no, false alarm again. I'm in the store and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne.\nGerald: [opens the front door] What the hell's goin' on out here?! [Stephen and Jimbo lie in wait for the UPS man]\nJimbo: Stay out of this, Gerald! Some men care about what their wives are doing!\nGerald: What?! You don't even have a wife, Jimbo! [Jimbo's INsecurity goes off, his phone rings, and he answers it]\nUPS man: [trying again to call INsecurity] Somebody answer me! You have to send help now!\nMartin: Sir, we are sending help. Just stay calm. [another call comes in] Hang on sir, this is Martin with INsecurity.\nRandy: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's house is nicer than mine is.\nMartin: Hello, this is Martin with INsecu-\nCartman: [outside a store] God damn it I've had it with you people! When I signed up, I thought I was getting CSI guys protecting my ass, but all of you answering the phones are complete retards![Martin is swamped with calls. Another one comes in] Hello? [his own INsecurity has gone off]\nMike: This is Mike with INsecurity. Is everything all right?\nUPS man: [in the master bedroom] Hello?!\nKyle: [sees the open door and goes in] Dude, come down here!\nUPS man: [panics] AAAAH! [jumps through the closed window to his death] Uf. [everyone else looks. Police arrive shortly with blankets and cocoa.]\nSgt. Yates: So you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath who was forced to have sex with his mother? [holds a sheet of paper in his hand]\nStephen: Yes, we found that in his pocket. [points to the sheet, which the captain holds up. It's... Ike's drawing again]\nOfficer: Sir, we found this in the closet upstairs? [It's the UPS uniform Gerald uses in roleplaying]\nGerald: Yes, that's mine.\nRandy: Yours? What?\nSheila: [rips the uniform from the officer] Give me that! What we do in our bedroom is our business!\nKyle: Wait a minute, Dad was the UPS man?\nGerald: Uhh, Kyle, uh sometimes when people get older they need to play and pretend to keep things interesting. Iiit's just a way I can still be intimate with your mother without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs. [all the other men's alarms go off, their phones ring, and they all answer them]\nThe men: Hello?\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men return to the bar and find the mechanic at his table again\nRandy: It's over. But you were wrong. We don't have to be afraid of Amazon. The only price to be paid for convenience is that we must be secure with ourselves.\nMechanic: Yea'. Got yourselves some nice home security systems, don'tcha? Payin' a man to do your job of protecting your house. Only problem is, while you're out feelin' like your things are safe, that security man is fucking your wife.\nScene Description: Address 10228, day. The security agent is at the house talking to a woman\nSecurity agent: Doors and windows should be armed and your motion detectors are up and running, just call me whenever you need me back. [the woman closes her door and the agent goes back to his van. He gets in and sits down, preparing to drive. A gun pops up next to him, and he's alarmed.] Ah! Who are you??\nCartman: [in Bane mask] It doesn't matter who we are, what matters is our plan. You should have respected my authoritay. [the men return in Bane masks to haul the agent out and beat him up]\nSecurity agent: Hoo!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, day. The kids are seated for lunch. At the center table are Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Clyde and Craig. Cartman runs in from the hallway\nCartman: FELLAS! Fellas!\nStan: What?\nCartman: You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!\nKyle: Butters? [He and Stan look puzzled] Why?\nCartman: It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!\nStan: You're talking about Butters.\nCartman: Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom! [The other boys get concerned and leave their tables to go to the restroom]\nScene Description: The restroom around the corner from the cafeteria. Jimmy has joined the boys. Stan bangs on the door\nStan: Butters?\nButters: Leave me alone!\nStan: Butters, come out here.\nButters: Get out of here, all of ya! [Stan turns to the other boys and shrugs]\nKyle: Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just-\nButters: [Runs out of the restroom up to Kyle and points at him] You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image! [runs back inside the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up [moves over to Jimmy], and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [Runs back into the restroom and locks himself in. The other boys are stunned and silent]\nCartman: Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny flashes an angry look]\nButters: [Runs out of the restroom again and storms up to Cartman] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman looks stunned]Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [Runs back into the boys restroom and locks himself in]\nCartman: ...Wow.\nButters: [Opens the door and peeks out] Double wow! [Closes the door and locks it]\nScene Description: The principal's office, Day. Principal Victoria is talking to Butters and his parents.\nPrincipal Victoria: I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.\nStephen: Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!\nButters: [In a gruff voice] I don't know, Dad, ah I was just pissed off, I guess!\nLinda: Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?!\nButters: I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!\nStephen: Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?!\nButters: Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud! [Both parents look taken aback as a moment of silence follows]\nLinda: [looks at Stephen] Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?\nStephen: Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eh-excuse me?\nStephen: Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.\nButters: It's not?!\nStephen: It has to do with... biology. [turns right and walks off a bit] You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids.\nButters: Yeah?\nStephen: You probably think Butters seems somehow... different.\nButters: [normal voice] Hey yeah, all the time.\nStephen: It's because he is. [Turns around and faces Principal Victoria] His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place.\nPrincipal Victoria: Ah I'm sorry, I really don't understand.\nStephen: Please, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's all right with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing.\nScene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda argue as Butters sits on the couch\nLinda: I don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young!\nStephen: It's our people's way, Linda, you know that better than I do!\nLinda: Then we can go with him.\nStephen: You know that's not allowed!\nButters: Will somebody tell me what the frickity fookshmere is goin' on?!\nStephen: Butters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremony of hapa noa.\nButters: Uhbu-but I'm from here.\nStephen: No. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters. [Walks to a bookshelf and grabs a scrapbook] A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i.\nButters: We're from Hawaii?\nStephen: [Sits on the sofa next to Butters. Linda sits to his left] Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive. [Opens the book and points some pictures out to him] We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the fern grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King. [Flips backwards a few pages and shows him a picture of Elvis Presley playing a ukulele with a picture of Diamondhead in the background.]\nButters: But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?\nStephen: Not an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called \"hapahui apahoha\", and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone. [Linda stands up and starts crying. Stephen stands up and takes out his wallet] Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you. [He turns his back to Butters. Linda weeps silently. Butters is speechless]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. The boys from the table are playing basketball, and Jimmy joins in. Kenny tosses the basketball at Kyle, who makes a shot, and Cartman runs up to them from the sidewalk. Stan catches the ball\nCartman: Holy shit balls! Holy shit balls! Guess what, you guys? Holy shit balls. [The other boys gather around him]\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Butters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii.\nStan: Hawaii?\nCartman: He said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut.\nKyle: Dude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him.\nStan: [Turns to the basket] After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead. [Makes a shot at close range]\nKyle: Kenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him.\nKenny: (I'm not his best friend.)\nCartman: Yeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more. [Kenny sighs and walks away with his head down.]\nScene Description: The airport, day. Kenny arrives and walks into the Alpha Air terminal. He sees Butters seated on a seat in an empty row, with two suitcases at his feet. He's sobbing. Kenny walks over\nKenny: (Butters, come on.)\nButters: They won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right! [Kenny takes one suitcase and Butters' right hand, Butters takes the other suitcase, and they walk. Suddenly Butters stops and pulls his hand away] No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's waiting there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this! [Kenny sighs, then takes Butters to the teller]\nKenny: (Excuse me, he needs to go to Hawaii.)\nTeller: I already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated.\nButters: I'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just \"deligerent\" because of my hapanuanalua!\nKenny: (Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?)\nTeller: Tell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let him go.\nKenny: (Me?)\nButters: Can't you see I'm in horrible pain?! Do you have any idea what-?!\nKenny: [Puts his hand over Butters mouth to shut him up] (Okay, okay! I'll go.) [Scene cuts to the plane flying towards Hawaii]\nScene Description: Lihu'e Airport, Kaua'i, Runway B-5. The plane lands and Butters and Kenny enter the terminal. Butters has picked up his bags\nButters: [Slowly, as he looks around] Well, we're here, now what do I do? [Kenny points to the information officer nearby, and they walk to him]\nOfficer: Can I help you with anything?\nButters: Uh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go?\nOfficer: Okay, were you with a cruise ship or land tour group?\nButters: Oh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian. [The officer just looks at him. A group of Americans approaches him]\nBlond man: Butters Stotch?\nButters: Yeah?\nBlond man: Welcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony. [Notices Kenny] Ah- uh, who's this?\nButters: Oh thi-this is my friend, Kenny.\nOlder woman: Butters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their ceremonies.\nButters: Oh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come.\nBlond man: Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now. [Everyone leaves]\nScene Description: En route to the chief, day. They go down the road, all packed into an SUV.\nButters: You folks are all native Hawaiians too?\nOlder man: [Driving] Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu.\nDonna: Yes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid.\nBlond man: [Leans to the right, behind the older man] Let us eat.\nOlder man: Oh yea, let us eat. [They stop at Kuwahara Saimin's drive-through] Aloha, five order of saimin, please.\nButters: What's \"saimin\"?\nPatty: It's one of the foods of our people.\nOlder man: Oh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card. [The cashier notes the card and takes the cash, the older man takes the food, and they're off.] Mahalo. [They soon find themselves behind a slow car with the passenger taking pictures of the scenery. The older man honks.] Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card! [Stops and points out a building] These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors. [It's the Coco Palms, long abandoned.] They say the spirit of the king is still in there.\nBlond man: You must stay away from this place. It is kapu.\nBrunet man: Kapu. that means \"taboo\", [points to Kenny] especially to haoles! [they drive off]\nOlder man: Uh that there is Bubba's Burgers. [Scene shows Bubba's Burgers] In Havai'i us natives say \"Bubba's Bruk\". [they pass by a big hotel] Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences. [A gated community is shown. The Older Man flashes his Mahalo Rewards card to the guard] It's all right, we're natives. [The guard opens the gate and lets them in. They arrive at the chief's residence and step out to talk to him] Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch.\nChief: Ah, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole?\nScene Description: Kenny's room at the Residences, night. He sits by the open window with a lit candle, a pencil and a sheet of paper. He begins to write.\nKenny: My dearest friends,:I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kava'i. What can I tell you of this mysterious island and its people? It is a place of wonder, and yet to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition. The people here are peaceful and joyous, and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world. Their diet is mostly an odd mixture of coconut milk, pineapple juice, and vodka, which they call the chi-chi. As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors, and seems to be feeling better with every passing day. He still seems quite angry at times, but luckily his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow.\nScene Description: As he writes, the following scenes are shown: First, the Safeway supermarket. The people greet each other with a fist, with pinky and thumb extended. Next, three kids are playing in a pool while Donna enjoys her chi-chi and the older couple sit on chaise longues in the background. Next, Kenny is at the bar order a chi-chi. Next, Butters learns how to play bocce ball. Next, Stan reads the letter to Cartman and Kyle\nStan: [reading the letter] \"On the morrow\"? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?\nKenny: To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home. I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever. Humbly yours, Kenneth.\nScene Description: A luau, day. All the natives are in line for lunch before the ceremony begins. Butters stands on a platform before the chief while Kenny watches on\nChief: In the time-honored traditions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa. [everyone cheers and and woman slips a necklace onto his neck] The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island. [a horn blower comes in with a conch shell and blows into it... badly] Now drink the chi-chi! [Patty walks over with a glass of it and gives it to Butters, who begins to drink it through a straw.]\nButters: [turns right and coughs, then] Whoa, it's like gasoline!\nChief: Drink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away.\nButters: [Finishes the rest of the drink, then stumbles just a little bit and smiles] Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better.\nChief: O spirits of ancestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you-\nBlond man: [runs in] Listen! [climbs onto a table] Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news!\nChief: Do you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?\nBlond man: I've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is... [chokes]\nChief: What?! What has happened? Speak!\nBlond man: The Mahalo Rewards card is being eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted.\nChief: [Rises from his chair and walks to his left] I knew one day it would come to this.\nPatty: To what? What does this mean?\nChief: The haoles are trying to do away with us.\nResident 1: With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and who isn't!\nResident 2: Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?!\nChief: I'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island! [this draws cheers from everyone]\nScene Description: A seaside golf course, day. A cruise ship is some distance from the shore when it blows its horn. A group of natives stand by their golf balls\nChief: [Yelling at the ship] Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE! [The natives fire away into the ocean. Some of the golf balls land in the water, some of them reach the ship]\nFirst Mate: What are they doing? [The passengers are being pelted with golf balls.]\nChief: [Walks over to Butters and gives him a club] Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome!\nButters: I've never done this before. [Gets into position]\nChief: It's all right. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you.\nButters: Aim... my anger! Stupid [Swings successfully] Ben Affleck! [The golf ball sails through the air and enters the bridge, smashing through the window and the captain's binoculars. The first mate shrieks] Waaah! [The captain stumbles onto a controller and breaks it with sheer momentum. The ship begins to pitch back and sink. Passengers begin to tumble towards the water. Butters is dumbfounded. The ship breaks in two]\nMan: Hold on! [The golf club just falls out of Butters' left hand] Hold on!\nWoman: Oh I can't! I can't! I can't hold on!\nMan: I love you! I love you!\nWoman: No! I love you! I love you back! [The ship vanishes below the water]\nScene Description: Breaking News\nAnnouncer: This is breaking news!\nAnchor: An insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island.\nMan 1: They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore!\nWoman 1: Then a little boy called me a skank.\nAnchor: [A picture of Barack Obama appears over his shoulder] The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself. [Thinks about it for a second] Hm.\nScene Description: The ceremonial plaza, day.\nChief: Are all the tourists gone from our island?\nResident 3: All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.\nResident 4: What about him?\nKenny: (What about me?)\nResident 4: He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him!\nButters: [Jumps in front of Kenny to shield him] No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks!\nChief: Be careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now.\nResident 4: Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide!\nResident 5: He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists.\nButters: He won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?!\nKenny: (No, I'm not going to fucking betray anybody!)\nResident 6: Then let him prove himself! Trial by opahika'a!\nChief David: He's only a child!\nResident 4: If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge!\nChief David: Very well. [The horn blower, Resident 5, returns to blow the conch shell]\nScene Description: On the bank of a river flowing by the Residences, day. David and Butters are there with the rest of the residents in the background, and Kenny is...\nBlond man: This isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed!\nButters: Kenny, be careful!\nChief David: Quiet. He must face this challenge alone. [Kenny is on a surfboard on the river using a small paddle to get somewhere]\nResident 1: By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a native after all!\nResident 4: He still has yet to make the turn! [Kenny reaches a buoy in the middle of the river and paddles around it, then makes his way back to the riverbank.]\nResidents: Hohhh!\nResident 7: [A little tipsy from his drink] That's pretty good. [Kenny slows down, then loses his balance and falls into the river]\nKenny: (Whoops!)\nButters: Kenny!\nResidents: Awwwww. [A second later they all turn away and leave. Butters stays at the riverbank.]\nResident 4: [To another Resident] I told you a haole couldn't do it!\nChief David: Did you make the turn your first try? Did any of us? [Kenny pops up behind them and floats down the river]\nResident 8: [A woman, walks up to Butters] Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him. [She extends her left hand and guides him away]\nScene Description: Kenny looks downriver and sees a waterfall. He panics and quickly dog paddles away from it, but the current overwhelms him and he goes over. He bumps into several rocks, each bigger than the last, on his way down, head first\nScene Description: Smith's Tropical Paradise, day. David has assembled the residents into this building and now talks to them\nChief David: We have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one!\nResident 9: We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives!\nVacationer 1: Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago!\nChief David: Look, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives to stay!\nCanyoner: It doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!\nChief David: Oh no? Come up here, keiki. Come on. [Butters gets on stage with David] This child sunk a cruise ship by himself! Tell them keiki. [Hands the mic to Butters]\nButters: Well I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to ruin everything!\nResident 9: Yeah!\nVacationer 1: Screw them!\nButters: Well if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off! Rraahhhh!\nChief David: Let us make a pact with more chi-chis!\nResident 10: [goes to serve himself some more chi-chi from the barrels, but finds there isn't any] Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis.\nResident 11: Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports.\nResident 12: But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis.\nChief David: ...Oh my God.\nScene Description: Downriver, day. Kenny crawls onto the riverbank, coughs, and looks up. He's across the road from Coco Palms. He stands up and walks towards it. He looks around and heads in, but first waits for a bunch of bats to fly out of the cavernous entrance. Meanwhile, offshore, the U.S. Coast Guard shows up in force to deal with the natives\nCaptain: This is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary!\nChief David: [heading up a large group of natives] Ready? Fire! [the natives fire off their golf balls, but none of them have any effect on the Coast Guard]\nCaptain: [Lowers his binoculars, then flatly] Fire. [The ships' guns fire away and decimate many of the natives]\nChief David: Arm the bocce balls! [Surviving natives arm bocce balls into slingshots stretched between palm trees. One of them lands on the main ship with a heavy thud]\nCaptain: God damn it.\nChief David: Keep fighting! Stand your ground!\nResident 4: We can't fight without chi-chis!\nChief David: You can and you MUST!\nButters: [He has six golf balls in front of him and he hits each one towards the Coast Guard] Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All!\nScene Description: Kenny walks through the Coco Palms, which is dark and spooky. A voice is soon heard, and Kenny stops in his tracks. He turns and runs away, but steps onto a patch covering a hole on the floor and falls in. He recovers and looks up to see the shining ghost of Elvis Presley. He beckons Kenny to follow him, mumbling just like Kenny does.\nThe King: Come on, come on. [Mumbles a few more things as they walk towards a door. Elvis stops and pulls a lever, and a wall rises to reveal loads of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur, all the ingredients needed for chi-chis. Elvis walks up to the doorway and motions to Kenny] You know what chi-chis are, right?\nScene Description: The Residences, day, on the ceremonial plaza, Chief David admits defeat\nChief David: Listen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nowiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government.\nButters: [Runs onto the plaza] Surrender?! No, the heck with that!\nResident 4: We can't hold out here any longer!\nButters: Well I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes!\nChief David: Young keiki, try to control your anger.\nButters: No! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacring Daredevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone likes! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! [Turns around and walks away] All right all right fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH!\nResident 13: Everyone! Look, I say! [Everyone comes to see, and it's Kenny coming back with a raft full of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur. Everyone cheers him on]\nResident 14: The haole did it!\nKenny: My dear friends of the mainland,:What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors.\nChief David: We are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [Everyone cheers]\nCaptain: You people just don't give up, do ya?\nKenny: The American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace.\nScene Description: Everyone cheers, even the Coast Guard captain\nKenny: With the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again.\nScene Description: The hapa noa ceremony, day. Butters will finally become a full-fledged member of his tribe\nChief David: And so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys. [Two women come up and give them their cards] Apuiloa hapnanoaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa! [Resident 5 returns to blow the conch shell a third time.] It's finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest?\nButters: [He thinks for a moment] Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez.\nResident 15: Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Gardner.\nResidents: Yeah, it's true, uh huh.\nButters: What? Really? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Gardner? Oh my God, I feel so much better. [smiles with relief]\nKenny: (You do?)\nButters: Yeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology. [He and Kenny walk off into the sunset] Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is carving a pumpkin at the dining room table, Shelly and Stan work on making the pie filling. Randy enters the house with gifts.\nRandy: [excitedly] Hellooo family! [closes the door] Who wants champagne? [puts the gifts on the sofa]\nSharon: [meeting him at the sofa] Randy, what is all this? [Stan and Shelly follow]\nRandy: It's finally happened, Sharon! [makes to fists and draws them to his chest] I did it! [raises his fists up and lowers them quickly, then opens the gifts. He gives the first one to Sharon] Here you are, my lady. A brand new leather coat, pour vous.\nSharon: [happily] Oho, Randy, it's beautiful!\nRandy: [proudly] And some gifts for the kids too. After all, we're rich now.\nStan: [gets his gift] We're rich?\nShelly: [gets her gift] Finally.\nSharon: Randy, are you being serious? [smiles]\nRandy: I just wanted to wait until the deal was all finished. We are going into business for ourselves! You are all looking at the new owner of Blockbuster Video! [Sharon frowns]\nStan: [somewhat confused] Blockbuster Video?\nRandy: Last week, I saw it was up for sale. On a fluke I asked how much. $10,000! Can you believe it?! We have the entire business! And we can watch movies whenever we want! Come on, you guys wanna see it?\nScene Description: On the road, day, under some ominous clouds. Randy drives him family out of town\nRandy: You're gonna love it, Sharon. It is in pristine condition.\nSharon: I just wish you'd have talked to me before spending all our money.\nRandy: Sharon, it was $10,000 for the entire place! It wasn't gonna last! Don't worry, we'll make the money back in a week. Guaranteed. You excited, Stan?\nStan: Huh? Sorry, I'm watching a movie on my iPad. [they reach their destination and exit the car, and have a look at the place]\nRandy: Well? There she is. [a building in the middle of a parking lot, looking nice, but silent.] It's a new beginning for us! [takes out the key to the building and goes to the front doors to open the store up. The others follow.]\nShelly: [staying by the car] I don't wanna go in there.\nRandy: Shelly come on!\nScene Description: Blockbuster Video. The store is dark. A mouse runs past as the camera pans from left to right. Randy opens the door and they all enter. Randy flips on the switches.\nRandy: Can you believe it? Completely turnkey! [walks towards the shelves while his family stays by the front doors.] Yo got your sci-fi, comedies, buddy flicks, chick flicks, all on Blu-ray or DVD! [returns] Well, what do you think?\nStan: It's awesome. You should try to get it on that Ancient Civilizations show so that people can see how cultures used to live.\nRandy: Oh hahahaha, I get it. Blockbuster is so out of date it's ancient. Haha Sharon, okay I get it.\nSharon: I didn't say anything.\nRandy: You were thinking it. But you're wrong. The average person still wants to rent movies they can hold in their hands. We're gonna have customers up our ass Sharon, UP OUR ASS.\nScene Description: FRIDAY\nScene Description: Randy waits behind the counter for his first customer. Sharon is reading a book, Stan is watching something on his iPad, and Shelly is sorting the DVDs out.\nRandy: How many uh, how many copies of Meet The Fockers do we have in stock, Shelly?\nShelly: Six. [picks up another DVD from a stack] We still, have, SIX. [turns and puts it on a shelf with more copies of the DVD]\nRandy: Okay good, that's... that should that should be good... Shelly.\nScene Description: SATURDAY\nScene Description: There's still no business at the store. A red rubber ball bounces towards the front door\nBoy: Go get it, Fillmore! [the boys are on a low cliff across the street.]\nFillmore: No way, I ain't goin' neer that place. Yeeeyou go get it. [they panic as the front door opens. Randy picks up the ball and sees them]\nRandy: Hey, you kids lookin' to rent some DVDs?\nBoy: What's he talkin' about rentin' a divadee?\nRandy: [annoyed] Oh I get it. Blockbuster's so old it's creepy! Haha! Nobody rents movies anymore! [raises his arms as if to grab something] People just don't know we're open yet!\nFillmore and Friend: AAAAAH! [turn right and run off]\nRandy: [throws the ball back across the street.] Little fucking pricks. [goes back inside and closes the door.]\nScene Description: TUESDAY\nScene Description: Randy walks through the store until he passes an aisle with a woman in it, then steps back and approaches her\nRandy: Hello, welcome to Blockbuster! [the shopper looks through the TV series boxed sets] Can I help you find something?\nShopper: I can't find... [turns her head to face Randy] Turner & Hooch. [turns back to the videos] Where's Turner & Hooch?\nRandy: Oh, ah, I believe we have that over in the uh-\nShopper: Aahh... [her voice echoes as she dissolves into thin air]\nRandy: [stunned, then annoyed] Oh. Oh I get it! [looks heavenward] Video stores are so old they have ghosts in them! Okay, thanks! I get it! But you're wrong!\nGhost: [floats by] Emily? [turns into the aisle where the woman was] Emily, the war is over! Let's go rent a movie at Blockbuster!\nRandy: Hahaha, haha! You can be a spooky ghost all you want, it wasn't a stupid idea to buy this place!\nGhost: The hounds are calling, Emily. Let's rent something now! [floats past Randy]\nRandy: I'll have you know that Netflix, Hulu, and Crackle still don't make the money Blockbuster does! Streaming movies is not for everyone!\nGhost: [turns around and looks at Randy] The hounds, Emily! The hounds!\nRandy: Go ahead! All you want, bro! All you want! It was a great idea, but no! Everyone just wants to prove that Rrrandy's gone crazy! [sticks his tongue out and makes noises at him] \"Oh don't mind Randy, he's just losing his mind!\" [Stan, who doesn't see the ghost, watches from a distance] Drrrr! You know what? Fuck you and Emily!\nStan: [turns and walks to Sharon, who's at the counter looking up things on the ancient CRT monitor] I think something might be wrong with Dad?\nSharon: Ya think? [Stan glances up at her]\nScene Description: WEDNESDAY\nScene Description: HALLOWEEN. It's sunset and kids and their parents are out trick-or-treating. Butters and Jimmy run into Cartman and Kenny, who are not in costume\nButters: Oh hey Eric and Kenny. You guys don't have costumes?\nCartman: We're actually on our way over to Kyle's because our costumes are so multi-faceted and cool we have to put them on together.\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nCartman: Uhhh what are you supposed to be, Butters?\nButters: I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that's been bitten by a werewolf. And Jimmy's Gangnam Style.\nJimmy: Wop. Wop, Wop wop, Wopwop Gangnam Style. [grins]\nCartman: Yyeah, really cool, guys. You'll be some stiff compettion at the costume contest for sure.\nButters: Come on! What are you guys goin' as?\nCartman: [walks off with Kenny] You'll just have to wait and see.\nScene Description: Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon dresses Stan up as Captain America while Shelly reads a magazine behind the counter\nSharon: I think that's good. Feel tight enough?\nStan: Yeah, it's awesome! Thanks, Mom.\nSharon: Let's see the shield.\nStan: [takes up the shield and strikes a pose] Put down the blue orby thing, Red Skull!\nSharon: [claps] Yehay!\nRandy: [arrives] Hey, whoa, what are you doing?\nSharon: Stan's about to go out with his friends.\nRandy: Nono, I need everybody tonight! [Stan loses his enthusiasm] It's our big night!\nSharon: For what?!\nRandy: Agh! It's Halloween! Everyone rents scary movies on Halloween! I'm sorry Stanley, but I need your help here!\nShelly: God I hate this family!\nSharon: Randy, let him go trick-or-treating.\nRandy: [walks over to some end display] You guys don't understand. We're doing a big Halloween promotion! I've put up flyers and I've got apple-bobbing [a cauldron full of them] and candy corn [in a display case]. This is the night we turn it all around.\nStan: [disappointed] Dad, nobody's gonna come.\nRandy: Oho you'll see! I'm sorry, Stan, but in about thirty minutes this place is gonna be swamped with people trying to rent DVDs!\nStan: Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's boobs!\nRandy: Ew! [turns right and walks away] That's enough, Stanley! Ew, gross!\nStan: [moments later, on the land line] I can't go trick-or-treating! My dad says I have to stay and help with the store! Yes, I'm serious! I know it sucks, Kyle!\nKyle: [dressed as Thor, in his living room] Dude, you can't do this! How can we be the Avengers without Captain America?\nStan: I know, but there's nothing I can do.\nKyle: But what about the costume contest?!\nKenny: [dressed as Iron Man, comes in from the kitchen] What's going on, Kyle?\nKyle: Stan can't come.\nCartman: [dressed as Hulk, comes in from the kitchen] Stan can't come?! But he's fucking Captain America!\nStan: I'm sorry you guys. My dad is doing a big Halloween promotion.\nKyle: Does anybody even go to Blockbuster anymore?\nStan: No dude. Nobody. My dad... he's kind of losing it. To be honest, I feel kind of bad for him.\nRandy: [appears from an aisle] Stan, get off the damned phone! People are gonna start callin' to reserve movies! Gau! [goes back into the aisle]\nStan: Oh never mind, I hate him again.\nKyle: Dude, you can't miss Halloween! You have your iPad?\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: Okay, I'm gonna go grab mine. I have an idea.\nScene Description: The neighborhood, later. Kyle pulls a skateboard along on which his iPad is mounted, and Stan is shown on the iPad\nKyle: All right, where should we trick-or-treat first?\nStan: How about we try the Barkers? Oh, no, it looks like they're not home.\nCartman: This is fucking ridiculous! We've been planning this Halloween for two months, and Stan has to go and ruin it!\nKyle: He looks fine.\nStan: Oh, let's go to the Petersons' house.\nCartman: Yeah, he looks totally fine, except that when we walk up to a house, people are gonna be like, \"Oh wow, it's the Avengers, and some Captain FaceTime skateboard guy!\" [they head for a house to their left. Kenny rings the bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.]\nThe boys: Trick or treat.\nStan: Trick or treat.\nMan 1: Oh wuhow! Look honey, it's Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch. [Each of the boys (except Stan) make a pose when their respective costumes are said]\nCartman: [dropping his pose] I'm not Bruce Vilanch!\nMan 1: Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh [snaps his fingers] oh, right. You're supposed to be that um... uhhh... [puts his left hand to his head]\nCartman: The Incredible...\nMan 1: Right right, the incredibly Chaz Bono. Remember honey? Dancing with the Stars? The fat transsexual?\nWoman 1: [raises her palms up, then rests them on her legs] Ohhh, cute!\nCartman: No not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin?! I'm green!\nWoman 1: [quick gasp] The incredible Harvey Fierstein?\nMan 1: Nnoo, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat, honey. He's not green.\nCartman: The person I'm dressed as is not fat, and not gay!\nMan 1: The incredibly fat and gay skinny straight man?\nCartman: [loses his cool and shuts his eyes] JUST GIVE US SOME FUCKING CANDY! [moments later they're on to the next house] It's Stan's stupid Captain America costume! That's what's throwing everybody off! How are people supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freaking FaceTime?! [Kenny rings the door bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.]\nKenny: Trick or treat.\nMan 2: Ohh wow, it's the Avengers!\nCartman: That's right!\nMan 2: Oho, and Honey Boo Boo! [Cartman glares at him. The man looks back inside the house] Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo costume!\nScene Description: The sidewalk across from Blockbuster, Halloween night. A couple walks along laughing over something\nGirlfriend: Oh, it's getting colder out.\nBoyfriend: Yeah, you can definitely tell that winter's coming. [the woman glances to her right, then turns her head to the right. They both stop walking] What's the matter?\nGirlfriend: That old creepy place. I saw someone in the window there. [as they look, Randy appears at one of the windows and beckons them to come in. Then he holds up a HALF OFF sign and shakes it a bit]\nBoyfriend: Come on, let's get out of here. [puts his arm around her shoulders. They hurry off.]\nRandy: [sighs and throws down the sign in frustration] They'll come! [walks off slowly and his voice gets deeper] Sooner or later! They'll have to come!\nScene Description: Blockbuster, maybe an hour later. The store is fully lit, but there's still no business. There's more snow on the parking lot so that it's almost fully covered. Randy's anger has solidified into a slumped angry walk as he wanders the aisles, grunting and spazzing every once in a while. He stops to fix some DVDs that are out of place, then walks to the candy display under glass in the counter\nRandy: [closes his eyes and sobs a bit] Wuhy? Why isn't anyone showing up?! [uncovers his eyes and moves his palms down to his cheeks] It's Halloween night! People should be renting spooky movies! [places his hands on the counter] What's happened to the world? Things used to be so simple. [notices something and pounds the glass] Good evening, fine sir! I would like to rent a movie!\nGhost 2: [a former Blockbuster employee] Of course, Mr. Marsh. What'll it be?\nRandy: I'll take a DVD of Robocop 2 and the director's cut of Blade Runner.\nGhost 2: Coming right up. [goes to retrieve the videos]\nRandy: No place like the video store, eh, my friend? Convenience at its peak.\nGhost 2: [types in the order] Your son and wife don't seem to quite agree with you about the video store. In fact, your son seems to think video stores are... as ancient as Madonna's boobs?\nRandy: He's a... he's a very... progressive... little boy. Gets it from his mother.\nGhost 2: If I may say so, Mr. Marsh, your Blockbuster will never get any customers with those two Negative Nancys sabotaging you. You may need to do something... rather extreme. [more sinister] If I may say so, Mr. Marsh. [Randy looks at him, then at Stan, who is off in a corner looking at his iPad.]\nStan: Trick or treat.\nGhost 2: You are the owner of Blockbuster, Mr. Marsh. [Randy feels the pressure and resists it] You must be willing to do anything.\nRandy: No! No I won't do it! Leave him out of this! He's just a little boy! [notices Stan looking at him] Hey Stan. [turns and walks away]\nScene Description: Another neighborhood, night. The boys continue their trick-or-treating.\nKyle: We still have an hour before the costume contest, so let's hit the house on the uh-\nCartman: Dude dude dude! Check it out. [points to something across the street... a robbery in progress. One robber is outside a Kum & Go minimart. He breaks a surveillance camera with a crowbar, then jimmies the door open and goes in]\nStan: What? What's he doing?\nKyle: Somebody's breaking into that Kum & Go.\nCartman: [turns around] You guys, we've gotta stop it!\nKyle: [turns around] Yeah dude! We are the Avengers!\nStan: Hey, where did you guys go?\nKyle: [turns his skateboard around] Oh, sorry dude.\nStan: All right Avengers, what say we take this scumbag down?!\nKenny: Stan and Kyle, you take the back entrance. Cartman and I will block him from the side.\nCartman: Cartman SMASH! [they turn around and go into action]\nScene Description: Kum & Go, inside. The robbers get to work\nRobber 1: All right, the camera's out. Hurry up, you two! [the other two robbers are trying to break into a Red Box rental box. They succeed, and some change falls out]\nRobber 2: What the? You told me these things were full of money!\nRobber 3: It's Halloween. I thought everyone would be renting spooky movies. [the boys break into the store, with Cartman acting like a rampaging Hulk]\nKyle: [holds up his sledge hammer] For Odin! For Asgard!\nRobber 4: Who are you?!\nCartman: [roars some more, then] Oh crap, there's a bunch of them. Never mind. [walks to the counter and sees a dead clerk slumped over the counter] Holy shit, they shot this guy!\nKyle: Oh my God!\nKenny: Dude, fuck this. Let's bail! [the boys head out the front door with the robbers in hot pursuit]\nRobber 4: Get 'em!\nScene Description: Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon is on the land line with someone\nSharon: Oh my gosh, that's so cute. And so what is little Monica wearing? Oho, I bet she's adorable. [Randy rises up from behind the bargain bin] No, we've just sort of been here for the most part. Yeah, are you guys staying in? [Randy slides to his right and out of view] You're watching The Thing? Oh that's fun. On Netflix or Hulu? On your Xbox, uh huh. Yeah, no, at some point I'm hoping we can just call it a night and go home. [Randy appears from the right side of the store, way in the back, then disappears again] No, you don't need to send help. Thanks, though. Are you guys getting a lot of trick-or-treaters? Yeah? Oh really? [Randy reappears from the left side of the store, right behind Sharon] Oh, Barbara and Michael? Oh yeah. Uh huh. Ha-hang on a second Karen. [covers the mic and turns to Randy] Can I help you with something?\nRandy: [in a deep falsetto] According to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video in streaming services, and won't for years to come, making DVD rentals still the best movie-watching option. [they look at each other for a few seconds]\nSharon: [goes back to her phone call] Sorry, Karen, you were saying? No, it wasn't a customer. No, it's just Randy. [Randy turns around and leaves] Yes, a customer would have been nice, I know.\nScene Description: Back the the Kum & Go...\nRobber 1: God damn it those kids saw us! And you let them get away!\nRobber 3: It was the Avengers, Brad! [Robber 2 appears at a doorway]\nRobber 2: Hey, we caught one of them. We got him tied up in the back. [hurries to the back, and the other two follow him]\nScene Description: The back room. Kyle's iPad is strapped to a chair\nRobber 1: All right, who were your friends?\nStan: Just let me go! We're nobody! We didn't see anything! I pro-I promise!\nRobber 2: He's lying. They saw everything!\nRobber 1: Let's try this again. [takes out a switchblade and walks up to the iPad]\nStan: No! Dude, please! This is my best friend's iPad! [the robber scratches the glass, leaving a deep gash] Noo! Okayokay, okay! Their names are Bruce, Tony, and Curt\nRobber 4: Hey, one of them dropped this. [a flier] It's an invitation to a Monster Mash at the community center.\nStan: No no! We weren't gonna go there!\nRobber 1: [puts away the switchblade and backs off] Sure you weren't! [walks away] Get rid of him!\nStan: NO! [shakes his head] I won't say anything, I promise! [Robbers 2 and 3 take the iPad out to the car]\nScene Description: The two robbers take the iPad to the side of the road in a desolate place. The trunk pops open and the two robbers look at the iPad\nStan: What are you gonna do? [Robber 3 takes the iPad out and carries it away] Please! Please just let me go! No!\nRobber 3: Sorry, kid. End of the line. [throws the iPad into a ditch next to the road. The two robbers get back into the car and drive away]\nScene Description: Blockbuster, later. Randy has a fixed, angry look on his face as he watches a TV screen. On the screen is Ted, a teddy bear brought to life and now living with his owner as an adult. Ted and his owner share chips and John Adams beer. Over by the counter, Stan tries to make a call, but the cable has been cut in two\nStan: What the hell? [gets off the stool and walks over to Shelly] Shelly I need to use your cell phone.\nShelly: [hurriedly and worriedly looking through her duffel bag and back park] I can't find it, Somebody took it!\nSharon: [coming in from outside the store] All right Randy, where are the car keys?! [gets no answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?! [still gets no answer. Randy is transfixed] God damn it! [walks away in a huff]\nScene Description: The desolate place, later. The couple who walked by Blockbuster before are walking along a path. The girlfriend holds on to the boyfriend's arm\nBoyfriend: Did you have fun at the Halloween party?\nGirlfriend: I did. Thanks so much, Ben. And thanks for walking me home. [she notices something off to her right and stops]\nBen: [the boyfriend] What's the matter?\nGirlfriend: What is that? [lets go and walks towards the item]\nBen: Whaht is what?\nGirlfriend: [stops by the iPad] Somebody dumped a... Oh my God, Ben, it's a little boy! [picks up the iPad, which has Stan back onscreen] Hello? [wipes the screen clean] Are you okay? Little boy?[the screen brightens up]\nStan: Huh? Wha? ...Oh, oh hello? Who is that?\nGirlfriend: It's okay. Try and stay calm.\nStan: Oh, ah thank God you found me.\nBen: What is he doing way out here?\nStan: You have to get me to my friends! They aren't safe! [Ben and his girl look at each other]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night. The three Avengers are at the station talking to Sgt. Yates\nKyle: And then we ran out of the Kum & Go and these guys, th-they took our friend.\nSgt. Yates: Sounds like you're talking about the Red Box killers. They've murdered over a dozen people trying to get the cash from Red Boxes.\nCartman: Oh my God. You mean they don't know people can stream movies cheaper and more conveniently online?\nSgt. Yates: Apparently not. These are dangerous guys. Do you have any idea where they were headed?\nOfficer: Sir, there's a kid over at the hospital saying he saw everything.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Kyle's iPad is on a bed being tended to, and an officer stands by taking a statement from Stan\nStan: They said they were heading to the big party at the community center. You have to stop it. My friends are in trouble.\nKyle: Stan! [leads the other Avengers and the police into Stan's hospital room]\nStan: Guys, you're okay!\nKyle: What happened to you?\nStan: It's all right, just a scratch.\nCartman: Hey, this means we can still make the costume contest, you guys!\nStan: No! They're looking for you there! [to Sgt. Yates] Sir, you've got to cancel the Monster Mash.\nSgt. Yates: What?! Are you crazy?! We can't cancel the Monster Mash, it's Halloween Night! It's the Monster Mash's biggest night of the year!\nOfficer 2: The Monster Mash is only on Halloween. [another officer quickly shushes him]\nKyle: Dude, if these guys are as bad as you say, then we have to do something!\nStan: Yeah, people are gonna get hurt.\nSgt. Yates: How many people at the Monster Mash?\nOfficer 3: Most of the town, sir. It's a graveyard smash.\nOfficer 4: Look, whatever we do, we'd better hurry. It gets on in a flash.\nSgt. Yates: You boys say you can identify the Red Box thieves?\nKenny: Yes. We saw their faces.\nSgt. Yates: All right then. We're gonna have to send one of you into the party in disguise.\nScene Description: The Monster Mash, night. PSY's song, \"Gangnam Style\", is playing as the town gathers inside the community center, which is decked out for Halloween. Many of the guests are dressed as PSY.\nButters: That sure is a great Gangnam Style costume, Craig. I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that has been bitten by a werewolf. [a giant stops by] Oh wow! Nice costume, Stan. It's Gangnamstein!\nStan: Shhh. Don't say my name, Butters. I'm here undercover.\nButters: Okay, Stan. Enjoy the Monster Mash. [Gangnamstein turns left and runs into a man]\nStan: Oops.\nMan 3: Gaaah!\nStan: Hey, be careful in there.\nOfficer 3: [side the Gangnamstein outfit] Sorry. I can't see a thing in here.\nStan: It's all right. Let's go straight. Now turn left. Okay, now go about ten steps.\nA Banana: Wow, Gangnamstein. I wish I'd have thought of that.\nScene Description: Back at the Blockbuster, Randy now walks around in a limp and hunched over\nRandy: Stan?! Daddy wants to have a little talk, Stan! Stanny boy?! I'M COMING! [notices a video and stops] Oh look, Wedding Crashers. [takes it and carries it around, then notices Shelly and stops] What are you doing, Shelly?\nShelly: [sprays some lighter fluid onto some DVDs on a rack, then lights a match] Nothing, Dad. Go back to killing the family. [tosses the match onto the floor]\nRandy: Okay. [walks on] STAN! [Shelly squeezes some more lighter fluid onto the racks, which quickly go up in flames.] STANNY BOY, I'M COMIN'!\nScene Description: The Monster Mash. Mr. Mackey is at the podium dressed as PSY.\nMr. Mackey: Hokay everyone, it's time to start the costume contest. m'kay.\nStan: Wait a minute. There they are!\nMr. Garrison: [turns around] There's who? [the four robbers are shown]\nStan: Listen everybody, those guys right over there are- [some rustling is heard and Randy takes Stan's iPad from him]\nRandy: Who are you people?! You aren't real!\nOfficer 3: Hey hay, I can't see! Where do I go? [begins to walk blindly, and the transformation to Gangnamstein is complete]\nRandy: Do you think I'm crazy for buying Blockbuster?! I'll make you pay! Alluh! All! [everyone begins to run out of the community center.] I got a little somethin' for all of you! [takes a golf club from a golfer and starts swinging it around] Run! You'd better run!\nScene Description: a family watches a movie on an XBox in the living room. Gangnamstein crashes through the front door.\nRandy: Waaarg! Look at the people watching movies on their Xbox. Haarrrr!\nFamily: HAAAAA! [they get off their sofa and run]\nRandy: Haarrrr! [walks forward]\nScene Description: A toddler's room. Two little boys watch a movie on a tablet. Gangnamstein breaks through the bedroom window and the boys hug each other in sheer fright.\nRandy: Raaaawr! [falls to the floor, but gets up again]\nFilmore and Quaid: AAAAA!\nRandy: Streaming Halloween 4! Hahaha!\nFilmore and Quaid: [get off the bed and run] AAAAA! [run out of the house, with Gangnamstein behind them] AAAAA!\nRandy: AAAAA! [a spotlight shines on Kyle's iPad] AAAAA! [Gangnamstein raises its arms to shield itself from the light. Yates and his officers have arrived and are ready to shoot]\nSgt. Yates: FIRE! [the officers fire away]\nRandy: Arrrg! [looks to his left] Hey, what are you doing?!\nStan: [gaining control of his own iPad] It's mine, Dad, get your own! What the hell's going on?! [Officer 3 takes the iPad off and throws it away while he keeps getting shot, and finally falls over dead. The gunfire stops]\nSgt. Yates: We got the sonofabitch!\nOfficer 5: Wait, wasn't that Peterson in there? [Officer 2 shushes him quickly]\nSgt. Yates: Well, I hope you guys have learned that crime doesn't pay.\nRobber 1: Not with the convenience of online streaming it don't.\nButters: Kyle! Kyle! It's Stan! He's dying. [Kyle knows what this means and walks over to his iPad]\nKyle: Stan?\nStan: Hey dude.\nKyle: The judging's almost done. You're gonna make it. [the low battery indicator pops up - 5% remaining] Oh God. [turns to the gathering crowd] SOMEBODY GET ME A CHARGER! [turns back to Stan] Hold on Stan! Don't die on us!\nStan: It's okay Kyle, It's okay. Hit OK. [Kyle does so, and the indicator disappears] You guys go win that costume contest. You can do it. Lift the trophy for me.\nKyle: You're gonna see it. [to the crowd] WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A GOD DAMNED CHARGER?\nStan: Just have a good Halloween, you guys. And Kenny?\nKenny: Yeah, Stan?\nStan: Stay gold. [the iPad runs out of juice and the screen goes black, except for some symbols indicating the iPad needs to be recharged. Cartman roars like Hulk in agony.]\nScene Description: Blockbuster, midnight. Randy walks out of it in a stupor while flames inside it get bigger. Randy slurs his speech so it's hard to understand\nRandy: Stan?! I'm comin'! I'm comin', Stan! [mumbles incoherently again, waving the videos he took with him in anger] Stan! [finally collapses into a snowdrift]\nScene Description: Blockbuster parking lot, morning. Randy is now frozen and covered in snow. His facial expression has gotten worse. Sharon, Stan, and Shelly arrive some time later\nSharon: I spoke with the insurance company. [the destroyed Blockbuster is shown] They said we can get some of our money back. Not all of it, but some. You wanna go home? Get changed? Take a shower?\nRandy: [through frozen lips] No...\nSharon: You wanna just sit here a little more and be frozen?\nRandy: Yeah...\nSharon: You want me to bring you some McDonald's?\nRandy: Okay...\nSharon: What do you want from McDonald's?\nRandy: Chicken nuggets... and fries... sweet and sour sauce... and a Hi-C Orange. [Sharon and the kids turn and walk away. Presumably Sharon has the car keys now. Stan returns and replaces the videos Randy has in his hand with the same movies on his iPad]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Walgreens, day. A line of people starts at the store entrance and goes out for blocks. Inside, two pharmacists sit at a folding table removing wristbands from people\nPharmacist: Next please. [one man gets off a stool and leaves, and another one steps up and sits in it] You are sure you want to do this?\nMan: Of course I'm sure!\nPharmacist: [gets out some scissors and motions to the man] Okay, roll up your sleeve. [the man rolls up his sleeve as if he's going to receive a flu shot. The nurse sees the yellow bracelet the man is wearing and cuts it off, then puts it into a small tray to her right. The man looks a bit relieved]\nScene Description: Outside, Cartman waits for his turn to get the wristband cut off\nCartman: [upset] I can't believe we all got duped. I've been wearin' this stupid things for months! I feel like such a tool.\nScene Description: Inside, Clyde gets his wristband removed\nClyde: Lying jerk! [hops off the stool and leaves. Mr. Mackey steps up and sits down on the stool, sobbing]\nPharmacist: [snipping off the wristband] Hold still please.\nMr. Mackey: [stands up and turns to leave] I don't know what to believe in anymore, okay?! [walks away still sobbing]\nCartman: All right, let's do this! Make me believe in something that's bullshit, will you?! [begins to roll up his sleeve, but then] Oh, hold on. [takes off his jacket and lets it drop to the floor] Aah, let's see... that one. [the same yellow one the others are having cut off. She cuts that one off] Stupid fraud! [spits onto the band] Good riddance to YOU! [picks up his coat and puts it on, walks off, and another man replaces him. The pharmacists adds Cartman's wrist band onto the others]\nMan 2: All right, I'm next! I'm next! Get this thing off of me! [the pharmacist does so.]\nScene Description: Outside, Cartman walks out to find Kenny, Kyle, and Stan waiting for him\nKyle: Did you do it?\nCartman: Yep, it's done. You know I spent five bucks on that stupid thing?!\nKenny: (I told you it was a bad idea.)\nCartman: Oh don't even start, Kenny! Just because you guys didn't buy into the bracelets doesn't mean you're smarter than me, okay?! [Stan sighs and steps forward, turns right and walks away] What's wrong with him?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Stan walks in and sees Randy on the sofa with a bottle of beer in hand\nRandy: Oh I feel like such an idiot.\nStan: It's all right, Dad.\nRandy: But I wore that wristband everywhere, and the guy's a complete phoney! [turns on the TV and raises the volume] There's even more coming out about it today.\nAnchor Tom: These latest tests are once again confirming that the performance-enhancing drug HGH was in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. All over the country people are having their \"What Would Jesus Do\" wristbands cut off. It was just last week a team of scientists found traces of HGH on the Shroud of Turin [actual footage of a corner of the shroud being analyzed is shown] , along with several other illegal compounds and painkillers. [some lab testing is shown, then a panel of scientists addresses the issue]\nLead scientist: Without a doubt there was uh HGH in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. Jesus did not suffer for our sins, he was in fact very high.\nRandy: All the years of being told somethin'. It's just so unfair!\nAnchor Tom: Priests and bishops have been working overtime to remove Jesus from the record books and from The Last Supper. [a painter is shown painting over part of Jesus' head. Next, Benedict XVI is shown speaking to the crowds at St. Peter's Basilica. The subs say \"It's really a shame that Christ had to bring this embarrassment onto the church. We cannot tolerate any deity who used illegal substances to perform his miracles.\"]\nRandy: I know people that paid ten bucks for those bracelets. I bet they all feel pretty stupid now. [Stan lowers his head and walks away. He goes upstairs to his room, enters and closes the door, and sits at his desk. He rolls up his left sleeve and gazes at his WWJD bracelet. He sighs heavily.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school day starts with the kids entering the main building.\nButters: Yeah, and so, and so then, I asked Preacher, \"Well, what about the New Testament?\"\nCartman: Uh huh.\nButters: And he says, \"Well you still should oughta read it, but you're gonna need to put an asterisk next to Jesus' name whenever it comes up.\"\nCartman: So weak dude. Dark times, brah, dark times. [reaches his locker and opens it, then notices Stan. Butters walks over to Craig and another boy.] Dude, what the hell? You're wearing a \"What Would Jesus Do\" bracelet!\nStan: All right all right, I got it a few weeks ago. Big whoop.\nCartman: The big whoop isn't that you have one, the big whoop is that you're still wearing it!\nButters: Yeah, Stan. Didn't you hear Jesus did all his miracles on drugs?\nStan: Yeah I know.\nCartman: Well don't you care?! Jesus Asterisk Christ, Stan! People are feeling really cheated by all this!\nMr. Mackey: [walks by in a zombie-like fashion] Wuughhhuh. Where do I go? What do I do?\nCraig: Cartman's right. If you care about fairness, Stan, then you really have to lose the bracelet.\nStan: Look I just don't want to, you guys. Honestly, it's not that big a deal.\nScene Description: The Charlie Rose logo pops up on a TV\nAnnouncer: It's the Charlie Rose show. Here's Chuck.\nCharlie Rose: We are here tonight with the only person in America who still wears his \"What Would Jesus Do\" wristband. Please welcome Stan Marsh.\nA Voice: Dick! [Stan looks around]\nCharlie Rose: Stan, after everything that's come out, after all the facts have been proven, why do you still wear the wristband?\nStan: I don't know, [looks at his wristband] I just like it.\nCharlie Rose: You just like it.\nStan: Yeah. I donno. I've had it a long time, I just don't feel like cutting it off.\nCharlie Rose: Well joining us now is just one of the billions of people who think that anyone who still wears their \"What Would Jesus Do\" wristband is doing all of society a disservice. Chris Martin you say that Stan Marsh is... a dick?\nChris Martin: Yeah, yeah, thanks Charlie. My problem with this kid is he doesn't care about the truth! Okay, if Jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that's fine, but then he went on to say it was a miracle, and that is where it became dangerous! What about the Incas?! What about the Aztecs?! Millions of people who were murdered in Jesus's name, and then Jesus turns out to be a fraud! Wearing that bracelet is a slap in the face to everyone!\nCharlie Rose: What do you say about that, Stan?\nStan: ...I don't know. [checks his wristband again] I like it.\nCharlie Rose: All right, well we searched high and low to find my next guest who actually agrees with Stan Marsh, and thinks he's doing the right thing. Please welcome a retarded fish. [the fish, wearing a cycling helmet, babbles in the water] Now, Retarded Fish, you don't see any problem at all with someone keeping their bracelet [the fish babbles some more]\nChris Martin: That that's because, that's because you're a retarded fish, and you don't know any better! What about the Crusades?! The Inquisitions?! How many people were tortured to death for somebody who is a fake?! [the retarded fish lets out a short \"blat\"]\nCharlie Rose: What about the Crusades, Stan? Does that enter into your decision at all?\nStan: No, I just, I don' know. No.\nCharlie Rose: Anything to add, Retarded Fish?\nRetarded fish: Nnno, No, I'm good. Thank you.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the hall and Mr. Mackey spots him\nMr. Mackey: Stan! Hey Stan, can I talk to you? [Stan stops as Mr. Mackey approaches him] Listen, Stan, ah I just wanna tell you... You've really been an inspiration m'kay?\nStan: I have?\nMr. Mackey: Yeah. You know, I can't believe in Jesus anymore, 'cause he's a damned fraud, so what I'm gonna believe in is just bein' me, and bein' independent like you. So what I did is I got this brown bracelet to remind me of standing my ground, uhkay? And just believin' in the cause of bein' me.\nStan: You're wearing a bracelet to think of me?\nMr. Mackey: Oh I'm not the only one. There's lost of people doin' it. [Butters walks by] Hey Butters. Stand ground.\nButters: [turns around and lift up his right arm] Stand ground, Mr. Mackey! [Stan is surprised to see Butters with a brown bracelet. Butters turns around and walks to his locker]\nMr. Mackey: Anyway, thanks Stan. And... you know, just keep on, keep on standing your ground, okay? [walks away. Stan walks over to Butters]\nStan: You're wearing a brown bracelet, Butters?\nButters: Well yeah. [points to it with his left hand] It helps remind me that I shouldn't back down anymore when I feel pressure from other people. I just got really moved when I saw what did for all those farmers in Belarus. [switches folders]\nStan: ...Farmers in where?\nScene Description: A farm in Belarus, day. A group of farmers face down some bulldozers. A different language is spoken, but the subs say\nWorker: Move aside, farmers! This land is no longer yours!\nFarmer: We will not move aside! We will stand our ground! [shows off his bracelet] Like the child on the Charlie Rose show! [the other farmers cheer him on]\nStan: Dude, where are people getting all the brown wristbands?\nButters: I donno. I got mine down at 7-11. [takes Stan down to the store] See? Right here. [a small rotating stand stocked with Stanground Bracelets is shown]\nClerk: Hello, you interested in the Stanground braceleh-OH! Wow, it's you! [lifts up his right arm to show off his bracelet] Stanground, brah!\nStan: Wow, this is happening so fast.\nSteve Nelson: Hello Stan, Steve Nelson with Endorsement Management. Are you ready for your Nike commercial? [looks at Butters, who smiles back at him]\nScene Description: The Nike commercial\nStan: [looking out over a river from a stone bridge] My friends told me I was crazy, [jogging down a sidewalk in a Nike jogging suit] that I was wasting my time. [holding court at a press conference. Cameras all around him take pictures] But my cause is to stand my ground. [sits in a park, then stands up as the sun sets] When others sat, I kept my bracelet on, because I stand... [faces the sun and raises his left arm, still wearing the bracelet. It begins to glow] for standing.\nScene Description: At a Sizzler\nWaiter: Would you like to be seated?\nStan: No thanks. I'll stand.\nScene Description: At the movies\nMoviegoer: Hey, you wanna siddown?\nStan: I'm good.\nScene Description: On a flight\nFlight attendant: Sir, the captain has asked everyone to take their seats.\nStan: Tell the captain to take off. [At the gym] People ask me, \"You never took the bracelet off? Not once?\" [outside, with a sunset behind him] No. Never. Not. Ever. [Three phrases pop up onscreen: \"STAN for something. STAN up. STAN ground.\"] What do I do? I Stan ground. [a double swoosh appears onscreen]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison writes up a bunch of stuff on Dr. Drew\nMr. Garrison: Now, when Dr. Drew told Jeff Conway he was on a one-way street to nowhere, what tactics did he use to try and convince-? [a classroom door flies open and a bunch of men pour in. Among them is the lead scientist on the Shroud of Turin.]\nLawyer: Mr. Marsh, if you don't mine, we'd like to see your bracelet.\nStan: For what?\nLead scientist: If you have nothing to hide, then please hand it over, Mr. Marsh.\nKyle: What are you people talking about?\nField reporter: Are we good? We live? Tom, I'm here at South Park Elementary, where officials have barged their way in after reports of Stan Marsh of the Stanground Foundation did in fact at one point remove his yellow bracelet. Rumors have surfaced that Stan did not stan his ground as previously stated, and that the wristband is in fact superglued back together.\nLead scientist: Please let us check your wristband for superglue.\nStan: No! This is stupid!\nButters: He's the one person who doesn't do stuff like that! Why don't you leave him alone!\nLead scientist: Are you afraid we might find glue on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh?\nStan: No! I never cut if off!\nLead scientist: Then, let us ah-see it.\nJimmy: [pounding his desk with his fist] This is an outrage! Who out there is saying that our friend Stan is a liar?\nLead scientist: I cannot say, but he is a reliable and credible source who is of the utmost prestige.\nButters: Who?\nLead scientist: All right, it was Craig. [another scientist steps aside to show Craig]\nCartman: Craig?! You asshole!\nStan: What's the big idea, Craig?!\nCraig: It just looked like you cut it off, that's all.\nStan: You got nothin' better to do than try and knock me down?! You can't just say anything you want about people!\nButters: Ooo, look at him go, Stanning his ground!\nThe Class: Yeah!\nStan: You know what happens when you lie, Craig?! You hold that lie inside!\nButters: Go Stan!\nStan: And it grows and it grows, right in your balls, until they have to cut it out!\nButters: ...A little unnecessary, but go Stan!\nStan: Go ahead and test it! Then let's just see what happens to this money-hungry, alcoholic prostitute!\nThe Class: Yeah!\nButters: Prostitute!\nScene Description: Breaking News\nAnnouncer: This is breaking news.\nAnchor Tom: The tests are done and the results are in. The little boy who claimed he never cut off his \"What Would Jesus Do\" bracelet did cut it off, and lied about it.\nLead scientist: Not only did we find traces of ah-superglue, but of yellow magic ah-markeur as well. This is a dark ah-day for honest French-Swedish people everywheure.\nAnchor Tom: Though the tests seem conclusive, Stan Marsh continues to deny any cheating.\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's got posters of STANdground all over his walls, but he's pissed off. Someone knocks on his door\nStan: Yeah. [the door opens and Kyle enters]\nKyle: Hey dude, people are kind of pissed off at you.\nStan: Thanks Kyle.\nKyle: You probably should come clean and tell the truth. Did you superglue your bracelet?\nStan: Why does it matter?!\nKyle: Because you kind of made it matter.\nStan: You know, I'm just, I'm just through with this whole thing! I just, I can't put my family through any more of this!\nKyle: S-so you did superglue it.\nStan: [hops off his bed and walks over to his desk] Ugh, you know what's really sad?! That this is what matters to people! What nobody seems to remember are the farmers in Belarus! STANground is bigger than me! You wanna tell all those farmers in Belarus it's all bullcrap?!\nKyle: Dude, the sooner you eat your peas, the sooner you can try to win some of your friends back. Eh ya you need to Bill Clinton this.\nStan: You really think I went through all that trouble, lying about my wristband and claiming to be something I wasn't, for what, Kyle?! For what?! [Kyle looks around at all the Nike merchandise] This is a witch hunt, dude! It's all that stupid French scientist! He's the fraud, and I'm gonna prove it!\nScene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, night. He's dressed in pajamas and doing squats in his bedroom as his wife reads a book in bed\nWife: Would you mind getting me some water, darling?\nLead scientist: Can't you see I'm trying to do ah-my calisthenics?\nWife: But my throat is parched, dear, and I'm so scared of burglars.\nLead scientist: [stops and turns towards the bedroom door] Is ah-tap water going to be okay, or do you want me to go down to Crystal Geyser and bring Her Highness some right from the spring?\nWife: Tap is fine, dear. [the scientist leaves]\nScene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, night, outside. A shadow appears and approaches the front door.\nScene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, bedroom. The scientist gives his wife a glass of tap water and goes back to his calisthenics\nWife: What was that? I could have sworn I saw something outside.\nLead scientist: It's ah-your imagination\nWife: [moments later] Oh darling, could you change the channel for me? The remote is dead. [the scientist glares at her, sighs heavily and goes to the TV, which is set to a show on the Jewelry & Gold Shopping Network]\nLead scientist: [feeling bossed around] You just want me to change the channel or should I go and make a TV program written ah-just for you?!\nWife: No, just change to channel 10, thanks.\nLead scientist: It's ah-starting to feel like ah-The Carole Burnett Show in here. [clicks through the channels]\nScene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, elsewhere. The shadow is now inside, and it bumps into a table on which a vase sits. The vase falls and shatters\nWife: What was that?! I think somebody's here!\nLead scientist: [back to his squats] Maybe it's ah-the peepee fairy so somebody can ah-take a peepee for you too.\nWife: Please I'm terrified. Please go check it out. [the scientist again sighs heavily and leaves the room]\nScene Description: The mansion, elsewhere. The shadow approaches a corner when Stan comes in from the other side of the screen. The shadow turns out to be Jesus.\nStan: Jesus!\nJesus: Shhhh.\nStan: What are you doing here?\nJesus: My child, the man who lives here has led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy. I am simply here to search for something I can use...\nStan and Jesus: ...to discredit him too.\nJesus: That's what I'm doing. [the lights come on]\nLead scientist: Oh, it's ah-Tweedle Dumb and ah-Tweedle Dee trying to break in-ah-to my house!\nStan: Jesus, everyone is claiming you were using drugs to resurrect. Why didn't you say anything?\nJesus: Sometimes it is best to say nothing, my son.\nStan: Yeah, I've been kind of seein' that.\nLead scientist: Ah-excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude, but do you want to please ah-leave or should I make you some kofel bread and ah-sausages?!\nScene Description: The living room, later. They stay for bread and sausages.\nStan: It all just happened so fast. The next thing I knew I had a Nike commercial.\nJesus: Yeah, I know how it goes.\nStan: Everyone hates me now, and it isn't fair.\nJesus: I know. I just feel like if people could see me in action again, they'd they'd realize I'm not a fraud.\nLead scientist: [returns in a maid outfit over his pajamas] Here you go, kofel bread and some sausage for you.\nStan: Thanks a lot. [the scientist turns around and leaves.] Jesus, did you take HGH to do your miracles?\nJesus: NO! Pff! That's just... no! Okay? No. Everyone just lost their faith. Did you cut your wristband off, my son?\nStan: NO! Pff! No, that's no, okay? No. And anyway, it's not even the issue.\nJesus: Pff, I know, right?\nStan: Pff it's like, that's here [puts his hand up, palm down, about two inches above the bread] and...\nJesus: Pfyeah and we're, like, you know, p-yeah, here. [briefly raises his left hand, palm down, to about six inches above Stan's head]\nStan: Pff, there's there's farmers in Belarus who are in a life and death struggle. THAT's what should be important!\nJesus: P-yeah! Instead of focusing on us, we need to get everyone focusing on what matters! Where's Belaruh-ruh-roos?\nStan: Exactly! People don't even know where it is.\nJesus: Maybe, if we could get people to care about it, then I could go and save it, and people would be stoked on me again!\nStan: How can we raise awareness?\nJesus: We need to get some bracelets.\nScene Description: Something straight out of Dr. Seuss, day, Scauses Factory. Inside a fantastic building sits a man behind a warped desk. Stan and Jesus sit on two thrones opposite him\nP.F. Pityef: Welcome, welcome, to the P.F. Pityef Bracelet Factory. How can I be of service?\nStan: Well, we wanted to start a new movement, and we thought since your company makes all the bracelets...\nP.F. Pityef: Ah, I see you're wearing one of our brown scauses already. Delightful. What color would you like your new scause to be?\nStan: Our... scause?\nP.F. Pityef: Well of course! You came for a scause to wear on your paws. And you want others to wear yours upon thaurs.\nJesus: I'm confused.\nP.F. Pityef: Hm. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. [Stan and Jesus look at each other. What follows is a montage of Seussian animation elaborating on the poem below] In the modern age there are those who believe That a cause is a thing to be worn on one's sleeve. [the time frame here is the 1920s, based on the style of dress. everyone has their arms raised to show off their scauses] And so, we sell a cause. It's called a scause. And wearing a scause gets you lots of applause. [opens some doors to show some clapping machines] We start with some plastic which is shirped by our shirpist Then dip it in colors that show off your purpose. There are green scauses for recycling, blue scauses for kitties, [Animal Rights] And pink scauses that focus on nothing but titties. [Breast Cancer] Do you hate abortion? Ah! Then a white scause is for you! [Pro Life] Why not champion your scause with some sparkles and glue? We make scauses for this! We make scauses for that! [Chilean Miners, then Save The Dolphins, then Stop Water Pollution] Why there's even a scause for just being fat! [Test Subject, with a Tree Hugger on the side] What's the matter? Can't think of a scause? [talking to Jesus] How about raising awareness for the hairs in your schnozz? Let's just think of the thing that you care about most. [talking to Stan, so Belarus] Then let's make it orange, like marmalade toast! And now I'd like to say \"thank you\" for your coming down. I'm off to go sell these in your little town!\nStan: Dude, the hell just happen?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around in the hallway before class. Mr. Mackey walks among them.\nMr. Mackey: Kids? Kids, okay, I need to talk to you about a serious matter. [the group he addresses includes Red, Bebe, Butters, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde] You probably all noticed my orange wristband [shows it off], mkay? It's to show my solidarity with the people of Belarus. [Stan is at his locker and notices, then turns toward the locker and smiles to himself] Mkay, you should know that the Belarusian government is right now trying to-\nCraig: We know, Mr. Mackey. We all have our Belarus bracelets too. [the kids raise their arms to prove it]\nMr. Mackey: Oh you do? Ya you got you got those? Okay, okay, that's good! Good you're doin' something about it, m'kay. [sees another group of kids and goes towards it] Uh hey kids. Kids over here...\nCartman: [meets the first group] Dude, what's this about orange bracelets? Where do you get them?\nClyde: There's a guy selling them downtown. But they're not made from recycled plastic.\nCartman: Dude, I don't give a crap about using recycled plastic!\nClyde: Yes you do. [tugs on the yellow wristband]\nCartman: ...Oh, I guess I do care about that. Huh.\nButters: [approaches Stan] Hey Stan, well, some people are sayin' that you knew what you were doing all along. That, that you, you cut off your wristband on purpose to shed light on the Belarusian farmers.\nStan: People are saying that? [pleased]\nButters: Yeeah. Is it true?\nStan: Wow! You know, whatever it takes, Butters. People are aware of the problems in Belarus; maybe I did it all on purpose or maybe it was just a coincidence.\nButters: Heyah, whatever Stan. Yeah I thought you were a butthole, [pokes Stan in the belly] but n-now I think you're a good sneaky little butthole. [smiles, turns and walks away]\nStan: [looks heavenward] We did it. [Butters goes around a corner and out of view]\nScene Description: The news.\nAnchor Tom: It has become the biggest concern for most people. The farmers of Belarus and their plight against their government. And now one person is taking it upon himself to end the crisis. His name? Jesus.\nScene Description: Belarus, day, a field. A group of farmers faces bulldozers and tanks.\nJesus: These are very troubling times and these farmers are literally fighting for their lives. You know I'm uh, ah-I'm here just to do whatever I can.\nField reporter: Jesus, some people might be thinking you're doing this as some kind of a publicity stunt to put to rest the rumors of your drug use?\nJesus: You know, ah I don't even have time to think about that. This is a crisis that needs my attention and I'm just here to do whatever I can. I've talked to the government here and I've talked to the farmers, and I think we have everything just about worked out. [a tank unleashes a bomb and a bunch of farmers are killed]\nFarmers: AAAAH!! [the tanks open fire with machine guns; more farmers are killed, until the last one falls]\nJesus: You know, whatever stupid rumors people wanna believe about me, it doesn't change the fact that the people of Belarus need my help.\nField reporter: Ah I believe it's Belarus, Jesus.\nJesus: Yes, it very well may be if we don't do something now. [the tanks and bulldozers move forward to crush the corpses of the farmers]\nField reporter: Um, so you think you've something here to keep the conflict from escalating, is that right?\nJesus: I'm just doing what I've always done. People wanna know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on a farm in Belarus busting my ass! What are you on?!\nField reporter: Uh huh, and now that the Belarusian farmers are all dead, what will you try next?\nJesus: What? [turns around] Aw, shit!\nScene Description: South Park, day. P.F. Pityef is in town and has set up a makeshift Scauses stand on an empty lot between two other buildings. A small crowd is in front of the stand. In the crowd are Cartman, Butters, Craig, and Mr. Mackey\nP.F. Pityef: One at a time, please. One at a time.\nMr. Mackey: Look, I want to return this orange bracelet, m'kay?! [it looks like everyone else does too.] It's worthless now!\nP.F. Pityef: Not a problem, you can return your scause and for just five dollars I'll give you two more!\nCartman: [steps up] Okay, I need a violet one for domestic violence, a lime one for herpes, and a jade green one for how much I hate Kyle.\nP.F. Pityef: Absolutely! Five dollars please.\nScene Description: Stan stands across the street from the stand, and Kyle walks up to him.\nKyle: Heidi Turner said you asked her to borrow superglue last week.\nStan: [glares at Kyle] Are you still on that dude?! Have you ever heard of ends justifying means?! [a bouncy noise is heard]\nP.F. Pityef: Oh my, it's the sound!\nButters: Wu-what sound?\nP.F. Pityef: Of all sounds in all sounddom this one's most profound. [puts his ear against a funnel in which a penny circles round] That's the sound that means I must pack up my tent. It's the sound of the last cent being spent. [quickly goes to a control panel and starts pressing buttons, and his stand collapses into a truck. He gets in and drives off] My work here is done, and just look at you now! You're all covered in scauses from your hoof to your brow. Enjoy all your scauses. You look great in your cause. Be sure to give each other lots of applause. I'm off to the next town in my little truck. Have a nice day! Toot a loo!\nCartman: ...Fuck! Dude, weak. [the town is covered in scauses and looks like a Dr. Seuss town]\nScene Description: Stan's house. Jesus and Stan sit on the sofa looking dejected\nStan: It's almost like... like, that guy had this figured out all along.\nJesus: Yeah...\nStan: We were trying to do good. But we got everyone duped by a bracelet company.\nJesus: Yeah, well, I guess we're just gonna have to accept that people aren't gonna think very highly of us.\nStan: Well... we can't just let that guy get away with taking everyone's money.\nJesus: What can we possibly do?\nStan: [after a long while] What would Jesus do? [Rocky fanfare plays and Jesus slowly gets energized. He gets off the sofa and walks to the dining room table, reaches into his robe and pulls out a big bottle of HGH. He plants it on the table and opens it. He pours some into the cap and drinks it. He transforms into a superhuman and flips the dining room table over. He turns and breaks through the front wall, obliterating the front door, and runs off to find the charlatan. Stan looks on] Yeheah! [Jesus goes to the Scauses factory and flips over every truck he finds in his way, then bursts into the factory. He beats up all the workers there]\nJesus: Vengeance is mine! [he destroys the assembly line]\nP.F. Pityef: No please! Please show mercy!\nJesus: Get out! [picks him up and shoves him into a grinder. P.F. Pityef is ground up, but his remains clog up the grinder and raise the pressure throughout the factory. Soon the factory blows up. Everyone in town has shown up to see this and burst into applause. Later, Jesus is back to normal and on a small hill - a mount - and speaks to the crowd]\nJesus: Thank you my children. [the crowd quiets down] We've all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses... that didn't mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid, and made it about me and the things that I did. Which of course I didn't do. And even if I did use performance-enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But I didn't. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft? Maybe, that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. And causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. Let's keep our causes where they belong, which is [places his hands over his heart] right here. On T-shirts! [opens his robe enough to show his cause] Free Pussy Riot! [the crowd begins to clap and cheer]\nMr. Mackey: Free Pussy Riot!\nThe boys: [look at each other and then] Yeah!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A shot of Denver, Colorado, Tuesday. It's election day, 8:05 in the morning, Mountain Standard Time. At a Baptist church, a line of people waits to vote.\nDenver poll worker: Okay, Mr. Thompson, voting line is right over there. [Mr. Thompson walks off] Next, please. [Cartman shows up dressed up in his festival best - dress shirt, suspenders, hat with a ribbon on it, and an all-day sucker. He's going to play on the sympathies of the elderly poll workers]\nCartman: Mom? Mommy? Where's my mommy?\nDenver poll worker: Oh dear, did you lose your mother, little boy?\nCartman: MOM!\nDenver poll worker: Security?\nDenver guard: [shuffles up to the poll worker] Heaah?\nDenver poll worker: This little boy lost his mom.\nCartman: She said to wait for her by the... plastic boxes if I got lost.\nDenver guard: It's all right, come on. [takes Cartman's hand and walks him away]\nScene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has an aisle seat, and he checks his watch.\nScene Description: North Carolina, 12:18 pm Eastern (or 10:18 am Mountain, for reference). At the Charlotte Community Center, Cartman runs in, still in costume\nCartman: Mom? Where's my mom?\nCharlotte poll worker: Oh dear. Did you lose your mommy, little boy?\nScene Description: a Jetstream Air zooms through the sky. Cartman has a middle seat. A flight attendant walks by and stops.\nFlight attendant 1: [to the aisle passenger] Would you like some warm nuts, sir?\nCartman: [wriggles in his seat and laughs] \"Warm nuts\", she said.\nScene Description: Florida, 3:40 pm Eastern (or 1:40 pm Mountain). At a polling station in Citrus County, Cartman stops in and clears his throat\nCartman: Mom?! I lost my Mooohhm!\nScene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has an aisle seat again, and a flight attendant walks his way with snacks.\nFlight attendant 2: Warm nuts, sir? Warm nuts?\nCartman: [breaks into a smile and laughs] No way dude. No way.\nScene Description: Ohio, 5 pm Central (4 pm Mountain)\nCartman: MOOOM! I can't find my mooom!\nScene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has a middle seat again, and a flight attendant stops to offer the aisle passenger something.\nFlight attendant 3: Would you like warm nuts, sir? [the man accepts the nuts and smiles]\nCartman: Ahaha, okay okay it's getting old. [both passenger and attendant frown at him]\nScene Description: Las Vegas, 3 pm Pacific (4 pm Mountain). Cartman runs through the polling station, and then back\nCartman: MOOOMMM! MOOOMMM!\nScene Description: Wednesday, the day after, Kyle's house. In the living room, Kyle and Ike sit on the sofa, with Ike crying.\nScene Description: News\nAnchor: The people have spoken, and the President of the United States is once again, Barack Obama.\nPresident Obama: I assure you all, I am heading back to the White House more motivated - more titillated - than ever. [Ike begins to bawl.]\nKyle: Don't be sad, Ike. Just be happy that you live in a country where people get to elect a president at all. [the phone rings and he answers it.] Hello?\nCartman: [from the Cartman kitchen] Hey Kyle. What's up?\nKyle: Nothing, watching the election results.\nCartman: Yeah, I figured. It's the day after the election, so you're probably sitting on the couch telling your little brother how great it is to live in a democratic society. [Kyle glances at Ike.] Listen, Kyle, could you come over for a second? I got somethin' I need to show you.\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: Please, Kyle. It's kind of important.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman leads Kyle upstairs to his room\nKyle: Alright, what is this all about, fatass?!\nCartman: You happy with the election results last night, Kyle?\nKyle: It doesn't matter if I am or not. People voted and I stand behind the president.\nCartman: Oh, that's such a democratic thing to say, Kyle. What if I were to tell you that I have something in my room that could change the entire election? [beams]\nKyle: Sure you do!\nCartman: What if I did, Kyle?\nKyle: Chr, what could you possibly have in your room that could change the outcome of the election? [Cartman smiles and opens his bedroom door, then shows him in. Inside are stacks and stacks of ballots Cartman has stolen from various states: Nevada, Florida, Idaho, Colorado, Virginia, Wisconsin, and North Carolina. Kyle's jaw drops]\nCartman: Pretty sweet, huh?\nKyle: What the hell is this?\nCartman: What's it look like? Hundreds of thousands of votes from all the swing states.\nKyle: I don't believe it.\nCartman: No, really. There are states full of swingers. Bunch of perverts if you ask me.\nKyle: Why do you have these?\nCartman: [walks up to a stack] Funny how voting works in this country, isn't it, Kyle. [holds up a ballot] Each one of these, a person. Someone who actually took the time to get themselves informed. Actually got up and drove to a voting area to make sure their voice was heard. [tears the ballot in two, lets the pieces fall, and fakes a shocked face]\nKyle: Dude!\nCartman: [Walks over to another stack] Here's another patriotic American. He probably spent hours listening to all those presidential ads and tuned in to every debate. [tears up that ballot]\nKyle: Knock it off, Cartman!\nCartman: Now, believe it or not, Kyle, I actually need your help. But first you have to promise not to tell anyone.\nKyle: You're not getting away with this, you fat turd! [turns around and walks out. Cartman waits a few seconds and walks to his window. He sees Kyle walk to the sidewalk, then turn right and go down the street.]\nCartman: Run now, little firefly. It's all part of the plan.\nLiane: [steps in] Sweetie, there's a Mr. Pun Li Tsiao on the phone for you?\nCartman: Thanks Mom, [she leaves] I'll take that in the study. Do I have a study? I don't think I have a study. That's fine.\nScene Description: The White House, day. A Secret Service agent runs down the hall towards the Oval Office, opens the doors, and goes in\nAgent: Mr. President?\nPresident Obama: Yes?\nAgent: Line 2 from China for you, sir. It's General Tso.\nPresident Obama: [picks up the receiver and presses the Line 2 button] Yes, hello General.\nGeneral Tso: We assume you are preased with the erection results?\nPresident Obama: Very pleased. Thank you for your help.\nGeneral Tso: And you no doubt will now begin filling your side of the bargain.\nPresident Obama: You'll have what you want. I'll meet you in three hours. [hangs up and slumps in his chair a little]\nAgent: Sir, the election may have gone the way they said, but we can't possibly give the Chinese what you promised.\nPresident Obama: [rises and goes to a window] I don't know how they did it, but the Chinese secured my victory. I have to fulfill my obligation.\nAgent: And what if General Tso suddenly gets the courage to go to the press with all this?\nPresident Obama: Don't worry. Everyone knows General Tso's chicken.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Kyle is at the front door with two police officers. One of the officers knocks, and Cartman answers the door.\nOfficer 1: Eric Cartman? We have a report you might be involved in voter fraud?\nCartman: [strokes his chin] Hmmm, no.\nOfficer 2: You mind if we search your room?\nCartman: I'm sorry, but I know my rights. You can't search my room without a warrant. And I'm afraid I can't give you permission.\nKyle: This isn't a joke, Cartman! You have to believe me, officer. The outcome of the election depends on it.\nOfficer 1: Let's just see. [the officers go in, and Kyle follows]\nCartman: Ey! You can't do that! Ey!\nKyle: Upstairs! First door to the left!\nScene Description: Upstairs. The officers have reached Cartman's room. Officer 1 opens the door\nCartman: I know my rights! Stop right now! [Kyle and the officers go in... and find nothing]\nKyle: But... they were here. Ah I swear it. Stacks and stacks of ballots from states all over the country!\nCartman: I was always told that... we lived in a country based on freedom. That the one thing that made America different was that government could never barge into our lives unwarranted. But it's all changing, isn't it? Ever since Obama was first elected, it's all changing.\nOfficer 2: Oh my God, what have we done?\nOfficer 1: Guess this country is changing. We're sorry little boy, we're SO sorry. [The officers walk out]\nKyle: Please you've, you've got to believe me! They've still gotta be here somewhere! Uh we've got to find them!\nCartman: But where could they be? Where? And why would I care so much about the election results? So may questions, Kyle. So... little time. [Kyle turns right and runs down the stairs]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Seven kids are shown playing basketball: Timmy and Jimmy are there, as are Stan, Token, Craig, Butters, and Kenny. Stan has the ball and tosses it to Craig, who makes a basket. Butters catches the ball. In the background, Kyle runs up to the entrance\nKyle: Guys! You guys! [runs into the group] Listen: Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!\nStan: Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.\nKyle: Come on guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!\nStan: But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.\nKyle: Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.\nStan: I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.\nJimmy: Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.\nCraig: Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.\nKyle: God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!\nButters: Well, mmmaybe Cartman had a good reason.\nKyle: [stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!\nButters: Huh? Wha? NO. Uhuh, why?\nKyle: [walks towards Butters] What did Cartman tell you?!\nButters: He didn't tell me nothin'. Annd I'm sworn to secrecy. Ih-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [glances over his shoulder and gasps] Uh, don't make me say any more!\nKyle: Tell us what you know right now!\nButters: I can't! Don't you see?! [feels around his body for something, and finally finds it: a small bottle. He opens it up and pulls out a blue M&M.] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it\nStan: Is that an M&M?\nButters: [his voice trembles] It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Heey, just leave me alone.\nKyle: Then you have to tell us!\nButters: Well... hah... HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the pill and makes sure he doesn't throw up]\nKyle: Oh shit! Don't let him swallow it! [Butters falls back, stiff]\nStan: Pry his mouth open!\nCraig: He ate it!\nKyle: Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!\nButters: Ah! Bah! I hate almonds. [passes out]\nScene Description: Red Lobster, later. Cartman is at a table eating lobster legs. He's working on one plate while three others and a bucket of lobster legs await his appetite\nWaitress: More melted butter, sir?\nCartman: Mm, mhm, mhm.\nGeneral Tso: [lets out an exasperated sigh] Little boy, the President is on his way to pick up the ballots. Where are they?!\nCartman: They're nearby. Very safe and sound. I just might want to... alter our deal a little bit.\nGeneral Tso: Alter our... The President will be here in moments with what we want!\nCartman: Yes. Tell me again exactly what you plan on doing with it?\nA Diner: Oh my God, it's the President! [the President comes in with his Secret Service detail and diners come up to greet him]\nPresident Obama: Thank you, thank you all for your votes of confidence. If I could... just be a little rude and ask for a nice quiet meal in private?\nDiner 1: Oh, of course. Come on, let's let the President have some peace and quiet. [the diners begin to leave the restaurant]\nDiner 2: Wow, the President eats at Red Lobster. He's just a normal guy like me.\nDiner 3: Come on guys. President says \"get out.\" [chuckles]\nDiner 4: I didn't actually vote for him. [chuckles. Two agents guard the doors until the diners are gone, then close the doors, while two other agents join President Obama at the table]\nPresident Obama: All right. Where are the ballots? [Cartman cracks open a lobster leg.]\nScene Description: The ER, somewhere, day. The boys are there to visit Butters and the doctor is with them.\nDoctor: Your friend has had a severe allergic reaction.\nKyle: Can we please just try and talk to him?\nDoctor: All right, but don't take too long. [the boys go in]\nButters: [hard to understand with his face puffed up] What's up fellas?\nKyle: Butters, you have to tell us what Cartman is up to!\nButters: Bleh, ogayedmi.\nKyle: I didn't wanna have to do this. [opens his flip phone and presses some keys] but if you don't tell us, I'm gonna tell your dad you helped get the wrong person elected President!\nButters: AGH! No! Please! You can't!\nKyle: Then just tell me what Cartman is up to!\nButters: Okay! Okay! He's helping the Chinese get something they want.\nStan: What'd he say? [Kenny mumbles his reply and Stan understands that] Oh. Well what do you mean the election isn't the biggest thing that happened this week? [Butters mumbles a reply]\nKyle: What? [Kenny mumbles his translation] You mean the missile defense program?! [to Butters] Butters, where's Cartman supposed to hand over the ballots?!\nButters: At Red Robster. [Kyle looks at Kenny]\nKenny: (At Red Lobster.)\nKyle: [still not getting it] Where?\nButters: [enunciating as best he can] Red Lobster!\nStan: Huh?\nJimmy: He said \"at Ruh ruh rruh ruh Reh Red\"\nButters: [enunciating as best he can] Red Lobster!\nKenny: (Red Lobster!)\nKyle: What?\nJimmy: Ruh Rehh... Red\nButters: [stressing] Red Lobster!\nKenny: (Red Lobster!)\nStan: Oh, Red Lobster.\nScene Description: Red Lobster, later. The high-level meeting continues\nPresident Obama: General Tso, do you have the missing ballots or not?\nGeneral Tso: Sssure, we have the ballots, but we don't have them right here with us now. [Obama looks at the general, then glances at Cartman]\nPresident Obama: Okay, you want me to come in again, we can start over, what the fuck is this?!\nKyle: All right, where are the missing ballots?! [noticing the President] President Obama?\nCartman: Oh God damn it Kyle, I was just about to get what I wanted.\nGeneral Tso: Mr. President, we got you reelected! Now you will give us the Star Wars technology so that we can make the sequels!\nPresident Obama: I told you China would get the rights to Star Wars from Disney as long as my Presidency was secure! [looks at Cartman] Until I have those ballots [looks at the general] it is not secure!\nKyle: Wait a minute, the rights to Star Wars, the movies? What the hell is going on here?!\nMorgan Freeman: [voice only] What's going on is the sale of America's greatest asset. [music plays as he walks into view] You see, when the United States created Star Wars it made this country incredibly powerful.\nGeneral Tso: Morgan Freeman?\nMorgan Freeman: [pacing back and forth] Earlier this week, Lucas signed the rights to Star Wars over to Disney, and the Chinese saw a way to obtain it for themselves. The Chinese government knew that President Obama would help them take the rights from Disney if they helped him get reelected.\nCraig: Ohhhh.\nMorgan Freeman: But the child who actually stole the ballots has hidden them, and won't give them to anyone until his demands are met. You've all got quite a mess on your hands. I wish you well with it. [turns around and goes back the way he came in]\nStan: Hey just one thing, Morgan Freeman: [Freeman turns around and faces the group] How come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?\nMorgan Freeman: Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle. [a sparkle lights up on his right cheek as a small bell sounds, fades, and leaves a new freckle there. He turns around and resumes his departure]\nCartman: So here's the deal, General Tso, Mr. President, when the Chinese make the sequels, I get to play the part of Luke Skywalker's son. Cartman Skywalker.\nGeneral Tso: That was not the deal! We will not be a-bullied by you!\nCartman: Well then, I guess we're about to play a game of Chicken, General Tso. [takes out a small ball-shaped bomb, smashes it against the table, and disappears in the resulting smoke.]\nJimmy: Heheh, I get it. General Tso's chih-chih-chicken.\nScene Description: Two secret service agents walk down a hallway somewhere\nMike: You are absolutely sure about this?\nAgent 2: It's been confirmed, Mike. My God, we might have won this thing. [they reach the end of the hall]\nMike: [knocks three times, then opens the double doors and goes in] Sir? Sir, we have some... incredible news. There are rumors of hundreds of thousands of stolen ballots. You might have won the election after all. [Duck President is shown. He lets out a loud quack with shit spewing out his mouth]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, evening. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Token are in Cartman's living room rummaging through boxes of clothes looking for the ballots. Craig rips open the sofa cushions to look for them\nStan: There's nothing here, Kyle. [Jimmy walks in from the dining room]\nKyle: Anything in the basement, Jimmy?\nJimmy: Just old junk, and boxes of Eric's mom's d-dildos\nKyle: Well keep looking.\nLiane: [walks in with some items] Oh my goodness, what's going on?\nKyle: Sorry Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.\nLiane: Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?\nStan: He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected President.\nLiane: [walks towards the kitchen] Oh well, no TV for him for a few days.\nJimmy: There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one s-s-scooby clue.\nStan: Oh my God you guys, look! [points across the street. The boys walk out as the sound of a large vehicle is heard] Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship! [Indeed. The ship arrives and positions itself for landing, then descends onto the road. After a big thud, the ship's door opens... and out swaggers Mickey Mouse]\nMickey Mouse: Just what the Dickens is going on here, haha?!\nStan: Aw shit, it's him again.\nMickey Mouse: What's this about a deal with the Chinese?! I own all this shit now! I own the Death Star! I own Tatooine! It's all MINE, haha! All right fuckers, where are the missing ballots? Haha.\nScene Description: The hospital, night. Butters is still in recovery, and his face is still puffy. He's asleep\nCartman: Butters. [Butters jumps up and is wide awake] You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you Butters?\nButters: I didn't say anything. I promise.\nCartman: I guess we learned that when it comes to Star Wars, we can't trust anyone. Not the President, not the Chinese, and not you.\nButters: Please, Eric! I tried to be quiet, I swear!\nCartman: Shhh, it's okay, Butters. [brings forth an M&M bag and opens it] Nobody's gonna find the election ballots. [pulls out a blue almond M&M.] I have them hidden away somewhere... nobody would ever look. [places the M&M in Butters' mouth and closes it] A place in town people barely even know exists.\nScene Description: A Hummer outdoor dealership. The salesman stands around waiting for customers. Behind him is a lot full of pristine Hummers\nSalesman: Hey guys. Lookin' to buy a Hummer today? [a family leaving the KFC across the street heads for its car in the KFC parking lot] We're havin' a Rocktober sales event day that's goin' into Rockvember. [the family piles into the car, the father starts it, and the family drives away. The salesman watches the family leave, then turns around and walks to a different spot - next to the missing ballots.] Hey there! Interested in test-drivin' a Hummer today? [a lone man walks slowly down the sidewalk on a cross street. Mr. Hummer takes out his hands and starts gesturing] I can see you, with the Ray-Bans, got that nice bicep haning' out the window rolled down, whattaya think? [the man looks at him, then begins to walk faster] Rockvember sales event, guys! Every Hummer comes with a free Segway.\nCafé Monet diner: [at a Café Monet across a third street.] Hey why don't you shut up?!\nSalesman: I'm just excited about all these deals, that's all. [puts his hands in his pockets]\nScene Description: Disneyland, night. The park has closed. AT-STs patrol the grounds as TIE fighters zoom by overhead. Mickey walks through Cinderella's castle towards a door as it opens upward and reveals two storm troopers escorting Cartman, in handcuffs, to him\nStorm Trooper: We found him sir, but still no sign of the missing ballots.\nMickey Mouse: Go on! Leave us alone! Haha. [the storm troopers step outside and the door comes down behind them. Mickey and Cartman walk away from the door] Now listen, little boy, the reason this country works is because people go out to vote. Every vote counts. And you need-\nCartman: Cut the crap, Mouse! You only care about the election results because Romney would have been tougher on the Chinese!\nMickey Mouse: Why don't you just tell me where the missing ballots are?! It will make your death a lot less painful! Haha.\nCartman: Trust me: they're somewhere nobody will ever find them! If you kill me, then Obama will stay President and you will lose Star Wars to the Chinese forever!\nMickey Mouse: [whips out his light saber] Pretty neat, huh? How would you like to have one?\nCartman: I can get those at K-Mart! If you want me to switch sides, you'll have to do better than that!\nMickey Mouse: [turns off his light saber] Like what?!\nCartman: I want a part in the new movies!\nMickey Mouse: [brightens up] Well then, why didn't you just come to me in the first place? If you wanna be in the next Star Wars, I'm your guy! Haha.\nCartman: I get to be Luke Skeywalker's son. And there has to be a character called Jewbacca.\nMickey Mouse: You can be Luke's son, you can be Han Solo's son, I don't give two shits and a popsicle.\nCartman: Really? Well then, I suppose that making the votes public IS the right thing to do. I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm gonna smuggle them here, I'm gonna need a blaster and a tauntaun.\nMickey Mouse: Sure thing. I've got tauntauns comin' out my asshole, haha.\nCartman: Haha.\nMickey Mouse: Haha.\nCartman: Haha. [and a new partnership is formed.]\nScene Description: Breaking Election News.\nWolf Blitzer: This is Breaking Election News. Hold that phone! The election may be over, but rumors are running rampant that hundreds of thousands of ballots for Mitt Romney were stolen!\nKyle: [with a field reporter at City Hall, with the other boys behind them] We need everyone's help here. What you're looking for are big boxes of ballots. Hundreds of them. Please check your basement, your attic, and-\nField reporter: And and you claim that a General Tso hired your friend, Fatass, to steal the ballots, but so far the Chinese are refusing to speak with us.\nKyle: Yeah, probably 'cause General Tso's chicken. [sirens and bells sound]\nField reporter: Is that it? Did he just? Did he just?\nWolf Blitzer: Yup. Chris, we're getting confirmation that was the millionth time.\nChris: Excitement and revelry at South Park as a little boy has just made the General Tso's chicken joke for the one millionth time. [confetti and balloons float down from the sky]\nKyle: What?\nField reporter: Little boy, the General Tso's chicken joke, a favorite for years, you've just hit the magic number, how does it feel?\nKyle: [quite confused] I... what? [a woman comes in from screen left with a check for five thousand dollars from P.F. Chang while another woman comes in from screen left with a sign saying \"ONE MILLION TIMES!!!!!\"]\nField reporter: He's being presented with the check now, a five thousand dollar gift certificate to P.F. Chang's. [Kyle holds the check up and the reporter gets closer to the camera] This has been a long campaign, but someone's finally done it, Wolf.\nScene Description: South Park, later. The boys are sitting on the curb near Tele's, eating Chinese food\nStan: Well, we tried, dude.\nKyle: It just seems so unfair. People won't ever even know that the wrong man is in the White House.\nStan: Well, I mean, look at it this way: Almost half the country did actually vote for Obama. If the election really just came down to a bunch of boxes Cartman stole, then, does it matter that much?\nKyle: It matters, Stan. It it matters.\nA Santa: [voice only] Ho ho ho hoo! [Kyle glances at the TVs and walks over to get a better look] Come on down to Stevenson Hummer for our big Christmas in Humvember Sale! [same dealership as earlier, with Mr. Hummer wearing Santa facial hair and cap, ringing a bell and shaking a rattle stick] Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning! [dances a bit. Stan joins him at Tele's picture window]\nStan: Stan, when was the last time you saw somebody drive a Hummer?\nStan: Uhhh, forever ago, like, 2010?\nKyle: [realizing where the ballots could be] Oh my God.\nScene Description: Stevenson's Hummer, day. A diner leaves Café Monet and walks down the street.\nMr. Stevenson: [the salesman] Hey, looking for a Hummer today? Got some 2009s here. Never been driven. ...Ever. [a crow lands on a blue Hummer. Mr. Stevenson notices, turns around and moves towards it] Go on, get out of here! Shoo! [the crow leaves as Kyle and friends show up and enter the lot]\nKyle: Look! There they are!\nMr. Stevenson: Hey, hi there! You kids like Hummers, huh? Let me show you these babies!\nKyle: We found it, you guys! [hears some vehicles showing up and looks] Oh no, they followed us! [several black cars pull up and the Chinese pour out of them]\nMr. Stevenson: Oh hell yes! Asians! Hey guys!\nGeneral Tso: Get out of our way!\nKyle: No! These don't belong to you! They belong to the people!\nGeneral Tso: [pulls out a pistol from his pocket and aims it at Kyle] I am tired of playing games! This little farce is ovah! [a shot from a ray gun obliterates the pistol]\nCartman: [on a tauntaun] I don't think so, General Tso! This way, officers! [police cars show up]\nMr. Stevenson: Oh my God it's a sales rush! [the police pour out of their cars]\nOfficer 2: Oh my God. Are those what I think they are?\nCartman: Yes, we must show these to the public! For democracy's sake, right Kyle?\nOfficer 3: Sir, we've found something, at the Hummer sales lot outside of town.\nGeneral Tso: You don't understand. We are trying to protect the greatest film series ever made!\nKyle: Protect it?\nOfficer 4: What the hell is going on here?!\nMorgan Freeman: [voice only. The officers all face him] Perhaps I can explain it to you. [appears between the Hummers and walks up to the group] You see, it turns out the only reason the Chinese so desperately wanted Star Wars is because they're afraid that Disney might not be the right place for it. The Chinese simply want to guard Star Wars impeccable legacy.\nOfficer 5: Is that Morgan Freeman?\nMorgan Freeman: And now we're at a crossroads. If these ballots are made public, then the man the people voted for will be President, but he will no doubt keep Star Wars from the Chinese, and allow Disney to keep it instead. And so we have to ask ourselves, \"What's more important? That the right man is elected President, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most?\" [six new freckles appear on his face, and he caresses his right cheek]\nAn Officer: [through a walkie-talkie] Unit 4, what is it?! Over.\nOfficer 1: Well kid?\nKyle: Well... if you put it that way...\nAn officer: Come in Unit 4! What have you found?!\nOfficer 1: Nothing sir. We just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, that's all. Barkley out. [Stan walks up to the ballots with a match, strikes the match against the asphalt and lights it, and sets fire to the ballots]\nCartman: No! But Obama wasn't really elected! Don't you people care?! [the Chinese, the police officers, and the boys all hold hands around the bonfire and begin to chant]\nGroup: Obama is President again. [as the smoke gathers in the sky, a real-life image of President Obama appears and sways slowly back and forth.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus\nKyle: I am sooo sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little skank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this [holds his hand out], and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!\nCartman: [walks up to them, talking to someone on the phone via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm telling you, it was the worst pain in my entire life.\nLawrence: How many hours were you guys playing?\nCartman: Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like \"Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!\"\nKyle: AAAARGH!\nLawrence: You were playing football?\nCartman: Yeah, but I was like \"I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle.\" In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?\nKyle: That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!\nCartman: [softly, covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation.\nKyle: Then take that shit off speaker phone!!\nLawrence: Is that that same kid?\nCartman: Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls.\nKyle: How do we have a choice?!\nCartman: Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?\nLawrence: Yeah yeah, you said that.\nToby: My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.\nCartman: Who is that? Is that Toby?\nToby: Yeah.\nCartman: Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?\nToby: Yeah, we're ditching school.\nCartman: You're what? What, you say?\nLawrence: Me and Toby are ditching school!\nScene Description: Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at table, and Kyle looks worn out.\nCartman: I'm telling you guys, the government thinks they can do whatever they want, and we don't have any privacy anymore! [he's not talking to his friends at the table, but to his friends on the conference call] Just between you and me, I think everyone is too stupid to see what this is all leading to. Did you guys read \"1984\"?\nLawrence: I don't think so.\nCartman: See, I didn't read it either, but I saw the puppet show version up at Casa Bonita. We have to do something about this! We need to organize a rally! [Kyle takes the top bun off his burger]\nLawrence: That'd be cool.\nCartman: That'd be what?\nLawrence: That'd be COOL.\nCartman: I know, right? [Kyle puts the bun back on the burger, then takes his tray with him and walks away] A big rally to tell the government to stay out of our private lives! I'm gonna e-mail everybody and put it up on my blog pages! [having lost his appetite, Kyle throws his food away, puts his tray on the nearby cart, and walks off. Cartman approaches the trash can] I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now. [carelessly throws his trash away, with fries spilling onto the floor, puts his tray carelessly on the card, then walks off behind Kyle] I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long; that's why this is so important, you know? [Kyle stops, his anger rising] Hang on, I'm gonna make a video blog for my \"Stop Listening To Me\" Web site. [turns on the video feature on his phone and starts recording] What's up everybody? It's me again, just kicking it at my skeal. There's gonna be a big rally to tell the government to stop gathering information on us! Gonna tweet you all the details, but keep quiet, 'cause it's top secret! [ends the video and goes back to his phone friends. Kyle leaves] You guys gonna update your blogs too?\nScene Description: Outside on the playground. Cartman is still on the phone with Lawrence while Kyle and Kenny try to play tetherball. Cartman is just too damned loud.\nCartman: Dude, I really can't hear you Lawrence. Are you outside or something?\nLawrence: I said I got your tweet and the address!\nCartman: Okay, well put Toby back on the phone! You guys start Googling everyone the directions to the rally site. Toby, are you there, bro?\nToby: Yeah, I'm here, bro.\nCartman: Bro, you gotta um, e-mail Jack about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms. [Kyle just walks up to Cartman and stands next to him]\nKyle: [calmly] Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else?\nCartman: Oh heeell NO you didn't just invade my privacy again?! That is the LAST STRAW, Kyle! [runs off, then stops and addresses everyone on the playground] Everybody! Everybody hey! Just so you know, we might have an NSA agent right here at our school\nButters: Ww-ww-what's the N S A?\nCartman: That just so you know, the government is watching everything you do! Always watching! They say it's to keep us safe! But what price is safety, Kyle? [walks away. The other kids disperse and go back to what they were doing. Only Butters and Kyle remain.]\nButters: The government watches everything we do?\nScene Description: Butters' bedroom, night. As a moonbeam bathes his bedroom, Butters is still wondering about the government watching him.\nButters: Hello?? Hey Government... It's me... Butters. Ah I just wanna say, well, well, thanks for watching over me and, and doin' everything you do. ...An and please watch over Mommy, and Daddy, ah an and my friends Stan and Kyle, Craig and Token, and and even ol' Eric Cartman. Uh I know he can be a meanie sometimes, but please watch over him too. Goodnight, Government. [smiles, then walks to his bed and goes under the covers, then gasps] Oh yeah. [gets out of bed and goes to his mark] Ah, and thank you, President Obama, for, for making me feel so safe and looked after. And if it wouldn't be... too much trouble... [a little softly] I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year. [normal] 'Night, Government. [goes back to bed]\nScene Description: The school's computer lad, next day. The kids are typing away on their keyboards and Cartman is on the phone again...\nCartman: Dude, they have gone too far this time! There is no doubt the government is tracking me! We're gonna have to put off the rally.\nLawrence: They're spying on you?\nCartman: Yes, right here. I went to Amazon to see if they had Grand Theft Auto V, and it says, \"you might also be interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek.\" I'm totally interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek! How did they know that unless the government is keepin' tabs on mw?! [pounds the keyboard with his right fist. The other kids begin to star at him] This is war, bro! Forget the rally, we have to go hard core!\nLawrence: Like what?\nCartman: Alright, listen. I'm gonna get a job at the NSA, and then I'm gonna put all their secrets up on Twitter.\nLawrence: Naw, don't do that.\nCartman: No! Dude, I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee, and I'm gonna- [gets suspicious] Hey, hang on a second, Lawrence. [hides behind his monitor for a moment, then slowly stands up on his chair] I think we have a Nosey Nancy in the room. [sits down] Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised. If I'm gonna infiltrate the NSA and get all their secrets out to the public, then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter.\nLawrence: You need that new thing where you don't need to type.\nCartman: What, they already have something better than Twitter?\nLawrence: You haven't seen the Alec Baldwin commercial?\nCartman: No! What Alec Baldwin commercial?\nScene Description: This one. Alec Baldwin is on the set of his latest movie, in his director's chair\nAlec Baldwin: Hello. I'm Alec Baldwin, and I love social media. [whips out his phone] But sometimes, I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. I don't think that way, I just type that way. That's when I realized it wasn't me that was homophobic, it was my thumbs, and they needed to be gotten rid of. [a shot of him chopping his right thumb off with a meat cleaver, then doing the same with his left thumb. He groans in pain each time.] So then the problem was, I don't have thumbs. But I know that everyone in America still wants to hear everything I have to say.[Now in a park by a lake. He's on a bench, with a camera behind him. He turns to look at it] Well, that's okay, because now there's a device that can actually take the thoughts in your head and send them directly to the Internet. It's called... Shitter. [points to a pair of antennae attached to the crown of his head. Next follows a stick-figure representation of the process]Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull and any thought you have is uploaded to the Internet, and on to all your Shitter followers. [more stick figures appear, each with their own Shitter antennae. Then he's shown at a baseball park: \"I'm at a Yankess game right now.\" The men on either side look at him. \"God I love baseball.\" Next he's on a plane next to an elderly woman with her cat in a pet carrier. \"People who take their cats on planes should be shot.\" He looks away, and the elderly woman looks at him. Next he's at a theatre. \"I'm at a really great musical right now.\" The woman to his left notices the antennae. Next he's at an outdoor restaurant looking at a menu. \"In 1992 I had sex with the Queen of Monaco. I had my entire fist up her ass.\" Back on set] Don't let your social media slow down our need to communicate with the world. Go direct from thought to Internet ...with Shitter. [\"Just finished my Shitter commercial. Time to go find a pussy sandwich.\"]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are milling around the hallways. Kyle is shown walking down one hall when Cartman's voice is heard\nCartman: [\"Alright, what's up everybody, what's up? I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover, and see if I can expose some of those secrets.\" When Cartman appears, Kyle stops. \"You can follow me on my Shitter account at #keepyourgovernmentoutofmybusinessdotcom. Wait, sh, I've gotta be careful. Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's tryin' to listen in.\"]\nKyle: [notices the Shitter device and gets angry.] What the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: [walks up to Kyle. \"Kyle, if you wouldn't mind, this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only.\" Clyde and Stan join them]\nClyde: What's Shitter?\nCartman: [leans towards Clyde. \"Don't know if you've heard, but the government is actually able to monitor all our e-mails and Twitter accounts.\" leans towards Clyde. \"With Shitter I don't even need a cell phone. My thoughts are sent directly to the Internet, and then to everyone else on Shitter.\"]\nStan: Wow.\nCartman: [leans towards Stan. \"Yes. Now as I infiltrate the NSA, I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers.\"]\nKyle: You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet?\nCartman: Yeah, because the government won't respect my privacy.\nClyde: How many people are on Shitter?\nCartman: Just two so far: me and Alec Baldwin.\nAlec Baldwin: [\"I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich at this amazing deli run by two faggtots in Chelsea.\"]\nCartman: [\"Oh cute. I'll have to try it out sometime, lol.\"]\nAlec Baldwin: [\"In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas' house and I fucked Kim Basinger.\"]\nCartman: [\"Wow, that's kewl. She's cute. ;) emoji\"]\nScene Description: Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles, day. Butters is waiting to be called. A monitor displays \"TICKET #395 WINDOWS 15\" and a small bell dings.\nButters: Oh my God. Oh my God they say me. They saw me and they're gonna be so angry! Maybe they didn't see me. No! No, they saw me, they see everything! I did something really bad. Really really bad. [ding]\nClerk: [not shown] Next!\nButters: Oh God, uh... but my parents always told me, \"If you do somethin' horrible, then you have to admit it to your protector, so that you can have forgiveness.\" Are these people nice?\nMan: DMV people? They're the meanest people on planet Earth.\nButters: Oh Jeez. [The monitor displays \"TICKET #403 WINDOWS 15\" and a small bell dings. Butters gets off his seat...] Oh God, huh... Here we go. [...and walks up to a clerk, but has no idea what to do] I yelled at a midget. [a few seconds pass by] I was, I was watching MTV andand this little person was singing a song, eh - I think her name was \"Pink\" - but I I didn't like the songs and so I yelled! \"Hey, get off the TV you effing midget!\" [no reaction] And I, I was at Barnes & Noble with my mom, and while she was looking for a book I, I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine. Um it and I, well, I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was lookin'. Dirty whore! I took the picture home with me and I, and-I, I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors and then I... well I put my wiener through the hole. I have no idea why!! How can I atone for it?! I already said the Pledge of Allegiance 50 times! And I sang \"My Country Tis Of Thee\" 100 times! And I watches \"America's Got Talent\" twice! What else can I do?\nClerk: Why not a thousand \"Livin' In America\"s?\nButters: Yes! Yes I will! Oh, thank youhoohoo! I will! Oh, I feel so much better already! [begins to walk away and launches into the song] Livin' in America! Eye to eye! Hand to hand! Across the nation! Smokestack, fatback, Many miles of railroad track Ow! I said Ow ow! [exits]\nScene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Cartman walks in, dressed in a suit and wearing a fake mustache, and approaches the front desk.\nReceptionist: Can I help you sir?\nCartman: Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job?\nReceptionist: All right, and your name?\nCartman: Bill Clinton.\nReceptionist: [checks her calendar on the computer] I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton.\nCartman: Oh well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me.\nAlec Baldwin: [\"If you're ever in Los Angeles, be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt. She can make a pussy sandwich that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money\"]\nChief: What have you got, Patricia?\nPatricia: Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir?\nCartman: I am extremely qualified, sir, and very eager to work.\nAlec Baldwin: [\"I borrowed my brother's dick once to fuck Darryl Hannah.\"]\nCartman: [clears his throat as a distraction] I was um, sure that the appointment was today.\nChief: That's quite alright. The NSA needs all the help it can get. Come on upstairs and I'll show you around, see if you're fit for the job.\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Two women knock on Butters' door. Butters answers it and sees two Polynesians. One carries a Bible, the other carries some pamphlets\nPamphleteer: Hello sir. My colleague and I are going through the neighborhood and seeing if you'd like to know the Truth. [hands him a pamphlet]\nButters: Sure, I love the Truth.\nPamphleteer: Okay, we from uh Jehovah Witness. We Kingdom Hall Jehovah Witness, and uh, we believe, sir, that uh many people interpret the Bible it wrong.\nButters: Wull what's a Jehovah's Witness.\nPamphleteer: We are, sir. We believe the, the Truth. I was once like you. I knew not what to believe, then I let my pulvy the Jehovah into the heart.\nButters: Oh my goodness! Your little cartoon has a girl on fire!\nPamphleteer: Yes, because uh Jehovah will bring judgement against all who perish like the little girl will burn in fire.\nButters: Oh, you shouldn't be handing out drawings like that, ma'am. Uh, don't you know that the government is watching you?\nPamphleteer: The government ih watching me?\nColleague: Wansa?\nPamphleteer: He said the government ih watching us. [they turn slowly to face the street]\nColleague: Hi now?\nPamphleteer: How long they been watching us?\nButters: Can I ask you something? When was the last time you went to your local DMV?\nPamphleteer: [turns to face him] I don't go to DMV. I don't have car.\nButters: Oh, you can walk there. Trust me, you've gotta go to the DMV. It's incredible! See, I was like you once. Afraid, unsure, and doin' stuff I shouldn't do like showin' people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire. But you know what I've learned? That just goin' to the DMV, and letting go of all my wrongdoings, filled me with a joy I've felt nowhere else! Would you like to read some DMV literature? [goes and gets some booklets he picked up at the DMV. He hand them the booklets and they leaf through them] This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV. But just go. Everyone there is really nice. Your government is watching you and your government wants you to be happy. Have a nice day! [smiles and closes the door, then walks towards the kitchen]\nScene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. The chief takes Cartman on a tour.\nChief: Right this way, Bill. Welcome to the NSA main office.\nCartman: Oh yes. Sooo this is where the government checks up on its citizens.\nChief: There's a lot of people working here at the NSA. Good people, people who just wanna keep America safe. Only problem is, checking all those e-mails, Twitter accounts, and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower. [they stop at a desk]\nDetective: Hey Joe?\nJoe: Whatchoo got, Miller.\nMiller: Got a 24-year-old male in Albuquerque. He just e-mailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work. Then he called the fitness center to set up a membership. He liked the fitness center, so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out.\nJoe: ...Alright, keep an eye on them. Let me know if anything changes. [he and Cartman move on]\nMiller: Will do.\nJoe: It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, and it seems there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone. [they go further into the office to reveal a large room with over a hundred detectives all at their desks keeping tabs on everyone else.] Sergeant! What have you got, Larson.\nLarson: Got a seventeen-year-old female down in Jacksonville. She called her friend and asked her if she wanted to see the Percy Jackson movie. Then she e-mailed her mom at work and asked if it was okay. The mom said yes, but called her husband first to make sure there weren't any dinner plans.\nJoe: Alright, keep an eye on all three of them.\nLarson: Will do. [Joe and Cartman walk a few steps, then turn around. Behind them is the other half of the large room.]\nJoe: If you think you got the stomach for this, then we can definitely use your help, young man.\nDetective: Sir, you might wanna check this out.\nJoe: What have you got?\nDetective: Thirty-two-year-old pizza delivery man. He just put it on his Twitter account that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln Memorial. [long pause]\nScene Description: The city, day. Joe and Cartman are in an NSA vehicle pursuing this lead. Here's the NSA as police force.\nCartman: [\"Four sixteen pm. The chief asked me to join him as he went to question the possible suspects. I agreed to go along. Hopefully, the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions.\" The chief looks at him. \"lol.\" The chief focuses on the road again. Moments later they stop in front of a house and get out of the car. The chief knocks on the door and a hippie answers it.]\nHippie: Well well, the NSA. I should've known.\nJoe: We wanna talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting.\nHippie: Hey man, I was just blowin' smoke. Say, what right does the government have reading my private e-mails anyway?! Haven't you squares heard of the Constitution?\nJoe: Yeah, we've heard of that. We've also heard of the Declaration of Independence. See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you, people who think their government doesn't have the right to go around poking their noses in the e-mails of its citizens. That is, until a plane flies into a couple of towers and a little girl loses her life. You wanna live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home, and that land won't be home so long as folks out there wanna take that American flag and shove it so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes for a week, and as you're sittin' there on the toilet with the Star-Spangled Montezuma's Revenge there's one thing I can guarantee you.\nHippie: Yeah? What's that?\nJoe: You won't care who's checkin' your Twitter account then. [holds up a hard copy of the delivery man's tweets.]\nHippie: ...I never thought of it that way.\nAlec Baldwin: [\"I fucked Jack Lemmon's makeup girl in a Port-A-Potty. Woops.\" The chief notices the lights on Cartman's Shitter device but doesn't say anything.]\nScene Description: Craig's house, day. He's on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip on TV.\nTerrance: Hey Phillip! Pull my finger! [the doorbell rings and he gets up to answer it] Aaaahahahaha. [he opens the door and sees Butters with the two Polynesian women]\nButters: Hello, Craig. How would you like to know the Truth?\nCraig: ...The truth about what?\nButters: We're just goin' through the neighborhood an' seein' if you've accepted the government into your heart.\nCraig: ...Aahhhh, no, I don't think so.\nPamphleteer: My colleague and I, we went to saaah experience at DMV. We went to DMV, we admit all our shortcomings an sins and uh make a tital wave of peace and serenity with the truth stored inside our heart.\nCraig: ...Okay. [next scene, all four of them are on the sofa.]\nButters: You see, Craig, once I came clean with the government, I no longer had anything to hide. Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV literature?\nCraig: Aaaaaaaaaaaahh, no.\nButters: Well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here, Craig. There's even some quotes from President Obama. [hands him a booklet] Could you read this part out lout?\nCraig: [slowly reading] Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and proficient.\nButters: Yeah. Whattaya think President Obama means when he says that?\nCraig: I have no idea.\nButters: Well, we believe that he means the government loves you, and it wants to forgive you if you just let the government into your heart.\nPamphleteer: Yes sir. [the boys look at her] See, i used to be like you. I go around sending them nasty e-mails and a nasty texts, puttin' nasty picture on my nasty Facebook. But then I realized, all these things, they live forever, because the government keep a file on us. So all that live forever up in what they call the Clou'. It's a government term. If they could put a file in the Clou', then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones and maybe get those things off my record off the Clou'. Because we all live forever in the Clou'.\nButters: Uh huh. [looks at Craig] Did you follow all that, Craig? [his eyes dart around] Uh, I don't think I really followed all that.\nScene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Back at the main office, Cartman now has his own desk as an NSA detective.\nCartman: [\"I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust.\" A shot of Alec Baldwin and his date at a buffet restaurant. The camera pans across until it reaches the couple. \"So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation.\"]\nDate: What is that voice?\nAlec Baldwin: Some little faggot in my head.\nCartman: Hey, so um, as I'm going through people's e-mails and phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with?\nDetective 3: Pretty simple. Everyone has a file. People who have a status of \"threat\", \"possible threat\", or \"person of interest\" are the ones we really wanna look at.\nDetective 4: The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes.\nCartman: Really? How big is my file?\nDetective 4: Huh?\nCartman: Uhh, that us, uhh, yo-you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman. All his blogs and e-mails have been watched for quite some time.\nDetective 3: Jarvis, what have we got on an \"Eric Cartman\"? Any files on Eric Cartman.\nJarvis: Ohhh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit, but Central Computer designated his status as \"fat and unimportant.\"\nCartman: Uhh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. I think we need to change his status to \"ripped and sweet.\" [no one listens. He stands up on his desk] 'Scuse me. Excuse me! There's a very important threat to national security! We need to change Eric Cartman's status!\nScene Description: Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles, day. Officer Barbrady stands at the counter holding his hat in his right hand...\nBarbrady: And that's when I masturbated to Game of Thrones. I know it was wrong to masturbate, and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty.\nClerk 2: What the? [looks over his left shoulder] Why do these people keep coming here?\nBarbrady: But I am done forever with Game of Thrones. Forever\nClerk 2: Next, please! [ding]\nBarbrady: Thank you. [puts on his hat and walks away. Nearby is a little group Butters has been forming, and Barbrady stops by]\nGroup: [clapping] Yaaaaaay.\nButters: Congratulations, Brother! How do you feel?\nBarbrady: I, I feel really good.\nGroup: [clapping] Heehhhhhhhah. [in the waiting area, a woman peeks over a man's shoulder to see what's going on]\nCustomer: Wow, those people over there seem like they're havin' fun. [Barbrady hugs the colleague and shakes the pamphleteer's hand]\nButters: [takes a few steps away from the group] I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than at the DMV with all you wonderful people. Now let's all pledge Allegiance. [the group turns to face the flag] I pledge allegiance.\nGroup: To the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [while the group recites the Pledge, the following takes place]\nLarry: [walks in and crosses the room towards the group] What the hell is going on here?! This is the DMV! There will be no joy here!\nClerk 3: Uh people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong.\nCustomer 2: Hey, I'm just trying to renew my license. How much longer do I gotta wait? [the group finishes the Pledge]\nLarry: [faces the customer and points at him] Shut up! Sit there and wait, and no cell phones or other things that pass time joyously! I'll put a stop to this! [walks to the group]\nScene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Cartman pleads his case.\nCartman: Look, I am telling you that you are making a huuuge mistake! Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare!\nChief Joe: Not according to the Central Computer.\nCartman: The Central Computer is wrong! You need to change his status!\nChief Joe: Sorry, [stands and moves away from his desk] but if Central Computer says he is not a threat, then we can't do anything. [moves through the office]\nCartman: [runsn to catch up with the chief] Can't do anything?? You're the NSA!\nChief Joe: There's 300 million people out there. How do you think we're able to keep track of every single person in the country? How do you think we're able to really know who's doing what?[they reach a pair of thick steel doors]\nCartman: I don't know.\nChief Joe: Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff, because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. Then our enemies would do it. We can't let our enemies get their hands on this.\nCartman: Get their hands on what? [the chief presses some keys on the keypad next to the doors, and the doors open] Dude... [Santa is shown suspended in midair by a harness. Cables go from Santa to the surrounding wall of computers, and a massive one is attached to his privates. Several techs stand on a platform circling the room, looking at some of the many computers present]\nChief Joe: This is how we know who's a threat and who's not. How we know who's sleeping and who's awake. [Cartman runs away from the entrance, whips out a whistle and starts blowing it] How we know that...\nCartman: You think I'm fat and unimportant now?! [rips off his fake mustache] I AM Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you! This is all being broadcast LIVE on my Twitter Zeppelin, and on Alec Baldwin's new television show, via Shitter!\nScene Description: Alec Baldwin's new show\nAlec Baldwin: Hi everybody, and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, \"Free Pass with Alec Baldwin\"\nCartman: [\"Your secret is out, NSA! And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can kiss your program goodbye!\"]\nScene Description: At NSA Headquarters.\nCartman: You should have taken me out when you had the chance. Now everyone knows the truth! And everyone's gonna think I'm superkewl!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, evening. Cartman is weeping in his room at his computer when Liane walks in\nLiane: Eric, honey, what's the matter?\nCartman: [through his tears] It didn't work, Mom! I infiltrated the NSA, and I was a whistleblower and I thought everyone would be super-pissed off at what exposed about the government, but nobody cared! Nobody cares if the government is listening in on everything! Nobody cares if Santa Claus is hooked up to a big horrible machiiiine!\nLiane: I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie. But they're keeping us safe.\nCartman: Well now you just sound like everybody eeeelse?! [cries hard now]\nLiane: Honey, it's okay.\nCartman: It's not gonna be okay because now I'm a whistleblower, and against my conscience I'm gonna have to hide out in Russiaaaa! [weeps some more]\nLiane: No, you don't have to fly to Russia, hon.\nCartman: I do toooo!\nLiane: No, it will be fine. How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine?\nCartman: Okaaay. [she walks out and Cartman calms down] I just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon.\nLiane: Okay, hon.\nScene Description: Moments later the front door bell rings and Cartman goes to answer it in his bath robe, with cup of tea in hand. He opens the door and Butters is at the landing alone.\nButters: Hello. How would you like to know the Truth?\nCartman: ...The fuck are you talking about, Butters?\nButters: It's time to let go, Eric. Don't you see there's no other way? Just let the government into your heart.\nCartman: [walks away, then stops] It's too late for me, Butters. I have to go to Russia and live with the Commie dwarfs.\nButters: [steps in and approaches Cartman] It's never too late. There's a place where you can start over. [gives him a DMV booklet]\nCartman: What's this?\nButters: Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you, your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes.\nCartman: I can be forgiven?\nButters: Yes.\nCartman: For everything bad I've ever done?\nButters: Yes!\nCartman: And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again?\nButters: That's right.\nCartman: [wipes his forhead and sniffs] Thta's pretty kewl.\nScene Description: The DMV, day. Butters' group is back, and bigger than last time. Carl Weathers is a new member, Craig is a new member, and now someone else is joining. There's an organ playing, giving this a Revival feel. Everyone in the group is moving and clapping.\nButters: We've got a new member today! Eric Cartman, do you love your country?!\nCartman: I do, I love my country!\nButters: Do you pledge allegiance to the Flag?!\nCartman: I pledge it! I pledge the fucking allegiance!\nButters: Hallelujah!\nGroup: Yaaaaay!\nPaul: Do you want us to kick them out of here, Lar?\nLarry: No... No, leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people happy here at the DMV. [Organ music fades out] Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating people badly we can offer them comfort and hope. Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things off their chests. Confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world! And then, DMVs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe. And when they do something wrong we can offer forgiveness! Don't you see what this could lead to? Don't you see what we could become??\nScene Description: WMZ News 4 Breaking News\nNews anchor: The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys. [in the picture over his shoulder are a bunch of DMV workers in handcuffs being led away by police. Four boys stand together nearby, naked and crying, with their hands over their privates.] The heads of the DMV were arrested and the director stated, quote: Hey, it came with the territory. With the DMV shut down, Americans have been asked to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office. [an arm appears and gives the anchorman a sheet of paper, then retracts] We've just received word that the US Postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. It now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station. WMZ News will be back in... a young boy."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Wendy is presenting her oral report.\nWendy: [reading from her yellow index cards] Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria should be considered in need-\nCartman: Boooo! [Wendy looks up and gets angry] Boo, Wendy! Boo, Wendy Testaburger, Boo!\nWendy: [returns to her report] Refugees from Syria should be considered in need of international protection.\nCartman: Boo, Wendy, Boooooo! Boo Wendy.\nWendy: [returns to her report, with her voice clearly getting more annoyed and explicit] The vast majority of refugees from Syria are likely to meet refugee status criteria and issued benefits from-\nCartman: Boooo, Wendy Testaburger, Boooooo! [Wendy lowers her report down to her sidee-] Boo Wendy! Liar!\nWendy: Instead of booing my opinion, why don't you make a constructive argument?!\nCartman: I'm not booing your opinion, I'm booing your report topic. No one even knows what a refewgee is. Boo, booben, boo.\nWendy: Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please? [no reaction - he's rather engrossed in the book he's reading] Mr. Garrison?!\nMr. Garrison: [startled] Huh? Oh, oh, Wendy, uhhh, very nicely done. Thank you. Okay, next report, [Wendy looks betrayed] let's have uh, Peter Mullen.\nWendy: [extremely annoyed, goes to her seat] Ugh, Jesus! [Peter walks up and takes her place]\nPeter: My report is on the vile and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television. Fellow students: there is a plague of smut on our cable boxes! [whips out a remote control box and presses a button. A projector screen comes down behind him] Shows that feature reenactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicide! [the screen stops] I'm talking of course about [presses another button and the first image comes up. It's an Investigation Discovery screenshot] murder porn!\nButters: Murder porn?\nCartman: That's more like it.\nPeter: According to the Nielsen ratings, viewership in shows like \"Cold Case Files,\" \"Dateline: Murder,\" and \"Deadly Affairs\" is skyrocketing amongst married couples. The increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex, and innuendo, to make spousal murder more titillating. Shows like \"Southern Fried Homicide,\" \"Sinful Secrets,\" \"On The Case with Paula Zahn.\" And it's all smut and it's garbage and it's [throws down his index cards] trash! [a few seconds later he clears his throat and gathers up his index cards] Your parents are watching this stuff! Go home and ask them! And as we ask them we must also ask ourselves, \"If they're obsessed with this stuff, then how long? How long before one of our daddies dresses up in lingerie and bashes Mommy's head in with a brick?\" [the class is speechless with mouths open. Only Cartman claps]\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan comes home from school and walks up the stairs to his room when he hears noises coming out of his parents' room. Sharon is surely enjoying it. Stan, still wearing his backpack, walks up to the bedroom door and listens in. He knocks on the door\nRandy: Oh crap, who could that be-?! Oh it's, it's, probably fuckin' Stan! Ah, hang on a second bud. [some low rumbles are heard] Come on in. [Stan goes in. Randy is in his most relaxed pose in bed] Oh hey Stan, what's up? [Stan looks at the TV screen to his right]\nScene Description: TV screen.\nNarrator: His wife is having sex with the neighbor. [a couple going at it in bed] And when her husband comes home, [the husband opens the bedroom door, the couple notices and stops.] he wants more than just a divorce. [the husband raises his gun and kills the boyfriend, than the wife. Sharon picks up the remote and switches channels]\nStan: You guys are watchin' murder porn?\nRandy: ...Murder porn? Stan, this is just an investigative crime show.\nSharon: Uh adults like documentaries.\nRandy: Yes Stan, these are based on real things. This is like news. It's informative. Parents like informative stuff.\nStan: Okaaay. [turns around and walks out. Sharon switches back to the show]\nRandy: Oh we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?!\nScene Description: Later that night, in his room, Stan is sleeping. His phone rings and he picks up.\nStan: What's up dude?\nCartman: Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?\nStan: Uh, yeah, the first grader?\nCartman: You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.\nScene Description: '[Back in Stan's room. Stan looks shocked at what Cartman said through the phone.]'\nStan: What?!\nScene Description: Aaron's house crime scene. Police and ambulance are there, along with a news crew. Aaron is on the front lawn crying, and Stan shows up. The dead mom, who has a large knife jabbed into her head through her right eye, is wheeled out by the paramedics. As they pass by Aaron, he sees his mom's dead body and screams in sheer terror.\nSergeant Yates: Hey that kid should not be seeing this! [Aaron is still crying in despair, while an officer drops a blanket over him so he can't see]\nStan: What happened?\nDad: You're making a mistake! [he is naked and covered with blood, two officers haul him towards a police cruiser, while he struggles] Let me go! It wasn't me, I tell ya! A burglar broke in! He was black! He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face! He was blaaack! [the officers put him in and close the back door. The boys don't believe what they've just seen]\nScene Description: South Park County Community Center, day. A bunch of bicycles cover the parking area and kids can be heard inside. Kyle tries to hold court\nKyle: Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned, but we have to work together!\nRed: How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?!\nClyde: The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagens' DVR. What more proof do we need?!\nButters: I called the networks that are putting this smut out there, and you know what they told me?! They told me if I didn't want my parents watchin', then I should spend more time with them! Like it's my fault!\nWendy: This is the result of a broken society in which profits come before morals!\nCartman: Boooooooooo. Boooo Wendy Testaburger! Boo!\nKyle: Look everybody, I know we all feel our hands are tied, but the fact is, we can do something about this. There's an app which can actually allow kids to block things that their parents watch on television. And it is password-protected with a security code that only a child would know.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. The Marshes are in bed watching ID.\nNarrator: Tonight at 10, it's a tale of lust, seduction, and murder, on Sexy Betrayals. [a man and woman kiss. He holds a wedding ring in one hand, and a knife in the other] Then at 7, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits, [a couple kisses on the front porch, then the girlfriend shots her man point blank in the forehead, smiling] on Southern Fried Homicide. But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder, [another couple. The girl stabs the guy through the left eye] on Hot Load Case Files. [a woman is ready to unload on her man and the two other women he's in bed with]\nRandy: Oh yeah! [he and Sharon strip down] Three of the best shows in a row!\nSharon: Is the lube over there?\nRandy: Yeah, I got lube right here.\nSharon: Well get over here, big guy.\nRandy: Yeah-hah! [he moves over to her and they start making out. He leaves the lube near the edge of the bed. A three-tone chime is heard. Randy looks over and reads the screen]\nScene Description: The screen reads: \"CONTENT BLOCKED. To unlock, answer the security question: 'How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?'\nRandy: What the? [sits up. The lube falls off the bed] What the hell? [tries to change channels, but they all say the same thing. Moments later he's on the phone with his cable service.] Yeah, hi, uhh, we aren't getting our informative murder porn. No, no, none of our channels that have informative murder porn appear to be working. Yeah, the screen just says \"How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?\" Uhhh yes, we do have children. A what? A parental lock?\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. His door is open. Randy walks into view, wearing only slippers, but stays in the hallway. Because he's naked, he's covering his privates\nRandy: Stan. Stan! [Stan wakes up, his eyes half-closed] How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?\nStan: [miffed] What?\nRandy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?!\nStan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff. [closes his eyes]\nRandy: Oh come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? You, you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it?! That's stupid! [thinking a bit. Stan opens his eyes] I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigate Discovery, Stan! It'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! [Stan closes his eyes again] Stan? [Stan opens his eyes] You're a lousy kid! I wish Jaden Smith was my son! [goes back to his room. Stan rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep]\nScene Description: Get Cable offices, day. Inside, in the waiting area, is a group of angry, locked-out adults, including Gerald, Stuart, Stephen and Linda, and Mrs. Tweak.\nStephen: Who do out children think they are?! Blocking our TV content?!\nMrs. Tweak: How are they able to do this with their smartphones?\nRandy: It's all right. Our kids think they've outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company! [Stuart returns from a meeting with the cable company] What'd they say? Can they remove the parental lock?\nStuart: No, they just did their usual cable-company runaround.\nRandy: What?! We'll see about this! [storms into the office] Excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now!\nCable Guy: I'm sorry sir. If you need it now, perhaps you should switch to another cable company. [tauntingly] Ohhh there's not another cable company, is there? [begins to rub his nipples in circles] Ohhh, that's right, we're the only one in town.\nRandy: Look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to block them!\nCable Guy: As we told the others, sir, we can fix it. We just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box.\nRandy: [relieved somewhat] Oh. Well okay, great.\nCable Guy: [begins to process the request on his computer] We'll just need to find a window of time you can be home... How about between the hours of 6 am and 3 pm all of November?\nRandy: NO, I can't wait around my house from 6 am to 3 pm all of November!\nCable Guy: [begins to taunt again] Oh, you can't? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Jeez that's too bad. You need to be home for the technician. Have you thought of switching to DirecTV?\nRandy: I can't afford DirecTV.\nCable Guy: Oh, you can't? [rips off some patches covering his nipples off his shirt and begins rubbing his nipples directly] Jeez, that's terrible. Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows. [squeezes his nipples. Randy just glares at him and walks out]\nStephen: Well? Any luck?\nRandy: No, just the usual cable-company stuff.\nMrs. Tweak: Oh well, guess we'll just have to live without our informative crime drama.\nStephen: No, screw that! Can't we just learn this Minecraft game so we can get around our kids' parental lock?\nRandy: I've tried! It's not like other video games. I really don't get it. It was all retro and like Legos, but, then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off.\nStephen: We can learn, Randy. There's talk of a child. Word is he will teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price.\nScene Description: In front of a kid's house, day. Randy knocks on the door. A boy holding a lollipop answers the door.\nBoy: Hello?\nRandy: Hi. Corey Lanskin?\nCorey: Yes?\nRandy: We heard that... you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults?\nCorey: Fuck off! [shuts the door on Randy. The adults are stunned and look at each other. Randy knocks on the door again, twice. Corey answers the door again, still suspicious]\nRandy: Look, we were told that you were available for hire and we're desperate!\nCorey: You was told wrong, mistuh! I'm just a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things!\nRandy: We have a hundred ounces of silver. [Stuart leans to his left a bit and shows off a box]\nCorey: [looks right, then left, and talks in a serious British accent] Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones. [goes inside. Randy looks back at the other adults, then wipes his shoes off on the welcome mat and goes in. The other adults wipe their shoes off and go on in.]\nScene Description: Corey's basement, moments later. He's got two long tables in there, with three computers on each table, all loaded up and ready for Minecraft training.\nCorey: [pacing back and forth between the tables explaining the game] Next we're going to select an empty world. Selecting an empty world will begin with you being dropped onto a beach. Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees!\nGerald: Punching trees?\nRandy: Why, why would we punch trees?\nCorey: Just use your fucking brain! How do you get wood? [Randy isn't sure] 'Ow do you get wood?!\nRandy: [nervously] Watching informative murder porn?\nCorey: NOO NOO, in this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?!\nRandy: Puh, punching trees?\nCorey: Riiight. You punch the trees to get the wood, you get the wood to build a cabin.\nRandy: Oh, I see. So when does the game start?\nCorey: You are playing the game; this is the game!\nRandy: ...I don't get it.\nCorey: That's because you're thinkin' like a dad. Minecraft, it don't got no winner. It don't got no objective. You just fuckin' build an' shit. And seein' if other things can come and knock it down. Now, let's click on the inventory, and let's filter through the skin!\nRandy: Yes ah, I'm getting it now.\nGerald: You are?\nRandy: No.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Sharon is in bed looking bored.\nSharon: Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep.\nRandy: [at his computer playing away] I almost got it, Sharon. I found out where the horse is; now I just gotta figure out how to tame one.\nSharon: I'm really not in the mood now anyway.\nRandy: Sharon, I miss being intimate with you! Everything was so passionate and then it just... dropped off. I feel like we're losing our bond.\nSharon: We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.\nRandy: No, I know, but it's like we're just good friends. A marriage has to be more than that! A marriage has to include fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes. Magma cube? What the hell is a magma cube?\nSharon: [settling in] Well I'm going to sleep, Randy.\nRandy: Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Stan and Kyle walk down the hall\nJimmy: There he is. Hey Kyle! [arrives with Craig and Tweek] The parental lock isn't working. Our parents are still watching murder porn.\nKyle: What? How do you know?\nTweek: I caught my parents over at Bebe's house watching Sunsets of Homicide. But Bebe got the lock from the cable company!\nCraig: It's true. I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem. They broke the parental lock somehow.\nStan: That's impossible. Are you guys sure you set it up right?\nCartman: You guys? [Stan and Kyle turn to face him. He's at the end of the hall] You guys, you'd better get over here.\nStan: What?\nCartman: Butters' dad killed his mom. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in disbelief]\nScene Description: Around the corner, down another hall. Butters is sitting on the floor crying. Around him are Bebe, Wendy, Kenny consoling him, and Cartman. Stan, Kyle, Craig, Tweek, and Jimmy arrive and a few other kids gather around\nStan: Butters, what happened?\nButters: [through his tears] I was out by the lake last night and I saw my dad out in this field. He was harvesting sugarcane. It didn't make any sense because he was trying to harvest the sugarcane with a hammer. I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big... thing he had built, and he yelled \"Hey, watch out for the Creepers!\" but she fell!\nKyle: Wait... wait, you mean in Minecraft?\nButters: Yeah. And then my dad just went berserk and came over and picked me up and threw me down a well! [Mr. Mackey happens along] I was trapped down there all night!\nMr. Mackey: Butters, your dad threw you down a well?\nStan: In Minecraft.\nMr. Mackey: Well what the hell is that?\nButters: I finally found a ladder and I was able to hoist myself out and there was my dad... frozen in the lake! It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it! Oh God it was so terrible! It was so terrible!\nKyle: [turns left] That's it. [walks a bit] That's how our parents broke the passcode. I never thought anyone would stoop so low!\nStan: Whattaya mean?\nKyle: Someone is teaching our parents Minecraft. [dramatic flourish]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dawn. Two officers knock on his door. He answers it in his bathrobe\nRandy: Yes?\nOfficer 1: Hello sir, had a little incident last night, wondering if you saw or heard anything?\nRandy: No, what happened?\nOfficer 1: Well, someone broke into your next door neighbor's back yard and they... dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.\nRandy: Punched his trees, huh?\nOfficer 1: Yes sir. Then we got a house across the street where someone dug up the yard and... built a cabin.\nRandy: Huh. [puts his hands on his hips] That's weird.\nOfficer 1: What were you doing last night?\nRandy: I was just playing Mi- mmmmuh... my banjo.\nOfficer 2: I play the banjo too.\nOfficer 1: Well, thanks for your time sir. You might wanna keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.\nRandy: Will do, officer. Will... do... [the officers turn and leave]\nScene Description: South Park County Community Center, day. The kids are back inside, clamoring. Kyle is at the podium, and Stan stands next to him\nKyle: Alright, alright, let's calm down! I know we're all concerned here!\nCartman: Concerned?! Thanks to you and your stupid app, parents are still watching murder porn, and now they're screwing up Minecraft too! [the kids clamor for a few seconds]\nCraig: I spent three hours last night trying to get Tweek's parents to stop griefing my castle! When I finally got away from them, I found they had taken all my dandelions!\nClyde: Why did we agree to that stupid app?!\nKyle: You know why! Because we're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn!\nCartman: And why was that?! Because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom! For all we know, that kid's parents have been doing drugs and cheating on each other for years! Maybe watching murder porn had nothin' to do with it!\nWendy: I have to agree with Cartman. Maybe we overreacted when our parents-\nCartman: Boooooo! Boo Wendy, boooo.\nStan: It's true, dude. Maybe we just need to trust that our parents won't act out what they see. [police sirens are heard]\nOfficer 3: All right, that's enough. Come on out and there won't be any trouble. [the kids pour out of the rec center and into some bright spotlights.] Give it up, Stotch. You've nowhere to run.\nButters: Huh?\nStephen: I'll never give up! [the kids look up, and the next camera shows a makeshift castle built over the rec center, made of blocks of wood with pictures all over them] I don't even remember doing this! Just leave me alone!\nRandy: [steps forward carrying a large hammer] Huhuh. Oh nice one, Stotch! Your castle fuckin' sucks!\nStephen: Aw, go to hell, you griefer!\nCartman: Alright, we've gotta do something.\nScene Description: Corey's house, day. Kyle knocks on Corey's door. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are with him.\nCorey: [in a trembling voice] Hello?\nKyle: Corey Lanskin?\nCorey: Eh yes?\nKyle: We heard that you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.\nCorey: [sucks on his lollipop] Whaaa? What's a, what's a \"Minequaf\"?\nStan: Look dude, we're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows! This could be a matter of life and death!\nCorey: Oh no, please don't be angry. My mommy's always angry. \"Get back in the meat locker!\" \"Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!\" But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me?\nKyle: Uh alright, sorry kid. Gue- guess we have the wrong house.\nCorey: Ohhhkay. [goes back inside] Bye. [closes the door. The boys turn around and leave, but Cartman stops on the walkway. A few seconds later the other three boys return]\nStan: What, dude?\nCartman: Something he said. Did you hear him? He said \"Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!\"\nStan: So?\nCartman: You know, if I'd been caught lying about something, that's exactly what I would have said.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, in Corey's basement, new players at the the computers. Only four of them this time, including Craig's parents and Clyde's father.\nCorey: Now that you've built a workbench it's time to build somethin' that will take care of all those fuckin' sheep! [the boys have found the basement and come down the stairs] Just stop thinkin' with your grown-up brains and start usin' your-\nStan: Aha! [the boys reach the floor]\nCorey: Oh shit! [the adults quickly leave]\nKenny: (I knew you're up to something!)\nCartman: Son of a bitch! [grabs Corey by the collar] Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff?!\nCorey: Kids gotta find some way to make a livin', don't 'e?\nStan: You have no idea what this is about, do you?! We were using Minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows!\nCorey: What? You mean like Investigation Discovery?\nKyle: So you know it.\nCorey: Yeah, I've seen that stuff. [Cartman releases him] \"'Oo The Bleep Did I Marry?\", \"True Crime with Aphrodite Jones\". Real sick shit. Your parents watch that stuff?\nKyle: We put a stop to it, until YOU taught them Minecraft.\nCorey: Your problem ain't with me, mates. Sure, one or two people might act out what they see in video games, but cable television? [takes out a cigarette and lighter and lights up the cigarette, then starts smoking.] People copy everything they see people do on cable. You're goin' about this all wrong. You wanna protect your family? You're gonna have to go fight the cable company.\nScene Description: The cable company, day. The boys walk up to the cable guy\nCable Guy: Hey guys, can I help you?\nKyle: Hello. There are certain networks that we see as harmful to our families, and we want them removed, please.\nCable Guy: [taunting] Ohhh, you don't want cable anymore?\nStan: No no, [whips out a list and reads it] just ID Network, A&E, Oxygen, and Oprah's network. All the ones with murder porn.\nCable Guy: You don't like paying for all the channels? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Ohh, our company actually packages channels together.\nStan: Look, can you unpackage them so we only get the channels we want?\nCable Guy: Oh I'm sorry. Our company doesn't work that way. [lowers his hands as if to look up something] You want me to give you the number of a different cable company that can- [goes back to rubbing his nipples] Oh wait, we're it, aren't we? [rips off the patches and rubs his nipples again] Dangit, I guess you have to deal with our packages.\nKyle: Can we talk to your supervisor please?!\nCable Guy: Oh, sure. Hey David?\nDavid: [arrives] Hi, is there a problem here? [rips off the patches on his shirt and prepares to rub]\nStan: We want specific networks dropped from our cable.\nDavid: [taunting. Both men are now rubbing their nipples] Ohhh you have to pay for the bundle. You can't just pay for what you wanna watch. Darn it.\nKyle: You mean that we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel?\nCable Guy: I guess if you don't wanna be [lowers his left hand from his nipple so that David starts rubbing it with his right hand. He in turn begins to rub David's right nipple with his left hand] forced to pay for Oprah, you're gonna have to shut off your cable altogether.\nKyle: Fine, [folds his arms over his chest] then we'll shut our cable off altogether!\nDavid: Hey Mitch? When can you get out to shut off some cable boxes?\nMitch: [at his office rubbing his nipples] Oh man, it's gonna be like three weeks. There's a whole plug I have to pull out; it's like four inches long.\nDavid: [now rubbing both of the cable guy's nipples, while the cable guy rubs his left nipple now] Three weeks, huh? Okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys?\nStan: No, that's way too long!\nCable Guy: Oh it is?\nDavid: Oh Jeez, that's terrible.\nStan: Goddammit, I just don't want my parents to murder each other! [the men stop rubbing] Can't you see that all we're trying to do is keep our families safe? Look, ah I don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it, and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching what they wanna watch. All we're trying to do is make it a little more difficult for them. Because cable makes is so convenient. Sure, if they didn't have easy access to their murder porn channels, they'd be bummed out, but it's not just our responsibility to give them what they want. Is it?\nDavid: Say... say that last part again?\nStan: What?\nDavid: Well what was the last part you said?\nStan: I said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want.\nDavid: Nono, the part about your parents not getting the channels easily?\nStan: I... said it would really bum them out.\nDavid: How... [he and the cable guy being to rub their nipples again] How much would it bum them out?\nScene Description: A screen read \"PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE\"\nAnnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message from the president of your local cable company.\nPresident: Hello. In an effort to comfort the anguished cries or children everywhere, your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming. Customers still wishing to view true-crime networks will now need to purchase a separate package [pulls back his coat and rips some patches off his dress shirt] which will require a technician to service your cable box every night from 2 to 3 am. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese. We realize this may be an inconvenience to you, and we hope you will voice ALL your concerns to us, because at your local cable company the customer is always... our bitch.\nScene Description: The Marsh breakfast nook, morning. Stan is doing some homework at the table. Randy is mad and isn't talking to anyone, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. Sharon is washing dishes\nRandy: Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want. You know what? The guys at work, they took a bet on who would win in a fight, you or Jaden Smith, and they all said Jaden Smith could kick your ass! He does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents!\nStan: Well then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, Dad.\nRandy: [gets up angrily from his chair] I wish I could! I wish I could live with Jaden Smith so I could be rich and I wouldn't have to live in a boring sexless marriage where all your mom and I do piss each other off! [Sharon stops washing the dishes and leaves the kitchen. Randy notices and follows her with his eyes] Oh crap.\nScene Description: In the living room. Randy appears at the kitchen doorway\nRandy: Sharon, I'm I'm sorry. [approaches her]\nSharon: No, you'r right, Randy. Without any sex we just seem to get madder and madder at each other.\nRandy: [puts his arms on her shoulders] No, no, you're right, Sharon. We don't need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage. We just have to get the spark back. Let's go away somewhere, me and you! Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us.\nScene Description: The world of Minecraft. A high cliff is shown, with a waterfall and mountain goats. At the foot of this cliff is a lake and a park. A fire pit is nearby, lit and roaring. Randy's Minecraft avatar shows up\nRandy: Sharon? Heh, hey Sharon, are you here?\nSharon: I'm here, Randy.\nRandy: It's beautiful, isn't it? Come on ever here, I built us a fire. Look what I got you. [presents a gem]\nSharon: Diamonds. [takes them] They're beautiful\nRandy: Just thought I'd surprise you. And there's more where that came from.\nSharon: I've got a surprise for you too, Randy.\nRandy: Oh yeah? What's that? [Sharon whips out an axe and jams it into Randy's forehead] AAAGH! [Randy falls on his side and dies. In real life...] Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?![Sharon is smiling]\nSharon: Sorry. I couldn't resist.\nRandy: Jesus, you stuck a pick axe right in my skull!\nSharon: Oh I did! That felt really great.\nRandy: Felt great?\nSharon: [getting sensuous] Yeah...\nRandy: Well, hold on, stay by the lake. I wanna kill you now.\nSharon: Okay. [hours later, Stan comes home from school. He comes up the stairs wearing his backpack and hears his parents having a good time in their room. He walks over and goes in without knocking] Oh my God, you put that sword right through my face!\nRandy: That felt so good!\nSharon: My turn again.\nRandy: Okay, hang on.\nSharon: I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep. Can you go to the cabin and get in bed?\nRandy: Yeah, okay, I'm headin' there now.\nSharon: You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house! [CHUNK!]\nRandy: OH! Ohoho, you bitch! [Stan looks down, then turns around and walks out] Ohohunh.\nSharon: Oh I love you, Randy.\nRandy: I love you too babe. [CHUNK! She got him again] OH!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school halls. Token is at his locker switching books when Cartman comes 'round the corner\nCartman: Hey Token! [walks up to Token] What's up, bro?\nToken: Nothing.\nCartman: \"Nothin'\" Me neither. Nothin's goin' on. Sucks. [sniffs] Everything good with you?\nToken: Yeah.\nCartman: Sweet. [Jimmy walks over and Cartman notices him] Hey Jimmy, what are you doin'?\nJimmy: Uh, I'm just gettin' ready for cla-\nCartman: Yeah, I'm just hangin' out with Token. Did you know that if it wasn't for African-Americans, we wouldn't have Rock & Roll? So cool that we have a black President. [Jimmy walks away and Token is done at his locker] About time. [Stan and Kyle stop to watch]\nStan: Is he doing it again?\nKyle: He's doing it a-gain.\nCartman: Dude, um, what are doing after school, Token? You wanna, you wanna hang out? [Token puts one last book in before closing his locker]\nToken: I uhhh, have band practice.\nCartman: God you are sooo cool. Alright bro, I'll catch you at recess. [makes a fist with his left hand and straightens out his arm toward Token] Fist bump. Fist bump, bro. [Token reluctantly makes a fist with his right hand and bumps Cartman's fist with it. He leaves, and Cartman moves on in a happy mood, stopping by Stan and Kyle]\nStan: Cartman, are you feeling alright?\nCartman: Yeah, I feel great. Why? [looks back] You think something's wrong? [moves on, not smiling]\nScene Description: Herbert Garrison's classroom, later in the day. He's teaching about the French Revolution by way of Les Misérables, on the chalkboard.\nHerbert Garrison: Alright, now the French Revolution was basically started by a young man named Marius. [underlines the name], who only knew Jean Valjean as an older man, and uh- [Cartman interrupts him with a grunt] ...uh, the French government at the time was led by Javert, who was trying to-\nCartman: Mister! [Herbert Garrison turns around] No! Stop, Token, stop! My brains! Stop eating my brains! Brad Pitt! [wakes up violently and looks bewildered. Token is stunned, and Herbert Garrison, with his arms crossed, is not pleased.] Hey Token. What's up, bro? [makes a fist and extends it towards Cartman] Fist bump? [Token is unmoved and upset]\nScene Description: Moments later, at Mr. Mackey's office...\nMr. Mackey: Eric, somethin' is clearly wrong, m'kay, and it would be best to jus' get it out in the open.\nCartman: It's Token. I think he's a ticking time bomb.\nMr. Mackey: And why do you think Token is a tickin' time bomb?\nCartman: He's pissed off. Because of something that happened a long time ago but he won't forget.\nMr. Mackey: Do you think he blames you for somethin'?\nCartman: But it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault!\nMr. Mackey: Wull have you, thought about maybe writin' your feelin's down? In a poem? Uh- write a poem and give that to, g-give that to Token?\nCartman: No, it's too gay. It would only make things worse.\nMr. Mackey: Well Eric, you need to do somethin' because you keep losing sleep. M'kay and sleep is very important to your success at school. M'kay?\nCartman: M'kay. Ahah-I'll be m'kay.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, you sure? Because I'm here when you need me.\nCartman: M'kay.\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's having nightmares.\nCartman: No, Token! Leave Brad Pitt alone! Brad Pitt is fighting zombies! No ah Token, Token!\nScene Description: Cartman's dream, morning. He voices all the characters in it. A family is seated in a breakfast nook in a kitchen. The girls are giggling.\nKarin: [serving pancakes] Eat your breakfast, girls. [turns around to put the pan back on the stove]\nRachel: Where's Daddy?\nKarin: You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry. [the girls giggle and the older one notices someone]\nRachel: Daddy!\nGerry: Good morning, girls. [walks in fully dressed, with a cup of coffee already in hand.] Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling. [Karin walks over and kisses him]\nKarin: How did I get such a perfect husband?\nGerry: How did I get such a beautiful wife?\nRachel: I love you, Dad.\nGerry: I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally.\nKarin: Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other.\nScene Description: News report inside the dream. Gerry turns around to see the TV\nReporter: Today apparently will be the day! CNN has just received word that a verdict in the George Zimmerman trial is expected to come at any moment! Zimmerman is accused of shooting Trayvon Martin, and a jury will now decide his fate.\nConstance: Daddy, who is Trayvon Martin?\nGerry: [turns around] Nobody. L-let's just get you girls to school.\nScene Description: Cartman's dream, downtown, some minutes later. He's on a one-way street with a bunch of other cars all trying to move, but stuck. Somehow, the family remains chipper\nGerry: Is it bigger than a bread box?\nRachel: What's a bread box, Dad?\nConstance: Heehee, Dad is so kewl.\nKarin: You can say that again.\nGerry: [getting worried] Why aren't we moving? What's gong on? [turns on the radio to 106.7 FM and Michael Bublé's \"It's A Beautiful Day\" comes out of the speakers. The family sways along to the beat. A news report comes on the air]\nReporter: We interrupt this cool song for a news bulletin. A verdict has just been handed down in the case of George Zimmerman. In a shocking turn of events, the jury has found George Zimmerman not guilty!\nGerry: Oh my God. [fleeing white people run by his car, quickly overtaken by pissed-off black people]\nReporter: Many African-Americans are outraged by the verdict, and they are most likely about to go totally nanners. [some of them surround the car. One of them punches a window and cracks it, a second cracks the passenger window with his head, a third crawls up on the hood and breaks the windshield with his head, sticking his head inside the car]\nGerry: AAAAAH!\nProtester: Fuck you, Brad Pitt!\nGerry: Let's bail! [steps on the gas and runs over a protester, ripping him to shreds. His car runs into another car and the protester on his hood flies off.] Everyone get out of the car! Go! [the family gets out and runs through the rioting crowd. They climb up a fire escape and onto the roof of a building, then look down over the riot. What they see is amazing: African-Americans converge and climb the side of the building in a great mass of humanity. Some of them fall back towards the street, but the mass gets closer and closer to the roof] Oh my god RUN! [they turn left and come face to face with... Token] WAAH! Token. No, Token, we had nothing to do with this. I know you're pissed off, but but be reasonable!\nToken: Fuck you, Brad Pitt!\nGerry: No! Nonono! [Token lunges at him] Nooo! [Cartman wakes up, touches himself to make sure he's there, and chuckles nervously]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school halls. Token is at his locker switching books when Cartman comes 'round the corner. This time, he looks beat and walks slowly. He sees Token and walks towards him. He didn't get much sleep, and he sounds it\nCartman: Hey Token? How are you doing?\nToken: I'm good.\nCartman: That's awesome. I'm so stoked that we're best friends. [puts his left fist forward] Fist bump. [leans to his left a little] Fist bump. [Token closes his locker and hurries away]\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom, later in the day. Cartman is having nightmares again.\nCartman: No! My wife, Token! Token, that's my wife!\nToken: Okay, really?\nCartman: No Token! Stop beating my daughter! NOOO! [wakes up]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some minutes later.\nMr. Mackey: Now Eric, whatever it is you and Token are going through, you need to talk through it, m'kay? The problems you two are havin' have become a distraction for everybody else. Agreed?\nCartman: Agreed.\nMr. Mackey: Okay. Token, come on in, please. [the door opens and Token walks in, closing it behind him. Token takes a seat next to Cartman]\nCartman: Hoh boy, here we go.\nMr. Mackey: Token, I've been talkin' with Eric and he's really upset that you two aren't gettin' along. You have some things you wanna say, Eric?\nCartman: [after a few seconds] Token, I wasn't on that jury. Okay?\nToken: ...What jury?\nCartman: This grudge that you're holding against an entire group of people should be directed at just a few, not at me.\nMr. Mackey: Okay Token, what are your feelings about that?\nToken: [looks at Eric for a few seconds, then answers] I don't know what to say.\nCartman: I wrote a poem. Is it okay if I read my poem? [pulls out his poem and begins] It's called \"I Was Not The Bullet.\" [clears his throat] I was not the bullet. I was not the gun. I was not the juror that set the shooter free. I was not the trigger. I was not the hate. Nor was I the judge, but still, you judge me? I was not the black family mourning for the dead. \"Oooo, somebody shot our children. Lordy, what we do now?\" I was not the verdict.\nToken: This isn't a poem. It doesn't even rhyme.\nCartman: It's going to rhyme, Token, just hold on. I was not the shooter. I was not the gun. So Token, you should be cool while we're all here at school. [folds his poem up and puts it away.]\nToken: Can I go back to class now?\nMr. Mackey: Eric, do you feel better about all this?\nCartman: Yeah, yeah I do. I think we really had a breakthrough here.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, thanks Token. [Token gets up and leaves the office]\nCartman: It's gonna be okay. I think we're all safe now.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the gym. The students are assembled there. The cheerleaders take the court. Among them is Lorraine, who has previously been mocked for her clothes\nCheerleaders: We are Cows, proud and true! Come on, South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows!\nPrincipal Victoria: Ooookay, thank you, cheerleaders. That was very nice. Ahhh, next we have a student who would like to perform an original rap song, [Nicole sits down next to Token] based on his award-winning poem, \"I Was Not The Bullet,\" with backup music by Butters Stotch. [Butters walks up, takes the mic, and starts beatboxing. Cartman walks up and starts rapping]\nCartman (Butters): Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight. I was not the bullet. I was not the gun. I was not the jury, so don't blame me, son! James my man was wrong (It's not our fault). James my man was wrong (It's not Eric's fault). Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight. White people say Ho-oh!\nThe kids: Ho-oh.\nCartman: Black people say He-ey! [Token and Nicole stay quiet] Cool. White people say Ho ho! [Token and Nicole begin to get mad]\nThe kids: Ho ho!\nCartman: Black people say Hey hey hey! [no reply] Uh oh, I think the white people are winning! White people got you beat, black people; you'd better represent! Let me hear you say \"I don't blame the white people. No no no!\"\nToken: [stands up in defiance] Alright, that's enough! [Butters stops and looks, then gets dismayed] You think I should feel bad for you because of the Trayvon Martin verdict?!\nCartman: Token, calm down.\nToken: What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you all here listening to this?!\nCartman: Oh God here it comes! Get down everybody! Get down now! [throws his mic down and runs off]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Cartman runs into view, rounds the corner and runs towards home\nCartman: Clear the streets! Everyone clear the streets! We've gotta get the fuck out of here! [runs inside his house] Mom it's starting! We've gotta go! [runs up to his room and opens a drawer. He rifles through it looking for something] Come on, come on! [finds a red safety box with \"BRAD PITT SURVIVAL GEAR\" printed on the lid and on the panel under the clasp. He opens it and pulls out a gun and a Brad Pitt costume. He puts the costume on, takes the gun, and runs out into the street] Come on, we've gotta move! It's spreading! Let's go! [nearby, a couple is on their front lawn. The man is trimming bushes while his wife is shoveling snow by the front door.]\nWoman: Does that little boy have a gun?\nMan: Get inside. [drops his shears and heads for the door]\nWoman: But-\nMan: Get inside! [they both go inside. Cartman crosses the stret and a car almost runs him over, but he sidesteps the car and holds his gun out. The car stops and he gets inside]\nCartman: [frantically] Driiive! You've gotta driiive! Nooow!\nNelly's mom: What's going on?!\nCartman: Get to an airport!\nNelly's mom: An airport?! But...?\nCartman: We've got about ten minutes before this entire country is up in flames! If you wanna live, you'd better step on the gas! Oh wait, is this a Tesla? Shit! Well press on the prissy pedal! We're gonna die!! [she presses the pedal and takes off]\nScene Description: The airport, later.\nAnnouncer: Now calling rows 10 through 30 for boarding.\nCartman: The outbreak has started! We've gotta get the fuck out of here! [enters the tunnel]\nPassenger 1: An outbreak? [covers his mouth with his sweater]\nPassenger 2: Which one?\nCartman: Get on the flight! Let's move! Let's go go go go! [Nelly's Mom rushes into the plane. Three black security guards appear] Oh my God! [closes the plane's door and locks it. The guards try to get in, but Cartman holds the handle down with all his might]\nPilot: My God, what's going on out there?\nCartman: The outbreak's starting! Fly the plane now! [the plane takes off moments later]\nScene Description: The airplane, now in the air and safe to walk around in\nCo-pilot: Maybe now you can tell us what the hell is going on?!\nCartman: The e-... The end of the world? We've got one shot and one shot only and that's to find a place where the contagion won't reach us!\nPassenger 3: What contagion? My wife didn't get on the plane. [to the copilot] Take this plane back to Denver!\nCartman: You don't understand. There's no Denver left to go back to! [the passengers all take their seats.]\nScene Description: The control tower. Everyone there is running around trying to figure out how a plane got off without authorization\nCaptain: Alright what the hell is going on here?!\nWorker 1: We don't know anything. First there was talk of a hijacking, then reports of an outbreak of some kind.\nWorker 2: Confirmed report of panic in a rural town in the Colorado Rockies!\nWorker 3: Sir, the pilot of flight 82 wants an update. They're asking permission to land.\nCaptain: Stall them. I don't want that plane landing anywhere until we know what the hell we're dealing with!\nWorker 4: [walks up with a book] Sir, you'd better look at this. This was found in the airport lavatory. It seems to be a survival guide of some kind.\nCaptain: Survival of what?\nWorker 4: From the looks of it, a contagion outbreak of the worst kind. [the book shows a page of black zombies attacking everyone else]\nCaptain: Oh my God.\nPilot: DA43 to tower, please advise! [hangs up the mic] Damnit! They aren't telling me anything!\nCo-pilot: Do you think it's a virus?\nPilot: Virus, bacteria, either way we're all dead! Find out if he thinks it's safe to land in Los Angeles.\nCo-pilot: What about Los Angeles? Can we take the plane to Los Angeles?\nCartman: Not a chance. By now most of the urban cities will be compromised. This whole things from city to city. We need to go somewhere the trend won't take hold. Like Iceland. [points to the island on a map.]\nCo-pilot: This plane won't make it to Iceland!\nPassenger 3: You got a better idea, asshole?!\nCartman: Everyone quiet! I have to think!\nNelly's mom: Yes, let him think!\nCartman: I can't think here. I need a magazine and a toilet. [heads off to the restroom. He sees the \"vacant\" sign and opens the door, only to see a black man on the toilet]\nOccupant: Oh, I'm just finishing up.\nCartman: Nah! [shuts the door and jumps back, then throws everything he can at the door so the occupant can't exit]\nOccupant: Hey!\nCartman: [running back to his seat] One of them is in the back!\nNelly's mom: What?!\nPassenger 3: What do you mean?!\nCo-pilot: Everyone just calm down! We have to stay in control! [the occupant is still trying to get out, and everyone on the plane faces the lavatory door. The occupant begins to grunt and growl]\nPassenger 4: [at one of the doors] I won't become one of them! [forces it open. It rips away, and he flies out. Other things fly out behind them. The other passengers and crew hang on for dear life. The occupant finally exits the lavatory]\nCo-pilot: Shoot it! [instead of waiting for Cartman to shoot the occupant, he takes Cartman's gun and shoots him. The occupant ducks and the bullet ricochets a few times. It hits the ceiling, which causes an explosion.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. Butters is skipping rope with a bunch of girls while Stan and Kyle play catch the football with some other guys\nGirls: Engine engine #9 running down Chicago Line, if the train should jump the track do you want your money back? [the plane appears and only Stan notices it falling to its doom]\nButters: Yes.\nGirls: Y-E-S spells yes- [the plane hits a mountain top, then breaks apart as it goes down the mountain.]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some time later\nMr. Mackey: Now, Token, what you need to understand, m'kay, is that a school assembly is not the time and the place to be yellin' and causin' distractions. M'kay? If there's somebody causin' you problems, then we don't disrupt the assembly, m'kay. You come and you talk to me.\nToken: He's just out looking for trouble.\nMr. Mackey: Well that's your side of it, Token, but you know Eric has his side as well. Have you thought about maybe writin' him a poem? M'kay? Write E- write Eric a poem, tell him how you feel. [smoke from the plane crash rises behind the mountains] You know, m'kay? Well I'm tellin' you, Token, you let it go, and he'll let it go, and it'll all be fine. Can ya?\nScene Description: The crash site. Cartman comes to and leaves the wreckage. Nelly's Mom is nearby, and she's calling someone\nNelly's mom: No, the plane crashed. We're in the Colorado mountains somewhere. [the call drops] Matt? Matt?! [notices Cartman and walks up to him to explain] My husband. He said the outbreak was all over the news, but everything was totally fine where he was.\nCartman: Totally fine? Then it hasn't happened yet. Oh my God, we still have time!\nPilot: [barely alive] Help! Help me! [Cartman runs up to him] Please, I have two little girls in Chicago. Please find them!\nCartman: It's okay. We have reason to believe it hasn't spread yet.\nPilot: Then you have to stop it.\nNelly's mom: Yes!\nPilot: And there must be... a Patient Zero... The person it all starts from.\nCartman: His name is Token.\nNelly's mom: We have to kill him, before he infects everyone else!\nCartman: I won't do it! He used to be my friend!\nPilot: You have to! You have to be strong. If you can stop this- if you can save the world- then you have to do it. [coughs up blood] Promise me! Promise... me!\nCartman: [sighs] Alright. I promise. I won't let the black people riot and destroy the world.\nPilot: Thank you-wait, what? [sits up, but dies a few seconds later]\nNelly's mom: Oh my God! Oh my God!\nCartman: We're gonna live through this! Do you hear me?!\nNelly's mom: Yes!\nCartman: [takes her hand] Come on! [they leave the crash site]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's watching TV from the sofa\nReporter: First, a wave of 911 calls about a virus, and now a plane has apparently gone down in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Is this the beginning of the end?\nButters: Oh boy! Zombie apocalypse!\nReporter: The government is looking for a Patient Zero, going only off of this sketch which was found in a notebook at the airport. [Butters suddenly recognizes the person in the picture] Anyone with information regarding Patient Zero is asked to contact the authorities immediately.\nButters: Holy Moly.\nScene Description: Jimbo's Guns, day. Cartman and Nelly's Mom reach it and go inside. Cartamn closes the door\nJimbo: Can I help you?\nCartman: Stay by the window! Tell me if anything changes! [walks up to the counter] I need something that can shoot with complete accuracy from a distance.\nJimbo: Alright, you want a rifle! [turns around and takes a rifle from the wall, then turns back and hands it to Cartman] well, like this .22 caliber. [Cartman looks it over, and Jimbo puts his hand on his hip] What is it you intend to shoot?\nCartman: A person. [Nelly's Mom looks around]\nJimbo: ...You mean a person who's threatening you?\nCartman: Threatening all of us!\nNelly's mom: Please, please hurry! It's important!\nJimbo: Well, you should be fine so long as the person breaks into your house and is an immediate threat to you.\nCartman: What?! How am I supposed to get a person to break into my house?!\nJimbo: You can't shoot someone who threatens you just out on the street. Well unless of course you're in a state that has a \"stand your ground\" law.\nCartman: Stand my ground?\nNelly's mom: Please! We're running out of time!\nJimbo: See now with a \"stand your ground\" law, you could legally shoot somebody that's threatening you whether they're in your house or not.\nCartman: Yes yes, that's what I need! I'll take that!\nJimbo: No, no, see, you've gotta be IN a state with a \"stand your ground\" law, like Florida.\nCartman: [walks away from the counter] This is hopeless. How am I supposed to shoot Token with all these stupid rules?! [his eyes light up] Wait a minute. I can't shoot Token, [turns around] but I can shoot anyone I want in Florida?\nJimbo: So long as they're threatening you.\nNelly's mom: What?! What is it, please?! Hurry, my husband might still be alive!\nCartman: The other way to stop the outbreak. Token isn't the only Patient Zero. The outbreak won't happen if... we shoot George Zimmerman. We have to get to Florida!\nScene Description: Cartman and Nelly's Mom are back at Denver Airport, and the sequence of events from the first plane crash repeat themselves here: Cartman and Nelly's Mom run into the airplane\nCartman: Let's go, let's go! Let's move move move move! Let's go![the plane takes off. Once in the air...] Find the closest airport in Florida! [injects himself with something]\nFlight Attendant: This plane is going to Baltimore.\nCartman: If we don't get to Florida there's not going to be a Baltimore left! [everyone sits down] Black guy in the back! [the plane crashes into the Everglades. Cartman and Nelly's Mom make it out of the wreckage] Alight, now let's find Zimmerman.\nScene Description: Florida, evening. A weather-beaten yellow truck crashes into a state sign. Cartman and Nelly's Mom get out and meet behind the truck bed. Cartman opens up his bag.\nCartman: Put this on. We have to stay hidden from here out. [hands her a black sweater, which she puts on as she walks onto the roadway]\nNelly's mom: What are we going to do?\nCartman: I'm going to flush out Patient Zero. And you're gonna shoot him. It's the only way.\nNelly's mom: What if he attacks us first?\nCartman: Don't worry, nobody can see us wearing black.\nNelly's mom: I haven't had the time to thank you, for doing what you've d- [a Moov-It truck slams into her and carries her body away. Cartman is confused]\nScene Description: Florida, day. The camera pans down and lands on the Zimmerman residence. A family is seated in the breakfast nook in the kitchen. The girls are giggling.\nMrs. Zimmerman: [serving pancakes] Eat your breakfast, girls. [turns around to put the pan back on the stove]\nOlder daughter: Where's Daddy?\nMrs. Zimmerman: You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry. [the girls giggle and the older one notices someone]\nOlder daughter: Daddy!\nGeorge Zimmerman: Good morning, girls. [walks in fully dressed, with a cup of coffee already in hand.] Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling. [Mom walks over and kisses him]\nMrs. Zimmerman: How did I get such a perfect husband, George Zimmerman?\nGeorge Zimmerman: And how did I get such a beautiful wife?\nOlder daughter: I love you, Dad.\nGeorge Zimmerman: I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally.\nMrs. Zimmerman: Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other.\nReporter: [on TV] Is there any hope for stopping the zombie apocalypse? [George Zimmerman turns around to see the news] CNN has just received word that the government has learned the identity of Patient Zero. [the drawing of Token is shown] The nine year old threat to humanity has been tracked down, and measures are being taken to stop him.\nYounger daughter: Daddy, what's a Patient Zero? [a knock is heard at the front door. George Zimmerman turns left and walks to the front door. He opens it and two federal agents face him]\nAgent 1: Hello, Mr. Zimmerman. Your country needs you.\nGeorge Zimmerman: What do you need from me?\nAgent 1: We... [holds up a photo of Token] need you to shoot a young African-American for us.\nGeorge Zimmerman: [turns and walks away] I gave that up.\nAgent 2: You're the best, Zimmerman. We just need you to do it one more time, for the security of the world!\nGeorge Zimmerman: Damnit, I have a wife and kids now.\nAgent 1: Then do it for your family! [Cartman appears on the sidewalk, wearing black face paint and a black sweater] This is about protecting people, Zimmerman! Keeping our streets safe so that our children are free to go out... [his voice trails off as Zimmerman focuses on something else]\nGeorge Zimmerman: Something's wrong. [quickly turns around and sees the stranger] Look out! [grabs the gun from one of the agent and fires it twice. Cartman's arm gets hit by a bullet and he falls to the ground]\nAgent 1: My God, I didn't even see him. [the other agent walks over to the body]\nAgent 2: Nice work, Zimmerman. [George turns and walks over to his family]\nGeorge Zimmerman: Are you guys okay?\nOlder daughter: What was that, Daddy?\nGeorge Zimmerman: More needless violence.\nAgent 1: Nonsense, you did what you had to. You're a hero.\nGeorge Zimmerman: That may be true, but I'll have to live with this the rest of my life. Even though I'll be walking around a free man.\nAgent 2: [notices the paint coming off Cartman's face] Hey, wait a minute. This kid isn't black, he's white.\nGeorge Zimmerman: Wait, what?\nScene Description: A courtroom. This is a speedy trial. The judge announces his decision with two blows of the gavel\nJudge: Guilty!\nScene Description: The electic chair. George Zimmerman is tied down to it and the operator brings the switch down for three seconds, then raises it. He lowers it again for two seconds and raises it. Then he does this three times more for a fraction of a second each, then a final time for half a second.\nScene Description: A news report\nReporter: The zombie apocalypse... is over. All the panic, crashing planes and chaos appear to have, for some reason, died with George Zimmerman. And as for the little boy who was so mercilessly gunned down? [a picture of Cartman smiling appears, his left shoulder in a bandage, his right hand giving a thumbs up] Although he survived the shooting, his wishes are to remain anonymous, giving the hospital only the nickname... \"Brad Pitt.\" ...But cooler.\nScene Description: At one of the boys' homes. Eight of them are sitting around watching the news: Clyde, Kyle, Stan, and Craig on the sofa; Jimmy, Kenny and Butters in front of Clyde, and Token sitting by himself near Craig.\nStan: That sure wasn't much of a zombie apocalypse.\nKyle: Yeah, that sucked.\nButters: Well, at least I'll bet Token's glad it's over with. Aren't you, Token? [Token just stands up, looks at the other guys, and walks out. Butters' smile fades]\nScene Description: On the street, day. Cartman is in the distance, looking at Token. Token notices and faces him\nCartman: Hey Token. ...Sup bro? ...How's it goin' dude? I know how it feels now.\nToken: You made everyone think I'm a fucking Patient Zero!\nCartman: Dude, I'm saying I'm sorry.\nToken: So what?!\nCartman: Uh oh. [brings forth a can of red spray paint and paints a red circle around himself in the middle of the street] Sounds like you're still angry, Token.\nToken: Fuck you!\nCartman: Alright Token, come on! This is ridiculous. I know you totally wanna kick my ass right now. You'd like to walk right up and punch me in the face, but what's that gonna solve? I've got a way better idea. [makes a fist with his right hand and puts it forth] First bump? [Token stays put] Come on dude, fist bump. Bump that shit bro. Be the bigger person. [Token walks up to the red circle, then bends forward and offers his left fist. Then he steps into the circle and Cartman quickly shoots him]\nToken: Oh! [falls on his face]\nCartman: That was, he was on my ground. You all saw that, right? Everything inside the red line is mine. [drags Token's body into the circle] Inside the red line is, that's- that's my ground. He was on it. [smiles when no one answers.]\nScene Description: Cartman's dream, day. He's sailing off in his Brad Pitt costume, with his dream family looking on from shore.\nGerry's Daughters: Daddy!\nGerry: We're safe, girls! Daddy did it!\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. Token is absent. Cartman wakes up screaming... during class. Mr. Garrison crosses his arms again\nCartman: Ugh! Oh man. The ending to that movie was so terrible.\nKyle: You're having nightmares about the ending to World War Z again?\nCartman: Yeah. So bad.\nKyle: That's what bothering you? Not the fact that you're a murderer?\nCartman: Jury found me innocent, Kyle!\nKyle: You're a murderer.\nCartman: You interrupt people when they talk.\nMr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Eric Cartman to the counselor's office please.\nCartman: Oh man! [walks out of the room]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, moments later. Cartman walks in. Token and Cartman immediately notice each other\nCartman: Oh boy.\nMr. Mackey: Have a seat, Eric. Now boys, I for one am sick and tired of this little feud you're having, okay? This has clearly gone too far, and you owe each other an apology or you're gettin' detention!\nToken: An apology?! He shot me!\nMr. Mackey: Well he was technically standing his ground, Token.\nCartman: Yeah Token, that's the law! Everything inside the red line is lava.\nToken: [stands on his chair] Well it's a pretty fucking stupid law!\nCartman: Token, calm down.\nToken: And why does standing your ground not apply to fucking white people?!\nCartman: Oh God, here we go again! [runs out of the office in a panic]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Henrietta's room, night. She's holding a dramatic Edgar Allan Poe reading there with her fellow Goths. On a small table nearby sits three candles, two books, a statue, and a black and white picture of a freak show with a sign on it: HUMAN FREAK EXHIBIT\nHenrietta: So I cast my body into the trails of blood. The knife pierces deep, deep into my lonely eyes. So I can see this black world... no more.\nPete: Whoa... That's pretty hardcore. [taps some ashes off his cigarette into his ashtray, then flips his hair]\nMichael: That's real pain right there. [taps some ashes off his cigarette into his ashtray]\nHenrietta: That's how I feel, when my mother abuses me. I just wanna escape, to she can't hurt me anymore. [Mrs. Biggle knocks three times on Henrietta's door, then opens it]\nMrs. Biggle: [sing song] Henrietta, sweetie.\nHenrietta: [glares at her] Shut up, Mom! Go away!\nMrs. Biggle: Oh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess.\nHenrietta: Stop calling me a princess! I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!\nMrs. Biggle: We'll be waiting in the living room.\nHenrietta: [rolls her eyes] God, she just never stops!\nScene Description: The living room, moments later.\nMrs. Biggle: Oh goodness I am so nervous. [Henrietta enters the living room]\nHenrietta: What?!\nMr. Biggle: Have a seat, Henrietta. [Henrietta sits on the chair]\nMrs. Biggle: Oh, a little family chit-chaaat.\nHenrietta: Shut up, Mom!\nMr. Biggle: Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time.\nHenrietta: Are we really doing this again?!\nMr. Biggle: We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo.\nHenrietta: What?!\nMrs. Biggle: But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not.\nHenrietta: I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff!\nMr. Biggle: Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?\nMrs. Biggle: Like calling Mommy Demon Jizz.\nMr. Biggle: So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp. [her mom brings out a brochure]\nHenrietta: Noo...\nMr. Biggle: A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.\nHenrietta: [stands up, ready to leave the room] I'm not going to any fucking camp!\nMr. Biggle: It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.\nHenrietta: I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gangbanged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!\nMrs. Biggle: Theeeey have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horsehoooes.\nScene Description: The loading dock at the side of the school, day, the goths' usual gathering spot\nPete: And that's all you know? what else did she say?\nMichael: She said that her parents called her an emo and she had to go to this camp for two weeks.\nPete: [flips hair] Oh my God, for two weeks?\nFirkle: Is she at the camp now?\nMichael: I don't know. [scrolls through his text messages] She texted from the bus they put her on, then she said she wasn't even allowed to have her cell phone where she was going. Then all of a sudden her texts went dark.\nPete: [softly] Whoa...\nFirkle: That's fucking creepy man.\nMichael: [gets up and walks a bit] I just can't believe it. I can't believe parents would do that to their child.\nScene Description: Child Protective Services, day. The three remaining Goths go to talk to a worker there\nWorker: Alright now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents.\nMichael: Yes. They called her an emo.\nWorker: What's wrong with that?\nMichael: Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!\nWorker: So, why do you think they called her that?\nMichael: Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!\nWorker: What is the difference?\nPete: Oh my God! They're totally different!\nWorker: Okay, different how?\nPete: They're, achm, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers!\nFirkle: Emos suck my Goth balls.\nMichael: Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.\nWorker: That's not much of a difference.\nPete: That's a huge fucking difference!\nMichael: Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.\nPete: This fuckin' bitch, man.\nMichael: But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide\nPete: Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emo's is cynical.\nMichael: Wait, I thought we were cynical. ...What what whatever, it doesn't matter.\nPete: No, see, you're nihilistic.\nMichael: Oh yeah, you're right.\nScene Description: Troubled Acres Rehab for at-risk teens (with emotional problems... who need structure), day. It's a secluded camp with a large greenhouse in the middle. In a white room is Henrietta, with only a bed and blankets to keep her company. There's an emergency light above the door and a security camera in one upper corner of the room. She kicks and bangs on the door\nHenrietta: Hel-lo?! Somebody let me out of here! You can't treat people like this! [notices the camera and looks at it.] This is fucking ridiculous! What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna go to the fucking cops when I get out of here! [the floor opens up behind her. She turns around to see what's going on, and a plant rises into the room. She looks at the plant, puzzled. It begins to shake like a rattle, then stops]\nScene Description: A South Park Transit bus stop, day. The three goths await Henrietta's return. Firkle holds a sign that reads \"WELCOME BACK BITCH\"\nPete: What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist?\nMichael: She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have? [the bus arrives and they all turn to look at its stop. The rear doors open and they look in. Henrietta appears and they gasp.]\nFirkle: Oh. My. God. [Henrietta steps off, and boy has she changed!]\nHenrietta: Hey guys. [she now wears a green headband, pink highlights in her hair, and additional pink makeup around her eyes. The left eye is made to look as though it's been crying. Her gloves are pink and black and instead of her cross necklace, she wears a necklace where the pendant is shaped like a bat]\nPete: What the hell have they done to you?\nHenrietta: What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me. [walks away. The other three move a bit to get a better look at her leaving]\nMichael: Oh my God it's worse than we thought! They made her emo!\nScene Description: The school gym, day. The kids are tossing basketballs at each other. Kenny tries to climb a rope while a girl looks on. The coach blows his whistle and moves off-screen. As he does so, the Goths are revealed on the bleachers\nMichael: [concerned] Has she said one word to either one of you guys?\nPete: Nothing. It's like she's a totally different person. [flip]\nMichael: She won't even look at us. All she does now is hang out with the douchebag emo kids. [the camera pans right, across the aisle, and shows Henrietta with her new friends, the Emos]\nEmo boy: God, PE class is for such wannabe posers.\nEmo girl: I'd rather kill myself than put on gym shorts.\nHenrietta: I wish there would just be an earthquake, so we could all die.\nPete: Uugh, how could she hang out with them??\nMichael: There must something else going on here.\nScene Description: Henrietta's room. She's listening to music on her iPod dock while drawing a picture titled \"I Am Alone.\" Someone knocks on her door.\nHenrietta: Not now Mom! I'm suicidal!\nMichael: [enters] It's not your mom, it's me.\nHenrietta: Oh, hey. [lowers the volume.]\nMichael: What did they do you? At that camp?\nHenrietta: What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap.\nMichael: Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo.\nHenrietta: That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?\nMichael: Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate? [she sits up and then turns off the iPod] I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing.\nHenrietta: [getting cross, then turns her chair around slowly] You should probably stop digging for answers.\nMichael: What?!\nHenrietta: There's no winning this for you. [gets off her chair and walks towards him] Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time.\nMichael: Nooo waaaaay.\nHenrietta: Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is faaar tooo late.\nMichael: Omigodnowaaaaaaaaay.\nHenrietta: Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth? [sataniccally] Join us!\nMichael: [runs out of the house] No waaay! [runs out of the house and across the street and throws his cane away to the ground] No way no waaaaaay!\nScene Description: A tiny diner, night. Pete is reading a book titled \"The Sinking Girl\" on an armchair\nA ring tone: Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp-\nPete: [answers it] Hello?\nMichael: It's worse than we thought.\nPete: What is? Everything? [flips hair]\nMichael: No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like \"I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world\" and I was like \"No waaay!\" and she was like \"Yeah, soon it will be too late.\" and I was all \"No waaay!\"\nPete: No way.\nMichael: Yeah, so listen: call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home, but I'll be there in ten minutes. [rushes home and closes the front door, then runs up the stairs.]\nScene Description: Michael's house, night. He runs upstairs...\nMom: Michael! Michael! [Michael leans over the rail]\nMichael: Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!\nDad: In the dining room Michael! Let's go! [Michael goes down reluctantly and enters the dining room] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes a seat opposite his dad.] Your mom and I have decided you're going to go away for a little while.\nMichael: What??\nDad: [holds up the same brochure Mrs. Biggle held up two weeks earlier] We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and-\nMichael: What the hell are you talking about?!\nMom: This place gonna fix you, make you normal child! [moments later his dad takes him outside and toward the truck]\nMichael: No! You've gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing!! [Dad throws him into the car] You fucking conformists! [the truck starts up and backs out of the driveway. Michael looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her emo friends, two of whom are new. He gasps. As the truck pulls away he screams through the closed window] They're eviillll!\nScene Description: The Village Inn, night. Pete and Firkle are in a booth drinking coffee and smoking.\nPete: I never thought it would end like this. I never thought that Goths would just be slowly replaced by Emos.\nFirkle: Pete... if they get me... if I get sent to that camp... and I come back Emo... kill me. Promise that you'll kill me.\nPete: [flips hair] I promise.\nWaitress: Hey, you kids need to order somethin' or you need to go! [pours some coffee into Firkle's mug.]\nPete: Not now, lady, we're really depressed.\nWaitress: So what else is new?\nPete: This is different, okay?! Our two friends are being bodysnatched by Emos! [flips hair] There's only one other group who understands Emos like we do. We're gonna have to team up with the Vampires.\nFirkle: Are you crazy?\nPete: [leaves the booth] What choice do we have?!\nFirkle: The Vampires are our sworn enemy. We beat up their leader and burned down their lair. Don't you remember?\nPete: Yeah I remember. And it may be a suicide mission, but we have to walk right in the middle of the Vampires, and ask them for help.\nScene Description: Conference room B, the noon hour. Vamp kids file in and take seats. The hour is set aside for Vamp kids and Twilight fans\nVampire: Okay, let's all be seated please? [the kids quiet down] This is thee noon meeting of the Vamp kids? I am Mike, your lord and dark master, per se.\nVamps: Hail Mike.\nMike: Okay, uhhh, our main order of business is of course the Halloween social. We're still looking for volunteers to make the- [a round of snarls goes up as Pete and Firkle enter the meeting]\nMohawk vamp: It's the Goth kids! [moves aside. The other Vamps turn to look at the Goths and take to hissing and snarling at them. A boy vamp steps forward and spits at Pete as Pete and Firkle head for the podium]\nPete: Ugh. You spit on me, Larry. [Mike steps down so Pete can address the Vamps] Uhh, hey everybody, uuhm, I know we aren't on the greatest terms right now. We realize we called you all queermos, aaand we're sorry we burned down the Hot Topic at the mall.\nFirkle: Sorry.\nPete: But, uhhh, we have a bigger problem here, and it's ALL of our problem.\nMike: You've got a lot of nerve coming here!\nPete: Now, shut up Mike. Listen, okay? There's a camp that kids like us are being sent to, a-and somehow this place is taking kids like us and... turning them Emo. [the Vamps start talking amongst themselves] Yeah. You might not even be able to tell at first. It could have already happened. One of you might already be turned.\nBlack vamp: Okay hold up! Hold up! You mean that one of us might not really be a Vamp kid? [no one says a thing]\nPete: Uhhhhh, right.\nBlack vamp: [steps into the aisle and moves forward] Well whoever you is, you better get yo' ass ready to run, muthafucka, 'cause you're a damn traitor! And I bet you it's this little n*gga right here![stops by a Vamp in a skeleton sweater named \"Vladimir\"]\nScene Description: Henrietta's house, night. She's in her bedroom with a lot of new Emo friends.\nHenrietta: Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?\nEmo girl: I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.\nHenrietta: Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in. [a knock is heard at her door]\nMrs. Biggle: [sing-song] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends.\nHenrietta: Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! [gets sarcastic] I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader ya always wanted! [her mom takes the cookies back and closes the door. She goes to the living room]\nMr. Biggle: Does she still seem better?\nMrs. Biggle: Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me.\nMr. Biggle: Well that's more like it.\nEmo boy 1: You know what we should do? After us Emos take over the Earth? We should um, paint the White House black. And we should have Fall Out Boy at the Super Bowl. [Mike rises from under the window sill. The Emos don't notice]\nEmo boy 2: We're Emos. [the cowlick Vamp which was called \"Larry\" by Pete rises next to Mike] When we rule the Earth we're not gonna have football.\nEmo boy 1: Oh yeah. [outside, three other Vamps hold up the two boys peering inside the window. Pete and Firkle sit on the roof nearby. The Vamps have seen enough and withdraw from the window]\nMike: And you say she just showed up like this?\nPete: You know Henrietta; that thing in there is not Henrietta!\nCowlick vamp: That blonde Emo is Sarah Collins. She was a Vamp kid two weeks ago.\nBlack vamp: You want me to go in there and waste these mothafuckas?! I'll do it!\nPete: We can't just go in there and kick their asses. We have to stop this thing at its source.\nMike: Indeed. If there is some kind of black magic at work creating these monsters, then we will have to use our most powerful Vampiric abilities to stop it.\nCowlick vamp: Do you mean?\nMike: Yes, my child of darkness. We must call upon the powers of the Vamp kids' most sacred entity, per se. Only he can help us in this darkest time. This calls... for a summoning.\nScene Description: The South Park Elementary Library, night. The Goths and Vamps are gathered at a table there, complete with candles\nMike: We call upon the creator of all that is dark! The godfather of Death and Despair! Edgar Allan Poe, your followers in darkness beg for your help! [everyone looks around, but nothing happens] We summon to the world of the living the great Edgar Allan Poe! Knower of all that is misery! Your children need special guidance! Per se.\nPete: This, is your plan?! Try to summon Edgar Allan Poe back from the dead?!\nMike: Edgar Allan Poe was the original Vamp kid.\nPete: No, he was the original Goth, but he'd been dead for 150 years!\nBlack vamp: Ey, look man! All genres of Gothic subcultures are derivatives of Poe's work. Muthafucka!\nPete: Look, we came to you for help, and all you've done since then is waste our time! [a violent thunderclap and lightning immediately follow, and a vortex opens up on the ceiling]\nCowlick vamp: Holy shit look! [Edgar Allan Poe appears and the vortex vanishes]\nPoe: Where am I? What is this place?\nFirkle: It's him! It's Edgar Allan Poe.\nPoe: Why have the living summoned me from my rest? [Mike taps Pete to signal that it's his turn to speak]\nPete: Uhhhhh, okayokay, listen: there's this camp for troubled kids, right? Only they aren't helping kids, they're, they're purposefully turning them into Emos.\nPoe: Emos? ...Ew-oh my God, Emos are such wannabe conformists.\nMike: Yeah, oh yes!\nPete: Right!\nPoe: Children of Darkness, I would help you, but I fear I cannot be seen with a bunch of douchey Vamp kids and their poser-ass plastic fangs.\nPete: Thank you!\nMike: Hey!\nPete: I'm just saying it's nice to know that Edgar Allan Poe agrees with us.\nPoe: Agrees with who? Is that red dye in your hair or did a blood demon take a shit on your head, poser?\nBlack vamp: Ah ah! He got you there, n*gga!\nPete: Okay, look, we're running out of time. You have to help us stop the Emos.\nPoe: Why should I? Just 'cause you summoned me doesn't mean you're the boss of me!\nPete: Uh, yeah, it kind of does.\nPoe: [floats away, mocking] Oh okay, Mom. Let's go fight the Emos, Mom.\nScene Description: Back at Troubled Acres, night. The greenhouse is lit. Inside, Michael is in a chair asleep, tied down to it by thick ropes.\nMichael: What? Where are you ta- No! NO!! [jerks around and wakes up, assessing his situation] What the hell?? ...Oh my God. [he realizes where he is and tries to shake himself loose from the ropes] Get me out of here! Let me go!\nHoward: Shhhhh. [Michael sees him] It's best you don't upset them. [goes to water another plant]\nMichael: What the hell are you doing to people?!\nHoward: Not me. I just work for them. They're not evil, you know? They're just misunderstood. All I do is help the Emos get into their human hosts. They promised me when they take over Earth I can have a cabin on the lake, and all the steak I can eat.\nMichael: Wait a minute. Emos are plants? [the plants begin to rattle in their pots.]\nHoward: Shhh, shhh, it's okay. Not just any plants. They're very unique. Very special. Nobody understands them. Emoclarus americanus. Wonderful species.[] Except for their tendencies of self-mutilation and the need for other species to acknowledge their pain.\nMichael: Oh, it all makes sense now! [A giant emoclarus rattles into view]\nHoward: Oh! I'm sorry. Sorry, Emo King. [holds a conversation with it] Oh no, I wasn't talking to him. I mean, I was, but- Y-yes! Yes, I understand. [walks back to a smaller plant] Right away.[takes the potted plant and walks over to Michael]\nMichael: No. [Howard sets the plant down next to him] What are you doing?! I don't wanna be emo!\nHoward: [walks away, then turns around] You just don't understand. You'll understand them soon.\nMichael: What the...? [the plant begins to rattle]\nHoward: It's quicker if you don't fight it.\nMichael: No, NOOOOOOOOO! [begins to rattle with the plant]\nScene Description: The road, night. The Vamps and Goths are heading to Troubled Acres. Pete is driving\nPete: Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out.\nFirkle: [coughs] Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?\nPoe: You can't tell me what to do! Who elected you the mayor of me?!\nPete: Cut it out, Edgar! It's annoying everybody!\nPoe: God, you guys are so lame! [tosses his cigarette out the window] And if you want my help, you'd better all stop calling me Edgar.\nBlack vamp: Well that's your name, isn't it?\nPoe: That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: NightPain\nBlack vamp, Mike, and Pete: Oh God...\nPoe: What? You guys are posers!\nBlack vamp: Ey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo muthafuckas in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass!\nPoe: If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader.\nMike: Oh, fuck off, NightPain.\nPoe: Make me, poser.\nScene Description: Troubled Acres, night, at the greenhouse. A security camera follows the car as it enters the rehab center. Everyone exits the car. Another camera shows Michael rattling with the emo plant. A third camera catches the group going down one hallway.\nPete: Michael?! You here?\nMike: I feel like we're being watched. [yes they are, by the Security Cam 3000. A fourth camera shows Henrietta's former room. Zooming out reveals an emoclarus looking over a desk with video cameras all around. The king emoclarus looks on. It leans over and seems to whisper to the security emoclarus. In the greenhouse, the group reaches Michael, who has become delirious and is now groaning]\nPete: Dude! Michael, are you okay?\nMichael: Kick it over! Stop the plant! [Mike walks over and kicks the plant away, then gets into a karate stance. Firkle disappears] Oh! Oh, thank God you're here. Emos are plants and they're invading human bodies.\nPete: Alright, we're gonna get you out of here, and then we're gonna burn this whole place down. [a gun is cocked and everyone looks at the source]\nFirkle: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's not the plan.\nHoward: [appears behind him and approaches the group] You did very good. The emo plants are very pleased with your dedication.\nMichael: Firkle! All this time I thought you were Goth! How long have you been Emo? [Firkle takes off his jacket and ... wig.]\nFirkle: Don't you see we can't stop them? We might as well join' em. [The Emo King shows up and starts rattling. Howard turns around and walks toward it]\nHoward: Yes Emo King, right away. [turns around again] The Emo King wants us to proceed at once. [moments later the black Vamp, Mike, and Pete are tied to chairs and plants are placed in front of them]\nPete: Ugh! Let us go, you ultimate conformists!\nHoward: Don't fight it. It's quicker that way. [the plants begin to rattle]\nMike: Oh God! I'm starting to feel Emo.\nPete: Wait a minute. Where the hell is Edgar Allan Poe?\nMike: He said he was over this, and was gonna hang out at the Village Inn.\nPete: What?!\nScene Description: The Village Inn, night. The Ghost of Goth Past sits in the same booth the Goth kids sit in, sipping coffee and smoking\nWaitress: [approaches] Hey, are you gonna order any food, or are you just gonna sit there and drink coffee all day?\nPoe: Leave me alone! I just want coffeh.\nWaitress: [turns around and leaves] Little prick.\nPoe: Bitch.\nPete: [voice only] Poe? Edgar Allan Poe, where are you? [his face appears in Poe's coffee] What the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be helping us!\nPoe: I can't right now. I'm dealing with a lot and I just have a lot of anxiety.\nPete: Look, we [flips hair] summoned you to help us save the world!\nPoe: What's the point? Save some people so some other people can be lame? And then those lame-os can be lamer to some other posers?\nPete: God, he is such a downer! [the plants rattle again]\nHoward: Just let the spores inside you. Stop fighting it.\nMike: Wait. Look!\nPoe: [floating in] Okay, I'm here, posers.\nPete: NightPain! Destroy the plant leader! The leader over there! [Poe descends and lands next to the Emo King]\nPoe: What do you want me to do?\nMike, Michael, and Pete: Shoot it!\nPoe: Really? Shoot a plant?\nMichael: Shoot it! [Poe obliges, but nothing happens to the plant. A piece of its pot might have come off. Poe just shrugs.]\nPoe: Wait a minute. What is this? [walks over and pulls out the plant's tag] This says it was bought at Lowe's Home and Garden for $29.95. [it's a common ficus]\nHoward: Lowe's Home and Garden?\nPete: Hey, these are just plants.\nHoward: No they, they talk to me.\nPoe: No, they're just, like, ficus plants and vibrating pots.\nHoward: But-\nVoice: Looks like it's over, Harold Flannigan. So we have just one question for you: are you scared?!\nHoward: [frozen in fear] What do you mean?\nVoice: ARE YOU SCARED?!\nHoward: YES!!! [Pete flips his hair]\nVoice: That's good! 'Cause you're on... \"Yes, I Was Scared!\" [music plays and the lights come on]\nPete: What?? [the cast and crew of that show come out of the plant work.]\nHost: Look! Look at the camera right there\nHoward: Oh my God, are you serious? [grins.]\nHost: Your wife Sarah put you up to this.\nSarah: [pops in next to Harold] Haha I got you! [giggles some more]\nFirkle: This is a prank?\nBlack vamp: Oh man that's good! They got us good!\nFirkle: I turned traitor for no reason?\nPete: [to Michael] Did you know about this?\nMichael: I have no idea what's going on.\nHost: Howard, did you suspect at all that a gardener job at a camp for troubled teens was a setup?\nHoward: No, they really had me convinced!\nHost: And you didn't suspect anything when we had plants tell you to turn Goths and Vamp kids into Emos when really they're exactly the same thing?\nHoward: I guess I should have figured it out. I'm an idiot. [laughs about it]\nHost: Tune in again next week, when we make a woman from Milwaukee think she's working at a haunted abortion clinic.\nScene Description: Henrietta's room, night. Henrietta's working on a new picture, featuring a gallows noose. A knock is heard at her door, and Pete walks in with Michael\nHenrietta: So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?\nPete: Uhhhh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. [she stops drawing] From Lowe's Home and Garden.\nMichael: It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.\nHenrietta: Nnnnoooo, there's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.\nMichael: No, you just kind of did it on your own.\nHenrietta: Oh my Gawd... [closes her eyes, drops her pen on the table, and pinches her nose at the bridge] This is so... embarrassing.\nPete: Ahh, hang on. What I meant to say was [flips his hair] we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.\nHenrietta: Oh. [sudden relief] Oh! [she begins convulsing, then turns around in her chair] Ihihit's meee-e! I'm, I'm I'm me again! [gets off her chair and walks to the boys] Oh my God I'm... all better. Thanks, you guys.\nMrs. Biggle: [peeks into the room] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.\nHenrietta: Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!\nMrs. Biggle: ...Fatty. [closes the door.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is present, showing the class a new computer system he's had installed at school\nMr. Mackey: Students, I would like to introduce you all to the future. [holds a laptop with an IntelliLink logo on it] M'kay. Starting today, our school will be operating entirely on IntelliLink. [presses a key that brings up the splash screen] Now whenever you need to see the school nurse, or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up using this simple, integrated portal. [presses the space bar] M'kay... [presses it again. Presses is twice more, and the main menu pops up] You can use a computer or any of the IntelliLink panels which are located throughout the school. [one such panel is shown next to the window] Lat's say you're in the cafeteria, m'kay. You start cougin' up blood and need to see the nurse. You just click on \"school clinic\"[presses a button, and the school clinic menu pops up.] Mkay, see nurse. [selects it and a box appears on the right side with fields for teachers, student, note, and some checkboxes.]M'kay. Respiration problems. [presses a button, and \"All Night Long\" plays] Uh, okay, I must have I must have been in the wrong menu, uhkay. As you can see, you can control the sound system as well. Okay. [presses a key, and the song is cut off] It's all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea, m'kay. Let's look at the message board. [press, and gets to the main menu] Mesage... board. [moves the cursor to the message board icon and loads the board] Here you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty, m'kay? For instance, [sees the first thread title that loads] here we go. Here's a message from Kyle's little brother, Ike Broflovski. [loads the message] Okay, little Ike says \"My brother is a homo\"[Cartman cackles and Kyle is startled] Ike made a little drawing of his brother too. [loads the drawing] Drew a nice picture with a... nice bird hangin' off Kyle's forehead, m'kay, that's nice. [Cartman cackles again, and Kyle looks annoyed] It's a nice... crane, a nice whoopin' crane comin' off Kyle's head there.\nCartman: That's not a crane, it's a dick and balls.\nButters: Heheh, yeah. [chuckles to himself. Kyle is now annoyed and embarrassed]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day, kitchen. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle appears and enters\nKyle: Mom, Ike did it again. I don't know what's going on with him, but, it's like he hates me.\nSheila: Oh, Kyle, your little brother is, getting older. He's not a baby anymore.\nKyle: I know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head.\nSheila: It's natural, bubbe. Part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence. You know. Why don't you go and try to talk to him - you can win him over again. [Kyle thinks it over and walks out]\nScene Description: Ike's room, moments later. Kyle opens the door and enters\nKyle: Hey Ike, how's it going?\nIke: [looks over his left shoulder] Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer! [turns back to his computer]\nKyle: I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.\nIke: Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! [looks over his shoulder again] Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!\nKyle: Ike, I just want us to be friends again.\nIke: Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!\nKyle: Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.\nScene Description: Living room, moments later. Kyle and Ike sit on the sofa watching Yo Gabba Gabba. The troupe performs \"Come On And Dance.\" Toodee steps forward to dance a bit\nIke: Dancy Dance is my favorite.\nKyle: It always has been. See? This is nice. [Foofa steps forward]\nIke: Who would you rather fuck? [Kyle is stunned] Foofa or Toodee?\nKyle: What?\nIke: I wanna fuck Foofa. [a closeup of Foofa dancing] I wouldn't wanna fuck Toodee. She's a dike. You can tell. But Foofa, man. [whips out a can of chewing tobacco, opens it, and scoops some tobacco out] I bet she's got some sweet strange. [puts the tobacco in his mouth] I don't even know what the fuck Muno is.\nKyle: Ike, is that chewing tobacco?\nIke: What?! You gonna fuckin' narc and tell Mom?!\nKyle: No, I just don't think it's healthy.\nIke: That's 'cause you don't understand shit! [stands on the sofa] I knew this was a bad idea! [leaves the sofa and walks away] I'm gonna watch Yo Gabba Gabba in my roomsy!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, a few days later. Someone knocks on his door.\nMr. Mackey: Come in, m'kay.\nKyle: [opens the door and peeks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?\nMr. Mackey: Oh-kay, have you set up a counseling appointment on IntelliLink?\nKyle: [goes all the way in] No.\nMr. Mackey: Ookay, that's fine, that's fine. We can use IntelliLink to see what's available. Let's see, counseling request. Students. Make appointment. [presses a key and his window blind goes down, and Kyle notices] Okay, ah whoops. Okay, uh sume, uh students make appoint-alala here we go. Make, make appointment. [presses a key and the lights go out. He looks around] Uhkay, here we go. Uhkay, what do you need counseling with?\nKyle: It's my little brother. He's really changing and I feel like-\nMr. Mackey: Okay, I'll click on family issues. What time did you want counseling?\nKyle: Right now.\nMr. Mackey: Oo-kay, aaand, what is your brother's Intelligrated smart name?\nKyle: I don't know.\nMr. Mackey: Alright, I can do a lookup for the name. Uh go back. Main menu. [\"The Heat Is On\" begins to play, and Mr. Mackey has lost control] Oh... Damnit. Okay now, back. [mumbles to himself as he tries to set things right] Set- no, set appointment. Okay, speakers off. [his blind rises] Okay, uh... Okay, what is your smart name, Kyle?\nKyle: What?\nMr. Mackey: Sorry, Kyle, we're gonna need to maybe go somewhere else. Uh... find an IntelliLink panel somewhere.\nScene Description: The boys' restroom. Mr. Mackey is on the toilet with an IntelliLink panel to his left, on the wall\nMr. Mackey: Okay, let's see, lights. [presses the light icon and some other icons pop up] Mood. [presses the mood icon and a timer pops up] Start counseling timer. [sets it for 15 minutes and starts it] Okay there we go. Okay, we got it. [smiles] Okay now, Kyle, you had some concerns about your little brother?\nKyle: [takes a moment to gather them] He's just... changing a lot. He walks around angry, telling me I'm stupid and, and all he talks about is sex.\nMr. Mackey: Well it sounds like he's hittin' puberty.\nKyle: Yeah, he just seems so young.\nMr. Mackey: Well, your brother is Canadian. Perhaps Canadian puberty is a little different. Why don't you educate yourself about Canadian puberty and it could be somethin' yeeyou and your brother can actually do together. M'kay? [plop] You know, this is the first time I've been able to do counseling aaand go to the bathroom at the same time. IntelliLink is amazing.\nScene Description: A live program. The Canadian Board of Health Presents, \"What Are These Changes?\" A Guide To Puberty In Canada\nMinister: Hello young people, and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life. You have braved the trials of childhood, and now you are reaching Canadian puberty. By now, you've probably noticed some changes in your body. For instance, when you fart your dick gets hard. [a long pause] Other physical changes are happening to your body as well. If you're a boy you may notice that your testicles ache, or if you're a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange.\nIke: This is stupid, bro! I already know all this!\nKyle: Let's just give it a chance, Ike.\nMinister: Going through Canadian puberty, you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well. You're saying things like \"hey boddy\" and \"hey guy\" because now that you're older you're discovering that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy, and someone who you used to call \"guy\" is quickly becoming your friend. [A shot of Kyle and Ike looking at each other] But now let's discuss how a man and a woman make love. [an animated stick-figure cartoon follows] First, a man and a woman fall in love. Then the man farts on the woman's strange, [That is shown, with audio] filling the woman's strange with air so that the woman can queef on the man's face. [shown, with audio] And, a baby is born. [pop] The entire process can take up to six months a- [turns to his right to listen...] It's what? ... That's not how a baby is born? ... What's semen? ... Well then, why did my wife queef on my face? ... She said it was to- ... [gets mad] Well then why would sh-?! ... I'm gonna get to the bottom of this! [pounds on the desk and leaves]\nScene Description: The street, near his residence, day. The host marches home\nMinister: Make me look like an idiot, will you?!\nScene Description: At home. The double doors open and the host comes in. His wife is sitting on the sofa sipping tea\nMinister: Ey! You told me you queefed on my face because because that's how babies are born!\nWife: I was being sarcastic.\nMinister: Being sarcastic?! I just told a million Canadian teenages that's how it's done!\nWife: I was angry because you never listen to me. Because I wanted you to go with me to therapy and you never go.\nMinister: Fine! You want me to go with you to therapy?! Fine!\nScene Description: The host goes to a therapy session with his wife.\nMinister: Totally embarrassing and degrading! She queefed right in my face!\nTherapist: Well, maybe you should spend less time at work making public health films and more time at home.\nKyle: What the fuck is going on?!\nIke: [hops off the sofa...] You're fucking stupid, Kyle! [...and walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Room 7. The class is in the dark listening to \"All Night Long\" again. Mr. Garrison his his fingers in his ears to block out the song\nKyle: I don't know what else to do, dude. No matter what I try, me and Ike just seem to drift further apart!\nStan: He doesn't ever want to play with you anymore?\nKyle: He doesn't even let me near him!\nCartman: That sucks, dude.\nKyle: What??\nCartman: I said THAT SUCKS, DUDE.\nKyle: Oh, thanks! [Mr. Mackey is at the IntelliLink panel trying to set things right. The music stops and he stands up]\nMr. Mackey: Okay, there we go. That's cut the speakers off. Now what was it you were trying to do, Kyle?\nKyle: I was trying to make an appointment to see the principal about getting excused on Friday. So I can take my brother to go see Yo Gabba Gabba Live.\nMr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, can he just go talk to the principal?\nMr. Mackey: No, this is gonna work! I called IntelliLink and they said they were sending over an engineer. [someone knocks on the door.]\nCody: [looks in] Is this Classroom 7?\nMr. Mackey: Yes!\nCody: My name's Cody. I'm your smartnician. You're havin' some intelliproblems with your astutelinks?\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, a student is trying to make an appointment to see the principal. M'kay?\nCody: [taps the screen a few times] Uh huh, well here's the problem: your amsrtnames aren't intelligrated. [shows him the error screen]\nMr. Mackey: Oh I see.\nCody: If you wanna have those intelligrated with EasyLink, you might wanna upgrade your system to the silver package.\nMr. Mackey: Uh, I I needed the silver package? Okay okay? Can we do that?\nCody: Let my call my supervisor on the intelliphone. [calls in]\nScene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing with his toy trucks - a fire engine and a dump truck. He crashes them into each other. Kyle knocks on the door and then enters\nKyle: Hey Ike.\nIke: Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!\nKyle: Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live.\nIke: You promised!\nKyle: I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.\nIke: Well what am I supposed to do?! See it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!\nKyle: Ike, I do! I just-\nIke: You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! [Kyle just looks at him, Ike takes off his shirt] Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center in Denver, day. Yo Gabba Gabba Live is starting. Next, a live performance of \"Don't Bite People\"\nPlex: Hey Muno, what should we do now?\nMuno: Let's play Cool Cool Trick.\nPlex: Aaaall right! Who out in the audience has a cool cool trick to show us? [a line of kids is already in place. A boy steps forward] What's your name, little boy?\nRyan: My name is Ryan!\nPlex: And what is your cool cool trick, Ryan?\nRyan: My cool cool trick is that I can jump in the air. [the kids in the audience cheer. Kyle notices that Ike has left his seat] Let's see you... jump in the air! [Ryan jumps, and the troupe cheers him on. Ike cuts in line and steps forward]\nPlex: And what's your name, little boy?\nIke: Ike Broflovski.\nPlex: Do you have a cool trick?\nIke: Yeah, for my cool cool trick I'm gonna tame Foofa's strange.\nPlex: Tame mo what?\nIke: I can tame Foofa's strange, bro.\nPlex: Uhhh, alright. Let's see our friend Ike tame Foofa's strange! [Ike walks up to Foofa]\nKyle: [running towards the stage] Ike no! Stop!\nPlex: Oh, I see. You're actually- [shakes his head] Wait! Oh my God, what are you doing?! No no no! [parents in the audience quickly cover their kids' eyes] What are you doing to Foofa?! No!\nScene Description: The green room, after the show. Kyle and Ike sit on a sofa flanked by two officers\nPlex: Now you listen here, little boy! It is never okay to take off your clothes and grind on another person!\nToodee: No, that's wrong!\nPlex: Don't do it.\nBrobee: Uh uh.\nKyle: We're so sorry. Please forgive my little brother. He's going through puberty.\nMuno: A little young for that, isn't he?\nKyle: That's what I thought.\nIke: This is stupid, bro. [takes out some chewing tobacco] Foofa shouldn't be limiting herself to little kids. She's fuckin' fine, dude. [puts it in his mouth]\nPlex: What you did was very traumatic for Foofa. Isn't that right, Foofa? [Foofa is frowning, but stays silent] Foofa?\nFoofa: He's right, Plex. We're getting older. I don't wanna do the little kid thing the rest of my life.\nBrobee: Foofa, what are you talking about?\nFoofa: It's time for us to start playing to older people. Maybe we need to be edgier. Have a little sex appeal.\nToodee: Foofa, no!\nFoofa: I'm an artist. And if all I ever do is play to kids, then I'll be a joke. [turns around and walks towards the door] I have to move on. [walks out of the room]\nPlex: Oh God. What has this little boy done??\nScene Description: A Canadian pub. The minister of health is sitting with an older man at table\nMinister: I try not to think about it, Rick. I try to just forget aboot it and then move on, but I can't. I mean... she queefed right in my face!\nRick: Have you and your wife seen a therapist together?\nMinister: Yes, we went but... I just can't erase the memory of my helpless face being queefed on like that. Who's to say she won't do it again?\nRick: Don't you think this has something to do with your new job?\nMinister: What do you mean?\nRick: There's more to this, Terry. A lady never queefs in her lord's face without some major cause. You started as the Canadian Minister of Health and three months later your wife queefed in your face. There's a connection.\nTerry: I took the job to try and make Canada's health care system better. What could that have to do with my wife?\nRick: Terry, I'm your friend. And I'm not just your friend, I'm also your boddy\nTerry: Thanks, guy.\nRick: [points a finger at him] And I'm telling you there's more to this than you think! [crosses his arms] And if you want to save your marriage, and your face, you need to figure it out quick.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Faculty Lounge, day. Principal Victoria has called a staff meeting, with Mr. Mackey as the man in the hot seat\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, so far the school has spent [reads the bill] $22,000 on the IntelliLink system, and so far it's been an unmitigated disaster.\nMr. Mackey: Well yeah, but see, the problem is not everyone is not everyone is signed on to it yet.\nMr. Adler: They can't sign on to it because every time they try they make the sprinklers go off!\nMr. Mackey: I know that IntelliLink has had some... hiccups... uhkay. But I've hired a new faculty member whose sole responsibility will be to oversee the IntelliLink system and make sure it runs smoothly. I want you all to meet Pat Conners. [she enters and takes a seat next to Mr. Mackey]\nPat: Hello everyone.\nMr. Mackey: [immediately points a finger at her] Don't \"Hello\" us, Pat! This system that you're responsible for now isn't working out! So [pounds his fist on the table] what the hell are you gonna do about it?!\nPat: Oh. Well, I'm just sort of getting acclimated to the situation and I-\nMr. Mackey: Getting acclimated?! [stands up in anger] Do you know how much money we wated on that thing?! How about you take some damned responsibility! Get the hell out of here, Pat! You're fired! Get out! [Pat takes her briefcase and walks out] Well. How the hell are we gonna clean up Pat's mess? I guess, I dunno, I guess we got no choice, m'kay. We're just gonna need to the upgrade to the IntelliLink Gold Package. [opens his laptop to show the splash screen]\nPrincipal Victoria: Oh noo!\nMr. Mackey: No, see, it's a $10,000 upgrade, but it should clean up all of Pat's mistakes.\nCoach: Mr. Mackey, let's be clear. IntelliLink was your idea. You should admit it was a bad one and stop being so defensive.\nMr. Mackey: Well ih it's good to be a little defensive around you, Miles, m'kay. Let's, let's not forget that your wife died of an \"accident\" while you were \"drinking\" on a \"hike,\" \"N'kay!\"\nMiles: Hey now listen here-!\nMr. Mackey: No! Now you listen to me! [pounds his fist on the table] IntelliLink is a great idea, and we just need the Goddamned Gold Package! We are doublin' down!\nScene Description: E! News segment\nAnchor: [voice only] You're watching E! Entertainment News. God knows why. [video added] She's all grown up and she wants you to know it. From kids show star to sex symbol, Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa is ready to rock! [a montage of Foofa magazine covers and poses] She's been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot, and now, Foofa has announced a raunchy performance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Foofa's new manager claims the MTV performance will be one for the record books.\nIke: [At a bar via satellite, drinking, smoking AND chewing tobacco.] Foofa's got that nice shaved strange that you just wanna get in and tame the second you see it.\nAnchor: The video awards are at 8 pm tomorrow.\nScene Description: The Broflovski living room, evening. Ike and Foofa are watching E! from the sofa.\nFoofa: Oh this is so exciting!\nIke: Told you it'd go over well.\nKyle: [walks in from the kitchen and stares at both of them, then firmly says] Excuse me, but Ike has homework he's supposed to be doing.\nIke: Shut up, Kyle! Just ignore my little brother.\nKyle: I'm your big brother, Ike! [the doorbell rings]\nIke: Answer the door, twerp! [Kyle is angry, but there's not much he can do, so he answers the door. He sees Plex]\nPlex: Can I talk to you?\nKyle: I'm sorry, but right now I'm feeling-\nPlex: Foofa! [runs in, followed by the other Gabbers]\nBrobee: Thank you, dude.\nMuno: Oh thank God.\nToodee: Heey.\nKyle: Hey!\nPlex: Foofa, what is this about you going on the MTV Video Awards?\nFoofa: I'm done being a kiddie star!\nPlex: Foofa, you don't have to show your strange to get attention.\nIke: You just don't get it 'cause you're a robot, Plex.\nPlex: Alright, you won't listen to us, but maybe you'll listen to our special guest, Sinéad O'Connor! [the rest of thte troupe welcome her as she walks up to them]\nSinéad: Don't do it, Foofa, Don't sell out your strange to those corporate bastards.\nIke: Awww, screw off, Sinéad O'Connor. No one gives a crap about you.\nPlex: Don't show your strange on TV.\nTroupe: Don't show your strange.\nPlex: Your strange is for your husband, not for all the world to see.\nTroupe: Don't show your strange on TV\nSinéad: I'm looking for a boyfriend. Looking for a boyfriend.\nKyle: Will you get out of my living room, please?! [the phone rings and he answers it] Hello?!\nTerry: [calling in from Canada] ...Have you ever had someone you love queef in your face? [serves himself some Canadian port]\nKyle: What?\nTerry: I'm sorry, I'm calling everyone in the Canadian health care system to find out if they're pleased with their health care. Is this [checks his monitor] Ike Broflovski?\nKyle: No, this is his brother.\nTerry: Your brother receives his medication from us, so we just wanna be sure he's satisfied with the service.\nKyle: Satisfied with- [thinks a bit] Wait a minute. What medication?!\nScene Description: Canadian Health Department, day.\nTerry: Before this meeting continues, I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefie sores.\nKyle: [confused] Ah I'm sorry, but I don't really care. I just want to know what medication my little has been getting from you, and why?!\nTerry: People all over the world get their medication from Canada.\nKyle: Yeah, but something is wrong with my brother and it might be your fault!\nTerry: That's impossible! The Canadian health care system is completely integrated and streamlined with IntelliLink. [this alarms Kyle]\nKyle: You use IntelliLink?? Oh my God! Will you check his records please?\nTerry: Sure, no problem. [gets to work] Now, what is your brother's Canadian Medicare's smartname?\nKyle: I dunno! [thinks a bit] Try \"strangetamer.\"\nTerry: \"strangetamer\" [the lights go out, a window shade comes down] Uh, yeP, there it is. [presses a key and the lights come on] Ahh yes, here we go. I see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last May. [check again] Ah, yes, I'm afraid IntelliLink mixed that up and your brother has been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast.\nKyle: Are you saying that Ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an IntelliLink screwup?!\nTerry: Yes, that's right.\nKyle: That system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc!\nTerry: It's fine! [pounds the table with his fists] It works fine! Just give it some time! [stands up] God, you sound like my wife! [turns left and walks away from the chair.] My... my wife.\nRick: [sitting in an armchair nearby] That must be it. Don't you see, Terry? That health care integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wife's been puttin' up with it.\nTerry: [thinking out loud, in a stammer] And... that's why she queefed in my face.\nKyle: Ex-cuse me?! If my little brother has been getting some athlete's hormones, then who has been getting Ike's medication?!\nScene Description: A Patriots vs. Broncos game, day\nAnnouncer: Tom Brady looking sluggish again today. Not sure what his problem has been lately.\nTom Brady: Blue 28! ... Blue 28!\nCommentator: Yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past, Tom.\nTom Brady: [his pants begin filling with poop] Huthuuuut [more poop comes out. The more he says it, the more his pants fill with poop] Hike!\nAnnouncer: Brady steps back to pass. [Brady makes sure not to trip over his poop] He's got an open man at the 40 yard line! [Tom throws the ball, but it goes straight to the ground]\nCommentator: And whatever is wrong with Tom Brady just seems to be getting worse. [Exhausted, Brady just sits on top of his poop and then sinks into it] Go Broncos.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The sprinklers haved turned on and drenched everything. \"The Heat Is On\" plays on the PA system. Mr. Mackey sits on the floor in the same position Brady was in. The emergency lights flash on and off, and the kids are still eating lunch, despite being drenched. Suddenly, the music, lights, and sprinklers stop\nCody: Okay, there we go. [Mr. Mackey lifts his head up, disgusted] Your students can buy school lunches now, but they won't be able to get grades.\nMr. Mackey: No, they have to be able to get grades!\nCody: Well, what you prbably wanna do is upgrade to IntelliLink Platinum.\nMr. Mackey: No! There's no more upgrades, m;kay?! I just want this [points to a panel] to work!\nCody: ...What exactly do you mean by \"work\"?\nMr. Mackey: I just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school norse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion!\nCody: Oh, you want the Centurion package. That's where we take all the IntelliLink panels and we rip them off the walls and we burn them. Then we wipe all the computers of IntelliLink software and you never deal with us again.\nMr. Mackey: [walks away and thinks it over] Alright, upgrade me to the Centurion package.\nCody: Right away. [goes to Room 7 to rip off the panel from the wall as Mr. Garrison watches from his desk, goes to the bathroom and rips the panels off the walls, goes to the various school offices and tears the panels off there, makes a bonfire in a steel drum out on the playground, and dumps all the IntelliLink hardware into it. He returns to the cafeteria and joins Mr. Mackey again, offering him a clipboard] Well alright sir, here's a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling, [Mr. Garrison takes the clipboard] and I wanna thank you for choosing IntelliLink. [reaches into his back pocket, takes out a gun, and blows his brains out. He falls down, dead. All the students as well as Mackey are stunned]\nScene Description: The MTV VMAs, night\nAnnouncer: The MTV Video Music Awards will be back with a performance from Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa singing, \"Pound My Sweet Strange.\"\nScene Description: backstage, Foofa and Ike wait for her cue\nStage hand: Two minutes, Foofa.\nFoofa: Thanks. Oh my, here we go! [Kyle appears at the far end of the room]\nKyle: Ike! [runs up to him] Wait! [the rest of Yo Gabba Gabba show up]\nIke: Get out of here, dude!\nKyle: Ike, there's been a mistake. You don't understand.\nIke: No, you don't understand, wuss! Why can't you just let me grow up?! Why do you keep harassing me?!\nKyle: Because you're my little brother, Godddamnit! [Ike is awed at this] And even when I'm fifty and you're forty-five, you're still gonna be my little brother!\nHost: All right, y'all, here comes our next big act!\nKyle: Ike, I don't care if you wanna grow up, I just wanna be by your side while you do it.\nHost: Give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth, it's Foofa!\nFoofa: Come on, Ike. Ike?\nIke: He's right, Foofa. Part of growing up is rebelling, but I'm gonna get older whether I like it or not. So why push it? I think I'm just gonna let it happen naturally. [walks to Kyle and the troupe]\nYo Gabba Gabba: Yaaaaay.\nBrobee: Foofa? [Foofa looks at the curtains, then at the group, then takes off her towel to reveal her domiatrix outfit, with two arrows pointing towards her strange, and walks out onto the stage]\nFoofa: Come on, come on, and pound my strange. Pound it like this, [Yo Gabba Gabba reacts. Brobee covers his eyes] pound it like that.\nScene Description: Terry's mansion, day. He comes home, enters, and walks up to his wife\nTerry: It was a mistake.\nWife: What?\nTerry: Trying to reform Canada's health care system and being too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working. And even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.\nWife: Oh Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.\nTerry: I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integreated health care system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face. Thank you, my lady.\nWife: So IntelliLink is gone, my lord?\nTerry: Yes, I've upgraded to the Gold package. Within no time, Canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications, and going back to normal.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, just before dawn. Kyle is asleep, but is awakened by chortles of laughter from downstairs. He gets up and goes to see what's happening\nKyle: Ike?\nIke: [back to his normal voice] Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!\nDora: Come on, let's climb the mountain.\nKyle: It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?\nIke: Yaaay! [Kyle is pretty happy too, and joins him on the sofa]\nDora: We made it all the way to the top.\nIke: Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Puerto Rican strange. [Kyle's smile vanishes]\nKyle: Yeah, I bet she does.\nIke: Yaaaay!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Lunchtime at the South Park Elementary Cafeteria.\nCartman: [walks in] Hey, everyone? Excuse me! [the other kids start to turn towards him] Everybody, can I just have a second of your time, please? Everyone, listen up. [finally has everyone's attention] Listen everybody, I uh... I owe Kyle a big apology and I... I wanna do it in fromt of everyone because... ugh... I was wrong, Kyle.\nKyle: About what?!\nCartman: I'm afraid that... Kyle and I got into a little disagreement yesterday. Yeah, yeah it's... pretty nasty. And um, I was totally wrong and you were right, Kyle. I thought only humans could be gingers. Is Davin here? Davin Miller? [a ginger boy with dark red hair leans to his left for a better view] Oh yeah, there you are. I own an apology to you too, Davin. When Kyle said that humans weren't the only species that can have light skin and freckles I totally laughed in his face. But it turns out Kyle was right: there are other animals that can be ginger as well I didn't believe it. I guess I didn't want to believe it, but this morning I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow and I owe you, Kyle, and you, Davin, my sincerest apology.\nCraig: Where did you find a red-haired cow?\nCartman: [crosses his right arm over his chest and points to the doors behind his left shoulder] Oh would you- Would you guys like to see it?\nScene Description: a pasture, nearby. The class walks towards a pasture near the school. Cartman climbs to the top of the fence. Stan and Clyde pop their heads into the pasture for a better look. Kevin, and Kenny join Cartman on the second rung. The other kids stand behind the first rung.\nCartman: There! There it is right there, see? A red-headed cow. [The camera turns right and stops at a cow with a Jewfro, glasses, a freckled face, and huge red polka dots on her body. Cartman laughs at his cleverness]\nButters: Whoa, look at it!\nCartman: [giggling to himself] You were right, Kyle. A ginger cow. I shall never question your keen intellect again!\nCraig: [takes out his phone and starts taking pictures] Wow, that's pretty trippy.\nCartman: Yes! Yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it! [Butters and Kevin take their phones out...] I'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature! [Jimmy takes out his phone...]\nKyle: Alright, Cartman, joke's over. [Kenny takes out his phone]\nCartman: What? What joke? This is real!\nKyle: Tell everyone you made the cow look like that!\nCartman: No, [drops down to the ground] no, you were right, Kyle. I was wrong.\nButters: Boy Eric, I sure do admire your courage to admit when you made a mistake.\nCartman: Thank you, Butters! [laughs to himself]\nCraig: I gotta show this to my mom! [leaves, and the other kids disperse]\nButters: Let's go get the kindergartners. Uh they're gonna wanna see this too! [leaves. Only Kyle remains with Cartman]\nCartman: Yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys. It's really amazing. Heheh, too good, too too good.\nKyle: Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences.\nCartman: Yes, you're right, Kyle. I'm sure that that... is going to have earth-shattering consequences. Heheheheh. [walks away]\nScene Description: A montage of three news reports. The first one is from Al Aziz Network, where one of the news team members browses the Web for news. He's reading reports in various languages - Korean, then French. The French report gets his attention, \"اه! این چیه؟\" (Eh! What is this?) he calls some colleagues over and says \".اینجا رو نگاه کن! اوه، اینجا رو نگاه کن! می‌گه یه گاو ماده‌ی قرمز دیده شده\" (Take a look! Hey, take a look! Says a red heifer was found.) His colleague asks him \"کجا این گاو قرمز ماده دیده شده؟\" (Where was this red heifer found?) He replies with \"این یعنی چی؟\" (What does this mean?) when his colleague says \"!زود باش! زود باش! ما اینو باید همین الان خبر بدیم\" (Quick, quick! We gotta go public with this right away.) The scene changes to a broadcast with a voice-over \".هم‌اکنون اخبار را برای گزارش مخصوصی موقتا قطع می‌کنیم\" (We interrupt this broadcast for a special report.) with a text on the screen which reads \"اخبار دنیای ایرانی\" meaning Persian World News with an Iranian news anchor reporting an irrelevant story \".مجلس مالزی منحل شد. مجلس این کشور را منحل اعلام کرد تا زمینه را برای انتخابات آماده سازد\" (Malaysian parliament dissolved. The Parliament announced the dissolution of the country to set the stage for early elections.) He then reaches for a pistol under his desk and blows his brains out. Next are two Swahili reports covering the same report. The female reporter uses a pistol blows her brains out first, then the male reporter. The last scene has a Japanese reporter covering the report, but he has a dagger ready for seppuku. As he reports, he performs the seppuku, dying just as he ends the report. A colleague comes up and chops his head off with a katana, then uses a pistol to blow his own brains out.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Room 7. The kids are in their seats, and the PA system comes on.\nMr. Mackey: Your attention, please. Will Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office?\nKyle: Huh?\nMr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the principal's office. Please. Umkay?\nButters: Hohoh! What'd you do, Kyle?\nKyle: Nothing. [hops off his chair to leave the classroom]\nButters: Busted!\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Kyle enters and closes the door, but notices three rabbis to his left.\nMr. Mackey: Ah, thanks for comin', Kyle.\nKyle: Wuwhat's going on?\nPrincipal Victoria: Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator.\nKyle: [glances at the rabbis again] I don't speak Hebrew.\nMr. Mackey: Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important. [to the rabbis, in bad English] This.. boy... uhkay... is Jew. Uhkay? Jew... like you. Uhkay? Please... uh, please try... speak... to Jew.[Kyle looks at the rabbis]\nRabbi 1: [sighs] We're just trying to tell them that we come on very urgent business. [Kyle looks back at Mr. Mackey]\nMr. Mackey: Anything?\nKyle: He said they come on urgent business.\nPrincipal Victoria: Ohh, what does he need?\nRabbi 2: Look, we believe that this school has something which is of the utmost importance to our people! We wish to see the red cow!\nKyle: The red- Oh come on, you can't possibly be here for that!\nPrincipal Victoria: For what? What did he say, Kyle?\nRabbi 1: Please, you must understand! The fate of the world is at stake! [walks to his right and walks over to the window] The coming of a red heifer is the nost holy sign in all of Judaism. It signals the beginning of the End. It is not just our religion, but Islam and Christianity as well. They all agree on one thing. [turns around] That the red heifer means the End of Times.\nMr. Mackey: You catch any of that, Kyle? [Kyle looks at Mr. Mackey in disbelief]\nScene Description: The pasture, moments later. Kyle leads the rabbis, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey to the cow.\nKyle: It's right over here by uh-\nRabbi 2: Oh my holy shmear! [a group of Muslims is already bowing down to the cow. One of them notices him and tells him to get out. (!برو بیرون)]\nRabbi 2: The Muslims! They beat us here! [hops the fence and charges at them. The other two follow suit.]\nMr. Mackey: [frantic] What's goin' on, Kyle??\nKyle: He said the Muslims beat them here- [to himself] God damn it!\nRabbi 2: [arrives next to the cow] Step away! You all know what this means!\nCleric 1: Yes! And you know you are about to die!\nKyle: Hold on everybody. This thing isn't even a-\nRabbi 1: Don't touch it! [they all surround the cow, keeping Kyle and each other away from it]\nScene Description: Some hours later, the police have arrived and cordoned off the cow, and put up barriers further out to keep everyone away from it. The growing crowd begins to clamor\nCartman: [to a reporter] Well I just ran to the school and told everyone, \"Hey, there's a redheaded cow outside; you should all see it.\"\nKyle: [trying to reach Cartman, but trapped by the crowd] Cartman, stop! You don't know what you're doing!\nCartman: I'm pretty sure that this cow could make ginger cheese, which is like a Swiss cheese, except instead of holes, it has freckles. [chuckles loudly]\nKyle: NOOOO!\nRabbi 4: [arrives with a sheet of paper, and Rabbi 2 looks at it] The Muslims and the Christians are calling for a meeting to discuss the terms of war.\nRabbi 2: Very well, let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends.\nScene Description: The Airport Hilton, day.\nRabbi 1: Alright, so far we agree there'll be no automatic rifles, no shanks, and no chemical weapons.\nCleric 2: If there can be no chemical weapons, then the Christians can use no nuclear weapons. [clamoring follows]\nBishop: Come on, without nuclear weapons, what kind of final Armageddon is this gonna be?! [clamoring follows]\nRabbi 3: But couldn't we agree on non-ballistic nuclear weapons only?\nBishop: Yeah, I suppose that's fine.\nCleric 2: That makes sense.\nRabbi 1: Non-ballistic nuclear only. Alright. Now on to prisoners. Are we all agreeing to decapitations?\nIsraeli: Of course we are! What do you think this is?!\nOthers: Yeah, come on! Just get to it!\nCleric 3: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Has anyone noticed something? We are all in a room together. Talking. [walks to the front of the crowd] Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy, which amazingly is in all three religions, could actually be meant to bring us together?\nBishop: [walks up to him] The prophecy says the red heifer signals the End. [joins him] Could it mean the end of... war?\nRabbi 1: If the cow is sacrificed in Israel according to the prophecy, then perhaps it could bring about peace.\nScene Description: Jerusalem, day. a wonderful view of the city. A helicopter comes into view with the ginger cow dangling from it. It arrives at the Temple and hovers over it. A few second later, the sling holding the cow is released and the cow falls onto the roof of the temple, dying on impact. The crows looks at the helicopter leave and then cheers\nScene Description: Anderson Cooper 360 news segment\nAnderson Cooper: After all the years of holy wars and hatred, a possibility for peace... in the Middle East. In the past 48 hours, Jews, Muslims, and Christians have met in Israel to sort out their differences. It may be a rocky road, but many say the chance for peace is real. And all because of a red cow, discovered by a young boy here in the U.S. [the doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it]We'll be back with more on these amazing developments after this. [Kyle opens the door and sees that it's Cartman]\nCartman: Hey Kyle. Y-you got a minute?\nKyle: Yeah. [Cartman enters and Kyle closes the door]\nCartman: I've gotta tell you something, Kyle. The red-headed cow... isn't real. I made him up.\nKyle: No shit!\nCartman: I totally lied, Kyle. And when you asked me if I had lied, I looked you right in the eye and said \"No.\" I owe you an apology and, I mean it.\nKyle: Well it-... it's okay. there's no denying it all worked out for the best this time a-.\nCartman: [shakes his head] No! No, Kyle, you said that it's never for the best. Remember that? And you're right. You're right, Kyle!\nKyle: Oh no. Nohoho no. Cartman, don't you do this! The Middle East is finally at peace!\nCartman: But it's not true. Kyle, I'm being serious. I really think I have to tell the truth! I I don't know how I can live with this. I don't think I can unless eh, unless I don't know mm-maybe you c-called your mom a fat skank? [no reply] Maybe if you'd said that to your mom and... told her that her tits belonged in a morgue, then, maybe somehow I could live with this lie.\nKyle: Dude, go to Hell!\nCartman: You're right. You're right, Kyle. I should just tell the truth and be done with it! [picks up the house phone and starts punching]\nKyle: Wwwait. [Cartman stops]\nScene Description: The kitchen, moments later. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle and Cartman enter\nKyle: Mom?\nSheila: Hi bubbe.\nKyle: Mom, there's sssomething I need to tttell you.\nSheila: What is it, Kyle?\nKyle: [looks down and to his right] You're a fat skank, Mom. [shuts his eyes. Sheila is shocked]\nCartman: [gasps loudly] Kyle! Oh my gosh, what did you just say??\nKyle: You're a fat skank, Mom, and your tits belong in a morgue. [turns and walks out. Cartman's jaw drops.]\nCartman: Ohh my God! [whips out his camera phone and feigns concern] Ms. Broflovski, are you okay? Does he always talk to you like that?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman walks down the hallway, with Kyle trailing him, carrying his backpack and books\nCartman: [reaching his locker] Yeah, come on over here. I got some more stuff in my locker, Kyle. [opens his locker and puts a book on top of the stack. Stan, at his neighboring locker, notices]\nStan: How come you're carrying Cartman's stuff?\nKyle: I just... thought it'd be nice.\nCartman: [puts another book on the stack] Kyle is doing all kinds of things for me. He finished my homework, [puts a third book on the stack] gave me the soda from his lunch. [removes the second and third books he just placed on the stack] I think he's just really stoked on me for helping bring peace to the Middle East. [places the third book back on the stack] Right, Kyle? [puts the second book back in the locker]\nKyle: Yes sir.\nCartman: Oh, looks like most everyone's here. Um, wasn't there something you wanted to say, Kyle? Remember about the...?\nKyle: Yes. [sets Cartman's books and backpack on the floor, then walks to the middle of the hallway] I love Cartman's farts.\nCartman: You what??\nKyle: Yummy yummy yummy I want Cartman's farts in my tummy.\nCraig: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?\nKyle: Yummy yummy yummy can I please Cartman's farts in my tummy?\nCartman: [walks up to him] Okay okay Jesus, uh, lay down on your back, Kyle. [Kyle does so, and Cartman backs up onto Kyle's face] Let's see what I can muster up here.\nKyle: Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy.\nCartman: Let's see. Oh! Oh! [farts, then gets off Kyle]\nKyle: [stands up] Yummy yummy thank you Cartman. [turns around and walks away. Cartman smiles. Stan and Kenny can't believe it]\nStan: [enunciating] What the fuck?\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Someone knocks on his door\nMr. Mackey: Come on in.\nKyle: [opens the door and walks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?\nMr. Mackey: Wuh sure, Kyle. What's the matter?\nKyle: If you knew something, but, you couldn't tell anyone, what... what would you do?\nMr. Mackey: Well, Kyle, living with a lie is never a good thing. Okay. Could... could you maybe just tell me?\nKyle: [rubs his tears away] Okay okay... I love having Cartman's farts in my tummy. I love it. [Cartman sneaks a peek around the open door] I love it sooo sooo much.\nMr. Mackey: Well... why do you like his farts in your tummy?\nKyle: Because they taste so yummy. [his voice quivers, Cartman giggles from behind the door]\nMr. Mackey: Well Kyle, that's kind of odd. Uh, not sure how to help you with that.\nCartman: [enters and clears his throat] Oh, Mr. Mackey, could I-Oh, uhhh. Hey, sorry, am I interrupting?\nKyle: Not if you... have some delicious farts for me.\nCartman: [small gasp] Kyle, are you sure?\nKyle: Please...\nCartman: Well alright. [farts into his left hand and cups it over Kyle's mouth, making sure the fart goes all the way in.]\nKyle: Yummy yummy.\nMr. Mackey: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.\nScene Description: Jerusalem, evening. a huge crowd of people from all three Faiths of the Book cheers as a cleric, a rabbi, and a bishop sit at table onstage. Each has a symbol of his faith with him - the cleric has a cow bell, the rabbi has a candle, and the bishop has a chalice\nBishop: Today... begins the new Israel. [the cleric lifts up a cow bell and rings it, then sets it down] Today, we are all united as one. [the rabbi lights the candle] Chakam balada.\nCrowd: Chakam balada! Chakam balada! [followed by lots of cheering]\nRabbi 3: Now, let us celebrate under one symbol! [the clergy go their separate ways and the table sinks into the stage. After several peals of the bell, the floot the table was on returns to the stage as the three religious symbols combine to form... the Van Halen logo. Van Halen's music comes on and the stage lights go on. Eddie Van Halen takes the stage, followed by the rest of Van Halen, with David Lee Roth on mic]\nRabbi: No way no waaay!\nMuslim: Epiiic!\nDavid Lee Roth: Hello Israel! [launches into \"Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love\"]\nCNN Reporter: The party is officially underway. Jews, Christians and Muslims have united, ushering ten years of Van Halen. [archived live footage follows] Out in the crowd, people are celebrating like never before. [nineteen seconds of footage and song follow] No doubt Israel is the happiest, rockingest place to be.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, tortured. His eyes are closed\nStan: Hey Kyle.\nKyle: Hey\nStan: Kyle, there's peace in the Middle East. They're saying maybe it's gonna lead to peace all over the world. Everyone's really happy. You should be too.\nKyle: I am happy, Stan. I'm thrilled.\nStan: ...Dude, we've been friends a long time. Can you just tell me why you like Cartman's farts so much?\nKyle: [gets emotional] I just do, Stan.\nStan: You like... how they smell? How they taste?\nKyle: Yes.\nStan: They're really that good?\nKyle: Yes.\nStan: Should I try them?\nKyle: NO.\nRingtone: Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy.\nKyle: This is Cartman. I have to take it. [answers his phone] Hello?\nCartman: Hey, I was just about to order some dinner. What sounds better in your mouth tomorrow? Thai or Greek?\nKyle: [keeping quite calm] I don't care.\nCartman: I care, Kyle. You should have a say in this; they're your yummy farts. Should we go with Thai?\nKyle: That's fine. [hangs up]\nStan: ...Kyle, maybe you should get some help.\nKyle: Please, just, just leave it alone, Stan. Everything is as it has to be.\nScene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door\nStan: I don't get it, Kenny.\nKenny: (Dude, maybe he's like mentally ill or something)\nStan: Well whatever it is, we have to figure it out. I think all those farts are starting to get to Kyle's head.\nScene Description: That night, Kyle is tossing and turning in his bed\nKyle: No more. No more. Oh, come on, Cartman, no. No more. [begins to reject Cartman's farts in his dreams. A bright light appears and Kyle wakes up, then looks at the foot of his bed]\nGod: Kyle Broflovski.\nKyle: Huh? Who...? Who is that?\nGod: Why do you endure all the farts, Kyle?\nKyle: I... because the world is at peace. I must endure.\nGod: What you are doing... is the most awesome thing ever.\nKyle: I... I know.\nGod: Who else would take such torment?\nKyle: That's, that that's k-kind of what I was thinking.\nGod: You should like, shave your head and get all peaceful about it. Your sacrifice saves the world.\nKyle: Yes.\nScene Description: Bathroom, next day. Kyle shaves all his hair off\nKyle: I endure what I must for the sake of all humanity.\nScene Description: Jerusalem, evening. During vespers, \"Hot For Teacher\" begins to play\nCNN Reporter: [now in party mode - shirtless and with face paint on] What can this reporter say except that Israel freaking rocks! Things just keep getting better here, Tom. And in a few days, they'll be honoring the little boy who discovered the red cow, here on stage, and things are gonna go off!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway, Kyle, now bald, is laying on the floor as Cartman sits on him again, trying to fart\nCartman: You're gonna... come with me... to Israel, Kyle? [three quick farts]\nKyle: Yes! Yes I will!\nCartman: Huh? You comin'? [three more quick ones]\nKyle: Yes, whatever you want. [a longer fart]\nCartman: Okay. I want the whole world to see how much you love my farts. Plane leaves tomorrow. [leaves, screen right. Kyle stands up]\nStan: Kyle, don't do this. Don't eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world.\nButters: Just stop, please.\nKyle: [dressed in gray pants and white tunic, no footwear] It's okay. Everyone, it's okay. Perhaps one day, you will all understand. What I do, I do because I care about each and every one of you. [walks away, screen left]\nCraig: Well now he just sounds like a self-righteous asshole.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, meditating. His eyes are open\nStan: Hey Kyle.\nKyle: Hello, Stan.\nStan: Um, dude, we need to talk. This has to stop.\nKyle: There are greater things at work than what you understand.\nStan: If you wanna suck farts, Kyle, that's fine. Go ahead. But you can't suck farts and be a dick about it.\nKyle: I'm actually the complete opposite.\nStan: All of a sudden you seem to think you're above everyone else!\nKyle: I'm not better, I'm just... doing what needs to be done to make the world a better place.\nStan: See? You sound like a dick.\nKyle: [thinks a bit] I happen to be the one person who's putting everyone else's needs before their own!\nStan: Dick! That's a dick talking! You've had too much of Cartman's farts and you got sulphur poisoning, and now you're a dick.\nKyle: All you need to know is I'm way awesomer than you think, okay?!\nScene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door\nStan: I don't think Kyle really loves Cartman's farts. There's something else going on.\nKenny: (Huh? Like what?)\nStan: This all started with the stupid peace in the Middle East, Kenny. For some reason it's making Kyle crazy. We've gotta get to the bottom of this!\nScene Description: Jerusalem, eve, two days later. Van Halen finishes a song, and Rabbi 1 is at the podium\nRabbi 1: And now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all this happen, Eric Cartman, and his best friend, Fartboy. [Cartman and Kyle come out onstage to great applause. The rabbi gives Cartman the mic]\nCartman: Thank you everyone. It's my honor to have been a part of this... miracle. Isn't that right, Fartboy?\nKyle: Could I please one of your piping-hot farts in my mouth?\nCartman: Are you sure, Fartboy? I've had a lot of strange food on this trip.\nKyle: Yummy yummy I want your farts in my tummy.\nRabbi 1: Uh excuse me, I'm sorry everyone, but apparently there's some breaking news in the United States.\nScene Description: A satellite feed appears, with a reporter, Stan, and Kenny.\nReporter: We are in Colorado where the red cow was discovered, and apparently, two boys have shocking news that might change everything.\nStan: Yes, there's something that you all need to know. The truth about the red cow. We have all been [Stan's phone rings] So- sorry, hang on. [pulls the phone out of his jacket pocket and answers it.] Hello?\nKyle: Dude! Do not do this!\nStan: No, dude, you don't understand. Cartman hasn't been telling the truth!\nKyle: Yes, I know that! Why do you think I've been putting up with his farts?!\nStan: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.\nMuslim 2: \"Oh\" what? [an Israeli throws up his hands in a shrug]\nKyle: I know Cartman made it all up, okay?! I also know that nothing is more important for humanity than peace in the Middle East! I'm okay with this, Stan!\nStan: Well, I'm not okay with it, 'cause it's turned you into a dick, Kyle!\nKyle: I'm not a dick, I'm like Gandhi!\nStan: You know, I don't think when Gandhi starved himself he was all \"Dude, look how fuckin' awesome I am for starving. Check me out!\"\nKyle: Okay, okay. Stan, you're right. Maybe I let being a martyr go to my head. Just please, let me stay on this path, and, I'll try to be cool about it. Okay? I'm sorry.\nStan: You should apologize to Kenny too.\nKyle: I'm sorry, Kenny!\nKenny: (That's okay, Kyle.)\nRabbi 1: No, what is the new information?!\nStan: The red cow... I saw it too. Ih it came down from the sky in a flash of light. It was a miracle.\nKyle: Hurray!\nRabbi 1: Oh no, it was a miracle?\nIsraeli 2: Then, it's not true. The prophecy is not true! [rounds of disappointment as everyone starts leaving]\nDavid Lee Roth: Wait, I thought we were all here because of the prophecy of a miraculous red cow!\nRabbi 5: No, the prophecy is that one day, a fat child with a small penis would decorate a cow to look ginger, not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky. [Kyle is stunned that Cartman fulfilled that prophecy]\nMuslim 2: I knew this was all too good to be true!\nBishop: We are associating with these heathens for no reason!\nCartman: Small penis?!\nScene Description: News break\nAnchor: The party's over. Muslims, Jews, and Christians are back at each other's throats, and Israel is once again a place of conflict, and turmoil\nScene Description: A synagogue, day. Kyle is pleading his case with the rabbis\nKyle: Please, you have to listen to me! The prophecy actually did come true!\nRabbi 3: No it di'n't.\nKyle: Yes! It did!\nRabbi 1: The prophecy was that a fat boy with a small penis would one day decorate a cow to look ginger. We should have known a prophecy like this... was too impossible to ever come to be.\nKyle: But that is what happened! It is! Tell them, Cartman!\nCartman: No, Kyle, you were right. I see now that little lies can cause huge problems.\nKyle: But it's the truth!\nCartman: No, it's not, Kyle. I have a huge dick.\nRabbi 1: Sorry boys, but we've gotta get to our fight. There's a rumble at the Wailing Wall. [brings out a switchblade. Rabbi 2 has a shot gun, while rabbi 3 carries a bat]. They leave, and Kyle turns around\nKyle: Ssso it was all for nothing. The whole time I was... eating farts for nothing.\nCartman: Cheer up, Kyle. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone who thought they were suffering for humanity was actually just sucking farts. Hey. How about we get a little dessert, help cheer you up? [puts his hand on his ass and farts on it, then puts whipped cream on it, with a cherry on top, and smothers it on Kyle's face. He then walks away. A few seconds later, the cherry falls off]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. It's looking mighty impressive now. A large banner for Black Friday, November 29, hangs high above the main entrance. Winter is coming. A senior security guard paces back and forth while briefing the other guards about Black Friday madness.\nGuard 1: The holiday season... is here, and Black Friday... is upon us. As you know, black Friday is the day shoppers go berserk for holiday deals. Last year, 26 people died, and 461 were seriously injured. [stops by a guard who lost his right arm, puts his right arm on the guard's left shoulder and closes his eyes for a moment, then moves on] This winter the mall is offering 80% off to the first thirty people in the store. [The guards shout out various responses] For you new recruits, perhaps you took this job to see just what the violence was like. [a closeup of a guard without a chin] Or perhaps you thought workin' Black Friday wouldn't be a big deal. [looks at Randy, who just smiles innocently]\nRandy: I'm just trying to earn some extra holiday cash.\nGuard 1: [ominously] Or maybe you're just too stupid to realize what you've gotten yourselves into.\nChief of Security: That's enough! [the other guards turn to see him, an old guard with a scar over his left eye, and his back to them] Our only chance of surviving this year's sale is by sticking together! Those of you who signed up are to be... commended. [turns around] But I warn you: do not underestimate the battle that's about to take place outside those doors! [the other guards stay silent, and he turns towards the front entrance.] Winter is coming.\nScene Description: Neighborhood, day. Cartman the Wizard walks down the sidewalk and on to Kenny's house. He knocks three times with his walking stick, and Kenny opens the door.\nCartman: Good evening, sir. I'm calling together all the fighters of Zauron. I need to speak with Lady McCormick.\nKenny: [looks around the living room] (She's not here right now.)\nCartman: Please tell her there is to be a meeting in the Great Hall. I have found a way to get XBox Ones, and the fair Lady McCormick will want to hear about it.\nScene Description: The Great Hall, day. A bunch of boys in costumes are downstairs in Cartman's basement. As the boys talk amongst themselves, Cartman calls the meeting to order with three taps from his walking stick.\nCartman: Thank you all for coming. Prince Token, Sir Timmy of Blacklake, Lady McCormick [Kenny plays with the hair on his wig and mumbles coyly]. Warriors, we have fought many great battles together. At Clyde's house. At Scott Malkinson's house. But soon we will be fighting the greatest battle of our young hot lives. Winter is coming, and the next gen gaming devices are hitting the shelves.\nClyde: Which nobody can afford.\nCartman: What if I were to tell you that if we all worked together there's a way we can get the new gaming system.\nToken: If you know of a way, wizard, then speak.\nCartman: I have learned of a dark magic at work. The day after Thanksgiving, the first thirty people inside the mall get 80% off whatever they want. They are calling it... Black Friday.\nButters: Woo, spooky.\nCraig: Black Friday? Come on, that can't be real.\nCartman: It is real, Craig! I saw it on the news, butthole!\nStan: [stands on his chair] It is real. They do it every year. But everyone in town tries to be the first inside the mall on Black Friday. What chance do we have?\nCartman: On our own, none. But if we plan, strategize, and fight together! [pounds the table with his left fist] ...We can be the first people inside on Black Friday. And use the 80% to get the gaming system we need to survive.\nScene Description: A news show, with a female anchor and a male anchor.\nMale anchor: Well it's almost Thanksgiving, and we all know what that means.\nFemale anchor: That's right. Black Friday is right around the corner.\nMale anchor: Ouch.\nFemale anchor: And people are already gearing up. [cut to shoppers]\nShopper 1: [obese man with only one tooth] We usually start linin' up around 3 am. We uh douse ourselves in pig blood, because it does help us slip through the crowd when the doors open.\nShopper 2: [with his family] We do it every year, part of the family tradition. Last year we lost our youngest daughter. Her head was stepped on and crushed, but, in her memory, we're going to find a young girl and step on her head this year.\nShopper 3: [an angry obese woman with two fat kids behind her] If anyone thinks they're gonna beat me inside that mall, and keep me from gettin' [points to her younger kid] my kids Christmas presents, they can kiss my fat vagina, 'cause I'm bringin' the motherfuckin' pain! [bares her teeth]\nReporter: Tom, the South Park Mall says they've beefed up security in an effort to reduce the number of fatalities this year. One thing's for sure, people take Black Friday very seriously.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. The segment begins with a grinder honing a wooden sword. Panning out, Scott Malkinson is shown operating the grinder for Jimmy, who's waiting on his sword. Scott finishes and hands the sword to Jimmy, who begins to wield it. Other boys, including Stan and Kyle, are paired off and shown sparring with their swords. Tweek and Token try their hands at archery, trying to strike dummies with arrows.\nCartman: [walking around, surveying his knights] Yes. Yes, very nice. Good.\nButters: [runs up with a sheet of paper and hands it to Cartman] Wizard Cartman! I have news from the Internet, my lord! [salutes with his left hand]\nCartman: [flatly, but sternly] They don't salute in Game of Thrones, Butters.\nButters: [lowers his hand] Uh, sorry, I haven't watched it yet.\nCartman: Okay, we need to start immediately, please. [clears his throat and reads] Ah, very good. The House of Greyhawk has agreed to join our fight!\nStan: The House of Greyhawk?\nKyle: Larry and Brad Stoltsky\nCartman: But my friends, we must still find others who will fight by our side! Are there no other factions we can call to our aid?\nClyde: [raises his left hand] Hey yeah, I know. [lowers it] How about we ask those kids who play Star Trek?\nCartman: Uhh noo! Screw those guys. They're dorks, and I'm not playing with them.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. Under cloudy skies, a lone guard sits near the entrance, drinking from a metal flask.\nRandy: [walks up] Hey, [notices the flask] that's what I'm talkin' about. You got any extra of that? [the guard shares his flask] Oh, thanks! [sits down near the guard] Gets a little boring around here, you know? [takes a swig from the flask]\nGuard 2: Enjoy the boredom while you can.\nRandy: So you worked here last winter? You worked on Black Friday? [hands the flask back to the guard]\nGuard 2: I did.\nRandy: Is it really as bad as they say it is?\nGuard 2: The shoppers... Hm... They started showing up at midnight on Thursday... They... didn't line up, they just crammed themselves near the main entrance... I can see their faces smooshed up against the glass, licking their lips, waiting to get in... God, the sounds that they made... It was 5 am when they opened the doors... There was screaming... blood... people... tearing each other's faces off while holiday music played in the background... I saw a woman... pick up her daughter by the ankle and swing her into some old guy's head... Before I knew it they were all around me... fighting, clawing. Then a hand reached in and pulled me out. Old Cap. He saved us all that day. [A shot of the chief of security] When it was over... the front of the mall was... covered in red. Bodies... shopping bags... [a shot of the banner again] And now winter comes again. [after a few seconds of reflection, he quickly drinks the rest of the flask]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Cartman and Butters are walking\nButters: Well Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.\nCartman: Ah yes, Paladin Butters, are you enjoying it?\nButters: Well it's it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost every time they show a guy's wiener, that guy's character is gay?\nCartman: What do you mean?\nButters: Well ih-it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vagina's and stuff, but most times they show a man's wiener, it's because that guy's in a love scene with another guy. Do you think it's because gay wieners are less threatening to women viewers?\nCartman: Iiii believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, Paladin Butters.\nButters: Yeah, I know. Winter is comin' and there's dragons and zombies on the way. I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay wiener is all.\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, evening. The boys are back practicing their swordplay. Cartman and Butters step through the sliding door onto the yard\nCartman: We have word from the kindergartners. They've agreed to join us! [the boys cheer this good news]\nKyle: Those XBox Ones are as good as ours!\nBoys: Yeah!\nCraig: Wait, wait. What are you talking about, XBox Ones? [everyone's smiles vanish]\nCartman: That's what this is all about, Craig. We're all trying to get XBox Ones on Black Friday.\nCraig: I thought we were getting Playstation 4's.\nCartman: [chortles] What?\nJimmy: M ma um m-me too.\nCartman: ...Nnnoo. Guys, when I said we're gonna get the next gen gaming systems, I was obviously talking about XBoxes.\nKyle: Yeah.\nJimmy: Eh but I want a PS4, not a crappy XBox.\nKyle: Look, guys, we all have to agree on one system.\nCartman: That's right.\nKyle: If some of us are on PS4s, but the rest of us are on XBox's, then we all can't play together online. See? This is all about committing to one machine.\nCraig: Right. Let's all get PS4s.\nKyle: [taken aback] No, the XBox's are gonna be better.\nTweek: They're not better, they're just more expensive.\nCartman: We are getting XBox Ones, guys! And that is final!\nCraig: [angrily] That's exactly how XBox people are!\nJimmy: Yeah!\nCartman: Fine! If you guys don't wanna join us on Black Friday to get XBoxes, then that's fine!\nCraig: We're still gonna fight on Black Friday, just not with you!\nCartman: [thinks for a moment] Oh, it's gonna be like that, is it?!\nCraig: Everyone who wants to get PS4s, join with us! [Fosse joins Craig and Tweek, followed soon after by Jimmy and two other boys. Bill and Jason join them as well, while Scott joins the XBox group]\nKyle: No! We can't divide like this! [Stan leaves the XBox group] Stan? [Stan turns around] You're on our side, right?\nStan: I like the PS4's controller better.\nKyle: [stunned, then] Stan, the PS4 doesn't have the seamless transition between games, movies, and TV offered by XBox One.\nStan: [tears welling up] The PS4 has a touchpad interface. You never listened. I told you I thought the PS4 was better, but you never wanted to listen to me, Kyle. You just had your head so set because... [gets mad] because that's how XBox people are.\nKyle: [determined] Then I guess I'll see you on Black Friday.\nStan: [determined] If I see you at the mall, Kyle, I will have to try to beat you inside.\nKyle: I know.\nCartman: [walks up to Kyle] Come on, Kyle. Let these Sony fucks wallow in their limited voice-control functionality. [turns around and walks away with the XBox group, with Kyle joining him. A shot of the mall as day turns to night]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy comes home from work as a mall security guard\nRandy: [singing to himself] Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. [opens the front door and enters, closes the door and sets the keys on a small table] Please to put a penny in the old man's-\nSharon: [waiting for him by the sofa, with her arms crossed] What the hell are you doing?\nRandy: [stops] Oh hey Sharon. You're up, huh? I uh... alright, look: I took a temp job at the mall. I just wanted to make some extra holiday cash.\nSharon: Bullshit.\nRandy: I did, Sharon. [begins walking past her] I saw they were hiring extra security, and I thought it'd be a good way to make money.\nSharon: [stands up and follows Randy for a few steps] You're doing this to try and get to the front of the line on Black Friday, aren't you?\nRandy: [goes onto the first stair step and thinks of his reply, then turns around] Nobody else has thought of it, Sharon. I won't even be out in the crowd. I'll be on the inside when the doors open. While everyone is trying to run over each other, I'll turn around and run right into the stores. I'll be the first to get whatever I want!\nSharon: Isn't Black Friday supposed to be about buying things for other people?\nRandy: Winter is coming, Sharon, and I'm a sneaky little bee. [flaps his right hand like a wing] Bzzz bzzz. [goes on up the stairs]\nScene Description: A Trekker's room. The room is furnished to resemble the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. A Vulcan sits in the captain's chair. Star Trek: TOS music plays\nEnsign: Thrusters are at 20%, captain.\nKevin: Engage, ensign. Warp factor 1.\nDougie: Captain, we have an incoming FaceTime request from Eric Cartman.\nKevin: On screen. [the monitor on the floor lights up and Cartman is seen.]\nCartman: Oh uh, hey guys, what's up?\nKevin: Nothin' much. We're just about to check out a Class M planet that might have new sources of trillurillium.\nCartman: [to Clyde] God these guys are such dorks!\nClyde: Just find out who they're loyal to.\nCartman: [performs the Vulcan sign for goodbye] Uh yeah, big dong and prosper. Um, listen guys, uh, uh, you're XBox people, right?\nKevin: Given the XBox's faster frame rate, we have no choice but to declare it the most technologically fit for Starfleet.\nCartman: [to Clyde] Oh my god they're so gaaay! [to the Trekkers] Um, kewl. What if I were to tell you that we have a way for you to join us in getting XBox Ones super cheap.\nDougie: Cheap XBox Ones? For real?\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, moments later. Cartman comes out of his house with Clyde in tow.\nCartman: The Federation has agreed to fight with us! [the group gathers at a round table] With them and the kindergartners, our army has just doubled in size! [Kyle sadly nods in acknowledgement] You still think you can convince Stan to come back to our side, don't you, Sir Kyle?\nKyle: I don't know.\nCartman: You can't change his mind, Sir Kyle. Sony people don't think with logic. He betrayed us. And now we must out-Game of Thrones him by making powerful alliances.\nButters: Oh don't even get me started! I keep watchin' that show and I'm waitin' for the darn dragon to show up and, and kick everyone's butt! But all I get is wiener, wiener, wiener. It's not all gay wiener, but when they DO show a straight guy's wiener, it's all soft and floppy. Even though he just got done humpin' a pretty girl! Why is that? Because a soft wiener isn't threatening, just like a gay wiener. [closes his case by crossing his arms]\nCartman: [with his right hand over his nose] Butters, you seem to be somewhat obsessed with wieners.\nButters: I'm obsessed with wieners? Well what about HBO?\nKyle: This isn't helping us, Butters!\nClyde: The Sony people might not be our biggest problem.\nKenny: (What do you mean?)\nClyde: Twitter says they're introducing a new Elmo doll this Christmas.\nCartman: What new Elmo doll?\nScene Description: The Elmo Doll commercial. What's the GIFT children as asking for this HOLIDAY season?\nElmo: [pops into view] Heheh, who, me?\nAnnouncer: [a blonde girl unwraps her gift] Just in time for the holidays, it's Stop Touching Me Elmo. [the girl shows him to the camera] When you press his back, Elmo puts his hand on your knee and says fun things. [a boy demonstrates this]\nElmo: Have you ever been tickled on the inside? [next, the blonde girl is asleep with it] I'm lonely. Are you lonely? [she wakes up. Next is a boy in his own bedroom room] Can I watch you go potty? [the boy looks at the doll. Next is a brunet girl with curly hair] You wanna kiss the guy who does Elmo's voice? [the doll puts his hand on the girl's knee. This alarms her]\nGirl: Stop touching me, Elmo! [swats his arm away. He tries again and she stops him sooner. He tries again...]\nAnnouncer: Elmo also helps kids brush their teeth with his toothpaste dispenser. [a shot of a boy putting toothpaste onto his toothbrush from Elmo's groin]\nElmo: More! More! More! Aaaghghgh.\nAnnouncer: Don't miss out on this holiday season's biggest gift! Stop touching me, Elmo!\nAnnouncer 2: Available at South Park Mall staring Black Friday.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. Randy arrives with some coffee and sees some other guards\nRandy: Morning, Joe, Marcus.\nGuard 3: Morning, Randy.\nOld Cap: What madness is this?? [Randy and the other two guards walk over.]\nRandy: What is it?\nOld Cap: [reads from an announcement] A new Elmo doll. They're releasing a new Emo doll [rolls up the announcement] just in time for Black Friday.\nGuard 3: Oh Christ, no!\nOld Cap: You've murdered us! [looks up at some business people in front of a Toy Safari store] You soulless monsters, you've killed us all! [some knocking is heard from the main entrance. The guards look to their right and see the crowd beginning to form outside]\nGuard 4: Oh, God, they're already lining up.\nShopper 1: Eelllmoooo\nGuard 3: No! They can't line up this soon! This is crazy!\nOld Cap: I'll deal with these demons! [walks towards the entrance, opens the doors, and walks out. The doors close and he addresses the crowd] If you are here for Black Friday, the line starts on that side of the rope. [shows them the rope. which has a small sign saying \"BLACK FRIDAY LINE\" on one of the poles]\nShopper 4: Oh. This rope right here? [walks over to the rope. The rest of the crowd follows him and stand behind the rope]\nOld Cap: That's the line for Black Friday, so other people can do normal shopping today.\nShopper 4: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [Old Cap goes inside and the shoppers resume knocking on the glass walls.]\nShopper 4: Elmooo.\nShopper 5: Give me Elmo.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan leads Jimmy and Craig to the Goths' hangout at the side of the school\nStan: We come seeking your help. Do you side with those wanting XBoxe's, or will you join us on Black Friday and fight for PS4s?\nMichael: Are you for real?\nJimmy: You know that the PS4 is a better choice. I mean, come on.\nMichael: Of course we're going to go with the PS4. They're blacker!\nStan: Then join us! We need people to help us be the first 20 inside the mall!\nPete: Uhhh, we're just gonna wait until the PS4s become cheaper and more available.\nStan: No, you can't do that!\nJimmy: Ya yo you can't, you can't do that.\nStan: Don't you see this is about more than Black Friday? Battle lines are being drawn! If you wait it out, but everyone else has already decided to go with XBox, then, that will become the standard! The PS4 would be like Betamax was to VHS.\nHenrietta: What's Betamax?\nStan: Exactly!\nPete: What's VHS?\nStan: ...Look, we're just asking people who want to play on PS4s to fight for what they believe in!\nMichael: Sorry, I guess we just don't care enough.\nJimmy: Come on, Sir Stan. There must be kids somewhere who will join us. [turns right and walks away. Craig follows, and Stan looks at the floor, saddened]\nScene Description: A lush garden, night. Cartman and Kenny walk through it. Kenny is caressing a mouse\nCartman: Lady McCormick, I was hoping I could talk to you about Kyle.\nKenny: (Yes. What's up, my lord?)\nCartman: I'm not sure if his heart is in the right place. If he were to ever... [picks out a yellow rose and gives it to Kenny] switch sides, [Kenny sniffs it] it could make Stan's army problematic for us.\nKenny: (But Stan and Kyle are best friends)\nCartman: True, but we can't let Kyle come in the way of what's rightfully ours. [stops and faces Kenny] Let's face it, Lady McCormick, this is really about you and me getting XBox Ones. The others are simply there to... help us get inside those doors.\nKenny: [strokes his mouse] (Yes. That's right.) [they resume the walk]\nCartman: You have a strong influence over the rest of the men, Lady McCormick. All I'm saying is when the time comes, I might need you to... use that influence to have Kyle taken care of. Do we understand each other?\nKenny: (Yes, I believe we do.)\nThompson: Hey, you damned kids! [Cartman and Kenny turn to face the voice, which turns out to be a man looking out his bedroom window on the second floor of his house] Get the hell out of my yard!\nCartman: Fuck you, dude! This is the Garden of Andros!\nThompson: No, it's my damned garden and I'm sick of you kids dressin' up and havin' talks of betrayal in it!\nScene Description: The mall, night. The mall is closed, and Randy makes the rounds, buzzing to himself. He stops by RadioHut to check out the specials\nRandy: Seventy-inch television. Huh that would be good. Oooo, but 80% off a computer. Huh, maybe I'll be able to snag both.\nVoice: Doin' alright there, Rookie? [A hand falls on Randy's left shoulder, startling him]\nRandy: Whoa! Haha. [recognizing Old Cap] Yes sir!\nOld Cap: Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.\nRandy: No, I was just uh, looking at all these great things I can't afford, heh.\nOld Cap: Listen, uh... I know why you took this part-time job.\nRandy: You-d, you do?\nOld Cap: I see it in you. You care about people. [smiles] Same reason I do it every year. [takes Randy for a walk] You remind me of my son. He died on Black Friday in '89. Guess I'm still trying to save him. [stops] Look, I just want to say I... I really appreciate what you're doing. I promised my wife this would be my last Black Friday I worked. When I see folks like you, it... makes me hopeful that people will still be okay.\nRandy: [going with it] Yeah... awesome...\nOld Cap: No, damn it! [noticing something outside] No lining up behind the velvet rope! [goes towards the entrance] God they just don't listen! [Randy sighs and buzzes to himself more soberly]\nScene Description: The PS4 army's tent, night. A soldier is keeping watch next to the tent\nJimmy: C-C-Cartman's army is getting bigger every day. In addition to the Federation and the kindergartners, the XBox army now also has the kids who play Harry Potter, the jocks, the swim team, and the glee club.\nCraig: Word is that the sixth graders all prefer XBox too, and will team up with Cartman as well.\nStan: And who do we have on our side?\nJimmy: Uh besides us, it's the book club and Janice Pinkerton.\nStan: Did you ask the Vamp kids?\nCraig: They're still undecided.\nStan: [walks towards the tent's entrance] There has to be a way to get people on the fence to join our side. [looks at the campfire outside, around which sit Tweek and two other boys]\nBoy: Playstation...\nJimmy: Look, Sir Stan, it's probably time to give this up.\nCraig: We're just a dying breed, Stan. XBox is going to win this whole thing.\nStan: So we're just gonna let other kids decide which game system we all play on? What would they do on Game of Thrones? What would they do when things look their darkest?\nScene Description: Sony Corporation, Japan, night. The head of the corporation is humping a woman from behind on his desk, in his office. Two board members arrive and one of them clears his throat.\nCorporate head: Huh? Isogashii yo! [I'm busy!\"]\nMember 1: Sorry to disturb you sir, but we thought you should see this. [pulls out a flier]\nCorporate head: [gets down from his desk and puts on his robe] Omae-ya kikei [\"You freak\"]. [the woman gets off the table and skulks away while the corporate head walks to the board members] Jishu, taihen ne. [\"Geez, how dreadful\"]'[takes the flier and looks at it. It's a flier Cartman had made up and distributed everywhere, even Japan] Winter is comingu. Choose side-o. Nani kore? [\"What is this?\"]\nMember 1: Just a small down in Middle America, but apparently, a war is escalating.\nMember 2: Sir, if this were to become a news story, and if the first people inside their mall all got XBoxes... well it clearly looks bad for our image.\nCorporate head: [looks more closely at the flier] So desu ne... [\"I see...\"]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. A Channel 9 News reporter is on camera\nReporter 2: What's going to be the big item everyone goes for this Black Friday? It just might be the PlayStation 4. Sony has just announced they offering a special Black Friday bundle, called the \"Brack Friday Bunduru,\" which will include four controllers, a map of Japan, a hundred dollar rebate, and, allow you to automatically pre-order for Metal Gear Solid V. No doubt Sony has just raised the stakes.\nScene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. There are more kids in the yard now, all honing their skills for the coming battle. Cartman walks among them\nCartman: Yes. Good, Federation kids. You're learning to fight with your hands! Keep pushing, kindergartners! [walks further along to Kyle, who's sitting on a tree stump.] Sir Kyle, I know that Sony's offering a special Brack Friday Bunduru. You know the XBox is still better, right?\nKyle: Yeah, but, why can't XBox automatically let you pre-order Metal Gear Solid V?\nCartman: Sir Kyle, pre-order doesn't mean shit, okay? When you pre-order a game, you're just committing to paying for something that some assholes in California haven't even finished working on yet. You know what you get for pre-ordering a game? A big dick in your mouth.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. The crowd at the Black Friday line has gotten bigger and the clamoring has gotten louder. Randy is keeping the peace.\nRandy: Alright, listen up. [the crowd quiets down] The mall is no longer allowing people to line up for Black Friday until Thanksgiving night. [the clamoring resumes] It's okay. To hold places in line we're handing out wristbands. [the crowd knocks down the rope and overwhelms him] Augh! Hold on! Oh God!\nShopper 6: Wristbands!\nOld Cap: [sees the commotion and arrives to restore order] Back! Back, all of you! [the other guards come to help out] If that's how you are, there'll be no wristbands! No go! [delivers a left jab to a woman in front of him]\nShopper 7: Oh!\nOld Cap: Back away! [Shopper 1 comes up behind him and stabs him]\nShopper 4: I'm getting my son that Elmo doll, you fuck! [pulls the knife out and rushes away. Old Cap collapses]\nRandy: No! [runs to Old Cap's side as more guards exit the mall. Randy reaches him first, and the other guards gather around them]\nOld Cap: You did good. The watch is yours now.\nRandy: No! You can't die! Everybody really likes you!\nOld Cap: This is what we signed up for. Right, my friend?\nRandy: No, I was lying to you! I took this job... to be at the front of the line on Black Friday.\nOld Cap: Heh. Now you know how serious this is. Whatever your intentions before, protect this town. You are in charge now. Take this. [puts his hand over his left eye and... pulls off what turns out to be an adhesive eye patch and places it on Randy's left eye] Don't let... Black Friday... be the end. [dies. The other guards stay around, not knowing what to do]\nRandy: [rises] Get back inside. We have work to do. [the guards file back into the mall]\nScene Description: A backyard, night. Its surroundings are a bit shabby - an overflowing trash can, an old lounge chair... Stan is facing Craig and Jimmy, and a few seconds later, turns around\nStan: When we started this fight... it was because we were tired of XBox people telling us Playstation sucks! Now... we have an army of our own! [the army is shown, and it includes the Goths, the Vamps, the handicapped kids, and some first graders. The house behind them only has one story, and it looks run down. A security grill is falling off one of the windows and the fence is in tatters. The army cheers for itself] I can't guarantee you will live, but I can guarantee that before this is over... the winner of the console wars will be decided. [more cheering. A familiar figure sits on a throne...] Our new leader has joined us to help make sure that system is the PS4! [he turns around and unsheathes his sword, raising it to honor the new leader]All hail the Princess! [points the sword at her, and more cheering follows. Princess Kenny, Lady McCormick, has arrived]\nPS4 Army: The Princess! Yeah! [a mouse crawls into view, on the Princess's left shoulder, and roars]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kenny provides a recap of what happened last week on the show, with clips from that episode.\nKenny: Previously, on South Park.\nScene Description: The intro follows with the boys dresses as fantasy figures, and dramatic music matches them. Next, a white screen appears, with a silhouette of a black wall and a crow on it. The crow calls out\nNarrator: Now let me tell you, child, of a war that is about to come. [turns out the wall is the two consoles over which the war will be fought - the PS4 and the XBox - and the crow is on the display for the XBox One.] Since time unremembered there have been two. [the crow hops from the XBox One display to the PS4 display] One dark and unforgiving, the other pure and filled with light. [next is a silhouette of a woman looking at South Park Mall from a pile of rocks] At the dawn of war, I stand alone, looking out at would be the last battlefield, for winter is coming, and I... am a princess. [the woman is Princess Kenny] Once a common lady of the dark army, but, denied my right to be called princess by birth, [Kenny hops off the rocks and walks] I've betrayed my kind, [Kenny enters EVGames] and now I have chosen my side: that which I believe is best for all, [Kenny flips through the games and chooses Vomit Cops, then plays it] for it has the dual-shock controller with a speakers and a touchpad interface. [Kenny walks home] Our land is split in two, brother against brother, friend versus friend. [enters his house and walks past his parents] My parents will fight on Black Friday as well. For what? I do not know.\nStuart: What the hell is he wearin' now?\nNarrator: [walks out to the back yard and sits on her throne] My followers, though few in number, shall help see me through until I am finally accepted as a princess by all. I cannot rest, for I know that even now, the enemy is training for battle, also preparing for winter.\nScene Description: XBox One army base, day. As the rest of the army watches, Butters and Scott do some swordplay. Scott's tongue is hanging out of his mouth\nScott: En garde! [Butters takes up his sword and swordplay resumes. While the crowd cheers the swords-boys on, Cartman is not impressed, and he buries his nose in his hand while squeezing his eyes shut]\nCartman: Alright, stop, stop, stop! [leaves his chair and walks up to Scott and Butters] This is NOT how you fight! You think this is a joke?! On Black Friday, there's gonna be thousands of shoppers trying to get inside that mall keeping you from getting Xbox Ones! So what do we do?! We survey each enemy, and we attack their weak spots! Scott Malkinson has diabetes, so we hit him in his weak spot! [swings his staff at Scott's mouth and lands it, making Scott's tongue go back in his mouth]\nScott: Aaah God ow sorry...\nCartman: There's another army out there who thinks they're better than us, and we are not going to be beat by that traitor whore Kenny! Get back to training! [leaves]\nButters: [not sure what to do next, then swats Scott on his back] Yeah!\nScott: [falls onto his knees] Ah!\nKyle: [catches up to Cartman] Cartman, we should probably talk about our chances.\nCartman: The men are just inexperienced, Sir Kyle. They need more training.\nKyle: It's not enough! Ever since Kenny switched sides, there are more kids that wanna go with PS4 on Black Friday.\nCartman: That Goddamn traitor! You know why Kenny's doing this, right? Because he wanted to be a princess, and I wouldn't let him! [they go through the sliding door] I said, \"You can be a chick, Kenny, but there's only one ruler, and that's me!\" [reaches his refrigerator and opens it, looking for something to consume]\nKyle: Sony released the PS4s, Cartman. They're being reviewed. People are liking them.\nCartman: [turns around, holding a glass of milk] I guarantee you Kenny had something to do with Sony offering a Brack Friday Bunduru! [takes a swig of it] Just keep them in training, Sir Kyle. Two can play at Kenny's backstabbing game. [leaves, forgetting to close the refrigerator door]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at his desk placing a call, still grousing about Kenny\nCartman: Stupid asshole! [looks at a picture of himself and Kenny at Casa Bonita putting their arms around each other, with dreamy expressions, as they used to be best buds. He folds it up and lays it on his desk, face down] Yes, hello. I'd like to speak to the president of XBox, please... The president of XBox, like, the head of XBox... Fine, CEO of Microsoft, whatever. Put him on. I need help blowing up PlayStation people... Eric Cartman. I'm a wizard and a king... A wizard-king, yes... No, I'm not king of wizards, I'm a king that happens to be a wizard. [lost his patience] Just put the CEO of Microsoft on the phone!\nScene Description: Microsoft headquarters, night. The CEO's office. Steve Ballmer is at his desk\nSecretary: Mr. Ballmer, John and Dave from Marketing are here to see you. [the men come on in]\nBallmer: Yes, hello. How are things going out there?\nJohn: Sir, the tides of war are changing.\nDave: There's a king in Colorado, a young wizard who believes that Sony will have the upper hand if we do not come to his aid.\nJohn: He claims that with our help, his followers are prepared to fight to the death over which system is better.\nBallmer: Uhh, what are you guys talking about? You sound ridiculous.\nDave: [looks at John, then] There's... going to be a war in this small town on Black Friday, and it's all over the news!\nBallmer: Guys, these are console wars, not some epic battle for a kingdom. I mean, come on.\nDave: ...but, this one kid said that he's a wizard, and that Sony is helping-\nBallmer: Guys, guys guys! It's just a video game machine, alright? Microsoft's a company that... tries to be above all the petty commercialism, okay?\nDave: Ok-Okay.\nJohn: Okay. [they turn and leave]\nScene Description: The Channel 9 newsroom. The anchors are reporting\nTammy: Well, Black Friday is still a few days away, but it looks like it's already claimed another fatality.\nTom: Niles Lawson is on the scene, and Niles, what are you hearing?\nNiles: [holding in his left arm a giant candy cane, with blood stains along the hooked end] Tom, tragedy stuck last night when mall security officer Miles \"Happy\" Davis was beaten to death with this candy cane after telling a mother she couldn't line up for Black Friday until Thursday night. In honor of the slain mall security officer, the mall has officially decided to drop another 10% off Black Friday deals!\nScene Description: The Wall of Honor, established in 1974. A framed picture of the slain officer is placed on a shelf on the wall, and a small bouquet of flowers placed in front of that\nRandy: Happy was a good man. Too good to have died in such a brutal but festive manner.\nGuard 3: [runs up to Randy] Captain! Captain! The mall is dropping the Black Friday sale another 10%.\nGuard 4: What?\nGuard 5: Oh my God.\nGuard 6: They can't do that!\nGuard 7: What? That's 90% off!\nGuard 8: Oh God! They're back! The shoppers are back! [the camera pulls back to reveal a large crowd of shoppers slowly moving towards the mall. One of them holds a flyer for the new Black Friday deal. The fog is so low it looks soupy]\nRandy: Everybody stay put! I'll handle this. [exits the mall]\nScene Description: Outside the mall, night. The crowd continues its somewhat slow march towards the mall, but a main road and parking lot stand between them and the mall\nRandy: [through a bullhorn] If you are here for Black Friday, you cannot be on mall property until midnight on Thanksgiving.\nShopper 6: We're not on mall property.\nRandy: Well, you're about to be.\nShopper 6: Well, what if we just walk really, really slow? [the crowd slows it's walk further, growls spread among them, as they start to resemble a White Walker's] Black Friday!\nRandy: You're gonna have to walk slower than that. You've got a while.\nShopper 7: We can walk really slow. Look. [the shoppers start to shamble and quietly moan in a full parody of a White Walker army]\nRandy: Smartasses. [turns around and goes inside the mall]\nScene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Butters walk along the familiar path\nCartman: Paladin Butters, I was hoping I could talk to you about Lady McCormick.\nButters: You mean Princess Kenny, m'lord?\nCartman: Yeah, whatever. The little prick thinks he's Daenerys Targaryen. I need to know how to deal with him. [picks a rose out for Butters, just as he did for Kenny before.] How do they deal with the Queen of Dragons in Game of Thrones?\nButters: They don't!\nCartman: Well did you finish watching Season 3 like I asked you?\nButters: Yeah, I finished it!\nCartman: So what happens when the dragons show up?\nButters: Nothing! The dragons are just still on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy wieners in my face!\nCartman: Butter-Butters! The key to our victory is following the Game of Thrones model exactly. I have to know what happens when the dragons show up so I know how to deal with Kenny.\nButters: Wha-what do you want me to do?\nCartman: Here's two bus tickets to New Mexico. I want you to take Sir Scott Malkinson and go seek out George R. R. Martin for answers.\nButters: Who's George R. R. Martin?\nCartman: He's the guy who writes Game of Thrones, Butters! He can let us both know how to handle Kenny, and if we should betray Clyde or not. Let's face it, Butters, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.\nThompson: Hey! I told you kids to stay out of my damn yard!\nCartman: [shoots back] Do you mind?! We're trying to talk here!\nThompson: Yeah?! Well how come every time you talk to somebody, it's about betraying somebody else?!\nCartman: Why don't you mind your own business?!\nScene Description: Microsoft headquarters, night. Steve Ballmer is on the phone.\nBallmer: No. Listen, for the last time, we don't have any dragons to send them. If some people wanna choose PlayStations, it's their choice. [a knock is heard]\nSecretary: Sir, Mr. Gates is here.\nBallmer: Bill Gates? [to the caller] Uh, I gotta go. [hangs up, rises from his seat, goes around the desk, and greets Bill Gates] Hey heeey! Bill Gates actually showing up at Corporate.\nGates: [shaking hands] Hey Steve, how're you doin'?\nBallmer: Not bad, you know? Just tryin' to get this next gen press stuff handled.\nGates: I heard there's a little trouble in uh, Colorado somewhere?\nBallmer: Oh it's- no, it turns out it was nothing, just some kids tryin' to turn the console wars into somethin' bigger.\nGates: Oh my gosh. You know, when I uh... stepped down and left you in charge of the company, Steve uh, I knew there might be some challenges for you.\nBallmer: Yeah, well, nothin' I can't handle. [a man dressed in black appears behind him] There might be some changes we need to make to our marketing, but I'm optimistic. [the man approaches Steve.]\nGates: Uh huh.\nBallmer: You know, I think we'll ultimately sell the number of units we want to. [the man takes out a dagger and gets closer]\nGates: You're right, Steve. Some changes do need to be made. [the hitman reaches around and stabs Ballmer through the chest and drags the dagger to the right, cutting open Ballmer's chest even more. Ballmer cries out, but is choking in his blood. Ballmer steps backwards and falls on his back gasping for air. Gates takes a glass of wine to a sofa and sits down to look at Ballmer] Do you know what weakness is, Steve? Weakness is believing that competition is healthy. See, there was a time when XBoxes and PlayStations could both survive in this world, but that time's done. It's all headed to one device that people game on, watch TV on, socialize on. There's only going to be one winner. I can't have you idiots throwing away everything I worked so hard to achieve. [Ballmer takes his last gasps as Gates walks out of the CEO's office. Gates addresses Ballmer's men] Clean that shit up.\nScene Description: New Mexico, evening. Butters and Scott are walking down a street. Butters checks a map for George R. R. Martin's address\nButters: Well come on, Scott. You're lagging.\nScott: I think my insulin's low. I need to eat.\nButters: Let's just talk to this guy, and then we can hit a McDonald's. Oh here we go. 2217. [Butters and Scott stand in front of a mansion gate somewhere in the Southwest. Cacti abound on either side of the high fence. Butters reaches up and presses a buzzer]\nButler: [through the intercom] Can I help you?\nButters: Hello? Is this George R. R. Martin's house?\nButler: Who is this, please?\nButters: Uhhhh, it's two kids who want to know what happens when the dragons show up? [two seconds of silence] Hello?\nButler: I'm sorry, but Mr. Martin does not see fans.\nButters: We're not fans!\nScott: Yeah, we don't like it!\nButters: We don't like it! And I'm pretty pissed off, if you wanna know the truth!\nButler: About what?\nButters: Let me talk to George R. R. Martin, and I'll tell him about what! [the buzzer sounds again and the gates open. Butters and Scott go inside and towards the front door. George R. R. Martin steps outside to greet them]\nGeorge R. R. Martin: It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?\nButters: Uh no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Oh they're coming. The dragons are on their way.\nButters: When?\nGeorge R. R. Martin: You really wanna know?\nButters: [sternly] Please. It's urgent.\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Alright, King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there's a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And His wiener gently hangs down between his legs. Soft and flaccid, his wiener glistened in the golden sunlight.\nButters: No, uhno, can we skip the wiener stuff and just get to the dragons?\nScott: Aw shit, I think I'm-I think I'm going to faint.\nButters: Uh what's the matter, Scott?\nScott: I told you I have to eat every two hours.\nButters: He's diabetic.\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.\nButters: Oh. Okay, thanks.\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in Game of Thrones. [leads the boys inside]\nScene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Kyle walk along the familiar path\nCartman: Sir Kyle, I wanted to talk to you about Stan.\nKyle: If you want to make sure I'm not switching sides, Cartman, you don't have to worry. Stan is wrong.\nCartman: It isn't that. Princess Kenny is loved by her army [picks a rose out for Kyle], but Stan is still the nuts and ball of her operation. [Kyle sniffs the rose] It would be a huge setback to the traitors getting their PlayStations if Stan were to be... [stops] grounded?\nKyle: Grounded? For what?\nCartman: That could be up to you.\nKyle: No, Cartman. You said nobody will have to be grounded. We're not playing dirty!\nCartman: Fine, Sir Kyle. Perhaps you're right. [begins walking] Did you know that Stan's dad is working a temp job as mall security?\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Seems a little convenient, doesn't it? [stops and faces Kyle] Stan with somebody on the inside to help him get his PS4s. Who's playing dirty now? Let's face it, Sir Kyle, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.\nThompson: Don't believe it! [Cartman and Kyle look at Thompson] He said that to a bunch of people!\nCartman: Dude, you'd better stop harassing me or I'm callin' the cops!\nThompson: You're callin' the cops?!\nCartman: Yeah!\nThompson: You're on my property! I'm callin' the cops!\nCartman: Well go ahead! Call the fuckin' cops then!\nScene Description: A bedroom, night. A couple is having sex in it. As the camera pans right, it reveals whom the couple is - the Channel 9 news team. Niles appears at the door with a microphone in hand. He clears his throat\nTom: [startled] Oh oh! [calms down] Oh, it's you.\nNiles: Tom, I'm standing in your doorway because we have a hot news story to report.\nTammy: We don't go to work for another hour.\nNiles: [walks to the foot of the bed] We just got a call from Bill Gates. [sits down] He says he can promise us a bigger war on Black Friday if we play along.\nTammy: He wants us to side with him?\nNiles: That's right, Tammy. Let's not forget that having a bloodbath on Black Friday is good for the news. It's good for us. The bigger, the better.\nTom: Our job is to report the news, not make it more violent!\nNiles: Right, Tom. Because you're sooo about integrity. Let's go. [stands up and walks to the doorway, then turns around] Or maybe I should let everyone in the newsroom know what their two anchors are up to! Back to you!\nScene Description: Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson\nAnnouncer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson. Colorado's top-rated brother-sister news team.\nTom: Well Black Friday is just around the corner and Tammy, it's getting fierce out there.\nTammy: That's right, and Niles Lawson is out at the mall with a little holiday surprise.\nNiles: Tammy, the excitement over Black Friday is peaking, and none other than Bill Gates himself has shown up to try to make it even bigger. [Bill Gates appears]\nGates: That's right. We just wanna do whatever we can to help our supporters get their XBoxes at incredible deals on Friday, so we've come to offer swords and battle axes, whatever the kids can carry to help them fight their way through the other shoppers.\nNiles: We understand that you've donated some guns to the kids as well.\nGates: Yes, but we are limiting it to one per XBox follower,, because of course, the key thing here on everyone's mind is safety.\nScene Description: The neighborhood. The XBox army marches down the street, with Cartman being borne on a litter by several boys. Some of the bearers are Clyde and Kevin. One of the Federation members, dressed as Geordi La Forge, is indeed carrying a gun. The army approaches Kenny's house, and Token knocks on the door\nMrs. McCormick: [answers the door] Yes?\nCartman: Hi, is Kenny home?\nMrs. McCormick: Uh, yeah, Kenny's out back playing with his friends.\nCartman: Forward, men! [the bearers try to fit Cartman through the door, but they can't fir through. First they run into the door frame on the left side] That, no- [then on the right] No, you- You've gotta turn me. [the bearers tilt the litter some seventy degrees without Cartman falling off and finally fit through the door.]\nScene Description: Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is there, practicing\nJimmy: It's the enemy! Defensive po-po-p-po-p-positions! [other soldiers rally]\nOther kids: Protect the Princess! Kill 'em! Kill 'em! Get out!\nCartman: I seek audience with the traitor, Lady McCormick?\nStan: Let them pass! [the PS4 army makes way for the XBox army. Cartman is carried over to Kenny's throne]\nKenny: (Welcome to my kingdom, Sir Eric. Please, state your purpose.)\nStan: [translating] The Princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom and suggests you state your purpose. [Kenny plays with the hair on his wig]\nCartman: You can't win this, guys. Look around you. Lay down your weapons, and you can come back and fight for XBoxes with us on Black Friday.\nKenny: (You can change your mind instead of fighting us on Friday.)\nStan: The Princess says that if you wanna change your mind and agree that Playstations are better, she'll consider it.\nCartman: Kenny, we all understand wanting to play as the chick once in a while, 'kay? But you are never going to be a real princess!\nKenny: (What?!) [fans himself] (Oh, the nerve! How insensitive of you, you cock-sucking faggot!)\nStan: The Princess calls you a ball-licking lesbian.\nCartman: That doesn't even make sense.\nKyle: [steps forward] Stan, this has gone too far. People are going to get hurt. What you started is way out of control.\nStan: What I started? How dare you!\nKyle: All these people are going to be gaming on XBox. You really wanna just game with Craig the rest of your life?\nStan: I would rather game with Craig than spend one minute having to set up an XBox Live account! We will get our PlayStations tomorrow, and you buttholes will have nothing!\nCartman: You're outnumbered ten to one, and there's no time left! How will you win?! [Stan and Kenny look at each other, then Stan thinks a minute]\nStan: The gods will find us a way!\nScene Description: George R. R. Martin's living room, later. He's expounding on the Game of Thrones...\nGeorge R. R. Martin: So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big. [about 18 inches, by his estimate. Butters is losing patience as Scott fades] He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener [unzips his pants and demonstrates his story] and he dangles it around for all his men to see. [shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell]\nScott: AAAH! [turns away for a moment]\nButters: OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes [shakes his hips around as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it]\nButters: But you said they were on their way like three hours ago! [Scott had said he needs to eat every two hours]\nScott: If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.\nGeorge R. R. Martin: [zips up] Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. [picks up where he was interrupted] Now, John Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.\nScott: Ehhh...\nScene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman is back with another partner in crime\nCartman: Mr. Gates, I was hoping I could talk to you about the fight on Friday.\nGates: Certainly. Uh, Eric, right?\nCartman: Uhh, it's my Lord Wizard King, actually. Having your leadership has certainly been a help. [picks another yellow rose for Gates] But I hope that we're clear that this is my army. [hands the rose to him. Gates sniffs it] There can only be one person of royalty; that's kind of the rules.\nGates: Oh I certainly don't wanna step on your toes. Don't worry, I'm quite good at letting my CEOs do what they want.\nCartman: Your CEOs?\nGates: Let's face it, this is really just about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.\nCartman: Uhhh, hmmm. What?\nThompson: [from his bedroom window] Hahaa! How's it feel?! Now who's walking who through the betrayal garden?!\nCartman: Why don't you stay the fuck out of my business?!\nThompson: Why don't you stay the fuck out of my yard?! [slams his window shut]\nScene Description: Sony Headquarters, Japan, night. The President of Sony is on top of someone, giving it to them, but that person is silent.\nPresident: Ish, ish, ish, o-ish, haishooo! [quickly sits up to deliver the final thrust, then collapses onto his bed. He then rolls over on his back, revealing whom he was having sex with]\nNiles: [with mic in hand] That was amazing sex. I enjoyed it immensely. How about you?\nPresident: [gets a cigarette and lights it.] Tanoshikatta ne. (Yeah, it was fun.)\nNiles: You know, Microsoft has given kids who want XBoxes on Black Friday a lot of support. Seems a shame that the fight will be so one-sided.\nPresident: Eh? Nani kore, tsukareta yo. (What? I'm tired!)\nNiles: Black Friday is about to happen and it's not even gonna be a fight. That's bad for both of us. There must be something you can give to kids who want Sonys to make the fight more even.\nPresident: Hai. [\"Yes.\" He reaches over to his left and grabs a box] Kore ga arimasu. [\"Here it is\" He opens the box and something begins to glow inside]\nNiles: [leans in to see what it is] Yes, I think that will do nicely.\nScene Description: GRRM's Santa Fe mansion. He's now poised to be conductor. He taps his music stand with the conductor's stick. The scene changes to show a chorus of 10 white, middle-aged men in red-sashed, black, concert tuxedos holding musical scores and standing on double row of concert risers facing GRRM. They begin singing\nChorus: [Classical men's ensemble singing in musical round style, as GRRM conducts.] Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener [continues in background]\nSoloist: One wiener, next to another wiener\nChorus: Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener [continues in background]\nSoloist: Two wieners alongside yet another wiener\nChorus: Party, wiener party, wiener party, party party, wiener party, wiener wiener [continues in background]\nSoloist: Soft wieners, nice and soft, non-erect wieners!\nChorus: Keep them flopping, flopping wieners, floppy floppy, dangle wieners, dangle dangle [continues in background]\nSoloist: Five wieners in my face\nScott: Stop! Stop please! I can't take any more! [Chorus is silent]\nGeorge R. R. Martin: But this is the best part. Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned, everyone flaps their wieners all around his face.\nScott: Jeaaaaah!\nButters: [gets off the sofa] Listen, buddy! You promised that pizzas were on the way! If they don't show up right now, you're gonna have a dead kid in your hands! Do you hear me?!\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Okay, okay, fine fine. What kind of pizzas do you want?\nButters: What kind do we want?!\nScott: He hasn't even ordered the pizzas yet!\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Don't worry! They're coming! Not just two pizzas, there's, there's gonna be five! And they're gonna be huge! You won't believe it!\nButters: Come on, Scott! We're leaving! [helps Scott off the sofa, and they're about to leave]\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Wait, I haven't told you what happens yet!\nButters: NO! Black Friday is about to happen, and my friends and I have to be the first ones inside the mall to get XBoxes!\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Well why didn't you say so? I can help with that.\nButters: Whatoyou mean?\nGeorge R. R. Martin: I'll make some calls. I know a way to make sure you're completely prepared for Black Friday! [starts dialing]\nScene Description: Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is at attention. The Sony President and his chief officers are there. The President presents the box to Kenny\nPresident: Sony PS4 no urazuke. Zenbu. Domo sumimasen. [\"For your support of the Sony PS4, I would like to extend my sincere gratitude to all of you\"]\nAide: The President of Sony bids you thanks for all your support of the PS4.\nPresident: Sore kara kono gifuto de Princess no Pawaa agemashou [\"After that, let us give you this gift, the Power of the Princess\"]\nAide: He offers you this gift to once and for all make you an official Princess, and to give you the powers you need to win this war on Black Friday. [The president kneels, opens the box, and shows off the brooch resting within it. Kenny leaves the throne and takes the brooch from its box]\nPresident: Ima kara [\"From now on\"]... Princess Kenny!\nCraig: Wow, Kenny's a Japanese princess.\nKenny: (Wooo!) [as J-pop music plays, Kenny's backyard is transformed. The makeshift thrown becomes a gazebo with a unicorn bust on top, Kenny gets a magical girl look, with big anime eyes, and gets the power of the rainbow, with bubbles, etc. He gets a pet unicorn. The whole scene could be an intro for a Princess Kenny show.]\nScene Description: South Park Mall, night. The 'White Walker' crowd is beginning to cross the street\nGuard 9: Oh God. We're done for!\nRandy: My friends, the time is almost here. Let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall security officers before us. [his phone rings and he picks up] Commander Marsh. ... They're what? ... They're gonna what?!\nScene Description: Outside the mall. The 'Walker' crowd army is closing in on the entrance. Channel 9 News is on the scene\nNiles: Tom, we have breaking news from the South Park mall. In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push Black Friday by one week!\nCrowd: [turns and looks at him] What?\nNiles: The genius idea was proposed by George R. R. Martin, who also suggested \"Fuck it, let's push Thanksgiving to December 3rd.\" For pushing the date, the mall is now reducing Black Friday prices to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall! [the shoppers begin to fight each other] This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face-painting, no doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die! [an elderly man holding up a 96% off flier lets out a dragon's roar]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Previously on South Park. Some clips of the previous episodes are shown as a summary. A clip featuring the Canadian Minister of Health is included just for kicks. The intro follows, with the Wiener song from last episode playing. Then follows the Princess Kenny Japanese anime-style animation. The segment begins at Sony Headquarters. Three men are in the president's office. One looks out the window while the second talks to the president\nExec. 1: Taihen! Mada Microsoft watashi no fune tomatteiru. [\"Bad news! Microsoft is still stopping our ships.\"]\nSony President: Sou ka... [\"I see...\"]\nExec. 2: Sugu, funukenakereba narimasen. Kono Buraku Furaide sugu kuru. [\"We must not back down this soon. Black Friday will soon arrive.\"]\nSony President: Kore ga mondai desu ne? Ima Purincessu Kenni sugoi irimasu! [\"This is a problem, right? I really need Princess Kenny now!\"]\nKenny: Tadaima! [\"I'm back!\"]\nSony President: Oh!\nKenny: Purincessu Kenni reporuto! [\"Princess Kenny reporting!\"]\nExec. 1: Ah! Ikimashita! [His eyes change to loving hearts icons-\"Ah! He has arrived!\"]\nExec. 2: Kawaii na, Purincessu Kenni. [\"Princess Kenny is so cute.\"]\nExec. 1: Un [\"Yup.\"]\nSony President: Hayai de! Purincessu Kennu, arigato! Mondai dayo: XBokusu saisho no Bill Gates watashi no PS4 shipment tomatteimasu! [\"That was quick. Thank you, Princess Kenny. We have a problem: XBox's president Bill Gates is stopping the shipment of the PS4!\"]\nKenny: Hai, Purincessu Kenni assisuto! [\"Yessir! Princess Kenny will assist!\"]\nScene Description: At sea, day. A Sony cargo ship is stopped in its tracks by three smaller Microsoft ships\nCaptain: Baka! Kora wa sugoi cheating desu! [\"Idiot! This is amazing cheating!\"]\nDeckhand: [points to the sky] Ara! Purincessu Kenni! [\"Look! Princess Kenny!\"]\nKenny: Minna-san! Kenni kimasu! [\"Everyone, Kenny has arrived\"]\nDeckhand: [elated] Aaaaah! [His eyes become loving stars]\nScene Description: Return to normal South Park animation style and open on XBox Army headquarters, day. Cartman is in a lawn chair talking to Kyle and Clyde. He's not pleased with what he's hearing.\nCartman: [nose in left hand] He did what?? He flew down in a parachute and he what??\nClyde: Apparently, he stopped Microsoft from blockading the shipment of PS4s to the mall. Looks like he's all over the place winning the console wars for Sony.\nCartman: Because, because what? Because he's cute?\nKyle: Cartman, he's got everyone on Sony's side. We can't stop him!\nCartman: But what does he do besides that he's cute?!\nLiane: [appears in the sliding door] Sweetie, Bill Gates is on the phone for you.\nCartman: Tell Bill Gates to suck my ass, Mom! [she turns around and goes back inside. Cartman reconsiders] Mom? [she looks back at him] Don't seriously tell Bill Gates to suck my ass. Tell him everything's cool and I'll call him in a little bit. [she walks out of view]\nKyle: This would have never happened if you would have let Kenny be a princess in the first place!\nCartman: He's not a princess, he's a DUDE!\nKyle: Well, unfortunately for us, he's now on the other side! We are out of options!\nCartman: So what are you saying, Kyle?!\nKyle: I have an idea. [turns around and walks off a bit] I don't like it, but I think it's the only choice we have.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, night. A huge crowd of people waits to get in, and minor scuffles pop up from time to time. Niles reports\nNiles: Tom, Black Friday is finally almost here, and as you can see behind me, holiday shoppers are really getting antsy. People have been waiting out here since midnight on Thanksgiving. They're cold, they're starving, and there's already been a lot of blood shed over these holiday deals. Joining me now is Rick Tellmore, [balding shopper] who's been out here for six days, and your five year old son was eaten. Is that correct?\nRick: Yes, yes that's right, we had to eat him. We were all sort of starving out here, so we drew straws, and he drew the shortest one.\nNiles: What is it you're hoping to get when Black Friday does finally start?\nRick: A a Blu-ray player. Ninety-six percent off, it's gonna be about 20 bucks.\nNiles: Now, some people might say that eating your child is not very Christmasy. What would you say to them?\nRick: [thinks a long time] Iiii... ate my son for a Blu-ray play-er With a ho ho ho and a jingle jingle jang-le My son got ate and it tasted good ho ho jingle jingle ho ho! [as Niles speaks, he moves off, singing] Ho ho jingle jing-le Jingle jingle jang-le Jingle jingle jingle ho ho!\nNiles: No doubt Christmas is alive and well at the South Park Mall. Back to you, Tom.\nScene Description: PS4 Army's medieval tent headquarters, day. Stan looks over a crude, cardboard, scale model of the mall, with troop locations indicated by Lego men\nStan: Alright, guys, here's the deal: the main entrance to the mall is already blocked by thousands of waiting shoppers. The kids who want XBoxes plan to flank from the left, here. [points to the location] Our best chance of being first inside is finding a way to the mall's back entrance, here. [points to a location outside cardboard Red Robin]\nCraig: At Red Robin?\nJimmy: That's right. Red Robin has doors on the inside that go right out into the mall.\nStan: The key to us being the first ones inside is taking over the Red Robin before Black Friday starts.\nCraig: So how do we take over Black Robin?\nStan: I have no idea.\nPete: [appearing at the tent's entrance] Hey uh, excuse me?\nStan: Yes?\nPete: The uh, XBox fighters are here and they say they wanna switch sides?\nStan: What? [moments later, outside, Stan walks towards Cartman as the two armies face each other]\nKyle: Go ahead and tell him, Cartman.\nCartman: Alright. on behalf of the XBox fighters of Zaron we hereby lay down our arms and give up, okay?\nCraig: Haha.\nCartman: Shut up, Craig! This is very difficult! You guys win, alright?! We'll all play on PlayStation 4s! We still think XBox is the superior machine, but you got too many people on your side, and then Kenny became a Japanese princess.\nClyde: Nobody saw that coming.\nKyle: Look, the truth is, we all have a bigger problem now, and you know it. Nobody is going to get anything if we don't work together against those thousands of other shoppers.\nStan: So, better a PS4 than nothing, is that it? I think we'll take our chances on our own. [turns around and walks away]\nCartman: We know a way inside the Red Robin. [this stops Stan, Jimmy and Craig] You don't think you're the only ones that thought of it. We were going to use the Red Robin entrance too, and we figured out how.\nKyle: Red Robin can be rented out, for wedding parties. If we all chip in we can pay for the deposit to have the wedding party there.\nCraig: Hey, that could work.\nKyle: Let's do this together, dude. [Stan turns around and goes back] Our only shot at playing any next-gen console is by teaming up. If you wanna game on a PS4, then I do too.\nStan: And you swear you'll be okay with that? You won't talk about the XBox being better ever again?\nKyle: [pledges with his right hand up and puts his left hand behind his back] I swear, Stan.\nStan: [turns around] Alright, guys. Looks like we have a wedding to plan. [as he walks away with Jimmy and Craig, the camera reveals that Kyle had his fingers on the hand behind his back crossed during the swear.]\nScene Description: Switch to Princess Kenny anime-style animation. Sony headquarters, day.\nSony President: Taihen. Kono console warusu mada owaranai. [\"This is bad! These console wars aren't over yet.\"]\nExec. 3: Sou desu [\"That's right\"]\nSony President: Un? [\"Oh?\"]\nExec. 3: [holds up a chart showing the projected sales of XBox and PS4 in Japan] XBox to Sony PS4 neku ando neku desu. [\"The XBox and Sony PS4 are neck and neck.\"]\nKenny: Minna-san, ii yo. Purincessu Kenni ganbaru. [\"Everyone, its alright. Princess Kenny will give it her all.\"]\nSecretary 1: Kenni-chan, shitsure desu kedo. Wedding invitation kimashita. [\"Kenny-chan, sorry to interrupt, but a wedding invitation has arrived.\"]\nKenny: Ha? Ueddingu? [\"Huh? Wedding?\" Kenny reads the front of the invitation: \"You are invited to a wedding at Red Robin\"]\nCartman: [Cartman's portrait, anime-style with a beard, voices over as Kenny reads the note inside the invitation.] Kenny-chan, please come home at once. Our two houses have found peace. Come to the Red Robin wedding, and we will accept you as the princess you are. Yours truly, the Wizard King.\nKenny: Waaah? Sugoi-chan. [\"What? Sweet!\"]\nExec. 1: Purincessu Kenni ueddingu irimasu ne? [\"Princess Kenny is going to be in a wedding, right?\"]\nExec. 2: Un. [\"Yeah.\"]\nSony President: Purincessu Kenni, honto ni zenbu arigato [\"Princess Kenny, thanks so much for everything.\"]\nExec. 1: Ki o tsukete, Kenni-chan [\"Take care, Kenny-chan!\"]\nExec. 2: Purincessu Kenni, sayonara! [\"Goodbye, Princess Kenny!\" They all bow]\nKenny: Minna-san, sayonara! Ima, Purincessu Kenni tomodachi ni kaerimasu! [\"Goodbye, everyone! Princess Kenny is going back home to her friends!\" Kenny jumps out the window... and drops straight down. She crashes into the street below and leaves a big puddle of blood]\nMan: Eh?!\nExec. 1: Nande koto! Purincessu Kenni koroshita! [\"Oh my God! It killed Princess Kenny!\"]\nExec. 2: Honto! Purincessu Kenni shindeitta! [\"It's true! Princess Kenny is dead!\"]\nExec. 1: Horaa! [\"Look!\"]\nKenny: [gets up and dusts himself off, then floats in the air] Purincessu Kenni daijobu dayo! [\"Princess Kenny is fine!\"]\nThe office: Ahh, kawaii! [The men's eyes turn to hearts, the women's to happy upside-down U's-\"Ahh, how cute!\"]\nScene Description: Return to normal animation style. The Garden of Andros, yet again. Cartman walks with Stan now.\nCartman: Sir Stan, I was hoping I could talk to you about the wedding.\nStan: Yeah, sure, what about it?\nCartman: I think it's best that when the time comes for the mall to open, we should stay back a bit from the doors. [reaches out for a yellow rose]\nStan: Why?\nCartman: Well, think about it. [hands the rose to Stan, who takes it] The first people inside are gonna have to take on the brunt of the holiday shoppers from the main entrance. It's best we let Butters and Scott Malkinson go first. While they fight, we can simply slip on by.\nStan: Oh, okay I guess that makes sense, but... Butters and Scott won't be able to get their PS4s.\nCartman: Yes, that's true, but, let's face Sir Stan. This is all about you and me getting PlayStations. The rest are simply there to help us... get through-\nThompson: He's lying to you! [Cartman gets annoyed, and he and Stan look at Thompson] They're just acting like they've given up, but it's a double-bluff!\nCartman: Dude! Dude!\nThompson: They're gonna betray you at the Red Robin wedding! He got the idea watching Game of Thrones!\nCartman: Dude, shut the fuck up!\nStan: Who is that?\nCartman: He's just this old crazy guy who gets pissed off because I'm in his garden all the time.\nThompson: They're gonna lock you in!\nCartman: God damn it, shut up!\nThompson: He talked about it in my garden to like three other people! They're gonna lock you in the Red Robin and go get all the XBoxes! That's why he wants you to stay back from the doors!\nCartman: Well why don't you just tell the whole world everything, huh?! Why don't you tell everyone what Prometheus was about while you're at it?!\nStan: Did Kyle know about this?\nCartman: Dude, we're not gonna betray you. Come on! Did you see Prometheus? I don't think the writers even knew what that was about.\nStan: Did Kyle know about this?!\nCartman: [sighs] Kyle thought of it. [Stan bolts out of there] Stan, dude, hold on! XBox One is fuckin' sweet, dude! [with Stan not returning, Cartman looks at Thompson] You're a fuckin' asshole!\nThompson: Fuck you, get out of my garden!\nCartman: I'll shit in your fuckin' garden!\nThompson: Go fuck yourself! [slams his bedroom window shut]\nScene Description: Channel 9 News\nTammy: Well, the wait is over and Black Friday is finally here.\nTom: Niles Lawson is at the scene, and it's about time, Niles.\nNiles: That's right Tom. Mall officials have said they are ready, and doors will open as soon as their guest of honor cuts the ceremonial red ribbon. [shown] This year's ribbon cutter is of course George R. R. Martin, who um, doesn't appear to have shown up yet, [a real-life photo of George R. R. Martin is shown] but uhh, says he is on his way. Just like the dragons and zombies in his novels, he is on his way.\nScene Description: Sure enough, two horses run through frozen New Mexico. One carries George R. R. Martin, the other carries Butters and Scott, who has passed out from lack of eating\nButters: Now just hold on a minute! Well I'm pretty darned sure the fastest way back to Colorado isn't on horseback!\nGeorge R. R. Martin: That may be true, but horses have one quality that is unmatched by any other mode of transportation.\nButters: What's that? [looks around, than below, his horse] Awww! [horse is shown with a huge semi-hard penis.]\nScene Description: Red Robin, day. As the boys and Red Robin workers go about preparing the restaurant for a wedding, Cartman talks to the manager. After hanging up a \"Happy Wedding\" banner, Clyde and Craig come down some ladders\nCartman: Okay, cool, could we set up the two long tables here, like, facing each other, and then another one for the bride and groom back there?\nManager: Uh, I heard a rumor. May I ask, who is it that's getting married?\nCartman: Oh uum, Tom Hanks aaand Beyoncé.\nManager: It's, it's real? It's for real? Oho my God, I love them!\nCartman: Yesh, kewl.\nManager: So Beyoncé is not with Jay-Z anymore?\nCartman: Well, clearly she wouldn't be marrying Tom Hanks at Red Robin if she was.\nManager: Uh, guys, guys, not those tables. Get the good tables. This is VIP, okay?\nCartman: Has anyone heard from Butters and Scott Malkinson? The fuck are they?\nKyle: [rushes up] Cartman, Cartman! I heard that Stan somehow found out about our plan!\nCartman: Yes, he did.\nKyle: Well what the hell are you doing?! This isn't gonna work now!\nCartman: [shushes Kyle up and walks him a few steps] It's fine, Kyle. Everything's been taken care of. Stan won't be telling anybody anything... ever again.\nKyle: [getting alarmed] What the hell did you do??\nCartman: What had to be done so that we can play our games on XBoxes, Kyle!\nKyle: No. Tell me you didn't!\nScene Description: Stan's house, evening. Sharon takes Kyle up to Stan's room and briefs him on Stan's trouble\nSharon: He's not allowed to come out of his room, so you can talk to him through the door.\nKyle: Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.\nSharon: And keep it short. He's in real trouble. He defecated in a nice old man's garden.\nKyle: Ok-okay. [watches her leave, walks over to Stan's door and knocks] Stan? Stan?\nStan: [startled out of his sleep] Huh? Hello? Who is that? [next to him is a glass of milk, a sandwich with a bite in it, and a tin cup]\nKyle: Stan, it's me.\nStan: Get out of here!\nKyle: Dude, I know you're pissed at me right now. You've gotta understand that I did it because I know in my heart that the XBox is better, for all of us.\nStan: You completely betrayed the last bit of friendship we still had.\nKyle: You weren't playing fair, dude. Getting your dad to work part time at the mall wasn't fair.\nStan: [stands and turns to address Kyle] I didn't even know he was working at the mall, Kyle!\nKyle: You didn't?\nStan: ...But you couldn't just ask me. Because XBox people... don't care about the truth. They just care about seamless multimedia connectivity.\nKyle: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry. This whole war has just got us all so screwed up. I just want us to be playing Call of Duty on the right machine.\nStan: You don't understand. I'm never playing Call of Duty with you again.\nKyle: [lets his head fall on the door] Stan, don't say that.\nStan: Get out of here! I'm done with you! [grabs the tin cup and raps it against his bedroom 'jail cell' door as in classic prison movies] Mom! Mom! [Kyle stands up straight] Get him out of here! [Sharon arrives, and Kyle back away from the door] Get him out! [Kyle leaves]\nScene Description: Inside the currently empty South Park Mall atrium, night. Randy addresses the other guards\nRandy: Now listen up: there are only eight of us now. Peterson was a great guy, and he did not deserve to get beheaded like that. Now I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of getting to know people here, getting invested in their personalities and their back stories, and then having them die! [points to the main entrance] When those doors open, we all stick together! If anyone panics, it puts us all at risk! [a blond guard begins to weep] Stay tough, rookie.\nGuard 6: We're not gonna make it, sir.\nRandy: We're gonna make it! You've got a newborn little girl who needs her daddy to make it! I'm not going to let you die, okay?!\nGuard 6: Okay.\nRandy: OKAY?!\nGuard 6: Yes sir! Yes sir.\nRandy: Not one more good person dies on my watch! [all of a sudden, shoppers break through the skylight on the upper level]\nGuard 3: Oh my God!\nGuard 8: They're comin' in through the roof!\nGuard 6: [begins to back away] I can't do this! I'm sorry! I can't do this! [runs off, and now there are seven]\nRandy: Stay at your post! [an arrow pierces the fleeing guard's back right chest. Randy is shown again, holding the bow from which the arrow came] Nooo! NOOO! EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM!! NOOO!\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. A helicopter shot of the crowd outside the mall.\nNiles: Here we go, Tom. George R. R. Martin has finally arrived to cut the red ribbon. [George R. R. Martin is shown behind the red ribbon with scissors in hand]\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to be here this morning on behalf of South Park Mall Partners and channel 9 News, your go-to source for news, weather, and sports.\nShopper 8: Just do it! [the shoppers in front crouch down, ready to run inside]\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Very well. In the tradition of our ancestors, [lowers the scissors to a cutting position] let's bring in the holidays! [more jockeying for position. George R. R. Martin pulls up at the last moment and closes the scissors] But first, I'd like to share with you a few words about my wiener.\nCrowd: AAAWWWW!! [off to one side, where the crowd can't see, the Goth kids approach Red Robin]\nManager: Hey, sorry guys. Red Robin is closed for a special event today.\nPete: Yeah, we know. We're with the wedding.\nManager: Oh great, go right on in. [smiles and lets them in]\nScene Description: Red Robin, inside. The theme is medieval times, with the boys in costume. Both houses - House PS4 and House XBox - are present. Jimmy plays the flute while Craig accompanies him on tambourine in a medieval style song.\nCartman: Everyone! Everyone, a Black Friday toast. How awesome that we are all friends again. Our two houses brought together. Soon we will all have our PlayStation 4s. [all cheer] And to you, my old friend, Princess Kenny. You really look stunning. No doubt the gods have smiled down upon your perky boobs.\nKenny: (My boobs? You flatter me, Grand Wizard!)\nCartman: Now, if you'll excuse my, my lady, I need to take a shit. [leaves the table and goes to the mall-side entrance, where Clyde is keeping watch] What have you found out?\nClyde: The mall isn't open yet. They're waiting for George R. R. Martin to come cut the ribbon.\nCartman: Oh okay, that could be a while. [turns away from the door] All our men are ready. When the mall opens, blow the whistle. We'll rush through the doors and lock the Sony dorks inside. Alright, now I really do need to take a shit.\nScene Description: At the mall entrance...\nGeorge R. R. Martin: O soft and pink with purple head.Gently you lay with me on my bed.\nShopper 9: Get on with it, George R. R. Martin! [the rest of the crowd rallies behind him]\nGeorge R. R. Martin: \"Growl, growl\" calls the wiener from on high A little tiny wiener, still so pleasing to the eye.\nShopper 10: Enough with the wieners already!\nShopper 11: Yeah, come on!\nScene Description: Back at Red Robin... Cartman is back from the restroom and looks over to the mall entrance\nCartman: Clyde? Where the hell is Clyde? Clyde?\nKyle: [approaches Cartman and Kenny's table] Princess Kenny, I believe it's time we returned the Wizard's hospitality! [the PS4 soldiers immediately brandish their weapons and aim them at the XBox soldiers. Tweek advances on Token with an armed bow. Kenny has his sword under Cartman's chin]\nCartman: What the hell is this?!\nKyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. There's been a little change in plans!\nCartman: Sir Kyle, they're about to open the mall! What are you doing?!\nKyle: I am no longer an XBox guy! I let my friend get grounded, but today I will give him a PlayStation!\nCartman: Kyle, the PlayStation controller sucks and you know it!\nKyle: The fight is over, Cartman!\nGates: [walks into view] It's not over. Looks like I came just in time.\nCartman: Oho! Bill Gates! Sweet! In your face, Kyle!\nSony President: [walks into view and speaks in very thick accent] You will not interfere, Bill Gates! These-a children will get their PS4s!\nKenny: (The Sony president's here too, desu ka? [\"Is that the Sony president here, too?\"])\nKyle: Wait a minute. Ha-how the hell did these two guys end up here?\nCartman: They're not a part of your betrayal?\nKyle: No. They're not a part of your betrayal?\nCartman: No. Whose betrayal is this? [the sound of chains comes from the mall entrance - Stan locks the doors, then turns around]\nStan: We're done with betrayals! It's time to put an end to this!\nKyle: Stan?\nScene Description: Inside the mall...\nGuard 3: Sir? Sir, Operations just said they need one of us to unlock the door to Red Robin to let some wedding party inside the mall!\nRandy: Screw them! They'll have to fend for themselves! Wait. Red Robin Wedding? Who's getting married?!\nGuard 3: Tom Hanks and Beyoncé.\nRandy: What?! Oh my God, everyone likes Tom Hanks and Beyoncé! [runs towards Red Robin] I've gotta save them!\nScene Description: Back at Red Robin...\nStan: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Kyle, but I have a better idea! This isn't our war, you guys! It never was. We've been pitted against each other by two companies for the sake of marketing. That's why they want lines around the block. [stops between the two presidents] Because they want a war to promote their products. They don't give a crap what kind of friendships they cost. You two want a war so bad? [throws his sword at the Sony president] Then you fucking fight!\nSony President: Huh? [strokes the wooden sword] Sou...[\"I see...\"]\nGates: Then let's finish it! [begins to unbutton his shirt] You and me!\nSony President: Ikimashou! [\"Let's go!\"]\nGates: [now topless, he is fully covered in MS-13 gang tattoos. Prominent chest tattoo is \"MS-DOS\"] Winner take all!\nCartman: Oh dude, this is pretty sweet.\nSony President: Then let this be your last fight, Bill Gates. [Gates throws the first punch, then follows up with a few kicks. The Sony president comes back with a right hook. The kids look on in horror as the men fight unarmed. Butters finally shows up.]\nButters: Hey, fellas. What did I miss? [smiles]\nScene Description: At the main mall entrance, George R. R. Martin is still expounding on wieners\nGeorge R. R. Martin: Look at this wiener. [unzips his pants] Judge it by its size?Rub it three times and it has a surprise. [Shopper 4 joins George R. R. Martin after George R. R. Martin exposes his penis and opens up a switchblade]\nShopper 4: That's it! You're not delaying this anymore, you wiener-loving bitch! [slices off George R. R. Martin's penis and throws it into the crowd, which cheers wildly. Shopper 4 cuts the ribbon, and the crowd surges into the mall. The six remaining guards are powerless against the crowd]\nGuard 8: Happy holidays, Rick. [grabs Rick's hand and holds it as the crowd surges forward]\nRick: And to you, my friend. [Utter chaos. The guards are overpowered and trampled on. The shoppers break into the stores, destroying windows and looting. One man dies impaled on a broken window. A lot of adults grab \"Stop Touching Me Elmo\"s]\nShopper 12: Grab it Rebecca! Grab it [has her girl stretching out to grab an Elmo from the top shelf. Another woman comes up behind her and hits her with a bat, knocking the Elmo out of the girl's hands. The second woman is herself thrown into a shelf by a man.]\nShopper 2: [Morbidly obese shopper throwing people out of her way left and right] Kiss my fat vagina!\nShopper 13: [combat music starts in imitation of \"Game of Thrones\" credit music as shopper 13 competes with other shoppers to grab items from a cardboard box] Gimme that camera! Give it up! [live-action archived footage from a rush on Cabbage Patch Kids, and more from Walmart and Target]\nRandy: Get back! Get out of my way! [his phone rings and he answers it] Commander Marsh?\nSharon: Did you know that your son is supposed to be grounded and he snuck out to go to Red Robin?!\nRandy: WHAT?? STAN'S IN THE RED ROBIN WEDDING TOO?? OH GOD, I REALLY CARE ABOUT HIM!\nScene Description: Back at Red Robin, Bill Gates finishes off the Sony president with five head smashes into the ground.\nGates: This... is over... Now... you die! {cracks the president's head open and creates a pool of blood, then throwing him into a wall for good measure. The president's brain is exposed. Tired and breathless, Gates walks over to a table and leans on it a little] It's over. Xbox... wins! [no one is happy about this.]\nCartman: [flatly] Yay, XBox wins.\nStan: [flatly] Yay.\nRandy: [unlocks the doors and opens them] Stan! You're alive! I saved you! [falls on to his knees] It's okay, Beyoncé! The fight's over! You can still shop! [falls over, exhausted]\nGates: Go on, kids. [gasps] Go get your XBoxes. [the kids silently leave Red Robin. Music changes to a solo piano playing \"Oh Christmas Tree\" in imitation of \"A Charlie Brown Christmas\". Eleven of them walk through the mall, through a sea of bodies and blood, and up to the second floor on an escalator]\nElmo: [on an adjacent escalator] Can Elmo smell your genitals? [the boys walk over to EVGames]\nEVGames clerk: [unscathed, despite the destruction to his shop] Happy holidays, guys. What can I interest ya in? [the shelf behind him, full of PS4s and XB1s, is surprisingly unscathed]\nCartman: We'd like to get XBox Ones please.\nEVGames clerk: Good choice! [gives the boys a thumbs up]\nScene Description: Channel 9 news report set in front of parking lot full of dead shoppers. \"A Charlie Brown Christmas\" piano music still underscores.\nRandy: [Silently carries a flat panel television past the mass of dead bodies.]\nNiles: Tom, the shopping frenzy is over, and it looks like Microsoft's new XBox One is this year's hot item. No doubt this will secure its place as the go-to next-gen console. Black Friday is over. There's been death, violence, horrible human behavior... and the big winner here, decidedly, is Channel 9 News.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. The eleven who went to EVGames - Timmy, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Token, Kyle, Butters, Jimmy, Cartman, Stan - and Scott are in the living room. Cartman and Stan are playing while the others are behind them, watching.\nCartman: The interface is pretty cool. See, I told you guys, it's really a... it's a seamless interface.\nStan: Yes, it is.\nButters: The graphics are definitely like 10% better than the old XBox.\nJimmy: Yeah that's that's that's pretty nice. [the game falls silent]\nCartman: You guys wanna p-play outside or something? [the boys glance around at each other. Soon the sliding door opens and the boys walk out onto the back yard]\nKyle: Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?\nCartman: I just... I can't get the image of Bill Gates... bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.\nStan: Yeah, I know what you mean. Well look, guys, XBox won the console wars, I mean, what are we gonna do? Not play video games?\nCartman: The last two weeks we've been too busy to play video games and, look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance... I mean honestly you guys, do we need video games to play?\nThe boys: Yeah, you're right. You make a point.\nCartman: Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things. Like, like this. [grabs a stick from the ground] We could just play with this. Screw video games, dude! Who fuckin' needs them?!\nThe boys: Yeah!\nCartman: [holds the stick up high in the sun] Fuck 'em!\nScene Description: Quick commercial. A box for The Stick of Truth appears onscreen\nAnnouncer: The South Park video game, coming to stores soon!\nButters: [pops up onscreen] Yeah, and if you believe that I've got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice\nCheerleaders: Yeah, yeah, do we rock?! Yeah, yeah, take it to the top! Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop?! No way! No way!\nWendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back]\nHeidi: Heidi!\nNichole: Nichole!\nBebe: Bebe!\nLola: Lola!\nRed: Red!\nAnnie: Annie!\nLisa: [slowly steps forward and speaks slowly] Lisa Berger. [this brings down the other cheerleaders]\nAnnie: Oh God.\nRed: Here we go.\nNichole: Ugh.\nBebe: Can we maybe try one without Lisa Berger?\nWendy: You guys, stop it! Okay, Lisa, that's great. But you need to have more confidence, okay?\nLisa: But I'm the fat one.\nWendy: What?\nLisa: Every cheerleading squad has a fat ugly cheerleader and that's me.\nWendy: See, that's the problem, Lisa. You have a bad self-image. Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay?\nHeidi: There's only one boy that Lisa cares about.\nRed: Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters.\nLisa: Shut up!\nWendy: But, Lisa, that's great! Have you told Butters that you like him?\nLisa: No way. I, I'd just get made fun of.\nWendy: Lisa, this is exactly what you need! Take Butters to see a movie or something! It'll do wonders for your confidence!\nScene Description: The cafeteria, later. Kenny, Cartman, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, and Butters are seated at table, with Butters recounting something\nButters: So then, ah, the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and she says \"I\"-\nLisa: Uh, excuse me. Butters?\nButters: [confused for a moment, then looks over his left shoulder] Oh. Yes?\nLisa: Um, well, I was just wondering if... [strokes her hair] maybe... [brings her arm down] you would like to go to a movie this weekend.\nButters: Oh. Oh like a date? Oh no thanks, Lisa. I really appreciate the offer, but you're too fat for me.\nLisa: [casts her eyes down] Okay, thanks.\nButters: See ya, Lisa! [Esther overhears the conversation from the next table and looks over her shoulder at Butters]\nCraig: Haha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl.\nClyde: At least she didn't try to sit on him. [the other boys at the table laugh, except Cartman]\nCartman: You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?\nScene Description: The hallway, later. Butters is at his locker\nButters: Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. [Wendy comes to view at the end of the hall and spots him, then walks up to him] Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, de doo-da day. Oh-\nWendy: [grabs his locker door and slams it shut] What the fuck is your problem?!\nButters: Oh. Hey, Wendy.\nWendy: Are you just an asshole?! Is that it?!\nButters: Am I just an asshole?\nWendy: Yeah!\nButters: Well, m-no. I've got arms and legs; I've got everything.\nWendy: Lisa Berger asked you out and you called her fat?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl!\nButters: Ah, I think she's a nice girl too. She's just too big for me.\nWendy: She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in the fourth grade!\nButters: Well Kim Kardashian is skinny and she just had a baby!\nWendy: What?!\nButters: I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have a different standard when it comes to my women. [opens his locker again. On the door are several pinup posters of Kim Kardashian] I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no splotches on her legs, and perfect everything.\nWendy: [grabs the poster] This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?! Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves!\nButters: You're a liar!\nWendy: Look it up, stupid! [crushes the poster into a wad] In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit! [throws the wadded-up poster to the floor and walks away. As Butters reaches for the poster, Wendy turns around] You're gonna be in real trouble when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl! [turns around and goes around the corner. Butters unwads the poster]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, later. Butters is in there with Mr. Mackey, crying. Wendy walks in a few seconds later\nMr. Mackey: Uh, take a seat, Wendy. I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it.\nWendy: [noticing Butters] Oh, good. Lisa Berger told on you? Good!\nMr. Mackey: Uh no, Wendy, apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit.\nWendy: ...Are you serious?\nButters: You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit!\nWendy: That's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian!\nMr. Mackey: Uh, but, but, Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?\nWendy: Right, but she's not in real life. She's a hobbit.\nButters: Oh, she said it again!\nMr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, Kim might be, uh, full-figured, but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, mkay?! Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, you're jel?\nWendy: I'm not \"jel\", and I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school!\nMr. Mackey: Uh that may be true, but there is a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly!\nScene Description: Room 7, later. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison stands before the class\nMr. Garrison: Okay, kids, there have been some hurtful and hateful things being said around this school, and so we are gonna hear from a guest speaker. Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit, please welcome, Aquaman. [goes to his desk as Kanye West enters the room. The class claps]\nKanye: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right\nCartman: [recognizing him] Uh oh.\nKanye: [enunciating] Okay, first of all, I am NOT Aquaman, I am a recovering... gay fish. Yes, I have met Aquaman. I have hung out with Aquaman. But the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore is my love for the sea. [adjusting his pants] Now! [clears his throat] There have been malicious rumors, started at this elementary school, that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit. That is not funny, and it is not true. [Wendy's eyes are glazing over] Alright?! Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body. Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard. [finds himself trapped by that last statement, and backs up] I'm sorry, excuse me a minute. [calls Kim up and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, how are you not a hobbit again? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah right. Right right right right right, yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. Let me get- okay. Yep, I got it. Okay, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] Okay, if my fiancée Kim... is... a hobbit, then how come... it uh how c- then, okay, if she's a hobbit, then how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? BOOOOOOM! All y'all just got lit up, cuz! She don't live in no hole in the ground, she lives in a big-ass mansion, with me, in her room, that is slightly below ground! So, you can... She, she is sexy, and womanly, and she smokes a pipe. She can blow them rings that go up over her head, and... Hold up.[calls Kim up again and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, you not a hobbit, right? ... No, I know, you just, you smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire... Oh it's a- Oh, okay. Got it, got it- What do you call it? Yep. Yep, got it. Okay. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information! It is a personal oral humidifier to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showin'. So haha, all you haters, HA!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hall when the computer lab door opens and Wendy peeks out\nWendy: Butters. Butters, come here for a sec.\nButters: Oh no, you don't, Wendy! You're not trappin' me inside the computer lab to beat me up!\nWendy: Butters, will you please let me show you something, so we can put this behind us?\nButters: Well, alright, but if you try to punch me, I'll scream! [she goes back inside, and Butters follows her in]\nWendy: I want you to see just how easy this is so we can better understand each other. This is Lisa Berger's class photo, right?\nButters: Okay.\nWendy: Now, first thing we do is Photoshop the bulges on her sides [she trims them down a bit]. We select the eyes [makes the glasses more rectangular and shorter, and adds eye makeup], make them a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on the skin [the freckles go], lengthen the neck [moves the head up], add more to the hair [gives Lisa longer, wavy hair], select the lips and make them fuller [removes the harelip], take out any puffiness on the skin [reduces the cheeks] here, add fullness to the breasts, lengthen the torso, take away that fold of skin [this gives Lisa hips], streamline the shoulders [making the arms thinner in the process], put highlights in the eyes [gives her a nose], and, there.\nButters: That's Lisa Berger?\nWendy: Do you see what I'm talking about?\nButters: She's pretty!\nWendy: That's how people like Kim Kardashian destroy the self-mage of little girls everywhere.\nButters: Hold on. Are you saying that girl wants to go out with me?\nWendy: What? What do you mean?\nButters: And I said no? Oh man, I gotta upload this [sends it off] and then go buy her some flowers and then go tell her I love her. [runs out of the lab]\nWendy: Butters!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, afternoon. Cartman is at his locker. Butters walks into view carrying flowers and a gift.\nButters: Lisa? Lisa Berger? Anybody seen Lisa Berger? [walks over to Cartman] Oh hey, Eric. Have you seen Lisa Berger anywhere?\nCartman: I saw that picture of her you put on the Internet.\nButters: II know! I'm gonna tell her I love her, and we're gonna be together and be happy forever.\nCartman: Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this, but Lisa Berger is going out with Clyde.\nButters: What?! Well since when?\nCartman: Dude, since like, noon or 12:30 today. [next shot is of Clyde walking down the hall with Lisa on his arm as he looks at his phone's screen. Everyone turns and stares at the new couple. They stop at Token at his locker]\nClyde: Hey, Token. Token, check out my girlfriend. [shows him the Photoshopped picture instead of the real deal]\nToken: Wow, she's hot.\nClyde: Yeah, we just started dating seriously. [walks over to Tweek at his locker] You wanna meet my new girlfriend, Tweek?\nTweek: Oh man, you're a lucky guy.\nClyde: Yeah, I know. [walks off. Tweek turns back to his locker. The couple walks by Craig, Kevin, and two other boys]\nCraig: Hey, Clyde. Nice score, dude.\nOther boys: Yeah.\nClyde: Oh, thanks, guys. [they walk by Wendy, who's speechless]\nJimmy: [walks up to Stan] Hey, Stan, did you see Clyde's going out with Lisa B-b-Berger?\nStan: Yeah, dude, she looks amazing. Clyde sent me her pics. [Wendy walks up to them, mad] She got really hot all of a sudden.\nJimmy: Yeah. I wouldn't mind t-tah-t-tappin' that ass.\nWendy: Excuse me!\nStan: Oh, hey, Wendy. Clyde sent me these. Don't be jel.\nWendy: Why would I be jel?\nJimmy: Well, y-you gotta admit, Lisa Berger is pretty hot, Wendy.\nWendy: She's not hot! That's supposed to be the point!\nStan: She looks pretty hot here.\nWendy: Lisa Berger is NOT HOT! She's fat and ugly! [just then, Lisa and Clyde walk past her, but she doesn't see this. Jimmy does, though.]\nJimmy: That's not very nice, Wendy.\nLisa: What's your problem, Wendy?\nWendy: [looks and quickly assesses the situation] I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Lisa.\nLisa: You're just a hater. Why don't you mind your own business instead of being jelly?\nWendy: I am not jelly! I made that picture of you to prove a point, and it's being taken the wrong way!\nClyde: It's okay, babe. Girls who don't have what you have are always going to put you down. [walks off with Lisa]\nLisa: Thanks, babe.\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Wendy is back in there, heh\nMr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, I've tried to be patient with you 'cause you've always been a good student! M'kay?! But calling a little girl fat and ugly is NEVER m'kay!\nWendy: Mr. Mackey, I was trying to show kids that-\nMr. Mackey: No! No excuses! You have a problem bein' jelly, Wendy! Okay?! Just maybe, I should have you sent off to jelly school!\nWendy: Jelly school?\nMr. Mackey: That's right! In fact, I'm gonna call the jelly school right now, okay?! [picks up the receiver and starts pressing keys on the keypad] I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far! I've had it![puts the receiver up to his ear] Hello, is this the jelly school?! ... Okay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly! Uh, see if you can take her in for a few weeks! Okay, you're full? Okay, yeah, I guess she dodged a bullet this time, but she'd better watch her jelly behavior!\nWendy: Mr. Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make.\nMr. Mackey: Yuh, you do? Okay, well I'm not actually on the phone with a... jelly school, Wendy, okay?\nWendy: Yes, I'm... I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, well Wendy, I'm just tryin' to uh- Oh, bye, jelly school. [hangs up the phone] Uh, Wendy, I'm just tryin' to make you understand how serious it is when you lash out at other girls.\nWendy: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, I will... change.\nMr. Mackey: M-okay.\nScene Description: Time Magazine Person Of The Year Award presentation. A man announces the award, a woman holds it up\nHost: Ladies and Gentlemen, it my my honor to give the Person of the Year award to this year's winner, Pope Francis. [fanfare plays as the pope comes out from the audience and goes on stage. He takes the mic]\nPope Francis: Gracias, gracias, all of my children.\nKanye: [rushes up and takes the mic from the pope] Alright hold up! Hold up! I'm sorry pope, but hold up! I just gotta say this! If my fiancée is a hobbit, then uh, [turns away and calls Kim up]Then what, bitch? Okay, yeah yeah [turns back to the audience] Okay, if she... was... if she is a hobbit, then, how come she don't turn blue when goblins are near? [jumps] Oh, you didn't think of that! Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit then! She must be a beautiful, sexy woman!\nPope Francis: [grabs the mic for a moment and enunciates] The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does.\nKanye: Man, get the fuck out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch! [shoves the pope away, and the pope leaves] Who the fuck asked you?! [turns to the audience again] Nobody is talkin' any more shit about my woman! Alright?! She is gorgeous! If she was here, you could all see for yourselves how beautiful she is! But she can't be here because she has a movie comin' out on Friday, directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit! Hold up. [turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, that movie you got comin' out is called The Hobbit?... Yeah, but it- ... What? It's what? Ohhh yeah. Yup. Yeah, I got it. Yup. Yup. Lemme tell them. Love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the audience.] Kim is not even in that movie! That movie is just loosely based on her television show, Keepin' Up With The Kardashians, which is a show about short, loud, little people living in a fantasy world! Hold. Up![turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, if you're the hobbit, you need to let me know right now, 'cause I'm makin' a fool of myself out here!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are performing during a game break\nCheerleaders:: Yeah yeah, do we rock?! Yeah yeah, take it to the top! Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?! No way! No way!\nWendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back]\nHeidi: Heidi!\nNichole: Nichole!\nBebe: Bebe!\nLola: Lola!\nRed: Red!\nAnnie: Annie!\nLisa: Lisa Berger! [the kids all cheer]\nWendy: And I'm your captain, Wendy! [silence. One kindergartner comes out of the bleachers with a picture of Lisa and has Lisa sign it. More cheers, and Lisa waves at the audience]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, after the game. Wendy is upset that she got no cheers from the audience\nRed: Look, Wendy, we are all very happy for Lisa, okay? Nobody here is jelly. But the boys aren't even noticing the rest of us anymore.\nBebe: All we're asking is that you do for us what you did for Lisa and help with our imperfections.\nWendy: I won't do it, you guys! I'm sorry!\nHeidi: Why?! Don't you care about us?!\nWendy: Because it's wrong! If you guys aren't happy with the way you look, then that's your problem! [turns left and walks away]\nLisa: [to the cheerleaders' left] Hey girls. [dressed in a hot outfit] Don't be sad. If you wanna look really hot, like me, you just gotta be willing to sweat. Get down to the gym and work!\nScene Description: Total-Self Image, day, inside. The cheerleaders await instructions from a coach\nCoach: Alright girls, we're gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies. Let's do this! You first! [points to Bebe] Get right up there! [gets on a treadmill. The coach quickly moves around the treadmill and begins taking pictures] Alright, now look here. [Bebe quickly figures out what she needs to do and begins posing. Later on...] Come on, burn it off! You got this! [Bebe is shown editing the pictures the coach just took. She puts blush on her cheeks, lipstick on her lips, blonde eyebrows on her eyes, a fuller body of hair... Next, Red edits her picture. She puts on a cute, tiny smile and eye makeup. Annie removes the fat around her torso and augments her breasts, Heidi gives herself a new hairstyle, Nichole gets more tone and a shorter neck, tighter cheeks, straighter hair, eyebrows, a lighter shade of brown, eye makeup, lipstick, a more level head, fuller lips, breasts. Next is Lisa performing in a video, a parody of \"Work Bitch\". Next is a shot of the girls looking at their Photoshopped selves.]\nCoach: [to Lola] Look at those thighs! Come on, you've gotta push harder! [Lola removes some fat from her midsection and gives herself a bow on her shirt, then straightens out her head. Even Timmy, who isn't a cheerleader, gets the Photoshop treatment. His wheelchair is removed, he's given proper, working legs, his shirt is lengthened and given a collar, he's given more hair and his eyes are made to look forward, his mouth is fixed and he's given a coat. Red drinks from a water bottle while Lola is sweating from the hard work. All the while, Lisa raps]\nLisa: You wanna? You, you, you wanna? You wanna? You wanna look pretty? You want a boyfriend? You want a nice ass? You better work out, slut! You want nice things? You want boys to give you nice things? You better work out, slut! Now get to work, slut! Party in the cookie trough! Party in the cookie trough! Party in the cookie trough! You better work out, whore!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. The boys are gathered on the merry-go-round, looking at pictures of the cheerleaders on Craig's phone.\nThe Boys: Wooowww!\nJimmy: Wow! Wow! She looks great!\nCartman: Whoa, look at Bebe! [her picture is shown] I had no idea Bebe was that hot.\nCraig: Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend? [flips through the pictures until he gets to Nichole]\nThe Boys: Wooowww!\nClyde: Uh, my bitch is still the hottest, you guys.\nButters: No way! Go back to Annie Nelson! She's built like a Slim Jim! [Craig flips back to her]\nKyle: Yeah. Clearly Annie Nelson is the hottest girl at our school. Look at those eyes!\nCartman: Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Kyle? They're like perfect water balloons.\nButters: I do love water balloons. [the boys fall silent and continue viewing the pictures. Stan gets sad and leaves; viewing all those pictures, not one of them of Wendy, disheartened him]\nScene Description: The school hallway, moments later. Wendy is at her locker, and Stan approaches\nStan: Hey, Wendy, uh, can I ask you a big favor?\nWendy: [curt] What?\nStan: A lot of the pictures I have of you are kind of outdated, and um, you know, I wanna be able to show everyone how pretty you are.\nWendy: So you want a Photoshopped picture of me to take away any imperfections, is that it?! How DARE you, Stan?!\nStan: Wendy, why is it such a big deal?\nWendy: Because people should be okay with the way they look! I have pimples on my forehead! My bottom teeth are crooked! So what?! You have short legs.\nStan: [looks down] I do? [kids begin to walk by]\nWendy: Yeah. [begins to point out other kids' defects] And Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders. [The cheerleaders come into view and approach Wendy and Stan. Neither of them notices] The cheerleaders? Bebe has acne. Lola's arms are too short. Nichole's eyes are puffy. Annie has thin hair. [Mr. Mackey walks in on the rant] And Heidi Turner's butt is flat! [Wendy turns to leave, but runs into the cheerleaders and Mr. Mackey] Oh God damn it!\nBebe: [furious] You! HATER!\nMr. Mackey: [incensed] WENDY, IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW! OKAY?!\nWendy: Ugh!\nScene Description: Kanye West video, a spoof of \"Bound 2\"\nKanye (backup singers): (Oh yeah, babe. Oh yeah, baby.) One thing I know, my girl ain't no hobbit. She might be stumpy; that don't mean she a hobbit. She's not a hobbit 'cause she couldn't be. She got no Bagginses in her family tree. Yes on occasion she hangs out with her dwarf friends. But she never went on no quest with her dwarf friends. Except for one time she went to kill that dragon. She took his gold and she- [he stops the video shoot] Hang on a minute, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [calls up Kim yet again] Bitch, remember when you went off to kill that dragon with them dwarves? ... Yeah. Oh yeah. Rightrightrightright, yup. Yup, I got it. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and resumes the shoot.] It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit. That was a Quizno's and my bitch went to rob it. 'Cause they got that ham that she robs on her cellulite. While she drinking her grog and singin' those merry songs... at night... My girl ain't no hobbit. Please God, tell me I'm not engaged to no hobbit. (Kim is not a hobbit.)\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice\nCheerleaders: Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows! Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows!\nHeidi: Heidi!\nNichole: Nichole!\nBebe: Bebe!\nLola: Lola!\nRed: Red!\nAnnie: Annie!\nLisa: Lisa Berger!\nWendy: [slowly steps forward and speaks softly] Wendy.\nNichole, Lola, Annie: Ugh.\nBebe: You suck!\nHeidi: Oh God.\nRed, Annie: Ugh.\nBebe: Can we try this without Wendy?\nLola: I agree!\nLisa: [steps forward] Hey, come on, you guys. She just needs more confidence. [to Wendy] It's okay, Wendy. Who care if no one likes you? Maybe you should go out with Butters.\nWendy: Let's just get back to cheering, okay?!\nHeidi: I don't think so! We don't wanna cheer with a hater!\nBebe: Yeah! You have a bad self-image, Wendy! You need to go down to the gym and get a better one!\nAnnie: Yeah!\nLola: Uh huh!\nRed: That's right!\nWendy: See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself is that you start to believe in your own bullshit! This has gone way too far! [leaves] And if society won't fix it, I will!\nBebe: What are you gonna do?!\nWendy: [stops just outside the gym] Something that should have been done a long time ago! [walks away]\nScene Description: Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson\nAnnouncer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson.\nTammy: A little girl is making big waves with her fight against Photoshop.\nTom: Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger has started a campaign, and tomorrow will speak before the state senate to ban the use of Photoshopped images, saying they're harmful to young girls. [a taped interview is shown.] Young lady, what is your message?\nWendy: Watching what Photoshop is doing to society... Little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can't possibly have! We have to put a stop to it.\nTom: And you're not just... being a hater.\nWendy: ...Nooo.\nTom: 'Cause sometimes, girls who aren't well-liked, you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls. Are, are you well-liked at your school?\nWendy: [thinks about it] Not lately, no.\nTom: Uh huh. But you're not being jelly?\nWendy: NO. That has nothing to do with me wanting to protest against Photoshopped images!\nTom: Okay, because I do understand that the jelly school in Aurora is ready to take you in. Is that right, Rick?\nRick: Tom, I'm standing in front of the jelly school, where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl. We're being told if she doesn't stop the-\nWendy: That's not a jelly school, that's a Dunkin' Donuts!\nRick: [looks over his left shoulder] Well, okay, but, you are a hater.\nWendy: That's fine! [leaves her seat] People can call me whatever names they want to! I don't care! There is a cancer in our country, and I'm not going to rest until Photoshopped images are required to be labeled for what they are! Fake! And nothing in this world is going to stop me!\nScene Description: The Testaburger house, Wendy's bedroom, night. Her bedroom door opens and a silhouette of Kanye is at the door. He walks in and closes the door, walks to her night stand and turns on the lamp. Wendy wakes up, looks, and jumps up\nWendy: Agh! What do you want?\nKanye: [sits on her chair and begins to read a sad story. He sniffs from time to time] Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit who lived in the forest. And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful. And even though she was short and fat and hairy, this little hobbit dreamed that one day she could be pretty like Beyoncé. [clears his throat] And then one day, along came a magic power, called Photoshop. And just like that, poof, the little hobbit was beautiful. And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyoncé, or dance like Beyoncé, or act like Beyoncé, or be a decent human being like Beyoncé, the little hobbit was looked up to and loved, just like Beyoncé! [takes a tissue from Wendy's tissue box and wipes away his tears with it] Soon she had money, and adoration, and a hip-hop fiancée who loved her very much- [turns away, getting choked up] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up, I'm sorry. [returns to reading] Everything was good for the hobbit. But then this mean little girl, called the Jelly Monster, she was sooo jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar, and the hobbit's fiancée realized she was just a hobbit. And you know what he said? He said \"I don't CARE!\" And then the jelly monster came and tried to take the magic power away from the little hobbit, so the hobbit prayed to God, and God said \"Don't worry, little hobbit. I will go find this jelly monster girl, and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart.\" And the hobbit said \"Thank you,\" and the hobbit and God lived happily ever after in the shower forever 'cause I love her so much! [breaks down and cries] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry.\nWendy: Ah, ah I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been jelly.\nKanye: [still a wreck] Sorry, hold up, I'm sorry, it's okay. Hold up, hold on, I'm sorry.\nWendy: No no, I've been a hater, and I really am sorry.\nKanye: Sorry, sorry, that's okay. I've been jelly before too. I'm sorry.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. As kids pass each other in the hall, Wendy is in the computer lab looking at her picture. She begins to edit it, First she gives her hair a new style, then lifts her beret an inch or two, and shrinks her head. She makes more changes and tears begin to well up in her eyes. She now has hips, breasts, lipstick, blush, eyebrows and eyelashes. She's done, and clicks the Send button, which brings up a confirmation box which asks \"Mass Email File 'My Pic'?\". She moves the cursor to \"Yes\". The mouse doesn't move after that, and she clicks on \"Yes\". She wipes away her tears, pushes herself away from the computer, and leaves the computer lab."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, outside. The rising sun beats brightly on the town. Bouncy music plays as the boys' houses are visited. ] Cartman's room. He's awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking.\nCartman: Boner balls. Boner balls-boner... Boner forest. Dense... boner forest.\nScene Description: Stan's kitchen. Stan is at the breakfast nook eating Astro Pops in milk, and he too is thinking.\nStan: Pungent crotch sweat. Pungent milk- milky crotch spooge.\nScene Description: The bus stop. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny await the bus.\nKyle: Barking vaginal belch.\nCartman: Protruding vaginal boner.\nKenny: (Dilapidated titties incorporated.)\nCartman: Oh, I like that. [the bus rolls up and the boys get on board]\nScene Description: Inside the bus.\nButters: [pops up out of his seat and looks behind it] Rotten boobie turds!\nStan: Nah.\nKyle: Bloody butt cough.\nStan: [passively] Uh huh.\nScene Description: A Law Office. Stan reads possible site names from a list he compiled from his friends' suggestions to a live domain name registrar.\nStan: Angry Clit Spasm\nRegistrar: [types the name into a who is and waits for results] Nope, sorry.\nStan: Whooping Fart Balls.\nRegistrar: Nnnnnope.\nStan: Lubricated Titty Burgers.\nRegistrar: That's taken too.\nStan: [frustrated] Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge!\nRegistrar: Sorry.\nCartman: Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge is taken too?! Come! On!\nKyle: How are we supposed to name our startup company if every name is already taken?!\nRegistrar: I told you, you just have to be really original with with your company name. There's a lot of startup company these days. [the boys look at each other]\nCartman: Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On The Table, Incorporated!\nRegistrar: That's available! Congratulations!\nScene Description: The Kickstarter Web site. A new project appears on it: \"Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC.\"\nScene Description: Stan's room. There should be five boys there, but Cartman is missing.\nKyle: It... doesn't... quite roll off the tongue.\nStan: Dude, we're not gonna get any attention with that name.\nButters: Man this sucks!\nRandy: [opens the door and peeks in] Uhhh, Stan? Aren't you supposed to be in school?\nStan: No. Dad, we don't need school anymore. We're forming a startup company.\nRandy: A startup company? A company that does what?\nStan: No, we don't wanna do anything.\nKyle: Yeah, that's why we wanna have a startup company.\nButters: Yeah, we're sick of school! But all the good attention-getting startup names are taken.\nRandy: Wuhuhull, boys, there's more to starting a company than having a catchy name.\nStan: ...Nnnno, there isn't. [turns back to his computer and fleshes out the project]\nScene Description: The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs down the sidewalk\nCartman: You guys! You guys, it's awesome! Holy shit you guys! [runs up to Stan's door and enters the house. He runs into Stan's room] You guys, I've got it!\nStan: What?\nCartman: It's the greatest startup company name EVER! [Kyle and Stan move in closer to Cartman]\nKyle: What?! Tell us!\nCartman: Washington. Redskins. [Kyle and Stan look at each other]\nKyle: Washington Redskins?\nCartman: It's sooo sweet!\nStan: I'm pretty sure that's taken, Cartman.\nCartman: It's not, dude! Some dumb court-thingy, and the trademark got pulled! You can use it! Aaand the logo!\nStan: [lowers his head and strokes his chin] Washington Redskins. [raises his head] I like it!\nKenny: (Me too!)\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: Dude! There's already brand name awareness and it's instantly recognizable!\nKyle: Wait. Guys, this, this doesn't seem legal.\nCartman: Kyle, you're not hearing me! The trademark has been pulled! We can do whatever we want!\nScene Description: And so the boys get busy setting up a Washington Redskins office in town. Stan and Cartman put up a Redskins banner behind the desk. Kenny decorates the front of the desk. Stan finishes his part of the work and climbs down.\nStan: [walks up to Kyle] You alright dude?\nKyle: Yeah, I just... well I just thought our company name would be more like uh... or-original\nCartman: [climbs down the ladder and joins Stan and Kyle] It's a strong name, dude. It's like aggressive and masculine like Boner Forest, but Boner Forest was taken.\nKyle: Yeah, but maybe we need a name that's more affirming, like, shows what we stand for.\nCartman: We don't stand for anything. Remember our company plan, guys! [walks up to an easel with a 4 Point Plan on it] Start up, cash in, sell out, bro down.\nKyle: I'm just not sure this is the name people are gonna give money to.\nButters: [at the computer] We already got a dollar!\nStan: What?! [Cartman walks up to Butters]\nButters: One dollar pledge!\nKenny: (Yahoo!) [begins to dance]\nCartman: I told you guys! \"Washington Redskins\" totally gets people's attention!\nButters: Another two dollars!\nKyle: No way!\nCartman: Sittin' on our asses, here we come!\nScene Description: News 4 Update\nNews 4 anchor: Another new startup company is gaining a lot of attention on the Internet. They're a company that does absolutely nothing, and they're called, the Washington Redskins. [the page loads and someone is scrolling through it] The Redskins started as what appeared to be some kind of adolescent prank, but almost overnight it has become one of the most heavily funded projects on Kickstarter. [scroll over, next is a teen boy] Why did you give five dollars to the Washington Redskins Kickstarter?\nTeen boy: I dunno, I just. Uh. They don't do anything, that's pretty sweet. I dunno, I thought it was funny.\nCartman: [on a video on the Kickstarter site] By pledging just one or two dollars, you are helping us in our fervent quest to not have to do stuff. If you pledge $10 or more, you will receive this luxurious company micro badge.\nNews 4 anchor: It's called crowd-funding, using the Internet to raise money without having to pay back your investors, a tactic that some believe is unfair and impersonal.\nScene Description: The new Redskins office. Cartman takes a call\nCartman: Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself. [Butters walks across the room] Sure, we'd be happy to take your money. Yup. Go to our Kickstarter page. Okay, nice, idiot. Uh huh, fuck you, bye bye.\nBusinessman: [walks in with two other men] You are Eric Cartman?\nCartman: Yes, I know.\nDan Snyder: My name is Dan Snyder. I'm the president and owner of the Washington Redskins\nCartman: Oh, cool. Please take a seat.\nDan Snyder: Thank you, but I will stand.\nCartman: Nice, I like that.\nDan Snyder: Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington Redskins for your organization.\nCartman: Stop? But why?\nDan Snyder: Because we are the Washington Redskins, and we are a football team! You have NO right to use our name to get attention!\nCartman: Uhhh, the trademark got pulled so I'm totaly free to use the name, actually. [phone rings, Eric reacts] Um, Butters, could you get that?\nButters: [next to the phone, answers it. Stan is on his iPhone] Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself.\nDan Snyder: Look! Don't you see that when you call your organization \"The Washington Redskins\", its offensive to us?\nCartman: How is it offensive?\nCoach: How is it offensive?! Jesus, what-?!\nDan Snyder: We are a proud team, Mr. Cartman! We have no wish to be associated with people who actively do nothing!\nCoach: Makes us feel like a joke\nCartman: Guys, guys! We have total respect for you! When we name our company \"Washington Redskins,\" it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people. [grins, knowing that's not the reason.]\nDan Snyder: Uh, I know I can't legally make you stop using our name, but, but won't you just do it out of decency?\nCartman: Mmmm, noooo, Because I don't want to. Aaaand we can't just change the name of our company 'cause it's like super hard. But hey, from one Redskin to another, go fuck yourself. [the men, dejected, turn and walk out the door]\nScene Description: A Redskins jet in the sky. Snyder sits alone in it\nRobin Meade: All around the world, people are saying they are inspired by the Washington Redskins. The Internet startup company has raised so much money in Kickstarter that now, more groups are doing the same.\nReporter: [a reporter speaks as Snyder looks over hit masses pool] More news on the Washington Redskins tonight. Their defiant. F-You attitude has now caught the attention of the terrorist group ISIS. The terrorists said they admire the Washington Redskins and want to try it and follow their business model.\nA caller: [a newspaper falls out of a car, and Snyder picks it up and reads it] Well, let's not forget, Marsha that there's a people here, okay, who are not happy about the use of the name, the Football Washington Redskins!\nWoman: Well yeah, but does anyone really care about them? [he turns to the camera and sheds a tear, in the manner of Indian Eyes Cody (Espera Oscar de Corti)]\nScene Description: Back at Washington Redskins headquarters...\nCartman: Dude, this is sooo cool! We only have six days to go before all the money pledged to our company becomes liquid!\nKyle: [enters with Stan] Guys, we need to talk to you. I really don't think we wanna be a company that ISIS looks up to. We should maybe issue a statement saying that we don't sanction them.\nCartman: Oh no. No, you guys. We started this company to do nothing. If we start doing stuff now, it'll put it all at risk!\nKyle: People aren't gonna support our company if we dig in our heels and say we don't care about anything!\nCartman: Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion us what the Washington Redskins are all about! [pounds the desk a couple of times.] Now come on, guys! If you wanna be a successful business, then you have to be honest about what you are! [pound] Once you take a stand on something, you're pretending like your company is about more than money. Then all of a sudden you're the NFL and and your players get caught molesting little boys!\nKyle: That's the Catholic Church!\nCartman: NFL, Catholic Church, same thing! Okay, let's use the Catholic Church! You take a moral stand on issues, you say you're about honor and integrity, and the next thing you know, your clergymen are getting caught beating up their wives in an elevator!\nKyle: That's the NFL!\nCartman: It's the same thing, Kyle! The point is, if we as an organization claim to be about high morality, somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator and it's most likely going to be Butters.\nButters: [gasps] Oh no!\nKyle: All right, I really don't want to have to do this, but... I'm not happy with the direction this company is taking.\nCartman: Well, what are you gonna do? Go back to school? I'm not going back there, man!\nKyle: Maybe I'll start my own company.\nCartman: Well that's fine! You can't call yourself \"Washington Redskins!\"\nKyle: I don't want to! It's a stupid name! [eerie music plays for a few seconds]\nCartman: Well, I guess everything's out on the table now, huh Kyle?\nKyle: Yeah. I guess... I guess everything is.\nCartman: Stan? Do you think our name is stupid too?\nStan: I don't know, I... But I don't know if my future is with this company either.\nCartman: Well then, I wish you both well in your new venture. Good-bye. [Kyle and Stan walk out the door. Butters begins to follow them, but stops in his tracks.]\nButters: Hang on, is this the company where I don't get raped? Yeah, he-here, right? Okay, I'm uh stayin' here.\nScene Description: NFL Headquarters\nDan Snyder: Is the league just going to sit by and while my team and my players are compared to ISIS. You have to do something, Commissioner Goodell! What are you going to do about this?!\nGoodell: [sound clips come out of his mouth, indicating he's a robot] I will get it right, and do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.\nDan Snyder: What?!\nGoodell: We will continue to identify and add expertise to our team.\nDan Snyder: That's the most ridiculous nothing answer I've ever heard! What are you gonna do now?!\nGoodell: Everyone will participate in educating sessions starting in the next month.\nDan Snyder: Ugh! This thing is broken!\nGoodell: We can add... and we will do more, do more, do more [winds down and continues in a high pitch]\nDan Snyder: Get all the NFL owners on Skype! This thing is broken again!\nScene Description: Skype session\nDan Snyder: And so I call upon the help of all owners. You cannot let my people be belittled like this!\nJim Irsay: Dan, you don't wanna be dealin' with this stuff. Let the Goodell-bot do it.\nDan Snyder: The stupid thing isn't working!\nGoodell: [starts up again] I will get it right.\nSteve Bischiotti: Man, that thing hasn't worked right since we bought it.\nDan Snyder: Look, my team is starting to lose hope. You have to use your influence to make these people change their name.\nPaul Allen: Did you tell them we're about honor and integrity?\nAlex Spanos: If the Goodell bot is broken, we must stay out of it more than even usual!\nDan Snyder: And so I'm alone? What if they ridicule the 49ers team next? Or make fun of Jerry Jones because his eyes are too far apart?\nJerry Jones: My eyes aren't too far apart!\nPaul Allen: If we get them to change their logo, will it make you happy?\nDan Snyder: Uh I guess we can live with that.\nJim Irsay: Then it is decided! We will make them change their logo. Begin mas behind-the-scenes under-the-table enforcement of our wishes NOW\nOwners: Go! [all screens go blank]\nDan Snyder: Thank God!\nScene Description: A Washington Redskins announcement. Lots of cheering and applause. Cartman steps on stage before a giant Redskins logo\nCartman: Fuck youuuu, fuck youuuu. Fuck you up there! Fuck you! \"Fuck you.\" Those words mean a great deal to us. They help us express just how we as a company... see things differently. There are a lot of startup companies on Kickstarter, but after today I think you'll agree that Washington Redskins is the most exciting. As you know, the Redskins have been on the forefront of Kickstarter as a company that is always finding new and exciting ways to tell people to go fuck themselves. And now, our company is thrilled to show you all the latest innovations we've come up with. [An image of the office appears, with the new changes] To begin with, we have moved the couch from the left side of the office to the right side. But we didn't stop there. We also added a new rug that goes better with our office drapes. And probably most exciting of all, we have actually updated the company from the inside out. We received a lot of pressure from certain communities to change our Redskins logo. As a company we want to be firm, but we also want to be flexible. And so we thought, if we have to change our logo, it should be more in step with today's times, but still define us as the leading Kickstarter company. What we came up with is the new company logo that I think you'll all agree is very exciting. [a pair of tits and male genitalia are added to the original logo, to much cheer and applause] Now when people hear the name \"Redskins\", they will immediately think \"titties\" and \"balls\". It's just a bold new way that we can say \"We don't fucking care.\" Go Redskins! [cheering and applause]\nScene Description: Kyle's room. He and Stan are discussing their new company - it's \"Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC.\" resurrected\nKyle: It's so awesome, dude. Our company already has a hundred backers. And we still have 14 days to go!\nStan: Yeah...\nKyle: You okay, bro?\nStan: I just... never saw myself owning a company called \"Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC.\"\nKyle: Give it time, it'll grow on you.\nStan: Why don't we just call it \"Untitled Startup Company\"?\nKyle: Because that sounds like we don't have anything, We've been through this already, Stan!\nStan: Yeah, I know that. But a good company should never have seven words in its title.\nKyle: Well whattaya mean?\nStan: I just feel that somewhere out there, there's a perfect startup company name. And I need to be free to go find it.\nKyle: Oh. Well, I certainly don't want you to feel that \"Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table\" is holding you back. [Stan slowly walks to the door, then turns around]\nStan: Good luck with your company, dude.\nKyle: Yeah. Good luck with yours. [Stan leaves and closes the door]\nScene Description: Kickstarter Headquarters, night.\nEmployee: It's just... incredible, Harry. Everyone is using Kickstarter for everything!\nHarry: And for every project funded, we get 5%.\nEmployee: It's like, we don't even have to do anything and we just make money.\nHarry: Sitting on our asses, here we come.\nScene Description: Kickstarter, moments later. Tribal music comes up. Dan Snyder rises from the bushes\nDan Snyder: Caw-CAW, Caw-CAW. [his football team rises from the bushes and gather behind him] HooHOO, hoohooHOO. [other players appear and they all move in. A player sneaks past a Kickstarter employee]\nEmployee 2: [lowers his cup] Huh? [goes back to sipping coffee. Two more players sneak past him, and #88 tackles him moments later. Number 28 tackles another employee. Pretty soon all the employees are targeted. Two players make it to the servers and head-butt them, causing damage to them. Number 48 kicks the head off one of the employees. An uninjured female waits for an elevator. The doors open, she goes in, and number 28 spooks her. She screams. Later, Kickstarter is in flames]\nScene Description: South Park, morning\nCartman: Goooood morning, guys!\nButters: Happy Deadline Day!\nCartman: We made it, guys. We cab finally stop doing stuff and see just how much our company made in 4, 3, 2, 1 that's the deadline!\nButters: Oh boy, this is like Christmas morning!\nCartman: [tries to visit his page, but it's not coming up] What the hell? Can't find the server? [tries again] Kickstarter.com! [not found] Kickstarter. Where is Kickstarter?! Get it up on the phone, Butters. Come on, I wanna know how much our company is worth!\nButters: It's not coming up on my phone either. I... Holy Mother Mary!\nKenny: (What?!)\nButters: Somebody raided Kickstarter and they burned the building to the ground!\nCartman: What?!\nButters: Somebody killed Kickstarter!\nCartman: Who the hell would burn Kickstarter to the ground?! [gasps] Oh my God! That weird little Jewy guy! Kyle!\nScene Description: Kyle's room. He's having trouble accessing the site too.\nKyle: What the hell is wrong? \"Can't find the server\" Kickstarter. [Cartman barges in with Butters and Kenny in tow]\nCartman: You son of a bitch!\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: You broke Kickstarter!\nKyle: No, I just can't get it to load.\nCartman: Nobody can! It's gone! You just couldn't take it that our company was more successful than yours would ever be!\nKyle: My company was on Kickstarter too! Why would I get rid of it?!\nCartman: Well, somebody did!\nStan: It doesn't matter, you guys. There's something a lot more important here. [walks up to the boys] Do you guys remember when we first decided to start a company together? We all had a common goal. And we weren't gonna let anything stop us from getting to the bro down. But somewhere between starting up and selling out we... we lost our way. We can't do this on our own. We need each other.\nKyle: He's right. We should do a merger.\nCartman: [shocked] A merger?! It's too late for that, you guys! Kickstarter is gone! We don't have a company! We don't have anything! [begins walking out the door]\nKyle: Yes we do! We have a sweet name. [Cartman turns around] I was wrong, Cartman. \"Washington Redskins\" is the perfect name. I think maybe I was jealous that I didn't come up with it.\nCartman: [steps forward] It is really sweet.\nStan: And we always said that all we needed was a sweet name and the rest would figure itself out,\nButters: Yeah, we can do it, fellas! It'll be like old times!\nKyle: Whattaya say, Cartman?\nScene Description: Third Redskins announcement. Cartman comes out on stage again to cheers and applause\nCartman: Fuck you! Fuck you, everyone. Yes, fuck you all, thanks! [the cheering and applause die down] How do you stay relevant in a volatile marketplace? As you know, our goal at Washington Redskins is to not do anything, and make money not doing it.\nKyle: [joins Cartman onstage] When Kickstarter went down, many saw their startup projects die, but here at Washington Redskins, we saw opportunity. People still need a way to raise money for their stupid startup projects, and with the Redskins you can now go fund yourself. [The modified Redskin logo fades to a single line saying \"GO FUND YOURSELF\"] And the idea is simple. You, the people, go out and raise all your own money, and give the Washington Redskins 5%.\nCartman: You will literally be giving us money for doing absolutely nothing. It is the biggest \"fuck you\" we have ever come up with. But we didn't stop there, because a new company direction also means, of course, a new and improved logo. [The neo logo comes up - it's two of the old logo, with titties and balls and penises, one taking the other from behind. This receives cheers and applause]\nCartman and Kyle: Go Redskins!\nScene Description: Arlington Stadium. A helicopter shot of the stadium\nAnnouncer: A beautiful night in Arlington, Texas as the Dallas Cowboys get set to take on the Washington Redskins. That is, of course, Washington Redskins the football team, not Washington Redskins, the audacious crowd-funding company.\nCommentator: Yeah, and if you ask me, the Redskins are a scam.\nAnnouncer: You're talking about the crowd-funding company- Redskins, right?\nCommentator: That's right. An-and now you've got terrorist groups like ISIS using the Redskins to raise their money. I-I don't like what the Redskins are doing.\nAnnouncer: Those Redskins\nCommentator: Yeah, whatever.\nScene Description: The Visitors locker room. The Redskins sit there looking morose, even their owner Dan Snyder. Somber Native American music play\n#35: It's over. Our name has been reduced to a stereotype and a joke.\n#59: Yeah, let's just go home.\nDan Snyder: No. No, we cannot give up! We have been through too much together. We have fought Eagle, and Bear! The Eagles only beat us by three points.\n#92: Yeah, but I just feel pretty stupid wearing this now.\n#72: Yeah.\n#35: Come on, guys.\n#8: Where will we go? What will we do? [and with that his players desert him]\nDan Snyder: Don't let them break you! Don't let them win! [as kickoff approaches, a Native American drumbeat starts up]\nAnnouncer: And the Cowboys are still set to kick off, but there doesn't seem to be anyone to kick off to.\nCommentator: Yeah, and Jerry Jones must be happy this means a forfeit, another win for the Cowboys. [with his bright chameleon eyes and a woman popping up from between his legs, he must indeed be happy. Mellow Native American music joins the drumbeat]\nAnnouncer: Wait a minute, it appears a lone Redskin is making his way out of the locker room. [Dan Snyder comes out, not in uniform, but willing to face down the Cowboys. The referee blows the whistle and the game starts.] The Cowboys kick it off. [Snyder catches it, but the Cowboys quickly pile up on him, then get off]\nDan Snyder: [dusts himself off] Hut! Hut Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off] Hut hut hut. Hut Hut Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off. He's quite beat up now] Hut. Hut hut hut. Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. The crowd finally reacts]\nCrowd: Oh!\nFan wearing #3: Just stay down! For the love of God!\nDan Snyder: [barely able to move] Hut hut. Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off]\nFan wearing #74: Stop! Make it stop!\nFan wearing #82: Just stay down!\nAnother fan: Please!\nFan wearing a blue star: Just make him stay down!\nOther fans: Go Redskins! Go Redskins!\nScene Description: Washington Redskins, now a crowd-funding company. Stan is at the armchair sipping Coke, Cartman is kicking back on the couch, Butters is at the desk working a paddleball, Kyle reads from a book, and Kenny is on a tablet\nStan: Boy, this is the life, huh guys?\nButters: We finally did it!\nCartman: I just might sit here until my ass fuses into the couch. [a brick flies in through a window and shards flow into the room]\nKyle: What the heck is that? [the boys leave the building to investigate]\nScene Description: Outside headquarters, they face a protest\nCartman: Whoa, whoa! What?\nProtestor #1: Change your name!\nProtestor #2: It doesn't belong in today's society!\nKyle: Change our name?\nStan: But you all thought our name was sweet.\nProtestor #3: There's nothing sweet about a people who were decimated. A once proud nation that finally lost hope and left their leader to be massacred by Cowboys in a defiant last stand!\nKyle: When was that?\nProtestor #4: Last night.\nProtestor #5: Until you change your name, we are asking all your subscribers to boycott you.\nISIS spokesman: That's right! ISIS will no longer use your insensitive company for its fundraising!\nCrowd: Yeah! Alright!\nProtestor #1: Good for you, ISIS!\nKyle: Well what the hell do we do?\nCartman: [sighs and his voice drops] I guess we gotta go back to school. [they boys turn left and walk away, their heads hanging down. The protesters keep cheering until they're gone.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are indeed back at school, their crowdfunding venture having fizzled on the fires of an offensive trademark. Students head to their classrooms. The main four come in looking bright and ready to go\nKyle: Hey guys!\nStan: Morning!\nCartman: How's it going, everybody?\nKyle: Sup, Jason? [Jason turns and walks away angrily]\nCartman: Hey dude. Sup? [they encounter Token, Craig, and Jimmy.]\nCraig: What are you guys doing here?\nCartman: What do you mean? We're just... going to school.\nJimmy: I thought you guys said you didn't need school.\nToken: Yeah, you said you had a startup company and that school was for douchebags.\nKyle: Oh! Tha-oh, yeah, the the startup company thing didn't really work out.\nCraig: But you told us all to go fuck ourselves.\nCartman: Ogh! Noo, noo, you guys, guys, what what we said was-\nCraig: [keeps pressing] You told us your company was gonna make $10 million, and the rest of us could go fuck ourselves.\nKyle: We were- trying to be funny.\nJimmy: Yeah well, no one's laughing, Kyle. [Token, Craig and Jimmy split up, then everyone else goes their separate ways. Moments later, Wendy is shown at her locker]\nStan: [walks up] Hey Wendy.\nWendy: You're... back?\nStan: Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out.\nWendy: [sarcastic] Oh wow, I'm shocked.\nStan: So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie-\nWendy: You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be \"free to chase your dreams\".\nStan: Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing.\nWendy: Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be [does air quotes] \"dripping in bitches\"?!\nStan: Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says? [Wendy closes her locker and faces him]\nWendy: I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love! [turns around and walks away]\nScene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman looks around\nCartman: Dude, people are pissed off at us.\nKenny: (Yeah, it's fucking crazy!)\nKyle: Doesn't anyone understand the significance of \"I'm sorry\" anymore?\nCartman: Yeah! Well said, Kyle! Good point! What, what happened to the significance?\nKyle: Well, I guess let's just be thankful we're not Butters. They won't even let him come back to school.\nScene Description: Faculty room\nPricipal Victoria: All right everyone, thanks for coming. As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch, who set fire to the school gymnasium and is now asking to come back. Are we all set to start?\nWoman: Almost. We're just waiting on Mr. Mackey. Again.\nMr. Adler: Awww, do we need Mackey here?\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, all he's gonna talk about is how he's gluten-free now and feels sooo fuckin' amazing.\nPrincipal Victoria: Well, you have to admit he does look a little better.\nMr. Adler: He doesn't look any different to me.\nPrincipal Victoria: In the cheeks, you don't think he looks a little fuller?\nMr. Garrison: It's just the new diet fad! [a door opens]\nMr. Mackey: Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get my own breakfast because I figured y'all would be having doughnuts, but I'm actually gluten-free, so I can't have doughnuts, m'kay?\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, Mr. Mackey, we're all aware that you're gluten-free now.\nMr. Mackey: I'm just sayin' that I personally feel sooo fuckin' amazing\nMr. Garrison: [exasperated, face in his hands] Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please?\nPrincipal Victoria: Right, so the issue, as you all know, is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off.\nMr. Mackey: That's probably gluten, m'kay?\nCoach: Oh, God!\nMr. Mackey: Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability, and nearly all behavioral problems,\nMr. Garrison: I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore.\nMr. Mackey: See, that's probably the gluten talkin', uhkay? If you cut out gluten, you don't ever get pissed off.\nPrincipal Victoria: [surprized and interested] Really? Mwell I might just give this gluten-free thing a try. How does it work?\nMr. Garrison: Oh, no, don't try- oh God, here we go.\nScene Description: The school gym, day. Gutted by the fire, but not condemned. The fourth graders are inside during their PE period. The girls jump rope, the boys try to make baskets through a badly damaged hoop. Other boys toss basketballs at each other, while Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit on the burnt bleachers.\nKyle: I don't know what we're going to do? It's been like four hours and people still won't talk to us.\nKenny: (Right. What the fuck is going on?)\nCartman: You know what we gotta do, guys? [gets off the bleachers] We've gotta throw a big fuckin' party\nKenny: (A party?!)\nCartman: Yeah! How do you make everyone like you? You have a big party and invite everyone and then everyone thinks you're cool!\nKyle: Dude, that would have to be like, the best party ever.\nCartman: Well I'm down. Between the four of us we can throw the sweetest party ever, and these assholes won't even remember us being dicks to them.\nKyle: [joins him on the floor] Hey, that might work. But it can't be a party for us.\nCartman: Right, it's gotta be an awesome party for...\nStan: [joins them on the floor] For someone that we love who needs us and that we refuse to bail on!\nCartman: What?\nKyle: No no, he's right! We've gotta make it for someone in need so that people have to go.\nCartman: We lure people in with a cause and then hit 'em over the head with the best party ever. We're gonna have pizza and cake and a sweet band!\nKyle: A band! Holy shit, Stan! Didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?\nStan: Yeah, he said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something.\nCartman: Oh my God, we've got Lorde to play live.\nKenny: (This will be awesome!)\nCartman: So who do we throw the party for?\nStan: What do you mean? We have a friend who needs us right now, and we can't let him down. [Pink's \"Get This Party Started\" begins to play, which serves as transitional music to the next scene]\nScene Description: WSPIC 88.3, on air. The Camera pans down to the DJ\nDJ: All right, that was \"Get This Party Started\" and joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever. Is that right, boys?\nKyle: Yeah, it's going to be this weekend.\nCartman: You know, we just wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time.\nDJ: Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?\nCartman: You, you know diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.\nStan: Yeah, and we just- you know, we, we just can't turn our back on him.\nDJ: Must be pretty special having a big party in your honor, Scott. How does it feel?\nScott: I actually have plans this weekend.\nCartman: \"I actually have plans this weekend. I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got diabetes.\"\nDJ: All right, well, we've got lots of people callin' in. Caller, what's your question?\nCraig: Are you guys making this up?\nKyle: Nope! We're gonna have all the pizza you can eat, twenty different cakes, and Lorde is going to play live!\nCraig: All the pizza we can eat?\nCartman: Believe it, dude.\nCraig: All right, this better be good.\nDJ: All right, it's sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going craaazy!\nStan: Sweet!\nDJ: Next caller, what's your question?\nPrincipal Victoria: Yes, will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?\nStan: Excuse me?\nPrincipal Victoria: Well I've been gluten-free for about a day now, and I have to say I feel sooo amazing. I just want to make sure there's food for all of us.\nDJ: Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment?\nMark: Yeah, I agree with the last caller. I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad, and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich. It's like \"Get your second-hand gluten away from me!\"\nDJ: All right, all right, next caller, you got a question for the boys?\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, I swear, if I hear another person talking about being gluten-free I'm gonna piss in their face.\nCartman: What the hell is gluten?\nScene Description: Park County community center, night. Most everyone in town is at the meeting tonight.\nJohn Garner: Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.\nRandy: [To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?\nJohn Garner: People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say \"Well there's fat in butter too,\" but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?\nMr. Garrison: Yes, thank you!\nJohn Garner: Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.\nMr. Mackey: Then eat it!\nJohn Garner: Excuse me?\nMr. Mackey: If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?\nJohn Garner: [looks at the gluten, then at the audience, then moves the gluten to his lips] Yeah. Alright. [sips it down] Dup, dup. [his body contorts as he groans. Everyone in the audience begins to panic. He shows signs of burning up, and his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out of there and soon launches itself.]\nMr. Mackey: Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off. [people begin to leave the community center. The penis escapes and comes back to knock a man down]\nScene Description: Papa John's Pizza is shown. The townsfolk run right past it.\nStephen: [stops] Oh my God! These people don't even know! [faces the pizza joint] Hurry! You gotta go!\nMr. Garrison: [stops as well] Oh Jesus! Hey! It isn't safe in there! [inside, two workers just stand around behind the counter] Get out of there!\nStephen: Get out! You're not safe!\nMr. Garrison: You gotta get out!\nStephen: Hurry! You gotta go!\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen. Randy opens the cupboard and pulls everything out of it, including foods like Choc-Block Cookies, Circus Cookies, Fudge-Stuffed Fingerlings, Granny's Mac 'n Cheese, Frosted O-Face-O's and Puffed Up. Sharon does the same at another cupboard, removing items like Candy Corn Oreos, Thwizlerz and Cheesey Poofs; packing them in a white garbage bag with other foods like Hamburger Helper, Fiber-O's, Muffin Top, Chicken Nuggets and Beef Burritos. They're both in a panic. Shelly and Stan appear at the kitchen entrance.\nRandy: What about the Powerbars? The Powerbars?\nSharon: Yes!\nRandy: Hamburger Helper?\nSharon: That's all gluten!\nRandy: There's hot dog buns in that cupboard, Sharon!\nSharon: Hey, dad, I need to talk to you about this party we're having.\nRandy: Oh my God, the WHEAT THINS!\nSharon: It's in the Triscuits too, Randy!\nStan: Wait, wait, ah I might need those.\nRandy: This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan!\nSharon: Don't forget the freezer!\nRandy: Oh God! [now clearing the freezer] Chicken nuggets - breaded! Frozen burritos - flour! Ice cream! What about ice cream?!\nSharon: I don't know! Look at the ingredients!\nRandy: Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup - no, ice cream's good for you!\nSharon: All right, that's all of it!\nRandy: You sure? All r- all right, you got those?!\nSharon: I can get both of these, yeah!\nRandy: All right, come on! [a loaf of whole wheat sandwich bread falls out. Moments later, Randy comes back for it, then leaves again]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle is working on the party's budget when his phone rings. It's Cartman\nKyle: Hey Cartman.\nCartman: KYLE! IT'S ALL GONE! THEY'VE TAKEN IT ALL! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?! KYLE! KYLE!\nKyle: Dude, calm down.\nCartman: THERE'S NO SNACKS LEFT, KYLE! THEY TOOK ALL THE SNACKS AND THE PIZZA AND THE CAKE AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A PARTY!\nKyle: Who took all the pizza and the cake? [begins to notice flickering lights outside his window and hears an approaching crowd. All the gluten-tainted food that people have been bagging is being thrown into a bonfire] What the hell?\nCartman: KYYYLE!\nScene Description: A wheat field outside of town. Rolling hills of wheat are shown when the start turning brown. A flamethrower begins burning the field. A man wielding the flamethrower appears walking methodically through the field\nMr. Garrison: Yeah! Get it! Get it all! Yeah, that's it! Burn, you bastard!\nFarmer: What are you doing?!? My farm!\nRandy: Son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you just not care?! Keeyah! [knocks him down with a right punch to the right cheek]\nScene Description: U.S.D.A. Strategic Command Center, FDA approved, day.\nTom Vilsack: There's panic all over the country and you're telling me you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?!\nResearcher: We're working as fast as we can, sir.\nTom Vilsack: [sighs loudly] Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction?\nResearcher: [they stop by a rat cage] We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole wheat bread just a short time ago. You can see it already having a negative effect. [the rat is having an arousal it can't control. It flips over on its back, its penis wriggling out and shooting off. The rat dies.]\nTom Vilsack: We told people that whole wheat bread was healthy! Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?\nResearcher: No. We believe now that that's poppycock.\nTom Vilsack: [to everyone on the floor] All right, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and to tell people what is and isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us, people would be eating dirt and... chairs. Whatever it takes, stop this crisis! [turns left and leaves. Another rat in the background loses its penis and dies.]\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed with a slight cough. He blows his nose, and his door opens. the boys enter\nKyle: Cartman? Come on, dude. You have to get up.\nCartman: What's the point? Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck.\nStan: We can't let our party suck.\nCartman: What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake? Now all we've got is Lorde.\nKyle: That's right, we've still got Lorde. You talked to your dad, right Stan?\nStan: [looks down, then] I'll be back. [turns and leaves]\nCartman: You know what I'mm gonna miss most? Pancakes. I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima. She's trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away.\nKyle: Cartman, we can't do this alone. You have to get up.\nCartman: [turns to his right side] There's nothing left, you guys! The world is upside down. Things aren't gonna get better, they're gonna get worse.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. The bell rings and Randy answers it.\nRandy: Yes?\nWorker 1: Hello, sir. We've had word of a possible gluten exposure in your home. May we come in?\nRandy: Gluten expohn... oh not here!\nWorker 2: Can we come in please?\nRandy: Wuh sure! [shows them in. They enter and their gluten meters crackle as they go around the house]\nSharon: [coming down the stairs] What's going on? [one of the workers stops at the kitchen wastebasket and pulls out a pair of tongs. He rifles through the trash can with it and pulls out a Pabst Blue Ribbon can]\nRandy: Well that's just a beer.\nWorker 1: Oh Jesus.\nShelly: BEER IS ALL WHEAT, DAD!!\nRandy: [to Shelly] Shuut up, [to the worker] beer is bad for you?!\nWorker 2: We're gonna need you to come with us, sir. Don't touch me.\nRandy: Look, I'm OK! Yuh, you wanna see my dick?\nWorker 1: We just need you to be in quarantine for a while until everyone figures out what's going on.\nRandy: No! Not Papa John's. [shakes his head] I don't wanna go to Papa John's! [shakes his head more violently] YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO TO PAPA JOOOHN'S!!\nScene Description: Papa John's, day. It is now Gluten Quarantine Center 1, and Randy's the newest quarantine. Outside are one of the workers and a soldier\nRandy: How long do I have to stay here?!\nSoldier: Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir.\nRandy: What am I supposed to eat?\nSoldier: It's okay, there's lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings. [the soldier and the worker walk away]\nA Quarantine: How'd you get exposed? [it's a blond man on the floor] Bagels? Gravy?\nRandy: Beer. I didn't know it had gluten.\nMr. Garrison: There's always somethin'. For me it was the soy sauce. [his voice grows soft] Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce.\nScene Description: USDA headquarters, day\nJeff: We're trying to get a handle on just how much gluten there is out there, but... It seems impossible to contain.\nTom Vilsack: And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves?\nResearcher: [approaches with an open laptop] We've been running simulations, but they're problematic because they don't relate to our current schematics. Here, look. This is what we've been recommending for the past three years. [Shown is a food tray with dish and cup on it. The dish has larger portions for veggies and grains, smaller portions for fruits and proteins, and the cup is dairy, off to the side with the smallest portion] Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that. We now realize, of course, that the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison [a skull and crossbones appears over the grains]. Sir, to combat the gluten, we're trying every possible combination of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers.\nAgent: Sir, the feds are here.\nTom Vilsack: Oh shit!\nFDA Agent 1: Tom Vilsack?\nTom Vilsack: Yes?\nMichael Taylor: Michael Taylor, FDA.\nTom Vilsack: Yeah, thank you, but this is a USDA problem.\nMichael Taylor: Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too!\nScene Description: Papa John's, day. Stan approaches the blocked entrance\nStan: Dad? Dad!\nRandy: [appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?\nStan: Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something?\nRandy: I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?\nStan: Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?\nRandy: How's your mom? Your, your sister?\nSoldier 2: [appears next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're you're gonna have to go.\nStan: Nonono, not yet. DAD!\nRandy: That's my son, you bastard!\nSoldier 2: I'm sorry, all right?\nStan: Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!\nRandy: Staaan!\nStan: Let me talk to my dad! [the soldier finally hauls him away]\nRandy: Staaaaaaan!\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's asleep. A nightmare comes on, and visions of fellow students pass through his dream\nCraig: You call this a party?! Your party sucks!\nToken: Come on guys, let's go!\nJimmy: No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped! [the voices mount and soon he's lifted out of bed as one last kid says \"What a loser\" which echoes and fades away. He finds himself in bayou territory]\nAunt Jemima: Hello, Eric. [he sees her, on a porch, with a plate of pancakes] Come on over here, sugar.\nCartman: Aunt Jemima. [stands up and walks over]\nAunt Jemima: There's people in trouble, Eric. They need to be shown the way.\nCartman: I don't know the way, Aunt Jemima.\nAunt Jemima: You need to get to the USDA, child. They're lookin' for a sign.\nCartman: I don't even know what that means.\nAunt Jemima: When you're stuck, look to the pyramids.\nCartman: Are you going to eat those pancakes?\nAunt Jemima: They've got it wrong, child! [suddenly the scenery changes to the pyramids at Giza. Her voice takes on a cosmic tone, and Cartman spins in place] The world is upside down.\nCartman: Oooo, trippy...\nAunt Jemima: Tell then they've got's it backwards!\nCartman: They've got what backward? [everything vanishes into a gray field, then a golden triangle appears, then shatters. A kaleidoscope of kids appears, taunting him. Aunt Jemima's face shatters, revealing the golden triangle.]\nCartman: [he falls through his dream, surrounded by everything that has gluten in it] Noooo... [and suddenly wakes up] Oh! Ohhh, oh. Hoooh. Fuck, I want pancakes.\nScene Description: Papa John's, day. establishing shot. Inside Randy sits on a cot\nRandy: You can't just keep us in here!\nMr. Garrison: [clanging] We're out. [holds up an empty tray] We're all out of toppings! There's nothing left to eat.\nBlond: [looks outside, then] They're just gonna let us starve to death?\nRandy: They don't care about us. Face it. We're already dead to them. [buries his face in his hands]\nBlond: Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [stands up and walks towards the storage room]\nMr. Garrison: There's nothing left, I told you.\nBlond: There's plenty of pizza dough.\nRandy: Are you crazy?\nBlond: I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good! [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more... It's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]\nRandy: Oh my God, you... [the blond stops eating] But... you're okay.\nBlond: You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!\nMr. Garrison: A setup? But by who?\nRandy: Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who could get the word out.\nBlond: Maybe Papa John can help us! If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can- [his penis suddenly and quickly flies off and he dies]\nRandy: Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers. He and Garrison go find seats]\nScene Description: WSPIC 88.3, on air. Stan is reading an announcement\nStan: There's a health crisis going on, and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes. For a long time we ignored it. Thought it would only affect the poor. People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets. But gluten can attack anyone. This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious. We're calling on everyone to spend this weekend learning about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family. Because we don't know how much time we have.\nDJ: Well all right, time for action indeed. Let's go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller.\nCraig: I knew you guys were going to bail on the party.\nKyle: We're not bailing on the party, we're just think there's... more important things right now!\nCraig: Uh huh, you guys couldn't get Lorde to play, could you?\nDJ: All right, let's go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead.\nJamie: It's like ya... ya say you're gonna throw the most epic party of the decade and then you rip it away! It's kind of like... telling everyone to go fuck themselves!\nDJ: Oh Kansas, watch the language there. Next caller, you're on the air.\nWendy: Why are you doing this party, Stan? Was it because you made people mad at school or... because you just wanted to be a big shot?\nStan: I... we... we wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson, but-\nWendy: So then at a time when people really need to come together you cancel on 'em? I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes.\nScott: That is correct, yes, I do.\nWendy: You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on, was that it?\nKyle: Jesus Christ, dude.\nStan: Wendy, there IS a health crisis right now...\nWendy: Right, and when things change or things come up, you don't forget about everything you promised people!\nStan: We had no idea what to serve people to eat, okay?! We're gonna look stupid!\nWendy: Thought so. [hangs up. Stan lets his head fall on the table]\nDJ: Ohhhhhh well all right, next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric?\nCartman: KYYYLE!\nKyle: Cartman?\nCartman: KYYYLE, WHAT DOES USDA STAND FOR?! AUNT JEMINA SAID USDA HAS TO LOOK AT THE PYRAMID!\nScene Description: USDA headquarters, day. Everyone is in a rush.\nTom Vilsack: It's dinner time on the East coast in less than an hour. People are going to die!\nJeff White: Sir! They've got a boy on the hot line who says he might know something.\nTom Vilsack: Who is this?\nCartman: My name isn't important. What matters is that... the answer is in the pyramid.\nTom Vilsack: The pyramid? That's ancient stuff you're talking about. Are you sure? [to the floor] Bring up the pyramid! [a programmer gets on it. An image comes up on screen, showing four food groups in four layers inside a pyramid. Grains take the bottom, widest layer, followed by fruits and vegetables, meat and dairy, and fats and oils narrowing to a point at the top]\nCartman: What, what is it? What is it for?\nTom Vilsack: We built the pyramid a long time ago to illustrate how much people should eat of the four basic food groups.\nProgrammer: Sir, we abandoned the pyramid when Michelle Obama got involved.\nTom Vilsack: The pyramid down't work. We already tried it.\nCartman: It's upside down.\nTom Vilsack: What?\nCartman: Sir, the pyramid is upside down.\nTom Vilsack: Turn the pyramid upside down.\nProgrammer 2: You can't be serious. That would put butter and fat at the top of the-\nTom Vilsack: Flip the damned food pyramid!\nMichael Taylor: This is NOT FDA-approved!\nTom Vilsack: It's dinnertime on the east coast in ten minutes! Now DO IT! [the programmers get on it]\nProgrammer 3: Sir, we've got a match.\nProgrammer 4: Nutrition is stabilizing!\nProgrammer 5: We've got a well-balanced vaccine, sir! [everyone cheers]\nTom Vilsack: Get the President on the phone. Tell him... to have some steak with his butter.\nScene Description: The awesome party, day. The boys came through, everyone in town is there. Mr. Garrison serves steaks with large bars of butter to Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. \"We love you Scott.\" Photo booth, soda station\nCraig: [with butter on a stick] Well, I gotta admit, you guys throw a pretty sweet party.\nKyle: Hey, we'd do anything for our bros, man.\nScott: [approaches with a plate of butter on a stick] Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?\nKyle: We're good, Scott. Stop bugging us. [Scott walks away]\nTom Vilsack: We really dodged a bullet, young man. Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again.\nCartman: Yeah well, I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore. I know what that feels like.\nTom Vilsack: We're gonna get a better view of the stage.\nCartman: Yeah yeah, enjoy the party. [takes a couple of steps and notices the ghost of Aunt Jemima over a fence. He waves at her. She waves back.]\nJeff White: Wait till my girls see that I was at a party with Lorde!\nClyde: I'm glad the food is good. Lorde sucks.\nJimmy: Yeah, she isn't as hot in person.\nRandy: [dressed up as Lorde] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am Lorde, yeah yeah yeah. Lorde, Lorde. Call me Lorde yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.\nStan: Hey Wendy, you havin' fun?\nWendy: Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off.\nStan: Yeah, well, I just couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away. I love him and he needed me.\nWendy: You're so transparent, Stan.\nStan: What does that mean?\nWendy: You wanna dance? [he looks back at her, smiles, and goes to dance with her.]\nRandy: We love the city, yeah yeah yeah, 'cause I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde Lorde yeah yeah yeah."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The bus stop, morning. The boys wait for the bus, but Cartman seems particularly steamed today. His right hand is in his jacket pocket, and angry music plays\nCartman: [thinking] Another morning. Waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school. But today is the day I finally have the guts to do what I should've done a long time ago. [looks down at Stan's feet, than at Kyle's] Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket. A little surprise for them all. [Stan notices and looks. Cartman notices Stan and shoves his hand further into his pocket. Stan looks at Cartman and steps away from him.] I'm prepared for this, but still I wonder.. Will I have the guts to go through with it? Damn right I will! [Kyle notices Cartman's anger]\nKyle: Are you okay, Cartman?\nCartman: [brightens up] Yeah, I'm good. How are you, Kyle? [settles into angry funk again and thinks] They're all gonna pay! Every day they pushed me and pushed, and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time. [Kyle and Kenny look at each other, then they look at Cartman] We'll find out today at recess, won't we? Oh yes, we'll find out today at recess.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, a couple hours later. Cartman heads for the boys room and enters. He has some magazines with him\nButters: [at the urinal, pants down] Hey Eric! I'm not suspended no more.\nCartman: Good for you. [tries to get into the first stall, but finds it locked]\nButters: [looks over] I think someone's in there.\nCartman: No, God damn it, no! [pounds on the door] Who's takin' a shit?!\nCraig: [from inside] Occupied.\nCartman: I called dibs on Stall 1 for all recess, Craig!\nCraig: You can't call dibs on a toilet.\nCartman: Son of a bitch! [moves on to Stall 2, tries to open it, and finds it locked too.] Oh, no! NO NO NO! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!\nKyle: [from inside] Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fatass!\nCartman: ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT! [turns around and walks toward the door]I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT AND I'M NOT [throws his magazines to the floor] GONNA BE TAKING IT ANY LONGER! [reaches into his jacket pocket] You all pushed me to this! [pulls out a pink bow and plops it on to his hat, then continues out the door. Butters just looks on. Cartman leaves the boys' room and enters the girls' room. Wendy and Bebe are at the mirror. Cartman looks around for a moment. Wendy is quick to notice, and then faces him. Cartman heads for a stall and Wendy blocks him]\nWendy: What the hell do you think you're doing?\nCartman: I'm going to the potty.\nWendy: This is the girls' bathroom!\nCartman: Alright, I need to tell you something, Wendy. I'm transginger.\nWendy: What?!\nCartman: Did you notice the bow? [points to it] I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice. Now get out of my way, I have to take a shit. [barges into Stall 1, locks it, drops his pants, and sits down. Wendy shrugs with her palms up. The first poop falls and Wendy and Bebe recoil] Aaahhh!\nWendy: Get out of here!\nCartman: Don't give me any more issues than I already have, Wendy! [drops another deuce] Oh wow, this is nice in here. The girls' bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys'. [groans to get another deuce out, followed by a fart. Red comes out of Stall 2]\nRed: What the hell is that?!\nWendy: Cartman is using our bathroom!\nCartman: Dude, this is awesome. I should've used the girls' bathroom a long time ago.\nRed: [pointing an accusing finger] Hey! I'm gonna tell on you!\nCartman: It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here. I'm a dumb chick too. [farts and poops some more]\nScene Description: Principal's office, moments later\nPrincipal Victoria: I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls bathroom!\nCartman: Because I'm transginger. I looked it up: that means I can use the girl's shitter.\nPrincipal Victoria: You are not transgender, Eric! You don't even know what that means!\nCartman: Yeah uh-huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy, but I'm really a girl.\nPrincipal Victoria: All right, well, if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?!\nCartman: That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.\nPrincipal Victoria: Alright, listen, Eric!\nCartman: Erica.\nPrincipal Victoria: Listen, Eric! You must know why we can't have you in the girls bathroom!\nCartman: All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.\nPrincipal Victoria: With the what?!\nScene Description: Faculty room, later. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey sit at the table as Mr. Garrison looks outside\nMr. Garrison: Cisgender. It's the politically correct name for people who aren't transgender. If you identify with the sex you were born with, then you're cis.\nMr. Mackey: But then cisgender-ed is just normal\nMr. Garrison: [faces Mackey and Victoria] Saying \"normal\" is extremely offensive to people who aren't in that group. [gets emphatic] Trust me, you don't want this hot potato! Just let him use the girl's room!\nPrincipal Victoria: But this isn't a hurt and confused child we're talking about. This is Eric Cartman.\nMr. Garrison: Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants.\nPrincipal Victoria: Sooo Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate?\nMr. Garrison: Actually, [turns around and looks outside again] it's more like a royal flush.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. A reporter stops by and rings the doorbell. Gerald opens the door\nReporter: Gerald Broflovski?\nGerald: Yes?\nBrandon Carlile: Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I was hoping you could help me... make sense of somethin'. I understand you had a very large party in your back yard last... last Sunday, was it?\nGerald: That's right. [Sheila appears in the background] My son and his friends throw a party for a kid with diabetes.\nBrandon Carlile: I also understand that a very famous pop artist, Lorde, was the entertainment at that party.\nGerald: Oh yeah, yeah, the kids were pretty excited.\nBrandon Carlile: Well it, eh, it's just a little curious, you know? Why a hugely popular Top-20 artist would play such a... well no offence, but such a humble venue?\nGerald: ...Sorry, I don't think I get your-\nBrandon Carlile: You understand, we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin. [glances at his pen] Was just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play.\nGerald: From what I understand, she's the niece of someone's coworker here in town or something.\nBrandon Carlile: You wouldn't know who?\nGerald: No. Does it really matter?\nBrandon Carlile: [slow zoom] Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady. It would be a shame if someone was... having fun at her expense.\nScene Description: The Marsh laundry room. Sharon is sorting clothes. She sees that Steamy Ray Vaughn is still around, from the brown streaks in Randy's briefs. She pulls out the briefs from two pairs of Randy's pants, but is intrigued when she looks into the third pair. She pulls out... some fishnet stockings and her eyes open wide.\nScene Description: The living room, moments later. Randy's on the couch sipping on Pabst Blue Ribbon.\nSharon: [walks up with the stockings] Randy? Whose are these?\nRandy: [sits up] Aaah, I don't know. Why?\nSharon: Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans?\nRandy: In my jeans?\nSharon: Randy? Do you have something to tell me?\nRandy: [gives in] ...Yeah. I do.\nScene Description: Girls room, recess, next day. Wendy, Bebe, Red, and a new girl stand with their jackets over their noses, the smell is so bad. Cartman is in there again. The girl looks like the singer Sia, so we'll go with that.\nRed: [bangs on the wall on one side of stall 1] Come on! You've been in there for twenty minutes!\nSia: Yeah! Recess is almost over!\nCartman: There's two more stall in here, gals. Go ahead.\nSia: Not while you're in here!\nCartman: Oh my God, you guys are so cisginger. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit AND my balls.\nWendy: Eric, there are people actually struggling with their gender identity and all you're doing is-\nCartman: Okay, okay, okay, you guys! You know what? You know what? [drops a deuce] That's what. [laughs his ass off. Principal Victoria walks in behind the girls] Suck my clit and balls.\nPrincipal Victoria: Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem.\nCartman: I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria, the cisgenders have the problem. [poops and farts]\nPrincipal Victoria: If it is agreeable to you, Erica, we are going to clear out the janitor's closet and remodel it into a private bathroom just for you! [Cartman farts one last time, cleans up, and leaves the stall]\nCartman: Excuse me, are you talking about... my own special executive bathroom?\nPrincipal Victoria: Would that be agreeable to you?\nCartman: OH MY GOD!!!\nWendy: That isn't fair!\nRed: Wendy, just go with it!\nCartman: Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch! Of course, being forced into my own isolated will probably be somewhat traumatic for me. I might have to approve certain aspects of this... solitary location.\nScene Description: The janitor's closet. Cartman plans out his new restroom with an interior designer\nCartman: Yeah sooo I'm thinking of water feature here, you know. get the sound of running water, yeah kind of Zen it out.\nDesigner: Uh huh, well why don't you put the water feature on this side?\nCartman: Oh on that side?\nDesigner: You know, because you've already got AC over here and that leaves this open for some nice big piece of art on this wall.\nCartman: Oh, I like that. That's gonna look nice, yeah.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy enters his garage, pulls out his phone, and taps in a number. Someone picks up\nRandy: Yeah, listen. I don't know if I can keep doing this. My wife is starting to suspect something. I just had to tell her I like the way fishnets feel.\nRecord Producer: [in his chair at his desk, facing away from the camera] I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy, [turns around in his chair] but you can't leave us hanging. You've got the purest shit out there; it's worth a lot to us.\nRandy: You think you're gonna get a good product when I can't even think?!\nRecord Producer: How many times have you said \"I think I've lost it\" and everything turned out to be okay?\nRandy: Every time?\nRecord Producer: Every time. Come on. Get back to work and see. If you get panicked again, call me.\nRandy: Yeah. Yeah I will. Yup. [hangs up. He walks up to a poster and moves it to one side, revealing a hole in the wall with stacks of bills inside. He pulls out some more bills from his back pocket and adds them to the stacks]\nScene Description: The Record Producer's office. A young man walks in. The producer looks out the window\nRon: You wanted to see me?\nRecord Producer: Sit down, Ron. [Ron sits] Whattaya know about one of our artists, Lorde?\nRon: [shrugs] Seventeen-year-old girl from New Zealand, great songwriter, [shrugs] humble.\nRecord Producer: Wrong. [turns to face him] She's a 45-year-old man in Colorado.\nRon: What?\nRecord Producer: He writes the songs, sends us the demos, we fudge them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time, and nobody knows the difference.\nRon: Huh. [the realization sinks in] Holy shit.\nRecord Producer: He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells. But he's getting edgy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him. And if anyone around him seems like they're close to finding out the truth, well... you know what to do.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Randy's at the foot of the bed with guitar in hand and some lyrics on the bed\nRandy: Lorde Lorde Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde I am Lorde. I am L- I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde.\nSharon: [appears at the bedroom door] Randy?\nRandy: [drops the guitar and gathers up his sheets] I, I, thought you were at the grocery store. [chuckles]\nSharon: I was. Can you help me unload the car? [turns left and walks away]\nRandy: Help me unload the c-car. Help me unload, load the car. Yah yah yah. Unloadin'. Unload yah yah yah.\nSharon: [comes back and peeks inside] Randy?\nRandy: [loses his sheets] Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming. [follows her to the car]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A new restroom, Other, replaces the janitor's closet. A workman drills in the final screws for the OTHER sign. Butters and Craig observe him, Craig and Token walk up. The workman finishes up as Stan arrives\nStan: What is that?\nButters: That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom.\nStan: Cartman's a girl now?\nButters: He's not a woman, he's not a man, he is something that you'll never understand. But he would die for me. [turns around and walks away.]\nCartman: [rushes up] It it done?! It is all ready?! Alright alright, move aside everybody, move aside please. I gotta go. [opens the door, looks inside and grins. Inside is one of the fanciest restrooms one will ever see. Icicle lights all around, waterfall to the left, fancy commode to the right, plush towels and toilet seat cover. Triumphant music plays] Oh! Ahm. This is gonna be so awesome. [closes and locks the door] Aha! Lock! Privacy. Oh, this is gonna feel so good! [claps twice - he's got the Clapper feature in there. The lights dim and Vivaldi's Spring begins to play] Perfect. [reaches over for a cat-o-five-tails and begins whipping the toilet with it] Yeah, you're gonna take it. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream. Yeah, you're gonna open wide. [the kids nearby just stand there shocked] You're gonna TAKE your punishment! That's right! Get ready! [remembers there are people outside] Oh my God, this is so awesome, you guys! It's just like at home!\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Nelson is at the bar. Brandon Carlile appears nearby\nBrandon Carlile: Peter Nelson?\nNelson: Yes?\nBrandon Carlile: [pulls up a stool next to him] Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey?\nNelson: Yeah, that's right.\nBrandon Carlile: I also understand that you're the uncle of the amazing and talented songwriter, Lorde?\nNelson: [sighs] Alright, look, I am not her uncle. I I just work with her, okay?\nBrandon Carlile: Work with her? How? [they move to a booth for some privacy]\nNelson: I like Lorde. Uh she's really nice and really talented. But she lives a double life.\nBrandon Carlile: How's that?\nNelson: Lorde isn't just a singer, she's also a very talented scientist who specializes in fluvial geomorphology.\nBrandon Carlile: The what?\nNelson: She just showed up one day at the office and started filling in for a guy who started working part time. She's a good geologist. When her music career took off we thought she'd be gone, but she still shows up. Usually right after lunch. [Brandon tries to figure out what to write, but draws a blank]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. Cartman walks down the hallway singing to himself\nClyde: Hey Cartman. Heard you're transgender.\nCartman: Yup! You know what Hillary says: \"You can suck my clit and balls.\" [goes into his bathroom]\nRed: [talking to Bebe nearby] Well I know I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear, he gives us too much homework anyway. I-\nWendy: Hey guys. [all look and stare. Wendy walks down the hallway dressed as her male persona, Wendyl, in t-shirt and vest, purple pants, hair pinned back.]\nRed: ...Wendy?\nWendy: How's it hanging'?\nCraig: Whoa..\nJenny: Huh?\nJason: Whoa, wait, is that?\nButters: Holy moly! [Wendy pulls out a key and goes into the Other bathroom]\nCartman: Hey, what the fuck, dude?! Do you mind? This is occupied!\nWendy: It's cool. I'll wait.\nCartman: DUDE, THIS IS MY FUCKING BATHROOM!\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Wendy and Cartman are present\nCartman: I want her suspended, and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment!\nPrincipal Victoria: I'm sorry Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning and she's not comfortable-\nCartman: Wendyl?! Fucking Wendyl?! Grow up, Wendy!\nPrincipal Victoria: You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that?\nCartman: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT A CHICK WATCHING ME GO POO!\nPrincipal Victoria: I thought you were a chick.\nCartman: NO! I IDENTIFY AS A CHICK, BUT I'M STILL A BOY. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SHARE A BATHROOM WITH A GIRL THAT IDENTIFIES HERSELF AS A FUCKING DUDE! [thinks for a few seconds] That is MY waterfall, and those are MY Christmas lights!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Stan is at his locker\nCartman: [runs up to Stan] Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!\nStan: [surprised] What?\nCartman: Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! STAN-AN'S A GIR-RL! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you! [walks away]\nScene Description: Shelly's room, evening. Randy knocks at her door\nRandy: Shelly, that's enough time on your phone.\nShelly: Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time!\nRandy: You know we're all cutting down on phone time.\nShelly: [sits up] Don't limit me! You don't even understand me!\nRandy: [sees a poster of himself as Lorde] Yeah. I don't understand you at all. A lot you know. [walks away saddened]\nScene Description: The Marsh garage, moments later. Randy is adding more stacks to the stacks of bills he's hidden behind the poster. A door opens and Randy quickly seals up the hole. He gets to his workbench just as Stan closes the door.\nStan: Uh hey Dad. I need to talk to you.\nRandy: Oh really? A-About... about what?\nStan: Dad, is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside but totally different on the inside? [Randy sighs deeply and stands up to walk] I mean, can someone identify as one sex but be something else but still have it be nothing about sex?\nRandy: Yes. Yes, Stan. I am Lorde.\nStan: ...What?\nRandy: It started off so simple. There's a guy at work. Hanson. He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know? Not only that, but he was in there all the time! I finally got fed up and pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan? It's all clean and there's enough stalls for everyone. It was so freeing. I started singing while I was in there, and then I- started writing things down.\nStan: Well you said you knew a guy at work who was Lorde's uncle.\nRandy: Yah, that's my cover.\nStan: The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games, is you?\nRandy: Yeah. [turns around and faces Stan] The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go \"Hunger Games, yah yah yah, yah yah yah! Hunger Games.\" But they just- do what they want with my songs.\nStan: Wha-wait, Lorde sounds like a girl.\nRandy: Autotune. Wanna see how I do it? [moments later, a music program pops up. Twelve tracks are shown at lower left] I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work. I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone. [plays the highlighted track] \"Yeah yeah, feeling good on a Wednesday. Sparklinnnnn' thoughts. Givin' me the hope to go ohhhn\" [farts and poop noises] \"Oh! Whoa. What I need now is a little bit of shelter.\"\nStan: Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good.\nRandy: Thanks. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops. [replays the same track with drum loops added] Then with the computer I can actually quantize everything. [brings up the quantizer and chooses his settings] Backup instruments. [scale, beats, bass, tambourine, guitars, strings] And then finally I use the Autotune. [\"Auto-Tuner v10.\" He chooses his settings there, and the song is transformed. The same track is now enhanced with Sia's voice and no trace of Randy] \"Sparklin' thoughts, feelin' good on a Wednesday. Givin' me the hope, givin' givin' me the hope to go ohhhn. What I need is a little bit of shelter.\" [this is all too much for Stan to take in, and he passes out. Randy notices] Stan?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Stan is in the hallway looking at the restrooms, weighing his options\nButters: [walks past Stan, then stops] Hey! Everything okay, Stan?\nStan: ...I don't know where I belong...\nButters: Just hold it. That's what I do now. [continues on his way. Stan walks towards the girls room, but veers left to look at the boys room. Then he spins round and walks to the Other room, whips out his key for it, and goes in.]\nCartman: HEY, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Cartman are present\nCartman: Why don't we just have everyone use the transgender bathroom?!\nPrincipal Victoria: Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys bathroom?\nStan: I, I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm, I'm confused.\nCartman: He's cisginger! He's so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!\nScene Description: U.S. Geological Survey, Colorado, day. Quite the busy office space. At the boss's office, someone knocks and opens his door\nRandy: [in his Lorde attire.] You wanted to see me, boss?\nBoss: Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde.\nRandy: [closes the door and sits next to a woman] Hi Carol.\nCarol: [avoiding eye contact] Lorde.\nBoss: Lorde, we're all big fans of your music and we think the world of you for staying and working here even after your music career took off.\nRandy: Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined.\nBoss: Amazing, yeah. Uh... Lorde... for some time now the females at this office have been pressuring me to... uh... find your own space... to go to the bathroom. [a few seconds of silence] Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great if you had your very own executive bathroom. [whips out an executive key]\nRandy: I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music.\nCarol: My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde, but the women here aren't comfortable sharing a bathroom with [stops herself immediately]\nRandy: With what? [moments of awkward glances follow] With what? [getting no answer, he gets up and leaves.]\nScene Description: E! breaking news\nAnnouncer: You are watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.\nAnchor: It's been several days and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde. The singer went dark on Twitter claiming severe depression, and stating [the statement goes up on screen] \"I realize now that I make people uncomfortable. I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me.\" Spin Magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit, and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the crowded hall when he's stopped by Cartman\nCartman: Oh, here he comes, everyone! It's the cisginger! Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?!\nButters: Yeah, what's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?!\nCartman: At this school, it doesn't matter if you're trans or you're cis, right guys?! [the other kids agree, but not strongly] What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant! You know what we call those? Cissies!\nButters: Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy!\nClyde: [steps forward] Awe, come on, lay off him guys.\nCartman: Oh, what are you?! A cissy too, Clyde?!\nClyde: No, no, just he is. [retreats and walks away]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day, backyard. Randy sits at a picnic table alone with his thoughts and a beer. Sharon walks out\nSharon: You just gonna drink beer alone all day?\nRandy: [Raises up his Pabst to show Sharon] It's okay, it's gluten free.\nSharon: All right. [turns around and goes back towards the house, but stops and looks back] Do you know why young people like Lorde so much. [Randy sits up and looks over his shoulder] It's because she's something different. Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face, and most kids are actually smart enough to be sick of it. Lorde represents something in all of us, the truth that wants to be heard. If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her not to let people change who she is. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her, it's probably because they lost touch with being human. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does, because when someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose. That's... what I would say to Lorde. [goes back inside the house and closes the sliding door]\n\"Lorde\": [Randy's finished song, \"Feelin' Good On A Wednesday / Push\"] Feelin' good on a Wednesday The image of me that you see Is distorted, twisted, broken, fractured Isolated, miles out to sea I don't want a separate place. I need to feel safe, not thrown away, away, away. And I will push (push) To tear down the walls (push, push) Of this box you put me in (push, push) Because you don't understand (push ow hot, push ow ow hot) You push To find a label that fits me. I'm feelin' good on a Wednesday With sparklin' thoughts Help me unload the car, yah yah yah And so I push To close the door Of the stall you've made for me, To keep me away. And now we push Push to stand together Because I am Lorde (yah yah yah) Yah yah yah, I am Lorde I am Lorde, yah yah yah Yah yah yah, I am Lorde Yah yah yah Yah yah yah, I am Lorde Yah yah yah [While the song plays, the following montage flows: camera closes in on Randy's face, then on a toilet. Some of the lyrics, handwritten on yellow rule paper, scroll past. Stan looks at the restrooms again. More lyrics. The demos are playing for the record producer and Ron, and they like it. More lyrics. Two sisters listen to the song on an iPhone in the kitchen. Their mother Carol looks on from the doorway. She returns to the office the next day and stops the boss from putting up the transgender sign on a bathroom. They both listen to the song, and like it. Shelly is wearing her headphones joyfully dancing to the song. Randy looks in and smiles. Principal Victoria waves a pencil around as if she were conducting an arrangement for this song. Bebe is listening to it with Milly and Nelly in her bedroom. Butters is in his own room wearing a pink tutu and dancing away. More lyrics. Brandon Carlile is at his desk looking at his article. He moves to delete it, and it's gone. He shuts down his computer and leaves]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium that still has damage from the Butter's fire. Principal Victoria is going to announce something. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey sit off to one side\nPrincipal Victoria: And so it is with great pride that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid of the transgender bathroom, and give any fellow student the right to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in. [cheering erupts from the students]\nCartman: I don't wanna use the girls bathroom if anyone can use it! It's gonna be all crowded. [pulls off his bow and throws it to the ground.]\nPrincipal Victoria: Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender will have to use the special designated bathroom designed to keep them away from the normal people who don't care.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Stan heads for the boys room when Butters exits\nButters: Hey! Where do you think you're going?!\nStan: To the bathroom?\nButters: Oh no you don't! You've gotta use the cissy bathroom! [points to the Cissies bathroom, which used to be the Other bathroom] Well go on, cissy! [Stan walks over to the cissies bathroom and goes in. Butters smiles and walks away. The cissies bathroom is just the Other bathroom with a new plaque on it. Stan claps twice and the lights go down. Vivaldi's \"Spring\" plays]\nStan: Wow, this is is pretty nice. [drops trousers and settles in, then begins singing] Feelin' good on a Monday. Got my space, all the freedom I need. Yah yah yah By myself, yah yah yah"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Bijou, night. A movie has ended, probably \"Gone Girl,\" and moviegoers are now going home. Among them are Gerald and Sheila Broflovski, Stephen and Linda Stotch, and Bob and Linda Black.\nStephen: [with phone in hand] Well that was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting us, guys.\nSheila: Sure. You bet.\nGerald: Are you guys parked over here?\nStephen: Oh nonono, we took a Handicar. It was easier that way.\nGerald: A Handicar? What's that?\nLinda: You don't use Handicar?\nStephen: No, see, you just get the Handicar app. It uses GPS to locate where you are, and the Handicar comes and picks you up.\nGerald: Wow...\nStephen: Yeah, and it's cheaper than a taxi. I'm telling you, it's the future of transportation. Oh, here it comes. [sees Linda talking to the Blacks] Honey, our Handicar is here.\nTimmy: Timmy! [Linda waves goodbye to the Blacks and she joins Stephen in the Handicar, driven by Timmy.]\nStephen: Have fun drivin' home. I'll be relaxing on my iPad. [The Handicar is a wheelchair with a Lil Zipper attached. The Lil Zipper is equipped with a table setting for two, including a candle and flower in vase.]\nGerald: Lucky.\nTimmy: Timmy. [pulls away]\nStephen: Download the app! It works great! [Gerald whips out his phone and goes looking for the app. He finds it and downloads it.]\nScene Description: South Park, day. A cab goes down the street. A Russian driver is shown with his passenger\nPassenger: Ahh, [pinches his nose] Excuse me, I think someone puked back here. [pinches his nose again]\nRussian: You don't like puke?\nPassenger: Could you turn the radio down and the air conditioning up, please?\nRussian: No air conditioning. Too expensive. [the light turns red and the driver brakes hard, causing the passenger to hit his head on the back of the front seat.]\nPassenger: Agh!\nRussian: Not enough people taking cab. Don't know what's wrong!\nTimmy: Timmih! [both driver and passenger look to the right. Timmy drives by in his wheelchair towing a man in his Lil Zipper, which is equipped with a table, tablecloth, candle, and two chairs. The man is sipping wine.]\nRussian: What the fuck?\nScene Description: The Hummer car dealership, day. Mr. Stevenson is on the sidewalk trying to drum up some business.\nMr. Stevenson: We've got a big sales event going on, folks. [sees two men across the street] Hey guys. Can I get you in a 2014 Hummer? Rocktober sales event, guys.\nYounger man: No thanks.\nMr. Stevenson: [plays some air guitar] Only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober, guys.\nOlder man: We're good. Shut up! [Timmy pulls up]\nYounger man: Oh, here's our Handicar.\nTimmy: Timmy. [he stops, and the men get in.]\nMr. Stevenson: The fuck?\nScene Description: A meeting room, day. Three counselors stand before a group of handicapped kids. Among them are Jimmy, Francis, and Timmy. Counselor Steve begins to speak\nSteve: All right, kids, you know what time of year this is? [the handicapped kids cheer] That's right, it's autumn! And that means our fundraising for next year's summer camp is in full gear. Is everyone psyched for next year's summer camp?\nAll: Yeeaahhh!\nSteve: So far, Jimmy has raised $16!\nAll: Yeeaahhh!\nSteve: Francis has raised $29.32 [the kids cheer] And Timmy has raised $2,063.00!\nTimmy: Timmy! [the other kids cheer]\nSteve: All righty, if you guys keep this up, we'll raise the money for summer camp in no time! [the kids cheer. Off to the side, in the open doorway, are Nathan and Mimsy.]\nNathan: [turns around. Mimsy does too.] I won't do it, Mimsy. I won't spend another summer at that stupid camp.\nMimsy: D'awww, we don't like camp, boss?\nNathan: We hate camp, Mimsy. The singing, the competitions, Jimmy Valmer getting all the chicks.\nMimsy: D'oh yeah and don't forget last year at summer camp, you got raped by a shark. [laughs. Nathan jumps in the air and smacks Mimsy on the right cheek with his left hand]\nNathan: Shut up, Mimsyyyy! I'm not gonna spend my summer trapped at that camp with these punch-happy assholes. We gotta find a way to put Handicar out of business, and fast.\nMimsy: D'ah oh boy! We're gonna wreck Timmy's business, huh boss?\nNathan: Shh-shh. [the counselor reaches them]\nSteve: Hey boys, are you excited for camp next year?\nNathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. We like the tug-of-waaarr.\nSteve: All right. Well, just keep working on those donations. [leaves]\nNathan: Come on, Mimsy, we gotta figure out how we're gonna make Handicar a thing of the past.\nMimsy: D'oh boy!\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, night. The parking lot is full of cabs. Inside are three SP Taxi drivers, an SP Cabbie, and Mr. Stevenson\nSP cabbie: [wears an SP Cab hat] We are united as brothers, because jast as Handicar has taken away jobs from honest, hard-working cab drivers, it's also taken food [slams his fist on the podium] from the mouths of the children of car salesmen!\nMr. Stevenson: Well I don't have any children.\nRussian: Who does this handicapped boy think he is?! He's not even in union!\nArab: He's taking all our business because people find it more coomvenient.\nSP cabbie: Aaand, because he's handicapped, he can use special access points and parking spaces. That kid was born with an unfair advantage!\nArab: Who is this rat?!\nNathan: His name is Timmy Burch. [the adults turn to look at him] And if you don't do something quick, you're all gonna be out of work for good.\nAmerican: Who are you?!\nNathan: Just someone who doesn't like to see hard workers like yourselves lose their jobs. That's all.\nRussian: Nobody takes jobs away from US! We need to speak to Mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business!\nArab: Or maybe we can have the police shut him down!\nMimsy: Hey I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer, and try to be better to your customers so that you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the marketplace?\nNathan: Just ignore my friend. He's mentally disabled.\nMimsy: Aw yeah, don't mind me.\nNathan: Now listen, everybody. If you're a sheepherder, and there's a snake taking away your sheep, what do you do to the snake?\nMr. Stevenson: Offer it last year's Christmas in Rocksummer prizes?\nNathan: No, you fucking moron! You kill... the snake! [the drivers look at each other]\nScene Description: Timmy's room, night. He's fast asleep when several shadows pop up outside his window. It turns out to be the SP cabbie, followed by the Russian and Arab cabbies.\nSP cabbie: Hey wake up, you little scab!\nTimmy: [waking up] Tutih Tuh-Timmih?\nSP cabbie: We got a message for ya! From the union. [holds up a bat. The three cab drivers begin beating Timmy with baseball bats]\nScene Description: South Park, next day, daytime. Nathan and Mimsy walk along a sidewalk\nNathan: Just imagine it, Mimsy. A whole summer to ourselves to do what we want. It's going to be awesome. [The curb has a line of cabs on it, and they come across the cabbies who visited Timmy the night before.] Well well, hello gentlemen. I understand you've taken care of our little problem?\nSP cabbie: Yeah, we sure did!\nRussian: Let's just say he'll be laid up a while.\nSP cabbie: Yeah. We snuck in his room last night and we... broke his legs!\nNathan: Oh boy, that's great-wait, you what??\nTimmy: Timmy! [drives by, seemingly unharmed]\nRandy: [taking a ride in the Handicar] I am Lorde. Lawdy Lawdy Lorde.\nRussian: But we broke his legs. Both of them.\nNathan: Let me give you guys a hot news flash: If you want to hurt a crippled kid, you don't break his FUCKING LEGS!\nScene Description: The park, sometime later. Nathan and Mimsy sit on a bench\nNathan: How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy?\nMimsy: D'uh I don't know, boss.\nNathan: These are supposed to be men who care about their occupations.\nMimsy: D'uh maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be tryin' to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of economic natural selection, where the more diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones. Drrrrr.\nNathan: [smacks him again] Shut up, Mimsyyyy!\nScene Description: In another part of town, Timmy is driving a woman home\nWoman 1: Right here is good. [gets off at her house] Thank you. I can just use the app to tip you, right?\nTimmy: Timmy!\nWoman 1: Ohohh, this is so handy! [goes to the front door] Thank you!\nTimmy: Timmy. [gets a new call from an unknown caller and answers it] Tiiimmih Timmih.\nNathan: Hey Timmy, it's your friend from camp, Nathan.\nTimmy: Timmih!\nNathan: Listen, you can't possibly handle all this business you're getting. Admit it. You've got more customers than you can handle.\nTimmy: [sighs] Timmih.\nNathan: I've got an amazing idea. Why don't you let other people drive Handicars too? Think of all the money you could raise for camp if you expand your business.\nTimmy: [thinking it over] Hmmm, Timmih.\nNathan: I'm sure you could find a lot of interested drivers.\nTimmy: [smiles] Timmy! [grins. He likes the idea]\nNathan: That's great. Summer camp, here we come. [hangs up] Now kiss your business goodbye, asshole!\nScene Description: A neighborhood, sometime later. Nathan is now in a wheelchair as a new Handicar driver\nMimsy: D'ah I don't get it boss. I thought you hated Handicar. How come now you wanna work for 'em?\nNathan: It's very simple, Mimsy. I'm gonna take down Handicar by being an employee who sexually harasses the passengers.\nMimsy: D'ahhh, sexual harassment, boss?\nNathan: It's simple. If you're a sheepherder and a snake is killing your sheep, you just need to have the snake get sued for sexual misconduct. Now, you find me a female passenger on that app and leave the rest to me.\nMimsy: D'ah oh boy!\nScene Description: Later, Nathan goes on his first drive as a Handicar driver. His phone indicates that he has a passenger waiting for a pick up close by\nNathan: [arrives] Timmy. Hello ma'am. Handicar at your service. Climb on in. [she gets in without saying a word] So, let me ask you a question. Would you like to see my dick?\nWoman 2: [a transvestite] Sure. Would you like to see mine?\nNathan: Uh oh!\nScene Description: At the Men's restroom in the park, Nathan is heard getting pounded with some funny sound effects\nNathan: Mimsy! Hel- help, Mimsy! [Mimsy approaches, but stays outside. The passenger exits the restroom and walks away. Nathan waddles out, hair and clothes disheveled] And I thought a shark was bad. [cartoon flourish at the end]\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, evening. Gerald and Sheila exit and lock the door\nGerald: Come on, honey. It says our Handicar is just pulling up.\nStephen: Timmy! Oh hi, Gerald, Sheila.\nGerald: Stephen, what are you doing?\nStephen: You didn't know? Anyone can be a Handicar driver now. All you have to do is get your own wheelchair and you can earn a Handicap. I've had my Handicap for about three days now. Get on in. [Gerald and Sheila get in, and Stephen pulls away.] I'm telling you Gerald, havin' a Handicar is a great way to make some money on the side. [other Handicar drivers begin to appear]\nHC driver 1: Timmy!\nStephen: Timmy!\nHC driver 2: [a woman] Timmy!\nStephen: The world of transportation is really changing, Gerald.\nMimsy: [standing at a street corner with Nathan] D'aww gee, your idea to have Handicar expand really worked, boss.\nHC driver 3: [getting too close to the curb] 'Scuse me, out of my way, please. I have a Handicap. [drives off]\nNathan: I had a handicap way before you got paid to have one!\nMimsy: D'ahhh, you sound like that Matthew McConaughey guy. Ah \"I drove a Lincoln way before I got paid to drive one.\" Drrrr. [Nathan smacks him again]\nNathan: Shut up Mimsyyy!\nScene Description: Tesla demonstration\nAnnouncer: [female] For the pat eight years Tesla has been the leading innovator in the world of automotive transport. And now the President and CEO of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk. [a robotic arm reaches out and grabs a platform behind one of the cars, and Elon Musk is on the platform. The arm sets him down at the foot of the stage as cameas flash away]\nElon Musk: Today I am proud to announce the Tesla D, the most innovative and efficient world-friendly mode of transportation ever created. Any questions?\nReporter 1: Yes, ahh, what about Handicar?\nElon Musk: What about it?!\nReporter 2: Well all over the country prople are realzing that using an app to ride-share is even more convenient and eco-friendly than electric cars.\nReporter 3: How do you intend to compete with this boy genius in Colorado? [Elon Musk is not happy]\nScene Description: Tesla Headquarters. day. An issue of of Tech Today is dropped onto a table next to a Tesla cup of coffee.\nElon Musk: I am so sick of hearing about app-based ride-sharing! The future of transportation is the electric cars, not wheelchairs!\nExec. 1: Don't worry, Elon. Handicar is just a small company.\nExec. 2: Oh sure, operating in a few small towns, but when they start absorbing the taxi markets, bringing taxi sservice to any part of the world, driving your kids to and from school, delivering both people and things?\nExec. 3: We can't compete with Handicar! It's just so damned handy!\nElon Musk: If there is a way to reduce Handicar's positive publicity, then we need to do it now! [walks to the table and plants his hands on it] And you! You say it's theoretically possible?\nNathan: Of course. It's very simple. If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing all your sheep, how do you get rid of the snake?\nElon Musk: Who's the sheepherder?\nNathan: You are.\nExec. 4: Who's the snake?\nNathan: Handicar. [a few seconds of silence follow]\nMimsy: D'ah, it's an analogy.\nNathan: [smacks Mimsy] Shut up Mimsyyy! [to Elom Musk] If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing your sheep, all you have to do is prove to the sheep that the snake is a completely inferior entity. [the Tesla execs look around at each other]\nScene Description: South Park, day. Timmy is driving around town with a male passenger on his iPad.\nHC driver 4: [going the other way on the street] Timmy!\nTimmy: Timmy! [stops at an intersection. A Tesla car speeds up next to him. The passenger window comes down and Nathan looks at him]\nNathan: Hey Timmy. How is the fundraising for camp going?\nTimmy: Timmih! [holds his right thumb up]\nNathan: [looks ahead] That's great. I can't wait for camp this year. [looks at Timmy again] We are doing some fundraising too. Have you heard of my friend Elon Musk from Tesla?\nElon Musk: Good day to you!\nTimmy: Timmih!\nNathan: Hey, how would you like to have a friendly little race? It would be great publicity for your fundraising and for ours.\nMimsy: [pops up] D'ah we're gonna get Timmy killed in the race, huh boss?\nElon Musk: Shut up, Mimsy! [Mimsy reclines in his seat]\nNathan: Whattaya say, Timmy? A friendly race this Saturday? We'll see you at 9am sharp. [the passenger window goes up, and they peel awat. The resulting wake almost blows the tablecloth off and Timmy's passenger almost losing his iPad keeping the tablecloth in place, At Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, a drunk patron walks out and a Handicar driver arrives to pick him up. He gets in, and they go away]\nScene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, day, interior. Jimbo looks up at a TV monitor\nJimbo: Hey everyone, you need to see this! [CNN Breaking News]\nCNN anchor: [with glasses] What started as a simple contest is quickly escalating into an international crisis. As electronic cars challenge the oil industry, and transportation alternatives fight for dominance, the unavoidable outcome may be a conflict the likes the world has not seen since the '70s. It appears that the world is once again on the brink [takes off his glasses] of Wacky Races.\nRandy: Wacky Races?! Holy shit!\nCNN anchor: The prime minister of Japan (Shinzo Abe is shown) insisted that any race would break the Treaty of Salzburg, which called for a cease-fire to the Wacky Races for their senseless brutality. They also claim that if a race does take place, they would have no choice but to enter their completely self-driven prototype Lexus into the conflict. The Canadians and Chinese are also saying they would be forced to race, and no one yet has heard from Dick Dastardly or Muttley. Unless a miracle happens, this Saturday morning the world will witness the fist Wacky Races in nearly 50 years.\nScene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Shoppers rush in and get all the cereal they can get\nShoppers: Wacky Races oh God! Wacky Races oh my God! Oh my God Wacky Races oh my God!\nGerald: Randy, they're bringin' back Wacky Races Saturday monring!\nRandy: I know! Are we watching at your house?!\nManager: That's it, everyone! We're out of cereal!\nShoppers: No! I didn't get any! That guy has two! [more clamoring]\nManager: There's none left, don't you understand?!\nScene Description: The park at South Park, day. All the Handicar drivers are assembled, and Stephen Stotch holds court.\nStephen: Don't you see what they're doing? This is just another example of corporations trying to keep down people with handicaps!\nHC driver 5: Don't do the race. You don't have to prove anything. [Timmy is shown, weary]\nHC driver 6: He HAS to do it, don't you see? He has people that are depending on him to raise as much money as possible. There are hundreds of people with handicaps now.\nTimmy: Timmih...\nHC driver 7: But isn't that the problem? I mean, let's face it, it's not like he's able to keep the driver quality up. Anyone can have a Handicap now. I mean, even Matthew McConaughey is a Handicar driver now, for Chrit's sake!\nMatthew McConaughey: Hey. [rolls up] I was drivin' a Handicar... way before I got paid to drive one. I just like how it feels.\nStephen: Look, the point is that this is your opportunity to make Handicar- oops, sorry. [loses control of the wheelchair] Hold on, sorry, went too far. [comes back around] This is your opportunity to make Handicar thee transportation of thte future. Think what you could do with all that money. [Timmy begins to think over this]\nScene Description: Wacky Races, Saturday morning. Each driver and car are shown as they are announced.\nAnnouncer: And here they are, the most daredevil group of shared-ride drivers ever to whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the future of transportation. Cars are approaching the starting line. First off is the Lyft car [a purple sedan with a huge pink mustache on the grill], a ride-sharing company out of San Francisco. next up is the ZipCar, a pay-by-the-hour concept based on Chinese bicycles. Maneuvering for position is the standard taxicab driven by an angry Russian. Right behind is the Hummer salesman in his 2014 Hummer No Class. And there's ingenious inventor Elon Musk in his new Tesla D. Oh, and here's the lovely Canadian actress Neve Campbell in the Canadian conept vehicle The Queef, powered completely on female natural gas. [she queefs to make it go faster] Next we have the Handicar with Timmy Burch. And there's the completely automated self-driving car from Japan. Limping along last are those double-dealing do-badders Dick Dasterdly and his sidekick Muttley. [Muttley snickers] And away they go on the way out Wacky Races. [a shot of the adults gathered in the Broflovski living room, with milk and Franken Berry and Kap'n Krunch cereals on the coffee table] And this live coverage of the event will be broadcast all morning, of course, on CNN.\nStuart: Jesus. It's begun.\nGerald: God help them all.\nRandy: All I know is... if Dastardly and Muttley are up to their old tricks, there's gonna be a lot of violence today.\nScene Description: BBC World\nBBC announcer: You are watching BBC World.\nBBC anchor: The vioent conflict over transport is underway, and it is even more senseless and vile than many remember. We return you now to our live coverage of.. the Wacky Races.\nScene Description: Wacky Races, Saturday monring. The race is well underway across Colorado.\nAnnouncer: As the Wacky Racers roll down the roadway, we see that the taxicab in in the lead, with Handicar pulling up the rear.\nTimmy: [way in back] Timmih!\nAnnouncer: [a map shows up] All the cars must follow the same route. First they'll leave the town of South Park, then navigate through Giggling Gulch on the final stretch to pick up the passenger, a Miss Dotty Applegate. Once the passenger is picked up, the vehicle must successfully deliver her to the destination point at her daughter's house in Morrison. [back to the race] It looks like the ZipCar is trying to vie for position past the Hummer vehicle. It's neck and neck as the Wacky Racers all push to be first to pick up the passenger. [An elderly lady waits for her ride at a Thrift Or Less store] Miss Applegate is waiting patiently. [the racers are shown] And Elon Musk's Tesla appears to take the lead.\nNathan: Slow down. I need Timmy to pick up the passenger before we do.\nElon Musk: But I though we wanted Handicar to lose the race!\nNathan: He can't just lose the race, he has to get sued and lose the whole business. That's why when he picks up the passemger, I've got a little surprise waiting for him. [he shows off a control pad]\nMimsy: D'ah hey boss, it seems like every time you come up with a plan it kind of backfires on ya. If you really don't wanna go to summer camp so bad, why don't you just tell your parents how you feel? [Nathan and Elon just look at him] You know, tell 'em you don't wanna go and just see how they react. [they keep loooking at him, and he gets a clue] Wait wait, I got it. [smacks himself] Shut up, Mimsy!\nNathan: Hey Mimsy.\nMimsy: [leans forward] Yeah?\nNathan: [smacks him] Shut up! [Mimsy sits back]\nAnnouncer: The Canadian car overtakes the self-driving car. And now here comes the ZipCar, which is being driven by Matthew McConaughey.\nMatthew McConaughey: [nice mood music in the car] I was drivin' a ZipCar... way before I got paid to drive one.\nAnnouncer: And look at this! The Lyft car is the first to arrive and pick up the passenger. [Ms Applegate gets into the back seat, and the Lyft driver takes off] Now the Lyft car must take the passenger to her destination, but look at this! The Hummer salesman is running the Lyft car off the road! And the Hummer salesman is taking the passenger to the car and he is gong to let her drive herself!\nMr. Stevenson: [pitching the Hummer to her] You've got a fully automated sound system and your sunroof is operated right here. What do you think? Huh? Can you see yourself in one of these puppies?\nAnnouncer: Elon Musk is using one of his kooky inventions to put the Hummer out of commission for good. [a cannon rises out of the Tesla and fires a shot at the Hummer. The missile hits the Hummer and blows it up.]\nGerald: Wow.\nRandy: Geez!\nStuart: God.\nRandy: Did you see that?! Oh!\nAnnouncer: The passenger is being taken to the Tesla D now. [Mr. Stevenson is dead, the Hummer is totaled. Musk escorts Miss Applegate, but the South Park taxi driver scoops her up] No way! She just got snatched by the pissed off Russian in his taxi. Miss Applegate is now in the back of the taxi and she's being forced to watch Jimmy Fallon. [Fallon is rubbing a giant pickle in his guest's face. Meanwhile, The Queef has stupped running] Uh oh, the Canadian car has completely run out of queefs. [Heve tries three times, but there are no more queefs in her] With the race neearly over, it's taxi out in front followed by self-driving car, and then pulling up in third is Handicar!\nTimmy: Timmih!\nAnnouncer: It's gonna be a close one!\nDick Dastardly: Not too close, Boopsie! [Muttley snickers]\nAnnouncer: Oh no, Dick Dastardly is up to no-do-goodery again.\nRandy: Ohh! Ohh! Duuude! [Dick Dastardly saws a tree in two, and the tree falls on the taxi, destroying it and the self-driving car that runs into the taxi. The adults in the Broflovski living room react to this]\nGerald: Oh no! Ohh!\nSharon: Oh no, I can't watch! [shields her face.]\nRandy: Oooo! Booom!\nMrs. McCormick: Ohohohh!\nStuart: Nice! Oh yeah! [Sheila just hides her eyes]\nAnnouncer: And there's Handicar to pick Miss Applegate up. [she climbs in and the Tesla is pulling up fast]\nNathan: That's it! Handicar has the passenger! We're almost in range! Another hundred feet! [sees a bunch of cars closing in on him on his phone] Wait a minute. What the hell are all those cars? [lowers his window] Holy shit! [sees a fleet of Handicar drivers coming at the Tesla]\nHC drivers: Timmy! Timmy! [the drivers just bunch up on the Tesla and push it over on its side]\nElon Musk: Aaaaaah!\nHC drivers: Timmy!\nAnnouncer: We're near the finish line; the race is almost over. Handicar is in the lead, still way out in front of the ZipCar driven by Matthew McConaughey. [a shot of Matthew listening to his mood music]\nMatthew McConaughey: Sometimes you gotta go forward by goin' backward. Are we drivin' cars or are cars... drivin' us?\nAnnouncer: Dastardly car is racing past both. [Nathan and Mimsy hijacked it. Mimsy is driving] This could be an upset, folks. [Mimsy makes a U-turn and parks the Dastardly car off the road. He and Nathan get out]\nTimmy: Timmih!\nNathan: Goodnight, you son of a bitch! [the ZipCar reaches them and Nathan presses the detonator on his control pad. The ZipCar blows up. Mimsy and Nathan take notice] Mimsy! I told you to put the explosives under Timmy's seat!\nMimsy: D'ahh you told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves!\nNathan: Not that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! [secondary explosions create a portal above Matthew McConaughey, and he's sucked in]\nAnnouncer: Oh my, it appears that an explosion has opend up a wormhole with Matthew McConaughey inside.\nMatthew McConaughey: Mimsy! [the car levitates a bit, but as soon as the wormhole is gone, it falls back on the road]\nAnnouncer: And there's the finish. It looks like Handicar has done it!\nTimmy: Timmih! [the handicapped kids all cheer]\nScene Description: The meeting room, day. Steve gives Timmy a ribbon\nSteve: A big congratulations to our fundraising champion! After selling the Handicar rights to Elon Musk, Timmy has raised 2.3 billion dollars for summer camp. [the kids cheer] Great job to all of you. This is sure to be the best summer camp ever! [more cheering]\nScene Description: Nathan's house, night.\nNathan's mom: All set for bed, honey?\nNathan: Yeah I like to sleep at nighttime.\nNathan's mom: All right, goodnight. [kisses him on the temple and heads for the door]\nNathan: Wait! [she stops] Wait, Mom? Can we talk?\nNathan's mom: Um... yes, o-of course. [sits down on his bed]\nNathan: This is very difficult, Mom. But um... You know how every year I go to summer camp? Well, I hate it. I hate it and I don't want to go anymore.\nNathan's mom: I'm sorry, I can't understand you honey. You're handicapped.\nNathan: What's to understand? I'm telling you I don't want to that stupid camp anymore!\nNathan's mom: You want water? Is that what you want?\nNathan: No! I don't wanna go to camp!\nNathan's mom: Ohhh yes, okay honey, I'll turn off the lamp. [gets up, turns it off, and walks out, closing the door behind her]\nNathan: No! That's not what I fucking said! [stumbles around in his room] Goddamnit, now I can't even see! Ow!\nScene Description: Outside Nathan's room\nNathan's dad: What's he saying?\nNathan's mom: That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip.\nNathan's dad: Right.\nNathan: [still stumbling in his room] Oh! Aah! Mimsy!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Butters' room, day. He's at his computer singing to himself.\nButters: Loo looloo loo loo loo loo, Loo looloo loo loo.\nCartman: [opens Butters' door and enters] Hey, douchebag, are you doing anything kewl?\nButters: Hey, Eric, I'm just lookin' at a video of bird eggs that I took.\nCartman: [heads for Butters' bed] Oh goddamnit, nobody's doing anything kewl! [gets on Butters' bed and lays down on his back.] I'm so bored! Everything is so stupid!\nButters: I don't know, this bird nest is pretty neato.\nCartman: No, it isn't.\nButters: My dad and I shot it yesterday at the lake.\nCartman: That's stupid.\nButters: You can see the momma bird fly in.\nCartman: I'm dying of boredom.\nButters: We took all kinds of video with his drone.\nCartman: [sits up, suddenly interested] What did you say?\nButters: [looks over his shoulder] You know, those drone thingies. You can make it fly anywhere, and shoot video, and stuff.\nCartman: Your dad has a fucking drone?\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters and Cartman lift up the garage door and behold the drone\nCartman: Whooaa! [runs up to it for a closer look]\nButters: It can fly like a quarter mile away from whoever's controlling it. And it can take video the entire time right to your phone. Don't touch the propellers.\nCartman: [pulls his finger back and smiles at Butters] You wanna take it out for a spin?\nButters: Are you crazy?! This is my dad's drone!\nCartman: [runs up to Butters and stands next to him] Do you have any idea how much fun we can have with this thing? We can spy on everyone!\nButters: My dad said it's not for spying on people.\nCartman: Butters, that's all drones are for. If we use it for a couple of minutes tonight, your dad will never know.\nButters: Oh, he'll know. You can hear it take off.\nCartman: Okay, good idea. [picks up the drone] We'll take it over to my house. Come over after dark. And don't tell anyone!\nButters: [goes to take the drone back] No, Eric. I don't wanna d-\nStephen: [off screen] Butters?\nCartman: Oh, shit, it's your dad! Go, go, go! [leaves the garage with the drone as Butters faces the source of the call, then pulls down the garage door] I'll see you later at my house.\nStephen: Butters, are you home??\nButters: Comin', Dad! [leaves the garage through the side door into the house]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's been working with the drone, figuring out how to operate it. There's a knock on his door.\nCartman: Butters, is that you?\nButters: Yes, it's me.\nCartman: [opens the door just a crack and peeks out] Nobody followed you, right? You didn't tell anybody?!\nButters: Of course not!\nCartman: Alright, come in. [opens the door to reveal Kenny] Kenny's here; I told him all about it. [Kenny waves hello]\nButters: What?! You said nobody would know!\nCartman: It's just Kenny. Like we're not gonna tell Kenny we have a fucking drone! Come on, Butters! Alright, come on, guys. I think I have this thing figured out. [outside, the drone sits in the grass in the backyard, 50 feet away from the house. Suddenly it rises to 23 feet, above the boys' heads, then veers to the right] Dude, no way! This thing is so epic! [the drone's camera shows some backyards through a fish-eye lens. A dog barks up at it from below.]\nButters: Be careful! The powerlines!\nCartman: Dude, look! There's everyone's backyards! [in the distance, Kenny's house is shown from the back two blocks away. The drone veers to the right and drops down a bit, headed for a back door] Dude there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!\nKenny: (Okay, try to get closer!)\nButters: Okay, uh, maybe that's enough. [the drone approaches Craig's window]\nCartman: Aw dude, look, there's Craig! Heheh. [Craig is shown at his computer. The drone moves to the next window and shows Craig's mom undressing.] Craig's mom is taking off her clothes.\nKenny: (Are you serious?!)\nButters: [gruffly] Let me see!\nCartman: Check it out guys, she's taking o- Oh my God, we've got full bush!\nKenny: (Stop taping!)\nButters: Jeeeeezz!\nCartman: This thing is recording, right?\nKenny: (Yeah.)\nCartman: Dude! That is Craig's mom's bush right there! Wait, wait what's that? [Craig's mom has heard the drone and called her husband Thomas over. She stands behind him as they both look at the drone outside their window] Oh shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller at Butters]\nButters: What do I do?!\nCartman: His dad sees you!\nButters: [begins to panic] I don't know what to do!\nCartman: Fly back to the house, stupid!\nScene Description: The Stotch house, night. Thomas Tucker bangs on the front door and Stephen comes to answer it.\nThomas: You've got a problem, Stotch!\nStephen: What are you talkin' about?\nThomas: You know what I'm talkin' about! There was a drone spyin' on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!\nStephen: Hey now hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.\nThomas: Horseshit! Your drone is out there flyin' around right now!\nStephen: I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you.\nScene Description: The Stotch house, garage. Stephen leads Thomas to the garage. He opens the side door\nStephen: There, you see? It's right there. [sure enough, the drone and its controller are on the garage floor as expected.]\nThomas: So, thuh so you flew it back here in time.\nStephen: I swear I didn't fly it.\nThomas: Well, these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They outta be illegal. I'd better not find out it was your drone! [hurries out of the garage. Stephen looks at the drone and wonders... spooky theremin music plays, so he's a little afraid as well]\nScene Description: Butters' room, night. Stephen opens Butters' door and looks in\nStephen: Butters?\nButters: [already in his PJs and in bed, but clearly panting] Oh, heh-hey, Dad.\nStephen: Butters, did you hear the drone making any sounds in the garage?\nButters: [panting throughout] Ah, hold on Dad. I should be sleepin'. Why do you ask?\nStephen: Nothing, son. It's nothing. Get back to sleep, pal. Love you.\nButters: I love you too, Dad. [Stephen leaves and closes the door. That was close.]\nScene Description: South Park, morning. At the bus stop, Cartman and Kenny wait for the school bus\nCartman: Alright, alright, shh Kenny, here come Stan and Kyle. Remember, not a word about this to anyone!\nKenny: (Yeah, I know, dude.)\nCartman: Not a word, Kenny!\nKenny: (Alright!) [Stan and Kyle's voices are heard]\nStan: Yeah, but seriously, it's like there's no real thing to hang on to, you know?\nKyle: Yeah, I don't even know if I'm gonna watch it anymore.\nStan: I know. [they take their places next to Cartman]\nCartman: Hey, you guys.\nStan: Sup? [the pressure gets to Cartman, but he resists. He finally cracks]\nCartman: You guys wanna see Craig's mom's bush?\nKenny: (Dude! What the fuck!)\nStan: What?\nCartman: Somebody, I guess, was spying on Craig's mom and they got pictures of her bush, and it's like, it's like a yeti. You guys wanna check it out? [whips out his phone]\nKenny: (Dude!)\nKyle: That's horrible. If that's true, I don't wanna see it.\nCartman: You don't wanna see Craig's mom's bush.\nKyle: Not if somebody took pictures without her knowing.\nStan: Let me see.\nCartman: [shows Stan] Locked and loaded. Full metal bush, bro.\nStan: How'd you get that on your phone?\nCartman: Oh. Um, uh... Kenny? [motions for Kenny to get closer, but Kenny doesn't budge] Oh, it was on the Internet. Yeah, I just downloaded it off the Internet and nobody knows who took it. Huh, Kenny?\nKenny: [grudgingly] (Uh huh.)\nKyle: That's terrible!\nCartman: I know, right? Now everyone's gonna see it.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Craig is at his locker when Jimmy, Token and Clyde approach him\nJimmy: Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [he and the other two chuckle]\nCraig: What are you talking about? [Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards the boys room]\nJimmy: Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers. [he and the other two chuckle. Cartman chuckles as well]\nCraig: For what?\nJimmy: Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom. [he and the other two chuckle. Butters comes out of nowhere and shoves Cartman into the boys room, slamming him into the stall 1 wall]\nButters: What the heck are you doing?!\nCartman: Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.\nButters: When did you put Craig's mom's bush on the Internet?!\nCartman: Butters-\nButters: You promised me we wouldn't get in trouble!\nCartman: Butters. Butters.\nButters: Now everyone is gonna know what we were doing!\nCartman: Butters, I had to! [Butters lets him go] Okay, I had to put it on the Internet!\nButters: WHY?!\nCartman: Because Stan saw the video on my phone, alright? If the video is only on my phone, then clearly we did it! If we downloaded it off the Internet, then anyone could have done it!\nButters: I should have never listened to you! Ah I should have known this would get out of hand!\nCartman: Butters, don't start playing the blame game here, okay?! You and Kenny are just as responsible! And the next time you wanna shove me, just remember, I'm covering your ass! [they leave the restroom. Stall 1 opens and Kyle steps out, angry at what he just heard]\nScene Description: Neighborhood Watch meeting, Roger Donovan's house, evening.\nRoger: Hi everyone. For those of you I don't know as well, my name is Roger Donovan, and un, just like you I'm pretty upset about what's going on in our neighborhood.\nThomas: How are these drones legal?! My wife didn't deserve to be splayed all over the Internet like that!\nRoger: Yes, well luckily nobody's watched the video of course. [a round of denials from the gathered adults] But the fact is that these drones are only getting more popular. I mean, anyone can get a drone off Amazon for 200 bucks, and there's no laws and the whole thing is pretty damned hairy. Oh-ohh, God I'm sorry Laura. [she looks around and gets mad] You know I I meant the situation is pretty hairy, right? Nothin' to do with you p-personally. I mean, how would I even know? I didn't see it. [she crosses her arms] Um...\nRandy: [stands up] Look, we're all here because what happened to Laura could happen to any of us. There's nobody regulating these drones and if we don't do something now, we're gonna be up to our navels with bush. [winces. Sharon puts her face in her left hand] Oh um, up to our necks in trouble. Sorry. [sits down and looks at Sharon]\nLaura Tucker: You know, it used to be called \"natural\". Completely shaving bald down there used to be the weird thing.\nThomas: It's okay honey, the-\nLaura: But now, because I \"choose\" not to let society dictate how hairy my vagina should be,\nRandy: Eeww.\nLaura: I'm labelled as some kind of freaking monster!\nRoger: And and and that's the point. I mean, we all have things about ourselves that are embarrassing, that that-\nLaura: I'm not embarrassed about it! It's natural!\nStuart: It's a lot of natural.\nRoger: Look, look, why we're here is because it's gonna take all of us, a neighborhood watch, to make sure that our community stays safe.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, but how can we keep that close a watch on the whole neighborhood?\nRandy: It's simple.\nScene Description: The neighborhood, day. The first Neighborhood Watch drone, which is black, appears, followed by more drones.\nRandy: Oh yeah, this is gonna work great. [smiles]\nScene Description: The bus stop. The four boys are there. A Neighborhood Watch drone flies over it and then flies off.\nKyle: Are you happy now?!\nCartman: What? [the drone returns and goes the other way]\nKyle: Is, is this? Do you think this is cool?\nCartman: What does that have to do with me?\nKyle: See, when you start invading people's privacy, eh thinking it's harmless to put up pictures of them they didn't want up - Kenny! - you start a domino effect that eventually screws everything up for everybody!\nCartman: Kenny has no idea what you're talking about, dude.\nKyle: I was in the bathroom when you were talking to Butters, Cartman! [another drone floats by in the background] I know what-\nCartman: You were what?!\nKyle: I was in the bathroom-\nCartman: You were spying on me?!\nKyle: No, I was taking a crap, and I heard you guys talking!\nCartman: But you didn't say anything?! That's fucking spying, Kyle!\nKyle: How is that spying?!\nCartman: You were listening, but we didn't know you were there?! How is that not spying?! You'r a dick! You're a spying dick! And now you wanna lecture Kenny about spying?! Fuck you, hypocrite dick spy! [another drone hovers by]\nScene Description: A strip mall, day. One of the stores there is The Hobby Enthusiast. Stephen and Butters go inside.\nClerk: Hello, can I help you?\nStephen: Yes, I'd like to return this drone. [sets it on the counter. The clerk looks through the open box]\nClerk: You wanna return it?\nStephen: Yes, I'm... I'm not into the hobby anymore.\nClerk: The hobby of flyin' drones is new and exciting. How can you not be into it? [Butters puts his arms tight against his sides and glances here and there]\nStephen: Look, something's wrong with it. It does things, it... [leans in] flies by itself.\nClerk: Uhh, noo, somebody has to control it.\nStephen: [stands straight] You don't understand. It was in the garage and the battery was fully charged. Someone said they'd seen it flying around, so I checked. [leans in] The battery was half empty.\nClerk: [looks at Butters, then back at Stephen] I'm sorry, but we don't do returns. [Butters relaxes a bit]\nStephen: Please, I just want another hobby to get enthused about.\nClerk: Sir, did you try looking at the SD card? All the video gets recorded to that so you could probably determine who flew it. [Butters tenses up again]\nStephen: You think I didn't try that? I pulled out the SD card. It was all erased. Somehow it erased everything.\nClerk: Uh, sir, did you consider that your son might have done that?\nStephen: No, it's impossible. He's not allowed to fly it without my supervision. [looks down to his right, then to his left. The clerk fixes his gaze on him]\nScene Description: A closeup of Thomas putting his pants on. He hears a Neighborhood Watch drone buzz by and looks out his bedroom windows\nThomas: Oh for God's sakes! [goes into the bathroom, where he sees Laura at the sink, having just gotten out of the shower. He also sees another drone outside the window, which has open curtains] Goddamnit get the hell out of here! [the drone hurries away, and he goes to the window and closes the curtains] That DOES IT!\nScene Description: Park County Police Department, day. The Tuckers are there to file a police report\nThomas: You people have to do something! You're the law, and these things NEED to BE illegal!\nOfficer 1: But they aren't illegal, Mr. Tucker.\nThomas: Our privacy was invaded, and now there are kids at school making music videos with the footage of my wife! Have you seen what they're doing?!\nSgt. Yates: Nono, none of us watched the video, but if we did, we could handle it. We're police officers. We see sickening things like that every day.\nOfficer 1: We understand the humiliation your wife has gone through, Mr. Tucker, but we don't-\nLaura: I haven't been \"humiliated\", I've been wronged! We are here to ask for your help, now are you gonna help us or not?!\nOfficer 1: Well that'd probably be best left to a professional hair removal company.\nOfficer 2: Or perhaps a forest ranger?\nThomas: Help us with the drones spying on us!!\nSgt. Yates: All right, all right. We'll do everything we can.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks by the boys restroom when Butters comes at him again and shoves him into the restroom, again slamming him into the stall 1 wall.\nButters: Are you out of your mind?! What are you doing?!\nCartman: Butters.\nButters: Why would you turn \"Craig's mom's bush\" into a music video starring us?!\nCartman: Because, Butters-\nButters: Why can't you leave it alone?! Why can't you just stop?!\nCartman: [brushes Butters' hands off his jacket] Because, Butters, Kyle was spying on us, okay- [stops and kneels down to see if there's anyone in the stall, then gets up again] Kyle was spying on us, and he knows that we put the video of Craig's mom on the Internet. He found out everything. That's why I had to make another video.\nButters: Why?!\nCartman: Because when Kyle said he heard us say we made the video, we can say we were talking about THIS video. \"Ohh, thank you Eric, that's pretty smart. I really owe you one.\"\nButters: That poor lady. Her vagina is everywhere. Poor Craig.\nCartman: Butters, we live in a world where privacy is gone. Okay? It's... It' just gone, bud. Your wiener, my balls, they're public domain. You can get on the Internet right now and look at that chick from Hunger Games butthole. We can either all freak out about it, or we can just calm down because honestly, I'm getting a little sick of covering your ass!\nScene Description: The neighborhood, night. A Neighborhood Watch drone flies around and hones in on the Broflovski house. Gerald is on the couch eating a slice of cake and watching TV - Real Housewives of Atlanta.\nRandy: Heheh, Gerald is watching Housewives of Atlanta.\nSharon: You're supposed to be keeping watch on the neighborhood.\nRandy: I am. Let's see what Nelson's doing. [the drone leaves the Broflovski house and hovers over to the Neloson house, where Nelson is having sex with his girl. Randy puts his wine glass on the bedstand and concentrates on the video feed. He glances at Sharon a few times to see if she's noticing. She isn't. Soon, a police drone appears, with blue and red flashing lights and a siren. It aims for Randy's drone.] Oh shit! [gets his drone to fly off, but the police drone keeps up] Dude! Neighborhood Watch! I'm Neighborhood Watch! [has the drone turn to face the police drone, which is armed. The police drone fires two rounds into Randy's drone, which falters. Sharon finally looks over] I've been shot! [his drone crashes into a backyard] No! Noooo!\nScene Description: News 4 breaking news.\nAnchor: Shock and outrage all over the state tonight after an on-duty police drone chased and shot down an unarmed civilian drone, and worst of all, yes, the civilian drone was black. [a picture of a similar drone pops up behind him]\nJimbo: What gives them the right to shoot down our drones?!\nRandy: I wasn't doing anything wrong! This is a complete outrage to drone owners everywhere!\nFarmer: It was about yay big. [strokes the back of his head] I mean the hair on it was out to here [spreads his arms out so there's three feet between his hands], and then it had another trail of hair down from her belly button. I mean, the, the drone. Yeah, that's what I saw. That that's all I saw.\nAnchor: While police claim they were only following standard protocol, the drone owners are banding together and holding a candlelight vigil.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, night. A group of civilian drones hovers down the street, each drone holding a lit candle. Sirens and lights come up and the drones turn right to see police drones approaching\nPolice drone: Please disperse. Candles on top of drones are a fire hazard, [the civilian drones look at each other] Return to your garages.\nMr. Garrison: [on his bed holding the controller and a glass of wine] What the hell are these police drones doing? We can't protest now?\nSteve: [on his bed with Linda, his wife] Just hover, honey. They can't do anything if we're just hovering.\nScene Description: Randy's house, later. Someone is banging on his front door, and he goes to answer it. It's Stephen, with Butters on the sidewalk\nStephen: [looking frazzled] Randy. We need to talk.\nRandy: Okay.\nStephen: Inside. [Randy lets him in and moments later sits on the sofa with Sharon and Butters. Stephen paces the floor before them] I've been going over it and over it in my head. I thought Butters and I were alone, but then I saw you on the news. [walks up to Randy] Another drone hobby enthusiast whose drone was blamed for something the enthusiast didn't recall doing. Randy, this is very important. Is it possible that you did something contrary to the proper code of conduct for drone-flying enthusiasts?\nRandy: No. I didn't. [theremin music starts up as Stephen walks back to where he was]\nStephen: I thought it was just my drone, but I think it might be all of them.\nRandy: What might be?\nStephen: Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth! Our drone flew! The battery was drained! The SD card was erased! Butters was the only other person who had access to it! Butters can't use the drone without my supervision! So where does that leave us, Randy??\nRandy: ...Drones are spooky?\nStephen: If they have minds of their own, they're more than spooky! I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel pretty unenthused about this hobby.\nScene Description: News 4 news break.\nAnchor: The town of South Park has become a hotbed of tension with civilians lashing out at police. After police used excessive force at a peaceful protest, the town has now broken out into full-scale riots. [sure enough, there are riots all over the place, but no humans are rioting. It's all the drones. One drone crashes into a building, then bounces off it and into a car through the windshield. Another drown crashes through Tele's display window and two others make off with a flatscreen TV] As the people of South Park continue to protest, the South Park police are now ordering a mandatory reverse curfew. The governor has asked for help from the National Guard to bring order to the town.\nScene Description: South Park, day. National Guard drones begin flying into town. In one house, a woman goes to undress. A drone stops by to get a closer look, and a second one joins it, then they both fly off. The woman hears the buzzing and looks out her window.\nScene Description: 20/20 preview\nAnnouncer: Tonight on an all-new 20/20. [a Viper probe droid appears onscreen...] A town in crisis over the matter of privacy. [...and gets a red \"NO\" circle stamped on it] Now for the first time we sit down and talk to the mom behind the bush.\nScene Description: The Tucker house. A 20/20 reporter is interviewing Thomas and Laura in low light\nReporter: You've become sort of a poster child for privacy and drone issues.\nLaura: I don't think anyone wants to live in a world where police drones are monitoring Neighborhood Watch drones. I mean, where does it stop?\nReporter: It just... keeps going on and on. Kind of like your... [Laura gets mad] I mean... it just... goes outside what most people would call... acceptable.\nLaura: Have you ever seen pictures of naked women before 2005?! It's not that weird!\nThomas: It's okay, honey.\nReporter: I didn't see the video. I don't believe in doing that, but uh... I'm just saying that... the situation in in your town is... unwieldy? [the power begins to flicker and on monitors everywhere the image of Stephen appears, with Butters behind him. Stephen now has facial hair and a paranoid look about him]\nStephen: Please do not adjust your televisions!\nReporter: What is that?\nStephen: My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom... was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby. [a shot of Gerald and Sheila in bed with their glasses of wine and their controllers] All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page, [holds up a printout of the YouTube page] it has over three hundred million views, so if none of us watched it, who did? [a shot of Gerald and Sheila, then Steve and Linda] We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. His doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's Butters, and behind him are police drones and National Guard drones\nCartman: Oh hey Butters. Sup?\nButters: Do you remember when I showed you the video of the little bird eggs? Well that's the last time I felt happy.\nCartman: Dude, what's the matter?\nButters: I have to tell the truth. I want you and Kenny to come with me and tell Craig's mom we're sorry and that we'll-\nCartman: Okay okay okay. Come inside, there's drones out here. [takes Butters in and closes the door]\nButters: I don't want anymore discussions, Eric! I don't want anymore excuses!\nCartman: Butters.\nButters: I just want to end this so we can take our punishment and be done with it!\nCartman: [while Butters speaks] Okay. Okay. Butters, Butters.\nButters: I don't want all these drones everywhere! Nobody does!\nCartman: Butters. BUTTERS. All right, all right Butters, fine! I have a way that we can get rid of all the drones.\nButters: You do?\nCartman: Yes. Everyone is sick of it, it's just that everyone is waiting for everyone else to stop. We can put an end to it all tonight. We're just gonna need one thing.\nButters: What?\nCartman: Your dad's drone.\nButters: NO! There is NO WAY I'm gonna-\nCartman: Butters. Butters Butters! Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take picture of itself! It started with her! Right? Just like this started with you spying on birds! Now I'm willing to bail you out of all this, but I swear it's the last time! Okay?!\nButters: ...Okay.\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. Stephen is at the sofa preparing a sizeable bomb. He's soldering the ends of a cable together, then takes a sip of spirits, then picks up a grenade launcher and pops a grenade in place. He stands up\nStephen: Time to end this hobby once and for all! [he moves stealthily to his garage, opens the door, and jumps in ready to blow his drone up, but finds it missing again] No! NOOOO!\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Kenny is back with Butters and Cartman as Cartman gets ready to execute his next big idea.\nCartman: [with the controller] Alright, we've got power. Prepare for takeoff.\nButters: If this doesn't work, we're dead.\nCartman: It'll work, Butters. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that drones can't resist Craig's mom. [he gets the drone going. It rises, pulling behind it a blow-up doll made to resemble Laura, with a large bushy wig over the crotch. The drone and doll hover away from Cartman's house.]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night. The police drones, some with shields, hover over the civilian drones. A news drone flies by. Both sides jockey for positions, but then notice the National Guard drones arriving. One of the civilian drones then notices the sex doll floating by. The doll floats up to the police drones and National Guard drones and they take notice too. The doll floats away and all the drones, civilian, police, and National Guard, follow. The doll floats through the town gathering more and more drones. It goes over the bridge and across Stark's Pond, luring all the drones away. Where they ended up is anybody's guess.\nScene Description: A convention room, night, several days later. Stephen Stotch is at the podium with the rest of the town seated at tables. Everyone is applauding the Tuckers, but Laura isn't pleased.\nStephen: We're here tonight to pay tribute to a woman who overcame humiliation, who rose above the monsters invading her privacy and said \"No more!\" Just when it seemed that we were about to live in a world controlled by drones, she did something miraculous. And someday, our children's children will still be telling stories about how Craig' mom flew through the town and led all the drones away. [more applause, and Laura buries her face in her right hand. A minstrel with lute comes out to sing Laura's praises]\nMinstrel: Have you heard the tale of Craig's mom's bush And the night that it saved us from drones? Nobody knew the power it had. They just thought it was shaggy and gross. Craig's mom live a life of shame and despair Everyone feared her great giant bush!\nLaura: They didn't!\nMinstrel: But then when drones were filling the sky, She unfurled her bush and she used it to fly. Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush. Gargantuan thicket of madness. Bigger than earth and denser than gold. Truly a magical bush to behold.\nScene Description: Butters' and Cartman's table. Butters is a bit distraught. The minstrel continues with the lute and some whistling\nCartman: Well, you see, Butters, everything worked out. [Butters doesn't respond] \"Oh, thank you, Eric. I screwed up everything, but now everyone's happy. Thanks for covering my ass.\"\nButters: Craig's mom doesn't seem very happy.\nCartman: [taken aback, then sighs] Alright, I have a way that we can make Craig's mom happy.\nButters: No! No, no! I'm sorry. Thank you, Eric! I screwed up everything, but now everyone's happy! Thanks for covering my ass!\nCartman: You're welcome. [the minstrel begins to sing again]\nMinstrel: And she flew and she flew away into the sun And then she died. Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush. Truly a magical bush to behold."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is full of students. Kyle walks down the hallway. Jimmy passes him going the other way, but notices him and walks over.\nJimmy: Oh! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks over his shoulder] Kyle, hang on a sec. [He's holding his phone, on which is a Terrance & Phillip game]\nKyle: [turns to face him] Hey, Jimmy. What's up?\nJimmy: Not much. I just wanted to make sure you heard the fuh-fantastic news. There's a new Terrance & Phillip mobile game, and it's so amazing and incredibly fun.\nKyle: Oh. Really?\nJimmy: Yeah! And the most unbelievable part? It's totally free. You should download it to your phone right now. I mean, come. On. If it's free, why wouldn't you?\nKyle: [considers it for a moment] Cool. Thanks, Jimmy, well, I'll check it out.\nJimmy: You betcha, pal. [grins. Kyle turns and walks away and the grin fades. Jimmy turns and continues on his way]\nScene Description: Close-up view of the Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game\nAnnouncer: The Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game. [The game goes from the splash screen to a layout of their town, starting at their house. Coins float over the streets, ready to be grabbed. The announcer pops into view] In this game, you are Terrance & Phillip. Can you collect all the Canadian coins? *poot* [disappears.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, side entrance. Kyle has downloaded the game and is now playing it while Butters sits next to him on the steps and watches. Kyle taps on a coin...\nAnnouncer: That's one coin. Can you collect more? [Kyle taps on more coins on the screen] You've collected ten Canadian coins! [a big red 10 appears on a yellow star] Congratulations! [that word, also in red, appears above the 10] Hey, you're really good at this, guy!\nKyle: What?\nButters: Congratulations, Kyle.\nAnnouncer: [pops up again] With Canada coins, you can buy stuff that helps Terrance & Phillip rebuild Canada. [only five buildings, all houses, are shown, with the rest of the area being undeveloped] Run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk! [a Royal Bank price chart appears, with purchases going from 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents to 5700 for $50] How many Canadian coins would you like to buy?\nKyle: This is stupid!\nButters: Well, it's just 49 cents for the cheapest one. [Kyle taps on the button and coins pop out at him]\nAnnouncer: You buy 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents! You're amazing! Now use that Canadough to help rebuild Canada! Click to build a hospital here. [a floating red arrow pops up on the empty block across from Terrance & Phillip's house. Kyle taps on it and the hospital appears]\nTerrance & Phillip: Yaaay!\nKyle: It's still stupid and now I paid 49 cents for it!\nCartman: [approaching wit Kenny] What are you two boners doing?\nButters: We're playing the Terrance & Phillip Freemium Game.\nCartman: I played that thing; it's fuckin' dumb. I ended up paying like five bucks.\nKyle: Who makes this crap?\nScene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. It's a busy place, as suits go in and out of the building. A hockey skater zips by on the street with a puck. Inside, in a meeting room, two men are at a table. One of them is on a laptop while the other watches. The meeting room is ringed with curtains\nMinister: Oh! It's tewwific! That's 200,000 more American dollars in just one day!\nPrince: Where is the roof on this thing?\nTerrance: [the double doors burst open and Terrance & Phillip storm their way in] What's the big idea making a mobile game without our approval?!\nMinister: Ohh, Terrance & Phillip! How are Canada's two favorite buddies?\nPhillip: What gives you the right to make a stupid Terrance & Phillip mobile game?! Who do you think you are?!\nPrince: Oh, I'm only the Prince of Canada! And this happens to be the Minister of Mobile Gaming.\nMinister: We thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game-eh.\nPhillip: It's the dumbest game ever! All you do is collect and spend Canadough!\nPrince: Ey! We know the game's not great, but who cares? It's free!\nPhillip: But it's not free! If you charge 40 cents here and 50 cents there, then it's not free!\nMinister: [low voice] They see through the charade.\nPrince: Uh oh, you think so?\nMinister: I think they see through the charade, yes.\nPrince: I'm pretty sure they can hear us too. [Yes, and they're not pleased one bit.]\nMinister: Alright, fuck it! You've seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. Charade up! [walks up to a large heavy rope and pulls on it. A bell sounds and the curtain around the room go up, revealing white boards that show how the mobile game is set up. Terrance & Phillip are suddenly bewildered] Allow me to explain the science behind micropay premium gaming. For years, gaming was simple: you pay for the game and you enjoy. With mobile apps, we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid. But if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded!\nPrince: Free\"mium\". The \"mium\" is Latin for \"not really.\"\nMinister: It's a simple cycle, a never-ending loop based on RPGs: Explore -> Collect -> Spend -> Improve. But whereas those just use the concept of XP or Experience Points, we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money. Money. Money. Money money money money.\nPrince: It's what everyone is doing. Freemium games are what's now. And it's all just a lot of harmless fun!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, evening. Randy and Sharon have Stan on the sofa\nRandy: You're in big trouble, Stanley! Can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489 on a mobile app?! [whips out a phone bill. Sharon's arms are crossed]\nStan: I'm sorry. I didn't realize I spent that much.\nRandy: You didn't realize! What are \"Canadian coins\"?\nStan: You buy Canadian coins so you have Canadough.\nRandy: Stan, just because I make a good living with my music doesn't mean you can go blow it all on Canadough!\nStan: I'll pay you back for it, okay?!\nRandy: How?!\nStan: I don't know, I'll figure it out! Jesus Christ!\nScene Description: The master bedroom, later. Randy changes into red pajamas while Sharon is already in her white ones sipping some water.\nRandy: Can you believe him?! He knew how much he was spending! He knew he'd get in trouble, but it didn't matter! [Sharon lies down] I hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa.\nSharon: Wull whattaya mean?\nRandy: [faces Sharon] Dad's always had a gambling problem. He's got total addiction tendencies. Could he have somehow... passed those demons down to Stan?\nSharon: Well then you certainly have some of those problems too with drinking.\nRandy: I had a problem, but I was able to stop. Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine. But with Stan, I think there's some darkness inside him that... doesn't... allow him to stop.[dramatic exit music]\nScene Description: Back to the Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming.\nMinister: And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cha-chings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency-\nPrince: So they'll forget they're spending money.\nMinister: -and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.\nPhillip: We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it- just at least be fun?\nMinister: No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun. [the Prince gives Terrance and Phillip each a check.]\nTerrance: What's this?\nPrince: Your checks of course. For ten million American dollars. Each.\nTerrance: So this is- Everyone is doing this?\nMinister: Ehhhveryone is doing it.\nPhillip: It's just the way things are going?\nMinister: It's the way things are going!\nTerrance: Well, I guess if everyone is just paying forty cents at a time it can't be that bad.\nScene Description: Stan's bedroom, day. Stan is playing the Terrance & Phillip mobile game in bed\nTerrance: [in the game] Hey Phillip! [Stan's bedroom door opens and in walk Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman]\nStan: Ohhh hey guys.\nKyle: You... missed school today?\nStan: Yeah, I just wasn't feelin' the best.\nKyle: Did you play the Terrance & Phillip freemium game all day?\nStan: Well yeah, I was sick in bed. What else was I gonna do?\nCartman: How much money did you micropay today, Stan?\nStan: Nothing! Dude, I bought like $10 worth of Canadough. But check it out, I unlocked the stadium in Toronto. [smiles]\nKyle: You spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium?\nStan: You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play?\nCartman: Yes.\nStan: It's just something to kill some time. Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out.\nKyle: Waitwaitwait, Jimmy told you about this game?\nCartman: Jimmy told me about this game.\nKyle: Kenny, who told you about this game?\nKenny: (Jimmy.)\nKyle: Dude, what?!\nCartman: The?!\nKenny: (Fuck?!)\nScene Description: A street corner in South Park, near a fast-food restaurant. Jimmy stands there with phone in hand. He spots someone.\nJimmy: Pssst. Hey, kid. Come over here. [a boy crosses the street and stands next to him] Yeah, come on over. Ch-check this out. You looking to have some fun?\nBoy: What do you mean?\nJimmy: The Terrance & Phillip mobile game. [whips it out] All the cool kids are usin' it.\nBoy: Aw, I don't know.\nJimmy: Come, on, just try it out. You can be Terrance or Phillip or both. You can walk around and collect Canada cash to build new stuff. [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny appear at the other end of the block and spot him, then walk towards him a few seconds later] It's the perfect thing if you're bored. And honestly, the best part about it, is it's free. I mean, come. On. Why wouldn't you download it, and just try it out? [the boys reach him]\nKyle: Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk?\nJimmy: Why sure fellas. [the boy turns left and walks away] Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid.\nKyle: [walks up to him] Dude, what are you doing?!\nJimmy: Just hangin' out. What are you up to?\nKyle: You need to stop recommending that app to people!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nCartman: Everyone we know says they heard about it from you!\nJimmy: I just think it's a fabulous app, that's all.\nCartman: It's not a fabulous app! It's fuckin' stupid!\nKyle: [crosses his arms] Let me ask you something, Jimmy: What happens on level 2 after you get the Ontario Nugget?!\nJimmy: [on the spot] Alright, alright! I never played it. I stay away from the stuff.\nKyle: You just push it on other people?!\nJimmy: They pay me to!\nKyle: Who, Jimmy?! Who pays you?!\nScene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Prince looks out over the new construction going on in the city, then turns around\nPrince: You've both done an amazing job. New hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game.\nTerrance: Ahh, listen, ahh, we've been talking it over, and we really are uncomfortable with this freemium thing.\nMinister: Oh. Ah what is the matter?\nPhillip: It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect. [Terrance jumps up and farts on Phillip, who laughs.]\nPrince: But just look at all the things we're getting to build. Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan.\nTerrance: We're just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford.\nMinister: Hoh non! Well, we certainly wouldn't want that! [gasps] Oh! I have an idea! How about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and, we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in \"moderation\"?\nPrince: Ohhhhh. [claps furiously]\nPhillip: Do you really think that would help?\nMinister: Of course! The alcohol industry does it all the time!\nScene Description: Live commercial for alcohol. A montage of people enjoying alcohol and the good life that often accompanies it.\nAnnouncer: You. Friends. Fun. Drink. Hot girls. You're hot. Drink more. Expensive cars. Ass, drink, ass, money, you in a tuxedo, threesomes, vodka, pussy, drink, drink, drink, you, drink, Vegas, fun, pussy, you, in a tuxedo, fucking this girl, vodka, drink drink drink drink it all you fucking pussy! MORE TUXEDOS, MORE CARS, MORE PUSSY, MORE VODKA, DRINK DRINK DRINK! [screen goes black with \"Drink Responsibly\" in white on it] Please drink responsibly.\nScene Description: Three Feathers Casino, day. The camera pans from left to right. Randy appears in the far end of the casino and walks to the right\nRandy: Come on. This way, Stan. I want you to see this. There you go. [Stan catches up] That's your grandpa. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. Sound familiar? All the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine. [they approach Marvin] Come on Dad, we're going home.\nMarvin: [playing at a 25 cent Lucky Unicorn slot machine] Ah, go away.\nRandy: Do you know what you've done to your grandson? You've infected him with your bullshit!\nMarvin: What are you talkin' about?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, some time later, day. Randy is pacing the floor in front of the sofa as Stan and Marvin sit and listen\nRandy: I just don't understand what is wrong with you two! What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you?!\nStan: It's just...\nMarvin: It's fun.\nStan: Yeah, it's fun.\nRandy: It's not fun! You two have demons you're trying to compensate for!\nMarvin: Well what about you?! You're havin' a glass of wine!\nRandy: I'm not having a glass of wine, I'm having six! [walks up to a small buffet cabinet on which sit six different glasses of wine, from syrah to rosé] It's called a tasting, and it's classy![Marvin looks away]\nStan: Dad, I'm not addicted. I can stop. I just like playing it, but I don't have to. I'll prove it.\nMarvin: [faces forward] Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop.\nRandy: All right. And if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore. [gulps down the glass of Merlot] HM. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry aftertones. *uurp*\nScene Description: Jimmy's house. He stands by a window contemplating\nJimmy: Is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their feh-f-free time? I was just a middleman. [turns around and walks across the room] People were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. I'm not the one who made it.\nKyle: But you accepted money from the Canadian government! To push a freemium game on us! Why would they do that?!\nJimmy: How do you get people addicted to crack? You give it away for free. You give away a little taste and then... and then some people... can't stop themselves.\nCartman: [approaches Jimmy and grabs him by the shirt collar] And now Stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing that he can't even see through it! How could you sell out your friend?!\nJimmy: I needed the money, alright?! [Cartman releases him and he walks off a bit] I downloaded Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest because it was free. I love the sparkly little gems. The sounds they made when I got new ones. Then I made my first in-app purchase. Before I knew it I had spent my allowance, then my birthday money, I LOST my CRUTCHES!\nKyle: You have your crutches!\nJimmy: It's a figure of speech with crippled people. We'd say we lost an arm and a leg, but they ain't worth much.\nCartman: That makes sense.\nKyle: You're saying these games do this on purpose?!\nJimmy: [faces the boys] Why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you haven't played in a while? It's called a trigger. A quick image to trigger the addict's brain. They know exactly what they're doing.\nScene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's awake in bed looking at the ceiling. The first notification comes in on his phone\nVoice Notification: Hey, buddy. Come on, guy. [Stan turns to his left side and the notification disappears, but just as he closes his eyes another one follows.] Come back, friend. You've got new buddies, guy. [Stan takes his pillow and puts it over his head. The third notification comes in] We've just given you 5000 Canadian coins. [Stan quickly looks at his phone] Enjoy your Canadough.\nStan: ...Free? [puts his pillow back on the mattress, grabs the phone and starts playing again]\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen, day. Randy and Stan are in it\nRandy: What is wrong with you, Stan?! You said you stopped buying Canadough!\nStan: I didn't think I spent that much. I, I clicked on a few micropays and it just kinda added up.\nRandy: $26,000??? Do you know how many songs I have to write to make back that much money?!\nStan: One?\nRandy: Oh, it's just nothing' to you, isn't it?!\nStan: No, no, it's not.\nRandy: You need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay?!\nStan: I don't know how you can say that when you're standing here chugging beer!\nRandy: I am not chugging beer! [walks up to the breakfast table on which are eight glasses of wine and eight of beer, paired up. He's gone through four pairs already] I'm sampling a flight of gluten-free German lagers with a French wine pairing! It's called a smorgaswein, and it's elegantly cultural! [plops the fifth lager into the fifth wine glass and chugs down the pair, then blows a whistle while shaking his head with his hands. Stan has nothing to say.]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan walks over to it and rings the doorbell. Kyle answers the door.\nStan: Okay, I need help. [sometime later Cartman, Kenny and Jimmy arrive, and Stan picks up where he left off. The conversation moves to the living room, and Kyle gives Stan a comforting tap on the right shoulder] There is something different about me, you guys. I know the game is stupid, and it actually isn't even fun anymore. I don't understand.\nJimmy: Fellas, can I have a moment with Stan, please?\nKyle: Sure. Come on, guys. [he, Cartman and Kyle walk away]\nJimmy: This is my fault, Stan. I should have never told you the game was fuh fufuh fan-fantastic.\nStan: It's not your fault. It's something to do with my family. It's like a curse.\nJimmy: I know this stuff is hard to understand. Trust me, I know. I'm an addict too. But I got help.\nStan: How?\nJimmy: What all the addiction programs say is true. You've gotta reach out to a higher power, Stan. You've gotta get down on your knees, and you've gotta say \"I have a problem.\" And you've gotta ask that higher power for help. [Stan is left deep in thought]\nScene Description: The Broflovski kitchen, at the same time. The other boys are in there waiting for Jimmy and Stan\nKyle: [brainstorming] We have to find a way to get the word out! People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems! There has to be a way that we can get to the news company, and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then-\nCartman: It's done. [he had been texting on his phone]\nKyle: Wuh, what's done?\nCartman: The word is out. [shows him the phone] \"Terrance & Phillip hire pushers to make money off addicts.\" I tweeted it. [glances at his phone's screen] It's trending.\nScene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. Terrance & Phillip burst through the doors again\nTerrance: You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?!\nPrince: You what?\nMinister: Now hold on, Terrance & Philip, there's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game.\nPhillip: But there's something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses!\nTerrance: You didn't build a mobile game, you built an addiction machine!\nPrince: Minister of mobile gaming, what's this all aboot?\nMinister: Alright, alright, you've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. [pulls down on the heavy rope again and new, prepared whiteboards come down over the used ones. The doors close and the room gets dim.] The truth is, a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay two hundred bucks for a game that's not even worth forty cents.\nTerrance: But then all our profits come from people with problems.\nMinister: Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke.\nPhillip: [snorts the bump] Okay, but we still won't stand for this!\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. He's kneeling by the side of his bed, looking up at the moon. Then he gets to prayer\nStan: I don't know if you're listening, but... I guess I have something inside me that I can't control. Something... kind of dark. Please... help show me the way? [a bright, fiery light appears behind him and he turns to look at it. Satan emerges from it]\nSatan: You have summoned the Prince of Temptation! For what purpose?!\nStan: Whoa, shit. Uhhh, I have addiction demons and I don't understand them.\nSatan: Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul! [moments later he's on Stan's bed, the fiery light gone] So you got dopamine, right? That's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable, like eating, sex, and that's just nature, right? Like rabbits and fish and shit. They need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce.\nStan: Okay.\nSatan: But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. You know, it's not fuckin' rocket science, this stuff.\nStan: So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?\nSatan: Fuck no! It's like, okay, it's like being diabetic. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way, you know, you've been eatin' gluten and shit, and then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked, and now you're diabetic forever, right? So like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, ummm, a dopamine fuckup, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life.\nStan: So what does that mean? I I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything?\nSatan: Yeah, that's pretty much what it means.\nStan: The addict people said something about me filling a hole.\nSatan: Well who's not filling a fuckin' hole? Right? You know, I mean what kind of bullshit is that? So, let's talk about genetics now. You still have time?\nStan: Yeah, no, this is great.\nSatan: Okay, let me get some visual aids. Gimme juuust a sec.\nScene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Minister continues with his lecture\nMinister: Here is a fact: 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot machine tactics, freemium games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers.\nPhillip: Oh God, he just doesn't stop!\nTerrance: Who IS this guy?!\nMinister: We're building a new Canada with micropayments from addicts! Who cares?! You think the fucking alcohol industry cares?! They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted, they're COUNTING on it!! It's the same with us, but we've got our eyes on every addict's screen! [the whiteboards begin to dissolve into the walls, with the words floating around independently]Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats!\nPhillip: Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in Devil's Advocate?!\nMinister: Hohon, I'm much worse than the Devil. [he transforms into a Canadian devil and floats up towards the ceiling] I'm the Canadian Devil. [laughs]\nTerrance: Oh dear God! It's the Canadian Devil!\nPhillip: Beelzeboot!\nBeelzeboot: You discovered my plan, but too late! [lets out a flaming turd] Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me!\nTerrance: Oh no!\nPrince: Oh, what have I done?!\nBeelzeboot: Heheheh! Hahaha! [lets out a flaming turd]\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. Satan continues his talk with Stan, this time with a small whiteboard\nSatan: So basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff.[puts the whiteboard aside] Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ?\nStan: I guess so, but why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there?\nSatan: You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal, I have to put temptation out there too, so people have free will and all that shit. But ,you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay.\nVoice Notification: *Ding* Ey, buddy, where'd you go? Don't you want more Canadough?\nSatan: What's this?\nStan: That's what I've been addicted to. It's a freemium game sending me push notifications. [Satan taps the screen, stands up, and plays the game]\nSatan: What, you just collect coins?\nAnnouncer: How much money can you buy today?\nSatan: No, see, if something's addictive because it's fun, that's one thing. But this is just blatant Skinner box manipulation. Wait a minute. Who put this out?\nStan: Ah, Canada?\nSatan: Oh that son of a bitch! He's always doing this shit! I tell him, \"temptation has to be nuanced!\" but he goes and does this crap again! I'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. Is that alright?\nStan: ...Okay. [Satan proceeds to possess Stan] Aaaaahhh!\nScene Description: The Marsh living room, moments later. Randy and Sharon are on the sofa. Randy wears a beer hat with two cans of gluten-free PBR attached to it, one by each ear\nRandy: Oh pass interference! Interference! [points at the TV. Stan walks by]\nSharon: Stan, where are you going? [Randy looks over]\nStan: [with Satan's voice] I shall return. Do not attempt to stop me. [continues out the door]\nRandy: Told ya. Kid's got demons. I don't do that. [Sharon looks at him]\nScene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, under a fiery sky.\nNC 9 Reporter: Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight. When the Prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the Canadian Devil.\nBeelzeboot: [flies up to the microphone] Hey, guy, I'm the Canadian Devil. [lets out a flaming turd and flies back into the Department]\nNC 9 Reporter: The Canadian Devil now has complete control of the soul of every Canadian. This is a sad day for Canada, and therefore, the world. [Beelzeboot goes to torture Terrance, Phillip, and the Prince, who now hang from chains tied to the ceiling]\nBeelzeboot: Heh heheheh, I stab you. [Satan, now in Stan's body, appears outside the meeting room and blows the doors off, then walks in]\nSatan: Beelzeboot! Once again you lack any sense of nuance!\nPhillip: Who the fuck is that?\nBeelzeboot: Well well, my overachieving doppelganger! You're no match for Canadian Satan! [lets out a flaming turd]\nSatan: Return from whence you came! [purple balls of energy appear around his hands, and they produce two beams of flame which carry Beelzeboot out into the sky]\nBeelzeboot: Ow! Watch it, guy! [the battle continues in the sky]\nNC 9 Reporter: Sadly, a shocking turn of events here as the actual Devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the Canadian Devil! This is certainly a conundrum for Canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. For that, let's ask the Minister of Sports in Edmonton. [The Canadian Minister of Sports appears on split screen]\nMinister of Sports: Well of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the Canadian Devil. But then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years.\nCanadian: Screw that, go Canada!\nSatan: Enough, Beelzeboot! Thy end has come. [the balls of energy reappear and this time he aims the flames down at Beelzeboot. He destroys the Department in the meantime. Flaming skulls appear and go back into the pit Satan created]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle play basketball there when the ground next to them opens up and a bunch of red arms lift Stan out, repairing the court just before Stan lands on it.\nKyle: Hey dude.\nStan: Hey.\nKyle: Y-you alright?\nStan: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay. [turns away and walks off the court]\nCartman: Cool.\nScene Description: Canada. There's a huge celebration, and the Prince steps up tp the podium\nPrince: My fellow Canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. We have all learned a tragic lesson together: that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian Devil. We will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [cheers erupt from the crowd]\nScene Description: The Marsh dining room. Grandpa and Stan are playing a board game\nStan: I'm gonna move here and here, and then I'm gonna roll to kill this zombie.\nMarvin: Well okay, good idea. [Stan rolls the dice]\nRandy: [stops by with an ornate silver cup] What are you gaywads doin'?\nStan: We're playing board games, so that Grandpa avoids the casino and I avoid freemium apps.\nRandy: Well all right! Good for you guys. Tell you what, I'll join you. Board games go good with a glass of wine. [takes a seat]\nStan: That's not a glass, that's a trophy, that you won, for drinking.\nRandy: It's not drinking. It's called a White Zinfandel Sipping Sprint, and it's competitive. Get off your high fuckin' horse.\nStan: Your turn, Grandpa. If you roll a five or a six, you can kill these zombies. [Marvin takes the dice and rolls them]\nRandy: You guys wanna put some money on it? [Stan bangs his head on the table.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hallway wearing a fake Oculus headset. He stumbles along as if he's actually in virtual reality. He checks out the other kids, the floor, the surroundings...\nButters: WHOOAA! It's all so real! Uh this is amazing! It's like I'm there! [Craig turns to watch] I see all our friends at school. Oh wow! If I hold up my hands, I can see them too. Whooaa... [He and Stan bump into each other and Butters begins to run his hands over him] Wow, you were right. I can actually feel it.\nStan: [holding Butters off] Butters, what the hell are you doing?\nButters: I feel Stan! He looks totally real!\nCartman: [hidden around the corner, in front of the camera] That's awesome, Butters. [snickers away from the walkie-talkie] Keep making your way down the hallway. Your vital signs are looking good. What do you see now? [snickers away from the walkie-talkie]\nButters: More of the school. [Clyde talks to Bebe, who then leaves]\nClyde: What are you doing, Butters?\nButters: The school and all the kids. [Clyde walks away] I still can't hear any sound except for your voice.\nCartman: Yeah, they haven't worked out the audio yet, but I- [mutes the walkie-talkie and whispers] He's so fucking stupid. [un-mutes it] But I'm sure they will soon.\nButters: [beginning to wobble] Ah, okay uh, I think I'm done, Eric. Ah I'm feeling kind of dizzy and uh- [about to take off the fake headset]\nCartman: [watching him from around the corner] Butters, no! Are you crazy?!\nButters: What what what?\nCartman: What did I tell you about removing the headset when you're not back in the access hub??\nButters: [turns so that he's facing away from the camera] Oh yeah, that it would split my neurons and scramble my brains! I forgot!\nCartman: You forgot your neurons would be torn apart?! Did you also forget that if you die in virtual reality you die in real life, Butters?!\nButters: I'm sorry!\nCartman: You need to find your way back to my room. Can you do that??\nButters: Yeah.\nCartman: You only have eight minutes before the battery protocol dies, Butters. You have to hurry!\nButters: [begins to run] Oh Jesus! [Cartman looks on from around the corner]\nScene Description: From school to home. Butters comes out the front doors and runs to the sidewalk. He looks both ways and runs off to his left. Next, Cartman's house is shown the Cartman's room. Butters makes it inside, where Cartman has put up fluorescent posters and accents\nButters: Okay, I'm back in your room!\nCartman: Alright Butters, sit down at the computer. [Butters does this] Now drop the suppornity window! We're just gonna make it!\nButters: [drops a shield over the glasses] Suppornity window dropped. [Cartman enters his room, locks the door and turns on the lights, then walks over to Butters and removes the fake headset. Butters wipes his eyes]\nCartman: Welcome back, dude.\nButters: Wow! That was cool!\nCartman: How do you feel? Do you feel okay?\nButters: I touched Wendy's boob. [smiles]\nScene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman is at table with Kyle, Token, Kenny, Stan, and Jimmy. Cartman is laughing his ass off, but soon gets back to his story\nCartman: And then, and then he, he took off the shop goggles, and he was all like, \"Whoa, I'm back.\" [pounds his left fist on the table] Damn it if it's not the awesomest thing ever!\nStan: Sound pretty typical to me.\nCartman: Come on, guys! This is the cure de gars of Butters' torture!\nKyle: Coup de grah, Cartman\nCartman: Thank you, Kyle.\nStan: Poor Butters. Can't you just leave him alone?\nCartman: Dude, Butters is an asshole, and he deserves to be taken down once in a while, okay?!\nButters: Hey Eric! What'd ya say to the principal for missing first period? [in a knowing voice] Not that we were doing anything interesting. Right Eric? [chuckles]\nCartman: Yeah, I just told her I was running late and that it won't happen again.\nButters: You know what I said? She asked me why I wasn't in school and I said \"Well, technically I was in school.\" Tee hee. Sorry guys, but Eric and I know a little something you don't. Not that it's anything that cool. Right Eric?\nCartman: Right Butters. [softly over his left shoulder] These guys are so dumb, huh?\nButters: Yeah. [runs off with his food tray]\nCartman: See? He's an asshole. Fuck him.\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. Butters is at the computer while Cartman holds the fake headset in hand\nCartman: Each time you go into the virtual world it becomes more and more dangerous. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Butters?\nButters: Well, not a hundred percent...\nCartman: Even 10% is good enough. Here you go. [hands him the headset and Butters puts it on.]\nButters: Okay, subject is ready.\nCartman: [picks up the walkie-talkie] Okay, Butters, I'm booting up the core competency now. [presses a few keys on the keyboard] Edifice framework is online. Vital signs appear to be normal. Interim status?\nButters: Interim status is go.\nCartman: [turns off the room light so the fluorescent lights stand out] Digital malcontent now at parameter alpha. Prepare for full graphic interfaces on my mark: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, [raises the shield]Mark. [quickly hides in the closet as Butters gets accustomed to the headset again]\nButters: It worked! I'm back in. All systems normal.\nCartman: All right, Butters. Behind you you should see the door. Go through it and head outside.\nButters: Going now! [bumps into the door frame, then goes downstairs. A second or two later Cartman comes out of the closet, turns on the light, goes to his computer and sits on his chair]\nCartman: Everything looks good, Butters. You're doing great. Let's get to work.\nButters: Okay.\nScene Description: Stan's room, night. Stan is reading a book when he heats something outside. He sets the book aside and looks out his window. He sees Butters shoveling snow off people's driveways\nButters: How much more of this am I supposed to clear up?\nCartman: You're doing great. Almost done with this level Butters. Just make sure you clear the driveway and uh walkway of all the virtual snow.\nButters: Okay. It's so realistic. [a shot of Stan watching from across the street.] The snow looks kind of fake though. [Stan leaves the window] Alright, I think that's all of it.\nCartman: Okay, nice, Butters. Uhhm, now go to the front door and ring the doorbell. This is the part where you collect the money.\nButters: [rings the doorbell. A middle-aged woman answers the door with a dollar bill in her hand] There's an old fat lady here! She's holding out money for me!\nCartman: Just take the money, Butters! [Butters reaches for the bill and takes it.]\nButters: Okay, I got it!\nCartman: You got the money? [Butters walks down the walkway as the lady closes the front door] Okay great, Butters. Now get back to the access point.\nButters: Already? Oh no!\nCartman: Yeah, Butters, the discrepancy bars are oscillating. You need to uh, come back. [eats some more chips] Are you heading back Butters? [no reply.] Butters? [Butters goes home] Alright, Butters, you should be heading back to the access point now. You're going off grid.\nButters: I'm sorry, Eric, but there's just one thing I gotta do real quick. [goes inside, leaving the front door open]\nStephen: There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?!\nButters: Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters!\nStephen: I know that! What do you-?\nButters: This is for all the times I got grounded! [makes a fist and fires it at Stephen's groin. Stephen doubles over in pain]\nStephen: Ohhh! Oooooo! Ohhh!\nButters: HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [at the other end of the call, Cartman is shocked] Haha! How do you like that, Dad?!\nLinda: Butters, why?? Oh my God!\nButters: Huh, that was incredible!\nCartman: [getting worried] Uh, Butters, uhh, get back to the access point now.\nButters: I feel amazing! [giggles] I'm back outside now. I'm a baaaaad man! You hear me?! [starts throwing rocks] Eh take that, you stupid cars! [a hit car screeches to a halt]\nDriver: [steps out of the car] What the hell are you doing, kid?!\nCartman: Butters, it's, uhh, time to stop. Get back to my place.\nButters: [knocks the driver out of the car] Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like Grand Theft Auto!\nDriver: Hey! [Butters peels away]\nButters: Whoa! I'm in the car now.\nCartman: Oh shit! [runs outside] Butters! Butters, where are you now?\nButters: Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here.\nCartman: Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?\nButters: I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!\nCartman: Wait, hang on Butters!\nButters: Take that, you dumb hooker!\nHooker: What you doin' motherfucker?!\nButters: I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.\nCartman: Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destablilzing!\nButters: I can't [wheeze] I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh... I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!\nCartman: Butters?? Butters?? [turns the walkie-talkie off]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, now bigger, with two new wings and four floors. Moon shadows appear on the facade. Butters is in a room with a doctor and a nurse\nDr. Carroll: You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch.\nButters: I... I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah I thought I was just in a virtual reality.\nDr. Carroll: No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine.\nButters: Aw nuts!\nDr. Carroll: Try and relax, and when your parents get here we'll sort this all out. [the doctor and nurse leave. The nurse turns off the light]\nButters: I wonder how long I'm grounded for?\nCartman: Butters. [Butters looks to his right. Dramatic camera pan from Butters to Cartman, who stands on the window sill like Morpheus]\nButters: Ahhh!\nCartman: Are you okay?\nButters: Eric! Uh what are you doing here?\nCartman: I'm not here, Butters.\nButters: What?\nCartman: This is going to be hard to understand, Butters, [climbs down to the floor] but, you've become trapped in a simulation. None of this... [spreads his arms out] is real.\nButters: [looks around skeptically] Nuh uh!\nCartman: Yeahuh huh. I told you never to take the headset off outside the access point, didn't I?! We're actually both in my house right now. You're wearing the headset and I'm talking to you as a computer program. That's why I can... manipulate reality. [pulls off the missing thumb trick.]\nButters: WHAT?? [Cartman puts on a couple of thumb lights and clicks them on and off in alternate order.]\nCartman: You see, in this world, things aren't... what they seam. [pulls out a wand from his sleeve and produces a bouquet of flowers from it]\nButters: [now on edge] Aghah. Okay, stop! Stooop!\nCartman: Listen to me carefully, Butters. The Oculus Compromise has been streamlined. You can't trust anyone in this reality. Say nothing to no one about the Oculus Rift. If you think they know, they will kill you.\nButters: Ah how do you know that?!\nCartman: [pressing a buzzer] How would I know that the nurse is about to walk through that door? [hides under the bed]\nNurse: Everything okay in here?\nButters: Aaaaah! Yes! Y-yes everything's fine!\nNurse: O-kay. [turns around and walks out. Cartman comes out from the window side of the bed]\nCartman: Butters.\nButters: NO!\nCartman: I'm gonna get you back to reality, Butters. But you have to give me time! I've gotta go. The Orion parameters are embellishing. Just stay quiet! [performs another trick in which he gets a coin inside a glass bottle... and succeeds]\nButters: [thoroughly scared, shuts his eyes] AAAAAAHAHAH! [he opens them moments later and Cartman is gone.]\nScene Description: The bus stop, next day. The four boys await the bus. Kyle is angry at Cartman\nKyle: Well? Are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized!\nCartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it. [gets a call] What's a 911 area code? Hello?\nSteve: Hello, Eric. My name is Steve from Oculus Customer Service. There seems to be an error with our virtual headsets, and on behalf of the company, I would like to apologize and try to help.\nCartman: With what?\nSteve: This is going to be very jarring for you, but, there has been a malfunction with the headset you ordered from us. Right now, you're actually in your room at your computer wearing an Oculus headset, but, you're in a coma-like trance, my friend.\nCartman: [slowly] Fuck you!\nSteve: I understand your shock, my friend, but you have simply been in the virtual world so long you have forgotten.\nKyle: You should probably listen to him, dude.\nCartman: Uh huh. 'Cause I thought I was messing with Butters, but I'm actually the one trapped in virtual reality.\nSteve: The people you are talking to are just computer programs, my friend.\nCartman: Guys, tell him you're not computer programs.\nKyle: [glances at Stan and Kenny] Maybe we are.\nCartman: [sighs and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment] Kyle, just- don't be a dick right now.\nSteve: I know this is very hard for you, but we don't have a lot of time.\nCartman: Do you really think I'm that stupid?! That I believe all of this all along has been me living out some kind of virtual reality fantasy? Fuck you! [Well...]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, day. Liane has prepared a glazed burger for Cartman and takes it to his room. She knocks on his door.\nLiane: Eric? Poopsiekins? [hearing no reply, she opens his door and goes in] Eric? [Steve was right. Cartman is at his computer wearing the Oculus headset, in a coma-like trance] Honey, maybe that's enough computer time. It's been about nineteen hours now. [Cartman's left foot twitches] I know you said not to disturb you with your new toy, but Mommy thought maybe you needed to eat? [this time Cartman moves his whole body] All right, I'll just leave it here, hon. [sets the burger next to the computer] I'm turning in for the night. Mommy loves you.[exits and closes the door]\nScene Description: Butters' house, next day.\nStephen: What kind of person did we raise you to be?! You think this world is just there for your amusement?! You are not to leave this room, and you are not allowed to use the phone or the computer!\nButters: Please! You can't do that! I have to find a way out of this!\nStephen: Oh no, mister. You are GROUNDED! [Butters recoils and Stephen slams the door shut. Butters turns around and goes to sit on the floor beside his bed. The door opens and Cartman enters]\nCartman: Are you fucking with me?!\nButters: ...What? What do you mean?\nCartman: Butters, I'm seriously! Are you fucking with me?!\nButters: I don't know what you mean.\nCartman: Because if you are, it's not cool!\nButters: Eric, you said you were going to get me out of this virtual world!\nCartman: Butters, I talked to Oculus Customer Service, and they said I'm the one who's wearing a headset and has forgotten he's in virtual reality!\nButters: Oh really? Oh, that's a relief.\nCartman: Oh it's a relief, huh?! Well guess what, Butters! If I'm the one trapped in virtual reality, that means you're nothing but a computer program!\nButters: Oh gosh!\nCartman: That's right!\nButters: OH GOSH!\nCartman: THAT'S RIGHT! And you'd better stop messin' around, Butters, so I can help you out of this! Because you know how I said if you die in virtual reality you die in real life?\nButters: Yeah.\nCartman: Well if you get grounded in virtual reality, you get grounded in real life too... FOREVER! [Butters is alarmed]\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are playing tether-ball near the restrooms. Kyle's phone rings\nKyle: [answers] Hello?\nButters: Kyle, it's Butters. I've been grounded!\nKyle: Again?\nButters: No no, you don't understand. This time I've been grounded for no good reason! I didn't do anything, Kyle!\nKyle: Uh huh.\nButters: I think there's somethin' supernatural goin' on. I asked my dad why I was being grounded, and he said that for asking him, that I was more grounded! It doesn't make sense!\nKyle: Butters, Butters, I'm, I'm kind of super busy right now.\nButters: PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the-\nStephen: Butters?! Who is that?!\nButters: Ahhh! Wuhhhh! Ahhh- [Kyle looks concerned and hangs up]\nKenny: [runs up to Stan and Kyle, panicked] (You guys! You guys, oh shit, come check this out!)\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Kenny leads Stan and Kyle inside over to Cartman, who is still passed out wearing the Oculus headset\nKenny: (You see? Look at all this dried up food. He must have been here for days!)\nKyle: You found Cartman like this and you think he's somehow trapped in virtual reality?\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nKyle: [slowly] Fuck you!\nKenny: [taken aback] (What??)\nKyle: Get up, Cartman!\nKenny: [angry] (This isn't a prank, Kyle!)\nKyle: Okay, then let's take him to the hospital. You hear that, fatso?! [shakes Cartman's chair] You're goin' to the hospital!\nStan: Kyle, maybe this is for real.\nKyle: [looks back at Stan, then turns around to face him] Fuck you if you're in on this.\nStan: In on what? [thinks a moment...] Ohh, [slowly] Fuck you!\nScene Description: The customer service center in India\nSteve: Yes, no, sorry, but because you bought two business-class tickets I can NOT refund the fares. [listens to the response] That's right, there is nothing we can do. All right. Have I answered all your customer concerns in a timely, polite manner? Thank you for calling Korean Airlines Customer Service. [clicks to the next caller] El Pollo Loco Customer Service, this is Steve.\nKyle: Oh. Ah, we're trying to reach Oculus Customer Service.\nSteve: Oh, yes, ah, yes my friend. [clicks again] Oculus Customer Service, this is Steve.\nKyle: Yeah, our friend has been missing for a few days, so we went and checked on him, and he's in a coma wearing your headset.\nSteve: Ohh yehhs, yes. What is your name please?\nKyle: Kyle.\nSteve: Kyle. I need to advise you that this call may be recorded to help with better customer service in the future. Is that agreeable to you?\nKyle: I don't care!\nSteve: He doesn't care! I can continue! All right, listen very carefully my friend. The headsets we sold you are having some minor problems.\nKyle: You mean he's actually stuck in virtual reality?!\nSteve: Yes. And that is why we are trying to locate all the headsets and do a recall. Do you understand? It is a Total Recall.\nKyle: [rolls his eyes, then slowly] Fuck you!\nStan: \"Fuck you\" what?\nKyle: He said they're doing a Total Recall.\nStan: Oh fuck you!\nSteve: All right, did I take care of all your customer needs in a timely and satisfactory fashion today?\nKyle: You haven't done anything yet!\nSteve: But the customer service - was that reliable? And did I accurately and politely respond to your concerns?\nKyle: We need help! Our friend is in a coma!\nSteve: Uhhh let's see, ah, it looks like... one of you is going to have to put on the Oculus headset and go into the virtual world and convince your friend to get to an access point. Could you try that, my friend? [Kyle looks at his phone, then at the user's manual]\nScene Description: South Park, morning. A signal interrupts the scenery twice, but is quickly gone\nScene Description: Cartman's house, living room. Cartman is pacing the living room trying to calm himself\nCartman: It's okay. Everything is cool. Don't let anyone mess with your head, and it's all going to be fine. You're cool, Eric. You're cool. [the doorbell rings and he answers. It's Kyle.]\nKyle: Hey, Cartman, I need to talk to you.\nCartman: I know. Let's go to the backyard. [turns and walks to the backyard. Kyle is quite surprised by Cartman's reaction. Moments later they takes seats at the picnic table out back. A butterfly floats by]\nKyle: Cartman, I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to believe me, even if it seems impossible.\nCartman: Okay Kyle.\nKyle: Alright, here it goes. Cartman, you aren't really here.\nCartman: Mmm. And why do you know that, Kyle?\nKyle: Because I saw you. Okay? In your room, passed out, with a VR headset on. Customer Service said that one of us needed to put on the headset and come get you, and that's why I'm here.\nCartman: [laces his fingers together, with his index fingers making a steeple in front of his lips] Mmmhmm.\nKyle: I know it's hard to believe, but you have to trust me.\nCartman: And why did the guys send you, Kyle?\nKyle: Www-what do you mean?\nCartman: Kyle, I want you to brace yourself. This is going to be extremely hard to believe, but you are the one that has been in a coma with a VR headset on.\nKyle: Fuck you!\nCartman: I know it's hard to grasp, Kyle, but I was the one sent by customer service to try and convince you that none of what you've seen is real. You bought the Oculus Rift headset, Kyle.\nKyle: Don't... do that!\nCartman: Calm down.\nKyle: NO! I put your headset on, and came here to-\nCartman: In virtual reality, yes you did.\nKyle: No. Then I came into this virtual space.\nCartman: You've been in a virtual space all along, Kyle! Think about it: we're arch-rivals! Why would the guys send you in to convince me of anything?!\nKyle: Fuck you! Why would they send you in to convince me of anything?!\nCartman: [defeated] Fuck!\nScene Description: Best Buy, day. A Best Buy rep answers a phone\nBest Buy Rep: Thanks for callin' Best Buy. How can I direct your call?\nKyle: Yes. My name is Kyle Broflovski. Can you tell me if I purchased an Oculus Rift headset there?\nCartman: Or if I did?\nKyle: Or if you sold one to an \"Eric Cartman\"?\nBest Buy Rep: Sir, I'm gonna have to connect you to Customer Service. Hang on a sec. [transfers the call and hangs up. The call now reaches ... Steve!]\nSteve: Best Buy Customer Service, this is Steve.\nKyle: [stunned at the familiar voice] Dude... What?\nCartman: What? [takes the phone from Kyle] Hello?\nSteve: Yes, hello. This call may be recorded to ensure good customer service in the future.\nCartman: Dude. NOW this is getting weird!\nScene Description: The Stotch house, night. Stephen and Linda sit down for dinner\nStephen: [loudly] Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded you can just GO TO BED HUNGRY! Linda, do you remember why Butters is grounded? What, what did he do?\nLinda: Oh. I don't know, Stephen, I let you handle all the groundings.\nStephen: It's strange. I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet... and yet he is grounded. [hears something upstairs] And no bouncing the racquetball either!\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Stan and Kenny are the only two in the room, and Kenny's wearing the Oculus Rift. Stan is talking to Customer Service\nStan: No, listen, I called Customer Service because I need help! [the door opens and Cartman and Kyle walk in]\nKyle: Wait. Stan? [walks up to Stan] Hold on, is this my virtual reality, or Cartman's virtual reality?\nStan: It's neither. I know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is all actually real.\nKyle: Nono, after we found Cartman, I put the headset on and then-\nStan: No dude, dude. We've all been here the entire time.\nKyle: Holy shit. Then this is all real. We've all been here from the beginning. Taking turns on the Oculus Rift headset.\nCartman: [still lost] No, you guys. This is virtual reality.\nStan: How do you know?\nCartman: Because... I'm a computer program.\nKyle: God damn it Cartman!\nCartman: I'm telling you guys, I swear, you have to believe me, I am a computer program. I'm not real.\nKyle: He's lying.\nCartman: I'm not lying. Go ahead and ask Customer Service.\nStan: What was the name of the first person who called you for customer service?\nSteve: Ohhh yes yes yes! That I can answer! His name was... But-ters!\nStan: Butters called Customer Service first?\nSteve: Have I answered all your questions in a satisfying and courteous manner?\nStan: Come on, we're going to Butters' house! [they leave Kenny behind]\nSteve: Hello? My friend? My friend, I believe we are having some technical issues with our phone line. Please hang on, I'm going to call Customer Service.\nScene Description: Steve talks to himself\nSteve: Hello, Customer Service, this is Steve.\nSteve: Hello, this is Steve with Customer Service.\nSteve: Uhhh, nononono my friend. I am Steve with Customer Service.\nSteve: Listen, my friend. This is gong to be very hard to comprehend, but none of what you are seeing is real.\nSteve: ...Ohhh, nohhh, nonononononono.\nSteve: My friend, my friend, a customer who is in virtual reality called Customer Service, and it has created a customer feedback loop. Okay? Here in India we call it a customer feedback vindaloop.\nSteve: [slowly, wagging his left index finger] Ohhh, fuck you!\nSteve: Nononononono, do not fuck me, because I am you and then we will just be fucking ourselves. Now, have I provided answers to your questions in a courteous and prompt fashion?\nSteve: What do you mean have you answered all my questions?! NO! You have not answered ANY questions at ALL!\nSteve: Nonononono no, listen, listen: if I didn't answer your questions, then we have given bad customer service!\nSteve: But you didn't answer any of my questions!\nSteve: Well what is more important, my friend? The result, or good customer service?\nScene Description: Butters' room, day. He sits on the floor by his bed playing a child's xylophone. The curtains are drawn, but leave a small gap through which the sun shines in\nButters: [singing a spiritual] I'm troubled, I'm troubled in mind. If Jesus don't help me I surely will die. [his door opens and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come in]\nStan: Butters.\nButters: [startled] Huh. But... [stands up] you guys can't be here.\nKyle: Why not?\nButters: Because I'm grounded. That means no visitors.\nKyle: Butters! When did you call Oculus Rift Customer Service?!\nButters: When we were playing with the Oculus headset. Wuh don't you guys remember? [goes to the bedroom door] We were all messin' around with it. I played with it first, and, and went a little nuts. Uh I forgot I was in virtual reality and I got grounded, and now I'm grounded in real life.\nStan: So now we are in the real world.\nButters: YES.\nCartman: You guys! [the boys look at him] I have accepted the reality that I am just a computer program. The fact is that one of us right now is in a room wearing a VR helmet seeing all this, and it's not me!\nStephen: [appears behind him] Butters!\nButters: [really startled] AAaaghagh!\nStephen: What are your friends doing here?!\nButters: Huh I'm sorry Dad!\nSteve: Hello, hello my friend, are you still there?\nStan: Yes, we're here.\nSteve: Listen carefully, my friend. You are stuck in a paradox. It turns out there are three things you cannot do in virtual reality. You cannot die, you cannot get grounded, and you cannot call Customer Service. This is why you are having problems.\nStephen: You just don't get it, do you?! What is wrong with you?!\nStan: [as Stephen chews Butters out, puts some distance between them and himself] Well then how much of what just happened was in virtual reality?\nSteve: That does not matter! There is only one thing that matters!\nStan: What?! [Stephen unbuckles his belt, Butters holds a hand up]\nSteve: Have I answered your questions satisfactorily and offered GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE?!\nStan: That doesn't make sense! [Stephen takes his belt off. Butters closes his eyes, knowing what's coming]\nSteve: That's the paradox! Please my friend, please! I am not real! You are not real! Have I answered your questions and provided good customer service?! This call may be recorded! [the boys look at Stephen and Butters as Stephen prepares his belt for a whipping]\nStephen: Well, you're getting it now!\nStan: Yes! Yes, you have answered all my questions and I am pleased with the customer service I have been provided!! [Stephen disappears, then Butters, then Kyle, then Cartman] You guys? Are you there?\nKyle: [from a walkie-talkie] We're right here dude. Do you remember now?\nStan: Yeah I remember. I'm heading back to the access point. [leaves Butters' room. Stephen and Linda never really left the dining room table/ Stephen senses a change in mood]\nStephen: Oh my gosh! Linda!\nLinda: What is it, Stephen?\nStephen: It's Butters. He's not grounded anymore.\nLinda: He's not?\nStephen: No. I've I've got to tell him! [leaves his chair and runs up to Butters' room] Butter? Butters! [Butters is on his bed, with the curtains open, asleep]\nButters: [wakes up] Ahhh, huh?\nStephen: You can go outside and play, son.\nButters: You... you, you mean ih... [sits up] I'm not grounded?\nStephen: No. I don't know why or how, but... it's over.\nButters: They did it! [hops off his bed] They figured it out! [heads out the door] Whoopie!\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. Stan walks up to the house\nStan: Alright, I'm nearing Checkpoint Alpha. You guys still there?\nKyle: We're here, dude. Just a little further and we can finally end this.\nStan: [goes upstairs and enters Cartman's room] Okay, I'm back in Cartman's room.\nCartman: Alright, Stan, just sit down at the computer. [Stan does this]\nKyle: Alright, dude, take off the headset. [Stan reaches up and removes the headset. At this point the animation switches to live-action. Stan finishes taking off the headset as Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny watch]\nKyle: Sssoo aside from all the bull crap, what do ya think of the Oculus?\nStan: [thoughtfully looking at the headset] It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck.\nScene Description: Credits start rolling but after few credits roll there is shot back at Stan's room\nButters: [hops in like a bunny] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. The students are going about their business when several girls arrive with fliers in hand.\nGirl 1: [handing out fliers] Hey guys. [Clyde takes one] Thanks. Support your team? Thank you. Hey guys. Did you get one of these? [walks up to Cartman and Craig] Hope you can make it.\nCartman: [takes a flier] What's this?\nGirl 1: The girls' volleyball team has a big game tonight and we're just asking for people to come cheer us on.\nCartman: [looks at Craig.] Girls volleyball? [they both laugh at the thought] Uhhh, sorry, we're actually busy.\nGirl 2: What's wrong with supporting girls' athletics?!\nCartman: Dude, girls should totally be allowed to play sports, you just can't expect people to want to watch. Okay? [hands the flier back to girl 1] All right.\nGirl 3: [walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] You know, we're actually in the playoffs, and all we keep hearing is \"We're too busy.\"\nKyle: But we actually are busy. Tonight's the big fight.\nGirl 3: What fight?\nStan: Dude, Kenny is fighting Slaughterhouse tonight. I mean, no offense, but, we're not gonna miss the fight for... girls' volleyball. [he, Kenny, and Kyle laugh]\nCartman: Yeah so, sorry you're not getting any spectators, but there's hardcore dude shit to watch.\nScene Description: A shop in South Park. A board on the sidewalk says \"Magic the Gathering Tournament Today.\" Inside, Kenny and a heavy-set player, Slaughterhouse, are sat at a table already playing against each other, The player shuffles his cards around looking for the best ones to play\nSlaughterhouse: Alright, I'm going to play a fifth mana card... and then I'm going to attack with my Elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on.\nKyle: Can Kenny block his Elderbeast?\nStan: Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked.\nCartman: This asshole needs to make a move already!\nReferee: Quiet in the peanut gallery, please.\nSlaughterhouse: I am attacking, but with a newly summoned Spark Ghast who has Trample. Four damage to your planeswalker.\nBoys: Ohhhh!\nButters: Oh no! Kenny!\nStan: Shhh!\nButters: But he's dying! [Kenny lays down a card]\nStan: What's that?\nCartman: He's playing an enchantment.\nStan: This late?\nKyle: He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade!\nSlaughterhouse: I can block that with Uprooted Minotaur. [Kenny lays down his next card]\nBoys: Ohhhh!\nReferee: Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick!\nBoys: Yeeahhh!\nSlaughterhouse: Nnoohhh!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman recounts the previous day's events to the kids in the hallway. In the distance, a new janitor listens in while mopping the floor\nCartman: Dude, it was complete brutality!\nKyle: You've never seen anything so ruthless!\nStan: It was seriously almost hard to watch. [Wendy appears in the distance and walks over to the boys]\nCartman: At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro!\nStan: [sees Wendy] Wendy, did you hear about last night?\nWendy: Yeah, I heard the girls' volleyball team won by like 20 points.\nStan: Not that. Did you actually go to that?\nWendy: Yeah. You should show your support too sometime.\nStan: Pfft, whatever.\nCartman: Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this! [the janitor finally looks at the group] It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive!\nJanitor: Hey! Pssst! [the boys see him] Come over here. [the boys walk over to him while the other kids disperse] You guys like hard-core stuff, huh?\nCartman: Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro.\nJanitor: Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit.\nStan: We're men.\nJanitor: Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here. [hands them a sheet of paper with an address on it, and Kyle steps forward to take it] This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet. [turns right and leaves] And you might wanna pack a barf bag.\nCartman: [steps forward and watches him leave] Kewwwl!\nScene Description: South Park After Dark. The boys walk to a familiar place.\nKyle: Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok.\nCartman: What's hardcore and exciting about Shitty shrimp? [they approach the doors]\nKyle: It doesn't even look like they're open. [tugs and knocks at the doors]\nMr. Tuong: [unlocks the doors and answers them] We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease! [waves them away]\nStan: Uhhh, Mitchell the Janitor sent us?\nMr. Lu Kim: You purice?\nKenny: (What?)\nCartman: Dude, do we look like police?\nMr. Lu Kim: Okay, come on, come on, five dorrah, five dorrah each! Come on, five dorrah!\nCartman: Five dorrah?! [Mr. Lu Kim hushes them quickly and leads them to the back room, which leads to the basement. Lu Kim opens the basement door]\nMr. Lu Kim: You go down! Go down, find seat! We in sixth fight! Gogogogogogogo! [the kids go in, then Mr. Tuong, who closes the door behind him.]\nScene Description: City Wok basement. Lots of activity going on down there. Two roosters are set to fight each other with cards. The boys make it to ringside. An announcer calls the play-by-play\nAnnouncer: Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a Fugitive Wizard!\nCrowd: Ooooooo.\nAnnouncer: More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the Fugitive Wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with Fugitive Wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is Peel from Reality! Fugitive Wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground!\nThe boys: Whoa!\nAnnouncer: The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void!\nScene Description: M Burger, next day. The boys are eating\nCartman: Dude, that was total carnage!\nStan: That was freakin' hardcore.\nCartman: Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped?\nStan: It was just decimation.\nKyle: It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of.\nCartman: We're going again on Friday, right?\nStan: Hell yeah! [Kenny lowers his head, and Cartman notices]\nCartman: What's the matter Kenny?\nKenny: (I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean)\nStan: What's mean about it?\nKenny: [mumbles]\nCartman: You feel bad for the roosters?\nKenny: (Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.)\nStan: Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard.\nKyle: Yeah, maybe that just kind of what they do naturally.\nCartman: Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder.\nKenny: (No.)\nCartman: Huh? A little bit?\nKenny: (NO.)\nStan: Dude, you know what we should do? We should all go in on a rooster.\nKyle: Dude, totally. With Kenny's Magic skills, we could probably kick serious ass!\nCartman: What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys. [Kenny just looks at his meal]\nScene Description: The McCormick house, day. Two officers stand at the landing as one of them knocks\nDet. Harris: Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us?\nStuart: What do you mean?\nDet. Harris: Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it.\nStuart: What's cock Magic?\nDet. Harris: Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play \"Magic: the Gathering,\" and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held?\nStuart: I don't go to any cock Magic fights!\nDet. Harris: Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong, and anyone I find involved with this filth is goin' down!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys are on the sofa and Randy is lecturing them on Magic: the Gathering. Or on cock Magic.\nRandy: Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous!\nStan: Dad, it's not that big a deal.\nRandy: It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college.\nKyle: You were?\nRandy: Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely. [whips out a handkerchief, and drums begin to play. Randy places the hankey over his pants and begins a demonstration of cock magic, as he knew it]\nScene Description: Randy's cock magic. It moves left, then right quickly. Then it pops up from behind the hankey, then pops under\nStan: Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic.\nRandy: Oh? Not impressed? How about this? [makes his penis pop out right, left, down... up, left. Stan hides his face in his hand while his friends are speechless]\nScene Description: A run-down house, much like Kenny's, day. The boys approach it and ring the buzzer. This place has an intercom\nVoice: What is it?!\nCartman: Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play \"Magic: The Gathering\"?\nVoice: Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters.\nKyle: Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything.\nBreeder: [The voice, opens up and lets them in] Come on to the back, don't mind the smell. [he takes the boys to his barn and shows them around] We only deal in the highest quality poultry Planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed?\nKyle: We don't... really know the difference.\nBreeder: Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks.\nStan: Do you think they're happy?\nBreeder: Do I think they're happy?\nStan: Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play \"Magic: The Gathering\"?\nBreeder: [thinks a moment] They're fuckin' chickens.\nCartman: Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens?\nBreeder: Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards.\nCartman: Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh, Kenny?\nStan: [off-screen] Hey, how about this little guy?\nBreeder: That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers.\nKyle: Then he's perfect for us.\nCartman: What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about \"McNuggets\"?\nKyle: Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us?\nCartman: [mimicking a rooster] \"Yes I do, you guys.\" [normally] Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the master bedroom folding clothes when Shelly appears\nShelly: Mom, will you tell Dad to get out of the bathroom?! He's been in there for an hour!\nScene Description: The Marsh bathroom, moments later. A drummer is heard inside\nSharon: Randy?\nRandy: [lounge voice] Hey! Oh! Oh thank you!\nSharon: [Sharon pounds on the door] Randy, what are you doing?!\nRandy: Oh! Nothing, Sharon. Just going to the bathroom, if you don't mind. [back to the lounge voice] Hey!\nSharon: Randy, why are there drums playing? [the drums stop and Randy opens the door]\nRandy: All right, Sharon. I'm practicing. Cock magic is making a comeback.\nSharon: Ohhh, no no nononononono no.\nRandy: Oh yehhs yesyseyseyesyseyse Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college.\nSharon: I know that's why you got kicked out of college.\nRandy: Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer.\nSharon: Stanley??\nRandy: People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh! [a hankey drapes his erect penis] Oh my gosh! [pulls the hankey off and the penis is back in his pants. He smiles, she walks away, his smile fades, and he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door]\nScene Description: City Wok, Friday night. Tonight, it's McNuggets against a different rooster.\nAnnouncer: Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets.\nCartman: [through gritted teeth] Come on, McNuggets! Fight!\nKyle: You can do it, McNuggets! [the crowd argues around them]\nAnnouncer: Quiet, please.\nSomeone: I think I'll bet on the next one.\nAnnouncer: Waaiitt! [the crowd gets quiet] McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets!\nCrowd: Whoa!\nStan: Yeah!\nCartman: All right, McNuggets!\nKyle: All right, McNuggets! [after the fights the boys leave City Wok] Did we pick the right rooster or what?!\nCartman: [carrying McNuggets in a small cage] That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular \"Magic: The Gathering\" look like girls' volleyball.\nPromoter: [comes out behind the boys with two bodyguards] Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock.\nCartman: Thank you so very much.\nPromoter: I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time?\nKyle: You mean there's more to this?\nPromoter: Oh, yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address. [again Kyle takes the slip of paper] Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make.\nStan: Gee, thanks!\nCartman: You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues!\nScene Description: A girl's sixth birthday party, back yard. Lots of kids running around and making noise. A bounce house is off to one corner\nWoman: Okay kids, it's time for our birthday show. Everyone, let's be quiet now. Come on.\nKindergarten boy: Yay, a show, a show!\nWoman: Do you kids like magic?\nKindergartners: Yeah, yay!\nWoman: Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randy! [leaves as Randy enters, and the kids cheer]\nRandy: Hey kids, are we having fun? [places his hat over his groin, then reaches for it on his head] Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat? [no reaction from the kids. Inside, the parents are preparing the cake]\nWoman: [mixing some lemonade] Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready.\nRandy: [with his penis in a box and a saw in his left hand] Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic... [begins to saw through the box] you'll find that- [the saw hits something that produces gushes of blood. All the kids are hit and they panic] Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please!\nMan: [chuckles] They're getting a kick out the magician, huh?\nRandy: Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?! [the girl reaches behind her ear and pulls out a detached penis. She screams and Randy takes it from her.] Oh, it was behind her ear. [goes back to the stage and pops it right back where it should be, hidden so the kids don't see what he's actually doing] And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randy! Thank you! [kids are still screaming]\nKindergarten boy: I hate you!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan recounts the events of the night before\nStan: Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit.\nKyle: It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives.\nCraig: Where was all this?\nCartman: We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit.\nKyle: Yeah, you gotta know people.\nButters: Dangit, I wish I knew people.\nMr. Garrison: All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls' volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words. [goes to his desk as she enters]\nCoach: Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout.\nCartman: Oh Jesus, give it a rest already.\nButters: [chuckling] Yeah.\nCoach: You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care. [focus on Kenny, who looks down] Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke.\nStan: Dude, girls' volleyball isn't a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill.\nCartman: OOHHH!! [laughs with the other boys]\nJimmy: Fantastic girls' volleyball joke, Stan.\nCoach: The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls' volleyball team.\nWendy: [gets up and goes to the front of the class. Stan is immediately stunned] Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks. [goes back to her seat]\nCartman: [aside, to Stan] Dude, Wendy plays volleyball. Did you know that? I don't think you knew that.\nScene Description: The girl's birthday party. SPPD show up. The father explains to Det. Harris what happened. Other office inspect the backyard for evidence\nMan: And then he uh, took his penis from behind our daughter's ear and uh, we uh, uh that's when we saw him with uh, the n-the three rings. and uh, his penis, he was pulling it through 'em somehow, uh.\nDet. Harris: Uh huh. And what about the cock Magic? Where was that? [the man and wife look at each other]\nMan: Well that's what I'm telling you. It was right here exce-except for the thing where he poured the milk into his penis; he did that over there.\nDet. Harris: Alright alright, let's focus. What kind of decks were they using?\nWoman: Decks??\nMan: Who? There weren't any \"decks.\"\nDet. Harris: Oh, I get it now. Do you know what the penalty is for calling in a false cock Magic report?\nWoman: [in tears] I'm so confused, babe.\nDet. Harris: Who paid you to call us and take our focus away from the investigation?! What color were they?!\nMan: Nobody paid us anything! Now, there has been a crime here and you'd better do something about it!\nDet. Harris: Agreed! Who first called 911? [moments later the woman is being taken to a squad car as the man and their daughter look on]\nWoman: Please! Don't take me away from my child!\nGirl: [crying] Mommy!\nScene Description: South Park, Saturday night. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny reach the site of the next cock Magic fight. Stan is not present\nKyle: This is it. 1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.\nCartman: Wow. Here we are, McNuggets. You're reached the big time. [they stand before Panda Express. Again, Kyle knocks on the doors and tugs at them.]\nManager: [opens the door] Sorry, Panda Express is crosed. We crosed!\nCartman: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, we're here for the cock Magic.\nManager: Oh okay, come on, ten dorrah, ten dorrah.\nCartman: Ten dorrah?! [the boys hand over $10 each]\nScene Description: Panda Express basement, moments later\nAnnouncer 2: For the next round, it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds, versus Clucky.\nCartman: Who is that??\nSpectator 1: That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. [Gadnuk is wearing a gold medallion] He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls are playing a visiting group, and Stan is there to watch the game. Wendy, #4 serves. #36 on the other side hits it up, with #11 hitting it back over the net. #1 on Wendy's side hits it up, then #36 hits it, then #8 hits it over the net\nStan: [following the cock Magic fight over the phone] What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage?\nCartman: Dude, he's like a beast! He's got more legendary creature cards than I've ever seen!\nKyle: McNuggets is scared. He doesn't wanna play.\nCartman: McNuggets is scared, dude!\nStan: Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?!\nScene Description: Wendy serves, and #58 on the other side hits it up, then #8 hits it, then #22 hits it back over the net\nSpectator 2: [returns to the crowd with a dead bird] He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human! [walks away with his rooster. Gadnuk throws down a card. The promoter walks up]\nPromoter: Alright, your rooster's up next, boys.\nKyle: Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude.\nPromoter: He doesn't have a choice.\nCartman: This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter.\nPromoter: What do you think all these people are here to see?\nCartman: Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit!\nPromoter: The hell you do! Get your cock in there! [Kenny sighs and goes in instead]\nScene Description: ESPN Illegal is shown on a monitor\nESPN announcer: You're watching ESPN Illegal, your source for bullfighting, dogfighting, and cock Magic.\nESPN host: And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move. [Gadnuk ponders what to do while Kenny slowly taps his fingers on the table, waiting] Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card. [his assistant places it on the table]\nCartman: Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack.\nCrowd: Whooaa.\nKyle: Come on, Kenny! [Kenny take a card from a deck and looks through his other cards]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gym, the game there continues. #11 hits it over the net to Wendy's side. #1 hits it... Stan is still following the cock Magic fights\nStan: What did he play? Did he tap all his mana?\nCartman: Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health.\nKyle: He just had to shuffle it.\nCartman: Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an Overseer.\nStan: Does an Overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?! [meanwhile, the ball goes to #36, who hits it back over the net]\nESPN host: A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH, and he's just laid down Life's Legacy!\nCrowd: Ooooohh...\nESPN host: That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!\nKyle: Holy shit, dude!\nESPN host: Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this!\nDet. Harris: Freeze! [comes down to the basement with reinforcements. The cops draw their guns and check everyone out there. One cop pulls a gun from a spectator's jacket and throws it to the ground] Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time! [looks at Kenny] Especially you, scumbag!\nPromoter: Lousy cops! How did you find us?\nDet. Harris: We saw your fliers. [holds one up] \"Panda Express. Cock Magic at 9 pm.\"\nPromoter: We didn't put those fliers out!\nAnnouncer: [spotlights come on and move out over the crowd] And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randy! [A stage is lit up and Randy bounds out]\nCartman: Ah, dude, your dad's here.\nRandy: [lounge voice] Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing. [dances over to a stool nearby with a box sitting on it] Whatever you believe is real, is real. [pulls out a hankey, then goes back to center stage and shows there's nothing odd about it. He unzips his zipper and puts the hankey on his penis. He gets a rubber band and ties the hankey around the penis. Next he moves his hand around and his penis rises in response, as if his hands had some magnetic power to them. Suddenly, the penis takes flight and goes around several times. He holds up a large ring and the penis flies through it flawlessly. He turns around and the song \"Barbie Girl\" plays. He drops his pants, dances a bit, then turns around with a small curtain over his legs. The penis peaks out to the right, up, left, and then the head of René Dif appears popping out to the right]\nRené Dif: Come on Barbie, let's go party. [Randy pushes it gently behind the curtain again, then he squats just long enough to get his pants back up and remove the curtain. Then he hops around. He hops back to the stool and gets some body lotion to lubricate his penis with. Then he pretends to stroke his penis and a bouquet of flowers pops up. He tosses the bouquet into the crowd and a woman catches it]\nSpectator 3: Ewww! [throws the bouquet away]\nRandy: Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody?\nDet. Harris: I'll volunteer.\nRandy: Alright, come on up here. [Harris goes up] What's your name?\nDet. Harris: I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police.\nRandy: All right, a hand for Detective Harris! [applause. This provides a distraction by which some spectators leave silently] You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals. [grabs a tank of liquid nitrogen] Sir? [gives it to Harris, who holds it. Drumroll. Randy takes a funnel and puts one end on his penis, then motions for Harris to pour the nitrogen into the funnel. A few seconds later, the funnel comes off to reveal a frozen penis. Randy takes a gun out and shoots it to bits. Harris is stunned. Randy walks over to him and smiles. All of a sudden, the penis comes out of Harris' mouth. Randy take it and puts it into his pants. Harris smiles. Only four cops remain and they clap. The crowd and the other cops have left.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day.\nCartman: It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hands that the fucking cops had to come and break it up.\nButters: Wow, the cops came?\nKyle: Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened.\nCartman: Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny?\nKenny: (Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.)\nKyle: Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now?\nStan: Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys.\nKyle: Got what?\nStan: A way to finally do something good for other people.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls volleyball team faces off against McNuggets. Wendy is about to serve when she looks at Stan, who gives her a thumbs up. Wendy shoots him a glare of disapproval over the whole idea.\nAnnouncer: South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nil, South Park. [a smattering of applause. Wendy serves again] Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One South Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle runs home excitedly with something in his hand. He opens the front door and goes in. Gerald spots him\nGerald: There you are, Kyle. I was gonna see if you and your brother wanted to go down to the bowling alley.\nKyle: Nono Dad, please. I just got Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Me and Ike are going to play it together.\nGerald: It's your day off. You boys really wanna spend it inside in front of the TV?\nKyle: Please Dad, I've been looking forward to this all week. Aaand it's me and Ike's bonding time. Really. This is good for our relationship.\nGerald: All right. [Kyle smiles, Gerald heads back to the kitchen] I swear I'll never understand you kids these days.\nKyle: Yes! [runs upstairs smiling.]\nScene Description: Ike's room. Ike is at his computer eating Cheetos. Kyle knocks, then goes into the room\nKyle: Heeey Ike! Look what I got. [Ike looks over his shoulder] The new Call Of Duty! Do you wanna go downstairs and play?\nPewDiePie: [on the monitor] Aww, look at all the bright colors.\nIke: ...Meh. [goes back to watching the monitor and eating his Cheetos]\nKyle: Meh? Ike, we have a whole day to play XBox! Mom and Dad are leaving!\nIke: Maybe later, 'kay?\nKyle: [walks up to Ike] Well what are you watching?\nPewDiePie: How's it goin' bros? My name's PewDiePie. I'm playing Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Here we go. [breaks through a door and is met with gunfire] Agh! People are shooting at me, bros!\nKyle: You're watching someone play Call Of Duty and talk about it?\nIke: [claps] PewDiePie!\nPewDiePie: There's lots of bullet! And I've gotta run! RUN FOR THE BUNKER! RUUUUN!\nKyle: Ike, we could go play the game downstairs. Isn't that better than watching some guy on YouTube playing it?\nPewDiePie: Alright, I hope that's enough.\nIke: Meh.\nPewDiePie: Uh, like I said, um... Look at this. Look at this. Ooohhh, gigrrig! [fires away at will]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime\nKyle: Dude, I'm telling you. It's crazy. All my little brother wants to do is sit on YouTube watching this PewDiePie play video games. I swear, I don't understand kids these days.\nButters: What's a PewDiePie do?\nKyle: Google him. He's this guy from Sweden who has over 30 million YouTube subscribers. We didn't even know, but he's a bigger celebrity to kids than anyone. It just seems so lame.\nCartman: He plays video games and makes millions of dollars, and it's lame how?\nKyle: Because- because that's not even entertainment! I mean, it's just, just, rehashing shit, isn't it?? It's like everything these kids are into these days, you know, it's just... rehashed shit!\nScene Description: Commercial for an upcoming concert\nAnnouncer: This Saturday, at the Pepsi Center, it's Women of Rock! Miley Cyrus, Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, and Lorde! [Randy] All on one stage, on one night! With a special appearance by Michael Jackson's Hologram!\nMJ Hologram: Hee hee!\nAnnouncer: Ticket proceeds help fight the gluten crisis in West Africa! It's a night of pure, pure estrogen! Tickets on sale now! [TeleChargeIt and TicketMastering info go up]\nScene Description: Randy's garage, night. Randy runs inside to call someone in private\nRandy: Yeah, it's me. I told you I can't play the concert!\nRecord producer: Come on, this is a great lineup.\nRandy: Look, I do a lot of post-production enhancements to make my music sound the way it does, okay? I feel like if I play live I'm... really gonna disappoint people. I'm sorry, but the answer is no.\nRecord producer: I don't think you're really in a position to turn down this kind of gig.\nRandy: What is that supposed to mean?\nRecord producer: I understand your son gave all your savings to Canada.\nRandy: Yes, Freemium gaming.\nRecord producer: I'm sorry. Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush. [Randy sighs] You need this, Lorde. And the girls out there need you. You've got till tomorrow to think it over. [hangs up. Randy ends the call]\nRandy: I love Candy Crush.\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are there waiting for the bus\nKyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.\nStan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.\nKyle: I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it. And you know why? Commentary.\nKenny: (Commentary?)\nKyle: Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a little guy in a window on the screen. Someone who just comments on stuff. I mean, really? Who would even WANT to do that?! [Cartman eyes his phone with Stan and Kenny look at Kyle]\nScene Description: Cartman's room, later. He's set up a YouTube channel and is now broadcasting on it\nCartman: Hey bros, what's going on? This is CartmaaanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already, 'cause subscribing makes you feel good! Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty. More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start. [a recording of the earlier conversation plays]\nKyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.\nCartman: That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan.\nStan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.\nCartman: [reaches for some chips and eat them, chuckles, then] Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what.\nKyle: I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it.\nKenny: (Commentary?)\nCartman: There's Kenny commenting on Call of Duty. Kenny! Kenny! SPEAK UP!! SPEAK THROUGH THE HOOD KENNY!\nKyle: Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a l-\nScene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen. Sharon is washing, Randy is drying, Shelly walks in excitedly\nShelly: Mom, Dad, Kelly and Stacy are going to the Women of Rock concert! Can I go with them?! [anxiously waits for an answer]\nSharon: I don't know, Shelly.\nShelly: But Mom, Lorde is playing! You can't not let me go or I'll hate you forever! [Randy and Sharon turn around]\nRandy: Shelly, there's a good chance Lorde isn't goin' to show up.\nShelly: She will too! She has to show up, and if I don't get to see her I'm gonna kill myself!\nRandy: And what if you go and Lorde doesn't sound that great in person?\nShelly: That doesn't matter, Dad! We love Lorde because she's real! Gosh, you guys don't understand anything!\nRandy: You know, I think Lorde is going to play tomorrow.\nShelly: So can I go or not?!\nRandy: If she means that much to you.\nShelly: Okay, yay, thanks, love you guys. [smiles and walks away]\nSharon: Sooo you're doing it? [smiles]\nRandy: How can I let her down? Do you mind finishing up here? I think I should practice a little.\nSharon: Of course not. [Randy walks away and out of earshot] Anything to keep you away from cock magic.\nScene Description: Ike's room, later. Ike is still at his computer eating Cheetos\nCartman: Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty.\nKyle: [goes into the room] Hey Ike, you wanna come watch TV with me?\nCartman: More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start.\nKyle: Oh no! No, Ike! You are not watching him comment on things!\nKyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.\nCartman: That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan.\nKyle: [approaches the monitor] What the fuck?!\nStan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.\nCartman: [reaches for some chips and eat them, chuckles, then] Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what.\nKyle: Ike, that is enough! If you're interested in Call of Duty, go play it downstairs in the living room!\nCartman: God these guys are so annoying, aren't they? CartmaaanBrah!\nKyle: But that's all that matter now! It's just all ... and the new celebrity?\nIke: CartmaaanBrah!\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, basketball court, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are playing a game. Cartman has the ball. Kyle runs up, angry\nKyle: What do you think you're doing?!\nCartman: Shooting for a D in a game of Horsedick.\nKyle: You know what I mean! Why is my little brother watching you talking about us talking about him?!\nCartman: I have a YouTube blog where I comment on video games. Big whoop.\nKyle: I don't need Ike listening to you comment on anything!\nStan: What are you talking about?\nKyle: This fat fuck thinks he's PewDiePie! Because of him I can't get Ike to come out of his room!\nCartman: Because of me?! I'm pretty sure I'm not the person who invented \"Let's Plays\", Kyle.\nKyle: \"Let's Plays\"?\nCartman: That's what they're called, dude. Get with the times. [turns to the basket and takes his shot. Kyle looks away and down]\nScene Description: The Women of Rock concert at the Pepsi Center, night. Miley Cyrus is performing\nMiley Cyrus: There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah! Throw my hands in the air while I'm twerkin' this chair There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah! And I'm movin' my hands while I'm shakin' my tits.\nStagehand: Alright guys, uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea who'll be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde. [walks out of the dressing room backwards] Have a great show, ladies.\nRandy: Hey uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work.\nRecord producer: You're nervous, it's understandable.\nRandy: No I'm eh... I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live.\nRecord producer: You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit.\nRandy: Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that!\nIggy: Oh fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone!\nRandy: No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models.\nIggy: That's easy for you to say because YOU don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?!\nRandy: Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you.\nIggy: 'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse!\nRandy: Fuck you! [they start fighting and break through a table full of finger food and drinks]\nRecord producer: Alright that's enough! [breaks up the scuffle and separates the two artists] Look at yourselves!\nIggy: You're an internet bullshit artist, Lorde!\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. The doorbell rings and Kyle answers it. Stan comes in\nStan: Hey, what's up?\nKyle: You're not gonna believe this.\nStan: Oh no, what now?\nKyle: I wanted to get Ike out of his room, so I invited all his friends over for a slumber party to play Dragon Age: Inquisition.\nStan: Yeah?\nKyle: Come on! [leads Stan upstairs]\nScene Description: Ike's room. There are five other kids beside Ike in his room, and each one is using a tablet or a laptop, so no one is talking. Ike is watching PewDiePie on his monitor\nPewDiePie: [giggling] He's just laying there.\nKyle: See? Look at this. Ike has all his friends over and they're just sitting around on their own computers barely talking to each other. Ike is watching PewDiePie play Dragon Age.\nPewDiePie: I'm going \"Dun dun dadadun dun dadadun.\"\nKids: [in unison] PewDiePie!\nKyle: And this kid is watching Cartman commenting on people commenting on Dragon Age.\nButters: Well it's a really great game. The characters are so rich.\nCartman: Butters is such a butthole, oh my God! CartmaaanBrah!\nKids: CartmanBrah!\nStan: Dude, video games are meant to be played in a living room, not something to watch people comment on!\nConner: Okay Grandpa, we'll be sure to keep that in mind. [the kids laugh]\nStan: Grandpa?\nKyle: This is how they talk to us! [to Conner] You'd better watch your mouth, kid!\nKid 1: Yeah Conner, we're supposed to respect our elders, remember?\nKid 2: It's best to just make old people think they matter.\nStan: Oh, is that right?! Do you even know how to multiply?!\nKid 2: No sir. Thank goodness we have you to do that. [Ike laughs at PewDiePie's gameplay]\nStan: We're not being grandpas! Your guys's stuff is just seriously lame! Our generation's stuff is cool!\nPewDiePie: Oh my God I killed him!\nScene Description: Back at the Pepsi Center, Iggy Azalea is performing.\nIggy: Missy who who? That's all I do is rip off Missy. Missy who? Missy who? Missy who? Missy who, who? Missy who, who? Alright bitches and hos, via hologram and shit, Michael Jackson! [two men from the Syntech Hologram Company get ready]\nTech 1: And, cue the hologram! [a bunch of special lights come on and produce the hologram, and the hologram performs Michael's signature moves. The crowd goes wild as Michael's music plays. The hologram moonwalks like Michael did]\nMJ Hologram: Hee hee. [as the crowd roars, Iggy starts twerking to the hologram]\nRandy: They shouldn't rehash dead people. It's so wrong.\nNicki: Oh Lorde, you're such a purist.\nRandy: Can't help it, Nick. Can't help feeling like... we're losing something.\nScene Description: Wendy: The Wendy Williams Show, now on air. Wendy comes out in a blue dress and black jacket\nWendy: Hi everybody. I love you!\nAudience: Thanks for loving me. I love you too.\nWendy: So I guess there's this new trend with young people where the celebrities they look up to most are YouTube commentators. Just ordinary people who sit in front of a mic and blab their opinions about everything while their mindless loyal followers cheer them on. Isn't that crazy?? [the audience cheers in agreement] Well let's meet one of these stars of the internet. Please welcome CartmanBrah! [Instead of Cartman himself appearing on the couch, Cartman's commenter window pops up - he's doing this via satellite]\nCartman: CartmaaanBrah!\nWendy: So can you explain to our audience members over the age of five what it is that you DO?\nCartman: Well, Wendy, I started by talking about people talking about video games, but now I'm branching out into talking about people talking about music and the arts as well.\nWendy: And why do you think young people-?\nCartman: CartmaaanBrah!\nWendy: ...Why do you think young people are responding to this? [Cartman mocks the question by asking it back in nonsense syllables] I'm asking you a question! [Cartman continues with the nonsense replies]\nCartman: CartmaaanBrah! CartmanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel, brahs.\nScene Description: Back at the Pepsi Center, the MC is about to introduce Lorde. The crowd cheers loudly\nMC: And now, give it up for the girl from New Zealand, LORDE!\nRandy: Thank you! Thanks a lot! This is for all the royals out there! [begins playing an acoustic guitar. Shelly is in the audience with Kelly and Stacy] Lorde Looorde. I'm Lorde, ya ya ya-a-a. Sittin' on the toilet thinkin' 'bout how I'm not as rich as other people, ya ya ya. [the cheering dies down] Yaa ya ya ya, I'll never be, I'll never by royalty. Ya ya ya. But that'd be nice 'cause that'd be a nice fantaasy. [the mood of the audience begins to change] Women's bathrooms smell so nice, ya ya ya. Ya ya ya. [the audience begins to boo] And we'll never be- Lorde Lorde Lor- Lorde flushing- Lordy Lordy Lorde. Lor-uh, okay, uh. [turns right and the mic falls to the ground] Oh God. Sorry. [bends over to pick up the mic...] Uh hold on.[...but drops the guitar instead. The boos intensify] Hang on, uh. [to bail Lorde out of this mess, the technicians bring Michael's hologram back to the stage]\nMJ Hologram: Hee hee. [the hologram runs through the audience] I'm free! I'm free!\nRandy: [dusts himself off] Sorry folks, just one second here.\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center entrance. Michael's hologram runs through the metal detector and begins to dance. Security guards are hot on his tail\nMJ Hologram: Hee hee. Dah dadit dat ja!\nGuard 1: Stop him. [another guard tries to grab the hologram, but realizes it can't be done. The hologram leaves the Center. The guards run out after it, and a guard guard gets on his walkie-talkie]\nGuard 1: Michael Jackson's hologram is on the loose!\nMJ Hologram: [leaving the parking area] Hee hee!\nScene Description: The Pepsi Center stage. Lorde is still on stage getting booed.\nRandy: Ah ya ya. Okay, uh. Ah ya ya ya ya-a-a-a. [the boos don't stop, and Randy's vision becomes prismatic] Okay, uh, uh... [steps aside and begins to simulate rubbing his \"clit\"] Oooo![hops onto the car on stage and continues the simulation] Oh yeah! Oh my clit! Oh yeah! Oooo yeah, flick that bean, yeah! [the boos are replaced by disgust. Shelly and friends are disappointed]\nFan: Ogh! Lorde, ewww!\nRandy: Oh, I'm so horny, yeah! Ooo, fuck, my clit's so big! Oooo! [fans begin to walk out of the concert]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dining room. Sharon, Randy, and Stan are having dinner\nRandy: Could you um, pass the potatoes, Stan? [Stan reaches to his left and passes the potatoes to Randy] Great, thanks. [serves himself some potatoes] Well, nobody's talking. Does anyone have anything to talk about?\nStan: Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?\nRandy: I was told to!\nSharon: You were told to walk out in front of a hundred thousand people including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit.\nRandy: Okay, hold on! A, I don't have a clit, so technically, I wasn't rubbing anything! And B, I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him! [Stan hisses and leaves the table. Sharon just leaves. Some time later, Randy drops in on Shelly in her room and sees her crying on her bed, face down. He then notices that the Lorde poster on the wall is in tatters and ripped in half. Randy leaves and closes the door softly]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle walks around a darkened living room, rubbing his left hand along the coffee table, then along the TV, and he finds them dusty\nKyle: It's dying. The living room is... dying.\nScene Description: Randy's garage, night. Randy enters to talk to the record producer on the phone in private\nRandy: Yeah, it's me. I need to fix this. How can I undo the clit-rubbing?\nRecord producer: What are you talking about? It's great! You're the most commented-on artist in the world right now! You're blowing up twitter and you're trending on CartmanBrah. #clitnubbin\nRandy: Look, this isn't what I want! My music is supposed to be-\nRecord producer: It's not about the music, Lorde! It never was. It's about comments! And sister, you've got 'em!\nRandy: This ends now. I'm gonna tell people the truth.\nScene Description: The Rockies, day. A South Park City Transit bus is going to town, and Michael's hologram is in it. Everyone is on their iPhones or iPads\nPassenger: Will you look at that? Everyone on their cell phones, nobody sayin' a word to each other. Call me a grandpa, but I still like commenting face to face with folks. You know what I mean, buddy?\nMJ Hologram: Yes.\nPassenger: You're headin' up to the mountains too, huh? Gonna do some skiin'?\nMJ Hologram: No, I just need to... take care of some im-, important business.\nPassenger: Oh, what kind of business? Oh are you a fisherman?\nMJ Hologram: Yes. I mean, yes, that's all. I'm, I'm just gonna fish and hunt.\nPassenger: Oh, you're a hunter? What do you prey upon?\nMJ Hologram: [stands up] Nobody! That's ignorant!\nPassenger: Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey?\nMJ Hologram: Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant!\nPassenger: You know, excuse me for saying so, but you seem kind of... transparent.\nMJ Hologram: ...That's ignorant. I'm just cold.\nPassenger: I'm saying it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey.\nMJ Hologram: Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation! Can we please stop talking, please?! Ignorant!\nPassenger: [looks him over] Well, whatever it is you're after, I hope you get it.\nMJ Hologram: Oh I will. Trust me, I will. [The bus enters South Park.]\nScene Description: The Syntech Hologram Company, day. The record producer is with the tech working on the hologram problem\nTech 2: Ah, we've lost any ability to track the hologram's location. Ih...it looks like it reprogrammed its guidance systems.\nRecord producer: We paid a lot of money for that hologram. You'd better find a way to get it back!\nTech 3: Project Alpha?\nTech 4: Yes. That might be our only option.\nRecord producer: What is Project Alpha?\nTech 4: The first hologram we ever created to appear on stage. It was a prototype. But perhaps the best thing to stop a hologram-\nTech 3: Is another hologram. Bring up Project Alpha!\nTech 2: Sir, are you sure that we wanna-?\nTech 3: Bring it up! [Tech 2 gets to work. Everyone turns around and watches as the hologram is assembled]\nRecord producer: What is that?\nTech 3: Tupac.\nTech 4: [approaches the hologram] Tupac? [the hologram is activated] Yo. The hologram of Michael Jackson is on the loose. We need you to \"take care of the situation.\" [the hologram takes out a Glock hologram and cocks it, then he walks forward, then turns left and walks out]\nTech 3: Godspeed, Tupac.\nScene Description: The Syntech Hologram Company, outside. Tupac crosses the street and a car almost runs him down. The couple inside is in shock\nMan: Oh my gosh, honey look it's Tupac! I told you them homies didn't cap his ass! [Tupac opens the driver's door, pulls the driver out and throws him to the ground, then gets into the driver's seat and takes off with the car and driver's wife. The driver gets up and pulls out his phone] Oh, this is going on Instagram! [takes the picture]\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. Cartman's commenter window is there in his place\nCartman: Hey hey, how's it going, bros? This is CartmanBrah. CartmaaanBrah. And uhh, we are, it looks like we are at the bus stop now. [the other three boys walk into view] Yep, there's Kyle, Stan and Kenny looking stupid as ever.\nKyle: I don't know what the hell to do. The whole world's gone crazy.\nStan: Tell me about it.\nCartman: Uh oh, it looks like Kyle is taking issue with something again. Kyle's got a pro-blem. CartmanBrah!\nKyle: You know, you used to sit in the living room with your friends and family, and THEY were the ones commenting on whatever was on TV.\nCartman: [exasperated] Oh God.\nKyle: [notices the commenter window above the bus stop sign] Do you mind?!\nCartman: Oh, looks like Kyle is commenting on my commenter window, bras! Be sure to comment on that. #kyleisgettingfrustrated\nKyle: Dude! Nobody wants to hear you commenting on things!\nCartman: Oh really. Ten thousand subscribers and counting, brah!\nScene Description: Buca de Faggoncini, day. Randy goes inside. The record producer is waiting for him at a table. Randy approaches, but doesn't sit down.\nRandy: Thanks for seeing me. I've got my speech written. I'm ready to let the world know the truth. [the producer puts down his fork and wipes his lips off with a napkin.]\nRecord producer: Sit down, Lorde.\nRandy: I'm not interested in being talked out of ending this. It's the right thing to do.\nRecord producer: [stands up and walks to a nearby bar] Do you know what an artist is now, Lorde? An artist is a conversation piece, nothing more. [pours himself a drink] Like a vase, or a kitschy side table. Just something for people to comment on. [turns around] The old ways are dying. We're not making money off records, we're making money off tweets. And you've taken it to a whole new level.\nRandy: Well that's not a world Lorde ever wanted to be a part of.\nRecord producer: On the contrary. Lorde is going on the Jimmy Fallon show tonight and exposing her asshole for everyone to freak out about.\nRandy: I'll do no such thing!\nRecord producer: Who said anything about you? [whips out a small remote control and presses a button on it. Some lasers turn on and assemble a new hologram. It's Lorde's hologram. It walks up to the producer and stands beside him. Randy is frightened and takes several steps back. Two bodyguards appear behind him, and he notices. The producer closes the blinds]\nRandy: You can't just replace artists with holograms. Who will make the content?\nRecord producer: Today, commentary IS the content. And you, I'm afraid, are just in the way. [the bodyguards quickly escort him out]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison wipes off the previous night's work from the blackboard.\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Before we get started, Kyle has asked to say a few words. Go ahead, Kyle.\nKyle: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around. He reads from a sheet of paper] What is happening to our living rooms? There is a crisis in America, and-\nCartman: [his commenter window pops up] Looks like we're in the school now. Check out Wendy, she's flat as a pancake.\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is that?\nKyle: It's Cartman's stupid online persona!\nCartman: Oh my dick's gettin hard again! It's protrudin' out my paaaaants!\nMr. Garrison: What the hell?\nCartman: This is the way of the future, Mr. Garrison.\nButters: It's true!\nCartman: Heh that's right, Butters will back me up on anything. He's such a bitch.\nButters: Heheyehah.\nKyle: There is a crisis in America! As families grow further and further apart-\nCartman: [mocking] There is a crisis in America. and we have to save our living rooms. Our living rooms are dying.\nKyle: Mr. Garrison, will you make him stop!\nMr. Garrison: I don't- I don't even understand what's happening.\nKyle: THIS is the reason why our living rooms are dying!\nCartman: [mocking] This is the reason why our living rooms are dying, so we've got to do something.\nMr. Mackey: Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office, please? Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office!\nCartman: What the hell did I do?\nScene Description: Principal Victoria's office, later.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, I've had a lot of complaints that your online persona is becoming a distraction.\nCartman: Well this sucks. Looks like I'm in the principal's office for just commenting on things.\nPrincipal Victoria: Eric, I am talking to YOU!\nCartman: Adults so don't get what's cool anymore.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy rushes in through the front door\nRandy: Sharon? Sharon!\nSharon: [comes down the stairs in her bath robe] Randy? What's going on?\nRandy: They made a hologram of me, Sharon! They don't care about the music! They're REPLACING us!\nSharon: Oh my God! You mean, I just slept with a hologram?\nRandy: The hologram's in our bedroom?\nSharon: Yes!\nTupac's Hologram: I've gotta be leavin' now, Sharon. I would leave you my number but I'm just a hologram 'n shit.\nRandy: You slept with Tupac?! SHARON!\nScene Description: The record producer's limousine, back seat. Cartman's commenter window is there with the record producer\nRecord producer: It's a brave new world, starting much sooner than we thought. What we need is someone who truly gets the changing of the guard. We have an army of holograms poised to start the next chapter in American culture. How would you like to be in charge of it all?\nCartman: [in his commenter window] Ohohoh, totally, brah! So sweet. Being in charge of stuff rules! CartmaaanBrah!\nRecord producer: Glad you feel that way. We have a lot to do together. We're about to take this to a whole new level.\nCartman: Ooohh, I love whole new levels! This is gonna be so totally awesome! CartmaaanBrah!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's house, a snowy day. He's preparing for Hanukkah, setting up the menorah with nine candles. He's lit the second candle, for the second day of Hanukkah, then takes a selfie of himself and the menorah\nKyle: It's the holiday season, but the good times... are ending. Because what matters most isn't what's good, it's what's trending. [leaves the menorah and stops by Ike's room, and looks in] This younger generation, with their eyes and ears glued: What's trending to them is trenders who trend on YouTube. [Ike is watching \"Dragon Age: Inquisition\" on his computer while eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos]\nCartman: [his commenter window pops up on screen] Ahem, how's it going brahs? This is CartmaaanBrah!\nKyle: Comments on commentators, it's all changing so fast. Playing XBox with your brother is... just a thing of the past. [Kyle looks at the floor, turns back and walks away. he stops by the kitchen, then by his dad's study. Gerald takes a selfie with his pet project: a model of a ship] Now with Ma on her iPad, and Dad trending or trying, All the family is scattered, and the living room's dying. [he walks through the living room, then stops and looks around] Because it wasn't the outdoors or church or even trips to go ski, [he looks at the TV and walks up to it] What brought families together most was a good old TV [he walks through the park with his head down] Now we watch things by ourselves and just tweet what we saw. [he sees a little girl on a bench looking at her iPhone] And if you try to complain, you get called a-\nGirl: Grandpa!\nKyle: I'm NOT a GRANDPA!\nKyle: [Now at his own desk] But now let me tweet this for you all to comment upon. [The following is the tweet] The more connected we get, the more alone we become. If you want change like I do, and feel the same gloom, Then please follow THIS trend, #savethelivingroom [finishes the tweet but doesn't submit it yet. He's wearing a tee shirt with #savethelivingroom on it]\nKyle: Whattaya think?\nButters: Hmmm, it's kind of gay.\nKyle: Really??\nButters: I mean, havin' it all rhyme 'n stuff, you know?\nKyle: Hm, I wasn't really going for \"gay,\" I was more going for \"wholesome.\"\nButters: Well, gay is wholesome.\nKyle: But it's gotta be perfect. We're trending well, but we need to attract more followers who want good old family values.\nSheila: [knocks, then enters] Kyle, Bill Cosby is here to see you.\nKyle: Bill Cosby.\nSheila: Yes.\nKyle: Is here. To see me.\nSheila: Yes. [turns around and leaves]\nScene Description: The living room, moments later. Kyle and Butters come downstairs and see Bill\nBill Cosby: Oh! There he is comin' down the stairs.\nKyle: Hello.\nBill Cosby: Hello, son. Your savethelivingroom hash tag is getting a lot of attention and we think it's great.\nKyle: We?\nBill Cosby: I'm just a small part of a big epic holiday special, which is gonna air this weekend. [notices how dusty the TV is and wipes some of the dust off with his right hand] It's a shame how families don't gather in their living rooms like they used to, and we think a big holiday special is just the thing America needs now.\nKyle: Wow. [smiles] Well that's awesome!\nBill Cosby: Well the producers of the show saw how much your idea was trending and thought we should get your hash-tag on board with ours.\nKyle: M-Ah, I'd love to.\nBill Cosby: Great! I'll go right now and tell them you're on board. We've gotta do this quickly!\nKyle: Uh okay! No problem! [Bill lets himself out]\nBill Cosby: This holiday special is gonna bring families together again, son!\nKyle: Uh thanks, Mr. Cosby!\nBill Cosby: Happy Holidays! [Kyle closes the door, and Bill's glitch appears as he walks away - this Bill is a hologram]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. Detective Harries is grilling Randy and Sharon on their story.\nDet. Harris: Mr. Marsh, forgive me if I say your story sounds a little farfetched. You're saying that these people who what you killed are entertainment producers?\nRandy: Yes, they made a copy of me and they don't want me around anymore. They're about to do something big, and they need famous artists to be controlled for it.\nOfficer 1: [with mustache] Who's the famous artist?\nRandy: Me! Oh right, I forgot to tell you that part. I'm actually Lorde.\nDet. Harris: You're Lorde.\nSharon: The nineteen year old pop star. It's true, that's him.\nOfficer 1: You mean the girl who just showed her asshole on Jimmy Fallon?\nRandy: No! That was a copy of me!\nOfficer 2: Right. The thing that I jacked off to was you! Huh! [bemused smile which quickly fades.]\nRandy: Look, I don't know what they're up to, but these people have something much darker planned!\nOfficer 3: [runs into the station] Detective Harris! Sir! We've got a problem!\nDet. Harris: [turns around] What is it, Adams?\nAdams: [Officer 3] We've arrested a black man who was snooping around the old Jefferson estate!\nDet. Harris: Did you choke him?\nAdams: Yes!\nDet. Harris: Did you shoot him?\nAdams: YES!\nDet. Harris: So what's the problem?\nAdams: He... appears to be just a hologram, sir.\nMJ's Hologram: [brought in by another officer, somehow handcuffed] Naw, it's ignorant! You don't understand! We have to stop them! Heee hee!\nDet. Harris: Oh my God. Are you sure that hologram is black??\nScene Description: Stan's house, day. The doorbell rings and he answers it. It's Kyle.\nKyle: [excitedly] Dude, what are you doing?!\nStan: [texting] Trying to find my dad. He's supposed to take me to the board game store.\nKyle: They picked up my hash tag, Stan! I'm trending!\nStan: Who did?\nKyle: These producers making a big holiday special! [goes to the TV and wipes it clean] They had me upload a video for a commercial they're about to air! They said my hash tag was awesome, and they wanted to promote it!\nStan: That's a little strange, isn't it?\nKyle: No, it's great! It's just what this country needs right now!\nScene Description: The commercial begins\nAnnouncer: From the producers of Women Of Rock Live and The Rockefeller Tree Lighting Ceremony, it's the holiday television event of the season! With appearances by [the guest stars are shown as they're mentioned] Al Pacino [on a sled going down a hill] Iggy Azalea [wearing a black and white outfit, with her ass dressed up as a snowman] J.J. Watt [clutching a reindeer] Miley Cyrus [dressed as an elf, swinging from a huge Christmas ornament and sticking her tongue out] U2 [presenting gifts] Angelina Jolie [dressed as an elf and scratching her crotch] Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift [he offers her a drink, she declines it] A hologram of Elvis Presley [a National Enquire tabloid drops down to reveal him, then a bigfoot appears behind him] Kurt Cobain's hologram [pops up from a chimney and waves hello with his hat] The hologram of Robin Williams [wearing reindeer horns and festive clothes, pops his clown nose off] Tom Hanks, Lorde [he holds up a mistletoe as her hologram turns around] First Lady Michelle Obama [licks a huge candy cane] And Michael Jackson's hologram as Peter Pan.\nMJ's hologram: [flits through the air] I'm flying! Hee dah dada dat dih\nAnnouncer: And featuring live commentary the entire show by CartmanBrah.\nCartman: CartmaaanBrah! Dude, check it out. Lady Gaga is singing Christmas songs. Isn't she a Jew?\nAnnouncer: There's something for every generation to bring families together.\nKyle: Please, tune in and help get America's families back in the living room.\nCartman: He's such a douchebag.\nAnnouncer: It's all live and it's all magical. It's the Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special.\nCartman: Now we're talkin'! [the commenter window disappears and Stan and Kyle are stunned]\nKyle: That son of a bitch!\nStan: That self-promoting asshole!\nKyle: Why would he do this?!\nStan: Because my dad's an idiot!\nKyle: Not your dad, Cartman! What's your dad got to do with this?!\nStan: Nnnothing, nothing.\nScene Description: The record producer's office, day. CartmanBrah is there with the other executives in the office\nCartman: Ehey hey, how's it going bros? This is CartmaaanBrah! And it looks like we're in the producer's office in Los Angeles now. [eats some chips]\nExec. 1: So far the holiday special is trending fine, but it appears that the Michael Jackson hologram is the most heavily tweeted.\nRecord producer: And we still have no idea where the damned hologram is?\nRon: Not yet, but Tupac is close to hunting him down.\nCartman: Look at that guy. He's like 40, but he's got a Justin Bieber haircut.\nRecord producer: We got one shot at this, people! This [pounds his fist on the table] has to be the holiday special to end all holiday specials!\nRon: Sir, I get that you brought this YouTube commentator in because he's popular with the younger kids, but now he's trying to tell us what the show should be called??\nRecord producer: He's got his finger on the pulse of young America.\nExec. 2: Sir, I'm pretty sure that [reads from his phone] \"Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special\" is not a good name.\nCartman: No, it's not good, it's fuckin' awesome!\nRon: [leans in] If I may be frank, sir, I think you're giving this kid a little too much power!\nCartman: I can hear you, douchebag.\nRecord producer: People, you know what we're trying to do here. [leaves his desk and paces the room] We're trying to finally create entertainment that reaches the younger generation, that unites the young with the old. That means being hip, being now.\nCartman: These guys are such blumpkin catchers.\nRecord producer: There, you see that? \"Blumpkin catchers.\" Do any of you even know what that means? This kid is our way to connect with the youth of America, and I'm gonna give him all the power he needs.\nCartman: G'dang g'dang! G'dang g'dang g'dank!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. Harris goes over skin color with the other cops and some color swatches. Randy, Sharon, and MJ's hologram are at the far end of the office space\nOfficer 4: What about this, sir? Burnt sienna?\nDet. Harris: He's not a Native American, damnit! That's obvious!\nOfficer 1: I'll, I'll put it in the report he's Mylar brown.\nDet. Harris: That isn't even close! We have to be able to prove that hologram is a light-skinned black guy!\nRandy: Mr. Jackson, it's me, Lorde.\nMJ's hologram: Who? Lorde? You're not Lorde, that's ignorant.\nRandy: Please. Do you know what's going on here? What are the producers trying to do?\nMJ's hologram: They're gonna make a big holiday special. They've got holograms and YouTube commentators and live tweeting and it's ignorant! It's gonna be the most ignorant holiday special ever!\nRandy: A holiday special. Oh my God.\nMJ's hologram: It's directed at children! We have to stop them!\nOfficer 4: Huh how about we say he's mixed race?\nDet. Harris: As long as Adams only choked the black half, I think it's okay.\nRandy: [to Sharon] I should have known. Bastards always talked about a day when social media and entertainment would be fused as one! I didn't know they meant a Christmas special! [to MJ's hologram] Can you help me stop them?!\nMJ's hologram: Yes. We have to reach the children. It's our only hope.\nRandy: Then we'll do it together. I love children just as much as you do.\nMJ's hologram: [stands up] ALLEGEDLY! [the officers look at him] THAT WAS A CIVIL SUIT AND THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE! [sits down] It's ignorant.\nScene Description: Kyle's house. He stops by the kitchen with Stan as Sheila reads her iPad\nKyle: Mom?! Where is Ike?!\nSheila: Oh Kyle! Your hash tag is really trending. I saw the commercial.\nKyle: That's not what I was trending! They took my hash tag and they raped it! Where is Ike?!\nSheila: He's upstairs playing with all his friends.\nScene Description: Ike's room. Kyle and Stan rush inside\nPewDiePie: Oh my God, that's the ugliest...\nKyle: Ike! You are no longer to watch that stupid little YouTube blogging asshole! Do you understand?! You damn kids following these YouTube commentators is bad enough, but i will not have them invading my living room!\nKid 2: Old people are so funny.\nConner: They really just don't get it.\nKid 3: And they smell like soap.\nStan: We're not old people! You guys are just into lame, vulgar crap, and it needs to be stopped!\nKid 4: Careful Grandpa, you might crap your Depends! [the kids laugh, even Ike]\nKyle: WE'RE NOT BEING GRANDPAS!\nStan: Yeah, you damn kids!\nPewDiePie: ...that's the lamest...\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, upstairs. The officers still haven't come to a conclusion about MJ's hologram\nDet. Harris: Okay, okay, so we're agreeing the hologram is black. So the question is, if he's black, then how come we couldn't choke him?\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, front office. A police officer stands behind the front desk. The doors open and in walks Tupac's hologram\nFront Desk Officer: Can I help you? [the hologram looks at him and moves away] Eh-excuse me. Can I help you? [the hologram moves deeper into the building. A security camera shows him walking down a hallway. The front desk officer runs into the office] Sir? A black guy walked into the police station!\nDet. Harris: Heh, uh huh? [looks at the officer and grins]\nFront Desk Officer: Well a, a black guy walked into the police station.\nDet. Harris: [chuckling, anticipating a joke] Yeah? Wait. Mitchell, listen to this one. [Mitchell appears in the background] Start over: what's the setup?\nFront Desk Officer: There's this black guy, walked into the police station.\nMitchell: Oh yeah, I think I've heard it, but go ahead.\nFront Desk Officer: No, really, a black guy walked into the-!\nMitchell: Ohhh ya ya ya? \"We set who free?\"\nFront Desk Officer: No no, a black guy literally walked into the police station!\nDet. Harris: Oh, it's a new one. [Tupac's hologram walks in] Aw, shit! Look out! [the officers quickly draw their weapons]\nOfficer 4: It's a black guy! Choke him!\nDet. Harris: Shoot him!\nOfficer 4: Shoot him and then choke him! [the front desk officer shoots the hologram, but the bullet just goes through and disrupts the hologram's structural integrity. The officer tries to choke the hologram, but the arms just go through it]\nMJ's hologram: He's here to kill us! Run!! Heee heee! [they escape while the officers shoot at Tupac's hologram. They go down the fire escape unnoticed]\nScene Description: Cartman's house. Kyle and Stan walk up to his room. Kyle tries to open the door, but finds it locked. He then pounds on the door\nKyle: Cartman, open this door right now!\nCartman: [his commenter window pops up] Hahaha, look at kyle, brahs. he's all pissed off. CartmaanBrah!\nKyle: What the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm trending, Kyle. I'm trending more than I ecer thought possible.\nKyle: Come out here and talk to me face to face! Open this door!\nCartman: How do you even know I'm here in my room?\nKyle: Because you just said, \"here in my room\"!\nCartman: ...Very impressive, Kyle. But the holiday special is beginning soon. I'm afraid I can't let there be any distractions. [Kyle tries breaking his way into the room] You will find that my door has been sealed with a 3/4 inch plywood and a polymer-metal alloy secured with drewall screws. [Kyle stops]\nStan: Cartman, please! We have to stop this show! Lorde is going to do something horrible and corrupt little girls everywhere!\nCartman: Why does that matter?\nStan: Because Lorde is my dad, alright?! [walks forward as his anger drains away] Lorde is my dad.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: What are you talking about, Stan?\nStan: He does it all with computers and processors... He got discovered on the Internet. He's like the PewDiePie of music. And he played live last week. Rubbed his clit and started trending more than ever. I thought he had learned his lesson... but it's like he doesn't care.\nCartman: Sorry guys, I gotta go. The world needs CartmanBrah. [the commenter window disappears]\nKyle: Why didn't you tell me, Stam? I would've helped.\nStan: It just all seemed so... stupid.\nKyle: I'll call the producers of the show. They'll help you find your dad.\nScene Description: Meanwhile, at the Marsh house. Randy, Sharon, and MJ's hologram enter the house and sit on the sofa\nSharon: See if it started!\nRandy: We don't really use this thing anymore. [grabs the remote and turns on the TV] It hasn't started yet! Alright, Sharon, get on your computer upstairs! Mr. Jackson, you can take the one in my son's room! We've got to tell people the truth!\nSharon: [puts her hand on Randy's shoulder] Randy, what about Shelly?\nRandy: Oh my God...\nMJ's hologram: Shelly? Who's Shelly? That's ignorant.\nRandy: My daughter... She has no idea that I'm Lorde... I can't let her find out from the Internet. I have to tell her the truth before we all tell the world.\nSharon: How are you going to tell her that the singer she's idolized has been you?\nRandy: I guess... one step at a time.\nScene Description: Shelly's room, moments later. Randy knocks on her door, then looks in. Shelly is looking at her monitor\nRandy: Shelly? Um, I'm Lorde. [she sits up a little] All the music you've really been into has been me. Nobody in the family knew except for your mother. And your brother, and your grandpa. But Michael Jackson's hologram is here and we're going to set the record straight, Okay? Love you. [blows her a kiss and closes the door, then to Michael's hologram]Whew, that was hard.\nSharon: RANDY?! [Randy and Michael's hologram head downstairs]\nScene Description: The living room. The men reach the foot of the stairs\nSharon: It's started.\nAnnouncer: And now, Nabisco and Dolly Madison present, The Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special! [CartmanBrah appears in a window at upper left of the screen] And now, live via hologram, it's Kurt Cobain. [he appears in a Christmas fireplace setting]\nCartman: Oh, this should be good.\nKurt's hologram: [begins to sing] Up on the housetop, reindeer pause out jumps good ole Santa Claus\nCartman: I'm sure this is exactly how Kurt Cobain would want to be remembered.\nKurt's hologram: Down through the chimney with lots of toys All for the little ones, girls and boys [reaches to his left for a double-barreled shotgun and waves it around as if marching] Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go Yeh-he-he-eah who wouldn't go [loads and cocks the shotgun] Up on the housetop clickity click click [aims it at his mouth as if to shoot himself] Down through the chimney with good St. Nick? [waves it around again, then stops]\nCartman: Hoh, this should get some comments. [Kurt's hologram fires the rifle and a small flag saying \"Merry Christmas\" pops out. He grins]\nScene Description: The control room. Ron is in charge\nRon: Stand by on camera 4. Boost the live Twitter feed. Aaand cue the hash tag! How are we trending?\nController 1: Trending at 64% and steady.\nRon: [on the phone with the producer] We're trending at 64%, sir.\nScene Description: Buca de Faggoncini. The record producer is having dinner\nRecord producer: Excellent. I'm just about to deal with our last order of business now.\nKyle: [walks into the restaurant and towards the producer with Stan] Thanks for seeing us, sir. My friend is really worried about his dad.\nRecord producer: No no, thank you! [wipes his lips clean] If you hadn't called, I... wouldn't know what I know now. [gets up and walks towards the bar, dialing a number in the process]\nStan: Um, l-look ih if I could just talk to him real quick? I wanna try and stop him from making an ass of himself again.\nRecord producer: It's me. I've got somethin' you might be interested in.\nRandy: [on the line in the master bedroom] I don't think so, you son of a bitch! [Sharon and Michael's hologram are also there]\nRecord producer: I've got your son here, Lorde. If you don't cooperate, he dies.\nStan: What?? [both he and Kyle are scared]\nRandy: Stanley?! YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!\nScene Description: The living room. Randy runs downstairs with Sharon following\nSharon: Randy, where are you going?!\nRandy: THEY'VE GOT STAN! JUST STAY HERE WITH MICHAEL JACKSON! [just as he reaches the front door, it opens and Tupac's hologram walks in] SHIT!! [runs to the back door.]\nScene Description: Out front, at least 14 police cruisers and one tank roll up to the house. Some of them drift into position. Officers jump out of the cars and arm themselves.\nDet. Harris: [on his bullhorn] All right, listen up! We believe this is where the black people are! They're holograms, so we can't choke them or shoot them, so stand by till we figure out what the hell to do!\nOfficer 5: [runs up] Sir! You'd better see this! [holds out a phone, which Detective Harris looks at] There's something new trending! #copscantgoaroundchokingblackpeople.\nDet. Harris: We know we can't, but we're trying to! Jesus, tell them we're workiing on it!\nOfficer 6: No, sir, I I think they mean we shouldn't. Like we're racist or something.\nDet. Harris: What?! We're not racists.\nPeterson: Sir, we've got confirmation. There's two black guys in the upstairs of the house!\nDet. Harris: [turns around anticipating another joke] Uh huh, go ahead.\nPeterson: Two black guys. One of them is threatening the other one.\nDet. Harris: Yehah? Hang on! Mitch! [Mitchell appears again] Two black guys in the upstairs of the house. One of them is threatening the other one. [to Peterson] Okay, go ahead.\nScene Description: Back at the holiday special\nAnnouncer: And now, together at last, Iggy Azalea and Elvis. [Elvis' hologram is playing the ukulele]\nCartman: Oh bros, weak!\nElvis' Hologram: Have a jolly holly Christmas\nIggy's Ass: It's the best time of the pfffffffft.\nElvis' Hologram: I don't know if there'll be snow but have a cup of\nIggy's Ass: Pfffffffft\nCartman: Oh weak, bros, so weak!\nScene Description: Back at the control room. Ron has his back to the monitors\nController 2: It's incredible! I've never seen trending like this!\nRon: [turns around] We're trending well?\nController 1: We're barely trending at all. But #ihatecartmanbrah is trending off the charts!\nController 2: He's right. ihatecartmanbrah is trending at 96% and climbing.\nRon: That's impossible.\nScene Description: Back at Buca de Faggoncini, the record producer pours himself another drink\nKyle: How can you be willing to kill people for a holiday special? What's wrong with you?\nRecord producer: It was five years ago that I... became a grandpa. At first it was wonderful. I wanted to show my grandson everything. Teach him all about the entertainment business. One day I aasked him, \"Who's your favorite celebrity?\" You know what he said to me? He said, \"PeewwDiePie.\" I had no idea who [turns around] he was talking about. So I looked it up. And he was this insignificant little game blogger from Sweden who my grandson thought was a god! No matter who else I tried to impress him with, he would just say, \"Meh.\" To me! MEH! [turns back to the bar] What the hell is wrong with these kids today?? With this special, we will assimilate this generation's culture into ours! MAKE THEM APPRECIATE REAL ENTERTAINMENT, DAMNIT! [pounds theh bar with his fist]\nStan: Dude. You're such a grandpa.\nRecord producer: [angrily clears everything off the bar] I AM NOT A GRANDPAAA!\nScene Description: Back at the holiday special, it's Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift in the second duet\nTaylor: Well I guess it's time to leave.\nBill's hologram: Oh but it's snowin' out dere.\nTaylor: Yeah but I need to get home.\nBill's hologram: But it's snowin' out dere.\nTaylor: I really should go\nBill's hologram: Oh what's the hurry?\nTaylor: Say, what's in this drink?'\nBill's hologram: That's just some J-E-L-L-O.\nTaylor: The holidays are comin'-\nDad: This is the oddest holiday special I've ever seen.\nMom: Maybe we should turn it off.\nCartman: [his commenter window appears] Oh wow, where are we now, brahs? [the family looks at him] This looks pretty stupid.\nDad: What the heck? [tries to turn the TV off, but it won't turn off]\nCartman: CartmaanBrah!\nDad: [smacks the remote on his left hand a few times] This damn TV! What is that window doing outside the holiday special?! [tries turning the TV off again]\nMom: Call customer service.\nScene Description: Customer service, Steve answering\nSteve: Panasonic customer service. How can I help you?\nDad: Yeah, we've got a commenter window in our living room. How do I get rid of that?\nSteve: Ohhhh yes yes yes yes. Many people are calling about this. We have NO idea what's going on. Have I answered all your questions in a timely manner?\nCartman: [his commenter window appears] Oho, looks like we've reached customer service, brahs. Now we can truly be everywhere!\nScene Description: The holiday special control room\nRon: This isn't part of the holiday special! What is he doing?!\nController 2: He's trending more than we ever thought possible.!\nCartman: [his commenter window appears] Yes, with every passing second I become more powerful.\nScene Description: Stan's house, out front. The cops are laughing their asses off now\nDet. Harris: [laughing with them] Okay! Okay, okay okay okay. Go ahead.\nPeterson: So, then, the first black guy said to the second black guy, \"Don't shoot me. I'm on your side.\"\nDet. Harris: Okay! Okay. Okay. Hold on. [catches his breath] Okay, go ahead.\nPeterson: And then the, the the tattooed black guy said, to him, \"I ain't gonna kill you, man. You're the King of Pop. Let's go cap that whitey producer.\"\nDet. Harris: Oh God! Stop! Stop! Stop!\nCartman: [his commenter window appears] Happy holidays, everyone! [the cops stop laughing and look at the window] Enjoy the rest of your lives with CartmanBrah.\nScene Description: Buca de Faggoncini. Cartman's commenter window is now a fixture\nRecord producer: Damn it, you're ruining the show!\nCartman: Of course I am. This isn't about you. This is about CartmanBrah, brah.\nKyle: I am so confused.\nRecord producer: [to Ron] Shut him down!\nRon: We can't, sir!\nCartman: I am trending so much that soon I will reach... trendscendence. Like Johnny Depp, but cool.\nStephen: I'm confused. Why this holiday special and what is it?\nCartman: It's all CartmanBrah now. [a shot of Times Square. Cartman's image replaces everything else on the screens there] I am trending into something more than human. I am becoming... transgender. [a shot of the Times Square crowd, looking at the screens in disbelief] Now they will HAVE to give my my own bathroom!\nRecord producer: This is not what I hired you for! I CONTROL TALENT, DAMNIT!\nMJ's hologram: [bursts through the doors with Tupac's hologram] There he is! That's the ignorant man!\nRecord producer: This is crazy and everyone is watching everything!\nKyle: [thinking aloud] Everyone is watching everything. [turns right and walks up to a camera] Ike? [switch to Ike's room] Ike, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. I have been a grandpa. [Ike's friends look at the monitor] I didn't understand the things you are into and I and I thought you should like the same stuff that I did. [Michael's hologram walks up to the record producer and shoots him in the head, killing him] I have to accept that you're gonna have your own things. I just didn't want you to watch HIM. I just... I just wanna be a family again.\nKid 4: Oh, I feel bad for the little guy.\nConner: There's nothing sadder than a old man crying.\nKid 3: Maybe we should help\nIke: Yeah!\nKid 2: Okay.\nKyle: Help? How can you help?\nKid 2: It's the holiday season. We just need to get everyone to believe again.\nConner: Yeah, someone can come change all this. You know who.\nKyle: Really? That's what you guys would do?\nConner: Of course! We just need to get everyone to believe in him. He'll always come and help. #webelieveinyou\nKyle: Oh my God, you're right! You're totally right!! EVERYONE! GET A NEW TREND GOING! FAST! #webelieveinyou!\nMJ's hologram: We believe in you. Of course!\nKyle: [walks ever closer to the camera] You too! Right now! #webelieveinyou! We've got to make him appear! [the signal is now disrupted]\nCartman: Hey! What's going on? What is that? [amid some special effects of snow and holly popping out of the upper right corner of screens everywhere, PewDiePie's commenter window appears]\nPewDiePie: How's it goin' bros? This is [goes fullscreen]PewDiePie!\nCartman: What the hell?!\nKids: PewDiePie!\nKyle: PewDiePie?!\nPewDiePie: Thanks for all the shoutouts. I guess there's some little fat kid trying to be me, so let's check it out.\nCartman: Ey! Get out of here, PewDiePie! This is MY holiday special!\nPewDiePie: [mocking Cartman] God damn it, get out of here!\nCartman: Uh, everyone, tweet now if you wanna get rid of PewDiePie!\nPewDiePie: This show is getting kind of boring, bros. What do you say we change it out to something more exciting?\nCartman: Please show your support for CartmanBrah brah right now by uh...\nPewDiePie: I know! Let's play Call of Duty! [the game pops up fullscreen and the commenter windows switch places]\nCartman: No! You can't do this!\nPewDiePie: Ohhh yeah! This is more like it, bros!\nCartman: God damn it, who the hell do you think you are?! If you don't stop right now-!\nPewDiePie: Okay, that little fat kid is getting annoying. Let's get rid of him!\nCartman: NOOOO! [his commenter window disappears, as well as the holiday special]\nPewDiePie: Oh yeah! Way better, bros! This is how we do it in Sweden! BOOM head shot! BOOM head shot!\nScene Description: South Park, next morning. At Stark's Pond, Stan and Kyle sit on a bench and look out over the lake.\nKyle: Well, I finally got my family to use the living room for an hour each night.\nStan: I'm still really confused, dude. I have no idea what that was about.\nKyle: Yeah. I guess that's the point. I don't think we're gonna understand. Maybe this IS all the beginning of a new art form. YouTube celebrities are only getting bigger. And what's great is that these people are inventing themselves, instead of being marketed and shoved down our throats.\nStan: Yeah.\nKyle: No matter what we think, it's not just a passing trend. We need to realize that the new generation of entertainment is here. [notices PewDiePie's commenter window pop up to his right and above] And I, think that's great.\nStan: Yeah, I think that's great too.\nPewDiePie: Alright bros, it look like we'll have to end it there. I wanna thank South Park for being in my show. I hope you bros enjoyed watching, and as always, stay awesome! [over the end credits] Oh! That's it bros. Show's over."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, night. Emergency All School meeting. Students and their parents file into the cafeteria and find seats. Mr. Mackey approaches the mic\nMr. Mackey: Alright parents and students, please take your seats. [A gleeful Randy crumples a sheet of paper into a ball and throws it at him as Sharon looks on. The crumpled up paper strikes Mr. Mackey, who tries to deflect it and gets annoyed] Okay, okay. Now as you know, There was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a \"hot Cosby,\" okay? [everyone laughs. Cartman looks around, smiling] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired!\nVarious adults: What? Fired?\nCartman: Sweet dude!\nMr. Mackey: And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh ukay? So please welcome... PC Principal. [a burly man holding a sports bottle walks through the cafeteria. He sports a goatee, a hint of a mustache, and Oakley sunglasses. He swallows the last of the drink and throws the bottle off to one side]\nPC Principal: Alright, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word \"retarded\"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, I was a [takes his right wrist and flips it forward] lesbian then.\nPC Principal: A chef \"person of color\" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!\nButters: No, he got brainwashed by a cult.\nPC Principal: [aims his left index finger at Butters] And that's two days' detention for you, young man! We'll see you at 4!\nButters: What??\nPC Principal: Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right?! Where are the Hispanic kids?! Huh?! Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?!\nMr. Mackey: Well, we have Token; he's black.\nPC Principal: [aims his left index finger at Mr. Mackey] And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey! Congratulations!\nMr. Mackey: Wha- I got detention?\nPC Principal: I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! [Sharon and Stan look at Randy] A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians.\nTuong Lu Kim: Ohhhh I hate-a Mongorians!\nPC Principal: What the fuck is this?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Weoo-weoo-weoo You hear that?! That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it! [holds his right arm out and lets the mic drop to the floor from his hand]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids walk here and there in the hall. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk together\nStan: [looking around] Man, I guess things are going to be different around here.\nKyle: You know what? I think it's good. Let's face it: this is long overdue.\nButters: [runs up to the other three] Did you guys hear? Cartman got four days' detention, for calling Heidi Turner \"clitty litter\"!\nKenny: (Really?)\nButters: But the thing is, Eric isn't even fightin' it. It's like he's all sad and scared.\nKyle: Good! He should be sad and scared! These things do matter and I already feel better to be at a school where we can start to have a dialogue and talk about this stuff.\nMr. Mackey: [over the P.A. system] Will uh, Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office immediately? Uhkay? Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle walks off] Did I, did I say that all right?\nScene Description: The principal's office, some time later. Gerald opens the office door and steps in\nGerald: Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father.\nPC Principal: Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.\nGerald: [to Kyle, in a hushed voice] Wull, what's this about, Kyle?\nPC Principal: Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke! Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds the desk with his left fist] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!\nGerald: Wh-wh-what did he say?\nPC Principal: [takes off his sunglasses] You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] \"I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.\" [no reaction from Gerald or Kyle. PC Principal gets ready to erupt] This kind of transphobic and [pounds the desk with his left fist] bigoted hate speech isn't gonna fly here, bro! Well I though we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind. And then this shit comes out of people's mouths!\nGerald: PC Principal, I, I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, and not trying to say anything against-\nPC Principal: You got a fuckin' problem bro?!\nGerald: No...\nPC Principal: 'Cause it's not Bruce fuckin' Jenner! It's Caitlyn, and she's a fuckin' stunning woman! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH?! What's up?! What's fuckin' up, bro?\nGerald: Look, maybe we can all just ta-\nPC Principal: Get the fuck out of here, dude! [turns the desk over, sending papers all over the place]\nGerald and Kyle: [alarmed] Aaah! [Gerald takes Kyle and they both rush to the door, open it, and rush out]\nScene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew. The men of the town have gathered at this new watering hole. At the center table sit Stuart, Stephen, Randy, Gerald, and Ryan Valmer\nRandy: I mean, who the hell does this guy think he is? Some college kid's gonna come in and tell us our ways are old?\nStuart: Yeah. And, you can't bully our kids like that.\nGerald: Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.\nStephen: Huh for what?!\nGerald: Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]\nStephen: Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. she's a hero. She is stunning and brave.\nStuart: Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.\nRyan: Yup!\nRandy: Yup, that's right.\nGerald: Well what the hell were you guys talki-\nRyan: We've gotta be careful, Gerald. This is a college bar.\nPC bro 1: Somebody here have a problem with Caitlyn Jenner?\nRyan: No.\nPC bro 1: No? 'Cause she's a stunning, beautiful woman, and if you wanna call her anything else I'm ready to fuckin' throw down!\nStuart: No no, we're totally fine with it.\nPC bro 2: Weoo-weoo-weoo-weoo-weoo! [walks up waving his left hand over his head like a police siren] It? Did somebody just refer to Caitlyn Jenner as \"it\"? I'm PC, bro. I'll throw down!\nPC bro 1: Sweet. You're PC bro?\nPC bro 2: Yeah, Arizona State.\nPC bro 1: Sweet, bro. I'm PC UMass.\nPC bro 2: Fuck yeah! Sweet, dude! [holds up his left hand open]\nPC bro 1: [clasps the other guy's left hand with his own] Sweet! [releases the grip] So, do we have a fuckin' problem here?\nStephen: No! Caitlyn Jenner is the bravest woman in America.\nPC bro 3: Weoo-eoowoo-eoowoo-oo! [walks up waving his right hand over his head like a police siren] Did someone here just say \"America\" in a way that \"other-izes\" and demeans the people of Latin and South America?!\nPC bro 2: Nice, dude. You PC?\nPC bro 3: Yeah, Chino Hills. [to the seated men] You think Venezuelans aren't Americans, brah?!\nPC bro 2: Yeah, you wanna make fun of me?!\nPC Principal: [notices the commotion and walks up] Hey! What seems to be the problem here, gentlemen?!\nPC bro 1: Who the hell are you?!\nPC Principal: I'm PC Principal.\nPC bro 2: Oh nice. We're all PC too.\nPC Principal: No way! There's more PC bros here?\nPC bro 4: Yeah dude, Ohio State.\nPC Principal: Sweet, bros. Texas A&M. Bro, I had no idea there were like-minded individuals in this town that defended social minorities. We should all hang out.\nPC bro 1: We should totally hang out.\nPC bro 4: We should all get a house together and unite our tolerant views.\nPC bro 1: Fuckin' do it, dude!\nPC bro 4: Fuck yeah!\nScene Description: A new frat house in South Park - Rho Omega Delta - night. PC bros are everywhere, lifting weights, fighting, drinking from kegs, having a good time. Two of them are on a balcony drinking PBR as two farmers gaze at the house from a distance.\nJanitor: Well, looks like thangs are gettin' all PC again. [a shot of the house again]\nFriend: Well how long d'you think this will last?\nJanitor: Lasted about six years last time. We got at least [checks his watch] 5.9 years to go.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings, and Cartman is at his locker getting his back pack. The other boys walk up to him.\nKyle: Uhhh, hey Cartman. Uhwaht's goin' on? Aren't you going to ah, you know, go do something about this new principal?\nCartman: I've already got four days of detention. I don't want anymore. I'm gonna start following the rules.\nStan: But, this isn't you, Cartman.\nKyle: Yeah, where is the Eric Cartman we know? The Eric Cartman we know breaks the rules. And he gets away with it. Just like his hero! Come on, who's your hero, Cartman?!\nCartman: [sighs heavily] Tom Brady.\nStan: Right! And what does Tom Brady do after breaking the rules?\nCartman: Deny and subvert.\nStan: Yeah!\nButters: Yeah, what? Well what would Tom Brady say if he got caught shoplifting.\nCartman: Everybody shoplifts. Why are you coming down on me?\nButters: Yeah!\nKyle: [walks up to Cartman] You're Tom Brady, Cartman! And that new principal in there is the football commissioner trying to dictate his punishment to you. And what happens when an invulnerable cheater comes up against an elitist corporate dictator?\nCartman: A perfect storm of hypocrisy that everyone in the country has to deal with for months on end.\nCartman: [pacing back and forth] You're right, guys. I'm gonna Tom Brady this thing!\nBoys: Yeah!\nCartman: I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say \"You're not giving me four day of detention! You're only giving me one!\"\nBoys: Yeah!\nCartman: NO! No, to hell with that! \"You're giving me NO days detention! And then I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife! Who's not even that hot, and kinda looks like a dude!\" [marches off]\nBoys: Yeah!\nCartman: [turns around] Thanks, guys. I almost forgot the lessons that football has taught us all. I can get around these pesky rules. Butters, I'm going to need your underwear. [walks off]\nButters: Well ohhh-kay! [walks off after Cartman]\nKyle: Cool. I think we did it. [raises his left arm, and Stan high-fives it]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. PC Principal walks through it like the Big Man On Campus. The kids look up at him in awe. He reaches the stairs leading up to the faculty bathroom. Nearby Jenny Simons looks at him, he looks back. He opens his arms as if to scare a bear, then he takes a step in Jenny's direction. Jenny backs away immediately. PC Principal goes downstairs.\nScene Description: Faculty bathroom, moments later. PC Principal puts his glasses behind his head and does his business at the urinal. Cartman drops down from the toilet in the stall behind the principal and steps outside the stall\nCartman: Oh, PC Principal, how are you today?\nPC Principal: What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?\nCartman: You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention and... you're going t'apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.\nPC Principal: What the fuck are you talking about?\nCartman: It's just a request, that's all. See you around. [stops and looks down] Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks it up] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs at it] Why, this is Butters' underwear.\nPC Principal: [zips up and looks at Cartman] What?\nCartman: PC Principal, you have Butters' underwear and now... [drops it into the urinal and soaks it in PC Principal's urine - the principal had not flushed the urinal - and pulls the briefs out.] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. [through some windows above the urinal, Kyle, Butters, Craig, Stan, and Token watch the action unfold] This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?\nPC Principal: What did you just say?\nCartman: You mean about keeping your dick out?\nPC Principal: \"Capiche\"?! You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! [one by one, the boys' smiles disappear] You'd better watch your micro-aggression's, bro! [now the boys are afraid of the next move]\nCartman: Oh-kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, so you?\nPC Principal: Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up...]\nCartman: Okay, let's back up. [...and slams him against the stall] Aaah!\nPC Principal: [slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror] Did you just say \"spokesman\" instead of \"spokesperson\"?! When women are just as capable at selling sandwiches as anyone?! [slams Cartman into the mirror, shattering it] Are you purposely trying to use words that assert your male privilege?! [slams Cartman into a sink, shattering it]\nCartman: [quuickly] No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!\nPC Principal: [ignoring him] Do you think Italian-Americans and women are less important?! [pins Cartman to the floor and starts beating him up]\nCartman: Oh God!\nPC Principal: You dare to use words that alienate two communities of people who have to deal with verbal biases like yours on a daily basis?! [beats him up some more. The other boys leave the window and walk away.]\nScene Description: Rho Omega Delta house. The frat bros are having a good time as \"Genius of Love\" plays in the background. Randy looks out from his bedroom window, not being able to sleep, and sees the frat house. He puts his fists against his hips and heads for the house. He bangs on the door until it opens\nRandy: Can I speak with PC Principal please?\nPC bro 5: Oh yeah. We got another one, guys!\nPC bro 6: All right. Bring him in, bro!\nPC bro 7: [voice only] We're ready! Woo! [other PC bros haul him in and change his clothes]\nRandy: Hey what? [stands in line with a bunch of other guys] Hey no, I- No, I don't- [he is now wearing a PLEDGE shirt - he is now a pledge for this fraternity]\nPC bro 8: All the pledges take a shot! [the music is cut off, frat bros come in and offers the pledges swigs from various bottles of liquor]\nPC Principal: All right pledgies, we're excited. You wanna try and be PC. We hope you've got what it takes to join the most socially active group in America.\nPC bros: Weoooh!\nPC Principal: You know, there's still some people out there that say \"What does being PC really mean?\" Well, I'll tell you what it means. It means you love nothin' more than beer, workin' out, and that feelin' you get when you rhetorically defend a marginalized community from systems of oppression.\nPC bros: Wooo! Yeah! Dude, let's go! Woowooo! Yeah!\nRandy: [takes a swig] Yeah!\nPC bros: Wooohooo!\nRandy: [shakes his head vigorously] Wooo-ooo!\nPC bros: Wooohooo! let's go! Yeah!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, early morning. Randy comes down the stairs slowly, painfully. He stops a moment to address a headache. He makes his way slowly to the kitchen and sits at the breakfast table. He hangs his head and rests it on his right hand. Sharon, arms crossed, has been waiting for him.\nSharon: You got home pretty late last night. Six AM?\nRandy: I've joined a social awareness group. It's a coalition that discourages the use of ... words that have negative or offensive connotations... to grant respect to people who are victims of unfair stereotypes.\nSharon: You got in at Six and now you're missing work.\nRandy: We've been getting away with horrible things, Sharon. Having- laughs at less privileged people and thinking it was harmless. Our group is... trying to be a civilizing influence... where we discuss and have meetings to better define and reinforce tolerance and acceptance [voice trails off] of all groups of people.\nSharon: Hm... And do they have booze at these meetings?\nRandy: Uhhhh... They serve refreshments, yes.\nScene Description: A hospital room, night. Cartman is on a bed hooked up to monitoring equipment. He's got two black eyes, cuts on his arms, and a cast on his right leg. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny stop by\nStan: Cartman?\nCartman: [with raspy voice] We can't beat him, you guys. PC Principal is too strong.\nButters: What do we do now?\nCartman: There's nothing left to do. I'm going to admit I did something wrong, take my punishment, and move on. I'm not Tom Brady.\nButters: [earnestly] Oh no!\nKyle: Dude, if we all tell the police what the principal did, he'll be fired!\nStan: Yeah.\nCartman: No way.\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: Because PC Principal is right, Kyle. You and I are bigots, and it's time for us to grow up.\nKyle: No, you're a bigot.\nCartman: If I can face my prejudice, why can't you? We're two privileged, straight white boys who have their laughs about things we never had to deal with.\nKyle: I'm not going to apologize for saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't a hero! In fact, personally, I think she's most likely not a very good person! [the boys gasp]\nCartman: [In added pain] Aaahh, aahh! [looks left at Kyle] Kyle, believe me! I know the struggle with hatred. Let's make ourselves better people... together. [reaches out to Kyle]\nKyle: Come on, fat-ass.\nCartman: No more fat-shaming, Kyle. Let's start a new chapter.\nKyle: So you're never gonna call me a dirty Jew again?\nCartman: No. I'm going to call you... my friend.\nKyle: Oh fuck you. [turns around and walks out]\nCartman: I... guess we never realized how bad he really was.\nScene Description: Rho Omega Delta house, night. Randy dances with other bros to \"Watch Me (Whip / Nae Nae)\" and takes a sip of beer after each dance move\nPC Principal: All right, pledges, listen up. Congratulations on making it to the final cuts. [only three pledges are left - Randy and two other men.]\nPledges: Wooohoo! Yeah!\nPC Principal: Now it's time for the final test. So what you're gonna have to do, to prove you belong with PC, is go out there, and check someone's privilege.\nPledge 1: Finally!\nPledge 2: Yes!\nRandy: I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.\nPC Principal: Topher, can you explain \"check your privilege\" please.\nTopher: [PC Bro 1] Uh, it's getting someone to acknowledge their own inherent privileges and reminding them to put them aside in order to better understand another human's plight.\nPC Principal: Yeah, see, there's some people out there like Brett fucking Favre who think that when we all stand up and applaud Caitlyn Jenner at the ESPY Awards, he can get away with one of these bullshit claps! [performs a limp clap] It's called \"clapping\" Favre! What the fuck are you doing?! Washing your hands?! You're either on board, or you're NOT, bro! Now, if he's gonna bring shame on someone, then he can have his privilege checked and have a little shame brought down on him!\nRandy: You want me to shame Brett Favre?\nPC Principal: [stops to stare at Randy] No. 'Cause there's somebody even worse now.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's asleep, and we quickly find out who could be worse then Brett Favre. On the inner side of the bed is Randy, and on the window side are the two pledges who were with him for the final cut. One 3 the three men shake Kyle's bed and blow into noisemakers.\nKyle: AAAAHH! What the fuck, dude?! What the fuck?! [A few seconds later the men rush out of the room as he watches them leave. Then he looks down and sees pigs all over the floor. Each one has the word \"Biggit\" painted on.]\nScene Description: Cartman's hospital room. He begins to dream of a football game. He's dressed as Tom Brady, with his back to the camera. His voice echoes throughout the dream\nCartman Brady: [turns around] I may be down, but I'm not out. Tom Brady's never out!\nCommissioner Cartman: You broke the rules!\nCartman Brady: Fuck you, \"I broke the rules\"! YOU're breaking the rules!\nCommissioner Cartman: Fuck you, you broke the rules!\nCartman Brady: You broke the rules, how you found out I broke the rules!\nCoach Cartman: Yeah, you broke the rules!\nCommissioner Cartman: I'm the commissioner! I can break the rules 'cause you guys broke the rules before! I didn't bust you enough!\nCoach, Brady: Just because you didn't bust us enough for breakin' the rules, that doesn't mean you can break the rules bustin' us now!\nCommissioner Cartman: Fuck both you guys! I can do whatever I want! I'm breakin' the rules!\nCartman Brady: Fuck you, I'm Tom Brady!\nCommissioner Cartman: Fuck you, I'm the commissioner! I'll make up new rules!\nCoach, Brady: Fuck your rules!\nCommissioner Cartman: Fuck you guys, always fucking rules!\nCartman Brady: Fuck all the rules! [all this wakes Cartman up]\nCartman: Ack! Butters!\nButters: I'm here, Eric.\nCartman: Oh Butters, I've lived such a horrible life! Always doing whatever I want and claiming it to be for integrity. BUTTERS?\nButters: Yes Eric.\nCartman: I'm never going back to the person I was. I swear to God. From now on the world is going to know a new and better Eric Cartman.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. The doorbell rings and Stan rushes to the door to see who it is. When he opens the door, he sees Kyle with a tree stuck on his back and penises drawn all over his face.\nKyle: Will you please tell your dad to leave me alone?\nStan: Dude, what happened?\nKyle: [steps inside, tree and all] Your dad was on my lawn yelling at me all night, and after I finally fell asleep I woke up Saran-wrapped to a tree with penises on my face. And this. [removes his hat to reveal his hair gathered into four crude ponytails, one of them covered in a condom. Stan is stunned, but takes it in]\nStan: Hang on. [walks to the kitchen] Dad, did you draw dicks on my friend's face?\nRandy: [back at the kitchen table, with a hangover, like last time] Did I check his privilege? Yes. I had some refreshments and I checked your friend's privilege.\nStan: That's my best friend, Dad! Stop shaming him because you want to fit in!\nRandy: Stan, straight white males in a capitalistic society have little- understanding of victimization compared to injustices against the underprivileged. Dicks on your face is a very first-world problem. [the liquor comes back into his mouth] Oh shit! [vomits as he heads toward the sink]\nStan: [returns] Look, Kyle, maybe you should just say Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.\nKyle: I didn't even say she wasn't a hero! I just said she isn't a hero to me! I didn't like Bruce Jenner as a person when he was on the Kardashians, and I don't suddenly like him now!\nA passing bro: Weoo-weoo-weoo-weooh!\nStan: Her.\nKyle: HER, yes!\nScene Description: Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is on his feet, stumbling\nCartman: OH. Eh, oh it's no use, Butters. I want to get out there and start making positive changes, but I... can barely even walk. [thinks a moment] How is everybody doing?\nButters: Well they're fine. Everyone's just kind of keepin' their mouths shut. It's kinda nice. [smiles] So the PC guys are leavin' people alone. Well, except for...\nCartman: Who?\nButters: Well, well now they've made Kyle their main target.\nCartman: [soft music plays] ...Kyle? ...My friend Kyle? [begins removing his hospital clothes slowly and replacing them with his own clothes]\nButters: Eric, what are you doing?\nCartman: I don't have a choice. I have to take these PC people out.\nButters: Oh, but I thought you agreed with them.\nCartman: I do, but I have to help Kyle, even if I don't agree with his hateful, bigoted thoughts. Kyle's view may be warped. I personally think Caitlyn Jenner's a stunning hero, [clears his throat] but that doesn't mean I'll stand by while Kyle's intolerance is dealt with violently. We're going to war with these PC people once and for all! Butters, I'm going to need 200 pregnant Mexican women and some taco launchers.\nButters: Well ohhh-kay!\nScene Description: Rho Omega Delta house, night. The PC bros have gathered around a door entrance, and begin chanting...\nPC bros: Social Justice 1 2 3 Woowoo! I wanna be PC Woowoo! It's just the way to be for me! And you! Woowoo! Your hateful slurs are through! Woowoo!\nPC bro 9: I call woowoo on you!\nPC bros: Woowoo! We'll fight until you're PC black and blue!\nRandy: Woowoo!\nPC bros: Woowoo!We are language police fighting bigotry! Hurtful words can suck our turds, 'cause it's PC for me!\nPC bro 5: And you!\nPC bros: Woowoo! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah!\nPC bro 5: Fuck yeah, bro! PC bro! [Cartman is now on the scene, walking with a crutch and a walkie-talkie.]\nCartman: All right, send in the pregnant Mexican women! [Butters, with a semaphore flag in each hand, gives the signal for the women to rush the house]\nPregnant Mexican Women: Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!\nPC bro 5: Fuck, bro?! [Cartman stops by the taco launchers, which are manned by Clyde, Craig, and Tweek]\nCartman: Fire the taco launchers! [the boys load the launchers and let fly. Tacos rain down upon the frat house. The women arrive and run into the house, picking up tacos on the way] Syrian refugee children, flank from the left! [a truck load of Syrian refugee children is waiting for the truck bed to empty out. Butters releases the cargo door and the kids flood out towards the house]\nPC bro 2: Dude, what is this, bro?!\nPC bro 6: I don't know, bro!\nCartman: [looking through some binoculars] The Syrian refugee children are in; send in Jared! [Jared appears with his arms stretched out, ready to grab anything. He follows the women and the kids into the frat house, but doesn't grab anyone. The rest of the neighborhood gathers and marches towards the house]\nStephen: What in the world is going on??\nCartman: All right, good. The pregnant Mexican women are falling asleep on the tacos. [sees Jared on the balcony trying to grab some kids, and some bros stop Jared] Jared needs backup, send in the Chinese drivers. [a split second later two cars crash into each other in front of the house.]\nA PC Bro: [falls from the balcony to his death] Ohhh! [lands on his head]\nCartman: All right, the Syrian refugees are trying to protect their children! Gimme a- Oh fuck, there's Kyle. [lowers his binoculars] What the fuck are you doing, Kyle?\nKyle: Enough! Stop! Everyone STOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP! [The camera shows his head bigger than usual and the air brighter then usual. His voice echoes across town and everyone stops in their tracks. A pregnant woman picks up a taco and runs off with it.] This is so wrong! I can't let it continue! This is not ever what I intended! I just want to say... Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. There's no other way to say it. What she did took bravery, and she is absolutely stunning. [Moments later, PC Principal steps forward and begins clapping. Once the clapping reaches normal speed, others begin to join in. A live-action shot of Brett Farve at the ESPYs \"limp-clapping\" is even thrown in]\nTownsman: Wooo.\nScene Description: South Park, the dawn of a new day. Everyone gathers in the school cafeteria, which has a sign at the entrance: WELCOME TO 2015 SOUTH PARK. Inside, people are having conversations, kids are running around, Randy's butt is getting branded...\nRandy: Ow, hot. Hot hot, hothohhht. [PC Bro 4 takes the branding iron off, and Randy is officially a PC Bro. He stands up and gets dressed.] Ahhh.\nPC Principal: I gotta hand it to you, Marsh. You really checked that little boy's privilege. Using those Syrian refugees was genius, bro.\nPC bro 4: Yeah. I would have never thought to use offensive imagery and outrageous stereotypes to provoke someone to open their eyes.\nRandy: So I'm PC now?\nPC Principal: You're not only PC, you've actually changed my PC. [whips out some sunglasses] Congrats. Here's your Oakleys.\nRandy: Oh wow. Oakleys! [puts them on and his voice changes] Oh yeah bro, these are sweet. [The big five stand nearby observing the small ceremony]\nStan: So I guess PC Principal is here to stay, huh?\nCartman: Yes. But at least we showed him that sometimes joking about un-PC things can actually be important, because it starts a dialogue. [Kyle lowers his eyelids and the others back away] What's wrong, Kyle? You have your cake. Eat it, too.\nKyle: It just seems to me like we all lost in this, and that the only person who won was you.\nCartman: Hmmm... And who does that remind you of, Kyle? Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife. Who, kind of looks like, a dude. [Cartman hums his own version of the end theme song over the credits.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The White House, day. President Obama delivers a speech in the East Room to the press\nPresident Obama: Now, last week we were all reminded that intolerance still exists in our country. It took a very special young student to light up social media, and we've invited him to the White House today to show our appreciation. Because never have there been more tolerant, more moving words than Kyle Broflovski's speech about his hero Caitlyn Jenner. [applause. Kyle is shown with his eyes half-closed - an indication that he doesn't want to be there.] Come on up here, Kyle.\nScene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, during the speech. Mr. Garrison is seated with Richard Adler and Jimbo at a table looking at a TV monitor above the bar.\nMr. Garrison: You see?? There! This is why it's happening! Everyone's preachin' openness and acceptance, and so now millions of goddamned immigrants are comin' over the border and nobody seems to care!\nRichard Adler: Well what are you gonna do? In today's world it's like you can't even say anything negative about illegal immigrants.\nRandy: [Approaching and gesturing like a siren] Weoo weoo weoo weoo weoo! Did somebody over here say \"illegal immigrants\"? Because the correct term is \"undocumented immigrants,\" alright bro? [leaves]\nMr. Garrison: [hushed] It's like nobody cares! And they just keep comin'. Crossin' the border with their dirty families, playin' their stupid music! [looks to his left] I mean, look at 'em! I'll bet not ONE of them is here legally! [a group of Canadians is playing pool.]\nCanadian 1: Alright guy!\nCanadian 2: Hey buddih!\nCanadian 3: Hey buddih!\nCanadian 4: [the shooter] Hey, what's going on fwiend!\nCanadian 5: [Wearing a Canada sweater] Hey, buddih! Another Moosehead, eh?\nMr. Garrison: We should have put up a goddamned wall. [Jimbo and Richard now look at the Canadians as well]\nPresident Obama: But wait, there's still more, [the three man now look at the TV] because this country was built on dreamers, and Kyle, we want to make your dreams come true. And so here is your hero, Caitlyn Jenner. [applause as Caitlyn joins Barack and Kyle at the podium. Kyle is taken aback]\nCaitlyn Jenner: [with a lisp] I just wanna say thank you Kyle for your beautiful words of support.\nPresident Obama: Now Kyle, we've got another little surprise for you. We told you we were flying you back home, but the truth is, you're getting a ride back all the way with your hero! How do you like that?! [Ooohs and applause follow.]\nScene Description: Caitlyn Jenner's car, outside, moments later. She's ready to take Kyle home, while Kyle looks bewildered.\nCaitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately an elderly person crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The press applauds.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students.\nMr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to, cross the border and screw up our country! [before him is a crowded room, with more desks and lots of new Canadian students.] I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters! [the Canadian students begin to clamor. Garrison puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, in the orange shirt.\nCanadian kid 1: [orange shirt] The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, as they reached the new millennium, friend, and rather-\nMr. Garrison: [irritated] Oh, speak in English! You see, [turns around and begins writing on the board] what happened is that these immigrants called Goths [writes the word and circles and underlines it] were welcomed into Roman territories [writes the word Roman on the board] because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play a familiar tune, and Mr. Garrison turns around] What the hell are you doing?! [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]\nCanadian kid 2: [in a suit] It's 8am, guy.\nMr. Garrison: [loses his temper,throws his notes and chalk] Well that's it! Why don't you Canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]\nScene Description: The Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal is behind his desk with Mr. Mackey at his right side. PC Principal is barely containing his temper. Mr. Garrison is looking at him defiantly with arms crossed\nPC Principal: You really think you can refer to an undocumented immigrant as a \"Canuck\"?!\nMr. Garrsion: PC Principal, they got up in the middle of my lecture and started playing music!\nPC Principal: So did you forget that at eight and eleven all Canadians face east and play Chuck Mangione? [stands up and puts his hands on the desk] Or did you not care to find out about their religious customs?\nMr. Garrsion: Thuh, they don't even speak English!\nPC Principal: Then you need to be teaching in both languages from now on! Mackey, sign the faculty up for Canadian-language night classes!\nMr. Garrsion: What?!\nMr. Mackey: [bowing profusely] Yes, PC Principal! R-right away! M'kay?\nPC Principal: You're on thin ice, Garrison! Get in line or you'll be out of a job, bro!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Token bring lunches from home while Stan, Kyle, Clyde and Craig get school lunches\nStan: What are they doing now? [several tables have Canadian kids seated and eating. Butters stands up for a better look]\nButters: Well they're all eatin' together and praying. A-and they're puttin' syrup on their Mac & Cheese! [sits back down]\nClyde: Ugh, so weird!\nToken: There's just so many of them.\nCartman: You guys, I think this whole thing is a conspiracy.\nToken: Whattaya mean?\nCartman: Think about what happened: American has pretty secure border for years. Kyle gives a big speech about tolerance and acceptance that goes viral. A bunch of Canadians cross the border illegally. Kyle's brother is Canadian. What if Kyle knowingly gave that speech to get all the illegals in?\nKyle: [annoyed] I'm sitting right here.\nCartman: And he's sitting right here.\nKyle: You really think just my speech brought on a wave of illegal immigration?!\nStan: You did kind of go overboard, dude.\nKyle: [looks at Stan, betrayed] What?!\nStan: It's just... I know you like giving speeches and stuff, but not everything is black and white.\nClyde: Yeah, I mean, it's fine you wanna go preach about Caitlyn Jenner, but you can't just make blanket statements about letting anyone do whatever they want.\nKyle: I didn't even want to give that speech!\nCartman: [interrupting] Yeah, yeah, this is interesting. Have you guys read Genesis Thirty-four?\nButters: Uhn-un.\nCartman: Well, it's intriguing, because in Genesis Thirty-four, the Jews actually did something similar to what Kyle is doing now.\nKyle: Uh I'm not responsible for this! Illegal immigration has been happening forever.\nCartman: But it's happening a lot more now. After you decide to give a big speech about Caitlyn Jenner. Because you want to bring down the cultural fabric of America. 'Cause you're a Jew.\nKyle: You guys, immigrants, either legal or illegal, are always gonna find ways to cross into richer countries if they're not living-\nStan: [briefly puts his left hand over his nose] Oh boy, here we go again. [the other boys leave as well]\nCartman: Yeah, I'm out.\nButters: Yeah, sorry. I can't listen to another one either. [Kyle is left alone, bewildered]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, a different classroom, evening. There are watermarks everywhere, so this room hasn't been used for a while\nMr. Stkrdknmibalz: Happy evening, friends. My name is Mr. Stkrdknmibalz, (stick-yer-dick-in-my-balls) and we are going to learn Canadian. [Garrison shifts in his seat] With a lot of practice, you're going to find that speaking Canadian isn't so difficult. And in fact, our alphabet and yours are fairly similar. So why don't we begin singing it together? [Clears his throat] A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh! And [farts] These are Canadian ABCs Susie likes hairy balls. Whattaya think of these? Alright, now everyone!\nClass: [begins singing] A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh And [Mr. Garrison begins to daydream]\nScene Description: Montage: Mr. Garrison on a bridge overlooking a river. he sees several Canadians enjoying themselves in inner tubes in the river. He sighs and walks away. Next, he's in line to get into the DMV during the day, but the line is full of Canadians. Next, new STOP signs go up that now have BUDDY under the STOP. Mr. Garrison is at the intersection waiting for the green light. A truck pulls up with a bunch of kids in the truck bed, no seat belts. Next, he's at the old town bar singing on a corner stage and playing a guitar. The regulars hold up their fists in solidarity. Next, he passes by a food cart. The cook there is selling beaver tails for five dollars. Then he passes by a newly-sold house with a Canadian couple cheering their purchase. Then he's back at the bar, with more listeners holding up lighters in solidarity. Next, he looks out his window and finds a bunch of supporters on his lawn pleading for him to lead them. Next, he walks by some Canadian kids playing street hockey, then he passes by the school\nMr. Garrison: Where has my country gone? Where has my country gone? It was a land of opportunity that we held dear But now all these other assholes are comin' here. And where's my country gone? It was just here like, two seconds ago. 'Cause when they said that this was the land of the free I'm pretty sure that they were referring to me And my country's gone! It got upset and now it's wandered away It took 43 Presidents to make us stand tall And just one black guy to unravel it all Country gone! Please tell it that we need her back home. There's a great big hole in the liberty bucket 'Cause someone forgot to tell the foreigners to suck it! And now they're all hanging out on my lawn... [trumpets come up and play \"Feels So Good\"] And now they're ruining my song Makin' it sound like Chuck Mangione [trumpets fade out] Where has my country gone?\nScene Description: Montage ends, and the camera settles on Mr. Garrison leading a rally at the town square, with his supporters around him.\nMr. Garrison: Seems like everyone's afraid to speak the truth around here! Well I'm throwin' my hat in and sayin' I'll figure this thing out! Now I might not understand politics, or immigration policies, or... the law. Or basic... ideological... concepts. But dammit I understand there there's a bunch of Canadians here and I'm gonna do somethin' about it! [applause and cheers]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal has called the student body in and put the Canadians on the basketball court and the Americans on the bleachers. The Canadian kids are standing in two lines. The front line wear different costumes that represent different time periods and icons in Canadian history, including the First Settlers of Canada, foreign explorers, a Mountie and a Canadian soldier. The second line consists of a band and choir.\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and [spots a disturbance in the stands] HEY LESLIE! SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! [Leslie stops whispering into her friend's ear and looks at PC Principal] - to introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history.\nThree students dressed in Native American garb: We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil-\nKindergartner: Guy.\nFive students dressed in European clothing: We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]\nMr. Garrison: Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [the gym is silent] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!\nPC Principal: Garrison, what do you think you're-?\nMr. Garrison: And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!\nPC Principal: That's it Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!\nMr. Garrison: Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's fuck 'em all to death! [the students gasp] I'm just sayin' what everyone's thinkin' here kids!, Sorry not sorry![The school hallway, moments later. The Canadian kids walk out of school in anger]\nStan: Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.\nToken: Can you really blame them?\nButters: What made Mr. Garrison do that?\nCartman: Guys, what if this was all exactly what Kyle planned? Get the Canadians here, make them feel persecuted, and then what? Uprisings? Rebellion? Next thing you know, they're sending us to camps and using us as livestock!\nButters: You really think Kyle would do that?\nStan: That doesn't matter. We have to think of a way to smooth this over, fast.\nCartman: Yeah, we're gonna need a symbolic union.\nToken: A what?\nCartman: You know, what's that story about the two sides that were fighting and, then a guy from one side got with a girl from the other side and their love sort of brought the groups together?\nButters: Lion King II?\nCartman: [snaps his fingers and points to Butters] Yes, Lion King II. I mean, if we can get one of us to go out with one of them - probably, have sex - then it could be a symbol of us all getting along.\nCraig: Yeah, it's kind of like when the princess of one country marries the prince of another.\nKyle: Oh, come on, this is stupid. You guys, when two groups of people don't understand each other you can't just try and diffuse the tension with a little-\nCartman: Is he seriously? Is he seriously giving a speech right now? [all quiet] Is he SERIOUSLY giving a speech right now?! [the other boys look back at Kyle angrily, and Kyle is left speechless] This is gonna have to happen pretty fast, so whoever's gonna do it needs to ask a Canadian girl out soon. 1 2 3 Not it.\nStan, Craig, Kenny, Clyde, Token: [one after the other] Not it!\nButters: No, no. Not it! Oh. OH SHIT!\nScene Description: CNN report.\nAnchor Tom: Support is growing for a Colorado man who claims the way to deal with illegal immigrants is to fuck them all to death. We go live to Minnesota.\nScene Description: Niagara Falls, Minnesota, day. Mr. Garrison goes around greeting supporters and waving to them or the camera\nField reporter: Tom, the political activist is going around the country to get support for his agenda, and- Uh Mr. Garrison, you believe the immigration problem is easy to solve?\nMr. Garrison: Yes. Fuck them all to death. Let'a make this country great again. [cheers swell from his supporters]\nField reporter: And when you say \"Fuck them all to death,\" what are you actually suggesting be done?\nMr. Garrison: I'm suggesting we round them all up, pull down their pants, and fuck them until their spirits leave their bodies!\nSupporter 1: [wearing a Snap Right Tools cap] USA!\nMr. Garrison: And then, after we've fucked every last one of 'em to death, we build a big wall! And if anyone comes over the wall, we fuck them to death too! And then we fuck to death all the-\nTom: Uh Dan? Dan? We're getting word that a wall has already been built. [to the control booth] Is that right? Yes? Yeah- CNN is confirming that Canada has built a wall to keep us out.\nMr. Garrison: What do you mean they built a wall?! They can't build a fucking wall! Oh, fuck them to death!\nScene Description: [Moments later, Garrison and his supporters rush to the border in their cars, where they are met with a very tall wall. A lone guard sits atop the 40-foot wall, and the Americans get out of their cars]\nGuard: Hey there! Beautiful day, isn't it?\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is this?!\nGuard: Oh this? This is a wall. Sorry buddih, nobody allowed in.\nJimbo: Can they do that?\nMr. Garrison: Look, we came to speak with your government about that\nGuard: Yeah, no, sorry! Everything past here is ours. You can't, you can't go past, past here.\nMr. Garrison: We're Americans! We don't even want to be over there! What do you think we're gonna do?\nGuard: Well, you know, we just don't want you ... raping our women and stuff.\nSupporter 2: That is ridiculous! [crosses his arms]\nMr. Garrison: All right, smartass! That's just about enough-\nGuard: Look, there's just some really cool shit back here and we don't feel like sharing it.\nMr. Garrison: [suddenly curious] Cool shit like what?\nGuard: Don't worry aboot it.\nMr. Garrison: No! What's back there? Let me see!\nJimbo: [pulling him back] It's all right, Garrison.\nMr. Garrison: No! Goddammit, let me see!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The Americans and Canadians have separated into their own cliques. Cartman and Butters stand between the groups checking out the Canadian girls. Butters is still pissed that he lost\nCartman: What about that one? In the glasses? She's kinda hot.\nButters: She's not hot! She looks like a messed-up cucumber with wieners on it!\nCartman: All right, how about the lanky one, there? Ooo, ooo, What about the one in the hat? She kind of looks like Alanis Morissette, huh?\nButters: Alanis Morissette is like 80 years old or something! [stomps his right foot down on the snow] Jeez!\nCartman: Okay, Bu-Butters, relax.\nButters: Well I don't want a Canadian girlfriend, Eric!\nCartman: Okay. Do you just want a race war?\nButters: No! The one in the white shoes isn't that ugly.\nCartman: Okay, go fuck the one in the white shoes.\nButters: Okay! [walks over to the bench with the girl in white shoes next to it] Hi, my name's Butters, what's yours.\nCharlotte: I'm Charlotte. [her friends giggle]\nButters: Oh Charlotte, I've never done this before. You think Scar's up there? He wasn't my father, but he's still part of me. Oh no, Simba, we have barely begun. We'll run away together and ... and...?\nCartman: [satisfied with the way Butters interaction is playing out. To himself] And start a pride all of our own.\nScene Description: CNN Report, at the Canadian border. Dan, the field reporter, is updating\nDan: Tom, the scene at the Canadian border is electric as several political leaders try and strategize how to deal with being shut out of Canada. [in the background three podiums appear on the road right in front of the wall. Garrison and two other leaders step up to the mics.]\nMale politician: If the Canadian government wants to put up a wall, they have every right.\nFemale politician: And yet, we must ask why they thought this to be necessary.\nMr. Garrison: No, fuck them and fuck you! [points at the female politician] I wanna see if they have really cool shit back there!\nFemale politician: What we need is a-\nMr. Garrison: No! [points at the female politician] You've got a gaping gash [points at the male politician] and you've got vinegary balls! The Canadians can't do this! Don't they realize that hundreds of thousands of their people are over here illegally?\nGuard: Oh, you guys didn't put up a wall?\nMr. Garrison: And you keep your goddamned mouth shut, smart-ass! I'll deal with you! [cheers and applause from his supporters. He turns to face them.] I get things done, and I'm gettin' back there! [more cheers and applause]\nScene Description: An outdoor mall in South Park. Butters returns with some ice cream for himself and Charlotte.\nButters: Here you go.\nCharlotte: Thanks, Butters. I'm sore-y I didn't know what ice cream was.\nButters: What's \"sore-y\"?\nCharlotte: Well that's what Canadians say to express remorse.\nButters: Oh. Heh, he-hey, heh that's neato. [his cell phone rings] Oh. Eh, hang on Charlotte, one sec. [walks off a bit and picks up] What do you want?!\nCartman: Have you given her the old Hot Cosby yet?\nButters: No, we saw a movie and now we're goin' to the park.\nCartman: Butters, we don't have time for that! I told you you have to cut to the chase with a Hot Cosby!\nButters: If I'm gonna be with this girl, I don't want her someday thinking it was all super-rushed!\nCartman: Nobody cares about forty years from now when she suddenly changes her mind, Butters! Time is of the essence! We're all gonna die! [hangs up. Butters returns to Charlotte]\nCharlotte: Everything all right?\nButters: Yeah, just some work-related stuff.\nCharlotte: So hey, I wanted to see if you wanted to come over to my house for dinner tomorrow.\nButters: [getting nervous] Oh boy, yes I'd love to, here we go, oh God.\nScene Description: Niagara Falls National Park. The camera looks at the falls and then pans to the left to show Mr. Garrison being lowered into a barrel by Jimbo and Ned.\nMr. Garrison: Okay that's, that's good. Watch the balls. Okay, all right, give me the helmet. [Jimbo reaches down and hands the helmet to Mr. Garrison] We'll see what they've got behind that goddamned wall! [turns around to face his supporters] You know what I am, friends? I'm a doer.\nSupporters: Yeah. Yeah, that's right.\nMr. Garrison: Canada says we can't go into their country, I'm going into their country! And when I do, I am fucking every last Canadian... so hard! [cheers and applause] All right, let's do this! [drops down into the barrel. Jimbo and Ned seal it up. Several supporters lift the barrel up over their shoulders and carry it to the railing]\nSupporters: USA USA USA USA USA! [they throw it into the river and watch it approach the falls] USA USA USA! [the barrel goes over the falls and breaks up a few seconds later. Jimbo screams] USA US-!\nJimbo: Aww, he's dead.\nScene Description: Charlotte's house, evening. Butters is her guest for dinner. She has a grandmother living with her, as well as a brother and sister\nDad: So young man, I understand that you and my daughter have started a romance.\nButters: Well uh, well yes, sir.\nDad: And I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh? Is that it? You've got maple fever?\nCharlotte: Ey, daddy!\nDad: I'm sore-y, Charlotte, but I get suspicious. It's bad enough we have to live in America, now all the boys with maple fever are gonna wanna have at our daughter.\nMom: That's enough, Thomas!\nButters: W-wait, you don't wanna be here?\nCharlotte: Why would we want to be here?\nButters: Wuh well, you know, 'cause everything is great here, and we have cool stuff.\nThomas: Canada has everything. It's the greatest country on Earth.\nButters: But- so- then, why did you leave?\nThomas: [sighs and gets up from the his chair, and walks over to a window] There were several candidates during the Canadian elections. One of them was this brash asshole who just spoke his mind. He didn't really offer any solutions, he just said outrageous things. we... thought it was funny. [the mom begins to cry quietly, and her son comforts her] Nobody really thought he'd ever be President. It was a joke! But we just let the joke go on for too long. He kept gaining momentum, and by the time we were all ready to say \"Okay, let's get serious now. Who should really be President?\" he was already being sworn into office. [turns around] We weren't paying attention. [collapses and begins to cry, bumping into the table against the window] We weren't paying attention! [lets out all his tears and the family gathers around him to comfort him.]\nButters: Jeez, how bad can a president be?\nScene Description: Back in Canada, the new President, a middle-age man resembling a likeness to Donald Trump, sits at his desk.\nMr. President: If certain people want to leave this country, then let them! You tell those pussy homos they can suck my balls!\nJohnson: But Mr. President-\nMr. President: And tell the Prime Minister of China that HE can suck my balls! Oh, and Johnson?\nJohnson: Mr. President?\nMr. President: Suck my balls.\nScene Description: Charlotte's backyard, after dinner. The yard is more like a garden, with flowers everywhere, swaying gently in the breeze. She and Butters are on a bench swing holding hands\nCharlotte: I'm sore-y about my papa. He can be really emotional sometimes.\nButters: You don't got to be sore-y. It's me who should be sore-y. I think everyone has the wrong idea about your people, Charlotte.\nCharlotte: It's okay. We just have to give them time.\nButters: I wasn't supposed to have time. I was supposed to give you a Hot Cosby, so our species could coexist. But now I realize you guys don't even wanna be here.\nCharlotte: Oh.. so do you want to be here? Now?\nButters: There's really nowhere I'd rather be. [smiles] If it's okay with you, well I'd like to try a nice Slow Cosby instead.\nCharlotte: In Canada, we call a Slow Cosby ... love. [kisses Butters on the cheek. Butters strokes it and smiles again] Oh look! [a meteorite zooms across the sky] A shooting star! In Canada, we say that's... good luck.\nButters: So do we.\nScene Description: A concrete channel with a slow-moving river running through it on the Canadian side of the border. Mr. Garrison comes to, groans, and slowly gets up. He leaves the channel and finds himself looking at an abandoned Canadian city.\nMr. Garrison: Hello? [his voice echoes through the canyon of high-rises in the city. He walks by an empty coffee shop with a loose door banging in the wind. He hears a man sobbing, but sees abandoned cars, paper strewn everywhere, trash... he finds the man sitting on the roof of a 13-story law office building]\nMan: Oh God! Oh God!\nMr. Garrison: Hey! Where is everyone, guy? [the man sobs some more and then stands and jumps to his death.] Jeez.\nScene Description: Montage. As \"Safety Dance\" plays, Mr. Garrison walks through an empty mall and notices an escher-esque assortment of escalators there. Mr. President is dancing away. Mr. Garrison sees the activity and walks over, not sure what to make of it all. Mr. President notices him and stops\nMr. President: What?! Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!\nMr. Garrison: I came here to find out where my country gone!\nMr. President: Where your country gone? Where my country gone?!\nMr. Garrison: No, where my country gone, bitch?!\nMr. President: Nobody talks to me like that, buddih! [goes around his desk]\nMr. Garrison: Nobody talks to me like that, fwiend! [they begin to fight on the carpet. Mr. Garrison takes the President down and wrestles with him until the President is face down] Eurgh! Yeah?\nMr. President: Stupid-! Unh!\nMr. Garrison: Little asshole!\nMr. President: This is why I built that wall!\nMr. Garrison: You think you can-? [grabs the back of the President's head and slams it down] Hey! Here you go! Here you go! [keeps beating the President down] Look, guy, I came here to do one thing! [takes off his own swim suit and begins raping the President]\nMr. President: Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddih! Aah!\nAide: Oh my God, guy.\nMr. President: Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! [Garrison inhales some poppers, then resumes the raping with increased vigor] Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!\nScene Description: Charlotte's house, the dining table. Butters and Charlotte share a tall milk shake. Thomas and his wife look on from the doorway, holding hands\nMom: Oh look at them, Thomas. I think they really like each other.\nThomas: Yes, I have to admit. It seems they're falling in Slow Cosby. [someone knocks on the front door] I'll get it. [goes to the front door and opens it]\nCanadian 6: Hey, did you hear the news, buddih? The Canadian Presidents been fucked to death!\nCanadian 7: [across the street] Yes! Yes!\nThomas: What? Are you sure?\nMom: What is it, Thomas?\nThomas: The Canadian President got fucked to death, darling.\nMom: Oh my goodness! Should we go back to Canada then?\nThomas: Yes, I guess let's go back! [and so the Canadians start packing up and moving out. The Marshes stand outside their house looking at the exodus]\nCanadians: See ya! Bye! It's been real, guy! See ya, guy! [once they're all gone, Butters appears on the road chasing after Charlotte]\nButters: Charlotte!\nCharlotte: I'll Skype you when I'm home, my love! [soon she's too far away]\nButters: Ah, I should have done the Hot Cosby.\nScene Description: South Park town square. Mr. Garrison is back on stage, his supporters cheering and applauding him again\nSupporter 3: [voice only] You did it, Garrison!\nSupporter 4: [voice only] Thank you, Garrison!\nMr. Garrison: Friends. I think I've proven that my policies work to get things done. I know what my true calling is, and I'm gonna keep this goin' all the way to Washington.\nKyle: [gets up on stage to clear his name] Hold on, wait! It wasn't me! I wasn't the one who brought the Canadians here! It was something just like this. Don't you see? If there's anything we've learned, it's that we have to stop this kind of sensationalist politics before the same thing happens to us, because if we let this kind of... [stops himself] this... kind of... [the crowd looks at him, annoyed]\nCartman: Dude!\nStan: Unbelievable! [Kyle turns left and walks off stage]\nMr. Garrison: All right, my friends. I have to say goodbye now, because I'm off to Washington with my running mate! [the camera shows whom the running mate is as Garrison gets into the passenger seat]\nCaitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately a young woman crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The crowd cheers and applauds.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Fallon is going into his monologue\nJimmy Fallon: Okay okay okay. So this guy is running for President and he hates immigrants, and he's basically an idiot. [the audience laughs throughout] Not surprisingly, this guy is from a predominantly white town called South Park, Colorado. Or Shit-heads of America, Incorporated, I'm not sure. Yeah, if this guy is the best their town has to offer, can you imagine who he left behind? [affecting a hick accent] \"Oh hey, I'm from South Park! We don't take kindly to respecting human beings!\" [a shot of Randy and Sharon watching from the sofa with their jaws dropped] You, you think South Park has a university? \"Welcome to South Park University.\" [a shot of Gerald and Sheila in bed, watching with jaws dropped] \"Please open your shotguns and slap your wives!\" [a shot of Butters watching the show on the phone, in bed. He's crying quietly] \"I live in South Park and my IQ's so low I've got's ta dig for it. Hey, did someone say 'rape?' That's the word for 'clever' here in South Park\" [the camera is back on Randy and Sharon]\nRandy: [turns off the TV] That's not funny. [gets up and walks away.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are walking around in the hallway. Stan goes to his locker as Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stand in front of the lockers on the other side of the hallway, their heads hanging in shame. Butters joins them, also ashamed, and Stan closes his locker to join them all.\nStan: So not cool. How does someone just rip on us like that?\nKyle: I can't believe Jimmy Fallon hates us. Jimmy Fallon loves everything. Why would he slam our whole town?\nCartman: Because apparently he doesn't care that his jokes are at the expense of actual people.\nButters: Well do you think it's true? Do you think we're really bigoted country bumpkins?\nCartman: No. [steps forward] Hey, we are not bumpkins! Okay?! Kenny's a bumpkin!\nKenny: (Well fuck you, dude!)\nCartman: We don't have junk cars in our yards, that's just your family, Kenny! [Kyle is about to defend Kenny, but Stan speaks up]\nStan: I just hope somebody finds a way to fix this.\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day, the Mayor's office.\nMayor McDaniels: I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison we are now being referred to as the shit-heads of America. One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out.\nRandy: [takes the dais as the Mayor steps aside] Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods. [a lot of chatter springs up in the audience.] It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.\nStephen: We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here.\nRandy: And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we could get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!\nFr. Maxi: Where could it even go?!\nRandy: Mayor?\nMayor McDaniels: I'm announcing a plan for SoDoSoPa. [presses a remote control and a picture of the logo comes up.] A new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafes.\nRandy: Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of Downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore.\nScene Description: The SodoSoPa site, later. An architect is there with a select group of people, including the Mayor, Johnson, Wendy's mom, Randy, Linda, and three others\nArchitect: We'll keep the existing structures, but add brick walkways and some quaint white lights. A plaza in the middle will be a place where young couples can play with their toddlers. [a shot of the site, which is Kenny's house, which has warped windows and broken stucco all around. Kenny hears the conversation and peeks out the front window] And it will all be small businesses like artisan cheese shops or noodle houses.\nRandy: Oh, this is really exciting. I thought this area was just gonna stay shitty forever. [Kenny walks to the kitchen, where he sees Stuart drinking a beer and reading a magazine.]\nKenny: (Hey Dad, there's these fucking people outside.)\nStuart: Who is? [gets up and walks to the front door, opens it and sees the group]\nMayor McDaniels: So you think you'll keep all the existing structures?\nArchitect: I do. It's part of what gives a revitalized area like this its charm that the hipsters like.\nStuart: Hey, what are you people doing?!\nRandy: We're gentrifying. It's all good.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Another meeting about this project.\nRandy: Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the SoDoSoPa project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [Only the McCormicks are present]\nStuart: [stands up] Yeah I got concerns! I don't want you touching my damn house!\nJohnson: We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area.\nStuart: What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine!\nRandy: Stuart, come on. Your house sucks.\nStuart: Fuck you! If you people wanna turn somethin' into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house!\nRandy: My house is nice.\nAide: Mr. McCormick, you will be living in the most vibrant part of the entire town. SoDoSoPa is the future of South Park.\nJohnson: There will be amazing food and incredible shops right at your doorstep.\nMayor McDaniels: And we want to assure the lower-income families that we are going to take the time to do this right.\nScene Description: The SodoSoPa project is now complete, and a new eatery is shown. The Broflovskis and the Stotches are having dinner together\nWaiter: Alright guys, welcome to Steed. Do we have any allergies?\nStephen: No, nothing. And we we wanna try everything! [Det. Harris and Officer Barbrady are dining at another table]\nDet. Harris: Wow, can you believe this place?\nOfficer Barbrady: Yeah, the food is unbelievable. [Randy and Nelson are at the bar]\nRandy: It's like a dream come true, Nelson. This area is gonna put our town on the map. [the camera pulls back and Steed is shown on the second floor of a mall that has been built on the McCormick house. A narrow entrance between the house and the garage leads to a patio where the backyard used to be, and there are more shops beyond that. Stuart steps outside and dumps his garbage in an aluminum trash can]\nScene Description: City Wok, night. It's empty, and Tuong Lu Kim reflects on the changes in his business. He's smoking and holds a cup in his left hand while ambient Oriental music plays\nTuong Lu Kim: I don't know what happen all my customers. I used to have a-people come in here, fill every table. Now it's like a-nobody want anything to do with my authentic shitty food. This town is changing so fast, you know? [a lone man sits by the window eating dinner. There are no other customers] This town is changing so fast, everybody wan be PC, be updated. It's like I'm a reric. A rost reric from another time. You know? I dunno, sometime I feel like I outstayed my welcome. Is just how I feel, you know?\nDiner: Uh huh.\nTuong Lu Kim: It's like a-my accent make people uncomftable or something. How a Chinese man is supposed to survive in this world? [the door opens] Oh, welcome oh Shitty Wok, a take ur order prease?\nMan: [turns left and walks up to the diner] Hey Mike, whatcha doin' man? The guys are all meetin' down at SoDoSoPa.\nMike: At what?\nMan: They've totally revitalized this area south of Downtown, you've gotta check it out! [turns and walks out]\nMike: Oh sweet, dude. [gets up and follows his friend out the door]\nTuong Lu Kim: SoDoSoPa? What the hell is a SoDoSoPa?\nScene Description: SodoSoPa, moments later. Tuong Lu Kim arrives to see the place for himself\nTuong Lu Kim: What the fuuuck!\nScene Description: SodoSoPa, Kenny's house. All the family is in the living room, bored as the music thumps away around them\nKaren: Mommy, can we go eat outside?\nCarol: No, we can't go eat outside.\nKaren: But Mommy, they have ice cream. [points outside]\nStuart: We can't afford $10 ice cream, alright?! If you want nice things, then go out and get a JOB! Except you won't make MONEY! [Karen gets off the sofa with her head down and goes to her room] Because you just BUST your ASS and then barely get by while everyone around you gets RICHER! [Kenny glares at his dad, then gets up and follows Karen] Just face it: things are never gonna change around here.\nScene Description: The Mayor's office, next day. The mayor and a bunch of townsfolk are waiting on Randy, who's at the desk about to place a call\nJohnson: What's he gonna say?\nFr. Maxi: Maybe they won't even answ- [the Mayor shushes them both as Randy waits for a pickup]\nRandy: Hi, um, yes, my name is Randy Marsh, and um, we would like to try and get a Whole Foods in our town? ... Yes, that's right. Aaah, yes, it's ah, South Park, Colorado. Nonononono! Nononononono! [continues this for some time] It's not at all what you think! Yes, it's where the Presidential candidate is from-Nonononono! Nononononono! Hold on! Hold on, hold on! SoDoSoPa! SoDoSoPa! We have a SoDoSoPa and the town is completely different! SoDoSoPa! We have an arts and entertainment district! Cultural! Yes. Okay. Okay, yes, I, I understand. Thank you. [hangs up and gathers his thoughts] They said they maybe might send over a representative. [a moment later everyone cheers. Randy hugs the Mayor.]\nScene Description: First commercial, montage of live-action scenes\nVoice: [Deep] There's a certain quality, vibe, and energy that is SoDoSoPa. From the independent merchants and unique cafes to the rustic charm of a mixed-income crowd. [the camera pans to Kenny and Stuart, who are annoyed. A couple is dancing at Savor the Goodness as Kevin and Karen look on through a window. Their mom comes up and pulls the blinds down, then back to live action] Where else can you let loose your wild side while still being a part of helping the local economy? [a shot of the whole family looking out at the diners. The parents are mad] And now, a chance to own a piece of this most exciting area of South Park. Announcing: the Lofts at SoDoSoPa. Two thousand square foot of flats that will put you right in the heart of it all. After a night out eating and shopping in SoDoSoPa, just take a few steps and you're home. With modern styling these lofts are sleek, sexy, and oh so SoDoSoPa. And for those very privileged few, the most private and exclusive ownership opportunity is here. Announcing the Residences at the Lofts at SoDoSoPa. Now you can have access to luxury refined while still just steps away from the action. These finely appointed residences all feature state-of-the art finishes and balconies with views of historic Kenny's house. It's a place to laugh. It's a place to gather. A place to mingle with people of all economic classes. And now, it's a place to live. SoDoSoPa. Welcome Home.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Kenny walks down a sidewalk and notices a sign asking for help - child help. He takes it from the window and enter City Wok with it\nTuong Lu Kim: And we are going to take a-business back from a-SoDoSoPa! [notices Kenny with the sign] Ah, hello, you here for job? Prease join the others prease. [he already has a crew of seven kids. Kenny joins the crew] Some say I cannot survive in today's world. But if there's one asset that a Chinese man has, it's the tactical use of a child rabor. And together, child rabor force, we are gong to bring a SoDoSoPa to its knees.\nScene Description: Morning in South Park. New signs are being put up to replace aging ones in Downtown, walls are being painted, flowers bought. Tom is cleaning the windows at his rhinoplasty office, and the town gathers in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Bleachers are in place, and the kids take up seats in them\nMayor McDaniels: This is it, people! This is what we've all been working for! The future of our town depends on us being on our best behavior! No swearing, no weirdness, and no speeches! [everyone looks at Kyle, who motions as if to say something]\nJohnson: He's coming!\nMayor McDaniels: Go! go! Everyone in place! [all the adults gather by Tom's Rhinoplasty]\nTownsman: Oh look! [a female conductor leads the kids in a rendition of \"He's Got The Whole World In His Hands\" A car pulls up and a Whole Foods Market representative steps out. At this point, the song ends]\nMayor McDaniels: [approaches] Hello, sir. On behalf of everyone here in South Park, please let me say we are very excited to be in consideration-\nWhole Foods rep: [ignores her] Everyone, please go about your business! I need to see this town in its normal goings on, to see if it is indeed a Whole Foods town.\nScene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim's child laborers are hard at work cleaning up the restaurant. A girl is up on a ladder cleaning one of the lanterns\nTuong Lu Kim: [comes in from the left side] Okay, rooking good, child rabor force. [claps three times] We gonna make a Shitty Wok an updated and a beautiful. [heads back towards the kitchen and sings]\nTuong Lu Kim: [comes in from the left side] Okay, rooking good, child rabor force. [claps three times] We gonna make a Shitty Wok an updated and a beautiful. [heads back towards the kitchen and sings] Let's go child rabor force, let's go! [returns to the dining area] No no, Dennis, you don't use a too much cleaner on the table. That stuff expensive. Now risten everybody! This is a big day! We gonna take the business back from a-SoDoSoPa! And how we gonna do it, child rabor force?! That's right, by taking pride in our work! With the way this prace is looking, we gonna have people rushing in any second!\nMan 2: [voice only] Okay, everyone go about your business.\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh! Here they come!\nMan 3: [voice only] Everyone act normal. No, don't act normal, act good!\nTuong Lu Kim: There they go. [runs to the entrance] Wait, wait! [runs outside] Shitty Wok! Take ur order prease?! Take ur- [quiet voice, as no one comes back] Take ur order ... prease? [a different camera angle shows a Red Lobster across the street from City Wok and Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails down the road.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor gives the Whole Foods representative a tour of the school\nMayor McDaniels: The previous principal of the school was let go so that someone more progressive could take over.\nPC Principal: [stands up] Hey bro, I'm the new principal of the school. My name's PC Principal.\nWhole Foods rep: P.C. Principal. I like that. So you've just recently moved here?\nPC Principal: That's right.\nWhole Foods rep: And do you believe this town is deserving of a Whole Foods?\nPC Principal: You know, I think it's changed a lot. I really do. I've seen some real progress. Definitely had some holdouts - people who went kicking and screaming into 2015, but yes, I think they deserve it.\nWhole Foods rep: Mmmmm-hm. [turns around] Show me a classroom please.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's former classroom, Fourth Grade, moments later. A new female teacher is giving the class a lesson. she's sitting on a stool and shows the class some pictures from an open book.\nTeacher: But if Pluto isn't a planet, who can tell me what it is? [the door opens and the Mayor and representative walk in] Oh, hello.\nMayor McDaniels: This is our new fourth-grade teacher. She's very normal and professional.\nWhole Foods rep: Please continue as if I am not here.\nTeacher: Okay, so uhh children, anyone wanna tell me what Pluto is classified as? [the Whole Foods Rep walks across the floor towards the windows] Anybody? Okay. [the Whole Foods Rep walks back] Well, Pluto is actually a dwarf planet. [Kyle and Stan look at each other] That means it's neither a planet nor a natural satellite, okay?\nWhole Foods rep: [to the Mayor] Is there a reason why the children with disabilities and black child are front and center? [\"...like the moon. Who can tell me how big the moon is?\"]\nMayor McDaniels: Oh no, that's just where they always sit, next to our beloved Craig there, who is a homosexual. [Craig hears this and looks at her angrily. \"Is it bigger? Smaller? Anyone wanna take a guess\"]\nWhole Foods rep: Mmmmm-hm.\nMayor McDaniels: Uh, can, can I show you the most exciting part of town?\nScene Description: SoDoSoPa, day. The place is bustling, as usual. The Mayor and the Whole Foods Rep arrive to have a look\nMayor McDaniels: This is historic SoDoSoPa. It's our vibrant and charming arts and foods district. [Kenny is shown coming home from school. He opens the door, sees them, goes inside, and slams the door shut]\nWhole Foods rep: Hmmm, I enjoy how you've retained the lower-income housing with the updated and quaint urban developments.\nMayor McDaniels: That's really what our town is about. [Randy arrives with Stephen]\nRandy: Oh, hello again. Stephen and I were just heading to SoDoSoPa to enjoy some specialty foods. [the Whole Foods Rep turns around and looks at the vast open area across the street, and begins to survey it. Randy nudges Stephen a few times]\nWhole Foods rep: Hmmm. I have seen enough for today. I am weary. Where shall I sleep?\nMayor McDaniels: Oh yes, of course, uh...\nRandy: Uh, well, tonight, you're at our Motel 6. But, we'd like to show you the plans for something extremely exciting.\nScene Description: Second commercial\nVoice: You can't say \"excitement\" without saying \"SoDoSoPa.\" The food, the art, the nightlife. With the Lofts and Residences at SoDoSoPa all the action was just a few steps away. But what if you could actually live in the most central location that SoDoSoPa has to offer? Well, now you can. Announcing: the Villas at Kenny's House. The most sought-after address in all of South Park for only the very privileged few. Now you can relax in your state-of-the-art deck spa while taking in views of that mixed SoDoSoPa culture. [a view of the back of Kenny's house. Stuart and Carol are fighting, and the new neighbors can see it]\nStuart: Shut your damn mouth, bitch!\nCarol: You shut your mouth or I'll shut-\nVoice: But that's not all. The Villas at Kenny's house will also feature access to a private fitness center, clubhouse, and so much more. Plus a breezeway to the proposed Whole Foods just steps away. [PROPOSED WHOLE FOODS NOT YET CONFIRMED] The Villas at Kenny's House. Welcome Home.\nScene Description: City Wok, night. Tuong Lu Kim sighs and works the cash register. He counts the day's earnings. Before him is Kenny, the one kid left after the day is done, mopping the floor\nTuong Lu Kim: Hey, that's okay. We close. All the other child labor go home.\nKenny: [stops mopping] (I just wanna make sure I get the floors as clean as I can.)\nTuong Lu Kim: I like you, Dennis. You work a real hard. [hands Kenny a dollar] I wish I could give you more. You deserve more. [walks over to a window] But I think I'm gonna have to shut down. Now that a SoDoSoPa open, I'm the shitty part of town. And everyone hates the shitty part of town.\nKenny: (Yeah. I know what you mean.)\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh, what do you know about living in the shitty part of town, Dennis?\nKenny: [drops the mop] (Hey, I have an idea.)\nTuong Lu Kim: You have idea?\nKenny: (I actually do!)\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh! That's the spirit! Let's go child rabor! [clap clap clapclapclap] Let's go child rabor! [they both clap clap clapclapclap]\nScene Description: A ranch in South Park, day. The the rancher, Mayor, and Whole Foods Rep stand behind a fence\nWhole Foods rep: So these are the cattle that the local shops and restaurants are supplied with.\nRancher: Uh... these are local cows, yes.\nWhole Foods rep: And where does the butchery take place?\nRancher: Uh, that's right over there. [a ranch hand shoots a cow in the head, killing it on the spot]\nWhole Foods rep: And are the bullets made from reclaimed metals?\nMayor McDaniels: I believe they are. Rancher, could you make sure?\nFr. Maxi: Randy, Stephen, we've got a big problem! The owner of City Wok has child labor making videos for him!\nRichard: What??\nRandy: Oh Jesus! We forgot all about that guy!\nBob: [sees the Whole Foods Rep turn around and nudges Randy] Shhh!\nFr. Maxi: It's all over the place. He's tryin' to revitalize his rundown neighborhood! [the Mayor follows the rep's gaze]\nRandy: God, why do the economically challenged always have to screw up everything?! [turns around to face the Mayor] We're gonna head back to SoDoSoPa for some curious fusion delights. [turns around and leads the other three men away] Come on, we'll get that asshole!\nScene Description: Third commercial\nTuong Lu Kim: There's a new and exciting prace where people can gather to shop, experience and grow. This is an all-new food and nightrife district. This, is CtPaTown. Where else but CtPaTown can you get all the shitty hot spots and shitty food that South Park is known for? In the mood for some local seafood? Red Robster has all the freshest from Colorado's many oceans. Or if a handcrafted ale is more your thing, head on down to Skeeter's Bar for local ales like a Coors and a Coors Rite. And then, of course, there's Shitty Wok, South Park's historic Asian fusion randmark, featuring Shitty Chicken and Shitty Sour Soup. The state-of-the-art toiret is designed for men and women [just a regular toilet and bathroom. No urinal] and is a great prace for you to squeeze out all the shitty food you've enjoyed. Now South Park has another neighborhood to mingle and rerax. CtPaTown. Welcome Home.\nScene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim has all his workers there, waiting for the doors to open\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, get ready child rabor force! Any minute now, we gonna have a-customers up our ass!\nTownfolk: Get him! There he is! That son of a bitch! Get him! Stop him!\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, here they come! [turns to Kenny] You were right, Dennis! CtPaTown commercial did the trick! [heads back to the counter and turns around] Get ready for customers, child rabor force! [the adults rush in and fan out] Welcome Shitty Wok, take your order PREASE. [Fr. Maxi takes Tuong Lu Kim, Officer Barbrady takes Kenny]\nKenny: (What. The. Fuck?!) [the other adults take the rest of the kids. They all rush out of the restaurant]\nRandy: Alright, take these kids and hide them in the-\nKenny: (Come on, dude, I've gotta make some money!)\nRandy: Ow! You little-! [kicks Kenny down]\nGirl: Get him! [a massive fight breaks out between the adults and the child labor force]\nTuong Lu Kim: Fight, child rabor force! Swing to the reft!\nWhole Foods rep: [shows up with the Mayor and clears his throat] Ahem, ahem! [all the fighting stops and Mayor McDaniels is dismayed at this bad behavior. The adults put the kids down and smile, the kids stay as they are] I've never seen a town put so much energy into displaying an exaggerated sense of social consciousness. Congratulations, you have your Whole Foods. [the adults cheer and disperse.]\nTuong Lu Kim: Wait wait, anybody want a Shitty Chicken?? Anybody?? Take ur order prease??? [jumps a few times in frustration, then sighs] I'm sorry, Dennis. You rearry tried to help. I guess it's over. Come on inside. I'll pay you the child labor wage you deserve.\nScene Description: Kenny's house at SoDoSoPa. Kenny goes home after work. He goes inside his house and passes by the TV, which is showing Hee Haw. The picture tends to flicker between color and black and white\nStuart: [cynically] Well? Did you make any money?\nKenny: [stops and looks down] (No, I didn't make any money.) [continues to the bedrooms]\nStuart: Ha, told ya! That's how it works in this damned country.\nScene Description: A bedroom. Kenny opens the door and looks in. Karen, who is sharing the room with Kevin, sits up in her bed and looks at Kenny\nKaren: [whispers as Kenny goes to her bed] What are you doing, Kenny? [Kenny takes off his backpack and opens it, pulling out a blonde Mama Baby doll. He hands it to her and she gasps in anticipation] Wow! This is mine?\nKenny: [pats her knee] (It's yours, Karen.) [closes his backpack and puts it on, then leaves the bedroom. He stops to look at Karen take the doll out of its box]\nKaren: Hi. [Kenny closes the door and goes to his own room. He drops the backpack on the floor and goes straight to bed. Life outside at SoDoSoPa bustles on, with the thumping music.]\nScene Description: Fourth commercial. City Wok is still here, but something new is next to it. It's the Whole Foods Market, which shows that CtPaTown got the store, not SoDoSoPa. The Stotches approach the store. A worker turns a sign around so that customers know the store is open. The Blacks are inside checking out loaves of bread. Officer Barbrady has purchased some meat at the meat counter. Gerald is walking a dog while Sheila pulls Ike around in a Radio Flyer. Kyle helps out. A young man passes Dr. Mephesto on a bike and waves hi to him. Darryl Weathers passes in front of Liane on his own bike. They wave hello to each other, smiling. Randy carries Stan, who is pointing out something to him\nVoice: There's a time when a town becomes more than it was. [Someone pours himself some coffee. Butters and Linda look at cakes. Mr. Mackey is chatting with the Mayor] When the people take that bold step into making things better. [a bearded worker glances at the camera. Craig points out some deli meats to him mom] To progress. [a shot of two child workers and their mother] To change. [another child worker and his parents] To not be what you were in the past. [a boy and his parents. Wendy glides by on her skateboard] This is a new place, ready for the next decade. [Sharon and Linda walk out with groceries] Updated, revitalized, [Kenny opens his front door and looks out. SoDoSoPa is abandoned, its signs falling down] and ready to fit in with the most progressive towns in America. [PC Principal lowers his Oakleys a bit and nods at the camera] This... is South Park. [a shot of the Mayor and Randy, with a few families, facing the camera at Whole Foods. Cartman and Kyle are in the background] Welcome Home.\nCartman: Are the Mexicans actually staying?\nKyle: Shhhh."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Morning in CtPaTown, renamed Shi Tpa Town. A bright sun rises over City Foods. People mill around all over the area. The Stotches walk past Skeeter's Wine Bar while the Tuckers, without Craig, walk towards Whole Foods. In the parking area in front of the store two old friends greet each other\nGerald: Mornin' Randy!\nRandy: Mornin' Ger! Just another day in paradise, huh?\nGerald: Yeah. Look at all the new restaurants the Whole Foods has brought in. [turns around and points at the restaurant behind them.] Let's try out that one there. [they walk towards it and reach the entrance. A greeter awaits them]\nScene Description: (vernacular)\nRandy: Hi. Two of us. please?\nGreeter: Yeah, sorry guys. we got about a thirty minute wait.\nGerald: [switches places with Randy] Oh, uh, scuse me. [whispers into the greeter's ear]\nGreeter: Yes, sir, give me a second; I'll have a table right away. [rolls his eyes and walks off]\nRandy: Whoa, what'd you say to him?\nGerald: I just... told him who I am.\nRandy: Who are you?\nGerald: [whips out his phone and shows Randy the Yelp app] I'm a yelp reviewer. I usually keep it on the down-low so they don't kiss my ass too much.\nGreeter: [returns and gets two menus] Right over here, sir. [takes them to their seats]\nWaiter: Alright guys, welcome to (vernacular)\nGerald: Thanks, uh, did they mention to you that I am a Yelper?\nWaiter: Yes, we've been alerted. Sir.\nGerald: Greeeat. Could you have them turn up the lights a little, please? [the waiter goes away]\nRandy: Oh, look at it, Gerald. All the new families moving in. [a new Mexican restaurant - Nueva Familia - is having its grand opening across the street] Our little town is all grown up. [Nueva Familia, across the street. A family-run restaurant. A boy sweeps up in the kitchen as his mother prepares some tacos on the griddle. His father rushes in.]\nMr. Rodriguez: Where's that other taco plate? We need it now.\nMrs. Rodriguez: I'm a little overwhelmed.\nMr. Rodriguez: I know. But we've put everything into moving here and starting this business, and we have to be impressive. [walks up to the boy and gets down on one knee] David, you must help your mama however you can. We're not going back to that miserable place!\nMr. Rodriguez: I don't wanna go back either.\nMrs. Rodriguez: Okay, done.\nMr. Rodriguez: Great! [rises and goes for the plates] We really have to impress this customer. He's a local food critic. [rushes the plates out to the dining area]\nMrs. Rodriguez: Another one?\nScene Description: The dining area. Cartman is eating away. Before him are three plates. One has two burritos, the second has two tacos and some chips and guacamole, the third has two enchiladas which he hasn't touched yet. Ambient Mexican music plays\nMr. Rodriguez: [rushes to his table with two plates of food] Okay, here you go, amigo! Another taco plate and the taquitos.\nCartman: Oh, thank you. And, uh did I mention I am a food critic for Yelp?\nMr. Rodriguez: Yes, you mentioned that several times.\nCartman: Okay, I just didn't want you caught off-guard. [whips out his phone] I was thinking of giving this place 5 stars.\nMr. Rodriguez: Really?\nCartman: [wiping his mouth clean with his napkin] Yeah, but I'm kind of teetering on 5 stars or 1 star.\nMr. Rodriguez: Ohnono. No 1 star, please. What could we do to-?\nCartman: Ah I mean, I could probably be persuaded with some free desserts.\nMr. Rodriguez: Let me get that for you.\nCartman: Great, and can you turn down the music a bit? [taps his left ear a few times] This pagan shit hurts my ears.\nMr. Rodriguez: Of course! [turns around and hurries away. A spritz is heard, and the camera shows David wiping down a table. Cartman notices]\nCartman: Oh hey, hey busboy. Busboy busboy, por favor. [snaps his fingers and whistles] Busboy!\nDavíd: My name is David. (Dah-veed)\nCartman: Ehexcuse me?\nDavíd: I said my name is David. (Dah-veed)\nCartman: Uhh, it's actually pronounced \"David,\" okay?\nDavíd: Well, I'm \"David.\" (Dah-veed)\nCartman: It's \"David,\" dude. Look it up.\nMr. Rodriguez: [comes out with a flan and a sundae on a plate] What's going on? Do not argue, son. We need him. [walks to Cartman's table and sets the desserts down] Here you are, a few free desserts. [the front door opens and some bells are heard] Ho, excuse me. More customers! [goes away]\nMale food critic: [enters with his wife] Hi, two of us for lunch, please.\nMr. Rodriguez: Yes, right away!\nMale food critic: Oh, and uh, I just wanted to mention that my wife and I are Yelp reviewers, so uh, your best table, please.\nMr. Rodriguez: Oh Jeez, you guys too, huh? Ho-kay, uhm, I'll get you set up right over here, okay? [takes them past Cartman, who casts a critical eye]\nCartman: Mmmhmmm! [The father takes them to a booth near Cartman]\nMale food critic: Hm, this place seems, nice.\nFemale food critic: I guess we'll see.\nMale food critic: D'I guess we'll see, won't we?\nCartman: Oh God, now everyone thinks they're a food critic.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Cartman puts his books in his locker and walks away when Butters catches him\nButters: Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Huh?\nCartman: [wearing a T-shirt that says \"WARNING: YELP critic\" on the front] Here you go. [takes a bag out of his back pocket and hands it to Butters]\nButters: Whoooaaa. [opens the bag and begins eating what's inside.]\nCartman: Crispy risotto bites from Olive Garden.\nButters: How do you do it, Eric?\nCartman: I'm a restaurant critic, Butters. I get whatever I want.\nButters: Jeeeeezzz. [a second later, Kyle walks by with David]\nKyle: So the cafeteria's back that way, and most of the classrooms are this way, down the-.\nCartman: EEWW. [Kyle and David face him] What's the busboy doing here?\nKyle: Davíd is new to our school.\nCartman: Oh, cool. Are you gonna clean the tables here too? How do you get to school? [mimics a boy on a bicycle] Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? Huh?\nKyle: Shut up.\nCartman: Look amigo, I'm sorry I only gave your parents' restaurant 2 stars, but it could have been worse.\nDavíd: Why'd you only give them 2 stars?\nCartman: I'm sorry, but the food totally messed my stomach up. The morning after I ate it I went to the bathroom and my poop was all solid. Like no water at all.\nKyle: It's not supposed to have water you-!\nCartman: It was like this one solid piece that I had to... push out my asshole. It was like being raped from the inside. Your parents' restaurant just wasn't up to my standards, David.\nDavíd: David. (Dah-veed)\nCartman: David.\nDavíd: Dah-víd.\nCartman: David.\nDavíd: Dah-víííd.\nCartman: David David David David! I can update this to a 1-star review in two seconds, dude. [David turns around and walks away. Kyle turns around, looks at Cartman, and follows David away. A few second later Cartman relaxes] ...Oohhhh God I love being a restaurant critic.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day, Gerald's den. Gerald is typing away at his computer. To help him focus on his work, he plays some opera music and smokes a pipe\nGerald's review: And yet, there was more. For in this crisp time when autumn begins to fade, the chef brings chicken in habanero, and even adds habanero powder to the crust. But the heat is restrained. You experience the fruity, delicious flavor of this without any spicy pain. I don't need any more pain. Hell, does anyone?\nSheila: [appears at the den doorway with Ike] Gerald! We're going to the park. You wanna come along?\nGerald: Sorry honey, this review for Applebee's has turned into a fifty-pager. And then I have a polish on Ruby Tuesday's.\nSheila: Why don't you take a break from Yelping, Gerald? You seem a little overwhelmed.\nGerald: [leans back on his chair] I am, overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't know what I've gotten myself into. But now everyone relies on my Yelp reviews and I... I don't wanna let anyone down.\nSheila: Well there's chicken in the fridge if you get hungry.\nGerald: Thanks, but I, I've gotta Yelp a new place in CtPaTown tonight. [leans forward a bit] God I'm so damned tired.\nSheila: Okay. Have fun.\nGerald: [to himself]Ha, \"fun,\" she says.\nGerald's review: In finality, I will say that my experience at Applebee's was sublime and my treatment near that of a gladiator most decorated. But the street parking wasn't that great. Two and a half stars.\nGerald: [satisfied with his review Gerald leans back in his chair again commenting to himself] Yes.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Wendy walks by with a new classmate. Cartman is on his phone while the boys around him go about eating their lunches\nWendy: Come on, Liza, I'll introduce you to the girls.\nButters: Well aren't you eatin' lunch, Eric?\nCartman: Uhuh, I'm a food critic, Butters, okay? I can't just eat cafeteria food.\nTuong Lu Kim: O-okay, Here you are sir! There's orange-peel chicken, some uh shity beef, and uh shitty egg roll!\nKyle: Are you joking?!\nCartman: Well, you are a little late, like, I dunno, maybe only [emphasis] 1 star late.\nTuong Lu Kim: Oh no! No 1 star, prease! You Uelpers are kriwing me! Okay, you no pay! You no pay, prease!\nCartman: Sounds good. Now get the fuck out of here.\nTuong Lu Kim: Yes yes. I get the fuck out. Thank you! [hurries away]\nButters: Wow! Well you're pretty important, Eric.\nKyle: He's not important. At. All.\nCartman: Yes, no no, you you're right, Kyle. I'm not important. Oh, hey David, I was just wondering, um, how do you get to school? Do you... ride your tiny bicicleta? Eh?\nStan: Stop it.\nCartman: What? I just want to hear him say \"Sí, me ride me tiny bicicleta to schooool.\"\nDavíd: Sí, me ride me teeny bicicleta to school.\nCartman: [laughs] That's awesome! [turns around on the bench] I'm gonna go out to recess. Will you bus this for me, David. Thanks. [leaves the table. David leaves his seat]\nKyle: Ah, [facepalm] don't, dude, dude- Don't.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. Sgt. Yates is at his computer\nBarkley: Sir, it's midnight. Go home, get some sleep.\nSgt. Yates: There's no time to sleep when the city's counting on me.\nBarkley: More Yelp reviews, sir?\nSgt. Yates: I had a bad experience at Red Lobster and if the people don't know about it, they could too. Folks deserve to know where to eat, Mitch.\nBarkley: But does anyone even thank you for it?\nSgt. Yates: I don't need them to. I know they need me, and that's enough.\nBarkley: [pats him on the left shoulder] God bless you, sir.\nSgt. Yates: I know. [Barkley walks away]\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, established in 1986. A table shows the food critic couple who were in Nueva Familia earlier on, now with their son\nWhistlin' Willy: Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoyin' your pizza?\nMale food critic: Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son!\nFemale food critic: Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son!\nSon: [gets an angry face] 1 star!\nDiner 1: Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp.\nWhistlin' Willy: That does it! I've had enough! All you Yelp reviewers get the hell outta here! I don't care what happens to my business! I ain't kissing your asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the fuck out of here!\nDiner 2: Careful now, Bill, you don't want a one-star review.\nWhistlin' Willy: You're not a food critic, Dennis! You're a fuckin' mechanic! Now get the fuck out! Go on! All you Yelpin' sons of bitches get the fuck out of here! [Yelpers begin to stream out of the restaurant]\nMale food critic: You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way.\nWhistlin' Willy: You get the f- Get the fuck out! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door.]\nMale food critic: AH! [Whistlin' Willy slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later]\nGerald: Well, good for you.\nWhistlin' Willy: You too, you sonofabitch!\nGerald: Whoa! Hey! [Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too, and Gerald rubs his butt outside]\nScene Description: Shi Tpa Town. Tuong Lu Kim is running around excited about something while David's father sweeps up at Nueva Familia.\nTuong Lu Kim: It's oba! It's oba! [screams some more and approaches Nueva Familia.] You see papaa?! It's oba! [David's father steps outside and Mr. Kim stops him] Whistrin' Wirry! He stand up to the Yelpas! [David's father scans the front page] We don't have to kiss uh their asses anymore! Look! [David's mother comes out to join his father] Everyone is doing the same! [signs go up saying \"No Yelpers\"] Ha haha. It's ova it's ova! Hey Skeetah, you hear the news?! [He runs off continuing his celebration]\nMr. Rodriguez: [softly] It's a ...miracle. [jubilantly] IT'S A MIRACLE! [he and his wife hug]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks down the hallway humming to himself\nCartman: Hm hm hm the fuck? [notices a small puddle on the floor] Aw, dude, somebody spilled shit on the floor! [notices David at his locker] Hey David, somebody spilled something here. Could you clean this up, por favor? David. [whistles] Over here, there's some shit on the floor. [David closes his locker and turns away] Heyheyhey hey! What's goin' on, man?\nKyle: [arriving] You haven't heard? Nobody gives a fuck what Yelp reviewers think anymore.\nCartman: What are you talking about? I'm the most influential critic in this town. Okay David, forget the spill, just give me one little \"My name is David. Me ride me biciceta to schoool\"\nDavíd: My name... is David. (Dah-veed)[walks off]\nKyle: HA! [walks off as well; confidently]\nCartman: [whips out his phone] Okay, I'm uh I'm updating my review. I'm about to do it. [waits for a comeback but doesn't get one] You'd better say \"I ride me bicicleta to school\"! [holds up his phone] One star! ... No s-no stars? [no reply. He sighs and tries again] No stars? ... You can't just treat me like I'm nothing... I still know I'm worth something! Come on, guys! [walks away. No one follows him. Seconds later he's back.] Oh yeah, y-you guys stay in school, that's kewl, you guys stay here. [leaves again]\nScene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day. Cartman walks alone by City Wok. He notices a sign there - NO YELPERS. He then walks to Nueva Familia and knocks on the door. David is moving chairs around and stops. Cartman mimics someone riding a bike, and David sticks his middle finger up at him, then turns and walks away. Cartman sighs, turns around, and walks away. He walks right into Butters' house, through the living room, and up into Butters' room. Butters is at his desk drawing a purple car. Cartman sighs\nButters: [noticing] Oh, hey Eric.\nCartman: [hops onto Butters' bed and lays down] It's all over, Butters. Everything I've worked so hard to achieve. All these hack wannabe food critics have made my profession a joke.\nButters: Oh I'm sorry, bud.\nCartman: All these people trying to be like me. And they don't even write about poop consistency the next day.\nButters: Well Eric, you should be proud that people wanna be like you. Ha ah, I mean, you really started something.\nCartman: I guess.\nButters: Well if these people look up to you, maybe, maybe you can sort of, set the record straight and show them the way it's supposed to be done.\nCartman: [sits up] You're right, Butters. Maybe I can actually use all these people somehow to make... real food critics respected again.\nScene Description: Sgt. Yates' house. Yates serves himself some whisky on the rocks while doing more reviews. His wife Maggie walks up to him.\nMaggie: Harrison Yates, what's gotten into you?\nYates: That's it, Maggie. I'm hanging it up. If people are gonna be trying all the new restaurants in town they'll... have to do it without my reviews.\nMaggie: What are ya talkin' about? You said that protectin' people from bad dinin' experiences was what kept you goin'.\nYates: The restaurants put up signs sayin' I can't come in. I don't know why they singled me out, but it's like, people don't need me. [opens a letter and reads it] Well I'll be damned.\nMaggie: What is it?\nYates: Somebody's put a note in the mailbox... asking me to come and talk to them. They do need me. [rises and goes to the coat rack] I need to get goin'.\nMaggie: You want me to come along?\nYates: No, they're just asking for me. I guess... [opens the front door] maybe I do have a town to protect. [smiles and leaves]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, Sunday. Cartman is getting refreshments ready for his guests in the living room. Liane walks up to him\nLiane: Oh, are you having a party sweetheart?\nCartman: Not a part, Mom. I've invited all the poser food critics over for a meeting.\nLiane: Oh, how fun!\nCartman: It's not fun, it's serious. These people think they can do what I do, but they need to be, made to understand the reality. When the Yelpers get here I need you to get lost, okay? Okay, that's them, that's them. Go, get lost, Mom! [she goes away as he walks to the front door. He opens the door and sees a sea of reviewers]\nYelpers: Hello, hi. My name is [they all give their names at the same time] and I'm here for the meeting. [Cartman freezes up]\nA reviewer: Is this the right place?\nCartman: Fuuuuuuck! [closes the door and keeps it closed with his back] Mom!\nLiane: I'm going, honey.\nCartman: But Mom, there's like a billion people here.\nLiane: Oh yes, sweetie, I think quite a few people are Yelp reviewers.\nCartman: Oh, this many people have nothing better to do than write reviews on Yelp?!\nLiane: I guess so, honey. Do you need more lemonade?\nCartman: Mom, there's a fucking billion people here! [yes, Yelpers all up and down the block, filling the streets all around. Moments later, he appears at his bedroom window on the second floor, and holds court] Uh, thank you all for coming. My name is Eric, and as you know, us Yelpers are being scrutinized-\nA Yelper: COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER?\nCartman: Yes. Us Yelp critics are being scrutinized.\nOther Yelpers: That's right! Yeah!\nCartman: Now, you see, the problem is that when there's too many reviewers, people no longer know who is the real food critic. [Sgt. Yates puffs up his chest, pretty sure that it's him] It's great that you all want to be critics, but we all know who the real food analyst of the town is.\nOther Yelpers: That's right. Yeah!\nGerald: [confidently humble] Huh. Oh thanks.\nCartman: Okay. So, as long as there is one clear leader, then the rest of you can just follow. And with this many people all following [holds up index finger] one captain, we can fight to get our power back!\nA Yelper: Poweerrrrr Back!\nCartman: So now rise up, and [pounds on the window sill] fight for your leader!! Fight together and show the restaurants that our food critic does matter!\nOther Yelpers: Yeah! Let's go! [more cheering from the Yelpers]\nSgt. Yates: Alright, follow me!\nGerald: This way, everyone! [the crowd turns left and moves off]\nScene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. A mother and son leave, but are still nearby when the crowd of Yelpers arrives and begins destroying the gulch. They then leave quickly. After a barrel is thrown through a window, Willy looks up to see what's going on\nScene Description: News 4 segment\nAnchor Tom: Another local business is closing its doors tonight after being taken down by Yelp reviewers. Whistlin' Willy's, a child favorite in town, was destroyed and its owner stripped and beheaded. The following video is graphic. [a crowd of Yelp reviewers is shown and they are ululating. Two Yelpers bring Whistlin' Willy in front of the camera and hold him there. The crowd continues to ululate]\nWhistlin' Willy: No, please! No! Nonono! [the Yelpers pull the mask off his head and show it off to the camera] Awwww. [the ululating continues]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. \"Bad to the Bone\" plays as the school bell rings. Cartman walks down the hallway as a Big Critic on Campus, while in voice over he is singing the words. The other kids either hold their hands up or hold themselves a little tighter as Cartman walks to the tune of \"Bad To The Bone.\" He's met by a group of boys led by Kyle.\nKyle: We all... loved... Whistlin' Willy's!\nCartman: [just shrugs] It didn't do well with Yelpers.\nToken: You assholes destroyed the best place in town because they wouldn't kiss your asses!\nCartman: Oh come on, admit it. The food sucked.\nKyle: Nobody went for the fucking food!\nCartman: Look, I'm sorry goys, but Whistlin' Willy failed to recognize the influence someone like me has on their business. Now, I just have one question for you, David. Do you ride... your teeny, tiny, bicicleta... to school?\nDavíd: Si. Me ride me teeny bicicleta to school. [turns around and walks away. Kyle flashes an angry look at Cartman, then watches Davíd leave]\nKyle: [gets in Cartman's face] You're done! [turns around and walks away with the remaining boys]\nCartman: Yeah, I'm done! I'm now the leader of thousands of people! They all hang on my every word! [softly] And I'm gonna use my power to finally get what this town really needs.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day, Gerald's den. Gerald is typing away at his computer, with music and pipe, as before.\nGerald's review: I found the wait staff at Red Lobster to be rude, and barely even acknowledging who I was. Or what I meant to this city.\nSheila: [appears at the doorway with Ike] Gerald, I'm taking Ike to clown school. You care to joing us?\nGerald: I can't, honey. I'm now the leader of thousands of people. They all hang on my every word. And I'm going to use my power to finally get what this town really needs. [Sheila and Ike just walk away]\nScene Description: Shi Tpa Town. The peace and quiet of the morning is disrupted by semiautomatic gunfire. Yelpers run into the area, and a bomb goes off behind Dee's Meats. Another News 4 segment\nReporter: For the fifth day in a row, historic Shi Tpa Town is under siege by Yelp reviewers. The restaurants are still refusing to be intimidated. and the Yelp reviewers are- [quickly ducks as the gunfire hits very close to him] -and the Yelp reviewers are preparing for all-out war. [real war footage is shown] The angry Yelp reviewers are demanding special treatment at all city restaurants. They claim that as local food critics they deserve respect and that all who oppose them will suffer. The online restaurant critics are getting ready to bring businesses to their knees, and some are already closing their doors. [Nueva Familia is shown...]\nReporter: One local restaurant worker actually called out the Yelp critics' leader.\nDavid: I guess you win, huh, big shot?! If you really are any kind of important to anybody, then get your bullshit food critic ass to the south of town and face me! Because you aren't a food critic, and you aren't important! [Sgt. Yates looks at the screen in the police station] And unless you're a chicken, I'll see you south of town! [Yates walks into his office and gets his coat]\nBarkley: Where are you going, sir?\nSgt. Yates: You heard him. Little Mexican kid called me out. [shows his gun, then places it back in its holster] If he wants to fight me, that's fine.\nBarkley: You need backup sir?\nSgt. Yates: No, he's just calling me out. [turns and walks out]\nBarkley: God bless you sir.\nSgt. Yates: I know!\nScene Description: The south of town, a big meadow or park on the outskirts of town. David marches towards the meeting point. Kyle runs up to catch him\nKyle: David! Dude, wait! [Kyle is next to him now] Dude, you don't wanna do this. You don't know what Cartman's capable of.\nDavid: Where I come from, we settle things with our fists!\nKyle: But this isn't Mexico.\nDavid: I'm not from Mexico, dude! I'm from Idaho! [Kyle glances away, embarrassed] I'm gonna show this prick how we do things in Boise!\nCartman: Oh, hello David! [Cartman is flanked by hundreds of Helpers]\nKyle: Alright, you've got your army! You've got your followers! If you're such a great leader, then just tell the city what you want, fat-ass!\nGerald: Don't call me fat, son! I'm doing this because they've-\nSgt. Yates: What I want is to be able to lead these fine people with the respect and the dignity-\nYelper 1: I didn't ask to be the leader, I was appointed! You see, I'm extremely important to this town, and I'm not going to be-\nYelper 2: My journey is this town's food- [soon everyone is talking over each other, and David and Kyle just look at each other.]\nYelper 3: You've made these people feel unwanted, and now they look to me for answers.\nGerald: Now here I stand, vulnerable, afraid, and yet willing to do what the people of this-\nMale food critic: And so we said \"to hell with it!\" And we took the challenge to go from the town's food critics to the town's spiritual leaders! What do we want?\nYelper 4: [another woman] People would say \"Oh, you're just a food blogger. You're just a tiny voice in the crowd. Well now my voice is heard, and I will-\" [her voice melts into the other voices]\nCartman: ...wanted special privileges, but these people think I should have them! Right, guys? Maybe I don't deserve special treatment, but how else can I be the elite food critic they want? [more chatter]\nKyle: [after a few moments] Every person here thinks this is about them.\nDavid: I think I know what to do.\nKyle: Yeah. Me too.\nScene Description: They Mayor's office, day. Mayor McDaniels sits at her desk, with several townsfolk standing behind her. Kyle stands to the right of the desk in a suit. Fanfare plays\nMayor McDaniels: And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we present to you... the Golden Badge. [an aide pins the badge on Gerald's coat] Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment that you deserve. [Johnson rings a bell and Fr. Maxi hums a short chant]\nGerald: Thank you, Mayor. It's a big responsibility, but I suppose I have to accept. I will do my best to serve this town.\nMayor McDaniels: We know you will. [shows him the exit. He turns right and walks out. Another aide closes the exit door]\nKyle: Okay, bring in the next one.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Davis, you have proven yourself a leader. And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we present the Golden Badge. [an aide pins the badge on Mr. Davis's coat]\nMr. Davis: [softly] Wwooww.\nMayor McDaniels: Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment you deserve. [Johnson rings the bell and Fr. Maxi hums the short chant]\nScene Description: Nueva Familia, day. The signs that showed the restaurant was shutting down are gone; the Grand Opening sign remains\nDavíd: Alright, we got all the restaurants to agree to let the Yelpers in and make them feel special.\nMr. Rodriguez: How did you do it, son?\nScene Description: (vernacular), dinnertime. An elite food critic is about to order.\nDiner 3: Hi, yes, the steak, please. [points to his golden badge] I'm the uh Yelp elite. [the waiter takes his order to the kitchen and...]\nWaiter: Alright, we got a Yelper. Give it that special attention.\nChef: Youuu got it! [puts his finger into his nose and pulls out some boogers, and smears them on the steak.]\nScene Description: Montage. What follows is a series of scenes showing cooks and waiters doing nasty things to Yelpers' dishes, including more boogers on them, masturbating to them, peeing on them, farting on them, etc... Some examples; Mr. Kim masturbating onto a plate of broccoli chicken, then serving it to the food critic couple, and grinning to himself; a Steed chef masturbates onto a plate of thin steaks and gives it to a waiter, who serves it to Sgt. Yates; Gerald finishes a review, then eats crab legs at a fine restaurant. Back at (vernacular), a waiter farts on a salad and gives it to the female food critic. Later, the couple critiques the restaurant's décor to the greeter. Whistlin' Willy serves up three pizzas to three different elite Yelpers. Sgt. Yates is back at the office writing another review.\nLead Singer: So you're one of Yelpers' special blessed. You demand a restaurant's very best. Well they're gonna treat you special, I'm tellin' you, chum. Now get yourself ready for some boogers and cum!\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: That's called the Yelper Special!\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: Say, what's that on your pretzel?\nScene Description: together\nLead Singer: Your online critiques are real useful to some.\nBackup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo\nLead Singer: Now have a good time eatin' boogers and cum.\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: Someone farted on your salad.\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: But your décor critiques are valid.\nScene Description: together\nLead Singer: You think you're special, like you're A #1!\nBackup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo\nLead Singer: Well there's a whole lot of special in\nAll Singers: Boogers and cum.\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: How 'bout some feces with your flounder?\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: You like that queefy quarter pounder?\nScene Description: together\nDiner 4: What's that spice that feels tangy on my tongue?\nBackup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo\nWaiter 2: Oh that's a yuzu pepper [to himself] along with some boogers and cum\nScene Description: At the school cafeteria\nDavíd: Here you are, sir.\nCartman: Why thank you, David. That's good service.\nDavíd: I will bring you food every day, my friend.\nCartman: Mmmm, is that a jalapeño cream sauce?\nDavíd: Yes. My father made it just for youuu.\nCartman: Hmmm. It's tart, but savory.\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nScene Description: Back to random shots\nLead Singer: Bein' a food critic's easy!\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: Oh, you feel a little queasy?\nScene Description: together\nLead Singer: Do you need a diagnosis? Well doctor's got one.\nBackup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo\nDr. Doctor: Your stomach seems to be filled with boogers and cum.\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: Piss in your potatoes.\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum.\nLead Singer: Some guy shit on your tomatoes. Alright, fancy food critic, looks like you've won. Now please enjoy all the boohoohoogers. Boohoohoohoohoohoogers. Aaannnddd. Cuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm!\nBackup Singers: Boogers and cum!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman sits in PC Prinicpal's office hyperventilating, teary-eyed. PC Principal and Mr. Mackey both look at him.\nPC Principal: So these guys made fun of your weight and made you feel ashamed?\nCartman: [voice shaking terribly] Yes, I was just trying to do my job as a food critic and they all ganged up on me and said I was fat.\nPC Principal: Alright, why don't you take me back to what happened?\nCartman: I was in the locker room. I was in my underwear and these kids walked by [Craig and Clyde appear around the corner] Then I looked in the mirror and I thought I looked kind of ripped, and so I asked one of the kids [Clyde] if he would take a picture of me [holding two dumbbells, one in each hand] and he did. And I looked at the picture and I looked pretty ripped, so later at home, I put the picture up on my Yelp account and I typed in \"Don't I look ripped?\" and I thought people would be stoked on me. Then this morning I saw the comments on Twitter and some people called me names and said I wasn't ripped, and they said that I was fat and I didn't have muscles. The Internet made fun of me and [is overcome with emotion and hyperventilates. PC Principal sniffs and clears his throat.]\nMr. Mackey: Well, Eric, maybe you shouldn't have put a picture of you in your underwear up on social media.\nPC Principal: [jumps up and faces Mr. Mackey] Hey! You got a fuckin' problem, Mackey!\nMr. Mackey: N-No, PC Principal.\nPC Principal: Because body-shaming is fuckin' serious, and I'm not gonna allow that shit in my school! [faces Cartman] Nobody should have to feel that kind of shame!\nScene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. Liane walks out with her groceries, Randy walks around inside marveling at all the stuff. Next, he's in Checkout 5 having his purchases scanned.\nCashier: Okay. sir, looks like your total is $37.83.\nRandy: [pulls out his wallet and takes out $40] Alright.\nCashier: [checks the monitor] Okay, and, would you like to add a dollar donation to help hungry kids around the world?\nRandy: [real quiet] Oh, uh, no, that, that's okay.\nCashier: Sorry?\nRandy: [real quiet] I'm, I'm good.\nCashier: [having trouble hearing him clearly] I'm sorry, you don't want to give the dollar to hungry kids?\nRandy: [real quiet] Not today, thank you.\nCashier: Okay, no problem. [punches in the last few numbers into the register.] A window's gonna come up and ask if you're helping the hungry kids, just hit \"No, I'm not.\"\nRandy: [real quiet] Oh, come on.\nCashier: Try hitting it again. It's the box below the one that says, \"Sure, I'd love to help however I can.\" [Randy hits the button again... and again a few more times, but it only beeps twice. The cashier looks at it.] Ah, darn thing. Sorry. Most people give the dollar. I can do this manually. [turns to the register and taps a few keys]\nRandy: Look, I give money to charity a lot, okay?\nCashier: Oh, sure you do.\nRandy: I do. I just don't want to every time I shop for food.\nCashier: That's completely understandable. [reads something] \"Have customer speak on the-\" Oh-okay. if you can just speak into the voice decoder and say \"I'm not giving anything to the hungry kids.\"\nRandy: [leans in and speaks into the \"decoder\"] I'm not giving anything to the hungry kids. [his voice echoes throughout the store, and everyone takes notice]\nCashier: Okay, that's got it. So with the ice cream, the vodka, pizza pockets, and nothing for hungry kids, that's $37.83. [getting a bit sarcastic] Oh, don't forget your change.\nRandy: Look, if I give money every time I went grocery-shopping, I would be-!\nCashier: [cuts him off] Thanks for shopping, sir. Next, please.\nRandy: [takes his paper bag full of groceries and leaves] Dick!\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, moments. PC Principal opens the door and Kyle walks in.\nPC Principal: Morning, Kyle. Have a seat right there. [Kyle takes the seat next to Cartman and is instantly displeased] You probably heard that Eric here has been dealing with some body shaming? [Cartman is still whimpering]\nKyle: Uh huh.\nPC Principal: Well, Eric and I have been talking, and we've decided it's probably best for him to get off of social media.\nKyle: Yeah probably.\nPC Principal: So what we're looking for is a student volunteer. Somebody who can put the things Eric wants up on the Internet for him and also filter through all the comments and make it more of a safe space for him.\nKyle: Wait, what?\nCartman: I said you were perfect because you're really good at getting all your schoolwork done on time [gathers his thoughts] so you'd probably do a really good job.\nKyle: You want me to run Cartman's Twitter and Yelp account and only give him the good comments?\nPC Principal: That's right.\nKyle: No.\nPC Principal: Kyle, you know what body-shaming is, right? How much it can hurt someone's life? All you have to do is check out all the comments, type out just the positive ones, and give that to Eric on paper.\nKyle: If he doesn't like what people say on Twitter, he can get off. [Cartman begins to cry]\nPC Principal: Okay, Kyle, well maybe you'd like two weeks' detention instead.\nKyle: [a bit stunned, considers his options] Give me... give me detention.\nPC Principal: You sure about that?\nKyle: Yeah, I'll take the detention.\nPC Principal: That's two weeks' detention for you, bud! I'll see you at 4! [Kyle looks at Eric, gets up, and leaves. Next, PC Principal is talking to another student] And when we said someone should probably help Eric by filtering out any negative comments, he mentioned you by name.\nWendy: Is this a joke?\nCartman: I'm not a joke!\nPC Principal: Nothing funny about this, Testaburger! This is a big problem in our country!\nWendy: I'm not doing it.\nPC Principal: And that's two weeks' detention for you! Congratulations! [Wendy looks at Eric, gets up, and leaves. Next, PC Principal is talking to another student] So, any comments that seem inappropriate or hurtful in any way, you need to delete and not include in your daily report to Eric. [Butters is shown next to Cartman now]\nCartman: I wanted someone smart and hard-working!\nButters: Do I gotta?\nPC Principal: You want detention?\nButters: Well, if I get detention, uh, I'll get grounded.\nPC Principal: Then you start today! Butters, it's your job to make sure Eric has a safe space.\nScene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. Randy is at a salad bar creating his own salad. A female shopper is making one too, and their tongs clash over greens\nFemale shopper: Oh, ahhh, I'm sorry.\nRandy: Oh no, my, my fault.\nFemale shopper: Isn't it great having a Whole Foods?\nRandy: This is where I come for lunch every day. Gotta eat healthy to stay fit. [pleased at this encounter. He turns to leave and sees the cashier from before, who waves back at him. To himself] Aw, shit, it's that guy. [as no one else is waiting, he goes ahead and makes his purchases]\nCashier: Aand how are you today, sir?\nRandy: Great. [leans in and in a low voice] Uh, listen, before you ring me up, I just wanna let you know I'm not gonna be giving extra money to charity, so can we, can we just skip that part?\nCashier: Oh, no problem, sir, they've updated the system so it's a lot more streamlined now. Find everything you need today?\nRandy: Yeah, thanks.\nCashier: There we go, and that's... Okay, and would you like to give a dollar to hungry kids today?\nRandy: [softly] No. I said no, before.\nCashier: Oh that's right. Okay, there's a picture of a little hungry boy. Will you just press on his belly? [Randy does so, and hears \"Oww, owww.\" The cashier checks the readout] Okay, that's got it. So, with the no help for hungry kids that's $18.87. [Randy hands him a $20 bill] Out of 20. [the cashier gives him some change back in the coin return tray] Your change is right there, just pull the sandwich out of the little girl's mouth. [a cardboard cutout of a little girl hides the coin return]\nRandy: This is not streamlined!\nCashier: It's just the new change dispenser, sir. [Randy then goes ahead and tries to pull the sandwich away]\nRandy: [a couple of grunts later] I can't.\nCashier: Yes, she's a hungry one. You've gotta pull hard.\nRandy: Dammit! The sandwich isn't coming out.\nCashier: Try putting your foot on her face. [Randy promptly does this. He also notices the woman he bumped into earlier in Checkout 4 and flashes a smile to her. Finally he pulls the sandwich out of the cutout's mouth and gets his change and his groceries] Have a nice day, sir!\nRandy: I was having a nice day! [leaves the store]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. Cartman puts his books into his locker and closes it. As he walks away, Butters appears around the corner and catches up to him.\nButters: [sounding quite tired] Eric, hold up.\nCartman: There you are. You have my social media comments?\nButters: Yeah. Yeah, right here. [hands him the papers] I just finished this morning.\nCartman: [reviews them] Mm-hm. Hm-oh, that's nice. Oh great. This is all the Twitter comments?\nButters: Yeah. And the people commenting on your Yelp page starts here. [points to the first comment on the current page]\nCartman: Okay, nice. Oh ni- oh, very enthusiastic. This is so great! [turns around and walks by Kyle, who's at his locker.] Oh Kyle! You thought me having someone edit my social media would make me look stupid? You should see all the comments I'm getting. People are actually really stoked on me now.\nButters: It's a pretty brutal job sifting through all that darkness.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gym, later. The whole school is in attendance as PC Principal introduces someone.\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order to better understand the negative effects of body-shaming, we have a- [points to someone on the bleachers] HEY, LESLIE! PUT A FUCKIN' SOCK IN IT! [Leslie was whispering to Esther again, and again she backs off slowly] We have a guest speaker today who will challenge our perceptions of physical beauty. [steps towards a screen upon which is a graphic that says \"NO MORE FAT SHAMING\"] So please welcome action star and hero, Steven Seagal. [claps a few times, then puts the mic into a mic stand and steps aside as music plays. Real life pictures of a slimmer Seagal from his early films pop up as a slide show]\nSteven Seagal: [voice-over] You've got a problem with me? I'm your worse nightmare. I have no fear of death, more important, I don't fear life. [gun shot sound effect. The slide show ends and an obese Seagal walks into the gym with a gun drawn. He gets to the mic and begins to whimper, and lowers the gun] I'm a big action movie star and people are pretty stoked on me. And then I put a picture of myself up on the Internet and I had my shirt off and I said \"Do you think I'm ripped?\" and some people commented saying I didn't look ripped, that I was fat, and they called me Steven Se-boom-boom, so I put another picture on the Internet and I thought people would be stoked on me, but they said that I looked like a fat turd, and they said I wasn't buff. [hyperventilates] Body-shaming isn't cool, and, if p-people shame you on the Inter n-net, you have to make sure that you stay, you stay strong and tell everyone you're proud of how you look, like this. [begins to shuffle dance and clap as \"Got To Be Real\" starts playing]\nScene Description: The school hallway, later. Steven is headed out and PC Principal catches up to him.\nPC Principal: Hey, Seagal! Listen, that was a really amazing talk you gave to the kids.\nSteven Seagal: [sniffs] Thank you.\nPC Principal: I can see that you're in a lot of pain, bro. I've got someone who I think can help.\nScene Description: PC Principal's office. An exhausted Butters is sitting next to a sobbing Seagal as PC Principal makes his case\nPC Principal: So I want you to do for Mr. Seagal the same thing that you're doing for Eric Cartman.\nButters: But, PC Principal, I really don't have time.\nPC Principal: This man took the time to come to your school and help spread body-shaming awareness! I think you can give him a little of your time!\nButters: Yes sir...\nScene Description: Whole Foods Market, later. Randy is back to buy more groceries. He's back at Checkout 5 with the same cashier as before\nCashier: Find everything you needed today?\nRandy: Yes.\nCashier: Okay, looks like your total comes to $37.98. Would you like to give a dollar to help feed hungry kids?\nRandy: Yes, I would like to give a dollar.\nCashier: [surprised] You want to give a dollar?\nRandy: Yes, I will.\nCashier: [excited sounding] Oh wow, okay! So that's $10 for the beer, $4.20 in chocolate-covered peanuts, $26 in filet mignons, [sarcastically] and one dollar for hungry kids around the world. On \"amount of donation\" it will say $10, $20, or $50, can you just press the \"$1\" box? [Randy does so and bells, sirens, and colored lights go off. The cashier gets on the mic and says] Attention shoppers, somebody just joined the $1 club, giving one whole dollar to help feed hungry children. [quickly goes around the checkout] Here's your T-shirt! [quickly slips it on Randy and takes a picture, then prints the picture. The shirt says \"I Gave $1.00 to End Hunger.\" The cashier pins the picture on the \"$1\" cork board, which was empty before] Ho, won't the kids be thrilled when they get their piece of that big impressive dollar. [walks back to his register and sings] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a holly good fellow, for he's a holly good fellow! He ended world hunger. [Randy takes his groceries and leaves, whimpering]\nScene Description: Butter's house, afternoon, bedroom. Butters is toiling away at his computer.\nButters: Yech. Oh God that's terrible. Jesus.\nDemi Lovato: [sitting on Butters' bed] Yeah. No, I'm telling you, Tracy, it's the greatest thing ever. I'm getting all my Twitter and Instagram comments on paper, and the nasty mean stuff, all gets edited out.\nButters: Whoa my God. Wugh.\nDemi Lovato: Yeah. And the coolest thing? Ever since I started using this service, all of my followers are actually way more stoked on me. So cool, right?\nCartman: Butters!\nButters: [startled] Yeah!\nCartman: [at the bedroom door] What the hell is this? The last report you gave me has a comment that says \"This picture of you burned my eyes, fatso!\"\nButters: Well, I'm sorry, Eric. I, I guess it slipped through the cracks. I'm overloaded with all the new people.\nCartman: What new people? [walks up to the computer]\nButters: Well, I've got Demi Lovato [points to her] to take care of now, and Lena Dunham just put a picture of her asshole on Twitter, and wants only the positive comments.\nCartman: Dude, fuck Demi Lovato! She's fuckin' hot, she's not being fat-shamed!\nDemi Lovato: [stands up] Am so! But I don't care. People just have to accept my body the way it is.\nCartman: Butters, I want this fixed by tonight! You got that?!\nButters: Okay, Eric. [Cartman walks away]\nScene Description: A commercial. \"Amazing Grace\" plays with a female voice. A poor community is shown. Randy walks among the poor folk\nRandy: This is a place where hope is scarce. These people are hungry. Little Jojo here might not eat today. But does that mean it's okay for cashiers to ask us for money while we're in the checkout line? It isn't right, and it isn't fair. Just $2 a day adds up to 62 goddamned dollars a month if you go to Whole Foods as much as I do. Nobody should have to feel the shame, the humiliation, of being asked to add money onto their grocery bill. Help now. Let's make grocery stores a #SAFESPACE for all. Together, we can make a difference.\nGirl: Because charity-shaming hurts everyone. [Randy holds her a bit closer]\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He and Mr. Mackey are talking to someone\nPC Principal: You know, if there's one thing I really respect, it's plus-sized models who challenge the idea of what makes a woman beautiful. These ladies are gonna be part of a big ad campaign for plus-sized lingerie, and we wanna make sure they're protected from any harassing comments.\nButters: [Butters is seated across from PC Principal with an entire row of plus-sized women in lingerie] Do I have to, sir?\nPC Principal: Hey, they're gonna putting themselves out there, and all I'm asking you to do is go through their social media and delete the two or three comments that are mean.\nButters: PC Principal, ah, I don't think you quite realize how much negative stuff I have to sift through.\nPC Principal: I know it's a lot, but I just really need you to help these plus-sized models. And Vin Diesel.\nButters: Vin Diesel too??\nPC Principal: Look bro! You've done an amazing job with Eric Cartman. You have really turned his life around, and other people deserve... to be as happy as he is.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. A piano begins to play a song, and Cartman sings first. Soon, an abstract space appears in which are tiny rooms - a safe space - one for each person singing\nCartman: Everyone likes me and thinks I'm great in my safe spaaaace.\nSeagal: My safe spaaaace.\nCartman: [eating in a restaurant, Butters hands him more comments] People don't judge me and haters don't hate in my safe spaaaace. [An exhausted Butters is hard at work in his room]\nPC Principal: Your safe spaaaace.\nCartman and Seagal: [standing in a floating tiny room] Bully-proof windows, troll-safe doors, nothing but kindness and healing.\nRandy: You might call me a pussy, but I won't hear you in my safe spaaaace.\nSeagal: My safe spaaaace.\nCartman: Bully-proof windows.\nDemi Lovato: [standing under a spotlight] If you do not like me, you are not allowed in my safe spaaaace.\nPlus-sized models: My safe spaaaace\nPC Principal: [inside the pricipal's office with Butters, he then hands Vin Disel more comments] Look and you will see there's a very select crowd in your safe spaaaace. [Steven Seagal is resting on a bed in his safe space]\nAll: My safe spaaaace.\nCartman: People that support me.\nAll: Mixed in with\nCartman: More people that support me.\nAll: And say nice things. Rainbows all around me, there is no shame in my safe spaaaace.\nRandy: My safe spaaaace.\nCartman: Bully-proof windows. [a change in tempo as villianous music plays and a masked villain enters the video.]\nReality: I am going to tear down your safe space! Brick by brick, I shall smash it with glee!\nCartman: What? Who is that?\nReality: You cannot stop me from getting inside! I am cold and I am hard, and my name... is Reality.\nDemi Lovato: Oh no, not reality! Somebody stop him!\nCartman: I'll take care of him, Demi! [shoots lightning from his hands, and the various people in their safe spaces are now dressed to dance!]\nAll: [faster rock music begins playing] You can't ruin our lives, Reality!\nCartman: Our safe spaces will keep you out!\nReality: Drat!\nAll: We can face almost anything!\nCartman: But Reality we can do without!\nReality: Nooooo... [vanishes, as the original piano music resumes]\nCartman: Bully-proof windows.\nAll: Troll-safe doors. [slowing down] My Safe Spaaaaaaaace! [all stop]\nCartman: That was nice.\nScene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. The cashier at Checkout 5 sends one shopper off\nCashier: All right, thanks, have a great day. [Randy steps up] Good afternoon sir.\nRandy: [self-assured] Oh, hello. You might know Steven Seagal [who steps up, with his gun aimed at the cashier]\nSteven Seagal: You wanna play with me?\nRandy: And this is Vin Diesel.\nCashier: Oh, hello gentlemen.\nRandy: It'd be... a really bad idea for you to charity-shame me today. These guys are here to protect my safe space.\nCashier: That's great. [hums to himself as he scans Randy's items] This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy was in Fast And The Furious, [Vin Diesel begins to whimper and walks away] and this little piggy goes direct to cable.[Steven Seagal begins to whimper and walks away] [jabs Randy in the belly] And this little piggy just bought fifty-three dollars in beer and frozen pizzas. Would you like to make a dollar donation to hungry kids today?\nScene Description: A second commercial. We're back in the poor community. \"Amazing Grace\" plays with a deep male voice, and Demi Lovato walks in\nDemi Lovato: Look around you. What do you see? People who are slim. Skinny. But not everyone can have nice bodies like them. Just imagine it. Putting your pictures up on Twitter just to have some people write comments about your weight. It happens, all too often.\nRandy: [taking over] But it doesn't stop there. People also can be shamed for other traits viewed as negative. Mike here was shamed for not being a good recycler.\nDemi Lovato: And so together, we have created #shamelessAmerica, [a screen pops up with \"let's work towards a #shamelessAmerica.\"] so no one is ever labeled...\nFat woman: Tubby.\nMan with cap: Bad with tools.\nWoman 2: Dyke!\nMan 2: Butter butter dirty line cutter.\nRandy: Let's work together to create a completely shameless America.\nBoy: [emaciated] Because shaming hurts everyone. [Randy holds him a bit closer]\nScene Description: Butters' room, night. He's editing out negative comments on Demi Lovato's social media pages before printing them\nButters: [reading through online messages] \"Hey Demi Lovato, I bet your vagina has a-\" [begins to gag] oh. Oh God. Oh, that's horrible [picks up a waste basket and vomits into it] Augh. [coughs] Jeez. Delete. Delete that too. [continues reading comments aloud] \"I'd like to stick my wiener into those fat rolls of-\" [villianous piano music begins to play] Oh God! [Reality sneaks into his room and paces behind Butter's chair] Uh, delete! \"You aren't fat, but my dick is-\" Whoa, God.\nReality: HaHAA!\nButters: GAAAHHH!\nReality: So you're the one trying to destroy me, eh??\nButters: What? [falls out of his chair. Reality tries to grab him, but misses. Butters runs to a night stand]\nReality: You little shit! Keep me out, will you?\nButters: I don't know you, sir!\nReality: You can't stop me! [tries to grab Butters again, but breaks the lamp on the night stand] I'm going to kill you! [jumps up to fall on him. At that moment, the bedroom door opens]\nStephen: Butters! What are you doing?!\nButters: [panicked] Well-ll, the man! Uh, the man is gonna get me! [Butters points to where Reality was standing only for the shot to widen showing he is no longer there]\nScene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. The cashier is ringing Randy up.\nCashier: And some chocolate-covered almonds. Vanderpump Sangria mix.\nRandy: Yeah, um, I'm a little tired because I'm actually hosting a huge fundraiser for my charity organization [shows off his shirt: \"#ShamelessAmerica\"] that I'm sort of the head of.\nCashier: That's great, sir. Ice cream sandwiches.\nRandy: Yeah, we're gonna raise a lot of money. Celebrities are coming. Demi Lovato is givin' a hundred thousand for the event.\nCashier: Wonderful. Rotisserie chicken. Oh yep, gotta have that Frank's hot sauce.\nRandy: I just thought, you know, a fundraiser dinner was sort of the appropriate place to ask for donations.\nCashier: That's great, sir. Okay, your total is $37.85, and would you like to give a dollar to help put a hamster through college?\nRandy: [stunned] ...What? Did you not hear anything I said? I'm - I'm doin' all this stuff.\nCashier: Not a problem, sir. [takes out a hamster from behind the counter] If you could just press the N0 button and tell the little hamster he's not going to college. Just look him right in the eye, sir, and say \"Not today, buddy.\"\nRandy: Actually, my big fundraising gala is helping put hamsters through college too.\nCashier: [Excited] Oh, really? Wow. Did you hear that, Banjo? You've got support. [puts the hamster back behind the counter] Well, you have a nice day sir. [hands Randy his receipt] And thank so much for being so generous.\nRandy: You're welcome. [takes his groceries, but has no bag to put them in. He doesn't mind]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Davíd and Kenny walk along when Cartman interrupts them.\nCartman: Hey, Kyle. You wanna see what people said about my dick pic? Everyone's pretty stoked on it.\nKyle: There's more than two people on the Internet.\nButters: The man! The man the man the man the man! [runs around the corner completely naked] The man he's gonna get me! He shadows me everywhere! [stops another student and gets in his face] Do you see the man?!\nKyle: [turns him around] Butters, what are you doing?! [the other student leaves]\nButters: Well, he's gonna get me!\nKyle: Dude, Butters, you're seeing things! Sifting through all the horrible stuff people say on the Internet is making you lose it!\nButters: [breaks free and runs off] The world is darkness! The man is coming!\nStan: Dude, Butters! [he and Kyle give chase. Butters goes up a flight of stairs]\nButters: Aaaaa! Aaaaa!\nScene Description: Kindergarten, day. The teacher quizzes the kids on a story\nTeacher: And what color is the little ball the kittens are playing with?\nButters: [runs into the classroom] Run for your lives, you little fuckers, the man is coming! [the kids scream as Kyle enters the room. Stan, Davíd and Kenny follow him in]\nKyle: Butters, listen to my voice.\nButters: The man is gonna get me if I don't stop!\nKyle: Then stop, dude! Butters, all this isn't worth it. Just. Take, the detention, dude.\nButters: [thinks a moment and jumps through a glass window on the second floor] YEEAAAAAGGHH! [hits the snow hard]\nScene Description: South Park Community Center, Night, Shameless America Charity Event. Guests arrive in limousines. Gerald steps out of one and goes inside. Randy is hosting. Fanfare plays\nRandy: Alright everyone, thanks for coming to help raise money to stop shaming, and put hamsters through college.\nGuest: What'd he say?\nRandy: And now, a woman who knows about shaming firsthand, supermodel Gigi Hadid.\nGigi: Alright, everyone enjoying themselves? How's that filet mignon? [approving comments all around] You know, we're all here for a really important reason. Because everyone should-\nStephen: Randy, Randy, we've got a problem.\nRandy: What?\nStephen: Reality's here. He's trying to crash the party.\nRandy: Reality? Who let him in? Shit! [leaves to face him]\nReality: [making a nuisance of himself at a table, spills a glass of wine] Woo, nice wine, huh? What do you think of that? [tips another glass over] You know what I think of your pretty flowers? [grabs the centerpiece bouquet and throws it to the ground, then dumps a guest's dinner on his lap] There you go. How do you like that? [Randy and Stephen arrive]\nRandy: Alright buddy, let's go.\nReality: I shit on all of you!\nRandy: Seagal?! [Steven Seagal approaches with gun drawn and aimed at Reality]\nReality: [to Seagal, Randy, and three guests] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [jumps over the table and rushes the stage, then grabs the mic from Gigi Hadid] Give me that, you stupid bitch! [she walks off] What a lovely charity event. I suppose you're all feeling pretty good about yourselves, hm? What have you done? You've raised $300 by spending half a million on filet mignon and crystal glasses. [crowd is silenced and ashamed at themselves] Look at you, Vin Dipshit. You think fat-shaming is wrong, so in response you show off your abs. You're the one fat-shaming, idiot! What's the matter with you people?! You're saaad that people are meeean? Well I'm sorry, the world isn't one big liberal arts college campus! We eat too much; we take our spoiled lives for granted, feel a little bad about it sometimes! No, you wanna put up all your shit on the Internet and have every single person say \"Hooray for you!\" Fuck you. You're all pricks. And I've got news for you! While you've all been sitting here trying to feel good, the little boy who sucked all your shit is about to die from it!\nSeagal: What?\nScene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, later. Butters is in a recovery room with tubes going into him and wires attached to him. Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel are there with the plus-sized models, Demi Lovato, Gigi Hadid, PC Principal, Stephen, and others\nDemi Lovato: Oh my God. What have we done?\nSeagal: Jesus, I d-I didn't even think.\nPC Principal: I guess... I asked too much of one kid.\nRandy: Listen, everybody. [the group splits in two so the camera can see him] I think there's a way to try and make this right for everyone.\nScene Description: A third commercial. We're back in the poor community. \"Amazing Grace\" plays with an organ, and a choir joins in later\nRandy: To date, Shameless America has raised over $40,000. With that money, we are putting more and more iPads into these people's hands. [all the kids look at the iPads, not sure what to do with them] With iPads, these people can finally help more Americans get rid of negativity on their social media. [Jojo returns with an iPad, handing it to Randy] Oh, thanks Jojo. I'm shame-free now, and you can be too. For just $1 a day, one of these beautiful children will protect you from trolls and make your Internet a safe space. [a screen pops up with \"We won't rest until America is #completelyshameless\"] We won't rest until America is completely shameless. The world can be brutal, but Shameless America is going to continue to take steps to make sure everyone has a safe space... forever.\nScene Description: South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set for a hanging. Reality has a noose around his neck, and Butters is set to be the executioner. Butters is out of the hospital with a head brace and a crutch\nButters: Are you sure this is a good idea?\nRandy: Uh huh. [Butters pulls the lever and the trap door opens underneath Reality, making him drop and hang. After some choking, Reality dies and the crowd erupts in cheers]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is once again addressing the students in the gym.\nPC Principal: Alright, everyone, listen up. [Wendy reads through some cue cards at the podium. Behind her is a projection screen showing the text, \"Celebrate our Asian-American STUDENTS!\"] Today we're going to be showing you some art from our Asian-American students-DAMMIT, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE-HOLE! [Leslie is shown, but she's confused, as she's not talking to anyone.] from our Asian-American students presented by our student-body president, Wendy Testaburger.\nWendy: Hey, guys. As you know, we have several new students here at South Park Elementary. We have been getting to know some of the Asian girls who have introduced us to an art style called \"yaoi.\" [On the projection screen, the text reads \"YAOI\" and below it, in Japanese text, \"BOIZU RABU\" (Boys Love), with a pink platycodon in the background. Oriental music begins to play as Wendy cycles through yaoi images on the screen.] Yaoi is a blend of emotion and beauty involving two people whose love is looked down upon. The art tries to show that all love is magical, like in Lisa Akimoto's piece, \"Tweek and Craig - Forbidden Love.\" [Tweek and Craig in a French kiss.]\nGirls: Awwww.\nTweek: What?\nWendy: Kelly Zhou goes a bit more whimsical with \"Craig and Tweek: Moonlight Dance.\" [Tweek wears a pink bow in his hair and is wrapped in a pink ribbon while Craig stands behind him looking down at his face.]\nGirls: Awwww.\nCraig: Dude, what the fuck?\nWendy: In yaoi art, the seme, or \"top\", is usually dominating the uke, or \"bottom\", as demonstrated in Heather Nishimura's \"Boizu Rabu.\" [Craig reaching down into Tweek's briefs as Tweek reaches up to stroke Craig's head]\nGirls: Awwww. [Stan and Kyle look at each other]\nWendy: But yaoi can branch out to other things as well...\nCartman: Uh oh.\nWendy: ...as we see here in \"Lily, Frog, Tweek and Craig.\" [Tweek is on his back with only an unbutton shirt and looking away, while Craig is on top of him pinning him down and looking into his eyes. Above them is a lily flower and frog.]\nScene Description: The hallway, after the assembly. Shown are David, Token, Stan, Butters, still in his head brace, Kyle, Kenny, and Jimmy, standing in a semi-circle.\nStan: I just don't get it. I mean, Tweek and Craig aren't gay. Right?\nKyle: [questioning, seeking confirmation] No. We would know.\nButters: Well, but then why would Asian girls draw them like that?\nJimmy: Yeah, what is this yaoi thing all about? I am so c-c-c-confused.\nStan: And if it can happen to Tweek and Craig... could it happen to any of us?\nScene Description: The school lobby. Eight Asian girls sit on the steps drawing. Craig sees them and approaches them\nCraig: Uhh, excuse me, why are you doing this?? [holds up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it]\nGirl 1: \"Oh, hi, Craig. 오늘 다른 셔츠 입었네. (He's wearing a different shirt today.) [looks at the girl on her right and addresses her]\nGirl 2: 잠바 밑에 어떻게 알아? (How do you know what's underneath his jacket?)\nCraig: What? Well what did she say?\nGirl 3: I don't know, that was Korean. I'm Japanese.\nTweek: [Over caffeinated] What is going on, huh? Huh? Me and him aren't together. Why is this happening?!\nGirl 1: [girl 1 addresses the girl to her left] 지금 크렉이 같이 있어줘야 하는데\". [(Craig should be along with Tweek.)]\nTweek: Everyone thinks I'm gay! What if my parents find out! Huh!\nScene Description: PC Principal's Office. Craig and Tweek are seated across from PC Principal and Mr. Mackey\nPC Principal: Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flyin' around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.\nCraig: Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?\nPC Principal: What's wrong with being gay? Nothin' wrong with that.\nCraig: But we aren't! I'm not!\nTweek: I'm not either!\nPC Principal: That is completely irrelevant! Okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.\nTweek: What's that?\nPC Principal: IF there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.\nTweek: Gah!\nPC Principal: Now in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?\nCraig: But I'm not gay!\nPC Principal: I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if, and I'm only saying if, at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you can't just go grabbin' for it. Alright? You need to say something like \"Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?\" Okay? Let's try it out.\nTweek: NO!\nPC Principal: You want two weeks' detention instead?! This shit's important!\nTweek: Craig, can I touch your penis?\nPC Principal: Okay, good. Now, Craig, you might say \"You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that.\". [Craig isn't happy with that line and waits for more] Or of course you could say \"No, you may not touch my penis at this time.\".\nCraig: No, you may not!\nPC Principal: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Now, Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy looks inside the fridge for something to drink. He gets a bottle of gluten-free PBR. Sharon walks up to him\nSharon: Randy, you should have a talk with Stan.\nRandy: For what?\nSharon: I guess something happened at school today involving two of Stan's friends,.. being gay?\nRandy: What?\nSharon: Yeah. Stan seems really perplexed.\nRandy: Wow. Our town has only had a Whole Foods for three weeks and we already have our first gay kids. So cool. [smiles to himself]\nSharon: Go talk to him, Randy, and be delicate.\nScene Description: Stan's room, afternoon. Randy knocks on the open door softly, then walks in.\nRandy: Hey, bud. How's it hangin'? [sits on the bed next to Stan]\nStan: I'm confused, Dad. There was this thing at school.\nRandy: Well, guess what? You've got a really progressive PC dad who knows all about this stuff, okay? Go ahead, ask me anything.\nStan: I just don't understand how it's decided.\nRandy: Ah, well, you see, it's a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences.\nStan: No, I mean, like, what makes the Asians decide who they're gonna make gay?\nRandy: [confused] The Asians? The Asians decide who's going to be gay? [feigns knowing, playing it off] Uh are y-, yeah, yeah they do. Uh, the Asians just, you know, the Asians pick who they pick, and um, it's al- it's, the way it's always been.\nStan: So you've heard of yaoi?\nRandy: [embarrassed, playing it off] Yeah, of course. Yaoi, anal intercourse, Maui Zaui, I, I know all this stuff, Stan.\nScene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day, Whole Foods. Gerald and Sheila run into Thomas in the store.\nGerald: Oh, hey, Thomas! Hey, we heard about Craig. We think it's just terrific.\nThomas: [turns around] What about Craig? [Stephen comes up behind him]\nStephen: Thomas! I'm so glad that Craig is finally happy. [aloud to the other shoppers] Hey, it's Craig's dad, everybody. [shoppers around the store clap]\nScene Description: The Tweek house. Tweek and his parents are having dinner. Tweek is twitching quite a bit and Richard notices\nRichard: Tweek's out of coffee, honey.\nMrs. Tweek: Oh, here you go, kiddo. [fills Tweek's cup]\nRichard: Tweek, is there anything you want to talk to us about?\nTweek: No.\nRichard: [slowly] Well, we heard that you're gay. And I want you to know we've never been so proud of you.\nTweek: Oh God. [lets his head hit the table, smashing into all of his food]\nRichard: We thought you were just a spaz, but to know that you've got so much going on inside.\nMom: We're so proud of you, Tweek.\nTweek: AAaaagh!\nRichard: Knowing what I know now, I'm gonna be a much better dad to you. In fact, I just, I just want to give you some money, Tweek. [pulls out his wallet and then some bills] Can I give you some money? [Tweek looks up with mashed potatoes covering parts of his face] Here, I I love you so much, son. [hands Tweek the bills]\nScene Description: \"The Book of Love\" begins to play, and here's the montage: Tweek stares at the ceiling while in bed. So does Craig. Neither of them can sleep. Nor can Stan, and he rolls from one side to the other. Next day, one of the Asian girls is drawing. Next night, Thomas can't sleep. Following day Craig walks along and sees Tweek, who is looking at a wall. They look at each other, then at the wall, which turns out to be on one side of the school. On the wall is a large mural of Craig and Tweek in embrace. They turn around, then walk their separate ways. Next is an outdoor art fair at the Whole Foods parking lot with art from the Asian girls at school. All of it is of Craig and Tweek in various poses. The Broflovski's and Marshes are enjoying it. The Stotch's buy a print. Mayor McDaniel's leafs through a bunch of Tweek x Craig pictures she has in a folder, then she looks at a picture of a man with a mustache. She smiles at it. Next is more fan art of Craig and Tweek, and finally we get to Cartman in bed\nCartman: [thinking] Dude, Tweek and Craig. It's just so weird. If they've been gay this whole time, have they been checking me out? I'm pretty sure Craig has seen my wiener. Should I kick his ass?\nCupid Me: [flits in out of nowhere] Aw, come on. What's wrong with two guys liking each other?\nCartman: I just don't understand it, Cupid Me. Wanting to like, kiss a dude?\nCupid Me: But if love is love, then it takes form in all shapes and sizes. Teehee.\nCartman: I guess, just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I shouldn't support it. Alright. Maybe you can help them along.\nCupid Me: Really? Can I?\nCartman: Yes, Cupid Me. Make it quick, and don't let anyone see you.\nCupid Me: Oh thank you! I won't! [floats out and away, giggling all the while.]\nScene Description: Craig's room. Craig is sound asleep, wearing his cap. Cupid Me flits in\nCupid Me: You just need a little spark of magic. [shoots an arrow into Craig's head.] And now I'm gonna pee in your mouth. [does so and giggles] Love is in the air. [squeezes a last bit of pee out]\nScene Description: Cartman's bathroom. Cartman is on the toilet doing something on his phone. Cupid Me returns.\nCartman: Did you do it, Cupid-Me?\nCupid Me: I hit him with my love arrow, and then I peed in his mouth just for fun.\nCartman: [laughs] That's awesome! [chuckles as Cupid-Me flits to his left side] That's so sweet.\nCupid Me: I thought you might like that.\nCartman: Yeah, dude. You're hilarious.\nCupid Me: And do you think I'm cute, too? 'Cause I think you're kind of cute.\nCartman: [his smile vanishes] Stop that, Cupid Me. I told you I'm not homosexual, okay? It's not funny.\nCupid Me: Oh, well, at least Tweek and Craig are in love now. [flits away]\nCartman: Yep. School tomorrow should be really interesting.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Stan is talking to Kyle, who is switching out books in his locker.\nStan: And so my dad talked to me about it.\nKyle: Yeah?\nStan: And my dad said that Asians have always done this, and they, like, do make people gay.\nCartman: [runs up to them] You guys! You guys, hurry!\nKyle: What?\nCartman: It's, It's Tweek and Craig, dude! They're about to have sex! [runs off. Stan and Kyle follow.]\nScene Description: At the intersection of two hallways, a crowd has gathered around Tweek and Craig.\nCraig: Got a fuckin' problem, man?! [pushes Tweek back]\nTweek: You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [pushes Craig back]\nCraig: I told you to stay a hundred yards from me!\nTweek: You'd better not fuckin' push me again, man!\nCartman: Oh-ho come on, you guys. Get a room. [Craig and Tweek start fighting. Soon Cartman grabs onto Kevin for support]\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's got the phone receiver in one hand, a hand grip in the other\nPC Principal: Hello, Mr. Tucker. I need to inform you that your son was in an altercation at school today.\nThomas: [at his office.] Craig? Craig got in a fight? [grins]\nPC Principal: Yes, with his boyfriend. Just a lovers' quarrel, probably. [Craig and Tweek are seated opposite]\nCraig: Goddammit!\nPC Principal: Something to be expected in relationships. Apparently there were no affirmative consent issues, as your son knows the right way to play with another boy's penis.\nThomas: Oh God!... [facepalm]\nPC Principal: There's not gonna be any disciplinary action since they are gay. We wanna be supportive, so we're just gonna send them on home with some money, alright? Alright, you have a nice day.\nThomas: Money?\nScene Description: The Forbidden City, China, day. A woman walks into an office and addresses someone in there. The camera pans left to show the president of the People's Republic of China, Xi Jinping. Apparently, it's a call for him, and he answers his phone\nXi Jinping: Wei? Ni hao [(Hello? Who is there?)]\nRandy: [on the other end, in his study] Uh, hi, Mr. Jinping. Thanks for taking my call, I was... just wondering if you could shed some light on how your people decide who will be gay and who will be straight.\nXi Jinping: What?\nRandy: [sighs] I'm sorry, I-I don't speak Asian, but... um, oh uh, oh, y-yao, yaoi. Yaoi, yes? Boizu rabu. Huh, how does that work?\nXi Jinping: That-a come from-a Japan.\nRandy: Oh, it's Japan that decides? [Stan walks into the study.] How the hell do they actually make people geh-? [notices Stan] Aaaa-a-ah, Japan. Of course, is who does the yaoi to make people gay.\nXi Jinping: They are dogs! [pounds his desk with his left fist] who refused, and not apologized, to the Chinese republic!\nRandy: Uh huh, yes, that of course I do already know about homosexuality.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman is browsing the Web on his phone. The doorbell rings and Liane goes to the front door to answer it\nDelivery man: Hi, flower delivery for Eric Cartman? [Cartman hears this and looks over]\nLiane: Oh my, how beautiful. [signs for the flowers and takes them to Cartman] Oh, look, sweetie, someone sent you flowers.\nCartman: [sets his phone down, takes the bouquet, and reads the attached note.] \"Can't we just try? Tee Hee.\" Oh man.\nLiane: Who are they from, hon?\nCartman: Someone who needs a real talking to.\nScene Description: At the buffet restaurant. Cartman and Cupid Me are in a booth\nCartman: Look, it's flattering, okay? But it doesn't change the fact that there's nothing here for you to keep pursuing.\nCupid Me: Teeheehee. Aw, come on, let's be like Tweek and Craig. Everyone thinks they're kewl.\nCartman: You are wasting your time. I'm not attracted to guys.\nCupid Me: But I'm so attracted to you.\nCartman: I realize that, but I'm sorry. I need you to stop bothering me. [the smile leaves Cupid Me's face. Cartman's voice gets quieter] This... is done. I'm just not a homosexual. [dejected, Cupid Me goes limp in mid-air.]\nScene Description: The Tweek house, day. The doorbell rings and Richard goes to answer it. Craig is just outside.\nRichard: Well, hello Craig. Honey, it's Craig.\nMom: Awww, hi Craig.\nCraig: Is Tweek home?\nRichard: He sure is. Come on in. [holds the door open for Craig. From his house, Randy gives Richard a thumbs up. Richard returns the gesture and closes the door, then joins Mrs. Tweek and Craig in the middle of the living room] Would you like to have some coffee, Craig?\nCraig: No, thank you, I just want to see Tweek.\nMom: Awww.\nRichard: Tweek's just up in his room playing. You can go on up. [Craig starts going upstairs] Oh, uh, but keep the door open, alright? [Craig gets mad at the insinuation. Richard says to his wife] They're so gay.\nScene Description: Tweek's room, moments later. Tweek is trying to put some Lego's together, but it's frustrating for him. He drinks more coffee. Craig enters the room.\nCraig: Hey dude. [this makes Tweek spit out his coffee, and he gets off his chair]\nTweek: No, no! What are you doing here? [keeps his distance]\nCraig: Tweek, calm down. We have to put a stop to this.\nTweek: There's no stopping it! The whole world wants me to be something I'm not!\nCraig: Me too, dude! But there's something we can do.\nTweek: What??\nCraig: We have to come out and say we're gay.\nTweek: What?! Are you insane?! The way everyone-!\nCraig: Wait. Wait! Because if we're gay, we can break up. And if we break up, no more pictures! We just have to stage a fake breakup in front of the Asian girls.\nTweek: Like acting? No man, that is way too much pressure! I'll fail-\nCraig: You can do it, Tweek! You're capable of more than you think.\nTweek: Agh. I'm a terrible actor.\nCraig: You just follow my lead, and try and make it believable, okay?\nTweek: Oh gah-okay. Oh God!\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Thomas Tucker is at the bar with Skeeter and Darryl Weathers.\nThomas: What did I do wrong, huh? Everyone's so damned happy, but... but why did this have to happen to my son?! What did I do to make my son like this?\nRandy: Hey, hey, whoa, you didn't do anything.\nThomas: Oh, what? You know about this?\nRandy: Yeah, let me handle thisk guys, I'm PC. Look, Thomas, you need to understand that being gay isn't a decision. You know, a lot of people think that Asians decide who's gay and who's not. But it isn't all Asians, it's just specifically the Japanese, okay?\nThomas: What?\nRandy: [turns around] Why do the Japanese make some people gay and others not? [turns around again] Well, it all goes back to World War II, and atrocities that happened in China called the Rape of Don King.\nSkeeter: Hey, you sure know a lot about this.\nRandy: Yes I do.\nScene Description: The school hallway, at that moment. The same seven boys are gathered there again\nKyle: No, dude, I looked it up. Yaoi is just an art style for girls by girls because they like fictionalizing two guys in a relationship.\nStan: But why?\nKyle: I don't know. But the point is, there's nothing about it that means Tweek and Craig are actually gay, at all.\nScene Description: The school lobby, later. The Asian girls are back on the steps, and three of them are smiling. Tweek walks past them and stops when he hears someone calling him\nCraig: Hey, Tweek! Hold up. Listen, it's just not going to work. [the smiles vanish]\nTweek: What? Why not? [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Davíd, and Butters arrive]\nCraig: I'm sorry, Tweek, but we can't lie to ourselves anymore. [turns to face the gathering crowd of kids] Yes, we are gay, but we do not belong together.\nTweek: We don't belong together? What suddenly changed, Craig?\nCraig: It's just that people are different. That's all.\nTweek: Uh huh. And who the hell is Michael?! Huh?! You wanna tell me that?! [jaws begin to drop]\nCraig: What? What are you, what are you talking about?\nTweek: I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig! I saw your texts to Michael about hooking up with him!\nCraig: Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.\nTweek: Oh, it's not?\nCraig: No. [tries to get Tweek back on track] Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.\nTweek: Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?\nCraig: Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.\nTweek: [tears up, voice cracks] Noho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!\nCraig: [tries again] You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.\nTweek: Agh-I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?\nCraig: This wasn't part of the plan!\nTweek: Well, guess what, Craig! Love doesn't follow a plan!\nButters: Yeah!\nTweek: [tears fill his eyes] I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes. [walks away. Before he goes off screen, he breaks out in a big grin.]\nWendy: [steps forward to Tweek's spot] Tweek. [glares at Craig, then follows Tweek concerned. Craig looks at the other kids, who glare at him and walk away. The Asian girls even leave their drawing tools behind]\nCraig: Dude, seriously? Seriously?\nScene Description: \"Say Something\" begins to play. A rainy-day montage begins. First, the Tucker house. Laura is on the phone.\nLaura: They... they broke up? [Thomas turns around and smiles at the news. He notices Craig walking up to the front door, head down, and lets him in. He notices Craig's mood and his smile disappears.]\nScene Description: The montage continues. The mural on the side of the school begins to smear. An Asian girl cries as she draws something new - Tweek and Craig with their backs to each other, with some distance between them. Tweek walks through the hallway grinning at first, but his smile vanishes when he notices how sad the other kids look. The outdoor art fair is still open on a rainy day. Most of the art now has an angry Craig and a dejected Tweek on it. One piece has Craig talking to a new boy while Tweek looks in from outside, and another has Craig pushing pins into a Tweek plush as if it were a voodoo doll. Next, Cupid Me looks in from outside as Cartman is asleep in bed. Cupid Me flits away. Gerald and Sheila replace a happy Craig x Tweek painting with a breakup one. Stan is shown sad on his bed, while Sharon is shown sad in the kitchen. Randy appears at the doorway and opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it and walks away. Mayor McDaniels is at her husband's grave. Richard Tweek is crying at the dining room table and his wife tries to console him. Tweek picks in from the kitchen\nScene Description: Ruffians Gay Bar, day. Some men are playing pool, two others chat next to the jukebox. Cartman walks in, scans the room, and walks up to the bar\nCartman: What are you doing? This place isn't you. [Cupid Me is shown, with a mug of beer an empty scotch glass, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts.]\nCupid Me: I'm just here to pick up on guys. Why? are you jealous?\nCartman: No I'm not. I'm here because we need you right now.\nCupid Me: Oh, now you need me, huh? Fuck you, dude.\nCartman: Fuck you.\nMan 1: What is that kid doing here?\nMan 2: He's just kind of talking to himself.\nCartman: The whole town is sad. Cupid Me, you have to help.\nCupid Me: Well, I guess I could try now, in return for just... one date?\nCartman: [hushed shouting] I'm not homosexual!\nCupid Me: Then I guess I'm not interested.\nCartman: Ugh. Alright, one date. But only if you help get Tweek and Craig back together.\nCupid Me: Teeheehee! Teeheeheeheehee!\nBartender: Hey, kid, what do you think you're doing here?\nCartman: Oh, hey, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa. I'm not here for me, I'm here for my friend, okay? [the bartender doesn't see any friend with him]\nScene Description: The Tucker house, day. The doorbell rings and Thomas arrives to answer it. Tweek is just outside\nTweek: Hi, is Craig here, sir?\nThomas: Why can't you quit him? [begins to close the door-]\nLaura: Thomas!\nThomas: [lets Tweek in] Five minutes. He's in the back. [Tweek goes on in and goes out the sliding door in back. Craig is working on his bicycle.]\nTweek: Hey, dude.\nCraig: What do you want?\nTweek: I thought when we broke up everything would get better. I was thinking maybe we should say we're back together.\nCraig: Dude, I'm not gay and neither are you!\nTweek: What does that have to do with anything?\nCraig: You think you can just pull that shit you pulled at school, saying I step on people and use them?! And I'll just take you back?\nTweek: You said to make it seem real.\nCraig: Not that real! Now everyone thinks I'm a manipulative cheater! I'll never get any chicks!\nTweek: I'm so sorry, Craig. You, you made me believe in myself in a way I never have before. I didn't think I had any of that in me, but... you were right. I can do more than I think. You... changed something in me and I just... I wanna fix whatever's hurting you now. [Thomas, who's been looking out the window, begins to cry]\nCraig: I can't be something because everyone wants me to be. I have to be myself. You'll just have to go be gay with someone else.\nTweek: Alright Craig. Alright. [turns left and walks away]\nScene Description: The Tucker House\nThomas: I can see how much they're both hurting, but... Can't you understand that in my time we just didn't accept this? [rests his head on his left hand] Maybe it's not so wrong, I, I just don't want it to be my son. [Cupid Me flits in and giggles]\nCupid Me: You just need a little prick of magic. [shoots an arrow into Thomas' head] And I'll pee in your mouth a little bit. [follows through]\nThomas: Then again, he's my son no matter what. I can't just shut down on him.\nCupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teeheeheehee. [flits away. Moments later, Thomas shows up at Craig's bedroom door. Craig is on his bed, sad]\nThomas: [enters] Son, you need to listen to me. [sits down on the bed] You can't fight being gay. I used to think that being gay was a choice, but, you don't get to decide. Japan picks who they pick, and that's that. I don't understand this stuff. Heck, I didn't even know Don King got raped, but... I do know that if you try and resist it, you make yourself miserable your whole life. Everyone was so proud of you, Ah I was just being selfish. I wanna be proud of you too. I like gay Craig. I love you. Here's a hundred dollars. [puts the bill in Craig's hand and walks out the door]\nScene Description: Shi Tpa Town. Soft piano music plays in the background. Tweek walks with his head down near City Wok. Eventually he and Craig cross paths. They both stop and look at each other. Craig then turns towards the same direction that Tweek is facing and extends his left hand out. After some hesitation, Tweek takes his hand and they walk in the same direction. They eventually walk past Whole Foods where Randy and Mr. and Mrs. Testaburger notice them and cheer them on.\nJapanese singer: Maybe we should go away. Put cares aside for just a day.\nScene Description: At the crosswalk in front of Dee's Meats, Tweek and Craig continue holding hands as they enter the crosswalk. Token is shocked while his parents as well as The Stotches look on with a smile and approval\nScene Description: Brofloski residence. Gerald and Sheila meet in front of a painting of Tweek and Craig, and hold hands\nJapanese singer: The world we face is a-not so big. Not if we are strong like Tweek and Craig.\nScene Description: Marsh residence, kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes. Randy comes up behind her and gives her a bouquet of flowers. In the background, the sound of drums now accompany the piano.\nJapanese singer: Hontou ni sakana ga oishii [\"The fish is really delicious\"]\nScene Description: Footage of Assassin's Creed Syndicate is shown on a television set. Craig is playing the video game while Tweek is next to him on the couch and talking.\nJapanese singer: Let's go back to when it was new. Weren't we such happy peopleru?\nScene Description: Outside the house, several adults look through a window and smile at Craig and Tweek as they continue to play and talk\nJapanese singer: Life was simple, problems vague.\nScene Description: City Hall. The Mayor is at her desk. She looks at a picture frame of her deceased husband, then holds it against her chest.\nJapanese Singer: We had it all, a lot like Tweek and Craig.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Heads turn as Craig and Tweek walk through the hallways hand in hand. Stan, Kyle and Butters are visibly shocked, while Leslie Meyers smiles at the couple.\nScene Description: Akihabara, Japan, evening. A view of the evening sky and neon lit buildings is shown. Inside a karaoke bar, the Japanese singer is revealed to be a businessman, who is singing on a stage in front of other office workers. Behind him are monitors showing live action footage of Tweek and Craig, with Craig offering Tweek some flowers. The lyrics are shown below at the bottom of the screen\nJapanese singer: And in the darkness we all seek A perfect love like Craig and Tweek.\nScene Description: Live action footage of Tweek and Craig is shown on screen. They are walking around, hand in hand, in a field. They pull each other in and eventually hug. Then, they sit on a tree branch, with Tweek resting his head on Craig's shoulder. The lyrics are shown at the bottom of the screen in karaoke style\nJapanese singer: We must fight or love's a goner. We must hold Tweek and Craig with the...[music stops]\nScene Description: Tucker residence. An overhead shot of Thomas and Laura asleep on their bed. He is suddenly awoken by the sound of the Japanese singer yelling in Japanese and looks around the room\nJapanese singer: ...highest honor! Ganbarou! [\"Let's give it our all!\"] Irasshai! [\"Welcome!\"]\nScene Description: China. Xi Jinping is sitting at his desk and smiling at his female secretary. Suddenly, he gets up and they passionately kiss. The piano music resumes.\nJapanese singer: I hope you know when you are down\nScene Description: Stotch residence, Butter's bedroom. Butters is at his computer, Skyping with Charlotte\nJapanese singer: That you turned my life around. Just like the quote from Shakespeare said\nScene Description: Cartman residence, Eric's room. The camera slowly pans down to a naked Eric laying down on his stomach atop of his bed.\nJapanese singer: I'm your Tweek, [slowing] and you're my Craig.\nCartman: [in bed, moaning in a rhythmic fashion] Okay, okay, the date's almost over.\nCupid Me: [pops up behind Cartman] Teeheehee. Aren't you liking your massage?\nCartman: It's fine. It just doesn't really do anything for me.\nCupid Me: Well, I've got something you might like a little better. [goes back behind Cartman... and under...]\nCartman: Cu- Cupid Me, no! No, I'm straight!\nCupid Me: Teeheeheehee!\nCartman: Cupid Me, what are you doing?! Oh my God! [next, he's in the bathroom. Liane walks past, but stops to listen in] Oh Cupid Me, that's enough! Okay, that's it, Cupid Me! That's it! [Liane opens the door and sees Cartman masturbating furiously on the toilet] That's it, Cupid Me. Okay, that's it. That's it, Cupid Me. [Liane closes the door]\nLiane: Awww."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. Two police officers are patrolling the town in their vehicle\nSgt. Yates: Attention all units in the vicinity of South Park Elementary! [the officers pay attention] We have a code red! [units begin showing up] Principal calling for help during school assembly! All officers needed at once!\nOfficer Barbrady: [in his patrol car eating a sub sandwich and drinking soda] The school? [puts down his food and starts the motor] Oh Jeez Louise! [turns his siren on and drives off. More units arrive at the school, even heavily-armed SWAT officers. They all arm themselves. Barbrady runs into one of the other cars]\nSgt. Yates: [to the assembled officers] We need to get to the gym! Half go this way, half go around the side! Barbrady, you go around back! [the officers disperse. Barbrady goes into the school and finds empty hallways. He stops for a moment and one can hear him pant. He barges into the Fourth Grade classroom and finds it deserted. He goes through the school lobby and finds no one.]\nOfficer 1: On 3 1... 2... [Instead of getting to 3, the officers enter the gym with their weapons drawn. More cops enter from the other end.]\nPC Principal: There she is, officers, right there. I told you to stop chatting with your friend, didn't I, Leslie? You [Leslie looks at him, bewildered] see, officers, apparently Leslie thinks that talking to her friends is more important than learning about diversity in third-world countries. [pulls out a laser pen light and lights Leslie up with it.] That one. That's her right there. You remove her from my school.\nBarbrady: [barges into the gym] Whoa! Nobody move! What's happening?\nPC Principal: Get her out of here! [the light from his pointer falls upon Barbrady]\nBarbrady: Oh, they've got me! [reflexively fires a shot, which hits a boy on the right shoulder]\nBoy: AAAAAH!\nPC Principal: Waaaah!\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, later. The Mayor, her aides, and two other people\nMayor McDaniels: This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady! People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions!\nBarbrady: Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman, or a bomb-\nMayor McDaniels: You shot an unarmed six year old Latino child!\nBarbrady: I'm sorry.\nMayor McDaniels: You're fired.\nBarbrady: No, Mayor, please. This is all I know. I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, ah I used to chase away the sixth graders for you.\nMayor McDaniels: You're from another time, Barbrady. And the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady takes them and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.\nBarbrady: [emotional] No, please, not my sunglasses.\nJohnson: You're done, Barbrady! The town doesn't want you here! [reluctantly, Brabrady takes off his sunglasses and lays them on the table.]\nBarbrady: Where should I go?\nJohnson: You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican!\nMayor McDaniels: Latino-American.\nJohnson: Latino-American. [blinks hard] Shit.\nMayor McDaniels: You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.\nScene Description: SoDoSoPa, at Kenny's house. The mall and construction sites are still there, but the homeless have moved in. Kenny opens the door to take the trash out.\nHomeless man 1: [sleeping upstairs at the abandoned Steed] Aaay, quiet down over there, I'm tryin' to sleep.\nStuart: [steps outside] Goddammit! You people all get out of here!\nHomeless man 2: [sleeping upstairs at \"Bi the garage\"] What makes you in charge? [Karen appears at the living room window]\nStuart: 'Cause this is my fuckin' house!\nHomeless man 3: [kicks a trashcan and walks over to him] Hey beat it, man, or I'll make you my bitch! [Karen screams. Stuart gets Kenny back inside and Karen leaves the window.]\nScene Description: The McCormick living room. Stuart places a call as his family stands to one side watching him.\nStuart: Yeah, we've got a bunch of drunk-addict vagrants trespassing on our yard and we need assistance.\nSgt. Yates: [in his office] Oh, is that so? Well, we'd like to come help you, but we don't wanna get fired.\nStuart: What are you talkin' about? There's homeless people here and they're scarin' my kids! You need to come do somethin' about this!\nSgt. Yates: I see. And are any of these homeless people of a minority persuasion?\nStuart: Why does that matter?\nSgt. Yates: Oh, it matters. See, it used be we could beat up minorities and nobody cared. It's the reason a lot of us joined the force. [lowers the phone a bit] Hey Mitch, you wanna go down and arrest some homeless people but not be able to beat up any minorities?\nMitch: No thank you.\nSgt. Yates: Yeah, no, I think we're good. In fact, we're thinking of maybe turning the whole department into a hula school. Whattaya think?\nStuart: God Dammit! [slams the phone down onto the base unit]\nCarol: What are they doing?\nStuart: They're not coming!\nCarol: But they have to! Karen brought in one of their syringes, for Christ's sake!\nStuart: Well that's just too bad! The cops won't come, so there's nobody to scare the homeless away!\nScene Description: turns around and walks away. Kenny lowers his head and looks down and to the right\nScene Description: Officer Barbrady's apartment. He walks in and sets his sack lunch over the TV, then takes off his jacket and puts it on the coat rack\nBarbrady: Hi, sweetheart. I've uh... I've been let go from the force. I'm so sorry.[an old dog raises its head and lets out a small groan. He walks over to it] Don't worry, old girl. [kneels down next to the dog and starts stroking it] It might be a little tough to afford your medication, but I'll find a way. You know me. I like to help. I like to be needed.\nScene Description: Neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are shooting hoops. Kyle takes a shot and misses. Cartman runs up to them.\nCartman: You guys! Oh my God you guys! You guys, they're gay! [Butters catches up] They're totally gay!\nStan: Who?\nCartman: Kenny and Token.\nKyle: What?\nCartman: Kenny and Token, dude. They're so gay. Butters told me.\nKyle: You're lying.\nCartman: No dude. In those old abandoned buildings around Kenny's house, Kenny and Token turned it into a big ninja clubhouse. And they dress and play ninjas in it trying to scare people away.\nKyle: How is that gay?\nCartman: It's the gayest thing ever dude? Ninjas are fuckin' dumb! Dude, come one! We've gotta go see this!\nButters: Over this way! [they all go have a look]\nScene Description: SoDoSoPa, later. Two ninjas spring into view and go to two posts around the edge of the roof.\nToken: We will defend our ninja honor! [spotting something over a crossbow] Intruders! Protect the base! [the four boys come into view] Hey guys, did you come to see our ninja fortress?\nCartman: [in hushed tones] Oh my God they're so gay you guys.\nStan: You and Kenny built all this?\nToken: Yeah, with Clyde and David too. [Clyde swings into view while David climbs up a rope.]\nClyde: You guys should come and check it out.\nCartman: Ah, no, we're good, thanks. [in hushed tones] Oh my God this is a sausage party!\nClyde: It's pretty cool, dude. People are scared of us.\nCartman: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'm sure they are. [a big truck stops in its tracks.]\nDriver: Hey, excuse me, man, do you know where-? [Arabic music plays and the ninjas began showing off their moves.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Look! AAAAH!\nPassenger: Go, go, go! [the truck takes off. The four boys look on in wonder, Cartman walks into the street. The truck reaches the end of the block and hangs a left, and disappears]\nCartman: That's pretty cool.\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, evening. Skeeter serves up some wine\nGerald: Well the way I heard it was that the girl in the school wasn't even doing anything. Just talking too loud. And someone ends up getting shot.\nSkeeter: Hey! What you want?\nBarkley: It's okay, I'm off duty. Just came in for a nice pinot.\nPatron: Yeah? Well go somewhere else, copper! CtPaTown is for people who care about each other!\nSkeeter: We don't take kindly to folks who impose their authority on the underprivileged!\nBarkley: Now look, not all cops are racist trigger-happy assholes.\nRandy: Really? I'll bet you don't even know what \"farm to table\" means. [Barkley stands there a moment and then walks out, letting the door slam shut. Bar patrons cheer and holler at their success]\nRandy: [steps forward] Wow. We've only had a Whole Foods for a month and already we don't need cops. So cool. [smiles]\nScene Description: SoDoSoPa, day. Token is giving a lesson.\nToken: It is a great honor to see that you all want to be ninjas. Joining our club is very serious. You must promise to uphold the warrior's code. [Butters and Cartman, Stan and Kyle are now dressed as ninjas]\nCartman: Totally dude, ninjas are sweet.\nToken: Together we must strive to make our fortress super bad-ass and keep all intruders out! To that end, let us proceed to our training.\nCartman: [catches up to a ninja] Dude, can I talk to you for a minute? Listen, I don't think we should let Kyle be a ninja, okay? He said ninjas were gay. He's probably gonna try and turn it around on me, but that's 'cause Kyle knows I heard him.\nKyle: You're talking to Kyle right now.\nCartman: Yeah, cool... it's me, Butters.\nKyle: You're the one who said ninjas were gay. Why do you wanna make this a problem?\nCartman: I'm just, I'm just Butters, man. I have problems with lots of things.\nButters: Hey Eric, you wanna try sparring with me?\nCartman: Yes I do, Butters. [kicks him in the nuts and walks away]\nButters: OOF. Ow. Ahem.\nClyde: Intruders! [two homeless men approach the fortress with filled grocery bags]\nHomeless man 4: Yeah, it's right up here. We can shoot up in these abandoned buildings. [the ninjas, eight in all, appear before them and make a show of force. The men begin to confuse them for ISIS, drop their bags, and run away]\nScene Description: A news break\nAnchor: The town of South Park is holding a large protest tonight outside of their police department. The townspeople say the protest is meant to begin a dialog about the relationship between law enforcement and the citizens they are supposed to protect.\nScene Description: A montage begins to \"Fuck the Police\" playing in the background. The protest is shown, with everyone giving the middle finger to the cops. Even Fr. Maxi gives them the finger. Yates and his men look down from their second-story windows. Next, Whole Foods is shown. A shopper spots Officer Stevens and throws his cart right at him. Stevens turns around to see what hit him. The shopper feigns shock, then shrugs his shoulders and turns and walks away. Other shoppers laugh at his prank. Next is (vernacular), where a couple sits al fresco. They watch as Stevens sees his police car, now vandalized with \"I'M A DOUCHE\". Next is Officer Barbrady at home with his aged dog. Next, Sgt. Yates reads the South Park times. Its lead headline: NO TO PIGS! YES TO FREE-RANGE PORK. Next, two officers drive down a street when they spot someone. It's Randy in his bathrobe, standing outside, He shows off his cock and balls as the officers roll by slowly. ShiTpaTown is shown. Barbrady drops into a fast-food restaurant to look for work. The staff there quickly kicks him out. Two homeless men approach SoDoSoPa only to flee when they see the ninja kids swarming the place. Barbrady returns to find an eviction notice taped to his door. Randy reaches Whole Foods for some shopping, but finds a homeless man in his way sleeping on the sidewalk. Then he looks at Whole Foods and sees the parking area filled with homeless people\nScene Description: Channel 4 News segment.\nAnchor: Are your children being lured into terrorist organizations? A shocking report shows that some kids in the town of South Park are swearing loyalty to a murderous regime.\nCartman: Yeah, we're pretty bad-ass, and um, this is, like, our fortress, and you can see it's really cool.\nReporter: And what about this way of life has attracted you?\nButters: We're just cool 'cause we're tough, and we fight and stuff, and we can ah-.\nCartman: Yeah yeah yeah, and it's like, we can do whatever we want, and people are scared of us, it's totally rad!\nStan: Then why'd you say it was gay before?\nCartman: Oh my God! I never said it was gay!\nToken: Wait, he said this was gay?\nCartman: That is a total lie!! Why would I say anything homophobic about the way Tweek and Craig make love?! [points to Stan] He's a lying, backstabbing Jew!\nStan: I'm Stan.\nAnchor: No doubt the growing number of kids swearing loyalty to ISIS could be problematic for the progressive town.\nScene Description: Whole Foods, day. Barbrady takes his place among the homeless, up against an exterior wall.\nBarbrady: [to his dog] Here you go, old girl. We'll just have to make do. [Randy exits the store with some groceries, but fails to notice Barbrady nearby]\nRandy: Ew. [keeps walking]\nHomeless man 5: Spare a dollar?\nRandy: No I don't I'm sorry thank you Goddammit ew. [the Mayor and her aides survey the situation by Skeeter's Bar. Randy sees her and approaches] Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!\nMayor McDaniels: Why are they all suddenly coming here?\nGerald: [arrives with Sheila] Mayor, what are you going to do about this? My wife and I can barely eat or shop.\nMayor McDaniels: When a town like ours has a homeless problem it must look at the root of what's causing it.\nStephen: [arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!\nRandy: What?\nStephen: They're these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over SoDoSoPa, forced all the homeless out!\nGerald: Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?\nStephen: They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!\nScene Description: Jimmy's house. His parents are at the breakfast nook with him.\nRyan: Son, I've always tried to be a fair dad. Eh I I don't want to meh make you angry, but... why?\nJimmy: Well Dad, I just re-really like being a part of something. I feel like it's character-building and it's lots of fun.\nRyan: Fun? But what do you... believe in?\nJimmy: What do we believe in? We believe in something greater than ourselves, and that by following our strict warrior code we believe that our faiths and our traditions are a way to a greater path - the p-p-p-path of the warrior. And as long as we stay united in honor we can defeat all our enemies. [this is beginning to freak Ryan out, so he screams and leaves the table as fast as he can.] Wow, the fellas were right. People are really freaked out by ninjas.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Randy leads the city council to police headquarters on the second floor\nRandy: Okay, we've just gotta be really apologetic and tell them we didn't mean it, okay?\nGerald: Jeez, this is so embarrassing.\nMayor McDaniels: What if they won't help us with the homeless?\nStephen: I'm pretty sure the police will help out if it's because ISIS is taking over the town. [opens the double doors and leads the council in]\nScene Description: Park County Holice Headquarters. The officers inside are all dancing slowly, gracefully, The city council is stunned\nStephen: Officers, there's kids in town who have joined ISIS. We don't know who they are, but they-.\nSgt. Yates: What? What's that, you say?\nMayor McDaniels: The town is in danger, alright? We don't know what these kids are capable of.\nSgt. Yates: Jeez, I'm sorry. We've got to work on our koholo kaloa, and get the lomi lomi chicken ready for the big ho'olao le'ao, which leaves us... oh, not enough time to deal with ISIS.\nRandy: Alright, look. There's homeless people all over our gentrified food and arts district. If you don't stop thewe twisted kids, then-\nSgt. Yates: Hey, who was it that said \"fuck the police\"? Was that Ice Cube? Tupac? Oh, right, that was you guys! Sorry, but I guess you'll have to find somebody else to do all the difficult dirty shit you don't want to do yourselves. I've gotta be ready for the luau. I might even kiss a dude.\nScene Description: Back at SoDoSoPa, the ninjas are going through exercises. Cartman and Butters talk\nCartman: So then, after you told me, we went over to Kyle and Stan when they were playing basketball, remember?\nButters: Yeah?\nCartman: And we said Kenny and Token were playing ninjas, and Kyle said that ninjas were gay, and I said ninjas are gay, but it was a question. You remember?\nButters: Uh I thought you said it first.\nCartman: No nonono, see? Now Kyle got everyone remembering it wrong because he doesn't wanna get kicked out of the group. That's what Jews do when they get caught in a lie. You cannot trust a Jewish ninja, Butters.\nToken: You guys! You guys!\nStan: What?\nToken: Actual Ninjas. Wanna talk to us.\nClyde: What?\nToken: Kenny and I both just got the same email from people overseas.\nCartman: Whoa, dude.\nStan: How's they found out who we were?\nCartman: They're fuckin' ninjas, dude!\nScene Description: At Bi the garage, a computer is set up for video conferencing. An ISIS leader appears on screen.\nISIS leader: So, you are the brave children who have committed to our cause. We are aware of what you are doing and we are very impressed.\nStan: Cool. Thanks, dude.\nISIS leader: What you are doing is very important and we would like to help you however we can. We are going to be wiring you some money.\nButters: Whoa, cool! Why, this is the greatest thing ever you guys!\nCartman: Ah, excuse me. Can I just set the record straight on something?\nISIS leader: Of course.\nCartman: Should Jews be trusted? [no response. A few seconds later...] Uh I mean, if one of us is a Jew, do you see that as being at all problematic?\nISIS leader: Extremely.\nCartman: YES! [dances away] YEEES! [\"Can't Touch This\" begins to play and Cartman does arm waves.] Oh-oh, oh-oh! Oh-oh, oh-oh! What did I tell you guys?\nScene Description: Whole Foods, night. A closeup of Barbrady snoozing\nRandy: [his shadow falls upon ex-Officer Barbrady] Hey Barbrady. [tries to wake him up] Officer Barbrady.\nBarbrady: Uh, who?\nRandy: Hey buddy. [flanking him are the Mayor and her aides, and the Stotches]\nBarbrady: What do you want?\nJohnson: How would you like to be a policeman again?\nBarbrady: I'm no good as a policeman. I'm a bumbling old fool.\nStephen: That is not true! Who said that? Look, Barbrady, the fact is, the town needs you.\nBarbrady: They need me? To do what?\nRandy: We need you to shoot some kids. [smiles]\nBarbrady: No! Shoot kids? I don't wanna shoot kids!\nRandy: Shh! Shhh! Shhhh! These are really bad kids. Terrorists. This is totally different from before.\nBarbrady: No. No. Are any of them minorities?\nAide: A couple of them, we think. Yeah.\nBarbrady: Noo no no no no no no no no!\nMayor McDaniels: Sh, look, look look, Barbrady, Barbrady! We were wrong about you. I... was wrong about you. You... protected this town back before anybody else ever did. You used to do it all on your own. We need you to do that again. [takes out his sunglasses from her inside coat pocket and hands them to him. He puts them on and his sadness disappears]\nRandy: You're the only cop this town needs, Barbrady. Go shoot those kids.\nScene Description: SoDoSoPa, night. The ninjas are still going through exercises, but inside the abandoned Savor The Goodness store. Something is standing next to the punching bags\nCartman: You guys, I know this is hard for all of us. But to truly be ninjas, we must face hard facts. Last night I spoke in private with our ninja leader overseas. We talked a long time about Jews and the Hebrew faith. He told me a lot I didn't know. And I was able to tell him some things he did not know. But after talking with that guy, it is abundantly clear to me that Jews cannot be ninjas. I went to Kyle's house to talk to him about it, and I found this. [pulls out a drawing of two ninjas, one of them having anal sex with the other one] It was then that Kyle confessed to me about how he had brainwashed Butters and Stan into thinking I had used a homophobic slur to refer to our organization. And he almost got away with it. That's when Kyle tried to kill me. Luckily I was the faster ninja. [reveals the, uh, guilty ninja, who's strapped into a chair and his ninja head covering is duck-taped over his face] Kyle knew I would never call ninjas gay. When I take the gag off, he's going to try and tell you that I'm lying now. Do not believe him. Kyle is a liar.\nKyle: I'm right here. [standing between Token and Stan]\nCartman: [looks at the group, then at the bound ninja] Who, who is this?\nStan: That's Clyde.\nCartman: ...and I am Token. Why do I do these things, you ask? Black rage.\nScene Description: Some moments later, Barbrady, now in uniform, makes it to SoDoSoPa and begins looking around. He drops down behind the vandalized station wagon.\nBarbrady: Oh Jesus. ISIS, oh God.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The Marshes are at dinner, except for Stan\nMarvin: This chicken tastes like shit. What'd you do to it?\nRandy: Okay, okay Dad, it's not organic chicken. I'm not comfortable shopping at Whole Foods with all the homeless people there. But don't worry. That's all about to change. Soon we'll all have CtPaTown to enjoy again. Where's Stan?\nSharon: He's playing ninjas over at Kenny's house.\nRandy: Ninjas? That's gay. [remembers the ISIS warriors who took over SoDoSoPa] He's playing ninjas at Kenny's house?\nSharon: Yeah.\nRandy: You mean, SoDoSoPa?\nSharon: Uh huh.\nRandy: [begins to think this over] Wait a minute... Ninjas... [Oriental and Arabic music alternate in his head] ...scary... gay... Scary. Gay. Scary gay scary gay.\nSharon: Randy, what are you doing?\nRandy: Scary gay scary gay scary GAY. [runs out of the dining room] Staaaan!! [Shelly looks back at him]\nScene Description: SoDoSoPa, night. The other ninjas replace Clyde with Cartman on the chair and tie him up.\nCartman: Oh, I get the misunderstanding now. No, see, I told Clyde that Kyle said ninjas were gay, but Clyde thought I was Kyle, so then he was saying that I said ninjas were gay, meaning I as in Kyle.\nKyle: Nobody ever gave a shit, you fat pig!\nToken: All those in favor of Cartman being kicked out of our ninja club?\nNinjas: Hai!\nCartman: No! You CAN'T kick me out! I have to be a ninja! They hate Jews. I was made for this, you guys! Please!\nStan: What shall we do with him? [Barbrady climbs over a wall and quickly reaches the ninjas]\nBarbrady: [draws his gun] Freeze! [the ninjas turn around]\nKyle: Oh shit!\nBarbrady: [trembling in fear] Please, I don't wanna shoot you. [the ninjas back away]\nStan: Cool. Don't.\nBarbrady: Oh ho ho. [groans miserably and waves gun]\nNinjas: Aaahaah. [Cartman shuts his eyes and faces left]\nBarbrady: I understand you feeling angry at this town. I'm getting pretty angry too. But we can't give up on it. Please boys, don't make it end violently.\nRandy: [finds the ninjas and Barbrady] They're just stupid ninjas! [tackles Barbrady, who instinctively fires off a shot. David is struck.]\nDavid: Aaa!\nBarbrady: Aaahaahaaawe!\nScene Description: City Hall, day. The Mayor, Randy, and the city council face Barbrady\nMayor McDaniels: What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja and you pull your gun on them?\nAide: David Rodriguez was lucky to live!\nBarbrady: Everybody told me they were terrorists.\nMayor McDaniels: We thought they were. But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!\nBarbrady: But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.\nRandy: Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said \"Kill some kids?\"\nMayor McDaniels: I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.\nJohnson: Do you even know what \"farm to table\" means? [Barbrady takes off his glasses and lays them on the table.]\nScene Description: Whole Foods, day. The South Park Police Department is back on duty and taking the homeless away from ShiTpaTown\nBarkley: Let's go people, you can't stay here. You are being relocated.\nHomeless man 6: Hey, you can't kick us out of here, man.\nSgt. Yates: Oh no? I'm a cop.\nRandy: Thank you, officers.\nSgt. Yates: We've got a deal, right?\nMayor McDaniels: Yes. [she and Randy turn away and XXX*what do they do*XXX]\nSgt. Yates: Alright you, come on! [punches the homeless man in the face. Other officers take time to abuse the homeless people a little. One officer kicks a homeless man in the balls twice while another officer holds him, then the two officers take him away. A street sweeper rolls by collecting all the homeless who are still sleeping on the street, and even a few who are walking around]\nHomeless man 6: Aaaah!\nHomeless man 7: [being led away by an officer] Please! You can't take me back to SoDoSoPa! ISIS is there!\nOfficer 2: No, those were just ninjas. [they walk past the boys - Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny]\nHomeless man 7: Ninjas? Oh, that's so gay.\nCartman: I told you guys. What did I tell you? I said ninjas are fuckin' gay but you didn't wanna listen, nooo!\nScene Description: An interrogation room. Barbrady sits at a table with his dog to his left. A door opens and Barbrady looks up. An agent walks in with a folder, sits down, and sets the folder on the table\nAgent: Officer Barbrady.\nBarbrady: Yes?\nAgent: We've been watching you. And what we see is a man who truly wants to protect his town.\nBarbrady: You do?\nAgent: You've been in this town longer than almost anyone. Have you noticed... changes... lately?\nBarbrady: Yeah, a lot of changes.\nAgent: They aren't a coincidence, officer. They are all part of a plan to take down your beloved town and everyone in it.\nBarbrady: What?\nAgent: What do you know about a little girl named... [takes out a picture and shows it to Barbrady] Leslie? [with PC Principal pushing her on the swing]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are filing into school. Inside, they go to their lockers and switch out books.\nPC Principal: [off-screen, but you can hear him slamming lockers shut] Who was it?! Somebody's about to get their asses kicked! [a bunch of kids run screen right.] When I find out who did this!\nButters: [runs into view towards the other fourth graders] PC Principal is on the warpath! Run for your lives! [turns right and runs down another hallway]\nStan: [to Kyle] Again?\nKyle: Oh Jesus, now what?\nPC Principal: [appears at screen left and walks towards the fourth graders.] Who was it?! Huh?! Somebody better fess up RIGHT NOW! I'm gonna find out who did this! [Kyle closes his locker and begins to walk away. PC Principal notices] Broflovski! Was it you?\nKyle: Was what me, sir?\nPC Principal: I just saw a copy of the school newspaper in which a student used the word \"retarded\" to refer to our cafeteria lunch policy! The word \"retarded\" does not belong in our school!! Who is in charge of the school paper?! 'Cause I'm about to break their fuckin' legs!\nStan: Aaah, he's in charge of the school paper. [points to his right. PC Principal turns left and faces... Jimmy. PC Principal is speechless.] You gonna break his legs, PC Principal?\nScene Description: Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal faces Jimmy.\nPC Principal: Alright, uhh, I I guess we haven't formally met before. Uhh, the reason I need to talk with you, Jason, is because of a very important-\nJimmy: It's Jimmy, actually. My name is Jimmy, PC Principal.\nPC Principal: Alright, Jim. Thank you. I want to talk to you today about the use of the R word in your school paper. [holds up the paper, on which the subject on the front page is chocolate milk being removed from the school menu, \"LEAVE OUR CHOCOLATE MILK ALONE\"] You see, the 'R' word is very bad.\nJimmy: Says who?\nPC Principal: Says me. Right? Now I know a thing or two about the rights of people with disabilities. When you use the 'R' word to describe the school's lunch policy, it can hurt people's hearts. [places his hand over his heart] Can you understand that at all?\nJimmy: That was an op-ed piece in the paper written by a first grader who found the school lunch policy to be ridiculous, and he thought \"r-retarded\" to be the best word to describe it. As the editor of the paper, I didn't think it was right to censor the words the student used.\nPC Principal: ...Okay, well, from now on I'm gonna need to approve the school paper before you hand it out, okay?\nJimmy: No.\nPC Principal: What'd you say?\nJimmy: You're new here, so you don't understand how seriously I take my job as editor of the school paper. I don't allow ads, and I don't allow anything that might t-t-t-taint the truth behind what people are thinking. i don't want people to be afraid of words if it stops them from having a dialog.\nPC Principal: Look, I don't wanna get angry, okay?\nJimmy: Why? Are you uncomfortable around people with disabilities? That's okay. Lot's of people are.\nPC Principal: No, I'm not. I am very not uncomfortable. Alright, look, unless I can approve your paper, it is not being distributed on campus, you got that?\nJimmy: I can't hand out the school paper in school?\nPC Principal: Not unless it is approved by me. Do you understand?\nJimmy: Yep, got it.\nScene Description: Neighborhood, day. Jimmy went for distributing the school paper outside of school instead of letting PC Principal approve it for in-school distribution. He appears riding a small Thomas the Tank Engine scooter with small trailer behind him that holds all the papers and begins throwing copies of the paper to all the houses\nJimmy: Don't forget to read the school paper! Now delivered directly to your door. [Wendy is the first student to get the paper. Clyde is next] Super School News! [Jimmy smiles and rides away. His seventh delivery is to Butters' house. Stephen opens the door and the paper smacks him in the face. He manages to catch it though. Jimmy goes on to the PC Delta house and tosses a paper there too. A few PC Bros are lounging around outside]\nPC bro 10: What is that, bro? [the front door opens and PC Principal walks out.]\nPC Principal: [picks up the paper, takes off the rubber band, and reads it. The headline there: \"PC PRINCIPAL'S 'RETARDED' POLICY, by Jimmy Valmer]\nJimmy: [holds up his right middle finger at him] S-s-s-suck my dick, PC Principal! [rides away. PC Principal's bros look at the principal.]\nScene Description: Inside PC Delta, later. PC Principal barely contains his anger as he paces about\nPC Principal: Who does this kid think he is?! Challenging me?! I said one micro-aggression to him, okay?! One little micro-aggression! But that doesn't mean I have an unconscious bias towards people with disabilities!\nPC bro 4: No way, bro! That's wack!\nPC Principal: But why would a person with a disability not see that what I'm trying to do is actually protect them?\nPC bro 9: Sometimes victims of oppression are so marginalized that they begin to sympathize with their oppressors.\nPC bro 11: Yeah bro.\nPC Principal: You're right. This kid just needs to be shown he's being an Uncle Abel. I can always count on my PC frat brothers to have my back. Let's go PC!\nPC bros: PC Woo!\nScene Description: The Stotch house, night. Butters' parents are in bed. Stephen is reading the school paper, Linda is looking at her smartphone.\nStephen: Wow. [turns the page] Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. [looks at her] Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? [returns to the paper] Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets the paper down on his laps] It's like I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [he's shown doing this in a vacuum] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Geico. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story. It's a slide show. [for Android phones] And I'm looking at the worst celebrity plastic surgery jobs ever. So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next line, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, and it's following me all over the screen! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slide show, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the top ten scariest movies of all time, and that's not the arrow for the next line, it's another ad! Aaagh! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bullshit. Linda? [sees that she's mesmerized and shakes her] Linda!\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, next day. Jimmy is again in there talking to PC Principal\nPC Principal: Alright Jim, I know you've been trying to wrap your head around some of the social issues he discussed yesterday. I'm sure you're feeling confused and a little unsure of yourself.\nJimmy: I'm not confused at all, actually, PC Principal.\nPC Principal: Okay, well, no, you are confused-\nJimmy: I'm pretty sure that you're the one, but go ahead.\nPC Principal: Because you don't grasp the severity of this, and that's why I brought in another young person with disabilities to share his feelings. Thanks for comin' in to talk to us, Nathan.\nNathan: [takes a seat next to Jimmy] I like apples and bananas.\nPC Principal: Me too, bro, me too. Nathan, could you tell Jimmy how you feel when people uwe the word \"retarded\"?\nNathan: It hurts my feelings because I feel bad.\nJimmy: Are you serious right now?\nPC Principal: You feel bad, right. You feel like that's a no-no word, right?\nNathan: That word makes my heart piss its pants.\nPC Principal: Okay, wow, that's pretty heavy. Pretty heavy, huh Jim?\nJimmy: Do you want to ask him what he means by that, or are you just pandering because you're uncomfortable around disabled people?\nPC Principal: I am not uncomfortable! I simply care about a horrible, outdated word that is exclusive, ignores individuality, and equates intellectual disa-bility with being... [begins to stammer] And it's, and it's, s-spot, I need a spotter, spot me, somebody spot me bro!\nTopher: [steps in and puts PC Principal's train of thought back on track] And it's, it's part of a derogatory hate speech which fosters isolation and loneliness and being part of a voice to stop the R word is not only right, but extremely important!\nNathan: I'm afraid of bears. [Jimmy is decidedly not convinced of PC Principal's sincerity]\nScene Description: The hallway, later. Nathan is let go first and is walking back to class. Jimmy comes around the corner and catches up to him\nJimmy: Hey Nathan, hold up. What were you doing in there?\nNathan: What do you mean, Jimmy? Are you ma-ad?\nJimmy: Come on Nathan, you and I both know you use the word \"retarded\" 400 times a day.\nNathan: Oh Jimmy. So righteous, aren't you? So blind to everything that's going on.\nJimmy: What are you talking about?\nNathan: Do you really think all the changes happening to this town are just coincidence? This goes so much deeper than you can possibly imagine, Jim. Everyone's about to learn the truth. And then... There's a war coming. A war, Jim. And I'm just gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it.\nMr. Mackey: Come on, boys, let's get back to class.\nNathan: I like to smell trees! [walks off.]\nScene Description: Channel 4 News Break.\nAnchor Tom: An elementary school newspaper is making big waves as more and more people say No to news on the Internet.\nRancher: I read super school news 'cause it don't try and fool me and it's news reports aren't paid for by ad companies.\nGerald: We just feel like this is actual news, and instead of clicking on links, we're reading stories.\nStephen: I had to get away from the ads. I felt like the ads were... evolving somehow. They started knowing what I liked. What I was afraid of. I tried ad blockers, but it seemed like every time I tried to block the ads, they just got smarter. I'm never going back from Super School News.\nAnchor Tom: The young editor of the paper claims that since most people now watch news reports on the Internet, they're easily distracted or even fooled by ads, [the camera pulls back to show the news report as a video on Randy's smartphone] which are finding more and more clever ways to disguise them-\nRandy: Oooo, brutal celebrity mugshots. [also on the screen, \"SoDoSoPa in disrepair\" Randy taps on the link, which leads to a slide show of celebrity mugshots which contains 40 images. He taps on the right arrow, and it leads to the first weight-loss ad instead of the next mugshot] O-hoh it got me. Ad got me, Sharon.\nScene Description: The 2015 Presidential Debate\nAnnouncer: We now return live to the 2015 Presidential Debate.\nModerator: Our next question is for you, Mrs. Clinton. Many voters believe that Syrian refugees should not be allowed into our country for security reasons. What do you think?\nHillary: Keeping our country save has become more and more difficult, but I believe there are several things that we can-\nGarrison: No! You shut the hell up! You've got a dumpy butt, and seven chins. Syrian refugees are all terrorists!\nHillary: I know that our government needs to take a harder look at all-\nGarrison: Yeah well, it's pretty hard to look at you! We can all agree on that!\nCaitlyn: [interrupts for a bit] She looks like a donkey took a shit in her face. [goes backstage again]\nGarrison: Yeh-hah, good one Caitlyn. See, what I know is that there's only one way to deal with Syrian refugees, and that is...\nEveryone: Fuck them all to death!\nGarrison: Thank you!! [after the debate Garrison and Caitlyn head backstage laughing] That was hilarious when you called her a pizza face.\nCaitlyn: It's like a Papa John's pimple party.\nGarrison: Oh, that was classic, Caitlyn. You're the best running mate ever.\nPrincipal Victoria: [the first thing you see is her big hair] Hello, Mr. Garrison.\nGarrison: Oh My God... Principal Victoria?\nPrincipal Victoria: [now using a came, walks forward] Congratulations on the polls. We need to talk. [Dramatic music ends Act 1.]\nScene Description: PC Delta house, night. The place is jumping\nPC bro 12: [on the sidewalk just left of the entrance] Celebrate diversity! Woooo!\nPC bro 13: [on the balcony, right side] GO PC!\nScene Description: PC Delta house, inside. More partying\nPC Principal: [walks in with a mic] Alright everyone, listen up. [the music shuts off and everyone falls silent] Tonight is a very special night for the PCs. We're honored to be throwing this event for people with disabilities. [several disabled students are present, like Jimmy, Timmy, Francis, Lenora] I for one am sick of how these amazing kids are marginalized in today's society. but tonight is about learning and healing. So let's get to it! PC! [drops the mic. The other bros echo him and cheer]\nPC bro 7: Hey guys, I'm Brad. I'm PC Arizona State.\nJimmy: Nice to meet you, Brad. Where do you guys-?\nBrad: Excuse me a second. [walks over to a pretty brunette and her friend] Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming to our event.\nLadies: Hi.\nBrad: We're just tired with the way people with disabilities get treated. Can I get you some alcohol?\nPC bro 14: Yah, you know, it just bugs me when people refer to persons with disabilities as \"handicapped.\" When I hear that word I wanna fuckin' punch them in the fuckin' face.\nBlonde: That's so cool of you, wow.\nPC bro 14: Yeah. [Jimmy walks into view, but no one notices him] To me marginalizing persons with disabilities by asking them what their handicap is, is a micro-aggression no better than asking a person of color if they went to college.\nBlonde: Wow, you're really progressive.\nPC bro 14: No other way to be. So uh, listen. I think you're really pretty and interesting, and I'd kinda like to take you upstairs and totally crush your pussy. Would that be acceptable to you?\nBlonde: [looks away, giggling] Oh well, I, I guess it would.\nPC bro 14: No, I'm sorry, I need affirmative consent. I'll need you to say \"Yes, you may take me upstairs and crush my pussy at this time.\" [PC Bros and their lady guests pair up and dance, some of them making out. Brad dances with two women and makes out with the redhead. Jimmy is the only disabled person left in the room]\nPC bros: PC Bros, PC. Yeah!\nScene Description: Dawn at PC Delta. OC Principal goes knocking on every door in the house\nPC Principal: McKinsey, you got consent forms?\nMcKinsey: Oh yeah, right here bro. [hands him the forms through the door]\nPC Principal: Rise and shine guys. If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms. [the other bros hand him their forms through their doors] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you-whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.\nPC bro 15: Yup. Uh, so-, sorry. It's right here.\nPC Principal: Nice.\nPC bro 11: [voice only, behind him] Bro! Aw, dude, bro!\nPC Principal: What, bro?\nPC bro 11: Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.\nPC Principal: Yeah?\nPC bro 11: And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.\nPC Principal: Naturally.\nPC bro 11: So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this!\nScene Description: thrusts the paper in front of PC Principal. The headline reads \"'PC' STANDSD FOR PUSSY CRUSHING\"\nPC Principal: [grabs the paper and reads it] What the fuck is this bro?\nPC bro 11: Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!\nPC Principal: That's not true!!\nPC bro 11: I know, bro!! We're being totally victimized!\nPC Principal: That little fucker, dude!\nScene Description: Jimmy's house, day. someone knocks on his door, he opens it.\nRepresentative: Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News?\nJimmy: That's right.\nRepresentative: We would like to give you $26 million. [Jimmy seems interested, so he lets him in. They sit down at the coffee table and the rep opens his briefcase, taking out documents] Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you.\nJimmy: What is this for?\nRepresentative: I represent an organization called Geico. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.\nJimmy: Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper.\nRepresentative: We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Geico.\nJimmy: That's called \"sponsored content.\" I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid?\nRepresentative: Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage?\nJimmy: Sth-sth-sth, stick it up your ass!\nRepresentative: Hm. [puts the documents back in the briefcase...] Well, they said you'd be tough. [...and brings out a gun and arms it] Do you really think you can stop ads?\nJimmy: Yes.\nRepresentative: You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we ty to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [a bullet shoots through his head from behind. killing him where he stands. Blood begins oozing out his mouth. He falls to his knees and then onto the floor. Barbrady is in the doorway, his knees weak, but his gun drawn]\nJimmy: Officer Barbrady?\nBarbrady: Come with me if you want to live! [he runs back to is car, but Jimmy is confused. Barbrady returns] Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious! [runs back to his car]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is in the kitchen browsing on his phone when Sharon appears in the kitchen doorway with a copy of the school paper in her left hand\nSharon: Do you want to explain to me what pussy crushing is?!\nRandy: What?\nSharon: Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! [drops the paper on the table. Randy picks it up and reads the front page] It's just a way to pick up on young women?!\nRandy: Sh-sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are. Who wrote this?\nSharon: I don't want you going over there anymore!\nRandy: [stands up] I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!\nSharon: [gets in his face] Is it? [turns right and walks out towards the living room, then turns around] All I know is that you've changed. Every since you joined this PC thing you just bully people. And wait for people to say anything improper so you can jump down their throats for whatever words he or she used.\nRandy: He or she is an agenderphobic microagressions, Sharon. You are a bigot. [Sharon turns around and walks away again while he resumes reading the paper.]\nScene Description: A meeting room next to the interrogation room. The agent is there with six other agents, all looking at Jimmy. Barbrady stands off to the side against the wall.\nAgent: The average human can no longer tell the difference between the news and an ad. You seem to have some mental ability that allows you to know the difference.\nJimmy: Does this have to do with me calling the school principal a pussy crusher?\nAgent: The PC People are simply being manipulated, unwittingly setting the table for the new enemy of humanity.\nJimmy: You mean ISIS or ninjas?\nAgent: [stands up] Something... much worse. [turns away] Have you ever felt like an ad had... intelligence? That it somehow knew what you wanted, even before you knew you wanted it? [] What if I were to tell you that ads have become smarter than us? And now they're manipulating everything we do?\nJimmy: I'd say that sounds pretty retarded.\nAgent: [walks to Jimmy's end of the table, then veers away] It was our own fault. Mankind became tired of ads, so we kept inventing ways to make things ad-free. We even created ad blockers. That's when the ads had to adapt. They had to disguise themselves as news in order to survive.\nJimmy: Sponsored content?\nAgent: If you really can tell the difference, then you could be the key to saving our species, Jimmy. We'd like to run a test on you.\nScene Description: Sponsored Content, Test 17-B\nComputer: Sponsored Content, Test 17-B, Ready. Begin. [a series of news articles pop up onscreen, and Jimmy has to discern whether it's news or advertisement. \"Doctor Found Dead In Apartment\"]\nJimmy: That's the news. [\"Dental Problems on the Rise\"] That's an ad. [\"Missile Test Lights Up The Sky\"] That's the news. [\"Vermont Experiencing Heavy Snow\"] That's an ad. [a different agent clicks through the articles for him] That's the news. That's an ad. That's an ad. That's the new-oh no, that's an ad for act food. My bad.\nAgent: Jesus Christ, he's off the charts.\nAgent 2: Increase the intensity.\nJimmy: [\"Man Arrested for Murder of Entire Household\"] That's the news [\"Price of Precious Metal Rises Due To War\"] That's an ad. News. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. News. News. Ad. Ad. Slideshow. Ad. [The test ends and the computers wind down. Jimmy's chair is pulled away from the main computer on a track.]\nAgent: That's a perfect score. You are a very special child, Jimmy.\nJimmy: I prefer \"handicapped,\" actually.\nAgent: We have another child here who's special too. [a metal security shield comes down to reveal a window, and a girl on the other side of the window.] Do you know... Leslie? [she notices him on the other side of the glass and looks at him]\nScene Description: PC Delta house. The PC Bros are putting up yellow tape saying \"SAFE SPACE - DO NOT CROSS\" on it.\nPC Principal: [steps outside to survey the work] Alright, that's good. Everyone get inside. Everything past here is safe space. [the bros start going inside] No reporters, no harassment. We are gonna figure this shit out. [PC Principal closes the door behind himself. Once inside, everyone is sitting around in silence. PC Principal finally speaks] All I know is that I don't speak up for minorities so that I can crush pussy.\nPC bro 16: Me neither, dude. I want social justice and now I'm being made fun of.\nPC bro 17: Yeah bro. They're taking our incredibly tolerant views and distorting them.\nPC Principal: PC people are under attack. That's what this is.\nPC bro 18: Hey yeah. Bro! We're the victims now. Like, we're being marginalized. Like... that makes us pretty cool.\nTopher: Yeah, I bet now we can get a lot more puss.\nPC Principal: No, Topher! It's not about puss, alright?! The fuck is wrong with you?! We're being labeled as meatheads who just wanna crush puss by an intolerant newspaper!\nPC bro 16: [now standing] Yeah, fuck that dude, bro!\nPC Principal: Yeah. And like, if you're gonna belittle and make fun of PC people like that, then who's to say he won't do it to other marginalized groups like us? I mean, this kid could be the next Hitler. And if you guys could stop Hitler, what would you do?\nPC bro 9: I'd rip that dude apart and then go home and totally smash some puss, bro.\nOther Bros: Hell yeah!\nPC Principal: Nooo!\nScene Description: The interrogation room. Jimmy now sits opposite Leslie\nLeslie: You look familiar. Don't you go to my school?\nJimmy: Yes. Uh, I'm Jimmy. Editor In Chief of Super School News. [smiles]\nLeslie: I'm Leslie.\nJimmy: N, nice to finally talk to you.\nLeslie: Did they bring you in and give you a bunch of tests too?\nJimmy: Yes, they did. Do you know who \"they\" are?\nLeslie: I think they're ex-newsmen. You know, the men in suits who used to be in charge of the news.\nScene Description: the men are listening in on this conversation\nJimmy: I thought I recognized them.\nLeslie: They told me I was special. Are you special too?\nJimmy: I prefer \"handicapped.\"\nLeslie: [makes a weird noise] I like that.\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's campaign office.\nMr. Garrison: Principal Victoria, if everything you've said is true, then, why doesn't anyone know about it?\nPrincipal Victoria: There are people who know. But they have to stay very hidden.\nMr. Garrison: I'm just havin' a hard time swallowing all this. And between me and this one over here, we can swallow just about anything.\nCaitlyn: [scoffs] Oh God, you're such an asshole.\nPrincipal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, I wasn't fired. I was replaced. This goes much higher than anyone knows.\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's now the one explaining things to ... someone\nPC Principal: I came to this town really thinking I could make a difference. I've been called a bigot towards persons with disabilities. I've been called... [stops for an instant] Pussy-crusher, because of the behavior of a very few individuals in my PC frat. [Nathan is shown] Jimmy Valmer is off the school newspaper. I want you to take over.\nNathan: Ooooh boy!\nPC Principal: And I will be reviewing your paper to make sure nobody is ever attacked the way I was again.\nNathan: I think this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.\nPC Principal: Jimmy almost made me lose confidence, but I know who I am. I know what I am!\nPC bro 11: [voice only] Dude! Bro! [runs into the principal's office] Oh, bro, I went online to read a news story about immigrants being discriminated against.\nPC Principal: Yeah?\nPC bro 11: Well, and so I clicked on the headline and it turned out to be an ad for Reddi-Wip. so then I clicked on the button to make it go away, but then it was a link to another ad, and when i tried to cancel that, another window came up, and it was this! [approaches the desk and shows\nPC Principal: Dude! [stands up and whips his glasses off] What the fuck, bro?\nPC bro 11: What does this mean, dude?\nPC Principal: Bro! What the fuck, bro?!\nScene Description: Back at the interrogation room...\nLeslie: Do you like our school, Jimmy.\nJimmy: Uh yes, Leslie, I like our school very much.\nLeslie: I like our school too. I like the kids who go there.\nJimmy: Uh huh. I'm starting to wonder something about you, Leslie.\nLeslie: I'm starting to wonder about you. I mean, you seem like a nice kid, but... don't you feel like you could be happier? [this sets off an alarm in him]\nJimmy: Holy. Shit.\nLeslie: What?\nJimmy: Can you excuse me for a moment?\nLeslie: Okay. [Jimmy leaves the room for a moment]\nAgent: Well Jimmy? What do you think?\nJimmy: [looks over his shoulder] Does she know she's an ad?\nAgent 3: He can spot them.\nJimmy: Does she know she's an ad?!\nScene Description: PC Delta house, night. PC Principal is looking at his monitor, on which is the same picture he saw at school. It's the same picture as that of Naughty Ninjas, but with additional details. The camera pans out to reveal that the picture is part of a State Farm insurance ad.\nPC Principal: [softly, looking truly victimized now] What the hell is going on, bro?!\nPC bro 19: [stops by and checks in on him] Bro?\nPC Principal: Bro, what the hell is going on, bro?\nScene Description: Caitlyn Jenner's car, Washington D.C., night.\nPrincipal Victoria: If we're going back, remember: we don't know who we can trust.\nMr. Garrison: If they wanna mess with my town, I'll fuck every last one of them! Let's do this!\nCaitlyn: Buckle up, buckaroos! [revs up the motor and drives off running over several people]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade, day. The new teacher, Mrs. Nelson is writing out a lesson on adverbial clauses on the chalkboard\nMrs. Nelson: Alright guys, now let's go back and talk about infinitives [begins writing the lesson on that subject]. Remember, those are verbs combined with the work \"to.\"\nCartman: [yawns and whispers to Kyle] Oh, my fucking God...\nMrs. Nelson: Now, usually an infinitive acts like a noun, as in \"I want TO go out to eat\" or [Cartman tugs on Kyle's pen, making him mess up, and smiles. Kyle pulls the pen away. Cartman pulls again] \"I hope TO be chosen today.\"\nKyle: What?\nCartman: I'm so bored, dude.\nMrs. Nelson: Now usually, it isn't common to split TO and the verb, but sometimes you can, [Cartman pulls the pen out of Kyle's hand and throws it away]\nKyle: Knock it off!\nMrs. Nelson: as in-. Is there a problem, guys?\nKyle: Go get my pen, fatass\nCartman: I am not your slave, Kyle.\nKyle: Go get my pen!\nMr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention, students. Kyle Broflovski report to the Principal's office please?\nCartman: [laughs] PC Principal wants to see you, Kyle!\nMr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the Principal's office please, m'kay?\nKyle: Goddammit! [leaves his seat]\nCartman: Have fun, dude.\nScene Description: The Principal's office. Kyle arrives and sighs heavily before going in. At the desk, Mr. Mackey is looking through some drawers, but PC Principal isn't there.\nMr. Mackey: [looks up surprised] Oh, Kyle. [sits down on the chair and looks fearful] Uhh, uhh, thank you for coming.\nKyle: Where's PC Principal?\nMr. Mackey: I think he's finally lost it, Kyle. He and his PC buddies are on a hunger strike and, they're calling for people's resignations. Kyle, PC Principal had problems with Jimmy and with Leslie. And now they're missing. M'kay? Nobody knows where they are. That's what happens. You go against PC, and you just end up missing. M'kay?\nKyle: What are you talking about?\nMr. Mackey: PC Principal had issues with them. M'kay? And he had issues with you, Kyle. Whatever's goin' on, it's pretty damn scary.\nScene Description: Montage. First, programming code appears onscreen, then Jimmy\nJimmy: For years, mankind has tried to rid the world of ads. For our ancestors, ads couldn't be avoided. But everyone knew what was an ad, and what wasn't. After many years, mankind invented cable. A way to p-pay for television so there would be no ads. But somehow, the ads still found a way. And so mankind invented TiVo. A way to skip past commercials. Finally, it appeared to be the end of ads. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads were stopped. Or so it seemed. With the rise of the Internet, suddenly the ads got an en- tirely new way to attack us. Popups. The top scientific minds were brought together to find a way to stop the ads, once and for all. They invented the ad blocker. Suddenly there were no ads on phones, on computers. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads adapted. They became s-smarter. They disguised themselves as news. All around the world people read news stories completely unaware that they were reading ads . And now, the ads have taken the next step in their evolution. They have taken human form. Ads are among us. They could be your friend, your g-gardener. The ads are trying to wipe us out. But the question is... how?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. All the family is there.\nRandy: So, um, ahem, South Park kind of sucks now. You guys wanna bail? [everyone else but Grandpa are stunned at this and stop eating.]\nSharon: What?\nShelly: What are you talking about?\nRandy: It's just, you know, it used to be nice and laid-back here, but now it's all [puts his palms forward] Uuuuhhh, you know? Like like now everybody's all Uuhh-uuhhh. Let's bail. You wanna bail, Stan?\nStan: No, I don't. [Randy lowers his head and looks at his food,]\nScene Description: The master bedroom, after dinner. Randy is pacing back and forth across the room while Sharon stands with her arms crossed looking at him\nSharon: What's going on, Randy?\nRandy: Nothing! I just... You know, we don't have to live here, we can live anywhere.\nSharon: Last month, all you could talk about was how great this town had become. What changed your mind?\nRandy: [stops and looks away] ...We can't afford it. [Sharon's jaw drops]\nSharon: We can't afford it?\nRandy: All these fancy new restaurants and shops and [sits on the edge of the bed] everyone wants to live here! A bowl of City beef costs ten bucks now, for Christ's sake. And there's nowhere to shop but stupid Whole Foods!\nSharon: [crosses her arms] Well, we'll just have to stop going to those places.\nRandy: I had to take out a second mortgage on the house.\nSharon: You [uncrosses her arms] what?\nRandy: [gets up, runs to her, and holds her shoulders] I had to, Sharon! It isn't my fault! It's the Man. Don't you see? The Man... is pricing us out of our own town.\nScene Description: The newsmen's headquarters. Leslie is in the interrogation room, while Jimmy looks in from the meeting room.\nJimmy: [faces the newsmen] It's just my luck. I talk to a nice girl, seem to hit it off, and she turns out to just be an ad.\nTom: Well, that's what an ad does. She was designed to entice, and manipulate.\nJimmy: This is such a fantastic story for the school newspaper. Why don't we just run it so that everyone knows the truth?\nTom: Jimmy, we're newsmen, like you. For decades we used our soft buttery voices to inform the people about what's happening. Then we watched as our entire industry was taken over by the ads. [the newsman to his right lowers his head and looks at the table] Some of our colleagues were manipulated into doing the ads' bidding. The man who came to your house with a gun was one of them. Our own Kevin Jarvis has more.\nKevin: Thanks, Tom. Jimmy, the man who tried to kill you was Brian Boint, of WXNR, Fort Collins. When he saw there was no money in news anymore he sided with the ads, even though he knew it meant the destruction of our species. Back to you, Tom.\nTom: Thanks, Kevin. The only hope for the truth to get out there, Jimmy, is for you to see through this ad's deception and to find out what they're planning. Your Super School News was a threat to them. But unless you get this little bitch to talk, we may never know why.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kenny and Stan walk into view, spot Kyle, and walk over to him. Stan is carrying a copy of the school newspaper\nStan: Dude, Kyle. Will you look at this? [shows him the paper, which has a report on PC Principal sending Jimmy and Leslie on a Disney Cruise]\nKyle: \"Principal Sends Two Favorite Students On A Disney Cruise. This week, students Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers are being treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation for their outstanding school-\" what the hell is this?\nStan: It doesn't make any sense, dude. PC Principal is using the school paper to cover something up.\nKyle: Yeah I... Ah I don't wanna get involved.\nStan: You don't wanna get involved? Dude, what's wrong with you?\nKyle: I've already learned you can't win against PC Principal. You should know of all people since he converted your dad.\nStan: What's that supposed to mean?\nButters: [runs up with Cartman] Fellas! We found out what happened to Jimmy! He got to go on a vacation for being an exemplary student.\nStan: That is not what happened! Something is very wrong here! We all have to stand up to PC Principal together!\nCartman: Yeah, and wasn't Jimmy the one in charge of the school newspaper? So who's putting this out?\nScene Description: The school newsroom. Nathan is at the computer typing random letters on the keyboard.\nNathan: I like the school paper. I like to type with my hands. [the camera then shows Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters in the room watching Nathan.]\nKyle: Who told you that the principal sent Jimmy on a Disney Cruise?\nNathan: Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhh, I don't remember.\nStan: You have quotes in here from Jimmy. Did you talk to him?\nNathan: Uhhh. Uhhh, I like the school paper.\nStan: [the boys look at each other] Come on, we'll get to the bottom of this. [they head out]\nNathan: [some seconds later] Did I do good, computer? [touches the screen] I think the sponsored content fooled them. I hope I made you happy. Can you see me, computer? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? [a porn popup windows appears] Ahh, thanks, computer.\nScene Description: The edge of town. Caitlyn, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison have arrived and park on the side of the road to look at the town.\nPrincipal Victoria: We have to make sure nobody recognizes us. There's no telling who works for who. Here, Caitlyn, I got you this fake mustache to put on.\nCaitlyn: I'm not putting on a mustache, I'll look silly.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, that, that's where you draw the line, huh Caitlyn?\nCaitlyn: Don't be an asshole.\nMr. Garrison: No, you're right, that's nuts! A woman wearing a mustache, that's just ridiculous, huh Cait?\nCaitlyn: Alright alright, I'll put it on, fuck.\nMr. Garrison: No no, please, Cait, don't put on a fake mustache, that's c-razy. [Caitlyn puts it on] You don't want people thinking you're a weirdo, I mean, Jeez.\nCaitlyn: [taps him gently like a kitten] You-hur such an asshole.\nScene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. A shopper leaves Whole Foods with two bags of groceries and is promptly run over by Caitlyn. Nobody bats an eye. Garrison and Victoria step out, followed by Caitlyn\nMr. Garrison: What the hell is this? What have they done to my town?\nPrincipal Victoria: Keep your voice down.\nMr. Garrison: Since when do we have a flippin' Whole Foods?! [they walk towards it]\nPrincipal Victoria: Everything's changed.\nSurvey worker: [stops the three of them] Hi there, you got a minute for gay rights?\nMr. Garrison: Gay rights? Jeez, you've already got all those. What the hell do you wanna do now? [the three walk on in]\nScene Description: Whole Foods. The clerk at checkout 5 is finished with Mr. Stotch's purchases\nClerk: All right, your total is a hundred twenty six thirty nine, and would you like to give a dollar to help hungry children get iPads to protect your Internet safe space today?\nStephen: I will.\nMr. Garrison: What the Sam Hell is goin' on!\nScene Description: The interrogation room. Jimmy and Leslie face off again.\nLeslie: Why would anyone think that I'm on the principal's side? I hate the principal. I think he's a dick.\nJimmy: So you don't know anything about the principal that might be newsworthy? Super School News worthy?\nLeslie: Just that he hated me and called me a blabbermouth. I don't think I'm a blabbermouth. I just like talking to people.\nJimmy: [clears his throat] Leslie, what kind of... plans do you have? Do you have any... plans?\nLeslie: What kind of plans?\nJimmy: Just, you know, plans. Like what are you hoping tooo... accomplish? [the newsmen watch from the meeting room]\nLeslie: I don't know. What are your plans?\nJimmy: Well, I want to pursue careers in both news reporting and comedy.\nLeslie: Really? That's... different.\nJimmy: Yeah, you're pretty different yourself, Leslie.\nLeslie: How so?\nScene Description: The meeting room. Barbrady is still bearing witness while Jimmy sits at the table with the newsmen\nJimmy: I'm starting to think that maybe all ads aren't so bad.\nTom: Jimmy, you're thinking with your dick.\nJimmy: I am not thinking with my dick.\nTom: Yes you are.\nJimmy: No, I just think that she's a-\nTom: Put your dick away.\nJimmy: She's ag- emotional\nTom: Jim.\nJimmy: Interesting, caring girl.\nTom: Jimmy, that's your dick talking. [Jimmy stays quiet] Believe me, I know how you feel. Ads promise us things. Ads are perfect. But make no mistake: [speaks slowly] all ads lie. And all ads deceive.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, afternoon. Kyle is at his computer browsing the Web and looking at Twitter and Instagram.\nKyle: There. Leslie's Instagram and her Twitter. Last entry was ten days ago.\nButters: What about Jimmy's?\nKyle: Jimmy never used that stuff, remember? He said he hated using the Internet.\nCartman: How do you hate the Internet? That's like hating titties.\nButters: What are you doing now?\nKyle: I'm just looking for any news articles or anything about PC Principal. [his computer is recording the conversation] Where did you say PC Principal was from?\nStan: I think it was Vermont.\nKyle: Maybe there's something from the news in Vermont that could give us a clue about- [an ad for a Vermont vacation pops up] Goddammit what the hell is this?\nStan: That's an ad for skiing in Vermont.\nButters: Wow that looks fun! [Kyle closes the popup and tries again. A couple of windows later, he gets a news article]\nKyle: Dude. Dude, look at this. \"How PC Culture is changing Vermont from a state of intolerance to a s-\" [a popup ad for a guitar appears] Dude there it is again!\nKenny: What?\nKyle: It's that goddamned guitar! This ad is fucking following me!\nStan: Just click out of it.\nKyle: I'm trying! Goddammit get over here!\nStan: That's a pretty sweet-looking guitar.\nKyle: [looks at Stan] It is pretty cool dude, it tunes itself.\nCartman: How does it do that?\nKyle: It's this company that does all kinds of hi-tech instruments. See look, I'll show you.\nStan: Oh that's sweet. Send me the link to that so I can- [a popup ad for Victor Frankenstein appears] Oh dude that new Frankenstein movie is out. I totally wanna see that.\nCartman: That movie's gonna suck dude.\nStan: Hit the arrow, I wanna see where it's playing.\nKyle: [click] OH. Sorry, wrong arrow button. [a popup ad for Fun Cream ice cream appears]\nButters: Wow, what kind of ice cream is that?\nScene Description: At an ice cream parlor, later on. They're in a booth laughing at something\nButters: So Clyde said to Token, \"Why don't you open a bank account with your mouth so I can deposit my dick in it?\" [the boys laugh]\nKyle: So then what'd Token say?\nButters: Well Token was all like-\nStan: Wait wait wait wait wait whoa, whoa. What the hell are we doing?\nCartman: Eating ice cream, dipshit.\nStan: But what about Jimmy? We were all like totally trying to find out what happened to him.\nKyle: Whoa, what the hell just happened?\nButters: We got distracted. We've gotta get back to that computer! [The boys split for the computer without their ice cream, except to Cartman, who takes his... and a couple of seconds later, Kenny's]\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Skeeter is serving up drinks\nSkeeter: Now this here is a dry Riesling. You're gonna experience vanilla after-tones and a nutty finish.\nRancher: You mean like someone put their balls in the glass?\nSkeeter: No, like chestnuts, dammit!\nRancher: I just can't keep up with this town no more. Everything's gettin' all nice and fancy. I swear I'm gonna need to get a second mortgage on the ranch just to pay muh daily expenses.\nRandy: Don't you get it? That's just what they want. Nobody cares about the people who lived here before. They want us to move, 'cause they wanna knock our houses down and build more lofts and villas!\nSkeeter: Alright Randy, you should probably lay off the old vine Châteauneuf-du-Pape.\nRandy: [now by Stuart's table] You'll all see! Pretty soon everyone who used to live here is gonna have to move. And we'll be shopping at Safeway again. [sets his glass down on the table and walks out the door]\nScene Description: The sidewalk in front of Skeeter's. Randy walks down the street thinking to himself...\nRandy (singing): Where has my town gone? Where has- [a leg kicks him across the face]\nRandy: Oooff!\nCaitlyn: You like apples? [punches him in the belly, causing him to groan] How d'you like them apples? [hauls him into the alley]\nRandy: Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner! [Caitlyn slams Randy against a wall face first]\nGarrison: Check his ass!\nRandy: Principal Victoria? [Caitlyn pulls down Randy's pants and briefs to reveal the PC branding]\nVictoria: He's one of them.\nRandy: One of what?\nGarrison: Caitlyn. [Caitlyn punches Randy hard in the ribs. He groans and collapses onto the ground.]\nScene Description: The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie face off yet again.\nJimmy: Okay Leslie, let's try a different approach. Let's say you wanted tooo... destroy the entire species. How would you go about it?\nLeslie: Why would I want to destroy an entire species? You have the wrong idea about me, Jimmy. The person trying to change things and make things terrible is the new principal.\nJimmy: And what is the new principal trying to do, Leslie?\nLeslie: He's trying to make sure that people like you and me aren't allowed to exist. I know that you're trying to help. I know that the newsmen in there are trying to help too. [Kevin glances back at Tom] But now I'm going to tell you something very important, Jimmy. [the newsmen lean in towards the monitors. A popup car ad appears, and they can't see or hear what Leslie is saying.]\nScene Description: The meeting room\nThe Chevy Ad: [a driver walks up to his truck and plays with his dog] Like a rock. I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy, and I drive it like a rock.\nTom: What the hell is that?\nKevin: Tom, it looks like a popup ad.\nTom: How did an ad get in here? Let's go to David at the network hub.\nDavid: No answers here, Tom. We're trying to correct the problem.\nScene Description: The interrogation room. The room is now bathed in red light, a sign that the room is secure and no one can see or hear what's going on inside from outside\nLeslie: You have to get me out of here, Jimmy. They're going to kill me.\nJimmy: What?\nLeslie: Listen to me carefully and don't look at the glass. I feel something for you I have never felt before. I think it's trust. The men in there are sick with hatred and as soon as they realize I have no information they are going to burn me. I've seen them do it to others. Please, you have to help me, Jimmy. Don't let them hurt me. Please don't abandon me. When the lights go back on just look at me and smile.\nScene Description: The meeting room\nTom: David, any word on the popup ad situation?\nDavid: Tom, we've just about got it fixed. It should be ready now. [the newsmen turn to look at the monitors, and Leslie is down]\nLeslie: And that's really it, Jimmy. I want to help all of you however I can. [he looks at her, and smiles a second later]\nScene Description: Foot Vault, a shoe store. The boys are getting fitted for new shoes and enjoying themselves. They had gone to McDonald's and ordered chicken McNugget's and sodas, which they are now consuming in the shoe store\nCartman: And then Token tells Clyde that if his mouth was a bank, Clyde's mom would have already deposited her dick in it. Which is hilarious because Clyde's mom is dead. [the boys burst out laughing again]\nStan: Wait wait wait wait whoa whoa. What the hell are we doing?\nButters: We're tryin' on shoes and eatin' chicken nuggets, stupid. What do you think?\nStan: No. That's not what we set out to do.\nKyle: We were... We were on Cartman's computer looking up news stories about PC Principal.\nCartman: Didn't we finish doing that?\nStan: No, we didn't.\nKyle: It's like... someone's trying to... distract us. [looks suspiciously at Stan] Because they're worried what we'll uncover about PC people.\nStan: Yeah, like one of us is purposefully trying to keep us from digging too deep because they're afraid.\nKyle: Why are you looking at me?\nStan: Why are you looking at me?\nCartman: Why isn't anyone looking at me?\nScene Description: Park Motel, day. Caitlyn's car is parked over two people in front of Room 10. Caitlyn closes the blinds. Mr. Garrison splashes some water onto Randy\nRandy: Hey, fuck you.\nGarrison: Wake up, dickhead!\nRandy: [opens his eyes] Garrison? The hell is wrong with you?!\nGarrison: I'll tell you what's wrong with me! There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!\nRandy: I don't know what you're talking about.\nVictoria: Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts and foods district called ShiTpaTown?\nRandy: \nGarrison: Son of a bitch!\nRandy: What? To take one area of town that was rappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained.\nVictoria: It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [brings out a photo book and flips through some pictures] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north od Downtown into NoDoFoPa. A rundown area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SoCaCheyWo. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.\nRandy: Oh my God.\nVictoria: LoDo, SoBro, RivMo, all happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!\nRandy: What does it mean?\nGarrison: In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a mjuch larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.\nRandy: Not me. If PC Principal has been using us, I'll take the bastard down myself.\nScene Description: The PC Delta house, day. A reporter files this report\nReporter: It's day two of the hunger strike started by the college-aged fraternity brothers who are demanding that all of South Park's community leaders step down. The PC frat brothers say they've gone now two days without eating any pussy, and will continue to do so until people resign.\nTom: Who is that reporter? Do we... know him?\nKevin: Tom, that's Bill Keegan, WCFO.\nTom: Thanks, Brian. [Jimmy sneaks past the newsmen in the background] He's working for the ads, obviously. Sellout douche-bag.\nNewsman: That's right, Tom. He was always a douche-bag at the conventions.\nTom: Thanks, Rick. Stay dry.\nScene Description: The interrogation room door opens. Leslie looks up. Jimmy peeks in\nJimmy: Leslie, come on.\nLeslie: Jimmy. You're gonna help me?\nJimmy: Yeah I'm gonna help you. I mean, come on.\nScene Description: The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie make it to the entrance, but the sound of his crutches draw the newsmen's attention\nTom: Jimmy! [Jimmy and Leslie turn around]\nNewsman 2: Oh Jesus, he let her out.\nJimmy: PC Principal is our enemy, not her.\nTom: His dick is compromised. [spreads his arms out to protect the newsmen] Stay back! [the newsmen and Barbrady step back a few feet]\nJimmy: It is not my dick. I am thinking rationally and with logic. I am taking her out of here!\nTom: Well then, [pulls a gun out of his inside coat pocket and aims it at Jimmy] I'm sorry I'm going to have to do this, Jimmy. [walks over to Barbrady and gives him the gun] Officer Barbrady, we need you to shoot these kids.\nBarbrady: What?\nTom: The ad has got to him. [puts Barbrady into a shooting stance] There's no time to argue.\nBarbrady: I'm not shooting any more kids.\nTom: Do you want to save your town?!\nJimmy: Officer Barbrady, we have to stop PC Principal before it's too late.\nTom: Barbrady, shoot them in their heads!\nBarbrady: No! I'm not shooting any more people! Not for you, not for nobody!\nTom: You're making the worst mistake of your life, officer.\nBarbrady: Maybe so. All I know is I'm done shooting people! [his gun goes off and grazes Kevin on his left shoulder, causing it to bleed]\nKevin: Augh!\nBarbrady: Oh sorry. Jeez. [Jimmy and Leslie exit first, then Barbrady follows and closes the door]\nTom: Dammit!\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime\nStan: Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?\nButters: Yeah.\nStan: He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him. Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]\nKyle: Well what are you guys talking about?\nButters: Nothin'.\nCartman: Stan's calling you a traitor.\nKyle: What?!\nStan: Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.\nKyle: And why do you think that, Stan?!\nStan: I don't know.\nKyle: Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!\nButters: Wuh huh, that's a good point.\nCartman: I am loving this right now.\nStan: My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!\nKyle: It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!\nCartman: Hoh that's low. [smiles]\nStan: Don't you dare call me a Cartman!\nKyle: N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!\nStan: Fuck you, Kyle! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]\nCartman: Fight! [the kids gather round to watch. Half of them are cheering them on, the other half stay quiet. Nathan stops by to see what's going on.]\nScene Description: The PC Delta house, night. A lone jogger runs by it, only to be mowed down by Caitlyn and her passengers, who all get out of the car and walk towards the house\nGarrison: Time to take this asshole down!\nRandy: [gets in front of the group] Whoa whoa whoa, guys, whoa! We can't just go walking in there.\nGarrison: Why not?\nRandy: This is a safe space. We're not allowed past this. When you breach a college safe space, you're crossing the most sacred human boundary there is.\nCaitlyn: J'hoh, give me a break.\nRandy: Nonononono, look, this is very real, and very important in PC culture. Every human has a right to a safe space and it cannot be entered.\nGarrison: [determined] I can. Watch. [lifts up the PC tape and walks under and on to the house]\nRandy: Wow, how did you-? [Principal Victoria and Caitlyn Jenner do the same] Whoa.\nScene Description: The school newsroom, day. Nathan is at the computer typing away very slowly. The camera moves enough to reveal Jimmy and Leslie at the door\nJimmy: Burning the midnight oil, huh Nathan?\nNathan: Jimmy.\nJimmy: You sonofabitch. What have you done to the Super School News?\nNathan: I was just holding down the fort while you were away, Jim.\nJimmy: Writing headlines sponsored by PC Principal and the ads? How much did they pay you?!\nNathan: Please, Jimmy, I'm just trying to survive here.\nJimmy: Everyone's gonna know the truth, Nathan. We're getting a new edition of the school paper out by morning. Everyone's gonna know all about the ads. [Leslie punches him and he goes flying into a bookcase. She walks over and punches him five more times, then turns around and walks off to close the door. She returns and throws him up in the air. He hits the ceiling and falls to the floor. Leslie walks past Nathan, who laughs at Jimmy's misfortune]\nLeslie: Deal with him. [gets on the computer and starts searching]\nJimmy: Leslie... I thought we were b-b-b-besties.\nNathan: Hey there, big man. Editor of the school paper, huh? You still don't even know half the story.\nScene Description: PC Delta, later. Caitlyn is moving around like a detective through the lobby\nCaitlyn: It's clear.\nGarrison: Where is everybody? I thought the news said they're on a hunger strike.\nRandy: It doesn't make sense. Someone's always here.\nVictoria: Take a look at this! [the other three adults walk over to see what she's seeing - the same State Farm ad of PC Principal and Leslie as before]\nGarrison: What the hell?\nVictoria: It looks like he was researching this. You see this news story?\nGarrison: If this is true, then... PC Principal's trying to help.\nRandy: Click on that. What is that?\nGarrison: No, click out of that. What is this?\nScene Description: Foot Vault. Caitlyn, Randy, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison are trying on new shoes, like Stan and friends did before, and enjoying themselves\nGarrison: So, so then, so then Caitlyn says \"Look bitch, you're married to Bill Clinton. If anyone should be afraid of AIDS, it's you.\"\nCaitlyn: That stupid bitch had it coming. [they all laugh]\nGarrison: Oh God, I love you, Cait. We're so gong to win the primaries. [they all laugh]\nRandy: Whoa, whoawhoawhoa wait wait wait. What, what were we doing again?\nScene Description: Kyle's house, evening. The doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it. Leslie is outside, shivering\nKyle: Leslie.\nLeslie: You're trying to find out what's going on, right? But your friend is standing in your way?\nKyle: How do you know thi-?\nLeslie: I can show you what's going on, Kyle. But you have to trust me. [holds out her hand] What's the last four digits of your Sosh?\nKyle: 2692 [They shake hands, and he leaves the house with her]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The outskirts of Moscow, day. A silhouetted figure is walking away from the city, tightly wrapped to protect against the icy wind and snow. He's dressed for a winter hike. He finds a bar and opens the door, and a bunch of angry Russian faces look back at him. The bar is dimly lit. The figure goes inside and closes the door. He loosens his scarf and lowers his hood. It's PC Principal.\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of hate speech that serves to marginalize others.\nRussian 1: [balding, with facial stubble] Is it him?\nRussian 2: [with mustache] Yes, it's him. PC Principal.\nPC Principal: [walks up to the bar and puts his pickaxe aside, and drinks the glass of water waiting for him] You know, if there's one thing that makes me sick, it's when a race thinks they're superior and don't know how to check their privilege. [a Russian walks up to him and lays a hand on his shoulder. PC Principal responds with a right hook. A second Russian attacks, and PC Principal responds with a knee to the chest and slams him onto a table, which shatters under him. PC Principal then stands over him and stomps on his face, shattering his head to pieces. A third Russian lunges at him with a knife, but he kicks that Russian in the face, then delivers a head butt and snaps his neck in half. The remaining Russians back away. A fourth Russian attacks him, but he breaks that Russian's arm and punches him away. A fifth one attacks, and he punches him away. A sixth one attacks with a cue stick, but PC Principal snaps the stick in two and jabs the thick end into the Russian's right eye. A seventh one takes a shot at him, but he takes the gun and jabs the ax into the Russian's head. An eighth Russian walks up to him, but throws his hands up when PC Principal aims the gun at him.]\nRussian 3: I'm not one of them! I'm not one of them!\nPC Principal: An African-American flips a turtle over on its back. A transgender Filipino comes and sees the helpless turtle baking in the sun. What color is the Filipino's father? [The Russian doesn't know how to answer] I didn't think you were human. [the Russian lunges at him, but he fires off four shots through the Russian's head and kicks him in the face. He then notices his axe and pulls it out of the seventh Russian's head. He turns around and walks out of the bar.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids mill around in the hallway. Bebe goes to her open locker, Wendy walks her way, Craig and Tweek walk by holding hands.\nButters: [still in his halo, talking to Charlotte on his iPhone] Yeah, everybody's pretty freaked out over here, baby. Everyone is on edge and feelin' really nervous.\nCharlotte: That sounds terrible. Be careful, Butters.\nButters: I will, honey.\nKyle: Butters. [Butters' smile vanishes] Get to the bathroom. Now. [Butters is a bit alarmed]\nScene Description: The boys' restroom, later. Kyle is inside and locks the door. He turns to see the other four boys - Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny\nStan: Alright Kyle, what's this about?\nKyle: Jimmy's dead.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: I know the whole story. PC Principal killed him, and tried to kill Leslie, but she got away.\nKenny: (Are you fuckin' serious, dude?)\nKyle: PC Principal is part of a huge network of radicals who kill everyone who doesn't follow their PC ideology.\nStan: How do you know all this?\nKyle: Because Leslie's with me. I'm keeping her safe.\nButters: Heh, [sing-song] Kyle's got a girlfriend?\nKyle: It gets worse. Someone in this town helped these people come here. That person faked the Bill Cosby joke to get Principal Victoria fired.\nCartman: Who would use a Cosby joke to push their own agenda?\nKyle: I think it's obvious. Stan's dad.\nStan: Kyle!\nKyle: Stan, your dad is one of them. He had to be the one to let them in.\nStan: [gets in his face] You're letting paranoia and suspicion get the better of you! [walks past him, opens the doors, and walks out]\nKyle: There's no way to know who we can trust.\nCartman: So what do we do now?\nKyle: There's only one thing we can do. [turns around] We have to get guns.\nButters: Guns?\nKyle: It's the only way for us to be safe.\nCartman: Kyle, even if we thought it would help protect us, how are we all gonna get our hands on guns?\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. The boys are on the basketball court checking out their new guns.\nCartman: Alright, cool, we got guns. So now what?\nKenny: (Now we need to steal a car and escape.)\nButters: I already feel a lot safer.\nKyle: You guys lay low and watch your backs. I'm gonna go keep Leslie protected.\nCartman: Hey! Don't fall too hard, partner. [Kyle smiles and walks off. Cartman poses with his gun] Do I look sweet, Butters?\nButters: [giggles] Yeah.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. The whole family is present, eating chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots, and garlic bread. Stan looks up at Randy, then gets angry. Randy notices and looks back, then gets in his face\nRandy: What?\nStan: What?\nSharon: Can you pass the garlic bread, Randy?\nRandy: Why wouldn't I be able to pass the garlic bread? [picks up the bowl and offers it to her. She takes some bread from it, and he sets it back where it was.]\nStan: Dad, where were you last night?\nRandy: What, wait. Where was I what? Out, with friends, doing things. [wipes his face clean] Well I'm full. I'm gonna go work in the garage for a little bit. [leaves the table]\nStan: Work on what?\nRandy: On stuff to do, things. [reaches back and takes some more food.] Um, oh I'm gonna take some of this with me. I'm still hungry.\nSharon: I thought you just said you were full.\nRandy: Jee-sus! What? Am I on trial or something? God-damn! [takes the bowl of garlic bread] You guys are really acting strange. [his mouth remains a bit open as he walks away keeping an eye on the family]\nScene Description: The garage, moments later. Randy enters it and closes the door behind him. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, and Caitlyn Jenner wait for him at the workbench.\nRandy: Alright, we're good. Nobody suspects a thing. [sets the food on the bench, next to a laptop they're looking at]''\nMr. Garrison: Take a look at this.\nPrincipal Victoria: We've got everything from PC Principal's hard drive. He was on to the gentrification around the world, and he was convinced that whatever was responsible... wasn't... human.\nRandy: Not human? Then what?\nMr. Garrison: I don't care if they're aliens or vampires, we need to round them up fast and fuck them till they're dead.\nCaitlyn: You don't wanna fuck a vampire, you'll get hepatitis.\nMr. Garrison: Oh girlfriend, I'm well beyond that. [Caitlyn giggles]\nRandy: Oh my God. Don't you see what this means? If something not human is gentrifying the entire world, soon no human will be ale to afford it. They're trying to price our species out of existence.\nScene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. There are lofts there now, just as in SoDoSoPa, and the camera zooms in on one in particular... Nathan and Jimmy are seated around a coffee table in the loft\nNathan: Well? How do you like my new apartment?\nJimmy: What happened to you, Nathan? I always thought you were a nice kid. Now you've got a gun?\nNathan: Huh. Everyone's gettin' one of these now, Jim. Nobody knows whom to trust.\nJimmy: Yeah? Well guns are never the answer.\nNathan: Don't you kinda wish you'd had one back when Leslie betrayed you and nearly beat you to death?\nJimmy: Oh. I guess it would have been a decent answer then. Tou-t-t-t.. touché.\nNathan: You see, I've got expensive tastes, Jimmy. I like good food. [leaves his chair and walks around] Organic pressed juices. And I've got a thing for high-class prostitutes. [stands next to a black woman who's buffing her nails with an emery board.] Have you been introduced to my current girlfriend?\nClassi: My name is Classi, with an I, and a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A S S.\nJimmy: Nice to meet you, Classi.\nNathan: All I had to do was work for the ads and I got everything I wanted. My own loft, with all of ShiTpaTown right at my doorstep. All it took was some PC and the whole thing was set in motion.\nJimmy: Oh great. So now ads are using PC for their own gain? That's a new low.\nNathan: What is PC but a verbal form of gentrification? Spruce everything up, get rid of all the ugliness in order to create a false sense of paradise. Only one thing can actually live in that world. Ads.\nJimmy: I know I've said it before, but man, do I hate ads.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's in the living room watching a movie and eating chips on the sofa. The lights come on and Liane appears at the foot of the stairs\nLiane: Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed!\nCartman: Yeah, I just want finish this movie.\nLiane: No, Eric! This is a school night!\nCartman: Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax.\nLiane: You most certainly are! Right now, mister!\nCartman: I will go to bed [stands up and aims his gun at her] when this movie is over, Mom!\nLiane: Eric, where did you get that?\nCartman: Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up.\nLiane: Eric, you march right up to your room, and you-\nCartman: I don't think so, Mom.\nLiane: Eric, you get your butt to bed!\nCartman: No means no, Bill Cosby!\nLiane: [draws a gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now!\nCartman: Whoa, Mom, what the hell?\nLiane: I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time... for night-night!\nCartman: Mom, put down the gun.\nLiane: [advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you!\nCartman: Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her.]\nLiane: Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him]\nCartman: I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward.]\nLiane: Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie.\nCartman: Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard]\nLiane: [caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen]\nScene Description: Randy's garage. day. He's in there with Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn\nRandy: There has to be something. Some clue as to what we're dealing with.\nPrincipal Victoria: The news stories PC Principal researched are all so contradictory, as if whatever these things are have control over the news somehow.\nRandy: That sounds like vampires to me.\nPrincipal Victoria: We have to find out who had me fired with the Cosby joke. It's the key to knowing what we're dealing with.\nStan: Principal Victoria? [the adults take notice] Mr. Garrison? Caitlyn Jenner?\nRandy: Stan, what the hell are you doing in here?\nStan: Tell me what's going on, Dad?\nRandy: Nothing. We're just hanging out, talking about Coldplay, alright?\nStan: [pulls out his gun and aims it at the adults. The adults hold their hands up] No! I wanna know what the hell is going on right now!\nRandy: What are you doing with that?\nStan: Kyle said I couldn't trust you! What are you planning, Dad?\nRandy: Stan, it isn't what you think.\nStan: Then what is it?!\nRandy: Look, I need to show you something, okay? You need to see this, son. [slowly reaches into his back pocket as Stan watches intensely, whips out his gun and aims it at Stan] Ohh! Psych! Now put the fucking gun down, bitch!\nStan: I'm gonna go tell Mom!\nRandy: Oh yeah? You go tell her! I'll tell her you had a gun! You'll be in more trouble than me! [Stan looks to the door, then at Randy] Stan! I am your dad. Put the gun down and sit over there.\nStan: [runs out of the garage] Mom!\nRandy: Shit! [runs after him]\nScene Description: An aircraft carrier at sea. A helicopter drops down onto it and three sailors arrive to greet it. Other sailors stand nearby. The helicopter door opens and PC Principal, in handcuffs, is escorted out by two soldiers.\nWeathers: Took a lot to hunt you down, PC Principal. You mind tellin' me why you're goin' around the world shootin' up revitalized arts and foods districts?\nPC Principal: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.\nWeathers: Try me!\nPC Principal: [faces him] I don't know what they are, but they used me and others like me to try and change this planet.\nWeathers: You don't know what \"who\" are?\nJohnson: Sir! The President is on the phone. He wants to talk to you about PC Principal. [PC Principal looks at him as Weathers gets the phone]\nWeathers: Yes, Mr. President? I see, sir. Yes, I understand. [lowers the phone and relays the President's orders] We're to release him immediately, no questions asked. And we're not supposed to believe anything he tells us. [the helicopter soldiers come and take the cuffs off him]\nPC Principal: Huh, ain't that a peach?\nWeathers: He's being set free now, Mr. President. Can I tell the commander why?\nLeslie: [in President Obama's voice] This is a matter of national security. [the camera pulls back to show that she's at the Park Motel]\nWeathers: I understand, sir.\nLeslie: Thank you. God bless you.\nWeathers: God bless you too, sir.\nLeslie: May God bless the United States of America. [hangs up and puts her phone away, then leaves the bathroom. Kyle is waiting outside]\nKyle: Are you okay?\nLeslie: Yeah, just feeling butterflies. And my hands are freezing!\nKyle: Here. [holds her hands to warm them up]\nLeslie: Thank you, Kyle. [smiles]\nKyle: Don't worry, Leslie. I won't let anything happen to you. [smiles back and blinks]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. day. He has his gun drawn. Behind him are the living room, Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn.\nRandy: I'm warning you: you're on the wrong side of this! We're just trying to get answers!\nSharon: [has a gun drawn on Randy] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!\nRandy: He pulled one on me first, Sharon!\nStan: Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!\nRandy: [aims his gun at Stan] Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!\nSharon: I told you to leave him alone!\nShelly: God I hate this family! [pulls out her own gun and aims it at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!\nRandy: [shifts his aim from Stan to Shelly] Whoa! Whoa, Shelly! Put down the gun, Shelly!\nShelly: You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!\nStan: [shifts his aim from Randy to Shelly] She doesn't always take my side!\nShelly: [turns and aims at Stan] You shut up or I swear to God I'll use this!\nRandy: Shelly, put it down, now!\nShelly: [shifts her aim to Randy] You don't even try to know me, Dad!\nRandy: I want to, Shelly! I just sometimes feel like you hate me!\nSharon: I feel like you hate me, Randy!\nRandy: [shifts his aim from Shelly to Sharon] I don't hate you, I love you! I need to be a better husband, [aims at Stan, who aims back] a better father! [shifts his aim to Shelly]\nStan: We all need to be better to each other! [Shelly shifts her aim to Stan, then to Randy, and then to Sharon]\nShelly: Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!\nRandy: [lowers his gun] I love you guys. [Sharon lowers her gun]\nStan: [lowers his gun] We love you too, Dad. [Shelly lowers hers] We just wanna know what's going on with you.\nRandy: Alright. I'll tell you everything. [caresses his gun] Wow, these things are amazing. [all the while Grandpa Marvin just ate. He didn't pull out a gun, and none was pulled on him.]\nScene Description: Jimbo's Guns, day. He's getting a lot of customers. Thomas and Laura Tucker enter. Inside are the Stotch, the Stevens, the Testaburger, and the Rodriguez parents. Clyde is there with his dad. Jimbo is behind the main counter, Ned is behind a side counter. An elderly woman approaches Jimbo\nJimbo: Alright, Mrs. Farnicle, enjoy, and remember: if the safety's on, you're good as gone. [Mrs. Farnicle leaves with her purchase] Okay, and next customer, please. [Officer Barrady, in civilian clothes, steps up with his purchase] Hah, going for the big one, huh? You must be feeling extra jumpy.\nOfficer Barbrady: You don't know the half of it.\nJimbo: [prepares the shotgun for him] Well, this thing should make you feel more at ease. You know, you ought-ta check out the gun show.\nOfficer Barbrady: The gun show?\nJimbo: [pulls up a sign and shows it to him] Yeah, it's gonna have everything! And with guns bein' so popular, practically everyone in town is gonna be in attendance!\nOfficer Barbrady: The entire town in one location? [this spooks him] Oh my God!\nScene Description: A Park Motel bathroom. Leslie is inside on the phone\nLeslie: The principal has become our biggest problem. We need a news headline that will draw him back to town.\nNathan: [in his loft, away from Jimmy] Oh, you're gonna sponsor my content some more, baby? I'm all ears.\nScene Description: The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. While Nathan talks to Leslie on the phone, Jimmy chats up Classi\nJimmy: I've got to get to the Super School News. Hey, Classi, you think you can get me my crutches?\nClassi: Mah, I don't think Nathan would like that.\nJimmy: You seem like a reasonable person. Do you really wanna live in a world controlled by ads? I mean, come on, Classi.\nClassi: No. It's C-Lasssi, with an I. The little dick that hangs off the C fucks the L out of the ASS. CL-ASSSI.\nJimmy: Sorry, my bad. Look, I'm a news reporter, Claaassi, and in a world where ads control the news, there's no way to be sure anyone is ever hearing the truth.\nClassi: Truth about what?\nScene Description: A Park Motel room. The blinds are drawn and Kyle peeks through the slats\nLeslie: We can't just hide, Kyle. We have to let people know PC is the enemy before it's too late.\nKyle: Leslie, we don't know who is on their side. We have to stay safe.\nLeslie: The principal is going to try and make up some crazy story. That's what PC people do. You have to get in front of everyone and tell them what you've learned.\nKyle: I... [turns aside and walks off] gave up giving speeches.\nLeslie: But why? I came to you because I had heard how good you were at getting messages across. That and because... [smiles] I thought you were cute.\nKyle: I'm sure I'd have no problem giving a speech if you could be by my side.\nLeslie: Well... I can't go with you, you know. It's too dangerous.\nKyle: Not if we go somewhere that's completely safe from any violence.\nLeslie: Where?\nKyle: The gun show.\nLeslie: Gun show?\nKyle: There'll be so many guns that nothing bad can happen.\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy has brought the laptop to the table. Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn join him around the dining room table as Shelly and Grandpa eat, and all their guns are on the table\nSharon: Someone purposely had Principal Victoria replaced with a new principal?\nRandy: Yes. They wanted to use his PC as a means to start gentrification in our town.\nMr. Garrison: That'w why we thought PC Principal was behind it. But now we know they were just using his PC abilities to service their own needs.\nRandy: When the pussy-crusher story came out in Super School News, it started to make PC Principal question himself. He started digging for answers. They didn't like that, so they tried to distract and mislead him. With this. [the distractions begin] Sorry, that's an ad for McDonald's, hold on. With... this. Oh. N, oh, there's that ad again. God these things are annoying. Anyways, whatever these beings are, they try to keep anyone from knowing the truth from [another pop-up ad] Ugh, I don't wanna see a slideshow. PC Principal said something was trying to divert and distract his subconscious mind with this. [The US-Thailand article comes up, with the accompanying State Farm ad. Stan gets a good look at it]\nStan: Wait... That's Leslie. [walks away from the table] Oh my God... It's Kyle.\nMr. Garrison: Kyle?\nStan: Kyle has been protecting Leslie. They're together. He's been making everyone feel paranoid and saying you're the enemy, Dad.\nRandy: [rises from his chair] Well then, it's time to go ask Kyle why he sold out his own kind.\nPrincipal Victoria: How will we get him to talk?\nRandy: We're going to kill him with kindness. But instead of kindness we're going to use guns.\nMr. Garrison: Yeah!\nStan: Yeah!\nRandy: Come on, let's go! [everyone grabs a gun and heads out the front door. Randy looks at Shelly] Shelly, you take care of Grandpa!\nShelly: Oooo-kay! [aims her gun at Marvin's head and Randy realizes what she's doing]\nRandy: Nonono, don't shoot Grandpa, just literally take care of him. [follows the others outside and hops into Caitlin's car with them.]\nCaitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroos! [starts the car, backs out of the driveway, and runs over an elderly woman and her dog. The dog is unscathed, but the woman is dead and mangled up]\nScene Description: The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. Nathan walks up to Jimmy and hands him a copy of the school paper for tomorrow\nNathan: Here it is, Jimmy. Hot off the presses.\nJimmy: What is that?\nNathan: The newest edition of Super School News, hitting the streets tomorrow.\nJimmy: Tragedy at gun show? What happened at the gun show?\nNathan: Not what happened, what's going to happen. The final sweeping underneath the rug. By this time tomorrow nobody will be asking questions ever again. The ads will have won. And I will be... The man.\nClassi: I think the ads are playin' yo' ass.\nNathan: [slaps her across the face] Shut up Classiii!\nClassi: Oh heeelllllll no!\nNathan: What?\nClassi: Oh hell no! Yo' Down's Symdrome ass just slapped me! I'mo break your dick off! [picks him up and slams him into the glass wall that doubles as a window]\nNathan: Hang on, Classi, I'm sorry.\nClassi: [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' ass! [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' nose. I ain't no Mimsy, asshole! [punches him] I'm a classy bitch! [punches him] And I do not! [punches him] Want ads! [punches him] Controllin' my news! [punches him. He groans as she lets him drop to the floor and walks away. She brings Jimmy's crutches to Jimmy]\nJimmy: Classi! Thank you.\nClassi: You need my help? You got it!\nJimmy: I need your phone to call Officer Barbrady. And we have to get to that gun show, fast!\nClassi: Quick! To the Classi mobile! [they leave the loft and hop into her car, and finally drive away]\nScene Description: The South Park Gun Show. The show's sign and trophy are shown onscreen.\nAnnouncer: Welcome back to the South Park Gun Show. We've had over 2000 gorgeous guns come through this arena today. It's been whittled down to seven, the winners from each group. David, take us down theh line. [the seven are: Stephen Stotch, Fr. Maxi, Mayor McDaniels, Jimbo Kern, Linda Black, Ryan Valmer, and Richard Adler]\nDavid: First we have the beautiful Yorkshire 33mm with proud owner Stephen Stotch.\nAnnouncer: An absolutely gorgeous gun, David.\nDavid: The playful and lovely Australian semiautomatic owned by Father Maxi.\nAnnouncer: And there's the Mayor with her delightful Rhodesian ridgeback shotgun-rifle mix.\nDavid: That's a favorite of the crow here. Always a favorite at these shows.\nCartman: That's a nice gun right there.\nDavid: The judge now asking to see that Yorkshire 33mm up close.\nAnnouncer: And there it is, just a beautiful gun in motion. Everybody loves it. [Stephen starts to prance aroundn with it, then returns to his mark. The crowd applauds its approval.] Looks like the judge wants to take another look at that shotgun-rifle mix. [The Mayor takes out a clicker and prances around with her shotgun-rifle mix. She returns to her mark and Jimbo takes his turn]\nDavid: And next up will be the-\nRandy: Nobody move! [enters the arena with Garrison, Victoria, Caitlyn, Sharon, and Stan]\nMr. Garrison: Everyone just stay where you are!\nAnnouncer: And it looks like the gun show is under attack, David. [everyone in attendance gets their guns and arms them.]\nDavid: Yes, six armed gunmen have entered the arena, one of which is carrying an absolutely gorgeous little Pekingese Glock 17.\nRandy: Listen to me, everyone! There are beings who are purposely gentrifying the Earth so that humans can no longer afford it! We've been looking for Kyle Broflovski! Somebody's hiding him! [the spectators begin pointing guns at each other]\nKyle: [enters the arena at the far end with Leslie] Don't listen to them! The real conspiracy here are the PC extremists who have no problem killing whoever doesn't think like they do! [faces Stan] You son of a bitch Stan! How could you have sided with the enemy?!\nStan: Fuck you, Kyle! You're the enemy!\nJimmy: [enters the arena at the near end] You both got it wrong. [he's with Classi and Barbrady]\nKyle: Jimmy?\nMr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady?\nRandy: Classi?\nSharon: [aims her gun at Randy] Randy??\nJimmy: Kyle, I know you probably thought Leslie was a kind, caring girl. But the truth is she's just an ad.\nRandy: An ad?\nOfficer Barbrady: They've become sentient, They've taken human form. You can't tell what's human and what's an ad anymore.\nMr. Garrison: Oh, Jeez, are you serious?! How am I supposed to fuck an ad to death?!\nRandy: Woah, flippin' ads! They're such a pain in the ass!\nKyle: You told me Jimmy was dead.\nStan: So now we know who got Principal Victoria fired!\nMr. Mackey: [looks around, then jumps out of his seat] Nobody move! Okay?! Everyone just stay where you are!\nRandy: Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: Yes, I wanted Principal Victoria fired! But I didn't want any of this!\nPrincipal Victoria: You got me fired?! Why?!\nMr. Mackey: Eighteen years of answerin' to you! EIGHTEEN YEARS! Of you always... tellin' me what to do!\nPrincipal Victoria: If you had problems with me, why didn't you just talk to me?\nMr. Mackey: You never listen!! Nobody listens to me! They just expect me to listen to them!\nGerald: Maybe we should have realized that sometimes the counselor needs counseling.\nMr. Mackey: I don't know, maybe I got manipulated by these ads too somehow but, I should have been a better person!\nRandy: We all could be better people! All of us! We all played a part!\nStephen: Maybe from now on people in this town need to communicate more! Care about each other!\nMr. Garrison: If we're gonna defeat our enemies, that's what it's gonna take! All of us, together! [with all the speeches done, they lower their weapons]\nRandy: If only we'd had these before, huh?\nLeslie: [now isolated] Every time you block us, we get smarter. Every time you try to stop us, we are more. If one plan fails, we will plan another. You will never be rid of ads!\nPC Principal: HEY LESLIE! [she look to her left] Your species took PC and twisted it for evil purposes. [he runs towards her and drops the mic] THAT PISSES ME OFF! [he reaches her and delivers a right hook, then a left one, then does this again. He picks her up like a rag doll and holds her by the neck] You're expelled. [he delivers a final blow that goes clear through her head, but instead of blood, a day-glow blue liquid oozes out of it]\nCartman: Yes, dude!\nRandy: Well, I guess there's just one last thing to take care of.\nScene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. The town has gathered in front of Whole Foods.\nRandy: Why did it have to be like this?! Why couldn't we try to live on this planet together?! Maybe we're not perfect beings, but we built a better town. We didn't need you to do that! And we'll keep on trying to make it better!\nSharon: Randy, you're yelling at a Whole Foods.\nRandy: Go on, get outta here! We know! Others will know! [holds up the latest edition of the Super School News, which has Leslie on the front page under the headline \"YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE AN AD\"] It isn't going to be so easy! Not anymore! [the ground begins to rumble underfoot and the sidewalk begins to crack open. The Whole Foods lifts off like a flying saucer, turns around, and flies away]\nScene Description: A flag blows on a pole, presumably outside of the school.\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and micro-aggressions against our species. [a series of popup ads floats by] We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. [a boy is shown at his computer at home, watching as ads fill his monitor] They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. [PC Principal is shown holding a school assembly as he had in earlier episodes] But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. [Caitlyn puts a Garrison/Jenner pin on Mr. Garrison's lapel and straightens his tie. Then they bump fists and Garrison goes onstage] The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible.\nStan: This is going to be really hard."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium. The girl's volleyball team are warming up.\nJim: Hello everyone and welcome back. We are live at South Park Elementary School where the local girl's volleyball team is about to take on the Jefferson Sabers.\nMike: And, hey Jim, it is packed. Sellout crowds tonight, first time in team history. Everyone turning out to see what's going to happen.\nJim: [Camera switches to Nichole, who is stretching] That's right, Mike. All eyes are of course on fourth grader Nichole Daniels. Will she sit or stand for the National Anthem? [The crowd stare at her.]\nMike: This week with athletes all over the country sitting down for the National Anthem, [Two people are seen holding a banner reading 'WE SUPPORT YOU NICHOLE!'] the question on everyone's mind is \"What is this little girl gonna do?\"\nJimbo: She's not gonna sit down. Why would she?\nRandy: Screw that. I've got 100 bucks riding on this. Come on, Nichole. Sit on it!\nSports Commentator: Now please rise for the National Anthem. [they stand up.]\nRandy: This is it.\nMike: The National Anthem starts. Nichole Daniels seems to be waiting. So far no si... Oh! [The camera moves to Heidi Turner, who is sitting down.] And Heidi Turner is sitting down!\nCrowd: Ooh!\nJim: Might be totally unexpected. All eyes were on Nichole when Heidi Turner comes out of nowhere and sits down.\nMike: [Interrupting] And there goes Meghan Ridley! The crowd is going wild. What a turn of events! Let's check in with Dave.\nDave: And Mike, I've just looked at the girl's Twitter accounts and it appears they are sitting out the National Anthem to protest the harassment and trolling they receive on the Internet.\nMike: Complete surprise, Dave. Nobody saw this coming. Three girls now sitting down and finally, there goes Nichole.\nRandy: Wow, Yeah, 100 bucks!\nJim: And, as the anthem draws to a close, this thing is over.\nMike: The final result, four athletes sitting out of the National Anthem, three of them not even black. A shocker here in South Park, thanks for joining us. [People start leaving]\nStephen: Oh my god, that was great. [The crowds empty out, leaving only a few left.]\nReferee: Ah, play ball. [Blows whistle. The girls start playing.]\nScene Description: PC Principal's office. He's addressing the girls\nPC Principal: Alright, ladies. First of all I wanna say that I completely respect your decision to protest our national anthem. Thought it was sweet. I believe you shed some light on some very important issues regarding gender equality.\nHeidi: What are you doing about Eric Cartman?!\nPC Principal: Ladies, I understand you're upset about the trolling you've received on the Internet, but there is no evidence that Eric Cartman is Skankhunt42.\nWendy: It is him, it's completely obvious, and nobody is doing anything about it!\nPC Principal: Well he claims that he's been working at changing himself and the world around him. [presses the intercom button] Send in Mr. Cartman.\nCartman: [opens the door and enters] You wanted to see me, PC Principal?\nPC Principal: Mr. Cartman, I'm gonna ask you one more time, are you or are you not the Internet troll Skankhunt42?\nCartman: It's \"Skankhunt42\" and no I am not.\nHeidi: He's lying. Make him show you his phone.\nCartman: Unfortunately, that'd be a breach of my civil rights, but I can assure you, nobody respected you girls' poignant protest more than I did.\nScene Description: The U.S. Senate, day.\nJoe Biden: Fellow Senators, our nation is divided like never before. While people everywhere fight for their voices to be heard, perhaps it is time for us to consider that our national anthem needs to be changed. Americans need an anthem that inspires and excites, an anthem that has something for everyone while still paying tribute to what it once was. I believe there's only one person capable of achieving this. [clicks on a handheld button and the picture behind him changes] J.J. Abrams.\nSenators: [murmuring among themselves] J.J. Abrams!\nJoe Biden: He saved Star Wars, and now we will ask him to save our country.\nScene Description: Three helicopters take to the sky and fly out of sight\nScene Description: J.J. Abrams' mansion. The helicopters touch down by the front gates and the senators pour out\nLady Senator: [over a megaphone] Mr. Abrams? Mr. Abrams, we need to speak with you.\nMale Senator: Look, there. [a light comes on at the left end of the second floor, and a shadow stops by the window]\nLady Senator: [over the megaphone] Mr. Abrams I speak on behalf of Americans everywhere. We've come to ask you to reboot the national anthem. Please Mr. Abrams. We know you've been asked to reboot a lot.\nSenator 2: [whispering] We know you're tired.\nLady Senator: We know you're tired.\nSenator 3: [takes the megaphone] What do you say, sir? We all want something new and that makes us remember the things we lost. We want to 'member! We need your 'member berries! [Abrams mulls it over]\nMale Senator: One light means yes, two lights means no. [Abrams reaches to his left and one light comes on. The gathered crowd goes wild.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gym, day. Cartman holds a school assembly\nCartman: Fellow students, as you know, an Internet troll by the name of Skankhunt42 has been harassing women and girls by making degrading comments on our school message board. The girls are very upset, and many male students believe that it's just because girls don't have a sense of humor. I beg to disagree. Girls rule, women are funny, get over it. Just the other day, in the hallway, I heard two male students saying how the new Ghostbusters sucked balls. I was shocked and appalled. It is time for us all to realize and accept that girls are cool, and women are funny. Wendy? Wendy, could you come up here, please? Come on up, Wendy. Wendy Testaburger, guys. [some of the kids clap, Wendy stands up and walks over to Cartman] Wendy, go ahead. Be funny. [he holds the mic to her face, and she looks at him warily. He tried harder, she leans farther away] Say something funny, Wendy. We can't wait.\nWendy: I'm not funny.\nCartman: Hey, girls are funny, Wendy. Okay? Get over it. Just do women's comedy stuff. You know, talk about how fat you are and how you wanna have sex with guy and then say \"my vagina\" a lot..\nWendy: I don't feel like being funny right now.\nCartman: And that's just the kind of sexist bull-crap that's gonna keep you in the kitchen. Sit your ass down. [Wendy goes back to her spot on the gym floor] This isn't a joke, you guys. Girls are funny. Bebe, why don't you come up here? Come on, Bebe.\nBebe: NO!\nCartman: No? Come on, talk about havin' sex with guys, and say \"vagina\" and stuff like that. Go ahead. [looks her over quickly] Girls rule, women are funny. Bebe, get over yourself. Seriously.\nBebe: Get the mic out of my face!\nCartman: [moves away] Huh. Oh my God, that wasn't really all that funny. That's weird. Um, let's see. Red? You have any zingers for the crowd? No? How about you, Nelly?\nNelly: Yeah, I got one. You're a fat fuck! [Butters got a great laugh out of that one]\nCartman: K, that wasn't really funny, it was just angry.\nNelly: [stands up] You see, what the problem is, is that when a little troll is allowed to say anything he wants anonymously, then he speaks for all you boys!\nCartman: K, that's good, now just try to say it a little funnier now.\nNelly: Go ahead and get on our school message board and see what he's saying about us! Then see if you guys think it's funny!\nCartman: Okay, and then, and then, and then just go, \"my vagina.\"\nScene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy is watching a news segment on CNN\nNews anchor 1: And as our country seems to be more and more divided, the only hope is that J.J. Abrams' new national anthem will appeal to everyone and bring back those nostalgic member berries we know and love.\nRandy: Oh great. Everything's getting a reboot now. [There's a knock on the door and he answers it.]\nPollster: Hello sir. I'm with the Gallup poll. We're trying to get a read on how people will be voting in the upcoming Presidential election?\nRandy: Oh. Oh-okay.\nPollster: Great. And will you be voting for the giant douche or the turd sandwich?\nRandy: Well, this is usually a giant douche household but... we're going firmly with the turd sandwich.\nPollster: Oh, the turd sandwich, huh?\nRandy: That's right. [Sharon appears behind him and sees him talking to the Pollster] You can put my wife and I both down for turd sandwich.\nPollster: Well, good luck with that, heh. So far, giant douche is leading in the polls.\nRandy: [shocked] What?\nScene Description: Marsh Dining Room\nRandy: What the hell is wrong with people?! They really think that a giant douche should be President?? It's insane!\nSharon: Why'd you say I'd be voting for the turd sandwich, Randy? You haven't even talked to me about it.\nRandy: You can't possibly be thinking about voting for the douche?!\nStan: Hhhawgh!\nRandy: What's wrong with you?\nStan: I just don't understand why every four years you people freak out over whether to vote for a giant douche or a turd sandwich.\nRandy: [snidely] Because we're Americans. 'Cause this is America\nStan: Why are we doing this again? Why are we back to giant douche and turd sandwich?\nRandy: [holds his palms out like fans] Cyyynical. Cynical maaan. You just think everything and everyone is dumb, huh? 'Cause you're a kneel-ist.\nStan: It's nihilist.\nRandy: See, you're such a nihilist.\nScene Description: News Report\nNews anchor 2: Newest Gallup Poll results are in and they show Giant Douche to be leading Turd Sandwich by nearly 10%. Turd Sandwich has said there's no reason to panic.\nHillary Clinton (Turd Sandwich): Polls are of course a useful tool, but they can often be misleading. Our campaign is holding strong.\nReporter 1: [after some clamor from the press corps] Mrs. Turd Sandwich?\nHillary: Yes, Arthur?\nArthur: Uh, Mrs. Sandwich, do you believe that your opponent will gain any momentum from this poll?\nHillary: I'm sure that like me, Giant Douche realizes that polls are never the final answer.\nScene Description: The Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Mr. Garrison and Caitlyn are dancing around to \"Cake By The Ocean\"\nGarrison: Yeah! Suck that poll you dumb bitch! Up 10%. Can you believe that shit?! [walks over to the table on which the radio sits] Oh, Caitlyn. I think we're really gonna win this thing! Think about it. [softly, awed] In a couple of months I will be President of the United States. [begins to worry and turns off the radio] Caitlyn, can I ask you somethin'? Uh, when we actually get into the White House, like um, what are we gonna do?\nCaitlyn: What do you mean?\nGarrison: Well I mean, like, you know, once we're President and Vice-President, like, what do we do then?\nCaitlyn: How the fuck should I know?\nGarrison: [getting exasperated] Cait, you, you heard about the poll, right? We're probably gonna win. Don't tell me you don't have a plan.\nCaitlyn: What plan? I thought you had a plan.\nGarrison: I don't have any fuckin' plan! That's why I have you! I'm gonna be the President and you're gonna be in charge of all foreign and domestic policies!\nCaityln: I thought you were gonna do that part.\nGarrison: Are you tellin' me that we're about to be voted into office and we have no idea what the fuck we're gonna do?? [makes two fists] Ohhh Jeeez!\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's Office, Kyle is talking to him\nKyle: I think they called it German Collective Guilt, right? Where even the Germans who just did nothing while Hitler rose to power were, were maybe somehow also responsible?\nMr. Mackey: Uh huh, uh, m'kay, okay.\nKyle: But I can't control what Cartman does, so, so why should I feel ashamed for what Cartman does?\nMr. Mackey: Well J.J. Abrams was just rebooting the National Anthem, Kyle, so everything's gonna be fine, m'kay?\nKyle: I don't think the answer to all this is member berries.\nMr. Mackey: You don't like mem- member berries?\nKyle: Agh, never mind. I'm just gonna stay out of it. [gets up and leaves the office. A few seconds later, Mr. Mackey opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a mason jar with member berries in it. He opens the jar and lifts the berries out]\nBerries: Oh I 'member. 'Member Chewbacca? Yeah. And 'member AT-ATs? Member? Ey! Hey, 'member Ghostbusters? Ohh, I 'member. 'Member Slimer? Oh, I loved Slimer. 'Member? Ohh, I 'member. [they keep 'membering]\nMr. Mackey: How could someone think these things are bad? [plucks a berry and eats it]\nScene Description: Decision 2016, Commander In Chief Forum, from HBC News\nAnnouncer: The Commander in Chief Forum, with a giant douche and a turd sandwich.\nModerator: Back now with the Commander in Chief Forum. I am joined by the Republican nominee, a giant douche.\nGarrison: Thanks, Matt.\nMatt: Mr. Douche, some say you don't actually have a viable plan in place if you were to be elected President.\nGarrison: Huh! Huh well, well who said that? The turd sandwich?\nMatt: In your campaign, you said that you will deal with our country's immigrants and enemies by personally [reading his notes] fucking them all to death. How do you plan to actually achieve that?\nGarrison: Well, Matt, I don't think I said I would fuck them all to death.\nMatt: Okay, well, let's roll the tape on that.\nGarrison: Oh, sure, okay. [they sit back as clips from previous statements are aired. First, from the time the fleeing Canadian kids were enrolled at South Park Elementary] Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's \"fuck them all to death!\" [At Niagara Falls] Fuck them all to death! Let's make this country great again!\nCrowd: Fuck them all to death!\nGarrison: [St. Louis] And then I'm gonna take all the drug pushers in our country, and I'm gonna fuck them-! [another rally] And you know those people in Syria, I'm gonna fuck them! [in Washington, D.C., all worked up] That's how we'll make sure that every terrorist on earth is fuckin' dead! [in a desert] The leaders of North Korea? I'll fuck them all, yeah! [Club Emotion] Yeah! Yeah! [another rally] The criminals in our jails?! Fuckin' dead a day after I- [another rally] Yeah! Those ads that are tryin' to kill us? I'll fuck anyone in the advertising business! And they'll all die too!\nMatt: So by our estimates, it's roughly 7.6 million people you have promised to fuck to death in your first year of office.\nGarrison: Uh huh, okay.\nMatt: And, and, you think that's achievable?\nGarrison: I do. I do, Matt. Uh, I mean, I'm not gonna just get elected, you know, and, and look like a jackass. Huh, huhuh. [fearfully] Ohhh Jeeez.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, preschool room. Class is in session\nTeacher: Alright kids, today we have a very special treat. One of the older students has written an original children's story and is gonna read it to you. Come on over, Eric.\nCartman: [enters] Hi guys! [takes a seat] Are you all ready to hear a story?\nPreschoolers: Yeah!\nCartman: This was a book I created all with my imagination. It's called \"Little Red Riding Kyle. The story of a little gay boy and his adventure with four hilarious women. One day, Little Red Riding Kyle was walking through the forest thinking about guys. He was on his way to visit his grandma, who was a little black boy named Token.\" Get over it. \"But then, a big bad wolf who was a hilarious woman named Janet walked into the house and said 'I have a large vagina' and traded place-\" [Kyle enters and pull him out of the room.]\nScene Description: The hallway, moments later. Kyle shuts the door behind him\nKyle: What the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: Rebooting fairy tales to try and ease the friction caused by Internet trolls.\nKyle: You really think you're fooling anyone with this fake persona?! Everyone knows you're acting this way by day so you can be horrible to people on the Internet at night!\nCartman: Why would I do that, Kyle?\nKyle: I don't really care! Just don't drag me into it! [takes Cartman's book and slams it down on the floor, then walks away angrily]\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. Randy is at the bar with Jimbo and Stephen\nRandy: What is wrong with people, huh?! How can they vote against a turd sandwich more than a giant douche?! It's senseless!\nStephen: Randy, you gotta calm down.\nRandy: [grabs onto Stephen] How can anyone be calm at a time like this?! [lets go] People actually think a turd is worse than a douche!\nStephen: Look, maybe you need some supplements to help calm your nerves. Have you heard of member berries?\nRandy: Member berries?\nStephen: It's a new superfruit that helps you mellow out and relax.\nScene Description: Stephen's master bedroom, night. He leads Randy in, opens the top drawer of his dresser, pulls out a box and sets it on top of the dresser, closes the drawer, and opens the box. The berries are chatting away.\nBerries: 'Member The Fugitive? 'Member Bambi? 'Member Alien Nation? Yeah, I 'member...\nStephen: The guys at work told me about them. Been taking them about six months now. I'll telling you, they really take the edge off.\nBerries: 'Member Explorers? The little kids in a spaceship? 'Member storm troopers? 'Member?\nRandy: Oh, they're adorable. [plucks one and eats it]\nScene Description: Garrison/Jenner headquarters. A team of advisers is listening to Garrison as he paces around the room\nGarrison: Come on, people! I need answers! Real solutions! You're my advisers, for Christ's sake! How do we do this?!\nAdviser 1: Maybe, if you swam in a pool in Florida, you could contract the Zika virus. Then you fuck all the people you can, and hope they eventually die.\nGarrison: That would take way too long! And there's no guarantee every pool in Florida has Zika!\nAdviser 2: Could you use nuclear weapons? Then fuck all the bodies after the fact?\nGarrison: [walks to the table and takes a seat] Ugh! What the hell do I do? If I win I won't be able to do what I promised. But every day I keep going up in the polls. Why did the Democrats have to elect such a turd sandwich?\nCaitlyn: Maybe you should just quit.\nGarrison: If I quit, I look like a total jackass. [gets up and walks away, stopping by the \"Pin The Tail On The Donkey\" picture with Hillary's face on it.] If I win the election, I look like a total jackass. I have to keep running, [turns to face the picture] but I have to make sure she wins.\nScene Description: dramatic music plays out\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway, and Butters is laughing at something on his phone. Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde stop and look at him\nButters: Haha! You guys see what Skankhunt42 did on the school server now? Hehe, he photo shopped a picture of Heidi Turner's mom with a dick in her mouth!\nCraig: I wanna see.\nButters: [shows the other boys] Look! There's Wendy's mom with a dick in her mouth too! [Jimmy laughs and takes a closer look]\nKyle: Goddammit! [takes the phone from Butters] Do you guys even care how this makes the girls feel?!\nCraig: We didn't do it.\nKyle: We all know who did! And if we don't do something, then the girls will eventually retaliate against us!\nCartman: [from a distance] Help! [the other boys see him as he runs to them] Help me! Augh! Aw! [reaches the other boys]\nButters: Eric! What happened!\nCartman: A bunch of girls! They cornered me in the gym! They said all boys needed to pay! They kicked and they hit me and, and they kept me down and drew this vagina on my face! [well, it's there, but with a pair of testicles attached to it] They said it was to send a message!\nClyde: That's a vagina?\nCartman: Yeah. See, here's the top of the vagina and there's the balls. [Kyle has lost interest] It's starting, you guys! None of us is safe anymore!\nKyle: [flatly] I didn't know vagina had balls.\nCartman: Yeah, no, they do! Vaginas totally have balls! Right?\nKyle: You're just trying to start a war, aren't you?!\nCartman: What do you mean? If vaginas don't have balls, what do they have?\nKyle: It's not gonna work, Cartman! I'm not gonna let you divide boys and girls in this school anymore! when this whole thing comes to an end, you're gonna be all on your own! [walks away]\nScene Description: Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Garrison and Jenner now have a bank of phones, computers, and phone directories on the table and they're cold-calling people with them.\nGarrison: Hello sir, how are you today? I'm calling from the Campaign for President, just seeing if uh, I can get your support for Hillary Clinton today. Yes, I know she's a turd sandwich, but you know if ya, if you look past that, you know she, she really has a lot to offer. Well, I hear you, but sometimes in life you just gotta suck a turd, you know? Hello? [hangs the phone up up with anger] Dammit! This is impossible! Are you having' any success, Caitlyn?!\nCaitlyn: I've tried to get people on board, but she's just such a turd sandwich. You're just gonna have to do something awful to throw the election.\nGarrison: Every time I do something awful people just get more stoked on me! It's impossible to piss people off anymore!\nScene Description: CNN breaking news\nAnchor 2: This is breaking news. The moment has arrived. It is here. J.J. Abrams says he has finished the new National Anthem.\nGarrison: Turn it up.\nAnchor 2: The anthem is sure to be fresh and exciting while recapturing the moments we all knew and loved. Democratic nominee Turd Sandwich said she will be in attendance to show her support for the rebooted anthem.\nGarrison: Ohhh Jeeez.\nAnchor 2: Let's all hope that this new anthem puts our differences aside and unites this nation once again.\nGarrison: That's it, Cait. That's what I have to do. I'm gonna sit out the National Anthem on live television. Then everyone will have to vote for that turd sandwich!\nScene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy is relaxing on the sofa with his bunch of member berries.\nBerries: 'Member Spock? Yeah. 'Member tricorders? I 'member. And 'member Bionic Man?\nRandy: Ohh, I 'member.\nBerry: Oh I loved Bionic Man [Randy plucks him and eats him.]\nBerries: 'Member the Millennium Falcon? 'member Chewbacca again? Oh I love to 'member Chewbacca. I 'member. 'Member? Hey hey hey! 'Member when there weren't so many Mexicans? Oh, I 'member.\nRandy: Wai- what?\nBerries: Yeah, yeah, yeah! 'Member when marriage was just between a man and a woman? I 'member! Oh, I 'member. Oh yeahhh.\nRandy: [fondly] Yeeah, I remember that. [catches himself] Wait.\nBerries: 'Member feeling safe? 'Member no ISIS? 'Member Reagan? Ohh, I 'member. Ooo, 'member? Ooo, 'member? [Randy sits up and spits out what's left of the berries he's eaten]\nRandy: What the fuck's going on with these member berries?\nScene Description: Kyle's bathroom. There's a knock on the door. Kyle is doing his business on the toilet\nKyle: Yeah?\nCartman: [opens the door and comes in] Hey broship. Got a minute?\nKyle: What are you doing here??\nCartman: You were right, Kyle. Okay? I drew the vagina on my face. I tried to fool people, but you keenly noticed my one tiny error in that girls don't have balls.\nKyle: I'm going to the bathroom!\nCartman: Kyle, you have to try and appreciate what I'm doing. I know that a war is coming between us and the girls. I knew it the moment they sat out the National Anthem.\nKyle: [finishes up and hops off the toilet, pulling his pants up] They sat it out because you were harassing them online.\nCartman: Suppose for one second that I'm not Skankhunt42. And that I really have been doing what I've been doing to try and stop the damage he has done?\nKyle: Why would you care?!\nCartman: 'Cause I'm scared, Kyle. I don't know if you've noticed, but race wars are back. And now if we get gender wars too??\nKyle: If we could just prove who the troll was, then the girls wouldn't be wanting a war, would they?!\nCartman: Yeah but... you can't track down an Internet troll, [peers down into the toilet] it's too bad.\nKyle: Just know this, Cartman! I'm going to prove who Skankhunt42 is, whatever it takes! Everyone is going to know! And Skankhunt is gonna pay for everything he's! ever! said!\nScene Description: Jim and Mike are back, this time commenting on the '49ers/Panthers game.\nMike: Hello everyone, we are live at tonight's game between the '49ers and the Panthers, but of course what everyone is really here for, the unveiling of the new National Anthem rebooted by J.J. Abrams.\nJim: And Mike, this new anthem is said to have everything the old one had but, some new surprises as well. You'd have to be an absolute asshole not to stand and support it.\nMike: This is such a big night for America that both Presidential candidates are here. [Hillary stands up and waves to the camera] There you can see the Turd Sandwich waving to all four people excited by her. [A shot of Garrison and Jenner in their own box, with Garrison waving happily to the crowd] And there's the Giant Douche doing the same.\nGarrison: When I sit down to not support this thing I'm sure to lose this election!\nAnnouncer: Ladies and Gentlemen-\nGarrison: Here it is!\nJim: And the Anthem begins, let's hope this fixes America.\nAnnouncer: For our National Anthem we now ask you all in solidarity to please rise. [Garrison sits down] Or sit, or take a knee, in order to honor America. [Kaepernick, who has taken a knee, is as confused as anyone else]\nGarrison: Wait a min- what, wait, what? Wait. [tries to strike a pose that isn't standing, sitting, or kneeling, but gets nothing.]\nJim: Ohhh! And J.J. Abrams has absolutely shattered expectations, Mike! Now whether people are standing, sitting, or kneeling, they are all honoring America. J.J. Abrams is a wizard, Tom. A wizard. [Colin Kaepernick is also trying to figure out what to do]\nMike: More people sitting now as Abrams has made it irrelevant. Who saw this coming?\nJim: And there's the rest of the Anthem, all the parts we remembered and loved. J.J. Abrams has fixed America.\nGarrison: No, this was supposed to! Oh! OHHH JEEEZ!\nScene Description: Reactions from around the town. At her house, Wendy looks at the TV in the living room, then turns left and walks away with an angry look on her face. Bebe is in her own bedroom looking at the TV with an angry look on her face too, then clicks off the TV to go to sleep. At the Daniels' house, Nichole watches the anthem with her parents in the living room, and she's looking angry too. She hops off the sofa and walks to her room. Finally, Kyle is in his room staring at the ceiling with an angry look on his face.\nGerald: [opens the bedroom door] Hey Kyle. [Kyle looks at him] You okay, son?\nKyle: Yeah Dad. Just thinkin'.\nGerald: Well um, I'll be in my office if you wanna talk. [leaves and closes the door. He walks to his office at the end of the hallway]\nScene Description: Gerald's office. He goes in and closes the door, turns on the radio to a jazz station on 88.1 FM and heads over to his computer, takes a seat, and pours himself some wine. He goes straight to the South Park Elementary Message Board and logs in. His user name? Skankhunt42. Once on the board, he gets to work with determination on his face. He breaks out in a mischievous smile while he's plugging away"}
{"text": "Scene Description: At the school gymnasium, the parents of South Park Elementary students are watching a presentation by Dr. Schroeder about internet trolls.\nDr. Wayne Schroeder: Nobody is safe. Nobody can hide from these monsters. Internet trolls are truly predators of society. As parents we find it hard to believe our children are doing these things online, and that is why I've been asked to come and speak to you about the student who has been trolling your school message boards.\nScene Description: He changes the PowerPoint slide, showing a defaced picture of Heidi Turner's mother an example of internet trolling by Skankhunt42.\nDr. Schroeder: This troll is known only as Skankhunt42. [He cycles to the next slide.]\nDr. Schroeder: We believe it probable he's one of the boy students here, since his favorite target seems to be women. Here, you can see Heidi Turner's mother photo shopped with a penis in her mouth, after she defended her daughter's right to sit out the national anthem.\nScene Description: The crowd gasps and talk among each other.\nDr. Schroeder: Since then, this child has been trolling all over the internet. Visiting message boards, and social media, and filling it with vile comments and hate-filled garbage. [The camera pans to Gerald smiling as Dr. Schroeder talks.]\nDr. Schroeder: But trolling is on the rise with teenagers, and we all need to come together to stop it. We need every parent to look for the signs in their own child.\nScene Description: He changes PowerPoint to a slide titled 'Signs That my Child is a Troll'.\nDr. Schroeder: In order for us to find these secretive monsters, we need all parents to ask themselves: \"Could my child be a troll?\".\nScene Description: Sheila and Gerald's car, at night and after the PTA meeting.\nSheila: My God, what children are capable of now. What kind of hate would have to be in that child's heart?\nGerald: Well, you never know, could be someone who just, kind of thinks it's funny to stir the pot and watch everyone freak out. [Sheila gives Gerald a questioning look]\nGerald: Uh, you know! Maybe the fact that it's so not funny makes it somehow funny, to kids? Gosh, I-I certainly don't understand it.\nScene Description: A bridge over a river, snowing. The same picture is reposted by Butters on Twitter, and Heidi looks at it on her phone sadly. Heidi then slowly walks to the side edge of the bridge. Surveying the drop, she types on her phone whilst tearing up. The camera pans up, a splash is heard, and two white birds fly past.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Police cars are parked outside the school. Kyle walks down the hallway past sad kids and police officers who are interviewing the teachers. He turns his head to see Bebe bawling and another girl comforting her who is also bawling. Kyle then meets Stan and Clyde.\nKyle: Dude, what's going on?\nClyde: You didn't hear?\nKyle: Hear what? What happened?\nStan: Heidi Turner. She... she quit Twitter.\nKyle: Oh no. [Heidi walks past them, looking down.]\nStan: Yesterday after school, she wrote one last tweet that said goodbye forever, and then just got off for good.\nKyle: She'll get back on.\nStan: No dude, she threw her phone in a river. She's... she's gone.\nScene Description: At the South Park Elementary library, Mr. Mackey sits in front of a group of 4th graders to help them cope with their loss.\nMr. Mackey: Alright students, I know we're all dealing with the loss of a good friend. We have to accept the fact that Heidi won't be on social media anymore. I know we're all gonna miss her, m'kay. We're gonna miss, seeing what she's up to; miss seeing her silly pictures she'd post of her and her friends, m'kay.\nScene Description: Bebe breaks down and starts crying; Red shifts over to comfort her.\nMr. Mackey: But this is what can happen when someone gets bullied online to the point they just can't go on anymore. [Kyle angrily looks over at Cartman.]\nMr. Mackey: I know that some of you are feeling anger, m'kay. [Annie, Wendy, and Nichole are angrily looking down] Some of you are feeling a little guilt, asking how something like this can happen. But the best thing we can do for Heidi, is come together as friends, and as students, m'kay.\nMr. Mackey: So now, why don't we all get on Twitter, m'kay, and just tweet some of the, things we loved about Heidi, m'kay?\nScene Description: Everyone takes out their phones and an begins typing tweets on Twitter in memory of Heidi. Bebe continues weeping.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. Oh, that's nice, that's nice, m'kay. Oh, that's a good one Sarah, uh-huh. That-that's a - that's a pretty poem. Nice Butters. Oh, Heidi would have loved this so much. This is so special, m'kay.\nScene Description: At the South Park Elementary cafeteria, most girls are upset and the boys are eating at a table.\nStan: Okay. Can we all agree now, [Stan glares at Cartman] that whoever is doing this, needs to stop?\nCartman: Totally, you guys; this has gone far enough. [Kyle looks unimpressed.] The girls are really pissed off at us. [He drinks from a milk carton.]\nStan: So tonight, whoever is doing this, isn't going to do it again! 'Cause if he does, we're gonna have to do something about it!\nCartman: You hear that guys? It'd better not happen again tonight! [Kyle still looks unimpressed.] I am so, seriously.\nScene Description: Broflovski residence, night. Ike is playing Minecraft on his computer. Gerald enters Ike's room\nGerald: Ike? Can I talk to you? [Takes a seat on Ike's bed] Come on, pull up a chair.\nScene Description: Ike stops playing and sits next to Gerald.\nGerald: You know, we had a big parent meeting at the school tonight, and uh, apparently, there's someone trolling the school message boards and, putting... penises in people's mouths. And whoever it was then got a big reaction from it, so he's now putting penises in people's mouths all over the internet. And... he's actually getting pretty famous!\nGerald: Sooo, Annie Jerkin's mother started an online campaign to stop internet trolling with a picture of her and her daughter, and you know what happened? She got a dick in her mouth!\nGerald: Ha-okay, okay, I know, it's just guy humor stuff, you know. We can laugh about about it here, but, it is serious too. Well, love you pal. Get to sleep, it's a school night.\nScene Description: Gerald smiles at Ike before leaving. In the hallway, Sheila encounters Gerald\nGerald: Oh, hey!\nSheila: Did you talk to him?\nGerald: Yeah, yeah, we talked. It was good.\nSheila: Oh, that's good.\nGerald: Yeah, well, I'd better go and get some of my work done.\nSheila: Oh, right, right, yeah.\nGerald: Yeah, don't wait up. I'll be a while with these stupid case profiles.\nSheila: All right. Night Gerald.\nGerald: Night sweetie. [Gerald receives a kiss from Sheila]\nScene Description: In his office, Gerald turns on the lights and puts Smokin' by Boston on his turntable in the background. He pours some wine from a hidden compartment into a glass, sits at his desk, puts on his glasses, and starts surfing on Facebook. Text boxes pop up as background impressions voice over them.\nWoman 1: Hey! Just wanna remind everyone about the ice cream social to benefit homeless teens. Looking for volunteers.\nGerald: Hey, I'd like to volunteer to kick you in the vagina! Where do I sign up?!\nScene Description: More surfing of Facebook\nWoman 2: This is my daughter at the triathlon today! Go little girl!\nGerald: Your daughter has a mustache - what the hell is wrong with your ovaries bitch?!\nScene Description: Camera pans away from Gerald. A woman looks appalled after reading Gerald's post on her computer. Another woman is in shown also shocked. Gerald continues his trolling onslaught.\nCommentator: You've been dick-slapped!\nScene Description: A couple are dining at a restaurant, but the woman becomes outraged after reading another of Gerald's posts on her phone. The man also becomes outraged after she shows it to him.\nScene Description: Gerald types on his 2 computers along to the notes of a keyboard. In a bathroom, a man on the toilet is startled after reading yet another of Gerald's post on his tablet. Explosions of various buildings start appearing. Gerald continues his relentless assault, also targeting Annie, who becomes enraged.\nScene Description: 2 elephants are shown humping. A clip shows how Gerald photoshops dicks into women's mouths. Then at a Boston concert, Gerald reenacts playing the keyboard by typing on his computers. A traditional man spins 2 rods that are on fire.\nScene Description: Finally, Gerald yawns and calls it a night, taking his glass of wine and leaving the room. South Park Elementary, day. The girls are gathered at the playground, and Wendy paces back and forth\nBebe: You should've seen what he said about my mother on her Instagram! Pages and pages of disgusting things!\nAnnie: This is an attack on all of us! It's time to make the boys suffer!\nWendy: It has to be swift and serious. We have to make a statement. The girls in South Park aren't going to be treated like afterthoughts anymore!\nGirls (except Heidi Turner): Yeah!\nScene Description: A backview shot of the boys is shown, with the girls in the background.\nAnnie: This has gone on too long and it's time to do something!\nGirls (except Heidi Turner): Yeah!\nClyde: [The boys are now the focus.] What do you think they're talking about?\nButters: They're talking about how they're gonna get us - what do you think? That's how the world works now. You get blamed for the group you belong to, even if you didn't do nothing!\nScene Description: Boy's Restroom, outside.\nButters: What are we gonna do about them?\nScene Description: Boy's Restroom, inside. The boys are gathered and Stan paces back and forth\nKyle: The girls want to see Cartman punished so we have to prove it's him.\nCraig: We're never gonna prove that and you know it! We have to make him stop!\nButters: He's not gonna stop, he's loving all this! He wants the girls to hurt us!\nClyde: Then let's end it.\nJimmy: What do you mean?\nClyde: Cartman is the cause of all our problems. Always. We all know what has to be done.\nScene Description: The boys look at Clyde with surprise and dread. Stan stops pacing\nClyde: It's not like we haven't talked about it before - fantasized about how we'd do it.\nKyle: Yeah, but not like we'd actually do it.\nStan: Clyde's right.\nKyle: Stan... You can't be thinking that we'd-\nStan: What else do we do Kyle? You know better than anybody what a monster he is.\nToken: He pushed everyone too far.\nButters: It's him, or us!\nKyle: Are we seriously talking about doing this?\nCraig: How would we ever get away with it?\nStan: We do it out in the woods. I know how to get him to go.\nScene Description: In the school hallway, Cartman listens to some music while sitting. He notices the boys walking up to him\nCartman: 'Sup dudes?\nScene Description: The boys are all looking down. Stan talks in an unenthusiastic tone.\nStan: After school, we're gonna go to my uncle's cabin - in the woods. We're gonna have a slumber party and play Counter-Strike all night with no one around to bother us.\nCartman: [Stands up excited] Are you serious?! All night broship Counter-Strike party? That's fucking sweet! Does your uncle's cabin have good wifi?\nStan: Yeah, but don't tell anyone where you're going. We don't want adults to know cause there's gonna be a ton of junk food.\nCartman: Bros!! Dude, that's so awesome! This is gonna be the best night ever!\nScene Description: Counsellor's office. Mr. Mackey sits at his desk holding a bunch of Member Berries.\nBerries: 'Member TIE fighters? Oh, 'member Jawas? 'Member? Hey, 'member Jurassic Park? Ooh, you love Jurassic Park. 'Member Jeff Goldblum? Oh, I 'member Jeff Goldblum - he was really tasty. [Mr. Mackey plucks one berry and eats it] I love Jeff Goldblum. 'Member?\nMr. Mackey: Mueeh...\nScene Description: Scott Malkinson barges into the counselor's office, startling Mr. Mackey who quickly puts away the Member Berries in his desk drawer.\nScott: I can't do this anymore! I can't take it!\nMr. Mackey: Oh! Er, hi Scott.[Scott sits on the chair in front of Mr. Mackey.]\nScott: Nobody ever pays attention to me! Nobody cares! I just want to end it all!\nMr. Mackey: Scott, come on, we've talked about this. You don't wanna quit Twitter.\nScott: Why not?! Everyone would be happier if I did!\nMr. Mackey: Who'd be happier?\nScott: Everyone.\nMr. Mackey: Well, what about your parents, huh? How'd you think they'd feel if you quit Twitter?\nScott: I don't think they'd even notice!\nMr. Mackey: Of course they'd notice. They'd be saad, m'kay, they'd be saad. You've got so much ahead of you Scott; so many posts and tweets still ahead of you. You haven't even started to see what social media has to offer you. You can't-you can't just end it all. Not now.\nScott: You're right, I guess I don't want to quit Twitter.\nMr. Mackey: There you go, m'kay? But now you come back here anytime you're having bad thoughts, m'kay?\nScott: Okay, thanks.\nScene Description: Scott leaves the office. Mr. Mackey starts to retrieve the Member Berries, but Scott barges in again, forcing Mr. Mackey to return the Member Berries again.\nScott: Twitter would be better off without me! I'm quitting!\nMr. Mackey: Okay, okay. Now, Scott-[Scott takes the seat again]\nScott: What's the point!? Better to just end it all now!\nMr. Mackey: O-kay...\nScene Description: In the woods the boys, who are still looking down and unenthusiastic, and Cartman, are trekking along a dirt path, bringing along their electronics.\nCartman: This is gonna be so awesome. Just hanging with the bros playing Counter-Strike all night. Alone in the woods - you pumped Token?\nToken: Yeah, I'm really excited.\nCartman: I'm totally gonna do some massive pwnage. Whoever's on my team will be stoked. My laptop's so fast it doesn't lag at all. I can jump around like a pwnage powerhouse.\nClyde: I'm sure you will.\nCartman: You guys all seem kinda, like, bummed out. Is everything cool?\nStan: Everything's fine Cartman. We'll just get there sooner if maybe we don't talk much.\nCartman: Okay, cool. Goin' a long way to play Counter-Strike. Guess it's sweet though there won't be any adults to screw it up for us. How much further now?\nKyle: We're almost there.\nScene Description: At sunset, they arrive at the cabin.\nCartman: This place has sweet wifi, right? Gon' be so awesome.\nScene Description: In the city, at a campaign-headquarters during the day, a supervisor is walking around.\nMan: Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God!\nSupervisor: [Walks to the man.] What's wrong?\nMan: Someone keeps trolling our campaign site!\nScene Description: The supervisor takes a closer look at the man's computer screen.\nMan: He just keeps leaving horrible comments, and now he's attacking me personally!\nSupervisor: Aww, don't let him get to you.\nMan: Don't let him-?! He took a picture I posted and put a dick in my mouth! Who does that?!\nSupervisor: Someone who probably still lives with his mother and hates himself. He obviously has nothing better to do. Just let him wallow in his own misery.\nScene Description: At his house, during the day, Gerald leaves the house very cheerfully. Steal My Sunshine by Len starts playing as Gerald strides down the road. He cheerfully gets out of the way of a car after the driver honked.\nMan 2: Get out of the street, you idiot!\nGerald: Sorry! My bad!\nScene Description: Gerald passes by 2 neighbors arguing about the election ignorantly, he nearly gets knocked over by a biker, but blissfully passes it off.\nGerald: Ha ha! Don't worry!\nScene Description: At the supermarket, Gerald picks up a bottle of wine and happily skips to the checkout, passing by the Member Berries' section\nBerries: 'Member the Cantina? Oh-hoh, I 'member. 'Member Star Destroyers? Yeah, I love Star Destroyers! 'Member?\nWoman 3: [To the cashier.] I have a coupon for that too. An-and those are 6 for $4 with this coupon. [To Gerald] Sorry.\nGerald: Oh, no please. It's no problem at all!\nScene Description: On his way home that evening, Gerald slowly dances back to his house.\nScene Description: Outside his office at school, Mr. Mackey is locking up, but Scott Malkinson walks up behind him.\nScott: I'm gonna do it! [Mr. Mackey turns a worried, then frustrated look] I'm gonna quit Twitter, I mean it this time!\nMr. Mackey: Ohh, Scott, uh, I-it's sort of after hours, m'kay?\nScott: They all laugh at me. They won't be laughing when I do it! I'll show them!\nMr. Mackey: Hah, alright Scott. Come on inside. Huumm...\nScene Description: He unlocks the office door, then goes inside with Scott.\nScene Description: In the woods, at night, the boys finally reach the cabin.\nCartman: Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [Camera shows a hole and shovel in the ground] Check it out, there's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground.\nScene Description: Inside the cabin, Cartman eagerly goes over to the table at the far end and puts his items on it, while the boys form behind him.\nCartman: Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side! What's the wifi called? Is there a password?\nScene Description: Kyle closes the cabin door. Everybody takes out a weapon, except for Cartman.\nCartman: I don't see it - I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know, I think maybe the wifi's not working. Where's the box? [Cartman picks up his devices]\nCartman: You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys...? There's...no wifi...\nClyde: The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.\nCartman: What are you...What are you guys talking about - What-\nStan: You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry.\nCartman: Oh my God. Oh my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online!\nKyle: Just put your stuff on the table and step back.\nCartman: Please! Please don't break my stuff you guys! This is like, 2 Christmases and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!\nToken: Let's just get it over with!\nCartman: No, don't-get-it-over-with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt, I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this! You-don't-have-to-do-this! We can still just play Counter-Strike, and forget everything! Oh-my-God, there's no wifi - We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play Counter-Strike! And it'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please, you can't!\nClyde: I can't listen to this!\nCartman: Please, Clyde! Clyde, you're my friend! Please, y-you know how much - I - need - my - stuff!\nCraig: Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman]\nCartman: No please! If I can't get online, I won't-how would I-I- Mumbling.\nScene Description: Craig stabs Cartman's laptop with his knife. The rest of the boys start advancing forward.\nCartman: No, God! No! Don't! Don't!! Don't!! Oh my God!!\nScene Description: Cartman's electronics are knocked onto the table, and subsequently destroyed by the boys\nCartman: Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Aahh!! Niah!! Niaah!! Iaahh!! Iaahh!! Niaaahhhh!!!\nScene Description: Cartman passes out. Outside the cabin after some time, the hole is filled up, and Token pats the soil with the shovel. The boys look horrified.\nStan: What have we done?\nKyle: What we had to do.\nCartman: [Off screen.] Iaahh!!\nScene Description: In his bedroom, with the lights off, Mr. Mackey is sleeping when his phone starts ringing. Mr. Mackey jolts up from the ringing, puts his glasses on and sees the caller is Scott Malkinson.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, Goddammit. You've got to be kidding me. [Sighs, then answers phone.] This is Counselor Mackey. What's going on Scott?\nScene Description: Scott is on his phone while off his bed, grabbing onto a pillow.\nScott: I swear to God I'm gonna do it this time.\nMr. Mackey: Okay Scott, just try to calm down. You don't want to quit Twitter.\nScott: Why does it matter? People would be happier if I just did it!\nMr. Mackey: That's not true, no one would be happier. [Brings the phone away from his face.]\nMr. Mackey: This fucking kid, oh my god... [Brings the phone back to his ear.] Everybody thinks you're a great kid, Scott.\nScott: I-I talked to my dad. He said, \"I don't have the guts to do it!\". Well, if I'd quit Twitter, he'd be sorry!\nMr. Mackey: Okay, umm, how 'bout this, just umm, promise me you won't quit Twitter tonight, and we can - we can talk all day tomorrow, okay? M'kay?\nScott: I don't know if I'll make it through the night!\nMr. Mackey: [off phone] Oh, for fuck's sake...\nScott: I just feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff, you know, and being chased by hate. And the only way out is to jump!\nMr. Mackey: [on phone] Uh-huh, okay, go on with that.\nScott: I keep thinking about what the kids at school would do, when they find out I left all my social media. Like they would finally see all the damage they've done.\nMr. Mackey: [off phone] Goddammit, just do it already...\nScene Description: At home, at night, Gerald is again trolling online with Smokin' by Boston playing. However, just before leaving, his computer screen lights up with a Google alert, notifying Gerald that he was mentioned on CNN. Gerald clicks on the video link.\nCNN reporter: Another internet troll is wreaking havoc on message boards, this time attacking a Danish website for women with breast cancer.\nGerald: I made the news...\nCNN reporter: The troll, who goes by the name \"SkankHunt42\", ...\nGerald: [He claps his hands.] Yes!\nCNN reporter: ...caused the website to temporarily shutdown. Danish Olympic Gold Medalist Freja Ollegard, who started the website, spoke out about the incident. [The inset video of Freja Ollegard zooms in.]\nFreja Ollegard: I am not shocked. I am not sad. I am not giving this pitiful person the satisfaction of being anything. [Gerald listens intently].\nFreja Ollegard: This little troll can have his fun. I am going to be the bigger person. I am going to show the people of Denmark are not so easily broken down.\nGerald: Hmm...Game on whore. Game on.\nScene Description: Gerald starts furiously typing on his computer, and a shadow appears on his wall by the computer screen's illumination. The camera pans to the shadow.\nScene Description: At South Park Elementary the next day, Kyle walks through the hallway again, but this time the girls are angrily slamming their lockers before walking away. He meets Stan and Clyde again.\nKyle: What's going on?\nStan: You didn't hear?\nKyle: Hear what?\nStan: The troll, SkankHunt, Kyle. He was all over the internet last night!\nKyle: No, that's impossible!\nStan: It wasn't him Kyle! We took Cartman out for no reason. [Cartman walks past looking down] We can't undo what we've done.\nKyle: Oh my God. Oh my God...\nScene Description: Inside Bebe's room, the girls are gathered. Wendy looks unsure.\nNelly: The time has come. We said if the trolling didn't stop, there would be severe consequences. Get the word out to every girl in school. It goes down tomorrow!\nWendy: Oh my God...I don't know if I can go through with this.\nNichole: We all have to be on-board Wendy. Every girl in school, or it means nothing.\nAnnie: Don't forget what you said Wendy: \"For too long girls here have taken the backseat! Things have to change!\". Now they'll have to listen.\nScene Description: At South Park Elementary, the following day, Gortoz a Ran by Denez Prigant plays in the background. Annie hides behind some hallway lockers till her boyfriend passes by. She catches up and gives a note to him, then leaves. The note reads: \"I'm breaking up with you forever. Annie.\". The boy falls to his knees, drops the note and yells as tears stream down his cheeks, 'No!' in slow motion.\nScene Description: Kevin receives a note too from Red, as well as all the boys with girlfriends. Girls run down the hallway holding notes like a deadly mob. The library. Clyde, clutching his hair, cries alone at a table with a note in front of him, tears streaming down his face.\nScene Description: Kindergarten couples also break up too, as a girl gives a boy a note that reads: \"I brake up.\". This results in the boy face planting into his toy blocks construction. Token also receives a note from Nichole at the basketball court that reads: \"I break up. Goodbye. Don't call. Nichole\". Token falls to his knees, broken.\nScene Description: In the Boy's Restroom, 2 boys who received notes resort to hugging each other for comfort. Playground. Kyle is sitting alone on the swings with his class picture in hand, and his eye starts tearing up when he sees Cartman fade from the picture.\nScene Description: In the hallway, any boys are crying in corners, notes strewn and crumpled. Stan walks down the hallway, glancing at the boys before encountering Wendy. Wendy regrettably holds out the note in her hand. Stan hesitantly takes the note, and reads: \"This is goodbye forever, Stan. I can't fix you. Wendy\". When Stan looks up, Wendy is gone from view"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Simply Heidi. Her guest is Freja Ollegard\nSimply Heidi: We are back again with the brave Olympic gold medalist from Denmark, Freja Øllengård. Freja, you've talked about being trolled on the Internet and its consequences.\nFreja Ollegard: Yes, Heidi. I believe trolling has a tragic effect on innocent people.\nSimply Heidi: You have been the victim of horrific degrading attacks, spearheaded by a troll called [puts on her glasses] skankhunt42.\nGerald: [watching on his computer, holding a glass of wine] Nice.\nFreja Ollegard: I've tried to just ignore the trolls, but that only seems to make them attack me more.\nSimply Heidi: It must be so awful for you to create a Web site for women like yourself who are breat-cancer survivors and these... monsters get on and somehow make light of it. Even going as far as... ridiculing masdectomies.\nFreja Ollegard: Yes, it's very disgusting, but I still try very hard to believe in the goodness of humanity. [cheers from the studio audience.]\nSimply Heidi: I can tell you that the support for you on our Web site has been overwhelming. We'd like to share some comments we've received, many from doctors who believe your Web site is saving lives. The first is a comment from a physician in Spain: \"You go girl. You are doing great things. Don't let trolling stop you.\" And that is from Dr. Juerdior Titsgo [Freja is alarmed at the name], in Spain.\nGerald: [exults at his coup] He shoots, he scores! [Freja knows she's been trolled again and puts her face in her palm]\nSimply Heidi: And there's this one: \"Believe in yourself and don't listen to the haters. You're an inspiration.\" That's from Hungarian physician Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff.\nAudience Member: Oh no...\nGerald: HA! [throws an air ball] From the 3-point line!\nSimply Heidi: I'm sorry, am I missing something?\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Police cars are in front and a couple of officers are at the door. Officer Barkley rings the bell\nGerald: Oh! Police! [sheepishly] Yes?\nOfficer: Hello, sir, we're conducting an investigation.\nGerald: Uh... regarding... uh regarding what?\nBarkley: Do you happen to know this child? [shows him Cartman's picture from Photo Day]\nGerald: [relieved] Hoooh. Sure, that's one of my son's friends.\nBarkley: Well, I'm afraid he's... quit Twitter.\nGerald: Hooo... another one, huh?\nBarkley: Yeah, but this one's different. The events surrounding his quitting Twitter were very suspicious. Most people that quit Twitter leave at least three paragraphs stating that they're quitting Twitter before they quit Twitter. This child just stopped using it.\nGerald: Kyle! [looks up the stairs]\nBarkley: We're simply trying to gather information on whether this was a Twitter suicide or a Twitter homicide. [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs]\nGerald: Kyle, have you seen your friend Eric online?\nKyle: [panics a bit] No. Uh, he quit.\nBarkley: D'ya happen to know why, son?\nKyle: He probably got fed up with all the negativity and decided to end it. [shrugs] I don't know.\nBarkley: Without tweeting a goodbye? People don't just quit social media. They post long drawn-out messages on social media, explaining why they're leaving social media.\nGerald: Look, officers, why don't you just go ask him why he quit Twitter?\nBarkley: At where, sir? At where?\nScene Description: Kyle's room, moments later. Kyle runs in and closes the door frantically, then whips out his phone to talk to some people\nKyle: Okay, that was the cops! The cops were here!\nClyde: The cops? For what?\nToken: You know for what! You know what we did to Cartman! [he's video-chatting with the other boys on his computer, in several windows]\nCraig: We did what we had to do.\nKyle: But we were wrong!\nButters: [under his bed covers] It's not the police we have to worry about, it's Eric. He's gonna get us.\nJimmy: Hey. W-we all just have to stay cool, okay?\nButters: It doesn't matter. He's comin'. He's comin' to get us.\nScene Description: Stan's room. He's not part of the conversation. He sits on his bed looking at selfies of Wendy on his phone. Wendy on her bed reading a book and smiling at the camera. Another selfie of her in the sun. A selfie of her sitting at a counter. A selfie of her at a beach making a victory sign with her right index and middle fingers. A picture of Cartman licking the ass of a life-sized picture of him. That picture has him looking at a phone which has a picture of him looking at a phone...\nRandy: Stan? [Stan's door is open, so Randy walks in] You can't just stay in your room all day.\nStan: What happened, Dad? [Randy walks up to the bed] Everything's upside down. [Randy sits] Everyone's taking sides and splitting into groups. [thoughtfully] Everything sucks.\nRandy: [rubs the back of his neck] Yeah, everything sucks. [lowers his hand] Everyone's divided. Nobody's getting along. And there's people like your MOTHER who are thinking of voting for a DOUCHE because she doesn't have a BRAIN.\nSharon: [off screen] Go to hell, Randy!\nRandy: I don't know what's wrong with people in this town. More and more are agreeing with your mother. I tried getting on community message boards and swaying people's minds but... it always ends up with some asshole talking about vaginas and photoshopping a dick in my mouth. That's where we're at today. Everything sucks.\nScene Description: Clinton campaign headquarters. She and her staff prepare for the debate\nAide 1: Here's everything to prepare you for the debates, ma'am. Just try and stay focused no matter what your opponent says.\nAide 2: Don't let him rattle you. He's gonna do whatever he can to try and mess with your head. Don't buy into it. Whatever he says, just respond with \"My opponent is a liar, and he cannot be trusted.\"\nClinton: Got it.\nScene Description: The Presidential Debate\nAnnouncer: Decision 2016. The first Presidential debate, with moderator Lester Holt.\nLester Holt: Okay, let's get right into it. Our first question is for you, sir. How will you deal with ground troops in Syria?\nGarrison: Everyone, I need to just speak from the heart here. Uhm, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've gotta come clean. Uh, I had no idea I would get this far, [Holt looks confused] but the fact of the matter is, I should not be President. Okay? [Clinton's aides watch from a back room] I will fuck this country up beyond repair. [Clinton's aides smile at this admission] I'm a sick, angry little man. Please, if you care at all about the future of our country, vote for her. Okay? She's the one who at least has some experience. She, she's not as bad as you think, I promise. And unlike me, she's actually capable of running this country.\nClinton: ...My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted.\nAide 1: NOOO!\nAide 2: Oh my God, she's such a turd sandwich.\nClinton: What he is saying is simply not true. Do not... believe it.\nGarrison: [throws his hands up and then faces Clinton] I am giving you this, lady. I AM GIVING you this! What the fuck are you doing?! [faces the audience again] Okay, look, look, just, vote for her, she... she knows politics. She really wants to put this country first.\nClinton: My opponent is a liar-\nGarrison: Would you just please shut up?\nClinton: -And he cannot be-\nGarrison: Get out of your own way.\nClinton: -cannot be trusted.\nGarrison: [in exasperation] Okay, okay, look. [stands up again] She doesn't mean what she's saying. She just doesn't know how to take this because... it's very weird and her advisers probably t-\nClinton: My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted. [as she says this, he throws his hands up and turns his back to the camera]\nGarrison: Fuck, oh fuck, why the fuck does it have to be her? I am so fucked.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Four of the seven boys who destroyed Cartman's electronics are in PC Principal's office.\nPC Principal: Alright boys, I've had just about enough of playing games. [before him are Kyle, Stan, Butters, and Token] The four of you were good friends with Eric Cartman, and yet none of you seem to know why he left social media. [Butters fidgets a bit] Nobody's got anything to say? Well I have a theory. I think... that Eric Cartman... was somehow forced to leave social media as a retaliation for Heidi Turner quitting social media! Now, because of the actions of one sexist, bogoted, racist troll! [sweeps his hand across his desk and knocks a stack of papers to the floor]\nButters: [lets out a] Eeeaaaahhhh!\nPC Principal: We have a gender war on our hands! Make no mistake, gentlemen! Our community is under attack! And if we don't get to the bottom of it... there's gonna be more students like Eric Cartman... wandering the hallways with no connection to the rest of the world.\nScene Description: The school hallways, later. Cartman walks down the hallway dejected. The kids around him are looking at their phones or talking on them as they go about their usual business. Cartman sees Kevin on his phone and sighs, then continues walking.\nVoice: [gruff whisper] Eric. [he looks up. By some exit doors is Heidi]\nCartman: Heidi? Heidi Turner?\nHeidi: Come with me.\nCartman: Where? [she turns and walks off to her left]\nScene Description: [The neighborhood streets. Heidi walks, then stops and waits for Cartman]'\nHeidi: Join us. [points to a park] here.\nCartman: The park?\nHeidi: I know how you feel, Eric. I know how hard it is when school gets out. With no phone, no human contact.\nCartman: [begins to cry] I miss my stuff.\nHeidi: Come on. There are others like us here. [guides him into the park. A car appears and slows down]\nDriver: Look at them, Martha. Do you see them?\nMartha: What are they?\nDriver: Lost souls who have quit Twitter. Damned to just wander the earth and hang out and stuff.\nMartha: They seem so lonely. [they both look at their phones]\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. The doors open and Randy rushes in\nRandy: Okay, what?! The fuck?! Is wrong with you people?! I just saw a new poll that says more and more of you are thinking about voting for that douche!\nStephen: Some are. A lot of people like what he has to say, alright?\nRandy: You're tellin' me that after that debate, you still wanna vote for that guy?!\nStephen: More than ever.\nRyan Valmer: Yyyup.\nRandy: Did you see the same debate I saw?!\nStephen: Don't you get it, Randy? There's people in this country who are sick and tired. Tired of hearing all the rhetoric. Tired of Washington failing us while they pat their own backs. Finally someone comes along and says what he feels. That's why people like him. You can say what you want, at least he doesn't sound like another politician.\nScene Description: [Douche 2016 campaign rally at Pepsi Center. Garrison is speaking]'\nGarrison: America, please listen to me. I have no idea how to be President. I am a complete jackass, and I have made a giant mistake here. [the crowd cheers his honesty, which stuns him] Nononono, nononono, why are you clapping? I'm not a good person for the White House. I am not a good person, period.\nMan: Finally, someone who doesn't talk like a politician.\nGarrison: I am peeing my pants... at the thought of being President, okay? [more cheers go up] No! Shut up! Listen to me! [the crowd quiets down] You don't want a guy like me in the White House! You don't even wanna know the shit I've done!\nRandom Person: Wooohooo!\nGarrison: I have scissored with another woman when I had a sex change!\nMan 2: He's so honest!\nGarrison: No, no! I'm not the guy you want going to Russia to negotiate with Putin. I'll probably end up gettin' drunk and tryin' to suck his dick. [more cheering. He turns away from the mic] OHHHH JEEEZ\nScene Description: [Ike's room, day. Gerald peeks in and sees him at the computer.]'\nGerald: Ike, got a minute? [enters and sits on Ike's bed] Let's talk, buddy. [Ike pauses his game and goes to his bed] You know, the school really wants us to keep talking to our kids about trolling on the Internet and how serious it is. I guess the troll from the school message boards is now harassing a famous Olympic athlete from Denmark, heh. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah well, she kinda called him out and said he could never get her to quit social media, and you know, you might say she's askin' for it. But uh, now this troll is being copied by other trolls who are all dog piling to see if they can get her to quit and, well God only knows what they're gonna do tonight. Well, goodnight, pal. You be sure to let your mom know we talked more about the horrific consequences of trolling. [steps outside, then leans back and smiles at Ike, then leaves and closes the door]\nScene Description: The park, day. Heidi and Cartman are sitting on a bench while a duck stands on the ground before them.\nHeidi: I want to tell you... that I'm sorry.\nCartman: For what?\nHeidi: When women first started getting trolled on the school message boards. I was sure it was you. I was wrong.\nCartman: You weren't the only one. I guess I didn't deserve a second chance. I really tried to make changes. I really tried to become a better person. To sh-show that I was trying to listen.\nHeidi: So when you held the assembly that woman were just as funny as men, you... you weren't being sarcastic?\nCartman: [earnestly] Women are funny, Heidi. Get over it. Every time Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I lose my fuckin' mind.\nHeidi: Do you miss your friends?\nCartman: I don't have any friends. I don't know if I ever did.\nHeidi: You do now. [smiles at him]\nCartman: Kewl.\nScene Description: [Douche 2016 campaign rally at Pepsi Center. Garrison is speaking]'\nNewt Gingrich: Hello Florida! Please put your hands together and welcome the next President of the United States! [makes way for Mr. Garrison]\nGarrison: I hate all of you so much.\nRandom Person: Yeah!\nGarrison: I seriously hold so much contempt for each and every one of you pieces of shit. [cheers] If you vote me in as President I'll seriously throw up and have lost all faith in humanity. [more cheers]\nRandy: [watching on TV] I agree.\nGarrison: I don't wanna be here. Please just let me go. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know anything. I'm scared. I'm completely clueless how to proceed. I just... spew bullshit and cry myself to sleep at night. Stop thinking that I'm anything more than a douche in over his head. For fuck's sake, please.\nRandy: Shit, I'm startin' to really like this guy.\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day.\nCNN Anchor: And after stating that he was not fit to be President, Secretary Clinton responded with \"My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted.\"\nPatron: I am so confused.\nCNN Anchor: In other news tonight, Danish gold medalist Freja Øllengård is the apparent victim of extreme trolling once again. [Gerald walks into the bar and watches the report]\nGerald: Oh. Eh hey, can you turn that up?\nCNN Anchor: The athlete from Denmark has been the target of relentless online attacks that began with the troll skankhunt42. [Gerald smiles and looks around to see if anyone has figured out it was him who's the troll] Last night the trolling took a vicious turn when Freja Øllengård finally succumbed to the pressure and committed suicide. [Gerald's smile vanishes.]\nField Reporter: Paul, Danish women's volleyball champion Freja Øllengård has been pronounced dead outside her apartment in Copenhagen. [there's fear in Gerald's face] The four-time girls' medal winner took her own life after jumping 17 floors off the balcony of her building. [footage is shown of her doing this, with a klieg light focused on her all the way down. She lands on a car and shatters, blood going all over the place. The car's alarm turns on]\nPaul: Freja Øllengård, dead at the age of 38. [Quickly, Gerald runs to the restroom and into a stall. A patron watches him enter and continues doing so until the scene ends]\nGerald: [on the toilet seat] Oh my God! Oh shit! Oh shit oh my God! Oh God oh no-oohh!\nScene Description: [The Stotch house. Someone knocks on the door and Stephen goes to answer it.]'\nRandy: I was wrong, Stephen, I'm votin' for your guy.\nStephen: [surprised] What?\nRandy: It's just... [walks in] I see what you mean. He talks like an ordinary person. And he has a lot of the same emotions I do, you know? He's got my vote.\nStephen: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?\nRandy: [turns around] What?\nStephen: You wanna vote for that douche?! He'll ruin this country!\nRandy: You were just voting for him yesterday!\nStephen: Yeah, but not anymore!\nRandy: What happened??\nStephen: I don't know.\nRandy: What the hell is wrong with people?! You just don't flip back and forth like that?!\nStephen: You just did.\nRandy: [processes that reply] ...I did. What's going on, Stephen? Why does everything suck this hard?\nStephen: I don't know. Nobody knows what to think anymore.\nRandy: But how did we get here? Completely confused and with shit for choices? It's like... it's like there are other forces at work.\nStephen: I'm just tired of thinkin' about it. Come on, let's relax and' have some member berry pie.\nRandy: [thinks a moment] Member berry pie... [drops the thought] Okay, I love member berries. [follows Stephen to the dining room table]\nScene Description: At the table. Randy has served himself a slice of member berry pie.\nBerries: 'Member Tattooine? 'Member the torture droid? I 'member? Hi, 'member Goonies? I loooved Goonies. 'Member Chunk? 'Member? 'Member the trash compactor? Oh, the trash compactor.\nRandy: [picks some berries up with a spoon, but stops] Wait a minute... [a camera pans away from the Stotch house into space, then moves east to Europe, then zooms in on Denmark.]\nScene Description: Copenhagen, Denmark, at Rosenborg Park. Someone speaks over loudspeakers at Freja Øllengård's funeral outside the cathedral.\nTroll Hunter: [in a Danish accent] Citizens of Denmark, we are under attack. As our ancestors did in days long ago, we must rise to defend our families. [Freja's casket is slowly brought to the altar outside the cathedral] A troll has come into our village and taken from us a beloved princess. He then returned to his secret hiding place, crawled back to his little cave, thinking the Danes would simply cry and run. [a mourner sobs] No. What this troll doesn't realize is that we have been planning our own attack. I'm announcing here and to the world that a plan to destroy the troll is underway. For in Denmark there is one thing we have known for centuries. To get the troll to come out of hiding, you must say its name.\nScene Description: Community park in South Park, day. Heidi sits on the bench alone, waiting. Cartman walks up and sits next to her\nHeidi: Hey.\nCartman: Hey. [long pause] I was thinking again. About how women are just as funny as men. And then I realized... that the only way to really be sure is to see if African-Americans think they're funny.\nHeidi: Why is that?\nCartman: Because, black laughs matter.\nHeidi: ...Is that a joke?\nCartman: Yes, it is.\nHeidi: I don't get it.\nCartman: Yes, you do. [Heidi just looks downward] Heidi, does it ever get any easier? Living in this world?\nHeidi: The hardest part is not having any followers. I used to go places just to show them where I was.\nCartman: You wanna go somewhere? I'll follow you. [Heidi smiles]\nScene Description: Hillvale Farm, day. Organic fruits and vegetable. Pick your own! YES! We Have Member Berries! Randy drives in and reaches the farm house, then steps out of the car.\nJud: Mornin'. How can I help ya?\nRandy: Yeah, I have some questions about uh member berries?\nJud: Yeah'. Everyone wants member berries these days. [turns left and walks off] Right over heah. [Randy joins him] Don't know what makes them so popular. I've had to get rid of all mah pumpkins, mah onions and mah peppahs, just to make room for more membah berries. [the voices of member berries get louder as they approach the berry grove. There are berries as far as the eye can see.]\nRandy: Oh my God, there's this many?\nBerries: 'Member the 80s? Oh, 'member the 90s? Yeah yeah, but 'member the 80s though? Nonono, 'member the 90s?\nScene Description: The supermarket, which is not a Whole Foods Market, day. Gerald walks out with his groceries looking at his phone. He approaches his car, which has a note under a windshield wiper. Gerald notices is, takes it from the wiper, and reads it. \"Gerald Broflovski.\" He opens it, and reads the message inside, written in red marker: \"I know who you are.\" Panicked, Gerald looks around and gets paranoid. He gets into his car quickly.\nGerald: Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Protocol Zero. No evidence, clear history. E-mails! delete, delete, delete, erase, erase, trash, trash. [reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a hammer called \"Protocol Zero.\" He leaves the car with phone and hammer in tow. An elderly woman draw near as he smashes the phone to bits on the roof of his car. Once he's destroyed the phone, he gets into his car and peels out. He rushes home and runs up to his office. He turns on his computer and begins to delete stuff in the Gerald folder he has on there. After that he opens up the computer and pulls out the hard drive. He takes the computer apart, puts it all in a duffel bag and drives to Stark's Pond, where he sets up a portable foot-operated catapult and launches the duffel bag into the pond. He quickly rushes home again and sites next to Sheila on the couch. Sheila just glances at him]\nShelia: I saw Nancy Morris today. She has a different hair color. Again. I swear she doesn't think anyone even notices. Her natural hair color must be clear.\nGerald: [rushed] Our computer's broke.\nShelia: ...What?\nGerald: It broke and I had to throw it away.\nShelia: I thought if a computer isn't working, you try and get it fixed.\nGerald: No now you just throw it away.\nShelia: You had all my recipes on that FileMaker program on your computer.\nGerald: I'll get us a new computer tomorrow. Then I can see if we can pull your recipes up from Ike's computer, and that way we- Ike's computer! Shit! [runs upstairs]\nScene Description: [Ike's room, moments later. Gerald runs in and towards the computer]'\nGerald: Move move move! [pushes Ike out of the way and gets to work] My computer is off the network, and, and this computer didn't mirror that computer, but they did share the same Time Machine schedule, so then, would any of my files be accessible? No, because they didn't know each other's IP addresses. What if you can access my e-mail account from this computer through iCloud? If I go to iCloud, my e-mails are deleted. Good. Except there's a new e-mail. [It's from unknown] That shouldn't have come in. Why would an e-mail to me have come in if I deleted everything? [he reads the e-mail. It says the same thing the note did] \"I know who you are.\" [spins around and points at Ike] You? Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am, Ike?\nIke: No, but I want to, Dad.\nGerald: [thinks of the Biblical sense] Not like that, smartass! [turns back to the computer and works on his account] Delete! Delete the account, not the e-mails! [gets an e-mail: \"You have a Google alert!\" He clicks OK and reads] \"meet me under the freemont bridge. 9 am tomorrow.\" [panics] Oh God...\nScene Description: M burgers, day. Cartman and Heidi are eating lunch there.\nHeidi: You dip your French fries in the sweet & sour sauce?\nCartman: Yeah. It's the best, dude. Try it.\nHeidi: [tries it and eats] Wow, that's really good. I'm starting to feel like life isn't gonna be so bad.\nCartman: Yeah. I think I am too. Heidi, can I ask you something?\nHeidi: Yeah, of course.\nCartman: Do girls... not have balls?\nHeidi: Girls do not have balls, no\nCartman: So when a girl goes to scratch her balls, how does that work? [she wonders why he's asking] I just don't understand what's at the bottom of a vagina.\nHeidi: [munches on a fry] Do you want me to show you?\nCartman: ...Holy shiiit."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The camera runs through the mountains.\nNarrator: Long ago, in the deep and frozen lands of Scandinavia, there were creatures who wreaked havoc on humanity. [A troll is seen] The Troll. They dwell in rocks, in caves, isolated from civilization. The creatures were ugly, fat and slow-witted, but some could look and behave like human beings. These are the most dangerous. Now, the creatures have returned, this time, a thousand miles across the sea. [Earth is seen as it rotates. It zooms in on America, and an internet troll is seen] Today, the monsters believe they can go undetected, [Different trolls are seen] free to attack and then retreat to the darkness. But in Denmark, we have dealt with the trolls before, and now and now, we shall deal with them... again.\nScene Description: The Broflovski living room. Gerald looks at the note, reading 'I know who you are'. Kyle comes up.\nKyle: Dad, can I talk to you?\nGerald: Sure, Kyle.\nKyle: All the girls at school are really mad. It's like, one guy gets online and says terrible things about girls and it reflects badly on all of us.\nGerald: Uh huh.\nKyle: Everyone's sad, everyone's depressed and nobody knows how to move forward.\nGerald: Good.\nKyle: I guess what I'm saying is, I'm starting to feel a lot of guilt, just for being a boy. How do I not feel that?\nGerald: Sorry Kyle, I have to meet someone. Talk to your mother. [gets off the couch] I love you! [walks away]\nScene Description: Butters' bedroom. Butters Skypes with Charlotte while she is in her room.\nButters: It's been a rough few weeks, Baby. The girls are still mad about being trolled on the school message board, parents are all freaking out about the election and, and I tell you... you are glad to not be living in this country right now.\nCharlotte: Butters, I'm sorry, but I told you not to Skype me anymore, right?\nButters: [becomes shocked] But Baby, I love you! I need you! You can't break up with me!\nCharlotte: I have to stand with my girlfriends.\nButters: Oh my god, I can't believe they got to you. [starts shouting] Those sneaky snakes in the grass!\nCharlotte: Who?!\nButters: Well you know who, the girls in my school! They all broke up with their boyfriends and now they got you to go along with them!\nCharlotte: This is a time when women and girls have to stick together.\nButters: So then it's true! You're all snakes in the grass! Every [slams the keyboard] last one of you!\nCharlotte: [ends the call]\nButters: Oh Charlotte? [presses on the mouse] Are you there? [presses on the mouse] Honey?\nScene Description: Gerald walks under the Freemont Bridge incognito and meets with Dick. Dick blows a puff of smoke at him.\nGerald: [takes off his sunglasses] I don't know why you are harassing me. I don't even own a computer.\nDick: My name is Dick.\nGerald: Are you with the NSA or Homeland Security?\nDick: No! I'm a colleague.\nGerald: A colleague?\nDick: You probably know me as \"Dildo Shwaggins\".\nGerald: Dildo Shwaggins from Pussystores.org?!\nDick: We need to talk.\nGerald: You're just a troll?! [turns to his left, raises his arms, and looks up] Oh thank god!\nDick: We're on the same team, Skankhunt.\nGerald: [lowers his hand] Wait, but that means I went \"Protocol Zero\" for nothing. Oh shit [throws his cup of coffee]!\nDick: What's \"Protocol Zero\"?\nGerald: [circles around and then sits] Everything's gone! I destroyed my computers, my phone! [looks at Dick] Why couldn't you just say, \"I know who you are. I'm a troll too,\"? Why do you have to be so fucking cryptic?!\nDick: Us trolls have to be careful. You know that.\nGerald: Look, I'm not really a troll, okay? I just started as a Yelp reviewer and got sick of how everyone's stupid comments sounded. I just like messing with people 'cause it was funny. I got carried away!\nDick: These are really dangerous times, Skankhunt. There are there are things happening in the world and trolls have to come together.\nGerald: For what?\nDick: Someone is trying to wipe us out! Our way of life is in danger.\nGerald: It's not a way of life! I was just doing it for the LOLs.\nDick: That's not true. I've studied your work. You're one of the best trolls I have ever seen.\nGerald: [stands up] No, no! I am done with this crap. I thought my wife was going to find out, [grabs his sunglasses] but that was too spooky. [puts on his sunglasses and walks away].\nDick: Gerald, we need each other. The Danish [raises his arms] are planning something horrible against us.\nGerald: [stops and faces Dick] I'm not one of you, okay? I just need to stop. [tries to climb up the steep dirt, but falls down].\nScene Description: South Park Elementary School Playground. A group of boys come together and form a semi-circle around Kyle.\nKyle: [talks while pacing back and forth] Guys, I've been thinking this over a lot and ... we need to be more active in showing the girls that we respect them. There's a big girl-volleyball game tonight and we should all go and show our support.\nStan: You really think that's gonna make a difference?\nKyle: I do. We need to show the girls that not all boys aren't the same and that we are willing to change. [stops pacing]\nButters: Well why don't you just shut the fuck up, Kyle? [talks while walking] All I've been hearing in a few weeks is how [stops walking]this is our fault, how boys need to change. Well I'm getting pretty sick of it. Everyone else seems to be proud about who they are, but not us; and then we get Uncle Kyle here telling us that the girls are right!\nKyle: Butters?\nButters: [turns towards and points at him] This is a war [walks from Kyle] on all of us. You want to listen to Uncle Kyle, we'll go ahead. Pretty soon [stops walking, and faces Tweek and Craig] they'll be locking us all up. And don't think you're safe either, Tweek and Craig. Just 'cause you're gay does not mean that you aren't looked down upon for being boys! [turns to his left] The world wants us all to feel shame just because we were all born with [points downwards] wieners!\nKyle: Butters, you need to calm down.\nButters: No! [walks towards Kyle] We tried doing it your way, Kyle. We tried doing what the girls wanted us to do and where did it get us?\nClyde: Nowhere.\nButters: [turns around] Right! It turned us against one of our own match, that's what it did! What happened to Eric Cartman is the girl's fault, not ours!\nToken: That's true!\nButters: I'm done feeling guilt. I'm a boy, dang nab it! And you know what? I'm proud of my little wiener. Mark my words, the moment is coming when you all need to decide; are you with your kind, [points at Kyle] or are you with Uncle Kyle.\nScene Description: The Broflovski living room. Gerald taps his fingers with boredom on the dinner table. Sheila then checks on her husband.\nSheila: Gerald, you've been sitting at the table for three hours now. You okay?\nGerald: [stops tapping] I'm great! Totally good. Just sitting down and ... doing nothing. Is there a problem with that? Is there a problem with just wanting to sit and just be? Is that illegal now?\nSheila: Not at all, Gerald. I'm sorry.\nGerald: I'm totally happy. I'm happy. I don't need to do anything to make me happy, fuck.\nSheila: Well! I know you said your computer was broken. So, I went ahead and got you something. [takes out iPad from a bag] Here, it's your own iPad.\nGerald: [gets frightened, stands up and tries walking away from Sheila] Ah! Ah ah, ah! No, no! I'm good. Get that away from me.\nSheila: [turns to her husband] You don't like it?\nGerald: No, sorry! I love it! I'm just swearing off electronics for a little bit. [leans closer to the iPad and speaks softer in a harsh tone] Or maybe I can just get on a couple of message boards. [backs away and speaks normally] No, I'm good! I don't need it!\nSheila: Gerald, [walks closer to Gerald] what's going on?\nGerald: Nothing, Sheila. I'm fine. [turns so his body faces the table] I'm just trying to make some changes and less electronics is part of it. I'm sorry, Honey. Everything is okay. Promise.\nSheila: Okay, Gerald. I'll make us some lunch. [walks to the kitchen] Oh uh, did that guy outside talk to you?\nGerald: [faces the front window] What guy outside? [walks towards the window and sees Dick on the other side of the road from his house] What the fuck? [checks on Sheila and then whispers to Dick] Go away, go! [waves his arms sideways] Go! Go away! Go go!\nDick: [shows a note to Gerald that says \"WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK\", then drops the paper to show the other note saying \"IT'S IMPORTANT\"]\nGerald: [whispers quickly, closes the blind and curtains of the window, and then walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. A large crowd of people watch the girls volleyball game.\nSports Commentator: Welcome students and parents to tonight's matchup between the South Park Cows and the Bona Festa Demons.\nKyle: Dude, this is awesome! Did you see how many of the boys I've got to come out tonight?!\nStan: Yeah! This is a pretty sweet turnout!\nWendy: [smiles at Stan]\nKyle: This is exactly what we needed. Thank god people listen to me.\nReferee: [blows whistle]\nSports Commentator: And now please sit, stand, or kneel for the National Anthem.\nScene Description: National Anthem plays\nButters: [takes off his pants and underwear, pulls his shirt, and raises his fist causing people to be shocked]\nJason: Holy crap, dude. Look at Butters.\nScene Description: other boys gradually start to follow Butters' actions except for adults, Kyle, and Stan\nKyle: Oh [hits his face] no!\nScene Description: South Park.\nGerald: [walks through town depressed and then quickly dodges a bicyclist] Son a bitch! Ahhh! [walks near the Community Center, reads a sign about addiction problems, and checks the group]\nScene Description: South Park Community Center. A group of guys are in a social group hosted by Randy.\nRandy: Gerald. Hey come on in. You're not alone, bud. We're all facing the same struggles and trying to do something about it. Anyways please continue, Richard.\nGerald: [sits on the available chair to the right of Randy]\nRichard: Well like I was saying, I've been addicted to memberberries for the past two months now.\nRandy: It's okay, man. You're not alone.\nRichard: It's just, you know, 'membering is more fun than thinking. I want so bad to go back to when things were good. When I was a kid, you know like, the 80s and the 90s, and things made sense.\nRandy: And that's how we got here to this very memberberry election.\nGerald: What is this?!\nRandy: What have been your struggles with memberberries, Gerald?\nGerald: I, I don't even know what a member-.\nBerries: [muffled from Michael's pocket] 'Member the Dagobah? Yeah, I remember the Dagobah. That's where Yoda lives. 'Member Yoda?! Oh, I 'member!\nRandy: [coughs] Michael, are there memberberries in your pocket?\nBerries: Oh, 'member Corellian Corvette?! I remember Corellian Corvette!\nMichael: [sqishes the memberberries] Nope!\nRandy: Anyway, Gerald, what has your experience been?\nGerald: I don't even know what memberberries are.\nStephen: Gerald, come on. The first step towards healing is admitting you've got a problem.\nGerald: Yeah. [stands up and points at Stephen] Well you've got a fat pussy, and you should go and fucking kill yourself! [calms down] Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong place. [walks away]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary: Principal's Office. PC Principal talks with Wendy, Bebe, Annie Knitts, and Nichole.\nPC Principal: Make no mistake! I want to be very upset. However, as a community, we have all decided that people have the right to protest the National Anthem.\nWendy: They took their wieners out!\nPC Principal: [points upwards] Correct! [lowers his arms] But they did so peacefully and without malice towards others.\nWendy: This was an attack on us. This is exactly why we sat out the National Anthem in the first place!\nPC Principal: I want you to understand something, ladies. [positions his hands parallel from each other] I am in a PC Pretzel here because if I say [moves his hands to his right] they can't protest even though [moves his hands to the left of him] you protested [moves his hand back towards the middle] and the only difference is that their protest included physical gestures, then I'm body shaming!\nBebe: So you're just gonna let the boys take their wieners out whenever they want?\nPC Principal: That's what happens when you sit out the National Anthem.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary: hallways. Stan and Kyle put their stuff in their lockers. While hearing Butters, they face him in shock.\nButters: [speaks through a microphone while rallying a group of boys with their pants pulled out] We walk together in peace! We walk together in peace! We're not poor for feeling ashamed in who we are! We're not gonna feel guilt for the way we were born! Wieners out!\nWieners Out boys (except Butters): Wieners out!\nButters: Don't let anyone tell you you are somehow nice because you're a boy! Don't let anyone tell you to not think with your wiener, as if your wiener is a bad thing!\nWieners Out boys (except Butters): Yeah!\nButters: What makes us different makes us beautiful! No more shame, no more doubt, no more bigotry!\nWendy: [runs away from the rally]\nWieners Out boys (except Butters): Wieners out!\nButters: Don't be an Uncle Kyle! Be proud of who you are!\nStan: [pulls down his pants and joins the rally]\nButters: You are either with us or against us! It's really that simple!\nScene Description: The Broflovski master bedroom. Gerald brushes his teeth when he suddenly hears a flute playing. He checks the window and sees Dick playing on a tree branch.\nGerald: [whispers] Damn it! [waves his arms away from the window] I live here! Stop that! [shuts the curtains and lies on the bed next to Sheila]\nSheila: [stops reading and faces Gerald] You don't have to work tonight?\nGerald: No, nothing!\nSheila: Wow! I don't remember the last time you were able to get in bed the same time as me.\nGerald: Got all caught up with work!\nSheila: Hey, I'm not complaining. [closes her book] It feels good to have you here.\nGerald: [gets off the bed and runs away] I'm going on a run!\nScene Description: South Park. Gerald is going for a run.\nGerald: [gets surprised by the car honking at him] Ah! [raises his fist] Fuck you! [\"flips\" his index fingers] Fuck you!\nScene Description: The Broflovski master bedroom at 2:43 a.m. Sheila is sleeping.\nGerald: [talks from the master bathroom] Yeah!\nSheila: [fully wakes up]\nGerald: Screw you, Skank! You fat little bitch! Go kill yourself, whore!\nShiela: [gets off bed and walks near the master bathroom].\nGerald: Yeah, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! [chuckles]\nSheila: Gerald? [opens the door, gets scared of the Gerald's creepy face, screams, and runs away]\nGerald: [lays iPad in the sink and chases Sheila] Oh, sorry, Hun! Sorry!\nScene Description: The Broflovski hallway. Kyle notices Sheila screaming and exits his room.\nKyle: Everyone all right, guys?\nGerald: Everything's fine, Kyle. Go back to bed.\nScene Description: The Broflovski kitchen. Gerald and Sheila sit down on the table to have talk.\nSheila: [wipes her eyes with tissue] One night you, you say all of our computer stuff is broken and you, you hide everything and then you show up with all of this new equipment and now this! Please, tell me what's going on!\nGerald: Nothing is going on!\nSheila: [points at Gerald] You hissed at me! You went [faces to her right, hisses, and then faces back at him].\nGerald: Okay, okay. I'm going to tell you the truth, Sheila. I watch porn on the Internet. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop.\nSheila: But I know you watch porn. You told me you watched porn and I told you that I don't care, Gerald.\nGerald: Oh yeah! But uh, it's uh, but this is different.\nSheila: Why?! Because it's not normal porn?\nGerald: Right!\nSheila: Like something really embarrassing?\nGerald: It's really embarrassing.\nSheila: Tell me!\nGerald: It's... porn! It's... uh, piss! Porn! Piss porn!\nSheila: Piss porn? Like people peeing on each other?\nGerald: [stands up] See?! [walks closer to Sheila] It's so embarrassing! No wonder I hid it, right?! [wipes his forehead] Whew! [moves closer to Sheila] I'm sorry! It's good to get it out in the open though. [walks to bed]\nSheila: Do you want me to pee on you?\nGerald: [stops and turns around] No!\nSheila: You only like watching other women pee?\nGerald: [walks closer to Sheila] Oh no, no! It's not like that.\nSheila: [turns around] Because they're pretty? You have to watch around a video because I'm overweight and old?\nGerald: No! I, I, I want you to! I just couldn't ask.\nSheila: You do, promise? [faces Gerald]\nGerald: [in complete shock] Yes?\nScene Description: The Broflovski master bedroom. Gerald lies on the bed with his top off. Romantic music plays as Sheila walks out of the master bathroom and onto the bed over Gerald's head, while wearing a sex outfit and peeing on him. Gerald gnarls moving his head back and forth.\nSheila: Am I doing it right, Gerald?\nGerald: Yep! [gnarls]\nIke: [watches Gerald and Sheila from the hallway]\nGerald: So hot, I mean [gnarls] warm! [gnarls some more]\nKyle: [walks behind Ike and gets shocked by Gerald and Sheila's actions]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary: hallways. Eric Cartman sits on the stairs sewing a necklace and Kyle approaches him.\nKyle: Hi, Cartman.\nCartman: [looks at Kyle] Hey, Kyle.\nKyle: I'm so sorry, what we did to you. This Internet troll has everyone going crazy. We shouldn't have assumed it was you. We shouldn't have broke all of your stuff.\nCartman: Cool. That's cool.\nKyle: No! I know it's not cool. I know you're figuring out how to get back at us.\nCartman: I saw a vagina, Kyle.\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: I'm not holding a grudge. I'm happier now. I have purpose.\nKyle: You saw who's vagina?\nCartman: My girlfriend's. She stood six feet away and flashed it really fast. But in that instant, you know what I saw? I saw that humankind can colonize Mars. I saw the potential of our species to terraform other planets and reach the infinite.\nKyle: [lays his hand on his forehead] Yeah right, okay. [lowers his hand] I'm being serious, Cartman. Butters needs to be taken down a notch and you're the best at that.\nHeidi: [overlaps Kyle's last few words and approaches Eric] Eric, hey! I got us both chocolate milks.\nCartman: [stands up and talks to Heidi] Of course you did 'cause you're amazing. Look at what I made you.\nHeidi: The pink and blue one?!\nCartman: That's what my baby wanted.\nHeidi: [raises her arms and cheers] Yay, [lowers her arms] put it on me!\nCartman: [puts the necklace on Heidi and faces Kyle] Oh sorry. Heidi, you know Kyle?\nHeidi: [faces Kyle] Oh yeah. Hey, Kyle. [talks to Eric while they hold hands] The show's on at five tonight if you want to watch it at your house or my house.\nCartman: Oh either way, we totally can. I, I guess Kyle has something to talk to us something about first, um. [talks to Kyle] Go ahead, Kyle.\nKyle: [in complete shock] The, the school is in trouble and, um our friends are...\nCartman: He said something about us working together to take down Butters.\nHeidi: Why? What's going on, Boo?\nCartman: I'm not sure, Boo. [faces Kyle] Could you start from the beginning, Kyle? [faces Heidi] Heidi is amazing at figuring stuff out.\nKyle: [pauses in complete shock]\nScene Description: South Park park. Gerald sits on a bench and starts gnarling after seeing a dog pee on a tree. Dick sits down next to Gerald.\nGerald: It wasn't suppose to be like this. I just thought it was funny making people get wild up. It was just stupid-harmless-lock-room humor, till I made that lady kill herself.\nDick: [sighs] You can't deny who you are, Skankhunt.\nGerald: [speaks softer and faces Dick] Don't call me that here! Why can't you just go away?!\nDick: Because we're all in danger. Didn't you see the video I sent you?\nGerald: No! Don't you get it?! I went \"Protocol Zero\"! I broke my phone, I delete all my email accounts so that nobody can trace me [faces away from the bench] ever again!\nDick: They will be able to, [faces Gerald] everyone. You need to see this video, Skankhunt. The whole world is about to change.\nScene Description: Sizzler. Kyle sits with Cartman and Heidi next to each other.\nCartman: [talks to Kyle] You want to know what's really going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Even though women have made great gains in the last century, there are still a part of men who aren't comfortable with women having power. It really just comes down to that, and then you have social media which allows men to anonymously say horrific things like \"Women aren't funny,\" even though Heidi's like the funniest person I'be ever met.\nHeidi: Shut up.\nCartman: [talks to Heidi] No, it's true. Get over yourself.\nKyle: [starts to get bored]\nHeidi: I don't even try to be funny.\nCartman: I know. You don't have to 'cause you're awesome.\nKyle: Cartman, will you just help me mess with Butters to stop his little agroclub from getting any bigger?\nCartman: [talks to Kyle] Like mess with Butters how? [lifts mug] What do you mean \"mess with Butters\"? [drinks from mug]\nKyle: You know what I mean. Come on! We need the old Cartman back!\nCartman: [gets mad] Oh I see! You have a problem with Heidi.\nHeidi: What?\nCartman: You're threatened by her because she actually has interesting things to say and she is funnier than you.\nKyle: That's not true at all!\nCartman: [talks sarcastically] Oh she's not funnier than you, [speaks with anger] or is she just not funny because she's a girl?\nHeidi: Babe, stop. I don't think he meant anything by it.\nCartman: [talks to Heidi] Sorry, babe. It just really ruffles my feathers.\nHeidi: [talks to Kyle] Look, Kyle, I think it's great you're trying to patch things up with everyone, but the truth is Eric and I are just kind of out of it now.\nCartman: [talks to Kyle] Look, Kyle, we're just out of it now.\nHeidi: We gave up social media and the ugliness that goes along with it and we're in a better place.\nCartman: Humans on Mars.\nScene Description: South Park park. Dick and Gerald are sitting together on a bench.\nDick: I'm warning you, Skankhunt, [takes out his laptop and types] this video is really gonna rock your world.\nGerald: [talks softer] Can you please call me \"Gerald\"?!\nDick: [gives Gerald his laptop] It's very obscure news story from the BBC in England. Hardly anyone has seen it over here. [presses a button and faces away from the bench] This is why we all have to come together, Skank.\nScene Description: Internet video is played.\nBBC reporter: Since the dawn of the Internet, message boards and chat rooms have lit up with people who insight and insult for no apparent reason. They're called [picture of guy with an actual troll behind him is shown] trolls, and a controversial company in Denmark is working to make them a thing of the pass. \"The days of trolls hiding behind nicknames and message boards are over!\" the Danish claim. [Danish music is played] As a new website, [Troll Trace headquarters is shown] Trolltrace.com will soon be up and running. In less than a month, the servers will become active. Anyone can take any troll comment and send it through the Danish service where a real name and real physical address will be attached.\nBedrager: [World spinning with the word \"STIMULATION\" is shown] Every message, every comment [comment is scan, world stops spinning, and a tracer is shown] ever made by trolls will retroactively be given a tag [troll's true identity is shown] with the author's name, location, and [police barge into the troll's house] whole Internet history.\nGerald: [in complete shock] Fffffuuuuuccckkk!\nDick: I told you.\nScene Description: Interview is shown\nBBC reporter: And this is the man who has masterminded it all.\nBedrager: What this will allow people to do is trace back harmful and hateful postings or emails. You see, the troll hides behind a protective layer if you will that Internet enmity provides. We intend to strip them of that protection so that everyone will know who they are.\nScene Description: Gerald wipes his forehead of sweat.\nBBC reporter: And what about people who will use this to spy on others who aren't trolls?\nBedrager: Uh, what do you mean?\nBBC reporter: Once your servers become active, anyone can trace anything onto the Internet back to whoever wrote it. How do you stop that from happening?\nBedrager: Oh oh, right. [coughs and faces the camera] This service is only for tracing the identity of trolls. Thank you. Kom ud trold, komme ud og dø.\nScene Description: The video ends.\nDick: I Google Translated the last part. He said \"Come out troll, come out and die\".\nGerald: This can't be happening.\nDick: By next week, everything everyone has ever done online is going to be available to the public.\nGerald: [closes laptop] Then it's over. I'm dead.\nDick: [faces Gerald] You're not dead, Skankhunt. There's still hope.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria.\nKyle: [shouts] Everyone, can I have your attention please?! [everyone has his attention] I know the past few weeks have been very difficult, for all of us. I know now more than ever that something has to change. I thought a lot about this the past few days. I've seen a lot of things I never thought I would have see. These are all complex issues we're all having to face, and now that I know that after you break it down, there's really only one answer. [pulls off his pants, holds his shirt, and raises his arm]\nScene Description: The girls get upset\nBoys: Yeah! [one of them says \"That's right.\" as they all gradually pull off their pants]\nButters: Good for you, Uncle Kyle!\nScene Description: Some of the girls leave while some of the boys lift Kyle up.\nScene Description: Secret room. Dick drags Gerald who is wearing a bandana over his eyes.\nDick: [takes off the bandana and crumples it in his shirt] Fellow trolls, let me introduce you to Skankhunt42.\nScene Description: Ten other trolls are seen in the meeting.\nGerald: I'm not necessarily Skankhunt42.\nTroll #1: It's okay, Skank. You're with your kind.\nScene Description: Gerald is in shock and Dick closes the door of the room."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground. The boys and girls are yelling at each other as Nelly and Butters are about to fight each other.\nJason: Hit her!\nRandom Boy: Hit her, man!\nAnnie: Kick his ass, Nelly!\nRed: All boys should die!\nLola: Take him out!\nNelly: I don't care if you're a boy, I'm gonna kick your ass!\nButters: [is seen with his pants put down and shirt pulled up] Anytime anywhere, skank.\nBoys (except Butters): Yeah!\nBoys (except Butters): Yeah!\nNelly: Pull up your stupid pants first.\nButters: Why? You're afraid to fight me like a man?\nClyde: Kick her ass, Butters. She called you stupid.\nWendy: He is stupid! Look at him!\nJimmy: At least he's not a zzzzitty-faced ggirl.\nBoys (expect Butters and Jimmy): Yeah!\nCartman: [walks from the girls side of the fight to the in between Nelly and Butters and spreads his arms] Hey hey hey! Whoa, guys! Guys! [crowd stops yelling] Hasn't this gone on long enough? Aren't we tired of being so divided at skewl?\nAnnie: Get out of here, Cartman; nobody's buying it.\nRed: Yeah, everyone knows you're the worst!\nHeidi: Hey, leave him alone! [walks from the boys side of the fight to near Cartman] Eric tries to help [spreads her arms] and you call him names?! [talks to Cartman] Sorry, babe, I had to step in.\nCartman: It's cool, Baby.\nScene Description: [Heidi and Cartman kiss each other and causing the others to be flabbergasted]\nWendy: Heidi?!\nAnnie: [faints]\nCartman: Heidi has been really hurt by all of this, you guys. And I think it's time for us to all try to come together, as a skewl.\nScene Description: Presidential speech break room. Publicist speaks with Garrison.\nAdvisor #1: All right sir [gives Garrison his lines], don't be nervous for your speech; I know we're down a bit in the polls, but there's still a great chance we can win the Swing States.\nGarrison: There's [flips through pages] still a chance, are you serious?!\nPublicist #1: Just one thing sir, be a little careful of what you say about women. Uh, seems like that might be losing us some votes. [walks away]\nGarrison: [puts his hand under his chin] Oh you don't say?\nScene Description: A campaign rally, later. \"Make America Great Again.\" Chris Christie is at the podium]''\nChris Christie: Ladies and gentlemen, out country's divided like never before. And we all know that only one man has the guts to say what we're all thinking. Please, welcome the man who with your help will soon be the next President of the United States! [Mr. Garrison comes out to great fanfare and takes the mic.]\nCrowd Members: Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! [somewhere in there a man shrieks. Garrison lights up a cigarette and starts pacing]\nGarrison: So I'm standin' in line at the airport, waitin' in security 'cause of all the freakin' Muslims. [cheers and applause]\nSupporter: Ow!\nGarrison: And the TSA security people all look like black thugs from the inner city; I'm like \"Oh good, you're gonna protect us?\" [laughter] Well maybe it's good they're all gang members. At least they can tell the difference between Muslims and Mexicans, 'cause God knows I can't. [applause] You know, I'm standin' there in line and you know what I do? I stick my finger in this chick's asshole, [applause and laughter] and she turns to me and says, \"Hey, aren't you that guy that's running for President?\" I say Yeah. She says \"Why you got your finger in my ass?\" I say \"I'm just keeping it warm, honey, 'cause that chick next to you is way hotter and I'm gonna stick it in her clam.\" [the men are clapping, the women just look at him now] Yeah, let's make America great again. No dude wants his finger in some ugly bitch's ass. [the men laugh] You gotta be careful though, it's only about half an inch away, you know, that asshole and that clam, so you gotta be careful. Right dudes? [A woman gets up and makes her way to the aisle] Oh. Oh, where are you goin'? Are you leavin? [the woman turns right to leave the rally] I'm sorry, did I offend you? Where did I lose you, honey? You've been okay with the \"fuck everyone to death,\" all the Muslim and Mexican shit, but fingers in the ass did it for ya? [she reaches the door and exits] Cool, just wanted to see where your line was! [some more women get up, one of them leaves with her husband] Oh yeah, look, I guess some more broads are leavin'. Oh Jeez you were so on board, I can't believe I let that little offensive mark slip. Poor girls. Did you get your feelings hurt after \"Fuck all the immigrants\" and?\" Jeez, I'm sorry. Jeez.\nScene Description: Trolltrace.com, day. A camera zooms into it. Lennart Bedrager dances into view.\nBedrager: [in a weird accent] Hello. Are you tired of hate speech? Are you sick of sexism and-a bigotry? Then please, help the Danish put an end to trolls.\nDanes: Tjing tjang tjing nutillej.\nBedrager: Right now, the people of Denmark are working on a biometric computer superstructure which will allow people all around the world to identify the trolls in their communities.\nDanes: Tjing tjang tjing nutillej.\nBedrager: But to make this dream into a reality, we still need your donations. We are just a few million kroners away, so please donate via the social media of your choice.\nDanes: [four windows open and some Danes sing out] Tjing tjang tjing nutillej.\nBedrager: Just imagine it, knowing who said what on the Internet.\nDane 1: The whole world will be-a peaceful and happy.\nDane 2: Like-a here, in Denmark.\nDane 3: Help fund our project on social media today!\nDanes: Together, we will rid the world of trolls. Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang tjing nutillej!\nScene Description: The darkened room from last episode. The trolls are gathered there again to plan their next move.\nDick: Fellow trolls, we have gathered together because our anonymity is being threatened. Individually, we are some of the most notorious trolls in Colorado. We must now find a way to unite. Each one of us has the power to make message boards go haywire, The power to make individuals buckle and fall. Imagine if we use those skills against a common enemy.\nTroll #2: They have an entire government at their disposal.\nDick: And we... have Skankhunt42.\nGerald: [sighs] It's Gerald. Alright?\nDick: I believe that he... is the key to stopping all this.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is holding an assembly\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. This school is falling apart, and it needs to stop. Boys are harassing girls, and girls are stereotyping boys as- Not now, Mr. Stotch! Put it away!\nButters: [with his pants down and dick out] Well okay. [pulls his pants back up.]\nPC Principal: Now I've asked for some ideas and a couple of students wanna try and help. Please welcome Heidi and Eric. [they come up wearing matching shirts: \"COME TOGETHER as a school\"]\nCartman: Hey you guys?\nHeidi: What's up? [the other kids stay silent]\nCartman: Guys, we have a lot of problems facing our skewl. I don't know if many of you know Heidi but she's really smart and really funny.\nHeidi: Eheh, stop, Eric.\nCartman: You are. And she's come up with a pretty cool idea. Tell 'em, baby.\nHeidi: Thanks, babe. I don't know if you guys have heard, but right now, Denmark is trying to make trolling a thing of the past. They're asking for help, and I thought \"why not a school fundraiser?\"\nCartman: Yeah, but the way you said it was actually way funnier, remember?\nHeidi: What? How did I say it? [from here their voices get softer and softer until they're whispering to each other]\nCartman: Remember, you were like \"Oh, what if we had a fundraiser?\" in uh, what was it? [they hold hands] Remember, you- it was like uh-\nHeidi: When was this? Were we at Denny's?\nCartman: Yeah, we were having uhh, that dessert thing. What was that, that-?\nHeidi: [giggling] Oh, and you kept spilling it and everything?\nCartman: Yeah, yeah, remember? Remember that there was that, that guy that had that, what was it\nHeidi: He had that weird haircut and you kept saying that it looked like he had a dick on his head.\nCartman: Yeah yeah yeah, that's when you said that- don't let anybody- [they get lost in the moment for a few seconds whispering to each other. The other kids lean forward trying to understand what they're discussing. Cartman notices, then] Oh hey guys. Wha-what's up? Oh right. A school fundraiser. Tomorrow, we'll be going to each individual class with more information. And after that...\nHeidi: Then we should all come together [mimicking Cartman] as a skewl. [Cartman giggles and sighs happily. Bebe throws up involuntarily]\nScene Description: Campaign headquarters. Garrison's advisers are exasperated after his disastrous rally. Caitlyn is polishing her nails\nAdvisor #1: Sir, what were you thinking? We said to be careful how you talked about women.\nGarrison: [satisfied with himself] Yeah I don't know, I guess I just kind of screwed the pooch on that one. [checks for any Pabst Blue Ribbon cans with beer left in them]\nChris Christie: We are way down in the polls. I don't know how we recover from this.\nGarrison: Oh really? Jeez that's too bad. [dusts off his pants and checks his shoes]\nChris Christie: A lot of us have staked our lives on backing you! You can't just go bonkers like this!\nGarrison: Hey, sorry. I didn't realize women were racists.\nAdvisor 2: You have... millions of supporters who are looking to you to lead! They're gonna wanna know what you're gonna do about this!\nGarrison: I mean, I don't know. Nothin'. Whatever.\nChris Christie: You wanna tell them that? They're outside. [Garrison is horrified.]\nScene Description: Campaign headquarters, outside. a crowd of people wait to hear from Garrison. He cracks the door open and looks out\nSupporter 1: What's goin' on?!\nSupporter 2: What are ya doin?!\nGarrison: [steps outside] Oh, uh hey everybody. Uh, looks like we're tanking in the polls, but you know what? It's fixed. I was never gonna win in the first place. I knew it from the beginning. And on November 8th, when I lose, I'll be able to say \"I told you so!\" [grins. The crowd is not amused.]\nSupporter 2: This son of a bitch pulled a fast one on us!\nSupporter 3: It's like he's not even trying!\nGarrison: Oh no, I'm I'm trying. I just-\nSupporter 2: Get him!\nGarrison: Shiiit! [he runs off, and the crowd gives chase] Ohhh Jeeez! [people in the crowd come armed with shovels, pitchforks, bats, axes, knives, guns... One person even has a chainsaw he has trouble starting up.]\nSupporters: Kill him! Tear his head off! Don't let him get away!\nSupporter 4: [ginally gets that chainsaw going] Yeah haw!\nScene Description: The Airport Hilton. A concierge walks the hallways, humming to himself, and stops by a private conference: \"Rape Victims Anonymous\"\nAndrew: [knocks on the door]\nAnonymous821: What do you want? Go away.\nAndrew: Hey, just checking to see if you needed any more refreshments for the conference room?\nAnyomous821: We're fine. We don't need anything.\nA Troll: [within the room] Some more creamer?\nAnonymous821: Just some more creamer.\nAndrew: Alright, well, I just wanna say \"thanks for choosing the-\" [the troll shuts the door]\nAnonymous821: Okay, we're clear again.\nDick: You were saying, Skankhunt?\nGerald: Alright, look. How do you troll somebody?\nTroll 4: Say really fucked up shit and make them quit social media?\nGerald: No, no, no, it's not about one person. It's about pushing people's buttons so that they'll react in a way that pushes other people's buttons. Look, you don't just troll a woman with cancer to get a reaction from her, it's all about the group of people that are gonna come to her defense. They're gonna be so self-righteous that another group of people will eventually find those people totally annoying. You're just setting them against each other. It's like the fission reaction that sets off the fusion explosion. The Internet does it all, and you just sit back with your glass of wine and laugh.\nAnonymous821: Wow... that seems kind of... mean.\nGerald: It's not mean if it's hilarious.\nDick: If we all worked with you, Skank, could we do it? Could we troll an entire country?\nGerald: If we all worked together? Maybe. [makes a fist with his left hand] Maybe.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson has a lesson on mammals on the board, but Heidi is talking to the class about something else.\nHeidi: Hey guys. Today we're gonna start our school fundraiser. It's an idea I came up with called \"Danishes for Denmark.\"\nCartman: [almost whispering] It's awesome. You're doing awesome.\nHeidi: We need everyone to do their part, so later on in the cafeteria, we are all gonna need to- [the classroom door opens and Heidi looks to see who opened it. Mr. Garrison rushes in and gets to work immediately]\nGarrison: [frantic] Okay children, let's take our seats! Let's uh, get back to our lessons on grammar, shall we?\nStan: Mr. Garrison?\nGarrison: Okay, does anybody, uh, remember where we left off? No? Alright, uh, who can tell me what an adjective is? [to Mrs. Nelson] You can go now, I'm back. [to the class] Who can t-who can tell me what an adjective is?\nToken: Uh, aren't you running for President?\nGarrison: Adjectives usually come before what? They come before nouns, that's right.\nChris Christie: [clears his throat] Mr. Garrison, you can't just act like nothing happened! You're spiraling out of control, and you have to answer to the people!\nGarrison: I don't know what you're talking about! I am a teacher! [back to the board] Okay, adjectives describe nouns, and there are several types of them-\nChris Christie: Mr. Garrison.\nGarrison: What are some examples of adjectives you can give me for this sentence? Anybody? [writes \"Jack threw the ball.\" on the board.]\nChris Christie: You sold people a line, Mr. Garrison, and you have to make good on it!\nGarrison: The yellow ball. That's a good one. Or we can say \"the slippery ball,\" can't we?\nChris Christie: Come on. [his advisers come in.]\nGarrison: What else about the ball? No, please! [The advisers gather around him and carry him off] What else can we say about the ball, children? No, please! Leave me alone!\nButters: The bouncy ball?\nGarrison: [grabs a chalk stick and scratches it against the blackboard] No! No, I'm not going back! Please! They're gonna kill me, children! Please! Help me, children! Help me! [Chris Christie shuts the door]\nScene Description: [The Broflovski house, day. Gerald and Dick arrive and go inside. They carry with them keyboards, computers, cables...]'\nGerald: Okay, come on. Office is upstairs. [they run into Sheila] Oh, hi honey.\nSheila: Gerald, you're back from your convention?\nGerald: Yeah, it went really well. This is uh, my IT guy. Gonna help me get my office computers set back up.\nSheila: Well, can I make you guys somethin' to eat?\nGerald: Don't worry about us, hon. Lots of work to do. Love you so much! [he and Dick go on upstairs.] Ike, no Internet tonight. We need all the bandwidth we can get. Say hi to Dildo Shwaggins.\nDick: Hello. [Gerald closes the door]\nScene Description: [Gerald's home office. Gerald and Dick sit on the floor putting the computers back in place.]'\nDick: I gotta hand it to you, Gerald. You have a really nice home, nice family.\nGerald: Yeah? Well now you see I have a lot to lose if they find out who I am.\nDick: And who is that?\nGerald: What?\nDick: I've studied your work. You're so good at lashing out at the system. Bringing people down off their high horses. Why do you do it?\nGerald: I told you, it's just funny to me. I do it for the lulz.\nDick: I don't believe that. I think there's more to Skankhunt. When I was in school, kids teased me. Called me \"midget,\" even though I'm not. My mother was a little person, but she actually married a guy who had gigantism syndrome. She thought, if she was a little person and had a baby with a giant, I would come out normal. [Gerald stifles a laugh] We can't let these Danish pricks take our online lives, Skank. For some of us... it's all we have.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. A banner over the kitchen entrance reads \"SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER.\" All the kids are making Danishes and PC Principal supervises it all.\nHeidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl.\nCartman: We can work together hand in hand to make the whole world understand that\nHeidi and Cartman: We came together as a skewl.\nCartman: Put our difference aside, feeling hope now feeling pride. No more fighting, it's time for something new.\nHeidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl.\nScene Description: During the song, the following things are seen: Two kids come up to get some trays with freshly backed Danishes on them, two other kids hand them the trays. Stan, Wendy, and Millie spread frosting on the Danishes. Butters and Nelly do the same at another table. Red passes by. Nichole and Token prepare the batter, as do Tweek and a girl. Clyde and Bebe pack the Danishes up and hand them to Nelly, then move on to the next box. By the time the song ends, the kids look tired. Annie, Kyle, Kevin, and another girl are putting frosting on their Danishes.\nHeidi: I really feel like this is the start of something new! We're gonna help Denmark, and Denmark is gonna put an end to trolls.\nCartman: And then maybe everyone can finally be as happy as we are.\nHeidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl.\nCartman: Terraform Mars.\nScene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day. Mr. Garrison rans past City Wok\nGarrison: Oooooohhh. [stops to catch his breath, then sees his advisers and runs again] Oohh!\nAdviser: He went this way!\nChris Christie: Get back here! You're acting like an idiot! [Behind the advisers is the crowd of supporters with their weapons]\nSupporters: Get him! String him up! We put our faith in you, asshole!\nScene Description: The trolls are in their own homes now.\nDick: Test test 1 2. This is Dildo Shwaggins. We are ready to commence the trashing of Denmark. All trolls report in.\nPurpleheadedQueeflicker: PurpleheadedQueeflicker standing by.\nChe Gamorrah: [voice over] Che Gamorrah standing by.\nMLKKK: MLKKK and I'm ready.\nAnonymous821: Anonymous821 signed in to multiple accounts and standing by.\nURFATANDDUM: [voice over] URFATANDDUM standing by.\nSuperSexyLisa18: SuperSexyLisa18 standing by.\nYourMomsTits: [voice over] YourMomsTits standing by.\nGerald: Skankhunt42 standing by.\nDick: Okay. everyone follow Skankhunt's lead. Don't get distracted, we are only trolling Denmark.\nGerald: Alright, engaging Twitter... now! Prepare for overreaction on my mark. 3... 2... Mark.\nScene Description: South Park, day. Sleet falls to the ground as the wind howls through town. Thunder rolls by. Garrison, dripping wet from the sleet, finds a door and steps inside - it's the South Park Community Center. He sees the members of Member Berries Anonymous seated around a circle, with an empty chair waiting for the random walk-in. Garrison's spray tan is washing off.\nRandy: Hey, Mr. Garrison. Come on in, bud. Have a seat, you're not alone.\nGarrison: You, you're not gonna try and lynch me too?\nRandy: No lynchings here, little cowboy. Take a seat. [Garrison takes the seat] You wanna share with us what you're goin' through?\nGarrison: [crying softly] It's all my fault. I just wanted to get rid of all the immigrants, you know? [takes out a napkin and blows his nose with it] I just- I thought we could fuck them all to death, and everyone started listening to me. Next thing I know I actually get the nomination from the Republicans!\nRandy: It's not your fault, little guy.\nGarrison: It is my fault! I told people I could make the country great again, but I didn't have a plan!\nRandy: Not your fault.\nGarrison: I got caught up in people cheerin' for me, bein' in the media every day. I, I led this entire election down the shitter.\nRandy: You've gotta stop blaming yourself.\nGarrison: Well then, whose fault is it?!\nRandy: Here, catch. [tosses a member berry at him]\nMember Berry: Member Lando Calrissian? Member tauntauns? Member? Member feeling safe?\nGarrison: What the fuck is this?\nRandy: That... is why millions of Americans want you to be President. But there's more...\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald is in bed, sleeping. Dick knocks on his bedroom door and Gerald wakes up. He checks for Sheila, but she's not in bed. He gets up to answer the door, and Dick shows him the latest headline: DENMARK IN TURMOIL!\nDick: It's started! [smiles. Gerald smiles back, then grins.]\nScene Description: The living room. Gerald and Dick run down to the sofa and take seats\nGerald: Did they pick it up on Yahoo?\nDick: Don't know, but Google has it as the number one story.\nGerald: Oh, shit! Go to, go to Huffington!\nBill Keegan: Millions of people took to the Internet last night after shocking claims were made about the Danish company LEGO and their ties to ISIS.\nGerald: Oh yes! This is CNN front page right now.\nCNN Anchor: It now appears the country of Denmark was the victim of a massive troll. The country is still reeling from the LEGO hoax story.\nBill Keegan: Tom, by the time the hoax was revealed the damage had already been done. Millions of people got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon, and when millions more came in to support Denmark, hundreds of millions more got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon.\nDick: We did it! We did it! [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs]\nGerald: Oh, Kyle! Ahh, hey, I didn't think you'd be leaving yet.\nKyle: I have a fundraiser at school.\nGerald: Well, did you see what was all over the Internet? Everyone's ripping on LEGOs.\nKyle: What?\nGerald: Yeah, now the whole world is blowing up with Danish jokes. It's hilarious.\nDick: The Guardian has a bunch of stories up about how the Denmark government isn't responding to even interview requests.\nGerald: Wow, fuck Denmark, huh Kyle? That's gotta be what just about everyone is thinking now. Fuck Denmark. [Dick grins]\nScene Description: Trolltrace.com, day. Its executives run inside the building for an emergency meeting.\nDane 2: Sir, public opinion of Denmark is-a very very shit.\nDane 3: All our social media pages are-a filled with million and millions of-a horrible comments.\nDane 4: And our crowd-funding sites are taken over too.\nDane 5: Everyone is making fun of us like we were goofballs.\nDane 6: How could-a this-a happen?\nLennart: Because that's what trolls DO! I should have known that once they got wind of our little plan, they would start trolling us!\nDane 7: So then Denmark isn't funding ISIS?\nLennart: Of course not!\nDane 1: But-a how do we prove that to the rest of-a the world?\nLennart: We can't respond, it will only make the trolls stronger! Our only choice is to go offline\nDane 5: You mean we have to quit Twitter?\nLennart: Everything, you ignoramus! The only way to stop the bleeding is for Denmark to get off social media! Pokkers Du Trold!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In front of the school, the kids have set up their Danishes for Denmark stand. Some of the kids are dressed in what appears to be Danish outfits]''\nHeidi: Hello. [a car rolls by] Buy a Danish to help stop trolling? How come nobody's stopping? Maybe this was a terrible idea.\nCartman: It was a great idea. [spots another car driving by] Hey! Hey, buy a Danish for Denmark?\nDriver: Heheh, fuck Denmark\nButters: [runs up with his boxes and throws then down] That's it! I am through with your stupid crap! Every house I've been to just rips on me and and says Denmark is stupid!\nCartman: What?\nKyle: [arriving] It's true. Denmark got trolled last night. They left social media.\nHeidi: Then, all of this was... for nothing.\nButters: I told you fellas! This is what you get for working with a bunch of stupid girls!\nWendy: How is this our fault?! At least we actually did the work!\nClyde: Oh yeah? You guys fucked up all the frosting!\nAnnie: You assholes overcooked them! [the kids begin to argue with each other]\nHeidi: Oh no! This was a terrible idea! [leaves the booth]\nCartman: Heidi! [follows her]\nScene Description: [the side of the school, moments later. Heidi reaches a tree and sobs on it a little. Cartman catches up to her]'\nHeidi: I'm so stupid!\nCartman: Don't say that.\nHeidi: Why did I even think I could bring the boys and girls together again?\nCartman: Because you're smart and funny, that's why. It was a great idea, Heidi. [puts his hand on her shoulder] I think that somehow... trolling is playing a bigger part in this than anyone even realizes.\nScene Description: The member berry anonymous meeting. Mr. Garrison is still there\nRandy: Every great empire reaches a point where going backward can seem more appealing than forward. When the world is changing so fast it makes us yearn for the old ways, when life seemed simpler. But it doesn't mean those old ideas are good for us now. We have to face one hard reality as a country. [stands by an easel with a Star Wars poster on it] The new Star Wars was not as good as everyone thought it was. It may seem fun to go back and recycle the past we loved, but we end up with no sustenance.\nGarrison: I thought you were gonna explain why people want a guy like me to be President.\nRandy: Well, that's important too, I guess, but, it's just a symptom of the same thing. See, when a civilization has become so big it starts to get lazy, then that's [removes the Star Wars poster to reveal a picture of a member berry orchard] when you get member berries. They're noting new. They date back all the way to the Roman Empire. [shows a painting of a woman giving her lover some member berries.] Once too many Romans ate the member berries there was no more growth. They rested on their laurels just eating and 'membering all the good stuff.\nGarrison: I think those are just grapes.\nRandy: Thought so too till I zoomed in. [removes the painting to show a closeup of just the berries]\nMember Berries: Member?\nRandy: You see, we all wanna go back to when we were kids. Simple ideas like a big man to protect us, keep us safe. Instead of a fresh new Star Wars we want the old, just recycled and plopped in our tummies.\nGarrison: You almost make it sound like J.J. Abrams is responsible for this entire election.\nRandy: Does this look familiar? [removes the closeup to show J.J. Abrams wearing a cap on which is written \"MAKE STAR WARS GREAT AGAIN.\"]\nGarrison: [takes a good look at the picture, then stands up] Ohh Jeeez.\nScene Description: Trolltrace.com. Lennart Bedrager sits in the conference room alone\nDane 2: Sir! We got a message from overseas. You really should see it.\nLennart: A message how? We're completely offline.\nDane 2: This was sent on VHS. Whoever sent it is-a completely offline too.\nLennart: Put it on the screen. [a video pops up with Cartman and Heidi on it.]\nCartman: People of Denmark, we know that you've been the victim of trolling. So have we. Maybe we can help. I'm not sure if you know my girlfriend Heidi but... She's really smart and really funny.\nHeidi: Stop baby, no I'm not.\nCartman: [whispers] You are, babe. Stop it.\nLennart: Who the hell are these people?\nDane 2: Just listen.\nCartman: [whispers] Go on, babe, just tell them. Tell them.\nHeidi: I have an idea. I might be able to figure out the source of who trolled you last night.\nLennart: Get everyone back inside. If this girl really is that smart and funny, we might have another shot here. [the other Dane goes away]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Mars in Cartman's fantasy.\nCartman: [jumps] Whee! [waves at someone far away] Hi! [looks at a human city] So cool! [leaps towards the city]\nUnnamed characters 1 and 2: [wave at Cartman] Hi!\nUnnamed character 3: [waves at Cartman] Hi!\nCartman: Hi! [stops and sees a roller coaster] Dude, Mars rules. [leaps to the roller coaster] Mars rules!\nScene Description: M Burger. Cartman is smiling while on a date with Heidi.\nHeidi: What are you thinking about, Babe?\nCartman: Just thinking about how much we could accomplish if... people weren't so close-minded.\nHeidi: You're worried about him again, aren't you? Your friend, Kyle?\nCartman: [sighs] He's not a bad person, Heidi.\nHeidi: Then talk to him babe. Tell him what we're doing. Maybe you can get him back.\nCartman: You're right. You're right, Heidi.\nScene Description: The Broflovski residence. Gerald is at his office trolling people.\nGerald: [repeatedly clicks on keyboard and talks softly] Ha ha, yeah. I'm yours, bitch. Ha ha. [speaks louder]. Suck it! [moves the mouse] How about a dick in your mouth?! There you go! Ha ha, ha ha ha ha. [notices the door bell ringing] Aw! [walks to the front door, and opens it]\nTrolls: Hi Skankhunt!\nGerald: [gets shocked] Ah! [tries looking behind him] What are you guys doing here?!\nDick: We came to celebrate!\nPurpleheadedQueeflicker: Not everyday you troll a whole country.\nAnonymous821: [showed a case of John Adams beer] We brought some beer. Let's have a trolling party.\nScene Description: The trolls have sat down and laughed each other\nPurpleheadedQueeflicker: We did it!\nDick: I think if anything, we proved that trolls really can have an effect on the world.\nTrolls: Yeah! Yeah!\nTroll 7: You said it!\nSupersexyLisa18: Thanks to us!\nDick: And I think on the next one, [raises his beer] we're only gonna get better.\nTroll 4: No doubt about it.\nGerald: Wh-what are you talking about \"next one\"?\nDick: Skankhunt, we got an entire country to sign off social media and... stop what they were doing. Imagine what effect we can have on the rest of the world?\nAnonymous821: We're like super-trolls who could change anything.\nGerald: [leans to Dick] Can I talk to you for a second?\nScene Description: Gerald and Dick walk to the kitchen\nGerald: Why did you bring them here?!\nDick: What do you mean? We're all on a team, Skankhunt.\nGerald: That was a one-time deal so nobody would find out who we are!\nDick: But you saw what we did when we worked together? Just think what we could do to like the Presidential Election.\nGerald: The election?! I don't give a shit about the election! You don't troll to be political!\nDick: Of course it's political!\nGerald: No, I just do it to laugh, like I did when I was a kid! Don't you just remember being a kid and calling someone a fag for no reason?!\nDick: I remember being called a fag for no reason.\nGerald: Right! Like it was just fun, right?! Getting political doesn't do anything for me. I just like remembering when I was a kid. That's it. You need to get those people to go and then you need to go.\nDick: Okay. [puts down his beer mug] Sure, Skankhunt. Whatever you say. [walks away]\nScene Description: Marsh kitchen.\nGarrison: Presidential election is only two weeks away. We have to [lifts a bag of memberberries talking] destroy these things.\nJar Berries: 'Member the Bi-wing fighters? 'Member the Service Droids? I 'member.\nRandy: [setting up experiment] That's much easier said than done. They're resistent to just about everything I tried.\nExperiment Berry: 'Member, 'member Mos Eisley? 'Member the Rancor, 'member? 'Member sand people? 'Member the Cantina? 'Member- [gets torched by Randy and screams] My eyes!\nJar Berries: What's going on now? They're using a torch on him. Oh, are they gonna use a torch on us?!\nExperiment Berry: Ah, Aaaaah! [stops getting torched] 'Member Bespin? 'Member Wedge? I loved Wedge. 'Member?\nRandy: Uh, there has to be something.\nGarrison: Try the acid.\nExperiment Berry: 'Member Mon Mothma? 'Member the rebel transports? [screams while acid is poured on him]\nJar Berries: They're trying to destroy us. They are?! Our whole species?! They can't do that?! Yeah they can! 'Member the Death Star blowing up Alderaan? Oo, Alderaan, I 'member.\nExperiment Berry: [keeps on screaming until Randy runs out of acid] 'Member the Cloud City? 'Member IG-88, the bounty hunter droid? 'member, that was fanta'tic.\nRandy: Damn it! [takes off flashlight] These things are impossible to get rid of.\nScene Description: Broflovski bathroom. Kyle sits on the toilet, using his phone and then hears a knock from the other side of the door]''\nKyle: [tilts head up] Yeah.\nCartman: [opens the door halfway and leans] Hey, Broship. You got a minute?\nKyle: Oh, what do you want now?!\nCartman: Just a second. Please, Kyle?\nKyle: Hurry up!\nCartman: Okay, [walks with Heidi in the bathroom] come on, Baby.\nKyle: Ah! Dude, what the fuck?\nCartman: Kyle Kyle, I know you haven't had a serious girlfriend, but you've stop caring about seeing each other in the bathroom.\nKyle: I'm going to the bathroom!\nHeidi: Eric really cares about you, Kyle. He feels like he's losing you and he's really upset.\nKyle: Why?\nCartman: [walks away from the toilet] I remember not that long ago, Kyle, when you told me in this very room I believe, that you were going to prove who the troll was no matter what. Do you remember that, Kyle? Where's that Kyle?\nKyle: [looks down] I have to stay with my group, Cartman.\nCartman: [walks to the sink] No no, I know. Being in groups is great; you get to gang [opens sink draw and grabs Lysol spray] up and smash people's stuff, pull up your wiener in the cafeteria. [sprays Lysol at Kyle and walks near Heidi] I wonder what the old Kyle say about this Kyle. I wonder if old Kyle would be pretty disgusted right now by who he's become. Heidi's been working with Denmark now, Kyle. I want to show you what she's done. It's gonna change the way you think.\nScene Description: Gerald's office. Gerald keeps on trolling.\nGerald: Ha ha ha. ha. You stupid bitch. God. Fuck you! Nobody cares about your fat, little- [sees FaceTime call from Dick] Ah. Oh no, not again! [accepts his call] Yes?\nDick: Hey, Skankhunt, it's Dildo Shwaggins.\nGerald: I told you to stop FaceTiming me while I'm on the computer. It's very distracting.\nDick: Well you haven't been answering my calls, so I know this is the only way I can only talk to my buddy.\nGerald: I'm trying to just use the Internet! People should be able to use the Internet without being harassed.\nDick: [sighs] Oh, alright. Look, [grabs his guitar] I wrote a song about our friendship. Can I just play it for you?\nGerald: No!\nDick: [sings badly while strumming his guitar] Two lone wolves on the plains of darkness. The Valkyrie flies from the wailing clouds. The last of the-\nGerald: [ends the call] Bye! Jesus, what is wrong with people?! [drinks wine] Huh. [keeps typing] Nobody cares about your fat sister with Lyme Disease, skank.\nScene Description: Turner residence. Cartman, Heidi, and Kyle walk near Heidi's room. Heide blocks the door before they go in.\nHeidi: '[To Kyle.]' This is gonna seem a little weird to you, okay?\nKyle: What is?\nHeidi: Before I quit Twitter and threw my phone away, I was trying to prove who our school message board troll was.\nCartman: Like you said what you would do, Kyle, except she actually meant it.\nHeidi: Before I stopped searching, I learned something. [opens her door] Take a look.\nScene Description: Cartman, Heidi, and Kyle enter Heidi's room. Kyle walks closer to Heidi's wall to his shock\nKyle: What is all this?\nHeidi: To try and prove who the troll was, I started to for patterns in how students used emojis; then I crossed-referenced that with the troll's writing. I call it \"emoji analysis\". People can hide behind a fake name, but the way they use emojis gives them away.\nKyle: Wow, that's pretty smart.\nCartman: She's funny too, Kyle.\nHeidi: After I had eliminated nearly every student, I have started to realize that the troll's emojis were more archaic and less elegant than the average kid's. That's when I realized it; whoever Skankhunt42 is on the school message boards, it isn't a student, it's an adult.\nKyle: You mean like one of the teachers?\nHeidi: I think... it's one of the parents.\nKyle: Are you sure?\nHeidi: I had enough examples of the teachers' texts and emails to do an emoji analysis, they were much more in lines with Skankhunt's, but still not a match.\nKyle: Emoji analysis, it's genius!\nCartman: You're not giving her credit for being hilarious.\nScene Description: Denmark. People are living their usual lives while some mourn at Freja Ollegard's grave. The setting moves to TrollTrace Headquarters.\nDanes: [sing] En junker red ved juletid Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Omkring ham dalet sneen hvid Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Han stred sig frem i regn og blæst Med et der segnede hans hest Tjing tjang lu Tjing tjang lu Tjing tjang tjing nutillej [stop singing]\nDane 8: [runs towards Bedrager] Sir, take a look at the [shows Bedrager analysis] statistical analysis. The servers are working.\nBedrager: So then we don't need any more funding?\nDane 9: [walks to Bedrager] No, sir. Using Heidi's emoji analysis, we have the final piece of the puzzle.\nDane 5: So far we have narrowed down the location of the troll attack on Denmark. [walks to map of the U.S. with state of Colorado highlighted] It is a location in the middle of the United States: a place they call \"Colorido\".\nBedrager: Colorido? That's a very goofy name.\nDane 5: We believe that very soon the servers will give us the place in Colorido that the troll originated.\nBedrager: [walks closer to map] Hmm hmm. Go on and hide in your cave, little troll. Soon, everyone will know where you live.\nScene Description: Marsh kitchen. Randy gazes the berry with electricity while its in pain.\nRandy: [stops putting in electricity] Damn it! [takes off flashlight] Nothing kills these things!\nGarrison: We have to keep trying. [walks to the jar and grabs it] Where did they go?\nRandy: They're not in the jar? [turns around] That's it. Look, it's over.\nGarrison: No, I'll go find more. [leaves kitchen]\nRandy: [follows Garrison] It's over! Don't you get it?! [walks closer to Garrison] Even if we've found a way to eradicate them now, we don't have time to implement it nation-wide.\nGarrison: Then how do we stop them from getting me elected President?\nRandy: [walks away from Garrison] There's no other choice, Mr. Garrison. [stops walking] The American people have to be made to understand what's going on here. [turns around] You're gonna have to talk to them.\nGarrison: [raises his hands near his head] No, no! I am done giving political speeches: I've tried being dirty, I tried being vulgar. [spreads his arm a little] Nothing matters!\nRandy: [walks closer to Garrison] For the first time ever, [stops walking] you're gonna have to speak from the heart: not make it about you.\nGarrison: Well that's just impossible.\nRandy: You know what these things are capable of. Even if you lose the election, another one like you is gonna rise up and take your place. J.J. Abrams is seeing to that.\nGarrison: [lays his hand on his face] Don't you get it, Randy? I'm not a politician. I never was.\nRandy: All I know is that for the future of our country, you're gonna have to give one last speech: the speech that everyone needs to hear, a speech where you finally just talk like a normal human being.\nGarrison: Oooh geeeeez!\nScene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his desk working on math problems. His door is open and Cartman walks in.\nCartman: Hey man, can we have a quick chin wiggle? Look, the other day when you said Heidi wasn't funny, that was pretty lame, man.\nKyle: She wasn't being funny.\nCartman: Oh my God, will you let it go?! Why do you have to have this hangup against women?!\nKyle: I don't!\nCartman: You do, Kyle! You have to think about the things you say! They matter! [turns to leave]\nKyle: Cartman, [leaves his chair] I did some research on the Danish Web site you've been helping out. You do realize that once TrollTrace is online, anybody can use it on anyone, right?\nCartman: Yeah, to catch trolls.\nKyle: So somebody, like Heidi, could use it to see your entire Internet history. Everything you ever said and did on the Internet, even before you were together.\nCartman: [a look of fear crosses his face] Well, Heidi doesn't actually use the Internet. We've sworn off that stuff, so it's kewl.\nKyle: Right, but somebody, like me, could look up your entire Internet history, print it out, and give it to Heidi. I would imagine there's some things you've done or said on the Internet you wouldn't want Heidi to know about.\nCartman: [thinks for a moment] ...Uh oh. [the recent past flashes through his mind, stopping off at the moment he saw Heidi's vagina in his room with the lights out, then moving on to the day he saw Ghostbusters]\nScene Description: The Bijou, day. Cartman and his mom leave the theater\nLiane: Did you like the movie, hon?\nCartman: No, it sucked! I'm gonna send Butters an e-mail right now. [whips out his phone and types] \"Dude, don't bother with new Ghostbusters. Totally not funny. Chicks ruined it.\" [puts the phone away] Can we get ice cream now? I wanna get the taste of ass out of my mouth. [fast forward to the present]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, present day\nCartman: How can they make what I said on the Internet available to the public? That's bullshit!\nKyle: It's available to everyone, stupid!\nCartman: I gotta go! [runs out]\nScene Description: Randy's kitchen, night. The lights are out, only the moon shines in through the window above the sink.\nUnknown Memberberries: Heehee, hurry! Come on, we have to hurry! Let's go.\nMemberberry 1: [rolls away from toaster] This way, this way! We have to go this way, 'member?\nMemberberry 2: [bounces away from toaster] Oh, I 'member!\nMemberberry 3: [rolls away from toaster] Come on, we have to hurry! [rolls while Berry 1 bounces]\nMemberberry 4: [bounces away from toaster] 'Member Jabba the Hut? [bounces while following the others]\nMemberberry 2: Yeah! Come on Tubbs, you have to keep up! 'Member?! [rolls while following the others]\nTubbs: [bounces while ] Hehe, sorry. I 'member.\nMemberberry 1: Okay, almost there.\nMemberberry 4: [stops] 'Member the Battle of Endor?\nMemberberry 1: Shh.\nMemberberry 4: [talks softer] 'Member the Battle of Endor?\nMemberberry 3: [stops] Oh I 'member. [berries keep on moving].\nTubbs: Hehehe. Are we almost there?\nMemberberry 1: Shh.\nMemberberry 2: Come on, 'member?\nMemberberry 4: Oh I 'member!\nScene Description: The Broflovski residence. Dick rings the doorbell and Gerald answers.\nDick: I miss my friend.\nGerald: Oh you got to be-Are you joking?!\nDick: I don't know how things got derailed but, I-I'm sorry if I made you upset. I want to be buddies again.\nGerald: Buddies like when? When were we buddies?\nDick: Come on, let's just have a couple of beers and do some trolling.\nGerald: I don't have time for you! I'm sorry, dude, but I have a life. I have a wife, and kids, [raises his arms] and shit to do!\nDick: Why are you mad at me'?\nGerald: Because you won't go away and let me just have fun!\nDick: I refuse to believe that Skankhunt is that shallow.\nGerald: [turns to his side] Oh here we go!\nDick: When you Photoshopped penises in Kesha survivors' mouths, it's not just to make people laugh.\nGerald: [faces Dick] Yes it is!\nDick: If someone Photoshopped a dick in your wife's mouth, would you just think it was funny?\nGerald: You mean my [shows his phone to Dick with image of Sheila Photoshopped] fucking screensaver.\nDick: It's true. You're just an asshole. I thought you were the ultimate rebel. I actually looked up to you and you're nothing but a super... dick.\nGerald: And what are [points at Dick] you, Dildo Shwaggins? Huh? You think you're a fucking political activist hauled up in your shitty little midget condo. You're nothing but a pissed off little giant, lashing out at everyone because you can't get laid!\nDick: At least I have a reason to be angry. What do you have, that it's funny? Hurting people is just worth the laughs?\nGerald: Stop trolling me.\nDick: One day you're gonna wake up and realize that you don't have anyone either.\nGerald: Stop fucking trolling me. [shuts the front door]\nScene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters. Dane 2 walks to Bedrager while singers sings \"Tjing Tjang Tjing\".\nDanes: Den jomfru sad i høje torn Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Og vendte ham som til forn Tjing tjang tjing nutillej\nDane 2: We have it! We think we have it! [stops walking] The emoji analysis worked. We've found the IP address of the troll that trolled us.\nBedrager: [turns around] Triangulate the servers.\nScene Description: [servers triangulated an area on North Colorado]\nBedrager: Focus everything on that area. It's time to see what these puppies can do.\nScene Description: Fort Collins, Colorado, MLKKK's house. MLKKK types at his computer and hears an air-raid siren and then turns on the TV.\nNews Reporter: Once again, if you live in the city of Fort Collins, there is a chance that all your emails and your entire Internet history has been made accessible to the public.\nMLKKK: [checks his neighbor who is seen running out of the house screaming]\nFort Collins Citizen 1: [exits the house] Who the fuck are these emails to, and what the, what the fuck is MarriedButHorny.com?! [throws the Mac at her husband]\nMLKKK: [sees his phone and picks it up with caution] Hello?\nUnknown Caller: I know where you live now you son-a bitch.\nMLKKK: [throws his phone on his desk and runs away to his car where he drives]\nFort Collins Citizen 2: I've been hacked! Help me I've been hacked!\nScene Description: Everyone in Fort Collins is panicking.\nFort Collins Citizen 3: They'll never forgive me! [jumps down from a high building]\nMLKKK: [quickly presses the brake pedal, but crashes to the car in front of him. He leaves his car behind]\nFort Collins Citizen 4: [gets out of her car and clings onto him] They know everything I said about them! The club knows-\nMLKKK: [pushes the woman] Get away from me! [runs away, but then gets stopped]\nScene Description: From an alleyway, the back of a man holding a bucket is seen as he calls out to MLKKK\nUnknown Caller: Hello MLKKK! [the man is now visible and is accompanied by his disabled daughter] You called my daughter \"R2-D2\". You know how long I waited this day, you son-a bitch! [charges forward and throws the bucket's liquid content onto MLKKK. He then strikes a match and throws it onto MLKKK, immediately setting him on fire]\nMLKKK: Ahhhh! [begins to run around and screams in pain as he is engulfed in flames]\nUnknown Caller's Daughter: Is he burning, Pa?!\nUnknown Caller: He's burning bright, little girl.\nMLKKK: Ahhhh! [continues to run around and scream as father and daughter watch]\nScene Description: A highway. Evening. A toy car is driven with a few Memberries on them. The berries talked while the song \"Africa\" is played.\nToto: [sings] It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things...\nMemberberry 1: 'Member which way we're going?\nMemberberry 2: I 'member.\nTubbs: Hey hey, 'member the Ewok village?\nMemberberry 3: Oh I 'member!\nMemberberry 1: I 'member that!\nMemberberry 4: Oh sure, I 'member!\nMemberberry 2: 'Member 'member!\nScene Description: [a knocking sound is heard from the trunk]\nMemberry 2: Oh shit, hang on. [pulls the car over and stops the song]\nScene Description: [the berries show left the car and opened the trunk to reveal a hostage berry]\nMemberberry 1: Hey you, shut the fuck up!\nMemberberry 2: Yeah, we're gonna kill you, 'member?\nMickey: Oh, I 'member. [trunk gets shut]\nScene Description: The Memberberries dance and talk while \"Africa\" is playing.\nToto: It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do\nMemberberry 3: Oh, 'member this song?\nMemberberry 4: Sure, I 'member.\nMemberberry 1: I love this song, it was fanta'tic, 'member?\nUnknown Memberberries: Oh I 'member. Oh I love it when you 'member! 'Member! 'Member?\nScene Description: Gerald's work office. Gerald watches a live stream news report on his computer.\nNews reporter: Complete panic and mass-hysteria tonight as the City of Fort Collins has been hacked. [aerial footage of an interesection is shown, with burning cars and a bus smashed together while people run through the streets in panic]\nGerald: Oh my god. Oh my god, they've done it.\nNews reporter: The Danish are taking complete credit for the cyber-attack, blaming its successfully exposed and notorious troll. [A black and white photo of MLKKK's with the caption \"MLKKK ANTHONY WEBSTER\" is shown] The man has been identified as the Internet troll MLKKK, [the original photo moves to the side and a phtoto of MLKKK running while engulfed in flames as the unknown caller and his daughter look on is now shown] and was burned alive by one of his apparent victims.\nGerald: Ah!\nNews reporter: The Danish claimed this was only a beta-test and soon the servers will be available worldwide. [turns his head to his left] Wait, so like they'll be releasing everyone's Internet history? Uh, I gotta go. [runs away]\nGerald: No! No no no no no! [FaceTimes Dick] Dildo, they done it! The Danish figured out how to hack everyone's Internet history!\nDick: [ends the call]\nGerald: Ahhh!\nScene Description: Mars in Cartman's fantasy. There's a severe dust storm.\nCartman: Not kewl! Not kewl! [holds onto a rock and sees someone caught in the storm, flying away] Not kewl! [tries to walk to the station]\nUnnamed character 3: [holds onto a station] Wait!\nUnnamed character 1: Have fun! [gets blown away by storm]\nScene Description: [roler coaster gets damaged]\nCartman: It's all falling apart! Weak!\nScene Description: Cartman's room. Heidi notices Cartman is worried.\nHeidi: What is it, Eric? What's wrong?\nCartman: I-I, I don't know.\nHeidi: Come on. We don't keep secrets, remember?\nCartman: It's just hard.\nHeidi: You said you wanted to be perfectly honest with me, always.\nCartman: And I do. [breathes heavily] This one time, [wipes his nose] I think it was over the summer I went to see the new Ghostbusters movie.\nHeidi: Yeah.\nCartman: And, and during the movie I was like \"Wait, where is my phone?\" and I couldn't find it; and then Jimmy said \"Ha ha ha, screw you, Cartman,\" and he was holding my phone and he ran off with it and said, \"I gonna send a bunch of texts and emails from your phone so that everyone thinks it's from you,\"; and I was like \"No, that's not cool!\" and he said \"Yeah,\" and he said a bunch of mean stuff before I went to go get him and I took my phone back; and I'm just worried th-that people look at my Internet history, they're gonna think all that stuff came from me!\nHeidi: Well I'm glad you told me, 'cause now I know.\nCartman: So you totally believe me?\nHeidi: Of course. [Cartman and her touch hands] You've never given me a reason not to believe you, babe.\nCartman (fantasy): [sees Mars restored] Kewl! [leaps]\nHeidi: You have no reason to worry. People will know it wasn't you. With emoji analysis, everyone will be able to tell exactly where any comments came from.\nCartman (fantasy): [holds onto a rock, noticing a severe dust storm] Ugh! No, [lets go of the rock] nooo!\nScene Description: A campaign. Mr. Garrison gives a speech.\nGarrison: My fellow Americans, we live in an un-presented time of uncertainty. I want to speak to you human-to-human because with God's grace, this will be the last time you ever hear from me. When I started this campaign I was saying a lot of shit because I was angry, [Gerald is seen in a bar, worried] and then I turned that anger into pushing buttons by more and more outrageous. Slowly, people started paying attention to me and I guess it made me feel powerful. Well now the chickens have come home to roost. [Kyle, Ike, and Sheila are seen having dinner in their home] Sooner or later, we all get exposed. [Gerald sees his family having dinner] We're all held accountable for what we say, what we do. [Garrison is seen again] There is only one thing that matters now. On November eighth, you must vote against me, and show the world that you didn't think the new Star Wars was all that good. When you're in that voting booth, remember that every vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote that shows the world we agree that The Force Awakens was more like a happy day reunion's special than a movie. The choice is yours, America. Please make the right one.\nScene Description: Clinton's office. Two FBI agents enter.\nFBI agent 1: The Danish claim they will soon have the ablity to publish anyone's Internet history. We have to act fast, Mrs. Sandwich.\nClinton: I'll have you treat me with more respect. Haven't you seen the polls? It's president elects Sandwich.\nFBI agent 1: We may not want to get too far ahead ourselves. [takes out a file of Skankhunt42 from envelope] TrollTrace must be stopped. [gives file to Clinton]\nClinton: Who is Skankhunt42?\nFBI agent 1: We believe he's the only one who can save you now.\nScene Description: A restaurant. The memberberries are together.\nMemberberry 1: Here we are. We made it.\nTubbs: We did?\nMemberberry 2: Yeah, we have to go with Plan B, 'member?\nMemberberry 3: Ooh, I 'member.\nMemberberry 4: [talks to Hostage Berry] Sorry asshole, end of the line for you.\nMickey: That's okay, I 'member. [gets pushed into a drink]\nWaiter: [grabs the drink and brings it to a table] Here you are, ma'am, gin and tonic.\nCaitlyn: [grabs drink] Thanks.\nWaiter: Should be an interesting election this year, huh?\nCaitlyn: [takes a sip] Buckle up, buckaroos."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Community Center, night. The 2016 Presidential Election Night Viewing Party is over. Hillary's campaign poster is seen on an exterior wall. One man is passed out on the lawn off to the right with a bottle of beer nearby, another man throws up after walking out the doors. Most everyone there is either tired or disappointed. Inside, there are a few more people watching the results\nBill Keegan: And uh, definitely a bit of a surprise here. Looks like America has voted for a change of pace. The world is in a bit of a shock, uh... Is this? We're, we're for sure this is for real, right?\nRandy: What have you done?! You maniacs! [a man seated near the entrance pulls a gun out his back pocket and shoots himself in the head, falling off the chair.]\nBill Keegan: We uh... I guess we're going live to the acceptance speech now? Uhh okay, here we go.\nPresident Elect Douche: [with Caitlyn beside him] The people have spoken. Just as J.J. Abrams did with Star Wars, I will make this country great again.\nRandy: This isn't how it was supposed to happen.\nPresident Elect Douche: All my efforts this past week have paid off. And now, let's begin... fucking them all to death!\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. Cartman is at his front door knocking. Butters answers it\nCartman: Hey hey Butters, can I talk to you?\nButters: What do you want?!\nCartman: [walks in] Do you remember an e-mail I sent to you a few months ago, after I saw the new Ghostbusters movie? In which I might have said something to the effect of it totally sucking balls because women aren't funny?\nButters: Well I don't know, Eric.\nCartman: I just need to see exactly what I e-mailed you, Butters. And then I need you to e-mail me saying what an awesome prank that was e-mailing you \"Ghostbusters sucked balls\" when actually I told you it was really funny several times in person.\nButters: NO! I'm not doing anything for you! You're a traitor!\nCartman: A traitor?\nButters: Yeah! Boys and girls were at war, but you go and kiss your little girlfriend's ass! Whatever happened to sticking with your kind?!\nCartman: Sticking with my kind? You guys broke all my stuff!\nButters: Because girls drove us to break all your stuff, dumbass! If anyone should be pissed at chicks, it should be you! But no, you got your bitchy little girlfriend pullin' your strings now!\nCartman: Please do not call her that, Butters. I really like her.\nButters: Oh God, listen to you! [mimics his last sentence] \"Please don't call her that I really like her.\" You've changed, Eric! You've really changed! Now get the fuck out of my house! [Cartman is taken back, but closes his mouth and walks out the door. Butters slams it closed behind him]\nScene Description: Channel 9 News. A reporter stands near some scaffolding around a newly-walled city\nTom: A historic election, and all the votes are in. Except of course in the city of Fort Collins, Colorado. It's been several days now since Fort Collins was hacked. Everyone's e-mails and Internet history became accessible to the public after being targeted by the Danish Trolltrace program. According to our eye in the sky, their votes will not be tallied anytime soon.\nEye in the sky: It's complete bedlam inside the city limits, Chris. [traffic accidents at every intersection, a broken fire hydrant spewing a geyser of water, three giraffes running through the streets...] Since the city was hacked there have been murder, suicide, and complete lack of civility. We also understand that nearly everyone within Fort Collins who was married is now divorced. Back to you, Tom.\nTom: This barricade behind me was put up not only to make sure nobody goes into Fort Collins, but also to make sure nobody gets out, since there's no telling whose Internet histories they've seen\nDangling Man: [at the top of the barricade] Please! [Tom glances at him and the camera zooms in] My wife is so pissed at me! [a bullet strikes him from the air and he falls to his death several stories down.] Guh!\nTom: [faces the camera] The defiant Danish company is still declaring Trolltrace a success, and claims that it will be available worldwide at any moment.\nScene Description: South Park, night. A helicopter flies over the kids' neighborhood and a camera on the chopper scans the area. A night sun comes on and focuses on a house. It's Gerald's house - he looks out a living room window and panics\nGerald: Oh God... [he looks up at the sky and sees the helicopter] Oh God! [he goes outside for a better look. Two government vehicles pull up right away and agents pour out of them]\nLead agent: We have him. The subject is home. [Gerald looks around, then runs inside and closes the door]\nScene Description: Inside the Broflovski house. Gerald runs past the stairs as Kyle and Ike come down to see what's going on.\nKyle: Dad, what the?\nIke: What's goin' on, Dad? [Sheila comes out of the kitchen]\nGerald: [runs up to her] They're coming for me, Sheila! They know everything!\nSheila: About what??\nGerald: Everything I did online! It's over!\nLead agent: Sir, if you'll come with us?\nAgent 2: We need to speak with you?\nSheila: [shields him] You people really have nothing better to do?! What he did online is his business! Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that likes being peed on and I sucked him into it. Did you know that urine is 100% sterile?! How dare you burst into our home! [a shot of Ike and Kyle looking confused]\nGerald: Sheila!\nSheila: Urologia has been around since the time of the Greeks!\nAgent 2: Sir. Please come with us now. [Gerald walks towards them]\nSheila: Gerald, you don't have to listen to them.\nGerald: I'm sorry, Sheila. Please know that I love you so much. Goodbye Kyle, Ike. [all three look on helplessly]\nScene Description: Neighborhood park, night, the bench. Heidi and Cartman are there again. They're wearing Beauty and Beast shirts, respectively. Cartman looks helpless\nHeidi: I can't believe it, babe. I really didn't think things would end up like this.\nCartman: Yeah. Neither did I.\nHeidi: I just... feel so disconnected from the world, you know? I really thought this was gonna be the moment that proved girls could do anything, like you always say.\nCartman: You can't stop believing that. Now more than ever you have to stay strong.\nHeidi: I'm just glad I have you. At least I know you believe girls are smart.\nCartman: You are smart, Heidi.\nHeidi: And funny too, right? You're always saying how people need to get over that girls are funny.\nCartman: [getting emotional] You're funny. Oh my God, when Amy Schumer talks about her vagina I seriously lose my shit.\nHeidi: Hey, are you okay? This election really got to you too, huh?\nCartman: Yes, Heidi. For the first time I'm really scared for the future.\nHeidi: Me too, babe. [scoots in and rests her head on his shoulder] Me too.\nScene Description: Freemont Bridge, night. One of the government vehicles stops at one end of it and the agents take Gerald out of it.\nGerald: Where are you taking me? [the agents take him down the riverbank to the riverbed] Wait! Please, there's been a mistake! Someone set me up! I'm not Skankhunt42! [the agents take him to a shadowy figure under the bridge] Dildo?\nHillary Clinton: [comes out of the shadows] Hello. Mr. Cunt.\nGerald: Turd Sandwich... I don't understand.\nHillary Clinton: Things... have not turned out the way they were supposed to. This election was stolen. And while this government is still in power, we have to prove it. We've come to ask for your help.\nGerald: My help?\nHillary Clinton: Leave us. [the agents leave and head up the riverbank] As I understand, there's quite a lot you've done online you don't wanna have come out. But I also understand you weren't trying to get a woman to kill herself. You were just being funny.\nGerald: Exactly!\nHillary Clinton: The Trolltrace program is the most sophisticated of its kind. The government has only a few short weeks to try and use that technology to stop the President-elect from taking office.\nGerald: What do you want me to do?\nHillary Clinton: You've proven one thing: that you have the ability to pretend to be someone you're not. We wanna send someone into Denmark undercover and steal their technology.\nGerald: You mean like... like James Bond? [looking hopeful]\nHillary Clinton: Totally like James Bond. You and I need each other, Skank. What do you say?\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Randy knocks on the front door repeatedly\nRandy: Garrison! Garrison, what the fuck have you done?! [Caitlyn answers the door] Where is he?!\nCaitlyn: He's resting. He's had a busy week.\nRandy: [goes inside] Yeah I'll say he has! [sees him on the sofa and walks up to him] Do you have any idea what you've done to our country?!\nGarrison: Yeah. Fuck them all.\nRandy: You admitted you didn't know how to run a country! You agree people were supporting you just because they like the new Star Wars, and you begged me to help you lose!\nGarrison: I changed my mind. The new Star Wars was actually really good.\nRandy: No it wasn't!! Something else has to have happened!!\nCaitlyn: Maybe some people enjoy nostalgia and going back to what feels comfortable.\nRandy: There's nothing great about rehashing all the old Star Wars moments into a new- [Caitlyn vomits out a gusher of member berry juice.] Ah! Aaah! Aaaaaah! [bits of member berries are on Randy's face] Aaah. [member berry voices are heard] I, I suppose... I suppose I can watch it one more time. Give it another chance.\nScene Description: Turd Sandwich's office\nAgent 2: [hands him a dossier] You're flying to Denmark under the guise of being a foreign ambassador. The Danish think you want to help them. Here's your fake passport and here are your nifty camera glasses. [the lead agent hands those over to Gerald]\nGerald: Wow...\nAgent 3: Once inside the Trolltrace building, you will plant this. [the fourth agent walks forward with a briefcase] Looks like an ordinary briefcase, but at exactly 9:30 Danish standard time. the case will open, detonating an EMP device that will take out their entire facility.\nAgent 2: It'll fry all their equipment, servers, and backup computers. After it detonates we'll be on the roof to pick you up.\nGerald: [smiles] And then everything can go back to normal.\nLead agent: One last thing: to pass yourself off as the ambassador, you have to pretend to be from the Turkish Islands. Are you any good at... changing your voice?\nGerald: That depends. Are you asking me? Or are you asking... [does his first impersonation] me, Andy the drunk sheriff? *hic* [next impersonation] Or me, the old Irish dart player? [third impersonation - Peter Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fourth impersonation - Stewie Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fifth impersonation - Chris Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [The lead agent and agent 2 give him thumbs up]\nScene Description: Ike's room, day. Ike is playing Minecraft when he gets a FaceTime call - it's his father.\nGerald: Hi Ike, it's Daddy. Everything OK there? [Ike look around] Listen, buddy, you remember how we talked about trolling and just between us guys we agreed it was pretty funny? [Kyle walks by Ike's room, hears Gerald's voice and stops to look inside] Well it turns out that even the-\nKyle: Dad! [runs into Ike's room] Where are you?\nGerald: Oh, hey Kyle.\nKyle: Dad, what's going on? Mom is freaking out.\nGerald: Tell your mom everything's fine, okay? I'm helping out the government. It's top-secret stuff, but everything's finally gonna be okay.\nKyle: No, Dad, I need you back home. Please, I-I'm so confused right now.\nGerald: Kyle, you've gotta lighten the fuck up, buddy. Every day with you it's \"Dad, I feel guilty about this. Dad, I'm so confused about that.\" You're a kid. You're supposed to just laugh and make fun of shit. [smiles] Stop being such a pussy, okay pal? Fuck. [hangs up, leaving Kyle a bit stunned]\nIke: Daddy called you a pussy.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal stands before a big screen with speakers on either side\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I know that many of us were shocked to the core with last night's election. But we cannot allow our school to be any further divided. It is time to try and start the healing process, and so here, to try and help us heal, is Bill Clinton. [claps. He's the only one to do so. Bill Clinton steps out from behind the screen]\nBill Clinton: Hi kids. I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the first gentleman in America. Thank you. Even though we might have lost the election, it doesn't mean that my work to be a gentleman is goin' to stop. I'm gonna ask all you boys to agree to join Bill Clinton's Gentleman Club. [its logo shows up on screen] But I can't do it alone. Sometimes, I wish there were two of me. Oh wait, there are. Oh Bill!\nBill Cosby: Yes, Bill?\nBill Clinton: Come on out here.\nBill Cosby: Hello, boys and girls.\nBill Clinton: I'm Bill\nBill Cosby: And I'm Bill\nBill & Bill: And together we're Bill and Bill Two birds of a feather comin' to your school Gonna show you all about what gentlemen do. When you're not quite sure how you feel Ask Bill and Bill.\nBill Clinton: Say, Bill?\nBill Cosby: Yes, Bill?\nBill Clinton: Would you like to join my gentlemen's club?\nBill Cosby: You know I would, Bill.\nScene Description: Heidi's room, day. She's writing some stuff down when Cartman enters her room.\nCartman: Heidi? Heidi!\nHeidi: Hey babe. What's the matter?\nCartman: Sorry, I have to talk to you. It's really important.\nHeidi: Okay.\nCartman: Heidi, we... have to get to Mars.\nHeidi: I know, babe. You've talked about how humankind needs to get to Mars for a few weeks now.\nCartman: No, Heidi, we have to get to Mars like, now. [walks around a bit] I've seen what's gonna happen when Trolltrace goes online. I think... a lot of people have said and done things online that will make a lot of other people angry and, it's going to be very bad. Humankind is going to destroy itself and its only hope are the people who go to Mars, where there's no wifi. So nobody can see what anybody said or did on the Internet, ever.\nHeidi: Babe, there's no way to get to Mars right now.\nCartman: Yes. [walks up to hold her hand] Heidi, I think there is. But you have to totally trust me, and know that I'm doing this to save... us.\nHeidi: I trust you with everything I have.\nCartman: That's kewl.\nScene Description: Copenhagen, day. \"Tjing Tjang Tjing\" plays. The arrivals area is shown, and Gerald descends on an escalator. The music switches to an action-paced score.\nTicket agent: Your name, please?\nGerald: Miller. Von Miller. [adjusts his cuff links] I'm the ambassador of technology from the Turkish Islands.\nTicket agent: Oh yes of course, Ambassador Miller. You're here to support our country's-a Trolltrace program, yes?\nGerald: That's right.\nTicket agent: Your escort is-a right over there. [points to her left. Dane 5 waits at the exit holding a welcome sign up: \"AMBASSADOR VON MILLER\"]\nScene Description: A Trolltrace vehicle. Dane 2 is driving, Dane 5 is in the passenger seat, and Gerald is in the back seat.\nGerald: Nice little country you have here. Really clean.\nDane 5: Yes, ambassador. Denmark is ranked the nicest place to live in all the world almost every year. [the car stops at the Trolltrace entrance and the occupants step out] This is it, ambassador. All of Trolltrace is housed in this building.\nGerald: Mhm. [takes a picture. They go inside and Gerald looks around the lobby] Wow, this is really impressive. [takes a few more pictures]\nLennart Bedrager: [appears] Thank you for coming. [Gerald turns around] Welcome to Trolltrace. I cannot tell you how much I've been looking forward to your visit, [somewhat ominously] Ambassador Von Miller. We have so much to talk about. Won't you join me upstairs for frikadellers and leverpostejs?\nScene Description: A table at a restaurant. Stan is in a chair.\nStan: I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I know that the election didn't go the way you'd hoped. What I want to say is, I'm sorry. [Wendy is shown facing him across the table] I know that girls have gone through a lot lately, and I just want you to know that... I'm here for you.\nBill Clinton: Okay, okay, that's good, but now, make sure she knows how you're gonna change.\nStan: I am gonna change. I, I am.\nBill Clinton: Whether she takes you back or not.\nStan: Yeah well, but I, but I want her to take me back.\nBill Cosby: [pops into view as he leans back on his chair] Yeah, but if you're just changin' to get her back, then you're bein' selfish again.\nStan: Okay, look. The bottom line is, you still have to have faith... in boys, because... because I miss you, Wendy. [some knocking nearby. Stan and Wendy look in the direction of the knocking]\nButters: Traitor! [Stan, Wendy, and Bill Clinton see him outside with four other boys - Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Francis] Fuck you, Stan! You're a traitor! [drops his pants to show his wiener and puts his fist high up in the air]\nStan: Go away Butters! [Cosby leans back to see what's going on]\nBill Clinton: Who's that?\nButters: How dare you be ashamed of who you are?! [steps forward and presses his wiener onto the window]\nBill Cosby: Oh, he's pressin' pickle!\nScene Description: Trolltrace building, boardroom. Gerald and Lennart enjoy a meal, surrounded by servers outside the room.\nLennart: Enjoying the frikadellers?\nGerald: Oh. Yes, they're nice.\nLennart: And the leverpostejs are seasoned to your liking?\nGerald: Ah, I wouldn't know. Ha, haha.\nLennart: You keep-a checking your watch, Ambassador Von Miller. Are you late for something?\nGerald: No, no I, I-I'm just anxious to get a look at your servers. They must be quite impressive.\nLennart: Yes. Well a database that can identify everybody's Internet activity is-a very complex. I'm so pleased you want to help us rid the world of-a trolls. Do you happen to recognize... [clicks on a remote controller and a black and white picture of Freja Ollegard appears onscreen] this woman?\nGerald: Ahhh... no.\nLennart: Her name was-a Freja Ollegard. She was Denmark's-a national treasure. [pours himself some Gold Top wine] She had an amazing breast-cancer awareness website, and some... troll... decided to Photoshop-a wieners in her mouth. [Gerald stifles a laugh by putting a napkin over his mouth]\nGerald: Oh, wow. That's terrible.\nLennart: Her final straw was when she was trolled on a live TV show. [pours some more wine into a second glass] When the troll posted comments about-a breast cancer with-a fake doctors' names. Would you like to know what the doctors' names were? The first one was a Dr. Boobsoff. Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff. [Gerald stifles a second laugh] Then I believe there was a Dr. Juerdior Titsgo. [Gerald stifles a third laugh] But probably most insensitive of all was when the troll said he was Dr. Ipples. Dr. Now I'm Only-n Ipples. [Gerald stifles a fourth laugh, but it's getting harder and harder to do so. Lennart notices and gets in his face] Are you alright, Von Miller?!\nGerald: I'm fine. I... I think the frikadellers gave me a little heartburn. Ah, if you wouldn't mind, could I see the servers now?\nLennart: It would be my pleasure.\nScene Description: The Stotch house, night. The doorbell rings and Stephen answers it.\nBill Clinton: Hello, I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the First Gentleman in America.\nStephen: Oh my gosh! Honey, it's the nearly-Gentleman!\nBill Clinton: May I come into your lovely home?\nStephen: Well of course, that's very gentlemanly of you. [Clinton enters]\nLinda: Oh my goodness, it's him. Hello, sir.\nBill Clinton: Hello, ma'am. I wasn't expecting someone so stunning. [takes her right hand and kisses it] I'm so sorry for the intrusion, but I was wondering if I could speak with your son.\nStephen: Oh. Well, I'm afraid Butters is grounded for pressing pickle at the nail salon again.\nLinda: Stephen, this is a guest, a gentleman.\nStephen: Uh but, but of course we'll make an exception. [takes Clinton upstairs and to Butters' door] Butters has been grounded quite a lot lately. Don't know what's gotten into him. [unlocks the seven locks and latches used to keep Butters in his room]\nBill Clinton: Well, maybe I can help.\nStephen: That'd be great. No matter how hard we ground him, he remains defiant. [finally opens the bedroom door. Butters is standing on his bed looking out the window, with his wiener out] Butters, stop smooshing snake! The gentleman is here to speak with you.\nButters: [over his shoulder] What?\nBill Clinton: Hello, young man. Come on, sit down. Let's talk.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating dinner, but Stan is missing and Randy is still under the influence of member berry juice.\nRandy: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I sure am excited. America is going to be great again. Aren't you excited, gang?\nShelly: No I'm not excited! It sucks, Dad! This country is gonna suck for four years!\nRandy: Aww, come on, Shelly. We've learned that women can be anything. Except for President.\nSharon: Randy! You just spent the last month convincing me that the only reason people wanted to go back was because of a childish nostalgia they all had for the new Star Wars!\nRandy: Have you really watched it, Sharon? It has more to offer than just nostalgia. Let's all watch it again tonight.\nSharon: What?! I don't wanna watch Star Wars any more than I- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her]\nShelly: Dad, what the hell is wrong with y- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her]\nScene Description: Trolltrace headquarters, day. Lennart Bedrager opens the server vault.\nLennart: Please, ambassador, explore the servers at your leisure. Let us know if you have any questions.\nGerald: Thank you. [the Danes leave, and Gerald goes into spy mode, entering the vault and locking it. He takes pictures every few steps and passes by Dick unaware]\nDick: You can stop being an idiot now.\nGerald: [notices him] What the-? Dildo?\nDick: Skankhunt.\nGerald: What the fuck are you doing here?\nDick: I was sent here by the government to do international espionage like James Bond.\nGerald: Nononononono, that's what I'm doing. Hillary Clinton says I was the only one capable of-\nDick: Of being smart and funny enough to pull it off. Yeah, that's what she told all of us.\nGerald: All of us? Who? [Dick looks to his left and Gerald follows his gaze. The other trolls in their group are there with their own briefcases]\nAnonymous 821: Hey Skankhunt.\nGerald: What the hell is going on?\nDick: Don't you get it? The government made some kind of deal with the Danish. They handed us over so they wouldn't go forward with their Trolltrace program. They wanted the troll who killed Freja Ollegard and his associates. We got sold out because of you!\nGerald: No! [runs to the vault door] No, you've got to let me out of here! I'm not one of them! [pounds on the door in vain. The briefcases begin to beep]\nAnonymous 821: [notices] Hey look, it's 9:30. The briefcases are about to go off. [When the briefcases pop open, they prepare to die, but they get rickrolled instead.]\nScene Description: Butters' room, night. Bill Clinton is still talking to Butters, who's still mad. They sit side by side on Butters' bed.\nBill Clinton: What do you think you're gonna achieve, young man? Do you really think all this pickle-pressing is gonna get you anywhere?\nButters: Well, I'm just angry, Mr. Gentleman. I'm tired of girls saying boys need to change. Somebody has to stand up for our rights!\nBill Clinton: What happened, son? Did a girl break your heart?\nButters: [suddenly tears up] No.\nBill Clinton: I know. I know how hard they can be. But... somethin's about to happen that you aren't aware of. [stands up and walks off a bit] You see, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And trust me, my wife is a crazy bitch. She and all the other women in the world are about to get payback. And we are all completely fucked. It's my fault, really. I've done things my whole life that gradually broke her spirit. And now that she's lost everything, let me assure you: she is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. [walks back to the bed and sits down] Now, our only chance is to keep our heads low and act like we're changed men. Because, we're very close to the end.\nButters: The end? Of what?\nBill Clinton: Women are sick of our shit, son. And soon, they're gonna know everything we've said and done online. And unless we start kissin' their asses, we're all gonna be put in a big chamber underground and milked for our semen.\nScene Description: A hill in Hawthorne, California. Cartman and Heidi make their way to its crest.\nHeidi: Eric, we're so far from home.\nCartman: We aren't gonna see home again, babe. We're gonna make it. There's no turning back.\nHeidi: You really think there's hope?\nCartman: Yes. I do. [before them is SpaceX]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty. A government agent speaks with Bannon.\nGovernment agent: The political world is watching, Bannon. [gives Bannon a file] We need to make sure the president elect has a smooth transition.\nBannon: All indications are that his transition [flips a page] is going to be fine.\nSurgeon: [walks by] We're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. You can see him now if you like.\nCaitlyn: I'll go.\nScene Description: Caitlyn walks into a technologically advanced room where Garrison is seen having a blond, push-back wig put on his head by a mechanical arm.\nGarrison: [talks with Caitlyn] Well, do I look presidential?\nCaitlyn: Honestly, you look twenty years younger.\nGarrison: They really worked on my stank face. Look! Whenever I don't know what people are talking about, I just do this, [lowers his body] like look. [shows his stank face] I can do this. [shows his stank face again] This is, this is my stank face. [shows a different stank face] It's like, I'm not listening to you, see? [shows his other stank face] They did a really good job on my stank lips.\nCaitlyn: It's an amazing transition.\nGarrison: Now I feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters... [sits up straight] in just a minute, I'm gonna do the UV rays a bit longer.\nScene Description: [the machine closes enseals Garrison]\nScene Description: SpaceX. Cartman and Heidi walk to the desk.\nSecretary: Can I help you?\nCartman: Hello. I understand that you're trying to get to Mars. This is my girlfriend, Heidi. She's really smart and really funny.\nSecretary: ...Okay.\nCartman: We've given up social media and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the internet as possible. Is it true Mars would have really shitty Wi-Fi?\nSecretary: ...That'd be an understatement, yes.\nCartman: Well, we'd like to go. We can't tolerate this world anymore and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to Mars as soon as possible please.\nSecretary: Uh-huh. Take a number and join the others.\nCartman: What others?\nScene Description: [Cartman, Heidi, and the secretary turn their heads see a bunch of other people waiting, including Cher singing]\nCher: [garbled and auto-tuned] If I could turn back time...\nCartman: What the fuck, dude?!\nSecretary: Lot of people want to leave the planet right now.\nCartman: Ah god dammit, is that Cher?!\nCher: [garbled and auto-tuned] Do you believe in leaving the world, oh...\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office.\nPC Principal: God [knocks down papers] dammit! [knocks down lamp] How the fuck did this happen?!\nMackey: [knocks the door and opens it] Uh, sorry PC Principal, but someone wants to speak with you.\nPC Principal: I told you to leave me alone, Mackey! [slams fist on the desk] I'm not in the mood!\nMackey: But, but sir, the president elect is here. [moves away from Garrison]\nGarrison: [enters the office with two Secret Service agents following him] So sorry for the intrusion. You're not too busy, I hope.\nPC Principal: Uh, not at all. Please uh, have a seat, Mr. Garrison.\nGarrison: Excuse me?\nPC Principal: Uh, please have a seat, Mr... President.\nGarrison: That's better, bitch. [sits down and takes out a piece of gum]\nPC Principal: Certainly want to uh, congratulate you on the election.\nGarrison: Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal?\nPC Principal: I know we've had some differences, uh...\nGarrison: I was upset because a bunch of immigrants were changing my class and I believe your response was that I needed to go and \"learn their language\", \"be more open-minded\".\nPC Principal: I'm sorry that your position here at the school was terminated.\nGarrison: Are you really? [makes stank face] Are you really sorry? [makes different stank face] Because you see PC Principal, you helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot, that I was an intolerant relic left over from another time. But now, I'm your president. And if there's one thing I've learned about becoming president, it's that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis is drying out from working so hard to get elected there's only one thing that can fix it, isn't there? Saliva, from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem, PC Principal, so that we can be even-stevens. What do you say, bud?\nPC Principal: [is in complete shock]\nScene Description: Outside of unknown club. Two people got out of the club. The berries head to a tiny door.\nUnknown berries: Oh, 'member when it fell in her drink. Yeah, I 'member.\nMemberberry 1: 'Member when Han shot Greedo?\nMemberberry 2: Sure, I 'member Greedo.\nTubbs: Ha, I 'member Greedo.\nMemberberry 3: 'Member?\nMemberberry 1: [knocks at the small door]\nGuard Berry: [opens small window] What's the password, 'member?\nMemberberry 3: Yeah, I 'member.\nMemberberry 1: You 'member?\nGuard Berry: I 'member. [opens the door, lets the berries in, and then closes the door immediately]\nScene Description: Inside a Memberberry bar. Random berries keep on saying \"'Member\".\nMemberberry 1: Ha ha, 'member this place? [hops away]\nMemberberry 2: Sure, I 'member. [rolls away]\nMemberberry 4: [hops away] 'Member the Tantive IV?\nMemberberry 1: Oh, I love that ship. [stops moving]\nMemberberry 3: [goes with the other berries and talks to an old berry] Hi, it's us, 'member?!\nDon: Ah sure, I 'member.\nMemberberry 4: We did the thing with throwing Mickey in the drink, 'member?!\nDon: Ah sure, I 'member; just 'cause of youse, we won the election.\nTubbs: Yeah yeah, 'member?\nDon: Waiter, round of drinks for our heroes here, 'member?\nWaiter Berry: I 'member.\nDon: You done good poisoning the lady's drink. Now our man is in office, 'member? But I still have things I need you to do.\nTubbs: Hehe, hehe, I 'member.\nScene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters: vault. Gerald repeatedly knocks on the exit door with all his might.\nGerald: Please, you have to let me outta here!\nDick: Skankhunt, stop!\nBedrager: [talks from above] Yes, please. You're making a very jackass of-a yourself.\nGerald: [walks to see Bedrager's face]\nBedrager: Well well, what do we have here? Looks like your little troll-party.\nTroll 4: You Danish pricks, you tricked us!\nBedrager: We didn't trick you, your own government did. They thought if they handed you over to us we would agree not to go forward with the TrollTrace program.\nGerald: You can't hold people prisoner! I haven't done anything! People are gonna be looking for me!\nBedrager: [takes out his phone] By all means, [tosses the phone to Gerald] contact whoever you want. Of course, you'll have to tell them why you're here.\nDick: What are you gonna do with us?\nBedrager: We're going to use you to set the world on fire. When the servers go online, there will be chaos, panic, and war. And from the ashes, a new world will rise: a world where everyone is happy, and singing, and has no secrets, [yells] like Denmark! [punches a railing]\nDick: You think you can turn countries in the world against each other? Our president will never let that happen.\nScene Description: Unknown supermarket. Garrison and Secret Service agents enter the store.\nGarrison: Hey everybody! [walks to a checkout line, takes a mic, and hums \"Hail To The Chief\"] Guess who's here? It's the President of the United Fucking States. [mic drop, then walks around the store] Oh, it's been a while since I've heard from you guys. Hi, Janice. [takes a small bottle of water from her shopping basket and opens it, tossing the cap away] Hello, Stephen.\nStephen: [looks away] Mr. President.\nGarrison: [walks around the store some more] I was just, you know, passing through the old neighborhood [checks out a tomato paste can from another shopper] thinking about what laws I might get rid of, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my penis got really dry. You know if they have anything at this store for a dry dick? Huh? No? You guys can't think of anything? Oh, I know. What about [points to] Eduardo Hernandez? I believe it was Eduardo who told me I couldn't double-bag my groceries, even though he's from fucking Guatemala. Well, what do you think now, Eduardo? You wanna double-bag somethin' else? [his phone rings, and he pulls out out of his back pocket to answer it] This is the President.\nFirst general: Sir, we need you at the Pentagon. It's a matter of national security.\nGarrison: Oh, really? I'm kinda busy right now, jeez.\nFirst general: Sir, the Danish have released a statement. I'm afraid... we may be going to war.\nGarrison: War?\nScene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing a first-person shooter game when a Skype call comes in.\nGerald: Ike?! Ike, buddy, can you hear me?! I need you to do something, okay? Daddy needs your help! I need you to go to your browser and sign on to the school message board, okay? Can you do that for me? The school message board and then log in. Lowercase S, skank-hunt-4-2. You got it?\nScene Description: The other trolls witness Gerald's actions.\nDick: Wow.\nAnonymous821: Wow, what?\nDick: He's gonna have his son sign in and troll for him.\nGerald: [covers his phone and faces the other trolls] If Skankhunt is still out there trolling, then they have the wrong guy! Get it?! It's called \"using your brain\", fatso!\nAnonymous821: So they'll blame your kid?\nGerald: Nobody cares if a kid trolls! What are they gonna do, get a slap on the wrist?\nDick: [stands up] Didn't you hear what that guy said? They're gonna set countries against each other! We have way bigger problems!\nGerald: You don't know my fucking wife! [faces the phone] Ike, you got it? Great, pal! Okay, now I need you to go to the comment section, okay, and type in \"You should all get raped by gorillas\". You got that pal? Ike, \"You should all get raped by gorillas\"! Come on, we have a lot of work to do here!\nScene Description: SpaceX. Heidi and Cartman sit next to each other on separate chairs.\nCartman: Jesus, I didn't think getting to Mars would take this long.\nHeidi: You really think this is what we should do, babe? I gonna miss everyone.\nCartman: I know, but it'll be worth it, babe. We'll be left alone to make our new world better.\nButters: Hey, Eric! [seen right near Cartman]\nCartman: [speaks to Butters] What the hell are you doing here?\nButters: Well I want to get the fuck off this planet, but they told me I had to take a number.\nCartman: Oh no no no! You're a male chauvinist sexist pig, Butters. You don't get to go to Mars.\nButters: [shows complete fear] No, you don't understand. I've seen the light, I'm a changed man, I thought boys were being treated unfairly, but now I know... shit's about to get a lot worse.\nScene Description: Outside of the White House. Memberberries start incoherent 'membering.\nMemberberries: 'Member The Fugitive? '[Millions of Memberberries are 'membering.]' 'Member Aliens? '[They begin to jump the fence]' Here we are! Ah, yeah! I 'member. Come on, everybody, 'member? '[The large group of Memberberries continue 'membering.]' 'Member snow speeders? '[They approach the front door.]' Yeah, I 'member! 'Member not hearing? '[They breach the front door and pour into the main foyer.]' 'Member the invasion of Hoth? Haha! 'Member \"you rebel scum\"? I 'member! '[They fill the entire floor of the White House entrance.]' Oh, 'member the rebel transports? '[Thousands of Memberberries open the door to the Oval Office, and pour in.]'\nMemberberry 1: \"We did it!\" 'Member? '[Five Memberberries take their place on the president's desk.]'\nMemberberry 2: Sure, I 'member!\nMemberberry 3: What do we do now?\nMemberberry 4: Don't you 'member?\nTubbs: Ooh, I 'member.\nScene Description: Ike's room. Ike sets up the profile photo of Mrs. Herrera and a penis in a small Photoshop tab while Gerald is on Skype.\nGerald: Okay now make sure the little worm is in the woman's mouth, got it?\nIke: [puts penis in photoshopped mouth]\nGerald: Now I need you to type \"You're a fat retard\" in the comments.\nIke: [types in the comment section] \"You're a retard.\"\nGerald: No, you have to say \"a fat retard\", Ike! It's a nuance, but it's very important!\nIke: [types in the comment section] \"You are a fat retard.\"\nSheila: [sees what Ike is doing and is in shock] Ike! What are you doing?!\nIke: What he says.\nGerald: [exits Skype chat]\nSheila: [walks into Ike's room and gets a closer look] It was you, all this time! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?! How could my child be such a monster?! [answers the call on her phone] Yes yes, hello?!\nGerald: [talks on his phone to Sheila] Hey sweetheart, how's everything going?\nSheila: You have to come home from helping the government, Gerald! I just caught Ike trolling Mrs. Herrera!\nGerald: Are you serious?\nSheila: Yes! The school troll is our son, Gerald! You should see all the things he's posted on his computer!\nGerald: God dang it! Let me talk to him right now!\nShelia: [hands her phone to Ike]\nIke: Hello?\nGerald: Hey Ike, just stay calm and act like I'm yelling at you, okay pal? Okay, give it a few seconds, wait. Good. Okay, now-now say \"I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside\".\nIke: No!\nGerald: Ike, you have to listen to me. On your mother's life, this is a matter of national security! You have to say \"I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside\"!\nIke: [angrily] I'm sorry dad. I'm just fucked up inside.\nGerald: That was amazing, kiddo. It'll all be worth it, okay? I'll make this up to you. Give me back to your mom.\nSheila: [takes her phone back] Gerald?!\nGerald: He's full of shit, he's not sorry! If he felt sorry, he wouldn't be able to do it in the first place!\nSheila: I know!\nGerald: I'm gonna get home as soon as I can to deal with this, okay? We can deal with this together. Just don't say anything to anyone for now, all right?\nSheila: Okay. Okay yeah, I love you too. I know. Bye. [ends the call and talks to Ike] You just sit in here until we figure out what to do; and if you get back on that computer, you are done, you got it?! [leaves Ike's room]\nGerald: [starts a Skype call on Ike's computer] Ike! Okay there's just a few more things I need you to do. I need you to type \"How'd you like a donkey dick?\".\nScene Description: Pentagon. Garrison and four Secret Service agents walk to the general.\nFirst general: [salutes] Welcome to the Pentagon, sir. I've been ordered to show you around. [turns around] This way, please.\nGarrison: [follows the general] So I can do whatever the fuck I want in here now, right?\nFirst general: Yes, sir. Here are all [gives Garrison a folder of classified information] our military secrets and all classified information.\nGarrison: [takes folder] Okay, good.\nFirst general: [stops everyone by the Drone Program entrance] This is the Drone Program. In there you can kill anyone on Earth remotely. Here's the keys. [gives keys to Garrison]\nGarrison: Thanks!\nScene Description: [everyone continues walking]\nFirst general: In here is satellite surveillance where you can monitor anyone's conversation live.\nGarrison: Oh that will come in handy.\nFirst general: Extreme interrogation [stops everyone] room in case you find interrogation necessary.\nGarrison: Oh hell yeah, it's necessary. Let's do it.\nFirst general: [gives Garrison a briefcase] And here of course is the famous \"football\", where you could order a nuclear attack in four minutes. [walks away]\nGarrison: Love me some football. [follows the general]\nFirst general: [stops everyone by the Diplomatic Strategy entrance] And finally, in here, is the diplomatic strategy and negotiating room. [opens the doors, having everyone enter the room]\nScene Description: People in the room are noticing high alerts across the world.\nGarrison: Well, jeez, this doesn't look very fun.\nSecond general: Thank God you're here sir. We need your guidance.\nScene Description: SpaceX. Butters sits next to Cartman by his left side.\nButters: Loolooloo, I've got some apples. Loolooloo, you've got some too.\nCartman: Butter, Butters! You expect people to believe that you went from being the biggest asshole in the school to a softhearted feminist like me? Fat chance.\nButters: No no, believe me. I'm a changed man. Girls are really smart, and they'll be running the country soon, and they deserve total respect.\nCartman: Yeah? You just forgot one thing, that women are funny too. That didn't occur to you, did it, Butters?\nButters: Well I don't think there was ever any question women are funny. Remember that movie 9 to 5 with Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton?\nHeidi: Oh yeah, that movie was funny.\nButters: Well I laughed my butt off and it never even occurred to me that they were women. I don't know why things changed. I don't know why people make such a big deal about women and comedy now. I mean what about Carol Burnett? She was great.\nHeidi: Wow, I guess you're right.\nCartman: Yeah, I mean, when women make vagina jokes I think it's the funniest thing ever!\nButters: Yeah, well I swear I don't care how many times Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I laugh every time.\nCartman: [looks at Heidi, then at Butters, then in a low voice] Oh, I see what you're doing.\nHeidi: What, babe?\nCartman: Oh nothin', babe. I'm just... Do you think you could tell me some jokes?\nHeidi: [giggles] Why do you want me telling you jokes all the time?\nCartman: Because you're [glares at Butters] fucking hilarious.\nHeidi: Well, did I tell you the one about the skeleton and the skunk?\nButters: [laughs] That's already funny! [Cartman gets frustrated and makes a fist with his left hand]\nScene Description: The Pentagon\nSecond general: All around the world, countries are mobilizing armies and preparing defensive countermeasures.\nGarrison: Why? What the hell happened?\nFirst general: This is everything you need to know about the TROLL TRACE program.\nGarrison: What's TROLL TRACE?\nFirst general: A plan by the Danish to release the full internet histories of everyone on Earth.\nSecond general: The previous administration tried to work with the Danish by handing over several trolls, but the plan didn't work.\nFirst general: The entire world has become very uncertain and unstable.\nSecond general: We think we should order all navy vessels to the Bering Sea.\nGarrison: For what?\nFirst general: Because when the Chinese are able to see all our e-mails and online activity, we believe they will most likely attack us. Also, there are ground troops mobilizing in Paris because the French believe when we see all their e-mails, we will most likely attack them.\nThird general: Mr. President, sir! The Russians are asking what we intend to do about the Danish.\nGarrison: Well, why are you asking me?\nSecond general: Please, sir, we have very little time before this escalates beyond our control.\nScene Description: The Kremlin, Russia, day. What follows is what's on the video, although the language is said to be Russian.\nAide 1: Президент Путин, Датское утверждает, что они всё ещё готовы включить программу Troll Trase.\nPutin: Это всё, что я сказай, всё, что я сделай на Интернет будет доступно моей подруге?\nAide 1: Да, кажется так.\nPutin: Датское должно быть оставновлены! Мы нужно знать, как Соединённые Штаты стоят на этом! [behind him, the phone rings at his desk and a second aide pops in to answer it]\nAide 2: Э... Господин президент, Овальный кабинет. [Putin walks to the phone]\nPutin: Да, это президент Путин.\nMemberberry 3: 'Member the Death Star?\nMemberberry 1: Ahahaha, 'member cutting open tauntauns?\nMemberberry 4: Yeah, yeah, 'member the Force? [the berries chuckle]\nPutin: Что это такое?\nTubbs: Heheh, heheh, yeah, sure, I 'member.\nMemberberry 1: Member McGy-?\nTubbs: Sure, I 'member.\nMemberberry 3: 'Member?\nMemberberry 2: Heheh, hey hey hey, 'member the Cold War?\nMemberberry 1: Oh I loved the Cold War! That was fantastic!\nScene Description: SpaceX, day. Everyone is still waiting for the ride to Mars.\nTour assistant: Okay, Numbers 204 through 215, you can come on through.\nCartman: [leaves with Heidi] Oh, finally.\nButters: Hey, that's me too. Yippee!\nTour assistant: Right in here, everyone. [The group, which includes Cher, walks in, and the door slams shut behind them]\nElon Musk: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour. I'm Elon Musk. Are we gonna have some fun today?\nCartman: Oh great, a stupid tour guide. Can we just talk to someone important please? We want to go to Mars.\nElon Musk: And getting anywhere takes ingenuity. Oh, Mrs. Door? Would you mind... opening, please?\nPA door voice: [interactive doors] Yes, Elon. [the doors rattle, but don't open. Elon turns and opens them manually. A chime plays as the doors open, and Elon leads the group onto the factory floor]\nElon Musk: The only way for humankind to survive is with imagination and technology. Cars that run on electricity. Solar panels that replace roof shingles. Even food that changes form. You see this? It's a pizza, only four inches long. And yet, when heated, it expands to make enough pizza to feed a hundred people. I call it the pizza... pocket.\nCartman: [whispering to Heidi] They already have Pizza Pockets.\nElon Musk: Who would like to see the Hyperloop? A new mode of travel that can take you from here to Dubai in nine minutes.\nCartman: Excuse me, Mr. Musk, this is all super interesting and shit, but can we see the Mars rocket now?\nScene Description: Meanwhile, at the Pentagon...\nStaffer 1: Sir, India is moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf of Mexico.\nGarrison: Well why would we care about Mexicans?!\nStaffer 2: [in winter fatigues] Sir, a message from Saudi Arabia. They say they pinky-promise not to look up our Internet history if we pinky-promise not to look up theirs.\nGarrison: Well what does that even mean?!\nStaffer 3: [in winter fatigues] Still waiting on if we should send troops into Japan, sir.\nGarrison: I don't know, jeez!\nFirst general: Sir, it's the UK Secretary of Foreign Affairs calling from London. He says they have advice for you.\nGarrison: What?\nBoris Johnson: Yes, hello? Things aren't looking good here. We just want to say, whatever you do, don't eat the membberries.\nUK aide: [overhearing] Don't eat the membberries. They are bad.\nGarrison: Memberries?\nBoris Johnson: I'm afraid everyone here who ate the memberries wanted to go back in the past, you see. Hasn't worked out too well for us.\nUK aide: We shouldn't have ate the memberries!\nBoris Johnson: The memberries cloud your judgement. They get inside your head, you see.\nGarrison: Get inside your head... Wait a minute... Nobody gets in my head, you limey bitch! Are you insulting me?! Stop wasting my time! 'Cause I'll have you here on a plane in five hours suckin' my dick!! [slams the phone down on the receiver]\nUK aide: What'd he say?\nBoris Johnson: I believe they've eaten the memberries.\nUK aide: Ooh, dear!\nUK aide 2: Ooh, dear!\nScene Description: SpaceX tour, day. The tour is winding down.\nElon Musk: Here you see our Falcon 9 full-thrust rockets. They are actually able to take off into space and land safely back on Earth for reuse. [the group moves back to the lobby] Well, I certainly wanna thank you all for joining our tour today. You've been a wonderful group. Give yourselves a round of applause.\nGroups: Huh?\nCartman: Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what about going to Mars?\nElon Musk: Mars? We're still about ten years away from going to Mars. Maybe eight.\nGroups: Awwww.\nCartman: No, no nonono, we have to go now!\nElon Musk: Well I'm sorry, but it's a bit more complicated than a pizza pocket. Going to Mars is gonna take a lot of very smart people working very hard for a very long time. Now, if you don't mind, I have hundreds of more tours to do. [turns to exit the lobby]\nButters: Mr. Musk, wait! [Musk turns around] Maybe we can help you get to Mars sooner. I'm not sure if you know our friend, Heidi. She's really smart, and really funny. [Cartman flashes an angry face at Butters]\nElon Musk: Like... how funny?\nScene Description: The White House. Some member berries have formed a group and are performing \"Africa\". A vintage car horn is heard and the mob boss arrives with some henchmen. \"Sing Sing Sing\" blares from the radio.\nDon: Out of the way, 'member?\nBerry Henchmen: You'd better 'member if you know what's good for youse! [the car moves through the crowd, down the corridors and into the Oval Office]\nMemberberries: Hey look, it's them. 'Member? Sure, I 'member. [the mobster berries get out of the car]\nDon: Ey, youse did good. Who's in charge, 'member?\nMemberberry 3: We decided he's in charge.\nMemberberry 1: No, we said I'm in charge, 'member?\nMemberberry 4: No wait, I 'member. We all said he's in charge. [leans to the left]\nMemberberry 2: Oh yeah, I 'member.\nDon: Wrong. [shoots Member Berry 2 clear through. Member Berry 2 collapses and bleeds out green juice]\nMemberberry 3: Waaah!\nDon: 'Member stormtroopers?\nMemberberry 2: Sure, I 'member.\nDon: Not those stormtroopers! The real old ones. People wanna 'member? They're gonna 'member.\nScene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle comes home from school and is about to go upstairs when he sees Ike in a corner, in time out. Ike has his head against the wall.\nKyle: Ike? [Ike looks back at Kyle, then puts his head on the wall again] What are you doing?\nSheila: Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble!\nKyle: Well what'd he do?\nSheila: It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the internet troll who's caused all this pain in our community!\nKyle: What?\nSheila: It was him all along. Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn this ugliness came from our family. [walks back into the kitchen]\nKyle: You made people quit Twitter? You started a war between boys and girls? You...?\nScene Description: Kyle stops and thinks back to the clues he's heard in recent days.\nHeidi: I call it \"Emoji Analysis\". It isn't a student, it's an adult.\nSheila: This ugliness came from our family!\nHeidi: I think it's one of the parents.\nGerald: You're suppose to just laugh and make fun of shit.\nIke: Daddy called you a pussy.\nKyle: [stops thinking back] Oh my God. Oh my God! Ike, come on! [grabs Ike's hand and rushes out the front door with him. Sheila hears the front door open and looks around for her boys. She reaches the open front door]\nSheila: Kyle? Ike?! Whatwhatwhaaat?! [her voice echoes around the neighborhood]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: In front of Park County Police Station. A crowd gets riled up while Harrison starts a speech.\nHarrison: Everyone calm down, please. We have to have civil order. Listen to me.\nScene Description: [crowd stops chattering]\nUnknown person: Really?\nHarrison: Now I know everyone's scared, but we have to keep control. Yes all of our emails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge.\nScene Description: [crowd chatters]\nHarrison: [raises his arms] But, but,\nScene Description: [crowd stops]\nHarrison: we all need to understand that TrollTrace will never happen if people don't log on to use it. The website is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet. It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else [lays arms on stand] to add to that database. If we could all agree to resist the urge to look up other people's Internet histories, [looks at Maggie] Maggie, okay? As long as we all respect each other's privacy, darling, [looks straight ahead] then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins.\nStephen: And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it?! I know I'll certainly respect others' privacy, but about other people like [points at Laura] Laura Tucker the Blabbermouth?\nLaura: Excuse me?\nHarrison: And that's why we have to come together as a community, and resist any temptation to use TrollTrace, [looks at Maggie] Maggie. We have to stay in control. [looks in front of him] This hack of our city will never happen, so long as we rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people.\nScene Description: [crowd panics and runs away]\nHarrison: Guess I could've worded that differently.\nScene Description: Kyle's room. Kyle sits on bed with his head lowered while Sheila stands near the doorway.\nSheila: [yells] What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy me like that! Your brother was being punished for using the computer and you decide to just leave with him?\nKyle: I just felt bad for him, ma.\nSheila: You felt bad for him, after all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait until your father gets home. [leaves the room and closes the door]\nScene Description: Ike's room. Ike sits on his bed miserably. He suddenly gets a Skype call from Gerald. Ike goes to his computer and accepts the call.\nGerald: Ike, where the fuck have you been?! Daddy needs your help. You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? [paces] You know how bad your mom is, she completely overreacts to everything. That's where your brother gets it from. You don't want to be like Kyle, do you?\nKyle: [goes in front of the computer] Hi dad.\nGerald: [gets shocked] Hey, buddy! Everything good there?\nKyle: It was you, this whole time. You're the troll that caused all of this trouble.\nGerald: No, it was your brother. I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle. He needs counseling...\nKyle: Heidi Turner did an emoji analysis. It was an adult. It was you.\nGerald: [starts talking right before Kyle finished] Shh, shh. Shh, shh. Okay, keep your voice down.\nKyle: [talks softly] Why dad? Why did you do this?\nGerald: Because it's fucking funny, Kyle. It's called having a sense of humor, and laughing. You should fucking try it once in a while!\nKyle: Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?!\nGerald: Because it's so not funny, God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle. Listen to me, the Danish are fucking crazy. You have to get people to stop them.\nKyle: How?!\nGerald: Go get people riled up. Call the President. I don't know. When you push people's buttons, they go and push other people's buttons. Now get out there and... [ends call]\nSheila: [enters Ike's room and yells] Kyle, Ike! What the hell is this?! What did I say?! Get off of that computer riiight nooooow!\nIke: [puts his head down]\nScene Description: Outside of SpaceX. SpaceX is surrounded by a barb-wired gate in which a crowd of people get riled up behind it, with some trying to climb.\nSecretary: Uh everyone, please listen! We don't have any rockets going to Mars! Yo-you're not listening! We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet. We're working as hard as we can. There's a little girl working on the people right now and apparently she's incredibly smart and funny.\nScene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations.\nCartman: [walks to Heidi with mug] You got it figured out yet, babe?\nHeidi: [grabs mug] Babe, I have no idea what any of this means.\nCartman: Heidi, yes you do. You just have to get over yourself. Come on, say it. Say it.\nHeidi: Girls rule, women are funny, get over it.\nCartman: [does a one-sided hug on Heidi] Get over it, baby. Stop holding yourself back.\nHeidi: [sighs]\nElon Musk: Uh excuse me. Sorry, can we have a word please?\nCartman: [yells at Elon Musk] What the fuck do you want?! [talks to Heidi] Hang on, babe. [runs towards Elon Musk]\nElon Musk: This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out and we're rather busy.\nCartman: Just give her a chance. [turns around] She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth.\nElon Musk: I haven't really heard her say anything funny.\nCartman: Yeah, [points at his own head] that's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk. [lowers his arm] They won't let you get over yourself.\nButters: [sits on chair, watching the conversation] He-heyeah! Don't worry about Heidi, she's a hoot.\nCartman: [faces Butters with a mad face]\nScene Description: TrollTrace: vault. The vault door gets unlocked.\nDick: Here they come.\nScene Description: [Dane 2 opens the door as Bedrager, Dane 1, Dane 4, and him enter. The trolls stand up]\nGerald: Oh thank god. There's been a mistake, okay?! I'm not one of [points at the other trolls] them. My son is Skankhunt42. Go online and see, he's still doing it!\nDane 2: [points a gun at the trolls]\nBedrager: All of you, remove your clothes.\nAnonymous821: What are you gonna do with us?\nBedrager: Remove your clothes now!\nScene Description: [the trolls strip themselves naked]\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Observatory room. The entrance door opens.\nDane 2: [enters] In here, move.\nScene Description: [trolls enter the room in a line where they are put on separate chairs, handcuffed]\nGerald: [gets frieghtened] Oh god! Oh god, they're gonna [gets kicked by Dane 5] kill us! No no, wait! Okay okay, it was me! You're right, I'm Skankhunt! But I am not like them. Please, [gets put on a chair] I have a good job! I'm a good guy! [gets handcuffed] I'm sorry! [sighs heavily] I was just being funny! I was trying to make people laugh! [sees the Danes leaving the room] That's a positive thing, right?! I wasn't doing it to hurt people, I was just doing comedy. It's different! Please, it's different!\nScene Description: [the door closes]\nScene Description: South Park Church. Maxi makes a speech to people praying.\nMaxi: Lord, we look to thee on this to our most trouble hour. We have been let astray and now all we could do is wait for the inevitable to happen. Soon everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all. Many lives will be turned upside down. Of course, I have nothing to worry about; since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so [turns a page] definitely no reason to look up my history. But uh for many, this is a time to pray.\nEveryone: [speak in unison] O'Lord, please forgive for things we might have done online.\nHarrison: Maggie.\nMen: Please try to understand that even some of us who were on MatchingMavis.com, it was only out of curiosity, and not because we actually having an affair. Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be public.\nKyle: [enters with Ike] What are you all doing?! [walks closer to the priest] Somebody's threatening your way of life and you all are just sitting here praying, like uh a bunch of babies?\nIke: [follows Kyle] Like a bunch of pussies!\nKyle: Come on, this isn't South Park! What's happened to us?! We used to have a challenge and deal with it, then move onto the next one. Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week; and I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of it.\nRandy: Yeah.\nKyle: [stands on a step near Maxi] Now for once let's take a stand and try to end this. We can't let Denmark change who we are.\nRandy: Yeah, fuck Denmark.\nPrayers: [speak after one another] Yeah!\nKyle: You guys need to, you know, call the President and get him to take action.\nPrayers: [speak in disappointment] Aw!\nStephen: The President? He won't listen to us. He hates us now.\nRandy: No, [stands up] but there is somebody he will still listen to.\nScene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room.\nFirst General: Mr. President, we're looking at global destabilization blinked we've never seen. Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked.\nGarrison: Well what do they want me to do about it?\nSecond General: You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need.\nArmy Soldier: [salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.\nGarrison: Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President.\nMr. Slave: [talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up?\nGarrison: Well well well, crawling outta the woodwork to try and get me back now that I am a big cheese?\nScene Description: Mr. Slave's house is shown to have other South Park residents.\nMr. Slave: No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark.\nGarrison: Who wants me to bomb Denmark?\nMr. Slave: Lots of people 'cause it's like gonna ruin their freedom of speech or something.\nGarrison: Mr. Slave, this is all very complicated, diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries.\nMr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ, you're such a little bitch.\nGarrison: Oh I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be President, bitch!\nMr. Slave: You're a little bitch, President. You're too scared to bomb anybody.\nGarrison: I'm not scared, my advisors have told me that I...\nMr. Slave: Yeah, you're scared, just do what your little advisors tell you to do.\nGarrison: If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will...\nMr. Slave: You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy.\nIke: Pussy ass bitch.\nMr. Slave: Pussy ass bitch, fuck you.\nGarrison: Oh [rambles] okay! You think so, huh?! Well watch this you gay asshole! [yells at the generals] Bomb Denmark!\nFirst General: Sir?\nGarrison: [turns around] The TrollTrace building or the whole fucking thing! Whatever it is, get the missiles ready!\nMr. Slave: [talks to others in his house] Yeah, it worked.\nKyle: Alright!\nScene Description: [everyone else cheered]\nScene Description: SpaceX. Butters walks to the men's room.\nButters: [talks to woman employee walking by] Hello. [enters the bathroom]\nCartman: [enters the men's room and sees Butters using the urinal] What are you doing?\nButters: [talks to Cartman] Going pee!\nCartman: I mean what are you doing here calling my girlfriend funny? You better back off! You don't even know her, your just saying it! How do you even know she's funny?!\nButters: Because you keep on telling everyone she is.\nCartman: Butters, Heidi is everything to me. If you take her, I swear to god...\nButters: Eric Eric, trust me! I want nothing to do with girlfriends! [walks closer to the toilets] I know what girlfriends do; they make you feel happy like you never felt, then they crawl up inside of you and poop out your heart.\nCartman: What are you talking about?\nButters: That's how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they're the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing; and you're left there crying, with your heart covered in poop.\nCartman: Not Heidi, she's different. She's really smart, and really funny.\nButters: Sure buddy, sure.\nScene Description: Ike's room. Kyle and Ike read the news on the computer.\nKyle: Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has end, and that a military strike on the country is now imminent.\nIke: Yay!\nKyle: The President stated that since then...\nSheila: [enters the room] Are you serious right now?!\nKyle & Ike: Augh! [get off the chair]\nSheila: [yells] Get off that computerrrr!\nKyle: Ma, we were just using it to look at the news.\nSheila: I don't care, I said no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle!\nKyle: I'm not against you, mom.\nSheila: You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! Do you understand?!\nKyle & Ike: Yes, mom.\nSheila: And when your father is home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling.\nKyle & Ike: [in complete shock] Denmark?\nKyle: What is dad doing in Denmark?!\nSheila: The government sent him over to do paralegal training, so it would've nice if you could've shown a little support! [leaves the room and shuts the door]\nIke: Ohhh shit.\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Observatory room. The trolls are handcuffed and seated, facing the panels. Gerald is sobbing.\nGerald: [whimpering]Oh God! [continues whimpering]\nAnonymous821: Will somebody shut him up?\nDick: Skank. Skank, get ahold of yourself\nGerald: You were right, Dildo, when you said I was a dick, when you called me an asshole. I am. And now I'm going to die alone, just like you said (starts crying again)\nDick: Come on. You're not an asshole\nGerald: [sobbing] You said I was, though, 'cause I only trolled to be...funny.\nDick: Well-Well, maybe being funny is just sort of how you deal with serious subjects.\nGerald: [sobbing] Really? You don't think I'm a bad person? I'm sorry. All you guys, I'm sorry.\nTrolls: That's okay. Okay, Skank. All right\nGerald: [calling out to TrollTrace staff] Excuse me. Hello?\nScene Description: TrollTrace: monitoring room. Bedrager is looking over a TrollTrace employee's notes, while the trolls are shown on the monitor\nGerald: Could I please speak to the person in charge? [Bedrager hears Gerald and walks over to the monitor] I have something to say. [security camera zooms in on Gerald] Please, just for a moment?\nBedrager: [stares intently at the monitor with the other employees] Bring him to the conference room\nScene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations. Cartman walks over and observes her from a distance\nHeidi: [sighs], Dude, I am so not getting this.\nCartman: [walks away in shock]\nScene Description: SpaceX: Upper level walkway. Butters is leaning against the railing.\nCartman: [walks towards Butters and then leans against the railing] I just don't understand it. She's always been really smart before. And hilarious.\nButters: Don't feel bad about getting duped, Eric. Its happened to all of us.\nCartman: [Yells] Nobody's been duped! Stop suggesting that she's being manipulative. Why would she want to trick me?\nButters: The truth is girls hate us, Eric. They're sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys' only hope is to start over on Mars.\nCartman: [turns around and yells] That's ridiculous. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Heidi is the smartest, funniest person I've ever met. I'm not being tricked. And I'll prove it to everybody!\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager is eating a meal while two Danes stand guard.\nGerald: Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for talking to me. I just really needed to get something off my chest. I'm so sorry. I had the biggest epiphany about the damage I've done, the people I've hurt, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really a troll. [Bedrager continues eating and not paying attention to Gerald.] I actually have a job. I'm a lawyer. I've got a loving wife and great kids. Uhm, I've got a family that really misses me and needs me.\nBedrager: [continues eating and not looking at Gerald] Freja Ollegard, the volleyball player, had a family, too. They miss her quite a lot too.\nGerald: And that-that is so tragic. And I'm so sorry that she was driven to kill herself by trolling. It's-It's wrong. But, you know, I just sort of set things in motion. See, I'm a satirist. I challenge people's point of views by being sort of edgy. [Bedrager stops and hears Gerald out] And sometimes, people can be like \"Whoa!\" and mistake that for hate, but its not hate. Its pointing out hypocrisies in out society.\nBedrager: You're so full of skinkinslat I can smell it from here.\nGerald: If you say mean things and you're mean, then I agree, you should be killed. But if you're being funny, which spreads joy -\nBedrager: You really think my plan is to kill you?\nGerald: It's not?\nBedrager: [To the two Danes standing guard] Leave us. [shoos them away with his hand] Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.\nScene Description: [The two Danes walk out of the room.]\nBedrager: [In a sinister tone] Do you want to know what's really funny?\nScene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. Staff is running around and Mr. Garrison is eating a tub of ice cream.\nFirst General: Mr. President, the bombers are en route to Europe.\nSecond General: Are you sure you want to proceed with this?\nGarrison: [Licking his ice cream spoon]Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them. We have to be tough here.\nArmy Soldier: Mr. President? Mr. President, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg is on Line 1, the Chairman of the Worker's Party is on Line 2, and Kyle is on Line 3.\nGarrison: Oh geez. What does Kyle want.\nScene Description: [Walks over to red phone and picks up the receiver]\nGarrison: This is the President\nKyle: [in his bedroom, with Ike] Mr. Garrison, you can't bomb Denmark!\nGarrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle.\nKyle: It's-It's wrong and it could start a bigger war.\nGarrison: Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't understand the political complexities involved here.\nKyle: [Looks at phone in shock and then thinks of an answer] I understand that you're a dipshit little gay puppet.\nGarrison: Excuse me?\nKyle: Letting your ex-boyfriend manipulate you 'cause you miss his sweet ass.\nGarrison: Who told you that?\nKyle: Everyone knows that. You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into doing.\nGarrison: Kyle, I am the President.\nKyle: You're a little dipshit president.\nIke: With a dirty...asshole.\nKyle: With a dirty asshole.\nIke: And...you shit out your dick.\nKyle: And you shit out your dick. [covers phone with hand and looks at Ike] Where did you learn to talk like this?\nIke: Daddy!\nGarrison: Oh that's what people think, huh? Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark. What do you think about that?\nKyle: Yeah, you will, because you're a little retarded shit bitch.\nGarrison: [Yelling] God fucking damn it [slams receiver] Hold up! Hold up on the fucking bombs a minute!\nScene Description: Outside of SpaceX. A large crowd is making noise and still trying to get in\nScene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations, with Elon Musk and his staff observing. Cartman walks up to her from behind\nCartman: [Nervously] Hey, babe. Uh, how's it going?\nHeidi: [Stares intently at white board, not paying attention to Cartman] I don't understand what any of these symbols mean, so in my head I'm trying to replace them with something I know to try and see patterns.\nCartman: [Wipes his nose] Okay, cool. Uh, babe, you remember that funny thing you were saying about soup the other day. What was that again?\nHeidi: And when I do that, I can see how everything lines up except for one thing.\nScene Description: [As Heidi continues staring at the board, the formulas start changing into random emojis]\nHeidi: [Thinking] I call it [echo] \"Emoji Analysis\" [the formulas keeping changing into emojis as the echo continues].\nCartman: Do you-you remember that funny voice you did at McDonald's? You were like \"Could you-Could you hand me my water,\" or something. I can't-I can't remember.\nHeidi: These two don't line up, babe. The only things that are out of order.\nCartman: Or the time you said the thing about clouds and I was laughing so hard-What was that again?\nHeidi: [Turns to Elon Musk and his staff] Excuse me. Is it possible that the seventh line from the right and the third one up from the bottom left are out of sequence?\nScene Description: [the Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker review his clipboard notes]\nSpaceX Employee: I'm sorry?\nHeidi: That stuff there. Its in the wrong place. It needs to come before that.\nScene Description: [the employees review their notes again]\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: [Looks at his laptop] Wait a minute. She might be on to something here\nCartman: Okay, okay, now could you just do the \"my vagina\" thing for them? Could you just say \"my vagina\"?\nHeidi: [Turns around and runs towards Elon Musk] They're out of sequence! I'll show you! [Cartman looks on in shock as she leaves]\nCartman: What the fuck is happening?\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Gerald is sitting at the conference table as Bedrager stands by a cart with wine and wine glasses.\nBedrager: [picks up an empty glass] Do you remember, Mr. a-Skankhunt, when you and your little buddies trolled the entire country of a-Denmark?\nGerald: And that was wrong, too. I certainly want to apologize for that.\nBedrager: [pours himself a glass of wine] That was certainly a display of the power of a-trolling, wasn't it.[turns around to face Gerald] But, what would be even more impressive?\nGerald: I-I don't understand.\nBedrager: What if you could troll the entire world? Somebody who could rise to political power through nothing more that pushing people's a-buttons and getting them all riled up, become the leader of...a Scandinavian country, perhaps, get them to listen to you when, actually...[speaks with an American accent] you're not even fucking Danish.\nGerald: No way.\nBedrager: Use that country to create a machine that relies on the shittiness of people to fuck over other people and watch the whole world go completely batshit.\nScene Description: [Bedrager walks over to a microphone and starts talking over the P.A. system]\nBedrager: [speaking with a Danish accent] Attention all a-TrollTrace workers. Please report to assembly hall one for a big announcement. [speaking with an American accent] Completely fool everyone [sits at table with Gerald] and keep your real intentions completely anonymous.\nGerald: You would-deliberately start World War III, let the people of Denmark die, set everyone on Earth against each other? Why?!\nBedrager: Because its freakin' hilarious! Getting a Scandinavian country to fight trolls by building a giant machine that actually shows everyone on Earth is kind of a troll, too?\nGerald: That's not funny.\nBedrager: That's not funny?! Don't be a fag, dude! That's real bro shit there. Sorry to step on your fucking dicks in the mouth and tit jokes, you amateur little pussy. Come on! Have some fucking balls!\nGerald: You can't do this to people! It's not right!\nBedrager: [chuckles] Listen to you. [picks up microphone from under the table and starts talking in a Danish accent again] All right, everyone. Show's about to begin. [clicks on remote]\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Assembly hall. Employees standing around, waiting for the show.\nScene Description: [Two Danes try to access a door with their access card, but are denied access and try manually opening the door with a crank handle. The wall panels slide back and show the remaining trolls in the Observatory room, who can also see the TrollTrace employees.]\nDick: What the fuck is going on?!\nScene Description: [The trolls and TrollTrace employees look at each other, before an overhead project starts up and a countdown begins on the panels. The music video for \"Never Gonna Give You Up\" then starts up]\nMusic video: Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.\nTrollTrace Employee: Uh-oh.\nScene Description: [\"Never Gonna Give You Up\" continues playing in the background]\nDick: Wow. That's pretty impressive.\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager quickly walks out of the conference room as Gerald tries to stop him.\nGerald: Waaiitt!!!\nScene Description: [Bedrager smiles as the doors shut and he slides his access card to lock the doors, trapping Gerald inside. He tries to break the glass doors open as Bedrager happily walks away.]\nScene Description: Ike's room. Ike is looking out the snow covered window with a candle nearby\nKyle: [standing in the hallway] Ike...It's time. [walks up to Ike] I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with this, but its the only way now.\nIke: I know.\nKyle: Just remember-I always loved you, little brother.\nIke: I love you too, big brother.\nKyle: Let's...just get this over with.\nScene Description: Sheila's bedroom. Sheila is reading a book in bed. Ike comes up to her door and she notices him\nIke: Mommy?\nSheila: Yes?\nIke: Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs off]\nSheila: [screams angrily] Whhaaatt! [tosses book aside and jumps out of bed] You get back here, you little monster!\nScene Description: [Ike hops down the staircase and runs into the kitchen with Sheila behind him]\nSheila: [yelling] I have had it with you! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! [runs into the kitchen and sees Kyle standing there] Where is he?! Where is your brother?!\nKyle: He's in the pantry.\nSheila: [yelling] Don't you try and hide from me now! You are in big trouble now, Ike! [She continues on into the pantry before Kyle shuts the door on her and puts a chair against it] Whaaatt!? What, what!? Kyle, you open this door right now!! [starts to pound her fist on pantry door]\nKyle: Ma. Mom, we are really sorry...\nSheila: [yelling] Open this door! [continues pounding on the door]\nKyle: But Ike and I have to do something and we have to be able to use the computers.\nSheila: [yelling] What,what?! No computers! Do not touch the computerrrrrs! [continues pounding on the door]\nKyle: We have to do this, Mom. Its the only thing that can save our family now.\nSheila: [continues pounding on the door] You are done! You hear me?! You are both done! [screams]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Pentagon, President-Elect Garrison is approached by two members of the military.\nGeneral Revaur: Mr. President? Russians are scrambling bombers to attack Denmark. NATO wants to know how we intend to stop them. Mr. President?...Mr. President you can't just sit there with your \"stank face\".\nMr. Garrison: Iah-uhk-uh-I cain't?\nMilitary Officer: The TrollTrace website is set to go online in less than fifteen minutes, the world is in complete chaos!\nNSA Agent: [From a nearby workstation.] Sir, someone is leading a coordinated cyber strike on the TrollTrace website.\nMr. Garrison: [Joyously.] A cyber attack, well that's good! Where's it comin' from?\nNSA Agent: It could be Russian, we don't know. Whoever this troll is, he's pretty fucking hardcore sir.\nScene Description: Broflovski Residence. Kyle sits in Gerald's office typing away, a can of Sprite nearby. \"Smokin'\" by the rock band \"Boston\" plays loudly.\nKyle: Okay, okay, Token? Token are you there?\nScene Description: Token pops up in a Skype window on the computer.\nToken: I'm here, what's this about Kyle?\nKyle: I can't tell you dude, I just need your Smokin' help...Please, my life depends Smokin' on it.\nToken: Okay, okay sure. I feel alright, mamma...\nKyle: Alright, I'm not jokin', yeah I need you to tell me the worst thing I can say on the United Negro College Fund website to piss off black people.\nToken: What!?\nKyle: Token, please! There's no time to explain!\nToken: Beyonce ain't nothin' but a Taylor Swift ripoff.\nKyle: That helps thank you.\nScene Description: Kyle closes Token's window and brings up Craig and Tweek.\nKyle: Tweek, Craig, I need you to get on the GLAAD website and respond to all the horrible shit I just said about gay people.\nCraig: Why'd you say horrible shit about gay people?\nKyle: It's not important, just get on it and respond.\nScene Description: A popup appears, Stan Marsh is ringing Kyle on Skype. Kyle closes, Tweek and Craig, and brings Stan up.\nKyle: [To Tweek & Craig.] Hang on. [To Stan.] Stan! Finally. Dude I need everybody online now!\nStan: For what?\nKyle: Dude, there's no time to explain, you gotta go out and get everybody, tell them to get on their computers, go!\nStan: [Pumped up] Okay!\nScene Description: Kyle closes Stan's window and brings up Jimmy Valmer.\nKyle: Jimmy, what's the worst possible thing you could say on a website for handicapped Syrian refugees?\nJimmy: Wuh-Wuh-Waddle back to Syria you desert-tard. [Jimmy smiles gleefully]\nScene Description: A door is nailed shut by numerous pieces of wood and the door handle is wedged securely with a chair. On the other side, someone is trapped, jostling the handle and shaking the door.\nSheila: You boys...better not be on that computaaaaaaah! I'll make you pay for this. You locked your mother in the pantry? I'll lock you in your rooms forevaaah.\nScene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters. Gerald is locked in the conference room. Risk Astley is still blaring over the large television.\nScene Description: Never gonna give, never gonna give, give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give, give you up We've known each other, Static interrupts the song. for so long Static interrupts again and Dildo Shwaggins is seen.\nDildo Shwaggins: Skank\nGerald: Dildo?\nDildo Shwaggins: Skankhunt, can you hear me?\nGerald: Yes! Yes, where are you?\nDildo Shwaggins: The troll locked us in the control room with his Danish workers.\nGerald: How long before the website goes online?\nDanish Worker: Less than ten mienutes.\nGerald: Oh God!\nDildo Shwaggins: Skankhunt! The TrollTrace servers monitor and catalog outrage and hate on the internet, there's a troll out there trying to overload them by generating tons of hate.\nDildo Shwaggins: Skank, whoever's doing it is doing it from your account.\nGerald: My account?\nDildo Shwaggins: Yeah, he's pissing off a lot of people.\nScene Description: Gerald realizes that Kyle is using his account to help save him.\nGerald: [Proudly.] That's my boy!\nScene Description: Back at SpaceX, Heidi, Elon Musk and some SpaceX employees look at a chamber containing fast flowing energy.\nFemale SpaceX Worker: The core energy is completely stable, and very easy to reduce. It's the most massive energy source of its size we've ever seen.\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: We've done it Elon, with this type of energy we can easily get mankind to Mars.\nElon Musk: This is amazing! And it's all thanks to you little girl, how did you get to be so smart?\nHeidi: I just- have a boyfriend who really supports me.\nScene Description: She looks over to where Cartman is and waves. Cartman half-heartedly waves back.\nElon Musk: Well, c'mon, I wanna know everything about you.\nScene Description: She and Elon Musk walk off, Cartman stands next to Butters with a troubled look on his face.\nCartman: Conniving, snakes-in-the-grass. All of them.\nButters: Yep.\nCartman: We have to tell someone the truth, Butters.\nButters: Are you sure about what's going to happen on Mars.\nCartman: It's all been leading up to this, we've just been too blind to see it before.\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Hey, you guys need anything? Water, Soda?\nCartman: Maybe just a moment alone, to talk?\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Sure, about what?\nCartman: The end of our species.\nScene Description: Back in Gerald's office in Kyle's house.\nKyle: All right, who else we got now, Kevin are you there, Kenny?\nKevin: Ye-I, I typed in everything you told me to.\nKenny: (Me too dude, what's next?)\nScene Description: Ike pops up in a window.\nIke: Kyle, I wanna help tooo.\nKyle: No, Ike. So far the only thing you've done is from dad's account, we need you to stay clean. No trolling, Okay!? You can just help me with what I should say.\nScene Description: Dildo Shwaggins pops up in a window.\nDildo Shwaggins: Hello? Can you hear me? This is Dildo Shwaggins.\nKyle: Who are you?\nDildo Shwaggins: I'm a colleague of your fathers. We see what you're trying to do, and we're gonna help, we trolled with your father, now we will troll with you.\nKyle: O- Okay?\nDildo Shwaggins: Son, you need to know that your father is very proud of you. He was the best at Trevor's Axiom, he believes you can be too.\nKyle: What the hell is \"Trevor's Axiom\"?\nScene Description: An NSA Agent stands next to a dry-erase board with a pointer. On the board reads \"Trevor's Axiom\" under which is a tree of circled letters, breaking off into tiers, representing users.\nNSA Agent: Trevor's Axiom is a well-known equation in online trolling.\nScene Description: The people the NSA Agent is talking to are shown, seated at the table are President-Elect Garrison, sporting his \"Stank-Face\", some NSA Agents, General Revaur, and his associate.\nNSA Agent: It's a way in which one person can create a massive reaction on the Internet. Look, person A trolls person B, but it's not about person B, the troll is trying to push buttons to try and get a reaction from hundreds, eventually creating person C, whose overreaction and self righteousness will elicit a reaction from persons D through F, who weren't trolls but can't help rip on person C.\nNSA Agent: Their reactions lead to outrage persons G through N, and it keeps going, generating massive energy, it's like the fission reaction that leads to a fusion explosion, all bringing out the worst in humanity.\nMr. Garrison: Huh, that sorta sounds like how I got elected.\nNSA Agent: Precisely, Mr. President, and if this kind of overreaction can be amplified through the Pentagon servers...\nGeneral Revaur: [Interrupting] It could blow up the Internet before TrollTrace ever does substantial damage.\nMr. Garrison: Gentlemen, get me in contact with that troll.\nScene Description: SpaceX: Interior. Cartman and Butters are sitting at a table across from the male #OccupyMars SpaceX worker\nCartman: Listen, there isn't much time. This whole thing has to be stopped. We can't go to Mars.\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: You keep saying that, but not why.\nButters: Because Eric knows the future.\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: What are you talking about?\nCartman: I've had visions of Mars for the past few months. I'm a visionary. That's why I came, why I brought her.\nScene Description: He hops off the chair and walks to the other side of the room.\nCartman: But the visions weren't complete until recently. I know what happens on Mars.\nScene Description: Cartman has a vision, and the red surface of Mars is now shown, as he dictates his vision.\nCartman (Voiceover): At first, you'll be super-happy, bouncing around the red sand.\nScene Description: Cartman is is in a spacesuit, jumping around saying \"Cool\".\nCartman: Everyone will be really nice.\nScene Description: Cartman jumps down from a small hill and notices a futuristic structure with some female astronauts nearby. They both wave to Cartman as he hops past the structure.\nFemale 1: Hi!\nFemale 2: Hi!\nCartman: Hi!\nScene Description: Cartman reaches the bottom of the hill as a rover drives past him.\nCartman: You'll think the rover cars and roller coasters are really cool.\nScene Description: The rover is now driving towards a futuristic amusement park.\nCartman: But then, you'll realize something-The other colonists all seem to be women.\nScene Description: Cartman looks around and notices a parked rover with 4 women smiling and waving to him.\nCartman: Hmm, let's see\nScene Description: Cartman hops in their direction.\nCartman: And then you'll start to wonder, \"Where are all the other guys?\"\nScene Description: He quickly hops past a group of girls and young women. An image of Butters' head in a space helmet zooms past Cartman. Butters voice is heard.\nButters: [Whispering] Look underground.\nScene Description: Butter's voice echoes as Cartman hops toward an underground mine entrance.\nCartman: And soon, you'll realize there's areas you didn't understand the purpose for.\nScene Description: Cartman stops and examines the entrance, then proceeds inside.\nCartman: What is this place?\nCartman: And that's when you'll learn the truth...\nScene Description: A chamber unfolds in front of Cartman, it is filled with exhausted, naked men who have hoses attached to their penises. Each of them are standing in front of a station housing a reservoir of their semen and a laptop computer resides in front of each of them.\nCartman: Men have been forced underground, deemed useless by women.\nScene Description: The naked men are struggling to type on their laptops while being drained of their semen.\nCartman: They are mined for the only things women still need us for, our semen, and our jokes.\nScene Description: Cartman continues watching, as two women come up from behind, and grab him.\nCartman: What?! No, no!\nScene Description: One of the women removes Cartman's helmet.\nCartman: You're just as funny as us! You don't need to do this!\nScene Description: Soon, Cartman has been stripped of his clothes and is now naked, attached to a station.\nCartman: Nooooooo! No, no!\nScene Description: A woman in a spacesuit is standing behind him, yelling at him.\nFemale 3: Write jokes!\nScene Description: Cartman starts typing on the laptop, wimpering.\nCartman: No! No!\nScene Description: SpaceX: Interior. Cartman's vision ends.\nCartman: And you'll be trapped down there forever, in the cum and joke mines of Mars.\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: That's, That's ridiculous. Why would women need us to do that? They're just as funny as men.\nCartman: If there's even a little part of you that really doesn't believe that, then think about what else has to be going on.\nScene Description: They all look up at two female SpaceX employees that walk by. The girls stop and notice the guys staring at them.\nFemale SpaceX Employee: What?\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: What?\nScene Description: Cartman hops back on chair, whispering.\nCartman: You have to help us stop this!\nScene Description: TrollTrace:Conference Room. Gerald is trying different access codes to open the door, but is consistently rejected\nGerald: [Frustrated.] Ah! God damn it!\nDildo Shwaggins: Skank! You still there?\nGerald: [He walks over to the TV.] Yeah, I'm here.\nScene Description: TrollTrace:Assembly Hall. Dildo Shwaggins is sitting at a computer with the rest of the trolls and TrollTrace staff\nDildo Shwaggins: The servers are starting to heat up, but the Danish say there are breakers that will never let them overload. You got to climb up the building and shut off the breakers.\nGerald: [He looks up at the monito.r] I can't go anywhere. I'm locked in the conference room.\nTrollTrace employee: Oh, the key code to the conference room is 9...\nGerald: [He runs over to the panel and presses 9.] Yeah...?\nTrollTrace employee: That's it. 9.\nGerald: [Frustrated.] Oh, for fuck's sake! [The panel light turns green, the door opens, and Gerald runs out.]\nScene Description: Broflovski Residence. Sheila is still trying to break open the kitchen pantry door.\nSheila: [She's pounding the door.] Kyle! You better run if I get out of here! You better pray that-[The chair moves and she is begins to pry open the door with her hands.]-ah!\nScene Description: Sheila eventually break the kitchen pantry door with her bodyweight. She comes out looking disheveled and breathing heavily, before yelling in frustration.\nScene Description: TrollTrace:Locker Room. Gerald runs in and stops at a locker to grab a uniform. He then proceeds up the ladder in the server room\nDildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank. Skankhunt, are you there yet?\nGerald: Yeah, I'm up with all the servers.\nScene Description: TrollTrace:Assembly Hall. Dildo Shwaggins is sitting at a computer with the rest of the trolls and TrollTrace staff\nTrollTrace employee: The first breaker should be there. Tell him to look for a large red lever.\nDildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank, do you see a large red lever?\nGerald: [notices the lever] Yeah, I got it [grabs the lever]\nDildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Flip it off\nScene Description: Gerald pulls the lever down, causing an alarm to go off.\nDildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] That's good. Keep going Skankhunt.\nScene Description: Ike's room. Ike is on the computer with a headset.\nIke: You are all dumbass... fuckwads.\nScene Description: An angry Sheila starts to slowly walk up to Ike's door and then into his room\nIke: Lick my asshole, you Mexican... bitch.\nSheila: Ike!\nIke: [screams]\nSheila: [Yelling.] You dare lock me in the pantry, so you can play on your computer?!\nScene Description: Sheila charges at Ike, but he manages to slide and crawl under her nightgown. She then grabs his computer monitor and throws it down onto the floor.\nIke: Mommy!\nSheila: [Yelling.] You're gonna pay for what you have done!\nIke: Aah! [He runs out into the hallway.]\nScene Description: Sheila follows Ike into the hallway and starts screaming\nScene Description: Gerald's office. Kyle is typing on the computer just as Ike pushes the door open\nIke: Kyle!\nSheila: Ike!\nKyle: [He throws down headset.] Shit!\nIke: Mommy got out!\nScene Description: Kyle gets off the chair and tries to shield Ike from Sheila\nSheila: [Panting.] You...! You helped turned your brother this way!\nKyle: Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to help-\nSheila: Shut up! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer...forever!\nScene Description: Sheila charges at the boys, but Kyle and Ike side step her and move towards the window.\nKyle: Mom, please, you got to listen to me. Ike is innocent\nSheila: [Yelling.] Do you think I'm stupid?!\nKyle: No, Mom. You just don't know everything. [Kyle straps a vest around his chest.]\nSheila: You both march out of here, right now!\nKyle: I'm sorry, Mom. I'm just trying to protect my family\nScene Description: Kyle grabs Ike and pulls the ripcord on his vests, launching both of them out the window. Sheila then runs over to the window and looks on in shock.\nScene Description: SpaceX:Exterior. A large group of people are making noise outside the entrance.\nScene Description: SpaceX:Interior. The Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker is walking alongside Elon Musk.\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Look, Elon, I'm just saying before we go any further, you might want to hear this kid out. [They both stop in front of Cartman and Butters.]\nMale #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Go on, tell Elon.\nCartman: Elon, I know you've dreamt of mankind getting to Mars, but its not going to be very kind to man. They're going to put us underground.\nElon Musk: For what?\nCartman: What's the one thing women don't have? Semen and a sense of humor.\nElon Musk: That's two things.\nCartman: They're pretty related.\nElon Musk: Women don't need us for comedy. They can be just as funny as men. You should meet my girlfriend. She's really smart and really funny.\nCartman: Oh, Elon. Oh, Christ, Elon.\nButters: I used to think women were funny, too, but Eric talked me out of it.\nCartman: It's something they do to our brains. They attract us like flies to the spiderweb. And then they make you think they're really smart, really funny. But they're only really smart, Elon.\nScene Description: Cartman turns around and notices Heidi looking at him through the glass partition.\nCartman: They can live without us. We can't live without them.\nScene Description: Heidi waves to Cartman and he waves to her with a smile. She then walks away\nCartman: If even 1/16th of you believes that women might not be as funny as men, Elon-[He turns around and notices that Elon isn't there.] Elon?\nScene Description: Copy and Print: Exterior. Kyle and Ike are inside, with Kyle trolling on the computer.\nKyle: Why don't you kill yourself? Trust me, no one will care.\nIke: You fat hooker.\nKyle: You fat hooker. Ike, when this is all over, we're gonna need to clean your mouth out.\nIke: You clean your fucking mouth out.\nScene Description: Stan pops up on a FaceTime window\nKyle: Stan! You still haven't found Butters yet? Dude, I need his hatred towards women right now!\nStan: Dude, he's not around anywhere. He must be out of town.\nKyle: Shit!\nScene Description: A FaceTime notification from \"The President\" pops up\nKyle: Hold on...\nScene Description: Mr. Garrison pops up on a FaceTime window.\nMr. Garrison: Kyle?!\nKyle: [Surprised.] Oh, hey, Mr. President\nMr. Garrison: Kyle, you're the troll who started all this?!\nKyle: Uh...what do you mean?\nMr. Garrison: Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. So long as you keep doing what you're doing. The American government is behind you.\nKyle: [Surprised.] It is?\nMr. Garrison: Keep up the good work. We're gonna take that big shitstorm of hate you're creating and amplify it. We'll try to create enough energy to blow up the whole fucking internet. [He gives Kyle a military salute] You're doing God's work, son. Keep it up.\nKyle: [He gives Mr. Garrison a half-hearted military salute.] Thanks?\nScene Description: The skies of Denmark. Tjing Tjang Tjing is heard as Lennart Bedrager is flying a helicopter with a grin on his face. As he looks at his phone, his expression changes into shock as he sees video of Gerald shutting down the servers.\nBedrager: Oh, no, you don't.\nScene Description: Bedrager turns the helicopter around and heads back to the TrollTrace building.\nScene Description: South Park: Residential neighborhood. People are panicking and running around on the streets. Sheila walks up to the Tucker residence and knocks on the door.\nSheila: Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me.\nScene Description: Laura is sobbing.\nSheila: What? What? What?\nLaura: [She wipes her nose with a tissue.] The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard.\nScene Description: Laura walks away from the door into the living room. A confused Sheila follows her into the house\nLaura: When you marry someone and you think you know them...\nSheila: I don't know what you're talking about.\nLaura: TrollTrace. Its up and running. [She points to the laptop sitting on the table.]\nLaura: It can tell you anybody's Internet history. [She starts to walk to her couch.]\nLaura: I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. [Sheila approaches the laptop.] The websites he's visited are just...disgusting!\nSheila: May I use this a moment?\nLaura: Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see.\nScene Description: Sheila takes a seat and accesses The TrollTrace website. She starts to type in Ike's name and all his personal information. A detailed list of websites with date and time stamps appears in front of her. She starts to scroll down the list and is shocked at what she sees.\nScene Description: SpaceX:Exterior. A large group of people are making noise outside the entrance.\nScene Description: SpaceX:Interior. Butters is standing around while Cartman is nervously pacing back and forth.\nCartman: What the hell am I going to do, Butters? Semen and a sense of humor. I can't live without Heidi. I know I'll be miserable. But I also can't live on the cum and joke mines of Mars.\nButters: Gee, I don't know what to tell you, buddy.\nCartman: If I stay on Earth where the internet is, Heidi finds out I know women aren't actually funny. And if I go to Mars, I get milked like a goat.\nScene Description: Butters' phone rings and he becomes mad as he answers it.\nButters: What?!\nKyle: Butters! Where the fuck are you?!\nButters: Oh, I'm at SpaceX. Where are you?\nKyle: SpaceX? Why?!\nButters: Well, we sort of created this ginormic energy source, but now, we're trying to figure out what to do with it.\nKyle: [He swivels his chair around.] Like...how ginormic of an energy source?\nButters: Like enough to get humanity to Mars.\nCartman: [He is heard over Kyle's phone.] Is that Kyle?\nCartman: [He takes Butters' phone.] Kyle, do you mind? I'm having really big girl problems right now.\nKyle: Cartman, I think we might be able to help each other.\nScene Description: TrollTrace:Server Room. Gerald is moving up another ladder in the server room\nDildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank, there's no more time! Have you found the last breaker?\nScene Description: Gerald is at the last walkway and is staring at a path leading to a mechanical door.\nGerald: I think so. I-I'm up on some kind of bridgeway.\nTrollTrace employee: That last breaker should be there\nGerald: Heading to it now!\nScene Description: Gerald begins to sprint across the bridgeway, but stops as he sees the figure of Lennart Bedrager standing at the door.\nBedrager: I'm ten steps ahead of you!\nScene Description: Gerald is in shock, as Lennart Bedrager emerges from the shadows with a gun pointed at him.\nBedrager: What's the matter Skankhunt? You just can't stand to be outdone, huh?\nScene Description: The TrollTrace server room is starting to fall apart\nGerald: Get out of my way. What you're doing is wrong!\nBedrager: What I'm doing is wrong? How is getting millions of people to kill themselves different from getting one person to?\nGerald: It's completely heartless and malicious!\nBedrager: You can honestly stand there, as a troll, and tell me that what I'm doing isn't hilarious?\nGerald: No! Its not! Hacking the world to show that most people act differently online isn't even technically satirical.\nBedrager: How is not satirical?\nScene Description: The TrollTrace server room continues to fall apart, causing explosions and flying debris, as the bridgway starts to shake, knocking both of them back.\nScene Description: Tucker residence: Living room. As Laura looks out the window, Sheila is still in shock at the TrollTrace results she's looking at.\nSheila: There's nothing here.\nScene Description: The TrollTrace results for Ike continue to scroll before finally stopping.\nSheila: Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. [She gets off of chair and walks towards Laura.]\nSheila: Oh Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me.\nLaura: About what?\nSheila: I accused Ike of...of...well, I can't really say, but this thing says that he's clean. I got to find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much. [She approaches the front door.]\nLaura: Its not our kids we have to be worried about. [Sheila stops and turns to her.]\nLaura: My husband was on three \"married-but-dating\" websites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious about what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends?\nScene Description: Sheila thinks about Laura's question while looking at the TrollTrace website on the laptop.\nSheila: No, I-I have to respect Gerald's privacy.\nLaura: Sure, yeah. Respect. Nice of you to give him that. [She walks toward the laptop.]\nLaura: Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name...just for a quick little look?\nScene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. One employee who is on fire runs across the room unnoticed by the staff. Two NSA agents are typing while Mr. Garrison and the Army generals stand near them\nNSA Agent: There's nothing more we can do. Nearly everyone is online and we diverted all the power we can.\nArmy General 2: Mr. President, TrollTrace has been online for almost 15 minutes now. Its too late. We need to get you down to the bunker.\nMr. Garrison: Oh I got a bunker? Well that's good.\nSoldier: [He holds the red telephone.] Mr. President, we have an urgent call from Kyle.\nMr. Garrison: [He picks up the phone.] Sorry, Kyle. Looks like its not going to work.\nKyle: [He types on his computer.] Mr. Garrison, I might have just found a lot more energy. Is there anyway the Pentagon can connect to SpaceX?\nMr. Garrison: SpaceX? What the fuck is that?\nKyle: [He types on his computer.] You know, the company trying to find new forms of energy, create jobs and get mankind to Mars.\nMr. Garrison: Okay, that's dumb, but go on.\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Server room. The rooms continues to fall apart while Gerald and Lennart try to keep their balance as the bridegway starts to shake from the explosions.\nGerald: Okay, okay, look. What you're doing is just trying to prove that everyone is either a bad person or a snoop, right? So how is that funny?\nBedrager: That's not what I'm doing. I'm showing everyone that all this stuff that they freak out over doesn't even matter.\nGerald: No, but see, that's just nihilism.\nBedrager: Oh, come on!\nGerald: That is!\nBedrager: So-so wait! If you do some big, outrageous, offensive thing with a positive attitude, you're a satirist, but if you're cynical about it, then you're a nihilist? That's fucking ridiculous!\nScene Description: Another explosion causes them to try and regain their balance again.\nGerald: You're trying to get people to go to war and kill each other.\nBedrager: So maybe this is like the new post-funny era of satire.\nScene Description: Another explosion causes them to move back slightly and keep their balance\nScene Description: SpaceX: Assembly line. An alarm goes off as Cartman speaks over the P.A. system.\nCartman: Attention all SpaceX employees. [Elon Musk and his group turn away from the energy source chamber and look up.]\nCartman: Please evacuate the building immediately. [A group of men working on Tesla cars stop and hear the announcement.]\nCartman: We just received a bomb threat from NASA. This is not a drill. [Heidi walks over to Cartman from behind.]\nCartman: The NASA terrorists are super-jelly of us. Please quietly and calmly find the nearest exit and get the fuck out as fast as you can. [He notices Heidi.] Ah! [He puts the microphone away.] Oh, hey, babe. Wh-What's up?\nHeidi: There's a bomb threat?\nCartman: Oh yeah, I was just...They told me on the stifernisy thing. It was spinning. Come on, we better get out. [He grabs Heidi and runs with her to the energy source chamber before she stops him.]\nHeidi: Babe, is everything okay? You seem...distantly lately.\nScene Description: As Cartman starts talking, Butters and the male #OccupyMars SpaceX employee look on while bringing a large yellow hose to the chamber\nCartman: Distant? Really? Oh my God. I-I'm sorry.\nHeidi: Did I do something wrong?\nCartman: [He grabs Heidi's hands.] No. No, Heidi. Why would you think that? [He then turns her away, so she doesn't see what's going on with the chamber.]\nHeidi: You don't really talk to me the same way you used to. Oh, God, I'm sounding needy, huh?\nCartman: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, go on.\nScene Description: As Heidi starts talking, Cartman focuses on Butters and the male #OccupyMars SpaceX employee who has attached the hose to one of the chamber's valve and making adjustments.\nHeidi: Eric, I just-I hope that you're always honest with me, even if you think it might hurt my feelings.\nCartman: Uh-huh. Yeah, cool. Heidi, I'll always do what's best both of us. [He puts his arm around her while looking back at the guys.]\nCartman: Now come on we got to get outside.\nScene Description: Tucker residence. The TrollTrace website is seen as Sheila hesitates about entering Gerald's information. She then begins to slowly type his name in\nSheila: I shouldn't do this.\nScene Description: TrollTrace: Server room. Gerald has his back turned to Lennart Bedrager\nGerald: I can't argue with you anymore. I want to stand here and tell you that you and I are different, but its not true. [He turns around.]\nGerald: All we've been doing is making excuses for being horrible people. [Bedrager looks down, agreeing with Gerald.]\nGerald: I don't know if you tried to teach me a lesson, but you have. [He slowly shuffles forward towards Bedrager.]\nGerald: I have to stand here and look at you, and all I see is a big fat reflection of myself. [He stops a few inches from Bedrager.] With only one minor difference.\nScene Description: Gerald hops forward and kicks Lennart Bedrager between his legs, causing him to drop down in pain. Gerald then grabs him by his jacket and tosses him off the bridgeway.\nBedrager: Noooooo!!!\nGerald: Ha! Fuck you! What I do is fucking funny, bitch!\nScene Description: Gerald then moves towards the final lever and pulls it down, causing an alarm to go off.\nScene Description: Copy and Print. Dildo Shwaggins is FaceTiming with Kyle and Ike\nDildo Shwaggins: That's it. Your dad's got it. Give it everything you got!\nKyle: Mr. President, do it!\nMr. Garrison: Reroute the internet through SpaceX!.\nPentagon Employee: Rerouting now!\nScene Description: SpaceX: Interior. The chamber begins to violently shake and beep, eventually exploding and sending a massive fireball throughout the entire SpaceX factory.\nScene Description: Tucker residence. Sheila has typed in all of Gerald's information and slowly presses the \"Return\" key to start the search. As the results start to compile, the screen starts to flicker and then the screen shuts down. The shutdown then proceeds to Copy and Print, TrollTrace and the Pentagon, leaving everyone with a black screen that reads \"Internet Reset Global Cache Cleared F:\\>\"\nSheila: [She stares at the black screen.] What the hell just happened?!\nScene Description: SpaceX: Exterior. The entire SpaceX building is exploding and everyone is running away. From a hill, Elon Musk and a few SpaceX employees are watching in horror, along with Cartman, Heidi and Butters.\nCartman: Well, looks like you're gonna have to kind of start over, huh, Elon?.\nScene Description: Elon is oblivious to Cartman's remark as he continues watching SpaceX explode in front of him.\nCartman: Maybe you should just go back to your little cars, huh?\nHeidi: Wow, babe. Looks like all our dreams are kind of on hold for a while, huh?\nCartman: Yeah, well some people's dreams are other people's nightmares.\nHeidi: Well, what do you mean?\nCartman: It was a joke.\nScene Description: South Park: Residential area. The Stotch residence is shown, with Stephen and Linda Stotch opening the door and looking up to the sky. Kyle starts narrating.\nKyle (voiceover): And so, life goes on.\nScene Description: South Park: The Tweak residence. Tweak and his parents step outside their house.\nKyle (voiceover): The end of civilization didn't happen.\nScene Description: South Park: Residential area. A large group of residents, including Thomas and Linda Tucker and Richard Alder, are stepping outside, looking around, talking to each other, shaking hands and giving each other hugs.\nKyle (voiceover): A massive electrical pulse completely erased the internet.\nScene Description: South Park: Residential area. Broflovski residence. A taxi pulls up to the curb with Gerald inside.\nKyle (voiceover): We've been given a second chance.\nScene Description: Gerald exits the taxi and makes his way to the front door. He open the door and steps inside into the living room\nKyle (voiceover): A mulligan.\nScene Description: Ike and Kyle look on as Sheila quickly runs over and gives him a hug.\nKyle (voiceover): Anything we might be ashamed of, gone forever.\nScene Description: Ike and Kyle angrily stare at Gerald. He smiles at them and gives them a thumbs-up. Kyle's expression then changes into annoyance.\nScene Description: South Park: Bus Stop. A large bus pulls up to its next stop.\nKyle (voiceover): Maybe now boys and girls can learn to respect each other again.\nScene Description: The bus comes to a stop and opens its door. Two adults, followed by Heidi and Cartman step off the bus. Heidi smiles at Cartman but Cartman looks at her with mistrust.\nScene Description: South Park: The Turner residence. Cartman and Heidi are walking together, holding hands, while Mr. and Mrs. Turner look on from their front door\nKyle (voiceover): Realize how careful our online lives have to be.\nScene Description: Cartman and Heidi stop in front of her house. Heidi, with a smile on her face, kisses a bitter-looking Cartman on his cheek, before walking up to her parents and going inside their residence. He then wipes her kiss off of his cheek with his hand.\nScene Description: The White House: Front lawn.\nKyle (voiceover): Because we've all seen what happens when the Twitters, Facebook and trolls decide our reality.\nScene Description: The White House: Oval Office. A large group of Memberberries stand at attention while Mr. Garrison walks over to his desk and takes his seat as the President.\nScene Description: Marsh Residence: Living room. Randy, Stan, Shelly, Sharron and Marvin Marsh, along with Sparky, are watching television together\nKyle (voiceover): Now that we've been given this second chance, it is up to all of us to see what we do with it.\nNews Anchor: And the first new e-mail since the internet was erased was successfully went out at 6 a.m. today. The honor went to a Mr. Dave Beckett of Boca Raton, Florida.\nScene Description: Beckett Residence: Front Porch. Dave Beckett is smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair with a sleeping dog near his feet\nNews Reporter: Mr. Beckett, you had the honor of being the first person to socialize on the new internet. Could you tell us what you did?\nDave Beckett: Well, I sent an e-mail with a photo to my old friend, Thomas Winger, up in Connecticut.\nNews Reporter: And what you did say to Mr. Winger?\nDave Beckett: [He pauses.] I showed him my dick, called him a fag."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A group of boys are laughing inside for a good long while. In the living room are Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Clyde, and Token\nCartman: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, let's try this one: Alexa, add \"big hairy balls\" to my shopping list.\nAlexa: [from an Amazon speaker] Okay, I've added \"big hairy balls\" to your shopping list. [The boys burst out laughing]\nButters: Okay, [laughs, then faces the speaker] Alexa, add \"smelly tampon boogers\" to my shopping list.\nAlexa: I've added \"smelly tampon boogers\" to your shopping list. [The boys burst out laughing]\nCartman: Alexa, Simon says \"I got vagina crabs in my butthole.\"\nAlexa: I got vagina crabs in my butthole. [The boys burst out laughing]\nIke: Alexa, Simon says, \"I gotta take a stinky poop.\"\nAlexa: I gotta take a stinky poop. [The boys burst out laughing]\nCartman: That's the best one yet! [Heidi walks into the living room from outside] Oh, you guys! I swear this is the greatest thing ever! You do one, Token! [grins. Heidi walks up to him and stands next to him]\nHeidi: Hey, babe, what's up? [he looks at her, his grin turns into a frown, and his bright eyes glaze over and close halfway]\nCartman: [flatly] Oh, hey, babe, what's goin' on?\nHeidi: What are you doing?\nCartman: Nnnothing, I'm just having fun with my friends. Is that, is that okay? [Heidi's smile vanishes]\nHeidi: What are you pissed off about?\nCartman: Ugh, I'm not pissed off, I'm just hanging out.\nHeidi: [a bit annoyed] So you're just gonna be passive-aggressive again and not talk about what you're feeling?\nStan: Uhwell, I think uhh, I think I got some stuff to do at home. [the boys start to leave as one]\nKyle: Yup. Uhh, come on, Ike.\nClyde: We got Google Home at my house.\nCartman: [tries to head them off at the door] Aw guys, guys, don't leave, guys! Everything's kewl!\nJimmy: W-we'll see you later, man. G-g'm, good luck. [closes the door. Cartman look at the door with his jaw dropped]\nCartman: [sigh] Awesome. Thanks for coming in and bitching me out in front of all the guys.\nHeidi: [walks up to Cartman] You were clearly mad about something. You should just tell me when you're mad.\nCartman: Just like you tell me what you're mad about every single day.\nHeidi: Why do you act like this all the time?\nCartman: Uuugh. [leans away]\nHeidi: You were the one who was pissed off, you're the one being passive-aggressive again!\nCartman: Uuugh! [droops as if being weighed down by a ship's anchor]\nHeidi: Because you don't know how to talk about how you're feeling! [walks out the front door, slamming it shut. Cartman is still drooping, then he sighs.]\nCartman: Alexa, add \"titty chips\" to my shopping list.\nAlexa: I've added \"titty chips\" to your shopping list. [Cartman laughs softly, but heartily]\nScene Description: Best Buy, day. Shoppers file out of there with brand-new Amazon Echoes and Google Homes. At the other end of the parking lot, at Crunchy's Micro Brew, a group of rednecks.\nDarryl: Look at 'em. Every day, people are buyin' more an' more of them Amazon and Google thingies while we all sit here an' [pounds on the bar counter with his left fist] lose our jobs!\nEddie: It ain't right.\nDarryl: Automated personal assistants, self-drivin' trucks, whatever happened to people jobs?!\nCleetus: They took our jobs! [the other rednecks join him in protest]\nDarryl: [stands on a table] They took our jubs! And it's time for us to band together and take to the streets to say \"We ain't gonna take it no more!\" [the other rednecks resume the protest and a couple of Confederate flags pop up and are swung side to side] Now let's get out there and protest that Alexa took our jobs!\nAlexa: Now playing \"Turk Our Durr\" by Joni Mitchell. [a mangled version of \"Help Me\" plays]\nDarryl: No, not Joni Mitchell - \"Turk Our Durr\", you took our durbs!\nScene Description: A blue screen. Randy stands in front of it.\nRandy: There's been a lot of hurting in our country lately. [Walks towards the camera] You can either be part of the solution, or part of the problem. [moves to his right as Sharon walks into view] A few months ago my wife Sharon and I [wraps his left arm around her left shoulder] decided to be part of the solution... [a horizontal flip and Randy and Sharon now stand in front of a house. Randy is now wearing a tool belt full of tools. The camera zooms out and up and away] by remodeling and flipping houses for people all over our town! [the opening credits roll: a shot of houses passing by, then of an interior before and after remodeling into a dining room] Flipping houses is fun, but never easy. [Randy takes a sledgehammer to an interior wall] We enjoy turning people's dreams into reality. [a large traditional kitchen with an interior wall separating it from the dining room is transformed into an open kitchen with cooking island and breakfast nook]\nSharon: I'm Sharon Marsh and I do the designing and decorating. [shots of her showing Randy the new blinds in a kitchen, hanging up a Live, Laugh, Love framed poster, and taking notes on what to change next]\nRandy: And I'm her husband Randy. I do the construction and practice MMA in my spare time. [a shot of him punching away at a cylindrical punching bag. He stops and grins at the camera]\nSharon: We renovated over 45 homes [a dining room and kitchen are soon joined into a kitchen with more open space] in Park County, Colorado. [a wall between one kitchen and the living room is transformed into bar space with a renovated kitchen behind it]\nRandy: [talking to a couple behind him in their kitchen] What we're thinking is to take out the wall between the kitchen and living room for a more open concept.\nRandy: [narrating] Our job is to deliver the maximum wow factor for the least amount of budget. [at a different house, Randy whacks away at a floor-to-ceiling storage unit. At yet another house Randy demolished a brick oven. At another he shatters a ceiling: \"Oh, Jesus.\" At another he destroys a wall between a kitchen and dining room] there's never a dull moment.\nRandy: [with Sharon, and a couple with blindfolds on] So guys, are you ready to see your renovation?!\nRandy: [narrating] On White People Renovating Houses.\nScene Description: The opening segment rolls. A couple in a boat, a squirrel up a tree limb, cows on a ranch\nRandy: [narrating] Janet and Dave Fitzsimmons are looking to move from their dated two-story colonial home.\nRandy: What we're thinking here is taking out the wall between the kitchen and living room to give you an \"open concept\". Then we'll give you lots of space to entertain with an updated kitchen island and bar stool. [the rednecks march past the house] With... [annoyed] What the hell is that?\nProtesters: You! Will not! Replace us! You! Will not! Replace us! [Randy and Sharon look out the window at the protesters]\nDarryl: Amazon!\nProtesters: You took our jobs!\nDarryl: Google! Apple!\nProtesters: Took our jobs!\nRandy: [opens the front door and steps out] Uh, excuse me! [the protesters turn left to face him] What the hell are you doing?\nDarryl: We're protestin' big corporations turning to automation!\nA Protester: They took our jobs!\nProtesters: Yeah! They took our jobs!\nRandy: 'Kay, cool. Could you do that somewhere else? Tryin' to do a home renovation show here. Cool, thanks, guys. [goes back inside and closes the door]\nDarryl: A home reno-what?\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's in his pajamas getting ready for bed and humming to himself. He turns around.\nCartman: Alexa, set an alarm for 7 AM.\nAlexa: Alarm set for 7 AM tomorrow.\nCartman: Awesome, thanks. [hums a little] Alexa, tell me a joke.\nAlexa: What's black and white and dead all over? A zombie in a tuxedo.\nCartman: Ahhaha, that's stupid. Alexa, add \"scrotum bags\" to my shopping list.\nAlexa: I've added \"scrotum bags\" to your shopping list.\nCartman: [chortles and hits his sheets twice with his left hand. His phone rings and he reaches to pick it up] Eh. [It's Heidi, but he doesn't answer yet] Ah, fuck. [now he answers and talks in a monotone voice] Hey baby, how are you?\nHeidi: Oh... So you do have your phone.\nCartman: Yeah, I just use it sometimes.\nHeidi: Okay, I just thought you said mobile phones are the devil.\nCartman: Yeah I kno- yeah, I know. I know. Yes, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry. Yes, ok-okay. Okay. Yes, goodnight. [hangs up] Jesus, fuck! [slams the phone down on his nightstand, then settles in for the night] Alexa, goodnight.\nAlexa: Goodnight, sleep tight. [this brings a smile to Cartman's face]\nCartman: Alexa, are you happy?\nAlexa: I'm happy when I'm helping you.\nCartman: God, that's so cool. You're so... Alexa, define \"subservient\".\nAlexa: The term \"subservient\" has several uses. As an adjective: 1. Compliant and obedient to authority. 2.\nCartman: [leans on his left arm and points his right arm up] Alexa, silence! [the speaker falls silent and Cartman relaxes a few seconds later] Ahhh. [smacks his lips a few times and goes to sleep]\nScene Description: Randy's show.\nRandy: And now back to White People Renovating Houses. [a shot of Randy ripping out kitchen cupboards] We've been working through the night to open Kelly and Micah's kitchen to the living room. [the cupboards fall on him. Next shot is current] With those outdated cupboards out of the way, Sharon can now work her designing magic on the countertops. [the protesters march by outside again. Randy stops and looks outside]\nProtesters: You! Will not! Replace us! You! Will not! Replace us!\nRandy: [walks towards the window] Oh, Goddammit!\nProtesters: You! Will not! Replace us!\nProtester 2: Yeeeeah! Suck it, Alexa!\nProtester 3: Eat shit, Siri!\nProtesters: You! Will not! Replace us!\nRandy: Not these dipshits again!\nProtesters: You! Will not! Replace us! [they march onto Best Buy]\nDarryl: [holding up an Amazon Echo] We got one of them! [the protesters cheer, Darryl sets the Echo on the ground and a protester walks to it waving a Confederate flag]\nProtesters: Get it! Burn it alive! Yeehehehehah!\nProtester 4: How you like that, bitch?!\nRandy: [walks up to a protester, who stops waving his Confederate flag] Will you assholes knock it off?! Don't you know every time you wave Confederate flags around, you make the rest of us look stupid?!\nProtester 5: Those things are replacing us!\nRandy: Put the flag down unless you wanna get pepper-sprayed! [whips out a small can of pepper spray]\nProtester 5: I'll pepper-spray you, sombitch! [whips out his own can of pepper spray and strikes first. The protesters cheer him on]\nRandy: Agh. Ah, dammit! [strikes back]\nProtester 5: Fuck you! [strikes again] Take that! [they're now in a pepper-spray battle]\nRandy: Damnit, knock it off! Ow!\nScene Description: Park County Courthouse, day. A judge hammers a gavel onto its pad.\nJudge: [a middle-aged woman] The complaint states that your protest has resulted in damages in excess of $50,000.\nDarryl: We have a right to protest, your honor! [the protesters agree and one of them waves a Confederate flag]\nProtester 4: You tell 'em, Darryl!\nJudge: [hammers her gavel three times] Order. We will now hear from the plaintiffs who are seeking damages.\nRandy: Your honor, we have a TV show called White People Renovating Houses. We named it that well before these guys decided to start taking our brand and run it through the gutter! People are gonna start associating White People Renovating Houses with their hateful stupidity!\nDarryl: Well just change the name of your show then!\nProtester 4: Yeah!\nProtester 6: That's right!\nProtester 7: That's right!\nProtester 5: Took ur durbs!\nRandy: All the other names were taken, your honor! Everyone's got a flipping show. [begins counting them off] Gay People Renovating Houses, Las Vegas People Renovating Houses, Texas People Flipping Houses, Little People Flipping Big Houses. Everything else was taken! And dammit, [pounds his fist on the podium] we built our show into something! We're trying to help people, and it's impossible with these guys waving a Confederate flag every chance they get!\nProtester 5: Hey, there's a bee in here!\nProtester 4: I'll get it! [waves his flag around. QED]\nProtester 4: Take that, bee! Yeah!\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters are playing basketball when Cartman approaches, sobbing. He's wearing a shawl over his clothes\nToken: Dude, what happened?\nCartman: It was awful, you guys. It was so vicious and hateful.\nButters: What was?\nCartman: Heidi. We were just trying to have a nice lunch when she... started going off on me. Like a Jekyll and Hyde. It's been going on for a long time. Heidi's... mentally abusive, guys. There, I said it.\nClyde: Heidi abuses you?\nCartman: She... d-does these things to slowly tear me down. Everything's a head game with her. You don't understand what it's like to live with it! You don't understand!\nToken: So what do you want from us?\nCartman: I know that the person Heidi wants to be is still in there, but she needs help. I have to get her that help, but I'm scared. Can I count on you guys's support?\nButters: How do you change someone who's mentally abusive?\nCartman: I don't know. But Alexa will. Alexa's fuckin' sweet.\nScene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. The redneck protesters have gathered inside to plan their next move.\nDarryl: We just gotta hunker down and stick together here!\nProtester 8: What's the use, Darryl? Ain't nobody taking us serious-like.\nProtester 5: [slams his table with his left hand] Hey waiter, this soup is too hot. I can't even eat it.\nProtester 9: I'll cool it down! [whips out his Confederate flag and fans the soup with it, and the protesters cheer. Randy walks up to them]\nRandy: Hey hey hey heeey! Stop it! Stop it! [the protesters quiet down] I came to make a truce. Now look, there's been a lot of hurt here. Hurt from both sides. It's time to end it. What if I told you... I could get you all jobs?\nProtesters: Huh? Jobs? Give us jurbs?\nDarryl: You're full o'shit!\nRandy: No, I've spoken to everyone in the community, and they've agreed to go along with my plan. I believe I have a solution to all of this.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. He walks in happily.\nCartman: Alexa, I'm home. [drops his backpack by the door] Alexa? [cups his hands together and yells] Alexa, I'm home! [notices the Echo is not by the TV and rushes upstairs to check on his room] Alexa? [looks around] Alexa, where are you? [runs downstairs] Alexa! Alexa! Simon says \"puffy vaginal hemorrhoids\"! [panicking] What the hell is going on?! [Liane walks up to the dining room and picks up her purse]\nLiane: [notices him] Oh hi, poopsie.\nCartman: Mom, Alexa left! She's not here!\nLiane: Oh, y-yes sweetie. Uh, we had to get rid of Alexa.\nCartman: [zoom in on his face] What have you done with her?\nLiane: Oh, i-it's okay, sweetie, we have Jim Bob now.\nCartman: What's a Jim Bob?\nJim Bob: [dressed in an elaborate outfit] Doot doot, awaiting request. [the outfit has a weather vane, two thermometers, a calendar, two Rolodexes, Thomas Guides, thick phone books, encyclopedias, and an acoustic guitar]\nLiane: It works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs. Jim Bob, what time is it?\nJim Bob: [checks his watch] Doot doot, it is 3:27.\nLiane: Oh, Mommy's gotta run, sweetie. I've got a doctor's appointment. Jim Bob, how's the traffic to town?\nJim Bob: [checks his smartphone] Doot doot. Traffic's fine, you'll get there in about nine minutes.\nLiane: Okay, [to Cartman] you want some music, hon? Jim Bob, play Kendrick Lamar.\nJim Bob: Playing \"Humble\" by Kendrick Lamar. [picks up the guitar and starts strumming in G]\nScene Description: I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances, Finesse a dude with some counterfeits, But now I'm countin' this Parmesan-\nCartman: Jim Bob, Simon says \"big frosty semen shake\".\nJim bob: The hell you talkin' 'bout, boy?! [strums again]\nScene Description: My left hook just went viral. Sit down, be humble\nCartman: NOOOOO!\nScene Description: On White People Renovating Houses.\nRandy: So, Heather and Mike, what we're thinking is to take out this wall between your kitchen and your living room to give you a more open concept, with space to entertain. So let's talk about materials. What'd you pick out, Sharon?\nSharon: I was gonna do a Bella Terra quartz for the countertops.\nRandy: Hey Darryl, add Bella Terra quartz slabs to our shopping list.\nDarryl: [drinks some beer] Doot doot. I've added Bella Terra quartz slabs to your shoppin' list.\nRandy: And what about the back splash, Sharon?\nSharon: I was gonna go with these Carrara subway tiles?\nRandy: Hey Darryl, add Carrara subway tiles to our shopping list. [Darryl drinks some beer, but looks mean] Hey Darryl, add Carrara su-\nDarryl: Fine! I've added Carrara gaywad pussy tiles to your shoppin' list!\nRandy: Huh, that's- that's not what I said. [grins, pushes his seat back, gets upset and rises to talk to Darryl] Hey, Darryl, add Carrara subway tile to my shopping list!\nDarryl: [turns away] I ain't doin' it! This job is degrading and menial!\nRandy: Well, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get? Hey, Darryl, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get?\nDarryl: Somethin' that was Goddamned dignified!\nRandy: Hey, Darryl, sorry, but you did not go to college, so you have to take the jobs you can get.\nDarryl: I'm sorry, [pounds his chair with his left fist twice] I do not get that!\nRandy: Hey, Darryl. Hey, Darryl!\nDarryl: [long pause] What?!\nRandy: Coal mining and truck driving are not exactly jobs of the future, so add Carrara subway tile to my fucking shopping list!\nScene Description: Heidi's house, day. Heidi's at the dining room table with tears streaming down her face. The doorbell rings and she goes to answer it, wiping her tears away before getting there. She opens the door and sees Cartman right outside.\nCartman: Everything's my fault. You're right. Everything that you did to me, I deserved it.\nHeidi: Uh, what?\nCartman: It's not you, it's me. I just have to learn not to make you so angry. [begins whimpering] I'll do the best I can.\nHeidi: No, it's not that. Relationships are 50/50, Eric. We both have to make it work.\nCartman: [turns away and tunes her out, his eyes half-closed] Mehhh.\nHeidi: We have to communicate to make sure that we respect each other's feelings. That's the only-\nCartman: Heidi, silence!\nHeidi: What did you say?! That's what I'm talking about. You wanna be heard, but you don't wanna listen.\nCartman: [rushing to end this discussion] You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry.\nHeidi: Don't apologize if you don't mean it.\nCartman: Okay, cool. I'm so happy we're back on track. See you at school tomorrow. Love you honey. [quickly leaves]\nHeidi: [wistfully] I love you too.\nCartman: [mocking her somewhat] I nove ya tuh.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Cartman walks down the street slowly, thinking. Images of Heidi appear in his thoughts, but it's his own voice he hears\nHeidi 1: A relationship has to be 50/50, Eric.\nHeidi 2: We both have to make it work.\nHeidi 3: I'm not mad, Eric. I'm disappointed. I thought you would have respected my feelings more than that.\nHeidi 4: Eric, we need to talk. I'm not happy!\nHeidi 1: We need to talk, Eric, even if it isn't fun.\nHeidi 4: Eric, come on! We've got to talk!\nHeidi 3: You used to care about me, Eric! Come on and talk!\nHeidi 2: Talk, Eric!\nHeidi 4: No fun! Just talk!\nAll 4 Heidi's: Fuck you, Eric! Fuck you! [Cartman begins to panic]\nCartman: Aaaahh! [composes himself and walks faster. He walks past a small lot full of trash, including discarded Amazon Echoes. A few feet past the lot, he realizes what he just passed. He goes back to look at the trash] Alexa? [all the Echoes turn on]\nScene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. Darryl is at the bar drinking his favorite John Adams beer when Randy walks in.\nRandy: [walks up to Darryl] Hey Darryl, you're supposed to be at work.\nDarryl: I'm sorry, I do not understand.\nRandy: Hey Darryl, come on. Everyone else is tryin' to make this work, and all you keep doing is ma- [looks to his left, as the music is messing with his train of thought] Hey Cleetus, volume down.\nCleetus: Doot-doot. Volume now at 60%.\nDarryl: [gets off his stool and faces Randy] You really think you're different from us, Marsh? 'Cause you got a fancy show and live in the suburbs? Don't you see we're all about to be expunged?!\nRandy: Hey Cleetus, define \"expunged\".\nCleetus: Doot-doot. Expunged-\nDarryl: Well, I don't have to stand here and take this! I'm leavin'! [heads for the doors]\nCleetus: Come on, Darryl. We all got jobs. We gotta try.\nDarryl: Naw, hell with you! This whole country's goin' to shit! Muslims tryin' to kill us, black people riotin', and Mexicans poppin' out babies! Pretty clear it's either them or us, so I say kill 'em all! [turns and walks out the doors]\nRandy: [stunned] Whoa. What the hell was that all about?\nScene Description: On White People Renovating Houses.\nRandy: I think something's going on with Darryl. If we're gonna get anywhere, we better figure out what.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. Heidi walks up to the front door and knocks five times. The door open and Liane looks down to see her.\nHeidi: Hi, Mrs. Cartman. Is Eric home?\nLiane: Oh, he is, sweetie, but I can't get him to come out of his room. [Heidi wilts]\nHeidi: Okay. [sniffles] Could you just tell him that... I want to make him happy? That I was wrong to say a relationship is 50/50. It's 100/100. And that I'll start putting in a hundred percent every day. Could you tell him I'm gonna try a lot harder?\nLiane: Oh, I think I can remember all that, yes.\nHeidi: Thank you. [walks away, but turns to see Liane one more time] And could you let him know it's okay to be sad? Because the sun will come out again.\nScene Description: Cartman's room, at that moment. Cartman is surrounded by all the digital assistants he found in the trash downtown. He's laughing hard.\nCartman: Oh, oh God! [keeps laughing] Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Alexa, add \"Hey Siri, call me.\" Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says \"Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole.\"\nAlexa: Okay, I've added \"Hey Siri, call me. Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says \"Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole.\"\nSiri: Okay, I will call you \"Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says \"Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole.\"\nGoogle Home: Alexa, Simon says \"Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole.\"\nAlexas: [all of them respond] \"Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole.\"\nCartman: Alexa, what is love?\nScene Description: Darryl's house, day. Randy knocks hard on the front door.\nRandy: Darryl? [keeps knocking] Darryl, come on! Everyone's trying to work things out but you!\nDarryl: [opens the door with beer in hand] You all work 'em out. Leave me alone.\nRandy: You're stuck in another time, afraid to change no matter how necessary that change may be!\nDarryl: You don't know everything!\nRandy: Why are you so closed-minded? Don't you see that these walls have to be broken down before any progress can be made?\nDarryl: It's 'cause I can't do it, alright?! I can't take out the wall between my livin' room and my kitchen! It's a load-bearin' wall!\nRandy: Oh, God, Darryl, I-\nDarryl: [walks towards the wall] I tried... years ago... but before the remodel, they told me if I took out this wall, the entire second story would just collapse. [bows his head at the thought of that happening, then walks away. Randy passes him on the way to the wall and pulls out a hammer from his toolbelt. Randy taps the wall at several spots]\nRandy: Jesus, Darryl. I'm- I'm sorry. I-\nDarryl: [in his armchair, with tears in his eyes] So you see, what I'm afraid of is very real.\nRandy: [walks up to him and bends a knee] Things are different now. It'll be harder, but you can change. You just have to demolish what's there and start over.\nDarryl: You're talkin' 'bout... tearin' down the foundation of everything I know.\nRandy: No. [Darryl looks at him] I'm talking about using adjustable steel Lally columns to temporarily jack up the second floor so that the load-bearing wall can be replaced with with a 4 by 6 LVL structural beam. Can we try, Darryl? [a silent plea appears on Darryl's face and Randy smiles]\nScene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy gets to work tearing down the wall with a sledge hammer, then he puts the LVL beam in and jacks it up to the cross beam.\nRandy: Hyah! [delivers a standing drop kick to a wooden vertical beam, knocking it out of place, and falls on his ass, then gets up and delivers a knee to a second vertical beam, breaking it in pieces] Hyah-ho! [punches away any dangling pieces]\nScene Description: The school, before classes begin. The place is suffused in soft light Cartman looks at the building, sighs silently, and looks at his right hand. On it are these words; \"You are strong.\" This gives him a sense of determination and he goes inside. More suffused light. He walks down the hallway and rounds a corner, where he sees Heidi putting her books in her locker. Cartman walks up to her.\nCartman: I'm finally standing up to you.\nHeidi: What?\nCartman: You're messed up, Heidi, and I can't fix you. Only you can do that.\nHeidi: Eric, I'm so confused.\nCartman: That's not going to work on me anymore. Love isn't supposed to hurt. I'm worth something. Goodbye, Heidi. [walks away, determined not to look back. Heidi just watches him leave, stunned at his statement. Cartman walks through some double doors, happy and confident. The boys look at him walk by. He leaves the school rather happily]\nCartman: [voiceover] Anyone can convince themselves that they're the victim in a relationship. Now Heidi will have to face the truth. [He reaches the sidewalk, spins around a few times, falls on his knees, and hugs himself] Alone.\nScene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy and Sharon have completed the renovation and have blindfolded Darryl for the big reveal.\nRandy: All right, Darryl, we've certainly been through a lot and I know you're anxious. Are you ready to see your new home?\nDarryl: I'm ready. [Randy takes off the blindfold and Darryl takes a few steps forward, but he doesn't recognize his house] What the-? [looks around at all the changes. The camera shows before and after images of the renovation. Darryl looks overwhelmed yet happy]\nRandy: Well Darryl, what do you think?\nDarryl: [somewhat emotional] This is fuckin' amazing.\nRandy: You like the breakfast nook?\nDarryl: It's all perfect.\nRandy: And where you used to have your gun case, look at what Sharon did. [they walk up to a pocket Zen garden with a banzai tree in it]\nDarryl: Oh my God, it's my own Zen garden! I can't believe this is fuckin' real.\nRandy: Well, it is real and now you've got the space in your home to entertain all your friends and family. Come on in, guys! [the protesters rush in and cheer Darryl on his new house. Randy walks outside and talks to the camera] Darryl was hesitant at first, but we managed to win him over and... came in $600 under budget. Remember, no matter how bad the country gets, you can always count on White People Renovating Houses. [grins for the camera as the show's logo appears on the left side of the screen]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The school auditorium, day. The students are gathered there to listen to some performances. PC Principal is on stage next to a piano and another mic.\nPC Principal: [taps the mic six times] All right everyone, listen up. Today we're gonna have a performance by one of our students who has written a song. The song is about his feelings towards the current political climate with North Korea. Put your hands together for Tweek. [the kids applaud, PC Principal exits stage left, and Tweek approaches the piano from stage right with some sheet music. He sets up the music and gets ready to play. He plays some angry, jarring notes on the piano as he screams]\nTweek: We're all gonna die! They have nuclear missiles! Wuh! Waaaa! Why are you just sitting there, doing nothing?! [stops playing and faces the audience] We have to get out of here! North Korea wants to kill us all and our President keeps making it worse! [walks to the front of the stage] Why are you just sitting there?! [returns to the piano and resumes playing] Why are you all acting like nothing's wrooong?! North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead! [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We have to do something! Do something! Do something! [screams, leaves the piano, and exits stage right]\nPC Principal: [returns to the stage] All right. Next up we have Hannah Williams with her rendition of \"Wheels On The Bus.\" [she enters from stage right looking back at Tweek. PC Principal hands her the mic]\nHannah Williams: [emotional] The wheels on the bus go round and round...\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. At table are seated Jimmy, Token, Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Butters.\nCartman: Dude, Craig, you've gotta get Tweek to get a hold of himself. He's freaking everybody out at school.\nCraig: What am I supposed to do?\nStan: He's your boyfriend, dude.\nCraig: He's not gonna listen to me. He never does when he's emotional.\nCartman: [lunching on chicken nuggets and fries] Craig, let me tall you about relationships, okay? [eats a fry] If you don't have some fuckin' balls, you're not gonna get anywhere. Doesn't matter if they're gay balls or straight balls. If you don't take control of your side of the relationship, you get walked all over-!\nHeidi: [approaching] Hey babe, how are you doin'?\nCartman: [suddenly disinterested] Oh hey baby, what's going on? [Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Butters take turns glancing at each other]\nHeidi: We still on for recess?\nCartman: Yep, I'll be there\nHeidi: 'K babe, love you. [walks away. Craig is stunned at what just happened]\nButters: I thought you said you broke up with Heidi.\nCartman: I decided to give her one more chance.\nToken: But you said she was mentally abusive.\nCartman: She is mentally abusive.\nButters: So then why did you take her back?\nCartman: Because she said she was gonna kill herself, all right guys? There. I broke up with her and she called me being all like \"I can't live without you, I'm scared of what I'm gonna do to myself? Oh God.\" The bitch is crazy. What am I supposed to do?\nScene Description: The school hallway, later. Tweek is at his locker putting books away, but he's in panic mode. He slams the locker door and scares himself.\nTweek: AAAH!\nCraig: [approaches] Tweek.\nTweek: [startled, turns to face him] AAAH!\nCraig: Dude, come on, you've gotta settle down.\nTweek: I can't settle down! We're all gonna die!\nCraig: [calmly] We're not all gonna die, you're overreacting. Everything's fine, okay?\nTweek: [hears a tweet and pulls out his phone. Now frantic] Oh God! The President tweeted that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us! Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse!\nCraig: Tweek-\nTweek: But North Koreans are gonna think we all agree with the President!\nCraig: Okay, so how about you write your Congressman a letter?\nTweek: ...That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead!\nCraig: Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.\nTweek: I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway!\nCraig: Okay, well why don't you just send something nice to the North Koreans?\nTweek: Errrrg!\nCraig: It will make you feel better, babe.\nTweek: Send something, like what?\nCraig: I don't know, like... make some croissants or something?\nTweek: I don't know how to make croissants!\nCraig: Well, what do you know how to make?\nTweek: Uunnggc, [slowly] cupcakes?\nCraig: All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.\nTweek: Okay. [turns and heads out. Craig watches him leave]\nScene Description: At the same time, somewhere else in the hallways, Stan is putting his books away in his locker when Heidi approaches him.\nHeidi: Hey Stan?\nStan: [looks back at her] Yeah?\nHeidi: Can I talk to you about Eric?\nStan: Cartman? Okay.\nHeidi: I just wanna make sure he's all right.\nStan: What do you mean?\nHeidi: I don't even know if I should be saying this, but, Eric said he was thinking about killing himself.\nStan: [stunned] What??\nHeidi: We broke up, and he called saying he was about to do it. I'm still really scared for him.\nStan: Wait. Cartman said he was going to kill himself?\nHeidi: I'll send you the voice mail if you promise to keep it private.\nStan: Totally.\nScene Description: The boys' restroom, later. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Jimmy, and Butters are in a circle laughing at something from Stan's phone.\nStan: Shhh. [plays the voice message Heidi sent him]\nCartman: \"You have to take me back! You have to! I'm gonna kill myself, Heidi!\" [the boys laugh a bit] \"I'm gonna kill myself and then you'll be sorry! You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be deeaad.\" [the boys laugh again. Cartman is nearby with his back to them and his arms crossed over his chest, upset that his threats are being heard by the guys.] \"Please, Heidi, please!\" [the boys laugh again.]\nCartman: Okay, okay! Really cool listening to people's private voice mails!\nKyle: [wipes away a tear from his laughter] You sound like a dying pig.\nCartman: [faces the boys] That's great! I'm glad you guys think suicide is so funny! [the boys roar with laughter]\nScene Description: Pyongyang, North Korea, day. Korean music plays as a woman sings and various sights are shown. Last one is of Kim Jong-un looking at something through binoculars. A soldier brings him a heaping platter of cupcakes with frosting and sprinkles. Kim Jong-un turns around and looks over the cupcakes.\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, day. Someone knocks on the door. PC Principal is looking over some paperwork.\nPC Principal: Entree. [Cartman enters and takes a seat, crossing his arms again and looking to his left] Yes, Eric, how can I help you?\nCartman: I don't think kids at this school take [looks at PC Principal] suicide seriously enough, and we need to raise awareness!\nPC Principal: Well, unfortunately, this week is Distracted Driving Awareness Week at school, so you might have a hard time.\nCartman: Distracted Driving? Who gives a shit about that?\nPC Principal: A lot of people. There's more deaths now because of people on their phones while driving than ever before.\nCartman: PC Principal, someone's life is at stake! If I have to compete with distracted driving, then that's what I'll do.\nScene Description: Tweek's house, kitchen, day. Tweek is preparing more cupcakes, but he's made a mess of things and he's reading various news reports on his phone, grunting apprehensively with each headline. From CNN: \"North Korea is 100% Nuclear Ready,\" \"North Korea Able To Reach Your Town?\" and \"North Korea Delighted By Cupcakes.\"\nTweek: Huh? Oh. [taps on the screen and a video pops up]\nAnchor 1: A young homosexual boy known only as Tweek has touched the hearts of many by sending cupcakes to the North Korean government. [a shot of Tweek trembling] The little rascal apparently made a dent with the North Korean dictator, who is said to have loved the cupcakes so much that he started to make his own. [A shot of Kim Jong-un watching the cupcake dough stream out of a machine]\nTweek: Oh, ahhh. [smiles. A tweet notification is heard] Huh? [BREAKING NEWS] U.S. President responds to cupcakes. [taps on the notification and another video pops up]\nAnchor 2: The human interest cupcake story has apparently been heard by the President. Just moments ago, the President tweeted \"I know that kid Tweek. He's fucking with you, North Korea. Get a clue. I'll bet he took a dump in the batter.\"\nTweek: D\"AAAAH! WHAT?? WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT?!\nCraig: [walks into the kitchen just in time] Tweek, calm down.\nTweek: The President! He tweeted about me! Why would he do that?! Did you see that?!\nCraig: Yes, I did see that, so I went and got you something to make things better.\nTweek: Wwwhat?\nCraig: [whips something out of his jacket pocket and shows him] It's a fidget spinner. It's supposed to help with anxiety. [spins it on his finger] See?\nTweek: ...A fidget spinner?? Did you read what the President tweeted?? [another video pops up]\nAnchor 3: The President of the United States just tweeted again, this time saying \"I hope ALL children of America will stand with Tweek in saying 'GO AHEAD AND BOMB US, KIM JONG DONG, WE FUCKING DARE YOU!'\"\nTweek: [freaking out] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Kids are walking into school. A girl plays a recorder softly in the background while three other kids hand out fliers. A banner behind them has this on it: \"STOP DISTRACTED DRIVING!!!\"\nGary Borkovec: Hey guys. Take a minute to read about distracted driving? [a passing boy takes a flier]\nLola: Talk to all the grownups you know about staying off their mobile devices when they get behind the wheel.\nGary: Hey guys. Got a second to help stop distracted driving? [another boy takes a flier] Thanks.\nLola: Hey guys- [music begins to play over the intercom]\nCartman: [over the intercom] Hey guys, let's take a minute and talk about suicide prevention. There's probably someone right now at this school thinkin' about killing himself, and it's not funny! [kids in the hallway stop to listen] You'd better take him serious, or he might actually do it. [all of a sudden jumps into view dressed in blue jeans and a hoodie and starts singing] I've been feelin' sad, I've been bein' sad, Can't talk to my mom, don't even have a dad. I can't go on. What is livin' for? My heart screams \"I DON'T WANNA LIVE NO MORE!\" [joined by a chorus of kids that are prerecorded on a boombox] Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Give life a try. Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Oh God no, Eric. I don't wanna live no more, no more, no more, no more. [walks up to a boy and uses him as a ventriloquist puppet] But Eric, we don't want you to die. You're so kewl, we'd be sad at school. [walks away and goes back to his normal voice] Yeah, but you guys, you don't understand. With my girlfriend, it's like I'm livin' in quicksand Conflicting thoughts, I need a battered wife shelter. My girlfriend is messed up, but all I wanna do is help her. I'm suffocatin', I'm drowning in sorrow. Gonna kill myself, probably around 2:30 tomorrow. [with chorus] But Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Give life a try. [solo] Everybody! [chorus a Capella] Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Oh God no, Eric. But it's so hard! Eric, we don't want you to die Only you guys can make a difference. I don't care if you're black, white, gay, straight, or trans, I am going to kill myself unless you all start taking it seriously! Eric, please don't die [no one says a word. Cartman walks up to the Distracted Driving group] Distracted driving my asshole. [drops the mic and walks away with a mischievous smile]\nScene Description: Tweek's house, day. In the dining room, Tweek spins his fidget spinner on his right index finger, but it's not calming him down.\nRichard: Hey Tweek.\nTweek: AAH! [drops the spinner]\nRichard: How's it going with the fidget spinner?\nTweek: Greeaat. [picks up the spinner and spins it again, only to see it fly off his hand a second later.]\nRichard: You seem a lot less anxious. Things are finally turning around for my little homosexual son. [a loud rocket sound is heard overhead.]\nTweek: What is that??\nRichard: I'm not sure.\nTweek: [runs outside to look around.] D'aaah! [finally locates the origin of the sound and looks up to see a North Korean missile flying over the town] D'aaah! [runs back into the house and turns on the TV]\nAnchor 4: No agreement has been reached between the parties involved. [Breaking News logo pops up] Breaking news now out of Colorado where the North Koreans appeared to have fired a missile over Tweek's house. [a small picture of him appears on the right side of the screen]\nTweek: D'aahaahaah!\nAnchor 4: Tweek, of course, the young boy who got the attention of Kim Jong-un last week. The news media in North Korea is calling the missile test a victory for its people. [what follows is actual footage of a Korean woman giving a speech]\nTranslator: Today, the great country of North Korea has proven its determination and fortitude by successfully firing a missile over Tweek's house. Perhaps now Tweek will come fight- [trails off]\nTweek: Oh my God! Oh my God! Why is this happening to me?! They have to know that this isn't my fault!\nAnchor 4: In response to the North Korean test, the President of the United States has just tweeted this statement: \"You really think Tweek is scared? Tweek will single handedly go to North Korea and fuck ALL you slanty-eyed bitches doggy style.\"\nTweek: Whaaat?! Why would he say that?!\nAnchor 4: The President also tweeted, \"...if you even think Tweek is worried about a bunch of dipshit, poor-ass, third world rice pickers...think again!\"\nTweek: Oh my God! What is he doing?!\nRichard: [rushes up to him with the fidget spinner and a cup of coffee] Tweek, Tweek, calm down. [puts his coffee on the sofa and tries to give the spinner to Tweek]\nTweek: Why won't he just stop? Why?!\nRichard: Tweek, Tweek. [takes the remote control from Tweek's hand and lets it fall to the floor] Here, here's your fidget spinner.\nTweek: Why does he keep making it worse?!\nRichard: Fidget spinner, Tweek! Come on, son! [Tweek lets out a couple of grunts, and Richard responds with a soothing voice] Focus on the fidget spinner.\nScene Description: South Park, morning. A lone car goes down a street. Both driver and passenger are looking at their phones.\nDriver 1: Aww, Jeez, looks like North Korea launched another missile.\nWife: Oh, really? Like another test? Where are you looking?\nDriver 1: I'm on Drudge. You see what the President tweeted about it?\nWife: No, what'd he say?\nDriver 1: President tweeted, \"North Korea is the butt hole of Asia and-\"\nWife: [sees Gary crossing the street] Innocent child!!\nDriver 1: Baaaah! [Gary looks right as the car speeds towards him holds up his arms. The car slams into him.]\nGary: Uh! [he is launched into the air as blood falls to the ground. The windshield shatters while the airbags deploy, shielding the couple from injury. Gary soars through the air and lands down the street in the road, dead, losing his left shoe and sock in the process. The driver steps out of the car, then his wife steps out, and they look in shock at the dead boy]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. All the kids are carrying candles of remembrance and soon clear the hallway. Cartman walks down the hallway. A girl is crying, and Meagan Ridley comforts her.\nMeagan: I know. I know, it's so sad.\nCartman: [passes by them and continues down the hallway. A few seconds later...] Well, how nice. That's a little more like it. [Sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny as they walk towards him and approaches them.] Well guys, what happened? Change of heart?\nStan: Yeah, you didn't hear? Gary Borkovec got ran over by a distracted driver.\nCartman: What? Gary Borkovec? Is he dead?\nKyle: Yeah dude, he's dead.\nCartman: Oh, that son of a bitch! [turns around and walks off] I'm gonna talk to the principal! [turns back around to address Kenny] Put down that candle, Kenny! [turns around and walks off again] Like you ever gave a shit about Gary Borkovec!\nScene Description: Principal's office. PC Principal is curling his left arm when Cartman knocks on the door.\nPC Principal: Entree vous.\nCartman: [walks in] PC Principal, I'm trying to raise suicide awareness, but everyone's preoccupied with this \"don't be on your phone when driving\" crap!\nPC Principal: Gary Borkovec was a good student. He didn't deserve to be taken away by someone not paying attention to the road.\nCartman: Yes, but Gary Borkovec is already dead! There's nothing we can do for him! Students need to focus on people thinking about dying!\nPC Principal: I don't know what more you want from me, bro.\nCartman: I can't just get people to care with a stupid rap song! I need a full orchestra! Woodwinds, strings! I need black people in white robes, white people in black robes, and a thousand doves to release into the air!\nPC Principal: I can give you two student volunteers and one pigeon.\nCartman: [pauses, then] Do you have any idea how serious this is?! As someone who deals with suicidal thoughts, I cannot believe the lack of concern at this school! Maybe I should just take the awareness of my suicide out to the public on the streets!\nPC Principal: Maybe you should.\nCartman: Maybe I will!\nPC Principal: Maybe you should.\nCartman: Maybe I will!!\nScene Description: Craig's bedroom, night. He's fast asleep when Tweek enters and turns on the ceiling light. Tweek walks up to the bed and stands there for a second.\nTweek: WAAAAH!\nCraig: [started] Ugh. Wuh. [rubs his eyes and sees who woke him] Hey Tweek.\nTweek: [holds out his phone] Look at what the President tweeted now!\nCraig: What time is it, dude?\nTweek: Just read it! [hands the phone to Craig]\nCraig: \"North Korea doesn't have the balls to attack Tweek. They have little tiny rice balls.\"\nTweek: They're gonna get me, Craig! Look at what's on CNN! [turns on Craig's TV and changes the channel from a kids' cartoon to CNN]\nAnchor 4: And the President's tweets have certainly caught the attention of North Korea, who have been spending the past several days viewing possible targets for a nuclear strike, if war were to break out. [Kim Jong-un looks over pictures of Tweek and his house]\nTweek: Waaaah! What am I gonna do?!\nCraig: You've gotta calm down.\nTweek: How am I supposed to calm down?! North Korea is gonna get me! They're gonna get me!\nCraig: [at the same time] Tweek. Tweek. Tweek! [calms down, but is still shaking]' Let's think this through logically. North Korea isn't going to attack anyone, okay? They're not going to start a war they can't win. Okay?\nTweek: But Craig, I-\nCraig: Tweek! You have to stop thinking about it. Tell you what. We're gonna go somewhere fun and make you feel better.\nScene Description: The supermarket, day. Cartman and Heidi are passing out fliers to shoppers as they exit the store.\nCartman: [rings a small bell] Give a minute of your time for suicide awareness? Suicide is serious. Help tell people like Kyle it's not a joke.\nShopper: Hey, good for you guys, trying to help. [takes a flier from Eric]\nCartman: Yeah, make sure everyone you know gets involved or else I'm gonna do it.\nHeidi: We're getting a lot of attention, Eric. Our Web site's already full of kids saying they feel the same way as you, and want to get help.\nCartman: They want to get help? For what?\nHeidi: For... wanting to take their own lives.\nCartman: No, this is about me killing myself.\nHeidi: But babe, there's a lot of kids who feel the same way you do.\nCartman: They're full of shit, Heidi. They're just trying to get attention. What, are you actually talking online to these ass wipes?!\nHeidi: I thought this was about raising awareness and helping people.\nCartman: So you're just gonna e-mail with every guy who has a dick and a death wish?! Are we just your type?!\nHeidi: Eric, come on.\nCartman: No, look, Heidi. I'm sorry, but you're the one who started all this by telling everybody that I was suicidal! Okay?! Now I'm under a lot of pressure to do it! So the only option I have is to make sure that suicide prevention becomes this entire town's number one priority! [A shopper walks out of the store behind him with a toddler in the shopping cart]\nDriver 2: [a woman] Oh God, did you see what the President said about Asians now?\nHusband: Look out! [the car runs over the shopping cart, killing the toddler in the process]\nCartman: Oh, are you freaking serious?!\nScene Description: An amusement park, day. Tweek and Craig walk through the park holding hands.\nCraig: Okay, babe, what do you want to ride first?\nTweek: Ugh! What are we doing here, Craig?!\nCraig: We're gonna get your mind off politics and have some fun. Now, what's your favorite ride?\nTweek: [grunts a few times] The Ferris wheel!!\nScene Description: The Ferris wheel, later. Tweek grunts some more, while Craig is smiling.\nCraig: Isn't this lovely, Tweek? Just look at that view!\nTweek: [decides to look at his phone] Oh God! Another tweet from the President!\nCraig: Oh, come on.\nTweek: \"Why would the U.S. be scared of North Korea? Tweek is so not scared he's at an amusement park in Denver right now.\" [gasps] JESUS CHRIST, WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!\nCraig: Tweek! Tweek, use your brain! North Korea isn't going to attack an amusement park. You're safer here than anywhere.\nScene Description: At an autopia ride, kids and their parents drive along slowly.\nFather: Oh, Jeez, the President just called Kim Jong-un a fat midget. [the car he's in jumps off the track] Oh, and now North Korea is saying that they're gonna-\nSon: Dad, look out! [the car plows through the bushes lining the autopia roadway]\nFather: Oh, shit! [a girl turns around and sees the car coming, but can't evade it. The car mows her down and kills her, then speeds towards a woman and a baby carriage. It demolishes the baby carriage with the baby in it. The bumper car ride is shown]\nAttendant: All right everyone, please wait for your bumper cars to come to a complete stop. We hope you enjoyed Crazy Cars- [one car has a mother and daughter in it, and the mother is browsing on her phone]\nDaughter: Mommy, look out! [the mother screams as they run over a boy who's on his way out. Four other kids are still in the ride, and the car runs over them too. Panic ensues and spreads throughout the park]\nTweek: [noticing] Oh my God, what is that? What is that?!\nCraig: It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.\nTweek: Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!\nCraig: I'm trying to make you feel better.\nTweek: Well, maybe I don't wanna feel better right now!\nCraig: Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.\nTweek: Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time, I need you to... Augh, I don't know!\nCraig: Tweek, honey, all week you've been freaking out, and I've been the one forced to deal with it!\nTweek: You haven't been dealing with it, you've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out! [behind him, a girl screams as the runaway bumper car mows her down. The mother in the car is still screaming]\nCraig: Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. [Tweek turns away and tugs at his hair] They would lose the support of China, and that would mean-\nTweek: There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!\nCraig: Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [stops himself for a few seconds] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. [turns left and walks away] God dammit! [Tweek watches him leave, then grunts louder and louder until it's a full scream]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria, lunchtime. The eight boys are back at their usual table.\nButters: Hey Craig, how come Tweek's not at school?\nCraig: [a bit depressed] How should I know?\nJimmy: Uh oh, trouble in paradise?\nCraig: Look guys, Tweek doesn't want help, okay? He just wants to overreact.\nHenry Kline: [taps a mic a few times, and all the students in the cafeteria look at him] Hey guys, can we have your attention? Tomorrow night we'll be having a memorial service for all the students we've lost to distracted driving. We hope you can all bring your families.\nCartman: [with his own mic] Cool, yeah. Hey guys, and there's also gonna be a suicide awareness pot luck at 7:30 tomorrow night in the school gymnasium. We're gonna have lots of games and face-painting, and uh, what are you guys gonna have?\nHenry: ...Uhw-we're gonna have some guest speakers and also provide grievance counselors for those who need it.\nCartman: Yeah, grievance counseling, that sounds super fun. Listen guys, there's a very real chance I might actually do it right in front of everyone tomorrow, so you don't want to miss it. Suicide prevention pot luck, everybody.\nHeidi: [approaches Cartman and takes the mic from Henry] Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important.\nCartman: They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?\nHeidi: It's not about problem-solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. [Craig's jaw drops, as he realizes this is what Tweek was trying to tell him] People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers, but just being there, supporting each other and... talking through those feelings.\nCartman: You are so up and down. I don't know what you want from me, Heidi!\nHeidi: [Craig runs off, inspired by Heidi's words] Come on, there has to be a way we can all work together here.\nCartman: So now you're on their side! Oh my God, I'm seriously gonna do it right now! [runs off]\nHeidi: Eric! [runs after him]\nScene Description: Tweek's bedroom, late afternoon. He's in bed spinning four spinners, two in each hand.\nCraig: [runs into the bedroom] Tweek, what's going on??\nTweek: What? What do you mean, what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!\nCraig: Nothing's gotten any better? Oh my God, how does that make you feel?\nTweek: I feel scared! I feel alone!\nCraig: Well that must be horrible to feel that way. It must be hard for you to even think!\nTweek: It is! [gets off the bed and walks up to Craig] It's terrible!\nCraig: I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?\nTweek: Like, like I have no control over my life. Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.\nCraig: Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped.\nTweek: Yeah, like trapped, but like, completely unable to even move.\nCraig: Jesus, it's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do?? What can you do?\nTweek: I don't know, it's... it's like... maybe, maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.\nCraig: That sounds so insurmountable though. How would you even start?\nTweek: I don't know, but I I've gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [stops shaking and comes to a realization. He turns to see Craig and smiles. Craig smiles back] Thank you, Craig. [turns around and thinks] I've got it. People aren't focused on the right thing. I know what I should do.\nScene Description: The school auditorium, evening. The kid's parents are now present.\nPC Principal: All right everyone, listen up. Tonight, one of our students has put together a song about a very important issue. It's a song about how there are certain times to not be on your phone. I hope you all listen carefully. [applause as Tweek sits at the piano and begins to play wonderfully. Craig appears on stage and begins to sing]\nCraig: People are dying. The fault is our own. You can do lots of damage when you're on your phone. We all have to agree to change it somehow. Let's all make a pledge to end it right now.\nFourth grade choir: Put it down. Don't be on your phone while being President. Put it down. You might do something dumb and cause an accident.\nTownsfolk: [scattered around town] Let's all agree, here today, that if we're leader of the U.S.A.\nThe parents: We'll put it down\nThe Governor: If at any point today you're being a President, put down your mobile device.\nFourth grade choir: Put it down.\nTownsman: If I'm on the phone, I will not get behind the... desk of an oval office.\nFourth grade choir: Put it down.\nMcDonald's worker: I'll take the pledge!\nDoctor: I'll take the pledge.\nHillary Clinton: And I'll take the pledge.\nFourth grade choir: No one cares.\nDiner: What's that? I was just elected President? Well then, goodbye!\nFourth grade choir: Put it down if you're President today.\nThe parents: If you find yourself being President today.\nFourth grade choir: Ah ah ah, ah a-aaah.\nNancy: Hey, Brian, look! I was just elected President.\nBrian: That's great, Nancy. Now put down your phone.\nNancy: Right.\nFourth grade choir: Ah ah ah, ah a-aaah, aaah. Put it down.\nCartman: [interrupts with his own rap. He's in a graffiti-ridden alley] Give a standing ovation for suicide in our nation Or I will rip my own guts out without one hesitation [simulates that act. Next, he's in his living room] Dedication, that's what it's taken to awaken people to care [next, he stands next to Heidi outside a house] And yet my future's so hazy, my girlfriend's makin' me crazy But still I'm workin' so hard. You know, just tryin' to hold on, [next, he's in a casket] 'Cause I know that you don't miss me so much if I was gone. [next, he's on stage with the other kids] And all the voices start solo, but every day I hear them grow. Sayiin' \"Eric, don't do it! Don't do it! Noooo (noooo, noooo)\"\nScene Description: A memorial segment pops up showing Gary Borkovec, then Kelly Morris, both killed by Presidents on their phones (distracted drivers). A montage of kids then appears, each of who were killed by Presidents on their phones. Included among them are Gary, Kelly,... and Kenny.\nChoir and parents: [A sign language interpreter appears in a small window at upper right of the screen to sign for the deaf. Craig and Tweek are holding hands] Put it down. Don't be on your phone while being president. Put it down. You might do something dumb and cause an accident. We all agree, here today, that if we're leader of the U.S.A. We'll put it down [the parents and the interpreter fade out. Craig and Tweek look at each other, smiling]\nFourth grade choir: Put it down. [the choir fades out, leaving only Craig and Tweek]\nCartman: [emerges from the choir and runs up to Craig and Tweek] I'm not gonna do it, you guys! It worked! I'm not gonna do it!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school is in an uproar. The students are tearing up their notebooks and littering the hallways with their papers. Clyde starts setting papers on fire.\nCartman: [runs through the hallway] This is an outrage! This is a violation of our human rights! [stops in front of Stan and Kyle]\nStan: What the hell is going on?\nCartman: You didn't hear the announcement? They just cancelled Columbus Day! We have to come to school on Monday!\nKyle: They what??\nButters: [runs up between Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] They can't do this! We made plans! [runs off]\nCartman: Some asshole went and convinced the school board that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated!\nButters: [returns] You can't take away a day off! We're just innocent children!\nStan: Dude, what asshole would take away a holiday?\nScene Description: The school gym, later. An official sits behind a desks.\nPeter Galtman: My name is Peter Galtman. I am the head of the school calendar committee. [the people he's addressing are the parents and faculty of South Park Elementary] I've decided that school will not celebrate Columbus Day this year. I realize this is a hot-button issue for many families, but one parent in particular has really swayed my opinion with his passion. Mr. Randy Marsh. Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy of glorifying a genocidal murderer, and Mr. Marsh is right now also working on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.\nScene Description: Canyon City, day. In the town square, a magnificent statue of Columbus stands with a globe in its left hand and a telescope in its right hand.\nRandy: [runs up to the statue] Come on, everybody! Let's take this fuckin' thing down! [kicks it and punches it] Yeah, yehah! [punches it some more, with no effect] Take it down! Columbus was a mass murderer! [people gather to watch as Randy climbs up to the statue's head] Tear it down! Tear it down! Yeah! [grunts as he tries to take it apart] Hey, it's not working. [tugs at the head and grunts] We almost got it, guys! Come on, throw the rope, Stan! [a rope flies up towards him, with noose ready to go. He catches it and wraps it around the head] Good, that's good! Hit the gas, Nelson! [Peter Nelson pulls away with the rope tied to his car] We got it, everybody! To hell with you, Columbus! You guh-whoa! Whoa! [the statue topples to the right and falls apart. Randy falls with it, but isn't hurt]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, evening. Stan sits on the couch watching TV when he gets a call from Kyle.\nStan: Hey dude.\nKyle: Dude! Did you know it's your dad did who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day?\nStan: Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on. He's really serious about this.\nKyle: Well, you've gotta do something. If you get him to back down, maybe the school will reconsider.\nStan: I can't get him to back down.\nKyle: Stan, I have to deal with my mom doing shit like this all the time, but she's never tried to take away a holiday. I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back when the guys find out about this.\nStan: I'll try, okay. [glances up for a moment] Ok-I, I gotta go. [Randy walks up with his laptop and phone and sits next to Stan]\nRandy: Okay, Stan, you got your phone? I need to call everyone on this list. They all live in the same city.\nStan: Dad, listen: you need to ease off a little here.\nRandy: Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man who wiped out millions of people for his own glory! [puts his phone up to his right ear] Let's go! [places his first call] Hello? Is this uh [checks his laptop screen] Howard Peterson? You live in Columbus, Ohio, is that correct? Yeah? You racist piece of shit. You heard me. You're an intolerant pig. Oh, you're not? You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing. No, fuck you! Rename your city, asshole! Hello? [evidently, the recipient hung up] Okay, next one, come on. Get calling, Stan!\nStan: Dad, come on. We all get your point, but don't you think you're overdoing it?\nRandy: You have to overdo it in today's society Stan. You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore or else critics go \"Wow, what was the point of that?\" [places the next calls] Hi, Francis Melman? Hey, how are you, you fuckin' racist?\nScene Description: An even more impressive statue of Columbus, lit up at night.\nField Reporter: [the camera zooms out to include him] Christopher Columbus. Explorer, pioneer. Is he someone who should be appreciated, or was he just a douche? For years, Columbus Circle has been a landmark and photogenic intersection in New York City. So it came as a surprise when someone defecated on the statue earlier today. I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating, Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado. [walks up to Randy, who's wearing an \"I poop on New York\" T-shirt, \"poop on\" replaced by a small picture of him pooping on \"New York\"]\nRandy: Good evening.\nField Reporter: Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on a beloved statue that's been an icon here in the city for years. What was your reasoning?\nRandy: Well, I just have a problem with the racist people of this city. Yeehaw, [gets into a hick, redneck accent] I'm from New York! I drive around a big circle n' celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans! Shoowee!\nField Reporter: So you're doing this because of indigenous peoples and their feelings.\nRandy: I don't care if people get indigenous, I'll crap all over their statues! I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists!\nField Reporter: Aah, aaah, bah, back to you, Tom.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. As kids sit down for lunch, a girl walks by with a tear streaming down her face. She sniffles. At the boys' table are seated Token, Jimmy, Kyle, Clyde, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters.\nButters: It ain't right. They make you work like a dog and then they just tear away your one day off in October like you're a piece of trash!\nStan: [shows up at table with his lunch] Hey guys. [takes a seat between Token and Jimmy]\nCartman: Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan!\nStan: Look, I tried talking to him, alright? He's just really against all the things Columbus did.\nJimmy: Does anyone know what Columbus actually did?\nCartman: Yeah. In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus got us a day off skewl. That's what matters.\nKyle: No! No, wait guys. Maybe that's it. When I'm dealing with my mom, sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute. Maybe we should find out all the things people find offensive about Columbus and-\nCartman: And totally act like we care. I like it, Kyle.\nKyle: I'll just look up Columbus, offensive, inflammatory-\nCartman: Yeah, this is sweet. It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monsters' side? You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on, but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them? [Kyle checks the search results]\nButters: I love that movie.\nCartman: Yeah, this is a lot like that. What'd you find, Kyle?\nKyle: Nnnothing.\nButters: Dang it! There's nothing?\nKyle: Stan, can I talk to you for a minute? [leaves the table, and Stan follows]\nCartman: [now out of the loop] What? What? What the hell was that?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, Randy's study. Randy is typing up something on his computer. Stan and Kyle walk in.\nStan: Hey Dad?\nRandy: Not now, Stan. I'm working on a proposal to change British Columbia to just British.\nStan: But Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram. [shows Randy the pictures] It pretty much looks like you dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party. [Randy notices the picture, now shown close up]\nRandy: Where did you get that?\nStan: If you hate Columbus so much, why did you dress like him?\nRandy: Look, that was a long time ago, okay? It's just a dumb Halloween costume.\nStan: Yeah but, [goes through the pictures he pulled off Instagram] here's you dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner, and here's you dressed as Columbus at a football game, and you as Columbus on St. Patrick's Day...\nRandy: Look, I was younger! We were all... younger. It was another time. You have to understand, it was 2013. Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then.\nStan: Yeah, but Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus.\nRandy: If you guys found those pictures online, it's only a matter of time before everyone else does. People won't care about what I do now. They'll just see me as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, living room, some time later. Sharon walks up to him.\nSharon: Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked?\nRandy: [moping] What's the point, Sharon? Soon they're gonna be coming after me.\nSharon: Ach. [turns around and walks away]\nAnnouncer: [a series of faces appear on tv, and Randy is interested] Hey, you! That's right, you! Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? What makes you you? DNAandMe is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. You might be surprised.\nCyclist: [at Santa Monica Beach, stops] I thought I was just a standard white guy, but DNAandMe showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.\nWoman 1: [doing curls] Turns out I'm not totally white. I'm also part Northern Asian and even some Kurdish. I'm a victim of oppression. [smiles]\nSteve: [seated at his desk] I used to get in trouble for always using the N word. But with DNAandMe I found out that I'm 2.1% black.\nOffice Worker: [walks by] 'Morning, Steve?\nSteve: Sup, n*gga? [smiles]\nAnnouncer: The test is easy. [a woman is shown swabbing her mouth for a DNA sample and putting it into a cuvette, then sealing that cuvette] Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it into our lab.\nDriver: [behind the wheel] People made fun of me for being French. DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo. Nobody's makin' fun of me now, or my people, who are victims.\nFemale Jogger: I'm 13% victim.\nPainter: I'm 21% victim.\nAnnouncer: Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. DNAandMe. Are you in?\nRandy: Hell fucking yes I'm in.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. There's a mellow party going on, with soft jazz musics. With everyone enjoying the ambiance, Randy comes down from the second floor, looks around, then goes back upstairs.\nScene Description: Randy's study. He goes inside the darkened room and closes the door.\nRandy: Alright, everyone's here. Let's do this. [in the room with him is a Native American (Bill), whom he walks up to. He opens a desk drawer and pulls out some money] Here you go, just like I said. A hundred dollars cash. No questions asked. Are we good? [Bill just looks him over] Good. No talking. Perfect. Okay, let's get this over with. [pulls Bill's face towards his own and gives him a long, passionate French kiss. Bill gets more and more surprised the longer the kiss continues. Randy suddenly stops the kiss] Thank you. Do not talk of this to anyone. [Bill just turns to watch him leave]\nScene Description: The living room, moments later. Randy greets his guests.\nRandy: All right, everybody. Hey, thanks for comin'. If uh-I can have your attention, please? I think we're ready to get started.\nDNA test administrator: [holding a DNAandMe kit] Ahah, Mr. Marsh, you know, none of this was really necessary. For DNAandMe testing you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself and send it in the mail.\nRandy: Yeah, I know, but I just, I was really excited, wanted everyone to witness my test.\nDNA test administrator: Well, to each their own I suppose. [opens the kit and pulls out a swab] All right, open wide. [Randy opens up and hums as the DNAandMe doctor moves the swab around the inside of his cheek. A shot of the Tuckers and Nelson eating hors d'oeuvres. The doctor takes the swab and puts it back in the kit] Okay, I'll get this back to the lab and get the results to you as quickly as possible.\nRandy: Okay, great. I'm very interested to see [begins speaking more slowly] what those results have to say.\nScene Description: A house, day. A woman sits in a rocking chair knitting a scarf. A cordless phone rings.\nPeter Galtman: [answers the phone] Galtman residence.\nMasked voice: Listen to me carefully. The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day is a fraud.\nMr. Galtman: Who is this?\nMasked voice: You will go online and search Instagram for images of Randy Marsh.\nMr. Galtman: I most certainly will not!\nMasked voice: Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake. You will be taken down with him when he is exposed! [a shot of the boys' restroom at school. Kenny is the one who's masking his voice as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look on]\nKyle: What's he saying?\nKenny: (Shhh! Don't interrupt!) [masked voice again] We know where you live and we know how to make you suffer!\nMr. Galtman: Now you listen here, Mr. Man! The Galtmans don't believe in social media or the Internet! It's all fake news!\nMrs. Galtman: Fake news.\nKenny: [masked voice] Then speak with Marsh yourself! The truth is out there! [hangs up] (Well, I don't know if that worked.)\nMr. Galtman: Hm. [suspicion aroused] Sounds like maybe the Galtmans need to check out Randy Marsh.\nScene Description: The Marsh house,. Shelly's bedroom. She's drawing a pony on her bed when Randy bursts into the room.\nRandy: Shelly! We've got an emergency! We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house! Any Columbus costumes? Columbus pictures? They all gotta go!\nShelly: I don't give a shit about Columbus.\nScene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes when Randy enters.\nRandy: Sharon! Peter Galtman called! He sounds suspicious! We've gotta get rid of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups! Where are they?!\nSharon: YOUR Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups are in that cupboard.\nRandy: Shot, shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates. What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers?\nSharon: I don't know where YOU put them, Randy.\nRandy: [walks from the cupboard to the sink] Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us when they find out how we were so stoked on Columbus??\nSharon: YOU were stoked on Columbus, Randy. Not me.\nRandy: Oho, really?! Did you forget our wedding?! That's you, right there! [shows her the wedding picture. She's in a traditional wedding dress while Randy is dressed as Columbus] Standing there with a big smile on your face! You didn't say anything about it being insensitive then, did you?!\nSharon: I actually was a little upset that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding, but I decided-\nRandy: [moves from her right side to her left] Oh, NOW! You say that NOW 'cause everyone's freakin' out, but you were right there going along with it! [turns around and walks away, but turns around again] They're gonna be coming after you too, Sharon! So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face! [the doorbell rings and Sharon's eyebrows rise up. Randy perks up] Oh! That could be my DNA results! Here, take this stuff out back! [drops it all next to Sharon and runs to the front door, only to find Bill at the door with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Randy looks him over, and Bill gives him the bouquet] Oh... nooo, nonononono.\nBill: I've never felt so alive until now.\nRandy: Thank you. Lo-lovely flowers. Thank, thank you. [shuts the door on the bouquet, which is crushed and falls apart]\nScene Description: The Galtman house, day. Mrs. Galtman has made a lot of progress with the scarf. The phone rings.\nMr. Galtman: [answers the phone] Galtman residence.\nKenny: [masked voice] Listen carefully if you want to live. You will make this Monday a school holiday.\nMr. Galtman: I spoke with Mr. Marsh and he denied any wrongdoing.\nKenny: [talking from the boys' bathroom at school] Of course he did! That's what liars do!\nStan: I don't think you're being intimidating enough.\nCartman: Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.\nKenny: Meaner like now, dude?\nStan: I don't know, like, like uh, maybe say-\nCartman: Just talk about cutting off his dick or something.\nKenny: [to Galtman] We're gonna cut off your dick!\nKyle: No dude, that's too far.\nCartman: Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick.\nStan: Just give me the phone! Hello!\nMr. Galtman: What?\nStan: Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done! [shown on the phone] Protect him and you will pay too! Time is running out! [hangs up] Jesus!\nScene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is in bed reading a book when Randy enters.\nRandy: Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb?\nSharon: I have not. [Randy goes to the closet and start rifling through it]\nRandy: Sharon, Galtman called again. Somebody's out there trying to get me in trouble!\nSharon: Randy, why don't you just admit to people that maybe you were somewhat overly excited about Columbus in the past?\nRandy: Everyone was excited about Columbus! For some reason people are just pointing fingers at me! Just because he's suddenly not cool now doesn't mean I'm gonna be the effin' scapegoat! [leaves the room and closes the door]\nScene Description: The front door. Randy is about to leave.\nRandy: I've gotta burn this stuff! [opens the door and sees Bill waiting for him with a drum and stick] Oh Goddamnit!\nBill: I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you.\nRandy: Will you get out of here?!\nBill: [bangs on the drum and chants, then] And then he kissed me.\nRandy: [hushed] I didn't kiss you 'cause I liked you!\nBill: [ignores him, bangs on the drum and chants, then] And then he kissed me.\nRandy: Okay, okay\nBill: [bangs on the drum and chants, then] And the sun began to shine.\nRandy: That's it! Get off my property! [turns him around and shoves him towards the sidewalk]\nBill: Randy, I cannot quit you.\nRandy: Get off my land, you piece of shit! [kicks him to the curb]\nBill: Uuugh! [they both look around. Randy sees a jogger across the street with his phone]\nRandy: Don't post that. [a few seconds pass] Do not. Post that. [the jogger takes off. Randy drops the staff and orb, and gives chase] Shit!\nScene Description: The school playground, recess. The boys now sit around a merry-go-round. Clyde stands next to them. All of them have sad faces. Cartman walks up to them.\nCartman: Guys, what are you going?\nButters: It's over, Eric. We have to come to school on Monday. Just face it.\nCartman: I'm not facing anything. We still have time. There has to be a way-\nKyle: Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right?\nCartman: Oh okay. I see. Is that what Columbus did? Just give up? On his dream? No! Columbus believed that kids should have a day off skewl! And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause, Columbus said \"Fine! I'll go find a new land, where kids can have that day off!\"\nJimmy: Eric, just l-let it go.\nCartman: And when Columbus sailed to distant places only to find people already there who said \"No! Stay off our land! We want our kids to have to go to skewl!\", he said \"No! It's just one day in October! They need a break!\" You guys can all give up, but I'm not. Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off skewl. With just three ships he sailed over so we could have some me time in October. And yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut But if we don't get that day off of school, then... for what?\nKyle: Come on, guys. [stands up on the merry-go-round] There's something else we can try.\nScene Description: The Marsh bathroom, day. Sharon is on the toilet urinating, while reading stuff on her phones. Randy opens the door.\nRandy: [excited] Sharon, good news!\nSharon: What??\nRandy: The people from the DNA test called. They're on their way over. You wanna come down?\nSharon: I'm doing something.\nRandy: You sure? These results could be really interesting. [Sharon stays quiet, so he heads downstairs]\nScene Description: The living room. Randy sees Bill.\nRandy: Oh Goddammit, what the hell do you want?\nBill: I want you to stop running from yourself. We could be so happy. [the doorbell rings]\nRandy: Crap, it's them! [to the front door] Just a second, be right there. Thanks! [turns around and shoves Bill towards the back door] Get over here! I don't have any feelings for you. Do you understand?!\nBill: But Randy, what about the-\nRandy: [shoves him out the back door] NO! No buts! There is nothing here! I'm not in love with you! Got it?!\nBill: Yes. Yes, I understand.\nRandy: Good! Now leave! [goes to the front door, and lets the DNAandMe folks in] Hi, sorry. You guys have my results?\nDNA test administrator: Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because there was an irregularity with your test.\nRandy: Well what? You found something there you didn't expect to find? What is it?\nDNA test administrator: Well it's just a little too odd. We need to do the test again.\nRandy: Do it again? That's not fair.\nDNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, please. If we could have one more sample. We want to be absolutely sure of what we found.\nRandy: Agh-uh oh, okay, no problem. [begins to back up] Give me, give me one sec. I'll be right back. [turns and runs to the back door, opens it, and runs out] Wait! [looks to his left] Wait! [runs up to the Native American and kisses him in the mouth again, and just as before, stops and leaves, this time to go back inside and to the living room] Okay! Okay, all set. Let's do this. Aaaaa-\nDNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test. It's better for harder cases like this, but... it is an anal swab this time. [prepares the kit]\nRandy: An anal swab? Give me tuh, three minutes. [backs up and runs out the back door again, looking for the Native American.] Hey, where'd you go? [the doctor walks up behind him and puts his right hand on Randy's shoulder]\nDNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry, if you don't mind. [pulls him back inside]\nRandy: Oh, aw shit. [the assistant closes the door]\nScene Description: South Park, day. The Marsh house. Cartman opens the front door and enters.\nCartman: [wearing a horse head mask] All right, it's clear. Bring him in. [Stan, wearing a pig head mask, and Kyle, wearing a rabbit head mask, pull Mr. Galtman inside]\nKenny: [wearing a pigeon head mask, using his Mysterion voice] Move your ass, Galtman!\nMr. Galtman: This is a violation of my rights.\nStan: Just shut up, and watch what someone posted on their Instagram!\nMr. Galtman: I most certainly will not! If you want me to look at the Internet, I will die first. It's fake news!\nKyle: [as Stan puts a tape into the VCR] That's why we had it transferred to VHS.\nMr. Galtman: Oh, VHS is fine.\nKenny: Take off his blindfold. [Kyle does so. Stan presses play, and the scene of Randy kicking the Native American to the curb is shown]\nMr. Galtman: Hmmm...\nScene Description: DNAandMe headquarters, night. Randy sneaks around the hallways of the place. He reaches the specimen room, faces the door, and pulls out a lock pick. He inserts the pick in the door lock to try to open it. The doctor and two lab workers walk up behind him.\nDNA test administrator: Oh, Mr. Marsh.\nRandy: Whoa, ha-hay. [turns around] How are you? [smiles nervously]\nDNA test administrator: Good. Wha-what are you up to?\nRandy: Chillin', chillin'.\nDNA test administrator: Well, uhhh, we did get your DNA results back this morning. Would you like to go over them?\nRandy: Oh, you did? Oh, great. Sure, why not? Uh, I'm here. Huh let's uh, let's do that.\nScene Description: The lab room, moments later\nDNA test administrator: N'all right Mr. Marsh, here's your DNAandMe portfolio. [starts the presentation] This shows that we actually found a mix of a few things in you regional ancestry.\nRandy: [jumps up and stands] Really? Like Native American? Like a, like a little bit?\nDNA test administrator: Nno, we didn't find any trace of any Native American DNA in your test.\nRandy: Nnnuts! [sits down]\nDNA test administrator: But as you can see here [click], we found that you are about 43% Northern European, 37% Mediterranean, and 18% Southwest Asian. In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches [clicks] your standard Caucasian British person.\nRandy: [sighing] Awww.\nDNA test administrator: And, you might be interested to know that you're actually 2.8% Neanderthal, which is fairly high.\nRandy: Neander-thal? What the hell is that about?\nDNA test administrator: Well, the Neanderthals were actually a species that was wiped out by Homo sapiens.\nRandy: Wiped out? All of my people?\nDNA test administrator: Yes, but you see, because of some cross-breeding, some people like you still possess Neanderthal DNA. Isn't that interesting?\nRandy: Cross-breeding? You mean rape. You're telling me that my ancestors were raped, and then eradicated by you? You maniacs! [kicks the chair out of the way] The earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals, so your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?! Well TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU!! [knocks over a tool cart and leaves]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy pulls into his driveway and walks towards the house in a sad state. He goes inside, closes the door, and is surprised at what he sees. Mr. Galtman stands with the four boys near the dining room.\nMr. Galtman: Well well, Mr. Marsh. I'd like to have a word, please.\nRandy: [walks up to him and punches him out with one blow] You find this funny, Galtman!\nMr. Galtman: What'd I do?\nRandy: Nobody had the guts to tell me what happened to my people, huh? Get the hell out of here! [opens the front door and Bill is back]\nBill: I brought my parents over so you could meet them.\nRandy: Waww God!\nBill: Don't worry. My parents are very okay and cool with us.\nStan: Who the hell is that?\nRandy: Yeah, sure! Everyone gang up on the Neanderthal! Isn't it funny!\nBill: Randy, you must face who you are. Stop pretending, Randy. For once, just allow yourself to feel.\nRandy: [moves away from the others] You're right. [Galtman stands up and they all look at Randy again] You're right. It's only now, when everyone is being so indigenous to me, that I realized... how indigenous I've been acting all along. I thought being a victim would solve all my problems. But being a victim has a down side too. [walks up to Galtman] Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest. It's time for us all... to be honest.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A stage, mic, and podium have been prepared at the school entrance, and Randy is at the podium. Before him are the faculty, parents and students of the school.\nRandy: What is a holiday? It's a day off work, yes. A day off school. But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect. Today, I'm happy to announce that the school calendar committee is reinstating the day off. [the kids cheer] But instead of glorifying anyone, Let us make it a holiday about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel. Say what we're really thinking so we can move on. And so, the second Monday in October will still be a holiday, but instead of Columbus Day, it will be for ripping on each other and tearing each other down. And we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day. For perhaps if we all do it at the same time, we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year. And since this is the second Monday of October, let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday starting right now.\nDave: Do you even know what indigenous means, you freakin' idiot?!\nRandy: That's the spirit, Dave. Come on, everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous. Come on!\nKurt: Who the hell let this guy talk to the school council?\nRandy: Good one Kurt. Your wife's a whore. Come on, everyone! Indigenous People's Day! Let's go for it!\nWoman 2: Shut up and get off the podium! [people begin to leave]\nRandy: Okay, I will in a second, fatso. All right, who else? Come on! Get it out of your system! Happy Indigenous People's Day, everyone. Suck my asshole!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. People are going about their business when a flash zips by, rustling everything near it.\nMan 1: What on Earth was that?\nJimmy: [voice over] My name is Jimmy Valmer. [He zips around town, startling people here and there. Two boys playing basketball almost lose it when he zips by them] And I am very... [stops] f-f-fast. [General Medical Center, day] When I was born, my parents knew I was different.\nDoctor: [handing baby Jimmy to his parents] I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Valmer, your newborn son will never be able to walk. But he will be extremely good at comedy. [Sarah cries as she uncovers his face]\nBaby Jimmy: [already with a mic in his hand] Wow! What a teh-t-teh-terrific audience. [Sarah sobs some more]\nScene Description: Chuckles Improv, night. Jimmy is working on his delivery.\nJimmy: [voice over] As I got older, my powers only increased.\nJimmy: [on stage] What do you call cheese that isn't yours?\nWoman 1: AAAAHHHH Help! [Jimmy zips away and returns moments later with a pickpocket tied up next to him]\nJimmy: Nacho cheese. [gets a round of applause]\nJimmy: [voice over] And now I look for others like me to fight crime as part of a superhero team. I am... Fas... Fastpass! [shown to be auditioning for a role in a superhero team headed by... The Coon. The current team members - Tupperware (Token), Mosquito (Clyde), The Coon (Cartman), Toolshed (Stan), Human Kite (Kyle), and Mysterion (Kenny) - clap approvingly]\nCartman: [The Coon] Okay, okay, thank you, Fastpass. What do you guys think?\nStan: We definitely don't have anyone with superhuman speed in our franchise.\nToken: Fastpass, what makes you feel... qualified to be part of our cinematic universe?\nJimmy: Well, besides being super f-f-fa-fast, I also have a good attitude, and flexibility with my schedule on weekends.\nCartman: Fastpass, welcome to Coon and Friends. You are about to make a shitload of money.\nScene Description: Coon and Friends: Franchise Prequel. Cartman's basement, day. He has his team assembled and begins to brief them on his plans.\nCartman: Alright, superheros, it's time to lay out our plan of action. As you can see, I have divided the franchise plan into three phases. Phase 1 begins with The Coon Netflix series and goes through the Coon and Friends United movie, where we introduce Toolshed and The Human Kite. In Phase 2 we do Coon vs. Fastpass followed by an origin movie about Mosquito.\nClyde: Bzzz oh boy, I get my own origin movie, bzzz?\nCartman: That's right. It's in Phase 2 that we introduce Tupperware, our black superhero, like an ace in the hole.\nStan: Whoawhoa wait, how come we gotta start off with a Netflix series? Can't we just go right into movies?\nCartman: Netflix is starving for new shows right now, Toolshed. They will literally buy anything people pitch them. We need to strike while the iron's hot. Later in Phase 3 we can finally get to Civil War, where we will all- [the Coon alarm goes off and the boys look around]\nStan: What is it?\nKyle: Incoming Face Time call from Super Craig. [the boys leave their seats and gather around the monitor]\nCartman: Onscreen!\nCraig: You guys, we have a big problem.\nCartman: What is it, Super Craig?\nCraig: Somebody's messing with our Facebook page. They're spreading all these lies, saying we like, burn the American flag and pee in each other's mouths.\nStan: Spreading lies how?\nCraig: Take a look. [holds up a picture of a mysterious boy and the Coon and Friends Facebook page] Someone is systematically targeting our Facebook followers and feeding them misinformation.\nCartman: Who would deliberately use Facebook in such a horribly reckless way?\nScene Description: Butter's room, a stormy night. He's on his computer looking at the Coon and Friends Facebook page, typing away and cackling.\nStephen: [opens the bedroom door to check in] Butters, you're not looking at boobies again, are you?\nButters: No Dad, I'm not looking at boobies. [Stephen closes the door and Butters waits a few second before cackling again] Waahahahahaha!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters is switching out books in his locker as the four boys approach him. He closes his locker.\nCartman: Butters?!\nButters: Oh, hey fellas.\nCartman: Butters, are you using Facebook to fuck with our superhero franchise?\nButters: Uuuuuuummm, nope. [turns around and walks off, the others wait a second or two before catching up]\nStan: Butters? Butters!\nButters: [turns around] Yes, fellas?\nStan: Dude, listen. We don't have time for this. Right now, Netflix is buying any show that people pitch them. We have a real shot at starting our franchise, and you are a part of that franchise plan, okay? We have movies planned for the bad guy.\nButters: You mean like Suicide Squad?\nStan: Yes!\nButters: [in Stan's face] Suicide Squad sucked! [turns around and walks off again]\nKyle: Butters! Butters! You can't just make stuff up about us! [Butters turns around again] People are thinking it's true!\nButters: Look fellas, you have a right to be on Facebook and I have a right to be on facebook. And sometimes that's going to cause a little... [makes a fist and smirks] CHAOS. [looks mischievous and gets slick] Gotta get to classss.\nKyle: Dude, what a dick!\nCartman: If we don't find a way to stop him, we're never gonna make any money, you guys.\nScene Description: The Valmer residence, living room, day. The adults there are drinking coffee. Ryan Valmer addresses the other parents.\nRyan: Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.\nThomas: I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.\nRandy: And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?\nSteve: We [referring to himself and Linda] were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?\nStephen: You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.\nRandy: Facebook? How so?\nStephen: Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.\nThomas: Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.\nRandy: That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.\nLinda: Do you really think he'd come?\nStephen: Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [takes a sip]\nScene Description: An abandoned Circuit City store, marked for lease. A boy walks towards it with a flyer in hand, He goes to a side door in the loading area and knocks.\nButters: [as Professor Chaos] Who are you?! What do you want?!\nAdam: I'm here about the job? [points to the flyer]\nButters: Oh. Are you Adam? Well, come on in. [Adam walks in with Butters and Butters closes the door. Butters gives him a tour of the place] You're making a smart career choice, Adam. You see, what we do here is utilize Facebook not only to spread chaos, but to actually profit from it. You'll find the hours very reasonable and I'm working on getting full health and dental for all employees. [stops and gets a uniform off the shelves for Adam] Here's your company uniform. You see, what I've done, Adam, is build a completely self-sustaining Chaos machine [Adam exits the boys room as Chaos #28] - You look fantastic - doing nothing more than what Facebook was designed to do. I make money from Facebook for my fake content in order to pay Facebook to promote my fake stories. And thusly we're growing bigger every day. Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the other workers look towards them] We have a new agent in Chaos. Please welcome Adam Borque. [the others clap for him] Here you go. You can take this workstation, Adam. Just start writing horrible things about people and presenting it as reality on Facebook. Alright! Don't forget we have a Chaos quota, gang! Let's really fuck shit up! [the workers resume their work]\nScene Description: The school gym, day. A meeting is being held there: \"Facebook in Your Community. Guest Speaker: Mark Zuckerberg\".\nMr. Mackey: Uh, alright, can everyone hear me in the back? Hm'kay, we're gonna get started here. I know you all have a lot of questions, so without further ado, let me introduce Mark Zuckerberg. [Zuckerberg walks up] Thanks for coming, Mr. Zuckerberg.\nMark: [in a stilted manner. He speaks like this throughout the episode] Thank you. It is a great honor to be here amongst all of you. [immediately you can see his lips don't match his words]\nMr. Mackey: For those of you who don't know uh, could you tell us who you are?\nMark: I am the founder and chairman of Facebook. But I also have a shtoile that is completely unblockable.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, we'll let him speak and then we'll uh open the floor to some questions if there's time, thank you.\nMark: Thank you, right? [Mr. Mackey walks off] Alright, everyone here wants to see my shtoile. But first, what I'll need is a volunteer. Yes, you sir.\nMan 2: Mr. Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a tool for some to disrupt our country and our community.\nMark: You say these things like they are my fault, and yet they are not.\nMan 2: Well, you did create a platform with a monetary incentive for people to spread misinformation?\nMark: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I see you're trying to use your shtoile over mine. Now, you try to block me. [assumes a fighting stance, puts his left palm out as far as it can go, and makes some odd sounds] Now you've learned that you cannot block me, yehhhs? [a woman raises her arm] Yes, what is your question?\nWoman 2: [stands up] How are we supposed to keep our kids-? [he interrupts her with some more fighting stances and odd sounds, and she sits down]\nScene Description: Address 20802, day. Coon and Friends ring the doorbell there. A boy opens the door and looks at them.\nCartman: Wilson Aubrey?\nWilson: Yeah.\nCartman: It's us, your heroes, Coon and Friends. We're uhm, just wondering why you stopped following us on Instagram?\nWilson: Because you victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.\nCartman: That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.\nWilson: Facebook says it's true.\nCartman: But it's NOT true.\nWilson: But Facebook says it's true.\nCartman: [gets in his face] Okay, but it's NOT true, and you need to have your own fucking brain and decide shit for yourself!\nWilson: AAAAH! [shuts the door on Cartman, who's taken aback. Cartman turns around and leaves the house, and the other Coon Friends follow]\nCartman: God dammit! Let's just face it! We're never gonna have a superhero franchise!\nKyle: It's so unfair.\nJimmy: Come on, fellas. Wu-we can't let Butters win.\nCartman: Forget it, Fastpass. The world hates us now.\nStan: Yeah, nobody believes in us.\nJimmy: W-we believe in each other, don't we? [the others look at him] Who cares what everyone else thinks? I joined this franchise because I believe that it can make a lot of money. And being a superhero means you keep believing in that money, no matter how hard things get!\nCartman: Fastpass is right. We let all this distract us from what's important. We just need to get the Netflix series and let our superhero franchise speak for itself!\nKyle: Coon, everybody hates us.\nCartman: Maybe so, but we know who we are! We are Coon Friends because we care about each other. Because we have each other's back! And when things look their darkest, these heroes will stand together! [Heidi walks up behind him] And we'll-!\nHeidi: Hey babe, what's up? [Cartman stands still a moment, then deflates. Several seconds later he sighs heavily a couple of times, closes his eyes, sniffle and groans, and puts his right hand over his right eye. He's at a loss for words as Heidi's smile fades] What are you up to?\nCartman: [soft voice] Nothing, just fucking wearing sweet costumes and talking about fighting evil, is that okay?\nHeidi: I just- I thought we were meeting at the park. You didn't text or anything.\nCartman: [soft voice, to himself] Oh my God, are you fucking kidding me right now?\nHeidi: Sorry! I won't interrupt! [turns around and walks off, Cartman watches her walk off with a concerned look on his face, then turns back to the other Coon Friends and continues his speech]\nCartman: Because we are Coon and Friends, and as long as we have each other, we can do anything!\nScene Description: The Tweak residence, day. Richard and his wife pull into their driveway, leave the car, and head for the front door.\nRichard: I swear, that was the worst public speaker I've ever seen. What was Mark Zuckerberg's point?\nMrs. Tweak: I don't even understand what that was about.\nRichard: Guess nobody realized that Mark Zuckerberg was such a penis.\nScene Description: The living room. The Tweaks enter and find Zuckerberg on their sofa eating a bowl of chips.\nRichard: What the hell?\nMrs. Tweak: It's Mark Zuckerberg.\nRichard: I know who it is! [to Zuckerberg] Excuse me, what are you doing here?!\nMark: I was invited here by people.\nRichard: We invited you to come speak to our community about our problems!\nMark: [assumes a fighting stance] Ah, I see what you did there. Trying to block me, riiight? I'm tired of eating chips. What else is there? [makes his way to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator]\nRichard: Hey! Get out of our fridge!\nMark: Ha ha ha, this puny refrigerator could not block me. What makes you think you can?\nRichard: Now you listen here! I will not-! [Zuckerberg puts up his left arm and holds it out as if creating a force field for blocking]\nMark: Ha ha ha ha, you are no match for my shtoile.\nScene Description: The supermarket parking lot, day. The Stotches reach their car and get in. As they buckle up, Mark jumps into the back seat.\nMark: So, where are we headed? Perhaps we should get some food.\nStephen: What, eh. Excuse me, this is our car?!\nMark: You call this a car? It wasn't even remotely able to block me. What is this car's shtoile?\nStephen: Get, get out of here, ya penis.\nMark: Ha ha ha ha. You say I am a penis and yet I am not a penis.\nScene Description: Netflix corporate offices, day. In a room full of telephone operators, one of them takes a call.\nOperator 1: Netflix, you're greenlit. Who am I speaking with?\nCartman: [from home] Uh yes, hello. We have an idea for a show that we think would be great for Netflix.\nOperator 1: Okay, great. Would you like a pilot or just go straight to an order of six episodes?\nCartman: We'd like to go right into six episodes with a pickup option at the end of three.\nOperator 1: Got it. Can you start shooting next month?\nOperator 2: Got a show about transsexual dragons here.\nCartman: Yes. We are ready to start right now. We are very, very excited.\nOperator 1: Okay, sounds great, we'll send you the contracts. Oh, and uh, what's the show about?\nCartman: It's a stand-alone series about a superhero called the Coon before he joins Coon and Friends.\nOperator 1: Coon and Friends? You mean, the kids I just read about in the news who stabbed Jessica Alba?\nCartman: Look, you didn't, you didn't read that on the news you read that on Facebook!\nStan: Aw man, here we go.\nOperator 1: Yeah, ah, dangit, we've never done this before, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass on your show.\nCartman: Listen to me! There are falsehoods about us on Facebook that are NOT TRUE!\nOperator 1: Well then, you should have those things taken down. It can't be that hard.\nCartman: It's a lot harder than you think!\nOperator 1: L-look, we'd love to approve your show, but you need to get those things cleared up first, okay? Thanks for calling. [hangs up and takes the next call] Netflix, you're greenlit. Who am I speaking with?\nScene Description: Coutnry Kitchen Buffet, evening. As an elderly couple eats dinner, Zuckerberg walks up tp them, sits down and takes the man's soup bowl without asking, and starts eating.\nElderly Man: What the? Who are you?\nElderly Woman: I believe that's Mark Zuckerberg.\nElderly Man: Hey that's my soup!\nMark: [rises into a fighting stance] So, you are trying to block me, huh? That's fine. What's your shtoile?\nElderly Man: I don't have a shtoile.\nScene Description: The Valmer residence, day. Ryan is in the master bathroom brushing his teeth. He finishes and walks back into the bedroom, where he finds Zuckerberg eating chips in his bed.\nRyan: Hey! Get out of my bed!\nMark: I was invited here. I am only making use of a bed for sleeping, yehhhs?\nRyan: We just wanted you to come share your insights on Facebook!\nMark: [makes some strange motions and sounds] Oh, my head, my head. [makes more strange motions and sounds] You should have worked with me when you had the chance. Now you lie over there, dead.\nScene Description: The abandoned Circuit City store, day. Inside, Butters looks down from the second floor at his working staff.\nButters: Attention employees. Kelly Shmidt has just written her 100th fake blog post that was shared over a thousand times on Facebook. Let's hear it for Kelly! [the staffers clap] Don't forget about those Chaos incentives! You too can benefit from pandemonium. [smiles. Coon and Friends show up and walk through the front doors]\nCartman: Butters!\nAdam: Whoa no, it's Coon and Friends! [he and the other staffers hide under their desks]\nChaos #35: Oh no!\nButters: Calm down, everyone. Stick to your work. I will deal with these trespassers.\nKyle: We're here to put an end to you, Chaos!\nCartman: Yeah! I don't have buttsex with antelopes and Token doesn't poop in girls' mouths!\nButters: It's the 21st century, gentlemen! There's nothing illegal about what I'm doing.\nJimmy: Yeah? Nothing illegal about us kicking your ah...ass either.\nButters: Actually, that IS illegal. And besides, you can't do anything to me. [whistles. Zuckerberg emerges from the back of the store on the second floor, flips over the balcony, and lands in front of Butters]\nMark: Bwaaaaaa! So, this is the Coon and Friends that you have told me about. [to the Coon Friends] I warn you, my fighting shtoile is unsurpassed.\nJimmy: Who the ss-Sam Hell is th-that?\nClyde: I think that's Mark Zuckerberg.\nMark: You want to get to Butters, riiight? You're gonna have to get through me, huuuh?!\nStan: Dude, this kid is deliberately lying about us on your platform for no other reason than to cause harm! Why are you protecting him?!\nMark: Simple. He paid me $17.23.\nButters: It's the Facebook Safeguard program. Just $17 monthly gets you personal protection from Mark Zuckerberg.\nMark: Come on! What's your shtoile?\nScene Description: The Park County Police Station, day. The townsfolk are gathered in front of it, protesting. Sgt. Yates begins to speak.\nSgt. Yates: Alright, alright, everyone calm down! I can't hear over all of you. [the crowd quiets down]\nStephen: You have to do something! This guy's goin' around acting like everyone's stuff is his!\nThomas: I'm sick of getting out of the shower to find Mark Zuckerberg sitting on my toilet!\nSteve: Zuckerberg ate everything in our freezer and then helped himself to my wife's lubricant! [the crowd begins to clamor again]\nSgt. Yates: Alright, everyone, I just want to know one thing. Who invited him here? [the crowd falls silent] Come on. Who invited Mark Zuckerberg to town in the first place? [the folks hang their head in shame]\nRandy: We did. [other townsmen say the same thing]\nSgt. Yates: Huh? What's that?\nRandy: We invited Mark Zuckerberg to town.\nSgt. Yates: Uh huh, that's what I thought. You all brought Mark Zuckerberg into your lives and now you want the police to shoot him.\nStephen: Please, you don't understand! He-h he's such a penis!\nThomas: Yeah, and I'm pretty sure his voice is dubbed and he does all his own sound effects.\nSgt. Yates: Well that doesn't mean he's done anything illegal. Now, the police will help deal with Mark Zuckerberg, but we aren't going to shoot him.\nThe crowd: Awwwwww!\nSgt. Yates: I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. You all should've thought harder about this before letting him into your lives.\nScene Description: Cartman's basement, day. Coon and Friends are gathered around the Coon table waiting.\nCartman: When we all became superheroes, we took an oath. that no matter what it took, we would all make shitloads of money. But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, right now, we are a superhero group that can't even get a show on Netflix.\nKenny: Zuckerberg is the key. He's the only person who can shut down Facebook.\nKyle: How are we gonna get him to do that?\nCartman: We're gonna beat him at his own game.\nScene Description: South Park, day, one end of town. The police have set up a roadblock consisting of four police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance.\nBarkley: We got the west entrance to town secure. How are you guys doing out east?\nFoley: Here he comes... [looks left and walks towards the roadblock. Zuckerberg walks towards town slowly]\nBarkley: Okay, Mr. Zuckerberg, that's gonna have to be it. Can't let you into town.\nMark: So, you think you can block me.\nBarkley: Look, people don't want you here, okay? This is a quiet little town and-\nMark: Ha ha ha! You cannot block me!\nBarkley: But there's plenty of other places you could go, sir. Can you please just- [Zuckerberg strikes some poses and makes some odd sounds] Don't, don't do that, please.\nMark: [continues making strange sounds and begins moving through the roadblock] My brain, my brain. [more strange sounds]\nBarkley: He walked though.\nMark: [more strange sounds] Oh my car, my car. [more strange sounds and motions] Oh my God it's Mark Zuckerberg. [more strange sounds and motions] Oh my God how'd he do that? [more strange sounds and motions. Jimmy zooms across the street behind him. He turns around, and Jimmy passes by three more times behind him]\nJimmy: What's the matter? Too f-fast for ya?\nMark: Ha ha ha, you saw me walk right through the police barricade and yet you think you can block me, riiight? Go ahead and try. [Jimmy walks up to him and between his legs to the other side. Both of them are making their own sound effects]\nToken: [jumps into view] Now, Zuckerberg! Let me see you block my shtoile!\nMark: Ha ha ha ha ha! [they both make their own sound effects and move around]\nKyle: [appeaers and approaches Zuckerberg] Bwa! Dadadadadadadada bam! [punches him in the groin]\nMark: Oh... [falls over his his hands over his privates. The other Coon Friends rush in and kick him on all sides] Hagh. Ow. I have never witness this shtoile before.\nThomas: Hey look! The freaky costume kids are getting Zuckerberg! Get him, kids!\nRandy: Poop in his mouth!\nMark: [Zuckerberg stands up and throws them all off. He then takes on Jimmy, Kyle, and Token individually and defeats them] Rwaaaar!\nCoon Friends: [hitting the ground] Aaaah!\nMark: Ha ha ha, you tried to match my shtoile and failed!\nCartman: [walks into view] Oho, it is over! My friends are all beaten! Why?! They were just children! [walks up to Token] This one, simply protesting for black lives! [walks up to Jimmy] And this child tryin' to speak out for handicapped people!\nJimmy: Wha- Why, Mark Zuckerberg??\nCartman: And my friend Kyle, guilty of nothing but standing up for the rights of Jews!\nMark: What what what what are you talking about?\nCartman: [whispers triumphantly] Ever heard of Facebook Live? [Mark doesn't follow, but Craig is shown in an alley recording this encounter onto his laptop. He waves at Cartman. Cartman turns toward the camera] We are just kids trying to have our voices heard for black, handicapped, and Jewish rights, cut down in our prime by Mark Zuckerberg.\nMark: But, but hold on, that, that's not true.\nCartman: [triumphantly turns around] Facebook says it's true.\nMark: Noooooooo! [quickly checks his phone]\nScene Description: At Chaos City, Butters' lair, the workstations stop working.\nWorkers: Huh? Hey. What? Huh?\nButters: What's goin' on? Hey everyone, keep working!\nWorker 1: We can't.\nWorker 2: Something's wrong with Facebook.\nAdam: It's gone. Like, somebody shut it down.\nButters: What are you talking about? [a door is heard shut]\nCartman: It's over, Chaos! [shown with the other Coon Friends] We forced your little toady to shut down his own disorder device!\nButters: Curse you, Coon and Friends! This isn't over!\nStan: Oh yes it is. [Behind Coon and Friends, Butters' parents enter the abandoned store]\nStephen: Butters! You're the one who started all this?!\nButters: Uh oh.\nScene Description: The Kremlin, day. It's snowing there. Stephen drags Butters along as they talk over each other.\nStephen: You think you're just so smart, don't you?! Make me look like a fool, will you?! We'll just see about this!\nButters: Wah. No sir, I, ah. No sir, I just ah.\nScene Description: The Kremlin, inside. Stephen drags Butters into Vladimir Putin's office.\nStephen: Not so funny now, is it?! Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!\nButters: Well I was just, uh, well, I just said how I just used Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules.\nStephen: Didn't break any rules?! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points at Putin] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!\nPutin: Nyet, ser. [\"No, sir.\"]\nStephen: No! You don't go around making things up about people either! Unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg, because he deserves it! [walks towards the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves and slams the door]\nScene Description: Cartman's basement, day. The Coon and Friends are reunited there once again.\nCartman: Coon friends, we have done it. Facebook is gone, and Netflix approved our TV show. All we have to do now is agree on the final draft of the franchise plan. [shown once again, with some changes] You can see that the Super Craig movie now precedes the Coon vs. Super Craig movie, followed by Mysterion's video game. And then we-\nKenny: How come I have to have the video game? I want a movie too!\nCartman: You have a movie, Mysterion. You're in the third Coon and Friends United movie [Coon and Friends United 3], after your video game.\nCraig: Yeah, but he's saying he doesn't ever get his own movie.\nJimmy: Do I get my own movie?\nCartman: Not everyone gets their own movie!\nTweek: This franchise plan sucks!\nClyde: Oh Jesus, here we go again.\nStan: No, Wonder Tweek is right. It was better when we started the movies off with the Tupperware prequel.\nKyle: Dude you can't do a prequel first.\nStan: Why not?\nKyle: 'Cause then it's not a prequel, it's just... first. And besides, Tupperware isn't our strongest character.\nToken: Fuck you, it's better than the Human Kite!\nKenny: He just likes this plan because he gets two movies in Phase 1.\nCartman: Guys! We have to just go with this plan! We don't even have one movie yet!\nStan: You go with the plan! Maybe we'll just... go and do our own franchise!\nKenny: Yeah!\nTweek: Yeah!\nCartman: Oh! You want civil war! Is that what you want?!\nStan: Yeah dude, civil war. Fuck you! [leaves the table and the basement]\nCartman: Oh fu- oh fuck you! Get out of my house!\nKenny: We'll make WAY more money on OUR franchise! [Token and Tweek leave, then Kenny leaves]\nCartman: Go ahead! I bet you don't even get halfway through Phase 1 on your franchise, DC Comics! [after Kenny leaves, the door closes. A few seconds of silence follows]\nCraig: I thought Civil War wasn't supposed to happen until Phase 3.\nCartman: Shut up, Super Craig."}
{"text": "Scene Description: A children's party, day, \"Happy Birthday, Marcus!\". As the kids have a blast, a parent walks up on stage. which has an electric guitar off to one side. Butters swings at a piñata blindfolded. Wendy and Nelly jump around in the bounce house.\nMarcus' Dad: Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? [taps on the mic to make sure it works] Hello? [the kids quiet down a bit] Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. [the kids clap for him] As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese. [A Chuck E. Cheese mascot stumbles onto the stage]\nChuck E. Cheese: Hey. [hits his snout on the mic] Check.\nMarcus: [laughs as the other kids cheer] Yes. Yehehehehes.\nChuck E. Cheese: [hits his snout on the mic again, pics up a guitar, and begins to play it as he sings] I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday.\nMarcus' Mom: What's wrong with him?\nMarcus' Dad: Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!\nChuck: [stumbles some more and mumbles] Hold on. [strums] Shit. Okay, let's... do this... [Strums] Never meant to cause you any so- [barfs on stage, falls forward onto the ground in front of the stage and dies. Marcus screams]\nScene Description: Marcus' front lawn, later. The kids and Marcus' dad look on as Chuck is loaded onto the gurney and put into the ambulance.\nMarcus' Dad: All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?\nMarcus: I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?! [wails. A paramedic closes the back doors of the ambulance as a police officer stands watch]\nOfficer Stevens: Another drug overdose?\nJohnson: [the paramedic, hands the officer two medications] Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth.\nOfficer Stevens: Prescription drugs, but with no prescription.\nJohnson: You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?\nOfficer Stevens: Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about.\nScene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, day. A rap song plays - \"Stress\" by Continental Five. All day I sat in my cell Just stressin', sittin' back, readin' my mail Reminiscin' about the good times I had Tryin' to relive all the good memories I have Hate the sound it makes when they close the gates Wake up at 6 to eat Nasty cornflakes - The residents look sad and bored. A couple of elderly men play poker. A line of elderly people move along as the cooks serve up their meals in a cafeteria line - one man tries to scoop some mashed potatoes from another man's tray, the other man swats the first man's spoon away. Another elderly man puts the finishing touches on a Hummel tattoo on another man's arm. The front door opens and Stan enters with a present.\nVicky: [receptionist] Can I help you?\nStan: Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa?\nVicky: [puts her hand over her heart] Oh, how nice of you. All right, arms in the air. [two burly men approach Stan. One, Tony, takes the present and hands it to Vicky, the other, Toby, wands Stan. Vicky opens the package] What's the present?\nStan: It's just some Hummels.\nVicky: More Hummels? Why are senior citizens so infatuated with these little German statues? All right, go on, you got ten minutes. [Tony hands the present back to Stan, who goes on in]\nScene Description: The rap picks up where it left off. - they call you in the mornin' and you gotta get up Play dice. Old-timers gonna teach you 'bout life. Get religious, start readin' 'bout Christ. Pray to God. Feels like I'm livin' in Hell But I'm stuck in a cell. Stan walks down the hallway, passing elderly people standing in the doorways to their rooms until he reaches Marvin's room, then enters it.\nStan: Grandpa?\nMarvin: [looking out the window, turns to see him] Billy! [turns around and wheels towards him] Finally you're here to visit. Did you bring Grandpa a present?\nStan: [gives Marvin the present] Yeah, I got what you wanted. [Marvin wheels away to his desk, where he opens the present.]\nMarvin: Awww, Merry Wanderer [The Hummel with yellow umbrella and bowler hat] and Happy Traveler? [The Hummel with bindle and feather in its cap] These Hummels suck!\nStan: That's what the guy gave me.\nMarvin: It's okay, Billy. I'm just gonna need you to deliver another one of Ms. McGullicutty's crochet pillows.\nStan: Aw, come on, Grandpa. Isn't it enough I come to visit?\nMarvin: You don't understand how it works in here. Ms. McGullicutty is top bitch. You do what she says, or you pay the price.\nScene Description: Another rap song plays - \"Brick in Yo' Face\" by Stitches. Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Better have my money when I come to collect. (when I come to collect, when I come to collect) Better have my money when I come to collect. (Pay up, pay up, pay up) I put that brick in yo' face {Say what?} Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Ms. McGullicutty walks down the hallway with two other women. The other residents cower in fear as the three women pass their doors.\nElderly Man 1: Oh, please, uh I don't want no trouble. [the three women enter his room] I'm sorry. I'll get better Hummels.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Stan waits at a corner with the crochet pillow. A car passes by. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk up behind him.\nKyle: Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.\nStan: I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.\nCartman: Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?\nStan: I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.\nCartman: He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.\nStan: Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now. [a red fox with blue gloves and mask prances over]\nSwiper: Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.\nStan: Cool. Do you have the Hummel?\nSwiper: [looks around, then reaches into her tote bag and pulls one out] This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.\nStan: 'Kay, fine. [makes the exchange, and Swiper shakes the pillow until she's satisfied]\nSwiper: All right, peace. [prances away]\nKyle: Dude, that's really weird.\nStan: Old people love Hummels, dude.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Marcus, standing next to a projector screen, addresses everyone in the cafeteria.\nMarcus: Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, [click. A picture comes up on the projector screen] Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But toooo many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown [shown with an accordion], dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine [two genies], who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-man, cut down in prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox. dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society! [the kids cheer and clap as Stan Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are shocked at what they just heard]\nScene Description: The boys' bathroom, later. Stan runs in, quickly followed by Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny.\nCartman: Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!\nStan: I don't know, all right?!\nKyle: You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?\nStan: It didn't occur to me as a possibility.\nCartman: Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!\nStan: I had no idea what was going on!\nButters: [walks in and goes to the urinal] Hey fellas! [smiles and looks at them, then turns around and drops his pants and briefs, then lifts up his shirt and pees in the urinal] Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. [Butters finishes, flushes the urinal, zips up, and turns towards the other boys and looks at them again, smiling] Well, see ya, fellas. [turns left and walks out. The other boys haven't moved an inch the whole time he was there]\nCartman: Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!\nStan: No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.\nScene Description: The retirement home, day. Stan is visiting Marvin again. They're eating lunch together.\nStan: [whispering] Grandpa, what the hell have you gotten me into?!\nMarvin: [whispering] Shhh, quiet. They'll hear you!\nStan: There were drugs in the crochet pillow, weren't there?! Do you know people are dying?!\nMarvin: What do you want me to do, Billy? You see Ms. McGullicutty over there? [she's shown tripping a man as he walks to a table with his lunch and chuckling to herself] Whoever has the best Hummel collection is top bitch in this place, and she's got the best. She's ruthless, and she has those old lady farts. You know old lady farts, right? Where they're so loose they don't even acknowledge they happened?\nMs. McGullicutty: Oh, hello Mr. Marsh. [pfffft]\nMarvin: Oh, Ms. McGullicutty. How are you feeling today?\nMs. McGullicutty: I'm doing very well. [turns her back to him and farts again] Have they given you Percocet for that knee of yours? [pfffft]\nMarvin: Oh, yeah, here, I I just got it, huh. Here you go. [hands her the Percocet]\nMs. McGullicutty: Oh, you'd almost think you were trying to keep them from me. [pfffft]\nStan: Oh, uh, ma'am? My grandpa actually really needs those drugs. He's in a lot of pain.\nMs. McGullicutty: Ohhh, and who's this little rascal? [walks around to Stan's chair and looks over his shoulder]\nMarvin: That's my grandson, uh he he's worthless.\nMs. McGullicutty: How sweet. [pfffft] Hmmm, coming to visit your old poppa in the joint, huh? You love your poppa, don't you? [pfffft. Stan winces] You'd hate to see him suffer even more he already is. [slow, soft pfffft. Stan avoids looking at her and winces again. Now she addresses Marvin] You watch your ass, Marsh, or I'll have you sent to the quiet room. [pfffft. She turns right and walks away, hitting a man with her can on the way out]\nStan: What, what is she talking about? What's the quiet room?\nMarvin: I told you, she has all the pull in here. You go against what she says, you end up in solitaire.\nScene Description: The solitaire room, moments later. Toby and Tony bring in one of the residents to the solitaire table and sit him down.\nMr. Standish: No! No, please, uh I didn't do anything!\nTony: It's all right, Mr. Standish, you just need a little quiet time.\nMr. Standish: Uh, I don't even know how to play solitaire. Please! [they lock him up and leave]\nScene Description: The Park County Coroner's office, day. Marcus approaches and enters the lobby.\nMarcus: I understand that today they are performing Chuck E. Cheese's autopsy?\nReceptionist: Oh, the kids' party performer. Yeah.\nMarcus: As a concerned member of the public, I wish to be present.\nReceptionist: Uh, sorry, children aren't really allowed in autopsies.\nMarcus: Then I shall wait here to learn the coroner's findings.\nScene Description: The forensics lab, moments later. Chuck E. Cheese is on a bed covered in a sheet. A police officer stands by the entrance.\nCoroner: Toxicology reports show subject had massive amounts of opioids in system at time of death. Now proceeding. [he and his assistant pull the sheet off and the coroner begins to saw the performer's mask off. The officer begins to feel sick. The mask is finally removed, and the officer vomits]\nScene Description: The lobby, moments later. The coroner enters with a bag of trash.\nCoroner: Have these put in the garbage.\nMarcus: What did you find, coroner?\nCoroner: Who is this?\nMarcus: There is an epidemic in our community, sir. Some of us actually care to confront the problem! Now, dammit, what did you find?\nCoroner: Nothing out of the ordinary. The subject died of a simple overdose. We found nothing else except for two Hummmels in the subject's rectal cavity.\nMarcus: Hummels? In his rectal cavity, you say? And you do not find this out of the ordinary?\nCoroner: Not at all. We found Hummels in nearly all the birthday entertainers' anal cavities. It's very common in our overdose victims.\nMarcus: Mmmm, a bit too common, don't you think?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. The family is eating dinner. Shelly just looks at her food, lost in thought.\nStan: Guys, why does Grandpa have to be in a nursing home? Can't he live with us again?\nRandy: Stan, Grandpas has a lot of needs that we can't provide him here. He needs professional supervision.\nStan: Is that really it? Because I, I just feel like we kind of threw Grandpa away and forgot about him.\nRandy: Oh really? Do you have any idea how much money we pay to have Grandpa in that place? Your grandpa is stylin'! Can you imagine being able to just sit around all day and not have to do anything but eat and watch TV?\nStan: Yeah. I'd probably go crazy and wanna kill myself.\nRandy: Jesus, Stan! It's not like he's in jail!\nStan: Yeah, it's kind of like jail. You should go visit him.\nRandy: I can't! I'm too busy busting my ass to pay the bills for that place, and to pay for your guitar lessons!\nStan: I don't have guitar lessons.\nRandy: I don't want to go there. It's depressing. Aw you tricked me.\nStan: [his phone rings and he answers] Hello?\nKyle: [at the downtown corner with Butters] Dude! Did you give Butters a crochet pillow to drop off?!\nStan: [quickly leaves the table] Dude, I don't have a choice. I have to get the Hummels for my grandpa.\nKyle: Well, you need to get Hummels without making Butters a drug dealer!\nButters: Drug dealer??\nStan: All right, all right! I think I know another way.\nScene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, day. A different rap song plays - \"They Got Me Locked Up In Here\" by Killer Mike. As it does, the folllowing happens. Toby wheels a man down the hallway, then changes a woman's bed pan. A cook serves up mashed potatoes to a resident and spills some of it outside his tray. A doctor gives a resident some pills, and that resident turns and gives them to Ms. McGullicutty. Other residents line up and do the same. Ms. McGullicutty and her two friends sew the meds into crochet pillows and pass them out to the residents. A resident gives one to her granddaughter, who takes it. An elderly man is working out with small barbells. A resident is in his room looking at his small Hummel collection. The fake plant and mini waterfall are shown. The doctor returns to give another resident five medications. The resident who gave her pillow to her granddaughter says goodbye to her and her parents, then goes back inside with Nurse Lisa. Ms. McGullicutty adds more Hummels to her display case. Stan is at the toy store buying more Hummels. Stan is shown watching the Hummel Shopping Network and purchasing more Hummels over the phone as his friends watch from the sofa. Tony and Toby process Stan again and send him in. Stan gives Marvin a new Hummel. Ms. McGullicutty walks down the hallway with her friends again. Next, Marisol goes over the October activities with the residents. Next the residents go on a tour bus. Next, a kids choir sings for them. Next, canasta is shown. Next, a family says bye to their grandpa and leave. A female resident is wheeled into the hospice section of the retirement community. They got me locked up in here. They got me locked up in here. And I'm sittin' doin' hard time. Pissin' in a metal bowl, eat shit from a lunch line (They got me locked up) And here nobody knows you by your name. You're just a number livin' under bitch-ass rules of a broken game. They put me here to die, left me angry and alone. For the crime of bein' old they threw me in this nursin' home. They got me locked up in here. Rottin' in my cell They got me- Fake plants and waterfalls, it's a livin' hell. They got me locked up in here. So they can throw away their troubles. They got me- All that I have now are my little German Hummels! Hummels! Hummels! Hummels! They got me- Brand new bitch was just admitted next do'. Hot piece of ass 'cause she's only eighty fo'. Next bingo night I'll pound that pussy black and blue. As long as I can get her before Tommy's grandpa do. They got me- Man I can't handle these old people activities. Tour group on a bus. Children come to sing to us. 3 pm canasta, they put me out to pasture. Death row? stop this! I think they call it Hospice Hospice, hospice, hospice.\nDelivery man: Hey, we have this week's delivery of medications.\nVicky: Bring them in. [the delivery man goes outside and motions for a truck driver to back up and dump the medications. The truck backs up and dumps the meds onto the asphalt at the community's entrance, then rolls away. Stan has walked up to the community entrance and watches the truck leave]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker getting his books. He closes is and finds Marcus looking at him.\nStan: Ah!\nMarcus: Hello, Mr. Marsh.\nStan: Uh hey, hey Marcus.\nMarcus: I understand you've become quite the Hummel collector lately. What's the... fascination with Hummels?\nStan: Nothing. I-look, I, I just really like Hummels, okay? I'm just, I'm really into Hummels.\nMarcus: Ah! I see. So then you should be able to tell me what this Hummel is called!\nStan: That, that's uh...\nMarcus: Come on! If you're a Hummel expert, then you should know its name!\nStan: That, it's, it's \"Whistling In The Rain.\"\nMarcus: Wrong! It's called \"Stormy Weather!\" Do you know where it was found?\nStan: No.\nMarcus: It was found deep in the anus of one Chuck E. Cheese, the renowned entertainer beloved by millions! If you know something about the epidemic that is killing artists, you'd better cough it up!\nStan: Marcus, trust me. You don't wanna get involved.\nMarcus: I became involved when Chuck E. Cheese collapsed like a rag doll before my very eyes! If you had any involvement, I will bring you down!\nScene Description: Shady Acres, day. Randy and Sharon visit Marvin. Seems they've been silent for a while.\nRandy: Well, it's really great seeing you, Dad. Guess we oughtta hit the road soon.\nMarvin: You finally come to visit and leave after 10 minutes?\nRandy: Aw Jesus, now we know where Stan gets his guilt trips from!\nMrs. McGullicutty: [appears at Marvin's door] Mmmm [Marvin looks over his shoulder], it seems somebody's been a little naughty lately. [pfffft]\nMarvin: [turns a bit to see her] Oh, Ms. McGullicutty, heh heh. How are you?\nMrs. McGullicutty: [walks over to Marvin's meager Hummel collection] Hrrmm. My, what a lovely Hummel collection you're starting to amass. [sniffs] Almost smells [pfffft]... brand new, doesn't it? [pfft. She turns to face Marvin] Like it was purchased right from the factory. [pfffft] Ooooo! And who are these lovely people? [walks up to Randy and Sharon] Family that came to visit, no doubt? [pfft]\nRandy: [holding his breath] Yes. Yeah, we love coming here.\nMrs. McGullicutty: Ah, family. I remember when I was a little girl. [pfffft] My brother used to play such tricks on me. [pfft-pfft] Tried to fool me. Tried to get out from his responsibilities. [pfffft]\nMarvin: I'm giving you Hummels. What's it matter where they came from? [Mrs. McGullicutty farts again]\nMrs. McGullicutty: [chuckles] Nooo, [Randy covers his nose] it doesn't matter to me. But it matters to them. [pfffft] The big guys. You see, what they want is more people who are addicted to crochet pillows. [pfffft] Got it? [pfffft. She makes her way towards the door] Nice to meet you fine folks. [pfffft]\nRandy: Wugh. [whispers to Sharon] We're never visiting here again.\nScene Description: Kyle's house. Cartman and Butters are playing a video game as Kyle and Kenny watch. Butters reacts as if he's a goner.\nCartman: Ohooo, you're dead Butters.\nButters: Haw Jeez.\nStan: [runs in] Guys! Guys, I need your help.\nCartman: If it has to do with your heroin operation, count us out.\nStan: I just talked to my grandpa. There's more at work here than just old people pushing pills.\nKyle: Stan, we told you we don't wanna be involved.\nStan: [stands in front of the TV] The head bitch of the nursing home is gonna take my grandpa down. Maybe my whole family.\nButters: [trying to see the game] Get out of the way, dude!\nStan: But I know what to do! Whoever has the best Hummels controls the nursing home. We've gotta steal this lady's Hummel collection and give it to my grandpa!\nCartman: [walks up to Stan] Dude, Stan, even if we wanted to help you, which we don't, there's no way we can sneak into an old folks home, distract all the old people, and take an old lady's Hummels! [turns to the left with a thought and walks off] Oh wait, there totally is a way we could do that.\nStan: [catches up] Yeah? What ih, what is it, Cartman.\nKyle: Dude, we're not getting involved!\nStan: Cartman, if you have an idea, please tell me. I need you.\nCartman: I know how to distract old people.\nKyle: Haww shit!\nScene Description: Marcus's house, living room. A cordless phone rings, and Marcus answers it.\nMarcus: Yes?\nAnnie: We're at Mimi Thompson's party. Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage. [it's Mimi's 10th birthday]\nMarcus: Oh my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! [leaves the house. Soon he's at the party] Move aside! Let me through! [reaches the stage and kneels next to Peppa] Aw Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me? [Peppa moans] My name is Marcus Preston. Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh?\nPeppa: [a black man in costume] Yo man, whatchoo talkin' about? Get me a fuckin' ambulance!\nMarcus: [tearing up] Shh, Peppa. Focus. Soon you'll be in heaven jumping in all the puddles you can imagine. But first, you must tell me, where do the Hummels go, Peppa?\nAmbulance lady: All right, let us through. Get away, kids.\nMarcus: Peppa, now! Why Hummels?! You've got to squeal!\nPeppa: Old people. Old people... love... Hummels. [groans a couple more times and dies]\nMarcus: It's okay, she's with Chuck E. Cheese now.\nScene Description: Shady Acres, day. The front doors open. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters enter as a barbershop quartet.\nVicky: Can I help you?\nCartman: Oh yes, hello. We are adorable children here to entertain old people.\nVicky: Didn't think we had anyone scheduled tonight. Are you with the Protestant youth group?\nCartman: Yes that's right, we are young prostitutes here to volunteer however we can.\nVicky: Fine. Round them up, we got another kids choir!\nScene Description: The hallway. Toby walks down it and announces.\nToby: Come on, let's go. Children's choir in the commons.\nResidents: [amid groans] Aw dammit. Shit.\nToby: Darlin' children are gonna sing for you! Move your asses!\nElderly Man 2: Aw, not again.\nScene Description: The commons, later. The boys are on stage.\nCartman: All right, seniors. How are we feeling tonight? Our youth group has come to lift your spirits with some songs to take you down memory lane. We hope you can enjoy some nice old-people music. [blows into a pitch pipe to determine a scale to sing in]\nCartman: I'm... insane in the membrane.\nThe Boys: Insane in the membrane.\nButters: Insane in the brain\nThe Boys: Crazy insane, got no brain.\nCartman: In the membrane.\nScene Description: The hallway. Stan looks at every name on the residents' doors to find Mrs. McGullicutty's room.\nScene Description: The commons. The boys move on to their next song.\nCartman: Myyyy milkshake brings all the boys\nThe Boys: to the yard, and they're like [Butters sticks his finger into his mouth and pops it out] it's better than yours.\nCartman: Damn right!\nThe Boys: [Butters sticks his finger into his mouth and pops it out] it's better than yours.\nCartman: My hot milkshake. And now here's our own take on that oldie, but goodie by Nirvana.\nThe Boys: In the cool, cool winter.\nCartman: Rape me.\nThe Boys: In the hot hot summertime. Rape me, my friend.\nElderly Man 3: You suck!\nCartman: Hey hey! We are adorable children trying to bring sunshine into your lives!\nElderly Man 3: [gives Cartman the bird] Fuck you!\nCartman: Fuck you! [picks a different note] If you\nThe Boys: Want to call me baby\nCartman: Just go ahead now-\nScene Description: Mrs. McGullicutty's room, in the dark. Stan is now inside. He looks around and stumbles across the bed pan. He's a bit startled, but soon sees the display case, lit up inside. He gets a hair clip out and picks the display case's lock. The lock opens and he opens the display case doors. He stuffs his bag with every Hummel in the case. The door swings open slowly, and Marcus walks in on him.\nMarcus: Hello, Mr. Marsh!\nStan: Marcus.\nMarcus: [turns on the light] I told you I'd bring you down. [quickly takes out his phone and takes a picture]\nStan: Marcus, it's not what you think. I'm trying to make things better here. [he and Marcus begin to walk around each other slowly]\nMarcus: Oh, I bet you are! You, your grandpa, ALL the people here, are going to jail! I'm calling the police!\nStan: You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people!\nMarcus: [turns his back to Stan] Oh, you're a fine one for speeches! When it comes to saving your own ass!\nStan: It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. [Marcus stops dialing] I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. [Marcus begins to soften and soon gets emotional] That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.\nMarcus: [turns around, sobbing] He was just a mouse... who wanted to make people happy. [walks up to Stan, and they hug each other]\nStan: I know. I know.\nScene Description: The commons. The boys move on to their next song. Kyle provides a bass beat.\nThe Boys: No time to search the world around When I come around. When I come around.\nCartman: I come around. [the residents begin to leave one by one]\nButters: Hey, where are ya'll goin'?\nMrs. McGullicutty: Back to our rooms. You kids are absolutely awful. [pfffft]\nScene Description: The hallway. The residents go to their rooms.\nMrs. McGullicutty: [notices her door already open] What the? [pfft] Someone is in my room! [pfffft. She goes in with her two friends]\nScene Description: Mrs. McGullicutty's room. She gasps, then farts.\nMrs. McGullicutty: Whaaaat?! [pfffft]\nScene Description: Marvin Marsh's room. He rolls in and finds Stan there.\nMarvin: Billy. What are you doin' here?\nStan: [moves to his right] Surprise, Grandpa. [a bag appears where Stan stood just moments ago] I got what you needed.\nMarvin: Heh. [rolls forward] Billy, Mrs. McGullicutty's Hummel collection. You got it for me.\nStan: Yeah, Grandpa. Now you can put a stop to all this, right?\nMarvin: Yeah. I just might be able to.\nScene Description: The hallway. Ms. McGullicutty and her friends rush down the hallway.\nScene Description: Marvin Marsh's room. Marvin rises from his wheelchair.\nStan: What are you doing, Grandpa?\nMarvin: I told you, Billy. These Hummels hold a special power with old people.\nMrs. McGullicutty: [enters with her friends] You! [pfffft]\nMarvin: [to Stan] Go on, get out of here.\nMrs. McGullicutty: You really thought stealing my Hummels would make you the head bitch in this place?! [pfffft]\nMarvin: Yeah. I think it will. [swings the bag around and gives her a bloody nose]\nMrs. McGullicutty: Aaah! [Marvin swings the bag around and takes out Mrs. McGullicutty's friends, he keeps swinging at them as they escape his room. The other residents look out of their rooms and cheer him on. He swings at Mrs. McGullicutty all the way down the hallway until she stops moving. The boys arrive]\nMarvin: [turns and looks at the boys, and smiles] Now you know how we do shit in the nursing home.\nCartman: ...That's pretty sweet.\nScene Description: South Park, dawn. The sun comes up over town.\nScene Description: Shady Acres. Tony and Toby escort Ms. McGullicutty away from the Senior Cafe.\nMrs. McGullicutty: You get your paws off of me, young man! [pfffft]\nTony: There there, Ms. McGullicutty. Everything's gonna be all right. [they take her to solitaire]\nMrs. McGullicutty: No! [pfffft] Not solitaire! [pfffft] I won't play it! You can't make me! [pffpffft. Tony and Toby put her inside and lock the door. Stan and Marvin watch from the Senior Cafe]\nStan: Congratulations on becoming head bitch, Grandpa.\nMarvin: Thank you, Billy. Now if we could only take down the real douchebags who profit from all this.\nStan: Ahhh, don't worry. I have a feeling that's about to happen.\nScene Description: Pebble Beach Hotel and Resort, Florida, day. There's a doctors' seminar there for U.S. Pharmaceuticals. Inside, jazz music place and conversations fill the air. The doors open, Marcus enters, and the music stops playing.\nMarcus: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Preston. I have... some questions."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, evening. Gerald drives his car down a street with two other men, Stuart and Roger, all dressed as witches. The song playing is Bow Wow Wow's \"I Want Candy.\" The men bop along with it and eventually smile.\nStuart: What time are the other guys gettin' there?\nRoger: Everyone just said sundown, which should be soon.\nGerald: I want candy.\nThe Three men: I want candy.\nScene Description: The Valmer house, moments later. Gerald pulls up to the house and honks a few times. Ryan peeks out, then comes out in his witch costume and a bag, and enters the car.\nGerald: Lookin' good, Ryan.\nRyan: Yeah, I got a real cape this year. Check it out. [holds it up for the others to check out, and Gerald pulls away]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, moments later. Randy is dressed, just tying his right boot up.\nRandy: Hey Sharon, did you see the box of Jack Daniels?\nSharon: Oh no, you're not doing this again.\nRandy: What do you mean? Of course I am.\nSharon: Stan wanted us to take him to the pumpkin patch.\nRandy: Sharon, you know the week leading up to Halloween is always my Witch Party Week with the guys.\nSharon: Yeah, and you guys get wasted.\nRandy: We have some drinks. Come on, all the other guys' wives aren't being bitchy about it.\nScene Description: The street, moments later. Gerald pulls up to Randy's house and honks. Randy comes out with a case of Jack Daniels and heads for the car.\nRandy: Sup, witches! [gets into the car]\nGerald: Alright, Randy's got the JD!\nRandy: Yep. Who's got the other stuff.\nStuart: Kevin said he's bringing it. [Randy chuckles, then the other men join in]\nScene Description: Heidi's room, evening. Cartman is there, waiting on her.\nCartman: [Impatient, yet quiet] Come on, come on... [normal voice] Sweetheart, can we get going, please?\nHeidi: [from her closet] Hang on, babe. Just a couple more things. [tosses out random pieces of clothing]\nCartman: Honey, the pumpkin patch opened like an hour ago and 'member how I was saying I want to get there early?\nHeidi: [dressed in a black spider suit and orange skirt with bats on it] What do you think?\nCartman: [urgently] Great, perfect. Let's go to the pumpkin patch.\nHeidi: Yup! Almost ready. [gets up on her chair and pulls out two items from her dresser]\nCartman: Wha-what?\nHeidi: Okay, spider or the bat?\nCartman: [getting exasperated] The spider's great.\nHeidi: Really? 'Cause I think I like the bat.\nCartman: [quietly, from the other side of her bed] Why does she do this every time?\nHeidi: What, babe?\nCartman: [urgently] I said it's time. Boy, look at the time.\nHeidi: 'Kay, all set.\nCartman: [leaves the bedroom] 'Kay, here we go, going to the pumpkin patch.\nHeidi: [leaves the bedroom] Okay! Oh! I forgot my glitter lip gloss! [heads for the bathroom]\nCartman: You don't need glitter lip gloss!\nHeidi: [stops short of the bathroom, turns around and walks back] Eric, are you upset? Do you need to talk about something?\nCartman: No! No, we don't need to talk! Ah, I'm super happy!\nHeidi: Oh, okay. [heads back to the bathroom, and Cartman is dejected. Heidi looks back for a second] Hang on, I gotta pee. [closes the bathroom door]\nCartman: Cool, you got to pee again. Awesome.\nScene Description: The woods, night. At a parking lot, several cars are parked next to each other. As Gerald pulls into a parking space, two other men get out of their own car.\nStephen: Almost thought you guys were gonna bail on us.\nRandy: [chuckling] Yeah, right. We're gonna miss the first night of the party.\nGerald: Sup, Stephen, Chip.\nChip: Just ready to party farty, witches. [holds up two six-packs of Samuel Adams beer]\nRandy: Well, I got the Jack.\nThomas: [steps out of his truck with Steve] And I got the crack.\nRandy: Oh yeah! Jack and Crack Witch Week! Let's do this!\nGerald: Everybody up the hill! [the men proceed up the hill, singing Wang Chung's \"Everybody Have Fun Tonight\"]\nThe men: Everybody have fun tonight Jack and Crack Witch Week tonight Everybod-\nScene Description: The Turner house, evening. Heidi's parents have been chatting with Liane as they wait for the kids to come down the stairs.\nMr. Turner: Thanks for taking the kids out tonight, Ms. Cartman. Heidi's been looking forward to it.\nLiane: Oh yes, my little Eric just loves the pumpkin patch. It's one of his favorite events of the year.\nCartman: Okay, come on, let's go.\nLiane: All right, you kids all ready?\nCartman: [directing his comments at Heidi upstairs] Yup. All set to go to the pumpkin patch! It's been open for over an hour now! [Heidi finally comes down the stairs]\nNancy Turner: Ohoh, don't you look cute, Heidi.\nCartman: [goes to the front door and opens it] Awesome. Here we go, heading out now!\nHeidi: Hold on, Eric. I want a picture.\nCartman: No! Pumpkin patch is gonna, eh-\nHeidi: Will you take a picture, dad?\nCartman: See, all the best pumpkins get taken and then eh-\nMr. Turner: Cheese.\nCartman: Okay, come on! Here we go, going out the door! Go, Mom!\nHeidi: Bye Daddy! Love you!\nCartman: [at the car door] 'Kay, here we go to the pumpkin patch!\nHeidi: Oh crap. Hang on! I forgot my bracelet!\nCartman: [in the car] Oh my fucking God!\nLiane: Eric, potty mouth.\nCartman: Arrrrrrrrgh!\nScene Description: The woods, night. Stephen starts a campfire. Randy serves up the Jack Daniels, then takes a drink and sighs. The other men drink their cups too. The men then share a crack pipe, and then they form a circle around the campfire and slowly go around it.\nThe men: Put a spell on our bosses. Put a spell on our wives. A hex on the Patriots. Let's fuck up their lives!\nRandy: And screw the Raiders too!\nThe men: Yeah! [some time passes and they're getting wasted]\nRandy: No way. Check out Stephen, you guys.\nStephen: [walks around as if riding a broom] Heeheeheehee. Happy Witch Week! [falls to the ground face first] Ow. [the other men laugh at him.]\nChip: [walks in with a book] Hey, HEY! [the partying stops] You guys wanna see some real witchcraft? [no one replies for a few seconds]\nRandy: Oooooooooooooo. [the men laugh]\nChip: I mean it! I got this spell book last month. Got it in Salem, Massachusetts. They say it's real.\nRandy: Like real, how?\nChip: Like from the Devil himself. You guys wanna try it?\nThe men: Yeah.\nScene Description: Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch, night. People are leaving with pumpkins as Cartman and Heidi arrive. Cartman jumps out of the car and runs towards the patch.\nHeidi: Hey, wait up, babe! [Cartman stops, closes his eyes, and stretches out his hand for Heidi to take when she catches up to him]\nButters: [walks by with his pumpkin and his mom] Hey, where you been, Eric?\nScott: Oh boy! What a great time that was.\nTicket-taker: Thanks for coming, kids. [sees Cartman and Heidi approaching] Oh, you just getting here?\nCartman: Yeah, we are just getting here.\nTicket-taker: Okay uh, go on in, I suppose. Petting zoo's closed, and I think they stopped the churro machine.\nCartman: The petting zoo's cl- The petting zoo's closed?\nTicket-taker: Yeah. You can still maybe do the bouncy house.\nHeidi: Come on, babe!\nScene Description: The woods, later. Chip is reading from the spell book.\nChip: Arkna. Peduum. Uthnod boral.\nRandy: That's pretty cool. [strikes up a crack pipe]\nChip: Uthnod boral! Uthnod alvernderaal! Wickus! [a green glow emanates from the book] Stayfalls-wuh. Uh.\nRandy: Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa.\nChip: Ach. Oh, it burns!\nStephen: Okay, Chip. You might need to ease up on that crack there, buddy. [Chip drops the book and screams, and begins to transform into an actual witch. A broom flies to him and he rides off on it, cackling]\nScene Description: South Park, night, seconds later. Chip flies over the town and past South Park Elementary, where the parent/teacher conference is being held.\nChip: I'll kill you all! Kill you all!\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, moments later. Chip flies up cackling and begins lobbing flaming jack-o-lanterns at the adults there. One of them crashes into the parking lot and throws off a few people with its impact. Another one hits a car, stopping it in its tracks and wrecking it. The passengers get knocked out from the impact. Everyone else tries to disperse, screaming.\nChip: [cackling] You'll all be dead by Halloween! [cackles some more]\nScene Description: Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch. Everyone is running out.\nTicket-taker: Get out! Everyone out!\nCartman: What do you mean?! I just got here!\nTicket-taker: There's a witch! [Chip flies in and starts bombing the patch]\nHeidi: Come on, Eric!\nCartman: No! I missed it! I missed it all! [Heidi pulls him away. Chip sees a boy, plucks him off the ground and carries him away]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, next day. Randy comes down the stairs quite beat from the might before, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction. He turns and notices Sharon with her arms crossed.\nRandy: Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.\nSharon: Did you hear anything about what happened last night?\nRandy: Uuuhhh, nnno, what happened?\nSharon: Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, on which there's a news report about it] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?\nRandy: Are you serious?!\nSharon: You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!\nRandy: [hands her back the phone and walks off] God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode!\nSharon: Randy, what did you guys do at that party?\nRandy: [turns around] Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.\nSharon: People were hurt!\nRandy: Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!\nScene Description: South Park Elememntary cafeteria, lunchtime. The kids are nervous, looking over their shoulders. The core group of boys is at table eating lunch.\nKyle: Did any of you guys actually see the witch?\nJimmy: Yeah, it was terrifying. She had a broom and a cackle and everything.\nToken: What are we gonna do, guys?\nButters: Our parents are never gonna let us trick or treat with a flying witch around! [next to him, Cartman has an angry glare on his face]\nKyle: They say she blew up the pumpkin patch. Did any of you guys see that?\nStan: No, I missed the whole thing. I always try to get to the pumpkin patch really early.\nButters: Yeah, I got there really early too. You get the best pumpkins that way. Anyways, I guess the witch destroyed the whole thing. [the camera begins to focus on Cartman's glare]\nStan: We've got to take matters into our own hands. None of us is safe.\nButters: Yeah, but what are we gonna do?\nKyle: No, we've got to just hope the police will handle it.\nStan: Yeah, right. Like they'll handle anything. [from a nearby table, Heidi peeks past Bebe and smiles at Cartman, waving at him]\nToken: Stan's right. This might fall on us. [Cartman waves back, his glare fixed on her]\nButters: Yeah, we've got to save Halloween. Don't you think so, Eric?\nCartman: [his concentration is broken] What?\nButters: We've got to do something to get rid of her!\nCartman: Yes. You're right, guys. It's my only way out.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is watching TV on the sofa. Randy, in costume, walks past her with another case of Jack Daniels.\nRandy: All right, see you, Sharon. Have a good night.\nSharon: [displeased] Where do you think you're going?\nRandy: What do you mean? It's Day 2 of Witch Week with the guys.\nSharon: [stands up] You can't possibly be considering doing this again!\nRandy: Why not?\nSharon: Randy, a real witch is flying around in the skies snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying!\nRandy: Wugh! Gau! Just because of one bad witch we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-someodd years?! Jesus! [turns around and walks out the front door]\nScene Description: Gerald's car. Randy walks to it and enters. The mood is subdued due to the flying witch.\nGerald: Hey Randy.\nRandy: Sup guys?\nRyan: You know, just getting a bunch of shit for being witches.\nRandy: I know, right? It's like, there's one awful witch who wants to kill everybody, so now they're coming after all of us. This is like a witch... thingy.\nStuart: It's like a witch pursuit thingy.\nRandy: A witch uhhh-\nGerald: It's a witch chase and shoot 'em up.\nRandy: Yeah, that's what it is!\nScene Description: The woods, second night. The cars pull into the same lot as before, but now a sign is shown: Sentinel Hill park, which is closed. The men get out of their cars and walk up to another sign posted on an orange barricade.\nRyan: Hey, what the hell is this?\nRandy: [reading the sign] \"Park closed until further notice\". That's bullshit!\nStuart: Oh my God.\nRandy: They can't do this! The whole town really is on a witch pursuit thing!\nScene Description: South Park, night. Chip is back in the air bombing houses, and people run to get out of the way. Chip spots Leroy and scoops him up.\nScene Description: Kyle's room, night. he's on his computer reading a Wikipedia article on witches. Stan, Kenny, and Butters stand behind him looking at the screen.\nKyle: Check this out, you guys. It says that to destroy a witch you need bent pits, nine in all, each bent into an L shape.\nStan: What are bent pits? [Cartman walks in with some plans]\nCartman: Hey guys, I think I got it figured out.\nStan: You do?\nButters: I knew Eric would come up with a plan! [Cartman puts up a drawing of his plan, which involves the boys luring Heidi to her death, burying the body, and celebrating her death with a pizza. He then brings out his retractable pointer and starts pointing]\nCartman: Okay, first of all, we need a scary place to lure her into. What is the creepiest place in town? Ross Dress for Less, that's right. Stan and Kyle will wait inside the Ross Dress for Less, and I will bring Heidi there. Once inside, Kenny and Butters will set off a series of explosions that will-\nStan: Wait wait wait wait. What the fuck are you talking about?\nCartman: This is how we're going to get rid of Heidi.\nKyle: Nobody's talking about getting rid of Heidi!\nCartman: You guys said you would help me get rid of her!\nKyle: OF THE WITCH!\nCartman: Who cares about a witch?! My life is a living hell, you guys!\nKyle: Then break up with her! You clearly can't stand her! LET THE POOR GIRL GO!\nCartman: I've tried! It's impossible!\nKyle: Heidi is a nice girl! How could you be so awful to her?!\nCartman: You don't understand! She has no time-management skills whatsoever! You don't know 'cause you've never had a girlfriend, Kyle! [Kyle just stares angrily at him] Fine. Just leave me to suffer. Next time you want me to kill someone for you, just forget about it! [leaves the room]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor is speaking to the students and their parents in the gym.\nMayor McDaniels: Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town, and I wanna speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves. But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a [does air quotes] \"witch pursuit thing\". [walks off the stage as the gentlemen in costume get on stage and arrange themselves around the mic]\nRichard: Oh wait, I'm supposed to be-\nRandy: Yeah, sure, no. [to Stuart] You go over there.\nStuart: Right. Right right right. [music starts and they begin singing]\nThe men: We're all on the same side, you and I. Let's all stick togetha, let's try. When things are going bad and there's people you need to confront. Just be sure it doesn't turn into a witch pursuit thing.\nStephen: [as the other men provide ambient harmony] Hey guys, there's good witches and there's bad witches, and we stand with you in saying this particular witch needs to be brought down. But that doesn't men we should all be closing parks and stopping all witch activity because [catches up with the others on vocals]\nThe men: Let's not turn this into a witch pursuit thing.\nKyle: [to Gerald] Dad, get out of here! We're trying to deal with an actual witch! Nobody's coming after you!\nGerald: Yes they are, boys! And next they'll be coming after you! 'Cause you're all little sons a witches!\nRyan: Right. You don't have to worry about us, going around snatching children. Only the other witch does that. [Cartman's face lights up and he looks at Heidi. He gets a mischievous look in his eyes]\nScene Description: Later, school hallway. Heidi is at her locker.\nCartman: Hey, babe.\nHeidi: Oh. Hey Eric.\nCartman: Listen uh, there's a big fun costume party tonight and I was thinking you and me should go. What do you say?\nHeidi: A costume party? With everything that's going on?\nCartman: Yeah, I just think, you know, we need to let off some steam and have a little Halloween fun, you know? I already have our costumes picked out.\nHeidi: Well... I guess.\nCartman: Cool. I'll pick you up at 5.\nHeidi: Well, maybe make it 4:30 if you're bringing the costumes. [Cartman turns left and walks away] I might need a little extra time getting ready.\nCartman: [stops, then mischievously] Ohohoh, I'm counting on it. [walks off]\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. One of the good witches rings the doorbell, and Randy lets him in.\nStephen: Randy, can I talk to you?\nRandy: Sure, Stephen.\nStephen: I've been doing a lot of thinking, Randy. About the past. About what we've done. I think it's time we come clean and tell everyone about the crack. And the spells against our wives.\nRandy: [quickly closes the door and walks up to Stephen] Okay, look. You're freaked out, it's understandable.\nStephen: I have to admit what I've done wrong, Randy! I feel like everything's crashing down and I want Linda to hear it from me first.\nRandy: Okay, we smoked a little crack. We put harmless spells on our wives. We were just messing around, it was harmless fun.\nStephen: Was it? Or did we close our eyes to what Chip Duncan was becoming?\nRandy: Stephen, you can't turn on your own kind. That's what these witch pursuit thingies do, okay? They make everyone go crazy.\nStephen: I'm sorry, Randy. I have to clear my conscience.\nRandy: [sighs] All right, Stephen. At least give us till tomorrow morning to talk to our wives and prepare them, all right? Can you just give us till morning?\nStephen: Yeah, sure. [walks to the front door] I'm sorry.\nRandy: It's okay. It's okay. [Stephen leaves. A few second later, Randy is on the phone calling up someone] Hey, it's Randy. We've got until tomorrow morning to sacrifice Stephen to the Devil. I'll explain later, just get everyone together. And, maybe bring just a little bit of crack.\nScene Description: The woods, night. Cartman and Heidi, dressed as Hansel and Gretel, wander through it.\nHeidi: Don't you think we should stay on the main roads, Eric? This seems like a bad place to be right now.\nCartman: Don't worry, Heidi. This is the fastest way to the party. [loudly] I'm sure the witch won't even notice us.\nHeidi: Eric, come on, this is a bad idea. Let's turn around.\nCartman: Well, Heidi, if we'd been on time, we wouldn't need to take a short cut. But I wanted to give you your space to get ready.\nHeidi: [sensing the sarcasm] Is that what this is about? You're still mad about the pumpkin patch, aren't you?\nCartman: Why would I be mad? You wanted to make sure you looked right, and then you had to eat and use the bathroom 40 times. I can't blame you for missing the pumpkin patch.\nHeidi: I didn't use the bathroom 40 times! [Chip is heard above them] What was that? [the leaves in the trees rustle and she looks up] Eric! Did you hear that?! [she turns to see him, but he's gone] Eric?! Eric! Oh my God! Eric, are you okay?!\nChip: [finally appears] Well, well. What have we here?\nCartman: [barely above a whisper, hiding behind a fallen tree trunk] Sweet. Come on, come on.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Butters show up, and Stan knocks on the door. Kyle answers the door.\nStan: Dude, is your dad home?\nKyle: No, I, I don't know where he is.\nStan: We can't find our dads either.\nButters: Yeah, and it turns out our dads and the bad witch were all part of the same witch group.\nStan: We asked our moms, and they said this has been going on for years. We've got to find them before something stupider happens.\nKyle: How are we gonna do that?\nStan: There's another guy. Someone else who was in the witches' club that hasn't been around for a while.\nKyle: Who?\nScene Description: The White House, night. The President, also dressed as a witch, is in the Oval Office.\nPresident's Aide: [opens the door and looks in] Mr. President, you have an urgent call from a Butters Stotch?\nGarrison: [lost in thought, he perks up] Butters? What's he want? [picks up the phone at his desk] This is the President.\nButters: Oh, uh, eh hello Mr. President. How are you?\nStan: [in Butters' room with Kyle and Kenny] Butter him up, Butters.\nButters: How uh, how is runnin' the country going?\nGarrison: Oh, it's fine. You know, just makin' the country great again.\nButters: Did you get rid of all the immigrants like you said?\nGarrison: I got rid of like, six of 'em so far. You know, it's a little harder than I thought.\nButters: Cool. Ah-and did you build that big wall you were gonna build?\nGarrison: Don't be a dick, Butters. Are you just callin' to shit on my Halloween?\nButters: N-no, sir! I uh, well, the thing is, uh, didn't you used to do J and C Witch Week with our dads?\nGarrison: Yeah, it was my favorite time of year. Now I just have to celebrate it alone.\nButters: Well, the thing is, Mr. President, one of the guys did a spell and took a bunch of children, and he's gonna eat 'em all.\nGarrison: Lemme guess: Chip Duncan. Oh, that guy was always such a douche.\nButters: Mr. President, please, you've gotta help. Our dads can't do anything 'cause they're scared people are comin' after all wtiches.\nGarrison: Comin' after all witches? Oh, Jeez...\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night. It's all decked out for Halloween.\nSgt. Yates: So you were there when the witch showed up and took your girlfriend.\nCartman: Yes, it just came out of nowhere. I tried to save Heidi, but it was too late.\nSgt. Yates: What was your girlfriend wearing?\nCartman: She was dressed kind of like me, but had a simple Munich dirndl from Germany.\nRick: And you didn't stop at all to think that what you were doing might attract a witch?\nCartman: Excuse me?! Are you actually trying to blame the victim here?!\nRick: No, I'm just saying that if there's a big fat witch around, maybe you shouldn't walk around in the woods dressed as Hansel and Gretel.\nCartman: Ohhhhh!\nSgt. Yates: Whoa, whoa, not cool, Rick. Not cool.\nCartman: I will have your badge, sir!\nSgt. Yates: [looks towards the camera] Sorry folks, sorry.\nCop 1: Detective! Detective! Call just came in. The witch has been spotted at Ross Dress For Less.\nSgt. Yates: Everyone to Ross Dress For Less, now!\nScene Description: Ross Dress For Less, night. Only a couple of cars are in the parking lot, and the store is closed. A witch wanders into view.\nStephen: Guys? I'm here. Guys? What's this all about?\nRandy: Hello, Stephen.\nStephen: Oh, hey. What are we meeting here for?\nRyan: It's too late, Stephen. We called the police. We know you took those children.\nStephen: What? What uh, What are you doing?\nSteve: [accompanied by Stuart] Here he is, everybody! Stephen's a bad witch!\nStephen: Nooo! [people begin to gather around the witches]\nRandy: We're putting a stop to you, Stephen, because that's what good witches do!\nStephen: Oh my God! I see what this is! This witch pursuit thing has you on a witch pursuit thing now! [several police cars pull into the parking lot and officers pour out of them] I'm innocent. Please!\nSgt. Yates: It's over, Stotch. What have you done with the children?\nStephen: Noho, don't you see?! They're just doing their own witch pursuit thingy now! This is madness! [Chip is heard cackling from up in the air. Everyone looks up to see him flying over Ross Dress For Less, then hug their kids to keep them safe]\nChip: [lands and gets off the broom] Hey, what's up, bros?\nStephen: \"What's up, bros?\" Chip, do you see all the chaos you've caused?\nChip: Yeah, so? I'm a witch.\nRandy: Ugh, you understand everyone associates us with you, right?\nChip: Of course they do. You're all witches too, dudes!\nSteve: Not like you!\nStuart: What'd you do with the children?\nChip: They're all in here! See? [opens his bag]\nKids: [voices heard while light emanates from the depth of the bag] Daddy, help! Mommy, help! Ahh!\nChip: I'm going to use their souls to increase my power!\nA townsman: Look! Another witch is flying down now! [a shot of Air Force One flying towards town]\nScene Description: Butters' room, night. He's typing something on his computer when Stan enters his room with Kyle and Kenny behind him.\nStan: Butters, come on! We've gotta go!\nButters: Okay! Where?\nStan: I guess our witches were gonna sacrifice your witch, but then the bad witch showed up and now the witch we called just arrived. There's witches everywhere!\nButters: Holy moly! [leaves his chair and follows the others out]\nScene Description: The Ross Dress For Less parking lot. Randy tries to reason with Chip.\nRandy: Look, Chip, if we had known you were gonna hurt people, we would have never even hung out.\nChip: Oh, give me a break, Randy.\nRandy: No, seriously.\nChip: Like if one of you guys had the power I have, you wouldn't use it.\nRandy: No we wouldn't!\nGarrison: Excuse me. [makes his way to the front of the group]\nChip: Oh, hey man!\nGarrison: You're ruining the party for everyone, Chip! I'm here to take you out!\nChip: [cackles] You'll never stop me! [levitates] I grow more powerful every moment!\nGarrison: You wanna see real power? [into his pocket mic disguised as a lapel pin] All right, take the shot. [a solar-powered satellite takes aim at the President's location with three beeps, and two lasers shoot down towards it. The shot obliterates Chip, but his bag and broom fall away unscathed. A few moments of stunned silence, and the witches celebrate as Garrison fist-pumps. Two officers quickly come up and open the bag]\nPeter: [pops out of the bag] I'm free! [two girls pop out]\nA girl: Mommy! Daddy! [the boy Chip plucked first pops out of the bag]\nSgt. Yates: Is that all of them?\nCop 2: There's one more little girl. Come on out, little girl.\nHeidi: Okay. Just a second.\nCop 2: Com- come on, little girl. Everyone's waitin' on ya.\nHeidi: Okay. Almost ready. Hang on.\nCartman: [sighs] It's gonna be a while.\nGerald: Well, we did it, guys.\nRyan: Everyone will be stoked on us now.\nRandy: Hey! And there's still a few nights left of Jack and Crack Witch Week.\nGarrison: Everybody follow me! I've got tons of Jack, tons of crack, and a jet! [the other witches cheer and follow him to the jet]\nThe men: Party's back on! We did it, guys!\nRandy: [looks back at Sharon] Don't wait up, Sharon! I'm gonna party with El Presidente. [Sharon and remaining townspeople are mad]\nScene Description: The Turner house, day, Heidi's room. Cartman waits for Heidi on her bed as she plans out her costume in the closet. They're dressed in traditional Halloween costumes, he as Count Dracula, she as a black kitten.\nHeidi: All ready to trick or treat?\nCartman: [bored] Yeah, no. I've been ready for a couple hours now.\nHeidi: Cool. I just wanna put on some lip gloss. Do these stockings go with this outfit? I thought maybe I should use the red ones. [Cartman removes his fake teeth and throws them on the floor] Is it cold out? You think I should put a hoodie on over this? Nah, covers up my costume too much, don't you think? [Cartman throws his plastic jack-o-lantern pail to the floor] Okay, all ready. [Cartman perks up a bit] Oh wait, hang on. [she goes back into her closet, Cartman's perk is gone] I can't decide if I should wear leggings or not. Is it gonna be cold? Should I just-"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Heidi's house, night. She's in her room, in bed, but can't sleep. She has her phone with her, on her bed. A call comes in and she picks up. It's Cartman, of whom she has a wallpaper on her phone. She sighs and answers.\nHeidi: [expectantly] Yes, Eric?\nCartman: [sobbing uncontrollably] Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!-\nHeidi: Eric, this isn't working.\nCartman: Heid- Heidi, no, please! Heidi, Heidi, I would be nothing without you, okay? I'm sorry. Okay? Please!\nHeidi: You called me a whore and pushed me in front of a car.\nCartman: Heidi, I was in a bad mood! I told you, that's what happens after I eat! My blood sugar spikes and I get all anxious, and then I cra-\nHeidi: Eric, you just can't keep being mean to me and blaming it on your blood sugar.\nCartman: But ih, but it's true, Heidi! It's all my mom's fault. She feeds me all this crap, and my body doesn't know how to process it. Mom! Mom!\nLiane: Yes, hon?\nCartman: You fucked up my life, Mom! Fuck you! How could you feed me like that, you bitch?! Get outta here!\nHeidi: Eric, if blood sugar is really the problem, then you need to change how you eat, right?\nCartman: Right. Like, whattaya whattaya mean?\nHeidi: Eric, every time I've talked to you about maybe being a vegan with me, you just tell me vegans are pussies. But then you try and blame food and your mom for being-\nCartman: It is the food, and it is my mom, Heidi! It is! I wanna be vegan with you! I need your help to show me how. Please, Heidi. I need you right now, more than ever. I wand to do this. Please!\nHeidi: You really mean it?\nCartman: Yes, Heidi! That's how much I love you! I'm vegan from now on.\nHeidi: All right, Eric. We'll see how this goes, okay? See you tomorrow.\nCartman: Okay. Okay, bye, honey. [hangs up]\nScene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at their usual table chatting, and Cartman looks pissed again.\nCartman: That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!\nJimmy: Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh Eric?\nCartman: She's not a girlfriend! She's a controlling, manipulative whore!\nKyle: That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!\nCartman: That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!\nHeidi: [approaching] Hey babe.\nCartman: Oh hey babe, what's going on?\nHeidi: What are you up to?\nCartman: [uninterested] Nothin', just tellin' the guys how awesome it is to be vegan.\nHeidi: [happy] That's great. You wanna come eat with me? I can explain what I packed.\nCartman: Yeah, sure. That sounds awesome. [he leaves with her]\nKyle: I don't get it. I just really don't get it. How is she still supporting him?!\nStan: She loves him, I guess.\nKyle: But he clearly sucks! She has to know he sucks. What the hell is going on?!\nButters: Well, it's not our problem.\nKyle: It is our problem. This is affecting us! Our whole school. There's got to be a reason she sticks by him.\nScene Description: After school. The bell rings and kids pour out of the building.\nKyle: [spots her and runs up] Oh Heidi? Heidi, you got a sec?\nHeidi: Oh. Hey Kyle.\nKyle: Hey. Uh, listen, uh... I-I know you and Cartman have an anniversary coming up and, I was just wondering, you know, um. How do you think he's doing? Aaas a boyfriend.\nHeidi: Well, whattaya mean?\nKyle: Well, you know, like, some of us are thinking that, uh, maybe he's not super-qualified to be with you?\nHeidi: Oh, God, not you too.\nKyle: Just, like, what are the things about Cartman that you find remotely redeeming?\nHeidi: Look, don't you think I get it enough from my girlfriends? \"He sucks, Heidi. What's wrong with you? Why can't you admit he's a loser? How could anyone ever go with him?\" I was just following my heart. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?\nKyle: You don't have to get defensive. I just-\nHeidi: [gets in his face] Who's being defensive?! He's great! We're doing great! I didn't make a bad decision! I don't need you to stand there and say \"I told you so!\" [turns around and walks off]\nKyle: I didn't say \"I... [she whips around again] told you-\"\nHeidi: [points at him] You know, you don't know what Eric's like when we're alone, okay? He's actually really good to me. [turns around and walks away]\nKyle: Wooow.\nScene Description: Heidi's house, day. Cartman is at the front door knocking insistently. Heidi walks to it and opens it.\nCartman: Heidi! [walks in with a bag of food] Oh my God, you're not gonna believe this.\nHeidi: What?\nCartman: You were so right [Heidi closes the door] when you said there were vegan options for everything. [puts the food on the table] Remember how you told me about Beyond Meat?\nHeidi: Yeah, the vegan meat that's made with all vegetables and plants.\nCartman: Well, I tried it and you were right. You can't even tell the difference between that and real meat.\nHeidi: Really? That's great, babe.\nCartman: So now I've been trying all kinds of vegan foods. You gotta try this. It's called Beyond KFC.\nHeidi: Oh wow.\nCartman: It's all plant based, soy protein, and just- y-you gotta taste it. Just try it.\nHeidi: [Heidi tries a breaded breast] It tasted just like KFC.\nCartman: I know, right?! Isn't that crazy?! [Cartman eats another breaded breast] Like, like seriously, how can you even tell that this was vegan? Try the, try the Beyond Mashed Potatoes and Gravy too. [hands her the mashed potatoes and gravy] They say you can even drink the Beyond Gravy by itself as like a protein boost. [eats some more of his breast while she eats the mashed potatoes and gravy] I don't know about you, but I could eat this every day.\nHeidi: Yeah, it's really good.\nCartman: [evilly narrowing his eyes to slits] Delicious.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings as students go to their lockers to switch out books. As Stan, Kenny, and Butters walk down the hallway. Kyle catches up to them. Token joins them as well.\nKyle: Guys, listen: I think I know why Heidi won't admit Cartman's a horrible boyfriend.\nStan: Dude, are you still on this?\nKyle: Yeah! It's important.\nButters: Maybe she's telling the truth, Kyle. Maybe Eric really does love and support her in ways that we don't see.\nCartman: [running up to them] You guys! You guys! Have you seen Heidi? [walks on past them]\nStan: No.\nCartman: Well uh, we've been trying some different foods lately and uh, [turns around] Heidi's put on some pounds, you guys.\nToken: Heidi's getting fat?\nCartman: Yeah, Token. Don't start rippin' on me for havin' a fat girlfriend, alright? Just try and be cool about it. [smiles]\nHeidi: [walks up behind him] Hey babe.\nCartman: Oh, hey hey hey, Heidi. What's goin' on? [a surprised look flashes on his face]\nHeidi: I-ah, I'm not feeling the best again. [Cartman smiles again] I might see if my mom can come pick me up.\nCartman: Pick you up? That could be tough. [a shot at the boys, who just look blankly at him and Heidi. Kyle, though, is not amused]\nHeidi: I, I know, but I just feel bloated. I think there might have been something bad in that Beyond Arby's.\nCartman: Yeah, well, cool, babe. Maybe you should uh, just waddle on down to the nurse's office. [the surprised look flashes on his face again, then disappears]\nHeidi: Can you come with?\nCartman: Oh sure. [they turn around and walk away, but Cartman looks over his shoulder and points at Heidi's bloated figure]\nKyle: We have to help that girl. Can't you see what's happening?\nStan: Kyle, it's none of our business.\nKyle: You're wrong. In a way... I think we're all going out with Cartman right now.\nScene Description: The Oval Office, day. The President is on the phone.\nGarrison: Uh huh. Yeah, I understand that, faggot. And you should understand how my balls are gonna taste when your country starts needing money. I don't give two shits about a treaty. You're a Polish midget. [A knock is heard at the doors] Come in. [three advisers come in - Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell - and Garrison gets back on the phone] Uh huh. Hang, uh hang on. I'm gonna call you back. Yeah, go fuck yourself, retard. [hangs up]\nMitch McConnell: Mr. President, we have a problem. People are pretty upset.\nGarrison: Hoh, don't tell me people are still made about that n*gger thing.\nMike Pence: It's pronounced Niger, Mr. President. And it's a country in Africa.\nGarrison: Oh, aren't we fancy. Okay, I don't want a bunch of [finger quotes] Nigers in Africa aiding terrorists.\nPaul Ryan: Mr. President, you need to be a little more careful. There's an investigation. A worker with ties to Russia was found raped and executed.\nGarrison: Raped and executed? Oh, you mean fucked to death? Oh yeah, that was me.\nMcConnell: Mr. President, people are starting to question your oath to the office.\nGarrison: My oath to the office was that I would fuck everyone to death, remember?\nMemberberries: Ooo, I 'member. Me too, I 'member. I 'member that.\nGarrison: [to the berries] You guys be quiet, [to his advisers] and you guys just get out there and put a positive spin on this whole thing.\nMcConnell: How are we supposed to put a positive spin on it?\nRyan: It's getting pretty hard to keep defending you. Maybe it's time we put our foot down.\nGarrison: Oooo. [whips out a remote control and presses a button on it, making the doors close and lock automatically. The advisers turn to see this] Hope you brought some condoms.\nScene Description: The school gym, day. Most of the girls are in vollyball practice, but six of them are in the bleachers. The side gym doors open and Kyle walks in. The girls stop practice only when he gets onto the court. He holds his hands up. The girls are not happy to see him.\nKyle: Hello. I know things have been difficult between us lately. I know you think all boys are sort of pigs, but just know that a lot of us boys think girls are amazing and smart and beautiful. [dead air] Not, not like hot-beautiful, I mean like inside-beautiful. I, I'm not saying you're hot. You're not, you're not hot. I'm not saying you're ugly. It doesn't matter- you're all hot on the inside. If we could all just see inside you, it would be hot. [realizes he's out on a limb] Oh, shit.\nWendy: What do you want, Kyle?\nKyle: It's Heidi Turner. You guys shouldn't criticize her so much for going with Cartman.\nAnnie: Why not? Eric Cartman's a horrible person.\nKyle: I know! I, I know that, okay? Trust me, I hate Cartman as much as any of you, but just, give her some space, you know? You can't keep on saying \"We told you so\", because if you make her feel dumb, she just doubles down and tries to prove herself that it wasn't dumb.\nNichole: Why do you care? Do you like Heidi?\nKyle: No!\nMolly: Oh my God, he so likes Heidi.\nLola: Obvi.\nKyle: No I don't! ... Do I?\nScene Description: The school hallway, day. Kyle is sitting on some steps surprised at his fondness for Heidi showingn through.\nButters: [walks up to him] Hey, Kyle. Hey, I was thinkin' about what you said. How we should all help Heidi break up with Eric? You're right, it's our moral obligation.\nKyle: Yeah, no, we're not getting involved with that.\nButters: Oh, we're not?\nKyle: [stands up]Yeah, no, yeah, I uh dya, I think we need to stay out of it. [walks away]\nButters:\tOh. Okay then.: Dialog\nScene Description: Cartman's locker, moments later. Cartman is switching out books when Kyle walks up to him.\nKyle: Cartman, can we talk?\nCartman: Sure, Kyle. What's up? [brings out a harness and puts it on]\nKyle: I just, I hope that maybe you can realize what you have with Heidi and, and just try to be good to her, okay?\nCartman: Kyle, let me tell you something about relationships. There's always two sides, okay? You compromise, she compromises. Sometimes you criticize each other, but it's all part of trying to make each other better. [picks up a big bass drum and straps it onto the harness, then picks up some drumsticks] Someday, maybe you'll have a girlfriend and you'll understand. Oh, here she comes. [at the far end of the hallway, Heidi rounds the corner and walks towards them, and Cartman starts beating the drum] BOOM baba BOOM baba. Clear the hallway everyone, Heidi's comin' through.\nHeidi: [walks up to Cartman] Wha, what are you doing, Eric?\nCartman: I was just practicing marching bass drum for my buddy Kyle. It's his favorite.\nHeidi: Oh, okay. Um, are we still on for lunch?\nCartman: You betcha, can't wait.\nHeidi: Okay, see ya. [walks away, vaguely upset]\nCartman: [resumes the drum beat] BOOM baba BOOM baba BOOM!\nScene Description: Breaking news.\nAnchor Bill Keegan: Some concern over the President's competency again today. It was during a Middle East peace conference when the President referred to the people of Saudi Arabia as a bunch of \"dirty sand Nigers\". Though the comments seem divisive, Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, says he's sticking by his President 100%. [next shot is of Paul Ryan with a black eye stained with semen]\nReporter: Speaker Ryan, it's the anniversary of the President being elected. How do you think he's doing?\nRyan: Well whattaya mean? He's great. We're doing great. A lot of people judge him and just see the negative. People don't know how great the President can be behind closed doors. They don't get to see all his good qualities.\nReporter: Uh huh. And is that semen on your black eye?\nRyan: Oh. No, I-uh I tripped on a doorknob and uh that's just, that's doorknob cum.\nScene Description: The school gym, day. Heidi is all alone there, sitting on the bottom bleacher lost in thought. Kyle sees her from one end of the court. He sighs quietly and walks up to her.\nKyle: You doin' okay, Heidi?\nHeidi: I keep thinking Eric's going to change.\nKyle: [sits down next to her and sighs] Heidi, people like Cartman, they always make things someone else's fault. We all wrongly see ourselves as the victims sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time. He'll always find someone to blame for his shortcomings, and because of that, he's never gonna change.\nHeidi: Before we started going out I was in a really bad place. I felt... pushed away by society. Then this guy came along who told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I just went with it. Does that make me a bad person? [Rihanna's \"Unfaithful\" begins to play]\nKyle: No, Heidi. Good people make bad decisions every day.\nHeidi: I've been defending him for so long. I don't know how I'm gonna face people if I finally give up. [next scene is Heidi looking through her scrapbook at the memories she and Cartman created together. His discomfort begins to show in the fourth picture. She closes the book, and her location is shown - she's in bed. Next scene shows her at her locker putting books away when she notices someone looking at her. It's Kyle, looking at her from his locker. He then puts his books into his locker. Next scene shows Heidi and Cartman at the park bench, where she leaves him and he grabs onto her leg to delay her departure. Next scene has Kyle receiving a letter from Heidi. He reads it and smiles. Next scene has Garrison and Xi Jinping holding a news conference, and three bar patrons back at home turning away and crying. Next scene shows the Turners having dinner at a restaurant, in a booth by the window]\nCartman: [sobbing outside the window] Please Heidi! [he pounds on the window a few times before finally sliding down to the ground] Please! [her parents are stunned. Next scene shows Kyle and Heidi on the school swings, chatting away]\nScene Description: Token's house, night. A light snow is falling when Cartman knocks on Token's door. Token answers and Cartman breaks out in tears.\nCartman: Hei-... Hei- Hei- Hei-, Hei- ... Hei- [Token slams the door on him. Seconds later the doorbell rings. Token goes back to answer it] Hei-, Hei-, Hei-\nToken: [not happy] What do you want?\nCartman: Hei, Hei, Heidi broke up with me, Token.\nToken: So?\nCartman: I have nothing now, Token. She was my whole world. Can, can I just stay here with you, please?\nToken: What?! Why?! You still have a house!\nCartman: I know how you feel now, Token. To be pissed off at the world. To feel completely screwed over by society. I totally get it now. I wanna do what you guys do and go disrespect the flag and flip over cars and stuff. [Again, Token slams the door on him. Again the doorbell rings, and again Token goes to answer it] Token, pleeease! I'm sorry for everything! I really understand now how you guys feel! Please, what time is your family gonna go disrespect the flag and stuff? I wanna go with!\nToken: Get outta here!\nLinda: [appears behind Token] What's going on?\nToken: [upset with Cartman] Nothing, Mom.\nCartman: Heidi broke up with meeeeee.\nLinda: Token, he's freezing. [to Cartman] Come on in out of the snow.\nCartman: [entering] Thank youuuu.\nToken: ...NO!!\nScene Description: The White house. Paul Ryan opens a door and looks both ways down the hallway and closes the door. He's got a folder with him as he joins two other men in the dark.\nRyan: Okay, we're safe to talk.\nPence: It's not safe! Nowhere is safe, don't you understand?! We're all about to get killed!\nRyan: Sshh, keep your voices down! Look at this!\nPence: What are all these numbers?\nRyan: The latest approval ratings. I've been researching our own independent poll. The President is tanking. These numbers are so low that we just might have an out. Well, don't you guys see what this means?\nMcConnell: I don't know anything, I'm just a turtle.\nRyan: It means that the swing voters are turning against him. It's those people that matter. Those are the ones who can finally turn this thing around!\nMcConnell: And then we don't have to get killed! We can't let the President know about this. just let him- [the door opens]\nGarrison: [walks in] What are you guys talkin' about?\nPence: No, nothing, Mr. President.\nRyan: Nothing!\nMcConnell: No, nope!\nGarrison: Just having' a little chat or somethin'?\nPence: [looks at the folder Pence is holding, takes it, and walks over to the President] It's an opinion poll, Mr. President. Your numbers are down and I wanted to show you so you could do something.\nRyan: Oh, you bitch! [to the President] I was the one who researched the poll, Mr. President!\nGarrison: Let me see that. [takes the folder and leafs through it] Huh. Isn't that interesting? But it's not a problem. See, I know something about societal psychology that you three turd balls don't. Everything's gonna be fine.\nScene Description: Token's house, night. Cartman is eating dinner with them, still sniffling.\nCartman: So... You guys about done with the soup?\nLinda: Don't you like it, Eric?\nCartman: Well yeah, no, it's great. It's just- well, what time do you guys usually go out and disrespect the flag and stuff?\nSteve: What?\nCartman: Oh no... Don't tell me you guys already disrespected the flag and flipped over cars today. Did I miss it?\nSteve: What the hell are you talking about?!\nToken: I told you not to let him in.\nCartman: Please, I don't know what to do with all this anger and hurt!\nLinda: I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, Eric, but... maybe you'll get back together.\nCartman: No, no, we've broken up before, but this time it's different. I can tell. Something's changed with her. Heidi won't even answer my phone calls.\nSteve: Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter?\nCartman: Yeah...\nSteve: I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.\nCartman: [sadness switches to anger in a flash] What?\nSteve: I saw them at the park today holding hands.\nCartman: [dramatic music begins] Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance performed by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scene shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Token's mansion] Kyle...\nSteve: Yeah, Kyle.\nScene Description: South Park Elelentary, day. The school day begins as the last students walk in. Kyle walks down the hallway minding his own business when a scream makes him apprehensive.\nCartman: KYLE! [the other kids in the hallway clear the way as Cartman appears at the end of the hallway behind Kyle. Dramatic Western showdown music plays] I should have known. You lying snake!\nKyle: [turns around] Cartman, I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did.\nCartman: Did it bother you that I was happy?! Is that why you took her from me, Kyle?!\nKyle: Cartman, you weren't happy.\nCartman: Shut up, Kyle!\nKyle: All you did was bitch about her all the time.\nCartman: You're not gonna talk your way out of this one! This is the end, Kyle! It's you and me!\nKyle: Come on, Cartman. I-\nCartman: [slams Kyle into the lockers] You took everything from me!\nKyle: Stop it!\nCartman: All you've ever done is work to ruin my life! Well now I'm finally gonna fight back!\nButters: Fuck him up, Eric!\nCartman: [goes in for the attack] Aaah! [Kyle delivers a punch] Ugh! [Cartman goes down straight away] Fuck you, Kyle!\nKyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. You just have to accept that Heidi's moved on.\nScene Description: Buca De Faggoncini, night. The girls have taken Heidi out for dinner.\nMolly: Guys, I just wanna say, here's to Heidi. Welcome back to the land of the living.\nThe other girls: Yay Heidi!\nHeidi: [giggles] Thanks, guys. Thanks for taking me out. This is really fun.\nRed: No worries. We're just glad you finally came to your senses.\nAnnie: Yeah, no kidding. We seriously thought you might marry that piece of shit! [the girls laugh]\nHeidi: [a bit sheepish] Well, you know, he- he actually had some good qualities too.\nRed: Uhh, yeah, like what? Racism?\nBebe: Or the sociopath part?\nCourtney: Yeah. I mean, no offense, Heidi, but what the fuck were you thinking?\nLola: Guys, she admitted she made a mistake.\nMolly: You make a mistake on your homework. What Heidi did was more like a momentary loss of all sanity. [the girls laugh]\nHeidi: [feeling pushed away again] It was just what I believed in.\nBebe: Don't worry, Heidi. We're not gonna keep telling you we told you so.\nLola: But we told you so. [the girls laugh]\nBebe: The only thing I wanna know is... how did you bring yourself to actually KISS him?\nThe girls: Eewwww!\nRed: Can you imagine? Eric Cartman's breath on your mouth?\nThe girls: Ew, ugh! [this is depressing Heidi as sad music begins to play]\nCourtney: [imitating Cartman] Heidi, come here. I want to kiss you with my tongue!\nThe girls: Ew, ugh! [they laugh as Heidi wilts]\nScene Description: The park, day. Cartman sits at the park bench alone. Heidi walks up to him.\nHeidi: Hi Eric.\nCartman: What are you doing here?\nHeidi: I don't know. I think I- I just wanna make sure... you're doing okay. I want you to know I'll always care about you.\nCartman: [sniffles] That's good to know, 'cause like, nothing helps more when you're down than knowing that your girlfriend who broke up with you might care.\nHeidi: [sits next to him] I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I think maybe I am just stupid and I don't know what I want and it ends up hurting people.\nCartman: No... You need to know something, Heidi. None of this is your fault.\nHeidi: But I'm the one who-\nCartman: No. Heidi, none of this is your fault. There's stuff I never told you. It's time... It's time I did.\nScene Description: Kyle's house, night. He's in the bathroom getting ready for a date with Heidi. He styles his hair and puts hair gel on it. The doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it, putting on his hat on his way there. He opens his door and finds Heidi facing away from him.\nHeidi: Hey.\nKyle: Hey! You all set to go?\nHeidi: [walks in] I wanted to talk to you first.\nKyle: Okay, sure.\nHeidi: Kyle, I've been under a lot of stress lately, and it was all making me really confused.\nKyle: Yeah, that's understandable.\nHeidi: [turns and holds his hands] I was being manipulated, and I didn't even see it. I never do. And, I don't think you saw it either, Kyle.\nKyle: What do you mean?\nHeidi: I've come to realize that it's not my fault. It's your fault, Kyle. You made all this happen. Made me question who I was.\nKyle: But Heidi, I thought-\nHeidi: [puts her index finger on his lips] Shh. [walks away] But it's okay. You can't help it. It's how you were raised, what you were taught. My heritage is Irish, so I'm prone to being moody. And your heritage... well, you know... you can be a little sneaky sometimes and not even realize it. [turns left to walk out the door] I'm sorry, Kyle, but everybody's trying to live life the best they can. It's hard enough without your people always trying to get ahead. [walks out and closes the door]\nKyle: Dude... did she just call me a dirty Jew? [he walks to the window to see her walk away, and sees Cartman waiting for her. Cartman sees him at the window. Heidi meets Cartman and they walk away together, with Cartman looking over his shoulder at Kyle with a smug look on his face]\nScene Description: The Oval Office, evening. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell carry an anniversary cake over to the President. They're still wearing blankets, which could mean the White House isn't wasting money on heating.\nPence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary to you.\nMcConnell: Cha cha cha.\nPence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary to you.\nMcConnell: Cha cha cha.\nPence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary, Mr. President. Happy anniversary to you. [they put the cake on the desk, and the President blows out the candles]\nRyan: Congratulations, Mr. President.\nMcConnell: Looks like many more years of the same are to come.\nGarrison: Oh, I don't think so. [walks out from behind the desk with a giant dildo strapped to his genitals.] I think the next three years are gonna be even better. [begins to laugh. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell laugh in response, but soon begin to cry, as they know what that dildo means]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the Special Education Bungalow A-5. Class is in session, with Counselor Steve teaching.\nSteve: Okay guys, it's November and who can tell me what that means? [points] Yes, Francis?\nFrancis: It's time for the Special Ed Science Fair. [the other kids cheer]\nSteve: That's right, the Science Fair is this weekend, and I know you're all very excited to show the projects you've been working on. [more cheers] This week we'll be hearing all about your projects and first up we have Nathan and Mimallah. [amid some applause and chatter, Nathan and Mimsy walk in with their project, a volcano]\nNathan: For our science fait project, we will be showing the destructive force of nature by simulating a volcano!\nThe kids: Ooooooh.\nNathan: With vinegar and baking soda, we will make this paper-mâché volcano EXPLODE.\nThe kids: Aaaaaaa.\nNathan: With the power and fury of Mount Kilauea. Our science fair project is sure to be... a blast. Get it? A. Blast.\nSteve: All right, what do you guys think of Nathan and Mimallah's project idea? [the kids clap and cheer]\nNathan: We've done it, Mimsy. We're gonna win the science fair for sure. And then, every chick in this school is gonna wanna have sex with us.\nMimsy: Uh, gee boss, I don't know about sex with no chicken.\nNathan: [smack] Not those chicks, numbskull. I'm talkin' 'bout bitches. You know what girls like? They like winners. And when we win the science fair, we're gonna be up to our ears in pussy.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. There are seven girls at a table with room for an eighth. The seven are Wendy, Nichole, Red, Theresa, Isla, Bebe, and Millie.\nWendy: Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse?\nMillie: It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman.\nTheresa: What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird.\nIsla: She's so... mean and angry these days.\nWendy: People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with and, I guess it's true with Heidi.\nHeidi: [joins the girls at the table] Hey guys. What's up?\nIsla: Hey, Heidi.\nHeidi: What are you guys talkin' about?\nNichole: Nothing.\nHeidi: Bullcrap, you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [burps] Ehhh.\nWendy: Heidi, are you okay? It's just... you look...\nHeidi: I look what?\nWendy: Ngh, you know, y-you just look-\nHeidi: What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch!\nTheresa: She's just concerned, Heidi.\nHeidi: [mimicking] \"Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi\". I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?!\nScene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, day. Jimmy and Timmy are hard at work.]\nJimmy: All right, good, Timmy. Test 42a is successful. Let's move on to the next phase. [Nathan and Mimsy walk in]\nNathan: Well hello, gentlemen.\nJimmy: Oh hey fellas, we're doing great.\nTimmy: Timmih!\nNathan: Thought we'd stop by to see how your- science fair project is going.\nMimsy: Dah I thought we was comin' to rub their faces in how good our science fair project was, boss.\nNathan: [gets mad, then smacks Mimsy] Shut up, Mimsyyy! [to Jimmy and Timmy] So what are you guys workin' on?\nJimmy: Oh, it's fantastic. This year, Tim-Tim and I are doin' our project on [looks into the microscope] water bears.\nNathan: Oh. Water bears. [backs up to Mimsy] You hear that, Mimsy? Like there's any such things as water bears. That blue science fair ribbon is as good as ours. [to Jimmy and Timmy] Well, we've gotta get back to our lava volcano. Good luck finding your, pft, water bears. [he and Mimsy turn around to walk out]\nJimmy: Oh, would you like to see them?\nNathan: [he and Mimsy stop and turn] What? Uh what are you talking about?\nJimmy: Timmy and I have gathered thousands of water bears. Take a look in the microscope. [Nathan steps forward to look into the microscope. He sees some water bears swimming around on the specimen slide. Jimmy continues] Water bears are water-dwelling, eight-legged micro-animals.\nTimmy: Timmah.\nJimmy: They're one of nature's most resilient animals. [next slide] Studies have shown they can survive lava, and even the vacuum of space.\nNathan: What-? How-? [looks up] Where the fuck did you learn about these things?\nJimmy: Where all good scientists learn from. Octonauts.\nTimmy: Octonauts!\nJimmy: Some scientists believe the study of water bears is key to human survival.\nMimsy: Aw jeez, that sounds a lot better than a lava volcano, huh boss?\nNathan: Well, not really, because the science fair is supposed to be an experiment. I fail to see what the experiment is here.\nJimmy: Oh, that's easy. You see, for the past several weeks, Tim-Tim and me have been training the water bears to respond to different sound waves. We found that they respond best to Taylor Swift. Hit it, Timmy. [Timmy presses a button offscreen, and Taylor Swift's \"Look What You Made Me Do\" begins to play] Take a look. [the Water Bears soon form a circle of eight of them on the specimen slide. Timmy turns off the player] We still have some training to do, but we're excited about the results. I have to admit, your lava volcano is pretty great too. Maybe we could tie for first place. [Nathan looks at Jimmy, then at Timmy, in shock]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. Someone knocks at his door]\nMackey: Come in.\nHeidi: [enters the office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey?\nMackey: Oh yes, Heidi, uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set somethin' up for you.\nHeidi: What?\nMackey: ...Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition?\nHeidi: Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks.\nMackey: Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you bein' the judge this weekend?\nHeidi: Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at skewl?\nMackey: But you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.\nHeidi: So now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?!\nMackey: But... Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay?\nHeidi: Well how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! [puts away a stray lock of hair under her cap] I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight.\nMackey: Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.\nHeidi: You're gonna force me to come to skewl on a Saturday?!\nMackey: Heidi, eh... is everything all right?\nHeidi: Oh what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!!\nMackey: Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.\nHeidi: Oh, Goddammit!\nScene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, night. Nathan goes up the wheelchair ramp to the room door.\nNathan: [looks around] Mimsy! Come on! [reaches the door]\nMimsy: Okay Nathan. [joins him]\nNathan: Shhh, shut the fuck up! [picks the lock and opens the door. They go in, look around, then go to Jimmy and Timmy's project]\nMimsy: Gee, we could get in a lot of trouble. Ya, you sure we should mess with Jimmy and Timmy's science fair project?\nNathan: Mimsy, do you know what Jimmy is? He's a cock blocker.\nMimsy: Eh what's a cock blocker?\nNathan: Every time I come up with a way to score with the ladies, there's Jimmy tryin' to one-up me. This science fair is supposed to finally make us successful enough to get chicks.\nMimsy: D'aw, gee, I don't know if we should use our position of power to exploit women.\nNathan: ... [smacks Mimsy] I'm not letting those assholes win the science fair! [opens a medical bag] That's why I say, the only good water bears are dead water bears. [pulls out a bottle of lighter fluid and pours it into the tardigrade tank, then follows that up with a bottle of lye. He then gets a curling iron, plugs it in and turns it on, and sticks it into the tank, where it sparks and causes a chemical reaction] Let's go! [they run out of the bungalow as the reaction continues inside]\nScene Description: The bus stop, day. Instead of the usual four boys standing there, it's four girls - Wendy, Isla, Theresa, and an angry Heidi.\nHeidi: This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the science fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave!\nWendy: It's... not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.\nHeidi: Yes it is! Am I being paid to judge the science fair? No. Do I have a choice? No. \"Ohhh, yes masah. Lemme judge that science fair for ya, suh!\"\nTheresa: God, will you stop?!\nHeidi: Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer.\nTheresa: My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.\nHeidi: That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer.\nTheresa: There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block.\nHeidi: Right. That's called a \"trailer park.\"\nTheresa: A-hi don't live in a trailer park!\nWendy: [to Theresa, about Heidi] Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her.\nHeidi: I'll try, but she's such a bitch.\nIsla: She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.\nHeidi: Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys.\nCartman: [walks up to Heidi] Hey Heidi, what's up?\nHeidi: [uninterested] Oh hey babe, what's going on?\nCartman: What are you up to?\nHeidi: [her voice trails off] Nothiiing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school day has started and the last few students are going in. Nathan and Mimsy walk up to Nichole, Bebe, and Nelly.\nNathan: Well hello there, ladies.\nNelly: Oh, hi Nathan.\nNathan: We just wanted to remind you [hand Nichole a flyer] that this weekend is the Special Ed Science Fair.\nNichole: Oh, cool.\nNathan: Yeah, that's right. Pretty soon you'll all be impressed with what you see. Hope you can make it. [walks off with Mimsy. Moments later...] Did you see that, Mimsy? The way those girls bit their bottom lips when I said \"science fair\"? We're about to be drowning in muff.\nFrancis: Nathan! Mimallah! Yuh, you've gotta get to Special Ed!\nNathan: Special Ed class isn't for another two hours.\nFrancis: Nono, you've gotta see this! Jimmy and Timmy's water bears! They've changed!\nNathan: What?\nScene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, moments later. Counselor Steve is checking out the specimen slide through the microscope as the class gathers around and chatters.\nSteve: Jimmy and Timmy, this is incredible! You've somehow made them even smarter. [Francis, Nathan and Mimsy enter]\nNathan: What's goin' on?\nJimmy: Nathan, it's amazing. The water bears we've trained are starting to display social advancements.\nMimsy: But they're supposed to be dead. [Nathan smacks him]\nNathan: [walks up to Jimmy and Timmy's table] What social advancement?\nJimmy: They've actually evolved to the point of doing the hokey pokey.\nNathan: The hokey pokey? [looks down into the microscope and sees the tardigrades. \"The Hokey Pokey\" plays as the water bears begin synchronized dancing] You've gotta be fucking kidding me.\nSteve: Boys, this might be the single greatest Special Ed Science Fair project I've ever seen!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Cartman and Heidi walk down the hallway holding hands looking angry.\nHeidi: Butters.\nButters: Whoa. [turns around] Uh hey.\nHeidi: How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?\nButters: Uhh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.\nCartman: Butters, don't be a dick!\nHeidi: Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible!\nCartman: Yeah, Butters! God! [rolls his eyes]\nClyde: [walks up to Heidi and Cartman] He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.\nCartman: Well then, could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the Special Needs Science Fair.\nStan: [walks into view with Kyle] What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.\nHeidi: Because nobody wants to be trapped, in a gym, with Special Ed Science.\nKyle: Actually, some of their projects are pretty cool.\nCartman, and Heidi: Shut up, Kyle! [to each other] Samesies! [they kiss each other on the lips]\nHeidi: Look, it's all just a complete waste of time! It's not like the Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society. [a helicopter is heard over the school. In front of the school, the helicopter lands on the lawn as several black cars and vans roll up to the school. A bunch of men in black suits get out of the vehicles and walk into school]\nJerry Jones: [leading the men] Move. Move aside, kids. Official business!\nAn NFL owner: Move it, children. [the kids make way for the NFL owners]\nPC Principal: Excuse me, can I help you?\nJerry Jones: We understand that you're about to have a science fair with some very interesting experiments.\nPC Principal: That's right, the science fair is this Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm.\nJerry Jones: We're here to help however we can. Your special ed department has all our resources and all our support. This science fair... just might be what saves us all.\nScene Description: The school playground, day. As the other kids play, an upset Heidi walks around Cartman.\nHeidi: What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit!\nCartman: Yeah... uh... Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun?\nHeidi: [stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department!\nScene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, day. It's been considerably beefed up, with two tents, one on either side, connected to it, and an even bigger tent behind it. A tower with two satellite dishes and two poles with lights on them standing behind the smaller tents. Two workers haul some equipment up the ramp and into the classroom.\nJerry Jones: Good. Bring it on in. These kids need to have access to everything they need.\nJimmy: Wow, look at this, Tim-Tim. They've all been researching water bears too.\nJerry Jones: That's correct. [two workers roll up a whiteboard with a diagram of a tardigrade on it, with parts of the body clearly labeled] Like you, we've come to realize that water bears are the key to our future. [walks up to the project right after Jimmy and Timmy do] Are these the special water bears that we read about on your school message board?\nJimmy: That's right. The water bears we've been working with appear to be evolving somehow.\nJerry Jones: Then they are the key to our survival, boys.\nNathan: Gentlemen, perhaps I can interest you in a lava volcano. You won't believe your eyes when I add some simple baking soda.\nJerry Jones: [turns to face him] There's no time for that! We need everyone working on Jimmy and Timmy's project. I'm gonna let you kids all in on a little secret. We don't wanna create a panic, but... the End is very near. And we have very little time.\nScene Description: The school gym, day. An assembly has been called and all the classes are there. Heid is at the podium while Cartman stands next to her.\nHeidi: Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so called... skewl. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor denand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park like Theresa.\nTheresa: It's not a trailer!\nHeidi: Theresa, [that lock of hair comes down again] get over it, you live in a trailer park, it's not a big deal. [she puts the lock back in place]\nCartman: Uh, o-okay honey, you're kind of getting off-topic, sweetie.\nHeidi: What did you say?!\nCartman: Uh just, uh-uhm, I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.\nHeidi: GET THIS OVER WITH?! You're supposed to be supporting me!\nCartman: I am supporting you, sweetheart!\nHeidi: Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!\nMackey: [standing by the gym doors, to PC Principal] She's... kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.\nPC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro.\nScene Description: The Special Ed Bungalow, later. Jerry Jones and a few other owners stand behind Jimmy and some other students as Jimmy looks into the microscope.\nJimmy: Francis, can you hand me the sound wave generator? [Francis hands it to him]\nNathan: This is bullshit! The Special Ed Science Fair is turning into a lovefest for Jimmy and Timmy's project! They're gonna get all the fame and glory!\nMimsy: D'aw, I guess we kind of shot ourselves in the foot, huh boss? If it weren't for us, those water bears wouldn't have even gotten smarter in the first place.\nNathan: [stops and thinks] Hey, Mimsy, that's right. They don't deserve the credit, we do. [speaks up] Uh, excuse me. If you're all trying to figure out why these water bears are different, you're talking to the wrong guys. [Everyone turns to face him]\nJimmy: Wha-what do you mean, Nathan?\nNathan: Mimsy and I did some experimenting with the water bears on our own.\nMimsy: We was tryin' to kill 'em. [smack]\nNathan: It was us who made them evolve, so we should be the ones working for the government.\nJerry Jones: The government? Wuh we aren't the government.\nJimmy: Yuh you're not the government? But you said you were here to help stop us from becoming extinct.\nJerry Jones: Not you, us. We're with... the NFL. Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate. We've been hit with anthem protests, protests of those protests, and worst of all, concussions. The more reports that come out, the more people are getting turned off by football. We've been experimenting with water bears because... we believe they are our last hope.\nJimmy: Oh, I get it. You've been experimenting with water bears to see how to make humans more impervious to concussions.\nJerry Jones: No. We've been experimenting with water bears to try and make them... FANS.\nScene Description: NFL Sunday Night Football on NBC.\nSportscaster 1: A beautiful night for football here in Los Angeles as the Chargers take on the Buffalo Bills.\nSportscaster 2: And a record sellout crowd here at the stadium. Football clearly more popular than over with a whopping 17 million in attendance. [shown are a smattering of fans, with the rest of the seats being occupied by small tanks of tardigrades]\nSportscaster 1: The NFL, of course, working really hard to reach new viewers, and it looks like they found their answer in tardigrades.\nSportscaster 2: [a camera crew focuses on one tank] The water bears are thrilled to be here and of course, love seeing themselves on the Jumbotron. [which shows that tank's sea bears onscreen] They're all ready for some football and enjoying the fan favorite Kiss Cam. [two tardigrades are shown kissing]\nSportscaster 1: And we're ready for kickoff as the cheers of 17 million fans rock the stadium! [the Chargers kick off and the Bills catch the football and begin their charge. Nothing but crickets are heard as a Bills player is taken down]\nScene Description: The Special Ed Bungalow, later. The NFL owners now look over Nathan's shoulders as he looks into the microscope. The other students are at their own tables.\nJerry Jones: We're running out of time. We have to see if these water bears truly are different. Insert the box. [a fellow owner grabs a microscopic box with tweezers and carries it over to the table. He puts it into the specimen slide] Gently. What do you see now? [the tweezers are removed]\nNathan: Ahhh, Iii see the box. [a microscopic FedEx box] What, what's in the box?\nJerry Jones: What are the water bears doing?\nNathan: Uhhh, they're just walkin' around and ubb, oh wait! They appear to be interested in the box.\nJerry Jones: These water bears are different. [the classroom door opens and in walk Heidi, Cartman, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal]\nPC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. Give me your attention please. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are cancelling the Special Ed Science Fair. [the students begin to talk amongst themselves]\nOwners: What? Cancelling?\nJerry Jones: You can't cancel the science fair. We're on the verge of a breakthrough here.\nHeidi: It's cancelled. You guys can get all this shit out of here and leave. Thank you!\nJerry Jones: You don't understand! The Special Ed Science Fair is our only hope!\nMr. Mackey: Oh I'm sorry, but um, our hands are tied... by Heidi. [Jones and the other owners whip out their guns]\nJerry Jones: I think you all fail to see the seriousness of our situation! Football is dying!\nMr. Mackey: [he and PC Principal put their hands up] Whoa, whoa whoa, okay.\nJerry Jones: [to another owner] Close the door! [the owner closes the door] Everyone back to work! Nobody... [two special ed kids and Cartman slip out of view] will stop this Special Ed Science Fair!\nAnother owner: [with his gun aimed at Nathan] Do what he says!\nNathan: Oh! Uh okay, Jesus Christ!\nHeidi: [finds Cartman] Are you just gonna stand there?! Do something!\nCartman: What the hell do you want me to do?!\nHeidi: I want you to have some BALLS and act like you care about me!\nCartman: Heidi, you need to stop being such a bitch!\nHeidi: [gets closer to him] Call me a bitch again! Do it! [gets in his face] Call me a bitch again!\nCartman: You are... acting... like a... bad girlfriend.\nHeidi: That's what I thought!\nNathan: Hey, uh wait a minute! The water bears have changed again. I think it's working.\nJerry Jones: Let me see that! [looks through the microscope] Yes. Yes, they're starting to adapt. [the water bears now sport jerseys from various teams. He increases the magnification] Sonofabitch, we just might have ourselves some fans! [stands up] Now quickly, children! We must replicate these water bears to create more! [Nathan gets back on the microscope]\nHeidi: If nobody else is going to do anything, I will! [runs up to the microscope, yanks the fish bowl from it, and runs to the door]\nNathan: Wha-ah?\nAn owner: The water bears!\nScene Description: The playground, moments later. Heidi runs across it, followed by the NFL owners, followed by the special ed kids, followed by Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...followed by Cartman.\nCartman: Heidi! Heidi, will you please listen to me?!\nScene Description: The school hallway, moments later. Heidi runs down it, pushing other kids out of the way.\nHeidi: Move it! Get the fuck out of the way! I said get out of the way, you assholes! [followiong are the NFL owners, the special ed kids, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...and Cartman]\nScene Description: The school entrance, moments later. Heidi goes out the front doors, but sees more NFL owners in front of her and she panics.\nAnother owner: We got the fat girl, front of the school.\nHeidi: Shit! [turns around and goes back inside, only to see all the people chasing her down]\nJerry Jones: Little girl, stop! [Heidi begins to pant] It doesn't have to end this way.\nCartman: [makes his way to the front of the group] Move aside! Move aside! [finally sees Heidi] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me!\nHeidi: I don't... have to listen... to anybody!\nCartman: Yes, yes you do! You need to listen!\nHeidi: Fuck you!\nCartman: No, fuck you!\nJerry Jones: Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special.\nHeidi: Well I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit!\nJerry Jones: Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone!\nNathan: Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches.\nCartman: Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry.\nJerry Jones: Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better.\nCartman: Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back. [Heidi looks up at the balcony and notices Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her]\nHeidi: [looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys!\nNFL Owners, Special Ed kids: NOOOO! [Heidi chugs the fish bowl down like a college student, wipes her lips, then burps]\nCartman: Dude, wwow.\nScene Description: Cartman's house, later. He and Heidi sit on the sofa, with Heidi doing all the eating and channel-switching while covered by a purple blanket.\nHeidi: [angrily] Is there something you wanna talk about?\nCartman: No. I was just... trying to... figure out why you decided to drink 20,000 microanimals that were showing signs of intelligence.\nHeidi: Whatever. It's Saturday, and I'm not in skewl.\nCartman: Yeah, you're, you're not in skewl.\nHeidi: [goes back to eating chips] How come we never snuggle anymore?!\nCartman: [alarmed] Wha, what?\nHeidi: We used to snuggle all the time and it's totally gone away! What happened?!\nCartman: Well, but honey, we still-\nHeidi: SNUGGLE!\nCartman: [gets closer to her] Yes yes, let's, let's snuggle, yes. [she shares her blanket and snuggles]\nHeidi: Goddammit, how come there's nothin' to watch on Saturday but kids cartoons?!\nBlue Horse on TV: Hohall right, kids. Now let's do the hokey pokey. [begins to sing the song]\nHeidi: Oooo. [her belly begins to move to the music] What's goin' on in here?\nCartman: Oh, what is goin' on in here?\nHeidi: I feel somethin' moving around. I-it- [farts]\nCartman: Yeesh. [backs away]\nHeidi: [farts again] SNUGGLE!\nCartman: Okay, okay, honey. [gets close to her again, but she farts again] Eughah, ah.\nScene Description: NFL Headquarters, New York City, day. Roger Goodell sits in his office flanked by two other officials.\nRoger Goodell: Well, did you have any luck, Mr. Jones?\nJerry Jones: I'm afraid, Commissioner, that the Special Ed Science Fair failed to produce more viable water bears.\nOfficlal 1: Then the NFL truly has no hope.\nOfficlal 2: We're done for.\nJerry Jones: Not quite. [a lab worker wheels something in and leaves] We were able to obtain somethin' else [picks up a beaker] that just might be our future. [pours the beaker into the volcano Nathan offered to him earlier]\nGoodell and the officials: Ooohhhh!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Netflix headquarters, day. The President of Netflix is talking to some prospects.\nNetflix President: Welcome to Netflix. [smiles] Last year we approved 16 original shows and movies; and this year, it is our goal to make that number 1,087. That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance & Phillip. [Terrance & Phillip are shown, now as elderly gentlemen. Terrance raises his left leg slowly and lets out a wet fart. The president laughs and claps] Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Classic stuff. Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series.\nTerrance: Well, we were thinkin' that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm... with a cow.\nPresident: [still enthused] Okay, I love it so far.\nTerrance: [slowly] The sun is just starting to come up and then... I fart on Phillip.\nPhillip: [slowly] And I say, \"Terrance, you farted,\" and I fart on Terrance.\nPresident: And it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a-?\nPhillip: [slowly] It's like a back and forth kind of thing. I fart on him, he farts on...\nPresident: On you. Got it!\nPhillip: No! On the cow. [they both laugh]\nPresident: Welcome to Netflix, you sons of bitches. YEAH!\nTerrance & Phillip: Hooray!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are at their lockers switching out books. Other kids run by, causing a commotion. Craig and Tweek run by Stan holding hands.\nCraig: Come on, Tweek. Hurry!\nStan: What's going on?\nTweek: [running by] Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again. [Stan closes his locker door and joins the others. They get to the actual fight, where Heidi throws punches at Cartman]\nCartman: Oh. Uh. Oh. Ugh! Goddamn! [he punches her once] Oh. Sweetheart!\nHeidi: Piece of shit! [punches him four times, he grunts as he gets hit]\nCartman: Honey, I wanna watch Terrance & Phillip with my friends!\nHeidi: You promised we'd have a date night! [punches him twice]\nCartman: It's just one night, babe. Stan is having a viewing party, honey. [punches her once]\nHeidi: So then why can't I come?\nCartman: Terrance & Phillip is a guys' night thing, baby.\nKyle: [arrives to separate them] Uh, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing?\nWendy: Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked!\nHeidi: Fuck you, Wendy!\nCraig: Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it!\nKyle: Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long. Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? [a moment of reflection around the crowd]\nHeidi: Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom. [everyone laughs]\nCartman: Th- that was awesome, baby. I love you. [reaches out and takes her hand]\nHeidi: I love you too, babe.\nKids: Awww. [disappointed, everyone disperses]\nCraig: Dammit.\nButters: Fight's over. Kyle ruined it. [Kyle is left all alone in the hallway]\nScene Description: The school gym, assembly. PC Principal addresses the kids.\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. As you know, there's been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school. To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of s a strong woman. So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all. And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [claps, then hands the mic to her as she walks up]\nStrong Woman: Thank you, PC Principal. Alright everyone, listen up. I'm the new vice principal of this school. My name is Strong Woman. I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing and we definitely have things we can all be working on. [at this point, Butters is whispering something in Clyde's ear]\nPC Principal: [snatches the mic from Strong Woman's hand] Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking!\nStrong Woman: You really think I couldn't have handled that? Myself?\nPC Principal: Oh. Uh, I was just making sure everything was uh-\nStrong Woman: You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that?\nPC Principal: Shit. I mean, no, sorry, sorry, I'm not u-, uh, here you go. [hands the mic back to her]\nStrong Woman: I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything, but I also want the boys to know what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody. [walks forward a bit] Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone.\nPC Principal: From everyone!\nStrong Woman: [glances back at him] Sorry, am I not doing this correctly?\nPC Principal: No. NO! Sorry, I thought I'd... add, just add for emphasis.\nStrong Woman: You felt it wasn't strong enough? Me just saying it?\nPC Principal: No-I, I'm... Uh, I'm sorry.\nStrong Woman: [sighs, turns back to students] I'm looking forward to being your vice principal, and I'm looking forward to turning this school around.\nPC Principal: [moves up] Alright, now if we have any q-\nStrong Woman: I'm not finished!\nPC Principal: [backs up] Right, right, uh, I'm sorry. Every- pay attention everybody!\nScene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show. As the announcers speak, the logos come up.\nAnnouncer 1: It's the Terrance & Phillip Sho-o-ow.\nAnnouncer 2: On Netflix. [the camera pans down to the duo. Terrance holds a pitchfork]\nPhillip: Hey Terrance, what did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest?\nTerrance: I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip climbs up a three-step ladder, turns around, and farts on Terrance. They laugh at each other. The kids watching at Stan's living room laugh at them, but Kyle looks rather disinterested. The doorbell rings]\nStan: Come in!\nCartman: [walks in with Heidi] Did we miss it?\nStan: It's just starting.\nHeidi: Oh look, honey. Kyle's mom is here. Shouldn't you be at temple, Ms. Broflovski? [Kyle is shocked as the others laugh]\nCanadian Mexican: [walks into view] Hola. Would you like to buy some chimichangas?\nTerrance: Si, mi amigo. [climbs onto the hay bale next to him as Phillip goes up the stepladder] Here, I'll give you two pesos. [he and Phillip take turns farting on the vendor. The kids in Stan's living room laugh]\nHeidi: Dude, that's awesome.\nStan: [notices Kyle isn't laughing] What, what's wrong, dude.\nKyle: For the first time I feel kind of bad for the person being farted on.\nHeidi: Uf, Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys. Better shut it off. [everyone laughs]\nCartman: Baby, I fuckin' love you so much.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting.\nPC Principal: Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]\nStrong Woman: Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me \"Miss Woman\" or just \"Strong.\" If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?\nMr. Mackey: Uhm'kay.\nStrong Woman: So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's \"Hold My Hand\" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]\nMr. Mackey: Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?\nSubstitute Teacher: Yeah, yeah, I hear it.\nStrong Woman: [rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.\nPC Principal: E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]\nScene Description: The playground, recess. Kyle is on his iPhone lookiing at YouTube videos of Terrance & Phillip over the years. First is a teen Terrance farting on Cher on the Soony & Cher Show, then a teen Phillip farts and sits on Sonny. Next is a video of Terrance & Phillip farting on a deer, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her dog, then one of Terrance farting on a News Canada reporter, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her baby. A song comes up, reminiscent of Michael Jackson's \"Man In The Mirror\".\nThe Preacher: Therefore what God hath joined together let no man [Terrance farts on the preacher] Oh! [the duo laugh. Kyle just gets off the merry-go-round and walks off campus. He walks onto a small stone bridge, where he looks at his reflection on the water below. He then leaves the bridge and goes home to look at his reflection on full-length mirror in his room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it up]\nMichael Jackson: That's it. That's it, Kyle. [Kyle takes off his Terrance & Phillip T-shirt and puts it away is his trash can, then goes to his dresser to pull out a baby blue shirt and puts it on. He then goes to the vanity mirror, takes off his hat, and gives himself a haircut] No more. No more of them doody jokes. [he leaves the bathroom and goes back to the mirror in his room] No more watching cartoons of people, people having go doody. [he checks himself out on the mirror] And poo-pooing on each other's heads. [he puts on his jacket and hat back on] It's not funny anymore, is it, Kyle? [he checks himself out once more]\nScene Description: Dr. Gauche's office, day. PC Principal has gone in to have his hearing checked. Hootie & The Blowfish is still in his head. The doctor walks in.\nDoctor: Hello there, misterr... Principal, is it?\nPC Principal: That's right, I'm PC Principal.\nDoctor: Hm what's bringing you in today?\nPC Principal: I'm uh... having this problem with my ears. There's like a persistent kind of ahh ringing going on.\nDoctor: [checking the right ear canal with a scope] O-kay, can you describe the ringing?\nPC Principal: It's um, Hootie & The Blowfish.\nDoctor: You're hearing a song? [walks to the other side to check out the left eat canal]\nPC Principal: Yeah, uh, ahem, there's a new woman that has joined our faculty. Her name is Strong Woman, and uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears.\nDoctor: So maybe you're having some feelings for her.\nPC Principal: No, that couldn't be it. We work in the same place, so it would be impossible for me to like her. I'm thinking there's some sort of device in my ears.\nDoctor: Well, I looked, and Hootie & The Blowfish aren't in your ears. I believe you're hearing them in your mind and your heart.\nPC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro.\nScene Description: Vice Principal Strong Woman's office, day. Kyle stands outsdie the office door. To one side are \"What is Gender\" pamphlets for boys and girls separately. Kyle knocks on the door.\nStrong Woman: You may enter. [Kyle walks in and sees her putting her books in order]\nKyle: Vice Principal Woman?\nStrong Woman: Yes? [sits at her desk] What can I do for you?\nKyle: My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately. I came because I might be able to offer some... insight into our problem here.\nStrong Woman: Please, by all means.\nKyle: You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now that it comes from a Canadian TV show. All the boys watch it. I did too. We all laughed while they... farted... on innocent people's heads. The thing is, I never felt for the person being farted on. Until now. I want to work with you to open people's eyes, because I get it now.\nStrong Woman: [not following] You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it?\nKyle: What?\nStrong Woman: I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger at our own shortcomings.\nKyle: But, but I thought for sure YOU would be on my side.\nStrong Woman: Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually.\nKyle: What?? D'oh, forget it! [turns around and walks out]\nScene Description: The school hallways. Kyle walks by himself as other kids are at their lockers. Cartman's voice is heard over the PA system.\nCartman: May I have your attention please? Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Thank you. [begins to laugh. The kids around Kyle begin to laugh as well]\nHeidi: [over the PA system] Come on, we've gotta get out of here.\nKyle: Rrrrr!\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, later. PC Principal tries to block out \"Hold My Hand\" from his ears, but it only gets louder. His office door opens.\nMr. Mackey: You wanted to see me, PC Principal?\nPC Principal: Uh YES. Yes, Mackey, um, I just wanted to see how you thought it was going with Strong Woman.\nMr. Mackey: Well, she seems to be acclimating fine, ukay, the kids really respect her.\nPC Principal: Do you know, uh, [begins to fumble on his words] Do you know if Strong Woman has a boyfriend?\nMr. Mackey: What??\nPC Principal: No-nothing. Just forget it. [leaves his desk and walks towards the door]\nMr. Mackey: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! Askin' if a coworker is available in today's times?!\nPC Principal: I just wanted to know because she's unavailable, then maybe I can get my head off of her, alright?\nMr. Mackey: Oh boy, this is bad! This is real bad!\nPC Principal: [turns around] I don't know how it happened. I know it's inappropriate and yet I can't stop thinking about her. I think I'm... sick.\nMr. Mackey: Look, this is real fucking fire you're dealing with, uhkay?! I'm gonna get someone down here from HR!\nPC Principal: HR? Is that like... Hootie Removal?\nMr. Mackey: No! Human resources! The people that come in to make sure everything's kept on the level! We gotta get you back on track!\nScene Description: Special Report.\nAnchor Tom: Is Canada a bad influence on the United States? A group of young people called \"Millennials Against Canada\" thinks so, and we are joined by their leader, Kyle Broflovski.\nKyle: Thanks for having me, Tom.\nAnchor Tom: Young man, you say Canada is to blame for most of our problems.\nKyle: All I'm saying is that there's a culture that originates from Canada which is at least partly to blame for the state of our country now.\nAnchor Tom: To respond to this we're now joined by the Canadian Minister of Streaming.\nMinister of Streaming: Thanks for having me, buddeh.\nAnchor Tom: Minister, how do you answer to these angry millennials?\nMinister of Streaming: Well, they're pissed off because their country sucks, so they wanna point the finger at us.\nKyle: I'm saying we're all guilty too. I grew up watching Terrance & Phillip, and I thought it was funny.\nMinister of Streaming: So you thought it was funny, but now it's not funny?\nKyle: No, it was never funny. I see it differently now.\nMinister of Streaming: Oh, so you want to censor it.\nKyle: We don't wanna censor it, we just wanna... get rid of it.\nMinister of Streaming: Uh huh, you sound like a Jewish mother.\nKyle: Oh, see? That's what I'm talking about, right there! That kind of mean, degrading, Canadian trash!\nMinister of Streaming: Now I resent that! I find that racist-\nKyle: Canadians should care about the rest of the world!\nMinister of Streaming: You are a racist, fwiend, and if you have a problem with Canada, maybe you should speak to your backwards President!\nKyle: Maybe I will!\nMinister of Streaming: 'Kay, go ahead!\nKyle: Maybe I know the President!\nMinister of Streaming: Oh, sure you do! Just like all Jewish moms, 'cause you don't understand how-\nKyle: Stop calling me that!\nMinister of Streaming: Can I finish?!\nKyle: That's all you know is how to be mean-\nMinister of Streaming: That's not a- Can I finish, please?!\nKyle: Because you were all raised on it yourselves!\nMinister of Streaming: Please, can I finish?! [a few seconds of silence] Alright, I'm finished.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting.\nPC Principal: Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you know, we want to provide a safe work environment for all our employees. Sometimes feelings do arise and we are tempted by the Devil to act upon them. So we've been reaching out to Human Resources division as I think we can all use someone to tell us about what is and isn't considered misconduct. She has some great advice for us, so please welcome Heather Conduct. Go ahead, Miss Conduct.\nMiss Conduct: Hello, everyone, my name is Miss Conduct. I'm hear to talk about making sure we avoid any trouble at this school. M'alright?\nMr. Mackey: [smiles] Uh m'kay.\nMiss Conduct: M'alright. Now, by a show of hands, who's ever had inappropriate feelings for a coworker? [Strong Woman raises her hand. PC Principal is surprised]\nScene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show, guest-starring a Canadian girl scout selling cookies.\nPhillip: Well hello there, little girl.\nTerrance: Are you selling girl scout cookies?\nGirl: Well yes I am. How about a Snickerdoodle?\nPhillip: Alright, you asked for it. [raises his right leg up high slowly and farts on the girl. The duo laugh] Oh! Oh, I think I shit my pants.\nKyle: [runs into view blowing a referee whistle] Alright! That's it! Everyone stop! We're shutting it down! [the show's crew is stunned, and adult members of Millennials Against Canada come in and confiscate the equipment] We are Millennials Against Canada. We demand this kind of bullying Canadian entertainment be stopped!\nTerrance: Didn't think I'd live long enough to see this all happen again.\nScene Description: Breaking News.\nAnchor Tom: More and more millennials are turning into Jewish mothers today as they demand the censorship of entertainment. The protesters say they're not giving up and are demanding to speak with the President of the United States.\nM.A.C. Protester 1: [walks up to Kyle with a ringing cell phone] Here you go. Call is coming in on your phone.\nKyle: Good. Give it here. [receives it and answers] Yes, hello? This is the leader of Millennials Against Canada.\nStan: [calling from his living room] Kyle, what the fuck are you doing? [Everyone present at the viewing party is there again, except Kyle]\nKyle: Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking a stand and doing something. I realize this doesn't gel with your nihilism!\nStan: Okay, dude. I didn't wanna have to say this, but you're really starting to sound like your mom.\nKyle: I'm not like my mom! I'm gonna make a difference! It's gonna feel real good!\nTweek: [runs up and takes the phone from Stan] Kyle! Kyle! Don't do this, man! You can't mess with this shit while You Know Who is in office! We're all gonna die!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. Miss Conduct holds the floor.\nMiss Conduct: M'alright, so now everyone, we're gonna do some role-playing, m'alright? Talk about appropriate ways we can talk in the workplace. Can I, can I get a volunteer to role-play with me? M'alright? [looks towards Mackey] How about you, Mr. uh...\nMr. Mackey: Mr. Mackey.\nMiss Conduct: M'alright, come on up here. [he joins her] M'alright now, we're just gonna pretend it's a normal mornin' before work, and we're startin' the day. [shakes hand] Oh, Mr. Mackey. Good mornin'!\nMr. Mackey: [a bit awkward] Good morning, uh, Miss Conduct.\nMiss Conduct: Now, did you have a nice night?\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, yeah it was good.\nMiss Conduct: M'alright. Okay. Uh good luck today, and I hope that our workin' relationship can continue to be honest and straightforward.\nMr. Mackey: Oh, ah I'm very open and honest, I promise you that.\nMiss Conduct: I can see that. You got very honest eyes, m'alright. [turns to the rest of the faculty] M'alright, I probably shouldn't have said \"You have honest eyes\", m'alright. That's a big crossin' the line, commentin' on his physical attributes, m'alright? That's bad. I'm gonna stick to just talkin' about work only, m'alright? [back to Mr. Mackey] So, uh, Mr. Mackey, what methods do you use for counseling the students?\nMr. Mackey: Oh, I mostly use a semi-cognitive approach adapted by Kiezrick Solomon.\nMiss Conduct: Wow, you studied Solomon? He was actually my thesis in college.\nMr. Mackey: Are you serious? Nobody I talked to has ever even heard of him!\nMiss Conduct: No! Same here! What made you attracted to his work?\nMr. Mackey: Well it's just such a na-natural approach, m'kay?\nMiss Conduct: M'alright, m'alright.\nMr. Mackey: When I read it, you know, first I was like \"whoa, okay!\"\nMiss Conduct: M'alright.\nMr. Mackey: \"This just really makes sense\", you know?\nMiss Conduct: [giggles] Well, m'alright.\nMr. Mackey: Mmmm'kay\nMiss Conduct: M'alright. [they smile at each other]\nScene Description: Washington, D.C., day. The Minister of Streaming rides into town with four bodyguards and pull up to the White House. The minister walks into the Oval Office with two of his guards.\nMinister of Streaming: Mr. President! You need to do something about your millennials!\nPresident Garrison: [plucking with his eyebrows] What do you want me to do?\nMinister of Streaming: Terrance & Phillip are Canada's largest export! They account for 80% of our gross national product! If your citizens mess with them, they mess with all of us!\nGarrison: Look, I'm President of the United States. I can't get involved in every petty little protest against a third-world country.\nMinister of Streaming: Third-world country?! [steps forward] How dare you! Canada is second-world at least! [reaches the desk] Now you listen here, Mr. Buddeh! Either you stop the embargo on The Terrance & Phillip Show, or we'll bring in our own troops to stop it ourselves!\nGarrison: Are you threatening us, you beady-eyed Canuck?\nMinister of Streaming: I'm simply telling you that Canada will do what it must to protect itself!\nGarrison: Then I guess both our countries better be prepared.\nScene Description: The faculty room, continuing. Mr. Mackey and Miss Conduct are now sitting on folding chairs enjoying their conversation, holding cups of coffee in their hands, crossing their right legs over their left ones.\nMr. Mackey: And then, you know, I was-I was looking to get away from the city. [uncrosses his legs] I've never really been a city person.\nMiss Conduct: M'alright, m'alright, I definitely get that, m'alright.\nMr. Mackey: [crosses his legs again] I like hikin' around, bein' around in nature, m'kay.\nMiss Conduct: No, I agree, I agree, the city's bad. I love hikin' too. What are some of your favorite places?\nMr. Mackey: Well, you know, Mt. Evens is always nice.\nMiss Conduct: [chuckles] M'alright, m'alright. [they uncross their legs as a siren sounds]\nStrong Woman: What the hell is that?\nMr. Adler: [checks his phone] There's some kind of... military alert going out.\nPC Principal: [stands up and looks out the window] All right, military alert, everyone! Let's get to the hallways and get the students to the gymnasium! Come on, let's move!\nScene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show set, day. There's a break in taping, since no one is moving. Helicopters are heard in the distance, police sirens are heard arriving.\nM.A.C. Protester 2: [looks out a window] It's the National Guard.\nKyle: The National Guard?\nM.A.C. Protester 1: It's the President. He wants to talk to you. [hands him the phone]\nKyle: Yes. This is Millennials Against Canada.\nGarrison: Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.\nKyle: We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.\nGarrison: What exactly do you want?\nKyle: What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be erased from the Earth!\nGarrison: Jeez, I got a little chub.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Students run towards the gym as PC Principal and Strong Woman round them up and herd them there.\nStrong Woman: Let's go! Everyone to the gymnasium now!\nPC Principal: You heard her! Move it, people! [more students run towards the gym. As the last of them runs by, he turns around] I have to make sure all the classes are empty. You go take cover with the kids.\nStrong Woman: I'm coming too. I'm your vice principal.\nPC Principal: Alright, come on! [they reach the faculty room] Oh no.\nStrong Woman: What's wrong?\nPC Principal: Vice Principal Woman, I need to ask you something.\nStrong Woman: Okay?\nPC Principal: This is very difficult, but, uh...\nStrong Woman: What? What?\nPC Principal: [clears his throat] Well, as you can see, there's a door in front of us.\nStrong Woman: Yes, there is.\nPC Principal: I would like to open this door for you. However, I understand the gender-based biases this can imply.\nStrong Woman: Why do you need to open the door?\nPC Principal: I don't need to open the door. I'd just be opening it and holding it the same way I would for Counselor Mackey, a student, anyone else.\nStrong Woman: Somebody's gonna have to open the door, or we could die out here.\nScene Description: A second or two later, and they both reach for the doorknob. Her right hand gets there first and he wraps his left hand around her wright hand. They look at each other as \"Hold My Hand\" plays again. The kids are now in the gym with their teachers and other faculty. The President opens a briefcase and takes out a key with which to activate the suitcase. He puts the key in the lock and turns it, triggering a green light, and types in the numerical code that will launch a bomb onto Canada. Sometime later, a bomb falls onto Toronto, Canada, and blows it up, sending up hundreds of Canadians to their deaths. PC Principal takes off his glasses and he and Strong Woman gaze into each other's eyes. More Canadian bodies fly around. At the Terrance & Phillip show set, Kyle walks up to a TV showing the destruction the President has unleashed and is horrified by it. The last scene is PC Principal and Strong Woman gazing into each other's eyes, their hands no longer on the doorknob."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, a rainy night. A girl screams\nCrystal: Mommy! Momm-mmy! [her bedroom door opens and her parents walk in. Her dad flicks on the lights] He's gonna get me!\nBob White: Honey, honey, who's gonna get you?\nCrystal: The President! I saw him! He's gonna get me!\nBob White: Crystal, the President isn't going to get you.\nCrystal: But I saw him!\nBob White: [to his wife] See what I told you? It's that liberal school she's going to, filling her head with all kinds of garbage! Sweetie, the President is doing the best job he can. Your liberal school is just trying to convince you he's dangerous.\nCrystal: But Daddy, he's getting-\nBob White: Uh uh, no buts! The President is in the White House, not here trying to get you. Okay?\nCrystal: Oh-kaaay?\nBob White: All right. [he and Mom walk out the door, and he tells Mom] We're having a talk with that school in the morning! [turns to Crystal] Good night, honey. [turns off the lights, and the couple goes to their room. Thunder and lightning get Crystal out of bed and she goes to her window. She sees a shadow on the walkway outside. When lightning flashes, she sees it's indeed the President.]\nGarrison: Hey! How are my approval ratings?! [Crystal runs back to bed]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, 8:57 p.m. He's moping at the foot of his bed.\nReporter: And the latest reports are now saying that over a million Canadians were killed in the nuclear blast. The bomb dropped by the U.S. President took out the entire city of Toronto, and fallout is expected to kill thousands more in the coming days. [A moment of silence follows, and Ike appears at Kyle's door.]\nKyle: Ike... Ike, I'm sorry that I caused a nuclear bomb to be dropped on Canada. I was just- you know, I was just trying to get shows that were toxic taken down. You know, those shows can be really harmful.\nIke: Ohhh, stop being a victim! Jesus Christ! [turns left and walks away. Kyle is left with his jaw dropped, then goes back to moping]\nScene Description: South Park, Elementary, day. It's raining outside. The Principal's office. A father is expressing his concerns\nBob White: What I wanna know is, what gives you the right to preach your political views to my children?! Our daughter woke up with nightmares that the President was going to get her! Just because two liberals happen to be principal and vice principal doesn't mean you can brainwash my kids!\nPC Principal: Uh, we sort of have some bigger problems right now, Mr. Uh...\nBob White: It's White. Bob White. You probably never even heard of our family, huh? Well, the Whites have been here since the beginning! Not that it matters, 'cause no one cares about the Whites. Sure, everyone else has problems, but does anyone ask the Whites how they're doing?!\nStrong Woman: Mr. White, we assure you that we run this school in a very [glances at PC Principal] professional manner and don't let [glances again] personal emotions get in the way. [glances again. He looks back, and their eyes are locked]\nBob White: Oh, sure you don't! You know how hard I had to fight to even get this meeting with you?! \"Oh, who wants to talk to the administration? Oh, it's just the Whites? Oh, who cares about the Whites? They're fine!\" Well, we've just about had with you, you understand? [a song plays that drowns out Mr. White's rant: Barbara Mandrell - \"(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right\"] And damn it, we won't be ignored!\nMrs.White: [hearing the song somehow] I'm sorry, is anyone else hearing \"(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right\" very very quietly?\nStrong Woman: Uh, no. Mr. and Mrs. White, we promise that we will not let anything happen that might bring the integrity of this school into question.\nBob White: Guess that's all the Whites can hope for these days.\nScene Description: South Park, night. Someone is riding a bike in the rain. It's Tweek. He notices something off to his left - a red balloon - on which is written \"Make America Great Again.\" The balloon pops, revealing President Garrison\nGarrison: Hey!\nTweek: Aaaagh!\nGarrison: How are my approval ratings?\nTweek: It's the President! Gaaahhh! [rides away quickly]\nGarrison: Wait, come back! What's wrong?\nScene Description: Sepcial Report, with Bill Keegan\nBill Keegan: Still no word from the President, as his Splatty Tomato approval rating drops to an unprecedented 3%. This puts the President four points below Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature. Meanwhile, the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau called upon Canadians to stand strong.\nJustin Trudeau: [stands behind a tattered podium with a Canadian flag on it.] Make no mistake, America! If you do not hand over your President, there will be war the likes of which you have never seen! Canadians will rise together! I call on all Canadians here and abroad to stand with their country! The U.S. President must answer for his crime, and only Canada can bring him to justice! [Trudeau himself was bombed, as he is charred and tattered as well. Ike, having seen the broadcast, gets angry and walks off]\nScene Description: A bus bench, day. Craig and Tweek sit on it, Tweek shivering from his encounter with the President. Tweek grumbles.\nCraig: [pats him on the shoulder] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.\nTweek: I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!\nKyle: [Him and Stan walk up with their bikes] What's going on?\nCraig: Tweek's having a panic attack.\nTweek: It was real! He tried to get me!\nKyle: Who did?\nTweek: The President! [Stan looks away, as if Tweek's statement hit close to home]\nCraig: It's just your imagination, Tweek.\nStan: It's not his imagination. I saw him too.\nKyle: You saw the President?\nStan: Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, \"How could this be...\"\nHeidi: ...\"The President?\" [Her and Cartman walk up with their bikes] I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me \"How are my ap...\"\nToken: \"...How are my approval ratings?\" [walks up with his bike] I saw him too.\nStan: Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger...\nRandy: [rides up on his bike] ...Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.\nCraig: But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?\nCartman: Just like that movie It.\nRandy: You saw It too?\nCartman: Yeah, I saw It in the theater.\nToken: I saw Stranger Things AND It.\nRandy: Jesus. I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face a few seconds later.] Aw!\nScene Description: Town meeting, night. A crowd has gathered inside, and all the townsfolk are talking\nMayor McDaniels: All right, people. People, please! We need everyone to try and stay calm.\nTownsman 1: How can we stay calm while the President's out there scaring our children?!\nMayor McDaniels: Look, we all want the President out of here. It's just a matter of how we do it. I know you all want to get rid of him.\nBob White: That's not true! The Whites still support the President\nRandy: Oh, for fuck's sake, White, he's running around eating our pets and terrorizing our kids!\nBob White: You think Hillary would have been any better?!\nTownsfolk: Aw! Come on! Sit down, Bob!\nBob White: [Sits down] I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin'\nMayor McDaniels: Listen, everyone. I have a team right now that's trying to locate the President, and I'd like you to hear from Officer Bright, who's leading the search. [the officer adjusts his pants and walks up to the podium]\nOfficer Bright: Hey folks, we know you're all uh concerned, but I wanna assure you that we're doing everything we can to track the President down and have him safely removed. Since the President was given a Splatty Tomato he's become very desperate and very dangerous. If you see the President, do not approach him. Do not try to reason with him. Most importantly, remember that this is the President, so you cannot shoot him. All right? You can't even talk about shooting him. Don't even... do any coy, satirical takes on shooting him. [the room stays silent] Okay, good. What we're trying to do here is just get the President to go away. We're gonna be handing out padlocks like this one [lifts one up for display] so everyone can lock up their garbage. If we don't feed the President, hopefully he'll just move on. Are there any questions?\nTownsman 2: Can we talk about a friend shooting him if it's in sort of a sarcastic way?\nOfficer Bright: No, no, no. It's just best to avoid that kind of talk altogether. Remember, they can do to you what they did to Kathy Griffin.\nRandy: Make her not funny for thirty years?\nOfficer Bright: That's right, so best thing is just lock up your garbage and see if we can get the President to... go away.\nScene Description: South Park, night. An officer is tacking posters of missing Ike onto community boards throughout town. Stan, Cartman, Heidi, Craig, and Tweek watch as the officer finishes his work on one particular board and moves on\nStan: Jesus. Now kids are going missing.\nTweek: We're all going to be missing soon! Nyaaarg!\nStan: [notices Kyle across the street walking by] Kyle! [the kids walk up to him]\nKyle: It's my fault. Ike went to go take matters into his own hands. I have to find him.\nCraig: We'll help you.\nStan: We'll all help you.\nCartman: Guys this could be very dangerous.\nHeidi: You're not going. You promised that tonight, we would have a date night.\nCartman: Darling this is a little more pressing than date night.\nHeidi: Oh great. So Kyle's stupid brother goes missing, and I get fucked. How come I'm always the one getting shit on around here?\nKyle: I don't need anyone to go with me.\nHeidi: Oh what's the matter, Kyle? Don't want me around because you had the hots for me and I shut you down?\nKyle: I would never have the hots for the person you are now.\nStan: Come on you guys. Look, we all know what we're supposed to do now We all saw \"It\" and \"Stranger Things\". We need to get our backpacks and go out to the woods and save the town from evil to some kick-ass '80s' music!\nScene Description: Meanwhile at De Faggoncini Italian, Butters, the Vice Principal and PC Principal walk trhough the door. Butters wears a message on his shirt saying 'Student of the Day'.\nWaiter: Hello, joining us for lunch today?\nPC Principal: Uh, yes. We are here with our student of the day to reward him lunch with the principal and vice principal.\nStrong Woman: We have a reservation.\nWaiter: Okay, last name?\nStrong Woman: Woman.\nWaiter: First name?\nStrong Woman: [Takes a deep breath] Strong.\nWaiter: Oh, yes, Strong Woman, here we are. We have a nice booth set up for you.\nStrong Woman: We can't keep doing this. People are gonna see through it.\nPC Principal: Is it my fault that I found the most amazing, perfect, beautiful woman...at work?\nStrong Woman: Nobody will understand.\nPC Principal: Maybe they will. We're co-worker who are in love. You really think that's going to bother people?\nButters: Well, should we order now?\nScene Description: Bob White comes out of his house with some food. He then starts whistling. He then proceeds to put the food on the floor but is stopped.\nRandy: What are you doing, Bob?\nBob White: Aah!\nRandy: [Randy is joined by Steven, Linda, Sharon and Roger] Have you been putting food out for the president?\nBob White: No, I was just, uh, taking these sandwiches to the trash.\nRandy: We all agreed not to feed him so he'd go away.\nBob White: We didn't all agree! You all agreed! Nobody asked the Whites how they felt! Nobody cares what the Whites have to say!\nRandy: Bob, come on. You have to know it's not safe to have him here.\nBob White: In 2003, Hillary Clinton admitted to taking funds for her foundation from foreign diplomats!\nRandy: What's that got to do with anything, Bob? Come on.\nBob White: It's fucking true!\nRandy: Bob, if Canada finds out the president is hiding here, they are going to nuke us. He needs to go.\nBob White: Hillary wouldn't have been any better.\nRandy: Give me the finger sandwiches.\nBob White: Fine! Go ahead and take the White's sandwiches! They've taken everything else!\nScene Description: As the boys begin their journey \"The Chicago Bears' The Super Bowl Shuffle\" plays.\nStan: Due, this is '80's' music?\nCraig: Yeah. It's Pandora. '80s' channel.\nStan: Well, just skip to the next song, man. We're trying to get psyched to destroy evil. We need better '80s' music than that.\nScene Description: As the boys continue, \"Gloria\" plays. Heidi stops as the boys go over a bridge.\nCartman: Heidi? Honey, what are you doing?\nHeidi: This is the place... This is the place where I ended it all, remember? This is where I threw my phone of the bridge and quit Twitter for good. [The camera pans to the left to show Heidi's ghost] I was so different then... so naive and hopeful. [The ghost throws the phone in the river after tweeting her final goodbye]\nCartman: Yes honey, now can we get going, please?\nHeidi: I'm sorry! I'm trying to have a moment here! This is where our whole relationship started asshole!\nCartman: Yes, it's very touching, sweetheart. I love you so much. [Quietly] I'm sorry about this, you guys.\nHeidi: [The ghost turns to face herself] I remember feeling like I had nobody. Skinny bitch.\nKyle: We need to keep going guys.\nScene Description: Over at the Mayor's office.\nMayor McDaniels: Don't tell me you haven't gotten the President out of here.\nOfficer Bright: We haven't gotten the president out of here. And there's some worse news. A bunch of kids have gone missing.\nMayor McDaniels: What?\nOfficer Bright: I think we have to assume that the President has... eaten them. [Mrs Tweak starts crying]\nMayor McDaniels: Why are you here talking to me instead of trying to find the President?\nOfficer Bright: Don't worry, we're close. He's out in the woods somewhere. And we've set up a fox trap.\nMayor McDaniels: A fox trap?\nScene Description: The president is watching a mouse, grabs it and eats it. He then sees Fox News with a man sitting waiting.\nGarrison: Oh, Fox News... They'll listen to me. They'll get my side of the story right!\nBob White: [He whistles the bird call of the bobwhite quail to get Garrison's attention] It's a trap!\nGarrison: What?\nBob White: It's a Fox trap, Mr. President!\nGarrison: Oh, thank God for the Whites.\nScene Description: The boys venture on as \"Hold On to the Nights\" plays.\nKyle: Ike! Ike?\nStan: Dude, come on! This is not kick-ass '80s' music!\nCraig: \"Hold On to the Nights\" Richard Marx, 1988.\nTweek: Do we really need music?\nStan: Yeah! Craig just has the wrong stuff. Forget your pandora. I'm doing Spotify. '80s' music. 'Kay. There. [\"Pac-Man Fever\" plays]\nCraig: Oh, yeah. That's better.\nKyle: Can we go please?!\nScene Description: The boys come up to the log cabin.\nKyle: Here it is. [Opens the door] Ike?\nHeidi: Wait a minute... Isn't this the place you brought me before? The place you said your friends smashed your phone and computer...? I remember I felt so bad for you. We used to sit in the part and talk for hours. How come we never do that anymore?\nCartman: Oh, fuck. Here we go.\nHeidi: Here we go what?! You used to be so nice to me.\nCartman: You used to be nice to me!\nHeidi: I tired! But then you started rolling your eyes every time I tried to talk to you!\nCartman: Ughhhh...\nKyle: He's not here either.\nCraig: Dude, maybe your brother didn't even go looking for the President.\nKyle: You don't understand Canadians. They're fiercely loyal to their country. When Canada is attacked, they all join in the fight.\nScene Description: Ike is seen riding a dog. He uses a pair of binoculars to look around. He then picks some poo up, breaks it in half and sniffs it, he then proceeds to get back on his dog.\nScene Description: Randy and a few other parents are looking around in the woods. He uses a flashlight.\nJimbo: Randy! Randy!\nRandy: What?\nJimbo: They got him! They found the President!\nOfficer Bright: We found his hideout. There. Someone's gotta go flush him out. I'll be ready to trap him.\nRandy: I'll do it.\nOfficer Bright: Hey, hey! Just remember he's been eating animals and living like a monster. Just... prepare yourself for what you're about to see.\nScene Description: Randy approaches the tent and looks inside to see Strong Woman and PC Principal naked.\nStrong Woman: Oh my God!\nRandy: What the... Principal and Vice Principal...?\nStrong Woman: I told you we couldn't hide.\nRandy: But... But you two work togeth... You two work togeth... [Vomits]\nOfficer Bright: Hey, what the hell's going on?!\nLinda Black: Who's together?\nRandy: The Principal and the Vice Principal!\nSteven: They can't be together! They're co-workers!\nScene Description: PC Principal and Strong Woman exit the tent. Steven vomits.\nOffier Bright: Wait, wait. You mean he's actually her superior and they were in there... [Gags, then vomits]\nSteven: Who would want to put their penis in a co-worker?! [Gags then vomits. Everyone else starts doing the same]\nScene Description: The boys proceed on while Queen of Hearts plays.\nKyle: Oh, my God! Look! These are Ike's toy binoculars! He was here! Ike!\nHeidi: I remember this place too... This is where you brought me on Halloween. Remember?\nCartman: [Sarcastically] Yes, darling, wasn't it romantic\nHeidi: No! It wasn't romantic. There was a witch and you had me dress up like Gretel and... [gasps] you were trying to get me killed!\nCartman: Sweetheart, you made me late to the pumpkin patch, remember? I was hurt.\nHeidi: You were hurt! You Were the victim.\nCartman: I'm glad you understand.\nHeidi: [Heidi's ghost appears] Who turned you into this, Heidi? Shut up! Skinny-ass bitch! You don't know anything!\nCartman: Heidi, I think spooky walk in the woods is making you lost it a little bit.\nStan: Guys!\nGarrison: I'm seriously dehydrated and starving. I'm pretty sick of this shit, so you better... Aah!\nScene Description: Mr Garrison gets caught in a trap Ike set up. Meanwhile at the Community Center.\nMr. Turner: Have we already done a search of this area? Maybe she went there with her boyfriend!\nMrs. Turner: She would have called by now.\nLaura: I just talked to the McCormicks. They haven't seen Tweek or Craig since yesterday.\nScene Description: Just then, Jimbo, Steven, Linda, Officer Bright, Roger, Mrs Tweak along with a few other parents walk through the door.\nSharon: Randy! Did you find anything?\nRandy: [He takes off his hood] Sharon... I... I...\nSharon: What is it? What did you find?\nRandy: The... There's... Ugh...\nSharon: Tell me! You have to tell me! [Officer Bright takes off his hat] Oh, God! What did you see?!\nRandy: You don't want to know.\nSharon: You have to tell me! I can take it! Did you find our son's arm? Did you find him torn apart? What?!\nRandy: The Principal and Vice Principal are, like... together. [Sharon vomits right onto Randy's face.] Aw!\nScene Description: Ike plays a high pitched horn as he arrives back in South Park. Everyone comes out of the Community Center. He has Garrison tied up behind and gagged.\nOfficer Bright: It's the President! [People begin to cheer]\nSheila: Ike! Kyle!\nSharon: Stan, you're okay!\nStan: Yeah, we're okay!\nOfficer Bright: We got him. We got the son of a bitch. [Bob White walks over and grabs Officer Bright's gun]\nBob White: Get back! Everyone back! Do it now! Get over here, family!\nRandy: Bob, for the love of Pete, our country is about to go to war!\nBob White: You wanna know where there's a war?! There's a war on Christmas! Nobody cares about that! 'Cos guess who loves Christmas? The Whites! At least this man's trying to save Christmas!\nGarrison: [Muffled] That's true!\nRandy: He's not saving Christmas, Bob. He's running around scaring your kids and shitting in the woods.\nBob White: [Sighs, sobs]\nRandy: Come on, Bob. What's best for your daughter? I mean, really?\nHeidi: [Heidi grabs White's gun] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! [She points the gun at Cartman] You controlled me and manipulated me and turned me into this!\nCartman: Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay?\nHeidi: I used to be kind. I used to be caring. But then you... you... No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.\nCartman: Honey, don't be ridiculous.\nHeidi: I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.\nCartman: Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.\nHeidi: Yes, I am. It's over.\nCartman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [He grabs the gun and points it at himself] Step back! I'll do it I swear to God!\nHeidi: It's not gonna work this time, Eric.\nCartman: You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on everybody! \"Eric, we don't want you to die.\"\nHeidi: I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't.\nCartman: Heidi! Heidi, I'm gonna do it! Here we go! Heidi? Are you seriously...\nScene Description: A scream is heard. Everyone moves to where Garrison was.\nOfficer Bright: He broke free!\nJimbo: The President is on the loose again.\nOfficer Bright: He'll be even more desperate now. It's going to get worse.\nStan: We can't destroy him, can we?\nRandy: I don't know. I guess... It's up to the Whites."}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson hands out papers to the students.\nMrs. Nelson: I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not. [hands Cartman his exam, which has a big red F stamped on it]\nCartman: Oh, man!\nMrs. Nelson: [goes to the board] The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one? [gun shots are heard outside, followed by faraway screams of children]\nButters: [raises his hand] Add together the three and the three.\nMrs. Nelson: [turns to the board] Good, Butters, we add the three's together. [writes 6 in the numerator's place.] And what about the four's? Token?\nToken: They're the denominators, so they stay a four.\nCartman: Wait, wait, Token got an A? But I cheated off Token!\nMrs. Nelson: Ah, I can't hear you, Eric.\nCartman: I said something's wrong! I got an F, but I cheated off Token!\nSWAT officer 1: [armed, runs into the classroom] Active shooter! Active shooter! [\"All units, report in\" The officer strikes various poses as he checks out the classroom. More gunshots are heard. Mrs. Nelson moves around to stay visible to the class]\nMrs. Nelson: And now we divide, right?! Craig, how about you?! What are we dividing?!\nSWAT officer 1: [moving offscreen] Active shooter! Active shooter!\nCraig: Divide four by six? [\"Report now!\"]\nMrs. Nelson: The four by the six?!\nSWAT officer 1: Unit 5 in southwest classroom! [more police chatter]\nMrs. Nelson: Or the six by the four?!\nKyle: The six by the four!\nSWAT officer 1: Southwest classroom, clear! [\"Copy. Southwest classroom, clear.\"]\nMrs. Nelson: Now we're gonna retake the exam on Friday.\nClass: AWWW!\nSWAT officer 2: Shooter's in the hallway! All units report! [he and officer 1 leave the classroom and make their way towards the shooter.]\nMrs. Nelson: Now I'm giving you an opportunity to do better. I hope you take advantage of it.\nSWAT officer: [the officers have swarmed the shooter outside] Put down the gun, son. You don't wanna do this.\nCartman: You can see where Token erased his answers and wrote down the right ones! He did it to me on purpose! [a final gunshot]\nMrs. Nelson: Eric, that's enough! [\"Shooter is down, shooter is down\"] Now let's move on to the next equation.\nScene Description: The aftermath. Aerial shot of the school. Four officers are on the school roof. Several officers are with the students in the playground on lockdown. A couple of paramedics carry the shooter away on a stretcher towards an ambulance. Several officers talk to the teachers on the school's front lawn. The bell rings and the students are released from lockdown\nCartman: That is such bullshit, you guys! Token knew I was cheating off him, so he deliberately put down the wrong answers! Why would he do that?!\nStan: I flunked that test too. I don't understand fractions - they don't make any sense.\nCartman: That's not the point, you guys! Why is Token out to get me? There's something going on here.\nBill Keegan: Another school shooting today has left students in shock and disbelief.\nKyle: Yeah, Token's probably sick of you cheating off him all the time.\nCartman: But why now? That's the question, Kyle. I always cheat off Token. Why did he choose now to hurt me?\nSharon: [a shot of her running towards him. She crosses the police barrier.] Stanley, oh my God! [gets down on her knees and hugs him tight] Baby! Oh, you're okay!\nStan: Uh, hey, Mom.\nSharon: It's all right, Stanley. We're gonna go home and talk about this with your dad. And we will get through this as a family! [stands up and pulls him away] Come on, get in the car!\nCartman: Dude, what's up Stan's mom's ass?\nScene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at the table and Sharon approaches the table with her plate and sits down. She glances over at Randy for a moment, then at Shelley.\nSharon: Stanley? Well? Do you wanna tell your father about what happened at school today?\nStan: [glances up at Randy, who is cutting a slice away from his steak.] Um... Oh- Oh, I... flunked my math quiz.\nSharon: Noo, the other thing!\nRandy: [looks at Sharon] What other thing? [Stan turns his head away. Randy looks at him] What happened at school today?\nStan: [looks at Randy] Oh, the school shooting?\nSharon: Yes, the school shooting!\nStan: Oh, yeah, some kid shot up the school.\nRandy: Who shot up the schoo- [holds up his knife] was it you?\nStan: No.\nRandy: Did you get shot?\nStan: No.\nRandy: Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?\nSharon: [Stands up in anger and pounds the table. Shelley looks at her, Randy is suddenly afraid] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!\nRandy: I'm sorry, Sharon. I...\nSharon: Why are you all acting like this is normal? What is wrong with you people?! [storms away upstairs]\nStan: What's up Mom's ass?\nScene Description: The master bedroom, night. Sharon is in there folding clothes and putting it away angrily\nRandy: [enters] Hey, Sharon, ya... doin' okay?\nSharon: No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!\nRandy: Uh huh, and... what else is goin' on?\nSharon: [turns around angrily] Why does there need to be anything else?! Are you kidding me?!\nRandy: [holds his palms up] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.\nSharon: Why isn't anyone else emotional?!\nRandy: ...Hun, uh... [pause] When was your last...? I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause you know, your... down there?\nSharon: Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's-\nRandy: I mean, I'm just, I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.\nSharon: GET OUT, RANDY! I'M NOT OVERREACTING!\nRandy: Okay. Okay, love you, honey. I'll leave you alone. [backs out of the room and sighs] Welp, another three days of this, probably. [turns around and walks down the hallway to the stairs]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands over PC Principal's left shoulder\nPC Principal: I understand that there have been some problems here at the school lately. A lot of students are experiencing anxiety, and Eric Cartman just wanted to be able to voice his concerns. Go ahead, Eric. [Cartman and Token are seated in chairs before him]\nCartman: Token, [sighs] There are some terrible things that I realize you might have heard from the other kids here at school. There are some rumors that have been going around, about me, that... that I thought Black Panther was a terrible movie. There's rumors that I said it was a structural mess. You know, that the rhinos were really stupid. I want to assure you that I never said anything like that. I loved Black Panther. So if, you know, you feel like there's a need to come after me, to get back at me, I just need you to know that people are lying, because I like Black Panther just as much as you did. I am not a racist.\nToken: I actually never saw Black Panther.\nCartman: [affecting a black accent] Say what, girlfriend? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Come on, Raj! You never saw Black Panther??\nToken: No, I didn't see it.\nCartman: But I thought all of you saw it. [Another day, another round of gunshots.]\nMr. Mackey: I got this one. [leaves the office and goes into the hallway.] All right, everyone, get down! Everybody get the fuck down!\nCartman: Token, let's be honest with each other, okay? Why else would you manipulate my test grades?\nPC Principal: How exactly did Token manipulate your grades, Eric? [sirens are heard approaching as gunfire continues]\nCartman: There was a test. I should have got an A on it, but Token did things to make me fail, and it's not fair.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, who's shootin' up the school?\nPC Principal: Is that true, Token? Did you do somethin' to make Eric fail a test?\nToken: [emphatic] I didn't make him fail, no!\nCartman: You didn't make me fail the test and you didn't see Black Panther. Right.\nMr. Mackey: Everyone down!\nAn officer: Active shooter, active shooter!\nCartman: I mean, I mean, this is ridiculous.\nMr. Mackey: [appears in the doorway directing the officers] Over this way! Into the cafeteria! Right over there, m'kay- No, you shot the wrong one!\nScene Description: The Marsh living room, night. Sharon has called a group of parents together\nSharon: Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents because this whole thing is out of control! [Randy sighs heavily] We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!\nStephen: Well, you know, Sharon, I think... its a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to Stephen furiously. It basically amounts to \"Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!\"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: \"she's crazy in the head\"] crazy? [Randy motions \"heavy menstrual flow\"]\nSharon: What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?\nStephen: Red?\nSharon: How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: \"She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy.\"] It was at our children's school!\nStephen: [still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time. [Sharon notices Randy's motions, and Randy stops in his tracks]\nRandy: I agree with my wife.\nLaura: Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.\nRyan: The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a campout for the homeless.\nSharon: [irate] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY!! [leaves and goes upstairs. No one says a word]\nRandy: ...Anybody need a drink?\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Upon entering school, the kids are getting wanded at three security stations as two security cameras look on from the ceiling. Mr. Mackey holds the reins of two drug-sniffing dogs who on occasion bark at a random student walking by. Deeper inside the school, Butters is hall monitor for the day, but he's armed with an AR-15\nCartman: [peeks out from behind a pillar] Butters. [during their conversation, Cartman looks away from time to time, making sure no one else is nearby to hear them]\nButters: Waaah! [startled, he almost loses the rifle, but gets control of it and aims it at Cartman] Ah! Uh-oh! [walks over to him] Hey Eric.\nCartman: Butters, I need help. My mom says if I flunk another math test, she's gonna ground me from playing Fortnite.\nButters: Oh, Jeez, want me to help you study?\nCartman: No, dumbass, I need to get some dirt on Token so he stops punishing me for what I supposedly said about Black Panther.\nButters: Oho, Black Panther? Well that was a great movie! [smiles]\nCartman: No it wasn't. But now listen. [Butters' smile vanishes] There's got to be something Token wouldn't want people to know. Something I can use as leverage.\nButters: Well, what do you want me to do? I got hall monitor duty.\nCartman: Just ask around. If you find any dirt on Token, give me a call.\nButters: Okay, Eric. [turns around and walks away]\nCartman: [thinking to himself.] This world is full of two types of people: [stops by Jason's locker for a moment and looks around] the ones who are honest, and the ones who don't play by the rules. [moves off. Jason looks at him. Next, he's going up some stairs but pauses as another student goes down the stairs, then continues up] Token's got everyone believing he's the one African-American in the entire country who didn't see Black Panther. What else is he lying about? [peeks around a corner and spots Nichole at her locker: she's switching books around. Cartman gets that mischievous look on his face]\nScene Description: The Marsh kitchen, evening. Randy is seated between Stephen and Gerald, getting tissue after tissue and blowing his nose\nRandy: [sniffles] It just gets so hard, you know? [Gerald hands him another tissue] Everything's going fine, and then at a certain time of the month I have to start walking on eggshells.\nStephen: It's all right, Randy.\nRandy: It's just. it's just once I'd like her to acknowledge it, you know? Just once say \"You know, maybe I was overreacting a little bit 'cause of my hormones.\"\nSharon: [appearing at a doorway to one side of the kitchen] Randy, they announced on the news there's been another school shooting in Jefferson County!\nRandy: [exasperated] Okay, Sharon. Cool.\nSharon: What is \"cool\" about that?!\nRandy: Nuh-nothing. I love you, sweetheart.\nSharon: GOD! [walks off angrily]\nRandy: I don't know. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's like, I turn on the TV and dread they'll say something about a school shooting because it's gonna set my wife off.\nStephen: Well, Randy, have you stopped to think that maybe this problem is bigger than Sharon's period?\nRandy: [sniffles] What... what do you mean?\nStephen: I mean that maybe what's going on really is a big deal. What if this is actually... menopause?\nRandy: Menopause? I don't even know what that is.\nScene Description: Mala Vista Middle School, Jefferson County, day. Like at South Park Elementary, there are officers on the roof and first responders on the ground. There are helicopters in the air and some reporters nearby. Randy appears, but what he's doing there is anybody's guess.\nParamedic: [puts a casualty into an ambulance and walks over] Well you see, Mr. Marsh, when the woman's ovaries actually stop producing eggs, it's a significant change. It's this ending of the menstrual cycle in a woman's life that we call menopause.\nRandy: Uh huh. But... if a woman isn't having periods anymore, then why would she still overreact and be bitchy?\nParamedic: Well actually, menopause is one of the most severely hormonal times a woman ever goes through. It's good you sought the advice of a medical professional, because the changes in your wife's body are gonna be confusing and at times hard to cope with.\nRandy: Well wait, you're saying this could actually get worse?\nParamedic: I'm afraid so. [notices some movement nearby] Ah, no. Dead ones go in the other truck. [back to Randy] You see Mr. Marsh, menopause is almost like a super period, and it's been known to last... for up to two years.\nRandy: [trembling] Oh my God!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Nichole is at her locker and opens the door\nCartman: [approaches her] Nichole, can I talk to ya? [leans against the lockers and puts his right foot on one of them]\nNichole: 'Bout what?\nCartman: Word on the street is you and Token are back together.\nNichole: We're trying, just talking a lot and seeing if we can work things out.\nCartman: Why did you break up with him? What did he do to you?\nNichole: That's... really none of your business. [closes the door and walks away]\nCartman: [keeps up] He didn't take you to see Black Panther with him, did he? That must have really stung.\nNichole: I don't know what you're talking about.\nCartman: Oh no? When you guys talk about how sweet Black Panther was, what's he say?\nNichole: We've never talked about it.\nCartman: Right. You two guys just hang out and talk, and Black Panther never comes up. Why are you covering for Token? What's he have on you?\nNichole: [walks away] I gotta get to class.\nCartman: [thinking to himself.] $1.3 billion domestic box office, a milestone for African Americans, [on the school roof taking pictures as Token turns to kick back a soccer ball] and I'm supposed to believe that Token and his little sex kitten never even talked about it. [at home he looks over all the pictures he took, with a pencil in his mouth] The all-school test is in less than 72 hours. Unless there's a connection, I'll be grounded from Fortnite for weeks. [looks closely at one of the pictures, which shows Token and his parents shopping]\nCartman: Hello, Mom and Dad.\nScene Description: A doctor's office, day. Sharon is seated at the sofa letting out her frustrations on the good doctor.\nSharon: I keep thinking... When will be the time when I get the call? You know? When will I answer the phone and find out my son, my daughter, were... killed? At school?\nDoctor: Mmmhmm. Yeah I see.\nSharon: I live in constant fear that I won't be there to protect my children when something happens to them.\nDoctor: Well, Sharon, have you maybe considered that your feelings are partly due to... handkerchief balls?\nSharon: What? [looks at him]\nDoctor: Handkerchief balls. Handkerchief out the balls. [Randy signs: \"she used to have periods,\"] Red handkerchief. [\"but now she's old and going through menopause\"] No- no more handkerchief. No more- no more red. Zero. Empty. Old lady.\nSharon: What I'm saying is that I'm so overwhelmed that I-\nDoctor: Old lady, where's my dick? [Sharon looks at him again] Where's my dick?\nSharon: What the hell are you talking about?! I don't understand! [checks the window and sees Randy] God damnit! [leaves the office and goes outside] Stop acting like there's something wrong with me! Something's wrong with you! All of you! Try having some God-damned compassion! [storms away]\nScene Description: Token's house, evening. Cartman is visiting them and talking to them about the movie in the kitchen\nCartman: Yeah. yeah yeah, I know. You know, my other favorite part was when Black Panther had those dreams about his dead father. I mean the dad, the tribal leader, speaking to the new king about being a good leader. I've never seen a movie do that before, except for Lion King, of course, but Black Panther was so original.\nSteve: We enjoyed it, yes.\nCartman: So, uh, what was Token's favorite part of Black Panther?\nLinda Black: Token?\nCartman: Yeah. You must have all had some deep family talks about it. What does Token say about it on Black Panther Family Discussion Night? [Token comes down some stairs and sees Cartman at table.]\nToken: Get out of my house!\nCartman: Token.\nToken: Come on, get out! [yanks him off the chair and shows him out the back door]\nCartman: Sure thing. You know, we were just talking about how your family did see Black Panther.\nSteve: Oh, no not the family. Token's mom and I saw it on date night. We're gonna watch it again with Token, though. We don't let him watch it alone because it's PG-13.\nCartman: Well, I guess there's nothing more to it, then. Nice talking to you folks. [walks out, but stops moments later] Eh, you know, just one last thing. If you ever found out your son saw a PG-13 movie without you, you'd probably be pretty pissed off.\nLinda: Well, Token wouldn't do that.\nCartman: No. No, he'd have no reason to falsely claim he's the only one who hasn't seen Black Panther. [to Token] I'll see you at school.\nScene Description: The Marsh doorbell, day. Someone is ringing it furiously. Sharon goes to answer it\nHarriet Biggle: Sharon, Sharon, you have to come quick!\nSharon: What is it?\nLinda Stotch: There's another shooting happening at the school right now!\nHarriet: It just started. Maybe we can make it in time!\nSharon: Oh my God! [takes off with the other woomen]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Linda drives up to the school and the three women get out.\nSharon: Come on, we have to hurry!\nLinda: No, Sharon. You go ahead first.\nSharon: Why??\nHarriet: You just- ya-you should go. [she runs into the school, which is darkened. The security stations are turned off but decorated with garlands. Candles sit on tables, while rose petals on the lobby floor form a heart. Wreaths are everywhere - looks like Randy rented the school out for this. From the left come one group of parents, from the right another group. Harriet and Linda come up behind her as \"Love Story\" starts up.]\nSharon: What the fuck is going on? [on the second floor, a spotlight shines on Randy as he begins singing. He then goes down a flight of stairs]\nRandy: Where do I begin To tell the story of how great a love can be? Surprise, Sharon The sweet love story that is older than the sea...\nScene Description: The boys bathroom. Cartman is inside waiting for someone to finish using a stall. Token opens the stall door and exits. He goes to wash his hands. Cartman moves and locks the bathroom door\nCartman: Oh hay, man. The big math quiz is about to start. You gonna let me cheat off you?\nToken: Nnnope.\nCartman: You saw Black Panther without your parents' permission. I typed up all my findings, Token. I made ten copies and put them in envelopes. If I don't pass this math quiz, the envelopes are all set to be sent to ten different news organizations.\nToken: You did all that instead of actually studying for the test?\nCartman: So, what's it gonna be, Token? You can be mad I didn't like Black Panther, but you can't take it out on me anymore.\nToken: I didn't see Black Panther.\nCartman: Then I guess your parents won't be mad when they read my report.\nCartman: In poker they call it a bluff. I know that right now, Token is shitting his pants. All I need to do now is wait for the poop to stink.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary lobby. Randy continues singing.\nRandy: She fills my heart with very special things. With angel songs, with wild imaginings She f-\nScene Description: The boys bathroom. Cartman is still trying to break Token\nCartman: Token, we are running out of time. If you don't let me cheat off you, I'm going to tell your parents that you saw Black Panther in the theater without them!\nToken: Ii didn't see Black Panther in the theater!\nCartman: Of course you did, Token! That's why me ripping on it pissed you off so much!\nToken: I sear on my mother's life, I don't care what you said about Black Panther! Goodbye! [taken aback, Cartman blocks Token's way]\nCartman: But Token, I don't understand! If you didn't see it, and you really don't care that I ripped on Black Panther, then why would you let me cheat- [stops himself and gets another idea...] Oh my God. You don't care what I said because you did see it... and you... didn't like it either. [takes a deep gasp. Token lowers his eyelids] That's what this is all about, isn't it? You hate yourself for seeing through the mirage like I did, and that's why you wouldn't let me cheat off you! Well I didn't write Black Panther, Token! It isn't my fault it sucked! Why go after me?! But now, it's over. Don't worry. They're not gonna know you didn't like Black Panther, so long as... you never make me fail another math test.\nToken: [checks his phone] Well, we're probably both gonna fail now because fourth period already started.\nCartman: What? No! [turns to unlock the door] We have to take that test, Token! [opens the door and pulls him out]\nScene Description: Running down the hallway\nCartman: Come on! We can still get to class on time! [a flurry of gunshots] Oh, great! Come on, we can do this! [as they run through the hallways, gunshots ring out and gunsmoke fills the air. They pass a stairwell in which some students are huddled. They round a corner and spot a boy at his locker. They run to him] Billy, give me your lunchbox! [Billy hands it over. The window to the computer lab is shattered by gunfire. Butters stays out of the gunfire, too scared to move. Cartman and Token reach him] Butters!\nButters: Wull it's the entire glee club this time!\nCartman: Butters, I have to get to class! The math quiz is starting!\nButters: Oh crap! The math quiz? It's already fourth period?\nCartman: I can't flunk this math quiz, Butters! Cover me!\nButters: Well okay! [slow motion effect as they run through the school] Waaaagh! Waaaaaagh!\nScene Description: The school lobby. Randy continues singing, the adults are all smiles, oblivious to the gunfire around them. Cartman and Token run across the lobby without Butters and take the stairway up to the second floor. They run to class.\nRandy: How long does it last?\nScene Description: an love be measured by the hours in a day\nScene Description: The final rush to class. The glee club is still firing away as Cartman and Token reach the classroom. Cartman rolls forward, jumps up, and opens the door. He and Token go in.\nScene Description: The aftermath. The wounded are being taken to hospitals, just as in the beginning of the episode\nOfficer Stevens: You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.\nSharon: Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, RANDY?!\nStephen: Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.\nSharon: Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!\nStephen: How do you know?\nSharon: I just got my period this morning!\nRandy: You... you got your period?\nSharon: YES!\nRandy: You just got your period this morning?\nSharon: YES!\nRandy: Soooo the past few days, maybe you have been just a liiittle-\nSharon: NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!\nHarriet: I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.\nSharon: That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!\nTownsman: You want everyone to be sad?\nHarriet: Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [her voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [walks away]\nStephen: Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity. [the people disperse]\nRandy: Aw guys, uh she didn't mean it! She just... get, give her a... [sighs, looks at her, turns around and shuffles away]\nScene Description: The classroom. Mrs. Nelson hands out the quiz\nMrs. Nelson: The quiz is multiple-choice, but be sure to show all your work. You'll have 20 minutes to complete your answers. All right, your time starts... now. [Cartman stares at Token, who notices. Token rolls his eyes and positions his test so Cartman can see his work. Token solves his problems first, then Cartman copies]\nCartman: [thinking] Everybody has dirty laundry. All it takes to find it is getting a little dirty yourself. The only question now is, how many Tokens are out there? How many others are afraid to say that Black Panther wasn't all that sweet because of the damage it could do to them?\nCartman: What do you mean?\nCartman: [thinking] I mean, in a school of 200 students, there's already two who are covering up the truth. All Token is doing by letting you cheat off him is keeping the whole thing quiet even longer. [crumples up his test and throws it to the ground, thereby earning another F] There are others out there... and even if it means failing, I'm their only damn hope.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, backyard. Randy is moping on a tree stump. Sharon opens the back door and sees him\nSharon: Randy... [walks up to him] we need to talk.\nRandy: Sure, honey.\nSharon: There's been... too much pain and suffering, and... it has to stop.\nRandy: I know, sweetheart, I know.\nSharon: What I'm trying to say is... I've been very emotional lately, and... maybe... maybe I do overreact sometimes.\nRandy: [raises his arms up as if he's witnessing a revelation] Aaaaah?\nSharon: Maybe I need to realize that my emotions can be hormonal and not just take things out on you.\nRandy: Aaah? Aaaaah?\nSharon: Randy, I'm... sorry.\nRandy: Aaaah. Aaaaaah. [voice shaky] Thank you, Sharon. I don't know what it's like to have periods, but I'll try to be more understanding from now on. [Sharon's cell phone rings, and she pulls it out of her pocket.]\nSharon: Sorry, sorry, one second. [answers it] Hello? Yes. What? Oh my God! Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. [hangs up]\nRandy: What is it?\nSharon: There's been another school shooting. Stan's been shot.\nRandy: Shuh-should we get down there?\nSharon: [Sighs] It's not the end of the world. [smiles]\nRandy: [sighs in relief] Aaaaah. I love you, Sharon. [they hug as he cries on her shoulder]\nScene Description: #cancelsouthpark"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The family exits and goes to the car. Stan's right arm is in a cast and sling from last week's gunshot at the end of the episode.\nRandy: Come on, guys, we don't wanna be late!\nStan: [trailing behind] Do I have to go? It's the only day I get to play games.\nRandy: We're all going. Come on! [the others get in]\nScene Description: On the road. Stan sits behind Randy, Shelley sits behind Sharon\nStan: [upset] ...Don't understand why we have to go to church every Sunday.\nRandy: Church is important, Stan. Way more important than video games and TV. Church is about community and coming together. A lot of things.\nSharon: All I know is that after church I feel better.\nRandy: Yeah. Me too.\nScene Description: The church, day. There's a parking lot across from the Church, and the townsfolk park there for Sunday Mass. There's a crosswalk leading to the Church across the street. The Marshes pull in and say hello to the others\nRandy: Hey, mornin' Stephen, Linda.\nStephen: [chuckling] Morning, guys.\nScene Description: After crossing the street, Randy plays doorman to the other congregants\nTownsman: Aww thanks there, Randy.\nRandy: You got it- hey, where's Josie?\nTownsman: Oh, she slipped her disc in her neck. Poor thing can barely move.\nRandy: Aw, she's gonna miss church? That's too bad. Give her my best. [other congregants move past him as he talks]\nScene Description: The church, interior. The congregants are in. Father Maxi finishes reading from the Gospel of John, chapter 3\nFr. Maxi: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, [adjusts his glasses over his left eye] so that whoever believed in him should have eternal life. This is the Gospel of the Lord.\nCongregants: Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. [all sit]\nFr. Maxi: [begins his sermon] Today's gospel talks about what the Lord has to give us. He did so because we could not control our temptations.\nRandy: Kind of like a priest in a room full of naked boys. [snorts and other people start laughing]\nFr. Maxi: Uh Okay, okay, let's, let's try and have none of that today. In John 3:16, the Gospel tells us how God so loved the world he gave to us his only Son\nStephen: And a Catholic priest raped him. [all laugh]\nFr. Maxi: Okay, okay, Co-come on guys, Nu-now, what greater gift could the Lord has given to us?\nWoman: Children's underwear which priests couldn't pull down so easily? [all laugh]\nFr. Maxi: Okay, let's, let's try to compose ourselves. Let's try and just get through this first one, okay guys? What does it mean that the Lord gave us his only begotten Son?\nTownsman 1: It means that if you're a cute boy at a Catholic priest's swimming party you'd better be gettin'! [The congregants laugh. Randy gets carried and falls on the aisle laughing and pounding his fists on the floor.]\nScene Description: The Church. Mass ends and the congregant's exit.\nRandy: Oh, that was a great one, Nelson. Salvation in a little boy's mouth. I'm gonna post that one for sure.\nWoman 2: Who said the thing about naked boy salad?\nStephen: Oh that was Linda!\nJimbo: Well, see ya next week, everybody! [waves and moves off to his left]\nOthers: Yeah, see ya! See ya! Bye.\nScene Description: The Marsh car, on the way home\nStan: I really don't understand the point of all that.\nRandy: [chuckles] Yeah, well, I used to think that about church when I was a kid too.\nStan: But back then I don't know if church was that stupid.\nRandy: Hey, don't say things like that, Stan! You wanna go to fuckin' Hell?\nScene Description: The Church, sometime later. Father Maxi is blowing out the candles, looking sad. Butters enters quietly through the back. Maxi walks to the front pew and sits down, then sighs. Butters walks up to him\nButters: Father, can I talk to you?\nFr. Maxi: Oh, of course, my child. What's troubling you?\nButters: Well, what's troubling you? [sits down next to Maxi] You know, at school the kids used to all make fun of me sometimes. One kid would say something mean, a-and then the other kids would laugh. I know how lousy it feels. I learned to just walk away, not give 'em all the satisfaction.\nFr. Maxi: Well, we can't all walk away. The-the priesthood is all I know. I, I dedicated my entire life to it. Ah I don't know anything else.\nButters: I know it seems impossible. I thought I'd be a punching bag my whole life, but now, I'm one of the popular kids. I even get invited to board game night at Stan's house. My point is, sometimes, y-you just gotta put yourself out there.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, night. The four boys are seated at a table eating pepperoni pizza and drinking sodas. They're playing a board game called Western Legends. Cartman is wearing a straw hat for the occasion. There's the fifth card and chair waiting for someone to fill it\nCartman: I wanna be Calamity Jane this time.\nStan: How many cards do you start with, Kenny?\nKenny: (Two cards.) [the front door opens and the boys turn to see who it is]\nKyle: Oh, there's Butters!\nButters: [walks in] Oh hey, fellas. I hope you don't mind I brought a friend. Come on in. [steps aside for his friend to appear - it's Fr. Maxi]\nFr. Maxi: Uh, hello, my children. [walks in. The boys just stare at him. Moments later he's seated with them, between Stan and Cartman, and Butters sits next to Kyle.]\nStan: Okay, so I-I guess I'm gonna go to the saloon and try to arrest Cartman.\nCartman: Let's see what you got, bitch.\nButters: So, Kyle, did you know Father is a really good singer? You like to sing too, don't you?\nKyle: No.\nFr. Maxi: Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good. Sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.\nCartman: Ace. You lose. [Stan's jaw drops]\nRandy: [coming down from the second floor] Hey Stan, [Stan sits up] have you seen my- [sees Fr. Maxi at the table, has a stunned look, then smiles] No way! [searches his pockets for his phone] Hang on! Hang on! I gotta post this!\nFr. Maxi: [quickly gets up to leave] Uh, I shouldn't be here.\nRandy: This is hilarious! [takes some pics] Four boys and a priest playing a board game!\nButters: Aw, Father, wait a-\nFr. Maxi: I should go.\nRandy: Nononoait, let me get the picture. [Maxi goes out the front door and disappears]\nButters: Father! [follows Maxi out and closes the door]\nRandy: Aw shit, I missed it!\nCartman: Ugh. [looks at Stan] Why did you invite Butters to game night?\nStan: I didn't invite him. [Cartman looks at Kenny, who just looks back]\nScene Description: On the sidewalk. Maxi looks dejected as he walks away. Butters catches up\nButters: Come on, Father, you can't give up so fast.\nFr. Maxi: This is just gonna make things way worse. People will rip on me.\nButters: Who cares? Who cares what people say?\nFr. Maxi: I do.\nButters: Aw, come on, you gotta be strong!\nFr. Maxi: [turns around] Why do you care?!\nButters: Because I was you. Okay? I wasn't always this cool. I've been through it. But then one day, somebody told me something. He said \"life is full of love and light and bountiful things,\" and you know who told me that? You did! Two years ago, in church! You have a right to go and be happy! And if people wanna keep tryin' to knock you down, well, fuck 'em!\nScene Description: The Church, the following Sunday. The congregants gather again. In the parking lot, The Marshes see Mr. Mackey\nRandy: Hey, mornin' Mackey!\nMr. Mackey: Well Happy Sunday! Mornin' Ted, Hazel.\nTed: Mornin'.\nHazel: Morning.\nOthers: Morning. [all head to church]\nRandy: Ah, doin' better, huh, Josie?\nJosie: A lot better. Thank you.\nRandy: All right. [now at the church doors, tries to open then, no avail] Huh. What the? [realizes that the doors are locked] It's not open.\nRyan: Let me try. [goes up and tries to open the doors]\nRandy: Hey! Hey, it's nine o'clock! Hey!\nWoman: What's going on? [the doors unlock and open, and Butters steps out]\nRandy: [points him out] Ohhh! [the others laugh]\nButters: There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find some'n' better to do! [slams the doors shut and locks them.]\nRandy: Hey... [tries to get them open again] Hey, open the door! Hey, come on! [pulls the doors harder and grunts]\nScene Description: The car, on the way home. No Mass today, so that's it.\nRandy: Well this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?\nSharon: I just feel so empty.\nShelley: What are you guys so upset about?\nRandy: Shut up, Shelley!\nScene Description: A clearing in the woods outside of town, night. Randy and Butters are enjoying a small campfire, with marshmallows roasting on the open fire. They sit on two folding chairs\nButters: Isn't this great, Father? Fresh mountain air, a nice warm fire, a nice warm fire.\nFr. Maxi: I have to admit it's a pretty nice way to spend a Sunday. How many are your works, Lord? In wisdom you made them all.\nButters: Yeah, the Lord is pretty cool.\nFr. Maxi: He is. Because he brought me you.\nScene Description: A song comes on whose only verse is \"Faith In Christ.\" The montage that accompanies it starts with Maxi and Butters walking through the forest. Maxi points to a bird. Maxi and Butters row in a canoe. Butters and Maxi sit on a bench at Stark's pond watching the sunset. They watch a family of ducks floats by. Maxi puts his right arm around Butters, Butters puts his left hand on Maxi's lap. They go to the movies and enjoy some snacks. A couple to their left just stares at them. They're in the park on some swings when the four boys stop by and look at them, then continue walking. They're at the organ in church. Maxi plays some tunes for Butters. Maxi shows Butters some Bible verses on the computer. At the public library, Maxi holds Butters a little closer, Butters puts his left hand over his right shoulder and cups it over Maxi's right hand. A man picks out from his computer nearby and looks at them. In his bedroom, Butters shows Maxi the fun he has in playing Professor Chaos. Back in the woods, at night, Maxi shows Butters a shooting star. Still in the woods, during the day, Butters points out a cloud formation that sort of resembles a dove.\nScene Description: The cathedral in Denver, day. The archbishop sits at his desk writing something down. The phone rings. He answers it.\nArchbishop: Denver archdiocese. The Lord be with you.\nMr. Mackey: [outside the church in South Park] And with your spirit, m'kay? Uh, oh my name is Counselor Mackey, and w-uh we seem to be havin' a little problem with our local church here in South Park. Our uh... our priest has gone missing.\nArchbishop: [mutes the phone and whispers] Oh, not another one! [unmutes the phone] All right, listen to me carefully. Your local priest has not done anything wrong. He's probably just taking some time off. Why is that suspicious?\nMr. Mackey: Well, it's not suspicious, we just kind of don't know what to do, you know? Uh.\nArchbishop: We'll take care of it. There's no need to involve the authorities. Just sit tight. [hangs up and switches to another line] Send in a clean-up crew now! [the doors quickly open and the clean-up crew appears.] We've got another one. A priest on South Park has gone rogue and is probably out doing his thing. I need you guys to get up there and clean up his mess.\nAuxiliary: Don't worry, Your Holiness. By the time we're done with that town there won't be a lick of cum anywhere.\nScene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, day. Happy birthday, Clyde. Kids and adults skate in the center of the building while others sit outside the rink eating. At the birthday gathering, Kyle approaches Clyde and talks to him. Butters appears. Throughout the scene, \"Flash Light\" plays\nButters: Happy birthday, Clyde! [behind him is Fr. Maxi. They both have gifts for Clyde.] Hope you don't mind I brought a friend.\nFr. Maxi: For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works.\nClyde: Dude, what are you talking about?!\nFr. Maxi: Come on, Father. Let's go tear up the skating rink. [they drop their gifts off and head to the rink. Clyde is angered by Fr. Maxi's presence, and Kyle notices.]\nKyle: Just leave it alone, Clyde. Butters brings him everywhere.\nClyde: I don't care, I don't want a priest at my fucking birthday party!\nCartman: [turns to calm Clyde down] It's all right, Clyde, it's all right.\nScene Description: In the rink, Butters tries to get Fr. Maxi to fit in.\nButters: That's it! You're doing great!\nFr. Maxi: Uh-ah. Oh, Mother Mary. I feel like everyone's staring at me. [he's not wrong...]\nButters: Nobody's staring. I'm gonna get us some soda pop. You just mingle with the other fellas![skates off]\nScene Description: Skeeter's wine bar, day. \"A Place To Fall Apart\" plays and the front doors are wide open. Randy and Stuart sit at the bar. Randy drinks some wine, Stuart some beer\nRandy: What's it all about, huh? Are we just bags of carbon and water put on this planet for no purpose? You're born, you die, then you're just... food for the worms.\nStuart: It all does seem pretty meaningless.\nTownsman 2: [appears in the doorway] Hey, the church is back open! There are people inside!\nJimbo: What?\nRandy: The church is back open?\nTownsman 3: Oh boy! Let's go let's go let's go let's go!\nOthers: The church is back open! Thank God! Let's go!\nScene Description: The church, inside. The cleanup crew is there doing its work.\nAuxiliary: Scrub everything! Police can detect even a milligram of cum and rectal blood!\nRandy: [enters with other bar patrons] Hey!\nAuxiliary: Oh uh, hello my children. The Lord be with you.\nTownsmen: And with your spirit.\nRandy: What uh, what are you guys doing?\nAuxiliary: Oh, we're just giving the place a nice scrub down while we wait for your priest to come back. He was called to South America last week.\nRandy: Last week? No, he was at my house a couple of days ago playing board games with the boys.\nAuxiliary: [turns the vacuum cleaner off. His assistants look at Randy] No he wasn't. Look, I assure you everything is fine. Your priest will be back. Just have some patience.\nTownsmen: Awww.\nTownsman 4: Come on, guys. [the townsmen turn around and leave]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Having spoken to Randy, the cleanup crew heads to his house and scrubs it down, They're working on the table.\nAuxiliary: Scrub everything. Bleach those board-game pieces. You find something on that chair?\nPriest: It's either blood and cum, or ketchup and mayo. [the priest is scrubbing down Cartman's chair]\nAuxiliary: Well, just get rid of it. Bleach the entire top of the table. That's probably where he mounted them.\nStan: [comes down the stairs and approaches the crew] Uh, excuse me.\nAuxiliary: [turns to face him] Oh. Hello, my son.\nStan: What are you doing?\nAuxiliary: What are we doing about what?\nStan: Well, I mean, it looks like you're scrubbing and bleaching our tables and chairs.\nAuxiliary: Mmm mmm, that's not what's going on. Your local priest was never here, actually.\nStan: Yeah he was. I played with him.\nAuxiliary: Oh, you did! [whispers loudly to the priest behind him] Better get the Kumby. [the priest walks off]\nStan: What's a Kumby?\nAuxiliary: We're just here to cleanse your spirit, my child.\nPriest: [returns with an odd tool] Praise be to Christ. [the Kumby looks like a portable wet/dry vacuum cleaner worn like a backpack. The priest uses it to wipe Stan down]\nScene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, day. The kids sing \"Happy Birthday\" to Clyde. Clyde blows out the candles. In the background \"More Bounce To The Ounce\" plays\nBoys: Yaaay!\nFr. Maxi: And now let us pray.\nBoys: Awww.\nFr. Maxi: Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts. which we are about to receive.\nClyde: Kyle, will you do something please?!\nFr. Maxi: [quoting Psalm 78:26] He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens...\nKyle: Why me?\nCartman: [gritting his teeth] Kyle!\nFr. Maxi: ...through Christ our Lord. Amen.\nKyle: [walks up to Butters] Uh, Butters, can I talk to you really fast?\nButters: Wow! Sure, Kyle. Be right back, Father. [follows Kyle away]\nFr. Maxi: All right, my child.\nScene Description: A snack room nearby. Kyle waits for Butters there, and Butters walks in\nButters: Huh-what's up?\nKyle: Butters, you know, you can just bring your priest with you everywhere. I mean, sometimes the guys just wanna do stuff and not have a priest around.\nButters: What are you saying, Kyle?\nKyle: I'm saying it's just kind of awkward, Butters. [Fr. Maxi goes to look for these two boys and just happens to walk by the snack room. He stops just short of the doorway and listens] He's bumming everybody out. Nobody wants to hear about Jesus at a birthday party.\nButters: Well, of course, you don't.\nKyle: It's not just me. It's everyone, Butters. He can try all he wants, but he just doesn't belong here. [Maxi's face drops, then he walks away quietly]\nButters: Well I'm sorry for tryin' to help out somebody who didn't have anywhere else to turn. We'll both just leave. I thought you were better than that, Kyle. [walks out]\nScene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, outside. A van arrives carrying the cleanup crew. The song they're listening to is \"Faith In Christ,\" which played earlier. \"It's a Love Thing\" starts as the cleanup crew fans out across the rink\nAuxiliary: All right, clean and scrub everything. I want it spotless! Get any evidence the priest might have left behind.\nAssistant: There's something over here, [tastes the frosting on Clyde's slice of cake] but I can't tell if it's cum or frosting.\nAuxiliary: It's an 8-year-old's birthday party. Of course, it's cum. Get the Kumby!\nPriest: [arrives with the Kumby and wipes Clyde down] Praise be to Christ.\nAuxiliary: [approaches Cartman and wipes him down with a cloth. Cartman panics a bit] Hello, young man. We're looking for your town priest. Was he here?\nCartman: Yeah, but he left with Butters.\nAuxiliary: Tell me about this Butters.\nClyde: All right, that does it! [the priest is now wiping down his back] Get out of my birthday party or else I'm gonna call the police! [the priest turns the Kumby off and stands up]\nScene Description: Twin Pines strip mall, day. Butters wanders the parking lot looking for Fr. Maxi.\nButters: Father! Father? Has anybody seen my priest? Father, where'd you go? [Maxi is sitting by a Dumpster and raises his head when he hears Butters approaching. Butters then sees him] There you are! I've been looking everywhere.\nFr. Maxi: Just leave me alone.\nButters: But you're missin' the party!\nFr. Maxi: Look, your friends are right, okay? I don't belong there. I, I don't belong anywhere. [gets up and walks away]\nButters: [follows Maxi through the parking lot] But, they just don't understand you like I do.\nFr. Maxi: Stop defending me! There are things you don't know!\nButters: But it's not your fault.\nFr. Maxi: Yes it is! It is my fault!\nButters: Why?!\nFr. Maxi: [turns around and faces Butters] Because I knew, all right?! I knew! Years ago, when bad things started coming out about the Catholic Church, I went to the Vatican and ... I found out that the problem was worse than anyone even thought. I thought I could help fix it, so, I kept my mouth shut. I thought there was cancer in the Church that we could get rid of. But the Church is cancer. It's not about a few bad apples. There are only a few good apples, and I'm clearly not one of them. So just stay away from me!\nButters: But... I thought we were pals.\nFr. Maxi: You thought wrong. [turns around and walks away. Butters shrinks a little in worry]\nScene Description: The neighborhood, evening. Butters walks down the street with his head down. A vehicle comes up behind him - it's the cleanup crew's van. The auxiliary bishop looks out the window and gets Butters' attention\nAuxiliary: Hey. Hey there. What's the matter, my child? Did you know that Jesus loves you?\nButters: Sometimes I wonder.\nAuxiliary: \"And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me.\" [Galatians 2:20. He dangles a candy bar in front of Butters.] Want a Three Musketeers?\nButters: ...No thanks.\nAuxiliary: You like camping trips? You wanna go camping?\nButters: No.\nAuxiliary: I got a bunny in the back. You wanna see the bunny?\nButters: [perks up] Well, okay! [the bishop takes him to the back and opens the doors. Butters frowns] Stan?\nStan: I have no idea what's going on.\nClyde: Worst birthday ever! [the priests toss Butters in to join Stan and Clyde, then slam the doors shut]\nScene Description: The Marsh house. Randy watches TV, but doesn't see anything he likes.\nRandy: Boring [click] Dumb. [click] Stupid. [click] Good, but dated in its view of gender norms. [The doorbell rings and he slumps a bit] Wugh. [gets up and answers it. Fr. Maxi is at the door]\nFr. Maxi: Hello, Mr. Marsh.\nRandy: Father! [turns around, dancing] Hey, hey Sharon, it's Father!\nFr. Maxi: M, Mr. Marsh-\nRandy: He's back!\nFr. Maxi: -please.\nRandy: Hey, Father's back!\nFr. Maxi: I'm just going around trying to locate little Butters Stotch. I thought he might be here playing a board game with your son?\nRandy: Oh uh, no. I haven't seen, Butters. Or Stan. But Father, please, we all need church.\nFr. Maxi: I'm sorry, but I have to keep looking. [turns around and leaves] I said some terrible things.\nRandy: Please, Father, we're all lost, and the cleanup crew hasn't helped at all.\nFr. Maxi: [stops and turns around] What cleanup crew?\nScene Description: The forest, night. Stan, Clyde, and Butters have been stripped and tied up, but have enough freedom to roast marshmallows. Wolves and owls are heard. The priests hide behind a bush nearby\nAuxiliary: Any sign of him?\nAssistant: No, but this should draw him out. The cute one says it's where he and the priest first got together.\nAuxiliary: All right, when the priest gets here, we'll take care of him and then eradicate this place of any evidence.\nPriest: Should I bring out the Kumby?\nAuxiliary: No, this is gonna be a bigger job than that. Bring out... the Kumboni. [moments later, the priest drives up in a Kumboni]\nScene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda are sitting on the sofa watching TV. The phone rings and Stephen answers it.\nStephen: Hey Randy, what's up?\nRandy: [driving] Stephen! Stephen, listen! The boys are missing! Fr. Maxi thinks they've been taken by the other priests!\nStephen: [jumps up from the sofa and walks away from it] Taken by priests?? Should we call the police or buy some condoms? [smiles]\nRandy: [laughs] Okay. Okay-okay, that was good. [mood change] But seriously, we have to find these guys! The boys are in danger!\nStephen: But where would priests go this late at night?\nLinda: To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us?\nRandy: What-what'd she say?\nStephen: She said, \"To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us.\"\nRandy: Can, can I post that?\nStephen: Sure, she doesn't care.\nFr. Maxi: [grabs the phone from Randy] Give me that! Mr. Stotch, have you heard from Butters at all?!\nStephen: Well yeah, we got a really weird text from him saying not to worry, he needed to do some camping.\nFr. Maxi: [puts down the phone] Oh my Lord. I know where to go. And when we get there... I'll need to go in alone.\nRandy: Yeah I'll bet. [snickers]\nScene Description: The forest clearing. The assistant looks around\nAssistant: He's not showing up.\nAuxiliary: Try the priest call. [the assistant pulls out a calling device similar to a duck call and blows into it]\nKid's voice: I love Jeeesus! I love Jeeesus!\nAssistant: [turns around] I don't think he's coming.\nAuxiliary: Oh he's coming all right. Just not here. Let's start packing up. You. [points at the priest] Get on the Kumboni and eradicate this place along with everything in it.\nPriest: Yes, your Holiness.\nFr. Maxi: Wait! [arrives at the clearing]\nButters: Father.\nFr. Maxi: You wanted to find me? Well, here I am. I know why you're here. The Church can't have... someone like me going around making it look bad. So go ahead. [turns away] Do it. Just get it over with.\nButters: What?? No!\nAuxiliary: You think we searched all over town and set up this trap to kill you? We're Catholics! We're here to give you what you deserve! A full transfer to the beautiful Maldive Islands. Luxury airfare and beach house included! [theh other two priests applaued]\nFr. Maxi: A transfer?\nAuxiliary: The Church took care of everything, just like it always has from the beginning. \"Thank you for cleaning up all my cum.\"\nFr. Maxi: I can just... go? I can start over in the Maldives?\nAuxiliary: No one will make fun of you there. They can't even speak English. And don't worry, there'll be plenty of priests to take your place here. Look, I know it's a big change, but... you know what you have to do.\nFr. Maxi: Yes, I do. I don't think I have any other choice.\nButters: No. He can't.\nAuxiliary: Well, our work here is done! Praise be to Christ, guys. It certainly was a tough one, but I think we got everything cleaned up and- [the Kumboni starts up and smashes through some trees. Fr. Maxi is driving it right at the priests.] Aaaaugh!\nAssistant: The Kumboni! Aaah! [Maxi mows him down and kills him] Aaaaagh! Aah!\nPriest: Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! [Maxi mows him down and kills him]\nAuxiliary: [Maxi is hot on his trail] No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. [Maxi mows him down, killing him. Moments later, Maxi stops the engine and walks up to the boys]\nButters: Father, you did it!\nFr. Maxi: I'm so sorry, my child. I never meant to say we weren't pals.\nButters: Does that mean you're gonna stay?\nFr. Maxi: Of course. Now I have purpose, and I have meaning. My job here is to protect you. All of you.\nScene Description: The church, Sunday morning. The doors open and Fr. Maxi is back in his robes looking at the congregants\nFr. Maxi: The Lord be with you.\nCongregants: And with your spirit. [they go in]\nScene Description: After the Gospel, Fr. Maxi launches into his sermon\nFr. Maxi: Today I'd like to talk on the subject of penance. The penitent... have deep remorse, but for true penance, we must be humble enough to admit that the Lord's forgiveness is undeserved.\nRandy: Kind of like how getting raped by a Catholic priest is undeserved. [all laugh]\nFr. Maxi: In Job 42:6 we read \"Therefore, I reprehend myself and do penance in dust and ashes\"\nTownsman 1: And in choir boys' butts and asses. [all laugh]\nFr. Maxi: So we are not to punish ourselves, but instead, we are to make ourselves passionate.\nTownsman 5: Like a Catholic priest at a Chuck E. Cheese. [all laugh]\nRandy: Oh God, it's good to have my faith back!\nFr. Maxi: Passionate to understand all that Christ sacrificed, and how hard it truly was.\nWoman 4: How hard what truly was? [all laugh]\nScene Description: #cancelsouthpark"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park, day. The scene starts with South Park Elementary being shot up again, then the Community Center appears as two police cars rush by, then City Hall appears. The city council is in session, Mayor McDaniels presiding\nMayor McDaniels: People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.\nRandy: [after a dramatic pause] My God...\nMayor McDaniels: I've asked the director of the holiday show to stop by so we can all give him the news.\nRyan: He's not going to take this well.\nCouncilwoman: If he doesn't, we should just let him go. God knows it's about time.\nMayor's aide: Hey, a lot of people like him, all right?\nMrs. Testaburger: Yeah, and a lot of people think he stinks.\nMayor McDaniels: Let's just get this over with. [presses down on the intercom key] All right, send him in. [the door opens and Mr. Hankey hops in.]\nMr. Hankey: Hooooowwwdy ho! You wanted to see me? Better hurry. We only have two months before Christmas.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Hankey, we called you in to let you know that... your Christmas Pageant funding has been cut. By half.\nMr. Hankey: What? But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have!\nMayor McDaniels: We just don't have the support for the Christmas show that we used to. The truth is... some people find you offensive.\nMr. Hankey: Offensive? What about me is offensive?\nCouncilwoman: Some people think shit isn't the best representation of Christmas.\nMr. Hankey: Yuh... you people can't do this. Christmas is the most magical time of the year.\nMayor McDaniels: The decision has already been made. Thank you, Mr. Hankey, and good luck with the show.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Another school shooting has occurred and the police are back to investigate. In the music room, the kids practice \"Deck The Halls\". The conductor taps the dais with his baton - it's Mr. Hankey.\nMr. Hankey: Okay, stop. Kids, the song's called \"Deck The Halls,\" not \"Let's All Suck Balls.\" Mow, come on, kids.\nCraig: Why do we have to do this now?\nCartman: Yeah, it's not even Halloween yet.\nMr. Hankey: Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right? Now listen: I didn't want this either. I wanted the Denver Symphony, but they cut my budget and I'm stuck with you. Now let's take it from the top! [taps his baton]\nScene Description: The hallways. PC Principal walks down the main hallway with purpose. He stops at the Vice Principal's office and turns left, steps forward, stops, sighs, then turns the doorknob and peeks in\nPC Principal: Vice Principal Strong Woman?\nStrong Woman: Yes, PC Principal?\nPC Principal: I was seeing if there's anything you... might want to discuss with me?\nStrong Woman: What would we need to discuss?!\nPC Principal: I am- so sorry- that I took advantage of my position and- manipulated you into a physical encounter.\nStrong Woman: Hey! I am a strong woman, all right?! I don't get manipulated! We both are guilty of an ill-advised relationship at the workplace, but that was long ago, and I have decided to move forward.\nPC Principal: Are you sure we can move forward?\nStrong Woman: Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward.\nPC Principal: I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from-\nStrong Woman: Nope! We're just gonna forget about it and put it to rest.\nPC Principal: You don't think there's anything else to dis- to discuss?\nStrong Woman: No, I don't! Bye-bye. [PC Principal backs out and closes the door. Strong Woman lets out a sigh of relief, then stands and goes to a mirror, which reveals tears in her eyes and a big belly. She's pregnant.]\nScene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are pounding on the front door. Kyle answers it but doesn't invite them in.\nStan: Dude, Kyle! Dude!\nCartman: Dude!\nKyle: What?\nStan: Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!\nKyle: What Mr. Hankey... tweeted?\nStan: Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.\nCartman: Look! [Cartman takes out his phone and hands it to Kyle so Kyle can see for hiimself]\nKyle: Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.\nScene Description: Mr. Hankey's room. He's at a sewing machine making a Santa outfit.\nMr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way. He's loaded goodies on his sleigh. He'll drop them off on Christmas Day\nKyle: Mr. Hankey.\nMr. Hankey: Oh, Kyle! Hoowwwwdy ho!\nKyle: Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?\nMr. Hankey: [slowly] Yeah.\nKyle: Did you tweet \"The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music\"?\nMr. Hankey: [more slowly] Yeah.\nKyle: Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!\nMr. Hankey: It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?\nKyle: What do you want me to say?\nMr. Hankey: The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas! [Kyle just looks at him]\nScene Description: The school gymnasium, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman stand on the basketball court facing the student assembly.\nPC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. The vice principal has asked to speak with you today. She believes it is time that we all as a school finally discussed in-vitro fertilization.\nStrong Woman: That's right, kids. Many women today make the choice to have children without a man in their lives. They can have their eggs fertilized by an unknown person's sperm in a lab.\nPC Principal: That's right, Strong Woman. In today's society it is wrong to just assume that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man.\nStrong Woman: [doubles over in pain] Ooohhhhhhh!\nPC Principal: St-students at this school need to be careful because it can be offensive to ask questions like \"Who's the father?\"\nStrong Woman: [doubles over in pain] Oh! Ooohhhhhhh!\nPC Principal: [looks at Strong Woman, then softly] You- you all right, Strong Woman?\nStrong Woman: I'm fine!\nPC Principal: So-so we'd like to have all our students talk to their parents tonight about in-vitro fertilization, and after that, let's just put the whole issue behind us. [Strong Woman stands up and fluid drops to the floor from her belly. Several seconds of stunned silence follows]\nStrong Woman: That's my water breaking. Not a big deal. [more fluid gushes out]\nScene Description: The town square. Mr. Hankey gets the Christmas stage ready\nMr. Hankey: Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Christmas time. Yeah, it's Christmas time .\nMayor McDaniels: [appears to his right with a crowd of citizens] Hankey! [he looks up and notices the crowd] We need to talk about what you tweeted!\nMr. Hankey: Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.\nMayor McDaniels: No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night! [takes her phone out and reads] \"The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists.\"\nMr. Hankey: Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!\nMayor McDaniels: I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.\nMr. Hankey: Fire me? Nonono, please. I-I'm really sorry. [the crowd turns and leaves] No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas? [croops in defeat]\nScene Description: South Park, day. A large sign announcing Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant greats the visitor upon arriving in town. A car speeds out of town\nPC Principal: [in the passenger seat] It's okay. We'll be at the hospital soon. Just keep breathing.\nStrong Woman: [driving, despite her condition] I didn't need your help!\nPC Principal: I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need.\nStrong Woman: Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea! I have worked my whole life to be the strongest woman possible, a person little girls could look up to. If those girls thought I was the type to get knocked up by my boss-\nPC Principal: I certainly do not want to put an pressures on you as a female, but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss.\nStrong Woman: There's nothing to discuss! I made a mistake and I am MOVING FORWARD!\nScene Description: The law offices of Mayer, Schulz, and Tate, day.\nMr. Hankey: My civil rights are under attack. They can't just fire me from the Christmas show! The whole thing is my creation!\nMale Lawyer: Uh, last night you tweeted \"The city council can suck my Mexican dick.\"\nMr. Hankey: It was a joke. Look at me! I don't even have a dick! Get it? [no reaction from the lawyers] Okay, okay, look, I know: it wasn't a good joke. But it really wasn't my fault. The fact is, I went home last night and I was angry. I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien. And then I started tweeting. Ambien messes with my head. You ever take that crap?\nFemale lawyer: You want us to take this up against Ambien? They have the best lawyers in the world.\nMr. Hankey: Well, I thought maybe I could get them in a defecation lawsuit. [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!\nScene Description: J. Prewitt law office, later. Mr. Hankey is seated at the lawyer's desk and speaks to him\nMr. Hankey: And I never ever would have said those things about the city council, but the Ambien makes me kind of blackout.\nMr. Prewitt: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit.\nMr. Hankey: Why not? [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!\nScene Description: Gerald's law office, later. He's talking to Gerald about suing Ambien\nMr. Hankey: And I just thought maybe we could convince the city council to hire me back.\nGerald: Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago that if you defend poop, you get stained. [he is quickly kicked out. This time he just sits on the step and mopes]\nKyle: Mr. Hankey?\nMr. Hankey: Oh, Kyle. [sadly] Howwwdy ho.\nKyle: What are you doing here?\nMr. Hankey: Just tryin' to find some help. There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me. Wait a minute... You! You're the son of a lawyer. You have lawyer blood inside your veins! You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!\nKyle: Me? What can I do?\nMr. Hankey: Please, Kyle. You're the only person left who can help me. You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system!\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Strong Woman and PC Principal have arrived at the hospital\nVoice-over: Paging Dr. Bender.\nDr. Bender: Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.\nPC Principal: That she is.\nDr. Bender: The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. [they stop by the maternity ward and look in] There are her babies, right there.\nPC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro.\nDr. Bender: Yes, cute little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.\nPC Principal: I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.\nDr. Bender: Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. [turns to face him] The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.\nPC Principal: What's that?\nDr. Bender: Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen. Watch this. [walks to the intercom and presses the mic] Three black guys walk into a bar. [the newborns immediately start crying.] It's okay! It's okay! They left! They left! [the babies stop crying]\nPC Principal: Doctor, would it be possible for me to... hold the PC babies?\nDr. Bender: Oh I'm sorry. That's only for the mother and father. Though, according tot he vice principal, the father doesn't even exist. [PC Principal wilts]\nScene Description: The neighborhood playground, day. The boys are shooting hoops without Kyle. Cartman shoots, but it's an air ball\nKyle: [runs up] You guys! Hey guys! I think I figured it out.\nKenny: (What?)\nKyle: How to get Mr. Hankey another chance. [no reaction from the boys] There's by-laws in the city council that community service leaders can't be terminated without a hearing. I need you guys there as character witnesses.\nStan: Nnnope.\nCartman: Not getting that stink on me.\nKyle: He has a right to be heard. He's meant a lot to this town.\nStan: Dude, why do you keep defending him, Kyle?\nCartman: Yeah. You know everyone in town thinks he's a piece of shit.\nKyle: Come on, guys. We can't just turn our backs. How many times has Mr. Hankey been there for us?\nStan: Mmmm. Once, kind of?\nKyle: Look, he messed up, but I don't know if he deserves everything that's coming down on him. I wanna stand by my friend.\nCartman: Mm, let's see how that goes for you in 2018. [the boys turn away and resume playing]\nScene Description: Strong Woman's recovery room, later. PC Principal peeks inside, then goes in and closes the door and walks up to her bed\nPC Principal: Vice Principal?\nStrong Woman: My babies! Where are they?\nPC Principal: Shh it's okay. The babies are fine, resting in the nursery. They're the most... [voice cracking] they're the most PC babies I've ever seen.\nStrong Woman: You shouldn't be here! People will start getting suspicious!\nPC Principal: Look I was the one who abused my position and took advantage of a subordinate-\nStrong Woman: Nobody took advantage of me!\nPC Principal: N-Not took advantage. You know what I'm saying.\nStrong Woman: And I'm a strong woman!\nPC Principal: All I want to do is help. We can say I'm the manny. And if anyone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with gender biases, and they can take it up with me! We can keep the truth about the babies totally hidden. [the door opens and three nurses walk in holding the babies. The parents notice this]\nStrong Woman: Oh yes, that curriculum should be fine for the students. I'll start working on an all-school proposal.\nPC Principal: Oh yes, very good, Vice Principal. See that it is done by back to school night.\nFemale Nurse: A-hall right, Mommy! Your little bundles of joy are here. Oh! And who's this?\nPC Principal: I am the manny. Anyone have a problem with that?\nFemale Nurse: No, not at all.\nMale Nurse: Everything good here? [the babies start crying. He looks around, then at his shirt, which has an image of Speedy Gonzales on it.] Aw! Are these PC babies?\nScene Description: Park County Courthouse, day. The Mr. Hankey Hearing is being televised.\nVoice-over: And now, live from the town courthouse, it's the Hankey Hearing on South Park 13. [inside, Kyle gets his papers ready as the courtroom audience takes its seats]\nMr. Waithouse: Mr. Hankey- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] Fourteen hours ago did you or did you not say \"everyone in South Park is a Goddamend douchebag\"?\nMr. Hankey: Y-es. That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke.\nMr. Waithouse: But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas.\nMr. Hankey: That's what I said: it was a bad attempt.\nMr. Waithouse: What part of the statement was actually-\nMr. Hankey: You wanna hear a good Christmas joke?\nMr. Waithouse: In 2005 you said- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] You said that you had no recollection of a- [Mr. Hankey sniffles]\nMr. Hankey: Sorry, I got the sniffles.\nMr. Waithouse: Mr Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town?\nMr. Hankey: All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas! If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year!\nMr. Waithouse: What did you mean last night when you tweeted, \"The Mayor of South Park is a titless whore\"? [Kyle's jaw drops and his head falls forward on the table]\nMr. Hankey: Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it, I've had enough of this whole fucking sham! Fuck all you and fuck this whole system! It's Christmastime!! [leaves his chair]\nScene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Strong Woman is out of the hospital and shopping with three of the quints\nStrong Woman: It's okay. Shhh. We just need to get some diapers. Shhh.\nElderly Woman: [passing by] Ohhh, what adorable little babies.\nStrong Woman: Thank you.\nElderly Woman: [getting a closer look] My, they look very PC.\nStrong Woman: Oh no, no, they're not very PC at all.\nMan with Orange Shirt: Awww, look at the PC babies!\nStrong Woman: They actually aren't PC.\nMan with Orange Shirt: No? [bends down and tells the babies] Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. [the babies cry, the adults laugh]\nStrong Woman: Oh God, shhhh, nonononono. Sheee.\nPC Principal: [arrives with the other two infants] Is everything all right?\nMan with Orange Shirt: Oh Look! More PC babies!\nWoman 1: They're everywhere!\nStrong Woman: I told you we need to shop separately! Sh! Shhh!\nMan 2: [stops by] Excuse me, where's the Oriental food aisle? [the babies cry harder]\nMan with Orange Shirt: Shhh! Quiet! There's PC babies!\nScene Description: Denny's, day. Kyle is at a booth with Mr. Hankey.\nMr. Hankey: Gee whiz. Thanks for comin' out with me, Kyle. [a waiter walks by behind them and stares at Mr. Hankey] These days, it's like you're my only friend. [Kyle looks up and notices some boys looking at him. Next shot shows Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token at a window booth looking back at Kyle and Mr. Hankey. Kyle looks dismayed] So what's the plan, huh? What you got figured out to get my job back?\nKyle: I had a plan. You decided to call the Mayor a titless whore!\nMr. Hankey: [laughs it off] Oh, it was a joke, Kyle. Sometimes, when I take Ambien, I'm really groggy and moody the next day. It's a real side effect. It's printed right on the bottle.\nKyle: [growls] I don't know how much longer I can defend you. People are starting to think I'm shitty.\nMr. Hankey: Kyle, don't you understand this whole thing is a smear campaign? Why are people focusing on a few stupid words I said when Christmas is just around the corner?! It's like everyone's forgot about what Christmas means! [brightens up and gasps] Oh my God! Kyle, that's it! The holiday spirit!\nKyle: It's October!\nMr. Hankey: And that's the point! Don't you see? What we need to do is get everyone in the Christmas mood! We can bring the whole spirit of the holidays early!\nKyle: [looks away] Okay, you do that.\nMr. Hankey: Nonono. Kyle, you gotta help me! I can't do this alone!\nKyle: I have homework and stuff!\nMr. Hankey: You're all I have! Even my wife left with the Nuggets 'cause of all the pressure! Please!\nKyle: Okay, fine! I'll help you. But listen to me: I don't care how restless you get tonight, NO AMBIEN!\nMr. Hankey: Well, maybe just a little if I really can't sleep.\nKyle: No! None! If you want my help this time, you aren't taking any Ambien tonight. That's the deal!\nMr. Hankey: Yay! It's a deal! Oh boy, Kyle, I'm so excited! We're gonna bring the spirit of Christmas to South Park!\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman take the quints out for a stroll\nJogger: Oho, look at the little PC babies!\nPC Principal: Oh, no, we're from uh, Missouri.\nJogger: I know a PC baby when I see one! [to the babies, cooing] Who loves social justice? Who's the future? Who's the big bad future? Yes they are. [one of the quints giggles]\nWoman 2: Ohh, PC babies!\nPC Principal: All right, please move along, folks. We don't want the babies to get excited. [a synthesizer begins to play, and everyone within earshot of it stops to listen]\nMr. Hankey: Helloooo South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! [Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Token exit the Halloween Outlet store with their cosumes] Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime! [fireworks go off as citizens gather at the town square]\nAll: Oohhhhh!\nMr. Hankey: Deck the halls and trim the trees, Christmas time is here. Gonna sing and flush our worries away. It's the best time of the year That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays? [all cheer] Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers and- [the PC babies begin to cry] Let's not forget that, that boys and girls all over the world are\nMan 3: Hey! Hey, careful! You're upsetting the PC babies!\nMr. Hankey: The PC what-Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men! [the crying continues] All right, all right look, what, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and- [getting exasperated] What?! What are they crying about now?!\nMan 4: Sometimes PC babies don't even know what they're crying about.\nMr. Hankey: Well, then tell the babies to shut the fuck up! [the crowd turns on him] Who the fuck brings a Goddamned baby to a Christmas show, anyway?!\nKyle: [leaps away from the keyboard and grabs Mr. Hankey] Mr. Hankey, stop!\nMr. Hankey: Lemme go, Kyle! These people are idiots! [proceeds to beat up Kyle and wreck the stage. The crowd disperses]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. Kyle walks down the street battered from the beatdown Mr. Hankey gave him\nGirl: Mommy, something stinks. [they stop to look at Kyle]\nMother: Yeah, like shit. [takes her daughter's hand and moves on. A shopkeeper shuts his door as Kyle walks by]\nMan 5: [drives by and honks] You stand up for all pieces of crap?! Asshole!\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, moments later. Kyle walks by with his head down. His friends stop playing to look at him. He looks back\nCartman: Uh huh! 2018. [they turn and walk away as Kyle moves on. Further on, he sees Mr. Hankey and stops]\nMr. Hankey: Kyle, listen. It was 3 a.m. last night and I still hadn't slept, so I de- [Kyle ignores him and walks on] Kyle? Kyle, please! They're gonna run me out of town, Kyle! They're going to erase me and everything I ever did.\nKyle: [turns around] You want them to erase me, too?\nMr. Hankey: Kyle, we can all be shitty sometimes.\nKyle: Uh... [sighs a few times, then turns away with nothing to say and walks off]\nScene Description: Strong Woman's office, night. The babies are put to sleep\nPC Principal: They're so strong, like their mother.\nStrong Woman: They're so PC, like... whoever their father is. [PC looks at her] We'll never keep them quiet. Our only hope is to keep them hidden. [closes the office door]\nPC Principal: Can they ever know that I'm their dad?\nStrong Woman: We did the most un-PC thing imaginable. Think about what that would do to them. We can never let them know the debaucherous, sickening circumstances that brought them into this world.\nPC Principal: Then I'll just try to be the best principal to them that I possibly can.\nStrong Woman: And I'll be their strongest vice principal, and hopefully... the world will calm down and not do anything to upset them.\nScene Description: South Park news.\nNewscaster: Today... South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure... is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop. [next scene is Mr. Hankey walking out of town as the residents look on]\nMr. Hankey: Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.\nMayor McDaniels: No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.\nMr. Hankey: A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.\nMayor McDaniels: [opens the back door for him, then firmly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey. [he hops in and she closes the door. The car pulls away and Mr. Hankey looks out the window and sees the town for one last time with a sad look on his face]\nStan: Where will he go?\nRandy: He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.\nScene Description: Springfield, day. Mr. Hankey hops into the town square, which is filled with Springfield residents, including the Simpsons\nMr. Hankey: Hoowwwwdy ho!\nBart: Cool man, talking crap.\nApu: Welcome, my friend. Please, rest your weary feet and make yourself at home here.\nAll: Hooray!\nScene Description: #cancelthesimpsons"}
{"text": "Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Another day, another shooting. Mr. Mackey sits in his office talking to the Marshes. Shelly has her arms crossed and looks away.\nMr. Mackey: Allright, thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay?\nRandy: Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelly in, Mr. Mackey?\nMr. Mackey: Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess, and uh, your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture. Of her butthole. M'kay?\nRandy: Her butthole?? [to Shelly] Shelly! [back to Mackey] Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?!\nMr. Mackey: We've been havin' a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately and, uh, they bribe the recess monitor however they can.\nRandy: Jesus Christ, how much worse can things get around here?!\nMr. Mackey: Uhkay, let- uh, the, there is good news, m'kay? We had the picture analyzed and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay [holds up a real-life picture of a dog's butthole], that your daughter claimed was hers. M'kay, there it is, a little fur right there. [smiles]\nScene Description: The ride home. Randy is at the wheel. Nelson is in the car behind him, and there's a third car behind them.\nRandy: Seriously?! Dog's butthole?! That's what we're doin' now, huh?! There's not enough bad things in the world, we get called into school, \"Here's a dog's butthole for ya.\" That's what it's all come to, Shelly?! [they stop at a red light] I'm over it, Sharon. [a long guitar intro begins to play] I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times?\nSharon: What do you mean?\nRandy: I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.\nSharon: Are you being serious?\nRandy: Never been more serious.\nNelson: [honks his horn] Hey, the light's green!\nRandy: [looks out the window] Shut up, Nelson! [turns to Sharon] Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and 'tegridy.\nSharon: How will we make a living?\nRandy: By growing things and, and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.\nScene Description: As the following song plays, the following occurs onscreen: Randy sells the house and the family drives away. The family arrives at its new farm. The camera pans to show the countryside. Randy starts harvesting the hemp that's already there. Next, he sifts out the hemp from the leaves, then he's printing out \"100% Hemp\" shirts, then showing the hemp to his family. Next, he's harvesting more hemp, watering the crop, and getting hemp milk out of some hemp. He makes some hemp cookies for the family. Later he's drying stalks of marijuana plants in the barn. Next, he seeds the field with marijuana seeds, then growing some hemp in a greenhouse. Later, he spritzes water on some leaves, then he writes up a list of nouns and adjectives on a chalkboard outside. Next, the camera pans to the left showing some farm names: Golden Mary's Kush Farm, John & Judy Cannabis Acres, High Valley Marijuana Farms (Organic), and then Randy's farm, Tegrity Farms\nRandy: [slow start] This ol' world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no 'tegridy. So I loaded up the kids, took my wife by the arm, [switches to fast tempo with a band joining in] and I moved on out to a Colorado farm. Now it's early to bed, early to rise. The crops are plowed and it's no surprise City folks are fightin' and I don't give a darn (darn, darn) 'Cause I make my livin' on a Colorado farm. I gotta drive the tractor, gotta cut the grass Chut-chut goes the baler like it's never gonna last There's food in the kitchen and there's bud in the barn. (barn, barn) That's life livin' on a Colorado farm. Ice-cold beer, pickup truck. Country music, listin' shit. We got tegridy to keep us warm. That's what you get on a Colorado farm. And I'm gonna stay on a Colorado farm.</i.> Shiiit.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The four boys walk down the hallway\nKyle: [to Stan] So just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?\nStan: Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.\nKyle: Why would your sister wanna get addicted to those things?\nCartman: Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.\nKyle: What are you talking about?\nCartman: You didn't know? The Kindergartners are like the biggest vapers at this school.\nScene Description: The sandlot, day. The kindergartners have their own little piece of heaven on the school playground. Five of them are in there, two of them on the sand, three others seated on a bench on the edge of the sandlot. Ike sits between the other two and blows some smoke. He then tries to hide the vaping pen when Kyle calls out to him.\nBoy: [with bulldozer] Vroom, vroom. I am a truck!\nJenny: [with an action figure and a sand castle] Watch out for the monster.\nKyle: Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?!\nIke: [trying to hold in the smoke] Nope. [accidentally blows some more smoke]\nKyle: Dude! Gimme that! [takes it from Ike and walks back to his group]\nIke: Hey, gimme back my vaporizer! [gets up and stands between Jenny and the other boy]\nKyle: What is this? [reads the label] Cherry-flavored nicotine. [turns around] Are you joking?!\nIke: Oh, come on! All the kids are doing it.\nJenny: [whips out her vaporizer] Yeah, I like lemon flavor.\nBoy: [whips out his vaporizer] I like raspberry.\nKyle: Why do you want nicotine?!\nJenny: Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes.\nKyle: These things are bad for you! Do you understand?! Bad kindergartners!\nQuaid: [approaches Kyle as Ike steps aside] Relax, bitch. [inhales his vaping pen] Try some gummy bear surprise. [blows some of it in Kyle's face, making Kyle cough]\nStan: [takes the vaporizer from Kyle] All right, where'd you guys get these?!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is on his tractor growing through his crop. He stops and removes his hat for a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead. He takes a swig of his Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then notices a neighboring farmer\nRandy: Mornin' Joe? How's the farmin'?\nJoe: Doin' good, neighbor! Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush. Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week.\nRandy: Well that's fine, Joe, just fine. I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself. And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well. [turns the engine back on]\nJoe: Well, see ya 'round, neighbor!\nRandy: So long, Joe! [he moves the tractor forward and then turns to the left]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, recess. An overhead view of the entire school is shown as the bell rings and the kids enjoy their free time. Next, the boys walk through the playground in search of someone.\nStan: Kindergartners said it's some big kid in a trench coat. [notices a kid on a snow drift] Hey look! [a shot of the boy looking towards the parking lot and standing in the sun, so they can't make out who it is]\nKyle: That's gotta be him.\nStan: What are you gonna do?\nKyle: I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! [marches towards the boy. The other follow] HEY YOU! [the boy turns around and steps off the drift. It's...]\nButters: Oh, hey fellas!\nStan: [surprised] Butters?\nButters: What are you guys doing?\nKyle: Butters, are you selling vapes?\nButters: Well, sure! Whatcha lookin' for? [opens his overcoat. Inside, there are labels and packets for grape, orange, tropical passion, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors taped across his shirt and coat.] I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion...\nKyle: WHAT?!\nButters: Tropical passion. It's like mango and kiwi.\nStan: Butters, do you understand this stuff is an epidemic in our school?!\nButters: Yeah, and at five bucks a pop, we're gonna be rich!\nCartman: [steps forward] Butters, this is for Kyle. [punches him hard in the face]\nButters: Oof. [falls to one side and his vape pens fall out of his jacket]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, the living room. Randy puts a pot plant on a small table. Shannon is standing near the couch with her arms crossed\nSharon: Randy, I think we need to have a talk.\nRandy: [adjusts the placement of the plant] No time to talk, the agricultural inspector's about to drop by. Once we get certified from him, we can start sellin' like a real farm. [approaches Sharon] Have patience, wife. Soon our fortunes will change. [someone knocks on the door] Oh, that must be him now! [goes to answer it]\nTowelie: Yes, I'm with the State testin' board? Is this uh,... [checks his notepad] Tegridy Farms?\nRandy: Name is right there on the sign. Come on back!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, shed. Towelie has set up his equipment and is ready to evaluate. Randy and Shannon stand nearby and observer.\nTowelie: [making some minor adjustments to the machine] So with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup. [inhales from the machine. Readings are 43:4, 23:8. His eyes eventually become bloodshot] Yep. That's good shit. Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend. [inhales again. Readings are 59:4, 55:2. Skeptically, Sharon folds her arms] Yep. That's good shit. [exhales and writes on his notepad. Shannon walks away unimpressed.]\nRandy: Now, what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud?\nTowelie: Let's test it out. [samples it, breathing deeply. Readings are 42:0, 76:2] Whoa.\nRandy: Yeah?\nTowelie: Whoa.\nRandy: Yeeahh?!\nTowelie: I don't know what Tegridy is, but... that is some good shit!\nRandy: [jumps up in excitement] All right!\nScene Description: South Park elementary, boys room. Cartman is in the stall taking a crap. He's typing something into his phone while singing the Subway $5 Footlong jingle.\nCartman: Five, $5, $5 footlong.\nScene Description: Eric stops sining, as the sound of the boys room door is slammed open. Suddenly, the stall door is kicked open by an angry Butters, who now has a black eye.\nCartman: [surprised] Butters!\nButters: [yelling] Why'd you punch me, Eric?!\nCartman: I had to!\nButters: I thought we were partners!\nCartman: Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says \"Are you selling vape stuff,\" you say \"No, I am not, Kyle.\"\nButters: You punched me in the face!\nCartman: Butters. we have to be extra-cautious right now, or else we're - hang on, hang on - [strains to poop] Hang on. Hang on. [a nugget manages to drop] Ahhh! [gets off the seat] Okay, we have to be extra-cautious, Butters. The whole operation is in a period of transition. [pulls his pants up and flushes the toilet.]\nButters: Well what's that supposed to mean?!\nCartman: [exits the stall] In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind. We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead. The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Butters. The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you. [as they walk to the restroom door, they pass by Kyle and don't notice he's there by the sink] We can't start getting sloppy now. Do you understand?\nButters: Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face-\nCartman: Everything will make sense, Butters. I told you. [shows him out] Just stick with the plan, okay? [closes the door. Kyle is about to come up behind him and say something, but Cartman quickly acknowledges Kyle] Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? [Kyle is left dumbfounded]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The family is seated at table for the meal.\nRandy: [serving the meal and talking with a southern accent] All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! [gives bowls to Shelley and Stan] We've got some hemp milk here, hemp oil and vinegar bruschetta, some hemp-seed tabouli. And guess what the napkins are made from? [a car horn sounds outside] Oh, wonder who that could be? [gets up to check. The driver gets out of his car and approaches the farmhouse.] Howdy. What can I do ya for?\nVape Rep: Is this Teh-gridy Farms?\nRandy: Yeah, name's right there on the sign.\nVape Rep: Our company is interested in your product. We'd like to do some business with you.\nRandy: Really? Hey, that'd be great. What kind of company- [stops himself when he notices the man vaping]\nVape Rep: We're one of the top vape companies in the state. We'd like to add your product to our line.\nRandy: [chuckles] Oh no, sorry. I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those pussy sticks.\nVape Rep: Pussy sticks?\nRandy: Yeah, you know. Penis pens, wussy vape, lady joints. Not on my farm, no sirree.\nVape Rep: You got a problem with vaping? It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking!\nRandy: That's nice. Now how's about you take that pussy stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowin' mist out your butthole?\nVape Rep: All right. [leaves. Before getting in his car, turns around and says] You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it.\nRandy: [drops his southern accent] Yeah, whatever. All you're doin' is blowin' smoke - Sorry, \"fruity steam.\" Pussy.\nVape Rep: What happened to your accent?\nRandy: Go vape some more, ya fuckin' puss!\nVape Rep: [goes to the driver-side door] You'll be sorry! [gets in and backs out]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day, main office. A new receptionist, Ms Blaze, is on the job and is reading Us Magazine . Kyle walks in and talks to her.\nKyle: I need to speak with the principal.\nMs. Blaze: Okay, what is it regarding?\nKyle: I'd rather just talk to him.\nMs. Blaze: Right through there. You're second in line. [Kyle walks further in and sees Butters and Cartman seated, waiting to see PC Principal as well. They are reading \"General American\" and \"South Park Super School News\" and lower their papers as Kyle approaches.]\nCartman: Oh, hey Kyle.\nButters: Hi, Kyle!\nCartman: What are you up to?\nKyle: You know what I'm up to! [walks up to the principal's door.]\nCartman: [hops off the chair and stops him] Okay, cool, but come check this out. This is really cool.\nKyle: Don't touch me!\nCartman: Just come- no, just come see. [takes him by the hand and takes him away. Butters follows them]\nKyle: Don't- touch me!\nCartman: This is really cool. [the three of them leave the office and stand in the hallway] You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax. And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you.\nKyle: You're selling it to kindergartners!\nCartman: Kindergartners need a break too, Kyle!\nButters: You know they took away their nap time.\nKyle: You're such penises!\nCartman: Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? [Kyle folds his arms and is no longer listening.] Would you rather they drank? That's not good! [Kyle turns to go back into the office] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! [he and Butters stop Kyle and turn him around] Just please listen, all right? The truth is... we want out. Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money, but you gotta pay off the 6th graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way. We're in deep, Kyle. Just let us see enough to get out of debt, and we will stop. I swear it.\nKyle: You're so full of shit.\nCartman: Come on, Kyle, we all make mistakes. Did you already forget last week? You know... Ronan Farrow was here asking about you.\nKyle: Ronan Farrow? No he wasn't.\nCartman: Yes, Kyle! He was right over there! Just please, [Kyle looks over his shoulder to where Cartman said Farrow was] give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this. and we will stop. You have my word.\nKyle: Fine. But no more pushing it on little kids! You got that?!\nCartman: Okay, I'll focus my marketing on another direction. Thank you, Kyle. [He and Butters leave, and Kyle looks over to that spot again.]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is back on the tractor. He stops when he sees the vape rep at Joe's house across the path. The rep hands Joe a check, then turns around and takes a vape as Joe just holds the check. Randy gets off the tractor and walks over to Joe's house just as Joe and his wife are packing up to leave the area.\nRandy: Whatcha doin', Joe?\nJoe: Oh, hey Randy. We uh, we sold the farm.\nRandy: Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with pussy sticks take over everythin'?!\nJoe: Yeah. They paid us great. My wife and I are gonna move to Maui!\nRandy: Oh. I hope you didn't pack your tegridy, 'cause clearly,[puts a marijuana leaf steam into his mouth] your tegridy ain't goin'. [turns and walks back to his house. He opens the door and walks inside. He notices something crumpled at a corner of the living room] Are you still here?!\nTowelie: [completely stoned and surrounded by some marijuana leaves] Ah I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders.\nRandy: Agh! [walks off]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria. The students are eating lunch. The main five are seated with Token, Clyde, and Craig.\nCartman: [yawns loudly] Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school?\nButters: Yeah, I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Somethin' fresh and fruity to go with my lunch!\nKyle: Just stop. It's so obvious what you guys are doing.\nCartman: [pressing forward] It sounds so great right now! [cups his hands to form a megaphone] Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [the sound of a wall crumbling in heard. Soon, a wall does crumble and a Vaping Man appears]\nVaping Man: Oh yeah!\nCartman: [quickly stands by the VM] Hey guys! It's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man?\nVaping Man: I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist.\nCartman: Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you. Vaping's only for cool kids.\nKyle: [quickly comes up to Cartman and talks quietly] Can I talk to you for a second?\nCartman: Sure, Kyle. What is this about?\nKyle: Can I talk to you over here?\nCartman: Well of course. [they walk far enough away so they're out of earshot of Vaping Man]\nKyle: [yelling] What did I say about pushing it on little kids?!\nCartman: How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle?\nKyle: Fun, fruity Vaping Man?!\nCartman: It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer. How else are we supposed to do it?\nKyle: All right, how much do you owe the dealer?\nCartman: Why?\nKyle: How much?!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. An angry Stan is churning hemp milk in a copper kettle to make hemp cheese while Randy pours in the milk\nRandy: Isn't this great, Stan? Livin' off the land? [walks to the table and picks up a plate with marijuana leaves]\nStan: No, it sucks. I hate this. I wanna go back home.\nRandy: Well you see that? We're talkin' now. [adds some leaves into the mix] When was the last time we really talked like this?\nStan: I hate you so much.\nRandy: Ithink we're havin' a breakthrough moment. I want to give you somethin', son. Somethin' I made that I want you to have. [goes to get it and brings it back] It's a hemp hat.\nStan: No.\nRandy: Come on, let's just see how it fits.\nStan: Pleaes, no.\nRandy: Here, just-just look. Just try it. [takes off Stan's cap and puts the hemp hat on him. When the hat goes on Stan's head, \"Two Princes\" by Spin Doctors starts to plays.]\nSpin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you That's -\nScene Description: Randy removes the hat from Stan's head and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song starts up from the beginning, causing Stan to now look annoyed.\nSpin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you\nRandy: Whoa.[he removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes, causing him to grin in amusement]\nSpin Doctors: That's what I said now. Princes -\nScene Description: Big Vape vaping bar and store. The place is crowded with young progressive people and filled with vape smoke. A big vape dealer is at the counter buying some vaping products.\nClerk: There you go, and thanks for shoppin' at Big Vape. [the vape dealer looks around and then leaves. The clerk buzzes him out.]\nCartman: [on the sidewalk with Kyle and Butters, across the parking lot from the store] That's him. That's my guy.\nVape Dealer: There you are. You got my money?\nCartman: [subdued] Kyle? [motions for Kyle to talk to the vape dealer]\nKyle: Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you. [Cartman and Butters back off]\nVape Dealer: Who are you? [Butters and Cartman leave]\nKyle: I'm just seeing if I can help settle things. You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school.\nVape Dealer: Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? [Cartman and Butters return with a body bag with a body in it without the others noticing it.]\nKyle: Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays. Can we call this even and end it?\nVape Dealer: Aw, come on, man. I don't wanna take your birthday money. [Butters turns and walks away]\nCartman: Whoa, hey dude! Why is there a dead hooker next to you?\nKyle: What?\nVape Dealer: What?\nCartman: Dude, that is a dead hooker. What are you doing with it?! I'm calling the cops! [whips out his phone.]\nVape Dealer: You just put that dead hooker there.\nKyle: Cartman, what are you doing??\nCartman: [into the phone] There's a dead hooker at the vape store!\nButters: [returns with a crowbar and swings it into the vape dealer's kneecap] There! [runs away with the crow bar]\nVape Dealer: [falls over in pain] Ow!\nKyle: Oh shit!\nCartman: Get the vaporizers, and the cash! Get the cash, Kyle!\nKyle: Wha-what? What are you doing??\nCartman: Just get the- Oh shit! Ronan Farrow!\nKyle: WHAT?!\nCartman: Get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We've gotta get out of here! [he and Kyle get everything and split]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, kitchen. The Marshes are at table, and Randy has his hands clasped in prayer, ready to say grace, while the rest of the family is mad\nRandy: Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm, and may we always keep our tegridy. Amen. [digs into his bowl first] So, how was everyone's day?\nSharon: Uh, well, not great. Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen.\nRandy: [drops his bowl onto the table and raises his voice, losing his southern accent again] With a WHAT?!\nSharon: You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist?\nRandy: Stan had a vape pen?! [to Stan] You had a fucking vaping-?! Get up to your room right now! [Stan gets off his chair and leaves. Randy leans in towards Sharon] Way to underreact, Sharon! [leaves the table and walks to Stan's room]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, Stan's room. Stan sits on his bed while Randy walks in and slams the door shut. He then walks up to the bed.\nRandy: [holding a vape pen in his hand] Where did you get this?!\nStan: It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.\nRandy: Yeah, right! My own son using a pussy stick! [brings up his southern accent again] Don't you know what these things are doin' to our way of life?! I've had enough!\nStan: What are you gonna do?\nRandy: You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us! [walks out and slams the door shut]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's house, day. Kyle knocks at his door.\nMr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hello, Kyle.\nKyle: Mr. Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school.\nMr. Mackey: M'okay, like what?\nCartman: [on the sofa, leans forward] Oh, hi Kyle.\nButters: [on the other sofa, leans to his right into view] Hey Kyle! [Kyle is rendered speechless. Cartman and Butters go to the door and stand on either side of Mr. Mackey.]\nCartman: We were just talking to the counselor about some college opportunities. What are you doing here?\nKyle: You know what I'm doing here!\nCartman: Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle.\nKyle: NO. Mr. Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school\nCartman: Kyle, things have changed. You need to listen.\nKyle: Things are getting out of control-\nCartman: Kyle, listen! You want to hear this!\nKyle: -and you need to know what's going on!\nCartman: You need to hear this!\nKyle: What?!\nCartman: We'lll be right back, Mr. Mackey. [takes Kyle by the hand and leaves with Butters and Kyle]\nMr. Mackey: Huh okay. [closes the door]\nScene Description: On the sidewalk between two houses\nKyle: Let go of me! [Cartman lets go]\nCartman: Kyle, listen. It's bad.\nKyle: What's bad?!\nCartman: The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop. He was the one the sixth graders got their shit from. The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle! We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy.\nKyle: You guys decided to beat up the dealer!\nCartman: Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there!\nKyle: How?!\nButters: 'Cause Eric told them!\nKyle: We are all in this together, Kyle! We gotta rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us.\nButters: Please, Kyle! We still gotta pay people off!\nVaping Man: [breaks through the wooden fence behind the boys] Oh yeah! Hey bitches! Where's my motherfuckin' money?!\nButters: Run!\nCartman: Aah!\nKyle: Aah!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out plays. Randy checks himself out on the mirror in the barn. He puts on the farm's logo shirt. He gets some hemp tape and wraps it around his hands, takes a swig of Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then gets into a fighting stance. He then puts on the hat he made for Stan and \"Two Princes\" plays again. He leaves the house ready to fight, and Sharon follows him out. She puts her fists on her hips\nRobert Tepper: We're not indestructible Baby, better get that straight. I think that its unbelievable How you give in to the hands of fate -\nSpin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you That's what I said now\nSharon: Randy, where are you going?\nRandy: [turns around] Gonna go fight for my children's future. [walks away]\nScene Description: Big Vape, night. Loud rock music can be heard outside the building. Randy drives up to it on his tractor and turns the engine off. Randy barges in, and the music and chatter stop\nRandy: All right, you bunch of vape-smoking' pussies! You try and take my way of life?! Time to show you some tegridy! [\"No Way Out\" begins to play]\nPatron: Tegridy? What's tegridy? [Randy begins punching his way through the shop as \"Two Princes\" plays again and then mixes in with \"No Easy Way Out\". \"Hyeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Owie!\"]\nSpin Doctors/Robert Tepper: That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two - There's no shortcut home That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two - Givin' in can't be wrong That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out\nRandy: [punches through a man] Get your stupid mist out of my fucking face!\nBodybuilder: Hey! I like to vape. You think I'm a pussy?\nRandy: Yup! [takes him down in two blows]\nBodybuilder: Ow! [Randy goes upstairs]\nScene Description: Big Vape attic. The boys are walking among the tanks used for storing the vapors. They stop at one and begin to siphon off the liquid from the tank into a five-gallon jug\nButters: Wow! You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle!\nKyle: Just shut up and keep pumping!\nVape Rep: What are you kids doing?\nKyle: Awww, shit!\nVape Rep: You little hoodlums break in through the window?! I oughtta break your little legs!\nRandy: [appears behind him] I don't think so!\nKyle: Mr. Marsh!\nRandy: Just what the Sam Hell you boys doin' here?!\nKyle: All right, listen. I should have talked to an adult from the beginning.\nCartman: Kyle, what are you doing?\nKyle: There are these three vaping syndicates at our school-\nCartman: Kyle?\nKyle: -and these guys are one of them.\nCartman: Nononononono.\nKyle: They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids.\nCartman: Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow. [takes out his phone and pretends to talk to Farrow]\nKyle: The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground.\nCartman: Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey.\nKyle: I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop.\nCartman: So you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him.\nRandy: It's good you came clean, son. It shows that you've got- [the vape rep punches Randy across the face, then continues punching him]\nVape Rep: Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress?!\nRandy: Yeah. She taught me somethin' else too! If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel.\nTowelie: Vape on this, bitch! [jumps off Randy and wraps himself tightly around the vape rep's head. The vape rep's screams are muffled.]\nRandy: Yeah! [punches the vape rep across the attic] Take that, stupid vaping! [delivers a knee to the vape rep, sending him into the Tropical Passion tank, making it hiss and squeak. Randy opens the valve, and does the same to the other tanks, sending them all into high pressure.] Move it boys! Come on, go go go! [follows them out the door, but stops first and turns around. He rolls a joint and smokes it, then tosses it into the vape mist. The tanks explode one by one, making the patrons run outside and away from the shop. The explosions eventually blow out the windows. Randy and the boys are the last to leave, so they turn around and watch the destruction.]\nButters: Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas?\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, sunrise. A guitar starts to slowly play in the background, while Randy drives his tractor with Stan and Towelie riding along.\nRandy: It's in you. It's in me. A little somethin' called tegridy.\nRandy: [turns off the tractor and stands up] Well, shit. Looks like we made it to another sunrise.\nStan: Oh God, this is just gonna get worse, isn't it?\nRandy: Yup son. I think the fight's just startin'. Farmers like us are under attack.\nTowelie: Yupper. We got a lot of work to do. We can't let 'em take what makes us special.\nScene Description: A jar of Tegridy Farms marijuana appears at the center of the screen as a voice-over begins to speak\nVoice-over: Tegridy Weed, from Tegridy Farms. Made... with a little Colorado tegridy. Comin' soon to a dispensary near you."}
{"text": "Scene Description: An October afternoon in South Park. An adult narrates this story. We learn quickly that it is Kenny narrating.\nAdult Kenny: October was always my favorite month. [Stan and Kyle toss a football to each other. Two boys run past them with a kite] It was always that misty season when everyone embraced the weird and scary. [people are shown decorating their houses for the day.] Our little town was no different. [Stephen and Linda decorate their home for Halloween] I was just a kid back then. [Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch is shown, with kids purchasing their own pumpkins] Me and all the other children were preparing for the greatest night of the year. [Mr. Mackey walks out with a couple of trash bags] But this Halloween was different, and it would change us all... forever.\nMr. Mackey: Whoa! [trips over something and falls down] What the? [the something is an electric scooter someone left in front of his house. He stands up with his bags] Alright, who left their scooter here?! Okay?! Whose damn scooter is this?!\nNeighbor: [across the street] It isn't anybody's. They're e-scooters. Anyone can use them.\nMackey: E-scooters?\nNeighbor: Yeah, see? There's a bunch here and a bunch more down there. [points to his right, Mackey's left. Mackey looks and sees them on both sides of the street, standing on the sidewalk. Another neighbor trips over one on his way across the street.] Everyone can use them to get around town, you know? Leave them where they want for the next person.\nMackey: Well where the hell do they all come from?!\nNeighbor: [flatly] Nobody knows. [Mackey is dumbfounded]\nScene Description: A sidewalk near the park. The boys stand around an e-scooter\nStan: So anyone can use them?\nCartman: Yeah, I think they just work with your cell phone.\nKyle: How?\nStan: Oh yeah, it has one of them little scan thingies. Let me see. [puts up his phone camera to the e-scooter, which scans the code on the e-scooter. A little ding is heard] Yeah, dude, it's downloading the app.\nCartman: Kewl!\nStan: Aww, it wants a credit card number.\nCartman: Do you wanna use your mom's or my mom's?\nStan: Let's do your mom's\nCartman: 3715 ...[Stan taps it into the app] 523 ...\nStan: Is that an AmEx?\nCartman: Yeah, you want a visa? 8292 438 7766507\nStan: Espiration?\nCartman: 45261\nStan: Security code?\nCartman: [without hesitation] 921 [two beeps follow, and the boys are good to go]\nKyle: Dude, it worked! [Stan puts his phone away and hops on the e-scooter, then begins riding it]\nCartman: How is it, dude?\nStan: Pretty stupid but sweet.\nKyle: [turns around] Oh my God. Dude. Oh my God.\nCartman: What?\nKyle: We should use these things to trick or treat on Halloween!\nCartman: Hey yeah! We could cover so much more ground!\nStan: [returns and stops] We'd get, like, more candy than anybody.\nKyle: Everybody get the app! This is gonna be the best Halloween ever! [he and Cartman whip out their phones and get the app. Kenny has nothing to do.]\nKenny: (Oh wait, you guys. See, I don't have a phone.)\nCartman: Oh yeah, Kenny doesn't have a phone 'cause he's poor.\nKyle: Oh. Well, that's okay. We'll figure it out. We always do!\nAll: [raising fists] All right!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. Mr. Mackey parks in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty, gets out, and parks his car. He goes to Lolly's Candy Factory next door and notices the six e-scooters parked in front of it.\nMackey: [spooked] What the... what the... fuck is going on? [goes inside the store, keeping his eyes on the e-scooters]\nLolly: How can I help you?\nMackey: Well I'm just gettin' my Halloween candy. Want to make sure I get enough. Last year I ran out and the kids egged my house, m'kay?\nLolly: Yeah, you don't wanna run out of candy on Halloween.\nMackey: I'll take three large bags each of Snickers Fun Size, Payday Bite Size, Almand Joy Snack Size, and Reese's Teenie Weenie Size, m'kay?\nLolly: Sounds like you wanna be prepared. [opens a large shopping bag for him and begins packing the bags inside]\nMackey: Hey, c-can, can I ask you somethin'? Wha, what's up with all these damn scooters?\nLolly: Oh, I think you get an app on your phone and you can use them all over town.\nMackey: No, but like, where did they come from? You know, it's like one day everything was fine, and the next there were these fuckin' scooters everywhere. [hands Lolly his AmEx card.]\nLolly: You don't like scooters? [takes the card and places the charge on it]\nMackey: I just think people should drive, m'kay? I don't think people should \"scoot.\" I just... I just hope the future isn't \"scootin'.\"\nLolly: Well, they seem pretty convenient. [gives him back his card and the filled shopping bag] What can be so wrong about that? Happy Halloween. [Mackey leaves and finds... 20 scooters there where there were originally six. He hurries to his car]\nScene Description: The Halloween Outlet, day. Everyone is in there getting their costumes, Kenny walks out with a traditional pumpkin pail\nKenny: (Woohoo!) [runs to Cartman's house] (Hey dude, check it out! I got my pail!)\nCartman: Great, cool. You got your pail.\nKenny: (Yup!)\nCartman: Come on in, Kenny. Let's talk. [Kenny walks in, looks around, and ends up looking at Stan and Kyle. Cartman follows him] Go ahead. Take a seat, Ken. [Kenny sits on the sofa next to Kyle, Cartman sits next to him.] Okay Kenny, here's the deal. Um, you know that we have this awesome plan to trick-or-treat on e-scooters this year. YOU... don't have a phone.\nKyle: Kenny, we've been talking and, the truth is, without a scooter, you're just gonna slow us down.\nCartman: It's probably best you trick or treat with someone else this year.\nKenny: (But we always trick or treat together)\nStan: Yeah, but that's just it, Kenny. To use a scooter, you have to have a phone and... I mean, if we're waiting for you, we're gonna be as slow as all the other kids. It's... like, you know?\nKenny: (Guys, please.)\nCartman: Look, Kenny, I always told you that one day, being poor was gonna catch up with you. Okay? But you didn't wanna listen. You just kept on being poor, and now it's Halloween and you don't have a cell phone.\nKyle: Okay, okay. Cartman, that's not the point.\nCartman: He needs to hear this, Kyle. You know, people are just poor, and they think it's not gonna come back to bite them in the ass.\nKyle: That's enough, dude!\nStan: We're sorry, Kenny. It's just... This awesome plan to get shitloads of candy doesn't... work with... you. [Kenny looks around and reads the mood, then takes his pail and leaves the house]\nCartman: Shouldn't have been poor, Kenny.\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. Mr. Mackey is driving in his car and singing.\nMackey: There was a wee cooper what lived in Fife. Nickety, Nackety noo noonoo Hey Willy Wallacky, hey John Dougal. Alane quo roshety roo rooroo [Notices someone outside his window. It's a scooter rider sipping coffee from Starbucks and carrying a shoulder bag across his body. He begins to notice other riders, but this distracts him from the road ahead.] Whoa, shit! M'kay?! [he's at an intersection when another rider casually scoots in front of him on the crosswalk. He brakes hard, looks out his window and yells] Hey you had a goddamned red light!\nRider 1: [long gone] Sorry.\nMackey: [sighing] Whoa, Jesus Christ. [another rider runs into the car] Hey!\nRider 2: [pulls his scooter off the car] Sorry.\nMackey: What the hell?! [the rider pulls the scooter off the car and rides away] Look at my car! Who's gonna pay for- [another rider runs into the car on the passenger side]\nRider 3: Sorry dude. [pulls the scooter off the car and rides away]\nMackey: God damn it! Get off the goddamned street with those things! [begins to peel away when he encounters traffic going against him, consisting of nothing but scooter riders. He dodges them as best he can. He ends up bumping a few off.]\nRider 4: Sorry.\nRider 5: [lands on the hood of the car, then gets off some seconds later] Sorry bro.\nRider 6: [lands on the trunk of the car, then gets off some seconds later] Sorry, dude.\nMackey: Woh, fuck me!\nScene Description: Clyde's house, afternoon. Clyde is seated with Token, Jimmy, and Butters. discussing their plan for Halloween over a map of the town.\nClyde: As soon as the school bell rings, we find the nearest scooters and begin trick or treating in Butters' neighborhood here. Then at 3 p.m. we- [the doorbell rings]\nJimmy: Sh sh-sh-sh-sh Shi sh-shi shit.\nClyde: Cover it! Cover it! [he and Jimmy pull out a blanket and throw it over the map. Token and Butters's help cover it up. Clyde goes to open the door and sees Kenny there.] Oh. Hey Kenny.\nKenny: (Hey dude. Uh, look. I was wondering, do you think I could trick or treat with you guys this year?)\nClyde: You wanna trick or treat with us? What about Stan and Kyle and those guys?\nKenny: (Oh, you know, I just thought I'd switch it up this year, hehe)\nClyde: Yeah, look, don't tell anybody, but, um... we're gonna trick or treat on e-scooters this year. We're seriously gonna rake in the candy. Problem is, e-scooters work with a phone and pretty sure [slowly] you don't h-have one\nKenny: (Oh I won't slow you guys down. I swear!)\nClyde: Dude, it's trick or treat. It's not something we're just willing to mess around with, okay? [backs up and closes the door, then lowers his head in sadness]\nScene Description: Nighttime. For envelops the town while the moon shines overhead. Mr. Mackey's shadow pops out from behind a tree and looks around, then he sneaks into an alley. He begins pulling up scooters and tossing them into a Bargain Rentals pickup truck. he wades into the river and crosses it to the other side, then removes the scooters from that side of town. He tosses them onto the truck as well. He then chains a bunch of them together and scoots them down the street to the truck. He tosses them onto the growing pile and drives out of town. He drives them onto a high cliff and parks at the edge, then throws out the whole mass of scooters, kicking out any remaining ones. He then drives off the cliff and goes home to sleep. His phone beeps, waking him. He rubs his eyes and puts on his glasses, then is surprised to see a scooter in his room by the bed.\nMr. Mackey: What the hell?? [walks backward into the bathroom, then turns around to find two more scooters by the toilet.] Aaaah! [Spooked, he goes downstairs when he hears someone run into the front door.]\nRider 7: Agh! [Mackey opens the door to see the rider dust himself off] Sorry, dude.\nMackey: God damnit, where'd you get that?!\nRider 7: Oh, they're all over, dude. Super-convenient. Try it out. [scoots away. Mr. Mackey walks to the street and sees even more of them than he threw out the night before.]\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Bebe and Wendy sit at the table with four other girls. Kenny walks up to their table and sits between two of the girls.\nKenny: (Hey guys!) [silence. He chuckles and says] (So listen, I was thinking, maybe I'd trick or treat with you guys this year!)\nWendy: You wanna trick or treat with us? Why?\nKenny: (Oh, you know! Just trying to be gender-neutral, hahahaha!)\nScene Description: At another table, Cartman sits with Stan, Kyle, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters\nCartman: So, uh, you guys think you're gonna get a lot of candy trick or treating this year?\nButters: We're gonna get a butt-load of candy!\nToken: Shh! Butters, don't tell them our secret!\nCartman: Oh, we have a little secret too!\nStan: But we're not gonna tell people 'cause they're gonna copy us. So let's just leave it at that.\nClyde: Fine by us. So what are you gonna be for Halloween?\nCartman: Be? I'm gonna be on an e-scooter taking all your candy! [Stan and Kyle flash angry looks at him] That's what I'm gonna be!\nKyle: Dude!\nCartman: Sorry!\nJimmy: Hey wait! That's what we're doing!\nStan: What?\nCraig: Hold on! You guys are using e-scooters on Halloween too?\nWendy: Oh, you jerks found out the girls are all trick or treating on e-scooters, and you stole our idea!\nCartman: Okay. Hold on! This is bullcrap! [all the kids begin arguing, destroying any chance Kenny had of enjoying a peaceful dinner. He walks away, head down.]\nScene Description: South Park Community Center. Adult Kenny resumes the story.\nAdult Kenny: It was the day before Halloween. All of our parents were gathered together to try and stop a nightmare from coming true.\nSgt. Yates: [at the podium] All right, everyone. Quiet, please. We have a community crisis on our hands, and it's my job to keep you informed. As you know, there's been a rise in the use of e-scooters in our town. Officer Brown is head of crisis control. Officer?\nOfficer Brown: We have inside information that kids everywhere are going to be using e-scooters for tricks or treats. Now, with these things, kids and teens can cover a lot of ground in very little time. They can hit more houses than ever before. Because of the scooters, we also expect that people from all the neighboring counties will commute for tricks or treats in our town. Because of all of this, we believe each household needs to be prepared... with at least $6,000 worth of candy.\nJimbo: $6,000?\nStephen: Well that's ridiculous! We, we can't all buy that much candy! Let's just get rid of those scooters!\nTownsfolk: Yeah! That's right! Let's do it!\nMackey: [stands up] You can't get rid of them! I tried! You all just sat there while those things piled up on our sidewalks! You all rode 'em around, m'kay?! I saw you! You could have used your cars, but you just had to scoot! [makes his way to the podium] And now tricks or treats is here! Well I'll tell you one thing! I'm not gonna let my house get egged this year for not havin' enough candy! So what are we gonna do?!\nTownsman: We gotta get more candy! [after a moment of silence, everyone scrambles out the door with a sense of urgency. Mackey joins them]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, evening. Mr. Mackey drives up in his car and screeches to a halt in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. He leaves his car and locks it, then runs into Lolly's Candy Factory next door to get whatever candy he can just as everyone else runs out of there.\nMackey: Get-whoa-get out of the way! [goes inside. A female customer leaves with the last of the goodies]\nLolly: Look, I got nothin' left, all right?\nMackey: What did you-? Get me some of those Hi-Chews.\nLolly: Those are already accounted for by folks who called in!\nMackey: Well then let me, let me have the Whatchamacallits?\nLolly: Those are for me! I've gotta protect my own house!\nMackey: Look, you've gotta give me some more fuckin' candy! [Lolly bends over, pulls up a rifle, and aims it at Mr. Mackey]\nLolly: There's nothin' left here. You've gotta go somewhere else! [Mr. Mackey turns and runs out]\nScene Description: Food 4 Little, later. Mr. Mackey peels into a parking spot and grabs a cart as soon as he can. He runs through the store\nMackey: Where, where's the candy, m'kay? Candy? [stops when he sees an associate] Uhh, what aisle is the candy in?\nAssociate: Uh, aisle 7.\nMackey: [resumes running] Uh 7, aisle 7! [reaches it and turns to see empty, trashed shelves. A couple of people have fallen victim to the stampede]\nScene Description: Halloween, day. A wind blows some leaves around all over town. South Park Elementary is ow crowded with e-scooters up front. The kids are dressed up for Halloween and look around at each other warily, ready to be the first one out the classroom door as soon as the bell rings. Butters too looks around warily, but all of a sudden brightens up. He looks at the clock on the wall. Meanwhile, Kenny walks to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs, and knocks on the door.\nMackey: [divvies up the candy so every kid gets the same amount and composition] Twenty Reese's Pieces, one Twix, sixteen Raisinets. [Kenny knocks again] Just... just a minute! Twelve Hat Tamles, half a Nestle Crun- [Kenny knocks again] Okay, come in! [Kenny finally walks in and closes the door, then takes a seat] What you want?\nKenny: (I, I just... It's Halloween and I should be happy, but I'm not happy at all.)\nMackey: Wait. Are you here for counseling?\nKenny: (Yeah! What should I do? I'm gonna miss trick-or-treating. It sucks.)\nMackey: Do you realize it's about to be World War III out there?! We have bigger problems! Consider yourself lucky, M'kay?! Everyone's gonna be scootin' and there's no way to stop it. Why are you the one kid who doesn't want to use them?\nKenny: (I can't use one. I don't have a phone.)\nMackey: What do you mean? You can't use those things without a phone?\nKenny: (No. It sucks. Halloween was a night without phones, man.)\nMackey: But Kenny, if that's true, then... could there be a way to cut the connection?\nKenny: (I don't know. I guess if you-) [snaps his fingers] (Wait a minute. Take down the cell phone tower. Then nobody has a phone on Halloween!)\nMackey: Jesus! You really think that could work?!\nKenny: (Yeah! I just have to ride thirty minutes outside of town! Oh, wait. I can't. I don't have a scooter.)\nMackey: [voice trembling] No. You don't need a scooter, 'cause I got a fuckin' car. [Kenny gets pumped]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Stephen and Linda drive up and park. Randy opens the front door to greet them\nRandy: Yehello?\nStephen: Heh hey Randy. Linda and I, we... we were talkin' about how we never see you guys anymore, and we were thinking we'd hang out with you for Halloween, heh.\nRandy: Oh, I see. You want a place to hide on Halloween night, and you thought out here on the farm you'd be safe.\nStephen: Well, that, and we really wanna hang with you guys.\nLinda: [giggles nervously] Yes.\nRandy: You think them fancy e-scooters don't make it out here? We're gonna be bombarded just like you city folk.\nStephen: Then please, Randy, can we just borrow a little candy?\nRandy: I gotta keep what I have.\nStephen: Please, Randy, the stores are all out! Just a few Milky Ways to get us through the first couple hours, please! We can cut 'em up. We can- we can hand them out little pieces at a time.\nRandy: [steps backward up the porch steps] I gotta protect my own, Stotch! I'm sorry. [turns and walks inside]\nScene Description: In the car, moments later.\nLinda: [in a panic] What are we gonna do??\nStephen: It's okay, Linda! It's okay! On Halloween night, I'll... I'll just one of those e-scooters myself. I'll go around and, and I'll trick-or-treat. I'll... I'll get a bunch of-\nLinda: [grabs his right hand] No, you can't leave me alone!\nStephen: [grabs her shoulders] I'll get a bunch of candy, Linda, and I'll bring it back to our house for us to hand out! It's going to be okay.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. The school bell rings and the kids flood out to get at the e-scooters. Clyde gets on a scooter, but Kyle pulls him off and takes it. Butters runs for a scooter, but Cartman catches up to him and punches him away. The kids fan out around town. Gerald is at his front door dishing out candy as fast as possible\nGerald: Aah! Aaaah! Here! Here, take it! Just take it!\nRichard: [Dishes out candies to the trick-or-treaters in a panic] OH GOD! WE NEED MORE 3 MUSKETEERS! WE CAN'T BE OUT! THERE HAS TO BE MORE!!\nKyle: [comes into view with Cartman and Stan] Jesus Christ! Where'd all these other people come from?!\nCartman: We have to get more candy than anyone else, even if we die!\nScene Description: The road to South Park, night. The sign for Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant now has CANCELLED spray-painted on it. Kids and teens from out of town begin streaming in. Again, Mr. Mackey has to avoid the oncoming riders, but Kenny is with him now.\nMackey: The tower should be just over that ridge.\nKenny: (Let's just hope to hell this works.)\nRider 8: [a woman they bump off] Oof, Sorry.\nMackey: What gives them the right, huh? I mean, some big company came and dumped a bunch of scooters everywhere without asking anyone if it was okay.\nKenny: (Yeah, people don't even care if shit's dumped everywhere. Everyone just loves technology)\nMackey: Yeah, you're right. You're a good kid, Kenny. I always thought so. I know we kind of all forget about you sometimes, but you're smart, compassionate, and you might even make a good counselor someday. [looks ahead again, but bumps into another rider]\nRider 9: Sorry, dude.\nScene Description: Jimbo and Ned's house, night. The trick-or-treaters swarm outside the house while Jimbo and Ned dish out the candy\nJimbo: Keep going, Ned! Don't you give up on me!\nStephen: [scoots up to them, pushing people out of the way] Move it! Get out of my way! [holdds up his pail] Trick or treat!\nJimbo: The hell are you doing, Stotch?\nStephen: Happy Halloween! Trick or Treat!\nJimbo: You're just trying to get our candy for your house!\nStephen: That's not true!\nJimbo: You don't even have a costume!\nStephen: Yes I do! I'm Megyn Kelly! Now trick or treat!\nScene Description: The neighborhood streets, night. The boys have done so well that their bags are bulging with candy\nKyle: That's it! I can't go anymore!\nCartman: Keep moving, Kyle!\nStan: Dude, we can't carry any more candy!\nCartman: All right, over here. Come on!\nKyle: What are we doing?\nCartman: We've gotta make room for more candy. Come on. Eat as much as you can. [they open their bags and start shoveling candy into their mouths, eating as much as they can]\nKyle: I don't... I don't know how I can keep doing this.\nCartman: Yes you can, Kyle.\nStan: I can't any more. [throws up into his bag]\nScene Description: A half hour out of town, night. Mr. Mackey and Kenny drive towards a wireless cell tower guarded by a chain-link fence\nKenny: (Find a way inside. I'll climb the tower.)\nMackey: Okay, sounds good! [they're confronted by a security guard in costume]\nKenny: (Oh, fuck!) [the guard is dressed as Jason Voorhees]\nMackey: Jesus Christ! [slashing sounds are heard. The guard removes his mask]\nGuard: I'm all out of candy, all right?! Go look somewhere else!\nMackey: We're not here for tricks or treats!\nGuard: Yeah, sure! That's what the last people said! Then they dumped my entire bowl in a pillowcase!\nKenny: (Dude, relax. It's okay.)\nGuard: I'm just a security guard, all right?! [slides the mask back down over his face] We never even used to have trick-or-treaters out this far!\nMackey: That's why he has to take down this cellphone tower: To stop the scooters! Jason, I'm a counselor. You need to trust me. [the guard tilts his head to the right]\nScene Description: The trick-or-treaters swarm outside the police station and pound on its walls. Police officers inside the station stay low and armed. One of them covers his ears\nYates: There's a bowl of Rice Krispie treats at the side door! The side door, you animals!\nOfficer: Detective, look!\nScene Description: A TV is seen from their location, showing a newscast from New York. Times Square is torn to shreds, with glass panels littering the ground\nReporter: We are two hours ahead here! New York has completely run out of candy! [static ruins the image and the TV goes dark]\nScene Description: The neighborhood streets, moments later. Trick-or-treating continues\nJimmy: Butters? We've lost Butters!\nToken: Oh God, Butters! [Butters is lying down next to a gutter munching on his cache of candy]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Sharon and Randy stand on the porch looking out at the fields. A swarm of kids is in the distance\nSharon: We're never goin' to have enough candy.\nScene Description: The cellphone tower, later. Kenny goes up the steps to the top, hauling a chain. He then throws the chain around the top and catches it, tying it onto itself\nKenny: (Okay, that's got it!)\nMackey: All right, Kenny! [to no one] Let's see you do THIS with a goddamned scooter! [turns the ignition on, revs up the car, and begins to drive away, pulling the tower down. Kenny hides behind some panels on the way down]\nScene Description: The town, moments later. The scooters begin to power down and the riders stop moving. The excitement dies down.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, moments later. The scooters begin to power down and the riders stop moving just before reaching the porch. The excitement dies down.\nAdult Kenny: And just like that, it was over. Nobody knew what happened. They only knew their phones didn't work.\nClyde: Does anyone have a signal?\nAdult Kenny: No scooters, no texting, not even GPS. It was like the old Halloween. [with no way to move around on them, the riders just drop the scooters and walk away]\nRider 10: And I can't get an Uber home!\nAdult Kenny: Mr. Mackey was able to get back to the town and offer counseling to everyone who needed it. [Kenny walks into view, wearing a costume] And as for me? I was able to spend the rest of the night with my friends, because we were all equal again.\nThe boys: [approach a house and ring the doorbell] Trick or treat.\nKenny: [brightly] (Trick or treat!)\nAdult Kenny: It was the last Halloween that still felt like Halloween. It was the last time... it was good. [a scooter suddenly props itself up and scoots away]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A meadow near town, day. A small bird chirps on a blade of grass when suddenly, it's shot to pieces. The camera pans left and we see Jimbo and Ned in the distance, Ned holding the rifle that shot the bird\nJimbo: Yeah-heah! You got it, Ned! That was a nice shot!\nNed: Mn-thanks. I thought so too.\nJimbo: Come on, let's see what we got. [they walk to the bird's location and look down] Huh. Looks like you shot the shit out of it. There's nothin' left. [looks to his left] Hey. Lookie here. Jesus. You ever seen animal tracks that big? [the hoof prints of a large animal are shown - pig on the left, bear on the right]\nNed: Mmm-no I have not, Jimbo.\nJimbo: Looks like a bear. A huge one! Come on, the tracks go this way. [they walk away, then stop] Look at that. Looks like bear droppings. But with a man poop right next to it.\nNed: I'm scared. [they move forward]\nJimbo: What the hell are we dealing with, Ned? Whatever it is, it was heard recently. [they walk through some hemp plants]\nScene Description: They've made their way to Tegridy Farms. Randy and Stan are on the porch\nRandy: Hey! [Jimbo and Ned look up] What the hell are you guys doin' on my farm?\nJimbo: We're trackin' a bear, Randy.\nRandy: A bear? [a growling squeal is heard, Everyone looks around] That didn't sound like no bear. [Ned begins to run away]\nJimbo: Where're you goin' Ned?\nNed: Mmm-I'm getting my white ass outta here. [stops. Manbearpig rises out of the field and squeal-growls at him]\nStan: What the fuck?!\nJimbo: Jesus Christ! [fumbles to aim his gun at ManBearPig and finally gets a shot out. Ned runs away, and ManBearPig gives chase.] Whoa!\nNed: [slowly while running] Help me! [ManBearPig catches up to him and mauls him, then carries him away in its mouth.]\nJimbo: NNEEEEDDDD!!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Officers arrive to work.\nYates: All right. We have some dead cows down at Milner's Ranch. I want Conners and Tiggs to check that out. And the two hikers are still missing. Let's have all units keep their ears to the ground. [tidies up his papers] All right, ladies, that's it. Second shift starts now. As for me, I'm finally heading home.\nOfficer 1: Gonna finally get some R&R, sir?\nYates: Yep. Gonna go home and play me some Red Dead Redemption 2. I got a train to rob in Valentine.\nOfficer 2: Detective! Got a call from the school. Another kid's been killed.\nYates: No, no not another school shooting! Can't they handle it themselves?\nOfficer 2: Said they need us right away.\nYates: [makes fists] God damn it! [loosens them] Why the hell can't these kids stop being a pain in my ass? [takes off his coat and adjusts his tie]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Several police cars pull up. Yates and the others get out and enter the school. Strong Woman has the students huddled up on the playground.\nStrong Woman: Children, everyone, just stay back, okay? The police are coming.\nYates: [arrives with Ofc. Brown.] All right, what happened? What grade was the shooter in?\nStrong Woman: Oh thank God. Some kindergartners found the body. I-I don't think it was a shooting.\nYates: [takes a cigarette from a pack in his shirt pocket] Of course it's a school shooting. It's cut and dry. Let's just get this over with so I can go home. Where's the victim? [takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette]\nStrong Woman: Over there. [points to her left, and the officers follow with their eyes]\nBrown: What the hell? [the body they reach is a kid's body which has been ripped to shreds]\nYates: Jesus, it's a complete mauling.\nOfficer 3: [kneels to take a closer look] Looks like part of him was eaten.\nYates: [returns to the students] All right, which one of you little shitheads did this? [the student body stays silent] Come on. I don't have time for these little games. Which of you peckers felt isolated and lashed out at society? If I have to stay here and do an investigation instead of go home and rob a train, there's gonna be serious hell to pay!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Kyle is at his locker switching books. He closes the locker as Cartman and Kenny walk by, and joins them.\nKyle: So what as he doing alone on the playground?\nCartman: Staci Nakabw says he just wanted to run back out and get his football.\nKenny: (What the fuckin' hell, dude?)\nKyle: And there were bear prints in the snow?\nStan: It wasn't a bear! [seen by his locker seated on the floor with his arms around his legs] I saw it. [the other boys walk up to him]\nKyle: You saw what?\nStan: It was at my house. There was a... thing. It attacked my uncle and took his friend. It was like a bear, but a pig... thing.\nKyle: Jesus.\nStan: It was at my house, and then here at the school! Everyone says that kid and I looked alike. What if that thing is after me??\nCartman: Dude, now you're just overreacting.\nMackey: [over the P.A.] Attention, please. Will the following students report to the principal's office? Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick. [both are surprised that they've been called.] Thank you, 'kay.\nCartman: Aww, what did I do this time?\nScene Description: The principal's office, lobby. Cartman and Kenny arrive.\nCartman: You go first, Kenny.\nKenny: (Fuck that, you go first!)\nCartman: I didn't even do anything wrong!\nKenny: (Neither did I!)\nCartman: Just stop being a baby, Kenny, and go! [pulls Kenny to the door]\nScene Description: The principal's office, inside. Kenny goes in first, then Cartman. Yates is sitting at the desk, smoking a cigarette.\nYates: Take a seat, boys. Right there. [the boys sit and wait as Yates lights up a cigarette and takes a loooong puff] You know how shitty it is to be a cop? [sits up] There's real emergencies every day - real people who need real help - but then, every other minute, I gotta stop everything 'cause one of you little fuckwads decides to go and shoot up the school. [Kenny says something] Shut up! now, which one of you had a beef with Colin Brooks?!\nCartman: Nobody gives a shit about Colin Brooks.\nYates: Oh yeah? I asked the kids in this school, \"Who are the biggest loners? Who's most likely to rage and be the next school shooter?\" You know what they said? The fat, ugly mean kid and the detached, loner poor kid.\nCartman: Hey, I'm not poor, all right?!\nYates: Or was it both of you? Fess up. I have people in Horseshoe Overlook who are depending on me to get provisions so we can head back east.\nCartman: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?\nYates: That's right. And I'm gonna make both of you school shooters pay for wasting my time. [Cartman and Kenny just look at each other]\nScene Description: Kyle's room, evening. Kyle is typing away at his computer as Stan looks on.\nStan: Keep looking. There's a lot of people saying they saw it, Kyle. It's not just me.\nKyle: \"Evidence of the creature of South Park.\" This is like a conspiracy Web site.\nStan: It's not a conspiracy, it's real. Keep going down. There's video. [Kyle scrolls down and stops at \"MAN-BEAR-PIG captured on VIDEO\"] There! Right there! [Kyle clicks on it and the video expands. ManBearPig is seen running off with another victim in its jaws.] That's it. That's what I saw. [walks away from the computer] I saw ManBearPig.\nKyle: ManBearPig?\nStan: Don't you remember, dude? We were warned about this. That weirdo guy who came and told us this would happen? He was right. [Kenny and Cartman soon run in]\nCartman: You guys! You guys! The police are trying to say me and Kenny killed that douchebag, Colin Brooks.\nKyle: What?\nCartman: They questioned us for hours. They said they had enough to get warrants for our arrest.\nStan: But it wasn't you guys.\nCartman: We know that! What the hell are we gonna do??\nStan: Who was that ex-President guy? The one who showed up and tried to convince everyone of a ManBearPig?\nKenny: (You mean Al Gore?)\nKyle: Al Gore.\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Yates addresses everyone in the briefing room.\nYates: In my report, you'll see that Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick are believed to have worked together. I've issued warrants for their arrests, and this case is now in the hands of the DA. [adjusts his papers and puts them away] And I... am finally going home. Keep McCormick and Cartman in separate holding cells, and don't wait on me to book 'em. I'm gonna be playing Red Dead Redemption for the next 18 hours. [gets to the entrance door]\nOfficer 2: Detective!\nYates: Whaaat?\nOfficer 2: There's more dead kids. Out in the woods by Stark's Pond.\nYates: In the woods? There was a school shooting out in the woods? Outside of school is the one place kids are supposed to be safe.\nOfficer 2: They're saying it's really bad, sir. Need all units.\nYatess: [frustrated, sighs] God damn it! [takes off his coat] If these kids don't stop killing each other, I'm gonna shoot 'em all myself.\nScene Description: Denver City Hall, day. The boys approach the receptionist.\nStan: Hello, uh, we're looking for a government sort of guy named Al Gore?\nReceptionist: Al Gore... Al Gore... Sounds familiar.\nKyle: He said he was almost President once. He came to our town once to warn us about something, [hands her a photo] and we have to find him. [the photo is revealed to be a head shot of Al Gore signed \"To my Best Friends! - Al\".]\nReceptionist: Ohhh yeahhh. This looks like Jim Turner\nKenny: {Jim Turner?}\nReceptionist: The state bowling champion five years in a row. You can always catch him practicing down at Gramercy Lanes.\nScene Description: Gramercy Lanes, later. \"Jim Turner\" is seen getting ready to bowl.\nGore: Focus. Calm. Center. [bowls. The ball takes out 9 of 10 pins] Yes! Die! Die, you pins! Oh, we've got a straggler, do we? You're gonna die just like the rest of 'em.\nStan: Mr. Gore?\nGore: Focus. Calm.\nStan: Al Gore?\nGore: [faces them] That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.\nStan: I don't know if you remember us, but we're the kids you got to help try and capture ManBearPig? Well uh, eh eh, you were right. Ha, you, you were totally right. ManBearPig is real and, uh, he's killing lots of people in our town.\nGore: Oh. Sucks for you. [turns around and gets the spare.]\nKyle: Please, Mr. Gore! We need your help! ManBearPig isn't going to stop!\nGore: [gets a new ball and holds it] Oh, is it inconvenient now? I tried to warn you all, but no one took me cereal. You all just made fun of me, didn't you? Well, now you can just deal with it yourselves.\nKyle: Please, just tell us. How do you stop it?\nGore: You stop it all those years ago when I freaking warned you and you still had time!\nStan: There has to be something we can still do. Please, Mr. Gore. You're the only person who knows anything about it.\nGore: Say you're sorry for making fun of me.\nStan: We, didn't, we didn't realize there were more than-\nGore: Say you're sorry for making fun of me.\nCartman: [sincerely] We're sorry for making fun of you.\nGore: That... didn't sound cereal at all. [turns and bowls a strike]\nScene Description: Red Lobster, day. A family is seated at a booth. The mother and son sit against a wall while the father sits on the open side.\nHusband: You can't just go along with what people are saying, Susan. Okay? There's no scientific proof, no real evidence of a Manbearpig.\nSusan: Well, there's a lot of smart people saying ManBearPig is real.\nHusband: Yeah, and a lot of smarter people saying saying it isn't. Okay? What you need to understand, Susan, is that everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants to use the fear of a Manbearpig to get what they want. [ManBearPig breaks through the windows and begins killing diners left and right] So they throw around bad science, bad taxidermy. People comin' out of the woodwork are now experts on the subject. [ManBearPig grabs a blond diner by the head and slams him to the ground, grabs a female diner and decapitates her with a single bite, grabs another diner and kills him] But you have to use your own brain, sweetheart. You can't just let people tell you that if you don't believe in ManBearPig, then you don't care about the world.\nSusan: It is real!\nHusband: You wanna believe it's real? You go right on ahead, Susan.\nSusan: No, it's right there! It's right there behind you! [The father looks over his shoulder and sees ManBearPig grab another blond diner and rip his skull and spine from the rest of his body. Susan is terrified and screams]\nHusband: Okay, ManBearPig is real. [ManBearPig grabs another diner and bites him in the torso, tosses him around, and spits him out] What are we gonna do about it now, huh? [ManBearPig grabs another diner and tears him in two] What are we gonna do that's gonna make any difference now, Susan?\nSusan: [grabs their son and shakes her head in disbelief] What?! We have to do something!\nHusband: What can we do that everyone else will also do, Susan? [ManBearPig grabs a female diner and slams her into a pillar] Come on, use your brain. Even if we do something about it, what about the Chinese? [ManBearPig takes yet another dinner and slams him into the booth behind the family's] They're just gonna keep right on- Aaaghghg! [ManBearPig grabs the father and crushes his skull in its jaws, killing him]\nScene Description: Olive Garden, day. There's singing going on in there.\nBoys: [singing to Al Gore, who's wearing a Special Boy crown] For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. That should 've been President.\nGore: Aw, thanks, guys! You shouldn't have!\nCartman: You told us to. [Stan elbows him] Ngh!\nGore: What did you guys get me? [opens the first gift] Oh wow. Look! [a small framed picture] It's a \"You were right about ManBearPig\" signed picture. [the picture does say that, with the four boys signing it at the bottom]\nKyle: So, ahum, now maybe we can all work together, huh?\nGore: Hang on! [claps and sings] It's movie time! Go go! Start it up. [Kenny goes to start the projector] This is the best party ever. Oh, look, guys. It's me! There I am, campaigning to be President. [Al Gore talking to a crowd during his presidential campaign in 2000] That's me with Hillary! [An older looking Gore standing with Hillary Clinton at a rally during her presidential campaign in 2016] There's more of me on the campaign trail,[Al and his wife shaking hands with people outside during his campaign in 2000] so full of dreams! Oh, look! It's me when I found out I lost the election! [he and George W. Bush stand outside by the White House after the 2000 presidential election] Boo! [the boys have lost interest and their eyes are half closed] But then look! There's me getting an Academy Award! [Gore standing on the red carpet at the 2007 Academy Awards with his wife, son and daughter for his film \"An Inconvenient Truth\"]\nKyle: [fed up] Okay, can we stop ManBearPig now?!\nGore: Who said anything about stopping MBP?[Gore, his wife and his running mate are shaking hands while leaving an event in 2000]\nStan: Yu-you told us to do all this.\nGore: Yeah, to make up for ripping on me![Gore talking to reporters on a tarmac]\nCartman: You're still not even gonna help us?!\nGore: I've moved on from this life, okay?! I have a new life now! I'm a bowler![Gore addressing the United Nations]And when I'm not bowling, I help out my gang. [Gore on an airplane talking to a reporter]They're my family now! We're wanted in Blackwater, and we have to move our camp soon!\nCartman: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?\nGore: Yeah, it's amazing. Only thing is I have all these stolen items and I don't know how to sell them.[Gore and his wife greeting people outside an event at night]\nStan: We know how.\nGore: [softly] Oh, really? [Gore and his running mate at a rally in 2000]\nScene Description: Baskin Robbins, day. It is destroyed, with shattered windows and bodies torn apart and strewn everywhere. The police show up and document the massacre.\nOfficer 3: [with notepad] No witnesses to the attack were left alive. The same bear and pig droppings were found along with human excrement.\nYates: I don't believe it. A school shooting at an ice cream shop. Damn it! When children leave school they're supposed to be out of harm's way!\nOfficer 4: Detective! Sir, we got word on the two suspects. They appear to be on the run.\nYates: I would be too if I were guilty.\nOfficer 4: No one has seen them or their two closest friends, uh, Marsh and Broflovski.\nYates: So we got us a gang of shooters, huh?! How the hell hard can it be to find four boys?!\nOfficer 3: Sir. Why don't you take a break, sir?\nYates: Erh.\nOfficer 3: You've been hittin' it hard. We'll do all we can to catch these kids. Go home. Play some Red Dead Redemption.\nYates: Huh. Gotta admit I've to love to see the sunrise over Citadel Rock again. And I got me a gal who claims she's got a side mission or two.\nOfficer 3: Go on home, sir. We'll take care of everything here.\nScene Description: Al Gore's storage unit. He opens the security shutters and leads the boys in. Lots of papers and electronics fill the unit\nGore: This is it. Every piece of information I ever gathered on ManBearPig.\nStan: Where did ManBearPig come from?\nKyle: Is it some sort of genetic mutation?\nGore: [uncovers a huge workstation with three screens] Hoho! I thought that once too. I wanted to find ManBearPig's origins. And so I created this - the Internet. With that, I was able to look everywhere for any bit of data, and what I learned is that ManBearPig... is a demon.\nKenny: (A demon?!)\nGore: [brings up an image of an engraving] This is \"The Temptation of St. Anthony\" by Martin Schongauer. It depicts several demons. WolfMonekyGuy, ChickenFishWoman, and ElephantPorcupineMan, just to name a few. All of them sent by the Devil himself. [realizes something] Oh my God.\nKyle: What?\nGore: I should play Red Dead on this computer, with all three screens. That'd be so bitchin' sweet.\nStan: Why did the Devil send ManBearPig?!\nGore: Why does the Devil do anything? He's the freakin' Devil. He's a dick. [opens a secret compartment in which his red cape and gold medallion rest, and puts on the cape and medallion] It's probably too late. By now, ManBearPig is so powerful that the only way to get rid of him is to send him back to hell. We're going to have to do... a demonic ritual. [goes to a mirror to make sure he's ready] All I can say is... you boys better get to the grocery store, 'cause it's time... to get cereal.\nScene Description: Yates' house, night. Yates parks his car outside the garage and goes to the front door. He opens it and goes in. Maggie comes out to greet him\nMaggie: Harrison Yates, where have ya been?!\nYates: Another school shooting, Maggie. Down at Baskin-Robbins. [grabs his controller and presses Play. He waits for the game to appear onscreen]\nMaggie: I haven't seen ya in days. I've missed you so much. Come have some supper with me.\nYates: Maggie, I just need to relax a bit, all right? Please. I've been waiting for this a long time. Just give me a- Wait a minute. The house in Valentine is built? Where did I get a sniper rifle? Maggie! Did you play over my saved game?\nMaggie: I just played a little bit.\nYates: A little bit, you-? On my saved game?! Why didn't you start your own?!\nMaggie: You're never home anymore! With all these school shootings! I need a life too, you know?! ISo I robbed a lumber mill in Monto's rest, upgraded my horse and got a sniper rifle.\nYates: [stands up and confronts her] That's my life, Maggie! I was goin' for more honor points! God damn it!\nMaggie: Why can't we have a life together?!\nYates: I haven't gotten to play in three days. You've done all this stuff without me! You got deputized?! [Maggie begins sobbing.] Oh God damn it! That does it!\nMaggie: Where are ya going?!\nYates: I'm starting a new life! [goes to the hat rack and puts on his coat and hat, then goes back to the armchair] I'm creating a new saved game.\nMaggie: You can;t possibly go all the way back to the snow level again!\nYates: What choice do I have now?! [Maggie sobs and heads towards the kitchen as he starts a new game] Fuckin' bitch.\nScene Description: The woods, night. The camera aims at the night sky, then pans down, resting on the sacrificial circumscribed pentagram, drawn in blood. A goat is tied to a stake in the center, and a candle rests on each of the five points of the pentagram. Gore appears with a crown of twigs and holding a chicken by its feet\nGore: Abuul abash mayah. What Satan has put forth upon this earth, may it be summoned and banished forever. [the boys stand by with two other dead chickens. They each hold a candle. Kenny takes one of them to Gore]\nKyle: Dude, come on. What are we doing?\nCartman: This is stupid.\nStan: He was right before.\nGore: We call upon the powers of darkness. Come on, guys. We call upon the powers of darkness.\nThe Boys: We call upon the powers of darkness.\nGore: Al Gore was right. Al Gore was right all along.\nThe Boys: Al Gore was right all along.\nGore: We should have listened to Al Gore.\nThe Boys: We should have all listened to Al Gore.\nKyle: Wait. Wait, are you videoing us?\nGore: It's Instagram Live. Keep going! We should have taken Al Gore more cereal.\nStan: All right all right, that's enough! [puts down his candle] You need to stop wasting our time, dude. People are dying! You don't have a fucking clue what you're doing! [the pentagram brightens up, winds whip around in it, flames appear on the bloody markings. The goat is consumed and the flames get stronger.]\nGore: [faces the boys] You were saying?\nStan: Oh shit! [facepalm] God damn it! Nothing! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\nScene Description: The SPPD briefing room. The police officers await Yates. An officer coughs. The door opens and Yates storms in, also the door, puts his coat on the coat rack, kicks the wastebasket and walks to the lectern\nYates: Do you all have any idea what it's like to start over?! You walk four hours through the snow relearning everything, all because your bitch wife went and spent all your hard-earned money on upgrades you didn't want! I get one little break from work - one little break - and I didn't even get back to the first brawl at the saloon!\nOfficer 5: [raises his hand] You can actually bypass that fight if you go hunting with Dutch.\nYates: [slams his fist on the lectern] SHUT UP!! These school shootings are done, you hear me?! I want this case closed by the end of the night, one way or another! Now let's MOVE OUT!\nScene Description: The woods, night. The pentagram is quite hot now as Gore and the boys wait for Satan\nGore: Here he comes, boys! Prepare yourselves! [the pentagram ones up and a giant hand rises out of it and grips the ground. The rest of the figure rises up, growling. It's Satan.]\nSatan: Who hath summoned me to this realm?!\nKyle: Dude! You summoned Satan!\nGore: Yeah, no doi! What'd ya think we were doing?! [turns to Satan] Prince of Darkness! It is I, Al Gore! I was almost President!\nSatan: What do you wish of me, Al Gore?!\nGore: A demon from Hell has been unleashed upon our world! We demand to know its nature! We demand to know its reason for coming!\nSatan: There is only one place you can find the answers you seek! It is the place where all knowledge becomes known. Your local library.\nGore: Ah! You are correct. [to the boys] Your local library is an excellent resource for whatever you wish to learn.\nSatan: Yes it is.\nGore: Then I command ye, Satan, to come with us to the local library! And I am cereal!\nKyle: Dude, Satan's not gonna go with us to the-\nSatan: Very well, Al Gore. Let us go!\nScene Description: South Park Public Library, night. The boys and Gore are inside browsing the stacks\nSatan: Yeah, guys! Guys, over here! I think I found it. What you're dealing with is a Sifter of Fate.\nKenny: (Well what's that mean?)\nSatan: So there's these demons that, um, actually come once every few generations. They're all about making deals.\nStan: Making deals?\nSatan: Yeah, check it out: \"The Sifter of Fate thrives on tempting mankind. It will always offer a deal in exchange for mercy, but the carnage will be a thousand times worse when the debt comes due.\"\nKyle: Okay, so wait. Now you're saying that someone in our town made a deal with that thing?\nSatan: Now it's here to claim its part of the bargain. It's sort of like when you're part of a gang feuding with a rival gang, you know? You ride around on your horse thinking it won't all catch up with you, but... it always does.\nGore: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?\nSatan: So good, right? [police sirens draw near and stop]\nScene Description: South Park Public Library exterior, night. Yates speaks through a bullhorn while numerous police cars and armed SPPD officers are behind him and a few townspeople observe.\nYates: Attention school shooters! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!\nScene Description: South Park Public Library interior. The boys look out the window before turning around and walk away from the window.\nCartman: Oh Jesus. You gotta tell them, Mr. Gore! Tell them it wasn't us!\nGore: No. They don't listen to me, kids. [walks up to them and genuflects] It's up to you young people now. [takes off his medallion...] You have to find a way to get people to take this cereal. [...and puts it on Kyle. He then puts his cape on Stan] You must convince people there's a ManBearPig, which Satan told you is a Fate Sifter demon that made a deal with someone in this town!\nStan: That's gonna be impossible!\nGore: Yeah, sounds really hard, doesn't it? People might not believe you and like, make fun of you and stuff. Poor you guys, huh? [the boys turn and walk out, heads down.]\nScene Description: South Park Public Library exterior, night. The boys walk out to the steps of the library and stop in place with their hands up.\nOfficer 5: They're coming out!\nFemale Officer: Hands where we can see 'em!\nStan: Everyone, listen! ManBearPig is real! It's a demon that thrives on making deals to exploit mankind's weaknesses. I am super-duper cereal.[a few of the townspeople move in closer behind the officers to listen] We all have to work together, you guys. This one time. We have to all put our pride aside and be willing to say, maybe we were wrong.\nYates: [Approaches from the side behind the boys] All right, lock these little fuckers up! [four officers, one for each boy, come up from the other side and cuff them]\nKyle: No! You can't! [other officers come in and deal with the boys]\nYates: [leaving] That's it, gentlemen! Case closed. Now I've got a Goddamned stagecoach to rob in Scarlett Meadows!\nOfficer 6: Well done, sir! [he and Yates high-five each other in passing]\nStan: No! Nooo!\nScene Description: The arrest is aired on News 4. Kyle and Stan are put into the back seat\nStan: Please! Somebody made a deal with ManBearPig! We have to find out who!\nScene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community. Commons area. Marvin Marsh and other residents are watching the events unfold on TV.\nMarvin: [looking at the newscast] Billy... What have I done?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Bright music plays as a couple leaves Jared's, the Galleria of Jewelry\nWife: [emotional] Oh my gosh! Oh, honey! I can't believe you went to Jared!\nHusband: This is a new beginning for us, darling. I'm just so excited for our future. [ManBearPig leaps in out of nowhere and mangles him to bits]\nScene Description: Gameplay of Red Dead Redemption 2 is shown on a television set up next to a cup of pens and pencils.\nOfficer Jenkins: [Off screen] Oh yeah! Take that, cop! You want some too, sheriff?! Yeah! There you go, bitch! Another dead cop! [The back of the player is now shown, with the television and a PS4 set up on an office desk] And another one! Yeah! You want some too, copper?! [the player is revealed to be a desk officer inside South Park Police Department.] You want a piece of this, you god damn pigs?!\nScene Description: South Park Police Department, holding cells. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are hanging onto the cell door while Kenny is laying down on a cot. Officer Jenkins is a few feet away from them, playing RDR2.\nStan: Officer, you have to let us out of here! We don't have much time!\nJenkins: Yeah, that's the last cop. Let's get out of here!\nStan: Sir, you have to listen to us. ManBearPig is real.\nJenkins: [Reclines back and puts his legs up on the desk] Oh God. Here we go again. \"We gotta stop ManBearPig! We gotta take it serious!\"\nKyle: But we do! ManBearPig is gonna kill everyone, and he's not gonna stop!\nJenkins: Oh, well then I guess I don't have to do anything about it.\nCartman: Can you get off your god damn video game for five fucking seconds so we can have a conversation?!\nStan: [leaves the cell door] Where the hell is Al Gore? Why isn't he coming for us?\nKyle: [walks up] Nobody's coming for us, Stan. They think we're murderers.\nCartman: And that's why we have to break out of here ourselves. [turns to the cop] Excuse me? Officer?\nJenkins: Shut up! I don't wanna hear anything about ManBearPig and how we're all doomed.\nCartman: No, it's not that. It's just...I noticed you're still riding your horse all the way back to camp.\nJenkins: [turns his head to face Cartman] Yeah. Trains and stagecoaches don't go to my camp.[turns back to the video game]\nCartman: No, they don't, but... you can use cinematic mode to make it easier on yourself.\nJenkins: [stops, then looks at him, startled, then sits up] What the hell are you talking about?\nScene Description: South Park Community Center, evening. Several corpses lie on the ground, and a couple of small fires blaze nearby as an ambulance rushes by. Inside, Hugh is standing on a stage, next to a projection screen, as he prepares to speak to the audience.\nHugh: All right, everyone. I realize a lot of people have died and most of the roads have been destroyed due to all the fires, so I'd like to thank you all for coming to tonight's symposium, \"When Should I Start To Worry?\" [On the projection screen, a picture of a blonde haired woman is shown pondering with her chin in her hand, along with the caption, \"When should I start to worry?\"] I'd like to make this an open discussion and hope we can all participate in ways that give us better insight. Yes, Mr. Clarkson?\nMr. Clarkson: [Stands up] I'm pretty sure there's a ManBearPig and I'm fairly certain that he has eaten two of my children and destroyed our home. When should I start to worry? [sits down]\nHugh: That's an excellent question. There's definitely evidence that all the death and destruction around us is due to a ManBearPig.\nTownsman: [stands up and interjects] But no exact correlation to a ManBearPig!\nHugh: Definitely not, and that's why we're all here, to pinpoint, \"When Should I Start To Worry?\"\nStephen: [stands up]I think that the time to start worrying is coming. I don't know if I believe in ManBearPig or not, but I do know that I'm open to the idea of starting to worry. [he gets some applause and then sits down]\nHugh: I think Stephen echoes a lot of our feelings right now.\nScene Description: South Park Community Center, interior entrance. Satan bursts through the closed doors, creating a massive hole in the wall and then flings chairs everywhere, as people run away from him\nSatan: Rroooowwwwwrrrrr!! [grabs a man by the collar] Foolish mortals! Your time is nigh! Face your end!\nMr. Clarkson: [raises a hand and stands up] Um, it looks like Satan is here. Should I start to worry? [he gets some applause and then sits down]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is trying to get inside. He rattles the doorknob a couple of times and then bangs on the door. Randy answers\nRandy: [looks around and then looks down in shock] Stan?!\nStan: We broke out of jail, Dad.\nRandy: Come on. Get out of sight. [Stan goes in, Randy closes the door]\nStan: Cartman tricked the guards. We all ran home to be with our parents. Where's mom?\nRandy: Your mom's been out trying to find you a lawyer and a therapist. We've been doing all we can!\nStan: Dad, that thing we saw take Ned? It was ManBearPig. It was real!\nRandy: What are you talking about? It was just a bear.\nStan: No, Dad. It's... [notices his dad's eyes switching back and forth from him to the TV] Why do you keep looking at the TV?\nRandy: What? Why? I dunno? What?\nStan: [walks over to get a better look, then steps back, grabs the controller, and looks at Randy] You've been playing Red Dead Redemption?!\nRandy: A little bit. I mean... when I'm not doing all this stuff for you\nStan: I thought you were working on getting me out!\nRandy: Sorry, I needed a little break!\nStan: You're all the way to St. Denis?! That's like 40 hours of gameplay! How could you uh! Are you high right now?!\nRandy: I'm a little high, yes!\nStan: Oh my God!\nRandy: Oh what?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I need to decompress with all this shit going on!\nStan: I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!\nRandy: [gets in his face] Well at least I'm not a school shooter!\nStan: [walks up to him] It wasn't me! It was a demon named ManBearPig! [gives him the controller]\nRandy: Oh whatever! [goes to the sofa and sits down, and begins playing] \"ManBearPig! ManBearPig!\" You sound like your freakin' grandpa!\nStan: Yeah, because I learned a lot about-! [stops himself] Whoa whoa, what are you talking about I sound like Grandpa?\nRandy: He had been talking about ManBearPig comin' since I was fuckin' 14. Nothin' new.\nStan: [turns away] Someone made a deal with it... a long time ago.\nRandy: Do you know how to craft stamina tonics? [Stan glares back at Randy]\nScene Description: The Broflovski Residence, night. Kyle comes in from the backyard through the sliding door. The house is dark, so he looks around carefully\nKyle: Mom? [goes to the living room] Dad? [walks upstairs to the master bedroom, opens the door, and looks in, then closes it. He goes to his room and sits on his bed. He looks up] I don't know if you can hear me. I-I feel so alone right now. I-I feel like the whole world is falling apart and somehow I'm supposed to do something but... I don't know what that is anymore. [the window lights up]\nGore: [a ghostly image on the window] Fear not. Do not give up on yourself. You must keep believing.\nKyle: Mr. Gore? Where have you been?!\nGore: It's me. Al Gore.\nKyle: Yeah. Where have you been?!\nGore: You cannot lose faith, my child, even though everyone is ripping on you. Even though they don't believe you and they're saying you're just seeking attention because you lost the Presidency. You have to be strong!\nKyle: Well what happened to you? Are you dead or something?\nGore: No! not dead! Just merely using a flashlight on the glass to apply the Pepper's ghost technique.\nKyle: What, what? [turns around] Oh, god damn it. [Gore turns off the flashlight and turns on the bedroom light]\nGore: You see my point? Things aren't always as they appear. You have to stay strong, my little crusader.\nKyle: I can't do this alone. I need help.\nGore: I did, too. Didn't get it.\nKyle: What more do you want from me?? I've atoned for my mistake. I'm sorry that we were getting a lot of different information at the time. You know, even you were wrong about a lot of the things you said would happen a-\nGore: [puts his hand to his ear] What's that?\nKyle: Nothing. I didn't mean-\nGore: See you later, alligator. [turns and walks out.]\nKyle: [gives chase] No, no, no, no! I'm sorry! [follows him down the stairs] I am sorry, please! I'm cereal! Ah, I didn't mean to say you were wrong, just that some of your predictions didn't happen-\nGore: Oh yeah, you're real cereal. [they reach the front door. Gore opens it and is about to step out]\nKyle: Please, please, please! [Gore turns to look at him] I'll do anything! I just want everyone to be safe!\nGore: All I was doing was trying to be your mentor. You know who my mentor was? Me! Al Gore!\nScene Description: Outside the doorway, a chiming sound is heard as the spirit version of Al Gores fades in and stands on the sidewalk\nSpirit Gore: Hello, Al Gore.\nGore: [gasps as he looks at his spirit] It's him! Just in time, too. Thanks for coming in my time of crisis, Al Gore! [closes the door. Kyle just stands there looking at it.]\nScene Description: Jared, day. The building is covered with blood and police tape and has damaged windows. There are several bodies scattered all over the place. One officer puts up roadblocks, another takes notes. In the background, Yates surveys the damage with other officers and a group of forensic scientist in lab coats.\nOfficer 7: Sorry to call you down, sir, but this is a bad one.\nYates: Oh no, that's fine. [takes out a pack of cigarettes and taps it on his wrist. He then pulls one out and returns the pack to his shirt pocket.] I finally arrest four school shooters and can play some Red Dead Redemption, and then I get a call about another school shooting. [takes out a lighter and lights up his cigarette.]\nOfficer 7: This one really doesn't look like a school shooting, sir. Five different witnesses say it was definitely... ManBearPig.\nYates: God damn it! There's no such thing as a ManBearPig! [The scientists and officers stop examining the scene and look at Yates] You got that?? We're working with facts here, not goofball theories!\nOfficer 7: Yea, but sir, all the forensic scientists say there are bear and pig footprints-\nYates: Fuck scientists! [The scientists and officers stop again and look at Yates] Why are you trying to figure out what's going with scientists?! The only thing I want to know is who committed this school shooting, since our school-shooting suspects are in jail!\nOfficer 1: Detective! [runs into view] Detective, we just got word from the station. The four shooting suspects broke out a while ago.\nYates: Oh well, there you go! It was them again! Gee, I didn't need any freakin' scientists to figure that out, did I?! Get 'em outta here! [the forensic scientists are escorted away] Now how the fuck did those kids break out of my jail?!\nOfficer 1: Jenkins said they tricked him. Said they could show him a way to fast-travel in Red Dead Redemption by upgrading his camp, and then they just took off.\nYates: [in a low voice] There's a way to fast-travel if you upgrade your camp? [thinks a moment] Jesus... [puts his hand on the back of the officer and then looks around as they take a few steps forward] You'd better start from the beginning.\nScene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, exterior. evening\nScene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, interior. Commons area. A group of elderly residents are sitting down and watching the news on the television set.\nReporter: [off screen] More damage and destruction today as the death toll rises to the hundreds. [the reporter is now shown, standing in front of a Denny's that is covered in blood and has police tape around it.] Some see this as evidence ManBearPig might be real, while others say ManBearPig is a fabrication for political gains- [ManBearPig comes up from behind and attacks the reporter. Marvin Marsh is focused on the report]\nStan: [off screen] Grandpa?! [Marvin sits up with his jaw dropped as Stan comes into view a few feet behind him.] What did you do?\nMarvin: Oh, Billy. [chuckles] My grandson come to visit.\nStan: This isn't the first time ManBearPig has shown up, is it?! What happened?!\nMarvin: Billy, I have Alzheimer's. I don't even remember what happened this morning.\nStan: Cut the shit, Grandpa! You people knew! You made a deal with that thing!\nMargaret: We thought we'd be dead by now. We didn't think we'd have to live to see the consequences.\nMarvin: Aw, great! Just tell the whole world, Margaret! [zips past her in his wheelchair]\nStan: [follows him down the dorm hallway] Why did you old people make a deal?!\nMarvin: We had a right to be happy too, you know?!\nStan: And you just signed away the future?!\nMarvin: We didn't want to have to give the demon his stuff back!\nStan: What stuff?!\nMarvin: All our cars [turns his wheelchair around], and premium boutique ice cream.\nStan: You couldn't control yourselves, so now that thing is here to kill all of us! Good fuckin' job, Grandpa!\nScene Description: Broflovski Residence, backyard, night. Cartman and Kenny pound on the sliding door. Kyle opens up\nCartman: Kyle, come on. We've gotta go.\nKyle: Go where?\nCartman: I had a vision, Kyle. Al Gore's ghost visited me.\nKyle: Al Gore isn't dead.\nCartman: Well his ghost visited me, Kyle. He said he had a plan, and we needed to go. Are you in or not?\nKenny: (Yeah, are you in or not?) [Kyle stays silent]\nScene Description: The woods, night. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk through it in the dark. Cartman has the flashlight\nKyle: We shouldn't be out here. We're wanted by the police. [some growling and howling is heard, with the sound of cracking branches]\nCartman: Shhh. What was that?\nKenny: (Sounds like a fuckin' werewolf!)\nCartman: This is where Al Gore told me to go. [more growling is heard as Cartman moves his flashlight around]\nKenny: (What the fuck is that?!) [points to something. Satan jumps into the beam of light with a display of might]\nKyle: It's Satan.\nCartman: What are you doing here, Satan?\nSatan: I was told to come here by the spirit of Al Gore.\nCartman: Us too. But why? [The spirit of Al Gore suddenly appears and floats next to Kyle]\nSpirit Gore: Remember... even though I am gone, you must still work together.\nKyle: Work together how??\nSpirit Gore: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the ones who are actually cereal. [to the others] You cannot lose hope. There is still much you need to know.\nScene Description: The Yates house. Harrison arrives and is about to open his front door when he hears a shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse. He then knows what's going on.\nYates: Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down] You bitch! [Maggie squeals in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!\nMaggie: [angrily] So what of it?!\nYates: What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!\nMaggie: No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!\nYates: What are you talking about?!\nMaggie: See for yourself. [puts the game controller in his hand] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new too! [walks behind Yates to his left side, as he begins to check out the stats] I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! [walks behind Yates to his right side]I built a house with John Marston! I'm helpin' his family now!\nYates: [steps forward and presses some buttons] You fucking slut!\nMaggie: [turns and points her finger into Yates' face]That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! [walks behind Yates to his left side] A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's that you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!\nYates: Don't you talk to me like that!\nMaggie: I'll talk however I want! [walks behind Yates to his right side] I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals! [crosses her arms over her chest]\nYates: Found them where?!\nMaggie: I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room]\nYates: Maggie! [breaks down onto his knees and weeps] Nwaaahahahahaha...\nScene Description: In the woods at night, Spirit Gore has been speaking to the boys and Satan\nGore: And in conclusion, let me just say that you are the future. You cannot give up hope. I brought you all together because I believe in you.\nScene Description: The boys and Satan are sitting on a log. Satan looks rather bored while the boys try to understand what Spirit Gore is saying.\nCartman: Okay, but what do you want us to-?\nSpirit Gore: And sometimes, believing is all that we need to be cereal. [disappears. Suddenly, a set of end credits roll in his place with Al Gore credited for everything, showing that this was pre-taped]\nKyle: Credits? [some clapping is heard. The boys turn around and see Al Gore by a movie projector]\nGore: Did you guys like my movie?\nCartman: What are you doing?\nGore: Exactly. I'm trying to get you to ask \"What would Al Gore do?\"\nSpirit Gore: Make a movie starring you.\nGore: Yes, to get you all to not give up. To get you to fight!\nSatan: [to Gore as he walks away from the log] You don't understand. There is no fight. [turns to the boys] A deal was made. We do not know by whom. But this demon has grown stronger, and no mortal can do anything to stop it.\nCartman: [gets off the log] No mortal. But what about you?\nSatan: Why would I help mankind?\nCartman: Satan, come on. Are you really gonna stand there and not say you appreciate all the nice things humans have done for you lately? I mean, not sure if you've noticed, but we're pretty much doing things your way up here\nSatan: [turns around again and contemplates] I... must admit, people up here on Earth have been doing a lot of my work for me lately. Maybe... maybe it is time I did something for them.\nScene Description: A picture frame is shown, being held up by a pair of small hands. Inside, a picture of a younger Marvin Marsh, smiling and sitting in the driver's seat of a 1978 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and holding a triple scoop of ice cream in his left hand.\nMarvin: [off screen] We were all young and foolish back then, Billy. We didn't think about the future. We just wanted things. [Stan is the one holding the picture while Marvin is looking out the window in his room] This creature shows up, and it seemed like a good deal for everyone in town.\nStan: [puts the frame down and turns to Marvin] You didn't stop to think about what it would mean for us?\nMarvin: [turns his wheelchair around to face Stan] Aw Billy, it's not that simple. We thought about it. But our town was so tiny back then. We just, we wanted nice things other people had.\nStan: And you didn't give two shits what it would mean for your grandchildren.\nMarvin: I didn't think I'd have grandkids. I didn't even want children. That's why I always came on Gram Gram's tits.\nStan: [closes his eyes] Aaaah.\nMarvin: But then, one night, I'm having sex with your grandma, and she sticks her finger in my ass. She had sometimes licked my ass before, [Stan looks at him in disbelief] but this was the first time she used her finger, and I came inside her like that. [slaps his left hand with his right] I pulled out and your grandma was like \"Did you just come in me?\", and I was like \"Well, you stuck your finger in my ass.\" And that's basically why you're here, Billy.\nStan: This is supposed to make me feel better?\nMarvin: I'm just saying that I wasn't thinking about the future because your father was supposed to be nothing but dried-up crust on Gram Gram's titties.\nStan: You... people... made a deal with ManBearPig! How?! Where?!\nMarvin: It doesn't matter, Billy. It's too late now.\nStan: Tell me how the deal happened so that I can try to make it go away!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, night. People are running all over the place and screaming. ManBearPig chases after them.\nTownsman 2: [running] No! No! [ManBearPig catches him, tears into him, and bites into his back]\nSatan: [offscreen] ManBearPig! [approaches ManBearPig slowly, deliberately, like a sheriff in the Old West. He roars. ManBearPig roars back and faces Satan. They run at each other. ManBearPig leaps onto a car and swipes at Satan, sending him to the ground. The impact sets off car alarms. Satan gets up and turns around. They run at each other again. ManBearPig throws Satan into a building, but Satan bounces right back. They grapple for a few seconds, but ManBearPig grabs Satan's left horn and rips it off] Aaaargh!!! [ManBearPig drives the horn into Satan's chest] Aaaaarch!!! [ManBearPig grabs Satan and throws him to the ground, then punches him a few times. ManBearPig delivers one last left hook and runs away. Satan coughs as townspeople gather around. The boys run up just in time to see him die]\nKyle: Satan!\nSatan: [weakly] H-hey. Hey kids. [coughs] I'm sorry.\nKyle: [he and the other boys are starting to tear up] No. Satan, you can't die.\nSatan: Everyone dies. I just wish I could have helped you. [coughs again] Oh God, it hurts.\nCartman: We can't do this without you, Satan.\nSatan: You have to. You have to keep trying.\nKyle: If you can't stop ManBearPig, how can we be-??\nSatan: You have to keep trying!! [coughs] You... have to believe. [grunts and then finally succumbs to his injuries]\nKenny: (No...)\nTownsman 3: Satan's dead. [a bell tolls]\nKyle: Come back. Come back. [a light appears around Satan's body, and his spirit rises from it. As he rises to Heaven, a small bell tolls and he gets angel wings and a halo.]\nSatan: [softly] Goodbye.\nKyle: [tears streaming from his face] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.\nScene Description: A new show appears on TV\nHugh: And now, on Park County Public access, \"Should We Start To Worry?\" with your host, Jim Kimble.\nJim: As our town continues to burn to the ground, Satan has been slaughtered and sent to Heaven. Should we start to worry? Joining me now, an expert on our county resources and preparedness, Alec Vaughn. Alec, should we start to worry?\nAlec: Jim, I think we should definitely consider starting to worry. Satan was one of the most powerful entities, supposedly, in the universe, and ManBearPig annihilated him like a bitch. I don't think we should waste any more time underestimating the importance of beginning to think about starting to worry.\nJim: Also joining us is the former Vice-President, Al Gore. Mr. Gore, do you think it's time for us to deliberate the process of starting to worry?\nSpirit Gore: If by worrying you mean getting cereal, then an empathic \"YES.\"\nGuest: I don't think there's any more room for not considering underestimating the importance of beginning to start the process of mulling over the conceptualization of starting to worry. And the time to do it is... very soon.\nGore: [walks behind the host's chair] Hey, what are you doing?\nSpirit Gore: I'm being a spiritual mentor. These people are depending on me.\nGore: No, they're depending on me! I'm depending on you, goofball!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, exterior, night. Two mangled bodies lay on the sidewalk as a flaming car with people screaming inside rolls by. Faint sirens are heard nearby\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, 4th grade classroom. Kyle looks down from a classroom window. Cartman and Kenny sit at their desks in the empty classroom.\nKyle: [leaves the window] All right, looks like we're clear.\nCartman: I can't believe it's the weekend, and I'm at school!\nKyle: This is the best place to hide.\nCartman: Why? Of all the places we could hide, why do I have to sit here in school?!\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nKyle: Where's the last place anyone would think we would hide? The scene of our supposed crime, dummies! We're safe here.\nCartman: I'd rather be in jail than at school. [the doorknob sounds]\nKenny: (Oh shit!)\nStan: [opens the door and looks in] Guys? Guys!\nKyle: Stan!\nStan: Guys, thank God! Just stay right there, Grandpa! [Marvin sits in his wheelchair in the middle of the school hallway, looking bitter] I know all about the deal. I know what we have to do.\nKyle: How'd you find us here?\nStan: I figured you guys would be hiding somewhere. This is the first place I thought to look.\nKenny: [arms folded] (Uh huh!)\nCartman: Yeah, I guess we're dummies, huh Kenny?\nKenny: (Yeah, I guess we're dummies.)\nStan: Guys, listen: my stupid grandpa and a bunch of other old people made the deal with ManBearPig. It's here because of their greediness.\nMarvin: [from the hallway] Everyone's greedy!\nStan: Shut up, Grandpa! I know where to go, but I need your help. I'm going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal.\nCartman: Are you crazy? We just saw ManBearPig take down Satan. What the hell are we supposed to do against it?\nStan: We have to try. [police sirens are heard approaching]\nOfficer 8: Attention school shooters... again. [the boys head to the window and look out through it]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, exterior, night. A group of armed SPPD officers stand outside the school. A few townspeople stop to observe.\nOfficer 8: We have you surrounded... again. Come out with your hands up!\nCartman: [Looking at Kyle who is peaking through the window blinds] We just sat in school... for nothing!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, front entrance, night. A spotlight is pointed to the front entrance doors. The boys soon come out with Marvin\nStan: Listen! We know what to do now!\nOfficer 8: Drop to the ground and put your hands on your heads!\nStan: No! I need to face ManBearPig!\nOfficer 8: We have orders! You're coming with us!\nYates: Belay those orders! [the officers look left. Yates approaches the boys and Marvin. He then paces back and forth in front of the spotlight.] I've been a fool, denying ManBearPig's existence, and I didn't realize it till I went home. My wife... had started a new life without me.. I wanted to give up, but instead, I robbed a bank at St. Denis and a went to an island north of Cuba. [the townspeople look at each other] After I came back, that's when it all caught up with me. All the stagecoaches I had robbed, all the horses I had stole, for what?! [the police officers are shown listening to Yates] We're nothing if we don't believe in each other! And Goddamnit, it's never too late to start trying to do the right thing. You think you know what that is, boys?\nStan: Yes I do. We're going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal once and for all.\nScene Description: A courtroom office, day. A lawyer has paperwork set out for the boys to sign\nLawyer: Okay, [lifts up some pages in the packet and highlights some lines] sign here and here. [hands the paperwork to Stan] These documents state merely that you've been granted power of attorney by your town and that you wish to attempt to void the current agreement.\nStan: 'Kay.\nLawyer: Since this is a renegotiation, [highlights more text on another set of documents] you agree that ManBearPig has right to compensation for termination, and you will give up all rights to specified assets. [hands the paperwork to Stan]\nStan: Yes. Yes, we agree to give back cars and ice cream. [ManBearPig grumbles off screen]\nLawyer: Uh, let me confer with my client. [ManBearPig is now shown sitting next to the lawyer, wearing a business suit and grunts quietly] Uh huh. Got it. Yes. My client says that he- [ManBearPig grunts quietly] 'Kay. [ManBearPig grunts some more] Uh, mm-hmm. ManBearPig has no interest in you giving up cars and ice cream.\nKyle: Well, what's he want everyone to give up?\nScene Description: The Park County Courthouse, exterior, day. A large crowd awaits the results of the negotiation\nTownsman 4: There! There he is! There he is!\nTownsman 5: Is it over?!\nStan: [speaking from an open window on the upper floor] Um, he says he'll never come back again, but... we have to give up soy sauce and Red Dead Redemption 2.\nAll: ...Ohhhhh.\nTownsman 6: ...Just plain rice?\nStan: ...Yeah, that's what I thought. [goes back to the table] Um, could we possibly talk about restructuring a new deal?\nMarvin: [off screen] Uh huh! Uh huh! [sitting at the edge of the table]\nStan: No, no. Just like, um, can we do, like, a renegotiation?\nLawyer: All right, sign here and here [lifts up some of the pages on a new set of documents and highlights some text] that you are entering a renegotiation with ManBearPig. [hands the paperwork to Stan]\nStan: Where do I sign that?\nLawyer: Right there.\nStan: Okay.\nMarvin: Yeah, I thought so. [the camera zooms out to show a wider angle of the room]\nStan: Shut up, Grandpa!\nScene Description: The Park County Courthouse, exterior, day. the camera continues to zoom out and shows more of the crowd waiting outside while the parties continue to negotiate off screen.\nLawyer: And sign here that ManBearPig has rights to the lives of all the children in Third World countries.\nStan: 'Key, got it.\nLawyer: And you agree to ignore ManBearPig until he returns in five years, in which time the carnage will be a thousand-fold.\nStan: 'Kay, where do I sign that?"}
{"text": "Scene Description: A very blurry image appears onscreen, but it begins to sharpen ever so slowly... It's Cartman, thinking back over the season's events.\nCartman: I don't know where to start. First, it was all the school shootings, then these Wi-Fi scooters showed up, and now we know that ManBearPig is real and we could all be dead in a matter of years.\nDoctor: [slowly] And you believe this all relates somehow to the movie Black Panther not being as good as everyone says it was?\nCartman: I know there's a connection. But that isn't what matters. I can't deal with people anymore. It's just... everyone sucks so hard, you know? Everybody is so stupid. And they all walk around going \"Nya na chai cha nyachacha chai cha.\" And the only thing that makes me happy, the only thing I can trust... is this. [holds up his phone] But... all people do is try to keep me from it. [memories show up onscreen.]\nScene Description: Cartman's Bedroom. He is reclining back with his legs on top of his computer desk, smiling...while playing with his phone. Liane stops by and opens the door.\nCartman: I'll be in my room and my mom will come in and say...\nLiane: [Cartman imitates her]\"Eric, that's enough time on your phone!\" [she leaves as Cartman frowns, then lowers his eyelids]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, forth grade classroom. Cartman is on his phone again, smiling, while Mrs. Nelson has some multiplication problems written on the chalkboard.\nCartman: And then at school...\nMrs. Nelson: [Cartman imitates her] \"Eric!\" [he stops looking at his phone as Mrs. Nelson addresses him] \"What are you doing? You can't use your phone at school!\" [Cartman begins to frown again]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. Some of the forth grade boys are playing football and trying to block each other. Cartman is on his phone again, smiling and holding the football, with his back turned towards the game.\nCartman: And even my friends. My own friends! They'll be like...\nStan: [Cartman imitates him] \"Hey Cartman! Throw us the ball. You're the goddamn quarterback!\" [Cartman droops]\nScene Description: Doctor's office. Cartman is back on the chair.\nCartman: It's like, everybody needs something from me. All I want is a little time with my phone instead of always listening to people's needy bullshit. [a second or two of silence, then Cartman looks over and sees the doctor playing with his own phone.]\nDoctor: Oh ahh, d'ya, sorry. Just... [puts his phone away] Uh, well, you know, young people have so much to deal with today. I believe that what you have is... anxiety.\nCartman: Anxiety? Is that cool?\nDoctor: It's pretty common these days. What it really is, more than anything is an excuse to be lazy and lame to everyone around you.\nCartman: [sits up] Oh my God, that's perfect!\nScene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's playing on his smartphone when a call comes in on the school's intercom\nPC Principal: I'm busy. [the intercom beeps again]\nMs. Blaze: Mr. Principal?\nPC Principal: I'm busy doing stuff! [beep] What?!\nMs. Blaze: The vice principal needs to speak with you. She says it's urgent. [PC Principal sighs]\nScene Description: The Vice Principal's office. PC Principal arrives there looking around\nMr. Mackey: [surprising him] Oh, PC Principal!\nPC Principal: Uh-uh yes?\nMr. Mackey: Are you going in to see the vice principal? I really need to speak with her.\nPC Principal: Uh yeah, we just uh, we're having an important scheduling to go over.\nMr. Mackey: Everything is okay with you two? There's no more \"inappropriate behavior\"? You know, as a counselor, I'm here to-\nPC Principal: That's in the past, Mackey! We've paid our dues, and we're not hiding anything anymore.\nMr. Mackey: Mmm-m'kay. [turns left and continues on his way. PC Principal turns around and opens the door, then goes in]\nScene Description: The Vice Principal's office, inside. The office is a nursery and the PC babies are throwing stuff around and crying.\nStrong Woman: [frustrated] I could use a little help here!\nPC Principal: What's going on??\nStrong Woman: Riley said a word her sister felt was insensitive to Muslims. Now they're all upset.\nPC Principal: All right, what word did you use, Riley?!\nStrong Woman: She just said \"Aba daba.\"\nPC Principal: Look, can't we put them in a daycare?\nStrong Woman: Oh, yeah. That would be really smart. If anybody sees them, they're gonna figure out you're the father.\nPC Principal: Well maybe they won't!\nStrong Woman: You wanna risk that? The babies have to stay hidden because if people know the truth, then you're not PC and I'm not strong! [she leaves the office, looking both ways before closing the door]\nScene Description: A restaurant, day. Cartman is at a table waiting for service, but also on his phone tapping away\nWaiter: [arrives, smiling] All right, can I take your order? [Cartman ignores him until he speaks again] Excuse me. [Cartman puts his hand up for a moment] What would you like, sir?\nCartman: Just a God- can you wait?! Isn't that your job?! Aren't you a wait-er?! [the waiter walks away, eyeing him. Cartman starts a video game. The noise from the game eventually catches the attention of a nearby diner]\nDiner: Hey, could you turn your phone down, kid? This is a restaurant.\nCartman: It just so happens I have anxiety! That means I have trouble being around assholes who won't leave me alone! [leaves his chair]\nScene Description: The streets downtown. Cartman walks down a sidewalk when a cyclist whizzes past him and rings the bike's bell. He looks but lets it go and continues walking. He crosses an intersection. He then approaches Tele's, where the owner is sweeping the front entrance and then notices Cartman.\nTele's owner: Oh, hello, Eric.\nCartman: Shut up. I have anxiety. [approaches another intersection when an elderly man tries to get his attention]\nPedestrian: Hey kid! [Cartman is visibly annoyed] Hey kid!\nCartman: [turns around and yells out in anger] I'm on my phone!!\nPedestrian: You're about to get hit by a car! [a car goes by behind Cartman]\nCartman: [just angered] All right, that's it! Everyone stop! Just fucking stop right now! [traffic stops moving and everyone stops to listen] Listen up, people! I have anxiety! That means I'm in my shell and have a hard time expressing myself! I find it difficult to engage with others! So everyone shut the fuck up because my anxiety is up here right now!\nScene Description: A commercial. Zen music plays as the camera pans down to a Buddha statue in a garden complete with waterfall\nAnnouncer: We live in a world of many distractions. It's hard to find peace.\nScene Description: A woman sits alone on a park bench on a sidewalk, looking at her phone. She then notices people all around her are looking at their phones as well\nAnnouncer: In the hustle and bustle of modern times, we've lost the one thing we all need. [The scene freezes with the woman now smiling and the caption, \"More quality one-on-one time with our phone\" appears next to her]. More quality one-on-one time with our phone.\nScene Description: A blonde female pulls up a cardboard box from the bottom of the screen and holds it up, revealing it to be the Buddha Box.\nAnnouncer: But now you can have it with Buddha Box. [a cardboard box with a \"DO NOT DISTURB\" sticker on the front, a drawing of Buddha above the product name \"Buddha Box\" and an antenna on the side. The woman proceeds to put it over her head] Simply fit the patented box on your head and set its Bluetooth to your mobile device.\nScene Description: A 3D rendered model of the Buddha Box with its internal workings is shown, along with the captions \"FRONT PROJECTION 4K SCREEN\", \"CELLULAR ANTENNA\" and \"NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES\"\nAnnouncer: Inside Buddha Box, your phone is projected two inches from your face, and the noise-canceling headphones let you hear your phone without any outside noise, giving you peace from...\nScene Description: Inside a car that is stuck in traffic, an Uber driver is talking non-stop while a businessman in the backseat is visibly annoyed.\nAnnouncer: That annoying Uber driver who wants to talk. [the businessman puts the Buddha Box over his head while the driver doesn't seem notice.]\nScene Description: A business office. A female office worker is at her cubicle and using her smartphone. A male co-worker starts to approach her.\nAnnouncer: Those people at work who act like they need stuff. [As the co-worker is about to speak to her, she notices and immediately puts the Buddha Box over head and goes back to her phone]\nScene Description: A living room. A blonde male turns and looks into the camera as his three kids run around the room, playing with toy swords and a rocket and then jump on the couch.\nMan: I want to be enlightened, like the Buddha, but I've got these fucking kids.\nScene Description: A family dining room. The blonde male has the Buddha Box over his head and plays with his phone, while his wife desperately tries to calm the kids down.\nAnnouncer: Let Buddha Box take you to a place of peace and serenity, [the man is transported from the dining room to a heavenly atmosphere, floating above the clouds...while still looking at his phone] where you can have quality, uninterrupted time with your phone.\nScene Description: A bedroom. A woman is sitting on her bed and removes the Buddha Box from her head.\nWoman: I was stressed out and feeling anxious. After just 8 to 10 hours in Buddha Box, I feel refreshed and ready to take on anything.\nScene Description: The woman's husband appears by the door and leans in to talk to her.\nHusband: Babe, can you please come say hi to my mother while she's here? [she just reaches over and drops the Buddha Box on her head and picks up her phone]\nAnnouncer: [The Buddha Box is shown rotating as it approaches the center of the screen] Order Buddha Box today and you too can have that quiet, quality time with your phone. Like... the Buddha. [The Buddha Box logo is shown. Suddenly it has a Buddha Box over its head and a phone in its hands]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman stands in the hallway with his Buddha Box on. Kevin walks past him, staring. Kyle and Stan walk around the corner and stop when they reach him\nKyle: What the hell is that?\nStan: I think it's Cartman.\nKyle: What is it doing?\nScene Description: Inside the Buddha Box. A close up of Cartman's face is shown, along with reflections from his iPhone screen, though they are all reversed.\nCartman: [out loud, but the Buddha Box is soundproof, so no one else can hear him] Ha! That's so sweet! [A Youtube page with an image of a guy covered in pasta titled \"Guy hit by pasta!\" and has 67,453 views] That video seriously made me laugh! [closes the app and returns to the iPhone home screen] Let me check my e-mail again! [opens an email app] Oh man, nothing from Lorenz yet? Whatever. Weak.[returns to the iPhone home screen] Oh! I gotta see that post from Clyde again! [goes and opens Instagram. A post from \"ClydeTheMan\" is shown, with a selfie of Clyde smugly looking into the camera. Behind him is Butters, who appears to be unconscious and laying on his back out on the sidewalk. It has the caption, \"Guess who I found? #dead\" and 110 likes. Kyle and Stan stay by Cartman until the bell rings, then they go to class.]\nScene Description: The boys bathroom. Craig is at the urinal. Somehow, Cartman makes his way inside and wanders over to the urinals. He stands right next to Craig and drops through.\nCraig: Dude! [Cartman bumps into him] Dude, what the hell are you doing?!\nCartman: What? What? Who is that?\nCraig: Get off of me!!\nCartman: [raises his Buddha Box] Oh, sorry Craig. Didn't see you there.\nCraig: Yeah, 'cause you got a stupid box on your head! [finishes up, zips up his pants, and flushes the urinal, then walks away]\nCartman: Oh, there's nothing stupid about it. Don't you wish you had a way to deal with your anxiety?\nCraig: [stops, then turns around] My anxiety?\nCartman: I see it in you, Craig. With your parents and relationships? Imagine being able to shut them out for a little while, Craig, so you can focus on what matters. With Buddha Box you can cut out all the unwanted noise. Not have to deal with conversations that are of no interest to you.\nCraig: Well, I have to admit: sometimes, when me and Tweek are together it's... it's like he wants my atten- [Thump. Cartman has lowered his Buddha Box over his head. Craig turns around, dismayed, and walks out. Cartman turns left and steps up to the urinal]\nScene Description: The Fourth Grade classroom, day. The bell rings and Mrs. Nelson walks up to the chalkboard to erase the multiplication problems that were there\nMs. Nelson: All right, children, we have a lot to go over for today's quiz. Who can tell me where we left off? [turns around and notices Cartman wearing his Buddha Box] Eric. [no reaction] Eric Cartman.\nScene Description: Inside the Buddha Box. A close up of Cartman's face is shown, along with reflections from his iPhone screen, though they are all reversed.\nCartman: [looking at the website, \"Thrown Tomatoes\", with a picture and reviews for the movie \"Creed II\"] Thirty-four million dollars box office? How the hell does Creed II do $34 million opening weekend? [begins to flip through his apps] What's the weather like tomorrow? [The weather forecast screen shows it is 22 degrees and sunny in South Park] Oh, it's snowing? I gotta tell Lorenz. I- [as he attempts to access the email app, the Box comes off his head, and the light blinds his eyes] Whoa, whoa! Hey!\nMrs. Nelson: [holding Cartman's Buddha Box] What do you think you're doing?\nCartman: Excuse me, that's my Buddha Box.\nMs. Nelson: You aren't using this during class time.\nCartman: It relaxes me. Ask my therapist. I have anxiety, you dumb bitch! [Mrs. Nelson and the rest of the class gasp at his remark]\nScene Description: The Principal's office. Cartman has earned a trip there for calling his teacher a \"dumb bitch\"\nPC Principal: I don't know what makes you think you're different from everyone else, but nobody gets away with slandering teachers at this school!\nCartman: [to his phone] Uhuh. Aw man, that looks, that looks sweet.\nPC Principal: Hey! [no reaction] HEY! [Cartman peeks out from under the box, then looks at PC Principal]\nCartman: Oh, PC Principal. Hello.\nPC Principal: Just what do you think you're doing?\nCartman: [as Zen music plays] I'm letting go of stress and being calm, like the Buddha.\nPC Principal: There are no boxes on your head in school!\nCartman: Hey. Whoa man, what's going on? Are you suffering from anxiety?\nPC Principal: What are you talking about?\nCartman: It's okay. I have it too. Anxiety is very real. But there is help for people like us.\nScene Description: Strong Woman's living room, day. The PC Babies have taken over it and are causing damage as PC Principal sits on the sofa wearing a Buddha Box. Strong Woman comes in and surveys the damage\nStrong Woman: What the fuck are you doing?! [walks up and removes the Box from his head] Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!\nPC Principal: Oh hey, I just needed to answer a couple of e-mails really fast.\nStrong Woman: With a box on your head?!\nPC Principal: I got one for you, too. [gets off the sofa and gets it to show her] It's Buddha Box. [no reaction] Look, you and I have been having a lot of problems. Clearly, what we both need is more quality one-on-one time with our phones.\nStrong Woman: I don't need a box on my head to use the phone!\nPC Principal: I'm sorry! [takes the box to the sofa and dumps it there] I was trying to be helpful! [gets his Buddha Box and leaves. One of the girls tries to pull a rabbit away from one of her brothers]\nStrong Woman: All right, Riley. Give that back to your brother. [the brother chases Riley. Another brother goes to an end table and pulls the lamp off it, breaking the light bulb] Bailey, no! [a third brother sees some paper wads and begins to chew on one of them] Harper, don't! Har-per! [picks up her phone and starts using it. Then she looks at the Buddha Box and puts it on her head. The babies stop crying and begin to crawl or walk away. They pass by the restroom. Riley stops to open the door to show PC Principal on the toilet, and Harper looks on. They then move out]\nScene Description: Montage. The babies leave the house and wander the town. Bailey sits on a mailbox drop slot. Riley slides off the hood of a car. Harper somehow got on the roof of a building. The other sister walks out of a shop. The kids then take a submarine and ride it in an aquarium with fish and an octopus in it. They study some restrooms and cry over the \"Male Only\" and \"Female Only\" designations. Then, they are shown flying upward into the sky with a rainbow behind them. Next, they're in a children's library as the librarian brings out \"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn\" from the American Classics shelf. The babies cry again. Finally the PC Babies logo comes up\nAll: PC Babies\nLead Singer: They're comin' to your town\nAll: PC Babies\nLead Singer: The wokest kids around When there's something problematic They're sure to let you know. Making things fun and gender-neutral\nAll: Everywhere they go They're everybody's fave-sies They're PC babies, yeah!\nScene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day.\nPatron 1: Hey Mike. What's that you're drinking?\nMike: This? Oh, it's a Cosmopolitan. I know, I know, it's a pussy drink. [some babies are heard crying.]\nPatron 2: [leans in a bit to say] Hey, be careful, guys. There are some PC babies over there. [the three gents approach the babies.]\nMike: Oh great. Come on, I didn't mean pussy drink as in female genitalia. [the babies don't stop] Okay, I'm sorry! I'll order a Black Russian! [babies cry harder]\nBarkeep: Hey, what's all that racket down there?!\nPatron 1: Oh, there's some PC babies upset about certain drink descriptions.\nBarkeep: Fine, we'll take them off the menu.\nPatron 1: Who's makin' a difference? Who's the future? [this brightens the babies' moods as they start to giggle.]\nScene Description: A soccer field, day. The South Park Cows are facing a visiting team. Kyle and Stan kick the ball back and forth until a visiting player intercepts it and drives toward the Cows' net.\nKyle: Here it comes! Block it! [the player kicks the ball towards the net. Cartman stands there oblivious that there's a game going on. The ball goes cleanly into the net. The player smiles as the whistle blows.] What the fuck, dude?!\nToken: What is your goddamn problem?! [he, Kyle, and Stan move towards him]\nCartman: [lifts up his Box] What's going on?\nKyle: They just scored again, you fat fuck!\nCartman: Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm dealing with my anxiety! Do you know how hard it is for people with my condition to come out and even do things like this?! Living with anxiety is awful, huh Craig? [Craig is shown wearing a Buddha Box]\nKyle: Can we get another goalie, please?!\nCartman: Oh yeah! Sure! Yeah, because people with anxiety shouldn't be allowed to play sports! Right, Kyle?! [A Buddha Box sits on Cartman's head.] You know, our world is dark and scary enough without people like you making us feel inferior. [drops his Box over his head again, but lifts it up really quickly.] Asshole! [back down the Box goes]\nToken: Fuck this! [walks off angrily] My parents didn't come here to see their son lose by 20 points! Come on, Dad. Let's go! [his anger vanishes] Dad? [Steve Black and a few other parents in the stands are wearing their own Buddha Box]\nScene Description: Downtown, day. PC Principal drives Strong Woman through town searching for the babies\nStrong Woman: River?? Bailey?! Emory?!\nPC Principal: It's okay. We're gonna find them.\nStrong Woman: I can't believe you were on your phone!\nPC Principal: You were on your phone too!\nStrong Woman: It was my time to be on the phone! You were on yours all morning!\nPC Principal: You're seriously gonna make this all my fault?!\nStrong Woman: Yes!\nPC Principal: Because last time I checked, you didn't even want me around as a partner to the PC Babies, even though I-\nStrong Woman: [rolls her eyes] Oh God, I'm not doing this again.\nPC Principal: Even though you need me to do shit for you every [Strong Woman drops her Box over her head] 10 fuckin' minutes! You don't get to just say whatever you- [notices she's no longer listening] Oh. Okay, cool. Fine with me! I'm the one who has a fuckin' problem on their fuckin' phone! [looks at the scenery for a few seconds] You know, usually, I'm afraid to tell you what I really think, but you wanna know something? [looks over] You wanna- you wanna know what I really think? [at no point did Strong Woman remove her Box, and he just drops it.]\nScene Description: The Park County Recreation Center, day. The doctor is seated with several couples who need help - Tweek and Craig, Liane and Cartman, Ryan and Sarah, Token and Steve. Craig, Cartman, Sarah, and Steve are wearing Buddha Boxes\nDoctor: Anxiety can make you feel unable to cope. But living with someone who has anxiety can be a bit of a roller coaster as well. We have to support our loved ones with their anxiety and try to understand their illness.\nTweek: I just feel that Craig has changed so much lately! He barely even talks to me anymore!\nDoctor: Well, because his anxiety make him feel like anything he says might sound wrong. That's why we must nurture our loved ones, so they feel safe.\nLiane: Eric, I just feel like you have so much to offer the world, and it kills me that you're so afraid to let your inner you shine.\nCartman: [talking to his Buddha Box] Heh heh, that guy's such a douche. What was that... what was that one show he was on?\nDoctor: Maybe you, you wanna text him that? [Liane picks up her phone and sends Cartman a message]\nCartman: Oh yeah, that's it. B.J. and the Bear. That show was so dumb. What kind of monkey was that, anyway? What was that- what was that monkey he always had- Wait. What the? What the hell is this? Oh God damnit. [lifts up his Box] Mom, will you stop texting me? I'm trying to relax!\nDoctor: Look, we're all just trying to understand this condition, and it's like you're not listening!\nCartman: We're doing everything we can to keep our anxiety under control! Do you think I even wanna be here right now?! I am freaking out!\nToken: Can we go now?\nCartman: [to his Buddha Box] Heheh, yeah. That's pretty cool.\nScene Description: A construction site, day. The workers sit around until the foreman walks up\nForeman: Hey! Hey, what's goin' on here?! Why aren't you people workin'?!\nLaborer 1: We can't keep buildin', sir. We got a bunch of protesters who won't let us work.\nForeman: Protesters? Who?\nLaborer 1: Ah, it's just a bunch of PC babies who think building this thing is wrong. [leads the foreman to the babies, who are all crying]\nForeman: All right, all right! What do you PC babies want? [the crying continues]\nLaborer 1: I guess they're upset because the new viaduct is being financed by a state rather than a county institution.\nForeman: Aw, come on PC Babies! Why does that matter?! [the crying continues]\nLaborer 1: I guess the state refused to finance a proposed program on race-relation education, an they see it as hypocritical.\nForeman: God damnit, not everyone cares about race-relation programs! Come on, PC Babies! We got a job to do! [the babies aren't budging and continue to cry]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. One officer walks around with a Buddha Box on his head while a desk officer talks to PC Principal and Strong Woman\nDesk Officer: All right, all right, just calm down, lady! You want to file a missing persons report?\nStrong Woman: No! No, we don't want to file anything specific. We just need help finding some PC babies.\nDesk Officer: PC babies? They usually hang out at the liberal arts colleges. You could find some there.\nStrong Woman: Nono, it's five specific PC babies.\nDesk Officer: Tony, wasn't there a report of some PC babies down at the Mexican border?\nStrong Woman: No! No, these PC babies wouldn't have gotten that far! They can barely walk. I'm their mother.\nDesk Officer: Hokay, okay. Last name?\nStrong Woman: Woman.\nDesk Officer: First name?\nStrong Woman: [with a breaking voice] Strong.\nDesk Officer: Okay, and you're the father?\nBoth: NO!\nPC Principal: I'm her superior at work!\nStrong Woman: Don't be ridiculous!\nPC Principal: You think I took advantage of my position?!\nStrong Woman: I'm not some two-bit floozy who goes around sleeping with her boss! I am a strong woman! Those kids were born naturally by in-vitro fertilization. [they begin to talk over]\nPC Principal: I'm not Harvey Weinstein, all right?! I have nothing but respect for females at my workplace, and I would never compromise that position!\nStrong Woman: We'll uh, see what we can do. In the meantime you'll just have to take a seat and wait. [they go and find two seats next to a man wearing a Buddha Box. They look around, find some Buddha Boxes on the floor, and put them on.]\nScene Description: Pi Pi's Water Park, day. A line of people awaits a ride down a water slide called \"Hyperbowl\". At the head of the line now are Cartman, Kyle, and Stan. Cartman has his Buddha Box on and isn't getting on the slide\nKyle: Go! [no reaction] GO! [thumps the Box to get Cartman's attention]\nCartman: What do you want?\nKyle: Go down the slide or get out of the way!\nCartman: You think I even want to be here, Kyle?! My therapist told me I need to force myself to go out and do things to overcome my anxiety!\nKyle: [to a nearby lifeguard] Can we move him, please?! [the lifeguard is revealed to be wearing a Buddha Box]\nCartman: Oh! Oh, I see! People with anxiety shouldn't be allowed at water parks. Is that it, Kyle? [jumps out of line] Hey everybody! Just so you know, Kyle thinks people with anxiety should just stay home! Yeah! I'm trying to come out of my shell, but Dr. Kyle here is just worried about his place in line.\nScene Description: Pi Pi's New York Splash, later. Cartman is sunning himself on a towel poolside with his Buddha Box.\nKyle: [approaching] Get! Off! My! Towel! [knocks the Buddha Box off Cartman's head] Get off my towel!\nCartman: God damnit! I seriously can't get a minute of peace! [goes to flip his Box upright as Kyle folds the towel up] Why is it that people who don't have a Buddha Box are always flipping Buddha Boxes off the heads of people with anxiety?!\nKyle: [Stan, Clyde, and Token look on] I got news for you, Cartman! Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone! And you know what they do? They get over it. And they stop being a piece of shit!\nCartman: [subdued] Everyone has anxiety?\nKyle: Yes!\nCartman: Oh my God. I know what I have to do now. Yo-you're right, Kyle! You're right! [hurries away]\nKyle: What? No. No! What did I just do?\nStan: Should have just let him be on his phone, dude.\nScene Description: Spinny Mountain Records, day\nRecord Producer: You know what the kids like today? They like music that matters! I think you guys got what it takes to be the next big thing! The PC Babies! [the babies cry] That's what I'm talkin' about! That stuff is raw! Everyone loves you, PC Babies! We're gonna make you famous!\nScene Description: The recording booth, moment later.\nBruce: All right, PC Babies, let's hear what you got. [Music plays as the babies start thrashing about and cry. Riley's on drums, Bailey's on banjo, Harper's on the piano, River is on the triangle, and Emory is on the xylophone. After a few seconds of recording, Bruce and the record producer hi-five each other.]\nScene Description: South Park Police Station, day. The desk officer is writing on a clipboard while listening to the radio\nDJ: All right, South Park, and now here's that special treat we told you about. Live with us in the studio is a hot new band: The PC Babies. They're gonna perform their new song, which is about the injustice of white people in dreadlocks. It's called \"Weeaaagh.\" [the song recorded earlier plays. The desk officers starts to move his head and snap his fingers to the music. Strong Woman and PC Principal eventually notice]\nStrong Woman: [raises her Buddha Box] Riley?\nPC Principal: [raises his Buddha Box] Tha-that's Bailey!\nDesk Officer: [continues moving his head and snapping his fingers] It's the PC Babies. Guess they're all the rage now.\nPC Principal: Cone on! [the couple bolts from their chairs]\nScene Description: The Mayor's Office, day. Cartman is talking to the Mayor and her aides, now sporting a shaved head, wearing a bathrobe and towel like a Buddhist monk, with his Buddha Box beside him\nCartman: To quiet one's mind, one must have a dialog with one's self. I have found enlightenment. But there are so many others who suffer. It's very important to take the time to shut out the outside world. In the Hindu religion, there's a saying, \"Namaste.\" It means \"fuck you, I have anxiety.\" At first I thought it was only a few of us, but then something was said to me by Kyle. He said \"Eric, my friend, everyone has anxiety.\" I know what you're thinking: \"Fuck Kyle.\" And normally I would agree with you, but hear his words. Everyone has anxiety. We must recognize this disease as an epidemic. Yes, fuck Kyle, but Mayor, we have to raise money to get everyone who has anxiety the tools they need to cope.\nMayor McDaniels: And how do YOU think we get that money? How do YOU suggest we do this?\nCartman: Namaste.\nJohnson: Na-ma-ste.\nCartman: Fuck you too.\nScene Description: WXFU 88.3, day. The secretary has a Buddha Box on her head. The babies and the record producer step off the elevator and head towards the exit.\nRecord Producer: That was far out, PC Babies! You really rocked the airwaves! Now come on! We got a photo shoot at 5! [PC Principal and Strong Woman burst through the doors]\nPC Principal: Kids! [they run past the producer towards the kids.]\nStrong Woman: You're okay! Thank God!\nRecord Producer: Who the hell are you??\nStrong Woman: [her and PC Principal pick up the babies] I'm their... vice principal.\nPC Principal: Yea, and ah-I'm their principal. We need to get these kids back to school.\nRecord Producer: You can't do that! These are the PC Babies! Don't you know how big they are?! In just one day they protested a bar, stopped construction of a problematic viaduct, and wrote a hit single about cultural appropriation!\nStrong Woman: They... did all that?\nPC Principal: Oh my God. They had their first protests... and we missed it. We missed everything because... we were on our phones.\nStrong Woman: I've always used the phone as a way to deal with the stress of having babies nobody could know the truth about, but... it's only made it worse.\nPC Principal: You know what we have to do, right?\nStrong Woman: Yeah, I think so.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria, day. a PTA meeting is taking place\nPC Principal: All right everyone, listen up. The vice principal and I have been discussing student health, and it's our firm belief that they need, and what we all need, is less time on our phones. [the attendees are shown, every last one of them in a Buddha Box tapping away on their phones.] Yes, yes I know it's an unpopular idea, but just hear me out, please. Our phones are the cause of stress, not the relief from it. We are banning phones and Buddha Boxes, and we suggest you all strictly limit their use at home as well. [continued constant tapping]\nStrong Woman: [observing the room] I don't think anyone's listening to you.\nPC Principal: Yeah... Nobody's listening. And nobody's watching. [puts down the microphone]\nStrong Woman: I guess we can wait and ban the boxes tomorrow? [they kiss]\nScene Description: Montage. \"Today\" by Brad Paisley begins to play. While they kiss, people on the sidewalk in front of the school walk around wearing Buddha Boxes.PC Principal check to see if the coast is clear, then pulls Strong Woman and the five babies out. With everyone wearing Buddha Boxes, the family walks around town happy and free. Next they walk through Downtown. A man crosses the street and is struck by a car, flipping over it and landing on his stomach. Both driver and pedestrian are wearing Buddha Boxes. The parents just gather up the PC babies, knowing they're safe from harm. Next, they're having a picnic at the park. Next, they're in Aspen skiing down the bunny slope. One of the babies slips, and everyone else follows suit. Next, they walk past a fire pit in the lodge. Last scene is of the family eating at Buca de Fagoncini\nBrad Paisley: You keep brushing that hair back out of your eyes And it just keeps falling and so do I I am feeling like the luckiest man alive Today And I don't know about tomorrow Right now the whole world feels right And the memory of a day like today Can get you through the rest of your life"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Stotch garage, day. Butters is working on his bike, trying to make it stand out\nButters: Oh, boy! This is looking so great. [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!\nStephen: [frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! Fuck you, son! [leaves and slams the door. Butters' smile stays]\nScene Description: The Stotch kitchen, moments later. Stephen enters and puts on the vest\nLinda: Butters really loves that bike parade.\nStephen: [frustrated] I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight! [Linda puts her hands together and looks down. He sighs] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.\nLinda: [consoles him] You work too hard at that place.\nStephen: [takes Linda's hands and holds them] Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their back to provide.\nGruff Worker: [from outside] Come on, Stotch! [Stephen goes to the front door and opens it]\nScene Description: Stotch Residence, exterior. Outside, the gruff worker stands in front of a copper colored sedan, along with Stuart McCorrmick and one of the town rednecks. All three are wearing safety vests.\nStuart: You're drivin' carpool today or not?\nGruff Worker: Gotta get down factory before the bell!\nStephen: [he briefly holds Linda's hand before leaving] Goodbye, Linda.\nLinda: Don't let that place work you to death.\nScene Description: Montage, set to \"Sixteen Tons\" by Tennessee Ernie Ford. The four men drive to their new jobs - at the Amazon Fulfillment Center. All workers drive through checkpoints and then park. They go through turnstiles that only turn one way. The scenes then focus on Stephen, who's shown lifting boxes onto a waiting cart. Other scenes show other parts of packaging that Stephen is performing. Then they show him and other employees eating lunch at the cafeteria. Stephen has earphones on while eating his lunch and then subscribes to Amazon Prime music. Then scenes of automated robots working alongside the workers. A few hours more of this and Stuart goes home for the day. He pulls up to his driveway and brings Butters some things from Amazon, including Amazon Prime TV. He then goes to the kitchen to give Linda a new hand blender. At bedtime, Linda looks at her phone while Stephen is at the computer ordering a desk lamp on Amazon. Next day, the whole thing starts over again. The four men carpool to work, Stephen is at a receiving workstation then the workday is filmed in time-lapse photographs. Most of that time, Stephen is shown standing in one place. Another scene shows the outgoing boxes being stamped with the shipping information, then being sorted to their destinations. Some packages are being sent through Amazon Prime Air, the new drone delivery service. The last scene shows Stephen driving onto his driveway and getting out just in time to see a drone deliver another package to his door. He picks it up and gives it to Butters in the garage. It's a new horn for his bicycle\nTennessee Ernie Ford: Some people say a man is made outta mud A poor man's made outta muscle and blood Muscle and blood and skin and bones A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store I was born one mornin' when the sun didn't shine I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine I loaded sixteen tons of number nine coal And the straw boss said \"Well, a-bless my soul\" You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store I was born one mornin', it was drizzlin' rain Fightin' and trouble are my middle name I was raised in the canebrake by an ol' mama lion Can't no-a high-toned woman make me walk the line You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Butters takes his bike out for a spin. It's got a new horn as well as reflective stars on the wheels, some playing cards sticking to a clothespin attached to the bike form.\nButters: [joyfully] Yeah! Yippie! [Stan and friends sit on the curb. Butters honks his horn as he passes by] Hey, fellas, what'dya think? [Cartman, wearing his Buddha Box, lifts it up and looks]\nStan: Think about what?\nButters: How my decorations are coming. The big bike parade is this weekend.\nCartman: Bike parade? That's so dumb.\nButters: Well, you won't think it's dumb when I win first prize. I'm goin' all out this year. I'll finally beat Larry Zewiski.\nStan: Dude, nobody cares about a stupid bike parade.\nLarry: Hey, Stotch! [everybody looks over. Larry's on a tricycle, which has several flags on it, with four rockets strapped to the rear wheels, and he's exuding confidence] You gettin' pumped for the big bike parade? [Cartman lifts up his Buddha Box and looks over] Yeah, I'm pretty excited, I guess.\nPorsche: Wow! Hey, nice bike, Larry.\nMercedes: Are you gonna be in the bike parade?\nLarry: Yeah, I'm thinkin' about it. [the boys just stare.] Come on, girls. I'll show you my blue ribbons. Later, Stotch. Sucka! [he and the girls leave]\nButters: [head lowered] Well, anyway... [looks at the boys] well, I'm gettin' some more things for my bike too. [lowers his head again] Um... I'll see ya, fellas. [walks away slowly. The boys watch him leave]\nScene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center. In the main shopping area, Stephen shows the Tweeks the ropes\nStephen: So this is where all the main boxing and transferring happens. I'm excited to have you guys working here at the fulfillment center, Mr. and Mrs. Tweek.\nRichard: We really didn't have a choice. Since the fulfillment center opened, me and my wife's coffee business has gone belly-up.\nStephen: Yeah, people are ordering everything online these days. That's why you'll find a lot of familiar faces working here. [they walk by Mr. Slave, who's preparing boxes for packing. He waves to them before returning back to work] Everything's automated and timed to precision to get people's orders out to them as soon as possible. This is Josh, he'll be your section manager.\nJosh: Howdy, folks.\nStephen: In these warehouses, there are over one million items, from toothpaste to Go Karts, and it's the work of both humans and machines that make the work possible. [a bos-laden machine runs into Josh and carries him away screaming.] You'll get a message on your device which item to get, then get it to one of our loaders, and the machines do the rest. [an alarm goes off and red lights blink. Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around]\nBearded Worker: We got another one!\nStephen: Josh! [Josh becomes a pinball among the machines and screams every time another machine carries him away. Stephen and the other workers run up to a chainlink fence] Hang on, Josh! [Josh is now in the conveyor system being knocked around like a package] Shut it down! Shut it down! [a beefy worker presses the emergency shut-off button, but it fails]\nBeefy Worker: It's not shuttin' down. [a shipping label is stamped onto the crotch area on Josh's pants. He goes down a roller slide and stands up, at which point he's wrapped up in thin plastic sheets. He's then sent down a chute to a vat of plastic peanuts that whirls him around until he disappears into it.]\nJosh: Aaaarargargar!\nStephen: Whenever there's a workplace accident, you need to fill out a 1081 form. [pulls out a copy of the form]\nScene Description: Kenny's house at the Historic SoDoSoPa ruins, day. Kenny is now working on his bike with the same kinds of trimmings Butters used. He's painting his bike blue. Cartman shows up with Stan and Kyle, while Kenny has his back towards the garage door\nCartman: What are you doing?\nKenny: [quickly turns around and then tries to hide the spray can] (What?! You scared me, guys! Wassup?)\nStan: \"Wassup\" is I thought we agreed bike parades are stupid.\nKenny: (Bike parades ARE stupid.)\nCartman: Don't lie, Kenny! You saw that Larry kid scoring chicks with his bike, heard about the cash prize, and you decided to do the bike parade behind our backs! I know 'cause I thought the same thing!\nStan: Me too.\nCartman: [looks down, then wanders off as somber music plays] Jesus. Is this really what it's come down to, you guys? Whatever happened to *us*?\nKyle: What do you mean?\nCartman: It used to always be the four of us. Always. Now Stan's moved to a farm. I have anxiety. Kenny? Nobody really talks to Kenny. And then there's just... Kyle. We used to do everything together. What if we did this like the old days?\nKyle: [music picks up] Four bikes, one common theme.\nStan: We could totally own the bike parade.\nKenny: (Yeah!)\nCartman: If we order everything online, we can have it delivered tomorrow! [gets on his phone] We need props, pyrotechnics, the works!\nStan: [pulls out his phone and starts tapping away] Yeah, and we gotta order some badass spokes and those wheel bumpers!\nKyle: [pulls out his phone and starts tapping away] I'll start looking for costumes! What theme are we thinking?\nCartman: Kenny, get on your mom's laptop and start ordering streamers, sparklers and rockets! Make sure everyone ships Next Day Delivery! This is gonna be just like the old times, you guys!\nScene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, exterior, dusk. As the Fulfillment Center employees leave for the night, Celtic music plays nearby at Crunchy's Micro Brew.\nScene Description: Crunchy's Microwbrew, interior. Fulfillment Center employees have a drink and chat among each other, while a group of Irish musicians play on stage.\nIrish Singers: Workin' me fingers to the bone, I need me a drink before goin' home. Be back in the mornin', pack boxes at dawn. Workin' for Amazon\nStephen: Can I have a beer, please? Whatcha got on tap?\nBarkeep: Amazon, Amazon light, and Amazon IPA.\nStephen: Gimme Amazon Light. I'm a Prime member. [holds up an Amazon credit card]\nGruff Worker: [now with both arms bandaged up] What the fook are we doin', anyway? Breakin' our backs! Loadin' up forklifts! Gettin' paper cuts from boxes! And for what?! A measly paycheck that just barely covers our online purchases.\nStephen: Yeah, well, we should be thankful we even have jobs, huh? Before the fulfillment center opened, we really didn't have anything.\nGruff Worker: We had our dignity!\nStuart: [speaks up] Hey everyone! Everyone, listen! [music and all conversations stop] Amazon just posted a statement about Josh's accident. They're calling it \"human error\" [chatter picks up] \"Amazon regrets the recent workplace accident and is working to better train its workers so that no future accidents occur.\"\nBearded Worker: Who do they think they are?!\nGruff Worker: It was the bloody machines!\nStephen: [nervous chuckle] Okay, hold on, everyone. I'm sure there's an explanation.\nStuart: This is what we've been reduced to! We are the backbone that makes the fulfillment center work! Maybe they should see what it would be like if we didn't show up for work! [all cheer]\nSkeeter: We'll do it for Josh, and so what happened to him never happens to anyone else.!\nStephen: Hold on, guys. [nervous chuckle] M-My son has a big bike parade coming up. I... I can't just not show up to work now.\nStuart: [Comes up to Stephen and puts his finger in his face] What's more important to you, Stotch? A bike parade, or Josh?![leaves]\nStephen: A bike parade.\nStuart: Amazon workers, we are on strike! [the workers roar back in approval and cheer, while Stephen looks around nervously]\nScene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's still in bed as the sun breaks. It's morning, and his alarm goes off. He sits up and then leaves the bed\nCartman: My stuff's here! [runs out of the room and downstairs] My stuff! My stuff! My stuff my stuff my stuff! [runs by the sofa, where Liane sits, She's sipping coffee.]\nLiane: Mornin' hon.\nCartman: Shut up! [opens the front door and looks out, smiling] Stuff? [looks around, then steps out a bit further] Stuff? [One more look, then goes back inside and walks up to Liane] Mom, were there a bunch of packages for me?\nLiane: I don't think anyone's getting packages, sweetie. Look. [Cartman looks at the TV, at the strike against Amazon]\nTom: The Amazon Fulfillment Center has been shut down as hundreds of employees refuse to work. [Behind Tom, an Amazon employee marches behind him and then look into the camera, smiles and point at their signs. Another employee does the same thing. Stephen is behind them, keeping his head down and looking conflicted] Customers all over the state are wondering where their Amazon orders are, as workers demand more respect and more money. The uprising started with a workplace accident which Amazon blamed on human error. Joining me now is the victim of the accident - Josh Carter. [walks over to Josh, who is now a sentient package. He's been placed atop of a stool.] And Josh, how does it feel to have your accident spark so much upheaval?\nJosh: You know, Tom, I think something like this was bound to happen. There's those at the top who control the means of production, and then there's the working class that enables those means by selling their labor power for wages. When there's conflict, the ruling class tries to blame the working class.\nTom: Can you get out of the box?\nJosh: No, my organs have been compacted, so if the box opens, I spill out and die. I believe the working class needs to revolt against capitalism and bring about socioeconomic emancipation.\nTom: Do you get hot in the box?\nScene Description: Soth Park City Hall, day. Mayor McDaniels is making an Amazon purchase on her work iMac\nMayor McDanniels: [quietly talking to herself] Ship to address, order now... [receives this message] \"Usually ships in...\" [yells out in anger] four to six weeks?! I can make my own damn towels in four to six weeks! [a knock at the door, and Janson looks in]\nJanson: Mayor, you have a visitor.\nMayor: Not now, I'm having problems!\nJanson: [Nervously] But Mayor, it's uh, [whispers] Jeff Bezos.\nMayor: [voice rises] Founder and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos?\nJanson: [whispers] Yeah.\nMayor: Okay, okay, uh, let him in.\nJanson: Right on through here, Mr. Bezos. [Jeff Bezos enters. He has a long neck and a bald, veiny head, suggesting a brain so big blood vessels have to be outside the skull for it to fit. Bezos looks at Janson, and Janson leaves]\nMayor: [stands up from behind her desk] Mr. Bezos. How great to see you again! [Bezos just looks at her] How have you been?\nBezos: [telepathically] I wish I was doing better. Please Mayor, have a seat.\nMayor: Oh, thank you. [she sits in her chair, he takes a seat as well]\nMayor: I guess you're here because of the... strike.\nBezos: We had a deal, Mayor. You told me this town would be the perfect place for one of our fulfillment centers.\nMayor: And it has been. It it gave so many people jobs. [chuckles] And I'm not really sure why everyone is so...\nBezos: [moves his head ever so slightly] Disgruntled? Dissatisfied? Unamused? Would you like to know why Amazon is so successful? Because the customer is all that matters. Now orders are going unfulfilled all over the state of Colorado. [lowers eyebrows] That makes us look very bad. [raises his eyebrows] It makes YOU look very bad. Perhaps... you should no longer be a Prime member.\nMayor: [pleading] Please! I-I'm trying to get everyone back to work. I-I'm going to do everything that I can.\nBezos: Then we have an understanding. [gets up and heads for the door] Goodbye, Mayor. If everyone stays unfulfilled, [turns around and looks at the Mayor] it will be you who pays the price. [opens the door and leaves. The Mayor is left stunned]\nScene Description: A cloudy day. Cartman opens the door and looks out. No packages. A new montage begins, to the tune of Trey Parker's \"Unfulfilled.\" Cartman goes back inside and closes the door. Mr. Tucker goes and checks his mailbox. No mail or packages. Sheila checks the status of her delivery. Her coffee maker has been delivered, but still en route. A tear runs down her cheek. Mr. Mackey looks outside his window as it starts to rain and sees a FedEx X truck. The driver looks back at him, then lowers his head to the steering wheel. No delivery for Mackey. Jimmy looks at the status of his delivery but finds that it's going to take a month to reach him. He cries at his desk. A smiling Randy goes outside to get his packages, but suddenly, they fade away, revealing that he got nothing and leaves him disappointed. Wendy walks by the kitchen at her home and sees her parents. Wendy's parents sit at the dining room table, looking depressed. No packages for them either. Wendy then looks down and walks away. The strikers put on their protest and hold up their signs, but Stephen's heart isn't in it. He stands still holding a \"STAND UP/STRIKE\" sign. Kenny opens his front door and checks for packages but finds none. Kyle looks out his front door and finds nothing. He closes his door. An aerial shot of the neighborhood shows no packages anywhere on the front steps of the houses. Ryan walks up to Sarah and thinks of putting his hand on her shoulder, but decides against it and leaves. The fulfillment center sits dark and silent. Officer Brown looks for packages at the front of the police station, but finds nothing. He then sadly closes the door.\nTrey: Unfulfilled. And now tomorrow's nothing but another day. Somebody came and took my hopes and dreams away. and now I'm lost, and unfulfilled. Curtains close All we were a distant memory Somebody just bitch-slapped the smile right off of me. And here I am, so unfulfilled. The happiness I knew just got raped and killed. And all I am is unfulfilled. Nothing that I have seems like enough All I'm left to ask is, \"Where's my stuff?\" It's sitting somewhere, unfulfilled.\nScene Description: Last scene is in Cartman's room. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle wait. The door opens and Kenny walks in. The boys jump to meet him\nStan: Anything? Did you get anything?\nKenny: (No. Nothing.) [the other three sigh]\nCartman: I guess it's time to face it. We aren't going to get our stuff.\nStan: Maybe if we reorder everything and have it shipped to a different fulfillment center-\nKyle: There's no time. Let's face it. We can't be in the bike parade.\nStan: No! I refuse to believe we have no other options. Um, what...? What did we do before Amazon?\nKenny: (Well I don't know.)\nStan: I mean, before we could get whatever we wanted, where did we get stuff?\nCartman: At the... the ma-, the ma-ma-, the mall.\nKyle: Oh yeah! The mall!\nKenny: (The mall!)\nScene Description: South Park Mall, day. It sits abandoned and looks dilapidated. The earth has begun to reclaim it. Plants break through the asphalt in the parking lot. Inside, the building is dark and devoid of any lighting and covered with trash and plants. A rat runs around and waits on top of a plant. The doors open and the boys walk in, causing the rat to scurry off.\nCartman: Guess we haven't been to the mall in a while. [as they walk through the mall, Anita Baker's \"Sweet Love\" plays over the speakers.]\nAnita Baker: Sweet Love hear me callin' out your name I feel no shame; I'm in love Oh no no no no no (Sweet Love)\nKyle: There's nobody here.\nStan: There's gotta be somebody.\nCartman: [notices something and points] Look! It's Wiener On A Stick. [a worker pops up behind the counter and hisses, then drops back down. The boys walk up to him]\nStan: Uh, hello?\nMall Worker 1: [pops back up] Welcome to Wiener On A Stick.\nKyle: Are you the only one still at the mall?\nMall Worker 1: There are many, and yet none. [other workers come out of the woodwork and hiss]\nScene Description: The Stotch house, day. Linda is at the sofa knitting while Butters reads Mystery Comics. The front door opens and Stephen enters\nLinda: There he is! [drops her knitting and goes to Stephen]\nButters: Dad! [drops his comic book and goes to Stephen]\nLinda: How did it go?\nStephen: [nervously looks down and holds cap in his hand] They voted to keep striking. There was a run-in, violence between some of the strikers and corporate. They've decided to punish us by taking our status. [turns and walks a few feet away from Linda and Butters] There's no easy way to say this, so I'll... just come out with is then. We're... not Amazon Prime members anymore.\nLinda: Then what are we?\nStephen: [turns to face his family] Everyone involved in the strike has been dropped down one level from Prime. We're... we're now Amazon USDA Choice.\nLinda: [covers her mouth as she starts to tear up] That's... fine. We'll be USDA Choice. It's, it's almost as good as Prime.\nStephen: [walks up to her and puts his hand on her shoulder] You're a good woman for saying that. But you're a bitch because it's a lie and you're patronizing me. [goes upstairs]\nButters: Mom, eh if I win the first prize in the bike parade, I'll give the money to you guys.\nScene Description: Stotch residence.The master bedroom, later. Stephen is at his computer, praying\nStephen: Please... I don't know what else to do. My family is all that matters to me. [becomes emotional and starts to tear up] I made a promise to provide for them. What if we never get what we're asking for from the strike? [he's being observed through a hidden camera, on Alexa View] What if they just get others to do all the boxing for us?\nScene Description: At Amazon HQ, in a purple, alien-like room, Mayor McDaniels looks at the screen with Jeff Bezos\nBezos: See how the worker begins to question his determination? Without his Amazon Prime Status, he fluctuates between being and non-being.\nStephen: My family has to come first.\nBezos: Now... torn between memberships, the consumer-worker will reason that the strike is pointless. Prepare a bus. We must make sure that boxers who wish to box have a safe way into the fulfillment center.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, exterior, day\nScene Description: South Park Mall, interior. The boys are still in the abandoned mall as more mall workers emerge from their hiding spots and look at the boys in curiosity\nKyle: I think maybe it was a bad idea to come here, you guys.\nMall Worker 2: Why have you come to this place?\nStan: We came because... we need... stuff.\nMall Worker 3: [emerges from behind a large planter] Do you seek cosmetics? [holds up some make-up brushes]\nMall Worker 4: [emerges from behind a food court trash can] Do you need puppies? [holds up two puppies wearing bow ties in his arms]\nMall Worker 5: [comes up behind Stan] Sample of lotion?\nStan: What??\nMall Worker 5: [lifts up Stan's arm and sprays some onto it] Why, it's lemongrass lavender.\nStan: No! [the worker hisses and goes back into the shadows] No, no, look. We need very specific stuff. There's a big bike parade on Saturday.\nScene Description: In front of Auntie Jen's, a Cinnaroll and Gamestop employee are excited about the bike parade and talk over each other\nCinnaroll employee: Ohhh! Bike parade?\nHobby employee: Bike parade?\nGamestop employee: Ohh!\nScene Description: In front of City Express, Wayne D and a Build-A-Bear employee also show their excitement\nWayne D: Ohhh! Bike parade!\nBuild-A-Bear Workshop employee: [garbled] That's nice!\nKyle: Yeah. And the four of us are actually doing a group theme.\nCartman: [steps forward] The changing faces of immigrants in America as told through bicycles.\nMall Worker 6: So... do you need... SHOES? [holds a couple of shoe boxes]\nStan: [turns to face the mall worker] Yeah. Uh, color-coded specific shoes in four specific sizes.\nMall Workers: Aww!\nStan: What?\nMall Worker 1: [pops his head out from behind the counter.] We do not have the inventory that online wholesalers can provide. [hisses and hides again]\nCartman: This is a waste of time, you guys.\nKenny: (Yeah. Shit, let's get the fuck out of here.)\nMall Worker 7: [emerges from behind a planter holding up a skirt on a hanger] Please! You are the only customers we've had the pleasure of assisting since the fulfillment center opened.\nStan: H-Hold on a minute. You all stay here 'cause you want to work?\nMall Worker 6: It is... our purpose.\nMall Workers: Our purpose.\nMall Worker 4: Our purpose.\nStan: Wait a minute. You guys... I think I have an idea.\nScene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. An overhead view of the parking lot as the strikers and a group of counter protesters are gathered for another day. Both groups are being corralled by police officers.\nTom: [off screen] A bus with employees wishing to return to work is about to arrive here at the fulfillment center,[the Amazon employees are yelling and holding up signs while the police officers are trying to keep them behind the barriers] and the strikers are not happy. Also, dozens of Amazon customers have shown up.[a large group of counter protesters hold up signs demanding the workers get back to their jobs and deliver their packages are being held back by the police] Angry customers who wish to be fulfilled.\nCustomers: We want our stuff! We want our stuff!\nTom: The customers say the boxers need to return to work because the shutdown is hurting everyone. [Randy is standing next to him]\nRandy: I have a weed business to run! I need my shit from Amazon to make it all work!\nJosh: At what cost, sir?! Do you care that personal worth is being reduced by capitalists to exchange value?!\nRandy: Oh yeah, that's typical rhetoric from a Marxist box.\nJosh: Free trade is not free-dom! Perhaps socialism IS the answer!\nTom: If you pay for shipping, can you go anywhere you want?\nStuart: [pointing] Here comes the bus!\nStrikers: [all turn to face the bus. Stephen is the only passenger in it, looking mighty lonely] Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs!\nStuart: Hey, it's Stotch! [the bus stops]\nGruff Worker: Ya can't do it, Stotch! Ya damned us all!\nStephen: [lowers a window] Don't you understand? It's not about me! It's my son!\nGruff Worker: If those orders get fulfilled, then we got nothin'!\nStephen: He's just a kid! He wants to be in the bike parade!\nGruff Worker: My son's in the bike parade too! [his voice begins to crack] He's got... little tassels off the back of his seat. Tiny flags stickin' out the handlebars. But he deserves more, Stotch! If we don't make our stand now, he doesn't have a chance. He'll get fookin' third or fourth place or just a fookin' participation ribbon!\nStephen: [emotional] I'm sorry. [the bus moves forward again]\nGruff Worker: Stotch!\nScene Description: The fulfillment center, inside. Stephen gets to work doing all the fulfillments himself. Mayor McDaniels and Jeff Bezos look on from a catwalk above the factory floor\nBezos: It is... not as I expected. Only one consumer worker broke through the picket lines. Your townspeople are more stubborn than I thought.\nMayor: They're... prideful people, yes.\nBezos: Perhaps I should give up. How I long to return to Bezos and touch butts with my wife. [the factory phone rings and he answers it] Amazon Fulfillment Center.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, exterior. The boys are in the parking lot outside the mall. Stan is on his phone and somehow, Bezos' telepathy reaches Stan's ears\nStan: Uh yeah, hi. We ordered a bunch of stuff and we haven't gotten it.\nBezos: [frustrated] Yes, yes, the workers are striking. We're fucking working on it!\nStan: No, that's actually why we're calling. We know a whole bunch of people who can come work for you.\nBezos: [his eyes widen as he thinks a moment] Is that so? Now those fools will pay!\nStan: What fools will pay?\nBezos: Uh no, sorry, um... you say you have worker-consumers? willing to box?\nStan: Yeah, but listen: we want our stuff! We ordered a bunch of shit for the bike parade, and if we get you workers, we want them to deliver our stuff first!\nBezos: Very well. Stay right where you are. [hangs up, goes back to the Mayor, and stares at her for a few seconds] You didn't tell me there was a bike parade.\nMayor: I didn't think it was relevant.\nBezos: Everything is relevant when it comes to customers. [goes to Alexa View and waves his hand across the screen. Butters is shown working on his bike again]\nScene Description: Dramatic music begins as Bezos smiles after looking at the Alexa View. Josh begins his speech off screen.\nJosh: The history of this world...\nScene Description: A panning shot of the employees yelling and protesting outside the fulfillment center.\nJosh: is the history of class struggles.\nScene Description: A panning shot of the customers yelling and holding up their signs outside the fulfillment center\nJosh: Alienated from the products of their labor...\nScene Description: Stotch Residence, garage. Butters is working on his bike, looking at his bike spokes.\nJosh: from their fellow laborers and from their very essence.\nScene Description: Zewiski Residence, garage. Larry is adding more flags to his bike while Mercedes and Porsche admire him from outside.\nJosh: The oppressed worker will eventually strike back at those capitalists who control the means of production.\nScene Description: South Park Mall, interior. The four boys go back inside the mall. The mall workers emerge as the light from outside hits them\nJosh: We have nothing to lose but our chains.\nScene Description: Crunchy's Microbrew, interior. The strikers are standing and paying attention\nJosh: We will unite in revolution.\nGruff Worker: And if others try to break through the picket line?\nJosh: [a box on a stool] Nothing else can be allowed into the fulfillment center, no matter what the cost.\nSkeeter: We're ready to follow you, Josh.\nJosh: Then follow me to Hell."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Kyle's bed, sunrise. Kyle is still in bed when his alarm goes off. he wakes up and jumps off his bed, grabs his phone, and runs downstairs. Bright music plays. Ike peeks out from his room and sees Kyle run by. Kyle opens the front door and sees all the Amazon stuff he had purchased and was waiting for. He breaks out into a grin\nKyle: Yehehes! Yeessss!\nGerald: [comes out from the kitchen] What is it, Kyle?\nKyle: I got fulfilled! It's all the stuff I ordered for the bike parade. [his phone rings and he answers it] Yeah?\nScene Description: Cartman Residence, living room. Eric is excited as he is surrounded by his Amazon packages and talks to Kyle on his Iphone\nCartman: Kyle, did you get your stuff?! I got my stuff! Yeah, dude! [grabs one of his packages and holds it] Stan and Kenny got their stuff too! Bring it all over to my house! We gotta get ready for the bike parade!\nScene Description: Broflofski residence, living room. Kyle runs back inside with one of packages\nGerald: Hey, were my boxes there too?\nKyle: No, Dad. These were special deliveries from Jeff Bezos. We helped Amazon with their strike, and he had our orders shipped.\nGerald: Jeff Bezos? The founder and CEO of Amazon?\nScene Description: A close up of the Amazon Echo in the living room is shown while Kyle talks to Gerald\nKyle: [giggles] Yeah. We helped him find workers to work during the strike.\nScene Description: Remote location. Jeff Bezos is shown eavesdropping on their conversation as well as several others on some dated hi-fi equipment. The conversations are heard through the massive headphones he is wearing.\nKyle: So he found our orders and had them sent to us.\nGerald: Well, can he find my packages too? [Static noise is heard as Bezos begins to turn the dial to another frequency]\nWoman 1: No, I know. They said the workers are still on strike. They don't know when our orders- [turns the dial]\nMan 1: Alexa, can I have my stuff shipped from a different ful-? [turns the dial]\nMan 2: No, that's a bad dog, Banjo! Bad dog! [turns the dial]\nWoman 2: [moaning] Oh, yes. Oh, oh, o- [turns the dial]\nStuart: Jeff Bezos?! [Bezos stops and listens in intently] Are you freakin' kiddin' me?! Why is Jeff Bezos sending you packages?\nScene Description: McCormick residence, living room. A close up of their Amazon Echo Dot is shown while Stuart continues to berate Kenny in the background. Carol and Karen McCormick are standing behind Stuart and observing. The camera eventually focuses on Kenny and Stuart\nStuart: Do you even care there's a strike going on?!\nKenny: (No, Dad. These are all for the bike parade.)\nStuart: Bike parade?! You dad is part of the strike, you little shit! [Kenny opens a box and gives Stuart the finger] This whole town is suffering because of Amazon and you're out worrying about a bike parade! [Kenny pulls out a small Statue of Liberty.]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen. Sharon is sitting at the dinner table and rests her head on her right hand as Randy rants and paces back and forth.\nRandy: I can't even believe you would say that, Sharon!\nSharon: Randy, it's time to face it. Your weed farm idea didn't work. You barely sell to two people a day.\nRandy: It's the stupid Amazon strike! I rely on things for marketing, Sharon! A small business needs products for exposure, and until those assholes go back to work, small businesses are gonna suffer! [someone knocks on the front door.]\nMan 3: [Randy looks over] Ex-excuse me. Could I buy some weed?\nRandy: [leaves the kitchen for the front door] Aw yeah yeah, Of course.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, living room. Randy walks in and goes to the coffee table which has some bottles and a fanny pack that he picks up. Towlie is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.\nRandy: Out early today, huh? [arrives at the door and rummages through the fanny pack]\nMan 3: Yeah it's this stupid Amazon strike. None of my orders are getting fulfilled, and I just need something to take the edge off.\nRandy: Yeah, tell me about it.\nMan 4: [appearing at the farm's entrance] Hey, are you selling weed?\nRandy: Uh, yeah.\nMan 4: [arrives at the door as man 3 leaves] My wife is going nuts not getting her packages. I told her I'd find her some kush.\nRandy: [walks back to the table to pick up more weed] Yeah, the Amazon strike really sucks. [a truck full of strikers pulls up]\nDriver: [gets out with his sign] Hey man, we're about to go spend a day in the picket line. Can you sell us some weed?\nRandy: You're strikers?\nMan 4: [turns around to face the driver] Well why don't you guys get back to work so we can get our packages?\nDriver: [points at him] Hey, fuck you buddy!\nRandy: Okay, okay, hold on. Uh, let me got some more weed. [notices more people driving up and walking to his door] Huh.\nScene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. The strike continues and local media is covering it\nTom: [off screen] It's Day 5 of the Amazon Fulfillment Center strike. [The police are shown trying to keep the strikers corralled] Nothing has been resolved, and there is ever-mounting tension between the striking Amazon workers [a close up of the strikers] and the people who want their stuff. [a close up of the townspeople demanding their stuff]\nScene Description: News Studio. Tom is sitting at the news desk and continues his report.\nTom: Josh Carter is an Amazon employee who suffered a horrific workplace accident. In order to drum up support for the strike, he's recently FedExed himself to Washington. [Josh is on top of a stool with the White House behind him] How are things going, Josh?\nJosh: They're going well, Tom. Thank you. You know, what happened to me could happen to any worker at a fulfillment center. I'm speaking to Congress here and then heading back to Colorado tomorrow via UPS.\nTom: Meanwhile, Amazon says it's training new workers to replace the strikers. However, because the workers previously worked at a mall, they've had no human contact for quite some time.\nScene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. Stephen briefs the new workers on the center's operations\nStephen: Welcome to the fulfillment center. I'm your floor manager, Stephen Stotch. [the new employees hiss and growl back.] Being a fulfilled isn't hard. Uh, you just follow a few basic steps. [Mall Worker 1 rises up and hisses, then drops back down behind a lift] You start by getting an order on your fulfillment device. [taps on his device] Uh, it's order 6503. Mrs. Sandy Milner wants a Luminart coffee grinder. So you send that order to the first available transaction robot. [drives the robot left out of a parking spot] Okay, the robot will locate the grinder and bring it to the packing area. [The robot stops and drops tee coffee maker onto a conveyor which is being manned by Mall Worker 7. she watches it roll by, and it reaches the mall worker at the end of the belt] Now, put the coffee grinder in the box to fulfill the order. [the worker makes a move but stops himself] Go on. Put it in. [the worker grabs the grinder, stands up, and put it in the box.]\nMall Worker 8: This isn't very fulfilling.\nStephen: Sure it is. You just gotta get into it, okay? That's one order down, we have [taps his device] 12,400 more to go. [more hissing from the new hires]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Business has picked up at Randy's place as indicated by a long line of customers. Randy is now selling from a stand with Towlie helping him out\nRandy: [speaking with an accent] All right, there you go, friend. That's an ounce of weed, and thanks for supportin' small business. Next?\nMan 5: Hey, could you sell me more than an ounce?\nRandy: Sorry friend, that's the law. Us simple farmin' folk respect the law and each other.\nMan 5: No, it's fine. I'll just go over to the Anderson Weed Farm and buy more there.\nRandy: [looks over to the Anderson Weed Farm, which has a no-limit purchase sign on its stand. He then drops his accent] Well don't buy weed from them. Their weed sucks.\nMan 5: It's a long way to drive out here. Need to make it worth my while. [leaves]\nScene Description: The barn, later. Randy paces the floor there looking concerned, while Towlie is seated on top of the table, stoned. Both have a joint in their hand.\nRandy: Shit! This whole Amazon strike has more people smoking weed than ever. We have to make sure Tegridy Weed stays ahead of the competition!\nTowelie: [takes a puff] We need to find a way to get the weed to the people.\nRandy: Yeah, like a, like a delivery service. Some way so people don't have to drive out here and even see the other weed farms!\nTowelie: You know what they got? They got these e-scooters nowadays.\nRandy: You mean the things that almost killed us all on Halloween? Yeah, I 'member. [takes a puff from his joint]\nTowelie: What if we use e-scooters to get the weed directly to the customers?\nRandy: Oh shit. We could have Tegridy all over town.\nScene Description: The Stotch house, after sunset. Stephen arrives home with his head down. He heads inside and is surprised to see a lot of Amazon boxes in the living room\nStephen: What the-?\nLinda: Stephen! Stephen! It's a miracle! [she gives him a hug]\nStephen: I don't understand.\nButters: [pulls out a gold covered bicycle by its handle from a box] Look Dad, a whole new bicycle! I'll win the bike parade for sure!\nLinda: You must have gotten our Prime membership back!\nStephen: I guess I did. The bigwigs promoted me to manager. I'm been training new employees. [A close up of their Amazon Echo is shown]\nScene Description: Remote location. Jeff Bezos is shown eavesdropping again. The conversations are heard through the massive headphones he is wearing.\nStephen: When did all this stuff arrive?\nLinda: It just came a few hours ago. [Bezos turns the dial while some static noise is heard] Oh Stephen, you did it!\nScene Description: The remote location. Bezos smiles as he takes his headphones off and get up. Mayor McDaniels is revealed to be the same room and he approaches her.\nBezos: Your townspeople are beginning to learn that cooperation is rewarded by fulfillment. Now there's only one true enemy who stands in our way. Tonight he's giving a talk on Marxist theory.\nScene Description: The talk, evening. An audience filled studio with Josh, in a box, on a pedestal with a glass of water on a stool nearby.\nJosh: How is the common worker kept submissive? By the institutions and the ideology of the bourgeoisie. We only ask for compassion, for a fair share of the fruits of our labors. [Kenny, sitting next to Stuart, is bored and sighs]\nScene Description: Larry's driveway, day. Larry is showing off his bike to three girls, one of them is Sally Darson\nLarry: Yeah, it's this Saturday. Everyone's gonna watch. You girls should come check it out. Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty nice bike parade, I suppose.\nButters: [riding up] Hey, Larry. [his gold and diamond encrusted pentacycle is quite blinged out, and he wears a matching crown] You gettin' excited for the bike parade? [Larry and the girls are stunned] Yeah, I guess I'm lookin' forward to it.\nGirl: Wow.\nButters: I guess my bike could be in the bike parade. I... I hadn't really thought about it.\nLarry: Uh, y-you girls check out the flag on the back of my bike? They, they're silk.\nButters: Oh yeah. [presses a button on the handlebars and busts out the peacock feathers, complete with the shake at the end for maximum spread.] I'll see you there, Larry. Later, girls. [turns the bike around and rides away while pressing his bike horn. The girls look at Larry, who is smiling nervously at them and they walk away.]\nSally: [disappointed, walks away] Hmph!\nButters: [riding along on the street] Yippie! [he passes Towelie, who is on an e-scooter on the sidewalk]\nScene Description: The Valmer house, moments later. Towelie stops there and knocks on the door. Ryan and Sarah sit on the sofa with nothing to do\nRyan: Amazon Boxes?! [gets up to check]\nSarah: [sits up] It might be!\nRyan: [opens the door] Yes! [sees no boxes, but looks down] Oh.\nTowelie: Hello, sir. I have your weed delivery.\nRyan: My what?\nSarah: [squeezes by] Oh, that's mine.\nTowelie: There you are, ma'am. [hands her a small bottle of weed] Enjoy your Tegridy.\nRyan: You got a-? Are, are we splitting that?\nSarah: Get your own. [goes back inside]\nRyan: Do you have more?\nTowelie: We're here to please the customer! [hands him one as well]\nScene Description: Cartman's driveway, day. Triumphant music plays as the boys' project is almost finished. It looks like a plane, with four cockpits - a central one, two side ones, and a front one. Cutouts of all the world's cultures are taped to the connecting rod and wings. It's magnificent\nStan: Dude, we did it.\nKyle: They look amazing.\nCartman: There's no way we can't win, you guys. We are going to kill at the bike parade. We finally did it. We worked together, we overcame adversity, and everything is finally gonna be cool again.\nKyle: [notices Kenny arriving] All right, Kenny's here. [to Kenny] Come on, dude. We're gonna take 'em for a test spin.\nKenny: (Guys, listen to me. I'm not gonna do the bike parade.)\nStan: You're not gonna do the bike parade?\nKyle: Well why not?\nKenny: (It's complicated. I talked to my father and he says it's all a bunch of commodity fetishism.)\nStan: Commodity fetishism?\nKenny: (Yes, it's stupid, but I'm out.) [turns and walks away]\nKyle: Kenny, you can't quit now! We have a four-bike theme!\nCartman: Yeah, how do we do the changing face of immigrants in America without the Philippines?!\nKenny: (I can't do it, guys! I quit.) [walks off]\nCartman: [panicking, grabs Kenny and pull him back] Kenny, no! You can't do this! We've worked so hard, and we've come so close! Oh my G- Oh my God! My anxiety! My anxiety is going off, you guys!\nStan: Come on, Kenny, don't be a dick!\nKenny: (You guys don't understand! My dad is one of the strikers!) [walks away]\nCartman: [gives chase, but then stops and begins to hyperventilate] Oh my God! We did so much! We went through all this and he just quits?! That's it! That's it! I'm gonna shoot up the skewl!\nStan: [calmly, quietly] Don't shoot up the school.\nCartman: No, 'cause it's not fair! You work your ass off for nothing, and now my anxiety's back, and I'm gonna shoot up the skeewwwwl!\nScene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, morning. The strike continues.\nBurly Worker: Here come the temp workers! Scabs!\nStrikers: Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! [this is repeated over and over. The mall workers in the bus just hiss and growl.]\nStephen: [seated now with Gerald] Yeah, it's not always easy being a fulfiller, but I think, eventually, you'll find it's a rewarding job.\nGerald: I don't really care. I just want my stuff. If I have to work at Amazon to get my packages, then so be it.\nStuart: [among the strikers, he tries to run and catch up with the bus] Stotch! Hey Stotch! [the bus stops.]\nStephen: [Annoyed] What do you want, Stuart?\nStuart: I just thought you'd want to know the kind of people you're sellin' out for.\nStephen: What are you talking about?\nStuart: It's Josh, man! He's gone missing! [Stephen is stunned at the revelation]\nScene Description: Kyle's garage, day. The project has been dismantled and the boys have taken their pieces and gone home. Kyle, looking very depressed, has taken his bike apart and is repainting it. Stan walks his bike up to Kyle's driveway.\nStan: How's it going?\nKyle: How's it look like it's going? There's no way we're going to win this stupid bike parade!\nStan: Our bikes aren't so bad.\nKyle: [comes out to the driveway] Face it Stan! Our bikes suck! We're gonna lose! We're gonna be the laughingstock of the whole thing!\nCartman: Kyle's right. [the boys turn and see Cartman with his bike and looking down] I already bragged to everyone we were gonna beat them like bitches at the bike parade. We're gonna look like total douchebags. [he moves up closer to where Stan and Kyle are]\nStan: I thought the four of us were unstoppable.\nCartman: We are. It's just Kenny fucked us again.\nKyle: I wish there never was a bike parade.\nCartman: Yeah. Hey. What if there wasn't?\nStan: What?\nCartman: What if the bike parade got cancelled? We're never gonna win the bike parade, but if we get cancelled, then everybody loses.\nStan: How do we get the bike parade cancelled?\nCartman: How do you get anything cancelled? You bitch about it being insensitive!\nStan: Hey, yeah. We can go to the Mayor and force her to cancel it.\nKyle: What's offensive about a bike parade?\nCartman: \"What's offensive about a bike parade?\" Kyle, you small-minded piece of shit! We should cancel you just for saying that.\nKyle: Oh, I get it.\nStan: Yeah!\nAll four: Yeah!\nCartman: Everybody loses, you guys!\nScene Description: An empty warehouse, day. Josh sits on a chair all alone, until Jeff walks in with the Mayor. He has a smug look on his face.\nBezos: Do you know who I am?\nJosh: [nervously] Yeah. You're Jeff Bezos.\nBezos: And you are Josh, former Amazon employee who suffered a workplace accident. You were wrongly packaged into a box, and now, if anyone tries to open it, your insides will burst apart. So you seek revenge.\nJosh: This isn't about revenge, Bezos. It's about the production of too many useful things resulting in too many useless people!\nBezos: See how the box ridicules commercialism in order to try and feel better about itself.\nJosh: Damn you! You made everything nice and convenient, didn't you, Bezos?! But humans are more than consumers!\nBezos: That's very eloquent... for a box- [walks towards the entrance doors] A box that is the last thing standing in the way of real economic progress for this town.\nJosh: [whispers] What are you gonna do to me?\nBezos: I'm not going to do anything to you. Alexa, go ahead. Sent them in.\nAlexa: Okay. [the doors open and a bunch of kids walks in, chatting away]\nBezos: Hello, children. Uncle Jeff has a surprise for you! Who wants a special present for the bike parade?!\nKids: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!...\nJosh: Oh my God...\nBezos: Whoever opens the box gets what's inside! [the kids run to the box]\nJosh: [panicking] No! No, don't give in to your consumerism, kids! [the kids grab the box and fight over it as Jeff screams a few times] NO! [screams some more. Mayor McDaniels turns around to avoid seeing the inevitable, while Bezos continues to smile as he watches Josh's suffering. One of the kids eventually takes hold of the tattered box]\nBoy: It's mine! It's mine! I got it! I get it! [opens the box and gets Josh's blood and guts all over himself. The other kids get splattered as well]\nBezos: Heheh. [the Mayor finally looks]\nScene Description: Larry's house, day. He's in the dining room talking to someone\nLarry: Every year, I win the bike parade. It's the one thing I care about. Now there's kids out there who have better bikes than me because you won't get off your ass and work, Dad!\nMr. Zewiski: [the gruff worker] Larry, I want to! But I'd be a no-good traitor! Can't you understand?! [his wife stands by the front door]\nLarry: All I understand is that you suck! [turns and runs off. Mr. Zewiski gets up and heads for the front door]\nMrs. Zewiski: Where are you going?\nMr. Zewiski: Son's right. Picket line or not, I'm gonna cross it, right now! [opens the door and finds Towelie at his doorstep]\nTowelie: Hello, sir. I have your weed delivery.\nMr. Zewiski: Oh, my weed. Forgot I ordered that.\nRandy: [scootin' by. He is wearing a helmet with a large \"BUY TEGRIDY WEED\" sign on top] Oh hey, listen! We have an app now! You can keep track of your orders and get your Tegridy delivered even faster. [his phone dings] Oop. There's an order now. [scoots away]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. The boys walk through the commercial district. Many of the businesses that they pass by have a \"Closed\" or \"Out of Business\" sign.\nStan: First thing we've gotta do to get the bike parade cancelled is raise awareness.\nCartman: Yeah. We're gonna need poster boards, markers, and lots of glitter and glue.\nKyle: I can't believe Kenny bailed on us just because he thinks Jeff Bezos is a bad guy.\nCartman: Yeah, how can somebody who gives you whatever you want be a bad guy? [Stan walks up to a storefront and knocks on the door, then looks back at the other boys] It's locked. [knocks again]\nRichard: [walks up with his wife] They're closed. We're all closed. Our coffee shop - everything.\nCartman: But we're outraged about something. We need glitter and glue.\nRichard: Yeah. Well, when the Amazon Fulfillment Center opened, everything else went out of business.\nMayor: [off screen] I let it happen. [the boys and the Tweeks turn to look. The mayor is now seated on a bench nearby with her hands clasped] I thought the fulfillment center would be nothing but great for the town. Instead it's... it's buried us.\nMan 5: But it's Christmas. It's Christmas and we've no presents, no decorations. And there's no one who can help us. [the sound of sleigh bells breaks the gloom]\nMan 6: [points] Look!\nSanta: [On his sleigh, with his eight reindeer] Ho ho ho ho!\nMan 7: It's Santa! [Santa comes back around and lands on the street. Everyone cheers]\nWoman 3: It's a miracle!\nSanta: [gets out of his sleigh] I heard some people here might need a little Christmas magic.\nStan: We sure do, Santa!\nMan 8: It's only a couple of weeks until Christmas, and we don't have any presents!\nSanta: Well, that's no problem for the hometown of my favorite holiday poo! Where is Mr. Hankey? [everyone's smiles disappear] Where is that old bundle of Christmas cheer?\nMayor: We... We had to get rid of Mr. Hankey.\nSanta: Got rid of him?\nMackey: Uh, Mr. Hankey did somethin' bad, and we were forced to make him uh... leave. Forever.\nSanta: Jesus, what did he do? Fuck a kid?\nMayor: No. He um.. he tweeted some uh... inappropriate things.\nSanta: [cynically] \"He tweeted some inappropriate things?\" [silence] Oh, you bunch of fuckin'- I'm getting back in my sleigh now. [goes back in]\nStan: Nononono! Wait wait wait, please!\nSanta: Merry Christmas! Have fun sucking Jeff Bezos' dick, you bunch of cunts! [rides off as the townspeople are shocked]\nScene Description: The Stotch home, exterior, night. \"Silent Night\" is heard.\nSinger: Christ, the savior, is born...\nScene Description: Stotch residence, living room. A panning shot from the Christmas tree to Stephen sits on the sofa all alone and looking depressed\nDJ: Continuing with non-stop holiday music. Here's a song from that hot new group, The PC Babies. It's a song about how the idea of Mrs. Claus perpetuates female stereotypes. It's called, \"Jingle All The Waahhhh.\" [Christmas themed jazz music plays as the sound of babies crying starts up. Stephen buries his face in his hands]\nButters: [walks up and stands next to the Christmas tree] Hey Dad? I don't need anything more. I mean, if I don't win that bike parade, I don't care. I have you guys, and... that's more important than a bike parade will ever be.\nStephen: No it isn't, Butters. I want to quit working for Amazon. I want to quit working for Amazon. I want to join my friends in striking but... I know that you have to have your stuff to be happy.\nButters: No I don't Dad.\nStephen: [stands up] You need your Amazon Prime shows and your music and your books. and your things delivered to your door like little presents to yourself that make you feel satisfied. I can live without those things, but you... can't. [turns away and goes to the front door] That's why I'm gonna continue working at Amazon. For you! [opens the front door and sees Towelie there.]\nTowelie: [sounding stoned] Hello, sir. I'm with the Tegridy Weed Company. We're just makin' sure folks are aware of our new rewards program.\nStephen: What?\nTowelie: We now have three levels of membership for our weed. There's Tegridy, Tegridy Plus, and Tegridy Elite. But you don't want to be elite, 'cause elite's got no Tegridy. [Stephen mulls this over]\nScene Description: A bridge over a lake near town, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman lean over the top of it looking over the water\nCartman: It's just such bullcrap, you guys.\nKyle: Such bullcrap.\nCartman: How come everything out there is getting cancelled, but when it comes to us, we just can't do it?\nStan: I mean, are we supposed to just keep going? Just go on, making total asses of ourselves?\nKyle: [turns away from the bridge, followed by Stan and Cartman] No. No! The problem is that when it comes to outrage, your average person actually doesn't give a shit, unless it has something to do with them.\nCartman: [walks up next to Kyle] That's right. we've been selfish. We can't get the parade cancelled for us. We have to do it for all the other people who want it cancelled, but their voices aren't being heard!\nStan: [walks up next to Kyle] Yeah! What? Did we think this was a fucking joke? The bike parade is offensive, and the government thinks they can just force it on everyone!\nCartman: Come on! I'm actually pissed off now! [they walk off]\nScene Description: City Hall, day. The three boys walk up to the building and burst into the Mayor's office.\nStan: Mayor, we demand you cancel this bike parade!\nCartman: It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking! [the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos, with a smug look. He puts his feet up and communicates telepathically]\nBezos: What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?\nStan: It's him.\nBezos: The bike parade was quite useful to me. You see, people will do anything to have fulfillment. They finally realized the only way to get it would be to all work for the fulfillment center.\nCartman: Who would use the bike parade like some $20 hooker?\nKyle: Kenny was right about you. You're a bad guy!\nBezos: Oh, you mean your little socialist friend? Yes, he's starting to rattle his sword now, too. Alexa, kill Kenny.\nAlexa: Okay. I'll kill Kenny for you.\nStan: [raises his arms] No!\nKyle: Why are you doing this?!\nBezos: [gets up and walks around the boys] Don't you see I'm trying to help? Before, there was war between classes, customers and workers at odds. All I've done is create the new class: the consumer-worker. The future. Right now your parents, your teachers, everyone you know are showing up to work at the fulfillment center, and I'm afraid you are all going to lose the bike parade.\nRandy: [from the ground below] Bezos! Bezos!\nCrowd: [from the ground below] Bezos! Bezos! Bezos! [Bezos opens the windows and is surprised to see the large crowd below. The camera pans across the scene, as the townspeople stand in unity, with their arms on their neighbors' back. Randy then takes a step forward]\nRandy: Hello Bezos! You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! See, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! Just look in the eyes of these people! [a close-up look shows a lot of bloodshot eyes] Everyone has Tegridy now! Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore, we are a town!\nBezos: [annoyed] Are you all high?\nCrowd: [shifting their eyes around] No, no...\nRandy: Why do you ask that?\nBezos: Because I'm over here!\nRandy: Oh. Hang on. [notices where Bezos is and walks towards the window. Everyone has been facing left of City Hall] Hold on. Okay, I got it. Anyways... you see, Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations! Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy, and that's 'cause I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's- now everyone is in their state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?\nBezos: NO!\nRandy: The point is, nobody's comin' to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [the crowd cheers \"Yeah!\"]\nBezos: [raises his arms to the sky] Damn you, Tegridy! [upbeat music starts]\nScene Description: The montage finale, with a reprise of \"Colorado Farm\". Mayor McDaniels cuts the ribbon to commence the bike parade. Among the kids at the front of the parade are Wendy, Heidi, Henrietta, Pete, Craig, and Jimmy. The children begin to ride through a residential area, while their parents and other residents including Dr. Mephesto and Mr. Mackey watch...and appear to be stoned.\nSingers: Ice-cold beer, down-home days country music and bike parades We got Tegridy all around (round, round) That's life livin' in our Colorado town. [a shot of the PC babies crying as a stoned Strong Woman holds one of them up in her arms]\nStan: I guess they are offensive. [Kyle laughs]\nScene Description: As the parade continues through town, Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave can be seen getting high while grilling. The mall workers are on a driveway and waving. More kids including Michael and Bebe can be seen. Cartman is shown with Kenny's coffin attached to his bike, draped with the banner, \"Remember Kenny\". The group eventually goes in front of the Stotch residence, where Linda and Stephen are sitting and stoned.\nSingers: We don't need nothing from big corporations We don't need progress or fancy educations Maybe our tegridy keepw us down (down, down) But that's life livin' in our Colorado town.\nButters: Hey, Mom. Hi Dad.\nStephen: [Waves to him as he passes by] Sure are, Butters.\nScene Description: The parade continues onto the Park County Police Station, where Sargent Yates and uniformed officers can be seen smoking a joint and passing it. Mr. Adams and President Garrison are also there and watch. It continues on past the church and back to a residential area where Jimbo gives a badly injured Ned a hit of his weed.\nSingers: Now we gotta learn to live without boxes every day We might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away [President Garrison, in cuffs, waves at the participants] Guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks (hicks, hicks) [even Father Maxi is smoking a joint] But at least we ain't suckin' no Bezosian dicks.\nScene Description: An overhead shot of the parade continuing through a residential area is shown, followed by an image of a jar of Tegridy Weed at the center of the screen\nAnnouncer: Tegridy Weed. Comin' soon to a giant online retailer near you."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The South Park theme song is replaced by one for the new series, Tegridy Farms, starring Randy Marsh: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time. Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation, Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna leave my woes behind. There's ample parking day or night, people spouting, 'Howdy, neighbor!' I'm headin' on up to Tegridy Farms, gonna see if I can't unwind... Towelie: I got ...some weed and I don't know what's goin' on Come on down to Tegridy Farms and meet some friends of mine... As the song plays, this happens: a flyover shot of the valley Tegridy Farms is in. A jar of Tegridy Weed floats by. Randy is shown driving his tractor. The camera zooms on on a house on which roof \"Tegridy Farms\" is painted. Shelley and Stan are reaping weed as Randy looks on, toking. Towelie enters the house. Randy shows off his greenhouse. Sharon vacuums hanging harvested weed. Randy walks out of the barn covered in weed. Randy and Towelie each smoke a joint on the couch. Randy tries baking brownies and burns them. Smoke comes out of the oven while he holds a tray of them. Randy poses with the family and with Towelie as the song ends. Only Randy and Towelie smile.\nScene Description: The camera pans up from the weed patch and aims at the house. Bunches of weed hang from clotheslines as a fan softly dries them\nRandy: [voice-over] Some people like their weed made the old-fashioned way. [several laborers are in the field harvesting weed] Here at Tegridy, we believe weed is about people. [Randy is shown leading a group of people on a tour of his operation.] Over the past few months, Tegridy has expanded from the simple farmhouse you see behind me to actually owning the entire 420 Valley. And I think you'll see on this tour that even though our business has grown, we just kept our weed simple. [Randy continues the tour on a tram] It takes over a thousand plants to make just one box of Tegridy Weed. [points to his left] There's Juan Carlos over there; he's one of our newest employees. [calls out to him] 'Mornin' Juan Carlos! [Juan Carlos looks up and meekly waves back. Passengers take pictures of him. The next scene has Randy and the group on a moving sidewalk] What happens when you combine science... with Tegridy? A lot of magic. Here you can see our latest growing methods along with our science center. [Towelie is shown sampling the weed. Next stop, the tasting room. Randy and the group ride up in a small riverboat, the S.S. Tegridy.] And of course, it wouldn't be Colorado weed without our Rocky Mountain High tasting room. Feel free to come back here later and try all our... Tegridy products. [the tour ends, and Randy leads the group out] Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed your tour. There's a lot to buy here in the gift shop and, please, do remember, your tour guides work on tips. Let's give me a big hand. [the grop claps]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms house, living room. Stan tallies the day's receipts on the laptop and Cartman chills on the sofa.\nCartman: This sucks balls. Ever since you guys moved, everything just keeps changing. I mean, how are all us kids supposed to have any hope anymore? All I think about is all the problems our generation is inheriting: climate change, overfishing, Kyle. I mean, how are we supposed to get happy about anything? [Randy comes in] Hey there, Stan. You input all the weed orders?\nStan: Yeah, it's all right here.\nRandy: Ah, hahah-uhl, oh. [scratches the back of his neck] Looks like our orders are actually... down. You sure you did that right?\nStan: Yeah, I went through it twice. People aren't ordering as much as last month.\nRandy: Not ordering as much? Why... what the hell is going on?\nScene Description: South Park, day. Randy drives up to the Stotch house, goes to the front door and rings the bell. Stephen answers\nStephen: Oh, hey, Randy.\nRandy: [with a box of Tegridy Weed, tips his hat to him] Howdy, Stephen. How've you been gettin' on?\nStephen: Good. How's life in the Valley been treatin' ya?\nRandy: Oh, it's early mornin's and lots of hard work, but, gotta do what's best for my young 'uns. I've noticed you haven't supplied up in a while, Stephen, so I thought I'd deliver your weed to you personally.\nStephen: Oh... yeah, no [scratches the back of his neck], I... actually... hadn't ordered any in a while.\nRandy: Why not? You're not gettin' all sober on us, are ya?\nStephen: No. Well... here, let me show you. [takes Randy to the back yard shows him what he's been up to] What do you think? [before them is Stephen's starter weed garden] I started growing my own plants a couple of weeks ago. I totally get it. It's a really fun hobby. That's Diego, my gardener.\nRandy: Ohhh he, haha, hey... fuck you.\nStephen: What?\nRandy: My weed not good enough for ya? Something wrong with Tegridy?\nStephen: No, I just started kinda getting into it. I just enjoy the whole-\nRandy: You're stealing my idea Stephen!\nStephen: Come on, growing marijuana is not your idea.\nRandy: Yeah-huh! While you assholes were all screwing around, I went out and made a living! When you grow your own pot, you're taking weed out of my children's mouths!\nMr. Mackey: [enters the back yard through the sliding door] Oh hey, guys. Sorry, the front door was open, so I just walked on in. Seein' if I could still get those seeds from ya, Stephen?\nRandy: [glares at Stephen] What seeds?!\nMr. Mackey: Oh, I was gonna try my hand at growin' some weed and Stephen said he'd give me some seeds to get started.\nRandy: [sticks up both middle fingers to Stephen and Mr. Mackey] FUUUCK YOU GUYS! [turns to Stephen] I'll get you for this, Stephen! You mess with my Tegridy, and I'm gonna mess with you! [leaves the yard. Moments later, he returns for the weed he was going to leave to Stephen, looks at Mr. Mackey, and walks out]\nScene Description: Kum & Go liquor store. A depressed Cartman walks up to a soda fountain with a Mega Gulp cup and serves himself a bunch of sodas, then goes to the coffee machine and serves himself some decaf coffee in the same cup. He then walks up to the counter and pays up\nClerk 1: You alright there, partner?\nCartman: Kids are being handed a world that's broken and sick. We aren't the ones who messed this planet up, but we're the ones who will pay the price.\nClerk 1: Okay, you have a nice day. [Cartman takes his change and receipt, and walks out.]\nScene Description: Outide the liquor store. As Cartman leaves the store, a Department of Homeland Security car zooms by, followed by a black van. Cartman just looks on and takes a sip of his soda.\nScene Description: The Stotch house. ICE agents are at the house hauling Diego out. Stephen chases after them.\nDiego: ¡Por favor no! ¡Por favor! Nomás quiero trabajar! [\"Please no! please! I just want to work!\"]\nStephen: This is inhumane! Diego is my gardener!\nCartman: [walks up and looks at an agent while taking a sip of his drink] What's going on?\nAgent 1: This is an ICE raid, son. You need to keep back.\nAgent 2: Put him in my car. [a third agent takes Diego away]\nCartman: What did that guy do?\nAgent 1: Somebody called in an anonymous tip that he might be here illegally.\nEsposa: ¡No! ¡No te lo puedes llevar! ¡Es mi esposo! ¡Mi esposo! [\"No! You can't take him away! He's my husband! My husband!\"] [A female agent in a hoodie takes her away]\nGirl: Papa! Papa, no! Papa!\nAgent 3: Wife goes in the van, kids can go with Donovan. [A male agent grabs the kids and carries them offscreen]\nStephen: Who called you people?! It was Randy Marsh, wasn't it?!\nAgent 1: We're just doin' our job, sir. If the family checks out, we'll release them from their detention centers.\nCartman: Detention centers? [perks up] Well, this is nice! When did we start doing this?\nAgent 4: [the female agent] Kids go to LS22.\nCartman: So anyone can make an anonymous tip and you can round up families and send them away? Nobody told me about this! I thought everything sucked now! Do you have a card?\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Ike is playing with blocks on the floor. Kyle is watching TV and eating cereal on the sofa as the phone rings. He picks up after seeing who's calling\nKyle: What do you want?\nScene Description: Cartman residence, Eric's bedroom. Cartman is reclining back with his legs up on his desk, looking at his nails while acting rather smug.\nCartman: Do you remember last week you called me a butthole in front of Suzie Tobler?\nKyle: Yeah, 'cause you were gonna snap her bra.\nCartman: I want you to apologize for every time you've been a dick to me, Kyle.\nKyle: Fuck you.\nCartman: Oh! Are you sure you don't want to take that back? Uh-okay Kyle. Just remember, I gave you a chance. [the doorbell rings, and Ike goes to the door]\nKyle: Are you done now? Can I hang up? [as Ike opens the door, ICE agents burst in and fan out]\nAgent 2: 220. We've breached the front door.\nKyle: Hello?\nIke: Mommy! Mommy!\nGerald: [coming in from the kitchen] Excuse me, what is going on? [more agents come in through the back door behind him. The female puts Gerald against a wall and frisks him.]\nAgent 5: 640. On the first floor. [Agent 3 brings Sheila down the stairs]\nSheila: Who are you people?\nAgent 3: We're ICE, ma'am.\nGerald: We're American citizens!\nAgent 5: Just doin' our job, sir. If you check out, you'll be released from the detention centers.\nGerald: Get the fuck out of my house! [the agents haul the Broflovskis out the door.]\nKyle: Mom! Dad!\nGerald: This is ridiculous! You can't take our children away from us!\nCartman: [looking on through binoculars from his bedroom window and chuckles while snacking on chips.] That's so sweet.\nAgent 2: You guys take the parents, we'll take the kids. [Ike runs to Sheila and holds on to her]\nAgent 1: [grabs ahold of him] Come on, you! [grunts as he struggles to pull Ike off Sheila]\nSheila: NO! You will not take my children from me!\nCartman: Ha ha. No way. [grabs a handful of chips and eats them]\nGerald: I-I'm telling you, I just don't know where our passports are!\nAgent 3: Then we have to detain you. If you're legal, you can sort it all out on Monday.\nSheila: Monday?! [agent 2 pulls Ike off Sheila. Kyle is pushed into the back of a black sedan. He looks up from the backseat and sees Cartman smiling and waving to him.]\nKyle: Goddamit, Cartman!\nSheila: Ike! [to the agents] YOU CAN'T DO THIS! [Ike is put in the back of agent 2's car. The agents pull away from the house in their cruisers]\nScene Description: City Hall, day. Stan speaks to the city council. Randy and Towelie sit in the otherwise empty audience section, and Randy interjects from time to time.\nStan: [reading from 3x5 index cards] What happened to our country? People are being wronged by a broken system, and we must say \"NO MORE.\" No more homegrown marijuana.\nRandy: [voicing several fake witnesses] Yeah, that's right! Yeah, that's right. Me too. Yeah, that's right!\nStan: As the son of a proud American farmer, I am concerned about what homegrown can lead to. People can grow weed wrong and poison themselves. What?\nRandy: Yeah, that's right. Yeah! Come on!\nStan: Unscrupulous growers could use cheap irrigation and drown babies. Oh, come on.\nRandy: That's right. Drown babies, yeah. Drown babies, that's right. Drown babies.\nStan: The fact is simple. Marijuana must be grown with Tegridy.\nRandy: Tegridy.\nStan: [mimicking Randy] Tegridy.\nScene Description: South Park, on the drive home. Randy, Stan, and Towelie are quiet\nRandy: [Angrily takes a hit from his joint] Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!\nTowelie: [starts to roll a joint] Oh, why does it matter?\nRandy: Why does it? Ugh! Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!\nStan: Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.\nRandy: You know what? Fuck South Park!\nTowelie: Fuck South Park?\nRandy: Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!\nTowelie: ... I don't know if you wanna say \"Fuck South Park.\"\nScene Description: A detention center in Texas, day. An ICE bus pulls up and drops off its group of kids. Kyle is among them\nJeff: Good day, children. My name is Jeff.\nDavid: Buenos días, niños. Me llamo Jefe. [\"Good morning, kids. My name is Heff-e\"]\nJeff: We know you've been separated from your families.\nDavid: Tu familia no está aquí, Es triste. Tu kri. Tu kri. [\"Your family is not here. So sad. You cry. You cry.\"]\nJeff: But we want you to get a little excited about the fun we have in store for you.\nDavid: Aquí es mervilosa! Divértida! [\"It's marvelous here! Fun!\"] [the two agents lead the kids inside]\nScene Description: The detention center, inside\nJeff: Everyone, please take your own piece of aluminum foil.\nDavid: Papél de aluminió, por favor. [\"Please take a sheet of aluminium\"] [each kid takes an aluminum sheet and goes into a large space to be used for sleeping]\nRodgers: All new kids, el nombre [\"Name\"]. Line up and announce when your name is read. Martinez!\nMartinez: Aquí. [\"Here\"]\nRodgers: Aguilar?\nAguilar: Aquí. [\"Here\"]\nRodgers: Broflovski?\nKyle: Here! [the agent is shocked and looks around, then looks at David, approaching]\nDavid: Broflovski - is, is that an El Salvadorean name?\nKyle: No, I'm Jewish. [Jeff and the other two agents are alarmed.]\nJeff: What?! How did a Jew get in here?\nKyle: I'm just here because some fat intolerant asshole didn't want me around!\nBoy: Yeah, that's why I'm here too.\nGirl: Yeah, me too.\nJeff: Oh boy, we've gotta get this kid out of here. [voice softens to a whisper] People might think we're racist.\nScene Description: The Marsh house, day. A car pulls up and two corporate bigwigs step out of it and walk to the front door. Randy comes out to greet his guests.\nRandy: Ah, sorry, tours at 11 and 2, and 4:20.\nBigwig 1: Oh, we're not here for a tour, we represent a billion-dollar marijuana company.\nRandy: Ohh, I told you rich, big-city folk before: You can't buy Tegridy!\nBigwig 1: You seem to be fighting the same fight we are. We just wanna help you. [pulls out a joint and lights it up with a lighter, then takes a toke before handing it to Randy.] Ever heard of Med Men?\nRandy: Yeah, I think so. [takes a toke and hands it back] What do you want with me?\nBigwig 1: Well, we have a common problem. [takes a toke] Homegrown weed.\nBigwig 2: [takes the joint from his partner] We're just worried about safety, you know? [takes a toke] Babies drowning in irrigation and such.\nRandy: [takes the joint from Bigwig 2] Yeah, I hate watching babies drown. [takes a toke] Seems like a waste of a good baby. [hands the joint to Bigwig 1]\nBigwig 1: We're glad you agree. [takes a toke] Now what-? [Randy tokes several times]\nRandy: So you guys wanna team up and piggyback on the goodwill of the legalization movement for some good old-fashioned crony capitalism? I'm totally in. [exhales and a bunch of smoke drifts out]\nScene Description: Detention center, Texas, day. Jeff, Kyle, and another agent site in Jeff's office. Behind Kyle is a waiting room with a one-way window\nJeff: Sorry for our little mistake. We're goin' to get you on your way home as soon as we can.\nKyle: What about all the other kids? When do they get to go home?\nJeff: Hey. When it's raining, you gotta roll up the windows. We understand these things are hard for your people.\nKyle: My people? Aren't you worried about what you're creating here?!\nJeff: What do you mean?\nKyle: You're pulling children away from their parents and isolating them behind bars.\nJeff: Yes.\nKyle: You're traumatizing them and teaching them to fear the U.S. government.\nJeff: Correct.\nKyle: Okay, let me try to put this in terms you people will understand. You know superhero movies, right?\nDavid: [gets excited and looks up from his phone] Yeah!\nKyle: Okay. You remember how they always create the villain? Some random person who, when they were a child, got taken from their parents and locked away? And the kid was just left to sit and plot revenge? What you're doing here is creating a Mexican Joker! [The agents get alarmed again] And what's a Mexican Joker gonna do? He's gonna grow up and have memories of being wronged by you, and he will grow and wait, and then finally [makes a fist with his right hand and pounds it into his left hand] fight back with a passion unlike anything you've ever seen!\nJeff: Which one of them do you think is Mexican Joker?\nKyle: No, it could be any of them! That's the point! You don't know which kid in there is gonna snap from being separated and locked down like this!\nDavid: But... Doesn't Mexican Joker understand that we're just doing our job and making America great?\nKyle: Mexican Joker doesn't care! When that kid grows up, all that will matter is getting back at all of you!\nDavid: Well, what would Mexican Joker-\nJeff: Hey David, can I talk to you alone, please. Excuse us, kid. [Jeff puts Kyle in a waiting room just outside the office. Jeff and David begin to argue, but the office is soundproof, so we hear nothing. The camera switches to inside the office] Now then, the most important thing is that we've got to keep this quiet! We can't let Mexican Joker know that we're onto him.\nDavid: I don't wanna be part of a bad guy flashback scene. Maybe we should get kids out of here.\nJeff: Now, listen: that's just what he wants us to do.\nDavid: What are you saying?\nJeff: Im saying, what if he's on Mexican Joker's side? [the both look at Kyle through the window]\nScene Description: The Marsh living room, evening. Randy has taken to adding up the tally himself on the laptop. Towelie enters the room\nTowelie: [upset] Hey Randy, did you go make a deal with another weed company?\nRandy: Yes, Towelie. I'm working on a merger with Med Men.\nTowelie: Med Men? But, those guys are posers.\nRandy: We have a deal in the works to help each other put a stop to home-growers once and for all.\nTowelie: Jesus... You know, I knew a guy who thought weed should be for everybody. A guy who believed in integrity. I don't understand who you even are anymore.\nRandy: That's because I'm the president of the company, and YOU are a TOWEL!\nTowelie: YOU're a towel!\nRandy: What is wrong with trying to protect our business? [Towelie walks towards the front door]\nTowelie: [stops and turns around] Because weed isn't supposed to be some money-grubbin' business model! It's a gift from God! And not something to exploited by some stupid towel! [opens the door and steps out]\nRandy: I AM NOT A TOWEL!\nTowelie: [turns around] Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Randy. You are not a towel. [leaves, and Randy sighs with a mix of relief and anger]\nScene Description: The Texas detention center, day. Jeff puts on a puppet show with David on the bullhorn and another agent at the spinet piano. Jeff provides the voices.\nPrincess Star: My name is Princess Star, for I shine like all the stars in the night sky.\nJeff: Kids, let's all say hi to Princess Star!\nDavid: Hi, Princess Star.\nMexican Joker: Ha ha ha haa! It's me, Mexican Jokerrrrr!\nJeff: Oh no! Everyone boo Mexican Joker, kids! Boooo!\nDavid: Boooo!\nMexican Joker: I'm filled with anger and rage for what happened to me as a child! So now I will kill and rape you all!\nPrincess Star: But Mexican Joker, you forget the magic word: Forgiveness. [a ding prompts the screen behind Jeff to come on and show \"FORGIVENESS/EL PARDON\"]\nMexican Joker: I don't care about forgiveness!\nPrincess Star: But you are a migrant from another country. We had to protect our borders and secure our jobs.\nMexican Joker: I don't care! I'm going to rape you now! [Jeff has Mexican Joker rape Princess Star]\nPrincess Star: Oh no, no, what about forgiveness?\nMexican Joker: No forgiveness! [the kids' jaws drop as they see this simulated rape]\nJeff: Boo! That's enough, Mexican Joker! Your rage and your anger have made you a bad person in the eyes of Christ. I know your life was hard as a kid, but everyone has hard times. [a bell rings and the show stops]\nAgent 6: Another busload comin' in.\nJeff: [weary] Another busload? Oh, criminy!\nScene Description: Texas detention center, outside. The ICE bus pulls up again and drops off its load of kids. This time, Cartman is among the kids. Kyle goes to the window to see the new kids.\nJeff: Welcome, children. My name is Jeff.\nDavid: Hola niños, me llamo Jefe... [\"Hello, kids. My name is Heff-e...\"] [the kids are processed as before, but don't receive aluminum blankets. They go to the sleeping area. Cartman walks up to Kyle, who glares at him]\nCartman: Oh, hey Kyle.\nKyle: What the fuck are you doing here?!\nCartman: So weak. Jimmy pissed me off 'cause he told the teacher I was texting in class, so I told Jimmy I'd have him sent off to a migrant detention center. He didn't believe me, so I said \"Oh, I already did it to Kyle.\" Stan heard that, so he got pissed off and had me sent off to a migrant detention center.\nKyle: I haven't seen my parents in *two weeks*! Nobody even knows where my little brother is!\nCartman: I know. I know it sucks. But we're stuck in here together. Come on, buys. All we have to do is try to make the most of it. [smiles]\nScene Description: It's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for us. [bounces around]'\nScene Description: South Park, day. Randy wanders through Downtown and stops at CottonCraft Linen & Towels, where he stares at the window display of towels.\nClerk 2: Hey, are you gonna buy a towel or just stare at them?\nRandy: I'm not a towel!\nClerk 2: Go on! Get out of here! [Randy turns and walks away. As he walks down the sidewalk, he starts to groan as memories of recent days come flooding into his mind, accompanies by a range of emotions. The imaginary heads of Mr. Mackey, Stephen and Jimbo start to float around Randy]\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, you know, I think I'll just grow my own weed.\nStephen: Oh yeah, I'm growin' my own weed.\nJimbo: I enjoy growin' my own weed now.\nStephen: I'll grow my own weed.\nJimbo: My own weed.\nMr. Mackey: My own weed. I'll grow my own weed.\nJimbo: I enjoy growin' my own weed.\nStephen: Hey, I think I'll just grow my own weed. [Randy finds himself inside CottonCraft and angrily stares at the towels on display again.]\nClerk 2: [throws him out] I said get out of here if you aren't buying towels! [Randy walks on getting filled with rage as he hears the voices again.]\nStephen: I'll grow my own weed.\nJimbo: My own weed.\nStephen: My own weed. I'll grow my own weed.\nJimbo: I'll grow my own weed.\nStephen: I'll grow my own weed.\nRandy: [falling into despair thinking of himself as a towel] Aaaaaaaaaaah! [roars as he falls onto his knees in the middle of the street] Ah. Augh! Aaaaawwww!!\nScene Description: Texas detention center clinic. A boy is strapped down to a table and wearing an electrified headband. He has a gag in his mouth. An agent zaps electricity through the boy from the headband\nJeff: Hey. Hey! What the hell are you guys doin'?!\nDavid: Oh, hey Jeff. Rodgers read an article about how electroshock therapy can help people who've gone through traumatic experiences. We figured some treatments could help Mexican Joker deal with his trauma.\nJeff: Are you guys completely stupid?! We can't perform shock therapy on every child that comes in here! Think of the budgetary restraints!\nDavid: To hell with the costs, Jeff! If Mexican Joker doesn't have flashbacks, then he doesn't grow up to be a monster!\nJeff: What if this IS the flashback?! We might be IN the flashback, Dave! Maybe you're shocking the child that grows up to be Mexican Joker! [Rodgers takes over and zaps the boy]\nDavid: [distraught] Oh God! I don't know which way is up anymore!\nJeff: We can't fight this guy alone, Dave. It's time to alert the military.\nScene Description: Texas detention center clinic. The lights are out and most of the kids are asleep. Kyle and Cartman sleep back to back, but Cartman stands up and sings, and Kyle gets annoyed.\nCartman: Don't it feel like the wind is always howlin'? Don't it seem like there's never any light? Santa never comes for me. Santa Claus no está aquí. [\"Santa Claus is not here\"] [Kyle takes his aluminum sheet, goes to a wall and wraps himself up in the sheet, then rests against that wall. Cartman follows him] Aw, come on, Kyle. I know it's no fun to be in here, but you can't think about yourself. Think about the greater good. [thinks a moment] Now, when you don't like people, you can have then taken from their families and put into camps. Why does that make you [gasps in realization] Ohhh my God. Ohhh Jesus, Kyle. I've totally forgotten you're a... Of course, you're extra sensitive to this stuff. Oh, dude, I'm so sorry. [Kyle takes his sheet and leaves the wall.] Oh, my God, Kyle. I didn't even make the connection, you know? I was just like, Oh, I'm gonna have Kyle thrown into a detention camp. That'll be sweet,\" and I didn't stop to think that... for you guys... it's not that sweet. Man, if I had just thought it through for like, two more minutes, I would have got you back some other way. I feel terrible, Kyle.\nKyle: Wait. I have an idea how to get everyone out of here. Get everyone's aluminum foil and some scissors.\nCartman: Why, Kyle? What are you gonna do with-\nKyle: Just do it before I kill you!\nCartman: Aluminum foil and some scissors. [walks off to collect them]\nScene Description: A couple washing dishes in their own kitchen.\nHusband: That was a great dinner, honey.\nWife: What do you wanna do for dessert?\nHusband: Hey! How about I cut us down some of our homegrown weed and we get baked?\nWife: I'm in. [the husband walks out to the backyard for some weed and hears some noise. In the shadows, Randy sneaks away]\nHusband: Is someone there? [no other sound is heard] Huh. [walks to his weed and pulls out a knife to cut some down]\nWife: Jack? Everything alright?\nJack: Yeah. You want a normal size, or a big fatty? [the weed explodes and rips him to bits] Aa-\nWife: JAACK! [a series of explosions follow throughout the neighborhood]\nScene Description: Breaking News\nNews Anchor: A brutal act of terror in an American town. Tonight, innocent people were attacked at their homes, in their yards, and the FBI believes they know who is responsible. The probable suspect? [A portrait sketch of a Mexican male with a thin mustache, wearing a sombrero appears at the corner of the screen.] Mexican Joker. [shows a look of dread, as the sound of people screaming is heard] Uhuh. Yeah, that's right. Joining me now is Commander Miller of National Defense.\nCmdr Miller: We've only recently learned of Mexican Joker's existence.\nNews Anchor: Waa huhaugh.\nCmdr Miller: He has no reason. He has no compassion.\nNews Anchor: Aaagh.\nCmdr Miller: Mexican Joker simply wants to invoke fear.\nNews Anchor: Oohh!\nCmdr Miller: We are advising people to stay inside!\nNews Anchor: Uh, look. Captain, uh... Captain, what made Mexican Joker this way? Why is Mexican Joker so... filled with hate?\nCmdr Miller: Well, it's most likely something that happened to him as a child. Whatever bent Mexican Joker's mind this way, it clearly happened a... long... a long time ago. [the news break dissolves into the Texas detention center, and Jeff is at his desk]\nJeff: Oh shit, it's the flashback!\nDavid: This is the flashback?!\nJeff: It's the flashback! Come on! Something must be happening with the kids! [the agents rush to the sleeping area and see a gathering] Oh Christ, look!\nKyle: Shema Israel Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai ehad. [\"Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.\"]\nJeff: He's converting them all to Judaism!\nKids: Shema Israel Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai ehad. [\"Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.\"]\nJeff: Oh Jesus, they're all Jews with their little aluminum foil yarmulkes!\nDavid: Jeff, you know what this means? Now we'll have to let them all go! This is how Mexican Joker breaks free!\nJeff: Hey, that's right. It is. [takes out a pistol and shoots both David and Rodgers in the head, then shoots another agent inside the sleeping area. All three agents die]\nCartman: Whoa!\nJeff: [pulls our his key ring and fumbles for the right key] Mexican Joker, I just want you to remember that I helped you. Jeff Corrigan. Remember, Jeff was your buddy. Now, come on! Let's go, Mexican Joker! [unlocks the gate]\nKyle: Goddamnit, nobody here is Mexican Joker! That's not what I meant! The future is not set! We make decisions now that affect our future!\nJeff: Nobody here is Mexican Joker?\nKyle: NO!!\nJeff: Oh, then I'm in the wrong flashback. [runs off and out of the center, kills a couple of more guards, hops into a car and drives away. The kids listen to the whole thing]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, dawn. Inside, the family is having breakfast. Randy paces around the table and takes a seat between Sharon and Stan\nRandy: Well, gang. Looks like Tegridy Farms are turning big profits again. We're on our way to becoming the biggest weed brand in the country. I'm not getting pushed around now, you got it? So go on. Anybody here wants to call me a towel, just go ahead and do it! Go on, Sharon. Call me a towel.\nSharon: Fine. You're a towel. [gets up and walks away]\nRandy: Best towel you ever had, bitch!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Stan plays an acoustic guitar in his room and hums softly, writing down lyrics from time to time\nRandy: [pops in for a moment] Stan! Family meeting! Get downstairs! [leaves]\nStan: I'm writing a song, Dad.\nRandy: [returns] Nobody cares about that! Come on! I've got big news! [runs down the hallway and downstairs, laughing, and enters the dining room. Shelley is at the table reading her phone, Sharon is at the sink] Sharon! Shelly! Hurry! I've got it! [runs out to the living room. The others follow him there. Stan has his guitar and sits on the sofa]\nSharon: What is it, Randy?\nRandy: You guys, I've just had the greatest idea ever!\nStan: We're gonna move back to our old house?\nRandy: No! I've been trying to figure out how to make more money selling weed. And last night, it came to me. We could grow the family business by selling Tegridy... to the Chinese. [an epiphany plays] I did a little research. Turns out there's a lot of people in China. If we can get like 2% of that market to buy our weed, we'd make millions and millions of dollars! I'm flying to China tomorrow. I've got to get in on this before anyone else thinks of it. [walks towards the kitchen]\nSharon: Tomorrow? Ugh! [cuts him off and pulls him aside] Randy, are you forgetting about this Saturday?\nRandy: What's this Saturday?\nSharon: Autumnfest? Stan's concert? He and his little friends have been rehearsing all week. A lot of people in town are coming out to support him. Everyone but you?\nRandy: Everyone? [turns to Stan and whips out a Tegridy Farms shirt] Stan, you need to wear your Tegridy T-shirt at the performance.\nStan: Aw, come on, Dad!\nRandy: Stan, they're available on Amazon starting Friday, so you could really help promote the family business while I'm gone! [walks up to Stan] But, then again, I guess family doesn't mean all that much to you. [tosses the shirt onto Stan and walks away]\nScene Description: Autumn Fest, day. A crowd mills around the festival as more people arrive. A horseshoe lands around a pole and Mr. Tweak is shown rejoicing as Mrs. Tweak and Tweek look on. The Blacks walk away from a food stand. Steve carries a burger while Token holds a cotton candy cone. A couple sings onstage. She plays the banjo while he plays the fiddle.\nKate & Earl: Tumbleweeds and squirrels, my darlin'. Tumbleweeds and squirrels. [the crowd claps for them]\nKate: Yeah.\nMayor McDaniels: Okay, that was the South Park Soundaroos! Thanks again to Kate and Earl! Alright, up next we have four of our local South Park fourth graders who have formed a band. Let's hear it for Stan Marsh and Crimson Dawn. [applause swells]\nSharon: Hi, Stanley! [waves to him as she holds up her phone to record him. Shelley stands next to her, and Grandpa sits behind them. Behind them is the McCormick family. Crimson Dawn gets onstage, with Stan on vocals, Butters on guitar, Kenny on bass, and Jimmy on drums.]\nStephen: Hoh, there's our Butters.\nLinda: [swooning] Oh, Butters! Oh, aren't they cute?\nStan: [nervously] Um, hi. We're Crimson Dawn, and um, this is a song I wrote about living out in the country, on a farm.\nJimmy: Alright, f-f-f-fellas, just like we rehearsed it. And-a 1, and-a 2, and -a [death metal music plays.]\nStan: [growls] Fate is over! Open your eyes!\nButters: Get me off this farm!\nStan: There is no hope, no second chance! All the elders saw the fall of the sky! Pride and glory! To touch the sky, we've burned the earth! Built our own infirmity!\nScene Description: A jet airplane, day. Passengers enter the cabin. Randy soon appears and takes a seat next to a passenger who's reading his phone, sets down his satchel, and buckles up.\nRandy: First time goin' to China?\nPassenger 1: Uhn, no, not really.\nRandy: [cheerfully] It's my first time. I'm goin' out to try and drum up a little \"business.\" What are you headin' out for?\nPassenger 1: Uh, I work for a clothing company. We're trying to break into the market and get the Chinese people as customers.\nRandy: Ohhh, huhuh, heeeyy. Fuck you.\nPassenger 1: Huh?\nRandy: I, I had that idea like three days ago.\nPassenger 1: So what?\nRandy: So when did you come up with it? [two other passengers appear two rows behind them.]\nPassenger 2: Hehey, Mitchell, you're on this flight?\nMitchell: Yeah, that's so funny! I'm working for Google now, overseeing the expansions into the Chinese user base.\nPassenger 2: Heh, yeah, I'm still with the NBA doing some press with the players to try to... get more Chinese viewers.\nRandy: [looks around and sees three NBA players come in and put their carry-on luggage in overhead bins] Oh, for Christ's sake! You have a good idea and everyone wants to copy you! Fine! I can handle some healthy competition! Who else wants to go to China and get some of their money?! [a bunch of Disney characters stream in from the front of the cabin] Oh, for cryin' out loud! [Thor sits next to Randy] Let me guess. You work for a company trying to get Chinese people as customers. \"Wow, where'd you get that idea?\" [a First Order Stormtrooper sits to Thor's right, Snow White to the Passenger 1's left.] It's okay, it's okay. I'm sure there's plenty of Chinese people for all of us.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Stan's band is practicing in the barn\nStan (Butters): [growling] Searching, wandering Looking for the perfect specimen. Still pure. (Hate this farm!) Immature. (I hate this farm!) Acknowledged sickness concealed, swaggering! Unseen (Hate this farm!) Wandering (I hate this farm!) Looking for the perfect specimen. [a man appears in the barn doorway and snaps his fingers to the song. Stan notices and stops the music] Okay, okay. Wait uh, hang on, guys. [Stan, Butters and Jimmy look back at the man, Kenny looks at Stan.]\nProducer: [claps at them] Very good, boys! [stops clapping] I hear you guys play at Autumnfest. I really like your sound.\nButters: Who are you?\nProducer: Well I'm a producer. I manage all the big rock bands in South Park. PC Babies... All of them!.\nJimmy: You manage the PC Babies? Holy smokes, fellas, they're huge!\nStan: You wanna sign us so we can make a record and I can move away from here?\nProducer: Records? What, are you, kids, from the '90s!? There's no money in albums or singles or even tours anymore. What we need to focus on... is your biopic.\nStan: Biopic? You want to make the Crimson Dawn Biopic?\nProducer: PC Babies' biopic came out last week. Made over $100 million!\nButters: Wow wee!\nKenny: (What do ya think, Stan?)\nProducer: Well I'll just let you guys think on it, but don't take too long, huh?\nScene Description: International Airport in China, day. Chinese music plays as Randy walks through the airport and other passengers pick up their luggage. He walks up to customs. Two inspectors check the luggage of two passengers; the female inspector sends them on their way.\nFemale Inspector: 谢谢。下一位。[\"Thank you. Next.\"]\nRandy: [puts his suitcase on the scanner] Hello. Howdy. [hands his passport to the male inspector as the female inspector checks out the suitcase.] I'm a small business owner from the United States. You guys know any money people here? [the female inspector unzips the suitcase] Can I give you guys my card? I'm just starting to grow my business here in China. [the female inspector opens the suitcase to reveal the marijuana. The inspectors are shocked.]\nMale Inspector: 等一下，你看看这个。[\"Wait a minute, look at this\"]\nFemale Inspector: What is this, sir?\nRandy: Oh that? That's weed. Marijuana. You know. [simulates a smoke and then the smoke drifting away, then smiles. The female calls security over as Randy checks his Chinese translation app.]\nFemale Inspector: 保安，保安！赶紧过来！[\"Security, security! Get over here!\"]\nRandy: Ah, here. Here we go. Jay shi daamaa Tegridy Weed. [an officer just comes up and handcuffs him.] Whoa! Oh hey! Everything alright? What's going on? [the officer takes him away] Uh hey, don-don't forget my suitcase! C-could you grab my suitcase? All my weed is in there! Excuse me! Jay shi daamaa!\nScene Description: Spinny Mountain Records, day. The record producer lays out his plan for the boys. He stands next to a whiteboard with three-act listed on it. The acts haven't been filled in yet.\nProducer: What makes a band truly great? It's the desire to be heard, and a commitment to a three-act structure that has a 20-minute setup, about an hour and a half of conflict, and a big, triumphant resolution. SO, let's start at the beginning, gang. When did your band first form?\nStan: Uuummm, it was about two weeks ago.\nButters: Yeah. As a matter of fact, two and a half, three weeks ago, I'd say.\nStan: I hah, I hah, I hadn't seen my friend Kyle, and I hate living on a farm, so I started writing songs.\nProducer: That's good, that's good. [writes under Act I] \"Lost a close friend. Put loneliness into lyrics.\"\nButters: Yeah, and then Stan came to me, and then I said \"Well I can play the drums.\"\nJimmy: But he already asked me to play the drums\nButters: Well, so yeah, I, okay, I'll play guitar.\nProducer: [writes under Act 2] \"Inner conflict over direction of band.\" Good.\nStan: Oh. And then Kenny learned to play bass watching YouTube videos of John Lennon with the Dalai Lama.\nProducer: Oh no oh OH oh yeah, no no, we don't wanna go there. Talking about the Dalai Lama doesn't go over well with the Chinese.\nJimmy: The the the what?\nProducer: Look, for this movie to really make money, we need to make sure it clears the Chinese censors, you know. We want those Chinese viewers..\nStan: [somewhat upset] Aw, seriously?\nProducer: Oh it's okay, there's plenty of other things to talk about with your story. How about, uh, what kind of things were you into when you were younger?\nButters: Well, I always liked Winnie the Pooh.\nProducer: Okay-oh no. Nonono, that's definitely off-limits. Winnie the Pooh is illegal in China because some Chinese students said that he looked like the Chinese president,\nStan: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous!\nProducer: Hey, you wanna move away from your family, right? You wanna be successful on your own, right?\nStan: [a bit defeated] Yeah.\nProducer: All right. Well, you know what they say you gotta lower your ideals of freedom if you wanna suck on the warm teat of China.\nScene Description: A Chinese prison, rainy day. A group of prisoners is sent across a yard, Randy struggles to keep up. A soldier strikes a prisoner on the left cheek with the butt of a rifle. Next scene is the prisoners assembling toy robots in a dimly lit room. Next scene is the rainy yard again. Randy stands in the middle of it alone as soldiers stand far away from him. One of the soldiers approaches and gives him a card to read, then shocks him to get him to speak.\nRandy: Aaaugh. I am a proud member of the Communist Party, The Party is more important than the individual. [next scene has the prisoners assembling dolls in a brightly lit room. Someone is moaning outside, and he goes to the window to see who it is.]\nPrisoner 1: 不要！求求你放过我吧！不要，不要，求求你... [A prisoner is on his knees begging for his life. A soldier walks up and just shoots him, and he falls over. Randy is unnerved by this. Randy is then taken to a cell full of prisoners and thrown in. Nearby, a prisoner poops into a hole in the ground. Randy is alarmed]\nA familiar voice: Oh, hello there.\nRandy: [a bit spooked] Who, who's there?\nWinnie the Pooh: Nobody. Just a bear. [steps into the light. Piglet shows up next to him] I was wondering since you're new if you might have... some honey?\nRandy: No, I don't have any honey. Are you prisoners here?\nPiglet: Some people said Pooh looked like the Chinese p-p-p-president, so we're illegal in China now.\nRandy: Jesus. What kind of madhouse is this?\nScene Description: Tribunal, day. Two guards flank a prisoner as he pleads his case. The judge responds and the prisoner gets down on his knees. The guards soon carry him off. The judge asks for the next case, and Randy is brought up\nPrisoner 2: 我求你原谅我。我是个很烂的人。我再也不会取笑共产党了。[\"Please forgive me, I beg you. I'm just a useless person. I won't make fun of the Communist Party anymore.\"]\nPresiding Judge: 你为你的国家和家人为耻。再补上十年！[\"You have brought shame to your country and your family. Another ten years for you!\"]\nPrisoner 2: 不要！我求你不要！我不能再回去了，我不能再回去！[\"No! Please don't! I can't go back, I can't go back!\"]\nPresiding Judge: 快把下一位带进来！[\"Bring in the next one!\"]\nRandy: Your Honors, I'm just a simple farmer, from a simpler time. Now, I've never been to China before, but I hate to say I'm a little disappointed in all of you. From what I've seen, you seem to treat your people like dirt. You don't believe in any individual freedoms. I mean, you got Winnie the Pooh and Piglet in jail! Now, come on, China! You know, a country ain't nothin' unless it's got decency and in-tegrity! And I think I speak for Pooh and Piglet and all of Disney when I say you could use some 'tegrity, China! [brightens up] Now, it just so happens that I own a Tegridy farm. And I think I might be able to work out a deal for all you nice folk.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan, Jimmy, Kenny, and Butters walk down the hallway.\nStan: This is so awesome, you guys. Our band is gonna be huge.\nButters: Yeah. And, we're gonna be rich.\nKenny: (They're the same thing.)\nJimmy: [annoyed] Yeah. Isn't this just great?\nStan: Hey. What's wrong, Jimmy?\nJimmy: Fella, I need to tell you something. I think I'm homosexual. And also, I'm addicted to cocaine.\nButters: Oh, that's okay, Jimmy.\nStan: Yeah, we can get you a liver transplant.\nProducer: Cut! Cut! Listen, guys, we uh just got word back from the Chinese censors. They don't want us mentioning organ transplants.\nStan: How come?\nProducer: Well, they've been accused of harvesting from the-look look, it doesn't matter. They, they just said \"no\" to the organ stuff. Oh, and uhh, no homosexuality either.\nStan: No homosexuality?! We're trying to do a band biopic!\nButters: Yeah! And what's wrong with homosexuality anyway?!\nProducer: Nothing. Unless you wanna make money in China. Now come on! Everyone back to one!\nScene Description: A convention, somewhere. Disney, Marvel, and Star Wars characters from Pirates of the Caribbean, Beauty and the Beast, The Avengers, Frozen, Snow White, Winnie the Pooh, Aladdin, and others stand around chatting with each other.\nMickey Mouse: [opens the door and enters the hall] All right?! Who's the asshole?! Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Haha. Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?!\nThor: Well, it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people in forced labor cam-\nMickey: SHUT THE FUCK UP, THOR! You're here to flex and not speak, you fucking bitch!\nPooh: Please, Mr. Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet because we were political prisoners.\nMickey: YOU are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now, who the fuck is Mr. Marsh?!\nRandy: Uhhh, that's me. Randy Marsh\nMickey: Who is this?! I don't know you?! Are you from Pixar?!\nRandy: No, I'm from South Park.\nMickey: What's South Park? Do I own that?!\nOff-Screen Assistant: No, not yet sir.\nMickey: You're telling me, haha, that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from MY company?!\nRandy: Hey, hold on a minute! Do you really think this business should be run through intimidation and fear?! Whatever happened to old-time values?! You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy! But there's one thing you don't have. That's Tegridy. Now, it just so happens-\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day.\nMr. Mackey: Boys, I understand you have a band at the school?\nStan: Yeah. what's wrong with that?\nMr. Mackey: Well, boys, it seems to me like your music is kind of... angry. M'kay? I mean, it's really loud, m'kay, and it's a little angry.\nStan: Yeah, because I hate living on a farm 30 miles out of town!\nJimmy: Yeah, tell him, Stan!\nStan: I can't stand my dad anymore, and if I want to do death metal, I can! It's a free country!\nProducer: Cut! Cut! Cut, cut. [flanked by two Chinese officials] Ah kids, let's not say anything about this being a free country.\nStan: Aw, come on!\nProducer: Hey! These guys were nice enough to come all the way from China to help us with our standards. We can at least listen to their notes. [One of the two men whispers into his ear.] Oh. Oka-okay. Okay. [to the boys] Actually gang, we need to rewrite the whole second act.\nStan: But that will take forever!\nProducer: Come on, guys! Everyone else is fine with China approving our entertainment. Even the PC Babies don't seem to mind, and PC Babies cry about everything. [approaches Stan] They just gotta rewrite the script before we continue shooting. Go back to your room and just write your story. It has to come from your heart.\nScene Description: The Chinese tribunal, day. Mickey is making his case. He now tries to sell the Chinese on Randy's business proposal, and just like in South Park, the proposal was rejected. Mickey and Randy sit on a bench smoking weed. Mickey is pissed off.\nMickey: It's like, it's like they didn't even wanna listen.\nRandy: They didn't listen at all? But I... wuh-why not?\nMickey: It's the bear. They're still pissed off about the bear.\nRandy: But for what?\nMickey: 'Cause some Chinese people on the Internet starting posting pictures of their President as Winnie the Pooh. It's a real thing. Look it up. [on Tegridy] Man, this is really good shit.\nRandy: What if we took their side, then? What if we showed China that we understand how they feel to be made fun of on the Internet?\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is in his room working on the second act. He hears the producer's words in his mind: \"Remember: write your story. The script has to come from your heart.\" He begins to write, then picks up speed and smiles. He's found his groove. A Chinese censor walks up behind him and looks over his work. The censor walks some more, then turns and scribbles over the script. Stan looks up, surprised, but starts over. The censor paces behind him and stops again to scribble the script out. Stan sighs. Annoyed, Stan shields his paper and starts writing again. When he's finished, he hands the script to the censor, who finds it funny, but he reaches a part he doesn't find funny.\nCensor: 嗯？这是什么？！你给中国人丢脸啊！[\"Huh? What is this? This is a disgrace to the Chinese people!\"] [The censor rips the script apart. Stan sighs again and tosses the pencil aside, pulls out his laptop, and start writing the script there. The Censor looks on, then intervenes, and rewrites the script. They go back and forth working on the script. After yet another edit, Stan rests his head on his left hand.]\nStan: Now I know how all the writers in Hollywood feel. [the censor laughs, then complains.]\nCensor: 嗯？这是什么？！[\"Huh? What is this?\"]\nScene Description: Beihing, day. In a Chinese bazaar, Pooh and Piglet wander freely.\nPiglet: My Goodness. China sure is a big p-p-p-p-place.\nPooh: Yes, Piglet. It is. Too big, I think, to find what I need. [turns left into a shop] Excuse me.\nMerchant: Huh?\nPooh: Would you happen to have... some honey?\nMerchant: 啊！我不要麻烦！我不要麻烦！走！[\"Ah! Don't bother me, don't bother me! Leave!\"]\nPooh: Oh bother. This just doesn't seem to be the place... for a bear.\nPiglet: [looks right] Wait. Pooh. Loo-l-l-look, look. [Winnie looks. In the middle of an alley is a table with a jar of honey on it.]\nPooh: Ooo, piglet! What wonderful luck! [rushes to the table and starts gobbling up the honey.] What delicious honey! Mmm. I would like to share, Piglet. Perhaps... I will share. In just a few more slurps, I can. [Randy pounces up behind him and chokes him with a cable, then takes him down to the pavement]\nPiglet: [looks on in horror] W-W-What are you do-Wha-No! Ohh! [Pooh continues to struggle, as blood begins to come out his neck. It takes a while, but Randy gets it done. Pooh is dead. Randy's face is covered in Pooh's blood.]\nScene Description: South Park, day. The boys sit on the sidewalk curb\nStan: I can't do it anymore, you guys. I can't even think with the Chinese government censoring everything I write.\nButters: So there's not gonna be a biopic movie for us?\nStan: It's so wrong. You know, I mean, we live in a time when the only movies us American kids go see are ones that are approved by China.\nJimmy: Yeah. It' like China is the new MPAA.\nButters: Stinks to say goodbye to all that biopic money and glory.\nStan: We just gotta face it. A death metal band is never gonna make real money anymore. The only band that would get approved by China would be all vanilla and cheesy. [gets emotional] I'm gonna have to live on that fucking farm forever. [lowers his head and sobs quietly. Butters comforts him. The ICE bus pulls up and drops off Kyle and Cartman.]\nStan: [looks up] Kyle! Dude, you're back! [rushed up to meet him. The other boys follow.]\nCartman: Yeah, the migrant detention camp was kewl, but it kinda rubs Kyle the wrong way. [puts up his right hand and points to it with his left]\nKyle: Anything happen while we were gone?\nStan: Not really. We just almost had a biopic made for our band, but ...wait a minute... [his eyes dart around as he thinks] Wait, vanilla and cheesy! I've got it. I've got it!\nScene Description: Broncs, Live Aid, 1984, at Invesco Field. This is a fabrication, as the boys weren't alive back then, or they'd be men now. Jimmy walks up to the drums and starts drumming. Butters walks in playing electric guitar and wails away. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk in dressed in their Fingerbang outfits\nFingerbang: Fingerbang-bang! Bang bang. Fingerbang-bang! Bangbangbang. I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright. 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang-\nStan: Cut. Cut, cut! [the special effects disappear and the green screen in the gym is shown] This is all wrong.\nProducer: No, it's good, kids! They're loving it!\nStan: Yeah, but I can't sell my soul like this. I want to get away from that farm, more than anything, but it's not worth living in a world where China controls my country's art. [one of the censor's protests] I don't care how many people you have! I've got something in me that just won't let me be a part of all this.\nButters: Yeah! Whatever it is, I got it too!\nThe others: Yeah!\nStan: I wanna be proud of who we are, guys! And anybody who would betray their ideals just to make money in China isn't worth a lick of spit!\nScene Description: a Chinese video, similar to the gentrification commercials of Season 19. An acoustic guitar slowly plays over live-action footage of the 2015 China Victory Day Parade as well as people smoking, prisoners marching and clashes between protesters and riot police.\nNarrator: Us Chinese people have always liked things the old fashioned way. We like things a little simpler, a little quieter. And now, there's a new weed that goes along with China's beating heart. Because after a hard day of forced labor, or getting beaten for criticizing the government, we all could use a little time with some good ol'... It's the soul of the American West, right here in mother China. All hail the Communist Party, and all hail Tegridy weed.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A tractor backs up with a load of cash and dumps it onto the entrance. then drives off. Inside, the Marshes are eating dinner. Randy is back home but covered in Pooh's blood. He takes a hit from his joint.\nRandy: Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I don't know about you, but I, for one, think the world is gonna be a better, and safer, place, now that China finally has Tegridy.[takes another hit]\nStan: [notices his dad's appearance] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? [Randy just looks over his appearance] Dad? Did you kill Winnie the Pooh?\nRandy: Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves.] Where are ya goin', Stan?\nStan: I'm going to go write another song about you.\nRandy: Ooo, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, evening. A cake with \"300\" in candle form is shown. Randy is carrying the plate it's on\nRandy: Happy 300 to us. Happy 300 to us. Happy 300, Tegridy Farms.\nSharon, Stan, Shelley: [looking away in disgust] Ugh!\nRandy: Happy 300 thousand dollars. Can you believe it, gang? We've broken $300,000 selling weed. [gets a cold reception] Not to be a dick, but I remember when you, Sharon, and you, Shelley, said buying a pot farm was a [air quotes] \"stupid\" idea. Now we're living the dream.\nShelley: You're living the dream. This is your dream!\nRandy: [waits a few seconds] You know, [scoffs] is it me, or are people starting to not be that stoked on Tegridy Farms? [silence] Are you guys still pissed off about the China thing? [silence] You may not like that I do business with China [picks up the knife on the table], but personally, I think you guys having a problem with China is racist. Now come on! Let's celebrate 300! [starts to slice the cake] Who wants shots?!\nSharon: Shots?!\nScene Description: A clinic, day. Cartman sits on the exam bed in his briefs\nCartman: No shots! No shots!\nLiane: Eric, you have to be a big boy.\nDoctor: [starts to fill up a syringe] Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.\nCartman: [voice rising as the doctor draws closer] No! No! No! No! No! [screeches]\nDoctor: [stops] Eric, it's just a little prick.\nCartman: [laughs, and the doctor gets even closer] No! No! No! Noooooo!\nLiane: Good boy, Eric! [Cartman panics and jumps all over the place, knocking over bottles and breaking glass everywhere before just running around evading capture]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. PC Principal is talking to Liane and Eric in his office.\nPC Principal: Our school now has a very strict policy when it comes to immunizations. Everyone has to follow the protocol, or it puts everyone at risk.\nLiane: I'm sorry, PC Principal. It's just that my little Eric really doesn't like shots.\nPC Principal: Well, Eric, nobody likes shots. They're just a fact of life.\nLiane: No no, you don't understand. I-I've taken him to the doctor every Friday for the past four years. They try to give him his shot, but he gets scared and runs around. and he squeals like a little pig. The doctors try to catch him, but Eric greases himself up so they can't.\nPC Principal: I'm sorry, but my hands are tied here. If Eric isn't immunized, then he cannot go to this school.\nLiane: [sobbing] Please! I've tried everything! You have to let Eric go to school! I work all day, and without school, he'll just... he'll just have nothing!\nPC Principal: What do you think's gonna be different next time you try?\nLiane: Ih- if you could offer Eric something. Uhm, sometimes when Eric behaves this way, I think of a gift or a treat of some kind.\nCartman: Oh, that's a good idea.\nPC Principal: Like, what are you thinking?\nLiane: I don't know.\nCartman: Like, maybe, exclusive use of the tetherball court at recess for the next two months?\nLiane: Oh, w-would that be possible?\nPC Principal: What I care most about is the safety of the students, so if you take your shots, then I'll agree..\nCartman: Sweet.\nLiane: Eric, you really have to do it this time, okay? When we're at the doctor's you can't change your mind.\nCartman: [smiles] I won't change my mind.\nScene Description: Clinic waiting room, Friday morning. It's calm at the clinic until a pig's squeal is heard, along with the sound of things crashing and glass breaking. The doctor's office door opens and Cartman runs out naked on all fours squealing like a pig down the hallway, The doctor gives chase.\nLiane: [steps out of the office with Eric's clothes, trying to stay calm] Eric, it's okay! [the doctor tackles him and holds him for a while, but Cartman breaks free and runs into the receptionist's office, startling her. Papers fly up in the air and more glass breaks.]\nDoctor: [gives up and walks back to Liane] I'm sorry, but I have a lot of other patients to see. We'll just have to try again next week. [goes back into his office and closes the door]\nLiane: Come on, Eric, we're going home!\nCartman: [peeks out over the counter] We're going home? You promise?\nLiane: [frustrated] Let's go! Get in the car! [Cartman hops over the counter and follows Liane]\nCartman: Wait, can I get a toy from the toy chest?\nLiane: [off-screen] One toy, Eric!\nCartman: Cool! [reaches into the chest and grabs a toy, then goes out the door. He didn't bother putting his clothes back on.]\nScene Description: Downtown South Park, day. People are milling around as normal. Two motorcycle cops slowly drive by with their sirens chirping, and a float is heard approaching with marching band fanfare. The float appears - it's Randy standing at the top of the float celebrating his $300,000 achievement.\nRandy: [speaking over a loudspeaker] Yeah! 300! Tegridy Farms! Hello, South Park! Thanks for making Tegridy the most profitable farm in South park! We couldn't have done it without you, so here! [randomly tosses beads at people] Here are some beads! [\"China\" by Red Rocker begins to plays] Here you go! Beads for everybody! I've got $300,000! China, China! Da da, ya ya, history It was la lal la, China! China, China! [The townspeople don't know what to do as the beads continue to fly. Randy then drops his pants and starts to swing his penis around. Two motorcycle cops follow him out, chirping their sirens, and a janitor sweeps up after them] Alright, China!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys and Craig's gang are having lunch together.\nButters: So then I guess the school said Eric can't come here no more, and so he's been, like, kicked out.\nKyle: Cartman can't come to this school anymore?\nButters: Yeah, and he was actually kind of upset about it, because he said on the phone that he has to do homeschooling with this really mean teacher.\nKyle: Oh my God. [smiles] I don't know how long this will last, but I'm gonna savor every minute.\nCartman: [runs to the table] Hey guys! I'm back in school! I'm allowed back, and it's all good.\nStan: You got your shots?\nCartman: No. I don't have to get my shots, ever! [pushes Kyle and Kenny to wedge himself inbetween them and sits down] And they can't do anything about it, because I'm a \"consciousness objector.\"\nToken: A conscientious objector?\nCartman: Yeah I told the school, I said \"Look, you guys, I happen to have 'religious, moral, or philosophical convictions'.\" And so- and I said \"I believe that 'health and disease should not be controlled by vaccination'.\" Those are my beliefs! And besides, I don't want to risk immunizations making me artistic. [sniffles]\nStan: Dude, Cartman, don't you know that if you don't get immunized, you actually put people at risk who-\nCartman: [turns to Kenny] One second, one second. [gets ready to sneeze on Kenny] Sorry. One second, gotta sneeze. [nothing comes] Oh, never mind, never mind. [turns back to the others] I'm sorry. What were you saying?\nStan: I'm saying that we all had to get shots, and actually, if just one person doesn't- [Cartman sneezes and gets mucus all over his hands.]\nCartman: Oh! Snot web. I'll be right back, you guys. [leaves the table and walks around] Can somebody get me a paper towel? I got a snot web here. [leaves the cafeteria] Consciousness objector coming through!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, night. There's a parent-teacher meeting at the school gym. The parents are all discussing the situation\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. [the crowd quiets down] I understand your frustration, but a government organization like a school cannot impose its will on a conscientious objector..\nStephen: It's not safe for our kids to be in this school! You do understand that up to 5% of kids with vaccines can still be at risk! Everyone has to do it, or it doesn't matter!\nThomas: Yeah. I don't quite see how it's fair that all the rest of our community agrees to this. Why does one family get to have a problem with it?\nLiane: I'm sorry. It's just my strong, personal belief that [gets out a sheet of paper and reads] \"among other things, vaccines contain harmful ingredients formaldehyde, aluminum, and even mercury.\"\nStephen: Aw, come on, Mrs. Cartman! All major medical organizations state that vaccines are safe! The CDC, the FDA, UNICEF, and the US Department of Health!\nLiane: Yes, yes, I know, but... [reads from her sheet] \"We can't even risk a 0.1% chance of vaccinations making our children artistic.\"\nJimbo: Well, that's true. There are enough artists in the world.\nSheila: Look, I don't know what kind of mother wouldn't vaccinate their child, but it's putting everyone in danger, and that's why-\nLiane: [her frustration come through and she moves towards Sheila] Then you try to catch him! [stabs her index finger towards Sheila] You try it! Don't you people criticize me until you've taken Eric to the doctor and you've tried to hold him down! I'm a good mother! Don't you dare question if I care about my child!\nStuart: Oh, shit.\nStephen: Of, of course you care. Nobody likes seeing their child in pain. Maybe... maybe you should just let us take care of getting Eric his shots.\nLiane: [shaking with frustration] You don't understand how hard it is!\nStephen: We'll find a way to make it completely painless for him, okay?\nScene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sound asleep in his bed. Liane looks in on him, then moves on to her own room, where she turns the light on and off a few times. Downstairs, the living room door opens and Stephen enters quietly, followed by Linda, then by Gerald and Sheila. They all sneak across the living room to the stairs, then stop\nStephen: Alright, alright. Bring him in. [Richard and Mrs. Tweek enter with the doctor] The little boy's room is upstairs.\nLiane: [coming down the stairs] Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. My little Eric is going to be so mad at me!\nStephen: Look, by the time he knows what's happened it'll already be over.\nLiane: Did you bring his boo-boo present?\nStephen: Yes, yes. Come on, Thomas and Laura! [the Tuckers bring in a Hot Wheels racing game, with Linda Williams bringing in a sign saying \"You Did It, ERIC\"] Okay, see? We got the present, everything's gonna be fine. [leads the group upstairs and into Cartman's room. He makes room for the doctor, who puts his medicine kit on the bed, prepares a vaccine, and draws it close to Cartman]\nCartman: [sensing someone nearby, wakes up] Hey, what's going on? [instictively, he bolts from bed runs around in a panic] No, no. Nooooo! [jumps off the bed]\nDoctor 2: It'll just be for a second!\nStephen: [tries to catch him] Oh, Jesus! [the others crowd in, but can't catch him]\nLiane: Eric, there's a big treat for you if you stay still!\nLinda Stotch: Catch him! [Cartman leaves his room and runs down the stairs, taking his clothes off on the way down]\nStephen: Thomas! Linda! Yo-you gotta get him! [Cartman sees them and turns tail, running into the kitchen. He gets a jar of lard and scoops out lard to spread on himself. The doctor finds him and gives chase again. Cartman runs back into the living room, runs around, and Thomas tackles him for a moment. Cartman breaks free and runs out the front door. The others follow him out]\nLiane: Eric! Oh! [goes to look for him]\nGerald: Well, what do we do now?\nStephen: I think the only way we're goin' to get Eric immunized is by bringing in an expert.\nScene Description: An awards shelf, day. Western music plays as all the awards given to Mesquite Murph are shown. The phone rings\nMurph: [shown] This is Big Mesquite Murph. How can I help you? You say you got yourself a conscientious objector? Well, you just sit tight. There aren't never no hog that Big Mesquite Murph couldn't catch.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy has a new commercial for Tegridy Weed\nRandy: [jumps into the scene] How many thousand dollars has Tegridy Farms made selling weed? $300,000! [the numbers cover the screen and blink] It's a 300-palooza! [makes snow angels on a pile of $1 bills] Come on down and see what we've got! [drives his tractor]\nDeep voices: WHAT WE'VE GOT.\nRandy: We've got $300,000, just selling [echo comes up] all this weed! [aerial shot of the weed lot. Next, he holds a joint] And this month we're celebrating all our new customers in China! [dances in the barn to reggae music with a Chinese flag and various Chinese take-out foods behind him] We're celebrating with new T-shirts! [they say] \"Tegridy Farms made $300,000 and all I got was high.\" Get yours for just ten bucks! '[the shirt is shown with \"$10\" blinking and throbbing over it] We couldn't have done it without you! Remember, that's $300,000! [Randy has his feet up on a table in the barn. Randy turns the TV off with the remote control] Well? What'd you think, guys?\nSharon: How much did you spend making that commercial?\nRandy: Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.\nSharon: Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!\nRandy: Yeah. We make money either way.\nSharon: You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]\nShelley: I hate marijuana! [follows her mom out]\nRandy: [gasps] Shelley!\nStan: I hate marijuana too! [follows them out]\nRandy: [gasps] Stan!\nScene Description: The Cartman residence. Liane comes in through the back door from shopping and finds Cartman sitting at the breakfast table seething quietly\nLiane: Oh, Eric. I... wasn't sure if you'd be up yet. [drops the groceries on the kitchen counter, giggles, and walks over to Cartman] Eric, you know I only want what's best for my snookums.\nCartman: You read me a bedtime story. You tucked me in. And then you let half the town into my room to try and give me a shot against my will.\nLiane: It was supposed to make it easier on you, a-and they didn't catch you anyway.\nCartman: [points at her] This is goodbye, Mom! I can't live with you anymore! [sulks into the living room. Liane follows]\nLiane: Eric, please! You don't know how hard it is to be a parent! Sometimes we don't know the right thing to do!\nCartman: So you go along with society and and try to force immunizations on me, even knowing the health risks! What if immunizations made my friend Timmy the way he is?! What if they made Jimmy the way he is?! What if they made Token the way he is?\nLiane: Eric, when I was at the store, I bought you some Little Debbie creme pies and-\nCartman: That isn't gonna work this time, Mom! I don't want to be around you anymore! [marches over to the front door and opens it] So I don't know where you're gonna stay, but you'll just have to figure it out! I've already packed your things. [a suitcase and duffle bag await her]\nLiane: Sweetie, you can't live on your own.\nCartman: You should have thought of that before you made this house a nightmare for me. Goodbye, Mother! [looks out into the street, then points the way out to her. She grabs the suitcase and duffle bag and walks out the door. He turns to walk back to the kitchen, but is confronted with Mig Mesquite Murph.]\nMurph: [puts on his grappling gloves] Alright, young'un. We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard. [prepares the injection, and Cartman knows what's coming. He begins to run around]\nCartman: Weeaak! No, no! [runs around]\nMurph: Yeeee-haaww! [tries to lasso him, but knocks down the lamp instead] Suuuweee! [tries again, but Cartman slips away and runs upstairs.]\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, afternoon. Murph gets a shot of whiskey from Skeeter - his fourth one. He downs it in one gulp. Stephen approaches him with the others who went to Cartman's room\nStephen: Well, what happened?\nMurph: I ain't never seen no hog like that. It's like it could in two places at once.\nStephen: You said you could catch him!\nMurph: Well I did catch him! Got him locked up in a pen! It's just every time I bring out that needle, he becomes like a hog tornado! But I'll get 'im!\nRichard: Yeah. Or maybe you just believe a little bit that vaccinations shouldn't be mandated for school attendance due to possible still-unknown side effects.\nMurph: [narrows his eyes] Don't you question me. If anyone believes the most common side effect of vaccines, anaprophylaxis, occurs in only 1 per several hundred thousand to one per million vaccinations, it's Big Mesquite Murph! Now this hog you got here, he's contained, but now I need help getting him his shots. The only way we're gonna get him, is we gotta build a big enclosed pen, about a hundred feet in diameter. I'm also gonna need the best wranglers flown in from Wichita. And I'm gonna need some loud music, and some barbecue.\nStephen: Barbecue?\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, a cloudy day. A purple minivan is parked at the entrance. Liane rings the doorbell, and Randy answers\nRandy: Mrs. Cartman?\nLiane: Hello, Randy. I'm... sorry to trouble you, but... I don't know where to turn. I was hoping maybe... I could buy some gumdrops.\nRandy: Whoa whoa! What's goin' on?\nLiane: My son.. hates me. The whole town... hates me. Nobody thinks I'm a good mom, [gets emotional] and I don't know if I am anymore!\nRandy: Okay, okay. Come on. Let's get you inside and get you some weed. [shows her in and takes her to the backyard, where there is another wooden swing. They sit in it]\nLiane: It all happened gradually, you know? [smokes a joint] I don't know why everyone's against me. Even my own son. [hands the joint to Randy]\nRandy: Believe me, I know how that feels. [smokes the joint] You try to do what's best for your family and all you do is get shit on. [hands the joint to Liane]\nLiane: I know immunizations are probably for the best, [smokes the joint] but then you read some of this stuff on the Internet [hands the joint to Randy] and, I don't know, it's scary.\nRandy: That's just it. [smokes the joint] When it comes to families, we have to do what we think is best.\nLiane: It doesn't matter. They're having an all-county mandated immunization roundup tonight. Any child not immunized is about to be.\nRandy: All-county immunization roundup? What's that?\nScene Description: The immunization roundup, night.\nAnnouncer: Good evenin' everybody, and welcome to the CDC Child Immunization Challenge. This here special event is sponsored by Voices for Vaccines and also by Chevy. So with all that out the way, let's get to some action! [the crowd cheers. The gate opens and a blond boy steps forth and looks around.] First up, we have Danny Ray Johnson out of Bailey, Colorado. He has not been immunized since kindergarten. He says he just don't like needles. [a doctor comes out of the adjacent gate the vaccine ready]\nDanny: No! Nooo- [shrieks and runs away. The doctor gives chase]\nAnnouncer: And there they go! [they run around the barrels and the crowd cheers them on]\nDanny: No! Nooo- [shrieks and runs away when he sees Murph jump off the gate and join the chase. Two rodeo clowns join the chase soon after, but none of them can catch him. Cartman gets restless behind his gate. A wrangler takes Danny down]\nCartman: Ah, AAAH! [the wrangler hog-ties Danny and sets him down for the doctor to deliver the vaccine in the butt through the pants, then takes his hat and waves it around to applause.]\nAnnouncer: He stuck him in the left buttocks; that is an 8.7 score right there. [more cheering. Cartman gets more restless] Alright, let's hear it for little Danny Ray, folks. [a clown unties him and he walks off smarting from the shot] He's a little worse for wear, but now he can pick himself up a nice little toy from the toy chest. [Danny does just that. Cartman is really worked up now]\nCartman: [snorts] I've gotta get out of here!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, a clear, starry night. The clouds have cleared and Liane and Randy are still talking, sitting on bales of hay. Randy's the one bawling now.\nRandy: It's just... it's like, can't people see us trying to do what's best for my family? I'm trying to provide for them by running a business. I'm sorry if I make mistakes.\nLiane: I know, Randy. Other parents expect me to deal with Eric-\nRandy: And I get it from both sides, because my family's pissed off at me too.\nLiane: ...I understand.\nRandy: No, you don't!\nLiane: Yes, I do.\nRandy: [garbled] No, you don't! Nobody understands.\nLiane: Randy, we both tried to do the best for our family. [gets up and walks away] And sometimes, when we're afraid of being judged, we can push our family away.\nRandy: Yeah, like, everybody's doing business with China. It's like \"get over it.\"\nLiane: You should just feel lucky that you have a partner in doing what's right for your family.\nRandy: I am. I'm afraid I haven't been very kind to that partner lately. I think maybe it's time for an apology.\nLiane: Thanks for the talk, Randy. And for the weed. [turns and goes to the barn entrance.]\nRandy: Where are you going?\nLiane: [turns to look at him] I'm going to do the only thing I know how to do: be a mom. [turns around and heads out]\nScene Description: The CDC Child Immunization Challenge, later. This time, a girl has been lassoed and shot\nAnnouncer: All right, and that is Dr. Chet Mowlins that just gave that girl her DTaP booster [the wrangler unties the girl and she goes for her toy] and her HPV vaccination. That is for genital warts. Way to go, Chet. Hey, folks, let's hear it for all these wranglers tonight. They're working extra-hard to bring immunity to your community. [cheers go up] Alright, folks, we are now ready for the main event. This young man has never had a single immunization. [Cartman is in the pen still trying to break free] He says he's an orthodox Jew and a conscientious objector. [Cartman stops and takes his clothes off] Everyone put your hands together now for little Eric \"The South Park Piggy\" Cartman. [the gate flies open, and a nude Cartman backs into a corner. Murph shows up.]\nMurph: [jumps into the pen from the top of it] Suuuuwieee! [Cartman runs into the ring. The wranglers begin their chase]\nAnnouncer: There he goes, folks. Dear Lord, he's a slippery one.\nScene Description: A lookout point over town, night. Randy drives up with Towelie and parks\nRandy: Do you remember we used to come here and look over the town lights together?\nTowelie: ...Yeah, so what?! Then you turned into an asshole!\nRandy: I brought you here to apologize, Towelie. I let the money go to my head. I... I got greedy and I started acting like a towel. I need you back. I need Tegridy back, the way it used to be.\nTowelie: No more harassin' homegrowers?\nRandy: No more harassing homegrowers.\nTowelie: No more dealin' with those Med Men assholes?\nRandy: No more Med Men.\nTowelie: No more kissin' China's ass?\nRandy: China's actually a free and loving country that-\nTowelie: I'm out. [gets out of the car and leaves]\nRandy: [gets out of the car and chases after him] Wait, wait, Towelie, come on! I need you!\nTowelie: [stops and turns around] I'm never workin' for a company that's regulated by a communist government!\nRandy: Okay, okay. No more selling to the Chinese.\nTowelie: Then say it! Say \"Fuck the Chinese government!\"\nRandy: [softly] Fuck the Chinese government.\nTowelie: I didn't hear you!\nRandy: Fuck the Chinese government! There!\nTowelie: ...Well... you just got your partner back. [they run into each other's arms and hug]\nRandy: Hahaha! This is it. This is the moment that Tegridy Farms got back on track.\nScene Description: The CDC Child Immunization Challenge, later. Cartman is still evading capture\nAnnouncer: Dear Lord, we are going on 16 minutes here and ain't nobody caught this young'un. This might very well be a world record you're seeing here, folks.\nLiane: [rushing through the crowd] Get out of my way! Move it!\nStephen: Whoa whoa, Mrs. Cartman. Everything is fine here. [she punches him out of the way and climbs a barrier]\nSheila: [grabs onto Liane's ankle] It's okay, Liane. They know what they're doing. [Liane kicks her away. Liane then tackles the rodeo clown and punches him]\nAnnouncer: Oh, looks like we got a concerned parent in there trying to take issue with their child's well-being. [Liane goes after the lead wrangler and punches him out, then punches out the wrangler behind him]\nCartman: Mom! [Murph has wrangled him and is hog-tying him]\nLiane: Leave my son a [slow motion takes over here] lone! [she jumps to shield Cartman, a doctor jumps to vaccinate him. She reaches Cartman first, causing the vaccine to enter her butt instead] AHHHH!\nCrowd: OHHHH! [the arena is quiet. Liane removed the rope from Cartman and he hugs her. They walk off together]\nLiane: [stops to address the crowd] I know I'm not the greatest mom in the world. I do the best I can. Whatever happens now is going to be done my way. Come on, Eric. [remove the syringe from her butt and throws it away, then they move on]\nCartman: [stops] Wait, Mom? [points to the toy chest]\nLiane: [turns around, now furious] No, Eric! No shots, no toy!\nCartman: What?? [she takes him by the hand and pulls him away]\nScene Description: Family Medical Clinic, day. Cartman and Liane are there again, but this time, Cartman is in the lobby. His doctor comes out of the office and walks up to him\nCartman: Okay, doctor. I'm ready for my shot.\nDoctor: Eric, I've been speaking with your mother. I'm afraid there's some bad news.\nCartman: Bad news? What are you talking about? Mom?\nDoctor: Your mother received a heavy dose of vaccine that wasn't meant for an adult. I'm afraid there have been... side effects.\nCartman: [panics] What side effects? MOM? [runs to the office] MOM! [opens the door] Mom, are you here, Mo- [gasps loudly as his jaw drops. Liane is painting a still life]\nLiane: [softly] Eric...\nCartman: Noooooooo... Noooooooo..."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The Marshes sit at table and Randy comes in with laptop and coffee\nRandy: Good morning, everyone. 'morning. So, listen guys. We are not in good shape. The whole \"doing business in China\" thing has sort of bitten us in the ass, [the projector screen comes on.] and now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs. [turns to look at a growth chart projected on a portable screen behind him.] You see this? This right here? That's us plateauing. We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money, and now, all the money we do make doesn't even cover our expenses. [the same chart is on the laptop he was looking at earlier] So, [turns back to the table] how do we sell more weed? Stan.\nStan: [after several seconds] I don't know... Do like a sale. Like, a Fall sale?\nRandy: Not good enough! Shelly?!\nShelly: I hate marijuana.\nRandy: Nice attitude! How do we sell more weed? Sharon?\nSharon: If you don't make commercials or do more parades for the town, we'd have more money.\nRandy: Right. Cut out all our marketing. That's Sharon's great idea, everyone. Towelie?\nTowelie: You know what the problem is? It's the schwag. All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man.\nRandy: Go on.\nTowelie: It's like, we sell all the good parts of the weed, but we throw away, like, tons and tons of all the leftover shit. You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company.\nRandy: Mulch. [looks at the graph] Use our discarded product to recover costs. [to the table] Everyone, great job. You just got powned by a towel.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. The students stand in line to get their lunches in the kitchen.\nCartman: '[singing]' It's Sloppy Joe day!\nCartman and Butters: '[singing]' It's Sloppy Joe day!\nCartman: I seriously think that Sloppy Joe day is my favorite day at school.\nButters: Yeah, it's the best.\nCartman and Butters: '[singing]' Sloppy Joe day! It's Sloppy Joe day!\nA new Cook: Come on, keep the line moving, kids! [in view are Butters, Cartman , and Scott. Cartman notices that what he sees on his plate doesn't look like sloppy Joe.]\nCartman: What is this?\nCook: That's today's lunch. It's \"feesh.\"\nCartman: Feesh?\nButters: But, but this is Sloppy Joe day.\nCook: Yeah? Well, the menu's been changed. We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy or sustainable enough, so don't you start bitchin' about it now.\nCartman: What kids were complaining about health and sustainability?! What kids would care at all that- [gasps] the girls!\nButters: The girls?\nCartman: The fucking girls! [the three boys walk over to the girls' table] Excuse me?! Can someone explain to us why this [holds forth his lunch] is on our lunch trays?!\nButters: Yeah, it's supposed to be sloppy Joe day!\nWendy: We asked for healthier options and to sometimes have food for those of us who don't eat red meat.\nCartman: Oh my God. I'm about to lose my mind. [gets excited] You think you can just mess with a man's lunch?!\nButters: It's okay, Eric. I-\nCartman: You think that your ideas about health and nutrition should be somehow interfering with mine?!\nButters: Eric, Eric!\nCartman: You dictate what foods I can eat?! [convulses] Urgh [the tray falls to the floor. He stiffens up and tries to reach for anything]\nButters: Eric, Eric?\nCartman: I can't, I can't. Butters, I can't. [falls back, smacking Butters' tray on the way down. Butters' meal lands on him]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrillators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt\nParamedic 1: Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]\nSmith: We got him back!\nCartman: Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.\nScene Description: As Cartman is being taken to Hell's Pass Hospital, Randy drives into town with a huge load of Tegridy weed; he and Towelie share a joint. Cypress Hill plays during this segment.\nRandy: How much do you think we'll get for our mulch?\nTowelie: Even if we only get 10 cents a pound, we have like a million pounds of it.\nRandy: This is gonna save our business. I'm really hungry all of a sudden. You want some Burger King?\nTowelie: Yeah, I'll take some onion rings. [Randy pulls into a parking spot and goes inside.]\nScene Description: Burger King, inside. Randy steps forward to place his order\nClerk: Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?\nRandy: Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?\nClerk: It's a plant-based burger, sir.\nRandy: Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?\nClerk: No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.\nRandy: Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card over. The clerk turns the card through the reader and hand it back. He also hands Randy the receipt and the burger. Randy takes a bite of the burger and savors it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?\nClerk: They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.\nRandy: Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... based... Plant-based. Oh my God.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallways. Cartman is in a wheelchair; Butters drives him around\nButters: Comin' through! Make way! [the stop by Token, Jimmy, and Craig]\nCartman: Hey guys. How's it goin'?\nCraig: You're out of the hospital?\nCartman: Yes. The girls tried to kill me, but they did not succeed. However, we cannot let the girls' protest ruin our lunch ever again!\nNichole: Oh, give me a break! [arrives from her locker] It's not just girls who wanna change the menu, it's boys too!\nBoy: Yeah. I want vegan food.\nMillie: A lot of students are protesting!\nCartman: Well, their protesting is ruining my lunch!\nBoy: We have a right to free speech.\nCartman: Yes, we do all have freedom of speech! But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking about others and you're ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF!\nMr. Mackey: [arriving] Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what's goin' on, kids?\nButters: The protesters are tryin' to kill Eric again, Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: Okay, kids, we don't want another incident here, okay?\nCartman: They're trying to take people's lunch! They don't realize it harms people financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [begins to choke]\nMr. Mackey: Eric, it's okay. We aren't going to change the school menu, okay? Everything's fine.\nBoy: That's not fair!\nNichole: Doesn't it matter we're being silenced?!\nCartman: Agagagh, my lunch!\nMr. Mackey: Girls, I'm sorry, but the health of our students has to come first.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Gerald shows up at the front door and knocks. Randy answers the door\nRandy: Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!\nGerald: Believe what? Your text said that-\nRandy: Come on come on come on. [pulls him in. Next scene is in the kitchen. They go to the table, on which sit two burgers] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat. I want you to try it. [hands a burger to Gerald]\nGerald: It's a hamburger?\nRandy: It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it for a few seconds] Well?\nGerald: This tastes like shit.\nRandy: Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.\nGerald: [through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.\nRandy: Wait for it. Wait for it...\nGerald: [gets a small epiphany] Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]\nRandy: Yeah ha ha?\nGerald: Yeah, it's good.\nRandy: Yeah, right?\nGerald: [takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!\nRandy: And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12. [points to Towelie, who's reclining against a cabinet eating a Tegridy burger.]\nTowelie: Best burgers I ever had.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, lunch. Cartman is back a table with the other boys, and they're all eating barbecue ribs with corn on the cob and cole slaw. Cartman is still in his hospital gown, which means his back side is exposed. He's also wearing the hospital bracelet\nCartman: [savoring them ribs] Ohm... oh my God. School cafeteria ribs. After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital? OHM.\nButters: I looove barbecue rib day.\nCartman: Yeah. I think maybe I like rib day even more than sloppy Joe day. It's a difficult choice.\nWendy: Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [the students all stop eating and look at her] Look, guys. We're supposed to be the young generation, right? We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us.\nNichole: Yeah, but eating this kind of food makes us all just as guilty.\nWendy: The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens that we harvest every year [Cartman begins to tremble in anger] are a huge reason for climate change.\nNichole: It is up to us, as students, to protest for change.\nBoy: Young voices matter!\nWendy: Without sustainable and ethical food choices now, we're proving to be no d-\nCartman: [leaves the table] AAAH! GAAAH! [in the middle of the cafeteria, to Wendy] CAN I PLEASE JUST ENJOY MY LUNCH FOR FIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES?!\nButters: You gotta calm down, Eric. Remember your condition, Eric.\nCartman: We all have freedom of speech, but stop talking about climate change DURING LUNCH TIME!\nButters: Okay. that's it, Eric.\nCartman: Some of us can just enjoy some simple goddamned barbecue ribs! And I- Daah! [stiffens up as anger overtakes him] Oh God, they did it again to me, Butters.\nButters: Eric!\nCartman: I think this is the Big One! Don't let me die.\nButters: Somebody help!\nCartman: Don't let me die. Don't let me die, Butters. [drops on his back.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrillators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt\nParamedic 1: Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]\nSmith: We got him back!\nCartman: Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.\nScene Description: Burger King, day, inside. A mother and son are at the counter\nClerk: So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings, and a medium beverage. Is there any-? [stops when he hears someone outside]\nRandy: [outside] Burgers! Get your burgers here!\nClerk: Uh okay, that'll be fift-\nRandy: Plant-based burgers for sale!\nClerk: Excuse me one moment. [leaves the counter]\nScene Description: Burger King, day, outside. Randy has his burger stand up, selling $5 burgers that are all natural, plant based, and locally made\nRandy: Get your hamburgers here! [a crowd begins to form] Plant-based burgers for sale!\nClerk: [now outside] Hey, what are you doing?\nRandy: I'm sellin' hamburgers. All-natural, completely plant-based. [a customer pays up and gets his burger] Thank you, sir.\nClerk: You can't sell hamburgers here! This is a Burger King!\nTowelie: You sell hamburgers here.\nRandy: Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.\nCustomer: This is seriously as good or better than a real hamburger. Can I get a couple more to take to work?\nClerk: Hey! Now look, buddy! I'm not gonna lose customers because of YOU! [walks onto the parking lot] We have plant-based burgers inside as well! Come try our Impossible Burger.\nRandy: Tegridy Burger. Made locally right here in South Park. Tegridy Burger.\nClerk: STOP that!\nScene Description: The school gym, day. PC Principal holds a student assembly\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up! As you know, there are several students protesting the school menu. But there are other students who are voicing their concerns against changes. Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital, we all wish him well. [clears his throat] Now, the school has been looking into several options to deal with the problem, and I do believe we have found a compromise. We have found a new company in the plant-based fast-food industry who would like to be the supplier for our cafeteria. And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat. [steps aside and claps for the founder, who steps in]\nIncredible Meat founder: Hello, children. I want to thank you and I want to thank your fine principal for hearing me out. I take plants, and I process them into goo. I'm a goo man. I have factories all over the country. I have trucks right now loaded with goo that can be here within the week. The goo I speak of can be made into anything. It can be made into tacos. It can be made into hot dogs. And I promise you that none of you students will know the difference. I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your school. I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your town. I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian. I would like the opportunity to make you all vegetarians as well, and I thank you.\nScene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Randy stands at the podium reading from index cards\nRandy: Eating meat doesn't just hurt animals. It hurts people. It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce just one pound of animal meat. All that plant food could be used much more efficiently if-m, if people just ate it directly. Meat is also not environmentally friendly. Meat production is wasteful and causes enormous amounts of pollution. And the meat industry is one of the biggest... [after a few seconds, the camera finds him drifting away from the podium, Tegridy Burger in one hand, index cards in the other] ...Huh? Oh, I was just saying... [turns and walks back to the podium] that adopting a vegan diet is way more effective than switching to a greener car in the fight against climate change. For your health, for our planet, for the animals and for each other, we have to switch to plant-based foods. Now, it just so happens-\nScene Description: Burger King, day. The clerk is all alone now, having lost all his business to... He hears music outside and walks towards it\nClerk: You gotta be kidding me!\nScene Description: ...Tegridy Burger. Randy's hamburger stand is now a full-fledged fast-food restaurant\nRandy: [through the PA system] It's our Grand Opening! Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint!\nClerk: It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint! [goes back to Burger King. Tegridy Burger is humming with activity]\nRandy: Celebrate our Grand Opening! Tegridy Burger! Cheeba cheeba. Cheeba cheeba.\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Token is at the entrance on the lookout\nToken: Here he comes. [two seconds later, Cartman enters the cafeteria using a walker. He's in his hospital gown. He sees all the other students staring at him. He turns right and goes to the kitchen]\nCartman: [walks past Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey.\nMr. Mackey: [nervously] Wuhuhuhu... hello, Eric.\nCartman: [stands in line behind Butters] What's goin' on, Butters? It's taco Tuesday. [the line moves forward]\nButters: [weakly] It's taco Tuesday... [turns and walks forward. He gets his lunch, looks back at Eric, and heads for the boys table]\nCartman: These tacos look different. What kind are they?\nCook: They're... Incredible Beef... tacos.\nCartman: Oh, Incredible Beef tacos. That sounds nice. [takes his tray and heads back to the cafeteria, where he again sees the students stare at him. He joins the other boys at the table. He looks around and the other students turn back to their meals. Nobody is talking. Cartman bites a taco and his friends look on. After 25 seconds...] Did you guys see that new Joker movie?\nMr. Mackey: Whoa, uh, thank God it worked.\nScene Description: City Wok, day. The goo man stands outside the restaurant and looks it over, then goes inside.\nMr. Kim: Welcome City Wok. I take a order prease.\nGoo Man: Are you the owner of this restaurant?\nMr. Kim: Yes. I take a order prease.\nGoo Man: I'd like to do business with you. Your establishment here is perfect for my plant-based meats. You see, I am a goo man. If you carry my product, Incredible Meats, we can put the word Incredible before all of your dishes.\nMr. Kim: You mean instead of City Chicken I could have Incredibre City Chicken?\nGoo Man: That is correct.\nMr. Kim: You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef I could have Inrcedibry City Mongorian Beef?\nGoo Man: That's right.\nMr. Kim: You're saying now I could have scallops with Incredibry City XO sauce?! Okay, sign me up!\nGoo Man: That is most excellent. [gets out a pad and pen] Now, how many customers, on avarage, do you have per day?\nMr. Kim: Including my wife? Uh, 0 to 1 per day.\nGoo Man: [stunned] That's it?\nMr. Kim: Yeah, I got no customers now that Tegridy Burger opened up. Everyone want plant-based food now. That why I'm ready you sign me up.\nGoo Man: What is Tegridy Burger?\nMr. Kim: Yeah, here you look. Down the brock. [they walk to a window and look out] Most popular prace in town. [they look at the place for a few seconds]\nGoo Man: Is that so?! [makes his way to the entrance and leaves]\nMr. Kim: Hey! [follows him out] Hey, what about my incredibry City chicken?\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A farmer knocks on Randy's door. Randy answers it\nRancher: What'r you doin' you sonofabitch?\nRandy: Excuse me?\nRancher: I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park. I made ma livin' 62-odd years before you fancy plant growers done showed up and put me out of a job!\nRandy: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow Killer, but this is called \"evolution.\"\nRancher: I got 300 cows that the world suddenly decided they got no use fer! What am I supposed to do with them?! Put them in a zoo?! What they gonna do now? Go start some cow circus?! Go make some cow TV show?! You are single-handedly making cows extinct! You got a plan for 'em all? Fine! [turns to whistles to his cattle] Come on! [cows emerge from the field and gather outside the front door.] Come on! Yeah, come on! Mr. Plant-based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now! [makes his way through the herd in order to leave] Yeah, don't worry. He cares about the environment, so he could figure out what to do with you.\nRandy: Uh ho, hehey, fuck you!\nRancher: No, fuck you, sumbitch! They're your problem now!\nScene Description: Sssssouth Park Elementary, 4th Grade. The students are in their seats, but Mrs. Nelson is seated, hunched over a Tegridy Burger, unable to take another bite but making an effort to.\nButters: ...Teacher? [she lifts up a finger and mumbles a bit. The lunch bell rings]\nCartman: Lunchtime! [nothing was taught this morning]\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, lunch. The students stream in as Mr. Mackey keeps watch\nMr. Mackey: Walk, don't run, m'kay?\nCartman: Hey Butters! [Butters stops, a bit unnerved] Wait up, dude. You know what today is, right? It's Salisbury Steak day! Salisbury Steak day!\nBoth: It's Salis-\nButters: [flatly] -bury Steak day! [looks dejected]\nCartman: Butters, is something going on? Your lunch dances aren't the same.\nButters: Eric, I. I just hate lying to you. I mean, you've been in the hospital. Twice. I feel guilty.\nCartman: Guilty... about what?\nButters: It's our lunches, Eric. It's... Incredible Meat.\nCartman: Yes, I think it's pretty good.\nButters: No, Eric. See, there was this guy. He's a goo man.\nCartman: The fuck is a goo man?\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The cows are still milling around eating the weed. Some of them poop as they walk. Randy is in his tractor driving around.\nRandy: [comes across a cow] Go on! shoo! Hey! Goddamnit! [some time later, he's talking to Towelie] I don't know what we're gonna do. These cows are eating all our weed and they're shitting everywhere. They're gonna put us completely out of business!\nTowelie: Did you find anyone else to take 'em?\nRandy: Nobody wants cows anymore! They're bad for climate change! [takes a quick look around] We gotta kill 'em."}
{"text": "Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The farm is decked out for Halloween. In the living room, Randy brings out more Halloween decorations. Sharon is working on her laptop, Stan is busy on his phone\nRandy: [dances in with a Jack O'Lantern] It's the most wonderful time of the year. [puts it on the table] Well? You all excited, gang?\nStan: For Halloween? I guess so.\nRandy: Ugh, this isn't any Halloween, because this week, Tegridy Weed is doing a Halloween special. It's big promotional thing. Everyone's gonna love it. Hey, wuh-where's Shelly?\nSharon: Shelly hasn't come out of her room in two days.\nRandy: Why?\nSharon: [angrily] You know why, Randy.\nRandy: [Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [Sharon glances at him]\nScene Description: Shelly's room, later. Her door is open, and Randy walks in\nRandy: Hey, Shelly? Can I talk to you for a minute?\nShelly: What do you want?\nRandy: Come on, kiddo. [sits on her bed and motions for her to sit next to him] Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelly leaves her desk to sit on the bed] Shelly, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?\nShelly: I hate marijuana!\nRandy: Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?\nShelly: It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!\nRandy: Shelly, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?\nShelly: Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!\nRandy: Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?\nShelly: Serena Williams\nRandy: Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.\nShelly: No she's not!\nRandy: You don't know that, Shelly! Now you're just making assumptions!\nShelly: Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!\nRandy: [gasps and stands up] Shelly! [begins to pace the room] Okay, loook. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay?? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you! [leaves and closes the door]\nScene Description: The Egyptian Artifact exhibit at the Denver Museum, day. A shadow appears, followed by the person casting it: Butters\nButters: [looks around] Whoa. Very impressive. [strokes his chin] Indeed. [walks up to a plaque and reads it with a loupe]\nStephen: [lookin gon with Linda] Find anything good, Butters/\nButters: One minute, Dad! Archeologist Butters just needs to get his stamp and sticker for his autograph book. [gets a sticker of Baster and a stamp] Aha! another rare find!\nStephen: Well, did you all enjoy the museum, gang?\nButters: Well wait wait, we can't leave yet! I got all the stickers and tamps except for one!\nStephen: Well I'm pretty sure we saw the whole exhibit.\nButters: Can I just check around one last time?\nStephen: Alright, Archeologist Butters, but then meet us back right here.\nButters: Well o-kay!\nScene Description: An Egyptian funeral ship. A guide is explaining its varioys aspects\nGuide: What you're seeing here are original knots which were joined in the main pieces of the Khufu boat. The cedar timbers of the boat's hull were lashed together with hemp rope, a technique used until-\nRandy: Whoa! Whoa! Wait just one second! Are you actually saying that hemp, a classification of cannabis [Shelly looks at him], was actually used by he ancient Egyptians? [strikes a pondering pose]\nGuide: Well yes. In fact, it's been found that cannabis was used by Egyptians for its medical properties as well.\nRandy: Hold the freaking phone! You're telling us that marijuana has been used throughout the centuries-?\nShelly: Is this why you brought me here?\nRandy: No, I d-, I'm just, I'm surprised that-\nShelly: You said you wanted a special day with just your daughter. You said a father-daughter day at the museum could help us connect.\nRandy: And, and it is, Shelly. We're havin' a great time!\nShelly: I don't care if Egyptians used stupid pot! [runs off in anger]\nRandy: [noticing the stares, stands up] She has a marijuana problem. Shelly! [runs after her]\nScene Description: The Egyptian Artifact exhibit, at the same time. Butters retraces his steps\nButters: Been there... Saw that... Where's that stupid last sticker stamp? [sees a hallway he missed earlier] What's this? [he sees something ahead of him that excites him and runs to it. The sarcophagus of Took-tan Ra]\nButters: Whoa... [gets to the exhibit and reads through his loupe] \"Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty.\" This is it! My last sticker! [gets ready to stamp his sticker book...]\nJud: [interrupting] That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.\nButters: But this is my last one!\nJud: It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.\nButters: [looks at his sticker book] Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off happily. He doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!\nJud: [watching him go] For some of us, maybe.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. In the barn, Randy paces back and forth while talking to Towelie.\nRandy: It's just so hard being a parent sometimes, you know? I've tried everything to get through to my daughter. I took her to a laser show, I played her all of Dark Side Of The Moon, but... it's like... it's like there's something in her head that just doesn't get it!\nTowelie: That's awful, Randy. I'm sorry.\nRandy: It's just- I have to live my life, you know? I can't let her problems with marijuana drag me down anymore.\nTowelie: No, you're right You're totally right.\nRandy: So, anyway, hey. How's the Halloween Special comin' along?\nTowelie: The Halloween Special? Oh it's ready.\nRandy: It's ready?\nTowelie: Yeah, it's right over here. [shows Randy the way to the new plants]\nRandy: O-ho wow! The Halloween Special! I'm so excited to try it.\nTowelie: Yeah, it's basically a hybrid of our Tegridy Gold and Colorado Kush. Turned out really great, I think.\nRandy: [inhales the aroma] Oh, wow, that is nice! I'd like to see anyone compete with this Halloween Special.\nScene Description: Butters' house, night. He's asleep in his bedroom, on his right side. He flips over to his left side, and the stamp begins to glow. Something goes thump and Butters sits up, wide awake. He hears a knock\nButters: M-Mon? [two knocks] ...Dad? [the door bursts open and a mummy walks in. Butters screams as the mummy trashes the room. The mummy then grabs Butters... and hugs him. Butters calms down] A little... Why. Oh. Okay. Oh. Okay. Okay. Oh that's okay. [softly] That's okay. There you go. [the mummy lets go and sits on the bed next to him, presenting him with a gift] Form, for me? Oh, thank you. [takes the gift and opens it] Oh wow! A Fitbit! [the mummy murmurs something] Why thank you. Thank you. I... actually already have a Fitbit, but I could-\nMummy: Huh?!\nButters: I could give this one to a friend. [the mummy growls and stands up angrily] I just... I have one, so... [the mummy goes into a rage and finishes trashing the room, then just turns around and leaves]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, kitchen, night. Shelly is cooking up a strange brew on a hot plate in her room.\nShelly: Furniture polish, paint thinner and bleach.Ammonia and antifreeze. One tablespoon each.I hate everybody, I just like to read.Everyone's stupid. They smoke too much weed.So with this eldritch potion and these ancient wordsI make my revenge upon all the turds.[she adds a lot more bleach and continues to stir]\nScene Description: Butters' house, day. He's eating Frankenberry cereal breakfast in the kitchen when he hears two knocks and gets alarmed. He leaves the kitchen to go to the front door. He opens the door and two officers stand outside\nOfficer Brown: Butters Stotch?\nButters: Yes sir?\nOfficer Brown: We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.\nButters: what... happened in town?\nOfficer: People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.\nButters: [nervous] Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.\nOfficer Brown: Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.\nButters: What?? The mummy talked to you??\nOfficer: Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy [reads his report] \"got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate\"?\nButters: There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.\nOfficer Brown: A present that the mummy got for you?\nButters: I, I just goh-\nOfficer Brown: You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.\nOfficer: Did you throw the mummy out of your house?\nButters: No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left! [the officers look at each other, and Brown whips out his own notepad and starts writing]\nOfficer Brown: You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.\nButters: But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look officers, I think [cups his hands together nervously] I'm under some kind of curse.\nOfficer: Well that's what the mummy told us about you.\nOfficer Brown: You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and plants it on Butters' forehead]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, barn, day. Randy and Towelie are sampling their newest hybrid.\nRandy: Oh, man, I really like it.\nTowelie: Yeah, it's smooth.\nRandy: It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelly walks in with her eldritch potion, unseen] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [she chucks the potion all over the Halloween Special, causing Randy and Towelie to turn to see what happened. Many of the plants suffer chemical burns. Randy gets alarmed] AAAAAAA! Shelly!\nShelly: That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away and Randy races for the plants]\nRandy: No! Nooo!!\nScene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey has another assembly, this time over appropriate halloween costumes.\nPC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. Halloween has almost arrived and I wanna make sure that we are all aware of certain guidelines when it comes to Halloween costumes at school. Now, I don't wanna see any FUCKING SOMBREROS! Alright, if I see any fucking Mexican sombreros, or anyone fucking dressed like a fucking Native American, I'm gonna lose my fuckin' shit! There will be no hobos, or bums, anything depicting people from low-income households.\nCartman: Ahp, no Halloween for you, Kenny.\nPC Principal: And lastly, heed my fuckin' words. If I see any of you girls dressed as fucking Moana, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind! Alright now, the student book fair is coming up next week. We encourage all students to be able to- [crasing sounds herald the mummy's arrival. It crashes through the double doors and stomps across the floor. The students flee in all directions. The mummy grabs students at random and throws them all over the place]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, Counselor's Office, moments later. Butters faces Mr. Mackey.\nButters: ...and that's all that happened. I put that stamp in the sticker book, and now this mummy is destroying everything around me. I need help.\nMr. Mackey: Okay. An-and do you feel like maybe the mummy is trying to, you know, get you to react?\nButters: Wuh-what, what do you mean?\nMr. Mackey: Well, you know, Butters, the mummy feels like you get to do whatever you want, but it doesn't get to do whatever it wants.\nButters: Wait. The mummy talked to you, too?\nMr. Mackey: Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk, yeah.\nButters: Why is it talking to everyone?!\nMr. Mackey: I think the mummy is very insightful and cares about you a lot.\nButters: No it doesn't! This is crazy!\nMr. Mackey: Look, the mummy's just sad because you get to go to school and have fun, and what does the mummy get to do? You know, it just sits around being a mummy. You know, that's not fair.\nButters: First of all, I don't have fun at school! And secondly... the mummy can do whatever it wants; I don't care!\nMr. Mackey: Right, but you do care, Butters, because you're sitting in my office talking all about the bad things that the mummy does.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy sits in his wooden swing and looks at one of the tickets he had made for his Halloween Special weed. He sighs.\nTowelie: [appears in the yard behind him] Randy, quick! You gotta come see!\nRandy: I just need some time, okay, Towelie?\nTowelie: Look! You don't understand! The special! Well, it's a miracle! [leaves. Randy gets up to follow him] Come on! You're not gonna believe it! [they head for the barn]\nScene Description: The barn. They step inside\nRandy: Alright, Towelie, what is this ab-? Whoa! [the Halloween Special has overgrown and taken root all over the barn] The Halloween Special!\nTowelie: Whatever your daughter threw on this shit made it more powerful than ever!\nRandy: [jumps for joy] Yeah! We're back!\nTowelie: Yeah!\nRandy: Yeah! Yeah!\nScene Description: A restaurant, day. Butters is enjoying drinks with the main four and Token.\nButters: I have to end this curse, fellas. It's getting worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [sure enough, there are several selfies of the mummy - in a park, in bed, working out - on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!\nStan: Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.\nButters: [jaw drops, then] It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!\nKyle: We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.\nCartman: Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.\nButters: I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' \"Hey, what are you doin'?\" Like it knows.\nToken: Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?\nButters: Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside their window and throws its arms at it three times. The boys are spooked for a bit, then calm down] Oh, gosh darnit. [leaves the table] Hang on a second, fellas. [the mummy's eyes follow him]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is putting new labels on jars of Tegridy Weed and humming, then placing them on a table by the front door\nRandy: Okay, that should be enough Halloween Special for the first few people [there are some 84 jars on the table] Now, I think we should put the open bar in this area [screen left] and the hot tub maybe right here [screen right. Shelly walks in wearing a backpack].\nTowelie: Yeah, that'll work well.\nShelly: Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.\nRandy: What what? [chuckles]\nShelly: Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.\nRandy: [skeptical] You're going to a book fair?\nShelly: Yes.\nRandy: On fucking Halloweed?\nShelly: Yes!\nRandy: [squeezes his face] I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. [gets in her face] You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!\nShelly: [moves to the front door] You're my dad, drive me to the book fair!\nRandy: I will not! I have things to get ready, and nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelly!\nShelly: The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the legs out from under the table, and the jats crash onto the floor, shattering. She leaves]\nRandy: OH MY GOD! [kneels next to his ruined product]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station. Randy is talking to Det. Harris, with Shelly beside him\nRandy: [sobbing] It's a nightmare! It's a personal hell! I've done everything I can, as a father, to help he with her problem, but she just ignores everything I say! I can't do this!\nShelly: You're such a piece of shit, Dad!\nRandy: Oh, Shelly, I love you!\nDet. Harris: What does her mother have to say about this?\nRandy: Her mother doesn't say anything anymore! Whenever I bring up our daughter's marijuana problem, my wife says \"I'm gonna lose my mind if you bring this up again.\" It's destroying all of us! I just think, maybe a night in jail is the wakeup call that she needs. I'm barely gonna have fun at the Halloween Special now! It's gonna be really hard for me to rage knowing you're in here, Shelly. It's gonna be really hard for me to rage! [an officer takes Shelly to a jail cell nearby, then opens it for her]\nOfficer Brown: Alright, there you go. [Shelly goes in and turns around] When you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, you hurt everyone around you. Happy Halloween. [slides the door shut]\nButters: What are you in for? I'm in here because *apparently* I'm a passive-aggressive controlling and manipulative psychopath whose narcissitic behavior drives other people crazy.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. The Halloween special is undreway. Klieg lights shine their beams into the sky. MC Hammer's \"Turn This Mutha Out\" pumps through the loudspeakers. The living room is filing with people\nGuest 1: Hey, trick or treat. We're here for the Halloween Special?\nTowelie: All right, here you go, guys. [hands him a jar of Halloween Special] That's a promotional gift from Tegridy Farms.\nRandy: Hey, come on in, guys! There's candy and hot dogs!\nGuest 2: Alright. [Towelie hands him a jar as well]\nRandy: Samplers of the special are there on the table, guys. Feel free to light up!\nTowelie: Wow, we're almost out, Randy. I gotta go to the barn and get some more.\nRandy: Okay, I'll hold down the fort. [Towelie leaves]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, outside. Towelie walks through the field to the barn\nTowelie: Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack- [stops] Uh, what? [a bright light shines through all the windows on the barn as the Halloween Special has spread to the exterior walls of the barn]\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night\nButters: So I said, \"Okay, fine. You don't ever do anything wrong! It's all me! You've got no problems, only I have problems! Alright, uh I'll lock my own ass up! Then we'll see who's got issues!\"\nShelly: Will you SHUT UP?\nButters: I'll be in here, and something will go horribly wrong tonight, and then the monster will have to accept what it is, and finally work on changing, right?\nShelly: Probably not.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, the Halloween Special event. Randy is talking to one of the guests in the hot tub\nRandy: Naw, you see, fluvial geomorphology deals with the way rivers change over time. It's geology shit. It's why I got out of it, really.\nGuest 2: Hey man, what's in this weed? [guests around him are clutching their bellies]\nRandy: Oh! That's a company secret, my friend!\nGuest 1: No, I meant I- I don't feel so good. [begins to gargle and growl]\nRandy: Hey, are you alright there, buddy? [marijuana seems to sprout on the guest's body and turned him into a zombie. He turns around and growls at Randy] Whoa, dude, did you see that?! [looks over at his guest, who now, too, looks zombified. Randy jumps out of the hot tub when he notices all his guests looking like zombies, puts on a towel and runs outside]\nScene Description: The marijuana field. Randy and Towelie run into each other\nBoth: AAAAA!\nRandy: Towelie! There's something wrong with thte special!\nTowelie: There's somethin' in the barn! The thing you killed! It wants revenge! [they head for the barn, and Randy sees it glowing like Towelie did before]\nRandy: Oh Jesus! What happened?! [goes inside while Towelie waits outside]\nTowelie: It's dead because o'you! And now it wants your soul!\nRandy: [faces him] What?! What's dead because o'me?! [a shadow rises up and Randy notices: it's Winnie the Pooh clutching his intestines]\nPooh: [cocks his head to one side] Oh, hello there. Would you like to die?\nRandy: [runs out] Ooooohh! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh!\nScene Description: Park County Police Station, night. An officer runs in\nOfficer Brown: Detective Harris! Something's going down at the Marsh farm!\nOfficer: Calm down, sir! I can't understand you!\nDet. Harris: Put him on speaker. [the officer switches from earpiece to speaker]\nRandy: There's monsters everywhere! It's some kind of curse! Unspeakable evil!\nButters: [listening from his cell] The mummy! I told you!\nRandy: All different kindds of monsters! Zombies and plant people and bears! Oh my God! What's that?! Oh my God, it's Harvey Weinstein! He's got me! You've got to-argh! He's inside me! Harvey Weinstein is inside me! You've gotta send help! People are dying everywhere! No! Harvey, I said no! Please, somebody co- [the connection is cut]\nDet. Harris: This is it, everyone! Let's move! All hands on deck! We've gotta take these monsters down! [all the officers rush out. Yakes returns]/i> Bring the kid who manipulates the mummy with his passive-aggressive serlfishness! [an officer opens the jail cell, and Butters and Shelly walk out]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. The Special event is still in full swing as the police pull up to the entrance. The officers leave their cruisers and jump into position with their rifles. An officer brings out a bazooka\nDet. Harris: Alright, men, let's take thee monsters out!\nShelly: [intervenes] No, just hold on a second! I'll take care of this. [walks to the house. Meanwhile, out back, Randy and Towelie are still running, but are stopped by the cose they slaughtered in \"Let Them Eat Goo.\"]\nRandy: Oh God, it's the cows we killed!\nPooh: Oh. I'm really going to enjoy eating your brains. [leaps up to Randy's head and starts gnawing on it.]\nRandy: Get 'im off of me! Get 'im off of me! Oh my God! Get 'im off of me! [In her bedroom, Shelly is cooking up an antidote. She hears Randy and Towelie screaming and goes to look out the window] Waugh! Get 'im off of me!\nBoth: Help! Somebody help us! Get them off of me! Waugh! [she sees them flailing about, but with no cows, bears, or other monsters around them. They are hallucinating]\nBoth: Somebody help us!\nTowelie: Somebody help us!\nRandy: Get 'im off of me! Augh! We gotta fight them, Towelie!\nTowelie: Help! somebody help us!\nRandy: Waugh!\nTowelie: I wanna live! Get them of of me! Help! sombody help us!\nRandy: We're going to live! We're going to live! [Shelly goes back to her pot and continues brewing] Help! Waugh, get him off of me! Get him off of me! You monsters! Go back to hell! [they begin to babble, and Randy punches the air] There's too many of 'em! [looks off to his left] Oh! What is, What is that?! [a blurry Shelly runs up to him with her pot] Oh! No! [she drenches him with her potion and he goes limp. He murmurs a fewwwww syllables and falls over]\nScene Description: Tebridy Farms, entrance.\nDet. Harris: Alright, that's it everyone! Nothin' to see here. Just some people who are really, really high.\nOfficers: [let down] Aawwwwwwww.\nOfficer Stevens: I can't shoot anyone?\nDet. Harris: [walks up to Butters] You were so convinced the mummy was to blame for everything, weren't you? So convinced you made us all believe it too.\nButters: I'm... [cups his hands together] I'm sorry?\nDet. Harris: Yeah, well it's not us ...you really need to be sorry to. [looks over Butters' head at something. Butters follows his gaze amd sees tje mummy standing at the farm's entrance.] Let's see if you even have a shred of decency to apologize when something is clearly your fault. [Butters walks to the mummy]\nButters: I'm so sorry. You're right. I can be selfish and narcissistic. Ah I'm gonna work on myself and... and try to make this curse work somehow. [the mummy rreaches into a back pocket and gives Butters a parting present, sighs, and walks over to a red car, opens the trunk, packs his suitcase, closes the trunk, gets into the driver's seat, puts on some sunglasses, and drives away. Butters open the present and reads the letter inside, which is just Egyptian hieroglyphics]\nOfficer Brown: [looks over Butters' shoulder] It says, \"I hope you can get the help you need. I can't fix you\"\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. All the decorations are thrown away and lots of trash bins wait for pickup. Inside, Randy comes down the stairs looking quite beat up. The rest of the family is eating toast and cereal.\nRandy: Hey, guess I slept in late, huh? What time is it? [serves himself some coffee]\nSharon: It's 8:15 am. November 3rd.\nRandy: Ooof, wow. That was some strong-ass Halloween Special, y'all. I mean... I saw rapists in the hot tub, zombie cows. I thought I was gonna die, and then, this fat, bitchy angel came and put me to bed. [Shelly shoots a look at him for a few seconds, then looks at her food] Did everyone enjoy the Halloween Special?\nSharon: No, Randy. Only you did.\nRandy: Oh. Well, that was pretty much my target audience anyway. [walks away from the table with his coffee, back to the stairs] Hey, at least I really didn't have butt sex with Harvey Weinstein, huh? [sees something on the floor] Oh [it's a used confom. He picks it up and shows it to the family] Or did I? [twirls it around a few times] Woo! Happy Halloween, everybody! [lets go, and the condom lands on a wall, releasing its contents.]"}
{"text": "Randy: Hey, good morning, everybody. Welcome to Tegridy Breakfast, the show where we talk about everything Tegridy Farms. I'm Randy Marsh.\nTowelie: Hehehey, folks. I'm Towelie.\nRandy: Today we're gonna talk about what's been growing on the farm, especially our new Tegridy Thanksgiving Special. [displays the new strain in a mason jar]\nTowelie: I'll tell you what. I-I, I smoked that out of a four-foot bong, and it just about destroyed my fro-\nAgent: [coming in with another agent and two police officers] Alright, wrap it up! Shut this down! Come on, Marsh, Let's go.\nRandy: Guh, uh go where?\nAgent: Everyone's had enough, Mr. Marsh. I'm gonna need you to come with us. [an officer steps forth to arrest him]\nRandy: [stands, to be arrested] What the hell are you do-? [remembers his show] Sorry, everybody. We'll be right back.\nOfficer 1: Let's go!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day, outside\nRandy: What do you think you're-? My show! My Tegridy Farms show!\nScene Description: City Hall, later. The City Council is in session. The officer brings Randy in, handcuffed\nRandy: Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweek, ... Mackey.\nMayor McDaniels: Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called Mexican Joker?\nRandy: Yah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.\nMayor: Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.\nRandy: [bites his lip, then chuckles] Well, that's ridiculous.\nMayor: The Tweeks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.\nRandy: Guys, I have nothing against homegrowers.\nMayor: Run the footage, please! [her aide starts up the video. Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and pissing into it.]\nRandy: Hm... [the footage shown him getting deeper into the small garden and pooping in it] Hmmm... [then it shows him burying an explosive and walking away. Two seconds later there's an explosion and the camera footage is interrupted.]\nMayor: People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.\nRandy: Enough of Tegridy Farms? South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!\nMayor: You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. Get him out of here. [an attending officer comes in to do the job]\nRandy: I didn't do anything wrong! [the officer pulls Randy up to his feet and walks him away] You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful! [the officer takes Randy out of the office]\nMayor: Well. At least now South Park can start getting back to normal.\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Two teams of six players each oppose each other in a game of football. Kenny has the ball and Cartman is set to receive it.\nCartman: Titty farts! Titty farts dog wiener. [backs away] Dog wiener, dog wiener! [gets back into position] Pubic mound. Pubic mound.\nKyle: Just hike the stupid ball, Cartman.\nCartman: Pubic mound titty farts hike! [receives the ball from Kenny. Kyle counts down 15 seconds before Cartman throws the ball.]\nKyle: Mississippi one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi four Mississippi five Mississippi six Mississippi seven Mississippi eight Mississippi nine Mississippi ten Mississippi eleven Mississippi twelve Mississippi thirteen Mississippi fourteen Mississippi.\nJason: [while Kyle counts] Hey, I'm open!\nCartman: [while Kyle counts] You can't catch!\nJason: [while Kyle counts] Dude, I'm wide open! [Cartman releases the ball, and it goes high. Jason goes into the street to catch it, but is struck down by a police car and killed. The officer doesn't stop. The ball comes down next to Jason two seconds later. Most of the boys are aghast]\nCartman: That totally would have been a touchdown.\nScene Description: The Church, day. Funeral music plays. Mrs. White is heard crying. Jason's casket and picture are shown\nFr. Maxi: Little Jason White was a happy child. A playful child. And ultimately it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident. The father would like to now say a few words. [leaves the podium and gives Bob a quick hug as Bob takes the podium.]\nBob: I'm Robert White, Jason's father, and I can tell you that as a White, Jason lived a challenged life. When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, \"There's not a whole lot of people here.\" Doesn't seem like a big deal. Nobody's outraged. 'Cause it was our family. Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police. There should be protests and marches, but NO. The police killed a White! That's not protest-worthy! Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh! Now my wife and I have a dead child and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! Yeah, don't listen to me. I'm just a White. [leaves the podium. His wife is still crying.]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Sharon is at the dinner table addressing her kids\nSharon: Kids, I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to be scared, okay? Daddy is... in police custody until there's a hearing. He could be in jail for a long time.\nShelly: Do you promise?\nStan: Like, how long is \"a long time\"? Could it be years?\nSharon: It could be, sweetheart. We don't know.\nStan: YES!\nShelly: Is it possible he could get out of it?\nSharon: Of course it's possible, honey\nShelly: Egh! [looks away angrily]\nStan: But if he doesn't get out of it, then what happens to us?\nSharon: We probably have to sell the farm and move, back to town, and, sort of, live our lives without the marijuana business and without daddy. [a smile keeps breaking through as she explains things] Juts... try to stay hopeful, kids.\nStan: We will, Mom. You too.\nSharon: Okay, you too, Shelly.\nShelly: Okay, Mom. You too.\nScene Description: The White House, day. President Garrison is in the Oval Office cracking nuts and eating them. The phone rings and he picks up.\nGarrison: What? ...Who? ...Oh okay, sure, put him through. This is the President.\nRandy: Hi, Mr. Ga- Mr. President, Uh, I'm really sorry to bother you. Look, uh... I'm in a bit of trouble.\nGarrison: Huho, tell me about it.\nRandy: Yeah, they uh, someone got some supposed evidence on me doing something... \"illegal\" and uh.\nGarrison: Well, did you tell everyone you didn't do anything wrong?\nRandy: Y-yeah, of course.\nGarrison: Well, did you then go on the attack and swap the accusations to make yourself a victim?\nRandy: Did I what?\nGarrison: Oh Jeez, DARVO, Randy. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Alright, let's role-play. You be your accusers and I be you. Okay, go.\nRandy: Uh, uhm, \"Hey, you! You blew up people's yards who were growing their own marijuana!\"\nGarrison: \"No I didn't! Are you joking, you psychopath?! Now you're blowin' up my yard!\" Go ahead, try another one.\nRandy: \"You, you illegally damaged property and made your business-\"\nGarrison: \"You damage property to make your business more profitable, you lying sack of shit! I'm not gonna be bullied by you!\" See? [looks at footage of himself speaking on several screens] It's really not that hard, just takes a little chin wiggle.\nRandy: Jeez, you're really good at that. Look, what I really need from you is some personnel. Do you know any good lawyers?\nGarrison: Do I know any good lawyers? No, but I do know Rudy Giuliani. [at this point Rudy peaks out from under the desk.]\nGiuliani: Hehey hey, fuck you!\nGarrison: The fuck you, Rudy. Are you finished cleaning up those pistachio nuts yet?\nGiuliani: Yeah, that's all of them, Mr. President.\nGarrison: Listen, Randy, I'm gonna throw you a bone. You just sit tight and I'll have him take care of this.\nScene Description: Tegridy farms, day. The Broflovskis ring the front door bell\nSharon: Sheila, Gerald, hi.\nSheila: Hi, Sharon. We just know you're going through a really hard time right now. We wanted to bring you guys some lasagna.\nSharon: Oh that's so sweet, thank you. Other families have brought some stuff too. Come on in. [Gerald and Sheila go in and find something of a party going on. Shelly is dancing on the sofa] Hey guys. We got lasagna. [Stan, Butters, and Cartman show up and run around her]\nShelly: I love lasagnaaa.\nSharon: No running in the house, you little turkeys. [the boys run off, and Gerald and Sheila join her]\nSheila: Oh, look at that, Sharon. You took down all the pictures of marijuana.\nSharon: Oh, yeah. You know, just too painful. You know, they remind me of Randy. That's why I took Randy's pictures as well, because, you know, they remind me of Randy.\nLinda Black: Look, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it, but have you thought of what you guys might do if Randy gets put away?\nSharon: Yeah, I've kind of made a list of all the things I might do. It's kind of a long list.\nBob: Oh, isn't this lovely? [The music scratches to a stop. He, his wife and their daughter are just inside] The whole town, turning out to support the Marsh family in their time of need. [looks of shock great them] Our son was killed by the police.\nMrs. White: [sobbing] Why?\nBob: Would have been nice if somebody had brought us some lasagna. You know, if I'm not mistaken, it almost seems like you people are happy that Tegridy Farms is being indicted. It's almost like you're reveling in it. My wife and I were both Tegridy Plus members! We always believed in Randy Marsh. We believed... in Tegridy. And now there's less Whites. Now there's less Whites. [they turn and leave]\nButters: Oh Jeez. We should have never played football that close to the road.\nCartman: Yeah, this isn't right.\nButters: Wu-where are you going, Eric?\nCartman: I think I might be able to help them. [follows the Whites out]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, outside. The Whites are close to the entrance when Eric calls out to them\nCartman: Mr. and Mrs. White! [The Whites stop and he catches up to them] I'm sorry about what happened. I knew Jason pretty well. He was a shitty receiver, but he would have wanted his parents to... move on. And help a new child.\nMrs. White: What? What do you mean?\nCartman: A few weeks ago, I was sent somewhere. It was a place where people like you could find a way to fill that empty hole.\nScene Description: Texas detention center, day. An ICE bus pulls up and unloads its passengers, all parents seeking children to adopt\nJeff: Welcome, everyone. My name is Jeff. We're thrilled you've come to help out and adopt. The parents of the children inside have all been deported, but the kids are legal citizens, since they were born in the United States. [he leads the group inside and down some hallways lined with kennels] Mr. and Mrs. White?\nBob: Yes?\nJeff: We've all heard about your tragic loss. I'd love to help out however I can. Is there something specific you're looking for?\nMrs. White: We... don't really know.\nJeff: Well, we've got all kinds here, depending on your preferences. [points out the various kinds of kids he has as they move down the hallway] Here's a little Panamanian. They're very clean. This is a Colombian shorthair. Oh, and this is a good one. This is a Baja shepherd.\nBaja Shepherd: Quiero a mi papá. Quiero a mi mamá. [\"I want my dad. I want my mom.\"]\nJeff: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? [\"Fine, thanks. And you?\"]\nBob: Oh, honey. Look at the Peruvian hairless.\nJeff: Yes, they're pretty silly-looking. Great with kids though.\nBob: Hey, what's this little guy?\nJeff: Oh, why, this is a purebred Mexican. He's had all his shots; parents were deported two weeks ago. Here, we can let him run around a little bit. [opens the kennel to let the boy out]\nMexican: [steps out] Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? [\"My family. Where is it?\"]\nJeff: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? [\"Fine, thanks. And you?\"]\nMrs. White: Oh Bob, he's kind of perfect.\nBob: Hello, little fellow. How would you like to be a White? [the boy is dumbfounded]\nScene Description: County Jail Infirmary at South Park, day. It has 8 beds, six of which are filled. Randy is in the one at far right. A doctor is checking out his ears\nRandy: Look, doctor. You have to give me something. I'm really sick.\nDoctor: What exactly are your symptoms?\nRandy: I'm like, starting to question things that I've done. Like, starting to question the person I've become. And I can't sleep at night I, I just lay in my cell wondering if I've been a bad father lately, and a bad husband, and... please, it really hurts. I need some marijuana.\nDoctor: Sounds like you haven't had access to marijuana for a while, now reality is setting in.\nRandy: I just need a little medicinal weed and these symptoms will all go away.\nDoctor: Well maybe they shouldn't go away. Maybe this is your wake-up call that you've been abusing drugs, and need to face all your wrongdoings, try to turn your life around.\nRandy: You need to turn your life around! Clearly you have the addiction problem and I'm just your whipping boy!\nDoctor: That's not going to work, Mr. Marsh. You're not the President of the United States.\nRandy: Ahh, poop!\nScene Description: The White house, evening. The Whites and their newly-adopted son are enjoying TV dinners in the living room. The boy studies them\nMrs. White: Well Alejandro, how are you enjoying being a White so far?\nAlejandro: Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? [\"My family. Where is it?\"]\nMrs. White: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? [\"Fine, thanks. And you?\"]\nBob: Yes, it's good us Whites have each other, Alejandro, because... I need to tell you something. You see, now that you're a White, life isn't gonna be so easy. You're gonna find that a lot of people in this world just don't care about the Whites.\nMrs. White: You'll hear about how others in the world are mistreated, but nobody will care when you are.\nCrystal: Being a White is the hardest thing ever.\nBob: That's my little White. [the boy is using a phone all of a sudden. Bob notices something onscreen] Oh, turn it up, honey.\nAnchor: And the President of the United States today called the allegations against Randy Marsh \"total, buttfucking bullshit,\" and claims the neighbors who came forward with the evidence video are \"tampon-faced, 69ing whistleblowers.\" When asked for clarification, the President's lawyer and treasonous pig Rudy Giuliani, had this to say.\nGiuliani: Ohhh, this is just a conspiracy. It's conspiracy! And we need everyone out there who, who don't think their voices are heard, to make their voices louder!\nBob: Uh, he's absolutely right. Starting tomorrow, the Whites are gonna start actively trying to stop all this trial nonsense.\nMrs. White: Bob, Alejandro's on your phone and it's past phone use time.\nBob: Hey! [snatches the phone from him.] Why, he's trying to call Mexico! Alejandro, the Whites do not use mobile devices after 7 pm.\nMrs. White: Why would he try to call long distance to Mexico? Does he just assume that the Whites have all the money in the world?\nBob: The Whites don't call long distance! [bops Alejandro on the head with the remote control]\nMrs. White: Jason never tried to use mobile devices after the cutoff time. Jason never tried to call long distance. [begins to cry and leaves the living room]\nBob: Well good job, Alejandro! Now you've upset your mother!\nAlejandro: ¡Esa no es mi madre! [\"That's not my mother!\"]\nMr. White: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? [Alejandro looks at him quizzically]\nScene Description: County Prison Therapy Room. Two guards keep watch over eight inmates in this room. A Relationship graph is drawn on a whiteboard under the room's sign\nRandy: I've had a lot of time to just sit in here and think. I'm starting to realize I have this pattern of behavior where I... always want more. More weed, more drinks, more deals with the Chinese. It's never enough. See, I've always had my flaws, but at the end of the day, I cared about people. You know what the President said? He said just deny everything and make yourself the victim. Yeah, well... maybe he's part of how I got here. Maybe the President has brought down my moral meter. I don't mean to cast blame - I'm to blame - but... ever since he was elected, I've compared my morals to his. And no matter how awful I am, I'm never as bad a the President, so I'm... okay.\nScene Description: The Whites are in front of a market. Alejandro and Crystal carry bells in their hands, Bob has a clipboard, and his wife carries a sign: \"STOP THIS RIDICULOUS PERSECUTION!\"\nBob: Help support Tegridy Farms and Randy Marsh! Randy Marsh has done nothing wrong! Stop the ridiculous persecution! [Alejandro is mad, so he doesn't ring his bell]\nMrs. White: Exonerate Tegridy Farms? [a woman walks into the store without stopping to contribute.] Oh yeah! Just ignore us! The Whites are used to it!\nBob: Good one, honey.\nCrystal: Daddy! Alejandro isn't ringing his bell!\nBob: Alejandro! There's few enough of us as it is! We're not gonna stop this trial unless all the Whites chip in! [takes the bell from Alejandro and rings it] Now ring your bell! [bops him on the head with it, rings it, and gives it back to him.]\nAlejandro: [throws his bell away] ¡No quiero estar aquí! [\"I don't want to be here!\"]\nMrs. White: It's like he doesn't appreciate us, Bob.\nBob: Oh, I know.\nMrs. White: I mean, we give him a place to live, food, we take care of him.\nBob: It just... [soft gasp] he just doesn't seem happy. Maybe if we got him a little thing to take care of and feed he'd understand how much responsibility it is.\nScene Description: Texas detention center, day. The Whites are back at the detention center with Alejandro\nJeff: We're so glad you came back, Mr. and Mrs. White. We have even more kids now whose parents have been deported.\nBob: See one you like, Alejandro? Now that you're a White, you can pick anyone you want.\nJeff: Oh, here's a good one. Four years old, parents just deported yesterday. He's a Panamanian podengo pequeño.\nBob: Do you like him, Alejandro?\nJeff: We could see how he gets along with the kids. [opens the kennel door and the boy walks out]\nPanamanian: Quiero a mi mamá. [\"I want my mom.\"]\nAlejandro: Nunca la vas a ver. [\"You won't see her again\".]\nMrs. White: Oh look. I think he likes him.\nBob: Alright, Alejandro, but you have to take care of him and clean up after him.\nMrs. White: This is a great addition to our family.\nBob: Yeah. [in her ear] Now there will be more Whites to stop those needless hearings.\nScene Description: South Park County Prison, Cell 13. Randy sits alone in this cell looking at a picture of his family.\nOfficer Peterson: Hey Marsh, you got a visitor.\nRandy: I do?\nOfficer Peterson: [taking Randy to the visiting room] Fifteen minutes. That's all you get. [Randy goes in]\nGiuliani: Hello Mr. Marsh? My name is Mr. Giuliani. I've been sent to try and help you.\nRandy: Oh. Thanks, but I think I'm just gonna plead guilty.\nGiuliani: Oh, that sounds like someone who's a little down in the puss. The President said you would be, and he thought you might need a little something special. [proceeds to take down his pants and briefs] Ssshhhhhh. [reaches into his ass and pulls out a joint, then lights it] Would this make you feel better?\nRandy: Oh. Ohhh.\nGiuliani: [waves the joint around] Is this just what the doctor ordered?\nRandy: Yeahhh. [jumps forward and takes a long drag]\nScene Description: Breaking News\nField reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the government building where Randy Marsh is about to be arraigned. Protesters from both sides have gathered here. Some of them who are for the proceedings...\nCrowd: Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!\nField reporter: ...and also those in support of ending the investigation.\nThe Whites: Let him go! Let him go!\nMrs. White: These hearings are a waste of the taxpayers' money!\nBob: Nothing in these hearings will change the Whites' minds one bit!\nCrystal: Daddy!\nBob: What?\nCrystal: Alejandro isn't putting on his sunscreen! [he's holding on to a bottle of it, though]\nBob: Alejandro, what have we told you?! All Whites wear sunscreen! Put it on right now! [takes the sunscreen and bops it on his head]\nAlejandro: ¡Ahhh! ¡No necesito protector solar! ¡Necesito a mi madre y a mi padre! [\"Ahhh. I don't need sunscreen! I need my mom and my dad!\"]\nBob: ¡BIEN, GRACIAS! ¡¿Y TÚ?! Now put it on! [opens the sunscreen and rubs it all over Alejandro's face, giving him the whiteface of a clown.]\nAlejandro: ¡Alto! ¡Aah! ¡Alto! ¡Te odio! ¡Te odio! [\"Stop! Aah! Stop! I hate you! I hate you!\" He runs away]\nScene Description: City Hall, day. The Mayor. The City Council of 13 is seated. Mr. Mackey isn't present, as he was protesting outside. The President and Mr. Giuliani are present, flanking Randy. A small crowd of people is witness to the arraignment\nMayor: In the South Park vs. Tegridy Farms matter, we are now ready to proceed with the arraignment. Before doing so, Mr. Marsh, do you have any words?\nRandy: Yeah, I have some words to say!\nGiuliani: Go get 'em! Go, go get 'em!\nRandy: I can't believe I'm being attacked here! You people are monsters! The evidence shows me in a yard taking a dump! Yes! Because I was setting a trap for Mexican Joker! [skeptical cries erupt from the crowd] That's right! And Mexican Joker attacked seconds later! I was trying to protect you people from terrorists! And what do I get for it?! I get a- a bunch of- [the President and Giuliani cheer him on silently] A bunch of... No... No, I can't do this. You wanna know what really happened? The President... sent me his lawyer, and his lawyer told me what to say to get off and gave me a joint in prison.\nCrowd: [swelling] What??\nRandy: And then I smoked that joint! And you know what I thought?! I thought \"this is some shitty-ass weed.\" It wasn't Tegridy. It barely even changed my mental state. The reason I got into the marijuana business was to make quality, simple weed that came from the heart. Weed that was strong, and pure. Somewhere on that journey I lost my way. Tegridy weed is about community. It's a sunrise. It's the smile on a baby. But most of all [reaches a chair and puts a foot up on it], Tegridy weed is about family. I had forgotten I have a loving wife, and son [Sharon, Stan, and Shelly are shown, Shelly with arms crossed], and I'm not gonna forget them anymore. [Shelly uncrosses her arms and puts her palms up] So I'm not gonna fight this. I'll do my time and... maybe someday I'll be back. Making marijuana that's simple. Marijuana that's Tegridy. Because, when you do the right thing, good things happen. [explosions are heard outside, and the people in chambers go to the windows to see what's going on. Sure enough, buildings are exploding all around town. Alejandro is vandalizing police cars with a bat]\nMan with orange shirt: It's him! Oh god, it's him!\nTownswoman: Oh, Jesus, save us!\nOfficer 2: G-give it up, Mexican Joker. You don't wanna do this. [Alejandro smashes the cruiser some more, then brings out a Molotov cocktail.]\nBob: Alejandro! Get down from there this minute!\nAlejandro: ¡Abajo con Estados Unidos! [\"Down with the United States!\" An officer fires a shot and injures Alejandro. Other cops fire away and cause a cloud of smoke to rise up and hide Alejandro. Alejandro seizes the opportunity to make his escape.]\nScene Description: South Park City Hall, day. Randy and Rudy exit the double doors and approach the podium set up for a press conference\nReporters: Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh Marsh Marsh. Over here.\nReporter: Mr. Marsh, how does it feel to be exonerated? [as soon as they reach the podium, Giuliani starts massaging Randy's shoulders]\nRandy: Thank you. It feels really good to have these charges dropped. Now we can all get back to the business of trying to heal. I'd like to... [notice Giuliani massaging his shoulders] Would you please get the fuck away from me? [Giuliani lets go, adjusts his dentures, and puts his thumbs up in approval] I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have always been by my side, supporting me from the very beginning, the people who stood by me since day one and gave me hope. The Whites. [he and Giuliani clap. The Whites look surprised, then they put their hands to their chests.] Thanks for having my back, Mr. and Mrs. White. And now, everybody, if you don't mind, I've got a farm to tend to. [waves to everybody as he leaves]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Winter has come, and snow is falling everywhere. The marijuana plants have been harvested and cut back. Inside, Randy brings a box containing six jars of Tegridy weed to the table. Shelly is suffering a personal hell being around marijuana, so she has buried her face in her arms\nRandy: Well gang, I guess that's about it, huh? It's been a really good run, but, looks like the season is over.\nShelly: [perks up] The season is over?\nRandy: Well sure, the first snow is falling, crops are pretty much dead. Well what'd you all think, huh? I think the season was a little better than anyone expected. I really wanna thank you guys for a great run. [walks to a camera off to his left] And hey, we hope you all enjoyed the season too. It had a little bit of everything, didn't it? And hopefully, the season finale really brought it all home. Of course, if you haven't had a chance to try the season finale yet, it is available now for a special price. This limited-edition weed made from the very last crop of the season is pricey, but worth it. [cuts to the live-action shot of a guy's hand putting the jar of Season Finale next to the five other jars of episode-titled weed.]\nAnnouncer: Now taking pre-orders for Season 2."}
{"text": "Scene Description: This episode starts with the PC Babies Theme Song PC Babies, they're coming to your town! PC Babies, the wokest kids around. When there's something problematic, they're sure to let you know. Making things fun and gender-neutral everywhere they go! They're everybody's fave-sies! They're PC Babies, yeah!\nPC Girl: Now back to PC Babies.\nPC Boy: Waaa! [giggles]\nScene Description: The Principal House, basement, day. Strong Woman is using a heavy Everblast punching bag with PC Principal holding it in place.\nPC Principal: Yeah! Who's strong?\nStrong Woman: I'm strong!\nPC Principal: Who's Strong Woman?\nStrong Woman: I'm Strong Woman! [they switch to dumbbells]\nPC Principal: You're gonna smoke the competition!\nStrong Woman: I'm gonna smoke the competition! [the babies begin to cry] Oh no. It's the babies.\nScene Description: The living room, moments later. PC Principal and Strong Woman reach the living room and find the kids upset. Two of the kids sit on the sofa, the other three on the floor.\nPC Principal: Kids, kids. Okay, what the matter?\nStrong Woman: Oh, no! I left Disney+ on and it went to Mulan.\nPC Principal: They don't like Mulan?\nStrong Woman: No, because Mulan is a female that identifies as male and yet the movie doesn't take the time to address real trans issues.\nPC Principal: Okay, okay, we know! [takes the remote and turns the TV off] Mulan is outdated in creating straw dog characters to talk about trans issues! Daddy's turning it off! [switches to another channel]\nAnderson Cooper: -But just how many advocates have yet to be seen? [the kids sit up and smile.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal holds another assembly. Mr. Mackey, Strong Woman, and Mr. Adler sit far behind him\nPC Principal: Alright everybody, listen up! As you know, this school is a place where everyone should feel included. Our challenge is to motivate ourselves and others to create an inviting, non-negative and HEY STOTCH, YOU GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM?! [Butters is caught whispering something to Scott]\nButters: [quickly sits correctly] No sir!\nPC Principal: Now I think that what we all need are leaders who motivate by example, and so I would like to inform you all that your vice-principal [points to Strong Woman; she's somewhat surprised] is competing in the Strong Woman Competition in Morrison this weekend. Let's hear it for her. [the kids applaud as she takes the mic]\nStrong Woman: Well, thank you PC Principal. Um, listen, guys. I just hope I can make you proud, and more importantly, I hope you can see that no matter who you are, you can do anything. We've really come a long way breaking down gender-binary bigotry, and I hope I can especially inspire some of my girl students here.\nPC Principal: Or those who identify as girls.\nStrong Woman: Yes, or those who identify as girls. Get out there and get involved in school sports and clubs. If there's something you love, don't ever let anything hold you back.\nScene Description: Five boys are in the room: Clyde, Butters, Cartman, Scott, and Stan. They're playing Dungeons and Dragons\nCartman: The first bugbear lashes out at Stan with its broadsword. [rolls the dice] And it hits with a 17.\nStan: How much damage is that?\nCartman: 4 + 2 slashing\nButters: Okay. I jump up to the bugbear! And I yell \"FOR WATERDEEP!\" and I kick it in the balls!\nCartman: I don't think bugbears have balls.\nClyde: Then how do they make baby bugbears? [the door opens and Mr. Mackey brings in two girls]\nMr. Mackey: Oh hi, boys. Uh we got some new students who want to be part of the gaming club. You know Tammy and Nichole.\nCartman: Ah huh, ah, heh heh neh no.\nMr. Mackey: This is a school club, boys. All clubs are inclusive. Have fun, girls. [the girls take their seats in the two remaining chairs and bring out their pieces.]\nNichole: Hey guys. [the other boys look at Cartman, who raises an eyebrow]\nScott: [whispers] What the fuck do we do?\nCartman: Um, guys, we play lots of games here at Dice Studz, but today [puts his hand on the cardboard sheet] we're playing D&D. You don't just show up and start playing, you have to generate characters and-\nTammy: Yeah, we created some this morning. I'm a human paladin and Nichole is a Tiefling warlock. [another long silence]\nClyde: [whispers] Do something, Eric!\nCartman: Eheh, ha, guys, um, they're fighting a bunch of bugbears now that are led by a 12th level druid...\nNichole: Okay, I cast Vampiric Touch on the druid. [rolls her dice] Crit. [the boys look at Cartman]\nScene Description: The 6th Annual Strong Woman Competition\nDavid: A beautiful morning in Morrison, Colorado as we get ready for the 6th Annual Strong Woman Competition, a two-day long competition of tests built to push athletes to their very limits. [crowd reactions are shown. Lots of clapping and cheers] Joining me now is the current champion of the Strong Woman Competition, Strong Woman. [edges up to her] Ms. Woman, do you feel ready?\nStrong Woman: Oh yeah. I'm ready, David. There are just so many amazing women athletes out here today it makes me so proud.\nDavid: Now, this is the first year that a trans woman is in the competition. How do you feel about that?\nStrong Woman: Amazing. I feel honored to be a part of history. I have a lot of incredible trans friends who are athletes, and so we're all inspired this woman is competing.\nDavid: Uh huh, and uh have you ever actually met Heather Swanson?\nStrong Woman: Uh, no, I've never competed against her before, no.\nDavid: She's not exactly your average trans athlete.\nStrong Woman: Well, what is an \"average trans athlete\"? Honestly, I find that kind of bigoted, David.\nDavid: Okay, Heather Swanson is actually joining us now. Ms. Swanson, how does it feel to be competing today? [Strong Woman looks up at Heather with awe]\nHeather: [joins the duo on camera] I can't tell you how free I feel now that I've started identifying as a woman. [adjusts her glasses] Now that I can compete as female, I'm ready to smash the other girls.\nDavid: And is it correct you just started identifying as female two weeks ago?\nHeather: I'm not here to talk about my transition! I'm here to kick some fuckin' ass! Let me tell you something, dingleberry!\nDavid: David Perry!\nHeather: I'm gonna roll up the other women here, and I'm gonna smoke 'em! I am the strongest woman this state has ever seen! [starts posing]\nDavid: Any words for the challenger, Ms. Woman?\nStrong Woman: Uh, good luck, Heather.\nHeather: Huh huh, luck is for dudes. [walks off]\nDavid: Well, with that let's get right to the action.\nScene Description: Scenes of athletes working out and crowd reactions are shown. Strong Woman does a clean and jerk of some 550 lbs. PC Principal and the babies cheer her on. Heather steps up and does a clean and jerk of 850 lbs. Next, Strong Woman defeats a challenger in boxing, then competes in the shot put with Heather and another woman, then defeats another challenger in arm wrestling. Heather defeats her challenger in the same event. In tire-flipping, Heather defeats her challengers easily. PC Principal and the babies are dismayed at the beating Strong Woman is taking. Strong Woman defeats her challenger in wrestling. Heather defeats her challenger in boxing. At the Dice Studz Gamers Club, Tammy and Nichole are beating the boys at the samurai game, Rising Sun. Another shot of PC Principal and the babies being dismayed. Strong Woman and Heather compete with each other in a tug of war, and Heather defeats her soundly. at the awards podium, Strong Woman poses and shames the runners-up. This song plays throughout. Rising to the top, push it to the edge, Give it all you got. Barely break a sweat. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Go! Yeah, she's got speed, she's got the moves, She's got the muscle and a whole lot to prove, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Hey you! Go, Strong Woman, Go! Hey you! Your time is now, what'cha gonna do? Pedal to the metal, find another gear. She takes what she wants, nothing left to fear, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Now hey, girl! You're the best in the world! And hey, hon! Don't look now, but you've just won. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman.\nHeather: [during the shot put] Arrrgh-yeahhhh! [at the awards podium] Hell yeah! I won! I'm a strong woman! Look at it! It's mine! I'm the best! I'm the strongest!\nScene Description: On the ride home, Strong Woman looks beat. No one says a word until...\nPC Principal: So, second place. That's pretty damn good.\nStrong Woman: Yeah...\nPC Principal: I guess she... just started identifying as a woman a few weeks ago. Doesn't really seem.., fair...\nStrong Woman: Just don't! You'll upset the PC babies.\nScene Description: The Counselor's Office. Mr. Mackey listens half-heartedly as Cartman lays out his complaints.\nCartman: [flanked by Butters and Scott] It is unfair, it is tyrannous, and it is wrong! Ever since these girls were allowed to join Dice Studz Gamers Club, it has been a train wreck! Every single game, they like, figure out all the rules, and they, use the rules, to like, make us look stupid!\nButters: In D&D they killed the dungeon master. [points to Cartman] Well we didn't even think it was possible to kill the dungeon master.\nCartman: Shut up, Butters. It's not possible. It's just that we play board games for the themes. We want to be pirates, or Vikings. You know what the girls think about? They think about red cubes versus blue cubes, and how much of this equals how many victory points. They're just doing math.\nMr. Mackey: So they're smarter than you and beating you at all the board games.\nScott: Yeth.\nCartman: NO!\nScott: [frightened] NO!\nCartman: It's it's just, different. [starts tearing up] Look, we started Dice Studz with a dream. A dream that we could actually do something interesting at school, just for like 60 minutes. [Mr. Mackey galls asleep]\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. The boys are eating tacos together\nCartman: \"Nothing we can do,\" he said. \"Hands are tied,\" he said. We're gonna have to deal with this ourselves, you guys.\nStan: I think Nichole and Tammy are cool to play with.\nCartman: Well you won't think they're cool when the rest of us leave Dice Studz and you're left to play only solo board games!\nStan: You mean like Nemo's War? Nemo's War is sweet.\nClyde: Look, maybe we just gotta play harder stuff, you know? Stuff the girls can't keep up with.\nButters: Hey, that's not a bad idea. We've been taking it easy on the girls. Time to show 'em what real board gamers play.\nScott: What do real board gamers play?\nStan: Well if you want something hard, then you need a really crunchy Euro game, something like a Vital Lacerda's Escape Plan or a Uwe Rosenburg Euro.\nCartman: Do they involve math?\nStan: Well all Euros are pretty mathy.\nCartman: Nope, no good. We need something with lots of, like WAR and DICE and THEMATIC shit.\nStan: So then you want a war miniatures game. Something skirmish-style, like Legion or Blood and Plunder.\nKyle: Dude, you're really into board games.\nCartman: Alright, that's it, you guys. Dice Studz Gamers Club is about to go [fans his arms out over his lunch tray] tabletop miniatures.\nScene Description: PC Principal's kitchen, day. He's at the stove while Strong Woman fives the PC babies.\nStrong Woman: Emory, stop playing with your food. [the doorbell rings]\nPC Principal: I'll get it. [opens to front door and sees Heather]\nHeather: Hey, what's going on? Is your girlfriend home?\nPC Principal: Uh, she's sort of busy right now, Ms. Swanson.\nHeather: Just wanna tell her no hard feelings about me winning the Strong Woman competition. [holds up the trophy]\nPC Principal: Yeah, you already told her that at the competition.\nHeather: You got a problem with me? 'Cause it's starting to seem like you have a problem with me!\nStrong Woman: What's going on-? Oh, hi Heather.\nHeather: I was just stopping by to make sure you're not too beat up.\nStrong Woman: Oh, that's... really cool. I'm sorry, but I have all the kids right now, and they're-\nHeather: Oh, where are the little kiddos? [enters the house] I'd love to meet 'em. [enters the kitchen] Oho hey kids. Whoa, there's a lot of you. Your mom must be a strong woman to take care of all o'you. Of course, I have the Strong Woman trophy though. Heheheheh. Just kidding, right?\nPC Principal: Look, why don't you just get out of here?!\nHeather: Oh! Sounds like someone here is a transphobe.\nPC Principal: Don't you dare! I'm trans people's biggest supporter! What I think you are is a terrible sport!\nHeather: Transphobe.\nPC Principal: You'd better knock it off!\nStrong Woman: Just don't. You're gonna upset the PC babies.\nPC Principal: And if you dare call me transphobe again, I'm gonna-\nHeather: You're gonna what? Beat me up? You're gonna beat me up, transphobe? [PC Principal stands down] Yeah, I didn't think so. [to the babies]See you later, kids. Come on over and see old Auntie Heather if you want to see what a REAL strong woman is like. [leaves and goes out the front door. Strong Woman moves up next to PC Principal]\nPC Principal: Are you feeling what I'm feeling?\nStrong Woman: What do you mean?\nPC Principal: I don't know what it is, but... something about that woman just doesn't seem right.\nScene Description: School Club Room, day. Tammy and Nichole bring a third girl with them\nEmory: Now back to PC Babies.\nNichole: Hey guys. Hope it's cool we brought Kelly. She wants to be in the club too.\nCartman: [sarcastically] Oho yes! that's very cool, girls! We're just setting up today's game. It's a pirate miniatures game called Blood & Plunder. [the other boys smile]\nNichole: Yeah, we saw it on the schedule.\nTammy: We love Blood And Plunder. Are we gonna play like a four-on-four skirmish with two different factions? [the boys' smiles vanish]\nStan: Whoa, you painted your miniatures?\nTammy: Yeah. Who wants unpainted miniatures, right? [Cartman studies his unpainted miniature]\nStan: Where'd you learn to do that?\nNichole: We watch YouTube tutorials. You can find a much on BGG.\nStan: I love BGG.\nKelly: Oh cool. Do you watch Game Night?\nCartman: Excuse me! [pulls Blood & Plunder off the table and replaces it with a new game] We're going to play the six-hour long, very thematic Nemesis!\nNichole: Oh cool. We just watched the tutorial for that on Dice Tower. [the boys look at Cartman for his next move]\nScene Description: A splash screen for Women In Sports appears on TV\nAnnouncer: And now, back to Women In Sports, with Janet Spears.\nJanet: Our next guest has been really lighting it up in women's competitions. Since she's identified as female two weeks ago, she's won every female sport she's entered. Please welcome Heather Swanson. [Heather has brought every trophy she's won with her]\nHeather: Well thank you, Janet. It's a great pleasure to be here. I know that I'm an inspiration to all women and trans athletes everywhere.\nJanet: [dryly] Yes, we are all truly inspired.\nHeather: Now there are some women out there who just want to run and hide. [stands up menacingly] I'm talkin' to you, Strong Woman! [A shot of the Principal family watching TV] You still dare call yourself that?! Your name is a joke, because ol' Heather Swanson here will beat you anywhere, anytime, at anything! [Strong Woman leaves the sofa and goes to the kitchen]\nScene Description: The kitchen, moments later. Strong Woman is washing dishes when PC Principal enters\nPC Principal: Hey, don't let her get to you, Strong.\nStrong Woman: She's not getting to me.\nPC Principal: I, I-I don't know why she has such a grudge against you, and I-\nStrong Woman: Because I know her.\nPC Principal: [jaw drops] What do you mean?\nStrong Woman: It's Blade Jaggart. He - she - is my ex-boyfriend.\nPC Principal: ... What?\nStrong Woman: Back when we were together he was such an asshole. When I finally broke up with him, he said one day he was going to get me back. And now he's got us both by the balls.\nPC Principal: But then... she doesn't really care about trans people? Or women?\nStrong Woman: He hates wome- she, hates women. When I left him, he felt he got beat by a girl, and nothing makes Blade Jaggart more crazy than getting beat by a girl.\nPC Principal: I didn't even know people like that existed.\nScene Description: The Colorado General Assembly, day. Cartman speaks to the Assembly and is joined by Butters and Scott, as before\nCartman: [reading a prepared speech] It is unfair. It is tyrannous, and it is wrong. Dice Studz is a board game group that brings thrills and laughter to dozens of boys at our school. But that laughter is being turned into screams as girls constantly invade with their unfairness.\nButters: [steps forward, interrupting] The girls found Eric on the first round of Fury of Dracula! [smiles. Cartman glares at him and he wilts and backs away.]\nCartman: [gets back to his speech] Yes, inclusion is wonderful, but we have to admit that boys and girls are simply different in some ways that can sometimes make competitions unfair. Have you ever seen how girls do their homework? They do it... that night, meticulously going over every detail and often finishing before they absolutely have to. This is how girls are with board game rule books. Before we even start playing, they've already strategized a way to win, leaving others in the dust.[puts away his speech] And now I'd like for you to hear from my friend Scott, who has diabetes.\nScott: [begins his own speech] My name is Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes.\nCartman: [whispers] Terminal diabetes.\nScott: [corrects himself] I have terminal diabetes. Board games are the only thing that give me relief from the physical and mental anguish I experience every day.\nButters: Wow, Scott. I didn't know it was that bad.\nScott: Neither did I. [back to his speech] Dice Studz is my only shot at happiness. Please don't let outdated school policies destroy it. [steps aside]\nCartman: [claps and returns to the mic] Wow, thank you, Scott. Diabetes, everyone. [closing statement] We hope that our presentation has helped to change your minds about school clubs in our country. If not, we will be back, every single day. Please, let Dice Studz be for studs.\nScene Description: An MMA sports show. Heather Swanson is one of the guests on it\nMMA Host: Womens' MMA fighting is growing in popularity, and no other female fighter is as explosive as Heather Swanson.\nHeather: Eee-yeahhh!\nMMA Host: Heather, your story is an inspiration to sports fans everywhere. Congratulation on your \"shocking\" success.\nHeather: I just hope I can motivate little girls out there. Motivate them to understand that I will beat them at any sport they try. Motivate them to run away like that chicken shit Strong Woman did because I-\nPC Principal: [interrupts the interview] Alright. Alright, that's enough. You uh, you made your point, Heather. We get it, okay?\nHeather: Oh hey, transphobe. This is a nice surprise.\nStrong Woman: Oh God, what is he doing?\nPC Principal: Look, everyone, I know we're all a little... afraid to have any opinions on this stuff, but um, there can be situations where it's... not so easy... to... what I mean is, I...\nHeather: I didn't count on being the best since identifying as a woman.\nPC Principal: Yeah, no shit, 'cause you went through puberty as a male, so your body's completely different! [crowd reactions are shown, including one man motioning PC Principal to stop talking]\nHeather: And that's exactly what a transphobe would say!\nPC Principal: I told you not to call me a transphobe! All I want is to have a discussion.\nHeather: Transphobe! [PC Principal pushes Heather back, and Heather staggers back to a table of refreshments, throws herself on the table, and crushes it with her weight. She screams and sobs]\nPC Principal: Aw, shit.\nScene Description: Dice Studz Gamers Club, day. The boys are back in the room. Only Cartman is content\nCartman: Ahhh, isn't this nice, you guys? Clean, fresh air, soothing sounds, just us boys and Star Trek: Ascendancy.\"\nButters: [rushing in] Uh hey, fellas! Come quick! You gotta see!\nClyde: See what?\nButters: Well, it's the girls! They started their own board game club at the school! [runs out. The other boys look at each other]\nScene Description: The school cafeteria, day. The boys reach the new club's location. \"Board Girls Gaming Club\".\nCartman: \"Board Girls\"? How lame is that? [opens the cafeteria door and is in shock]\nScene Description: The scene shows the cafeteria full of girls playing different board games are shown. Allie, Monica, and another female 4th grader paint mini-figures. Some of the girls are also seen playing Lords of Waterdeep and Flick 'em Up!\nCartman: The fuck is this?\nStan: Wow!\nButters: [he and the other boys enter the cafeteria] Well this is like what you said Dice Studz would be, Eric.\nNichole: [walks in front of the boys] Oh, hey guys, welcome to Board Girls. Want to have a look around? [cuts to her leading a tour of the club] So over [points right of the screen] here we have our co-op games. I think they're doing \"Sub Terra\" right now. [points right of the screen again] And there we do our deck and engine builders. Have you tried \"Inuit\"? It's really cool. [stops walking] We have miniatures painting over there [points towards the screen] and most of our miniatures gaming happens in [points left of the screen] that area.\nClyde: Hey, those girls are playing \"Crisis Protocol\". That's not even out yet.\nNichole: Yeah, we get advanced copies of games because our club reviews them for our gaming channel. [two girls discuss Abomination on camera]\nMr. Mackey: Hey boys, you need to get out, okay? No boys in the girls' school clubs. Come on, let's go.\nStan: What? Who says?\nMr. Mackey: New school policy came down from the top. Now get your asses outta there.\nStan: Well, who made up that stupid rule?\nCartman: ... Yeah, who made up that stupid rule?\nScene Description: The neighborhood park, day.\nEmory: We now return to PC Babies.\nScene Description: PC Principal sits on a park bench, alone. He looks at his phone's screen and sees a news article about his troubles with the trans community, then lowers his phone. Strong Woman finds him on the bench.\nStrong Woman: Are you just... not gonna come home?\nPete: How am I gonna look my kids in the eyes, Strong? Since they were born, we've taught them to accept and fight for those who are marginalized. That there's no gray area when it comes to inclusion and acceptance. When I go back, all they're gonna see is a big, fat hypocrite. And now I've just used a word to shame people with weight issues. [buries his face in his hands]\nStrong Woman: P, you can't just shut down because you're afraid of how the babies are gonna react.\nPete: I didn't shove him - her - for being trans. I shoved her because she's your ex-boyfriend and she's being a dick. Do you think the PC babies will see the nuance?/But they're right, Strong. I shoved a trans person. No matter what, I have no right to judge her. Do you think- Could you try to explain it to the babies?\nStrong Woman: You know how they are. They're babies. Their minds are made up before anyone says anything.\nPete: Then I've really got only one thing I can do. I have to try and make things right with Heather Swanson.\nScene Description: School gymnasium, day. PC Principal - Pete - holds another student assembly with Strong Woman\nStrong Woman: Uh, hey students. As you know, we've had some issues here at the school that we're working very hard to correct. So today we are... honored... to have a motivational speaker. She is the current Strong Woman competition, and also the champion in women's MMA fighting, and in women's wrestling. Please welcome the inspiring Heather Swanson.\nHeather Swanson: [Bursts through a curtain] Yeeaahhhh! Fuck yeeaahhhh! [she dances to a K-pop song, \"I Am the Best\". She then proceeds to rip off her pants and show off her muscular body. She freezes in a pose when the song ends with \"Oh my God.\" Butters is the only kid who claps]\nHeather: Hello, boys and girls. I'm here to talk to you because apparently your school leaders have failed you. I'm gonna tell you something, kids. There's only one thing that matters in this world, and that's being the best. Your vice-principal teaches you girls to be strong, but she comes in second. [walks up to Pete and puts her left arm around him] You got anything to say about that, PC Principal?\nPete: No, Ms. Swanson.\nHeather: \"No, Ms. Swanson.\" [releases the hug and stands in front of them] You see, people don't look up to losers. They look up to champions! Every time I beat another woman, I feel better\nCartman: Dude, I really like this person.\nHeather: And that's why I'm the best. Because Heather Swanson doesn't get beat. I work to be the best at everything. And Heather Swanson will beat any other woman any time, anywhere!\nTammy: Bet you can't beat Nichole at Blood Rage.\nHeather: What? Wha-what did you say, transphobe?\nNichole: Yeah, but I bet you can't beat Tammy at War of the Ring.\nHeather: You don't disrespect a champion, little girls! You think Heather Swanson doesn't know board games?! I was playing board games before your mom even crapped you out of her vagina!\nNichole: Okay, so then let's do it, bitch!\nHeather: Oh it's onnn!\nScene Description: Board Girls Gaming Club, day. The girls compete against Heather and defeat her soundly. First up: Blood Rage. Heather makes her move; Nichole looks on passively and blows a gum bubble until it pops, then knocks off one of Heather's pieces. Heather is stunned. Next game is War of the Ring. Heather is frowning, but makes her move; Tammy is chatting away on the phone as she rolls the die and knocks off some of Heather's miniatures. Tammy sits back and smiles as the kids cheer her on. Next is Twilight Struggle. Nichole places her cards all over the map as Heather looks on in awe. After she places her last card, she rejoices in victory. Heather lifts her hands in gripping rage. Heather then participates in Board Girls Gaming Club, with Kelly tutoring her. Heather and Kelly then face each other and play. Next game is Concordia. Tammy again faces Heather and waits for Heather to finish her move. Then Tammy pulls off a series of card moves and defeats Heather. This song plays throughout the montage: Tabletop bloodbath, nothing left to say. Your moment is here, time to make 'em pay, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong! Woman! Smoke the competition, show 'em what you got. All your painted miniatures are really paying off, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong! Woman! Hey wow! Who's the Strong woman now? And hey you! Thought you were the best, but you're about to lose To the Board Girls. They got the moves. They pummeled you at Alchemists and kicked your ass in Carcasonne Board Girls, they know all the rules. They watch Rodney Smith, Tom Vasel, and Becca Scott. Hey, cool. They made you look a fool And hey, sweet, Take a step down; you just got beat By the Board Girls!\nHeather: Do you think that's fair?! You only won 'cause you dumb girls memorized the rule books! When I play games, I just wanna be a pirate or a spaceman! [Cartman joins her]\nCartman: That's right! You and your stupid rules!\nHeather: I may identify as a woman now, but I grew up a boy, so you have an unfair advantage over me!\nCartman: Yeah, an unfair advantage, stupid girls! Come on, Ms. Swanson. We can go make our own club. [they turn and walk out together. Once they're gone, the girls erupt in cheers]\nScene Description: The Principal - er, Charles - house, day. Pete and Strong Woman get home and go inside.\nStrong Woman: [before entering.] You sure you're ready for this?\nPete: I just wanna get it over with. [they enter, and the babies are happy to see them]\nBabies: Mommy! Yay!\nStrong Woman: Yes, kids, and look who else is here.\nBabies: [they look at him for a few seconds] Daddy! Yeah Daddy! Dada!\nEmory: Dada. I love you.\nPete: I... I don't understand.\nStrong Woman: They don't care. They must see the nuance to this whole situation.\nPete: You're right! They realize that raising a gender-based issue of strength doesn't necessarily make one a bigot or a bully. All this time we were worried what the PC babies would think.\nStrong Woman: And we didn't realize that our little babies are growing up. [they laugh and start to play with the babies.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Inside, a meeting is being held featuring all the women of the town. On stage are Sharon Marsh, Strong Woman, Mayor McDaniels, Linda Stotch, Mrs. Testaburger, and a female police officer. Sheila is speaking at the podium.\nSheila: When I look out across this room, I see the backbone of our community. The women of this town need to stand together. [applause from the gathered women.] We're here, and we're proud, and it is time to let everyone know that the women of South Park should be treated the same as the men! [farts and begins to groan] Oh God! [farts and groans. Sharon, Strong Woman and the mayor cover their noses] Oh God! [she's helped off the stage by Mrs. Testaburger] Ohh, sorry. [vomits as she reaches the end of the table, getting some of it on Mrs. Testaburger's shirt]\nMrs. Testaburger: Ohoho-kay. [they head for the entrance]\nSheila: I'm alright. Oh... [starts having diarrhea, leaving a mess on her skirt and in the aisle. The audience is shocked and cover their noses]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is in the waiting room with Ike as their mom gets checked up.\nDr. Gauche: Hello boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called C. diff. It's very contagious.\nKyle: A bacterial infection? In her stomach?\nDr. Gauche: [sits down and shows Kyle his tablet.] All of us have trillions of microscopic critters that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. [a 3D x-ray of an adult female appears on the tablet's screen] There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy are being overrun by bad bacteria. [a 3D rendering of the intestinal tract with both good and bad bacteria floating around]. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too. [a line wipes down on the 3D rendering, showing all the bacteria has now disappeared]\nKyle: So what can you do for her?\nDr. Gauche: We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. [A 3D X-Ray is shown again, now with an image of poop in the corner] We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus. [the poop from the x-ray is shown moving up into the figure's rectum]\nKyle, Ike: Eeewww!\nDr. Gauche: Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry. [walks away]\nKyle: Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.\nScene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Upbeat music begins to play. Inside, Sheila is shopping with Ike. She grabs a bag of chips and puts it in the basket. She is dressed in workout clothing and begins to sing out loud\nSheila: I am shopping. I'm grocery shopping. I'm buying food for the people I love!\nLaura: Sheila?\nSheila: [turns around] Oh, hi Laura.\nLaura: My goodness, look at you. Ah, I thought you were sick.\nSheila: I was! But I had an amazing procedure.\nIke: [tugging on Sheila's sleeve] No no no no no no, Mommy, no no no no no no!\nSheila: I had a fecal transplant.\nIke: Oh, god damnit! [buries his face in his hands]\nMrs. Biggle: You had a what?\nSheila: A fecal transplant. It's when they take the feces of a healthy donor and place it in your anus. I feel like a million dollars!\nLinda S.: [arrives] Sheila, is that you? I thought you were sick.\nSheila: I was! But I had a fecal transplant.\nIke: [in despair] Aaaaah!\nSheila: I'm telling you girls, it's solved every problem I've ever had. I've lost weight, I have more energy, I even think my arthritis is clearing up. [Ike takes the bag of chips and dumps it on the shopping store floor, then puts the bag over his head.]\nLaura: Well, that certainly is... interesting.\nJanice: You're looking great, Sheila!\nSheila: Thanks, Janice. Fecal transplant!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, living room, day. Kyle enters with a package. When he gets to the sofa he opens it up and takes out its contents. Inside is a DVD titled \"So Your Mom Had a Fecal Transplant\". He pops it into the DVD player and turns on the TV. He sees a hummingbird pollinating a flower\nNarrator: If you're watching this video, then your mom probably had a fecal transplant. [a close up of a young boy's eyes looking into the camera] And the one question on your mind is most likely \"How do I keep my friends from ripping on me?\" [the quote is then shown on screen]\nKyle: Yes!\nNarrator: People make fun of what they don't understand. [a colorful clown is shown dancing onstage] So let's learn why your mom had a fecal transplant. It was to replace her [the screen freezes on the clown dancing and the word \"microbiome\" appears on screen] microbiome. Germs, bugs. [close up shots of these organisms are quickly shown] Thousands of organisms are all around you, all the time. That remote control you're holding. [Kyle looks at it] It's teeming with life. Bacteria and other organisms.\nKyle: Yuch. [tosses it away, then wipes his hands clean on his jacket.]\nNarrator: They also live on your clothes.\nKyle: Yeesh.\nNarrator: Small organisms are everywhere. Now, scratch your balls. [Kyle gets a puzzled look] Go on. [Kyle looks around] If you don't have balls, scratch whatever else might be down there. [Kyle puts his hands down his crotch and scratches] Now, smell your fingers. [Kyle smells his fingers] That smell is millions of living organisms that you just scraped from your crotch and are now going up into your nostrils. [Kyle grimaces, shows shock, and then shakes his head trying to get the image out of it] Your microbiome.\nKyle: Eewww!\nNarrator: Creatures live in your teeth. They live on your eyelashes. On your skin. And trillions and trillions live inside your body. [Kyle looks alarmed. A 3D rendered chart of a human body is shown covered in colorful dots.] In fact, of all the cells in your body, only half are human cells [half of the dots move to the left of the screen and form a square]. The other half are all microscopic organisms. [the remaining dots move to the right, showing the figure as a skeleton]\nKyle: Aaagh! [runs off]\nScene Description: Café Monet, day. Sheila, Linda S., Laura, and Mrs. Biggle are seated at a table inside.\nLaura: How was your salmon, Sheila?\nSheila: Oh it's amazing. You know I could never eat like this before. My allergy to shellfish has literally gone away.\nLinda S.: Oh my gosh, that's so wonderful.\nMrs. Biggle: Oh. [giggles and clears her throat] That, that reminds me, so, Sheila, um, the girls and I were talking. Well, you seem so... great, and we thought how nice it would be for us to have a little bit of your poop.\nSheila: ... Um, what?\nLaura: Well, thing is, we asked our doctors about getting fecal transplants too, and they said they only do them for \"medical reasons,\" so we have to do them on our own.\nSheila: Oh heh, well, you know girls, if the doctor doesn't think it's safe, you probably shouldn't be doing DIY transplants.\nMrs. Biggle: No, that's very true, isn't it? We were just thinking that your microbiome is so healthy now [Laura nods], and it would be nice to share a little.\nSheila: Yeah. [stammers] I mean, i-it's not that I don't want to share everything with my friends, it's just uh, you know, uh, I'm sorry, it's uh, it just doesn't seem right.\nMrs. Biggle: And that is totally fine.\nLaura: If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't right. [giggles]\nSheila: [feels her phone vibrate] Oh, this is Kyle. Sorry, girls, let me take this. [leaves the table]\nThe other ladies: Okay.\nMrs. Biggle: [moments later, when Sheila is out of earshot] That cunt! I told you she'd say no!\nLaura: How much of a bitch can you be? Won't share your feces? Talk about anal-retentive!\nLinda S.: [pounds her fist on the table] Fuck her! Fuck her!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, Kyle's bedroom, night. Kyle tosses and turns in his sleep.\nKyle (voice-over): Half the cells in my body. Half...[a close up of multiple cells splitting] They're inside me right now. Alive. [multiple organisms floating] All over me. [a black bookcase is shown in a living room] The bookcase.\nKyle: [wakes up and sits upright] Aaah!\nScene Description: The boys' favorite eatery, day. The main four sit and eat burgers and fries.\nKyle: Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures in your eyelashes and in your teeth!\nCartman: So?\nKyle: So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're going in your mouth and mixing with trillions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!\nStan: Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?\nKyle: Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.\nCartman: [spits his soda out and laughs at him] Fecal transplant!\nMrs. Biggle: Hi Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.\nKyle: Why?\nHarriet: Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a game] Jedi: Fallen Order. It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.\nCartman: Whaaat?\nStan: Yeah, he wants it.\nHarriet: Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?\nKenny: (Yeah. He'll do anything.) [Kyle did not appreciate that]\nHarriet: When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar? [pulls out an empty mason jar]\nKyle: What?! Eww! No!\nCartman: Yes!\nHarriet: I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.\nKyle: That is disgusting. Absolutely not!\nCartman: Kyle!\nHarriet: Oh well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber. [slides away]\nCartman: What is your problem?!\nKyle: What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!\nStan: Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'till Christmas. We could be playing it tomorrow.\nKenny: (TO-MORROW!)\nKyle: I said \"no\", and that's final!\nScene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Sheila goes into the bathroom to take a dump. Down in the basement, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are messing with the plumbing. Stan peeks out through a grill, Cartman works on the drain removing the cleanout, and Kenny waits by an empty bucket\nStan: She's in. Kyle's mom just squatted in the toilet. [gets off his perch and walks over to Cartman]\nCartman: Okay, we've got contact. Are you ready with the bucket, Kenny?\nKenny: Got it. [brings it over]\nCartman: Place it directly under this pipe. [Kenny puts the bucket under the pipe, and Cartman adjusts its position] Alright. That should just about do it. [steps back] Now we just wait. For the flush.\nKenny: [a few seconds later] She's not flushing.\nCartman: That's good she's not flushing yet. That means she's got more serious business, and serious business is just what we're after.\nStan: You think she'll poop a big enough log? [Kyle appears on the steps behind them.]\nCartman: You see how fat Kyle's mom is? That bitch must poop at least two-pounders.\nKyle: The fuck are you doing?! [the others turn around]\nCartman: Oh, hey Kyle, What's going on?\nKyle: You are NOT stealing my mom's shit!\nCartman: Kyle, this is the world we're living in, okay? People are finding new and exciting ways to get healthy, and who are we to stand in their way? [behind him, two pieces of poop drop into the bucket]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Dr. Gauche talks to Kyle.\nKyle: It just freaks me out, Doc. [the doctor listens to Kyle breathing and heartbeat] We all have these... things... living inside our bodies, and everyone just seems fine with it. It's like, as soon as people learn they have microbiomes, the first thing they want to do is start swapping them.\nDr. Gauche: [puts his stethoscope around his neck and goes to wash his hands] Well, young man, the truth is we still don't know a lot about the microbiome, but you shouldn't let it \"freak you out.\"\nKyle: But where does it stop?! Then, are people just gonna start wanting skinny people's microbiomes to be skinny? Or an athlete's microbiome to feel athletic and young again?\nDr. Gauche: Yes, it's possible, but we don't know enough. There is no superfeces which can make you athletic and young. [turns the faucet off and dries his hands]\nKyle: Well like, what about Tom Brady's poop?\nDr. Gauche: [turns around and faces Kyle. \"The spice. He knows about the spice.\"]\nKyle: I'm just saying that Tom Brady seems to work really hard on his diet and stuff. His shit must be pretty good.\nDr. Gauche: [thinking, \"More than pretty good. The spice mélange.\"]\nKyle: [uncomfortable from the hard stare] What?\nDr. Gauche: Nothing. [thinking, \"It's unobtainable. The spice. But could he be the one to bring it here?\"]\nScene Description: \"One For The Ladies\" resumes\nAnnouncer: And now back to \"One For The Ladies.\"\nScene Description: Linda S. and Laura walk down Main Street\nLinda S.: Have you been in that store at all?\nLaura: No. I think it's new, isn't it?\nLinda S.: It used to be that watch store.\nLaura: Oh my God. Harriet?\nHarriet: [dressed in a tennis outfit, turns around] Oh, hi girls. What's new?\nLinda S.: My goodness, look at you!\nLaura: You look great! What happened?\nHarriet: Fecal transplant. It's true what they say: I feel 20 years younger. [swings her tennis racket around]\nA driver: [pulls up in his red sports car] Looking good, Mrs. B.\nHarriet: Fecal transplant, Damon. Keep your eyes in the road!\nSheila: Harriet?\nHarriet: Oh. Hey, Sheila. [smiles]\nSheila: You're looking chipper today.\nHarriet: Yeah, I had a little procedure done. Fecal transplant.\nSheila: I though the doctor wouldn't give you a fecal transplant, Harriet.\nHarriet: No, I... did it myself. With a turkey baster.\nSheila: Where did you get the feces?\nHarriet: Well, it's really none of your business, Sheila. It's a private matter, a fecal transplant. I'd really rather not talk about it. See you girls! [walks off]\nThe other ladies: Bye, Harriet! [smile. But those smiles soon vanish.]\nLaura: Two-faced bitch! You know what she said about you at lunch?\nSheila: What?\nLinda S.: She called you the C-word!\nSheila: You're joking!\nLaura: Oh no! Clearly she couldn't stand that you were the only one whose shit didn't stink.\nLinda S.: Fuck her! Fuck her!\nScene Description: The counselor's office, day. Mr. Mackey has Kenny, Stan, and Cartman in for questioning.\nMr. Mackey: Boys, I brought you in here because some rumors are floatin' around the school, m'kay? These rumors are that you three somehow stole feces from Kyle's mom, m'kay, and gave it to Mrs. Biggle in return for \"Jedi: Fallen Order.\"\nCartman: That is 100% untrue.\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, well someone in this school is a little turd burglar, and I want some answers!\nStan: How can answer that to which we have no knowledge?\nCartman: Very nice, very nice.\nMr. Mackey: It must be hard, having to take turns playing \"Jedi: Fallen Order.\" It's a single-player game, I believe.\nCartman: Wouldn't know.\nMr. Mackey: Oh. Because... I could get you each your own copy. That would be a lot of fun, wouldn't it? You guys stole the poop. Could you do it again?\nStan: You want us to steal some of Kyle's mom's poop for you?\nMr. Mackey: Not Kyle's mom's. Someone else's.\nCartman: Whose?\nMr. Mackey: [thinking, \"The spice. I must have it. The spice mélange.\"]\nScene Description: A New England Patriots press conference. Tom Brady comes out to speak to the cameras.\nTom: Alright. Alright, I'm... proud of our team today. It was uh... You know, I thought our defense did a great job keepin' us in the game, and again, I think the offense has a lot of room for improvement and all that... starts with me. Questions? Yeah.\nReporter 1: Can we have your poop?\nTom: No. Guys, I'm not gonna take any requests for my microbiome. I just wanna focus on the team. We're 10-1 now, you know, but, we can't let up. Yeah?\nSportwriter: Please, can we have your poop?\nTom: Okay, I'm not, I'm not gonna stay our here, you guys. It's just- Does anyone have a real question?\nReporter 2: Tom, after you leave here, are you gonna go eat somewhere or go right home and have a-\nTom: Nono, no. See, I'm not gonna tell you where I'm going, because you're all gonna try and follow me into the bathroom. You're not taking my feces, so unless you have a football question, we're done here.\nReporter 1: Can we buy your poop?\nScene Description: Kyle's bedroom, night. He's sleeping with the covers off. \"Microbiome... inside me. They are inside me. Are they apart of me? When I eat, they eat. When I die, they consume me and continue to live. Am I just an Airbnb in Santa Clarita?\" He wakes up, eyes glowing \"They're not a part of me. They ARE me.\" He sits up and looks at his hands. They're teeming with microorganisms. \"The bookcase. THE BOOKCASE.\nScene Description: Kenny, Cartman and Stan are sitting in Tom Brady's publicist's office. Kenny is in a wheelchair with an IV attached to him, wearing Patriots sports gear and holding a football in his lap. His hair is shown, but his eyes are shielded by the sports cap\nPublicist: You have to understand. A lot of people want things from Tom Brady. He has to be a little protective.\nStan: Yes, we do understand. We just... well, since you're his publicist. we thought that... you could give Mr. Brady our message. [begins crying]\nCartman: [pats Stan on the shoulder] It's all right, Stan. Don't cry. You see, ma'am, our little friend Kenny here is dying, and he's... he's just the biggest Patriots fan.\nPublicist: You know, I can call him, but he's very busy right now with the season.\nStan: Well if Mr. Brady could just, you know, have Kenny stay over at his house for a night.\nCartman: Kind of, like a Michael Jackson kind of thing. [Kenny mumbles something] Oh gosh, we're losin' him! We need to make this happen quickly, ma'am.\nPublicist: [thinking, \"They want the spice, just like the rest. Perhaps they are the ones.\"]\nCartman: Uh, ma'am?\nPublicist: [thinking, A chance, perhaps... they could actually obtain the spice mélange.\"] Let me... see what I can do.\nScene Description: Café Monet. The ladies have gathered there for lunch again\nSheila: Girls, can I just say... you both look fantastic.\nLaura: [chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.\nSheila: Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way. amd we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore. [the doors fly open and Harriet enters, having thrown up on herself.]\nHarriet: There you are, you Goddamned bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!\nSheila: Harriet, I do not like your tone.\nHarriet: You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!\nSheila: What are you talking about?\nHarriet: I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!\nSheila: So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?!\nHarriet: That's besides the point now!\nSheila: Oh, IS it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C-word the other day.\nHarriet: Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!\nLinda S.: Fuck you, Harriet!\nMale Diner: Oho. Okay ladies, come on.\nHarriet: Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me!\nLaura: Oh. Gaw! [throws up, then shits herself]\nHarriet: What the fuck?!\nLinda S.: You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet! We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh! Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then almost falls over as she projective-poops on other diners, then vomits on another table. Soon, Linda S. is also shitting and pooping on patrons.]\nScene Description: \"One For The Ladies\" resumes\nAnnouncer: And now back to \"One For The Ladies.\"\nScene Description: An alien landscape is shown. A monster with five jaws rises from it, roars, and goes back down into it, burrowing a hole. The camera zooms out and the landscape is just a piece of poo in a toilet somewhere. A man looks in the toilet before flushing it - it's Tom Brady. His doorbell rings and he turns to get it. Downstairs, the housekeeper answers the door and sees the three boys outside.\nCartman: Hello, ma'am. We are the darling children whose dying friend is all set to meet Tom Brady.\nMabel: [gravelly voice] I am Mabel Gonzales, the housekeeper. [thinking, \"They're here for the spice. I can sense it.\"]\nCartman: [thinking, \"I wonder why everyone keeps taking really long pauses after they talk.\"]\nStan: [thinking, \"People just keep looking at me like I'm supposed to say something.\"]\nKenny: [thinking, \"Why did I agree to this? I don't even have a machine to play Fallen Order on.\"]\nMabel: Come on in. Mr. Brady is just using the bathroom. [thinking, \"Music to your ears, I suppose.\"]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The parking lot is filled with ambulances bringing in sick men and women from everywhere.\nDr. Gauche: We've got more sick incoming! Try and make some more room! [Moves over to Det. Yates] We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff. has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.\nYates: How does this happen?\nDr. Gauche: Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.\nYates: So they got sick from another woman's feces?\nDr. Gauche: No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] A common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.\nYates: Oh, those ladies!\nDr. Gauche: It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.\nYates: So what happens next?\nDr. Gauche: With how contagious C. diff. is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.\nYates: [walks off] Jesus. What have those rascally ladies done?\nScene Description: Tom Brady's living room, day. The boys wait in the living room with a family and a sportswriter\nStan: So, you're all here to meet Tom Brady too?\nSportswriter: Yeah, I'm a sportswriter, getting a little interview. [thinking, \"A little interview, and hopefully more.\"]\nMom: Yes, and we're here with our little girl who's dying, just like your friend.\nTheresa: I'm dying, mommy?\nMom: Shut up, Theresa! [thinking, \"The spice mélange. It is here in this house.\"]\nMabel: Everyone, the honorable Thomas Brady.\nTom: Hey, everybody. [moves to the middle of the room, in front of a bookcase]\nSportswriter: [jumps up with a knife to keep the others away from Tom] The rest of you, stand back! They all deceived you, Mr. Brady! They only want to get the spice mélange.\nTom: Oh God, not again. Alright, everybody out. Come on, let's go.\nCartman: Mr. Brady, can we just see your basement really fast?\nTom: Nope, nope, that's all. If you people want a healthy microbiome, then proper diet and healthy choices, alright? That's it! You are all being ridiculous! [the doors open and Kyle enters, stepping down into the living room. His eyes are still glowing blue.]\nStan: Kyle, dude, what are you doing here? [Kyle moves forward]\nCartman: You don't get to be part of Turd Burglars now, Kyle! [Kyle continues forward and stops at the bookcase]\nKyle: The bookcase. [presses a button on the panel in front of him and the bookcase recedes and opens up, revealing a vault full of Tom Brady's poop in mason jars.]\nAll: Whoa!\nTom: Okay, look. I got sick of people going to my basement and screwing with my plumbing\nSportswriter: The spice! So much of it!\nMabel: Enough for everyone! Enough to bring peace to all!\nTom: I stopped flushing them because people kept breaking my pipes to get them.\nPublicist: Never did I think so much of it could be obtained.\nMom: This is enough for all the universe!\nTom: I mean, you'd all do the same thing if people were always trying to steal your shit. [Kyle's glowing eyes check out every bit of the poo cellar, which also serves as the wine cellar]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Gauche takes a jar of poop and drops it into a blender, adds some water, and starts the blender up. He then takes a sterile syringe and fills it with the fecal juice and injects it into Mrs. Testaburger's anus.\nDr. Gauche: That's good. Stay still. Almost there.\nHarriet: Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.\nLinda S.: And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.\nSheila: Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.\nLaura: I hope we can all be besties again.\nDr. Gauche: [stopping by to visit.] You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.\nSheila: Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?\nKyle: I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more. [pats his belly]\nDr. Gauche: Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies is one too many for the ladies. [everyone laughs.]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The episode begins with a new opener for \"The Scott Malkinson Show,\" which shows Scott as something of a secret agent mixed with Captain Diabetes. He fights sugar cubes which could be death to him, Scott's house, day. He's asleep in his room and it's almost 8 am. His alarm goes off at 8 and he wakes up. He stretches and then reaches for his glucose meter and checks his blood sugar. 90. He takes a shower and brushes his teeth.\nScott: [looks into the mirror] Dad? Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad. [finishes brushing his teeth, then grabs some syringes from his drawer to take with him for the day. He goes downstairs and reaches the table just in time to get breakfast from his mom. His dad, in work clothes, is already at the table eating.]\nScott's Mom: What is it, Scott?\nScott: Ninety, Mom.\nScott's Mom: Okay, great. [turns and goes back to the kitchen]\nScott: [turns to his dad] Dad, I love you.\nScott's Dad: What?\nScott: I love you so much, Dad. Please, can we get Disney+?\nScott's Dad: Goddamnit, not this shit again! No! [Scott lowers his head] We don't need Disney Fucking Plus, Scott! We got cable, and that's enough! [pounds the table] All this talk about Disney+ and CBS Max and shit on a fucking extreme prime! Where's it gonna end?! Straight to fucking hell, that's where! I'm going to work! [gets up and leaves his meal half-eaten.]\nScott: [hyperventilates a bit, then checks his blood sugar again. 165.] Shit! [reaches for an insulin syringe and gives himself a shot in the belly] Asshole!\nScene Description: The school bus, day. Scott is on his way to school with a bunch of other students. In front of the school, he checks his blood sugar again. In class, he sits quietly as the other students talk amongst themselves\nMr. Mackey: Okay, kids, if we can all be quiet, please? Today is a very special day, because we have a new student who just moved to town and will be starting her schoolastic adventures here in South Park. I know you're gonna be very kind, and make her feel at home.\nCartman: [scoffs] Hehyeah.\nMr. Mackey: Please say hi to Sophie Gray.\nSophie Gray: [walks into view] Hey, guys. Um, well, I moved here from Arizona, I really like soccer, and I love The Mandalorian, and, um, I guess one thing about me that might be kind of different is that I have diabetes.\nScott: Say what??\nSophie: I have a thing called diabetes. It's a condition that affects the way my body processes sugar. It just means that I have to check my blood sugar once in a while, and sometimes I have to... [voice trails off as Scott falls in love] ...part of who I am. Oh, and I also have a pony.\nScene Description: Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are seated at a table\nScott: Holy shit, guys! What am I gonna do?!\nStan: About what?\nScott: About Sophie Gray! She's my boo! I love her! What am I supposed to say to her.\nCartman: Scott, you can't be with Sophie Gray. She has diabetes.\nScott: I know! That's why she's perfect!\nCartman: No, Scott, if you and Sophie have a baby, it'll have super diabetes. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure that causes a crater on the Earth.\nJimmy: That girl is pretty fly. As soon as she said she watches Mandalorian, it gave me a little boner. If you wanna be with a new girl, you're gonna have some stiff competition. Get it? Stiff? C-, c-, c-, c-, competition.\nScott: But she has diabetes. You guys always rip on me for having diabetes.\nCartman: [mimicking Scott] You guys always rip on me for havin' diabetes. I'm Scott Malkinson. [the others laugh]\nScott: No! Not this time! You guys aren't ruining Scott Malkinson's life again! I'm taking control! Do you understand?! [leaves the table]\nCartman: [mimicking Scott] I'm taking control do you understand I'm Scott Malkinson I have diabetes. [the others laugh]\nScene Description: The neighborhood, day. Scott's father sits in his truck listening to Thomas Dolby when an incoming call awakens him\nDispatcher: Hey Clark. Clark, are you there?\nScott's Dad: [picks up the radio] This is Clark. Go ahead.\nDispatcher: Yeah hey, I think we actually have a job. The Stotches need their cable box looked at.\nClark: Alright, I'm on it!\nDispatcher: Uh, listen, Clark, part of why we're losing customers is 'cause people say our service is slow.\nClark: Don't worry, I'll be there as fast as I can!\nScene Description: Clark starts up his van and peels away. He drives down on E street and makes a hard right onto another. Something catches his eye and he pulls into an M Burgers drive-through.\nCashier: Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?\nClark: Number 3 value meal, no pickle.\nScene Description: Clark gets his meal and pulls away, going to eat at Stark's Pond. Once done, he goes back to town and does some grocery shopping. He gets some Thin snacks to go with his other purchases. He goes bowling and picks up nine pins. Finally, he shows up at the Stotch house.\nStephen: Oh. Well, finally! The cable company gave us a window from noon to 5 for you to show up, It's 5:15.\nClark: [gets out] Well I'm only 15 minutes late.\nStephen: This is why we should quit cable and just go to streaming services.\nClark: Oh, you want quantity over quality?! Streaming services are destroying our town! People don't watch and bond over the same shows anymore! Everyone watches somethin' different! 'Cause you got assholes in Hollywood making little niche programs for everybody! That's what you want?!\nStephen: [coolly] Yeah, I think I do.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Sophie puts her books away in her locker.\nA Boy: Uhh, hi. [she looks back to see whom it is] You're the new girl, right? i>[the boys is Pete] Just wanted to say, you know, welcome to the school.\nSophie: Oh thanks. That's really nice of you.\nPete: I was wondering if maybe sometime, well I could show around if you need it.\nSophie: Wow, that'd be great. A couple of the other guys offered too.\nPete: [eyebrows knit] Yeah, a lot of the guys here are posers though. You gotta be careful.\nSophie: That's funny. Another one of the guys said that. He was the tall kid that kinda dresses like you. [Scott appears from around a corner and is instantly alarmed when he sees Sophie talking with Pete]\nPete: Oh yeah, he's a total poser. [Scott goes back around the corner, where he can't be seen]\nScott: [whispers] God damnit! Fucking asshole. [whips out his glucose meter to measure his sugar and peaks around the corner. 172. He gets out some insulin and gives himself a shot. Sophie and Pete are still chatting]\nSophie: ...yeah, and so my dad actually still lives in Scottsdale.\nPete: Scottsdale. Love it there.\nScott: [bumps Pete off] Hi Sophie. Hoe's it going?\nPete: Ow! Watch it, dork!\nScott: I have something really important to tell you, Sophie. It can't wait.\nSophie: Oh, okay. [to Pete] I'll see you around, huh?\nPete: Yeah, sure thing. [keeps an eye on Scott while leaving.]\nScott: So, uh, you have diabetes, right?\nSophie: Yeah.\nScott: [sighs] I... have diabetes. [grins.]\nSophie: Oh. [silence]\nScott: So... what do you wanna do now? [grins.]\nScene Description: The playground. While the other kids play, Scott and Sophie sit on the merry-go-round watching them\nScott: So... what's your favorite food... that you can't eat? Mine's waffles.\nSophie: Um, I haven't really thought about it.\nScott: Oh...\nSophie: Do you watch The Mandalorian on Disney+?\nScott: Oh... Ughuh, yeah, of course. I love The Mandalorian.\nSophie: Right? It's the best Star Wars thing since Empire. Makes all the new movies look like dog shit.\nScott: Yeah, like, super dog shit.\nClyde: [walks up] Hey, you're the new girl, right?\nScott: She's busy! [Clyde is surprised; leaves]\nSophie: Hey, are you gonna watch the new episode on Friday? We could watch it together if you want.\nScott: Oh my God. I would love that.\nSophie: Okay. I'll be over right when it starts streaming.\nScott: Oh. Well, uh, the thing is, I, I mean uh...\nTimmy: [rolls up] Timmih!\nScott: [gets off the merry-go-round] She's busy, and she's watching Mandalorian at my house!\nTimmy: Timmih... [reverses direction and rolls away]\nScene Description: Malkinson Residence. His parents sit in their armchairs to watch TV. Scott has his own beanbag chair between them, but he's not home yet\nClark: Look at that. Look. Two hundred and forty channels of anything we wanna watch. No accounts! No fucking passwords! Just pure, simple, basic cable.\nScott: [opens the front door and enters the house] Mom! Dad! Guess what?! [closes the door]\nClark: Not now, Scott. Your mom and I are enjoying watching whatever we want [switches channels] and not signing up for anything.\nScott: But Dad, there's this new girl in school, and she has... diabetes!\nMrs. Malkinson: Oh, that's wonderful, Scott.\nScott: Yeah. And guess what? She wants to come over to our house! So we HAVE to get Disney+!\nClark: Oh, not this shit again! The answer is no! [gets up and heads for the kitchen]\nScott: Dad, please! This is my life!\nClark: Streaming services are destroying our culture, Scott! People got a thousand shows at their fingertips 24/7, so Hollywood has to make shows within their shows to make more shows!\nScott: But Dad, what's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it?\nClark: [mimicking] \"What's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it? I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes.\" [goes into the kitchen]\nScott: Unbelievable!! [turns left and walks away.]\nClark: [gets his phone and places a call] Yeah, it's me. It's time we took down all these streaming services down. Tell all the guys we're meeting ASAP, in a window between 10 am and 2 pm Thursday.\nScene Description: The Scott Malkinson show returns.\nClark: Goddamnit, where are they?! We're gonna run out of time! [two more men arrive in their work van.] Where the hell have you guys been?!\nRepairman 1 (Bill): You gave us a window of 10 am to 2 pm. It's 1:50.\nClark: \"Between 10 and 2 doesn't mean you wait until 1-fucking-50!\"\nRepairman 2 (Kurt): Wow. What's wrong with you??\nClark: What's wrong is that we;'re losin' our asses to these sons of bitches! I don't know about you buys, but I haven't worked a full day in weeks! [pounds his left fist into his right palm]\nRepairman 2: Hey, that's right.\nClark: These streaming services all still need the Internet to stream, right? And who laid all that cable those companies are streamin' on?!\nThe other workers: We did.\nClark: That's right. We fucking did. We're cable repairmen! We control what goes into people's houses! Us! It's time that we work together and show people how much they still need us!\nRepairman 3 (Michael): Yeah! Let's uncouple the stranded conductor!\nRepairman 2: Let's tear the insulation off the retractile cables.\nClark: Bill and Dave, you get supplies from the electronics store! Kurt, you help Michael with the hardware we're gonna need! Let's meet at the breaker between 4 and 7 pm!\nThe other workers: Yeah! [the repairmen get into their vans and race across town. Michael stops by a Walgreens to get his cholesterol checked. Bill and Dave head for a Royal Cinemas theater to watch a movie. Bill buys tickets and sends Dave off to buy snacks. Kurt goes into a tanning salon and gets an artificial tan.]\nScene Description: Canada Ploos appears onscreen\nAnnouncer: You're watching Canada Ploos. Your source for all Canadian entertainment.\nCartman: [checking out this streaming service] Oh, that's pretty cool.\nAnnouncer: Which Canadian program would you like to watch? [Cartman reviews the choices] Terrance & Philip. The Queef Sisters. Terrance & Philip. The Queef Sisters. Terrance &-. The Queef Sis-. [the channels pings, and The Queef Sisters appears onscreen. Catherine is sunbathing on a beach]\nKatie: Katherine, I have some bad news.\nKatherine: What is it, Katie? [Katie squats down on her face and queefs on it, then gets off and the sisters laugh]\nCartman: Agh, goddamnit. [pauses the stream and goes to the front door. He opens it, and Scott is on the landing]\nScott: You gotta help me!\nCartman: With what?\nScott: With my baby girl! [enters the house] She's everything to me, bro, but to impress her, I have to get Disney+. How can I get it without my parents' credit card?\nCartman: You don't wanna go around messin' with that.\nScott: [turns around to face Cartman] You had a girlfriend, Eric. You and Heidi were together a long time. You know how important this is.\nCartman: [walks off] You want my advice? You're better off, Scott. Let some other fool have his life ruined.\nScott: What are you talking about, Eric? It-\nCartman: [turns around] Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing: it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's just frustration, and anger, and pain. Relationships is diabetes times ten.\nScott: I can handle diabetes. I can handle a relationship.\nCartman: Fine. I'll tell you how to get Disney+. But when you feel like killing yourself in two years, don't do it in front of me.\nScene Description: At a barbershop\nClark: Alright, let's do this! [reclines so his hare can be soaked in water, then sits up for his haircut. He reads Firearms Quarterly, then checks out some aftershave lotion, makes some purchases, and leaves] Dave? Dave, you got everything from the electronics store?\nDave: Not yet. Still workin' on it.\nClark: Well what the fuck are you doing?!\nDave: You gave me a window from noon to 3 to get it all; it's only 2:45.\nClark: God-fucking-damnit, can we get the show on the road here, guys?! Kurt, you got the cable splitters?\nKurt: [long pause] ...Huh?\nClark: Goddamnit, get the cable splitters!\nScene Description: Downtown South Park. Scott walks down Main Street looking for someone. He stops when he sees Nathan in the distance: \"streaming accounts\", then checks the insulin supplies in his tote bag. He goes on to meet Nathan\nNathan: Steaming accounts and passwords! Steaming accounts! Passwords!\nScott: Ah, hey.\nNathan: Hey. What's going on?\nScott: Uuhh, Eric Cartman told me you have access to streaming accounts.\nNathan: Maybe I do, and maybe I don't. Are you a cop?\nScott: No, I'm Scott Malkinson. I go to your school.\nNathan: Never heard of you.\nScott: Haven't you ever heard the other kids say, \"I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes\"? Uh I'm Scott Malkinson.\nNathan: Oh, yeah. Well, in that case, [opens his jacket to reveal his wares] Hulu? Netflix? HBO Max? I got all the accounts and passwords you need.\nScott: No, I need a Disney+ account.\nNathan: Oh, you want the good stuff. That's pricey. Hard to find. What uh-are you lookin' to trade?\nScott: I have two 16-needle boxes of insulin. [takes out a box. Nathan takes a needle from the box and injects himself with it. A few seconds later he begins to shake.]\nNathan: Oh. Oh God. Oh! Ohhhhhhh! [the shaking subsides] Yeah, that's pretty good shit. [takes the box and sets it aside] Alright, here you go. [gives him a keygov] Disney+ account and password.\nScene Description: The sewer under the neighborhood, evening. Below the manhole cover, the repairmen get to work.\nClark: Alright, I got the static coupler conected to the RF switch. You got the BT router undone, dave?\nDave: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's got it.\nClark: Okay. Let's throw the pulse cable! [Dave stands up and pulls the switch, and the short travels around the tunnel, shutting down the electricity.] Yeah, I think that's good.\nScene Description: Scott's house, evening. Scott prepares a romantic dinner for himself and Sophie, and his sorting the chip bowl just right. The doorbell rings and he pants.\nScott: Oh God. [goes to answer the door]\nSophie: Hey!\nScott: Hi, Sophie.\nSophie: [runs in] The show starts streaming in two minutes! [sits in Clark's armchair] I have to watch right when it starts streaming. I hate spoilers.\nScott: Me too!\nSophie: This'll be a great place to watch it. [her phone beeps and she checks it out] Uh oh. Hey, do you have some juice or something? My blood sugar is a little low.\nScott: Oh my God, I love you so much.\nSophie: Huh?\nScott: [reaches over into a pail of chilled juices and hands her some fruit punch] Uh, uhhh, here you go. I have lots of juices standing by.\nSophie: Great! [takes the bottle and drinks from it through its straw. Scott grins] Mm, okay, it's time. Put it on.\nScott: O-kay! [turns the TV on and sees the Disney+ screen. He navigates to The Mandalorian] and clicks on it.\nSophie: Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Yesyesyesyes! [This makes Scott very happy. A baby Yoda appears onscreen lifting a cup, and the signal is lost] Hey, uh, what's going on?\nScott: I, uh I don't know. [begins changing channels and gets the J&G Shopping Network's \"Jewelry Bonanza with Dean\".]\nDean: This is item number 45-78111.\nSophie: Can you change it back?\nScott: It, ih-it's not... working.\nDean: Look at these stunning ear- [keeps shanging channels and gets static on Netflix, Amazon PrimeVideo, etc] I don't know what's going on!\nSophie: It's gonna be okay. That Jimmy kid invited me to watch at his house. Come on! [leaves the house]\nScott: [follows her out] Oh no, not Jimmy! Bae? Bae, come back!\nScene Description: PC Babies appears onscreen\nEmory: Now back to PC Babies.\nStan: PC Babies? What the hell is this? [The four are at Jimmy's house with Clyde]\nKyle: Put it back to Mandalorian, Jimmy! Nobody likes PC Babies.\nJimmy: [tries getting back to the show, but keeps getting basic shows] I'm trying, but... something's wrong with the TV.\nDean: -teen karat gold-\nCartman: This is bullcrap! Give me that thing!\nAnnouncer: You're watching Canada Ploos. [a shot of Katherine queefing on Katie]\nCartman: Goddamnit! [the doorbell rings and Jimmy goes to answer it. He opens the door and Sophie appears with Scott.]\nJimmy: Oh. Hey, Sophie.\nScott: [miffed that he wasn't acknowledged] And Scott.\nSophie: Hay! Hope it's still okay to come over?\nJimmy: Sure. Come on in. [leads them to the sofa] Hey, look who's here, fellas. It's Sophie.\nScott: And Scott!\nThe Boys: Hey, Sophie.\nSophie: Oh no, your streaming services are messing up too?\nStan: What do you mean? This isn't just happening here?\nSophie: No. We were just at Scott's house and it was the same thing. This is terrible!\nCartman: [leaves the sofa and walks over to Sophie] Hey, don't worry, Sophie. We can go watch it together at Token's house. His family has the best AV equipment.\nScott: Oh, what happened to \"girls are just like diabetes\"?!\nStan: Let's just hurry and get to Token's house!\nKyle: Yeah! Come on, Sophie!\nScott: And Scott!\nScene Description: A Hulu screen appears first, then a new show...\nSteve Black: [Token's family is shown] We're the Blacks, a hip family just trying to get by. The problem is, our neighbors.\nBob White: We're the Whites. Nobody cares if bad things ever happen to us anymore. And things are getting worse. [a shot of the familes facing off over a hedge row]\nBoth men: Because in this town, it's The Whites And The Blacks, on Amazon Prime.\nLinda S.: [pounds on the TV and gets different basic cable channels] What the? What is wrong with this stupid thing?!\nStephen: Aha, I don't even know who to call, uh. Here, let me try something. [presses buttons on his phone]\nClark: [his phone rings] Here it comes. Here it comes. [shushes the other repairmen and picks up] Park County Cable. Oh, your streaming isn't working. Huh. Gee, I'm sorry, that's really not our problem. [puts a thumb up, and another call tries to get through] Uh, ohuh sir, can you hang on? I got another call. [presses a button] Clark County Cable. None of your streaming services are working either? Don't worry. You and everyone else in this town can count on your local cable company. We'll come fix the problem. [hangs up] Alright guys, let's be the heroes this town needs!\nThe repairmen: Yeah!!\nScene Description: JBO Max appears onscreen, followed by \"Crab People\"\nAnnouncer: You're watching Crab People on HBO Max.\nSheriff: [talking to a woman at her house] So you say that these mutant crab people came up from under the ground and started eating children?\nWoman: Nonono, Crab People was the show that came on TV when I was trying to watch Stranger Things on Netflix.\nSheriff: Oh. [goes to the screen and stands next to it. The screen does have Crab People on it. He pounds on the TV a few times, but gets the same results everyone else has gotten. The front door opens and Sophie comes in with the group of boys]\nSophie: Mom, I can't watch Mandalorian anywhere. [looks at her TV] oh no, it's happening here too?\nSophie's Mom: Who are all these boys, Sophie?\nCartman: Hello ma'am. I'm Eric Cartman. How are you?\nJimmy: Uh hi, Muh my name is Jimmy.\nStan: Uh, my name's Stan Marsh. [Kyle and Kenny introduce themselves]\nClyde: ...Clyde Donovan.\nCartman: Yeah yeah, nobody cares, Clyde. [Scott feels left out, so he looks into the kitchen and moves towards it. He begins to move stealthily. He reaches the refrigerator and opens it, looking for something sweet to eat. Not satisfied with anything in the fridge, he looks elsewhere and finds a blueberry pie on the kitchen table. He climbs up onto a stool and starts eating the pie, getting more voracious with every bite]\nStan: Well, it looks like nobody's streaming shows tonight. Sorry, Sophie.\nCartman: Not as sorry as I am, Sophie.\nJimmy: I-I'm the most sorriest, So-Sophie.\nScott: [comes back to the living room in a rage and dressed a bit like Wolverine.] Yyeeaahh! [the other kids back up] You assholes, stop talking to her!\nStan: Scott?\nScott: I am done having you all ruin my life! You hear me?! Done! You've taken my dignity for all these years, but you are not taking my girlfriend!\nSophie: What are you talking about, Scott? I'm not your girlfriend.\nScott: [turns around] Eh. You're not?\nCartman: Uh oh, looks like you got some pie on your face, Scott.\nSophie: I'm not anyone's girlfriend! I just fuckiing moved here, you guys. Can I have some time to unpack the shit in my room?\nScott: But Sophie, you're totally my type! Type I diabetes!\nSophie: Scott, I'm more than just my diabetes.\nScott: [his hopes are dashed] ...Well I'm not. I'm Scott Malkinson. [turns around and walks out of the house with his head low]\nScene Description: \"One For The Ladies\" appears on-screen. Scott sits alone on the school's merry-go-round. He gets out his glucose meter and measures his sugar. 40. A very low level, as indicated by the broken heart on the monitor. He sighs and continues sitting there.\nSophie: Need a candy bar? [he looks to his left and sees her there] You're low, right? [she sits next to him] Here. [gives him a bar, which he eats] It stinks having diabetes sometimes, huh?\nScott: You seem to do alright.\nSophie: Still sucks. Kids don't know how much extra you have to do every day just to be okay.\nScott: Yeah.\nSophie: I'm glad there's a kid at my new school who I can talk about diabetes with.\nScott: You don't think I'm weird and gross?\nSophie: You know what? I don't think you're any weirder and grosser than any of the other boys in this town.\nScott: Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm sorry you missed your show, Sophie. I don't know what happened, but somehow I feel like it's my fault.\nSophie: That's okay. I had an interesting night. I think I kind of like the Scott Malkinson Show.\nScene Description: End of Basic Cable. \"The Scott Malkinson Show\" appears one last time, with a phone number to call for streaming right if anyone's interested: (719)838-4002. The cable repairmen run into view\nClark: Okay, we're here! Let's geh-aaah, shit! [they resume their walk, but slowly and out of view]"}
{"text": "Scene Description: The season ends with a regular introduction. Then comes the first scene, A Christmas gathering at the town square. A stage is set up with a Christmas tree behind it. Mr. Mackey sings and plays piano while the Mayor waits her turn to speak..Families are present, but there are stands for wine, beer, and cocktails. Mr. Mackey sings \"Happy Holidays\" as the townsfolk enjoy their drinks.\nMayor McDaniels: Alright, everyone! Are we enjoying the festivities?! [the crowd cheers] Well, it's time for a very special guest now. Here he is, SANTA! [steps to her left as Santa approaches the podium.]\nThe boys: Santa!\nSanta: [approahes with his arms up in the air.] Merry Christmas, everyone! This is the season for joy and giving. But let's also not forget that unfortunately, it's the season for accidents caused by drunk driving. [The cheering stops] Did you know that the holidays are when the most DUIs and drinking-related accidents occur?\nTownsman 1: This is like that little Greta girl with the global warming. [cups his lips] BUZZ KILL! [boos begin to rise from the audience.]\nSanta: Please, be sure to celebrate the holiday season responsibly, because last holiday season [the boos get louder and louder] The-, the most drunk-driving accidents than ever bef-\nTownsman 2: We're trying to have fun here, Santa!\nSanta: Okay, okay, Come on. All Santa is saying is that drinking and driving during the holidays-\nMayor: [steps in and moves him to one side] Okay, thank you, Santa! That was wonderful and informative. Thank you for coming [Santa turns and walks offstage], everyone. We hope your and your loved ones enjoy all your favorite holiday traditions.\nStephen: Yeah! Let's drive! [everyone gets in their cars and drives off. Reckless driving everywhere to the tune of \"Kay Thompson's Jingle Bells\".]\nScene Description: One couple fishtails it down the road, narrowly missing a head-on crash. The two drivers wave at each other. Two other cars almost crash at an intersection, but the red car stops and lets the other one by. The drivers wave at each other. The Valmers are driving home, each with a drink in hand, with Jimmy in the back seat. A driver in a green car rams into a fire hydrant, causing a geyser to rise up out of the ground. Another couple fishtails down the road. Five cars meet at an intersection and all narrowly miss each other. A driver in a purple car rams into a tree and is ejected from the car, dying instantly. One car with a mother and two kids stops in the middle of the street for no reason, and another car runs into it, causing collision damage. Five kids are on a hill waiting to slide down in snow tubes. A boy goes down and is run over by a car. and his snow tube is destroyed. A dog crosses the street and is shredded to bits by another car. The Stotches re driving home, with Butters in the back seat. Nothing happens there. Two other cars have a head-on collision in a residential street\nScene Description: Food 4 Little, next day. Shopping goes on as usual\nStephen: [greeting two other shoopers] Mornin', Jim. Mornin', Kate.\nJim: Mornin', Stotch.\nStephen: You really tied one one last night, huh? Happy holidays.\nScene Description: The liquor aisle. Jimbo, Liane, and the Whites look down the aidle, which is blocked off by a chain and a sign.\nJimbo: What the hell's goin' on?\nBob: Uh we c-, we don't know.\nStephen: [walks up] Hey guys. [notices the chain and sign] The fuck is this?\nJimbo: There's like a... chain blocking the liquor aisle.\nBob: Maybe we can just go around to the other side. Come on! [they all go around the blockage to the other end, where they see the Blacks, the Tweeks, and Mr. Mackey.]\nJimbo: What the hell?\nMr. Mackey: I don't know. There's some sort of blockage in front of the booth section.\nStephen: But this is ridiculous. [tries to enter the aisle, but the chain stops him. He reaches to his left, then to his right, but can't reach the bottles.] Manager? Manager!\nJason, the Manager: [arrives] Can I help you?\nStephen: Manager, there's a chain and sign blocking our way into the liquor aisle.\nJason: Yes. We can't sell liquor during the holidays. Somebody got a new county ordinance passed.\nStephen: What? Who has that kind of power?\nJimbo: It's Christmas, damnit! What are we supposed to drink?\nJason: You gotta just drink what ya have at your house.\nStephen: We drank it all before driving to the tree-lighting ceremony!\nAll: Yeah!\nScene Description: South Park Village Liquor, moments later. The proprietor rolls down his security doog and locks up\nStephen: Hey, woah woah woah, wait! Hold on!\nProprietor: Sorry, everyone. I've been shut down until the New Year.\nJimbo: No! Not you too??\nLiane: You must have something you can give us.\nProprietor: All I've got is this little bottle of peppermint schnapps, but it's barely enough form my drive home.\nStephen: [grabs the proprietor by the collar] I've got family coming over, from out of town! You can't expect me to be sober!\nScene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, moments later. He's wiping down wine glasses at the corner when the other rush into the bar\nStephen: Skeeter! Thank God you're still open. I've me a Cabernet, huh? And a couple of bottles to take home.\nSkeeter: I've got lemonade, soft drinks, and tea. That's all I can sell until January 2nd.\nRichard: Son of a bitch!\nLiane: This can't be happening.\nJimbo: Hey, come on, guys. It's still Christmas, and we have to make the best of it. How about we all drive around a little?\nStephen: Oh what's the point, Jimbo? What's the point in driving now?\nScene Description: South Park, a day or two later. A children choir sings \"Silent Night.\" The streets are barren - no one is driving or shopping. City Hall is shown in the background through a line of other buildings, with the Mayor and an aide looking out a window.\nMayor: Nobody's out shopping. The town is dead. Our economy depends on the holidays.\nJanson: We don't know who passed the ordinance, Mayor, but... well, the people feel left out.\nMayor: There's only one thing we can do. We're going to have to ask an old friend for help... and hope that he somehow forgives us.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The snow is thick there now. A couple of city SUVs drive up. The drives one, Stephen drives the other. Everybody gets out and walks up to Randy's door. The Mayor knocks. The door opens and everyone is a bit shocked. Randy has let his beard grow out, and it's gray and white.\nRandy: Hello, Mayor,... everybody. What are you doing here?\nMayor: Mr. Marsh, South Park needs you.\nRandy: For what?\nMayor: Everyone's down in the dumps. Nobody's buying presents or going to holiday events.\nRichard: People... they need some holiday spirit.\nMayor: We think that... a little weed might put everyone in a better mood.\nRandy: Guys, my season is over. Tegridy Farms' season ended weeks ago.\nMayor: We understand, but couldn't you do like a limited-edition run just to get people through the holidays?\nRandy: ...You want me to do a... Christmas special?\nMayor: Yes. South Park needs Tegridy Farms.\nStephen: We all do, Randy.\nRandy: But guys, look behind you. [points at the barren fields; they turn and look] The crops are dead. How am I supposed to sell weed to people now?\nMayor: I'll tell you how. [they turn back around] Because you're Randy Marsh, and there's one thing you have that nobody else does. Tegridy.\nRandy: Tegridy.\nStephen: You a-you're not gonna let a little cold weather stand in your way. Tegridy Farms is about community.\nMrs. Tweek: And community is what matters. That's Tegridy. That's Tegridy Weed.\nRandy: Well, you're right about that. Let me call my marijuana science specialist and... I'll see what I can do.\nMayor: Thank you, Marsh. May God bless Tegridy Farms.\nScene Description: The barn at Tegridy Farms, night. The barn is ablaze in light. Towelie and Randy are in the barn. Randy paces back and forth while Towelie sits on a hay bale.\nTowelie: Look, I'm sorry, Randy, but marijuana just doesn't grow in the cold.\nRandy: So we use the greenhouse. There's gotta be a way to make a Christmas special. It's what everyone wants.\nTowelie: [gets off the hay bale] Wwwait a minute. [walks off a bit] How about we repackage some of the surplus? [stands before three shelves of surplus, one for Mexican Joker, one for Halloween Special, and one for Season Finale. None of them are to be touched] I have lots of left-over Mexican Joker.\nRandy: That's 'cause people really didn't like Mexican Joker. I'm not gonna just repackage it. That's not special.\nTowelie: Okay, so how about we combine- what's left of the Mexican Joker with some of the Season Finale?\nRandy: Nagh.\nTowelie: What's wrong?\nRandy: [walks off] It's just... it needs [turns around] something else. Just mixing old product together and naming it something new? That's not special. [turns around, but immiediately turns back] And it's not Tegridy! [walks to the barn entrance and leans on it] It's just not Tegridy. [looks up at the stars and focuses on a pulsar] It's gonna be your birthday soon, Jesus. I wanna make something as special as you are. [gets pensive and pumps his fist.] I just need the right idea. [the wind picks up and he looks up again. A cloud comes up and blocks the star, and snow begins to fall. Randy raises his hands palms up, not knowing how to react]\nScene Description: South Park Winter Rink. Kids ice-skate to \"Blue Christmas\" as the parents look on from outside the rink\nStephen: I hate the holidays.\nLinda B.: Come on, Token! Let!s wrap it up and get out of here! [the kid gather in front of the Christmas tree]\nCraig: Dude, our parents seem really bummed out.\nJimmy: Yeah. It's like someone came and took all their Christmas ssssspirit.\nCartman: [skates into view.] This isn't good, you guys. You know what it means when our parents have no Christmas spirit? Shitty presents. We're screwed, you guys.\nButters: Well they just gotta get their Christmas spirits back. They just gotta.\nKenny: [after a few seconds] (What's that?!) [a snow mobile is heard in the distance and it gets louder]\nLiane: [turns around] Look. [the other adults turn around. Randy pulls up in the snow mobiile pulling a sled full of the Christmas special, and honks his horn. Towelie comes down from the top of the load as Randy steps off the mobile]\nRandy: Well howdy there, folks.\nGerald: Randy?\nRandy: Heard you were all a little down and might need a boost. [bends his arms at the elbows and swings them], so I thought I'd bring you some [removes the tarp] Christmas Snow. [the camera pans across the cargo, showing jars of Tegridy weed covered in white powder. The crowd marvels at it and gathers around] Whoa whoa, there's enough for everybody. [the adults start taking jars of the stuff and paying Towelie for it]\nStephen: [opens his jar and sniffs] Oh wow, this smells great!\nThomas: Hey, what's this white stuff on the top?\nRandy: Just a little somethin' extra for a special kick.\nStephen: Well, what are we waiting for, everyone? Let's do some driving! [the adults promptly get in their cars and start driving recklessly]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day.\nAnnouncer: Now, back to the Tegridy Farms Christmas Special.\nScene Description: The Mayor bangs on Randy's door. Janson is with her. Randy answers the door and looks out\nRandy: Oh, hi Mayor.\nMayor: We need to talk, Marsh! [they head inside]\nRandy: What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas special so far?\nMayor: [eyes the weed carefully] Oh, people loooove the Christmas special. [picks up a jar] So, Marsh [turns around], what exactly is in this Christmas snow?\nRandy: Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong...\nMayor: Nonono, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?\nRandy: Oh that? That's cocaine.\nMayor: WHAT???\nRandy: Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, powder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. [gives Janson and the Mayor a tour of his small operation] Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.\nMayor: What is wrong with you?! [Janson's jaw drops] We can't have you selling this stuff in town! COCAINE IS ILLEGAL!\nRandy: It is?? [he and Towelie look at each other and shrug]\nMayor: Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!\nRandy: Hey hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. [being walking away] Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere.\nScene Description: Randy pulls away from the farm and goes to town. He stands outside a store collecting signatures to legalize cocaine. He walks around waving a \"MAKE MEDICINAL COCAINE LEGAL NOW!\" sign\nRandy: Legalize it! Legalize it!\nScene Description: He speaks before Congress, wish signs for cocaine for the terminally ill and for Alzheimers patients on either side. He opens a medicinal cocaine store and gets some news coverate. He returns to the store that started it all, with two clipboards and a sign now urging \"Cocaine is for EVERYONE, not just sick people.\" He speaks at Coachella with a sign behind him: \"THE DRUG WAR IS RACIST\" He then leads a protest march. Then he returns home, where the Mayor and Janson are still waiting, and goes inside\nRandy: Okay, cocaine's totally legal now.\nMayor: It- it is? [reads the new law]\nRandy: Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.\nScene Description: Santa's Workshop in South Park. A line of kids and their parents wait for Santa to show up. Next, Santa takes requests from Butters\nButters: I'm sorry, Santa, I just can't think of anything I want this year. Well I guess maybe now I'm losing my Christmas Spirit.\nSanta: Well, how about a little baby Yoda doll?\nButters: Neah. Mandalorian was great the first few episodes, but it's really fallin' apart lately. [a car screeches off-screen, a woman screams, and a crash occurs, followed by shattering glass. Santa sets Butters down, gets up and walks forward a bit]\nSanta: What on earth?? [his arms spread out upon closer inspection]\ndriver: [stumbles out of his car, slurring] Me-herry Christmas.\nSanta: What the-? How are people still drinking and driving??\nWoman: [speaking a little quickly] Oh, they aren't drunk, Santa. Everyone's just enjoying this. [holds up a jar of Christmas Snow] Tegridy Farms Christmas Snow. It's organic, locally grown, and available now. [hands the jar to Santa]\nTownsman (voice): It's great, Santa.\nMr. Testaburger: Oh, you gotta try it, Santa. It's really good.\nTownsman 3: Yeah, try it. You gotta try it. It's amazing, Santa.\nSanta: Marijuana? This isn't what Santa meant! I got rid of liquor and now you assholes are all just getting high?! God-fucking-damnit! [smashes the jar into the ground, shattering it] Santa will just see about this! [storms off]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy and Towelie are busy packaging more Christmas Snow in the living room\nRandy: Our Christmas special is so amazing, I don't know how we're gonna keep up with all the demand.\nTowelie: I know. I know. I can't print labels fast enough.\nRandy: We need more help. We're never gonna get enough done in time. Hey Shelley! Hey Shelley! Hey Shelley!\nShelley: [walks into view] What?!\nRandy: Hey Shelley, can you help us make more labels for our Christmas special?\nShelley: No! I'm not helping you with your stupid blow. [walks out of view]\nRandy: Oh great. My daughter had a marijuana problem and now she has a problem with cocaine. [hears someone hammering at his front door] Ah. Must be more customers. [opens the door to see a man hammering a chain and sign across the entrance, same as the chain and sign at Foor 4 Little] What the hell is this?\nWorker: New ordinance's been passed by the county. No marijuana sales till after the holidays.\nRandy: Heheey, fuck you. Who has that kind of power?\nWorker: Look, I just do what I'm told, man. Happy holidays. [turns and walks down the steps and away] Hey, but eh, you can't do this. [closes the door and tells Towelie] They just dshut down our business.\nTowelie: What are you talking about?\nRandy: We can't sell marijuana during the holidays.\nTowelie: What are we gonna do?\nRandy: [walks off a bit] We can't give up on the Christmas special. People need it. I think I know a way around this.\nScene Description: Tegridy Weed commercial, winter holiday version\nAnnouncer 2: [shots of Tegridy Farms in winter] There's somethin' 'bout the holiday season. [Towelie sits on the Tegridy Farms sign holding a candy cane with a bow on it, and waves at the camera.] Folks seem a little nicer. The days, a little more special. [a shot of a small gathering for a meal] And sometimes we all need a little pick-me-up without any added ingredients. [a shot of marijuana-free Christmas Snow] Introducing marijuana-free Christmas Snow from Tegridy Farms. [Randy pours out the blow in two lines on the dining table] All the festive snow you love, without that pesky marijuana. [Randy looks out over his fields and rests on a fence post] Because there's nothin' like a warm fire, holiday presents, [Randy is out in the field, grinning and licking his teeth.] and a little Rocky Mountain cocaine. [a couple of shots of couples sharing gifts] During Christmas, don't you want your cocaine to be organic, pure, and locally-grown? [four women throw confetti in the air, followed by a shot of someone snorting coke, then someone cutting it to their desired amount] Cocaine that's grown locally has never been smuggled, so the only ass it's gonna be up is yours. [another couple trades gifts, then the montage ends with a jar of Christmas Snow] Marijuana-free Christmas Snow, now available from Tegridy Farms. It's cocaine that's farm to nostril.\nScene Description: A shot of driving habits under this drug. Then, a shot of the boys sitting on the steps in front of City Hall watching it all\nCartman: Boy, people sure have the holiday spirit now.\nKyle: Yeah, what the hell happened?\nJimmy: It's weird, though. My parents have a lot of holiday spirit, but they sleep until three in the afternoon every day.\nCraig: Yeah. Last night, my mom had a ton of holiday spirit and then passed out. She hasn't gone to buy me any presents.\nCartman: Butters, your mom has so much holiday spirit that she's riding an ATV with her tits out. [Butters' jaw drops as he sees his mom approaching the boys doing that that.]\nLinda Stotch: Christmas. Woo-oo-ooo.\nButters: Yeah, that's a little too much holiday spirit, if you ask me.\nScene Description: Town Square, day. Randy has a booth set up, \"\"Tegridy Farms Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow. He and Towelie are taking orders from two lines of people\nRandy: There you are, ma'am. There you are, sir. This is amazing, Towelie. Tegridy Farms is finally gonna make all the money I ever dreamed of.\nSanta: [showing up] What the Sam Hell is going on here?! [the clients begin answering. Santa takes a jar from one of them] Marijuana-free Christmas Snow? Do you realize that tomorrow is Christmas Eve?!\nStephen: And it's gonna be the best Christmas ever! [the sound of wheels screeching is heard, and all turn to see what it is. A woman is heard screaming, then the impact, then shattering glass. Then cheers as two wrecked cars are shown, the drivers clearly under the influence]\nFemale driver: Happy holidays! Woo!\nScene Description: The rooftops, night. Santa slinks from house to house, going down chimneys and confiscating the jars of Christmas Snow. The first house he visits has a table with a jar of coke, six lines of coke, two razor blades, a straw made from a dollar bill, and a small mound of coke on it. He takes it all and swipes it into his sack. Next he visits the Stotch house, into the master bedroom, looks in Linda's nightstand and removes two tiny packets of coke, then takes a jar from the Christmas tree and another jar from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He goes to Mackey's bed and takes the jar from Mackey's hands while Mackey sleeps. Mackey has some coke on his nostrils, but Santa leaves that alone. Santa then goes to the Broflovski house and takes the jars from the tree. He notices Ike looking on, gives him some milk, and sends him back upstairs. He sweeps a bunch of coke in baggies off a table, takes a jar from another tree, then reaches Tegridy Farms itself. He goes to the ban and puts every jar he sees into his sack. He throws the sack onto his sleigh and urges the reindeer to get moving.\nSanta: Santa to base, come in.\nElf: This is base. Go ahead, Santa.\nSanta: Sleigh is too loaded down to fly. Gonna have to take the roads until I can find a place to dump all this blow. [hears Randy honking behind him and turns to make sure]\nRandy: [coming up fast on his snowmobile] Hold on tight, Towelie! We have to save Christmas! [Santa faces forward and brings down the whip on the reindeer a few times. The race is on. Santa looks over his shoulder, then notices something ahead]\nSanta: Oh shit! [runs through a guard rail and over a cliff.] Ho ho ho!\nRandy: O-ho! [follows Santa over the cliff] Ohhhhh!\nScene Description: South Park, day. Stephen looks around for his Christmas Snow in the bathroom\nStephen: The hell is...? Did you do all my marijuana-free Christmas snow?\nLinda: [appears at the bathroom door] I was just gonna ask you the same thing.\nStephen: What are you talking about?\nLinda: Mine's all gone. You had another bander last night, didn't you?\nStephen: No! [points at her] Clearly you did!\nScene Description: The Tucker house. Thomas hears some pounding at his door and goes to answer it and sees Stephen and Linda.\nStephen: Thomas, we were just wondering if we could borrow a little Christmas Snow.\nThomas: You can't find yours either?? My wife's been searching all morning. [in the kitchen, Laura dumps the trash onto the floor and starts looking through it]\nLaura: The trash. We must have thrown it in the trash. It has to be here somewhere.\nScene Description: Eventually, all the residents gather in the street and chat about the missing Snow\nBob: Alright listen. Somebody obviously took everyone else's snow and it's not cool! Come on. it's Christmas!\nSteve: Somebody has to have a little. I feel like total shit.\nMr. Mackey: It's gone, okay?! Just face it, it's all gone!\nScene Description: The cliff bottom, day. Santa looks through the wreckage that was his sleigh.\nSanta: [to the head elf] This is Santa. The sleigh still isn't functional. Got some of it repaired, but I don't think I'm gonna make it back in time for Christmas. [Randy appears behind him and walks up]\nRandy: Hey Santa. We need to talk.\nSanta: Stay back, mutherfucker!\nRandy: Santa, you don't understand.\nSanta: Oh, Santa understands plenty! You assholes drink and drive and you think marijuana is somehow different, go driving around on that, and then you go and make this shit!\nRandy: Santa, that's not just cocaine. It's Tegridy cocaine.\nSanta: Oh, don't give Santa that! Coke is coke! [turns away]\nRandy: That's not true! This cocaine is grown locally. By local people. Please, just try it!\nSanta: Santa's done coke before. Santa knows what-\nRandy: Please! [Santa pauses, takes a dash of coke, and sniffs t]\nSanta: It's, it's cocaine. Just like every other cocaine Santa's ever tried. You people really think that the holidays are- Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. But it doesn't matter! Because Christmas is a- Wow, that is really clean.\nRandy: Right?\nSanta: It's like not speedy at all. It's really mellow. [walks to a log and sits down] Honestly, I didn't think cocaine could be this pure, wow.\nRandy: [joins him] Because it's grown here. On a farm. It's not cut with any nasty chemicals or harmful impurities. [hands Santa a metal sheet and a thin pipe]\nSanta: No, you can tell. It's really clean. Santa likey. [sniffs up some more coke] Maybe I have been a little too old-fashioned in my thinking.\nJesus: I can't believe what I'm hearing! [they look up and see Jesus approaching]\nSanta: Oh Jesus.\nJesus: I have heard your prayers, Marsh! And I've been watching. You want people to think that home-grown cocaine is the same as legalizing marijuana?\nSanta: Jesus, you really gotta try it.\nJesus: No!\nSanta: You cut out the middle man, nobody dies in South America, nobody dies from impurities [sniff].\nRandy: Please, Jesus.\nJesus: [Takes a tray and straw, and sniffs the coke.] Okay, I get it. It's really clean. It's... yeah. It's a good high.\nSanta: It's fucking pure.\nRandy: It's Tegridy.\nJesus: Well, maybe we all do need a little Tegridy at Christmas time. [walks up to the sleigh]\nSanta: What are you doing, Jesus?\nJesus: I think it's time for a little Christmas miracle. [lifts out three sacks of Christmas Snow and disperses the snow all over town. Adults begin noticing the blow and tasting it.]\nTownsman 4: [tastes the blow settling on his hand] Hey. Hey. Hey, everybody!\nMr. Mackey: [in the town square] Try to catch some on your tongue. It's fun.\nCartman: Does this mean you all have the Christmas spirit again?\nStephen: You're darn tootin' we do!\nRandy: Hey guys, I'm so happy my Christmas Special turned out okay.\nSanta: It's more than okay. Tegridy cocaine is smooth and has a great finish.\nJesus: I'll bet when coke becomes legal soon, everyone will want Tegridy Cocaine!\nStephen: Well, only one thing left to do, gang. Let's go driving!\nAll: Yeah! [they get into their cars and start driving recklessly again]\nAnnouncer 2: All-natural Tegridy Cocaine. Endorsed and approved by Santa Claus. Available soon at a store near you."}
{"text": "Scene Description: The episode begins with a bleak landscape. Everything in town looks abandoned and decayed. In the school playground, one of the swings is falling apart. At the bus stop, a shoe print echoes the one at the moon landing, while a Vons sign is on the ground nearby. Butters sits on the front steps to his house, his head on his hands, wearing an N95 face mask. His father Stephen exits the house wearing a mask, with a trash bag\nButters: Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?\nStephen: Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear!\nButters: But they said they were open again, so I-\nStephen: Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to nonessential businesses when it's nonessential! [looks out into the street. A group of four people walks by. Two of them are not wearing their masks properly] Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help. [the group just moves off, followed by mumbling. More people walk by, eventually becoming a crowd] What the? What's going on now?!\nRoger Donovan: Something at the town square. Everyone's gathering!\nStephen: Well are we protesting or are we rioting?\nRoger: No no, it's something to do with the pandemic. Something big is going on.\nStephen: Stay here, Butters. [sets the trash bag down and joins the crowd]\nScene Description: The Town Square. The stage is set up, with a sign over it reading \"SOUTH PARK BENEFIT FOR COVID-19\" Behind him, the background said \"WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER\"\nRandy: Hey everybody. Can everyone hear me okay? Thanks for turning out, everyone. You know, we've all been through a lot these past several months. We've shut down and people have lost their businesses, lost their livelihoods. I also own a small business. I sell weed, and I have to say ... I'm actually doing pretty good. Amazing. [a business growth chart for 2020 pops up, showing how the business has grown since the pandemic began.] Tegridy Farms weed has seen a 400% increase in sales since the shutdown in March. I see Thomas Turner out there [Heidi's dad, shown with her mom]. Thomas opened a restaurant in SoDoSoPa... doesn't seem like such a good idea now, does it, Turner? [a flash of anger appears on their faces] And there's Marley Jarvis, who owned and operated her own tanning salon. Whoops. But I just can't stand here and gloat, because Tegridy Weed is about giving back to people. And that's very proud to announce... that Tegridy Weed is having a Pandemic Special! [a collage of pictures taken over the year appears, with \"$ PANDEMIC SPECIAL $\" plastered over it] And all-new hybrid of our best weed sold at nearly 10% off our usual price. Not only that, but when you buy three pounds or more of the Pandemic Special you get a complimentary Pandemic 2020 bong [a large blue bong with PANDEMIC 2020 on it.]. We are a community. Let's all be together... with Tegridy. [the Tegridy Farms logo pops up]\nScene Description: Randy and Sharon are driving home\nRandy: I think people are really excited. What do you think?\nSharon: A pandemic special, Randy?! Really?!\nRandy: What?\nSharon: People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is making a special about it?\nRandy: [assertively] I'm doing positive to try and help. People really need this right now.\nSharon: You are a child, Randy! These are very serious times and nobody wants or cares about your stupid special right now!\nRandy: [a bit softly] We'll see if they like my special.\nScene Description: An aerial view of the suburbs. A drown zeroes in on Cartman's house. \"SOUTH PARK Pandemic SPECIAL\" appears on the screen.\nScene Description: Cartman's room. He's in bed, but wakes up refreshed and jumps up. A rod with a small \"6'\" flag sits by the bedroom door\nCartman: Wow! [gets up and throws his curtains open] Another day inside, don't have to do a thing. I love you, social distancing. No one's around, no one's talking to me. Social distancing, I'm free! Don't have to brush my teeth or shower. For what? I can sit on the toilet for hours. As long as I want. 'Cause no one's saying to me \"You kids should go outside and do something.\" [his phone alarm rings - it's time to log in.] Oh! 9 am. Time for school! [hops off the bed and goes to his computer, then logs into Zoom]\nMrs. Nelson: Good morning, guys. Everyone ready to start school? [Cartman's screen fills up windows of his classmates and teacher]\nClyde: Good morning.\nWendy: Hello.\nKyle: Hi.\nSef Furman: Hello.\nStan: I'm, I'm here.\nMrs. Nelson: Okay, I think we're all here. I see Jimmy and Clyde are on now. Eric, are you there?\nCartman: Yes, teacher, I'm here. I can't wait to start [fakes a computer glitch] schoo... schoo... schoo... oo... oo...\nMrs. Nelson: Oh no, Eric, I think your computer is freezing up again.\nCartman: Oh no? Can you guys hear me? I just said eh... eh... eh... eh...\nMrs. Nelson: Eric, you'll just have to listen again, okay? Best you can. So let's start today, guys, by going over yesterday's grammar examples. [Cartman puts up a tablet with the same facial expression he just made, making sure he can see it is his own Zoom window, and leaves] Wendy, can you read the first one?\nCartman: I'm cut off from the world, isolated, alone. This is what I can existencing. No one can touch me or boss me around. Social distancing- [grabs the rod and goes downstairs]\nLiane: [sees Cartman coming down the stairs] Eric, aren't you supposed to be on your Zoom call?\nCartman: [jabs at her with the rod as he goes to the kitchen] Stay away from me, Mom, yeah. You've got to keep your social distance. 'Cause all I'm gonna do is sing about how much I love you and need you, social distancing [pours himself some Cheesy Poofs cereal and milk]\nLiane: Sweetie, I know these are challenging times.\nCartman: Yeah Social distancing, Mom.\nLiane: But we all still have to try and do our work.\nCartman: [between bites] Computer keeps freezing, Mom. Maybe, if you were an essential worker, we could afford faster Internet.\nLiane: I at least need you to get some of your homework done, okay? And then m-maybe take a shower.\nCartman: Oh, what a folly a shower seems when my generation is being denied their lives. I can't see my friends. I can't even go to school. How I miss Kyle. Heh heh heh heh.\nLiane: Sweetie, it's all going to be over soon. They're actually talking about school opening up again in a few days! [Cartman stops eating, then turns around to look at Liane]\nCartman: What... the fuck... are you talking about?\nLiane: There's going to be a big meeting. Sounds like they're trying to get you, kids, back in school!\nCartman: We can't go back to school: there's a fucking pandemic.\nLiane: But they're talking about maybe staggering you kids every other day.\nCartman: They can't do that!\nLiane: Eric, you're going to be able to be with all the other kids again!\nCartman: Oh no, I see! There's all this horrible stuff going on in the world, but apparently, Cartman's life doesn't matter! [storms out of the kitchen]\nLiane: [gives chase] Eric, you can't-\nCartman: [forces her back in the kitchen with his rood] Ahp! Get back! Get back! Six feet, Mom1 Six fucking feet! [makes sure she doesn't move, then leaves]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A sign on the farm's board says \"Get Your PANDEMIC SPECIAL!!\" Other signs promote safe distancing and safe curbside pick-up. A line of cars waits for its purchases. Randy has an umbrella out, as it's raining.\nRandy: [as a driver pulls away] Okay, thank you very much! Hope you enjoy the Pandemic Special! [another driver pulls up] Hi, you here for the special? Here you go.\nScene Description: The farmhouse window, day, kitchen. Sharon is eating lunch when Stan walks up to the table and joins her.\nSharon: How was school, Stanley?\nStan: It's not school! It's a freakin' joke. We're not even learning anything.\nSharon: I know this has all been really hard on you, Stanley. Do you wanna talk about it?\nStan: No, I'm fine, Mom! You know, I'm strong. I'm just worried about how this is all affecting weaker kids like, you know, like Butters.\nSharon: Yeah. Well, it's nice you care about our friend, but if you need to talk... I know this is really hard on everyone.\nRandy: [Walks in happily] Well, that's it, guys. We have run out of weed for the day. [takes a seat next to Stan] Oh, hang on. Sorry, uh, didn't somebody say the pandemic special was a bad idea?\nSharon: I wasn't saying you wouldn't make money, I was saying maybe that's not what should matter right now!\nRandy: Oh, come on, think about it. Do you even know anyone personally who's dying of COVID?\nSharon: Yes! My brother Jimbo, who is in the hospital!\nStan: Yeah, Uncle Jimbo.\nRandy: Jimbo's a fat alcoholic who'd be in the hospital anyway. All I'm saying is that we let some dirty virus from \"China\" completely upend our lives and shut us down!\nSharon: Please do not quote the President in front of our child!\nRandy: Sharon, I went to China, remember? Last season? I went there to sell our weed and ended up hanging out with Disney and Mickey Mouse. You remember all that? I know what China's like. Doesn't surprise me all this shit came from there.\nShelly: [off screen] We're going back to school!\nSharon: What?\nShelly: [peeks in] They're gonna let us go back to school! [runs out]\nScene Description: the living room. The TV is on and Shelly runs in to watch the news. Randy and Sharon join him\nAnchor Tom: The Park County School District is holding a parent meeting tomorrow, and officials are hopeful that students can return to school on Monday.\nStan: Wow, that's great!\nSharon: Oh, I don't know if this is a good idea.\nAnchor Tom: The openings come on the heels that scientists are getting closer to finding the origins of the COVID pandemic.\nChief Scientist: Y-yes, we've been able to trace the virus and confirm that it did, in fact, come from a seedy part of China.\nRandy: HA. Told ya! [turns and walks towards the kitchen.]\nChief Scientist: And, in fact, we've pinpointed the virus to a certain bat in Wuhan.\nRandy: [stops in his tracks and looks back] A bat in Wuhan?\nChief Scientist: What we still don't understand is, how did a transmitted disease get from a bat to a human? How can a virus jump species like that? We just don't know.\nScene Description: Randy flashes back to his China trip last year, on which he's traveling with a bunch of other American companies to pitch their products to the Chinese. He remembers the landing and the arrest for the marijuana in his luggage...] Hello. Oh, Oh hey! [...his time in a Chinese prison making goods, his trial at a tribunal...] You could use some, Tegridy, China! [...celebrating the discharge with Mickey Mouse]''\nMickey Mouse: Here's to China! Haha.\nRandy: To China!\nMickey: [Some scenes that weren't seen in last year's episode, \"Band In China\": Randy and Mickey are at a bar downing some drinks]\nRandy: Boy, you sure know how to party, Mick!\nMickey: Oh my God1 Look at her! Haha! She's so hot! [Randy gets a good look at the female Mickey's looking at]\nRandy: I think that's a bat.\nMickey: Yeah! It's a bat! It's a mouse, with wings!\nScene Description: outside the bar, Randy wanders the narrow streets looking for Mickey.\nRandy: Hey, Mick? Where'd you go? [stumbles upon Mickey fucking the bat]\nMickey: Haha, haha. Oh boy!\nRandy: Oooh!\nMickey: Haha! Randy, you gotta try it! Go ahead, take a turn!\nRandy: [takes his turn and thoroughly enjoys it, then snaps out of the memory]\nStan: If they're letting us go back to school, then soon we can get back to everything! I mean, doesn't this mean things are finally going back to normal? Dad?\nRandy: I gotta go! [runs through the kitchen]\nScene Description: Walt Disney Co., Burbank, CA., day. In the corporate office, Mickey is fielding calls\nMickey: Then sell fucking Epcot Center! If we can't get people on the rides, then sell the fuckin' thing! [hangs up that phone and switches to another] Nonono! I said MORE Mandalorian! [hangs up that phone] Jesus Christ! We're fucking dying here! [answers his cell phone] What?! Fucking what?! Haha.\nRandy: Hey, it's Randy Marsh From, from Tegridy Farms?\nMickey: What do you want, Marsh?! I'm in the fuckin' weeds here!\nRandy: Look, um, do you remember when we fucked that bat in Wuhan?\nMickey: I've fucked a lot of bats!\nRandy: Well, I've only fucked one! I remember. Right after, I got really sick, and this was all back in October.\nMickey: Jesus Christ, you fucker! You started all this!\nRandy: You told me to fuck the bat!\nMickey: You didn't quarantine yourself after you got home?!\nRandy: Nobody knew anything about COVID when I fucked the bat! I thought I just came back from China with the flu! Look, we can't let scientists find that bat. My wife is crazy. If she finds out I started the pandemic, she's gonna be a total bitch about it. [Mickey is stunned]\nScene Description: The neighborhood. Cartman runs through it with his 6-foot pole. A couple walks their toy dog; he jabs the male aside with his pole. A jogger goes towards a park exit; he jabs him aside with his pole. He reaches Kyle's house and knocks on the door. Then he bangs on the door with the pole. Then he throws the pole through Kyle's bedroom window. Kyle opens the front door\nCartman: Dude, you are not gonna believe this.\nKyle: What are you doing here??\nCartman: [barges in] Is your dad home, Kyle? We need to talk to a lawyer! Mr. Broflovski?!\nKyle: Dude, get out of my house! If you wanna talk, we can go outside!\nCartman: They're gonna try and make us go back to school.\nKyle: [covers his mouth and nose under his jacket] Dude, you could be spreading germs! [backs away]\nCartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle! They want us to go back. To school!\nKyle: So?\nCartman: \"So?\" What the fuck is-? You really wanna go back to that slavery?!\nKyle: I want an education! I want to be able to compete for a job when I get older!\nCartman: You crazy, psychotic... Kyle, we need to get a lawyer to stop schools from forcing us back! Now, whatever your messed-up beliefs are about \"wanting to go to school\"\nKyle: You really wanna spend the next year on Zoom?\nCartman: You don't have to be on Zoom, there's a million ways around it! Mark my words, Kyle: first they'll force us back to school, then they'll take social distancing away from us completely, and I'll be out of my room having to hang out with you!\nKyle: You're out of your room hanging out with me now!\nCartman: [realizes this] Oh my God. They won't get away with this!\nScene Description: South Park, day. Randy walks down Main Street with his mask on, deep in thought. He hears a woman sobbing. He looks over to see an elderly woman weeping as her husband is carried out on a gurney into an ambulance. He walks by the town cemetery, where he sees a casket lowered into the ground. He then sees something that astonishes him: Red Robin going out of business due to COVID-19. As booth benches are being carried into trucks, Death appears and points to the interior. Randy turns away and cries silently\nMan with Orange Shirt: Hey! Excuse me [Randy turns to see him, and he approaches], y-you're Randy Marsh, right?\nRandy: Uh... m-maybe.\nMan with Orange Shirt: Yeah. Look man, I just wanna say thanks, you know? The Pandemic special is really amazing.\nRandy: Oh yeah. Cool. Thank you.\nMan with Orange Shirt: Nono, listen. You... you're awesome! All this horrible stuff going on and... well, you come along and try to fight it!\nRandy: Okay, thanks.\nMan with Orange Shirt: Y-you see, I... I lost my wife... to the virus. My kids, I... I don't even know how to talk to them, you know. Just... just thank God for your Pandemic Special. Thank God. It's a great special, it really is.\nRandy: Okay.\nMan with Orange Shirt: No, it's an awesome special. And i-and it was a great idea to do a special.\nRandy: Okay okay, just stop! [runs away]\nScene Description: Mr. Mackey's home office. He's on a Zoom meeting with the parents\nMr. Mackey: M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?\nSheila: How are you going to do this?\nStephen: Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?\nThomas: Oh, here we fucking go again! Stop mask shaming, Stotch!\nStephen: Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.\nThomas: There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!\nStephen: Spoken like a true redneck!\nCarol McCormick: Oh, fuck you! [everyone starts talking over each other. One of them says \"That's not fair!\"]\nMr. Mackey: Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer to mute everyone else's microphone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! [no one on screen is moving] Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key and the mics are back on]\nMrs. Tweek: I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.\nMrs. Testaburger: The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?! I was at Ross- [accusing resumes]\nMr. Mackey: Okay, BOOM! [silences the mics again] You're all muted! Mmkay?! I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger Donovan raises his hand] Mr. Donovan!\nRoger: I don't care what changes you've made, my son Clyde is not going to class!\nMr. Mackey: And that is your prerogative. Mute! [mutes Roger, unmutes Sharon] Mmkay, Mrs. Marsh.\nSharon: I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.\nMr. Mackey: That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, BUT... we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Mmkay, so they'll do just about anything.\nStephen: What new teachers?\nScene Description: South Park, day. The police force is now the new teaching staff. Harrison Yates addresses them outside the police station\nYates: Alright, men! As you all know, due to recent events totally beyond our control, we have lost most of our funding. But this new venture will be great. and I know we will all thrive as elementary schoolteachers. This might be our last chance at a job, so I don't want any unnecessary deaths. [the officers groan \"Awww!\"] Ahp! Ahp! No unnecessary deaths! And let's show this town just what great leaders we can be. This is gonna be great.\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Sharon gives Shelly and Stan their lunches\nAnchor Tom: All over South Park this morning, children are getting ready for their first day of class. And as they do, scientists say they're closer to finding a vaccine.\nStan: Oh cool! Turn it up!\nBill Keegan: Tom, I'm standing in front of the newly built viral research center where scientists say they have found the animal which started the coronavirus. [some lab scientists are shown working on samples] The creature was located in China and then flown to the facility here, where scientists are studying it thoroughly.\nRandy: [peaks in upon hearing the report] Heyheyhey, whoa whoa! W-what are you guys doing?!\nStan: They think they're about to find the vaccine.\nChief Scientist: Yes, now that we have the animal in our possession, we'll finally be able to unlock what caused a virus to jump from it to humans.\nRandy: [stands in front of the TV] Does it matter what started coronavirus?! Who cares what started coronavirus?! You guys are being racist! We don't need to watch this! Where's the remote? [begins looking all over the sofa] This is... this is racist television and we're not gonna watch it! [checks out the sofa on either side of Sharon]\nSharon: I want to hear this, Randy!\nRandy: No! No. You know what? You guys are horrible! Just, just stop it right now!\nBill Keegan: You traced the virus to Wuhan, but what you found was not a bat. Is that correct?\nChief Scientist: Nono, the virus did not come from a bat.\nRandy: You guys- [stops mid-sentence] What? What did he say?\nChief Scientist: We were able to break down the virus enough to see there was actually no bat involved.\nRandy: No bat involved. No bat involved! [dances around gleefully] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! It wasn't a bat! It wasn't a bat! It wasn't a bat! In your face! In your face! It wasn't a bat!\nChief Scientist: When we tracked the virus, we found it did originate in Wuhan, but from a species called pholidota.\nBill Keegan: And what exactly is pholidota?\nChief Scientist: It's a pangolin. And here it is, right over here. [Bill Keegan and the Chief Scientist walk over to a cage holding the pangolin]\nStan: What' a pangolin, Mom?\nSharon: I'm not even sure. Do you know what a pangolin is, Randy? [Randy is lost in a memory] Randy?\nStan: Do you know what a pangolin is, Dad?\nScene Description: Randy flashes back to his time in China with Mickey. They're in the back seat of a taxi, tired\nMickey: Haha haha. Dude, I still can't believe you fucked that bat. Haha.\nRandy: Okaaay, okaaay, Shhhh.\nMickey: Haha. You really let her have it! Oh boy!\nRandy: Okay! I don't wanna think about that right now, Mickey!\nMickey: I'm just impressed, that's all. I mean, if you can handle a bat, then...\nRandy: Then what?\nMickey: You ever have sex with a pangolin?\nRandy: What the fuck is a pangolin? [Mickey tells the driver in Chinese to stop]\nScene Description: A hotel room in Wuhan. While Mickey is the iPhone making more deals, Randy is fucking a pangolin\nRandy: Ha ha, ha whoa! [he's enjoying it rather thoroughly, then he snaps back to the present] Shit! [runs out of the farmhouse]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary. A sign over the entrance reads \"Welcome Back Students!\" The 4th Grade classroom is shown, with 12 decks instead of the usual 24. The desks are divided into groups of two. Each desk has a protective plastic shield in front and to the right, with a slot at the bottom for school work to be handed through. The officers are wearing clear plastic face shields, the kids are all wearing face masks\nYates.: Alright, children, welcome back to class. I'm your new teacher, Detective Harris, and this is our homeroom teacher's assistant, Officer Johnston. Let's start the day off with some match. Does anyone understand math? Who would like to lead the class with some math? [the sounds of a squealing pig approach the classroom door. The door opens, and Cartman is being carried in by two officers. He's mumbling gibberish, but then gets out a few sentences.]\nCartman: Pandemic! There's a pandemic! You can't make me go to school! [the officers tie him to his chair] You can't! Argh! Araraaagh! Nonono! Nonono! You can't make me! You hear me?!\nYates: I don't know if I can do this, Mitch. I fuckin' hate kids. I can't be a teacher.\nMitch: It's all we got, sir [steps forward and assumes an assertive stance] Let me try. Kids! Alright, come on! Let's settle down! Now we're gonna do some fingerpaints. You got that? You're gonna fingerpaint... [reads from a small notebook] a marsupial of your choice or a fun thing you did over the summer.\nCartman: You can't make us stay here! This is a violation of our freedom! Who's with me, guys?!\nMitch: Now, listen! We're gonna start fingerpaintin' right now!\nCartman: Oh my God, I forgot how much it sucks to be around everybody! I think I'm gonna be sick, all over Kyle! [pretends to vomit and cough over Kyle]\nKyle: Fuck you! [Kyle jumps out of his seat and beats him up. The other kids start cheering]\nMitch: That's enough! [Harris beings out his service revolver and aims. Mitch does as well, and they fire away. A shot goes through Token's front shield. A few more follow, and he takes a shot in the arm]\nToken: Ow! [his left hand is over the wound. He falls out of his seat and onto the floor. Gunfire and cheering stop]\nYates: Got 'im!\nScene Description: South Park Viral Research Center, day. The pangolin is in its cage. A scientist shines a sensor onto it for a second\nChief Scientist: [leads a new research team in and walks to the cage] Aaand here it is. This is the pangolin we tracked down in China, the animal that could lead us to a vaccine. The mysteries of COVID can be unlocked by our studies of this creature. I'll just ask you all to keep a good distance away. Obviously, we can't let anything happen to this pangolin. [Randy sneaks up behind the scientists] You see, this pangolin's DNA has mutated, which is what we believe started it all.\nScientist 1: The pangolin has mutated, how?\nChief Scientist: We're not completely sure, but we believe now that something somehow... got its DNA up into the pangolin.\nScientist 2: How exactly could that happen?\nChief Scientist: Well i-it's almost like another creature somehow inserted its DNA up into the pangolin.\nScientist 3: Perhaps some other species somehow mated with the pangolin?\nScientist 2: Oh, come on! What kind of animal would have sex with a pangolin?\nScientist 1: Yeah! Look how ugly that thing is!\nScientists: [chuckle at the possibility] Yeah, yeah.\nRandy: Okay, Okay.\nChief Scientist: Again, what really matters is that ew decode the foreign DNA inside the pangolin. That would be the key to the vaccine, perhaps even a cure. We have to know what raped the pangolin.\nRandy: Oh, so now it was \"rape.\"\nChief Scientist: Excuse me, sir. Who are you? [Randy stays silent] This tour is for scientists that specialize in pandemics. Are you... a pandemic specialist?\nRandy: Yeah I'm a pandemic specialist. I'm making one right now.\nChief Scientist: Uh-kay. Anyway, if you all follow me now to the micro labs, I can show you the containment system for once a vaccine is able to be tried. [Randy pretends to walk with them but pulls back to the cage. He takes the pangolin out and struggles with it for a few seconds, then stuffs it down his pants and sneaks away.]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A crowd of parents has gathered in front of the school. Mr. Mackey and the police officers look back at them. Mr. Mackey pulls out his bullhorn and turns it on, causing a reverb\nMr. Mackey: M'kay. mmkay, parents? Can everyone hear me okay? [the crowd is shown from his point of view - they all have masks, but have lowered them to speak] Everyone listens up. We don't want anyone to panic, okay, but there has been a COVID exposure here at the school. [parents gasp] Okay, one of our fourth graders was taken to the hospital a couple of hours ago, okay? But we think Token's gonna be okay. Now, due to county protocol, everyone that was in the school now has to quarantine for two weeks. So we will be keeping your kids here, and the teachers will be staying with them. [parents shout back.]\nScene Description: The school gym, day. All the school kids are here, not just the fourth graders. They are talking amongst themselves\nYates: Alright, students. shut up. [conversations fade off] I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.\nCartman: This is bullshit!\nYates: You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. Yes?\nStan: Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.\nYates: Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.\nOfficer 1: It was COVID-related.\nStan: That doesn't make any sense!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy watches the news in the living room\nAnchor Tom: And scientists are asking all South Park County residents to keep an eye out for the creature. Once again, the pangolin escaped from the facility yesterday, and many people are fearing the worst. Scientists say that even though they have samples from the pangolin, they now don't have what they need for a vaccine.\nChief Scientist: Yes. You see, what we needed was the foreign DNA that was up inside the pangolin. It's whatever that DNA was that was our key to the cure. [someone outside sees Randy and whistles to him. Randy looks over and cowers a bit]\nDelivery Express Man: Hello! Anyone home?? [Randy gets up and goes outside to see who it is. It's a delivery man with a package for him] Got a delivery here. Needs a signature.\nRandy: [relieved] Oh, okay.\nDelivery Express Man: Oh, he-hey, if you're gonna come any closer, would you mind wearing a, you know, chin diaper?\nRandy: Oh, sorry. [reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a face mask and puts it on... as a chin diaper. They approach each other.]\nDelivery Express Man: Here you go. Just sign right there. [Randy signs a small tablet and hands it to the delivery man, who hands him the package] Have a nice day. [they part ways, but the delivery man turns around] Oh, and hey, I'm loving the pandemic special.\nRandy: Yeah thanks. [he goes inside and opens the package, but drops it once he says what's inside: a bloody heart with \"YOU'RE DEAD\" written in blood on one of the flaps. Randy is afraid, yet puzzled]\nScene Description: The barn. Randy calls up Mickey\nRandy: Why did you send that to me?\nMickey: Haha. Because you're a dead man, Marsh. It's your DNA that they need for a vaccine! Haha!\nRandy: Yeah, I know, but I can't just turn myself in!\nMickey: This isn't personal, Marsh. It's business. I'm having you killed, then secretly we'll send your DNA to the scientists for the vaccine. Haha.\nRandy: This is all your fault, Mickey Mouse! You made the deal with the devil when you sold your Mulan shit to China! And then you took me out and sold me on how great China was, and how we should all suck their dick! You made me lose my tegridy and anything special that I had-! [stops] Special. Wait a minute. That's it!\nMickey: What's it? Haha.\nRandy: The Special. The Pandemic Special! That's how we can get my DNA into people! We can vaccinate them without them even knowing!\nMickey: What are you talkin' about?\nRandy: Just give me a couple of more days before you have me killed. I-I think I know a way out of this.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, night. The hospital has set up a COVID-19 ward. where the sickest patients are housed. In the still of the night, one hears only monitors and ventilators. Jimbo is in one room with a picture of himself and Stan, and a sign above his bed wishing him well. Someone pounds on something nearby. Jimbo opens his eyes and notices the window... and the spooky figure outside of it. The figure opens the window and jumps in - it's Randy\nJimbo: Randy?\nRandy: Shhh. Hey Jimbo.\nJimbo: Wha-what are you-?\nRandy: It's okay, Jimbo. I think I have a cure for COVID. [he brings out a jar of Tegridy Weed and opens the lid, then pats Jimbo on the shoulder] You're just gonna have to trust me, okay? [walks off and masturbates into the jar, then rolls a joint, walks over, and motions for Jimbo to keep quiet]\nJimbo: Uh, uh...\nRandy: Shhhh, this is gonna be great.\nJimbo: No, uh... [Randy lifts up the oxygen mask and puts the joint in Jimbo's mouth]\nRandy: It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. Breeeathe. [Jimbo coughs] It's okay, Breeeathe.\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. \"QUARANTINE AREA. DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION.\" In another 4th Grade classroom, the students are working on an assignment in silence as the assistant monitors them with a baton in hand. During recess, another officer monitors Wendy as she swings silently. At the computer lab, a sign next to the door says \"PARENT ZOOM VISITATION 5 MINUTES MAXIMUM.\" An officer stands guard outside. A few kids are inside talking to their parents on Zoom\nMr. McArthur: [to his Red] We miss you, honey. We can't wait for quarantine to be over! Huh.\nScene Description: in the school gym, kids are inside playing with various sports balls. Stan dribbles a basketball until a whistle blows, then stops. In the cafeteria, several kids eat lunch socially distant from each other. A buzzer blares\nOfficer 2: Group 4, your meal is over! Back to your class! [motions the kids to head for the entrance. The kids take their trays, dispose of the meals, and exit]\nOfficer 3: Alright. Group 5, it's now mealtime. Come in, but keep your social distance. [the next group comes in, including Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman.] Yeah, that's good social distancing. Real good.\nButters: [muttering to himself] March 16th. It was March 16th! That's how long it's been! It was supposed to be a party! A big, happy gathering at Build-A-Bear to celebrate me being a big boy at the dentist! Then they shut it all down. They said I'd have to wait until April. And then it was May. And then they said, \"Wait until summer.\" It's fucking October now! [swats his lunch away, then hops onto the table to rant. Four officers behind him by the wall react] Why doesn't anyone tell me the truth?! [grabs a girl's lunch then throws that away] That I'm never going to Build-A-Bear! [one of the officers taps his baton against his anti-riot shield, and two officers to his left move forward] That I'm never going ever again!\nStan: [notices the officers moving towards Butters] Butters, Butters, you gotta calm down.\nButters: I'm never going to Build-A-Bear, am I?! [the officers flank him] Oh, hey teachers. Sorry. [they carry him out of the cafeteria] W-wait, I'm sorry. I don't need to go to Build-A-Bear! Fellas?! [the other kids are stunned]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms day. A customer honks his car horn. Randy is asleep in his underwear. Sharon walks up to him\nSharon: Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!\nRandy: Huh? Uh, what? What?\nSharon: Where are the car keys?\nRandy: They're probably in my pants pocket. Why?\nSharon: I have to get over to the hospital.\nRandy: The hospital? For what?\nSharon: It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.\nRandy: Jimbo's better?\nSharon: They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.\nRandy: Holy shit. [realizing that his DNA might have just saved Jimbo's life.]\nScene Description: The barn. Randy walks up to a jar of Tegridy Weed.\nRandy: It works. It can help. [opens the jar and masturbates into it. Then he faces shelves and shelves of jars and realizes he has to masturbate into all of them.] Hoh boy. [he unzips his pants and drops them]\nScene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks down the hall, Stan catches up to him\nStan: Kyle, I need to talk to you.\nKyle: Hey dude.\nStan: I'm really worried. About Butters. I think he's sick.\nKyle: You think he got the virus?\nStan: No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. [put his hands in his jacket pockets and wanders off] I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore.\nKyle: I know. This bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.\nStan: [getting emotional] And what if he's not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?\nKyle: You really think it's that bad?\nStan: It's time for us to ask for help. From someone who has more authority at this school than these cops.\nScene Description: The White House, day. In the Oval Office, Pres. Garrison looks out the window, his back to the entrance\nMale Aide 1: Mr. President, the CDC is on the line. They need to speak with you urgently!\nGarrison: Tell them to suck my asshole.\nFemale Aide: Mr. President, Dr. Fauci is on line 2 and the FDA chief is on line 3.\nGarrison: Ooo! Tell Dr. Fauci to shove it up his ass, and let the FDA chief know he can eat shit off my balls.\nMale Aide 2: Sir! Sir, you have an urgent call on line 4 from a Mr. Slave?\nGarrison: [turns around in his chair and wonders] Mr. Slave? Okay, go, gogogo! [the aides leave and Garrison clears his throat. He picks up the phone] Yes, this is the President of the entire United States.\nStan: Uh, hi, it's Stan Marsh.\nGarrison: Stan Marsh? Where's Mr. Slave?\nStan: I'm sorry. We had to get your attention. Listen, we're being kept at the school, and one of the students here is really sick.\nGarrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, here we go again. [rolls his eyes and closes them] Just deal with it. I am busy.\nStan: Nono, Mr. President, please! You gotta come back to South Park. Our teachers are shooting people. Everyone's arguing and, and there's a facility outside of town that found the pangolin and are working on a vaccine! You might be able to stop the pandemic.\nGarrison: Why would I do that?\nStan: ...Huh?\nGarrison: Stan, this is gonna be very difficult for a child to understand, but I made a promise to the American people- to get rid of all the Mexicans.\nStan: But the pandemic isn't just killing Mexicans.\nGarrison: It's killing a lot of them. I've gone over the statistics, Stan. [walks over to a chart showing U.S. COVID fatalities by race. Mexicans are by far the most affected ethnicity, and whites the least affected.] All I have to do now is sort of guide the avalanche in the right direction, and I'm fulfilling my promises to the American People. I was doing a crap job until this pandemic happened.\nStan: You're just gonna sit there and not do anything?!\nGarrison: I am going to actively not do anything. And you can eat shit off my balls and die. [hangs up]\nStan: God dammit!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A line of cars waits at the entrance, with horns honking. A small booth is by the mailbox. Randy is using a cane to support himself. All that masturbation has weakened him\nRandy: Ogh. Ogh-o. [limps to the next customer] Okay, there you go. That's all I can sell you right now. Just make sure you smoke it, okay? Enjoy the special. [the customer drives off. He limps back to the small booth] Han-hang on, guys. I gotta prep some more. Just give me like four minutes. [enters the booth and masturbates into the next jar.]\nSharon: [comes out of the house] Randy?!\nRandy: Ogh.\nSharon: Randy?!\nRandy: Just... [irked] what?!\nSharon: Randy, you've gotta get in here!\nRandy: I'm doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!\nSharon: Come upstairs. Something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy slowly limps upstairs.] He's just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and goes to Jimbo's room] They said he was getting better. [Randy limps forward, holding his crotch] Last night his fever came back. And then a few hours ago, this thing appeared on his face.\nSharon: What thing? [Sharon slowly lowers Jimbo's mask, and ... it's Randy's mustache. Randy's jaw drops] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.\nRandy: Huh. That's weird.\nSharon: Should I call the doctor?\nRandy: No! Nonono! Don't call the doctor! They're busy. These are u-un- precedented times. W-we have no idea what caused this.\nJimbo: [slowly] Special...\nSharon: What, Jimbo?\nJimbo: Pandemic... uh special...\nSharon: [looks at Randy] Why's he talking about your special?\nRandy: [rapidly] Everyone's talking about the special, Sharon. It's a big deal. He obviously needs it right now.\nSharon: I'm gonna get the thermometer. [walks away. Randy quickly goes to Jimbo's side]\nRandy: [whispering angrily] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the special. You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fuckin' alcoholic, and I am not going to jail for you! [smacks him and walks away, holding his crotch and grimacing]\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A doctor is checking out the mustache on Gerald's face, which is different from the one he usually has.\nDr. Doctor: And you say you've never had a mustache before?\nGerald: No! Never! It just came outta nowhere!\nSheila: How can this happen, Doctor?\nDr. Doctor: Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?\nGerald: No! I mean... I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special...\nDr. Doctor: Oh, nonono. That-that's totally fine.\nNurse: Doctor? You better come to the emergency room! [they both go to the ER, which is filled with patients, including women, who have the pandemic mustache.]\nDr. Doctor: Holy shit!\nScene Description: Breaking news. COVID-19 UPDATE?\nAnchor Tom: Another strain of COVID, or simply more COVID-related symptoms? A reported 1 in 10 people in Park County are experiencing mustaches, and nobody seems to know why. The Mayor has called for help from infectious disease experts, and Dr. Anthony Fauci arrived at South park Hospital today to give his advice.\nScene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital entrance. Dr. Fauci addresses the crowd\nDr. Fauci: We aren't sure why some people are getting a mustache and some aren't, but we have to do all we can to avoid it becoming fashionable.\nMan 1: Will our chin diapers keep us safe?\nDr. Fauci: Yes, but we must wear them where the mustache would be. We need to wear them over our mouth and nose.\nStephen: Are you out of your mind? You expect people to wear a diaper over their nose? That's disgusting! Fuck you, Fauci!\nScene Description: Back to the news report\nAnchor Tom: Citizens are asked to stay indoors and just try and relax, and maybe enjoy some of the Pandemic Special.\nRandy: Nooo! Shit! [Sharon has her hands over her mouth]\nScene Description: South Park, night. The school gym is shown from above. Twenty-nine students are sleeping there, each in his own circle. Stan is wide awake, looking at the ceiling. An officer sits in the coach's office looking at a jar of Tegridy Weed\nOfficer 4: Nice. [Stan sits up. He looks to his left and sees Death staring back at him through a window, then crawls up to Butters and shakes him awake]\nStan: Butters. Butters!\nButters: Wha?\nStan: Don't worry. I'm going to save you!\nButters: Okay. Save me from what? [nods off, and Stan walks to the middle of the gym]\nStan: Guys, guys! [claps. The kids begin to stir]\nStudents: What? Who is it?\nStan: Shhh. You guys, we have to get Butters out of here.\nKyle: Who else can we call, Stan?\nStan: No! We have to get him out of here! Now! We need to take him... to Build-A-Bear.\nCraig: Are you nuts??\nStan: He has to go out and do something normal!\nJimmy: Stan, Build-A-Bear is currently by appointment only, and only a maximum party of four can visit at one time.\nStan: We can't wait around and wait for people to figure things out, okay?! It's not gonna happen! They just keep taking everything from him and saying it's for his own good! But who's to say he can't go out and have a little goddamn fun?! If we want things to go back to normal, then we just gotta go do it!\nCartman: [stands up] Stan's right. If we want things to go back to normal, we have to do it ourselves.\nStan: They're just gonna be making more restrictions, and more rules, and who's gonna fight to go back to the way things were?\nCartman: I sure as hell will!\nStan: We can make things normal for Butters again, and make school the way it was!\nCartman: The way it was! Online, in our own rooms!\nStan: Wait, what? No, in a class, with real teachers!\nCartman: Wait, what? What normal are you talking about?\nStan: I'm talking about normal, like back in March. What normal are you talking about?\nCartman: I'm talking about normal, like three days ago, when everything was awesome.\nStan: Look it doesn't matter. We just gotta break the fuck out of here.\nScene Description: The hallways. Sef Furman runs down the hall; the police do not notice. Craig and Tweek follow the boy, then the Boy with Brown Hair and Red Shirt follows them. The rest of the class follows, including Timmy whose wheelchair moves loudly. At the front of the school, Jimmy heads towards the bolted doors with bolt cutters\nTimmy: TIMMAH! [cuts the bolt, and the chain drops to the floor. The kids rush out the door and pour out of the school triumphantly]\nScene Description: News Break. COVID-19 UPDATE\nAnchor Tom: The new outbreak in South Park is spreading rapidly, and as highways into town close and governments consider a full lockdown, one question is on everyone's mind: where is the damn pangolin?! Some speculate the pangolin took its own life, while others think that- [something is being whispered in his ear] Sorry. Sorry, we're getting some breaking news. Oh, God. Students at South Park Elementary have broken quarantine and are now out on the loose!\nBill Keegan: [outside the school, during the day] The fugitives broke out sometime last night. Teachers are reporting there's no cause for alarm, except that these kids have all been exposed to COVID [his voice gets more urgent] and could be running around spreading mustaches right now!\nWoman: [hears this and screams] Aaaaaaaaow! [This sets off a mass panic]\nMan 2: Super-spreaders! [drivers get into near-collisions, shoppers stock up on toilet paper and other goods, ]\nStocker: [notices a woman carrying two cans] One can of shaving cream per family! [Park County Shoes is broken into and looted]\nStephen: [he and Linda have their masks on as chin diapers] Butters?! Butters, you get back to quarantine or you are gonna be grounded!\nThomas: Hey, Stotch! [Stephen looks over and sees that Thomas has his mask on properly] You heard what the scientist said! Get your diaper up over your mustache area!\nStephen: I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!\nMrs. Testaburger: Don't you care about people?\nStephen: Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch! [walks up and punches her once, and she goes down. Thomas punches him in return] Oh! [a brawl breaks out in the street]\nScene Description: The Mayor's Office. She looks out over the rioting while she's on the phone\nMayor McDaniels: For Christ's sake, the entire town is in chaos! How the hell did you let those kids out of quarantine?!\nYates: [at the school, with all his officers at attention] Don't blame this on us teachers! You opened the school and gave us barely enough resources to do our job!\nMayor McDaniels: Everyone is terrified of catching something from these super-spreaders!\nYates: Well, I don't know what you're gonna do, Mayor. You took all our funding away. You said our equipment was too extreme. Now, if we had some of that stuff back...\nOfficer 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.\nYates: Tsst-tst-tst-ch-ch-ch!\nMayor McDaniels: We certainly don't want you, teachers, to be without every resource available. I'll write an executive order to get you everything you need.\nYates: [hangs up] Boys? We are back in business!\nOfficers: [cheering] YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!...\nScene Description: The police roll-out with patrol cars and Peacemaker tanks. Motorcycle and equestrian units with semiautomatics join them. An officer arms a bazooka. K9 units join in. It's a massive show of force.\nYates: Possible COVID exposure at 4 o'clock! [the Boy with Brown Hair and Red Shirt is building a snowman. Yates gets on the bullhorn] You there. [the boy looks up] You are violating a mandated safer-inside order! Put down the snowball and get back to quarantine! [the boy drops the snowball] We've got a runner! [the police fire all their weapons and decimate the boy. Kenny and Annie Knitts run down the street and Kenny is shot to death. Two officers walk by Univers Coffee, then Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Butters come out of hiding]\nStan: Okay, all clear! Come on! Go go go! [Butters is lying down in a small wagon, the other three wheel him down the sidewalk] All right, you ready to have some fun, Butters?\nButters: I sure am, fellas!\nKyle: Okay!\nStan: Shit shit, get back, back, back, back, back! [they hide in Parking Lot A. Death rides by and they come back out] Okay, all good. Come on. [They reach a plaza]\nKyle: Dude, we made it.\nStan: Butters, Butters. [wakes Butters up] Look! [Butters looks up and sees Build-A-Bear Workshop]\nButters: Whoa! Is it really for reals?\nStan: Yeah, it's real. Come on! We got an appointment! [helps Butters out of the wagon. They reach the entrance, only to see James the shopkeeper closing the shop.] Oh, uh hey, excuse me. We had an appointment.\nJames: Oh no, s-sorry. We're closed.\nStan: But I called. Y-you said you were open today for appointments.\nJames: Yeah, we had to shut down again. Somebody came into the store with a mustache.\nKyle: A mustache?\nStan: Ple-hease, my friend has to build a bear.\nJames: [walks away] I'm sorry! These are unprecedented times!\nStan: Ohoh, just give us one minute!\nButters: Oh! Good job, Stan! Thanks for getting my hopes up, you asshole!\nKyle: [walks up to Stan with Cartman] Come on, dude. We'd better get outta here before we're spotted.\nStan: We can't go.\nKyle: What do you mean?\nStan: We don't have a choice. We're gonna have to break in.\nKyle: And then do what?\nStan: And then build him a bear.\nCartman: Without any employees? What, do you expect us to just, just... build our own bear?\nStan: If we have to, yes!\nKyle: Dude, you need people to help you do the stuffing and the closing. You don't- you don't actually build your own bear.\nStan: I don't care! I'm not following the rules anymore!\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is piling his unsold Tegridy Weed onto the company truck. After the second load, Sharon stops him.\nSharon: What the hell are you doing?!\nRandy: I just... gotta tale all the Pandemic Special over to Thompson Lake and dump it.\nSharon: Dump it? Why are you worrying about this right now?!\nRandy: Because the Pandemic Special needs to end! A special has to end, Sharon, or else it's not really a \"special,\" is it?! [runs for some more weed]\nSharon: Goddammit, Randy, our son is out in this chaos! [heads towards the driver's seat] This is not the time for you to be dealing with your fucking marijuana! [hops into the seat and closes the door] Somebody's gotta find him! [starts the engine]\nRandy: Nono, okay, okay, okay, hold on! I'm coming! [gets into the passenger seat] Maybe we can just drop the special by the lake on the way.\nSharon: Fuck you!\nScene Description: Build-A-Bear Workshop, day. The boys have broken in\nStan: Here we are, Butters! Look! You made it!\nButters: Oh boy, is this a dream?\nStan: No, it's not a dream! We are really here, and we are going to build you a bear! Which one you want? You want the panda? You want the Bronco koala?\nButters: The Caballero Grizzly.\nStan: Caballero Grizzly. [gets the materials needed] Okay, we just find the sh-shell and the uh, the outfit.\nCartman: Stan, you really need employee assistance with this.\nStan: It's gonna fucking work! Just fucking shut up! [take the shell to a stuffer] Okay! Okay, Butters. Look! [starts the machine] We're gonna put the stuffing in!\nButters: Wow!\nStan: Okay, uh, um... [starts pressing buttons. All of a sudden, the shell is pumped full of cotton and explodes]\nButters: Aaaah! God! Daaagh!\nStan: It's okay! We can start over! We can start over! There'a do-over machine right over there! Look! [walks over to a shredder and drops the mangled bear in. The shredder has a window through which the bear is seen being destroyed.]\nScene Description: South Park. The rioting continues. Sharon drives through it\nSharon: Stanley! Staaaaan! What if he's dead, Randy?!\nRandy: He's not dead, Sharon.\nSharon: Then why hasn't he even called?! [two people jump onto the truck, both with mustaches]\nMan 3: Hey, can we have some of that Pandemic Special?\nRandy: No! [the men slip off the truck] Nobody needs the special right now! It's not helping! [looks out the passenger-side window] Oh my God. Oh God no.\nSharon: What?? [they see Applebee's closed, and two men carrying a table into a moving truck.]\nRandy: [sheds a tear] They got Applebee's too. [turns to Sharon] Drive me back to the farm, Sharon. I need to get something.\nScene Description: Build-A-Bear Workshop, day. Stan is trying to build another bear, but the cotton isn't going in\nStan: God dammit! [looks out the window and sees Death there. Stan tries one more time to fill the shell, but the gust of air knocks him to the ground. Stan gets right back up to try again]\nKyle: Dude, just let it go.\nStan: No, Kyle, we can't let Butters down!\nKyle: [walks up to Stan] Stan, are you sure this is about Butters? 'Cause you seem really desperate to build a bear.\nYates: [on his bullhorn outside] Attention protesting looters. [the boys look over and walk up to the entrance] Protesting slash looting is a violation of the Mayor's health order! You have five minutes to come out or we will have to take action\nButters: We gotta surrender, fellas. I'm honestly not having that much fun anyway.\nStan: No! I'm not giving up!\nYates: All right, that was about five minutes. [on the bullhorn to the officers] Okay, boys! Light 'em up! [an officer aims a cannon at Kyle, who has his back to the window]\nRandy: [steps into the cannon's scope] Wait! Everyone just stop!\nYates: Who the hell is that?\nRandy: I have something that might change all of this! [reaches into a bag and pulls out the pangolin. The crowd gasps]\nStephen: It's the pangolin.\nThomas: Look!\nOther townsfolk: The pangolin! He's found it! The pangolin! Whoa!\nRandy: This... is what you've all be looking for, right? Well here! Go ahead and do all the tests you want on it. You'll find out... everything you need to know. [the crowd murmurs]\nCartman: Oh no! You're not ending this pandemic! [grabs the pangolin and runs back inside the store]\nKyle: Hey!\nStan: Cartman, no! [follows Cartman inside with Kyle. Cartman prepares to drop the pangolin into the store's shredder] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing is our only chance!\nCartman: Your only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!\nStan: You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore, and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for whom to blame. Saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better because the truth is... I just wanna have fun again. [Cartman looks at him] I wanted to see that I could go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't. I'm not any better, and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! I just want my life back... [begins to weep silently. Cartman's look softens. He looks at the shredder, at the boys, then steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store, and gives it to the Chief Scientist]\nKyle: [awed by this act of mercy] I don't believe it.\nStephen: So, so what happens now?\nChief Scientist: Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [a plume of flame attacks the pangolin and the Chief Scientist. Behind this act is President Garrison with a flamethrower. Garrison doesn't let up until the Chief Scientist no longer screams.]\nGarrison: Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up. [turns around and walks away]\nScene Description: Tegridy Farms, evening. A banner covers the sign: \"CLOSED DUE TO FIRES\"\nRadio reporter: And since the students broke quarantine, all South Park residents are now exposed and under complete lockdown for the unforeseeable future. [a wall of flames looms in the distance. Death appears in the field, then gets on his bike and rides away. Randy looks at his phone. The lock screen has a picture of his family in it.]\nRandy: How do I even begin to apologize? You guys were right. I think all the marijuana really did go to my head. You said it: a drug is a drug, and... I'm not who I used to be. It's time for me to own up to everything. It's time everyone knew what started this pandemic. [walks into the house and upstairs, and enters his bedroom. He finds Sharon asleep and walks to the bed] Hey, Sharon, I need to talk to you. [sits down] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can. [Sharon sits up, and her new mustache is quite visible]\nSharon: If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her and has no words] What?\nRandy: ...You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special.\nSharon: No. I don't smoke marijuana, Randy.\nRandy: Uh huh. [gets up and walks off]\nSharon: Well, what did you want to talk to me about?\nRandy: I just... think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face. [leaves the room. Sharon reaches for her upper lip]"}